# Am I being jealous for no reason? Wife has a close guy friend.



## livingfree (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi there! I am 27, and married the girl I fell for when I was 13.
Quick back story: We met, started "dating" (as much as someone that age can actually date). Before starting high school, my family and I moved to another state. While we tried to maintain a long distance relationship, it's just not viable for someone that age. Around the time of the split she admitted she messed around with another guy. We kept in contact and talked throughout the 2-3 years we weren't together, and remained fairly close. After high school we got back together and we got married a couple weeks before I turned 21.

Fast forward to now: Our marriage has been great, 6 years and we've outlasted friends who have already been married and divorced in that period of time. Well, in the last year or so (can't remember when it began), she started talking with one of her old friends...we've hung out with him before...but it's been a few years. He, actually, is the one the my wife hooked up with in the past. But, that's never really bothered me, I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together. So, I don't think it's a deep-seeded defense over that.

The problem is that, as nice as I honestly think he is...and I do think he's nice. I just feel uncomfortable with his behavior towards my wife, a bit flirtatious and a little inappropriate. Well, because I felt guilty for being jealous I attempted to shrug it off. But the problem is that I feel they have gotten really close, and I've never seen her behave the way she does with him with any other friends and it just makes me feel uneasy. In fact, I feel like she sees him as more emotionally relevant than she sees me at times. I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.

But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said. But when I confronted her about it she said she didn't delete anything. When I checked the phone bill it showed that there was a text that was sent but isn't present on her phone. And lately is seems like when I come into a room she is exiting from her texts very quickly, so now...on top of everything else, I fear she is texting him things and deleting them and lying to me about it.

It's now gotten to the point where I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to perpetuate anymore negativity between us. I've been really depressed lately, and it really sucks.

On another note, the amount of sex we have has decreased a decent amount lately. I love sex, and when we have sex it's mind-blowing amazing sex, but we rarely have sex more frequently that once every week or every other week, which I'm used to...but this is all happening with this guy and it seems like her desire to have sex with me is decreasing even more lately. It's bummed me out because the issue with this other guy in conjunction with the decreasing frequency of sex makes me feel less desired both emotionally and physically.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

they arent friends.
the opposite sex cannot be strictly friends.


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## livingfree (Aug 27, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> they arent friends.
> the opposite sex cannot be strictly friends.


I don't subscribe to that school of thought, so much. Her and I both have friends of the opposite sex, it's never been an issue before. But this level of closeness? No, I suppose not. She certainly talks to him in a different way than she does other friends, and it makes me uneasy.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Oh m gosh!!!

Im frustrated with you!
There is absolutely NO boundary set for her to be spending time with the opposite sex. Especially a man she has previously had sex with. Fuel is the fires best friend.
You are willingly let her do this to you!!!!!

You have to ask her not to see him anymore. Cut hi completely out of your lives unless you really want it to ruin your marriage more than it already has.
They are bonding over the past, romancing on old sparks and sexuality. Her loss of passion with you is now fleeting towards this man. It wont being that amazing sex with him that you state you have.

Have you talked with her about this?
I am curious to know what all she thinks and has to say about it!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

livingfree said:


> I don't subscribe to that school of thought, so much. Her and I both have friends of the opposite sex, it's never been an issue before. But this level of closeness? No, I suppose not. She certainly talks to him in a different way than she does other friends, and it makes me uneasy.


men and women are meant to mate.

there isnt a boundary here for either of you to close the doors on what can come into them.

how much time do you spend with the opposite sex, anyone inparticular that you see or talk with more than the other?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

To answer your question, no you are not jealous for no reason. I firmly believe that jealousy is our warning bells when something is wrong.

She is lying about deleted texts, being intentionally deceptive. She is telling him your marriage problems (which is one of the starting sloops for an EA). Finally, the sex has decreased.

At the very minimum, this is an emotional affair. At the worst, it went physical. The decline of sex is worrying to me. I think if it didn't go physical, it will soon.

If I were you, I would get a book called:


Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. It explains what occurs before, during, and after an Emotional Affair.

Also, I think you confronted her too soon. Gather evidence that their is an affair. Once you have enough for yourself, confront. She is going to deny it because cheaters almost always follow a script.


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## livingfree (Aug 27, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Oh m gosh!!!
> 
> Im frustrated with you!
> There is absolutely NO boundary set for her to be spending time with the opposite sex. Especially a man she has previously had sex with. Fuel is the fires best friend.
> ...


We have talked about it. The first time it came up when they started hanging out, I mentioned how I'm not sure about how comfortable I am with him hanging out with her because of his flirtatious behavior. She said that if it bothers me that much she won't hangout with him.

I said, "No, I don't want to stop you from hanging out with someone because of me...I'll just deal with it, and hopefully it goes away."

Well, now, after much more time has passed I think that my uncomfortable feelings have only been amplified and gotten worse and have now focused on her actions as well as his.

I've told her numerous times how I'm not getting anymore comfortable with it, and she doesn't understand why I "can't trust her". And she doesn't like the fact that I started reviewing the texts between them. She leads me to believe that my fears are illogical (and I may be inclined to agree with her, to a degree...but I wish she saw things from my perspective).



> men and women are meant to mate.
> 
> there isnt a boundary here for either of you to close the doors on what can come into them.
> 
> how much time do you spend with the opposite sex, anyone inparticular that you see or talk with more than the other?


I mostly hang out with guys, but have a few friends that are girls, but don't spend any particularly significant amount of time hanging out with them or talking to them...definitely nowhere near a daily basis. But, I think you're missing the point. Even if she talked/hung out with some of her/our other guy friends as much as she does this guy, it wouldn't bother me. I suppose I'm focusing on the "chemistry" between the two, rather than the mere amount of time she takes talking to him.


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## livingfree (Aug 27, 2012)

Writer said:


> To answer your question, no you are not jealous for no reason. I firmly believe that jealousy is our warning bells when something is wrong.
> 
> She is lying about deleted texts, being intentionally deceptive. She is telling him your marriage problems (which is one of the starting sloops for an EA). Finally, the sex has decreased.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice, I will look into that book.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

It turns out that your fear of being irrationaly jealous has been unfounded. Your jealousy seems to be completely valid and appropriate. She is behaving in a way that is making you insecure in the relationship which means it is time to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and end the contact between them any way you can. She is well on her way to an emotional affair with this guy, if it isn't one already. By the way, the LAST thing you do in this situation is not bring it up. Avoiding conflict is not only unattractive but it will lead her to lose what little respect she has left for you. You are on the verge of losing your wife. Discard your previous philosophy on opposite sex friends and conflict as it seems to have bitten you in the butt. You are officially in competion with this guy for your wife's affections and he is winning..... FIGHT!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

livingfree said:


> We have talked about it. The first time it came up when they started hanging out, I mentioned how I'm not sure about how comfortable I am with him hanging out with her because of his flirtatious behavior. She said that if it bothers me that much she won't hangout with him.
> 
> I said, "No, I don't want to stop you from hanging out with someone because of me...I'll just deal with it, and hopefully it goes away."
> 
> ...


I am not missing the point.
The time is what builds that chemistry.
Talking leads to questions, to curiosity, then the next thing we know....the cat is dead:/

It doesnt matter if she spent less time with him, or not. She will go back to him every oppurtunity and commit to him in the same way she has been.

She should have said that she wont spend time with him and leave him alone period if she truly cared about what you said. There shouldnt have been the "IFFFFFFFFFFFFF" there. thats a flag.

Means she is hoping that shed get the exact response out of you that she did.


Ive been the cheater. All i know is that you are making the path easy for her and she is now getting defensive. Its all there.

Act on your feelings, that is why you came here because you are hoping that you arent right when you know you are.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> He, actually, is the one the my wife hooked up with in the past. But, that's never really bothered me, I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together.


:slap:

Ok so they need to teach this in school. This is way more important that the other subjects. Why do we keep seeing this?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Given her behavior why are you inclined to agree with her that your fears are illogical.?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

livingfree said:


> I don't subscribe to that school of thought, so much. Her and I both have friends of the opposite sex, it's never been an issue before. But this level of closeness? No, I suppose not. She certainly talks to him in a different way than she does other friends, and it makes me uneasy.


Too bad you have been so naive. Life is a tough teacher.

EXs should never be allowed. 

You have let another man into your marriage. Yes she is responsible for the affair but a man who allows this situation is not protecting the marriage. 

It has to end today. Total NC.

Do not fear to be the man. She is attracted to the man who takes what he wants.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

livingfree said:


> We have talked about it. The first time it came up when they started hanging out, I mentioned how I'm not sure about how comfortable I am with him hanging out with her because of his flirtatious behavior. She said that if it bothers me that much she won't hangout with him.
> 
> *I said, "No, I don't want to stop you from hanging out with someone because of me..*.I'll just deal with it, and hopefully it goes away."
> 
> ...


You have low self esteem. Unwilling to do your part in the relationship. Basically you gave her permission to have an affair. That you are not worthy of her fidelity. That the OM is better than you.

You have some kind of phobia with manning up here. Not sure why. But you need to stop the conflict avoidance. You do not need more evidence. She is in an affair. Tell her she must go NC.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Time for you to draw the line my man and have the talk with her. This relationship has to end and end immediately, no ifs, ands, or buts; and you need to be firm about it. If you don't stop this relationship now, she'll be sleeping with him, and not you, in very short order.


livingfree said:


> I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.


Please tell me where you got this horsesh1t from? I've heard the same thing from many guys here who only found out that their wives were bending over for their male "bestie". This Azzwipe has no place in your marriage and your wife has to know this in no uncertain terms. Time to Man-Up.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Countless of stories on this forum can be found from men and women who didn't want to seem insecure or controlling over an opposite-sex friend. It usually ends up being an affair whether it was physical or emotional. 

Listen to the advice above. I know it's conventional/old fashioned thinking that men and women can't simply be friends with someone of the opposite sex but really, the only time you should have a close opposite sexed friend is when you're casually dating said friends. Unless you're after an open-marriage set up, there is no place for another man or woman in your marriage. 

When it comes to opposite-sex friendships, the intimacy, closeness, sharing and bonding are already in place. All that's missing is the sex. As soon as one person starts feeling neglected or like their needs are being met better by the friend than their spouse, the door is opened for them to have an affair. The beginnings of an emotional affair is likely in the works for your wife - that's why you feel threatened/jealous. It's even more dangerous to you that it's someone she's hooked up with. It is much easier for someone (especially a woman) to sleep with someone they've already slept with vs. doing so with a stranger.

Where there is smoke, there is fire. Stop trying to be so unconventional for the sake of sparing her resentment over an already likely inappropriate relationship. She shouldn't be this close to another man and you shouldn't be this close to another woman. There is nothing wrong with having couple friends (that are friends with both spouses) so long as those friendships stay out in the open. However, private/personal attachments are a no-go. 

Set boundaries, nip this in the bud now and invest more time into meeting your wife's emotional needs and the marriage or you're going to get burned if it hasn't already been done.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

That was a work of art.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

livingfree said:


> We have talked about it. *The first time it came up when they started hanging out, I mentioned how I'm not sure about how comfortable I am with him hanging out with her because of his flirtatious behavior*. She said that if it bothers me that much she won't hangout with him.
> 
> I said, "No, I don't want to stop you from hanging out with someone because of me...*I'll just deal with it, and hopefully it goes away."*
> Well, now, after much more time has passed I think that my uncomfortable feelings have only been amplified and gotten worse and have now focused on her actions as well as his.
> ...


You're "not sure" and "hopefully it goes away"

Are you sure about anything in life? This says 'passive' to me. Your passivity will say to her that you find an affair just dandy because you are 'not sure' if you are comfortable and hey, maybe it will just go away someday.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Living....

When middleman says Man Up, he really means it.

You are young, and you are making some major mistakes in your behavior. 

For one, you are trying to be the politically correct man, free thinking, and assuming that's how relationships are supposed to be. In that, I mean, you think jealously is a negative emotion and it's all your problem that you are feeling this...and that by telling your wife you will deal with your emotions, you feel like a strong modern man.

Trust me...this is all bullshat. You know what jealousy is? It's an 800 million year old hard wired response alerting us that someone is trying to hone in on our mate, and possibly spread thier seed. This is not a bad emotion, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling it. The signs are obviously there. Your just trying to ignore them.

Why? Are you thinking that by being the "better man", your wife will see this and immediately realize how much she loves you? That's not how our behavior works.

What's going to happen is that the more time she spends with him, the more attached she will get emotionally. Then, all of a sudden, she's having an affair.

Time for some 800 million year old co(k blocking, my friend. You need to lay it on the line how you feel. 

She will give you every excuse in he book about how this is your issue. You are jealous. You are controlling. You are untrusting. ...and on and on....and on.

The fact of the matter is....you have a right to feel the way you do. They are your feeling. If she can't respect your feelings enough to stop her behavior, then that speaks volumes about her respect for you as her husband.

Don't ever be afraid to piss her off in this situation. Don't be afraid to lose her approval of you. This is about your self respect.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

livingfree said:


> Hi there! I am 27, and married the girl I fell for when I was 13.
> Quick back story: We met, started "dating" (as much as someone that age can actually date). Before starting high school, my family and I moved to another state. While we tried to maintain a long distance relationship, it's just not viable for someone that age. Around the time of the split she admitted she messed around with another guy. We kept in contact and talked throughout the 2-3 years we weren't together, and remained fairly close. After high school we got back together and we got married a couple weeks before I turned 21.


Ok, you married your childhood/high school sweetheart. No problem...technically speaking, my husband did as well (high school)..We even married his senior year in high school. But she had messed around with at least one guy during the time you were unable to be together. Fair enough. Understandable to be seeing other people when in high school.



livingfree said:


> Fast forward to now: Our marriage has been great, 6 years and we've outlasted friends who have already been married and divorced in that period of time. Well, in the last year or so (can't remember when it began), she started talking with one of her old friends...we've hung out with him before...but it's been a few years. He, actually, is the one the my wife hooked up with in the past. But, that's never really bothered me, I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together. So, I don't think it's a deep-seeded defense over that.


Let me make this clear: he is NOT an old friend... he is a past lover. Past lovers/ex's have no place in a marriage. There is always that "what might have been" thought going on.



livingfree said:


> The problem is that, as nice as I honestly think he is...and I do think he's nice. I just feel uncomfortable with his behavior towards my wife, a bit flirtatious and a little inappropriate. Well, because I felt guilty for being jealous I attempted to shrug it off. But the problem is that I feel they have gotten really close, and I've never seen her behave the way she does with him with any other friends and it just makes me feel uneasy. In fact, I feel like she sees him as more emotionally relevant than she sees me at times. I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.


You are uneasy for a reason. You suspect his (or maybe even her) intentions are not honorable. She relies too much on this man for an emotional connection. There is NO reason whatsoever she should be so close to this man. NONE! The jealousy is not going away because you know what I speak is the truth. Your feelings aren't irrational and you know it. Stop second guessing yourself and stomp this out now!



livingfree said:


> But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said. But when I confronted her about it she said she didn't delete anything. When I checked the phone bill it showed that there was a text that was sent but isn't present on her phone. And lately is seems like when I come into a room she is exiting from her texts very quickly, so now...on top of everything else, I fear she is texting him things and deleting them and lying to me about it.


I can tell you what the text likely says.... something along the lines of "I wonder sometimes if I should just leave, throw in the towel"... I suspect that any missing texts are rewrites of your marital history. And yes, she is texting him things and lying about what they say or that they even occurred. You have the proof that a text is missing and she claims there was no text. Really? You are unsure of what she is doing? Really????



livingfree said:


> It's now gotten to the point where I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to perpetuate anymore negativity between us. I've been really depressed lately, and it really sucks.


So... sitting there stewing is any better? Really? Dude, she is, at the very least, WAY too emotionally involved with this guy... and you're just sitting back, letting it all go on.



livingfree said:


> On another note, the amount of sex we have has decreased a decent amount lately. I love sex, and when we have sex it's mind-blowing amazing sex, but we rarely have sex more frequently that once every week or every other week, which I'm used to...but this is all happening with this guy and it seems like her desire to have sex with me is decreasing even more lately. It's bummed me out because the issue with this other guy in conjunction with the decreasing frequency of sex makes me feel less desired both emotionally and physically.


Man up and tell her to stop talking to this guy. She is likely in an emotional affair with this guy. Ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers have no place in the ranks of friendship. She doesn't see anything wrong with it because you ok'd it. You need to tell her to get rid of this guy.

Don't rug sweep this. C'mon now... you know we're right. Man up and get this guy out. You wife knows what she is getting away with. I did it myself... all the texts, closing my apps/texts real fast, all of it. Deleting texts and lying about them. She's emotionally involved with this POSOM (and yes, he is the OM) and this so-called nice guy thinks he can get away with this because YOU ARE LETTING HIM!


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

They're having an emotional affair. She might even be having sex with him already. If she had sex with him previously, it would be easy to continue it at a later point. Don't be fooled. You must do something about it before she leaves you for him.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

why are you married to her?

close friends of opposite sex never work in marriage.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Look. Plain and simple. You need to man up. Don't allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. If your wife hooked up with him in the past, he is a past lover. They can reminiscent about the old days, driving a further wedge in your marriage. 

Get some boundaries. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this. Do something about the affair that the two are in.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

RING! RING! RING!

Living, this is your wake up call! All the advice you've seen above is correct. This is at least an emotional affair.

I have always believed that if EITHER partner has a problem with any relationship the other has, that relationship should be ended for the sake of the marriage.

Ask your wife why the text bill doesn't match-up with her phone?
Ask your wife why she is sharing private issues within your marriage with someone else other than you
Ask your wife how she would feel if the situation were reversed and your were having the same type of relationship with someone you fved in the past

I think you need to do some more monitoring of your wife. Buy a voice activated recorder and place it under the front seat of her car. Get a keylogger and put it on your PC at home. Keep it all to yourself and monitor for a while. Do not confront further until you have rock solid proof.

Do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section. If she's not having an affair, I'd be surprised.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Right now, I think you are too passive to do anything about it. You probably won't do anything about it. You feeling jealous is a sign that something wrong with the situation. Your gut is telling you something but you are trying to repress it. Being jealous is not wrong. It might be wrong on how we react to it. She is about to cheat if she hadn't already. "Like" my post when you find about how she has been cheating.

You have a real chance of saving the marriage if you start acting right now. Tell him that you are not comfortable with his level of closeness and behavior with your wife. And the ultimate sin - snoop on her and retrieve her deleted texts(if she doesn't have a passcode, i am guessing she might have started using one recently.). You can ask help if you need to retrieve deleted texts

Your post is quite common. Usually the guy ends up finding about the affair/inappropriate behavior sooner or latter. Your situation is not special.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Ugh. Anybody who has inserted anything in your wife, no matter how long ago it was, needs to be gone.

Wake the F up, and nuke this "friendship" now.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

livingfree said:


> I don't subscribe to that school of thought, so much.


Don't worry mate... From your description of events you will soon subscribe. In fact i'm willing to bet you'll get a subscription for life...

Or you can do it right now and save yourself a divorce, if it hasn't gone too far.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Livingfree, you are very fortunate to have stumbled into this site and posted your story. Take advantage of the advice you're getting here. 

Study and learn how men and women are wired. It sounds like you're uncomfortable with feeling jealous, as if you think being jealous is a bad thing, something you should 'get over' and you probably think that showing jealousy makes you appear unattractive to your wife. I know, because I once thought that myself.

Now I've learned that taking charge and protecting your marriage and not allowing a third person into it is what makes you attractive to your wife. Don't be a Nancy-Boy!

Educate yourself. The book "Not Just Friends." Also read Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life blog...also his book. Also read the stories right here in the Coping with Infidelity section. You'll see that the situation is almost always worse than the worried spouse thinks. I hope that's not the case with your situation but I fear it is. 

Gather evidence quietly so your spouse can't call you crazy when you confront her.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

LF, I was you. I'm with my high school sweetheart (more or less). She had lots of male friends. It bugged me, but I never said much about it because I didn't want to be "jealous" or "controlling." She had a hard time being friends with most women, so I tried to look the other way.

She eventually had 4 different EAs, two of which were on the cusp of becoming physical and one that would have definitely become physical if insurmountable distance weren't involved. 

Please don't let the label of jealousy make you drop reasonable boundaries, like I did. Don't rugsweep.You can NOT look the other way on this issue.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

livingfree said:


> On another note, the amount of sx we have has decreased a decent amount lately. ...but this is all happening with this guy and it seems like her desire to have sx with me is decreasing even more lately. It's bummed me out because the issue with this other guy in conjunction with the decreasing frequency of sx makes me feel less desired both emotionally and physically.


Could be...as you wallow back and forth on this, act spineless, complain and get bishy about it...she's losing respect and desire for you. 

Choose to bury your head in the sand on this matter, or if you don't like this "friendship," lay down your boundary.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

livingfree said:


> She said that if it bothers me that much she won't hangout with him.
> 
> I said, "No, I don't want to stop you from hanging out with someone because of me...I'll just deal with it, and hopefully it goes away."


She was bluffing, she knew you would say that and knew you wouldn't call her bluff. There was no way she would have gone NC with him, she would have just hid it.



> She leads me to believe that my fears are illogical (and I may be inclined to agree with her, to a degree...but I wish she saw things from my perspective).


This is called "gas-lighting", its a form of manipulation.

What she is doing is HIGHLY inappropriate. When you are married you NEVER discuss your marriage issues with someone of the opposite sex, especially if they have a history together. That is how 90% of all affairs start (and she is already having and EA). 

Tell her to go NC with him and see how long that last.

Your M is in danger and I think both of you are in denial. You may need to start posting in CWI to get some feedback on how to handle this. You are not going to like what you are going to have to do to save this.


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