# Twice Divorced Man



## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

Unfortunately my second marriage is crumbling. I am doing everything I can to try to save it, but I am just not optimistic. While I had more than my share of blame for the first divorce, the second one is not my fault - I was pressured into the marriage and my wife has a severe personaility disorder which she will not acknowledge/treat and will not agree at all to work on the marriage or herself. 

While I am devoting my full attention to trying to revive my marriage (which will hopefully mean getting my wife some help), I also need to prepare myself for what looks like the inevitable. Part of what I need to realize is that I will be ok in the long run if my marriage ends. I am not talking about going back out and dating immediately - I plan on taking some time to heal and find myself. But hypothetically, if you were a divorced or separated woman, would you date a twice divorced man? I am not looking to rush into marriage - only to finally be able to give/receive mutual appreciate and affection.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

paman75 said:


> Unfortunately my second marriage is crumbling. I am doing everything I can to try to save it, but I am just not optimistic. While I had more than my share of blame for the first divorce, the second one is not my fault - I was pressured into the marriage and my wife has a severe personaility disorder which she will not acknowledge/treat and will not agree at all to work on the marriage or herself.
> 
> While I am devoting my full attention to trying to revive my marriage (which will hopefully mean getting my wife some help), I also need to prepare myself for what looks like the inevitable. Part of what I need to realize is that I will be ok in the long run if my marriage ends. I am not talking about going back out and dating immediately - I plan on taking some time to heal and find myself. But hypothetically, if you were a divorced or separated woman, would you date a twice divorced man? I am not looking to rush into marriage - only to finally be able to give/receive mutual appreciate and affection.



These days it's hard to meet someone that hasn't been through a couple. I would have to ask and ponder what caused the demise of the marriages before making my mind up to date. Then there's stupid me and I was marriage number 8 for my ex. Wish someone had hit me with a 2 x 4 with lead in it!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*I* would not preclude you from the dating pool. But, then again, I don't anticipate EVER getting married again.

I would, however, be straight-up about asking you "What have YOU done to fix YOURSELF?" And I'd be expecting to hear about IC (and what specifically it has helped you understand/correct in yourself) and/or specific book titles that you have read and what you found useful/not useful about them.

...I can speak only for myself and how *I* would view a twice-divorced man.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I might, but I would certainly not want to hear that you had no part in the marriage crumbling. The fact is that you did have a part; you married someone when you either didn't want to our weren't ready, which tells me you have questionable judgement. I'd want to know that you'd thought about that because if you have questionable judgment and you're with me what does that say? I have a male friend that is on wife number 4 and according to him he had no part in any of the divorces. Really? It took me 10 minutes of talking to him to figure out what's going on, and now I see the same pattern with wife number 4 based on little comments he makes. Make sure you've thought about your own bad decisions and grown from them. Also, make sure you work through the emotional baggage because that is turn off number one for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I might, but I would certainly not want to hear that you had no part in the marriage crumbling. The fact is that you did have a part; you married someone when you either didn't want to our weren't ready, which tells me you have questionable judgement. I'd want to know that you'd thought about that because if you have questionable judgment and you're with me what does that say? I have a male friend that is on wife number 4 and according to him he had no part in any of the divorces. Really? It took me 10 minutes of talking to him to figure out what's going on, and now I see the same pattern with wife number 4 based on little comments he makes. Make sure you've thought about your own bad decisions and grown from them. Also, make sure you work through the emotional baggage because that is turn off number one for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are absolutely correct - my part is that I married someone when I was not ready which is and was a bad decision. In terms of the actual marriage, I have done everything humanly possible to work on it from my end and to change myself to meet my wife's needs and have committed to further change (without yet asking for her to change), but I returned home from Afghanistan and within a week was told that she did not want to be married anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would go out with you and find out more. Two marriages are not a deal breaker. I agree you had to have some part in the marriage crumbling, however. My ex is diagnosed NPD. My 'part' may have been passive, i.e. allowing the behavior even if I did not directly contribute to his horrendous behavior that spelled the demise of the marriage. It never hurts to give a good hard look in the mirror.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *I* would not preclude you from the dating pool. But, then again, I don't anticipate EVER getting married again.
> 
> I would, however, be straight-up about asking you "What have YOU done to fix YOURSELF?" And I'd be expecting to hear about IC (and what specifically it has helped you understand/correct in yourself) and/or specific book titles that you have read and what you found useful/not useful about them.
> 
> ...I can speak only for myself and how *I* would view a twice-divorced man.


This.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

paman75 said:


> While I am devoting my full attention to trying to revive my marriage (which will hopefully mean getting my wife some help), I also need to prepare myself for what looks like the inevitable. Part of what I need to realize is that I will be ok in the long run if my marriage ends. I am not talking about going back out and dating immediately - I plan on taking some time to heal and find myself. But hypothetically, if you were a divorced or separated woman, would you date a twice divorced man? I am not looking to rush into marriage - only to finally be able to give/receive mutual appreciate and affection.



I would be more worried about someone who is around my age and HASN'T had a long-term relationship/marriage. AND....




lifeistooshort said:


> I might, but I would certainly not want to hear that you had no part in the marriage crumbling. The fact is that you did have a part; you married someone when you either didn't want to our weren't ready, which tells me you have questionable judgement. I'd want to know that you'd thought about that because if you have questionable judgment and you're with me what does that say? I have a male friend that is on wife number 4 and according to him he had no part in any of the divorces. Really? It took me 10 minutes of talking to him to figure out what's going on, and now I see the same pattern with wife number 4 based on little comments he makes. Make sure you've thought about your own bad decisions and grown from them. Also, make sure you work through the emotional baggage because that is turn off number one for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This :iagree:
Definitely I would WANT to hear what he felt like HE did wrong, and how he's learned/changed from the experience. Not..."Oh my wife was a crazy b**ch and we got divorced". Run for the hills...


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## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

struggle said:


> I would be more worried about someone who is around my age and HASN'T had a long-term relationship/marriage. AND....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have already started to assess that. I just got back from 10 months in Afghanistan before this was sprung on me and in that time while I was deployed, I took a long hard look in the mirror and figured out my role in what had happened and what I could do to fix it. I came back committed to trying harder and doing better and tried to put it all into action, but my wife told me within four days of my return that the marriage was in serious trouble. For my part, I was too withdrawn at times when she needed me and should have been able to overlook conflict to provide more support for her when she needed it. Instead, I focused on the current argument rather than the bigger picture. Granted, she has a vicious and hurtful temper which makes it hard to remain emotionally close for long, but it takes two to tango and I let myself get drawn in. Also, I did not do enough in the beginning of our marriage to make her a priority - focusing on my own emotional issues. But I have also made huge strides in all aspects of being a husband and know that I have a lot to offer someone if this comes to pass and after I have taken sufficient time to heal. I hope this will be a moot post eventually because my wife will commit to give things a chance and put in mutual effort, but right now I am the only party willing to put in the work that we both did not do for a while.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

paman75 said:


> the second one is not my fault - I was pressured into the marriage and my wife has a severe personaility disorder which she will not acknowledge/treat and will not agree at all to work on the marriage or herself.


How were you pressured into marriage?

Has your wife been diagnosed with a severe personality disorder by a psychiatrist? Or is this your diagnosis?


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## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How were you pressured into marriage?
> 
> Has your wife been diagnosed with a severe personality disorder by a psychiatrist? Or is this your diagnosis?


My wife was 38 when we met, I was slightly younger. I was in love with her, but given her biological clock, she only gave me a certain amount of time to date or she would move on. I loved her, did not want to lose her and wanted to give her the family that she always wanted. In retrospect, my mistake.

In terms of the personality disorder, I have been in IC, one of my therapists met with her and I have spent quite a bit of time describing her behaviors to my longstanding therapist and both came back with BPD as the problem. Trust me, her reactions to situations are way beyond the pale of normal. I want her to get the right help because I want her to be happy and well both for her and for our child, but she thinks right now that divorce is the cure all because she was happier when I was in Afghanistan.


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