# Need Advice ASAP - long story ...



## lonely_wife3 (May 23, 2011)

:scratchhead:OK - looking for some friendly advice, pretty please. ray:
Here is the situation...
I need to give everyone a little background first:

Hubby & I have been together for almost 13 yrs. Only married for 2 (but that is only a peice of paper to us). We have an 11 yr old son. I am 33 and he is 47. This is his 3rd marriage, my first. I have some health issues (none life threatening as of now). I am a thick woman -think big boned even when thinner (he likes women with "meat" on their bones) but I am at the high end of my usual weight spectrum right now. I have bad knees due to the weight & brusitis in both hips. I also have a bad back (muscle spasms in upper/mid back & moderate arthrits in lower). I have nerve issues in my face and elsewhere. I am on a bunch of meds. These meds leave my brain swiss cheesed (and I am very intelligent and used to be a wonderful all around office person - could do it all and did!) and leave it difficult to acheive an orgasm. But that does NOT stop me from wanting sex - for sure! 
Hubby is a truck driver, regional not long hual. Home most nights - but basically to shower, eat & sleep. We run our own business with me doing the "business" end of it - i don't work outside the home. Lately he has had to help me by reminders and checking on my work - due to my swiss cheese brain. He has also started to do much more housework as I am also physically unable to keep up with it. I am sure on some level I am depressed as well. My father (who lived with us for the past 10 yrs) passed away last year and I took it very hard. 
We have a lot of financial stress at the moment as we are nearing foreclosure, behind on the bills and have customers who owes us $ but aren't paying. 
We are also self described hermits. We don't like people & have a very hard time making friends. At the moment he has 2 good friends & I have none (just "broke up" with my best friend of 13 yrs and plan to stay that way - it was a very toxic relationship that I needed out of). So this is kind of why I am here - i have No One else to talk to about this. My mother would just take his side and so on as she has alsways liked him better than me etc.
We began having sex issues 4 years ago. At the time there was a little stress in our lives not as much as now though. But I told him that I am a submissive and needed to submit to him (note I did not tell him I needed him to be dominant etc - just what I needed to do for him etc). He didn't really know how to handle it but made a good go of it. Not enough for me but I understood that dominance is not in his nature and accepted what he gave me. We settled into a pattern that worked ok for both of us I thought. At the time he was pulling away sexually as he was bothered when I didn't "O" and felt there was not enough intamacy afterward. Well when I didn't "O" I was sometimes upset or angry & hence ran away from him so he wouldn't see (who was I kidding?). I tried to be there for him more afterwards and it got better for awhile. Anytime we went away for the weekend etc the sex was Great! 
One problem that we have almost always had was that emotionally I equate sex with love. ( I was twisted as a child by things I don't want to go into here) I try not to, but it is hardwired at this point. So I want sex Alot. and I mean Alot. I can want sex immediately after sex if you get my drift. He is a very sensitive man (passive too). He needs to be touches all the time & used to touch me all the time too. I beleive that through the years he has pulled away frm touching me as much because it used to lead to me wanting sex & he didn't nessisarily want to go there - so he stopped touching me as much to the point that now he doesn't do it much at all - but he still needs to be touched & I do so. 
I have a hard time at night with touching him so he can relax & fall asleep as this touching will turn me on. For awhile I would get angry or hurt if he wasn't in the mood. Finally recognizing what I was doing led me to build a wall so that I could touch him & not get turned on. But that led to an issue where I would not be "ready" if he was in the mood. (The same touching he likes to fall asleep he also likes to get aroused) So it made it harder & harder for me to orgasm. Because I knew this bothered him I have been faking it quite a bit.  
Anyways - he is now almost never in the mood. He is either too tired or stressed out or needs to go to sleep as he needs to get up early (think 2 am) :sleeping:. The only time I can think we might have sex is after he has been off for a full day & doesn't have to get up early. This is about 1 time a month if I am lucky. Also I am the on who initaites sex now - all the time - for the past several years. I feel like I have to chase it down <pout>.
I noticed that he was watching porn before he went to work in the mornings (I was checking the pc history); I asked if he was masturbating to it (while I slept downstairs). He said not but that he does masturbate in his truck when he is away at night. He suggested that I do the same here. This upset me but I did not let on. He Never used to masturbate as I was always willing, ready & able to "help" however he wanted. I have tried masturbation, but it can take me over 2 hrs and isnt worth it to me. I have too much else to do. Oh - side note, he likes sex in the am & i don't do well when i first wake up. I never orgasm then. Also he states that it is too hard to get me to wake up in the morning so he stopped trying to. So I could probably be having alot more sex if I could manage to wake up at 2 am when he does. 

Due to his schedule and my zero friends I have gotten very lonely. Very lonely. I decided that I would have an affair. Stupid I know. I started checking out Ashley Madison and talking to some guys form there. Nothing happened. However...
I got an email from him last friday am (he sent it before he left for work at 1 am). The email stated and I quote: "I hurt so bad I can't breathe. I work so hard to support us. I understand you can clean, work or do the business stuff well anymore and yet you have time to manage a gmail account and someone else; how much you miss them".

He found out that I had a secret email account and was emailing another man. He did not read the email (to my knowledge anyways) just saw my signature line which was my name - a flower next to it and a note of "I miss you -even though I haven't even met you (yet?)" Not sure if the yet was there or not. He saw this on thursday afternoon. He thought something was up because I asked him to not go on PC & wait for me to get home to help me with groceries. I did this because I am the one who always brings them in lately (last couple of years!). I assumed that the email was closed (I used private browsing feature) as I always close it. (Did i subcounciencely leave it open to be found out??) So he went on the PC before I got home & saw this. He then spent the afternoon/evening not saying anything about it. He may have seemed off to me but he was claiming tobe so tired he couldn't even go to my son's science fair with us. Before I left for that I tucked him into bed with the TV and a book and glasses. We also got a notice from our mortgage comapny right before I left about a rep coming to see about ways to avoid forclousure. So he was reading that when I left. He was sleeping when I came home - but woke up and was ok with me (or so I thought at the time). We went to sleep as he needed to be up at midnight. 
So after I see this email I try to call him etc. He ignores me all day. Sends me a reponse to a text in the afternoon telling me he will call me when he is loaded. Then 4 hrs later he sends me a text telling me he is going to sleep & we will talk the next day. We texted back & forth a bit (at this point I did not know how much of the email he had read and there were racy parts) and he told me he still loved me and I said sorry so many times I lost count. 
The next night we did finally talk 3 hrs after he got home. He said " So what is going on". I told him it was someone I met on a marriage advice board and we were talking about him. He was upset about the "I miss you". I told him I didn't mean it - was just something I said. We talked awhile about me being lonely, him being tired & stressed our sex life and so on. 
We decided that we needed counseling. So I am calling to make appointment for this week. 

So - basically I am looking for any and all advice you guys can give me. I am afraid of so many things right now. I am afraid he doesn't deisre me anymore (but not from this last thing - just something gradual maybe?). I feel like the tired & stressed thing shouldn't be it - as he used to work almost around the clock & it didn't affect our sex life. Maybe it is the age thing? I was afraid of another woman - but I don't think he has the time! 

What do you all think??? :scratchhead: I will answer any & all questions if you need more info etc. 
Thank you so much for reading my story & giving your advice. [/I][/I]


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## lonely_wife3 (May 23, 2011)

I needed to add something... Way back when my son was just over a year old - i got scared. Scared of our relationship, being a new mother & just about everything. So I ran. Halfway across the country to another man that I met online. I actually met both him & his wife online as I was looking to join another couple (I am bi & thought that was what i needed). I lived there 2 weeks before coming home & begging to be taken back & obviously I was. I did have a sexual affair with said man - but hubby only suspects. I was adamant that nothing happened (why hurt him further?). 
He did bring this up the other night when we talked. I had suspected that he never got past this (we did go to counseling for a short while after I came home & it seemed to help us). 
Is he ever going to trust me again? Should he? Can I trust myself to commit to make this work?????


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## imconfused (May 23, 2011)

I’ll tell you what…. I thought I had real problems. I can’t say you are right or he is right. You need counseling; however, if you cheated on him in the past, you should come clean. Why hurt the guy?
It isn’t right to cheat if you are not happy. Divorce first, then go out and do what you want. Trust me, my sex life is not all what I want it to be, but I won’t run off. It sounds like you want to be satisfied and he will never really do it for you. You have to either set your priorities, or find another place to get yourself happy. 
Sorry if that doesn’t help, its just one point of view.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you want to even attempt to fix the problem, it's time to be totally honest. I don't think you can fix the issues if you're not. And don't "trickle truth" him.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonely_wife3 (May 23, 2011)

I always thought there was a feeling "out there" that telling your partner about an affair - or details etc was just hurting them. I love him with all my heart. He has told me that if I were to leave him etc there would be no other for him. 
I beleive that if I told him the details of these "affairs" that he would be too hurt to heal from it. There would be no future for us. How can I hurt my best friend, my soul mate, like that?

Does anyone think there is anything to be done other than come totally clean??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LW, in my opinion, not telling is only an option if you plan on ending the marriage without trying to reconcile. If you want to fix things, honesty is the only way to go. It will hurt, but he needs to have all the facts if he can make a decision to try to work through things or not.

Personally, I think the "not telling" approach has more to do with protecting the cheater's feelings and emotions than the loyal spouse's feelings... As in, you don't want to tell because you feel so guilty and bad about what you've done.

As an FYI, this is coming to you from someone who also cheated on their spouse, so don't think I'm judging you. In my case, I decided that my affair was a last gasp effort at filling a need while still remaining married, and it was obviously a really bad idea (one that I take full blame for that decision). So we separated (working towards a divorce), and my spouse doesn't know. Telling her when I'm not willing to reconcile anyway would just be hurtful in my opinion. Of course, I could just be justifying my actions, so take it with a grain of salt... My counsellor also did not advocate telling my wife about the affair.

You might get more feedback on the "Coping With Infidelity" forum, at least with regards to telling or not. 

C


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## lonely_wife3 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks PBear for the advice. 
I definately agree with the not telling if the relationship is going to end. That is just hurtful & mean. 

I am afraid that if I tell him, he will be devestated & unable to forgive me at all. 

Sadly I don't feel guilt over my actions, only over hurting him. 

And I have been making calls for 2 days & am still unable to find a therapist. Just great. 

Hubby can only reliably be home on Friday nights (after 6 pm) and I have been told almost no therapist does work that late. Even though my son's therapist (he started going for grief) can see him as late as 9 pm! <shrug> Maybe this is fate's way of telling me that therapy is just going to be a waste of time?

We haven't had sex since the weekend before all this happened. He doesn't get aroused in the slightest near me. In the am he usually plays a couple of online games before he heads out the door. THis am he was supposed to wake me up & didn't. I checked the PC history & he didn't play his games all he did was watch an hour of porn. I feel worse & worse about the porn & about him masturbating instead of coming to me. I have NEVER EVER turned him down in all 13 years. Never. Maybe that is an issue???


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## lonely_wife3 (May 23, 2011)

UPDATE:

ok so we talked yesterday - 
Apparently the lack of interest on his part is a multi-pronged issue. 
For 1 he is tired. 
For 2 he feels like no matter what it is never enough for me (might be true).
For 3 - He feels inadequate when he can't make me orgasm & hence doesn't want to try again & fail. Even though I have told him time & time again that it is NOT him but due to my meds & I enjoy the sex regardless. 

Yesterday was really a complete eye opener & a devestating day. We were out together for part of the day & during this I gave him oral sex with NO thoughts of myself. I honestly did it for him. & he took it that way. No touching me etc. I know he is still hurting - so this was my way of bring nice to him I guess. Letting him blow off steam so to speak without him having to please me. 
Well when we got home I wanted to kiss & hug him (to feel close to him - I feel alone alot). He took this as I wanted him to make love to me. When he pushed me away I stood at the counter with my eyes closed trying not to cry (as I felt he didn't want to be close to me and so on). He thought it was becasue I wasn't getting sex. So then he tells me (a little while later) that earlier he had considered making love to me that night but now he felt like he couldn't. He also felt stuck between a rock & a hard place (no pun intended). He felt like he didn't want to make love to me as he was still hurt - but due to our talk & my feelings, he felt like he had to. I of course told him he didn't have to - releasing him from whatever he was feeling. Stupid Stupid me.. I somehow thought that after all that was said & my explaning my actions earlier that he might go back to actually wanting to make love to me. Yeah well I was wrong. And of course this mad me cry in bed. Which probably got him irratated but he did not show it as he was trying to sleep. 
He told me yesterday that he could understand why his watching the porn & masturbating could feel to me like he was cheating with himself. He did not however say he would stop or anything else. He just reiterates that I am never in the mood in the morning or awake. Dammit - how can I be expected to be awake at 2 am???? well last night I made sure I was. I don't think I slept more than a few minutes at a time all night. Did me no good. He left without even a kiss goodbye.  

I am truly worried that we will not get past this or be able to fix it. I have called over 15 therapists that are on our insurance & none of them can fit us in. Now what???


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