# Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

After years of dealing with my husband's mental illness (including my own responses to this which have been invalidating and that I've tried to change over the past few months), our sex life has suffered. Mostly because of my own resentments. I have had to "take over" most of the household tasks plus have to deal with his lashing out in anger due to the illness. I did go to counseling when I realized my resentments were killing my feelings for my husband, and have worked through much of it. I am learning something called "radical acceptance" about his illness and reevaluated my feelings about his illness and I am ready to work on getting closer to my husband physically. I miss it. We are well matched sexually, and until my resentments took over our sex life was pretty good. 

So this week we've both been off work and I have been really making an effort to be pleasant (instead of resentful) and even asked him for a hug yesterday which he did. For the last 2 nights I've wanted to initiate sex, but I am having trouble. Not sure why as things have been ok between us for the past few days (which is good...for us). 

Not sure what advice I'm asking for here, because I'm sure I'll just be told to jump his bones, and as much as I would like to do that, I'm still scared. Not sure of what, but there it is. Tonight he has a poker night planned at his friend's house and I'm thinking of sending him some texts indicating I will be open to having sex tonight. Hoping that will go over well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Michelle27 said:


> After years of dealing with my husband's mental illness (including my own responses to this which have been invalidating and that I've tried to change over the past few months), our sex life has suffered. Mostly because of my own resentments. I have had to "take over" most of the household tasks plus have to deal with his lashing out in anger due to the illness. I did go to counseling when I realized my resentments were killing my feelings for my husband, and have worked through much of it. I am learning something called "radical acceptance" about his illness and reevaluated my feelings about his illness and I am ready to work on getting closer to my husband physically. I miss it. We are well matched sexually, and until my resentments took over our sex life was pretty good.
> 
> So this week we've both been off work and I have been really making an effort to be pleasant (instead of resentful) and even asked him for a hug yesterday which he did. For the last 2 nights I've wanted to initiate sex, but I am having trouble. Not sure why as things have been ok between us for the past few days (which is good...for us).
> 
> Not sure what advice I'm asking for here, because I'm sure I'll just be told to jump his bones, and as much as I would like to do that, I'm still scared. Not sure of what, but there it is. Tonight he has a poker night planned at his friend's house and I'm thinking of sending him some texts indicating I will be open to having sex tonight. Hoping that will go over well.


You know - guys also respond to kissing, and backrubs and other non-sexual forms of physical affection.

Texting is good - just don't over-do it. It shouldn't take much to get his attention - and it could get a little annoying if the "boys" notice he's constantly checking his phone.

Good luck - and just have fun!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Yes, and that's just it. Because of the resentments I've had for so long, pretty much all non sexual contact had dropped off of late as well. We have had sex twice in the last few months, which is probably because of my resentments (usual frequency is a couple times a week). I know that he is also harboring resentments too, which is probably not helping. I am hoping that because I know being physical is important to him that I can open the door by initiating sex as it seems that he's holding back from initiating himself.


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

This _may_ be one of those rare times where I can honestly say SEX may be the wrong focus for you and especially for him. Not often one can say that sex probably will not be a good quick fix for a given situation - this looks like that situation.

Remember, do not judge what he is or is not doing as right or wrong. In fact, don't judge yourself either. Nothing ever works right when one person is right and the other is wrong in one person's mind.

Maybe consider just focusing on non-sexual touching and together time. Pretend it's your first date... dress sexy, smell good and maybe go out and do something you both like. Maybe a movie or bowling or something. Something where you can reconnect good feelings for each other?

Sex is a great thing and it is needed, but not to "make up the lost time" or to "reconnect". Sex is best when it flows from your comfort and happiness.

Just a thought.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wild1 said:


> This _may_ be one of those rare times where I can honestly say SEX may be the wrong focus for you and especially for him. Not often one can say that sex probably will not be a good quick fix for a given situation - this looks like that situation.
> 
> Remember, do not judge what he is or is not doing as right or wrong. In fact, don't judge yourself either. Nothing ever works right when one person is right and the other is wrong in one person's mind.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Good advice. I still think kissing is very underrated.


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I still think kissing is very underrated.



:iagree: as well. Our society has downplayed kissing for far too long. 

Why else would there be a need for this web site: How To Kiss | Kissing Advice For For Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced

:smthumbup:


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

And that opens up another can of worms...kissing. I used to love kissing with my husband. But as part of his illness (I have to assume) simple things like brushing his teeth before bed isn't happening. I've brought it up before, but he hasn't made any real efforts. This makes me not want to kiss him like we used to. Ugh.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Well - that puts you back to hugging, back rubs, hand holding and other physical displays of affection that don't have to be sexual.

Just kind of wondering - is his illness treatable? Is he expected to improve? Or is it something where you'll always have the concerns about him not brushing his teeth and being able to do more around the house?

I'm dealing with something similar. My wife has fibro and chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm doing more than my share of work at home and with the kids and I'm also dealing with some resentment. So I understand it isn't easy.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband has a diagnosis of depression, but I am 99% convinced it's more than that. I've read a ton on what I'm sure it is, and he is a "textbook" case, so I've been working on things from what I can do from my end, which is helping. There have been mistakes on both sides, and a ton of resentment on both sides and even though I think we're making progress, we're also growing apart. I am missing the closeness of sex and want to get it back while we work on everything else. We're working with a couple's counselor and he is in counseling for his own issues (I finished a series of 6 sessions with a counselor on my own recently too about my own resentments) so trying, but we have a ways to go. In the meantime, I want to get at least something of a sex life going again for both of us.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Things will only get worse if you don't kick him in the ass about his oral hygeine. Soon enough you will be dealing with toothaches and emergency visits.(Remember there is little discomfort until it's gotten really bad.) Gum disease also increses the chances of heart disease and stroke if left unchecked, so get him to a dentist and redo your whole "teeth-brushing area" with new brushes, toothpastes and mouthwashes. Brush yours in front of him and hand him a toothbrush, twice everyday until you see him doing it on his own.

Radical acceptance is a positive thing, are you considering any forms of meditation?

I'm really curious as to what you think is going on other than his depression but as far as the sex goes, however you decide to do that is going to be fine. Jumping his bones, him finding you naked in bed, being sultry throughout the evening etc etc. Anything is fine as long as the goal is accomplished, you have enough on your plate without dealing with that specific frustration as well.

Communication is good too, like: "You used to have the biggest hardest _ _ _ _ where has that bad boy been hiding lately?" . 

I mean as long as we're not letting things bother us as much, we might as well go all out and get this done, right?


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Woot! 2 month draught is over, finally.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Michelle27 said:


> Woot! 2 month draught is over, finally.


:toast:



Way to go girl!


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## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

This was a good thread to read, as my husband has chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and clinically diagnosed "severe depression". Because of his constant pain, our sex life is almost nonexistent.
Michelle27, when I read your original post, I wanted to say so badly that you had put up a wall to protect yourself and your feelings, and you had to somehow break through that to be able to become intimate with your husband. That's what I'm going through now. Trying to tear down that protective wall, so that I can be supportive of my husband, instead of keeping away from him.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

mama4jesus, that's EXACTLY it!! That wall! My own resentments combined with that protective wall have made things harder, for sure. The resentments are what sent me to a counselor on my own for 6 sessions because I was starting to think about treating him as bad as he was treating me and I hated that feeling. I worked through enough of that in counseling on my own that the counselor pronounced me no longer in need of counseling, but it's certainly not gone. My husband goes back and forth wanting me to just drop the wall and understanding that it's there because of his own actions (and seeing it as his "punishment" for his own behavior). But he thinks a day of behaving appropriately is enough for me to take down the wall for good. I told him that it takes down a layer, but when he behaves inappropriately again, it's right back up again. Ugh! But...at least we've broken that drought which is helpful. I am finding myself taking down the wall more than before and was able to cuddle with him and allow him to see some of the feelings I've been hiding due to his inability to react appropriately. Such a vicious circle!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

While our situations are slightly different, I have also been dealing with a husband with a severe brain injury, PTSD, etc. Our once great sex life also went to hell in a hand basket.

This, I've recently discovered is due to resentments he has towards me and he built up walls towards me and we both pulled away from each other.

Just take it easy and try not to jump in with both feet all at once. I tried that and my husband said he just felt pressured and that made him pull away more.

So take it easy...baby steps...follow all the good advice about non-sexual affection that doesn't lead to sex so he doesn't feel pressured and take it from there.

I KNOW what you're going through and I handled it like a bull in a china closet at first, but I've scaled way back and am just taking things slow.

You've made the first step by re-establishing contact, just keep it slow and steady - don't expect major changes quickly - they may take a while.

Good luck!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

MWIL, I have been following your story since I signed up here. Haven't had any great words of wisdom so I haven't said anything, but you are definitely strong. 

I am definitely not coming on strong or anything, so nothing to worry about there. LOL Hubby is questioning even the little things (asked for a hug the other day, cuddled in bed and the middle of the night romp we had LOL) so I know much more would be too much for him. LOL


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