# Wife: we can take the kids to see my family only if we then get a trip to ourselves



## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Married seven years, two children (one with special needs). I moved away from my home province to come up here to marry her after doing the long-distance thing for a while.

Her parents are deeply involved in the lives of our children, while my folks live far away and only get to see them a few times per year. And going back home is always a super-stressful situation for wifey, who feels that traveling with the children is extremely difficult.

Since we were last home, the wife and I took a couple of vacations by ourselves, with my parents actually coming up to look after the little ones while we were gone. Yesterday, we talked about booking a trip back to my home for the first time in over a year and a half.

I was taken aback when my wife said she will only book that trip if we also simultaneously book a trip by ourselves later in the year. And on top of that, she wants me to find out if my parents will come up to look after the kids for that one.

I am seething with rage, and feel that she is trying to hold my long-overdue trip home hostage. I told her as much, and she said she understands, but that she is under a lot of stress and she wants time away from the children. Why that has to hold up our trip back home, she wouldn't say, though she did say it was "unpleasant" traveling with the kids and getting everything ready for them to go. 

We've been very close to the brink of separation several times over the past few years, and this is pushing me closer to the edge. Am I overreacting, or is her behavior truly inexcusable?


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't know. Who does most of the child care? 

If one of your children requires a lot of care maybe she is burnt out. 

I don't think she should blackmail you. That is completely wrong. However are you listening to her needs? 

I agree that you should be able to visit your family. How do you get there? Is the trip stressful for her? How can you assist in making it less stressful?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She may seem demanding about this, but it's something she feels she needs. So, I think you're overreacting - besides, why wouldn't you want a vacation alone with your wife? It sounds like there are other issues behind the scenes of this post, since you've been considering separation. What are the *real* issues?

Or is it that she is asking to have your parents come to look after the kids? Can her parents do that, or do they already do that often?


----------



## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Thanks for these quick responses. She is home with the children during most days while I work, but her mother and brother come up almost every day to help. Most days, when I come home (and I often try to get home early, especially when I have to accommodate her part-time work) I'm with the kids while she takes a nap. We share duties getting the kids to bed, and then I cook supper.

The fact that she's trying to get me to have my parents come up here is a problem for me, because I feel like she's trying to shove me in the middle. Though her mom comes up almost every day, she feels it would be too stressful to have to deal with the boys without assistance while the wife and I are gone for a few days.

Click on my profile and you'll see some previous posts from when we've been on the brink of splitting up.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> I was taken aback when my *wife said she will only book that trip if we also simultaneously book a trip by ourselves later in the year*. And on top of that, she wants me to find out if my parents will come up to look after the kids for that one.
> 
> I am seething with rage, and feel that she is trying to hold my long-overdue trip home hostage. I told her as much, and she said she understands, but that *she is under a lot of stress and she wants time away from the children*. Why that has to hold up our trip back home, *she wouldn't say*, though she did say it was "unpleasant" traveling with the kids and getting everything ready for them to go.


You wife is telling you explicitly that she does not trust you to support her needs ...hence the _quid pro quo_. Your DW appears fearful of discussing her needs. You might peacefully and calmly ask her about what she wouldn't say.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You realized that it's not really a vacation for her, right? At home, she takes care of kids during the day, every day, and then she's going to go to your parents and take care of the kids during the day, every day. When does she get a breaK?


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"Seething with rage" You are overacting. Do you have anger issues? Yes, your children do need to see your parents. She should go with you on that visit. I agree. Yes, it's stressful traveling with children especially when they are young, we lived out of town and had to travel to see both of our parents. What's wrong with booking a trip with your wife? You are lucky you have parents that will watch your children. If they won't watch your children and/or you don't have the budget to take both trips, tell her that and then make reservations to take the trip to visit your parents and if she won't go with you then go without her.


----------



## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> I was taken aback when my wife said *she will only book that trip if we also simultaneously book a trip by ourselves later in the year.* And on top of that, she wants me to find out if my parents will come up to look after the kids for that one.


If everything else is normal, it sounds like blackmailing. Nevermind, what would I know?

Though, I do think tha this is an issue which can be resolved . I come from a different culture and I have similar issue but my W plainly hates my family - each and everyone in my family. I do not see this in your story, your W trust your parents enough that you can leave your kids to your parent's care.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I agree with what some others wrote - the trip to your parents' is not really a "vacation" for your wife, so she wants to take another trip with you alone. She also probably feels like you wouldn't take her the trip with just the two of you, unless she attaches it to some sort of condition.


----------

