# My Wife's Raging is Destroying Our Marriage-Part 2



## rolander (Sep 25, 2015)

Thanks to all who responded to my first post. I found everything very helpful. I wanted to update everyone. First of all, for those who didn't see my first posting, here it is:

"I am a male 63. I was severely abused as a child growing up at home and took care of a drug addicted Mother for many years until she commited suicide. Because of this history, I was codependent for many years and was a people-pleaser. I always attracted emotionally unavailable women who used me. I was married twice to women like this until I got into codependence recovery almost 7 years ago. I also am active in Adult Children of Alcoholics. After being in recovery for 3 years, I thought I was healthy enough to be in another relationship. I knew my triggers and believed that I had discovered who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. I became involved with a woman that I had known for many years. She was going through a divorce from a man who was abusive to her for 26 years. He was also a flaming alcoholic. 

I helped to support her during this time emotionally until she was divorced. She was working as a Dental Assistant. My income level is considerably greater than hers. We dated and lived together for about 2 years and then married about 2 years ago. Before we were married I noticed that she had somewhat of a chip on her shoulder about how she thought she was treated unfairly her whole life and deserved more. She also raged occasionally. I told her at the time that I couldn't live with anyone who raged because it triggered me and took me back to my childhood where I had to deal with that daily from my parents. She promised not to do it again and was successful until about 1 year into our marriage. The frequency began increasing after she decided to quit her job that she hated. I asked her if she would take care of me while I was recovering from major back surgery about 14 months ago. She helped me for 6 weeks until I could get back to work again. I encouraged her to look and take her time to find what she might want to do with her life. She decided to study and pass a real estate exam to become a broker. I had done something similar the year before to help her and she had gone back to school but dropped out. She has made no attempt to find work as a real estate agent and continues to have me support both her and her daughter. I have never complained about this and have always given her a good allowance and I do not try to control her (part of my codependence recovery). However, her unhappiness with me and her life has continued to deteriorate over the past year. She has made no attempt to find a job and I have not pressured her about it. She has a money spending problem that I have bailed her out of 3 times now. The last time I made her promise to let me see her credit card balances whenever I wanted in order to make sure that she wasn't carrying a balance as per our agreement. I never asked to see them until a month ago. She refused to let me see. I could read between the lines on that but said nothing about it. Her raging has started to increased a lot (4 times in the last month). Each time I told her about the boundary that I had set with her a year earlier. She said she was sorry but that didn't stop it from happening. She has also started to drink after she rages and has gotten drunk on some of these occasions. 

Last Thursday night I came home from my ACA meeting and told her this incredibly beautiful story that one of the women at the meeting had shared. Instead of enjoying it with me, she proceeded to accuse me of going to these meetings in order to meet women. This was unbelievable to me since I have never been unfaithful to her or anyone in this manner in my life. It was the farthest thing from my mind to prey on these vulnerable people that attend these meetings. I have always been affectionate and loving toward her. She proceeded to give me the silent treatment and wouldn't speak with me for the rest of the night and Friday. 

On Saturday morning when she was sitting at the kitchen table she started raging at me about the Thursday night incident and wouldn't stop. She also told me that she didn't trust me and that I didn't do enough for her which really blew me away. I take care of the house, dishes, yardwork, animals, you name it and of course I pay for everything. I couldn't believe that she was saying this. She left the room and came back a few minutes later and continued to rage. This time her daughter had gotten up and she raged at her too. She then got the bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator that we were going to toast our 2nd anniversary with and opened it and drank it. She came back in and raged some more. I did nothing except try to reason with her not raising my voice but she wouldn't have any of it. She has alienated all of her friends over the past year because they have all "let her down". I finally left and came back later which is what I started doing when she rages. I didn't attempt to discuss it with her until this past Tuesday and she was totally unreceptive. Everything was my fault or someone else's fault. she wouldn't take responsibility for anything. I told her that I had set a boundary about raging but all she did was tell me that she was going to rage and what was I going to do about it? I told her that I didn't know. Her daughter stood up for her and said that she and her Father used to get into knock down drag out fights all the time they were married and that was the way she handled everything, by raging. I told both of them that this was not acceptable in our house. Nothing was resolved. She knows how much this has upset me and is currently doing what she always does, damage control and treats me very nice until it happens again. I am starting to believe that she has a form of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She really seems to fit the symptoms. She won't do anything about it because it isn't her problem. I can't begin to say how frustrating this has been for me. I am at the end of my rope. I even made an apt with an attorney to find out what my options are. Am I doing the right thing?
One thing that I didn't mention when I was stating what happened during her last raging episode was that when I left and came back later (6 PM) she was leaving in her car and was all dressed up. I was able to get her to stop. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she was going out dancing at this nightclub bar that I had heard some time ago was a "meat" market. This really shook me up because I thought the original reason for her anger toward me was that I had told her about a beautiful story that someone from my ACA group had told. She accused me of wanting to go to meetings to pick up women even though I believe that she knew this was not true. Why would she engage in the same behavior that she was accusing me of doing? This was especially hurtful in light of the fact that we had been sexually intimate at least 4 times during that week in which it occurred. I remember about 6 months earlier she told me that she wanted to make love more often. When she told me this, I began to attempt to seduce her and make love every day from that point on. Interestingly, she was the one that was doing all of the rejecting of me after I started to do this. 

I did see an attorney and I know where I stand with that. It is just a matter of making a decision about everything now."
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Back to the current situation: My wife would never apologize for anything and still insists that she never said any of those things mentioned above. I had scheduled to file for divorce about three weeks ago because she would not talk about it. On the last night before, she finally agreed to speak to me. She got me to agree to joint counseling which we have been doing with little or no effect at this point. Everything always comes back to me. She can act like the perfect victim making me the bad guy even though it is not true. I have developed some extreme anxiety and my stomach problems have gotten so bad that I have to sleep sitting up in a recliner. I am getting an endoscopy on Wednesday because the Doc thinks there is probably something wrong. No responsibility has been taken for anything. Interestingly, now, with her lack of pursuit of anything in the real estate area, instead of going back to work as she promised, she now wants to go back to school to get a degree in Psychology. I finally told her two days ago that I needed to separate because of all of my anxiety and physical symptoms. She expected me to move out of my own home that I bought and paid for myself. Needless to say, we are still together with her daughter who hates me and supports her. She is very angry at me now which triggers my abandonment issues. Yes, I am pretty messed up right now and not thinking as clearly as I would like. There have been instances where I have been able to take my power back on some of these issues which has helped me. I have really come to believe that I need some help of my own. I believe that I will likely file for divorce next week asking her to move out and then continue getting help with this anxiety that I'm sure will fade as all of this gells into fruition. I'm not as weak about everything as I was and I hope this continues. Sometimes I have really felt like a wuss. It is really hard for me to get really angry like I know I need to and I don't like hurting people's feelings but I am not willing to sacrifice my own life for this. Any advice or words of wisdom for me about this?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Don't pay for her to go to school. You should probably keep the D going, that may be the only thing that will motivate her to change.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Warn her that you are cutting her off financially, and then follow through. I would file for separation, ASAP. Is this the behavior of someone who cares about you and has your best interests at heart? I think no.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your W is a parasite who takes no responsibility for anything. How old is she? You would be much better off on your own and without this agro in your life. Go ahead with the divorce and cut her off. Do not tell her anything just present her with the papers and a deadline to move out with her daughter.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

In order to get them out of the house I suggest you get them an apartment, and pay the first 6 months...see if she will agree to that.....you may have to pay the first year....in the long run that may be a wise investment for you.....other you may have to sell your house and move away to get them out...agree with above she and her daughter are leeches


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