# Husband and best friend hate each other, He is making me choose between them!



## DreaP (Oct 12, 2013)

My husband and I are married 2yrs and our relationship started very quickly, We began dating late Nov 09 and I gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 34, He is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to travel when he is in Europe as I think its too much on my son. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me. Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the sh!t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together. 

My husband can come across as standoffish but once you know him hes amazing. He constantly tells me how much he can't stand her, how loud she is and he even put up a fight with me on having her as our sons godmother. She and I don't hang out as much as im mostly gone with him so I don't see her much, My husband is on the road alot and when he is home he likes to spend as much time as he can with my son & I alone. The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was playing with our son, my bff started to claim he was everything wrong with him, Everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should _"relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his addiction to help him cope". _He told her to get the f*ck out and when I stood infront of him I asked him to stop, that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out said *"f*ck you and her!", *Her and I had an arguement about this and I havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do I just cut her out of my life, What do i do?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Your friend is very disrespectful towards your husband, I personally would not allow it and brake ties with her. You married your husband not her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

DreaP said:


> My husband and I are married 2yrs and our relationship started very quickly, We began dating late Nov 09 and I gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 34, He is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to travel when he is in Europe as I think its too much on my son. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me. Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the sh!t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together.
> 
> My husband can come across as standoffish but once you know him hes amazing. He constantly tells me how much he can't stand her, how loud she is and he even put up a fight with me on having her as our sons godmother. She and I don't hang out as much as im mostly gone with him so I don't see her much, My husband is on the road alot and when he is home he likes to spend as much time as he can with my son & I alone. The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was playing with our son, my bff started to claim he was everything wrong with him, Everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should _"relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his addiction to help him cope". _He told her to get the f*ck out and when I stood infront of him I asked him to stop, that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out said *"f*ck you and her!", *Her and I had an arguement about this and I havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do I just cut her out of my life, What do i do?


This was the wrong thing to do. The things she said to him were so far across the line that you should have been in her face too, not defending her. It's completely ridiculous that you would tolerate this kind of behavior to your husband at all, and if you think you're going to be able to keep both of these people in your life you need to think again. 

The next time you contact this person it should be to tell her that she has made herself unwelcome in your life and to not contact you again.


----------



## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

DreaP said:


> My husband and I are married 2yrs and our relationship started very quickly, We began dating late Nov 09 and I gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 34, He is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to travel when he is in Europe as I think its too much on my son. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me. Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the sh!t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together.
> 
> My husband can come across as standoffish but once you know him hes amazing. He constantly tells me how much he can't stand her, how loud she is and he even put up a fight with me on having her as our sons godmother. She and I don't hang out as much as im mostly gone with him so I don't see her much, My husband is on the road alot and when he is home he likes to spend as much time as he can with my son & I alone. The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was playing with our son, my bff started to claim he was everything wrong with him, Everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should _"relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his addiction to help him cope". _He told her to get the f*ck out and when I stood infront of him I asked him to stop, that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out said *"f*ck you and her!", *Her and I had an arguement about this and I havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do I just cut her out of my life, What do i do?


Best friend since 9 or not, you need to cut her out of your life until she grows up and respects the choices you made. It's obvious you and your husband care about each other very very much and she should be happy for you instead of raining on your parade. You should sit her down and tell her that by disrespecting your husband she is essentially disrespecting you. Gas lighting your husband as she is doing is terrible.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I have never been in a situation like this, but some things seem pretty clear. Your husband is trying to keep his life in order by making his family and his career his priorities. I've also never been addicted to anything, but I can imagine that stability in his life is essential. That being said he can't afford to have her around upsetting the apple cart.

As for your friend, the fact that you two have been best friends that long is very special. But, while you are growing up and starting a family she is still very immature, by the sounds of it. She's not crazy about your husband, but that's not enough. She HAS to take every opportunity to needle him, and provoke him. All for what? The sake of getting a reaction? Very immature behavior.

You need to sit down with your friend and explain that this cannot go on. If they cannot find a way to get along, mostly by her not trying to constantly get under his skin, she is the one who has to be cut out of your life. Doesn't she realize what all that yelling in front of your son, or does she just not care, as long as she gets to your husband? Now, is he being a bit thin skinned? Perhaps. I don't know everything she's saying to / about him. But, fault is going to lie predominately with her. Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

DreaP said:


> She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me.


That's not a joke. It's a mean thing to say. Two people who are very close, such as you and your husband might be able to tease each other like that. Your girlfriend was simply being passive-aggressive in trying to communicate to your husband that he wasn't welcome.



> The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was playing with our son, my bff started to claim he was everything wrong with him, Everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should _"relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his addiction to help him cope". _


Again, your BFF knows how to cruelly push his buttons. Bringing up his addiction was hitting below the belt. I applaud your husband for his restraint in dealing with her.



> I feel like im caught in the middle, Do I just cut her out of my life, What do i do?


Your girlfriend is extremely disrespectful to your husband. By continuing to associate with her, you are participating in the disrespect. Your husband is being perfectly reasonable in not wanting you to associate with a woman who is toxic to your marriage.

If you want to give your girlfriend one last chance, I would invite her over to meet with you and your husband. When she is there, I would tell her that you are committed to your husband for life. That, if she forces you to choose between her or your husband, you will choose your husband. And, that, if she wants to continue to be friends with you, she must never again attack your husband. If she makes any more comments like the ones you have described, that you will kick her out of your life permanently. I think your husband would appreciate that.

Good luck.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I can't imagine how hurt your husband must feel, that you continue to see her. If she was really your friend she would respect your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sorry, but your best friend is being a real b-tch


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Short answer, she's a toxic friend.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Your friend is just going out of her way to cause trouble.
Your husband knows he will always be a recovering
addict and dosen't need to be reminded.

You married him and not your friend.She needs to keep
her mouth shut with negative digs towards your husband.

How would you feel if one of his friends,did this to you.
Possibly sounds like your friend is envious of your new
life or wants to split you both up.

She's acting more like she was your mother.No wonder 
your husband dosen't like her.


----------



## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

With ´friends´ like these who needs enemies!

It sounds as thought your best friend is jealous. You have made a life for yourself: married with a son yet she probably resents that and the time you are on the road with them (my guess is that she is single?). My bet is she misses you and this is her way of showing it. A shame really as she is going to lose you too. I think she was very disrespectful towards your husband and you should tell her she was way out of line. I agree with other posters here and think she is a toxic friend. If she really loved and respected you as your best friend, she´d be happy for you and your family. 

It´s time to give her the ultimatum and/or break ties with her before this hurts you and your family more.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

The advice you are getting is spot on. The only thing I'll add is an experience I had. When I first got married my wife's best bud from high school still thought she should come first. We had a gathering at our house and she was acting rude towards me and looking at me funny. When the event was over I told my wife that her friend was no longer welcome in our home. I never saw or heard from her again and that was twelve years ago. My wife dropped her like a bad habit. Why should your husband have to tolerate being disrespected by your friend in his own home?


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Why did you not defend your husband?

How would you feel if he let his best friend treat you like sh*t and did not stand up for you? This is not the first time she has acted this way.

He is your child's father and he was playing with your child. How would you feel if your husband chose his toxic friend over you? 

You should value your marriage and your family over your friend.

I would go NC with the friend. What she did was not right.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry but your friend sounds toxic.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you have said, you have a good husband. It's up to you to protect your marriage from those who are not friendly to it.

Your BFF does not respect you. If she did, she would not be causing trouble in your marriage.

The only friends either of you should have are those who are friends of your marriage. 

Stop sticking up for the "BFF" who only wants to destroy your marriage and insult you. Yes insulting your choice of a man is insulting you.

Dump the friend. Keep the good husband.


----------



## DreaP (Oct 12, 2013)

Thanks for the advice guys, I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc. 

I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His cursing at you was not good. But your belligerence to your husband, after your BFF verbally attacking him is more of a transgression than his words in anger.

Your friend is not supporting you. She wants your marriage to end. She wants you to be a single mother who has to get a job to support yourself. She wants you hurt. You have a pretty good life. She wants to destroy that.

About you traveling to Europe with your son. How is that hard on him? I traveled all over the world with my parents. I loved it. Would not have wanted it any other way.

You can even home school him during traveling. Most school districts have online programs that an be done from anywhere.

One of my nieces has gone on tour through junior high and high school. That's how she kept up with high school.


----------



## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

DreaP

Your best friend wants you all to herself. She might *be there* for you but her intentions in this respect are based on selfish need, not the bigger picture of you now married with a child. That's grown up stuff.

If she were clever, she'd make an ally of your husband, not an enemy. What real respect does she have for your marriage by putting your husband down?

I understand it's difficult being *in the middle* but if it were your husband's best friend belittling you, I'm sure you'd be feeling incredibly hurt if the boot were on the other foot.

If you friend wants to be in your life, perhaps she could have the grace to make amends with your husband in an adult way. She's putting you in a difficult situation when she could have played this with a lot more class and intelligence.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DreaP said:


> My husband and I are married 2yrs and our relationship started very quickly, We began dating late Nov 09 and I gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 34, He is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to travel when he is in Europe as I think its too much on my son. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me. Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the sh!t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together.
> 
> My husband can come across as standoffish but once you know him hes amazing. He constantly tells me how much he can't stand her, how loud she is and he even put up a fight with me on having her as our sons godmother. She and I don't hang out as much as im mostly gone with him so I don't see her much, My husband is on the road alot and when he is home he likes to spend as much time as he can with my son & I alone. The other day when she was over so was my MIL and my hubby was playing with our son, my bff started to claim he was everything wrong with him, Everything came to a head and she & my husband started shouting at each other, my MIL took our son, She started saying that he should _"relax because we didn't want him to relapse into his addiction to help him cope". _He told her to get the f*ck out and when I stood infront of him I asked him to stop, that they should calm down he just looked at me and while walking out said *"f*ck you and her!", *Her and I had an arguement about this and I havent spoken to her since. That night my husband and I both apologized and he told me again that he cant bare the sight of her, That he doesn't want her in the house when he is there or have her anywhere near him or our son. I feel like im caught in the middle, Do I just cut her out of my life, What do i do?


This does not seem like a close call at all. Time to put your big girl pants on and be married. She is a toxic friend by all your accounts. You have a child with him so you need to choose him. 

Ler her go. She is an enemy of the marriage and she is not a marriage friendly friend anyway.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DreaP said:


> Thanks for the advice guys, I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc.
> 
> I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


All of this is irrelevent. You need to cut tiese with her, even when he is not around. 

Life is hard sweetie. Suck it up. Time to do some growing up.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yeah let her go...she is not a friend of your marriage.

Your husband cursed at you because you disrespected him and humiliated him probably. He may not have handled it perfectly but girl... you really effed up!
You should have had his back... what a low blow to bring up his previous addiction. She's a right b!tch. If my friend had done that I would have told her to leave myself.

Being married is all about being a team.
You let the team down.... for what??
This 'wild' friend from your past.

Your present and future are with your hubby and your child......

I think you owe your husband an apology. A heartfelt one.


----------



## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

I doesn't sound like "she has always been there for you" a true friend would not disrespect you and your husband like that. She sounds jealous and vindictive and wants to break up your family. That's truly not a good friend. Would you say and do that to her husband/boyfriend?


----------



## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

You are married to your husband, not your best friend. You had a child with your husband, not your best friend. Best friends, good friends, etc., do not treat their friend's husband so disrespectfully. It sounds like your husband is really trying to be a good husband. You have a life with him and your son. Go with it.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

DreaP said:


> Thanks for the advice guys, I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc.
> 
> I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


If you don't want to cut this friend out of your life, then you need to sit down and have a very clear, firm talk with her about how the way she behaves toward your husband. You need to make it clear to her that if she wants to keep your friendship, she's going to have to accept your husband and stop trying to screw things up for you. I am concerned that you protected your friend first before your husband, and that even here, with this thread, you're framing this as something your husband is doing wrong rather than your friend. I can understand how with such a long, deep friendship, you don't want to just cut her off, but your husband and son always have to come before your friends. Honestly, I'm not sure why you would insist on a godmother that your husband objected to, and I think in the future you need to consider him more in decisions like that.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

One more thing I'll add. If for some reason you are thinking about choosing your friend over your husband. Please know that when she finds someone and gets married she would put her husband's needs over you. Its a part of life. Spouses don't put each other first because they have to or feel forced to. They do it because they love and respect their spouse more than anyone else.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

DreaP said:


> Thanks for the advice guys, I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc.
> 
> I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


Really!!!!!!!:scratchhead:

its simple if you don't start putting your family before your toxic friend then you might not have a family in the long run.

IMHO you should be so mad at your friend for what she said that there should be no problem avoiding her. you will make new friends. but I would pick my friends more wisely. souround yourself with quality people and you will have a better life.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DreaP said:


> Thanks for the advice guys,* I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc. *
> 
> I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


If you feel that way, why didn't you have your friend approve of him before you started f%cking him.

At this point he has a much greater investment in the relationship with you and than your friend does.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DreaP said:


> We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, *She kept joking that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me.* Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met


How does a guy get a woman pregnant to keep her? Were you on birth control? Did he force you to not take it? Or did he force sex on you?


----------



## SunnyG (Oct 13, 2013)

Always side with the man you love!


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Toxic friends are not needed.

Does not matter how long you were friends. Your life has changed her's has not. The two of you are no longer a good fit.

She is an enemy to your marriage, your child's father, your family, your husband.

Time to dump the bee itch.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Op, your friend is no such thing any more. You've been friends for a long time, but obviously, you have outgrown the type of friendship that she has to offer. She is not respecting you nor your marriage to your husband and appears to be trying to drive a wedge between you and him. 

He should not have cursed at you, but he probably felt like he was thrown under the bus because you did not defend him from your friend's venom. I know that I would have felt upset if my wife acted as if the friend was more important. If I had a friend who was that caustic about my relationship with my wife, they'd have been an ex friend the first time they said or did anything as disrespectful as your "friend" has. 

Time to re-prioritize and make some new friends, for your sake and the sake of your marriage.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks". Hamlet, W Shakespeare. 

Get rid of the friend. She doesn't dislike your husband. Quite the opposite, she wants him. 

Even if I am wrong, she is a threat to your marriage. If he has a problem with her then so do you. You and your husband are on the same team, you parent your child, support each other, meet each other's needs. Where do friends fit in? 

They are not part of your special team and when they interfere, they are out. I think if you look at your marriage as an exclusive partnership, you will never be confused about who gets your loyalty and support first. 

There will be times you will disagree but have regard for his feelings as you would like him to have for yours. Think about it and see if you can see your way clear to acting on this on in a new way. 

Talk to your husband and let him know you regret any disrespect and that you have reconsidered, if indeed you have.


----------



## DreaP (Oct 12, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Get rid of the friend. She doesn't dislike your husband. Quite the opposite, she wants him.


Could I ask you to explain this to me as I find that quite interesting as she never seemed to like him since they first met!?


----------



## BLACKSCORPIO (Aug 8, 2013)

DreaP said:


> Could I ask you to explain this to me as I find that quite interesting as she never seemed to like him since they first met!?


I had a friend who was just like yours. She hated my boyfriend who has now been my husband for over 10 years. She would say little sly remarks about him and she was generally a b1tch.

It wasnt until other freinds pointed out to me that she was jealous of me and my husband,. I finally found a good guy and she had nothing.

Being single and wild have their time in our lives, but as we grow older we want a committed relationship and that is what you have. She really is not happy being single


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

DreaP said:


> Could I ask you to explain this to me as I find that quite interesting as she never seemed to like him since they first met!?


In my opinion she may not want him specifically but she does want what he represents for herself. I hate to make posts that potentially draw things along gender lines, but the reality is a lot of women lose so called friends when they get married. Misery loves company. If they're not happy why should you be? If she was really your friend she'd be happy you found someone. Instead she wants to tear you guys apart. Do you really want to give up the father of your child for her?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drea she expends a lot of energy working against him. Why? I don't know but what are the possibilities? Why is she deliberately making trouble between you and your husband. 

I can't imagine why your friend is so invested in seeing you D and disrupting your child's life. That's not a friend, that is a poacher or interloper. Maybe she wanted him to choose her. 

Maybe she wanted to travel and have the child. Maybe she is not so happy on the party scene and wants her buddy back.

I don't really know but I can't figure out why a friend would do this to someone she is supposed to care about. It is selfish of her not to support you. Would you do the same to her? 

On that basis alone, I think you should drop her. She does not support the most important relationship in your life.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you feel you should side with your BFF(?) against your husband, perhaps you should dump him and marry her. It's the "in thing" to do now days.


----------



## DreaP (Oct 12, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> In my opinion she may not want him specifically but *she does want what he represents for herself.*


I would love to know what you mean by that if you don't mind?


I am starting to get a feeling that maybe she_ is/was _attracted to him!??


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DreaP said:


> I would love to know what you mean by that if you don't mind?
> 
> 
> I am starting to get a feeling that maybe she_ is/was _attracted to him!??


The fact that you did not even consider this possibility shows that you have a good heart. You may be too trusting. 

Don't lose your sense of trust and loyalty but give it to people who give the same to you. Be a little less trusting of what people say and notice what they do. A true friend would be cheering you on not making you and your husband go to the brink.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drea if you decide to distance yourself, I'd advise you to think of a non dramatic way to do it. It is probably better not to tell her what you suspect. If you know the same people, that may create more problems. 

Perhaps you and your husband can come up with an approach. Make this something you and your husband do as a team. If there are mutual friends, family, booking agents etc, you don't want this spilling out into those associations.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

DreaP said:


> My husband and I are married 2yrs and our relationship started very quickly, We began dating late Nov 09 and I gave birth to our first child 11 months later, I completely messed up on my BC. Im 26 and my husband is 34, He is a touring musician and our son & I go with him as much as we can, I tend not to travel when he is in Europe as I think its too much on my son. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9yo and she is like a sister to me, We were both known for our wild ways back when I was single and she is pretty much still the same. The first time she & my husband met they could not see eye to eye on anything, She kept _joking_ that I could have done better than him and that he purposely got me pregnant to keep me. *Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths before we met. He always says that he doesn't know how he got so lucky in life after all the sh!t he done and that our son and I give his life meaning and that we keep him together. *


Aside from the friend issue, are you also involved in AL ANON?
I ask because what your husband has said about his recovery seems overwhelming, that he's putting his reason for his recovery on you & your son.
That's a lot of pressure, whether you realize it or not.
It's great that he has a family with you, but his sole reason for staying sober should be for himself, first & foremost.
One does not stay sober because of others, his sobriety is not your responsibility.
It's his & his alone. 

As for your friend, people grow apart, friends do as well.
She very well could resent the life you have & as such is lashing out at the very person who is the cause of the new life you have.
Let her know that your first loyalty is to your husband, that because of her & the way she treated him, you two can no longer be friends.
You don't even have to say he doesn't want you to be friends with her, tell her the truth, that her ugliness caused the end of your friendship & her inability to accept that you have moved on with your life.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Why is this even a question?
You see your friend is passive aggressive toward your husband and you say nothing. How would you feel if a friend of his said that YOU got pregnant to catch him, coz he can do better ? Eh? And how would you feel if he said and did nothing ? That was very far from a joke. It was your friend's disdain for your husband and is very insulting.

What is more important to you: this marriage, or this friendship? Do you think when your friend will get married, she will put you above her husband? I doubt...

As for the screaming incident. You should have taken your husband's side and tell the girl to get out. 
It is no brainer what you should do. IF you value your husband.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

DreaP

If she's your best friend, then let me tell you that your best friend would never do what she did. You let her insult and disrespect your husband in his home. Big time mistake. This is not a best friend. 

I had a similar problem a long time ago with my first wife. Her best friend was visiting along with another couple and she started making unkind, rude comments to me. To make matters worse, my wife not only did nothing about it but laughed and thought it was funny. I held my tongue until the other couple left then I turned my attention to my wife and her friend. 

I handed her friend her purse and escorted her to the door and threw her out but no before telling her that she was not welcome in my home and for her to take her skinny ass and big mouth and leave. My wife was so pissed at me that she told me that she was leaving because I was ignorant to her friend.

I grabbed her suitcases and told her to pack and she left. I didn't hear from her for three days. When she called and said that she wanted to come back, I told her I wasn't ready and hung up and the next day, took two boxes of clothes to her girlfriends house where she was staying, knocked on the door and left. 

After a week, she called and begged to come back and I told her that she could but things were different between us for the rest of the marriage. I lost a ton of respect for her and kept her at arms length for the rest of the time we remained married. Don't let this happen to you because he may forgive but not forget.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Some say that your BFF is secretly attracted to your H, but I don't think so, and I saw this type of situation too close to home.

My sister had a BFF, but then the BFF got married and my sister DEEPLY resented it. Any chance she got, she would constantly put them BOTH down, saying that the H was a deadbeat and was irresponsible. And her BFF now had "brains in her a**" for having kids with this loser and giving up her freedom.

Turns out, my sister was mad as hell that she lost her "wingman". Her BFF was no longer available for single party-girl debauchery, so she hated her for it and blamed the "loser" for stealing her wingman.

The saddest part is, that was TWENTY YEARS AGO, and my sis (who still tries to act like she's a teenager) is still calling the BFF, wanting to go out pub-crawling, then slams the phone down, calling her BFF and H every name in the book for declining. Hmmm... guess the successful business that they built from nothing, the 2 straight-A honor students they raised and the beautiful 4-bedroom house should NOT have gotten in between my sister and her BFF.

In short, it sounds like your BFF is EXTREMELY resentful of the fact that you can't go out clubbing with her anymore.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh, and if you do have a serious heart-to-heart with your BFF, get ready for her to start accusing your H of "brainwashing" you and trying to isolate you from your friends and family, the way all abusers do.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

DreaP said:


> I would love to know what you mean by that if you don't mind?
> 
> 
> I am starting to get a feeling that maybe she_ is/was _attracted to him!??



I can't say that she is attracted to him. You haven't said anything that indicates that. What I can tell you is that my wife had friends that were envious of her when we got married. 

She only had one friend that was downright bitter, but as I said in my previous post my wife cut her off. However, her other friends that hadn't found Mr.Right would also make comments that they were jealous that she had all of her boxes checked (husband, kids, financial security). In my opinion if your friend had a husband and child too she would probably be happy for you instead of trying to disrupt everything.

Either way it really doesn't matter if she is attracted to him or not. If she is going to continue to treat him like crap you can't keep her as a friend. How would you react if one of your husband's band mates felt comfortable enough to disrespect you in your own home? Taking it a step further. What if your husband just let it happen and didn't defend you?


----------



## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

DreaP, 
I have been in the same sort of situation (with my wife) and I know how your husband is feeling right now and I can say it doesn't feel real good. If he's like me you are number 1 and if it came down to it he would die for you. It suck when your husband feels like he's not number to you and if he is he is sharing that spot with your BFF and for your marriage to survive and thrive you need to really wake up and realize where your bread is buttered (so to speak).


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A long time family friend from childhood, and she and I shared an apartment for 2 years at university......... surprised us by marrying on the rebound. 

I think it was pretty accurate to say that our friend's mother was not happy with her daughter's choice --and for petty reasons, skincolor and they're both black.

But my sister just had to keep hammering away at it with her smirky smirk smirk routine "and how do YOU like your new son in law."

Apparently, the husband caught wind of this attitude and after 25 years of marriage, my sister was told or figured out that she was never to be a guest in their home.

OH dear, I said, I've been a guest in their home on two occasions and for multiple nights....... so my sister can't say, "well that's just the way he is."

But my sister who likes to stay in other people's business simply shrugs "his loss. He must be a very sad person."

I am always amused at the use of the same script that justifies people's rude and unnecessary behavior.


----------



## DreaP (Oct 12, 2013)

After all these replies my mind is taking me back to the first time I ever noticed my husband a week before he approached me, we were at a bar and he was messing around with a guitar with a friend of his, My friend mentioned that he was 'hot' and during the night my cousin said in passing to me that my friend was a "little pissed off that that guy blew her off".

I never thought of that again, because it was never brought up until last night. My head is so confused right now. I have asked her to come over on Wednesday when my husband is out of town to have a talk with her, Should I bring this up? :scratchhead:


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

That seems like a total red herring. Whether she thinks your husband is attractive is beside the point -- we all have been in the position of thinking a friend's partner is attractive, and that doesn't mean we acted on it in any way. I seriously doubt she's actively plotting to split you two up so she can steal him. The point is that she's acting in a way that's harmful to your relationship - that's what you need to address, not whether she thinks your guy is hot.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

DreaP said:


> My head is so confused right now. I have asked her to come over on Wednesday when my husband is out of town to have a talk with her, Should I bring this up? :scratchhead:


I wouldn't. Her motivations are, ultimately, inconsequential. It doesn't matter WHY she's toxic. It only matters that she's toxic. By keeping people around you who are toxic to your marriage, you are putting your marriage and your family at risk.

Is being around your oldest friend worth your child splitting his time between your place and your ex-husband's place? Is it worth putting your child at higher risk for dropping out of school, joining a gang, being incarcerated, becoming a teenage parent, using drugs and alcohol early, and any of a host of other undesirable outcomes? I would think not. I would think that you should put the well being of your child and your husband above the comfort you feel from hanging out with an old friend.

Good luck.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

oh dear. If you have an open honest discussion with her, she's going to deny everything and then spread it around your friends in a way that makes you look bad. I would just quietly freeze her out. Maybe see her when hour H is on the road.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Why would you disrespect your husband and have anything to do with her?

Why meet with her behind his back? Do you care at all about your husband?

Get her out of your life. Cancel the meeting with her. Do not have her in your home and your life, if she does not respect your husband and tell him she is sorry.

Your marriage should be your priority. Why do you not have your husband's back? Stop disrespecting your husband. If it were you, you would want him to put you first over some supposed toxic friend.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

DreaP said:


> After all these replies my mind is taking me back to the first time I ever noticed my husband a week before he approached me, we were at a bar and he was messing around with a guitar with a friend of his, My friend mentioned that he was 'hot' and during the night my cousin said in passing to me that my friend was a "little pissed off that that guy blew her off".
> 
> I never thought of that again, because it was never brought up until last night. My head is so confused right now. I have asked her to come over on Wednesday when my husband is out of town to have a talk with her, Should I bring this up? :scratchhead:


You are not listening. Either ditch the friend or the H. If you continue to see her when he is out of town he will resent you for it. She is a bad friend. You are not listening. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It is too late for that. She has ruined that chance and you gave her more strength and power to do so by not standing up to her. You are going to talk with her you say...and say what? You need to be nice to my H, blah blah blah. Too little too late. She will pretend to understand and do what she wants eventually. Either way, after saying what she did to your H, anytime you spend with her is hurting him and making him feel less important to you. If she had said that to me, and I found out my W was still contacting her and setting up time with her when I was out of town, I would pack my W's bags and kick her out. I was hopeful you would get the hint, now I am more hopeful your H protects himself and distances himself from you to teach you a lesson.
If I am thinking this way from reading these posts, how badly do you think he felt when you did not stand up for him. Realize you deserved to be told off that night. You asked for it, by bringing this cancer into your marriage. Now you are further trying to keep everything you want. Selfish is not attractive and there is little room for selfish in a marriage. Keep it up and you will have all the time with her you wish.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DreaP said:


> Thanks for the advice guys, I hear what you are all saying and I understand that she isn't good to have around right now but its just really hard to think of cutting her out of my life when she has always been there for me and is there for me when my husband is out of the country etc.
> 
> I know it sounds ridiculous but it still kind of hurts me that my husband cursed at me like that.


This last sentence says so much about you. Your best friend attacked your husband in front of you, he defended himself, and then you defended your friend. 

But you are more concerned about how he hurt your feelings, then about how your hurt him.

To top it off, you are worried about your friend's motivations and hurt that she may have a secret attraction to him, so you want to talk to her in private.

Little or no concern about your marriage or your husband, but a huge effort directed at your friend. 

You are sending a very clear message as to who is in important, and who is not. You need to fix that.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

DreaP said:


> I have asked her to come over on Wednesday when my husband is out of town to have a talk with her, Should I bring this up? :scratchhead:


What is there to bring up? Your friend is a tumor on your marriage. You need to have it removed. Do not let it spread cancer to your marriage.

As you are a wife, you need to stand by your husband. Your friend disrespected him. By allowing her to disrespect him and by going to "talk it out with her", you are disrespecting your husband. Toxic friends will ruin marriages. What is more important to you? Your friend or your husband?


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you decide to see your friend on Wednesday my suggestion to you is to let her know that your husband comes first and always will come first and she owes him an apology for her inappropriate comments. 

My closest friends knew my first wife and there wasn't one of them who liked her for good reason but none of them ever said anything ugly or rude to her for respect to me. It was after we divorced that they let it rip and I let them. 

All in all if she's going to be in your life, sooner or later it will start to rip into your marriage. You have to ask yourself if it's worth it. I mean it already has with this last incident. Don't let it happen.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Drea...oh man.

Last year I finally dumped a close friend of 4 years. We had similar interestes; she was single and financially struggling. We were too. She was the pal to whom I dumped and vented, the one who always said I could do better than to have a 'damaged' husband who was mean (that's the nice version of what she said.)

I wondered why, for four years, my husband would get passive-aggressive after I spent time with her, or after she came over. The last time she came over was a week after we'd given (not lent) her some money to pay bills. While she was here, she insulted my husband to his face, was patronizing to him, insinuated that he didn't please me sexually, then told my kids that one day I would be able to give them more.

I kicked her out then. For four years, I damaged my marriage by allowing her to fester like an infected wound. Sadly, I was so arrogant that it took her insulting me to my kids for me to see how she caused a schism in my marriage. I wasn't spending my life with her; I'm spending it with the man who has my back, is my best friend and holds my head while I puke. 

She is currently furniture in my mind, bad-mouthing me publicly on her blog and has just married a rich guy. (She thanks LOA for her gold-digging skills).

Don't be me. It sucked.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Drea, I hope you're taking in that it's unanimous that she's a threat to your marriage and almost unanimous that she has to go.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does this sound familiar? 
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 

You grew up and your priorities are different than your BFF from your single days. Your friend represents a time in your life that you've outgrown. 

My suggestion is to let it die a natural death. Don't contact her, don't hang out with her and don't invite her over. The less drama the better. Why tell her anything?

When she contacts you, be pleasant but cut it short. She will eventually get the message. If she ask what is happening, tell her the truth. You are a wife and mother now and that takes a lot of your time. 

That's what should have happened yrs. ago. Take your new free time to make new friends with interest that you share.


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Get your priorities straight. I had a supposed bff that was toxic to my marriage. I didn't see it at the time. But she helped push me out the door so to speak when I left my H. When I came crawling back, begging my H to let me come home, one of the stipulations was that she was no longer in our lives. At the time, I still didn't see her as a problem to our marriage but he did and it took me less than a split second to agree to his "demands". I dropped her quicker than a hot potato and only after she was gone did I see just how right he was about her affect on me and our marriage. PRIORITIES! Whether you see her as toxic or not, and I think by now you do, if your H says she's gone, she needs to be gone. Not just laying low while he's in town, but GONE permanently. 

And coming from someone who has battled a drug addiction and has now been clean 8+ years, I can say that a comment like the one she made is exceptionally painful. The fact that you didn't kick her out immediately and instead defended her, hurt your husband so much more than you can ever understand!


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of mine, M, was telling me how she had to get rid of a friend..... someone I know as well, N, who I had always thought was kind of selfish. I don't know why M persevered with the friendship but she admitted to me that N was effectively treating her as if she were a single woman with no kids, ie

last minute invitations,
expecting M to meet her in her neighborhood;
M does a very good job of sourcing free tickets to events around the city, but she told me that N insisted on going to other events that cost....... and N was too good for the cheap price tickets, I backed out of one of those events;
plus I am suspicious of people who have vague phobias that always seem to inconvenience me, all three of us once talked about seeing a West End play, M and I were ready to buy the cheap price balcony and N just had to sit in dress circle. I passed on the outing.

You really do need friends who respect your situation: timewise; moneywise, responsibility wise........


----------

