# Compassion and Empathy



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

A TEDtalk - Joan Halifax: Compassion and the True Meaning of Empathy.

'Any attachment to outcome would distort deeply my own capacity to be fully present...'

'A person that is cultivating compassion, when they are in the presence of suffering, they feel that suffering a lot more than many other people do. However they return to baseline a lot sooner. This is called resilience.'


The talk focuses on essential components of compassion. One of which I hadn't considered before in relation to compassion; that component being that we cannot be attached to outcome. 

Admittedly I was viewing this talk for reasons other than marriage. While we often share thoughts here about talking responsibility, being accountable, that we can only change ourselves... compassion and empathy can still very much be present and demonstrated towards our spouse. Perhaps through practicing self-compassion, we're able to become even more compassionate with our spouse as a result. It was actually a recent post by MEM that stuck with me and inspired the sharing of this talk. 

Any views on the talk? And how do you and your spouse demonstrate empathy and compassion in your marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Interesting. I read the transcript...was a bit of out there but the main point was teaching compassion, living compassion and thriving compassionately. A collection of ideas she posited with little take away "how to's." I think your post, Hearts, better encapsulates her ideas.

To answer your question, "how do spouses show empathy and compassion, what role does empathy and compassion play in your marriage," it depends. It depends on the need for compassion and the ability to show compassion.

If I am in need of compassion do I then lack compassion myself when confronted by someone who lacks the ability to show compassion? 

To be attached to the outcome would indeed distort compassion and empathy. To feel what I feel is to also understand that moving from this place of pain, or heartache, or thrill, can only happen once I have worked my way to the other side. The deep and acute grief doesn't go away because someone said some kind platitude. But to have a touch, a moment of oneness in this feeling is to share the burden for a moment. Sharing the burden for a moment, for enough times, can eventually lighten the load so movement can take place. One cannot share in the burden if they are focused on the outcome. 

In my own marriage my husband did not know how to show compassion or empathy. This is not to say he was careless, he did care, he simply had no idea how to show it. Men are doers and the ability to be in the moment sharing the burden isn't a skill masculinity gravitates toward, as an over generalized rule. 

Needing his compassion I taught it to him. This is the "there there" noises one makes to show compassion. This is the touch one gives to show compassion. This is the facial expression...etc etc. it didn't take long for him to show compassion once he understood the basic premise of compassion: To feel and share the burden of the feeling which lightens the load for a moment.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Nice topic, HB. I think my husband and I both have a lot of compassion for each other, and although empathy can come and go, we try to take care of each other in whatever way we can. Empathy is sometimes difficult when you truly cannot understand what your partner is feeling, either because you never feel it yourself or because it just hasn't been explained to you in a way you can understand...but even when we can't actually feel what the other one feels, we do try to address each other with compassion. So if I say "my feelings are hurt because blah blah blah" he may not understand or be able to feel my feelings, but he will still respond to the "hurt" part with compassion.

We have found that on some things, there is very little ability to truly empathize (no way to feel something you've never felt) but it actually doesn't matter since we only care about taking care of each other, not 100% same feelings all the time. I think it is when you have no empathy (because you cannot for whatever reason) and then without that empathy you also assume the other person is wrong or stupid or evil that problems occur. Or when you can't recognize that you actually never feel empathy...this would be a sign of a PD or having ASD. But even people who are ASD can recognize that another person is distressed and respond appropriately, even without being able to feel the way the other person does. Some with a PD can do this too, but certain PD's are unable to.

Or if it is a person without a PD or ASD who is unable to feel empathy, this may just be an unusually cruel person or perhaps someone who just refuses to emotionally engage.

I think empathy is only important to the extent that the response to other people's pain and suffering (and joy and happiness) is appropriate. Compassion is even more important I believe, because it doesn't even require feeling the pain or joy of another, it just requires being kind and willing to do the right thing for others as needed.

I do feel glad that my husband and I seem to be good in these areas. When I read some of the stories around here I feel bad for one or both spouses when reading about the lack of compassion and empathy. The only way my husband and I have made it together is because our love inspires our compassion and empathy so that we go out of our way to care for each other in all cases.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

What a great topic!! I think compassion and empathy are very important to a marriage. I think it requires active listening, being fully present, followed by asking our partners what they need from us. I, myself, have a bad habit of thinking of what I'm going to say while someone is talking and interjecting my own advice when my spouse (or whomever really) may just want me to listen. I always try to ask, " Do you want to know what I think or do you just need me to listen?" I know from my own experience sometimes unsolicited advice can make me feel like I'm doing every thing wrong or I'm not doing enough to fix the situation. When in reality, the situation may just be out of my control.

As far as attachment to outcome, if I am asked for advice and the person doesn't take it, I let it go. (or try really hard!! LOL) I have had to practice this a lot recently with friends.  I'm not going to continually be someone's emotional dumping ground for someone who won't help themselves. It's a balancing act for sure.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I haven't had a chance to view the talk yet, but I'm inclined to agree that compassion requires not being attached to outcome.

If you genuinely want to help someone or be there for them, you have to do it on their terms. Otherwise, you are just imposing a vision that could just make you both frustrated and resentful.

At some level, I think most of us are doing the best we can with the cards we've been dealt. And we can some in all judge-y and with clear ideas of how to fix things and of how they should be, should think, should act.

Or we can see the forces that shaped them, the struggles they've had, the challenges they are working with, and the simple fact that things just don't always work out the way you might want them to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting. I read the transcript...was a bit of out there but the main point was teaching compassion, living compassion and thriving compassionately.


Apologies if it seemed a bit left of center. I was drawn to it for reasons unrelated to marriage, yet compassion and empathy is essential in all aspects of our lives including marriage. Thanks for reading the transcript and rolling with it for this discussion. 



Anon Pink said:


> But to have a touch, a moment of oneness in this feeling is to share the burden for a moment.


I'll open up a little and share that I was in someone's presence as he became close to passing. He wasn't able to converse. I shared with him about the flowers in the garden, then sat and gently caressed his hand. In turn, he held my hand with his. Anon, although you haven't meant for this, I found beauty and comfort in your words. 



Anon Pink said:


> To feel and share the burden of the feeling which lightens the load for a moment.


In the talk she mentions having a strong back but a soft front. Being resilient with the strong back yet staying open to life, through having a soft front / unguarded heart. I wonder if there's a relationship between compassion and vulnerability?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

always_alone said:


> At some level, I think most of us are doing the best we can with the cards we've been dealt.


Ain't that the truth!


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> Ain't that the truth!


yep. Some days I just show up. Most days I have compassion. We've hurt each other terribly. Some days better than others. But moving forward!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I listened to this about a week ago.. I had some thoughts.. started to write them out.. then shut down my laptop.. they were gone.... I read a little about the speaker.... she has worked much with the dying.. this is not something I could do.. It bothers me a great deal to see undo suffering in the world.. how cruel is our Maker.. who designed all this.. to allow it to linger.. what are the ethics to deal with some of these things.. such difficult questions..... 

I dislike unfairness to a high degree...I can feel the loss & pain of others..a sick feeling comes over me...a hopelessness... and ANGER ... when I hear of a tragedy to an innocent person (death, disfigurement by a drunk driver, random shooting)...I am outraged!... the emotional soul crushing loss of a loved one, a young person gets a cancer diagnosis, a life never will be the same...and how to pick up the pieces...and go on.. 



> heartsbeating said: * I'll open up a little and share that I was in someone's presence as he became close to passing. He wasn't able to converse. I shared with him about the flowers in the garden, then sat and gently caressed his hand. In turn, he held my hand with his.* Anon, although you haven't meant for this, I found beauty and comfort in your words.


 I dread the day where I am that person lying in the bed or the one holding their hand.. I think some have a GIFT for these sorts or things..those who work in hospice.. a friend of mine works for a home for mentally/ physically handicapped.. she speaks how these people inspire her..her face lights up talking about them....and in the moment.. she is inspiring [email protected]#$.. but somehow.. my mind just doesn't work this way. I gravitate to the unfairness of what they are missing, or sadness of it all.. I can't seem to help it. 

Getting back to marriage.. my husband makes empathy & compassion very easy... he is a humble man quick to own his faults before me..if he speaks a harsh word to me. .. he will come to me later & apologize telling me I didn't deserve that.. any time this has happened he was just *frustrated *with the situation..







which is so clear to me.. I didn't even take it personal.. I am certainly guilty of enough of that [email protected]# (which he understands also)

.. I've learned so much from him how to Live & Be , and treat others really... I can also be very hard on myself when I screw up.. he's there to soothe me -showing me the bigger picture.....he laughs at me if I get too over emotional about something.. telling me to "get a grip!".....

I've always been one who asked how he felt.. I want his honest feedback.. engage me [email protected]#... Though I've done this more so in the last 6 yrs over our beginnings..... that's one way of my trying to care to please him... He appreciates this.. as he is just not one to toot his own horn... be forthcoming to his own needs. (unlike myself of course)







...this gives us an endless dialog of give & take...

I had a recent lesson in empathy in the past couple months.. I was divided ... when one of our kids is deeply hurt, even if what happened -to some degree they brought upon themselves.. we still struggle feeling their pain, it can be intense at times....seeing them try to find their footing again.. 

Son's GF broke up with him days after his Grad party... they both swore it would last forever...I think I had their love story half written myself.. yet I felt he was screwing up with her...

I had empathy for his GF too.. I wanted to hate her.. but I couldn't .. though I wish she had fought with him more so -making her feelings KNOWN /knock him upside the head if she had to...so he wasn't so blindsided.. I hated how she handled it.. but yet sympathized with his not being there for her -in what she needed too.. 

I put myself in her shoes and asked what I would have done.. I can't blame her for moving on with another .. I think it was for the best.. but darn I loved that girl [email protected]#

It literally felt like a death in the family to me...to deal with my own closure, so I could make room in my heart for his new GF (Rebound anyone!. we'll see!)...so I sent her a letter telling her BECAUSE of how fond I was of her.... is why I had to unfriend her on FB.. not wanting her to think I no longer liked her..it wasn't that.. I had a need to minimize *the sting* I felt when I see her with the new Guy /basically my son's loss & regret... she responded in kind.... after I sent this... the heaviness lifted from me...

My letter was compassionate to her...Anytime I am dealing with an emotional divide...(a love/ WHY/ hate thing)....I find my footing in writing it out.. sometimes I can be HOT when writing.. but this too makes me check myself... my motives... try to see the others side.. ..when I get through this somewhat grueling process (if I had any hand in the breakdown)...always it's to make peace with the other as best I can -with remaining TRUE to myself....this can be very therapeutic....it usually ends well ...

Or maybe I have gotten way off the subject here!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Empathy can be a very powerful weapon. It allows you to know what drives a person. What their demons are, their hopes and dreams - no matter how twisted. Then you use this insight to destroy them. Cold, I know. A psychopath is a person with empathy without compassion.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I dread the day where I am that person lying in the bed or the one holding their hand.. I think some have a GIFT for these sorts or things..


Without going into too much detail, I've been struggling a bit with the experience. It was particularly difficult because he was in pain. I needed a big cry one night to let it out and my husband comforted me. Since then I've sought and received perspectives from those around me that has helped; a common theme being gratitude for the life that was and letting go. That moment has gone. 

With your friend who feels inspired by the people she works with, she no doubt receives so much back that the connection and empowerment - the inspiration she discovers - becomes self-perpetuating. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Getting back to marriage.. my husband makes empathy & compassion very easy... he is a humble man quick to own his faults before me..if he speaks a harsh word to me. .. he will come to me later & apologize telling me I didn't deserve that.. any time this has happened he was just *frustrated *with the situation..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We all need that at times. I love that you mention the give and take. The moments where you haven't taken something personally because you empathize with how he is feeling and you trust that compassion and understanding that he demonstrates to you.

Interesting about writing things out and how that can help your own feeling on a situation. There's a release there for you. I have felt that release too through writing things out, listening to music, working in the garden. It can be self-soothing. It sounds like you were considerate to your son's ex-girlfriend, explaining to her why you were disconnecting from her social media and that she then responded in kind. We never know how such things, these gestures of consideration, can impact one another. Perhaps when she is older she may be in a similar circumstance as you and remember how she felt when you connected with her.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

You cannot truly be compassionate without first being fearless.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DoneWithHurting said:


> You cannot truly be compassionate without first being fearless.


Your statement had me thinking, curious to learn more around what this meant, with reading being a starting point I came across this:

_'When you come to a fork in the road, always follow the difficult path.' He tells them this because untrained minds always choose the easy path, not knowing that the easy path makes you uneasy. Untrained people choose the path that goes toward pleasure and away from pain. That is what they know. They have spent their lives pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain. But, a trained mind always chooses the difficult path. Training turns intention away from increasing pleasure and toward increasing in compassion, skill and wisdom. A trained person knows it is the difficult path that leads to loving kindness, joy, compassion and equanimity._

Source: http://www.maba-usa.or/Compassion_and_fearlessness.pdf


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I doubt you can LECTURE anyone about charity or empathy. You can engage with them in an exploration of it but good works are just that, works. Grab a ladle and serve your rotation at the soup kitchen. Pick up a newborn crack or HIV baby and hug and touch them.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I doubt you can LECTURE anyone about charity or empathy.


I think sometimes charity can provide a disservice despite the intention; but that delves into a completely different train of thought around institutions and dis-empowerment. However at the heart of what you are saying, I agree. Although I think there can be learning with how to approach something, framing our own mindset, to cultivate compassion. Granted like most things in life, that learning can not simply be based in theory.



Runs like Dog said:


> You can engage with them in an exploration of it but good works are just that, works.


Absolutely agree that it's in our actions.



Runs like Dog said:


> Grab a ladle and serve your rotation at the soup kitchen. Pick up a newborn crack or HIV baby and hug and touch them.


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