# Two week notice



## Pluto2

Today, I went to the attorney's office to sign the final affidavits for the divorce. The judge should sign the final decree in 1 to 2 weeks. So ends a 28 year marriage and a 37 year relationship. I do not miss him, especially since in the last five or six years he became a totally different human from the one I fell in love with years ago. Now he is paranoid, depressed, and manipulative. He's also a liar, a cheat and a terrible father, who hasn't seen his kids in five months. Five months! Never, never, never in a million years did I ever think life would bring me here. I do not want to shed one more tear because of him.

When I was leaving my attorney's office she jokingly said if I ever need her for a pre-nup, just give her a call. I seriously think her services will not be needed. ever.


----------



## angelpixie

Sorry that after all this time together that it ends like this for you, P2. I, too, experienced that change where the person you ended up seems so different from the one you fell in love with, though it sounds like your STBXH is much worse. 

As much as I never wanted to be divorced or to raise any children in a split home, I did not shed a tear on the day of my divorce, either (Valentine's Day, 2013), and haven't shed a tear about the divorce since. Other things, yes, but not the divorce itself. I wondered if, even though I felt pretty hardened towards him, at the final moment, if I'd feel emotional when I stood before the judge. Surprisingly, not a bit. I felt strong, and knew it was the right decision for me, in order for me to be whole and healed, so that I could be a stable parent for our child. Sounds like it might be the same for you. The divorce is just a legal recognition of what had already gone down long before. 

You've shown yourself to be a strong, compassionate person here on TAM. I think you'll see this as the start of things getting better for you.


----------



## EleGirl

People change, sometimes for the worse. I know it's a sad ending. I hope this is the start of a very good rest of your life.


----------



## VeryHurt

Pluto

I'm sorry. Be strong. I'm right behind you. 

Very hurt


----------



## survivorwife

Pluto2 said:


> Today, I went to the attorney's office to sign the final affidavits for the divorce. The judge should sign the final decree in 1 to 2 weeks. So ends a 28 year marriage and a 37 year relationship. I do not miss him, especially since in the last five or six years he became a totally different human from the one I fell in love with years ago. Now he is paranoid, depressed, and manipulative. He's also a liar, a cheat and a terrible father, who hasn't seen his kids in five months. Five months! Never, never, never in a million years did I ever think life would bring me here. I do not want to shed one more tear because of him.
> 
> When I was leaving my attorney's office she jokingly said if I ever need her for a pre-nup, just give her a call. I seriously think her services will not be needed. ever.


I too was married for 28 years. Just two weeks shy of what would have been our 30th Anniversary, the Judge granted our divorce. And you know what? I feel Liberated! Free! Happy even! I am more than ready to move forward. I don't miss him. I don't want to see him. I don't even want to think about him. I have found a rather bizarre source of humor when I do think of the past 28 years and I regret nothing.

So my suggestion would be to move forward with freedom and joy in your life. You are still alive and have family and friends and the freedom to enjoy life without carrying the burden of an unhappy marriage. Life is short. Enjoy your new life!


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks all for the support. 
I'd like to think I am done with him, but with kids I guess you're never done. I honestly don't care anymore about his serial cheating, although after I found out about the extent of his infidelities I was shocked that I was that blind. But his callous attitude towards our kids breaks my heart. 
This past weekend D12 was mauled by a dog. We know the dog and it was a sudden and unprovoked attack. She came close to losing her eye, has stitches all over her face, and will be left with scars. I'd like to think that a father would come to his daughter's side, but then I'd be wrong. She got a phone call and a text. This guy is not working and the only commitments he has are his GFs. I'd really like to grab his head and shake it to see if he has any idea about anything.


----------



## angelpixie

OMG, P2, how horrible for your poor D!! The dog attack and aftermath is bad enough, but to be treated so shabbily by her own dad feels even worse, I'm sure. Oh, I get so angry when I hear things like this. These guys just think with their d!cks, and lose sight of what is really important. I hope he catches something from one of his gf's and it falls off. issed:


----------



## Pluto2

angelpixie said:


> OMG, P2, how horrible for your poor D!! The dog attack and aftermath is bad enough, but to be treated so shabbily by her own dad feels even worse, I'm sure. Oh, I get so angry when I hear things like this. These guys just think with their d!cks, and lose sight of what is really important.* I hope he catches something from one of his gf's and it falls off*. issed:


:rofl:
Thanks I needed that.


----------



## Stretch

AngelPixie,

Based on the pictures you were courageous enough to share with this ragtag bunch, I think seeing you mad might make me giggle because you would probably look cuter than your shared photos.

Just saying,
Stretch


----------



## FeministInPink

angelpixie said:


> OMG, P2, how horrible for your poor D!! The dog attack and aftermath is bad enough, but to be treated so shabbily by her own dad feels even worse, I'm sure. Oh, I get so angry when I hear things like this. These guys just think with their d!cks, and lose sight of what is really important. I hope he catches something from one of his gf's and it falls off. issed:


:iagree:

So sorry to hear about your daughter!!! Sending lots of positive energy her way.


----------



## Pluto2

Short update,
D12 says she can smile and it doesn't hurt! Such a brave one she is.


----------



## Pluto2

Finally, got my order signed at High Noon!

:2gunsfiring_v1::2gunsfiring_v1::2gunsfiring_v1:

The judge called my attorney to apologize for the delay.
Now quickly, he's off my health insurance, off my life insurance and off my retirement account. 
Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) still hasn't seen the kids or paid support. I hear he's living with a new GF in another state, and not working. What in the world could someone see in him?


----------



## Jellybeans

Welcome to the (almost) D club!

Totally understand you on not knowing him anymore (the guy in court that final day was NOT the guy I fell in love with) and on never wanting to marry again.

It's fun on this side though, I can tell you! We have so much fun and we have all survived! 

We are here for you buddy!


----------



## Jellybeans

Pluto2 said:


> Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) still hasn't seen the kids or paid support. I hear he's living with a new GF in another state, and not working. What in the world could someone see in him?


Idk but he does not sound like a prize at all. 

Congrats for getting him off all of your insurance.


----------



## angelpixie

Congrats, P2!!! :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

That's the biggest mystery in these situations, isn't it? What in the world makes these guys attractive to anyone, the way they are now? If I was meeting a guy, and I knew he had kids he hadn't seen in months and wasn't supporting financially, I would NOT be saying "Hmmm, now _this_ is someone I want to get to know better!"


----------



## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> If I was meeting a guy, and I knew he had kids he hadn't seen in months and wasn't supporting financially, I would NOT be saying "Hmmm, now _this_ is someone I want to get to know better!"


RIGHT!? Or worse, even "move in together" SHEESH.


----------



## Pluto2

I wonder if he even mentions the kids. Its not like they're going to drop in and ruin things for him.
I don't wish him to die an excruciatingly painful death involving maggots and wild pigs. In fact I don't wish anything that involves him anymore.


----------



## Jellybeans

That is really sh!tty on his part, Pluto.

You are so much better off. Seriously.


----------



## Pluto2

So true.
The way he's spun his mind, he's the victim (as usual). How dare I not agree to support him while he picked up a couple OW and verbally berated us, When I think back about how it was at its worst, I really wonder why I thought I was supposed to live like that. 
Going out with friends tonight to a local vineyard. It should be glorious.


----------



## Jellybeans

Please drink several glasses for me! That sounds so fun!


----------



## angelpixie

Have a wonderful time!


----------



## brokenbythis

angelpixie said:


> Congrats, P2!!! :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
> 
> That's the biggest mystery in these situations, isn't it? What in the world makes these guys attractive to anyone, the way they are now? If I was meeting a guy, and I knew he had kids he hadn't seen in months and wasn't supporting financially, I would NOT be saying "Hmmm, now _this_ is someone I want to get to know better!"


You'd be surprised at how many desperate lonely skanky women there are out there that would jump at any attention from a loser man like this. Some women have zero standards as long as they have a breathing body next to them to fill the gaping hole of lonliness andlow self esteem.

If I knew a guy had cheated on his wife, or GF, I would run a mile. And any stories of "oh she neglected me, she didn't give me any sex".. yada yada BS... wouldn't make an ounce of difference. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater and they will do it again to you since all they have to do is manufacture their justifications in their little heads.

Shocks me no end.


----------



## Pluto2

I kept thinking he would call and ask to see the kids over Thanksgiving. Or text them and see what they are up to. We've made plans with friends and we'll have a nice time.
But still, how can a father just dump on his children like this?


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto, this is just so sad! How are your kids handling it?

Your Ex is probably like my STBXH, wondering, "Why can't I just be happy?" Well, duh, when you just dump on everyone who loves you, and don't value the relationships in your life, this is what happens. Deal with it -- you reap what you sow, buddy.


----------



## karole

Pluto2 said:


> Finally, got my order signed at High Noon!
> 
> :2gunsfiring_v1::2gunsfiring_v1::2gunsfiring_v1:
> 
> The judge called my attorney to apologize for the delay.
> Now quickly, he's off my health insurance, off my life insurance and off my retirement account.
> Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) still hasn't seen the kids or paid support. I hear he's living with a new GF in another state, and not working. What in the world could someone see in him?


Pluto, so sorry about your daughter. I hope she heals quickly from her injuries.

Regarding you POS Ex, sue his sorry a$$ for the child support. File so that if he ever does get a job, they garnish his wages, take his tax return and/or take any remedies available by law to collect the child support due!!


----------



## familyfirst09

So sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she is doing better now!!
I am almost in the same boat with my ex, he is basically "fun dad" now, doesn't get involved in D's life at all, but he does still take her every second weekend. 
You can gaurentee his sorry azz will come crawling back to you when he realizes what he lost! Do you think its a MLC? Or just plain selfishness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks all.

He will never crawl back. That would require he admit he was in the wrong and that would conflict with his delusion that he is the victim. He has lots of emotional/mental problems. I tried to get him help, but he just lied to the MD then quit going. You can lead a jackarse to water, but sometimes they won't drink because they believe you poisoned the water.

The kids are surviving. My older one has written her father completely off. She acknowledges that he is her biological father, but also says that he does nothing a father should and she is absolutely correct. I don't blame her since the ex literally blamed her for outing his sexting on FB and causing the divorce. That isn't at all true, but it sure didn't help. Honestly, I don't speak ill of him in from of the kids. Occasionally, I will recount a family story from our past and I always mention his part in the story, so its not as though I'm pretending he never existed.The younger DD never mentions him. Isn't that sad. They haven't seen him in seven months. He has no idea how much they were hurt by his mistreatment and now, we have peace. I suppose I should be happy we have that. 
The younger one has admitted that her injuries hurt now and again but gets upset if I worry too much. I keep trying to tell her that is my job and I won't quit for anything. She's not at all self-conscious about the scars. Isn't remarkable how resilient children can be.
I've thought about suing the ex to get the back support. I'd have to go through social services at this point since all my money is gone. They would get the first $500 of anything that's recovered and at this point what is there to get. I honestly don't think he is smart enough to hide money. So I get a judgment that says he owes me. I already have a decree that says he owes me.


----------



## Ceegee

Sorry to hear this Pluto2. 

It's guys like this that give men a bad name. 

After all the fighting I had to do, all the money and time spent trying to get the maximum time with my kids, 

I just don't get people (moms and dads) like this.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto, your kids sound amazing. I hate that they have to go through this, but it sounds like they fully understand this is HIS problem, and they're not blaming themselves.

Like Ceegee, I really don't get people like your Ex. Then again, I also don't get people like my STBXH, who happens to resemble your Ex in a number of ways. There's just something in them that's broken, wired differently. And because they don't know anything different, they don't understand that anything's wrong with their behavior. There's not a whole lot you can do with that, unfortunately.

But he's the one who's losing out on this deal. He's missing out on the chance to have a relationship with his daughters, which is a shame, because they sound like great kids. He's hurting himself more than anything else.


----------



## Pluto2

We had a lovely holiday with good food, good wine and very good friends. When I compare this holiday to two years ago the differences are mind-blowing. No one ran out of a room crying, no doors were slammed, everyone helped one another and laughter filled the house. This is the way people are supposed to live.
My DD is healing well, thanks for all the good wishes.

(and not a call from the ex. My DD had a friend over until 11 pm and was happily distracted)


----------



## Pluto2

I got a text from the ex. He wanted to know what "we" were getting the kids for Christmas. Un-frigging-believable.


----------



## Conrad

Pluto2 said:


> I got a text from the ex. He wanted to know what "we" were getting the kids for Christmas. Un-frigging-believable.


"What did you have in mind?"


----------



## angelpixie

"We" are not getting the kids anything. I've already done my shopping. Merry Christmas!


----------



## Pluto2

I told him that I wasn't sure since money was so tight (five months with no cs)
During the marriage I always took care of all the holidays, and it just amazes me that he assumes that will continue post-D.


----------



## angelpixie

Pluto2 said:


> I told him that I wasn't sure since money was so tight (five months with no cs)
> During the marriage I always took care of all the holidays, and it just amazes me that he assumes that will continue post-D.


Especially if he's not paying any support. Five months!! That's disgusting. Can you report him to any agencies in your state?


----------



## Pluto2

I certainly could report him to social services. He got cash from the division of my retirement and indicated he was going to cash it out. I've given him a deadline to pay all back support, or off to social services I go. He's not employed so when this is money is used up that's likely all the kids are going to get for awhile. 

It does make me wonder what kind of holiday he and the latest gf are going to have.


----------



## angelpixie

Yes -- report him! Before he can say the money's all gone. It should go to his kids before some skank-ass gf.


----------



## Pluto2

I'm not sure what to do, if anything.

My ex called yesterday to give me another story about why I'm not getting my money yet. Part of it was true and the money is coming, eventually. The conversation included another journey into his crazy town about how other people are disrespecting him by not doing what he wants, when he wants it.

Then at the end of the conversation he asked about D16. Now this is the guy who hasn't seen the kids in eight months, not even when D12 was mauled by a dog. But he's asking. He said he texted D16 to find out what she wanted for Christmas and she wouldn't respond. I know for a fact he never did, I checked her phone. He texted about a month ago and D16 didn't respond. So maybe he's splitting hairs. I can't tell if it matters anymore. So I said
"Funny thing. I checked D16 phone and there was no Christmas text"
Ex "Well just ask her to contact me-even with a Hi Dad."
He started crying and got off the phone.

I didn't tell D16 about this, but I did mention that if she wants anything from her father she should let him know. She replied that she wants nothing from him. She's the one who discovered his EA and sexting and he directly blamed her for the divorce. He's said some horrible things to her and she is not forgiving.
Do I just let them work this out? Is he actually trying to show remorse or am I projecting what a normal person would be feeling in this circumstance?


----------



## ThreeStrikes

I think the advice most of us would give you is "Stop answering the calls from him".


----------



## zillard

Pluto2 said:


> I'm not sure what to do, if anything.
> 
> My ex called yesterday to give me another story about why I'm not getting my money yet. Part of it was true and the money is coming, eventually. The conversation included another journey into his crazy town about how other people are disrespecting him by not doing what he wants, when he wants it.
> 
> Then at the end of the conversation he asked about D16. Now this is the guy who hasn't seen the kids in eight months, not even when D12 was mauled by a dog. But he's asking. He said he texted D16 to find out what she wanted for Christmas and she wouldn't respond. I know for a fact he never did, I checked her phone. He texted about a month ago and D16 didn't respond. So maybe he's splitting hairs. I can't tell if it matters anymore. So I said
> "Funny thing. I checked D16 phone and there was no Christmas text"
> Ex "Well just ask her to contact me-even with a Hi Dad."
> He started crying and got off the phone.
> 
> I didn't tell D16 about this, but I did mention that if she wants anything from her father she should let him know. She replied that she wants nothing from him. She's the one who discovered his EA and sexting and he directly blamed her for the divorce. He's said some horrible things to her and she is not forgiving.
> Do I just let them work this out? Is he actually trying to show remorse or am I projecting what a normal person would be feeling in this circumstance?


My interpretation is he is still a POS stuck in crazy town. 

"but he's asking" doesn't mean anything except that you are still falling for love crumbs.

I get it. After driving a POS car with no AC for 3 years I couldn't help but jump for joy once the AC was fixed. 

But it was still a POS - just with AC. 

He has to chose his own level of involvement with his daughter. 

Let it be what it is.


----------



## Pluto2

zillard said:


> My interpretation is he is still a POS stuck in crazy town.
> 
> "but he's asking" doesn't mean anything except that you are still falling for love crumbs.
> 
> I get it. After driving a POS car with no AC for 3 years I couldn't help but jump for joy once the AC was fixed.
> 
> But it was still a POS - just with AC.
> 
> He has to chose his own level of involvement with his daughter.
> 
> Let it be what it is.


A POS with AC. That is so true.
I know I'm worth more than crumbs.


----------



## Pluto2

2galsmom said:


> Stop answering calls for him is right Pulto. I am in the same boat, no CS for year. He "can't" you see I ruined his life and his ability to make an income. THAT is why, well one of the reasons, I do not bother with contact. What happens is on top of the worries of struggling to be the sole provider, I then get hooked into the toxic pattern of guilt that I hurt him or I didn't work hard enough yada yada yada.
> 
> 
> I reiterate, do not respond to his texts, that is the classic denial pattern they try. Let us see if Pluto has stopped her foolishness and we can get back to Hell as normal.
> 
> My family no longer responds to his texts or calls, he dragged them into crazy town.
> 
> Do what you need to do to be healthy, you cannot go out and take care of children and the finances with the kind of chaos and toxicity your ex is heaping your way.
> 
> Others may read this and say what is the big deal, don't project 2GM, but I say I know the score and it is no way to live.
> 
> Then, when you are strong they drag the kids into this. My ex showed up at an elementary school and shoved notes through the gate, left my daughter crying and drove away while all her friends watched.
> 
> Why? Well it is Christmas! It is Christmas! You have to do what they say!
> 
> No contact Pluto. They can take responsibility for themselves, you are too busy taking responsibility for yourself and your children. Talk to your daughter and respect her choices, teach her to stand up for herself, speak for herself and be healthy.


It is still hard, even after all the hurt.
I know in my head that no contact is best, but that naive, open-hearted person keeps hoping that if he's calling it means he might actually care about the kids and want to help. I'm an idiot.
All his call ended up being was shovels full of guilt, and I was feeling guilty because the daughter he treated so horribly wants nothing to do with him. D16 is so smart and while she can cut things to the quick, her heart is kind and her head is brilliant. I have to trust her in this.
When he was packing to leave, I told him the kind of relationship he has with the kids is up to him. I would not fix it. Guess I'm fighting my own words.
I cannot fix it.
I should get more than crumbs out of life.


----------



## angelpixie

Just stopping in to wish you a Merry Christmas, P2!


----------



## Pluto2

angelpixie said:


> Just stopping in to wish you a Merry Christmas, P2!


Thanks! I hope you and yours had a marvelous holiday!
Slight update: The ex has asked to come see the kids. I said yes, since I always thought it would be in their best interest to have two parents in their lives, but I am dreading seeing him again. Oh well, we all make adjustments.

D16 wants to know when I plan to start dating. The thought of dating someone make me want to puke, so I guess that's a sign I am not ready. The D has only been finalized a couple of months, but its sweet that she wants me to find someone.


----------



## Stretch

You might want to have an intermediary get you kids to your X to avoid any triggers.

Happy New Year,
Stretch


----------



## Pluto2

The ex came up and stayed a grand total of 36 hours. He was polite to the kids.
I triggered all over myself. He looked just wretched and complained about not being able to pay his rent. I thought about double-checking that he was getting medical help, but I remembered I am not his spouse. He is a big boy and can go to the doctor if he wants.
When he told me he was leaving, I asked when I was going to get the rest of the support. He looked confused and said he paid. I reminded him that he was five months behind, not two and he said I was wrong. I pulled up the emails from August and he said he could make an email say whatever he wanted. He was going to take me to court to reduce the support. The boy only pays 600 a month for two kids. He wants it reduced to 100 because its not fair that he has nothing. He is a college grad and chooses to work part-time for minimum wage. I'm not going to hold my breath for him to actually take me to court. He also failed to execute the car insurance forms I sent him weeks ago, so I printed them off and had him sign them before he left. Now I don't have to keep him on the car insurance.
So his car registration, and license are out of date and he has no insurance all because its not fair that he has to take care of the paperwork and pay money.
My stomach hurts. 
I should go to the gym


----------



## Pluto2

So apparently its not just that my ex doesn't think its fair that he should have to support his kids, but he blew through the fifteen grand he received on Christmas Eve. I asked where it went and I got some vague BS about he has commitments. That's odd since I was paying all insurance, and his car payment and credit cards. (All have been paid off or terminated). Its just that I know he left the marriage debt free and that he cashed out his retirement and the portion of mine he got in the settlement. Its all gone.

A mutual friend, who is a nurse, saw him on the street and txted me that she was really concerned with how he appeared. She asked if he had hepatitis C or HIV due to the drastic weight loss and poor coloring of his skin and eyes. Not like he'd tell me. I just don't think he's going to make it much longer if he doesn't get help for whatever it is that's going on.
After all he's done to me and our children, I don't want him to suffer.


----------



## angelpixie

Wow, P2, that's crazy! He must have gotten into some crazy debt with someone or went on some binge to go through that much in a little over two weeks. I can't even imagine that. I know you must be worried, but take care of yourself and the kids. It's obvious he doesn't care, or he wouldn't have used all of that money up. He's only interested in meeting whatever need he has at the time, and it's obviously not healthy for him.

((hugs)) I don't know if you feel comfortable telling your friend not to contact you anymore, but you really can't do anything to help him, and it only makes things harder for you. Maybe you wouldn't feel comfortable doing that because of the kids, I don't know.


----------



## vi_bride04

Drug use?


----------



## richie33

vi_bride04 said:


> Drug use?


First thing I thought was heroin. What a disgrace of a father. Like your daughter I hope you find a good man this year.


----------



## Pluto2

richie33 said:


> First thing I thought was heroin. What a disgrace of a father. Like your daughter I hope you find a good man this year.


You and vi b may be right. That was the first thing I thought of when I saw him, but jeez I hope not. He has some heart issues, but this just seemed different. 

I am nowhere close to trying to date, but its a nice thought.


----------



## richie33

Blowing through that much money so quickly.....drugs / gambling would explain it.


----------



## angelpixie

Yeah, those two were top of my list, too, but with his physical condition, I'd say drugs is the more likely choice.


----------



## FeministInPink

Drugs and gambling were my first two thoughts. And considering the cheating and whatever else during the marriage, he's clearly into quick-fix indulgences - reckless behavior that results in that endorphin rush. If he looks sick, drugs is more likely, either heroine or meth.

Like angelpixie said earlier, about this mutual friend - I don't know where you want to draw a boundary, but if she's concerned about him, she needs to be going somewhere else. You're not his keeper. Considering that he hasn't seen the kids, he's not putting them in danger - thank goodness for small favors?


----------



## Pluto2

FeministInPink said:


> Drugs and gambling were my first two thoughts. And considering the cheating and whatever else during the marriage, he's clearly into quick-fix indulgences - reckless behavior that results in that endorphin rush. If he looks sick, drugs is more likely, either heroine or meth.
> 
> Like angelpixie said earlier, about this mutual friend - I don't know where you want to draw a boundary, but if she's concerned about him, she needs to be going somewhere else. You're not his keeper. Considering that he hasn't seen the kids, he's not putting them in danger - thank goodness for small favors?


You and angelpixie are smart to warn about the potential toxic friend, but I don't think that is the case. My friend and her children are extremely close to my kids. She wanted me to know so the kids won't be blind-sided should he continue to decline. But regardless, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

I think he has lost the mental ability to gamble-isn't that sad. He's just not all there anymore.


----------



## angelpixie

Oh, I didn't mean that the friend is toxic, P2. She might really just assume that you care and would want to know, since you were married and have kids together, and not mean anything 'bad' by it. But she isn't seeing that it's not your issue anymore -- because HE made it not your issue anymore. And her continuing to inform you is just making things harder on you.


----------



## FeministInPink

angelpixie said:


> Oh, I didn't mean that the friend is toxic, P2. She might really just assume that you care and would want to know, since you were married and have kids together, and not mean anything 'bad' by it. But she isn't seeing that it's not your issue anymore -- because HE made it not your issue anymore. And her continuing to inform you is just making things harder on you.


Ditto, angelpixie and I are on the same wavelength. 

We all have people in our lives who say the wrong thing, or keep us informed about our ex's behavior, etc., all with the best intentions. They're not toxic; they just don't understand that doing so is inappropriate, or that it makes our experience more difficult. And so we have to draw a line with these people; we have to tell them this is no longer a topic of conversation, and why. A person like this is only toxic if they choose to ignore the boundaries you establish.

Your friend may be concerned about your kids being blind-sided about your Ex's decline, but it may be more traumatic for them to get these types of random interval updates. You're their mom and you know them better than someone on an internet forum (aka ME), so that's up for you (not me, and not your friend) to decide.


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks angelpixie and feministInPink.
You're both correct. Hearing this type of information about a man I spent 37 years of my life with was hard and I am tired of it. Thankfully the kids weren't with me when I spoke with my friend. But all I could think of for days after was that he probably wouldn't be alive when my kids graduate and how terribly sad that would be for them. But I need to remember these are his decisions. It would be great if he loved his kids enough to want to take care of himself. But if he were that kind of man then I probably wouldn't be on this board.


----------



## Pluto2

UPDATE:
Finally, I have an actual employer and address for DDD (despicable deadbeat dad). I need to thank a spy from out of state for some superlative detective work. So I've printed off all the forms and tomorrow I am going to social services to get the paperwork started. I'd love to do this with a private attorney, but I am broked, broke, broke. Since he is out-of-state it also doesn't make sense to do this myself. Social services is not great, but it is something.
Wow, we might get meat this summer!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yay - now we're up to, what - 7 months in arrears? 

Is there a legal aide in your state or the state he is employed in? Maybe have free legal help?


----------



## Pluto2

No help there. My salary is too high to qualify for the free legal aid, but my budget is so tight there's nothing extra left over. So will see how long it takes to get him served. Getting a wage garnishment should be pretty straightforward, provided he doesn't quit the job.


----------



## sherri1997

Congrats. I thought my EX was bad but I am so sorry that you have to deal with him hurting your kids. I couldn't imagine having to explain that to my kids. 

You are a strong woman though and you will shine through this. 

Keep smiling!


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks Sherri.
I haven't told the kids I'm filing. We've had no contact from him since Christmas and I'm feel fine leaving them out of the loop for now. They have enough on their plates with school and friends, I figure they don't need to carry the burden of knowing Mom has to take Dad to court to force him to pay support. They already know he's a hosebag and unless something else happens I'm trying to keep them out of it. All they know is that money is tight. 
In the meantime, its prom time for high school and they all look so lovely.


----------



## Pluto2

So yesterday was my birthday. Not a big deal, but the kids spoiled me and that felt nice.
The ex texted me "happy birthday". I have heard nothing from him in four months. The odd thing is that the last four or five years of the marriage he completely blew-off my birthday-no card, no flowers, nothing. Even last year was silent. Now suddenly he can read a calendar.
I ignored it and had a second piece of cake with the girls.
Wonder what he's going to text when he's served with the support enforcement papers?


----------



## Pluto2

Happy Mother's Day to all the single moms out there.

Still waiting for social services to get something done on the child support. Since he's in another state they said it might take some time. Given their reputation maybe I'll see some cs by christmas.
Oh well, the grass is cut, the laundry is done and I'm going to go have a glass of wine.


----------



## Pluto2

Today I got an angry voicemail and a snippy text from the ex, neither one of which I've responded to. He wants to know why I didn't call him to arrange a payment plan before I involved social services in his business. We had a payment plan called the divorce judgement.

Sadly, as soon as I saw his number pop up on the phone I felt sick. Maybe one day that will end. But right now its just like the stress from living with his verbal abuse has come right back.

Of course I still haven't received any money yet.


----------



## FeministInPink

He's obviously trying to turn this around and place the blame on you. He's clearly in the wrong here. Stay strong, and stand your ground. (And keep that VM and text, just in case you need it later!)


----------



## Pluto2

Yesterday I had several more calls from the ex that I never took. Then there was a call from a different number I didn't recognize and I answered it-it was him. The conversation went sort of like this:

Ex: My work got the garnishment papers. Why didn't you call me to work out a payment plan.
Me: We have a payment plan, you ignore it. I've been extremely patient about this.

Ex; No you haven't. You took money from me in December when you knew I didn't have much.
Me: What I know is that you said you would pay back all the arrears then, and you didn't because you said it wasn't fair.

Ex: I never fought you when you had that outrageous support payment put in the divorce papers.
Me: We followed the state guidelines.

Ex: Whatever, its outrageous. I had to give up my own place because of you. But I'm not blaming you. Maybe I should take you to court and get it changed.
Me: Silence.

Ex: I don't know what's going on in your house, but talk to D17 and get her to contact me.
Me: She's 17 and I won't force her. I resent your implication that I do anything to alienate her from you. I don't operate that way.

Ex; Oh I'm not saying your a bad mother, I've never heard you say a bad word about anyone-but she would talk to me if you did things about it.
Me: Have you tried to call her in the last month?
Ex: You need to tell her I'm a good man and she thinks I made a mistake. We both made mistakes. I want you to acknowledge that I'm a good father, I never hit my kids.
Me: You never hit the kids.

Ex: And I'm a good father. Aren't I, Aren't I Aren't I.
Me: This conversation is over. I have to go.

I really wish I had a VAR. I can't for one minute believe that he would or could get custody. The kids are too old to be forced to move to another state, his situation is so unstable, and he would never make the effort to hire an attorney and fight me. But he sure likes to waive the "going to court" flag in my face when he thinks he'll get leverage and have me back down. He admitted he probably won't see the kids this summer. Yeah, that's a good father. Maybe he'll show up at Christmas.


----------



## harrybrown

So if he is a "good father" wouldn't he pay child support or call his daughter after getting attacked by the dog? 

I may not be the best father and probably a rotten H, but at least I have tried to support my kids. I work very hard to provide.

My wife just thinks I work to much. Maybe that is why she cheated. I work and work to pay the bills and my wife loves to shop. But at least I have tried my best to support the family. I guess that is what I get. Maybe that is a problem for me, but growing up that is what I was told over and over. A father is supposed to do all he can to provide. and that is all that I am good for.

Why didn't your ex H call you to work out his problem before you had to go to court? 

Hope your kids are the best they can be.

Good luck in the future.


----------



## Stretch

Very impressive Pluto!

Way to stand up for yourself.

Keep it up and get what you were promised.

It is up to him to maintain his relationship with his children not you.

You GO Girl!


----------



## angelpixie

I can imagine how tough it was to talk to him, P2, and the physical reactions you were having. But you did great!!! Very proud of you. He needs you to absolve him -- that's why he's practically begging you to tell him he's a good father. And why would he need that if deep down he really thought what he was doing was right?


----------



## Pluto2

angelpixie said:


> I can imagine how tough it was to talk to him, P2, and the physical reactions you were having. But you did great!!! Very proud of you. He needs you to absolve him -- that's why he's practically begging you to tell him he's a good father. And why would he need that if deep down he really thought what he was doing was right?


Thanks for all the support.
Angelpixie, it was unexpectedly hard to have this conversation with him. He would lay blame on me for one thing and in the very next sentence say "but that's ok" or "I'm not blaming you." Of course he was blaming me.

The thing is, I am really struggling over whether to tell D17 that her Dad wants to try to reconnect. I know its his responsibility and I know he has made no effort, other than a tm every two or three months. The thing is, she won't respond. I have discussed this with her in the past and she thinks he could put forth some effort in reconciling. She told me she views him as a sperm donor, but nothing more. Isn't that sad. I did take her to a therapist shortly after he left because her anger was really impacting other parts of her life. The therapist said she was actually handling things well and that forgiveness could come in time if the ex was willing to work on it. Well of course he's not willing to work on a relationship-he just wants her to get over it and he wants me to do the work for him.

Should I keep my mouth shut?


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Thanks for all the support.
> Angelpixie, it was unexpectedly hard to have this conversation with him. He would lay blame on me for one thing and in the very next sentence say "but that's ok" or "I'm not blaming you." Of course he was blaming me.
> 
> The thing is, I am really struggling over whether to tell D17 that her Dad wants to try to reconnect. I know its his responsibility and I know he has made no effort, other than a tm every two or three months. The thing is, she won't respond. I have discussed this with her in the past and she thinks he could put forth some effort in reconciling. She told me she views him as a sperm donor, but nothing more. Isn't that sad. I did take her to a therapist shortly after he left because her anger was really impacting other parts of her life. The therapist said she was actually handling things well and that forgiveness could come in time if the ex was willing to work on it. Well of course he's not willing to work on a relationship-he just wants her to get over it and he wants me to do the work for him.
> 
> Should I keep my mouth shut?


He should have never put you in that position, and it totally sucks. I would think you shouldn't have to say anything to her about it; he's basically asking you to manipulate her and force her to have a relationship with him that 1) she doesn't want, and 2) he doesn't care enough about to put in the effort himself. Even if you DO tell her (which she will, of course refuse), he'll still blame you for not doing enough to convince her. It's a lose-lose proposition for you, so I'd say don't do anything. It's not your responsibility (he's responsible for his own relationships), and she's old enough to make her own decisions (it's not like she's a petulant four-year-old who will hate you later for keeping her from her father).

But take my comment with a grain of salt--I have no kids, and so have never dealt with co-parenting. So mine's the opinion of no experience.


----------



## angelpixie

I would agree with FiP. If he stays true to form (and you have no reason to think he won't), you'll tell her he wants to contact her and he won't. That will stir things up for her again, which isn't fair and doesn't do her any good in her healing process. You're not standing in his way. The rest is up to the two of them.


----------



## zillard

angelpixie said:


> I would agree with FiP. If he stays true to form (and you have no reason to think he won't), you'll tell her he wants to contact her and he won't. That will stir things up for her again, which isn't fair and doesn't do her any good in her healing process. You're not standing in his way. The rest is up to the two of them.


If he wants to, he will, regardless of what you do or do not say.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

It is up to him. My first thought was to pass on the message and let it be. But upon reconsideration, I agree don't stir things up for her. It's been hard enough. No need to pick at the scab.

You even specifically asked him "Have you called her?" - you have basically told him what he needed to do to reconnect. If he can't be bothered to call her, you certainly can't force her to reach out to HIM. Relationships are two-way streets and he's not even trying to meet her half way.


----------



## Ceegee

Not your responsibility. 

Where does it end?

You get her to call him - she gets mad at him and he then expects you to smooth it out for him. 

Don't get involved.


----------



## Stretch

angelpixie said:


> I would agree with FiP. If he stays true to form (and you have no reason to think he won't), you'll tell her he wants to contact her and he won't. That will stir things up for her again, which isn't fair and doesn't do her any good in her healing process. You're not standing in his way. The rest is up to the two of them.


Taking into consideration AngelPixie's intuition, could you send your D17 an email and cc the #$%^&*. Keeping it to the point, "D17, your dad indicated he wants to communicate with you. He'll always be your dad. Love you, Mom."

And don't look back.

Or, my gut tells me to stay silent and let the lunatic rant! He isn't going to stop anyways.

You'll do great whichever way, you've done amazingly so far.

Stretch


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks all for pulling me back.
I tend to agree with every single one of you. If he wants to connect with her, he will, regardless of what I do. He's never been one for putting forth an effort to keep a relationship going, and I suppose for him being a parent is no different.

Part of this is my issue. I tend to think I can fix things and I know I need to stop that mindset. When its my kids and I know what they've already gone through my first reaction is to run in and make things ok. I need to stop that since it really won't help them, or the situation, its me thinking I can control the world. So enough of that.

And the more I thought about what he was asking of me, the more angry I became that my lying, cheating, non-remorseful ex wanted ME to tell his daughter, the very one that discovered his infidelities, that he's "not a bad guy and holding his behavior against him isn't fair." He may never have a clue.


----------



## Pluto2

UPDATE:

Good and bad. I got my first check! DCSE got the wage-earner order filed and in place at the ex's work. So I get support from here on out (or as long as he agrees to work). I asked about the arrears and would you believe they suggested I ask him to pay extra. I laughed......... If he ever files his taxes I could get his refund. But DCSE isn't too keen on breaking a sweat to get the arrears. It remains on the books where it will likely stay for a very long time.


----------



## FeministInPink

Well, that's something - at least you'll get the support moving forward. Good luck getting the arrears :/


----------



## Bluebirdie

Glad you got something from him Pluto! When will the D be final?
How are you feeling?


----------



## Pluto2

Hi BLuebirdie,
Our D was final last October. The decree even set forth his arrears as of that date, he just didn't see the need to pay. He wasn't working at that time so I was unable to get a wage withholding plan back then. I was a bit flabbergasted that the court would enter the decree that way, but he never filed an answer and waived service. To do anything else would have required effort on his part, and he's not willing/capable of that. 

I had an MD appointment this week during which my doc (who is very nice) told me in a polite sort of way that I was getting old. I've marched into the next age bracket and routine tests were order although she kept telling me I was doing fine. She knows what we've been going through the last couple of years and was the person who helped me get the ex to a psychiatrist back when I was willing to work on the relationship. Anyway, she said that is was apparent that my stress level was going down. Kind of nice to have some independent evidence to that effect. I do feel less stressed out, so I'll take that as the start of a real recovery.

Its sad that the 28 year marriage is over, and sadder still that he became someone who could so easily walk away from our family. I keep busy with work and little projects I enjoy and for now, that is enough. This was not the life I thought I would have, but is it ever-really?


----------



## Hardtohandle

Pluto2 said:


> Its sad that the 28 year marriage is over, and sadder still that he became someone who could so easily walk away from our family. I keep busy with work and little projects I enjoy and for now, that is enough. This was not the life I thought I would have, but is it ever-really?


I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out. 

My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year.. 

They are all pieces of garbage.


----------



## FeministInPink

Hardtohandle said:


> I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out.
> 
> My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year..
> 
> They are all pieces of garbage.


I certainly am :/


----------



## Pluto2

Hardtohandle said:


> I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out.
> 
> My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year..
> 
> They are all pieces of garbage.


Good grief!

At least, and it is the very least, mine has seen them once in the last year. I think if it were just the oldest he wouldn't come at all, but he thinks our youngest is ignoring his shenanigans. She doesn't, she just wants a father. We have several families (some divorced couples) in our circle of friends where the fathers are just plain great guys, so I've been trying to keep them in our lives and activities just so my girls know not all men make wretched parents. Mom just picked a dud.


----------



## angelpixie

Pluto2 said:


> Mom just picked a guy who ended up choosing to be a dud.


Fixed that for ya. 


I'm glad you're at least getting something coming in each month -- I hope it continues for a long time. And yes! Do go after his tax refund. :smthumbup: I wonder if there's a form you can file with the IRS to get it as back child support. Even if he quits his job so that he doesn't have to pay you, he has to file a tax return or he gets in trouble with the gov't.


----------



## Pluto2

angelpixie said:


> Fixed that for ya.
> 
> 
> I'm glad you're at least getting something coming in each month -- I hope it continues for a long time. And yes! Do go after his tax refund. :smthumbup: I wonder if there's a form you can file with the IRS to get it as back child support. Even if he quits his job so that he doesn't have to pay you, he has to file a tax return or he gets in trouble with the gov't.


Hi Angel.
I appreciate your fix, but honestly, I don't know if it is accurate. Maybe he always was a dud and I hid the truth from myself. Maybe I wanted to believe he would stand up and be a good father, despite the fact that he had a horrible role model. No doubt it was his choice to behave the way he did towards me, and does towards the kids. Of course he could see the kids if it was a priority in his life. It isn't. And of course he could have supported his children. He "said" he couldn't get a job (for five years). Funny how when my support ended, and the money he took in the divorce dried up, a job suddenly materialized.

The tax refund is all set, he can't get rid of that unless he pays off the arrears. He won't. Again, that would be effort.


----------



## zillard

FeministInPink said:


> I certainly am :/


You're surprised, or garbage?

Couldn't resist. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FeministInPink

zillard said:


> You're surprised, or garbage?
> 
> Couldn't resist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha ha, nicely done.

(Surprised. I'm surprised. Well, not now. Now I'm just disappointed. But I was surprised that he turned out to be such a sh*tty person.)


----------



## SamuraiJack

FeministInPink said:


> Ha ha, nicely done.
> 
> (Surprised. I'm surprised. Well, not now. Now I'm just disappointed. But I was surprised that he turned out to be such a sh*tty person.)


I'm like that with my ex. 
Never in a million years did I ever think she had it in her to be so truly brutal and vindictive.

IT still shocks me to this day and now that she is all "Oooo! Lets be friends!" it just makes even weirder..


----------



## Pluto2

I haven't posted in a while. The kids are good, No contact with ex.

But today I got a call from my doctor and the news wasn't fabulous. They've identified multiple melanoma's. My doctor gave me the plan of attack, and assured me it was caught fairly early, and even gave me her home phone if I freak out later tonight.
I'm not hysterical. But this is the first time since my D, I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Pluto2 said:


> I haven't posted in a while. The kids are good, No contact with ex.
> 
> But today I got a call from my doctor and the news wasn't fabulous. They've identified multiple melanoma's. My doctor gave me the plan of attack, and assured me it was caught fairly early, and even gave me her home phone if I freak out later tonight.
> I'm not hysterical. But this is the first time since my D, I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.


<hugs>
It will be okay.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> I haven't posted in a while. The kids are good, No contact with ex.
> 
> But today I got a call from my doctor and the news wasn't fabulous. They've identified multiple melanoma's. My doctor gave me the plan of attack, and assured me it was caught fairly early, and even gave me her home phone if I freak out later tonight.
> I'm not hysterical. But this is the first time since my D, I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.


You're gonna be alright, you've got this. *hugs*


----------



## Bluebirdie

Pluto, I am sorry about the moment of fear you must have felt. Great news is they are detecting it with time and have a plan to attack them. 
I got the same last year and opted for a surgery, which wasnt totally necesary but preferred; everything is ok now.  Follow your doctors instructions and you should be ok. We are here for you!


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks for the hugs. It really helped.

I go in next week for more surgery, but the MDs are very optimistic about everything, so that's good.
I thought about whether or not to tell the ex.- not because I want him to know how I am, but because I am the sole caregiver of the kids. Anyway I decided I'm just am not in the mood for one of his "How could you do this to me right now" diatribes. So, one less phone call I feel obliged to make. As long as the docs remain so positive this is just none of his business.
Is that the right call?


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Thanks for the hugs. It really helped.
> 
> I go in next week for more surgery, but the MDs are very optimistic about everything, so that's good.
> I thought about whether or not to tell the ex.- not because I want him to know how I am, but because I am the sole caregiver of the kids. Anyway I decided I'm just am not in the mood for one of his "How could you do this to me right now" diatribes. So, one less phone call I feel obliged to make. As long as the docs remain so positive this is just none of his business.
> Is that the right call?


Sounds like calling and telling him would just pile on more stress, so I say YES! Right call. You need as much positive energy as you can get right now. He doesn't need to know at this point in time, and you don't need to listen to his diatribes.


----------



## Bluebirdie

I agree, you dont need more stress. Last november when I had my surgery truth to be told I was expecting support from him but instead besides paying the co-payment for the medical insurance, he started asking for things of the work and doubts he had that only made me think he didnt care at all, I ended up sending him a pic of my surgery and inflated stomach asking to please leave me alone. Funny now that I think about it, but he stopped. No need for more stress.


----------



## angelpixie

So sorry to hear about this tough time, P2. I hope things are going OK. Please give us an update. You're in our thoughts. ((hugs))

I do totally understand how you're feeling. After my accident and then my surgery this summer, I had a lot of friends who were offering help and support. But the one thing I really, really longed for was someone to just put his arms around me and kind of physically 'hold me together' when I was shaking (literally and figuratively). It sucks.  I think you're making the right choice to not tell the ex, though, since he's really not going to be a help to you even with the kids. I did choose to tell Chinless because we are co-parents, and I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. The lack of emotion was actually kind of scary to me, and his lack of consideration of how soon I'd be able to do things like drive out and get DS from his house after my surgery was a bit astounding. They aren't going to change, so it's best to devote that energy to your healing. 

Surround yourself with people who are positive, who show you compassion and care, and avoid negativity (including that shown through lack of concern) like the plague. 

You are a strong woman, P2. I'm pulling for you. <3


----------



## lenzi

Pluto2 said:


> As long as the docs remain so positive this is just none of his business.
> Is that the right call?


Yes it's a bit early for that. 

You're not going anywhere anytime soon. 

Besides your kids are gonna know, so your ex will find out eventually.


----------



## Pluto2

Thanks for the encouragement. 
Had the second surgery and am waiting on lab reports. My body is not fond of being cut open, but I am healing. So I'm still waiting and hoping for the best. 

I found it much easier to disclose my condition on this board than to tell some of my friends. Its always been difficult for me to accept help from others and I want to believe I can take care of it.

Lenzi, the kids do know, but since they don't communicate with their dad, he won't know. The only communication from him since March was a text to one of them, which he quickly told them was a mistake meant for someone else. He's a real sweetheart, that guy.

Anyway, thanks all.


----------



## angelpixie

I hope you get good news, P2. Make sure you take care of yourself. And if I can give you a piece of advice -- try to allow yourself to ask for help and to accept it. I used to be exactly like you, and it's still something I struggle with. It made me feel awful about myself, like I was weak and unable to deal with things. But that's not true. I also had to realize I had a lot of trouble trusting people. For people with feelings like we have, in a way, it takes more strength for us to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to be helped than to try to handle everything by ourselves.
But sometimes we MUST ask for help. For one thing, every thing you allow someone else to help with lets you put that energy into healing your body instead of doing chores and running errands. And you NEED to do that NOW. If someone offers to give you a ride somewhere, or take the kids for a few hours, or make a grocery run for you, let them. You might have to let go of things being done exactly the way you want them, but that's a good thing to learn, too.  

When I moved out from the marital home in 2011, I did all but a little bit myself, and it was the dead heat of summer. Chinless wouldn't help because I wouldn't do it his way (which we couldn't afford). I didn't ask anyone to help me, and I ended up in the ER with severe dehydration. A couple friends at work found out and got furious at me for not asking them for help -- and they were there to help me finish. Though it was difficult, I learned my lesson and openly asked for help when I moved into my house in spring 2013. And I had tons of people who WANTED to help. Not all just really close friends, either. It actually made us closer friends.  

It is SUPER hard to make those steps to reach out, but give it a try. I know you have friends here on TAM who would help if we could, so I'll bet there are people near you who feel the same way. ((hugs))


----------



## Bluebirdie

:iagree: with Angelpixie. Take care of yourself includes giving up somethings we arent used to do. So... literally take care of yourself please.

(((hugs)))


----------



## FeministInPink

I also agree with Angelpixie. It can be hard to ask other people for help, when you're used to being the one holding everything together. People will help you if you ask them.

*hugs*


----------



## Bluebirdie

Hi Pluto, how are you doing/feeling?


----------



## Pluto2

Hi Bluebirdie, thanks for asking.
I'm on the mend. My incisions are healing, although I had a reaction to the adhesive in the bandages and developed very uncomfortable blisters around the area. The lab work came back with clear margins on one lesion (very good), and maybe not so clear on a second. Maybe only because I've gotten two different opinions. They're going to re-do the lab work and verify. Either way I go back in January.
My girls are fabulous!


----------



## Bluebirdie

I am glad to hear you are doing good and hope those blisters are gone soon also that the re-do of the lab comes back as the first one very good 

Have a wonderful day!


----------



## angelpixie

Thanks for the update, P2. I hope you get good news on the lab results all around!


----------



## Pluto2

Venting Update (sorry):

So Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) called yesterday. He's not coming to see the kids for Christmas, but maybe he'll try to see them in January. I'm not holding my breath and neither are the kids. He hasn't seen the kids in over a year and it doesn't seem to bother him. I just don't get it. The life of a single guy must just be exhausting...... And it can't be from working so hard because there's no CS this month. He sure knows how to spread that holiday cheer. Arse.

And, I get to replace my 35 year old HVAC system! I really can't complain about not getting mileage out of the old system, but I will complain about the timing. I feel comfortable doing a lot of repair work around our house, but this is way beyond my comfort level so I'm calling in the pros.....and my home equity.

I go back to the MD in January and am hoping for clean labs. Keep those holly branches crossed for good luck.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Venting Update (sorry):
> 
> So Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) called yesterday. He's not coming to see the kids for Christmas, but maybe he'll try to see them in January. I'm not holding my breath and neither are the kids. He hasn't seen the kids in over a year and it doesn't seem to bother him. I just don't get it. The life of a single guy must just be exhausting...... And it can't be from working so hard because there's no CS this month. He sure knows how to spread that holiday cheer. Arse.
> 
> And, I get to replace my 35 year old HVAC system! I really can't complain about not getting mileage out of the old system, but I will complain about the timing. I feel comfortable doing a lot of repair work around our house, but this is way beyond my comfort level so I'm calling in the pros.....and my home equity.
> 
> I go back to the MD in January and am hoping for clean labs. Keep those holly branches crossed for good luck.


Sending positive energy your way, Pluto. **hugs**


----------



## Bluebirdie

I know your feeling about not getting what goes into their minds for not caring to see their children. XH has almost no contact with my son and live like 10 minutes away! It hurts what our kids go though much more than what we do.

But then I remember when my dad left when I was 15 and has been trying to get into my life for almost 5 years after 23 of absense... how things change! I grew without him and got used to it. Hopefully this will happen to the kids too. No fun though at the beginning.

I pray for your test to come back clean and for you to be able to fix your HVAC one way or the other. Just yesterday my mixer broke, the manual one too and was in the middle of making 40 cakes... ended up manually doing them. Also internet went away and returned until today, no phone lines, also back now... I was afraid of touching things so they didnt broke lol... 

Wish you a great rest of the day dear Pluto!


----------



## Pluto2

40 Cakes!
Good gosh Bluebirdie, tell me you are a professional baker, otherwise you are just too in to the holidays!


----------



## Bluebirdie

Lol yes, love to bake and were basic dough lime recipe with confectioners/lime sugar topping 9x5 inches approx size  Kept me really busy


----------



## SamuraiJack

Bluebirdie said:


> Lol yes, love to bake and were basic dough lime recipe with confectioners/lime sugar topping 9x5 inches approx size  Kept me really busy


Youre doing it all wrong.

Grab a drill and your least expensive whisk. Cut the endloop off the end and mount the whisk in the drill bit holder, tighten, and go to town! 

Thats the way I mix paint. Works like a charm! 

Pluto, I hope your labs come back so negative the hospital sends you a 20 along with it.


----------



## Pluto2

Bluebirdie said:


> Lol yes, love to bake and were basic dough lime recipe with confectioners/lime sugar topping 9x5 inches approx size  Kept me really busy


recipe??


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Bluebirdie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Lol yes, love to bake and were basic dough lime recipe with confectioners/lime sugar topping 9x5 inches approx size  Kept me really busy
> 
> 
> 
> recipe??
Click to expand...

:iagree: I would also love to have that recipe, sounds delicious.


----------



## Bluebirdie

Sure sure, here is it for a 9" round cake pan:

*WEEKEND LIME CAKE* 

*Pound cake*:
6 eggs
340gr soften butter
340gr sugar
340 gr flour and 1 tsp baking powder (both sifted together)
1 tsp vanilla
3 lime zest

*Glazing*:
325 gr confectioners sugar
1 lime zest
1.5 lime juice

*PROCEDURE*:

- Mix slowly butter + sugar with the globe whisk to give air
- Add lime zest and vanilla
- Start adding flour mixture and eggs by parts. Start with dry, end with dry
- Pour into a 9" round pan sprayed with Pam or if super teflon one, perhaps a parchment circle
- 350C for 30-40 min, let it cool and then add the mixture of the glazing

-----------------------

It is really simple. I made 18 recipes, 3 by 3 each time for 40 9x5" rectangular cakes. Guess I should have made them by 2 at the time not to get my Kitchen Aid suffer  I have it back now, but until I get the new metal gear I will only be able to mix egg whites :scratchhead:

Hope you make it, it is really delicious!!!! 
Don't doubt to ask for recipes, I have a lot of them I have compiled during my years of classes and also international ones, including India  Love to share them!


----------



## Pluto2

metric system? Great, now I have to wake up my 13 yr old DD from her holiday slumber to do the conversion, because we old folks just never mastered that part.
LOL just kidding Bluebirdie. Thanks for the recipe. And I have limes in the fridge!


----------



## Bluebirdie

Great!! I made the conversion to ounces in the scale, here is it:

For the sugar and flour it is 12 ounces or 1.5 cups. For butter also 12 ounces or 4 sticks (80gr ones) not the small ones. 

For confectioners sugar, add one bag and mix until it is ok to put over the cake.

Hope it helps and you can bake it!


----------



## lifeistooshort

Pluto, I just want to say that I tip my hat to you..... you are one tough lady. I thought my ex was an arse, but yours is a piece of work. The loss is his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2

lifeistooshort said:


> Pluto, I just want to say that I tip my hat to you..... you are one tough lady. I thought my ex was an arse, but yours is a piece of work. The loss is his.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. He has no idea what he's missing!
Sure hope I don't have to keep being tough for long, it is a bit tiring.
Still, Merry Christmas!:smthumbup:


----------



## Pluto2

I was correct not to hold my breath for triple D's visitation. He was a no show yesterday, It broke DD13 heart. So I'm going to spend the day cooking with her while the older one is off at work. They go back to school Monday and seeing all her friends should brighten her mood as well.

Its hard to keep feeling detached from him when he continues to hurt the ones I love so much.
Maybe we'll paint a bedroom....


----------



## lifeistooshort

Pluto, have you told your daughter that her father has his own demons that have nothing to do with her? That's what i told my kids when they didn't hear much from their father after our divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bluebirdie

I know how sad it is... I know my 25 son misses his dad; they almost broke communication and relation became tense between the 2 of them and it hurts me much more than anything. He lives with me; good thing, at least they still have their mom


----------



## Pluto2

Well, well triple D did show-up Saturday evening. I mentioned that we were expecting him yesterday and he said I got the day wrong. [I look down at the text that said he'd arrive Friday around noon]. Whatever.
He sat down, watched a basketball game and then left for the night. He came by this morning and took the younger DD out for breakfast, the older one was at work. And left. Less than 24 hours. that's a new record for triple D!

His lack of effort was not missed on the kids. I have told them about his demons and how it impacts his thought process. I've also told them that it explains things about him but does not give him a free pass to treat others poorly. I also, and frequently, remind them that his behavior has nothing to do with them. He does not act this way because of them, he acts like this because of him.
So I un-holidayed the house.
I suspect as the kids get older he will have less to do with them-if that's possible. Such a loss, they are really wonderful kids-if I do say so myself. And I do.


----------



## Pluto2

Check-up with the MD wasn't perfect, but it could have been worse. The scar that's been troubling me has an attitude and the MD suggested steroid injections. I declined. And they found one more spot they want to hack off, although it wasn't the term the MD used. This one's on my arm. They don't "believe" its more cancer but just want to be sure. And of course you can't know until you do the biopsy. So the MD was measuring, and saying things like "with your history" and "its considerably different than the others" Not at all what I wanted to hear, but it could be worse. Soon I shall be a piece of swiss cheese.

My car died on Christmas eve so I'm shopping around for a replacement. I ended up selling it for parts, but the price was fair considering the shape it was in. I might get a Mini.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Check-up with the MD wasn't perfect, but it could have been worse. The scar that's been troubling me has an attitude and the MD suggested steroid injections. I declined. And they found one more spot they want to hack off, although it wasn't the term the MD used. This one's on my arm. They don't "believe" its more cancer but just want to be sure. And of course you can't know until you do the biopsy. So the MD was measuring, and saying things like "with your history" and "its considerably different than the others" Not at all what I wanted to hear, but it could be worse. Soon I shall be a piece of swiss cheese.
> 
> My car died on Christmas eve so I'm shopping around for a replacement. I ended up selling it for parts, but the price was fair considering the shape it was in. I might get a Mini.


Get a Fiat! They're super fun to drive, about the same size as the Mini, and cost less.

They even have a pink one:










I wish I could have gotten that one, it would have been PERFECT.


----------



## FeministInPink

And... I also meant to include, better that your MD is being proactive than dismissive, yeah? Glad the visit wasn't worse than that.


----------



## Bluebirdie

Pluto, I also changed my car to a small one and it really makes a difference, plus savings in gas. When do you hear back about the results? I am glad you are being checked very well, trusting everything will be ok. ((((hugs))))


----------



## Pluto2

Hi everyone,

Health-wise I'm ok. Scheduled another minor surgery in a couple of months and since the MD said it was not critical, I'm going on the assumption that its a precautionary procedure just to take care of a potentially troublesome spot.

But the issue I am having is my children's lack of a father.
My oldest DD will be graduating high school next month and heading off to college at the end of the summer. She has chosen not to purchase the official invitations for graduation because of the cost, so any inviting is being handled very informally. I asked her if she was going to contact her father, and she replied "What for?" I am trying to let her take the lead in this, but my Norman Rockwell childhood still has me believing (hoping) that a father would want to be at the graduation ceremony beaming with pride over his child's accomplishments. 

And maybe he doesn't know the date, despite the fact that its all over the school website if he chose to look it up.

Of course he's had no contact with the kids or me since January, remains in arrears on the support, and has blown off both DD's birthdays. So why do I still want to believe he would be a father? I'm embarrassed to say this is stressing me out. 

Maybe my co-dependency is rearing its ugly head, wanting me to take care of everything and thinking I can fix it?


----------



## zillard

Pluto2 said:


> I'm embarrassed to say this is stressing me out.
> 
> Maybe my co-dependency is rearing its ugly head, wanting me to take care of everything and thinking I can fix it?


I believe those feelings are completely natural. That's human. Acting on them could be co-dependent.


----------



## pidge70

Oh Pluto, you are such a sweetie! The fact that you helped me with my brother despite all you are going through is amazing! I hope all goes well with your surgery.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> I'm embarrassed to say this is stressing me out.
> 
> Maybe my co-dependency is rearing its ugly head, wanting me to take care of everything and thinking I can fix it?





zillard said:


> I believe those feelings are completely natural. That's human. Acting on them could be co-dependent.


Zillard's on point. It's only co-dependency if you act on it and try to fix everything.

These feelings are going to come up, and they will continue to, especially in stressful situations. It's a patterned behavioral response that you developed over the years you were with him, and that's nothing more than a synapse pattern in your brain.

The more important thing is how you deal with them; if you refuse to act on them, as you're doing now, the feelings will become less prevalent and less frequent, because you're retraining your brain.

You're doing good, Pluto. Keep doing what you're doing.

And good to hear that the doc doesn't think the surgery is emergent. Good sign.

What did you end up doing for the car?


----------



## Pluto2

FeministInPink said:


> What did you end up doing for the car?


I replaced my dead 2004 Jeep that had 225,000 miles with a 2004 Honda civic with 115,000. I don't really like it, but it runs and its paid for and I guess that's all that matters for now. 
Thanks


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> I replaced my dead 2004 Jeep that had 225,000 miles with a 2004 Honda civic with 115,000. I don't really like it, but it runs and its paid for and I guess that's all that matters for now.
> Thanks


Yes, that's the most important thing! It runs, and Hondas tend to hold up well... I love my Fiat, but I'm beginning to wish that I had bought a short-term almost-a-clunker instead.

My friend just bought a CRV, and she signed up to be driver for Uber and Lyft, and she's planning on using the extra cash to off-set her car payments. I'm kind of wishing that I had thought of that, but I can't do that with a 2-door car. If I had waited another year, I could have bought a used 500L instead and signed up to be a driver, too!

Your Honda's good for now... and nothing is permanent


----------



## Pluto2

Quick update.
Triple D did not come to DD graduation, or acknowledge it. He did see a picture one of my sister's posted on FB and liked it, I suppose he thinks that's something. Its not.

Anyway I contacted him in May about processing the paperwork for DD's 529 plan. He could either list me as a co-owner and I would do the grunt work, or take care of the distribution himself. The divorce gave each of us one 529 plan for each DD, and the obligation to split anything else not covered. Triple D said he would process the distribution. I checked in July and nothing had been done, so I sent him an email. I got no response. The girls and I went off on vacation and when we got back, still nothing. I sent him another email telling him the bill was due. No response. So this morning I said he could either respond to my communications or explain this to a judge. 

Presto! I got an actual call. He was shocked by my email, he didn't know how to do this, why was I so impatient, why was I so short with him, he promises he'll do it Monday, and was I really taking him to court. I said if he actually does what he's already promised to do, I won't bring this to court. He did not ask to speak with his children.

I think I'll draft a motion up this weekend, just in case.


----------



## FeministInPink

Why does none of this surprise me? Sigh


----------



## Pluto2

I was a little mean yesterday-I should know better.
I sent Triple D the existing bill from DD's college and quoted the paragraph in the divorce that requires us to split the balance after 529 and financial aid, along with the address of the billing department for the school. I know full well he will never pay.

I thought I would hear back about how poor he is, and how he couldn't possibly pay this amount. He did call, but only to tell me how stupid I was to let her go to such an expensive school. I cut him off and said I was providing him with pertinent information about our daughter's education, as required, and hung up.

I could take him to court to enforce the decree and I would win. But I also know I will never collect. I have a garnishment order for child support and he's behind on that-he's learned how to hide money. The most I would get in my state is a contempt of court for failure to abide by the decree, and they could arrest him if he ever shows up in the state again. In the almost two year since the divorce he's been here twice, and only for a day. So its hardly worth the effort.

So student loans for the amounts I can't cover. It is what it is. And that was the last communication I ever intend to make.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> I was a little mean yesterday-I should know better.
> I sent Triple D the existing bill from DD's college and quoted the paragraph in the divorce that requires us to split the balance after 529 and financial aid, along with the address of the billing department for the school. I know full well he will never pay.
> 
> I thought I would hear back about how poor he is, and how he couldn't possibly pay this amount. He did call, but only to tell me how stupid I was to let her go to such an expensive school. I cut him off and said I was providing him with pertinent information about our daughter's education, as required, and hung up.
> 
> I could take him to court to enforce the decree and I would win. But I also know I will never collect. I have a garnishment order for child support and he's behind on that-he's learned how to hide money. The most I would get in my state is a contempt of court for failure to abide by the decree, and they could arrest him if he ever shows up in the state again. In the almost two year since the divorce he's been here twice, and only for a day. So its hardly worth the effort.
> 
> So student loans for the amounts I can't cover. It is what it is. And that was the last communication I ever intend to make.


It's sad that your daughter is being punished for his d0uche canoery. I hope she's not too disappointed, but I'm guessing that she already figured he wasn't going to pay up.


----------



## FeministInPink

PS And honestly, it sucks that she has to take out the loans, but it's not the worst thing in the world, especially since she's not borrowing the full amount. It's the "good" kind of debt to have, and as long as she starts paying them off right after graduation and keeps up with it, it will help her to establish good credit, which will help her in the long run.


----------



## Pluto2

She knows he's not going to pay and has said she doesn't want me to take this to court right now. Sweet girl thinks I'm under enough stress now. I thought about borrowing the money out of my 401K, at least for this year's bill, and let her do the loan route next year. I don't know.


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> She knows he's not going to pay and has said she doesn't want me to take this to court right now. Sweet girl thinks I'm under enough stress now. I thought about borrowing the money out of my 401K, at least for this year's bill, and let her do the loan route next year. I don't know.


Don't borrow the money out of your 401k! If she takes out federal loans, you'll probably lose MORE in 401k interest than she'll pay in interest on a federal loan.


----------



## Pluto2

Its been a while since I actually posted on my thread. I'm having one of those weeks.

I'm making a lateral move at work. Its more money and more interesting work, but my current supervisor is being really pissy about my decision and expects me to work 60 plus hours a week to get some projects completed. I don't want this to get ugly, but that is something I just can't do and I've told him. His response was "We'll see." What the hell does that mean?

The ex has disappeared. He lost his last job, I'm not sure what the circumstances were. All I know is that the garnishment action to recover child support can't collect anything else. I now have no address, no phone number and a deactivated FB page for him. Triple D is that gift that keeps on giving. He never released the 529 plan for my eldest to use for college. Maybe he figured out he could cash it in. Sure there's a tax penalty for doing that, but he hasn't filed taxes in three years so I doubt he cares. 

Thursday I go in for another biopsy for more suspected melanoma. I'm not too concerned since my dermatologist is on top of things. Just another brick in the wall.

On the personal front, I was asked out on a date-then learned immediately after the invitation that the guy was married. I hadn't said yes, but I thought for an instant that it was kind of flattering, turns out it was kibble. 

So that's it for my update. Hope you all are doing well.
Pluto2


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Can you contact the 529 plan administrator's office and see if he has cashed? Then report to the IRS. I'm sure you still have his SS# somewhere to give them/reference.

Did he do something that would benefit from having a linkedin profile? 

Is he likely working "under the table"?

Does he have family who would help you get in contact with him about your child's college? 

It might be worthwhile to hire a PI to locate him. Should cost less than $500 (should cost a LOT less but depends on how hard it is to find him) so depending on what you have to gain by finding him might be worth while.

In my state parents aren't obligated to pay for college at all. I didn't realize it at the time but it's recommended that it's incorporated into the initial divorce decree or support order and I didn't. I knew he stood to inherit a substantial amount so I wish I had done that but it's not worth going back to court now. Plus probably too late by the time we actually GET to court.

Over all, I'm sure life is better without TripleD so maybe it's the price we pay for peace.


----------



## Absurdist

Pluto2 said:


> Thursday I go in for another biopsy for more suspected melanoma. I'm not too concerned since my dermatologist is on top of things. Just another brick in the wall.
> 
> 
> Pluto2



Please keep us posted on the melanoma. Pluto, you know I nearly died from that. Surgery, radiation and chemo. Thankfully, I'm cancer free for 8 years now.

One of my tender memories. I was so sick from the chemo I would lay in my bathroom. My wife would come in with a blanket and pillow and lay down with me. She would hug me and rub me and tell me she loved me so much.

Sort of like the opening line of a Tale of Two Cities. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."


----------



## Pluto2

EnjoliWoman said:


> Can you contact the 529 plan administrator's office and see if he has cashed? Then report to the IRS. I'm sure you still have his SS# somewhere to give them/reference.
> 
> Did he do something that would benefit from having a linkedin profile?
> 
> Is he likely working "under the table"?
> 
> Does he have family who would help you get in contact with him about your child's college?
> 
> It might be worthwhile to hire a PI to locate him. Should cost less than $500 (should cost a LOT less but depends on how hard it is to find him) so depending on what you have to gain by finding him might be worth while.
> 
> In my state parents aren't obligated to pay for college at all. I didn't realize it at the time but it's recommended that it's incorporated into the initial divorce decree or support order and I didn't. I knew he stood to inherit a substantial amount so I wish I had done that but it's not worth going back to court now. Plus probably too late by the time we actually GET to court.
> 
> Over all, I'm sure life is better without TripleD so maybe it's the price we pay for peace.


Because he is the owner of the 529 plan, the administrator can't release information to me. I'm not a co-owner. 

He had a linkedin account, but hasn't updated in about five years-I checked that. He's alienated many in his family so I don't see them helping him out much, but who knows. They aren't very supportive of higher education, so I could honestly see them siding with him about the account. Under our divorce decree, we each agreed to pay half of what was not covered by the 529. So I can always go after him for a breach of contract. I was also successful in putting a clause in the decree that child support continues through college, even though that's not mandated in our state. Big deal since I doubt I'll ever see it.

I don't know if he's working under the table or not. He has a nasty temper, and frankly not many people have been willing to put up with it.

The only thing I can think of is that he might move to a different state where one of the GF's live. But that's a guess.

I'm not ready to go the PI route and waste more money on his butt. At this point, the only benefit of finding him would be to prosecuting him for failure to pay child support. So what. I could toss him in jail, and still not get paid anything other than what he makes in jail.
IDK, its pretty sad for a father to do this to his kids. 

Right now I don't have the fight in me. Maybe I'll change my mind in a couple of months. Lots going on unrelated to Triple D.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Sometimes the peace of mind is worth it. We know our kids know who has their back. My relationship with my daughter has seen some really rough times and we are past that now. I'm just glad she is in my life and I have asked if he will help and she doesn't think so and she doesn't want it. She'd rather have loans. Part of me feels it's short sighted but on the other hand, I have to respect her not wanting his help when it makes her feel indebted to someone she sure doesn't want to be indebted to.

Take care of you and yours - sounds like it is wasted energy. Let karma run its course.


----------



## Ceegee

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sometimes the peace of mind is worth it. We know our kids know who has their back. My relationship with my daughter has seen some really rough times and we are past that now. I'm just glad she is in my life and I have asked if he will help and she doesn't think so and she doesn't want it. She'd rather have loans. Part of me feels it's short sighted but on the other hand, I have to respect her not wanting his help when it makes her feel indebted to someone she sure doesn't want to be indebted to.
> 
> 
> 
> Take care of you and yours - sounds like it is wasted energy. Let karma run its course.




She's learned to not expect his assistance from someone - and for good reason.


----------



## turnera

I'm stubborn that way, though. I'd pay for the PI and also find a legal route to force him to release the funds. Because it's your daughter who will end up with the debt if you don't.


----------



## Pluto2

Pathology came back and its ok. Whew. The stitches come out the 19th. 

A good thing that came out of this is that both my DD (both fair skinned redheads), now advocate for 50+ SPF with all their friends.

I've asked a few ex-family members if they've heard from Triple D, they all say no they haven't spoken to him since Christmas. That doesn't surprise me. I did a public record search and he got a speeding ticket in South Carolina. So that's a start.


----------



## FeministInPink

Three cheers for good news!

I am also a fair-skinned redhead. I know the "experts" say there is no real difference between 50 and 75/85/100 SPF, but in my personal experience, there is a world of difference. I'll still burn using 50 SPF, but using the higher numbers, I leave the beach/sun as pale as when I started. It's been a life-changer for me.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2

FeministInPink said:


> Three cheers for good news!
> 
> I am also a fair-skinned redhead. I know the "experts" say there is no real difference between 50 and 75/85/100 SPF, but in my personal experience, there is a world of difference. I'll still burn using 50 SPF, but using the higher numbers, I leave the beach/sun as pale as when I started. It's been a life-changer for me.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Yep. I need to use SPF 100 in order to stay out in the sun for 20 minutes. Back in HS, when all my friends were using baby oil, I got some wicked sunburns, which most likely accounts for my situation now especially since there is no history of melanoma in my family. Both my kids have very pale skin and freckles. So we slather on the 100 (and I found a 110 for the face).


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> Yep. I need to use SPF 100 in order to stay out in the sun for 20 minutes. Back in HS, when all my friends were using baby oil, I got some wicked sunburns, which most likely accounts for my situation now especially since there is no history of melanoma in my family. Both my kids have very pale skin and freckles. So we slather on the 100 (and I found a 110 for the face).


I will never take sunblock advice from someone who tans, or who only needs to use 25 SPF. 

My mom, when I was a kid, refused to buy higher SPF, because she never needed anything more than 15 or 20. And then she would get p!ssed at me when I got a sunburn. It was always MY fault because I didn't come back to her regularly to ask her for more sunblock. 

I learned very early on to stay out of the sun altogether. My extended family goes to the beach for a week every summer, and I have always stayed back at the house--never going to the actual beach--out of habit. The last couple years, I've had to remind myself, Hey! You can go to the beach and not burn. You should go swimming!

My mom mocks me for using the higher SPF, and I'm thinking, if I get skin cancer, it's on you, mom.


----------



## Pluto2

The only fault I can put on my family was moving to the beach in NC and giving me access to a boat. I love sailing and did it a lot in middle and high school. So it was my choice. I never liked laying out in the sun to get a tan. First I was never that concerned about the color of my skin and secondly, I just got bored.

But being on a boat, with the wind filing your sail and the waves lapping the hull. ahhhh, that is heaven. 

Last summer I was diligent and got SPF shirts for our trip to a lake. It helped, but nothing is better now than just staying out of the sun, with a glass of lovely Pinot or a chilled Viognier.


----------



## Ceegee

Pluto2 said:


> The only fault I can put on my family was moving to the beach in NC and giving me access to a boat. I love sailing and did it a lot in middle and high school. So it was my choice. I never liked laying out in the sun to get a tan. First I was never that concerned about the color of my skin and secondly, I just got bored.
> 
> 
> 
> But being on a boat, with the wind filing your sail and the waves lapping the hull. ahhhh, that is heaven.
> 
> 
> 
> Last summer I was diligent and got SPF shirts for our trip to a lake. It helped, but nothing is better now than just staying out of the sun, with a glass of lovely Pinot or a chilled Viognier.




It's a delicate balance for you I'm sure. 

My kids, as most kids are these days, are homebodies. They don't get enough sun and have vitamin deficiencies. 

They are half Mexican (Hispanic for you more sensitive types) so they tan very nicely. But they just don't like being outside unless they're at the beach. 

I burn easily too - and I'm bald. My head will most likely have issues as I get older. My GF gets on me for not putting sunscreen on my head or wearing a hat.


----------



## Pluto2

Put a hat on! Trust me, you don't want to deal with the treatment that turns you into a piece of swiss cheese.


----------



## turnera

I used to make my DD go outside. But mom...

Nope. Outside.

What am I gonna do? 

I don't care. Just get out there. Now. Come back in half an hour. Funny thing, she figured out how to amuse herself.

I also only allowed her to use electronics for half an hour a day on school days, an hour on weekends, and doubled that when she got into high school.


----------



## Pluto2

I got two phone calls yesterday. One from Triple D's bank, they wouldn't tell me (properly) what they wanted, only that my phone number was listed as an alternate contact on his account. I demanded they take it off, and they said they would. Then I got a call from a debt collector who tried to intimidate me and say I was responsible as his spouse. It was fun to say "Not his spouse, not responsible for his debts" The guy at the end said he didn't believe me and I said I could care less what he believed, and that I was quite capable of reporting his illegal debt collection activities. He hung up.

Some kind of fun!


----------



## farsidejunky

Pluto2 said:


> ...but nothing is better now than just staying out of the sun, with a glass of lovely Pinot or a chilled Viognier.


Between you and @TooNice...

All this talk of wine...especially those two varietals...would be even better if they were Willamette Valley labels...

Bah, the woes of someone who can't stop at a few...

:crying:

I am glad the biopsy came back with favorable results!


----------



## Pluto2

farsidejunky said:


> Between you and @TooNice...
> 
> All this talk of wine...especially those two varietals...would be even better if they were Willamette Valley labels...
> 
> Bah, the woes of someone who can't stop at a few...
> 
> :crying:
> 
> I am glad the biopsy came back with favorable results!



I try to stay loyal to our Virginia wineries. If it helps, this is a horrible spring for the vineyards. We've gotten far too much rain at all the wrong times and fungus an d vine droop are threatening the crops. So I'll consider it mother nature's way of getting us all to cut back our consumption.


----------



## Philglossop1

Oh Pluto it happens.

My best mate put it very well as my XH was as good with the £ as yours was with $ 

He looked at me and said. Phil you could be halfway up the Amazon with no Internet no post box and a debt of his will fall out and land in your canoe.

Very true and makes me chuckle even now when I spot a brown envelope ?


----------



## TooNice

Pluto2 said:


> I try to stay loyal to our Virginia wineries. If it helps, this is a horrible spring for the vineyards. We've gotten far too much rain at all the wrong times and fungus an d vine droop are threatening the crops. So I'll consider it mother nature's way of getting us all to cut back our consumption.


Or it's Mother Nature's way to get us to drink more local beer. 

I respect your attempt to stay local. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to do the same with Wisconsin wines. They tend to be far too fruity for my taste!


----------



## Blondilocks

Ceegee said:


> It's a delicate balance for you I'm sure.
> 
> My kids, as most kids are these days, are homebodies. They don't get enough sun and have vitamin deficiencies.
> 
> They are half Mexican (Hispanic for you more sensitive types) so they tan very nicely. But they just don't like being outside unless they're at the beach.
> 
> I burn easily too - and I'm bald. *My head will most likely have issues as I get older. My GF gets on me for not putting sunscreen on my head or wearing a hat.*




Unless you think you will look attractive with a skin graft on your head, wear a hat. My hair covers my 2 square inch graft but you'll be out of luck. Take care.


----------



## Pluto2

Blondilocks said:


> [/B]
> 
> Unless you think you will look attractive with a skin graft on your head, wear a hat. My hair covers my 2 square inch graft but you'll be out of luck. Take care.


Excellent warning. I have a long gnarly scar on my back from the first spot they found. It pretty ugly-to the point that I won't wear anything backless.
@TooNice, I agree about Wisconsin wines. Its just the wrong climate for good grapes. I'm going to Wisconsin in July for a family wedding, I'll try to remember to bring you a good Cab. Franc from up the road. I have four vineyards within five minutes of my house, and most of them are really good.


----------



## TooNice

Pluto2 said:


> I'll try to remember to bring you a good Cab. Franc from up the road. I have four vineyards within five minutes of my house, and most of them are really good.


 
Oh, that sounds lovely!!


----------



## Ceegee

Pluto2 said:


> I try to stay loyal to our Virginia wineries. If it helps, this is a horrible spring for the vineyards. We've gotten far too much rain at all the wrong times and fungus an d vine droop are threatening the crops. So I'll consider it mother nature's way of getting us all to cut back our consumption.




No, it's Gods way of telling you to try different regions. 

Patriotic duty. 

My only loyalty is to Cabs. Don't really care where they come from.


----------



## Pluto2

UPDATE: I believe I found out Triple D's place of employment in SC. Hopefully I can get the garnishment going again.


----------



## Absurdist

Pluto2 said:


> UPDATE: I believe I found out Triple D's place of employment in SC. Hopefully I can get the garnishment going again.



Git R Dun Pluto.

He's probably turned into a.... ugh..... Clemson fan.


----------



## Pluto2

Absurdist said:


> Git R Dun Pluto.
> 
> He's probably turned into a.... ugh..... Clemson fan.


EEK=gawd, NO!


----------



## FeministInPink

Pluto2 said:


> UPDATE: I believe I found out Triple D's place of employment in SC. Hopefully I can get the garnishment going again.


Good luck! I hope you succeed.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Ceegee

Pluto2 said:


> UPDATE: I believe I found out Triple D's place of employment in SC. Hopefully I can get the garnishment going again.




Once he gets contacted by your state he will probably think about moving again. 

I hope you never need his money but I hope you never give up making him pay. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2

UPDATE:

I have the child support going through the state, mostly because I knew Triple D was immediately moving out of my state and they handle out-of-state cased far cheaper than I could.

I found the name of his new employer and an address in his new state. The address is definitely not a business address, so I could only assume it is his residence. Then I called the child support office and gave them the info I tracked down. They said they would take it from there.

Yesterday a deposit was made into my account, and I thought, great, the wage-withholding order went through pretty fast. No. I received a call from the child support office saying they could not locate a business address for the employer and had not had any luck contacting Triple D. I told the nice woman that I had a deposit in my account. She looked up the records and said it was under the old wage-withholding order. She guessed it was a payment out of a severance package. No way. He admitted he was fired for cause (again). The woman said she wasn't going to touch a thing until they sort this out.

Triple D posted a picture to a friend's FB page showing him with the new GF, in the new state. So I don't know what's going on. Maybe he went back to the old employer [Unlikely since he was fired for cause-or at least that's what he told me when he said he wasn't getting Unemployment] Maybe its a payment improperly credited to my account from the old employer [if so, I know I will have to pay it back] Maybe he lied the entire time about getting fired and found a way to work under the table.[wouldn't be the first time].

The phone number he gave me when he said he lost the job is no longer working, and his siblings say they don't want to get involved in my money problems.

On a happier note, the girls and I are going off on vacation to a family wedding. I promise not to be too cynical.


----------



## Pluto2

It was lovely to see so much family. My cousins I hadn't seen in over a decade, though we keep in touch-and you would have thought we'd just gotten together last week.

I tried very hard not to be cynical for the actual wedding. I failed. The couple wrote their own vows and the most commitment I heard was a promise they would walk together. Really? like a stroll down the street would keep a marriage together? Ah youth.

Triple D is still AWOL. I took a lateral position change at work that includes an increase in salary that will make up for the loss of child support plus a wee bit more if I'm careful, but it would have been nice to have the support. not to mention its the law. The CSS says they won't take him to court until its been 90 days with no payment. I'll start counting from June 23rd and see what happens.

Kids are doing great. The oldest is in DC working and protesting, and the younger one is discovering her artistic skills.


----------



## FeministInPink

Congrats on the salary increase, that's great! I hope you enjoy the new position.

Hope in a couple months CSS can get some money out of Triple D for you.


----------



## Pluto2

No update on Triple D.

But, I have one of the best DD in the entire world.

The other evening we were texting back and forth (she's at school for the summer, working), about some family friends that were having a really hard time. During the course of our conversations she shared that she started going to a counseling center up at school and it was really helping. I was a bit nervous about what she felt she needed "help" with so I just asked if she was ok, and did we need to really talk. Her reply was she was great. She realized she had been angry since Triple D left and she was just tired of carrying it all around. She wanted someone who wasn't me to help her. She said I'm already doing everything for the family and she wanted to find her solutions without adding to my stress. I tried to tell her there's never anything I can't handle when it comes to her or his sister. She said she knows. She said she wants me to know she's working on becoming an adult, someone who sees a problem and figures out how to solve it......like I did. (tearing up now).

This is one of those days when I love being a parent.


----------



## farsidejunky

.


----------



## TooNice

Pluto2 said:


> No update on Triple D.
> 
> But, I have one of the best DD in the entire world.
> 
> The other evening we were texting back and forth (she's at school for the summer, working), about some family friends that were having a really hard time. During the course of our conversations she shared that she started going to a counseling center up at school and it was really helping. I was a bit nervous about what she felt she needed "help" with so I just asked if she was ok, and did we need to really talk. Her reply was she was great. She realized she had been angry since Triple D left and she was just tired of carrying it all around. She wanted someone who wasn't me to help her. She said I'm already doing everything for the family and she wanted to find her solutions without adding to my stress. I tried to tell her there's never anything I can't handle when it comes to her or his sister. She said she knows. She said she wants me to know she's working on becoming an adult, someone who sees a problem and figures out how to solve it......like I did. (tearing up now).
> 
> This is one of those days when I love being a parent.


Pluto, this is simply beautiful. The best moments in parenting are when we see evidence that we did stuff right and gave our children the tools they need to handle life. She sounds amazing.


----------

