# I'm losing



## recluced (Jul 30, 2011)

Hello everybody, I seem to have a very serious problem on my hands. Yet before I get into that I will introduce myself... My name is R and I really used to always be a very happy and outgoing person. Been married for over 12 years and have 3 kids. 

Lately (for the past who knows how many years) I have been dealing with depression, I feel 'broken down'. I have lost a ton of weight and can realize that I am becoming an alcoholic with tenancies to recluse into my own thoughts to just "get away".

I have come to a realization that I have married a person who I do really love but do not know how to deal with her un-diagnosed NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) As a usually happy, giving and loving person, in the last few years I have been severely depressed. My wife explodes on me for no reason, only sees things from her viewpoint and I have to walk and talk like I am in a landmine field in fear of her freaking out on me. If our teenage boys screw-up, as they tend to do which is kind of normal as I see it, the focus is blamed on me by my wife. 

I feel like I can go on about the mean and condescending ways of her actions towards me and with but I do not like to bash anybody. I have lost tremendous amounts of weight and I like to hide away when I get home. I realize that this is not the proper way of dealing with my situation, but am stuck. I am not me anymore. 

Everything is my fault, I don't do enough for her and I have very dark thoughts. I have been seeing a psychologist and she explains that my depression is due to my chronic back pain and an unhappy relationship. Nothing has been prescribed.

If I hear another "I" or "me" from her I am going to lose it. 

maybe I just need to vent. I do not do anything that I enjoy, and although I make a good living, nothing is ever good enough. 
...Lost for where I am going with this right now, is there anybody who has dealt with this? I'm sure there is. Thank you for your time.:scratchhead:


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If your wife truly has NPD, you have to accept that she will never change. People with this disorder do NOT have the capacity to change. They just don't. So you have to either accept that this is the way she will always be and deal with it or you have to get out of the relationship.

The tough thing about dealing with someone with NPD is holding out hope that if you try harder, you can make them see their destructive, selfish behavior. But they are essentially impaired by their disorder and cannot see how their actions are frustrating and hurtful to others. They lack the ability to be self-aware. My psychologist once told me that when she realizes someone has NPD, she slowly phases them out of therapy because they don't respond to it. They just waste time.

Things will not get better for you while you are drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and it makes your depression worse. 

I am a proponent of working on a marriage and don't think divorce is a good option to start in most circumstances. However, when your partner is a narcissist, there really is no possiblity of that person addressing their issues and changing.


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## recluced (Jul 30, 2011)

thank you for the reply. wow, that is a tough pill to swallow. She has tried to see somebody but says it is crap. I am looking into getting help with my alcohol problem lately, as I have an addictive personality, I have dealt with worse self destructive forces and realize it is not the answer. 

I also believe in keeping a marriage together. yet my parents stayed together in a relationship where my father was cheating the whole time. they split when we were all moved out. I feel the same right now, "for the kids" which probably is not the correct action, but I love my family.

Researching NPD on line has been an eye opener. I feel like I am in a relationship with a 17 year old girl, even though we are @40. 

Is there any help for people with these tendencies? I am not one to just 'give-up' but I am in fear of LOSING my own sanity. 

I also fear that our youngest is developing this as well.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. The hardest part about narcissism is learning to accept that this person who you love is not capable of changing. 

My mother is a narcissist (though not a malicious one) and my husband's ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to accept that my mother cannot change. I am 43 and it's only been the last year that I really let go. It's been freeing. But I had to go through a grieving process. You just don't ever think that there are people out there who cannot change. But some folks just don't have the emotional capacity to see themselves or their actions honestly and folks with NPD are at the top of the list.

Folks with NPD have a range of behaviors - but some of the definining ones are a lack of empathy, needing constant attention or affirmation from everyone, and not having the ability to see anyone's perspective besides their own. My mother means well, but she cannot see the world through anyone else's lenses but her own. She cannot process differences of opinion. My husband's ex-wife is higher on the NPD spectrum. She literally has no care or concern for her children's needs. Everything is all about her. Any time she's nice, it's either for show, or to get something she wants. She's never done anything nice just to be nice. Her two kids (one she had with my husband) exist solely to meet her needs and feed her ego. She sees them as extentions of herself instead of as individuals. She has effectively alienated my stepson from my husband (his dad) by telling him lies about his dad (that he never paid her child support, and other crap that is totally false). Narcissists often work behind the scenes to pit people against each other. They have no problem lying in order to get their way. 

If you do divorce, you need to be aware that your wife will likely try to alienate your kids from you by telling them lies or playing the victim. You should get them in therapy before you do anything and also make sure you have a close relationship with them. A narcissist uses people, even their own kids. I know it's hard to imagine, but it's true. Your kids need to know that they can be real and honest with you. They certainly can't be that way with their mom if she's a N. They have probably been trained to do and think just like mom does, and have put aside their own identities in order to meet their mother's wants and needs.

How old are your kids? 



I'm glad you are going to take care of your drinking. Your wife will use it against you if you decide to divorce, so keep that in mind.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Reduced, I've got an npd wife and I share your experiences and your pain. I do not, however, share Laurae's view of the future. Narcissism can be treated if the underlying core fracture that has triggered the narc defense is identified and worked through. But I will admit that there are a lot of reasons this may never happen. 

The problem with keeping your marriage is that you are on the hook for providing your untreated wife with her constant narc supply. I was doing OK with this until my mom passed and my emotional weakness from her death made it impossible for me to withstand the raging and threats of leaving. I took direct action and now we have moved into the "used up" phase of the narcissist marriage. It's actually not that bad, but I'm not sure it's stable. If you stay on this site I'll check in and let you know.

Likewise, I will be happy to answer any questions since I seem to have dub up all the answers. First, get treated for alcoholism. If you're an alcoholic, go to AA at least once a week. Your depression is from being abused. Likewise the hiding away. Physical fitness and religion are the best antidotes and they are both inexpensive. Take up jogging, join a gym and go to church. Let me know if I can help.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

WOW! Much of what is posted sounds like my husband. I believe that he is also a narcissist and I just realized this within the past two years. It's difficult to come to terms that your spouse may never change. I also am a fraction of what i was before. Through boards like this, and educating myself about this personality disorder, I am becoming a stronger person. Husband decided to leave (again), but for the first time, I feel at peace. Accepting a failed marriage was difficult and scary, but once I did.... WOW! what a relief! Only you know what is best for yourself, but whether you decide to stay with her or not, therapy for yourself may be beneficial. Narcissistic people may change, but they need extensive therapy to find the root of the narcissism. Best wishes for you and keep us posted.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

I disagree with the sentiment that people with NPD cannot change. Only with bipolar 2 and schizoeffective disorder is there no chance of a benefit via medication in their behavior or therapy for their thinking processes. It also seems to me like you have some of your OWN narcissism here in blaming your wife's disorder for the bulk of your unhappiness, when you admit you are also an alcoholic/addict yourself. I think the both of you could probably use some therapy! Has she been diagnosed as having NPD by a professional?

I'm also curious what you mean by she blames you for your teenagers mistakes, can you give me an example of a time that happened?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Talk with your therapist about your wife and ask for an honest professional assessment of how likely someone with NPD improving is. It is highly unlikely she has the capacity to change if she has NPD. It is a very intractable disorder. There is more hope if she has some narcissistic traits but not actual NPD. You are suffering because of this crazy marriage and so I'd hate to see you spend the rest of your life in misery holding out hope for something that is very unlikely to happen. Only you know what she's like.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Talk to your wife about how you feel. If you don't bring it up, then that is on you.

You can call her out when she's being that way but whether she sees it or not, is on her. 

I am of the school that most narcissists don't change. It's a deep character issue.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

With all due respect, if your wife is truly a narcissist, sharing your feelings is an invitation to being french fried before you are cut up into little pieces. 

My counselor says npd sufferers are completely able to improve. The gating factor here being that there has to be a genuine desire to change. My wife says she's OK (and I'm not) and she has already made more than her share of changes for our marriage. She forgot to share any of these changes with me. I see her the same as ever except a little more amplified and persistent now, but not completely out of character.

Btw, my wife is starting to blame me for anything she doesn't like about out 9-yo (oldest) son. Mostly what she doesn't like is anywhere he doesn't meet up to her (adult) expectations and any reply or defense to her abusive, hurtful and unfair verbal antics.


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## Neosisyphus (Apr 2, 2014)

I'm apparently a slow learner I'm almost at 18 years in a marriage that has left me a shell of my former self. I've only figured out this summer that my wife is probably NPD.

I only figured it out after driving past a town named Gaslight and I knew I had heard that term used as a verb, so I Googled it. The responses were like a veil being lifted from my eyes.

I can sympathize with those who say they are blamed for their kids' problems. One of the things I hear all the time is that we wouldn't have the problems we have if I just "supported her more." I've spent years being incredibly conscientious about not contradicting or challenging her in front of the kids (to be honest, I rarely do it in private either because I've become so passive over the years). It just makes you want to pull your hair out!

Like one of the posters mentioned about their mother above, I think she generally means well, but her effect on the rest of us is really toxic. It would almost be easier if she were just evil, then I would have no qualms about packing up the kids and getting out.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First thing is first, STOP DRINKING.

This alone is probably the biggest threat to YOU and your marriage (even if your wife was perfect).

Second, there is no way in HELL that you can possibly be blamed for EVERYTHING. That's just extreme and simply impossible.

Third, DO NOT talk/deal with your wife when anger is in play. Tell her you will talk to her when she chills out and have a sound conversations that adults should be having.

Lastly, you need to point out to your wife that you are not always wrong and you are getting tired of being blamed for everything (it's taking a toll on you and you are reconsidering your marriage). <<<<<<aka communication


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello Neosisyphus, 

The thread was poster over 3 years ago. You can still find some help from others with experiences as yours. You might post your own thread in the Physical & Mental Health Issues section. 

Good luck


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