# Anyone In A Successful Second Marriage



## wifenumber2

Any tips for success for someone in a second marriage?

I have blended family with adult kids? Other bumps: financial (H's spending on his kids) H's emotional baggage from first marriage to an alcoholic.

Anyone successfully overcome any of these issues?


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## Faithful Wife

I am in a happy second marriage. We've certainly had our share of "stuff" to deal with. What specifically are you dealing with? If I can help, I will.


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## wifenumber2

Faithful Wife said:


> I am in a happy second marriage. We've certainly had our share of "stuff" to deal with. What specifically are you dealing with? If I can help, I will.


Conflict resolution (actually lack of)
which results in him storming out for the day and moving to the guest bedroom for 3-7 days. 

Lack of emotional intimacy:
He admits that he wants nothing to do with his mother as he felt she was manipulative by not being forthcoming about a condition he had and talking behind his back. His ex-wife was an alcoholic and the majority of their marriage was spent sleeping in separate rooms but by his admission it was due to her wanting to stay up late and his needing to go to sleep early so he could get up to work. She also kept the kids sleeping in their bed etc. I get along with her now but at first I would concur she was hurtful and manipulative. I feel more like a friend with benefits than a part of the family. I find out news about family members from my sister-in-law not my husband. 

Financial:
Would like to see 50/50 contribution of household expenses. I am picking up most of the major stuff like the mortgage and utilities yet I see him buy very expensive gifts and trips for his kids. If he didn't do the latter, I could swallow the inequity. 

Your thoughts?


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## rush

I am in the second marriage, lots of bumps and grinds,,,,,work at it every day, communicate.......communicate.....communicate....


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## wifenumber2

edbopc said:


> I am in the second marriage, lots of bumps and grinds,,,,,work at it every day, communicate.......communicate.....communicate....


I'm a communicator married to a non-communicator 

I'm willing to work at it and have for the past 13 years but it's hard when the other half of this marital equation does not appear to place the same effort.


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## rush

talk at all? Or the block wall thing?


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## SScaterpillar

First, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this situation.

It certainly sounds like he has a difficult time communicating. Do you think he would be willing to seek counseling, either for himself or for you as a couple? 

He's has a tough row to hoe, it sounds. It's clearly left his scarred and it's making your relationship difficult. My husband and I have always had a very solid, happy marriage but were having a lot of trouble when it came to intimacy. It was ALL me and I knew it. I finally decided to seek counseling. So much that has happened in my life (sexual abuse, molestation, rape, poor family ideas regarding gender, etc.) had led me to have issues with sex. I've learned even more about myself and the causes of my problems and in 3 years, I have made a complete 180. Our intimacy is great, though I still have my moments.

Explain to him that you love him so very much and know he must have gone through a lot. Talking to someone who is neutral can be so beneficial for him and you would go, too. Don't put the blame or burden on him, because it's still a two-way street and you can end up making him feel like you blame it all on him and his problems. It's a very difficult line to walk.

Just for the record, I am a second wife in my first marriage. My husband went through a lot with his first wife. She cheated, she physically abused him, she manipulated him very badly. She even went as far as to tell their priest that he abused her, just so that she could get a leg up on him. We all tend to compare our current partner with a past partner, whether we want to admit it or not. It's OK, to me anyway, to stand up for yourself and make it crystal clear that you are NOT the ex-wife. You are the current wife who has unconditional love for him and you should not be treated as though you are not.


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## Revel

wifenumber2 said:


> Conflict resolution (actually lack of) which results in him storming out for the day and moving to the guest bedroom for 3-7 days.


John Gottman has a number of good books which deal with conflict management. One book, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last" is pretty good, though he has others of the same theme. In my opinion, he provides some of the most insightful and useful advice about dealing with conflict.


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## WalterWhite

Blending families almost always never works. It's very rare that it does. It's better to stay single and date, and wait until all the kids are gone to remarry.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## IndecisionIsTorture

WalterWhite said:


> Blending families almost always never works. It's very rare that it does. It's better to stay single and date, and wait until all the kids are gone to remarry.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


What exactly do you base this claim on?


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## bevixnz

Both my Wife and I were married previously. I think this taught us what a bad marriage looks like and the experience makes us appreciate each other and our marriage so much more than we would if it wasn't for the prior one.

Finances are managed together and no extra cash means no arguments on how to spend it!

Her child from the first marriage was young enough to be ignorant to everything, so no complications there.


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## Lynds1980

I am planning my second marriage and yeah, there are now things I wont let slide because I know what they lead to. Its taught me to be tougher with what I want out of a partner and I count my blessings every day for the man I now have...


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## alexm

I'm in a second marriage as well (my wife's first, though she was effectively common-law with her previous partner).

Both of us have learned so many lessons from our previous attempts at it, and neither of us stand for the BS that our exes threw our way. In other words, we are not afraid to stand up for ourselves when we perceive any negative similarities between ourselves and our past partners.

It sounds to me as though your husband (in his second marriage) has not really learned from his previous go at it and is not affording you the benefit of the doubt. He seems like he's handling conflict the same way he did previously, but you are not his ex wife. She obviously robbed him of the ability to trust and let go, and that shouldn't be your problem to deal with now. Entering a relationship with a very broken partner obviously isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be that difficult, either. It's all in the mindset of that person, whether they're willing and able to change how they react to situations that are similar to their pasts.

Both my wife and I allowed ourselves to help each other fix ourselves from our broken pasts, and this is key. Your husband is not invested enough to allow you to help him, it seems, and he's stuck in the same mental place he was with his ex wife. Not good.


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## I am

The secret to successful second marriage is in knowing why the first marriage ended in divorce.
Good Luck


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## Pinkpetal

You married without first discussing finances and expectations? That's surprising for a second marriage. I wouldn't be impressed either if my husband wasn't contributing 50/50 but was paying for expensive gifts and trips for his kids and not even running it past me first. I believe that marriage makes it "our money". That means no major spending without collaboration.

Leaving the bedroom for 3 - 7 days rather than facing you and the issue sounds like he is reverting to what he knows. If he often slept in another room in his first marriage then he may not even realise that he is copping out. 

Have you tried counselling with him? For me it would be well past time to sit down for a serious talk and telling him that you're unhappy and why. Is it possible to hash out some rules and guidelines that will help you to feel included?

I suspect you have made a lot of adjustments to make this marriage work. I can understand why, but I think it's time to stop trying to fit in with them. Insist on some conditions for yourself and make this family fit you for a change. There is nothing wrong with having some reasonable expectations, nor standing up and stating them.


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