# Husband says he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!



## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Hi All,
We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. Have had ups and downs in our marriage, tried and still trying to cope with the situation/issues. My husband today said that he doesn’t feel like having sex with me because I have been harassing him! And what is the harassment? That I tell him he lies a lot and masturbates! I have many reasons why I say so! About telling him that he masturbates, what led me to say so? He barely has sex with me, and I know I might be assuming, might be wrong, but it’s only because he hardly does it even though I have brought it up several times! We do have arguments, many in fact, but am doing what needs to be done, taking care of the house, cooking and even taking care of my Husband. But then, what about me? Who is thinking about me?
And today, today was the limit! Not sure what I should do when my husband tells me he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!
I know he isn’t having an affair or anything.
I am 100% about that. I am in total distress and lost.
Please advise me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He probably needs some counseling. He could be depressed or addicted to porn which can go hand in hand with depression.

I'm an advocate for just doing it when your spouse wants it.

I haven't slept good in about two weeks and did not feel like it this morning but Mrs. C has been patient with me so I did it anyway and it was great after we started.

I feel for you and you might have to put your foot down about getting some help to resolve this.

Don't ever undervalue your needs. This is serious business and can easily end a marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He has also reached his limit. There is no way I would tell a person who feels harassed to just have sex. I've received the same message you got.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> He has also reached his limit. There is no way I would tell a person who feels harassed to just have sex. I've received the same message you





Mr. Nail said:


> He has also reached his limit. There is no way I would tell a person who feels harassed to just have sex. I've received the same message you got.


There is no harassment at all, if you find out your spouse is lying and let him know that, am not sure this is called harassment!
I have been harassed by his whole family over the years and yet am still here.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> He probably needs some counseling. He could be depressed or addicted to porn which can go hand in hand with depression.
> 
> I'm an advocate for just doing it when your spouse wants it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for getting back. I really don’t know what is going on I have been a good wife and a mother, however, yes as a couple we have had and still have arguments, but for a 20 years marriage and having known each other for 26 years, the words he said today were very hurtful!
I question myself if I should be here or not!


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Believeingod said:


> There is no harassment at all, if you find out your spouse is lying and let him know that, am not sure this is called harassment!
> I have been harassed by his whole family over the years and yet am still here.


Can you expand on what he is lying about? It may help to understand the situation.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> He has also reached his limit. There is no way I would tell a person who feels harassed to just have sex. I've received the same message you got.


If I was harassing him, why would he live with me for the last 20 years? There should be something good about me!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You could both benefit from some counseling or working on your communication techniques so you make progress in a positive way.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> If I was harassing him, why would he live with me for the last 20 years? There should be something good about me!


Yes, i totally agree with you. If you were harassing him then he would have left you already.

I would like to know what quarrels do you normally have with him ? I’m sure this could be the major reason.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Believeingod said:


> Hi All,
> We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. Have had ups and downs in our marriage, tried and still trying to cope with the situation/issues. My husband today said that he doesn’t feel like having sex with me because I have been harassing him! And what is the harassment? That I tell him he lies a lot and masturbates! I have many reasons why I say so! About telling him that he masturbates, what led me to say so? He barely has sex with me, and I know I might be assuming, might be wrong, but it’s only because he hardly does it even though I have brought it up several times! We do have arguments, many in fact, but am doing what needs to be done, taking care of the house, cooking and even taking care of my Husband. But then, what about me? Who is thinking about me?
> And today, today was the limit! Not sure what I should do when my husband tells me he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!
> I know he isn’t having an affair or anything.
> ...


Have you ever denied him sex or not wanted sex with him? That could be a reason he is not interested. My wife is never really interested in sex so I stopped initiating as I have lost interest. Just the other day she mentioned she noticed I don't initiate much any more and I told her I got tired of her saying "No".

So maybe if you have been saying No to him alot lately, that could be a reason.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Can you expand on what he is lying about? It may help to understand the situation.
> [/





FloridaGuy1 said:


> Have you ever denied him sex or not wanted sex with him? That could be a reason he is not interested. My wife is never really interested in sex so I stopped initiating as I have lost interest. Just the other day she mentioned she noticed I don't initiate much any more and I told her I got tired of her saying "No".
> 
> So maybe if you have been saying No to him alot lately, that could be a reason.


Not at all, it’s the other way round, am the one who keeps bringing up the topic about us not spending enough time together and being intimate


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Yes, i totally agree with you. If you were harassing him then he would have left you already.
> 
> I would like to know what quarrels do you normally have with him ? I’m sure this could be the major reason.
> 
> ...


Usually about not helping me out at all when I need the most help, for example am down with fever and am in bed, he wouldn’t come and check on me or help me out, my kids are the ones who are the most concerned.
Another one is he says he is out for some
work, but is playing Tennis with his friends instead! For me, a lie is a lie, no matter big or small. And we argue about his Family too, he knows they do wrong to me, always agrees but yet argues


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Usually about not helping me out at all when I need the most help, for example am down with fever and am in bed, he wouldn’t come and check on me or help me out, my kids are the ones who are the most concerned.
> Another one is he says he is out for some
> work, but is playing Tennis with his friends instead! For me, a lie is a lie, no matter big or small. And we argue about his Family too, he knows they do wrong to me, always agrees but yet argues


This clearly indicates he doesnt care you at all. 

What about the kids ? Do they love him and does he take care of them or spend time on weekly offs ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You said there were other issues in your marriage - what are those issues and what have you both contributed to overcoming those problems?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like he doesn't want to have sex with you any more, for whatever reason. My wife used to say that to me when I brought up sex... "you are hounding me", she used to say. Hounding her? After 2 weeks?  Good luck with it. Not easy to find a solution.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

How long since your husband showed an interest in sex with you?

What age is your husband, and was he showing any signs of struggling with maintaining erections before the sex slowed/stopped?

You say he isn't having an affair, then say that he lies about his whereabouts, and was actually out with friends when he said he was out working.

Ask him, (calmly and when you have uninterrupted time together) if he intends working on a solution with you, and how that would look to him.
Be prepared to hear what problems he has with you, and that you might have work to do on your end.
If he has no interest in resolving this issue, ask him what does he think of the other options on the table, which are divorce, open marriage, counselling.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_Over and done_ is a sure thing when it is clearly stated.
He said so, he acts, so.

If you do not have a good marriage, why continue?

Rather than question what is obvious, prepare for a future without him.
That is_, formally_, without him. 
Presently, you are living with this _informally_.

Divorce, commence with _Chapter Two_ of your life.



_Lilith-_


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

He said this to you yesterday?

Before you hit the panic button why don't you see how it plays out. Just because he said it doesn't mean he'll stick to it. Maybe he was just lashing out to try and hurt you (or to get back at you)?

If he's still sticking to his guns a few weeks from now than you possibly have an issue. 

At this juncture it's just words.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think if he could give up the porn he'd want you again. Porn destroys men and marriage. Would he give up his phone and computer use for you to get clean? Ultimately, porn will destroy a man's sense of self worth and dignity too- so it would be to his benefit to overcome it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Believeingod said:


> If I was harassing him, why would he live with me for the last 20 years? There should be something good about me!





Helping Hand said:


> Yes, i totally agree with you. If you were harassing him then he would have left you already.
> 
> I would like to know what quarrels do you normally have with him ? I’m sure this could be the major reason.
> 
> ...


He just left.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Believe, your old man is more than likely dipping his wick in somebody elses ink well. Your solution is not desirable but it is simple--you know the old saying, "one person's trash is somebody else's treasure". 
Plenty of folks on this site, and beyond, patiently wait, beg, plead, negotiate, cry, threaten, suffer years of feeling inadequate, et cetera, trying to re-heat a broken oven. They live their lives in desperation, and want, hoping that the person who promised them a quality companionship is now starving them of intimacy, a required component of marriage/relationship and a human need, will eventually come back around. It likely won't happen. 
He's the one breaching the contract. In business and in life, when a person breaches a contract, its often times better to replace them or at least temporarily substitute them until they can get their act together. Chances are you are going to have to do one or the other or mentally die from a thousand cuts of his perennial rejection.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Looking back over the 26 years that you have been together would you say that the two of you were like two peas in a pod, inseparable? Or was it more that you got the feeling he was trying to remain single, like a bachelor, inside the marriage? When you sit and talk about issues that have been a soar spot between you does he contribute to the conversation or is he just listening to you and waiting for the conversation to stop? When you find out he is playing tennis with his buddies instead of doing what he had told you he was going to do, how do you react? 

I get the picture of a man who wants to do his thing without having to feel he needs to answer to you or anyone and because he is feeling he can't please you he is turning away from you. I also feel he probably does not communicate well and rather than expressing his feelings he is letting his hard feelings stew within himself. Who is going to pay for his hard feelings? Of course you, you have become a source of his pain and you did not even realize it. My suggestion is counseling. Once you reach a point where a spouse no longer wants to have sex the marriage is over, in my opinion.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Believeingod said:


> Hi All,
> We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. Have had ups and downs in our marriage, tried and still trying to cope with the situation/issues. My husband today said that he doesn’t feel like having sex with me because I have been harassing him! And what is the harassment? That I tell him he lies a lot and masturbates! I have many reasons why I say so! About telling him that he masturbates,* what led me to say so?* He barely has sex with me, and I know I might be assuming, might be wrong, but it’s only because he hardly does it even though I have brought it up several times! We do have arguments, many in fact, but am doing what needs to be done, taking care of the house, cooking and even taking care of my Husband. But then, what about me? Who is thinking about me?
> And today, today was the limit! Not sure what I should do when my husband tells me he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!
> I know he isn’t having an affair or anything.
> ...





Believeingod said:


> If I was harassing him, why would he live with me for the last 20 years? There should be something good about me!


So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?

You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.

And the 20 years thing, why would he live with you if he wasn't happy? Spend time here and you'll find that's closer to normal than you'd think. There are so many reasons people put up with things they shouldn't, and this gets misread by their partners as a sign of contentment. Momentum, kids, mental weakness, lots of things.

If you're not in individual counseling yet, I'd recommend it. Possibly for him too (but it needs to be his idea). I wouldn't get into marriage counseling until the two of you can have a conversation in which both of you feel like you've had a chance to be honest and talk about your issues. Otherwise he's going to see it as "harassment."


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> You could both benefit from some counseling or working on your communication techniques so you make progress in a positive way.


I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

When one lies it usually comes from too much fear or desire coupled with too little respect... as you described the concern I believe like another poster, that his lyng may be more out of fear of conflict.

Are there other areas he is less than truthful in or just this one?

In the middle of my last marriage of 28 years as I was struggling to find a healthy way to express my disappointments and not argue fire with fire, I was constantly accused of not being truthful. The "truth", was in order to avoid conflict I became aware that "to me" I was not lying, I was just not filling in all the blanks and thus from fear of yet another fight or harassment was not mistruthful but actually lying by omission. It was a more unconscious action at the time, in a sense self-preservation of not feeling belittled for the way I felt, but as I became aware of it I had a whole other issue to work through as I was ashamed now of myself that I had become that which I judged in others.

Fear is powerful... I've literally looked down the barrel of death and lost that fear to find that while I had lost such an incredibly personal fear, I could not face any more arguments with my spouse at the time and thus hid from something far less ending. I stayed in that marriage another 14 years growing to love myself more through loving-kindness although while it really did not matter much for the relationship, it was life-changing for me.

Doesn't matter which side, when our spouse berates us for something, our desire for them goes pretty much "meh".

If your mind is angry all the time your words and actions will follow...spend a few moments and think about the cyclic effects and results of hurt. You are not defined by your thoughts and emotions so take a moment to breathe and understand why you feel the way you do. Don't try to control the conversation as you look at what you need to nurture and support yourself and others in such discussions, and accept that it will not always give you the outcome you want every time.

This is but one path to compassion... love yourself more, love others better.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Believeingod said:


> I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.


Not relevant, are you sure?

There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:

*RAIN Mindfulness Tool

1. R* Recognize what is happening

*2. A* Allow life to be just as it is

*3. I* Investigate inner experience

*4. N* Non-Identification

Here’s how you can use the RAIN method in a difficult time…

*R: The “R” in the R.A.I.N method stands for ‘Recognize.’*
Take a moment to recognize that a strong emotion is present and gently turn towards what you’re experiencing in an open and non-judgemental way.

Tune in to the direct present moment experience of what is happening in your body and mind… the emotions, the thoughts and sensations that are here.

It can be helpful to mentally name it, for example, “I am feeling stressed” or “I am feeling overwhelmed.” This recognition of what your feeling, opens up inner space and brings you into full contact with yourself and the actuality of the present moment.


*A: The “A” in R.A.I.N stands for ‘Allow.’*
Allowing means to ‘let it be as it is.’ It is the acknowledgement and acceptance of your present moment reality. Allowing doesn’t mean we have to _like _the situation. It means we aims to soften (or drop) our mental resistance to what is happening.

The reason this is so important is because we often have the unconscious impulse to push away, suppress or ignore difficult emotions. When we engage in an inner struggle in these ways, we unknowingly create _more_ suffering and tension.

In this unconscious struggle we also tend to get ‘caught up’ in our thoughts and emotions, therefore we are more likely to _react_ rather than being able to choose a conscious response.

By allowing, we’re able to bring an inner ‘yes’ to our present moment experience. You may notice almost immediately a sense of softening and ease around the emotion.


*I: The “I” in the R.A.I.N. exercise stands for ‘Investigate.’*
Now that you have recognized and allowed this emotion you can choose to investigate it. You may not always feel you need the “I” step as sometimes just the recognition and acceptance is enough. At other times you may feel naturally drawn to using this step.

So to investigate, you can mentally enquire with questions like “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Are there events that happened ahead of the emotion that might have influenced it?” “Are there physiological factors (Such as not getting enough sleep) that are affecting the emotion?” “What do I really need right now?” “Are there actions I could take to nurture and support myself (and/or others) in this difficult time?”

These questions can help us come into wiser relationship with emotions and thoughts. With this process of investigation we can also choose a conscious response to foster a more meaningful life. Investigation may even resolve and dissolve the emotion completely at times (although it is not the goal).


*N: The “N” stands for ‘Non-identification.’*
In the “N” step of R.A.I.N, you turn your attention to the simple realization that YOU are not your mind nor are you your emotions. You are the awareness that is always there underneath every thought, emotion and sense perception.

Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by your thoughts and emotions. This brings about a natural sense of freedom and ease. It gives a sense of having peace in the middle of it all. No matter how intense and painful the emotional storm, there is always a part of you which is still, silent and untouched.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Not relevant, are you sure?
> 
> There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:
> 
> ...


THIS is BRILLIANT!!!!! Thank you!

Maybe you need to post this in it's own thread, it's is useful and relevant to SO many issues that people struggle with!!!!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> Looking back over the 26 years that you have been together would you say that the two of you were like two peas in a pod, inseparable? Or was it more that you got the feeling he was trying to remain single, like a bachelor, inside the marriage? When you sit and talk about issues that have been a soar spot between you does he contribute to the conversation or is he just listening to you and waiting for the conversation to stop? When you find out he is playing tennis with his buddies instead of doing what he had told you he was going to do, how do you react?
> 
> I get the picture of a man who wants to do his thing without having to feel he needs to answer to you or anyone and because he is feeling he can't please you he is turning away from you. I also feel he probably does not communicate well and rather than expressing his feelings he is letting his hard feelings stew within himself. Who is going to pay for his hard feelings? Of course you, you have become a source of his pain and you did not even realize it. My suggestion is counseling. Once you reach a point where a spouse no longer wants to have sex the marriage is over, in my opinion.


Yes, totally inseparable. He was the one who was literally after me, even after coming to US, I was still in my home country, he would write long letters and call me and tell me how much he wanted to be with me! But over the years, things have changed, I understand that with responsibilities, things do change, but the love shouldn’t! It hasn’t for me, and am the one who is more stressed out and am in depression(taking meds). We hardly have any conversations, it’s always me who initiates it, and if trying to resolve an issue, it will end up with more arguments, and his yelling at me, is intolerable! Even my Kids are sick of his yelling at me!
Of course, I tell him why lie in the first place? 
Just tell me the truth! And telling me “so what?” even after I found out,makes me lose respect for him!
I don’t know about the hard feelings, it’s me who has gone through a lot over the years!!!! He hardly wants to go anywhere with Family, I feel worse for my Kids! I keep saying that we should go out and spend time with each other, he says “yes” and that’s it, will not bother doing anything about it! 
Thanks for the advice


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Yes, i totally agree with you. If you were harassing him then he would have left you already.
> 
> I would like to know what quarrels do you normally have with him ? I’m sure this could be the major reason.
> 
> ...


I don’t think any marriage is perfect!
But then the spouse tells you “ I don’t feel like having sex with you!” It seems like it’s over!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Not at all, it’s the other way round, am the one who keeps bringing up the topic about us not spending enough time together and being intimate
> He spends most of his time on his Laptop!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> I don’t think any marriage is perfect!
> But when the spouse tells you “ I don’t feel like having sex with you!” It seems like it’s over!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Believe, your old man is more than likely dipping his wick in somebody elses ink well. Your solution is not desirable but it is simple--you know the old saying, "one person's trash is somebody else's treasure".
> Plenty of folks on this site, and beyond, patiently wait, beg, plead, negotiate, cry, threaten, suffer years of feeling inadequate, et cetera, trying to re-heat a broken oven. They live their lives in desperation, and want, hoping that the person who promised them a quality companionship is now starving them of intimacy, a required component of marriage/relationship and a human need, will eventually come back around. It likely won't happen.
> He's the one breaching the contract. In business and in life, when a person breaches a contract, its often times better to replace them or at least temporarily substitute them until they can get their act together. Chances are you are going to have to do one or the other or mentally die from a thousand cuts of his perennial rejection.


I am 47 and he is 48. And at this age, I can’t live my life in deprivation! Believe me, I have made so many adjustments in my life, financially, emotionally. Am not saying am 100% perfect, but overall, am the one who has killed my dreams for the sake on my Family! Left my hometown, miles and miles away from my parents, to live with this man, who promised me a beautiful life, And now he says “ If you want a good life, go figure out how to have a beautiful life yourself!” Yes, I also believe, in anger, harsh words are spoken, but not so harsh that it brings down a person to the extent that, sometimes life seems to be meaningless! If it wasn’t for the Kids, I would have been gone long time! There have been days he wouldn’t talk to me for days, a month, and am still taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, everything! And makes me feel if am here only for this!
Thanks for the message


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> This clearly indicates he doesnt care you at all.
> 
> What about the kids ? Do they love him and does he take care of them or spend time on weekly offs ?
> 
> ...


All he cares about is work!
Kids need both, so they don’t say much.
My Son, he gets angry when he yells at me!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

sideways said:


> He said this to you yesterday?
> 
> Before you hit the panic button why don't you see how it plays out. Just because he said it doesn't mean he'll stick to it. Maybe he was just lashing out to try and hurt you (or to get back at you)?
> 
> ...


Yes I agree, it could be in anger, but he said it repeatedly!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> He just left.


Do you even know what you are saying?
I don’t want you to comment on my post, thank you 🙏


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Yes I agree, it could be in anger, at this point, I can’t say anything.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You have to teach people how to treat you. You will only get what you demand. If your marriage is as broken as it appears, he is probably not willing to learn what your boundaries are.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?
> 
> You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.
> 
> ...


No, I have no evidence, and what led me to think that, it’s because he hardly has any interest in sex. I did mention in my initial post, I could be assuming.
Hopefully it works out, and will think about counseling.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Believeingod said:


> No, I have no evidence, and what led me to think that, it’s because he hardly has any interest in sex. I did mention in my initial post, I could be assuming.
> Hopefully it works out, and will think about counseling.


Yes, you did mention you could be assuming, but I would, as you say, assume that you understand you have an entirely different set of issues if your assumption is not correct. 

Could you have a conversation with your husband about de-escalating things? Starting over, clearing the air, no assumptions? Could you admit to him that you might at times jump the gun about things, creating extra stress & anxiety that doesn't need to be there? That becoming closer and opening up about the issues each of you has might be pretty painful at first but you can't fix what you don't know, and right now your marriage needs fixing?

If you just want someone to blame things on, then hire an attorney and get a divorce going. If you still feel you love this guy, you need to explore the de-escalation route and open up clear channels of communication. Things might not be what you think. Or what he thinks.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Believeingod said:


> Yes, totally inseparable. He was the one who was literally after me, even after coming to US, I was still in my home country, he would write long letters and call me and tell me how much he wanted to be with me! But over the years, things have changed, I understand that with responsibilities, things do change, but the love shouldn’t! It hasn’t for me, and am the one who is more stressed out and am in depression(taking meds). We hardly have any conversations, it’s always me who initiates it, and if trying to resolve an issue, it will end up with more arguments, and his yelling at me, is intolerable! Even my Kids are sick of his yelling at me!
> Of course, I tell him why lie in the first place?
> Just tell me the truth! And telling me “so what?” even after I found out,makes me lose respect for him!
> I don’t know about the hard feelings, it’s me who has gone through a lot over the years!!!! He hardly wants to go anywhere with Family, I feel worse for my Kids! I keep saying that we should go out and spend time with each other, he says “yes” and that’s it, will not bother doing anything about it!
> Thanks for the advice


So you came to America from some other country. It really doesn't matter what country. I think this is an issue of control on your husband's part and I am very sorry for you have had to endure. Respect yourself, do not put up with your husband's behavior. It is time to move on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t understand why you want so badly to stay in a marriage when your husband doesn’t spend time with the family, doesn’t respect nor honor you and ignores you for days at a time and yells at you when you do communicate with him.

Really, seems like you’d be better off without him - so you can also pursue all your dreams that were placed on the back burner.

Stop catering to a man who neglects and mistreats you.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

It sounds to me as there is a lot of resentment and tension between the two of you that needs to be worked through first before his interest in sex is likely to return. If you're arguing a lot then it's difficult to feel the desire to be intimate with the person that you're arguing with all the time. I say this because my Husband and I haven't had sex for over two years, we've had a lot of issues we've been trying to work through and not wanting to have sex with somebody you don't feel emotionally close to goes both ways.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Plum said:


> It sounds to me as there is a lot of resentment and tension between the two of you that needs to be worked through first before his interest in sex is likely to return. If you're arguing a lot then it's difficult to feel the desire to be intimate with the person that you're arguing with all the time. I say this because my Husband and I haven't had sex for over two years, we've had a lot of issues we've been trying to work through and not wanting to have sex with somebody you don't feel emotionally close to goes both ways.


I wonder if sex will ever come back. I haven't had sex with my wife for over 3 years because of our issues, but she is not prepared to make an effort (i.e. basically forgive me for what I've done - I have forgiven her for what she's done - I'm not talking about infidelity, just relationship stuff), so it's up to me if I stay in the marriage or not. And I won't stay. Since you are a woman...  do you think your sexual relationship will ever come alive again?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I have a different perspective than most....My feeling is that if sex becomes so infrequent or non existent, and it's not because of extenuating circumstances(someone ill, or on some distant work detail) then trying to coerce it, talk about it, beg for it, whatever.....almost never works...

Who knows the true reasons...It could be a million things...maybe you don't take care of yourself the same way you used to, maybe he has ED issues and doesn't want to talk or do anything about it, etc..The fact that he is totally immersed in work is telling...Guys will do this to get away from a home life that is undesirable in his eyes...

The age he is at is pivotal for a lot of men...I can't speak for all, but once I hit mid 40's I started to hear frequently how guys I know my age were dying...Once I hit 50, then it was scary frequent...I don't believe women nearly stress as much as guys do about their mortality...A lot of women act as though they are going to live to 150...Once the reality pf mortality creeps in, then people start to look more critically about their lives and what's left of it...Again, I am not saying this is the case, just some observations I have made in my own life...

If you have ever seen the movie "American Beauty" you get a really good feel about what some men go through when they are at this phase...They have spent their lives working like a donkey,-wife and kids happy and enjoying life, while he is alone and crying in his beer...It's relatively common...

At the end of the day, you may never find out why he's so resentful...Maybe he's just bored of you? Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt as well....And you are doing yourself no favors by nagging and pestering him..I guess you can try counseling, but if he's said that directly to your face(he doesn't want to bang you) then I don't know where to go from there...Good luck...


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I wonder if sex will ever come back. I haven't had sex with my wife for over 3 years because of our issues, but she is not prepared to make an effort (i.e. basically forgive me for what I've done - I have forgiven her for what she's done - I'm not talking about infidelity, just relationship stuff), so it's up to me if I stay in the marriage or not. And I won't stay. Since you are a woman...  do you think your sexual relationship will ever come alive again?


I'm not feeling like it will at the moment. The issues definitely have to be sorted first to get the emotional connection back.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Plum said:


> I'm not feeling like it will at the moment. The issues definitely have to be sorted first to get the emotional connection back.


Thank you!


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Believeingod said:


> I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.


What issues? They may be relevant to him....



Plum said:


> The issues definitely have to be sorted first to get the emotional connection back.


This applies to a lot of things in a lot of relationships. Well said.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Believeingod said:


> I have tried my best, always am open to have a productive conversation, but he ends up yelling at me, bringing in issues not relevant to the situation.


Ya. I'm getting that you might need to be firm and calmly take a stand.

If he won't even communicate or be willing to get help, you are stuck with doing the marriage his way, not acceptable, or any number of things for yourself.

You can start being more independent and start phasing him out of your decision making process.

He isn't considering your needs not has he shown any intention to do so.

You should start letting him tend to his own needs then while you take care of yourself and your kiddos.

Start finding interests, hobbies and activities outside of your relationship with him.

You need to start disconnecting from him because he isn't committed to even trying to care for your needs.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Please outline the other issues/resentments.

You think they aren’t relevant - but they certainly are.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I haven't read every post in this thread, but it seems like a situation where the OP gave up her dreams and now dedicates her life to making the home and marriage work while the husband is no longer interested and feels pressured for sex.

This is the typical scenario outlined in the book _No More Mr Nice Guy_ but with the gender roles reversed. And at one point the OP's husband said that if the wife wants a nice life that she needs to go and figure that out for herself. HELLO! What he doesn't realize is that if the OP does so it will likely represent a dramatic change in lifestyle for him... but that is probably what needs to happen here. 

That doesn't mean divorce but it means that the OP should NOT be sacrificing her dreams anymore. She needs to pursue them even if doing so seems selfish. That will create a dynamic in which the OP's husband no longer feels responsible/guilty for his wife's lack of happiness. She will become responsible for that herself and pursue her own self development. Odds are that doing so will make her look attractive to her husband again. She will of course no longer need him for validation and he will need her (thus he will begin desiring and chasing her again if it is not too late). 

My advice to the OP is to visualize yourself having to date again. Reverse the roles so that in this visualization that you date a man exactly as you have described yourself. So this would be a man that sacrificed all his dreams to take care of his wife. He stays home to cook and clean for her and feels resentful because she starves him for intimacy. ... exactly what would a relationship with this person be like? Would you have an issue with the fact that he gave up all his dreams and no longer tries to pursue them? Would you fight over who gets to cook for the other? If the food he cooked tasted bad, would you complain to him? If he din't put things back in the kitchen the way you like them, would that cause a problem? Now it is not all that bad, some parts of this imaginary relationship would be great. The point of this exercise is just to help you visualize yourself in a way that may be helpful/insightful towards working toward improving things. 

At the end of the day I'm afraid your husband is exactly right. If you want to be happy you need to go figure out what that is on your own and do not hold him responsible for it. He needs to come home to find you already happy and with exciting things that you want to share with him that hopefully he will appreciate.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Your marriage is a mess woman. You have a man that doesn't care about a relationship with his wife or kids. He is being selfish. He probably always was. Once he got you, he stopped trying to win you over. YOU need to change this. Stop pursuing him. He doesn't deserve the family he has. Live your lives without him. He said you should. Take him on his words. He will not like it. You need to do things with your kids. If he doesn't want to do them, then leave him out! Selfish jerk needs to grow up. 20 years of crap is what he gave you in return for all that love and devotion. He screams at you? Don't tolerate it. Walk out and away for hours. Enjoy a movie or two, heck maybe 3! Dissapear for hours to a spa or just window shopping. Stop asking him for anything. He is a screaming bully!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Not relevant, are you sure?
> 
> There are more connections than you may be giving credit to... some of the things I shared earlier I learned from the RAIN mindfulness tool, below is it in full for your reading but feel free to dismiss if you feel it doesn't apply:
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this, it’s an awesome read!!!!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

That’s it? Are you going to answer any questions people have asked?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A man saying he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife is a very powerful statement.

Since he doesn’t appear to be packing his bags to move on to someone he wants a love life with, I would be curious to know what he DOES want from you? 

A housekeeper? A cook? A babysitter? A nurse with a purse? 

If he doesn’t want sex, then what utility is he wanting to extract from you?

And the more important question is, are you willing to continue to provide that, knowing he doesn’t want a sex life with you?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

When did the sex drop off? Has he had his T level checked? People tend to jump on the cheating train when guy is not interrested in sex. If guy is over 35 first and formost check T levels. 
People jumping to say cheating is like sayong a woman behaving differently going in to menopause must be cheating.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> So you have no evidence he masturbates other than he rarely has sex with you? And because he lies about other things you assume he lies about masturbation?
> 
> You might be putting him into a lose-lose situation. It's terrible that he lies, but you come off a bit forcefully and it's possible he's scared to give you a truthful answer because of how he thinks you'll react. And that might be the core of the "harassment" issue. The path you're going is not one that is going to make him comfortable opening up and being honest with you.
> 
> ...


No evidence, I wished I had, that would put this doubt to rest!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> When did the sex drop off? Has he had his T level checked? People tend to jump on the cheating train when guy is not interrested in sex. If guy is over 35 first and formost check T levels.
> People jumping to say cheating is like sayong a woman behaving differently going in to menopause must be cheating.


He had a physical routine and he did have his T levels checked, everything was notmal.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Ya. I'm getting that you might need to be firm and calmly take a stand.
> 
> If he won't even communicate or be willing to get help, you are stuck with doing the marriage his way, not acceptable, or any number of things for yourself.
> 
> ...


It seriously gets frustrating And I decide on not doing anything at all for him, no making tea/coffee, making lunches/dinners for him, but that is where the problem is, I end up doinf everything, thinking “That is wrong, he is the one who brings money afterall!” 
I don’t work and am entirely dependent on him!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Yes, you did mention you could be assuming, but I would, as you say, assume that you understand you have an entirely different set of issues if your assumption is not correct.
> 
> Could you have a conversation with your husband about de-escalating things? Starting over, clearing the air, no assumptions? Could you admit to him that you might at times jump the gun about things, creating extra stress & anxiety that doesn't need to be there? That becoming closer and opening up about the issues each of you has might be pretty painful at first but you can't fix what you don't know, and right now your marriage needs fixing?
> 
> If you just want someone to blame things on, then hire an attorney and get a divorce going. If you still feel you love this guy, you need to explore the de-escalation route and open up clear channels of communication. Things might not be what you think. Or what he thinks.


I always wished we could have a quiet, meaningful conversation! But he starts the blaming game, “you said this, you said that!” And these past days, he says something and then twists and turns the whole things, saying “I never said that!” And the yelling, it is intolerable, yet I have to bear with it!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> I don’t understand why you want so badly to stay in a marriage when your husband doesn’t spend time with the family, doesn’t respect nor honor you and ignores you for days at a time and yells at you when you do communicate with him.
> 
> Really, seems like you’d be better off without him - so you can also pursue all your dreams that were placed on the back burner.
> 
> Stop catering to a man who neglects and mistreats you.


Honestly, at this point I am not sure what I want to do 
And I think about the Kids mostly, and I am fully dependent upon him. He knows that and probably takes advantage of the situation!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> That’s it? Are you going to answer any questions people have asked?


I am answering!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your marriage is a mess woman. You have a man that doesn't care about a relationship with his wife or kids. He is being selfish. He probably always was. Once he got you, he stopped trying to win you over. YOU need to change this. Stop pursuing him. He doesn't deserve the family he has. Live your lives without him. He said you should. Take him on his words. He will not like it. You need to do things with your kids. If he doesn't want to do them, then leave him out! Selfish jerk needs to grow up. 20 years of crap is what he gave you in return for all that love and devotion. He screams at you? Don't tolerate it. Walk out and away for hours. Enjoy a movie or two, heck maybe 3! Dissapear for hours to a spa or just window shopping. Stop asking him for anything. He is a screaming bully!


The only place I go to is the gym! I don’t go anytime else. But I have to make myself strong and start living my life, I have been so extra caring for him, high time now, I take care of myself! As for my Kids, will always do what needs to be done.


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Believeingod said:


> I always wished we could have a quiet, meaningful conversation! But he starts the blaming game, “you said this, you said that!” And these past days, he says something and then twists and turns the whole things, saying “I never said that!” And the yelling, it is intolerable, yet I have to bear with it!


Mmm My Husband likes to play the blame game too. If I say he's upset me for any reason it ends up that he has to justify exactly why he upset me rather than apologise, discuss it and move on, it's always boils down to what I've done or said. I feel your pain. If my Husband was as bad as yours sounds I would have long gone. I can't understand why you'd actually want to have sex with him. My Husband functions normally, has no health issues and no reason why he can't have sex, indeed he says he's ready and willing yet when I've tried to discuss it and ask for his view point on our relationship and why he doesn't initiate he just answers with "Why don't you" You really need to find some way to talk through things together and work out what's going on.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> He had a physical routine and he did have his T levels checked, everything was notmal.


Do you know the level #. The hormone panel is not typically checked during physical blood work. Levels range from 450-1200 on the chart my Dr uses. Stated men usually feel best around 1100. At 37 my level was down to 223. He may be at 450 and the Dr would say he is normal. That range may be for men from 25-65. 450 might be normal for 65 yr old but at 49 i could not function well at 450. 

With low T a man is on autopilot. Sex is not really even on the radar. I could have had the entire playmate calander in my living room in the buff and i would tell them to move they ate blocking the tv.

Does he seem tired in evening or not sleeping well. Night sweats? Soft erection?


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Do you know the level #. The hormone panel is not typically checked during physical blood work. Levels range from 450-1200 on the chart my Dr uses. Stated men usually feel best around 1100. At 37 my level was down to 223. He may be at 450 and the Dr would say he is normal. That range may be for men from 25-65. 450 might be normal for 65 yr old but at 49 i could not function well at 450.
> 
> With low T a man is on autopilot. Sex is not really even on the radar. I could have had the entire playmate calander in my living room in the buff and i would tell them to move they ate blocking the tv.
> 
> Does he seem tired in evening or not sleeping well. Night sweats? Soft erection?


I gotta be honest, I have no idea about these numbers All I know, from what he told me, his levels are on the normal side. 

He works from home. Tired? He is always on his laptop, okay I understand that he needs to work, he is a software engineer, but bringing the laptop in the bedroom almost, almost every day!!!!
And here I am, waiting for him in the bed, even if I want to make the move, arouse him, pretty much impossible, always glued on his Laptop!


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> I gotta be honest, I have no idea about these numbers All I know, from what he told me, his levels are on the normal side.
> 
> He works from home. Tired? He is always on his laptop, okay I understand that he needs to work, he is a software engineer, but bringing the laptop in the bedroom almost, almost every day!!!!
> And here I am, waiting for him in the bed, even if I want to make the move, arouse him, pretty much impossible, always glued on his Laptop!


Did you try various techniques to arouse him by any chance ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Plum said:


> Mmm My Husband likes to play the blame game too. If I say he's upset me for any reason it ends up that he has to justify exactly why he upset me rather than apologise, discuss it and move on, it's always boils down to what I've done or said. I feel your pain. If my Husband was as bad as yours sounds I would have long gone. I can't understand why you'd actually want to have sex with him. My Husband functions normally, has no health issues and no reason why he can't have sex, indeed he says he's ready and willing yet when I've tried to discuss it and ask for his view point on our relationship and why he doesn't initiate he just answers with "Why don't you" You really need to find some way to talk through things together and work out what's going on.


Why? I think of that too! But in reality, I can never visualize myself being intimate with another man in my life! Yes, he makes me angry, he yells at me, but still, I can’t think of doing it with another man! 

So, this morning, he proposed we, either see a counselor OR start everything afresh, leave everything behind and start all over again!
He asked me what I wanted to do, to which I replied, “If we start from zero, we have to talk about few things, resolve the unresolved issues” and he said “ok” Even told me he shouldn’t be yelling at me!

And hour ago, I asked him, are we ready to talk?
He replies “I thought we already did!”
So you see, I don’t know what to do, am trying my best!
And it’s not like his mind is preoccupied or anything, why I say this, is because, he is very normal when he talks to other people over the phone!
I sometimes feel, he takes me very much for granted!


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Why? I think of that too! But in reality, I can never visualize myself being intimate with another man in my life! Yes, he makes me angry, he yells at me, but still, I can’t think of doing it with another man!
> 
> So, this morning, he proposed we, either see a counselor OR start everything afresh, leave everything behind and start all over again!
> He asked me what I wanted to do, to which I replied, “If we start from zero, we have to talk about few things, resolve the unresolved issues” and he said “ok” Even told me he shouldn’t be yelling at me!
> ...


Getting involved in another man isnt a solution, it would be messy rather than sorting things out. Its great to know you would like to be with him and is still giving all that you can.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just divorce him. He doesn’t even want a conversation with you - much less sex.

Don’t date anyone new until the divorce is final.

I’d suspect the affair is someone he’s contacting on his computer.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Did you try various techniques to arouse him by any chance ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not really.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Not really.


May I know the reason ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> May I know the reason ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


First of all he needs to be away from his computer in order for me to even try to arouse him! He is always on his pc/laptop


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> First of all he needs to be away from his computer in order for me to even try to arouse him! He is always on his pc/laptop


Have you ever tried asking him to watch porn together on the same computer he’s stuck with ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Have you ever tried asking him to watch porn together on the same computer he’s stuck with ?
> 
> The whole point is, if he’s stuck out there with a machine then can’t you show interest to arouse him by watching porn together ?
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you love this man? If you do, are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life with no sex?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Do you love this man? If you do, *are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life with no sex?*



You would be surprised how many people would....She's already admitted to be financially dependent on him....Heck. I'd bet that a lot of people would advise her not to rock that boat too much...Or wind up with a significant downgrade in quality of life and even then no guarantee of quality and worthwhile sex...

On a side note....All this talk of testosterone prompts me to respond....Testosterone treatment can have a benefit on libido, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will be directed at the wife...For all we know he is no longer into her sexually-in fact that is probably more likely to be the case...The possible end result of t treatment is now he starts chasing other women that he wouldn't normally have done..I can't speak for everyone, but even if I had T levels of a Alpha male silverback, it won't mean I would then eff a woman I "gave up" on....Usually once that ship sails it never comes back..


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## Plum (Apr 29, 2021)

Believeingod said:


> Why? I think of that too! But in reality, I can never visualize myself being intimate with another man in my life! Yes, he makes me angry, he yells at me, but still, I can’t think of doing it with another man!
> 
> So, this morning, he proposed we, either see a counselor OR start everything afresh, leave everything behind and start all over again!
> He asked me what I wanted to do, to which I replied, “If we start from zero, we have to talk about few things, resolve the unresolved issues” and he said “ok” Even told me he shouldn’t be yelling at me!
> ...


I'm a bit confused by the first part of your reply. I didn't say anything about having sex with anybody else, far from it, just you need to sort our your issues to resolve your current situation. 
It's great that he's suggested seeing a counsellor, at least he's acknowledges that things need to worked out and is willing to. 
Not sure starting from zero and ignoring the pastt is a good option, we tried that and old issues always find a way to bite you again unless they're properly worked through.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Have you ever tried asking him to watch porn together on the same computer he’s stuck with ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> No


Okay, so why havent you tried these stuff yet ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Do you love this man? If you do, are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life with no sex?


At this point in my life, I just don’t know what to say! Still glued to his pc!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Okay, so why havent you tried these stuff yet ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Never have thought about it


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Never have thought about it


Rather than being blank, now that you got a clue to handle such situation, atleast you can act now  plz check your private message for more info right now.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Never have thought about it


Watching porn with your husband will likely be problematic and just cause more problems. There are couples that do watch porn together but these are folks that likely established doing so very early in the relationship while there were no problems as a way to self explore as a couple.

In your situation you have some serious problems and if your husband uses porn he likely does so as an escape (as in to get away from things and not deal with problems). It would be similar to someone that refuses to have sex because he is always drunk alcoholic and being advised to go get drunk with him. That is not going to help solve the problems that causes someone to be drunk. 

My advice would be to write him a letter and explain exactly how you feel and ask him to write you one back. The point being is that you can't yell and argue back with written words. You take your time to comprehend them and then come back with a well thought out response. Perhaps that would help you each communicate clearly about issues in a non-confrontational way. 

Badsanta


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Watching porn with your husband will likely be problematic and just cause more problems. There are couples that do watch porn together but these are folks that likely established doing so very early in the relationship while there were no problems as a way to self explore as a couple.
> 
> In your situation you have some serious problems and if your husband uses porn he likely does so as an escape (as in to get away from things and not deal with problems). It would be similar to someone that refuses to have sex because he is always drunk alcoholic and being advised to go get drunk with him. That is not going to help solve the problems that causes someone to be drunk.
> 
> ...


Have done this too, write him an email and talk about everything, he will reply back, we will talk about how to work on the things bothering us, and after a week or so, it is back to square one!
Hooked on his laptop/pc!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> You would be surprised how many people would....She's already admitted to be financially dependent on him....Heck. I'd bet that a lot of people would advise her not to rock that boat too much...Or wind up with a significant downgrade in quality of life and even then no guarantee of quality and worthwhile sex...
> 
> On a side note....All this talk of testosterone prompts me to respond....Testosterone treatment can have a benefit on libido, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will be directed at the wife...For all we know he is no longer into her sexually-in fact that is probably more likely to be the case...The possible end result of t treatment is now he starts chasing other women that he wouldn't normally have done..I can't speak for everyone, but even if I had T levels of a Alpha male silverback, it won't mean I would then eff a woman I "gave up" on....Usually once that ship sails it never comes back..


If T is low you're not much interrested in sex with anyone. That comes across like you're not interrested in your wife, but in reality...Megan Fox in Transformers could not get a brow lift from you.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> If T is low you're not much interrested in sex with anyone. That comes across like you're not interrested in your wife, but in reality...Megan Fox in Transformers could not get a brow lift from you.


Nope.....but believe whatever you want.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> If T is low you're not much interrested in sex with anyone. That comes across like you're not interrested in your wife, but in reality...Megan Fox in Transformers could not get a brow lift from you.


T isn’t low!


hamadryad said:


> Nope.....but believe whatever you want.


????


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Have done this too, write him an email and talk about everything, he will reply back, we will talk about how to work on the things bothering us, and after a week or so, it is back to square one!
> Hooked on his laptop/pc!


When you talk about your problems, do you admit to your own faults and ask for help?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> T isn’t low!
> 
> ????


What is his T#. A T# that is fine for an 80 yr old man aint so much for a 30 yr old. But that same # could be considered in the normal range.
My dad's PCP always said he was fine on T. But when I said he needed another opinion, he went to VA dr. that put him on TRT. Get a copy of his bloodwork and look at his levels.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

For someone that is frustrated OP, you are being very passive aggressive towards your spouse. This is not one bit helpful. If you got a response with the email and it lasted a week, then he does listen. 

You need to rehash this and make sure that on certain nights the laptop is off the table for him to spend time with you. 

Intimacy time. The sex and the intimacy needs to be worked on. You need dedicated time without distractions. 

Put your needs on paper and what you want from him regarding alone time with you. Listen to him as well if he has something to say too. Reach a loving compromise where both of you get what you need. 

If he is not consistent, You make him shut off the computer or leave to a different room and he is not allowed to come to bed with the laptop attached to him. 

Things may go sour, but at least you don't have to see him replacing time he owes you with intimacy on his darn computer. You will have to decide what you can and definitely can not tolerate any longer.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm sorry you are having this problem, but here's the thing. He already knows you want more sex. Telling him over and over won't help. There is a reason he isn't giving it to you. That could be a health concern, resentment, etc. In either event, you need to try to find out why, in a calm, caring way. It's easy to say, not so easy to do, but it's important. You said he feels harassed, which indicates that he may feel attacked and/or pressured by the way you approach him, not necessarily the subject matter - although maybe a bit of both.

The way you're going about it obviously isn't working, so you need to try something new.

Also, he could be talking/masturbating with other women online if he's that glued to his laptop, leaving nothing for you. I'd consider that cheating, and that's a different conversation altogether.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> What is his T#. A T# that is fine for an 80 yr old man aint so much for a 30 yr old. But that same # could be considered in the normal range.
> My dad's PCP always said he was fine on T. But when I said he needed another opinion, he went to VA dr. that put him on TRT. Get a copy of his bloodwork and look at his levels.


I don’t know the numbers, all I know he said his Doctor said the levels are normal.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

theloveofmylife said:


> I'm sorry you are having this problem, but here's the thing. He already knows you want more sex. Telling him over and over won't help. There is a reason he isn't giving it to you. That could be a health concern, resentment, etc. In either event, you need to try to find out why, in a calm, caring way. It's easy to say, not so easy to do, but it's important. You said he feels harassed, which indicates that he may feel attacked and/or pressured by the way you approach him, not necessarily the subject matter - although maybe a bit of both.
> 
> The way you're going about it obviously isn't working, so you need to try something new.
> 
> Also, he could be talking/masturbating with other women online if he's that glued to his laptop, leaving nothing for you. I'd consider that cheating, and that's a different conversation altogether.


I don’t really know what he is doing!
I have no proofs, just an assumption.
But am going to have a conversation with him, it is driving me crazy, am having a lot of anxiety lately.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

badsanta said:


> When you talk about your problems, do you admit to your own faults and ask for help?


I absolutely do, have always accepted if I see am in the wrong! It’s him who hardly does 
Twists and turns things, changes the narrative!!!!
It is frustrating


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Bibi1031 said:


> For someone that is frustrated OP, you are being very passive aggressive towards your spouse. This is not one bit helpful. If you got a response with the email and it lasted a week, then he does listen. You need to rehash this and make sure that on certain nights the laptop is off the table for him to spend time with you. Intimacy time. The sex and the intimacy needs to be worked on. You need dedicated time without distractions. Put your needs on paper and what you want from him regarding alone time with you. Listen to him as well if he has something to say too. Reach a loving compromise where both of you get what you need. If he is not consistent, You make him shut off the computer or leave to a different room and he is not allowed to come to bed with the laptop attached to him. Things may go sour, but at least you don't have to see him replacing time he owes you with intimacy on his darn computer. You will have to decide what you can and definitely can not tolerate any longer.


Thanks for your message I am thinking to initiate a conversation with him today, am just so uncomfortable, he is doing his usual stuff, not sure if he is even bothered!
It’s been days since we talked!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> I absolutely do, have always accepted if I see am in the wrong! It’s him who hardly does
> Twists and turns things, changes the narrative!!!!
> It is frustrating


When your husband twists and turns a conversation and gets upset about something, you should recognize that as an area that he feel vulnerable. Then reflect on some ideas as to why he feels vulnerable.

Anger and frustration are the mask of vulnerability. It is helpful to keep that in mind as you keep trying and reflecting on things to try and figure out what you are working with. 

I rarely make accusations, but it is possible that there is a mental health issue causing him to withdraw. The past year has been difficult and those on a mental health edge have likely exhausted their ability to cope and pass (behave normal) with others. 

I always remind myself to pay close attention to behaviors related to diet, sleep, and exercise. If you can't improve intimacy, shift to working towards improving one of those three for both of you. Use that as a primary form of healing/therapy until you find your footing to begin dealing with things again. 

Badsanta


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## Irish Man (May 10, 2021)

Believeingod said:


> Hi All,
> We have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. Have had ups and downs in our marriage, tried and still trying to cope with the situation/issues. My husband today said that he doesn’t feel like having sex with me because I have been harassing him! And what is the harassment? That I tell him he lies a lot and masturbates! I have many reasons why I say so! About telling him that he masturbates, what led me to say so? He barely has sex with me, and I know I might be assuming, might be wrong, but it’s only because he hardly does it even though I have brought it up several times! We do have arguments, many in fact, but am doing what needs to be done, taking care of the house, cooking and even taking care of my Husband. But then, what about me? Who is thinking about me?
> And today, today was the limit! Not sure what I should do when my husband tells me he doesn’t feel like having sex with me!
> I know he isn’t having an affair or anything.
> ...


I wouldn't worry about your husband masturbating. All men masturbate, including many many men that have a great sex life in a loving marriage. I also work from home and I went through years of having a sexless marriage. We would only have sex maybe twice a year. It was very depressing and an unhappy time for me. I wanted lots of sex and my wife avoided it. I felt so rejected. But I loved my wife and she told me she loved me. To be honest I didn't believe her, if she loved me then why no sex. 
I think a big part of the problem was that we got complacent with each other. We have 4 children and are 23 years married. With me working form home we spent so much time together and simply went through the motions of work, cleaning the house, feeding the kids and general day to day things and we didn't leave any time for us. I asked her to go to counselling with me and she said she didn't want to. I told her I missed her and we agreed to have a nice romantic dinner once a week. No phones, no computers, no TV and no kids. We tried this and it worked really well. We discovered why we fell in love in the first place. We continued having our weekly dinners and we were able to discuss our sex life. I explained that it wasn't just the physical satisfaction I missed but the emotional connection with my wife that I missed. She said she missed it but didn't know why she didn't want sex. As we were getting on better we ended up having sex one night and it was amazing. More importantly my wife enjoyed it. We now have an amazing sex life. 

I think the most important thing to do is to talk and tell each other exactly what u like and dislike with sex. Rather than having an argument about masturbation maybe ask him can u watch him masturbate. Maybe ask him would he like to watch you masturbate. I would be shocked if he refused. It is a real turn on for most men. Also, by masturbating in front of your partner it builds a huge emotional connection as you are letting someone share the most private thing possible. My wife and I introduced masturbation into our sex life and it is wonderful how close it makes me feel to her. 6 months ago I was thinking I either accept a sexless marriage or we divorce and now there is no woman on the planet I would like to have sex with other than my wife. There is hope but you need to talk and allocate some special time just for the two of you


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

are you hoping we will give you approval of harassing him?

sounds like he is at his wits end, and that is his only way of communicating to you that you are domineering him?


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