# meanwhile...in Paternal land....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Backstory, the ex was seeing an old friend without my knowledge. Up until the day she mustered the "courage" to state that she no longer loved me, and wanted a divorce, there was no indication of anything wrong, that was detrimental to the existence of the marriage. No spoken warnings, yet red flags were there, but nothing I would have thought was involvement with another man. There was no abuse, aside from a strong lack of communication despite repeated attempts at trying to discuss the deeper aspects of "us". Kind of like talking to someone that doesn't think along those lines, so often times, the discussion went no where. 
3 years later, they are married, he is living in our old marital home, and enough time has passed for the newness of the situation to wear off, for me and for our kid who seems to be okay with the weekly back and forth.
I was the youngest of 4 kids in my own family, and grew to really appreciate the "family" concept, the thick and thin, "these" are the people that have your back mentality. Birthday dinners with everyone there. "The Grapes of Wrath", kind of respect and love for one another without bullsht. 
That was what I wanted in my life, and thought that I had or was building up to the point that the ex pulled the rug out from under it all.

Now, having been a single dad for 3 years, there are still points that I feel so unfairly fked-over by life, that bring new and unexpected definitions to the term. The one child that I was able to have with that woman, goes back and forth between my house, and her mom+new husband. This past weekend, I was supposed to pick my daughter up from there to begin her week with me, and she calls me to ask if she can stay over there because they are carving pumpkins. 
---yeah... that "cohesive family" fun activity that I figured would not be missing in my life. How can one even discuss the qualities of a cohesive family, and how special that is nowadays, when its been taken away from me? "Yeah, FAMILY is so important,, never mind you or my current situation..."

The ex already had someone in her life to skip right to, as soon as she could get me out of the way. So there was no waiting period, or "just her" period of time like these last 3 years have been for me. Often times, I have no idea what I represent anymore, other than the face to the paternal aspect of my child's life. 
The thing I honored and valued so highly is now seemingly represented by that farce that exists over there at the marital home. I feel further and further away from any semblance of what I wanted to be and represent for my daughter, and the replacement family is shuffled into place over there, and they do all the things together, that I so deeply wanted as a part of my life. 
The women that have shown an interest in me have so far been one who has lived so hard in her past that "now" she wants to settle down, but honestly the damage is apparent mentally and physically. Not interested.
Another one sent me pics of herself in the shower, and asked me out, then upon visiting her FB page, I see she is involved with someone else. 
Not interested in it, just because she waves it out there, and what am I? Some kind of scum-bag that would mess around with someone involved already?
A third girl, appears to only want a "friendship", and is currently spending as much time at the bar, as she can outside of taking care of her 2 year old... pics of her and other men flood her FB page.. yay! no thanks.

SO... I guess what I am trying to say, is that today I am highly resenting in an all new way, the position I as a Dad was placed in. Trying to find someone special that is not merely a "fill in the blank" for my white picket fence dream for my life. I want someone special to me, not just a fill-in-the-blank body in place..

Meanwhile, and what grips me the most with despair, is that everything I always wanted in my life in regards to marriage, and a family, "exists" over at that other house, no matter how it came about, all grievances dull after time, and the blanket of "what is" covers up all the deception and disgusting flaws of humanity that brought about its existence. 

Now, I merely am that male figure that is obviously replaceable in a heartbeat... hoping that he has some special standing with his kid, even though the strength and security of a complete family is not here. Sometimes, when the kid calls and wants to stay over there for longer, because they are doing some "Family" type of activity together, digs at my wounds, and I find a renewed sense of resentment and hatred towards my ex; which is always countered with the knowledge that still being married to her would be miserable; but living like the odd man out, is miserable too. Hoping to find someone for the right reasons, and not fk around with the garbage that's been the case so far, just really makes a person feel like their "place" is being erased. 
To think, that the ex likely has no idea of what kind of position she has put me in... that lack of depth... how did I ever marry someone so lacking in basic human quality? 
3 years later and I am still paying for it. In new and revised ways.. 

So, that brings me to the point of my situation, where nothing is happening. It is very depressing to come here and read story after story where divorced people have found someone special and so much better than their ex. It just hasn't happened for me yet, and I cant get involved simply to "put a picture together" of what I think I want, and keep up with the ex in terms of a new life with a new family. I don't think I would have wanted to jump into something so fast...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Shoo, I think you are being your own worst enemy, here. You have GOT to find a way to STOP focusing on what your ex is doing. Three years is a long time to still be stuck stewing over this, its so self destructive. Are you in therapy? If you arent, then maybe you should consider going. Happiness is not going to bestow itself on you until you learn to let these things go.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

While I have found a partner, much better than my last...I feel the same pain and despair that is coming through here when it comes to the children. It is almost unbearable at times.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

*Re: Re: meanwhile...in Paternal land....*



Shooboomafoo said:


> Backstory, the ex was seeing an old friend without my knowledge. Up until the day she mustered the "courage" to state that she no longer loved me, and wanted a divorce, there was no indication of anything wrong, that was detrimental to the existence of the marriage. No spoken warnings, yet red flags were there, but nothing I would have thought was involvement with another man. There was no abuse, aside from a strong lack of communication despite repeated attempts at trying to discuss the deeper aspects of "us". Kind of like talking to someone that doesn't think along those lines, so often times, the discussion went no where.
> 3 years later, they are married, he is living in our old marital home, and enough time has passed for the newness of the situation to wear off, for me and for our kid who seems to be okay with the weekly back and forth.
> I was the youngest of 4 kids in my own family, and grew to really appreciate the "family" concept, the thick and thin, "these" are the people that have your back mentality. Birthday dinners with everyone there. "The Grapes of Wrath", kind of respect and love for one another without bullsht.
> That was what I wanted in my life, and thought that I had or was building up to the point that the ex pulled the rug out from under it all.
> ...


I'm going to put a bit of a spin on your tale because I'm in a similar situation... 

My oldest son from the marriage (11) chose to live with me full time. My other three (S8, S6, D4) are with me for a week at a time, every other week. The difference is, my children that I share custody of, call me and want to come over to my place and spend more time with me. My ex allows it. She gets labor day weekend and I get Memorial day weekend. Both weekends (even hers) She was ok with me taking the kids to Milwaukee and spending time with my dad. 

I try to do fun (and very inexpensive) things with the kids when they're with me. We try to make our own memories. 

The memories I make with my children are good old fashioned "family" type. 

I would very much like to meet a special someone to fill the void that was left behind after the divorce, but I don't let it get me down. I'm very picky about who gets to share my free time. The motivation behind my 'want' for someone special is not to keep up with my ex or have someone for my kids to call mom. It's solely for my Companionship and sharing of my life. If I find someone, I find someone. If not, then not. I have plenty of friends to spend time with and lots of family. 

If my kids wanted to spend more time with my ex when it was my turn, I'd absolutely tell them "no, it's daddy's turn and I have some special things (carve pumpkins) for us to do together." this is what you should be doing. Setting strict boundaries and participating in the lives of your children. The more you do this, the more they will want to spend time with you. 

Sorry if this comes across as brash or harsh, but it's how I feel.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

1. Let go of your hate and resentment of her. I did it for about 8 months after I kicked her ass out if my home. All it got me was moping and feeling sorry for myself. Which is what I see you doing now.

2. Go do things for yourself while no kids are around. It will help you a million times over and get you out of the funk you're in. I went back to playing lots of golf. And man I am thankful for those people that I knew from playing years ago. Those guys were here all the time. I just never realized it. It bailed me out of the depression I was in.

3. Your child has one dad. One. I don't care what goes on over at that other place that is not their dad. YOU are their dad and no one will ever replace that. EVER. Forget about what they're doing. Worry about what you're doing and nothing else. No matter what my daughter's mom is doing with her boyfriend, I am still their dad and he ain't. Just be glad there's some positive over there at all. It could be worse than your imagination can handle.

You have to get over this crap somehow. Especially after 3 years. Moving on is the only solution. And until you move on, you won't be ready when you meet that person who will sweep you off your feet. You don't want to miss that. Trust me. I am so glad I am on this side now and can recognize all of this. Otherwise I would have completely missed out on a very special lady I am seeing now. Your new life is waiting on you. Don't cheat yourself out of it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

All good responses. I didn't mean to imply that I spend any considerable amount of time still locked into that old memory, or in limbo/anger about it. The kid and I just got back from a nice 3 day camping trip last weekend, and I was just jealous/worried that the appearance of a family unit over there would outshine myself, as I cannot compete with the income and adventures that is able to be afforded over there. 
The special someone hasn't happened yet, and I worry for my own sake that my motives are true. 
Thanks for the responses.
Shoo


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Man don't worry about that. Just be the best dad you can be. Kids will see you trying to do that and believe me, they will never forget it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> It is very depressing to come here and read story after story where divorced people have found someone special and so much better than their ex. It just hasn't happened for me yet.


It's not a marathon. 

You already know that. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> and I cant get involved simply to "put a picture together" of what I think I want,* and keep up with the ex in terms of a new life with a new family*.


Why do you feel the need to "keep up" with anyone? She is your ex for a reason. I wouldn't recommend anyone do what she did. You have at least taken the time to heal. Go at your own pace. It's totally find if you don't go from relationship to relationship. I couldn't imagine dating for a very long time post separation/divorce. And that is A-okay.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Shoo, I think *you are being your own worst enemu*, here. Y*ou have GOT to find a way to STOP focusing on what your ex is doing*. Three years is a long time to still be stuck stewing over this, *its so self destructive. *Are you in *therapy*? If you arent, then maybe you should consider going.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I didn't take this as shoo obsessing, or letting this eat him alive, but I can understand exactly where he is coming from. My kids live most of the time with their mother. I pay child support and a very healthy bit of alimony. She and her affair partner do all kinds of cool things. Expensive things. Week long trip to to the mountains in Colorado. A week in the Ozarks. Those kinds of things. Blowing through more money in that week than I get to keep and try to live on in a month. The divorce and parenting agreement stipulate that she gets the kids every Thanksgiving and Christmas day. The judge bought the argument that keeping those traditions would be in the best interests of the kids.

Is any of that anything I obsess over, or dwell on? No, not really. We have done our best to build new things together, family things, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not saddened by it at times either.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoo, 

I know it's hard to do but at the same time why can't you tell your daughter that you already have plans? My ex asks to change a lot of stuff and if I do decide to then I make sure I get every second of my time back. But...I understand everything you are saying here. My kiddo comes by and tells me the "whole family is going someplace" garbage. And yes, it stings like he!!. 

Treat the ex like a business partner.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I have to agree, stop focusing on what she is doing. 
I'm not super dad by any means, but when my kids come over for the weekend they don't want to go back to ex's Sunday night. If yours aren't wanting to come over you need to change up your program.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

I went on a golf trip last month and my girls (16, 12) had to stay an extra few days with their mom. I have 50/50 custody. They were pretty upset with me as they did not want the extra time with her. I smiled big time within myself but I didnt want them to see that. I had to tell them that they were just going to have to deal with it and be nice and to respect their mother. I love my girls and they sure as heck love their daddy. And I am no super dad either but I do try to lead by example and i can tell that they appreciate that.


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