# I don't even know what to say!



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am just floored! I was frustrated because she never seemed to be around, but according to her she had tried everything to make me happy and I was too miserable to see it and she was through. She left and moved in with her friend Tina, who conveniently enough had just left her husband. 
After a few days I approached my wife asking to talk. We met at a Friday's by my choice because I did not want to argue. I told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage but that in light of what happened it was apparent that the problem was not all on one side. At first she said she didn't think it would help, but then reluctantly agreed to go. She even offered to reach out to a counselor. I said I would do it and we scheduled an appointment for this coming Wednesday. 
While we talked she told me of her immediate plans. Apparently Tina's apartment is a small studio and there is not enough room for two people. So they were going to move to the city and get an apartment. She told me that IF we were able to work this out, at the very least we would need to take a year long hiatus because she would have to sign a years lease and wouldn't want to leave Tina hanging. 
In the mean time, I am living in our house, which was a central issue in our relationship (according to her). We live in a rather remote location and she has to drive an hour to get to work everyday. She wanted to move and we had argued about it several times but were never able to get past our own emotions , so the matter was unresolved. I wasn't opposed to the idea of moving, but wanted to make a plan. We would have to list the house and it isn't in show room condition. I also objected to where she wanted to move to as our daughter would still live hours away and will be getting married soon. I suggested we plan a move closer to her. My wife wanted to move sooner but closer to work and said we could always move later. Another issue is that I work from home. My income pays all of the bills and for me to move would require a huge loss in income. To the point of not being able to pay bills. Her salary isn't enough for us to live on. In some of our back and forths (via texts) this issue was been brought up again. But she only heard that I said NO, she didn't ever hear anything else. I told her this was a great example of the types of issues we could benefit from talking to a counselor about and left it at that.
So I am living in the house and trying to work (I have a home office) and completely unable to function. Everywhere I look, every where I turn I see her. I decided that I could not live in the house by myself. I would not live there thru the holidays with all the memories and ghosts. I can't work here for the same reasons I can't live here. So I made some decisions.
(I know that some of the best advise is to not make a decision on the basis of emotion. I know that my decisions were a reaction, but I do not think they were emotional. Rather I think they are the most logical solution to the situation.
I approached on of my largest customers about employment possibilities on Tuesday. By Friday morning I had a contingent job offer, making more money than I had been. (I have to pass a drug screen and background check - which shouldn't be a problem). As a bonus the job is somewhat flexible. I could work remotely or I could work in the main office (which ideally enough is located near my daughter) I also approached my neighbor about buying our place. They were very interested and came over to look the place over. They reiterated that they were still very interested, we talked money and so far there doesn't seem to be any issue. We left it that we both needed to talk to our partners. 
My wife was scheduled to stop by to pick up a few thing later that day and we discussed it. The bottom line was that I couldn't live here without her and she didn't want to live there at all. I also told her about the job offer and she told me congratulations. I reiterated my commitment to go to counseling and do what ever needs to be done to fix our marriage and I asked that she delay her move for one month to see if things could be worked out. She told me that Tina's apartment was just too small and they needed a bigger place. She said that if our marriage was going to be fixed it wouldn't happen in two months and that if I was serious I would need to prove it to her. If after six months it looked like things could work out, she would break her lease. She said her and Tina had discussed that very issue. So we left that we would see each other on Wednesday at counseling.
Then today I had an interesting visitor. Tina's soon to be ex, showed up at my house. He basically told me that Tina had told their son, that this whole thing had been planned. Tina told him several days before my wife left that they were going to get an apartment in the city. She said that my wife knew what buttons to push to provoke an argument and that when that happened she would have the excuse to take off. 
Prior to all this my wife had kept me apprised of Tina's situation. She told me that at some point Tina had danced with a guy at a bar one night when they were on a girl's weekend. The guy had called her. When her daughter found out she was very upset and called Tina a ***** and a ****.
Well her ex shed some light on that story. It seems Tina was posting on an on-line dating site and had forgotten to close her computer. Her daughter saw the profile "Looking for fun?". Which is why she called her mother a *****. He also told me that almost all of the other stuff is pure bull and that we were both being lied to.
I know I wouldn't be the first guy and I certainly won't be the last guy, but I absolutely cannot believe that my wife would behave like that or just outright lie, not just to me but to our children. My mind and my heart are telling me she just couldn't do this to our family. Knowing everything I do about my wife, I just can't see how she could do this. She savaged her own sister about this very thing, to the point that they weren't on speaking terms for several years. My first reaction is to confront her with this. Tina's ex even emailed me a link to her profile page. I talked to some friends who said I should wait for the counseling session and see what story she tells there and if she is lies confront her with the facts and she what the fall out is. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my wife is being played by Tina or if I am getting played by both.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Ynot, 

IMO you should do 180, this is for you.

Imporve your self, go to the gym, make things for you, go out with friends.

You should be very carefull about Tina, you dont know the whole story. Anyway you should ask Tinas stbxh for proof.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Q: If there is someone else, is it a dealbreaker?

You should have a talk to her about separation boundaries, if she is thinking about dating. If her answer is yes, then you should decide if you can bear it or move straight to D.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your wife is unhappy and thinking life on the other side of the fence will be perfect. Sure her friend Tina may be brainwashing her to an extent but the core problem to me is your wife being unhappy and looking for any avenue of escape she can find. The reality is your wife could be the one coaching Tina so she has an ally in her exit plan.

Can things be salvaged? Who knows, First thing is to do the 180 as suggested. Also protect yourself financially, any joint accounts split in half and put your half in a separate account, not entirely legal but stops her from emptying them, do not put any new money in joint accounts. Any credit cards cancel or change the max limit to $200 dollars or so, again so she can't harm you financially. If her car is in your name transfer it to her, let her also get her own insurance. If she is living out of the house I think you should file for separation, and if she insist on signing a one year lease with her friend file for divorce, why the heck should your life be stuck on hold for a year while she is out pretending to be single?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ynot,

Cooper is absolutely correct, suspecting is also correct in deploying 180.....as for your job situation, i think that is a great thing and i applaud you approaching it...go for it...as for the house if this is where you want to stay and she is still moving to the city i would suggest staying where you feel more comfortable for yourself...but it sounds like this is a trial separation so i would suggest strongly that you both outline what your expectations are around fidelity during this trial period (make it a deal breaker and instant D)......and if she questions you on that, you show her Tina profile and what her husband said and use the 180 on her...she will do what she wants in the end but does not mean you have to just sit there and take it...you can not control her actions just your own...but when the ideal of singlehood becomes a pain you make sure she is sees a man who is strong, confident, and also might be ready to find a new love if that is where the chips fall...remember your a man not a doormat. good luck and be well

PS your daughter is going to be observing this demonstrate what a strong husband does when confronted with illogical thinking...stay strong for her"


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Lila said:


> ynot,
> 
> Maybe I misunderstand but I'm trying to understand your hesitancy to move to the city.
> 
> ...


I work in real estate and most of my clients require that I be local to the jobs they send me. If I should move to the city, I would easily lose half or more of my income. My income that to this point has paid all of the bills for the past 23 years. I can't just up and move. I suggested we plan for it, but all she heard was NO. At this point I don't know if I should even be thinking about this as an issue, other than that I can not live in this house or this small town without her. There are just to many memories for me to stay here.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Suspecting2014 said:


> Ynot,
> 
> IMO you should do 180, this is for you.
> 
> ...


Her STBXH emailed me a link to her online dating site profile "Want to have some fun?". The site doe not allow explicit sexual language but every single man I know would take "want to have some fun?" as sex.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Tina's STBXH asked me to wait until Tuesday morning. That is when his dissolution is final. He asked that I wait because he was afraid that she would object to the deal she had already agreed to and he would get screwed. I promised I would wait. I guess my question is should I wait until counseling to bring it up? Or should I confront her with this fact about her BFF before? Will the counselor attempt to bypass the issue by insisting we focus on "us" and not bring others into it?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If your counselor does not see that as a red flag then I would find another counselor.....wait until Wednesday but I would confront her fact to face in regards preliminary discusses about separation and then bring up at the end about no dating...and show what you uncovered about Tina.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Xenote and others thank you for your advice.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Her STBXH emailed me a link to her online dating site profile "Want to have some fun?". The site doe not allow explicit sexual language but every single man I know would take "want to have some fun?" as sex.


If I were you I'd be going through that dating site looking for your wifes profile. I'll bet you find it and it's similar to Tina's.

I'd be willing to bet big that your wife either is already cheating or is planning to. She's separating to make her new dating life easier.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the ONLY way this can work is if Tina, your wife, and you can do FMFs whenever you visit the city! 

In other words, it is all about the sex. They both want to have a F-fest in the city and their husbands would be holding them back. 

Sounds like you need to completely cut her off financially...you should not be funding ANY of this sex safari. 

Sorry bud, she has checked out, formed an intricate plan which included manipulating you, and is willing to possibly reconsider it after ONE YEAR of freestyle screwing in the big city. 

Sounds like the marriage is over to me. but sure, try a few weeks of MC to see if that is about the jist of it. There IS a small chance she is just PO'ed about some small thing that you can fix and then she will come back.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> If I were you I'd be going through that dating site looking for your wifes profile. I'll bet you find it and it's similar to Tina's.
> 
> I'd be willing to bet big that your wife either is already cheating or is planning to. She's separating to make her new dating life easier.


THAT is an excellent point. Find out what dating site tina used, and look for your wife there!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

and you want to stay with this woman ?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> If I were you I'd be going through that dating site looking for your wifes profile. I'll bet you find it and it's similar to Tina's.
> 
> I'd be willing to bet big that your wife either is already cheating or is planning to. She's separating to make her new dating life easier.


I did look and could not find one. I honestly believe she has no idea about Tina's activities. I maybe being stupid but I know she would not ever lie to her own children. I believe Tina is manipulating my wife to make her feel sorry for poor little victim Tina and has sold her a bill of goods that happens to benefit Tina by having my wife move in with her. Tina has a history of not being able to handle money which is one of the reasons her STBXH restricted her from his. He has had to pay off thousands of dollars of CCs that she ran up.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I did look and could not find one. I honestly believe she has no idea about Tina's activities. I maybe being stupid but I know she would not ever lie to her own children. I believe Tina is manipulating my wife to make her feel sorry for poor little victim Tina and has sold her a bill of goods that happens to benefit Tina by having my wife move in with her. Tina has a history of not being able to handle money which is one of the reasons her STBXH restricted her from his. He has had to pay off thousands of dollars of CCs that she ran up.


Sorry to tell but is very naive to think that Tina is hiding info from your wife.

You really need to be open your eyes. maybe your wife is not doing anything wrong, maybe she just need space, but believe me she knows everything about Tina.

Keep looking, if you are so sure you won't find a thing.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ynot you have to think logically and not let your heart talk your brain into ignoring the obvious. No one wants to believe they are being lied to and manipulated, especially by their own spouse, but it happens every day. The scenario you are describing is typical of a wife disengaging from her husband, right now she is trying to keep her toes in both ponds, but as soon as she establishes her "other" life you are history. Read stories in the Infidelity and Considering Divorce sections of this forum and you will recognize the patterns that are happening in your own life.

As others have said....most likely your wife is not some innocent helpful friend being drawn into Tina's web, the likely scenario is they are in this together. And just because you didn't find your wife's profile doesn't mean there isn't one, I know on dating sites you can keep your profile hidden.

Regardless.....look at the facts of what is happening out in the open, your wife is currently out of the house doing who knows what and talking about living with a shady friend for the next year. How much harder of a slap in the face do you need to wake up Ynot??? Protect yourself, financially, emotionally, and medically, that means get an STD test.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

As I said, I wouldn't the first and I won't be the last to cling to the idea that my wife wouldn't do this. I feel I am looking at this logically and rationally. In some ways I feel relieved at this turn of events definitely clarifies things moving forward. Our MC session will be the perfect place to confront the issue. Then depending on her responses I know what I will need to do for me. The steps that I have already taken have already resulted in a huge weight coming off my shoulders. The only issue now will be to determine my future. If the worse comes out, I will know to stop wasting my time.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> As I said, I wouldn't the first and I won't be the last to cling to the idea that my wife wouldn't do this. I feel I am looking at this logically and rationally. In some ways I feel relieved at this turn of events definitely clarifies things moving forward. Our MC session will be the perfect place to confront the issue. Then depending on her responses I know what I will need to do for me. The steps that I have already taken have already resulted in a huge weight coming off my shoulders. The only issue now will be to determine my future. If the worse comes out, I will know to stop wasting my time.


The red part contradicts the blue part. You are looking at this through the prism of your love for her. She's not looking through that prism, she's looking through the prism of selfishness. This is not about you, and it's not about you two as a family, it's about her.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Sometimes you need to be willing to destroy the marriage in order to save it. She's looking to be ravished in the city. Party time. Possibly, she already got a sampling of the future and likes it.

Consider telling her - you leave, don't come back. Execute the 180. Read MMSLP and work on yourself. She just might run back to you. If not, it's sex in the city. Either way you'll have your answer.

VAR the car. Is she in her 30s by chance. The book will explain.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Q tip said:


> Sometimes you need to be willing to destroy the marriage in order to save it. She's looking to be ravished in the city. Party time. Possibly, she already got a sampling of the future and likes it.
> 
> Consider telling her - you leave, don't come back. Execute the 180. Read MMSLP and work on yourself. She just might run back to you. If not, it's sex in the city. Either way you'll have your answer.
> 
> VAR the car. Is she in her 30s by chance. The book will explain.


And if she does choose to leave I would bet my next two paychecks she will be crawling back to you within 6-9 months. By the way I just made bonus for this pay period.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

RClawson said:


> And if she does choose to leave I would be my next two paychecks she will be crawling back to you within 6-9 months. By the way I just made bonus for this pay period.


Take that back? Seconds? Watch out for all the nasty STDs. 

Yuck. 

Hopefully she won't do it. But who's to say, now that it's on her mind, she'll leave another day and soon. But Tina is a perfect plan for right now not later. Clearly, partying is on her mind. If she's in her 30s, it's natures way of getting her one last chance to produce offspring.

Call of the wild...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Actually she turned 50 this year. Almost everyone I have talked to including our son the Doctor says this all sounds like a prototypical mid life crisis. Regardless of what happens on Wednesday one positive thing will be establishing boundaries. I have no intention of continuing to support her life style. I don't imagine that she has considered the added costs of paying her own car insurance and cell phone bill or not being able to have me fix her car for free (for her) anymore. She won't be able to call me up because she is close on her account and can I please make a deposit. I hear what you all are saying and believe me I will protect myself. But in the meantime I guess I still have hopes that it isn't true and her unhappiness if due to miscommunication and mixed messages.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

What is MMSLP? I 've looked into the 180.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ynot said:


> What is MMSLP? I 've looked into the 180.


"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" By Athol Kay
Amazon. He has a website too at Married Man Sex Life Forum

Basically, everything that a guy is taught about marriage and women is wrong.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Lila said:


> Ynot
> 
> Out of curiosity, what are your wife's reasons for leaving you? You mentioned her wanting to live closer to work, but that can't be the only reason, right?


I was going to ask the same. That seems like a crazy reason to leave the marriage.

Seems like this has been a long time coming if she just up and left because you're not moving. You have good reason not to...if she wants the bills paid, yet she used it as an excuse anyway.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Moving was just one of our issues. The main one was that I can become very cynical and negative - not towards her, although I am sure she felt that way - but more towards life in general. I recognize that as a fault of mine, that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I can screw myself into the ground better than anyone that I know, worrying about stuff. In the Financial Forum I posted about filing bankruptcy and my resentment towards my wife for not supporting me. We argued about sex, me saying it wasn't enough or as often and I thought, and she saying she did everything to make me happy. I think in the end, I didn't ever validate her in the way she wanted, and she didn't validate me in the way I wanted. Whether or not we can together learn to do that and recommit to each other is the story to be told.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ynot said:


> Moving was just one of our issues. The main one was that I can become very cynical and negative - not towards her, although I am sure she felt that way - but more towards life in general. I recognize that as a fault of mine, that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I can screw myself into the ground better than anyone that I know, worrying about stuff. In the Financial Forum I posted about filing bankruptcy and my resentment towards my wife for not supporting me. We argued about sex, me saying it wasn't enough or as often and I thought, and she saying she did everything to make me happy. I think in the end, I didn't ever validate her in the way she wanted, and she didn't validate me in the way I wanted. Whether or not we can together learn to do that and recommit to each other is the story to be told.


 Ynot the above post is good sensible insight, it just may be to late in the game. Your wife's time frame is far ahead of yours, she is already disengaged enough to be out of the house and willing to sign a long term agreement to STAY out of the house. 

While your current thinking is maybe we can work on things and "recommit to each other" she is well beyond that and her thinking is to disengage and move on with her own life. I'm not saying reconciliation isn't possible, but it will be an uphill job for you because you are playing catch up, for her it means she needs to stop in her tracks and back up, maybe already to much road between you two.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife is not interested in reconciliation. Nothing she says to you is very hopeful. Your best bet is to cut off financial support entirely. Let her survive on her own income.

Your home is communal property. You can split the income from the sale and find a place close to your daughter.

Even if your wife has not yet cheated, it is clear that Tina wants action. Your wife is going to be hearing her stories.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Ynot the above post is good sensible insight, it just may be to late in the game. Your wife's time frame is far ahead of yours, she is already disengaged enough to be out of the house and willing to sign a long term agreement to STAY out of the house.
> 
> While your current thinking is maybe we can work on things and "recommit to each other" she is well beyond that and her thinking is to disengage and move on with her own life. I'm not saying reconciliation isn't possible, but it will be an uphill job for you because you are playing catch up, for her it means she needs to stop in her tracks and back up, maybe already to much road between you two.


Well as I said, it is the story yet to be told.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is biiter sweet, on one hand I'm very sorry this has panned out the why it did, on ther other hand you now know what you are fighting against.

Its sad to say but, until the third person is out of the marriage the marriage is lost.....even if this 3rd person is a toxic friend.

Now with that said you now have some direction. 

Work on your self, and come Wednesday show your wife a confident man, that and go get a new hair cut and some new cloths. start working out now...maybe in the next couple of day you can build up those piceps.....

My point...show her what she is about to lose.

I agree use this first counselling session to confront her....after that it depends on the counselor....be prepared to have your wife validated...in the end we all now it's this toxic friend that is the real enemy of this marriage!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You do understand that Tina will do what ever she can to prevent you from taking her wingman?

This marriage was weak and Tina swept in for the kill so she wouldn't have to go wh0ring around by here self.

I'm guessing Tine's marriage got wasted do to her own adultery?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish you would have kept all your post together, it would have given folk a good perspective on the troubles you are having.

There so many reason why a marriage falls about and the unhealthy choices a wayward spouse makes in dealing with these troubles.

I think in the end it was Tina that swept down on this troubled marriage knowing she could get a wingman out of it. I'm guessing its a fact...instead of getting support in keeping the family unit together, Tina feed her full of fantasy.

Its sad that both these women could die alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo!

I hope your wife comes out of this fog and sees Tina for what she really is....a selfish user.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Reality:

Let's put probabilities here.
25% chance your wife has already cheated.
One she's a month gone... 90%.

Do you want sloppy seconds and to be plan B?


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