# STBW wants me to not come here anymore.



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

*WW wants me to not come here anymore.*


She says that I need to not come here when I trigger. She doesn't get it....I trigger 3 times a day. Coming here and helping others and getting advice and feedback helps a lot. So I told her she has to go back in time and stop herself or erase everything from my brain. Then she stops, cries, says she is so sorry and leaves the room. I don't want her crying, her pity, or her sorrows. They mean nothing to me because the images in my head are more powerful than she could possibly know. She knows I will never trust her the same again and she knows it. She said it will be a constant reminder to her the rest of her life. Either way I told her she will not tell me what to do after what she put me through. I will NEVER do what she did but I will not ever let her lecture me or tell me what she thinks is inappropriate. I think she gets concerned that I go out to lunch with co-workers that are female. In which I am always a professional and a friend and nothing more. But yet and I remind her that she is the one who invited "him" over to the house for "lunch' during her affair. I remind her that her choices are not mine and she has a hard time with it when it comes to trust because I trusted her so much. It has effected her so much that I do not think she can trust me because of what she did. I told her she should learn to deal with it and she does not get to have a choice. Will have to deal with that the rest of her life too. I then reiterate that she does not want to come and join my side of the party! But I told her if she cannot handle and face with how I have changed, then she is free to have that guy and go be with him. Then she says she only wants me. I heard that once before from her in front of family, friends, and a Church High Priest. Then 12 years later she has an affair and only when she gets rejected by "him" she comes back to me and tells me sorry, mistake, blah....blah....blah and tries to renew vows to me at a restaurant?! IT does not hold much weight in mine eyes. Trust is shattered FOREVER!!!! She will learn to deal with it or she can go to someone else if she cannot handle it and we will end it all. This is the new me and she must learn to accept it or leave it. I do not want it to end but I do not have to live by any rules when it comes to what she thinks is inappropriate. I may consider them but do not have any obligation as she has to learn to trust me. I cannot trust her but I do need her to trust me. Kinda crazy hearing it like that but that's what it is. She wants the "old me" back. He's dead and I can go anywhere online as I damn well please!!!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I guess that could be one thing to dangle in front of her. That you will not have a need to come on TAM once she has proven that she is truly remorseful and will do anything needed to win you back. Wild sex, open social media and electronic things, no online activities that you do not now about and have passwords to, never again delete an email or a text. 

You will need a lot of time AND her doing heavy lifting before you will feel amenable to stop worrying about the marriage. Around that time is when you will not need TAM any more


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

"trust shattered FOREVER!!!!" is a long time. Not arguing her side for you to vacate TAM. But Nothing, not a single thing she may do over time can ever re-establish even a shred of trust? Not arguing that that is not exactly the situation, but if, in fact, trust can never, ever under any circumstances in any way shape or form in even a small amount be rebuilt is there any reason, any justification, any possibility of any happiness or joy or mutual affection that suggests staying in such a relationship? If I could never, ever, under any circumstances have even a shred of trust in my mate, I think I would not continue that relationship.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Augusto

My WW pretty much feels the same way. She asks how can I heal if I'm forever looking at this site. I remind her why I found this site, what happened to my marriage that would lead me here? WW is very remorseful but what she did killed who I was. Friends and co-workers ask what's wrong with me but I deny that I've changed. I sit alone at parties and rarely communicate with people I come into contact with. I feel like I'm wearing a bullseye that I can't keep my wife happy enough to keep from cheating. I used to make people laugh and had people wanting to be around me. Now when I leave my house I can't wait to return so I can close the door to the outside world. 

So when she tells me I spend too much time here I answer with, I'm trying to interact with people. I'm trying to overcome the devastation that came through my door. Perhaps after enough sand trickles through the hourglass I will interact with people again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Stbw??? You're marrying her? Wow. Smh.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I liked your Post because from this post to the first ones alot of self reflexion and strenght was needed, I still think that in your case reconcilation is not the best action (precisely for the kind of sitatuion that you are experimenting that u have already mentiones in other of your posts before) but that is not my call.

you have reached an state that every BS, whatever male or female has to reach (or at least any who wants to heal) and that is the reality that their WS is not a need in their lives to go on, to continue living, that they can have a good life a without them, that they are not owners of your happiness and that if you want you can in fact do better.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My hub tried to tell me that I was just the same as he, talking with 'people' and could develop EA on TAM . He would say his ow listened to him and his issues the same as me on TAM. He would too say how can I move on when all I do is read about affairs... 

Well all I do is think what has happened to my marriage regardless if Im on TAM or not... It just never goes way... 

~sammy


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

It sounds like she feels TAM causes you to relive her infidelity more frequently than expected or bolsters your anger towards her. It seems as if your heart already gave up on the marriage. Maybe double-check yourself to see if you are not in a FR where your goal is to punish her. If she is genuinely remorseful and you stay just to punish her, it is just as bad as the usual FR by a WS.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Stick to your guns and the new 180. My wife doesn't know about this site, howver i do know one thing that is set in concrete.

She got busted having an affair, there are consequences for that affair.

The consequences are she does things my way and if she doesn't like it she can go jump!

Like your new attitude. The only way to gain back your self respect.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Stbw??? You're marrying her? Wow. Smh.


Yeah... I'm confused. Maybe he meant "STBXW", but that wouldn't make sense either since he said that he doesn't want to divorce.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Yeah... I'm confused. Maybe he meant "STBXW", but that wouldn't make sense either since he said that he doesn't want to divorce.


I'm doubly confused. OP She left you for another guy who rejected her and you took her back and she is your stbw? That has to be a typo.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

thx guys for the responses....I am doing great. She really is doing her best but knows she will always be on thin ice! I can live with that. A few weeks ago I posted a list of why I feel the way I do....well....ok it was more of a rant....but I have added "....I can do better" tagged after each item on the list. She knows it! Now. I also started going back to the gym. I was hampered by a torn rota-tor-cuff for months on end as well as losing my gallbladder. I lost it because I lost too much weight too fast which stemmed from her affair. I will be lifting weights again soon after I get my endurance up!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Stbw??? You're marrying her? Wow. Smh.





GusPolinski said:


> Yeah... I'm confused. Maybe he meant "STBXW", but that wouldn't make sense either since he said that he doesn't want to divorce.





Wolf1974 said:


> I'm doubly confused. OP She left you for another guy who rejected her and you took her back and she is your stbw? That has to be a typo.


Either way, he should at least consider his own advice...



Augusto said:


> UM.....this is NOT a marriage. She has stepped out bunches of times and you keep forgiving her because you want to stay married to her?! Grow a set and end it now. you are better off divorcing and letting her have the scum of the Earth. You do not have to live like this. Tell her you are done and file today!!


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I'm doubly confused. OP She left you for another guy who rejected her and you took her back and she is your stbw? That has to be a typo.


she tried to leave me and i did not know he rejected her until a week later....i had no idea


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> My hub tried to tell me that I was just the same as he, talking with 'people' and could develop EA on TAM . He would say his ow listened to him and his issues the same as me on TAM. He would too say how can I move on when all I do is read about affairs...
> 
> Well all I do is think what has happened to my marriage regardless if Im on TAM or not... It just never goes way...
> 
> ~sammy



yeah they think it floats away like a butterfly....this is not a dating site like "They" go to.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Augusto said:


> she tried to leave me and i did not know he rejected her until a week later....i had no idea


But you know now right....

She cheated on you. Told you you're her plan B and your going to marry her?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Calibre1212 said:


> It sounds like she feels TAM causes you to relive her infidelity more frequently than expected or bolsters your anger towards her. It seems as if your heart already gave up on the marriage. Maybe double-check yourself to see if you are not in a FR where your goal is to punish her. If she is genuinely remorseful and you stay just to punish her, it is just as bad as the usual FR by a WS.


not punishing anyone.....she either accepts me how I am or she leaves....its that simple. I love her deeply but I have had to grow to convince myself that I must be ready at any moment to become a single father.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> But you know now right....
> 
> She cheated on you. Told you you're her plan B and your going to marry her?


um....married to her for 14 years


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Augusto said:


> she tried to leave me and i did not know he rejected her until a week later....i had no idea





Wolf1974 said:


> But you know now right....
> 
> She cheated on you. Told you you're her plan B and your going to marry her?


Augusto, the reason behind our collective confusion is your use of the acronym "STBW" in the title of this thread... that stands for "soon-to-be wife".


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Augusto said:


> um....married to her for 14 years


Ok you put stbw. = soon to be wife. That was my confusion


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Either way, he should at least consider his own advice...


there is a difference here....that quote is in reference to another guy who's his chick already moved out and he is still trying to save the marriage while she is screwing some dude. She is not remorseful....mine is.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

wolf1974 said:


> ok you put stbw. = soon to be wife. That was my confusion


sorry....fixed it!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Augusto said:


> sorry....fixed it!



You did? Where? Can you just answer. Is she your stbw or stbxw or what?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You did? Where? Can you just answer. Is she your stbw or stbxw or what?


It's showing up as "WW" on the first page of the thread now, but not on subsequent pages or in the CWI index.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> It's showing up as "WW" on the first page of the thread now, but not on subsequent pages or in the CWI index.



Ah. Apparently it doesn't change on tapatalk. Weird.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Augusto, the reason behind our collective confusion is your use of the acronym "STBW" in the title of this thread... that stands for "soon-to-be wife".



Yes I changed it but it only shows in here not on the root site. oh well.....now subject only please.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Augusto said:


> Yes I changed it but it only shows in here not on the root site. oh well.....now subject only please.


Fair enough...



Augusto said:


> there is a difference here....that quote is in reference to another guy who's his chick already moved out and he is still trying to save the marriage while she is screwing some dude. She is not remorseful....mine is.


Again, fair enough, but _why_ is she remorseful? If OM were to call her today, proclaim his undying love for her, and beg her to leave you for him, what would she do?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Fair enough...
> 
> 
> 
> Again, fair enough, but _why_ is she remorseful? If OM were to call her today, proclaim his undying love for her, and beg her to leave you for him, what would she do?


No she would not because he burned her and broke her heart. She is angry at herself for hurting me, the kids, "his" kids, his wife, our marriage, and her reputation.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Augusto said:


> there is a difference here....that quote is in reference to another guy who's his chick already moved out and he is still trying to save the marriage while she is screwing some dude. She is not remorseful....mine is.





> she tried to leave me and i did not know he rejected her until a week later....i had no idea


You do understand the irony right?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Hi Augusto. I can relate. My WH has also in a moment of anger expressed resentment at the amount of time I spend here.

I look at it differently than you though. 

I'm very happy when he is able to express his feelings in our R, because it's an easy way we can get to the root causes of our dysfunctional relationship prior to the affair.

BUT, I would never allow him to dictate to me how and where I spend my time recovering. I do give him the courtesy of at least explaining WHY I spend some of my time here, but he also knows that it is entirely my choice to do so, and will continue to do so for as long as I feel the need to. 

In this regard, you and I are in complete agreement. 

So like your wife, he gets no say in the matter, but I DO allow him the freedom to express how he feels about it, because here we get the nitty gritty of our relationship. It's the fruitful ground if you like.

This can and often does, lead to some umm, err.....interesting conversations.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Mine to, same thing How will I trust her if all I read is about wives who cheated on their husbands and naplamed their families. I told her that I am learning how others as hurt as I am manage to deal with the pile of crap their marriages have turned into.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Augusto, did you ever consciously make the decision to either R, or D?

This decision is not something that has been foisted on you, which you are obligated by an unnappreciative spouse to have to deal with. It is a decision that you will come to for yourself, not for anyone else.

Don't feel that just because she is remorseful (even if its true, genuine remorse) that you have to recommit to a marriage which you truly don't think is right.

This site is here, for the most part, because the membership wants to have good, healthy fulfilling relationships, and we generally want that for others as well. I personally believe this is a healthy place for marriages, and if I had a spouse that felt this particular website, or any other relationship forums, was detrimental to the marriage I would seriously question her motivation behind that. What is she afraid of, that you aren't willing to sweep her sh!t under the rug?

One of the most usefule links I ever found, thanks to TAM, when I was post D-day was this one:

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights | betrayed but recovering

it was a summary that helped me formulate my own plan, helped me find clarity. Maybe it will help you sort through what you want from your marriage post dday too.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

To the OP,

Don't be dictated on what you should do by her. That said, do you use TAM as a weapon? As in, making sure she sees you posting and airing what she clearly wants private?

BTW, please break up your long original posting into smaller paragraphs, it will help readability.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Augusto,

You have given her the very generous gift of reconciliation, which is something I would not have done. Therefore, the reconciliation is on your terms, not her's. There is nothing more to say.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Augusto, I really get that you really, really love this woman - although why I cannot understand. Maybe there is a wonderful side to her (I really doubt this) or you have dependency and inadequacy issues - I don't know.

She had an affair and fell head over heels in love with the POSOM. This was no ordinary fog! She wished you would die so she could be with him. She replace his wife's pictures with hers in their wedding photos. She fantasised about having his surname. And she deceived and betrayed you and your kids in the most disrespectful way. Then he dumps her and she goes into "woman scorned" mode and *she* decides to come back to the marriage.

And you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that you were plan B. She dislikes him because he dumped her not because she fell out of love with him. I really believe that if he mounted a concerted effort, he could win her back. Of course she could do this again. And you know all this, and yet, you still "love" her!

And she feels entitled to tell you what to do and to forget about the past! She is a real piece of work.

So I agree with your wife in that you should not come here because you will hear this time and time again. You should come here in the future for healing when she does this to you again.

I truly do not understand your thinking and your actions.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I truly do not understand your thinking and your actions.


At times...neither do I!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Augusto, I really get that you really, really love this woman - although why I cannot understand. Maybe there is a wonderful side to her (I really doubt this) or you have dependency and inadequacy issues - I don't know.
> 
> She had an affair and fell head over heels in love with the POSOM. This was no ordinary fog! She wished you would die so she could be with him. She replace his wife's pictures with hers in their wedding photos. She fantasised about having his surname. And she deceived and betrayed you and your kids in the most disrespectful way. Then he dumps her and she goes into "woman scorned" mode and *she* decides to come back to the marriage.
> 
> ...


This is why I said irony. You gave advice, you yourself didn't follow, under the guise of "but she was still screwing the man." You were in the EXACT same situation at one point and you too her back. Then you tell Gus "but but but my situation is different, these words don't apply to me." No, you are a year removed and that's the only difference.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sure my WW doesn't want me coming on this site either.

I'm sure she doesn't like a number of things that have changed since she cheated.

But she hasn't mentioned it to me. Because she knows what I would tell her if she did. 

These aren't her decisions friend.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

It's really not up to her, is it?


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

ha. mine doesnt want me on surviving disaster sites!
:rofl:

heck, all i wanted to do was make sure our kids survived when the SHTF.

she doesnt know about TAM yet!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Next time she brings it up:

"It would have been pretty easy for me to have NEVER visited TAM."

Hard not to trigger when you're sitting in a house that she brought another man into to shatter your vows. Effing disgusting and thoughtless.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

*Re: WW wants me to not come here anymore.*



Augusto said:


> She wants the "old me" back.


That's rich. She wants the old you back, but she'll NEVER again be the old her for you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

*Re: WW wants me to not come here anymore.*



vellocet said:


> That's rich. She wants the old you back, but she'll NEVER again be the old her for you.



:iagree: Can't put it much plainer, or better than that. Right on the money.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

This is your outlet and SHE is the reason you are here.
As another poster said previously, I would be telling her as much and insisting she has no choice BUT to trust you if she still wants to be with you. SHE stuffed up not you. SHE needs to do the heavy lifting for a long while to earn any credibility back.
She needs to accept that you will do what you need to in order to help you through this mess. If she can't then it is reasonable to assume she does not want to make it through. I'd be telling her that too actually.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

*SHE* was *READY* to leave you for good to be with the *OM*. *HE* broke up with here. *THEN* she decided that she screwed up and wanted you back.

This will be the pattern. If you don't learn from you're past, you're damned to relive it.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

I wish you luck, as you are going to need it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> *SHE* was *READY* to leave you for good to be with the *OM*. *HE* broke up with here. *THEN* she decided that she screwed up and wanted you back.


Exactly his wife is using him as 2nd fiddle.

Best thing he can do is pull the chair out from under her and let her fall on her ass. Not be there for her to fall back on.
Then move on to better women.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Augusto, I really get that you really, really love this woman - although why I cannot understand. Maybe there is a wonderful side to her (I really doubt this) or you have dependency and inadequacy issues - I don't know.
> 
> She had an affair and fell head over heels in love with the POSOM. This was no ordinary fog! She wished you would die so she could be with him. She replace his wife's pictures with hers in their wedding photos. She fantasised about having his surname. And she deceived and betrayed you and your kids in the most disrespectful way. Then he dumps her and she goes into "woman scorned" mode and *she* decides to come back to the marriage.
> 
> ...


Holy Hallelujah! If that ain't the truth, I dunno what is...I had no idea she was this far out at sea! Damn! TAM is offering you the official lifesaver buddy! Do yourself a favor and take it! (P.S. I renege on my prior statement after reading the above quoted).


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think its right that you go out to lunch with females. I don't care if you are the betrayed party.

If you get to throw this in her face for the rest of her life and you get to flaunt boundries then she should be able to as well. Would you like that? 

if you don't like being plan B why don't you divorce her? 

I can understand why she doesn't like you coming here and based on your attitude she might be right.

are you actually helping anyone and are you actually healing or are you just keeping the wound open and maintaining a place to vent?

If your attitude about going out to lunch with women were different I wouldn't be saying this but the attitude you're copping just doesn't sit well with me.

her cheating doesn't give you the right to be an *******.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Augusto

Your pain actually oozes through your words and I'm sorry. We do well to practice moderation in all things and TAM is no exception. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to cease wallowing in the pain. I feel some time on TAM is helpful, but too much is wallowing. You'll have to determine what's right for you. Good luck.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Augusto dont let her guilt you for her mistakes.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Augusto,

You have some really good advice here. Remember, you are both hurting. If you want to reconcile, that's a decision both of you have to make. 

I can read your pain in your posts. Please get some counseling for yourself. 

As far as you being plan B, that can be said for any wayward who comes back. You can't know what she is thinking. You can only know by her actions, if she is sincere about wanting her marriage.

Remember, she has a right to be happy, too. She has a responsibility to herself first, just as we say in a good marriage. If she is not happy, she can't love you the way you'd like.

Careful how tough you are on her. Boundaries are different from harsh words and actions. Boundaries are different from nastiness and revenge.

Trust is earned. If you don't give her the chance to earn it, she never will. 

You really need counseling to help you cope. Your wife does too. She is hurting, whether you think so or not. 

As far as you going out with women for lunch while working, if you must have lunch with women because you are required for whatever reason, that's one thing. If you are asking them out to lunch because you want to hurt your WW, that's another.

Remember, boundaries are important. If she doesn't want you to go out with women for lunch, I think you should respect that decision, if it's possible without losing your job. If you have to go to lunch with women, you need to set some boundaries with your wife that will make her feel safe. Yes, your WW needs to feel safe.

At this point, you are hurting so badly, it's no wonder you are angry, resentful and vengeful. Still, it won't help a thing. It will only make things worse for both of you. Please consider that. 

Please learn to vent your anger and frustration in healthy ways and don't take them out on her. If you can't stop and you are in counseling doing everything you can to heal and get stronger, you may need to separate. 

Your WW does not deserve to be punished further. She knows she did something she is ashamed of doing. She needs counseling to heal also. Please help yourself and her heal, even if that means divorce to take you both away from the pain. That would be better than both of you suffering further.

Take care.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Exactly his wife is using him as 2nd fiddle.
> 
> Best thing he can do is pull the chair out from under her and let her fall on her ass. Not be there for her to fall back on.
> Then move on to better women.


That is exactly my whole point. There will not be a next time. Because I will not take her back if even a flinch of an eye looking to another man and its over. She will not have me to fall back on. I have some stipulations in place that if she still wants to be married to me then she will make changes from personal improvements as a mom, wife, and individual to changes in physical appearance.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Augusto said:


> That is exactly my whole point. There will not be a next time. Because I will not take her back if even a flinch of an eye looking to another man and its over. She will not have me to fall back on. I have some stipulations in place that if she still wants to be married to me then she will make changes from personal improvements as a mom, wife, and individual to changes in physical appearance.


No, his quote isn't your point. He is saying leave her now because she has PROVEN you were #2. You are saying "I'm going to wait around and see what happens, but I'm prepared for the worst." You both have to work at reconciliation, BOTH OF YOU. Going on lunch dates, as a form of revenge, is not you working on your marriage. Yes, I know some of us love to beat up on the wayward, but at a certain point you need to own up to the problems or leave.

Drawing a line in the sand for a forum, while going on lunch dates, and making her change her physical appearance reeks of revenge based payback which sets her up for failure.This is coming from someone who agrees you should come here and post.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, his quote isn't your point. He is saying leave her now because she has PROVEN you were #2. You are saying "I'm going to wait around and see what happens, but I'm prepared for the worst." You both have to work at reconciliation, BOTH OF YOU. Going on lunch dates, as a form of revenge, is not you working on your marriage. Yes, I know some of us love to beat up on the wayward, but at a certain point you need to own up to the problems or leave.
> 
> Drawing a line in the sand for a forum, while going on lunch dates, and making her change her physical appearance reeks of revenge based payback which sets her up for failure.This is coming from someone who agrees you should come here and post.


Sorry but there is no line drawn. We do work on it together. And I have had loads of lunch outings with coworkers and have never been inappropriate. I don't make her do anything. Even the councilor told her that I need to see a different woman all around. If she does not change some things, it will be a different woman but not her. She said it not me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Augusto said:


> Sorry but there is no line drawn.


 Sure there is or you don't get the meaning.




> I have some stipulations in place that if she still wants to be married to me then she will make changes from personal improvements as a mom, wife, and individual to changes in physical appearance.





> I told her she will not tell me what to do after what she put me through. I will NEVER do what she did but I will not ever let her lecture me or tell me what she thinks is inappropriate. I think she gets concerned that I go out to lunch with co-workers that are female.





> She will learn to deal with it or she can go to someone else if she cannot handle it and we will end it all. This is the new me and she must learn to accept it or leave it. I do not want it to end but I do not have to live by any rules when it comes to what she thinks is inappropriate.


These are lines in the sand. If you want to do them go ahead, but some of them are not conducive to reconciliation. 



> We do work on it together. And I have had loads of lunch outings with coworkers and have never been inappropriate. I don't make her do anything. Even the councilor told her that I need to see a different woman all around. If she does not change some things, it will be a different woman but not her. She said it not me.


While I believe the counselor said she needs to change, I'm not buying she commented on your wife's physical appearance, posting on a forum or going to lunch with women against your wife's wishes.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Augusto said:


> No she would not because he burned her and broke her heart. She is angry at herself for hurting me, the kids, "his" kids, his wife, our marriage, and her reputation.


Sorry but in my world that means squat. What that translates to is hello plan B I am back. 

Her pride will not let her go back but he will always be in her head. Sorry but it is the truth.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

RClawson said:


> Sorry but in my world that means squat. What that translates to is hello plan B I am back.
> 
> Her pride will not let her go back but he will always be in her head. Sorry but it is the truth.



Yes, that's so true. The fond memory of her lover will live within her the rest of her life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

aug said:


> Yes, that's so true. The fond memory of her lover will live within her the rest of her life.


If you honestly believe that she has fond memories of her lover that will live on forever, how can you possibly reconcile with her? I thought you said she is truly remorseful.

I'm confused. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

aug isn't augusto, the OP.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> aug isn't augusto, the OP.


Thanks for clearing that up Larry. Totally misread the name, no wonder I was confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Don't get walked on.

Dump her if she doesn't do exactly what you want.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

if he keeps behaving the way he's behaving she will dump him first. again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Augusto said:


> That is exactly my whole point. There will not be a next time. Because I will not take her back if even a flinch of an eye looking to another man and its over. She will not have me to fall back on. I have some stipulations in place that if she still wants to be married to me then she will make changes from personal improvements as a mom, wife, and individual to changes in physical appearance.


I see what your saying. But guess my head comes back to the only reason she came back is because the other guy rejected her. So the "next time" could likely be that she actually leaves for someone who will take her. Seems like an awful risk and you could likely be the only one hurt in that scenario


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> her cheating doesn't give you the right to be an *******.


Ya, it actually does. At least in the short term after having the bomb dropped on him.

Now long term and in a reconciliation process, absolutely not.

But right after dday when its all raw, he most certainly is entitled to be an ahole. Just not in the way of being untrustworthy himself.

He is entitled to anger and yes, some yelling. Now if THAT makes him an ahole, so be it. In the short term he is entitled.

Note, I know you made that remark based on him going to lunch with other women. I was just commenting on him having the right, or not, to be an ahole.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It's the women thing that bugs me.

he doesn't seem to want to forgive her while I can't blame him either he has to forgive her and try to move on or...


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> if he keeps behaving the way he's behaving she will dump him first. again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And if that is what she chooses, then that is what she chooses. I will prepare myself to be a single dad and she knows it. She created this new me and it is what it is. And for the record, I consider myself highly professional. I don't cheat and going out to lunch with co-workers of the opposite sex was fine with her before but because she cheated, she is no longer comfortable with it as she thinks I will take my turn. So tell me, why should I sever work ties because she has an affair?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> It's the women thing that bugs me.
> 
> he doesn't seem to want to forgive her while I can't blame him either he has to forgive her and try to move on or...


I am beginning to get the feeling your spouse has not cheated on you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Augusto,
> 
> You have some really good advice here. Remember, you are both hurting. If you want to reconcile, that's a decision both of you have to make.
> 
> ...


I really do not see Augusto "hurting her" or "punishing her further" or delivering "harsh words and actions" here - I see her regaining control.

I also see her hurting - but only because the "love of her life" dumped her.

I do not see "anger", "revenge" or even that much of "resentment" in Augusto - only fear that he may lose her again.

And sure, everyone deserves to be happy - but in her case only after she has shown remorse actively and sincerely for the destruction she wreaked on Augusto, else go be happy somewhere else and not at the expense of the only man who truly loves her.

And Augusto does have boundaries and sticks to them - he has already said that and more than demonstrated that by still being true to her - he has always had those boundaries.

I do not yet believe that she is "ashamed" of what she did - only regret that she got dumped and it didn't work out. We have yet to see real proof in her words and actions that she is truly ashamed and remorseful.

And yes, trust has to be earned, but what stunned me was you saying that Augusto needs to give her a chance to earn that trust!!! That he has already done this in Spades (after what she did and said to him) has got to be the understatement of the century!

So, given that 90% of what we do on forums such as these is an exercise in comprehension of what an OP is saying in what he writes, replies or asks, I really don't know where the content of your post came from.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I really do not see Augusto "hurting her" or "punishing her further" or delivering "harsh words and actions" here - I see her regaining control.
> 
> I also see her hurting - but only because the "love of her life" dumped her.
> 
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I really do not see Augusto "hurting her" or "punishing her further" or delivering "harsh words and actions" here - I see her regaining control.
> 
> I also see her hurting - but only because the "love of her life" dumped her.
> 
> ...


Don't be too stunned. I've been mistaken before. I've had different opinions from others. It's all part of life. I'm sure there was a reason I posted that. I likely felt sorry for her because I thought she was being treated very harshly.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

OP: FYI. My xw had an affair and ended up divorcing me and marrying the OM so I am not exactly in your situation.
DD was three years ago, and I still come to TAM almost daily to read, comment and contemplate and yes, sometimes to trigger. But all of it, even the triggering is part of the healing process, IMO. 
I read here both sides of the argument and see validity in many of the points, on both sides. That being said, she has no right to dictate to you how you are going about healing, as long as you are healing. 
All I wanted when I found out about the A, was my wife. I loved her more than anything, but now I think her leaving was by far the best. I don't have to see her (haven't for 2.5 years) deal with her $hit. Don't be afraid to pull the "get out of my life" trigger, while it was the last thing I wanted, actually turned out by far the best, of that I am sure. (I am learning everyday still, as this is the first time I have actually said that her leaving was for the best and really meant it...wow!) To give up TAM is to give up a very important tool in getting your head on straighter, a bandage that allows the hurt to scab over. It will never go away, but hopefully it will become less and less noticeable. God Speed friend!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I know it sounds hard hearted but after reading this thread I'm glad that I lived with the rule that id you cheat, it's a deal breaker and it's over and done with. No excuses or pleading. It's done and their gone. I wont live a life that my home life is full of doubts always having the back stabbing on my mind. 

It's a hard enough world out there to begin with when you go home at night, you should be able to close the door and have some peace, but when you have to come home and face the person who stabbed you in the heart, it's a no win situation.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

*Re: WW wants me to not come here anymore.*



Augusto said:


> ...She knows I will never trust her the same again and she knows it. She said it will be a constant reminder to her the rest of her life. Either way I told her *she will not tell me what to do after what she put me through...*
> 
> *...I will not ever let her lecture me or tell me what she thinks is inappropriate. *
> 
> ...*I do not have to live by any rules when it comes to what she thinks is inappropriate.*


Augusto,

Remember that scene from _"Ricky Bobby"... _ _"*Get your Balls back Daddy!"*_

I believe you succeeded.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: WW wants me to not come here anymore.*

The right answer is to forgive or divorce. Staying is miserable for both of them.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Guys and Gals.. 

If you think your words will "wake up" Augusto its not gonna happen.

Yes he does sound a bit co-dependant and sounds like a man thumping his chest.. But it is what it is. His wife might be remorseful. Though it does read as if she came back to him after she got dumped, thus him being plan B.

Being in his shoes at one time I can tell you its not easy pulling the plug and was extremely co-dependant myself. You just don't see it, until you see it. I wished I was stronger than I was, but I wasn't.. You can't blame him either. Again it is what it is at this time. Hopefully his wife has seen the light and has changed. If not we do what we always do and give him the support he needs to move on.

What I can tell Augusto is this.. Try to take some time and imagine the best you can your wife coming in and telling you she is leaving.. I mean honestly imagine it.. Imagine your home being quiet when you wake up in the morning with no kids or wife there..

Augusto, what I can personally tell you is, I did the same thing as you.. I yelled. I pounded my chest and strutted my rights as a man and domestic partner. 

In the end when she said she was leaving me after a fake R I was crushed to say the least.. I was suicidal and fell to pieces.. I couldn't cope with my personal life, let alone my work. There was time where I wished I didn't talk so much sh!t to my Ex and break her balls too much. I told her several time to leave and she finally took me up on it. 

But in the end it was the best thing for ME.. Like many things you don't see it because you are at ground zero at the time. But I don't know if that is you. 

I will agree that I can honestly say that there are times that this place has been a trigger to me. I still reel with insecurities and my mind wanders into fantasy zone with my G.F.. Sometimes reading some of these threads fuels my craziness and I can tell you honestly there were times I would read a thread here.. Think about a what if scenario with the G.F. and then go over with an attitude. I would be distant and annoyed.. She would pick up on it. Sometimes it would start a fight and other times she was smart enough to ignore it or pull me off the ledge.. 

So my advice is as follows

As much as it sucks, please, please make sure she is there because she wants to be there and not because your plan B.. I was plan B several times for my Ex wife.. It wasted many years of my life that I didn't have to. Even if you have to admit you love her regardless *( I know that can be hard sometimes as it shows your weakness as well )*.. 

I can tell you today I am a VERY, VERY open man. I do minimal beating around the bush today.. I tell my G.F. exactly how I feel even if it deals with being insecure about things. She basically knows regardless of how much I might love her I will cut her loose. I openly admit I would be crying in my bedroom day and night without her, but I would cut her loose regardless if I had to. 

Oddly enough that is the one thing she loves about me. I show her emotions and she doesn't have to guess how I feel for the most part. Yes during trigger moments I try to control myself and keep it contained, but there are times I just can't help but tell her why I am snapping or freaking out. She is a great woman for understanding and still sticking with me. 

The second thing is be prepared for her to let you go.. Again I cannot express how crushing that was.. I was completely paralyzed.. As a active police officer and detective I was no desk jockey.. I was out in the streets making arrest.. I've fought with men. I fought hand to hand combat against a man with a knife.. I wrestled with men who had guns on them.. 

But my 5'8", 120LBS wife and mother of my kids completely subdued me when I realized she was really leaving me for another man. 

Again it was the hardest thing I had to do in my life and I didn't know how to do it or how to handle it. 

Today I have learned to what I did wrong and I am making sure I will not fall trap to that again. The big one was being co dependent.

Its great that she is worried about you and what you might do, but that can change at the wink of an eye and you better be ready for it. 

BTW, you will get over this.. I did the 3 other times.. It just goes away eventually and you realize they love you and made a mistake. At least that is how I felt it.. It was just something that eventually washes away from you. Yes you will have triggers but you will internalize them eventually for the sake of your marriage and family.. Its what we do.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

*Re: WW wants me to not come here anymore.*



clipclop2 said:


> The right answer is to forgive or divorce. Staying is miserable for both of them.


Or forgive, but still divorce.


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