# Wife has lost interest



## konklin (Aug 10, 2017)

My wife and I have been married happily for over 15 years and together over 20. We have three wonderful kids, she stays at home... overall our lives are pretty good. But the last couple years, her desire for sex has dropped to near zero. We have sex roughly every 3-4 weeks, usually very quickly. She very rarely wants me to touch her, especially to bring her to orgasm. 

We do have our share of stresses. The kids are great, but put the expected sort of demands on our time and energy, between school, sports, instruments, etc. It leaves very little time for us. We do usually watch TV in bed before going to sleep, and we cuddle and the like during this time. That is genuinely intimate in a platonic sort of way. But we rarely have dates just the two of us (probably 3-4 times a year) and have only gone away together just the two of us twice since we had kids.

The lack of sex is becoming a stressor in and of itself. She knows I want it more and seems to feel inadequate and/or guilty. But I think those negative feelings just creates pressure in her mind which makes me less desireable. I feel we are on this negative cycle that I don't know how to break.

I've tried hard to make sure she knows I desire her for who she is. We aren't as young as we used to be, she's had three babies, etc. But I still find her as sexy as ever, I really do. For a while I was telling her that regularly plus doing things like buying her sexy things to wear, but that has broken down too. I think it is just increasing the pressure, and exacerbating some (I think fairly normal) body negativity feelings she has. So I've tried to just back off, and not talk about it, but when I do that, she gets upset and asks if I still want her. Then of course, I get frustrated because I feel like I can't win. When I'm telling her how beautiful and sexy she is to me, I'm creating pressure, if I back off, I'm being distant.

More recently this has taken a worrisome turn. She has started to get jealous of other women in my life (almost exclusively women I work with). I have zero desire to be with any other woman, and she doesn't actually suspect I'm cheating or anything. But she thinks I'm vulnerable to falling for temptation should it arise, specifically because our sex life is where it is. I have no idea how to respond to this. I would never ever cheat on her. I wouldn't do that to her or to the kids. And like I said, I legitimately do not desire any woman other than her. Yet this is becoming another negative cycle of guilt, pressure, and stress. And I can't realistically distance myself from these younger women based on my role at work. I'm not sure that would really make any difference to her anyway, since the problem isn't the women, it is her perception of the situation.

I totally get that her natural level of desire isn't going to be the same as when we were 21 and had no kids. I just want to figure out how to make sex a fun part of our life again and not this source of constant negativity. Would love to hear any advice from this forum.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@MEM2020

Welcome to TAM, brother.

I have one simple question. Is this problem deep enough that you see it eventually leading to the end of your marriage?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The problem is intimacy. You see it as one dimensional, but intimacy has many forms. There is emotional intimacy, and financial intimacy, and physical intimacy, and sexual intimacy. Increasing any one will lead to increasing the others. 

I see two glaring problems. Not enough couple time. And a television in the bedroom. I also think reading the book his needs, her needs would be helpful.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

More data required:

How old are your children?
Are you finished having kids?
Are you using birth control / or has one of you been fixed? If birth control what type?

If you fear loss of anonymity apply the following blur algorithm: Add or subtract a year to each child except the youngest. Age of youngest is relatively more important. 

Is your lack of time together due to financial limitations or your wife's insistence on constantly parenting the children?

Forget sex for a moment - and answer this - is your wife constantly deprioritizing you and your needs so that she can:
- focus on the kids and
- socialize / compete with her friends 







konklin said:


> My wife and I have been married happily for over 15 years and together over 20. We have three wonderful kids, she stays at home... overall our lives are pretty good. But the last couple years, her desire for sex has dropped to near zero. We have sex roughly every 3-4 weeks, usually very quickly. She very rarely wants me to touch her, especially to bring her to orgasm.
> 
> We do have our share of stresses. The kids are great, but put the expected sort of demands on our time and energy, between school, sports, instruments, etc. It leaves very little time for us. We do usually watch TV in bed before going to sleep, and we cuddle and the like during this time. That is genuinely intimate in a platonic sort of way. But we rarely have dates just the two of us (probably 3-4 times a year) and have only gone away together just the two of us twice since we had kids.
> 
> ...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would highly suggest counseling, because barring a medical issue or you’ve done something horrible to destroy the trust and intimacy, she should genuinely want to have sex with you. She should want to please you, and she shouldn’t make you feel like you are doing something wrong at work, because of her insecurities. She needs to take responsibility for her own feelings, and it doesn’t sound like she is. I’m recently married, and while I realize it’s still all very new, I can’t imagine shutting down my husband for sex week after week after week, and expecting to think this is a normal, healthy marriage. Unless there is something medically causing this lack of desire, or you have done something to come between the intimacy, she needs to figure out why she is rejecting you so often. That is her responsibility. This seems to be the one thing in marriages that some spouses feel they can ‘opt out’ of, and no further discussion is needed. No, she shouldn’t have sex when she doesn’t want to, but to rarely ever want to, and then get jealous (which I imagine causes fights with you both) is very unfair to you. I would suggest counseling.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My first thought was that the pressure of it all has gotten to her. I'm sure there's more to it than, that, but I do think that's the main sticking point.

For some people, it's extremely easy to get something into their head, and it nags at them until they realize the only way to get it to leave is to shut that part down entirely.

With something like sex, for example, arousal is rarely spontaneous, especially in women. It's often triggered by something, then it builds (quickly or slowly) then it's acted upon.

So let's say your wife reached the point where sex (or lack of it) was nagging at her constantly. Because of kids, stress, a natural lower libido, whatever. Then the only time the two of you may have been able to actually have sex during your day, she was just too exhausted, or not mentally there. But she knew she should be. So it becomes this cycle of knowing the ball is being dropped, but she just can't bring herself to want to have sex. Then she feels bad about it. And on and on and on.

So she shuts that part of her brain off. Doesn't think about it at all. Until she's at the point she's currently at - where sex is non-existent in her day-to-day life. It's easier on her mind that way.

So - pressure. As she's simply not thinking about it any more, it's almost being forced upon her when you bring it up, however often that is. That does nothing but create pressure on her. So it's a no-win situation for you both, in this regard.

As others have suggested - lose the TV in the bedroom, asap. If that's the only time the two of you have throughout the day to be truly alone, it's killing your potential sex life.

Second - stop bringing it up. And stop buying her sexy lingerie to wear. Buying things like that is only beneficial if she's into it. I've read about other husbands buying their wives sex toys, here on TAM, and I cringe every time I hear that. It's pressure - all of it is pressure.

What women want (lol, as if I actually know!) is for their husband to _actually_ desire them, and act accordingly. Not just talk about it. Definitely not complain (and trust me, even if you don't think you're complaining, it always, always sounds like you are). They do not want you to buy them lingerie or sex toys, because it's just more pressure to perform.

What it means to actually desire your partner is to take them. Not in the literal, caveman sense, but to ACT, not TALK. This requires confidence in you - which IS what women want. That, I know.

Ditch the TV in the bedroom, and ACT.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Disagreeing mildly with those who say to trash the bedroom TV, but in total agreement with the "getting proactive" part! 

What you two need is a nice, long vacation alone together. And if she won't, in any way, consider that, then I'd say that it's time for a rather lengthy "Come to Jesus Meeting" along with some life-altering counseling sessions!*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm a bit iffy on just removing the tv from the bedroom. it is entrenched in your routine. But it does need to be de-prioritized. Hey honey, it's been great cuddling with you , but it has also turned me on. I'm going to record this show so we can concentrate on each other now. A goal to eventually get that tv out of the room is appropriate if you can agree to it. 

Waiting for your reply . . . .


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What can be done to increase the dates? 3-4 times a year is not good. You need a lot of alone time. Can you find ways to get/swap babysitting in order to go on a date at least once a week? 
They recommend 10-20 hours of alone (no kids, no electronics) time a week. Every week. In order to maintain love.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

konklin said:


> I totally get that her natural level of desire isn't going to be the same as when we were 21 and had no kids. I just want to figure out how to make sex a fun part of our life again and not this source of constant negativity. Would love to hear any advice from this forum.


She has to WANT to fix her desire. You can help it along by trying to court her.

But remember that this is HER issue which is negatively impacting YOU.

I.E. You can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If she refuses then you have a choice to make. How important is this to you?

Enough to replace her with a woman who desires you or not worth it?

It's that simple. Weigh your options carefully and DO NOT let fear decide for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

konklin said:


> More recently this has taken a worrisome turn. She has started to get jealous of other women in my life (almost exclusively women I work with). I have zero desire to be with any other woman, and she doesn't actually suspect I'm cheating or anything. But she thinks I'm vulnerable to falling for temptation should it arise, specifically because our sex life is where it is. I have no idea how to respond to this. I would never ever cheat on her. I wouldn't do that to her or to the kids. And like I said, I legitimately do not desire any woman other than her. Yet this is becoming another negative cycle of guilt, pressure, and stress. And I can't realistically distance myself from these younger women based on my role at work. I'm not sure that would really make any difference to her anyway, since the problem isn't the women, it is her perception of the situation.


Your W recognizes this could be an issues but does nothing about it? You are left to figure it out? Your W has a great perception of things not happening at your place of employment but has no grasp of how to fix the very real issue at home. You can't fix her. Your W needs to want to change. It appears your W is not interested in changing or working on the sexual aspect of your marriage.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think that many men here realize that most women will not want sex if you dont have any alone time. 

It's not a fault or something she is doing bad. It's just the natural effect of not having that connection anymore. We need that. It is very much tied in to a sex drive.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I think you have a classic case of your marriage fell to the bottom of her priority list. The kids and being the best mom possible have risen to the top.

I know, BTDT. I could not get my wife to go on a date for years. Forget about going away for a weekend with out kids, she couldn't leave them to someone else. I literally had to trick her into going away. Until she realizes that her marriage should be at the top of list, nothing will improve!

Try explaining that she is setting a poor example for her children. She is teaching them that you and your marriage are not as important and your kids will learn to treat their spouses the same way someday.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Stop having sex at all. If she only offers starfish / duty sex, turn it down. Do not give her the ability to pretend sex is happening and the marriage is OK. Make it clear to her that there is a problem and that you will accept nothing less than her full participation in sex or there will be no sex at all. Took me 20 years to figure that out. Learn from what the rest of us have experienced. If you are willing to let her give you quickies and never anything else, you are a selfish prick who doesn't love her. Starfish / duty sex is NOT better than nothing. It is light years worse than nothing. Another lesson that took me 20 years of starfish and 2 years of no sex to learn. You are welcome.

As for prioritizing the kids, tell her exactly what Dr. Phil and Oprah tell their guests when faced with this issue: what is best for the kids is that their parents stay married. Period. Full stop. If she thinks soccer practice and ballet lessons are more important than keeping her husband happy, she will eventually discover she is mistaken. If she thinks she can put the kids first for 18 or 20 years and have a husband there to be with her for the empty nest years, she is also mistaken. "Grey divorce" is on the exponential rise. You might be willing to stay technically married because grey divorce is expensive but you won't love her and you won't be there to support her emotionally when the kids are gone and she has this huge empty space in her life and she wants you to help fill it. You will tell her to go shove off, and you should. And that will be exactly what she deserves. The single most important thing she can do for her kids is to keep her husband happy to be married to her. She needs to not exhaust and completely deplete herself during the day so she has something left nights and weekends to devote to her husband. That isn't depriving the kids, that is doing what is best for the kids. She wouldn't let the kids eat boxes of candy all day even if that is what they most wanted, and she shouldn't exhaust herself catering to their needs either.

All the recent studies show that kids are better off with Dads in their life on a daily basis. What is the best way to ensure that Dad is NOT involved in his kids daily life? Stop having sex with him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Ask your wife to do some reading.

https://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/

Cut out some time to spend one on one with your wife.

Take kids on weekends & go do something. Ask if she wants to come along, but otherwise give her some time by herself.

If you feel this will eventually blow up your marriage, join a gym and start lifting weights. When she asks why your working out so hard, tell her your working on your end to towards having a better sex life, then ask her to work on her end. (start light, get to lifting heavy) To avoid losing time with the family, find one of the national chains that are open 24 hours. I usually go at 5 am, well before any of the family is up.

Pickup the book The 5 Love Languages and both you and wife read it & take the quizes.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by yourself for yourself.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> If you are willing to let her give you quickies and never anything else, you are a selfish prick who doesn't love her. Starfish / duty sex is NOT better than nothing. It is light years worse than nothing.


I agree with most of what you said but frankly I don't agree with this statement.

_Let her give you quickies?_ You sure do take on a lot of responsibility for HER body.

Where is the accountability? I agree you should stop having sex rather then duty sex.

There is plenty of blame to go around but it's not YOUR job to make her desire you.


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## allforone41 (Aug 10, 2017)

To the OP:
I rejoined TAM in order to put my issue out there, but your post was so well written and it hit my points so well, that I decided to follow this thread instead of posting my own story.

I too, did everything you did in order to figure out what was going on. The experts say:
- be attentive, show you care outside of the bedroom: Well I've always been attentive and caring, so stepping that up wasn't hard. She noticed the extra attention, and decided that it was meant to put extra pressure on her, such as, "I can make an effort, why can't you". Didn't work.
- back-off, give her space: Her reaction? "Finally, I don't have to deal with that anymore"
- discuss openly and honestly: She didn't see the problem. In fact, if there is a problem, it's with me because I just don't seem able to let it go.
- counselling: not a chance. She says, why waste money telling someone else your problem? In fact, in her mind, A) we don't have a problem and B) I'm not discussing my personal affairs with a stranger.

My reaction throughout was disappointment, rejection, anger, and depression. Her reaction to my reaction? At best, a few morsels, "fine, but I'm not going to bother participating". At worst, a dismissive "Get over it".

There's a comedian who does a bit on this sort of situation. He says (to guys), when you're out with your significant other, only one of you knows if there is going to sex tonight. And it isn't you.

Which is to say, that there is something there and she's not telling you.
All of the suggestions and planning and counselling will not get to the truth unless she wants you to know it.

I can only relate my situation and hope it spurs some thinking on the subject. After 20 years, my wife finally told me why she has withheld physical intimacy from me. She disliked some comments my mother had made early on in our marriage (my 2nd, her 1st), and I've been punished for it ever since. There has never been any outward signs of anger or animosity between them, no hint of what was below the surface.
I told her that a women was recently convicted for drugging and strangling her husband, and stuffing him in a suitcase and then thrown into a dumpster. This women was sentenced to 20 years, after which she will be set free. I was convicted and sentenced with no opportunity to defend myself, to a lifetime of a cold-shoulder from my wife, without my knowledge and for something I didn't do. Something that could have been dealt with if she had been open with me. That's just her, your wife may have something else bothering her, but only she knows what it is.

She used every excuse in the book to push me away: too tired, too late, financial issues, work pressure, climate change, our son will hear us, you name it. I endeavored to remove all roadblocks, but it was a waste of time, because she would not be honest with me. 

Is the issue with my mother just another excuse, one that is unfixable, so she's able to nurse it forever? Perhaps, but only she knows.
Does your wife have something up her sleeve she can use to put up that insurmountable wall? Who knows. She may be trying to come up with something right now to deflect your next move.

No, I'm not trying to make this out to be a contest, nor is it about sex. It's about openness and caring and one partner's genuine desire to show love and affection towards the other through physical intimacy, and the other partner unilaterally withholding or blocking those intentions without discussion or reason. Thus, the first partner legitimately seeks to resolve the issue in any way possible, while the other partner seeks to prevent resolution.

Another personal opinion: 
Who wins? No one. 
Who loses? Everyone. 
Why? Don't know. 
I don't know, I just don't know.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

allforone41 said:


> Is the issue with my mother just another excuse, one that is unfixable, so she's able to nurse it forever?


That's what it sounds like. People who feel like having sex find ways to have it; those who don't can find innumerable nails to hang their refusal on. When inspiration returns, suddenly none of it matters.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

allforone41 said:


> To the OP:
> I rejoined TAM in order to put my issue out there, but your post was so well written and it hit my points so well, that I decided to follow this thread instead of posting my own story.
> 
> I too, did everything you did in order to figure out what was going on. The experts say:
> ...


You sir have analyzed your situation thoroughly. Really, something your mother said years ago? How the hell does she justify what she has not done for you all these years? For me, sir, the mother said this excuse would be enough for me to consider moving on.


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## allforone41 (Aug 10, 2017)

As a typical guy who willingly tries to fix everything, who is certain he can fix everything, where failure is not an option, coupled with the worst 4-letter word in the relationship realm: "optimistic", there is no giving up.

Yes, the shunned partner will accept pity sex, because it still provides closeness. But eventually he/she will realize that it's empty. Then they'll get angry and retaliate by withholding their affection, walking out or seeking solace outside the relationship. Extra-marital affairs are not usually about the sex - everyone should know that by now. They're about something deeper that is missing. Absent closeness and affection, a partner may seek it somewhere else, and sex is simply the delivery mechanism.

Also, before asking why accept less than total commitment or reciprocation, ask why a battered spouse stays with the abuser. It's because they believe that deep down the hitter still loves them and if they could just find the key to unlock that love, everything would okay. Or worse, they believe that it's their fault and if they could just find out what it is they did wrong, they will find the path to happiness.

Withholding affection is certainly not the same as physical abuse, but the parameters are the same, are they not?

This is what I believe the OP is doing, and what I've done. Finding and removing roadblocks, setting up pleasant scenarios to distract from the daily grind, coming up with decent and meaningful alone time, being spontaneous and showing love and affection unexpectedly. Yada, yada, yada.
All the books, counselors and experts say the same thing, and I believe it to be true. But the recalcitrant partner HAS TO CARE enough to return the effort. If not, all the talk and bright ideas, all the apologies and promises to do better, all the sucking up in the world won't amount to a damn thing.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think that many men here realize that most women will not want sex if you dont have any alone time.
> 
> It's not a fault or something she is doing bad. It's just the natural effect of not having that connection anymore. We need that. It is very much tied in to a sex drive.


The problem is that this sort of assumes that the husband is responsible for the lack of "alone" time.

I believe that it is often, if not usually, the wife that prevents the "alone" time. The anxiety about having too much to do, the need to devote herself to the kids, prioritizing children over the marriage, not to mention that if they have some "alone" time, he'll just try to have sex with her.

She has to want the alone time.

I'm not sure that's usually the case.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Buddy400 said:


> The problem is that this sort of assumes that the husband is responsible for the lack of "alone" time.
> 
> I believe that it is often, if not usually, the wife that prevents the "alone" time. The anxiety about having too much to do, the need to devote herself to the kids, prioritizing children over the marriage, not to mention that if they have some "alone" time, he'll just try to have sex with her.
> 
> ...


It's not necessarily his fault but it's something that needs to be fixed before just looking to fix the sex. 
Lack of sex is usually just a symptom, you have to treat the cause. 

Alone time would be dates, recreational activities. Away from the home. He should also not be trying to put a date in the vending machine and get out sex. The purpose is to re-build love, with that naturally comes sex. 
Re-building can take time and consistency. 

20 hours a week at first to re-build, maintaining at 10-15 hours a week.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

konklin said:


> My wife and I have been married happily for over 15 years and together over 20. We have three wonderful kids, she stays at home... overall our lives are pretty good. But the last couple years, her desire for sex has dropped to near zero. .....


She doesn't want to have sex, yet needs to feel that you desire her. 

All women want to feel desired by their man, so that's not unusual.

She used to have a spontaneous desire for sex.

Now, she has, at best, responsive desire (google it).

She probably feels that there's something wrong with her because she no longer has the spontaneous desire she used to and thinks it's 'normal' to have (hence, the pressure). The only way she can cope is by trying not to think about it.

This happens all the time. There's the hormonal changes of childbirth and nursing; being a 'Mom' instead of a 'Wife'; body image problems.............

For women like her, responsive desire is normal, she is not broken.

She needs to understand her responsive desire and learn to work with it.

What's going to motivate her to do this?

You. You have to let her know just how big of a problem this is for the marriage.

Then, if she understands how unhappy this is making you and how dangerous this is for the marriage and still doesn't do anything about it, that's a problem.


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## allforone41 (Aug 10, 2017)

Buddy400, you make excellent points, but aren't these things mutually exclusive?

I apologize again for sounding negative, but:
"She doesn't want to have sex, yet needs to feel that you desire her."
"My desire for you extends beyond the physical. It's only one of many things I do in order to show my love for you. You are and always will be the light of my life and nothing can diminish or take away the beauty that I see in you"
"Wow, where did you get that line from, the husband's manual on getting laid?"

"She used to have a spontaneous desire for sex."
"When I see you, it reminds me of those times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Ever since then, and more so now, I can't be near you with feeling the urge, no, the need, to touch your arm, kiss your neck and taste your lips. I can, I will, do anything for you in order to recreate those times."
"Why does everything have to lead to sex? Why can't you just say I'm pretty without somehow linking it to sex." (writer's note: I didn't say anything about sex, did I)

"Now, she has, at best, responsive desire (google it)."
"Fine, whatev, just hurry I'm got an early meeting tomorrow"

Buddy400, I am NOT putting down your response. I repeat, I agree with you 100%.
All I'm saying is that he is being presented with mutually exclusive statements, without a road map, and he is just going to keep crashing into that wall - you know, the one that keeps moving. That's all I'm trying to point out with that hypothetical dialogue.

Here's my position: she's gotta wanna do it. 
Not the sex. She's got to be willing to overcome her reluctance to overcome the problem.
Remember, the first step towards recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Many of the suggestions above (and what I've done for 20 years) are in reality attempts to get her to admit there's a problem. If she admits, then she'll have to do something about it. 
And she doesn't wanna.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

allforone41 said:


> To the OP:
> I rejoined TAM in order to put my issue out there, but your post was so well written and it hit my points so well, that I decided to follow this thread instead of posting my own story.
> 
> I too, did everything you did in order to figure out what was going on. The experts say:
> ...


Why would you stay with this awful person?

All you guys stay TOO LONG. Once you go to counseling and it ain't getting fixed, I say it's on you, in the sense you KNOW it's not going to change. I am always shocked how much people are willing to put up with. Life is way to short...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

allforone41 said:


> Here's my position: she's gotta wanna do it.
> Not the sex. She's got to be willing to overcome her reluctance to overcome the problem.
> Remember, the first step towards recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Many of the suggestions above (and what I've done for 20 years) are in reality attempts to get her to admit there's a problem. If she admits, then she'll have to do something about it.
> And she doesn't wanna.


Absolutely. She has to acknowledge that there is a problem, and then she needs to want to fix it.

This is up to the OP to convince her that the problem is serious.

In my (not exactly the same) situation, I would have thought for certain that my wife understood the problem. When she finally did, she insisted that she never had,

I've read here many times where it turns out that the wife never really understood. Some wives just think the haggling about sex is a normal part of marriage.


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## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

It’s possible your wife may not know why she is losing interest in sex. It could be stress, she may not find herself desirable even though you say you still are attracted to her, or it could be on a hormonal level. I can relate to that and what your wife may be going through. I began losing interest in sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my husband; I had no desire for sex at all. I had no idea why either. I didn’t want my husband touching me because I felt guilty. He wanted sex and I couldn’t bring myself to his level. I didn’t want to make him upset. Even when we tried to have sex, I could only opt for a quick doggy-style because that was the less painful position. Having sex physically hurt. I was too dry. Eventually, I got to the point where I became afraid that if I don’t figure out why I had no desire for sex, my husband may stray. He assured me that he wouldn’t but I didn’t want to take that chance. That could be a possibility of why your wife is starting to get jealous of those women. I had a feeling my lack of sex drive was related to diet but didn’t know what about my diet was causing it. I started seeing a personal trainer who suggested I take whey protein shakes because I was not getting enough protein in my diet. Surprisingly, my sex drive started to come back and sex became less painful for me. I eat healthy, to begin with, the only real change I had to make with my diet was increasing the amount of protein I eat. In the end, my problem was on a hormonal level. This could be a possibility.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's not necessarily his fault but it's something that needs to be fixed before just looking to fix the sex.
> Lack of sex is usually just a symptom, you have to treat the cause.
> 
> Alone time would be dates, recreational activities. Away from the home. He should also not be trying to put a date in the vending machine and get out sex. The purpose is to re-build love, with that naturally comes sex.
> ...


This can become a tangled knot when trying to find a root cause. In my case, I bent my schedule around having time with her for years. Dates as much as possible, shows, movies, shopping together, just going somewhere to hang out. After years of that leading to an ever increasing decline in intimacy of all types, not just sex, but even being desired, I began to find ways to be happy in isolation. If the expectation from her side would be that, in order to fix it I now need to go back to spending all my time hoping she is equally interested in time _with me_, to rehash all of that emotion and rejection, I don't know that I can say yes to that. 

I don't put in dates and expect sex these days. If and when I put in a date, which is rare, it's honestly just to see if she enjoys the time together at all. Sex for us right now is like spotting a deer on the highway at night. It's startling and I have very little time to recollect what I'm supposed to do but am pretty sure most options lead to a wreck.


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