# Need another take on my situation...



## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

I'll try to make this as brief as possible:

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. About 5 years ago she started acting out of character, and after a few weeks I was begging her to tell me what was wrong, but I could not get anything out of her. Because it was tearing me apart, I checked her computer and found a message to a friend of hers telling her that she had found this other guy and was gonna leave me, but didn't know how to tell me. I was stunned. She hadn't even given me a chance to fix things? After some major heartache, stress, and a bit of marriage counseling, we worked things out. My trust was shattered, but I was willing to rebuild it, and things seemed to be moving in a positive direction.

A few months ago my wife started working on a project that she signed up for outside her regular job. For over a month, it occupied all her free time. During that time she broke a lot of promises to me and did not treat me well. Also, she was going out with her "project friends" a lot and when she was at home, she was on the computer or phone with them. 

I was getting some very bad vibes again, and I think this was compounded by the previous "affair". I (and I am ashamed by this) looked through her email. I found a message to one of her project friends (this was in the "trash" folder, like she had deleted it right after she sent it) and she was kinda pouring our her hopes and dreams to him (none of which included me). She told him how much she missed him and she ended it with "Love ya". She had only known this guy for about a month. 

I confronted her about it and she claimed she tells all her friends "love ya" and that there was nothing there. I still felt weird about it because she doesn't tell her friends she loves them like that, but I really didn't want to start a bunch of stuff so I basically told her that from this point forward, lets be open and honest, she agreed and said she had nothing to hide, and that I could check her email anytime, so I could build up trust again. 

Two weeks later, I found a message that she forgot to delete from this same guy. It was a reply from a email that she did send, which she had deleted so there was no evidence of. This was all after our talk. There was nothing in the email that was alarming in its content, however, I wondered why she was hiding it? I asked her if she remember what the most important thing was for me and our marriage. She immediately said, "To be open, honest, and not hide things." I next asked her she had been talking to this guy and trying to hide it. I could see her thinking.. finally she looked me in the eyes and said, "No, I haven't been contacting him".

I was upset because she lied to me, and she had been hiding stuff. I feel as if her relationship with this guy (whatever it may be) was worth more to her than her marriage was. I still don't understand. She says she knew it would hurt me to see it, so thats why she deleted it. I wouldn't be upset at all if she had kept the messages there and not tried to be sneaky. Now I'm constantly wondering what the hell shes been lying to me about. Did she feed me lies about all that happened 5 years ago? What has happened since then? She wants to work things out she says, but I am really struggling. I kinda feel that this is gonna happen again, and that, though I love her and want to be married to her, that its just a matter of time until she meets some guy and takes off. I hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal again. 

It feels better to type this, because my wife has always been my best friend, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Any advice or encouragement would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> For over a month, it occupied all her free time. (...) Also, she was going out with her "project friends" a lot and when she was at home, she was on the computer or phone with them.


You notice these are mutually exclusive? 
This woman seems to have a bad case of cheating behavior in her. And you have been letting her off easy. Why would she not continue cheating if you have been easy to handle so far?

Honestly mate, i would never stand for any of this and i would kick her to the curb at the very first signs of it. If you decide to stick with her be ready to be in an open relationship.


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## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Sounds to me like she wants to play and keep her marriage at the same time for some kind of security; knowing you will not leave her. She is clearly a liar and taking advantage of your love for her.

If you have no kids I would recommend to begin planning your life without her at this stage - as she seems to already be pursuing life without you.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Thank you both for your viewpoints. I felt a bit silly posting my situation, thinking I was blowing things way out of proportion. I feel a bit better now about my negative feelings. It would be nice to get the female point of view on this, though.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Nope. I don't tell male co-workers "love ya." Totally inappropriate.

Keep spying on her & don't feel bad about. Trust is earned & she already had an EA & may be about to start another one not to mention she is a liar. 

Go visit the CWI section for more advice.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks, Emerald. I am a bit of a newb here. I'll go check out CWI.


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh dear. I checked out the CWI, but that was a bit more hardcore than what I've been going through. My wife was going to leave me for another guy, but I honestly don't think they were intimate, just because I'm not sure when they could have, since my wife and I both work at the same place and we were home when we weren't at work. Of course, now I know she would have lied her butt off to prevent a confrontation, so I'm just as confused as ever :/ I guess giving your heart to another person while married is, in some ways, as bad as physical contact.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My wife was going to leave me for another guy, but I honestly don't think they were intimate


Mate, read this slowly and try to have a third person perspective of this. A grown woman is going to leave her husband for another guy and wasn't physical with this OM? What are the chances of that?



> just because I'm not sure when they could have, since my wife and I both work at the same place and we were home when we weren't at work.


That's a very weak reason. I'm pretty sure you can devise ways to get away from your wife for an hour if it is needed. Can't she do the same? Think about it. It's not possible to be with your partner 24/7. 

"bye bye honey, i'm going to the mall"
"See ya later i'm going to get my hair done"
"I'm going over to [insert female friend here], i'll be back in an hour"
(...)

I'm pretty sure you get some sentences like that. And remember, all the emotional work can be done by talking on the phone and text messaging. They would only need a few minutes to get it on. Not even an hour.

I'm not trying to be hurtful or anything. But to be sure of what you are apparently certain of with that history of behavior you will need to dig deeper than that. 

I would advise you to post in the CWI section and have those experienced folk have a look at it and guide you through it with some knowledgeable advice.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hurt,

She's lined up at least two guys that you know about. She's been involved in at least one full blown EA. She's lied to you. She's humilated you in front of others (telling her friend she was leaving you and God knows what else) She's led you to believe that you were reconciling and working on your marriage and all the while was lining up the next guy.

I too find it very hard to believe that she wasn't physical with the first guy siince she was ready to leave you for him. VERY unlikely

She's a serial cheater. I would also be surprised if these two times you know about are her only dalliances.

You need to (at a minimum) keep investigating. Put a keylogger on the PC, check cell phone bills and put a VAR in the car.

You seem shocked by what you read in the CWI section but what you don't realize is that you're already living this horror.


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