# The Blame Game



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

So..
You had an affair or ONS and you say it's your spouse's fault because they;

1. Didn't pay enough attention to you

2. Worked too much

3. Was never home even when they were home

4. Doesn't understand you

5. Wouldn't listen to you when you told them you felt neglected or taken for granted.

6. Wasn't intimate enough with you

7. Treated you like a roommate instead of a spouse

8. Nagged you all the time

Or they did none of those things and you cheated anyway.

Your BS is not to blame for you having an affair or ONS.
If your spouse did not tell you to go out and find someone to cheat with, the blame lies solely on you.

Most of the time the cheater will say " I did this because You did this or didn't do that" 

This is because of guilt and shame from the onset of confrontation.
They know fully well that what they did was wrong, if they didn't know it was wrong..they would not have spent so much energy trying to hide it.
The level of their betrayal can be so deep that they are even disgusted and ashamed of themselves.
That disgust is then projected upon the betrayed to lessen their feeling of disgust and guilt.

The anger is mostly at themselves for doing something so deplorable that they can't even believe they did it.
To save face they grab a hold of anger (fight or flight) and try to put the betrayed on the defense.

"If you would have ________ this would not have happened"

Then they go on a tirade of all you did wrong from day one of the relationship.
Again this is to put the fault on the betrayed.

It is never the fault of the betrayed.
The reason it's called cheating is because you are _dishonestly _receiving emotional and/or physical support from someone other than your companion.
You are _cheating_ your companion of the right to be that support for you, while you are also giving that support to someone else.

It takes a big person to say..yes I cheated and it was all my fault.
Our relationship was having problems and I handled it the wrong way.

It takes maturity, responsibility and integrity not to play the blame game.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

♥♥♥ i love this ♥♥♥


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I've always been a strong supporter of this. Any problems that come up in the marriage is usually 50/50. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. There are other ways to deal with a problem than to drag someone else into the marriage.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Amen to that!!:iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

I used some of those excuses in the beginning. And I had tried to change things in the marriage and used the excuse that they didn't change and so I cheated. I should have worked harder on changing/improving the marriage, or if it was really that bad, looked at divorcing her. Had I gone the divorce route, the changes that we've both made in R could have been possible without the pain I caused by cheating.

The cheating was 100% my fault.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

No one is perfect but if you treat your spouse like sh!t, you can't exactly expect them to remain faithful. I know that people say the affair is 100% the WS's fault, in logic that's true, but you can't look at these things in isolation and discount all the extenuating circumstances. 

For example, if the BS regularly beats or verbally abuses his spouse, doesn't accommodate to his/her needs and unreasonable about sexual intimacy. In the aftermath of this, do you think all the WS thinks about is the virtues of fidelity? I'm not condoning cheating but I'm not going to shed crocodile tears if they ran off with another person. No one enters a relationship to endure this. 

The WS ideally should've tried all possible to solutions to fix the marriage or filed for divorce. But at the same time, that assumes the WS didn't stress all possible avenues and in a sense, takes the blame from the BS for being such a sh!tty spouse. 

If however you made a concious effort to be a good spouse, accommodated to their needs, then yes, the affair is 100% the WS's fault. If the WS didn't communicate their problems, was unappeasable and just cheats because they're selfish, again the affair is 100% their fault. That's why I have a lot of respect for the BSs who've been married to narcissists and still remained faithful. 

I know this isn't a popular opinion to take but I've expressed it before and still believe it. If I treated my wife like crap, after years of her trying to fix things between us, I'm not really being honest when I say the affair is 100% her fault.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

> I know this isn't a popular opinion to take but I've expressed before and still believe it. If I treated my wife like crap, after years of her trying to fix things between us, I'm not really being honest when I say the affair is 100% her fault.


Treating your wife like crap is 100% your fault. If she decided to cheat because of that..it makes her no better than you by cheating and is on her.

Her options could be sink to your level and treat you like crap by cheating..or have integrity and get out of the situation.

Old cliche' 2 wrongs won't make a right.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ From what I've seen two wrongs just reproduce and make more wrongs.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

you forgot 9.physicaly pushes me around

I've owned my crap and Mrs. the-guy owns her crap. Its hard to blame some one else when alls you have is your self to blame..........I just made that up


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

> Its hard to blame some one else when alls you have is your self to blame


.

That has some profoundness in it somewhere :smthumbup:


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

SoulStorm said:


> Treating your wife like crap is 100% your fault. If she decided to cheat because of that..it makes her no better than you by cheating and is on her.
> 
> Her options could be sink to your level and treat you like crap by cheating..or have integrity and get out of the situation.
> 
> Old cliche' 2 wrongs won't make a right.


I don't believe in this black and white rational, life isn't that simple. Suppose I had a friend and gradually I started to make made snide remarks and constantly put them down so they decided to say something more hurtful. It would be ridiculous if I said that insult was 100% their fault...... Actions have reactions and consequences. No one is condoning infidelity, but at same time, you can't automatically absolve yourself of all your previous actions because of this one act. Where did this high horse come from all of a sudden

Simply filing for divorce isn't so cut&dry. There are several things to consider.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

I will agree that there are gray areas and not all black and white..but it all comes down to making a choice.

That friend has the choice to respond to your snide comment or leave it alone. If they respond it's because they chose to..not because you made them.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Complexity said:


> No one is perfect but if you treat your spouse like sh!t, you can't exactly expect them to remain faithful. I know that people say the affair is 100% the WS's fault, in logic that's true, but you can't look at these things in isolation and discount all the extenuating circumstances.


Ummm... yes you can. If you can’t tolerate how I treat you in the marriage, you should leave (divorce). If you can’t divorce for whatever reason, that is your own personal integrity & self-esteem issue, not your spouse’s problem or a marriage issue. No one can force you to stay; That too is your choice alone to make. 

Also... well, depending on how much your spouse really knows you. They may feel something is really off when you are cheating. That may be exactly why they are treating you that way. My wayward was a self-righteous nasty woman who nagged constantly and was quick to lay blame like the OP’s post. This is prior to DD. Do you really think I was a model husband being treated like that? No way... I was angry, avoided her like the plague, and did everything else you could rationally expect from any human you treated like garbage. So what comes first: The affairs or the marriage problems? Revisionist history changes the story.... What a mess adultery leaves in its wake.

Add to this: Can I make you like someone or even influence it? Nope. I can try all I want. That is something that comes from within. You like someone or you don’t. You are attracted to them or you aren’t. What you do with those feelings and how you act on them is your own choice.


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