# I need help - it's a complicated situation



## AwkwardLife (Jan 3, 2014)

My wife and I both have children from previous marriages, none of our own. We decided to keep our blended family blended and not bring in a child who lives with us full-time, mostly because we don't want any of our children to feel like second-rate family members. We both have split custody with our exes, so at any given time we have either hers, mine, or all of the children with us depending on how the schedules work out. Occasionally we have the house completely to ourselves, which is a beautiful thing almost every parent wishes they could have from time to time. Aside from the normal blending issues, this has been wonderful. The kids all get along, they've attached to us and us to them, and we really do make the best of a complicated life by trying to keep things consistent and as un-complicated as we reasonably can.

Last year, however, my wife's ex went through a bad divorce. He lost his job and his house, and needed somewhere to be until he could get back on his feet. This may sound a bit odd, but he and I get along great and we consider each-other family. We invited him to live with us until he could get back on his feet. My wife has, for obvious reasons, more emotional issues with him living with us than I do. But we figured it was the right thing to do, and it was only temporary.

It's been close to a year now, and things have not been good. There is concern now that he may be at the early stages of schizophrenia, and life has been... random. Each day is different, some good, some bad, but every day is hard on the kids. My wife's children live with us full-time now of course, and they've witnessed some of the bad episodes. The entire house is full of stress, and we never know what to expect when we wake each day.

After I finally recovered from the depression that follows divorce, I was on the road to recovering my life. I did well at work, got promotions, finally got past the "Disneyland Dad" thing, and unexpectedly found a wonderful woman who shared many of the same interests as me. We've been together for almost five years and I feel blessed to know what marriage is "supposed" to be like. We're partners in marriage and in life - the key that was missing from my first marriage. Life has been good and getting better, until now.

I want to help him. But it's affecting the kids, and some of the more outrageous episodes frightened all of us. He's seeing a therapist and we're seeking medical advice, but I can't seem to kick the feeling that it's slowly tearing my wife and I apart and putting too much stress on our kids. Home isn't a happy place anymore, it's a place of stress. I don't look forward to coming home from work anymore, and our kids have been asking more and more to stay at friends' houses.

I'm so lost. I don't know what else to do. He's been in the hospital, he's seeing a therapist, we're working toward medical management, but the prognosis is not good. There is a good chance he will need to have long-term assisted living, and he has no family but us. We can't afford professional long-term care, so I don't know what to do. I feel guilty for wishing I could have my happy home back, but at the same time I feel upset that I can't provide a stable and happy home for our children.

I need to hear your thoughts. Anything. I feel like I'm losing it, that the stress is getting me too down and that the randomness of household life is somehow rubbing off on me. What can I do? Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you handle it? I don't want to lay my feelings on my wife because she spends most of her time worried about him and is already stressed out. But I don't think I'm dealing with it very well anymore, and I don't want to mess up this relationship too.

I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.


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## jay125 (May 15, 2013)

Wow, that is a though situation to be in. I am praying for you and your family. I am sorry but i would not have taken him in, marriage is hard and even harder with another person around especially your wife's ex.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Does he get disability income or welfare? Have you contacted your local mental health agency for housing assistance? You can't go on like this.

If he held a job how severe could his mental health issues be? What kind of job did he hold and for how long? Are you sure he is not clinging on to you because he is afraid to be alone?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Schizophrenia usually first appears in the late teens or early 20's. How was he not diagnosed before?

You have to help him find somewhere else to live, you cannot go on like this. I understand you were being kind and trying to help him, but it honestly was a bad idea from the get go.


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## AwkwardLife (Jan 3, 2014)

Thank you for the replies and the prayers, they are appreciated more than you know.

He is working on getting some kind of long-term disability income now. He's a software developer, so he spends a lot of his time working alone. According to my wife, he started having hygiene issues when they were married and he would spend a lot of time lost in games. Talking to therapists recently, we've found that those are tell-tale symptoms of early onset schizophrenia.

He has been in a care facility a couple of times during the really bad episodes, but the doctors there said he is not a direct threat to himself or to others so they sent him home again.

I do think fear of being alone has a lot to do with the reluctance to move out. To be honest, I understand how he feels and I do feel sorry for him. However, it's one thing to be kind and supporting, and another to completely sacrifice yourself and your family to someone else's troubles. I think you all are right, and it's time for all of us to make a moving-out plan. I'm all for supporting him when he needs it, just not in my house.

Thank you again. I appreciate the outside perspective!


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

AwkwardLife said:


> Thank you for the replies and the prayers, they are appreciated more than you know.
> 
> He is working on getting some kind of long-term disability income now. He's a software developer, so he spends a lot of his time working alone. According to my wife, he started having hygiene issues when they were married and he would spend a lot of time lost in games. Talking to therapists recently, we've found that those are tell-tale symptoms of early onset schizophrenia.
> 
> ...


Software developer, hygene issues, etc... Any way this could be something like Aspergers?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

That is quite the situation and I can related to some degree. 

Let me start by saying big kudos to you for being the person you are and helping the guy out as you have given the unique circumstances.

I hate to say it though but the reality is that you need to get him out. Really. He is the father to your wife's children. Yes. The whole thing is unfortunate. But consider that you're allowing your wife's ex-husband to have a significant impact on you and yours. You mention about affording to get him into long-term care. This guy isn't your father. You don't need to afford any of it. Your wife and he divorced for a reason. He needs to go. 

Check with an attorney or county law clerk to see what's required to evict him and begin the process, or be prepared for it, immediately.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think your first priority should be to your family and yourself. Otherwise you might as well open your basement up as a homeless shelter...

Having said that, you don't need to be heartless. You can give him some time to adjust to the idea and set things up.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

I can understand your feelings of guilt, but truly, you (and your wife) have done a lot for him already. I'd say the next time he's hospitalized, when they send him 'home' it's not to your home. There must be some governmental agency that could intervene or have his expenses paid by some other means. You owe it to your wife, all the kids and yourself to take back your home. It's an honorable thing to keep having him stay, but it's only in his best interest - not in the best interest of anyone else involved. All the best.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Oh, especially if there's already been a diagnosis of early schziophrenia. You and your wife, I'd guess, are not qualified to deal with something like this (medically speaking)


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