# How Much Longer Should I Wait?



## nightshift (Feb 4, 2012)

I need some objective opinions on my situation please. Basic info: I am essentially a newlywed, married last fall. My 2nd marriage, his first. I'm in my late 30s, he's in his mid 40s. I have 3 kids (who adore him) and he has none. I've been friends with him since I was a kid so I've known him nearly my whole life. Due to work requirements for both of us and my shared custody with my ex, we don't live together full time. We spend 3-4 days a week together. 

When we started dating sex was good (of course), several times a week, various positions & locations, etc. About 14 months ago, which was 6 months into our relationship, he began taking medications for high blood pressure and diabetes. It was also around this time his libido began to diminish. We talked to his doctor and had his medication changed, thinking that was the issue. A couple months later, we returned to the doctor because his libido had not improved at all. Again, he was given another new med that had a much lesser chance of affecting his drive. But nothing changed....

A few weeks ago he finally went to his doctor - because he needed his prescriptions refilled. He did ask about his libido and had blood work done, but nothing's come from that just yet. 

My issues about this are:
1. It's taken a year (!) for him to get help about fixing this problem. To me, actions speak louder than words...
2. During this time I've asked him to please help meet my needs in ways other than intercourse. For instance, fingering me, helping me use my vibrator, oral sex, etc. NOT ONCE has he done that.
3. When he does initiate, it's always in bed, in the dark and he goes for the same position or two every time.
4. I've told him I'd be OK with sex every day we are together (3 days a week or so), yet he thinks that's way too much and is fine with once every 1-2 weeks.

As a side note, getting and keeping an erection isn't an issue for him. It's all about lack of desire. 

I love him and want him sexually, sometimes so much that it almost hurts. I want to share that intimacy again. I'm definitely in my sexual peak and am sad to think I'm not getting to enjoy it. So at what point do I give him an ultimatum (for lack of a better word), either he helps me get off (or gets his problem fixed so we can have sex more often) or I'm taking a break from the marriage to try and gain some clarity. Am I putting too much emphasis on sex? Am I being selfish? 

Thanks for any words of advice you can offer.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi nightshift ~

What was your husband's sexual/dating/relationship history like prior to you?

Just makes me wonder why a man who is in his mid-forties would be marrying for the first time.

I don't think you are being selfish for wanting him to participate in the marriage with you. Perhaps he is being selfish - but I'm curious as to his history to try and understand if there's something more going on with him than just that he is a lower libido person. Because even someone who has a lower libido can still desire to please their spouse. 

Best wishes.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? He could be low T. That can be another cause of low libido. Is he overweight? That can also impact libido.

I am a type 2 diabetic, was overweight and was low T as well. It didn't affect my libido. But, it did result in a smaller erection. With my diabetes under control, weigh loss and testosterone replacement therapy, I'm like a new man. 

Have him get his T levels checked. If he is overweight, get him to lose weight and start working out. If he has hypogonadism, his dr should consider getting him on testosterone replacement therapy.

If his libido is low, he may be reluctant to help you out on a more frequent basis than he is comfortable. Find out the cause of his low libido.


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## nightshift (Feb 4, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. In answer to your questions:

His late teens and throughout his 20s, he had lots of one-night stand type sex, just for the physical release basically. He was in a monogamous relationship for 5 years in his mid-20s. Once that ended, he dated a few women for a few months each. Otherwise, his sex life in late 20s, early 30s was still the no-strings-attached sex - basically just whatever single woman he met and liked that was willing to have sex and didn't want the relationship part either. I've known him for 29 years, he's been my sister's best friend for more than 20, so I know he's wanted to settle down and get married for the past 10 years or so but never found the one. 
I will say that he seems to view sex as as physical thing only; he doesn't seem to feel the emotional part of it or even understand the emotional importance of it. I believe that his history has contributed to that. (FYI: Heslept with about 100 women before he turned 35, don't know if that matters.)

He had his testosterone levels drawn: it's on the very low end of normal. The doc told him she'd prescribe testosterone cream if needed but he had to get another blood test (PSA) before she could to ensure his prostate is fine, so he had that drawn last week. Awaiting results from that test. 

He is overweight but has began eating better and working out 3-5 days a week. He's lost 13 pounds in 3 weeks so very happy about that. 

My concern there is that he doesn't call his doc to follow-up or act like he's that "into" fixing the problem. AND he doesn't help ensure I'm satisfied. Just feeling very sad, frustrated, and honestly, unwanted.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, if he's mid-40's, overweight, has low T, takes meds for BP and diabetes, then he has a lot of risk factors for having issues with his libido.

AND, based upon your information about having 100 partners by age 35 - well, he has a history of not being able to establish a long-lasting connection with a partner and potentially seeing sex as only a physical need in a relationship, not necessarily an emotional one.

There have been studies done you can Google that have shown this kind of a link (the bad part of moving from partner to partner and why it is that an intense connection with another becomes harder and harder when you do so.) The following gives a good synopsis of what happens chemically in a person during sex - from bonded sex with a single person to non-bonded sex with many people: 

Brain Research Into the Healthy & Unhealthy Impacts of Sex on Women & Men « Doctor Lisa Love

First, try and improve all of the physical issues so that those can be eliminated as libido-busters. Encourage him on the weight loss, join him for walks, eat and cook healthy foods for both of you. He should talk with his doc about his meds and whether they could be contributing to his lowered libido, as well as the low T.

Next, look at working on the relational issues - such as his detachment from you and the relationship, learning how to communicate with each other, learning about each other's needs. You may need to have outside help to do this part, or you may be able to get it started together by working through a marriage building program.

But, both of you need to be willing to try. 

Best wishes.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Don't wait until you've been married 26 years. Then you'll hear that its not fair to change the rules of the game at this late juncture. Unfortunately, I am only changing the rules because I have finally decided my self respect is more important than pretending. That, and pity sex stings like nothing I've ever felt.


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## rybalizak (Feb 7, 2012)

i agree with u.


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## nightshift (Feb 4, 2012)

Enchantment, thank you for your thoughts and sharing the link. I read through it and will re-read it again shortly. I may email it to my husband to see what his thoughts are. He's not good at sharing/showing feelings so I'm guessing his reply will be short and pretty vague. I'm going to try and talk with him tomorrow about all of this (again) and try to move forward with fixing it (again). Fingers crossed....


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