# I am not sure if I am the problem or my husband



## mrspfm (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi All

I am new in this forum and need some advice.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years but have been married for only 2. Things are generally ok but here is my problem. when it comes between me and his family, they always come first, it doesnt matter what. I thought I could handle it but with every situation that takes place I just feel maybe I should just cut my losses now while I am still young and move on. 

We have a son and I am 7 months pregnant with a baby girl, I honestly feel like how long am I supposed to play second priority to his mother. His mother is not a terrible person and we dont fight or anything like that, its just him that keeps putting her in our relationship. When we were about to get married, we went shopping for a dress for his granmother, we all notice this beautiful white dress, she decides to try the dress and asks what I think. I told her its beautiful, however, I dont want anyone wearing a one lace dress at my wedding except me, he offers to buy it for her despite my objections. Later that day he had to go to work, he called me and told me where to get off dictating to his mother what she should wear at our wedding.

Last year September he decides to throw her a 50th birthday party, he never included me in the preparations, and I ask to check so I can help, instead of telling me how far, he tells me how jealous I am about this party and it will succeed whether I like it or not. I was very shocked how do you respond like that when all I asked what to check if we can start.

Few months back he tells me the baby will be named after his mother, so I said no, bcos his uncles child is already named after her mother, besides, I dont like kids that are names after anyone. 2 months back he had to go home and when he came back he tells me his mother is going to name our unborn baby and the name will be the name we call her by. I didnt even bother to respond to that. This past weekend my mother inlaw is visiting and his son says to her, so tells us the name of baby, she gives us the name. I hate the name and I was very upset, I didnt say anything, I just said OK, took my son and went to church. So this morning I tell, I decided which names I giving my baby, so I give the baby 2 other names( one comes from my mother because its only fair). He said thats fine but we still are going to call the baby by the name his mother gave the baby. My response was, you can call the baby by that name if you want, I will the baby by the name that I want. 

He left for work without saying goodbye, didnt open the garage door as usual. I am so upset, that he cares more about the feelings of his mother than my feelings and it happened time after time. I believe I deserve a husband that puts me first and I just want to go. I know its hard starting a life fresh and being a single parent to 2 kids. I am not sure how i will explain it to my children, but I have realised when it comes to his mother, he cares about no one. I have spoken to him when not fighting and have seen MC, he says I want him to stop loving his mother, and all im saying is make me your first priority, you are an audult now. The way I see it is for me to walk out or for me to accept that if there was an accident and he could only save one person, it wont be me or my children, it would be his mother. 

I remember many years back when we were dating when I should have walked away, he told me his mother will always come first, and I will be first priority to my son not him. Its amazing how stupid we are when we think we are in love


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

mrspfm said:


> I* have spoken to him when not fighting and have seen MC*, he says I want him to stop loving his mother
> 
> if there was an accident and he could only save one person, it wont be me or my children, it would be his mother.
> 
> I remember many years back when we were dating...*he told me his mother will always come first*


I'm sorry you're in this position! 

The first and third parts of your quote would indicate that you have tried rationally to persuade him to see things your way, and it's never going to happen. That's a fact. 

After 10 years, you have reached the conclusion that you cannot accept this and you never will. If you can't you can't. That's a fact.

It's time for you to move on. If being an equal and the most important person in your spouse's life is important to you, then you need to find another relationship that better fits your needs. This one is not making you happy or making you feel respected.

In some cultures, this is considered a loving and respectful attitude; the premise being that you may have more than one marriage partner (whether simultaneously or not) and will probably have more than one child, but you will only ever have one mother. I am not suggesting this is a good thing or a bad thing; I am merely pointing out that this may be how your husband was raised and he is entitled to believe what he believes, just as you are.

Your children cannot be that old (one is not even born yet!); you simply tell them that you and daddy both love them, but you do not love each other the way married people should. 

When your children are MUCH older (say mid- to late-teens) IF THEY ASK YOU why you and their father divorced, be honest and simply state, "Your father was raised to put his mother before his wife and children. That is his family's (culture's) way. I did not agree with it and could not accept that belief. I think a husband/wife should be first with each other with due respect and honor being given to both parents and children. But a spouse comes FIRST in my eyes. You will have to decide for yourself what YOU believe and choose a spouse who has similar beliefs to yours."

Good luck! I would suggest moving on sooner rather than later. It's not going to get better.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I've heard that some cultures are like this.. son always takes care of mother as first priority.. I think it was Japanese... Can I ask what nationality he is?


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