# Is It Me or Him?



## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

Im new to this forum and Im hoping I can get some input. Hubby and I have been married 21 yrs. The last 8 there has been no intimacy. No sex whatsoever. Except for once and I felt like he was doing it out of just trying to make me happy. Im now become a very grumpy, irritable person and every so often it gets to me to the point I blow and I end up screaming at him. Which I know doesn't help. 

He's a good man otherwise, works, helps around the house, and is a very good dad to our special needs child. I honestly dont know what happened. When he was in the mood I never turned him down. But now its like he has no interest in sex whatsoever and Im starting to feel very down on myself and very lonely. We've had many conversations.

Two years ago he was chatting online with another mother whose child has the same disorder as our childs, and he said she had no support system. Ironically our daughter started to have alot of medical issues that left her constantly in pain and discomfort and being non verbal meant she constantly cried and screamed. Some days I had to deal with it for ten hours or more until he got home and I could get a break. I told him the irony of that is that I was NEEDING support and was all alone because he was spending time with her online chatting. I also discovered the conversations seemed a little too friendly with each other having nicknames. He stopped because I requested. He also told me when he turned 50 he got the idea in his head that he was too old for sex. 

The bottom line is that we are now 8 yrs into just being room mates. I blew up at him again last night and told him that I was sick of living like this feeling constantly unloved and undesired by him. He says nothing. I said I wanted a divorce, and then he agrees. Even though he'll also say he wants to fix it. So I dont know if he's sincere about wanting to fix it, or not. 

I feel like a freak. I feel like Im the only woman on earth whose husband looks at her like a worn out old shoe. I told him I feel like Im the only woman who looks forward to her mammogram each year because its the only time I get felt up. Seriously if I knew it was going to be like this I would have just stayed single. Im not a nympo or anything, but it would be nice to be desired and all at least once or twice a year. Once in eight years isn't cutting it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Wait, so he only says he is willing to work on things when you threaten divorce, but then everything goes back to status quo when you back down?

Honestly, sounds like he may have checked out. He may or may not be having an affair and is probably hoping for you to follow through on a divorce so he doesn't look like the bad guy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BelleCat said:


> Im new to this forum and Im hoping I can get some input. Hubby and I have been married 21 yrs. The last 8 there has been no intimacy. No sex whatsoever. Except for once and I felt like he was doing it out of just trying to make me happy. Im now become a very grumpy, irritable person and every so often it gets to me to the point I blow and I end up screaming at him. Which I know doesn't help.
> 
> He's a good man otherwise, works, helps around the house, and is a very good dad to our special needs child. I honestly dont know what happened. When he was in the mood I never turned him down. But now its like he has no interest in sex whatsoever and Im starting to feel very down on myself and very lonely. We've had many conversations.
> 
> ...


It is not you. I am sorry you are going though this. 

Frankly you waited too long to address this and divorce is about your only option. If he is not having an affair any more, that is what he was doing BTW, then he has other issues.

Whatever they are, you two don't seem to be able to talk at all. So you might as well call it. 

Some men and women think like this, I don't know why. But 8 years is about 7 years 11 months too long to try and fix this. 

I am 54, my GF is 60, and we have sex DAILY if we are together. Usually multiple times. 

You can TRY and fix it but frankly at this point, it sounds too late...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BelleCat said:


> I feel like a freak. I feel like Im the only woman on earth whose husband looks at her like a worn out old shoe. I told him I feel like Im the only woman who looks forward to her mammogram each year because its the only time I get felt up. Seriously if I knew it was going to be like this I would have just stayed single. Im not a nympo or anything, but it would be nice to be desired and all at least once or twice a year. Once in eight years isn't cutting it.


You are not the only woman in the world whose husband does not want sex with her. It's actually fairly common. We are fed a line all our lives that men just want sex, all the time. So when our husband does not want to have sex, we tend to blame ourselves. But the truth is that just as many men choose to make their marriage sexless as women do.

I had the same thing happen in my marriage. In the end I divorced him. Like your husband, he gave lip service to doing something about it. But clearly it was not a priority. 

Here is a thread on the topic that is a good place for you to start. It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages to get info on resources: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

There are a few different reasons that might have lead to your husband losing interest in sex. So lets explore a few of these.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Sometimes when a man loses interest in sex, this is the cause. If he has not done this, then ask him to go see a doctor. If he refuses, you know that he has no interest in addressing the issue or that he knows that this is not the problem because he's interested in sex, just no sex with you.

Now if a man has normal, healthy t-levels, why would he not want sex with his wife? The thread I posted above has resources that explore this.

The most common reason is that he's using withholding sex as a passive aggressive way to punish his wife for real or imagined transgressions. The relationship itself it not working for him. But he is not going to address it head on and actually talk about it and fix the marriage. Instead he's just punishing his wife.

On top of that, he could be cheating or developed a sex addition.

Is there any evidence that he's cheating? It does sound like he had something of an online emotional affair at one time. 

How much time does he spend away from your home when he's not at work?

Is he using a lot of porn? Does he spend a lot of time online and/or on his cell phone?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It wasn't clear to me, did he always have a low interest in sex, or did it change. 

Is he on any medications - in particular anti-depressants can completely kill someone's sex drive. 

Does he have any physical health issues?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

As others have said, it is not you, it is him.

Could be one of many things. Maybe he has ED and is ashamed. Maybe he is in lousy shape and he knows he can't give you the ride you want. Maybe he is passive-aggressive and punishing you for some perceived slight or shortcoming. Maybe he is stressed about your special needs child and can't relax enough to think about having sex. Maybe it is something else entirely.

But you may never find out which it is if he will not tell you. Before you can resolve the sex issue (and you may not be able to) you would have to resolve the communication issue. The sad news is, even if you get him to admit what is causing his lack of interest in sex, that is only the beginning of the journey. Then you need to get him to agree to work on the issue.

Good luck. This is not easy.


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## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

When he's not at work, he's home with me. He helps out around the house. And I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel like he would just like things to remain the way they are. 

He had his T levels checked and they were fine and a dr told him that it was psychological. 

Sometimes I feel like he no longer loves me. But when I tell him that, he says he still does love me. The last few years Ive had alot of stress thrown at me with our daughter constant crying fits. Where she would scream and cry nonstop for hours. She is also on the Autism spectrum. And he would leave for work. And then at times he would talk about work like it was his life, and I told him I felt like I got cheated out of a "normal" life. He gets to go to work and continue living a different life and then he comes home and has to face "life with a disabled child". But Im the one who deals with everything. and because I had so much stress some days I got to a point I screamed at our daughter because I couldn't take it anymore and get upset with her. Then felt horrible because I know its not her fault. But I was at a breaking point where I would go into a back room and have a good cry or blare the stereo so that I didn't have to listen to her screaming. Then cry even more because all the dr's would tell us "they didn't know what is wrong with her." Even though I knew somethingis causing her pain and discomfort. I had to deal with it all by myself 99% of the time. and my husband said that sometimes he gets a desire for me but then see's this image of yelling at her and it kills it. So now I feel like I have added pressure on me to be "perfect mom" in front of him. 

And that other mom he chatted with he made comments to her about being "such a good dedicated mother to her children" and I told him that no one is perfect. No mother is perfect. And that I felt like he wanted a fantasy wife of some sort

Edited to add: that many times when I brought the subject up he seems to find excuses. Like he was waiting for us to go on break when we could sleep in. But then nothing happens. He does have some ED but it wasn't always like that. and once he said he was afraid he wouldn't please me. And I responded with it wasn't a problem in the past. 
It seemed like it all happened just after I hit medical menapause and sometimes I wonder if he has this weird perception that since Im no longer fertile he thinks sex is disgusting with me


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey BelleCat - through all these years and probably many conversations, do you even have any hints on why he might not be interested in sex or sex with you? Did you ever have a healthy fulfilling sex life with him? What do you think changed?

I will also say - having a special needs child must be very difficult on a marriage. My youngest son has a lot of medical problems boarding on special needs. There are many days where all our energy is focused on him with nothing left to give to each other. There are many days where we are not our best selves to each other as well. In the relative scheme of things we are lucky so I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. My heart goes out to both of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you are a stay at home mom (SAHM) and he's the breadwinner?

How old is your child?

What support system do you have other than your hsuband? Are you with your child 24/7?
So you are a stay at home mom (SAHM) and he's the breadwinner?

How old is your child?

What support system do you have other than your husband? Are you with your child 24/7?

You did not answer the question about porn use. Does your husband spend a lot of time on the computer or his cell phone? Do you know if he's using porn to get off sexually?

What it sounds like to me is that while your husband helps with your daughter, her mental and health issues are a large part of all this. You are over whelmed with taking care of her with what sounds like little to no outside support system. After a day of work, he comes home to a wife who is rightly over whelmed and a child with serious problems and he cannot deal with it. So, he has withdrawn from you as it makes him less vulnerable. This is not unusual in a family dealing with a seriously handicapper child.

What do you do for yourself? Do you go out with family or friends to get a break? Does he take care of your child sometimes so that you can do this? Do you have an exercise routine?

You did not answer the question about porn use. Does your husband spend a lot of time on the computer or his cell phone? Do you know if he's using porn to get off sexually?

What it sounds like to me is that while your husband helps with your daughter, her mental and health issues are a large part of all this. You are over whelmed with taking care of her with what sounds like littel to no outside support system. After a day of work he comes home to a wife who is rightly over whelmed and a child with serious problems adn he cnanot deal.


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## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Hey BelleCat - through all these years and probably many conversations, do you even have any hints on why he might not be interested in sex or sex with you? Did you ever have a healthy fulfilling sex life with him? What do you think changed?
> 
> I will also say - having a special needs child must be very difficult on a marriage. My youngest son has a lot of medical problems boarding on special needs. There are many days where all our energy is focused on him with nothing left to give to each other. There are many days where we are not our best selves to each other as well. In the relative scheme of things we are lucky so I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. My heart goes out to both of you.


Honestly, it seemed like right after I hit medical menapause with me at age 44 and him at 48 that it seemed like it disappeared. Like he doesn't find me appealiing because I can no longer get pregnant. I thought afterwards that sex would probably increase if anything since neither one of us had to worry about birth control. But instead it flopped


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry it has come to this. A very large part to marriage is sex. You have talked to you are blue in the face. Continue on the D trail. See if your H changes his tune.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

BelleCat said:


> Like he doesn't find me appealiing because I can no longer get pregnant.


Did he say that or is that what you are inferring? What has he actually said?

Honestly as others have stated he should get his T checked. Is he reasonably fit/healthy with energy? Are you?


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## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> So you are a stay at home mom (SAHM) and he's the breadwinner?
> 
> How old is your child?
> 
> ...


Sorry, as far as I know no porn use. We have two computers in thehouse that sit side by side. As I have a little side business (desktop publishing) so we are often sitting next to each other. 
The last time he would use the computer after I went to bed was when he was chatting with this other mom. Which he stopped because I asked him to. 
Our daughter is 20 and Im pretty much her full time caregiver but we are working on getting a nurse in the home as she does have a feeding tube and needs to be cathed once in awhile. 
I do get out from time to time and he stays home with her. He's a very good dad that I have to say and doesnt' slack as a father.


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## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Did he say that or is that what you are inferring? What has he actually said?
> 
> Honestly as others have stated he should get his T checked. Is he reasonably fit/healthy with energy? Are you?


No he hasn't said it, just a feeling I get sometimes. 

He did have his T checked. I guess we are both for the most part healthy. Except we both are on high bp meds and he on colestrol. Im overweight and have arthiritis in my spine (horseback riding accident). but I still get up and move as much as possible and try to lose weight. And I know some may say maybe its my weight. But I was a very chunky bride to begin with and it never bothered him before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BelleCat said:


> Sorry, as far as I know no porn use. We have two computers in thehouse that sit side by side. As I have a little side business (desktop publishing) so we are often sitting next to each other.
> 
> The last time he would use the computer after I went to bed was when he was chatting with this other mom. Which he stopped because I asked him to.
> 
> ...


Very often, when a man withholds sex from his wife, he's not stopped sexual activity. He has only stopped it with his wife. Men who do this often become 'addicted' to porn or use prostitutes or cheat or have some other outlet for their sexual energy. I'm not saying that your husband does, only that's it's often what is going on.

Boy, life has thrown you a very unfair curve ball with your daughter's life. What over help is available? Was she ever able to attend any schooling?

How often do you get out to do things away from your daughter?

When was the last time you and your husband went out together, just the two of you, to do something that the two of you enjoy?


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## BelleCat (Oct 2, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Very often, when a man withholds sex from his wife, he's not stopped sexual activity. He has only stopped it with his wife. Men who do this often become 'addicted' to porn or use prostitutes or cheat or have some other outlet for their sexual energy. I'm not saying that your husband does, only that's it's often what is going on.
> 
> Boy, life has thrown you a very unfair curve ball with your daughter's life. What over help is available? Was she ever able to attend any schooling?
> 
> ...


She goes to school during the day. So often when she's in school my hubby and I have gone for breakfast and run errands. Im just trying to understand why this is all happening.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BelleCat said:


> She goes to school during the day. So often when she's in school my hubby and I have gone for breakfast and run errands. Im just trying to understand why this is all happening.


OK, so can you be open. Do you guys just not talk about this? At all? Are you afraid of hurting his feelings? Does he just not talk? 

The theory about you being Post Men, is just crazy if that is the issue. 

But he has to have some explanation and ask him to be COMPLETELY honest and don't let anything hurt your feelings. 

But, look, this is 8 YEARS, why are you thinking about ending it now? Why not 7 years ago?

Would he go to sex therapy of any kind? 

At this point, you have to end it or make some radical changes in your life somehow, like actually having a real conversation with your H. 

You would not be the first woman to divorce because of lack of sex...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I guess I'll be the one to say it, even though it isn't nice. It simply sounds like he likes you as a person but isn't attracted to you at all, hence the lack of sex despite doing other activities together. He may have been attracted to you at the beginning and things then may not bother him the way the same things could now. Open and honest communication is really what is needed to see what the problem is and whether the problem is fixable or not.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BelleCat said:


> When he's not at work, he's home with me. He helps out around the house. And I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel like he would just like things to remain the way they are.
> 
> He had his T levels checked and they were fine and a dr told him that it was psychological.
> 
> Sometimes I feel like he no longer loves me. But when I tell him that, he says he still does love me. The last few years Ive had alot of stress thrown at me with our daughter constant crying fits. Where she would scream and cry nonstop for hours. She is also on the Autism spectrum. And he would leave for work. And then at times he would talk about work like it was his life, and I told him I felt like I got cheated out of a "normal" life. He gets to go to work and continue living a different life and then he comes home and has to face "life with a disabled child".


I wonder if on an unconscious level he associates YOU with "bad times" because it's work without you, or you and all that stress and frustration and disappointment that comes with a special needs child. Are the two of you able to get out and about as a couple without the child and just have some fun? Maybe that would be a better use of your time together than him helping out around the house and lumping being with you into drudgery in his mind.

I definitely don't think you are the problem and I do know plenty of other women whose husbands just stopped wanting sex one day, and they were terribly hurt and frustrated but it never got better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I saw a documentary that demonstrated common problems in marriages. One was a couple with a disabled child. The husband ending up having an affair with someone that had a strong background in providing healthcare. When asked why he did it, he claimed he was trying to bring someone into his life that could offer more hope and support for caring for his child.

Now that is without a doubt a messed up thing to do, but it demonstrates similarly your husband's interest for chatting with someone to help provide support and perhaps why you were bothered with it.

Aside from that, if he has not given you any affection intimately in eight years... he is not caring for you. Perhaps give him an opportunity to try, but set a limit for yourself to see improvements and if not move on. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Did I hear you say it's been EIGHT YEARS???

Eight??

YEARS???? As in 12-month calendar years?

As in 2010 was the last time you had sex??

If I am understanding that correctly, then I don't see the point in discussing a marital sex life any further. That ship sailed in the middle of Obama's first term.

I get that you have some big challenges in your family life and why you have a number of things to consider. 

But as far as an intimate and sex life, my position is if you want to have some human contact and experience intimacy and sexuality again - go forth and find it. Live life. Be alive again. 

Do whatever you want. If he makes a good roommate and coparent - fine, keep him around for that if you want. But he hasn't touched you since the iPhone 4 came out. It doesn't matter what you do with your sexuality. He waived that right after Super Bowl XLIV.

Divorce him if you want and find someone else.

Or find someone else and don't divorce if you don't want the hassle, I don't care. 

Countless men are perfectly ok with being a married woman's FWB..... Many prefer it that way actually. 

My point is the romantic/Sexual component of your marriage died a long time ago and he is obviously ok with just being roomies and raising your child together and going for groceries together but anything more intimate than that is not on his to-do list. 

My advice is do whatever you want and whatever you think will work best for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BelleCat said:


> She goes to school during the day. So often when she's in school my hubby and I have gone for breakfast and run errands. Im just trying to understand why this is all happening.


It's happening because the passion is gone from your relationship. It can be rebuilt. While eventually it will take both of you to fix this, it can be initiated by one of you. Since you are the one who is here, I supposed you would be the one who might be able to start this.

There are some books that I think would help you. Read them in this order:

*"Divorce Busting"* - in this book, pay special attention to the chapter about the effect of changing the environment and how that causes changes in a relationship.

Then:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. Read these books in this order and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your relationship starts to change for the better (assuming it will) ask your husband to read them with you and the two of you do the work together.

Also, a sexually dead relationship can changed. I've read things written by sex therapists telling about exercises that they have for couples to do to fix this.

If you try this, give it about 6 months and evaluate if you two are making progress and you are feeling good about this, then give it another 6 months. Evaluate you there state of your marriage every 3 to 6 months. I say this because it's so darn easy for complacency to set in, and suddenly years have gone by. You know this, you have been complacent for years now. It's time to wake up and either change things or end the marriage.

Keep in mind that you cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself. And once you change, he will be forced to change. Hopefully he will chose changes that bring the two of you back together in a loving, passionate marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Perhaps give him an opportunity to try, but set a limit for yourself to see improvements and if not move on.


I realize this is going to be common and standard advice. In many lesser situations it is probably sound advice.

However in this instance, I do not think it is wise to at all.

EIGHT YEARS.

He has had eight years of time to try.

The reason I disagree with give. Him a chance to try is what if she lays down the ultimatum and he gives her a hug next Tuesday and then holds her hand in the car for a minute or two on October 28th?

Is that progress?

Then what if he gives her a smooch on the cheek on December 12th? Are they making headway?

What if he actually kisses her on the lips for Valentines and cuddles her in his underwear in bed on April 9th? Should she be seeing the light at the end if the tunnel and getting her hopes up by Memorial Day??

But then what if he relapses by the 4th of July and now she's wasted almost another year and now has to decide whether to try harder or wait another 8 years to see if he's really not going to step up to the plate.

.....and in the mean time she's getting older and so forth.

EIGHT YEARS.

When people want to have sex, they want to have sex now. If they haven't made love to you during a current presidential administration, they aren't going to. 

The day to start the rest of your life is now.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> If they haven't made love to you during a current presidential administration, they aren't going to.


This should be a bumper sticker :grin2:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Did I hear you say it's been EIGHT YEARS???
> 
> Eight??
> 
> ...


Amen brother, amen. 

I just did not have the balls to say it, I am trying to be an upstanding citizen these days. 

But since you did, yes girl, if you want to go find something, 8 years without sex, OMG.

And if you are worried about your weight, you should not be. No offense girls, but a women with some meat on her has certain advantages, if you know what I mean...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There are some books that I think would help you. Read them in this order:
> 
> *"Divorce Busting"* - in this book, pay special attention to the chapter about the effect of changing the environment and how that causes changes in a relationship.
> 
> ...


"It's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead"

- Athol Kay
@BelleCat Ele Girl is one if the wisest and most experienced posters on this entire board. She has been there and done that and seen many things in her time and her words are always sincere and respected by everyone here.

In most cases of couples getting bogged down with child-rearing, bills, house repairs, sick relatives etc, her advice would be on-point. 

However my concern in this situation is it is about 7 years too late.

In reference to reading these books, I must pose this question - how many relationship and marriage-saving books has your husband read??

Has he sought MC for you two?

Has he come to you with his concerns for your relationship and has he brought up the issue of the lack of intimacy in your marriage?

What adult man goes 8 years without sex and doesn't pop a cog???

Now many of us are here because we have had marital and sexual problems.

In my own marriage , our Sexlife took a big slump and a number of WEEKS was going by with no connection and occasional starfish sex thrown in.

She was getting mad at me because I was frequently bringing up and trying to address our issue. I was the one ordering books off amazon. I was the one asking for MC. I was the one hitting the gym, losing weight and buffing up like it was the cure for world hunger and lost puppies.

And ultimately it was I that made the final ultimatum in couseling that either we have an active and healthy marital love life, or we fairly and amicably divide marital assets and child care and we go our separate ways.

This played out over a period of months. Not 8 years.

So I must ask again, what has your husband done in 8 years to address your marital sex life? 

Can both he and you change and is it "possible" that this can be turned around????

Since deep down I am a big softy and a romantic I will answer that yes it is likely "possible."

But how much time, energy and money will it take and what will be the realistic outcome??

How 'good' of a sex life can really be accoished with a man that hasn't touched you in 8 years and how long will it take??

Contrast that with how soon you can be up against someone else and how the sex could be if you wore a low-cut top up to the local tavern tonight.

Yes that is kind a crude and sophomoric comparison, but unfortunately there is also a lot of truth to it.

You can spend months and months of expensive therapy and countless tearful and frustrating hours addressing your marital issues and maybe in a year he may be able to touch and get it up for a few minutes. 

Or you could go to the club tonight in heels and a little black dress or you could put a post on Tinder and you can have your pick by this weekend. 

The world may suck and be unfair. But it is what it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> "It's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead"
> 
> - Athol Kay
> 
> ...


Here is the thing... when a person wants to fix their relationship it can be done. That's the point. I've known couples who did awful things to each other who have been able to work through it all and come out of the mess they created to have a marriage that is stronger than most marriages. I've also known couples that regained their passion and sex life after years of being sexless. It's all about what the two people are willing to do.

That's why I suggest that if the OP wants to try, there is way. But she has to evaluate the progress every few months because there is that requirement that in the end, both people have to really want to recover the marriage. They have to both work at it. And if it does not get to that point with 3-6 months, it's time to move on.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> Here is the thing... when BOTH PEOPLE want to fix their relationship it can be done.


I needed to fix that. One person cannot fix a marriage alone.

No, they cannot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> I needed to fix that. One person cannot fix a marriage alone.
> 
> No, they cannot.


You are right, it takes both people. But I have also seen it that when one person wants to fix things, they can do things that are a catalyst to get the other person to the point of wanting to fix the marriage. I'm not taking about talking a bit of time, not months or years, to put that catalyst in place.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You are right, it takes both people. But I have also seen it that when one person wants to fix things, they can do things that are a catalyst to get the other person to the point of wanting to fix the marriage. I'm not taking about talking a bit of time, not months or years, to put that catalyst in place.


I don't really understand this post. Could there be a typo?

I know that things can change in marriages can change given time. But this has been going on 8 years, and I can understand why the idea of another year or two being just....UGH for the OP. It's a little like finding out you are on the verge of a deadly stroke. You have to jump past diet and exercise and go right to the hospital because it has become so dire.

But I may be reading your post wrong.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I could be wrong, but I'm not seeing a lot of introspection by the OP. And, some of the filters I look through are there because of an exwife.

With those caveats; 

You don't lay in wait for him to get home, and then pounce unloading all the problems, dreck and drudgery of the day?

Your life, outlook and communication is not wholly determined by daytime TV? Are you interesting?

You admit to being overweight. Have you looked in the mirror? What is "overweight?" 10 pounds 100 pounds, more? People who let themselves go. . .it's not healthy and not sexy and there are no excuses, not even a special needs kid. And, sometimes its not the actual weight, but a fat personality--nasty, negative and full-victim.

Not meaning to be harsh, but no real good will come from having a chorus of "poor you" respondents.

Do some soul searching and objective assessment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> That's why I suggest that if the OP wants to try, there is way. But she has to evaluate the progress every few months because there is that requirement that in the end, both people have to really want to recover the marriage. They have to both work at it. And if it does not get to that point with 3-6 months, it's time to move on.


I will concede that this above is the High Road and is the "right" way it should be approached. 

But here's the reality - it's been 8 years and he hasn't shown any initiative.

Yes she could climb mountains and cross deserts and after thousands of dollars if therapy and many months of extraordinary effort, he "might" get around to touching her a little bit and may be able to get it up and may even be able to put it in for 30 seconds. 

The other reality is she could paint her nails bright red, put on a little too much make up and squeeze into that little black dress and she could be having hot, passionate, sweaty, wild, monkey sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with her by sun up tomorrow morning. 

So hot, passionate, monkey sex with minimal effort and investment tonight. 

Or thousands of dollars on months of therapy, heart-wrenching discussion and "maybe" some awkward, frustrating and unsatisfying sex months and months down the road with a 99.9999999% chance of a relapse into celibacy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I will concede that this above is the High Road and is the "right" way it should be approached.
> 
> But here's the reality - it's been 8 years and he hasn't shown any initiative.
> 
> ...


Perhaps there's some middle ground and room for compromise here.

As it's been EIGHT YEARS, there is no room *****footing around or wasting time on any feel-good, snowflake stuff. Something is going to have to be blown up here. 

A compromise could be she paints her nails, puts on too much make up and squeezes into the black dress and if he asks her what she's doing or where's she's going, she can matter-of-factly tells him she wants some c0<k that night and is going out to get some.

If he says, "oh ok, could you pick up some milk and a carton of eggs on your way home,". Then she has her answer and can head on up to the bar and have some fun.

If he protests, she can off that she will stay home provide HE lays the limber to her RIGHT THEN AND THERE THAT NIGHT and that he will have one month to be rocking her world whenever she wants it. 

If he balks at that or limps out and fails to step up to bat, then the little black dress goes back on and she heads up to the bar. 

It's been EIGHT YEARS. Terrorist tactics and blowing shyt up might produce some working results. Reading books, talking to therapists and staying in people's comfort zones and not pushing the envelope will not. 

Staying in the comfort zone and having 3 month probationary and reevaluation periods may at best get her a kiss on the lips at 3months and maybe a boob-grab 3 months after that. It will be just enough to dangle a carrot and keep her holding on longer. 

Bright red nails, stripper heels and a little black dress will get results now.

Maybe not the results that make people feel good or that are comfortable for everyone - but it will make things happen and break the stalemate one way or another.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> It is not you. I am sorry you are going though this.
> 
> Frankly you waited too long to address this and divorce is about your only option. If he is not having an affair any more, that is what he was doing BTW, then he has other issues.
> 
> ...


I always have been told and thought of myself as having had a pretty high sex drive. Every day in my 20's, early 30's.... Late 30's, every 3rd night or so.
40's so far--- about 2-4 times a week is plenty. I'm finding myself wanting sex less and less. And I'm finding being worn out from stress/hard physical work is killing my drive at night. 

So for you to say every day at age 54----- damn, I'm jealous and in awe, bro.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I always have been told and thought of myself as having had a pretty high sex drive. Every day in my 20's, early 30's.... Late 30's, every 3rd night or so.
> 40's so far--- about 2-4 times a week is plenty. I'm finding myself wanting sex less and less. And I'm finding being worn out from stress/hard physical work is killing my drive at night.
> 
> So for you to say every day at age 54----- damn, I'm jealous and in awe, bro.


Thanks, but I focus on priorities. And get your T checked. And don't let the doc say that you are fine for a man your age, you tell him you want to be fine for a 20 YO, or find a new doc. 

Right now it is not every day unless we are able to be together all week. We have logistic issues. We are about 40 min from each other, less depending on traffic. So it may be one or two days apart until one of us is at the others place. 

She will retire at the end of this year, and she will move in so that will be great. And when we are together, it is usually multiple times a day because we had to skip a couple of days.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry Bellecat... It's gotta be his medications or porn or both. As the braggarts are pointing out men don't lose their libido at age 50.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

is it you? it is you....only in the sense you put up with this for this long.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Amen brother, amen.
> 
> I just did not have the balls to say it, I am trying to be an upstanding citizen these days.
> 
> ...


Not true at all, especially if she has let herself go in other ways too. Humans are visual creatures and don't want to have sex with people we aren't attracted to and being fat is a pretty major turnoff for a bunch of people. But, I bet he's getting off somewhere else because I can't imagine a healthy man going without release for that long.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I am always amused when it is the woman's fault that a man is it getting 6. And yet would a woman isn't getting 6… it's still the woman's fault. So transparent


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

BelleCat said:


> Sorry, as far as I know *no porn use*. We have two computers in thehouse that sit side by side. As I have a little side business (desktop publishing) so we are often sitting next to each other.
> The last time he would use the computer after I went to bed was when he was chatting with this other mom. Which he stopped because I asked him to.
> Our daughter is 20 and Im pretty much her full time caregiver but we are working on getting a nurse in the home as she does have a feeding tube and needs to be cathed once in awhile.
> *I do get out from time to time and he stays home with her. He's a very good dad that I have to say and doesnt' slack as a father.*





BelleCat said:


> *No he hasn't said it, just a feeling I get sometimes.
> 
> *He did have his T checked. *I guess we are both for the most part healthy*. Except we both are on high bp meds and he on colestrol. Im overweight and have arthiritis in my spine (horseback riding accident). but I still get up and move as much as possible and try to lose weight. And I know some may say maybe its my weight. But I was a very chunky bride to begin with and it never bothered him before.





BelleCat said:


> *When he's not at work, he's home with me. He helps out around the house*. And I appreciate that. Sometimes I feel like he would just like things to remain the way they are.
> 
> He had his *T levels checked and they were fine and a dr told him that it was psychological.
> 
> ...


Most of that bold text is what he hears. Some of it, he automatically ignores. He's heard it too many times. He knows. He tries. Even you have said it. He gave up eight years ago. Life is hard for both of you. It's harder when it keeps being shoved in your face. You said that he gets a break and you don't, so you tell him. 

What do you want him to do?

Divorce and life after, will probably be hell, but it is an option. 

You can cheat.

You can only fix yourself. 

We know what he is not doing for you.

Looks like you are overwhelmed. 

What are you doing for you? I'm not talking about sex. It won't be worth much till you feel better about everything else. It will just be an aspirin for a headache that never goes away. Sort of. 

Maybe you should start there? And, I'm not telling you to cheat or not to cheat. That's your business. I felt the pain of a BS, but I will simply say, I know you have needs. Our stories are different. I've also felt the pain of no sex, but from another angle. It's not fun for anyone. It's worse for one who wants it and doesn't know why they aren't getting it. It's not knowing why that hurts most. If you knew, you could do something about it, one way or the other. You obviously can't decide, since your life is a horror right now... and it sounds like it always has been for you, since pregnancy or whenever you found out about your daughter. 

Some things to think about there. What are you doing for you?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> Not true at all, especially if she has let herself go in other ways too. Humans are visual creatures and don't want to have sex with people we aren't attracted to and being fat is a pretty major turnoff for a bunch of people. But, I bet he's getting off somewhere else because I can't imagine a healthy man going without release for that long.


You know, I just could not disagree more. If that is how you look at women than that is ok for you. 

I have been with some girls that were over weight, and they were beautiful women. 

And brother, they KNEW how to please a man, every single one of them. A women can be heavy and still be beautiful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BelleCat said:


> Im new to this forum and Im hoping I can get some input. Hubby and I have been married 21 yrs. The last 8 there has been no intimacy. No sex whatsoever. Except for once and I felt like he was doing it out of just trying to make me happy. Im now become a very grumpy, irritable person and every so often it gets to me to the point I blow and I end up screaming at him. Which I know doesn't help.
> 
> He's a good man otherwise, works, helps around the house, and is a very good dad to our special needs child. I honestly dont know what happened. When he was in the mood I never turned him down. But now its like he has no interest in sex whatsoever and Im starting to feel very down on myself and very lonely. We've had many conversations.
> 
> ...


It's him. 

I would worry about that affair. Check your phone bill at the very least. Maybe he is A-sexual or gay. Mab-ye he is exhausted because of your SN child. Have you rejected him repeatedly in the past? What is his porn usage like? Check his computer browser history. Finally and this is controversial but your appearance hasn't change radically in the last 8 years has it. Everyone one ages but some people just give up, some people put on a substantial amount of weight, I could see how that would be a turnoff.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> I am always amused when it is the woman's fault that a man is it getting 6. And yet would a woman isn't getting 6… it's still the woman's fault. So transparent


That's a miscategorization of the problem. She hasn't given much info on her H and very little about herself other than she is fat. It's probably a problem with both of them together, but speculating without additional info is not productive. 



BluesPower said:


> You know, I just could not disagree more. If that is how you look at women than that is ok for you.
> 
> I have been with some girls that were over weight, and they were beautiful women.
> 
> And brother, they KNEW how to please a man, every single one of them. A women can be heavy and still be beautiful.


Some men like fat women, but the majority do not. But to each their own. Each person in a relationship should do their best to stay attractive for their partner. That includes physical fitness, hygiene, style, etc. but many people get complacent in relationships and let themselves go.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> That's a miscategorization of the problem. She hasn't given much info on her H and very little about herself other than she is fat. It's probably a problem with both of them together, but speculating without additional info is not productive.
> 
> 
> 
> Some men like fat women, but the majority do not. But to each their own. Each person in a relationship should do their best to stay attractive for their partner. That includes physical fitness, hygiene, style, etc. but many people get complacent in relationships and let themselves go.


Except that YOU are mischaracterizing her post. She said two things:

1. She has gained 15 or 20 pounds. If I gain 15-20 pounds, hardly anyone would notice as I am tall

2. She was "chunky" when they married. So if he only likes thin women, he already missed that boat


I get your view. But I think you will find that the only men who EXCLUSIVELY care about the scale and the jeans size are the men who need arm candy to reassure themselves they are desirable. Just like the only women who NEED a man to be rich are gold diggers.

This is why it doesn't bother BluesPower. He knows who he is without needing a woman to represent his value.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeah...this guy is SO completely disengaged he's practically in a coma.

You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him reading all these silly self help books because he's made it painfully clear he's not interested in reconnecting in any way. So I highly doubt he'll sit down for any of those books.

The writing is - and *HAS* been - on the wall for the last 8 years.

He stays for financial reasons - not wanting to lose half of his assets and having to start over financially in middle-age. He stays due to simple complacency and inertia. He stays because even though he's no longer in love, you're friends and that's called 'good enough' for him. He stays because he sees himself tethered to you for the rest of his life due to your special needs child who'll always need to be cared for; if he ducked out, he'd look like a complete piece of **** leaving you to care for her 24/7. He stays because there's security in staying - the devil that you DO know is better than the devil that you don't. He stays because he doesn't want to have to fend for himself in his own place when he has you providing all his creature comforts on a daily basis.

There's enough to KEEP him right where he is, but for all the wrong reasons.

I completely suspect he's been in a long term affair for years which has enabled him to continue staying right where he knows he has to stay. Yeah, I'd be willing to bet my house on it. I'm sorry, but I would.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

1. Are you sure about the amount of weight? If so, I missed it being 15-20 lbs. You are completely correct that different sized women carry their weight differently. But 15-20 lbs is still quite noticeable unless one is quite obese. 

2. True. But his tastes could have changed. You see this all the time with women that have gastric bypass that are no longer attracted to their husbands once they lose weight. We are making a bunch of assumptions about him that we have no knowledge of. He could be having an affair, he could be addicted to porn, he could be gay, he could have changed his desires because of something that happened in his life...but, we don't really know. Equally, she could have gained a lot more than 20 lbs, she could treat him poorly at home, she could have hygiene issues, etc. but we just don't know. 

I disagree with your presumption. Weight preference isn't always about being so superficial that a person only wants arm candy, and I never said exclusively cared about weight and nothing else. For example, I'm physically fit and I like thin athletic women because I like a woman that can keep up with me. My GF and I do a lot of athletic activities together that I couldn't do if either of us were fat.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You make good points.

I would say, however, that if a man marries a very "curvy" woman and then changes the rules years and years into the marriage....he isn't being very fair. And the woman who loses tons of weight isn't being fair when she expects the man she MARRIED as he was to suddenly drastically change his appearance either.

If a man who is otherwise happy with his wife is not having sex with her because she put on weight, I would say he is sending the message that he cares exclusively about weight. Just like if a woman stops having sex with her husband just because he takes a pay cut, she must care exclusively about money.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Tjw deleted a duplicated post


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> his tastes could have changed. You see this all the time with women that have gastric bypass that are no longer attracted to their husbands once they lose weight.


I can't quote it exactly, but Dr. House said "....8s don't marry 5s...." This happens because the woman's SMV increases dramatically with the gastric bypass. The underlying truth is that she wasn't attracted to him in the first place. She "settled" because she had a low SMV.

I watched this happen with two of my friends who were married for 20 years. They both were obese when they married, and they both underwent gastric bypass, the man about 4 years before the woman.

The man remained married to her after his bypass. He was a committed christian minister, he would not have gone shopping, even though his market value was much better.

But the woman, about 2 years after her bypass, headed off with a paramour. Even though the man underwent the bypass, he was a "settle", even in the beginning, and she basically "went along" with his christianity.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> I can't quote it exactly, but Dr. House said "....8s don't marry 5s...." This happens because the woman's SMV increases dramatically with the gastric bypass. The underlying truth is that she wasn't attracted to him in the first place. She "settled" because she had a low SMV.
> 
> I watched this happen with two of my friends who were married for 20 years. They both were obese when they married, and they both underwent gastric bypass, the man about 4 years before the woman.
> 
> ...



This is so sad


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