# I know I was right to flee, but, somehow, everything sucks.



## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I don't know how many of you were on this message board a year ago. If you were, you might have read my earlier thread about the misery that was my marriage:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...n/8606-who-guy-wheres-man-i-agreed-marry.html

For those of you who want the executive summary: my husband was a wonderful human being until we got married. As soon as the ring went on, he turned into my own personal hell--abusive and utterly horrible to live with.

To make things short and to the point--after a year and three months of being treated like crap, I realized I had to leave and leave quickly. I also realized that if I made a show of getting out of there, it could be very dangerous for me.

I waited until a day when he went to work but left the car at home. I'd been packing my things, little by little, for about a week beforehand. As soon as my husband left the house, I taped up the boxes, ran them down the elevator, threw them in the car, stuck a note on the bathroom mirror, and ran like hell. 

The first week went by in a blur. I don't think I bathed, or slept, or ate a full meal, for at least 7 days. I didn't really have a place to live, and I had to spend nights at different places--with relatives, in the apartments of friends of relatives, in the occasional hostel. After about a month of couch-surfing and hostel-crashing, I got an apartment, moved in, got new furniture and kitchen things.

It's been almost 2 months since I left. Somehow, I've managed to keep on going--breathing, chewing, sleeping, putting one foot in front of the other, smiling at strangers and acquaintances. I'm not sure how, and I can't say I remember much of it too well. 

I do OK when there's a task in front of me, or when there's someone else to focus on. Left to myself, though, I'm still kind of in shock, drained and empty, in mourning for the future I won't have, and shaken to the core that I can't trust my instincts in whom to love.

When do things start to feel normal? I went through Thanksgiving and the following weekend well--hung out with relatives I loved, had fun conversations, caught up with an old family friend--but I haven't done anything but sleep, eat, and watch dumb TV for the last two days. I just haven't had the energy for it, even though I've had plenty to do. (I basically called in sick yesterday and today. I'll have to go in tomorrow, but I'm completely unprepared, and I'm going to look like a total doofus.)

It does get better, doesn't it? If so, when? I know in my gut I did the right thing to leave. So why do I feel like such a failure, and when can I expect to feel human again?

I'd love to hear any advice or insight you could give me. Thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dealing with something like this is very similar to dealing with the death of a loved one. You might want to read on grieving to understand what you're going through and to also see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

there's also a good book called Feeling Good by David Burns. he talks about how a depressed persons thought process keeps them bogged down and how to break free of those thoughts. Its the first book i read that i felt someone actually understood how to help me and not just recant the past a million times.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*Blanca*--Thanks for the recommendation. I've ordered a copy of the book on Amazon. 

Today went OK. I managed to get out of bed and go to class in 
the morning. Luckily, my classes today were interesting, which lifted my mood a lot! But as soon as I was done for the day and headed back home, all the energy I had disappeared.

My stbxh called. I should return his call. But I really don't want to talk to him. Even seeing his name on my caller ID makes me feel exhausted, somehow.

Every time he calls, it's really about the same thing--he wants to reconcile. At the very least, he says, he wants to be friends. Well, no real friend of mine would ever treat me the way he has! I know that, and there's no way I'm going back to him. But despite all that, I feel stabbed through the heart each time he says it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i know what you mean. some days all you can do is go through the motions. and some days you dont even get that far. 

maybe you could delete his messages without listening to them? it might help not to hear it.


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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

i share this state of mind. i woke up in the middle of the night and thought there should be a booked called 'In Between" its like u have one foot in the life you created for the past 14 years and one foot streched out onto an idea that you shouold be happy....but what if your wrong? what if the old way was as good as it gets? then i say i would rather be alone. so my 'in between today' is to find happiness in being alone.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Your emotions seem so similar to an expereince of mine as a teenager. I lived with my father for over a year. He was cruel, and worked us so hard that I barely slept. Once, when he was out of town, his wife kicked me out of the house and I lived on the streets for a time. My mother was married to an alcoholic, so I didn't want to go there.

Although I was only thirteen, I was very mature, like an adult, so I think my experience might be similar.

When I finally was found by my mother, my step father committed himself to being better. For weeks, I just slept alot. Even had many physical symptoms. Then when school started, I started feeling like I had a life. My life. 

You have to gradually get into the rhythms of a normal life, and it'll feel like your whole life is resetting. Gradually, you'll get to know the new you, and even like the person you are becoming. It's like one day, you'll be going through your new daily routine and realize that you have a new life. Based on how you describe yourself, I know you'll get there. Just keep plodding ahead, and look for opportunities to enjoy yourself.

Funny thing is that I began to develop some basic rules of who I am, and how I will live. My code. It was important to me that I learn lessons from this experience so I wouldn't call it wasted. I became a better person. My wife looked at me when one of our favorite programs came on where the character has rules he lives by.

Now, in my forties, I can't even remember the details of my childhood, other than exhaustion. I only remember the new me.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*Takris*--Wow, that sounds like a terrible experience to live through. Good for you for getting strength from it.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

Hope you're feeling better today. You've got to remember you've done the right thing. I don't know when things start to get normal. I was forced to leave my abusive husband over 4 months ago, and I'm still not OK. You feel like a failure and even start to trivialise the abuse (it wasn't that bad was it?). You are also grieving the loss of your future that would never have happened, but there's still the hope of it.

Try to maintain the no contact rule. Are there any injunctions you could take out to stop him from contacting you?

Take care and be strong. x


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*HM3*--I'm sorry to hear you have the same problem I do, but thanks so much for telling me about it. Do you have friends and family nearby to help you get out and be happy from time to time?

It was good to get your warm and sympathetic message. I sometimes really have to remember not to beat myself up for not being miraculously over it. I want to be one of those newly-separated women who have this enormous sense of liberation, who go out and buy all new clothes and jet off to foreign countries for the hell of it. Instead, I'm wearing the same clothes for days at a time, and I can't muster up the oomph to go down to the corner store and pick up more milk.

I haven't returned my stbxh's calls for the last several weeks. At this point, he just sends me e-mails telling me things like whether I have mail. As the very last line of his e-mails, he tells me that I can call him whenever I'd like.

That's helped somewhat, I think.

At this point, I don't know what he wants, exactly. He's told me that he'd like to reconcile, but he doesn't want me to move back in. He wants to have a marriage where we live in separate places and see each other now and then. 

I can't see ever sharing a bed with him again, no matter where the hell each of us lives. As far as I'm concerned, it's over.

I did manage to go to work and keep my clients happy, at least. And I've done a little reading for class, which is nice. But I should be much more focused if I want to keep my place in my program at school. I need to be reading and reviewing for finals this week. I already didn't do so well on my midterms, because I'd just left mmy husband and had nowhere to live. So I have to do well on finals. But I can't concentrate, no matter what he hell I do. That does not bode well. 

I'm really shooting myself in the foot, here. I worked really hard to get where I am, so that I can be in school and earn an OK living at the same time. Now I'm screwing that up. I really don't think that being exhausted or distraught from leaving my husband is justification for flunking or getting canned, but somehow I just can't seem to get jack squat actually done. (I'm not flunking yet, and people at work are OK with how I've been doing. But I'm afraid I won't pass my exams or get papers in on time over the next week and a half. I'm also afraid of screwing up client appointments or not giving my boss things I'm supposed to, because I've been so mentally checked-out.)

I'd be very grateful for suggestions on how to get a grip in time to make sure I still have my career by the end of this month.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hi,

I'm lucky that I've moved back in with my parents. The marital home isn't far from my parents at all. Can you believe that I felt isolated from family and friends that were located so close to where we lived? He made me feel as though I was a 1000 miles from anyone.

In time you will be those liberated women. I'm like you - I don't want to go shopping or on holidays etc. I would like to go on a long holiday, I'm a backpacker at heart, but I need to sort out the divorce and my finances.

We're alike - I'm studying too. At first I kept myself so busy with it, and it was a great distraction. At the moment I'm not as productive as I'd like to be. Please don't flunk at school - tell your teacher what has happened if you need a little bit more time to finish assignments etc. Please don't fail because of him - you'll get angry about it in the future if you don't succeed, and you'll blame him and yourself.

Your ex's definition of a reconciliation and a marriage is ridiculous. I'm glad you have realised this and not thinking about saving the marriage.

Take care and do small things on a daily basis to help you. x


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Thanks so much for your warm responses! They're great to hear.

How are you doing these days? 

I empathize with your having been isolated from people you love and care about. My husband pulled that crap on me, too. 

I took the first of my final exams two days ago. I don't think I did great, but I think I passed, and that's really all I need. What a relief!

Like you, *HM3*, I'm a backpacker at heart. That was one of the many traits my stbxh liked in me as his girlfriend, but hated in me as his wife.

When are your finals, *HM3*? Good luck on your exams, whenever they are.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. Sometimes I forget everything, and then when the solicitor gets in touch, everything just resurfaces again. I also went to the police and again it's the rollercoaster of am I doing the right thing or not? It's difficult and tiring. I wish all this could be finished. 

I also hate the fact that I'm going to be "divorced". I thought I could cope with anything that life throws at me. I feel completely broken, every aspect of me is broken at the moment. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it out.

I took my husband on his first backpacking holiday and he loved it. Like you, when we married and went backpacking he complained about timing, food, not staying in luxurious hotels and didn't want to mix with anyone. 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you - good luck! Let us know what happens.

I don't have exams, it's just my thesis. But the longer it takes to finish, the longer I have to wait to move onto the next stages of my life.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

You had to go to the police?! What happened? Are you OK?

That sounds really awful. And don't apologize for writing about how you feel. Isn't that what this board is for?

In your heart of hearts, you probably know that you're doing the right thing, or you wouldn't have left to begin with. Being divorced is nothing to be ashamed of. Your mustering up the courage to leave him is something to be proud of. Many people don't have the guts to make major changes in their lives like that.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk or e-mail off the board. It's always good to have another person who knows a bit about what you're going through to talk to.

Take care of yourself, and know that you can and will get through this OK.


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