# Always thought we'd stick it out- til now



## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi All,
Desperately need help here. Been married 12 years and have 2 young kids. From day 1, we have had serious issues. We have had a lot of passion and good sex, but incredible fights. After he pushed me once, we went to therapy for a couple of years but he does not take ownership of his anger nor his issues. Our lives began unraveling after my son's health issue that got me to quit work and forced my husband into trying to make an insane amount of money per month. We borrowed on our house, made horrible choices and when the housing market crashed, we lost our home. He has made me in charge of all finances and also blames me for his lot in life and the choices he has made.

I am clearly at fault for a lot. I see my part, but I have begged him to work on the marriage, to respect me, to cut down on his drinking, etc.. He can be an amazing guy and very kind and loving and then not so much...it can change quickly. He says all he does is for the family, but our relationship feels dead and there is no emotionally intimacy hardly. He has threatened divorce at least a dozen times and said I pushed him to marry me and have kids. 

I used to beg for him to work on us, to stick it out. Recently, I lost weight and am more confident; trying to focus on myself and my happiness. With that, (please don't judge), I began an EA with a friend of mine who gave me attention that I was missing. Never in 12 years had I ever strayed. It became physical, no sex, twice. 

I now feel incredible guilt cause it was wrong and I know it. I don't know if my feeling for wanting to leave is due to the continuing nightmare that is my marriage or if I feel so badly for what I did. I think my relationship feels over but I do love my husband although he refuses therapy and is now drinking everyday and has said he has no room to work on our relationship. 

I don't know my next step. I have said we should separate or consider divorce but he doesn't take me seriously. We love our kids but I don't believe we are showing them a good model for a relationship.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

If he isn't going to work on it and make it work, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue with the way it is and direction it is going.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

what's an EA?


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

KenCasanova said:


> what's an EA?


EA= Emotional Affair


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

confusedkimmy said:


> I think my relationship feels over but I do love my husband although he refuses therapy and is now drinking everyday and has said he has no room to work on our relationship.
> 
> I don't know my next step.


If he doesn`t care and won`t stop drinking there`s really nothing you can do but divorce him.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> If he doesn`t care and won`t stop drinking there`s really nothing you can do but divorce him.


Forgot to mention the weed too. He has back problems. Prob needs surgery. I feel so empty around him, like almost dead and don't know if I'll be able to come back from this feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Physical, no sex isn't the same as emotional affair.
It crossed a line and became physical. Maybe not intercourse but you touched romantically/sexually.

Anyway.

All marriages have problems and you don't solve them by starting a relationship with another person.

You tell your spouse you crossed lines. You tell them you are very unhappy and think you were before crossing the lines. You see if that shakes him out of his enui and lack of desire to fix things.

Then you decide if you want to work with him on the marriage or file for divorce an just rip it apart and start anew from a distance as a co-parent and nothing more.

It is simple but very emotional. THAT is emotion. THAT is intensity. You gotta do it to move in a direction that is workable somehow.


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## StrongerNow (Jan 11, 2012)

I have been married to an alcoholic (highly functioning very successful one but still) who ate away my life for 9 years. I ended up have an A….but it was all physical. I realized very quick it was my stupid, clumsy way of leaving my marriage finally. H has had intense therapy apart and together, AA, everything. He's now turning into the man I wished for everyday of our marriage (becuase I knew he was there). Problem……I can't seem to get past the damage. I listened to ALL THESE PEOPLE who say "do what it takes, it's worth the effort blah, blah, blah". I did all of that. Now I resent the time I wasted on a person who didn't notice me until I walked out.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Quit the horsing around with other guys. That's adultery and no better than the crap your husband has done to you. If he is a drunk, is violent, and you have done everything you can to get him to change his ways, then you need to leave and leave now! Divorce him. I grew up in a violent home with an alcoholic dad who beat my mom. She never would leave him because (sniff, sniff) she did not want us kids to have the trauma of going through a divorce. Well, today I have forgiven my dad (who has been sober 10 years) but I still have not forgiven my mom for keeping us kids in that hellish environment. Im 43 y.o. and I'm still f*cked because of it! Your husband dad his shot and he blew it. While you are separated, don't have sex or see other guys. You need to look back at your divorce with a clean conscience, and committing adultery while separated is adultery... don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You need to learn to become self sufficient, so you do not have to relay on dirtbag men like your husband to take care of you.


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