# Many Addictions (mainly sex) I want to get better! Help if you can



## rider

I have been reading and there are a bunch of posts like this, but i will give you my lowdown.

I have an extreme addiction to sex, look for it constantly, invades my thoughts, lately it has been affecting my work life in the form of a porn addiction taking up all my work hours (i work from home and from a private office).

What really worries me lately is that apparently i am waking up in the middle of the night and groping my wife in my sleep, alcohol aggravates this, so I stopped drinking during the weekdays, but it still goes on. I have ZERO reccolection of all of this and therefore cannot think of ideas to stop it.

My relationship with my wife has been totally physical in my mind lately, and this has been ruining the relationship.

I also drink too much and occasionally smoke pot and take pain killers. The pain killers are kind of addicting, but the pot is a monthly type thing (i am 26).

I have a great wife, great job, two loving kids (2 and 4) and everything on the outside looks cheery. After coming to this forum and reading up though, I am worried about over sexualization and porn addiction. When i think about sex lately my pulse rate changes, etc. That has never happened before.

Everything is more or less OK right now but the addiction is a MAJOR strain on my marraige. I want to quit the porn and find a way to address the urges in a more healthy manner. So i guess the questions is:

Has anyone else on here gone through quitting porn? I am thinking of having my wife install and password protect our PC's. But I work in computers so I don't think it will work.

Anyone else had nightime groping issues?

What do you guys do to get better? Sex anonymous, therapy? My wife and i are in debt (another addiction) and climbing out, so money is an issue right now. (though i would sell my extra car to kick this). 

Any input is appreciated, i need to kick these habits before it affects my work or ruins my marriage. I do love my wife, and want this to get better. Today is the first time i have realized how many of our problems are my fault.


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## preso

on ships, the men are often given salt peter, you should ask your doctor about taking a regualr small dose and taking it until you get some therapy so you can think stright and find ways to deal with 
your obsession while your mind is not clouded in porn and sex.


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## rider

Well harr, ye matey! I guess i could just smoke a bunch of pot until then, has a similar effect (j/k).

I have contacted several counselors. It seems that most of them are very religiously affiliated though (i do live in west michigan which has the most churches per capita in the US).

I just want to solve my problems without evangelists in the room!


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## preso

the problem with pot is it will ruin all your motivation including finding ways to help yourself.
not a good idea

and you do need something to curb your sex drive until you can seek professional help. 
fist stop should be your family doctor, tell them you want someothing that does the opposite of viagra without making you
a blithering idiot...
and ask for refereal to someone for help as to how and why this addiction has gotten so bad.


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## rider

Was kidding about the pot. And though i don't like the idea of off-label use of prescription drugs, I am losing some hair and it seems that propecia is the best of the off label inhibitors. So i might check that out.

My urges are completely controllable and i am on a journey to knock porn out of my life which i think is a big factor here, and also to focus on intimate moments with my wife instead of physical moments, i will post that progress as it happens.

What makes me feel terrible is the whole night time groping issue, my wife just shrugs it off and says that she just pushes me away and that i cannot help it as i am asleep. But it's the whole issue of me not having the ability to control the behavior.

My wife and i have been involved in more heightened sexual activities lately, sex toys, lingerie, etc. But i think that is normal as long as it is treated properly (and especially normal for a maturing relationship with 2 kids, spice is good). For instance my wife has some persitent nausea and so we will occasionally use a vibrator when she wants to be intimate but is not physically able to engage in partner sex. But when you read reviews on some of those sites and then get involved a bit in the culture of toys, it is a trigger for me.

It's a lot of things that i will be talking about at some SAA meetings and with a counselor. Just thought i would begin my admittance and rambling here!


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## rider

preso said:


> and you do need something to curb your sex drive until you can seek professional help.


Also, could you provide a little background on this? Is it from personal experience that you recommend a medicinal cure? This seems to not be the reccomendation of the doctors and therapists that i have researched and corresponded with today.

I have been sexual active at this level for over a decade and the only problems i have had are infidelity (though not in my marraige), porn, and constantly wanting sex - which strains the marriage. 

I don't post here because i fear that i will endanger others, but because i want to provide a better environment for my marriage, i just didn't think that drugs were the answer for this one.


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## preso

rider said:


> Also, could you provide a little background on this? Is it from personal experience that you recommend a medicinal cure? This seems to not be the reccomendation of the doctors and therapists that i have researched and corresponded with today.
> 
> I have been sexual active at this level for over a decade and the only problems i have had are infidelity (though not in my marraige), porn, and constantly wanting sex - which strains the marriage.
> 
> I don't post here because i fear that i will endanger others, but because i want to provide a better environment for my marriage, i just didn't think that drugs were the answer for this one.


many of the anti depressants have the side effect of stopping sex drive, I know this not from personal experience but professional experience as a medical professional.
They will do nothing about making bad choices or infidelity.
Drugs in combination with therapy has a high success rate...


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## martino

You have it together enough to work and raise kids right? forget the anti-depressants and learn to manage your behaviors. 

Start systematically reducing everything until it is nearly non-existant. You have addictions (porn is the least serious imo) what are addictions? behaviors with negative consequences. Reduce or stop them if you can and reward yourself with healthier alternatives (vacation, new car etc)

Google search: Self behavior management authors like: Howard Rachlin and Aubrey Daniels, they teach real solutions to these problems in their books.


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## MarkTwain

Sex and porn addiction are a sure-fire sign you're addicted to the dopamine rush. I bet you love your coffee too? Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of anticipation and fulfilment. It's a roller-coaster, but healthy when kept within limits. The fact that you want to do something about it will gradually bring about a change.

The best thing I can suggest, other than taking responsibility as martino says, is to practise meditation. This will boost serotonin without boosting dopamine, and you will start to feel more content.


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## martino

And there you go, meditation would be a healthy alternative BEHAVIOR to porn and other destructive habits. Our lives are behavior patterns for better or worse. You need to create a new history of behaviors that have more desirable consequences. If I sound like i'm simplifying it is because it is simple.


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## rider

Well 3 Years Later and I wanted to check in.

I have been in therapy for 6 months now after my wife had a terrible pregnancy and nerve complications from a c-section. (constant pain, lost 50 pounds in 3 months, looks like a skeleton, etc).

You know after everything I have tried, quitting the pain killers was the toughest, but stabilized my moods quite a bit (I got up to 16 vicodin a day at the worst of it).

Also, the last 4-6 weeks have been a personal awakening and it's been brought on by exercise. It's a great natural rush, provides attainable goals, and is pretty cheap to do.

I trained for almost a month and ran my first 5k.

I still smoke a little pot and when the physical intimacy is lacking i still turn to porn a bit. But my mood is stable enough I am on the road to recovery.

Thanks for the great input from everyone.

---

If anyone cares for the long story the groping/porn addiction came from a lack of intimacy. I found out my wife grew up in a home where the parents basically hated each other, her dad would abuse the kids physically and emotionally. She went to a lot of therapy in High School through the school.

So my wife basically gets extremely anxious about doing anything physical, she just does not understand it and is not motivated by touch. Even hugs and cuddling she could take or leave (crazy for a woman huh?)

Now couple that with me complaining about it in a very angry and non constructive way for years and you have this issue of anger, resentment, empathy fatigue, and walking on eggshells. Why on earth would she want to open up to someone who yells and criticizes all the time.

So the other day I sat down with my wife while the kids were occupied and just flat out apologized for everything. I told her that I was sorry I acted the way I did, i realized that it hurt her deeply, and that I am trying to change. I also said that the issues with her and intimacy are real and they do impact our marriage, but that I am going to try and be calm and constructive while we work on that together.

There were tears etc, but things for the last couple days have been great.

Here is to holding it together...


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## CallaLily

My first question to you is, have you ever been sexually abused? Or abused of any form for that matter? Porn addiction, sex addiction, addiction to pain killers, pot, alcohol, sounds like a way of trying to cope in a world where you do not know how to cope properly.


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## rider

CallaLily said:


> My first question to you is, have you ever been sexually abused? Or abused of any form for that matter? Porn addiction, sex addiction, addiction to pain killers, pot, alcohol, sounds like a way of trying to cope in a world where you do not know how to cope properly.


Yep, sexual abuse as a kid (ages 8-15) . Have not really gotten to that part of therapy yet. More working on relationship triage right now. But managing addictions is a monkey that I am currently getting off my back.

Any suggestions? Good abuse threads?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

rider said:


> Yep, sexual abuse as a kid (ages 8-15) . Have not really gotten to that part of therapy yet. More working on relationship triage right now. But managing addictions is a monkey that I am currently getting off my back.
> 
> Any suggestions? Good abuse threads?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand working on the relationship, but one reason the relationship isn't working, is due to these unresolved issues that happened when you were a kid. Those should be on the front burner and will help set the stage for the therapist to help you deal better with that and in your relationship.


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## rider

Let's actually dig a bit deeper with this. I have worked through these issues in the past. I understand that I am overly sexual and both myself and my partner can tell when I wan to be intimate vs just getting my rocks off. It's something I work on daily.

Until recently however, my wife was doing nothing to account for a TOTAL lack of physical desire and intimacy. So I am jazzed that she is taking renewed interest and also trying antidepressants.

I wonder what delving into the abuse issues in therapy would add. I talked to my therapist about it before so he knows, but he never delved into it based on my responses.

Not trying to be confrontational at all but I feel like I have taken the right steps toward mental health. If you think there are specific questions I should be asking or things to be doing let me know.

When my wife and I have normal amounts of intimacy, I rarely even think about sex. Take it away for too many weeks and I look to porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

Are you in therapy now? If so what has your therapist said about the addictions? Have they made any suggestions on things to try? 

Have they suggested AA or NA or possibly SA? Are you seeing a therapist that specializes in addictions?


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## rider

I will definitely talk about it next appointment. I am in therapy now.


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## kbreeze

Rider i feel for ya man and am battling some of the same addictions minus the groping. Porn addition, sex addition, pot, cigarrettes. My whole life has become a routine driven by porn and sex. At work I cruise sex classifieds, then I go home smoke 3 bowls followed by 2 cigarrets and my heart rate gets going in anticaption of porn. This has been my way of life for the last 10 years. I'm sick of it, utterly sick of it but i cant stop.
Anyway i recently saw a councilor and he said to masterbate without the porn. Fantisize all you want to whatever you want just dont use the porn. You can try that I have had some success. Being on the computer all day is not helping either and i have the same problem. In a nut shell i have been advised to look for new hobbies and stay active to get your mind off of it. When I am active I dont obsese to much about sex and porn. I have also been told to change my viewpoint towards women and that they dont have to be sex objects.... thats just me but the porn has created this. Anyway if i can think of anything else i will let you know. best of luck we both need it.


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## Going Mental

You are doing awesome Rider, at the very least you are working on your problems and working on doing all the right things. 110% more than many men would do! Keep it up.


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## rider

Well how about a check in 5 years later!!!

My wife has now suffered chronic pain for 4 years. She has had 3 nerve surgeries, went through pain management with shots and pills galore. And when she got addicted to the pills things got ugly. I helped her quit (as I had) and we got through it with some medical MJ for her. This works ok and lacks the side effects of vicodin. However the pain left her in a deep depression.

We got some couples therapy (just a few sessions) and individual therapy but things were still rough. One day I finally sat my wife down after a giant fight (we were fighting a lot) and said that I am dragging her to a psychiatrist whether she likes it or not. Basically I said "I love you, but all of your doctors say you need this treatment, and you are refusing it. I am going to drag you through this, because you can have a better life if you do it".

I did almost literally have to drag her in, but life is much better not with anti-depressants and she is not able to work on her intimacy issues.

So now that I HAVE intimacy at home, I no longer need it from porn, and my porn use is way down. No more smoking or other drugs either.

I still have a glass of wine every evening (ok two) but life has smoothed out.

I guess the moral of the story is pinpoint the root cause, treat it (no matter how hard it is), and then enjoy your life.

It's been a 5 year battle but I have stayed faithful to my wife through it all and we finally have a calmish home, a reasonable love life, and can communicate freely.


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## Hope1964

I don't think you were or are a sex addict - I think you were sex starved is all.

Thank you for the update, and good for you!!


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## bkaydezz

rider said:


> Also, could you provide a little background on this? Is it from personal experience that you recommend a medicinal cure? This seems to not be the reccomendation of the doctors and therapists that i have researched and corresponded with today.
> 
> I have been sexual active at this level for over a decade and the only problems i have had are infidelity (though not in my marraige), porn, and constantly wanting sex - which strains the marriage.
> 
> I don't post here because i fear that i will endanger others, but because i want to provide a better environment for my marriage, i just didn't think that drugs were the answer for this one.


I think that your sex drive, if manifested in a healthy way would be to your advantage. How often did you and your wife have sex when you were first together? How has it changed?
If you have been like this for over 10 years now, she knew that you were incredibly high with your sex drive right?

Also, with the pills, not a great idea to take them unless you are in true pain. You can cause depression in yourself through an addiction. 

I don't know how to express the thoughts about porn. I never had a problem with my partner watching it. What does your wife say about the porn? 

I cant stress this part enough for your children. They need stability and security in their lives. You are the leader. What you do, say and how you act will reflect them and their personality in their development as a child. This is so crucial.


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## wanttofixit

i've been dealing (not too successfully) with a porn addiction for a while. i know it bothers my wife, leads to feelings of 'why am i not good enough'...which i understand, but it's honestly not the case, she's very attractive and i love our intimate time together. she's also stated that it leads to our sex feeling less intimate on my end, as though i'm working through fantasies instead of being there, with her. that's certainly not what i want, because i do feel 'intimate' when we're together, but if that's what she feels then there's obviously something to it.

i've been trying to get at the root of 'why porn?' and i think a lot of it comes down to frustration channeled to a bad place--stress from work, maybe unrealized ambitions in general, and i think porn is just like an easy stress reliever or something. finding it very hard to give up though, it's just a pattern of behavior i'd love to break. i'll go without for a few days, but then...right back in eventually.

i've been working through a lot of issues lately, mostly related to my infidelity, and have taken huge steps to becoming a better husband and father. porn is the last piece of the puzzle and i'm going to make a real push to cut it out of my life. any suggestions greatly appreciated.


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