# Crippling Loneliness in Seperation



## chronicallyfrustrated

Hi Everyone,

This is mostly a vent/external processing. I don't really have a specific question, I just want to put down how I feel and have it be heard by others. Thanks to anyone who reads.

Brief background: DH and I have been separated living together for about three months now. We see each other and talk daily, and sometimes have fun adventures or dates, and still do important tasks together such as grocery shopping or doctor's appointments. However, the distance established by eating and sleeping apart is absolutely killing me. We've only had sex 'successfully' once in the last three months. The space of separation has been really good for both of us. I have been able to focus on studies/college and health. DH has been able to focus more on himself, and is coming around to confront dissociative or damaging habits like internet addiction, porn obsession and alcohol, without direct intervention/push from me. He is also delving more deeply into childhood trauma, and using the emotional space to process that. I understand the work DH is doing in IC and on himself, and I am extremely grateful, as many of these developments are long overdue.

During IC/MC yesterday, DH re-asserted that what he wants/feels he needs is MORE space. He is considering doing a silent retreat, or perhaps just camping alone for a week or so. I am fine with this, and actually more afraid that he won't go. I want him to heal, and be happy, and able to grow, and eventually able to be a healthy parent.

However, I am really ready for trying to carefully place things back together and end our separation. Although DH has reaffirmed our marriage and neither of us have intentions to give up on the marriage, there is no clear timeline on when DH will be ready to end separation. DH is doing a lot of healing, and I want to be patient though that... But, I'm very lonely, emotionally and sexually, and not having a clear end in sight leaves me in a place of hopelessness/despair. It is hard to get started on my own path, with my DH's path isn't also clearly defined...

Like I said at the top, this is more of a vent/external processing. I don't really have a question. I am just trying to figure out how to stay centered, happy, and focused on my own growth as it relates to having a healthy relationship, when there is no deadline on DH's struggles or end in sight for separation.

Thanks to anyone who reads.
Kayla


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## 3Xnocharm

So he moved out to have space, and now he wants MORE space?? Sounds like you'd better be checking for a girlfriend.


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## RideofmyLife

Sounds like they're still living together. OP, have you thought about asking him to set a time frame for your separation?


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## C3156

You are in a tough spot between marriage and divorce (sorry, I have not read all your threads). I give you props for being able to hold up during this period. If he is truly working on healing/addressing his issues, it will take some time to work through. He will need your support through this time.

That being said, he cannot expect to work in a vacuum forever and not work with you to address the issues in the marriage. It sounds like you are in MC, which is great, but not sure how much time you all are spending working *on* the marriage? I get the impression that it is not a lot. Have you brought up your concerns/loneliness with your counselor? It seems a bit unfair that you should have to sit on the sidelines while he does whatever it is he is doing. Marriage is a group activity, I would expect that part of his work involves you and the family together. Leaving you hanging out to dry (no pun intended) seems counter intuitive and will more than likely drive a bigger wedge it what sounds like a fragile marriage.


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## Openminded

You aren't truly separated. 

Sounds like he's waffling. 

Is he cheating?


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## Steve1000

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> I am just trying to figure out how to stay centered, happy, and focused on my own growth as it relates to having a healthy relationship, when there is no deadline on DH's struggles or end in sight for separation.
> 
> Thanks to anyone who reads.
> Kayla


Kayla, I don't recommend that you ask him how much more time he'll need. Instead, you need to back some control of your life and set a time limit. I also suggest that you keep your deadline to yourself.


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## aine

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> This is mostly a vent/external processing. I don't really have a specific question, I just want to put down how I feel and have it be heard by others. Thanks to anyone who reads.
> 
> Brief background: DH and I have been separated living together for about three months now. We see each other and talk daily, and sometimes have fun adventures or dates, and still do important tasks together such as grocery shopping or doctor's appointments. However, the distance established by eating and sleeping apart is absolutely killing me. We've only had sex 'successfully' once in the last three months. The space of separation has been really good for both of us. I have been able to focus on studies/college and health. DH has been able to focus more on himself, and is coming around to confront dissociative or damaging habits like internet addiction, porn obsession and alcohol, without direct intervention/push from me. He is also delving more deeply into childhood trauma, and using the emotional space to process that. I understand the work DH is doing in IC and on himself, and I am extremely grateful, as many of these developments are long overdue.
> 
> During IC/MC yesterday, DH re-asserted that what he wants/feels he needs is MORE space. He is considering doing a silent retreat, or perhaps just camping alone for a week or so. I am fine with this, and actually more afraid that he won't go. I want him to heal, and be happy, and able to grow, and eventually able to be a healthy parent.
> 
> However, I am really ready for trying to carefully place things back together and end our separation. Although DH has reaffirmed our marriage and neither of us have intentions to give up on the marriage, there is no clear timeline on when DH will be ready to end separation. DH is doing a lot of healing, and I want to be patient though that... But, I'm very lonely, emotionally and sexually, and not having a clear end in sight leaves me in a place of hopelessness/despair. It is hard to get started on my own path, with my DH's path isn't also clearly defined...
> 
> Like I said at the top, this is more of a vent/external processing. I don't really have a question. I am just trying to figure out how to stay centered, happy, and focused on my own growth as it relates to having a healthy relationship, when there is no deadline on DH's struggles or end in sight for separation.
> 
> Thanks to anyone who reads.
> Kayla


If it is any consolation, at least you are both making progress. i think this time apart will also show you that your happiness must come from yourself not from your H. Work on you, go out make friends, join clubs, do something with your time. Remember a strong, healthy, independent wife is what your H will need when he is through with his recovery. Not someone who is needy, despairing, depressed, etc.


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## Ynot

Actually to me, it doesn't sound as though you are truly separated, only that you aren't sleeping together so your statement sounds more like you are complaining about lack of sex more than anything else. If you are lonely in this arrangement, and he needs some space, I would suggest you take the opportunity to discover how you are and stop worrying about the relationship. It sounds like you are afraid to be alone and are still clinging to the relationship, which might be exactly why he needs more space. My advice, is to give it to him and focus on your self.


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## chronicallyfrustrated

3Xnocharm said:


> So he moved out to have space, and now he wants MORE space?? Sounds like you'd better be checking for a girlfriend.





Openminded said:


> Is he cheating?


Definitely not. This was an early concern, but even with separation, there haven't been signs of this. We have directly talked about how he's considered it, and how he went through a wishy-washy process leading up to specifically deciding not to. 



C3156 said:


> You are in a tough spot between marriage and divorce (sorry, I have not read all your threads). I give you props for being able to hold up during this period. If he is truly working on healing/addressing his issues, it will take some time to work through. He will need your support through this time.
> 
> That being said, he cannot expect to work in a vacuum forever and not work with you to address the issues in the marriage. It sounds like you are in MC, which is great, but not sure how much time you all are spending working *on* the marriage? I get the impression that it is not a lot. Have you brought up your concerns/loneliness with your counselor? It seems a bit unfair that you should have to sit on the sidelines while he does whatever it is he is doing. Marriage is a group activity, I would expect that part of his work involves you and the family together. Leaving you hanging out to dry (no pun intended) seems counter intuitive and will more than likely drive a bigger wedge it what sounds like a fragile marriage.


Our MC is very good at balancing our time. It typically goes 45 mins Kayla in IC, 45 mins DH in IC, and then 30 mins together. However, MC is a new development on this front. We have both been in IC off and on for years when the specter of childhood trauma raises it's head. It just so happens that, with more time to himself, DH is seeing himself more as an individual (GOOD) and is better able to see his damaging habits (REALLY GOOD). Since he can see them, and see how they are damaging him and the blame cannot be appropriated to me, he is doing much more to deal with them (F*CKING AMAZING). In that way, I am not left by the sidelines, as now DH is doing a lot of independent work on things he previously wouldn't have worked on without my demanding it. I'm really impressed/proud and I want to wait to see the results.

I suppose I am just feeling particularly frustrated today, as I am processing/understanding yesterday's MC developments.



Ynot said:


> Actually to me, it doesn't sound as though you are truly separated, only that you aren't sleeping together so your statement sounds more like you are complaining about lack of sex more than anything else. If you are lonely in this arrangement, and he needs some space, I would suggest you take the opportunity to discover how you are and stop worrying about the relationship. It sounds like you are afraid to be alone and are still clinging to the relationship, which might be exactly why he needs more space. My advice, is to give it to him and focus on your self.


Being afraid to be alone is something I have worked on extensively in therapy. I used to be extremely afraid of being alone - not just emotionally, in the sense of relationship, but even physically alone. I spent some time in "danger to myself" territory, and so have had to learn I can exist by myself without being a danger to myself. I also suffered a great deal of general and social anxiety, and for some time even refused to leave my home. That was nearly a decade ago now, when I was a teenager/young adult, and I've made great recovery since then. 

If I have difficulty giving DH space, it is when he is home. And, even then, if he is in his room and his door is closed, I understand that means he is looking for privacy. We have gone from spending most of or all of our non-work time together, to spending very little of it together. Typically only enough to get the important things done, and attend pre-planned dates when one or the other proposes them. I am not at DH's door whining for him to come out. On the contrary, DH is much more likely to show up at my door, interrupt me with a chat and then leave abruptly. He is more likely to interrupt me if I am busy, such as working on homework. Honestly, DH initiated our separation because I was spending significant time in what was our office space (now his bedroom) doing homework and other 'me time' projects. *TL;DR Boundaries are difficult, DH is going through a lot and doesn't know WHAT level of proximity to me he actually wants.*

If it sounds like I am super bothered that he wants more space, I'm not. In fact, more than anything, I'm afraid he won't do it. I would absolutely love if he ran away to the mountains for a week, or attended some 10 day silent meditation thing. But, he has to find the right path, plan ahead, gather resources, communicate and coordinate with others, prepare, and execute. He has a hard time with processes like this - finding a job, setting up a vacation, making doctor's appointments, etc - so more than anything, I'm afraid he doesn't want the space bad enough to figure it out. 

Sexually, we are both HD people. DH is working through some sexual trauma. He needs space on this front, as much as I can give. This not only means no sex, but no nudity between us, no flirtation between us, no romance, etc... This is a bit of a new development, through IC/MC yesterday, so, I am not entirely sure how I feel about it. Other than both very sad for my husband's sexual trauma, and very upset about my sentence of indefinite celibacy. 



aine said:


> If it is any consolation, at least you are both making progress. i think this time apart will also show you that your happiness must come from yourself not from your H. Work on you, go out make friends, join clubs, do something with your time. Remember a strong, healthy, independent wife is what your H will need when he is through with his recovery. Not someone who is needy, despairing, depressed, etc.


My time is quite full. As described above, my choice to fill my time with activities BESIDES doting on/doing things for DH is what triggered the separation to begin with. I am spending 28-34 hours a week at work, and 30-40 hours a week focused on my college education. Otherwise, I am crafty and not easily bored, and I find creative or interactive outlets for my remaining energy/time. I am primarily depressed in this relationship from a lack of timeline. I don't know how long things will go on. DH has a lot to work on. I'm very proud of him and know he can work through it. But, I'm afraid he won't, or I'm afraid his pace will be so slow that we will miss the best years of our lives for having been separated.


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## 3Xnocharm

Ok so WHAT EXACTLY is his issue?? Why does he think that its ok to just leave you hanging, and why does HE have power here?


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## Openminded

You're not really separated and you're not really together. You're in limbo with no end in sight. That's the very worst place to be.


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## Vinnydee

Call me old fashioned but I either love a woman and want to be with her or I don't. There is no in-between for me. Many times the one asking for the separation is using the time to date someone else but want to keep their spouse as a security net. Men lie like crazy so don't take everything he tells you as the truth. He is going to string you along as long as he can. He will dangle the hope of getting back together in front of you as much as you let him. I have seen this happen so often with my friends and family who got separated and then divorced. Some just wanted to let their spouse down easy. Separation and then divorce. 

Love is not something you can think into or out of existence. It is either there organically or not. Spending time away is not going to increase love. In fact is makes things worse. When you have sex with him, both of you release the hormone Oxytocin whose only purpose is to emotionally bond the two of you together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Without regular sex you lose that emotional bond on a chemical level and are left with just psychological wanting. If he does not want to be with you all the time, a byproduct of the chemicals that produce the feeling of love, he is not going to be able to think love into existence. He may reflect and decide that living with you is better than living alone or some other women he is dating, and come back to you but that will not last. I do not want to alarm you but I never saw a couple who separated for a long time end up married for much longer. Maybe you will beat the odds but do not let this man exert so much control over you. Do not project your feelings of love onto him. If he loved you as you love him, he would not have left. Accept that as a real possibility and perhaps playing hard to get will work better than letting him know that you need him and will be whatever he wants you to be, if that is what it takes to get him back. Even if you too get back, the same issues are going to be there but just repressed temporarily. Adults do not change who they are very easily or at all. Sorry. Maybe other replies will be more upbeat and give you hope. I have seen too much in my 66 years to think any differently.


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## growing_weary

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> I am just trying to figure out how to stay centered, happy, and focused on my own growth as it relates to having a healthy relationship, when there is no deadline on DH's struggles or end in sight for separation.


Maybe just forgive yourself if you can't always stay that way. We all falter. Get back up and carry on. Just keep on doing stuff for yourself, and try and put a time limit on how much you're going to invest in it if he doesn't. It can be gut-wrenchingly painful at times.


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