# What causes loss of attraction to spouse?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I've noticed a lot of comments here about no longer being attracted to your spouse and falling out of love. I'm divorced, but this is scary for a future relationship. What causes this? To be honest, I had never heard of this until recently. Some say they like their spouse, but just aren't attracted anymore. Is this just something that one wakes up to one morning, or does the spouse let themselves go physically, or was the initial attraction just infatuation? This is a scary concept.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There's an old saying:"Familiarity breeds contempt".


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO, I do not think people just wake up and say, "I'm not attracted to you, or I don't want to have sex with you." I think its probably more of a gradual process. 

I think loss of attraction can be a from a number of things. A spouse has let themselves go physically. Resentments that built up over time. I know from past experiences, resentments can kill a emotional and physical connection/attraction. I think lots of people think attraction can be just physical, but to me it usually goes beyond that.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

For the first three or four years, couples are infatuated with each other, but infatuation doesn't last forever.

For marriages to work, romantic love has to be transmuted to compassionate love. Compassionate love is the affection we feel for someone whose life is deeply intertwined with ours. It's very important to realize that this doesn't happen automatically; romantic love doesn't turn into compassionate love without work from us! It needs a lot of hard work to maintain a happy marriage!

(copied from a book, and I agree)


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> For marriages to work, romantic love has to be transmuted to compassionate love. Compassionate love is the affection we feel for someone whose life is deeply intertwined with ours. It's very important to realize that this doesn't happen automatically; romantic love doesn't turn into compassionate love without work from us! It needs a lot of hard work to maintain a happy marriage!
> 
> (copied from a book, and I agree)


Ha Ha , I was thinking Green pearl -you worded that So wisely -then you mention the book :iagree:


And everything Jamison said as well. It *is* a gradual process. 

I have chatted with so many here & just reading these forums, it is a constant theme -many spouses still found their husband or wife physically attractive - but because of the emotional distance, resentments that started to ensue , growing, festerig over time, all the rejection, disrespect, lack of healthy commincation, putting their jobs, friends , kids, over them , (could be anything!) --there eventually comes a point where the tide starts to turn , they start seeing that spouse with new glasses, they don't even want them anymore, can't even stand their touch. It is because they never delt with the pain, nothing was ever truly resolved, this withers anything that was once Good . They start dreaming of a new relationship where they feel they will find what their spouse has not giving them. In these cases, it is not the Physical but the emotional. 

Sometimes spouses do let themselves go physically, they feel so secure in the relationship- once vows are taken, he will love me even if I gain 100 lbs! They get a little too comfortable, they start taking the other for granted, not even caring how they look, dress, in front of them. They only put makeup on if they are going out. Why? We should always be wanting to look our best, even more so with the one who we *want* to desire us , to keep the spark going. These things should never be lost. 

My husband has told me if I gained too much weight , he would still love me, BUT he would loose desire (that attraction) for me. Would it end our marraige, probably not, but our sex life would suffer. Then I would not be able to deal with that, and I would want out. So for us, the physical is very very important. For some, it means little though.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

My husband is a very sexy man, fit etc. However, there was a time in our marriage, where I had built up so much resentment towards him for his drinking and other issues etc, that I was no longer attracted to him. Everything for ME had to do with the emotional connection, once that was lost for me, the attractiveness for him was gone, both emotional and physical. We have since worked through many things, with counseling and him being in AA etc, so its all starting to come back. Slowly but surely its coming back just as it did when it left.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

southbound said:


> I've noticed a lot of comments here about no longer being attracted to your spouse and falling out of love. I'm divorced, but this is scary for a future relationship. What causes this? To be honest, I had never heard of this until recently. Some say they like their spouse, but just aren't attracted anymore.  Is this just something that one wakes up to one morning, or does the spouse let themselves go physically, or was the initial attraction just infatuation? This is a scary concept.


Well I think it can be a fairly complex issue ranging from physical characteristics to resentment from consistently making withdrawals from the love bank.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ha Ha , I was thinking Green pearl -you worded that So wisely -then you mention the book :iagree:


Our living examples prove his theory is right! 

A great book I am reading, feel my life is being reassured by him. I think yours is too! 

Live a simple life, accept the imperfection in life, sex is about two people's pleasure.......................too many good points in that book. My husband keeps on telling me that he likes this author. 

I get all my ideas from books I read. I am able to read and apply their advice in life. I feel very good about it. Very often I talk to people, talk about their problems, and they say: I know the theory, I know it is not good for me, I know I shouldn't be greedy or jealous, but I just can't help it. 

Well, after three years of reading, I am able to do it now.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Has anyone found them selves fallen out of passionate love and into more of a caring type love ? how would one get the passion back or can it even be done ?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Loss of attraction can't be attributed to any one thing. It varies for each person who is feeling that loss of attraction. They all have their own reasons for why it's happened. I doubt very much that it's a sudden thing. It might be a sudden realization, but the process to getting to that realization took a lot longer.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

one thing that has affected my attraction toward the wife is resentment. that was built around her not taking care of things that were important to me, that i have clearly communicated to her on numerous occasions. these things are not unreasonable at all and do not involve intimacy. secondly, her probably harbouring resntment towards me and NOT communicating what her needs are. i am left to try and read her mind.


----------



## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

For me it was resentment..


----------



## anacata (Feb 13, 2011)

For me it is resentment, hurt and anger at my husband never seeming to accept me as I am. He is very controlling but puts on a nice guy face for the world to see. He has no clue how I see him and believes that he himself is just a nice guy and a victim to the world. The few times I have pointed it out to him if he hurts me he is genuinely sorry and tries to make amends. I find my sexual desire coming back if he is able to keep this up for longer than a week or 2, but he always falls back to his old ways.

For other people it may be because the spouse gains too much weight, or quits trying to look nice. 

I agree it IS scary, and very upsetting. I guess it's a chance that we all take in love and life.


----------



## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> one thing that has affected my attraction toward the wife is resentment. that was built around her not taking care of things that were important to me, that i have clearly communicated to her on numerous occasions. these things are not unreasonable at all and do not involve intimacy. secondly, her probably harbouring resntment towards me and NOT communicating what her needs are. i am left to try and read her mind.


I agree its the resentments. First the lack of sex over the many years post children. K, I lived with it, but when I went back to an office job versus working for myself. I asked her for some support also, a part time job. For a few more years we fought over this, multiple times I worked 40+ days without a day off between two jobs, plus a killer commute. I have gotten to a point where its too late and I HAVE lost mental attraction to her. Yea, she finally got the job, I don't care anymore. Now she is the one who wants sex, I am here for the final year both kids are living here, if not for that I would of already filed.

My point is for us guys, we can take a lot of sh*t, but as some point we are pushed too far. We do not have a specific point when we have been pushed too far. As I reflected with my IC, the last time I was rejected by my wife (shortly after she was hired) I figured out I had been pushed too far months and or years previous to it. I am not willing to recommit. 

I am lucky that I have no desire to wind up in an affair. My theory is that this is why guys tend to get sucked into affairs is that they have been pushed for so long, then fine someone meeting their emotional needs and they have been lost of months and years, not even recognizing they have been lost for so long. Uggh.


----------

