# Wife does not see this as bad



## NorthstarGene (Mar 17, 2017)

Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.

While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.

I had broken up with her and she was free to do what she wanted. She readily admits it was not the best decision in her life and I am ok with moving on. The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her.

What we disagree on and what really bugs me is…. She did not tell me when we got back together and we interacted with him for at least a decade. I drank beer and yucked it up with him 50 to 100 times over that decade at parties, gatherings, mutual friend’s weddings etc. He even attended our wedding. I am sure he told at least a few mutual friends. I may be wrong but I assume most of our circle of friends outside of me knew of the dalliance. 

My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.

What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?

Thanks in advance.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nah, I'm with you man. I do not want to interact with OM that have physical contact with my W. Just does not sit right. Other schumk knowing what you don't concerning your W. I don't think you are overreacting. Those kinds of "friends" should go away IMO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will definitely get different opinions on this.

Mine is that she did nothing wrong in the ONS and she has the right to her privacy about it.

It's typical to think that every but you knew about it. The truth is probably a lot less dramatic. My bet is that few, if anyone else knew.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

NorthstarGene said:


> Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.
> 
> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.
> 
> ...


They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it. 

Your wife did a ****ty thing by hiding it from you, but once you've gotten through to her and she understands the problem you should let it go. Just make sure she understands that she should have no shared intimacies with another man that you know and socialize with that you are not part of.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

_Of course_ she didn't tell you.

If she had, you might not have taken her back.

And she _knew_ that.

I'd wouldn't be happy about it either. Hell, I'd probably find myself walking back through every memory I had of them socializing since then.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. * Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it.*


How do you know?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Was the guy married or engaged at the time?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There was an episode King Of Queens with this exact story. Doug was not happy about either.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> How do you know?


I don't _know_, it's a presumption. That's why I used the word "probably".


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Jealousy. It's a *****. It takes a very confident self assured person to factor that out of the equation. In the final analysis it about you and not her or him.

It's about how you feel, how you cope, your insecurities and the worth of what you have. If what you have is good then this doesn't change much. If what you have
is borderline then this could fester into unrealistic proportions. 

The pain this might cause you to feel is real. How you deal with pain is determined by the kind of man you are.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

My thoughts:
There is no issue with the ONS, you were broken up. I think that out of respect to you she should have let you know about it at some point. But I say that not because you had a right to know but rather because he was still part of your social circle.

If you guys had no contact ever and it was a ONS with a stranger than she has a right to her privacy, but as he was part of your social circle and would be interacting with you and her than I think you had a right to know.

Let's face it, if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife found out after 25 years of marriage that one of her close friends had slept with you before you got married and she was never made aware of it she would very likely be losing her mind on it. people tend to go back over their history and re-evaluate the interactions based on the new information. so now are you going to be going back over your memories and wondering about times they may have been alone or times they were interacting or even comments they made to each other wondering about inside jokes.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bankshot1993 said:


> My thoughts:
> There is no issue with the ONS, you were broken up. I think that out of respect to you she should have let you know about it at some point. but I say that not because you had a right to know but rather because he was still part of your social circle.
> 
> If you guys had no contact ever and it was a ONS with a stranger than she has a right to her privacy, but as he was part of your social circle and would be interacting with you and her than I think you had a right to know.


I agree--my thoughts exactly. It's only problematic because this guy was someone you were friends with, and you unknowingly continued to socialize with him for 10 years after the fact.

I would not want someone my partner slept with to be part of our social circle, not even peripherally. I can be territorial. I would want to scratch her eyes out and rip out her hair every time I laid eyes on her. And it would also bother me that my partner would be ok having an ex-lover hanging around.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think that she was being very honest with you. If this guy was in your life afterwards I would have expected that she would have said something to you about it. I think that you have the right to be upset with her about it, it was not handled right at all. Ask her if she were in your shoes, would have have been upset you did that to her?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would tend to see him as the one degraded. She was with you, you broke up and she went with him, which lasted all of one time. He was a blip on her radar whereas you are the entire screen. It would seem to me that he would feel awkward around you as he was mostly insignificant. And, if indeed some of your friends knew/know about it they most likely thought of him as either insignificant or as a rebound from your breakup. You seem to feel as though he had/has something on you but in reality it is you that has the upper hand.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NorthstarGene said:


> What say ye? Am I being too sensitive or would you as a husband/wife find this ok?


If this man was still part of your social circle and you were unaware that he was a previous sexual partner for you wife this is indeed awkward. Even if she was exclusively monogamous with you ever since, she may have very well enjoyed this other man continuing to be slightly flirtatious with her and each reliving that moment vicariously through the memory of each other. 

Not cool!

I think you may need to establish contact with one of your previous sexual partners. Do NOT share with your wife that she was your sexual partner, and advocate the she and your wife hang out together as girlfriends while you enjoy some playful banter between the three of you! Now I am not saying you should do that, but describe that situation to your wife and see how she would feel about that. 

Now playing devil's advocate for your wife. Perhaps it was a mistake as she admitted it was not her best decision and the ONS was horrible. Perhaps it meant absolutely nothing to her afterwards and THAT is the reason she saw no consequence in the other man still being in the picture. Now that is not as bad, BUT she may have projected those feelings onto this other man and completely underestimated the fact that he was likely getting off on the memory of her, and the fact that he stuck around for so long afterwards is a strong indication that there was something there in it for him. Once again NOT COOL!

Badsanta


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I would tend to see him as the one degraded. She was with you, you broke up and she went with him, which lasted all of one time. He was a blip on her radar whereas you are the entire screen. It would seem to me that he would feel awkward around you as he was mostly insignificant. And, if indeed some of your friends knew/know about it they most likely thought of him as either insignificant or as a rebound from your breakup. You seem to feel as though he had/has something on you but in reality it is you that has the upper hand.


Not sure it is the upper hand kind of thing. I do not see that in the mental process of this. It is the visuals/mind movies. The OM should really not have been part of the social circle. If the W chose the OP to marry the OM should have been removed for good.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Oh, I'm a little on the fence with this one. 

I think that because you were broken up, it's really not your business who it was or that it even happened. HOWEVER, because it was a friend that you both have socialized with throughout the years, I think that changes things. She should have told you. It would have been the right thing to do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My initial reaction was that it's no big deal. You guys were split up. He probably thought you knew about it all those times you were hanging out with him - it wasn't HIS place to bring it up. It was hers, if she wanted to be brutally honest. And lets face it, brutal honesty sometimes isn't the best policy.

Then I thought about how I'd react if my husband had done the same thing and I changed my mind. It would PISS ME OFF if he never told me and I'd be REALLY upset.

That said, I don't think it's reasonable to be TOO upset over it, as long as she understands that what she did by not telling you is a huge NO-NO.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

She's lying.

If she didn't think it was an issue, why didn't she tell you back then. 

If it was a complete non issue in her mind, she would not have kept thinking about it all this time, enough to finally admit it now. She finally brought it up because she knew she has been withholding important information and she thought now would be a good time to admit it because so much time has elapsed and OM is no longer around. 

This was her effort to finally get it off her chest.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Only thing I can think of is she was embarrassed to share it with you? Maybe she regrets the ONS. I understand why you feel the way you do though...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NorthstarGene said:


> Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.
> 
> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.
> 
> ...


Seems like a kind of ****ty thing to do. The thing with this is on the one hand people like your wife want you to NOT covet their sexuality but if you really didn't it would bother them. A ONS when you are not together isn't an issue. Keeping it secret from you while you interacted for years is. Not having any empathy that this would bother you is a big red flag. It would bother most, and I would say having it not bother you would be worse because it would say that you really don't care about your intimacy. (your meaning you collectively)

The bigger problem is she has dismissed your feelings completely. This would be where my biggest problem would be. Obviously from the response here most would have at least a little problem with it. Scoffing at your partners concerns is never a healthy place to be in a relationship. 

I think any spouse who has a partner who wouldn't at least be a little hurt/jealous by this, has a partner who doesn't really value their sexual bond much. Having a partner whose attitude is "meh" doesn't sound very appealing.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I bet if you had said: "I'm happy you don't think this is bad because there were some things I did back then with one of our distant friends that I didn't share either because I didn't think you needed to know" her eyes would've bulged and she would've has a similar response to yours. 

Only if she had zero negative response to this would I believe she truly doesn't think what she did was wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> I bet if you had said: "I'm happy you don't think this is bad because there were some things I did back then with one of our distant friends that I didn't share either because I didn't think you needed to know" her eyes would've bulged and she would've has a similar response to yours.
> 
> Only if she had zero negative response to this would I believe she truly doesn't think what she did was wrong.


If she had zero negative response that would be worse in my opinion. Having a partner who doesn't give a **** about this kind of stuff is scary.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> If she had zero negative response that would be worse in my opinion. Having a partner who doesn't give a **** about this kind of stuff is scary.


IMO, at the end of the day....the W knows this is bad.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Only thing I can think of is she was embarrassed to share it with you? Maybe she regrets the ONS. I understand why you feel the way you do though...


I'm not sure keeping the ONS in her life socially is embarrassment or regret. OM should have been gone IMO.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

It won't be easy, but I'd say get over it.

Most of the people we get intimate with are people we meet in daily life. And, since we tend to be repeat visitors at the same places, the intimate partners we have will likely have interacted with other people at the same places we go.

I got a (to me) disgusting example of how bad it can get...25 years ago I attended an "America Online Party", held at a large nightspot in Denver. The younger chap who'd introduced me to America Online had told me it was happening. We walked in, I'd say there were 200 people there. He gazed around and mused "I honestly can't see a woman here who I haven't been to bed with yet". My instinctive reaction was "baloney" and then "eww"...and then as I saw women interacting with him I realized that they treated him as a major hunk...he did look like Brad Pitt but without the low-IQ low brow. The only woman I chose to interact was the only one NOT showing extreme interest in him. And she turned out to be his younger sister. We ended up going out for coffee and while it could have gone somewhere, she was about 15 years younger than me and it already felt like she needed a dad - not what I was after.

On a more normal scale, though...I met my wife where I worked. We had both been there 15 years. The building had 1500 people in it. I lived close to the facility and so did she...and so did many other employees. So, if I dated a woman I met near my neighborhood, chances were high that she worked at the same place I did...such was true, of course, for my to-be-wife. So, in this case, it wasn't icky - but it was certainly the case that both of us had been intimate with other people who worked at the same place, and it really didn't take much to notice which other guys had some of the characteristics that she liked about me, and who seemed to express a familiarity with her. And I'm sure she found it the same.

So...it's just a natural outcome of the way humans tend to socialize from those activities we do most often.

Now, if it's something you want to never experience - keep your virginity until you marry and insist you'll only marry someone who does the same.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm not sure keeping the ONS in her life socially is embarrassment or regret. OM should have been gone IMO.


Totally agree on that, the fact that he came to their wedding...ugh. Classy guy, eh? Why would he not just stop associating with her once he realized she was married? Idk. :scratchhead:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ok that sucks, not so much she hooked up with the guy but the fact that she kept him in your lives and never told you about it is kind of ****ty. After all this time I would probably make myself get over it but sure would be watchful of them together, just because. 

It's a tough one though. Would you have told her if the situation was reversed? Why did this come up after 25 years? Was she mad at you? I think after 25 years that would be a secret I would take to my grave.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NorthStarGene,

I would have an enormous issue with anyone my W had continued to see, even casually, someone she had sex with after we
were married.

Did she communicate in any way with him during your marriage and how close does he live to you now.

I have a brother in law who tried to have sex with my now wife when we were dating and I have to tell you that even now 
, 30 years later, I really don't like being around him. My W does not want to tell her sister what happened however. 

Another issue is are you sure you have the complete truth or was her relationship with this OM the secret reason you broke up back then. People tend to minimize what they tell you, and the ONS may just have been the culmination of a much longer EA "emotional affair."

Pay a visit to the OM and see what additional details he gives you.

Tamat


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

To answer your question, it is quite okay to be bothered and saddened. 

Having an ONS while broken up is nothing. To me not saying anything is nothing because women get shamed for having sexual partners. With 25 years of marriage this applies more so for your age bracket. Him fulfilling his desire when we broke up wouldn't bother me as much. Just like I'd tell her to calm down if you had sex with her friend on a break up.

Letting me yuck it up for 10 years, after they had a sex tryst, would bother me. Oh and I get the part about other people knew. 

I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince her of anything and it isn't worth ruining an otherwise good marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Totally agree on that, the fact that he came to their wedding...ugh. Classy guy, eh? Why would he not just stop associating with her once he realized she was married? Idk. :scratchhead:


Some folks are wired differently. I have family who have divorced and the ex wives still come around with the new wife present. Some are best friends. :scratchhead:


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

What one spouse did prior to marriage is their business (assuming it was legal). 

BUT- she should have disclosed that she slept with this guy before having you all hang out with him during your marriage. That's just openness and honestly in marriage. 

I think you have a right to be upset and I'd use it as an opportunity to let her know that you expect full transparency in the future because this bothered you. One thing I've learned in marriage is that what bothers me may not necessarily bother my husband if the roles were reversed- but it doesn't mean I'm wrong for feeling that way. As your wife, she should care about your feelings enough to not let it happen again now that she knows you're not ok with unknowingly hanging out with a guy she slept with.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you asked her if the roles were reversed and you slept with a friend of her's and she hung out with her for all those years and only you two knew you had a thing once...would she be upset? i would feel like there was a joke in the room every time you there got together and you were it...its one thing if it was a stranger still another if they are a friend.


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## NorthstarGene (Mar 17, 2017)

Hello,

I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.

Having known this information for about two weeks, the sadness fluctuates greatly. I will forget about the whole thing, then something on the radio reminds me of an event… then pow… it all comes back like a freight train and I just get bummed out again.

She did nothing wrong “by the letter of the law” but it still seems like I am on the wrong end of bad deal. And the biggest problem is she does not see this as a big deal. Just because it is “legal” does not mean it was right.

In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things

Thanks again


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Is OM still hanging around? I'd tell wife he is GONE!!! As others have said, she probably would be a little upset if you would have been jumping one of her friends back then. And you still go out to beers with her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NorthStar,

Expect recovery to take about 2 to 5 years, for some people longer. The triggers can last indefinitely.

The basic issues here is honesty and respect.

Your W never got a chance to recover either, I would suspect she thought about it once a day or so.

If the OM was married or dating someone he subsequently married they need to be told.

Tamat


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Muster up the absolute straightest face you can and tell her that you slept with her sister during that same time period all those years ago.

Then wait 60 seconds and ask her why she's freaking out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> IMO, at the end of the day....the W knows this is bad.


Of course she does, there was a reason she kept it secret. Now she is just dismissing him and shaming him so he won't bring it up. She sounds kind of crappy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> To answer your question, it is quite okay to be bothered and saddened.
> 
> Having an ONS while broken up is nothing. To me not saying anything is nothing because women get shamed for having sexual partners. With 25 years of marriage this applies more so for your age bracket. Him fulfilling his desire when we broke up wouldn't bother me as much. Just like I'd tell her to calm down if you had sex with her friend on a break up.
> 
> ...


How good of a marriage can it be with secrets and her dismissing him when basically everyone here thinks it is at least an uncomfortable deal. Doesn't sound like a great one to me. Not someone I would want to be married to.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I would have a hard time with this. You yucked it up for 10 years with this man that had sex with your wife while she was single and no one said anything til now? She was single and she had this right but I think she should have told you and I wonder about the friendship with your male friend. So he goes on with you as if nothing happened? You are going to have to find a way to forgive them both. These kind of things can ruin a marriage and you are going to have to find alot of strength to be able to truly forgive and move on.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Major Trigger Thread for Me. So I experienced all of these things with my W and it has been at the root of many of our problems for decades really.

While we were engaged my W told me that she had been with one person a couple of times so no big deal right? I thought I knew who it was. I had never met him and I never would cross paths with him so I really did not care. What I discovered shortly after we were married is that it was a very good friend of mine and it was not a couple of times it was a long, hot summer and he wanted to marry her but he had pissed her off and so they were playing games with each other minds.

So it does piss me off that I was not told by either one of them. I likely would have not married her. There has been no getting away from him as her best friend is married to his brother and her sister ended up marrying his other brother. It is all just a bit too close for me. 

You know it is funny one day my Mom found a box of old stuff of mine in the attic and gave it to me. The next morning I was going through it and I found a few letters from a girl I had dated (and that is all we did) in college. She asked what I was reading and when I told her she flipped out. I was astonished. I reminded her that it was ok for her to invite her F Buddy to our wedding but I was being castigated for reading a few letters from a girl I dated. How is that for priceless?OP what your wife did to you sucks badly. She owes you an apology. 

Now in true TAM fashion I will just put it out there that this being a ONS only is questionable.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm not so sure I'd be very happy knowing my husband slept with someone in our social circle (ONS or not). Jealousy rightfully kicks in.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You were separated. Are you telling me, she hasnt come accross any of your ex girlfriends in the 25 years of your marriage? Have you gone out of your way to ensure they are excluded from all social functions you happen to attend with your wife or you avoid all such social functions, weddings, church, etc?

See where I am going with this? YOu have had 25 good years, stop mulling over the past and move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> You were separated. Are you telling me, she hasnt come accross any of your ex girlfriends in the 25 years of your marriage? Have you gone out of your way to ensure they are excluded from all social functions you happen to attend with your wife or you avoid all such social functions, weddings, church, etc?
> 
> See where I am going with this? YOu have had 25 good years, stop mulling over the past and move on.


Somehow you equate that to having the person in your social circle? Really not the same thing. 

OP I think you wife found your account and is posting on this thread.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

NorthstarGene said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.
> 
> ...



That's why she didn't tell you.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I'm wondering why she told him all these years later, if it was only because he wouldn't have married her, she could have told him a few years later. Not clear if this guy is still around. Possibly she had an affair for that same decade or so, and he's now out of the picture, so now she's getting it all off her chest by admitting to a ONS during a break. Doesn't make sense to me otherwise.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You were both broken up for 3 months. You were not married at that time. Did you date or have sex with any women during that time?

Did the two of your set down rules for this break up that the TWO of you were to NOT DATE others or anything - ever or for 12 months?
A lot of people date within their circle... it's quite normal.

If she had sex with this friend WHILE you both we talking about getting back together - then that would be an issue. But in reality, she was not yours nor were you her's. What right would you have had BACK then about who she dated, kissed or had sex with? If its 25+ years of no cheating... then grow up and let it go. Go see a therapist by yourself and as a couple to sort this out.

I can kind of see both sides of the coin, we recently had a similar story last month - except it was a few months after and no marriage. That OP (a woman) had sex with a previous BF, while she was broken up with future fiancee - like a year of not being together. Her BF found out about it and had sex with her friend for revenge. Then attacked her for "cheating on him" - he was having an affair with her friend because it was ongoing - while what she did, it was a ONS with an ex and being back in a relationship with her BF wasn't even a blimp on the radar. She and most of us here - recommended that she leave him. Since he was immature and had sex several times with the other woman, even the day before he flew across the country to live with her.

Your wife didn't cheat on you. It was kind of none of your business. I doubt anyone is laughing at you or care, it was 25 years ago. Mature people don't worry about such things. When I broke up with my wife for a few months - I was dating and having sex with others. When we decided to get back together, I finished off 2 last dates and that was that. No more.

I've been in a situation of your buddy many years ago, before getting married myself. She was a FWB woman but had spent about 2 years separated from her husband who WAS having sex with other women. We partied and other mutual friends know we were sexual. When she and her husband went back together about 7 years ago, I never attempted to have sex with her again. We are friends, yes. Her husband knows me. Since she and her husband have reconciled - she never asked me for sex, and I never offered. We're all past that, it's the past.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

NorthstarGene said:


> Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.
> 
> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. *She omitted this interaction when we got back together.* Recently she told me about the ONS.
> 
> ...




Did you specifically ask if she had slept with anyone during the break? If so, I'd be super pissed. If you didn't ask, she didn't do anything wrong, but it still would bother me. I would still wonder about why she brings it up after all these years. (See my other post). Is the guy still in the picture, if not, how long has he been gone?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I have no problem with what she did while you were legitimately broken up. 

However, she wanted the friend to remain in her life, even if she chose you. They could remain "friends" and decide FOR you what was best (not to tell you). No harm done if you're oblivious. When they'd see each other, what do you bet they'd look at each other with a face, "remember the time when...?" and you'd have zero clue. 

Yeah, they both sound wonderful.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TaDor said:


> You were both broken up for 3 months. You were not married at that time. Did you date or have sex with any women during that time?
> 
> Did the two of your set down rules for this break up that the TWO of you were to NOT DATE others or anything - ever or for 12 months?
> A lot of people date within their circle... it's quite normal.
> ...


The difference being her husband knew about you, right?

OP knew nothing until recently and interacted with him for years unknowingly.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> I have no problem with what she did while you were legitimately broken up.
> 
> However, she wanted the friend to remain in her life, even if she chose you. They could remain "friends" and decide FOR you what was best (not to tell you). No harm done if you're oblivious. When they'd see each other, what do you bet they'd look at each other with a face, "remember the time when...?" and you'd have zero clue.
> 
> Yeah, they both sound wonderful.


And, why reveal it now?

What purpose does it serve ? Other than cause pain for OP?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

25yrs the ago........had a good marriage .........

Put it to bed and never think of it again. Your just causing yourself undue stress. Is this you hill to die on. What do you want validation that she was wrong or a ****.

You were broken up she could do as she pleases.

He must have not been very good if she came back to you.

If she ever mentions it again just chuckle and say yea i have some regretts also and give her a wicked grin.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Malaise said:


> And, why reveal it now?
> 
> What purpose does it serve ?


She's been harbouring this for a long time and it's always been nagging her in the back of her mind. Now she has finally gotten it off her chest. 

She knows it's a big deal but if she keeps pretending it's not then OP will be confused by the minor gaslighting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NorthstarGene said:


> Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.
> 
> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.
> 
> ...


Nope.

Pretty reasonable response and expectation.

Did you screw around as well? Did you talk to each other about what you had done during your separation?

F'ing other people is one of the stupidest things you can do if you want to reconcile and it sounds like she used the break up as an excuse to try out some other men. Did you sample some women?

You both should have had a discussion before getting back together. 

Yes, banging a guy that hangs out with both of you and your friends and is even in your wedding later was monumentally stupid on her part especially in light of not disclosing that to you.

It shows a severe lack of consideration and respect for you.

I would feel far less mellow than you about it but I would have instigated a serious tell all conversation before getting back together with her to avoid pitfalls like the very one you are describing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NorthstarGene said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.
> 
> ...


Ok. Then that is why she didn't tell you.

She decided to manipulate you into marrying her by hiding information (lying by omission) so she could sample getting f'd by her buddy and still get married to you.

She is still probably lying her butt off about it and probably had far more than a ONS with him and possibly tried someone else.

Her personality comes off as very selfish and manipulative when it comes to relationships.

I would be furious to be manipulated like you have been.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things
*

You'd throw away a great marriage because your wife had a fling before you were married and on a break? How sad. 

Yes she should have given you the heads up, but this statement above makes me think that you're treating her like she was a s*** because she slept with another guy while not in a committed relationship. 

I think if this ruins things in your marriage it will be on you. She was likely embarassed, or just wanted to put it behind her. Obviously this guy wasn't who she chose to spend her life with. You need to stop punishing her for having sex with another guy while you two were broken up. That's her business. The only issue is that you had to be around this guy without knowing. If she'd told you, you wouldn't have married her? And you wonder why she has trouble being open and honest with you? Goodness.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just thought I would chime in with my tuppence:

Some questions have already been asked about what the agreement was when you broke up and also what was discussed/asked when you got back together again.

There are two problems here:

One is that she allowed him to stay in your social circle all this time which is simply DISRESPECTFUL! Is she a disrespectful person in general ? If not, then she knew enough that this was disrespect but still did it. Finding out your wife has been a disrespectful person after all this time is tough.

Two is that she does not see (or pretends not to see) what was wrong in all this. This is a different problem in that is she really that obtuse or insensitive - or is she pretending not to see (dishonest) ?

So yes you have every right to be upset.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Who cares. You weren't together. 

Did you have sex with other women when you broke up? I hope so

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How good of friends with this OM? Ordinarily, she should have kept quiet......unless you and the other guy were real close but not sure even then. 

I'm thinking it was more awkward for him than you. You were broken up, he took a shot, she picked you over him. I've known many similar cases and since all the couples ended up in long marriages I assume it's no big deal. Insecure people may have a problem but that's life.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

NorthstarGene said:


> My wife does not understand why I am so saddened by the fact he knew he had sex with my wife at all these events while interacting with me. It’s like they had this secret for ten plus years and I was the outsider.


I am with you on this. But I think it is to some extent a male vs female brain thing. We see this kind of divide here a lot. I can't explain why it is different but it does seem to be a thing.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> She's been harbouring this for a long time and it's always been nagging her in the back of her mind. Now she has finally gotten it off her chest.
> 
> She knows it's a big deal but if she keeps pretending it's not then OP will be confused by the minor gaslighting.


Maybe she never thinks about it at all. It was long ago may mean nothing to her. We all see the situation through the filter of our own experiences.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sokillme said:


> How good of a marriage can it be with secrets and her dismissing him when basically everyone here thinks it is at least an uncomfortable deal.


 Boy you like to argue. 

Read my post again, if you don't understand what I said, please ask for an explanation. I am very clear where I draw the line, but I know at times I can be confusing. As to the rest, you'll have to find someone else to engage with you on your extreme cherry picking.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It would bother me for sure. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> NorthStar,
> 
> Expect recovery to take about 2 to 5 years, for some people longer. The triggers can last indefinitely.
> 
> The basic issues here is honesty and respect.


Yup.

As I started learning more about my xw's undisclosed (and misrepresented) past, it cast an entirely different light on her. What I had perceived as her levels of honesty and respect were obviously not correct.

It left me wondering who else she'd been with that I had socialized with and had no idea. It left me wondering how many of her/our friends thought I was a chump all these years.

One thing that needs to be done at this point is a total disclosure on OP's wife's part. She needs to confess anything and everything which may be relevant. Whatever she may have lied about, skewed, or covered up needs to be corrected.

The fact she is _acting_ as if this is no big deal indicates she either has zero empathy or she doesn't really care about OP's feelings on it. Her reaction should be one of caring about his distress, saying how sorry she is that he feels like this, and saying she wishes somehow she could go back in time to change what happened.

She can be of the opinion that this wasn't a breach of trust because she believes had it been reversed it would not bother her. She can even say that to OP. But she should as a trustworthy and caring spouse also not dismiss or shame his response.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

It is possible she got dumped by the other dude and the OP was her second choice. Still some unanswered questions...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

NorthstarGene said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.
> 
> ...


Your opening post shared "The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her."

Yet you say the bolded... but there is no ends and there is no means because to have that, you would be saying what she did was wrong.

Were you "wronged" or are you trying to make it a "wrong"?

We all make mistakes, but this wasn't dishonesty, and while she she was not forthcoming (are many of us when we do something we are not proud of?), she was probably ashamed by it, but she did volunteer the information, and reaction to it playing the "what if" game is self-defeating.

How about this example of what he may have shared in your circle " Yeh, we hooked up but it was a mistake... she is a really nice girl and so in love with NorthstarGene, it never should have happened and I feel bad, I hope she has a great life with a great guy".

If you can guess on one unknown, why couldn't you guess on this one?

I tend to agree with @Jessica38... of course, if you choose to ride a judgmental high horse, falling off always hurts so be sure you aren't winding yourself up and it's galloping at full speed, because falling off it will be much worse.

The love for you shown last 25 years should show you all you need to know... if you try to prove it wrong, you will only be "wronging" yourself, she will simply catch that fallout of you being unmounted.

Let it go... this can only hurt you with your consent.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Malaise said:


> The difference being her husband knew about you, right?
> 
> OP knew nothing until recently and interacted with him for years unknowingly.


I don't know... it never came up. So are you saying that it's okay for a man to go have sex with other women when there is a breakup, but not women? At the time, she/they were not planning on getting back together. I'm happy for them. They married for a year, broke up for almost two years and now its 7 years of both of them happy.

Could she have told the OP back then, yep. Does the act itself make a difference - it shouldn't. They were NOT together. The real question is WHY did she bring it up now? What was the context of the bringing it up?


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## acw83 (Mar 9, 2017)

I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man. 

****** Williams


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## acw83 (Mar 9, 2017)

Happens*

****** Williams


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Boy you like to argue.
> 
> Read my post again, if you don't understand what I said, please ask for an explanation. I am very clear where I draw the line, but I know at times I can be confusing. As to the rest, you'll have to find someone else to engage with you on your extreme cherry picking.


I am not arguing with you I am just bringing my prospective, I find it hard to believe you can really have a good marriage with someone who is so dismissive. Take it or leave it. Guess you are leaving it. >


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

acw83 said:


> I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man.
> 
> ****** Williams


It's not even the hanging out it is the not saying anything about it. And then not even acknowledging his feelings when they are pretty normal if you take the responses here as a sample. Telling him to get over it is just lame.


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## acw83 (Mar 9, 2017)

Oh. I agree she should have said something. I maybe should have specified that. But saying to not let it eat at your relationship that is obviously good (he did state how he felt at being married to her and it has been good) is not telling him get over it! Maybe you misread my post. Nowhere in it did I tell him to "just get over it". Seems to me you are just trying to find a fight where there is none.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that it was crappy of her to keep OP in the dark knowing full well this guy was in their social circle.

As to her motivation, that's hard to say. Maybe she was afraid he wouldn't marry her, or maybe she just wanted it to go away. 

I do think it was selfish and counterproductive to bring it up now. If it was to unburden herself that's very selfish.....I guess if she thought he was soon going to find out it was best coming from her, but why would it come up after so long?

But it is possible she really hasn't thought much about this guy in a long time. I know I barely remember anyone before my hb and it's been almost 12 years for us.....I have kids with my ex but I barely remember much beyond coparenting with him. That's how little anyone else matters to me compared to my hb.

But in fairness none of my exes are in our social circle and my ex hb is limited to dealing with kids.

I don't know what to offer here. Maybe time is needed to let things process and pass?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Your opening post shared "The last 25 years have been great and I am blessed to be married to her."
> 
> Yet you say the bolded... but there is no ends and there is no means because to have that, you would be saying what she did was wrong.
> 
> ...


Wow. What a great reply.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know what to offer here. Maybe time is needed to let things process and pass?


Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.

My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.

And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing _subterfuge_. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

acw83 said:


> I don't know. I might be cut from a different cloth here, but is something that halogens that long ago worth hurting your current relationship over? I would not see anything wrong with one of my husband's exes hanging around in large social situations. Why you ask? Because I an secure in the fact that he chooses me every day from the present into his future and I see no other woman as a threat to me because I choose every day to be a damn good woman in every way to my man and my children. If my man were to step out, it would be something wrong on his side, not mine. I guess being a confident and secure woman makes me even more ok with it. My attitude, let that ex hang around, so they can see what an amazing thing their ex has now in you! Let them see the love, the patience, the understanding, the forgiveness, and be the bigger man.
> 
> ****** Williams


I wish I could like this more than just once.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

WHY did she all of a sudden mention this to you? Seems like after 25 years, she would have no particular reason to talk about this unless a) she is REALLY guilty about it -- but why NOW?? or b) something came up between the two of them that she thought she'd better tell you.

Either way, her not understanding how uncomfortable you will be around this guy is NOT acceptable.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> WHY did she all of a sudden mention this to you? Seems like after 25 years, she would have no particular reason to talk about this unless a) she is REALLY guilty about it -- but why NOW?? or b) something came up between the two of them that she thought she'd better tell you.
> 
> Either way, her not understanding how uncomfortable you will be around this guy is NOT acceptable.


Shrinks will tell you that to really explore yourself you go deeper into the issue. Regardless of reason to tell her husband the question is really about him and his reactions. There are probably stages of processing this kind of information. I might want to know every detail of what happened. Where did it happen? Did he take you out before it happened? How big was his **** and so forth. Then put it to rest. Once the mystery is gone all that remains are the facts. Go with it. Get into it. Imaginary scenarios are likely worse than the reality.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

urf said:


> Shrinks will tell you that to really explore yourself you go deeper into the issue. Regardless of reason to tell her husband the question is really about him and his reactions. There are probably stages of processing this kind of information. I might want to know every detail of what happened. Where did it happen? Did he take you out before it happened? How big was his **** and so forth. Then put it to rest. Once the mystery is gone all that remains are the facts. Go with it. Get into it. Imaginary scenarios are likely worse than the reality.


I don't think those kinds of questions would be productive.

The issue is she deceived him via omitting important information. So what is needed is to correct the record on anything else she may have not been fully honest about. If it were me, I would not want to know additional information about her previous relationships which I already know about. She did not lie about having the ONS, she lied by omission about who it was with, and she let her husband hang out with this guy unknowingly.

Having been through something similar with my now xw, what I wanted was a full disclosure about whatever may not have been fully honestly divulged before. I didn't need to know which bf of hers had a big penis or who was romantic. I didn't need to know what sex positions they enjoyed. Those details weren't needed before and weren't needed as part of fixing the lies. What was needed was to know what information was incorrect, and then to correct it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> How good of friends with this OM? Ordinarily, she should have kept quiet......unless you and the other guy were real close but not sure even then.
> 
> I'm thinking it was more awkward for him than you. You were broken up, he took a shot, she picked you over him. I've known many similar cases and since all the couples ended up in long marriages I assume it's no big deal. Insecure people may have a problem but that's life.


I'm as confident and secure as they come. I could pick up women in their twenties tonight.

This would bother me with a serious intensity because it doesn't speak well of her character.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thor said:


> Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.
> 
> My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.
> 
> And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing _subterfuge_. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.


Not a gender issue in my experience.

Mrs. C would have been more furious than I if I did this to her.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.


LOL!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@NorthstarGene


I feel for you, she did a ****ty thing by not telling you about it.


That said, I want to try and offer some comfort.

There's a good chance that all the people in your social circle either:

1.) Don't know about it.

2.) Figure that you know about it and accept it; that's why you still socialize with the guy.

That should be a salve for your pride. Your pride is hurt. As it should be. My pride would be hurt; and I'm a woman. (Why do people think that women wouldn't be ****ing furious if their husband withheld this type of information?)

So, I wouldn't worry that you are the laughingstock of your social circle. I doubt it.

And finally, now that you DO know: Your wife must agree to never see this guy ever again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Northstargene, who broke up with who back then?

This is a messed up deal.

She is definitely in the wrong. She should have told you. Hell she might have broke up with you to do the ONS. 

I have a gf do that in high school and try and get back together with me. Turns out they date for a few weeks he got want he wanted and dumped her. Then she came to me asking it we come try again. Not in this life time. It would not be the first time a person had done this. I found out what had happened through other people. She didn't tell.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I feel for you, she did a ****ty thing by not telling you about it.


True

And she compounded it by bringing it up after so much time has passed.

OP: Why did she mention it after all this time?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> Yup.
> 
> As I started learning more about my xw's undisclosed (and misrepresented) past, it cast an entirely different light on her. What I had perceived as her levels of honesty and respect were obviously not correct.
> 
> ...


Either she doesn't get it or she does and just doesn't care.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Oh my, you really came to the wrong place. These guys are going to have you or your wife filing for divorce by the end of the week.


She's right. Let it go Gene. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Thor said:


> Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.
> 
> My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.
> 
> And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing _subterfuge_. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.


Thor, this says a lot about your insecurities. Could you ever have a relationship with a worldly woman? One who has had more sexual experiences with men than you did with women? Do you want an equal as a partner?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

urf said:


> Thor, this says a lot about your insecurities. Could you ever have a relationship with a worldly woman? One who has had more sexual experiences with men than you did with women? Do you want an equal as a partner?


Apparently not. I'm one of those insecure controlling cavemen. You've seen right through me. Lol.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

NorthstarGene said:


> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.


She omitted it because she knew it might impact you getting together with her. Like you said it was a ONE night stand, and I thinnk it should be take for what it was. A one time thing, especially because you were broken up, so she could do whatever she wanted. She still loved you though.

I was the "third" in a relationship before and we would all hang out together, wife husband and me. Husband obviously had no clue. It was horrible at that time, and thinking about it now it looks even more horrible, but I dont see how things could have gone differently. Sometimes you just do stuff, and regret it later. I dont think this "friend" did anything wrong: was he supposed to disappear from your lives because when you dumped your girl he consoled her?


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

NorthstarGene said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am the original poster. Thank you all for taking the time to respond with your supportive answers.
> 
> ...


I think the guy "friend" in question should have been gracious enough to leave you guys alone once you got married. Your wife really didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. They probably even talked about it and decided to never do it again. 
When I was the third in a situation like this, I left them alone once I realized they still loved each other.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Juice said:


> She's right. Let it go Gene.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


This is kind of disappointing.

I'm not advocating for divorce and I don't see a lot of "divorce her" statements on this thread.

I am saying I would be very cross with my wife if she had pulled a brat move like this one on me.

Everyone is different with how they react to being treated with disrespect and manipulation.

I personally would have punished my wife with a thorough spanking and then we would sit down and really communicate about how her dishonesty was a very unhealthy choice for our relationship.

We would have repaired the rift, grown from it and moved on.

I probably would have found the "friend" by myself and intimidated the hell out of him while making his life somewhat uncomfortable for a while.

I am good at psychological warfare though and everyone has to work with what they have.

Can you quote all the cries for divorce over this one?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> I think the guy "friend" in question should have been gracious enough to leave you guys alone once you got married. Your wife really didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. They probably even talked about it and decided to never do it again.
> When I was the third in a situation like this, I left them alone once I realized they still loved each other.


That's an interesting point, and I agree. The guy should've removed himself from the situation so that at least there was distance between him and the two of you. 

I cut off a guy friend, who I'd never has any kind of relationship with beyond friendship, because he got married and I had reason to think his wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship.

So I quietly removed myself.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> This is kind of disappointing.
> 
> I'm not advocating for divorce and I don't see a lot of "divorce her" statements on this thread.
> 
> ...


Just a strawman. The closest anyone came to advocating divorce is that he said he wouldn't have married her if he had known.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> Maybe it is a guy, thing. I've heard from many men a similar emotional upset to finding out that they've been socializing unknowingly with a former lover of their current gf or wife. And it seems to be much worse when it is a wife.
> 
> My reaction was that I felt like he "had one over on me", or something like that. He knew, but I didn't. It feels like a severe disadvantage. I can say I never felt great being around someone I knew she'd been with before, but at least I knew. Not knowing and then finding out later is somehow very unpleasant.
> 
> And perhaps it piggy backs onto that when one considers their wife chose not to inform them of this ongoing _subterfuge_. Even if it really wasn't a malicious thing (perhaps she was only avoiding embarrassment and not trying to harm her husband), it feels really scummy that your wife put you in a subordinate position to another lover. And that may be what is different about men vs women, where it doesn't seem that way to the woman.



Wow, I'd never considered it from that perspective, but it does make sense.

You explained it really well, particularly the comment about being in a subordinate position. 

That could be a gender thing, because I know I wouldn't be happy to find out i was socializing with an ex of my hb's, but it wouldn't be because I felt like I was in a subordinate position. It would be because I think exes have no place in a current relationship and I would question both his boundaries and committment to me if he was socializing with an ex and keeping the ex part from me. I guess I'd feel a little disadvantaged because I wouldn't know to pay a little extra attention, which I think you have to do with an ex around.

However, I'm not inclined to be a policewoman with my own hb. That isn't the sort of relationship I'm interested in.

That's exactly the reason I think exes have no place in a relationship.

You want to sniff around elsewhere? Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

We have no reason to see any of my exes besides my ex hb who clearly hb knows all about, but if we did I would give him a heads up.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's an interesting point, and I agree. The guy should've removed himself from the situation so that at least there was distance between him and the two of you.
> 
> I cut off a guy friend, who I'd never has any kind of relationship with beyond friendship, because he got married and I had reason to think his wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship.
> 
> So I quietly removed myself.


You seem to be more sensitive to the feelings of others than OP's wife.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I can absolutely see the case for completely cutting off an ex from any contact. But, it isn't always that simple. My cousin married one of my ex-boyfriends years ago. The difference? She knew everything. When I met my husband, he was made aware, too. I don't socialize with my cousin or her husband on a regular basis. But, if there is a family function and we all attend, I don't seek him out, nor do I go out of my way to ignore him. Same with him. But the most important aspect is that our spouses are aware of everything, and we never tried to hide any aspect of our prior relationship. 

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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Just a strawman. The closest anyone came to advocating divorce is that he said he wouldn't have married her if he had known.




It's not a straw man. No one has to mention divorce. You can just read the posts and see how they are escalating with all the speculation of nefarious deeds and motivation of the wife and in turn cause the poster to do something ridiculous and stupid to his happy 25 year marriage. FFS, someone even called the guy the OM in his post.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> *In the end, had I been told 25 years ago this would not be a problem now because I would not have gotten married. While certainly her "right", it would not be the mindset of a woman I was looking to marry. In this case you could argue the "ends justifies the means" because she has been a wonderful wife and partner. I just pray this doesn't ruin things
> *
> 
> You'd throw away a great marriage because your wife had a fling before you were married and on a break? How sad.
> ...


It's this kind of naive, childish, attitude that hurts so many people in the first place. Not only is OP's wife happy to deceive him into marriage, rub his nose in it with OM still around and keep it up for 25 years, *HE'S* the one who should be ashamed for objecting to the first in a long line of defense mechanisms designed to cover up poor behavior.

*THAT* is sad.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Juice said:


> Who cares. You weren't together.
> 
> Did you have sex with other women when you broke up? I hope so
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


I can understand his issue with this. I don't believe it is so much that she had sex with someone while they were broken up, but that she kept this guy around as a friend and never told OP about it. I'm sorry, but I agree that she should have told him. And, unless the guy ended up in a relationship with a family member, he should not have been in the friendship circle any longer.

However, I do agree with you and soccermom (as well as anyone else who has said this. The guy is not, nor has he ever been the "OM". The only way he would be an OM is if they had hooked up WHILE she was in a relationship with OP, or anyone else, for that matter. That was not the case. He is not an OM.

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> I am with you on this. But I think it is to some extent a male vs female brain thing. We see this kind of divide here a lot. I can't explain why it is different but it does seem to be a thing.


No. I guarantee it occurs to some females, too. Which is why I was open to my husband, before we ever got married, and told him that my cousin is married to an ex... And we had been intimate.

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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

I want OP to take the higher road and be the bigger person on this situation. Sitting around upset, angry, or saddened over this will not get him anywhere. Forgive your wife and move on.

Would I be upset. You know it, but being mad about something 25 years ago isn't worth it if they've had an amazing marriage.




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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> She omitted it because she knew it might impact you getting together with her. Like you said it was a ONE night stand, and I thinnk it should be take for what it was. A one time thing, especially because you were broken up, so she could do whatever she wanted. She still loved you though.
> 
> I was the "third" in a relationship before and we would all hang out together, wife husband and me. Husband obviously had no clue. It was horrible at that time, and thinking about it now it looks even more horrible, but I dont see how things could have gone differently. Sometimes you just do stuff, and regret it later. I dont think this "friend" did anything wrong: was he supposed to disappear from your lives because when you dumped your girl he consoled her?



She really knows how to show love. Break up for three months, bang another dude, then have that dude be best friend with your husband. Nice. What a way to show your love.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

NorthstarGene said:


> Married 25 years. Dated for 2 years. Broke up for 3 months. Got back together and have now been married 25 years.
> 
> While were broke up she had one night stand with a friend of hers who I know. She omitted this interaction when we got back together. Recently she told me about the ONS.
> 
> ...


It happened 25 years ago before you were married and you had only known each other for a brief time? Hmmm. That's a tough one. I probably would let it go with her. I'd have a hard time maintaining the friendship though since he never mentioned it to you. That seems strange to me. That part feels like a betrayal, but I don't feel like it's worth a confrontation at this point.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree with the people saying that you should move past this. Twenty-five years of good marriage is a lot to throw away over something like this. Yes, it would bother me, but it would only be a small blip on a rather large radar. Your wife chose you, not him. Express your unhappiness with the way it was handled. Then, pull her close and tell her you are happy she chose you. Tell her you love her and appreciate her for being a wonderful person and a great wife, then let this issue go away for good. 

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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> I agree with the people saying that you should move past this. Twenty-five years of good marriage is a lot to throw away over something like this. Yes, it would bother me, but it would only be a small blip on a rather large radar. Your wife chose you, not him. Express your unhappiness with the way it was handled. Then, pull her close and tell her you are happy she chose you. Tell her you love her and appreciate her for being a wonderful person and a great wife, then let this issue go away for good.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk



Let it go...25 years ...congrats.....I see both sides....I'd be 'bothered" but I'd get past it...she knows how for feel...move on...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's amazing to me that there are actually people who are OK with their spouses keeping secrets about sex with a member of there social circle. It's not the sex people, it's the fact that they both had a intimate secret about it and she hid from him her husband for 25 years. I wonder in the 25 years if her and her friend ever talked about it behind his back. I wonder if she would think that was a bid deal or he should get over that too. Let me ask some of our more cavalier posters on here, would it be OK if they every once and a while were they were to reminisce about it? If her friend brought it up to her? Would you be cool with that? Would you be so dismissive then?

Nah this isn't good. Not saying divorce or anything but this is not the same as some random hookup that you bump into at a party. Because she is dismissive of him it makes it seem like she doesn't get that fact. She seems to be saying "it's OK I had this intimate secret with one of our/my friends and you should not have a problem with it". Here is the thing, most people would have problems and questions about it, but if she takes the tact that he has no business being bother by this it will only get worse. Secrets like this fester in a marriage. 

Not good at all.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

OP has bailed, it seems. I think he already said he was ok with it but just wanted validation that it bothered him and he didn't like that his wife was annoyed at that. 

I still think there was not enough info. If you specifically ask if the other person was with anyone during your "break" and they said no, then that is huge. Basically a 25 year lie. And there must be a good reason why it was brought up, if he had know nothing. If she didn't think he should be bothered by it, why bring it to light?

Anyway, I don't think he's coming back. He's been told she "chose him" many times on here to make him feel better. It is also possible she was in a relationship with the other guy and got dumped, and OP was plan B.


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## NorthstarGene (Mar 17, 2017)

Hello,

OP here (I did not “Bail”; this is third post in 3 days).

Your responses have been very helpful both in quality and variety. My wife and I sat down and read them all last night.

First off, I totally get why Kennedy Conspiracies exist or how some people think Elvis is still alive. This was a pretty simple question and the responses varied greatly! 

The discussion of the OM came about because my wife and I are at a pivotal place in our live. Kids are in college and we recently sold house and are downsizing. It’s a good time, almost as if we are dating, not married for 25 years. My wife did not tell me to “get it off her chest”. It was more a result of a lot of mutual introspection.

I love my wife and believe her when she says it just snowballed. She did not tell me immediately when we got back together and every day it became harder to bring up. Eventually it became something in our past. I know she feels awful and embarrassed about both the ONS as well as the lack of telling me about it. I say this with complete confidence because after 25 years of marriage she has earned my trust. In the end the last couple of weeks have been much harder on her than me.

That said, I started this thread because it did bother me that she did not tell me. It still bothers me, but if this is the biggest problem I have in my life… then life is good. I will get over it.

Big picture, the disagreement over her omission is probably the best thing that could have happened. We are much closer as a result of our discussion AND the insightful responses we have here. I wish it had not happened, but since it did we are making the best of it. For all who responded, thank you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So North, does she get it...does she understand now that if the tables were turned how she would see this and feel about it? I am glad you guys are willing to move on from this, have you spoken to this individual the fact you now know?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NorthstarGene said:


> Hello,
> 
> OP here (I did not “Bail”; this is third post in 3 days).
> 
> ...


Well this sounds a lot better then your original post. At this point if she gets it then it's up to you to let it go.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> They shared an intimacy that you were excluded from, that's one strike. Mutual "friends" were in on it. That's another strike. Here's the thing, though. The friends weren't laughing about it behind your back. They probably never even thought about it.
> 
> *Your wife did a ****ty thing by hiding it from you, but once you've gotten through to her and she understands the problem you should let it go.* Just make sure she understands that she should have no shared intimacies with another man that you know and socialize with that you are not part of.


Quoting my first reply on this thread for emphasis. She screwed up, she knows it, time to let it go and just enjoy each other. :smthumbup:


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## NorthstarGene (Mar 17, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Quoting my first reply on this thread for emphasis. She screwed up, she knows it, time to let it go and just enjoy each other. :smthumbup:


This is as insightful as anything posted. My thoughts exactly.

I spent 20 years telling my kids they can either be a victim or a student when problems occur. Without thinking I initially defaulted to victim. With all the forum's help and time spent with my wife I am going to be a student and learn from this and move on. Thank you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NorthstarGene said:


> This is as insightful as anything posted. My thoughts exactly.
> 
> I spent 20 years telling my kids they can either be a victim or a student when problems occur. Without thinking I initially defaulted to victim. With all the forum's help and time spent with my wife I am going to be a student and learn from this and move on. Thank you.


Yes, accept it but allow your W to understand how you feel about it. This will clear up any questions. 

The other guy...needs to be gone.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Juice said:


> She's right. Let it go Gene.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


Only if you ignore "these guys" who said let it go. Oh right we now live in the Age of Alternative-Facts, my bad, carry on.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

10 years of what could have been a steady dopamine fix for her, for all you know. And you were none the wiser. 

From my perspective, both she and your "friend" were equally at fault and responsible. He definitely should have left you two alone when you got back together, but she should have told him to stay away as well. Neither happened. Thing is, you're choosing to remain with one of them for life, so I'd be very clear as to what standards you expect there to be in terms of transparency for the duration of your marriage. 

All the best.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Only if you ignore "these guys" who said let it go. Oh right we now live in the Age of Alternative-Facts, my bad, carry on.


Sure... let's dwell on the past and try to change things that already happen.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> 10 years of what could have been a steady dopamine fix for her, for all you know. And you were none the wiser.
> 
> From my perspective, both she and your "friend" were equally at fault and responsible. He definitely should have left you two alone when you got back together, but *she should have told him to stay away as well*. Neither happened. Thing is, you're choosing to remain with one of them for life, so I'd be very clear as to what standards you expect there to be in terms of transparency for the duration of your marriage.
> 
> All the best.


Even if she had never said anything to OP she should have done this.

How is her empathy otherwise?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Juice said:


> Sure... let's dwell on the past and try to change things that already happen.
> 
> Tomorrow is a new day.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


My post went way over your head, I'll drop it. I'll address something else you stated.

It isn't the higher road to ignore how you feel when hurt or angry about a lie. He didn't say he wanted to divorce or leave his wife. He doesn't want to jump on the investigative train to nowhere. He said his marriage was and is good. He asked if it is alright to feel this way and be bothered she doesn't get it. Yes, it is fine. Then he can let it go, as he did. As quite a few GUYS said, let it go, it isn't worth it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Just thought I would chime in with my tuppence:
> 
> Some questions have already been asked about what the agreement was when you broke up and also what was discussed/asked when you got back together again.
> 
> ...


I am glad that this concluded well for you and your wife. I attach my original post to make sure that you have the answers you should have.

So

What was the agreement or implied agreement when you guys split ? Was dating others allowed ? I am going to assume yes else you have a bigger problem which you will still need closure on because now we are dealing with cheating (albeit 25 years ago) which should not be rugswept.

Was this guy in your social circle ? Did you and/or your wife meet with him after that ?

If the answer to the above was yes, then does your wife acknowledge that this was disrespectful with you not knowing ?

If the answer to this is yes, then she needs to apologise - so why would she tell you that "it was nothing" and that "you are making a big deal of it" when she knows it was wrong. That would be additionally disrespectful and yet another apology needed and cause of concern.

If the answer to the question of her acknowledging it as disrespectful is no, then you have a different problem and need to understand the reason why - obtuse/stupid or just badly behaved.​

Or you can choose to ignore all this but I think it will pop up in your mind from time to time (more to do with her behaviour in handling this).

Also has she told you if she ever discussed this with the OM during your marriage and what they said ? I guess that short of a poly you will never get the truth on this one.


What does she now say about avoiding him when you visit or not including him in your family in anyway (brother's friend or not) ?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

sokillme said:


> It's not the sex people, it's the fact that they both had a intimate secret about it and she hid from him her husband for 25 years.


Yeah, sure it's about an "intimate secret" of 25 years.

But it's mostly about the sex.


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