# Depressed husband?



## hubbys baby (May 26, 2009)

Hi everyone...
I hope that i posted this in the right area.

I wonder how many wives/girlfriends have dealt with their spouse's depression?

I think my hubby is depressed and i'm not sure what it is that im supposed to do, if anything.

He stays up all night, cuz he can't sleep, then he sleeps all day.
When he's not sleeping he is on the computer or playing games. 
We do still have dinner together and we take the kids swimming every evening.

He knows that he needs to take something to sleep, but refuses to go to the doctor to get his meds.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Any help on this would be appreciated.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

How does he hold a job like that?
If he refuses its more than just depression, its a lifestyle and things will only get worse. 
I'd do anything to not enable him to continue as is so he seeks help.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

My husband was the same way a few years ago. It took some convincing but he eventually went in & the meds did help. He was placed on them again a month ago. The doctors helping him with his back told him to start taking them as they could see it in his face. 

I think it was guilt they were seeing but what do I know.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you sure he's playing games?

If he is, that's an avoidance/coping mechanism. Or, he's just not a grownup yet. Either/or.

It is a real problem. Is he willing to acknowlege it?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I was with a man long time ago who was depressed...
he refused to help himself, instead when he stayed up all night he got drunk and slept all day, he couldn't hold a job.
He also couldn't have an erection, he had a bad attitude and blamed me for all his issues.
I left him. He said I would regret it, but so far, about 20 plus years later, have had no regrets.
To him it was a way to get out of being responsible to blame others... he had major issues.
I saw him once after that and he was hoping I fell on my face in life. I didn't tell him much or say much to him as he still had his major bad attitude and I did not fall on my face in life, as a matter of fact, life got wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better after leaving him.
In summary of the situation: he was a loser
and he knew it, maybe the reason for his depression. He wouldn't help himself because he was lazy. I am glad I left him as it would have been unbearable with him.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

My husband is depressed as well. He has it for years. Even though he takes some meds but it seems the pills don't work well. He's still complaining about having a depression. His sleep schedule is screwed up. Sometimes he sleeps during the day and stay awake all night and sometimes he does the opposite. When he's awake, he spends almost his time in front of computer. 

Honestly..It's hard living with him. I know that he had a hard life and he's not happy about what is going on right now but still...I feel so frustrated to be with him. I am sure that He is a good dad, no doubt about it but...I don't know...

It's hard to have a conversation with him because he gets angry so easy. Simple conversation can be so stressful if he is not happy about the topic or if something came up. Sometimes I try to avoid interaction with him even though he will complain about me not have time to chat with him. He doesn't realize that he is not the only person who is not happy. I am not happy either.

I tried to talk to him how I feel but he refused to listen, instead he asked me to talk to psychiatry because he couldn't handle another problem. I just want him to know that this is not easy for me either but he doesn't want to know and he doesn't care. He thinks he is the only person who is miserable.

The only thing I can do is to be patient with him and hopefully I can survive in this situation.

to Hubby's dady....

I think you should talk to him and encourage him to see a doctor. I am afraid if he is going to get worse if he doesn't seek for help soon. 

Maybe you should research some article about depression, read it and see if your husband has it. If you think he has it maybe you can show some article that you read to your husband. Hopefully he will read it and he will help for help after reading it. Because depression can get worse overtime. I hope your husband can help himself to get through this and please be patient to encourage him all the time.

I hope your life is going well


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Preso, you described my husband (minus the booze). He is going through alot of stress in his work life. I pleaded to allow me to be by his side and help him through these tough times, he refused.

He would blame me for everything that went wrong in the house, living with him was and still is tough because he is very angry very easy and I am afraid to even talk to him. I encourgaed him to talk it out with a professional but again, he refused.

The only way I could ever communicate with him is through email.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Veronica Jackson said:


> Preso, you described my husband (minus the booze). He is going through alot of stress in his work life. I pleaded to allow me to be by his side and help him through these tough times, he refused.
> 
> He would blame me for everything that went wrong in the house, living with him was and still is tough because he is very angry very easy and I am afraid to even talk to him. I encourgaed him to talk it out with a professional but again, he refused.
> 
> The only way I could ever communicate with him is through email.


 Well, veronica...At least you found a way to communicate with him even through the email. I tried that one time, but it didn't work for me. He read it but he didn't react or even say anything about it.  

I tried write a letter or note to tell him how I feel but he still didn't care until now. He always thinks that he is the only person who is hurt and miserable. 

He would blame me for everything that happen (almost what your husband did to you). I feel the same exact way like you...I feel afraid to talk to him because he gets angry easily. Simple conversation can be so stressful and it's hard to avoid the argumentation with him. I hate to argue..but If I didn't say anything when he said something (usually with high tone, yell, scream..you named it) he always thinks that I am ignoring him...the fact is I heard what he was saying, but I just couldn't say anything.

the truth is...I don't know how long I can deal with this...screaming....yelling...etc.

I know how hard his life is...but I wish he understand that this is not easy for me either.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

hubby... IMHO he needs to realize that he needs to take charge of his life. He is a dad and he needs to lift himself up to be a good role model for his kids. Playing games is just an escape from his reality, but if he doesn't face up to his reality, nothing will change. Everyone goes through difficult times, but we have to be strong for the kids. I too was diagnosed with depression about 3/4 weeks ago, but i have since realized that i will continue to feel "down" if i don't take action. Yes, i am on medication, but i also believe in the power of positive thinking. In the end only he can change this. I started questioning everything in my life to try and understand why i have depression. At times it is very difficult for me to really understand everything. But i know that i am the one that will change me. He needs to make that decision. 

As most men are practical i would suggest the following:

Can he perhaps think of what his ideal life/day would be like? How much different is that to his current reality? Can he fill the gaps to get there? 

I also believe that depression could just be a feeling without it being a reflection on his life. (Genetics)

In the end if he wants a better life he needs to do something about it. All you can do is to be there for him as support, without constantly telling him that. You can only do so much, the rest is up to him whether he wants to be better or not.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Conflicted said:


> hubby... IMHO he needs to realize that he needs to take charge of his life. He is a dad and he needs to lift himself up to be a good role model for his kids. Playing games is just an escape from his reality, but if he doesn't face up to his reality, nothing will change. Everyone goes through difficult times, but we have to be strong for the kids. I too was diagnosed with depression about 3/4 weeks ago, but i have since realized that i will continue to feel "down" if i don't take action. Yes, i am on medication, but i also believe in the power of positive thinking. In the end only he can change this. I started questioning everything in my life to try and understand why i have depression. At times it is very difficult for me to really understand everything. But i know that i am the one that will change me. He needs to make that decision.
> 
> As most men are practical i would suggest the following:
> 
> ...


I always try to be there for him. Listen to each complaining he has. It just...Maybe I am not good at it. When I try to support him, he thinks that I pushed him. When I try not to do anything, he thinks that I wasn't being empathy for him. I don't know what kind of support I can give. Do I have to agree about everything he said even it isn't right?

It just hard sometimes to be really "there" for him when what I heard is yelling, screaming, and complaining. He blamed me for everything, even when it wasn't my fault. 

_In the end if he wants a better life he needs to do something about it. All you can do is to be there for him as support, without constantly telling him that. You can only do so much, the rest is up to him whether he wants to be better or not._

"to be there for him" What exactly I have to do to be "there for him".

He is constantly complaining about the life he has right now. I tried to be a good listener (because the end that's the only thing I can do), but apparently that wasn't enough for him. I don't know what he wants me to do because everything I've done is always wrong. It confuses me. I feel no matter what I did, it never pleased him.

I just don't know what to do.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Find yourself a hobby. Invest some time in YOU. MY H just went thru a round of depression that nearly cost us our marriage. I could see him spiraling out of control, and could do little more than let it run its course...2 weeks before the Sh*t hit the fan, I knew it was coming to a head...and the day it did....was the day he hit rock bottom...he wallowed there for a few days, and then the med's began to kick in, and HE began to come back, and realize that I was the one that had been and would always be there for him, even at his worst...and his worst was bad. With med's and his therapist, and cutting numerous people out of his life that were ripping us apart, we are working on us, and I don't just have my H back, i have a BETTER version of him back. 
Part of depression is them not realizing they have a problem, and most balk at the idea of getting help until it gets really bad. I was lucky, I had a good mutual friend that was my sounding board through the worst of it; it preserved my sanity. Your H may just have to hit HIS rock bottom...and I so totally feel for you. I've been there, and its such a hard place to be with them.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

One of the reasons we men don't live very long.

How do you elevate someone's stress if it is from work?


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> One of the reasons we men don't live very long.
> 
> How do you elevate someone's stress if it is from work?


Well hugh.....I don't know what to say.

My husband doesn't work so I know his stress doesn't come from work. But I imagine if I have a husband who is working, I might ask him how was work and I would ask him to talk to me about his work or things that stress him at work. 

Maybe they need to tell their spouse how rough their day was. Just talk about it, I think it would help. At least that the only thing we can do.

I am started to think...Maybe I am not listening enough. It just sometimes it's hard to listen when you only hear screaming, yelling, or being insulted.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Can you tell him that you WANT to listen, not offer advice, not trade tit-for-tat, but just listen, and you will as long as he does not raise his voice? The moment he does, the convo is over...simply tell him you can pick up where you left off next time when he can talk to you...not scream, because you have a hard time HEARING what he is really saying when his voice is elevated? 

The hard part is, to listen and take yourself out of the equation. If you can do it, at least in my experience, it's well worth it. My H has let me catch a glimpse of what its like to be in his head when he's depressed, and honestly, I learned that it was a very HARD place to live.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Can you tell him that you WANT to listen, not offer advice, not trade tit-for-tat, but just listen, and you will as long as he does not raise his voice? The moment he does, the convo is over...simply tell him you can pick up where you left off next time when he can talk to you...not scream, because you have a hard time HEARING what he is really saying when his voice is elevated?
> 
> The hard part is, to listen and take yourself out of the equation. If you can do it, at least in my experience, it's well worth it. My H has let me catch a glimpse of what its like to be in his head when he's depressed, and honestly, I learned that it was a very HARD place to live.


I did try to put my self on his shoes and I know how hard his life is. That's why I never ask him to do something for me that I know he is not capable of. Actually it's fun talking to him when he is in a good mood. the problem is it's rare to find him in good mood. 

I did tell him that I just want to listen but when I was listening to him (without making sound), he accused me for ignoring him. It confuses me so many times. I told him that I listen (in fact I made eyes contact with him when he talked) but he didn't believe me. When I tried to say something (just to give him a feedback), he got mad after that. I guess because I am not smart when it comes to give a feed back. I just don't know what to say sometimes. 

Most of time, it hurts so bad just by talking with him.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

fey...not to be tough on you, but why do woman put up with men that can't talk properly? Screaming will never help anyone. Maybe he needs to know what is going on in your head... i can't see any way other than the 2 of you need a good talk about your marriage and he needs to understand he potentially will lose you if he doesn't start taking control of his situation. "being there" could just be to reassure him that you are there to help him with anything he needs help with, talking, doing something, etc. Sometimes men need to get a proper knock to really start doing something. It could also just be an excuse for him to abuse you the way he does. That is a typical thing done by insecure men.

Bottom line is it is in his own hands. 

My humble tip:

Tell him that you want to talk to him and he needs to LISTEN, not talk, LISTEN. Then you tell him exactly what you feel and then he can respond. You should however guard not to have too much emotion involved when you discuss this with him to ensure it is as precise and to the point as can be. Then he needs to make a call as to how important you are to him and whether he WANTS to do something about it.


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## hubbys baby (May 26, 2009)

Thanks so much for all of your advice. Im in hopes that his meds are kicking in a little at a time. 

He seems to be a little better...but im sure that will still take a little time.

Im glad to know that im not the only one out there that is or has gone through this.

Sometimes I have felt so helpless...I know that he will get better soon and I will have my hubby back...


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## tarasmythe (Jul 16, 2009)

Does your husband have any health problems? A dear friend of mine's husband was the very same way; she thought he was being lazy or mean, but it turned out he had a bulging disc in his neck and was hurting all the time. He's on a good pain medication and an anti-depressant, and his moods have stabilized. My friend even found some gentle massage techniques she could do easily on his shoulders while they watched TV, and it's helped them both feel better.

I seem to have answers to everyone's problems but my own! But I'm working on that, too. I'm glad to have found this site--I think we've all felt alone with our problems, and it's nice to know that we're not alone, and that someone understands what we're going through.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Conflicted said:


> fey...not to be tough on you, but why do woman put up with men that can't talk properly? Screaming will never help anyone. Maybe he needs to know what is going on in your head... i can't see any way other than the 2 of you need a good talk about your marriage and he needs to understand he potentially will lose you if he doesn't start taking control of his situation. "being there" could just be to reassure him that you are there to help him with anything he needs help with, talking, doing something, etc. Sometimes men need to get a proper knock to really start doing something. It could also just be an excuse for him to abuse you the way he does. That is a typical thing done by insecure men.
> 
> Bottom line is it is in his own hands.
> 
> ...


Hi conflicted....

Thank you so much for your advice.  I really need it right now.  I don't know how many times I tried to talk to him but unfortunately he doesn't want to listen. If I told him that I need to talk he would say that I just tried to make problem with him.  If I asked him to listen he would say that he doesn't want to listen because he has his own problems and that I better talk to psychiatric about my problem. 

_fey...not to be tough on you, but why do woman put up with men that can't talk properly? _

Well...I asked myself the same question over and over and I don't know the answer. I guess because I care about him. Loosing him is hard for me but be with him is even harder.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

hubbys baby said:


> Thanks so much for all of your advice. Im in hopes that his meds are kicking in a little at a time.
> 
> He seems to be a little better...but im sure that will still take a little time.
> 
> ...


Well hubbys baby...You are not alone. I thought the same like you did. I thought I was the only one but Apparently I am not. I wish the same...I wish my H will get better soon and I will have him back. 

I hope the meds would help him controlling himself. My H takes some meds too. Even though he said it works well for him but I don't see anything. Maybe because he has been taking it for such a long time. I just hope he would get better so I don't have guilty and fear of him anymore.

I wish you luck...


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## hubbys baby (May 26, 2009)

Thank you all for your posts. Sorry I haven't gotten back in a while. My hubby seems to be doing ok, he still has his moods.(like for the past week)
I feel like crying right now, he said something to me on the phone, that I got mad about and I was stressed anyways,doing multiple things, went outside to smoke and stepped on a metal thingy, all the while talking on the phone to him and I said F*** You....Not saying it directly at him, it just came out. I've tried to explain what happened to him, but now he won't talk to me or take my phone calls, he's very angry with me, cuz he said i lied to him about saying it. I have never said that to him cuz its a mean thing to say. I tried to tell him that I said it when everything was going on at once, but he doesn't believe me. So now (i know its stupid), I am afraid he will leave me for that.
Help...i feel so bad.....


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## therealcabreezy (Aug 26, 2009)

I am in a depression state myself right now..I am deployed (again) and life sucks..But you know what--My wife is awesome--she has been there for me through thick and thin--Your husband needs to man up! I hate to say it! But if he leaves you over that then let it ride. He won't leave you--He might say he will but he needs you there to grovel like you are...You are the only one willing to put up with his Shi%&. Do something about it ! Carpe Diem babe.


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