# Introvert / Extrovert And Relationship Dynamics



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is a very complex area in relationships that I think is generally overlooked as a potential source of problems. 

Because we live in a world where everything has to be politically correct , groupthink being the norm , there seems to be an inherent bias against introversion.
But introversion is not a personality disorder !

Before you comment, I would like to ask that you have a look at this incisive TED video. It is a bit long , but you won't regret looking at it!

Susan Cain: The power of introverts.

It is my belief that we all have inherent, personal traits ,strengths and weaknesses that we bring into a relationship. Sadly, it is also my belief that relationships fail because of the inability to fully comprehend this, and maximize each other's talents.

"_ The key to maximizing your talents , is for us to put ourselves in a zone of stimulation , that is right for us..._"
~ *Susan Cain.*

Personal happiness and satisfaction is tied to embracing who we are , our uniqueness and how we are built. Not so much in meeting society's and other people's expectation of us.

Your thoughts and experiences would be appreciated.


----------



## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Good talk. I think similar personalities make for better long term relationships. 

I recently left a long term marriage and in retrospect have a better understanding if why our relationship evolved the way it did. I used to joke that "we hate each other" because we rarely agreed in anything. It took it's toll eventually because I ultimately believed there was something wrong with me because I was "wound too tight" or "over sensitive" s I'd so often been told (by first my Mother and then my spouse-both extroverts). 

One example that comes to mind is my husband was a big sports fan (season tickets to baseball, football, and hockey). Of course I attended with him often but really preferred not to as the experience was typically not pleasant for me although I tried. I often found it excruciatingly painful and simply could not relate to his oblivion (ability to tune out everything that I could not- and enjoy the experience). I would notice the kid kicking the seats behind me, the cowbells unnerved me, the having to get up and down and having drinks splashed on me when people returned to their seats, people smoking a few rows over when it wasn't allowed, the unexpected and loud outbursts, people standing up and blocking your view, people's conversations about irrelevant topics I couldn't tune out.

Sometimes behavior was so rude and I wondered "why doesn't he say anything?" Which translated to "why doesn't he care about me or why does he think their rights override mine".

In hindsight he simply could not relate to how hard it was for me and was something I couldn't help because they simply did not phase, bother of affect him the same way. 

Thus my views of him as "not caring" and his views of me as "enjoying being miserable" where really due to simply having personalities that experienced the world differently.

I understand now and my thoughts towards him are gentled.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am not exactly sure what to comment on, so I hope whatever I say will be okay.

I read the transcript of the talk. I prefer reading to watching.

I did not realize that teamwork was so important in schools now. I used to be a teacher, but it was pretty traditional 20 years ago in the schools I was in.

We homeschool, and the emphasis is on individual work at the student's own pace. A lot of time for his own interests. We use Saxon math, and the texts are self-teaching. The Latin and science books are the same. The kids are free to read widely on their own and are encouraged to do so, but they do get certain magazines every month (Calliope, Cobblestone, Muse, etc. ) that they are expected to read.

I think kids need a lot of freedom to grow and become themselves. I am pretty outside the norm on this, as my ds8 does not read, and ds11 only learned two years ago. You would never know it now. People worry way too much about controlling these things, instead of just trusting and letting them happen.

Okay, I just read the first commenter's post and I feel like what I just wrote is off-topic, but I took some time to do it and am going to post it anyway. 

I spent weekends in college in the study lounge. No one was there, and I got tons of work done. One night I went to the bars with friends, and hated it. Way too much noise, and someone spilled their beer on my skirt. That was enough for me.

Dh is an introvert, too, much moreso than I. He enjoys reading here and has done some posting, but I have been hanging out here full-time for two months. I just love all the interaction with different people, esp. when I can really be supportive of someone going through a difficult time. I think it is an extension of my mothering role.

I had to laugh when we first went to India. Dh was managing a factory there, and obviously had to be extroverted in his job. I was home all day with our five children and two servants. A woman from Eastern Europe, whose husband was working for dh, came over one day and commented on what an extrovert dh was, and what a complete iintrovert I was, just staying home all the time with the kids. 

Dd and I just stood there, shocked. I was the one always asking dh if we could invite people over, try to make couple friends, and he was always the one with no interest. Any need he had for other people was more than met at work (still is ) and he had and has no interest in seeking people out. So here I am on TAM all the time, because it is easier to come here than actually get out of the house and leave the kids, IRL.

Okay, last point, what you said about embracing who we are. I think this is the most important thing I have learned on TAM (besides that cheating is always 100% the fault of the cheater ) You have to be yourself. You have to accept who you are, and in particular, your sexuality. I don't even think I knew that much about sexuality before reading marriage boards!

People really cannot change who they fundamentally are. I find myself trying to fit in so often, just to not feel lonely. But I think I have to stop that, just have to know who I am and trust that there are people out there who can like me just the way I am (Fred Rogers, where are you? ). I think just accepting who you are is the key to developing security.

And I wish people could stop telling other people the correct way to be in a relationship. I wish there could be more of an attitude of Help me understand, and Well, that's interesting, instead of That's Wrong! That's so unhealthy! Stop it right now! But I think we all do it. We all think we know how everyone should be.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Joylush said:


> I think similar personalities make for better long term relationships.
> 
> I understand now and my thoughts towards him *are gentled*.


I totally agree with the first sentence and I just love the way you expressed yourself in the second sentence.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm an extrovert & for the most part the hubs is an introvert. I've found in my own personal experience, that being in a relationship with another extrovert can be exhausting because it can feel as if you're competing with one another regarding who is the more outgoing. Because my H and I have mostly opposite personalities, it does help us both in that I've toned down my "out goingness" and he has stepped up his. We don't compete in that way and as I've said before, we are each other's Yin to their Yang, we balance each other out nicely.


----------



## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

I agree and can relate to everything you said. By the way we were a homeschooling family as well. My kids started regular school in 8th grade. I really enjoyed all the benefits of homeschooling and miss those years (kids/twins will be 23 this month). 

The homeschooling community is very diverse and I always admired and respected the variety if ways different families approached things. 

It's funny but one if the reasons I started them in music lessons so young (age 4) is because they read earlier than most and music is a foreign language to me I thought they'd benefit from learning young and because I wanted to give them a venue whereby they could learn to feel comfortable being in front of others (learning to be less shy than their mother). They are very confident and mature young people in part because they had a lot of opportunity to develop those skills through homeschooling. But they're still who they are with my daughter being more naturally outgoing than her brother who is every bit as capable as his sister but less secure like his mother. But he'll continue to mature and learn it be less concerned about what other people think--just as mom eventually learned to do.

But boy it would have been nice to have heard just once something along the lines of "boy those people are rude" from my husband just to know someone empathized with me.

(We were nice at a play and people behind us couldn't stop talking about other things. I finally couldn't take it anymore and turned around and said it them, "Do you mind saving your conversation for another time because some of us actually came her to hear the play!"

Then I felt bad because I'm sure I embarrassed them. I lamented over how I should have said it more quietly or less harshly. But I got numerous looks of approval and a thumbs up from other patrons around us. That made me think well why didn't anyone else say anything! Husband simply told me to tune them out so I knew he wasn't about to do anything.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can't watch the video due to my laptop's shock wave crashing / cuts in & out...







I bought this book... Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength: Books -though never got around to reading it... 

Our 3rd son is very Introverted... but he is like the funniest kid we have.. a real riot around his close friends ... yet the quietest out & about.. I don't think people realize if you take the time to get to know some of these introverts, what you might be missing!....But then some of them don't want to be gotten to know.. so it's difficult, he has explained to me how he just doesn't care to be involved and people can just leave him alone... He still talks to his Mother though... and this I am thankful!

In my youth, temperament tests said I was an Introvert, then as I got older, they swayed to an Extrovert, so I am teetering.... I am a chameleon...depending on who I am around.. if I feel comfortable.. I can be as outgoing as a Drunk person... letting it all out...(no booze required)..... but if I don't feel a part of the group, atmosphere intimidating..... I will wait for someone to approach me.

Husband - pure introvert, double whammy Phleg / Melancholy... our dynamics in this.. I may wish he talked a little more at times.. got a little more EXCITED over things.. but the fact he lets me rattle on and enjoys me... doesn't mind my picking his brain.. it just makes up for all that.. and he LIKES my FIRE...my high enthusiasm ....I am able to get a "Rise" out of him so to speak....so IT WORKS... 

Outside of these temperament differences, we have so much in common (minus a few personal hobbies).....it's a little crazy... in this way we enjoy doing pretty much everything together, both feeling the same in this. 

Really...his strengths are more my weaknesses and my strengths - his weaknesses ...we may make fun of each other at times.. really play it up... yet we understand each other so well... we make a good "team" .

I really believe if I was with someone more like myself.. we'd have high excitement alright / boisterous bantering.. but we'd burn each other out & get on each others nerves..probably badly even....the fights would be intense.... and if he was with a woman like himself, it'd be too "uneventful" - if she didn't like sex, goodness, that wouldn't go well with as passive as he is... so yeah.. I feel we are matched just how we NEED....to enhance our marital experience.... that *Ying* & *Yang* here - but we're a little backwards I am afraid...











I found this on You tube Introvert vs. Extrovert Conversation - YouTube (3 min) ....it's very popular & gets to the heart of these differences - and it's OK.. the Introvert is telling the other dude he doesn't have a mental disorder just cause he is not like the party animal.. I was laughing so hard playing this the 1st time. It's a gem!


----------



## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@CM, I recall a thread not too far back where the introvert personality came up...I can't remember which one it was but maybe you will. Someone touched on the fact that introverts distance themselves because close interaction with people was too painful because they are more sensitive or something like that. I remembering reading that and saying "YES!!! Someone finally figured it out!" 

Now, I will admit that I didn't do the homework you gave us above (Susan Cain), because I've lived as a introvert all my life and spent the last 20 years watching our son grow up as one as well. Besides, I've never been much of a "self-help by someone else" follower and never will. In fact, the only reading I enjoy are biographies. 

As far as my M goes, the husband is 1/2 extrovert, 1/4 forced extrovert, and 1/4 introvert. I'm 90% introvert and 10% extrovert, but only on my terms. This seems to work for us especially now that we fully understand and respect each other. During the "dark" years of our M we used our differences as weapons against one another and it was a source for many of our battles. So, I can see where being opposite can cause failure when it's only viewed negatively. 

Let me explain how this works, in limited detail if I can. The H is an extrovert by nature and spends most of his work week in this mode. This would be the 1/2. (FYI he puts in a min of 50hr @the office & has to take calls & emails after hours, and does research and paperwork at home for a couple of hours) He is also on many boards and organizations which require meetings and events that he/we attend...he'd rather not go but has to, this is the 1/4 forced. The 1/4 introvert is his down time on the weekends with me, and is much needed. Could you imagine if I wanted/needed to go out every weekend and socialize??? BTW, his mother is 200% extrovert and while growing up his family was always, I mean ALWAYS doing something social.

Myself being an introvert, maybe not a hard-core one, I enjoy being alone. I don't feel alone, but I'd rather be by myself then dealing with others on a regular basis. Now, when I am out and about running errands and shopping I will chat with everyone. When we have something to do...party, sports event, dinner and traveling...I actually enjoy it more so than hubby. See, I don't mind the interaction and socializing as long as it's limited. If it gets beyond my comfort zone I shut down. It's the building of in-depth relationships that I have no desire or interest in. 

Introvert-ism, I don't think there is anything wrong with it and I don't think it's a personality disorder that needs to be worked on or corrected. In fact, I see extroverts all around me that seem so needy and weak and wonder how they can be happy.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Joylush, I saw on your bio page that you are separated. Given what you have learned, and how your thoughts have "gentled,"  do you think you and your dh will work things out?


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Introversion is a form of mental illness.



[/trolling]

I'm a calm extrovert. I'm not loud and boisterous, but I'm definitely not shy. I like talking to people, but I'm happy to listen, because I understand the power of listening. I'm basically an extrovert who doesn't need to be the centre of attention, if you can imagine such a thing. Well, mostly.  Somewhat ironically, the secret to being a happy and non-attention-seeking extrovert is simply to stop focusing on yourself. You can't be nervous unless you think about how you feel. And you won't be seeking attention unless you focus on how you feel.

My wife is very much an introvert. I know many introverts and was myself that way for a while when younger, though that was due to childhood trauma. 

I do think introversion is often rooted in fear. There is almost always a fear of what people will think about them, or a fear of doing something silly, embarrassing or wrong, or some other kind of self-inhibition. Introverts tend to self-monitor a lot; there is a much stronger self-focus than with extroverts. This would be okay, but in my experience, most of the time this stems from a discomfort of some kind and that is a shame. It's a shame because it inhibits their natural expression as a person, because they think that they may be judged in some way for acting from their feelings and letting go. 

I meet far more frustrated and unhappy introverts who feel helpless in some areas of their lives than I meet extroverts with the same issues. (Extreme extroverts tend to be overcompensating and have their own issues). 

I don't want my personality to be shaped by what I fear to do or to be. I am a fan of balance and freedom.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MSP said:


> I do think introversion is often rooted in fear. There is almost always a fear of what people will think about them, or a fear of doing something silly, embarrassing or wrong, or some other kind of self-inhibition. Introverts tend to self-monitor a lot; there is a much stronger self-focus than with extroverts. This would be okay, but in my experience, most of the time this stems from a discomfort of some kind and that is a shame. It's a shame because it inhibits their natural expression as a person, because they think that they may be judged in some way for acting from their feelings and letting go.
> 
> I meet far more frustrated and unhappy introverts who feel helpless in some areas of their lives than I meet extroverts with the same issues. (Extreme extroverts tend to be overcompensating and have their own issues).
> 
> I don't want my personality to be shaped by what I fear to do or to be. I am a fan of balance and freedom.


The above sounds more like social anxiety and that's often how extroverts view introverts. That we are scared or unhappy, not that we are just perfectly happy sitting in on Saturday night with a book vs. going out to a party. There must be something wrong, some reason, if we aren't extroverted. Constantly being told something must be wrong or trying to figure out why we are introverted can cause us to be frustrated, unhappy and forced into situations that we'd rather not be in. 

As for relationships, I couldn't be with someone too extroverted. I prefer to spend my time at home, without guests over, and doing activities in smaller groups. Being with an extrovert would mean I would either have to be forced into situations I didn't enjoy or just be the girl who just sat at home while her H went out with friends and activities. I wouldn't like either of those. I don't feel my ying needs a yang there


----------



## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Like all human traits, introversion and extroversion exist on a spectrum.

Here are some quotes from a Time article on introversion in 2012:

Introverts may be able to fit all their friends in a phone booth, but those relationships tend to be deep and rewarding. Introverts are more cautious and deliberate than extroverts, but that means they tend to think things through more thoroughly, which means they can often make smarter decisions. Introverts are better at listening--which, after all, is easier to do if you're not talking--and that in turn can make them better business leaders, especially if their employees feel empowered to act on their own initiative. And simply by virtue of their ability to sit still and focus, introverts find it easier to spend long periods in solitary work, which turns out to be the best way to come up with a fresh idea or master a skill.

Read more: The Upside Of Being An Introvert (And Why Extroverts Are Overrated) - TIME The Upside Of Being An Introvert (And Why Extroverts Are Overrated) - TIME

I think that you need a spouse who complements your personality, so one partner will likely be more introverted than the other. Two extroverts will exhaust each other, and two introverts will bore each other.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MSP said:


> *I do think introversion is often rooted in fear. There is almost always a fear of what people will think about them, or a fear of doing something silly, embarrassing or wrong, or some other kind of self-inhibition. *Introverts tend to self-monitor a lot; there is a much stronger self-focus than with extroverts. *This would be okay, but in my experience, most of the time this stems from a discomfort of some kind and that is a shame. It's a shame because it inhibits their natural expression as a person, because they think that they may be judged in some way for acting from their feelings and letting go.*
> 
> I meet far more frustrated and unhappy introverts who feel helpless in some areas of their lives than I meet extroverts with the same issues. (Extreme extroverts tend to be overcompensating and have their own issues).
> 
> *I don't want my personality to be shaped by what I fear to do or to be. I am a fan of balance and freedom*.


Our son is a Psyche major and we had a discussion on this once, he was trying to explain to me the difference between SHYNESS (which IS rooted in fears and insecurities) -these people WANT to be around others, WANT TO JOIN IN.. but are inhibited ....they may even be naturally extroverted but come off introverted... I do not believe, nor would the experts that all introvertism is based in fear...

Though it does appear on who you ask - according to this article

Introversion vs. Shyness: The Discussion Continues | 








...6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts #1 on that list was *>> *



> *1. **All introverts are shy -- and all shy people are introverts.*
> 
> Shyness is so often confused with introversion that the two words are frequently used interchangeably -- but in fact, they're remarkably different traits. As Susan Cain pointed out in a Psychology Today blog, Bill Gates is introverted but not shy: He's quiet and bookish, but isn't bothered by what other people think of him.
> 
> ...


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I am not exactly sure what to comment on, so I hope whatever I say will be okay.
> 
> I read the transcript of the talk. I prefer reading to watching.
> 
> ...


Thanks for posting your experience!
I find it very interesting, especially the part I highlighted. It reminds me of myself. I think I'm somewhere along the middle of the introvert / extrovert spectrum , because I find myself switching between the two from time to time.
Sometimes I'm like the life of the party, the natural leader , and then other times I just want to be left alone [ like with just my wife & I ] for very long periods.
At one time I was a bit confused thinking maybe something was wrong with me , that I had a " split personality."
But I'm more introverted than extrovert, and sometimes I feel as if I put on the extrovert personae because that's what people expect of me. In other words, to be sociable.
I am definitely not shy , and very self confident.
But give me a choice between gong to a party/ bar or public event, and spending a day by the river or beach all by myself,with a good book on philosophy,
I'll choose the latter.

I still go out a lot with my wife, she's more extroverted, but she goes out and attends social functions , a lot more than me.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

bobbieb65 said:


> @CM, I recall a thread not too far back where the introvert personality came up...I can't remember which one it was but maybe you will. Someone touched on the fact that introverts distance themselves because close interaction with people was too painful because they are more sensitive or something like that. I remembering reading that and saying "YES!!! Someone finally figured it out!"
> 
> Now, I will admit that I didn't do the homework you gave us above (Susan Cain), because I've lived as a introvert all my life and spent the last 20 years watching our son grow up as one as well. Besides, I've never been much of a "self-help by someone else" follower and never will. In fact, the only reading I enjoy are biographies.
> 
> ...


I like your entire post, and the fact that you and your husband maximized on each other potentials , to make the best for your marriage.
But extroverts aren't really " weak " they're just different.
Extroverts tend to crave large amounts of social stimulation because it is who they are. It is what gives them inner joy , making people happy and being among happy people is what makes them feel happy.
Introverts tend to be more on the creative side and see no real need for superficial conversations or unnecessary social interactions.
Extroverts tend to be very good with words and lines.
Introverts might have problems expressing their feelings in a way that others would understand. They tend to place very high value on intimate relationships , so they select their few friends ,very carefully.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MSP said:


> Introversion is a form of mental illness.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think much of what you posted there, the part i highlighted is really the reaction of introverts based of what they expect from extroverts. They are generally misunderstood , and hey don't fear social interaction, but prefer solitude because in solitude, they find their true self.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I am an introvert and H is an extrovert. We mesh very well and he admits that if he had married an extrovert, he would not be as happy because there would be friction from competing personalities. He had dated extroverts in the past and he says all were epic disasters. I think we even each other out well. 

Because of his personality, he thinks everyone is his friend. This is good because it helps with his job and bad because some people who he thought were friends proved otherwise. Also, women tend to think he's "into them" when he's actually just a social butterfly. 

Since I am quieter and more reticent, I like to vet people mentally before I let them enter my world. I have fewer friends than H, but mine have withstood the test of time, while many of his have not.

Another plus, he likes to be entertaining and I like to be entertained. With me, he can be himself and I am his audience. It works.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am a relatively secure introvert. I teach, give talks, and have confidence in what I can and can't do. Over the years, I've come to know my strengths and weaknesses & am not a particularly insecure or fearful person. I am definitely private and circumspect, though. I am usually described as an introvert and am not unhappy with that.

My H is definitely an extrovert. He is completely comfortable in situations that I would actively decide to reject. He is, however, relatively private and very comfortable with his own company.

Interestingly, being raised and living in the US, where extroversion is prized, it is my H who has received more grief for his personality. He has had to tone down his extroverted tendencies many, many times. Usually it is for behavior that on the surface is generally admired and even envied. Successful extroverts, it seems, are easily resented and criticized as arrogant. It's almost like they are punished for having too easy a time of it or too much in the way of natural advantage. I have to say that I think he has been unfairly pegged over the years.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I am a relatively secure introvert. I teach, give talks, and have confidence in what I can and can't do. Over the years, I've come to know my strengths and weaknesses & am not a particularly insecure or fearful person.* I am definitely private and circumspect, though. I am usually described as an introvert and am not unhappy with that.*
> 
> *My H is definitely an extrovert. He is completely comfortable in situations that I would actively decide to reject. He is, however, relatively private and very comfortable with his own company.*
> 
> Interestingly, being raised and living in the US, where extroversion is prized, it is my H who has received more grief for his personality.* He has had to tone down his extroverted tendencies many, many times. Usually it is for behavior that on the surface is generally admired and even envied. *Successful extroverts, it seems, are easily resented and criticized as arrogant. It's almost like they are punished for having too easy a time of it or too much in the way of natural advantage. I have to say that I think he has been unfairly pegged over the years.


I find the combination of you and your husband's personality very interesting!


On the surface , your temperaments seems almost like polar opposites , based on the parts I highlighted. But I'm sure that there must be areas of common interests / understanding, and maybe even compromise, for it to work.

It would be interesting to know how do you guys manage it.
Would you mind sharing your secret with us?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We definitely have things in common. We both are academic types who came up in the same system, so we understand each other's backgrounds well. We're both from the same culture. This may seem like a throwaway to some, but we've lived in different cultures, and have seen the difficulties in cross-cultural marriages. We are from the same generation. And...we have very similar senses of humor. My H will say something that I find subtle and hilarious and no one - and I mean no one - else gets it but me.

That all being said, CM, we have always had chemistry. Neither one of us understands it, but it has always been there. Maybe the extrovert/introvert thing is part of that. We're different enough to be something of a matched set (?).


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

30 years ago, as part of our pre-marriage couseling, my wife and I took Meiers-Briggs personality inventories. She scored an introvert, and I a strong introvert.

The counselor told us what to expect in our marriage, particularly regarding conflict. That we would let things simmer. That we would internalize everything. That we would avoid fighting with each other, even when such a fight was probably necessary. 

The counselor was right.


----------



## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Another plus, he likes to be entertaining and I like to be entertained. With me, he can be himself and I am his audience. It works.


We are like this, too. When I first started dating, I thought that I would want a clone of myself. We would agree on everything, right? But it works much better when you balance each other's strengths and weaknesses out.

I did not imagine falling in love with a talkative man who loves attention. But I love to listen, and he appreciates my quiet admiration and respect of him. I also agree with the importance of "getting" each other's sense of humor.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Cletus said:


> 30 years ago, as part of our pre-marriage couseling, my wife and I took Meiers-Briggs personality inventories. She scored an introvert, and I a strong introvert.
> 
> The counselor told us what to expect in our marriage, particularly regarding conflict. That we would let things simmer. That we would internalize everything. That we would avoid fighting with each other, even when such a fight was probably necessary.
> 
> *The counselor was right*.


Care to elaborate?

My wife and I took a similar personality test during our pre marital counselling.
Lol, I can't remember what she scored or what I scored..:scratchhead:

I must be getting old!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cletus said:


> 30 years ago, as part of our pre-marriage couseling, my wife and I took Meiers-Briggs personality inventories. She scored an introvert, and I a strong introvert.
> 
> The counselor told us what to expect in our marriage, particularly regarding conflict. *That we would let things simmer. That we would internalize everything. That we would avoid fighting with each other, even when such a fight was probably necessary. *
> 
> The counselor was right.


Given your personality here on TAM...I am not understanding this at all ......You defended your "straight shooting" way of dealing with people...as YOU would want to be treated like this yourself...it's Cletus's style....... 

So How does a "Straight shooter" like you *>>* Simmer with the wife ??


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

skype said:


> We are like this, too. When I first started dating, I thought that I would want a clone of myself. We would agree on everything, right? But it works much better when you balance each other's strengths and weaknesses out.
> 
> I did not imagine falling in love with a talkative man who loves attention. But I love to listen, and he appreciates my quiet admiration and respect of him. I also agree with the importance of "getting" each other's sense of humor.


My god , my wife loves to talk!
Sometimes I'm on the bed , dog tired , nodding away and there she is , talking away, and me begging her:
" _Hun , I'm tired , we'll finish this tomorrow , ok _?"
Her:
"_Ok,good night_" > kiss, smooch <--[ or whatever..]
Thirty seconds later..
" _Hun ?"_
Me;
"_Yes?"_
Her;
"_Are sleeping as yet? I just remembered something I forot to tell you.._"

Then she starts talking again.

Sometimes some sides our personalities clash ,but I make a conscious effort not to let petty , unnecessary things escalate. Thankfuly, we both have a dark sense of humor, and I absolutely love it when she smiles , giggles or laughs.
In hindsight,I think one of the things that has helped diffuse unnecessary conflict between us is our sense of humor.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> *We definitely have things in common. We both are academic types who came up in the same system, so we understand each other's backgrounds well. We're both from the same culture. This may seem like a throwaway to some, but we've lived in different cultures, and have seen the difficulties in cross-cultural marriages. We are from the same generation. And...we have very similar senses of humor. My H will say something that I find subtle and hilarious and no one - and I mean no one - else gets it but me.*
> 
> That all being said, CM, *we have always had chemistry*. Neither one of us understands it, but it has always been there. Maybe the extrovert/introvert thing is part of that. We're different enough to be something of a matched set (?).


Yep^^^, you all seem matched in the " yin and yang " style.

I think that chemistry has a lot to do with it in some couples. That magnetic force that draws them together even though everything else might be repeling.

My wife and I are from different cultures, we had and still have lots of differences ,but the chemistry is there. That sense of humor you mentioned ,also goes a long way. Sometimes it like pouring oil on troubled waters.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Given your personality here on TAM...I am not understanding this at all ......You defended your "straight shooting" way of dealing with people...as YOU would want to be treated like this yourself...it's Cletus's style.......
> 
> So How does a "Straight shooter" like you *>>* Simmer with the wife ??


That one's easy. Introverted straight shooter means you'll get the answer to your question with a minimum of decoration or other seemingly useless fluff and bother, but only when you bother to ask the question. I might not volunteer the information, and if you're not inclined to ask for it, as another introvert might not be, it might go completely unsaid.

Being an introvert means you subscribe more to a "pull" model of information flow than to a "push" model, as an extrovert might employ.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

skype said:


> *I did not imagine falling in love with a talkative man who loves attention. But I love to listen, and he appreciates my quiet admiration and respect of him. I also agree with the importance of "getting" each other's sense of humor*.


I'm the talker & my husband never tires of all my dribble....he is always engaged..he's told me he likes the attention , that I am interested in his opinions, etc....so a win /win...

..If someone talked too much...if they lack the "give & take" ...I'd find myself yawning & I want to jump out the nearest window to get away from them...but always enjoy the deeper meaningful conversations (typical of an introvert) -with some substance.... 

Husband is also more on the Humble side...and I've always been one who had a thing for the underdog....I feel many underdogs are wonderful people who go unnoticed... often they do a tremendous amount of work behind the scenes, the tedious stuff ....these quiet introverts...while someone else gets all the Praise...more so the flamboyant Extroverts. 

A strange comparison I suppose ..

When it comes to sense of humor, I can be tough... I don't really like everyone's sense of humor...like if someone is trying too hard to make me laugh...like they can't even have a serious moment...and I am left questioning what their intent is....that would get really old for me... 

I've always loved H's DRY sense of humor..his humor is HONEST as sin...yet devious..kinda what people THINK but never say -type humor. But HE doesn't think he is funny at all...while he has left me & some friends roaring, I've peed my pants before. 

A good friend of ours referred to him as the “Perfectly timed non-chalant dry humored saltine cracker” and I was described as “a cup of hot







"



> *Cletus said*: That one's easy.* Introverted straight shooter means you'll get the answer to your question with a minimum of decoration or other seemingly useless fluff and bother, but only when you bother to ask the question*. I might not volunteer the information, and if you're not inclined to ask for it, as another introvert might not be, it might go completely unsaid.
> 
> Being an introvert means you subscribe more to a "pull" model of information flow than to a "push" model, as an extrovert might employ.


 So your wife isn't asking the right questions...therefore you don't volunteer what you may need to -to open an issue up.... and you also may not be asking enough questions ... 

My husband is like you, not exactly volunteering his hurts, or what may be bothering him.....it does need pulled at times..he is the the type if he's sick -he'd downplay it...so if he says it HURTS...it REALLY HURTS.......so I need to listen to the little stuff that he made an effort to bring to my attention...

THIS Is where we missed it some in the past... I wasn't as in tuned to his feelings, wants and desires and he is just not the type to sound a Gong... Me on the other hand... well.. I must articulate my feelings ..or it will show on my face, and in my attitude... and ..well...that may not be too pleasant.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> My god , my wife loves to talk!
> Sometimes I'm on the bed , dog tired , nodding away and there she is , talking away, and me begging her:
> " _Hun , I'm tired , we'll finish this tomorrow , ok _?"
> Her:
> ...


Gosh, CM, I am your wife! Although somehow my much speaking has become soothing background noise to my H. Sometimes though he will do things like pull me to him and say "Baby, just give me 5 minutes, and you can start talking again." I don't get offended at all. In fact, if I get quiet he will ask me what's wrong and actually keep probing until he have a good explanation of my silence.

Anyway, though we are both more extroverts. We enjoy engaging with others although neither one of us is the life of the party type. My H is better in small groups but he does have a magnetic personality. He has made friends just by going to the hardware store. He loves Mom and Pop businesses and just going into one to converse with the owners and few patrons. One of his favorite places is the barbershop which is own by my cousin. He spends almost 3 hours there almost every Saturday. 

I don't make friends as easily but once I have a close friend we are really close. I tend to hang on to friendships that have run their course, though. Ironically as much as I talk at home, I don't tend to talk as much with friends about myself, but I do engage them in conversations about themselves. I actually like listening to others issues and mulling them over their siutations for a solution.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Talk about talking.

My H's parents were married for over 60 years before his father passed away. His mother is a talker. When his father was ill, I visited and sat with him in the hospital. His mother would come in and talk at her husband nonstop. She would report on her day, their affairs, their friends and family. He lay there, quite sick, occasionally gesturing or murmuring a response.

It was fascinating and tender. That was their dynamic for all those years. She was the bubbly, outgoing talker and he was the tough, all-business greatest generation guy. Now that he is gone, she talks to all of us this way and we understand that she needs this outlet.


----------



## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

As an introvert I find this discussion fascinating especially as it pertains to the 'shyness' factor.

My husband is an introvert too - more so than I. However he is comfortable in social situations whereas I don't feel so comfortable. I'm good with one on one but add in another person or a group and I find my ears reverberating and echoing. I find it hard to discern exactly what the other person has said sometimes. It's like too much info at once 

The shyness bit, well I was extremely shy as a child and teen. Shy, timid, easily intimidated. It was fear based, most definitely. I mentioned around the table this past weekend that I'm born in the Year of the Horse and that one trait of the horse was that they were 'sociable'. I didn't think I was and said as much, however my sister and her teen daughter disagreed and thought I was sociable which surprised me to no end.

I wouldn't do well with an extrovert spouse and nor would my husband. He sometimes says, 'you know, your sister didn't stop talking from the time she sat down at the table to the time we had to leave.' I for one can't stand too much talky, talky. Especially when the person is just talking for the sake of talking or to fill in silence. I am happy to sit in silence but I realise that people are uncomfortable with saying nothing.

I have found that to fit in with the world in general I have to talk  not just sit there. I do abhor 'small talk' however I've learned that small talk often leads to 'big talk'.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The introvert/extrovert tandem relationship can work very well. It is important in the overall aspect that trying to change say the introvert into an extrovert or reverse will lead to frustration more than anything. If you both understand each other and play the strengths it makes for a good team. 

My stbx was very extrovert and I am introvert and it worked well, at social gatherings, new situations she was always more engaging in conversations with people, I could sort of sit back and listen, get a feel for the people, get comfortable so to speak before I would become part of the conversation. I never had any great desire to be the center of attention and she would love to be. She had more friends on the surface than I, but mine would be much more committed and much longer in length. When we would have parties at home, I would do what I enjoyed, making the food doing the business end of the party and she would talk and have fun. 

We both enjoyed our roles and played to each others strengths and understood our weaknesses. In my business world the dynamic is very similar for me. The owner of our company is very extrovert, he does all the talking at meetings or business functions, I do the listening and actually figure the deal so to speak. We play to each others strengths and its quite successful. 

I do disagree that introverts have it based on some sort of fear. For myself I don’t really much care if people think I am a jerk or I am looking silly or embarrassing. I feel I express myself just fine as a person. I just don’t feel the pressing need to tell the whole world how wonderful I am like so many extroverts seem to want to. 

When my stbx left for another she left for an extrovert and they both clashed terribly, both wanting to be the center of attention. They both struggled to keep an identity as the more social, the more talkative, the dominant personality. It lasted 5 months before it imploded. Her next boyfriend was the same and that imploded quickly also.


----------

