# What is wrong with me?? Need some advice



## SAHMomof3 (May 9, 2018)

Sorry in advance for the long post.
I am 39 and married with 3 kiddos (12, 10, and 5). I have a happy marriage overall and love my life in general. My husband and I have a good relationship and he is a very good husband and father. He has always provided for us and allowed me to be a SAHM and he is a very active and involved father and helps me at home as well. He is romantic, still takes me on dates and plans vacations and even still writes me love notes after 13 years of marriage. 
The issue is that since the birth of my youngest, I have had virtually no sex drive. My husband has been very patient and understanding and not pressured me about this. We still have time together and snuggle and enjoy each others company but usually have sex once a month. I will admit that I don't even have desire for once a month usually but I do feel bad for him and can sometimes get into it once we start. I still find him attractive and love him, but I sometimes feel like I could go forever without sex and it wouldn't bother me. 
Two nights ago, my husband sat me down after the children were asleep and told me that he wants us to go to counseling. He told me he loves me but he can't live this way anymore and he doesn't want pity sex occasionally. He wants to be wanted and desired and loved. When I tried to object he pointed out the fact that on more than one occasion I have actually told him to hurry up and get on with it when he initiated sex. He also told me that I have gone weeks without even kissing him and that I haven't initiated sex in longer than he can remember. He has told me he feels unloved and even depressed because of this.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and he is right. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have a great man and I feel like a horrible selfish spouse. When I lay down at night I am tired and don't want to be intimate and have gone out of my way to avoid him initiating so many times. I am scared to go to counseling because I know I am the problem. I don't know why I feel this way. He deserves better than this and I don't know how it came to this. So ladies, any advice is appreciated.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not a lady but I would like to give you some advice.
Frankly you sound depressed to me and I really think you need counseling,probably individual instead of couples though.
You have taken the first step in recognizing that there is a problem and you also realize that it lies with you.
Don’t be afraid of counseling,it can work wonders if you get a good one.
How is your energy level,do you exercise or go to a gym?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Go to counseling together.

Start to see a sex therapist individually (then eventually together).

Kids are a huge impediment to intimacy. There's a reason for that biologically. But if greater import is the mental rewiring you need to not compartmentalize your passion and mommy mode. You can be a passionate wife to your H and a dutiful mom.

My childhood friend of 25+ years with two elementary school age kids has not had sex with her H in almost 2 years. Now she's very afraid he is getting it elsewhere. While I don't condone cheating, I do understand that meaningful, present sex is very important to most men - A clear show of love. Pity sex is not a show of love.

Get a babysitter and go dancing. Do more physical things together that remind you of heart pounding, blood pumping moments.

Don't hold out hope that he'll stay and put up with no sex long term. He didn't marry you to have sex fly out the window. He's already setting his boundaries and giving you an opportunity to choose. Now the ball is in your court.

He was in your life before your children and is still there. Don't ignore his needs if he is still working hard to meet yours.


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## SAHMomof3 (May 9, 2018)

Thanks for the feedback. I have somehow gone completely into mom mode. I constantly worry about kids schedules and lunches and homework and dentists appointments. 
He reminds me that we used to have an active sex life and I would make an effort. I just can't seem to get there recently. 
I will have to think about counseling because it intimidates me.


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## SAHMomof3 (May 9, 2018)

I have dealt with anxiety and have been on medication before. I don't think I am depressed and both my husband and I are fit and go to the gym frequently. I know I probably need to see a counselor but it scares me


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Go to therapy and look at it as time spent on refocusing on your marriage. This will be the time when no kids will be around and you guys can work on the marriage with no interruption.

I understand mummy mode. I have done that too. The kids become your world and you are so hyper focus about their needs that you forget your own. 

What I did was to never refuse him when he initiate because about a few minutes in, I will start getting into the mood. Eventually, I started wanting it again and started to initiate. 

The good thing is that your husband is being honest about his needs and telling you what he would like. This is giving you the chance to change things.

Also, make sure you get a full set of blood test done. To make sure everything is ok.

Good luck.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

First, before you see a therapist or a sex therapist or conclude that there is something wrong with you:

See your general physician and get a full panel of blood tests - counts, vitamin levels, hormone levels. Discuss the results, but then take it to a nutritionist. You are probably run down. You are giving everything to your kids and something has to give. Sex and humor are always the first thing to go. Maslow's hierarchy and all that.

You, and frankly the men who suggest you need to go to the gym, immediately see a sex therapist and "don't ignore your husband's needs", need to recognize where you are in life. You are the mother of three kids and are entering the teen years. This is hard work - hard physically and the next 10 years are going to be very hard on your ego. Very soon, most everything you do will be wrong.

You need a life outside of the children. You are, as you say, in complete mom mode. That has to change. I am sure that as a SAHM you are eternally busy. It is time to take a few hours twice a week and do something for yourself - without feeling guilty. It is an investment in yourself, your children, you husband, and the integrity of your family. Currently your are running the well dry. Book club, yoga, gym, meditation, painting...something completely about you. The laundry will wait, etc.

Next, you have to start having sex. As you said, once you get started you get into it. So, start. Sex drive is not something that appears magically at your age and situation. If you have sex, you will want sex. Even if it is not satisfying, more likely than not it will spark something and you can masturbate either later or the next day. 

Ok, got to run. Good luck. You are not nuts. Most moms go through this.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Before you feel all down on yourself, good on you for realizing a problem and trying to fix it! Especially since reading your post I can almost feel the love wafting off it! Many many spouses would dig in their heels and just not change it. So cut yourself some slack. Your life is full of family now. You want your brain and body back in the sexy loving time with your husband. And that is great!

I don't see a down side to counseling. I ask you to change the way you think about "being the problem". One it is not true all by itself. You are a normal person in a busy life where your focus has changed. Help to change your mindset could be good. But to the degree you are "the problem" that is great news! This is not life handing you an untenable situation. You have the power to change it! That is empowering and liberating.

I am a good deal older so my current scene is different. But I was where you are, though my kids were smaller and still at home. But I will share some things that helped me. Your mileage may vary. 

On the practical front, I was always tired because I felt overwhelmed by my SAHM role. Since I was not earning dough, I felt the need to be frugal. So that weighed on me. And having worked outside the home for years, the self direction left me often running behind instead of taking charge. I also had a hard time letting go of standards that were kind of high, running like a mad woman to get everything done and then bushing out like an exhausted pile of goo. I signed up for flylady (FlyLady.net) looking for long term organizational habits. I hated the motivational happy horse**** emails. Not me. But they might be fun for you. The focus is (not ... oooops IS) developing habits for the long run. I found it helpful. I also loved making a project out of it. I got a pretty notebook for my control journal...

On the sex drive front, I did a number of things. In the short term, I decided to fake it until I could make it. At about this time, I read this book:


https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-M...preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

I can honestly say I don't remember it except to know that it must have helped since I remember the title. I have no idea if what I did was suggested in this book.

The fake it until I could make it basically was NOT intended to live my life making him think that duty sex was, in fact, enthusiastic sex. The goal was to put myself out there, whether I felt like it or not, in order to find the place where I DID feel like it. It was scary and challenging. On the first occasion, I asked DH to take the kids to the in-laws for a visit and drop them off on the pretense that we were going to do some home maintenance. It was a Saturday. While he was gone, I showered and shaved and put on sexy lingere. I felt like a complete moron and fool but breathed. When he got home, I just slowly kissed him and kissed him, running my hands around on him, smiling a lot. When we got all naked I made a point of going down on him for a while, something I was so out of practice at it felt awkward. The whole thing was awkward but not wicked awkward. He felt awkward too. We talked afterward. It was nice and a step in the right direction. He was happy that I was making an effort. And we snuggled and chatted for quite some time afterward. We got exactly no home maintenance done. 

The other thing for me is that I did not FEEL sexy. I was Mom and home maker. How unsexy was that? I invested in some less marmy clothes. Not riskee but my look had definitely gotten dowdy. AND I decided to loose some weight. Again, not a frantic OMG I have to lose weight, but a measured decision to change eating habits and get some exercise. BOTH helped tremendously with the feeling of exhaustion. Again, I made a project out of it. I planned meals with an eye not just to frugality but nutrition. I also started cardio dance classes and yoga. Fun exercise frequented with a lot of women to jazz up my fun woman friend scene.

Anyway those are my first thoughts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gosh....

A new twist to an old problem.
This sounds exactly how a man would express his frustrations. You know the drill well.





TH-


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Not a lady, hope you don't mind. 

First, I applaud you for getting the message. And further, your husband is a saint for his Patience and I hope that you understand what a gift he is to you, and the fact the he is not cheating or just divorcing you. 

This problem happens to men and women, and for the life of me I don't understand it. 

Men get into their careers and neglect their wives sexually and other ways. Women become moms and start to feel like that is all they are and the world will stop if they don't do everything right. 

Yes you both should go to therapy, sex therapy and what ever else will helps this situation. Why you are afraid of this I don't know. Are you afraid that the therapist is going to say that you are neglecting your husband, because you are, so you kind of need to get over that...

My particular advice is this: For men and women in a marriage, with kids and careers... How do you guys thinks those kids got there in the first place. In most cases, they came from the love and romance that you guys had for each other. 

What is it that people don't understand that the MARRIAGE relationship, the love, the romance, and all that goes with it... is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. Sex with your spouse, for continued bonding, time alone in a romantic situation, time for each other in bed cuddling.

You see, your kids will be better of in the long run, if MOMMY AND DADDY demonstrate what a LOVING marriage, a SEXUAL MARRIAGE looks like. 

The fact is that, "oh my god I can't believe he said that"... the fact is that the MARRIAGE is the most important thing in that house, not the kids, not the dog, not status, not Jonny's guitar lesson, not homework, none of that. 

IF the marriage, sex and everything that goes with it is OK, then the kids will be too...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Let's break this down a bit and tackle one issue and I think it will help the rest. I would really like to know, as honest as you can be, why you are scared or intimidated by counseling? Look forward to hearing what you have to say and I will weigh in on my thoughts and my experiences with this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, pick up a copy of the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley. Another good option would be His Needs, Her Needs For Parents, by the same author. Both will give you some direction on what may be going on in your marriage. And will give you ways to talk about those issues meaningfully. 

Women who are in love usually are eager to meet their partner's sexual needs, and their own. My guess is that you no longer want sex because you and your husband are no longer doing the coupley things you two did when you fell in love. You love each other, but the romantic "in love" feeling has probably subsided somewhat into comfortable closeness. It's possible to bring the "in love" back, but it's going to take consciously meeting one another's most important emotional needs on a consistent basis. It's also going to take an investment in serious quality time alone together, being truly engaged with one another doing fun, date-like, things over the long haul. Quality time that I'm guessing you two maybe aren't getting nearly enough of now, and maybe haven't been for years.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Are you on hormonal birth control?

I could have written this a year ago! Things were exactly the same for me. My husband and I had a very active sex life before kids. Things went down a little after each kid and hit all time lows after our 3rd baby. 

It got to where I dreaded sex. I hated everything about it. I used to lay there and wonder how I ever used to like the things my husband was doing. I knew something was wrong with me because “normal” people enjoyed it...but I couldn’t understand why.
I hated feeling like that. Hated it! I felt like a failure as a wife. I still loved my husband and I knew he was confused and hurt (even though he had stopped complaining about it years earlier). I just didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know how to fix things. 

Here’s what happened with me... After I had our 3rd baby, I didn’t immediately go back on birth control because I was breastfeeding and I was worried about the birth control effecting my milk supply. My sex drive went up. I thought it was so strange because I expected it to get even lower having a newborn. Nope! I wanted it all the time. I felt sexy again. I felt happier and more energetic. 
When the baby was about 8 months old I decided to go back on birth control since my period had come back and I didn’t want to get pregnant again. I went on the depo shot... Within a couple of months I was back to low drive. It just got worse and worse. I was on the shot for a year and things were really bad. I was angry a lot and depressed. Sex was awful for me. I wasn’t even interested in masturbating. One day I just put 2 and 2 together and thought that I should try going off hormonal birth control. I quit doing the shot in July on last year. After a few months I started feeling better. More lighthearted and fun. Sex slowly started being more bearable. I was able to get into it after it started. Then a few months ago I suddenly started wanting it. Like actually wanting it! I started initiating sex and fantasizing about it. Suddenly things started feeling good. Better than good! Everything feels great now! I think I might have a slightly higher drive than my husband now. We have sex anywhere from 5-7 times a week now. If it was up to me that number would be even higher.

I still think you should give therapy a try. It can’t hurt and I think it’s very sweet that your husband came to you and suggested it. He must love you very much.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> Are you on hormonal birth control?
> 
> I could have written this a year ago! Things were exactly the same for me. My husband and I had a very active sex life before kids. Things went down a little after each kid and hit all time lows after our 3rd baby.
> 
> ...


I second this. Depo KILLED my sex drive. Not low. NONE or negative if that was even possible. Very effective birth control since it made me depressed, crazy and hating sex. 



> It just got worse and worse. I was on the shot for a year and things were really bad. I was angry a lot and depressed. Sex was awful for me. I wasn’t even interested in masturbating. One day I just put 2 and 2 together and thought that I should try going off hormonal birth control. I quit doing the shot in July on last year. After a few months I started feeling better. More lighthearted and fun. Sex slowly started being more bearable. I was able to get into it after it started. Then a few months ago I suddenly started wanting it. Like actually wanting it! I started initiating sex and fantasizing about it. Suddenly things started feeling good. Better than good! Everything feels great now! I think I might have a slightly higher drive than my husband now.
> 
> I still think you should give therapy a try. It can’t hurt and I think it’s very sweet that your husband came to you and suggested it. He must love you very much.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Not a woman, but OP I could have been your husband. I would suggest you see your doctor and go to counseling. If you are scared of counseling, I would think you should be more scared of losing the life that you have and which you have described in very positive terms.
I do not think there is anything wrong with you, except that you seem to have bought into the mom mentality and have forgotten that you need to come first. Your kids are old enough (not the 5 y/o) to be able to keep track of their own schedules. You need to start letting go of some of that stress before it totally ruins your marriage.
I see so many people stop living for themselves and start living vicariously thru their kids. Do not be a helicopter, let go.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SAHMomof3 said:


> I have dealt with anxiety and have been on medication before. I don't think I am depressed and both my husband and I are fit and go to the gym frequently. I know I probably need to see a counselor but it scares me


Why does the thought of a counselor scare you?

More importantly, this resaon is likely a factor in your lack of intimacy. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Why does the thought of a counselor scare you?
> 
> More importantly, this resaon is likely a factor in your lack of intimacy.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


Exactly, really want to know this. Counseling, once you get over the fear and the stigma can be a Godsend to you and your marriage.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Check out Perimenopause symptoms. I wish I had known more about it when my wife and I were in our late 30’s, early 40’s. I have became a much more loving, patient, understanding and helpful husband. All husbands need to learn what their wife or SO may be going through someday. We have chosen no counseling, no HRT, but it has not been easy. Whatever you find out, I wish you two the best.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

SAHMomof3 said:


> Sorry in advance for the long post.
> I am 39 and married with 3 kiddos (12, 10, and 5). I have a happy marriage overall and love my life in general. My husband and I have a good relationship and he is a very good husband and father. He has always provided for us and allowed me to be a SAHM and he is a very active and involved father and helps me at home as well. He is romantic, still takes me on dates and plans vacations and even still writes me love notes after 13 years of marriage.
> The issue is that since the birth of my youngest, I have had virtually no sex drive. My husband has been very patient and understanding and not pressured me about this. We still have time together and snuggle and enjoy each others company but usually have sex once a month. I will admit that I don't even have desire for once a month usually but I do feel bad for him and can sometimes get into it once we start. I still find him attractive and love him, but I sometimes feel like I could go forever without sex and it wouldn't bother me.
> Two nights ago, my husband sat me down after the children were asleep and told me that he wants us to go to counseling. He told me he loves me but he can't live this way anymore and he doesn't want pity sex occasionally. He wants to be wanted and desired and loved. When I tried to object he pointed out the fact that on more than one occasion I have actually told him to hurry up and get on with it when he initiated sex. He also told me that I have gone weeks without even kissing him and that I haven't initiated sex in longer than he can remember. He has told me he feels unloved and even depressed because of this.
> I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and he is right. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have a great man and I feel like a horrible selfish spouse. When I lay down at night I am tired and don't want to be intimate and have gone out of my way to avoid him initiating so many times. I am scared to go to counseling because I know I am the problem. I don't know why I feel this way. He deserves better than this and I don't know how it came to this. So ladies, any advice is appreciated.



OP

its really pretty simple. here goes......YOU have made everything else in life a priority and completely neglected you spouse putting him LAST.

consider your self very lucky that he has remained loyal and caring. Many in your situation would have turned to outside stimulation, affairs, whatever......its been said the grass grows greenest where you water it......and I take it further and say weeds grow where the grass is neglected.

as for "not feeling it"....well that IS what happens when your relationship is on the back burner. you have forgotten what passion feels like between you and your spouse and its been so long you don't even desire it now. its called acclimation and its amazing what humans can get accustomed to.

I suggest you simply starting acting like you did before you were married when you treated him well. and if not....be prepared when he has enough....eventually.....and walks out the door.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Can someone explain to me why OP needs to head directly to counseling?? As OP describes the situation, it is directly related to the birth of her third child. She is, self-admittedly, in full mommy mode 24/7. Gentlemen who feel she needs to see a sex therapist asap, please, think of your mother. Think of what she did in a day, how she looked, how she cooked and cleaned, etc. Tell me, do you now feel all sexed up?? No? Imagine BEING THAT PERSON. She does not go to work and come home at the end of her day and relinquish her responsibilities and come to a space of relaxation and love. Every room in her home is her office and her work is stacked in every corner and on every surface. How worked up does that make a person for sex??

IMO, dear OP, you should spend that counseling money on YOU. If nothing changes after a few months of re-learning something or having coffee with a book (make it a sexy one) or whatever you love PLUS dedicated time with you husband getting naked, then go to counseling.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

SAHMomof3 said:


> I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and he is right. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have a great man and I feel like a horrible selfish spouse. When I lay down at night I am tired and don't want to be intimate and have gone out of my way to avoid him initiating so many times. I am scared to go to counseling because I know I am the problem. I don't know why I feel this way. He deserves better than this and I don't know how it came to this. So ladies, any advice is appreciated.


By taking responsibly for your attitude and behavior and not blame shifting to your husband, you have already fought half the battle! You are doing great. I truly mean that.

Do not be afraid. I believe this can be resolved.

I recommend you attend individual counseling rather than marriage counseling, since you clearly understand that the problem is with you and not your husband.

Something to keep in mind is that despite being busy, your husband is the most important person in your life, along with your children. If he is not getting his needs met, your family is not functioning properly. I'll bet he would be happy if you gave him 30 minutes of your life twice a week to make love to him. Don't think of it as sex as much as it is making love, because he needs to know that you love him by meeting his sexual needs. Reassure him of his attractiveness to you daily. Think about him during the day and think about what you love about him, not only outside of the bedroom, but sexually as well.

Aside from the mental/emotional side of things, I recommend you get a physical and have your hormones checked.

I also recommend is that you watch your diet carefully. Diet and exercise are vital in properly balancing hormones and it is entirely possible that your hormones have gotten out of balance since the birth of your last child. The quick way to start making a difference is to cut way back on carbohydrates, especially in the form of grain, sugar, and processed foods. Add lots of vegetables to your diet and get enough protein. I read recently that a study showed the reason why many people have trouble sticking to a lower carb diet is lack of protein. Do not worry about calories and do not go on a reduced fat or reduced calorie diet. As long as you are eating lots of vegetables and enough quality protein while not eating a bunch of grain, sugar, or processed foods, you should not have to worry about calories. Eat until you are satisfied, not full, and you should be fine.

It can be very easy to get into a better routine regarding your nutrition. I eat a late breakfast with two hard boiled eggs in a little bit of mayonnaise and some raw sauerkraut. For lunch I have a green smoothie or a huge green salad and a bit more protein. For dinner I stick to natural meats, vegetables, and rice or potato. I also take a women's supplement for hormonal balance, but I'm much older than you and my hormones are changing now due to age. A good hormonal support supplement is maca root. I take it in my smoothie daily.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NickyT said:


> Can someone explain to me why OP needs to head directly to counseling?? As OP describes the situation, it is directly related to the birth of her third child. She is, self-admittedly, in full mommy mode 24/7. Gentlemen who feel she needs to see a sex therapist asap, please, think of your mother. Think of what she did in a day, how she looked, how she cooked and cleaned, etc. Tell me, do you now feel all sexed up?? No? Imagine BEING THAT PERSON. She does not go to work and come home at the end of her day and relinquish her responsibilities and come to a space of relaxation and love. Every room in her home is her office and her work is stacked in every corner and on every surface. How worked up does that make a person for sex??
> 
> IMO, dear OP, you should spend that counseling money on YOU. If nothing changes after a few months of re-learning something or having coffee with a book (make it a sexy one) or whatever you love PLUS dedicated time with you husband getting naked, then go to counseling.


I don't remember anyone saying that she did not have a reason to be tired. No one said there are not reasons to be tired. 

However, what we did tell her, as I would tell any man is this. YOUR MARRIAGE, and your sex life and everything that makes a marriage special is what your priorities should be. 

Now, she may need therapy to get her priorities straight and start thinking like a woman and not just a mom. Could be..

But to say that "oh I am a SAHM", I don't feel like having sex, no that does not work. But having said that, OP understands that there is some type of problem and she wants to fix it. 

I think understanding something is wrong is a huge step, many woman don't.

And before you jump on me as a man saying this, don't even go there...

I raised my three kids with a nightmare wife and marriage, no help from her, sole bread winner and the whole bit. And even though she was a Nightmare PITA, she never went without sex, ever. 

Although, having said that, I also have to say that it took me having a stroke to realize I had to divorce her or I would die, so there is that...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Why does the thought of a counselor scare you?
> 
> More importantly, this resaon is likely a factor in your lack of intimacy.


I think she may have answered that: She's afraid there is something wrong with her and that if she doesn't fix it her husband will leave her. It's hard to face our deficiencies and to work through them.

You will be glad you faced this head on. There isn't something wrong here that cannot be fixed. 

As an aside: I was a sahm of three children all of whom I homeschooled all the way through. Part of that time we only had one car and my husband worked swing shift.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> I don't remember anyone saying that she did not have a reason to be tired. No one said there are not reasons to be tired.
> 
> However, what we did tell her, as I would tell any man is this. YOUR MARRIAGE, and your sex life and everything that makes a marriage special is what your priorities should be.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I agree "I am a SAHM" is no excuse for no sex. Based on what OP said, she gave no indication there are other problems in the marriage. Seems like the most simple route should be tried first. Glad you escaped.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

SAHMomof3 said:


> Sorry in advance for the long post.
> I am 39 and married with 3 kiddos (12, 10, and 5). I have a happy marriage overall and love my life in general. My husband and I have a good relationship and he is a very good husband and father. He has always provided for us and allowed me to be a SAHM and he is a very active and involved father and helps me at home as well. He is romantic, still takes me on dates and plans vacations and even still writes me love notes after 13 years of marriage.
> The issue is that since the birth of my youngest, I have had virtually no sex drive. My husband has been very patient and understanding and not pressured me about this. We still have time together and snuggle and enjoy each others company but usually have sex once a month. I will admit that I don't even have desire for once a month usually but I do feel bad for him and can sometimes get into it once we start. I still find him attractive and love him, but I sometimes feel like I could go forever without sex and it wouldn't bother me.
> Two nights ago, my husband sat me down after the children were asleep and told me that he wants us to go to counseling. He told me he loves me but he can't live this way anymore and he doesn't want pity sex occasionally. He wants to be wanted and desired and loved. When I tried to object he pointed out the fact that on more than one occasion I have actually told him to hurry up and get on with it when he initiated sex. He also told me that I have gone weeks without even kissing him and that I haven't initiated sex in longer than he can remember. He has told me he feels unloved and even depressed because of this.
> I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and he is right. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have a great man and I feel like a horrible selfish spouse. When I lay down at night I am tired and don't want to be intimate and have gone out of my way to avoid him initiating so many times. I am scared to go to counseling because I know I am the problem. I don't know why I feel this way. He deserves better than this and I don't know how it came to this. So ladies, any advice is appreciated.


This can be resolved.

The most important thing is that you understand the situation, love your husband and want to work on it.

First, you are NOT broken, what you're experiencing is VERY common.

Mostly in involved your having changed from spontaneous desire (you think about sex spontaneously and then want to have it) to responsive desire (you don't think about sex but, once you start and give yourself a chance to become aroused, you enjoy it). So, if you're waiting around expecting to spontaneously want sex and feel that there's something wrong with you because you don't (and that you shouldn't have sex unless you're already aroused), that's not going to work.

Read up on responsive desire (Come as you are, Wanting Sex Again, etc).

By all means, see your doctor and ask about medical solutions (and if they don't take you seriously, go see another doctor).

One thing many busy mothers have trouble with is clearing their mind enough to focus on sex. There are different ways to address this.

Most men, and it seems like this is true for your husband, find sex to be the primary way that they feel emotionally connected to their wives. 

Your husband has done you a great favor by pointing this out rather than remaining silent and quietly building resentment which might damage the marriage beyond repair.

Feel free to suggest to him things he can do to increase your desire, but it's probably more on you than on him.

Your husband seeing you being serious about solving the problem will go a long way with your husband.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

another easy question to answer......the OP has stated she is "afraid of going to counseling".

seems simple enough.....the OP KNOWS here treatment of her husband/marriage is wrong and is going to get called out. not a pleasant position to be in. I would offer she holds an even deeper darker secret......that is she knows EXCATLY what she has been doing and LIKES IT.

OP this is an anonymous place....can you really site here and tell everyone you had no idea you were starving your husband of the needs he is asking for? 

sorry, but I am not going to sit here and fall for the hormones, busy life, kids, whatever....these are things everyone endures. I am asking if you can admit that a while ago everything else in life became more interesting, more rewarding, more meaningful than your spouse.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

By going to the doctor, my main concern is to find out if there is anything physically wrong, but I would not go the medication route to try to correct this. That could actually make it worse. This issue should not be that difficult to resolve if you can get to the root of what is causing it and do some adjustment towards resolution.

Again, do not be afraid. You can handle this and get it resolved. You have already faced the most difficult part, which is that you need to make some changes. I don't think this is going to hurt. I think you are going to feel better and less stressed once you get this taken care of.

Tell us about how you are feeling? Do you get time with your friends? Do you and your husband have alone time? Are you stressed and/or depressed? We can help you with those types of issues with suggestions on what might help.

As a sahm with kids with me most of the time, I always tried to see us as a family with individuals who each had needs. One person couldn't take care of everyone else without have her needs met. I used to tell my husband this, because he tends to put his own needs aside if he thinks someone else needs something, but he has to have the energy and health first, which comes from caring for himself. If we don't get our needs met, something is going to break and we could end up with a big problem. Do you feel like your needs are being met and if not, what is missing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAHMomof3 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I have somehow gone completely into mom mode. I constantly worry about kids schedules and lunches and homework and dentists appointments.
> He reminds me that we used to have an active sex life and I would make an effort. I just can't seem to get there recently.
> I will have to think about counseling because it intimidates me.


Are you on birth control?

You need to see your OB/GYN and have them run some tests. Your hormone levels might be off and the docs might be able to help you with at least this part of the problem.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NickyT said:


> Can someone explain to me why OP needs to head directly to counseling?? As OP describes the situation, it is directly related to the birth of her third child. She is, self-admittedly, in full mommy mode 24/7. Gentlemen who feel she needs to see a sex therapist asap, please, think of your mother. Think of what she did in a day, how she looked, how she cooked and cleaned, etc. Tell me, do you now feel all sexed up?? No? Imagine BEING THAT PERSON. She does not go to work and come home at the end of her day and relinquish her responsibilities and come to a space of relaxation and love. Every room in her home is her office and her work is stacked in every corner and on every surface. How worked up does that make a person for sex??
> 
> IMO, dear OP, you should spend that counseling money on YOU. If nothing changes after a few months of re-learning something or having coffee with a book (make it a sexy one) or whatever you love PLUS dedicated time with you husband getting naked, then go to counseling.


Because a counselor is a disinterested third party who has the gravitas of being a professional, whereas the rest of us, including yourself, are simply anonymous know nothings on an internet forum. Perhaps she will listen better when she is given the advice of a professional whom she sought out and paid good money to see.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I think the way your H approached this with you was very mature and sensible. It sounds like you have a really great guy that cares for you and has been more than patient. You need to take it seriously because he is letting you know that the current situation isn't working for him and is unsustainable long term. I'd believe him.

1st order of business is to tell your husband you heard him and you agree with him. It isn't fair to him and you don't like the way you feel about it. Tell him you are going to work on it and spell out how. Start reading the books mentioned above.

2nd order of business and to do while you are reading, order up a blood panel and get yourself checked out medically. See your doctor, tell him the problem. Look into the medications that you are taking, birth control pills etc. If the source of your low libido is hormonal, chemical or prescriptive then addressing these is going to be the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to fix your problem. Some of the ladies above have mentioned how.

3rd, I'd then just start having sex with your H every day for the next month to see if you can't kick start something. I guess you could call it the fake it til you make it. 

If this isn't a medical problem and you can't follow through on sex with him every day then you are going to have to move to it possibly being a potential emotional problem. These are generally a bit harder to solve and might take more time...and expense. Things like attraction, stress levels, etc. are all the kinds of things you might discuss in therapy with a qualified psychotherapist or psychiatrist (IC). Psychiatrists can prescribe medications for you if needed. I am not sure why you fear discussing these issues with an IC, TBH. These folks are trained to help you work through it. Do you have some demons in the past? Before your husband? Things that happened to you in your childhood or family of origin (FOO) that you are afraid to talk about? 

If it isn't just you and something that you won't be able to solve on your own, then you guys are going to have to move on to MC and maybe sex therapy. 

The absolute worst thing you could do right now is ignore the problem. And it seems pretty clear that this isn't going to just get better on its own. Good luck and keep us posted. 

I would love to hear a success story a month or two from now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I don't remember anyone saying that she did not have a reason to be tired. No one said there are not reasons to be tired.
> 
> However, what we did tell her, as I would tell any man is this. YOUR MARRIAGE, and your sex life and everything that makes a marriage special is what your priorities should be.
> 
> ...


(Sorry for a side note)

Hey I'm sure we're all glad you didn't die.

Just sayin'.
😁


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tron said:


> 3rd, I'd then just start having sex with your H every day for the next month to see if you can't kick start something. I guess you could call it the fake it til you make it.


This is actually a thing. I think it is called the 24 day challenge. The theory is that having sex whether you want to or not, for 24 days in a row, kick starts the libido. 

I have heard that people have had success with this. 

But I agree that the medical check up and all that needs to happen as well...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You've actually done the hard part, honestly accepting there's a problem. Bluespower above has great advice.

You're H has done pretty good too, communicating the issue to you. 
Yours is a topic as old as time. Others have certainly had success in righting the ship. Not all, but those that put in the work and desired a happy outcome ie long happy marriage. 

You can do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BluesPower said:


> This is actually a thing. I think it is called the 24 day challenge. The theory is that having sex whether you want to or not, for 24 days in a row, kick starts the libido.
> 
> I have heard that people have had success with this.
> 
> But I agree that the medical check up and all that needs to happen as well...


This is something that sex therapists suggest and it works in certain types of situations.

Biologically, one of the main reasons for sex in a marriage (or male/female human relationship) is to bond the couple. When a couple has sex, their brains make and uptake large amounts of dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good hormones. The more sex the couple has the more they are bonded together.

Oxytocin is a bonding hormone. When women give birth, they their brains are flooded with oxytocin. The purpose of this is to bond the mother to her new born baby. It's the same hormone that works during sex to get the couple to bond emotionally.

When a person's oxytocin levels are too low, they lose interest in sex with their partner. It will even make them not want to be touched, kissed, etc. 

The way to fix this is to have a lot of good sex. A 24 day challenge makes a lot of sense.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I would like to make a kind suggestion that we pause and let the OP, a new user, have time to digest all the existing posts so she can reply without feeling overwhelmed.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

x598 said:


> another easy question to answer......the OP has stated she is "afraid of going to counseling".
> 
> seems simple enough.....the OP KNOWS here treatment of her husband/marriage is wrong and is going to get called out. not a pleasant position to be in. I would offer she holds an even deeper darker secret......that is she knows EXCATLY what she has been doing and LIKES IT.
> 
> ...


You're being too hard on the OP and the women in this position.

As hard to believe as you may find it......

MANY, MANY women do not seem to realize that their husband's desire for sex is not just a need to 'get off' but a deeply felt need to be emotionally attached to their wives.

This is not surprising. Have you EVER heard this in the mass media? Oprah? I think not.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> You're being too hard on the OP and the women in this position.
> 
> As hard to believe as you may find it......
> 
> ...


too hard on the OP? maybe, but I suppose that is for her to decide.

Of course, who hasn't heard of what you are saying. no different than the saying men need sex to feel loved and desired.......ist the OP who admits to have changed so she cant have the out of saying she never knew...

as for being harsh, I don't intentionally mean to be. however, that doesn't make my message wrong or inaccurate. and if it helps the OP solve her marital problems then thats even better.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't know if you are religious or not but https://forgivenwife.com/ site has a lot of good posts about the common stuff that women go through and some ways to solve it. If you are not religious you can just ignore that part.

Also truthfully are you still attracted to your husband? Is there things he can do to help you be? How was your sex life?


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