# Can’t believe this is still going on. OW is still here



## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Hi everyone. A couple of years ago I found messages on my husbands phone to another woman. These messages were highly emotional, more so than he ever has with me - and alluding to their affair also being physical. i confronted him and we spoke about saving our marriage. I thought she had been deleted. 
I have just discovered, he has KEPT her number. If it was over, why is her number there?
I keep numbers of people I never speak to. But not someone who almost cost our marriage. Or am I being stupid here? That as long as they aren’t speaking then it’s ok? To me that makes no sense?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He's probably still cheating. "Ok, I won't do that any more" is hardly working toward reconciliation. He's a lying POS. He might change, but it's unlikely.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> He's probably still cheating. "Ok, I won't do that any more" is hardly working toward reconciliation. He's a lying POS. He might change, but it's unlikely.


Hey, thank you so much for responding so quickly - I feel like I’m going out of my mind which I guess is why I’ve come on here to get impartial and honest advice. You wouldn’t keep a number like that for no reason would you


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Solostrightnow said:


> Hey, thank you so much for responding so quickly - I feel like I’m going out of my mind which I guess is why I’ve come on here to get impartial and honest advice. You wouldn’t keep a number like that for no reason would you


If I were truthful, I would make SURE not to keep that number, although he certainly has it memorized. Take this opportunity to tell us more about your situation. There are people who have been in your exact situation who will give you some great advice, albeit some you may not want to hear or believe. You're right to take action now. There's a lot you can do.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Hi everyone. A couple of years ago I found messages on my husbands phone to another woman. These messages were highly emotional, more so than he ever has with me - and alluding to their affair also being physical. i confronted him and we spoke about saving our marriage. I thought she had been deleted.
> I have just discovered, he has KEPT her number. If it was over, why is her number there?
> I keep numbers of people I never speak to. But not someone who almost cost our marriage. Or am I being stupid here? That as long as they aren’t speaking then it’s ok? To me that makes no sense?


Was deleting her number a specific point when you reconciled a couple years ago?
I wonder if he explicitly lied about it?

Or…the alternative… he didn’t do anything with it at all, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’s using it now. It’s possible…but really low possibility I think.

Highly suspicious and hurtful though, you are right to go on alert here.
Did you confront him? What did he say?

Can you verify if he’s using it or not through phone bills?
Any other red flags now? Or just the existence of her number?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Thank you. So we have been married for 5 years..a couple of years ago his phone went off in the middle of the night. I reached across as it was unusual and my first thought was maybe someone in his family was trying to reach him. The message was from someone called ‘Ben (work)’ - I opened to find hundreds, if not thousands of messages to this person. Due to it being on WhatsApp, I also saw that Ben was infact a woman, as her photo was next to it. 
I woke him up, we had a small baby at the time so I was trying to be as calm as possible..he said it meant nothing (even though the texts said otherwise). I said something in anger that I maybe shouldn’t have said but I was upset. I told him that if he doesn’t stop I will take his daughter away from him. 
I thought she had been blocked. 
fast forward to now..things have been ok. Not great, not terrible..
Last night I needed to get a number from my husbands phone as I had accidentally deleted it from my own. I haven’t checked his phone since the early days after discovering those messages, however for those of you who are on WhatsApp I do from time to time check to see if he’s online. 
I don’t know I can’t explain it, I had a weird feeling - so I checked. No messages.(I know these can be deleted) but she’s still there. There is no reason to keep her number other than a being in contact..that’s how I feel. Am I wrong?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

But say he isn’t using it, wouldn’t it just be easy to delete it if that was the case? 
no major red flags..I just don’t understand why he’d keep the number. To me it shows intention


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> But say he isn’t using it, wouldn’t it just be easy to delete it if that was the case?
> no major red flags..I just don’t understand why he’d keep the number. To me it shows intention


Yea, you’re right, he _should_ have deleted that thing years ago.
I think of all the bonehead things I’ve done because I just didn’t think. It forces me to realize the _possibility_ of him being innocent.

However, I say it again… you should definitely treat this like he’s in touch with her. Approach it the same way until you verify otherwise. The chances of him being innocent in this are small.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Thank you for helping me. Yes don’t get me wrong I have numbers of people in my phone who I do t speak to and who I’ve forgotten to delete..but considering how I originally caught him..I feel like he’s kept her number for a reason. Ok, say he isn’t speaking to her right this second..surely keeping it shows some sort of intention?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> I thought she had been deleted.
> I have just discovered, he has KEPT her number. If it was over, why is her number there?
> To me that makes no sense?


I suspect...

The marriage killing volcano has only gone dormant.

If and when the pressure builds up, and needing that release, her phone number remains handy.

This is nagging, jiggling and wagging proof that he has more than one scheming, steaming_ Plan B_.

He has yet to release his hope for more passionate fire and brimstone, a-coming with this woman.

I believe it is a hedge against your dumping him. If you do, her number will be warmly rung and sung.


_The Typist-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband has numbers on his phone of people he no longer has contact with purely because he just never gets round to deleting them.
Unless you can check if he is actually still in contact it's impossible to know if anything is going on.
Are they still working together?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Yes but not ones he had an affair with, surely he’d get rid of that?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

This - this is how I feel. I feel like there’s no reason to have her number there other than to be in contact and if it was really truely over he would have deleted her


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why don't you ask him? People can go around in circles all day with their replies but no one except him knows if he's still in contact or just stupidly never deleted it. 

How did telling him you'd "take his daughter away from him" go over? 

Cheating is heinous, but doesn't give you the legal right to take someone's child away from them. It's a nasty threat.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Why don't you ask him? People can go around in circles all day with their replies but no one except him knows if he's still in contact or just stupidly never deleted it.
> 
> How did telling him you'd "take his daughter away from him" go over?
> 
> Cheating is heinous, but doesn't give you the legal right to take someone's child away from them. It's a nasty threat.


well aware it was a nasty threat but I was upset at what I had just seen and I have owned that. Thanks for your comment. I’m asking if keeping the numbermeans something because quite frankly, forgetting to delete doesn’t make sense as it is a number that I’ve caught him with before.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

If you really need proof for yourself or if you live in a state where infidelity effects divorce proceedings (which isn't many I don't think) then you could get a VAR and put it in his car, or hire a PI. I understand needing that reassurance that you're not crazy. You coudl do it for your peace of mind if you want.

I got to the point where I got proof on my own that XH had been meeting with someone when he was pretending to make deliveries for his job. Got proof that he called escort serviecs. I didn't really need proof at that point that he slept with someone. I figured it was a logical conclusion and that was enough proof for me that I wasn't upturning my son's life for no reason. 

I guess the question would be, if you DID get proof he was cheating again, what will you do? Do you have someone close to you who you can talk to about all of this?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Why don't you ask him? People can go around in circles all day with their replies but no one except him knows if he's still in contact or just stupidly never deleted it.
> 
> How did telling him you'd "take his daughter away from him" go over?
> 
> Cheating is heinous, but doesn't give you the legal right to take someone's child away from them. It's a nasty threat.


I understand it was said in anger, but think of your child. Don't you want them to have their father, no matter what happens personally in your marriage?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> well aware it was a nasty threat but I was upset at what I had just seen and I have owned that. Thanks for your comment. I’m asking *if keeping the numbermeans something* because quite frankly, forgetting to delete doesn’t make sense as it is a number that I’ve caught him with before.


You already know the answer to that question…*probably*.

The real question is ‘what now’.

So what do you want to do next? Investigate and dig for evidence? Cut ties and divorce? Something in the middle, like MC and trying to fix things?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

_*if it was over between them, would it have been deleted? Sorry but I just feel like keeping it is keeping a door open. *_
*In regards to what I said, I had said that in anger. That’s not what I’m asking about on this thread I’m asking if keeping it means keeping a door open*.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's _possible_ that he forgot to delete the number and the affair really did end. It's far more likely that isn't the case though. 

If he really did forget to delete the number or just didn't think about it, then that shows your reconciliation wasn't handled properly. 

Chances are he is keeping the number for a reason. You could check his call records from the provider and/or use a VAR in his car, if you feel it's necessary.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do they still work together?
As for your question it's impossible for us to know. Does he usually keep lots of old numbers on his phone?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Sorry I know I’m probably coming across as stupid but if it ended, why keep hold of her details? Isn’t that carrying a lot of risk for no reason?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> Sorry I know I’m probably coming across as stupid but if it ended, why keep hold of her details? Isn’t that carrying a lot of risk for no reason?


Do they still work together?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Do they still work together?


No, they never worked together


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> It's _possible_ that he forgot to delete the number and the affair really did end. It's far more likely that isn't the case though.
> 
> If he really did forget to delete the number or just didn't think about it, then that shows your reconciliation wasn't handled properly.
> 
> Chances are he is keeping the number for a reason. You could check his call records from the provider and/or use a VAR in his car, if you feel it's necessary.





Openminded said:


> I once asked my husband that question. I had told him as part of reconciliation that he couldn’t be in contact with her and then I found a note on his desk with her number and a bunch of other random stuff (she was no longer listed in his phone and the note didn’t list her name but I had remembered her number). He said he just forgot he had it and then he immediately got rid of it. I bought his story, didn’t find her number hidden away again, and moved on. Years later, I discovered they were back in contact (he claimed she was the one who had contacted him). The truth is that cheaters can always find a way if they care to. The phone number obviously may mean nothing or it may mean everything. In my case, it meant everything.


So do you think that if he has it and as long as he’s not in contact with her, that’s ok and that means it’s over


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Solostrightnow said:


> So do you think that if he has it and as long as he’s not in contact with her, that’s ok and that means it’s over


It's not okay for him to keep the number. It doesn't necessarily mean the affair is ongoing, but he shouldn't have it regardless.

Either he actually forgot about it (unlikely), or he's holding onto her/the affair a bit.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If he’s still contacting her (which is the only reason he has her number, “I forgot” is a ridiculous excuse) then he’s not repentant and it hasn’t stopped.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ask him to contact her on the app, in front of you. His message should say, when am I going to get to see you again? The last time wasn’t long enough.

or something far more tempting in order to see what they’ve been up to.

if he refuses, have divorce papers ready to hand him. You can’t f around with lying cheaters. Until their ass is dangling in the wind, you get no truth and therefore no peace.

You have to have a plan to blow up his dreamland. Heck no he shouldn’t have the number. It’s a slap in your face.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don’t think your husband would be the first spouse to say what he thinks the other wants to hear when faced with the possibility of losing the marriage because of an affair. In that moment, most cheating spouses say anything to keep the marriage and they’re just in shock that they were caught.

People don’t change over night. He may not be talking with her now but I highly doubt it went from thousands of texts to zero once you confronted him. I would just ask him why the number isn’t deleted and see if you feel the answer to be genuine. If he tells you that he still talks with her on occasion but “it means nothing,” then you have a different decision to make.

I totally understand where you’re coming from, the number should have been deleted. But people in deep affairs can’t just a switch off those feelings so even if he did delete the number, I likely would never trust that it was totally over. (That’s just me)

Hope things get better one way or the other.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you asked him why he still has it?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I don’t think your husband would be the first spouse to say what he thinks the other wants to hear when faced with the possibility of losing the marriage because of an affair. In that moment, most cheating spouses say anything to keep the marriage and they’re just in shock that they were caught.


I know no one likes when I say this, but “second chances” for cheaters aren’t second chances to be faithful, they’re second chances to hide the affair better. Not dumping a cheating spouse is giving them permission to continue to cheat. If he cheated and nothing happened but long talks and tears (he doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t have cheated) then he knows he can cheat and you won’t leave. He wants a wife appliance/plan B for in between girlfriends. You’re prolonging the inevitable here.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

I know but this was supposed to


TexasMom1216 said:


> If he’s still contacting her (which is the only reason he has her number, “I forgot” is a ridiculous excuse) then he’s not repentant and it hasn’t stopped.


thank you. Someone finally said it - it is a ridiculous excuse! So him keeping it..so you see it as him biding his time? And thank you for your honesty, it’s so appreciated

I guess it’s just bothering me that people seem to think well as long as he’s not actively speaking to her then it doesn’t matter if the numbers there as it’s not being used - I just feel like keeping her number is like keeping a link to her and keeping a door open and if it was over with her..the number would have been deleted blocked etc


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> I know but this was supposed to
> 
> thank you. Someone finally said it - it is a ridiculous excuse! So him keeping it..so you see it as him biding his time? And thank you for your honesty, it’s so appreciated
> 
> I guess it’s just bothering me that people seem to think well as long as he’s not actively speaking to her then it doesn’t matter if the numbers there as it’s not being used - I just feel like keeping her number is like keeping a link to her and keeping a door open and if it was over with her..the number would have been deleted blocked etc


I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But the thing is he’s proven that he’s a liar who cares more about himself than anything else. You can’t trust him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it comes down to if this is a dealbreaker for you. It would have been for me, but it wasn’t for you, OP. And I can’t tell others what to consider dealbreakers but in my opinion, he likely didn’t end things when you assumed he did. Not because he’s evil but because humans can’t just turn on and off their feelings with a switch. Thousands of texts? That wasn’t just “nothing,” as he told you. They might be over now but keeping her number is not okay. It never was okay.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

How can it be ended if he’s keeping that link to her though? That’s what I’m struggling to get my head round. I guess people are going to need to explain like I’m 5 on here. To me, if he was commited to our marriage, her number would be gone. If it was over with her, the number would be gone. Keeping it surely means they either are or he intends to be in contact with her! I’m sorry if I sound stupid but am I wrong?!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> How can it be ended if he’s keeping that link to her though? That’s what I’m struggling to get my head round. I guess people are going to need to explain like I’m 5 on here. To me, if he was commited to our marriage, her number would be gone. If it was over with her, the number would be gone. Keeping it surely means they either are or he intends to be in contact with her! I’m sorry if I sound stupid but am I wrong?!


You aren’t wrong. If he was done with the affair and truly committed to you and repentant, there would be no trace of that woman anywhere.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You aren’t wrong. If he was done with the affair and truly committed to you and repentant, there would be no trace of that woman anywhere.


This.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have the means to find out. Why not see if he’s been contacting her? Get his phone and contact her through the app and pretend you’re him. It’s not hard. If he won’t let you have his phone, there’s your answer.

you have her number on the app on his phone.
You have the answers waiting for you.
Get them. But you will never get them until you get mad enough to leave him.

until you get there, no point in even bringing it up. Cheaters lie. It’s just what they do

Every
Single
Time


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You have the means to find out. Why not see if he’s been contacting her? Get his phone and contact her through the app and pretend you’re him. It’s not hard. If he won’t let you have his phone, there’s your answer.
> 
> you have her number on the app on his phone.
> You have the answers waiting for you.
> ...


That’s a brilliant idea! If the conversation picks up like they just talked recently, you’ll know OP.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

It shouldn’t matter if they have spoken recently or not. The fact he has it says everything doesn’t it? 


bobert said:


> It's not okay for him to keep the number. It doesn't necessarily mean the affair is ongoing, but he shouldn't have it regardless.
> 
> Either he actually forgot about it (unlikely), or he's holding onto her/the affair a bit.





Evinrude58 said:


> Ask him to contact her on the app, in front of you. His message should say, when am I going to get to see you again? The last time wasn’t long enough.
> 
> or something far more tempting in order to see what they’ve been up to.
> 
> ...





*Deidre* said:


> I don’t think your husband would be the first spouse to say what he thinks the other wants to hear when faced with the possibility of losing the marriage because of an affair. In that moment, most cheating spouses say anything to keep the marriage and they’re just in shock that they were caught.
> 
> People don’t change over night. He may not be talking with her now but I highly doubt it went from thousands of texts to zero once you confronted him. I would just ask him why the number isn’t deleted and see if you feel the answer to be genuine. If he tells you that he still talks with her on occasion but “it means nothing,” then you have a different decision to make.
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> You have the means to find out. Why not see if he’s been contacting her? Get his phone and contact her through the app and pretend you’re him. It’s not hard. If he won’t let you have his phone, there’s your answer.
> 
> you have her number on the app on his phone.
> You have the answers waiting for you.
> ...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> It shouldn’t matter if they have spoken recently or not. The fact he has it says everything doesn’t it?


He had a chance to make things better with you and didn’t. You know what’s going on here and you’re justified in standing up for yourself. No one deserves to be someone’s consolation prize. You deserve someone who loves and respects you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> It shouldn’t matter if they have spoken recently or not. The fact he has it says everything doesn’t it?


Yes, it says that he stepped on the second chance you gave him to make things right. He can’t undo what he did, but since you were willing to stay and work on the marriage, any spouse who wanted to be all in, would have deleted the number. That’s just my belief, anyway.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> To me, if he was commited to our marriage, her number would be gone. If it was over with her, the number would be gone. Keeping it surely means they either are or he intends to be in contact with her! I’m sorry if I sound stupid but am I wrong?!


If he wanted to heal the marriage when you found him out, he would have blocked all means of communication from him to her or from her to him. He would have deleted her number. He would have blocked her number. He would have gotten a new telephone and left it open for your inspection at anytime. He would have given you his old telephone.

He needed to block himself from doing the wrong thing. 

He did none of this, because the work needed to reconcile and heal wasn't done. You didnt lay out the boundaries and consequences. You made minor demands. So now you are back to square one. Who knows where he is. 

He may be totally innocent, but people dont go from 100mph to zero in no time. His OW certainly didnt. Do you honestly think him blocking her on some APP stopped any contact from her? Imagine if you were in OWs shoes. Are you just going to disappear because your OMs phone was blocking you? How about a note left on his car. How about waiting for him after work?

Btw, do you know who she is, how they met, when? Is she married too? If so does her husband know? If you know none of these things, why not? Your husband should have answered 20 questions several times when he was caught.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> It shouldn’t matter if they have spoken recently or not. The fact he has it says everything doesn’t it?


So what is your response going to be?
I’m curious why after this happened, you said you didn’t look in his phone until now. Why not?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

sideways said:


> You say you "owned" saying you'd take his child away from him (that it was a "nasty threat"), but what you actually said in your previous post was "I said something in anger that I MAYBE shouldn't have said but I was upset".
> 
> Saying "maybe" isn't "owning" what you said.
> 
> ...


This isn’t about a comment I made when I was hurt, this is about whether or not it means something that my husband has kept her number.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

sideways said:


> You say you "owned" saying you'd take his child away from him (that it was a "nasty threat"), but what you actually said in your previous post was "I said something in anger that I MAYBE shouldn't have said but I was upset".
> 
> Saying "maybe" isn't "owning" what you said.
> 
> ...


Her saying something when she’s angry (something all married people do eventually) doesn’t excuse cheating.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> This isn’t about a comment I made when I was hurt, this is about whether or not it means something that my husband has kept her number.


How do you know that threat isn't part of the marital dynamic now? Maybe he's keeping the contact information out of spite. You threatened to take his child away from him like you alone own the child.

Cheating sucks, saying you are going to take a child away from the other parent sucks, too. 

I'd never completely trust a person who threatened taking my child away, again. And no it doesn’t matter if said in anger. It was your first go to threat. You didn't say, the marriage will be over, you didn't say, I'll fall out of love. You did say, I'll take your child away from you. Who goes there first in a suspected affair? Geez.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> How do you know that threat isn't part of the marital dynamic now? Maybe he's keeping the contact information out of spite. You threatened to take his child away from him like you alone own the child.
> 
> Cheating sucks, saying you are going to take a child away from the other parent sucks, too.
> 
> I'd never completely trust a person who threatened taking my child away, again. And no it doesn’t matter if said in anger. It was your first go to threat. You didn't say, the marriage will be over, you didn't say, I'll fall out of love. You did say, I'll take your child away from you. Who goes there first in a suspected affair? Geez.


Not what I’m asking. But thanks for your input.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> Hi everyone. A couple of years ago I found messages on my husbands phone to another woman. These messages were highly emotional, more so than he ever has with me - and alluding to their affair also being physical. i confronted him and we spoke about saving our marriage. I thought she had been deleted.
> I have just discovered, he has KEPT her number. If it was over, why is her number there?
> I keep numbers of people I never speak to. But not someone who almost cost our marriage. Or am I being stupid here? That as long as they aren’t speaking then it’s ok? To me that makes no sense?


You’re not being stupid.

She should’ve been blocked, shunned, ignored, etc — removed from BOTH of your lives to the absolute furthest degree possible.

Who was she? Co-worker, friend of his family, mutual friend, …?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Her saying something when she’s angry (something all married people do eventually) doesn’t excuse cheating.


Please show me where I said anything that her husband cheating was "excused" or ok???? I'll wait??

In fact I specifically said cheaters are cowards.

Yes we all say things when we're angry. However I'm calling her out when she claims she took ownership of what was said when she was angry. Saying "maybe" I shouldn't have said this is NOT taking ownership.

As I said, and I will say it again, because obviously there's a few on here that do NOT understand this, taking "ownership" and truly being sorry for what was said (in anger or any other time) is saying "I was wrong". And more importantly not just saying it but truly understanding that it was WRONG to say and not well "maybe" I was wrong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> So do you think that if he has it and as long as he’s not in contact with her, that’s ok and that means it’s over


No, it’s not okay. He should have gotten rid of it. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he didn’t. No one will ever know for sure that it’s over except him. I was totally positive my husband was done with the OW but, years later, he obviously wasn’t.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

sideways said:


> Please show me where I said anything that her husband cheating was "excused" or ok???? I'll wait??
> 
> In fact I specifically said cheaters are cowards.
> 
> ...


Blaming her for this situation isn’t helpful.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> You’re not being stupid.
> 
> She should’ve been blocked, shunned, ignored, etc — removed from BOTH of your lives to the absolute furthest degree possible.
> 
> Who was she? Co-worker, friend of his family, mutual friend, …?


They worked for the same sector on a project but different companies..I agree him keeping is keeping that door open


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Blaming her for this situation isn’t helpful.


Thank you Texas Mom . It would appear she is more interested in something I said in response to discovering messages to another woman rather than answering my actual question. Thank you for sticking up for me though, it’s really kind of you especially when there’s not much kindness about these days.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Blaming her for this situation isn’t helpful.


Has anyone ever told you that your reading comprehension needs improvement?

Please show me where I said anything that is "blaming her for this situation"???

I'll wait.....


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Solostrightnow said:


> But say he isn’t using it, wouldn’t it just be easy to delete it if that was the case?
> no major red flags..I just don’t understand why he’d keep the number. To me it shows intention


you know why. Time to address what’s bothering you.
Are you prepared to leave him? 
do you work enough to support yourself?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Keeping that number is an ego kibble at best, and continued affair at worst. If the affair is over, then in his mind he wants the number so that he doesn’t miss out on any “I miss you” “I love you” “please call me” messages. Even if he didn’t respond to them, this is pretty indicative that he fixed nothing of himself on a personal level, just stopped the action of having the affair possibly but not the cheaters mindset. 

I think @Livvie point is valid in the way that if this is what he believed, that he would lose his kid or have a super contentious divorce, he reconciled with you for all the wrong reasons and you don’t have a genuinely remorseful WH. When you let the wayward go while being assertive but respectful to them as a parent and they choose to make amends and save your relationship, it’s a much different type of reconciliation. When it’s based on fear, I don’t feel it can ever be a true reconciling. If that makes sense. 

There is not one iota of an excuse that can be made for keeping a lover’s number or contact info secretly. Nothing. Cheaters don’t forget they have the info of their AP, and she would have contacted him many times after you found out trying to make contact even if he ghosted her or broke it off. The problem in his keeping the contact is that he liked seeing it. More likely he didn’t stop the affair right away. It could have fizzled out on its own, or perhaps it’s still ongoing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Thank you Texas Mom . It would appear she is more interested in something I said in response to discovering messages to another woman rather than answering my actual question. Thank you for sticking up for me though, it’s really kind of you especially when there’s not much kindness about these days.


You’ve never claimed to be perfect. Zeroing in on some detail of how you worded an internet post to negate your struggles and take the thread off topic by focusing on what she thinks you did wrong is just a way to cover for cheating. You’ll see a lot of that, you can see in her responses to me she’s trying to pick fights and make the thread about her instead of you. I hope you’re able to consider the source and blow it off.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Keeping that number is an ego kibble at best, and continued affair at worst. If the affair is over, then in his mind he wants the number so that he doesn’t miss out on any “I miss you” “I love you” “please call me” messages. Even if he didn’t respond to them, this is pretty indicative that he fixed nothing of himself on a personal level, just stopped the action of having the affair possibly but not the cheaters mindset.
> 
> I think @Livvie point is valid in the way that if this is what he believed, that he would lose his kid or have a super contentious divorce, he reconciled with you for all the wrong reasons and you don’t have a genuinely remorseful WH. When you let the wayward go while being assertive but respectful to them as a parent and they choose to make amends and save your relationship, it’s a much different type of reconciliation. When it’s based on fear, I don’t feel it can ever be a true reconciling. If that makes sense.
> 
> There is not one iota of an excuse that can be made for keeping a lover’s number or contact info secretly. Nothing. Cheaters don’t forget they have the info of their AP, and she would have contacted him many times after you found out trying to make contact even if he ghosted her or broke it off. The problem in his keeping the contact is that he liked seeing it. More likely he didn’t stop the affair right away. It could have fizzled out on its own, or perhaps it’s still ongoing.


Ok..say for example it fizzled out - wouldn’t the number then have been deleted? After all, it’s fizzled out, no feelings involved anymore etc


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Livvie said:


> How do you know that threat isn't part of the marital dynamic now? Maybe he's keeping the contact information out of spite. You threatened to take his child away from him like you alone own the child.
> 
> Cheating sucks, saying you are going to take a child away from the other parent sucks, too.
> 
> I'd never completely trust a person who threatened taking my child away, again. And no it doesn’t matter if said in anger. It was your first go to threat. You didn't say, the marriage will be over, you didn't say, I'll fall out of love. You did say, I'll take your child away from you. Who goes there first in a suspected affair? Geez.


^^^^well said Livvie!!!!!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Solostrightnow said:


> Ok..say for example it fizzled out - wouldn’t the number then have been deleted? After all, it’s fizzled out, no feelings involved anymore etc


Back to the ego kibbles and cheater mentality. You’re assuming he is the one that ended it… perhaps she got bored of him, found someone else or just didn’t feel like talking to him anymore. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be open to getting a “I miss you” text. Or just leaving the door open. And of course the possibility he still has an affair ongoing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Ok..say for example it fizzled out - wouldn’t the number then have been deleted? After all, it’s fizzled out, no feelings involved anymore etc


If he went to the OW and said they had to cool it until you forgot about this and they could start up again, he’s basically told her he isn’t planning to end his marriage for her. She might be giving him the cold shoulder and he doesn’t want to miss the chance to reconcile with her. People can speculate all day about why he did it and how you deserve it and it’s your fault. Bottom line, you’re his plan B. Whatever reason the apologists come up with for his clinging to the OW, you know that he doesn’t regret cheating and has no intention of stopping. You know what you have to do to retain your dignity, and you are NOT selfish and wrong to believe you deserve better.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

What are you going to do about this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I just dont get why you dont just ask him. Then if its just a case of forgetting he can then delete it for good with you there.If he was still cheating would he have her number under another false name?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Delete the number yourself and see if he even notices. If he does, you have your answer. Some men really are bad at tidying up.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
I’m asking:
1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted 
2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me. 


Diana7 said:


> I just dont get why you dont just ask him. Then if its just a case of forgetting he can then delete it for good with you there.If he was still cheating would he have her number under another false name?


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## Bestie (9 mo ago)

The best solution here is to ask him why he is still keeping her number, his answer will determine your next step. Then if he says, he has nothing to do with her again, demand that he delete her number. I will also suggest both of you should see a therapist.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He could have it in there because he is still pursuing, or because he might like to hear from her again, or because he’s lazy (unlikely).

you won’t know unless you message her and pretend to be him abd find out. I wouldn’t ask a cheater and expect truth.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If he was serious he would have deleted and blocked her from any contact. Only reason to keep someone's number is to still have contact with them. Sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you get answers.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
> I’m asking:
> 1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted
> 2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me.


The answers to both of these are really just guesses. To me the likely answer is “YES” to both. But I have a jaundiced view of humanity. 

I will say that if he had been active with her since you caught him, there should have been more clues than a telephone number remaining in his phone.

Sorry you are in this spot.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
> I’m asking:
> 1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted
> 2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me.


The simple truth is we don't know what is in your husband's mind any more than you. You want confirmation that you are correct in your assessment of his reasoning and we can't give that. You'll need to do more work.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
> I’m asking:
> 1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted
> 2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me.


We can't possibly know the answer to that which is why we have answered as we have. You have had lots of suggestions as to what to do to find out.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name.


Wait, I guess I missed this part. He kept the number AND changed it to another, different, false name than before?

Yeah, kick him to the curb.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously no one knows for sure but him. Maybe he’s in contact; maybe he isn’t. Having been burned in a similar situation, I’m a suspicious person but that doesn’t mean I’m right in situations like this. However, it definitely doesn’t look good.
P.S.
Posters aren’t “having a go” at you — they’re trying to help.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Obviously no one knows for sure but him. Maybe he’s in contact; maybe he isn’t. Having been burned in a similar situation, I’m a suspicious person but that doesn’t mean I’m right in situations like this. However, it definitely doesn’t look good.
> P.S.
> Posters aren’t “having a go” at you — they’re trying to help.


Even if he isn’t in contact with her right now surely him keeping the number speaks volumes


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Even if he isn’t in contact with her right now surely him keeping the number speaks volumes


Yes it does. Now, what are you going to do?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> Even if he isn’t in contact with her right now surely him keeping the number speaks volumes


Yes, it absolutely does. I can think of no good reason for it to be there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
> I’m asking:
> 1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted
> 2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me.


All that matters though is how _you_ feel about seeing her number still showing up in his phone. I think you’re going through “analysis paralysis” which sometimes can prevent someone from taking action whatever that may be.

I hope you find some peace with all of this; I understand your anxiety over it.

I’ll say though that the anguish you’ve been in is why cheating is a dealbreaker for many people. I think the lack of trust is just an unfortunate lingering byproduct, even if the cheater has changed.😔


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> Even if he isn’t in contact with her right now surely him keeping the number speaks volumes


Nobody disagrees with that. I’ll ask too— what are your consequences?


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> All that matters though is how _you_ feel about seeing her number still showing up in his phone. I think you’re going through “analysis paralysis” which sometimes can prevent someone from taking action whatever that may be.
> 
> I hope you find some peace with all of this; I understand your anxiety over it.
> 
> I’ll say though that the anguish you’ve been in is why cheating is a dealbreaker for many people. I think the lack of trust is just an unfortunate lingering byproduct, even if the cheater has changed.😔


Thank you. You’re so right, I am anxious. I know people think I’m focusing on the wrong thing but to me, him keeping it even IF they aren’t speaking, just shows he has plans to in the future


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Thank you. You’re so right, I am anxious. I know people think I’m focusing on the wrong thing but to me, him keeping it even IF they aren’t speaking, just shows he has plans to in the future


It has to be exhausting to be with someone you can’t trust. Having to play cop 24/7/365 is just beyond what is acceptable or sustainable. My advice is still the same: save yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Solostrightnow said:


> This - this is how I feel. I feel like there’s no reason to have her number there other than to be in contact and if it was really truely over he would have deleted her


Why don't you contact her?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> Thank you. You’re so right, I am anxious. I know people think I’m focusing on the wrong thing but to me, him keeping it even IF they aren’t speaking, just shows he has plans to in the future


I think he is too or he wants to never miss a potential future text, just to feed his ego. Either way, what do you think you’ll do, now?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> _*My husband has numbers on his phone of people he no longer has contact with purely because he just never gets round to deleting them.
> Unless you can check if he is actually still in contact it's impossible to know if anything is going on.*_



Yeah, but I'm sure *NONE* of those old contacts of your husbands were women he was having an affair with behind YOUR back (and likely STILL involved with).


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sideways said:


> _*You say you "owned" saying you'd take his child away from him (that it was a "nasty threat"), but what you actually said in your previous post was "I said something in anger that I MAYBE shouldn't have said but I was upset".
> 
> Saying "maybe" isn't "owning" what you said.*_



Jesus, people say things in ANGER!!!!

When you find out your lying cheating sleazebag of a husband was cheating on you while you were pregnant - and he's STILL doing it while you're home taking care of his infant child - who gives a rat's *ass* if she said that to him in hurt and anger??? He's damned lucky that's ALL she said!

I can't believe this utter nonsense is even an issue for some posters here. Good lord.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> _*I just dont get why you dont just ask him. *_


Truth?

Because he's a lying sack of ****, that's why. Sure as the sun rises in the east, he'll lie his fool FACE off when she asks him.

And yup, I'm willing to bet everything I own on it. Any cheater with even a SHRED of "remorse" (which cheaters usually fake anyway) would do whatever they could to keep their families after they've been caught - and deleting their affair partner from their secret chat app is usually the *FIRST* thing most of them would do - right after sending that text or email their betrayed spouse makes them send to their affair partner, telling them they're cutting all contact with them. 

Of course the next day, the cheating liar just contacts the affair partner and apologizes for the "awful" text they were _forced_ to send and asks the affair partner to continue the affair, but they'll have to lay low until the heat is off.

The guy is a lying sack of ****.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Solostrightnow said:


> This isn’t about a comment I made when I was hurt, this is about whether or not it means something that my husband has kept her number.


You haven’t elaborated on how this whole reconciliation has gone. 

Most likely yours has been a false R. He most likely kept seeing her, being more secretive and careful than he had been before you found out. By now it’s possible that it has ended, but he’s kept the number so that he can see if she reaches out to him. Or if he decides to contact her, of course. He very likely keeps it because he enjoys the memory of her and the affair. He’s had no consequences from you for the affair, so wasn’t worried you would find it in his phone. From the little you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve rugswept the whole thing, not holding him truly accountable or putting any boundaries in place. You weren’t even checking his phone. He decided you were soft, so took advantage of you. 

He doesn’t sound remorseful. It doesn’t sound like he’s moved heaven and earth like he should have in order to regain your trust and prove himself to be a better man than he was and worthy or your respect and trust. Him keeping that number IS the slap in the face you think it is. I had a boyfriend years ago who did this. He had cheated with his ex and for some reason i decided to stay in it and try to make it work. He had her number in his phone under a fake name. He had a secret Facebook page where she was his only friend. He refused to let go of her even if he wasn’t actively seeing her and eventually I got sick of being made a fool of and ended it for good. 

I also have a friend who cheated on her husband. They started going to counseling together (even though she did not want to and did not want to stay in the marriage at all). She was sleeping with yet a different man the entire time. So that whole time was a lie on her part. Yes they did divorce. 

I will never EVER give a cheater another chance to make an ass out of me. I hope you come to the same conclusion. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, people say things in ANGER!!!!
> 
> When you find out your lying cheating sleazebag of a husband was cheating on you while you were pregnant - and he's STILL doing it while you're home taking care of his infant child - who gives a rat's *ass* if she said that to him in hurt and anger??? He's damned lucky that's ALL she said!
> 
> I can't believe this utter nonsense is even an issue for some posters here. Good lord.


So here's another one who's reading comprehension needs some improving. 

So AGAIN. Did she say something in anger? Yes. Certainly understandable. 

The issue isn't what she said in anger but afterwards. She claims she's taken "ownership" of what she said (threatening to take his kids away from him), however when she says "maybe" I shouldn't have said this it's pretty damn clear that she hasn't taken ownership. "Ownership" means reflecting back and realizing it was wrong to say this.

You might think it's utter nonsense but I sure in the hell don't. An extremely good friend of mine committed suicide when her husband threatened to take her child away from her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, but I'm sure *NONE* of those old contacts of your husbands were women he was having an affair with behind YOUR back (and likely STILL involved with).


Of course not, but some people just don't delete names from their phones.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Truth?
> 
> Because he's a lying sack of ****, that's why. Sure as the sun rises in the east, he'll lie his fool FACE off when she asks him.
> 
> ...


I would still ask. I believe in communication not just sitting around wondering. I am not that sort of person, I would have to investigate.
Personally it may be a good idea for her to ask him to delete it in front of her.
Maybe a VAR in his car?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sideways said:


> So here's another one who's reading comprehension needs some improving.
> 
> So AGAIN. Did she say something in anger? Yes. Certainly understandable.
> 
> ...


Thats very sad for the little child.☹


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Thank you @She'sStillGotIt


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Solostrightnow said:


> thank you Diana but our child is just fine. I won’t be chastised for something I said in anger and quite frankly - I could have said much worse. I have owned up to the fact that what I said was in anger. Oh and not everyone can be like you, you would ‘have to investigate’ - well this isn’t about you.


I didn't make a single mention about your child so you must have got me confused with another poster. 
As for investigating, either you want to know or you don't. You won't find out by asking people here what they think it means him still having her number. If you are ok not knowing if there is anything going on then that's fine. If you do want to know then you will have to take action. Your choice.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yup. At this point, continuing to ask us is just leading to all of this going in circles. We can only speculate, after all. We're not there. Find out for sure by calling her number, confronting your husband, or snooping. You'll have your answer for sure then.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Incidentally some phone systems can do weird things with contacts. Either deleting them when they shouldn't, or not deleting them when requested. Or contacts reappear as if by magic.

These are 
a) technical problems
or
b) excuses thought up by cheaters.

Once they tar themselves with the cheater brush, they are for ever tarnished.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Incidentally some phone systems can do weird things with contacts. Either deleting them when they shouldn't, or not deleting them when requested. Or contacts reappear as if by magic.
> 
> These are
> a) technical problems
> ...


So you think it’s a technical problem that her number is in his phone?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Solostrightnow said:


> So you think it’s a technical problem that her number is in his phone?


It's possible that a technical problem resulted in her number still be on his phone. Or appearing again. 

What I said was "It's possibly caused by a technical issue, but b) it's an excuse thought up by a cheater."

As I pointed out: "once they tar themselves with the cheater brush, they are for ever tarnished."

And that is down to the cheater. They caused the suspicions in our minds. 

Another way of describing this is the reaction of a spouse to the following situation:-

"My spouse is late from work" normal reaction is "I hope they are OK?"

However, the reaction from a formerly betrayed spouse is "I hope they're not cheating on me again?"


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> So you think it’s a technical problem that her number is in his phone?


While you have his phone, block the number and delete the contact. Check in a few months to see if it is back.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> So you think it’s a technical problem that her number is in his phone?


But didn't you say the number was under a different false name? That means he intentionally filed it under a name he didn't think you would suspect. I can't imagine how the contacts would change the contact name for a number. Didn't you say the number was originally tagged with a male name. Is it still a male name? Your husband doesn't have much imagination and isn't very good at hiding things.

As others have mentioned, how about sending that number a text with something like "Coast is clear, what's up?" and see what happens. Then delete the text.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You came here seeking advice.

Should you be concerned that your H still has this OW # in his phone? Absolutely. 

Just as you won't (and shouldn't) forget that he's betrayed your trust I think you're missing the point that there's a strong possibility that he hasn't forgotten that you threatened to take his child away from him even if you have apologized (and that it was said in anger).

I can't speak for him but he may be keeping the # just in case things don't work out with you. 

I'm not condoning what he's done because as I said in my first post cheaters are cowards. However I tried to point out (as did livvie) that what you said (threatening to take his child away from him), despite being said in anger, is pretty damn serious and could be playing in to what's going on in his head. Yes he broke trust with you and that's between you and him but to bring your kid into it as a threat??

I was at a Mother's day get together yesterday, and brought your comment up (your threat). Brought up that your H was cheating on you. Asked for thoughts from both the men and women. Every single one of them said that it would be hard to forget that threat. Even if said in anger. 

So you may not like what livvie or I had to say, but a threat like that is pretty damn serious. As I said in a my last post I had a really good friend who committed suicide because her husband made the same damn threat. It's a long story and your comment has certainly triggered me. 

Good luck to you and I hope you're able to work this out.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Those are good points ^

Also, your husband OP may have dropped the relationship with the OW because of the threat, but not a genuine desire to stay married to you. 

I understand that you said it in a fit of anger, but just something to think on.

The thing about the number in the phone - he could contact her in any number of ways and you wouldn’t know. Point being, the fact that you don’t trust him is the bigger issue imo, and the phone number remaining is like proof of your fears. He may have ended it or he may not have but I’m not sure how you both can move forward under the strain of this kind of tension.

Whatever you decide, hope you find some peace about it all soon.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Good to see that my situation is being discussed at a party and how I’m the bad one. Thanks for that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Good to see that my situation is being discussed at a party and how I’m the bad one. Thanks for that.


You are right to be concerned that your husband still having the OW number in his contact, but it is VERY obvious you have issues of your own to deal with too. You can't seem to accept any criticism without getting upset.

It is just being pointed out that he may have chosen to work on the marriage because of your threat to take his child, not because he actually wanted to. This isn't saying you or he are the "bad one", but it is an extremely relevant point which I think you don't appreciate because it causes you to hold some ownership for the current situation in your marriage.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

@Solostrightnow, what have you decided to do about the cheating? I don't disagree with the posters saying he only stayed because you made a threat; I disagree about what actions you should take and that it means this is all your fault. If he only stayed because you made a threat, that you say you don't intend to carry out, then shouldn't you give him what he wants and let him go? Joint custody (if he wants it) would give him access to his daughter, allow him to be with this other woman, and possibly give you a chance to find someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you. 

You should probably also get an STD test.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You aren't going to find out unless you act. If you are ok with not knowing that's fine.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

I can accept criticism I am obviously just more fragile than I would be normally. I came on here to get impartial advice as to what could the POSSIBLE reason be that he still has her number and is is keeping a door open. For the last time, I said something in anger because I found hundreds, potentially thousands of messages for him telling this other woman he loves her and that he wishes things were different and how he has ‘made his bed and has to lie in it’ with me. What a way to speak about a marriage. Yes I said what I said because I was distraught but I’d really appreciate it if people just stick to what I’m asking because to be honest, this is upsetting enough for me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> I can accept criticism I am obviously just more fragile than I would be normally. I came on here to get impartial advice as to what could the POSSIBLE reason be that he still has her number and is is keeping a door open. For the last time, I said something in anger because I found hundreds, potentially thousands of messages for him telling this other woman he loves her and that he wishes things were different and how he has ‘made his bed and has to lie in it’ with me. What a way to speak about a marriage. Yes I said what I said because I was distraught but I’d really appreciate it if people just stick to what I’m asking because to be honest, this is upsetting enough for me.


You've been given your answer. There are only so many possibilities.

He forgot it was even in there, and has no contact, nor intent to make contact. 
He knows it is still in there, but has no contact with her and no intent to contact.
He knows it is still there, currently has no contact, but may want to in the future.
He know it is still there and is currently in contact. 

That covers the most plausible scenarios. No one here can truly answer this. You can either just forget about it, ask him about it, or come up with some scheme to test him like delete it and see if it comes back in a few months.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> @Solostrightnow, what have you decided to do about the cheating? I don't disagree with the posters saying he only stayed because you made a threat; I disagree about what actions you should take and that it means this is all your fault. If he only stayed because you made a threat, that you say you don't intend to carry out, then shouldn't you give him what he wants and let him go? Joint custody (if he wants it) would give him access to his daughter, allow him to be with this other woman, and possibly give you a chance to find someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you.
> 
> You should probably also get an STD test.


Can you please show where anyone on here has stated or even implied that "this is ALL her fault".

If she doesn't even want to consider that making such a threat could be playing into what's going on with her husband's thinking that's her choice. She also said in the same post that "she could have done much worse". Yes and her H knows this and what OP may or may not do and thus it's possibly in the back of his head.

As others have pointed out nobody knows for sure what her husband is really doing/thinking. However to take the suggestion that her H very well could just be placating her because of her threat of taking away THEIR child (not her child) is just craziness, or that she's being "chastised" or that it's now "her fault"?? Go read what BigDaddy said because he's right on.

Go hammer a nail into a piece of wood. Then take it out. The hole is still there. Same thing with a comment (or in this case a threat that involved his child). She may have said she was sorry but her H may have a hard time forgetting this.

So OP if what you (or posters like TexasMom) take out of this suggestion is that this is ALL your fault.....have at it. You came here seeking some perspective on what might be going on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No one knows though why he kept the number, if he even intentionally kept it, so we have given advice in terms of what we might do in the situation.

The issue seems to be more that you haven’t forgiven him and the number triggered all that pain from the affair. I feel for you OP, affairs leave an indelible mark.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> I can accept criticism I am obviously just more fragile than I would be normally. I came on here to get impartial advice as to what could the POSSIBLE reason be that he still has her number and is is keeping a door open. For the last time, I said something in anger because I found hundreds, potentially thousands of messages for him telling this other woman he loves her and that he wishes things were different and how he has ‘made his bed and has to lie in it’ with me. What a way to speak about a marriage. Yes I said what I said because I was distraught but I’d really appreciate it if people just stick to what I’m asking because to be honest, this is upsetting enough for me.


I think you know the answer. There's only one reason why he kept the number. Only you know what happens next. What do you think you're going to do?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> @Solostrightnow, what have you decided to do about the cheating? I don't disagree with the posters saying he only stayed because you made a threat; I disagree about what actions you should take and that it means this is all your fault. If he only stayed because you made a threat, that you say you don't intend to carry out, then shouldn't you give him what he wants and let him go? Joint custody (if he wants it) would give him access to his daughter, allow him to be with this other woman, and possibly give you a chance to find someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you.
> 
> You should probably also get an STD test.


*Moderator Warning*

@TexasMom1216 *Nobody* suggested that it was all her fault. Perhaps you thought you read that in this thread. But you didn't. It was all just in your head.

Please stop with pointless extrapolations of what you think people could, conceivably have really meant, which wasn't what they said. But your interpretation of what you, erroneously, believe are their thought processes. 

You keep doing this and, to be honest, it's gotten very old. 

It distracts from the threads and also detracts from your otherwise helpful and valid posts.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

And solo let me say I'm VERY sorry you're having to live this right now. Cheaters are the WORSE!!! They are COWARDS!!

By NO means am I implying that this is your fault. Just trying to give you an idea of what your cheating/lying husband may be thinking.

I know this is a tough time for you and if I've added to your heart hurting please accept my humble apology. That was never my intent.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Only he knows the answer. The real question is what is your plan?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> Ok..say for example it fizzled out - wouldn’t the number then have been deleted? After all, it’s fizzled out, no feelings involved anymore etc


If it fizzled out, he would likely not have thought to delete the number.


Solostrightnow said:


> It is under another false name. I’m asking strangers because I’m more likely to get impartial advice.
> I’m asking:
> 1) if it was over between them would the number have been deleted
> 2) is keeping it meaning he has plans to contact her if he isn’t already. That’s all I’m asking. I’m in bits and I don’t understand why some members aren’t answering and instead having a go at me.


He has the number under a new false name. That means he hasn't completely come clean with you.

Why does he still have the number? I think you've been given a lot of possibilities. He could still be in contact with her. He could have her number as a plan B, if it doesn't work out with you. He could have it for ego kibbles in case she contacts him. Any number of reasons are possible. Only he knows, but he's not telling you, unfortunately. You can't believe anything he says, so that's not helpful either.

Cheaters destroy, not only by cheating, but my creating an atmosphere is distrust and confusion. That is what is happening to you right now. You are trying to make sense of a situation when you don't have all the facts and can't get them from the obvious source, your husband.

Do you have a feeling that he's still involved with her? Do you have a general feeling that he may be cheating, maybe with someone else?

I recommend you read the book What Makes Love Last?, by Jon Gottman and Nan Silver. Once you have read the book, think about what you want to do regarding your marriage. If you get the audio version, it's important to download the PDF and take the quizzes too.

If you are going to stay married to him and you want to be happily married, you two have work to do. It does concern me that he may have stayed out of fear, rather than a true desire to stay with you. If you feel that way too, this fear will have to be resolved. I don't know what the answer is, but I think you can find it, if you read the book, then start working through the issues together and seeing if your marriage can be saved or not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess my post got glossed over. Why don’t you tell us about your reconciliation? About why you are still there? We haven’t had much to go on. It probably still won’t change the fact that him keeping the OW number is not okay in any way shape or form. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree that there is no decent reason for him to keep her number. Whatever the reason, it shows that something is wrong.

The only way you can know if someone is trustworthy is if their words and actions match, otherwise, there is no truth to be had. If he words and actions don't match, that means you can't trust him. 

I also would like to know what you mean by reconciliation. What has been done to resolve the issues and what has he done to build trust?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What I’d like to know is:

Why you won’t text the number and get your answers?

why stay with him if he says he loves another woman? That’s a dealbreaker for most….

What are your plans since you are convinced of the reason for the number’s presence?

nobody has disagreed that it shouldn’t be there…. So what will you do about it?
It’s been a couple of days…. You still haven’t taken any kind of action to get answers that are easily gotten, or talk to your husband and get things right between you, or whatever.

it’s your timetable…. I’m just asking.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I would not recommend contacting the OW. If your husband hasn't had anything to do with her, you are bringing her back into his mind and your relationship. Furthermore, the OW isn't going to tell you the truth about anything. She'll lie. I've heard of OW making things up to try to get the wife to leave, such as exaggerating things about the illicit relationship and/or saying that they are still seeing each other. Even if she doesn't want him, there is still a strong possibility that she would lie. The chances of actually getting the truth by talking to her or texting her are about zero. I don't see any upside to this.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

sideways said:


> Can you please show where anyone on here has stated or even implied that "this is ALL her fault".


Nobody outright stated it, but I think this may be part to which TM is referring.



Livvie said:


> How do you know that threat isn't part of the marital dynamic now? Maybe he's keeping the contact information out of spite. You threatened to take his child away from him like you alone own the child.
> 
> Cheating sucks, saying you are going to take a child away from the other parent sucks, too.
> 
> I'd never completely trust a person who threatened taking my child away, again. And no it doesn’t matter if said in anger. It was your first go to threat. You didn't say, the marriage will be over, you didn't say, I'll fall out of love. You did say, I'll take your child away from you. Who goes there first in a suspected affair? Geez.


When people read something like this, especially someone who has been on the BS side, it looks alot like blaming. Not saying that is what Livvie is doing, but it's going to bring out the emotions.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> Nobody outright stated it, but I think this may be part to which TM is referring.
> 
> 
> 
> When people read something like this, especially someone who has been on the BS side, it looks alot like blaming. Not saying that is what Livvie is doing, but it's going to bring out the emotions.


How is it blaming? It's not. 

It is, however, offering a (reasonable) suggestion as to where the husband's head might be and a motivation in him keeping a contact number.

Which is what the OP asked for advice on. 

I know men who would never never ever fully engage with their marriage again if their spouse made that kind of threat to take their child away. 

If you ask for _theories_ about what your spouse might be thinking on a public forum, you shouldn't lash out at posters for presented plausible theories you don't like. That's ********.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I guess my post got glossed over. Why don’t you tell us about your reconciliation? About why you are still there? We haven’t had much to go on. It probably still won’t change the fact that him keeping the OW number is not okay in any way shape or form.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


^^^This^^^^

What's your plan moving forward Solo?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

While the threat was 100% wrong, despite it being said in a fit of anger, cheaters who carry on in long-ish affairs don’t seem to be all that concerned with blowing up their families. If he put his kid first, he would think about what a divorce might do to that kid because if his actions. Yes, her remark was wrong and I suspect there are other issues in this marriage before the affair, but I don’t think cheaters are all that concerned with the consequences of their actions.

Staying in a bad/toxic marriage isn’t better for kids either but cheaters tend to be pretty self serving in that they don’t think how their actions are an affront to not just their spouse, but their kids, who suffer a lot from the fall out.

Edit to add - the OP’s husband was a pretty busy guy - sending thousands of texts to another woman. That takes a lot of time away from his family, not just her. I think what she said was wrong but what is also wrong is thinking that cheating only affects the betrayed spouse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> Thank you. So we have been married for 5 years..a couple of years ago his phone went off in the middle of the night. I reached across as it was unusual and my first thought was maybe someone in his family was trying to reach him. The message was from someone called ‘Ben (work)’ - I opened to find hundreds, if not thousands of messages to this person. Due to it being on WhatsApp, I also saw that Ben was infact a woman, as her photo was next to it.
> I woke him up, we had a small baby at the time so I was trying to be as calm as possible..he said it meant nothing (even though the texts said otherwise). I said something in anger that I maybe shouldn’t have said but I was upset. I told him that if he doesn’t stop I will take his daughter away from him.
> I thought she had been blocked.
> fast forward to now..things have been ok. Not great, not terrible..
> ...


I've skimmed several posts but have you and your husband sought help to repair your marriage?

Counseling or even books or maybe a support group?

It seems a good idea.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> Yes but not ones he had an affair with, surely he’d get rid of that?


If he had any integrity or feelings for you he would have deleted her number. The whole idea that he "forgot" to delete it is bunk.

If I had betrayed someone in the worst possible way and wanted to fix things, the FIRST thing I'd do is delete her number. Even if someone wasn't completely remorseful, what makes them think any good would come from not immediately deleting it?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Solostrightnow said:


> This isn’t about a comment I made when I was hurt, this is about whether or not it means something that my husband has kept her number.


Think nothing of it. I get it. You were hurt. People say things when they are hurt. The things I'm hearing that seem to want to shift the focus away from his cheating and your (wrong) outburst threatening to take your daughter and leave are despicable. No, you shouldn't have said it and really a court wouldn't let you take his child away anyway. But you saying something in anger from being hurt after what is tantamount to mental abuse, and his cheating are in no way comparable and definitely no excuse for him to keep the number as has been insinuated here.

Bottom line, he didn't keep the number because of what you said. He had no intention of deleting it. Because any man worth his salt, as if he was worth it in the first place as a cheater, would have deleted it immediately. If not for respect for you and reconciliation, but out of sheer fear it would get him a well deserved bashing later.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, people say things in ANGER!!!!
> 
> When you find out your lying cheating sleazebag of a husband was cheating on you while you were pregnant - and he's STILL doing it while you're home taking care of his infant child - who gives a rat's *ass* if she said that to him in hurt and anger??? He's damned lucky that's ALL she said!
> 
> I can't believe this utter nonsense is even an issue for some posters here. Good lord.


Well said. She has been betrayed which IMO is emotional abuse, she sees another woman calling him that he had an affair with....but some want the main focus to be that one thing she said out of anger and that she didn't "own" it? Sure, she shouldn't have said it, but make that the main issue here? Get real.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> But didn't you say the number was under a different false name? That means he intentionally filed it under a name he didn't think you would suspect.


Boom, this right here. He changed the name because he didn't want to delete it. He didn't forget, but rather HID the number by changing the names. 

@Solostrightnow, does this sound right? Was her number under a different name previously to being caught?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I'd never completely trust a person who threatened taking my child away, again.


If you were a cheater that betrayed your spouse, you'd have been the one that broke the trust to begin with.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Boom, this right here. He changed the name because he didn't want to delete it. He didn't forget, but rather HID the number by changing the names.
> 
> @Solostrightnow, does this sound right? Was her number under a different name previously to being caught?


I think it was listed under the other name before he was caught.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I think it was listed under the other name before he was caught.


Reading about what Rus was talking about, I believe you are correct. So now the situation is he hid it under a man's name(unless her name is Benji) and didn't delete it. IDGAF what she said out of being hurt and angry, the main focus and more despicable act here is he cheated on her. When people are cheated on, they don't always say the right things and aren't thinking clearly. Hundreds of thoughts are swimming inside their heads. OP just gave this man a child and he has the audacity to f*** around on her?

Just seemed that a couple here want to make her out to be the bad guy, and yes, that is what happened as evidenced by the tone of the very first post taking her to task for the threat. It wasn't just merely stating an opinion of why he stayed in the marriage. There was an angry, accusatory tone to it and the other post bashing her for it.

I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Reading about what Rus was talking about, I believe you are correct. So now the situation is he hid it under a man's name(unless her name is Benji) and didn't delete it. IDGAF what she said out of being hurt and angry, the main focus and more despicable act here is he cheated on her. When people are cheated on, they don't always say the right things and aren't thinking clearly. Hundreds of thoughts are swimming inside their heads. OP just gave this man a child and he has the audacity to f*** around on her?
> 
> Just seemed that a couple here want to make her out to be the bad guy, and yes, that is what happened as evidenced by the tone of the very first post taking her to task for the threat. It wasn't just merely stating an opinion of why he stayed in the marriage. There was an angry, accusatory tone to it and the other post bashing her for it.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come back.


The thing is, the OP was asking for possibilities as to why her husband would still have the phone number of the other woman. People gave their opinions, but in my opinion, he should have gone scorched earth on that woman, IF he wanted to reclaim his family and work on restoring trust. But, he didn’t do that.

I don’t know if they have been working through things and then she discovered the number which is what it sounds like? But I’m not 100%. If that’s the case, she rebuilt her trust all over again and then sees that reminder and I get why this has become an extreme source of stress.

Being duped one time sucks, but twice would be heart wrenching.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> If you were a cheater that betrayed your spouse, you'd have been the one that broke the trust to begin with.


The two things are apples and oranges.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I think it was listed under the other name before he was caught.


She said it was under another false name (quoted in my last post).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> She said it was under another false name (quoted in my last post).


Okay, gotcha. I hope the OP comes back. Sometimes things get lost in translation.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> The two things are apples and oranges.


Well the apples came before the oranges, but you seem to want to focus mainly on the oranges. Woman comes on here because she is hurt, yet that ONE outburst out of being devastated is what a couple of you want to focus on??

Seriously? And no, it wasn't just stating an opinion of why he stayed in the marriage. The tone of the posts from a couple of you reeked with contempt and disrespect...the kind that is usually, and rightfully so, reserved for the cheaters. Not in this case however.

She is here because she is hurting. Like I said, wouldn't be surprised if she leaves this site.

@Solostrightnow, if you are reading. If others want to focus more on your reaction from being treated like crap, trying to put some of the blame on the state of your marriage when you reacted that way AFTER you found out what your husband did, there is an ignore feature. Some of us here know what you are going through and know the kind of emotions being cheated on brings out in us. Alot of times we react in ways we never thought we would once we find out our spouses were banging someone else. Been there, done that, and I'm on your side of this, trust me.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> She said it was under another false name (quoted in my last post).


Then I stand correct. He just changed names on that phone number. So no, he didn't just "forget" to delete it. He is trying to HIDE it. Has no intention of deleting it, never did.

Time, I believe, @Solostrightnow, to retain an attorney. But it all depends on what you want to do.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

@Solostrightnow, if you're still reading, what will you do if you get the answer you're looking for? You've got plenty of answers, but it seems like none are the right fit for you. I don't think there's an answer we can give you that would fit perfectly.

But the fact that her number is under a false name is already telling enough. You don't misname someone by accident. Yet you don't seem to want to believe that either. What other reason could it be than wanting to keep a door to her open?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> Well the apples came before the oranges, but you seem to want to focus mainly on the oranges. Woman comes on here because she is hurt, yet that ONE outburst out of being devastated is what a couple of you want to focus on??
> 
> Seriously? And no, it wasn't just stating an opinion of why he stayed in the marriage. The tone of the posts from a couple of you reeked with contempt and disrespect...the kind that is usually, and rightfully so, reserved for the cheaters. Not in this case however.
> 
> ...


If you are this triggered by my throwing out there the idea that perhaps this husband kept the number because he was resentful after OP threatened to take his child away from him, then maybe you should stay away from threads like this, INSTEAD of telling posters to put people on ignore. 

Also, just refreshing your mind with the facts, here, OP made a thread, asked for possibilities, and I gave one. 

It's not blame, it's not sides, it's not a "focus", it was one idea. Geeeeezzz.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

@Livvie no one is triggered - you’re just extremely rude.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Solostrightnow said:


> @Livvie no one is triggered - you’re just extremely rude.


*Moderator note:-*

Actually, people are triggered/irritated by your responses.

People are trying to help, but you are being rude to them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

That was quick!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Nobody knows what her husband is doing and why. Obviously!

Solo came here trying to find out some potential why's. Of course she's hurting (we ALL were when we found TAM).

I think we all agree that we say things in anger. So solo threatened to take their child away after finding out. I can't speak for every man but I've talked to a few about it and as I said previously every single one of them (myself included) would have a hard time forgetting such a threat. Is her husband one of these guys? Who knows.

It's not about that it was said in anger (which many on here--including OP--seem to keep bringing up). For a lot of men (and women) they may be willing to forgive the comment but forget? Nope that type of threat is tucked away and never forgotten and in some cases can destroy the trust in the relationship. Just as her husband lying and cheating has destroyed a great deal of trust in solo. Are they the same thing? Nope. But trust is broken in countless ways and here are two examples (cheating + a threat).

So again solo came here (a forum on the internet) seeking some potential possibilities of what her cheating husband may be doing. Is it so crazy to think that her cheating husband may have kept the OW phone number just in case things didn't work out with solo (after the threat)? In my humble opinion no it isn't but again nobody knows for sure what her H is doing and why except him however the point is OP came here seeking possibilities.

So much so that all the comments (and suggestions) in the "coping with infidelity" section weren't enough for her and thus she went to the "Men's clubhouse" to start another thread seeking opinions on the exact same thing she was asking for here.

People have asked her what her reconciliation looks like right now and what might be her plan moving forward. No reply back to any of these questions but certainly understandable given what she's dealing with. We all have our own time table.

I think we all care about solo and her situation or we wouldn't have taken the time to offer some insight even if some of the suggestions/comments might be painful to hear.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He may have kept the contact details in case he feels the need to have OW as a witness in any court case regarding custody?

Or because he is a cheater who never stopped.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Solostrightnow said:


> @Livvie no one is triggered - you’re just extremely rude.


No, what I said wasn't rude. Remember, _you're the one_ who came to a public forum asking for opinions about your husband's motivation in keeping a contact number. Just because you don't like a particular theory doesn't make it rude. 

You, in fact, are displaying rude behavior in your responses to me, and so was another poster.

Stop name calling because you don't like what someone posts (somethinh that was not rude, and not unreasonable).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

@Solostrightnow - I think where things are getting lost here is that the opinion about what you said in a fit of anger upon finding out about your husband’s affair, isn’t saying that your husband was right to keep the number. The two are separate thoughts entirely. It is just offering a potential idea that could show why he is. But, there really is no reason at all for him to have her number in the first place.

At this point, you have to decide if it bothers you enough to leave, or if you can live with never knowing why.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> @Livvie no one is triggered - you’re just extremely rude.


No. @Livvie just thought about your situation and answered.

Now what have you two done to invest in your reconciliation?

It usually takes a lot of work to mend a marriage well.

I didn't read where you two read any books together or got some counseling.


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## Solostrightnow (8 mo ago)

Isn’t it interesting that there seems to be a clique/gang mentality on this thread. The same little
group liking each others nasty (and yes, they are particularly nasty posts) aimed at upsetting me further and bringing me more pain than necessary. Just to be extremely clear, yes - I came on here for honesty. I asked an extremely basic question as I was interested in other peoples opinion ans quite frankly, I have taken them in good grace. However, some of the posts painting me as some sort of abusive wife/mother using my baby as a pawn is not only judgemental as NONE of you were there but also disgusting. I didn’t have to share that comment with you and I did so because I wanted to be honest as I had said that and I have acknowledged that what I said was wrong. What I didn’t deserve was the appalling way some people have labelled me on here so I will no longer be commenting. I hope you’re kinder to other people than you have been to me. 
To the ones who have helped me on here, telling me things I haven’t wanted to hear is what I was expecting and I couldn’t be more grateful for your honesty so thank you. 
To the vile bullies on here (by the way, you seem to have a reputation on this site as I have received multiple messages about your clear inability to be nice on other peoples threads) - you should learn to be kinder. When someone is in pain, why act like that? It’s pretty disgusting. I’m sure one of the moderators will ban this post which is extremely predictable so I hope many of you see it as possible as I am genuinely thankful. As for the bullish minority here, you’re a bunch of keyboard warriors.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Solostrightnow said:


> Isn’t it interesting that there seems to be a clique/gang mentality on this thread. The same little
> group liking each others nasty (and yes, they are particularly nasty posts) aimed at upsetting me further and bringing me more pain than necessary. Just to be extremely clear, yes - I came on here for honesty. I asked an extremely basic question as I was interested in other peoples opinion ans quite frankly, I have taken them in good grace. However, some of the posts painting me as some sort of abusive wife/mother using my baby as a pawn is not only judgemental as NONE of you were there but also disgusting. I didn’t have to share that comment with you and I did so because I wanted to be honest as I had said that and I have acknowledged that what I said was wrong. What I didn’t deserve was the appalling way some people have labelled me on here so I will no longer be commenting. I hope you’re kinder to other people than you have been to me.
> To the ones who have helped me on here, telling me things I haven’t wanted to hear is what I was expecting and I couldn’t be more grateful for your honesty so thank you.
> To the vile bullies on here (by the way, you seem to have a reputation on this site as I have received multiple messages about your clear inability to be nice on other peoples threads) - you should learn to be kinder. When someone is in pain, why act like that? It’s pretty disgusting. I’m sure one of the moderators will ban this post which is extremely predictable so I hope many of you see it as possible as I am genuinely thankful. As for the bullish minority here, you’re a bunch of keyboard warriors.


I noticed you didn't respond to my posts asking about what you two are doing to repair your marriage.

Be careful the brush you paint with isn't painting you as well.

Many were interested in helping and you are unable or unwilling to recognize that.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Solostrightnow said:


> Isn’t it interesting that there seems to be a clique/gang mentality on this thread. The same little
> group liking each others nasty (and yes, they are particularly nasty posts) aimed at upsetting me further and bringing me more pain than necessary. Just to be extremely clear, yes - I came on here for honesty. I asked an extremely basic question as I was interested in other peoples opinion ans quite frankly, I have taken them in good grace. However, some of the posts painting me as some sort of abusive wife/mother using my baby as a pawn is not only judgemental as NONE of you were there but also disgusting. I didn’t have to share that comment with you and I did so because I wanted to be honest as I had said that and I have acknowledged that what I said was wrong. What I didn’t deserve was the appalling way some people have labelled me on here so I will no longer be commenting. I hope you’re kinder to other people than you have been to me.
> To the ones who have helped me on here, telling me things I haven’t wanted to hear is what I was expecting and I couldn’t be more grateful for your honesty so thank you.
> To the vile bullies on here (by the way, you seem to have a reputation on this site as I have received multiple messages about your clear inability to be nice on other peoples threads) - you should learn to be kinder. When someone is in pain, why act like that? It’s pretty disgusting. I’m sure one of the moderators will ban this post which is extremely predictable so I hope many of you see it as possible as I am genuinely thankful. As for the bullish minority here, you’re a bunch of keyboard warriors.



Late to the thread, but read most of it and I got a picture of you being very thin skinned. Think about what that might do or it's been doing to the relationship with your husband. I know that this wasn't part of your OP, but I can tell you as a man, that whether the threat you made in anger was just a spur of the moment or not, it would be duly noted in my mind as to what to expect from you when and if things get worse for the relationship.

You already have sufficient input to your question, but none will tell you the reality of why your husband kept her info. Why don't you ask him?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Forgot to include that it seems that what you want to hear is that your husband is still cheating with her. So I'll corroborate that for you. He's cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am sorry about some of the posts.
I suspect that many of us would feel very angry if we had just found our our spouse was cheating, and may also say something unhelpful out of our pain and hurt. 
As has been said though, no one here can know what leaving that number means and further investigation is needed if you truly want to find out if anything is going on. They are lots of things that have been suggested to enable you to get proof.


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