# gave my husband an ultimatum, and he doesn't seem to care (long)



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi guys. I have posted here in the past, though a while ago. To quickly summarize, I'm in a long-distance marriage with a husband who lives in India (who has never been to the US). We were just married over a year ago last November 2011, and the plan was that he would move here after obtaining his US visa. (I'm a full-time medical student and do not have the option to go there.) However, within 1.5 month of our marriage, his mom became ill with Tuberculosis that also got into her brain. At that time when facing her potential mortality, he completely freaked out and went absolutely nuts (saying stuff that didn't make sense, talking about killing people, etc). I did my best to emotionally support him, but January and February of this year were some of the most trying times emotionally for both of us. Our relationship went under severe strain. I did go and visit him and his family (who he lives with, as is common in Indian culture) in March during a school vacation, and that was the last time I saw him face-to-face (as I haven't had additional vacation). By about March or so, his mom had made significant recovery and my husband was mentally stable again, though emotionally tired. He left his job to become a caretaker for his mother, so that he could make special food for her, and give her all her meds. Additionally, he established a home business that allowed him to stay at home and make even more money then he was making before (all the money he made was for him and his parents and brother... none was given to me, although he did pay my day-to-day expenses when I stayed with him for a week in March).

By April, after his mother was stabilized, I started asking my husband to start getting his side of the visa paperwork together, so that everything could be mailed to me in July (as I expected the US government to be ready for his documents in August). I told him that this way he could be here in the US by December. I started getting disturbed, as he was fully engrossed in his business there and his mother, and not doing what he needed to do for our marriage and future together. August rolled around and still he had made minimal effort. He always had some excuse, blamed me for not telling him all the things he needed (when I was only trying to help him by looking up stuff online). By the beginning of November, I was severely fed up of him not making me a priority. (He has even told me a few times that his mom is #1 to him, above me... although he states that it might chance once we actually started living together.) He blames me for not being compassionate enough with his predicament for his mom's illness. But I think I have been more than patient,... as I don't think it's okay for a husband to just continue to drag his feet to be with his wife. Although I had originally asked him to be here by December, because of his continual delays, I knew that wouldn't happen. Finally I gave him an ultimatum to mail me his documents by mid-January (which would allow me to have them by Jan 31st, and allow him to come here by late April)... otherwise, I told him I'd plan to pull the visa-in-progress and cancel it, which is almost as good as divorce in my mind (as reapplying would mean being apart another 10-12 months again). 

The reason I gave him an ultimatum was not because I was being mean or uncompassionate. Although the biggest issue was that I was fed up of him staying away from me and not taking his responsibility as a husband seriously... there is more. By him continuing to delay, he will actually get an unconditional 10 year visa as opposed to a conditional 2 year one. And thus if he delays long enough, he can come here and not even need me. So this puts me in a bad situation, as I will still have financial ties to him even if he divorces after coming here. (Although he doesn't know all of the details I don't think, he is aware of the unconditional visa.) He always claimed that he was coming here for me and never wanted a US visa, but at this point, I don't trust his words anymore, as he breaks promises at will and seems to lack integrity. He has always been very sweet to me, but he cares more about outer appearance rather than inner substance. I have told him that if he cares about me and doesn't want to take advantage, then he needed to get me the visa documents on time so that I don't get backed into a corner. Getting me the documents by end of January will BARELY get him a conditional visa rather than an unconditional one... assuming he doesn't delay further, later in the process.

Right now, the deadline of the ultimatum is less than 4 weeks away... he could barely finish on time if he did this all day and dropped everything else. Yet, he is just dinking around, continuing to grow his business there, etc. His excuse now is that I am the one preventing him from doing the visa work, as I keep talking about divorce and thus he isn't going to a new passport or do other stuff if I'm just going to turn around and divorce him. He says I need to give him a guarantee that I'll give the relationship a chance before he'll make the effort... but that if I give him the guarantee that I'll try, then he'll go and do the work this week itself. I told him I can't make any promises, as I'm too emotionally exhausted due to his lack of making me a priority in his life and not caring about my feelings. So he continues to do nothing, with each day passing. Each day I am sinking more and more into a depression, as I realize that the reality of my divorce from him grows closer. He tells me that he doesn't want to divorce, as he wants a life with me.... but his lack of proactivity says the opposite. Interestingly, my husband states that the physical distance has been what has killed our marriage, yet he is making no effort to get himself here with me.

Now I'm in a position where I'll have to be the one to initiate a divorce from someone I still deeply care about. He is a wonderful son to his parents, but sadly not a very good husband to me. But he still has been a friend. We have a lot of happy memories together, especially from the time before we got engaged. I love his company, and we have a lot of common interests and lifestyle that I don't know if I'll find in a partner again. It crushes me to think about leaving him. Even now when I wake up in the middle of the night, I check my email to see if he has messaged me again. I don't know if I love him anymore (as I'm too hurt to be able to determine), but I still deeply care for him and feel attached to him. I just want to hug him, and be close to him, after 9 months of not seeing his handsome face. (I have a 1 week vacation next week and was thinking to visit him, though everyone has strongly advised me not to go there and continue to put effort for someone who isn't doing the same for me.) I always think that we could be so happy together if he would only grow up and make me a priority in his life. I'm just doing my best to stay out of depression at the time, as I'm so sad. Although we used to talk twice daily, I have rarely been calling him since November... maybe just once a week. He was initially calling, now he just keeps sending emails complaining that I don't talk to him enough. And just continues to send me messages about little frustrations in his life, without any mention of the biggest issue of our potential divorce coming up. I guess he doesn't really think I'll pull the trigger and divorce him. I don't want to. But I can't live with this status quo anymore, and I'm just devastated.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> He tells me that he doesn't want to divorce, as he wants a life with me.... but his lack of proactivity says the opposite. Interestingly, my husband states that the physical distance has been what has killed our marriage, yet he is making no effort to get himself here with me.


Yup, sounds about right. This is exactly what happens in long distance relationships. Your post tells me that you have reached your emotional tipping point. You can't bear the pain of separation anymore and would rather end the relationship than suffer any more. You love and hate him at the same time. Love the man but hate the distance between the two of you. I'll bet you have started to irrationally hate his family too.

I do believe he married you for you and not for any percieved 'better lifestyle' that you can offer him. This is good and bad at the same time. Good for you in the sense your marriage is genuine, but bad because the 'lifestyle' doesn't really motivate him into action for getting his visa. 

Now i think i see the underlying problem but i'm not sure if you will agree with me. At present he has a good income, business and assumes the role of the financial provider for his family and this gives him a sense of purpose. If he were to start staying with you he would not only lose that but would also become financially dependent on you which can really be unsettling for a guy in his position. Maybe even a bit emasculating. You asking him for money just made the situation worse by scaring him further. That's precisely why he was trying to have that philosophical debate with you - 'why can't a girl support a guy'. Because this is how he tries to rationalize your relationship. I'm sure you know that you will have to support him for a few years before he can stand on his own feet. And if i'm right, no amount of threats will fix the situation.

Here's what i can suggest -If it's not too late try visiting him for a few weeks. It will ease that pain and frustration that you are feeling, i promise you. While you are with him, you can push him to get his paperwork done. Sex is a great motivator for men . If thats not possible, you could try bawling your eyes out about your situation when you skype with him. The 'good guy' persona in him should trigger action. Now if i'm right about his financial insecurity, i would advice you to open a frank and honest discussion with him about the subject. Now if you are willing to support him for a few years, let him know that. Take 'finances' off the table for now.

As you have said in the past, getting a spouse who accepts you for who you are without making you feel bad about any insecurities that you have is indeed a rare thing. IMO don't do the 'D' without making an attempt to fix this. I see your call for 'D' as a cry for help to fix your situation rather than a means to get away from your DH.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks Bluelaser! I'm glad to see your post, especially as you previously posted in my threads before and thus know more of the story. I only have a single week vacation (next week). At this point, ticket prices are way out of my budget (well over $3,000 now). And I'd only have a 5 day visit there, due to my medical school. If our relationship was good, I'd do it. The problem is that I have made 3 trips there in the past. Considering that I'm taking student loans, I'll have to repay all this with interest. At this point, I don't think I should have to make another trip for him if he isn't putting me at the top of his priority list... it's HIS turn to make the trip here as I've gone there plenty enough on my own dime. He surely wants me there but doesn't value my money the way he values his own, as my money is like free money to him. He doesn't think of it as OUR money.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

And I do agree with you about his intentions. My family and everyone else assumes that his intentions are bad, that he just wants the visa. But from my experiences talking to him, I'm just not so sure. He really seems to think life is better in India... as he always talks about the lack of jobs here currently due to the recession, etc. Most people think that is a cover up for his real intentions, but I suspect he has serious doubts about coming here being away from his family, etc. Actually I'm just not sure what to believe anymore, whether it's just fear guiding him or bad intentions. The whole thing has just left me confused and tired. I'm so exhausted of putting in effort, which is why I have almost stopped trying at this point. I need the effort for now to be totally from his side, as I have nothing left to give... after feeling like I was the only one giving for so long. Even my counselor says I seem pretty detached at this point. I am somewhat detached, yet really saddened at the same time. But he hasn't had any sort of wake-up call, as he's still in the same place.

On the positive side, a week ago, he did read a relationship book I gave him (the online version). This was the first time he read a book for me... though he moaned and made a huge issue about reading the 170 page gem. He dragged his heels and procrastinated to read that, but finally finished it a few hours before the link expired (he had a 2 week time frame to read it, according to the online policy by the publisher). Although it gave him a bit of awareness, I don't think it motivated him to change things as much as I hoped. He thought reading the book would make everything okay between us, and was surprised when I was still somewhat distant. I did tell him I appreciated him for reading it, though.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> My family and everyone else assumes that his intentions are bad, that he just wants the visa.


Well i think that's just to cast him in bad light, in case your marriage goes south. If that were his real intention you wouldn't be having this issue of prolonged seperation. He would probably move in with you ASAP then scheme on abandoning you. Also, correct me if i'm wrong but i haven't seen anything in your post where he has asked you to give him money. If he did that would be another red flag. 



> He surely wants me there but doesn't value my money the way he values his own, as my money is like free money to him. He doesn't think of it as OUR money.


I agree. But part of this is because of nature of your union, your family being exceeding weathy compared to his. He doesn't care when you spend your own money because from his perspective you are the 'rich gal' who can afford to do so without losing sleep over it. Him being the sole provider for his family with limited income makes his money that much more valuable. So your comparison of "your" money vs "his" money isn't fair. If you lose your income you can fall back on your family, he can't. Get the picture?

Now, given the wealth disparity between your families and the nature of your profession compared to his, surely you would have known that you would be the main provider for your family after you got married. So i'm guessing you would have calculated that you wouldn't need help with money and would choose him as a mate because of his 'good guy' nature. If this is true then i'm puzzled as to why 'finances' are suddenly an issue for you. If he was unable to get on his feet within a year of living with you would you consider dumping him, since he can't provide for you financially? :scratchhead:

IMO if you guys are able to set emotions and ego aside you can make this work. The devil is in the details.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

bluelaser said:


> Well i think that's just to cast him in bad light, in case your marriage goes south. If that were his real intention you wouldn't be having this issue of prolonged seperation. He would probably move in with you ASAP then scheme on abandoning you. Also, correct me if i'm wrong but i haven't seen anything in your post where he has asked you to give him money. If he did that would be another red flag.


Actually I think in previous posts, rks1 mentioned he wanted to send money back to his family if he moved abroad, he asked her to buy some computer tablet and send it there and I think she did. She and her parents paid for nearly all the wedding expenses. His family didn't contribute to the wedding expenses as much as rks1 did and even after that, the wedding wasn't the way rks1 wanted. The husband invited politicians and other "important" people to the wedding. I thought he also made comments about her family's wealth. There might have been other things as well that I can't recall offhand.

She's already visited India three times. I don't think she should take a trip costing thousands of dollars and valuable time to see him again when he can't be bothered to take actions for MONTHS. The ball is in his court and has been for a long time. 

I have friends who live in that part of the world. They've come to visit us. When they come to the US for vacation, it takes hours standing in line outside the US Embassy starting at 5 a.m. just to get a tourist visa. Sometimes they have to make multiple visits to the embassy to get that visa. That's just for a tourist visa! This man can't even finish the paperwork to see his wife from whom he has been separated since they've been married. You'd think he'd be highly motivated to finish his paperwork if she's his #1 priority. And at least he is honest about his priorities. His mother comes first. And I suspect, the mother will always come first because of his cultural conditioning.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

rks1 said:


> The reason I gave him an ultimatum was not because I was being mean or uncompassionate. Although the biggest issue was that I was fed up of him staying away from me and not taking his responsibility as a husband seriously... there is more. By him continuing to delay, he will actually get an unconditional 10 year visa as opposed to a conditional 2 year one. And thus if he delays long enough, he can come here and not even need me. So this puts me in a bad situation, as I will still have financial ties to him even if he divorces after coming here. (Although he doesn't know all of the details I don't think, he is aware of the unconditional visa.) He always claimed that he was coming here for me and never wanted a US visa, but at this point, I don't trust his words anymore, as he breaks promises at will and seems to lack integrity.


Ok, clarify this for me. By giving him the ultimatum, you prevent him from getting the unconditional 10 year visa, right?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Ok, clarify this for me. By giving him the ultimatum, you prevent him from getting the unconditional 10 year visa, right?


If he makes the deadline I had given him, then it would just be soon enough for him to get the conditional 2 year visa. He would still have the option to get a long term visa after that, but it would mean that in 2 years he would have to 'prove' our relationship to the US government, before the visa would be extended. I think he could still obtain a long term visa even if we were divorced by that time, but it would be much harder on him... as he'd have to submit more proofs that we had a genuine relationship.

Conversely, if he came here on HIS time schedule (by continuing to delay), then he would automatically get a 10 year visa... as the US government automatically issues a 10 year visa if he enters the US after we've been married for a total of 2 years or more. With a 10 year visa, one could automatically apply for a US citizenship within 3-5 years (depending on whether we were still married at that time), and then start applying for his family to get here. So the 10 year visa basically opens the door fully for citizenship. I have no problem with him applying to be a law abiding citizen; it's just that of course my family wants to know he's coming her out of love for me, and not with any other intentions. In theory, with this option, he could come here, file for divorce the next day and take up a girlfriend here... and I'd still be financially responsible for him, as even divorce doesn't clear my financial obligations. If I'm going to take that much responsibility for someone and put myself at risk, I just want to be clear in my mind that he genuinely cares and is willing to be a real husband to me.

Either way, he gets a US visa. It's just that the 10 year path opens the door wide open with no constraints from his side... while the 2 year conditional path presents an additional hurdle for him to decide if he loves me enough to spend 2 years with me or not without any guarantees of being able to stay here.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I gave him a quick call today to thank him for a card he had mailed to me for his brother's wedding. You could totally tell the way he lit up when he heard my voice on the phone... he sounded genuinely happy to hear from me. I hadn't called him in a week.

It just makes me sad that he sounds so happy to hear from me when we haven't talked in awhile... but when we talk more often, he just takes me forgranted.

I don't know if there is any love, or if he's just feeling lonely. His brother just got married this week, and he (my husband) is the one without a wife there while the brother is on the cloud-9 honeymoon stage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too recall your posts. Sorry to see that your issues have not been resovled.

I agree with Coffee Amore. YOu have gone out of your way to spend time with you and he does not seem to try to match the effort.

You even said that you don't talk to him much anymore because you are not calling him much. Does he know how to use a telephone? Why are you the one one doign the calling?

Belive his actions. Actions speak loader than words. He's lost interest in the marriage.

Another thing I recall about your posts is that your mother (she's a doctor right) was advising your from going to visit him with his family because of the TB. As a caretaker he could not have the illness. You could have it or catch it. when someone is as ill is mother she can trasmit it to those around her.

I've had TB, you do not want this illness.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Are you Indian? Was this an arranged marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've followed her story for a while so hope rks1 won't mind me answering for her. 

She is Indian, but born and raised in America. She lives in America. Her family lives here. She has had an American upbringing while still understanding the culture her family came from. He's Indian from India. Hasn't left India. Still lives there with his family. It was not an arranged marriage. They "met" online. 

That's the readers digest version.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Now, given the wealth discrepancy between your families and the nature of your profession compared to his, surely you would have known that you would be the main provider for your family after you got married. So i'm guessing you would have calculated that you wouldn't need help with money and would choose him as a mate because of his 'good guy' nature. If this is true then i'm puzzled as to why 'finances' are suddenly an issue for you. If he was unable to get on his feet within a year of living with you would you consider dumping him, since he can't provide for you financially? :scratchhead:


I agree that I initially married him for the 'good guy' persona that he cast himself as. I really thought he was sweet, and hence the reason why I didn't make a huge issue over the fact that I'd have more earning potential than him. Even though I do care about a spouse's earning potential, I still thought having a loving husband was more important than money (as in those days, he portrayed himself as very loving). 

However, I still want to know that my husband cares about me, and tries his best to 'take care' of our family by going out and working hard. I wouldn't want a husband who just sits at home all day playing video games and complaining how hard jobs are to come by. (Now actually WORKING from home is a different matter, as I have no problem with that... such as if he could run a successful home business, while still having some time to watch over the kids or get some housework done. That would be very cool, and would be a huge blessing.) If he was out all day working hard, and still ended up making less than me... I don't have a problem, as I know he's putting his best foot forwards and trying to be the best provider he can. But sitting around at home with no ambition is definitely not okay with me.

By the way, I do have some fellow female classmates in medical school who are married to guys who are firefighters or nurses or other professions which have less earning potential than a physician. However, my female classmates are deeply grateful to their husbands for helping put them through medical school (financial, emotional support, house and child raising support, etc).... as they rightfully should be grateful to have such loving and supportive husbands helping them out. This is NOT my situation. I'm here as a full-time student, while my husband is not helping me in ANY way. He's staying in India away from me while I'm dealing with being here on my own, living like a single person, except that I can't go and meet any other men. I'm not getting any financial support either as everything he's making is going to his family... not that I care so much about getting his money, but simply that I feel like he is shirking his responsibility for OUR family while only taking care of HIS family back in India. It's like we are not even married, as nothing has changed since our wedding over a year ago... except for both of us being less romantic and more annoyed with one another.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> I'm not getting any financial support either as everything he's making is going to his family... not that I care so much about getting his money, but simply that I feel like he is shirking his responsibility for OUR family while only taking care of HIS family back in India.


Naah ....it's not about money. There is a simpler explaination. From your perspective, you married a guy expecting him to give you emotional support and companionship. You aren't getting either. In fact, when you have your 'fun talks' he tells you about the stuff he is doing for his family (this is related to his insecurity which i'll get to in a minute), how he takes care of them etc. All it does it remind you that you are not at the receiving end of this "taken care off" feeling. This makes you resentful and perhaps even jealous of his family. Like the tablet story coffee mentioned. After complaining that he spent $100 on a budget tablet instead of giving it to you for paying your bills, why would you go out and buy him a good tablet for 4x the money, for a guy who wasn't even around to use it? And without him even asking you too! (i know you were trying to be a hero & impress him, but anyway  ). What irked you wasn't about the money, rather it was that he was doing this for his brother. It triggers jealousy with a pinch of betrayal. He might as well be kissing girls while he is doing this .

From his perspective he does it for his family because he has the capacity too. He looks at you as this rich girl who has far more money than he does who doesn't require his help. When you keep asking him for money you end up pushing him into a corner feeling emasculated making him realize that he is in no position to provide for you financially. That's exactly the reason he lashes out at you. If you were to start living with him, at his place, he would take care of your well being too. If your marriage were to survive this ordeal and you guys become a real family you will be at the recieving end of his efforts because thats just in his nature. By asking for that from him now you are essentially jumping the gun.

I respond to your posts because i can empathise with your frustration of a prolonged seperation. I can also empathise with him as to what it feels like to be married to a spouse from a much wealthier family. I know exactly what you mean when you say that he doesn't respect your money. It will be like he doesn't seem to care that you spent a lot of money, like its no big deal. That's just the way the brain works. It just accepts the reality of the situation rather than being grateful for it.

I know why you want to believe that he has an ulterior motive in marrying you. It makes it that much easier to hate him, get him out of your head and move on with your life. If he did, it would either be for the visa or your money. For both cases there is an easy tell. For the visa - is he overly obsessed with getting his papers, like his life depended on it? is he too knowledgable on visa matters, more than a regular person is? is he too eager to start his new life? does he care about that more than your well being? If he were a gold digger, he would just have one motive - to get money from your pocket and into his. Does he keep asking how much money you have or where you keep it? does he keep asking you to buy him expensive things? Is he generally obsessed with your money?

When i read your story, i see two people, married to each other, love each other but are struggling to make it work because of their deep insecurities. You have low sense of self worth, so you tend constantly put yourself down. You think you have "married up", a '4' married to an '8' and that you have very little to offer him and fear he will leave you for someone else. On the other hand he feels like he has "married up" socioeconomically, again a '4' married to an '8' and that he has to prove that he is worthy of being with you by constantly telling you how he started a business and takes care of his family and so on. The way i see it, he likes the idea of being married to you and is proud of having you for a wife (he was showing you off to his friends, remember?) but now realizes he is staring into an abyss not knowing how he can provide for you when he moves in with you, fearing the uncertainty. So he clings on to what he has now - a job and family, well until he runs out of excuses. Like a guy standing at the edge of a pool hesitating to jump in. A good question here is why would he try to grow his business that he would have to abandon anyway? Or why it would take him 9 months to delay getting his papers which now he claims he can do within a week? Just as you fear he will abandon you, he fears his own ability to provide for you in a country that he knows little about. That's exactly why he wants a guarantee that you won't divorce him (quote below). He wants reassurance from you that you'll watch his back in case things don't go as planned. He didn't get that did he?



rks1 said:


> He says I need to give him a guarantee that I'll give the relationship a chance before he'll make the effort... but that if I give him the guarantee that I'll try, then he'll go and do the work this week itself. I told him I can't make any promises, as I'm too emotionally exhausted due to his lack of making me a priority in his life and not caring about my feelings.



My point being you're worth a lot more to him than you realize. When you are seperated for this long, you'll need constant reassurance from your partner that they love and need you. Longer the separation, bigger and bolder the gesture needs to be. I'm going to bet that this phone call made you feel a little better. By hearing his excited voice you realized he needs you too, maybe even just as badly. That will ease your pain for about a week until you need another "hit" from him again. Looking back at my own experience, if i had to do things differently, i would have met up with my wife periodically instead of choosing a prolonged seperation. So i'll stand on my recommendation that you guys should meet. The question of how and where is something you both can decide.

If you do divorce him because you are unable to deal with the emotional turmoil anymore, so be it. But if you decide to file just to see if he tries to stop you, you're in for a big disappointment. Not only is he powerless to stop you, he'll just feel you're no longer interested in him, think this was too good to be true and move on with his life. A complete waste, don't you think?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Interesting food for thought, Bluelaser. I'll have to reflect on it... I do suspect there is some truth to what you have written. You are correct about my frustration with his buying a tablet not really being about the money, as I had no problem spending 4x the cost for him to have a better quality one once he gets HERE. It just irks me that he things my money should also be funding his brother and rest of the family... as I don't feel the need to support them, and think my husband should want to have a separate bond with me that doesn't include everyone else in it.

As far as his hesitation to come here... he had told me before (months ago) that he has some fears about coming here and leaving his family as he has lived with them all 28 years of his life. So I know this is true. He also has mentioned his concerns about the job market here. He is trained in law and accounting and business (and has completed 3 master's degrees. However, only the accounting really transfers here). So he isn't very happy when I tell him that he might need to work as a waiter in a restaurant if he can't find an accounting job right away. BUT despite knowing all this, I don't see why he wouldn't still think it better to take the plunge, rather than continuing to sit at the edge of the pool. Him delaying isn't going to make anything better except to destroy the marriage. I know it is very frightening, as I would be horribly frightened if I had to move to India for good. But at the same time, he was the one who knew from the beginning (before we even got into a relationship) that he would be moving here if we got involved. So it was known from the beginning. I just need him to mature into a man, rather than staying stuck as a boy... but I can't force him to change, yet I don't know how much longer I can stay with him this way much longer either.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You even said that you don't talk to him much anymore because you are not calling him much. Does he know how to use a telephone? Why are you the one one doign the calling?
> 
> Belive his actions. Actions speak loader than words. He's lost interest in the marriage.


Yeah, I know. I was the one who reduced calling him about 2 months ago (my reduction in calling wasn't about me playing any games, it was simply about me being severely tired of being unable to resolve our differences and the constant bickering anytime we did bring up the topics). He continued to call for a few weeks afterwards, but would complain that he was the only one calling me and I wasn't calling him. Then in the last few weeks he also stopped calling me as well. Maybe he thought it would make me call... and in some way I do, but I still make infrequent calls (like once a week or less, as I'm too spent and exhausted). So now he resorts to sending one-liner emails... sometimes mentioning how I don't call anymore, or asking if we should talk sometime soon.

As far as TB goes, the TB has long been resolved with his mother... as she is nearly finished with the one year course of her medications (it's been 11 months now). Now she's just tapering off all her meds, as she had an MRI last month and is clear of it in her brain. As far as my husband having latent TB, it is possible. I had myself checked after visiting them in February, and thankfully I didn't catch anything then. My husband is not having any signs of active TB at this time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He does speak, read and write in English, right?

One of the best ways for him to break into the job market in the USA would be for him to get into school here.. Since he already has a degree in law he could go to law school here. He might even get credit for some of of the work he did in India. Same goes for accounting.

He could use his time getting American equivalents to one or two of the degrees he was in India. And making contacts with people and firms that would eventually hire him.

I would think that with such a mix he could find very good positions in law firms, accounting firms and other companies that do business between the two countries. Sounds like a gold mine to me.

Has he looked at firms in India that he might be able to start working in some capacity with the USA now? Surely he could make this work.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Think of me as a concerned older sister talking to you, not yelling, but talking over a cup of coffee. 
My concern has long been that he may use you for the eventual U.S. Citzenship. So if he delays coming here, he gets the unconditional 10 year visa which can eventually lead to citizenship in 3-5 years. So there's a big benefit to him to delay the visa process. 

An unconditional 10 year visa to the US is huge in a country where people can't even get a visa sometimes to travel to the US to visit relatives who live here. I have a somewhat jaded view of marriages to people overseas because unlike other people here, I know people who have married foreigners only to have them take the green card and citizenship then divorce. There's someone in my husband's side of the family who married, believe it or not an Australian (not exactly a third world country, eh), to give him the green card and citizenship. 

You've allowed your feelings to lead you to this marriage. Perhaps it's time to think logically and rationally about this. I think you are doing that now with the ultimatum. 

If this had been an arranged marriage, he would have been here by now, don't you think? He wouldn't be dragging his feet the way he does. You're in limbo. He's going to keep you in limbo as long as you allow it. And the longer the limbo undecided state goes on, the more beneficial to him even if he's not maliciously doing it, he ultimately will benefit and you lose. Really, you're in a lose-lose situation all around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rks1 said:


> Yeah, I know. I was the one who reduced calling him about 2 months ago (my reduction in calling wasn't about me playing any games, it was simply about me being severely tired of being unable to resolve our differences and the constant bickering anytime we did bring up the topics). He continued to call for a few weeks afterwards, but would complain that he was the only one calling me and I wasn't calling him. Then in the last few weeks he also stopped calling me as well. Maybe he thought it would make me call... and in some way I do, but I still make infrequent calls (like once a week or less, as I'm too spent and exhausted). So now he resorts to sending one-liner emails... sometimes mentioning how I don't call anymore, or asking if we should talk sometime soon.
> 
> As far as TB goes, the TB has long been resolved with his mother... as she is nearly finished with the one year course of her medications (it's been 11 months now). Now she's just tapering off all her meds, as she had an MRI last month and is clear of it in her brain. As far as my husband having latent TB, it is possible. I had myself checked after visiting them in February, and thankfully I didn't catch anything then. My husband is not having any signs of active TB at this time.


TB can lay dormant in the body for years, decades. There is usually an onset, or preliminary, infection.. high fever, etc. I know when I had my initial infection.. it was a week when my temp was 104 for the week . I could not get out of bed for it. I got better. No one suspected that I had TB. The a few years later I got pregnant, it was a bad pregnancy, I could not keep food down and lost 25 lbs during the pregnancy. I was so weak.. that's when the secondary TB started. I went to doctors for a year.. running high fevers all the time when finally one ran out of things to test me for and did a TB test out of frustration. It was later confirmed with more testing.

I know that with current medication and treatments TB can be cured. With proper hygiene keeps it from being spread, even to care givers.

What my doc told me is that it’s almost impossible to kill all of the bacilli with the medications. Some small number will always live in the body. And when a person’s immune system weakens for any reason it will flare up again. Old age is one of those very likely times.

You husband will definitely need to be tested.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I haven't read all the responses, so I may have missed something or be repeating something, but.. there are major concerns here.

This is your HUSBAND. What do you want from him? What are you willing to accept from him? Would you be as willing to accept his actions if he were in the same country and making the same choices to put his business and family ahead of you? I can understand the fears he might have about getting a job, leaving his family, etc. I imagine that would be a huge leap of faith. But didn't he commit to that when he married you? If you even have to consider giving him an ultimatum, its a huge red flag. That goes whether he is in the same country or not.

You need to decide whether the relationship you have right now, and the importance he puts on it, is worth the risk. IF, big IF, he is actually using you for a visa, he DOES know about the 2 year rule. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about that. My husband and I went through the immigration process a few years back. Little different, we are in Canada and we did the inland route (hes been living here since he was 13 under his dads visa and was 31 when we applied for his own), but I was part of an online forum, like this one, that was about immigration. There were way too many threads started by a loving spouse that, sometimes years later, ended at the end of the process with "he/she left me".

10 years is a loooong time to be financially responsible for someone. If you aren't already getting everything you need from him, and don't feel you are number one, don't risk it. You deserve to be all that and more to someone. If you aren't worth the risk of his leaving everything he knows, he isn't worth the risk of giving up everything you are and have.


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