# Explain about the "ego boost" thing...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know with my H and from what I see on here that it seems that alot more men fall prey to the ego boost and then end up having EA/PA's.

I don't get it...I have had guys I know compliment me, etc. and I don't feel a rush to all of a sudden start an affair with them....

For example, a friend of mine's son, whose son is around my age, told me that her son thought I was really pretty and liked me...I was flattered but I didn't think hmmmm I wonder if I should get something going with him. That doesn't even go thru my mind.

Are men more suceptible to that kind of a thing than women maybe???


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Not sure theres an answer to this but what a great question! My situation is in this vein as you may well appreciate, thing is, without being big headed here, I was the one who everyone considered more likely to cheat (if pushed on which one of us) because I am (or was) more chatty and gregarious when out therefore getting a fair amount of male attention. Offers if I wanted to take them, or at least pursue attention. And yet, as you say, I never cheated or acted on anything/potential situations.

I loved my husband, my life and family and it just never seemed to cross my mind to cheat. The feeling / ego boost was nice dont get me wrong, but never any more than that for me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe I am just more biased because it is my H that had an EA...so I am focusing more on males that had EA/PA's.

That is kind of like my situation in that I was the one that got more male attention thru the years than he got in female attention..so I thought to myself if anyone was going to have opportunity than it was me...how wrong I was!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While we men are often all about ego, many women are all about attention.

Many women for example like to be called MILFs. I do not get that becuase I see it as a disrespectful and perjorative term but some ladies get some kind of boost from it. Ok fine.

I would say that you may want to look at this in another way from a needs perspective. See His Needs Her Needs. 

Many mens highest needs are : Sexual Fullfillment, Respect and Admiration.

In fact while I certainly have other emotional needs these just may be the top three. Ego? Idunno. Who cares if it is ego or not? 

So as EAs go in a work place for example respect and admiration can be a real catalyst to an affair of this type. It was in my case. Many off us want to be admired. We could combine Respect and Admiration perhaps but I think admiration infers a demonstration of the respect. Certainly you can see it in anothers eyes for example or in their words and deeds.

I see this from my wife. Thankfully.

So I think many men are this way. Maybe not all.

I am thinking women want the same things as well but they may tend to focus on Attention.

What do you think? How do these things compare? I think I am onto something from your above post.

Also this is not just a man woman thing. People have different needs.

But perhaps your husbands boundaries are not compatioble with his needs.
Boundaries were a huge issue for me. I have fixed that.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

It all depends on whether or not there is at least some of that coming from his spouse. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/31927-help-he-says-hes-leaving.html

Open that thread and skip down to the first post by D8zed. It explains a great deal about why an "ego-boost" can push a man in that direction. It's not really ego, it's about feeling useful. 

I believe most men want to feel useful to their spouse and a lot of times they just never get told how "useful" they are...so they feel like children in their own home. Until another woman comes along and points out to them what's actually going on and then offers him a chance to be "useful" to her. Which i'll bet 8 or 9 times out of 10 is refused on the 1st or 2nd try. But after a while it wears on them and they indulge those feelings a little until it snowballs. 

Then EA to PA to life-changing events for everyone.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I think I was headed down this path, but caught myself. A few years ago my marriage hit new lows. An attractive/younger single mom started finding reasons to come in my office for chats. She'd hang on my words, smile, tilt her head, giggle, etc. She'd thank me for sharing my knowledge with her about work and raising kids. I started looking forward to talking to her...too much. I realized that she was boosting the hell out of my ego, while most of my interactions with my wife were negative. I don't know if it was innocent on her part, or if she had an agenda. I stopped it, but I can see how these things evolve over a short period of time.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

StGeorge said:


> It all depends on whether or not there is at least some of that coming from his spouse.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/31927-help-he-says-hes-leaving.html
> 
> ...


Thanks for that link..great read!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I, too, think men are more susceptible when their ego needs aren't being met.

Comparing men and women is like comparing apples to oranges. We are wired differently and to need different things... 

However susceptible or not, it's never an excuse. Stepping outside boundaries is a CHOICE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> I think I was headed down this path, but caught myself. A few years ago my marriage hit new lows. An attractive/younger single mom started finding reasons to come in my office for chats. She'd hang on my words, smile, tilt her head, giggle, etc. She'd thank me for sharing my knowledge with her about work and raising kids. I started looking forward to talking to her...too much. I realized that she was boosting the hell out of my ego, while most of my interactions with my wife were negative. I don't know if it was innocent on her part, or if she had an agenda. I stopped it, but I can see how these things evolve over a short period of time.


That is similar to my H's EA..this woman was flirtatious, complimentary, etc. and honestly he was not getting that at home from me I have to admit. She came on strong and after many years of a complacent marriage...he fell for it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

highwood said:


> That is similar to my H's EA..this woman was flirtatious, complimentary, etc. and honestly he was not getting that at home from me I have to admit. She came on strong and after many years of a complacent marriage...he fell for it.


Sorry to hear. I wasn't getting positive attn at home for many years, either. In my case, the coworker is kind of geeky. She either didn't know how to come on strong, or she was waiting for me to make a move. I'd like to think that I wouldn't fall for that shyte now. I'm confident in myself again, and no longer need HS crush-type things to boost my ego.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

The way it happened in my EA, (and I've had a lot of time to analyze it now), it was things as simple as my AP saying to me:

"Wow, I really missed you today."

"Man, your wife is so lucky to have someone like you around. People like you are so rare these days."

"Even though we live so far away from each other, you really do make me feel wanted. I want so badly to make you feel as good as you make me feel when I think about you."

IN NO WAY was I a victim I walked into it willingly, but come on, how the hell can your emotional stability compete with things like that when there is nothing coming in from where it should.

My first mistake was not talking to my wife about what was happening to me.....instead I chose the easy way.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

highwood said:


> That is similar to my H's EA..this woman was flirtatious, complimentary, etc. and honestly he was not getting that at home from me I have to admit. She came on strong and after many years of a complacent marriage...he fell for it.


Some folks are cake eaters. They get these needs met in multiple places.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

highwood said:


> Are men more suceptible to that kind of a thing than women maybe???


I think any person, male or female, with a high emotional need for admiration and outside validation, is going to be more susceptible.

Like you, I always got hit on a lot more than my H but I never got sucked into an A. Sure, the compliments were nice. Sure, it was tempting a couple of times when the man was extremely hot. (I'm in one of only 3 industries where you can actually be discriminated against for your looks so I'm around a lot of VERY attractive men). But it's called boundaries and it's also about feeling good about yourself, without the need for that ego boost. Self-esteem has to come from within and all that jazz. 

I've read that affairs are not about looks but about how the AP makes the wayward feel. My H said he always knew OW was far less attractive but at the time, he didn't care because she thought he was wonderful and smart and funny and handsome and she wanted him." He needed that outside validation to his own detriment... and mine.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I learned the expression "warm words, cool actions." It drives the men crazy.

My exH and I would have dinner parties, it seemed that he lived for the pretty thank you cards that came afterwards, inevitably written by the wives of the couple. My attitude was, screw these cards, how about a return invitation. 

I have to keep reminding myself, men value more a kind word more than every material effort or item that you can give them.

No wonder it's so easy to be the OW.


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