# When people do not understand what the BS goes thru....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Talking to my sis on the weekend and she seemed surprised that just about a year after DD#2 that I still feel the need to be vigilant and still check on H. I was surprised that she was surprised that I would still have an urge to do that...it is like people think that well he is not doing anything anymore so just let it go. I wish it was that easy....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Personally, I dont discuss it with anyone who hasnt experienced it. Its like losing a loved one, if they havent experienced it they cant understand so youre talking to yourself. Plus you can wear people out. So I try and stick to talking about this subject with people who understand. And coming to TAM when I need to get it out. Plus we have a couple of friends who have been life savers and very very patient with both of us in listening and trying their best to help....But there again- they have experienced infidelity themselves so....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LanieB said:


> I have learned that no one can EVER understand this until they go through it themselves. I know I certainly didn't. No one can possibly imagine how bad this messes with your head - and to what degree. Even if I end up divorcing my WH, I will never be the same old (pre-affair) "Lanie" with anyone else. I will always be checking. I guess I thought this would never happen to me - had wayyy too much trust in my husband, and thought he should be happy and proud to be with me. Ha. What a crock. If HE can cheat on me, anyone can.


Ditto.I thought HE was special. He 'got it'. He understood what I needed from him and was all about giving it. HA! What a dummy I was.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Agreed to all, this experience does not make you "stronger" but has lasting damage on ones ability to trust and to give oneself wholly in a relationship. 

After my X completely screwed me over, I am struggling in my second marraige, not trusting my wife, and seeing RED FLAGS that are keeping me up at night. The worst part is, I don't know if I am right, if my second wife is also a cheater and liar, or if I am suffering from PTSD, and seeing triggers that cause my imagination for run wild. 

Did I marry the same kind of woman, or is it the PTSD? Without solid evidence I will never know. My wife is saying that we need to trust each other or our relationship will not work. In my mind I am thinking: is she setting me up to be cuckolded, or is she earnest? 

I had to resolve to completely trust her as my stress is straining our relationship. If I cannot love and trust my wife 100%, neither of us will be happy in the relationship. 

Having said that, my eyes are always open, the VAR at the ready. This is sad.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LanieB said:


> Yes, exactly.
> 
> Just last night I was talking to a friend of mine about how things are going now (which is NOT GOOD, btw), and I realized, she just doesn't get it. She has nothing in her own past to base it on, so she can't really relate and has no usable advice. She's very religious, so basically her advice is "I'm sure y'all can work it out. Just give it time. You don't want to break up your family." I don't talk to this particular friend all the time or anything - maybe once every few weeks - but I still felt maybe it's time for me to stop talking about this to other people in general (in my life), and just deal with my frustrations here on TAM. I don't want to become that angry, bitter betrayed wife who people run from when they see her coming.


This is true. I keep this stuff to a minimum for sure. I am usually the listener to my friends issues and do my best to steer clear of my issues bc they wouldnt understand anyway. My favorite "you have to let this go" is the one that sets me on fire the most so Yeah, I dont talk to people about it that havent experienced it. And know what I love more??? When a fWS tells me that!!!! PERFECT.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

As well in my situation this was not just some guy I was dating..this was someone that I have this year been with for 25 years...since I was 19.

Just because the marriage was not great as well around that time does not mean that he had any right doing what he did. Frick at times i was unhappy thru the years but not once did I think of going outside of my marriage. That is what he chose to do..and what she does not realize is that there is a part of me that thinks now so is this his go to move when ever he will find himself unhappy with me...to search out someone to make himself feel better. It is hard to get that out of your head. I still do not understand how someone can justify in their mind that what they are doing to someone else behind their back is okay...even between DD#1 and DD#2 when you know how hurt I was yet he still chose to keep contact because it made him feel good, she was boosting his ego.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Another thing I do not share with her is that even though he is not doing anything now I still have my doubts about staying in this marriage..something about the lies and how someone could literally guilt free do whatever they could to keep in contact.

When I first discovered his EA back in Sept. 2011 it was like all he cared about at that time was not about saving his marriage but instead it was like his only concern was how am I going to keep in contact with this person and probably at that time was more concerned with hurting her feelings. It is like people think well he chose you...yeah but that does not make the betrayal any less painful. As well I firmly believe, and he denies it of course now, that he was willing to walk away from his marriage at that time in order to continue this long distance EA with this person. I remember those horrible days and the way he was acting...he was ready to throw away everything because of the fog he was in and how good his EA was making him feel.

It is hard to forget that....


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

HW. You expressed it well. Words I could not find. Thank you. Identifying the feelings and making them into a sentence is the hard part, amid the confusion, responsibilities and other nagging feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

The lack of understanding from outsiders, or even relatives, has been one of the most challenging things for me to face. Very frustrating. 

After a month out of Dday2, one of my non-trad students that had heard about my DW's A was talking to me about it, and said "Wow, you still have a lot of anger!" Oh, a month after my world is shattered a second time, I'm to have released my anger and come to terms? 

I 'defriended' a couple people off FB because they're friends with POSOM or a toxic enabler and I didn't want to see their sh!t popping up on my newsfeed. Comment to DW: "Well when he's done licking his wounds, we can be friends again". Licking wounds? Try even getting into a committed relationship, let alone being betrayed 

Students are gossiping pretty heavy about the affair and some of it gets to me. My most recent favorite: One of my wife's sympathizers said something like _*"We don't know what she had to put up with at home"*_. Probably not much because _not being home_ was a significant part of the problem. To her students she's the fvcking bomb, always on point, talented, energetic, engaged. To most of them an affair is nothing to hold against someone- it might even elevate her. She's got a twisted group of supporters that don't share my moral code and certainly haven't experienced this level of shocking backstabbing. Chances are, some of them will. 

On the flip side, its made me realize how little I empathize with other's situations. If I haven't lived it, I can imagine what they're going through but I can't really know. I think that's helped me in my interactions to some extent.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> The lack of understanding from outsiders, or even relatives, has been one of the most challenging things for me to face. Very frustrating.
> 
> After a month out of Dday2, one of my non-trad students that had heard about my DW's A was talking to me about it, and said "Wow, you still have a lot of anger!" Oh, a month after my world is shattered a second time, I'm to have released my anger and come to terms?
> 
> ...


This post truly angered me. It boggles my mind at just how cruel and callous some people can be.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I am a person that has "stood up" for marriage. I would tell my friends that their spouses were my friends as well and not to say or do anything in front of me to disrespect their marriage.

I had several friends who decided to cheat on their spouse and I would kick them to the curb. I had one particular friend that was very difficult to end the relationship. His last words to me were, after telling me he just left his wife of 25 years for a chick he met on line, "Aren't I supposed to be happy?"

I knew adultery was wrong and must hurt the victims feelings. I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA HOW DEVASTATING IT WAS UNTIL I GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. I would never mention the issue unless the person experienced it themselves. Otherwise, they just cannot relate.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry MrMathias. I guess those "friends" are mostly entitled, hedonistics "free spirits" and young people with no idea about what means investing your whole being in the most difficult journey anybody can start. 


MrMathias said:


> On the flip side, its made me realize how little I empathize with other's situations. If I haven't lived it, I can imagine what they're going through but I can't really know. I think that's helped me in my interactions to some extent.


This.
Particularly it made me interested in some relatives and friends awful marriages and divorces. I tried to reach out, with relative success.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

LanieB said:


> The second quote about not knowing what she had to put up with at home - I think this is VERY common. When an A becomes public, and the WS realizes that everyone knows, all they can do is point a finger back at the BS and try to convince the world how horrible the BS truly is. They're basically trying to sling some of the sh*t back at us and HOPE something sticks! My WH has done the same thing. Unfortunately for him, the only people who even pretend to believe him are his immediate family members. It still makes me extremely angry that even those family members "believe" him.


I seriously doubt my DW said anything to lead anyone to assume things about our home life, it's just the rumor mill. I don't have any evidence that she trashed me, even to the OM. Anything she's said to other people is largely the truth (and I've said some nasty things since the A) and they come to their own conclusions. 

I feel that there's a perception out there, generally, held by outside parties that the betrayed spouse "wasn't taking care of business at home" or "wasn't getting the job done", or was abusive, or a shrew, or whatever. In my case, to an outside observer, why would a wife decide to spread for an attractive member of her chorus 15 years younger than her? Things must have been bad at home. 

I know a lot of DSs try their hardest to deflect some disapproval to their loyal spouse, I haven't seen that happen much and mostly on accident.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MrMathias said:


> I feel that there's a perception out there, generally, held by outside parties that the betrayed spouse "wasn't taking care of business at home" or "wasn't getting the job done", or was abusive, or a shrew, or whatever. In my case, to an outside observer, why would a wife decide to spread for an attractive member of her chorus 15 years younger than her? Things must have been bad at home.


Sadly this "popular wisdom" mindset is the same many professional simply accept by default: affairs are symptom of larger issues... whithin the marriage (not the cheater) and likely caused by the betrayed.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Good thread!

It is a good thing for us in the BS camp to heal and avoid messing up our current/future relationships.

Ditto to the previous posts.

Being a BH I feel the same things. I re-married in October of 2012. The past hurt still has caused a couple of bad days for me in my new marriage. It seems to have helped me to realize that when a trust issue comes up, I need to gather myself BEFORE I react in a harsh way.

It sucks knowing that the past has changed me with respect to my trust of others.

I figure it was too much trust (in my first marriage). There needs to be a balance of trusting most stuff, but knowing that stuff can happen. A red flag now really gets my attention, if you know what I mean!

As Dr. M. has discovered, most people assume that if you are cheated on, you did things that were not acceptable in your marriage. It is a bitter pill.

In my mind, the difference between being cheated on, and betrayal is the willingness of the WS to inflict damage to cover their guilt. Betrayal hurt me much more than the cheating ever did.

The damage for me at the 3 year post d-day mark is mostly my reputation in common circles that my exWW and I share. I am still hearing things about ME that are lies. I am amazed at the ability a "remorseful" cheater has to reach out and lie to friends and family. 

Thankfully it is much better at this point than it was the first year.

My lesson learned is that some people will say anything, some will believe anything, and those that truely love you will still love you even if they don't understand.

The deep, dark awful part of infidelity for me is the damage done to MY character. It is not about the sex anymore.

That being said, I am so happy that my life is back on track with a wonderful new wife and three new kids to add with my two! 

My vigilance is now turned to being the kind of husband that my wife will cherish and respect, but my ax remains very sharp.

Ironically, my exWW and I are on ok terms and are civil in our dealings at this point.


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