# Her idea of a marriage is housework and private social life...



## conerned (Jul 18, 2011)

It's obvious my wife and I have different ideas of a marriage.

When we discuss her wanting to go out with her friends and ethnic community, she has two things to say:

1. I take care of the household and kids first.

2. We have our lives ahead of us, so time apart now doesn't matter.

My idea of a marriage is different. While I believe we should enjoy our individual activities, I believe those activities come AFTER our time together. I like to spend time together whenever possible, but I don't like to interfere with anything she may have had planned.

The thing is, my wife wants quite a bit of time apart. I guess she gets tired of taking care of the baby and kids and wants to get away. Zumba twice a week at the Y and once with her friends... each lasting several hours each time.

Also at least 1-2 afternoons out with friends doing something or other... shopping, etc.

So here's the dilemma... I feel she is acting like a single woman, and not a wife. She feels I am too demanding of her time, as we have our lives ahead of us so why try to spend so much time together today?

It's not a matter of who's right or wrong. I love her and she loves me. But I'm not at all happy with what I consider to be a 'single woman' mentality.

Aside from who is right or wrong, how can I deal with her going off for her 'alone time' when I am available to do things with her?

I wish my wife WANTED to have more time with me and didn't need to be out so often.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

conerned said:


> When we discuss her wanting to go out with her friends and ethnic community, she has two things to say:
> 
> 1. I take care of the household and kids first.
> 
> 2. We have our lives ahead of us, so time apart now doesn't matter.


My .02:

"Wife, I have decided that I am joining xxx, yyy, zzz activities to fill up my free time so you will now need to contribute equally to the childcare. We will need to coordinate this going forward."

"Wife, for me to have a fulfilling marriage, I need xxx hours of quality time a week from my spouse. If this is something you can't give me, I will need to re-evaluate whether this marriage is for me."

After doing this, work on becoming the most attractive spouse you can ("man up") for her, so that she notices you and wants to spend time with you.

She sounds like she is using you. Of course, you are enabling it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well it's obviously not alone time. It's anyone but you time. Which I suppose in moderation is fine. I don't like the fact that I work from home and my wife bangs around the house all day and rarely leaves. So when she bolts to go yenta with her chick friends, great. You have to come to some agreement on what's reasonable and equitable.


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## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

Some people crave social interaction outside the house. It helps us be better wives/partners. You sound a tad resentful that she doesn't want to spend this time with you though. Do you have any hobbies? What about some projects around the house that you can do while she's out?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mrs.Saucy said:


> Some people crave social interaction outside the house. It helps us be *better wives/partners. *You sound a tad resentful that she doesn't want to spend this time with you though. Do you have any hobbies? What about some projects around the house that you can do while she's out?


If she is always gone and will not spend time with him then she is not a better wife partner. I understand your point so I an not beating on you, but if one craves external social activiies to that extent they relly do not want to be married.

So all I will say for these scenarios, whether man or woman, is your together time comes off the top. AFTER that is the social interaction time.

Just my opinion, but spouses should come first. Everyone else is extra time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are last on her priority list. As she adds more things you will go further down. Do you have activities out side of the home? If not get some. limit her time out by telling her you will be out. Go out get new clothes, new hairstyle, new attitude. 

Don't ask her about what she is doing it is useless, tell her what you will be doing since she has you last on her list you have decided to fill in the voids by putting your kids first and your self 2nd. Stop all of the extra nice things you do for her, be friendly and pleasant to her but disinterested, and busy. Do things with your kids on we that don't include her. 

May seem childish and tit for tat but not really. She is too sure you will always be there no matter what she does. Never let her get too sure of you. That may seem like the right thing to do but it rarely works. 

You have to keep her eyes on you, dont give more than you get i am telling you this as a married woman. Makes sure you look good, start exercising get in shape like you are dating. Stop living in fear of losing her make her fear losing you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You are last on her priority list. As she adds more things you will go further down. Do you have activities out side of the home? If not get some. limit her time out by telling her you will be out. Go out get new clothes, new hairstyle, new attitude.
> 
> Don't ask her about what she is doing it is useless, tell her what you will be doing since she has you last on her list you have decided to fill in the voids by putting your kids first and your self 2nd. Stop all of the extra nice things you do for her, be friendly and pleasant to her but disinterested, and busy. Do things with your kids on we that don't include her.
> 
> ...


You are sooo Alpha. 

You have this whole game thing down.

Awesome.

:iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> You are sooo Alpha.
> 
> You have this whole game thing down.
> 
> ...


He he. Actually, I am the submissive one in my marriage and my husband is dominant. I would really not be able to maintain my sexual attraction to him if he did not have a strong enough personality to deal with me. 

I would never say some of the things I say on my post to my husband. He can read my post but he knows this is my interactive journal. I am not so in-your-face as I am here. It just not me In my personal life. It could be but I don't want to live like a man. I'll leave the testosterone with my huband. I like being a feminine woman. 

I learned all this alpha stuff from reading post on TAM and recognizing how it works by observing in my life. Everybody is different so i think adaptation to the people involved is important. Understanding has help me see the world a little better from my husbands standpoint. 

When I read things like the the OP is enduring, i think I have an idea of what is going on. I know in general terms how many women think (not all) from my conversations with my friends and relatives. They talk about their relationships. A common theam is that the guys that look good and are not all over their wives are the ones with wives that are attentive to them. 

These guys are not abusive, they are family men and are very loving. But there is an elusive quality about them. They seem happy and good husbands. you get the sense that they are confident that they would be a good catch for any women but they choose their wives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> May seem childish and tit for tat but not really. She is too sure you will always be there no matter what she does.


In theory this is a good idea. In practice it may have no effect. This is the tact I've taken for years. My wife's response to live in a completely different orbit altogether. Which really just confirms that she has little to no interest in me, personally. And to be fair, I find her company just irritating so it's all for the best. The flipside of that is when your heretofore flighty spouse decides to simply stay home and sulk.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs I see what you are saying. I suppose before making the move to disengage, you have to also decide what to do if wife responds by drifting further away. You have to ask if it is healthy to stay in such a relationship. I think before making a move decide what you are willing to do it partner does not repond by putting you at the top of their list. if you are not willing to take the ultimate step after trying MC or and IC then I think you should rethink. 

Runs why do you stay? What are you getting out of this arrangement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> He he. Actually, I am the submissive one in my marriage and my husband is dominant. I would really not be able to maintain my sexual attraction to him if he did not have a strong enough personality to deal with me.
> 
> I would never say some of the things I say on my post to my husband. He can read my post but he knows this is my interactive journal. I am not so in-your-face as I am here. It just not me In my personal life. It could be but I don't want to live like a man. I'll leave the testosterone with my huband. I like being a feminine woman.
> 
> ...


Oh, I was mostly joking about you being alpha. You just come off as confident and genuine. Which is a good thing in anybody. Really I was just acknowledging that you have learned a lot and have a good feel for the core of what is important for men in my opinion.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Runs why do you stay? What are you getting out of this arrangement?


Stress & disappointment for the most part. My plan is to punch out the ejection seat at the end of my youngest's undergraduate program; about 2 years from now. 


My only point right here was, if you're going to call someone's bluff you have to be more than 50% sure they're actually bluffing. Some people are just crazy mean.


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

I find it funny that no one asked the OP if he is helping his wife take care of the kids and household. So I will ask:

Are you assisting your wife in how you can to take care of the kids and household? Are you saying to your wife, "hey honey, I will take care of the dishes and the kids, go take your shower and get ready for such and so activity." Then maybe she would feel like there's less of a burden on herself, and after her activity she might want to come home earlier and tell you about it. This could lead to her wanting to spend more time with you.

I will admit, my life is somewhat like your wife's, but not by choice. My husband thinks quality time together is not talking and watching tv. He refuses to go out and do activities together, so I have two choices: be at home, lonely and miserable, or go out and have a little bit of fun so I don't go crazy. 

I am also the one who manages the entire home because my husband has told me over and over that he doesn't like to help, so I do it myself. After working a more than a 10 hour day, and then coming home and cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I am exhausted. On the weekends if I can, I spend a couple hours with a friend. I have to get away sometimes, too. Does that make me a bad person, or a bad wife?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

heron_inthewater said:


> I am also the one who manages the entire home because my husband has told me over and over that he doesn't like to help, so I do it myself. After working a more than a 10 hour day, and then coming home and cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I am exhausted. On the weekends if I can, I spend a couple hours with a friend. I have to get away sometimes, too. Does that make me a bad person, or a bad wife?


@ heron ~

Don't mean to threadjack. But, in all honesty, I think it means you have a bad husband. It sounds like you more than pull your weight in your household, and I wouldn't be as willing to give a 'bye' to my H in the same circumstances.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

conerned said:


> It's obvious my wife and I have different ideas of a marriage.
> 
> When we discuss her wanting to go out with her friends and ethnic community, she has two things to say:
> 
> ...


I'm a firm believer that the spouse and marriage come first. Without that strong foundation present, it's like the proverbial house built on sand - not very strong for maintaining a household and raising a family.

I think you need to be firmer with defining, articulating, and enforcing your boundaries with your wife regarding this free time.

IF you are indeed pulling your weight in the household and with the kids, then there should be no problem with both you and your wife having roughly equal amounts of 'me' time, but that should only come after you've had 'couple' time. imho.


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

We have yet to hear from the OP if he is also contributing to the household. 

You know, if I were the wife I would not say the second thing, but the first thing does count for a few reasons. Even if a wife is a SAHM, she still needs breaks because it can get overwhelming. After all, it took two people to bring the children into the world, and it takes two people to care for them after that. I think one of the reasons why the wife is always looking to get away is because she needs adult interaction outside of home. I have seen women basically decline in their social skills because they don't know how to talk to other adults since they stay home almost all the time.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Sorry OP looks like you married a selfish little girl instead of a good woman. Time to discuss with her what a marriage is an it's expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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