# Cheating ???



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I never thought about it this way. You date for years and fall in love. You have a sex life that is very good and frequent and you both seem extremely happy with both the quantity and the quality of the sex. You get married and 3 years down the road your sex life is cut in half by your other half , You not happy about it but its still pretty good. 3 more years it cut in half again by the other person. You have no control over it. Your in the relationship and you talk to the other person and tell them your not happy with the sex life but they just tell you they have lost interest in sex. They love you but they are just not into sex the way they use to be. You love them but your not happy with the sex in the marriage. You begin to feel trapped because they no longer have the drive they did when you got married but your married. Isn't that in a way cheating the other person? When you get married and your in agreement that the sex life is good and your happy and then the quantity and quality is changed without you agreeing? I never really thought about it in this way.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Happyquest said:


> I never thought about it this way. You date for years and fall in love. You have a sex life that is very good and frequent and you both seem extremely happy with both the quantity and the quality of the sex. You get married and 3 years down the road your sex life is cut in half by your other half , You not happy about it but its still pretty good. 3 more years it cut in half again by the other person. You have no control over it. Your in the relationship and you talk to the other person and tell them your not happy with the sex life but they just tell you they have lost interest in sex. They love you but they are just not into sex the way they use to be. You love them but your not happy with the sex in the marriage. You begin to feel trapped because they no longer have the drive they did when you got married but your married. Isn't that in a way cheating the other person? When you get married and your in agreement that the sex life is good and your happy and then the quantity and quality is changed without you agreeing? I never really thought about it in this way.


I've seen this from a first person and third person view. Seems to me it is the classic bait and switch. Everything is great and then a while into marriage it just starts to fall apart. Have you talked to your spouse about this? What do they say?


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Yes, it is a con. Many male friends told me it would happen, but nooo, not to me.

Then they cheat and/or walk away all the while blaming you.

3 months into separation after her second EA and 2 year sexless marriage can leave a person bitter.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

A spouse withholding sex is just as much cheating as one committing adultery. IMO


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

This is one way in which a rugswept affair really costs the betrayed spouse. Not only does the quantity of the sex they get go down, but the quality and variety does as well. Happiness = quant * qual * variety * time. 

Tamat


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OP - the problem with your post, what if the spouse (maybe your W in your post) has legitimate reasons for loss in sex drive (health, hormones, etc...)? I would not rush to judgement immediately that it someway equates to cheating. Now, if the SO is unwilling to address the issue, then I would consider it a breach of contract and something to consider in terms of divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maybe, in your context [your instance?], the sex quantity and quality often falls off after marriage. It certainly is true for many couples. The reasons are numerous, boredom in the bedroom, stress in all facets of married life, resentments build as the years pass, sex becomes vanilla and passé. Harmful habits involving sex in the bedroom become ingrained unless one can convince the other [LD or less interested party] Different levels of sexual drive, HD/LD issues. I would quote age but that seems to be an issue later in the marriage, say, after age 50 and after menopause for the women and falling testosterone for the male [ED]. Health issues show up as early as the 40's for some. For some it is body image, [theirs or spouses, both]. CSA...

The main problem is: There are two people involved in the bedroom. If one of them goes south in the sex department then both effectively [eventually] do. This reasons on and on, ad-nauseum. 

Is this cheating? Hell no, this reality for a lot of folks. Stop making inane analogies. 

I see the same problem when retirement age comes along, one partner gets sick or become somewhat/totally incapacitated: all the future plans for retirement activities get slammed to the ground. Did the ailing partner cheat you out of your retirement plans? Nope, "That's Life". Right Frankie? Only a selfish Bozo would think otherwise.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Happyquest said:


> You begin to feel trapped because they no longer have the drive they did when you got married but your married. Isn't that in a way cheating the other person?


When I was dating and I first got married, we would have sex up to three times a day. Then after many years of marriage it got down to less than three times a month, and I found myself frustrated. ... Now in the past two days we have had sex four times. 

Looking back was my wife ever cheating me? *No!*

Well then who was cheating who? *We were both cheating ourselves!*

What do I mean by that? *Look in the mirror my friend next time you want to start playing the blame game and ask yourself if that looks super sexy or super not!*

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Withholding sex is not cheating. It can be as wrong as cheating, but it is not cheating.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

While withholding sex is not cheating, it is a common consequence of cheating.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that withholding sex is as bad for a marriage as cheating. It puts someone in the position of either violating a vow that they made with a good faith expectation of sex, or giving up a very important part of their lives. 

Of course there are situations where withholding sex is reasonable - medical issues etc. Also there has to be an expectation that sex is mutual, no one should feel required to provide sex to a selfish (or abusive) partner. 

Note - by "withholding" I don't mean sometimes turning down sex, I mean doing so consistently over a long period of time.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think that withholding sex is as bad for a marriage as cheating. It puts someone in the position of either violating a vow that they made with a good faith expectation of sex, or giving up a very important part of their lives.
> 
> Of course there are situations where withholding sex is reasonable - medical issues etc. Also there has to be an expectation that sex is mutual, no one should feel required to provide sex to a selfish (or abusive) partner.
> ...


withholding sex is violating a vow. That is what to have and to hold actually means.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Find it hard to believe that sex is the only problem. A serious drop in sex is usually the symptom of a greater problem in the relationship or with one of the partners. Everything else isn’t awesome, and sex just dwindles to 10% per year. Lol Not that any one person in the relationship is to blame, but there’s just way more to it than what’s being presented, typically.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I know it seems like that must be true, but there are a lot of cases were everything else is good, but sex dwindles. It is sort of the definition of LD - someone who isn't interested in sex even when everything else is good. 

As you say, there are many cases where someone doesn't want sex due to other relationship issues, or their partner being unattractive, a selfish lover, etc. 

You will find here though a lot of cases of people who really are doing everything reasonable and more, yet their partner still do not want sex. In some cases the relationship has always been like that, and their misguided partners (like me) just assumed that things would get better. In other case there was a clear (deliberate or not) bait / switch where sex was common and good before marriage, then disappeared - except for baby making. 

I think HD people can't imagine this. The feel that if they are with a good, loving partner who cares for them, and who does their fair share of work in a marriage, that sex would be desirable. 






*Deidre* said:


> Find it hard to believe that sex is the only problem. A serious drop in sex is usually the symptom of a greater problem in the relationship or with one of the partners. Everything else isn’t awesome, and sex just dwindles to 10% per year. Lol Not that any one person in the relationship is to blame, but there’s just way more to it than what’s being presented, typically.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Find it hard to believe that sex is the only problem. A serious drop in sex is usually the symptom of a greater problem in the relationship or with one of the partners. Everything else isn’t awesome, and sex just dwindles to 10% per year. Lol Not that any one person in the relationship is to blame, but there’s just way more to it than what’s being presented, typically.


This is true.
One thing I figured out during 25 years of marriage is that my wife absolutely HATES when I am needy. Apparently, wanting sex with your wife projects neediness like nothing else.
It's as if I am to want sex, but I cannot project that "want" in any way that insinuates that I can't live without it.
It's a difficult place to be.
The ultimate catch-22.

I will tell you it would be a hell of a lot easier if I had more than one wife


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I've said this before and I know that it is a rather controversial position. For those of you that have read it from me before please forgive my repetition on the subject.

First off, monogamy isn't natural. In fact being monogamous is fighting our very DNA. Before everybody starts to burn me in effigy claiming that I'm promoting cheating on a fidelity website, that isn't what I'm doing. I'm not against marriage, I'm not in an open marriage or the "lifestyle", I am merely stating a fact and that fact is that genetically we are not meant to be monogamous. The evolutionary traits of the human reproduction system proves that. Sociologists have studied primitive cultures and even our evolutionary ancestors and proven that non monogamy is engrained into us. 

The reason is simple, it increases the chance of reproducing. Our genetically encoded need to reproduce is the single strongest natural urge we have. The greater the number of partners you have the greater of a chance of creating off spring and improving the gene pool. This is not a new concept, look up sperm competition, it is just the tip of the iceberg. 

I'm not saying this as a way to promote cheating or excuse partners who lose interest in copulation with their spouses. I say this to draw attention to the fact that you are fighting a battle against mother nature herself and for this reason you need to know how hard the fight is.

It is very normal for new partners to have those feelings of excitement when they first pair and then they want to go at it like bunnies all the time because of that new relationship infatuation. Soon that infatuation drifts off and you settle into routine and eventually routine leads to boredom.

This is nature at work. Way back before birth control and overpopulation we copulated for the purpose of procreation. We meet a viable partner to create offspring. They have qualities and physical characteristics that make them an attractive mate so we get busy. This new relationship brings on a rush of dopamine and endorphins that create an infatuation. This infatuation is important because it lasts about as long as it takes to get through the gestational period, sire an offspring and give the birthing partner time to recover from the process of birth and become physically able to be self sufficient again. Once this infatuation wears off and in our more primitive days the pairing would have ended upon successfully starting off a new life.

Now in more modern times we have the moral codes that have been adopted as a way of keeping a stronger social harmony and with those morals came the concept of monogamy. But here is the trick, how do you fight nature after that 2 year mark.

My point is that because your partner has lost interest in sex doesn't mean she is cheating you out of anything it means that she is falling prey to boredom and you need to find a way to re-engage her mind by re-inventing yourself. Whether this is by becoming a more alpha figure or by becoming more romantic or a combination of many things you will need to figure out what works best for you. It won't be easy, You are after all fighting nature and that is one hell of a hard battle. 

Start by adopting my favorite Mantra, seduction starts at the breakfast table. What I mean by this is don't go to bed and start pawing at your wife after showing no interest all day and than expect to see her respond like a race care. A woman's motor takes a long time to start and to warm up. The ignition switch is in her mind not her pants. Make her think about you and let her know you're thinking about her. Subtle kisses on the back of the neck and sexy compliments whispered in her ear while she is getting ready for work will resonate in her mind long after you've parted. An intimate hug and touch while she's making dinner or holding her hand while watching tv build the intimacy that she needs to feel connected enough to want to engage in more physical activities later.

A marriage is like a fire, it can burn like a hot and intense bon fire for only so long before it settles down to a sustainable more controlled gentle warming hearth fire that gives you what you need with out all the excess. it doesn't have to be with out passion but the passion can be more directly targeted to what you each want and desire without all the wasted heat.


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