# Help



## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

Hello I would like to share my story and get some feedback. Sorry but it's kinda long. My husband and I have been married 8 years. On March the 4th he wrote me a letter telling me he wanted a divorce. The main statement was that he loved me just not how he thinks a husband should love his wife. I choose to leave the house to give him space and time to think. We have two kids and it is killing me to be away from them. The last two years of our marriage have been a struggle. I was diagonsed with anxity and depression. I was having panic attacks weelky and went through tons of meds and finally i just gave up. I put all the responsiblty on him. Except for work I did nothing, just came home and slept. We didnt go places didnt do things with the kids. The last few months I have finally found a medication that works no panic attacks no depression. I am on the mend. The boom out of now where comes this divorce. He has said some things that I dont understand. First time we talked he said that he was a man of his word and still ment what he said in the letter. He has told me that since I moved out he is finally happy. The last time we talked it turned into a big fight we have never fought before. He told me that his family wants him to get a divorce if it makes him happy. These are good christian folks church every week and all that it implies.
He has told me that he didnt know if he married me because he fell in love with me or my son. We are going to counceling this week. I just dont know what to do it feels like my whole life has been a lie. If we do work this out how could I stand to be around his family after they told him that. They didnt say stay or try to make it work. Just do what makes you happy with no thought of me or their grandchildren. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks for listining.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Many like to believe that love is a a sort of romantic destiny. An almost supernatural appeal for another person--"True Love". But lifelong relationship takes the choice of both to want to be in the relationship through the good and the bad. Its a sign of emotional maturity to understand what you need out of a marriage, and have the ability to communicate that.

Either he is not telling you what he would need to change for it to work or he genuinely wants out of it. If he won't put the effort to tell you the detailed issues, he has checked out already. 

He seems to have had doubts and those have somehow been re-enforced. Perhaps unfairly by your mental health issues. A lot of marriages are burdened by mental health problems that are not dealt with. You may have done all you can and need to start thinking about your future. 

By all accounts here, moving out only re-enforces the likelihood of the eventual divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why were you the one to move out, if he was unhappy?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

First thing you need to do is move back in to your home PRONTO! Moving out can be viewed as abandonment by the courts.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... You should also do some checking for another woman. The unspoken part of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is "... because I've found someone else"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

PBear the kids are still in school and he is the one that gets hem ready in the morning. I leave earlier than they do. I didn't want to upset the kids routine. Also there is not another woman physcialy but not sure about emotionly, or mentaly. When I asked him if he was going to take the counseling seriously he said that he would, but it may be hard to change where we are or where I am. I said yes thats true but are you willing to try? Still no answer! Theses are texting coversations from this morning.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Go talk to a lawyer ASAP. Be sure to tell him you have left the home - he is going to most likely advise you to move back ASAP - if you want to get custody of your kids.


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## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

My husband told me that if I moved back in then he would leave and get a lawyer the next day. I do not want a divorce. I get the kids every afternoon. I just miss putting them to bed and being with them all the time. I still love him. I just don't know where this is going to go.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Lost414 said:


> My husband told me that if I moved back in then he would leave and get a lawyer the next day. I do not want a divorce. I get the kids every afternoon. I just miss putting them to bed and being with them all the time. I still love him. I just don't know where this is going to go.


Let him get a lawyer.

If he wants to leave the marriage, he gets to leave the house. Just so you know - at this rate you WILL lose your house and kids if this all falls apart regardless.

Move back into the house. Let him do as he pleases.


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## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

So all of you think that I should move back into my home and let him divorce me instead of doing everything I can to save my marriage?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Moving out of your home affects your legal rights in most places. If divorce in imminent, your best bet is to move back in. 

It also usually leads to an end in the marriage. If you are going to reconcile, its best to move back in. 

I agree with others, he wants you out of the house to make space in his life for an affair. If that is true he is keeping you on the back burner while he explores the other relationship.

At this point, I would talk to a lawyer and see what your therapist says, since you are already out, but it is difficult to come up with a reason you should stay out of the family home.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Lost414 said:


> So all of you think that I should move back into my home and let him divorce me instead of doing everything I can to save my marriage?


We think if he wants to divorce you, he'll do so regardless. We think you should know better than succumb to this sort of emotional blackmail "I'll divorce you if you come back to your own home". Also - we really don't think he'll divorce you (we're not sure on this last one however). 

But - what else would you do to stop him from divorcing you, if I may ask? What other rights would you give up? Would you say sign over all your joint assets to him? 

The decision to divorce is his, not yours. This interesting turn of phrase makes it seem like you think it's yours.


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## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

Him wanting the divorce is all my fault, I know this one so trust me. We had an odd conersation last night. He text me and told me to come get our dog, it had scratch one of the kids. I told him that I couldn't take him where I'm staying. So he says I'll get rid of him. I asked him to please calm down that I couldn't take another loss. He replies with I'm pissed, better yet take the d***house. I am completly lost and confused on what he is thinking. I hate this this is not how my life was supposed to turn out.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Daisy2714 said:


> Yes. Move back in. If not, you will lose your kids and your husband. If you do, you MIGHT lose your husband.


The OM's last post makes me feel there's more to this than meets the eye. She needs to come out clean if she wants our help. It's really difficult (and error prone) to give advice when we don't have the facts.


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## Lost414 (Apr 1, 2014)

Caladan what do you by come clean, I told everything. We have been married 8 years last 2 years my sickness took a toll on the relationship and him because I checked out of our life. Depression and anxiety. Tried probaly 20 different medications. i have finally found the correct combination. Over the last 4 months my symptoms have greatly improved. Then on March the 4th he gives me a letter saying that he wants a divorce. That he doesn't love me like he thinks he should love his wife. I left for three days we talked again he says he still feels the same way. So I took all my nessities and left again. We have talked many times face to face and by text. He just keeps saying that he doesn't love me and since I moved out he's happy. I don't know what else to tell you guys this is it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Accept that your marriage is over.

Time to lawyer-up and learn your rights.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Lost414 said:


> Caladan what do you by come clean, I told everything. We have been married 8 years last 2 years my sickness took a toll on the relationship and him because I checked out of our life. Depression and anxiety. Tried probaly 20 different medications. i have finally found the correct combination. Over the last 4 months my symptoms have greatly improved. Then on March the 4th he gives me a letter saying that he wants a divorce. That he doesn't love me like he thinks he should love his wife. I left for three days we talked again he says he still feels the same way. So I took all my nessities and left again. We have talked many times face to face and by text. He just keeps saying that he doesn't love me and since I moved out he's happy. I don't know what else to tell you guys this is it.


I refer to this post:



Lost414 said:


> Him wanting the divorce is all my fault, I know this one so trust me.


If the marriage is over, then move back and sort out the divorce. You seem to think staying away will help things, and I honestly don't see how it will help. 

Here's my question - you say he'll start divorce proceedings if you move back home. So - what happens if you don't? You remain married? How long will you then stay out of the house? Are you both going to have to live in different houses (and possibly see and sleep with different people) just to remain married? I guess I just don't get it.

At the moment, he can file for divorce and you'll lose the house and the kids, in which case your entire sacrifice would be for nothing.


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