# Trouble having fun together lately



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I've been making a point of trying to plan more nights for just the two of us lately since most of our time is work or our daughter. It's expensive -- sometimes the babysitter doubles the cost of a night out, but I've been biting the bullet and doing it anyway.

But somehow I feel like they're not going right. We have this buzzkilling dynamic we get into, it's definitely both of us. Example -- recently she really wanted to go to this one particular trendy rooftop bar, and I thought that sounded nice -- what could be bad about drinking on a rooftop on a summer night, etc. So we get there and it turns out it's gay pride night or something, and there's a cover charge too. So I kind of hesitated -- I don't think I'm homophobic or anything but that just doesn't sound like the atmosphere I'm gonna feel relaxed in. But she says "well do you have a better idea?" and the fact is I don't, even though we're in a neighborhood with a bunch of places, I just don't know the good spots anymore, plus I'm put on the spot now and I feel like if I choose something that turns out not to be fun, she's going to blame it on me all night.

So we go in, and to be honest it wasn't that crazy, pretty subdued, but at the same time I'm not totally relaxed, because I feel a little out of place. We have a couple drinks, she gets tipsy pretty fast, and now she wants to dance. Now I have no problem dancing -- when other people are dancing. But no one's dancing! And we're at a gay pride party and we're straight. So I just don't feel it. But when I don't want to dance, I feel like she takes it personally. So we leave shortly after, and it's a nice night to walk around, but she gets "tired" all of a sudden and just wants to go home. A bunch of money dropped, not much fun had.

Some of it might be our age. Some of it might be our choice of activity -- tbh I never liked going to a bar as a solo couple all that much. Bars seem like they're for large group socializing or picking people up. Maybe we need a new activity together. Thoughts?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hi John,
Are you guys trying to hard and trying to meet some sub-conscious expectation?

I found out my wife really likes it when we lay in bed holding hands and watching a murder mystery. She falls asleep sometimes but she enjoys the closeness.

She has usually prerecorded the show and has watched it already, but it fills up her love bank..

My wife has MS and is limited but it is right for us.

What works for the two of you? That is what matters.

IDK if that is helpful, but I hope you figure it out.
Take care!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Maybe we are trying too hard. The most fun we had lately was just watching a good movie together at home.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

How old is your daughter?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Toddler


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Hubs and I used to do this years ago. We have 4 kids that are a lot older now. We called it Friday Fun Night when they were little and money was tight..We were desperate for time alone. Our oldest was in 6th grade, we bought them pizza and a movie and told them when to go to bed....and NOT to interrupt mom and dad in their bedroom unless it was an emergency...Hubs and I would also rent a movie, fav carry out, Chinese, Subway. whatever.....and adult beverages....the next 4 hours we ate/drank/had sex/watched a movie/and repeated....this was the best idea we came up with...Friday Fun Night was something we really talked about all week....the anticipation was as fun as the date night....You and your wife could do this after she goes to bed....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Maybe we are trying too hard. The most fun we had lately was just watching a good movie together at home.


The nice thing of staying in though is that you can start with a movie and can lead to a shower/massage/cooking late night snacks.....I will say it is hard but not impossible....even putting on some jazz music with a bottle of wine and slow dancing with candles switches it up...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

over20 said:


> The nice thing of staying in though is that you can start with a movie and can lead to a shower/massage/cooking late night snacks.....I will say it is hard but not impossible....even putting on some jazz music with a bottle of wine and slow dancing with candles switches it up...


I didn't say a movie was all that happened


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I didn't say a movie was all that happened


I know... I was just offering up suggestions that hubs and I have used....we have 4 kids..oldest is out of the house down to 12...we will be married 22 yrs in November, believe me we know how hard it is to have couple time...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I didn't say a movie was all that happened


Me neither!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I didn't say a movie was all that happened


Ok, so then you are having fun together lately.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

intheory said:


> Too bad drive-in movies have gone the way of the dinosaur.
> 
> Is there one near you, by any chance? Toddler falls asleep in the back seat, and meanwhile . . .
> 
> Or, even just going for a drive. When junior falls asleep, park somewhere scenic, private as possible, and have some fun.


Ideal situation  Funny thing us kids would be laying on the roof of the car watching the movie and mom and dad would be in the front seat, prob getting some kissy face action going on.....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Over20 You have a great attitude. I bet your husband is one happy man.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> Over20 You have a great attitude. I bet your husband is one happy man.


Thank you, I really was not a nice wife early on, I was pretty selfish. I had to learn how to be a loving wife...if that makes any sense :scratchhead: I just read a lot of books about marriage early on...I didn't want to have my husband leave me down the road because I was being a jerk....through a lot of reading I changed my views...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

intheory said:


> Which might be the reason that you have such a healthy, happy sex life yourself.
> 
> You "picked up" on the vibe going on between your parents.
> 
> ...


I hope they have...they are a lot older now....it's hard though marriage is trial and error just like parenting is


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## Peachee (Jul 1, 2014)

And if you (or your wife) is worried that your daughter will wake up, just dust off the old baby monitor and use it! We spent many years having "dates" in our basement when the kids were little!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I guess thinking about my post more, I see these as the problems:
1) We build up all this expectation for a date night -- it's a once-in-a-while thing, we're spending money so it has to be good

2) She can be kind of picky and easily disappointed.

3) I'm always nervous about disappointing her. 

4) She feels rejected easily.

5) I don't assert what I want enough (e.g., "I'd rather not go to the gay pride party, let's walk a little and find another bar, it's a nice night.")

But also, I think there's a thing in our marriage right now where I'm settling into being in my mid 30s in a different way than her. I like quiet and simplicity, I like the fact that I don't feel the pressure to go out and have a wild time. I think she feels like youth is getting away from her and she wants to live it up more.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Not all dates have to be in the evening.

Pick an afternoon and go to a water park, art museum, natural history museum, arboretum, public park to count butterflies. Wade through a river together, holding hands the whole way. There's tons of local fairs going on. Concerts in the park.

The point is, you're making work about having fun. Dance whenever, wherever she wants. In an elevator, grocery store, or even right after breakfast. Hum a silly tune and sway away! And don't care about any looks you're getting from strangers! Chances are, you'd be the highlight of someone else's day just by watching it happen!

Make your own fun. Make her smile and feel special when you just let go and have fun, together.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if your wife does like bars, (and by the way I do), many bars have online webbsites that have calendar's and you can schedule events like karaoke, of some band playing oldies, whatever.

So you don't go to some event that feels weird.

Just as an aside, one time I rode 55 miles to my favorite tavern out in the boonies without checking the calendar, and lo and behold, they were having a 'medical marijuana' festival with rastafarians everywhere and almost all young dudes and gals. wanted a $10.00 entry fee, so I turned her around and headed in a different direction.

I know what you mean.........


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> if your wife does like bars, (and by the way I do), many bars have online webbsites that have calendar's and you can schedule events like karaoke, of some band playing oldies, whatever.
> 
> So you don't go to some event that feels weird.
> 
> ...


Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up | The Onion - America's Finest News Source


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I've been making a point of trying to plan more nights for just the two of us lately since most of our time is work or our daughter. It's expensive -- sometimes the babysitter doubles the cost of a night out, but I've been biting the bullet and doing it anyway.
> 
> But somehow I feel like they're not going right. We have this buzzkilling dynamic we get into, it's definitely both of us. Example -- recently she really wanted to go to this one particular trendy rooftop bar, and I thought that sounded nice -- what could be bad about drinking on a rooftop on a summer night, etc. So we get there and it turns out it's gay pride night or something, and there's a cover charge too. So I kind of hesitated -- I don't think I'm homophobic or anything but that just doesn't sound like the atmosphere I'm gonna feel relaxed in. But she says "well do you have a better idea?" and the fact is I don't, even though we're in a neighborhood with a bunch of places, I just don't know the good spots anymore, plus I'm put on the spot now and I feel like if I choose something that turns out not to be fun, she's going to blame it on me all night.


She punted the ball into your court, you should've done the same.

"I'm fine with whatever you would like sweetheart. If you want to stay let's do it"





John Lee said:


> So we go in, and to be honest it wasn't that crazy, pretty subdued, but at the same time I'm not totally relaxed, because I feel a little out of place. We have a couple drinks, she gets tipsy pretty fast, and now she wants to dance. Now I have no problem dancing -- when other people are dancing. But no one's dancing! And we're at a gay pride party and we're straight. So I just don't feel it. But when I don't want to dance, I feel like she takes it personally. So we leave shortly after, and it's a nice night to walk around, but she gets "tired" all of a sudden and just wants to go home. A bunch of money dropped, not much fun had.


I wouldn't feel completable dancing either to be honest....



John Lee said:


> Some of it might be our age. Some of it might be our choice of activity -- tbh I never liked going to a bar as a solo couple all that much. Bars seem like they're for large group socializing or picking people up. Maybe we need a new activity together. Thoughts?


Bars suck, especially for people in relationships. I think that was the mistake you/her made. That would be the last place I would want to go to (can't really think of a worse place). But we don;t drink and we just HATE drunk people/ or even buzzed....annoying/careless/inconsiderate. BLEH

When she said she was tired, you should've grabbed her hand and say "why don't we walk at the beach".

You did have a back up plan didn't you? <<<<<perhaps that's the problem



When wife and I go out, we enjoy driving, walking/hiking, fishing and mostly anything related to nature. We don't even go out to eat most of the time, if we do it's usually means me bring my weber grill and cooking up some banging food/picnicing etc.

Further from civilization/people we get, more happier we seem to be.

99% of the time, give me my wife in the passanger seat and a nice road and we are golden....but I love to drive, and my wife loves road trips as well.

 

I'm going to suggest pulling up google map of your area and looking for nice roads, parks, state parks, places to go. Explore the area.

We also enjoy doing all of the above with our 4 kids (and they love it too). Win /win for everyone.

IMO, there is NO greater gift than our nature/world we live in. It's free too!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Just as an aside, one time I rode 55 miles to my favorite tavern out in the boonies without checking the calendar, and lo and behold, they were having a 'medical marijuana' festival with rastafarians everywhere and almost all young dudes and gals. wanted a $10.00 entry fee, so I turned her around and headed in a different direction.
> .


That sounds like one time I would make an exception to my hate of bars.



:smthumbup:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> i
> Just as an aside, one time I rode 55 miles to my favorite tavern out in the boonies without checking the calendar, and lo and behold, they were having a 'medical marijuana' festival with rastafarians everywhere and almost all young dudes and gals.
> .


you say that like it is a bad thing!:rofl:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'll add my recommendation to the in-house date.

Due to several factors, my husband and I haven't been out of the house in the evening alone together since our oldest was born 7 years ago. So we have had to be fairly flexible and creative.

We've been having weekly dates at home for the past several years. We get take-away, chat, watch a movie/play a game etc. Sometimes I cook something special, as I like cooking. It's getting a bit harder now that our oldest isn't falling asleep until 9, but it's worked well for the past few years. She is starting to have sleepovers sometimes now, so those are good for longer evenings together.

We also go out during the day sometimes, as babysitting is easier to come by. 

I think if you have more regular date-type evenings, the out of the house ones won't feel so pressured. And also maybe explore other options more. If your wife likes bars etc, find nice quiet funky ones, without dancing etc if you're not comfortable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

over20 said:


> The nice thing of staying in though is that you can start with a movie and can lead to a shower/massage/cooking late night snacks.....I will say it is hard but not impossible....even putting on some jazz music with a bottle of wine and slow dancing with candles switches it up...


We did this too. I loved our staying in dates. It's a great way to get what feels like a romantic time away without the cost of a hotel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee,

Something to consider is to increase the at-home dates. I mean plan them like a date, prepare really good snack food, wine, etc. Do this often.

Then for out of the house dates find things to do that are require more from you both then sitting in a bar. Some ideas:

Check meetup.com and find things that both of you like to do.

Take a class together that requires you two working together like scuba diving or dance. This way your focus is off trying to find things to talk about and more onto collaborating in some activity.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Trouble having fun together lately*



John Lee said:


> I guess thinking about my post more, I see these as the problems:
> 1) We build up all this expectation for a date night -- it's a once-in-a-while thing, we're spending money so it has to be good
> 
> 2) She can be kind of picky and easily disappointed.
> ...


Honestly, my H and I are in a similar dynamic these days and our date nights are hit or miss. 

I think it has a lot more to do with the state of the relationship than what activity you picked for the night. When things are on an upswing between us, we could be anywhere and it would be fun and enjoyable. Location didnt matter. 

The thing that's hard about my relationship is that when I sense we are in "off" period, I feel that I can't address it with my H to clear the air. Part of it is that he's just not wired to confront issues the same way that I am, and part of it is that I don't really know what to say to get the conversation started and he tends to withdraw if he feels like he's disappointed me in some way (which is his gut reaction to any convo about the state of the marraige).

If I were your wife, I would want my H to schedule some alone time for us...doesn't matter where...at home, coffee shop, etc. I would want him to attempt to start a convo with me saying the things I quoted from you above. "I feel like things have been a little off between us lately. Do you feel it too?" And just tell her your points above and emphasize that you love her and that you want to get rid of the tension between you. 

Give her some space to talk if she appears to have something on her mind. Try to repeat back to her what you heard her say to make sure your filter does not get in the way of understanding her intent. (In other words, don't assume that she is blaming you for any wrongdoing or that you've disappointed her if there is something she is unhappy about...she may be unhappy with herself)


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