# why is he doing this to me.....



## mamifelger30

Hi guys... I'm going to try to make this short as possible. I LEFT my husband last year for discovering online hook up sites and sexting. He deployed and the entire deployment he acted like a jerk. He attempted to get me back but I said no . As soon as I asked for proof of his love for me ABD proof I could TRUST him the worst he got. I waited and waited. He dissed me n kids never once SKYPE with us or kids. The only person he became best friends with that he was once a enemy with was his ex wife. 

So then three days before he was coming home he skyped with me to.my surprise later on I found out it was only to see if I was home. His ex wife and daughter welcomed him home! Then after that hit... I came home and there was chaos because I called his commander and told him everything. Few weeks later he disses me n our boys in a snow storm and leaves to Indiana to be with his family. Didn't tell me until I.looked I. Phone bill n he was on hours on end with his ex wife. That when I found out he was on a plane to Indiana. He keeps doing horrible things but I keep fighting for our marriage . Showing him setter FIVE years abd this **** he's pulled he's still worth fighting for.

Then recently after doing the 180 advice it worked. We started having amazing sex I started changing. Some how he's made me feel like I am the one one who needs to change. So I've felt so guilty.I've noticed though I'm just letting him do b whatever for sake being a family. 

Then I'm like what is going on I cannot even tell you your wrong ABD disrespectful without you saying we don't get along or I'm worthless. He says he doesn't love me anymore but yet plays family with me.... Then data your getting your hopes up. It's like a cycle. I'm more positive trying my best and I've developed anxiety now because it's still not good enough... When he's the one who's cheated lied betrayed so.many times. Then one night after I found out he filed for divorce he asks me for sex and searches through my phone. Fyi. When he told me he didn't love me anymore countless of times I told him there are are men out there who would be gladly be with me n appreciate a good women. He saw a text if me n my friend talking ABD most ly about him. There were pictures exchanged but I was honest n told him. He went off. I'm like what is, wrong with you... You tell me your filing for divorce you don't love me., abuse me why do you care!!!!. Then he left house. Next morning came n try to have sex with nee. Smh now after a great week of positive stuff he says I'm not coming home I'm staying with my buddy in base because your getting your hopes up. Then gets mad I'm super emotional and upset..... This thing I found online describes himhis eyes. It’s also because he’s conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of “punishing” you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will."That's him.


Thanks guys 
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## happy as a clam

Ok, not quite sure I understand the whole story, but your husband sounds like a complete a$$ and I wouldn't waste another moment on him.

He's gallivanting all over the place to see his ex-wife (surely having sex with her too), his buddies, and God knows where else. He has completely disrespected you, is playing major head games with you, jerking you around, and basically just toying with you out of meanness.

He sounds completely unstable, untrustworthy, and extremely immature, as in junior-high behavior.

File for divorce. You don't need this cheating scumbag in your life.



> "It’s also because he’s conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of “punishing” you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will."


Wherever you found this on the internet, go back and read some more. Because it describes your relationship to a tee. He is a controlling jerk with low self-esteem and is punishing you because of it.

Time to move on from him.

P.S. Is that a real picture of you in your profile? Because if it is, you are cute as a button, absolutely beautiful, and this jerk doesn't deserve you. You can do much better.


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## mamifelger30

Thanks so much. Yes that me... You really have made me feel so much better. I been suffering a lot. He keeps saying I need to stop this **** right now.... I get a bad latina attitude because of the games n major hurt. How can someone like himself feel so highly n confident. He has major addictions issues etc etc. Has a beautiful family and I'm still not enough. Why not fight for me n our family. Why so many games... Why get mad I was talking to someone else. Treats me like an ibject. I dint even know how I should act anymoreQUOTE=happy as a clam;8125642]Ok, not quite sure I understand the whole story, but your husband sounds like a complete a$$ and I wouldn't waste another moment on him.

He's gallivanting all over the place to see his ex-wife (surely having sex with her too), his buddies, and God knows where else. He has completely disrespected you, is playing major head games with you, jerking you around, and basically just toying with you out of meanness.

He sounds completely unstable, untrustworthy, and extremely immature, as in junior-high behavior.

File for divorce. You don't need this cheating scumbag in your life.



Wherever you found this on the internet, go back and read some more. Because it describes your relationship to a tee. He is a controlling jerk with low self-esteem and is punishing you because of it.

Time to move on from him.

P.S. Is that a real picture of you in your profile? Because if it is, you are cute as a button, absolutely beautiful, and this jerk doesn't deserve you. You can do much better.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mamifelger30

Btw sorry for my story not making sense... It's it really all over the place? Should I edit it ? I keep beating myself for leaving him last year but enough was enough.... Why am I putting all this, effort and he's playing around like he's single. I dunno what to do. Well I know it's so hard mashes me so mad I've been there forgiven him and well now I MEAN nothing to him but sexQUOTE=happy as a clam;8125642]Ok, not quite sure I understand the whole story, but your husband sounds like a complete a$$ and I wouldn't waste another moment on him.

He's gallivanting all over the place to see his ex-wife (surely having sex with her too), his buddies, and God knows where else. He has completely disrespected you, is playing major head games with you, jerking you around, and basically just toying with you out of meanness.

He sounds completely unstable, untrustworthy, and extremely immature, as in junior-high behavior.

File for divorce. You don't need this cheating scumbag in your life.



Wherever you found this on the internet, go back and read some more. Because it describes your relationship to a tee. He is a controlling jerk with low self-esteem and is punishing you because of it.

Time to move on from him.

P.S. Is that a real picture of you in your profile? Because if it is, you are cute as a button, absolutely beautiful, and this jerk doesn't deserve you. You can do much better.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

I'll second that if that is your picture you will find a worthy man in no time.
I'm just saying.


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## mamifelger30

tom67 said:


> I'll second that if that is your picture you will find a worthy man in no time.
> I'm just saying.


 thanks so much @tom67 ... I haven't felt very attractive or beautiful. I feel worthless I'm good wife I give good love everything.... Still not good enough.


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## happy as a clam

mamifelger30 said:


> Btw sorry for my story not making sense... It's it really all over the place? Should I edit it ?


Your story is fine. Just a few spelling typos/run-on words; typing too fast or perhaps you were typing on a mobile phone with auto-correct? 

You didn't mention the addiction issues in your original post, but that adds another whole layer of complexity to his behavior, and also explains why much of what he does is so erratic.

Did you say you have been married for 5 years? Don't waste 5 more on this hurtful man. You sound like a nice person, a good mom, and trust me when I say that you deserve better. You have a beautiful smile; you deserve to be happy. Somebody else would love to have you by their side, a true partner, someone who respects you.


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## mamifelger30

happy as a clam said:


> Your story is fine. Just a few spelling typos/run-on words; typing too fast or perhaps you were typing on a mobile phone with auto-correct?
> 
> You didn't mention the addiction issues in your original post, but that adds another whole layer of complexity to his behavior, and also explains why much of what he does is so erratic.
> 
> Did you say you have been married for 5 years? Don't waste 5 more on this hurtful man. You sound like a nice person, a good mom, and trust me when I say that you deserve better. You have a beautiful smile; you deserve to be happy. Somebody else would love to have you by their side, a true partner, someone who respects you.


Yes it was, my phone auto correct.  yes we have been married five years. He has alcoholic porno websites cigarette addiction bad. Constant attention seeker. I'm ashtrays trying please him make him feel good about himself except when I go off on him about the dirty evil **** he does. I dunno why when he complains about nee I change he still doesn't want to be home not even, see his kids then he says he misses them. Then he wants, sex all the time but then emotional ly he rejects me..... Why is he doing this to me. Did I do something wrong


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## happy as a clam

mamifelger30 said:


> He has alcoholic porno websites cigarette addiction bad. Constant attention seeker...Then he wants, sex all the time but then emotionally he rejects me..... Why is he doing this to me. Did I do something wrong


No, you didn't do anything wrong. But look at your own words above. You have answered your own question: "Why does he do this to me?" Because he has alcohol, porn & cigarette addictions, is a constant attention seeker who wants sex all the time but then rejects you.

That is your answer. Time to move on. But you already know that.


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## mamifelger30

You are right.... Guess I'm still blaming myself trying to fight for my family... Traumatized at fact how me n kids aren't important. How I never gave up on him. Trying to find some humanity . Why tajeb things slow when we are married . You can have sex but dwtach emotionally. Shouldn't I be doing that ? I'm in denial. Feel guilty but I know I'm not wrong. Be always says I.need help. That is him who needs help.... I HATE being hypersensitive to everything...this is bull ****. I have to be strong n let go.UOTE=happy as a clam;8128386]No, you didn't do anything wrong. But look at your own words above. You have answered your own question: "Why does he do this to me?" Because he has alcohol, porn & cigarette addictions, is a constant attention seeker who wants sex all the time but then rejects you.

That is your answer. Time to move on. But you already know that.[/QUOTE]
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## happy as a clam

Mamifelger,

You should contact the moderators and ask them to move this to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. I know you are trying to reconcile, but the fact is he was recently cheating with the ex-wife and you truly do have infidelity issues to deal with. You'll get a lot more traffic, thus a lot more responses, in that area. 

Contact FrenchFry (no spaces) or Deejo and ask them to move it...


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## mamifelger30

He ran to his ex wife like a puppy dog not sure if he cheated... I'm not sure to even fight anymore. So much damage he's done to my mental so afraid to leave its disgusting. How can someone just stop loving you.... I haven't even find h as Mr the horrible things he's done. But yet I wavy to reconcileQUOTE=happy as a clam;8128778]Mamifelger,

You should contact the moderators and ask them to move this to the "Coping with Infidelity" forum. I know you are trying to reconcile, but the fact is he was recently cheating with the ex-wife and you truly do have infidelity issues to deal with. You'll get a lot more traffic, thus a lot more responses, in that area. 

Contact FrenchFry (no spaces) or Deejo and ask them to move it...[/QUOTE]
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## SteveK

How long after he was divorced from his Ex-Wife did you meet him and marry him?

Did he leave her for you?

Has she been trying to Reconcile with him?, and if so how long were they married.

These answers can all play into what is going on with him and her.


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## mamifelger30

He left her for me. He he filed for divorce against her. Thing is that he didn't run to her till after we were fighting hard. And supposedly she is getting married........ But since there best friend now who knows. She lol once when I asked her if they were getting back together she said he'll no. But the way he denies ever talking to her like that makes me wonder. I keep asking if there's another women. He says no. I don't know why he desires me only sexually. N refuses any intimacy. He says I've hurt him with my words. N the way I made him look in front of his command. I'm so lost


SteveK said:


> How long after he was divorced from his Ex-Wife did you meet him and marry him?
> 
> Did he leave her for you?
> 
> Has she been trying to Reconcile with him?, and if so how long were they married.
> 
> These answers can all play into what is going on with him and her.


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## mamifelger30

He married me not long after divorce. ABD he left me for another women once n proposed to her. He even did it with his ex wife n another women. Apparently he wants to marry them all. He was married off n on four years with her. She says she was his first love etc etc and now makes excuses or denies the same exact things he did to me he did to herQUOTE=mamifelger30;8160977]He left her for me. He he filed for divorce against her. Thing is that he didn't run to her till after we were fighting hard. And supposedly she is getting married........ But since there best friend now who knows. She lol once when I asked her if they were getting back together she said he'll no. But the way he denies ever talking to her like that makes me wonder. I keep asking if there's another women. He says no. I don't know why he desires me only sexually. N refuses any intimacy. He says I've hurt him with my words. N the way I made him look in front of his command. I'm so lost
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
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## SteveK

He sounds like my wife's POSOM, I know you love him, but some men are relationship addicts. It's an interesting psychology. once they are in a new relationship their fear of intimacy kicks in plus they also have a fear of rejection.

The thrill is the chase, the dating behavior and the taking of the other person for their spouse. Some of them have a rescue mentality. Moor example in our case he has told my STBXW that he rescued her from me.

The thing is you seem very sweet so it's probably all him.

With my situation my wife is a narcissist and she likes all the attention, but I can tell you he will eventually tire of her or tire of her personality and toss her away.

Blog | Glynis Sherwood Counselling | Vancouver | Canada | USA


35 Characteristics of a Relationship Addict | Christian Marriage Articles | Growthtrac


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## mamifelger30

He's a huge narcissistic sociopath... I loved him very much I'm letting go now... He doesn't want his family. Not sure why.he went though my phone or say he just wants me physically it's sad
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## gulfwarvet

Wow- I responded to your first thread months ago, I can't believe this is still ongoing.
You need to start taking some assertive steps for your own sake.
-Sounds like your very co dependent -have you thought about going to counseling?
I really think you are in need of some clarity.
You need to accept the fact that life isn't going to get any better until you get rid of this guy.
Abusers will suck the life out of you.-I know.
Truly the best thing to do is detach from them, do not speak with them, if it concerns the kids communicate in so far as you have to and keep it to texting or email.
If he becomes more of a problem and starts harassing you file a restraining order against him.
-Think about going to legal on base and file against him and get support so you can take care of the kids.
What you need is peace in your life, once you have it you won't want to go back to the way your life was before and you will wonder why you stayed with him so long.
Don't worry about companionship after divorce, your young and attractive -there will be guys waiting in line to go out with you.


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## EleGirl

So he cheated on his first wife with you. Then he left/divorce her and married you?

You are learning a very hard truth. Most affairs end this way... badly. You married a man who cannot be trusted, who acts like a spoiled brat. So why do you expect him to be any different? You can wish he was different all you want... but that's not going to change him.

Your best bet is to just let him go through with the divorce. Move on with your life. And next time don't get hooked up with a cheater.


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## EleGirl

mamifelger30 said:


> He's a huge narcissistic sociopath... I loved him very much I'm letting go now... He doesn't want his family. Not sure why.he went though my phone or say he just wants me physically it's sad


Are you still living with him? If so why?

Stop having sex with him. The last thing you need is another child by this guy. What a night mare that would be.


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## SteveK

EleGirl said:


> So he cheated on his first wife with you. Then he left/divorce her and married you?
> 
> You are learning a very hard truth. Most affairs end this way... badly. You married a man who cannot be trusted, who acts like a spoiled brat. So why do you expect him to be any different? You can wish he was different all you want... but that's not going to change him.
> 
> Your best bet is to just let him go through with the divorce. Move on with your life. And next time don't get hooked up with a cheater.


My wife has been running around with a serial womanizer who has had at least six affairs before her. He finally left his wife he says for MY WIFE!! For some reason she thinks that she is the one he will settle down with. He has brought her to his country and told her it is now their apartment.

What my highly educated but narcissistic wife fails to realize is that he will lie cheat and steal, and she is his newest victim. Because hes to old and ugly now to get the young Rich woman from his tours he has target a 52 year old beautiful fit woman who wants to throw her career out the window. He wont let her go and she wont leave him.

My point is all of the therapists have said that once we are divorced and she is ready to marry him, he will walk away, (I think they got engaged even though they are married, I know she got him an engagement ring---probably because she really does not trust him)

This is what you are running into now...leave him..walk away...
Isn't it that he went back to his ex-wife??

IT also took me a long time to just throw in the towel and let her go...you should do that as well just get rid of him...

You know there's someone out there willing to give you the life you deserve


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## happy as a clam

mamifelger,

I didn't realize when I first responded that you have started FIVE other threads, all with the same questions and concerns. For starters, you will get a LOT more responses if you stick to one thread instead of starting new ones. People can follow your story more easily and the advice you get will be much more useful.

Having said that, since this same issue has been going on for months and months with no apparent resolution, I think it is time for you to recognize that you are codependent in this very unhealthy relationship. The two of you are playing games (yes, you are too by allowing it to continue) and dancing round and round the same issues with no boundaries and no solutions.

You seriously should consider getting yourself into counseling (NOT marriage counseling, individual counseling for yourself) so you can begin to discover what it is in YOUR psyche that craves this toxic relationship and your even MORE toxic husband.

I don't mean to be harsh, but nothing has changed since your first post last year. It's time to sh*t or get off the pot.

You can do this. You are a military family; if cost is an issue, see if you can go to the VA or see a counselor on base. Your benefits should cover this.


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