# Never thought I'd be the LD spouse



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm a healthy male in my mid 40s and desire sex 2-3 times a week. So to call me LD is a stretch. But compared to my wife, I am the lower desire spouse as she could have sex almost every day right now. My reason for posting is that none months ago we were Sexless and watching our marriage circle the drain fast. Although we were both contributing to problems in the marriage, the sexless status of it was her doing, she had little to no desire for sex and when we did have sex it was boring. 

After deciding I wasn't going to live like that I gave her an ultimatum, we fix the marriage or end it. The next months consisted of a lot of work on both our parts and a lot of emotional pain as we worked through or issues. We were having sex once or twice a week, but it was a battle, often causing arguments. One of the main reasons was that she was a child sex abuse survivor and had never gotten help. She claimed it did not effect her, but it was easy to see that it did, Especially in our sex life, where she was extremely reserved. 

In January this year we had a huge blow up over sex that nearly ended our marriage, but it finally got her to see that she did need help for her unresolved sex issues. She entered therapy and to show my support, I turned over total control of our sex life to her. It was up to her to initiate. I did this on the advise of a friend to take pressure off her. I fully expected our sex life to evaporate. To my shock it remained at about 1-2 times a week. 

During that time I was doing a lot of reading to help our marriage and self improvement. I also did a lot of research on dealing with sex abuse survivors. Several of the books I'd read were by a woman in Texas who specialized in helping ladies with sexual issues of all sorts. She also co-hosted a pod cast on sex in marriage that i listen to.I came to find out that she offered a 4 day intensive small group (6-8) session. Not ever thinking that my wife would ever want to go I sent her a link to it asking her if it was something she would be interested in. To my amazement she wanted to go. There was one in mid June that worked with her schedule. 

She did go. It was very hard. Twice she called me crying saying she wanted to come home. But she got through it and is a totally different woman. Much more free and happier than I've seen her in 20+ years of marriage. Also, her appetite for sex is off the charts. I'm I getting to know a completely different woman, our marriage has never been better. 

Nine months ago I was consittering divorce. Today we have a fairy tale of a marriage and renewed hope. Her therapist also told her that she probably didn't need him anymore. He is going to check back with her in two months to see how things are going. We both know there's work to do. We both have to work on communication. Letting each other know our needs is a weak area for both of us. But we are working in it and holding each other accountable. 

I can't wait for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there are a couple other members here posting about wife with child sex abuse unresolved issues. Maybe you can post some more details on how you solved it. they would want to know

see frazzledsadhusband's post


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I would not call her issues totally resolved. The four day sexual issues counseling she went to did help her to put most of her bigger issues behind her and set her free from a lot. The rest that she is still working on she now understands why and how they effect her allowing her to minimize their effects which has set her free like I've never seen her. What she attended was Christian based (which many have a problem with), and including airfare, hotel, etc was not cheap. But she wishes she had done this long ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Of course this is encouraging to read. It is good to hear that you both are doing well.

I am curious about something... now that she is higher desire I wonder what you will do to accommodate her...?

There is a challenge in this for you now. It is interesting that when one person wants change and the other changes then the first person is confronted with the need to change also.

My advice for you would be to expand your idea of what sex is.

Of course I know nothing about you and your wife now, and I am assuming a lot, but in general I think that men can think of sex as being PIV, and involving orgasm for themselves, but sex can be so much more than that.

There is a thread on TAM about giving affection and expecting sex to follow. I didn't really follow it but I think that it speaks to a certain lack of understanding that men have about physical relationships and sex.

My point is that you are now with a woman who wants more sex with you. If you are able to keep up then great, but if you don't want that much sex you could offer to meet her needs in other ways. That might be doing for her and you taking a pass. Or it might be just kissing and touching. This might meet her emotional needs without the expectation that you should have to perform sexually.

And maybe it is really the connection that she is seeking. Again, many assumptions, but men can be rather independent and aloof, except when engaged in sex, and so women will seek out sex with their man when all they really want is connection.

Anyways, it is good to read that you are doing better, and I hope that you do post links for those that might benefit from this kind of resource. 

And good luck with your future. My feeling is that the old dog is never too old to learn new tricks...


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

great story....i am happy for you and your wife. have fun keeping up with that wildcat.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Kudos to you for finding the seminar and making it possible for her to attend, and kudos to her for doing the hard work.

Great thread...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. I learned about establishing an emotional connection during lovemaking in my reading early on. Now I crave that connection more than the physical gratification of sex. That alone has helped our sex life as I have been willing to make something a priority that is important to her. 

I also learned to peruse her and flirt with her outside the bedroom and at times when sex is not possible. She knows that I desire her for more than just sex, so when I do approach her for sex. I'm not turned away. Almost forgot. Along the way we rediscovered passionate kissing. I tell ya. Sometimes a little petting and making out while cuddling on the couch can be just as satisfying as sex. 

As far as keeping up with her. That's not going to be a problem. I just want to give this a little time to see where she settles in. For many years she carried a great deal of shame and anxiety with sex. All that is gone now and she is experiencing guilt free sex for the first time in her life. She is discovering her sexuality and wants to try new things within the bounds of our marriage (we don't play those games). I would describe her as a teenager that just discovered sex and can't get enough of it. I imagine she'll level off after awhile and things will slow down a bit. Right now we are learning each other sexually after over 20 years of marriage. It a blast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Ray,
Your story has put a smile on my face and made my work day a little more bearable. It's so awesome to see a success story here on TAM. It can actually get a bit depressing seeing all of the never ending problems and marital strife. Good for you! It sounds like you have done a good job in doing some investigating and supporting your wife. It also sounds like your wife has taken some courageous steps to deal with her issues more effectively. As a Christian, I'm glad that the faith-based program she attended was able to help. I'm happy for you and your wife.


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