# Would you Divorce your Spouse for Constantly Checking out their Ex Online



## Uncertain Husband (May 13, 2014)

We have been married over 20 years. My spouse had an affair with someone that was not her ex that took some time for us to get past, but we did. Not long after the affair I become uncomfortable with her relationship with her ex boyfriend from college (her 1st love), which involved occassional contact, but excessive searching and viewing anything online about him and his family. There was other stuff that made me uncomfortable after I had been accepting of the contact until that point, that I will not go into detail here. She claimed it was just curiousity over a 1st love. I saw it as more. 

I made it clear that it was no longer acceptable to me, and she had a choice, stop all contact and with him and stop the searching for information or we were done. She was not happy about it, but she agreed.

I know that she is still looking online at his family social media accounts to see information about him. I accidentally saw something that she had not closed out of, and looking into it, I see there were other times. Yes, I looked, but only after being surprised with what she left open. Have I snooped in the past? Yes, but I guess that's because I never believed that she would completely stop and she kept showing that she was continuing to search things out. I had not looked in some time believing and hoping that she had finally moved on. Well, not only has she looked at the ex's family online, but she has looked at information about her affair partner's wife (which shows her in pictures with him). Yes, I do not believe there has been any contact with the affair partner was required. I'm more bothered by the ex, than the affair partner, as I'm certain that is not a road she would go down again. I have no reason to believe she is in contact with her ex. But now after seeing this latest search it may once again show that she can't or refuses to stop looking into his and his family's lives. 

I get extremely bothered by her continously searching for anything about her ex that she can find and looking up his family members. With the things that she said about that relationship and the obsessiveness of the searching, it has made me feel like he is the one that got away and that she would like to be with him. Whether true or not. 

I was constantly checking on her after the affair and that was an extremely sore point and let to many fights, despite I could see from time to time that she was looking at things she should not have been. If I tell her what I saw, it will probably lead to a big fight; her claiming I snoop and me getting angry that she can't leave the past behind her and once agin showing that her lies when her actions do not match up with her promises. No matter what I have seen. She will turn it around on me about a lack of trust and other things and won't even recognize the issues that I have with her. At some point after the affair, I have stopped checking up on her, but with the amount of times I have seen something without looking for it regarding her ex, she keeps showing that there is something still there. 

Would you leave you spouse over this, if there had been an understanding reached and they continued to lie to you and look for information? Am I unreasonable to believe that she would never look him up again? Maybe. I had thought that it would be kind of an annual thing. But I have seen it twice more than once now since we last met with the therapist over it and she agreed that it had to stop, and there could very well be much that I'm not seeing. 

Other than this, we probaly have a typical marriage. I have thought of ending it over this issue every time this comes up, and here we go again, but I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Since you told her that you would be done with her if she did it again, and it was part of the agreement for you to continue the marriage with her, I would say you should at least file for separation to let her know you aren't playing. 

Looking up ex's is typically a shady thing to do. She's cheated, so in her case, it's shady. 

She can't get mad at you for snooping. She had an affair. If she doesn't like it...too bad. Until you heal and move on from it, transparency needs to be apart of your marriage. 

Don't let her walk all over you about this. You need to let her know that you aren't playing her little game. It's all or nothing.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Maybe she's doing it out of boredom or habit. 

I am sometimes curious about my exes, but I don't want to be with any of them. I am happy with my current boyfriend.

I would just let it go and stop snooping. And, stop making rules that you know she can't keep. Tell her that you've changed the rules. You are going to allow her to snoop on her exes if she wants to. You are going to trust her. She'll probably be in state of shock. 

Either you decide that you do want this marriage to work and that you are going to trust her or you're not.

You can't live happily in a state of ambivalence.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

In my opinion, she doesn't have the right to be upset that you're checking up on anything she does, for as long as you feel you need to after she had an affair. Trust is not given, it's earned. She hasn't earned it back. Seems as though you give her an inch and she takes a mile. 

If she had true remorse over her affair, and genuinely cared about you and her marriage, everything in her life would be entirely transparent. I'm an advocate of autonomy in relationships, but when one person has an affair, their right to that goes out the window. 

Actions, actions, actions.

She had an affair. 
You stayed with her. 

She should be doing everything she can to prove to you that she is re-committed to your marriage. Is she doing that? No. She's doing the opposite. She's continuously lying to you and betraying your trust.

If I were you I would tell her you've caught her checking up on her ex. And I would follow that up by telling her not to let the door hit her where the good Lord split her. She should be walking on egg shells. Not you.

Enough is enough.


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## Uncertain Husband (May 13, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> Maybe she's doing it out of boredom or habit.


She claimed it was out of habit. But seriously, how often does someone need to look someone else up. Before I told her I had enough, she was looking him up weekly. If you're marriage were on the line, you would be unable to stop?

When this was first raised by me at a session with her therapist, her therapist didn't think her conduct was appropriate (based on no prior discussions on this topic, other than me raising it) and stated that it needed to stop.

I'm struggling. On the one hand it is just looking online, but on the other hand, I take it as a great disrepect and can't but help to wonder if she is really happy with our marriage and not thinking about being with someone else. She has claimed she does not want to be with him. But would she admit otherwise, and then why does she keep looking (weekly; monthly?) to see what he is up to.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

She sounds really entitled and self centered. I would divorce her for that.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

SoVeryLost said:


> In my opinion, she doesn't have the right to be upset that you're checking up on anything she does, for as long as you feel you need to after she had an affair. Trust is not given, it's earned. She hasn't earned it back. Seems as though you give her an inch and she takes a mile.
> 
> If she had true remorse over her affair, and genuinely cared about you and her marriage, everything in her life would be entirely transparent. I'm an advocate of autonomy in relationships, but when one person has an affair, their right to that goes out the window.
> 
> ...


I agree with SVL here. She should be the one bending to your reasonable requests and not you having to constantly worry about her.

Life is short and I personally wouldn't ever want to be somebody's second choice. If you think she would rather be with someone else, or her actions seem to indicate such, then I'd have a serious talk with her and tell her where you really are. Tell her that you're thinking of leaving just because of disrespect alone and that you don't feel adequately valued, that you don't feel she is respecting your wishes and that she is not engendering trust in the relationship.

I feel for your situation and as another poster suggested, perhaps a trial separation would be a good way to gauge if she is really serious about the marriage or if you just need to move on.


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## Uncertain Husband (May 13, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Life is short and I personally wouldn't ever want to be somebody's second choice.


That is the question. Is she questioning her decision, or is it as she once said, that this is just what women do. Meaning that they look up their past ex's. Or at least, their fist love, because that one was special. I'm having trouble accepting that since I really dont care about anyone from my past. But she says that is the difference between men and women. True?


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Uncertain Husband said:


> She claimed it was out of habit. But seriously, how often does someone need to look someone else up. Before I told her I had enough, she was looking him up weekly. If you're marriage were on the line, you would be unable to stop?
> 
> When this was first raised by me at a session with her therapist, her therapist didn't think her conduct was appropriate (based on no prior discussions on this topic, other than me raising it) and stated that it needed to stop.
> 
> I'm struggling. On the one hand it is just looking online, but on the other hand, I take it as a great disrepect and can't but help to wonder if she is really happy with our marriage and not thinking about being with someone else. She has claimed she does not want to be with him. But would she admit otherwise, and then why does she keep looking (weekly; monthly?) to see what he is up to.


Well, it sounds like I'm outnumbered on this one.

From my perspective, it would be silly for my boyfriend to break up with me if I occasionally looked at my exes' Facebook pages. I don't know whether my boyfriend is looking at his exes' Facebook pages. As long as he is not contacting them, I don't want to know and I would find it controlling and stifling if my boyfriend told me whose Facebook pages I can or cannot look at. True, I would not be happy if I found out that my boyfriend is looking at his ex-GF's social sites, but as long as he's not doing anything about it, I'm not going to worry or snoop around his computer constantly to check. Snooping and then getting mad is tantamount to getting mad every time he glances at a pretty woman and constantly getting tense around pretty women in anticipation that he's going to look at her. "It's natural and stop making a big issue out of nothing" is what most people would advise me if I got mad at a boyfriend who checked out other women every time we went out. I live in a community full of gorgeous women. I know he notices. He doesn't gawk, but sometimes I gawk at other women because they are so pretty. How may times during a day does a guy think about sex or look at other women? I would think frequently based on the statistics. Should I be miffed that he finds other women pretty? I would drive myself crazy and I would never have a relationship with a man ever again if I expect him to never look at other pretty women or masturbate while thinking about other women sometimes or like to look at porn sometimes.

If you can't let go of this issue which is really an issue of trust and your insecurities about the relationship based upon past cheating, then there is no hope of salvaging your marriage. ACT AS THOUGH THE CHEATING NEVER HAPPENED IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. A normal couple does NOT snoop on each other's computer, but rather they trust their partner.

BTW, therapists are not always right. They are human after all. In a perfect world, your wife would never think about an ex, but that's just about as realistic as asking a man to never fantasize about other women. Men will look at porn and look at young women. Is this hurtful to women? Yes. But women have to realize that this is not unusual and either expect their boyfriend to act in a supernatural way ALL of the time or accept that there are things that happen that are just inevitable. 

I think most people have sneaked a peak at their exes on social sites at some point in their lives. 

The bottom line is that you don't trust her and you are jealous about an ex who she will never be able to get back together with. Insecurity is not sexy. 

Either get over it and stop snooping or get out of your marriage because you can't trust her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> ...get out of your marriage because you can't trust her.


^ Only part of the above post that makes any sense.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Uncertain Husband said:


> That is the question. Is she questioning her decision, or is it as she once said, that this is just what women do. Meaning that they look up their past ex's. Or at least, their fist love, because that one was special. I'm having trouble accepting that since I really dont care about anyone from my past. But she says that is the difference between men and women. True?



I'm not sure I buy that so I'm right there with you. I looked up my ex girlfriend from college on FB once and my W was sitting right next to me when I did it. She was curious about what happened to her as well. My W looked up an ex one time to do the same and I also viewed the page. To my knowledge, she has never done so again and neither have I.

We both broke off those respective relationships so it wasn't like either of us was pining for some ex. If my W was looking at an old boyfriends FB page with any regularity though, it would irk me to say the least.

What's really odd about this to me is why is she suddenly interested in this ex some 20 years later. Did she recently run into him or what has prompted this seemingly new found interest?

I do think it's time to employ some of the 180 techniques though and try to detach a bit here. If your W had had an Affair before, it's clear that she needs to find you maybe a bit unattainable in some way. She needs to be the one chasing you and not you worrying about what she's up to. Besides, who wants to live like that for any period of time. 

There's a slew of guys who can give you some good advice on how to do that. It looks like it's time to stop worrying about what she's doing and regain control.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm afraid this this is one of the reasons why I wouldn't stay with a partner who cheated on me. I would never trust them again...

In your case, you forgave the affair and, presumably, agreed certain boundaries for your marriage. Your W is now pushing those boundaries and testing your trust even further. It's now up to you to decide whether or not you are prepared to live the rest of your life with a woman who has not only devastated your trust, but continues to erode it.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Uncertain Husband said:


> I know that she is still looking online at his family social media accounts to see information about him. Twice now in the last month, and other times. Yes, I have snooped. I guess because I never believed that she would completely stop and she hasn't. Not only has she looked at the ex's family online, but she has looked at information about her affair partner's wife (which shows her in pictures with him). Yes, no contact with the affair partner was required. I'm more bothered by the ex, than the affair partner, as I'm certain that is not a road she would go down again.


You are 100% correct to think about ending the marriage. It sounds like your wife is not invested in her relationship with you, but instead fantasizing about other guys and comparing herself to their wives. She has a problem -- maybe insecurity? -- and she's making it yours.

I dunno. I mean, I'm totally "into" my H. I couldn't care less about getting information any other man, not even out of curiosity. I didn't feel that way about my exH, however. We ended up getting divorced and that was most definitely best for him as well.

Everyone deserves to be the object of desire, exclusive desire, in their marriage or partnership. Frankly, if this is not the case, what is the point? 

I wouldn't expect to be second best, and I wouldn't expect or advise anyone else to be either.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

relationshippro said:


> Well you direct talk about divorce then its not a good idea.. I think you should have to talk with her in person and if she has any problem with you or any kind of issues with you so you have to listen that and try to find the solution of that problems and if you have any problems with her then you should have to tell him directly after she is your wife so just talk with her and ask her why she is doing this kind of nonsense and try to find the solution and just clear it out.. divorce is not a good idea for this small things..


But is it really such a small thing? Trawling the net checking up on exes isn't something a contrite WS should be doing during reconciliation... Her focus should be on restoring her H's trust and repairing her marriage.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> Well, it sounds like I'm outnumbered on this one.
> 
> From my perspective, it would be silly for my boyfriend to break up with me if I occasionally looked at my exes' Facebook pages. I don't know whether my boyfriend is looking at his exes' Facebook pages. As long as he is not contacting them, I don't want to know and I would find it controlling and stifling if my boyfriend told me whose Facebook pages I can or cannot look at. True, I would not be happy if I found out that my boyfriend is looking at his ex-GF's social sites, but as long as he's not doing anything about it, I'm not going to worry or snoop around his computer constantly to check. Snooping and then getting mad is tantamount to getting mad every time he glances at a pretty woman and constantly getting tense around pretty women in anticipation that he's going to look at her. "It's natural and stop making a big issue out of nothing" is what most people would advise me if I got mad at a boyfriend who checked out other women every time we went out. I live in a community full of gorgeous women. I know he notices. He doesn't gawk, but sometimes I gawk at other women because they are so pretty. How may times during a day does a guy think about sex or look at other women? I would think frequently based on the statistics. Should I be miffed that he finds other women pretty? I would drive myself crazy and I would never have a relationship with a man ever again if I expect him to never look at other pretty women or masturbate while thinking about other women sometimes or like to look at porn sometimes.
> 
> ...


I realize it will still be a minority vote, but here my .02...

I agree with Loveadvice on this one. 

It's like some other posters take any given situation, based on the OP's tunnel view on the matter, multiply it by ten, interpret the result in the worst possible daylight and the advise him to leave. For his own protection from things that may or may not be or ever gonna happen. Preemptive strike for something that didn't happen yet, just so he doesn't get hurt by her in the future.

Guess what people. You may ALL be hurt by your spouses in the future. Deal with it.

Anyways, OP...

Your wife's behaviour may mean nothing, as Loveadvice stated so well. If you knew this for sure, you would be able to relax.

What if she fantasizes too much about this this or other men? Not so good. The question is, in that case, how could you improve the relationship so she wouldn't have the urge to do that? THAT is the question here. How could you meet her emotional needs better? Do you know what they are?

And stop snooping. It's weak and insecure. And it makes you paranoid (that you know by now don't you) instead of, maybe, actually work on stuff to better yourself and/or your relationship.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

well.... if i was in you i would check up on some of YOUR ex's and leave the page open so the first thing she will see will be that page! Some times, when you get a tast of your own medicine, that will be more inlightning.....
If she happens to say anything, then just respond that it's ok for you i will do just the same, and if you keep up with it i will start dating mine.
Yeah... it's a childish game, but with chidish people it usauly works.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm on the fence on this one. Lots of people are nosy about other peoples lives on facebook. Not just exes but old friends, classmates, co-workers etc. They want to see how they're doing, how many kids they have, their vacations etc. etc.

If she is just as nosy about everyone from her past I wouldn't be all that worried. If she is only looking him up I'd be concerned. Not because I'd be worried about cheating. I just need to feel like I'm number one.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Uncertain Husband said:


> That is the question. Is she questioning her decision, or is it as she once said, that this is just what women do. Meaning that they look up their past ex's. Or at least, their fist love, because that one was special. I'm having trouble accepting that since I really dont care about anyone from my past. But she says that is the difference between men and women. True?


Nope, it has nothing to do with differences between men and women and more to do with differences between a person who cares about your feelings and one that doesn't.

I think I looked up my "first love" ex, once, a long time ago. Possibly before I even met my DH, I can't remember now since it was just the once anyway. Didn't find anything, didn't really care.

Personally I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I felt so disrespected. It's not that she's looking up the ex all the time so much as she's doing something she knows you don't like, despite agreeing not to do it, also after causing you a great deal of pain over something along the same road (cheating). It screams, "I just don't really care enough about you to give a damn if I hurt you". No one likes to feel that they matter so little to someone. I wouldn't stay if I knew this was how my partner felt about me. I think life is too short to stay with someone who isn't going to work towards a great relationship, but rather just sit and stagnate in a mediocre one. I'd rather be by myself if that was the case. If you have children on the other hand, it can change things.

Edited to add: I just read some of the other responses and saw stuff about her just being human. Personally, I'm not some super human and even I get that to constantly look up exes would be counter productive to a happy marriage, as it obviously is in this case, which she would be fully aware of, yet is still doing it. You should be able to check her computer and see nothing along these lines because she should be being super careful not to fall off the rails again. Her track record is crap, and a person interested in mending the relationship wouldn't be so keen to fall back into bad habits. My DH doesn't check my computer because I've never given him reason to feel he needed to. That's the difference imo. Putting this back on you for not 'trusting' her is a poor excuse for her behaviour. You don't trust her because she is not trustworthy.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Given her history of affairs it simply is not worth the hassle and wasted energy on somebody who is unable or unwilling to settle and commit to just your penis. Unfortunately you choose poorly or simply had bad luck. Contrary to popular belief, not everybody holds monogamy sacred.

No kids? Cut your ties and divorce. Kids, maybe try counseling.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Uncertain Husband said:


> That is the question. Is she questioning her decision, or is it as she once said, that this is just what women do. Meaning that they look up their past ex's. Or at least, their fist love, because that one was special. I'm having trouble accepting that since I really dont care about anyone from my past. But she says that is the difference between men and women. True?


I can only speak for myself, but if I were to start looking up exes it would be because I was less than interested in my current relationship. If my SO knew I was doing it, was hurt by it and I simply told him "this is just what women do," it would mean that I wasn't emotionally invested in him or his feelings.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I'd never advocate leaving a partner simply because they were curious about where an ex is nowadays. And comparing yourself to that ex's partner is human nature as well. I get that. I'm certain a majority of us have done that.

That being said...this isn't your run-of-the-mill relationship. You can't forget the affair happened. You can't forget that trust was broken. Honestly you'd be a fool to.

The issue at hand is that you told your wife how doing this makes you feel. She continues to do it. That's the problem. It's not the innocence of looking up an old flame. It's that you told her how it makes you feel and she continues to do it anyway. I've never cheated, but I've been in a rocky relationship that I knew needed changes or I was going to lose that relationship. At the time I would've done anything to salvage it because I placed so much value on it. If I were in your wife's shoes and my partner asked me to stop doing something because it made him uncomfortable... Guess what? Boom. Done. Why? Not because I feel he was being controlling, or because he was being unrealistic regarding human tendencies to look around at people of the gender we're attracted to, but because it was a specific activity I was doing that made him uncomfortable. If I placed value on our relationship and his feelings there's little I would not do. Why doesn't your wife feel the same way? 

We can debate all day about how we would each perceive that based on our own respective experiences in relationships, but it comes down to how you perceive her actions. 

Are you okay with her continuing to look up past romantic partners and obsess over their lives and new partners, even after you told her this makes you uncomfortable?


If yes, problem solved.

If no, what are you prepared to do about it?


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

Uncertain Husband said:


> But I get extremely bothered by her continously searching for anything about her ex that she can find and looking up his family members. With the things that she said about that relationship and the obsessiveness of the searching, it has made me feel like he is the one that got away and that she would like to be with him. Whether true or not.
> 
> I can't bring it up with her. I was constantly checking on her after the affair and that was an extremely sore point and let to many fights, despite I could see from time to time that she was looking at things she should not have been. If I tell her I looked on the computer to see what I saw, I may as well tell her we are done.


I have to ask. Does she check up on all her past friends / ex's or just this particular guy? That might give another indicator about where all this might be going. She has already been unfaithful in the past and it still haunts you. 

The way I see it as an outsider is that if your marriage hangs by a thread and it will only take one more confront to break it, perhaps it's time to be rational and let go?


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## Bluemoon89 (Nov 6, 2013)

Honestly if she truly does love you then she shouldn't be bothered with her past or let it creep into your lives and marriage. Don't worry I dealt with my hunsband, who was my boyfriend and fiance at the time who went to go meet up with his ex girlfriend (of two years). But he would state she was a friend until I finally got the truth out. Before he would leave to go meet her he would say "I love you". But in my hear I was like , if you do love me and see that this bothers me wouldn't you not go for my sake? Or so I thought. I just don't get why some people just have to keep the past in their lives. Being married is a new chapter in life and we should be willing and excited to embrace it and move on. In the end when no one else is around it's just you two. Are they going to be happy when it's just you two?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

In my opinion the OP is right in not wanting his wife to behave like this. She cheated on him and he gave her the gift of reconciliation and now ... as it seems to me ... is showing interest in other men. Even if this is only idle curiosity, if it makes him the least bit uncomfortable and he let's her know about it, she should stop this behavior; no questions asked. I think his is justified in thinking about leaving and at the very least he should say either this crap stops or I'm gone.

When confronted with a similar situation (though not with the history of infidelity) I confronted and said no contact with the Ex or you risk the marriage. Then I blocked Facebook and his e-mail addresses, amongst other things I did to show how serious I took this situation. Controlling of me? Certainly. Do I give a crap? No.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I see it as;
She broke the marridge vows and cheated. You caught her and set boundries designed (I believe) to form a reconcilliation and in that rebuild is the trust element of the marridge.

From my stance any partner that has cheated has to live with the others boundries until the hurt party feels safe and secure that their trust, which a massive thing in any relationship, is completely rebuilt and they feel comfortable.

The boundries of trust are simple. Dont do something that will cause the other hurt and that is the breach. Your W has breached that trust. You set, what I see as reasonable boundries and she continues to step across. Either she is ignoring you and the issue of trust, she is unable to be open and honest or she needs to keep trying to see haw far youll go before you drop on her.

In any of these Id drop on her and make it easy to understand. Your the hurt one, shes the cheat. If it continues now or in the future the next step is shes OUT!. Then Im afraid you need to stick with it. If she continues to extract the urine then you have to make good YOUR word or she will just keep hurting you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, you should divorce her. There are two reasons.

1. You cannot ever feel safe in your marriage. We all deserve to feel safe. Maybe she's got OCD. Maybe God is telling her to check these web pages. But maybe, she wants to have affairs. And that's why you will never have that essential element of marriage.

2. You are buying into her complete BS "argument" of telling you are jealous or wrong for checking up on her. SHE KNOWS HER BEHAVIOR IS INAPPROPRIATE. She knows you are being reasonable. Yet, she fights with you about it. Why? Not becuase she thinks what she is asking is reasonable, it's becuase she wants to continue to act inappropriately.


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## Uncertain Husband (May 13, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> It's like some other posters take any given situation, based on the OP's tunnel view on the matter, multiply it by ten, interpret the result in the worst possible daylight and the advise him to leave. For his own protection from things that may or may not be or ever gonna happen. Preemptive strike for something that didn't happen yet, just so he doesn't get hurt by her in the future.
> 
> 
> What if she fantasizes too much about this this or other men? Not so good. The question is, in that case, how could you improve the relationship so she wouldn't have the urge to do that? THAT is the question here. How could you meet her emotional needs better? Do you know what they are?
> ...



I'm not looking to do do somehing preemptive. I don't even mind if she looks at other men or porn. It is the obsessiveness with the one guy that was real in her life that gets to me. Before here affair and before her questional behavior statements about her ex, I put no restrictions on tht friendship. I didn't it was right but I also didn't think it was right of me to demand somehthing different. But I' struggling with this lack of respect and the deceipt is too high that I'm wondering if I can live with it. I don't believe that the ex has any desire to be with my wife or to have anything to do with her other than minimal contact. It is the great lenghths that she has taken to either stay in contact or constactly keep online tabs on him that makes me questions things on her side.

And I know that she doesn't do this as a result of our relationship not being so great. She is always saying she is happy with the relationship. Even when I have gone to the ends of the earth with romantic things that I have done, I have seen her still seek the ex out, and her light up in suich a way if he did respond to one of her contacts (that was before I demanded no contact). 

I'm not insecure as I don't believe that she would leave me, and I don't believe that he has any interet to be with her. I'm angry and felling disrespected in seeing my wife obsess over someone else and constantly looking them up, and looking up his wife and kids, people that she has never met. It's hard not to look when she told me it would be a tough habit to break, and I had my doubts that she had ever stopped looking. How do you just decide you are going to stop looking when your spouse is constantly looking up their ex, after demands were made that it needed to stop.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

You can't control someone else's behavior--only your own. 

You've expressed to your wife that her interest in the life of her ex makes you uncomfortable. She doesn't want to stop and obviously feels like you're insecure and controlling to ask her to. 

So, your move. 

Her affair obviously affects your trust in her, and that is understandable. Perhaps she sees the marriage as more healed than you do and thus expects to be able to continue as if the affair no longer has any bearing on your feelings about her behavior. 

I don't have an opinion about who is right or wrong here--what she is doing might not bother some spouses, but it DOES bother you. If she's not willing to accommodate your feelings on the matter, you can either accept that or enforce your boundary. She might find the enforcement of that boundary (along with the snooping) is a deal breaker for her, in which case you two probably aren't going to happily work this issue out. 

FWIW, I often look up folks from my past (and my husbands!) just out of curiosity. My husband is friends with at least one of his old girlfriends, and still finds her attractive and it doesn't bother me one whit. It all depends on the level of trust and security you have in your marriage; and this varies dramatically with individuals and circumstances. If you can't find a way to put this issue to rest with your wife, it's going to continue to eat away at the marriage.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

:iagree: with GettingIt.

It's like men watching pictures of naked girls on the internet... understandable that wife doesn't like it. Won't do it anymore honey... right .

Stop snooping.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> It's like men watching pictures of naked girls on the internet... understandable that wife doesn't like it. Won't do it anymore honey... right .


This is a poor analogy, and here is why...



Uncertain Husband said:


> I'm not looking to do do somehing preemptive. I don't even mind if she looks at other men or porn. *It is the obsessiveness with the one guy that was real in her life that gets to me.*





EasyPartner said:


> Stop snooping.


Yeah, good advice. Because it's not like she has a history of infidelity or anything like that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> I realize it will still be a minority vote, but here my .02...
> 
> I agree with Loveadvice on this one.
> 
> ...


LOL. Hilarious.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SoVeryLost said:


> In my opinion, she doesn't have the right to be upset that you're checking up on anything she does, for as long as you feel you need to after she had an affair. Trust is not given, it's earned. She hasn't earned it back. Seems as though you give her an inch and she takes a mile.
> 
> If she had true remorse over her affair, and genuinely cared about you and her marriage, everything in her life would be entirely transparent. I'm an advocate of autonomy in relationships, but when one person has an affair, their right to that goes out the window.
> 
> ...


^This. All of ^this. Seriously, none of the other responses posted in this thread even matter.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

loveadvice;8724554 ACT AS THOUGH THE CHEATING NEVER HAPPENED IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. A normal couple does NOT snoop on each other's computer said:


> That makes no sense at all. Act as though the cheating never happened.
> 
> It's like saying pretend like you never broke your leg when you walk around with a severe limp.
> 
> ...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Since you told her that you would be done with her if she did it again, and it was part of the agreement for you to continue the marriage with her, I would say you should at least file for separation to let her know you aren't playing.
> 
> Looking up ex's is typically a shady thing to do. She's cheated, so in her case, it's shady.
> 
> ...


This post does the trick/settles it all.

OP, you accept this crap and you will have to live with the consequences. And if it took a lot of time and effort to get over it last time, you are in for a shock, it will only get worse.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I would not approve. In my case I do not look up former GFs. Especially now that I am married. There is no reason for me to do so. As your wife had an affair I think she has even less of a reason if she respects you and your marriage.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> I'm afraid this this is one of the reasons why I wouldn't stay with a partner who cheated on me. I would never trust them again...
> 
> In your case, you forgave the affair and, presumably, agreed certain boundaries for your marriage. Your W is now pushing those boundaries and testing your trust even further. It's now up to you to decide whether or not you are prepared to live the rest of your life with a woman who has not only devastated your trust, but continues to erode it.


:iagree:

precisely. yes you have reason to divorce your spouse:

1. her having the affair would constitute 100% of the reasons many would have to divorce their spouse.

2. and now she's preoccupied with ex's, contacting them occassionally etc.....BAD. IMO this should put you over the top - i.e. I think its ultimatum time. if she doesn't "like" the ultimatum, then that would be additional rationale for divorce!


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

After someone cheats its not unusual for the spouse to check up on them. They have taught you that you can't trust them and you shouldn't.

If she keeps looking at her ex it would make me feel like she was still interested in him. If she's interested in him I would question if I meant anything to her. 

I would leave if she doesn't stop. Follow through with your threat.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

So you caught her cheating and you forgave her.She repays you by trying to contact her college boyfriend.You catch her at that and she agrees to stop doing it.She repays you by continuing to try to contact him and accusing you of controlling her.Yes you should control her by showing her the door and serving her divorce papers,otherwise you will be playing Sherlock Holmes the rest of your life.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> That makes no sense at all. Act as though the cheating never happened.
> 
> It's like saying pretend like you never broke your leg when you walk around with a severe limp.
> 
> ...


I think he has either two choices: try to make his marriage work or leave. Anything in between is a waste of time.

If he honestly wants to make his marriage work, he needs to find a way to regain his trust in his wife. I think he needs to emulate the relationship that he wants to have. Act the role he wants to play. If he wants a normal relationship, snooping will not achieve that result. What normal healthy relationship involves snooping? If he wants to continue snooping and then continue to get aggravated about the morsels of information that he finds, then he may as well just throw in the towel on the marriage and leave her. He can't have a normal relationship acting like a detective in his own home.

At this point, his wife has only looked at exes on social media sites. So what? That's not tantamount to cheating. To make a big stink about a minor event is basically putting the nail in the coffin of this marriage. If he wants to make a big deal about looking at exes on social media sites, then I agree with most people that he should leave his wife. She can't stop doing what's normal for her, and he can't stop interpreting her actions to mean that he's not her one true love.

The facts are that the OP and his wife are having a very rocky marriage. His wife IS probably thinking about her ex in a favorable light given the problems in her current marriage. One way that he can alleviate some of the tension in the marriage IF HE WANTS TO GIVE HIS MARRIAGE A REAL SECOND CHANCE is to try to trust her and not snoop. If he can't do that, then he should leave her. 

Personally, I think that if he wants to leave his wife he should base his rationale on the fact that she cheated. To base his decision to leave her on looking at exes on social media sites is not a good reason to leave in my opinion. Most people who are social media savvy nowadays have looked up their exes out of boredom or curiosity. I think people from an older generation who did not grow up with social media being such a big part of their lives will think that it's abnormal that people use social media to learn about other people's lives.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> I think he has either two choices: try to make his marriage work or leave. Anything in between is a waste of time.
> 
> If he honestly wants to make his marriage work, he needs to find a way to regain his trust in his wife. I think he needs to emulate the relationship that he wants to have. Act the role he wants to play. If he wants a normal relationship, snooping will not achieve that result. What normal healthy relationship involves snooping? If he wants to continue snooping and then continue to get aggravated about the morsels of information that he finds, then he may as well just throw in the towel on the marriage and leave her. He can't have a normal relationship acting like a detective in his own home.


:iagree:

Darn you're smart, LA :smthumbup:

I especially liked your first sentence, which contains universal wisdom: make it work or leave.

Snooping, in the long term, is indeed detrimental for a relationship... if you find "something", it WILL be interpreted in a negative way, and if you don't, well, that doesn't mean there isn't anything, is there? Either way, you make yourself sick and even more insecure.

Very sexy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's a cheater, she can never be given complete trust. In her mind, she has proven she can rationalize doing the worse thing possible to one she loves.

Not investigating what she does after an affair is just stupid. Try reading a few threads in the cwi section. Stopping an affair and true reconcilliation may not be rare but its uncommon.

She has aloso proven she will break the promises she made after the affair and lie to keep doing just that.

Conclusion, she isn't wife material.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> IF HE WANTS TO GIVE HIS MARRIAGE A REAL SECOND CHANCE is to try to trust her and not snoop. If he can't do that, then he should leave her.


 Wrong!. It's not up to him. It's up to her. She cheated remember? She's the one that has to prove to him that she wants the second chance.

So how does she go about proving to her betrayed husband that she's remorseful and wants the marriage to work.

First and most important she can't be looking up old boyfriends and see just for the fun of it how their doing. 

She shouldn't give a rats ass about them if she knows that it's going to bother him. 

SHE HAS TO REGAIN HIS TRUST AND BY SCOPING OUT OLD BOYFRIENDS ON FACE BOOK ISN'T GIVING HER HUSBAND MUCH COMFORT. 

This is her job now, not his and she's not doing a real good job of giving him any sense of security. 

What she needs is a swift kick in the seat and to wake up before she find herself out on the curb.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> Wrong!. It's not up to him. It's up to her. She cheated remember? She's the one that has to prove to him that she wants the second chance.
> 
> So how does she go about proving to her betrayed husband that she's remorseful and wants the marriage to work.
> 
> ...


Wrong! He can't control her actions. He can only control his. He knows she does this, and yet he stays. There are only two choices for him: leave or stay. If he wants to stay then give it a real shot by honestly trying to trust her UNTIL she cheats on him again. He even stated himself that he knows she is not cheating. She's just looking. Looking on Facebook or other social sites is nothing. If he is going to need to micromanage her in order to feel secure then he should leave her because no normal relationship can work happily when one partner is constantly snooping on the other and being distrustful.

I'm all about controlling oneself and not waiting for others to do what one wants. If the other person is not doing what one wants, one has two choices: leave or stay. 

I'm also all about giving it my all if I chose to stay. If I choose to stay, I'm going to not go at it from a point of ambivalence. I'm going to give it real shot for it to be a normal relationship, and that includes full trust. If he can't do that, then he should be realistic with himself and just leave instead of snooping around and playing detective.

Two wrongs do not make a right. Cheating is wrong and snooping is wrong. If he needs to snoop, he should leave. If she needs to cheat, he needs to decide whether to leave. He decided to stay in spite of her cheating, but that doesn't justify his snooping.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

So he is supposed to leave if he won't stop snooping and he is supposed to leave if she cheats again.This sounds like it comes from the marriage book written by Bend Over and C.Howard Fields.She has and continues to show total disrespect to her husband and she should be the one hitting the bricks not him.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Uncertain Husband:You should check out the thread by lonely husband 321.His wife was bad mouthing him to on,he caught her,she agreed to no passwords,but two days later she got a bug up her arse and put them back.He then filed for divorce.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Uncertain Husband said:


> I made it clear that it was no longer acceptable to me, and she had a choice, stop all contact and with him and stop the searching for information or we were done. She was not happy about it, but she agreed.


It really comes down to this.

You gave her an ultimatum, you made it clear. If she continues to search him out you are done. 

She agreed and then broke the agreement.

MANY times. 

You did nothing. 

She sees you as having no balls, as a doormat that she can walk all over and do as she pleases.

Nothing left to save here, sorry. You have no choice. Get yourself down to an attorneys office and follow through on your part of the agreement, which was to end the marriage if she did not comply with your reasonable request.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

loveadvice said:


> Two wrongs do not make a right. Cheating is wrong and snooping is wrong. If he needs to snoop, he should leave. If she needs to cheat, he needs to decide whether to leave. He decided to stay in spite of her cheating, but that doesn't justify his snooping.


Two wrongs don't make a right. That's true.

Cheating is wrong. That's true as well.

Snooping is wrong. Well I'm not so sure that it's "wrong" but I agree that it's an invasion of privacy.

Nonetheless, I'll give you all 3 as being correct.

The problem with your logic is this: Once someone cheats they give up their right to privacy. A betrayed spouse keeping tabs on them, and using good old "trust but verify" strategy is not snooping. It's covering one's own a$$.

Nice try though.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> Wrong! but that doesn't justify his snooping.


 If you cheat, then you lose the right to privacy with your phone and computer. 

Maybe if he would have snooped beforehand she would have kept her pants up and her knees together.

He forgave her and she's still kicking sand in his face by still looking up old flames.

And for the record, it's probably the way this whole mess started so yeah he's willing to put her piss poor behavior aside but she doesn't have the good sense to know when to stop. 

Truth be told, he should just show her the door and be done with her and then the snooping will stop.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would have been done after I found out about the affair. 

I have looked up my ex before, but not all the time, just once. I wanted to see if he was still living in the same city, because I never wanted to ever run into him. I did find out that he is back in prision only after being out for less then a year!

I think she is up to something..


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Once someone cheats they give up their right to privacy. A betrayed spouse keeping tabs on them, and using good old "trust but verify" strategy is not snooping. It's covering one's own a$$.
> 
> Nice try though.





6301 said:


> If you cheat, then you lose the right to privacy with your phone and computer.


A cheater doesn't HAVE to give up their right to anything. They can voluntarily cede it as part of a reconciliation agreement . . . or not. 

The OP can want his wife to give up her right to privacy, he can believe it's a reasonable expectation (as many would) . . . but she can always say "no deal" and keep on doing what she's doing. She might be happy for the divorce if he draws this boundary, and if his snooping is part of the deal he's offering. 

It seems to me it's the OP who is having trouble walking away from this marriage, not his wife. That means SHE holds the cards. I don't see where she is all that willing to negotiate.

His move.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> A cheater doesn't HAVE to give up their right to anything. They can voluntarily cede it as part of a reconciliation agreement . . . or not.


Ok, right, of course that's true. A cheater can say "screw you I'm not giving you any information about my private life" and keep all their accounts and emails and phones locked up tight.

But any betrayed partner that would stay with a cheater who refuses to cede their right to privacy is being rather foolish to say the least. 




GettingIt said:


> It seems to me it's the OP who is having trouble walking away from this marriage, not his wife. That means SHE holds the cards. I don't see where she is all that willing to negotiate.
> 
> His move.


His only move is to follow through on his ultimatum. She expects that he won't, which also means that she can do pretty much whatever she wants without fear of reprisal.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She finds it acceptable to put significant energy into keeping up on her exes, including an affair partner. To me this is the critical issue.

Yes there was a boundary set, and she has crossed it. But the key part of it isn't that she stepped across the boundary, but that she sees nothing fundamentally wrong with doing it. Which means she has a value system fundamentally at odds with OP's.

Filing for divorce is the only way to possibly shock her into reconsidering her view of the situation. However, I would be very skeptical that she would make a genuine and durable change. I think the chances of long term happiness would be much higher without her.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Ok, right, of course that's true. A cheater can say "screw you I'm not giving you any information about my private life" and keep all their accounts and emails and phones locked up tight.
> 
> But any betrayed partner that would stay with a cheater who refuses to cede their right to privacy is being rather foolish to say the least.


I agree with this to a point--if the betrayed spouse just cannot relax unless their spouse gives up all privacy, then staying with a spouse who refuses to do so is just masochistic. 

However, I can also envision a reconciliation in which the betrayed spouse decides that he or she does not want to be gatekeeper, does not want to be constantly worrying, snooping, checking. Instead, they take the huge leap of faith to include reinstated trust as part of the reconciliation. They go "all in" for the reconciliation, as a previous poster (I think loveadvice) described. 

Although such grace might be beyond the ability of most betrayed spouses, I wonder if "reinstated trust" is something that would actually increase the chances that the reconciliation succeeds. A marriage without trust is really, really broken and I wonder if it can even start to heal. If I couldn't bring myself to reinstate trust, I think I would divorce. Who wants to live looking over someone's shoulder day in and day out? And although they might be remorseful and want to reconcile, a spouse who cheated might not be able to endure the loss of privacy and be driven to resentment and the very type of eroded intimacy that led them to cheat in the first place. 

Yes, "reinstated trust" is a risk, and opens up the BS to be hurt again. But walking away becomes much less of an issue after the second infraction, and at least the BS knows they did everything in their power to reconcile. 




lenzi said:


> His only move is to follow through on his ultimatum. She expects that he won't, which also means that she can do pretty much whatever she wants without fear of reprisal.


Or she might have set her own boundary for reconciliation--if her spouse can no longer respect her privacy, then she's done. (Whether this is reasonable boundary for a cheater doesn't matter; if she can't endure a marriage without privacy, she cant.) 

The only question is: who blinks first?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> Or she might have set her own boundary for reconciliation--if her spouse can no longer respect her privacy, then she's done. (Whether this is reasonable boundary for a cheater doesn't matter; if she can't endure a marriage without privacy, she cant.)
> 
> 
> 
> The only question is: who blinks first?


Do you think there should be an expectation of privacy in a marriage or any committed LTR. You are sharing the most intimate things, yet not appropriate to check who a spouse is having friendships/relationships with people outside of marriage? This is just a question, not a challenge.

I don't think there is any right to privacy in a marriage; the relationship is too close and intimate to think otherwise. My wife and I had a heated discussion on this ... after I found her e-mailing an Ex.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Do you think there should be an expectation of privacy in a marriage or any committed LTR. You are sharing the most intimate things, yet not appropriate to check who a spouse is having friendships/relationships with people outside of marriage? This is just a question, not a challenge.
> 
> I don't think there is any right to privacy in a marriage; the relationship is too close and intimate to think otherwise. My wife and I had a heated discussion on this ... after I found her e-mailing an Ex.


I think it's something every couple has to work out for themselves. 

My husband and I are roughly compatible on the issue, but have had to discuss it at times. We've been able to compromise or have been able to communicate effectively enough that one or t he other of us gives in voluntarily. 

I don't think I'd be able to be married to someone who demanded that I give up all privacy. The more trust and intimacy I have in my marriage, the less need I have for privacy--but I have to give it up willingly, not feel that I'm being coerced. 

There is no right or wrong way "to be."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I don't think I'd be able to be married to someone who demanded that I give up all privacy. * The more trust and intimacy I have in my marriage, the less need I have for privacy--but I have to give it up willingly, not feel that I'm being coerced. *
> 
> There is no right or wrong way "to be."


:iagree:


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Do you think there should be an expectation of privacy in a marriage or any committed LTR. You are sharing the most intimate things, yet not appropriate to check who a spouse is having friendships/relationships with people outside of marriage? This is just a question, not a challenge.
> 
> I don't think there is any right to privacy in a marriage; the relationship is too close and intimate to think otherwise. My wife and I had a heated discussion on this ... after I found her e-mailing an Ex.


I agree with you, Middleman. As a rule, neither partner should be keeping secrets from the other. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy though. I stay up later than my W so I can have a snack and watch a movie after she's gone to bed. I like that private time to myself. I don't think anyone in any marriage has any problem with that. 

I don't, however, keep secrets from my W. I don't have an email account that she's not aware of or send out texts to people when she's not around because I don't want her to notice what I'm doing. In other words, I'm behaving the same way around her as I would if she wasn't there. she does likewise for me. It works out nicely.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Two factoids from OP's first post that seem to have gone unnoticed:

1. "Not long after the affair" is when he became uncomfortable with W's looking up her ex. Implication: She is insensitive at least, unremorseful at worst. "Not long" after being caught in an affair is not the time to be looking up old boyfriends.

2. She agreed to stop doing this, but continued to do so anyway. Conclusion: she is deceitful and a liar.

After her affair, it's up to her to display trustworthy behavior (as defined by her H, i.e. behavior that will make him feel trust). The idea that he, as a betrayed spouse, is on the hook for finding trust within himself based on nothing at all is simply ridiculous.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I think we lost OP somewhere along the way...


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## Uncertain Husband (May 13, 2014)

SoVeryLost said:


> I think we lost OP somewhere along the way...


No you haven't. I have been taking it all in and I'm really not certain what to do next. It's eating me. So I will be bringing it up with my wife. I can't let it just go. But where it will go next, I'm not uncertain. 

As to a number of other comments in the thread.
It seems like a number of people here seems to jump on the get divorced train very quickly for any kind of wrong doing. With a long history (27 years), kids, finances and relationships that are otherwise going well, it's not so easy to say, ok you screwed up there, so we are done.

We never had a no ex rule, until about one year ago. That was when I finally had enough. Despite that, I never expected that she would never look him up again. That seemed unrealistic. How many on here are never going to check on an ex again? Nonetheless, it is still bothersome to me that she is looking up the ex's wife, who she never met, to who knows what.

As to the affair, it was an emotional affair. It never got physical. Although it wery well could have, and had it, well I would have ended the the relationship. Almost did anyways. But we did survive it.

Seems like a lot of the response have to do with snooping. While I did for awhile after the affair. I have not done so for some time. I don't have the energy for it, and I did trust her in every sense. 

It was only just before I demanded that things end with the ex that I realized how often she was searching for information about him, that I became uncomfortable, which was a little over one year ago. I'm not fearful about her and the ex getting together. Pretty sure from everything that I saw/heard, that he really wanted to keep it to an annual birthday wishes kind of thing and that he had no interest in her beyond that. Not that she ever displayed anything that she was seeking any kind of affair with him. Just that she wanted a friendship. However, I can't get past that there is something messed up with her viewing his wife's facebook pages (personal and business), and in the past (at the time that I became uncomfortable with things), reading articles about his kids. And she never met the wife or kids, who only came into the picture much after her relationship with him ended. 

It was that kind of crap that has me thinking about whether we really have a true marriage. She has in the past insisted that her looking was nothing more than curriosity over her 1st love and habit on her part. That doesn't give me any comfort, and I'm really not certain as to whether to look past this or just end the marriage.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

U.H.,

She had one EA (that you know about) and she is seeking out her next one right in front of you. She is showing no remorse. She shows you no respect. This is how you are being treated after 27 years. It sounds like you rugswept the first EA (that you say was going to go PA).

What exactly are the details of her first EA ?

How old are you both ?

How old are your kids ?

What has your sex life been like before, during and after her cheating ?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Uncertain Husband said:


> It seems like a number of people here seems to jump on the get divorced train very quickly for any kind of wrong doing. With a long history (27 years), kids, finances and relationships that are otherwise going well, it's not so easy to say, ok you screwed up there, so we are done.


Generally if someone posts something like, 'would you divorce your spouse for....?', you'll get people who would answer in yes/no sort of responses. Whether they actually would given they were in those same circumstances is a different story, as we all have boundaries in theory, nothing is ever black and white in reality. So if you prefer moderate answers, it's better not to lead in with a be all or end all sort of question.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You were looking for reassurance. From what you've posted, you are not going to get it. Nothing you have posted indicates she loves or respects you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You've been together for 27 years and she is still hung up on her "1st love"? Come on. You need to put your foot down and do something.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

My wife refuses to disconnect from her ex too. they talk sporadically on facebook (messages harmless except for a "miss you" one time). 

It can consume you if you are paranoid. I think the issue you should consider is that the ex is typically the first person she'd go to for a EA or PA, if things went south in your marriage. Everyone is curious about exes, but if she contacts and or seems a bit over the top with regards to finding him, then you should at the very least keep it on your radar. 

Also, remain quiet. Don't acuse. Just remain quiet and focus on your marriage. If you are still concerned, snoop, but do so without getting caught.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Uncertain Husband said:


> Not that she ever displayed anything that she was seeking any kind of affair with him. Just that she wanted a friendship.


Why on earth does she need a friendship with a married man, from her past, with whom she had an EA. This is nonsense. 

It sounds like she has "friend-zoned" you, her husband, and is seeking excitement elsewhere. From what you post, this is how it reads. It's obviously bothering you, otherwise you would not have posted. For your own sake, I think you should give her an ultimatum. I'm not saying to serve divorce papers, but you need to show that you won't be taken so lightly. It's unattractive.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife refuses to disconnect from her ex too. they talk sporadically on facebook (messages harmless except for a "miss you" one time).
> 
> It can consume you if you are paranoid. I think the issue you should consider is that the ex is typically the first person she'd go to for a EA or PA, if things went south in your marriage. Everyone is curious about exes, but if she contacts and or seems a bit over the top with regards to finding him, then you should at the very least keep it on your radar.
> 
> Also, remain quiet. Don't acuse. Just remain quiet and focus on your marriage. If you are still concerned, snoop, but do so without getting caught.


I don't get that, man. I'd put my foot down something fierce about contact with ex lovers. In my W's case, she has never shown an interest but she was also the one to end it with the two ex boyfriends we've looked up on FB.

She just wanted to see what they looked like some 20 + years later. I think that made her even more happy that she chose me as I've aged well and stayed in shape.

Anyway, is this ex her first love or her "soul mate" or what? If she was so into this guy, why is she not with him now? Did he dump her and then find you or what? I must admit that I just don't get the whole "keeping up and maintaining friendships with exes" nonsense. 

If you're the one she chose to marry and you're her "true love" then why the interest in some ex from years ago?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I also don't understand this fascination with finding out what ex's are doing. The past belongs in the past. No point looking back, just a great way to walk into a pole, and not a little pathetic really. Yes, I just insulted half the forum I'm sure, lol.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

barbados said:


> She had one EA (that you know about) and she is seeking out her next one right in front of you. She is showing no remorse. She shows you no respect. This is how you are being treated after 27 years. It sounds like you rugswept the first EA (that you say was going to go PA).


This about sums it up. 

Despite what a lot of posters are trying to paint it as, this is not about her occasionally looking up different ex's. It is her regularly looking up one particular ex. She is directing specific emotional energy to this one specific person and doing it weekly. In view of her previous cheating, it is clear she did not learn her lesson.

As for the trust issue, that is a two way street. To make the marriage work certainly requires him to work to trust her. But her actions need to be trust worthy. In view of her affair, her spending emotional energy on one guy is not trust worthy. That is on her.

If the OP is not quite ready to end things, get Not Just Friends and make it required reading by her. I would also require marriage counseling for you two, preferably with a counselor who specializes in infidelity. If she refuses, you have your answer as to what she cares about.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Three years ago I was guilty of this. It wasn't just one specific woman for me. I looked up anyone I had a past with, even if it was just a classmate. I got hooked into the whole Facebook thing. My wife spent months going through my phone without my knowledge. Once she confronted me I deactivated my Facebook and I will NEVER go that route again. At the time, stupidly, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I didn't need to be told twice.
Subsequently my marriage really has never recovered.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife refuses to disconnect from her ex too. they talk sporadically on facebook (messages harmless except for a "miss you" one time).
> 
> It can consume you if you are paranoid. I think the issue you should consider is that the ex is typically the first person she'd go to for a EA or PA, if things went south in your marriage. Everyone is curious about exes, but if she contacts and or seems a bit over the top with regards to finding him, then you should at the very least keep it on your radar.
> 
> Also, remain quiet. Don't acuse. Just remain quiet and focus on your marriage. If you are still concerned, snoop, but do so without getting caught.


OP (and BB32):

sometimes I wonder, in cases like yours where it sounds like the situation is unacceptable but does not rise to the level of something that can end the marriage -- this puts you in a difficult position. kind of a perpetual, low-level disrespect from your spouse. 
I wonder if, since your wife has divided loyalties, to some degree, if you wouldn't be better off dividing your loyalty as well. Develop some friendships with other women, in particular online friendships. if this bothers your wife it might make her reconsider what she herself is doing. if she doesn't care, then it looks like you've uncovered a real value difference between the two of you, and divorce should be a serious consideration.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Uncertain Husband said:


> As to the affair, it was an emotional affair. It never got physical. Although it wery well could have, and had it, well I would have ended the the relationship. Almost did anyways. But we did survive it.
> 
> It was only just before I demanded that things end with the ex that I realized how often she was searching for information about him, that I became uncomfortable, which was a little over one year ago. I'm not fearful about her and the ex getting together. Pretty sure from everything that I saw/heard, that he really wanted to keep it to an annual birthday wishes kind of thing and that he had no interest in her beyond that. Not that she ever displayed anything that she was seeking any kind of affair with him. Just that she wanted a friendship.
> 
> It was that kind of crap that has me thinking about whether we really have a true marriage. She has in the past insisted that her looking was nothing more than curriosity over her 1st love and habit on her part. That doesn't give me any comfort, and I'm really not certain as to whether to look past this or just end the marriage.




I'm curious about the underlined part. What exactly was she asking of him in order for HIM to say, 'Oh, no, I just only a 'birthday wishes'-only kind of relationship with you, nothing more, thanks.'? 

Did she ask him to have lunch with her, ask to call him, etc.? And you've said he was her 'one that got away', so I assume he broke up with her; do you know why they broke up?

I find it pretty disrespectful of your wife to continue to seek out information about an ex when you've distinctly told her it bothers you. It's also just alarming in itself that she has such emotional allegiance to a man who has been out of her life for almost 3 decades. 

I am also rather dismayed at the amount of people suggesting the onus for fixing this problem is with the OP. He was the one who has been (and continues to be) betrayed by his partner; not vice-versa. He should not be the one asked to 'just get over it' and 'pretend the cheating never happened' and 'learn to trust more'. 

While they both share the responsibility of creating a new marriage (because the old one was clearly broken and should not continues) and going forward together with new modalities for emotional and physical expression of love, the burden of repairing trust belongs with the wife, as she's the one who damaged that component of their marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This song is exactly how it goes down.

Brad Paisley-FaceBook Friends - YouTube


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Philat said:


> The idea that he, as a betrayed spouse, is on the hook for finding trust within himself based on nothing at all is simply ridiculous.





Is It Just Me said:


> I am also rather dismayed at the amount of people suggesting the onus for fixing this problem is with the OP. He was the one who has been (and continues to be) betrayed by his partner; not vice-versa. He should not be the one asked to 'just get over it' and 'pretend the cheating never happened' and 'learn to trust more'.
> .


I don't think anyone has said the OP "is on the hook for finding trust" or that "the onus for fixing the problem is with the OP." 

What HAS been noted is that the OP is being treated in a manner that he finds (and many people would find) unsatisfactory and disrespectful. He's communicated this to her, and she's not changed her behavior. This leaves this OP with some choices: 
1) Enforce the boundary and initiate separation or divorce. If the OP is not willing to divorce over this issue, then this is a risk, because his wife might accept the divorce over the monitoring of her behavior. 

2) Continue to live with resentment and anger over her behavior, continue to snoop and find evidence of her following old partners on FB, but do nothing about it. The marriage probably will eventually tank--a longer, slower death than option 1, with possibly more infidelity from her, or some from him, or maybe both. 

3) Choose to stop monitoring wife's behavior and accept at her word that her interest in her ex's life is nothing more than curiosity. Get IC if this is something he can't do on his own. Go forward with the reconciliation doing all he can to focus on making it successful, while accepting that she might be brewing another affair. If the reconciliation is successful, wife's interest in ex will probably burn out. Marriage could end up stronger because OP took the leap of faith that he did.

I don't think that OP is at all obligated to consider #3--it's simply an option that he could CHOOSE to employ if the possible outcomes suited him better than the possible outcomes from options 1 and 2. 

It doesn't matter what we all think _she_ deserves. It doesn't matter what we all think _she_ should be obligated to do. She'll do what she wants to do, same as the OP will. 

OP received plenty of affirmation for his pain, but affirmation isn't advice. He needs to think through his choices, weigh the outcomes, and decide what he wants with a clear head.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Uncertain Husband said:


> No you haven't. I have been taking it all in and I'm really not certain what to do next. It's eating me. So I will be bringing it up with my wife. I can't let it just go. But where it will go next, I'm not uncertain.
> 
> As to a number of other comments in the thread.
> It seems like a number of people here seems to jump on the get divorced train very quickly for any kind of wrong doing. With a long history (27 years), kids, finances and relationships that are otherwise going well, it's not so easy to say, ok you screwed up there, so we are done.
> ...



Alot us seem quick to get on the divorce train because many of us have been where you are. We lived it out doin everything we could to save our marriage with an unremorseful cheater. We saw it through to the end. We know how this story ends. Yes there are exceptions, but usually I is just minor details.

Bottom line your wife is a selfish entitled cheater. If she doesnt believe that and want to fix it, eventually you will get divorced or be miserable because you keep saying no more then don't follow through.

I think alot of us wished we had trusted that they suck and left after the first d-day instead of dragging it out, emotional rollercoasters, and setting us back in gaining our new life.

You should google chump lady. Lots of really good info on her site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

wtf2012 said:


> I think alot of us wished we had trusted that they suck and left after the first d-day instead of dragging it out, emotional rollercoasters, and setting us back in gaining our new life.


There is a lot of wisdom in that. Forever the marriage is damaged, and the WS will never be viewed the same as before. This is a new relationship with a new person. 

Doing to D immediately and then starting fresh with someone new means some risks but there is none of the baggage.

Filing D immediately is also the strongest possible message to the WS that there *will* be consequences and that the onus is on them to do heavy lifting if there is to be any chance of R.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> Stop snooping.


NOPE! Do NOT stop snooping. She cheated. She should be bending over backwards to prove herself worthy of your trust, and she refuses to do so. This to me shows a lack of remorse, and lack of commitment to your R. I know exactly what you are dealing with. To whoever posted that checking on exes is "just what women do"...BULLSH!T. I have an ex boyfriend who wouldnt stop checking out his ex GF online, an ex that he had an inappropriate relationship with while involved with me. ( full blown affair never proven) He would block her, then unblock her, which I would know because he gave me passwords to "earn my trust" then would change his passwords. It was a huge, damaging game, looking back I cannot believe I stayed around and dealt with that crap as long as I did. 

She does not care to earn your trust after the worst kind of betrayal. To me, that is very much a divorce-able offense.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

There are several posts over in CWI, about finding out later about the cheating continuing.

She cheated and is not remorseful.

There is one in CWI where he caught her again 2 years later and he thought is was an EA and it was several PAs.

there is one in reconciliation about a second d-day. He had left some software on the computer and she had taken it underground again.

If she cheated on you once, she will cheat on you again. I hope you did not rug sweep the last affair. She should have exposed to the OM's wife. 

What would she do if you had an affair?

Have you exposed to her family what she is doing? 

may as well now tell her family she continues to cheat and you can't trust her.

She does not respect you. Respect yourself.

She how she responds to the divorce papers. It might wake her up or maybe she wants out.

Seems like she wants out.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

My Husband Is Seeking Out An Old Flame—Should I Talk To Him About It?


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