# I'm starting to hate my husband, please help!!



## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

We met thru facebook, dated and got married. He has an 8 yrs old daughter and I have a 7 yrs old son. We've been married a year now. 

The problem started out with him telling me that a wife comes and go but his daughter stays. Meaning I'm not as important as his daughter. To me, once married a husband and a wife "two become one", he supposed to be someone I trust my life with, someone I grow old with, over all the most important person in my life. Then kids that we both love and adore. 

He barely touch me, whenever I touch him he either pushed me away or complained that he has to work the next day. He works from 7am-3pm. That's not the only obstacle, he allowed his daughter to sleep with us, left my son all alone. Eventually, I learn to suppress my feeling and cried myself to sleep night after night. Not that we've never done it, we did it but it's all about him. When he's got what he wanted, he just turned away and sleep left me all alone. He said he afraid his daughter might hears us. So, I guess we're just not gonna do anything as long as she's here. Yes, maybe he hugs me but how is that gonna help me? He thinks that hugging and cuddling is enough for a married couple. 

When I first moved in I noticed his ex-wife pics were all over the house, I felt hurt. Yep, once again everything was for his daughter. I also found the wedding video DVD. At this point, I ask myself "what am I doing here?", "why am I interferring their live?". That's not enough his family started telling me how good his ex-wife was.

More and more, he was also involved texting and phone conversation with other women behind my back. I confronted him and he promised to stop. Nope, he didn't. He was still talking and texting but he deleted the phone numbers and texts when he's done. He would called me on the way home from work and rushed off the phone said he's driving couldn't talk. However, he called that girl and talked till he gets home. He can't call or having text conversation from work, that's what he told me, but he did all that with her. If I didn't check AT&T phone bill, I'll never find out. I was hurt, lost my trust and faith in him. That's when I started to hate him. 

No that's not all, my son found a letter written by his daughter saying how much she hated me and my son being here. She said my son and I destroyed her life. I've done nothing but nice and treated her like my own. At this point I lost my closeness with her, I still take care of her needs but I can't be close to her like I used to. I hate how she bosses my son around and being mean to him. As for my husband, he's not very nice to my son but he's not that bad with him either. He's sweet with his daughter but the opposite with my son. 

I also caught him messaging with girls on fb using words that only couple would use. And he has to check that girl profile every otherday...he has to know how she's doing. Why? She's not family. 

I tried talking to him, but he doesn't like communicating. He promised to change. However, our sex life suck...he cum then he just goes to sleep. Left me all alone...

That's how I come to hating him, not wanting him around...I know all he cares about is his daughter. Help me please!! I feel lonly and all I want is the relationship that a husband and a wife suppose to have. I feel so much pain and anger toward him and his daughter...I just want stab myself. I'm still waiting for all the promises he made me before we got married.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Heart broken said:


> The problem started out with him telling me that a wife comes and go but his daughter stays. Meaning I'm not as important as his daughter. To me, once married a husband and a wife "two become one", he supposed to be someone I trust my life with, someone I grow old with, over all the most important person in my life. Then kids that we both love and adore.


Absolutely not. The kids must come first. If you told me that you should come first and then kids that we both love and adore I'd leave you in a heartbeat.

Having said that it's clear that your relationship is seriously broken and his daughter has nothing to do with it. This is between you and him. I'm not sure what can you expect if he thinks you 'destroyed' his life.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Thanks for your replied. Based on your oppinion what is the caused of this broken relationship? FYI, putting the kids first ... I agree and thought so too, so I adjusted myself to his needs and his daughter's needs. And yes, always his daughter first...and somehow I feel no love or need from him. I feel like an intruder. Should I walk away?


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> *Absolutely not. The kids must come first.* If you told me that you should come first and then kids that we both love and adore I'd leave you in a heartbeat.
> 
> Having said that it's clear that your relationship is seriously broken and his daughter has nothing to do with it. This is between you and him. I'm not sure what can you expect if he thinks you 'destroyed' his life.


In my case, I would show you the door. I agree with OP. When you get married, it is the coming together of two hearts, souls and bodies. The two become one and should put each other above all others...including children. And please don't be ridiculous enough to think that means ignoring, neglecting or otherwise mistreating your children. As a parent, you should obviously cherish and love your entire family. 
Also, this is not an excuse for all spouses who beat their children and their partner just look admiringly at them while paying no heed to the evil behavior.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't know what putting the kids first means..... but alot of times it means spoiled kids!

parents are people also and ample time should be dedicated to both spouce and child.

if someone who has children remarries and then says their kids come first I would be pi$$ed. if thats how they feel. then they should wait until their kids are grown before getting into another marriage.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

If he choose to walk away, things would have been a lot easier for me. I hate feeling like an outsider. When a couple get married it is because of love in't it? That's what I want, that love...that feeling. Is it too late or is it inappropriate?


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Heart broken said:


> Thanks for your replied. Based on your oppinion what is the caused of this broken relationship? FYI, putting the kids first ... I agree and thought so too, so I adjusted myself to his needs and his daughter's needs. And yes, always his daughter first...*and somehow I feel no love or need from him. I feel like an intruder.* Should I walk away?


It doesn't sound as though he was ready for a marriage. Rather, he was looking for a bed partner and some adult companionship around the house. You need to assess what you both want out of this relationship and act accordingly.

I went back and reread your entire original post....you need to pack this in. This is not a marriage. Much of his behavior is totally unacceptable and if he has not had an affair yet, he will.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Chillymorn: You made me cry for saying that. I agree, and kept asking him if that's what he wants. Anything his daughter wants, she want a babysister he then wants a child, she want a house we bought a house. If only he tells me his true feeling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> That's how I come to hating him, not wanting him around...I know all he cares about is his daughter. Help me please!! I feel lonly and all I want is the relationship that a husband and a wife suppose to have. I feel so much pain and anger toward him and his daughter...I just want stab myself. I'm still waiting for all the promises he made me before we got married.


You are not going to get the relationship you want from this man...ever.

Why are you still with him? 

How old is his daughter?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> Chillymorn: You made me cry for saying that. I agree, and kept asking him if that's what he wants. Anything his daughter wants, he want a babysister he then wants a child, she want a house we bought a house. If only he tells me his true feeling.


He has told you his true feelings... look at his actions. Believe actions before words. This man does not want the kind of marriage you want.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm with him because of love and hope, thinking and hoping he'll change. I'm paying the mortgage and he pays the utilities. If I leave him it would be hard for him to afford this house. And I don't like leaving and starting with someone else...I want to grow old with this man. Only he'd shows me love. However, I'm ready to rethink things through...and open to any suggestion.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm lost and really don't know where to go.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Heart broken said:


> I'm with him because of love and hope, thinking and hoping he'll change. I'm paying the mortgage and he pays the utilities. *If I leave him it would be hard for him to afford this house.* And I don't like leaving and starting with someone else...I want to grow old with this man. Only he'd shows me love. However, I'm ready to rethink things through...and open to any suggestion.


As cold as it sounds, leaving him with a house payment is not your main concern (and really shouldn't be any concern for you and your son). I know that you are scared and don't like the idea of starting over but you are setting yourself up for a world of regret if you try to stick it out with this guy. You may want to grow old with this man, but he has anything on his mind but that. This relationship cannot be a one way street. It's not really a marriage.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Heart broken said:


> I'm lost and really don't know where to go.


Do you have family or friends that you could talk to?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His daughter is 8. It's really wrong for her to be sleeping in a bed with him, much less with the two of you every night.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

I've never scream/yell or abuse his daughter...or showing affection to my son in away that that would make her feels left out. I don't want her to feel like she's not part of us...anything she needs I make sure she gets it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you love someone who mistreats you? You love who you want him to be. Not him. 

What you want is for him to change to be the person you want to live your life with and be married to.

You cannot change another person. It's just not going to happen.

What you can do is change the way you interact with him.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to leave him. Then if he wants you in his life, he might realize that he values you and he might make the necessary changes. But you would need to not accept his first promise of a change and set up things so that he cannot fall back into being like he is now.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

He told me staight up to not talk to friends or family about our problems. I told him that his daughter needs to sleep in her own room. His replied was no its ok. Lately, she's is sleeping in her room...I hope it stays this way. However, he still the same way toward our sex life, cum and goes to sleep. Cause he work the next day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> I've never scream/yell or abuse his daughter...or showing affection to my son in away that that would make her feels left out. I don't want her to feel like she's not part of us...anything she needs I make sure she gets it.


She is like a lot of step children. Many, if not most, do not like their step parents and step siblings. 

Her father chose you. She did not want you around but he married you anyway. She does not want to love you or your son. She does not have to love you or your son.

What she does have to do is to treat the both of you with respect. 

It takes up to 5 years for a blended family to start working like a family. You are only one year into this. But you have a problem. Her father treats you with disrespect and with no love. So she is learning that it's ok to treat you with disrespect and no love. She will treat your son the same way she treats you.

You are allowing your husband and his daughter to mistreat you and your son. You are the only person in this world who your son has to protect him. And you are not protecting him. INstead he is being sacrificed because you want to live with a man and his daughter who do not seem to love you or respect you.

I know that seems harsh, but it's true.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Putting the kids first means....

If you are starving, the kids eat first.
If someone pulls a gun on you and says either your spouse dies or you kid, you choose the spouse to die.
You're freezing and have one jacket...you give it to your child.


Thats all it means to me. In those scenarios, i would choose my child and expect my wife to do the same.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

She disrespected me once or twice but her father talked to her, I used to be closed to her thinking she feels the same way...cause she wants hug and be next to me. Until I read her letter my son found. I was shocked. As far as her treating my son, it's better now. They play together now...I don't hear her using mean words or abuse his kindness as often as before anymore. Another pressure is my husband's mom and his family spoil her and she gets anything she wants one way or another.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> He told me staight up to not talk to friends or family about our problems. I told him that his daughter needs to sleep in her own room. His replied was no its ok. Lately, she's is sleeping in her room...I hope it stays this way. However, he still the same way toward our sex life, cum and goes to sleep. Cause he work the next day.


Not talking to friends and family about your marital problems is generally the correct. But when there are serious problems like what you have going on, you need a support system.

Could you pick one trusted friend and one trusted family member who can talk to. This would be someone who would not gossip to others about you problems and who would give you sound advice?

And/or you could go get individual counseling.

How old are you and your husband?

You have a job outside the home, right? So you can support you and your son.

Do you and your husband have joint bank accounts into which both of you put your income? Do you have access to the money?

I'm asking this to try to get a more complete picture of all that is going on.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

First of all, I absolutely understand how upset you must be when he said that "wives come and go but his daughter is constant". One of a woman's absolute needs is to feel cherished. To feel like she is the most special person in her man's life. I am not debating that "children come first", but I feel that is a given in almost every marriage that you would take care of the kids' needs first. I feel like your husband bluntly saying that was A) very rude and hurtful to you, as it is making you feel like he doesn't cherish you as a lifelong partner; and B) something he said out of a past hurt without thinking about it's effects on you.

Honestly, reading your situation, it 100000% sounds like he is completely NOT over his ex or over the past hurt, and it sounds like he carried over a lot of baggage into your relationship. The lack of affection, the bad comments, all of it sounds like he's having issues dealing with his past pain and taking it out on you (probably without realizing why he's doing these things). Even the issue of talking to other women sounds like he's "acting out" due to previous pain from his ex relationship. He's obviously not handling his emotions very well.

If you are not already too far gone to not try to help him fix things (which would be understandable, because he's doing some very unacceptable things) I would consider letting him vent completely about his feeling on his ex, good and bad. This is because you need to find out his HONEST feelings about his ex so you can determine your next step, and it sounds like he's not being honest with you, OR himself. You being open to these difficult feelings may be enough for him to open up to you honestly. Once you're both educated on just what kind of feelings you're dealing with, you can decide your next move. 

Personally i feel unless he's actually cheated, it may not be too late for your marriage IF he's willing to cooperate and help you eradicate these behaviors that make you so upset. And on your part, you could help him deal with his past pain and issues by being there for him and listen as much as possible. This would be incredibly hard to do, and it's up to you to decide if it's something you're willing to do.

If he's not willing, I do not feel like you should stay in this relationship, as he'll keep on using you as a scapegoat for his residue feelings about his previous relationship.

I am so so very sorry you are going through this, and I hope that things will improve for you very soon. I hope that he is willing to cooperate and let you help him heal from his previous relationship and forge a brand new one (sans baggage) with you and only you. 

Big hugs to you!


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Putting the kids first means....
> 
> If you are starving, the kids eat first.
> If someone pulls a gun on you and says either your spouse dies or you kid, you choose the spouse to die.
> ...


Yes, and I hope he'll do the same to mine.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Not talking to friends and family about your marital problems is generally the correct. But when there are serious problems like what you have going on, you need a support system.
> 
> Could you pick one trusted friend and one trusted family member who can talk to. This would be someone who would not gossip to others about you problems and who would give you sound advice?
> 
> ...


Yes, I can support my self...I do have access to our accout...not much in there though.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> First of all, I absolutely understand how upset you must be when he said that "wives come and go but his daughter is constant". One of a woman's absolute needs is to feel cherished. To feel like she is the most special person in her man's life. I am not debating that "children come first", but I feel that is a given in almost every marriage that you would take care of the kids' needs first. I feel like your husband bluntly saying that was A) very rude and hurtful to you, as it is making you feel like he doesn't cherish you as a lifelong partner; and B) something he said out of a past hurt without thinking about it's effects on you.
> 
> Honestly, reading your situation, it 100000% sounds like he is completely NOT over his ex or over the past hurt, and it sounds like he carried over a lot of baggage into your relationship. The lack of affection, the bad comments, all of it sounds like he's having issues dealing with his past pain and taking it out on you (probably without realizing why he's doing these things). Even the issue of talking to other women sounds like he's "acting out" due to previous pain from his ex relationship. He's obviously not handling his emotions very well.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your and everyone's understanding. I also think he's not over his ex, but everytime I tried to have a conversation with him he yells or gets upset, he doesn't want talk or understand why I'm sad. I really want things to workout between us/this family, but that required him wanting to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> She disrespected me once or twice but her father talked to her, I used to be closed to her thinking she feels the same way...cause she wants hug and be next to me. Until I read her letter my son found. I was shocked. As far as her treating my son, it's better now. They play together now...I don't hear her using mean words or abuse his kindness as often as before anymore. Another pressure is my husband's mom and his family spoil her and she gets anything she wants one way or another.


The it might not be a bad as it first seemed.

I have two step children who I raised from age 10 until now.. they are in thier 20's now.

My step daughter used to write letters and emails to people and say hateful things about me. She would tell them things that were completely fabricated to get their sympathy. She would send these letters/emails to her mother, her mother's family, and her same age friends.

This might be what she's doing. Remember that she is the child and you are the adult. Don't take the things she says to heart so much.

When my step kids used to say mean things to me, my response was "You do not have to love me. But you do have to treat me with respect in my house. However, I love you."

That usually shut down them down.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Heart broken said:


> Thanks for your and everyone's understanding. I also think he's not over his ex, but everytime I tried to have a conversation with him he yells or gets upset, he doesn't want talk or understand why I'm sad. I really want things to workout between us/this family, but that required him wanting to change.


He does sound like an incredibly difficult person, and it would be very hard to get him to open up. 

I feel like you may be approaching him with the intent to have YOUR feeling validated (which is ENTIRELY understandable, you have very valid concerns and a good husband would care about them) but in this instance, if your goal is to get him to open up, it might take a good bit of tact. And that would include coming at him un such a way that would not trigger his defenses. This would include talking to him in the most understanding, loving, caring way as possible, and start by asking him subtle questions that would not trigger the warning bells in him. Maybe something like "Honey, I love you so much, and you seem stressed lately, how are you feeling?" His answer may be short, but keep asking subtle loving questions in an attempt to draw his real feelings out. Hopefully his true feelings on his ex will be among the feelings let out. At NO point should you talk about your feelings. The goal here is to get him to be honest.

If that doesn't work, honestly, he may be indeed out of range of help, and in that case, I would say that you have tried all you can and you need to think about your happiness (and your sons) and consider moving onward.

Hope it gets better


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

I would like to thank everyone for taking your valuble time to help me. I now feel better. I do want to just pack up and walk away from this unbearable relationship but I really want to work things out. However, if he keeps doing what he's doing I'll leave. I've also looked on Craigslist for 1 room with a child. Not easy to find. However, I'm open to any suggestion/advice.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The it might not be a bad as it first seemed.
> 
> I have two step children who I raised from age 10 until now.. they are in thier 20's now.
> 
> ...


Thank you, for sharing. How do I open up to her again? Please help. Everytime I tried I always remember her not liking me and making my son's life a living he*l. But she has improved alot since my husband last talked to her. Too many people spoil her, she only home when there is school. When there is no school she's at he grandma, cousin, aunt or her mom.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> He does sound like an incredibly difficult person, and it would be very hard to get him to open up.
> 
> I feel like you may be approaching him with the intent to have YOUR feeling validated (which is ENTIRELY understandable, you have very valid concerns and a good husband would care about them) but in this instance, if your goal is to get him to open up, it might take a good bit of tact. And that would include coming at him un such a way that would not trigger his defenses. This would include talking to him in the most understanding, loving, caring way as possible, and start by asking him subtle questions that would not trigger the warning bells in him. Maybe something like "Honey, I love you so much, and you seem stressed lately, how are you feeling?" His answer may be short, but keep asking subtle loving questions in an attempt to draw his real feelings out. Hopefully his true feelings on his ex will be among the feelings let out. At NO point should you talk about your feelings. The goal here is to get him to be honest.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your replied. I've talked to him trying to get him to open up, but he doesn't like talking things out at all. He stays quiet and just say whatever to get out of the conversation. Like, I need to sleep I work tomorrow can you understand that? So the I just stay up speecless couldn't sleep and him snoring. However, I haven't approach him the way you've sugessted yet. I will try that.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The it might not be a bad as it first seemed.
> 
> I have two step children who I raised from age 10 until now.. they are in thier 20's now.
> 
> ...


I know, she's probably doing that. And it's hard for me to get over. How do I deal with her? Whenever I have money I take her shopping at her fav dpt store making she has everything she needs. Even when her father doesn't want to.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Heart broken said:


> He told me staight up to not talk to friends or family about our problems. I told him that his daughter needs to sleep in her own room. His replied was no its ok. Lately, she's is sleeping in her room...I hope it stays this way. However, he still the same way toward our sex life, cum and goes to sleep. Cause he work the next day.


so sorry you have such a selfish person as a husband.

many people are in the same boat. thought they were getting married to some one who loved them only to find out they only love themselves!

ask your self if you want this for the rest of your life. people treat you the way you let them. you sound like a kind caring person who dosn't understand that not all people are kind and caring. apparently your husband dosn't share the same values as you. my advice is to cut your losses before you end up misserable and lonley. nothing more lonley than beeing with someone you can't stand. listen to your gut. its screaming at you that he is not the right person for you.

good luck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date and get to know him before you got married? There's so many red flags that should have been your warning that marrying him might not be a great idea. You need to learn what to look for before your next relationship.

I'm in the camp of "leave him". He's not being fair to you and your child. He's cheated on you. What more do you need to know? And it's possible that by leaving him, he'll understand you're serious about there being a problem, and you'll get some changes. But I doubt they'll be lasting changes.

C


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> so sorry you have such a selfish person as a husband.
> 
> many people are in the same boat. thought they were getting married to some one who loved them only to find out they only love themselves!
> 
> ...


I know exactly what you're saying. I do hear that everyday. That's why I want to fix it...to prove that my gut is wrong. But he doesn't want to talk or open up to me. Part of me really want to work things out. Hmmmm


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

PBear said:


> How long did you date and get to know him before you got married? There's so many red flags that should have been your warning that marrying him might not be a great idea. You need to learn what to look for before your next relationship.
> 
> I'm in the camp of "leave him". He's not being fair to you and your child. He's cheated on you. What more do you need to know? And it's possible that by leaving him, he'll understand you're serious about there being a problem, and you'll get some changes. But I doubt they'll be lasting changes.
> 
> C


I know and feel it too that he can't be changed. But part of me still hope. Everyday I make sure lunch is packed for him and clean clothes for him to wear to work. Maybe just maybe he would see the good in me and change, love me like a man love a woman.


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

I agree with you 100% the two become one and the relationship between the husband and wife comes first. When the kid comes first it creates a split in the foundation. The kids are best served by a unified home which can only have any hope of happening when the parents are on the same page.

Someone mentioned the kids coming first as far as their physical needs, i.,e., who eats first, who to protect from an invader, etc. Of course the kids come first in those types of situations. 

But to make an idol or a god out of the kids to place them ahead of the _relationship_ with the spouse is to turn the home upside down. One is left parenting with one hand tied behind their back. Or don't kids need parenting anymore? Do 6,8,or 10 year old kids have the wisdom to make their own decisions? Is their judgement and experience superior to the judgement of you spouse? Do kids ever need guidance, correction or discipline? Will one parent ever need to oppose the will of the child, no matter which child it is?

Once kids know they hold the trump card over the other parent they have no respect for the other parent and won't accept their guidance or discipline. And why should they? They know they don't have to. One parent now has zero authority, or is always fighting for it. This is not the making of a healthy home. It's fractured at the very foundation.

Fortunately for me I've never been in the situation of trying to make a blended family work. I can see how easy it'd be to enter a new relationship with very protective feelings for your own child. But at the same time if you don't respect your spouse or value their judgement enough to entrust them to be an equal parent you shouldn't marry that person. 

How can a marriage or family work that is that divided against itself? No, the two becoming one - as *husband and wife* and as *parents* - is necessary in order for the family to have order, to have boundaries, and to have enough stability to produce people who can go out into the world and know how to co-operate with others. 

It sounds like your marriage is a mess, from every direction. I believe it needs serious help in order to work, and not just be a power struggle or a one sided dictatorship (the two extremes) where one or the other is either winning or losing and no one is ever happy. In the long run that doesn't provide the foundation kids need in order to become healthy themselves. What are they taught if they can manipulate the parents against each other? To someday re-create that misery in their own relationships and to disrespect authority when it crosses their will.

No, if the parents aren't one it won't work. If you don't trust your spouse enough to be your equal in the eyes of your kids don't marry them in the first place.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Heart broken, your name says it all. you married the guy without really knowing him. you want it to work because you took your marriage vows but he's not communicating with you but he IS communicating with other women. He doesn't treat you well. He doesn't treat your son well. He doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't appreciate you. Feeling bad about leaving him with a mortgage that YOU pay for is not a reason to stay.

He should love you like a man should love a woman but he does not. You made a mistake. Time to move on. This user doesn't deserve you. You sound like such a nice person. It's not good for your son to see you be treated like this, and he's being treated unfairly and badly too by the daughter and husband. 

Right now, your son should be your first priority, just like your husband's daughter is to him. If this was a normal relationship, you and your husband would be a team, but you are not a team.

Yes - it is time to leave.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Vrs said:


> I agree with you 100% the two become one and the relationship between the husband and wife comes first. When the kid comes first it creates a split in the foundation. The kids are best served by a unified home which can only have any hope of happening when the parents are on the same page.
> 
> Someone mentioned the kids coming first as far as their physical needs, i.,e., who eats first, who to protect from an invader, etc. Of course the kids come first in those types of situations.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your understanding and suggestion. I am afraid and not sure where to start if I walk out. I'm scared.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> Heart broken, your name says it all. you married the guy without really knowing him. you want it to work because you took your marriage vows but he's not communicating with you but he IS communicating with other women. He doesn't treat you well. He doesn't treat your son well. He doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't appreciate you. Feeling bad about leaving him with a mortgage that YOU pay for is not a reason to stay.
> 
> He should love you like a man should love a woman but he does not. You made a mistake. Time to move on. This user doesn't deserve you. You sound like such a nice person. It's not good for your son to see you be treated like this, and he's being treated unfairly and badly too by the daughter and husband.
> 
> ...


You've hit the spot. I'm speechless...you're right. I did married him without knowing him, because I thought felt the same. He made me a promised of a loving family and grow old together. I think I need to wake up and stop being so blind.


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Heart Broken you might try clicking on the link below that says talk with a live counselor. That might be a good place to begin.

Also, you could reach out to any family members who might be able to help you.

What about any friends? Or fellow church members? (if you're a church goer - something I highly recommend ... the right church is a "family" of believers to be there for you when your back is against the wall).

If you're a Bible believer a good promise is Ps 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears". To me this means trust God, and He will make a way. Another one I like is 1 Tim 2:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind."

If you think of it He already has. Look back at all the things you've been through in your life already - and you've made it this far. You're still here, and you've already made it through times when you didn't know how things would work out. Also, you're doing the right thing by reaching out like you have by starting this thread and seeking support and counsel from others.

Even though the future looks uncertain and it's natural to be frightened be strong. You've come through a lot and you're strong enough to have made it this far, and you're resourceful enough to where you'll think of something.

Again, you might try clicking on the live online counselor link. When you find something be sure to come back to this thread and let us know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> I would like to thank everyone for taking your valuble time to help me. I now feel better. I do want to just pack up and walk away from this unbearable relationship but I really want to work things out. However, if he keeps doing what he's doing I'll leave. I've also looked on Craigslist for 1 room with a child. Not easy to find. However, I'm open to any suggestion/advice.


Before you married your husband you lived somewhere. Could you get back into the place you were at?

Maybe you could put an ad on craigslist and say you are looking for a shared rental with a woman who has a child (or 2). That way two single moms could share a place.

Do you have a friend or relative who you can move in with even for a short while until you find a place?

If you are going to give your marriage a chance, set a time limit. Perhaps right now set 30 days. If things have not significantly changed in 30 days, then leave. If they have change, then give it 3 months. And move forward cautiously.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Vrs said:


> Heart Broken you might try clicking on the link below that says talk with a live counselor. That might be a good place to begin.
> 
> Also, you could reach out to any family members who might be able to help you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your replied. I clicked on the link but it isn't free. My husband told me not to get friend or family involve with our problems. He doesn't want them to know...but I've been holding everything in for long and can no longer keeps it to myself. so I decided to reach out to others online. I, sometimes feel like a living corp and life has no meaning.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Before you married your husband you lived somewhere. Could you get back into the place you were at?
> 
> Maybe you could put an ad on craigslist and say you are looking for a shared rental with a woman who has a child (or 2). That way two single moms could share a place.
> 
> ...


I will do that...thank you. 30 days it is. I guess I have to be firm now...or he thinks I'm just joking.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Before you married your husband you lived somewhere. Could you get back into the place you were at?
> 
> Maybe you could put an ad on craigslist and say you are looking for a shared rental with a woman who has a child (or 2). That way two single moms could share a place.
> 
> ...


I'll do that on Craigslist when it's time to go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> Thank you for your replied. I clicked on the link but it isn't free. My husband told me not to get friend or family involve with our problems. He doesn't want them to know...but I've been holding everything in for long and can no longer keeps it to myself. so I decided to reach out to others online. I, sometimes feel like a living corp and life has no meaning.


How long did you date your husband before marrying him?

Do you know why his previous marriage ended?

Sounds like you are depressed. I think anyone in your situation would be. You took a giant leap of faith and found out it was quick sand. Just know that your reaction to this is normal. It's actually a healthy reaction as you are not sugar coating the situation and recognize the problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heart broken said:


> I know, she's probably doing that. And it's hard for me to get over. How do I deal with her? Whenever I have money I take her shopping at her fav dpt store making she has everything she needs. Even when her father doesn't want to.


What might help you is to get some book on step-parenting. I did read one years ago that really helped me but I do not recall the name of it. It was something simple like just "Step-Parenting".


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

A marriage is supposed to come first. Kids needs come first (like food and shelter) kids wants come second to the marriage. You're right it isn't two become one flesh with one's child. Kids grow up and move on with their own lives, but a husband and wife are supposed to be there to take care of eachother until death. 

No way would I put up with pics of the exwife all over the house. If I would have found the wedding DVD I would have conveniently thrown it in the bottom of the trash can and never told him. 

You should try steptalk.org. It deals specifically with being a stepmom and blended family issues.


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## MeToo! (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Heart Broken,
My advice is to get out! A lot of what you said in your post I have experienced, due to low self esteem I suppressed all the hurt & stayed, what a huge mistake!!
I am now 68yrs old...my husband has said every vile thing you can imagine to me & then says "why can't we get along". Huh?? Am I nuts that I can't let these things go?? He's cheated on me, never protects me & for 28 yrs has put his family before me at all times.
You are still young enough to have a good life. It's too late for me.
Angel Blessings to you!


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> The two become one and should put each other above all others...including children.





Vrs said:


> I agree with you 100% the two become one and the relationship between the husband and wife comes first. When the kid comes first it creates a split in the foundation.





curlysue321 said:


> A marriage is supposed to come first.


What does this mean in practice? It can only mean that needs of your partner comes before needs of your children. I'll restate that this is a terrible thing to say. Kids must come first.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Heartbroken, you know what you need to do, now just get the balls to do it. You've been on your own before. It may be tough, but living like a "corpse" is tougher. I promise you, when people are in a happy marriage, a team effort, a healthy relationship, one spouse doesn't make the other feel like a corpse. It's not good for your son to have such an unhappy mom. Even if you don't do it for you, do it for the love of your son. GET OUT.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Vrs said:


> I agree with you 100% the two become one and the relationship between the husband and wife comes first. When the kid comes first it creates a split in the foundation. The kids are best served by a unified home which can only have any hope of happening when the parents are on the same page.
> 
> Someone mentioned the kids coming first as far as their physical needs, i.,e., who eats first, who to protect from an invader, etc. Of course the kids come first in those types of situations.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> What does this mean in practice? It can only mean that needs of your partner comes before needs of your children. I'll restate that this is a terrible thing to say. Kids must come first.


Read Vrs's post in its entirety. Sorry. It is not a terrible thing to say.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Read Vrs's post in its entirety. Sorry. It is not a terrible thing to say.


I did. I have no kind words for it. 

Firstly she makes her statement:



> When the kid comes first it creates a split in the foundation.


Then comes the outrageous claim which has nothing to do with a debate of priorities.



> But to make an idol or a god out of the kids to place them ahead of the relationship with the spouse is to turn the home upside down.


Then bunch of questions which has nothing to do with debate of priorities or her outrageous claim.



> Or don't kids need parenting anymore? Do 6,8,or 10 year old kids have the wisdom to make their own decisions? Is their judgement and experience superior to the judgement of you spouse? Do kids ever need guidance, correction or discipline? Will one parent ever need to oppose the will of the child, no matter which child it is?


This is commonly known as a strawman fallacy. 


But, I'll not continue this since I'm hijacking the thread with this. I apologize Heart broken for this.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> Heartbroken, you know what you need to do, now just get the balls to do it. You've been on your own before. It may be tough, but living like a "corpse" is tougher. I promise you, when people are in a happy marriage, a team effort, a healthy relationship, one spouse doesn't make the other feel like a corpse. It's not good for your son to have such an unhappy mom. Even if you don't do it for you, do it for the love of your son. GET OUT.


I'm working on it, we're going to work on this relationship for a month if it doesn't work we'll split. Hmmmm...I have a bad feeling already...just 1 day.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Read Vrs's post in its entirety. Sorry. It is not a terrible thing to say.


I agree too.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

MeToo! said:


> Hi Heart Broken,
> My advice is to get out! A lot of what you said in your post I have experienced, due to low self esteem I suppressed all the hurt & stayed, what a huge mistake!!
> I am now 68yrs old...my husband has said every vile thing you can imagine to me & then says "why can't we get along". Huh?? Am I nuts that I can't let these things go?? He's cheated on me, never protects me & for 28 yrs has put his family before me at all times.
> You are still young enough to have a good life. It's too late for me.
> Angel Blessings to you!


I'm sorry to hear you're also going thru this. I know how you feel and I'm sorry. I still have hope but it's getting pretty bad due to all the pain he'd put me thru.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> A marriage is supposed to come first. Kids needs come first (like food and shelter) kids wants come second to the marriage. You're right it isn't two become one flesh with one's child. Kids grow up and move on with their own lives, but a husband and wife are supposed to be there to take care of eachother until death.
> 
> No way would I put up with pics of the exwife all over the house. If I would have found the wedding DVD I would have conveniently thrown it in the bottom of the trash can and never told him.
> 
> You should try steptalk.org. It deals specifically with being a stepmom and blended family issues.


Reading your post bring tears to my eyes...it hurts so much when saw those pics and video. I always tell myself...it doesn't matter how bad things get I always think of what god would do. However, it got so bad that the love/anger/disappointment turned into resentment.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What might help you is to get some book on step-parenting. I did read one years ago that really helped me but I do not recall the name of it. It was something simple like just "Step-Parenting".


I'll look for the book, thank you. I need to do this for my own sake, no one else.


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## Heart broken (Feb 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date your husband before marrying him?
> 
> Do you know why his previous marriage ended?
> 
> Sounds like you are depressed. I think anyone in your situation would be. You took a giant leap of faith and found out it was quick sand. Just know that your reaction to this is normal. It's actually a healthy reaction as you are not sugar coating the situation and recognize the problems.


His ex-wife cheated on him. We talked things thru before we got involved...I was also chatting with a couple of guys before I got serious with him. Once I gave him my heart I stay true to it, committed and never done anything inappropriate.


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> What does this mean in practice? It can only mean that needs of your partner comes before needs of your children. I'll restate that this is a terrible thing to say. Kids must come first.


You should have kept reading and not stopped at the top.


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