# Am I in the wrong? Am I asking to much out of my Wife



## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

2 years ago my wife and I split up for about 6 weeks..I must admit I lost track of the important things in life. When we got back together things were great we really realized what we actually had together. We decided to make a change in our lives and moved 1300 miles away to Texas.(her father lived down here) I left all my family back home. Her dad treats me like a son .. During the holdiday it was really tough My job had me working all kinds of hours and i only get really one day off a week to spend with my wife. Here's the problem I get one day off a week and would like to spend it with my wife/family. we started fighting because she always wanted to go and do something with other people instead of me on my day off and now feels like i'm trapping her because i want to spend my one day off with her..I'm just confused i feel like if she worked all the time that i would want to spend time with her when she was off and i don't get that from her.


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## whatdoido (Jan 4, 2010)

I definitely don't think you are asking too much. AT ALL. My husband is rarely around during the week and I dedicate basically the entire weekend to him and to our child. In fact, I have asked him to try to find a new job so we can see each other more. We only see each other 45 minutes a day ..because of opposite work schedules. I can tell you that lack of time ..and communication..is causing a break down in our marriage. 

I would suggest you sit down and REALLY talk with your wife about how you feel. Make sure she understands that this isn't about keeping her from her friends and family..this is about keeping your marriage in tact.

That's my 2 cents. Good luck.


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

I will admit a couple years ago when we split up some how i became so obsessed with being with her that I gave up everything for her and my kids. we would alway argue because she was going out from time to time. I was wrong and the seperation helped me realize that. Now all this comes around now and she automatically goes back to the past. I tried to explain to her that It not the same. I just miss all my family back home and working so much through the holidays that i really missed her. We have been trying to talk and she says she feels like she is in a maze and don't know which way to go. stay or leave. i get maybe and hour a night to see her and my kids and like i said one day off a week that we are home together. i'm just so confused that if she loves me you would think she would want to spend time with me when we are home together. It's like a catch 22 I told her this morning i don't want you to feel like you have to stay home when i'm off I want you to stay home with me cause you want to. "she said i feel like if i don't stay home your gonna get pissed off with me".....


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

the last think i want her to feel like is that she is trapped.You have to have some independance in a relationship.


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## whatdoido (Jan 4, 2010)

Hmmmmm...I am not sure what to tell you. I can just give you my perspective. I really don't like spending much time with my DH anymore, because I don't think HE wants to spend it with us. The only reason I DO stay home ...is because I don't want to leave our child. 

I guess what I'm saying is it might be best if you talk with her...but also consider making plans if she is going out. That way, she doesn't see you as "weak". If you show her that YOU want to be with HER -- but you can also make it on your own...you will probably grab her attention. 

At least ..that would probably work for me... If you seem too needy..it might push her away.


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

She had made that comment to me. I guess it's hard for me cause the little time i get to spend with my family i want to spend it with them. Not go off and hang out with other people. before i started working so much i would go out and hang with my buddies and i still had my days where i could spend with my family. now that i dont get that chance i want to spend it with my family cause i don't see them that much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of time of does SHE get? Aside from when you're home to take care of the kids on weekends?


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## Brettscout (Jan 19, 2010)

Well, dont really know your situation. I know that when I get/feel smothered smothered..I dont want to be around that person. When I get my space...im more inclined to participate. 

What I would do...start making plans to do stuff with the kids (camping, museums, zoos, hikes, swimming, Amusement parks) on your one day off. Dont place any expectations on her to join you...invite her..but dont force/guilt her. If she still doesnt want to be part of "family outings/family quality time," after a few months of this...then you may have bigger problems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great idea.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are never there, she has no time alone--she's "mom" all the time. She needs some down town (unless you've left something out). 

Make a date for that one day a week--something that will give you time with her but not the whole day. Then make a plan for time with the kids, too, and as has been said, invite her but leave it up to her. I know if I went anywhere with my ex and the kids, I was the one who ended up doing everything for the kids--not that I'd mind, if that's what I chose, but to have some time with no responsibility for the kids is really nice, too, and she may need that.

You sound pretty needy and she probably does not see a big difference btw then and now, frankly. If you are always at work, and then 100% with your family when not, you are not indicating any value on time for yourself--why not? Sometimes we sacrifice time alone for our families, but many of us NEED it to recharge, etc. As I see it, you are asking for ALL of what you want without recognizing she has 2 desires/needs: alone time and date time. Compromise seems like the obvious solution.

Ideally, you each get "alone time" and "family time" and "me time." Making that work doesn't happen over night. Talk to her about your job, too; seems to take too much time away from the family. Could you work less (maybe she could work part-time, too, while you are home with the kids, to make up the difference in $$$, or move to a less expensive living arrangement. Put all the cards on the table.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For most of my D19's life, the one thing I kept asking for, for a birthday present, was for my H to take D and go away for the weekend, so I could just have my house to myself, just once. You have no idea how hard it is for a woman who never gets to turn off the mom light.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She could be angry at you and holding a grudge about the past anf she also could be mad about you never being home because you are working so she is going to show you! As soon as you are available she will make herself unavailable. Or, she could be not even caring that you are there and just wants to be away from you. Or, she has a friend she likes more than you. It could be an affair, or just an intense girlfriend thing.

Whatever it is , it is not going away. You two need a candid discussion and maybe a change in lifestyle. Do you have to work those long hours? WHat is she doing with her time besides watching kids during the week?


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## goodwf21 (Feb 7, 2010)

MrCatch22:

First of all, I think that keeping the past in the past is really the best thing for any marriage, we all make mistakes, but we learn, we grow and we move on.

I think you shoud romance her a little bit, come home with flowers one night and actually ask her out on a date! Actually I wish my husband would do that every once in a while. Most women tend to feel less significant in thier partners life as the years go by, this can be due to a lack of effort on both parts, however; women look to the men to take the lead when it comes to romance. Most women see men as the leader, (trust me I'm all for female independance, but in a marriage women already feel like WE do so much of the work!) so I say you take charge in rebuilding that spark between you two.

After and one your date, continue to tell her how much she mean to you, how much you appreciate her, how much you appreciate her love for you and your children. She will start to see that you REALLY do WANT to spend time with her, because you enjoy her company and not out of guilt.

After you and your wife have had some time to reconnect, go plan something as a family; a trip to the zoo, or go play mini golf... whatever you think you will all enjoy. I think that if you keep that up your family bond will grow much stronger, not just between you and your wife, but with your kids as well.

I wish you luck! =)


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## SpliceStyle (Feb 8, 2010)

She is being a little selfish and unappreciative. I agree with what some said. When you have a person that isn't paying attention to you, find something to do and that will get her attention real quick. In fact, instead of hanging with her this weekend, try hanging with the guys at work or other male friends. Tell her in advance that you have plans. See what happens. If she complains, ask her what is the difference in what she does. Tell her, since she goes out regularly, then it should be okay for you to go out. But but but, nobody like to be smothered. Maybe you two could talk and see if maybe she can go out on other days that don't affect that one day. Hope this helps.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Tell her that you know she needs to have things which are hers alone, and that you need time together, and that right now it's not working very well. And that you know it's hard to deal with the frustration of what seems like an intractable situation.

But then tell her that you love her, and you put her first, and you want her to be happy. But it might take a little while to figure out exactly how to fit all the pieces together so that you each get what you need.

What people want most when they are unhappy is to be _heard_; to know that somebody cares about why they're unhappy. Knowing that somebody cares means that somebody thinks they're important. If you reassure your wife that you care, that you're committed to finding a solution, and that you admit you don't have all the answers, you can get a lot of patience and goodwill for that. It's not that the two of you are on opposite sides fighting this out; you're on the same side, trying to find answers.


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

Let me try and fill in some of the blanks... I work sales for firstone when i say long hours sometimes it's 48-60 hours. Days i do go in are usually 10am to 730 pm...I get up in the morning and spend time with the family before they head out for the day. My wife works with her step mom and step brother. These are the people she is always spending her time with. her step brother has a drug problem and she is always with him saying she is trying to be there for him to help him stay off the drugs. My father moved down about a month ago. since he has been here he watches my kids after my wife gets off work so she can go out and have some ALONE TIME. So it's not me being needed or smothering maybe i am but i don't see it. I guess with the time we spend apart i would think she would want to spend time with me. I try to help her out as much as possible. clean the house,do the laundry stuff so that she don't have to do it all..My day off that i want to spend time with her ends up being a couple hours because she is taking her brother to court or going to see her other brother in rehab or something with her mother in law. I sit back and say nothing but as soon as i say something about spending some time with me it's "I NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF, YOUR SMOTHERING ME OR MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS AROUND YOU NOT TO PISS YOU OFF....I honestly think that my wifes biggest problem is she gets so obssess with not making other people mad or so obsessed with helping them with there problems she neglects the ones at home that love and miss her dearly....I know couple need to have there own time. I go out and hang with my guy friends but when i'm not around my family I want to go out and do thing with my family....I'm lost i feel i can't win no matter what I do...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, she does have a helper complex. I'd read up on the need to be people's savior, so you can see what you're dealing with. She is too entrenched into her stepfamily. Maybe some trips to Alanon would help, to help her learn to detach. 

However, WHY does she say something like 'walk on egg shells around you to not piss you off'? That doesn't come from nowhere. Do you yell at her?


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

i don't yell at her i just tell her why do you have to do this or do that. your with them can you stay home or i go childish i guess and not talk to her and just give the peck kisses.

this has been a problem in our past as far as her clinging to some one. before we moved she had a couple girlfriends that she always devoted her time to. but never more than one. it's like there is not enough of her to have multiple friends. she gets one and is alway there for them and alway doing something with them. and the same thing happens with us because she gets so engrossed in them that she forgets about us. and when she can't do something she gets mad and says she feels like she always has to ask permission to do anthing so not to make me mad.


when we got back together she actually made me a list of all the things i needed to change and had me sign it. of course i signed it because i love her and my girls so much that i would be miserable as long as they were happy. after i had time to think about things it's like our whole relationship it has always been you need to change this and that. It's like there is nothing wrong with her and that she don't need to change.

We are to oppisite people. she is more of the out going people type of person and i'm more of the quiet home body. I don't want her to change that and i should have to change who i am. but we have to meet in the middle sometimes. Its always i need to go all the way and meet her cause she is not moving.

like tonight i was getting off work she text me and said she was dropping my kids off at the house with my dad and that she would be home later that she was going to go over and watch a movie with her step brother. so i got home before she did and she just pulled up dropped the kids off and left never saying a word to me or even walking in the house. i didn't even no she dropped the kids off till they came out back. i texted her and she was i was in a hurry to get back....sorry.. that was it..


i try not to read to much into it but her biggest complaint is she need her space and time for herself.she gets plenty of alone time. my dad told me tonight i don't mind watching my grand kids but i feel she is starting to take advantage of me. she will pop in say i'm gonna do this will you watch the kids i'll be back in a bit and 3 or 4 hrs later she comes back..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ROFLMAO, you're kidding! You signed a list of improvements? Give me a break!

How about...BOTH of you go to therapy and learn how to grow up and figure out what it means to be responsible parents and adults. You both need some work.

btw, I don't believe you when you say you don't yell at her. I think you are skimming the surface of YOUR bad behavior, to look better. That doesn't make her situation any better, but it doesn't make yours any better, either. 

JMO


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wait a minute. She spends an AWFUL lot of time with her step brother. Have you ever snooped to see if this isn't at least an emotional affair?


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

Go ahead and laugh about the letter I signed. We are both good parents. Are kids always come first we don't ever let them know what is going on as far as they know mommy and daddy are doing great.

I was sitting home the other night and she was going to her step brothers to watch a movie. i had just gotten off work and she text me and told me she was going to bring my youngest home and start her movie. then i'm out back and i hear the door shut and the van pull away. she just dropped my youngest off and left.

while she was gone i sat down and reallly thought about my life and what i wanted. our whole relationship she has always blamed me said i had issues to work out and i've had alot of time to sit down and think about things as of late. I am convinced that the problems in are relationship are cause of her.

like i stated earlier since we have been together she always has had the one person that she has clung to. typically it's someone she see's all the time coworker/ family member. the she put all of her self into that person. then when that person is out of the picture things are great between us until the next one.

when we moved to texas both of her step brothers had a drug problem. one is in rehab and one is trying to get off the drugs. they have became her new project. she will spend as much time as possible with them. She feels like she can fix them. we could be spending the day together or whatever else and as soon as the call she jets and i'm left cleaning up the pieces of her tearing off to SAVE THE DAY. I know they take advantage of her because she never says no.

well when she got home the other night i wanted to talk to her and i told her how i felt. i told her i am the same guy that she asked to come back 2 years ago. as much as it hurts me to say i'm just about ready to call it quits this time. i deserve to be happy i feel like i'm a good husband and father, i take care of my family,spend as much time with them as i possible can and it is never good enough for her and i'm getting tired of trying. if it wasn't for my kids i probably would have already left but i want to try and make things work to atleast say i've done every thing i can.

when we talked the other night she told me that it's not me that it's her. she don't know whether to try or not try to work things out. i told her this isn't something that just happend over night. we been going through this for about a month now. day after day of putting on a show in front of the kids, talk alittle here and there. a kiss here and there. but everything is forced. 

you can say i'm weak and i need to become stronger because i've heard that in the past. i am who i am and i'm willing to make changes but i'm not going to be the only one that has to change.,


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

Brettscout said:


> Well, dont really know your situation. I know that when I get/feel smothered smothered..I dont want to be around that person. When I get my space...im more inclined to participate.
> 
> What I would do...start making plans to do stuff with the kids (camping, museums, zoos, hikes, swimming, Amusement parks) on your one day off. Dont place any expectations on her to join you...invite her..but dont force/guilt her. If she still doesnt want to be part of "family outings/family quality time," after a few months of this...then you may have bigger problems.


I agree. The more you try and force her to be with you, the more she'll try to escape. Give some breathing room and change your attitude from one of desperation to one of quiet confidence. It can work wonders. 

It has in my marriage!


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

could she be having an affair? are you CERTAIN her step family is who she's spending her time with?? Maybe it's just me but, that all sounds suspicious. Why couldn't she take the girls to see family when she goes sometime? or even you too for that matter..? just curious


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mujer_rota said:


> could she be having an affair? are you CERTAIN her step family is who she's spending her time with?? Maybe it's just me but, that all sounds suspicious. Why couldn't she take the girls to see family when she goes sometime? or even you too for that matter..? just curious


Yeah, same here. IMO, either there is a guy somewhere...maybe a friend of her stepbrother's...or else she's getting too close to her stepbrother. It happens more than we want to think.

Which is why I asked you about the phone records on your other thread.

Of all the people (I should say, men) who have found out their spouse is having an affair, 95% of them fought and fought and fought with those of us who suggested looking at the phone records and internet use. Not MY wife! I KNOW her. Anyone but HER. She doesn't have the TIME. I'm always around her. She tells me no and I believe her, because I would be able to TELL.

In your case, I'm betting it's one of the two possibilities above, or one other thing: she knows she has a somewhat sick attraction to - or simply too strong a need to help - her stepbrother and when you bring it up, it makes her filled with shame, so she would rather leave you than have to face it.


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

I know it's family. the girls are always over there with her. she has always had a problem with getting her self to involved in other peopls lives. we have had this issue before. she is the type of person that thinks she can fix everything and won't quit until she does.. i have looked at her text messages a couple times and the only things that are there are her step mom and her step brother.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, maybe this needs to be an intervention type of deal. As in, you step in and say you want her to be close to her family, but she has an obligation to give her NEW family at least 75% of her time. Do you go to church? Ask your pastor to have a talk with her about what a wife's obligations are and where her loyalties should lie. Are you willing to be fourth wheel for the rest of your life? It may be necessary to let her know, if you aren't.


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