# Please Help! I need advice



## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I joined this forum because I'm at my wits end and I don't know what else to do. My wife and I have been together for almost 2 years and have been married for 1 year come this febuary, I'm 25 and she is 24. We first met at work and started hanging out during our breaks and lunches and I was good friends with her brother. At first I honestly didn't even consider dating her but the more we hung out the more I got to know her and found out we had alot of things in common that I just never had with any other previous relationship.

It got to the point where I started getting attracted to her and one night at work as I was walking by where she was working our eyes locked and she smiled at me. It was if the world just stood still for a moment and a shock wave of something power hit me and I said to myself "This girl is the one" nobody has EVER made me feel that way and from then on out I was hooked.

So I eventually let her know how I felt and she was happy to know I felt that way because she had a crush on me for years but I don't remember. We we're great together, we had the love that most people only saw in movies or something disney could come up with. About 6 months into the relationship things started getting rocky between us and she finally one night told me she wanted to be with her friend because she had always wanted too. Now her friend is a lesbian so that wasn't an easy thing to swallow. So she left me and the very next night at work I met them coming back from the time clock and they where arm n arm holding hands and quickly went the other way when they saw me, she said she didn't want me to see that.

2 months later her and her GF decide that it just wasn't what they thought it would be and called it quits, after that happened i saw her crying in the parking lot, Now I love her more than life itself so I went to comfort her and we talked for hours and decided to give us another try. Things where better than ever mainly cause I think she felt guilty about what she did. During the time we where apart I joined the ARMY because I felt I had nothing else anymore. She was very supportive of my decision. Christmas rolls around and I propose to her and we got married a couple of months before I left for Basic training.

All throughout my 7 months of training we kept in touch with letters and phone calls and she would constantly tell me that she loves me and only wants to be with me and couldn't wait for me to come home. So eventually I graduated and she came and picked me up and we got home and started our life together. Of course we had our fights but nothing was ever major just small things and I see now that it was more me than her. I have a problem of wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting things get to me pretty easily because of past relationships. 

Things got to a point where we would hardley ever spend time together and stayed in seperate rooms for most of the day. We still slept in the same bed but there where nights where I stayed on the couch to avoid confrontation and making things worse. Now I have never cheated on my wife, I till this day take our Vows to be a sacred and cherished thing. I can't see myself with nobody else.

Ok fast forward till now, Keep in mind that its almost christmas, yesterday I asked her whats wrong and she told me she don't wanna do this till after christmas and I said do what? Then she dropped my world...She said "I don't think we should be together, it's not working out. I wasn't ready for a big commitment and I just want to be alone". I can't say I didn't see it coming but it doesn't hit you till it actually does. She left for work and I just fell apart. It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, more than a death in the family. She won't even consider working it out or seeking counseling, just wants to end it. We talked all night through text and I was down right begging for her to change her mind and just give me a second chance. Her respose everytime was a negative one saying she don't think it could ever be like it used too.

So in desperation I tried something that just came to me. I took every letter that she wrote me when I was in training and laid them all out on our bed, took every picture I could find of Just us together and hung them on the walls above the bed. Candles lit, music playing everything. She walks in the front door and I tell her that I love her and asked if she trusted me. She smiled and said why? I told her to close her eyes, turn around and come with me. I turn her around, I get down on one knee with the first engadgment ring I bought her and asked her "Will you still be my wife?" The tears came out of both of us like a waterfall. She basically said no so I fell to the floor and she sat with me and we talked. All I want is a second chance at making her happy again but she's got it in her mind that it will never happen. Sorry this is such a long post but I need to let this out. I love my wife very much and can't imagine being with anybody else. I leave for Iraq this summer and now I don't even know if I can make it without her as my support. That was another thing she said was she couldn't be alone for that long while I would be gone so if it would give me the slightest bit of hope I'm considering getting out of the army. I'll do anyting for her, What should I do? Any help is greatly appreciated


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

19 views no response? Come on people I need some advice asap! We agreed to stay together till after christmas! UPDATE: I just sent her a text telling her that I was thinking about us all night and looking back on our relationship and I realized alot of my faults and how I reacted to situations and I asked her if she would consider to just separate for awhile so she can have her space and really think about us. She wrote back saying "I will. I have my faults 2 and I haven't been the best wife. I really do love you n maybe we just need some room." Is that better? Does it seem that there might still be a chance for us?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

have you asked her why she doesnt want to be with you ? has she met someone else ? you both need to sit down and be totally honest with each other .. why do you want to be with someone who clearly dosent want to be with you ... YOU deserve better .. i dont think its fair or wise to ask someone to marry you when you have problems ,,back off a little let her breath a little and if need be move on ...


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I did ask her why and she feels we married too young and thinks she wants to be alone but in the same sense she thinks she will regret it. This is the only REAL relationship either on of us has ever really been in. 

No she hasn't met anybody else and I'm 100% sure about it because all she does is work (3rd shift btw) comes home and stays. I know this isn't the case

Could you elaborate a little more on why you say that I shouldn't have asked her to marry me because I have problems? I'm confused as to where you got that.

I am giving her space but how much space is too much? I want her to "Hunger" for me but not forget about me all together.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

with being so young her and still experimenting with a g.f thats what i meant with problems before marriage.
does she feel lonely with you being in the army ? i know one of my closest friends finds this incredible hard to deal with spending night after night alone.
for her to hunger for you .... then go back to dating make the time electric between you flowers favourite songs ..tell her that you want to fight for your marriage


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

and get rid of your text messaging ......face to face talking comunicating that way nothing can be takern the wrong way


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Yeah the whole GF thing hit me pretty hard because I didn't see it coming, they we're best friends before so I thought nothing of it. But i've been reading this book i picked up tonight and I'm learning a whole new approach to our marriage and just life in general and its actually helping me to feel better about myself. 

I imagine she does feel lonely, its a 2 way street in the military. But I tell her I do it because it will better our future in the long run, she's always in denial whenever I get activated for duty until a couple of days before I leave then it hits her and it makes it so much harder for me to leave. Thankfully the deployments aren't as long as they used to be!!! 

I thought about the whole dating thing but I just don't know where to start or even if she's up for that, I've told her several times that I will fight for her and this marriage because thats what she got when she married a soldier..."Always place the mission first, NEVER except defeat"

Thanks for your replies they are appreciated

Oh the texts? Only reason I texted her is because it all happened right before she left for work and its really hard for me to say this kinda stuff in person but I am trying


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

where to start with dating, wow id say never finish candles cook dinner ? a romantic walk ,a trip to the coast , love letters flowers all the things women love but dont tell you men !!! 
Army life isnt easy i know ive had my friend crying night after night , you need for her to remember why she married you and you both need to work hard so when you do have to go on duty your marriage can survive the time apart .. dont give up i cant help thinking she want you to sweep her of her feet !!


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I used to be a pretty romantic guy but i guess when I got "used" to being married and let it die down. It's hard to do things that envolve money because since I've been back no job wants to hire any military people because they are affraid of deployment but I was told by my last job that I might be able to come back after christmas but still sucks because I can't afford to buy her anything and it breaks my heart.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you dont need money to let her know you love her .. you said she smiled when you asked her if she trusted you ..well thats good .. what you could do is invite her to a home cooked meal and pamper her a massarge ? you both need to find each other again put the fun back into your marriage , she needs you to take the lead ..

on another note my friend always argues with her husband when he comes home its a kinda natrual thing to do then they are amazing together ..then a week before he goes back they argue again ..its a way they distants thierselfs from each other a protective shield to stop the hurt


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

marriage is all about ups and downs working things through making mistakes and learning to say sorry . we all have problems its making sure you deal with things, not letting silly things become major ..dont give up !!!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

work on saying what you mean. texting isnt good .
1. it can so easily be takern the wrong way
2. shes you wife you should be able to tell her whats in your heart 
3. she will appreciate it


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I try and do little things for her but it seems they go unnoticed or not appreciated. Like she would always ask me to change the liter box and I just wouldn't do it, i find it to be disgusting and they are her cats but as I was saying the book I'm reading told me to do one thing for her that I normally wouldn't do, so tonight I changed the liter box.

Thats the thing though I feel like she's always in the lead I feel that i'm the wife here!! and its frustrating as hell. Whenever I try to take the lead and be agressive she thinks i'm trying to control her but thats the last thing I want to dol

I would love to give her a massage as she always loved for me to rub her back till she falls asleep but right now she's so distant from me like last night there was atleast 3 feet in between us in bed and she stayed like that all night, at one point she got close and put her arm around my waist because I was crying about the whole thing but she didnt leave it there long. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in going on 3 days. I'm emotionally and physically drained, I am a tough soldier but a human too and I feel pain like everybody else.

I won't give up on us, she means to much to me and I am willing to do anything to try and get things back the way they where if not better.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

could you not have takern the lead and cuddled her ?? come on  take the lead hug her dont let thier be space between you ..shes your wife .

ive laid in bed at night after a silly argument just wishing my husband would just hold me ..dont be afraid to !! and dont stop talking
im sure things will get better if you keep working at it, good luck


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I do still show affection towards her but I don't know if I need to or not, I mean if she needs space I don't want to come off as needy. I'm trying to respect her wishes. Things are better between us today because we really sat down and talked about pretty much everything. We're still gonna go through with the seperation but I just hope to god its not gonna be long. She even said she would be the one to leave and go back to her dads but said she wouldn't take her bed or anything that she would sleep on the couch. To me it sounds like she won't be there long so here's to hoping. She actually said today that she knows there's still hop for us so I was pretty happy to hear that because she's been saying no. I dunno, we'll see how things play out


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Ok heres a new problem for me...After all of this, the night after christmas I sent her a message asking her if she would help me pack my stuff up when she got off work. She told me to just stay that we had been having a good couple of days, that she loved me and we could try and work things out. Ok so we are still together, things are different...Some good some still the same some bad...theres almost like a different person i live with. Now she wants to go out on New Years eve...but not with me. She wants to go out with her friends. Now I feel like its a slap in my face, its our first new years together and we aren't gonna spend it together? Whenever I mention how it hurts me she gets an attitude and will say "Fine I won't go I'll stay home with you". Thing is I never even said we would stay home, she hasn't even asked me to go out with her or anything. I'm trying to tell her to go do what she wants but I'm not gonna lie, it bothers me alot but I love her so I'll do whatever I have too. Thoughts?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi there, I was just feeling so badly for you and your situation. I did want to give you a different point of view. I only want to say, that even though you have married this girl, she truly seems to be trying to convey to you that she is not in it for the long haul. 

I have to be honest in saying, I don't think I would have taken her back after she cheated on you with her girlfriend. You said you caught her out with this girl. You then took her back and married her? I think it might have been a bit hasty. Please don't take offense as I'm only trying to help you. I can tell you as a woman myself, that if she truly had loved you and respected you, she wouldn't have slept with another , whether they were a female or male. And the fact that she is already saying she wants to leave, sounds to me like maybe this wasn't the girl for you. I am not saying by any means, that you should give up immediately. But you must be realistic and really identify the reasons you want her to stay so badly. Do you really want someone, even if they don't want you? I am sure you're a great guy, and you deserve someone who won't cheat, won't make you feel unmanly, and will love you, not antagonize you and hold the prospect of her leaving over your head to get you to do her bidding. She is manipulating you, at least that is what it sounds like to me. Really think long and hard if this girl is right for you. If she isn't, you can move on, you have every right to. Don't forget, you have a whole country supporting you in Iraq, not just her. I hate to say this, but it sounds like she's made up her mind, and is just afraid of hurting you even more, and so is putting off the inevitable fact that she's going to leave. So, hold your head up high, and tell her goodbye , if she's that determined to go, you can't make her stay. Good luck to you always.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

No no I guess I worded the whole catching her thing. We had already split up and I saw the 2 of them about 2 or 3 days later as I was going to clock out for work. I don't know what to do, we had a long talk and we're working on our faults and try and get things back the way they used to be. I do love her still even after all this I just can't imagine being with anybody else. I do think she still loves me but maybe your right that she's just staying with me too not hurt me anymore but sooner or later this is gonna happen again, I guess I'm still in my denial stage that this has happened. I wouldn't say the whole country is behind us lol But no disrespect to anybody out there but it wouldn't matter if the whole world was behind me, not the same as it would be with my wife, you know? But I really do appreciate you views and I hope to hear from you guys alot more. Thanks again!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

this is really hard for you i know , you love her so badly but in a way she has made another life with her friends. i dont think your being unreasonable to ask her to spend new year with you . why does she want to spend it with friends ? have you asked her ? cant you both go ? do you go out much with your friends alone?

I know this might sound a bit bad but could she still be having a relationship with the other woman /


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I asked her why and it always comes back to the whole need some space thing and she just wants time to have fun and all that because we are together alot and the time apart is something that could benefit us both. I haven't asked her if I could go along with them because it would make me feel like I'm not wanted there you know? I don't go anywhere lol Ever since I've been back from training I haven't really left the house or spent time with friends without her with us. As far as still having a relationship with her, I can't tell you its not in the back of my mind but she swears up and down that its not the case, even her brother will confirm that because he's friends with her too. I do trust her around her but I dunno its still in my mind.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Pyr0TeK said:


> Damn man... I am in a similar situation... but I've been married 14 years and I have another post about my situation. You and me are in the same boat... I have no advice for you because I am in a sinking ship myself and constantly trying to bail it out, but it's not working. We also have 2 wonderful kids.... as of yesterday I am going to completely just exist and be the best I can be and hopefully she will come around and realize what she has at home and what God says about marriage and "for better or for worse"...


It sucks I know and I know its worse for you because you got kids together. I'm sorry man, wish I had something to tell you to help you out but I wouldn't be here if I did. I hope everything works out for you though in the end bro, we can only do so much you know?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

do you think she feels overpowered by your need to be with her ?
you said you dont go out ...why ?
spend some time with your friends , its not good staying in just going over problems again and again.
and if you go out it will give you other things to talk about ..If you feel you cant go out together new years eve ..then ask if you can spend new years day together a nice meal and the chance to really talk about your future together ,your dreams and hers.. good luck x


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I was just trying to put another view on the problem . im not saying that everyone would feel overpowered but i know i love my husband more then anything but i still like to have space to go out with my friends and have girly chats ,to spend every minute of everyday in my hubbies company with out friends wouldnt benifit our marriage x

Is it a case that to much love can smother


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I don't know about the whole overpowered thing. I don't go out because I really only have 1 friend I've had since we where kids and the only one I've stayed friends with. He too is married and just ha) so the time he has he spends it with his family. As far as I would rather spend time with my wife I believe that is the case, I would much rather spend time with her than anybody else. Just wish she felt the same...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

then i really do think you both have to sit down and talk about your future , your dreams what you both expect from your marriage.

is it just the friends she keeps that upsets you more then her going out with out you ?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hey Soldier. Well, you have gotten some really good advice from all these friends. I do know that I would never dream of going out without my husband on New Years Eve, it being such a neat and special night and all. Now, any other time of year, just a regular Saturday, wouldn't be such a big deal. But to me, this seems like kind of a slap in the face, for her to prefer to leave you all alone, on New Years Eve, a night for lovers, instead of taking you with her, or spending it with you only. I am can only infer from what you tell me about your wife, that she seems like she might be a bit self centered? I don't mean any disrepsect to her at all. But it is profound when you have a spouse (you) that tells his wife, that he would love to spend a holiday with that person, and all she can think about is getting away from you and pleasing herself. Doesn't that seem a tad selfish to anyone? She sounds like perhaps she's a bit too immature to be in a commited relationship. This is not how and adult who loves and respects you , would behave. This is how someone in middle school behaves. Please know I am not trying to insult her in any way, just pointing out some things that perhaps you can't see, as you're in the middle of it, and I'm someone on the outside looking in. It's difficult to be truly objective, when you are the person experiencing the pain of it all. 

It just seems down right mean spirited to leave the man you love, all alone on New Years Eve, especially when he's already said that he'd like to be with you. You sound like a nice guy. I have been where you are, thinking that no one else would ever make me happy, or that I couldn't love someone the way I loved that person that I was in a dysfunctional relationship with, or that no one else would want me. But it is Just Not True. You have to know that. You are still Very very young. I had the hard task 5 years ago of having to walk away from someone that I thought I was in love with. He treated me terribly, was inconsiderate, insensitive, mean, disrespectful, cheated on me, etc..... Finally one day, it all clicked, and I had sort of an Epiphany. I would rather have been alone, and happy and in a good place spiritually and mentally, than continue to be abused and neglected by him. I walked away, so hard for me to do, but didn't look back. Do you know what happened? A man I had been going to church with for the past year, whom I barely knew, asked me out. I said no of course, because I needed time to heal, but months went by and we became good friends. We are married now and have a beautiful boy. And once I had him in my life, it really dawned on me, just how badly this other guy was treating me, and just how Much I didn't miss him, and I realized I never even loved him. I was in a toxic relationship that had been the only thing I knew, and so I was reluctant to walk away. But I finally wised up, and now I'm happy. 

I am not saying this is the exact same thing, what you're dealing with. But it sounds like maybe the marriage was a mistake, and if it was, that is totally okay! You don't have to live with being treated like this. Saying she loves you means nothing unless she's actually doing it, loving you on a daily basis. And it sounds to me , like she's not. And actually it sounds to me like perhaps she really likes having this "hold" over you. She has you on a string and you're the puppet, she's the puppeteer. This gives her a sense of security and power, to know you are on your knees practially begging, and doing anything she demands of you. This is wrong of her to do, she's treating you very badly. Please think about who she really is, and if she's someone you truly want to have in your life forever. Do you really deserve to be treated this way? No you don't.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Yes it is much different when children are involved. As for his situation, he might want her to see the light, but that is most likely not going to happen. And someone that is truly in love with him, wouldn't have to "see the light"... After only a year of marriage she is already ready to leave, and has expressed that she made a mistake by jumping in. Now, that doesn't mean they should just divorce right away. But the way she is holding him in a string, is not right, it's not love, and it's sick. She clearly gets something out of this, or she wouldn't still be there. Perhaps she is just delaying leaving because she doesn't desire to hurt him more. But I thought I wanted the man I was with to love me too, and I thought I wanted him, and I thought we would always be together. But a dysfunctional relationship such as this one, that has not been right from the start, will most likely only cause him more pain. He needs a self esteem boost, and needs to see that he can do much much better than this. I am not saying there are not two sides to the story either. But all I have to go on, is what he says. And from what he says, this is the wrong girl for him. And having kids would of course make it far more complicated, so I pray they don't try to have a child to "fix" this, because it won't. That is a number one rule any counselour will tell couples, is don't have a baby to try to fix what is wrong, it won't. Anyway, whether he wants to be with her is truly not the issue anymore. She sounds as though she doesn't want to be with him. And so even though it hurts a great deal, he is probably going to have to let her go. Who would want to be with someone that didn't want them? It will be hard, but he will eventually heal. And who knows, perhaps they will work out afterall. But if this keeps up, all the demands she makes, and insisting that he "respect her" and "give her some space" that is not maturity, or love, that's her taking advantage of him, and treating him badly. If that keeps up, I certainly wouldn't stay. But that is just me. The fact is, life goes on, and people come and go from your life. And if the marriag can't be saved, and if she continues to insist she doesn't want to be with him, then what can he do but let her go? He deserves someone to make him happy, not in a state of constantly wondering, questioning her love, wondering if she really loves him, or wondering what he's doing wrong. She is seriously messing with his mind.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm at the point where I just want to kill myself


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm in hell and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Like today she gets off at around 7 every mourning and tells me she's gonna hang out with her friend real quick...well she finally comes home at like 9:30 and says I know i said real quick but her friend had to do a lot of stuff as usual. So she eats, takes a shower, blow dries her hair, does her nails and finally stops to lay down in bed and watch tv. I grab the remote and turn the tv off and said lets talk. She said she just wanted to smoke and go to bed she don't feel like talking. I told her thats not my fault she was gone all mourning and I said as long as you where with her you didn't talk to her? She laughed and said no. I asked her "Are you happy?" she said no. I asked her why and she wouldn't talk about it. I asked her "Are things not better for you? I'm letting you go out and do all these things and not saying anything about it" She said things haven't changed and wouldn't explain why then she got all "Yes things are perfect, I'm happy" crap that she does to avoid the conversation. So I told her I loved her and she went to sleep. I don't know, the other day I sent her a text too see how she felt about my compromise proposal which was "I'll let you go out without me on new years and I'll do whatever u want me 2 and at the same time we go back to the rabbits we used to be and F$ck like crazy lol" She wrote back and said that could work and it was a good compromise. We need the passion we had for each other in the beginning. That day when she came home she kissed me and not the usual peck on the lips I was so used to getting and we kinda played around yesterday before bed. I gave her a full body massage and I won't lie it turned me on so I told her I couldn't sleep that I had to "Finish" and she wanted to watch me do it lol So we both did it too ourselves while kissing...I'm seriously thinking about just putting up with all the crap tell myself I'm ok with everything in hopes that one day she will realize what she's done and maybe she will be the one asking for advice on how to fix all her doings...Maybe


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Maybe so lol I wish we could relate in a positive way. Hows things working out on your end?


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I would say we where at maybe a 6 or 7 but I don't know after what just happened. Keep ya head up man I know its heard to do but we got to keep moving.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm expressing myself through...face paint? If I would wear this all the time I would lol


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

lol Ahh well...left over halloween paint, gotta use it sometime ay?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hey, please don't ever think of hurting yourself. If you truly truly feel like you might, you must get help from a professional. I know it can be so hard, and you feel so down. But remember that everything happens for a reason. God always has a plan, and even if you don't believe in God, your life is worth something, and so are you. And there is a plan for your life. You weren't put here by accident. It might seem hard now, but down the road, you'll find yourself learning from this experience, I know it sounds cliche, but it's so true. So just hold tight, and no matter what happens with your wife, you must always know that Everything happens , that is supposed to happen. Even the bad things in life. We must go through the bad things, to appreciate and see the beauty in life. There can never be good times without bad also. And so , this is a bad time in your life. but it will not be this way forever. That, you can believe. Now it is up to you to make positive changes that you wish to see in your life. And if she's not on board, and doesn't want to work it out, then you might have to move on, for your own piece of mind and health. Take care of yourself.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

dont you ever let your self get so low that you think off taking your life ... you are a wonderful man in love with your wife you have done no wrong ...work on your self esteem at the moment its at a real low and you are so emotionally drained.
evern if the worst possible outcome was that your marriage was over.. think off all the fantastic work you do protecting your country, your family friends and you what ever the future holds weather its with your current wife or someone new your future children life is a presious gift dont throw it away ... 
If you ever feel so bad then talk on here , everyone on here will support you please take care x 

y brother died of cancer he was 37 and had 2 young children he wanted to live so bad, please take care dont waste a special gift off life xx


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It sounds like your at least talking to her which is fantastic 
It look like she really wants to go out new year with her friends  but still she loves your compromise of being together and to [email protected]@k like crazy when she gets homes !!!
sound to me like she really wants you to take the lead and she loves you its almost like you both want the same thing but you both have trouble communicating that to each other.
Its good and healthy to have friends along side being married its getting the balance right .so she goes out new year hard and tough !! but you get new years day to start a whole new begining together ,go for it have fun and make it romantic


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> It sounds like your at least talking to her which is fantastic
> It look like she really wants to go out new year with her friends  but still she loves your compromise of being together and to [email protected]@k like crazy when she gets homes !!!
> sound to me like she really wants you to take the lead and she loves you its almost like you both want the same thing but you both have trouble communicating that to each other.
> Its good and healthy to have friends along side being married its getting the balance right .so she goes out new year hard and tough !! but you get new years day to start a whole new begining together ,go for it have fun and make it romantic


Yeah we had a pretty good talk when I got home today at first we wasn't speaking at all but I finally went and initiated it and I think we got somewhere. She was laughing and smiling and stuff. Then she said she was gonna go to bed so I offered her a body massage with nothing in mind but just that, a massage to show her I love her. She's sleeping peacefully now  I don't care about the whole new years thing, we talked about it and its just a stupid superficial day anyways. You're right I got her on new years day and really thats all that counts I guess. She still brings up the "I don't have time to miss you" thing because we are together alot but I'm still trying to find a job, who would have thought being in the Army it would be this hard to get a civilian job? :scratchhead: I dunno, I guess its OK right now...We'll see how it plays out.

Oh I'm not gonna kill myself, sorry if I gave that impression...was just realeasing some built up resentment I guess towards myself.

Hope you guys have a good new year!!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

wow looks like a good step in the right direction


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## troubleinparadise (Dec 8, 2008)

OH BOY does this sound all to of a familiar story.. 
My husband is also Active Duty Army and he deploys in 
February [not looking forward to it]. Goodness your story was VERY heartbreaking, it sounds to me as though this girl has given you the run around since day one! My husband and I were the same way too, we had that love, that you basically told everyone [your friends and family] you just dont understand, its so hard to explain.. It's the first time love.. It's the love that exists before you live together and the bills come in and real life happens.. I've been with my husband through Basic and A.I.T and neither were to easy.. But on to the "friend" situation, my father in law actually had that happen to him, he was enlisted in the mililtary and his wife at the time was running around on him with another woman.. I think sorry to say if this sounds to rash, but that would have been red flags to me right at that moment, please don't take offense to anything I write but also the way you wrote it and the way it sounds it seems she used you as her emotional crutch.. Her feelings were hurt because things between her and that girl didn't work out.. so basically what you would call her "rebound boy" NO OFFENSE intended in that! But okay fast forwarding to a couple of days before Christmas.. it sounds to me like she wasn't all to committed to begin with, it sounds like she went into without a thought.. Marriage is a HUGE decision not one that should be taken lightly, it sounds like she didn't think to much about all the committments and changes that would be occuring.. Alright, so I think that maybe it might be time for you to let this one go.. She's let you down twice now, there is no point in keeping someone around who is constantly breaking you down. I know this is easier said than done.. First and foremost, you must be happy with yourself, and as I learned in marriage counseling.. Neither spouse should point their finger at the other, neither is perfect, basically stating that you have your things to deal with and she has hers. Maybe sometime apart will help you and her deal with your own flaws, also keep communication open. In marriage communication is key. I hate to say it, but it sounds as though she has made up her mind, perhaps it is time to move on.. Harsh?! I'm sorry but you sound like a great guy.. Let her go.. if she comes back she yours & well if she doesn't she never was.. 

hope you find this helpful.. anything else.. 
let me know.. 

p.s. 
don't consider throwing your whole life away for one person [i.e. leaving the military] make sure to always put yourself as priority and if the person your with doesn't like it or appreciate it find someone who will. 

god bless 
&
have a happy new year!


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

We did our own separate things, she went with her friends and I hung out with mine and got **** faced. She got home around 8:30 this mourning when she said she would be home before the sun came up...I knew that wasn't gonna happen. We talked a little before she went to sleep. I asked her if anything happened and she said no, I do believe her I still trust her. I then asked her if she was happy and she said sometimes. Somebody we know was killed in a car wreck about 4 days ago and she's been saying things like "I got to live my life for me and look at for me I could die tommorow like she did" and all that. I said so you would rather live in the moment instead of building something that could last forever? She feels that even though we are young that we are like an old married couple that never does anything, I tell her all the time that we should go do stuff but with her work schedule and all I got going on its hard to do. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said sometimes she does, she feels to young to be married and thinks she has to live her life to make me happy. But then she said sometimes she don't want a divorce because she does love me and wants to be with me and we do have fun and stuff. She wants to try the seperation thing just to see if it is that we spend too much time together. I told her when we got back together the first time that this was it, I won't come back if we split again. I mentioned it again today and she said she knows thats why she's scared because she don't want to lose me. She said she feels like the man in the relationship because I do show how I feel and my emotions. I told her thats exactly how I feel and its frustrating as hell to me because I don't know how to change that. She's the only one that brings emotions out of me and the only one that can bring out my weak side, Any other time I'm stone cold and I'll put you on your ass if you look at me the wrong way lol I read somewhere the other day that only the strong show that they do have a weak side, mine is my wife. Part of me feels that this is just not gonna work out and that I should just move on but the other part of me (the one I'm listening too) says that things can get better, that my wife is in there she's just locked away. I love her and don't want to let her go...This is so frustrating, I feel like a stranger in my own home...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"all I got going on its hard to do. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said sometimes she does, she feels to young to be married and thinks she has to live her life to make me happy.

But then she said sometimes she don't want a divorce because she does love me and wants to be with me and we do have fun and stuff. 

She wants to try the seperation thing just to see if it is that we spend too much time together." 

The quote above shows just how much this girl is playing you like a fiddle. What is that about? Wanting to separate, just to "see" if it's that you spend too much time together? You are married, of course you're going to be together a lot, you live in the same house. One minute she wants to have you , the next she doesn't. What she wants, is to have you in her life, but only when it is Convenient for HER.... Sorry bro, but it truly doesn't sound as if she's interested in your feelings at all. She just sounds really self centered. I wouldn't keep holding on to someone like that. Think about this.... She keeps you constantly guessing, wondering, always wondering one day to the next, if she's going to stay with you. You never know where her feelings or loyalties lie. One day she might love you, the next she's planning on leaving. But in general, she is playing a sick game with you, whether pursposly or not, it's still sick. She is making you live in constant fear and guessing as to whether or not you'll have a marrige the next day. don't you want someone that you know loves you , now and forever? Someone that doesn't say and do the things she does? This is just my opinion. But this girl is not worth you. She doesn't deserve you. And if I were you, I wouldn't tolerate such emotional abuse. Could it be that the feeling you thought was love, was just a sexual fascination? Because it seems like beyond that, neither of you have anything in common. And she is not in this marriage the same way you are, that is clear. So, I guess you just have to decide how long you are willing to have your life in limbo.... I hope you find happiness.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I left 2 nights ago, threw most of my clothes and came to my moms. I'm going crazy, I'm sleeping in my old room where theres nothing on the walls, nothing but a bed and my laptop. I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. When I'm awake all I do is feel miserable. She told me when I left that this was just a break but its still hurts just as bad. I understand where you guys are coming from but you can't judge her just from what I tell you. I can only give you the story from how I see it. She's a great girl she just has some problems and doesn't know how to deal with them. I love her with everything in me and i will not give up on her. I meant my vows to her and I will keep my promise to her. The girl I married is still in her, I will fight to get her back.

I gotta do some soul searching of my own. I can't offer her the love I once did until I can love myself. I need to find me again...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, I'm sure she does have her good qualities as well. And it's good that you want to find yourself also. But all I have to go on, is the stuff you're telling me, and from the sounds of it, you two aren't married at all, only in name, not in reality. You don't just "take a break" from marriage. She can't just separate, then get back together, then separate, and the get back together, on a whim, and whenever she feels like it, or needs "space". That is called dating, and a non-serious relationship, it's not indicative of a marriage, if it were, it wouldn't bother you and you would think it was normal , right? You two are married. This girl went out on New years eve, and didn't bother to come home till 8:30 in the morning. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd be really upset if my spouse who supposedly loved me, did that. But everyone has their own limits. 

It just really sounds to me , like she's using you, and getting everything she needs and wants out of this deal. But what are you getting? Do you get anything out of this relationship, but grief? I am not encouraging you to leave her, only pointing out what seems to me , to be obvious. But alas, you do have to make your own desicion about what is best for you in that regard. I feel so badly for you, she is seriously messing with your head. And what you really have to do is think long and hard , " what will happen with things the way they are now, do I really truly belive that in 5 or 10 years, we'll be happily married"?  Ask yourself that. Where, Honestly, where do you see this going? If you truly believe she loves you, and wants to be married then that is something you'll have to work through. But she's telling you with her words, and her actions, that she does not care a great deal for you, and that you are not important to her. You don't love a spouse, and act married, only when it's convenient. That is not a marriage, that's bondage. She has you wrapped and you're letting her continue to hurt you. Go find yourself, talk to God, pray, reflect, ponder. If this is truly the way you enjoy being treated, then go back for more, if not, and you want to be happy someday, then I'd say so long to her. That is just my opinion, you have to do what you want to do. I am just trying to tell you like I see it. Know that is comes from a place of caring for a stranger, and not from a place of disliking your wife. Take care...


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I went over to get my phone charger lastnight and saw her sleeping in her bed. I stopped and just looked at her for a minute, wanted to kiss her or hold her. Then she kept gettin text messages while I was standing there and something in my gut told me I needed to read her ****. Well I did, read all her messages sent and received. I Read "I love you...I love you more...the other night when we got it on...you made me wet..." ect. ect. I was crushed. I started packing up my big **** that I said I would come get in 2 weeks if she felt the same. Eventually she woke up and asked what I was doing. I told her I know about her cheating on me I read the texts. She tries to tell me "this isn't how I wanted it to happen, I didn't mean too" I then told her to save it because I don't ****ing care and she walked back to her room. Later came back threw her rings at me, that pissed me off. I went back there and asked her why in the hell is she pissed at me? I don't remember what all I said to her but I remember telling her she needed to grow up and take some responsability for her actions. Divorce is the only option now and since she wanted it and did all this, she's gonna pay for ever bit of it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I feel for her **** again. I feel so stupid. I really wish it could have worked out between us, things where great up until a few months ago. She don't deserve me and I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just wish this wasn't happening now, not before I go to war


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Oh man I'm so sorry you had to find out she was cheating on you and like that, it's terrible. But it does kind of explain why she was being so distant, and staying out all night and going back and forth between being married and not being married. She was hedging her bets I think. 
You are right, you don't deserve this , and she doesn't deserve you. She is too immature to be married is what is sounds like. Maybe being deployed will help you heal, and the memory of what you wanted to have with her will fade. Trust that time will surely heal all wounds. You won't hurt forever, and someday, when you are with a loving, caring, faithful woman, you'll look back on this girl and think... "what was I thinking"!!  It might not seem like it now, but there will come a day, when you don't hurt, and when you don't even think of her at all. You don't deserve to be jerked around and cheated on. She needs to go to the curb , at least that is what I would do. Cheating is never accidental. She knew what she was doing, and knew she was breaking her marriage vows. She has strung you along and hurt you, and treated you horribly. I would move on with your life, be happy, wake up every day saying to yourself "today, I'm going to be happy, and enjoy life" Never let a girl like that ruin your own personal happiness. Someday, love, real love, is going to find you. Just wait, be patient and in the mean time, move on with your life, and before you know it, you'll be with someone who deserves you.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You sound like an amazing guy and please don't ever hurt yourself over some ungrateful woman.

I'll be honest. If there's any tiny part of you that can muster up the courage, I would kick her ass out. She's just playing with your heart and it's not right because you seem to have a really good heart. Don't let her break the goodness in you. There's another woman out there who could really use it and reciprocate it 100%.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm done with her, tonight I went and got the last of my stuff from our apartment. She wouldn't even say more than 2 words to me, acting all mad at me and stuff like this is my fault. After I loaded up my last load I went in the room and told her this was it. She just kinda looked at me and I said your not even gonna tell me bye? And she just waved...I'm so ready for this to be over with.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

good for you! You dont' need that kind of abuse. Sounds like she's way immature and incapable of being faithful.... I hope you have a good new year, and don't look back to her, just move on and find your happiness. What a feeling of relief , at least that's what I would feel. No more having her dangle you on a string, always wondering if she loves you, if she's going to stay, or go. You're free now to have some peace and normalcy in your life again. You go boy! God bless...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I really feel for you , sorry you have had such a awlful time ..you dont deserve to be treated so badly ,good luck i hope you in time can look back and thank the lord because you will meet someone who will worship you for who you are xx take care


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Yeah I guess, still sucks though. I'm so used to being with her and every little thing reminds me of her. I still love her after all this, I saw what she was capable of in the beginning but I guess she lost interest in me. I think I showed her too much love for her that it drove her away from the "Chase"...I dunno I'm just not one to play the "Game" you know? I may be young but I'm too old for that crap. I do miss her a lot and wish we could have worked things out between us and I do still see a future together but only if she changes sincerely and her friend has got to go. Her friend (one she cheated on me with) had the nerve to drive by when I was packing up my stuff and was staring at me?!?! Girl or no girl, I can't tell you how hard it was for me to keep from slapping the **** outta her.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

dont let her wind you up so that you want to hit her , and off course you still love her , thats why you hurt so much .. shes hurt you enough !! walk away with your head held high , thinking off you , take care and remain strong


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Been awhile since i posted on here, I have had no contact with her in a week now. I'm still not sure how I feel right now. I have moments where I feel that I'm ok then out of nowhere I break down. Everything reminds me of her, especially when she has "Jamie loves Brandon" written on pretty much everything I own...I'm Brandon btw  For awhile I just wanted to be able to hate her you know? But I just can't simply do it. I'm not mad at her or hate her, I man up and take responsibility for my faults and I'm seeing just exactly what she was talking about. I'm understanding a lot about who I am and how I react to situations that I guess I have always done with previous relationships but I guess she was the only one who cared enough to point out where I went wrong.

I've been reading a lot of stuff online about cheating and all that, it makes sense. They say that the relationship was suffering way before the cheating, I'm not saying she was right at all in what she did but I can't place all the blame on her. I think us going our separate ways was the best thing for us to do. I'm not going to try and be friends with her even though that hurts just as much because we was friends first. I feel that it just wouldn't work, I wouldn't respect myself if I allowed it.

Part of me still wants to give this a chance, I really do love her and I believe she loves me but somewhere along the lines we lost that feeling for each other. Both of our lives would have to be straightened out before I would even consider getting back together. I appreciate all your support, it really helped me get some kind of peace of mind. So thanks again


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

hey man you are at a point in your life where there is constant change. 

The Army doesn't help matters, but it can help you move on as well.

Cut off all access, which you are doing. And try to get deployed to Germany or Korea, somewhere with no conflict going on, which is togh right now.

Take some time for yourself, I know it is tough and lonely, but you must. 

Best of luck to another Army dog.....who-rah


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Buddy of mine works with her and he said that he thinks she's prolly not gonna follow through with the divorce as she hasn't made any effort at all in it. I don't think I should have to pay for it if she wanted it but does she think we're just gonna stay seperated till she figures out what she's doin? I feel like if thats the case she's keepin me on the back burner


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

HeartBrokenSoldier said:


> Buddy of mine works with her and he said that he thinks she's prolly not gonna follow through with the divorce as she hasn't made any effort at all in it. I don't think I should have to pay for it if she wanted it but does she think we're just gonna stay seperated till she figures out what she's doin? I feel like if thats the case she's keepin me on the back burner


do you feel comfortable on the back burner? i don't want to be anyone's second chance. but haven't you always been her "safety net?" that's what you are now. and that's not so bad. she's giving you that trust.

understand al those books talking about your situation are going to point in your direction, because that's the one thing you can change. it doesn't make it your fault. it makes it marketing. they're trying to sell books. 

if she doesn't folow through with a divorce, she doesn't want one. neither do you, right? so then work like hell to save it man. no one left behind is someone elses slogan, but stand by that principle now. treat your marriage like a heart attack victim. breathe life into it, never give up.


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## HeartBrokenSoldier (Dec 23, 2008)

Even after she betrayed my trust by cheating on me? I believe she does want the divorce but she's not able to pay for it right now. My buddy said she seemed fine, like none of this is bothering her but its hard to tell with her because she WILL put on this front all the time. Am I ok with being her saftey net?...thats honestly a tough question to answer right now because no matter what happened I still love my wife and I still would love to be her husband but I just don't think she feels the same way. He mentioned her talking about doing her taxes and lettin her brother claim her but then she said she didn't want that. He said "I believe she was gonna let you claim her but wanted her cut" He said she still goes on breaks and lunch with her "Friend" but thats been the normal. I asked him if they was all over each other and stuff and he said no.

Believe me I know all about the books taking advantage of people in this situation just to make a buck off people in need. I haven't bought anything, I even got one of them for free, entire ebook. Right now I'm just tryin to get by day by day...its not gettin easy


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