# What to do next?



## irishgirl05 (Feb 23, 2013)

I have been married nearly 31 years. We have been through the best and worst of times, raised two great kids who have flown the nest, struggled with finances, dealt with work related stress and so on. On the outside we look like a happy couple who are reaching the age of retirement. Underneath we argue about what seems to be an ongoing relationship problem from the first. My husband was very jealous when we first met. But, I fell madly in love with him and well, the rest is history. 

Through the years I have had to be careful about making sure I tell him who I've seen at the store or anywhere that I go, even church, who I talk to, etc. If I forget and someone tells him they saw me, I have always gotten, "Why didn't you tell me you saw so and so...?" I would just brush it off because I honestly forgot and tell my husband just that. My husband, however, has gotten obsessive over the years with his underlying jealousy. 

Last year I had my cell phone sitting on the counter and it showed a missed text message. My husband checked it and saw that it was from a co-worker wanting to know if we were all doing lunch together. Well, I am a teacher and this was during a teacher work day in which this particular co-worker sends this text message to all of our grade level and others at work to see if everyone would like to meet somewhere for lunch. He texts everyone, not just me. Well, my husband came down the steps to the den and demanded to know why this person was sending me this text. I explained it was an old text (actually it was about a week old) and that this person sends text messages to get our grade-level together on teacher work days. My husband went on and on about why this man was texting me, why didn't I tell him, what other text messages was I hiding from him, what else I haven't told him and so on. I got pretty upset and was so hurt and angry that I took my cell phone and just folded it back and broke it. 

Since then, every get-together we had with my co-workers (Christmas and end-of-school-year) my husband was very rude to this co-worker. Now, note, I have not told this co-worker that his innocent text message to everyone at work has caused this with my marriage. Every day my husband wants to know who I've seen at work, who I've spoken to, and he goes through my female friends and always slides in this co-worker's name. I don't even work on the same hall as this teacher and we are on different lunch schedules (thank God). My husband goes through this same conversation EVERY day-"Who'd you see at work today? Did you talk to so and so? Did you see so and so? What did you talk about? Did so and so ask about me?" and EVERY day, he slides in, "Did you see (my co-worker)"? It's just been unbearable. 

My husband cannot get it out of his head that this man is ONLY my co-worker and nothing else. He even comes to work unexpectedly to "see me because he misses me"-after my official work hours thank goodness. Every time though, he walks down the hallway and into my room as if to "catch" me doing something. He's become almost rude to my teachers in my hallway. This week he came during my late bus duty and this co-worker has been assigned the same bus duty as me (not my doing-the administrators assign 6 teachers late bus duty assignments for 12 straight days a year). Now granted, it is around 2:50, but my husband knows I am going to be on duty. He stands in the hallway with me and just looks like he is ready for a stand-off because of this co-worker being on duty the same time as me. 

Well, the conversation at home was the same as almost every day. "Why didn't you tell me you had bus duty with so and so? What do you two talk about?" and so on. This conversation is old and worn out. I am so tired of it. I have even lied to my co-workers about not being able to go to the last few get-togethers because I don't want the confrontation with my husband. 

This same type of discussions have gone on with my husband for over a year-just about work, not to mention over the years about other random people and friends I have to make sure I tell my husband about. But, as for work, my husband and I have gotten into some pretty heated verbal words. It's like I don't even know myself when we are going at it. The Irish in me comes out and I say some pretty bad stuff, but nothing so bad like I don't love him, or hate him or anything that bad. But at the end of each heated verbal fight, my husband always promises that he will try to do better and not ask me about my work, who I see and talk to and all. But in the end, he always does. 

This week, I had him sign an agreement to not ever ask me about my work again-not anyone I work with, not who I talk to, not anything. Because of my co-workers' text, these verbal fights have gone on and on with promise after broken promise and I am tired.

A year ago my husband went to our Pastor with this situation and my husband knows he has a problem. He went to counseling two or three times but then quit going. He has tried to overcome this jealous thing, but it's just gotten worse. My husband even goes as far as to check my work emails and my facebook. I don't have a cell phone anymore.

I left my husband for a weekend about a year ago and spent it with my mom. She knows everything but has not taken sides. She knows my husband loves me, but also knows he needs to get over this. 

Now, I want to leave for good. I don't know if this is the right thing to feel? I have always been faithful and true to my husband. I have never cheated, never even thought about cheating. I feel like I have wasted 31 years of my life. I should be happy but I'm not. I love him, but through this (and other arguments over similar things like what I wear and the way my body looks) and over the years of similar verbal arguments, I just don't think I am "in" love with him any more. 

I really need advice. My mom has never had to deal with anything like this and thankfully has not taken sides. My Pastor does not want to take sides either which is why he sent my husband to a counselor. My sister-in-law is ready to take me in this summer if I decide to go. She lives a few states away. 

I feel torn inside. I love him but I just don't want to be with him any more. He makes me so sad and I don't know how to make us happy any more. I have become depressed over this. I don't want to go anywhere with anyone because I don't want to have to "report" on everything and everyone. There are things I really need to get done-visits I need to make, people I really need to see, but I am just so worn down with this. I really appreciate any and all advice I can get right now


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I couldn't live like that.

However, are you SURE he's just a co-worker?

Even so...do you even like your husband?


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## irishgirl05 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi, and yes, he is JUST a co-worker. There are times I do like my husband. He use to be a really fun person to be around. It just seems that through the years we've both laughed and smiled less, and even less after all this


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Have you thought of therapy for you two?

How is your sex life?

Do you two hang out?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to gage this.

I, personally, have a low tolerance for bullshet. His jealousy is just a control streak. If I had to tell him who i saw and then get questioned if I forgot, then I would have been done then. this is Life. Not prison.


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## irishgirl05 (Feb 23, 2013)

I have mentioned to my husband that we should both go to therapy and I do know that is an option although it's so very expensive (which is why I am trying this marriage forum first) My sex life is dull-he still wants to, but I have no desire anymore even though we still do. I have always been referred to having the patience of Job, and in this case I guess 31 years of bullshet is doing good. Even Job had his limits.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

His jealousy is out of control so he definitely needs help to manage this. Because you say he promises to stop and then falls back on his word, shows he needs professional help and/or is not motivated enough to stick to his word. Maybe you need to give him that motivation with an ultimatum. Not good that it has to come to this, but it seems that nothing else has worked, and his behaviour has just killed your relationship. It might be the only thing to turn it around and if not, you have already made a step in the right direction for healing yourself.

Have you tried prayer, first, however?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Your husband is COMPLETELY out of line. Demanding a report of who you saw and talked to at your work, what you talked about, etc. Checking on you at work...he doesn't "miss" you, he's being a total control d*ck. His behavior is incredibly degrading to you. He doesn't love you, he treats you as though he owns you. This kind of constant jealousy over every day interactions with coworkers would be enough to send me over the edge. You start second guessing yourself, your view of reality is warped, because all you can think of is how this or that would be perceived by your husband. 

Get out. You are being emotionally abused and you don't have to tolerate it. If he truly loves you, he'll do what it takes to really work on himself. He needs to recognize that his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to learn to put genuine effort into showing proper respect for his wife.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

irishgirl05 said:


> Now, I want to leave for good. I don't know if this is the right thing to feel? I have always been faithful and true to my husband. I have never cheated, never even thought about cheating. I feel like I have wasted 31 years of my life. I should be happy but I'm not. I love him, but through this (and other arguments over similar things like what I wear and the way my body looks) and over the years of similar verbal arguments, I just don't think I am "in" love with him any more.
> 
> I really need advice. My mom has never had to deal with anything like this and thankfully has not taken sides. My Pastor does not want to take sides either which is why he sent my husband to a counselor. My sister-in-law is ready to take me in this summer if I decide to go. She lives a few states away.
> 
> I feel torn inside. I love him but I just don't want to be with him any more. He makes me so sad and I don't know how to make us happy any more. I have become depressed over this. I don't want to go anywhere with anyone because I don't want to have to "report" on everything and everyone. There are things I really need to get done-visits I need to make, people I really need to see, but I am just so worn down with this. I really appreciate any and all advice I can get right now


Before you decide to leave rthe quoted section to him and tell him its the last chance and mean it. You are getting a cell phone like every normal adult in this miodern age and he is not to go to your work or your professional functions untio he can control himself and engage pleasantly. If he cant handle it then leave if he can then move on together telling him a jealous freak isnt attractive and he needs to work on the excitement of your sex life. 

You wont get **** unless you ask and until he is jolted and motivated into a final solution


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