# Fantasies and masturbation



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

About a year and a half ago, I discovered that my husband of ten years has watched and masturbated to porn the entire time we have been married. The discovery was difficult to deal with, mostly I think because of the secrecy. The situation opened a lot of doors for discussion about some topics that can be uncomfortable to talk about and our sex life has gotten much better because of it. The one issue I still have is that he admits to masturbating to thoughts of other women...a specific hot girl he saw the day before for example. 
For some reason, I am having a really hard time getting comfortable with this. We are both trying to be as open as possible about things so I certainly don't want to take a step back. Any thoughts from you men or women on how to keep this from bothering me?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Fantasy is just that: fantasy. That he's indulging these fantasies solo instead of acting upon them with someone besides you is a good thing.

As long as it's not detracting from your sex life together, and you both have a firm grasp of reality vs. pure fantasy, I don't think you have anything to be worried about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Human males have a biological imperative to spread their seed. When wedlocked, porn is often the relief valve. Nothing to do with infidelity. He was being open about it and should be commended. It was naive of you to think he didn't masturbate during these years. As for other girls he thinks of while rattling the snake, believe me this should be the least of your worries. Do not be alarmed by this. Best regards.

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

married woman said:


> About a year and a half ago, I discovered that my husband of ten years has watched and masturbated to porn the entire time we have been married. The discovery was difficult to deal with, mostly I think because of the secrecy. The situation opened a lot of doors for discussion about some topics that can be uncomfortable to talk about and our sex life has gotten much better because of it. The one issue I still have is that he admits to masturbating to thoughts of other women...a specific hot girl he saw the day before for example.
> For some reason, I am having a really hard time getting comfortable with this. We are both trying to be as open as possible about things so I certainly don't want to take a step back. Any thoughts from you men or women on how to keep this from bothering me?


Do you ever masterbate? what do fantisize about?

variety is the spice of life it sux masterbating to the same fantasy over and over. 

If you don't masterbate very often or not at all this will be difficult for you to grasp.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I admit to being somewhat naive but I did know he masturbated. I didn't know he watched porn to do it or used fantasies of other women when masturbating without porn. I am open to what anyone has to say on this subject. 
I definitely masturbate but do not need the fantasy of having sex with someone else to do so.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Masturbation is normal. Some say watching porn is OK, some don't.

The question is whether his masturbation was detracting from sexual intimacy between the two of you. If it wasn't, then why worry about it?

The next question is why is he masturbating? If we asked him, would he say that his sexual activity with you is sufficient?


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

I assume married woman is actually hurt with the fact that her husband is imagining someone else when masturbating, not the act per se. It is understadable to feel this way. However, if this is not really affecting anything else, like her intimacy with him, then the best course of action would be to let it go by and think no more of it.
Some men fantasize about other women, some don't. I personally imagine mine.
Nevertheless, there will be bigger problems to solve and happier things to look for, so this should not really be an issue to her. Just my opinion.

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I once heard someone try to describe a man's fantasy life by telling a women to take her dirtiest, most explicit fantasy, add whipped cream, and she's halfway there.

As a fairly conservative Christian, I say that if your husband is fantasizing about your neighbor's wife, then there's a problem. If he's fantasizing about a cute girl that was in line at the coffee shop, but he'll probably never see again, then there isn't a problem.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Chris Taylor said:


> Masturbation is normal. Some say watching porn is OK, some don't.
> 
> The question is whether his masturbation was detracting from sexual intimacy between the two of you. If it wasn't, then why worry about it?
> 
> The next question is why is he masturbating? If we asked him, would he say that his sexual activity with you is sufficient?


:iagree:

I've used porn for well over 10 years and I agree with the above statement. If he's not choosing the porn over you then it's not an issue. However if he's using the porn instead of being with you when you are available I see that as a problem.

In my personal situation I would much prefer to have a wife available all the time and not use porn. But she's rarely available and still thinks I shouldn't use porn so I have to hide it. 

I think it's up to you, if you don't want him to use porn then that's fine but you need to be available to him when he wants sexual contact and let him know there's no need for him to use it. 

I've never thought it's okay for a wife to be upset about her husband using porn but at the same time not being sexually available most of the time.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

Its definitely not the act that bothers me it is that he is choosing to fantasize about having sex with someone else besides me in order to ejaculate.
Our sex life is great now after all the communication we have had about wants, likes and needs. Before discovering the porn, we had great sex but not as often as we do now. Then it was probably 2 times a week and now it is at least 4-5 and sometimes more. My husband was not aware that I was open to having it more often than that and did not initiate or approach...he took care of it himself instead of coming to me. He is a pretty passive guy anyway and has gone out of his way to not put pressure on me about sex. Unfortunately, him not approaching me had me thinking he was satisfied with 2 times a week and he wasn't. This made us miss out on 10 years of a better sex life. I am not a mind reader....the main thing we have been working on is communication so we are both on the same page in the bedroom and out.
I encourage any of you men who are watching porn and masturbating without your souse's knowledge to approach your wives and have a conversation about it even if it is hard. I am in totally agreement that if a wife isn't available or interested in taking care of her husband's needs, he is free to take care of them himself. In our case, I was available and he didn't know that because he never asked.


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## fish (Jun 12, 2011)

Is it possible he's indulging in fantasies that he's not getting from you? In other words, maybe he has a fetish of some sort, but he's afraid you won't go for it. 

As long as he's not cheating for real, I wouldn't worry about it. He's a guy. Guys like porn.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I encourage those ladies that have not been approached for more sex but want more to talk to their husbands!

Your guy will drop the solo activity if there is another option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

married woman said:


> Its definitely not the act that bothers me it is that he is choosing to fantasize about having sex with someone else besides me in order to ejaculate.
> Our sex life is great now after all the communication we have had about wants, likes and needs. Before discovering the porn, we had great sex but not as often as we do now. Then it was probably 2 times a week and now it is at least 4-5 and sometimes more. My husband was not aware that I was open to having it more often than that and did not initiate or approach...he took care of it himself instead of coming to me. He is a pretty passive guy anyway and has gone out of his way to not put pressure on me about sex. Unfortunately, him not approaching me had me thinking he was satisfied with 2 times a week and he wasn't. This made us miss out on 10 years of a better sex life. I am not a mind reader....the main thing we have been working on is communication so we are both on the same page in the bedroom and out.
> I encourage any of you men who are watching porn and masturbating without your souse's knowledge to approach your wives and have a conversation about it even if it is hard. I am in totally agreement that if a wife isn't available or interested in taking care of her husband's needs, he is free to take care of them himself. In our case, I was available and he didn't know that because he never asked.


sounds like things are good don't fix whats not broken.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> I encourage those ladies that have not been approached for more sex but want more to talk to their husbands!
> 
> Your guy will drop the solo activity if there is another option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



O'really? Nope.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

Michzz- I did not say I wanted sex more often during that time, I said I was open and available to having sex more often if he had let me know he wanted more (I can't even remember a time when I turned him down). There is a difference. If I wanted it more, I would have initiated or approached. He wanted it more often and did not.


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

The two are you are wired differently by nature and cannot view this issue the same way. You think too much of it and give it significance it does not have, and he does not realize the manner in which your feelings are hurt by his actions.
Men are sometimes looking for something more, something different. It's the drive in us.
Porn doesn't judge.

Can you honestly say you have never ever for once romanced about some other man, a character from a novel or a movie star? That doesn't mean you don't love your husband or something else.
He just accompanies the fantasy with the release of semen, which is normal for men.
Have a great day!

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Prometheus Pyrphoros said:


> The two are you are wired differently by nature and cannot view this issue the same way. You think too much of it and give it significance it does not have, and he does not realize the manner in which your feelings are hurt by his actions.
> Men are sometimes looking for something more, something different. It's the drive in us.
> Porn doesn't judge.
> 
> ...


My point was that it is a ridiculous myth that you could have all the sex with a man and he still wouldn't fantacize about others.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

married woman said:


> Michzz- I did not say I wanted sex more often during that time, I said I was open and available to having sex more often if he had let me know he wanted more (I can't even remember a time when I turned him down). There is a difference. If I wanted it more, I would have initiated or approached. He wanted it more often and did not.


So he knew it would merely be "letting him" have some and doesn't get excited about the chore aspect of it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> O'really? Nope.


Yeah, true, if a person's satisfied, they're satisfied. 

If, as I wrote earlier, there is a chore aspect to the intimacy, some people (myself included) find that a huge turn off.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> Yeah, true, if a person's satisfied, they're satisfied.
> 
> If, as I wrote earlier, there is a chore aspect to the intimacy, some people (myself included) find that a huge turn off.


Or, sometimes you just want a "snack," as opposed to a full "meal." Throughout my life, even with a fully satisfactory sex life, I've continued to masturbate. Likewise, despite having full meals, I will occasionally munch on some chips, cookies, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> Yeah, true, if a person's satisfied, they're satisfied.
> 
> If, as I wrote earlier, there is a chore aspect to the intimacy, some people (myself included) find that a huge turn off.


Oh come on. Even if it was 100%, there would still be guys who wanted more.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh come on. Even if it was 100%, there would still be guys who wanted more.


Are you telling me that if a lady felt their guy was just doing it because she wanted it, that the chore aspect wouldn't get to her?

I'm convinced that both genders take care of their own libido at some level despite having relations. Your mileage may vary on frequency.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> Are you telling me that if a lady felt their guy was just doing it because she wanted it, that the chore aspect wouldn't get to her?
> 
> I'm convinced that both genders take care of their own libido at some level despite having relations. Your mileage may vary on frequency.


Ahem, I wouldn't engage in pity sex.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Ahem, I wouldn't engage in pity sex.


EXACTLY my point. It would be alone time or nada.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> EXACTLY my point. It would be alone time or nada.


What you were saying is that a person who is 100% satisfied wouldn't need another outlet. My point was that simply isn't true for most men.


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What you were saying is that a person who is 100% satisfied wouldn't need another outlet. My point was that simply isn't true for *most men*.


I concur. Because of the bold segment above, this should be considered a non-issue.

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What you were saying is that a person who is 100% satisfied wouldn't need another outlet. My point was that simply isn't true for most men.


Now don't get all legalistic about my comment.

The context is the choice between relations between two interested parties or a solo activity.

If the choice is between chore sex and solo activity, solo wins.

And I didn't use the term *100%*, you did.

I also stated that I think both genders still self satisfy regardless. It's just that the pattern of frequency changes dramatically if satisfied.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I fantasize about all of YOU masturbating, so there.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I fantasize about all of YOU masturbating, so there.


:rofl::rofl:


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Whether, or not the wife is available for sex in the marriage the husband does not HAVE to masturbate. A man will likely need to relieve sexual tension, but he does not HAVE to fantasize using porn.

Some men simply hold off until they can be with their wife next. Seldom do I masturbate apart from being with my wife, but OFTEN I woo, try to turn on, and build my wife up to the point where she wants sex. Sometimes she is the one to initiate and unless I have some serious stress or emotional issues (yes, men sometimes have emotional issues) I am ready to drop everything for a fun romp. We talk about sex and if she is not ready, she will give me a hand-job or let me do it. The thing is that we both agree to it, feel good about it, and we are together when it happens.

I admit, porn instantly makes me horny, but I find it trivial, contrived, and just a product, not the real deal. Sure the people may be enjoying themselves and the women in the mags may be exhibitionists, but they have nothing to do with me. I am only an end-consumer and they are just sex objects. That turns me off. I feel used and manipulated by the producers of the porn. I have a visual sex button and they push that button and make TONS of money, from other men. I refuse to be manipulated by crap. If the love scene is artful and not exploitative, I may appreciate it, but not porn. 

Also, I do think that it is an issue if the husband is fantasizing about other women. It is a set up for looking for sex outside of the marriage. The mind is powerful people, and the subconscious will accept the idea of having sex with another woman, more and more as time goes by.

I am not trying to shame any one who likes porn or who visualizes about other women. But, this is how I feel about the issue. Also, the wife is entitled to feel betrayed by the fantasies of her husband, especially if he is hiding them from her.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

The porn would be a big problem to me. I see porn as exploitative of women, and like cheating. The woman on the screen is a real person. Moreover studies show that men who use porn have less empathy for women, view their wives differently, and often become dissatisfied wit their sex lives. Porn can be very armful and addictive as well.

The masturbating over some other girl I see as an issue too. In a marriage I believe the two people should be focusing on their intimate relationship and sex life. Adding other people does nothing to help create a better bond. There are endless fantasies you can indulge in with your husband, they don't have to involve other men and women.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Just an aside on porn.....

The funny thing about porn is that the women who are in the porn are not really having an O when they are crying out over and over (for 25 minutes). These women are not really enjoying it. Most women watching this know this because the way these porn stars are being handled and screwed often is not in a way that would make a woman aroused or able to orgasm. They are faking it. Kind of makes it not so appealing knowing this, but maybe guys don't care!

I am not against porn per se, I just think there is this big myth that the women on film are really getting off. 9 times out of 10 they are not.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> Just an aside on porn.....
> 
> The funny thing about porn is that the women who are in the porn are not really having an O when they are crying out over and over (for 25 minutes). These women are not really enjoying it. Most women watching this know this because the way these porn stars are being handled and screwed often is not in a way that would make a woman aroused or able to orgasm. They are faking it. Kind of makes it not so appealing knowing this, but maybe guys don't care!
> 
> I am not against porn per se, I just think there is this big myth that the women on film are really getting off. 9 times out of 10 they are not.


Of course, positions that work for mutual pleasure aren't always conducive to effective camera angles.

By the same token, I'm also aware that the Bellagio, MGM Grand and Mirage hotels aren't positioned to allow sharing a single underground vault, Alyson Hannigan does not have magic powers, and Christopher Reeve couldn't fly. That doesn't mean I enjoyed Ocean's Eleven, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Superman any less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

I watch porn all the time, my wife knows I do and does not seemed bothered by it. But on the same note. If my wife were to make me a porno of, say, her masturbating for me I would swear off all other porn FOREVER. It would be far more exciting for me if she made a video just for me say, 4 times a year. That would cure me of strange porn forever, period!


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

Syrum said:


> The porn would be a big problem to me. I see porn as exploitative of women, and like cheating. The woman on the screen is a real person. Moreover studies show that men who use porn have less empathy for women, view their wives differently, and often become dissatisfied wit their sex lives. Porn can be very armful and addictive as well.
> 
> The masturbating over some other girl I see as an issue too. In a marriage I believe the two people should be focusing on their intimate relationship and sex life. Adding other people does nothing to help create a better bond. There are endless fantasies you can indulge in with your husband, they don't have to involve other men and women.


A couple things here. First, how do you feel about gay porn? Not too many women being exploited there and it's a booming business. Before you actually answer, the point is whoever is in the porn film is being exploited, but they are being compensated for it as well. Men, women, dogs (just kidding Rusty). Why is it because Bambi decides to do a porn flick and make $10K that that is demeaning to all women? It's demeaning to Bambi and she makes a fool out of herself for doing it, but that's a deal with the devil she cut for $10k. The fact that Bambi did the porno doesn't change my opinion about you or any other woman on this planet not named Bambi. OK, soapbox dismount 

You see masturbating over some other girl as an issue? I respect your opinion on it but I'm afraid most men would be guilty of this. It's how men are wired; they've been built to seek out opportunities to reproduce. Seeing a pretty girl by design gets the blood flowing south. I'm sure there are actors that you find attractive, or "hot", no? Now, your body may not respond to their hotness the way a male's responds to a woman's hotness, but that doesn't mean those little neurons aren't firing and the bio-chemical responses don't start reacting. What's important is he keeps this kink in the fantasy stage. As long as neither is stepping out on the other then they have a healthy gauge and check on their fantasy lives.

I don't cheat on my wife, never have and never would. But that doesn't mean my body can deny what occurs naturally. Likewise, it something turns her on then guess what, that's great! If she sees a scene in a movie and it turns her on then am I jealous? Heck no, I'm all over her trying to satisy those neurons.

Why do we, or should we all go through life with blinders on denying that there are great looking people of both sexes out there, denying that there are situations/scenarios that we might find arousing all for this myopic view that "we should only concentrate on each other"? I'd much prefer we're all just honest with each other and communicate effectively with each other. When couples can be completely honest with each other is when they cease being a couple and become one; and those partners, while finding attractions and beauty all over, would never need, think, or be tempted to go outside of their marriage. Respectfully, I think you're putting up barriers. By your response you're telling your husband that if he finds Jane down the street attractive that 1. he should never let you know because you'll look down on him for it, 2. if he was truly in love with you and you were truly all he needs then he wouldn't even notice Jane, and 3. if, heaven forbid, the picture he stamped in his mind of her walking out to her car the other morning wearing that low-cut summer dress pops into his mind while he's showering then he's some sort of cheating, sicko, neanderthal who desperately needs counseling. Does that sound like a healthy, honest way to live?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

piqued said:


> A couple things here. First, how do you feel about gay porn? Not too many women being exploited there and it's a booming business.


My gay friend suggested I watch some gay porn as the men's physiques are.. well.. tailored for those attracted to men. 

If I stop and analyze porn, I could take issue with it. Otherwise I have no problem as long as it's not affecting/replacing sex in the relationship (and my H has done this, so it's a bit of a sore point for me at times). There's a part of me that feels old-fashioned, where I think it's a shame that we don't seem to value mystery anymore. Everything is instant gratification for the senses. In saying that, I watch porn when he's away for work for 'educational purposes' and I'd be open to watching it with him as a stimulant too.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

married woman said:


> For some reason, I am having a really hard time getting comfortable with this. We are both trying to be as open as possible about things so I certainly don't want to take a step back. Any thoughts from you men or women on how to keep this from bothering me?


You can't control his thoughts and what/who he is attracted to. As long as he's not disrespectful towards you (commenting on other women and such), I say let it go. It's not easy but you need to.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> My gay friend suggested I watch some gay porn as the men's physiques are.. well.. tailored for those attracted to men.
> 
> If I stop and analyze porn, I could take issue with it. Otherwise I have no problem as long as it's not affecting/replacing sex in the relationship (and my H has done this, so it's a bit of a sore point for me at times). There's a part of me that feels old-fashioned, where I think it's a shame that we don't seem to value mystery anymore. Everything is instant gratification for the senses. In saying that, I watch porn when he's away for work for 'educational purposes' and I'd be open to watching it with him as a stimulant too.


I can take or leave porn. It IS a problem when, like you said, it becomes an impediment to sex between partners. Most porn is so stupid I'm not really sure how anyone gets turned on by it. I agree with you again that not enough is left to the imagination anymore. But, some porn, sex scenes, or literature can - when done properly - be downright arousing. And, if it's not interfering and prohibiting sex within a relationship then I don't see the need to rebel against it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

piqued said:


> A couple things here. First, how do you feel about gay porn? Not too many women being exploited there and it's a booming business. Before you actually answer, the point is whoever is in the porn film is being exploited, but they are being compensated for it as well. Men, women, dogs (just kidding Rusty). Why is it because Bambi decides to do a porn flick and make $10K that that is demeaning to all women? It's demeaning to Bambi and she makes a fool out of herself for doing it, but that's a deal with the devil she cut for $10k. The fact that Bambi did the porno doesn't change my opinion about you or any other woman on this planet not named Bambi. OK, soapbox dismount


A couple of things here Women are exploited in porn, the average woman in porn is about 20 years old. Young poeples brains are not fully developed untill well into their 20's. They take more risks because a lot of the time they don't see nor have the ability to understand the consequences like mature adults. 

When men watch endless women in porn having their bodies used like that over and over in more degrading ways each year then they are using women and taking advantage of women who have been exploited.

Studies show women in porn are more likely then other women to have been sexually abused as children, they are also more likely to come from poverty and have little education. Many of these women have few life choices, and thus using them in the industry like that is liking kicking someone when they are down. Taking advantage of someone just because you can and you think they need the money doesn't make it OK.

These women are also very likely to have substance abuse problems.

Many women are forced into the industry or abused coerced and raped in the industry.

Also there are women in the industry who the victims of sex trafiking, so they are sex slaves. When watching porn or utilizing the sex industry you are very likeley to have used a woman who is a sex slave.

Women aren't very likely to make 10k from porn.


> You see masturbating over some other girl as an issue? I respect your opinion on it but I'm afraid most men would be guilty of this. It's how men are wired; they've been built to seek out opportunities to reproduce. Seeing a pretty girl by design gets the blood flowing south. I'm sure there are actors that you find attractive, or "hot", no? Now, your body may not respond to their hotness the way a male's responds to a woman's hotness, but that doesn't mean those little neurons aren't firing and the bio-chemical responses don't start reacting. What's important is he keeps this kink in the fantasy stage. As long as neither is stepping out on the other then they have a healthy gauge and check on their fantasy lives.


Women are also apparently biologically driven to seek out the strongest men who are the best providers. Does this mean they should chase them down and dump their boyfriends when a better one comes along biologically speaking or does free choice come into it?

I in my last marriage lost attraction for my spouse and used to masturbate a lot and fantasize about other men to get aroused. I enjoyed it and it's easy for my mind to wander, however I do know that it is harmful to relationships and that we all have a choice in that. It didn't make me more attracted to my ex husband, in fact the opposite, and it didn't bring me closer to him. Now I make the choice to make my fantasy about my fiance and include him in all my fantasies and masturbation, I also let him know what he can do to help maintain attraction and he lets me know what turns him on. We both focus on each other and as a result i think we have a very open sexual relationship, where I feel closer to him then any one ever.



> I don't cheat on my wife, never have and never would. But that doesn't mean my body can deny what occurs naturally. Likewise, it something turns her on then guess what, that's great! If she sees a scene in a movie and it turns her on then am I jealous? Heck no, I'm all over her trying to satisy those neurons.


I would rather be turned on by my fiance and I would rather be the one to turn him. I would feel insulted that he needed other people to turn him on.



> Why do we, or should we all go through life with blinders on denying that there are great looking people of both sexes out there, denying that there are situations/scenarios that we might find arousing all for this myopic view that "we should only concentrate on each other"? I'd much prefer we're all just honest with each other and communicate effectively with each other. When couples can be completely honest with each other is when they cease being a couple and become one; and those partners, while finding attractions and beauty all over, would never need, think, or be tempted to go outside of their marriage. Respectfully, I think you're putting up barriers.


Actually I'm putting up boundaries and do know quite a lot about sex sexuality, choices etc, and I know we can all choose where our minds go.

Studies have shown that men who watch porn etc do find their wives less attractive, take more to get turned on, are more likely to have unrealistic expectations and more critical.

In fact if people really focus on each other put an effort into their sex lives and are not lazily using other third parties to turn them on, that they in fact are more aroused by each other, have more sex, are more connected and are happier.



> By your response you're telling your husband that if he finds Jane down the street attractive that 1. he should never let you know because you'll look down on him for it, 2. if he was truly in love with you and you were truly all he needs then he wouldn't even notice Jane, and 3. if, heaven forbid, the picture he stamped in his mind of her walking out to her car the other morning wearing that low-cut summer dress pops into his mind while he's showering then he's some sort of cheating, sicko, neanderthal who desperately needs counseling. Does that sound like a healthy, honest way to live?


I don't think you should put words into my mouth. An honest way to live is to acknowledge we will find other people attractive but can make the choice not to fantasize about them.

Again I have been attracted to other people and I'm sure I will be again, I am sure he will see attractive women, but he and I both can choose to put them out of our minds and focus on the wonderful person we actually do have to share sex with.

I know he wouldn't like it if I was fantasizing about other men while i was masturbating or having sex with him. And I am happy not to do that.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> You can't control his thoughts and what/who he is attracted to. As long as he's not disrespectful towards you (commenting on other women and such), I say let it go. It's not easy but you need to.


Married Woman,

Heartsbreaking is right. You can't, and you shouldn't want to control his mind and his thoughts. If he respects you and doesn't flaunt his thoughts of other women to you then let it be. If he does, or his tongue hangs out when a pretty girl walks down the street, slap his side and tell him not to disrepect you like that. Otherwise, let his mind be his own so long as the rest of him only visits you


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

Syrum said:


> A couple of things here Women are exploited in porn,
> I'll leave the porn issue alone so as not to hijack Married Woman's thread, but it goes without saying that more likely than not people from disadvantaged or broken backgrounds end up in exploitative careers. See football players for example.
> Women are also apparently biologically driven to seek out the strongest men who are the best providers. Does this mean they should chase them down and dump their boyfriends when a better one comes along biologically speaking or does free choice come into it? Absolutely not. You accused me of putting words in your mouth, but now you are implying I said we should dump partners when a better one comes along?
> 
> ...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Save your typing fingers, piqued. She adamantly refuses to accept any opinions or information about porn or those who make or view it that don't fit with her own firmly rooted point of view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

_"Why do we, or should we all go through life with blinders on denying that there are great looking people of both sexes out there, denying that there are situations/scenarios that we might find arousing all for this myopic view that "we should only concentrate on each other"? I'd much prefer we're all just honest with each other and communicate effectively with each other._

I totally agree with this statement. Honesty however, does involve differences of opinion and sexual standards. The more couples are accepting of the differences, it works to help them have a better sex life. 

Personally, I think fantasy is a tool for many. If one has to exclusively depend on fantasy maybe there is a problem. Perhaps, delving into what sex is like with and without fantasy can be an adventure rather than a moral exploit. I guess to me, couples who have the ability to; honestly share their fantasies with each other, give each other the freedom to masturbate without or without their partner or even more exciting - in front of each other, the willingness to play and spice it up, watch porn or not together, tell the truth about what feels great and what doesn't, what is a disappointment and what is a thrill - those couples have the ability to tear down walls and frustrations in their sex life.

In the end, the greatest sex I have ever had is with my partner who is my best friend. I love the freedom of this intimacy. I love the honesty. And I love giving myself over to something better than expectation - vulnerable exploration.


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## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

I am sure you thought you where open but where you? statements like, i am tired and i am going to bed, or just going to bed without telling him, or knowing he wanted sex tonight and staying up just to avoid it or at least thats what it looks like. point is dont worry about what he is thinking or doing just as long as he is not cheating and taking care of the both of you. I heard a quote one time that went like this. 95% of the men in the world Masturbate and the other 5% lie about it. point being 100% of men do it.


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## TheBob (Jun 27, 2011)

Hi all, My wife looked through my laptop once and asked "where's the porn? but i said "in my head". Then we had a discussion, but i could see that she wasn't happy about it.
I told her the truth, that i don't take being rejected sex, very well, so i masturbate more than usual.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

guys are visual animals they need fantasy to keep the pump primed so to speak. It doesn't mean he wants another woman it just means he needs to see visual things in his mind to keep him in gear. Testosterone does that to us. As long as he is not acting on that fantasy it means he loves you and really doesn't want someone else. He really can't help it. Those thoughts are going to pop into his head no matter how hard he tries to stop them. 

He probably doesn't visualize doing anything with her as much as seeing it from a 3rd person perspective. With me its not the person but the act that stimulates.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm not sure I understand what the issue is exactly.

Does your wife have problems with your fantasizing (and if you don't divulge your fantasies and keep them to yourself, how could she), or are you masturbating all the time and not sexually satisfying your wife?


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I think there is a real fine line between a man or woman masturbating about people when they are married. Mostly, because the thoughts of another arouse and reinforce the (behavior) masturbating. If one constantly masturbates to thoughts of others instead of their spouse, they are actually stealing from their spouse. When all of us took our vows to our spouses that included to be mentally faithful as well as physically faithful. I know, I know no one is perfect, especially me, but even mental sex with another takes away from the purity of the marriage bed.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> Whether, or not the wife is available for sex in the marriage the husband does not HAVE to masturbate. A man will likely need to relieve sexual tension, but he does not HAVE to fantasize using porn.
> 
> Some men simply hold off until they can be with their wife next. Seldom do I masturbate apart from being with my wife, but OFTEN I woo, try to turn on, and build my wife up to the point where she wants sex. Sometimes she is the one to initiate and unless I have some serious stress or emotional issues (yes, men sometimes have emotional issues) I am ready to drop everything for a fun romp. We talk about sex and if she is not ready, she will give me a hand-job or let me do it. The thing is that we both agree to it, feel good about it, and we are together when it happens.
> 
> I admit, porn instantly makes me horny, but I find it trivial, contrived, and just a product, not the real deal. Sure the people may be enjoying themselves and the women in the mags may be exhibitionists, but they have nothing to do with me. I am only an end-consumer and they are just sex objects. That turns me off. I feel used and manipulated by the producers of the porn. I have a visual sex button and they push that button and make TONS of money, from other men. I refuse to be manipulated by crap. If the love scene is artful and not exploitative, I may appreciate it, but not porn.


Yep.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I think this is a concern to me because I know that if while masturbating, I was having fantisies about other men that I know, work with, see on the streets, ect it would mean I wasn't sexually fulfilled by my spouse. In the past, I have never fantasized about others when I am in a relationship...it just felt wrong. Maybe men and women look at this differently but it's difficult for me to understand why it wouldn't feel wrong to my spouse.
The thought of him jerking off in the shower while thinking about having sex with a hot girl he works with, literally makes me ill. I am not sure how that could in anyway be positive to our sexual relationship and marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

married woman said:


> I think this is a concern to me because I know that if while masturbating, I was having fantisies about other men that I know, work with, see on the streets, ect it would mean I wasn't sexually fulfilled by my spouse. In the past, I have never fantasized about others when I am in a relationship...it just felt wrong. Maybe men and women look at this differently but it's difficult for me to understand why it wouldn't feel wrong to my spouse.
> The thought of him jerking off in the shower while thinking about having sex with a hot girl he works with, literally makes me ill. I am not sure how that could in anyway be positive to our sexual relationship and marriage.


I'm here to tell you Men and women think about this differently.


I once heard a comedian say.... as men are walking down the street and something catches there eye the first thing they think is Can I f--- it NO can I eat it No then piss on it.


definatly true when I was a young horndog.
and still a little true now that I'm an older horndog.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think it is unrealistic to think that your spouse will only fantasize about you. In a long term relationship, at some point fantasies can play a part in keeping things fresh. Just because someone fantasizes about something does not mean they would want it in real life. For example, some guys get turned on thinking about their wife with another man, but they would never really want to share her in real life.

I think what is important is maintaining a connection to your spouse and keeping things fresh and exciting with them.

Admittedly, I would not want to know if my husband was fantasizing about someone specific, (who it was and what he wanted to do) but I also do not expect him to never fantasize about anyone other than me. I just consider what he thinks about when he masturbates as private.


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