# Pissed off BS



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

You guys, here it is... Another post from a WS... My BH is so pissed tonight. Drinking is involved, not sure how much, I've been at a mutual friend's house most of the evening. Just a few things when putting the kidlets to bed led me to feel hate from him. I don't want to overreact, so I'm coming here. I don't want to give up, so I'm coming here. I want to be patient and kind, so I'm coming here. But, I'm feeling defensive, like I want to escape. Oh man, y'all. I think this man is done with me. 
Talked with therapist today. She suggested tools for coping with anxiety, but that's not what I feel right now. I feel despair. I feel small. 
Sorry I'm here, yet again with piddly sh!t. I guess IC is going slower than what I require.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Pardon me for asking this, but does he have a drinking problem?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

We both like to drink. He's got more of an addictive personality that I have, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I want to know what he's been hiding from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Has something been a 'trigger' for him today?

Maybe just give him space.... with the option of talk if he wants/needs to. 

If he doesn't want to talk about how he's feeling... tell him you love him and sleep on it.
Hope things are better for both of you tomorrow.

PS: why does he have a password on his phone? Security for ???


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> We both like to drink. He's got more of an addictive personality that I have, though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read your threads and the common ingredient to all your troubles seems to be booze. You met OM over booze at your party planning parties. I'm very fond of Guinness and Pinot Noir, but I don't let them run my life. Why don't you guys dry out for a while?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I've read your threads and the common ingredient to all your troubles seems to be booze. You met OM over booze at your party planning parties. I'm very fond of Guinness and Pinot Noir, but I don't let them run my life. Why don't you guys dry out for a while?


:iagree:

This is true for anything and everything in life. Temptation and desire should be under your command and it shouldn't be the other way around. People ruin their lives that way


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm hoping that this this anger, having happened twice in one week, is a sign of him no longer being indifferent to me, that he's considering R and it pisses him off. 
I'm going to try to pay closer attention to what triggers him. He's not the type to say out loud. 
Booze... Has definitely contributed to inappropriate behavior on both our parts. I'm working on coppng with my anxiety without it. He's aware that it's a problem for him, but is not ready ro quit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

He's got a pass code for privacy. Talked about it in IC today. It's definitely a trigger for me, but I don't deserve to know what's going on in his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> He's got a pass code for privacy. Talked about it in IC today. *It's definitely a trigger for me, but I don't deserve to know what's going on in his life.*


*

How long ago did he find out about your affair?

If the two of you really start to work on recovery, he is going to have to be as transparent as you will have to be. It goes both ways.*


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Last September 15th. He's not in recovery mode. He's in limbo, leaning toward D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> Last September 15th. He's not in recovery mode. He's in limbo, leaning toward D.


That's a long time to be in limbo.

I take it he has not filed for divorce. 

Did he display anger like this before he found out about your affair?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

He hasn't filed. He's been on a new career path that for the last year has not been fruitful. We are flat broke. 
No doubt his inability to take action if he were to choose is contributing to his anger/resentment. 
My H has had a few angry outbursts in the past. He is a pessimistic introvert which causes him to bottle up his feelings. I know he's been angry with me, but either he was subtle about it or I was too oblivious/self-centered to realize and understand the depths of any serious issue he's had with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He shouldn't be hiding anything from you.
If you are in true R there should be complete transparency from both of you.
I am a BS. My WS often feels very defensive and thinks I'm angry with him when I'm not. 
Communication is the key honey. Stick with it.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> He's got a pass code for privacy. Talked about it in IC today. It's definitely a trigger for me, but I don't deserve to know what's going on in his life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Um! Yes you do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

We aren't and have never been in R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then I gotta say he does have a right to privacy. The marriage contract got voided by the cheating, and you aren't in R. You are as you say in limbo, but limbo does give him reason for privacy. It desnt give him a go ahead to cheat mind you, but it does mean he isn't in a relationship he is trying to continue either.

Are you separated ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

You've got it, Shaggy. 
We're not separated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If you're not in R, why are you in counseling together?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm sorry, I thought IC stood for individual counseling. I go to a therapist by myself 2-5 times a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> I'm sorry, I thought IC stood for individual counseling. I go to a therapist by myself 2-5 times a month.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm so sorry,, I misread that earlier....


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sayjellybeens, you sound very remorseful. Good for you. You may need to consider a different approach. I know you want R, but your BS doesn't seem to want it. At least not this way.

I think I've suggested before that maybe you need to consider a separation, at least for a while. Give yourself and him some room to think. He might realize after some time that you're worth it. Maybe not. We all have to get to a point where we are happy, one way or the other.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I suspect your husband is in the "I love you, but not in love with you" mood. I suppose resentment does that, it certainly did for me.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Vegemite & Complexity:

You're both correct. This is not working. I don't even think separation would work. He is checked out. I don't even know how to do a separation anyway. 
Plus, I screwed up royally tonight. He alluded to me not making decisions based on what I think would make him happy and I lost all composure. He keeps having to explain to me how and why he's not even considering R, and I keep not listening. I am a miserable wreck, and I'm making him miserable. 
My pain and desparation is unbearable. I can not think logically for 24 hours straight.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sayjellybeans, why don't you take it one day at a time. The both of you are in no rush to divorce and he isn't going to be out of your life anytime soon. Just be patient.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> sayjellybeans, why don't you take it one day at a time. The both of you are in no rush to divorce and he isn't going to be out of your life anytime soon. Just be patient.


I think he'd like to rush. You're advice to take one day at a time and to be patient is wonderful, I just wish I could do that. How do I do that? 
#1. No over drinking, I've had a few of these moments while under the influnce.
#2. ??
#3. ??
#4. ?? etc...
Please advise. Soon and often.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> My pain and desparation is unbearable. I can not think logically for 24 hours straight.


Do you not get help from your therapist on how to deal with this,and if not how come? Btw,if you don't mind saying,just exactly how much and how often do you drink?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

TBT said:


> Do you not get help from your therapist on how to deal with this,and if not how come? Btw,if you don't mind saying,just exactly how much and how often do you drink?


Actually, my therapist just quit unexpectedly, right at the beginning of the worsening of my situation. Here's a thread about it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/experiences-counseling/49787-therapist-quit-im-crisis.html#post881442. 
I've seen the new one twice now, and it's been some back story and a little bit of dealing with my anxiety. 
I drink about three times a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

When I drink, it's 2-4 beverages, definitely to tipsy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> Actually, my therapist just quit unexpectedly, right at the beginning of the worsening of my situation. Here's a thread about it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/experiences-counseling/49787-therapist-quit-im-crisis.html#post881442.
> I've seen the new one twice now, and it's been some back story and a little bit of dealing with my anxiety.
> I drink about three times a week.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do know that drinking just exacerbates your anxiety don't you? And if you've been drinking 3 times a week to the point of being tipsy for a long period of time then it can affect your logical thinking,especially if you're under more duress than normal.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I wouldn't think drinking exacerbates anxiety, I know it exacerbates my sadness and feelings of despair, which I then can not keep under wraps. No more drinking like that, I'm on board. 
But the rest?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Alcohol is a depressant, it's the last thing you need at this point of your life.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm realizing that there's a pattern. Drinking never before affected me this way. 
And as usual, I'm a dollar short and a day late on proper conduct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just a final thought on alcohol-it directly affects the brain because it crosses the blood-brain barrier.Interesting reading.

Your husband's anger at least shows that he hasn't disengaged from your marriage entirely.Have you been consistent in your remorse or do you get defensive of his anger? What exactly have you been doing,other than IC,to show that you really want R? Sorry for all the questions,but I don't get a real sense of how you and your H interact prior to and after your EA.Maybe it's best that I just read your other threads.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

My threads aren't too terribly long. LMK if you don't feel like it or have more questions. 
I've been up all night worrying. What a waste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm not sure if I can offer any insight but I'll try.

I'm a betrayed spouse in limbo right now for reasons beyond my control.

It does mean that I've withdrawn more or less entirely from the relationship but I do still crave attention of sorts from my WW.

Whatever is going on, if she would just say "would you like to talk about it" to me it would help. I get angry too and I also use drink to try to control my frustration.

One thing we have both noticed is that different drinks have a markedly different affect on my mood. My WW also used to drink quite a bit and it got much worse whilst she was having her PA and she would become very nasty to me. This has now stopped, but I haven't forgotten either.

Although I have known about the different drinks affecting my mood already I hadn't appreciated just how much:

Red wine definitely mellows me out. It helps me relax. The second I touch beer, however, the anger seems to surface. Whiskey and tequila are a big no no too. I never get violent, but anger is an issue.

You might not be in a position to discuss this with your BS and I know if my WW even mentions it I generally tell her to sod off but it has made me modify and reduce my drinking to the extent that beer is off the menu for me despite me loving it. It took a lot of "mentioning" by my WW for this to get through and I can give as good as I get, so she had to perservere.

It's a difficult (maybe impossible) tight-rope you are walking. If you suggest that you talk about it, he might well resent that you are bringing it up. If you say nothing, he is probably thinking you are rug sweeping.

Tell him you're there for him. Go overboard with meaningful apologies ("I know I wasn't there before, but I want you to talk to me even if you are angry").

If I think of anything useful I'll post back. For what it's worth, I admire you for posting on here where it can be an unfriendly environment for spouses that have cheated.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> I think he'd like to rush. You're advice to take one day at a time and to be patient is wonderful, I just wish I could do that. How do I do that?
> #1. No over drinking, I've had a few of these moments while under the influnce.
> #2. ??
> #3. ??
> ...


I think the 180 is in order sayjellybeans. Even though it's intended for BSs and NOT to win your spouse back, I think it fits your situation perfectly, not all of it, but a lot of the guidelines are relevant. Definitely stop drinking, it makes you emotional and irrational. 

Infidelity General Discussions at DailyStrength: The 180


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

From what I'm reading, the alcohol is certainly a factor in all of this mess.

Drinking like that is just running from the problem. Escaping.
Stop trying to escape! Deal with your issues sober.

When you drink to hide or ignore "real life" or your feelings...
it's a problem!!!

From the sound of it, your H is more interested in spending
his time making you feel miserable for your mistakes of 
the past as opposed to putting his energy into R with you.

If this is the case, it's up to YOU to decide how long you'll
allow him to make you suffer, as he seems to be floating in
a drunken limbo and daring you to do something about the problem.

What is he doing about it?

Drinking.

This has to change or you'll be posting the same thing in 3 months.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> That's a long time to be in limbo.
> 
> I take it he has not filed for divorce.


I've been in limbo almost as long.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The cool thing about limbo is that you can end it at anytime you want.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I suspect your husband is in the "I love you, but not in love with you" mood. I suppose resentment does that, it certainly did for me.


Yep, I'm that, too.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The cool thing about limbo is that you can end it at anytime you want.


HOW?!? I feel stuck in limbo.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

By saying "I am done with this. You are either in this with me or you're not."


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> By saying "I am done with this. You are either in this with me or you're not."


At nine months out I'm still having days where half of it is spent thinking I want a divorce, the other half is thinking I don't. :scratchhead:


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

*Re: Pissed off BS UPDATE*



Complexity said:


> I think the 180 is in order sayjellybeans. Even though it's intended for BSs and NOT to win your spouse back, I think it fits your situation perfectly, not all of it, but a lot of the guidelines are relevant. Definitely stop drinking, it makes you emotional and irrational.
> 
> Infidelity General Discussions at DailyStrength: The 180


Ah, the 180. I've skimmed it in the past, and knew that I couldn't employ these tips while showing remorse. 

HOWEVER, I have an update that has changed my mind. 
After a night of not sleeping at all, I was waiting for my H to awaken. I wanted to apologize for trying to force conversation and being irrational last night. A little cuddling from me led to sex. We then had a very honest convo about our situation. 

We're in agreement about less, if not zero, alcohol consumption. 

He told me does still love me (and not like a sister.) And that he would have been happy with me for life if not for my betrayal. OUCH

He talked about how 90% he pictures us divorced, and 10% he pictures us together while he goes underground to get his needs met. 
A tangent about his needs: my AP was not more physically attractive nor more affluent than my H, so my H's ego was crushed. He wants validation from women now. I'm not really sure how y'all are going to perceive this, but why not have full disclosure?

So, I chose to spend a few minutes exploring the Don Draper path out loud (have to rule out every option.) Even though I'm still willing to do anything to make up for and fix my betrayal (except filing for D myself), ultimately I need to exhibit and actually have more self-respect and this path would be counterproductive. Anyway, I don't think his conscience would allow for it. 

For those who were with me on my deleted snooping thread, I told him I snooped his phone. He didn't think that he was inappropriate. I didn't pursue it. 

We said a few other things, but I gave you the relevant points.
This conversation was good for me because it _stripped away my last bit of hope for R_. For now, I feel more at peace about the future. Still pretty sad, but not as anxious nor desperate (I hope it lasts!!)

Back to the 180-- while thoroughly reading the suggestions, I started to cry because this is exactly what I need to do to be ready for when I'm served papers. Like I said, I knew I couldn't do it before while showing love and remorse, but part of me wanted to so that I could be more detached like my H, who seemed to be less miserable than I.

So, I've said all that to say, *we are no longer in limbo*. We will be divorcing. Who knows when.

*Thanks to all *who have shared stories, perspective, and encouragement. As big of an emotional mess that I am, I'd be more so without this place.
(I'm sure I'll be back before too long)


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sorry to be dim about this - what is the "Don Draper" option?

Thanks for updating us by the way. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like it's working out as you wanted.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'm so sorry sayjellybeans, whatever happens in the future, take this as a valuable though tragic life lesson. I hope you come out stronger from this and I'll pray things might change with him and you could remain together.

Keep us updated. Goodluck


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

One bad decision, thats all it takes . I'm sorry SJB, you're trying your hardest but it takes two to fix this. I believe you should start with the 180 right away. Whatever the outcome, you will be alright.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So sorry to hear that. If we all had crystal balls we would know what the other is thinking...BS and WS alike. I wish I had one for mine as it feels we are heading the same way. Me as a BS that has needs that he won't meet. He feels he's done enough to meet them, and he has in every way except the one I have told him I need all along. Sorry...hijacking...feeling wistful and if only....


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Remains said:


> So sorry to hear that. If we all had crystal balls we would know what the other is thinking...BS and WS alike. I wish I had one for mine as it feels we are heading the same way. Me as a BS that has needs that he won't meet. He feels he's done enough to meet them, and he has in every way except the one I have told him I need all along. Sorry...hijacking...feeling wistful and if only....


I feel the same Remains. I'd like more details on your situation. Do you have a thread or can you start one?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Sorry to be dim about this - what is the "Don Draper" option?
> 
> Thanks for updating us by the way. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like it's working out as you wanted.


He's the main character from Mad Men, a tv series set in the '60's. He's got his sweet, SAHM wifey at home while still screwing other women to fill some void in his soul. 

Thank you all for your condolences. I can't tell you what it means to have your support, being a cheater (former, to be sure) and all. 

I've already been tested on the 180. I just had lunch with a friend... Good time. I cried the whole way home, hoping H wasn't home from work yet. He was though. Had to straighten up. Been upbeat since I walked in the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You can start a thread just to vent your thoughts from day to day, it might help you keep away from the drink.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SJB, driink might be a good friend, but it makes a bad master.

When my wife had her affair, I thought drink was my friend. As it helped me slip, inexorably, toward what was, in reality, my revenge affair, I realise that drink was not my friend. But it made a bad master.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You can start a thread just to vent your thoughts from day to day, it might help you keep away from the drink.


Excellent idea, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Posted in private section. Would like support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I feel the same Remains. I'd like more details on your situation. Do you have a thread or can you start one?


 I can post a thread, and try and find the links to my story. Busy til Thurs, will try and do Thurs eve


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Standing in Quicksand, if u look on my profile under 'statistics' it shows all the threads started. The ones that give my story are 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...t-do-advice-thoughts-needed.html?nojs=1#links
I warn u though, it is a hugely long post. So much confusion and my head was in a mess. I posted it again in a shorter easier version, less issues with time passed, that is at:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41987-my-man-still-hiding-stuff-please-confirm.html


The best thread I have which is useful to anyone feeling messed up and the spouse is not doing the correct things to help recover, if the BS feels they will explode with hurt that has no outlet due to the spouse not allowing that...read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...heavy-lifting-recover-bs-please-describe.html

I have just reread the thread. It is very interesting...still very pertinant, especially as I am now distancing myself in preparation of our coming split. He said something a couple of weeks ago that made me realise I would never get the open chat I need and crave. The addressing of issues, triggers. Talking. I have needed his help the last 2 weeks, so when I am on top of my work then he will get the 'I am done' speech.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Y'all can PM too, if you have more off-topic stuff you'd like to discuss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sorry about that sayjellybeans.

The final paragraph in my post was meant as general advice, and useful it is too, not just a reply to Quicksand.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Oh, didn't even see that. Sorry. 
What did he say to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Bets to wait till he calms down and until you calm down and then you guys should talk. You do have to understand that this will take a very long time to get used and even then it will always be a scar on the relationship. Alcohol shouldn't be involved yall need to quit drinking i don't think neither of you need that in your life. Also he may simply not be able to handle what happened and may be going through the motions


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Oh, didn't even see that. Sorry.
> What did he say to you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He said to me a while ago that come June (I think it was in June or very nearly) the discussions would be over. Which is funny really because I have had to fight for just about every discussion we've had. And it takes days to get to it. I ask to talk, he gets angry and defensive, I insist on talking, he walks, all ignored by the nxt day or 2 days later, issues still there, I insist on talking again, he gets angry, I threaten to finish or I do finish, he talks. 

2 weeks ago I wanted to talk. He said he is done talking and he will no more. I am done fighting for the talk, told him so several times, that I used to talk when I felt the need to (and they have got fewer and farther between and the chats being less emotional and smaller issues...= much improvement) but it is such hard work that now I skip the middle bit of 'talk'. I go from wanting to, to accepting the finish line. Told him that. No difference. 

He said 2 weeks ago that talking was done now. June has gone. So I detached. And yesterday he did his anger routine over something stupid and then walked. I figure now is a good time to finish, so yesterday I decided. Today I told him it is over. I don't really see any going back from here now either. So much crap to deal with and he doesn't make it easy for me. That last paragraph I wrote with the link, that link spells out all that true Reconcilliation entails. He does most, but not the most fundamental bit. Honesty about the situation and open to discussion any time to ease the mind of the BS. 

It sounds like u have done all u can. If he won't/can't accept it then there is little more u can do. How is your situation?


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

I agree.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

This is an old thread (2 years) but it would be nice to know how her situation turned out. Her relationship status is listed as "divorced," so I guess it didn't work out well. Love to hear from her.


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