# My wife is bisexual and she's confused about her sexuality



## iwnfila2 (Dec 5, 2011)

Hi;

First off, this is my first post so it may not be in the right section of the Forum, although I have checked the other sections and this seems to be the more fitting. If need be, please move it where it belongs.

Let's see, how to start this... I am a 31 years old male, heterosexual, married to a 27 years old girl since soon 5 years. We have a kid who just turned 2 and who makes us very happy as parents.

We met through a discussion Forum (of all places) about 6 years ago and we hit it off pretty rapidly. I immediately fell in love with her, with her views of the world, how she thinks, and also about the fact that she wanted to have a stable, healthy relationship after failing to find someone who would give her such stability, as did I. I was going through a "celibacy patch" of sorts, I did not wanted to meet any girl unless she met my criteria and she met it, perhaps not completely but at least 95% of the important points.

She was living in Europe, I was living in North America, and though the distance was great, we still confessed to each other how much we cared for one another, and vowed to meet each other as soon as possible. Lucky for me, she was going to go on vacations relatively soon to North America, so I did what I had to do to go and meet her. From the very first second I saw her I knew in my heart I loved her. She wasn't, and still isn't perfect, but I love her with all my heart, and we spent a whole weekend proving to each other we loved one another.

Yes, there was sex, lots of it, but there was also holding hands, eating pizza out of each other's hands, going to movies (and stealing a movie too), generally good fun, and the best start of a relationship I have ever had. Time run out, I had to come back to my reality and she had to go back to hers, but we couldn't stop it there.

Long story short, we jumped and hooped all sort of obstacles and married on the very same date we met a year later.

I knew way before we married that she, at least though, she was bisexual. She didn't had any experience with girls but she was sexually aroused by both genders, and quite sincerely I had no problems with this. I always told her I would support her, and I have done so, so long as my needs/our relationship would be paramount and first over anything else. The first three years of our relationship went by the usual way: some money problems, family meddling, some problems in bed sometimes, but nothing that worried me. We were happy, and even though we had problems our complicity was always top-notch, we used to finish each other sentences and not only the first year, we are both fairly smart and we challenged each other, something that fascinated me, because I can't be attracted to someone who I deem to be stupid, so to speak.

We had our kid, and things were still going pretty well, so to speak. Our sex life, and her sex drive (except for when she was pregnant) reduced considerably, even though I tried many ways to rekindle it. Getting shut down almost everytime, though, became tiring. I let her know so, and also suggested she/we visit a sexual therapist, some kind of professional help, but for various reasons it didn't happen.

Fast forward a few months later, she contacts a female friend of her (that she met while we were dating since both were living in Europe, with whom she shared a kiss/some kind of light sexual contact) and they developed a very good friendship. I saw no problems in this, I was this her #1 and our relationship seemed as secure as always, despite the problems. They talked and messaged each other non stop, but this isn't out of the usual for two girls. My wife was always attracted to her, I wouldn't mind, and her friend always seemed "on the fence". Being both married, with kids, I figured they would both be comfortable enough to share a night of sexual passion if need be, and be able to work it out as what it was - just sex.

Well, they met during one week about two months ago, and everything has changed ever since. Like I said, it's not as if our sexual life was the best before they met, but it basically went from wherever it was to zero. I noticed, almost right away, how my wife changed with me, even if she didn't realized it at first. She cried, with me and alone I guess, over this and with time she has come to confess she has strong feelings for her friend, which basically are stronger than for me, or at least so it seems. So, in essence, I *feel* as if I have been replaced for somebody/something else. She has also since then admitted her sex drive, for men in general (including me), has dropped to the point where she doesn't have any desire for heterosexual sex. Or, maybe she does, but not right now. That's as best as I can describe it.

I have been taking this rather badly. Not only because in some way I feel sort of betrayed by the whole situation (after all, I never told her not to pursue her fantasies and even played with her sometimes with them in bed), but because I feel I am getting the short stick of it all, and not only sexually. The complicity we had, though still there, is shaky, and we had fought too many times about this to count, which doesn't help. I can't cope very well with it, she still is the love of my life but I don't know if I'm still something more than a friend for her. There are worse days than others, but usually I am moody, not very inclined to constructive conversation and I am having a very hard time believing she's about to separate (not yet divorce, though there has been some talks I'd rather not think about) from me, to be alone as she has told me she desires to think about what she wants.

One detail that I think is good to note is, like I said, she was unfulfilled with relationships before, as was I. She has told me in great detail the way boys have broken her heart before and how she was a bit promiscuous even though she just wanted a healthy relationship. I always tried to be the best husband I could be, though I know I am not perfect. She once let me read her diary and I could read how she would fall in love/get head over hills for people who would either use her or not be in it for what she wanted.

Though I know her friend is not a guy, the fact that she's confused about her sexuality now scares me. She says I am the best man she could ever get, that she cares for what we have but that she cannot be egoist and have me wait for her – which is true. We are separating soon, so she can sort out her problems/desires (which, I guess, also imply having sex with other women, or perhaps the women I think she fell in love with, to be more precise).

Is this a phase? Is she turning into lesbian? Or is she just confused about her bisexuality and having problems reconciliating the fact that she enjoys having sex with women with her feelings, for me and for her? I honestly don’t know. I hope she’s not falling in love with her because “it’s new”. Our sex life, right now, is non existent. We did tried to have sex, at her request, about three weeks ago but it wasn’t the same. It’s as if she wasn’t there, or I was bothering her, and that coupled to the fact I had masturbated myself in the morning (like almost daily since this whole thing started) made it impossible to enjoy. I couldn’t orgasm.

It isn’t about sex completely anymore. It’s about her feelings for her friend and for me. I am aware she’s not having the time of her life, because she used to be very sexual with men (I can attest to this fact because we did used to have great, body-wretching-for-a-few-minutes sex) and now she’s extremely confused, I can’t obviously not imagine what she’s going through, but I am very, very scared of what this all means for us as a couple. Yes, we are going to separate, but how is this going to help our relationship? I guess if she has more time to think about what she wants or need, with me not being around being depressed (no matter how hard I try not to), it can only help, but there’s always the chance that, in the end, I will end up losing her. Yes, losing someone who does not love you anymore is not really losing, but I have given this relationship a lot of myself because I truly believed in it, and this is a blindside. I still have problems with it, obviously.
I also fear I’m not what she wants anymore. That she doesn’t love me anymore, basically. She might care for me, yes, and I’ll always be the father of our child but this scares the living hell out of me, because I still love her deeply. She has said it would be a lose-lose situation for her if she decided not to come back with me (her family, academic situation and feelings would be torn, among other things) but this is indeed a possibility. There are more talks about going to a sexual therapist, but she has gone only once in more than a month (I think) and I cannot force this on her.

Any thoughts? I know this is long, and long-winded, but I needed to vent. Please feel free to ask me any detail that could help you give me an answer. If it’s feasible, I will give you an answer. 

Please also bear in mind that I know it takes two to tango. This was OUR relationship to break. But I am still the same guy she met 6 years ago, at least sexually/sentimentally I am. In no way I think this is her fault completely, but even though it takes two to tango, she is the one who (might have) fell in love with someone else – what I thought was merely a fantasy that I accepted in her like I accepted her as a whole when we married.
I would appreciate any feedback.

Thanks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is an EA with this person, and sounds like it has gone PA during the week they were together.

The genders font matter. Your wife is cheating, and her feelings of love have shifted from her husband to her affair partner. This happens with straight and bi people, the genders don't matter. It is the fact that she is emotionally connecting and putting more effort into the affair partner than she is you.

So this isn't about her being bi lesbian or confused. This is about her stepping outside marriage and cheating.

If you separate all you are accomplishing is gving her a guilt free pass to escalate her cheating.

You shoud post this over in the infidelity forums.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

This isnt going to be helpful...

You let her indulge a fantasy. Bisexuality is where an individual is capable of being physically AND emotionally attracted to both sexes. So many people think its just about sex, and I dont know why.

When you gave her a green light to "fool around" with the other girl, you gave her a green light to see if the two of them had any type of emotional and physical chemistry. Considering they had a friendship, any type of physical intimacy between them will absolutely hold emotional strings.

Allowing a Bisexual partner to date other people (even if same gender) is logically no different than a boyfriend letting a girlfriend date other boys.

You can give her some space and see what she wants to do, or you can fight for her. Given, by the end of your post it sounds like she has gone full blown lesbian.

Either way, there isnt much you really can do to sway her. She needs to figure out her sexuality.


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

Sorry to hear that you're going through this. I had a similar issue with my wife about 5 months ago, though not nearly to the extent of your situation. I think that for me what really made the difference was laying down the law early and letting her know I felt that anything involving another person was out of bounds, even if it was another woman. We had too many other problems to deal with to survive yet another issue. That doesn't mean she's really hewed to my boundaries on the issue or on other issues, but at the very least she knows how I feel about the whole thing and can't claim I would have been okay with it. I hope everything works out for you guys and you find a way to deal with the whole thing without it hurting your marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I believe my wife is bi-in-denial. But just because a person finds both genders sexually arousing doesn't mean they must have one of each.


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I believe my wife is bi-in-denial. But just because a person finds both genders sexually arousing doesn't mean they must have one of each.


This is right on. I think my wife denies things a lot too, she likes the behavior but denies the label sometimes and embraces it at other times. But what you say about such people not needing "one of each" is exactly what I've said to my wife. I think the poster should consider that confusion along these lines doesn't justify any betrayal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I like red heads, butvim damn sure my wife will not accept my exploring that need any more than I would accept her exploring a need for tall dark polo players.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You let her contact someone who she had feelings for and went physical before.

They talked ALL DAY LONG and you didn't stop it.

They went away together.

Now she isn't attracted to you anymore.


Bi or not your wife cheated/is cheating on you. Her being bi has nothing to do with your current problem. Your current problem is your wife is involved in a physical and emotional affair.

The reason she's not attracted to you is because she feels emotionally disconnected and she's found someone else that meets that connection for her. It happens to be a woman but it could also be a man just as easily.

Your dealing with the symptoms as if they are the problem. The problem is not who your wife is attracted to, the problem is that your wife is INVOLVED with someone that is not her spouse. You need counselling (individual and marriage), you need to read books/info about dealing with affair partners, you need to "man up" and get some self-respect, and while you're doing all these things, you need to find out what happened in your marriage that pushed your wife away.

Make no mistake your wife cheating is 100% her fault (though you made it easy on her). But what got her to that point is 50% your fault. From your perspective your marriage was fine until she started talking to this chick, from her perspective, the marriage was probably not fine. In fact, she probably was giving you warning signs the whole time and you just didn't pick up on them. That's normal, you're a guy, that's what we do. Don't mistake them now though, you're marriage is at stake. If you want to reconcile with your wife you're going to have to find out what you did wrong and attempt to correct those mistakes. If you don't want to reconcile, then start gathering evidence for your divorce case and stop worrying about your wife's sexuality.


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