# More types of betrayal in marriage



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I thought this wasinteresting.


7 Types Of Marriage Betrayal That Are Often Overlooked


7 Types Of Marriage Betrayal That Are Often Overlooked
You may not even realize you're guilty of 

When people think of cheating in a relationship, physical infidelity is usually the first thing that comes to mind. But as marriage therapist Christine Wilke has seen firsthand, there are other less obvious ways spouses can break their marital bond. Many are just as damaging as affairs. 

"Affairs can lead to a hardcore exit for many," the Pennsylvania-based therapist said. "But exits from a marriage can also occur when couples engage in subtle little diversions that enable them to avoid true intimacy with each other."

Below, Wilke and other relationship experts share seven ways you may be betraying your spouse without even realizing it. 

1. You always put the kids first. 

Who comes first in your life, your spouse or the kids? While you should prioritize your kids' needs, putting too much focus on them could cheat your spouse out of your energy and full presence, said Otto Collins, a relationship coach who co-authored the book Passionate Spark, Lasting Love with his wife Susie.

"You think focusing on your kids and other obligations will strengthen and make your relationship better but instead the exact opposite happens," said Collins. "You and your spouse end up becoming strangers who pass each other in the hallway and passion and connection withers and dies. You may love each other but you're not 'in love' anymore largely because you've neglected the relationship without even realizing it." 

2. You emotionally cheat by confiding in someone else. 

Your spouse should be your emotional confidante, the sounding board you turn to when you need to share just about anything. If you start emotionally opening up to someone else -- especially someone you're attracted to -- you could be well on your way to having an emotional affair, said Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Foojan Zeine. (It's especially bad if you start sharing unflattering details about your relationship with this new person.) 

"When a partner begins to give that special place of friendship, closeness and intimacy to another person, we feel cheated," she said. "Your spouse shouldn't take the place of your best friends, but he or she needs to have the security and openness of being the person you turn to the most. To foster a close emotional relationship that goes over and above what you have with your partner feels like a betrayal." 

3. You're glued to your phone all day. 

It doesn't matter if you're sifting through important work emails or texting your buddies about fantasy football picks, spending an excessive amount of time on your phone when you're in the company of your spouse sends a clear message to him or her: I could be spending my downtime with you, but I'd rather be on my phone. 

"Everyone needs downtime and these activities help us to decompress but they become troublesome when they are substitutes for meaningful interaction with your spouse," Wilke said. "Ask yourself: Am I spending more time perusing social media than talking to my spouse?" 

4. You cheat on your spouse financially.

Those secret credit card purchases you've been making behind your spouse's back are bound to come to light eventually -- and when they do, it could spell major trouble. A 2011 study conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education found that 68 percent of the time, financial infidelity had a negative impact on relationships, with 16 percent of marriages ending because of it.

"When one mate withholds financial information, it breaks down the fundamental trust in their partnership," said Zeine. "The partner who has to pay the consequence of the other’s financial actions usually feels cheated. Lack of transparency in this area leads to minimum trust. You no longer feel like part of a team."

5. You spend more time with your friends than with your spouse. 

Having hobbies and interests outside of your marriage is important -- and being together 24/7 isn't exactly healthy. But it's a problem when your spouse feels as though he or she has taken a backseat to nearly everything else in your life, especially your friends. Otto Collins said he's learned this firsthand. 

"Many years ago, when I was much younger and still married to my first wife, I went to 26 concerts in one year (mostly without her) while she was home taking care of our young son," he recalled. " The marriage broke up for many reasons but the fact is that I put outside activities above the relationship, which didn't help. Putting close friends before your spouse creates distance and mistrust between the two of you, which could harm your relationship." 

5. You rant about your spouse to others. 

You may think venting to friends about your husband's annoying grooming habits is harmless, but a small betrayal of trust occurs any time you say something to friends or family that derides your spouse, said relationship coach Susie Collins.

"My husband and I have a rule in our relationship that we teach to all of our coaching clients: never ever say or do anything when you're not with your partner that you wouldn't say or do if they were standing right beside you," she said. "Many people think it's healthy to 'unload' or just connect with friends by revealing their partner's innermost secrets or sins but it always backfires. Even if your spouse never finds out what you said, it creates coldness between the two of you that you may not even be aware of."

7. You stonewall your spouse. 

Stonewalling your spouse -- becoming defensive and withdrawing from an interaction or argument instead of talking it though -- can be extremely harmful to your relationship, said Zeine.

"Withholding thoughts, beliefs and emotions contradicts the purpose of our intimate relationships," she said. "When a spouse gives the silent treatment or says 'nothing is wrong' when there is something wrong, you feel powerless against the wall that is put up. You feel cheated by your mate having the power to shut you down and close any ways of moving closer."

And when you don't speak up, the worst is usually assumed, she said.

"The passive-aggressive silent treatment gives our mate the space to interpret whatever they want about us. In times of hurt and anger, the assumptions and interpretations are usually very one sided and self-serving," she said


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Geez, I've got 2,3,4,5 and 7 in mine.  Along with an EA from him and a PA from me. What an eye opener.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife does 1,2,3,6,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7..................

I took the second #5 as #6.

I guess it is bad that I have come to accept all this as "just the way she it".


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife does 1,2,3,6,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7..................
> 
> I took the second #5 as #6.
> 
> I guess it is bad that I have come to accept all this as "just the way she it".


My husband is a BAD 7 too. That's probably the worst in my opinion. You never know what they're thinking, feeling or anything. 

The worst part of my husbands 7 is that he then gets mad if I assume things. We just got into that the other night. He says "you KNOW I don't talk about my feelings!" and then I said something about assuming something, and he says "you ALWAYS assume!! You ASSUME EVERYTHING and it couldn't be further from the truth!" I said "what else am I supposed to do, I have no facts because you don't talk so all I CAN do is assume" and he responds with, "this conversation is over, we aren't getting anywhere."

It's infuriating.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

When I try to talk to my wife and she is not comfortable with the subject she turns it into an argument or says I am being "mean" to her......until I give up and just walk away.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> When I try to talk to my wife and she is not comfortable with the subject she turns it into an argument or says I am being "mean" to her......until I give up and just walk away.


I get "You're SO confrontational! Everything is a fight to you!" And I can say until I'm blue in the face that I'm not trying to fight, I just want to talk and I'll get "Just look at yourself! You always have to be right!"

Yes, living with a 7 is maddening.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

And now I am guilty of the second number 5 which I assume is number 6.

"Rant about your spouse to others".


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife does 1,2,3,6,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7..................
> 
> I took the second #5 as #6.
> 
> I guess it is bad that I have come to accept all this as "just the way she it".


If you notice that there were two 5s and no 6s, should you call the frustrated proofreader's hotline? :surprise:


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> And now I am guilty of the second number 5 which I assume is number 6.
> 
> "Rant about your spouse to others".


I'm guilty of a 6 too. Before this. I ranted about my spouse often. Maybe because he's a 7 and I can't talk to him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

technovelist said:


> If you notice that there were two 5s and no 6s, should you call the frustrated proofreader's hotline? :surprise:


Saw that. That is why I refer to the second #5 as #6.


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## Aquadiver (Nov 23, 2015)

Wow what an eye opener. My H is big with #7. He claims he wants to talk things through, doesn't like the silent treatment, but when we fight, he'll walk away from me, won't discuss anything, say "I don't hVe to listen to this" and go silent. I end up doing all the talking, begging, whatever. Then the next time I'm upset about something I just say nothing is wrong to avoid a fight and that gets him mad and he says I'm impossible to be with. 

I'm also a naturally quiet person and he will think I'm mad when I'm not just because I'm sitting quietly watching tv. He'll say "you're never happy, you're always mad!" And all I'm doing is sitting there watching tv. I have no idea when or where our marriage broke down. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> Saw that. That is why I refer to the second #5 as #6.


Right, that was supposed to be a joke. :crying:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> I'm guilty of a 6 too. Before this. I ranted about my spouse often. Maybe because he's a 7 and I can't talk to him.


I have never ranted about my spouse to any relatives or friends or even ministers. No ranting about her at all. Try to talk to her but 7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7.......................

Does ranting to anonymous folks on the internet who have no idea who I am count?

Don't know if it counts but it does help a little.

Now if you guys will kindly forget every thing I just said, I can go back to "I never ranted about my spouse"


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Aquadiver said:


> Wow what an eye opener. My H is big with #7. He claims he wants to talk things through, doesn't like the silent treatment, but when we fight, he'll walk away from me, won't discuss anything, say "I don't hVe to listen to this" and go silent. I end up doing all the talking, begging, whatever. Then the next time I'm upset about something I just say nothing is wrong to avoid a fight and that gets him mad and he says I'm impossible to be with.
> 
> I'm also a naturally quiet person and he will think I'm mad when I'm not just because I'm sitting quietly watching tv. He'll say "you're never happy, you're always mad!" And all I'm doing is sitting there watching tv. I have no idea when or where our marriage broke down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get this too. If I'm quiet, I've "got an attitude" or I get "what's your major malfunction?"


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

A combination of 1, 4 and 7 is killing my marriage. 

I often wonder, with a fascinated detachment, how many marriages are troubled or destroyed by one spouse's good intentions. My wife has not and does not cheat. She is not rude or antagonistic. She is not dishonest, at least in the sense of not being directly misleading or lying. She has become, however, a complete enigma and the overwhelming majority of my days end in frustration and loneliness because I have no idea what she thinks or feels about anything related to us. 

She has become LD mainly due to a thyroid issue. I have always been very HD. This has caused the usual problems, but she is working with her doctor and therefore I've been patient and generally positive about the issue. The lack of intimacy (we've been less-than-ten now for three years) is a big enough issue. She has shut down open communication about anything other than day-to-day things, though. We talk about our child, our schedules, what to have for dinner, how our days went... and that's it. 

Our situation is opposite of the norm. When she got pregnant, we decided we wanted our child to have a stay-at-home parent. Her job offered slightly better pay and much better benefits. She loved her career and had earned several promotions. She wanted to keep working. I agreed to be a SAHD. Her hours are long. I approach being a SAHD as I would want her to be if she was a SAHM and I was working hard. I do all of the housework. She will spend time with our toddler when she gets home. Her off days rotate around, so scheduling any kind of social life either jointly or individually is tough. She genuinely appears to be fatigued constantly, but also raves about her job. 

She initiates nothing. No physical contact, no conversation beyond the mundane or necessary kid stuff. No talk about finances or budget. Life is hectic with jobs/kids, and I get that fully. But the moments when naturally it would be our time are avoided or spent watching TV. She'll talk about things a bit if I press. She be somewhat affectionate if I press. If I don't, or if I withdraw our of frustration, nothing happens. It's very odd to have a situation like this - she's neither positive nor negative. When pressed, she offers no complaints or un-met needs. She'll say she loves me and finds me attractive and thinks I'm a good father. Yet she'd rather nap or watch TV than talk to me about anything, let alone make love. She's explained many times that she internally censors a lot of things and decides I don't want/need to hear them. Whether its about bills or attraction, a funny story or a desire to talk about anything couples normally talk about - she comes up with a reason in her head why 'I don't need to hear that stuff.' Our communication styles, like our roles in the marriage, are strangely opposite the norm. I feel like the typical neglected housewife. This is a bit funny in a self-depricating way, but its going to lead to divorce if nothing changes. I was a contractor in the defense/aviation field. I used to travel all over the world and found my life very interesting and adventurous. I'm in good shape and get hit on by the moms I encounter when doing things with my kid. My wife's difficulty in expressing herself and her unintentional signals that I'm of no interest to her are soul-crushing. 

I've bought her some books that people recommend here and I've brought up counseling. She initially is open to these things, but then starts to back away with the standard excuses of fatigue, schedule and reluctance to open up. So the books are not finished or discussed and therapy os something we'll 'do later when we can.' Everything is becoming 'we'll do it later.' I think its become habit. Lack of sex is a big problem. Couple it with lack of meaningful communication and its a killer.


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