# Please help me!



## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

My wife has kicked me out and wants a divorce. 

Reasons 
I turned her down for sex at times witch has made her feel so unwanted, unattractive and neglected
money i was spending it on her and the kids instead of paying the bills and helping so she thinks i didn't care 
She was trying to tel me this and i was not listening
witch leads to we did not communicate 

She has kicked me out 4 weeks ago said she needed space 
I didn't really give her the space she asked for i wrote letters all the time texting her a lot and showing u to talk and beg 

Now she says that there is no way for a second chance she doesn't trust me and that our marriage was a mistake she said she does not want to have one more letter or me there at all. 

I know i have pushed way to hard for the last couple of weeks. 
Is there anything i can do to let her see how much i truly love her and want to make her happy in all ways and spend my life with her?
Can anyone help me please?

Now my plan is no contact at all for a while and just make sure i can pay some of the bills i can at the house will this help?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Find out if there is another man. My comment may catch you completely off guard, that's because you are off your guard. And DON'T ASK HER if there is another man, investigate yourself and if you find something come back to this site and post what you know on the coping with infidelity forums, do not confront her until you have a plan with help from people like on this site.


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

As of last night she has not cheated... I live next store with my best friend for now. He talked to her and she explained why we were getting a divorce and that i waited to long but told him she has never... But also told him theres now way i gave him a chance and he messed it up i want a divorce it was a mistake


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

so now you are not only taking "her word" for it, you are also taking her word for it plus a degree of separation. Seriously, there are red flags of infidelity here:

1) her blaming you for being unhappy and causing all the problems
2) "I need space" (to conduct her secret affair)
3) turning the betrayal of trust back onto you
4) threatening that if you try there will be no second chance

I suspect there are other red flags you have missed:
-has she recently changed her account passwords for email/facebook
-been especially close with her cell phone, hiding it from your view
-changed her looks, new hair, new clothes, different make up
-have you found any of her new lingerie yet?
-has she told you she loves you but is not "in love" with you?
-spending a lot of time with her girlfriends or some family member you would never question (if so question them, she is probably lying to them too)

Your best friend, how often does he talk to her alone about your marital issues? (big potentially UFB red flag here) Anyways, sorry if that sounds harsh it is just so damn common on this site when a new commenter like you comes on here asking these questions. We sometimes assume worst case, and usually it is. If there is no affair then giving her the freedom she is asking for and going dark on her is what you need to do, but if there is an affair you MUST kill it before going no contact yourself (otherwise you are just conceding her to the OM).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Also, why did you let her kick you out of YOUR house? You did nothing wrong and are not the one who wants to end it.


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

She is at the point where she said that me trying is turning her off and that she wants me to stop. She doesnt want anymore letters from me she says they piss her off more.. I have not had any vontact for 5 days now... I really dont know what to do or think all I know is I am madly in love with her and miss her so much and her kids that i can't concentrate even in my tree stand. I don't know if I should try to see her or not. I am scared if I try I will screw up If I even have a chance with her.


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

And with the house her father owns it. He also owns the one I am staying in right next door that I am staying with my friend


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

How do I get my wife back and show her how much she means to me and that I would do anything to make her happy. I need her in my life


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

How do I even get her to try or want to try to work on our marriage and not just give up?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop being needy and clinging, as a start. Other than that, not enough details to work with. But read about manning up in the men's forum, and see if any of that applies.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

I was being needy and clingy at first. I mean this is the woman I love. As far as that goes though I have had no contact for almost a week that part has stopped. And the part of maning up I am a man If I wasn't I wouldn't take marriage seriously. I don't need to be bashed I just need help on trying to figure out why this is happening and if there is anything I can do to stop the stop the divorce.


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

If more details are needed for this let me know


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

When she first asked me to leave it was needing space and time to herself, she needed time to think. needed me to leave for a while... Then after trying really hard with going over every day talking to her and asking for forgiveness explaining how much she meant to me and that I would do anything to make her happy. I was texting a lot and I wrote her numerous letters.. She would read my letters at first but then she told my friend that she stopped reading them just looked at first page to see if it was the same and through them out. Also when I would go over there most of the time she would say sorry I have stuff to do or I don't have time. But every couple of days she would sit and talk to me she would explain how she felt like about the few times I turned her down for sex how it made her feel and she shouldn't have to neg her husband for sex... so with everything that she feels I screwed up I agreed and said I was sorry and again say the same things in my letters that I did love her and made some mistakes. That I wanted to be with her and make her happy that she was wright and I was wrong. Even if I don't fully agree but shes my wife and if its important to her it should be to me. It's not like we wern't having sex 3 to 5 times a week isn't not having it. But she feels that we were in our honey moon stage and things should have been different. I know I pushed her way to had for the first 3 weeks of the split and I might have ruined any chance of working it out because now she doesnt want me there at all or any letters at all. But again most of my stuff is still at the house and where it's been our whole relationship.. like my deer heads and furniture.. she did however put all my clothes and bathroom stuff in the garage back in the beginning of the split she was packing all my stuff but has stopped for some reason. If she want's me out of her life wouldn't she want all memory of me out of the house???


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## katy929 (Oct 27, 2011)

I am sorry you are going through this. But, when she asked for space why didnt you give it to her and leave her alone for a bit. To me it sounds like you are reaching for something that is not there. If she is not happy, then she is not happy and maybe she just wants to end it. I think be the best way to truely show how much you love her is to listen to what she is saying and give her what she wants..which is to be left alone. You are not giving her a chance to think things through or miss you because well you are driving her up the wall sounds like when she proabably just wants sometime to think and process things. I know if I asked for space and you kept contacting me I would get annoyed and think you are not listening to what I said or how I feel.

No one here on this forum can tell you exactly why this happened because that is your wifes responsibility to do that and for you to listen to her.

And Lon is right, why did you leave the house. If it were me I would have said you want space then get out of MY house...lol..but thats just me.

If I sounded harsh I am sorry. I did not mean to be. Please do not take it the wrong way. I really do hope everything works out for you two.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wasn't bashing you, but there's a lot of information in the men's forum if you want to learn. Manning up, no more mr. nice guy... Should be something you can start with. 

Good luck! And remember, you pushed her away for the first three weeks, and you've only been low contact for a week. Things like this take time to show the other person you really have changed.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bagel your W is telling you EXACTLY the same things mine was telling me, and though I acknowledged some truth in what she was saying, eventually I could see it really didn't add up.

No matter what the root cause, if she is asking for time and space it is because she doesn't want to be around you, you have lost her respect and attraction. This "could" be because of the reasons she is trying to insinuate, but if this all happened swiftly, if there is a sudden sense of urgency to this it is because there is an external reason.

Either way you are not going to win her respect back by begging, pleading or by putting her first anymore, your best path is to give her the time and space she needs (just make sure if there is an affair you kill it or else it will get past the point of no return soon, if it hasn't already), and follow PBear's advice...


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

from what she tells me and other people she hasn't or isn't but I don't know for sure. Only one who does is her. But if found there was witch I really consider she doing. How do I stop it? How do I kill that?


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

while in this space mode, with no contact is there ways to contact without pissing her off and maybe no making things worse than I already have. I wish she would change her mind I know that you can't change peoples minds or make them do anything. But it is so complexing that she sees no good in out relationship she is focused on all negative thoughts. does this have to change with out me or is there anything i can do?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bagel, by giving her space there is the very real possibility she won't even look back, but at this point if you use this time apart from her to just focus on you and take care of the things you think are important to improve yourself, if she does look back she may like what she sees again. But that is not the point of no contact or a "180" its really just for you.

As to the red flags, there are many topics about this in the "coping with infidelity" section, but the idea right now is to gather evidence, you need to have some mental/emotional composure because if you find something you need to keep looking and formulate a plan before confronting her with it. The best way to gather evidence is looking at her computer browsing history, email conversations (especially the sent and deleted folders), her phone logs (records from service provider if available), install a keylogger on her computer and/or smartphone if she has one, put a voice activated recorder (VAR - available at walmart of radio shack)in her car (under the seat with velcro) even hire a PI if it helps.

When you've collected enough evidence you confront her on it... the reason to not confront early is because she will only let bits of the truth out at a time, testing to see how much you really know, which will give her a lot of power to blameshift back onto you and gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one. If you have the evidence you expose her A to everyone you need to to bust it up, her family, the OMW, her friends etc.

I hope this is all unecessary, but if she is cheating you have two choices, to offer D (in which case she gets all the time and space she wants, permanently) or R, if she wants R then it means she cuts off contact, becomes transparent with you and strives to do everything she can to to regain your trust and prevent herself from slipping back in, no separation, no "closure" with the AP.

If you investigate and don't come up with evidence of adultery, then what she is telling you has more credibility and she really is checked out. I honestly can't decide which is the worst situation of the two above, but I do know that you will find some strength within during this time, find that strength and keep using it to make life the way you want it to be right now.


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## bagel (Oct 28, 2011)

Is there any advice from a woman's point of view why and what's going through her mind...
update i sent her a text asking if i could give the kids some candy tonight,, she sent them over to trick or treat when she got home. mind you these are not my kids they are her's.. They call me dad and are extremely upset about the split... they have voiced there opinions to her also but she ignores them and say no


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