# How did you overcome sexual temptation in long term marriage.



## enso

How did you overcome sexual temptation in long term marriage.


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## livelaughlovenow

Stay sexually satisfied within your marriage and see temptation for what it is, eye candy, and not worth the risk of the long term dreams, security, family, etc. that marriage offers.


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## Entropy3000

The above and good boundaries. See His Needs Her Needs.


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## EleGirl

It's not hard at all.. see the two posts above.


When I walk into a store and see something I really want, but do not have the money.. I don't steal it. 

When someone gets me angry enough to want to bash in their skull... it don't do it. 

When it would be easier to lie then tell the truth... it don't lie for my own benefit.

And when I see some hot guy... it notice but do not act on it... 

I don't see cheating and sexual desire as being any different from the other wongs I chose not to do.


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## anchorwatch

I ask my wife to come up to the bedroom. 

Yes, I know that's not what you mean. But it means we are sexually fulfilled by each other. That's for 37 years. 

And I made a vow. 

I second Entropy Read ""His Needs, Her Needs" for a full version.


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## enso

anchorwatch said:


> I ask my wife to come up to the bedroom.
> 
> Yes, I know that's not what you mean. But it means we are sexually fulfilled by each other. That's for 37 years.
> 
> And I made a vow.
> 
> I second Entropy Read ""His Needs, Her Needs" for a full version.



I think the world is very different place now then before and I think much harder to be committed. Women and men work more closely together, socialize, and have less time to spend together. Two income families are the norm and many live high stress lives. I am reading interesting book and it says the #1 person where people have affairs is work.


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## anchorwatch

I agree, men and women mix now more than ever in the work place. My wife and I have careers and raised a family. I worked in a career with the highest of divorce rates. The trick is if your needs are satisfied, it's less likely to stray. You must work at fulfilling each others needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

I talk it over with my wife. I tell her what the temptation was wearing, what the temptation looked like, why I was tempted. Seriously, we talk it over. Once it's out in the open the temptation loses power.


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## tacoma

I stay out of situations where I`m likely to be "tempted".

This works for me 95% of the time.

The 5% of the time it`s thrown in my lap because I`ve failed to see a situation coming I just think of the complete and utter destruction of everything and everyone I love by my own hand.

It`s not usually difficult to overcome temptation with that vision in your head.


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## Entropy3000

anchorwatch said:


> I ask my wife to come up to the bedroom.
> 
> Yes, I know that's not what you mean. But it means we are sexually fulfilled by each other. That's for 37 years.
> 
> And I made a vow.
> 
> I second Entropy Read ""His Needs, Her Needs" for a full version.


Good points. You are making sure that there is an active sexual relationship in the marriage. If you can keep the home fires going to where you continually not only have a good sex life but have that dopamine rush with your spouse you are in good shape.

I do not think we should underestimate the vows as a driving force for many. These require good boundaries. For sure someone who takes their vows seriously are more willing to put in the work.


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## Entropy3000

tacoma said:


> I stay out of situations where I`m likely to be "tempted".
> 
> This works for me 95% of the time.
> 
> The 5% of the time it`s thrown in my lap because I`ve failed to see a situation coming I just think of the complete and utter destruction of everything and everyone I love by my own hand.
> 
> It`s not usually difficult to overcome temptation with that vision in your head.


This is wisdom. 

I learned the hard way. I was too arrogant to see the dangers. I was immune. Sigh. Do your best to avoid the temptations. Don't play the game. 

I agree on the 5% as well. I suggest a man of substance thinks this way. 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## iheartlife

In addition to His Needs / Her Needs, you may also want to read the book Love Busters. It's a companion book by the same author. The theory is that the first book helps you bring romance to your marriage by each person understanding and acknowleding the other's core needs and working to be the person to fulfill them. The second book is about the fact that annoying and frustrating selfish acts can quickly diminish the hard work you may have been doing to fulfill your partner's needs.

Spending at least 15 hours a week one-on-one with your partner in quality alone time is another thing to commit to and strive for. Yes, it's hard with dual income, high stress modern living. I make the point now, for example, of eating dinner as late as 10:15 so that my husband doesn't eat alone. (or I will at least sit with him while he eats). I try to go to his office and have lunch with him once every week or two. I ask the neighborhood teenager to put our kids to bed so that we can take a walk or go to counseling. I do not watch TV in the evenings any more. If you are creative, you will make the time. You can go for short periods with less time, but if you do it for more than a few weeks at a time, you're asking for trouble.


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## Maricha75

tacoma said:


> I stay out of situations where I`m likely to be "tempted".
> 
> This works for me 95% of the time.
> 
> The 5% of the time it`s thrown in my lap because I`ve failed to see a situation coming I just think of the complete and utter destruction of everything and everyone I love by my own hand.
> 
> It`s not usually difficult to overcome temptation with that vision in your head.


My parents are weird. Yea, I know, odd way to start this reply. But it's true. Mom started out as a SAHM for years. Finally, when they could no longer survive on dad's income alone, mom went to work. She was very shy at first, but eventually, she got to where she was open and friendly. She got flirty, I guess you could say...but at the same time, she was embarrassed easily. She never strayed. And, it could have been very easy for her to stray. She loved dad too much to do that to him. And, he was fine with how she acted with her friends, for the most part. Anything he didn't approve of, he told her right away and she changed the behavior. 

Dad was a truck driver. He went all over the US. He told me about the "lot lizards" as the truckers all called them. He had one come knock on his truck door and proposition him. He was nice about the reply, but he told her, in no uncertain terms, that he was not interested. He said he "had a hard enough time taking care of the one he has...don't need any more than her!" Trust me, that comment was a compliment to mom, from dad.

Mom and dad will be married 39 years in October. WOW! Now I feel old (sorry entropy, I know you're around their age ) The point is, as long as you guard your heart, the temptation isn't much of a temptation. Took me a couple years to realize this, myself.


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## Coffee Amore

Temptation will happen. You're married, not dead. It's normal to be attracted to another person but flirting with them, fantasizing about them crosses the line. The key is to realize the catastrophic price you'll pay for your temptation if you go through with it. You'll lose your personal integrity, the respect of your family/friends, your ability to say you were one of the rare few who had a faithful marriage. You'll see your children ( if you have them) maybe every other weekend. You'll have to pay child support. You may lose your home, and your livelihood...all for what? Some false compliments, some ego stroking, a few seconds of an orgasm. 

A happy marriage won't stop an affair. Love won't stop an affair. Your religious faith won't stop an affair. People who are church goers have about the same rate of affairs as people who don't attend church regularly. None of those things are shields against temptation. Have good personal boundaries with the opposite sex. Don't talk about your marriage with an opposite sex friend. Don't bad mouth your spouse. Don't help an opposite sex friend with their marital problems. Resist the desire to rescue someone who has relationship problems.



enso said:


> I think the world is very different place now then before and I think much harder to be committed. Women and men work more closely together, socialize, and have less time to spend together. Two income families are the norm and many live high stress lives. I am reading interesting book and it says the #1 person where people have affairs is work.


You should read _*Not "Just Friends"*_ by Shirley Glass. It's a great book which will help you to understand the temptation of workplace affairs and the dangers of getting into close friendships with opposite sex colleagues. When a relationship with one's colleague has secrecy, sexual chemistry and emotional intimacy, one has gone from simple friendship to an emotional affair.


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## Shiksa

Its just like any other temptation out there, food, alcohol, drugs or even buying stuff. Knowing the consequences and evaluating the risk/reward ratio.

My husband and I have very clear boundaries, and we both know that if either of strays, that's the end of our marriage and family, no if and or buts. My mother taught me a marriage can survive most things except the triple A-abuse, addition, adultery.


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## jh52

I stop and imagine the look of *PAIN* on my wife's and children's faces.


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## anchorwatch

enso said:


> I think the world is very different place now then before and I think much harder to be committed. Women and men work more closely together, socialize, and have less time to spend together. Two income families are the norm and many live high stress lives. I am reading interesting book and it says the #1 person where people have affairs is work.


Again. Yes, the world is a different place. But make no mistake that what you experience is any different than what men and women have through history. They still lust for each other. And the same rules apply. You must both be committed to make it work.


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## MrVanilla

My first wife cheated on me during our marriage, and then charged me for it with the divorce... My current wife's ex-husband cheated on her during their marriage and took her for a large sum of cash.

We each believed in honor and commitment during our first marriages - but once you're on the emotional receiving end of a cheating spouse - that commitment becomes even more important. Sexual temptations just don't exist for us. We know what they cost, and we're not willing to pay that price.


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## enso

sandc said:


> I talk it over with my wife. I tell her what the temptation was wearing, what the temptation looked like, why I was tempted. Seriously, we talk it over. Once it's out in the open the temptation loses power.


That is interesting approach. my wife is close minded and cannot understand why a man would be temped at all. She thinks I am leading them on which I am not at all.


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## enso

Coffee Amore said:


> Temptation will happen. You're married, not dead. It's normal to be attracted to another person but flirting with them, fantasizing about them crosses the line. The key is to realize the catastrophic price you'll pay for your temptation if you go through with it. You'll lose your personal integrity, the respect of your family/friends, your ability to say you were one of the rare few who had a faithful marriage. You'll see your children ( if you have them) maybe every other weekend. You'll have to pay child support. You may lose your home, and your livelihood...all for what? Some false compliments, some ego stroking, a few seconds of an orgasm.
> 
> A happy marriage won't stop an affair. Love won't stop an affair. Your religious faith won't stop an affair. People who are church goers have about the same rate of affairs as people who don't attend church regularly. None of those things are shields against temptation. Have good personal boundaries with the opposite sex. Don't talk about your marriage with an opposite sex friend. Don't bad mouth your spouse. Don't help an opposite sex friend with their marital problems. Resist the desire to rescue someone who has relationship problems.
> 
> 
> 
> You should read _*Not "Just Friends"*_ by Shirley Glass. It's a great book which will help you to understand the temptation of workplace affairs and the dangers of getting into close friendships with opposite sex colleagues. When a relationship with one's colleague has secrecy, sexual chemistry and emotional intimacy, one has gone from simple friendship to an emotional affair.


Good points,

I find many people have their heads in the sand and are not proactive about this. They think it is easy and marriage is "solid". If marriages are so solid why are infidelity rates so high?

I don't think anyone goes with intention of having affair and if we can learn from strategies to avoid it and learn the consequences we will all be better off.


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## enso

EleGirl said:


> It's not hard at all.. see the two posts above.
> 
> 
> When I walk into a store and see something I really want, but do not have the money.. I don't steal it.
> 
> When someone gets be angry enough to want to bash in their skull... it don't do it.
> 
> When it would be easier to lie then tell the truth... it don't lie for my own benefit.
> 
> And when I see some hot guy... it notice but do not act on it...
> 
> I don't see cheating and sexual desire as being any different from the other wongs I chose not to do.


May not be hard for you but here are the stats on infidelity. About 30-60% find it difficult. 


http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see, Buss and Shackelford for review of this research). And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, when you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce (people are more likely to stray as relationships fall apart; also see, who is likely to cheat).


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## iheartlife

enso said:


> Good points,
> 
> I find many people have their heads in the sand and are not proactive about this. They think it is easy and marriage is "solid". If marriages are so solid why are infidelity rates so high?
> 
> I don't think anyone goes with intention of having affair and if we can learn from strategies to avoid it and learn the consequences we will all be better off.


Well, some people clearly do intend to have affairs, but I agree, very many others do not. Not sure of the stats in that regard. I would imagine most emotional affairs are unintentional, you can't become infatuated or fall into limerance by sheer force of will.


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## RClawson

It is interesting. When I was newly married (when I was 21) and after the honeymoon period wore off I saw temptation everywhere and was somewhat intrigued by it. As time went on and I began working closely with women, temptation shifted to admiration.

When I get to know a woman at this point in my life and discover what a lovely individual she is I ask myself such things as : How is this person not married? Are men just idiots? How come this woman's husband or boyfriend treats her like crap is he an idiot? 

Women that are loose do nothing for me at this point in life I find them to be shallow and a waste of space. Women that I gain respect for get the greatest degree of respect from me. That means I will never even slightly imply that I would be interested in engaging in reckless behavior that would diminish that respect and turn our lives upside down.


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