# Advice on actual move out



## Jimmy2010 (May 16, 2016)

Good day,

To make a long story short, I have been emotionally abused for the last 2 years and since I don't see my wife changing I want out.

I am here because I want some actual and solid advice on moving out. My wife can be rather hostile, however I don't expect a picnic. Can those of you that have moved out on a spouse give me some tips on timing or telling your spouse that you are separating.

I have been married for 3 year and have no kids. We rent and I'm not concerned about possessions except my personal items and my car, which I pay for.

My wife doesn't work, so she is at home most of the time.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Know when she's going to be away from home for an inordinate amount of time, like off visiting relatives, girlfriends, shopping, et. al. and then move fast.

It might also help to have a place to live already lined up prior to pulling out of the driveway!

Make sure that you make an appointment with a good family attorney to get your divorce going!

P.S. Upon departure, leave some kind of note, but do not tell her where you are residing until such time that you have her served with divorce papers!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jimmy2010 (May 16, 2016)

Luckily I would have a place to go, however her only relatives are only 3 miles away, and she rarely goes to hang out with friends. But I see what you mean.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Are you really afraid to have a talk with her? I'm sure you are bigger then her so it's not like she can get physical and hurt you. Don't write her a letter phone her or text her. Be a man and tell her in person. Have your stuff packed and a place to go and tell her you are leaving because of the way she treats you. I'm sure she didn't start out treating you this way or you wouldn't have married her so before you jump into another relationship get some help to figure out what did you do to contribute to her changing and becoming abusive. I'm always a big skeptical when a husband claims his wife is abusive.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My move out day was January 10th 2016. I just packed up three huge duffle bags into my truck and went to a hotel for a week. Found a permanent place the week after.

You're lucky you don't have kids... having them watch their dad leave is the most heartbreaking thing ever. But 4 months later, life is great. I see my kids half the week and they no longer get to see mommy and daddy fighting/screaming and being miserable.

Get all your stuff/valuables that you can't live without packed into your vehicle and then break the news to her in person. Take the high road and keep it amicable. Tell her you don't hate her, this is the best thing for both of us to be happy, and we can communicate via text messaging going forward (paper trail). The ex wife and I have never got along so well since I moved out, it's amazing! Stay around on TAM, it's a great place to get advice and see how others in similar situations are coping.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Do it on a day that you have the day off. Bring a few friends to help. Have a list of what you want to take, and a couple of back up copies, one for her and one tucked away with one of your friends just in case she goes crazy and starts ripping up lists. 

If you think she will get physical, you may want to have the police notified. This depends highly on where you live, some cops are better than others. But in a half decent community if you give them heads up that you'll be moving out and think things could get ugly, they will send and officer to standby and watch. 

When your friends (aka witnesses) arrive, tell her you are moving out. Give her your reasons, but be fair and concise (do not get into a debate about it, make sure it's focused on your feelings). Tell her what you are taking and give her your list. If she gets physical or starts breaking things, call the police. Do not try to physically stop her. Just take notes or video of her breaking your stuff so you can try to recoup those costs in your divorce settlement. If you try to physically interfere she can claim you assaulted her. 

Pack quickly and have your friends help you load it into whatever vehicle you are using. 

Some things you'll want to consider:
- The lease agreement probably has both your names on it, make sure your divorce settlement covers who is responsible for rent. Get the lease changed, while your name is on it, you will be held responsible to pay. She can not pay rent, get evicted and the collections folks will come after you for the balance.
- Any bank accounts with her name on them? Get your money out the day before and your name off the accounts.
- Is she an authorized user on any credit cards? Get name off the day before so she can't go on a spending spree with your money.
- Change any passwords to online access to any sensitive accounts (financial, social or shopping)

Consult a lawyer first wouldn't be a bad idea. If you have the will to wait a short while, you could present her with divorce papers on move out day. That will send a clear signal you are serious about this and stem off any feeble attempt at manipulating you into staying.


----------



## Jimmy2010 (May 16, 2016)

Happilymarried25, My problem is that I had "nice guy syndrome" . If you don't know about this look up the book: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

This "syndrome" not only has affected my marriage, but looking back, all my past relationships. My problem is that I didn't realize I had this problem until about a year ago and I am now recovering from it. However, my wife has not taken well to it, which the book warns about.

I'm not looking to jump into a new relationship any time soon, but just figure out how to be happy being myself and getting my own needs met.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Are you really afraid to have a talk with her? I'm sure you are bigger then her so it's not like she can get physical and hurt you. Don't write her a letter phone her or text her. Be a man and tell her in person. Have your stuff packed and a place to go and tell her you are leaving because of the way she treats you. I'm sure she didn't start out treating you this way or you wouldn't have married her so before you jump into another relationship get some help to figure out what did you do to contribute to her changing and becoming abusive. I'm always a big skeptical when a husband claims his wife is abusive.


I basically agree with this. Moving out when she is not home is cowardly. Unmanly, is a better term.

I do agree that it makes the execution easier...no screaming, no grabbing, no conflict. The neighbors do not have to witness a hillbilly pack-and-grab and run "fer-it" Just pack up your stuff and peel out of the driveway!

*TO DO THIS, you must have a place to go*. It could be another apartment, a friends or relatives place [temporally], that is.

As I understand it, she DID NOT CHEAT. Her crime? She is hard to live with and disrespectful. She will need some support from you in this process. Oh I know, she will be a monster in the unfolding saga [process]. 

If she is willing, help her in this process. If she is not....well, you tried. I think she will get help from her nearby family. 

Have a plan. Oh, I forgot you are asking us for a plan.

1) Consult an attorney...find out your liabilities and options. Use this advice to start the plan. File for divorce.

2) Where do you want to be in one year? That is the end-game.

3)Make a list of all the things that you want to take with you.

4) Get a place to stay, before you fly-the-coop and become a Walk away Husband....WAH.

5) You are dumping YOUR WIFE. She is not working. How is she going to survive, to eat, to pay the mortgage or rent. Like it -or not-your are abandoning her. Will her family help her through HER crisis? Likely.

6) Have your new abode in-place. Have most of your stuff pre-moved there.

7) Separate bank accounts and cancel all credit cards. Maybe activate a new one in your name only, for emergencies.

8) Give her a heads-up. Give everyone a heads-up.

9) If this is too hard for you [bolting out the door when she is there] then do what you need to. 

10)I would give advance notice. I would say it calmly TO ALL, Me and the WIFE. are going to separate and likely divorce. Leave the "separate" article in there. It gives hope to some, and takes the sting out of the action. You sound like you want to divorce, not separate. This separation clause will ease your exit.

11) You say that she is nasty. You should not be. Be amicable and cool through the whole process. Prove to her and yourself that you are indeed, a good guy. Divorces happen. They are rarely life threatening. They do not have to be like the "War of the Roses."

Good Luck!


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I moved out July 15th 2014, in the middle of the night with my 20yo daughter and 3 dogs. I left in a hurry because my husband became violent and almost killed one of our dogs.

I thought I did all the right things. First thing I did was to make sure that my state did not have abandonment laws. Then I (calmly) told him I was leaving in advance and spent the next few months making arrangements. Nothing was hidden, he indicated that he was resigned to it and even wanted me gone. When my new lease was ready to sign was when he flipped out and became violent. When I returned 2 weeks later, with the movers, I arranged for the local police to be present during the move.

My advice is to plan ahead and be careful … separate funds and protect valuables in advance, do this before you tell her anything. If you tell her in advance make sure you are wearing a voice-activated recorder just in case. You want to avoid a false domestic violence charge.


----------



## Jimmy2010 (May 16, 2016)

I spoke to a lawyer and if I just leave its considered abandonment. Another question, have any of you divorced a wife who didn't work? How did your alimony or support turn out?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I'm always a big skeptical when a husband claims his wife is abusive.


Why? 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, if you have no kids, what does your wife actually do at home all day?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Jimmy2010 said:


> Good day,
> 
> To make a long story short, I have been emotionally abused for the last 2 years and since I don't see my wife changing I want out.
> 
> ...


Part of the problem is that you have faith in the idea that she pulls your strings. If you are concerned about your property, then you have options of having law enforcement involved.

In terms of the emotional side, the most powerful thing you can do is stand up and tell her. Let her words come. She only has power over you if you accept her poison. So let her be emotionally violent. Just let her emotional blows roll off your shoulders. This is an art form, but step one is facing the fear. 

Tell her that you are leaving. Leave it at that. Let her say whatever she wishes. Then just say you understand and leave it there. You don't have to defend your position. You don't have to attack her emotional poison.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Jimmy2010 said:


> I spoke to a lawyer and if I just leave its considered abandonment. Another question, have any of you divorced a wife who didn't work? How did your alimony or support turn out?


You have only been married for three years, your lawyer should have given you an idea of what to expect for alimony. IF you were ordered to pay it the amount would not be very much for very long. The longer you wait to divorce her the more alimony you will end up paying. Don't have sex with her and risk getting her pregnant.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Part of the problem is that you have faith in the idea that she pulls your strings. If you are concerned about your property, then you have options of having law enforcement involved.
> 
> In terms of the emotional side, the most powerful thing you can do is stand up and tell her. Let her words come. She only has power over you if you accept her poison. So let her be emotionally violent. Just let her emotional blows roll off your shoulders. This is an art form, but step one is facing the fear.
> 
> ...


This is perfect advice.

However, to someone who is on the receiving end of abuse, whether emotional or physical, these people don't understand their power.

Until they do, there is a fine line between blaming the victim and enabling them to remain a victim.

And for those who think men can't be abused? That attitude is the second largest problem in it being allowed to continue. The first is failing to acknowledge the advice in this post.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Jimmy2010 (May 16, 2016)

Don't have to worry about the pregnant part.....in 3 years we have had sex about 12-15 times and that's counting wedding night and honeymoon. 

Lack of intimacy is my number 1 motive.


----------

