# If it weren't for my kids.. I think I'd be out the door!



## tommy.shann (Apr 14, 2009)

During the 10 years of my marriage I have developed a feeling of deep sadness and feel I am comprimising the the core values of my life way too much.

Let me give you two examples that are really eating at me and maybe you guys could help.

1 - After years of living in small cape style houses (which my wife complained about very much) I was finally able to build a beautiful house for my family. I put my sole into this house, and fully knowing it would be a disturbance to our living I made the best possible arrangements I could took make the building process painless to my family... the whole project only took 4 to 5 months. Everyone I know loves the house, compliments us on it all the time, I even have people asking me to give them advice on additions they want to do. 

My wife, however, has not stopped *****ing about it, nagging about every little thing that isn't quite finished, etc. Really really making me feel defeated about the whole project. And hasn't showed any appreciation towards it.

2 - This one is more important, Since my first child was born alomst 7 years ago my wife has had a problem letting my family (mom, dad, and sister) spent quality time with our kids. By quality time I mean taking them to lunch, or a movie once or twice a years. The only time my family sees my kids is when we visit them as an entire family. The thing is, my wife lets her mother do whatever she wants with the kids any time... and insists that her mother or sister are the only ones that could babysit them when we go out.

Now my parents are typical normal loving people, there is no "catch" here.. for the life of me I can't understand my wife's problem or "trust" issue with them. Anyway, I have expressed to her that this is a source of embarrassment and humilation for me.. to not let my mom take my daughters to lunch.. it's killing me. And my mother acts like a saint about it.. she doesn't nag or anything, but I know deep down it bothers her. So last night I blew up at my wife, screamed at her telling her it's not fair, etc.

Now of course it's all my fault for yelling and so on. I apologised for screaming and told her she didn't deserve to be talked to that way, but she is still acting like I am out of line, givin me the cold shoulder, and still not understanding why I blew up in the first place.

What to I do, am I missing something.. is this my fault?


----------



## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

A lot of the time when we women nag and pick at things there's a bigger, underlying issue. I'm sure you're house is gorgeous. Are there other things you argue about besides the house? There have been many times I found myself nagging and picking at my fiance for weeks on end just to realize later I was stressed about something completely unrelated to our relationship. Is there anything going on in her life that she might be having trouble facing head-on?

With regards to letting your 7-yr-old spend time with your family, have you asked her what her reservation is? Do they live far away where one-on-one time would mean a long trip alone for your child? Has your wife had a bad experience with a family member when she was young? I can think of reasons a mother would act this way but with only the information you've given she is out of line. Time with one's family, even extended family, is such an important part of growing up and enjoying one's grandchildren has to be one of the most delightful parts of growing a family.


----------



## tommy.shann (Apr 14, 2009)

My parente live 10 minutes away. All I ask is for two hours once in while for a special lunch or movie. My wife didnt' have any bad experience being alone with parents when she was a kid. In fact, she talks how great all the times she spent with her grandparents were when she was a kid.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Sounds like your wife's wearing the pants. She is not the sole parent of those children so she doesn't get to solely decide who they spend time with (barring anything potentially unsafe about your family). What would happen if you TOLD her that your daughters would be going out to lunch with grandma/pa on x date at x time?


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Oh, as for the house thing ... does she show this same kind of ingratitute and berating in other areas?


----------



## tommy.shann (Apr 14, 2009)

Well, what I have done is to say the kids are going with my mom on a certian day and time. Now she is mad at me.. she says it's because of the way I yelled at her.. but I truly didn't think I had any other options and just lost it. I apologized for that, but not for saying they are going to spend time with their grandma.. 2 damn hours.. that's it.

And yes, she nags about other things besides the house.. her minivan - brand new lease, no less.. her clothes, her body, her friends, etc..


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

doesn't sound like you even like her very much... why don't you just leave her? 

I do know that there are always two sides to every story. I'd be curious to see her viewpoint on all of this. Are you sure it's all just her?

it's is almost never all one person... that is just a fact....


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I agree that your kids should get to see YOUR parents. 

You & your wife both have the responsibility of raising your kids. To limit them to only one set of grandparents/family is simply cruel to everyone. 

The next time you both plan a night out and she wants her parents/family to baby...tell her to go out alone and you'll stay home with the kids. Then take them to your parents. 

Grandkids was what broke up my GF and I. Her daughter blackmailed my GF saying that she'd never see her g'kids again as long as she continued to see me. I never asked (let alone demanded) anything otherwise! Four+ years down the tubes...sigh... 

Take your kids along with yourself to your parents. Don't drop them off and leave them...your wife will simply show up shortly afterwards and "pick them up". 

DEMAND of your wife that both sets of family will have EQUAL time with your kids (or no time with them...that's equal, too)! It's the only fair thing to do. 

Her attitude is totaly unreasonable (from what you've told us). 

As for her continued complaints...if she was one of my kids, she'd get spanked for that kind of attiitude.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Tommy,

It sounds like you've already taken the first step toward becoming an equal partner in the marriage. Nice work! You should feel empowered and thus no longer have need to explode with emotion. It's good that you have taken a stand now because the longer it went on the worse you would feel and probably begin to hate your wife. The balance of power in relationships is a key element. Each couple has to find the balance that works for them. It sounds like your wife thinks that she should have all the power and be the focus of everything that goes on. Thus, you get no credit or appreciation for the house and it probably burns her that other people are praising you for your efforts. ( I put a huge addition on our house that came out great. It made a huge difference in my family's comfort and everyone who visits loves it. My wife has yet to say one word in praise or appreciation......but this is your thread) Your wife, like mine, does not sound like an emotionally generous person.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

My wife (soon to be ex) is the same way when it comes to my parents, but hers...oh lord! She's there all the time and gives them priority over our 2 year old. When we are visiting my family, all she has to do is give me the look and I know its time to go.

No its not fair.

My friend, you married a woman with problems that go way beyond you. I'm sooooo sorry that you had so many kids with this woman. Now for the meat of the matter...you allowed this. I'm sorry, this is harsh, but you need to start respecting yourself and you need to stop giving so much..._you_ are a codependent...'nice guy syndrome'. I'm this way too...and let me tell you, we attract these type of people.

I can spot these bad apples from a mile away now, and your wife is one of them. I'm going to go out on a limb here and bet she has a personality disorder. Which one is up to you to find out. I'm willing to bet she was abused, molested, and or raped.... 

This is emotional abuse. Your wife is emotionally abusive. She is controlling and she tries to isolate you. She nitpicks because she needs an excuse to punish. She wants to punish you...constantly...and you enable her.

If you change your niceguyness, and continue to show self respect, and everything gets out of control and she throws you out, I'm sorry but it will lead to divorce unless you submit to her again. Unfortunately, you two breaking up (if thats what happens) should have happened while you were dating when she started acting this way here and there. You just put up with it to the point where you have no room to breath.

Tell me...has she cheated yet? Does she flirt a lot with others...to the point where you feel it crosses the line? Does she ignore you in social situations, especially around her family? Does she lie a lot?


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I think perhaps we need to keep some perspective here... KMdillon is the only person that even offered any solutions, or questions to ask, to try to get to the bottom of what might be going through his wife's head. Perhaps he wanted to be able to come here and just trash his wife and have everyone else do it along with him, who knows...

I know, that everyone on here knows, that many men, consider a woman even Speaking , to be the definition of "nagging" geez...

I can ask my husband what he wants for dinner, and he'll still try to say I'm nagging... you can bet I set his As* straight after that too.

or, men think that a woman saying... "honey, could you please hang that door that you've been promising to hang, for the last 6 months..."

could just be that his wife is sick and tired of living in a house that isn't finished... it could also be that she's a total ingrate.

but I know one thing.... I am pretty certain that all the blame can't be placed on her... clearly there is some resentment on her part. hmmmm ???

I think that perhaps, all the "man power" is going a tad too far... he never said she cheated, or was abusive, or anything else. Clearly he's still with her and loves her. Or maybe he doesn't, who knows...

If these were a bunch of women on here bashing like this, all the men would be all over it, calling it "male bashing"

I have always wondered why woman bashing is somehow more accepted... I'm Sure I'll be hearing from certain posters , after these comments... but the fact remains, either this dude wants help, which means admitting His contribution to the problems, or he wants to bash his wife to feel better...

just my .02


----------



## LauraMacky (Oct 27, 2008)

marina72 said:


> I think perhaps we need to keep some perspective here... KMdillon is the only person that even offered any solutions, or questions to ask, to try to get to the bottom of what might be going through his wife's head. Perhaps he wanted to be able to come here and just trash his wife and have everyone else do it along with him, who knows...
> 
> I know, that everyone on here knows, that many men, consider a woman even Speaking , to be the definition of "nagging" geez...
> 
> ...


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well first, yes I'm a man but my comments are not gender oriented whatsoever. 
I hate it when things become about gender because then I feel the need to hold my tongue and analyze everything I say and keep a score board of sorts regarding who I'm talking about.

marina72 and Laura....can _you_ guys see past the gender roles? I really do not see him talking about little everyday things that the wife is just asking him for help with. Really. 

I think its hard for you two to understand what it is to live with someone that is like this...that is constantly attention seeking, that needs to cause a stir, and thinks of ways to punish you for not showering them constantly. I'm willing to bet at the beginning of this relationship, tom showered her constantly with attention and love and understanding, but never did he get that back, and if he did it was strings attached. When his attention is diverted from her she becomes emotionally abusive. She also feels the need to isolate him because she is afraid of anyone else not only taking *his* attention away from her but doesnt want anyone _giving_ attention to *him*! 

This is very typical of emotional abuse...and no its not only women that do this. Actually I see this happen more to women.

tommy.sam is not in the clear. I'm trying to make him see that he has allowed this behavior from day one and its come to a point where he cannot breath. I'm not saying _allowed_ in any other sense but allowing himself to be around someone like that...thats what I mean. 

He can't control her, no matter how much attention he gives, no matter how much nurturing he gives, it will continue this way. He needs to continue to be a normal self respecting person, and if she decides to leave because of that, so be it, he should not act in any way to please her moods.

He sounds codependent. His wife sounds very _dependent_, and when she is not center of attention she becomes abusive. Do you not see that the house is symbolic? He put his soul into it...the wife knows that and lived through it and is very jealous of that! 

If it were the other way around, I would not hesitate to point this out. In fact I have posted a previously regarding a woman and her very needy and clingy husband.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

What makes you think he hasn't done just as much to damage her?

this is neither here nor there....

what this post is, is a bashing session of his wife, to include him. not a productive conversation about how he can get her to come around. And it seemed so one sided, that I had to wonder,,, just how his wife Really is. We all know that the person telling the story, will make themselves out to be far less to blame, than they actually are... this is human nature.


----------



## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Tommy, what do you think about what Tim said? Does that sound like the beginning of your relationship? I think either way you need to sit down and talk with your wife. You got your explosion out so hopefully you can stay calm this time. Ask your wife questions about what she sees as the real problem. If she's truly nagging all the time she probably wants to find a solution too.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Good post KMDillon....

Now we are talking...


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

marina72 said:


> *not a productive conversation about how he can get her to come around.*
> 
> *And it seemed so one sided,*


Marina, I respect you and I consider you an adult so I'd like to think we are having a conversation and not anything else....I'm not bashing you I hope you can see that, and I hope your not bashing me and I will assume your not.

About what you said. This IS absolutely one sided. Its not court, we are all posting up one sided posts.

And we should not advise anyone to try to do things to make their spouses come around. Isn't that enabling? I'm not sure if you were just being unclear. If you have suggestions for him then please, post them, you are welcome to do so, because it seems your not putting up any suggestions here at all and your doing exactly what your complaining about. Whats going on? I sense a lot of anger in your posts...but I guess thats another topic.

Back to tommy's issues.
Anyone in this situation needs to concentrate on taking care of themselves and their responsibilities. He's NOT responsible for his spouse. If the spouse(husband or wife) never comes around then its totally on the spouse because it's their responsibility to do that. 

Tommy, you should write down your needs and your feeling associated with them and sit down with your wife and talk like adults.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

plenty of people on here post about their issues, and point out things that They could have done better, or that they did to contribute to the downfall of their marriage/relationships.....

I respect your opinion,, but I respectfully disagree..

no one ever said it was "court" and by the way, the "courts" are the most unfair, biased places in the USA.... don't doubt it...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think that you and your wife have established a pattern where she figured out she can get her way, even if that "way" is not in the best interests of her kids, by keeping up the low-to-mid-level offense going, knowing that you will acquiesce to her demands in order to avoid a greater conflict.

Then eventually you blow up about it. At that point she is validated in her believing that she needs to control things even more because to her you are an out of control jerk who now needs punishing.

Also at this point you are even more frustrated because you do not like it that you lashed out at her verbally. But you still do not have the problem resolved.

I have no idea if your wife has any big gripes about you, the house building, etc. I do know how frustrating it is to live in an unfinished home though. Just keeping kids out of a potentially dangerous area in the house can be stressful.

You know, power tools, saws, exposed electric, etc.

Sometimes women go long on family control issues when they feel as though they do not have financial control.

How do the two of you make the big decisions? Did you agree to the housing change or did you do it all by yourself?

I think you ought to arrange to see a marriage counselor and address the family visits thing, the complaining thing, and the conflict avoidance thing.


----------



## LauraMacky (Oct 27, 2008)

marina72 said:


> What makes you think he hasn't done just as much to damage her?
> 
> this is neither here nor there....
> 
> what this post is, is a bashing session of his wife, to include him. not a productive conversation about how he can get her to come around. And it seemed so one sided, that I had to wonder,,, just how his wife Really is. We all know that the person telling the story, will make themselves out to be far less to blame, than they actually are... this is human nature.


I agree with you again. My husband and I need counseling. And I don't think it's just him. But my husband thinks it's just me. I'm not saying that the men and women are always in these roles, they could be reversed. But when one person blames everything on the other and doesn't take responsibility for the RELATIONSHIP, then there's an even bigger problem.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

i never said it was just her. Perhaps the one sidedness is on the reader's end.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

that is true Laura... you make a very good point. 

Okay Tim, like I said, we can agree to disagree... 

at any rate, I do hope that this guy can work it out, with his wife, as they have kids together.. and it's worth a long hard try.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

It is the nature and weakness of this medium that we will always only have what the poster gives us. So we respond to that information knowing that it might be incomplete. The thread author should understand this as well as those responding. Otherwise we could let every thread turn into a point counter point or male vs. female exchange that might tell us more about the responders then help the thread author.


----------



## LauraMacky (Oct 27, 2008)

I'm thinking that it is SO true about posting on the internet and in forums where it's kind of a conversation. Without the tone, it's hard to really get what people really mean. Unless someone is an outstanding writer, you can take one post and interpret it several different ways. Patience and understanding on line go a long way.  This forum does sound like a good place, from the few posts I've made and read. So many sites aren't.


----------

