# The "perfect" marriage....



## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

..... SEan's version


So those of you here on TAM who have been following our ordeal, i have made some recent discoveries in the last few days that struck an odd feeling in the pit ofmy stomach. This time i followed it and it led me to where i am right now, awake for almost 30 hours straight now, did a little reading while the hubby was "out at his friends for the night" (and still not back nor answering any calls) I found that he breached my trust and rewrote one of my most intimate journal entries on here, this that were heart wrenching for me, so i will return the favor and post a journal entry of his i happen to stumble across (along with many personal FB messages that he deleted one from a 19 yr old girl he has threatened to F***, and an oline dating website he his signed up for these are just from 2 weeks of internet history, can't imagine what else i'm missing, or have missed over ten years)




THE GREAT WOLFGAR, at his shining hour

side note- feel like im going to die, my entire marriage is a pack of F*****G lies!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you keep to one thread , it helps keep consistency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suggest a time out and regroup


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> I suggest you keep to one thread , it helps keep consistency.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i just spent 5 hours reading 33 pages of his old post, so from that i thought this would be easier as it is a new issue IMO


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Appalling is what comes to mind, totally appalling.


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

morituri said:


> Appalling is what comes to mind, totally appalling.


I want to crawl in a deep dark hole and just cry hysterically

trying my best to keep it together, im home alone with the kids right now, and have to work a 10 hour shift later.... i see a mental break down in m furture. Unbelievable mixed emotions...


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I would consider divorce as a merciful resolution. You two have hurt each other enough. Sorry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

* In the past the idea of being unfaithful to my wife came with a deep sense of guilt, now it seems as though I could careless (another short coming perhaps). I suppose this makes me selfish to put my feelings above hers. 

To put it bluntly, I think it maybe due to the fact that I view her as my property and not a person.


"true remorse"
I’ve known the game just as long as Mike, but being with Lynn I have never really put it to use (besides in East Lansing when Lynn and I were separated, at that time it worked beautifully).,

I did kiss her that night, but there are rules to the game.

Putting such importance on the idea of meeting and ****ing women, it sounds pathetic. But even though I know that, I could careless to do anything about it… at least not at this point. *



i think im going to vomit!!!!!! this is the man i married OMFG


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## lynnie21 (Apr 7, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> I would consider divorce as a merciful resolution. You two have hurt each other enough. Sorry...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


agreed, wise.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lynn remember that a bunch of what her wrote was done during your EA and PA. Like you are feeling now he was going through emotional hell and little sleep so it's likely that much of his writing is complete crap. 

He did fight for you. 
You have worked hard for him. 

Both of you have hurt one another. 

You also both love each other. 

You both are hurting. 

I don't think it's the end but I do think it's time for both of you to renegotiate a new set of rules and boundaries for the new marriage. 

Time for Sean to get a job. 

No more nights over at friends or buddies. Dudes got a wife and a troubled marriage. Time to get working on it. 

You have got to put your affair behind and accept what was done. 

You both have got to make the other person your priority and also not accept being treated any thing less
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I read all the time about couple's reconciling after one spouse had multiple affairs, child's from OM, etc. all the worst things possible. 

Sure your marraige has problems but its no where near what some people have gone through. 

Both of you need to lay out your problems/boundaries and work on them. Posting/arguing over the net isn't going to fix your marriage, you need more face time with sean.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Why are you guys even still married? I hadn't read this far up to Sean's thread, it was too long, but to think he put you through the hell of constant interrogating all the while he had been cheating and has these views about commitment, well, it significantly reduces whatever sympathy he had to be honest.

Divorce now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Right up to now Sean has held your affair over your head but he's no angel himself and needs to either "sh!t or get off the pot" is concerned.

I don't like using divorce as a tool to wake up a cheating or neglectful spouse but sometimes it takes the filing of divorce to shock the other spouse that the game playing is over. Either way you will know because his actions after the filing will tell you whether he's going to end his crap and commit to the hard work of marital recovery OR he's going to continue his bad behavior unabated. I sincerely hope it is the former.

Lastly. You now know firsthand what it is like to be betrayed in such appalling manner. I say this not to hurt you but for you to experience what cruel behavior feels like, so that you never, ever again inflict on another human being. Use this experience to make yourself into a better person that you and your kids can be proud of.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Why are you guys even still married? I hadn't read this far up to Sean's thread, it was too long, but to think he put you through the hell of constant interrogating all the while he had been cheating and has these views about commitment, well, it significantly reduces whatever sympathy he had to be honest.
> 
> Divorce now.


:iagree:

Just to add.I find Lynnie's post sincere and honest.She came on these boards as an outed wayward and accepted her responsibilities where as Sean hasn't always appeared as forthright.I question his motives for letting posters believe for so long that he wasn't as much in the wrong as far as his own infidelities were concerned.They both have done damage to one another and I'm sure kids feel the constant turmoil.Get on with your lives and find some peace.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

rescinded


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

TBT said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Just to add.I find Lynnie's post sincere and honest.She came on these boards as an outed wayward and accepted her responsibilities where as Sean hasn't always appeared as forthright.I question his motives for letting posters believe for so long that he wasn't as much in the wrong as far as his own infidelities were concerned.They both have done damage to one another and I'm sure kids feel the constant turmoil.Get on with your lives and find some peace.


I think from here onwards whenever a BS comes on here I'm going to ask them to dish their dirty laundry first before casting judgement on the WS. I hate it when we make the WS feel like a piece of crap for their actions when the BS isn't any different.

I hope Sean comes on here to clarify these things. Who knows, he might have a valid explanation for all of this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

What bothers me about the situation as well is Sean, faced with all this turmoil and his marriage hanging in the balance, goes to a friend's house, stays out all night and gets drunk when he should be home with his wife and children trying to work through reconciliation. I know there is no excuse for infidelity but I can't blame Lynn for looking for a way out of this relationship if this is "normal."

Edit: And I can't believe I just wrote that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

What is worse than Sean not being home with Lynn and the kids is the dude is not going to school nor working to support the family.

They both need to be locked in a room and not let out until they decide to forgive each other and plan a future that they both stick to for the sake of the kids.

That future might be R or D but hell pick one and work on it to make the pain go away.

If they keep pooping on each other then the whole family is going to end up in a big pile of poop.

It is time to put everything on the table you two and make serious decisions about your future.

HM64


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

the stickler for me was how you turned your back on your kids that night. the both of you cheated on each other, and that is so wrong; but to turn your back on your own children is reprehensible --the worst thing a mother can do. 

that is totally unforgivable. imho.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> the stickler for me was how you turned your back on your kids that night. the both of you cheated on each other, and that is so wrong; but to turn your back on your own children is reprehensible --the worst thing a mother can do.
> 
> that is totally unforgivable. imho.


Read about the fog cledus. It really screws with WS heads. If you want to get down to brass tacks, all WS with children turn their backs on them. This case was just more dramatic, not unusual though.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think the fog is kind of a cop out.. An explanation that makes sense to reconciling BS and help them cope with the WS infidelity


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i get that Beowulf, and dramatic for sure.

but the thought of her kids waiting for her- out in the rain- to come home to them, right there and then is heartbreaking.

it doesn't just speak about her issues as a cheating spouse, but as a mother, and how she can literally turn her back on them, in that instant and not even come home that night... she should've come home to soothe _their_ pain.

i don't want to bash her parental skills, but this is waaay off the charts. i don't care in what circumstances you find yourself in, but you never, ever turn your back on your kids like that. the first instinct as a parent, especially a mother, is to keep your kids safe-- above all else. obviously she had a mental lapse, but unforgivable nonetheless.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I think the fog is kind of a cop out.. An explanation that makes sense to reconciling BS and help them cope with the WS infidelity


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

So is depression a cop out for lazy people? Is anxiety a cop out for fraidy cats? Is alcoholism a cop out for drunken a$$holes?

The "fog" has been studied and proven. Its a chemical saturation of dopamine in the brain. This is not speculation. But you choose to believe what you will. People wouldn't believe the world was round either.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> i get that Beowulf, and dramatic for sure.
> 
> but the thought of her kids waiting for her- out in the rain- to come home to them, right there and then is heartbreaking.
> 
> ...


I'm not defending Lynn but the kids were with her husband. They were safe. It was a terrible thing she did. She has acknowledged that. But Morrigan left our son for many nights when she went to meet her lover. Was she a terrible mother? Perhaps but like I said all WS leave their children in some way shape or form.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> So is depression a cop out for lazy people? Is anxiety a cop out for fraidy cats? Is alcoholism a cop out for drunken a$$holes?
> 
> The "fog" has been studied and proven. Its a chemical saturation of dopamine in the brain. This is not speculation. But you choose to believe what you will. People wouldn't believe the world was round either.


I'm not trying to be a pain but, I do in fact feel that way about alcoholism as well. People make choices....plain and simple. My BPD could be used as a "cop out" as well, doesn't mean I didn't still choose to do what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm not trying to be a pain but, I do in fact feel that way about alcoholism as well. People make choices....plain and simple. My BPD could be used as a "cop out" as well, doesn't mean I didn't still choose to do what I did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, that's why wayward spouses like alcoholics have to accept responsibility for their actions. The fog is not an excuse but it is an explanation. Did you know that recent scientific studies are linking certain genes to dopaimine receptors in the brain to try to explain why some people will cheat while others seems to be able to keep up their boundaries? Why would they be studying this if there was no previous validation of a dopamine fog? I can provide you links if you'd like.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I've read a lot about it. I am a WW myself as you know. It is an explanation but, people seem to use it as an excuse. The whole, "I was in the fog." Science or not, if I had tried for one second to play that off for an explanation of my stupidity, we would not be together.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i don't know your exact sitch, Beowulf. 

if she left them unsupervised, then yes she _is_ a "terrible" mother.

i just can't wrap my head around it. call me naive, in this regard(a WS's mentality).


btw- cute kid you got there, pidge.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> i don't know your exact sitch, Beowulf.
> 
> if she left them unsupervised, then yes she _is_ a "terrible" mother.
> 
> i just can't wrap my head around it. call me naive, in this regard(a WS's mentality).


No, I was watching him just like Lynn's husband was watching her boys. It sucks but it just is. You can accept it without excusing it. If you can't accept it you can never reconcile.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> btw- cute kid you got there, pidge.


Thank you!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I've read a lot about it. I am a WW myself as you know. It is an explanation but, people seem to use it as an excuse. The whole, "I was in the fog." Science or not, if I had tried for one second to play that off for an explanation of my stupidity, we would not be together.


Those that use it as an excuse are not remorseful. Its that simple. But most BS need an explanation for why. As a WW can you honestly say why you did what you did? Sure you can say you were selfish and that is true but does that really suffice? So every time you feel selfish (and we all do at times) its ok to devastate someone? No, its because you were getting a flood of dopamine in the brain that confused your normal rational self...and you were selfish. You cannot ignore the physical as well as the mental. If you get drunk and cheat on your spouse do you accept responsibility? Of course. But would you have cheated if you weren't drunk? Ah, now there's the rub.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

but you didn't go and confront her with kids in toe. from what i read she didn't even come down, let alone come home after the fact. 

the gravity of that incident should've brought her a** home that night. kwim

i don't want to beat a dead horse. i really hope they can get past this, however it plays out-- D or R. i just know i could never forget that. do what you will to me, but don't put my kids in that situation, or there'll be hell to pay.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

And the other side of the story is told. To me it seems like this is turning into a pissing match between lynnie & wolf or it's headed in that direction.

Each trying to justify their position. At this point you both need to either wipe the slate clean and start all over and let bygones be bygones or just divorce and move on with your lives.

There is so much that has happened between the 2 of you that you both have to either accept one or the other solution and not F around with one another at this point and screw with your kids. They're the ones that are the ultimate victims in all of this and each of you is standing there with a line drawn in the sand seeing who blinks 1st.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Those that use it as an excuse are not remorseful. Its that simple. But most BS need an explanation for why. As a WW can you honestly say why you did what you did? Sure you can say you were selfish and that is true but does that really suffice? So every time you feel selfish (and we all do at times) its ok to devastate someone? No, its because you were getting a flood of dopamine in the brain that confused your normal rational self...and you were selfish. You cannot ignore the physical as well as the mental. If you get drunk and cheat on your spouse do you accept responsibility? Of course. But would you have cheated if you weren't drunk? Ah, now there's the rub.


This is the last I post as I don't want to hijack this thread. Have you read about BPD? All kinds of "explanations" for my behavior, not one vindicates me from my actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> And the other side of the story is told. To me it seems like this is turning into a pissing match between lynnie & wolf or it's headed in that direction.
> 
> Each trying to justify their position. At this point you both need to either wipe the slate clean and start all over and let bygones be bygones or just divorce and move on with your lives.
> 
> There is so much that has happened between the 2 of you that you both have to either accept one or the other solution and not F around with one another at this point and screw with your kids. They're the ones that are the ultimate victims in all of this and each of you is standing there with a line drawn in the sand seeing who blinks 1st.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He does not work, he takes vacations on your dime, woman are just for sex and to support him, he is living the single life drinking with friends on your dime. 

Is this right? He is a nightmare. Turn him lose so he gets a job and support himself. He has no respect for you, no appreciation for anything you have done, and no feelings for his kids. So what is the draw. He is one large waste of skin. 

He is a loser of the first order. He could not get a woman on any terms who would want him. Let him get out there and try and work his charms on beautiful women. 

He is delusions will come to a halt when he realizes that he actually has to work for a living and that his something for noting life style is over. 

Let him try and find a women who will give a losers like him anything but a look of disgust.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> So is depression a cop out for lazy people? Is anxiety a cop out for fraidy cats? Is alcoholism a cop out for drunken a$$holes?
> 
> The "fog" has been studied and proven. Its a chemical saturation of dopamine in the brain. This is not speculation. But you choose to believe what you will. People wouldn't believe the world was round either.


Don't get offended. But isn't true for any other thing in life. Let me try to explain what I feel. These things(dopamine etc) are basically primal instincts that make mating possible. You are meant to be attracted to the other gender. Sex is supposed to feel good. These are natural evolution induced highs. So I agree that when in affair, the feeling is so good. But isn't rationality that is supposed to make us human.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I don't know the full history of this t^t-for-tat but I don't think the purpose of this site is to expose spouses' private writings (whether in retaliation for doing the same or not).


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Don't get offended. But isn't true for any other thing in life. Let me try to explain what I feel. These things(dopamine etc) are basically primal instincts that make mating possible. You are meant to be attracted to the other gender. Sex is supposed to feel good. These are natural evolution induced highs. So I agree that when in affair, the feeling is so good. But isn't rationality that is supposed to make us human.


Have you ever done something that was irrational? Have you ever got drunk? Ever drove a car when you were so tired that you knew you shouldn't? Ever walked down a dark alley late at night? Dr. Phil got a vasectomy and didn't tell his wife. Rush Limbaugh took oxycotin. About three months in to our reconciliation I verbally and emotionally abused Morrigan. Shouldn't I have been more rational? I was later diagnosed with PTSD but that's no excuse right? Humans are irrational on many occasions. Sometimes things happen and we have to take responsibility for them. But why they happened...that is the question. How many BS don't want to know WHY? Is it an excuse...NO. Is it a reason...yes.

Edit: Not offended btw. Just a healthy discussion.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> This is the last I post as I don't want to hijack this thread. Have you read about BPD? All kinds of "explanations" for my behavior, not one vindicates me from my actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. And that's all I'm saying. Excuse no. Explanation yes.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

YOU CANNOT KEEP TRYING TO BLAME EACH OTHER TO JUSTIFY EACH OTHERS CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF YOU - GROW UP!!!!!! This constant pain and hurt you are causing each other will ruin the both of you. 

You either have to divorce or move on.

Both H and I had A's. It has been 5 years since D-day. Recently things have gotten a little rocky. I have issues I need to work on. I know this. I may not have dealt with them correctly during R just b/c I was so focused on how "he wronged me" and since what he did was worse in my eyes, justified my actions in my head. This is now causing problems. 

I know what I have to do to make R work. I have to grow up, be an adult, take ownership of my actions and appologize sincerly to my husband...and get into some IC...

If you don't let go (BOTH OF YOU) even if you R, in a few years you will be back facing the same issues.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And worse than the damage both of you are inflicting on each other is the damage that you are doing to your children. They feel the stress and pain that both of you feel.

Vi bride said it wisely, both of you need to grow up. Not just for each other but for your children as well.

You can both stop the pain. That is a conscious decision that the two of you need to make now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm sorry if I repeat or reword something that was already said, at this point in the thread I imagine others have said what Im about to say. I skimmed this and it irriated me enough to post before reading everything....

"I'm not going to tell the story the way it happened. I'm going to tell it the way I remember it."

_-Finn
Great Expectations _


That's what each of you are doing. Telling the story the way you remember it. Any experience that's steeped in emotion is translated with some internal bias. Its the nature of things. 

But, as long as you need to feel right or wrong and you look for outside validation for those feelings, there will be no reconcilation. 

This whole thread makes me horribly uncomfortable. I feel like your keeping score and we are involved. The only thing that requires a scoring is a game. Contrary to what one or both of you might think this isn't a F#@%)# game, it's your lives & the lives or your children. It's very short and you don't get this time back. Both of you are blowing it playing some stupid game about who is right & wrong, or _more right & more wrong_.

Please set this all aside. It doesn't matter anymore.

Only questions now are... You think you can do this? & Do you _want_ to fix this? 

If you both answer yes... 

Then GTFO out of here. Sit down with the person you intended to spend your one and only life with, and be honest. You need motivation? Look in the eyes of those children you are blessed with. 

Throw away the scorecards and strip off the bullsh*t. Get really _naked_, look at each others souls and apologize. Have a deep cry and get to work damn it!. If you have a chance to fix this, Then you have a rare gift... Stop taking this gift for granted. Many of us never had that chance.

Please leave. Go fight for this. GO !! GTFO Damn it, your window is closing!!.

*edit* Golly Gee Willickers, I just read the other thread. Maybe I should resind the above comment. lol. Where's the fold button?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

There are some things that just can't be fixed. This toxic relationship looks like one of those things. Do each other a favor and go your separate ways.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> And the other side of the story is told. To me it seems like this is turning into a pissing match between lynnie & wolf or it's headed in that direction.


It is well into a pissing match already.

Instead of going to divorce court, they are trying to have trial by TAM. Why they would want to do that is beyond me.

The Dysfunction is Strong here.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is a cheater and disrespectful towards her husband and kids she dont deserve a faithful husband, On the other hand he is a lazy skank who is also cheating he also don't deserve a faithful wife. Actually both of you desserve each other, then why this throwing mud on each other?

You want him to stay faithful to you when you are screwing around, he want you to be faithful when he is screwing around. Really..........The "perfect" marriage....


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