# Opinions Needed



## maurerj26 (Sep 27, 2015)

My Wife and I have been together 8.5 years but only married for the last 4 months. We have started to have some intimacy issues that I'm not sure how to resolve. Its been 4 weeks since the last time we had sex and before that time we went 3 weeks without (not to mention when we do finally have sex its boring and predictable, but that may be a discussion for another time). I'm not sure what else i can do, i've bought toys, games, tried to be romantic and spontaneous but I always seem to get turned down. My wife has some minor health issues so I know we wont be able to have sex as much as some other couples but i dont think weekly is an unreasonable request. The problem at this point is that I'm starting to feel taken for granted, I make 70% of the income, do 90% of the cooking and cleaning and all i ask in return is sex which I cant seem to get. At this point I dont want to make any effort because i just get angry when i get turned down, but she doesnt seem to be willing to make any effort of her own. We have talked about this multiple times and every time she says she will try harder and things will change only to end up with no changes being made. Not sure where to turn without giving up.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Ages?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So what was it like the 8.5 years before marriage?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maurerj26 said:


> *I make 70% of the income, do 90% of the cooking and cleaning.*


Perhaps she wants to help and participate more but she only gets contribute 30% of the income and to do 10% of things around the house. Why? Perhaps she thinks you do not like the way she cooks for you or keeps the house?

From her perspective you might be making her feel like you provide the income AND keep everything up in the house.

Instead of sex, I'd focus on letting go control of the house and let her make it into her home and organize the things they way she wants them. Then perhaps she will feel more accepted and gain the confidence to be more sexual as a desired side effect. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

maurerj26 said:


> ....We have started to have some intimacy issues that I'm not sure how to resolve. Its been 4 weeks since the last time we had sex and before that time we went 3 weeks without (not to mention when we do finally have sex its boring and predictable, but that may be a discussion for another time). I'm not sure what else i can do, i've bought toys, games, tried to be romantic and spontaneous but *I always seem to get turned down.* My *wife has some minor health issues* so I know we wont be able to have sex as much as some other couples but i dont think weekly is an unreasonable request. The problem at this point is that *I'm starting to feel taken for granted*, *I make 70% of the income, do 90% of the cooking and cleaning and all i ask in return is sex which I cant seem to get.* At this point *I dont want to make any effort* because *i just get angry when i get turned down,* but she doesnt seem to be willing to make any effort of her own. We have talked about this multiple times and every time she *says she will try harder and things will change* only to end up with no changes being made. Not sure where to turn without giving up.


My opinion. LOOK IN THE MIRROR! Seriously.

Take a moment and put yourself in your wife's shoes. 

I am always amazed at how most people assume couples don't communicate and they really communicate quite well.

Do you think that your wife understands that you are angry with her?

Look closely at your "you make the money, you do the choirs, you are entitled to sex when you want/need it" post. In a marriage each contributes what they can and give from their heart to make the other happy. 

You are keeping score and she knows it. You are effectively communicating to her, that she is a failure and you are entitled to have your sexual needs met by her. If you were her and you heard that from your spouse and you knew they were angry at you would you want to have enthusiastic sex with them? Probably not.

Are you making her feel loved and cherished each day in her love languages? Or is your anger and sense of entitlement getting in the way?

Is she comparing how you use to make her feel loved to the way you treat her now? Do you think that maybe she might also want to feel and be loved the way you use to treat her?

You say you don't want to make any effort. She probably knows that and a natural human reaction on her part would be to say to heck with you, I will also not make any further effort. Is that what you really want?

Do you see how a downward spiral can start in a troubled marriage and how sex can become the battle ground?

My advice is for you to start looking in the mirror and work on fixing yourself and how you treat your wife. Drop all your anger toward her as it will not do one thing to improve the situation. If you want to be angry, be angry at yourself, apologize to her and then use that anger to motivate yourself to get a life and become a better person. (Getting a Life is a defined concept explained in both Glover's and Davis books.)

Maybe if she starts to see a change in how you treat her and feels loved again, she will change the way she treats you. After all when you have talked to her about this in the past, she has tried for a while.

If you would like to save your marriage, I would suggest you read and study three books that really helped me save my sex starved marriage. The first was Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, the second was Chapman's 5 Langaues of Love and the third was MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage.

If you still want to save the marriage, but don't want to put the effort into changing yourself, may I suggest marriage counseling with a sex therapist. While you might expect that the Sex Therapist will side with you, what they actually tell you may surprise you.

Good luck.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's not doing anything because you let her. She's getting exactly what she wants, a guy that pays for everything and does everything so she doesn't have to, and on top of it, he doesn't do anything when there's no sex. She now feels she can get away with whatever she wants. Next on the agenda for her is gaining lots of weight and getting real demanding. It's time for the 180.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

maurerj26 said:


> , I make 70% of the income, do 90% of the cooking and cleaning.


Why?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Why?


I mean, really. Whatever happened to giving 100% to your marriage?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning and she's lost sexual interest in you, maybe she's not sexually attracted to a guy who behaves like a maid. You've been together 8.5 years and only recently married. Why the delay and what was the sex like before you tied the knot? How soon after the nuptials did you notice her losing sexual interest? Have you been paying 70% of the bills and doing 90% of the housework for 8.5 years or did you change your behaviors after the marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a book that might help you.


Mating in Captivity


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

There are any number of reasons women stop wanting sex. Some have nothing to do with her mate, and some of the reasons have everything to do with her mate. If her reasons are personal, I don't have any ideas about that because I don't know what is going on with her and obviously can't read her mind. I don't have any experience with not wanting sex that wasn't directly related to and caused by my mate, so that's all I can offer my opinion about. As someone else stated, you may have to look in the mirror. That's the first place to begin because most men don't realize that we women take our cues from you. We follow your lead. So, what goes on in the bedroom - and what DOESN'T go on in the bedroom - is often directly related to you and your actions in and/or outside of the bedroom.

I have experienced all of the following:

1. No good to her in bed.
I once dated a guy who was totally useless to me in bed. He actually thought sex was just for him, and my job was to simply let him do his business. I was, of course, expected to make it good and exciting for him. Though I initially thought this was something we could talk about and work on, I learned that hope was pointless. I had known and loved this guy for many, many years before we started dating but as close family friends. Also knew many of his girlfriends. After we got together, I couldn't see why those women loved him so much and wanted to marry him. I concluded you can love a person and want to spend your life with them even if the sex is bad. But, that also means you will spend your married years not wanting to have sex with him. What would be the point?

This also applies even if the bedroom experience for her isn't quite as bad as that scenario. The guy doesn't have to be the clueless chauvinist that guy was, but if sex is still unsatisfying for her, then she stops wanting it. She might orgasm via oral sex, but the act of intercourse is unsatisfactory. Most men don't understand that sex is totally different for women than it is for men. The friction from the in/out motion feels good to him but doesn't do much for her because women have points that need pressure. If he's not hitting those points because he's too thin or too short or even because he has no idea what or where her erogenous zones are, then she gives up wanting sex with him. Every man of every size and width can be pleasing in bed. It may be possible you have to learn her body better or research positions to best stimulate her g-spot during intercourse.

2. Treating her badly.
There are a surprisingly number of men who treat their wives like crap. They treat their wives like she's their opponent or enemy. In nearly every one of these cases, he doesn't realize he's driving a wedge between them and also doesn't realize how it affects her mentally and emotionally, and that reflects in the bedroom because he has turned her off. You can find a lot of threads on these boards where men tell the story of being totally surprised when their wife left and say things like "I didn't know it was that bad" or "I had no idea I drove her away" before admitting how badly they had been treating their mate. Men call us nags but don't realize they turned us into nags. And well, if they call us anything else outside of our name/nickname/pet name, then our bodies and hormones respond to that. This is another way in which we follow your lead. 

If you treat her badly, you kill her desire. 

If you are unkind, disrespectful, inconsiderate, and/or neglectful, you kill her desire. 

If you minimize or ignore her concerns, you kill her desire.

If you have no regard for her opinions and her feelings, you kill her desire.

3. Making her feel used.
Points 1 & 2 will make a woman feel used, but other ways we might feel used and not want sex is being pressured for sex and feeling like your furniture or apparatus.

While men may feel it is our duty, we don't like feeling that giving you sex is the purpose of our birth. It may have been okay in the beginning, but we soon grow tired of feeling like you are reaching just because we are within reach. Your woman doesn't like feeling you don't desire HER but that you simply desire sex and she's supposed to give it you because that has nothing to do with her. It's just your libido and your thinking that she is conveniently accessible to service you. We don't like feeling used like that.

Look in the mirror and examine yourself and your actions. You have to look at YOU because asking her likely won't yield understandable results because we women usually are not able to talk about it and tell the truth. That's especially true if she has already been trying to tell you but you just blew her off or turned it back on her as if she didn't say anything.


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