# Need to vent....



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

This will be long and hopefully make sense. I just need to vent and get advice.
In these turmoil of what’s happened in the world, I’ve also been dealing with some issues that started a little before Covid-19.

Backstory: 15 year old son had done a little rebellious behavior this past year- starts with grades going down, a girl that he liked, but she didn’t like him back, cutting his arm, drug abuse ( weed, some ADHD pills he acquired from friends) etc.... his dad and him fo not have the best relationship.
Dad lives with his 80 year old mom. So, visitations make it hard depending on if she doesn’t want company, and Is sick etc.

Over spring break, he got caught smoking a joint in her house. I was called, and picked him up and that’s when the Covid started etc..

I did before that time, set him up with a Psychologist, my son is stubborn and has an underlying anger somewhere. She did have us come in to do “evaluations” she stated his high IQ and no indication of any mental health concerns. Just a bad way of problem solving, coping skills.

It’s been rough since SB due to us being in a small apartment, and 2x he has left my apartment in the middle of the night. 
yes I have a alarm but he’s smart to hack it.
We are still seeing doctor, via telephone but he’s not opening up. On top of that, dad hasn’t done his weekend visitation since that spring break. (Early March)
First he claimed that his mom won’t be killed due to the stress he’s brought to her: the pot smoking, he got into her pills, ( most likely to sell) and the fact they sleep all day. ( my ex and his mom) I get why she does, but no excuse for a 49 year old man to.

I’ve kept him with due to keeping his mental health safe and they really don’t want him over. But I need a break and will return to work soon. I calmly called ex last week, and said we’ve been home under lock down orders and can you please come pick him up and go get a soda or drive around couple hours?

he scoffed and said Are you insane?!?!?
I told you I will not affect my mom and have her die from Covid due to him sneaking out and causing stress. You’ll have to find other alternatives.

I do not have any other “alternatives”
My son says he hasn’t done weed and I don’t believe him, but his phone has been taking away and it’s a process to get him back to good choices. I’m mentally exhausted and trying to do the best I can. 
it’s taking a toll. I tried again to tell my ex that mid May I’ll be working and will need him to start his 1, 3,5th weekends around that time. 
he again, stated he will not have my son over till this Covid is gone and his mom is so stressed from her grandsons actions. Ex says his mom is important and she comes first. I got mad and said No! Your son does and he needs both of us to help him get back on track. He hollered that I’m not married to him anymore, and he doesn’t have to listen to me nor take my demands.
And he said oh my mom isn’t important?
Well screw you! And hung up on me.

I have no money to get legal action, and I’m not sure I have any recourse. Not trying to get anyone in trouble either, my son said he doesn’t wanna go over there cause all they do is sleep. I’ll put my dating ( I was starting to see a nice man) but I don’t blame him to get out due to drama. 
I don’t feel comfortable leaving him home at night, if I was asked out for dinner.

None of that matters- I’m just upset, hurt and really don’t know what to do.

this message is long, scrambled, and just a mess.

Sue 😔


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Just want to give you a hug.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> This will be long and hopefully make sense. I just need to vent and get advice.
> In these turmoil of what’s happened in the world, I’ve also been dealing with some issues that started a little before Covid-19.
> 
> Backstory: 15 year old son had done a little rebellious behavior this past year- starts with grades going down, a girl that he liked, but she didn’t like him back, cutting his arm, drug abuse ( weed, some ADHD pills he acquired from friends) etc.... his dad and him fo not have the best relationship.
> ...


I'm so sorry your ex is leaving it all to you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Just want to give you a hug.
> 
> View attachment 69321


This is so sweet it melts my heart.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have a friend / business acquaintance who had a brilliant son. Top pf his class really going places. Up until some time around junior senior year in high school. He started smoking weed, grades went in the toilet, barely graduated. Just cruising through life from paycheck to paycheck. One day his dad, my friend, said to him, "I'd rather you joined the army and risked your life, than just wasting it away smoking pot." With in months the kid cleaned up his habit and much to his father's dismay he enlisted in the army. With in two years he got an appointment and scholarship to West Point. He had to do a year of prep school to get up to speed for it but in the end he has reached the potential he had as a 14 year old. 

I'm not recommending that course of action to you, but suggesting that what your kid really needs is a serious challenge for his intellect. His sleepy dad is not going to give him that challenge. It will have to me another (probably male) mentor.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Just want to give you a hug.
> 
> View attachment 69321


That means a lot. Thank you ☺


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I appreciate it.

Sue


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> I have a friend / business acquaintance who had a brilliant son. Top pf his class really going places. Up until some time around junior senior year in high school. He started smoking weed, grades went in the toilet, barely graduated. Just cruising through life from paycheck to paycheck. One day his dad, my friend, said to him, "I'd rather you joined the army and risked your life, than just wasting it away smoking pot." With in months the kid cleaned up his habit and much to his father's dismay he enlisted in the army. With in two years he got an appointment and scholarship to West Point. He had to do a year of prep school to get up to speed for it but in the end he has reached the potential he had as a 14 year old.
> 
> I'm not recommending that course of action to you, but suggesting that what your kid really needs is a serious challenge for his intellect. His sleepy dad is not going to give him that challenge. It will have to me another (probably male) mentor.


It’s funny you said that, cause at one time- he wanted to do Army/Navy. I thought that would give him the stability and the toughness he never got from a man. I’m Mom so I’m not tough unfortunately....

Right now, he just pops off and says I’m going to do weed when I get 18. 
I just walk away as it’s hard to hear.

Sue


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sons are hard, and you're not alone. 

Mine also had no male family members who offered any meaningful direction. 

It's frustrating.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So for sons with no good clear "manly" role model, this site MAY help them (of course THEY have to want to go there to read...). It certainly doesn't REPLACE a good role model, but has interesting articles/podcasts that may help give some direction for a boy who is floundering.





Home


The Art of Manliness provides useful, actionable, no-fluff content to help men become better men in all areas of their life.




www.artofmanliness.com





Sue the only thing you can say when your son tells you something "I'm going to..." -- just tell him, he CAN do that, but he needs to be ready to handle the responsibility of his actions. He isn't thinking about that at ALL and he needs to start being made aware that ALL of his actions have consequences (good and bad). HE will be making those choices and HE is the one who will have to handle them.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He is searching for a rite of passage. My culture / religion has those built in. Not all of the boys get it the first or even second time, but these expected events give them opportunities to step up. Your son is not picking good rites. The girlfriend (which failed) does not often require enough of a young man to challenge growth. (the right girls do demand and get it) Rebellion, defiance violence and law breaking, show only independence but no responsibility. 

In the tale I shared the father (mentor) pointed out to the young man/ boy that his lifestyle was unproductive and pointless, a waste. The young man chose an organization rich with rites of passage. Under the influence of the organization and the mentors found there the boy blossomed into a man. 

This concept of mentors and rites is covered in this book: Hold on to your N.U.T.s I recommend it with some reservations. It is available in paperback e-book and audible.

The book is helpful, the mentor is necessary. I can't point you to a good source of them. They are everywhere, but so are poor examples. A mentor needs to be a man that you can respect, 
And a man that he does respect. A mentor needs to be readily available. A mentor needs to be very patient. A mentor should be persistent. I had a lot of mentors. Some were younger than me.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> He is searching for a rite of passage. My culture / religion has those built in. Not all of the boys get it the first or even second time, but these expected events give them opportunities to step up. Your son is not picking good rites. The girlfriend (which failed) does not often require enough of a young man to challenge growth. (the right girls do demand and get it) Rebellion, defiance violence and law breaking, show only independence but no responsibility.
> 
> In the tale I shared the father (mentor) pointed out to the young man/ boy that his lifestyle was unproductive and pointless, a waste. The young man chose an organization rich with rites of passage. Under the influence of the organization and the mentors found there the boy blossomed into a man.
> 
> ...


I will check out that book, and thank you for your words...


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