# 24 Year Marriage and She is done and I"m not



## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

Where to begin; I guess the beginning. I am 44 soon to be 45 years old. My parents were divorce in 1968 and my dad got custody of me (I know WOW). My mom used to put me to bed in the evening and go out partying when I was less than 3 years old. My dad worked nights. My dad later remarried and my new mom was abusive. I was a bed wetter and would get beatings for doing it, all kinds of different abuse that we wont go into. There was mental and physical abuse throughout my childhood. I never really dealt with any of those issues and never really realized that I would need to. I couldnt go back and change the past no matter how much it hurt. I moved out and joined the Army. I was stationed in Germany for 2 years and did pretty much what all 19 an 20 year olds guys do. 

I then met my wife a couple of days before my 21st birthday. She had just recently arrived in country from North Carolina and we immediately became infatuated with one another. We thought was love. She was 19. We were married within three months of meeting one another. She got pregnant within a month of us getting married. We both went back to the states to meet each other families. She miscarried the pregnancy while there. We went back to Germany. She had to go to the field for an exercise for a couple of weeks. She came home within a few days and surprised me. She had only a little while but wanted sex. After we had sex, she then told me that she had cheated on me while in the field. 

I was CRUSHED, DEVASTED, as you can imagine. Wife cheating on me within 3 months of being married. I had just re-enlisted for another 3 years and extended my tour in Germany so we could stay together and now this. I tried to swallow my pride and my heart and we stayed together. My real mom was cheating on my dad, my step mom was abusive and now my wife cheated on me right from the jump. I believe I became a masoginist. We came back to the states within 18 months. 

She got out and I still had time left to serve. She started a new job and developed a strong relationship with some of her male coworkers which absolutely infuriated me. One guys wife actually found out where I lived and came and told me that my wife was having an affair with her husband. The of course denied it and with no proof. I swallowed this as I had in the past. I then caught her playing footsy under our kitchen table with one of my cousins husband. Which I blow my top about and of course it was all him and nothing to do with her. Then we had a newly divorced man move in across the street from us and she developed a strong "friendly" relationship with him and his kids. I was transfered out of state with my job and she was going to follow within a couple of months. Of course when I got there she decided that she was not going to go. She was contemplating staying and maybe with the guy across the street.

Shortly before this time, I did get a BJ from an office receptionist. I did flirt with other women during this time but had no other sexual contact. She finally decided to move with the kids to where I was transferred to. She was unhappy at the new location and would stay up all night chatting on the computer with people. I hated that as well. We were transferred again to another state and she was happy there because it was her home state. 

I loved that location but hated the new job. I then transferred our family to another state. During all this time we would argue, Not fairly on either part and she would ask me for a divorce all the time. We would never go through with it. We would use sex as a make up tool and things would kind of get back to normal. This cycle happed for years. During this time some of our fights would grow substantially worse and then one night she got me to confess to the affair from several years ago (BJ). 

She then quit the job she had and went out and found a career job. This job she excelled at and was promoted several times. During this time our relationship was like it had always been, extreme highs and lows. Threatened divorce and make up. By now we had a teenage daughter and son. My daughter and her mother went out of town with our daughters boyfriend and boyfriends mother and her boyfriends best friend. Our daughter caught her mother butt ass naked with her boyfriends best friend at the hotel they were staying at. Supposedly he was too drunk to complete the transaction and our daughter didnt tell me about this. The next day my wife was in a bad car wreck and the incident was put on a back burner for my wife and daughter.

My wife was then diagnosed with Graves desease. Which her thyroid would pumped so many extra chemicals into her body that it couldnt handle it. She was then asked to take another promotion to another state and we moved again. Now her graves desease had been going on for several months and she was getting really in bad shape. She started having extreme bouts of paranoid behavior. We also got hooked on cocaine - for about three months was really bad. During this time my wife had sex with two more of our daughters friends 18 or 19 year olds and she is in her 40s. 

Within one year of taking this new job she walked out of a 100,000 a year job and had sex with kids and went through a bad coke problem. One day we couldnt find her and she would answer anybodies calls. She had tried to commit suicide. She was placed in the hospital and diagnosed with paraniod schizophrenia. Our daughter told me to finally let her go and give her the divorce that she had wanted so many times. I then found out the same day that she had had sex with these kids from my daughter. She had kept these secrets for so long that she couldnt anymore. I of course was even more devasted. Suicidal wife, who cheated on me with teenage boys and still had my kids living at home. I again tried to swallow the big pile of crap laid before me.

I spoke to her parents and found out that they had put my wife in a home for teens when she was a kid because she had mental issues that they couldnt deal with. So now a picture was forming in my mind about some kind of life long mental illness that was never diagnosed. She got on meds and lived the life of a zombie for 6 months and decided that she was feeling better with her desease and stopped seeing her doctor and taking the meds. Things seemed relatively ok. Still fought and made up the same way we allways had. I will also throw into the mix that after the car wreck from a while back she has two herniated discs in her back which has her living in constant pain 24/7. 

She/we smoke pot frequently for her pain and Im someone to do it with. Now we fast forward to recent days. She had to work out of town the past four months living in a hotel with her coworkers. 2 men and a woman. They are divorced. My wife develops this "Friends" relationship with two of them, the woman and one of the men. I of course still can not stand this. She text msgs this guy hundreds of times a month and call him many times a month and she lives at the hotel with him five days a week. We fight about it regularly and of course she tells me that it is just friends and I am being completly wrong. She will go out to dinner with this guy, ride around in the car with him all day. They go and sit in the hot tub together in the evenings. I really hate it. 

Things continually gets worse every week between us. She refuses to answer my calls, texts or anything. She doesnt come home on weekends because she is mad at me. Finally she tells me that she want a divorce and will be moving out as soon as she can afford to. This is Thanksgiving day. Yea for me. 

Then the day before christmas eve she gets in our bathtub and slits her wrists with a steak knife and call this guy shes been with so she wont die alone. Of course we are again in the physc ward of the hospital over the Christmas holiday. The physc doc tells her that he doesnt think she has paranoia or schizophrenia. He tells her that he thinks she is just depressed about our relationship. They let her out after four days. 

She again comes home and decides she cant stay and goes to live with her friend; the woman from the hotel out of town. Of course I have no idea where that is. Or if she is even actually living there. She then comes home after new years and says she hates me and want a divorce and she only comes by occassionally to seen our 17 year old son. I know she has some kind of mental issues but now that she is out of the hospital she will not see a doctor at all. Her friends tell her to stay away from me and to get healthy. I dont know if they have any idea about her entire past or if they just think I am a crazy husband and she should leave me. 

I of course immediately started reading about relationships and discovered that I contributed to our destruction and of course I know of her mental past and how it has affected our life. I also see how my childhood, and my inability to forgive, and my almost hatred of woman caused such a torment in my wife that she just could not deal with any more. I am now going to church, seeing a counselor and trying to get myself better. She still wants nothing to do with me. I still love her even though we have given each other many reasons to leave. I have abandonment issues I know. I cant forgive. I believe I have codependency issues as well and I am diligently working on these issues and I am getting better, she has basically moved on.

We speak when she is here and I try and tell her about my progress and she says that she doesnt see us as a couple "right now" She says she doesnt want to hurt me, but she has to get healthy. I want us to work on getting healthy together and working on our issues with help together. I guess Im living a pipe dream and should probably move on. 

I then look at my son and I see myself as a divorced kid and I promised myself that I would never let my children have to deal with a step parent. I am currently on anti-deppressants, I couldnt take it anymore, I need some help.

I know this is really long, but I would appreciate some thoughts about this situation, maybe they will help me either move on or continue to pray for help and possible reconcilliation


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You have quite a story. A relationship is so very difficult by any means but you have dealt with multiple affairs and mental illness. 

I think you both are at a spot, it seems, that it would be wise to continue the path of working on yourself. You know that you each need to be healthy for your children....independently. 

I know this next statement may be harsh. When you stated that "I would never let my chidlren have to deal with a step parent." You may need to think about this in a healthy manner.

What your kids have been subjected to by their biological parents are probably WAY worse than what a step parent could do. They have been subjected to 3 very harmful things.
1. Their mother multi affairs...many with their friends.
2. Their mothers suicidal behaviors.
3. Severe and often untreated mental illness.

I would say. Get healthy and stay away from your wife for a good long while. I can't recommend divorce but find your way. These issues, whether from childhood or your present pain, will haunt you if you don't deal with them now. It's brave of you to confront these issues. Let your wife gain her health on her own...afterall you've tried to help for 24 years. She needs to do this one for her.


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

Thank you for taking the time to read this "novel". I have been getting counseling at my church. I have been reading books constantly and I have realized how my past and her infidelity caused me to treat her badly. I have done it wrong so many times and didnt even know it or didnt even care. I have been lazy in my relationship and did not do the work. I know that now. Of course doesnt everybody realize their mistakes when its too late or almost too late. I am getting better and I am learning about the emotional and mental abuse that I brought to the marriage. I realize my wrongs and would like to possibly get the chance to try and correct them. I dont know if I will get that chance. I still love her, but that could be the sick me talking and not a healthy me.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

This is such an unhealthy story and I feel terrible for your entire family...

Good for you for getting counseling and really making an effort to own up to your part of the deal. That takes a big man. 

My suggestion would be to continue on your path of self discovery, repentance and growth. But you should also lay down some boundaries for your marriage. If your wife can't stay within those (such as NOT getting naked with anybody, much less a friend of her own daughter), you need to distance yourself for your sake, hers and that of your children. I too can't recommend divorce, but you both need help!

Blessings to you on this difficult journey.


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## mwdbuckeye (Jan 17, 2010)

I thank you for taking the time to read. Obviously there is plenty of stuff that I did to contribute to this nightmare is not fully exposed. I believe that I have been depressed for some time and its be undiagnosed. I started taking the wellbutrin and felt immediately better. My wife says that I have mentally and emotionally abused her and I am ashamed. She has called me a narcissist for years. I have been a taker and not much of a giver. I have not been very romantic at all over the years. I am at fault for much of it. I have built so many walls around my heart and head that I need a nuclear bomb to destroy them. I am seeking god and allowing me to forgive myself also.


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