# Surprisingly conflicted after mediation



## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Seven years ago I found out about a 2nd affair involving an emotional affair between my husband and the same co-worker twice. Wanted to leave, but stayed, in large part, for the kids. We did give it a heck of a try (marriage counseling, books, workshops) for quite a few years until I left last September. I have no doubt that it wouldn't have happened again, but the first two times managed to wipe out any romantic love I had for him, despite his being very romantic and doing everything right after the fact. (He is a wonderful guy, believe it or not - just may as well be my brother at this point, if you get my drift...) Since leaving, life has definitely NOT been a bed of roses, but luckily, I knew it would be pretty rough even before I left. I never had the unrealistic expectation that it would be blissful freedom or anything even close to it. It's been very tough for all of us but I still felt like my decision was the right one. Until.....

We had our first mediation appointment yesterday and the mediator commented from the get-go that he couldn't believe we were there and how refreshing it was to see a couple care so much for one another and work so well together....yadda, yadda, yadda... Well, we were there for only three hours and by the middle of it, he had my husband step out in order to speak to me privately and proceeded to tell me that he didn't feel right continuing the process until discussing with me if there was any way I'd consider reconciling. He felt very strongly that there is still much love on both sides and that we were in the wrong place. He was practically urging me to put things on hold.

My first question is this: has anyone ever heard of a mediator doing such a thing? I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone when he was urging me to reconsider, but oddly enough, when we arrived in his office I actually DID feel like this was all wrong, despite the messy soap opera that has played out since I left and the mess that now exists. (The kids are actually doing quite well, thank God, it's the adult stuff that reads like a soap opera)

I told the mediator that I have had some doubt lately, but that I can't fathom the idea of putting everyone through this hell again by speaking up, knowing that I feel the chances of a successful reconciliation are pretty "iffy". It just doesn't feel fair to gamble with their hearts in such a way. My possible stbx has been devastated and I worried about his being suicidal at some points. Now that he is in a little better place, I would feel like I was being cruel to mention this possible change of heart.

I really don't know what to do. I do know that I have about 7 months in which to figure it out. 

I welcome any feedback - the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Thanks in advance.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Now, i admit I have never heard of that - the mediator acting as a pseudo-counselor.

I was disappointed in our mediator and our mediated agreement (well half of it) is entirely out the window at this point.

I would get your own counselor, if you are considering it and spend 1-2 hours with him or her to really get an unbiased opinion (or 2 or 3 opinions - it is important) on whether you should try to reconcile.

I mean. . .I would hope that nobody just casually files for divorce, you know? I don't think the two of you made it in there like you went down a different aisle at Macy's. And it's normal to still have love for each other during divorce.

There is a compatibility issue that I don't think a mediator can address in 3 hours, just becuase you are amicable. Our mediator said we both seemed like good people too. Doesn't mean we should be married or we even had a marriage for years, you know?

I will say this though (in favor of you trying reconcile) - don't worry about putting people through hell or seeming "wishy-washy" or some image problem like that. No one, including me, would fault you for trying to salvage something as important as your marriage.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I appreciate your insight and agree with what you said. I'm sorry to hear that you were disappointed in your mediator and the outcome.

It's the kids' heads I can't stand the thought of messing with above all. I do need to see how strongly I feel about the possibility of working things out (and being HAPPY) before even considering making a peep. 

Good luck to you with your situation, Scannerguard.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you are very wise to give yourself time to figure this out. 

One thing really bothers me. Why would a man have 2 affairs and then be suicidal when his wife wants out? Such behaviors seem extremely selfish and manipulative IMO. I can't help but wonder if your h has some serious issues he should be working on, individually. 

As for the kids, lots of talking and counseling for them may be in order, even now, to help them understand that things will be o.k. and they are not responsible for--nor can they control--what other people do. A good counselor will help them learn to roll with the punches, and that will serve them well no matter what happens. Consider it. 

I'd definitely talk with a good counselor (or more, as already suggested). As a stranger hearing this, I cannot even imagine giving your h another chance. I know I would feel that he clearly cannot be loyal, and trying yet again would suggest there are no consequences for his disloyalty--so why SHOULD he change? It would feel like I was inviting more trouble in the future. I would also have no respect left for someone who did this to me twice. But, it is your life, and you have to make the decisions you can live with. I'm not trying to judge you if you feel differently, just saying that I'd totally understand why you would not want to give him another chance, if that's what you decide. I'm sure others will see it differently. Good luck!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m only just beginning to appreciate the effects of emotional dishonesty in my marriage. I think if the partner goes outside the marriage relationship for honest emotional expression then there is no authenticity or fidelity in the marriage. And neither is there in the person who has the emotional affair. It’s exceedingly damaging to the marriage. My wife’s emotional honesty about our marriage and about me was reserved for our youngest son. Looking back I can see that she was emotionally dishonest with me and therefore our marriage lacked authenticity and fidelity.

I think I know what you are going through. I very much doubt that he’ll change as it’s become habitual behaviour. My wife is not getting another chance. She has no clue of the damage she did to me so there is no guilt or remorse and would therefore do it again.

Bob


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> It's the kids' heads I can't stand the thought of messing with above all. I do need to see how strongly I feel about the possibility of working things out (and being HAPPY) before even considering making a peep.


Well, I can understand your apprehension.

Guess what kids will focus on if there's 99.99% chance you'll divorce and .01% chance Mom and Dad will reconcile? Yup. It is said sometimes 40 year old adults, years after their adults, confess to their counselors that they still fantasize about Mom and Dad getting back together, even though know it's a silly fantasy.

I would keep any such chances private and not discuss them with the kids, if you decide to go through with it.

And I'll end with that I neither hope you reconcile nor I hope you divorce but rather what brings you both peace and happiness.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, I can understand your apprehension.
> 
> Guess what kids will focus on if there's 99.99% chance you'll divorce and .01% chance Mom and Dad will reconcile? Yup. It is said sometimes 40 year old adults, years after their adults, confess to their counselors that they still fantasize about Mom and Dad getting back together, even though know it's a silly fantasy.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. I just talked for a couple of hours (and cried) over lots of coffee with my best friend and that was the one thing I was telling her I am most adamant about - the kids can't know unless and until it is something we are committing to 100%. We discussed the idea of maintaining separate residences and slowly having more contact, then maybe dating for a while and seeing what we feel our chances might be to put things back together. I am going to take time with this, as I said before.

Thanks again for another very wise response and I really appreciate the well wishes. Same to you, SG.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I’m only just beginning to appreciate the effects of emotional dishonesty in my marriage. I think if the partner goes outside the marriage relationship for honest emotional expression then there is no authenticity or fidelity in the marriage. And neither is there in the person who has the emotional affair. It’s exceedingly damaging to the marriage. My wife’s emotional honesty about our marriage and about me was reserved for our youngest son. Looking back I can see that she was emotionally dishonest with me and therefore our marriage lacked authenticity and fidelity.
> 
> I think I know what you are going through. I very much doubt that he’ll change as it’s become habitual behaviour. My wife is not getting another chance. She has no clue of the damage she did to me so there is no guilt or remorse and would therefore do it again.
> 
> Bob


I'm so sorry to hear that you went through it, too. Her lack of guilt or remorse has got to be like pouring a pitcher full of salt into your wounds.  

I hope you are able to find happiness again.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

I decided that during the time that he and the kids are on vacation, I'd really devote some time to thinking things through and considering the pros and cons of each path I could take at this point. Tonight an awful thought occurred to me........what if my former friend (with whom he is currently on vacation) gets pregnant? He has not been fixed. He has ZERO idea that I am or would ever reconsider reconciling. As far as he knows, I am 100% done, because that is exactly what I conveyed to him from the day I left, believing that I was. 

Gulp.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

So, we're going through with the divorce. Mutual decision, but still stunned and shaken up by the finality of it all. I'm feeling so much guilt for leaving and destroying our family - I can't help but think I should have just stuck it out for a few more years. The rest of my daughter's childhood would have been better, I feel. 

Thanks, everyone, for all of the advice. On to the next steps......coming up with more damn money to fund this sad process. (does that not seem like the most ironic thing ever?? lol)


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

See my thread on finances. . .since the decisions is mutual and mediators can really vary in their skill. . .I would steer you both towards a collaborative divorce.

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Thanks, SG. We actually already finished the whole mediation process the day the mediator urged me to reconsider. I wanted to get it done, regardless of whether or not we ended up going through with it. It would have been too difficult to have to sit down for that process again to finish things up.

We were both very pleased with how everything went and walked out of there feeling like things went fairly and how they should have gone. For that, I'm grateful.

We're splitting everything - already paid the mediator, and now just have to pay for the filing fee and the QDROs. (I will check out your thread on finances, however...

My stbx is being pretty darned good about things and I've told him a few times that it would probably be easier if we hated one another's guts! I hope things will remain peaceful for a long time for the sake of the kids and everyone else involved.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

InAPickle said:


> I'm so sorry to hear that you went through it, too. Her lack of guilt or remorse has got to be like pouring a pitcher full of salt into your wounds.
> 
> I hope you are able to find happiness again.


Hi InAPickle,
I appreciate you taking time out to write those words. A Big Thank You.

Bob


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