# Would you tell the GF of the OM?



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

My wife had an EA with the OM for approx. 9 months. I met the OM's GF very briefly at a party a while back. I only knew her first name...until recently. I was able to find out who she was. I can reach out to her, but should I?

I'm trying to understand my goal here. Yeah, it's to alert this other woman that she's with a scumbag. It's also a big FU to the OM for stepping on my territory. Plus she's cute, lol. It just may not be helpful with the R that we're currently going through. Not sure if it's worth the trouble.

What would/did you do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yes


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How long ago did you and wife reconcile? Has she had any contact with OM? If we are talking a brief period of time, yes let her know.

But if you and wife for a while now and are doing well and there has been no contact, I would be hesitant to rock the boat.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How long ago did you and wife reconcile? Has she had any contact with OM? If we are talking a brief period of time, yes let her know.
> 
> But if you and wife for a while now and are doing well and there has been no contact, I would be hesitant to rock the boat.


We are just starting our journey of reconciliation. She works with OM. Lots of unanswered questions about our future.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

In a heart beat, in fact I did tell the AP's significant other, as I thought about it and knew that I would have liked to be told as well.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

by disclosing to the GF, you may learn more, like it was a PA, not just an EA or get a better time line or something.

If they work together and see each other daily, how can you R? there would not be NC.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And you know it didn't go physical... how?


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I would inform. I would want to be informed. 

I actually did tell the OW's husband in my situation. It felt really good. Sadly, it didn't stop anything, but it's definitely out in the open now. The other spouse seems to just tolerate whatever his wife does. I felt similar to you, why should she get away with it when she's hurting me. I was also being told they were just friends so if they are just friends then no harm in telling people. 

It is still frustrating when I find out that a friend knew something all along and never passed it on, even close friends. I try to remember it's difficult to know what to do in that situation.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

yes all day everyday.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> We are just starting our journey of reconciliation. She works with OM. Lots of unanswered questions about our future.


Then yes, I would let her know. 

More importantly, are you comfortable with them still working together? I'd be going out of my mind.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> by disclosing to the GF, you may learn more, like it was a PA, not just an EA or get a better time line or something.
> 
> If they work together and see each other daily, how can you R? there would not be NC.


He works in a different building. Our first MC is tomorrow and THIS will be one of the first topics I bring up.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Then yes, I would let her know.
> 
> More importantly, are you comfortable with them still working together? I'd be going out of my mind.


They work in different buildings, so I can kind of justify moving forward in my head. It's not like they're in the same building, on the same team. That would be a deal breaker.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And you know it didn't go physical... how?


Right, I don't know. Believe me, I'm not pretending that's all that happened.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

don't let your wife know you are going to out the OM to the OMW, no matter what you end up doing.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> don't let your wife know you are going to out the OM to the OMW, no matter what you end up doing.


Unfortunately, I can only do it through Facebook, so she's going to find out if I decide to follow through.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Then yes, I would let her know.
> 
> More importantly, are you comfortable with them still working together? I'd be going out of my mind.


Let her know asap if they are working together. You may find out it was more than an ea.
Do it in person if you can FB can be intercepted.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I would find a way for her not to find out. Then you will see how well NC is working. The OM will toss her under the bus, when his W finds out and you will recieve your W wrath (at least typically).


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> I would find a way for her not to find out. Then you will see how well NC is working. The OM will toss her under the bus, when his W finds out and you will recieve your W wrath (at least typically).


Interesting point. I will keep this in mind. Thanks.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I'd do it in a heartbeat. Screw him.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> I'm trying to understand my goal here What would you do?


The goal is to destroy this affair completely you can't do that with partial exposure tell the OM GF.


It's better to have four sets of eye watching them then two.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> I'd do it in a heartbeat. Screw him.


They still work together. Do you have an ally at her work place so you can get info.
Or try spokeo for a fee you may get the info you need.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> We are just starting our journey of reconciliation. She works with OM. Lots of unanswered questions about our future.


9 months EA with a coworker ?

I have a very good deal on a bridge? Interested?

Ok, without the sarcasm, are they in the same city??

Why do you think iit was just EA?

how did you find out?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> 9 months EA with a coworker ?
> 
> I have a very good deal on a bridge? Interested?
> 
> ...


You may need to polygraph her or at least the threat of one then sit back and see her reaction.
Go out and get a voice activated recorder for her car and a pen var for her purse just to make sure this is really over.
I would.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> 9 months EA with a coworker ?
> 
> I have a very good deal on a bridge? Interested?
> 
> ...


I would love to buy your bridge, sir! LOL.

I'm just going off what she has told me. I don't believe it was just EA...

I went into her emails. Saw messages and dirty pics she sent to him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> I would love to buy your bridge, sir! LOL.
> 
> I'm just going off what she has told me. I don't believe it was just EA...
> 
> I went into her emails. Saw messages and dirty pics she sent to him.


The both of you have to get STD tests then and get the vars to make sure it's over.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

tom67 said:


> The both of you have to get STD tests then and get the vars to make sure it's over.


Good point.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes. Tell her.

She deserves to know and if you feel better getting some payback then all the better.

Plus you and OM's GF can compare notes, you may find out more from her....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Yes. Tell her.
> 
> She deserves to know and if you feel better getting some payback then all the better.
> 
> Plus you and OM's GF can compare notes, you may find out more from her....


:iagree::iagree:
Do it!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

The GF deserves to know.
Either your WW or her OM need to get a different job, like yesterday!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> I would love to buy your bridge, sir! LOL.
> 
> I'm just going off what she has told me. I don't believe it was just EA...
> 
> I went into her emails. Saw messages and dirty pics she sent to him.


How can you R with no truth or transparency?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> My wife had an EA with the OM for approx. 9 months. I met the OM's GF very briefly at a party a while back. I only knew her first name...until recently. I was able to find out who she was. I can reach out to her, but should I?
> 
> I'm trying to understand my goal here. Yeah, it's to alert this other woman that she's with a scumbag.


Yes, alert her so she knows what kind of person she is with.

But remember, a scumbag he is, but your wife engaged in the same behavior with him. What does that make her?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If she was in a 9 month EA with a person she works with, then she CANNOT still work with that person. PERIOD !

As long as she works with him, you are in false R, IMO. 

BTW, the odds of a work affair not going PA after 9 months is slim.

And to answer your question, YES, of course you tell the POSOM's GF, because, like you, she has a right to know. If this situation was reversed, wouldn't you want the GF to tell you ?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I couldn't r with a lier but that's just me. Take your time and consider your options.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell the girlfriend and get yourself a VAR.

When does your cheating wife start her new job?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

smileandlaugh, two things:

1. Definitely tell the GF. For all the reasons everyone has stated.

2. Save yourself who knows how many months or years of excruciating uncertainty and emotional roller-coastering by simply assuming that your wife had a PA, and proceeding from that assumption. Because even if she didn't (doubtful), her deception has made it impossible for you to believe her. This is the price she pays for lying and deceiving. Tell her (and MC) that you assume it was a PA, and decide from there about R.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Sure would. Karma doesn't work on it's own. Needs a helper.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Yuuuup


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She had the EA. She's the one that screwed up. She owns it and has to accept the fact that she's the only one to blame.

If she's serious in wanting to R, then this is part of the deal and by not doing so, your rug sweeping the affair.

If she gets pissed, then all you have to do is tell her that none of this would have happened if she would have respected her relationship with you, respected you and your marriage. She has no right getting pissed and should be happy that your giving her another chance. 

If she has a hard time understanding that then you should tell her the other option is finding another place to live and tell her your filing for divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the vars first, put one in the car and one in the house. The best case is to be gone when you tell the other man's wife,omw. You may get lucky and catch an immediate convo.

You can also get a great pen var at brickhouse security online to put in her purse.

When you tell his SO, tell her you belive it was physical but your wife denies it.

Re the vars, get the sony model at bestbuy or walmart that costs about sixty bucks. Get lithium btteries and the will work great. Test drive them first to get settings right. Heavy duty velcro one of them under the front seat.

Is her phone synched with a pc at home?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

It doesn't sound like you have really looked into doing a 180. Theres a link for it here at the bottom of my post. Also, be very careful with the councillor you choose. All problems that she has with you has to be put to side. She is likely blaming it on you as to the reason she cheated. Your world was just shattered and now you can't trust her. If you can't trust how can you possibly start to correct things your doing to make her happy? Make sure your councillor makes regaining your trust a priority. She has to carry the load. 

Read more here. Your question is a no brainer. Hell yes tell the gf. Read up and start a 180. Do not rug sweep this. If you don't stand your ground she will cheat again. It's just a matter of time.

Sorry your here.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would tell her. Wouldn't think twice about it.



smileandlaugh said:


> It just may not be helpful with the R that we're currently going through. Not sure if it's worth the trouble.


Please explain to me why exposing the OM to his GF wouldn't be helpful with the"R"? If you are in "R" your wife should be over him, correct? What exactly are you afraid of?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I would tell her. Wouldn't think twice about it.
> 
> 
> 
> Please explain to me why exposing the OM to his GF wouldn't be helpful with the"R"? If you are in "R" your wife should be over him, correct? What exactly are you afraid of?


:scratchhead::scratchhead:
You may want to start snooping for a pay as you go phone also known as a burner.
But get the vars now!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Wait wait wait....This guy cheated on the w after she had an affair. He has a whole seperate post about it. 

smileandlaugh, keep in mind that most of the time we don't look at all your posts. You ask something on this post with out all the history your going to get bad information. Both of you need to get entirely honest. She was wrong for cheating on you. We could have helped with saving it, not that it's still not possible, but that is a big deal. 

I honestly don't know what to offer knowing that you also sleept with another women. Telling the gf but not not telling her you slept with someone else is....for a better lack of words, not smart. 

I would say chalk this one up for experience and move on. Get into IC and really learn from it. You sound young and I hope you are. You can recover from this and do better the next time around.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

The problem is that the Wayward spouses like to take their time ending it, they will say that it was on it's way out, they ust needed to get out of it the right way, etc., but they are probably taking the long road home to totally end it. You will take the power back by circumventing their long ending and force them to cold turkey it. 
If you contact the OM's partner, this will also make you the one in the drivers seat, and you will be the one who she is running after to save the marriage. 
This will be good for you.
Of course, it means that lots of people will start to find out about it, so that might be something you don't want to deal with, but either way, there are probably people that know already.
Good luck to you.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Gonnabealright said:


> Wait wait wait....This guy cheated on the w after she had an affair. He has a whole seperate post about it.
> 
> smileandlaugh, keep in mind that most of the time we don't look at all your posts. You ask something on this post with out all the history your going to get bad information. Both of you need to get entirely honest. She was wrong for cheating on you. We could have helped with saving it, not that it's still not possible, but that is a big deal.
> 
> ...


Yes - and didnt he say he was open to the idea of opening up the marriage so as to not "always second guess what she was out doing". Sweet environment to raise a toddler.
To answer the original question, yes you should notify the girlfriend. The only issue is that it should be like number 10 on your list of priorities.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

barbados said:


> If she was in a 9 month EA with a person she works with, then she CANNOT still work with that person. PERIOD !
> 
> As long as she works with him, you are in false R, IMO.
> 
> ...


I told him that already. Unfortunately, he said in his other thread that his WW won't quit and he agrees with that. Money is more important than his marriage apparently.



smileandlaugh said:


> She already stated that she won't quit. I can't totally disagree with her here. We both have jobs that pay well...hers is exceptionally well. You have to remember, we have a child, or otherwise I could make that ultimatum. So, for the sake of our child, she needs to keep her job and help support.


So they've decided to rugsweep her A and his RA (handjob from a hooker), as well as continuing to work with OM. This is a totally False R situation. A workplace affair is so very easy to take underground. Especially when she still works with OM (OM works in building across the street), and the latest development is that she has changed her password to her computer at home.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Care to share more details ? This all sounds like one big rug sweeping. Does anything change if it is a PA ?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Care to share more details ? This all sounds like one big rug sweeping. Does anything change if it is a PA ?


Its all in his other thread.

I need help - emotional affair

Its difficult when people start multiple threads and the information is spread across those threads.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yeah.... While she is still working with him you might as well just file for D. Believe me. 

Why did you just stop at a hand job OP? Seriously curious why If you were going to have a RA, why not sleep with her? You had to pay her either way.... and you could have jerk ed off yourself. I think your answer will be indicative of any hope your relationship has


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> Yeah.... While she is still working with him you might as well just file for D. Believe me.
> 
> Why did you just stop at a hand job OP? Seriously curious why If you were going to have a RA, why not sleep with her? You had to pay her either way.... and you could have jerk ed off yourself. I think your answer will be indicative of any hope your relationship has


This guy's just one bad decision after the next.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

happi_g_more2 said:


> This guy's just one bad decision after the next.


Agreed... but... if he did it out of pain / anger and then felt hugely remorseful during / afterwards (which is why he did not sleep with the hooker) then I think that is different than "I felt disconnected, we were in a bad place, I didn't bang her because I didn't want to sleep with a dirty hooker, but had she been clean and attractive I'd have gone through with it..." 

Need more perspective, I guess.... At least that is what I am discerning.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> Agreed... but... if he did it out of pain / anger and then felt hugely remorseful during / afterwards (which is why he did not sleep with the hooker) then I think that is different than "I felt disconnected, we were in a bad place, I didn't bang her because I didn't want to sleep with a dirty hooker, but had she been clean and attractive I'd have gone through with it..."
> 
> Need more perspective, I guess.... At least that is what I am discerning.


The whole thing is bad. People thinking begging to get your girl back with you is bad (which it is. horrible sign of weakness), but nothing says Im pathetic like "im gonna have a rebound with a hooker". Going to a bar, picking up a chick and just kissing her is better then anything with a hooker


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> The whole thing is bad. People thinking begging to get your girl back with you is bad (which it is. horrible sign of weakness), but nothing says Im pathetic like "im gonna have a rebound with a hooker". * Going to a bar, picking up a chick and just kissing her is better then anything with a hooker*


Unless you explicitly tell the chick you're picking up in the bar that it's for revenge on your WW, it's duplicitous. 

Anything done with a hooker is an honest transaction.

Also, if WW derides you and asks why you did it, you could reply along the lines of "I needed some relief and wanted something a lot cleaner than I've been getting".


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

happi_g_more2 said:


> Going to a bar, picking up a chick and just kissing her is better then anything with a hooker


I don't agree with this... I'd rather have my partner get a hand job from a hooker than kiss someone that they were actually felt a connection or attraction to in a bar. I am pretty sure I could forgive a ONS with a hooker, but a LT EA or EA/PA I think is likely beyond my scope.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> I don't agree with this... I'd rather have my partner get a hand job from a hooker than kiss someone that they were actually felt a connection or attraction to in a bar. I am pretty sure I could forgive a ONS with a hooker, but a LT EA or EA/PA I think is likely beyond my scope.


:iagree: Provided the BS is in R and still cares whether the WS forgives.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> I don't agree with this... I'd rather have my partner get a hand job from a hooker than kiss someone that they were actually felt a connection or attraction to in a bar. I am pretty sure I could forgive a ONS with a hooker, but a LT EA or EA/PA I think is likely beyond my scope.


Thats kind of the point right? It was a revenge move. If i was woman and cheated and my husband got back at me by going to a hooker Id think "yeah, loooooooooser". If he actually pulled a chick at a bar, then Id be hurt


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