# Dating after Divorce



## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

How difficult was the transition for anyone who experienced this?? My situation isn't set in stone yet but I'm get stressed out on occassion thinking of this adjustment after being married for a few years and together with my spouse for over half a dozen. I think I'd be out of commission for at least six months before this crossed my mind....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Our therapist indicated that the standard recommendation in terms of trying to re-establish a healthy relationship is to wait a year. Work through your baggage, do some self-assessment, think about what you do, and do not want in your next partner.

You want to start dating because you feel ready to start dating, not because you _need_ to start dating in hopes of ditching whatever pain or inadequacy you feel resulting from the dissolution of your marriage.

I originally scoffed at the idea of waiting a year. I became involved in a relatively brief relationship after separating. But soon realized that the mess of my marriage was far from over, and the conditions would undermine any chance that the relationship could grow and prosper.

There is no real time line. Just be honest with yourself about your reasons for seeking a new relationship.


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## string72 (Jun 21, 2009)

You can start from casual friendship. Once you feel comfortable hanging out with people, you can start something serious than casual. It can be very difficult to start dating after so many years of being with someone. You can also start from online dating sites like promatching.com, pof.com where you can start chatting and then if you like them, you can mutually step forward.

Just take it easy in the beginning, without stressing too much about commitment and stuff.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Don't bother with "trying to date" and try and bridge to a "relationship" immediately. Just go out with women and socialize.


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## cliffy (Jan 14, 2010)

You consider is you would continue your b4 think of dating... You too might reconcile in no distant time.

Your Ideal Guy Or Lady
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cliffy (Jan 14, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

I don't know about the year thing. I am not saying it should or should not be a year but in my case i started dating immediately--not because I wanted a relationship to replace my ex but because when i was with the new person I felt good and it was an emotional distraction. Is it fair to the people you are dating--hard to say. I think a lot of the answer to that depends on whether you have been truthful to the people you are dating. I don't provide a lot of details as to what happened. My standard line is "we did not address a lot of small problems over the years and let them become big problems. She wanted a divorce and although I wanted to work on it and stay married it became very clear to me very quickly that it takes two people who want to stay married for there to be any chance at all and since that wasn't the case I was the one who filed for divorce and go tthe divorce."

Some of them are scared to death of me as a recent divorcee and some are okay with me. I tell each of them that I am not looking for a wife, a new mom for my kids, I am established and just looking for nothing more than good company with no expectation of success or failure longer term. It was weird sleeping with someone different though after 18 years of being married.


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## Sun (Nov 23, 2009)

As a recent divorcee myself, I find that as much as I miss companionship it is important to find yourself first then start getting out there and just meeting people with no intentions of dating. You must make sure your feeling for your ex are gone and wont carry into another relationship. I think that is why people are afraid of divorcees.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Sun, your position makes a lot of sense logically speaking. I am prety close to my parents and my mom specifically so it was a shock when she looked at me over Thanksgiving after patiently listening to little blurbs about this girl and that girl that I was seeing or planned to and said "If I were a woman that you were talking to I would turn and run like hell from you." Of course I hadn't been thinking about things from the woman's perspective--only my own. And then she said "you need to pay very close attention to what you are doing with women for the next year and specifically their feelings and go out of your way to avoid hurting anyone" so .....she is right. I now find myself dating a woman who had her guard up and I saw that as a total challenge and now after 2 mos of dating she is really into me and i am not sure that feeling is mutual. I like her a lot but I don't see any way this turns into a permanent thing so ....I now find myself wanting to date other women and although the one I am dating and I have not explicitly talked about exclusivity I know what her expectations are and it would really hurt her if I were dating others besides her. What to do what to do.


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

JMAN777,

I think every situation is different and there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this topic. In my situation, my ex let me know she wanted a divorce. We lived together for 13 months thereafter. For part of this time I was trying to fix the marriage while she was making preparations to leave. Divorce wasn't something I wanted, but at some point I came to the reality that divorce was not avoidable. I began the healing process months before she finally moved out. In fact, she filed for divorce and we had almost everything worked out before the move. A few months later I began dating a wonderful woman. I'm sure there were some problematic feelings that I brought with me into the new relationship, but those have now passed too. I mention all of this because it is an example of how different situations can be.

This is just my observation. The people who believe their marriage is solid and then suddenly their spouse leaves/divorces tend to have a longer recovery period after separation. Those who have known for months or years that separation/divorce is coming start to heal even before the split and therefore the recovery time after separation is shorter. Again, this is just an observation and I know it is not applicable across the board.

As mentioned by others above, be honest with yourself. Figure out what you want from a relationship. Maybe even more importantly, figure out what you need in a relationship (5 Languages of Love!) and what you are willing to give to someone else. 

I've found dating fun and refreshing. I have always enjoyed being in a relationship. I love companionship, intimacy, affection, etc. I guess my advice is: When you are ready, go for it. Don't get hung up on time frames. If you're ready in a few months, great. If it takes a year or more, that is fine also. I don't think it is something you should stress over (easier said than do, I know). I wouldn't set an arbitrary time frame. You mentioned waiting 6 months. That's not unreasonable, but there isn't really a way to know how you'll feel in 6 months. Again, its arbitrary.

I don't know your story, but I'm sorry you are at this point in your marriage. I rarely post here anymore, but those who know my story also know that I generally loath divorce. I wish you the best of luck.

Blind


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> How difficult was the transition for anyone who experienced this?? My situation isn't set in stone yet but I'm get stressed out on occassion thinking of this adjustment after being married for a few years and together with my spouse for over half a dozen. I think I'd be out of commission for at least six months before this crossed my mind....


I prescribed myself a mourning period and once it was up, I forced myself to date.

Here's the thing, IMO. .. the "mating game" is part of being human and I found "chasing women" (my office manager says it in a less flattering way what I am "chasing", lol) made me feel human again.

In a way, it's kind of easier the second time around. The rules are different, you have kids, there are many "logistical" concerns that werent there before but going through a divorce, well, that's the mother of all rejections. When a woman turns me down for a date, well, that ain't nothing. When I was younger, I had a harder time dealing with it.

Have fun, try not to talk about the divorce, enjoy the co. of the opposite sex and jump in and take the plunge.

Good luck.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Ditto Scannerguard. I LOVE going out with women these days. I have money to take them out, nobody has to play games, you can sleep together if you want--or not. You can look a woman in the eyes and say "I'm going to kiss you because....." and not have to worry about it. Dating was something I jumped into for self esteem but something I stay with because its just plain nice to have someone "into" you.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

LOL. . . I forgot I had answered this thread awhile ago and it's good to see me journal my thoughts.

6 weeks after, I still feel the same way - mostly, although I feel a bit wiser.

Here's what I feel I have done right so far:

1. Go out with a date and successfully connected physically and emotionally with another woman. great for the reason i outlined and thanks for the validation.

What I feel I have done wrong:

1. I don't know. I maybe feel like, b/c my life is so screwed up with the divorce, that I kind of needed a "transition woman" who needs a "transition man." I am going out with a woman tommorrow night for a drink who I asked out 6 months ago who said no, we were casual co-workers but then turned around and asked me out. She's been thru a painful divorce too.

She said she would never settle down with a man like me - a man with young kids. I get it so I initially thought it wouldn't work at all.

But I bet she is up for a fling or friends with benefits. In fact, she pretty much said it. Perfect - we can "practice" dating on each other and practice for the right man and woman and be good exclusive friends - 1-3x/month for something casual and fun for an indefinite period of time.

I am in a relatiionship right now and will probably exit for this, even though she's a wonderful woman, the total marrying type. I am just not emotionally ready and wish I kind of realized that before.

Anyway, before a year, I would only recommend "DATING", no relationship. I should have been more firm with that but I was thinking I could balance it all, and I just can't.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

It is funny reading this thread, I have been physically separated from a 17yr marriage for 3 months, but really about 2 years despite living with my wife, today I dated a woman who has been divorced 1 year, we met on-line and had been talking daily about 1 month, daily led to hourly including texts, some calls were over an hour, she is not one I would normally check out physical wise, but the conversations were stimulating and non-sexual, anyway after deciding to meet face to face for the first time, we were both admittedly a little nervous since we really liked talking to each other, the lunch went great and like I stated not someone at first glance I would've dated, but after lunch and while walking it seemed natural to stop hug and give each other a little kiss, we held for awhile then kissed again before I walked her into her work...now I wonder what is going to happen, she's been divorced a lot longer than me separated, she text me tonight telling me she couldn't sleep thinking about our hugging and kissing, maybe because it's been awhile for us both, but either way it is not going to end there, it's after I wonder about.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I've been divorced for coming up on 7 yrs now. I'm in a new relationship (well, somewhat new...together about a year). I got divorced because my former husband was lying, cheating, and abusive. I had a very close male friend whom I'd known since a couple years before I got married. After my divorced was final, I briefly dated him. He was my best friend, and I think it was more of a transferring of feelings than anything else. As I said, it was brief, didn't last but a couple of months. I then dated a couple of other guys, but they were all only 1 or 2 dates before it fizzled. I then didn't date for about 6 years. Until I met my boyfriend, I didn't date. Part of that was due to kids, part due to my issues from my marriage. 

There is no set time frame for when to start dating again, in my opinion. You start when you want. For me, it was about 6 yrs later (or maybe I was just waiting for Mr. Right and didn't want to waste time on all the Mr. Wrongs). For you, it might be 6 days or 6 weeks. It's up to you. When you feel ready, that's when you date. You do need to take time to deal with the ending of the marriage, though. You need to take some time to look at why it ended, what role you played in that and how to change that the next time, and what he/she did that was unacceptable to you and how to avoid that. You also need to decide what you want to accomplish with dating: do you just want to casually date and go out with various men/women for fun and entertainment, are you looking for a casual relationship, a semi-serious one, a long term but unmarried relationship, an open one, one that will lead to marriage? Having kids can also affect this, too. Depending on their age, dating can be easier or harder, you also have to decide if you want someone that will help you create a new family (acting as a stepparent to your existing kids, possibly having more children together, etc) or if you just want someone for you and you alone. 

There are so many factors that go into dating after a divorce, and no one else can tell you when you'll be ready. You'll know when you're ready.


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## aalina387 (Feb 8, 2011)

*How to get a girl to like you*

Its really funny to hear.There is no set time frame for when to start dating again, in my opinion. You can start when you want.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

Just go out and date. Do it to heal. Do it for practice. Do it for companionship. Do it for sex.

Just do it.

You're welcome


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I agree 100% with blind, our situations are similar - I had stayed in my second marriage several years after my stbx went into a down spiral, increasingly distant, losing interest in sex and my company. I lost feelings for her as her depression deepened and she refused to deal with her mental and physical health, while I greatly missed the emotional and physical connections we had previously. I spent a lot of time in 2010 (I am retired) writing and thinking.

In November 2010 I moved 3,000 miles west, started putting my life in order, and started dating. I met a lovely, interesting, bright woman, one of a half dozen or so I went out with, and found we both really enjoyed each other. Our libidos match very well, when we're together we are comfortable, feeling as if we've been together for years, we are not bored. This isn't a fairy tale romance, we both have health issues, we're both in our 60s, but we are crazy about each other. We are sharing the good and bad, the joy of driving each other crazy with words and touch, simple meals we make for each other, the death of her mother, aches and pains, financial concerns.

Sadly/happily my leaving was the push my stbx needed to start to deal with her mental and physical health issues - she finally started counseling, she finally found a dr. to look at her as a whole human being, not the three who saw her as either lungs or GI system or breasts. 

I went through my grieving in 2010, I'm not in rebound mode, at 62 I'm comfortable with my own company, prefer being together whether reading at breakfast, reading, watching TV, falling asleep next to each other, waking, making love, all of this and more is very satisfying.

To those of you reading I hope you can resolve your marital issues successfully whether by staying married or divorcing. Please don't sit on the fence, find a good friend or counselor, talk to your spouse, move forward. There is life after marriage - together or apart.

I say this as the 28 year old wife of my nephew lies in a coma, surely dying, as my 63 yo close friend of 30 years grows weaker and weaker after five years fighting ovarian cancer, as the 54 year old wife of a good friend deals with Stage IV lung cancer, and as someone who has attended far too many funerals of men and women who were my age - from 18 to 60. Please try to live each day as if it were your last because it could be. 

Carpe diem!



blind said:


> JMAN777,
> 
> I think every situation is different and there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this topic. In my situation, my ex let me know she wanted a divorce. We lived together for 13 months thereafter. For part of this time I was trying to fix the marriage while she was making preparations to leave. Divorce wasn't something I wanted, but at some point I came to the reality that divorce was not avoidable. I began the healing process months before she finally moved out. In fact, she filed for divorce and we had almost everything worked out before the move. A few months later I began dating a wonderful woman. I'm sure there were some problematic feelings that I brought with me into the new relationship, but those have now passed too. I mention all of this because it is an example of how different situations can be.
> 
> ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I've gone in starts and stops--at some periods, I'm looking forward to meeting new people and just having fun, at others, I'm in hermit mode--just me and the kids. Mostly the latter. I have recently met someone I like (over the phone, at least) and we have our first date coming up---and I'm looking forward to it. I just like to meet people; I'm friendly and comfortable with people I don't know (in a safe setting) and no matter what happens, I never consider it a waste of time because I always learn something new, even if it is just "nope, not seeing that person again," which is usually b/c there is no connection at all even if we have a nice time. 

I haven't gotten physical with anyone so that hurdle still needs to be crossed, but I will just let things unfold. I have no problem saying , "No" for any reason, so I don't feel pressure, and I do not get myself into situations that may be difficult to exit. I dated a lot before I got married and felt like I was "good" at it, so I'm hoping that past experience--now 25 years old!--will stand me in good stead. 

If you can relax and just open yourself to enjoying meeting new folks and have no expectations, you will likely be either pleasantly surprised or just able to walk away with more experience. Those are both positive outcomes.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I guess the "rule of thumb" is a good idea (one year) as a safeguard about jumping into a relationship if you are still holding onto the past.

I began dating a few months after the divorce and 8 months after the separation. I went in for "fun" and wasn't looking for a thing. I felt positive; good about myself; and open minded. 

I figured that I wanted meet new people at the very least. 

I ended up dating a guy for about a year now-He's a good person; fun; and we are compatible. I'm allowing someone to date me and treat me well. We aren't living together or getting married soon. I'll leave that up to time. 

I was married young for 25 years to a good man. 

Right now, I feel like a blessed woman. No pressure here. I am self supporting; smart; independent; fun; not looking to have any more kids. I'm not looking for pressure.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Mid-thirties guy here, got married in my early twenties. My marriage is heading for divorce. 

I'm obviously not ready to date yet, but I was curious about how the dating scene is today. I've been out of it for quite a while, i.e., when I was in college girls still had hair "down there." It all seems quite frightening!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm not an expert, but believe the internet is about the only way to go for those of us no longer in college. I like PlentyOfFish because of its methodology, some people like ******* - they work very differently so you should plan on being on these sites and other free sites. 

The women I've dated disdain illiterates, guys who tell them they have x+ inches, or contact them with pictures of c**ks. 

I suggest you post several pictures, include one with your kids if you have them, and have a woman edit your profile. The more you say about yourself the better your chances. 

Take risks when contacting potential dates, call them early on, and try to see them fairly soon. I've been dating women over 50 and they haven't changed their expectations since the 70s - the guy should pick up the tab even when she offers to share, suggest a wine, a place to go, call or email afterwards telling them you enjoyed their company and can we go out again. Small presents don't hurt if you think you're moving forward.

You are courting, you might get lucky around the 3rd or 4th date with women close to my age, your and your date(s) are looking for love and affection even if they are no longer 17. Everyone has a non-perfect body, everyone has no idea how to proceed, so recognize there is no one way, play it by ear.

Expect a lot of dates to be complete failures.

Expect your dates to be as scared of commitment as you are.

Magic won't necessarily happen, but you might have some enjoyable times.

Good luck.



SoCalKat said:


> Mid-thirties guy here, got married in my early twenties. My marriage is heading for divorce.
> 
> I'm obviously not ready to date yet, but I was curious about how the dating scene is today. I've been out of it for quite a while, i.e., when I was in college girls still had hair "down there." It all seems quite frightening!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am screwed in this part

edited to attempt to deny my situation


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Sun said:


> As a recent divorcee myself, I find that as much as I miss companionship it is important to find yourself first then start getting out there and just meeting people with no intentions of dating. You must make sure your feeling for your ex are gone and wont carry into another relationship. I think that is why people are afraid of divorcees.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Not divorced but have never had sense of 'self' and ALWAYS had companion. Never even in schools years did things outside of a relationship. Hence, I self suffer tremendously now.


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## jesslelan (Mar 30, 2011)

JMAN777 said:


> How difficult was the transition for anyone who experienced this?? My situation isn't set in stone yet but I'm get stressed out on occassion thinking of this adjustment after being married for a few years and together with my spouse for over half a dozen. I think I'd be out of commission for at least six months before this crossed my mind....


you can try with online dating sites it is really help you to forget your past...


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

I joined pof for a couple of reason, 

1, a friend advised me to...ok lame i know but yeah i did

2, to take away the feeling of lonliness in the first weeks, months.......again maybe a little lame but it helped.

3, the ex made me feel nothing but fat and ugly, so maybe aving guys thinking your preety is good for the ego......ok realised that most of then say your pretty coz they think it'll get them in you drawers,but what the hell, if someone wants to say i'm pretty then i'll let em. doesn't mean i have to meet them


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

gypsygirl said:


> I joined pof for a couple of reason,
> 
> 1, a friend advised me to...ok lame i know but yeah i did
> 
> ...


exactly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm freshly divorced (as of Monday) after an almost 8 yr relationship with my now ex. I have no desire to date. Does that make me weird? 

I just can't fathom a relationship right now. It seems exhausting, the idea of a relationship.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

No Jellybeans...not wanting to jump straight back in to the relationship merry-go-round is a good thing. You have a lot of "you' to become re-aquainted with. Enjoy your singleness....have fun with it....really make the most of it. You'll never be sorry if you do.

Good luck on your new beginnings!!


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