# I love you, not in love with you



## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Hi ladies. Sorry if I'm encroaching where I don't belong, but I would like a woman's point of view. My (32) STBXW (28) gave me the ILYBINILWY on Sept. 9th. We met in Jan '15, engaged Oct. '15, got apartment together Nov. '15 through Oct. '16 during which time we adopted a dog and constantly talked about our future (house, kids, future jobs, growing old). Married March '17, bought house May '17, fixed it up and move in June, adopted another dog, still talked about our future together. Sept. 3rd we talked to my parents about having kids and giving them another grandkid. Following weekend, September 9th. My world gets turned upside down. She says she doesn't love me anymore. That she'd been unhappy for a long time (no specific time it started, but I think doubts could have set in before we were even married). Moves out and hasn't wanted to talk to me about anything other than logistics. As I've been reading posts here and elsewhere on the interwebs, people say cases like these almost always involve an affair. My question for you ladies is...have you ever just fallen out of love with someone without there being another person?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

To turn around like that would suggest that she has someone on her mind that is not you


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

I know it's possible, even likely, that she had someone else in mind if not already talking to or seeing them. I'd still like to know if anyone here ever just fell out of love with their SO without someone else being involved. I'm not looking for false hope. Just wondering if anyone here has just fallen out of love.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Yes I have.

I got tired of his crap, and there was a lot I gave my all and got nothing in return. 

Has your wife given you specifics of things you could have done to make her feel this way? 

I talked until I was blue int he face before I had enough, we weren't married but lived together a number of years.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

99.999999999999% of the time means another person. Revisionist history where "I've not been happy for a long time" comes up. Happy enough to accept the ring. Happy enough to do all the loving things they did until they meet this other person. Suddenly it becomes "I've not been happy for a long time" and it seems to come out of left field. 

Let me ask you, did she ever discuss things with you she wasn't happy about? Did she ever give you a chance to work on your relationship? If this all came out of nowhere, I can guarentee its another man in the picture. 

Did she change jobs recently? What could have changed that someone else is now in the picture? If you want to go digging you will find your answer. 

To me I would just let it go. She isn't ' the wife and mother of your kids' material. It hurts, but just know you dodged a bullet.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It does happen that people fall out of love over time. If you don't nourish a relationship it will wither on the vine. 

In your situation, within such a short period of time and all the new exciting experiences involved in starting a life together, I don't see that as a high probability. That is if you're not some overbearing abusive oaf. 

The only probabilities left are she's too immature, has emotional problems and there is or has been another party in the wings. 

She needs to grow up. She is not who you thought she was. Give her what she wants, let her go. 

Best


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

She never talked to me at all about any of her doubts until Sept. 9th. She said there wasn't anyhting I could have done differently. That I did everything right. I'm not naive enough to believe that. I know it takes two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. After reflecting on our relationship for the last month or so, I can definitely think of times when I wasn't supportive of her. I wasn't always affectionate when I should have been. I don't think there's anything I did or said or didn't do or say that drove her away like that. In my heart of hearts, I think she's having a mid life crisis. She'd been through a lot of trauma before we met. She became very strong because of it, but I don't think she ever really dealt with and processed all of it. Add that to the stress of getting getting married and buying a house. She's had a health issue going on for a little over a year now. She hasn't been able to feel her face. She's been to so many doctors who couldn't figure it out. She's going Mayo Clinic tomorrow to try and figure it out. I think the world might have become too much for her. This is all speculation on my part because I haven't been able to talk to her at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly that speech almost always means that there is someone else. The fact that she married you so recently, shows that something has happened since. Alost certainly another man, sorry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

turtle1214 said:


> She never talked to me at all about any of her doubts until Sept. 9th. She said there wasn't anyhting I could have done differently. That I did everything right. I'm not naive enough to believe that. I know it takes two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. After reflecting on our relationship for the last month or so, I can definitely think of times when I wasn't supportive of her. I wasn't always affectionate when I should have been. I don't think there's anything I did or said or didn't do or say that drove her away like that. In my heart of hearts, I think she's having a mid life crisis. She'd been through a lot of trauma before we met. She became very strong because of it, but I don't think she ever really dealt with and processed all of it. Add that to the stress of getting getting married and buying a house. She's had a health issue going on for a little over a year now. She hasn't been able to feel her face. She's been to so many doctors who couldn't figure it out. She's going Mayo Clinic tomorrow to try and figure it out. I think the world might have become too much for her. This is all speculation on my part because I haven't been able to talk to her at all.


This is going against the opinions you have allready got but would your wife be afraid that there is something seriously wrong with her and she wants to face it without you having to suffer as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turtle1214 said:


> She never talked to me at all about any of her doubts until Sept. 9th. She said there wasn't anyhting I could have done differently. That I did everything right. I'm not naive enough to believe that. I know it takes two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. After reflecting on our relationship for the last month or so, I can definitely think of times when I wasn't supportive of her. I wasn't always affectionate when I should have been. I don't think there's anything I did or said or didn't do or say that drove her away like that. In my heart of hearts, I think she's having a mid life crisis. She'd been through a lot of trauma before we met. She became very strong because of it, but I don't think she ever really dealt with and processed all of it. Add that to the stress of getting getting married and buying a house. She's had a health issue going on for a little over a year now. She hasn't been able to feel her face. She's been to so many doctors who couldn't figure it out. She's going Mayo Clinic tomorrow to try and figure it out. I think the world might have become too much for her. This is all speculation on my part because I haven't been able to talk to her at all.


Mid life crisis? She is still in her 20's. :surprise:

I have heard many men put their wife's bad behaviour down to a mid life crisis anywhere from their 30's to their 60's but yours is the youngest yet.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Oh, one more thing. When it doesn't work out with this new guy, she will come crawling back talking about "I made a mistake" and "I've always loved you I was just confused" or whatever. Don't take the bait man. She has already shown her true colors. She will leave you at the drop of a hat for another man. You don't have kids with her. You have little invested. Break away clean now. If you haven't already, I would see a lawyer first thing tomorrow and file for divorce asap.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

This is going against the opinions you have allready got but would your wife be afraid that there is something seriously wrong with her and she wants to face it without you having to suffer as well.

That's crossed my mind. She has chronic anxiety and always dwells on worst case scenarios. She told me on the 9th that if Mayo Clinic gave her 5 months to live and she wanted to go to Greece or something, she didn't see me there. I just don't know without being able to talk to her.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> turtle1214 said:
> 
> 
> > She never talked to me at all about any of her doubts until Sept. 9th. She said there wasn't anyhting I could have done differently. That I did everything right. I'm not naive enough to believe that. I know it takes two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. After reflecting on our relationship for the last month or so, I can definitely think of times when I wasn't supportive of her. I wasn't always affectionate when I should have been. I don't think there's anything I did or said or didn't do or say that drove her away like that. In my heart of hearts, I think she's having a mid life crisis. She'd been through a lot of trauma before we met. She became very strong because of it, but I don't think she ever really dealt with and processed all of it. Add that to the stress of getting getting married and buying a house. She's had a health issue going on for a little over a year now. She hasn't been able to feel her face. She's been to so many doctors who couldn't figure it out. She's going Mayo Clinic tomorrow to try and figure it out. I think the world might have become too much for her. This is all speculation on my part because I haven't been able to talk to her at all.
> ...


It's possible for people to experience what's called a midlife crisis at any point in life. I was not exaggerating when I said she'd been through trauma. The kind a person should get professional help for, which she never did. Some of it she never even told her parents about. Just because it's called MIDlife crisis doesn't mean it only happens to people in their 40s and 50s.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turtle1214 said:


> It's possible for people to experience what's called a midlife crisis at any point in life. I was not exaggerating when I said she'd been through trauma. The kind a person should get professional help for, which she never did. Some of it she never even told her parents about. Just because it's called MIDlife crisis doesn't mean it only happens to people in their 40s and 50s.


Its not a midlife crisis unless you are near midlife. She isn't anywhere near midlife. Many of us have had life traumas, but we don't leave our spouses. I still think its a man. I have heard that speech said so many times and its always been another person.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In other words... 

"Please...someone...anyone...tell me that there is not someone else so I can ignore my likely reality for something that will hurt less..."


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You don't have kids, not much time invested yea you have a house and some pets but in the big scheem of things your not intangled very much.

Chalk it up to shes an unstable person consider your self luck to be rid of her. Go dark on her and move on.If she calls don't answer, call her back on your schedule and be all business like. 

Give yourself a month or two to greive as your get your act together. Start exercising,eat well and plan some goals for your future. 

You will be ok! And once you $hit is together your find someone. Learn from this when you find someone beca leader don't sacrifice your goals to make her happy because it never makes them happy! Being a leader and having passion about your goals makes them happy.

Good luck in your adventure of the rest of your life without this unstable person!


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> In other words...
> 
> "Please...someone...anyone...tell me that there is not someone else so I can ignore my likely reality for something that will hurt less..."


Exactly, Farside. OP, is there anything we can HELP you with?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

turtle1214 said:


> My question for you ladies is...have you ever just fallen out of love with someone without there being another person?


Yes, it happened to me. I was made aware of some stuff my boyfriend at the time was into. There was nothing wrong or bad about what I learned but it was a complete turn off to me. I ended the almost 2 year relationship soon after. 

OP, your situation sounds......complicated. Instead of trying to figure out your STBX, why don't you focus on moving forward without her? Worry about you.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> In other words...
> 
> "Please...someone...anyone...tell me that there is not someone else so I can ignore my likely reality for something that will hurt less..."


"Turtle" is an apt screen name. 

OP, pull your head out and take an honest look around.

Sometimes the obvious answer is the correct one.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Last thing, lets say she is in the .00000001% of people who give the LYBNILWY speech who didn't leave for another person. That highlights she has no ability to express her feelings to you and work things out with you. She never voiced any wrong doings on your part and instead just up and walked away. What happens when you have kids with her? When the going gets tough, she just up and leaves you and the kids too? Without any warning, just walks away from her family? She is not mature enough to be a mother or a wife. I don't care what excuses you wish to make for her. Everyone goes through very hard things in life. Not everyone runs from their problems and has no ability to voice their dissatisfaction within a relationship in hopes of working on repairing and strengthening it. 

This out of the blue walk away to me means another man. But even if it doesn't, the red flag is still waving for you to not continue a relationship with this person. She doesn't seem capable of honesty either way you slice it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Women do leave their husbands for reasons other than another man. But those reasons are abuse, addiction, husband's infidelity, chronic unemployment etc and as some other posters have stated, they have usually complained about it and talked about it for years until they were blue in the face and then left when there simply was not any hope left in them. 

Assuming you have not been abusive, drunk/druggie or cheated yourself, for a 28 year old woman to simply up and give you the ILYBNILWY is a solid 99.9999% chance that there is someone else in the picture. 


And as TheDude said above, if she is that.00001% and she simply fell out of love with you on a Tuesday afternoon without a peep, then she has such poor relationship skills that she would have eventually flew the coop some day anyway. Better to do it now while you are still young and don't have any minor children to contend with.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I fell out of love with my ex and there was NO other man. But we were together for years and it was his ignoring of our issues with the sex life that caused it. So yes people can fall out of love without a third party involved regardless of what the TAM corus say.

You have admitted to some poor behaviour on your part, are you telling the whole story?

No one really knows what is going on with her, you have to talk properly with her.

Either you are not such a great man and won't acknowledge it. Or she has someone else in mind or either/both of you have mental health issues that are not being dealt with properly.

FWIW I know quite a few people that fell out of love with their partner with no 3rd party involved. I also have 3 close friends going through this right now where their husbands are cheating. It's a wacky world out there, only person that can answer your questions correctly is your wife.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> You have admitted to some poor behaviour on your part, are you telling the whole story?
> 
> No one really knows what is going on with her, you have to talk properly with her.
> 
> Either you are not such a great man and won't acknowledge it. Or she has someone else in mind or either/both of you have mental health issues that are not being dealt with properly.


I wouldn't say it was poor behavior. I've never been abusive, physically or emotionally. At least not intentionally. I've said and done things that hurt her feelings, sure, but I never would have thought it was that serious. I have no addictions and I've never cheated on her. I've had fantasies like "I wonder what life would be like with this person" but those were always shortly followed by "my wife is the only love I'll ever want or need". I'm not perfect. Neither was she. No one is. People in successful marriages understand this and love each other regardless, or sometimes because of, their imperfections.

I am doing everything I can to move on to a life without her. I'm exercising, eating right, going to Church, trying to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. Today was just particularly hard because I cleared out the house we bought to get it ready for closing tomorrow. It was like tearing down everything we worked so hard for. I hadn't lost it like that in a couple weeks. Being done with the house will help. I know ill be back to just having a knot in my stomach by the end of the week.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> I fell out of love with my ex and there was NO other man. But we were together for years and it was his ignoring of our issues with the sex life that caused it. So yes people can fall out of love without a third party involved regardless of what the TAM corus say.


The difference being you voiced those issues and your ex simply didn't want to change or make an attempt to. When someone doesn't voice any issues at all and then up and leaves, that is a huge red flag. Of course people can fall out of love without any interest in someone else. But it doesn't happen overnight. It happens after an extended period of time where needs unmet were highlighted and brought to their spouses attention and there was no change or even an attempt to meet their spouses needs. 

Reread their timeline, and go back where he said she never voiced being upset with him. No drug or alcohol abuse, no physical or emotional abuse. They were discussing with their parents about having kids one weekend, the next she's not in love anymore. 

To me this has other man written all over it. And even if it doesn't, it has immature girl who isn't wife and mother material at this point in her life. If its another man, she won't ever be wife or mother material in my book.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> The difference being you voiced those issues and your ex simply didn't want to change or make an attempt to. When someone doesn't voice any issues at all and then up and leaves, that is a huge red flag. Of course people can fall out of love without any interest in someone else. But it doesn't happen overnight. It happens after an extended period of time where needs unmet were highlighted and brought to their spouses attention and there was no change or even an attempt to meet their spouses needs.
> 
> Reread their timeline, and go back where he said she never voiced being upset with him. No drug or alcohol abuse, no physical or emotional abuse. They were discussing with their parents about having kids one weekend, the next she's not in love anymore.
> 
> To me this has other man written all over it. And even if it doesn't, it has immature girl who isn't wife and mother material at this point in her life. If its another man, she won't ever be wife or mother material in my book.


I was commenting on the standard TAM comments that ILYBNILWY is 99.999999% of the time about a 3rd party. In the OPs case it may well be as I said.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

turtle1214 said:


> Hi ladies. Sorry if I'm encroaching where I don't belong, but I would like a woman's point of view. My (32) STBXW (28) gave me the ILYBINILWY on Sept. 9th. We met in Jan '15, engaged Oct. '15, got apartment together Nov. '15 through Oct. '16 during which time we adopted a dog and constantly talked about our future (house, kids, future jobs, growing old). Married March '17, bought house May '17, fixed it up and move in June, adopted another dog, still talked about our future together. Sept. 3rd we talked to my parents about having kids and giving them another grandkid. Following weekend, September 9th. My world gets turned upside down. She says she doesn't love me anymore. That she'd been unhappy for a long time (no specific time it started, but I think doubts could have set in before we were even married). Moves out and hasn't wanted to talk to me about anything other than logistics. As I've been reading posts here and elsewhere on the interwebs, people say cases like these almost always involve an affair. My question for you ladies is...have you ever just fallen out of love with someone without there being another person?


Yes, have been times in my marriage that I did not feel in love with my spouse and there was no other man. Hormones, stress, depression, and plain boredom are just a few reasons we fall out of love.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She cannot feel her face.
She cannot feel your face.
She cannot feel her heart beat for you.

She could care less about yours'

As I see it:

This was an arranged marriage. She gave it a go, hoping she would develop feelings for you.
That did not happen. She did not want to waste any more time in the marriage.

Who arranged it? You tell me. Her, you, family and friends would be a start.

Sounds like she is not a deep thinker and can be influenced by others, to her detriment...and yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turtle1214 said:


> She never talked to me at all about any of her doubts until Sept. 9th. She said there wasn't anyhting I could have done differently. That I did everything right. I'm not naive enough to believe that. I know it takes two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. After reflecting on our relationship for the last month or so, I can definitely think of times when I wasn't supportive of her. I wasn't always affectionate when I should have been. I don't think there's anything I did or said or didn't do or say that drove her away like that. In my heart of hearts, I think she's having a mid life crisis. She'd been through a lot of trauma before we met. She became very strong because of it, but I don't think she ever really dealt with and processed all of it. Add that to the stress of getting getting married and buying a house. She's had a health issue going on for a little over a year now. She hasn't been able to feel her face. She's been to so many doctors who couldn't figure it out. She's going Mayo Clinic tomorrow to try and figure it out. I think the world might have become too much for her. This is all speculation on my part because I haven't been able to talk to her at all.


I'm not a Doctor, I do not even play one on the Internet, but have they checked for Bell's Palsy? Bell?s palsy with ipsilateral numbness | Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rick Blaine said:


> Exactly, Farside. OP, is there anything we can HELP you with?


Yes. We can listen to him, be there for him. That sort of thing.


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## turtle1214 (Oct 11, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I'm not a Doctor, I do not even play one on the Internet, but have they checked for Bell's Palsy? Bell?s palsy with ipsilateral numbness | Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry


She was tested for Bell's Palsy, MS, and a slew of other things that I couldn't pronounce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

turtle1214 said:


> It's possible for people to experience what's called a midlife crisis at any point in life. I was not exaggerating when I said she'd been through trauma. The kind a person should get professional help for, which she never did. Some of it she never even told her parents about. Just because it's called MIDlife crisis doesn't mean it only happens to people in their 40s and 50s.


*Who are you trying to fool? 

It's definitely not a midlife crisis on her part, but much rather a "mid-man crisis!" 

You're being had ~ Get to a lawyer ASAP!*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree totally with @farsidejunky . It seems like you're hoping to grasp at any other reason to avoid the painful but obvious reason. She's found a new guy. The ILYBNILWY is always another man. It's probably some co-worker and it's been brewing for a few months or it's possibly an old boyfriend. Either way, she's done and so should you be.

Just count your lucky stars that you've only been together for a couple of years and have no kids. With your marriage being so short, you may be able to get an annulment. 

While the D goes through the system, do a hard 180 so you can detach. Don't date, you're not or emotionally ready. Use this time for some serious self improvement. Hit the gym like an animal, get some new gear and make sure your hair, beard and hygiene are on point. When the D is official, you will be a new man with lots of options.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

At a minimum, another guy is in her head and she's off in la-la land fantasizing about how awesome her life would be if she was with him instead. As others have said, move on and don't look back. Don't try to win her back, since this is very likely to happen again. Any time you spend with her will end up being wasted in the end.


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## SilverSable79 (Oct 23, 2017)

I'm not going to say she has someone else in the background, but you haven't really been together that long for her to feel that way for "a long time". So, really... was it before or after she got that ring that she claims she started not loving you?


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