# Wife wants a divorce, I don't.



## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We're 24. I always thought getting married young was stupid, but I found my soulmate early. To skip to the point, these last 4 years have been incredibly rough. She was deployed, her mother passed away, and she got custody of her sister. I tried to get a better job, did some programs to get a leg up, but I either screwed up or wasn't what they were looking for, so she was the primary bread winner in the house. With that said, I was very supportive of her in other regards. But my depression started in, and she became distant. Eventually it got to the point that I was lashing out at her and didn't even realize it. I saw how unhappy she was, and asked if she wanted to divorce me. Expecting a "no, we'll get through this," I instead got "I don't know." I lost my mind, told her I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, blah blah. She suggested counseling and in my destroyed state of mind, I said no. I apologized the next day, and the day after that, it came back up. Again, I said she should divorce me. I was at my lowest point. That night, I had my epiphany that I was depressed (a lot of family issues, my job was unsatisfactory, I was lonely, etc.) and it's like a switch flipped. I started being happy, doing things I enjoyed again, working out... But it was too late. She doesn't want to be with someone who had no drive. She decided to divorce me for sure. I kept working on me, trying my best to be the man I am instead of what I was made, and the next weekend we hung out. It was beautiful. We kissed, danced, had a great time. She decided we should just separate. The next day she found out she couldn't move out. I also decided to join the Navy, so I can support myself and my family and finish my degree. She said she refuses to possibly give up her new found dreams to be with me and she went back to divorce. She keeps flipping between being cold and distant (she's also on Tinder) and looking for my affection, saying she loves me. I'm so confused as to how to proceed, but I want to save my marriage. I know we both did a lot wrong, but I'm working on my problems. I need help and a place to vent to people who understand.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Is she possibly stringing you along until she finds someone else (i.e. you mentioned Tinder and her being hot/cold)?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No kids? Divorce and move on. Go experience life, you'll regret it otherwise. A broken marriage at your age with no kids isn't worth the headache. Trust me. She's gone and won't come back. 


Join the Navy, go see the world, and you'll find someone even better.


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

I don't think she really knows what she wants. I won't get into details, but her early life wasn't easy. I very much did my best to help her come into her own. Honestly, our marriage has been stressed by factors outside of our control. Those things I mentioned previously... They would test anybody. Combined with my depression and hers from those situations, and the fact that I wasn't exactly great at financial support... Anyway, I'm trying the 180. No contact is hard, but I'm doing fairly well. I'm working out, making more money until I join, etc. As far as I go, this situation has definitely pulled me out of my funk and made me find my drive. 

As far as other men go, she's definitely going out on dates and such, but I think it's purely physical, basically just to enjoy the attention and respect she felt she wasn't getting from me. I was the only man she had ever been with. I think she's having a quarter-life crisis, if you will. I won't belittle my shortcomings. They're mine, I acknowledge them, and I'm doing my best to turn around. But I also know she had too much pressure on her too early. She 

She goes between being numb and wanting my love and attention. It's very confusing


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Seeyouinspain said:


> I don't think she really knows what she wants. I won't get into details, but her early life wasn't easy. I very much did my best to help her come into her own. Honestly, our marriage has been stressed by factors outside of our control. Those things I mentioned previously... They would test anybody. Combined with my depression and hers from those situations, and the fact that I wasn't exactly great at financial support... Anyway, I'm trying the 180. No contact is hard, but I'm doing fairly well. I'm working out, making more money until I join, etc. As far as I go, this situation has definitely pulled me out of my funk and made me find my drive.
> 
> As far as other men go, she's definitely going out on dates and such, but I think it's purely physical, basically just to enjoy the attention and respect she felt she wasn't getting from me. I was the only man she had ever been with. I think she's having a quarter-life crisis, if you will. I won't belittle my shortcomings. They're mine, I acknowledge them, and I'm doing my best to turn around. But I also know she had too much pressure on her too early. She
> 
> She goes between being numb and wanting my love and attention. It's very confusing


It's not confusing, she is giving you just enough to keep you hanging around. 

Your excusing her behavior and the longer you tolerate the situation the less likely it will ever turn around.


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

It's not so much excusing what she's doing. She's lashing out. She gave me a long time to get myself to where I need to be, and she's lashing out. She's losing her mind in a way, she's doing everything she wanted to do that she felt she couldn't do with me. It's not right, it's messed up. Marriage is a two way street though. Whether right or wrong, she felt I wasn't holding up my end. I can't invalidate her feelings. I have to do what I can to prove that I'm reliable, that I can support her. This isn't about me being a cuckold or wanting someone to make me see the light. I want to save my marriage. I have to accept that I can't control what she does here. I will fight until there is nothing left to fight for in this marriage. That's what I need, is help, guidance and support.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

There is a difference in fighting an outside presence for your marriage (like in laws or kids) with fighting to keep your spouse in a marriage. What are you fighting for? To be back where you were (maybe better maybe not) and now full of anxiety that this is going to happen again? What you thought you had is gone. She realizes it. You need to also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd recommend at least one good session of intensive marital counseling!

If for some reason that doesn't pan out, then given your ages and with no kids between you in your relationship history ~ Divorce would be the most viable option!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

I don't want what we had. I was depressed, holding myself back, and we were both fighting outside stressors. Newlyweds aren't supposed to have custody over a hateful teenager right after my wife got back from a deployment. We both lost ourselves and didn't know how to react. I want to grow and become a better man because my eyes are open to what I did, and while I can't speak for her, I know that underneath the numbness, she knows what she did wrong as well. She let's it slip now and then, telling me it's too easy to fall back in love with me, kissing me, dancing with me to Frank Sinatra, telling me she wishes that I had done what I'm doing now before it got to this point. She may not come back, I know this. But I see something there, underneath it all, and I'm willing to crawl through the mud and do what I need to do to have even a chance at her willing to try and work this out. Worst case, I become a better man by doing these things and confronting what I did wrong so I can learn for the future and improve my present. Best case, after some hard work on both ends, we can start to rebuild what we had before life hit us like a wrecking ball. Is that not a good mindset for a man who wants to improve and possibly save his marriage from the brink?


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

I would live to try counseling, but after my idiotic meltdown at the very beginning, she seems unwilling to try. I'm going to let things mellow a bit and then ask her to go, if not to save our relationship, then to possibly save our friendship and learn how to better understand future lovers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You still love your wife. You're looking for any possibility that you don't have to lose her and your future with her.
Therefore, you overlook the fact that YOUR WIFE is dating other men in front of you, while you try to "become a better man" and "win her back".
It doesn't work like that. Your marriage is over and it will never be the same. If you can overlook your wife dating other men and actually tolerate that bs, then she is right in her assessment of your worthiness as a husband.
It hurts. You'll get over it. Join the navy, meet a new woman as a new man, live happily ever after. Your "wife" is no longer yours. 
As bad as it feels, you have to accept that. Until you accept it, go forward with your life, abd leave her behind, she will never have any respect for you. There's a possibibility if you were to do well for yourself, one day years down the road, she might approach you and you'll be able to decide better if you really want her, or not. The way her head is screwed on now, you are repulsing her by tolerating her total disrespect. I'm pretty appalled myself that a man could accept their wife dating on tinder on a "purely physical" basis! And for a woman needing attention, it's rarely "just physical". 

You are going about this all wrong, but you know best. But your stubbornness to move on is what will be the final nail in your coffin.

Once a woman starts this crap, it just gets worse. What a ride you're in for!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Seeyouinspain said:


> I don't think she really knows what she wants. I won't get into details, but her early life wasn't easy. I very much did my best to help her come into her own. Honestly, our marriage has been stressed by factors outside of our control. Those things I mentioned previously... They would test anybody. Combined with my depression and hers from those situations, and the fact that I wasn't exactly great at financial support... Anyway, I'm trying the 180. No contact is hard, but I'm doing fairly well. I'm working out, making more money until I join, etc. As far as I go, this situation has definitely pulled me out of my funk and made me find my drive.
> 
> *As far as other men go, she's definitely going out on dates and such, but I think it's purely physical*, basically just to enjoy the attention and respect she felt she wasn't getting from me. I was the only man she had ever been with. I think she's having a quarter-life crisis, if you will. I won't belittle my shortcomings. They're mine, I acknowledge them, and I'm doing my best to turn around. But I also know she had too much pressure on her too early. She
> 
> She goes between being numb and wanting my love and attention. It's very confusing



Am I reading this correctly? Why on Gods green earth are you even considering saving this "marriage".


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

rockon said:


> Am I reading this correctly? Why on Gods green earth are you even considering saving this "marriage".


Yep.

OP, you lost me at "She's on Tinder"


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

I'm trying to save this marriage because I love her. You're right as to the she doesn't respect me aspect. She hasn't respected me for a while because she felt unsupported. And some background information:
When we first started dating, she was incredibly religious. Very sheltered, no self esteem. I went through my "****" phase early on, meanwhile I was the only man she had ever been with. I encouraged her to grow and become the confident, beautiful woman she is today. She at least admitted I helped her with that. 
Also, a while before this all happened (it happened out of the blue for us,) we had discussed an open marriage for both of us to explore our sexuality. My idea. So yes, I'm uncomfortable with the thought of her actually dating other men, but as far as sex goes, it's not a deal breaker for me.


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

I, on the other hand, screwed up a lot. I started out confident, happy, but depression is a heartless thing. I became a wimp, never telling her no because I felt guilty participating in the fact that I couldn't provide for my family in the way I wanted to. I stopped doing things I wanted to do, I became a white knight instead of being me. Hindsight being 20/20, I know I did a lot wrong. But I'm joining the Navy regardless of if she comes back or not. I need to do it for me. I just got a raise, and while I'm there, I'm starting repairs on the house we bought. I'm paying more for bills, trying to take on the responsibility I couldn't before. It may be too little too late, but I feel it's right to at least try. And as far as how she's acting now, she sees nothing wrong with it because in her mind she's not my wife. But when no one is around and she has time to think, she comes to me, wants my affection. I still make her feel safe. If we get back together, I'll confront her then about the way she acted, and she will me on how I did. She never cheated on me before all of this, in case you were wondering.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Seeyouinspain said:


> I, on the other hand, screwed up a lot. I started out confident, happy, but depression is a heartless thing. I became a wimp, never telling her no because I felt guilty participating in the fact that I couldn't provide for my family in the way I wanted to. I stopped doing things I wanted to do, I became a white knight instead of being me. Hindsight being 20/20, I know I did a lot wrong. But I'm joining the Navy regardless of if she comes back or not. I need to do it for me. I just got a raise, and while I'm there, I'm starting repairs on the house we bought. I'm paying more for bills, trying to take on the responsibility I couldn't before. It may be too little too late, but I feel it's right to at least try. And as far as how she's acting now, she sees nothing wrong with it because in her mind she's not my wife. But when no one is around and she has time to think, she comes to me, wants my affection. I still make her feel safe. If we get back together, I'll confront her then about the way she acted, and she will me on how I did. She never cheated on me before all of this, in case you were wondering.


"In her mind she's not my wife". 
Once a woman reaches that point is extremely rare they ever change their mind in general terms. 

"When no one is around she comes to me"
She doesn't want your affection, she wants affection period and your the most convenient source. If she does happen to come back what do you think is going to happen when your away on assignment? 

Women rarely cheat for sex, it's much more emotional for them. Right now she is getting attention and having fun, she has zero reason to stop as you have no consequences for her actions. 

Your doing what so many guys have done, your taking all the blame and your trying to nice her back which never works. Until she fears losing you and the marriage she will continue to slide away from you as she gains confidence in the new world she is exploring. Time isn't your ally in these situations.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Seeyouinspain said:


> I'm trying to save this marriage because I love her. You're right as to the she doesn't respect me aspect. She hasn't respected me for a while because she felt unsupported. And some background information:
> When we first started dating, she was incredibly religious. Very sheltered, no self esteem. I went through my "****" phase early on, meanwhile I was the only man she had ever been with. I encouraged her to grow and become the confident, beautiful woman she is today. She at least admitted I helped her with that.
> Also, a while before this all happened (it happened out of the blue for us,) we had discussed an open marriage for both of us to explore our sexuality. My idea. So yes, I'm uncomfortable with the thought of her actually dating other men, but as far as sex goes, it's not a deal breaker for me.


She was very religious, very sheltered, and no self esteem. Living a religious, " sheltered" life doesn't necessarily ruin one's self esteem. 
Being told by one's husband that he wants to "explore his sexuality" and that she can be passed around to whoever and it's no biggie to her husband--- yeah, I can see that making a woman feel really highly valued...

Exactly how did you help her grow and become more confident again?
It sounds like she may have just outgrown you.
But I'm biased, so just ignore me. I see it as a good thing to be religious, and wish I was more, personally. I also think exploring one's sexuality with other women when married is wrong, even when it's not hidden.

I think you did yourself in with this woman.
Sorry, it's just how I see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Seeyouinspain said:
> 
> 
> > I'm trying to save this marriage because I love her. You're right as to the she doesn't respect me aspect. She hasn't respected me for a while because she felt unsupported. And some background information:
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> Seeyouinspain said:
> 
> 
> > I'm trying to save this marriage because I love her. You're right as to the she doesn't respect me aspect. She hasn't respected me for a while because she felt unsupported. And some background information:
> ...


I never had a problem with her being religious. In fact, it was part of what I loved about her. However, how she grew up... It was a very repressive sort of religious. Everything was a sin, and her pastor actually told her she was a ***** for dating me when I wasn't a religious man. She broke up with me a few times over situations like that. As far as the exploring our sexuality, it wasn't just because I was a horn dog. She realized she was bisexual, something she had never explored before. There other factors in play, but it was very much a mutual decision. 

I had some realizations last night. She never dealt with her emotional pain of everything that happened ever since she came back. I tried to convince her to go to therapy, and she never really tried to. She's a very hurt woman, and my depression and shortcoming was the straw that broke the camel's back. She's going through a lot. My faults in the relationship are mine, I accept them and I'm trying to change them. But she's leaving me. I tried to help her, and I finally started trying to help myself. It hurts, but this is going to happen. I've got to do what makes me happy, and whether I want to or not, I have to watch the person I love most crash and burn. Her sister and father both reached out to me, telling me they're on my side and hope she comes to her senses before this goes any further. But its her decision, and until she comes to turns with her pain and guilt, the woman I loved isn't there right now. 

Love is stupid. I know I'm going to always hope she comes back. I know holding on to that isn't healthy. But, dammit, she's my soulmate. 

I'm going to join the Navy still, go see the world, get my degree, and make some money. I figure I'll be able to support myself, support my future family, or be able to support her and help pick her back up when the real world knocks her back down. I hope I'm wrong and that she has a fantastic life and actually gets to start over. But knowing her how I do... I doubt it'll work that way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I guess there's too much going on for someone who doesn't know you to even come close to understanding. I do know how terribly painful it is to deal with such problems. The worst emotion to me is helplessness. That's how it is when your wife leaves. There's nothing one can really do. They've usually made their mind up by the time they tell their husband. 
You are doing the right thing starting a new career and moving forward. That's all one can do.
Sorry for all the pain, and good luck moving forward and building a healthy life. Maybe you doing that will eventually attract her again. But it's all you can do either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeyouinspain (Aug 18, 2016)

The hopelessness is nearly all-consuming. But, this situation is what slapped me back into the real world. My depression is calling to me, but I see the world as it really is now. I held myself back in fear of losing her, of abandoning her, and it's led to a reversal. She is very troubled right now. I know her better than anyone else. She has so much pain and grief inside her that she never confronted. She instead focused on new hobbies, drowning herself in attention from others to hide her own suffering. I was always there beside her, trying to lend her a hand and pull her out of it. But she stopped trusting me because I couldn't take care of her other needs at the time. While I have my faults that contributed to this, she is stuck in a cycle of "nothing is good enough." She may never come back to me, and as awful as that thought is, she has just as much growing to do as myself. It's unfortunate that she's so independent to the point that she wouldn't look for professional help, but then again, I did the same thing for different reasons. We're young and foolish. I still truly believe we're right for each other. But, she needs to lose her mind. Someone can't get help unless they're willing to recieve it, and most won't be willing until there's nothing left. I may be wrong, she may flourish into something more than either of us ever imagined, and I would be happy for her. But with the demons she carries, I'm not sure if it'll end that way. She was the girl I met when I was a young fool, and life threw everything it could at us, and we both floundered in our own ways.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Seeyouinspain said:


> I know her better than anyone else.


Yeah..no. No you don't. 

Hence why you're here and whatever it is you're doing is not working and your wife is out banging other men and not you.


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