# When the pain eclipses the fear



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I think I reached the tipping point today. Merry ****ing Christmas!

More details on my backround can be found in my first post here but I'll give you the short version.

Met my wife about 14 years ago and have been married for 8. We have a 4 year old daughter. Wife has suffered with depression for most of her life, is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her gradfather and emotional abuse from the rest of her family. 

Our relationship has always been one of her being the damsel in distress and me being the superhero. Things were good most of the time until we started trying to have our daughter. Even during pregnancy she became irrational, paranoid, full of anxiety and quite hostile toward me. Everything was bad and it was all my fault. I chalked it up to hormones but is only got worse after our little girl came along. She was totally and completely overwhelmed with parenthood and I found myself not only earning our living but also handling much of the other duties in our live. Stupidly, I thought that if I could just do enough for her she would be happy. Yeah, that didn;t exactly work out. The more I did the angrier she became. She started to accuse me of all of her issues. Thing like, "You never follow through on your promises." Her behavior, my blame.

I have struggled to keep the marriage together, for fear of what it would do to my daughter if my wife was awarded even partial custody. My wife completely blows her stack over the most insignificant things. Freaks out when our daughter wants mommy to play with her. Complains that she has no time to herself (untrue, but she believes it) and no life of her own. Says I am around too much, I never leave her alone. Other times she opines to me that I do not make enough time for us to be together and she craves the closeness that we used to have. Huh?

She spent a few days in the crisis unit at the local hospital and 6 weeks in an intensive outpatient program. Was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I've been compassionate, patient and did my best to completely overlook my needs. Not just since the summer, but since we had out daughter. I just don't think I have anything left in me. 

Today I gave her an iPad for Christmas. I had to make some sacrifices to afford it, but I dont mind. She didn't even make me a free internet card. I probably wouldn't care so much except I saw her put time and money into getting gifts for her friends. We get into a "discussion" today about the marriage and it devolves into her saying that our marital problems are negatively affecting our daughter. I snapped. Why? Because it is the last delusional straw for me. My wife is the majority of the problem. Her anger and hostility. Her depression. Her selfishenss and immaturity. He inability to care for a single 4 years old for more than a few hours without having a total breakdown and running off to "rest" for the rest of the day. This is the negative impact on our daughter. The reason that she comes to me when she gets hurt or is afraid of something, not mommy. It breaks my heart to see this and the guilt is tremendous. I picked this lunatic to be her mother and I can't take it back.

We tried 2 marriage counselors (my wife picked both) and in each case when the counselor started to reinforce what I was saying and suggest that my wife might be at fault for something she decides she doesn;t want to go back anymore. 

I have been mulling over something my IC has said to me. He told me that some people never get better. Believe it or not, it blew my mind. I never considered that my wife might be like this (or worse) for the rest of her life. That's a big chunk of reality to choke on for me. 

Also, he has characterized her as "disabled" and tells me that it is my mistake to think that she can choose to behave differently. She feels great pain from the tiniest of hurts. Since I am imperfect and will make mistakes it is a recipe for disaster. I cannot please her. I cannot fix her. It seems I cannot even help her. she has been in and out of numerous mental health facilities, seen countless doctors and takes an ever-changing stew of medications. Nothing helps. She cannot face the trauma that cause the great emotional damage she lives with. It makes her unable to trust those closest to her. I understand all this and don't suggest that this she does any of this on purpose. It's part of the reason I have stayed so long. I do love her, but she is not capable of loving me back. It's a hard truth to be sure.

So perhaps everything has lined up today. It's time to end this. I'm not sure how but I can't allow my ignorance to become vacillation. I just cannot live any longer in pain. I also believe that my daughter will benefit from having her father get his life straight and provide her with a home without hostility, anger and control issues. My wife may fall apart and end up hospitalized. She may rally and pull herself together. I don't know. I hope she can rebuild her life. I don't hate her. She is my daughter's mother and I want her to be a great one. 

I'm sure some of you have been in similar shoes before. How did you handle it? Any input is greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is a disjointed rant. My head is spinning right now. Anyway, thanks for reading.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It does sounds like you have reached your "tipping point." I work in the MH field. I have a family member that struggles with a MH disorder Those with MH disorders can be VERY selfish in how they look at their life....it's about them! 

You are right. You can't fix it and have no idea what the future holds. Will she fall apart or will she rally? Either way..saving her is NOT your responsibility. It's hard to wrap your head around that when you verbalize it but it's true. Yes, whether you are divorced or married you can still be supportive without enabling. 

She needs to handle this one on her own.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> my daughter will benefit from having her father get his life straight and provide her with a home without hostility, anger and control issues.


:iagree:


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> It does sounds like you have reached your "tipping point." I work in the MH field. I have a family member that struggles with a MH disorder Those with MH disorders can be VERY selfish in how they look at their life....it's about them!
> 
> You are right. You can't fix it and have no idea what the future holds. Will she fall apart or will she rally? Either way..saving her is NOT your responsibility. It's hard to wrap your head around that when you verbalize it but it's true. Yes, whether you are divorced or married you can still be supportive without enabling.
> 
> She needs to handle this one on her own.


I can't support this more. I am getting a divorce from a woman VERY much into herself. You can't fix this. Our counselor (who she picked) told my WW that she wanted to see her alone without me there due to all her issues. My wife quit 2 sessions later. They can't handle someone telling them it's their fault for anything.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm not at all sure how this is going to go. I really don't want a divorce, but I can't continue on with no hope. Right now she is laying on the bed in self-induced isolation. She will probably be largely unresponsive for the rest of the day, including when our company arrives in a few hours. There's a pretty good chance that she will make an emotional appeal in the next few days to prevent this from happening. Then again, she's pretty damn stubborn so she may end up going psycho on me.

If she wants to prevent this it will only be with a firm, measurable commitment from her that she is getting some kind of treatment. No BS about not liking the counselor, scheduling issues or money.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

zookeeper said:


> I really don't want a divorce, but I can't continue on with no hope.


ZK, I gave you my views 3 months ago at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...vor-childhood-sexual-abuse-2.html#post1114541. As I tried to explain then, it is highly unlikely you will obtain a candid professional opinion about your W's issues from HER psychologist if she has strong traits of BPD. As I noted before, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, vindictiveness, emotional instability, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are classic traits of BPD. If you decide that she likely has strong BPD traits, I offer the following suggestions:

*As an initial matter,* I recommend that you NOT tell her that you suspect she has strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

*Second,* if you think you may stay with her a while, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book targeted to abused spouses like you. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Both books are written by the same author.

*Third,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Leaving" board and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" board.

*Fourth,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is article 9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

*Fifth,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your four year old. As I've explained in many other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

*Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. If you would like to read about my experiences with my BPDer exW, you may want to check out my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, ZK.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks to all for their input. She tells me emphatically that she doesn't want to divorce. We are nearing the time when it will not be her decision. I still want this to turn around, but as hope fades this becomes less and less likely. I guess I can hang in as long as I have some hope, but once that is gone all I'm doing is serving a sentence. 

I told her flat out yesterday that this marriage is her's to save. I'm starting to see through the haze and take note of a different reality. We had company over yesterday and I had a lovely evening talking and laughing with them. We were all sad that it had to end (except my wife who self-exiled to the couch and her iPhone.) I realized that the fun, light-hearted, outgoing and personable guy still lives. I caught a glimple of who I used to be and I really liked being him. He was the life of the party, had lots of friends and was brimming with confidence. I have become a little, frightened worm who follows his wife's moods like a buoy riding the tide. I don't strictly blame her for this, but there is no denying the effect she has on me. Perhaps our respective issues just mesh perfectly to bring out the worst in each other? Luck of the draw, maybe.

I accept my blame in enabling her to become the completely disfunctional person she is today. I'm feeling that along with acceptance must come an effort to fix the situation. Divorce now seems like it may be the only way to save at least one of us and give my daughter the chance to see a positive example of how to lead life. As a bonus, it may actually force my wife to finally take decisive action and face her demons. Hey, it's _possible_...



Uptown said:


> ZK, I gave you my views 3 months ago at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...vor-childhood-sexual-abuse-2.html#post1114541. As I tried to explain then, it is highly unlikely you will obtain a candid professional opinion about your W's issues from HER psychologist if she has strong traits of BPD. As I noted before, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, vindictiveness, emotional instability, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are classic traits of BPD. If you decide that she likely has strong BPD traits, I offer the following suggestions:
> 
> *As an initial matter,* I recommend that you NOT tell her that you suspect she has strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her. I have not made any attempt to diagnose her nor will I. She has agreed to see a new therapist. Maybe it will help, most likely she will cut and run when it gets too personal. Not sure how much longer I will accept this as my problem. It is HER problem to solve. If our marriage is not enough incentive for her to take charge of her illness then what elese can I offer?
> 
> ...


Thanks, it is very helpful simply to put my thoughts down in writing. Getting the perspective of others is gravy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You only get ONE shot at life.
Your daughter only gets ONE shot at a happy, healthy childhood.

Keep THESE in mind. 

Yes, it is sad that your wife is sick. No, it is not her fault. Those facts do not negate the first two facts.


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