# Had "the talk"



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Went over to his house after work. Seems he always has some obligation between work, church and a gazillion friends (of whom I've never met but 2).

All I got out of 2 hours was all of the stuff he's dealing with now and the stress. How he was always looking forward to seeing me but then when he got depressed and started seeing the counselor and having to deal with the business of divorce it became overwhelming and he realized he needed to work on himself.

I asked if he wanted to date other people and he said no, he wasn't ready for that even though he thought he was when we started dating. I asked if we were on "pause" or "stop". He said definitely not "stop". I asked what that meant - keep in touch, see each other occasionally, no intimacy and see after several months how things are going? I said "I don't know". So I said again that I still didn't know. He said he wasn't going to date other people and he wasn't going to say stop to the relationship but pause maybe and that I would have to be the one to say stop.

He said he cared about me and my daughter but had to be honest that he wasn't in love with me. I said I didn't think he SHOULD be in love with me and that when I found out just last October he was still in love with the wife and it wasn't until he got naked pics/irrefutable evidence of affair on November 2nd that he stopped loving her and instead was angry, hurt, etc. I told him I thought when we met in March that he was further along than that because he had suspected affair(s) in the summer of 2011 and that was the last time they had sex.

I'm not feeling like going out and meeting anyone right now - now *I* am the one who needs some time to get over him. Meanwhile I'll see if he comes out of the fog or not and make my decision in a couple months. His counselor is sending him to a doctor for antidepressants. From what I've read on here that might really help his ability to LIVE again and feel again, maybe even including me... wondering if he'll come around or if he's just being a big ole wuss by not just ending it. Or if he really doesn't want to end it...

I don't want to be a doormat waiting around but I really hate to not give this a little longer when he's doing what he can to put his marriage behind him. So just taking care of me and trying to leave the relationship aspect alone. If a couple months go by and he doesn't feel any differently, I'll get back into the dating game. 

Thinking of taking a "me" trip between Christmas and New Year's to clear my head. Corpus Christie sounds nice.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think your plan of taking a trip sounds like just what you need right now!

It's hard to not feel like you're a doormat waiting around.I'm sort of going through the same with my exSO.Waiting around for him to become emotionally healthy.

But I do date and live my life...so should you in my opinion.When he's ready...if you're available and willing, you can try again.Now isn't the time it seems and waiting around can cause resentment.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Take care of your core and what it needs. Adjust to all the rest of it the way you would anything else. If you want to get out socially and get some perspective and have basic needs met for feeing good about yourself by all means do it and date. There are plenty of people out there who date socially and are not looking for commitment and there's nothing wrong with that, being in that world for a while. If anyone asks you what your relationship status is, you can afford to be honest, say that you're open-ended and undecided and enjoying the company of others, muddling through like a lot of people. You don't really owe much of an explanation, it's not like the date police are going to come along and say you're a fraud. I have a relationship like this I guess and honestly, I see nothing wrong with dating others while he's got his head up his b*tt. It would be short-sighted for those involved in relationships not to deal with the natural consequences of where they choose to put their own priorities and manage their own affairs. That's not the feedback that they need and while it may seem cruel to move on, even while keeping an eye on the rear view mirror and a sense of hedging, to do so otherwise would be even crueler. Look at is this way, it will remove your sense of resentment towards him while you're in the wait state. You don't really even owe him an explanation, your time isn't promised to him, he didn't ask for it, it's yours. Do with it as you see fit. No pressure, either for you, or for him.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I need a cool place to spend New Year's. Kiddo is with her Dad this year and I just bought a super cute little dress. I'm tired of not getting a midnight kiss and I'm gonna grab the closest male.

Sorry, was answering SB when I got distracted at work so it seems weird after Homemaker.

Honestly, I don't get to go anywhere, I don't turn heads, I can't imagine anyone asking me out unless I ramp up the on-line thing again.

Although it seems (and feels, a little) that I'm waiting for him, I think I'd rather just not seek that out right now. I'll be busy with holidays for the next 6 weeks so focusing on other things will be easy. January will be the time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

::happyhappyjoyjoy:

That's me doing a happy dance for you.

SO glad you had this talk!

Now delete this married man's # (haha I brought it up again!) and rid this dude from your life!!! 

You now get to be a sassy chick who isn't waiting to see how this is going to shake out.

Limbo is for losers!!!!!!!!! 

Rock on with your bad self, Enjoli!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm tired of not getting a midnight kiss and I'm gonna grab the closest male.


You will make some man very happy at the stroke of midnight.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You will make some man very happy at the stroke of midnight.


Hm - depends on how the random guy feels about a 40-something cute but plump mother of a teen kissing him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He will be overjoyed!


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Not sure where you live but we can cyber-make out at midnight if you want!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Not sure where I'll be for New Year's - thinking someplace warm, but I'll keep that in mind.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

You are worth someone who wants to fully invest in you though so maybe it is time to let this on go. 

Rock your new dress and get out there.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you'll be just fine.

I'm thankful I have school, work, kids, sedatives, new jeggings, dance dresses and good friends irl. Leaving an iffy relationship is difficult work to do. One must take it seriously and entirely or not at all.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I need a cool place to spend New Year's. Kiddo is with her Dad this year and I just bought a super cute little dress. I'm tired of not getting a midnight kiss and I'm gonna grab the closest male.
> 
> Sorry, was answering SB when I got distracted at work so it seems weird after Homemaker.
> 
> ...


I have seen your pic... I find it hard to believe you don't turn heads. Don't sell yourself short. You are an attractive woman. I hope you are letting this guy know to call you if he was to take it off pause. Just take it as shaking the dust off for now. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Not sure where I'll be for New Year's - thinking someplace warm, but I'll keep that in mind.


Hawaii is someplace warm... We have muscular tanned polynesian males (some of which are my relatives and friends) who would show a beautiful wahine (woman) like yourself a great time during New Years.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hm - does sound lovely and on my bucket list is a helicopter ride into a volcano. But flights from east coast US would cost a bundle plus hotel.  Thank you for the kind comments, though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'm thankful I have school, work, kids, *sedatives*, new jeggings, dance dresses and good friends irl.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Long live the sedatives!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

It's really amazing how many emotionally unavailable men are out there (imagine women are too). There's a few of us that seem to be in similar situation. I just feel they have the control, and we sit back being manipulated into waiting around for them to be ready, we can't do that, we need to move on with our lives. I get sucked in pretty bad, I end it, take a break for a few weeks, then it starts all over. I have to admit, I'm taking things more in stride, not taking things so seriously. I know I get stuck because I don't always feel good about myself, the fact that I was in a relationship where I was really sheltered from the outside world in terms of what it was like to date, have relationships that were healthy, it's kind of skewed my thinking I guess. I recently met a very nice lady accross the street, and she's damn smart, and gives me some feed back.

I guess what really bothers me is when I hear women on here talk about what their partners, supposed b/f's say to them that is so mean. Ok, it's honest, but really, saying that they're not attracted to them, that's down right hurtful. I think I would have lost it and lashed out verbally at that comment. Who says things like that??

I think when someone says they aren't ready for anything serious, you can still be friends, not close, and NEVER have sex with them until they can committ to something more serious, if that's what you want.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess what really bothers me is when I hear women on here talk about what their partners, supposed b/f's say to them that is so mean. Ok, it's honest, but really, saying that they're not attracted to them, that's down right hurtful. I think I would have lost it and lashed out verbally at that comment. Who says things like that??


To answer question...narcissist on weed, who is uncomfortable/unused to real relationship, where his partner knows his faults and likes him anyway. BUT, there's a difference between knowing faults and tolerating them because you can, and will, in order to be friends and lovers, and hanging around after you're told that when he considers you, he can no longer get it on, and he doesn't love you. I told him after, you know, if you lost attraction for me, you're probably depressed, because nobody else has. And he said, you're probably right. When I told him he was behaving like a sociopath and slightly narcissistic, he said, only slightly? So, he knows he has issues, I think the main thing is that he wanted ME to somehow fix it for him. Dude, if you're having trouble getting it up, don't love me and not attracted to me, you are NOT getting a BJ. I'm going home!


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