# Going to try this again...



## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

I posted here many months ago, I guess i just got caught up in the holidays and life. I have been keeping up on this website for many months, so I feel like my story is not so special, but it helps me to know that other people are going through the same thing that I am going through. 
I met the man of my dreams 20+ years ago when i was in the Navy and he was just getting out of the Navy. We fell in love and spent 20 years together traveling the world while I was in the Navy and building my career (Navy Nurse). We have two beautiful children (DS 16, DD, 12). It was never perfect between us, but I think everyone thought it was. I grew up learning to make things look perfect and make things happen. During our 20 year marriage he left me 4 times (this last one was the 4th). Always claiming that my self esteem was too low or he just wan't happy with me for some reason (not always clear). I suppose I was always so busy building my career in the Navy and raising children that I didn't understand what he needed. My bad...maybe, maybe not. I provided well for my family and have given them a good life. My stbxh always worked, but it was not secret that I always made more money than he did. He didn't seem to have a problem with that most of the time 
Believe me, he never complained about having money to buy and do the things that he wanted to!
He was always very friendly with other women, and I didn't have a problem with that until he became secretive about his ex girlfriend and then women who were "just friends" that he was going to meet in Vegas. There is so much to our story that may make me look like a crazy b%tch or him like a narcissist man. So much to this story, I don't want to bore people with the details, unless anyone is interested. I have posted some of my story on her previously,and believe me I am not an innocent party in this separation/divorce. 
I just don't want to bore everyone with my messed up life all at once:surprise:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What do you need from us?

Are you just venting? If you are, post the rest. If we get bored, we'll stop reading.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

MoUnit said:


> I just don't want to bore everyone with my messed up life all at once:surprise:


Nope ,,,, you aren't boring us ,,,, fire away.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Thank you for asking  I need advice.., I need support..., I need to hear that I am not crazy. And maybe I am crazy, and the one who ruined my marriage. I just know from reading here, that people will give me honest feedback. I have some very good friends who think I could never do anything wrong. That is why I am here, looking for advice from people who have been through what I have been through and wont' worry about hurting my feelings


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What reasons did your husband give for your self esteem being low? How did your (perceived) low self esteem affect him?

Do you believe that your career caused marital problems? How much were you gone? Did he let you know along the way that your career was an issue?

What were the reasons he left you 4 times?


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## Iridescent (Jan 12, 2016)

Go ahead and vent. I won't get bored. Have to let it out somewhere.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

Ok, you asked for it:
You got the basics, married for 20 years, two children. During the last 10 years he left me 3 times (I consider this last time the 4th and final). Every time he left me, I begged and pleaded for him to come back, I swore I would change and be a better wife....until last year when he left me and I went to counseling and realized that I don't need to beg and plead for someone to come back to me. I needed to figure out me and what I wanted. So... probably didn't make the best decision in my life, but I went out with friends and hooked up with a man 13 years younger than me. It was fun at the time and he made me feel SO sexy. Bad decision, even though he told me he always has been clean for STD's, he wasn't. To make the story even worse, my husband and i decided to reconcile, but I didn't know I had contracted an STD until after reconciliation. Of course, my husband goes crazy...until I find out he had been on Match.com as "divorced" and hooking up with other women the whole time we were separated. We still ended up reconciling until June 2015. We went through marriage counseling and I really thought we were going to get through this. He just decided he couldn't be with me anymore because I "cheated" and I was a *****. He decided that he needed to tell everyone in our wedding party from 20 years ago what I did. That included best friends and family members. I have no problem admitting that I made a mistake, and I will freely admit to anyone, because anyone who know me, knows I am not a cheater and truly made a big mistake when I was separated from my husband.
If fact, most of my friends are more mad at him than me. Mostly because I came clean, even admitting to my mom,dad and pretty much everyone I knew that I contracted an STD. He was even threatening to tell our children, thankfully either his counselor or friends talked him our of that.


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> What reasons did your husband give for your self esteem being low? How did your (perceived) low self esteem affect him?
> 
> Do you believe that your career caused marital problems? How much were you gone? Did he let you know along the way that your career was an issue?
> 
> What were the reasons he left you 4 times?


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## MoUnit (Jul 9, 2015)

The first two times he left me, it was because I was too involved with work- I was a navy nurse and trying to "rise to ranks", I don't think I had low self esteem at that time, he just thought I was selfish. Maybe I was, but I was the one supporting out family. After I retired from the military I will admit I lost some of my identity. It was what I knew for 20 years, I was respected for that and then when I tried to work as a "civiilian", it was really hard. That is when he started in on my low self esteem and the fact that I wasn't earning as much money. i will freely admit that my self esteem was low, I wasn't earning to my potential and i did start gaining weight


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MoUnit said:


> The first two times he left me, it was because I was too involved with work- I was a navy nurse and trying to "rise to ranks", I don't think I had low self esteem at that time, he just thought I was selfish. Maybe I was, but I was the one supporting out family. After I retired from the military I will admit *I lost some of my identity.* It was what I knew for 20 years, I was respected for that and then when I tried to work as a "civiilian", it was really hard. That is when he started in on my low self esteem and the fact that I wasn't earning as much money. i will freely admit that my self esteem was low, I wasn't earning to my potential and i did start gaining weight


My father went through that when he left the military. He was used to be respected automatically because of his rank. He found it difficult to navigate the civilian work force because of the looseness of the heirarchy and that people didn't get in trouble for pettiness and laziness. I guess there isn't office gossip, and that people are responsible in the military.

If you read here you will learn that a lot of spouses who work inordinate hours get blamed with it by the spouse who takes care of the family. You chose to reenlist knowing your husband didn't like your work hours?

So you cheated, and your husband cheated. If just one person cheats that is hard enough on a marriage. When both cheat, both have the full range of emotions from both sides of the coin.

I don't remember if your husband is gone now. Are the two of you talking? I would suggest that you work on yourself. Don't beg him to come back again...he has done this 3 times. Either he really means it and gets sucked back in, or the two of you have created a dynamic of leaving and coming back, and he will be back again.

You have to break the cycle. Do not let him back unless he agrees to work with you 100% to fix your broken marriage.

There are a lot of good books, each one addressing different aspects of your broken marriage, that can help the two of you.

You might start with Codependent No More. It is for you.


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