# Need Help



## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

Brief history. Stbxh and I started dating in high school. Have been together for 23 years. We have a son age 9

Started a new job and he started to change. 
Losing weight, staying out all the time. Found out that he was having an affair with a married co-worker. 
Made him move out, lived with his parents, affair ended, said that he wanted to try again, go on dates etc. 

Husband lived with parents for 1 year moved back home trying to piece marriage back together. 

Thought everything was going better in 2016, went on trips together etc, I had a heart attack at age 36 from all the stress.

Husband left old job in 2016 to get away from former affair partner, still stayed in contact. Confronted him about it, said he was sorry.

Started to Change again in Jan 2017, staying out late for new co-worker drinks, distant emotionally again.

Asked him to move out every month for the next 6 months, continued live in martial home but would be out late every night and at least one day out of the weekend.

Finally in November of last year, I asked him if he had looked at a new place to live he called me bipolar because I would ask him to leave and the next day act like nothing happened the next day.

I told him I was trying to reduce the arguing in front of our S because he had witnessed it to much before. 

He finally told me that since I always had to be right, that yes he has been seeing someone else, I told him to leave and leave right now, he did that night.

I did file for divorce but found out that he had moved in with a 24 year old girl. And this past weekend he introduced our 9 year old S to her.

I just feel like I have been used and discarded like an old dog toy. That he can just leave a 23 year relationship and just jump into a new one.

Please give me your words of wisdom how to get over this. Our divorce hearing is next month.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get a lawyer ASAP -- you can put in custodial rules that prevent him from introducing anyone to your son. he sounds like a real POS. Make sure you get your finances together also! Expose this affair to his/your family. Is this POSOW married/boyfriend? Expose her also if you can...

VERY sorry you are going through this (again...)


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

She is not married. His parents already know. They have a weird relationship. Never talk about anything. That’s his problem, never wanted to discuss anything from the previous affair.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lawyer.

This is not your fault.

It won’t get better, just worse.

Move forward. Very sorry, not much else to say.


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

Thank you. I’m doing much better this time around then the last.

I filed for divorce because of the first affair but stopped it (I know stupid). 

I know that it’s not my fault, I guess I just need a place to vent since everyone else is sick of hearing it. 

One good thing is that S is adapting very well. At first he was sad, but I just comforted him as best as I could. Just letting him know that none of this is his fault, and that we both love him very much.

I do limit the contact that I have with him. Just for drop offs etc.

He feels the need to contact me everyday regarding S, how he is, how he did going to school, how he slept. 

In the evenings he contacts me about how his day was, what grade he made in such and such quiz.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only contact you need to have with him is concerning the Divorce/financials, and your son. And for your son, it is not your job to be his news channel. For discussions about him, it should be major events, illness, drop off/pickup, etc.. and That's IT. He gave up the right to know his day-to-day stuff when he cheated and left and he KNOWS that is his fault. Ignore his texts about your son about his day, etc.. If he calls, ignore it. Tell him to contact you via text or email from now on -- no need to really talk with him (it also gives you the advantage that you have a record of his communications in case...)


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

We only communicate via text. I never text first unless son is sick or regarding midterm or report cards.

I guess I need to grow a backbone and stop feeling sorry and responding to him. Since he only texts regarding S, I feel the need to include him in the day to day stuff.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I certainly understand the feeling, but you do need to break off doing that for him. If you've never heard of the 180, you should read up on that (I'm sure someone will post the link for you). This is NOT to punish him -- it's to help YOU detach from him. You certainly sound like you are doing the right things (not that it makes the hurt any better, but you WILL get through this and be better off.)


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

Thank you so much. I know I need to break that habit, he texts about S, I feel the need to respond, probably because I want to keep him included in S life. He doesn’t really see him that much. This weekend was the first time that he has had him overnight.

Only because I went out of town for the weekend.

I’ve been trying to implement the 180. 
Trust me when I say that this time is a lot easier then last. Last time I felt like I was dying. 

Don’t even remember how son was taken care of.

Maybe this is just the uncertain of the future. I worry about finances since he makes about 4 times more then I do. 

I did ask for child support and alimony for the next 10 years. Hopefully I’ll be in a better financial state then now. He does give me funds to pay mortgage etc.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Help,

To correct past injustices, please go back and tell the betrayed H from his first affair who his WW was cheating with.

Should be fun when this young girl starts cheating on your exH. The only thing May sees in December is Christmas. Help it along by informing the girls parents that her daughter is being used by a serial cheating married man, and they should do everything in their power to de-attached their daughter.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Very sorry to here this has had such an effect on your health, try to exercise and eat healthier foods, join a church.


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

I’ve thought about exposing, but honestly I’m passed the revenge and wanting to blow up everything.

And honestly she knows who and what he is. In 2 years time she will open her eyes and thin WTF was I thinking. I know how he was when we first started dating all romance and I love you.

I’ve lost over 30 pounds and now plan on losing an additional 15. Look better then I have in years.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Help1107 said:


> I’ve thought about exposing, but honestly I’m passed the revenge and wanting to blow up everything.
> 
> And honestly she knows who and what he is. In 2 years time she will open her eyes and thin WTF was I thinking. I know how he was when we first started dating all romance and I love you.
> 
> I’ve lost over 30 pounds and now plan on losing an additional 15. Look better then I have in years.


Great for you on getting in shape! BTW, exposing isn't really for getting revenge. It's to make sure that HE doesn't re-write your marriage at all (by exposing to family/friends). This is so that YOUR reputation doesn't get affected by him telling lies about what happened...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Help1107 said:


> Brief history. Stbxh and I started dating in high school. Have been together for 23 years. We have a son age 9
> 
> Started a new job and he started to change.
> Losing weight, staying out all the time. Found out that he was having an affair with a married co-worker.
> ...


Only advice is really to implement the 180 and try and get the best settlement you can at this point, never talk ill of the dad to the child and do not argue in front of him.

Unfortunately this is going to be very painful as you can currently feel but..........it will get better, once the fog clears you will be glad he has gone, you will find a new you and you will be happy.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> Great for you on getting in shape! BTW, exposing isn't really for getting revenge. It's to make sure that HE doesn't re-write your marriage at all (by exposing to family/friends). This is so that YOUR reputation doesn't get affected by him telling lies about what happened...


I exposed late but glad I did as the rewriting of history is very common, my XW cant keep up with her own lies and still rewrites a year on.


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