# Emotionally Unavailable



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

In your opinion or in your experience, what do you feel makes a person emotionally unavailable?

I'm sure if a person wasn't like that going into a relationship, then something caused that person to become that way during the relationship. However, what if the person you married wasn't really ever emotionally available to begin with. Perhaps you didn't see the signs of it, or maybe you did and looked the other way in hopes things would change. 

If a person was emotionally unavailable to begin with, what do you think caused them to be like that? Learned behavior? Trauma from past experiences?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trey69 said:


> In your opinion or in your experience, what do you feel makes a person emotionally unavailable?


Resentment.



> If a person was emotionally unavailable to begin with, what do you think caused them to be like that? Learned behavior? Trauma from past experiences?


Lack of warm modelling growing up.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Resentment.
> 
> 
> 
> Lack of warm modelling growing up.


Do you feel that resentment can be towards the parent(s) who didn't provide good modeling behavior and can carry over into a relationship and then take it out on the spouse?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Do you feel that resentment can be towards the parent(s) who didn't provide good modeling behavior and can carry over into a relationship and then take it out on the spouse?


I meant that if the person has BECOME emotionally unavailable it may be due to built up resentment toward their partner.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Do you feel that resentment can be towards the parent(s) who didn't provide good modeling behavior and can carry over into a relationship and then take it out on the spouse?


"Take it out on" no. Don't know how. Maybe.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I meant that if the person has BECOME emotionally unavailable it may be due to built up resentment toward their partner.


I understand...I guess I was meaning more so for people who were emotionally unavailable to begin with...those who were like that before they meant their current spouse.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> "Take it out on" no. Don't know how. Maybe.


Maybe take it out on wasn't a good example..I was meaning "take it out on" in the sense that if they were emotionally unavailable before they met their spouse, then surely they would be emotionally unavailable after they are married.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Maybe take it out on wasn't a good example..I was meaning "take it out on" in the sense that if they were emotionally unavailable before they met their spouse, then surely they would be emotionally unavailable after they are married.


Yah seems so. But it strikes me as unlikely to be willful. I can imagine a case where they just were not brought up with warmth OR they could be protecting themselves from past hurt repeating. But I am no psychiatrist. I don't even play one on tv. (And if you get that reference you are old like me.)


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I believe resentment can be a big factor in people being emotionally unavailable. 

I also think it can start way before a person ever marries too. I think it does sometimes come from parents who were emotionally unavailable for their child. It is a type of learned behavior. A person can't be emotionally available for their spouse if they do not know how to be or were not taught. They can learn how to be though, through counseling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

For the ones who become emotionally unavailable LATER (not at the beginning), it could be a trauma, or resentment of getting too close to someone and then wanting to push back(intimacy/committment issues), the inability to maintain a relationship. 

Perhaps they like the high at the beginning of a relationship but once that high wears off, they start feeling trapped, and acting distant and cold instead of taking the mature route which is explaining what they are feeling and maybe the fact they don't even want to be ain a relationship--that it's too much fo rthem.

Others may have narcissistic tendencies--they enjoy someone being into them and then realize they just liked the attention.

For people that are that way in the beginning--it's doubtful they will change. It could very much be something from their past. If someone is that way from the onset, you shouldn't date them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think a lot of it has to do with trauma or the way they were raised. The only way to change is through hard work and counseling. I think it's unlikely change would happen without professional help.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> For the ones who become emotionally unavailable LATER (not at the beginning), it could be a trauma, or resentment of getting too close to someone and then wanting to push back(intimacy/committment issues), the inability to maintain a relationship.
> 
> Perhaps they like the high at the beginning of a relationship but once that high wears off, they start feeling trapped, and acting distant and cold instead of taking the mature route which is explaining what they are feeling and maybe the fact they don't even want to be ain a relationship--that it's too much fo rthem.
> 
> ...




Steven Carter has written half a dozen books on these issues. He has somewhat of a “hit you between the eyes” kind of approach to it all. The majority of his research has proven to hold true, so how he chooses to enlighten his readers is totally up to him I guess.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do you care what the reason might be?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why do you care what the reason might be?


Because its a question just like any other on this forum.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Steven Carter has written half a dozen books on these issues. He has somewhat of a “hit you between the eyes” kind of approach to it all. The majority of his research has proven to hold true, so how he chooses to enlighten his readers is totally up to him I guess.


So what does Carter say about it?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Jellybeans ~

Below is a link to some brief interviews and archived readers Q&A from Steven Carter. Several links on that page as well. The "View the Relationship Expert's Archives Before Posting" link will display some current questions from readers and Steven Carter’s advice to them.

Ask the Menopause Experts -- Power Surge Relationship Expert, Steven Carter

It is much of the same insight you already have. Being in a relationship with an individual who is emotionally unavailable is a push and pull routine which can go on for years.


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