# Update-Is It Over?



## Gabriel527 (Jun 9, 2011)

My husband Has refused to speak to me on the phone or see me in person. He emails, that is it. The only reason he says he wants a divorce id because he doesn't love me anymore. I told him to spend time with me and see how he feels, but he does not reply when I say this. He left for two weeks then decided we needed a divorce. U saw no sign of trouble before this. Yesterday he sent me : 
"Can you put the bills and all my mail in the outgoing mail thing so I can get it. As long as I get there before Monday at 3 it will be okay. I mean there isn't anything in particular. I would like my bed and my bookshelf and my desk. I would take the couch unless you want it. The dvds are all fair game take what you want leave what you dont. If there are any I took that I shouldnt have let me know. It is your call on silverware and stuff, but I wouldnt mind the ones that were my mothers back. So basically anything that was mine before I would like back. Otherwise you can have whatever u want.
Im sorry that you feel that you havent gotten reasons but I feel that we discussed the problems. I do not know why it happened either. My feelings just left. I am sorry for that but it wouldnt be fair to you for me to stay and not be happy because you would not be happy."
How can feelings just leave? Why won't he try? And if he deserted me (I had no car, no job, and he emptied the bank account) do I have to give him his furniture back? He refuses to see me, he wants to leave his mail outside our apartment building instead of coming in to get it. Basically what I want to know is what can I do? Is it over?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I would let him know that you will get the furniture to him when he replaces your half (more if you have children) of the money he removed from the account. Only give him the things he owned before you became a couple. The rest of the stuff I'd sell if you don't want it. It might not be legal to do so until you're officially divorced. 

Truthfully, it appears to be over. There is a small chance that he'd come back, but I doubt it will happen unless you show him that you're going to be okay without him. I know it's hard, but keep your conversations business-like. Tell him you've accepted the situation and stop talking about the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

definitely sounds like he has checked out, It is entirely up to you to answer the question of if its over, but if he is absent you must accept it is, and you are better for it. I know it must be hard, I'm not in your situation but I feel for you. It definitely takes both to make the marriage work, so there is no point in you waiting around if he has made it so clear he won't. It sucks for so many reasons that you now have to deal with a failed marriage, losing the love of someone you loved unconditionally, trying to figure out how to get on with life. Just know that divorce doesn't have to define who you are, nor will you be judged poorly by those who do love you and those are the only people you really should have to care about.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Gabriel - You're looking for some sign of hope. I know this feeling all too well. You don't understand. Your in a lot of pain. Feels like you've literally been torn in half (you have). And you're left analyzing, reflecting, weeping, scrambling... for any bit of hope that may still be. I've got good news for you. There is always hope! Read some of the stories on here - WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries

Hope is a dangerous game right now though and you have to understand how to manage it. Do people recover from far worse situations? yes. But often they don't. You have to decide whats right for you. Hope also brings heartache. I believe the more mysterious and "sudden" the split is, the more likely it is that your spouse is very confused and acting on irrational emotion. This lends itself very well to a great "eye-opening" experience down the road that might bring him to his senses. But there are no guarantees...

So, given the possibilities, you simply have to accept that it is TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. This is the hardest concept to grasp. But so very true. The faster you can accept this, the sooner you will feel like moving on with your life. And when I say "moving on with your life" I don't necessarily mean give up on him. I mean get healthy, learn how to live your life as if this is how it has to be. Then, whether he comes back or not, you are prepared to deal with it. You can hope and pray as long as you'd like. But don't let hope be a vessel of continual disappointment during a time when he's made it very clear where he stands. There are marriages restored after 2, or 10, or 15 years of being divorced. Often, at some point, the leaving spouse wakes up and realizes what they walked away from. But most of the time, the waiting spouse has already given up. The pain and patence that must be endured are out-weighed by the promise of the happiness that comes with giving up and finding someone new. You have to decide how long you are willing to wait. And if you give up and move on... You will find happiness again. You should be prepared to find happiness either way.


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## forthelog (Jun 15, 2011)

There's no easy way to accept this. I find that God really is the only way to find hope. When people use the word hope, they simply mean they have uncertain future and simply desire for a better one. With hope in the Lord, we find that it is certain, it may not be something we want, but we are certain of His promises and his plan.

It may not be the words you want to her but you need to stop focusing on the why. 

Why did this happen?
Why won't he try?
Why can't I change this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why did I do those things in the past?
Etc.

The why is what is going to kill you. You can ask ask ask the why every day and find that you are hurting more and more and more every day. 

Believe me, I KNOW you're pain. I feel it everyday still. I truly do. However, let me offer you this. If you believe in God, find comfort in him. If you don't, I urge you too. For more practical advice, I suggest, you focus on yourself. 

You lived your life before this, YOU WILL LIVE IT after this too. I know it's easier said than done. I know it hurts. I hope you can accept what cannot be changed (his mind by you) and I hope you have the courage to change what can be changed (yourself.) God Bless.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this, it's REALLY painful.

With that said, he's gone. It doesn't even matter why, does it? The ending is the same-he left. I know that sounds harsh but I would feel it cruel and untrue to leave with you hope on this one. Based on what you said, he's left the marriage.

As far as the rest of this sh't, well it made me angry to read it. "Pay my bills, leave my mail, get me my crap." Whatever, suck it. I would keep it all. My stbx didn't even dare to think about taking anything but the very bare minimum but that's probably because I am very scary.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I agree it is important to be careful with the hope thing. I kept finding reasons to be hopeful, like, well he hasn't filed yet, well, he hasn't told his family or friends yet, well, he hasn't talked about dividing property or anything yet. Guess what, he told his family, our kids and friends know. Who knows what will come next. I am encouraged by his sister who thinks he is in a really bad place right now, not related to me or our marriage and that I should hang in there. Then I saw him tonight and I can't tell what is going on.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You have gotten some great advice here, Just remember to check out the 180 plan and work it. Pray to God for acceptance and keep moving forward. Your H sounds very much like mine. Swears he communicated what he was feeling all along and I still don't know anything. He is a very bad communicator is he thinks he tried. Make it easier on you, if you can do without the things he wants and it would be closure for you let it go. You leave and let him come get his stuff. Make sure you do what is best for you. And remember he is not going to tell you what you want to hear, so let it go and don't worry about what things are going on right now.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Easy Stair... Lol! Lots of emotion coming through your post. I know its not funny but u made me laugh. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Me too, especially the last sentence. But I totally understand ;o)


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