# Why don't men just divorce instead?



## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce? 

Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

I also assume that the men that do this are not on TAM posting...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why would he? He has a home, his kids and someone there to care for them and (I assume) cook and clean. Someone for sex. And he gets to do whatever he wants. 
Divorce mean so legal fees, child support, court, visitation, doing his own cooking and cleaning and finding a new home. 

She needs to divorce. The one who doesn't like the behaviour is the one who will need to decide if they live with it or leave.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Because they haven't yet learned the answer to this riddle:
Why is Divorce so expensive?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


Great question, I guess it has something to do with cake eating


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...




Because for some men having someone to abuse and disrespect is the point of being married.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Agree with that ^^

I think that when you're dealing with an abusive person (gender doesn't matter)...the person doesn't have any desire to change, and doesn't know any other way to ''be'' in a relationship. The cycle of abuse usually involves a lot of empty promises and apologies from the abuser, the abused person believes it and is too afraid to leave, and then the abuser gains the trust back again...and the cycle goes on and on. It's sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


Are you talking about your husband here?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

One reason I can think of is that regardless of the stereotype of women being the keepers of the relationship, many men are the real keepers of their relationship. Such men, tend to believe we mate for life and they will stick around hoping for things to change rather than admit they may have chosen wrongly. I know, I was one of them.
I subjected myself to all sorts of abuse (non-physical, mainly emotional or psychological). I realize now, that I shouldn't blame her. She was just doing the best she knew how, as was I. But, I was the one who allowed it to happen to me, who accepted it. I can now think of any number of "crisis" points where, instead of enforcing my own boundaries, I caved to save the marriage. Had I been more assertive, I could have saved myself years of suffering. Perhaps she would have left sooner, or perhaps she would have changed her ways. In the end we will never know, but what I do know is that I allowed myself to suffer needlessly for many more years than I should have.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I should add, that there is no male equivalent to the "you go girl!" support network. Guys tend to have to go it alone where as, society and the court system tend to favor women. So if a guy is being abused, he typically suffers in silence, where as a woman is not only encouraged to leave, but oftentimes celebrated and/or rewarded for doing so.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you're referring to men who cheat, most don't want a divorce.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Just seems like a lot of people would rather play a really complicated game than get divorced. The game seems to take so much effort that it just couldn't be worth the effort? for anyone. 

As for the no equivalent to the you go girl... I think men go out for drinks and bash the mans soouse. Telling the man to dump her etc...


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why would he? He has a home, his kids and someone there to care for them and (I assume) cook and clean. Someone for sex. And he gets to do whatever he wants.
> Divorce mean so legal fees, child support, court, visitation, doing his own cooking and cleaning and finding a new home.
> 
> She needs to divorce. The one who doesn't like the behaviour is the one who will need to decide if they live with it or leave.


If they are married for a long time, alimony comes into play as well as half the assets-- 401K and SS... So it's basically cheaper to keep her around OR just work on the marriage so that it's pleasant for years to come. But marriages that are fairly new, I would get out if it's unfixable (constant cheating, drugs,etc), why stay and have more kids with this person... RUN!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

InspiralImplode said:


> Just seems like a lot of people would rather play a really complicated game than get divorced. The game seems to take so much effort that it just couldn't be worth the effort? for anyone.
> 
> As for the no equivalent to the you go girl... I think men go out for drinks and bash the mans soouse. Telling the man to dump her etc...


If you're referring to cheating, the effort and risk and complications involved add to the excitement of the new toy. That doesn't mean they want to let go of the familiar toy. They want both.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


*... but unfortunately, a whole lot of money that they're too damned selfish to dole out, all in the form of legal fees, alimony, child support, detective work, seperate residence maintenance, split up of community assets, et.al.

And please! This, in no way, should never be an excuse or not to be construed as a right for their sorry selfish actions!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


Wow, that's painting with a very broad brush! lol None of those nasty traits are gender specific. You should meet my ex wife, maybe your opinion would be a bit more balanced.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cooper said:


> Wow, that's painting with a very broad brush! lol None of those nasty traits are gender specific. You should meet my ex wife, maybe your opinion would be a bit more balanced.


No doubt! Being married to an NPD woman...pure evil that woman is.

I do suspect that horrible behaviour in marriage is likely pretty evenly split between the genders, and that for every monster man, there is an equally monstrous woman.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


Why call out only one gender? Women are capable of this, too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ghost Rider said:


> InspiralImplode said:
> 
> 
> > Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> ...


I'm guessing she's asking cause she's in that situation. She's not saying "why do men..." but "why a man would" I read her post as "why would my husband..."


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm guessing she's asking cause she's in that situation. She's not saying "why do men..." but "why a man would" I read her post as "why would my husband..."


Ok, maybe my knee jerked too much. My apologies. Just from having lived with my BPD wife for 15 years.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm guessing she's asking cause she's in that situation. She's not saying "why do men..." but "why a man would" I read her post as "why would my husband..."


Quite likely. However, it is a good lesson to actually say what one means rather than leading with sweeping generalizations that denigrate an entire gender. If the op's issue is specifically with her husband, then she needs to adress the man she chose to marry rather than all the ones she didn't.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Obviously it's the expense and the way men are treated in the courts otherwise they would just divorce and you would see the rates of men:women initiating divorce even out. But now a man has to weight his options of losing a lot of his assets, becoming a part time dad, bankruptcy. Sometimes it's just easier to not do anything just yet and wait until tomorrow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

InspiralImplode said:


> Curious about some reasons why a man would choose to abuse, disrespect, act selfish, disregard, spend more time away and fight with their wife and disappoint the kids than to just get a divorce?
> 
> Seems a divorce would take way less thought, brain damage and effort...


Surely its up to the wife to end a marriage if her husband acts so badly?


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

Because they're cowards and codependents.

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