# Going forward



## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Ive spent time since my last posts trying to figure out what to do. Reading lots of posts here have given me many things to think about. It's been over a month since my wife moved out and I've had lots of down moments, but I am gradually working my way up. I haven't talked to her for almost 2 weeks now and it has been hard not to pick up the phone. Trying to do NC.
I've realized that I need to concentrate on my happiness and work on my options to try to keep my home. That means quit thinking about what was and start on what will be best for my future. If that means a divorce, then that's what I face, even as it rips my heart open and brings tears to my eyes to contemplate that. 
There are so many here that have suffered more and longer than myself, yet still offer hope and advice to others. I hope that I can be as strong as them. 
My goal is to keep looking and going forward even if my progress can not be seen some days.


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## needhelp1976 (Apr 14, 2012)

Does no contact get you anywhere?


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

I don't know if it is getting anywhere or not. I really need to work on getting myself stronger. Thats why I do it. I love her so much and the temptation is huge to call her. But I hurt so much when I do and for a long time afterward. Is my no contact perfect? No. Do I hope that it will give me strength to shape my future. I hope so. 
I don't know if it will help change anything between us. That is really up to her. I want to save our marriage, but that takes the two of us working together.. It is very hard for me but I have to look at the possibility that we will never reconcile. I hurt inside everytime we talk, so to get better and stronger I need to not succumb to temptation and contact her. Hang in there. I will keep updating.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

I have read about the 180, no contact, etc. My personal feeling is that not talking doesn't really get you anywhere. My STBWH has not picked up the phone nor communicated with me for months.

I interpret the fact that he won't call me to sort all of this out as a form of punishment. I don't think that ceasing communications is the solution nor the answer. It's limbo.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

yellowsubmarine said:


> I have read about the 180, no contact, etc. My personal feeling is that not talking doesn't really get you anywhere. My STBWH has not picked up the phone nor communicated with me for months.
> 
> I interpret the fact that he won't call me to sort all of this out as a form of punishment. I don't think that ceasing communications is the solution nor the answer. It's limbo.


Sub,

You may be mixing cause and effect.

No contact likely isn't "the objective" in itself.

But, it can serve to allow you to observe and see things you've never noticed before.

Re-thinks and introspection are powerful tools.

If you continue to chase, chances are, you'll never even figure out why you're chasing.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Sub,
> 
> You may be mixing cause and effect.
> 
> ...


I probably am confusing cause and effect. Interestingly, this post of yours and the other one on self-esteem are topics that my counselors have touched upon.

Personally, I want to know what marital assets he is interested in, so that "we" can move on. I'm more than willing to reach a fair distribution, but if I don't know what he wants because he won't tell me, then... how can I move forward? It's because of this that I feel that he is punishing me, because he knows I want to get this sorted out.

For the last couple of years he has said and done things to push me away, and has not made efforts to maintain the relationship. This goes back to the "give without expectations," right? I think I get it!

I keep going to counseling and doing what I can to push forward. In some instances I've realized what people meant, yet I struggle with other concepts. Working on reaching more "aha" moments.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was your childhood like?

How about his?


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What was your childhood like?
> 
> How about his?


Mine: happy. I felt safe. I could be myself and was accepted. Everyone in my family is artistic, except for me. I felt like I didn't fit in, but they accepted me as I was and didn't force me into doing anything I didn't want to.

His: childhood trauma. Without getting too personal, it was in his immediate family - pretty serious stuff. He didn't tell me what happened to him until 8+ years of marriage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

That adds up.

You were taught to be nice - and when faced with someone for whom "wrong is right", you logically defaulted to being nice, but with expectations about the extra mile you were traveling.

He'll never see it.

He's not capable of it.

The only one who can fix him is him.

And, he likely has no interest in doing so.


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

I'm not trying to do the "no contact" to punish her for moving out. I'm just wanting to make myself stronger and to prepare for whatever lies ahead.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Phoenixrfa said:


> I'm not trying to do the "no contact" to punish her for moving out. I'm just wanting to make myself stronger and to prepare for whatever lies ahead.


My advice would be to get help - counseling, a good friend, someone that you trust that has gone thru this ordeal, etc. Seek some sort of support and avoid doing it alone. You are not the first one going through this. 

I didn't seek support early on. I wish I did earlier, but it's water under the bridge.

Taking care of yourself and preparing for the future are the right things to do - to include learning about your "legal rights."


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My H has literally dropped off the face of the planet. I'm sure he thinks that if he speaks to me I'll be upset and asking him to come back...but I don't give a t*ss any more and haven't for a while

I had to phone him because there's stuff we need to get done - he can't even change his direct debits from my account without being told 15 times

he was all shifty about what he'd been up to - I didn't even ask, I dont care! I just want to make a clean break and get him out of my life


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It is hard detaching and going nc when so many aspects of our lives are intertwined with our ex's and stbx's. Takes long time to separate everything. It's been almost a year (expedited since she signed an affidavit of adultery in order to speed the process) Yesterday I finally got around to separating our joint life insurance policy and remiving her as beneficiary... nice thing is it saves me $12/mo plus if I die now she is on her own (feels good to know she will not be rich if something bad happens to me). I made my son the beneficiary and put it in trust until he is 18. The real hard part of the decision was to who to entrust this to... the only person I'd actually trust with it is my ex's brother (who is/was his godfather). But that was creepy to me so I named my mom (whom I also don't trust with my son's benefit, but no one else I can think of).

Anyway, yes the cleaner the break the better.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

the solicitor told me not to do everything at once - just one thing at a time and eventually there won't be anything left to do

too impatient for that I guess

told H all the things I'd done in the last week to separate everything and what he needed to do - he was fairly speechless, really it's like he doesn't know me AT ALL


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