# Don't know what to do



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi, This is my first post. I have been reading on here for quite a while. Background. Me 30 years old. Her 28. Married for 5.5 years. Together for 13. No kids. Separated for 6 months. My wife, who I love more than anything in the world left me, and 2 days ago told me she is going to divorce me. We went to counseling until she gave up two months ago. I have tried so hard to save this from the beginning. I thought we had a good marriage until she dropped the bomb on me and left. Since then I have read and studied to try and learn what I had done wrong, which was a lot and agreed to change. I never blamed her or got angry. Most of her stuff is still in my house. She literally left her entire life behind. I spent yesterday taking down all of our pictures etc. I have only slept about 5 hours in 2 days. I feel so sick. She told me whatever we had is dead in her and will never come back as well as blaming me that we ever got married. She actually told me that she felt brainwashed by me all of these years. Ya right. My question is how do I let her go? I am still madly in love with her. I can't imagine my future without her.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Your feelings at this time are both justified, and valid. We all have gone thru these feelings, but the good thing is, they go away. Its like banging your knee on something, and you have to wait for a little while before the pain goes away. At first it seems like such a grave and final thing. But guess what, YOUR life goes on too! If she doesnt "love" you anymore, then you have to accept that, it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you, or with your love for her, it is just no longer reciprocated, and the relationship must end, if both partners are not willing to work things out.

Hard times man. Ive been divorced for more than a year now, and there are points these days even that I miss what I wanted that relationship to be.. Funny how I can so easily overlook those things that made it a terrible relationship to be in.

When I first got divorced, I couldnt imagine that all the "happy talkers" saying that they feel so much better and I will too eventually, were right.. I had a hard time believing that. 
But that time did come. I no longer ruminated about that loss. I began to ask myself, well then, since I have not further interest in that relationship, what am I going to do with myself? To be able to ask myself that, was a privilege. I havent found that answer yet, and am taking my time... but this life is MINE now, and I dont miss her cheating a$$ for a moment. You will get there too, you just need to face the situation, accept it, take the time needed to grieve for it, but keep it in the back of your mind that those dark days will soon end, and you will be fine.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

do you know who the affair is with?


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Great response there Shoo!!

Striker711: you are in mourning. This is the darkest hour, I remember the not sleeping and weight loss...I only slept 2 hours in 3 days at one point. This is hard on both your body and psyche.

So Shoo said things so very well, all I wanted to add is that what you are feeling is exactly what I and others here have gone through. It sucks.

And there is a process, it's like a jail sentance wherein you become locked inside this painful experience and you suffer for it each and everyday. I really didn't taste food for 12 weeks..it just went into my mouth, everything was so bland and made me sick. 

But like Shoo and others I have regained my life and as Shoo indicated, YOU WON'T beleive us when we say, it will get better. YOU WON'T know how to ever feel better again!

Not now. Now is your time to grieve and feel the pain. Sorry brother, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...it's a living hell to go through. 

What helped me:
1. Working out - the physical energy and tired muscles forced my body to "pass-out" and I started to sleep again...although it wasn't perfect at least I got rest. I also started to look relaly good in the mirror and that boosted my self confidence.
2. Talking to counsellors, friends and family. You need to vent. 
3. Mental excercises - Meditation. I tried my hardest to shut-down the broken record in my head re-living the thoughts of her, the thoughts of the future and the unknown. 
4. Music and Meditation Sounds - Playing up-beat tunes, and several selections of soothing meditation sound tracks allowed my brainwaves something to surf. 
5. Organizing my life and affairs: simple things like laundry, moving furniture, getting my new place and cleaning it from top to bottom...basically staying active and being productive. 

You like many will go through the stages. Find a good counsellor or re-kindle your old friendships, relationships with family or church or what-have-you. 

You're not alone and LIFE: it does in fact go on. 

I am happier now than I could have ever have been in the old marriage. I am on top of Everest looking down at the black hole where like you I once laid feelign like my heart would explode. 

Be strong brother. It takes time.


----------



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Striker,

Sorry you have become a passenger in the same boat as us. As you have read since lurking there are many of us in different stages.

Only time will allow you to heal and start to imagine a life without her. You will start thinkinga bout yourself as an individual instead of having to identify yourself as a part of a married couple.

You are in the roughest part of the journey in my opinion. The sooner you start investing energy into yourself and getting back on your feet the sooner you get out of the "fog". I spent countless days and nights thinking about what possibly could have been doen to save my marriage only to figure out there isn't a correct answer.

Stay as sociable,realistic and level headed as possible towards her and your situation. But don't get taken advantage of either that is the tricky part I think.

It already sounds like she is blaming you for ever getting her into her situation. The reality is she is half responsible for her marriage. It makes it easier for the walk away spouse to justify their actions if they shift the blame to the other partner.

My guess is this is only the beginning of the crap she is going to blame you for. If you are able to brush it off instead of internalizing it you are a strong person becasue it will take some backbone. In the long run you will see that arguing about it solves nothing.

If you work on yourself, regardless of what happens with the relationship with her, you will come out a better person.

I also suggest you stick around and vent or ask questions. I know it helped me tons getting through my dark period.

Take care. Rest is very important. I used Advil PM on occasion to rest longer that a few hours.

Shoeguy


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Paradise said:


> do you know who the affair is with?


First off thanks guys for all of the helpful responses. I know its gonna be a long dark lonely road. Ok so I don't have any reason to think there was a true affair as all of her family who I am very close to, and so is she, say nothing happened. The story is she meets a guy at work like 3 years ago. They start doing more and more activities mainly snowboarding, concerts, soccer, and backpacking/hiking together. I like to do all of these in moderation. But for example she would go snowboarding with him friday night, get home at 12 am then leave at 7 the next morning and get home at 6 the next night. Another example is she hiked over 210 miles last year mostly with him. I mean man that is hard to take. She became obsessed with always going out and doing things, usually with him. It became a real problem. So the kicker is he ends his 10-15 year marriage. She leaves to go comfort him and this new group of friends she has and has been hanging out with that are so different from all of our other friends, as I am changing the freaking radiator in her car. Anyway 3 months later she left me. But according to everyone I talk to they aren't interested that way in each other. But I do believe this man caused her to start leaving me behind. 

I have been trying stay busy on the weekends with friends, one of which is her brother. We are very good friends and it is tough not to ask about her when we hang out. I got through the day and am just trying to get my feet back on the ground. Work was hard to focus on today. I did eat today which was good cause its been awhile but like others said I am really forcing myself to eat just to stay alive. I am determined to not let her ruin me but at this point I cannot imagine ever feeling good again. I feel worse than I ever have in my life. It is hard to give up on something that I truly believe has no real reason for ending like this. I may have made mistakes but I owned up to all of them, never complained to her about hers, and humbled myself to no end for the last 6 months to try and save this. Honestly until she left I really didn't feel like my marriage wasn't working I just felt we were going through a rough patch. Thanks again for all of the help. I am going to stick around. Life is going to suck for a long time but someday it will be better. Any other advice?


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

striker711 said:


> First off thanks guys for all of the helpful responses. I know its gonna be a long dark lonely road. Ok so I don't have any reason to think there was a true affair as all of her family who I am very close to, and so is she, say nothing happened. The story is she meets a guy at work like 3 years ago. They start doing more and more activities mainly snowboarding, concerts, soccer, and backpacking/hiking together. I like to do all of these in moderation. But for example she would go snowboarding with him friday night, get home at 12 am then leave at 7 the next morning and get home at 6 the next night. Another example is she hiked over 210 miles last year mostly with him. I mean man that is hard to take. She became obsessed with always going out and doing things, usually with him. It became a real problem. So the kicker is he ends his 10-15 year marriage. She leaves to go comfort him and this new group of friends she has and has been hanging out with that are so different from all of our other friends, as I am changing the freaking radiator in her car. Anyway 3 months later she left me. But according to everyone I talk to they aren't interested that way in each other. But I do believe this man caused her to start leaving me behind.
> 
> I have been trying stay busy on the weekends with friends, one of which is her brother. We are very good friends and it is tough not to ask about her when we hang out. I got through the day and am just trying to get my feet back on the ground. Work was hard to focus on today. I did eat today which was good cause its been awhile but like others said I am really forcing myself to eat just to stay alive. I am determined to not let her ruin me but at this point I cannot imagine ever feeling good again. I feel worse than I ever have in my life. It is hard to give up on something that I truly believe has no real reason for ending like this. I may have made mistakes but I owned up to all of them, never complained to her about hers, and humbled myself to no end for the last 6 months to try and save this. Honestly until she left I really didn't feel like my marriage wasn't working I just felt we were going through a rough patch. Thanks again for all of the help. I am going to stick around. Life is going to suck for a long time but someday it will be better. Any other advice?


Why the hell did you let her do all these things with this guy??? 

Let this be a lesson to you (albeit a harsh one) about opposite sex friendships.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

jfv said:


> Why the hell did you let her do all these things with this guy???
> 
> Let this be a lesson to you (albeit a harsh one) about opposite sex friendships.


My thoughts exactly!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Well it wasn't really a choice. When I finally understood I had a problem with it she didn't seem to care. In the beginning I worried about it but she insisted nothing would ever come between us.

So hopefully I am not repeating myself, tried to edit the last post but don't see it showing up. I think it is easier for her for the following reasons. I still live in the same house we shared our married life and our memories together. Still live on the same 20 acres we got married on. Still look out to the spot. She now lives with some guy renting room from some guy she met on craigslist. Somehow she was fine with getting a nice car right out of college and me spending 17k on her college. The economy turned and I make less than half of what I used to. I think some things changed then.


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

One addition. I told her once months ago, "you did the one thing you always promised me you wouldn't. You let another man come between us" Her response "it would have happened eventually I married you too young". For gosh sakes She was 22 with a masters degree. I was at college for 2 years without her, we were together there for 2 years, and she was there for 3 more after I finished. We were together for the entire time but I was 90 miles away. 22 with a masters I don't think you are a child at this point. She actually told me that she had never had a chance to "grow up". Really, BS I say.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Striker, sorry for my blunt response, fella, but I know how this story goes. Only difference in my situation is I put my foot down early and she went underground for a year. 

I wish you this best. This gal didn't love you. She loved what you did for her, nice guy! 

This is going to suck for a while. You will eventually get pissed. Just keep taking care of yourself. My ex married the OM but I hear through the grapevine that they are broke and having some issues. Not sure about that nor do i give a rats butt. I went completely dark.


----------



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Striker,

Sorry bud that is a familiar story which most people here lived or have heard.

Paradise is correct at some point you will get tired of the thoughts spinning in your head and you will get angry. The only questions is how long does it take for you.

Once you get through those phases make sure you are taking care of yourself and get good rest and eat properly. The sooner you can make your new situation the center of your thoughts and not your past relationship the sooner you will recover. 

I found the note I wrote to my ex while I was in the stage you are in. I never sent it too her but I wrote one over 18 months ago. While reading it I could recall some of those feelings but was glad I no longer have them. I have been removed from her long enough to start really seeing what my feelings for her glossed over for all those years. It is amazing. Point is that once you get removed from her your feelings towards her change and you might find out it this split was the best thing.

You will get there. It is a road we all are taking or have taken. Stay true to yourself and do what makes you feel better. Hang out with her brother or whatever friends you still have but resist the urge to ask about her. It just puts whomever your asking in a tough spot. No communication with her seems to work the best. She doesn't want to talk to you anyway.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Great post, Shoe. 

I've been cleaning out my apartment since my sports season ended and found 4 of my old journals. One of them was from before my marriage ended. I had forgotten how confused and angry I was before she filed. It all made sense. I can pretty much pinpoint the day the affair started just by reliving some of my old feelings. 

Point is, I burned every one of those journals. Decided it was time I completely took my life back. Striker, you will do the same in time. You will begin seeing things as they truly were instead of seeing this version of things that your current thinking is coming up with. I look back on the last year of my marriage to about 5 months ago and realized how cloudy my thinking was. Everything makes sense to me now and I'm taking good care of myself but it was 3 years total of wasted energy. Wish I could tell you a quicker method of getting through all of it but most of us "nice guys" tend to take a while to process the entire debacle until we decide enough is enough.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Great post, Shoe.
> 
> I've been cleaning out my apartment since my sports season ended and found 4 of my old journals. One of them was from before my marriage ended. I had forgotten how confused and angry I was before she filed. It all made sense. I can pretty much pinpoint the day the affair started just by reliving some of my old feelings.
> 
> Point is, I burned every one of those journals. Decided it was time I completely took my life back. Striker, you will do the same in time. You will begin seeing things as they truly were instead of seeing this version of things that your current thinking is coming up with. I look back on the last year of my marriage to about 5 months ago and realized how cloudy my thinking was. Everything makes sense to me now and I'm taking good care of myself but it was 3 years total of wasted energy. Wish I could tell you a quicker method of getting through all of it but most of us "nice guys" tend to take a while to process the entire debacle until we decide enough is enough.


Way to go!! I hope the flames burned bright!!
It's funny how clear things become..later...
Trick is for many I see here, don't waste time...it's far too precious. 
And yah, Striker711, you got walked all over. A damn shame fellah! Now, don't let that happen again, mm?


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Thanks guys for the responses it really helps to know that my situation is not unique and neither are my feelings. Well I got through another day. When I felt like running around and screaming cause my head was going to explode I told myself "nothing is different now than a couple of days ago other than this is final". She has been gone physically from my life for so long nothing is really different now. But man it hurts. Felt like a dork the other night, broke down in front of 2 of my friends and they just started talking to each other and acted like it wasn't happening. They have both been good friends since childhood but I honestly think most guys don't know how to talk about their feelings and be ok with it. I don't want to hold this in but it does not help to tell people if they just drop it when the going gets tough. Thanks again for the support through this time. I know it is going to be the worst part, but that doesn't help.


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

My self esteem was already bad since she left. 3 days ago she told me she didn't desire me, did not find me attractive, and basically did not understand what drew her to me. I am in the tank and sinking. I am fit, educated, do have a job with promise, a nice house and property, nice personality, hard working, committed, loving, yet I feel like such a doosh. Somehow I feel worthless even though I think I have much to offer.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Self-Confidence:

It's tricky, one minute you are walking on clouds the next yuo feel like everyone is laughing at you. 

From what I see from your posts, you need to be friends with yourself. Learn to like who you are without the barometer of other's opinions. 

I can tell you quite frankly that self-confidence is so very important when dating. Woman look for it initially, I amnot saying being brash or egotistical, just confident with who you are, what you have to say, how you present yourself.

I have an excercise for you brother: go to the mirror, smile. Look at yourself and smile. Do that over and over again, in fact do it every day. And then, when there is no mirror, smile without any reason, get used to walking around and doing things with a smile on your face. 

And the first thing you will do when a nice lady looks over at you will be automatic, your smile will lead the way. 

If she notices and smiles back...you are on your way. 

It's dark out nowdays, rainy on the WC, take dome Vitamin D supplements, get daylight as much as you can. 

None of these suggestions are going to hurt you. Quite the opposite. If you find yourself thinking that they are stupid or not worth it, you may need to sit down with a counsellor and talk. 

But take heart friend, your going to be fine, life is good and you just don't know it yet. Your shadow-days will be over soon.


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

dumpedandhappy

Thanks for the advice. I will try it. At this point I am dang near willing to try anything. I always thought my self confidence could not be shaken. I had a college degree, beautiful fiance/wife, money no debt, good job with potential to buy a successful business, etc. I never realized one person could do this to me. I have lots of things I used to love doing and enjoyed doing. What I am finding now is that they all involved her and never did them on my own. Every activity I did and do, we did together. People are telling me, well go out and find something else to enjoy that is different. I always did the hobbies I liked and really can't find anything I always wanted to try but haven't yet. I really miss her and I know it will be better someday, but gosh darn this sucks. Oh and by the way I did see a personal therapist for two months after we separated and it did help. I know what I have to do now, it is just so hard. He actually told me then "she clearly does not want to be married to anyone not just you", but I kept hoping and trying anyway. Spending time with others takes a lot out of me just trying to act normal. I am eating again though, but just to survive at this point. Thanks again guys and gals for the support. Its gotta get better someday right?


----------



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

So sorry you're in this. I have my daughter, and caring for her has helped me stay sane. It's been 7 months, and while I have ups and downs, overall I'm vastly improved. I saw a psychiatrist and got some anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills, both helped immensely.

And I get out a couple of evenings a week, have a beer and talk to women. I have no interest in hookups or relationships, but it really does wonders for your self esteem to simply converse, and when you're not trying to pick them up, they seem to sense it and they let their guard down.

Whatever strategies you adopt, keep busy and use what you can from the knowledgeable people on here. I didn't believe it when they told me it gets better, but they were absolutely right.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

D&H - I call that the "fake it til you make it" tactic. It has worked for me professionally and personally. I figure I can fake most anything long enough until I figure it out or get over it. 

All of these men hurting - it seems unfair in life when that kind of love and devotion is all any of us ever want and yet there are those who squander it away.

I know I deserve that kind of relationship and I know I can give that kind of love. But finding it is super hard.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

EnjoliWoman,

I agree, it does suck that so many out there can't find that person to whom they can dedicate themselves, and in trun receive the same devotion. 

I hope you and others here find the right people soon. I have been fortunate..so very and I thank God for it!!!...and enjoy a relationship over 9 motnhs now and we are a perfect match of attitude, love and devotion, interests, opinions, food tastes, etc...and just enough differences to make discovery and maintain our own uniqueness. 

I am convinced that if a pair is matched well enough, that separation or divorce will never become a reality...guess I am a dreamer...but I refuse to give up on Love...Love is the answer to all the world's problems. 

There are so many here on TAM that understand and seem to have all the right stuff, just need to find that other half...keep searching people, take it from me, you have to look in ALL the places you wouldn't beleive where people may turn up that fit!!

Even on Craigslist!! LOL


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Enjoli thanks for the advice. I agree we all deserve that kind of love. I really miss it. It is hard to lose the person that you trust above everyone else. I really don't know how I will ever put that kind of trust/ lay my heart open to someone else. I am gonna have to though because I am the type of person who wants a close loving relationship in my life, plus I want kids. As for finding that person I wouldn't have the first clue on where to look, plus I am obviously a long way from being ready for that. I am still at the stage of just trying to get through each day without freaking out and dying inside. 

I talked to her parents last night for the first time since she decided on D. They told me how much they love me and that they knew I did everything I could to save it. They told me they felt like I was a son of there's. It made feel a little heartened. I have always had a close relationship with them. They are doing their best to support their daughter and son-in-law at the same time. I imagine that would be insanely tough. I never realized that one person making crappy decisions could hurt so many people. 

dumpedandhappy

It makes me feel like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, to hear your story. How did you two meet? I also thank god for what I still have, everyday. Truly I believe he is the one reason I have gotten this far. I trust in him. 

I truly hope that one person is out there for me. At this point it is impossible to imagine loving another. Hmmm. I wonder what that person is going through/ doing right now in her own life?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Striker - how about reading in the "Relationships and Addiction" forum? Maybe you could gain some insight there and/or some ideas on how to approach her. Maybe she really needs to believe you are "fixed" (your words).


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

striker711 said:


> Enjoli thanks for the advice. I agree we all deserve that kind of love. I really miss it. It is hard to lose the person that you trust above everyone else. I really don't know how I will ever put that kind of trust/ lay my heart open to someone else. I am gonna have to though because I am the type of person who wants a close loving relationship in my life, plus I want kids. As for finding that person I wouldn't have the first clue on where to look, plus I am obviously a long way from being ready for that. I am still at the stage of just trying to get through each day without freaking out and dying inside.
> 
> I talked to her parents last night for the first time since she decided on D. They told me how much they love me and that they knew I did everything I could to save it. They told me they felt like I was a son of there's. It made feel a little heartened. I have always had a close relationship with them. They are doing their best to support their daughter and son-in-law at the same time. I imagine that would be insanely tough. I never realized that one person making crappy decisions could hurt so many people.
> 
> ...


We met because I wrote a very simple letter, I wrote it from my heart and posted it on Craigslist!!! LOL

In the letter I stated that "I am not perfect" but that I have a good heart. 

When my lady wrote back to me, the first thing she said was that she very much liked my letter, in fact it had inspired her to write one of her own. 

I knew that if the "right" person was out there, and they read my letter, they would respond. And I was right. 

Over 9 months later it is still too good to be true. Not one dissagreement, nothing but hapiness for each other and with each other. 

I know that I spoke to a higher power and asked for a second chance, begged in fact. If you beleive, then perhaps there was something in that? 

In the end I think the important thing to do, is to ALWAYS be honest, no matter how hard it may be. ALWAYS be yourself, no matter how tempting to act otherwise. And ALWAYS be prepared to do what it takes to meet, change your schedule...do whatever but meet and have coffee and talk. Communicate, share, expose who you are, don't hold back. 
Then at least the other person can see for themselves and it will either scare them away or intrigue them more. 

There is a woman for every man out there, I truly beleive this but the challenge is finding them, my lady said she was prepared to "go through a lot of frogs to find my Prince..." 

You will find her. Have faith.


----------



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Well She texted me the night before thanksgiving and asked if she could come get more of her stuff on thanksgiving. I asked her if she was for serious for gosh sake, leave me alone on my first holiday alone. Then she emailed me on thanksgiving morning asking if I would leave her a key to get in. Lol I think she meant it. I emailed back with a nice note saying no I could not but she could come get her stuff the next day. Turns out she needed her snowboarding stuff pronto so she came over on thanksgiving anyway. That was tough for me. She is going to get her "own" place on Jan 1 so about a week after that I am going to ask her to come get all of her stuff. If she really wants a divorce she needs to take it all so I can move on. I am still living day to day and layed in bed and had bad dreams for 12 hours last night. I never lay in bed like that. I have never been truly depressed before but I think I have it now.


----------

