# In need of urgent advice



## Alfam (Jun 5, 2015)

Help/clarity 

I have been with my wife for 10yrs, of which we have been married for 3yrs. My wife and I are from completely different backgrounds.

Five years ago I had an affair and had a child with the woman. After many months of arguments with my wife about the affair and child, she seemed to be slowing accepting the situation. 3yrs ago she found out that I was still communication with the lady and the lady had decided to go to court to claim maintenance, to make sure she got money every month. As an attempt to try and discredit the maintenance claims and also claim for damages from the other lady, my wife decided that we get married. To silence her I agreed to get married, but after some thought, I told her that we should be married for the right reason; not out of spite.

This upset her as she thought I was trying to defend the other lady. After reasoning with her, we eventually got married in court. She continued to be upset with my excessive alcohol intake and infidelity. She felt that I didn’t take her seriously and that I treated her like a maid, who was there to look after my kids. I love my wife, but we are on two different wave links, and with what has happened in the past five years has made us grow apart. She now wants out, to get away far away from me. She even wants to leave the kids. 

I’m not looking for any sympathy; I’m looking for some good advice. I know what I have done is wrong. Because of my actions, I seem to be drowning in my own sh*t. I’m in a predicament, especially with my kids. I’m an orphan and have no family; if I had I would have asked a sister/brother to come assist me. How do I conscience my wife to at least stay for the kids until we figure out a plan for the kids wellbeing? 

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

Alfam


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You sure have landed yourself in some **** entirely of your own making although your wife should have known that she was not marrying a man with high moral values to begin with.

1. it is morally right that you do not abandon your child from the other woman , no matter how painful it is for your wife, but that does not give you a right to exclude your wife or lie to her about being in contact with the OW. Any decisions to be made about the child should be made with your wife and her knowledge.
2. you have said you have a drinking problem, you need to join AA and clean up your act. Your wife has probably heard all the talk, the promises and no action, this is one action that must be taken
3. you mention infidelity, but you have not said what exactly, but if it is bad I cannot see how you can recover from this.

You need to start becoming a better man for yourself and your kids, whether your wife comes back to you or not eventually that is another story, but based on what you have said it looks like you may have sunk that boat


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## Alfam (Jun 5, 2015)

Thanks Aine for the response. I have gone too far and as u said the boat has sunk. I guess all I can endeavour to do is to be true to my children...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you please clear up some things?

You say that your wife wants to even abandon the kids. Are these children her biological children?

How many children do you have? How old are they.

How old are the two of you?


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sir have you tried to get any counsel ? You have a tough situation on your hands but you have fathered children and you must do right by them no matter the outcome here . Not having other family to lean on is equally tough. Whether your wife stays or not is largely due to your actions , she is probably a good woman and dies not deserve the mess you have created .


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## Alfam (Jun 5, 2015)

Hi EleGirl, sorry for the vagueness. The kids are our biological kids; 10yrs and 5yrs old. I'm 34yrs and my wife is 32yrs


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Honda750 said:


> Sir have you tried to get any counsel ? You have a tough situation on your hands but you have fathered children and you must do right by them no matter the outcome here . Not having other family to lean on is equally tough. Whether your wife stays or not is largely due to your actions , *she is probably a good woman *and dies not deserve the mess you have created .


She doesn't sound that great to me if she's wanting to abandon her children.

You're both not great people and the kids are the losers here.

Your first priority needs to be to convince her she has no right to abandon her kids. She can abandon you (and you deserve that), but she's a terrible mother if she abandons her kids, plain and simple.


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## Alfam (Jun 5, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> She doesn't sound that great to me if she's wanting to abandon her children.
> 
> You're both not great people and the kids are the losers here.
> 
> Your first priority needs to be to convince her she has no right to abandon her kids. She can abandon you (and you deserve that), but she's a terrible mother if she abandons her kids, plain and simple.


I hear you SecondTime'Round...


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Alfam said:


> Hi EleGirl, sorry for the vagueness. The kids are our biological kids; 10yrs and 5yrs old. I'm 34yrs and my wife is 32yrs


I'm still not clear on the kids. You have a 10 year old and also a 5 year old with your wife? And you also have a 5 year old from your affair? Your wife wants to leave the marriage and leave the 2 children that she had with you? 

You talked of your infidelity in the present tense. Have you continued to cheat? With the woman that had your other child? With other affair partners?

Sorry for all the questions, but just trying to get the whole picture to understand why your wife reached her limit with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Did you say she could not leave you b/c you would keep the kids--and therefore, to get away from you, she would *have* to leave the kids? I am asking b/c of the way you wrote about her wanting to get away from you, even if it meant she couldn't take the kids (b/c you were trying to use them to keep her with you).

Once you answer, I'll have more to say, I think.


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