# Materialistic Husband



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Hi everyone, 

I need your inputs.
I am completely struggling with my husband's spending habits and I don't know if this is normal and if me feeling anxiety and depressed about it is justified or not.

First of all, my husband and I have been married for just over a year.
Before marriage, I had a full time job with a promising career in Wealth Management.
I lived on my own, took myself shopping, had my nails and hair done monthly. I was independent, self sufficient, and I had a good life.

I moved from Canada to the US in MAY2017 to be with my husband and haven't been able to work due to work visa not being issued until DEC2017. Once the Visa was issued however, we moved from California to the East coast so I am still going through the job hunt process.
Not having any income for me has been extremely difficult and my husband and I get in arguments frequently because of his spending habits vs. mine.

On my side, everything I used to do : shopping, nails, hair etc completely stopped when I moved to the US to be with my husband. I was fully aware I will not be able to financially contribute with incoming money so I knew I had to be disciplined. I also did not come empty handed. I came over with my small life savings of 30K, which I would access any time I need to get a hair cut, or the ONE time I bought myself a few sweaters, and I would even pay for every other bill (especially very frequently when I first moved in) whenever we went out, and paid for my share of our vacation to Cabo.

I now know the biggest mistake was the fact that we didn't see eye to eye and didn't have the same outlook on our finances once we were married. I was so naive and was completely under the impression that because I've had to sell everything, and quit my promising career to be with my husband, that we will have a joint financial goal that we draw out, combine savings and invest, have a budget, and I'll take care of the house work until I am employed. Many of my married friends who are stay at home mums/wives seemed to have a joint account and the husband and wife had a budget each month they would draw for their personal use. In my case however, I was given his credit card, and no joint account, and I was too hesitant to ever use his credit card (unless it was for groceries) so my life savings (which I always tell him is also HIS money) continued to deplete as I pay for my and OUR (eating out,etc) things.
While this is happening and my anxiety about money worsens, my husband likes to take me down to Rodeo Drive and buy himself two - three designer clothes (each at least $200) on the weekends.
He also makes fun of people who buy things from H&M, etc while suggesting I am one of those people...

I couldn't even tell you how many fights we've had, upset days I've had, and I am truly lost. I don't know what to do. My husband has a great job. He makes 110K per year and has a healthy savings of about 60K. He LOOOOOOOOVES designer brands and he will never wear anything else because he believes they are beneath him.
It was making me upset for so long because he would always only buy himself things while I had given up so much to be with him. It truly felt like I was just his live at home maid while he always splurged.

One day, the fight got so bad so he finally stopped spending as much. He said that it was because of me that he no longer enjoys shopping at all......

This week, he is in Las Vegas for work and asked if he could buy some jeans. Before he left, he had ordered x1 limited edition Nike sneakers and x1 limited edition Adidas sneakers. I had been feeling very guilty for him not being able to shop (since December when he spent $3,000 for his new work clothes....but apparently, these "don't count" because buying work clothes are boring), so I said go for it... He ended up buying a pair of jeans from Dsquared (which was at least $200 if on sale, $400 plus if not). Then he tells me today that he also bought a Burberry T-shirt (probably about $200) and a pair of Gucci sneakers (which I know is at least $600)........He just bought these without even asking...... YES, I DID say, "Go for it, enjoy Vegas and go treat yourself"...... but I didn't realize he would go off and spend over $1,000 just like that......

I am struggling.
I am not materialistic at all. I like to look good but I pull this off without ever spending that kind of money for clothes, and I am the kind of person who is happy and confident enough to wear the same sweater until it gets a hole in it....I am confident I still look good anyway.
He is the complete opposite. He already has so many things. He occupies 90% of the wardrobe space and I am coming to my wits end.......To me, material things mean nothing. Ok yes, of course it is nice to have nice things. But what is it all for if you are an empty person inside? or a complete dumbass? I'd much rather have amazing experiences, memories, and spend that kind of money on vacation, camping, etc.

I also think he is selfish in general.
He always only spends that kind of money for himself. For example, I found out recently as I was cleaning out some stuff that my engagement ring cost him $1,800...... I know I should be grateful but I can't shake off the fact that I spent $2,000 for his wedding band.... and the fact that he bought himself a Hublot watch for $5,000 few weeks after our wedding (he said it was on sale for 60% off so he MUST buy this, etc.... apparently the watch usually is over 10K full retail).......it makes me worried and sad.

For those whose been in this kind of relationship, what do you do? How do you cope?
I am reading lots of books so I can "let go", and let him be as materialistic as he wishes, and I must focus on bettering myself in the way that I value..... but it's so hard sometimes......

I just don't understand people who are this materialistic. He & we are not even millionaires..... And yes, I know - I know that money is one of the number 1 things married couples fight about and that I should have known this/ made sure we were compatible in that regard etc. But lots of things changed (me moving and thus not being able to work) and lots of things didn't go the way we planned (we didn't expect the work visa to take this long to be issued or expect the move from west coast to the east, which delayed my job hunting etc)..... I guess I am here because I do love him and would like to know how I can overcome this difference.... but I don't know if that's possible......

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thank you..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you didn't discuss your respective financial outlooks prior to marriage. You consider your husband to be generally selfish. Financial perspectives should have been hashed out prior to the I-do's. How long did the two of you date prior to marriage?

I hope you are putting all of your energy into getting a job. Keep all money separate. Do not comingle funds. And stop digging into your savings to indulge his spending sprees. Why? Because this marriage sounds like crap to me. 

I was married to a man who loved to lavish himself with clothes. Neckties? The man had AT LEAST 150 neckties, and I am not exaggerating one bit. I never understood it, since he only had ONE neck. But I soon discovered he was a narcissist. For him, it was all about "Decorate me, decorate me!!!!" 

Maybe you have an immature jerk on your hands. Perhaps he will never be fiscally responsible. Could be a narcissist like my ex. But all the fighting that is going on in your first year of marriage ... well, all I can say is it sounds like a terrible match. Does your husband have redeeming qualities that keep you in the marriage?


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Hi Prodigal,

Thank you for your reply. No we did not discuss enough about financial perspectives at all. I just naively thought that we'd be combining our savings and invest towards our future home we discussed about, and that everything we have will be shared. Long story short, we were married only few weeks after engagement as well...For him to ask me to quit my job, relocate to a different country, sell everything I own, etc, I didn't think it also meant I'd be forking out my savings to pay for things and keeping all finances separate.... It was absolutely my stupid mistake and I get so angry and depressed about this....

His redeeming qualities are there however. He is always thinking about me and checking in with me while he is at work. He calls me on the way home, and has agreed to do couple's counselling with me to deal with even bigger issue than finance that I haven't mentioned here....But when it comes to shopping, he clearly adores himself the most and he also knows he has an addictive personality.......When things are good, it is great. When things are bad, he tends to shut down, ignore me, tell me I am a confrontational person, etc..... This financial part is just the cherry on top of the crappy side of things.....  I do worry often that he is a narcissist.... He has 300 T-shirts and so many pairs of shoes and now, he is only in high-end designer brands.... I tend to be a giver. I usually don't mind giving up a thing or two if it made other people happy.... and I worry that he is a full blown taker... 

How did you marriage with your first husband come to an end? (sorry to hear about your difficult experience with that as well....)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Such an odd concept that a married couple would have completely separate finances. No crossover at all. Is this an American thing? Virtually unheard of in Aus.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

frusdil said:


> Such an odd concept that a married couple would have completely separate finances. No crossover at all. Is this an American thing? Virtually unheard of in Aus.


No. Not an American thing. American career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first marriage for both of us). We always had a joint account since the beginning of our marriage and set the same goals for financial security.

OP, why do you have separate accounts? You need to sit your husband down and discuss what your future goals are. How old are you and your husband? We used to live in California & $110,000 salary per year in Southern California is not much. If your husband continues to spend the way he is going, you'll be bankrupt in no time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you're going to remain with finances separate, then his money should go to pay for his ****. End of. You really need a joint account to pay for bills and other expenses that are the responsibility of you both. He needs to pay a bigger share right now while you job search. When you have more steady income, then that can shift appropriately.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Did he somehow think you were as materialistic as him? How long were you dating? Was this incompatibility not all that obvious?


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

You are wise and mature. Trust your instincts.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi Prodigal,
> 
> Thank you for your reply. No we did not discuss enough about financial perspectives at all. I just naively thought that we'd be combining our savings and invest towards our future home we discussed about, and that everything we have will be shared. Long story short, we were married only few weeks after engagement as well...For him to ask me to quit my job, relocate to a different country, sell everything I own, etc, I didn't think it also meant I'd be forking out my savings to pay for things and keeping all finances separate.... It was absolutely my stupid mistake and I get so angry and depressed about this....
> 
> ...



So, is the "even bigger issue" you reference related to addiction, infidelity, abuse or something nefarious that went on in his former workplace? I ask because from what you've said, he seems to be working pretty hard on winning the dark triad grand slam...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Normally I would have advised joint finances, but alas my personal experience is this is a bad idea if you're not both strongly on the same good financial plan. I love Dave Ramsey's general philosophy (but I'm not quite so militant about no credit cards, if you can be disciplined). Basically he advocates jointly putting together a solid plan which includes no debt, solid savings, and having a budget.

But when you have different goals or ideas, that doesn't work. My xw has been planning on retiring off of her inheritance which she will receive before retirement age. So she never worried about savings. Even when we had discussions about it, she just honestly has no concerns at all about money being available for retirement. I, on the other hand, have been saving and trying to be careful with spending. It got to the point where I was secretly saving, by slowly increasing my payroll deduction for 401k and IRA. Plus I was stashing cash in the safe at home. She had full access to the safe, btw, it was not me stealing from the family. Anyhow, several times I had to use that cash to bail out things like tuition payments for the kids. Our income 25 yrs ago was average or lower but increased to being very good. Good enough we shouldn't have been struggling.

Anyhow, when it came to divorce, guess what she wanted (and mostly got)? Half my retirement savings! Guess what was completely off limits to even bring up? Her inheritance.

Your H is who he is. He has certain beliefs and values which cause him to spend on these expensive clothes, and to do it frequently. Until he changes those underlying belief systems, he is not going to change his spending.

You could try taking him to a Dave Ramsey class called Financial Peace University. This is not expensive! Maybe it wakes him up. But I would institute a financial structure in your marriage where you each put in half the monthly basic expenses to a joint account. Rent, groceries, health insurance, utilities. The rest of your incomes go into your individual accounts. From those accounts you buy your own clothing, cars, and toys. If you go out to a restaurant you can split the bill.

I would also recommend investigating a post-nup which specifies your individual retirement accounts will never be considered joint assets in case of divorce. I would also try to lump in non-retirement savings plus any other assets like cars, art, musical instruments, etc, but idk if that is likely to hold up in a court challenge. Nevertheless, I would do everything possible to protect retirement savings from divorce!

Doing so will protect you, but it may also at some point spur him to think about saving some money rather than spending. If you do stay happily married into retirement, you can be as generous as you want with your retirement savings.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Hi Rowan,

the even bigger issue I am referring to is his infidelity with prostitutes while we were in a long distance relationship. I found out by snooping one day after he took off after we came home after a night out and went drunk driving over to a friend's house and I could no longer trust him. I found evidence that he slept with prostitutes from the beginning stages of our LDR and the last attempts based on text messages were a couple of weeks before he proposed to me..... I am in deep pain about this and not ready to discuss on this forum yet.... Yes I did get tested and I am fine for those of you that are worried...... and yes, I know most people would have left by now (I found out in October) but I have been looking for ways I can over come all the bad things I've experienced so far as divorce will bring lots of shame + humiliation not to just me but also my family....(JAN2018 was our one year anniversary) and besides those bad points, he truly is a good person.... I also probably feel bad for him as well because he had a traumatic experience with his father - his father stole money and identity from him got himself in jail, which resulted to him having depression throughout his early adult life, ruined his credit in Europe, etc. I believe this experience contributed significantly to him becoming so materialistic.......


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Hi Thor,

Thank you so much for your inputs. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge. I will definitely take a look at Dave Ramsey's class and see if this is something that will help us.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Clarification: The person who went off drunk driving was my husband on his own and it was his father who went to jail. His father also got himself in trouble for various fraud / scam apparently......


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think married couples should generally combine incomes into a single pot, then give equal shares of that pot to each for spending. (in many cases this doesn't need to be done exactly). 

People like to spend money on different things, so I'm not bothered by his liking designer things as long as his spending is within his budget AND if you get an equivalent amount of spending.

Its up to you how to react to his infidelities.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Prostitutes. 

Stop the presses.

Get out now!!


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Okay, in my biased opinion, I could never be with a materialistic person again. I am very similar to you. I don't care about material possessions. My soon to be ex-husband is very materialistic. It made me feel very badly because I knew how much money meant to him so by the same token when he didn't spend any of his money on me, it felt like a jab. It made me begin to think about money and possessions much more because I saw how much HE valued them. It really ate away at my core. 

This is not the reason I left my ex, but it was certainly a factor in why our marriage wasn't as great as it could be because this is a VALUE based problem that says a lot about each of you as characters. If he were materialistic and generous, that would be a whole different story because then at least you'd know he loves you by the gifts he buys (even if you don't really care too much about them). However, I haven't met many materialistic people who are also selfless.  The most generous people I've ever met were usually poor or absolutely not materialistic.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi Rowan,
> 
> the even bigger issue I am referring to is his infidelity with prostitutes while we were in a long distance relationship. I found out by snooping one day after he took off after we came home after a night out and went drunk driving over to a friend's house and I could no longer trust him. I found evidence that he slept with prostitutes from the beginning stages of our LDR and the last attempts based on text messages were a couple of weeks before he proposed to me..... I am in deep pain about this and not ready to discuss on this forum yet.... Yes I did get tested and I am fine for those of you that are worried...... and yes, I know most people would have left by now (I found out in October) but I have been looking for ways I can over come all the bad things I've experienced so far as divorce will bring lots of shame + humiliation not to just me but also my family....(JAN2018 was our one year anniversary) and besides those bad points, he truly is a good person.... I also probably feel bad for him as well because he had a traumatic experience with his father - his father stole money and identity from him got himself in jail, which resulted to him having depression throughout his early adult life, ruined his credit in Europe, etc. I believe this experience contributed significantly to him becoming so materialistic.......



I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, OP.

You say that besides the "bad points" he's a truly good person. Is he charming, successful, smart, funny? Does everyone who knows him socially and from work just think he's a great guy? When he's happy with you - meaning you're not opposing him in any way and he's not actively cheating at that moment - is he the super awesome-est hubby ever? Do you two have the life/relationship that's the envy of everyone who knows you, and do you get comments all the time about how lucky you are to have him? I was married to such a man once, so I know the type. 

Yeah...let's not forget that those "bad points" you refer to so offhandedly include: Cheating. Drunk driving. Addictive behaviors. Materialism. Impulse control issues. Selfishness. Contempt. Lies. Betrayal. And some pretty clear narcissistic traits. But, you know, other than that, he's a great guy.... :slap:

Think hard about the reality of him. The truth is that he is NOT a great guy. He's a serial cheating narcissist. He will not change. He will not be different. He may straighten up for a while, or take his bad habits further underground, but he will never stop being who he is. You should decide now if who he really is, is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. Some people do. But if you make that choice, do it with the clear understanding that he will always be as he is and that by staying, you are letting him know that you're okay with that. Because he will. Not. Stop.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like you didn't take the time to get to know your husband very well prior to marriage. Now you're stuck with a man who sounds quite unsavory. Give counseling a shot. See if he actually makes a SINCERE effort to change. I get the feeling he is what he is. If that is the case, you will have to own up to the fact that you made an error in judgment. It happens.

Me? I left the husband-of-many-neckties. I filed for divorce. Didn't regret it. Didn't look back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi Rowan,
> 
> the even bigger issue I am referring to is his infidelity with prostitutes while we were in a long distance relationship. I found out by snooping one day after he took off after we came home after a night out and went drunk driving over to a friend's house and I could no longer trust him. I found evidence that he slept with prostitutes from the beginning stages of our LDR and the last attempts based on text messages were a couple of weeks before he proposed to me..... I am in deep pain about this and not ready to discuss on this forum yet.... Yes I did get tested and I am fine for those of you that are worried...... and yes, I know most people would have left by now (I found out in October) but I have been looking for ways I can over come all the bad things I've experienced so far as divorce will bring lots of shame + humiliation not to just me but also my family....(JAN2018 was our one year anniversary) and besides those bad points, he truly is a good person.... I also probably feel bad for him as well because he had a traumatic experience with his father - his father stole money and identity from him got himself in jail, which resulted to him having depression throughout his early adult life, ruined his credit in Europe, etc. I believe this experience contributed significantly to him becoming so materialistic.......


He doesn't deserve you. Really, he doesn't.

His three main characteristics are:

Spendthrift 
Infidelity
Untrustworthy

He stinks.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds like you didn't take the time to get to know your husband very well prior to marriage. Now you're stuck with a man who sounds quite unsavory. Give counseling a shot. See if he actually makes a SINCERE effort to change. I get the feeling he is what he is.  If that is the case, you will have to own up to the fact that you made an error in judgment. It happens.
> 
> Me? I left the husband-of-many-neckties. I filed for divorce. Didn't regret it. Didn't look back.



Thanks again Prodigal. Yes, our marriage is so on the rocks that I basically gave him an ultimatum that if he doesn't arrange couples counselling, then I am leaving. I was adamant that after this mismatch of outlook on finances as well as the infidelity I discovered, I am absolutely done with him if he is not willing to try to save the marriage....So we started the online couple's counselling which I am very dissatisfied with so far as it takes 24 hours to get a few sentences back from the counsellor .... Anyway, one of the things he brought up as I mentioned this difficulty in our differences in spending habits and other issues... He mentioned that I am "moody". He basically dismissed all the reasons why he made me upset : him spending hundreds and thousands for himself only while my savings depleting, combined with the anxiety over being in a new place and not being able to work etc etc the list goes on, he thinks I am just being "moody", and doesn't acknowledge the things he does are what makes me upset .....that my reaction is a result of his behaviours a lot of the times....Now I am starting to even believe him that my upset feelings are not justified and I am a moody person....yet when I post my concerns/ those incidents to these kinda forums, I get a lot of empathy and sympathy from people online.... and that he is an a**.... is he like this because he is a narcissist???

I am so confused and yes, I am very aware that I likely made an error in judgement..... Few months ago, my heart was so broken and I was so crushed with all the things I experienced so far in this marriage, I even wanted to check myself into a hospital...... But now I have enough strength and want to try everything and explore all aspects from every angle before I decide that I do really need to leave this marriage....


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am never one to give scorched earth advice, but with everything you have said, I'd advise you to file for divorce and take take what's left of your savings and go back to Canada. He wants to shop on Rodeo drive and he only makes 110k a year, thats insane. I hope he realizes only suckers actually shop on Rodeo drive. Those high end flagship stores are there for reputation and branding only, not because they actually make a profit. They want to make people with "new money" shop there (or old rich guys trying to impress their mistresses). But someone who makes 110k a year is not new money. Eventually people with new money also wise up. Celebrities love to be seen there.... but they don't actually buy anything, pretty much everything designer is gifted to them because it helps with branding and marketing(translation, making people like your husband think they need it). You sure he has 60k in the bank? Between the prostitutes and the shopping its probably a lot less now. I don't see any reason for you to invest more of your heart and your money into this relationship.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

S-wife's materialistic tendencies basically killed our already frail marriage. While our combined income was very very comfortable, it was her mentality about material things that really took me over the edge. When you're in your late 50s and empty nest and try to plan for the future, which includes another decade of work - we don't mind it it's easy - her retirement idea was another 6000 sq ft McMansion in a nice place. Which left less money and a lot less energy post retirement for travel and experiences, my passion. 

The current 6000 sq ft McMansion s going on the market in a month or so after handyman John and an army of expensive tradesmen are done with it.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Who knows? Maybe you are moody, but you seem to really have a solid handle on this situation. He was unfaithful to you first off. You could have bounced then but you didn’t. You would have been completely justified. But now you are recognizing that he just may not be a good person. Narcissists who make fun of people who don’t buy designer brands aren’t terribly fun to be around. I find people like that repulsive generally. You seem reasonable, responsible and practical. Trust your instincts, Ignore the online counselor.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Know what causes moodiness, OP? 

Living with a spouse that cheats, lies, and blows through money, all while being openly condescending and trying to convince you you're crazy. Yessir, that can make you moody as hell.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Know what causes moodiness, OP?
> 
> Living with a spouse that cheats, lies, and blows through money, all while being openly condescending and trying to convince you you're crazy. Yessir, that can make you moody as hell.



Hi everyone,

Update. I am sitting in a hotel I just checked myself into. Alone. My husband and I have been on our "good days" the last few days since he came back from Vegas. I missed him lots and I guess he did too. Tonight, I was getting dinner ready and I asked him why he hasn't shown me his new limited edition Nike shoes he ordered....(yes I did have some suspicion that maybe it was an even higher end brand would have been more $$$). He eventually showed it to me and I asked him how much he spent for all his new shopping in Vegas. He said around $1500. I have a feeling it was more like closer to $2000..... Anyway, I was shocked. I said "Wow, you really did take yourself on a shopping spree". The $1500 doesn't include whatever he spent on for food and drink etc while he was in Vegas..... I had mentioned to him in the past that he needs to have a budget. And that if he DOES end up spending a lot for whatever he bought, he needs to have discipline and refrain from shopping for a while...... I was truly happy that he got himself all the nice new things because it means so much to him..... (he DID come back with a pandora charm for me but that was it....he did have me in mind....) but I needed him to be mindful that $1500 is more than 10% of his monthly gross salary that he just spent on material goods....I am also NOT wishing that he spent just as much on me because that is absolutely ridiculous based on his income + our savings..... All I wanted to hear was for him to say something along the lines of "YEP, I know I kinda went crazy with shopping so I won't buy anything until June at least".....but No. He said that I am trying to start a fight again. Please, believe me, at no point did I ask him why he needed all those things or express that he needs to return any of it. All I wanted to know was his budget/ plan on his shopping discipline for the next few months but he just started to get extremely defensive and started to yell at me saying that I am a manipulative person, waiting for him to spend all this money, just so I can get him in trouble after...... Then he started to guilt trip me that he deserves all this because he works so hard and if he doesn't, then what is it for....... I was so upset with the way he was yelling all of a sudden when I wasn't even being confrontational.... Then he started to question me what have I been doing all day and that he is the one with the job and I should just go and get a job at a bar..... (he is fully aware my previous job was in finance which required a university degree + national registration in Canada after passing two exams to be a trader for investments i.e. stocks and bonds.....) and basically said I shouldn't have wasted any time and should have at least gotten a bar job if I want an income that badly......when I gave up my promising career to be with him..... 

I said that is it!!!!! (Yes, I did overreact but in my opinion, he started to get extremely aggressive with me, so I couldn't take it any more....) So I said we need to part ways because we are obviously a terrible match.... and brought up divorce and that I am spending the night else where tonight...... He didn't even stop me. He didn't even look upset when I started to unload my clothes and belongings to my suitcases.... All he said was that I need to keep him posted as to when I leave the USA so he can make sure he takes that day off so I won't steal his belongings......(i.e. his Guccis, Louis Vuittos, etc etc).....when I NEVER even charged anything more than groceries on our joint credit card......

I told him that I can't be in the same house tonight and booked a hotel and left..... I still have to go back and order boxes etc to pack and figure out how I am moving out of the USA and at the same time, I am still in awe and can't believe that he never even tried to stop me or ask me to stay..........

I am devastated.... How can someone be this cold? I have been nothing but loyal to him and gave up everything to be with him and this is how it is..... Also, he is 5 years older than me ( I am 30 but people often think I look like I just graduated from university) and not to be full of myself but people think I am good looking and often say jokingly that "I can do so much better than him".

I do think that I overreacted but I think he started it in the first place.... He accuses me of being crazy but I think as a wife, knowing how much my husband spent and also being surprised/ upset for him to spend $1500 in a blink of an eye is not abnormal.....Because I was in Wealth Management before, I always think about the long term and other aspects such as married couple with only one income, wanting to become a home owner, eventually have kids, our parents both outside of USA etc which would cost flight money etc.

Please feel free to tell me that I am being unreasonable because that's what he thinks I am.... He thinks I should be grateful to be able to live in a beautiful condo with him and the fridge is full.......

But again, it is hard for me to feel financially secure when all I can do is view his bank accounts, and have a credit card I can use (which I never use anyway, other than for groceries), we do not have a joint account, I don't get monthly $ given to me (which I will probably save for us anyway)...... I used to have a full time job and my own income..... I am starting to think that if I WAS employed already, then it just would have given him more freedom to shop, etc while I paid 50% of everything else (rent, groceries, etc). 

I mentioned that because I am still not employed (job hunt only began about FEB2018), that he really should be mindful about saving for him but for US, retirement etc, our goals home, kids one day etc, but most importantly be ready for a house that we want to buy etc. But I think he spends as though he is still single because I NEVER spend money (for example, I've only gotten one hair cut in the last 12 months) and I have my own savings if I do need to.....

Since I've checked in to the hotel, he hasn't even texted or called to check on me.... The last time I spoke to him, he said he was reading on info about getting a divorce.....

Someone please tell me this is not worth being upset and this person + marriage is not worth saving.....I am an empathy and I tend to care too much about everything in my life.... I wish I can just skip away from all this or someone please just tell me that I am insane just like my husband tell me...... He says he would have never gotten married had he known it was going to be like this and all I can think about is that it is same for me...... I've already spent 11K of my own savings and 85% is for things we both got to enjoy like vacation, nights out, etc. He got a tax refund recently for 11K and guess where all that went? into his own savings. 

I am so lost and devastated this is how my 1+ year of marriage has been.......


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Update. I am sitting in a hotel I just checked myself into. Alone. My husband and I have been on our "good days" the last few days since he came back from Vegas. I missed him lots and I guess he did too. Tonight, I was getting dinner ready and I asked him why he hasn't shown me his new limited edition Nike shoes he ordered....(yes I did have some suspicion that maybe it was an even higher end brand would have been more $$$). He eventually showed it to me and I asked him how much he spent for all his new shopping in Vegas. He said around $1500. I have a feeling it was more like closer to $2000..... Anyway, I was shocked. I said "Wow, you really did take yourself on a shopping spree". The $1500 doesn't include whatever he spent on for food and drink etc while he was in Vegas..... I had mentioned to him in the past that he needs to have a budget. And that if he DOES end up spending a lot for whatever he bought, he needs to have discipline and refrain from shopping for a while...... I was truly happy that he got himself all the nice new things because it means so much to him..... (he DID come back with a pandora charm for me but that was it....he did have me in mind....) but I needed him to be mindful that $1500 is more than 10% of his monthly gross salary that he just spent on material goods....I am also NOT wishing that he spent just as much on me because that is absolutely ridiculous based on his income + our savings..... All I wanted to hear was for him to say something along the lines of "YEP, I know I kinda went crazy with shopping so I won't buy anything until June at least".....but No. He said that I am trying to start a fight again. Please, believe me, at no point did I ask him why he needed all those things or express that he needs to return any of it. All I wanted to know was his budget/ plan on his shopping discipline for the next few months but he just started to get extremely defensive and started to yell at me saying that I am a manipulative person, waiting for him to spend all this money, just so I can get him in trouble after...... Then he started to guilt trip me that he deserves all this because he works so hard and if he doesn't, then what is it for....... I was so upset with the way he was yelling all of a sudden when I wasn't even being confrontational.... Then he started to question me what have I been doing all day and that he is the one with the job and I should just go and get a job at a bar..... (he is fully aware my previous job was in finance which required a university degree + national registration in Canada after passing two exams to be a trader for investments i.e. stocks and bonds.....) and basically said I shouldn't have wasted any time and should have at least gotten a bar job if I want an income that badly......when I gave up my promising career to be with him.....
> 
> ...







Also, I know I am sounding desperate but I am also from a very good family, my family is not poor, my father has an executive position in the middle east and I am by no means trying to hang on only because I have nothing else. It is not the case. I just thought we were in love and that's why I came here in the first place. I just didn't know it would turn out this way.... I have obviously won the medal of honour of being the biggest absolute idiot.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> 
> Someone please tell me this is not worth being upset and this person + marriage is not worth saving.....I am an empathy and I tend to care too much about everything in my life.... I wish I can just skip away from all this or someone please just tell me that I am insane just like my husband tell me...... He says he would have never gotten married had he known it was going to be like this and all I can think about is that it is same for me...... I've already spent 11K of my own savings and 85% is for things we both got to enjoy like vacation, nights out, etc. He got a tax refund recently for 11K and guess where all that went? into his own savings.
> ...





Also, the tax refund he received was because he now has a dependant..... But I've been pitching in as much as I can from my savings....


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Also, I know I am sounding desperate but I am also from a very good family, my family is not poor, my father has an executive position in the middle east and I am by no means trying to hang on only because I have nothing else. It is not the case. I just thought we were in love and that's why I came here in the first place. I just didn't know it would turn out this way.... I have obviously won the medal of honour of being the biggest absolute idiot.


No, the biggest idiot would be a woman who sticks around in the same miserable situation and expected it to change. You are balancing not being a quitter with recognizing sunk costs and getting out.

This man seems to have treated you as a purchase, a possession. He is no more attached to you than he is to his watch. If it goes, he buys a new one. He'll be online 'shopping' for a new date before you are even legally separated.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I honestly don't think you know who he really is.

My exH (married 23 years) was always completely irresponsible with money and I spent all of my years with him nervous about the gobs of money he would spend.

He would buy 3 pair of $300 shoes and then tell me not to buy one thing - not even groceries for 3 weeks because we had no money!

If you think it's getting old now - believe me - it gets a LOT worse! 

And he gets mean by calling you names? Uh, no can do - that's not loving or kind!

This guy may have loads of history you don't know a thing about! My exH was trying to fill a void - his mother left him at age six and signed off parental rights to 3 kids under six years old! He will always have a bad image of ALL women!

You can change this dude! Go back home and beg for your job back. Leave this behind and get your glorious life back on track!

I ALLOWED my exH to steal my peace of mind - I shouldn't have! He was also manipulative, controlling and narcissistic. 

You don't want to live this way! Life is too damn short! 

Now - life is SO good. I don't ever worry about those things I used to constantly worry about. I go where I want, with whoever I want, for as long as I want. 

There is a freedom when you have peace of mind - this guy isn't handing you that... he a liability instead of an asset.


And BTW, my exH was super attractive and the MOST charming thing to anyone who met him. What a farce! He also cheated more than once - and that's when I took him to the cleaners! He's got to pay me support money FOREVER - and I'm not remarrying!

I made sure he had to have a life ins policy in my name in he divorce appears too!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do yourself a favor - divorce him.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> I honestly don't think you know who he really is.
> 
> 
> 
> This guy may have loads of history you don't know a thing about! My exH was trying to fill a void - his mother left him at age six and signed off parental rights to 3 kids under six years old! He will always have a bad image of ALL women!




You are right in a way..... He only told me AFTER we were married and I relocated to the USA about his estranged father who stole from him who he hasn't spoken to in over 15 years......I used to always ask him what happened with his father but he always shrugged it off as "I don't want to talk about it"..... I figured something bad may have happened like his father cheated on his mom and left the family but never did I think he was a criminal etc that conned his own son and friends + family members and actually had to do time in jail..... He also only told me AFTER we were married that he has had depression throughout his adult life and is on anti-depressants......This is a whole another story I have not mentioned in my posts so far...... Needless to say I was extremely upset he never shared these things with me before we got married and felt betrayed/ conned that he withheld this information from me........


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Therelocatedwife said:


> the even bigger issue I am referring to is his infidelity with prostitutes while we were in a long distance relationship. I found out by snooping one day after he took off after we came home after a night out and went drunk driving over to a friend's house and I could no longer trust him. I found evidence that he slept with prostitutes from the beginning stages of our LDR and the last attempts based on text messages were a couple of weeks before he proposed to me..... I am in deep pain about this and not ready to discuss on this forum yet.... Yes I did get tested and I am fine for those of you that are worried...... and yes, I know most people would have left by now (I found out in October) but I have been looking for ways I can over come all the bad things I've experienced so far as divorce will bring lots of shame + humiliation not to just me but also my family....(JAN2018 was our one year anniversary) and besides those bad points, he truly is a good person.... I also probably feel bad for him as well because he had a traumatic experience with his father - his father stole money and identity from him got himself in jail, which resulted to him having depression throughout his early adult life, ruined his credit in Europe, etc. I believe this experience contributed significantly to him becoming so materialistic.......


This is alarming.

Why did you overlook his infidelity? Why did you overlook his troublesome history with his father? Ample signs were there but you overlooked each.

He is a good person? Never realized that an immature, selfish jerk (with infidelity tendencies on top) represent a good person until now. 

Lady, you were fishing for trouble actually. 

You claim that you hail from a decent family and yet you chose this jerk for marriage? Something is amiss here.

I am not quick to advice divorce in my responses but your complaints/disclosures suggest that this marriage is not going to work; you risk ruining yourself in the process.

Recommended course of action:-

1. Look for *Individual Counseling* (You need counseling in regards to making informed choices in your life)
2. File for divorce


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> This is alarming.
> 
> Why did you overlook his infidelity? Why did you overlook his troublesome history with his father? Ample signs were there but you overlooked each.
> 
> ...



Hi,

Thank you for your response. 
I need to point out that I didn't overlook the infidelity or the history with his father..... Especially the infidelity....It is an on going struggle and have caused a deep deep wound which may never heal.... I am still having trouble digesting this very difficult and painful fact and I was absolutely devastated and have been since my discovery.... I was angry, sad, and everything you can think of.... But I loved the man so much up until this point and plus the fact that I was in a new environment and isolated, my family and friends not in the same country, I gave up my life and career to be with him, sold everything I owned, we were moving States, and my commitment to marriage etc etc somehow convinced me that I need to try couple's counselling and everything else before I leave.....Not to mention the fact that I was so devastated I couldn't even bring it up to him for one whole month after discovery... The thing about his father, I also didn't know until after we were married.....I found this out first when he told me about 6 months into our marriage......I can't leave my husband just because of his history of his father......10 months into our marriage I find out about infidelity while we were in a long distance relationship.... And I am fully aware that I made a big mistake in marrying this man.... Had I known all the facts, it wouldn't have been the case.. But this is where I am.. And I appreciate everyone here who are helping me go through this. Of course, I am not ready to tell my friends or family what has been really going on.....People around him adore him and have no idea about any of this. I am sure I will be painted as the crazy person if this marriage ends.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hi,
> 
> Thank you for your response.
> I need to point out that I didn't overlook the infidelity or the history with his father..... Especially the infidelity....It is an on going struggle and have caused a deep deep wound which may never heal.... I am still having trouble digesting this very difficult and painful fact and I was absolutely devastated and have been since my discovery.... I was angry, sad, and everything you can think of.... But I loved the man so much up until this point and plus the fact that I was in a new environment and isolated, my family and friends not in the same country, I gave up my life and career to be with him, sold everything I owned, we were moving States, and my commitment to marriage etc etc somehow convinced me that I need to try couple's counselling and everything else before I leave.....Not to mention the fact that I was so devastated I couldn't even bring it up to him for one whole month after discovery... The thing about his father, I also didn't know until after we were married.....I found this out first when he told me about 6 months into our marriage......I can't leave my husband just because of his history of his father......10 months into our marriage I find out about infidelity while we were in a long distance relationship.... And I am fully aware that I made a big mistake in marrying this man.... Had I known all the facts, it wouldn't have been the case.. But this is where I am.. And I appreciate everyone here who are helping me go through this. Of course, I am not ready to tell my friends or family what has been really going on.....People around him adore him and have no idea about any of this. I am sure I will be painted as the crazy person if this marriage ends.


You're welcome.

You sound like a decent woman and definitely wifey-material. A sensible husband would cherish every moment with you and treat you like a princess. 

So he *concealed* his DARK HISTORY from you before marriage? I was under the impression that you were aware of his history before tying the knot.

Under what circumstances did you meet him? Were you finding it difficult to make your ends meet on your own? Did you attempt to understand his behavior, habits, history and company better before tying the knot? 

I advice people to consider "engagement" before tying the knot. _Engagement period_ make it feasible to get to know your partner better.

One can be sympathetic towards the issue of troublesome relationship with a parent but this isn't an excuse for lacking in "personal development" unless much of the environment was toxic around him.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You're welcome.
> 
> You sound like a decent woman and definitely wifey-material. A sensible husband would cherish every moment with you and treat you like a princess.
> 
> ...




Thank you again LegendaryMan,

As I mentioned earlier, I do win the medal of honour for being an absolute idiot.....
He DID NOT tell me about the infidelity, I found out when I snooped his iPad when I had a gut feeling that I shouldn't trust this man.....this was 10 months into our marriage... the thing about his father..... I am coming from a family of no divorce. My grand parents have been married for over 60 years, my parents have been married for 35..... I was always always curious about what happened with his father and constantly asked my husband what happened with him but he would always shut down and get extremely frustrated+upset whenever I brought it up... I knew that there was some deep painful past there but thought that maybe his father cheated on his mom or he was an illegitimate child etc..... since he would always get upset about it, I eventually thought he will tell me when he is ready.....Needless to say, when he finally told me 6months into our marriage, I was shocked. He also only told me that he has depression and that he is on anti-depressants several months into our marriage....

Before marriage, I was completely self sufficient and had a great career in Wealth Management when I met my husband..... I met him at a bar.....he picked up my umbrella as I was rushing to leave and dropped all my things accidentally..... we ended up becoming friends.....this then turned into a long distance relationship as he was only there for business...... He lived in California, I lived in Canada on the west coast...... I was a complete workaholic at the time, I rarely allowed myself to meet anyone, saw my family about once a year, and he absolutely charmed me....it was like this breath of fresh air in my busy working life that used to be packed with stress of wealth management, crunching numbers, investment trading, etc etc. I had also only ever dated people my age or younger, so his older / more mature persona and the attention he gave me all the way from California (always texting me, calling me daily, etc etc) really made me fall for him.... we facetimed each other daily for hours and made sure we saw each other at least once a month (we each paid for our flights etc by ourselves, never did I need to rely on him for anything financially....) we would see each other 2-3 days each visits, and some months for a week etc.... yes we DID have a discussion of being exclusive and he was almost the person who asked for it.....And I absolutely made sure I remained loyal to him......because I am a person of my words. Honesty and integrity are some of the most important things in my life.......After one year of LDR, he proposed. I didn't see this coming at all nor ask for it but of course, I was in love and flattered.... I said yes. I thought may be it was a bit too soon but he also convinced me that the LDR is not sustainable etc and that we will have a wonderful life together....... Before I knew it, he spoke to his lawyers and he said to me that he was advised it was in our best interest to be married asap for immigration purposes.....(another long story). So we were married on paper one month after he proposed, I was moved in with him 3 months later........ Not knowing at this point at all about the history with his father, his depression and him being on anti-depressants, him sleeping with prostitutes, last and attempt or successfully seeing one 2 weeks before he proposed (all I could see was his text messages to two different prostitutes so I don't know if he ended up sleeping with them or not in this occasion...).

While we dated, I met all his friends+colleagues. He works in a corporate office and him and his colleagues seemed very successful and like normal descent people...He is adored in his group and people seemed to really like him...I am sure if I leave, he will tell others that I am a moody psycho and not let anyone know about the major issues I've had and all the reasons with his material obsession that made me so upset and constantly worried.... He also used to point out about his material possessions as something he accumulated over the years of him being single and having too much $ and time on his hands....He assured me that his priorities will change once we are together etc (which I don't think it has because he is buying even more things now that he has gotten a raise....).

I know I've made a huge mistake. I didn't vet this man enough. I absolutely took everything at face value and didn't question enough and have planned enough..... I now know.... and it's too little too late and I am just so depressed/angry/upset etc etc.... I am ashamed and my family will be as well if this is over.... I've been so naive and I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into this situation....I feel as though we are coming from 2 different worlds. I am all about honesty and caring for people around me. Even if I have strep throat or have trauma over my gold fish dieing, I feel that it is something that needs to be disclosed up front because that is part of who I am... If I need to give up a few things to make someone else happy, I will do so in a heart beat..... I am learning it really the hard way that some people are just not like this....and they only look out for themselves....etc etc..... I know my husband also doesn't have the ability to be empathetic of sympathetic about any of what I've experienced so far.... I think he thinks I have a good life and I am lucky I have a roof over my head....He has only demonstrated so far to me that he doesn't have empathy or responsibility over his action/ withholding of information......

I've been so blind but I think I am starting to see everything for what it is.........


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

keep walking. Don’t look back. Future you will thank you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I can understand feeling embarrassed about your situation, however, surely if you tell your family the truth...especially about the prostitutes, wouldn’t they tell you to get out of there as fast as you can?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> Normally I would have advised joint finances, but alas my personal experience is this is a bad idea if you're not both strongly on the same good financial plan. I love Dave Ramsey's general philosophy (but I'm not quite so militant about no credit cards, if you can be disciplined). Basically he advocates jointly putting together a solid plan which includes no debt, solid savings, and having a budget.
> 
> But when you have different goals or ideas, that doesn't work. My xw has been planning on retiring off of her inheritance which she will receive before retirement age. So she never worried about savings. Even when we had discussions about it, she just honestly has no concerns at all about money being available for retirement. I, on the other hand, have been saving and trying to be careful with spending. It got to the point where I was secretly saving, by slowly increasing my payroll deduction for 401k and IRA. Plus I was stashing cash in the safe at home. She had full access to the safe, btw, it was not me stealing from the family. Anyhow, several times I had to use that cash to bail out things like tuition payments for the kids. Our income 25 yrs ago was average or lower but increased to being very good. Good enough we shouldn't have been struggling.
> 
> ...



Best advice ever.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Therelocatedwife said:


> People around him adore him and have no idea about any of this. I am sure I will be painted as the crazy person if this marriage ends.


Yeah, so what???? What "people" will think you are crazy - HIS friends? Don't make major life decisions based on what other people may or may not think. Make the decisions based on what YOU think. Sounds like that might be one of the reasons you are stuck right now. You are invested too much in what others think of you, including that loser you married.

Okay. You made a mistake. So make it right. Tell your parents what is going on. Tell a few trusted friends. Then leave. Or stay married to this clown so others will think well of you. Your life. Your choice.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Yeah, so what???? What "people" will think you are crazy - HIS friends? Don't make major life decisions based on what other people may or may not think. Make the decisions based on what YOU think. Sounds like that might be one of the reasons you are stuck right now. You are invested too much in what others think of you, including that loser you married.
> 
> Okay. You made a mistake. So make it right. Tell your parents what is going on. Tell a few trusted friends. Then leave. Or stay married to this clown so others will think well of you. Your life. Your choice.




Hi everyone, 

Update. We are indeed getting a divorce. I came home today and husband was ready to proceed with steps for divorce.... He told me last night to please not do anything drastic i.e. book flights to leave etc..... So I didn't speak to anyone about what we were going through...... Husband tells me today he told his mother already (minus sleeping with prostitutes etc, but just the fact that we are not happy etc)....

It's over.


Thank you again everyone for all your support.

I really appreciate everyone's inputs and truly looking out for me and what is best.

I still have a hard time digesting all this and the fact that he didn't fight for our marriage etc, but here goes life.

Take care everyone.... I may post again as I go through recovery process.

Thank you!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband lives way above his income level. I made more than he does so I know how far that money actually goes. I would not be surprised at all if he has a lot of debt and tries to stick you with some of it during your divorce.

My advice to people is that before you marry anyone, share your credit reports, all statements from banks, credit cards, and all bills for the last 5 years. Really get to know eachother's finical history. It would save you from this type of mess.


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