# Should I walk away



## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

We've been married almost 17 years. Together 18. 
A year ago he found out he MAY have a daughter that is almost 18. 
They had two DNA test and both were negative. I tried so hard to accept this, but I can't. Reason below.
He says he loves her and talks to her and txt her all the time. 
He said he wants to go to her graduation and without me because he isn't sure she is "ready" for that. She includes our kids in things sends our kids things but never mentions me. I feel like I'm outside a window and looking in at his family. He doesn't talk to her about me. And doesn't try. It's like she's the other woman he's having an affair with. I told him before we got married if this would ever come up I honestly don't know how I would feel, now that it actually happened, It bothers me. 
He doesn't even know for sure she's his. I've told him it bothers me, include me or stop talking to her. We have been married almost 17 years and have 3 kids together. I asked him IF I asked him to stop talking to her and let her go because I feel so bad. What would he do? He said no, he wouldn't because it's not fair to him or her. He's talked to her for a little over a year and has never met her. And I feel he's willing to let me go, to have her in his life. 

We are so good together, but then she is always there. I feel like she has kicked me out of his heart and had stole her way in. I feel so jealous. Why? Am I being stupid. I hate the feeling I get when she txts or calls him. I've told him it bothers me so much that I'm ready to leave. He says he doesn't know what to say to me. 
She has a father that raised her. She loves her "dad" but still doesn't tell him that she MAY have found her biological father. I don't know if my husband has even said anything to her about how I feel. Am I wrong? What do I do? She knows he's married and has a family. Why is she tearing it apart. Why is he letting her. 
Has he made his choice and is willing to let me go over her? 
Am I being unfair? He sees me cry and acts as if nothing is wrong.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You said the DNA tests were negative.

That means he isn't the father right?

What am I missing here?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JEB said:


> We've been married almost 17 years. Together 18.
> A year ago he found out he MAY have a daughter that is almost 18.
> They had two DNA test and both were negative. I tried so hard to accept this, but I can't. Reason below.
> He says he loves her and talks to her and txt her all the time.
> ...


Well I'm having a hard time accepting it too.

Looks like he's lying , at least to me.
If I was in your position , most likely , I'd walk because he's acting like it's over between both of you.
But only you could know if you should walk away after 17 years.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

But he can't be her father if 2 DNA tests were negative??

Did you see the test results or did he just tell you that they were negative? If so, why??


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

"They had two DNA test and both were negative".

"He's talked to her for a little over a year and has never met her".

Is your husband living in Fantasyland? This whole situation doesn't make sense to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Two negative DNA tests? He's not the father. What else has he got going on with her?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Two negative DNA tests? He's not the father. What else has he got going on with her?


It sounds so strange. I feel for you. It sounds like he wants this child to be his daughter for some unfathomable reason.

What is the story with the mother? 

If he cannot understand how you feel, I see why you'd like to leave. You feel abandoned, betrayed and second best. 

At the same time, if there are other people trying to break up your marriage and manipulate your H, don't give them this satisfaction. You need to dig deeper and find out what the real story is.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You have been married for 17 years and together for 18

so I'd be asking when and with whom he supposedly, maybe made this daughter.....that means he was being unfaithful to you doesn't it.

But TWO DNA tests negative. Never met her. How were 2 DNA tests done? 

At the very least it sounds like a scam - maybe she is out to get money. 

But he hasn't met her and has this extreme desire for contact with someone he doesn't know, probably not related to at the expense of his ACTUAL 3 children and wife.

If he is close to his Family - then I would enlist their help in giving him a BIG dose of reality. It all sounds fishy and completely ridiculous to those of us on the outside looking in.,

If you are thinking of walking away...then get smart and get your ducks in a row. Find out where all the assets are. Open your own bank account a completely different bank from your current joint account bank. Figure out what all the rules are for Alimony and Child Support in your State. 
I'd be doing these things regardless of walking away - so you know you aren't being taken advantage of by this supposed daughter and your gullible husband.


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

tacoma said:


> You said the DNA tests were negative.
> 
> That means he isn't the father right?
> 
> ...


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well I'm having a hard time accepting it too.
> 
> Looks like he's lying , at least to me.
> If I was in your position , most likely , I'd walk because he's acting like it's over between both of you.
> But only you could know if you should walk away after 17 years.



I think he's lying too. He covets his cell and won't let me look at it. He takes it everywhere with him. 
I think my intuition is right, he's lying about something. What, idk. Maybe he's secretly talking to her mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

frusdil said:


> But he can't be her father if 2 DNA tests were negative??
> 
> Did you see the test results or did he just tell you that they were negative? If so, why??


He hasn't shown them to me. I've asked him this morning so we'll see if he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

Pinkpetal said:


> "They had two DNA test and both were negative".
> 
> "He's talked to her for a little over a year and has never met her".
> 
> Is your husband living in Fantasyland? This whole situation doesn't make sense to me.


I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to think he's always doing something. I've followed him for 18 years with his career In The Air Force. I haven't had ANY time to make a retirement for me. 
I think I'm going to leave. It's been a year. I've tried for a year. I'm done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JEB said:


> I think he's lying too. He covets his cell and won't let me look at it. He takes it everywhere with him.
> I think my intuition is right, he's lying about something. What, idk. Maybe he's secretly talking to her mother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What type of phone does he have?

Do you have access to his phone records?
Then check the history of texts and calls.

Do you have access to his facebook account? Emails?

What about financial [ credit card ] records and bank statements?
Can you get access to them?
Do you have a joint account?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JEB said:


> I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to think he's always doing something. I've followed him for 18 years with his career In The Air Force. I haven't had ANY time to make a retirement for me.
> I think I'm going to leave. It's been a year. I've tried for a year. I'm done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you have the right anger finally. Are you willing to give him a clear and final chance on this?

I think it would look something like this: You tell him that no matter what the real truth is in all of this, there are things you NEED from him in order to continue in the marriage.

He gives you the results of the DNA tests immediately. He hands you his phone right this moment. You get to hang onto it for 24 hours, or longer if you like. (You look through it very carefully, and if anything comes in such as a text message you will see it). He gives you every password to every email, social media, online bank, etc. (You should install a keylogger on the computer prior to this confrontation).

You call the other mother and talk to her. Ask her when she and your hubby were together. Ask her about paternity testing of the girl. See what kind of spidey sense you get on her, e.g. is she a scammer.

Set some strong boundaries with your husband. If this girl is not his (which appears to be the case) he ceases all contact with the girl and her family. Completely.

You and he get into marriage counseling this week. Even if it is inconvenient or one of you has to call in sick to work, you go. Use the free EAP (Employee Assistance Program) from work if you want, and you can be certain that it is truly confidential in every way. I believe you need someone to confirm to you that you are not nuts, and he needs someone with credentials to tell him he is not acting rationally.

Though this is not a typical infidelity situation, it is certainly him being severely distracted from his real family. It feels like an addiction or obsession, and thus I think it needs the really strong boundaries with severe consequences in order to perhaps shock him back to reality.

Now that you are ready to end your marriage, you may be able to save it. He needs to make the strong effort because you cannot do it alone.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> You have been married for 17 years and together for 18
> 
> so I'd be asking when and with whom he supposedly, maybe made this daughter.....that means he was being unfaithful to you doesn't it.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I was thinking. Is he sending her money? That would be the biggest clue right there.

If he is merely texting/communicating with her, it would seem to be an emotional issue either with her or her mother.

If he is sending money to her and/or her mother, then I would submit that is a scam, using the "emotional attachment" for financial gain.

Either way, the H needs to snap out of it and face reality. The child isn't his. He owes her nothing. There is no connection.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

AND he has THREE ACTUAL CHILDREN that he needs to be concentrating on. 

I'd be taking over every single financial thing. And getting my ducks in a row. 


btw - I had an acquaintance who had an old girlfriend contact him last year regarding a child he supposedly fathered. I told him it was total bullshyt and that I bet they were out for financial gain. He was one of those dumba$$ guys that talked up himself on facebook as though he were financially well off and had his shyt together. (none of which was true) And as soon as the supposed daughter came to his nasty condo (that he inherited when his mother died because his siblings knew he'd be on the street in a box if they didn't give it to him) and his failing business to see that he was full o shyt she then informed him that the supposed DNA test was inconclusive and dropped all contact lmao.


ANYWAY - this day and age DNA tests are 99% conclusive period. Easy and inexpensive to do. 
You have every right to see the results of the tests. Where was it done, what lab. HOW was it performed. I bet there wasn't any test.
And you can certainly demand one. 

Lots of people look similar and aren't related. 


YOU need to get out of the fog you are in and become the Lioness and protect your cubs! You have your and your children's futures to think about and prepare for. I'd be getting all the facts on ALL financial transactions...house, mortgage, car, investments, life insurance, health insurance, all debts and all assets. THen do some investigating on what the ALIMONY and CHILD SUPPORT laws are in your state. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
If you can get online to post in TAM you can do web searches to find out the FACTS.

And I would remember that we have a little whisper when things aren't right - hairs on back of neck, tingle in the throat...you know what I'm taking about. You need to learn that your first gut instinct is rarely wrong.
Good luck.


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

Thor said:


> I think you have the right anger finally. Are you willing to give him a clear and final chance on this?
> 
> I think it would look something like this: You tell him that no matter what the real truth is in all of this, there are things you NEED from him in order to continue in the marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

JEB said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you all for you're help. I really appreciate it. 
I'm leaving him, going to a divorce lawyer friday. I've had enough. I'm 36 have a great career and beautiful. I can do this alone. 
So thank you all for everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JEB said:


> tacoma said:
> 
> 
> > You said the DNA tests were negative.
> ...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

He lives in complete fantasyland, I don't think he's lying he' s only escaped reality, fantasy is his reality.
And there is a pedophile issue too, she's 18, but he's much older than her.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

JEB said:


> Thank you all for you're help. I really appreciate it.
> I'm leaving him, going to a divorce lawyer friday. I've had enough. I'm 36 have a great career and beautiful. I can do this alone.
> So thank you all for everything
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck to you. The more information you have prior to seeing attorney, the less cash it will cost you. Do the things I said. Be prepared. Get all your financial issues squared away...before you serve him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm not sure if I should even be on this forum/posting here as a man...but here it goes.

He has absolutely 0 reason to even communicate with her. Tell him that there is an ENTIRE world of kids that don't have fathers/parents, HE CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD.

You need him to focus on you, kids and his family....not some random stranger kid.

Time to draw a fine line/boundary IMO.



JEB said:


> Thank you all for you're help. I really appreciate it.
> I'm leaving him, going to a divorce lawyer friday. I've had enough. I'm 36 have a great career and beautiful. I can do this alone.
> So thank you all for everything
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ohh wow, just read above.

I think above is a little extreme. Have you made him aware that this relationship he is having with a stranger is unacceptable/outside of boundaries?

Assuming you did.....

Be careful with "great career and beauty", I know these are great assets to have but are rather dangerous when looking for new significant other.

Finding a great person with great career and looks is as difficult for women as it is for men (it goes both ways).

I would probably recommend taking good year or so to heal etc.....LONG before you think about new relationships etc.



Unique Username said:


> Good luck to you. The more information you have prior to seeing attorney, the less cash it will cost you. Do the things I said. Be prepared. Get all your financial issues squared away...before you serve him.


That is a such wrong/bad way to do things.

I would say, sit down with him and tell him what you are planning on doing. See if you guys can get to mutual agreement on splitting things up.

Be reasonable and don't take advantage of the justice system (that is wrong and remember about karma).

Remember, at the end of the day it's the lawyers that make out the best in divorces......


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## JEB (Mar 23, 2014)

Thank you all for ur input. I appreciate it. 
I gave him one more chance last night. He chose her. Its over. 
I move out his weekend.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I believe everyone deserves a 2nd change, but not 3rd.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JEB said:


> I'm leaving him, going to a divorce lawyer friday. I've had enough. I'm 36 have a great career and beautiful. I can do this alone.


Best wishes to you and hope things get better for you after.
You might need some counselling or at least a few books to help you in the future.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

JEB,

You just might want to stick around here for a little longer. With everything that's headed your way, you will get invaluable advice and support from many here who have already walked that road.

Please let us know how your visit to the attorney goes...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> JEB,
> 
> You just might want to stick around here for a little longer. With everything that's headed your way, you will get invaluable advice and support from many here who have already walked that road.
> 
> Please let us know how your visit to the attorney goes...


:iagree:

Maybe she should PM one of the moderators and ask them to move her thread into the _Considering Divorce or Separation_ sub forum.


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