# What Would You Do?



## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Ok, I'll try not to ramble and just summarize the issues...if anyone needs more details to offer some advice, I'll share them.

We married when were were 22; it's been 4 years
***
I had a lot of meaningless sex in college, no real relationships
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He had 2 or 3 girlfriends in college, cheated on them all, not a lot of sex
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We had a lot of issues before getting married that didn't just go away when we did get married
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Last year, I finally moved to another state and decided I'd rather be by myself than dealing with his infidelity
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While separated, we both dated, had sex, and were with other people
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Last month, I went abroad for 2 weeks and decided I was going to move overseas and wanted a divorce so I could live my life freely -it wasn't an ultimatum, more of a "I want to move on and have a healthy life."
***
Throughout the year that we were separated, we remained in contact and he constantly asked me to move back with him; I refused because the main issues of infidelity didn't seem to be resolved
***
Since I've known him, he'd been unwilling to be monogamous (he's say one thing but do another behind my back) and I didn't know just how addicted to sex he was. In his mind, he hadn't "experienced" as much as I had and wanted to "get it out of his system" I guess. 
***
Rather than get a divorce when I brought it up last month, he said he wanted to reconcile, he wouldn't cheat, and that he was ready to be in a committed relationship. I agreed and moved back.
***
Before I came back, not long after he said he'd stop doing all the bull**** he was up to before - my main condition for moving back - I found out he had a threesome after he had already told me he had changed. He's a habitual liar and I was very disappointed and hurt. He apologized and said he regretted what he'd done and was ashamed. Rather than harp on it, I tried to just forgive, but I haven't been able to forget (and rightfully so. I mean, seriously???!?!)
***
Fast forward 2+ weeks and we haven't had any sex or any sexual intimacy. Of course, at first, I was so pissed and disgusted at what he had been doing/done, I told him we both needed to be tested before anything would happen, because god knows what trash he was sleeping with (seriously). I'm more of a "Type A" and he's more of a "Type B." I put out my feelings bluntly and move on, he just kind of takes the back seat. 
***
Basically, he's said he has no sexual drive anymore. I find this ridiculous, because we're only 26/27, and what the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? I also, from experience with his past behavior, wonder what's going to happen when this so-called asexual phase wears off: is he going to cheat again? I've asked as much and he says he just doesn't feel like it. So now I'm left feeling undesirable and like I got the ****ty end of the stick: ok, so you "choose me" and I'm you're soul mate, but....I don't turn you on? You don't find me attractive? Yeah, this a'int gonna work. Sex isn't everything, but it's certainly *something* in a relationship, right?? 
***
After nosing around on this site a bit, I told him again simply: this will not work. I'm not going to screw the lawnboy and I'm not going to forgo sex during the prime of my life. He's basically shut down and won't talk about the issue, so here I am...

Ok, way more wordy than I intended, but there's a lot of water under the bridge, I guess. :scratchhead:

Help?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry, it sounds like your marriage has been very rough so far.

I do think people can change but it takes a lot of work. Here we have a guy who's never been faithful to anyone - in or out of marriage. 

Having not been in your situation and knowing relationships are very complicated - it still seems that you are young and have no children together (??). Seems like a good time of life to cut ties and find someone more monogamous. I imagine your H could go on breaking your heart for many years in the future if you stay with him.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Yes, we both are still young and childless...this past year I dated normally, I guess - as much as one could while still being married. I never hid my separation but found myself thinking: anyone whoever is OK with me being married is obviously not in it for the long haul (who would agree to being a gigolo/male-equivalent to a mistress?) and that's why I ultimately wanted to finally get a divorce and move on.

But now that we've both agreed to trying again, I just think this no sex this is crap. I feel like he associates sex with cheating/shame/perversion or something now, and has just put a band-aid over the whole issue instead of really thinking about how to make this work. 

Anyway, I've never had luck with relationships because for some reason I settle/attract guys that aren't worth my time or effort: in short, I don't wind up with the monogamous/relationship type guys. I guess I almost feel like it's easier to deal with the devil that I know than starting from scratch with the ones I don't. :yawn2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds like he has turned off his sexual self in order to control it entirely. Or, if the test results have come back, he's got something and doesn't want to tell you AND doesn't want to infect you!

Serial cheaters are serial liars. is he doomed to this kind of cheating lying life style...not necessarily. But, to become an honorable person, in touch with and embracing his authentic self, it takes a SH!T TON of work and it doesn't sound like he's actually doing it. Aside from that, he is very young and most serial cheaters have to get beaten up several times before they actually see the light and begin the heavy work required to change.

If you were my daughter, and I have daughters your age, I would nag the crap out of you to leave him and move on. Yes, do the work to discover why you are attracted to men who are not worthy, but move on first.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

move on and be happy you did.

this relationship isn't going anywhere and its not healthy. you know it we know it so stop dragging your heels and rip it off like a band-aid.


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## goodlookingmom (Jun 1, 2013)

Is it possible he discovered that he contracted something during his philandering? And maybe he doesn't want to give it to you...? Just a thought. Probably way off the mark. Sorry about it. But you might want to ask to make sure...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice to you with hesitation or qualification is to divorce him, you have never had a heathy marriage, and there is no fundamental trust and bond there to build a healthy marriage upon.

His cheating is a reflection of his value of the marriage and of you as the person that he married. Simply put, he does not value you. 

And I think deep down you do not value him, because if you did you would have found dating and having sex with these others as horrible and depressing. You'd see it that way because you would realize each time was pushing you farther from the one you loved and valued.

But you didn't have that reaction , and he didn't either. Why? Because neither of you is truly dedicated to the other, neither one of you puts the other above your own wants.

You should never have gotten married to each other. The fundamental commitment to one another just isn't there. And both you have proven that through your choices.

Divorce. You and he will then be free to date and find someone both of you value and will be willing to make the #1 priority in your life - even above you own wants.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You should never have gotten married to each other. *The fundamental commitment to one another just isn't there.* And both you have proven that through your choices.



Bottom line, Inescapable, Unfixable Truth!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You mentioned attracting men that are not in it for the long haul. I did this in my younger life as well. I was attracted to men that cheated and men that were fated to skip out on me.

This only changed through years of therapy and some time alone. I got married at your age and by then I had finally started attracting and being attracted to higher quality men. 

In short it sounds like both of you have changes to make. Is it impossible for you guys to be together - no - but its probably going to take an enormous commitment on both your parts.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

goodlookingmom said:


> Is it possible he discovered that he contracted something during his philandering? And maybe he doesn't want to give it to you...? Just a thought. Probably way off the mark. Sorry about it. But you might want to ask to make sure...


Yeah, that thought crossed my mind, and I did ask more than once. Seeing how I just upended everything and moved back 2 weeks ago, we haven't had a chance to be tested yet, but I haven't noticed anything funky and he says he hasn't experienced anything either, so I don't think that's the case. 

Anon Pink, that's what I surmise has happened as well: he's trying to go cold turkey on sex, period, and it seems stupid. How long is this going to last? Why doesn't he get to the root of the issue? Does he just not find me attractive anymore? 

Shaggy, you're wrong in that I don't value him. I did feel guilty and gross with the people I saw during the year of separation and was never fully invested in any of them since I always had one foot out the door, hoping to reconcile. I was in a remote part of the world for the first time, alone, and life goes on. I knew he was doing whatever the hell over here and I wasn't going to stay the Virgin Mary if I didn't feel like it.

I guess I wasn't explicit in my recap, but yeah, while he was sticking his d!ck in whatever thing that turned him on, he always felt guilty about it as well. While I tried to cut him off so we could really see how it is to be apart and decide if we can live without each other (happily), he kept in contact with me all the time. I thought it was selfish and manipulative and self-serving, but in hindsight, he was still trying to support me from a distance in his own way (emotionally, financially) and also missed me (naturally). Not making excuses for him, but there was some good intentions with his bad actions, to be fair and honest.

Anyway, I had and have been committed from the beginning - probably too much and too easily to the point where he never appreciated me. I honestly want/ed this time around to be a completely honest, try-our-best go at being married and growing together. I know relationships take work, but it's a mutual effort, right? 

This whole "no sex" thing is bullsh!t, however. I'm young and attractive, finding someone to screw would not be hard, but that's not what I'm looking for, obviously: I'm dissatisfied with this lack of intimacy. In the back of my mind I still think: what the hell? I know he has it in him, so why am I stuck with this pre-school level of affection? I don't want to keep pushing the issue because I have the dominant personality, but I've never been one to just stay quiet and beat around a bush...:scratchhead:


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Anyway, I'm more looking for advice about the no-sex part of this situation, and not "is he the right guy for me, should I divorce him?" 

I just got back, I know it's going to be bumpy and take some time to heal, get over things, build trust, etc. but I'm unsure of what to do about not getting any. I don't like things to fester and I don't want this to cause tension and friction. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but maybe I'm overlooking his feelings? I'm not a young guy with fidelity issues so is what he's going through to be expected? 

Has anyone been in a similar situation that for whatever reason? I'd be interested to know how you managed and what became of it all.
Grazie!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tiger Woods ex wife was. 

You can't really put yourself in his shoes because he is behaving like addict. he has a problem controlling his sex drive and impulses. So he has quit cold turkey. Any addiction specialist will tell you, the white knuckle approach to addiction control NEVER works. He will fall off the wagon because he's only holding on by his pinky. When he actually seeks help and admits his behavior is a problem, not just for you but for him and everyone in his life, he MIGHT seek the kind of help that provides lasting change. But until that point it will be more of the same.

Go to the addiction section in the forum. Read the threads there and see the pattern of behavior. You will find your husband there.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Hm, I thought as much...I mentioned the term sex addict and he never really responded. On one hand, (in the past) he acted as if his behavior isn't unnatural: people like sex and like to explore new things. Of course, I was never OK with that - sure, sexual exploration s great and all but you stay single and don't drag others along for your sordid ride.

Now, he admits what he was doing wasn't something he was proud of and he regrets his actions, but like you said Anon Pink, it's as if he's just cut off sex completely. Uh, OK...I see you want to make a change, but how is this going to solve anything long term? And how selfish is it to expect me to just hang out and deal with this on my own? (Or am I being selfish too in my wants? You would expect that if you hadn't seen or touched your wife in a year, you'd want to at least give it a go for old times' sake??)

I've pondered these things to myself and wondered out loud, but it seems at this point, like I said, he's not willing to answer them or open up and I don't want to beat a dead donkey. He has said we can use toys, his fingers, tongue, etc. but daggit why wouldn't we just have normal sex? It's as if he's over the whole thing and I feel like a lump of poo.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Well, I just brought it up again, because he's been moping around since Friday and I know something has been on his mind. He finally admitted he's not really sexually attracted to me and apologized. I said it's not something to be sorry for, either you are are you aren't, but where do we go from here? Because I'm not happy with this set up and I feel like a roommate. I told him if he's not willing to try and at least find some chemistry or make an effort to satisfy me sexually, I'm going to move out and on and eventually divorce him because this isn't what I want out of life. He said that's not what he wants either, he doesn't know what to do when it comes to sex. I said it sounds like he doesn't want me in particular, he just wants somebody so he's not alone. He also said that's not true. *sigh* I'm over this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You husband's attempts need to be called out for what they are. Misguided and just as hurtful to you. I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a man who didn't want to have sex with me!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

user1234 said:


> Well, I just brought it up again, because he's been moping around since Friday and I know something has been on his mind. He finally admitted he's not really sexually attracted to me and apologized. I said it's not something to be sorry for, either you are are you aren't, but where do we go from here? Because I'm not happy with this set up and I feel like a roommate. I told him if he's not willing to try and at least find some chemistry or make an effort to satisfy me sexually, I'm going to move out and on and eventually divorce him because this isn't what I want out of life. He said that's not what he wants either, he doesn't know what to do when it comes to sex. I said it sounds like he doesn't want me in particular, he just wants somebody so he's not alone. He also said that's not true. *sigh* I'm over this.



that mean SOB!

he woos you back... For what?

girl, get that suit case packed!


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> that mean SOB!
> 
> he woos you back... For what?
> 
> girl, get that suit case packed!


I think it boils down to this: when faced with the choice of being able to have sex with whomever he wants, but divorced from me and never having contact with me again *or* never having sex with anyone else and living a sexless life with me, he chose the latter.

Great? I really lucked out? Conversely I divorce him and be single and could keep trying to find a guy who was attracted to me sexually *and* not an ******* (hm) or try and make this marriage work but probably spend the rest of my life masturbating alone.

My mind is telling me to move out and onward but life experience and past failures in the love department is telling me to not throw in the towel, maybe intimacy can be nurtured and developed over time. Who the hell knows? I'm going to go work out and get booze (in that order).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No no no! 

Your girly bits work, you picker might need a little fine tuning but that will come. Get out there and find a man who will love you, love to have sex with you, and won't be a d!ck!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

user1234 said:


> Ok, I'll try not to ramble and just summarize the issues...if anyone needs more details to offer some advice, I'll share them.
> 
> We married when were were 22; it's been 4 years
> ***
> ...



You are a good woman and don't deserve his screwing around on you. I say, move on, get the divorce and find a real man that will love you and be faithful to you. Move on.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No no no!
> 
> Your girly bits work, you picker might need a little fine tuning but that will come. Get out there and find a man who will love you, love to have sex with you, and won't be a d!ck!


Aye! How I wish it were so simple! I have never been afraid to travel and have been independent all of my life, but damn, I'm tired of rejection! I guess that's why it doubly hurts/sucks: I'm not a bad person, I'm kind and considerate, and I know I'm not ugly...why in the world don't I ever attract people that I'm attracted to? 

Anyway, I'm trying not to have a pity party and stay upbeat. I'm also trying to avoid our place and do my own thing but the H is mopey and just wants to be around me and talk and it's like: uh....can you stop? I'm glad he was honest and didn't lie but like...yeah. Just leave me alone. I don't feel like being your buddy with boobs anymore.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

user1234 said:


> I think it boils down to this: when faced with the choice of being able to have sex with whomever he wants, but divorced from me and never having contact with me again *or* never having sex with anyone else and living a sexless life with me, he chose the latter.
> 
> Great? I really lucked out? Conversely I divorce him and be single and could keep trying to find a guy who was attracted to me sexually *and* not an ******* (hm) or try and make this marriage work but probably spend the rest of my life masturbating alone.
> 
> My mind is telling me to move out and onward but life experience and past failures in the love department is telling me to not throw in the towel, maybe intimacy can be nurtured and developed over time. Who the hell knows? I'm going to go work out and get booze (in that order).


Um with no kids you need to run not walk from this situation.... seriously.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Um with no kids you need to run not walk from this situation.... seriously.


Comments like this make me wonder: is sexual attraction really that big of an issue? You have bad marriages where they seemed to be OK in that department and they still don't work for lack of communication, fidelity, respect, whatever, so part of me wonders what's the big deal if I'm no longer getting him hot and bothered but everything else is OK? The fear of him cheating on me in the future with someone he does find attractive? Is that it? Can I have a happy marriage without sex? Is it really so unheard of?

(I honestly don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here...) It seems the handful of you who have read and actually responded think it's impossible...I have no healthy, normal relationships of those around me to look to as an example, so the more insight the better....:scratchhead:


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

user1234 said:


> Comments like this make me wonder: is sexual attraction really that big of an issue? You have bad marriages where they seemed to be OK in that department and they still don't work for lack of communication, fidelity, respect, whatever, so part of me wonders what's the big deal if I'm no longer getting him hot and bothered but everything else is OK? The fear of him cheating on me in the future with someone he does find attractive? Is that it? Can I have a happy marriage without sex? Is it really so unheard of?
> 
> (I honestly don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here...) It seems the handful of you who have read and actually responded think it's impossible...I have no healthy, normal relationships of those around me to look to as an example, so the more insight the better....:scratchhead:


user1234 - look at your own advice you gave to another poster.

_"I say: don't "settle" and stay in an unhappy situation just because of the fear of the unknown."_

You are so young! You have no reason to settle.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> user1234 - look at your own advice you gave to another poster.
> 
> _"I say: don't "settle" and stay in an unhappy situation just because of the fear of the unknown."_
> 
> You are so young! You have no reason to settle.


I know...I just wonder: am I not being realistic? Everyone has their list of ideals, if everything else on mine is marked off but the "awesome sex life" box, is that so bad? Maybe it is...maybe it isn't? 

People have issues and I've found the older you get, the more baggage people can come with. Oh well. I don't know. I still am planning on leaving, I'm just wondering aloud...maybe things could get better but probably not. I don't want to lie in bed at night, feeling like I'm unattractive and undesirable. 

Llife can certainly be ****ty, sometimes :scratchhead:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I think you both need to separate and get professional counseling. For you: it has already been stated that you seem to attract the wrong men. You admitted that there are no healthy relationships around you for a role model. You need to get emotionally healthy.

For him: it sounds like he has a sexual addiction. He will lie, cheat, make promises, break them, and spare nothing to get his fix. He has the classic symptoms of an addict and it is very difficult to get over this alone. As in any addiction it takes more and more stimulation to get the same dopamine rush. That is why men addicted to porn need more and more of it to get satisfied. The reason he is not attracted to you is he needs the stimulation that a new woman gives him. It is like you are "pot" and he needs "heroin." 

With the right help, people can change but that will not not happen until they want it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

user1234 said:


> I know...I just wonder: am I not being realistic? Everyone has their list of ideals, if everything else on mine is marked off but the "awesome sex life" box, is that so bad? Maybe it is...maybe it isn't?
> 
> People have issues and I've found the older you get, the more baggage people can come with. Oh well. I don't know. I still am planning on leaving, I'm just wondering aloud...maybe things could get better but probably not. I don't want to lie in bed at night, feeling like I'm unattractive and undesirable.
> 
> Llife can certainly be ****ty, sometimes :scratchhead:



Yes, it is vital! You may think that the security right now is worth it, but 10 years from now it will be even worse for you. You will have wasted your youthful energy on something that drains you of hope and makes you feel worthless. You will grow to be angry and bitter because the love you yearn for, which is what everyone yearns for, is not ever going to happen with this man. Not Ever.

Dont second guess your future happiness for temporary security. It's scary right now, but 10 years from now I just know you will be so much happier with the right man.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Surprisingly out of nowhere, the H said again he wants to try and make things work and go to counseling. I can't ask for more than that - at least he's willing to try and being open to help. 

I'm a bit surprised at how overwhelmingly doomsday-ish people seemed to be on here. If life and relationships were so easy, wouldn't everyone be with their perfect someone and living happily ever after? Marriages/relationships take work....

Anyway, thank you for the suggestions nevertheless. I'll update if anything changes, either way.


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

I have a friend who has been married to a sex addict for many years. She would tell you, that his habits will likely not change without a LOT of work. So I'm recommending you take a look at this site: COSA recovery Please don't just think it's silly and move on. While sex addiction didn't make the DSM-V, I really believe it should have. While we accept that people with OCD sometimes wash their hands until they bleed and it's not their fault...it's so hard to liken a true sex compulsion and behavior to the same genre...but I believe that's where it belongs. If you stay with this man, you will be dealing with an addict/obsessive-compulsive individual, whose actions will do more than gross you out when the skin washes off their hands....his actions could cause you to contract an STD or even AIDS. So you need to really be aware of what you are putting yourself and your potential children in the way of.

Best of luck to you. I wish that he was all you hoped he would grow into...now.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

user1234 said:


> Surprisingly out of nowhere, the H said again he wants to try and make things work and go to counseling. I can't ask for more than that - at least he's willing to try and being open to help.
> 
> I'm a bit surprised at how overwhelmingly doomsday-ish people seemed to be on here. If life and relationships were so easy, wouldn't everyone be with their perfect someone and living happily ever after? Marriages/relationships take work....
> 
> Anyway, thank you for the suggestions nevertheless. I'll update if anything changes, either way.


You are right that relationships take work. The hardest part of that work is the work that you do on yourself. You cannot change another person; you can only change yourself.

I think it is great that he suggested the counseling. That shows promise. This will take time. Be patient. For me, I am no longer so doomsday-ish. Just maybe he has come to the end of himself and is sick and tired of living this way. Lets hope so! People can change.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he sounds like a narsisist and hes keeping you around because it benifits him somehow not because he loves you.

he has shown his true colors if your willing to accept them then by all means stay in a relationship with him, but I think you know in your heart what you should do.


good luck hope you don't come back 6 months or 1 years from now wishing you made a different decision.


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## user1234 (Jun 2, 2013)

Hm, isn't a part of being with someone because you care about them and you want them in your lives, chillymorn? Marriage is about love and companionship - how is it a bad thing that being with me is "benefiting him somehow?" I certainly wouldn't be with him if he was doing nothing for my life but dragging me down and making me a worse person! At the same time, why are people so gung ho about abandoning ship when the waters get rough? I'm not advocating to sacrifice my happiness but if my husband really does have an addiction or issues, just because it may be to sex doesn't mean it's OK to just throw in the towel. Tsk.

Anyway, some of the responses I received were helpful but again, it seems like the Bitter Bobs and Jaded Janes are more vocal than people who aren't pessimistic. If anything, it makes me a little more grateful to have someone who knows my flaws and I know his and is willing to work on things together.

CreekWalker, thanks for the link. I don't think I'll bother updating or coming back on here - way too much negativity. I think I need to focus on those with happy and healthy relationships, and perhaps this message board doesn't attract that kind of person, but rather those who are despondent, desperate, or just downtrodden. 

Happy marriages to everyone going through rough patches! Adios...


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