# Married 20 years _ wife said she no longer loves me



## I_am_Molari

reading posts here and other information on the web, this seems like a common thing.. but GOD does it hurt! She told me right after Thanksgiving that she has been growing and changing, and that she just does not love me romantically anymore. 2 great kids, and she still wants me to continue being their dad, and to keep supporting them and her, financially. About a week later, she opened up and said she hasn't really loved me for about 8 years, but never felt compelled to let me know..plus some tragic things happened a few years back that kept her from "hurting" me then. 

I have been in a fog for weeks, alternating between mad and confused to apathetic, to calm and forgiving. I have thought about trying to rekindle some sort of romatic love, but I'm not a spontaneous, exciting guy and think anything to reconnect will drive her further away. 

And enought sob story. Here are my questions:

- We are going to counseling next week. What should we expect?
- if the past 8 years were a lie, how can I trust that she actualy wants to work on this marriage, and not just keep me around to pay the bills?
- She has been pretty clear that she does not even like me romantically. Is this a physical thing? I've been told I'm ok to look at, a few pounds heavy, but still have most my hair. Since she is around fitness trainers all the time, am I just pathetic to her? 

I've never posted to any site, so I'm curious what kind of responses I get. Thanks.


----------



## Mom2DecBoyz

Awww, I'm so sorry!

I really don't know what advice to give you. It's sad to think she is keeping you around to pay bills, does she not work at all? Is she capable of supporting herself?

I hope the counseling helps you guys work through it.

p.s. a lot of girls like bald/balding guys, don't get worried about it being your looks.


----------



## geo

that is a hard pill to swallow, the comment about keeping you around to basically pay the bills would put me on defense myself, maybe that is the intention though. hope some clarity comes from the counseling, good luck.


----------



## the guy

I find it odd, most women won't set them selves up for an exsit, enless they have something on the back burner to connect with, and fall back on.

I'm sure she has an agenda, or why wait so many years. I sound like something or someone has ignited her exsit plan.

I just find it curious that she is faulting the marriage this late in the game. What has sparked her interest in leaving the security that she has?

Are ther any red flags that point to someone else? Texting the same #, or dressing up more, unexplained absents, or being more secretive with her cell and labtop?


----------



## jahenders

Similar thing happened to me shortly before our 20th anniversary. Out of the blue my wife said our marriage was "circling the drain." Then, in counseling it came out that she didn't miss me when I was gone. She never specfically said she didn't love me, but she made it very clear. She asked me to move out a few days before Christmas and we were separated for about 6 months. Then, we got back together and things were good for a year or two. Now (5 years after the first time), I'm sitting in Afghanistan. I went home for R&R a couple months ago and it was a DISASTER -- she slept in another room more often than not, talked/texted with friends while talking to me, and was basically cold as ice. Now, she's pretty much non-communicative on the phone and I honestly don't know what I'll be going home to, whether we'll do a family "re-integration" program (usually a marital retreat), or whether we'll really have anything to celebrate on our 25th anniversary. I honestly think she's happier with me on the other side of the planet.


----------



## sisters359

I'm so sorry this is happening to you at this time. 

Check out the information on "Walk Away Wife" syndrome (google it) to see if that might explain this turn in your marriage. Be honest with yourself because you will need to understand your part if you want to find happiness eventually, one way or another. If the situation doesn't seem relevant, then just ignore it. You can figure out your part later.

Right now, start taking care of yourself--things may get worse before they get better. 

If she does not get to a point where she finds you desirable again, then she is just going through the motions--often as much for the kids' sake as anything else. That's where your ability to stand up for yourself comes in--if you do not want to feel used, then figure out what is sufficient evidence, to you, of a real commitment from her, and insist (for yourself) on not settling for less. Just b/c she may want to sustain the family unit it does not mean you have to, now that you are aware of these issues. But you can choose to keep the family together, too, as you consider what you really want and expect from the marriage. 

It's a very tough road, so good luck.


----------



## marriedguy41

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedguy41

I'm in a similar situation. 15 years two kids she says she loves me but not In Love. Wants the financial support but not touching, hugging or loving. Trying to understand how long she has felt this way and what I did. She hasn't considered life after divorce and her getting a full time job. 

At least she is doing counseling with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Atholk

What she said is designed to break you as a person. You're meant to just crumple and fold and give her anything she wants.

There's almost certainly another man in the picture.


----------



## zsu234

She's in an affair.


----------



## I_am_Molari

I found this posting from 2010, and wanted to write a response. Mostly for my own therapy. We did try counseling. I don't think she was really present during the sessions. She drifted further away. Staying out on the weekends until 1 or 2. Going to weekend conventions. And breaking our date nights. She filed for divorce in February this year and was done in mid April. 

And yes, she was having an affair. I found out recently that she met him in 2010 and has been involved with him all this time. Word of wisdom to others. If you suspect an affair, do not accept it when she says "no, I am not having an affair". I had seen her lie many times before and she is good at it. 

To anyone reading this going through something similar, know that life goes on. Grieve, get angry, heal, and move on. It is painful if you care, but recognize that she probably does not care at all and forgot about you a long time ago. Protect yourself first and do not trust that she is doing the best for anyone but herself. 

Good luck.


----------



## A++

I'm sorry for what happened to you.


----------



## LiamN

Two points to consider:
1) What do YOU really want? Deep in your heart do YOU love her? What would your ideal relationship look like and can you honestly see her in it?
2) It really sounds like that what has happened is that she is no longer feeling attraction towards you. Think back to the early times of your relationship can you remember what you used to do that she liked? Identify specifically what those things are and see if you can start doing some of those things again.
There IS a difference between lack of attraction and lack of love. Once you start working on rebuilding the attraction (using what used to work) it will often give a different outlook for people who say they are no longer in love.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

She is having a mid life crisis.

All your sacrifice and support is now unimportant.
You are expect to be placeholder and moneybag for her kids when it suits her.

Any attempt at communication with her will be interpretted as you trying to control her life.

Welcome to the club.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Was he a fitness trainer?


----------



## SasZ79

Zombie Thread.


----------

