# Married but having a crush



## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Thanks everyone for listening.

I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.

Shall I share my feelings with this coworker, or keep quite and bury it inside? We shall control our behavior, but we can't deny how we feel.

For whoever responses, I appreciate if you can let me know your age group and relationship status, so that I can gauge where your advice is coming from.

Update 1/24:
Thanks everyone for chiming in. This discussion is becoming a group therapy session for me. I don't necessarily agree with everyone but I sure appreciate your attention and the time it takes for you to write. From your responses it looks like it is not a good idea for me to tell her. I am still trying to understand why but I think that's the approach I am taking. I also need to talk to my wife about this, later, to see how she feels about me and whether she can help to find out what my problem is.

As far as my coworker (let's call her Maggie), she did not show up for the work out today. Probably busy working long hours.

I will try to respond to some of your comments when I have the time. I decide to keep this thread a little longer (yes I need your attention, too). I did modify the above question poll slightly to make it more playful. Why not? Life is short.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I am 69 and female and single. You are playing with fire thinking about confessing to a coworker. There is literally no good outcome for this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her"?🤣

Yes please tell your wife. Maybe the three of you can go bowling together which could possibly enhance your "fortunately marriage" even more.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

On sharing your feelings with her_, three words.............*DON'T DO IT!*_


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This is a joke? No…


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is a joke? No…


Not a joke. Thanks.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Johnny34 said:


> Not a joke. Thanks.


In that case, do not confess. What is the point of sharing your feelings? In the ideal situation in your mind what is the result and is that worth giving up your life now?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married women in her 60's here. Run. Stop seeing her and dont tell her a thing unless you want your whole world to blow up and those you love to be deeply hurt.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


This reminds me of a cartoon of guy pulling on fishing rod with the fish on his line in a brown bear's mouth. Caption is "what could go wrong?"

With any luck the young coworker has a kickboxing pro for father and/or boyfriend. Or she complains to HR that you have been harassing her. You could end up divorced, jobless, homeless, broke, and in the hospital all at the same time if you play your cards right.

My age is mid seventies married more than 5 decades. Am really old but NOT an old fool. When I was working we had more than one old fool with the company act on their stupid "feelings". With results including at least one of the results you are working toward, described above. One guy hit the jackpot with ALL of them lol.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As far as I'm concerned the moment you tell her that you are attracted to her you are officially in an affair. It will only snowball from there. 

Assuming you want to stay married change gyms now and never talk to that person again. If you have to stay her coworker cut off all ties that aren't work related.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Do not tell the co-worker. End all social interaction with her. Only professional communication as necessary for work. Focus your emotional energy on your marriage. Why tell your wife? What would that accomplish?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Also, you asked for our age and relationship. I'm in my 50's and married 32 years. Not sure that changes anything. How old are you and how long have you been married?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Stop working out with this woman and find another gym. Stay away from all females working out, because you're a risk of falling for another woman. You must not let the other woman know, you're a married man, not in high-school crushing over the girls. You're playing a dangerous game and could seriously destroy your marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to start to have wise boundaries in the way you interact with other women.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


early 40's divorced F, previously M for 13yrs (20 yrs together) here.

You could be my exH, this is exactly how his affair started, except it was solely at work. It started as an emotional affair (EA) and progressed because he was flattered by a much younger woman's attention. You're on a destructive path, your actions will determine the outcome. How would you feel if your wife was asking this?

Does "*We shall control our behavior, but we can't deny how we feel" *mean she reciprocates your feelings and you've already discussed things?

My advice is to get therapy to figure out why another woman's validation means more to you than your wife's and stop all interactions with your coworker or change jobs before it gets out of hand. From what you've said, you're already far gone in an EA.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I chose: what's her number.
I did that so that you would give me her number, and I would call and tell her:
Hey little hot number there, you know that middle age fool co-worker of yours somehow he got through his feeble mind that he can scores with you. Oh, please, Don't laugh, I'm serious, he actually has the hots for you and is thinking to declare his love to you.

What? No, his wife doesn't know, so please don't tell her, no, no, please Don't go to HR, think of his poor kids😢. Oh crap, your boyfriend is one of those jealous kickboxing dudes that easily gets tick-off? Oh man, and here I was thinking of asking you out myself, well, I was just kidding, don't tell your boyfriend, please 🙏. 

Good bye, nice talking to you.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, you asked for our age and relationship. I'm in my 50's and married 32 years. Not sure that changes anything. How old are you and how long have you been married?


Thanks. I am in my early 50's. Married 17 years.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I am in my early 50's. Married 17 years.


So I have a question for you, Johnny...

What aren't you getting/asking for at home or missing in you that's making your attention wander?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

60, M, married for 33+ years.
Let me ask you this -- does SHE know you are married? If so, do you really want a relationship with a woman who WILLFULLY goes after someone else's husband? If she will do that, what sort of person do you think she REALLY is.
EVERYONE has attractions to others -- I bet your wife does also. BUT, you are MARRIED, you gave HER a promise to NOT DO THIS. 

You shouldn't tell your wife that you are attracted to this woman, but you SHOULD cut off contact -- no hanging in the gym working out together, going for lunch at work, etc..
Also, does your workplace NOT have sexual harassment training? You could seriously lose your JOB for this, OK?

If you don't love your wife, then seek a divorce. Don't play this monkey branching crap.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

You say you are middled age... so you need to start acting like you're middled aged.

You're acting like a teenager.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

How old is the co worker?
What is the work relationship?
Is the Gym part of the company you both work at?


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Sounds to me like you are already in the early throws of an Emotional Affair. If ruining what you have with your wife is worth it then carry on....but remember that infatuation is always way better than reality. You don't want to find THAT out after you've destroyed your wife and kids' lives.

Step back and think long and hard before you carry on.


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## MysticMoon (Jan 9, 2018)

If you have to talk to her for work, keep it professional. Don't go out of your way to find reasons to talk to or see her. Keep it a harmless crush! They're healthy. No touching. No discussions about personal matters. It will fade over time. Just give it the time and chance to fade, abs not build it into more.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Johnny34 said:


> Not a joke. Thanks.


When I read the poll questions, it made me think it was. They looked like they were not very serious. I didn't answer by the way.

In my early 70's married 50 years. From experience marriages have ups and downs. During some downs one's mind can wonder. However, marriage is about commitment. Unless you and your wife have some kind of agreement to an open marriage you are on a very bad path. I have seen others follow that path and it doesn't end well.

Far too many people subconsciously sabotage their own marriages. The more you think of this woman, the more you are going to lead yourself down a slippery slope toward divorce and ruin. The road to an affair and divorce often starts with just speaking to some who is attractive. Then the next small step is to spend more and more time with them. Then the next small step is to either meet them on a business trip or go out and have an alcoholic drink with them. And then.....one thing lead to another and there you are looking at divorce papers. The point is most emotional and romantic physical affairs are a series of small steps. You may rationalize each step as not being a problem or being unfaithful to your wife........until you suddenly realize the totality of what you have done.

Your instincts are telling you that what you are doing is not such a great idea. Look at the words you have posted and the questions in your poll. So the real question for you to do some introspection on is why are you posting this? Do you want someone to tell you its OK and this situation isn't and won't be a problem? Are you looking for someone to convince you that you need to stop this? Well, let me offer you the advice you need. 

Stop this, promise yourself that you won't do anything like this again, and then take this secret to your grave. If you need formal forgiveness go to a priest and confess. They will give you penance to perform, forgiveness and absolution. Then figure out how to build strength in your marriage. Consider your current guilt as part of your penance and a reminder of what you were contemplating was very wrong.

In this day and age of litigation, seeing a member of the opposite sex who works where you do is just asking for career destruction. Depending on how you handle things in dialing back your gym crush, you may already be in trouble. You need to carefully disengage without making her mad, but you need to do it gently and quickly.

There is nothing wrong with watching a pretty girl at the gym anymore than admiring a beautiful painting, unless you get too creepy. 

Good luck


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I don't need to prequalify myself to you with my age, blood type and vaccine status.

_More_ than the fact that you're playing with fire with respect to your marriage, haven't you ever heard the expression, "don't **** where you eat?"

Are you good with possibly losing your job or making it extremely hard to be there every day if you follow through with this nonsense and then it goes belly up?

Look at the BIG picture, not the immediate one.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Your feelings will mess you up. Use your head (the big one, not the little one.)


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I am in my early 50's. Married 17 years.


Johny, not sure your position on the job relative to the coworker, or if she is a new hire. When I was working there were cases of young women hiring in, befriending some older fool ( preferably a supervisor ), then filing harassment suit to fill their bank account. Result was invariably the same. The old fool was told to clean out his desk and hit the road. Wife's good friend's husband was a foreman with 30 years of service who ended up on the bricks for "helping" a new female hire. He didn't end up divorced, but according to my wife, their bedroom's temperature dropped to freezing.

Bottom line, this young coworker could be trolling for dollars and you are chasing the bait.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> In this day and age of litigation, seeing a member of the opposite sex who works where you do is just asking for career destruction. *Depending on how you handle things in dialing back your gym crush, you may already be in trouble.* *You need to carefully disengage without making her mad, but you need to do it gently and quickly.*


For sure. Johnny you have already greatly complicated what should have been an enjoyable phase of your life. Enjoying your wife, family, security. Somehow you will need to leave that gym and do whatever is necessary to avoid ANY interaction on the job. Change your work location so you have zero contact. Pray that she will transfers her attention to another foolish target.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

There's a very real chance if you have the conversation, with your object of limerence that you've outlined, that your life will never be the same. The life of your W will never be the same. Have the conversation with your W about "how you feel" and she will never be the same. 

These are profoundly life changing events that you are toying with. The fallout is usually life long.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm your age and married twice as long. you need to practice your speech to your wife. Not because it will improve your delivery, but so you can see how stupid you will look.
Here is a trial script for you.
Honey, I'm older and a bit overweight now, but working out at the gym has really improved my self esteem. I'm so high on myself that I'm going to quit my Job, Divorce you and Shack up with Sally from sales.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


I'm near questioning your validity but I'll play.

I'm 50, married for 26 years and together for 30 with two kids and three grandkids.

During the decades, there have been numerous ladies of varying ages that have crushed on me and a few that I crushed on.

I acted like what I was which was a grown ass married man and I behaved respectably toward all parties. 

Here's a newsflash, this type of thing actually happens often and people who are grown up easily handle it as a matter of regular adulting.

You should not tell this lady how you feel because that would be something akin to a pass or hitting on someone.

Married adults handle being hit on responsibly as well but that hasn't happened in your situation and shouldn't because you know damn well your married and gym lady better know too.

As far as telling your wife..... I have a better idea. Cut off or distance yourself from your gym lady as you are showing a lack of good boundaries and self control. You don't seem to be able to put your thoughts in the right place to continue a healthy relationship with gym lady so you need to distance yourself.

That isn't a slam because I have had a couple of very weird attractions over the years that were instant, very strong and totally irrational. I simply got the hell out of Dodge, so to speak, instead of dancing near the fire.

It sounds like you just aren't enforcing good boundaries here and are allowing , maybe even encouraging, this relationship with gym lady to grow.

Back off and choose your wife more than you have been by investing that energy into her. 

You have been investing too much into gym lady.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You haven't answered what is going on in your marriage...why are you drawn to this other woman, and why aren't you worried about hurting your wife by telling her...??

Is your marriage happy? Have you ever had a "crush" before? Has your wife ever strayed? Are you satisfied with the intimacy and connection you have with your wife? Why isn't your wife working out with you?


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As far as I'm concerned the moment you tell her that you are attracted to her you are officially in an affair.


Good point. Wished that I could bring smile and confidence in her by telling her.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> Why tell your wife? What would that accomplish?


Keep her informed who I am.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You need to start to have wise boundaries in the way you interact with other women.


Good comment. Most of the time when I interact with other women, I can sense a boundary inside me, what exactly say or not to say. But this one I don't know what happened. It's like a spell.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> early 40's divorced F, previously M for 13yrs (20 yrs together) here.
> 
> You could be my exH, this is exactly how his affair started, except it was solely at work. It started as an emotional affair (EA) and progressed because he was flattered by a much younger woman's attention. You're on a destructive path, your actions will determine the outcome. How would you feel if your wife was asking this?
> 
> ...


Insightful comments! Hearing the story of your ex makes me felt a little better because I am not alone. I have no idea how my coworker feels. Yes I think men like me sometimes may need validations from other women. I am not sure if this is a conscious choice or something in our genes/problems in early development. But we still want to be good human beings.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I chose: what's her number.
> I did that so that you would give me her number, and I would call and tell her:
> Hey little hot number there, you know that middle age fool co-worker of yours somehow he got through his feeble mind that he can scores with you. Oh, please, Don't laugh, I'm serious, he actually has the hots for you and is thinking to declare his love to you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your attention and very good intention. I get your point but I felt that I was somewhat shamed by some of the replies here. Yes I deserve it, but nobody deserves it.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> So I have a question for you, Johnny...
> 
> What aren't you getting/asking for at home or missing in you that's making your attention wander?


Another insightful question! I can make a small list but my list of things I treasure at home is much longer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good grief.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Good comment. Most of the time when I interact with other women, I can sense a boundary inside me, what exactly say or not to say._* But this one I don't know what happened. It's like a spell.*_


She maybe skilled at working magic and knows exactly what she is doing. Here is a hint: it isn’t for your good.

A mountain climber ropes himself tighter to the rock the greater his exposure. You need to build all the barriers possible to avoid being dashed on the rocks below.

You havent received any advice here to carry on with this EA. Everyone has told you to run from it, to extricate yourself from the peril you are in. It is your life.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> 60, M, married for 33+ years.
> Let me ask you this -- does SHE know you are married? If so, do you really want a relationship with a woman who WILLFULLY goes after someone else's husband?


She did not express anything that crosses the line. I don't even know how she feels about me. But even when a woman willfully goes after someone else's husband, I won't blame her. Emotions can drive anyone to do crazy things. She is not in a position to honor my marriage, I am.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP,
> 
> You say you are middled age... so you need to start acting like you're middled aged.
> 
> You're acting like a teenager.


Exactly! I always have this inner child that refuses to grow up, always sniffing the residual hormone. I prefer to stay that way for a while. F**k middle age, all of us, f**k it. And no, I've already had my mid life crisis.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I'm near questioning your validity but I'll play.


I should apologize to everyone that I threw in some jokes in the question poll. That's just the silly side of me.
Most of the things you said were so true. I need to read your reply over and over.
Crushes are troubles, but the excitements made us so alive...


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> She maybe skilled at working magic and knows exactly what she is doing. Here is a hint: it isn’t for your good.
> 
> A mountain climber ropes himself tighter to the rock the greater his exposure. You need to build all the barriers possible to avoid being dashed on the rocks below.
> 
> You havent received any advice here to carry on with this EA. Everyone has told you to run from it, to extricate yourself from the peril you are in. It is your life.


Thanks. No, I don't think that this woman is that seasoned. And that's what I like about her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, I'm out.

You've had far more solid replies than you seem to have warranted with your responses.

It's too bad you don't take your situation as seriously as it deserves but it's also a shame you aren't responding to the posts here with the merit we deserve.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> Good comment. Most of the time when I interact with other women, I can sense a boundary inside me, what exactly say or not to say. But this one I don't know what happened. It's like a spell.


That's when you need to run. The Bible says Flee from temptation which is very wise. Get away. Change gyms, have as little contact as is possible at work. No contact outside work at all. Stop fantasising about her at all and be thankful for what you have.
Its just not worth it and what sort of woman would she be if she goes after a married man anyway.

If course she may not be attracted to you at all, it could all be on your side.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> She did not express anything that crosses the line. I don't even know how she feels about me. But even when a woman willfully goes after someone else's husband, I won't blame her. Emotions can drive anyone to do crazy things. She is not in a position to honor my marriage, I am.


She would be equally responsible. You are not available, you are a husband and father. She knows you are married so should keep away. 
You also need to cut off all contact unless you want to loose your wife, home and children.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Well, I'm out.
> 
> You've had far more solid replies than you seem to have warranted with your responses.
> 
> It's too bad you don't take your situation as seriously as it deserves but it's also a shame you aren't responding to the posts here with the merit we deserve.


I hear you. And I do think that you can help a lot of other guys with similar situations.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks for your attention and very good intention. I get your point but* I felt that I was somewhat shamed by some of the replies here.* Yes I deserve it, but nobody deserves it.


No, I was not shaming you, It was a "cheek-in-tongue" imagined dialog with the young woman. I meant it as a comedy of the situation. Normally, in most cases the young woman upon hearing what you have to say about your feelings for her, most likely would be offended and repulsed by the idea of her with an old dude, then again, you never know about those ones with daddy issues (which any man in his right mind would steer away from).


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> No, I was not shaming you, It was a "cheek-in-tongue" imagined dialog with the young woman. I meant it as a comedy of the situation. Normally, in most cases the young woman upon hearing what you have to say about your feelings for her, most likely would be offended and repulsed by the idea of her with an old dude, then again, you never know about those ones with daddy issues (which any man in his right mind would steer away from).


Thanks. I did go through many imaginary scenarios in my head, if I had tell her how I feel about the her. The most convenient (best) scenario is that she felt repulsed, shrug it off, and we all move on.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> No, I was not shaming you, It was a "cheek-in-tongue" imagined dialog with the young woman. I meant it as a comedy of the situation. Normally, in most cases the young woman upon hearing what you have to say about your feelings for her, most likely would be offended and repulsed by the idea of her with an old dude, *then again, you never know about those ones with daddy issues (which any man in his right mind would steer away from).*


Plenty of those unfortunately. We have female relatives who have been chasing 'daddy' their entire life. Because their real dad was a loser. Unfortunately they always manage to find 'men' very much like their real father.

OP doesn't want to run away, but like a moth drawn to a flame seems determined to trash his life. He already said he never grew out of adolescence. Too bad the mental age is lagging the physical age because the penalty for doing kid stuff in middle age is usually very severe. OP saying "f** middle age" changes nothing. Have news for him, old age will be here sooner than he can imagine. If he had two brain cells he would focus on growing the "f" up before ends up spending his "golden" years alone, poor, and forgotten.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Good point. Wished that I could bring smile and confidence in her by telling her.


That is what the fog of your crush tells you will happen. It could also be that she has zero interest in you romantically. You would then have the most awkward coworker relationship. It would never be the same again.



Johnny34 said:


> Keep her informed who I am.


I'm all for open communication, but do you really think it is a good idea to just tell your wife that you have a crush on another woman? You will forever damage your marriage. If that is what you want to accomplish, then go for it.



Johnny34 said:


> Another insightful question! I can make a small list but my list of things I treasure at home is much longer.


Good, you actually value your marriage.



Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I did go through many imaginary scenarios in my head, if I had tell her how I feel about the her. The most convenient (best) scenario is that she felt repulsed, shrug it off, and we all move on.


If she is repulsed do you really think she will just move along as if nothing happened? You have no idea.



Johnny34 said:


> Exactly! I always have this inner child that refuses to grow up, always sniffing the residual hormone. I prefer to stay that way for a while. F**k middle age, all of us, f**k it. And no, I've already had my mid life crisis.


My teenager lives strong inside me, but I'm mature enough to not let it **** up my life, like yours seems to be on the verge of doing. 


It seems like you don't fully recognize the destructive path you are heading down. You indicate that you value your marriage, so you should be taking all steps necessary to protect and preserve it. Step away from this woman and find a way to work on strengthening your connection to your wife instead. Maybe see if she could be your workout partner, at a different gym. 

A few years ago when our kids went to college I decided to work on strengthening my marriage. It was already good, but I wanted to focus on it after all the years of focusing on kids. The result is my wife feels like my crush. Again, work on that connection with your wife and all those teenage feelings can be shared between you and your wife.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Too bad the mental age is lagging the physical age because the penalty for doing kid stuff in middle age is usually very severe.


Quite right!! The problem for a lot of men is that they think with the wrong head upon feasting in sight of the young hot thing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Johnny, how would you feel if your wife was sniffing around some other man at her weekly mahjong game or or daily walks. Would it bother you? If not then, maybe time to reassess your marriage, let your wife be free of you and then chase all the skirt and youNg flesh you want. You are an old fool who is thinking with the wrong head! !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In the end the choice is this. Cheap sex with this person(assuming she is willing) or your marriage and children. Which do you value more? 
Have you cheated before btw?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I am 69 and female and single. You are playing with fire thinking about confessing to a coworker. There is literally no good outcome for this.


I'm 43, female and in a long-term relationship, and I agree with the advice above.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

50 and married 25 years.

I think you need to be single.

You're flat out saying there's nothing wrong with a single woman going after a married man? I call BS on that.

You don't want to give up the thrill of trying to seduce someone? How about trying on your wife?

You want to tell your wife you'd happily screw a single woman. 

You have issues, and I feel for your wife. If you aren't fulfilled being married, don't be married.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Johnny34 said:


> She did not express anything that crosses the line. I don't even know how she feels about me. But even when a woman willfully goes after someone else's husband, I won't blame her. Emotions can drive anyone to do crazy things. She is not in a position to honor my marriage, I am.


Great -- then HONOR your marriage, ok? Emotions CAN drive people to do stupid things, but usually if they have a strong character and are moral, THAT alone will stop them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I did go through many imaginary scenarios in my head, if I had tell her how I feel about the her. The most convenient (best) scenario is that she felt repulsed, shrug it off, and we all move on.


The BEST scenario is actually this: YOU realize that what you are doing is destructive, not only to your wife and marriage, but to yourself. THEN you smack yourself on the head and go "What the hell was I thinking?" and then you move on with YOUR life, marriage, and wife.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


Why in the **** would you put yourself in that situation? Seems idiotic to me. Now you want to double down on that idiocy and tell your coworker about it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Great -- then HONOR your marriage, ok? Emotions CAN drive people to do stupid things, but usually if they have a strong character and are moral, THAT alone will stop them.


Emotions don't just go one way, either. If emotions make you do stupid things, they should be equally capable of feeling empathy for the people you will hurt by indulging your selfishness.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I find it VERY telling that you didn't answer any of my specific questions about your relationship with your wife.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> Insightful comments! Hearing the story of your ex makes me felt a little better because I am not alone. I have no idea how my coworker feels. Yes I think men like me sometimes may need validations from other women. I am not sure if this is a conscious choice or something in our genes/problems in early development. But we still want to be good human beings.


Feel better about a married man who needed external validation and wrecked a 20 y/o relationship? Your words condemn you as a weak man with weak boundaries. At 50, it's past time to grow up.

In fact, your response makes me change mine from therapy to tell your wife, so she can dump you now and save herself years of heartache and move on to someone better.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I did go through many imaginary scenarios in my head, if I had tell her how I feel about the her. The most convenient (best) scenario is that she felt repulsed, shrug it off, and we all move on.


"I did go through many imaginary scenarios in my head".

Sorry, but I can't resist. Was one of them like the scene in Animal House where the girl passes out with her top off and the Angel and devil appear telling Lawrence what to do (in this case telling you what to do)?

Take the Angels advice and don't follow through.

Angel: "I'm proud of you Johnny"🤣


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would love to see if your coworker says, thanks but no thanks!  And I would love to see your wife filing for divorce after you tell her how you feel about your coworker.

I hope your wife has enough self esteem to walk away from you. There's no way I could stay married to someone thinking like you.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Just IMO....I see two issues to consider.

First things first, your relationship with your partner.
Either

You are making it empty of value by having a crush outside. If so, she deserves better, give her the freedom of finding a loyal partner. Divorce
You marriage was already done before your crush. If so, give both of you the freedom of finding love. Divorce.

The other and more individual side of this.
If you become single (and not before) look for the attention, attraction, love of a lady of your own generation.
They use to be wise, passionate, interesting beauty women.
No young girl can compete with them.

So
Become the man that do not need to emulate a teen just cos he feels suddenly older.
Your stronger manhood is ahead and not behind.
As long you live it with an adult passionate dignity.

Best wishes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest you talk to your wife before you do anything else. Crush's can be ephemeral, and if left alone can wither and die without you doing anything. Your wife can help you put it in perspective, or spank your sorry butt into reality. Or, like mine, would ask a lot of questions about the person and circumstances, and give advice on what to do that could help achieve your goal - or let it go.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You said you're middle age, so you know how dumb of an idea it is to have anything other than a professional relationship with a coworker regardless of your marriage status. 

Obviously this the first time a younger hot chick has taken any sort of interest in you.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Al_Bundy said:


> You said you're middle age, so you know how dumb of an idea it is to have anything other than a professional relationship with a coworker regardless of your marriage status.
> 
> Obviously this the first time a younger hot chick has taken any sort of interest in you.


Do you think that she has interest in me? I am not sure if she shows. We were friendly, at least that's how I felt. But I am also in a more seasoned position in the company. I understand she doesn't want to show disrespect.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> I am not sure if she shows. We were friendly, at least that's how I felt. But I am also in a more seasoned position in the company. I understand she doesn't want to show disrespect.


Dude...

This is what you got out of everything?
🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️‍🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

You say you're in a more seasoned position in the company.... I see a sexual harassment complaint in your future my friend. This is going to explode in your face and destroy lives. Wake up before its too late. Is this woman really worth risking your marriage, family, career for?? To quote from "The Equalizer"...."this must be Ferrari p***y"..

Think buddy think!!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Johnny34 said:


> *Do you think that she has interest in me?* I am not sure if she shows. We were friendly, at least that's how I felt. But I am also in a more seasoned position in the company. I understand she doesn't want to show disrespect.


Just stop thinking about if she is interested in you. All that line of thought will do is take you down a dangerous and slippery slope.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm male 50(last week) with my wife 25yrs. Why is your wife not going to the gym with you. You mess with a subordinate and you can tell wife why you were fired.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you are foolish enough to pursue this you will lose your marriage & you may face sexual harassment charges at work. This woman is your subordinate. 

DON'T do this. Change gyms immediately. Never be alone with her. Only discuss work not other subjects, even small talk. Do not text her, email her or call her outside of work hours. 

You are on the verge of ruining your whole life & dragging your family along for the awful ride.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> I suggest you talk to your wife before you do anything else. Crush's can be ephemeral, and if left alone can wither and die without you doing anything. Your wife can help you put it in perspective, or spank your sorry butt into reality. Or, like mine, would ask a lot of questions about the person and circumstances, and give advice on what to do that could help achieve your goal - or let it go.


You have such a constructive relationship with your wife. That's what I want to work on...


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> In the end the choice is this. Cheap sex with this person(assuming she is willing) or your marriage and children. Which do you value more?
> Have you cheated before btw?


No I have not cheated in my marriage. I cheated my ex-girl friend once early during my early dating life. She was deeply religious and refuse to have any pre-marital sexual contact. I was so frustrated I got intimate with another woman. Then I immediately regret and promise myself not to do it again. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe "twice a cheater, always a cheater". You gotta give them one chance to correct, but only one.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Just stop thinking about if she is interested in you. All that line of thought will do is take you down a dangerous and slippery slope.


He is determined to ruin his life. When someone is set on self-destruction, best to just let them hit the wall,


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Wow. You want a wife that will encourage you to pursue a crush. Wow. You have a pretty warped view of marriage, but best of luck. Why don' t you want to focus on your wife? Why have you never mentioned word one about her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> No I have not cheated in my marriage. I cheated my ex-girl friend once early during my early dating life. She was deeply religious and refuse to have any pre-marital sexual contact. I was so frustrated I got intimate with another woman. Then I immediately regret and promise myself not to do it again. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe "twice a cheater, always a cheater". You gotta give them one chance to correct, but only one.


You think your wife feels the same about getting one chance at cheating? Go ahead, roll the dice and destroy the lives a multiple people. 

You sound very foolish. I find it hard to believe you are a 50 year old man. What is it you want? Do you want to remain happily married to your wife? Do you want to leave? Do you want to lie and sneak around behind your wife's back? Do you want to open your marriage and bring in the unexpecting coworker? What do you want to do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Dude...
> 
> This is what you got out of everything?
> 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️‍🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍


Don't feed the squirrels folks


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> Do you think that she has interest in me? I am not sure if she shows. We were friendly, at least that's how I felt. But I am also in a more seasoned position in the company. I understand she doesn't want to show disrespect.


I can't believe that this is what you got out of all the advice given to you! If an older dude at my work told me that he had feelings for me, I'd be seriously creeped out, enough to go to my manager and file a complaint. Knowing my manager pretty well, he wouldn't think twice of going to bat for me, and old dude would probably be without a job.

My new advice for you: talk to the girl, tell her your feelings. Talk to your wife, tell her of your feelings for the girl. See how things unfold.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ursula said:


> I can't believe that this is what you got out of all the advice given to you! *If an older dude at my work told me that he had feelings for me, I'd be seriously creeped out, enough to go to my manager and file a complaint. Knowing my manager pretty well, he wouldn't think twice of going to bat for me, and old dude would probably be without a job.*
> 
> My new advice for you: talk to the girl, tell her your feelings. Talk to your wife, tell her of your feelings for the girl. See how things unfold.


Most people would file a complaint regardless of the perps age. We had a 37 year-old MARRIED FEMALE manager fired because of complaints from young new hires that she has touching / groping them in inappropriate ways. Work has ennough pressure without adding in having to dodge sexual attention from coworkers. And companies will not tolerate this stuff anymore.

OP obviously hasnt followed cases of many famous people fired/sued/jailed for this stuff in recent years.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

it’s not cheating if it’s in a different zip code.  

but seriously, to me, it’s ok to look, but not ok to touch.

trust me, if you continue your path, and if the situation allows, you will start touching. So don’t. Get out of the situation. Change the time that you work out. Work out with different routine.

a thing with a coworker is a complain away to ruin everything, job, reputation, family.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Most people would file a complaint regardless of the perps age. We had a 37 year-old MARRIED FEMALE manager fired because of complaints from young new hires that she has touching / groping them in inappropriate ways. Work has ennough pressure without adding in having to dodge sexual attention from coworkers. And companies will not tolerate this stuff anymore.
> 
> OP obviously hasnt followed cases of many famous people fired/sued/jailed for this stuff in recent years.


This is true. When I was in my early 20s, a 19 year old guy at the company we both worked for hit on me constantly: perched on my desk for hours, asked me out numerous times (I said "no" every time). I went to my manager who was also the company VP. Young dude wasn't fired, but he was heavily supervised for a long time after that. My/our boss was on him constantly. As soon as he approached my desk our boss was like a sheepdog, herding dude away!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Johnny34 said:


> *No I have not cheated in my marriage*. *I cheated my ex-girl friend once early during my early dating life*. She was deeply religious and *refuse to have any pre-marital sexual contact. I was so frustrated I got intimate with another woman*. *Then I immediately regret and promise myself not to do it again*. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe "twice a cheater, always a cheater". You gotta give them one chance to correct, but only one.


Johnny34,

Take a moment and look closely at what you wrote. I agree based on what I have seen that serial cheaters either have a character defect or have conditioned themself through multiple affairs to not care after so many affairs. In conditioning each multiple actions makes the next action much more natural.

You did something early in your life that made you feel bad about yourself and learned from that experience. That is what growth and maturity are all about. Congratulations.

As a result and because you learned something *you made yourself a "promise...to not do it (cheat) again."* Good for you!

Now site down, look in a mirror and ask yourself if you are *exploring in your own mind to break that promise you made to yourself all those years ago?* You other words in this thread sure seem to imply that you want to lie to yourself, your wife and others about being sexually faithful.

Maybe it is time to put the crush behind you since you have not turned it yet into a real full-blown affair. Maybe it is time to focus you mind on your promise to yourself, your vows to your wife and working on building your relationship and intimacy with your wife.

The power of affirmation and visualization is incredibly strong. Use that to help change yourself. Start to write about how much you love your wife, how much you want to build your relationship with her. Then tell her how much you love her and how important she is to you. Say those affirmations of love to your wife to help you loose your current mental focus about the girl in they gym who is a coworker. You have the power to change yourself, use it.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> No I have not cheated in my marriage. I cheated my ex-girl friend once early during my early dating life. She was deeply religious and refuse to have any pre-marital sexual contact. I was so frustrated I got intimate with another woman. Then I immediately regret and promise myself not to do it again. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe "twice a cheater, always a cheater". You gotta give them one chance to correct, but only one.


Yet you are heading towards cheating again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I can't believe that this is what you got out of all the advice given to you! If an older dude at my work told me that he had feelings for me, I'd be seriously creeped out, enough to go to my manager and file a complaint. Knowing my manager pretty well, he wouldn't think twice of going to bat for me, and old dude would probably be without a job.
> 
> My new advice for you: talk to the girl, tell her your feelings. Talk to your wife, tell her of your feelings for the girl. See how things unfold.


Hey baby!🤣 Sorry, I couldn't resist.😆


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"married, but have a crush on someone else" is a pretty obvious indication that the romance and the sex in your existing marriage is not up to snuff.

Maybe she is ok with it, but you are not ok with the level and frequency of the romance and the sex. Maybe your wife is sex starved too, as you are not pushing her buttons, and is looking for a mate outside the marriage?

Dude, before you go messing around with another woman, how about seriously trying to up the frequency and quality of the romance and sex in your current marriage. It really is easier to improve your current marriage, than trying to lead a double sex life with this other person. Just give it a go, see if you can rekindle the spark!


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## pippo (12 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> "married, but have a crush on someone else" is a pretty obvious indication that the romance and the sex in your existing marriage is not up to snuff.
> 
> Maybe she is ok with it, but you are not ok with the level and frequency of the romance and the sex. Maybe your wife is sex starved too, as you are not pushing her buttons, and is looking for a mate outside the marriage?
> 
> Dude, before you go messing around with another woman, how about seriously trying to up the frequency and quality of the romance and sex in your current marriage. It really is easier to improve your current marriage, than trying to lead a double sex life with this other person. Just give it a go, see if you can rekindle the spark!


I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.

Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


Turn toward wife, tell her about crush. You are wanting something
Ask your wife tell her what you need.
Do it right


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Ursula said:


> See how things unfold.


I want to be a fly on the wall!


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

pippo said:


> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


You can love as many people as you want. It depends if your partner wants to have a third or fourth person in the relationship as well. 

I don't want to share my husband. If he wants to have another woman by his side, the door is open, he can leave any time. Choosing monogamy is not evil either.


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## Sad! (Jan 8, 2022)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


You're playing with fire..if you/wife are having problems..you guys need to talk..


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't want to share my husband. If he wants to have another woman by his side, the door is open, he can leave any time. Choosing monogamy is not evil either.


Sometimes I wonder if people who wouldn't choose monogamy assume that when people do make that choice, it's because one person is being selfish. I think it's about perspective, they don't realize that it's possible that someone, men particularly, would want to be monogamous. I mean, I can't make windows into anyone's soul, but my husband has never indicated he wanted to open our marriage. Apparently I'm causing him great suffering by not "being confident" enough to let him sleep with other people, when in truth, if he wants to sleep with other people he can. I won't even try to stop him, I won't try to talk him out of it. I aged, it's not either of our faults, when he wants someone younger he can go at any time. He's not trapped, any more than your husband is. They act like we're these controlling monsters when in reality, it was, at least when I was younger, a mutual choice.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


Sorry I've been busy and not being able to respond to the replies. Allow me to drop a few quick lines here. I agree with you. I think intimacy is in an inverse relationship to attraction. The longer a couple is together, the more trust and intimacy they develop; but the less attraction they retain. Keeping a "healthy distance" may provide a solution.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Sorry I've been busy and not being able to respond to the replies. Allow me to drop a few quick lines here. I agree with you. I think intimacy is in an inverse relationship to attraction. The longer a couple is together, the more trust and intimacy they develop; but the less attraction they retain. Keeping a "healthy distance" may provide a solution.


If you're looking to constantly retain that "newness" forever, you need to divorce and not marry again, or marry someone who doesn't want an exclusive relationship. It's unfair to waste years of someone's life only to say "Oh you're boring to me now, I need to sleep with other people but I want you to stay here alone while I go have adventures." That isn't fair to her. You've already wasted years of her life on a lie, the manly thing to do is tell her the truth and move on. She doesn't deserve to be with someone who is so miserable and just wants to cheat constantly.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


 What you're describing here is not love.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if people who wouldn't choose monogamy assume that when people do make that choice, it's because one person is being selfish. I think it's about perspective, they don't realize that it's possible that someone, men particularly, would want to be monogamous. I mean, I can't make windows into anyone's soul, but my husband has never indicated he wanted to open our marriage. Apparently I'm causing him great suffering by not "being confident" enough to let him sleep with other people, when in truth, if he wants to sleep with other people he can. I won't even try to stop him, I won't try to talk him out of it. I aged, it's not either of our faults, when he wants someone younger he can go at any time. He's not trapped, any more than your husband is. They act like we're these controlling monsters when in reality, it was, at least when I was younger, a mutual choice.


My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What you're describing here is not love.


It's intimacy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


What an absolute load of garbage. So basically, it's just jealous catty females, right? You're quite a piece of work. You are why I warn women against staying at home and not working. This is the result of handing control of your life over to a selfish person who only cares about the next thrill Once again, you need to divorce your wife. You don't love her. You view your whole marriage as a sacrifice. I feel so bad for her. I wish I could show her this thread. If you want to salvage any shred of decency, leave her now. Tonight. Go to the young girl, get a divorce and spend your life "spreading your seed." Your poor wife has sacrificed her youth and years of her life, she has lost enough.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> It's intimacy.


No. It's lust. Neither of you have any interest in "loving" another person. You want to have sex with someone new. Go, do it. Leave your wife, staying with her is cruel.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Johnny34 said:


> The longer a couple is together, the more trust and intimacy they develop; but the less attraction they retain. Keeping a "healthy distance" may provide a solution.


I think you are not into your wife anymore. 

You see her as a friend but not as a lover. 

If she agrees to you having a girlfriend the issue is solved. But if she doesn't? What are you going to do?


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What an absolute load of garbage. So basically, it's just jealous catty females, right? You're quite a piece of work. You are why I warn women against staying at home and not working. This is the result of handing control of your life over to a selfish person who only cares about the next thrill Once again, you need to divorce your wife. You don't love her. You view your whole marriage as a sacrifice. I feel so bad for her. I wish I could show her this thread. If you want to salvage any shred of decency, leave her now. Tonight. Go to the young girl, get a divorce and spend your life "spreading your seed." Your poor wife has sacrificed her youth and years of her life, she has lost enough.


I can see why you feel this way. Sorry this irritated you. When I said “sacrifice” I was only referring to the sexual attraction part, not life and family as a whole. Overall my marriage gave me so much that’s why I described it as “fortunate” in the original post.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> I can see why you feel this way. Sorry this irritated you. When I said “sacrifice” I was only referring to the sexual attraction part, not life and family as a whole. Overall my marriage gave me so much that’s why I described it as “fortunate” in the original post.


Then reward your wife for HER years of sacrifice and let her go. You're not doing her any favors by staying. You're unhappy, she's unhappy. You realize she knows you're repulsed by her physically? Women have this thing called empathy, where we are really in tune to what others are feeling. She knows you think she's ugly. She knows you don't want her. It's mean to keep torturing her. Do the right thing for everyone and move on.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.


Six positions! C'mon are you joking?

Having looked at a sex position website with 490 different positions listed, my wife and I (monogamous through over 25 years of being together) have done 123 (and still do many of those positions) of their 490 that they list.

Of which they didn't show a range of the sex positions that we share, so it certainly isn't an exhaustive resource. Yet we've managed to maintain with no effort, a tremendously rich and varied sex life together, with much more than just sex position variety to afford different pleasures.

The problem is boring people, being boring, make for boring sex lives. Regardless of whether they're monogamous, non-monogamous or any other expression otherwise.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Personal said:


> Six positions! C'mon are you joking?
> 
> Having looked at a sex position website with 490 different positions listed, my wife and I (monogamous through over 25 years of being together) have done 123 (and still do many of those positions) of their 490 that they list.
> 
> ...


They're not interested in trying, to be honest. They want "new" people.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...




I’m a 31 year old married woman and I would find this extremely disrespectful.. you have feelings for someone else the first person you speak to is your wife she deserves that.. before your coworker.. it’s going to hurt your wife be prepared for that.. does the coworker feel the same? Has she expressed that to you? Are you ready to leave your wife? You can not have a deep connection with said coworker and also still be loyal to your wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


Wow what nonsense you talk. There is no one happier than a man in a happy committed marriage with a woman who loves him. I know quite a few like that and they aren't sacrificing a thing. They are like the cat who got the cream believe me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> They're not interested in trying, to be honest. They want "new" people.


Yes. Committment, keeping promises made, faithfulness and acting with integrity are so 'boring' these days aren't they. At least to some.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


There is something lacking in you if you can only think of 6 positions. Sex doesn't have to wane, it's up to you and your partner. It should get more meaningful as the love grows stronger. More precious.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> There is no one happier than a man in a happy committed marriage with a woman who loves him. I know quite a few like that and they aren't sacrificing a thing. *They are like the cat who got the cream believe me.*


Raising my hand! 

Somehow this thread morphed from what I thought from the OP was a situation where an old guy had become infatuated with a younger female coworker. Middle-aged crazies is what we always called it. So, a lot of advice was focused toward trying to help the OP avoid destroying his (and his family's ) life by doing stupid stuff. 

Evidently the OP is "bored" with is spouse of many years. I would imagine if he is bored she must be as well. So since he really isn't interested in remaining faithful, my advice would change to Divorce and go live the single life he evidently craves. It is the ethical thing to do. But good luck as a 50 year-old with that. He won't realize what he lost until it is gone.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


Not all of us share your assumptions.



pastasauce79 said:


> I don't want to share my husband. If he wants to have another woman by his side, the door is open, he can leave any time. Choosing monogamy is not evil either.


Agree with you



Johnny34 said:


> Sorry I've been busy and not being able to respond to the replies. Allow me to drop a few quick lines here. I agree with you. I think intimacy is in an inverse relationship to attraction. The longer a couple is together, the more trust and intimacy they develop; but the less attraction they retain. Keeping a "healthy distance" may provide a solution.


Not necessarily true.



TexasMom1216 said:


> What you're describing here is not love.


You are right



Johnny34 said:


> My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


"I just think this is what the world is"
" I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different. " 

The first assertion is biased. The second one is only sad.



Johnny34 said:


> It's intimacy.


It´s not.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. It's lust.


Not even the precious glory of lusting each other each day along years between two in love.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


Not the case, totally untrue. I've been with my wife almost 35 years, married nearly 32. There is nothing monotonous with our sex life and I know we are doing more frequently than just about any point in our marriage. It only gets that way if you let it.

BTW, there are only 3 positions, everything else is a variation of those 3. It was only a couple weeks ago that we discovered a new(to us) variation of one of those positions. I find nothing boring about our sex life.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not the case, totally untrue. I've been with my wife almost 35 years, married nearly 32. There is nothing monotonous with our sex life and I know we are doing more frequently than just about any point in our marriage. It only gets that way if you let it.
> 
> BTW, there are only positions, everything else is a variation of those 3. It was only a couple weeks ago that we discovered a new(to us) variation of one of those positions. I find nothing boring about our sex life.


+1 to this we’re doing more stuff than we ever have and we have been married nearly 25. Sometimes I pause and reflect on this with great satisfaction.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Sorry I've been busy and not being able to respond to the replies. Allow me to drop a few quick lines here. I agree with you. I think intimacy is in an inverse relationship to attraction. The longer a couple is together, the more trust and intimacy they develop; but the less attraction they retain. Keeping a "healthy distance" may provide a solution.


This is false too. I just can't believe that me and my marriage are some unique unicorn marriage. Our intimacy AND attraction are as stronger or stronger than it ever has been. One doesn't push aside the other. I will agree that both spouses need to have their own time to do their own thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> +1 to this we’re doing more stuff than we ever have and we have been married nearly 25. Sometimes I pause and reflect on this with great satisfaction.


You and me both brother. Satisfaction with your marriage and your sex life is a great feeling.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

From a woman's perspective, a guy who is harboring a lustful attraction - who reveals to the woman he is lusting after that he wants her - can be a really creepy experience for the woman. Women are hit on so much by unwelcome advances and when a (married) guy who steps up and advances the attraction, it's truly uncomfortable. The lust is in HIS head but not hers. It's just so weird when this happens. I had it happen to me so many times in my life, I lost count. Believe me, if she wanted you, she would make the first move. You wouldn't be pondering it. The only thing I can imagine it might be that is happening to you - is that it's the testosterone talking - telling you a false story about how you might be able to have her sexually - driving your lust into imaginary scenarios.

If you would turn that attraction back onto your wife, you would see a drastic change in your primary relationship. I'm just pointing out that single women or women in other primary relationships are largely turned off when some guy they are seeing "around" at places they regularly frequent - reveals he has the hots for her. And the wife at home who isn't getting the attention she deserves is going to sustain a great deal of trust damage over this. That damage may not - and may likely not - be reversible. 

It takes a huge amount of effort to corral your lust. You may or may not succeed in doing this. It takes EFFORT and looking within yourself. But if you step forward and make a play for another woman while you are married to another, the fallout is huge. That may be the direction you decide to take. Boy, howdy, the consequences are a wakeup call I hope you are prepared to take. I have had a saying for myself in my life about sex: "Once the sex is over, you have to deal with the PERSON (you've had sex with)." Are you prepared to do that?

Now, if a person is poly or makes an honest agreement with a married partner to have an open marriage, that's a whole other discussion. I just want to be clear that my opinion isn't coming from prudishness or lack of sexual freedom - it's about dishonesty and sneaking around. Open marriage people who are (somewhat) successful - are openly honest - but cheaters are not. It's the dishonesty that causes the damage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

happiness27 said:


> From a woman's perspective, a guy who is harboring a lustful attraction - who reveals to the woman he is lusting after that he wants her - can be a really creepy experience for the woman. Women are hit on so much by unwelcome advances and when a (married) guy who steps up and advances the attraction, it's truly uncomfortable. The lust is in HIS head but not hers. It's just so weird when this happens. I had it happen to me so many times in my life, I lost count. Believe me, if she wanted you, she would make the first move. You wouldn't be pondering it. The only thing I can imagine it might be that is happening to you - is that it's the testosterone talking - telling you a false story about how you might be able to have her sexually - driving your lust into imaginary scenarios.
> 
> If you would turn that attraction back onto your wife, you would see a drastic change in your primary relationship. I'm just pointing out that single women or women in other primary relationships are largely turned off when some guy they are seeing "around" at places they regularly frequent - reveals he has the hots for her. And the wife at home who isn't getting the attention she deserves is going to sustain a great deal of trust damage over this. That damage may not - and may likely not - be reversible.
> 
> ...


No to brag (well maybe a little) my 24 yo daughter is a beautiful, long blonde haired woman. She is still in college, but works part time at a very busy convenience store. She gets hit on all the time, in spite of wearing a engagement ring. She is polite to them, but she said it always creeps her out a little. It is even worse when it is a regular and now there is this awkwardness every time they come in. 

Great advice her too. Take that lust you feel and direct it at your wife and see what happens.


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


Ok first 45 male married 15 years, I would say if your spending a lot of time with this woman you may want to look at why? Why are you not at home with your family? Are you planning on leaving your family if this woman is willing to take you? Is this woman ready to become “stepmom“ to your children you “stepdad” to hers?
Are you ready for the pain you cause each and everyone of the parties involve? Now if your this unhappy in your marriage that you want to pursue this woman then maybe you should leave your wife and family before going after this other party. This way you are not the cheating husband/father and maybe you will be able to salvage a relationship with both your ex wife and children. Just don’t start something new until the old is completely done.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel we need to remember that some men will go after other women regardless of the condition of their marriage. 
I had a friend I used to baby sit for a lot. She was slim, attractive, they both had good jobs, 2 lovely children. A good marriage. 
A lady at his work made a play for him and he didn't put up a fight. He even told my friend that it was nothing wrong in her or the marriage but the opportunity came up and he took it. The OW got pregnant, his marriage ended, his relationship with the OW ended and he ended up paying maintenance for 3 children. 
I honestly felt like banging his head against a brick wall for what he put them through.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I feel we need to remember that some men will go after other women regardless of the condition of their marriage.


....some *people*..._both men and women._


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElOtro said:


> ....some *people*..._both men and women._


True but it's usually the men whose make fools of themselves by chasing women their children's ages.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> True but it's usually the men whose make fools of themselves by chasing women their children's ages.


This was once certainly true. 
You may need an update.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I feel we need to remember that some men will go after other women regardless of the condition of their marriage.


I would say ANY man ( or woman ) has the capacity within them to "go after others". Given a particular set of circumstances, temptation, upbringing, personal psychology ( "I have a right to be happy" or "I am not hurting anyone" ) combined with society's messages ( "if it feels good do it", or "everyone is doing it" or ...) ANYONE can descend to depths they never thought they would. 

If we are intent on satisfying our own desires without regard to anyone else's feelings ( the "Me" generation ), and are on out own path, there is no limit to how far off of the right track we can go.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I would like to hear from the OP what he has decided to do going forward. He has received a lot of different views on his "problem", and the poll results are in. So, OP what will it be? How are you going to pursue your life going forward? 

And, why did you make your choice(s)? What decision process, besides this thread's responses did you use?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElOtro said:


> This was once certainly true.
> You may need an update.


It still happens.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I would say ANY man ( or woman ) has the capacity within them to "go after others". Given a particular set of circumstances, temptation, upbringing, personal psychology ( "I have a right to be happy" or "I am not hurting anyone" ) combined with society's messages ( "if it feels good do it", or "everyone is doing it" or ...) ANYONE can descend to depths they never thought they would.
> 
> If we are intent on satisfying our own desires without regard to anyone else's feelings ( the "Me" generation ), and are on out own path, there is no limit to how far off of the right track we can go.


I think that's why wise boundaries with the opposite sex are so important.


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## pippo (12 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Six positions! C'mon are you joking?
> 
> Having looked at a sex position website with 490 different positions listed, my wife and I (monogamous through over 25 years of being together) have done 123 (and still do many of those positions) of their 490 that they list.
> 
> ...


490?? Now thats evidence that we truly are mostly bonobos (96% of our genes are identical)!!! Thanks for helping me make my point!! I know I wasted $125 on that marriage counselor, offering just 7 positions.


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## pippo (12 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not the case, totally untrue. I've been with my wife almost 35 years, married nearly 32. There is nothing monotonous with our sex life and I know we are doing more frequently than just about any point in our marriage. It only gets that way if you let it.
> 
> BTW, there are only 3 positions, everything else is a variation of those 3. It was only a couple weeks ago that we discovered a new(to us) variation of one of those positions. I find nothing boring about our sex life.


You say "totally untrue"? That is a profound statement. Daddy. So, statistically, you are rejecting a Univ of Colorado study where 20% of married men have had to find sex outside marriage, representing about 62 million American couples today. Thats about 1.2 million men "cheating" to seek a more exciting sex life. Now that group does not include me, but for you to declare my statements about "boring marriage sex life" is "totally untrue" has no credibility. Where do you get your data, Daddy?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pippo said:


> You say "totally untrue"? That is a profound statement. Daddy. So, statistically, you are rejecting a Univ of Colorado study where 20% of married men have had to find sex outside marriage, representing about 62 million American couples today. Thats about 1.2 million men "cheating" to seek a more exciting sex life. Now that group does not include me, but for you to declare my statements about "boring marriage sex life" is "totally untrue" has no credibility. Where do you get your data, Daddy?


Most men(and women) who cheat are just liars and have no integrity. They do not HAVE to find sex outside marriage, they choose to.


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## pippo (12 mo ago)

ElOtro said:


> Not all of us share your assumptions.


 I take that reply meaning you believe loving another person (outside a marriage contract) is evil. (evil may include other abominable emotions such as despicable, repulsive, abominable, shameful, contemptable, etc). Then by default, you support the idea that "forsaking and abandoning all others" is more of what our suffering world needs more of. That there is room to love only one person, no others, as after that love runs out.


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## pippo (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Most men(and women) who cheat are just liars and have no integrity. They do not HAVE to find sex outside marriage, they choose to.


:Cheating is a made up word, promoted mostly by Religious leaders, designed to shame a partner in marriage. It a supports the narrative to which we have been weaned on since we were children. Marriage "contracts"(thats what they are, a verbal contract), and so unnatural to H. Sapiens. Only 5% of all animals are monogamous. No other ape is monogamous. We are a freak with a Religious conscript of marriage. If you truly love someone, you dont need to make any promises. Love needs NO promise. And no hideous contract either.

Yes I agree, "cheating" is deceptive, and I do not support that. Do not blame /shame people who are "pushed" by their biological DNA to find sex elsewhere. Lets stop shaming people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pippo said:


> :Cheating is a made up word, promoted mostly by Religious leaders, designed to shame a partner in marriage. It a supports the narrative to which we have been weaned on since we were children. Marriage "contracts"(thats what they are, a verbal contract), and so unnatural to H. Sapiens. Only 5% of all animals are monogamous. No other ape is monogamous. We are a freak with a Religious conscript of marriage. If you truly love someone, you dont need to make any promises. Love needs NO promise. And no hideous contract either.
> 
> Yes I agree, "cheating" is deceptive, and I do not support that. Do not blame /shame people who are "pushed" by their biological DNA to find sex elsewhere. Lets stop shaming people.


The word cheater is nothing do do with religious leaders. No one is forced by any biological dna and to cheat on the spouse they promised to be faithful to. Cheating is obnoxious. A cheater should be shamed, they are acting terribly. 
Monogamy isn't unnatural, its a choice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

pippo said:


> You say "totally untrue"? That is a profound statement. Daddy. So, statistically, you are rejecting a Univ of Colorado study where 20% of married men have had to find sex outside marriage, representing about 62 million American couples today. Thats about 1.2 million men "cheating" to seek a more exciting sex life. Now that group does not include me, but for you to declare my statements about "boring marriage sex life" is "totally untrue" has no credibility. Where do you get your data, Daddy?


How do you know their motivation? I know what the infidelity rates are, but there are no statistics on why. Just because they committed infidelity doesn't mean they were bored in the bedroom. Maybe some were, but it is a bold statement that they all are. Not to mention, in the post I responded to you said it in a way that indicated ALL married people get bored and sex becomes monotonous. How does that align with only 20% committing infidelity?



pippo said:


> :Cheating is a made up word, promoted mostly by Religious leaders, designed to shame a partner in marriage. It a supports the narrative to which we have been weaned on since we were children. Marriage "contracts"(thats what they are, a verbal contract), and so unnatural to H. Sapiens. Only 5% of all animals are monogamous. No other ape is monogamous. We are a freak with a Religious conscript of marriage. If you truly love someone, you dont need to make any promises. Love needs NO promise. And no hideous contract either.
> 
> Yes I agree, "cheating" is deceptive, and I do not support that. Do not blame /shame people who are "pushed" by their biological DNA to find sex elsewhere. Lets stop shaming people.


It is cheating if you gave your word to your spouse that you would not have sex with anyone else. And we are not apes. Maybe you are and you will cave to all of your animalistic urges, but don't think that everyone feels as you do.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It still happens.


Once more, true.
What is also happening is the trend that is closing the gap between genders.
So, sadly, is not that men are becoming better. 
Is that women are increasingly doing it, in their own ways, not always identical but conceptually the same. 
The old "paradigm" of most of men cheating on women, mostly loyal ones, is now at least dubious.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

...


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

pippo said:


> I take that reply meaning you believe loving another person (outside a marriage contract) is evil. (evil may include other abominable emotions such as despicable, repulsive, abominable, shameful, contemptable, etc). Then by default, you support the idea that "forsaking and abandoning all others" is more of what our suffering world needs more of. That there is room to love only one person, no others, as after that love runs out.


Once more, you are assuming out of your knowledge scope.
Let´s examine this.

*"I take that reply meaning you believe loving another person (outside a marriage contract) is evil. (evil may include other abominable emotions such as despicable, repulsive, abominable, shameful, contemptable, etc). "*

_No, that´s not what I believe._
I find non monogamy,_ when ethical_, a respectable choice._ Not the one I would choose_, but not necessarily evil by itself and _for others that do it openly and fair_.
Of course, I can´t extend such respect to betrayal and neither to some "philosophic" preferences that are compatible with wayward thinking and it´s sometimes indirect approval.

*"Then by default, you support the idea that "forsaking and abandoning all others" is more of what our suffering world needs more of....That there is room to love only one person, no others,... "*

_No, that´s not what I think ALL should and must do._
That´s the choice of some of us whose frame is the loving couple with monogamy as ressult.
And_ not_ something that should be forced at all to the ones whose main emotional frame is another one.
Anyhow, I do not find good reassons (sorry, neither your arguments) to change my own personal prefference for monogamy between two in love.

*" ...as after that love runs out."*

This, the above, _may_ happen both in monogamous and open relationships.
The idea (sometimes naturalized as if it was a law of nature) that it will _necessarily_ happen is at it´s best, a self accomplished prophecy.

Besides ir seems we are using the same word love for different meanings.
Not a bad thing, but it may lead to some confussions.
As a small example, your assumptions on what my opinions are, as you may see now.

Best wishes.
*

*


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Do you think it's that people are cheating more, or that we are talking about it more? I often wonder, because in the 50s women were kept at home isolated all the time but there were jokes about the mailman and the milkman. Could it be that it was a kind of open secret back then and it was impolite to discuss it and now we just spill our purses all over the internet and talk about everything? Lots of the boundaries of politeness have come down in the last 50 years. Do we really believe human nature has changed that much in so short a time?


I have an opinion about. 
But it would take something near an essay to answer to you in significative terms.
AND it also may become a TJ from my side.
I find that your above reflections, lucid ones, (and other related) deserve a wider consideration and debate.
So I invite you to make it an autonomous thread. 
I would certainly and gladly participate in and support it.

Best wishes, lady.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> I have an opinion about.
> But it would take something near an essay to answer to you in significative terms.
> AND it also may become a TJ from my side.
> I find that your above reflections, lucid ones, (and other related) deserve a wider consideration and debate.
> ...


I better not. But you should and I will participate. I'm very interested as well.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I better not. But you should and I will participate. I'm very interested as well.


I will.
Indulge please a day or two for doing it.
Thank you!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

pippo said:


> I agree with most of the above, but the vast majority of sex in monogamy is monotonous, Thats why they call it manotomy. Routine, boring sex. Love grows, but sex wanes. Max, you develop say, 6 sex positions.Then what?? Oh, the "therapists" suggest "try different rooms". Wow, how profound. We just paid $125 /hour for that advice. Sorry, life is not always so exciting. We endure. ironically, while love grows.
> 
> Unfortunately, in our taboo ridden society, wanting to love another person is so evil.


Well, @Personal , one of the sex ninjas on this site, has already tried to educate you but I will add my points as well.

I've been with my wife for just over 30 years and we are into our 27th year of marriage.

We have children and grandchildren and still have a remarkable amount of straight up lust for each other on top of continually growing love.

Our sex life is pretty much better than a goddamned romance novel and certainly more satisfying.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Johnny34 said:


> My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


You been listening to retards.

Never...... Go......Full......Retard!!!


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I've been with my wife for just over 30 years and we are into our 27th year of marriage.
> 
> We have children and grandchildren and still have a remarkable amount of straight up lust for each other on top of continually growing love.
> 
> Our sex life is pretty much better than a goddamned romance novel and certainly more satisfying.😉


Standing applauses


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Do you think it's that people are cheating more, or that we are talking about it more? I often wonder, because in the 50s women were kept at home isolated all the time but there were jokes about the mailman and the milkman. Could it be that it was a kind of open secret back then and it was impolite to discuss it and now we just spill our purses all over the internet and talk about everything? Lots of the boundaries of politeness have come down in the last 50 years. Do we really believe human nature has changed that much in so short a time?


I believe it was as prevalent in the 50s. Peyton Place had some basis irl. The internet and SM just enables more chatter. In the town I grew up in the affairs going on were pretty common knowledge. Heck there was even wife swapping going on six decades ago. I suspect it was going on sixty decades ago. FWIW there isnt anything reslly new in human sexual behavior in the last several thousand years.


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## Slowhand (Oct 8, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


Do unto your wife as you would have your wife do unto you. It's just that simple! Oh, I am 72 and married for 50 years!


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Okay here is my update:

Please be reminded that I was only asking whether I should share my feelings with my crush, not whether I should initiate a relationship with her, or have a soul discussion with my wife. After seeing all the responses here, my answer is No. 

You guys better know what you were talking about, or I will regret.

I admit I lost boundary in my head. I am building it right now. It's helping I already felt quite relieved. I am not afraid to see her in the hallway anymore. We continue to workout together. Jimhardc asked me why I spent this much time with her while I could have spent the same amount with my family. Because the workout is effective, nothing personal or emotional, like a business project in the company. This week we continued to refine our partner workout dynamics to benefit our exercise goals. It is also inspiring to workout with a young person of the opposite gender. I am afraid that soon I will be in a physical shape which will get me into more troubles with other ladies (just kidding! but partially...).

I still plan to confess to my wife in the near future. Knowing her I think she will likely feel uncomfortable. In that case I will need to switch Gym. In preparing for this I am starting to see if I can recruit other people to join our workout group, so that when I leave, Maggie will not need to workout alone. 

I may give an update in 2-3 months, in case some of you may wonder. But for now I will refrain from responding further to this thread.

A couple of weeks ago at the height of my emotions I did write a letter addressed to Maggie. I was hoping that I could show it to her some time in the future, to add more confidence about herself. For now I think I will just put it in a small plastic bottle and toss it in the creek. Let it go where it goes, where it belongs.

I received many responses in this thread. Some of them I felt quite attentive; some of them have strong opinions against me. Either way I appreciate. Because you were walking along with me, at a time that I felt so trapped and no one to talk to. Love and helping hands come in many forms, that we can give to each other. That's what makes our world beautiful. For this, I thank you!


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Jimhardc said:


> Ok first 45 male married 15 years, I would say if your spending a lot of time with this woman you may want to look at why? Why are you not at home with your family? Are you planning on leaving your family if this woman is willing to take you? Is this woman ready to become “stepmom“ to your children you “stepdad” to hers?
> Are you ready for the pain you cause each and everyone of the parties involve? Now if your this unhappy in your marriage that you want to pursue this woman then maybe you should leave your wife and family before going after this other party. This way you are not the cheating husband/father and maybe you will be able to salvage a relationship with both your ex wife and children. Just don’t start something new until the old is completely done.


Thanks. Please see my update in post #147.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> Okay here is my update:
> 
> Please be reminded that I was only asking whether I should share my feelings with my crush, not whether I should initiate a relationship with her, or have a soul discussion with my wife. After seeing all the responses here, my answer is No.
> 
> ...


Sharing your feelings is going half way to initiating a relationship with her, surely you see that? As for the gym why oh why are you still going with her? You are playing with fire.
If you want to work out with a young person, find a guy. You really must start to set boundaries with other women.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Sharing your feelings is going half way to initiating a relationship with her, surely you see that? As for the gym why oh why are you still going with her?* You are playing with fire.*
> If you want to work out with a young person, find a guy. You really must start to set boundaries with other women.


This is exactly what I was going to say.

@OP You ever heard the saying, there's no fool like an old fool?

You know what you have to do, but you're still not going to do it because you don't want to stop seeing your crush.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Sharing your feelings is going half way to initiating a relationship with her, surely you see that? As for the gym why oh why are you still going with her? You are playing with fire.
> If you want to work out with a young person, find a guy. You really must start to set boundaries with other women.


I actually think he is heading in the right direction, sort of. He isn't telling the OW which is a smart move. He is considering telling his wife in the future at some point, not sure why since he already knows how she will react, she will want NC. Before he tells her he is planning on bringing other co-workers into the workout group.

I think he is generally doing the right thing, but it is unnecessarily complicated. He should just go NC right now and be done with it. End of story. No need to tell the wife if you've taken care of it already.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I actually think he is heading in the right direction, sort of. He isn't telling the OW which is a smart move. He is considering telling his wife in the future at some point, not sure why since he already knows how she will react, she will want NC. Before he tells her he is planning on bringing other co-workers into the workout group.
> 
> I think he is generally doing the right thing, but it is unnecessarily complicated. He should just go NC right now and be done with it. End of story. No need to tell the wife if you've taken care of it already.


He is half heartedly doing it. However he isn't doing enough to be safe.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> I still plan to confess to my wife in the near future. Knowing her I think she will likely feel uncomfortable. In that case I will need to switch Gym. In preparing for this I am starting to see if I can recruit other people to join our workout group, so that when I leave, Maggie will not need to workout alone.


You are still caring too much about this other woman, seems more so than your wife. Why is that?


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some
> 
> ...


I think you’d be making a huge mistake to discuss your “feelings” with your coworker & tell your wife.
I think, if you love your family & your wife, you’d do well to speak to a counselor or clergyman for guidance. Life is short and your issues and/or desires suggest you’ve already cheated. You have demonstrated that how emotionally unavailable you are on your behaviors. You should be enjoying your wife’s company & invite her to workout or do something fun. Family life can be very challenging. However, it’s how we navigate through the good and the bad together that makes us stronger. Good luck


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Johnny34 said:


> My guess is that women biologically is more exclusive because they need to control 100% of the resources of their men in order to raise their kids, therefore exclude all other females. Men, on the other hand, just want to spread their seeds as much as they can. Women in non-monogamous relationships sacrifice. Men in monogamous relationships sacrifice. Overall women rule this world. Men are tools. I don't thin that I am being bitter or sarcastic. I just think this is what the world is. I am completely okay following what the world is. I don't have to be different.


You are so right your marriage is a sacrifice. Your 50 the prime of your life. Let your wife know you are going to pursue the girl that’s smitten with you.

live your life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Night Owl1 said:


> *You should be enjoying your wife’s company*


Indeed. If working out is what floats OP's boat, maybe encourage the wife to join him. The more time a couple spends with one another and the more things they do together as a couple, the tighter the bond grows. Wife and I go shopping together ( I know this will dent my male membership for some people lol ). For a few evenings we worked on a jigsaw puzzle together. We cook and bake, clean house, vacation, exercise and jog together. 

Essentially, if people see one of us they see both of us. We are a pair. OP is missing what could be a wonderful phase of life.


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## dancohen (Sep 11, 2019)

Johnny34 said:


> I still plan to confess to my wife in the near future. Knowing her I think she will likely feel uncomfortable.


DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. No point. Ignorance is bliss. You will hurt her too and create an unnecessary rift. in the relationship with nothing to gain. Visualize the reverse situation - she telling you about a man she fell for. You will start having suspicions whatever and whenever she does even when she goes grocery shopping or a gym. DO YOU WANT THAT with the remainder of your life? You're not out of cloud 9 yet. It will also create a rift especially when you have NOTHING to gain from the new girl because she might not like you. If she does, you better know will she also be that nice when is married to you. How is she as a girlfriend or as a person? obsessive? high maintenance? controlling? Plus you just know her as oppose to knowing your wife for 17 years. She might like attention and will jet once she find someone younger and more handsome than you. Do you want the thrill or do you want security of whatever you have built up (assuming you have assets) Maybe she wants a house. Can you afford that too.

Back to reality - if you told your wife and if your wife happens to find another guy in the future and did fell for him and he pursued her, she will remember what you said and then might be easier for her to break that marriage vow since she will say just go find that maggie girl... but obviously I don't know how your wife looks or what she does as occupation, but if she looks like liz hurley and talks to ppl a lot for her job, then very possible to have guys pursue her.

If you're about to not tell her, then you are out of cloud 9. Btw, I'm sure many said it already.. being in a gym 2 hours per day is VERY different from being with each other 8 hours per day because you have those every day stress things which you encounter daily at home. Being in a gym is like being in a stress free bubble. BIG DIFFERENCE. so the maggie girl will not even end up being what you think of her to be when she is out of that stress free bubble. Same goes for work...


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Her dad showed up at the workout today.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> Her dad showed up at the workout today.


Maybe he wanted to meet this much older married guy who was spending far too much time with his daughter. 
I can't believe you are still doing that.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he wanted to meet this much older married guy who was spending far too much time with his daughter.
> I can't believe you are still doing that.


I'm surprised he can walk.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he wanted to meet this much older married guy who was spending far too much time with his daughter.
> I can't believe you are still doing that.


I wouldn't be surprised. She probably mentioned something about her workouts with him, and even if he didn't say it to her, he probably thought I need to check this out in person. I know that is what I would do as a dad of a daughter.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I wouldn't be surprised. She probably mentioned something about her workouts with him, and even if he didn't say it to her, he probably thought I need to check this out in person. I know that is what I would do as a dad of a daughter.


Maybe the dad will contact OP’s wife and break the news to her that her hubby is bothering his daughter. Maybe he will contact HR.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> You been listening to retards.
> 
> Never...... Go......Full......Retard!!!
> 
> View attachment 82594


WTF?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

After reading this, I wondered if I could possibly feel something towards another woman while married?..... Nope! Zero chance!

Been together 16 years and we absolutely click together. Sex is still excellent at 4-5 times a week. Kid is older and we have a lot more free time for dating which we do at least once every two weeks. 

I joke with her that she is FAR out of my league on physical looks to which she snaps back that I damn sure didn't marry you for looks 😂

I honestly think I would be the biggest fool out there if I cheated on my wife. Just thinking about it for a moment writing this made me feel wrong. I certainly am not bragging as I wish everyone could be in a fantastic marriage. But I have no shame in having a fantastic wife. But I didn't just hit a home run, I hit a grandslam during the 9th inning of the world series 😂

For Valentines Day, she cooked me and the daughter a fantastic breakfast on our outdoor griddle. She got our daughter boxed movie sets to her favorite show. She got me a new router and huge bit set for my woodworking shop. I was also given an envelope wrapped in ribbon that I cannot open until 4, and its driving me insane 😳


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Johnny34 said:


> A couple of weeks ago at the height of my emotions I did write a letter addressed to Maggie. I was hoping that I could show it to her some time in the future, *to add more confidence about herself*.


Young women do not need "more confidence" by the attention of old married dudes. Young women know exactly what almost ALL dudes want from them. You are being a creepy old man and you're over here thinking YOU would add to HER confidence?? Yikes.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Same garbage my ex would do. I will tell you what our counselor told us. You think what you are doing is innocent and you would sure want to convince your wife that it is. Any time a person who is married initiates actions to encourage to get to know other person of interest it is an affair. You cannot give to your spouse when you are caught up in an infatuation. 

My suggestion is for you to decide what is important to you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Don't feed the squirrels folks


Sign say, "Don't feed the 🐒's"


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

I plan to tell my wife about it tonight.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> I plan to tell my wife about it tonight.


Why?


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Just feel like. Wife and I have known each other for a while I feel that we can share some dirty secrets. Besides, I want her to know who I am so if I am too sick need help maybe she can help me too. Twenty percent of the responses for the poll said talked to wife first.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

First you want to cheat on your wife, now you want to hurt her for no reason. How about you build HER confidence by telling he that she is wonderful and the only one for you?


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

You aren’t “sick”; you have a flawed character. Do you want to be a man of honor, a decent human being? If so, that’s an inside job. She can’t help you with it. Or do you want to be a selfish, entitled little boy with no concern for anyone’s feelings but your own?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So you're still pushing this idea that a woman 20 years younger than you wants you. 

To the extent that you're going to be an ass to your wife and share that you don't love the woman who committed to you. You're going to ruin her life.

Look up douch bag and asshole. Your picture is there.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Well, looks like tonight is the night. I just talked to Maggie at the workout. I will talk to wife next. I’m gonna leave you wonder, and won’t update until at least tomorrow.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Johnny34 said:


> Well, looks like tonight is the night. I just talked to Maggie at the workout. I will talk to wife next. I’m gonna leave you wonder, and won’t update until at least tomorrow.


There isn't much to wonder about. You will be a single guy soon. Hopefully she gets over this fairly quickly and finds a real man. All while you drink the night away wondering why a much younger woman has no interest in ya.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Well, looks like tonight is the night. I just talked to Maggie at the workout. I will talk to wife next. I’m gonna leave you wonder, and won’t update until at least tomorrow.


So you decided to tell the OW too? In my book that is emotionally cheating. You better hope your wife doesn't see it the same way. Are you going to tell your wife that you told the OW that you have feelings for her?


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Okay here it is. I decided to talk to both woman because I was still suffering inside. I needed a way out.

The conversation with Maggie was really short. I got to the gym and started working out. Maggie arrived 20 minutes later. I quickly moved into telling her that I will stop exercising with her, because I found her attractive, which is distracting. I need to work out by myself. These are almost exactly the same words. She didn’t say anything, just lightly giggled a couple of times when I said that. Then I terminated my work out quickly and got out.

Then I told wife this story. She was graceful. She even half jokingly said now she understood why recently I had been extra tender during our bedtime -I was fantasizing another woman! I immediately denied.

Life can be a fun dance, if you care to be playful.

BigdaddyNY, was I cheating? I did share my feeling for Maggie with wife, but in a more subtle way: “I found her very attractive; it was messing up my head; I was depressed.”. 

Wife wants to do the same kind of workouts with me. I promise to try. 

Unless there are more unexpected, dramatic turns, I think this is the end of my story.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Okay here it is. I decided to talk to both woman because I was still suffering inside. I needed a way out.
> 
> The conversation with Maggie was really short. I got to the gym and started working out. Maggie arrived 20 minutes later. I quickly moved into telling her that I will stop exercising with her, because I found her attractive, which is distracting. I need to work out by myself. These are almost exactly the same words. She didn’t say anything, just lightly giggled a couple of times when I said that. Then I terminated my work out quickly and got out.
> 
> ...


All's well that ends well.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> Okay here it is. I decided to talk to both woman because I was still suffering inside. I needed a way out.
> 
> The conversation with Maggie was really short. I got to the gym and started working out. Maggie arrived 20 minutes later. I quickly moved into telling her that I will stop exercising with her, because I found her attractive, which is distracting. I need to work out by myself. These are almost exactly the same words. She didn’t say anything, just lightly giggled a couple of times when I said that. Then I terminated my work out quickly and got out.
> 
> ...


Amazing. I would have bet my last dollar that results would have been horrible.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Johnny34 said:


> The conversation with Maggie was really short. I got to the gym and started working out. Maggie arrived 20 minutes later. I quickly moved into telling her that I will stop exercising with her, because I found her attractive, which is distracting.


Well that was cringey if anything to that young girl. I don't understand to need to confess crap like that to people. All you had to do was to tell her that you weren't to pair for the exercises with her anymore due to time conflict. There was not need to let her in into your little mind drama. That was pathetic in my opinion. I can imagine now the conversations she will be having with her same age peers: Oh, that's the old old dude that told me that he was stopping exercising with me because he has the hots for me.Do you believe this dude? it made me cringe.

As to your wife. if it was so much bothering you, it was fine to let her know, so that she's out of the dark as to your recent behavior. You weren't cheating, you were lusting. All human lust, those that say it ain't so, are chest thumping hypocrites.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There was no need at all to tell the ow that you were attracted to her.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think it's super gross that you actually told your wife and that she now knows you pretend she's someone else. keep that to yourself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

snowbum said:


> I think it's super gross that you actually told your wife and that she now knows you pretend she's someone else. keep that to yourself.



If I understand what he said, he never told that to his wife. His wife concluded that. this is what he said:



Johnny34 said:


> She even half jokingly said now she understood why recently I had been extra tender during our bedtime -I was fantasizing another woman! I immediately denied.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought you were going to tell the woman and see her reaction to decide what to do, but you didn't. Despite it being inappropriate to tell her of your feelings, it's good that you are no longer working out with her. I think the reason your wife took it okay was because you told her that you are not longer going to be working out with the young woman.
It's a much better idea to work out with your wife.
Do you think your wife's feelings were hurt?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Any lessons learned here or will there be another infatuation in your future?


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

You opened my chatbox. Allow me to respond later.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought you were going to tell the woman and see her reaction to decide what to do, but you didn't. Despite it being inappropriate to tell her of your feelings, it's good that you are no longer working out with her. I think the reason your wife took it okay was because you told her that you are not longer going to be working out with the young woman.
> It's a much better idea to work out with your wife.
> Do you think your wife's feelings were hurt?


Thanks. Wife did not say anything but I think it is conceivable that she felt very uncomfortable. And I feel bad about. I closely watched her in the lat several days I am glad that she didn't talk about this again. You know sometimes it takes time for her nuclear reactor to raise to a boiling point...


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Any lessons learned here or will there be another infatuation in your future?


The lessions I learnt: be very careful talking to young women. They can bite me, unknowingly... these day s I am afraid. Another infatuation in the future? Unfortunately I almost know for sure that it will happen again. Maybe not in the next five years but before my expiration date this will happen again. Foremost I need to try stop being selfish, and put my partner's well being first. Communication is the tactical key.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought you were going to tell the woman and see her reaction to decide what to do, but you didn't. Despite it being inappropriate to tell her of your feelings, it's good that you are no longer working out with her. I think the reason your wife took it okay was because you told her that you are not longer going to be working out with the young woman.
> It's a much better idea to work out with your wife.
> Do you think your wife's feelings were hurt?


I now also feel somewhat guilty if I attend a social event for entertainment, while there are other females but wife is not there.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Johnny34 said:


> I now also feel somewhat guilty if I attend a social event for entertainment, while there are other females but wife is not there.


Why isn't your wife there with you?
You may find some subtle changes in your wife now. She may be somewhat jealous and these social engagements may become a problem.
Has she started going to the gym with you?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> I now also feel somewhat guilty if I attend a social event for entertainment, while there are other females but wife is not there.


So put guardrails and barriers into your life to constrain your evil twin. Insist your wife attend EVERY social event. If she doesn't go neither do you. It can be done. You are a team, not single.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Johnny34 said:


> The lessions I learnt: be very careful talking to young women. They can bite me, unknowingly... these day s I am afraid. Another infatuation in the future? Unfortunately I almost know for sure that it will happen again. Maybe not in the next five years but before my expiration date this will happen again. Foremost I need to try stop being selfish, and put my partner's well being first. Communication is the tactical key.


You arent a helpless victim of your animal instincts. If a person is an alcoholic they stay away from booze totally. You dont need to plow the same ground over again unless you learned NOTHING


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Why isn't your wife there with you?
> You may find some subtle changes in your wife now. She may be somewhat jealous and these social engagements may become a problem.
> Has she started going to the gym with you?


Haha. Wife plan to join me in those social events, too. Just not this weekend. And yes she and I are going to a different gym this week.

However I do believe a "healthy distance" among couples. Doing everything together is not very interesting.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So put guardrails and barriers into your life to constrain your evil twin. Insist your wife attend EVERY social event. If she doesn't go neither do you. It can be done. You are a team, not single.


Appreciate your thoughts. I will keep that in my mind.


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## EranTeicher (11 mo ago)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


There are 2 big questions here, for me (as a psychologist and a relationships counselor):
1) How will sharing your feelings with that woman serve you? Yes, it might get them off your heart, but it might not, or be replaced with something else (like wondering how to get closer to her, or how to find out if the feelings are mutual, etc.) And chances are it will just put more fuel into this fire that you're not even sure you want to kindle.
2) How come you consider telling that woman about your feelings before telling your wife? For me, this is indicative of something that's going on between you and your wife, and it's something to explore.

If you want, I can recommend a really great free service that helps with these kinds of issues.


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> You arent a helpless victim of your animal instincts.


I think you are right. Just last Friday I saw another young female colleague at the end of the hallway, I keep telling my brain "STOOOOOP!".

Since quite a few replies in this thread appear to laugh at the disgusting image that older man drooling over a much younger woman, I want to say that (although this can be another one of my hallucinations), I feel I can now attract more attentions from young females than when I was 25. This can be true for a lot of man, which creates a complicated age dynamics with their long term partners. Something to be dealt with, but not to be denied. Think about the ages of Clinton and Lewinski when their affair happened. Also see reference below:









Dude, She’s (Exactly 25 Percent) Out of Your League


A massive new study finds everyone dates aspirationally—and offers seven other lessons about digital romance.




www.theatlantic.com


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Decide how you want to live your life. 

If single then divorce and attract all the young women you are capable of. Dont be surprised if your opinion of yourself is inflated. 

If you want to be married, then stay away from other women. Expend ALL of your sexual energy with your wife.

Whatever you decide, be 100% all in. Dont victimize other people, especially the mother of your children. Have some integrity


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## Johnny34 (12 mo ago)

EranTeicher said:


> There are 2 big questions here, for me (as a psychologist and a relationships counselor):
> 1) How will sharing your feelings with that woman serve you? Yes, it might get them off your heart, but it might not, or be replaced with something else (like wondering how to get closer to her, or how to find out if the feelings are mutual, etc.) And chances are it will just put more fuel into this fire that you're not even sure you want to kindle.
> 2) How come you consider telling that woman about your feelings before telling your wife? For me, this is indicative of something that's going on between you and your wife, and it's something to explore.
> 
> If you want, I can recommend a really great free service that helps with these kinds of issues.


Hehe. Now this post thread is attracting professionals...

Allow me to first answer question #2: No I was not planning on telling Maggie at all. I was planning on talking to wife only. But when I arrived at the Gym I had a spur of the moment and talked to Maggie.

For #1): The way I talked to Maggie would not fuel it further. I DID NOT ask for her response. I was just telling her what I decided to do. I shared with her because I wanted to give her a reason why I decided to stop working out with her. I prefer to share with her the real reason, not just an excuse. I didn't want to leave her the speculation that maybe I did not enjoy her company. In addition, I truly believe that feelings, when expressed in a responsible and respectful way, is the most precious gift that we can give each other as humans. Even if this disgusts her now, if she look back at today in 20 or 30 years, it may give her a smile. When I was much younger I had married woman approaching to me trying to start a relationship. At that time I looked down on her because she "did not respect her marriage". But now I feel different. How she treated her marriage is not my business. Today I want to say: no but thank you, I really really appreciate your attention on me, and wish you the very best of luck!

Yes please recommend a free service. In general I prefer a group discussion rather than one-on-one advice, so that I can see different perspectives. However in this thread I see that some of the comments are angry and harsh, which made me very uncomfortable. Also some of the comments are less sophisticated, and did not seem to echo my stage of life. Information about a "service" is appreciated. 

I am spending too much time on this thread now...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Johnny34 said:


> The lessions I learnt: be very careful talking to young women. They can bite me, unknowingly... these day s I am afraid. Another infatuation in the future? Unfortunately I almost know for sure that it will happen again. Maybe not in the next five years but before my expiration date this will happen again. Foremost I need to try stop being selfish, and put my partner's well being first. Communication is the tactical key.


Bite you? LOL! You asked for it! If you had been wanting to workout with me I would have told you "no" but some younger ladies like the attention while others have not learned that an older man is as crazy lustful as a younger man but we all learn.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Let me see if I have this:

Your wife has been faithful and a decent human being. You choose to remain married rather than divorce and seek other encounters.

Meanwhile, you tell her you find other people hot , so much so that you want to screw them. She's quiet and you feel she "might be upset". You "hope" she doesn't bring this up.

You confess your feelings to a woman much younger than yourself because she'll "appreciate"it. I have news for you. I had older men hit on me in my 20's. I didn't appreciate being saddled with their lustful pining. Even today I thought they were gross.

The fact that you are a few days out and can't keep your pecker under control makes me very sad for your wife. You really have an issue. I wish you would leave her so a man that desired and loved her could take your sad place. WTH is your deal????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny34 said:


> I think you are right. Just last Friday I saw another young female colleague at the end of the hallway, I keep telling my brain "STOOOOOP!".
> 
> Since quite a few replies in this thread appear to laugh at the disgusting image that older man drooling over a much younger woman, I want to say that (although this can be another one of my hallucinations), I feel I can now attract more attentions from young females than when I was 25. This can be true for a lot of man, which creates a complicated age dynamics with their long term partners. Something to be dealt with, but not to be denied. Think about the ages of Clinton and Lewinski when their affair happened. Also see reference below:
> 
> ...


Clinton was only attractive to her because of his power and position. If he had been an ordinary Joe she wouldn't have given him a second look. Not many women in their 20's are interested in middle age or older men unless they are rich or powerful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You desperately need some good strong boundaries in your interaction with other women. Control who you stare at and who you think about.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I find this thread very disturbing. OP is not aware of how damaging his actions are and casually tells his wife a story that was not fully in truth, then admits here that there will be another infatuation. It's a choice. Put the time and energy into your marriage. 

Years ago I worked at a military facility where this man would come in and talk to me on a regular basis. I knew he was attracted to me and he knew I was married. He was married to, very pretty sweet lady. This man would sit and watch me. he started asking my kids questions about me and telling them to give me messages from him, he would pay my kids to watch his car. He became obsessed. I finally contacted his supervisor and with this man present, I told this man to leave me and my family alone. I went into more detail that I will not explain here. Do you realize that man confessed to his supervisor that he was madly in love with me? I had done nothing but talked to him over the counter of the place I worked. All of this was in this man's head. That sort of infatuation is very dangerous. OP might have not been to that point but it sounds like he was. This man ended up divorcing his wife and left the military.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> All of this was in this man's head


It is all in OP's head too. He said he thinks he is more attractive to younger women now than when he was 25. Living in a dream world. Like a moth to the flame, he knows himself how this ends and yet continues down that rocky road toward the cliff. Eventually HIS supervisor will be having a discussion with him, telling him that a harassment suit has been filed against his company and that he needs to clean out his desk.

My wife's female supervisor's husband came home from his 30 year career one day to tell her he had been fired for unwanted attention to a female colleague. It happens.


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks everyone for listening.
> 
> I am a middle aged man in a fortunately marriage, with kids. Lately I happened to meet a young coworker at a Gym. After that, we sometimes exercised together a few times a week. I developed this very strong attraction to her. I don't think it is appropriate to start a relationship/affair with her. Meanwhile I am having this strong urge to share my feelings with her, to let her know that she is super special. Maybe deep inside I want to have some form of connection with her. I also plan to tell this to my wife in the near future.
> 
> ...


Find a new gym.....like yesterday.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

If you tell Maggie your attraction, you’ve already cheated on your wife. I would, also, refrain from telling your wife. I think it would be more appropriate for you to seek counseling and figure out what’s really bothering you. Then, maybe, you’ll be ready to address your feelings to the appropriate audience.
I’m 58. Divorced & remarried. Life’s not better the second time around, but it is different.
Some things are better left alone & unsaid.


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## Slowhand (Oct 8, 2021)

RUN!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Johnny34 said:


> Thanks. I am in my early 50's. Married 17 years.


Think with your head. Do you want to destroy your marriage, family, wife and everything associated with it?
A younger woman will have no interest with you long term and probably not even short term.
If you walk on the ledge you’re apt to fall off. If you stay off the ledge you can’t.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As the OP hasn't been back in five months, on the instructions of Zombie Cat, I am closing this thread down.


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