# Am I Right to Be Annoyed?



## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

About 2 years ago me and DH decided to start saving more money so we could buy a house this year. Our discussion was to buckle down and not buy things that we didn't need to buy. All of last year we were pretty good about it except for him buying a hobby thing that he likes. I knew it was something he had been wanting for a while so had no problems with it. Earlier this year, we decided to sell my car to save on the monthly payment ( I work from home and did so before the pandemic and barely drive it). Not long after selling my car, he goes and buys another "hobby" thing. I was annoyed but just dealt with but asked him not to buy anything else. He then turned around and sold it because he said he shouldn't have bought it. We started looking for houses in June but nothing worked out because of the housing market. We did find a piece of land that we loved so decided to buy it instead. We had most of the money and had to take out a small loan to fully pay for it. Our plan is to have that loaned paid off by December of this year so we can start saving again so next year we can start building. In the past 2 months he has gone and bought 2 more "hobby" items. I don't like confrontation at all and he knows I am annoyed by it but really haven't expressed how I feel about it to him and not sure If I am overacting for being pissed off about it.

I feel like I have made sacrifices over the past 2 years to help us buy a home: I am staying at a job I hate and am miserable at because I do make good money and will be hard to find another job making what I make now right away, I let my car go, I work at least 2 weekends of overtime every month (he won't work any at all, which also annoys me), and I have hardly bought myself anything and I cut off any subscriptions and subscription boxes that I subscribed to. He puts these items on credit cards and somehow doesn't feel like it matters because of that. I am not sure how to make him understand and am starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel like he isn't willing to sacrifice somethings.

Am I being ridiculous about this? Just need other peoples perspectives.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> About 2 years ago me and DH decided to start saving more money so we could buy a house this year. Our discussion was to buckle down and not buy things that we didn't need to buy. All of last year we were pretty good about it except for him buying a hobby thing that he likes. I knew it was something he had been wanting for a while so had no problems with it. Earlier this year, we decided to sell my car to save on the monthly payment ( I work from home and did so before the pandemic and barely drive it). Not long after selling my car, he goes and buys another "hobby" thing. I was annoyed but just dealt with but asked him not to buy anything else. He then turned around and sold it because he said he shouldn't have bought it. We started looking for houses in June but nothing worked out because of the housing market. We did find a piece of land that we loved so decided to buy it instead. We had most of the money and had to take out a small loan to fully pay for it. Our plan is to have that loaned paid off by December of this year so we can start saving again so next year we can start building. In the past 2 months he has gone and bought 2 more "hobby" items. I don't like confrontation at all and he knows I am annoyed by it but really haven't expressed how I feel about it to him and not sure If I am overacting for being pissed off about it.
> 
> I feel like I have made sacrifices over the past 2 years to help us buy a home: I am staying at a job I hate and am miserable at because I do make good money and will be hard to find another job making what I make now right away, I let my car go, I work at least 2 weekends of overtime every month (he won't work any at all, which also annoys me), and I have hardly bought myself anything and I cut off any subscriptions and subscription boxes that I subscribed to. He puts these items on credit cards and somehow doesn't feel like it matters because of that. I am not sure how to make him understand and am starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel like he isn't willing to sacrifice somethings.
> 
> Am I being ridiculous about this? Just need other peoples perspectives.


So he doesn't work at all?

Is he a house dad? why doesn't he work?

Second finances are something that shouldn't be hidden or avoided.
Each of you should alreday know what is and is not acceptable. If you don't then you need to sit and agree.

In my house you can get something for less than $100 without discussing it, but it caps at like $300 per month. So you can't just keep buying $100 items.

Who does the finances? 

Each person needs some fun money. Even if it's only $20 to spend on their own however they want. How much your fun money is should be budgeted not just on a whim buys. As long as the other doesn't go over budget then the partner says nothing. Hobbies are great but can quickly be expensive. So again. Discuss, budget and then expect him to act like an adult.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> I feel like I have made sacrifices over the past 2 years to help us buy a home: I am staying at a job I hate and am miserable at because I do make good money and will be hard to find another job making what I make now right away, I let my car go, I work at least 2 weekends of overtime every month (he won't work any at all, which also annoys me), and I have hardly bought myself anything and I cut off any subscriptions and subscription boxes that I subscribed to. He puts these items on credit cards and somehow doesn't feel like it matters because of that. I am not sure how to make him understand and am starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel like he isn't willing to sacrifice somethings.


To begin with, YOU decided what sacrifices you were willing to make. The way I see it, you are playing the martyr here because HE isn't doing what YOU expect him to do; namely, make similar sacrifices (and, I suppose to suffer over said sacrifices as much as you). 

You can't make him "understand" why he should be singing on the same page. Why? Because you don't want him to "understand." You want him to do what YOU expect him to do. 

Starting to feel resentful? Uh, no. I'd say you've built up a full head of steam over the situation as it currently stands. So sit down and tell him why you feel bent. Ask him to give up buying stuff for his "hobby." BTW, what is this "hobby" to which you refer? Sounds like it isn't an actual hobby, since you put it in quotes each time.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So he doesn't work at all?
> 
> Is he a house dad? why doesn't he work?
> 
> ...


He works a full-time job and our kids are grown and out on their own. We did have an agreement for no expensive purchases, some of these are items are over $1000 each time which is why it frustrates me. He also does it and doesn't tell me until it is about to get here, I think he does it that way so I won't talk him out of it.

As far as who does our finances, we each have our own account and we each pay certain bills and then we put a certain amount each month in a joint savings. 

I completely agree with each of us needing to have fun money, but in my opinion he just spends too much.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> He works a full-time job and our kids are grown and out on their own. We did have an agreement for no expensive purchases, some of these are items are over $1000 each time which is why it frustrates me. He also does it and doesn't tell me until it is about to get here, I think he does it that way so I won't talk him out of it.
> 
> As far as who does our finances, we each have our own account and we each pay certain bills and then we put a certain amount each month in a joint savings.
> 
> I completely agree with each of us needing to have fun money, but in my opinion he just spends too much.


Ok so if you both put money in the joint savings does he not put in his share?

If he's abiding by the agreement you have in place then what is the actual complaint about the $'s. 

$1000 is a lot of money but if he is putting in what you two agreed to then what is this actually about?

Or did you two not agree to how much to put in each month for the house build?

Also is the bills split 50/50 or by percentage of who earns what?


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> To begin with, YOU decided what sacrifices you were willing to make. The way I see it, you are playing the martyr here because HE isn't doing what YOU expect him to do; namely, make similar sacrifices (and, I suppose to suffer over said sacrifices as much as you).
> 
> You can't make him "understand" why he should be singing on the same page. Why? Because you don't want him to "understand." You want him to do what YOU expect him to do.
> 
> Starting to feel resentful? Uh, no. I'd say you've built up a full head of steam over the situation as it currently stands. So sit down and tell him why you feel bent. Ask him to give up buying stuff for his "hobby." BTW, what is this "hobby" to which you refer? Sounds like it isn't an actual hobby, since you put it in quotes each time.


You are right, I did decide what sacrifices I was willing to make and I live with that BUT he also said he was going make some sacrifices and then didn't follow through, which is why I am frustrated. You are also probably right that I have built a full head of steam over the situation, I am pretty annoyed and pissed about it to be honest.

As far as the hobby goes, its nothing bad or illegal, just something he likes to collect but don't feel the need to say what it is.

Thanks for your feedback, it is definetly appreciated


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so if you both put money in the joint savings does he not put in his share?
> 
> If he's abiding by the agreement you have in place then what is the actual complaint about the $'s.
> 
> ...


There was no agreement on a particular amount to put in each month. With me working overtime, I am able to put more than he is in each month. Our conversation was basically no extra spending on any major purchases and for us to both put as much as we can in savings. Our bills are pretty much split 50/50 since we make around the same.

This is why I wanted feedback, maybe I am overreacting to the whole situation at this point.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> You are right, I did decide what sacrifices I was willing to make and I live with that *BUT he also said he was going make some sacrifices and then didn't follow through, which is why I am frustrated. *You are also probably right that I have built a full head of steam over the situation, I am pretty annoyed and pissed about it to be honest.


@ncgsdmom77 you have your answer right there in the bold. Trust has been broken because his words and his actions don't match. When someone is acting in an untrustworthy way, you become frustrated--or in other words angry. Anger is an emotion just like any other feeling, and it is reasonable to be angry when words and actions don't match. 

So rather than keeping quiet and squashing how you truly feel, why don't you just tell him that "This is not okay with me"? At the stage of "This is not okay with me" there are still lots of options and compromises that could be made that would also repair the trust, but if you choose to keep it inside and push it down, it'll just build until the full head of steam explodes.

I'd suggest using the W-T-F-S model: "When you...." "I Think...." "I Feel..." and "So I'd like to request..." The When You part should just describe the events that occur to create your frustration. Don't blame or point fingers, just state it as factually as possible. The I Think __ and I Feel ___ parts are because some people are Thinkers and analyze everything and kind of relate to the mind and thoughts...and other people are Feelers and can relate via how it feels or how it makes you feel. In other words, it covers both kinds of people AND it gets you to think about your own thoughts and feelings. While you do this part, consider whether or not * some * of those thoughts and feelings are your own things that you struggle with. And finally, end with a respectful request that gives the person an option that would "fix this." For example, for it to be a request, they have to have the freedom to say "no I'm not willing to do that' otherwise it's a demand. And also, people don't just automatically "know what to do" and can't read minds...so say just ask if they'd be willing to XYZ. If they are not willing, that's fine--then what WOULD they be willing to do that is kind of similar? 

In your specific situation, you might say something like:
When You ... agree to not spend over $1000 unless we both agree to it, but then break that agreement by purchasing before telling me and letting me "find out" when it arrives
I Think ..."Man he did it again!" and "How can I trust him to actually DO what he says he will do?"
I Feel ...Disrespected and afraid to trust what you say
<Pause Here: could some of these thoughts or feelings be because of your own trust issues or because you don't respect your own self? In this instance I say no, he's actually behaved in a way that's breaking trust, so carry on, but at least always ask yourself if some of this is "the man in the mirror.">
So I'd like to request ... if you do not agree to the $1000 limit, that you speak up and say "That's not okay with me" and we can talk about it -OR- if you truly are okay with it, that you actually discipline yourself to get mutual agreement first BEFORE you buy <hobby thing>. If you came to me first, and we talked about it, I'd be more willing to consider it, but when they just show up behind my back, I believe trust has been broken.



> As far as the hobby goes, its nothing bad or illegal, just something he likes to collect but don't feel the need to say what it is.


My Beloved Hubby is a motorcycle enthusiast (I am too). It is 100% good and legal, and it's a hobby. But every time we need something for the bike or new gear, etc. it can cost $$$! So I hear ya. It's not that "the hobby purchase" is bad. In fact, it may be fun and kind of good! But it's the idea that he said one thing and did another. THAT is the issue.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

As a percentage, how much of the total you need to save were these hobby items?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can see where you would feel like you’re doing a lot more than he is regarding an agreed-on mutual goal. I used to feel the same way. My exH made lots of money but he also spent lots of money and it was difficult to depend on him to keep his word about saving toward a mutual goal. I made considerably less than he did but invariably saved more and resented always being the disciplined one. In my case, there was no good solution but I hope that you’re able to find one.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> There was no agreement on a particular amount to put in each month. With me working overtime, I am able to put more than he is in each month. Our conversation was basically no extra spending on any major purchases and for us to both put as much as we can in savings. Our bills are pretty much split 50/50 since we make around the same.
> 
> This is why I wanted feedback, maybe I am overreacting to the whole situation at this point.


So then you did have an agreement and he broke it. 
If you both agreed no extra spending and then he's spending $100's or $1000's he isn't meeting the agreement.

Instead of just plowing ahead. Perhaps sit down and have a talk to see if he still actually wants to build a house. Or what time frame you two are looking at. Figure out how long it will take for him to save up his half. Put your extra money into retirement or some other stop gap savings or spend a little on yourself. It is reasonable to expect him to honor his agreement. But it doesn't sound like he's going to. Don't just plunk more and more of your money into the pot if it's going to build resentment.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> ...BUT he also said he was going make some sacrifices and then didn't follow through, which is why I am frustrated.


Your husband is pulling a typical passive-aggressive move by buying expensive hobby items and not telling you. He knows you'll be angry. He knows you won't approve of it. So he resorts to being sneaky.

Time to put all your cards on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. He'll either realize he needs to quit with the pricey purchases or he'll take it more underground and continue buying whatever-it-is that he collects.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> About 2 years ago me and DH decided to start saving more money so we could buy a house this year. Our discussion was to buckle down and not buy things that we didn't need to buy. All of last year we were pretty good about it except for him buying a hobby thing that he likes. I knew it was something he had been wanting for a while so had no problems with it. Earlier this year, we decided to sell my car to save on the monthly payment ( I work from home and did so before the pandemic and barely drive it). Not long after selling my car, he goes and buys another "hobby" thing. I was annoyed but just dealt with but asked him not to buy anything else. He then turned around and sold it because he said he shouldn't have bought it. We started looking for houses in June but nothing worked out because of the housing market. We did find a piece of land that we loved so decided to buy it instead. We had most of the money and had to take out a small loan to fully pay for it. Our plan is to have that loaned paid off by December of this year so we can start saving again so next year we can start building. In the past 2 months he has gone and bought 2 more "hobby" items. I don't like confrontation at all and he knows I am annoyed by it but really haven't expressed how I feel about it to him and not sure If I am overacting for being pissed off about it.
> 
> I feel like I have made sacrifices over the past 2 years to help us buy a home: I am staying at a job I hate and am miserable at because I do make good money and will be hard to find another job making what I make now right away, I let my car go, I work at least 2 weekends of overtime every month (he won't work any at all, which also annoys me), and I have hardly bought myself anything and I cut off any subscriptions and subscription boxes that I subscribed to. He puts these items on credit cards and somehow doesn't feel like it matters because of that. I am not sure how to make him understand and am starting to feel resentful towards him because I feel like he isn't willing to sacrifice somethings.
> 
> Am I being ridiculous about this? Just need other peoples perspectives.


Is he retired? Does he have an income or are you footing the bill for all this?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

God as my witness, I am never buying another house with a woman ever again. 

If I find myself divorced or widowed, I'll get whatever I want and not have to answer to anyone over what I buy, how much I spend, how I budget my own income etc etc If I want to live in a van down by the river, that will be my own business. 

But I am never going to go through what's being described above again. 

I'm not a financial person, but from what I have seen, unless you win the lottery or get some kind of huge promotion or giant end-of-the-year bonus,, you can't outsave the current housing market. You're chasing your tail trying to save up money because the market will outpace what you'll be able to save unless you turn off all utilities and live on a cup of Ramen Noodles every other day. 

If you're going to buy a house, buy what you can afford with what you have right now because by the time you save "X" amount of money, the market will have have gone up "Y" amount. 

Obviously you need to take financial advise from a financial professional and this is a nonprofessional relationship forum. 

The reason you're frustrated with your H is because he is not as willing to sacrifice his lifestyle and way of life for a bigger house than you are and isn't subjecting himself to as much deprivation and sacrifice as you are........ but that's what being a guy is. We're ok with where we're living right now, otherwise we would have already moved to some place different.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If you're going to buy a house, buy what you can afford with what you have right now because by the time you save "X" amount of money, the market will have have gone up "Y" amount.


I have to tell a funny story about my parents. 

My dad was in the lumber and hardware business way back before the big chain stores like Home Depot et al and had a good understanding of housing and construction markets etc. 

My mom was a very practical and by-the-numbers person and was very thrifty and understood the value of a penny-saved-is- penny-earned mentality. 

They came to an agreement about needing to update their housing and in agreement about building a new house on the same property as their current house at that time. 

My mom being the practical saver wanted to save up money for a year or two to be able to put down a larger down payment. Dad tried to explain the increasing cost of construction materials would probably outpace what they would be able to save. And like all guys, there were guns and motorcycles and cars and fishing equipment etc that would still need to be purchased so he didn't think they would be able to save enough to outpace inflation. 

They went back and forth and couldn't reach an agreement and like the OP she was getting annoyed and frustrated and resentful. 

One day one Dad's buddies in town had rented a backhoe for a project for a day but got done with his project a lot sooner than expected. Dad offered to pay him for half the backhoe rental if he would bring it to Mom/Dad's property and dig the foundation. 

Mom was at work at the time and this was before cell phones or email etc so he didn't have a means of telling her during the day so when she got home from work that evening, there was a big ol' hole in the yard and giant mound of dirt piled up. 

And since the footings and foundation area had been excavated, he needed to act fast on getting materials and starting construction before it started filling in with the rains and such so he ordered the material and contracted the construction...... all while Mom was at work none-the-wiser. 

that was roughly 60 years ago and they've both been gone for several years now and I'm not sure she's completely forgiven him for that yet or not LOL


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I have to tell a funny story about my parents.
> 
> My dad was in the lumber and hardware business way back before the big chain stores like Home Depot et al and had a good understanding of housing and construction markets etc.
> 
> ...


Ha! Smart man.
As it goes, better to ask for forgiveness than ask permission..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> I completely agree with each of us needing to have fun money, but in my opinion he just spends too much.


Let me ask you this - how many bottles of lotion has he bought in the last couple years??

If you go into my wife's bathroom, there will be a bottle of lotion for her hands, a bottle for her feet, a bottle for her face and a bottle for the rest of her body. Each area will get an application first thing in the morning, another application before she goes to bed at night and probably another application at some point or two during the day depending on how dry the air is or how moisturized or dry she feels during the day. 

She also has soap for her hands, soap for her feet, soap for her face, another for her body etc. 

And of course there are a few different bottles of shampoo depending on whether she's running a little on the dry side or the oily side or whether her hair is natural or colored at the time. 

This has been going on since she was probably jr high age (she's in her mid 50s now) 

I on the other hand have NEVER purchased a bottle of lotion in over 57 years nor do ever use any....... at a savings of thousands and thousands of dollars over the decades. 

I'm willing to bet your husband has not purchased any lotions or face creams or shampoos that cost more than a few dollars a quart either. 

Now I honestly DO understand your frustration and resentment. But as some of the other posters have alluded to, your scale of "sacrifice" is different that his. 

Yes, he may have bought $1000 worth of golf clubs. But he was really wanting to get $3000 worth of golf clubs. He may have bought a $1000 gun. But the gun he was really drooling over was probably around $2,000. So he has made sacrifices....... they just weren't sacrifices TO YOU. 

So you need to balance all of these factors in together. He's probably never purchased a single bottle of lotion or face cream in his life. So right there is a savings of thousands and thousands. He's probably never bought a decorative pillow or anything that hangs on a wall. He's probably never bought any kind of figurines or the display cabinet to display them in. He's probably never bought a handbag and probably only has a handful of pairs of shoes and maybe a pair or two of work or snow boots. 

If you are really wanting to see him do some serious saving and budgeting and cutting back, tell him if he can save $8,000 by Valentine's day, you'll go to one of the nudey resorts in the Bahamas and you'll blow him on the beach at dusk and he can look at all the other naked chicks without you elbowing him in the ribs. 

He'll live on day old donuts from the gas station and tuna straight out of the can for the next 5 months LOL


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

........ my point to the above post is unless a guy is a compulsive gambler or an alcoholic or drug addict etc etc ,, the average guy may buy big ticket items that women think are silly like motorcycles, snow mobiles, guns, golf clubs, skis etc 
But those items usually retain at least some monetary and utilitarian value. 

But, on the day-to-day, men live on pennies to the dollar compared to a woman. A guy can live perfectly happy in a one-room with a TV, gaming system and a bean bag and a few sets of clothes in the closet and a mattress on the floor. 

A guy will have a tooth brush, a tube of crest, a bottle of Suave, a razor, a can of shaving cream and some deordorant. And he can live on cheeseburgers, pizza, an apple or two, beer and mac & cheese. 

He may have a $20,000 crotch rocket in the driveway, but he probably still has the same pillow and blankets from his bed from his parents house and he'll probably wear the same jeans until a hole gets worn in the back pocket from his wallet (if he even has a wallet anymore) 

Men by virtue of being men are cheap and save by comparison. His sacrifice is in not keeping a harem of women and of not getting the Maserati and the $50,000 ski boat at the same time.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @ncgsdmom77 you have your answer right there in the bold. Trust has been broken because his words and his actions don't match. When someone is acting in an untrustworthy way, you become frustrated--or in other words angry. Anger is an emotion just like any other feeling, and it is reasonable to be angry when words and actions don't match.
> 
> So rather than keeping quiet and squashing how you truly feel, why don't you just tell him that "This is not okay with me"? At the stage of "This is not okay with me" there are still lots of options and compromises that could be made that would also repair the trust, but if you choose to keep it inside and push it down, it'll just build until the full head of steam explodes.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your advice, it is really great and will use it for sure! 
I hear you on the the money for the motorcycle hobby. His can be costly as well and I am glad he has something that he is in to and it is something he does with my son as well. 
At any other time or in any other circumstance I wouldn't care what he spent but just frustrating right now in this situation.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I can see where you would feel like you’re doing a lot more than he is regarding an agreed-on mutual goal. I used to feel the same way. My exH made lots of money but he also spent lots of money and it was difficult to depend on him to keep his word about saving toward a mutual goal. I made considerably less than he did but invariably saved more and resented always being the disciplined one. In my case, there was no good solution but I hope that you’re able to find one.


Sorry you went through that and thanks, hopefully we will find a resolve.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Your husband is pulling a typical passive-aggressive move by buying expensive hobby items and not telling you. He knows you'll be angry. He knows you won't approve of it. So he resorts to being sneaky.
> 
> Time to put all your cards on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. He'll either realize he needs to quit with the pricey purchases or he'll take it more underground and continue buying whatever-it-is that he collects.


This is why the situation is so frustrating, he makes the purchase without me knowing but tells me before it comes in because I think he is trying to get ahead of any **** storm it is going to cause.
Thanks for your input!


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is he retired? Does he have an income or are you footing the bill for all this?


He is not retired, we both work full-time and he spends his own money on it.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> God as my witness, I am never buying another house with a woman ever again.
> 
> If I find myself divorced or widowed, I'll get whatever I want and not have to answer to anyone over what I buy, how much I spend, how I budget my own income etc etc If I want to live in a van down by the river, that will be my own business.
> 
> ...


Good advice and I hear you on the housing market, it sucks.
We don't want a fancy house, just a simple home on the land we bought, something that is ours out in the country.
He wants it as much as I do, this is not one sided so I just feel he should do what he agreed to do!


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I have to tell a funny story about my parents.
> 
> My dad was in the lumber and hardware business way back before the big chain stores like Home Depot et al and had a good understanding of housing and construction markets etc.
> 
> ...


Lol...thanks for sharing, such a cute and funny story!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> Good advice and I hear you on the housing market, it sucks.
> We don't want a fancy house, just a simple home on the land we bought, something that is ours out in the country.
> He wants it as much as I do, this is not one sided so I just feel he should do what he agreed to do!


In my country, you can build a ready made cabin for about $25,000. It's not the most fancy, but definitely affordable until you're ready to do better.
My brother is also building a house out of C-cans. He paid $7500 for each C-can and he's welding them together. 

Those are options in today's world.


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## ncgsdmom77 (Jan 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> ........ my point to the above post is unless a guy is a compulsive gambler or an alcoholic or drug addict etc etc ,, the average guy may buy big ticket items that women think are silly like motorcycles, snow mobiles, guns, golf clubs, skis etc
> But those items usually retain at least some monetary and utilitarian value.
> 
> But, on the day-to-day, men live on pennies to the dollar compared to a woman. A guy can live perfectly happy in a one-room with a TV, gaming system and a bean bag and a few sets of clothes in the closet and a mattress on the floor.
> ...


I do understand where you are coming from but for me this isn't about counting up the pennies that we each have spent over the past 20 years on items, whatever they may be.
At the end of the day, we made an agreement to obtain something that we both want and I don't feel like he is giving his all to make it happen.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> I do understand where you are coming from but for me this isn't about counting up the pennies that we each have spent over the past 20 years on items, whatever they may be.
> At the end of the day, we made an agreement to obtain something that we both want and I don't feel like he is giving his all to make it happen.


I appreciate your trust being broken, which is the issue at stake. If he had bought one hobby and stuck to that, while saving for your house, you probably would not be complaining, even if that one time purchase was a bit substantial. It's the repeated breaking of your agreement that is bothering you.

I think you're right to be bothered by repeated breaks in trust.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> I do understand where you are coming from but for me this isn't about counting up the pennies that we each have spent over the past 20 years on items, whatever they may be.
> At the end of the day, we made an agreement to obtain something that we both want and I don't feel like he is giving his all to make it happen.


He's not giving his all towards savings for the house because he is a guy. Guys don't value physical houses like women do. I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it is simply fact. 

Sure he agreed to it and he may even want it in his own right, but if he was as hell bent on building a new house as you are, he would grab a hammer and some nails and some boards and start building. That's what guys do. Just like my dad saw one of his buddies running a backhoe so he asked him to come dig the foundation that day. 

Again, if you want to see him give his all in saving for something, offer him the vacation to the swinger resort in the Bahamas and promise to do it on the beach and let him watch everyone else doing it on the beach. He'll barely spend a dime for the next months! LOL And while he's losing weight from intermittant fasting every other day to save on sustenance money, you'll still be buying 4 different types of lotion, 6 different types of soap and decorative pillows. 

You simply have some different values here and you are expecting him to value the new house as much as you...... he doesn't. He agrees with you in principle to save for a new house,, but he simply doesn't feel in his heart the same urgency and yearning that you do and he is obviously not willing to give up certain things for it. He is not you. You are two different people. 

He may not be putting the same level of heart and soul into it as you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't sacrificing or making efforts.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> He's not giving his all towards savings for the house because he is a guy. Guys don't value physical houses like women do. I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it is simply fact.
> 
> Sure he agreed to it and he may even want it in his own right, but if he was as hell bent on building a new house as you are, he would grab a hammer and some nails and some boards and start building. That's what guys do. Just like my dad saw one of his buddies running a backhoe so he asked him to come dig the foundation that day.
> 
> ...


At the very least, he would look into building a small cabin type house for $30,000 that he could just lay cash down.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> This is why the situation is so frustrating, he makes the purchase without me knowing but tells me before it comes in because I think he is trying to get ahead of any **** storm it is going to cause.


So how about telling him it won't cause a **** storm? You just want him to be honest with you. And how about this: Ask him point blank why he feels he needs to buy this crap when he knows both of you are saving to build a home.

Here's my take on this, and forgive me if I'm wrong - I'm just spit-balling here: Does your husband have a history of being somewhat careless with money when it comes to his hobby? Does your husband think he has to hide things from you due to retribution/punishment from you? The reason I ask is because you have to take some responsibility for this situation. It sounds like your husband is afraid of you. Does he have reason to be anxious/afraid/fearful of your reaction when he does something you don't like?

On the one hand, your husband's response to your possible anger sounds childish to me. However, you may have a history of being hell on wheels when he does something that frustrates you.

So what's the honest answer to this? How much of this situation do you own? How much do you feel he owns?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> So how about telling him it won't cause a **** storm? You just want him to be honest with you. And how about this: Ask him point blank why he feels he needs to buy this crap when he knows both of you are saving to build a home.
> 
> Here's my take on this, and forgive me if I'm wrong - I'm just spit-balling here: Does your husband have a history of being somewhat careless with money when it comes to his hobby? Does your husband think he has to hide things from you due to retribution/punishment from you? The reason I ask is because you have to take some responsibility for this situation. It sounds like your husband is afraid of you. Does he have reason to be anxious/afraid/fearful of your reaction when he does something you don't like?
> 
> ...


Let’s rephrase some of this a little. 

Is he careless or self-centered? Those are two different things. Careless is going into bad debt and bills not getting paid because you buying expensive baseball cards that you already have several of squandering away money you don’t have on things that have no inherent value.

Self centered is getting things you want without much regard for other people’s wants but not incurring any actual financial hardship yourself because of it. 

In other words bills are still getting paid, the water isn’t getting shut off and your own credit rating isn’t taking a hit. 

And I agree that this sounds like a mother getting irritated at an ornery little boy. 

Maybe if he would stand up like an adult man and say what he is and what he is not willing to sacrifice and exactly how much he is willing to budget to the house fund, And if she would stop lecturing him on what he does with his money and accept that he may not be as motivated towards building a new house as she is.... they may not agree, but they might at least get along and at least not be angry and resentful towards each other.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> He works a full-time job and our kids are grown and out on their own. We did have an agreement for no expensive purchases, some of these are items are over $1000 each time which is why it frustrates me. He also does it and doesn't tell me until it is about to get here, I think he does it that way so I won't talk him out of it.
> 
> As far as who does our finances, we each have our own account and we each pay certain bills and then we put a certain amount each month in a joint savings.
> 
> I completely agree with each of us needing to have fun money, but in my opinion he just spends too much.


I would start keeping a record of financial incomings and outgoings on a spreadsheet.
Show him after 2-3 months. if he doesn't change his ways, set up a separate account and start putting your money in there.
Keep everything separate.
It is obvious his desire for a house is not as strong as yours, this often happens (my husband resented us spending so much money on renovating our home, but it added to the value substantially, he wanted to buy a very expensive car instead, in our country imported luxury cars are heavily taxed so very expensive. To my mind cars depreciate in value rapidly).
Then see what you want to do


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> ........ my point to the above post is unless a guy is a compulsive gambler or an alcoholic or drug addict etc etc ,, the average guy may buy big ticket items that women think are silly like motorcycles, snow mobiles, guns, golf clubs, skis etc
> But those items usually retain at least some monetary and utilitarian value.
> 
> But, on the day-to-day, men live on pennies to the dollar compared to a woman. A guy can live perfectly happy in a one-room with a TV, gaming system and a bean bag and a few sets of clothes in the closet and a mattress on the floor.
> ...


This is a sweeping generalization, not all men as so simple to maintain. My husbands buys much more expensive shoes and suits compared to me. I am fine with mid range brands, he likes expensive stuff and because he earns more feels entitled to it. I never would say anything. Hobbies like golf are not cheap either when you add in club membership(s), equipment, etc. So i do not agree with your comments. If his wife cooks at home, he is not going to be living on pizza etc. neither. Mine likes going to nice restaurants also, sometimes with and without me if work related.
i agree with the alcoholic comment, mine likes to drink and smoke


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

W-T-F-S model I can think of another WTF! man


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep my husband out spends me too.

and those creams and lotions. Mine cost about $50 a year causeI don’t really use them much. They are really for the guy so us women don’t age as fast.

my hubby’s shoes are more expensive. His clothes are more expensive. His toys maybe more expensive.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> In my house you can get something for less than $100 without discussing it, but it caps at like $300 per month. So you can't just keep buying $100 items.


I believe that this is your answer. My wife and I do the same thing. We do a budget every month and together, we decide what we are going to spend on what. We combine our incomes and budget on that amount. In that budget, there is a line item for my personal money and one for her personal money and we decide together what that amount is. Then that is our money to do with what we please without our spouse's input. I tend to save mine and use it to buy big items. She typically spends all of her's each month on the grandchildren. So if you do a budget each month and decide together on what each person gets for personal money and how much goes into savings for the house, then all resentment is gone because you two have agreed on it.

Right now, you are living on a different set of expectations than your husband, you're not talking about it, and it is leading to you being frustrated and resentful. Come together, come to an agreement, then live by the agreement.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> _*You are right, I did decide what sacrifices I was willing to make and I live with that BUT he also said he was going make some sacrifices and then didn't follow through, which is why I am frustrated. You are also probably right that I have built a full head of steam over the situation, I am pretty annoyed and pissed about it to be honest.*_
> 
> *As far as the hobby goes, its nothing bad or illegal, just something he likes to collect but don't feel the need to say what it is.*


So this fool is buying stamps or minerals or comic books or antiques or WHATEVER nonsense items he collects for $1,000 (or whatever he spent these last TWO times) and thinks *that's* justifiable when you both agreed to try to have your loan paid off by December? 

He's a damned fool. Sorry, but he is. Only an *idiot* would think this makes sense when you're aiming for a short-term financial goal. I'm also willing to bet whatever nonsense items he's been buying are NOT necessary or justifiable expenses. The fact that you haven't had a come to Jesus talk with him shocks me.

So what will you do - wait until this fool has managed to buy up the entire Scooby-Doo comic book set for $5,000 in the next 6 weeks before you finally find your voice?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ncgsdmom77 said:


> He wants it as much as I do,


Not really. You're thinking "as soon as possible" and he's thinking "manana". Instant gratification is more important to him.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> He's not giving his all towards savings for the house because he is a guy. Guys don't value physical houses like women do. I'm sorry that sounds sexist but it is simply fact.


The only reason I have furniture is because I live with my wife, otherwise it would be lawnchairs and a mattress in the corner just like a crackhouse.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> The only reason I have furniture is because I live with my wife, otherwise it would be lawnchairs and a mattress in the corner just like a crackhouse.


I just need a bean bag and a Tablemate.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I bought a real bed once with a frame and boxspring and everything in my mid 20s when I had a girlfriend that was going to be staying at my place quite a bit. 

Otherwise I have never purchased a piece of furniture in my life.

In my younger days I had some roommates that left their furniture behind when they moved in with their GFs and the GFs had furniture. 

I’ve had some old GFs give me their old furniture when bought new.

And since I’ve been married, furniture just kind of magically appears. I come home from work and there is a new recliner or new couch or something there.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

I can safely say I would not be married to you.


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