# Imminent divorce but still living together-husband joined online dating



## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

My husband and I are working through a divorce now. We share a home and cannot afford to maintain two households so we are living under the same roof for now. We have one child at home who is taking a semester off from grad school. We agreed to keep things civil and were doing a bang up job of it - still taking care of all chores, meeting with realtors, contacting a mediator, and still having dinners together. However, he goes back and forth - he can be civil and nice one second and the next make snarky remarks. One of the realtors we met with actually commented as an aside to me and to my sister (she referred us to him) that he could not believe the things my husband was saying when he was there. He will be incredibly insulting then turn around and ask me to walk the dogs with him, show me funny videos, vent about something...He is all over the place...ANYWAY I found out he joined not one but two online dating sites - it didn't change how I acted toward him and I haven't let him know I am aware of this. Some of my friends/family felt he wanted me to know this, I was (and still am) not sure. HOWEVER - he has asked both my daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the dating sites so he is not trying too hard to keep it a secret. They did not tell me - I found out another way. My question is - has anyone had this happen to them and is there ANYTHING rational or justifiable about this? I understand we are both moving on but we are still legally married and still living under the same roof and I find it completely disrespectful (not that I expect respect at this stage but...) and it reeks of desperation. But maybe it is a normal thing - I don't know, never divorced anyone after 25 years of marriage before....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Goshenite said:


> My husband and I are working through a divorce now. We share a home and cannot afford to maintain two households so we are living under the same roof for now. We have one child at home who is taking a semester off from grad school. We agreed to keep things civil and were doing a bang up job of it - still taking care of all chores, meeting with realtors, contacting a mediator, and still having dinners together. However, he goes back and forth - he can be civil and nice one second and the next make snarky remarks. One of the realtors we met with actually commented as an aside to me and to my sister (she referred us to him) that he could not believe the things my husband was saying when he was there. He will be incredibly insulting then turn around and ask me to walk the dogs with him, show me funny videos, vent about something...He is all over the place...ANYWAY I found out he joined not one but two online dating sites - it didn't change how I acted toward him and I haven't let him know I am aware of this. Some of my friends/family felt he wanted me to know this, I was (and still am) not sure. HOWEVER - he has asked both my daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the dating sites so he is not trying too hard to keep it a secret. They did not tell me - I found out another way. My question is - has anyone had this happen to them and is there ANYTHING rational or justifiable about this? I understand we are both moving on but we are still legally married and still living under the same roof and I find it completely disrespectful (not that I expect respect at this stage but...) and it reeks of desperation. But maybe it is a normal thing - I don't know, never divorced anyone after 25 years of marriage before....


A lot of people here think its ok to date/have sex while either seperated or getting divorced. You can only choose the way thats right to you, his standards are clearly not the same as yours. If you are still living in the same house I think thats pretty disrespectful, I mean cant he wait a few more weeks??? As I said though, just do what you feel is right and leave him to his conscience. I agree with you.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Who initiated the divorce?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

He shouldn't say crappy things to you, but choose whether to address it or wait out the move.

As for the OLD, if I know my job is ending I don't think it disrespects my employer to start lining up the next one.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Who initiated the divorce?


I know some people say it can't be mutual but it WAS. We have had issues for a long time and finally knew it was just done. 

I will share that just a few months ago he was planning a vacation for us after we dropped off our daughter for school. He would send me links to different areas but I could not follow through. I had reached the end and the idea of a vacation alone with him was not only not appealing, it was downright depressing. So I am not sure that this is really the road he wanted to take as it seems odd to plan a vacation and two months later you're on a dating site but...

Sorry for the crappy answer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tell the judge he involved the kids in that.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tell the judge he involved the kids in that.


We are using a mediator - I know the judge has to sign off, but would this be relevant under the circumstances?


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Second post today...

My husband and I are going through a divorce - we are still in the same house as we can't afford two households. We agreed to keep things civil and were for the most part but he tends to dive into snarky comments and has also joined dating websites. I found this out on my own, though there's a chance he wanted it to be known....he has asked our daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the sites...

Here's the thing...I find every day, despite how much a an a** he can be, that my heart is breaking for him. This divorce was mutual - in the past we have had many issues and even separated at one time and tried counseling. Every time things came to a head I would bend in some way. Over the years the reason was more to keep the family together than to save our relationship. He is judgmental and critical to a fault and basically has always blamed our marriage's failure on me. I have told him time and again it is a relationship of two, it takes two to make it work or to break it. However, he simply could never accept his role and constantly demanded I change to meet his specifications.

Over time I fell out of love with him and lost the love that was left. I tried time and again, and there were times I thought we might find our way back but then something else would happen and BAM back to square one. After several incidents this summer I knew it was over. He didn't - not yet. He was still planning a vacation for us later in the summer...Finally things reached a head and we had a talk that last probably all of ten minutes. He had told my children (20 and 23) he was going to be talking to me about a divorce - I am not sure if he told them he was asking for it or talking to me about it, it doesn't matter. The point is, they knew before ME he was coming to me about it. However, I had already decided this was the way to go and knew that the talk would be about that. He said the word divorce, I said yes, and that was that.

BUT - although I tell myself time and again that this relationship could have taken a much different pathway had he only acknowledged his role in damaging it, and because of that I feel that he always had it in his control to make things better - I still find myself heartbroken for him. The dating site thing is pathetic and desperate. At times it pisses me off but mainly it makes me incredibly sad for him. He really has no friends or support at all. My friends and family think he wanted me to know he joined - a kind of "in your face" thing. He has done really weird things - he will be critical and obnoxious one second and the next is seeking me out to share a funny video or to talk to me about something. It's like living with 2 different people. It is easier to be mad, but I find that difficult to sustain and I mainly feel so incredibly sad for him. I have NO doubt he is NOT feeling the same for me - in fact I feel like he wants to see me hurt. Despite this, my heart hurts for him. Am I crazy? Anyone else feel this way and how did you deal with it? It's like an extra wound on top of everything else.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Goshenite said:


> I know some people say it can't be mutual but it WAS. We have had issues for a long time and finally knew it was just done.
> 
> I will share that just a few months ago he was planning a vacation for us after we dropped off our daughter for school. He would send me links to different areas but I could not follow through. I had reached the end and the idea of a vacation alone with him was not only not appealing, it was downright depressing. So I am not sure that this is really the road he wanted to take as it seems odd to plan a vacation and two months later you're on a dating site but...
> 
> Sorry for the crappy answer.


That’s not an answer. 
Either:
Spouse1 said it’s time to divorce and Spouse2 said ok, since you don’t want me anymore
or 
Spouse1 made it clear they were no longer interested in Spouse2, causing Spouse2 to say I guess it’s time to divorce since you don’t want me anymore, to which Spouse1 said ok.

Or some variation of the above.

So how was the divorce initiated?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Goshenite said:


> I know some people say it can't be mutual but it WAS. We have had issues for a long time and finally knew it was just done.
> 
> I will share that just a few months ago he was planning a vacation for us after we dropped off our daughter for school. He would send me links to different areas but I could not follow through. I had reached the end and the idea of a vacation alone with him was not only not appealing, it was downright depressing. So I am not sure that this is really the road he wanted to take as it seems odd to plan a vacation and two months later you're on a dating site but...
> 
> Sorry for the crappy answer.


People are right, it can't be mutual, who started "We need to talk" session?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Goshenite,
You have already posted some of this in another thread that you started. I recommend that you stick to one thread, so you are more likely to get responses.

You've been married to this man for 25 years. You want an intact family. It is natural for you to be bonded to him and concerned for his well-being, however, he doesn't seem the least concerned about you. He seems to use you as a place holder, but doesn't acknowledge that he is rude to you or do anything about it. Are you crazy? I'm not expert, but I don't think you are the crazy one. 

You two are getting divorced. Let him go. Focus on your own life and responsibilities rather than worrying about what he is doing. I recommend you do the 180 to disconnect and untangle yourself from him. Here's a link to the site of one of the members here: https://affaircare.com/the-180/


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tell the judge he involved the kids in that.


One "kid" is in grad school and the step son is engaged, I don't think involving the kids matters since they are adults.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If at all possible please one of you leave. Even of it means sharing a house or apartment with someone else for now. 
It rarely works living together while you are supposed to be separated. 
Your children are adults now so there need be no contact apart from about the divorce.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Goshenite said:


> it seems odd to plan a vacation and two months later you're on a dating site but...


For some people it is odd, for others not so much. Maybe he is foolishly "on the rebound", if so it isn't your problem.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> People are right, it can't be mutual, who started "We need to talk" session?


He asked me if we could go out to breakfast and talk after. I of course knew what it was about though not sure if he wanted to discuss or announce his intentions because I didn't allow any discussion. In the past there has been discussion and I always the one to bend to keep things going. This time was different and for me, no need in trying to discuss. It's all been said before. So there you go...


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> @Goshenite,
> You have already posted some of this in another thread that you started. I recommend that you stick to one thread, so you are more likely to get responses.
> 
> You've been married to this man for 25 years. You want an intact family. It is natural for you to be bonded to him and concerned for his well-being, however, he doesn't seem the least concerned about you. He seems to use you as a place holder, but doesn't acknowledge that he is rude to you or do anything about it. Are you crazy? I'm not expert, but I don't think you are the crazy one.
> ...


Thank you - you sound like my sister! She tells me the same thing all the time. It's just very hard after 25 years....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Goshenite said:


> We are using a mediator - I know the judge has to sign off, but would this be relevant under the circumstances?


Involving the offspring is always frowned upon by judges. I'm assuming they're adults now, but I mean it's just very bad judgment on your husband's part. That can't be comfortable for them. Let the mediator know at least. Just tell him he is called your kids and helping him date and how an appropriate you thought that was given the circumstances. He doesn't sound like he has much sense.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> One "kid" is in grad school and the step son is engaged, I don't think involving the kids matters since they are adults.


It still shows I really bad lack of boundaries and I was assuming they were pretty well grown. Those kids don't want to hear about that and be party to it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Some history would probably help people advise you.

On its face, it sure appears that he is trying to throw it in your face that he is dipping his toes into the dating market. 

That said, if you are getting a divorce, it is no longer your concern. I'm not being snippy when I say that, rather it is an all or nothing type of proposition. In other words, if you are divorcing, it is not his business what you do with your personal life, and vice versa. 

When I got divorced previously, I did not want it, but was resigned to it happening. In fact, I had a ONS the day after she said there was no way back. Granted, at that time I was not emotionally mature, and had self esteem problems even before the blow delivered in the news that she was divorcing me.

Without any context, I suspect he is in much the same head space. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

All of this sounds pretty normal, _except_ asking the adult kids for advice on dating site photos. Even if the divorce decision is mutual, it can still be upsetting and disruptive, so his ambivalent behavior seems understandable. My ex and I lived together amicably for a few months after deciding to divorce as we figured out housing arrangements, and we both joined dating sites. It wasn't a big deal, and we didn't bring dates "home."


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You're getting divorced and are only under the same roof due to finances. It doesn't MATTER who initiated the divorce or if it was completely mutual.

The marriage is over for all practical purposes..

Yes he can go date and screw others and so can you.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> You still didn’t answer the question. This response was completely nebulous and vague and not helpful. Clarity on this is important, but it really seems like you’re deliberately trying to avoid clarity here.
> 
> I’m really not trying to be argumentative, but the folks here need clarity to offer you any helpful advice. And if people are asking for more clarity on something, it probably matters even if you don’t think so.


Honestly don't know how much clearer than that I can be, I literally wrote exactly what happened.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> All of this sounds pretty normal, _except_ asking the adult kids for advice on dating site photos. Even if the divorce decision is mutual, it can still be upsetting and disruptive, so his ambivalent behavior seems understandable. My ex and I lived together amicably for a few months after deciding to divorce as we figured out housing arrangements, and we both joined dating sites. It wasn't a big deal, and we didn't bring dates "home."


Yeah, next he'll be trying to date their girlfriends.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Goshenite said:


> Honestly don't know how much clearer than that I can be, I literally wrote exactly what happened.


OK, I’ll try one more time. Nothing you wrote made it clear at all who said what and who chose to pull the trigger on the divorce.

If you’re trying to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, this matters and is very important.

If you’re just trying to move on as quickly as possible, then just focus on that I guess. Which means all your focus should be on getting separate residences ASAP. And don’t worry about what he is or isn’t doing with whomever.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, next he'll be trying to date their girlfriends.


LOL You have a _very_ cynical attitude!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> OK, I’ll try one more time. Nothing you wrote made it clear at all who said what and who chose to pull the trigger on the divorce.
> 
> If you’re trying to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, this matters and is very important.
> 
> If you’re just trying to move on as quickly as possible, then just focus on that I guess. Which means all your focus should be on getting separate residences ASAP. And don’t worry about what he is or isn’t doing with whomever.


Separate residences will make the one who remains in the marital home much more comfortable while the displaced party is at a big disadvantage. The one with access to the marital residence and the kids tends to be in no rush to move things along and they have a much bigger negotiating edge.

I also disagree that it matters who initiated the divorce nor do I see that the Op was unclear. She said it was mutual and gave somewhat of an explanation as to why she thinks so, but again, it's irrelevant to the subject at hand.

Yes, she doesn't need to be focused on what he's doing with whatever. It's not her problem anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> OK, I’ll try one more time. Nothing you wrote made it clear at all who said what and who chose to pull the trigger on the divorce.
> 
> If you’re trying to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, this matters and is very important.
> 
> If you’re just trying to move on as quickly as possible, then just focus on that I guess. Which means all your focus should be on getting separate residences ASAP. And don’t worry about what he is or isn’t doing with whomever.


I believe from what she said that he wanted the divorce and then she agreed.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I believe from what she said that he wanted the divorce and then she agreed.


The problem is the explanation and description was completely ambiguous.
Thinks like:
“I of course knew what it was about though not sure if he wanted to discuss or announce his intentions *because I didn't allow any discussion*. In the past there has been discussion and I always the one to bend to keep things going. This time was different and for me, *no need in trying to discuss. It's all been said before.”*

Sorry, I don’t know what the hell that means...
Was there actually a conversation where he said hey, it’s time to divorce? Or is she just making a lot of assumptions about what he wants in his head and decided for herself that they both wanted a divorce right now.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> Sorry, I don’t know what the hell that means...
> Was there actually a conversation where he said hey, it’s time to divorce? Or is she just making a lot of assumptions about what he wants in his head and decided for herself that they both wanted a divorce right now.


He wanted to have "The Talk". As he did countless times before, he puts it out there that he wants the Big D, and that's all he has to say. She typically tries to talk about how they can work through the problems and why he wants to end the marriage, but this time, she isn't interested in working anything out because she's done too.

And again, so what. They're getting divorced. Who gives a rat's ass who wanted it more?

The marriage is over for all practical purposes, they can go date and screw whomever they want as long as the person they happen to be with is onboard.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Trident said:


> He wanted to have "The Talk". As he did countless times before, he puts it out there that he wants the Big D, and that's all he has to say. She typically tries to talk about how they can work through the problems and why he wants to end the marriage, but this time, she isn't interested in working anything out because she's done too.
> 
> And again, so what. They're getting divorced. Who gives a rat's ass who wanted it more?
> 
> The marriage is over for all practical purposes, they can go date and screw whomever they want as long as the person they happen to be with is onboard.


Because 0P started out asking about her husband‘s behavior while cohabiting amidst their impending divorce. And the reasons the divorce is happening, and who initiated it - absolutely impacts (and can often explain) how the parties involved are behaving during the process.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Still not seeing the relevance.

He's dating others, she doesn't like it, there isn't anything she can do about it. 

Regardless of whether he started it or she started it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Goshenite

I combined the two threads you started today. It's best to keep one thread on topic. You will get better input that way.

For things like having threads merged, you can report a post and a moderator will take care of it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So all of this came about, because He wanted to go on holiday with you, and you decided you didn’t want to? (so he was trying?) and then he had enough, wanted a divorce, but now you don’t want one and you want him?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. What’s sad or funny is if your husband had come here complaining about you or lack of sex or what have you. He would have been advised to do the 180 and let you know to straighten up or he was going to divorce you. So he may have wanted to have the talk simply to get you to bend more only to be caught off guard when you were like ok let’s do it.

you kind of indicate there’s been prior discussion. Had the prior discussion included divorce talk?

Anywhoo back to your original question, I find is sad that he thinks he’s ready for any kind of relationship. But since neither of you wants to work it out, I’d just ignore him. 
Your indifference to his dating should be authentic if you want to be divorced and will probably bother him more than anything else.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He was planing a vacation with you 2 months prior. He didn’t want a divorce.
But you’ve cut him off and when he tried to talk to you and see if you wanted a divorce you jumped on it. Yes! As you put it.
So yes, he’s putting it in your face he’s looking for another woman. It’s childish, but hes
“Tell the judge he’s brought his “kids” into it”...
What? Lol. Ok whatever.

You’re still in the house. What’s the time frame for moving? Sell the house? What’s the plan?

you want a divorce but don’t like him dating?

im
Going to be honest because you’ve been married 25 yrs and you’ve got to be about my age at least. I think it’s hard as heck to find someone you love. If you don’t love him anymore you need to find a way to get away from him. If you do and you’re just hurt and angry and don’t think he will ever change, why not talk to him again and ask him if he wants to go chase women or fix things with you. Talk. It hasn’t worked in the past, may not now.

But I sense you are bothered by his dating and it’s not just sadness for him. If he’s that pathetic, why not sell the house and move?

I don’t know what to tell you. I know people come to say things here anonymously and it’s easy to say one thing and think other. It’s hard to be vulnerable and say what you really think if it’s embarrassing.

so I’ll just be blunt. We need more info.

Do you still love the man? No? Why do you care if he dates? I think you do and might just be fed up and want to teach the old boy a Lesson.

Do you want help divorcing him and figuring out how to pay the bills? We might can give some ideas...

Do you wish you both could straighten things out and have a happy marriage again? Even though you haven’t in years?

lastly, I can tell you that if my dad was your husband and asked me to help him with dating and you weren’t divorced, I’d tell him to go duck himself. Why didn’t your kids tell their dad this? I’m asking because it seems like they think might be happier without you. Why might they think that?

Has he manipulated them and turned them to his side of things? How?

There’s so many questions about your situation that need more info to give any real help.

Lastly, if you tild him you’re divorcing him and cut him off sex and he sees no light at the end of the tunnel with you, can you blame him for looking elsewhere for emotional support, especially since you say he has nobody?


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## Offkilter123 (Dec 2, 2020)

Given OP’s evasiveness, tap dancing around the truth, and her H’s rush to start dating, it’s hard not to assume infidelity on the part of OP. It could be the cynicism that is a natural outgrowth of time spent on TAM & SI but I don’t think so in this case.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> He was planing a vacation with you 2 months prior. He didn’t want a divorce.
> But you’ve cut him off and when he tried to talk to you and see if you wanted a divorce you jumped on it. Yes! As you put it.
> So yes, he’s putting it in your face he’s looking for another woman. It’s childish, but hes
> “Tell the judge he’s brought his “kids” into it”...
> ...


 Great insight, man...👍

It's almost like people throw away their garbage, then get pissed if someone decides to take something from it....Like if you already discarded it, why then care??

Its obviously not the "right" thing to do, but I do sense some vindictiveness behind it...:"ill show you!" kind of element at play....

At this point, my advice to the OP is get it done and over asap, and don't pay any attention to him and what he's doing anymore....


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Offkilter123 said:


> Given OP’s evasiveness, tap dancing around the truth, and her H’s rush to start dating, it’s hard not to assume infidelity on the part of OP. It could be the cynicism that is a natural outgrowth of time spent on TAM & SI but I don’t think so in this case.


I might also assume, that OP has probably been threatening divorce for a long time, unhappy and out of love with him, and possibly wanted him to take action, relieving her of the duty? And also being the bad guy.

To also say that your heart is breaking for him to me indicates you may not have treated him very well either, is there some guilt here? I’m female, I’ve heard this story from a few women friends. If this is what you wanted, let him date. Very sad and desperate move on his part to involve the kids, but I see a man absolutely desperate for love. You do say you don’t love him, let the guy enjoy the last few years he’s got, poor guy. Feeling bad for him would be an insult.

Imagine if you had jumped into that holiday excitedly! Sheesh my husband can make my blood boil (and I know I can drive him up the wall! 😬) but all he has to say is ‘let’s go to lunch!’ and my lipstick is on and I’m ready for a good time. Fights are good for about an hour. And mostly you’ll fight about the same garbage for your whole marriage. And then when the spouse gives a peace offering they want to punish? This is really sad 😞


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I’m not understanding the discomfort being felt by a wife who had clearly checked out of her marriage some time ago… and is bothered by the fact that her STBX took awhile but finally got the message and is now checking out his options.

As for discussing things with the kids first, why not? The kids actually care for him. The wife stopped caring some time ago, or at least says so.

You can’t have it both ways.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Goshenite said:


> ANYWAY I found out he joined not one but two online dating sites - it didn't change how I acted toward him and I haven't let him know I am aware of this.


Why are you spying on your nearly former husband.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> When I got divorced previously, I did not want it, but was resigned to it happening. In fact, I had a ONS the day after she said there was no way back. Granted, at that time I was not emotionally mature, and had self esteem problems even before the blow delivered in the news that she was divorcing me.


The best way of getting over a failed relationship, is to start a new one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In my humble opinion, no one just coming out of a 25 year marriage, let alone still living with the spouse should be even thinking about dating.

My husband and I started dating while he was still technically separated, but by the time he met me, his ex had moved on and was living with another man. They did live under the same roof for about 6 months I think or just over, after the separation - she bought loverboy home for sleepovers, which I think is just disgusting, but that's me 🤷‍♀️ 

While I understand why you feel the way you do about this OP, I probably would too, the fact is (from what I can gather from your posts anyway) that you initiated the divorce. You said you "found out", not that he told you, so he also doesn't appear to be flaunting it in your face. 

Don't drag things out, telling mediators and wanting judges to sign off orders about it, just get a wriggle on getting the house sold, move out and move forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> The best way of getting over a failed relationship, is to start a new one.


No, it's g


frusdil said:


> In my humble opinion, no one just coming out of a 25 year marriage, let alone still living with the spouse should be even thinking about dating.
> 
> My husband and I started dating while he was still technically separated, but by the time he met me, his ex had moved on and was living with another man. They did live under the same roof for about 6 months I think or just over, after the separation - she bought loverboy home for sleepovers, which I think is just disgusting, but that's me 🤷‍♀️
> 
> ...


Totally agree. If you want to date while you are still married, at lease move out first. It's not about who did what, it's about the fact that they are divorcing but still sharing the house. If he can't even wait a short time till the house is sold that says a lot about him and his disrespect towards both her and the children. The fact that he is clearly doing it and including the children to get at her, shows he has no integrity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> The best way of getting over a failed relationship, is to start a new one.


The best way to get over a failed relationship is to give yourself time to think, reflect, learn and heal. To not treat your family with such disrespect. At least move out first for goodness sake.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Totally agree. If you want to date while you are still married, at lease move out first. It's not about who did what, it's about the fact that they are divorcing but still sharing the house. If he can't even wait a short time till the house is sold that says a lot about him and his disrespect towards both her and the children.


It's over between them and they are divorcing, so what's wrong with dating if he doesn't bring anyone home?!



Diana7 said:


> The best way to get over a failed relationship is to give yourself time to think, reflect, learn and heal. To not treat your family with such disrespect. At least move out first for goodness sake.


You assume that he needs to think, reflect, learn and heal, maybe he did, there is no disrespect at all.
The OP said:


> I of course knew what it was about though not sure if he wanted to discuss or announce his intentions *because I didn't allow any discussion*.


She didn't allow any other discussions, so he new his value to her!
He also knows that men age like wine, so he will find much younger and more attractive women out there, so why the wait?!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> The best way of getting over a failed relationship, is to start a new one.


I think the ladies like to say "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone" 😂

All kidding aside....While it's good judgement to keep things private, and maintain some level of decorum as a person, IMO, there are no real "rules" here...When there is a breakup or divorce, no one needs to tell anyone what is right or wrong, or that you need "x" amount of time to "process " the loss or whatever...For a lot of break ups and divorces, whatever loss was incurred was usually processed for some people years ago....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kaliber said:


> It's over between them and they are divorcing, so what's wrong with dating if he doesn't bring anyone home?!
> 
> 
> You assume that he needs to think, reflect, learn and heal, maybe he did, there is no disrespect at all.
> ...


He has has no time whatsoever to heal or reflect. They aren't even seperated yet. 
Too many men jump straight into dating, it's crazy. No wonder so many second and third marriages fail. It's disrespectful to the children definitely.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kaliber said:


> It's over between them and they are divorcing, so what's wrong with dating if he doesn't bring anyone home?!
> 
> 
> You assume that he needs to think, reflect, learn and heal, maybe he did, there is no disrespect at all.
> ...


I doubt it.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> He has has no time whatsoever to heal or reflect. They aren't even seperated yet.


Again you're assuming he needs to heal, maybe he doesn't!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He has has no time whatsoever to heal or reflect. They aren't even seperated yet.
> Too many men jump straight into dating, it's crazy. No wonder so many second and third marriages fail. It's disrespectful to the children definitely.


In this case the "children" are 19 and 22, and they helped Dad with his dating profile pic. I think they are fully on board with what Dad is doing. I suspect this has been a long time coming and zero surprise to them. Maybe they even think it is good for him to move on. It sounds like this marriage has had the cloud of divorce hanging over it for a long time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In this case the "children" are 19 and 22, and they helped Dad with his dating profile pic. I think they are fully on board with what Dad is doing. I suspect this has been a long time coming and zero surprise to them. Maybe they even think it is good for him to move on. It sounds like this marriage has had the cloud of divorce hanging over it for a long time.


I suspect they don't think much of him anyway. I certainly wouldn't if it were my dad asking me to help with a photo for his dating profile while still living with us. How low can you stoop.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kaliber said:


> Again you're assuming he needs to heal, maybe he doesn't!


Everyone needs to heal from the break up of a long marriage.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

There's a record number of assumptions in the last 2 pages of this thread.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I suspect they don't think much of him anyway. I certainly wouldn't if it were my dad asking me to help with a photo for his dating profile while still living with us. How low can you stoop.


This marriage has been going downhill for the last 15 years of their 25 year marriage according to the OP. These, now adult, children have seen what is going on. Also, they don’t really live at home except that one is taking a semester off from graduate school. The OP has been threatening divorce for some time, so I think she checked out of this marriage a long time ago. Now she feels upset that what she wanted all along is happening? Actually I think she really hoped that he would suffer some pain from the divorce, but she isn't getting her way. 

Imagine your Dad being stuck in a loveless marriage for 15 years where Mom has been threatening divorce for quite some time. Your Dad finally decides enough is enough and takes her up on the offer. You’ve been watching him suffer through a loveless marriage for years. You wouldn’t feel good for him that he is finally moving on after so many years of going through the motions of being married? You wouldn’t want to help him? I bet I know what you answer will be.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did your kids actually provide pics for the dating site?

Is it typical for people to post pics of their kids on their dating profiles? Seems rather creepy to me.
I don't know why you're feeling sorry for him. Unless, it has something to do with him having trained you to take all responsibility for the state of the marriage.

When he gets snotty with you, tell him that is an unattractive trait and the ladies won't like it anymore than you like it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This marriage has been going downhill for the last 15 years of their 25 year marriage according to the OP. These, now adult, children have seen what is going on. Also, they don’t really live at home except that one is taking a semester off from graduate school. The OP has been threatening divorce for some time, so I think she checked out of this marriage a long time ago. Now she feels upset that what she wanted all along is happening? Actually I think she really hoped that he would suffer some pain from the divorce, but she isn't getting her way.
> 
> Imagine your Dad being stuck in a loveless marriage for 15 years where Mom has been threatening divorce for quite some time. Your Dad finally decides enough is enough and takes her up on the offer. You’ve been watching him suffer through a loveless marriage for years. You wouldn’t feel good for him that he is finally moving on after so many years of going through the motions of being married? You wouldn’t want to help him? I bet I know what you answer will be.


I don't find it strange either. My kids are older and know what's going on. They encourage me to do other stuff, like spending more time in my own country, having my own life, etc...


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Wow this thread took off with a TON of assumptions - I honestly thought this was a place to get good advice but so many of you jump to creating your own stories and filling in blanks it's scary. Trident was spot on. I tried to quote what was said - I hope it ends up here for all of you who need a clarification to this story. Thank you for those who took the time to actually read what I wrote and reply, and to those of you who jumped into bs details, well...I see that's how you do things around here usually so I guess I should have expected it. 

Bottom line - we've had issues for years, H always threatened divorce but expected changes from me and always got them (to save the marriage at first, then to save the family. He never believed he was part of the problem even after hearing a counselor confirm it takes two. He always blamed our problems on me and me alone). More than likely expected the same this last go round (the reaction when I immediately agreed without discussion was shock). Two months ago he was planning a vacation after we dropped our daughter off at college - not to save the marriage - we existed in a kind of limbo at the time and were getting along if not happy. That was pretty much when I reached the end for myself and I realize my signals were loud and clear - leading to him once again "asking" for divorce.

Hope that and Trident's post clears this up finally.

As for the dating - I hope he finds someone and finds happiness some day. But doing this now while we are still legally married and living under the same roof is disrespectful.

as for people asking if he has worked through healing???? I think that is obvious by what I have said. 



Trident said:


> He wanted to have "The Talk". As he did countless times before, he puts it out there that he wants the Big D, and that's all he has to say. She typically tries to talk about how they can work through the problems and why he wants to end the marriage, but this time, she isn't interested in working anything out because she's done too.
> 
> And again, so what. They're getting divorced. Who gives a rat's ass who wanted it more?
> 
> The marriage is over for all practical purposes, they can go date and screw whomever they want as long as the person they happen to be with is onboard.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

As a card carrying member of team hit it, I hope your STBX is successful.

Once there has been a decision to terminate the marriage the rest is simply poor logistics.

As for disrespect, seemingly there has been a lot of that for a long time.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Goshenite said:


> Wow this thread took off with a TON of assumptions - I honestly thought this was a place to get good advice but so many of you jump to creating your own stories and filling in blanks it's scary. Trident was spot on. I tried to quote what was said - I hope it ends up here for all of you who need a clarification to this story. Thank you for those who took the time to actually read what I wrote and reply, and to those of you who jumped into bs details, well...I see that's how you do things around here usually so I guess I should have expected it.
> 
> Bottom line - we've had issues for years, *H always threatened divorce but expected changes from me *and always got them (to save the marriage at first, then to save the family. He never believed he was part of the problem even after hearing a counselor confirm it takes two. He always blamed our problems on me and me alone). More than likely expected the same this last go round (the reaction when I immediately agreed without discussion was shock). Two months ago he was planning a vacation after we dropped our daughter off at college - not to save the marriage - we existed in a kind of limbo at the time and were getting along if not happy. That was pretty much when I reached the end for myself and I realize my signals were loud and clear - leading to him once again "asking" for divorce.
> 
> ...


FYI that is what I took from your first telling of the story.

I always tell people divorce should not be threatened unless you want one. He has used it one too many times and now he has gotten his way in a way he never expected. He expected you to keep changing to his tune without actually sitting down and trying to make a marrige that worked for both of you.

As you can tell people here are just that people and many of them identify with the parties and fill in the gaps with their own experiences. Obviously some were wrong. Thank you for clearing that up.

I'm sure he is in shock. If he is on his own 'help' site they'd tell him to work out, date and look like he's having fun and that would somehow get you to be attracted to him again. I've never understood that, it wouldn't work for me but there are actually books written to this effect. I do understand why you feel sorry for him. He's probably still wondering what happened. It's easy the love was killed along time ago and now your children are out of the house.

How long will it take to sell the house and extract you two from this situation?
Since the divorce is in the works and neither of you want to work it out, it should be fine if he dates. I do consider poor form if it has been under 6 months. Once you start to go long term roomates then people do need to move on with their life. But you never had control over him so now you have even less. I'd recommend ignoring him and his dating. He most likely wanted you to find out so you know he's serious. LOL.

If it really bothers you and you want to get under his skin, book a hotel and go spend the night there. Don't tell him what you are doing but get dressed up as you leave the house. That will blow his mind. 

But really I wouldn't play games just move on. You've spent way too much time in limbo and trying to hold things together without any help. Breathe be free and don't let anything he does effect you anymore. Read up on the 180. Also I don't cook for men who are dating others so stop doing any household chores for him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Goshenite said:


> Wow this thread took off with a TON of assumptions - I honestly thought this was a place to get good advice but so many of you jump to creating your own stories and filling in blanks it's scary. Trident was spot on. I tried to quote what was said - I hope it ends up here for all of you who need a clarification to this story. Thank you for those who took the time to actually read what I wrote and reply, and to those of you who jumped into bs details, well...I see that's how you do things around here usually so I guess I should have expected it.
> 
> Bottom line - we've had issues for years, H always threatened divorce but expected changes from me and always got them (to save the marriage at first, then to save the family. He never believed he was part of the problem even after hearing a counselor confirm it takes two. He always blamed our problems on me and me alone). More than likely expected the same this last go round (the reaction when I immediately agreed without discussion was shock). Two months ago he was planning a vacation after we dropped our daughter off at college - not to save the marriage - we existed in a kind of limbo at the time and were getting along if not happy. That was pretty much when I reached the end for myself and I realize my signals were loud and clear - leading to him once again "asking" for divorce.
> 
> ...


Why? How are you offended? You are firing him from the job of husband? Why is it disrespectful?

Btw, he sounds like a bad guy (boy one side of the story), so why are his kids helping him with dating photos. Apparently your own children don’t think his dating is disrespectful and since you wouldn’t even know about it if they hadn’t told you, it seems he IS being reasonably respectful. I’m not seeing the disrespect.

How can one disrespect a marriage that you day has been done for 15 years. The only reason you’re in the same house is you can’t afford to live apart. Don’t see your outrage.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and OP about the erratic behavior. He is going through the stages of grief. He is sometimes in denial and sometimes anger and sometimes acceptance. You see when he brought up divorce he never expected you to take him up on it.

Which means he really shouldn't be dating. It isn't fair to those he's dating but as far as from your perspective you shouldn't care. You don't have to prepare meals or eat with him. You don't have to be mean to disengage your life with him. Just stop. He'll be eating alone when the house sells and he moves out. Or he won't but it won't be with you.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> FYI that is what I took from your first telling of the story.
> 
> I always tell people divorce should not be threatened unless you want one. He has used it one too many times and now he has gotten his way in a way he never expected. He expected you to keep changing to his tune without actually sitting down and trying to make a marrige that worked for both of you.
> 
> ...


You are so spot on it's scary. He has actually said to me in the past that he felt I "lost that lovin' feeling". He was right and I tried so hard to get it back for so long. But marriage is about two people and his belief that he played no role spelled our doom. We separated once before and that ended because I told him I could change - there was no recognition on his part and at the time the kids lived at home and THAT was my motivation. Counseling helped a bit - he actually was forced to acknowledge that role. But we didn't keep it up and he went back to the blame game. I tried - for a long time...to find my way back to loving him or at least a way back to a decent marriage. But when someone makes you feel less than for so long and you finally wake up and realize that along with knowing nothing will change...that was my end.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Goshenite said:


> You are so spot on it's scary. He has actually said to me in the past that he felt I "lost that lovin' feeling". He was right and I tried so hard to get it back for so long. But marriage is about two people and his belief that he played no role spelled our doom. We separated once before and that ended because I told him I could change - there was no recognition on his part and at the time the kids lived at home and THAT was my motivation. Counseling helped a bit - he actually was forced to acknowledge that role. But we didn't keep it up and he went back to the blame game. I tried - for a long time...to find my way back to loving him or at least a way back to a decent marriage. But when someone makes you feel less than for so long and you finally wake up and realize that along with knowing nothing will change...that was my end.


Except something did change. You refused to be less than anymore. Good for you.

This is a tale as old as time.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and let me guess his big complaint was lack of regular sex. Which you had no desire because of the way he didn't connect with you and treated you like a servant to do his bidding.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh and let me guess his big complaint was lack of regular sex. Which you had no desire because of the way he didn't connect with you and treated you like a servant to do his bidding.


I'm sensing you have had a similar experience....I almost wrote more but I'm afraid of the assumptions...you however have it right. Thank you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Goshenite said:


> I'm sensing you have had a similar experience....I almost wrote more but I'm afraid of the assumptions...you however have it right. Thank you.


I really haven't had much like you. I did have a 2 year engagement that I broke off because I refused to be less than.

But I have been a member here for years. The women have similar stories and the men it is different.
Women disconnect often times from not being heard or treated like a partner or being less than. Men only notice lack of sex. Many are advised tell them put out or divorce. Women being the keeper of children start putting out while explaining they need emotional connection but the men don't emotionally connect. So now there is even more resentment. Once the kids are done the wife is done.

Sometimes the wife doesn't increase sex but the marriage drags on for a while. The men come here complaining about the lack of sex. Often the cover is that is how they feel intimacy in a marriage and they say they are meeting all theirs wives needs because they make money or do some dishes. But they aren't listening. They won't participate in an equal relationship.

Don't get me wrong often times the wives are wrong as well. But I see this story alot.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And yes you should be afraid of the assumptions. When the figure out there was little sex they will bash you. Because some particularly some feel that you always have to have sex with your spouse. There is some validity to having sex since your spouse shouldn't be getting it elsewhere. But how does one do that with someone that makes them feel very unsexy. The solution is really the divorce should have probably happened much earlier.

However you were stuck in a loveless relationship and he was stuck in a less sex than he would have liked. Neither estatic and now it's ending as it should. You two could probably pull this out of the fire but really do you want to? Let it die it's natural death. Get out as quick as possible and in the meantime don't be mean but stop bending over backward to be nice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My question is why waste 15 years of your lives? Should have divorced long ago.
we only get one side if the story. To say that men only care about the lack of sex is wrong and Seems pretty negative towards men. 
He tried to plan a vacation with her and she’s planning a divorce. Nobody sees this as odd?
He only wants sex. He can get that at home, I’d think. Probably not him, I guess. Why would he plan a vacation other than to spend some relaxing time with his wife??????
Something doesn’t add up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

@Goshenite - I still don't quite get what your exact "issues" were... maybe I missed them. I'm saying this because your story is similar to mine (I'm a man - so I am your husband...  )


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Goshenite said:


> Wow this thread took off with a TON of assumptions - I honestly thought this was a place to get good advice but so many of you jump to creating your own stories and filling in blanks it's scary. Trident was spot on. I tried to quote what was said - I hope it ends up here for all of you who need a clarification to this story. Thank you for those who took the time to actually read what I wrote and reply, and to those of you who jumped into bs details, well...I see that's how you do things around here usually so I guess I should have expected it.
> 
> Bottom line - we've had issues for years, H always threatened divorce but expected changes from me and always got them (to save the marriage at first, then to save the family. He never believed he was part of the problem even after hearing a counselor confirm it takes two. He always blamed our problems on me and me alone). More than likely expected the same this last go round (the reaction when I immediately agreed without discussion was shock). Two months ago he was planning a vacation after we dropped our daughter off at college - not to save the marriage - we existed in a kind of limbo at the time and were getting along if not happy. That was pretty much when I reached the end for myself and I realize my signals were loud and clear - leading to him once again "asking" for divorce.
> 
> ...


You are right, it can go off the rails here sometimes. Despite that, bottom line is you are getting divorced. You haven't been happy in your marriage for 15 years. It is finally over. You should not concern yourself in anyway with what he is doing. Based on how you describe his past actions in dealing with marital problems, did you really expect something different from him? If anything it should reinforce that the decision to divorce is the right one. It sucks that you are stuck living in the same house, but nothing you can do about it except move on. It appears your kids have come to terms with it if they are helping him with OLD sites.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> My question is why waste 15 years of your lives? Should have divorced long ago.
> we only get one side if the story. To say that men only care about the lack of sex is wrong and Seems pretty negative towards men.
> He tried to plan a vacation with her and she’s planning a divorce. Nobody sees this as odd?
> He only wants sex. He can get that at home, I’d think. Probably not him, I guess. Why would he plan a vacation other than to spend some relaxing time with his wife??????
> Something doesn’t add up.


Ok well I wasn't talking about all men but the men like her husband yes. And to say he was planning a vacation to spend time with her. Just wonder over to the sex in marriage forum. Many men think oh if I take them on vacation we are going to have amazing sex. That isn't to say that maybe he wanted to just go on vacation and it would be weird not to take your wife. That in no way means he's actually trying to connect emotionally or to become a better husband.

He's spent years bending her to his will and using divorce as a bludgeon. She's done. Doesn't really matter his side of the story cause guess what we aren't here to "judge" whose fault it is. OP asked about him dating and it is weird that she feels sorry for him. It could be totally her 'fault' for the divorce. Her husband could be 'amazing' doesn't matter. HE wanted to talk about divorce she accepted. It's done.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> @Goshenite - *I still don't quite get what your exact "issues" were... *maybe I missed them. I'm saying this because your story is similar to mine (I'm a man - so I am your husband...  )


Does it matter? She was willing to work on them and he wasn't. It was his way or the highway.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I wonder why his first marriage ended.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Goshenite said:


> .Finally things reached a head and we had a talk that last probably all of ten minutes. *He had told my children (20 and 23) he was going to be talking to me about a divorce* - I am not sure if he told them he was asking for it or talking to me about it, it doesn't matter. The point is, they knew before ME he was coming to me about it. However, I had already decided this was the way to go and knew that the talk would be about that. He said the word divorce, I said yes, and that was that.


OP I reread this second post. I would have been done right there if I hadn't been before.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Does it matter? She was willing to work on them and he wasn't. It was his way or the highway.


It does matter... how are we supposed to have a full picture if we don't even know what the issues were?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> It does matter... how are we supposed to have a full picture if we don't even know what the issues were?


The full picture for what? Do determine if it's ok to date while being in the same house and agreeing to live there while divorcing?
Or whether she should feel weird for feeling sorry for him. 

Those were the OP's questions. 

I know this board loves to hear the whole story and then pass judgement and pronounce blame and get triggered by their own past experiences.... But OP didn't ask for any of that.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

So you wanted a divorce but now don’t want him to try and move on? I doubt it’s even that you care if he finds someone. You probably just want to be the one to find someone else first.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Or whether she should feel weird for feeling sorry for him.


Why is she feeling weird for feeling sorry for him? I can't answer that question, because we don't have enough information about their relationship.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jjj858 said:


> So you wanted a divorce but now don’t want him to try and move on? I doubt it’s even that you care if he finds someone. You probably just want to be the one to find someone else first.


HE WANTED a divorce. She agreed. 

How about since they agreed to live together while divorcing you wait til the ink is dry. Living together is hard enough without having people date while doing it. It isn't like we are talking years here.

Why so much venom for a woman who has been threatened with divorce by her husband for years and now she agrees to divorce him. It's all her fault that she didn't change to be everything he wanted?

Come on. I expected better even from the men of TAM.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Why is she feeling weird for feeling sorry for him? I can't answer that question, because we don't have enough information about their relationship.


I don't think it is so much about the entire past. 

I think it is more like we are divorcing, I feel sorry for him. But isn't that weird since we are divorcing?

Maybe I read it wrong. I think she is more looking for people who have had to live together while selling the house and divorcing. I don't think she is looking for an analysis of the whole relationship.

But maybe OP will come back and answer all. She has already filled in much of the blanks anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she’s shared as much as she wants to.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP I reread this second post. I would have been done right there if I hadn't been before.


Why? It sounds like his only family connection was through his kids. His wife checked out long ago. He hadn’t yet checked out, as shown by the vacation planning. Note that his wife knew about the planning but didn’t instantly put a stop to it, from what I can tell.

At this point it really doesn’t matter that it might have been entirely his doing that it was a bad relationship. What matters is that she’s getting HER wish. It’s over. So why the heck does she care, or worse believe she has a right to be angry, over him doing the things that “moving on” allows you to do? Why does she think she has a right to control the type of access he has to ADULT offspring?

It almost feels like she really hasn’t thought through what divorce actually means. And as for trying to work on the marriage earlier, well, too late for this to matter now, but you have to be willing to risk everything, go all-in, if you want it to work. Going to a few counseling sessions, things improve a bit and then you stop going and… the narrative didn’t feel like either party was putting everything into it. That was the time for action. Now? Time to reap what you sow (for both of them) and move on.

I hope she has friends she can talk to about all this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> Why? It sounds like his only family connection was through his kids. His wife checked out long ago. He hadn’t yet checked out, as shown by the vacation planning. Note that his wife knew about the planning but didn’t instantly put a stop to it, from what I can tell.
> 
> At this point it really doesn’t matter that it might have been entirely his doing that it was a bad relationship. What matters is that she’s getting HER wish. It’s over. So why the heck does she care, or worse believe she has a right to be angry, over him doing the things that “moving on” allows you to do? Why does she think she has a right to control the type of access he has to ADULT offspring?
> 
> ...


I don't understand why any rational adult would think it is appropriate to talk about divorce with the kids before talking with the spouse. But whatever.

I don't see her trying to Control him at all. She hasn't asked him to stop. She was simply asking if it would be normal or ok with others. She also isn't contolling his access to adult children. 


Where are you people getting all this?

OP run and never come back. It seems this thread is just going to be about how your husband is some victim.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't understand why any rational adult would think it is appropriate to talk about divorce with the kids before talking with the spouse. But whatever.
> 
> I don't see her trying to Control him at all. She hasn't asked him to stop. She was simply asking if it would be normal or ok with others. She also isn't contolling his access to adult children.
> 
> ...


I am - I can't believe it's still going on, it is somewhat amusing to see how triggered people can get and then run so far with so little. I am done here - thank you for YOUR input, obviously I gave enough information for someone to figure it all out - you must be a genius!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't understand why any rational adult would think it is appropriate to talk about divorce with the kids before talking with the spouse. But whatever.
> 
> I don't see her trying to Control him at all. She hasn't asked him to stop. She was simply asking if it would be normal or ok with others. She also isn't contolling his access to adult children.
> 
> ...


From the OP, divorce had been brought up in the past, by both parties. I don’t see this qualifying as an ambush. And again, “the kids.” When are they no longer, well, childish? At what point, if ever, might they acquire valuable insight?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't understand why any rational adult would think it i*s appropriate to talk about divorce with the kids before talking with the spouse. * But whatever.
> 
> I don't see her trying to Control him at all. She hasn't asked him to stop. She was simply asking if it would be normal or ok with others. She also isn't contolling his access to adult children.
> 
> ...


Did you notice that when he asked to talk; she wouldn’t have any discussion?
Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk to her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What were his actual specific complaints, concerns and criticisms? And what were the things he wanted you to change? Bad enough to take you to counselling over it and give an ultimatum?

It’s still so vague. That’s why so many people are making assumptions. Not much makes sense, so we’re filling gaps and telling stories.

So how, specifically, did you change?

I mean, some people get threatened with divorce because ‘I wasn’t going to stop having coffee with my male neighbour while husband was at work and I got sick of being told to stop and was constantly criticised for it’ or ‘my wife was constantly nagging she never shut up, always trying to change me’. I’m a tracksuit and t-shirt guy and I like messy hair, why should I wear ironed pants to dinner!’ Or, ‘I’m sick of being criticised for not cooking and cleaning. He can bring takeaway on his way home from work. I don’t like that domestic stuff and he has to love me the way I am’.

So these sorts of complaints are really specific. But we don’t really know what he asked from you? your adult kids are helping him date. That’s very specific.

You know, after rereading your posts, it’s still not clear who actually asked for the divorce, your first few posts were that vague, and I’m not getting any clarity from the last one either. And I notice you’re not really giving specifics about what he did wrong, you don’t complain all that much about any deal breakers??

The only thing I think you’re mad about and keep referencing is his dating. Kids seem to be very on board. 

Have you always been distant from your kids?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

My interpretation of his actions is that when you agreed that divorce was the route to pursue, he instantly flipped a switch and began thinking of himself as a single man with a roommate he doesn't care about and who will be moving out before too long. He's doing the 180.

And yes, he can ask his adult kids for help creating an OLD profile. And he can date while living temporarily with a roommate. He doesn't need to ask his roommate's permission to date, or wait for the roommate to move out.

I agree with those posting that it's extremely disrespectful to openly date in front of his STBXW, but he obviously hasn't cared about respecting her feelings for years, so his behaviour shouldn't come as a surprise.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> What were his actual specific complaints, concerns and criticisms? And what were the things he wanted you to change? Bad enough to take you to counselling over it and give an ultimatum?
> 
> It’s still so vague. That’s why so many people are making assumptions. Not much makes sense, so we’re filling gaps and telling stories.
> 
> ...


I asked about all of this, but apparently it doesn't matter because they are having a divorce anyway... I get the OP only asked 2 questions, but without the whole picture it's impossible to answer. I'm glad it's not just me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My interpretation of his actions is that when you agreed that divorce was the route to pursue, he instantly flipped a switch and began thinking of himself as a single man with a roommate he doesn't care about and who will be moving out before too long. He's doing the 180.
> 
> And yes, he can ask his adult kids for help creating an OLD profile. And he can date while living temporarily with a roommate. He doesn't need to ask his roommate's permission to date, or wait for the roommate to move out.
> 
> I agree with those posting that it's extremely disrespectful to openly date in front of his STBXW, but he obviously hasn't cared about respecting her feelings for years, so his behaviour shouldn't come as a surprise.


But he hasn’t been openly dating.
And w only have one side of the story. OP seems like the last thing she likes to do is communicate. Her husband may be looking forward to actually talking to a woman for a change.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did you notice that when he asked to talk; she wouldn’t have any discussion?
> Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk to her.


Why would she talk about it when he brings it up regular. That kills emotion and feelings. She isn't in love with him anymore. he wants a divorce she agreed. She didn't need to talk about it because he wanted to talk about how SHE was going to 'fix' it and how it isn't his fault. Rarely are marriage problems only one person's fault. She agreed to the divorce. They apparantly talked enough to decide they'd live in the house together until all the paperwork is settled.

Why would ANYONE agree to a conversation about how they are everything that is wrong in the marriage from a person who has threatened divorce for over 15 years. Using it as a weapon to get his way. So now he has his way.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I really haven't had much like you. I did have a 2 year engagement that I broke off because I refused to be less than.
> 
> But I have been a member here for years. The women have similar stories and the men it is different.
> Women disconnect often times from not being heard or treated like a partner or being less than. Men only notice lack of sex. Many are advised tell them put out or divorce. Women being the keeper of children start putting out while explaining they need emotional connection but the men don't emotionally connect. So now there is even more resentment. Once the kids are done the wife is done.
> ...


You’ve made some assumptions too, but unless I’ve missed something, she hasn’t actually stated he was complaining about lack of sex. She won’t even state what he complained about and what behaviour she was showing for him to ask for divorce. She did say she changed though (just for the kids and to keep the family together, not because she loved him and wanted him).

She just keeps repeating that she hasn’t been I love with him since the kids were small, and he noticed and told her she wasn’t loving. So she has no business whatsoever demanding respect (his dating profile) given she explicitly DOES NOT LOVE HIM. She’s mad at us, and mad at him, because she came here asking for advice and thought she would get it (what advice??? We don’t even know this??) But she just got our BS as she calls it.

It’s infuriating reading this, and your defensive and vague response. I can’t imagine how it must have been for him trying to get anywhere! Marriage is done, was done long ago, don’t be angrily demanding he not see other people. 

OP, did you want advice on how to demand he stops dating and how we can help you gain his and your children’s respect?

Here’s my advice, let him date and stop being so angry about it. You stopped loving him years ago, the kids are long out of home, let the kids and another woman help speed up the process. Living without love is devastating, why’d you string him along for so long?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why would she talk about it when he brings it up regular. That kills emotion and feelings. She isn't in love with him anymore. he wants a divorce she agreed. She didn't need to talk about it because he wanted to talk about how SHE was going to 'fix' it and how it isn't his fault. *Rarely are marriage problems only one person's fault. * She agreed to the divorce. They apparantly talked enough to decide they'd live in the house together until all the paperwork is settled.
> 
> Why would ANYONE agree to a conversation about how they are everything that is wrong in the marriage from a person who has threatened divorce for over 15 years. Using it as a weapon to get his way. So now he has his way.


I agree with the bold, yet it seems only OP’s husband gets blamed for wanting more sex (OP never said that), and that he’s been a bad husband and wanting her to change some things (which she doesn’t even say what they were). I think one thing she could work on is communication. Hell, he’s planning a vacation and she’s planning a divorce. THAT is An OBVIOUS miscommunication.
She’s not much of a divorce planner either. They’re not even separated.
We weren’t told what he wanted her to change, exactly why he was so awful, nor why she’s jacked out of shape about him dating even though she apparently hates him, and has for 15 years. The fact this his kids have helped him get his dating profile set up says a lot to me. Pap hates the man but likes him enough to live with him. She wants nothing to do with him, but doesn’t want him to find anyone because it’s “disrespectful”. I’ll bet he could care less about disrespecting her when she’s been keeping him at roommate status for 15 years. I cant really blame him on that. And, now that he asked for a divorce and she said yes, I don’t find it disrespectful AT ALL. Especially since they’re only roommates and he’s never brought one home.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So the Captain Obvious question might be, if it is so bad living under the same roof with an STBX (and in MOST situations I’d imagine they to be the case), does the wife have anyplace else to go, or the husband for that matter, and assuming they do, why hasn’t this happened?

OP believes she threw the final switch on the marriage. She had absolute control on that. Once done, the idea of demanding or even expecting normal or respectful-to-the-marriage behavior is absurd. Absolute control is now gone, and to some extent, her STBX is now in the driver’s seat, because he has nothing left to lose. Once you play the nuclear option, reasonableness is an unreasonable expectation.

I wonder if she could be upset that her STBX pulled out the divorce card and got away with it, while she does the same and things aren’t turning out as planned? Maybe she didn’t think it would go this far, since it hadn’t before? Or maybe I’m making too much out of the vacation he was planning with her, thinking there could still be something to salvage, that he wasn’t yet giving up and could have become a better partner?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Goshenite said:


> My husband and I are working through a divorce now. We share a home and cannot afford to maintain two households so we are living under the same roof for now. We have one child at home who is taking a semester off from grad school. We agreed to keep things civil and were doing a bang up job of it - still taking care of all chores, meeting with realtors, contacting a mediator, and still having dinners together. However, he goes back and forth - he can be civil and nice one second and the next make snarky remarks. One of the realtors we met with actually commented as an aside to me and to my sister (she referred us to him) that he could not believe the things my husband was saying when he was there. He will be incredibly insulting then turn around and ask me to walk the dogs with him, show me funny videos, vent about something...He is all over the place...ANYWAY I found out he joined not one but two online dating sites - it didn't change how I acted toward him and I haven't let him know I am aware of this. Some of my friends/family felt he wanted me to know this, I was (and still am) not sure. HOWEVER - he has asked both my daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the dating sites so he is not trying too hard to keep it a secret. They did not tell me - I found out another way. My question is - has anyone had this happen to them and is there ANYTHING rational or justifiable about this? I understand we are both moving on but we are still legally married and still living under the same roof and I find it completely disrespectful (not that I expect respect at this stage but...) and it reeks of desperation. But maybe it is a normal thing - I don't know, never divorced anyone after 25 years of marriage before....


Hi there...I don't know how or why the responses on this thread went off the rails like they did (I admit I didn't read them all), but I wanted to post to you to tell you that I am in a very similar situation right now with my STBX - we are living in the same house (separate rooms), we've filed for divorce, and we do nothing together anymore (no meals, no shopping, no TV or movies, etc). 

It's a relief but also incredibly stressful at the same time. He is making horrible choices (mistakes) with his life and it's not my place to say anything about it...and that is hard for me. He wants me to pretend I don't see what he's doing, and I really struggle with "pretending" anything. It's as if he's become Peter Pan, and if I don't like it, I am the one who has to try to avoid him.

I think all the annoyances you mentioned are VERY normal to feel, and just part of detaching from someone who you used to feel very connected and attached to. And now that he doesn't have to pretend to care about you anymore (and you about him), the masks are off and you get to actually SEE the person you've been trying to love in a very impersonal, objective way...and it stings.

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated, bewildered, and slightly hurt about how he is acting...but you need to let your expectations go and continue the process of moving on. Even if there is relief in ending your marriage, there is still sadness and a sense of loss, that's NORMAL and healthy! Let yourself feel those feelings but release them, because they don't serve you in your goal. Remember - he is a roommate now, and you are an observer only.

Hang in there!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, is it possible that he really doesn't want a divorce but brought it up as a manipulation tactic?

This is what my ex did in order to shut down an uncomfortable discussion. But he didn't really want one and didn't expect me to go along with it....he figured the threat would bully me into sweeping everything back under the rug as we'd always done.

This could explain the snarky comments....if he doesn't want a divorce but only wants to be married on his terms.

Thoughts?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, is it possible that he really doesn't want a divorce but brought it up as a manipulation tactic?
> 
> This is what my ex did in order to shut down an uncomfortable discussion. But he didn't really want one and didn't expect me to go along with it....he figured the threat would bully me into sweeping everything back under the rug as we'd always done.
> 
> ...


I think that's kind of exactly what she has indicated. He's used this before. He expects her to change.


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, is it possible that he really doesn't want a divorce but brought it up as a manipulation tactic?
> 
> This is what my ex did in order to shut down an uncomfortable discussion. But he didn't really want one and didn't expect me to go along with it....he figured the threat would bully me into sweeping everything back under the rug as we'd always done.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is what I’ve been told by objective outsiders and what I’m now beginning to believe. there is a history of him threatening me and my bending to what he demanded. That’s ended now and I do think he was surprised by that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This marriage has been going downhill for the last 15 years of their 25 year marriage according to the OP. These, now adult, children have seen what is going on. Also, they don’t really live at home except that one is taking a semester off from graduate school. The OP has been threatening divorce for some time, so I think she checked out of this marriage a long time ago. Now she feels upset that what she wanted all along is happening? Actually I think she really hoped that he would suffer some pain from the divorce, but she isn't getting her way.
> 
> Imagine your Dad being stuck in a loveless marriage for 15 years where Mom has been threatening divorce for quite some time. Your Dad finally decides enough is enough and takes her up on the offer. You’ve been watching him suffer through a loveless marriage for years. You wouldn’t feel good for him that he is finally moving on after so many years of going through the motions of being married? You wouldn’t want to help him? I bet I know what you answer will be.


I would suggest to him that they get the house sold, get the divorce done and then he can move on and date if he wants to. 
He has chosen not to end the marriage up till now which he was free to do if things were that bad.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yet you never say what these “demands” are...

there might be a difference in demanding you don’t go to the nail salon to get a pedicure 4 times a month, vs demanding you give him a bj every night at 9:30.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

it's still clear as mud...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’ve been told by objective outsiders?


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## Offkilter123 (Dec 2, 2020)

OP refuses to provide details. Her mental gymnastics and obfuscation lead to the obvious conclusion that her husband is well justified in divorcing her. If it were otherwise she would be forthcoming with details and facts. I remain convinced that her husband is divorcing the OP due to her infidelity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Offkilter123 said:


> OP refuses to provide details. Her mental gymnastics and obfuscation lead to the obvious conclusion that her husband is well justified in divorcing her. If it were otherwise she would be forthcoming with details and facts. I remain convinced that her husband is divorcing the OP due to her infidelity.


he did put this in a previous post...



Goshenite said:


> I’ve been married 25 years and probably the first ten were amazing but things started to go downhill after that. My husband was always my best friend and my best supporter but through the years has turned into someone who is critical and judgmental to a fault. He always had these characteristics, but they were tempered so it was ok. However, they are full blown now (and have been) and after years and years of trying to make things work, I finally could not do it. I admit I tried to fake it till I could make it but it never happened – mainly because my husband has always held the belief that our marriage issues are due to me and only I can change them. We tried counseling for a short time and it seemed to help but then things went back to the same old same old. The counseling came about because following my father’s death in 2016 I went into a depression and my husband, who believed no one should grieve for more than 3 months, made it unbearable for me. After counseling he realized that not everyone grieves the same and he was wrong to push me, but that is really the crux of the issue. Without a professional telling him he got it wrong, he believes he is ALWAYS right – I am not alone in seeing this quality in him in any way at all. When it comes to a marriage, that sounds the death knell, as it did here. All he says he has ever wanted is for me to love him and to be the center of my universe, but how can I when he has treated me so poorly? When we were talking divorce he actually told me the reason he was nice to my family through the years is because I LOVED HIM…and the reason I was nice to HIS family all these years is because I LOVED HIM….Umm….what about his love for me? It’s all about him being loved and honestly, he lost than and hasn’t earned it back in any way…. He has talked to my children about his issues with me – mainly my daughter who is now 19 but was in junior high when he started. He sees nothing wrong with doing this – he says he has no one else to talk to. I have told him then he needs to find someone or not talk to anyone because bad mouthing your wife to her daughter…well, unacceptable on all counts, I think. When I asked him to please not do that after we decided on a divorce, he told me “You can’t tell me what to do, we are divorcing”. That is how it is – his behavior at first was ridiculous. Although he said he wanted things civil he did not act like it. I did – I do not want to have any regrets about how I behaved. He has since calmed down and is being civil…there is so much more to this story but the bottom line is he lost my love and respect and everything else through the years because of his incessant need to be the one who is always right and his inability to empathize, understand or be there for me (because being upset or sad is a waste of time unless it is HIS problem). Anyway, we have two children, 19 and 22, one is going off to college in a week and the other is taking a semester off from grad school. He may end up with me if we move out before the new year. I honestly cannot believe that my entire world is crashing down on me now, but at the same time I know that I cannot go on like this.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Offkilter123 said:


> OP refuses to provide details. Her mental gymnastics and obfuscation lead to the obvious conclusion that her husband is well justified in divorcing her. If it were otherwise she would be forthcoming with details and facts. I remain convinced that her husband is divorcing the OP due to her infidelity.


Where did you find anything about OP having an affair?


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## laura1212 (Sep 6, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> That’s not an answer.
> Either:
> Spouse1 said it’s time to divorce and Spouse2 said ok, since you don’t want me anymore
> or
> ...


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## laura1212 (Sep 6, 2021)

Goshenite said:


> Second post today...
> 
> My husband and I are going through a divorce - we are still in the same house as we can't afford two households. We agreed to keep things civil and were for the most part but he tends to dive into snarky comments and has also joined dating websites. I found this out on my own, though there's a chance he wanted it to be known....he has asked our daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the sites...
> 
> ...


i fell out of love with my husband too so i totally understand. However, there were still a lot of warm feelings on my part and i thought we would always be friends. i asked to separate and when he started dating a week later behind my back it crushed me so hard i have not been able to function for 10 weeks. i found out tonight they are sleeping in my bed in our vacation home. how is that decent behavour? is there no respect or regard or boundaries required after a 20 year marriage?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

laura1212 said:


> i fell out of love with my husband too so i totally understand. However, there were still a lot of warm feelings on my part and i thought we would always be friends. i asked to separate and when he started dating a week later behind my back it crushed me so hard i have not been able to function for 10 weeks. i found out tonight they are sleeping in my bed in our vacation home. how is that decent behavour? is there no respect or regard or boundaries required after a 20 year marriage?


When you fall out of love with someone and ask for separation/divorce, then you can’t expect certain behaviours. 

It’s maddening how often this happens: you don’t love a person, you want to end the relationship, and then as soon as they meet someone else, you feel crushed? They get to do whatever they like and decide whatever they like once you stop loving them and make it official. Unless there was infidelity and you had no choice but to move on (I get it, this hurts). But falling out of love and then falling apart when they find someone who wants them in a way you didn’t? I see so many people do this 😔


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I call it cake-eatism...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Offkilter123 said:


> OP refuses to provide details. Her mental gymnastics and obfuscation lead to the obvious conclusion that her husband is well justified in divorcing her. If it were otherwise she would be forthcoming with details and facts. I remain convinced that her husband is divorcing the OP due to her infidelity.


This is a hoot. Debate much? The only thing that is obvious is some are disappointed that they don't get to be judge and jury. 

BTW, your attempt to bully her into giving up the details is pathetic.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I cannot BELIEVE what the posts on here have descended into -- suspicions and assumptions that have NOTHING to do with the OP's original questions and what she is seeking help for. And I'm surprised and disturbed by some regular posters who I normally respect very much engaging in such unhelpful and even hurtful comments.

I just want to point out that THIS thread is exactly why I've never felt fully comfortable sharing all the details of the struggles in my marriage as it imploded...I can see I am rightfully worried about being misunderstood and attacked for things I may not even be asking for help with...!!!

It's possible that some of the respondents should rethink their method of "helping" a fellow human who is struggling, instead of justifying their baseless need for "enough details"...

Because NONE of those posts are helpful (or KIND) in any way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I cannot BELIEVE what the posts on here have descended into -- suspicions and assumptions that have NOTHING to do with the OP's original questions and what she is seeking help for. And I'm surprised and disturbed by some regular posters who I normally respect very much engaging in such unhelpful and even hurtful comments.
> 
> I just want to point out that THIS thread is exactly why I've never felt fully comfortable sharing all the details of the struggles in my marriage as it imploded...I can see I am rightfully worried about being misunderstood and attacked for things I may not even be asking for help with...!!!
> 
> ...


I agree with you, but it's human nature and it's TAM's nature. Without further details, speculations are rife.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> I cannot BELIEVE what the posts on here have descended into -- suspicions and assumptions that have NOTHING to do with the OP's original questions and what she is seeking help for. And I'm surprised and disturbed by some regular posters who I normally respect very much engaging in such unhelpful and even hurtful comments.
> 
> I just want to point out that THIS thread is exactly why I've never felt fully comfortable sharing all the details of the struggles in my marriage as it imploded...I can see I am rightfully worried about being misunderstood and attacked for things I may not even be asking for help with...!!!
> 
> ...


This is especially true seeing as how it was him who brought up divorce and him who joined a dating site while living in the same house.

Yet the fact that she didn't want to "talk" and agreed to a divorce must mean she's having an affair and he's a poor victim.

Methinks there's a lot of projecting going on here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I agree with you, but it's human nature and it's TAM's nature. Without further details, speculations are rife.


But it's irrelevant, because she hasn't asked for help in salvaging her marriage. She's only asked if it's appropriate to be on a dating site while you're still living with your spouse and the divorce is in process. 

Personally I wouldn't have cared what my ex did while our divorce was pending but that's me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> But it's irrelevant, because she hasn't asked for help in salvaging her marriage. She's only asked if it's appropriate to be on a dating site while you're still living with your spouse and the divorce is in process.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't have cared what my ex did while our divorce was pending but that's me.


Yes, I get it, but if he is on dating sites to annoy her, because she is divorcing him, then it's a different matter. In that case, it's not ok (IMO). If he is because he has accepted the divorce and he is looking for a companion, then it is. Generally, though, like you, I couldn't care less if I'm divorcing my partner.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

laura1212 said:


> i fell out of love with my husband too so i totally understand. However, there were still a lot of warm feelings on my part and i thought we would always be friends. i asked to separate and when he started dating a week later behind my back it crushed me so hard i have not been able to function for 10 weeks. i found out tonight they are sleeping in my bed in our vacation home. how is that decent behavour? is there no respect or regard or boundaries required after a 20 year marriage?


I would hazard a guess that he already new the women and was just waiting to be free or he was already hooking up with her.

That said, not sure what you expected. The end of the marriage was already in progress. Would it really have felt better to see him with someone else a weeks or months later?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get it, but if he is on dating sites to annoy her, because she is divorcing him, then it's a different matter. In that case, it's not ok (IMO). If he is because he has accepted the divorce and he is looking for a companion, then it is. Generally, though, like you, I couldn't care less if I'm divorcing my partner.


When I divorced my ex I was so done with him that I would've happily helped him get ready for a date.

OP's discomfort could suggest she isn't fully detached, but that's ok because one doesn't have to be detached to acknowledge the marriage isn't working.

I don't think it's worth her effort to worry about it. He's unlikely to find anything quality at this point anyway.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I agree with you, but it's human nature and it's TAM's nature. Without further details, speculations are rife.


YES...but that doesn't make it right, or an example of what "TAM nature" SHOULD be...and faulty human nature needs to be challenged and corrected.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get it, but if he is on dating sites to annoy her, because she is divorcing him, then it's a different matter. In that case, it's not ok (IMO). If he is because he has accepted the divorce and he is looking for a companion, then it is. Generally, though, like you, I couldn't care less if I'm divorcing my partner.


I'm wondering (really!) if you posted a version of this opinion in any of your posts on this thread...? 
I am asking because I didn't read them all...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> When I divorced my ex I was so done with him that I would've happily helped him get ready for a date.
> 
> OP's discomfort could suggest she isn't fully detached, but that's ok because one doesn't have to be detached to acknowledge the marriage isn't working.
> 
> I don't think it's worth her effort to worry about it. He's unlikely to find anything quality at this point anyway.


This is ME as well...I'm so done, I just want him to move on, whatever that takes.

However, I don't expect that everyone's relationship and breakup and way of coping should be exactly like MINE and ME at all, so I don't take it personally when other people have a different experience than I do. But it sounds like that's what many of the posters on this thread have done - taken her situation personally. And as a result, they are helping no one at all.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think she came here wanting some moral support and a fan base for saying he is a real jerk for dating so fast. 

But yes, when she offers no details on his demands he’s made after threatening divorce in the past, and says she hasn’t had any feelings for him in 15 years, but stayed, it makes one question if he’s a total asshole (which he very well could be) or if he’s just hurt and looking for some emotional support of his own.

I hate to see a couple get divorced after so many years together. We who read a lot of these stories know there’s always two sides of every story. The CIci story was so interesting because we got to see a lot of both sides, because she actually gave a lot of info.
Not much here from OP and it does lead to unfair speculation...... but it’s pretty easily cleared up by a 5 minute post... none of that here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think she came here wanting some moral support and a fan base for saying he is a real jerk for dating so fast.
> 
> But yes, when she offers no details on his demands he’s made after threatening divorce in the past, and says she hasn’t had any feelings for him in 15 years, but stayed, it makes one question if he’s a total asshole (which he very well could be) or if he’s just hurt and looking for some emotional support of his own.
> 
> ...


Well, it's strange to me then, because between her posts here and her previous thread, I got a pretty clear picture of what happened...or at least enough of an idea to give her moral support and some clarity.

Some people post so they can also get clarity - not everyone wants to share such private details as in the other thread you mentioned - and I don't understand people MY age who have been posting on here for years longer than me not respecting HER way of sharing.

Assigning fault doesn't matter when she was asking if her feelings about ending her marriage were valid, that's what you are missing. Anyone had enough information to offer support to the OP for the actual issues she was posting about.
If she wanted help saving her marriage, the details of the breakdown would have had relevance...but that's NOT what she was asking for.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, it's strange to me then, because between her posts here and her previous thread, I got a pretty clear picture of what happened...or at least enough of an idea to give her moral support and some clarity.
> 
> Some people post so they can also get clarity - not everyone wants to share such private details as in the other thread you mentioned - and I don't understand people MY age who have been posting on here for years longer than me not respecting HER way of sharing.
> 
> ...


I can’t argue. You’re likely 100% correct. I didn’t read her previous post you mentioned and I’ll bet it did provide some background.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Everyone is different and some greatly care what a still-spouse does before the marriage is legally dissolved. And you don’t necessarily know beforehand which side you’ll fall on. You do the best you can to move on during an awkward time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

laura1212 said:


> i fell out of love with my husband too so i totally understand. However, there were still a lot of warm feelings on my part and i thought we would always be friends. i asked to separate and when he started dating a week later behind my back it crushed me so hard i have not been able to function for 10 weeks. i found out tonight they are sleeping in my bed in our vacation home. how is that decent behavour? is there no respect or regard or boundaries required after a 20 year marriage?


It's not decent behaviour. You are well rid of him.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, it's strange to me then, because between her posts here and *her previous thread,* I got a pretty clear picture of what happened...or at least enough of an idea to give her moral support and some clarity.



I, for one, never read or acknowledge previous threads... I don't even know how some of you recall some of those stories...But without that context, I would agree that you don't often get the whole story....

Perhaps that's the case with a lot of posters....Its not their fault, they just aren't as cued in as you or perhaps some of the others are...


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Don't worry about the dating site. There are better sites for hooking up with women. Most dating sites are iffy finding someone to have a relationship with. I found my second wife on a dating site but I went for the women who are the ones most guys were not picking. My wife is average and legally blind. He is soon to be your ex so let him go and don't worry about him.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of people here think its ok to date/have sex while either seperated or getting divorced. You can only choose the way thats right to you, his standards are clearly not the same as yours. If you are still living in the same house I think thats pretty disrespectful, I mean cant he wait a few more weeks??? As I said though, just do what you feel is right and leave him to his conscience. I agree with you.


Why not get started as soon as possible. I was living with a woman who informed me that she had met someone else and was going to move in with him in a couple of weeks but wanted me to wait for her in case it didn't work out. I immediately went on a search for a new woman. It was over so why waste time sitting around. It is not disrespectful it is getting on with life.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Everyone needs to heal from the break up of a long marriage.


I didn't. When she told me she was going to move in with her new guy I immediately started looking for a new woman to date. Why wait.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't understand why any rational adult would think it is appropriate to talk about divorce with the kids before talking with the spouse. But whatever.
> 
> I don't see her trying to Control him at all. She hasn't asked him to stop. She was simply asking if it would be normal or ok with others. She also isn't contolling his access to adult children.
> 
> ...


My first marriage, we separated and I talked to my kids, they all decided that their mother was Bi-Polar and my daughter who was living with my soon to be ex-wife told me she didn't know why I hadn't killed her years ago. The kids are usually pretty sharp about things.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

In response to OPs question: I personally think he’s rushing too quick to date, especially if the both of you were married for so long and you’re STILL living under the same roof. When the ink on the divorce papers haven’t even dried yet, the only person that this would be bad for is whomever he is dating. He’s more than likely on the rebound and doesn’t even think he is.

That said, if you are feeling some type of way about him dating, I would really look into why you feel that way if you are truly done with him. You are bothered by him moving on and it’s more than likely not out of feeling “sad for him” or “disrespect” on his part. Do you still have feelings for him that you don’t want to admit to yourself?

Another poster had mentioned how some people are done with their partners yet don’t want to see their partners moving on. If this is the case for you, then it’s pure selfishness. It is your ego running amuck. I have seen this happen many times as well. Speaking with a counselor or therapist may help with your true feelings.


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## Remain calm (Dec 20, 2021)

Goshenite said:


> My husband and I are working through a divorce now. We share a home and cannot afford to maintain two households so we are living under the same roof for now. We have one child at home who is taking a semester off from grad school. We agreed to keep things civil and were doing a bang up job of it - still taking care of all chores, meeting with realtors, contacting a mediator, and still having dinners together. However, he goes back and forth - he can be civil and nice one second and the next make snarky remarks. One of the realtors we met with actually commented as an aside to me and to my sister (she referred us to him) that he could not believe the things my husband was saying when he was there. He will be incredibly insulting then turn around and ask me to walk the dogs with him, show me funny videos, vent about something...He is all over the place...ANYWAY I found out he joined not one but two online dating sites - it didn't change how I acted toward him and I haven't let him know I am aware of this. Some of my friends/family felt he wanted me to know this, I was (and still am) not sure. HOWEVER - he has asked both my daughter and my stepson's fiancée for photos for the dating sites so he is not trying too hard to keep it a secret. They did not tell me - I found out another way. My question is - has anyone had this happen to them and is there ANYTHING rational or justifiable about this? I understand we are both moving on but we are still legally married and still living under the same roof and I find it completely disrespectful (not that I expect respect at this stage but...) and it reeks of desperation. But maybe it is a normal thing - I don't know, never divorced anyone after 25 years of marriage before....


Omg I just joined and I’m going through the same thing. I didn’t know my husband joined an online dating site. Then he went to marriage counseling a few days later never mentioned that during our session. I felt betrayed, sad and angry but it made me look at him for who he really is. We can’t make people love us or want to work things out. Someone gave me advice after a breakup - it hurts like hell like someone ripped your heart out, cry if you have to keep yourself busy and do things that make you happy it gets better just take one day at a time. I try to remember that and it’s been rough especially like you he can try to be nice and it’s confusing. For me I’m learning be civil but he’s not going to be my husband anymore and he’s no longer my friend.


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