# Forgiveness...what are your thoughts on how much can be forgiven?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Somethign that someone posted made me think, is there a limit to what can or should be forgiven? For the person who has done something to their spouse, cheated on them, lied to them, or hurt them in anyway, is there a limit to what should be forgiven? Is there a point where you should just say it doesn't matter how I feel this is too much to forgive? 

I do not mean those cases in which the spouse is still doing whatever they did to hurt the other. I mean in cases, where it was a mistake, its over and the other feels it won't happen again. 

I'm just wondering what is too much for most. Is it having more than one affair, having an affair with a family member, having a child outside the marriage. What are the limits to what can/cannot be forgiven. I know this is an individual question but I guess I start to wonder if some things can't be. They're show stoppers for the marriage? 

In my case it was after 23 years of being together, 2 kids, and he had an affair for about 6 months, carried on in front of my face (not overtly but there are always signs) with someone I entrusted to care for my kids. He took this woman places "because the kids invited her"...not exactly, places I did not go. I didn't worry because this was a family friend and a neighbor. Had a physical affair, once happened in our bedroom (no one home) and probably several times in our vehicle. He told her he loved her but claims he never meant it. Looked for another place to live, and she went with him. Claims he was worried I would toss him out and she happened to call him when he was on his way to go look and asked to join him but he told her she was not going to move in. Lied about the affair, had to be caught. Then when he was he contacted her a few times by email then decided that was not what he wanted and has had no communication since nor does he want to (been 8 months). This I believe, I've done my own checking and I do believe zero communication since. He did admit to those initial emails but everything else I've had to pull out of him. Do I know all of it, well I guess I do, what else could there be? 

On a side note as there always is, there was further fall out. A friend of the OW decided she hated me enough to tell me about the affair, I already knew but my 10 year old daughter standing there did not. Nice huh? Always fallout...I do blame H for this. I did tell my daughter it was not true and she believes me but what an awful thing to have to do. 

How do I feel now? Well I do still love him, not as much as before all this. Not sure if its possible to. We have a much better relationship today and he has made some changes and improved communication and I've had some very bad moments in which he always takes well and supports me, in fact says I am entitled to them. I'm asking your opinion because I don't want to be one of those women who should have left but is too gullible....


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Az,

Each person has differing levels of forgiveness.

There is no one standard.

There is the 1 affair ends a marraige.
There is the 2 affairs that ends it.

Then there is the recovery time, cheating spouse wants to go out with the girls/guys, and does so without consent. That ends the marraige.

Too many factors.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

for my wife and I we know the deal breakers.. 

If she were to have another EA.. (and hse only had a very very brief single intimate conversation w/ an old high school friend) I would serve her with papers quicker than a bartender can serve her a beer.

If i even attempt to sneak a peek at online porn in any way.. i'm in the street quicker than leaves in autumn...

Now I forgave her single conversation.. forbidden her to talk to dude.. she's willfully agreed.. i've given up my porn desires and some other things wilfully. All "sacrifices" have been for the greater good..

now for a tiny bit of background.. 3 1/2 years or so ago.. we split up due to rocky situations at the time.. during our separation she found another guy and I another woman.. (not that doing so made things fair lol) and after the initial honeymoon effect of the 'flings' wore off, my wife and I pieced things back together... in the beginning of the piecing, she had to confess something to me. . she had gotten pregnant from the guy. I imeediately forgave her, and have yet to bring it up. even during the nastiest arguments, it's the farthest thing on my mind. MY SON is now 2 and a half years old. The guy has no idea and we'll never seek him out. To protect me (and offer piece of mind, she didn't include me on the birth cert. - that was her request for me).. I love this boy like my own. Always will, even in the unlikely event we ever split.

So.. each person must have boundaries and standards by which they lead their lives. For me, an EA is cheating. (in my book) and for her, she likens smut surfing as cheating. (it hurts us each the same as it would if we were to cheat) and after what we've been through, we each had one "slip up" and will tolerate no more. We have a joint agreement that in the event either is feeling the same way we did when the 'cheating' behavior was prompted, we'd throw a red flag word or phrase to signal.. "HEY.. pay attention.. you're slacking"

this works for us.

i hope this helps
mike


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