# Disrespectful daughter



## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi

I would appreciate any feedback if anyone has any advice. I have 2 daughters, one is 20 years old with whom I have a good relationship, she is loving , kind and very understanding and over the years has never disrespected me. I also have a 17 year old daughter with whom I sometimes have a good relationship but mostly have a very troublesome relationship. 

Over the years she has often disrespected me and recently it has esculated. When her sister and her were younger and lived under the same roof there were a lot of fights between them and the younger one had a tendancy to be more physically aggressive towards her sister to the point where the older one would lock herself in the room to get away from her sister. 

My 17 year old and I often have shouting matches and they go something like this: I say I can't do something or allow something for eg. pay for her to go to gymn or let her have friends over that weekend. She will stand and shout at me, saying it's bull**** and go on a full verbal attack of how terrible I am.

The truth is we are battling financially and already behind in some of our accounts because my husband is self employed and doesn't always have enough work on. 

When I try to discipline her for her disrespectful way by telling her she can't have friends over or go out she tells me she will go out. If I tell her she needs to stop talking to me in such a disrespectful way she will tell me she isn't and that she is just defending herself and standing up for herself and start accusing me of all sorts of things. 

I'm told I am useless, stupid, a bad mother and anything else nasty she feels like throwing. The other night I had enough of her shouting and belittling me because I couldn't do or give something, I had tried to reason with her why I couldn't afford it and it only ended up in a shouting match, she threatened to start smoking and the shouting got out of hand, after she insulted me one too many times I smacked her across the cheek (I haven't done this to her before). She turned around and hit me hard in the face with what felt like a closed fist and lifted her hand to hit me a second time but she stopped herself. I shouldn't have smacked her across the cheek and apologized for that. It shocks me that she can hit me but some may say it shouldn't shock me because I shouldn't have smacked her across the cheek.
Years ago I can remember giving her one smack on the backside for rude behavior and she turn around and hit me on the arm.

The truth is I am at a point that when she finishes school I want her to move out and live somewhere else because I am tired of her behavior. She doesn't care how she talks to me and will say what she wants because she feels she has a right to. Her sister has tried talking to her about her behavior but she doesn't see any wrong in what she does and points to me or her stepdad as being the problem. She did stay with her aunt and uncle for a short time during the time that my husband and I were having problems in the marriage but her aunt and her had a fall out because of her behavior which was disrespectful. I did insist that she make amends which she did so there is no relationship problem there.

My husband who is her stepfather usually leaves the house or room when an argument starts between her and I because he doesn't like the way she talks to me and he feels if he stays he will end up smacking her on the backside. She doesn't respect him either because he did go thru a period where he was out with friends a lot and drinking this caused problems for us and also in their relationship although he never lifted his hands to her or me when he was drinking. He has since made steps to stop this behavior and our marriage has improved.

She has a good relationship with her real dad but he is medically boarded and lives with family in another province so only gets to see him about 2 times a year although he does phone her often.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

All teenagers eventually come to the realization that they are people, and that their parents don't really have any sort of authority over them. When "because I said so" just doesn't cut it as a reason anymore. It sucks, but you have to learn to coexist and compromise. Most families adapt to this change, some find it a lot more difficult. 

I had a look at an old thread of yours, about your husband's drinking habits and how he would behave. It's great that things have picked up for you guys, but it really wouldn't surprise me if your daughter was influenced by his behavior at that time. It doesn't matter if he wasn't physically abusive. Being a target or witness of emotional/verbal abuse can have the same long term impact on a person and manifests in different ways. Anger, in this case. 

Have you ever spoken to your daughter about this when you're not in the middle of an argument? Have you considered counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I attended a lecture in which the speaker was a psychiatrist discussing how meds affected the ADHD child when he was asked about the out of control child. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "I always wonder how that parent allowed the relationship to become so disconnected and tense. A parent must have a good relationship with their child in order to influence that child's behavior."

Try Active Parenting of Teens. It teaches parental authority through negotiation expectation.

Active Parenting Publishers | Active Parenting of Teens

Secondly, if your relationship is that bad it is vital that you find a way to have positive encounters with her. Praise her for everything she does well or right. Find an activity you two can do together that is positive. Teach her to make a cake or something and make the activity fun, goofy, silly. Find ways to laugh with her, connect with her. Ask her to tell you about her favorite movie, band, song... Ask her to talk about her friends and what she likes about them. Get to know her, the real her, the her that she shows other people and not just the her that battles with you.

Apologize for slapping her. Explain that you do not want to be the kind of mother who slaps her children. Take full responsibility for blowing it. Do not expect her to also apologize, although if she does that would be great. 

Explain that you WANT to have a good relationship with her but you are first and foremost the Mom and while there will be disagreements you two must learn to work through them without such passionate arguments.

At some point she figured out that you accept the way she talks to you and it blossomed from there. 

Do not accept her being disrespectful. This also means that YOU keep your cool and speak to her gently and respectfully.

"Can you say that again without the nasty tone of voice?"
"I wasn't nasty!"
"I didn't say you were, I just asked you to tell me again without the tone of voice that sounded nasty to me."
"I wasn't nasty!"
"We can talk about this some other time when you are better able to modulate your tone of voice."
And then you walk away.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi

Thanks for the feedback. You right there is a lot of anger, she has told me she is very angry with me and doesn't respect me because of my husbands behavior in the past and she blames me for allowing it. She feels I as the parent should have given her a better life. She is also angry that her real dad isn't there for her as in physically close by, years ago she wanted to live with her real dad because of my husbands drinking but her Dad said no and I think it's because he was not able to cope with her mentally and emotionally (he was having shock treatment to his brain)and since then health wise he got worse. I did fail her in many ways, in the sense that I was too scared to leave because of the financial situation and so yes I understand that she is very angry with me.

I will definitely try the approach you mentioned Anon Pink. When we are not at war we get on pretty well. It's just that she is very demanding and constantly wants things to go her way, putting a lot of pressure on me if they don't and refusing to listen to me if I try disciplining by not letting her go out eg. If she is disrespectful to me and I say "you won't be allowed to go out with friends on Friday because of the way you spoke to me" she will stand and shout at me telling me she will go out. I think the key is not to get drawn into the argument.


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## One2One (Aug 1, 2015)

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this at the moment.

My advice is to have a mother daughter day. Go out for a coffee, away from the house. Speak to each other, and discuss the past, present and future.

I understand by reading a few comments that you had a difficult marriage a while a go and your daughter was around all of that.
You need to reassure her that you love her and explain why the marriage carried on etc, discuss the importance of not giving up and trying hard to fix your relationship - as you are now with your daughter.

There seems to be a lot of resentment from your daughter towards you because of that time. She needs reassurement.

On another note, she cannot carry on disrespecting you the way that she is and she will be learning that she's kind of getting away with it.

You need to make it clear to her that you love her (I'm not saying you don't make it clear by the way :smile2: ) but that her behaviour will have consequences.
I think you should take things away from her until her behaviour improves. Change the internet password so that she doesn't have access to it. Remove electronics etc, she has to earn these back.

I think your husband needs to be by your side when you have these discussions, he is your husband and has responsibility too.
She needs to realise that you and your husband are united and are a team.

Would it be beneficial for your husband and daughter to go out one day and do something fun and discuss things too?
Has he ever spoken to her about his own behaviour?

I really wish you all the luck in the world.

Keep us updated  xxx


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Your husband has to help you in this. You cant manage on your own. You havent really told us how they get on together. You have to make sure she respects him. Maybe you should set a better example. His running away from trouble is not the answer.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

She tolerates my husband but I wouldn't say she respects him as he has done a lot of emotional harm with his drinking, she and him do sometimes get along fine (their relationship is very much up and down). The thing is he can be spiteful towards her and usually this is after him and I have had words or she has been difficult or they have had words. Sometimes (not all the time) he can be rude to her and I usually will step in and tell him not to talk to her in that way because it's hurtful. She is quite a sensitive person despite the anger inside her. I have also gone to her and hugged her and sat down with her when he has made her cry because of his way of speaking to her. She has told me the reason she doesn't respect him is because of the way he has behaved towards me in the marriage. I think her and I clash more than him and her. He does try to do some nice things for her like they went and had breakfast last Saturday and he has started teaching her to drive. 

He told her 3 years ago that he knew heol had messed up and that he was sorry but would make some changes ( I will admit I did tell him he needed to apologize to her for what he was putting her through). Unfortunately he didn't so he didn't keep his word to her. He has never really had a heart to heart with her about his behavior, his attitude is she is a child and he doesn't need to explain to her. He isn't the sort of person who says sorry to even me.

She has told me that she feels I should be punishing him more for the way he has treated me but I tried to explain to her it doesn't make things better if I am going to drag things out and be vindictive because he has behaved selfishly by staying out and drinking with friends. In fact it would make things worse because he would end up taking his mood out on her and I and be spiteful and not do things for her or just stay out more.

I have been making more of an effort to do things with her and not to complain. Yesterday we had a good time at the shops (her and I). I realize she is also in her last year of school and very stressed about the end of the year exams and whether she will be able to find a job. So I am trying hard to encourage her. The other night she wanted friends to stay over and I said No and to my delight she didn't have a full out war with me. Initially she said why so I gave her my reason and she actually stopped asking me. Obviously every time won't be as easy but I will do my best to not lose my cool. 

One of the reasons my husband doesn't step in when her and I argue is because he says he will lose his cool and truthfully he does more damage, he cuts her down with words to the point that she is broken emotionally because he attacks her personally. I do need his support but have found it is better for him to agree with me on the punishment for the bad behavior eg. not being allowed to go out etc. Although that doesn't mean he can't tell her that her behavior is unacceptable.

Thank you all for your advice , it's been most helpful.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

you right, she does struggle with relationships, most girls at the age of 17 have a boyfriend. She is always interested in the ones that aren't interested in her and not interested in the ones that are interested. And if she does manage to have a relationship with a decent boy she pushes him away when he gets too close as she says it feels weird. I feel she really needs counselling to overcome the emotional damage but can't afford it at this stage. I've tried to encourage her telling her she is worth being loved and should only accept a relationship where she is treated with love and respect. Sadly I haven't walked the talk so that would have affected her too and ofcourse she hasn't had a father figure showing her she is wanted.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I can only repeat what I have said. You are a threesome in trouble. That is no good. Reading more and more of what you write I think the whole answer lies with your husband. He seems to be the key. He somehow has to get on better with her. Your daughter is torn from all sides. By the way how does your older daughter get on with him. If she gets on well maybe she can help.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

I agree, my husband is the key. There is no conflict between my husband and older daughter, I think the fact that she had a boyfriend , someone to love her and friends that she could escape to helped so she didn't have to deal with it as much as the younger one. Unfortunately he doesn't see that he needs to fix anything and says she needs to change her behaviour so it's a case of getting no where with him. My older daughter doesn't live at home and left home straight after she finished school. She has tried talking to him about his attitude and behaviour but of course he doesn't see himsfelf as needing to take responsibility and behaves as nothing is wrong, which infuriates my younger daughter. I think my younger daughter and I just need to get counselling and try to work thru the issues because we can't rely on him to do his bit.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Perhaps you are going about it the wrong way with your husband. He is a lot older and she is his stepdaughter. As far as he is concerned she has to conform not him. You have to knock their heads together. If you and your older daughter cant talk to him then you will have to find someone who can. He must be made to understand that things cant carry on as they are. I am sure that if he 'gives' in a bit your daughter will give in a lot more.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Your daughter is holding so much resentment but she shouldn't be so disrespectful to her mom. Given her age she is being immature and not able to resolve the issues due to the family background. Maybe you can put more patience in fostering your relationship with her, as she is now old enough to not listen or walk away and the only thing that can hold a daughter to her mother is how good the relationship is.

Aside of developing a positive relationship, be calm and firm and don't allow disrespect. Whenever she gets too much, tell her you don't accept this way and that you can have the talk again after cooling down. Then walk away.
A parent over spoiling her kids can ruin their capacity to grow up and resolve relationship conflicts. If she does not learn to respect and talk decently, she will have trouble in her future relationships.


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