# Confused



## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

Hi all

Hubby n I have been married for 13 years. We have one 10 year old child together and 2 children from my previous marriage that attend university and live outside the home. 

For the last 5 years our relationship has been rocky. In 2010 we separated due to an ea on his part (though he still says it wasn't an ea). At that time he said he wasn't sure he could forgive me for cutting him off when he wasn't working and therefore wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. When we reconciled he did the no contact and said he wanted our marriage to work. The problem is he didn't put the time or effort into it. I cycled between being too tired to out effort in and putting effort in. 

Things were ho hum for the next 2 years although he really didn't participate in our marriage. In dec 2012 he again told me the same story, didn't know if he wanted to be married, didn't know if he could forgive me blah blah blah. Come to find out there were some what I consider to be inappropriate messages sent between him and another girl. Nothing too serious but did say things like he wished he could hug her again. I never brought it up with him and perhaps I should have. He did tell me at that time that I was being hot and cold in the relationship. I agreed I was - but due to him not putting effort in and me cycling. We decided to stay together and again he told me that he understands what happens and forgives me. 

Fast forward to this month when he told me.... Get this.... The same thing AGAIN! I'm so frustrated. When I ask him if he wants to go to counselling he just shrugs. He says he's not happy. He even did the it's not you it's me thing. I don't even know what to think other than there got to be a new infatuation in his life again. He has been on facebook a lot more than normal. I asked him if there was another girl and he said no. But this coming from someone who believes that in 2010 he didn't have an ea. 

I told him again without him participating in the marriage were going to be in the same place again .... I'm going to cycle because it's hard meeting someone else's needs when mine aren't being met. 

I guess I'm bit sure if I should continue on this roller coaster or jump out. Also I'm not sure if he really is talking to someone else and if that even matters anymore? 

I know I have neglected to follow through with some things from our r like getting him to admit it was an ea - I kinda rug swept it and I'm still not sure why. I'm just trying to figure things out and move forward - hopefully with my h.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Could you clarify the emotional affair? You say he had one and he says he didn't. That must be a source of frustration. Also, it sounds like marriage counseling might help you both communicate. If you want it to work, you may need to stop "cycling".


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Him using facebook could be a sign of ann EA, but it could also be a sign that he is feeling lonely and disconnected from you.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

1. Start IC immediately, and if he agrees MC too. He also needs to be in IC.
2. Put a VAR in his car.
3. Ask him to give you passwords for all his online accounts.
4. Be strong.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

The ea was in 2010. He was emailing an ex gf of his from years gone past. Several emails a day. I would say upwards of 20 a day. He spoke of our marriage and told her he was contemplating divorce (but didn't tell me that). He agreed with her when she said she's never felt love like theirs before. He agreed that they had a. Great connection and that he hasn't been happy in a long time. He would tell me he'll stop talking to her and then continue on. There was plenty more said, but I'm sure you get the drift. 

He said that we didn't have a connection anymore and that talking to his ex was bringing up old feelings. They had planned to talk on the phone but that didn't happen. They did text, I just don't know for how long. I asked him to leave the home before the texting started. 

His version of the time was that he was seeking closure. I don't buy it. Yes, it's very frustrating to hear him say that he doesn't believe it was an ea. 

I have asked him if he would go to marriage counselling and he just shrugged. I have done ic after the ea as well as after the December incident. 

I do want it to work. How do I stop the cycling when my needs aren't getting met?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

d1nonle said:


> The ea was in 2010. He was emailing an ex gf of his from years gone past. Several emails a day. I would say upwards of 20 a day. He spoke of our marriage and told her he was contemplating divorce (but didn't tell me that). He agreed with her when she said she's never felt love like theirs before. He agreed that they had a. Great connection and that he hasn't been happy in a long time. He would tell me he'll stop talking to her and then continue on. There was plenty more said, but I'm sure you get the drift.
> 
> He said that we didn't have a connection anymore and that talking to his ex was bringing up old feelings. They had planned to talk on the phone but that didn't happen. They did text, I just don't know for how long. I asked him to leave the home before the texting started.
> 
> ...


He has checked out. There's not much you can do IMHO. Protect yourself financially and file for divorce. It's better that you move on now and find someone who will be there for you.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

He has said in the past he doesn't believe in counselling. I'm not sure how to make him attend ic or mc. 

The var in his car won't capture anything. He texts and uses his cell phone and not in the car. I don't have his facebook password and he won't give it to me.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

Financially I'm ok. I'm the major income earner in the home. 

If he's checked out why doesn't he say there's no hope? Why doesn't he move out? Why are we still cycling?

There's no way to get him to reinvest in the marriage?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this. Does he shrug when you mention counseling? That isn't an explicit no. You should schedule an appointment and demand that he go. The alternative is to continue what you are doing until something miraculously changes, or one of you file for divorce (or he cheats on you again).


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

d1nonle said:


> Financially I'm ok. I'm the major income earner in the home.
> 
> If he's checked out why doesn't he say there's no hope? Why doesn't he move out? Why are we still cycling?
> 
> There's no way to get him to reinvest in the marriage?


Because he is a cake eater may be. He wants the security of a home while also having the thrill of chasing the taboo on the side.

You cannot control others. You can only control yourself.

Also, why will you be so desperate? You need to respect yourself more. If he doesn't want to stay, why chase? Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

I appreciate the comments and help. Thanks different guy and life. 

He does shrug when I mention mc. He hasn't come out and said no. I'm not sure how long to give it before I discuss our situation again and ask him to go to mc with me again. 

I'm struggling emotionally continuing what were doing. I'm not sure how long I can play this game with him anymore. There are points when I get so frustrated I just want him to go and other points where I love him dearly and just want him to hold me. 

I will not accept another ea in our relationship. That's a deal breaker for me. There will be no separation it will be straight to divorce.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you know if the 2010 gf from his past is mareied?

What makes you think he ever stopped the "connection". You yourself said he admitted that he had feelings for her. 

And nobody invests 20 msgs/day for the sake of 'closure'.

20 msgs/day = closer not closure.

I think it's very likely he's taken his communications with the old gf underground. What makes you think he doesn't have a burner phone or phone apps to hid texts?

People do fall out of love and if that's the case, then that's the way it is.

What about you? Why did he accuse you of cutting him off when he lost his job?

If it's true, then it's another symptom of lovelessness.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

I would like our marriage to work but I won't fight another woman for it again. I do believe that marriage is a commitment and running at times of struggle is way too common in marriages today. 

It's not that I don't believe in divorce but I believe in marriage and doing everything I can to save the marriage. At least if it's over I can say I tried everything I could. I have to answer to both myself in the mirror and our children.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

The gf from his last was in a committed relationship when they were communicating, she then married and divorced. She's a serial cheater always has been and always will be. I know how they were communicating and I can access those and there's nothing. So it's not her....but it could be anyone really. I did tell him that I guess I still have issues with the ea since I automatically thought there was someone else. 

Maybe he's wanting me to be the one to make the decision of divorce? Instead of doing it himself and being perceived as the bad guy?

About me cutting him off.....it's true. he wouldn't talk to me. I tried talking to him about things and he would walk away. He wasn't working, refused work when it was offered, and I did treat him like he didn't exist because he made it that way. He hid out and played video games till all hours of the morning. I was tired of going up to see him and being ignored. Our family was suffering financially at that time and it appeared to me he didn't care. I have apologized for the way I was and have figured out different things I could do if that were to happen again. He says he understands why I did it but it's his beliefs that shouldn't happen. I get it. He doesn't see his part tho.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

d1nonle said:


> About me cutting him off.....it's true. he wouldn't talk to me. I tried talking to him about things and he would walk away. He wasn't working, refused work when it was offered, and I did treat him like he didn't exist because he made it that way. He hid out and played video games till all hours of the morning. I was tired of going up to see him and being ignored. Our family was suffering financially at that time and it appeared to me he didn't care. I have apologized for the way I was and have figured out different things I could do if that were to happen again. He says he understands why I did it but it's his beliefs that shouldn't happen. I get it. He doesn't see his part tho.


OK I get it now. And given his behavior at the time, you did the right thing.

It looks like you are bailing water from a leaky boat while he punches more holes in it. I recommend doing the 180 for your own benefit for the time being. 

It's linked on my sig line below.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

Thanks for that link walkonmars. I will look into it. 

Should i pursue the fact he may be engaging in another ea or should i just leave it because it doesn't matter or wont make a difference?


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

It appears you are already separated. is their any respect in your home?I don't see where either one of puts for much effort.put your foot down. grow a set.stick up for your self AND your kids. do you want them to grow with your marriage as an example for when they get older? somebody light a fire under you. time to get moving!!!!! if you don't know what to n,drag his a** to mc. you asked ,he didn't say no, make the appt.time to get moving. we are here to encourage you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

d1nonle said:


> Thanks for that link walkonmars. I will look into it.
> 
> Should i pursue the fact he may be engaging in another ea or should i just leave it because it doesn't matter or wont make a difference?


Usually I'd advocate pursuing more info. But in your case I think a solid 180 will do you much better. 

The 180 type behaviors aren't designed to get him back. They're designed to make you stronger. 

However, it's often the case that a stronger appearance is more attractive. Stop pursing.


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## d1nonle (Apr 2, 2010)

Thanks for your comments and support. 

Please don't misinterpret my posting my story on TAM as weakness. Or my wanting my marriage to work as weakness. I do not, nor would i ever, beg or plead for my marriage. I am not weak. I have more self worth than that. I have asked him to leave the home before and would do so again. I don't chase him around the house begging him to talk or hover or dote over him. 

My children don't see a bad marriage. No one does. I am very aware of children's perceptions as I work in child protective services. We're good at masking our disfunction. After this many years were pretty much pros. 

The fact is I'm tired of living in this roller coaster marriage and am looking for support on how that can change or if change is even possible.


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