# Met with Wife to Discuss Terms of D, She Now Wants $0



## feight (Jul 21, 2014)

My wife had sent me proposed terms of divorce. We met to discuss what she had sent me. My intention was to just ask her a few questions and gather more info on what she was after.

The meeting ended with her having to get up and leave, she was so upset, and saying she wanted $0, she just wants to be free, to let her go. I tried to clarify somethings about the tax implications of what she wanted.

She then sent me a revised proposal indicating the $0 and saying she can't take this anymore to let her go.

I am very concerned about her. Any advice?


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

yes.... let her go and sign that agreement as soon as possible!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

FromEurope said:


> yes.... let her go and sign that agreement as soon as possible!


:iagree:

And then write a post on how exactly you made her feel like you were holding on, please list details.
It will probably become a sticky!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If you can actually get her to sign that agreement run to the judges office. She will change her mind unfortunately, she was upset and just wanted to end the discussion.


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

feight said:


> She then sent me a revised proposal indicating the $0 and saying she can't take this anymore to let her go.


"Let her go"

Other than legal matters are you holding onto her in another way? If not, I'd consider yourself lucky, sounds to me like wants to move on.

If I was in the fortunate position your in of divorcing my wife and she wasn't asking for anything, I'd get it formalized ASAP and then go out celebrating.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

court wouldn't approve it anyway


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I did the same thing in my D. Did not want anything.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You cannot make someone want to be with you!


*Let the Trapped Partner Out*

*Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives.* 


*Opening the Cage Door*
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.
There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. 


*Avoid Being a Used Car Salesman*
To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don't turn me down," etc. 
Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!" 
This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest.

If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time. 
From the June 2000 Focus on the Family newsletter. Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.






*Sending the Right Message*
Groveling techniques increase the depth of disrespect by the escaping spouse.


*The Right Message*
If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right:


"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.
As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.
I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."


*Setting Your Spouse Free*
Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more. 
"But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure." 

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.


*Tough Love Brings Subtle Changes*

Interesting changes begin to occur if the more vulnerable spouse convinces the partner that his freedom is secure.
If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme.


Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse: 

1.	The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. 

2.	As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home! 

3.	The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> court wouldn't approve it anyway


They have no minor children involved and if both parties agree the court will sign off on the agreement. The court system could care less if its a 50/50 split. If both parties agree the court system wont think twice about it. They don't want to make any decisions let alone tell two parties that are in agreement they cant be. 
I know a couple of people who just wanted the marriage to be done and walked away with nothing because it was the quickest and least painful way to end it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

feight said:


> My wife had sent me proposed terms of divorce. We met to discuss what she had sent me. My intention was to just ask her a few questions and gather more info on what she was after.
> 
> The meeting ended with her having to get up and leave, she was so upset, and saying she wanted $0, she just wants to be free, to let her go. I tried to clarify somethings about the tax implications of what she wanted.
> 
> ...


What are the tax consequences that you believe apply?


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