# "Nice Guy" dilemma-- Please name one specific thing I can do



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

to make my wife want me. We have a good marriage but over 7 1/2 years I think I have grown from the interesting wanderer to the domesticated Beta, and that is apperently not turning her on. 

I have read some of the books, forume, blogs, etc, but would love to know of SPECIFIC thing to say or do. 

TIA.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you read "no more mr. Nice guy" and "married mans sex life primer"? You say you've read books, but since we don't know what you're doing wrong, it's hard to tell you what to start doing differently. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What specifically is making you think you are causing her to lose interest?


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

I have read both those books-- not through MMSL yet but in the middle of it. 

She pretty much wants to initiate but only does it 1 or 2 times per month, if I try she is not interested.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's great that you've read some books. What have you tried with regards to changing things? Why do you think your problem is that you're a nice guy, as opposed to, say, she just doesn't like sex with you? Basically, you need to give people something to work with if you want meaningful advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, my SO says that one of the things she loves about me is that I'm passionate about my main hobby, and that I'm willing and interested in learning new things. My hobby is running. As far as learning new things, in the past year I've taken cooking classes, photography training, and started trail running as opposed to road running. Basically, don't stagnate as a person. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're going to think I'm being cryptic, but I can only promise you that I'm not.

What is the one thing you can do to make your wife want you?

Stop worrying about what it is you need to do to make your wife want you.

I have said it over and over, and I realize it makes little sense to a man who desperately wants to recover his marriage, but it is universally true.

You need to be prepared to lose your marriage if you want to save it. You need to define what YOU need, not what she needs. Focus must be you. Make it about her and it can't work. It won't work.

You don't need to be a jerk or play at being some guy you aren't. But what you have to do is clearly define and execute on the man that you are, and want to be ... regardless of the woman in your life and how she feels about it.

She will either admire and respect that man, or she will make clear to you through her actions, that she is no longer worthy of what you have to offer and you end it.

Guess that's more than one thing ... but it's a big one, and an important one.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Never ask for permission to do anything. Inform her of your plans and then follow through.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I've finally broken this long-standing Nice Guy habit.

When puttering around the house, I would announce what I was about to do. Ostensibly, it's to be "nice" and inform her what my next move was. The sub-text, though, could be read as if I was asking for permission to do these things.

Don't say "I'm going to take a shower now." Just go do it. She'll figure it out when she hears the water running. Don't say "I'm going to go mow the lawn." She'll figure it out when she hears you pull the rip cord on the motor.

Of course, you will have to do much more to get your man card back. But this is a good first step in training yourself to detach from her approval and start living for yourself.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> I've finally broken this long-standing Nice Guy habit.
> 
> When puttering around the house, I would announce what I was about to do. Ostensibly, it's to be "nice" and inform her what my next move was. The sub-text, though, could be read as if I was asking for permission to do these things.
> 
> ...




I wasn't thinking about the small stuff like taking a shower, but I agree with what you said. Just do it. If he has kids he should inform his wife he's going to leave the house.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

What Deejo said. Your main objective can't be to get her to want you. It should be improving yourself and making YOU happy. An increase in her attraction to you will be a positive side effect. Do what you need to do to make you happy. Start a hobby or get back involved with one you stopped. You can never go wrong with weight training. Be a bit more assertive and adventurous. And yeah, don't ask for permission to do stuff.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

How do you initiate? Do you do Nice Guy crap like asking her for it - "Um, could we have s*x tonight?" Do you do covert crap like rubbing her back or something to see where it leads? 

If so, do this - walk up to her tonight, look in her eyes, and tell her what you want to do to her. Might work.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Why don't you show your desire to her clearly in words and action? Being a nice guy, you may not do it at all.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

One specific thing that has good bang for the buck? Go "out". Don't announce where. Just tell her you're going out. If she asks where, be vague, or say that you're meeting some friends. Then, be gone for a few hours. Don't stay out until 4am. Just give her hamster a bit of a workout.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> One specific thing that has good bang for the buck? Go "out". Don't announce where. Just tell her you're going out. If she asks where, be vague, or say that you're meeting some friends. Then, be gone for a few hours. Don't stay out until 4am. Just give her hamster a bit of a workout.


I personally wouldnt recommend just randomly leaving the house with little notice or not telling her where you are going. That basically just screams hey im avoiding you.

I would pick fun activities, the movies, sports bar, whatever you like and you know she might like as well. Once she sees you are having fun without her she will want to join you and will see you as a fun loving guy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Toshiba2020 said:


> I personally wouldnt recommend just randomly leaving the house with little notice or not telling her where you are going. That basically just screams hey im avoiding you.
> 
> I would pick fun activities, the movies, sports bar, whatever you like and you know she might like as well. Once she sees you are having fun without her she will want to join you and will see you as a fun loving guy.


The point isn't to have dates with her. It's to let her see you having fun without her. That's not avoiding her. That's just doing your own thing.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Lift weights, eat clean, take a decent multivitamin and vita D. 

Read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer. 

Could be the itch coming on. 

You need to be balanced. That means working but not too much. Lifting weights but not too much. Having friends but not too many. Investing in your relationship but not too much. You need to invest in friends too. 

I see many guys who work ungodly hours. They don't take care of themselves, don't see their kids or SO. No hobbies, no friends etc. They work, go home, eat and go to bed. 

Don't do that.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> How do you initiate? Do you do covert crap like rubbing her back or something to see where it leads?
> .


Ugh I do this. Maybe I should read the book. I am almost always the initiator and she is often stiff as a board
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

"Date" her. Treat her like she is your girlfriend.... back when things were fun, and you find each other so cute, etc...


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

umm...how much weight have you gained since getting married? 5 lbs or 50?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Iver said:


> umm...how much weight have you gained since getting married? 5 lbs or 50?


Me? I am 6'1 and 175lbs. I haven't gained anything since I got married more than 10 years ago.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

nirvana said:


> Ugh I do this. Maybe I should read the book. I am almost always the initiator and she is often stiff as a board
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A decent halfway point is using mid-day texts that declare your intentions or otherwise just set things up - and then just do it.

"You looked so sexy in that skirt this morning babe. The only thing missing was my hands pushing it up, something I'm going to take care of tonight.  "

Also... spend time talking to her and engaging her. Find something to talk about other than the routine things. Keep loose and inject some humor where ever you can. A woman who feels emotionally connected to you now is far more likely to be receptive to a direct sexual advances later. They are related, but don't tie them too tightly. Don't do this to get sex. Do this to be connected. Being connected will generally keep her open to your advances whenever you want to pursue it.

I'm not a fan of the indirect, "rub the shoulders" hint for sex. If you're going to rub her shoulders, rub her shoulders and leave it at that unless SHE pursues more; When you want sex, be more overtly sexual - and never ask (ever ever ever). Come up behind her and begin kissing her on her neck and drift to her ear. Let your hands and kisses talk. A lot of women will put up token resistance... laughing, dismissing and saying they have to get xyz done.... Ignore it. They're really testing you to see how easily you give up. Don't be pushy necessarily, but make her explicitly say no.

If you're building a connection, doing things without strings, and overtly pursuing sex and she still shuts you down... imo your wife is a zombie. RUUUUNNNNN!


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Me? I am 6'1 and 175lbs. I haven't gained anything since I got married more than 10 years ago.


Actually this question was for Mo42. 

I've seen a number of threads with a husband trying to figure out what went wrong and there'll be a casual mention of some weight gain on their part which turns out to be 100+ lbs. 

For some reason they don't seem to think this is that big a deal.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Ugh I do this. Maybe I should read the book. I am almost always the initiator and she is often stiff as a board


Give her a sensual massage. Get scented oils, use candles and set the mood.

If you relax her too much, wake her up with a prod


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