# his sexual issues... lack of desire/ performance anxiety



## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years now... living together for the past year. I'm 23 and he's 25. 

We've never had a great sex life. The first time we had sex which was after we said "i love you" although still only a week. 
Among our many other relationship issues... Sex has always been the most prominent. Even the first time... he couldn't keep an erection and I ended up crying my eyes out right there next to him. He was also trying to use a condom which wasn't working... we finally gave up. I'm on the pill now so thats not an issue. But theres still many times where he will get soft in the middle of sex. We stop and I use other methods to get him hard which sometimes take time but generally work. start having sex... gets soft... repeat... 
He says its all mental and now he's just so worried about it and thinking that somethings gonna go wrong. He is also always thinking about something else during sex... work, money, one of his hobbies... you name it... but he's not thinking about me or the actual act. He says he can't help it. he's just constantly thinking about something or worried about something. 

Therefore he just doesn't want to have sex... Its too much "work" or he's worried its not gonna work and its gonna upset me. 

Its generally about once a week to once every 2 weeks... even then its after me either asking for a few days and getting shot down and argueing over it, crying, threatening to leave that sorta thing..... Or because he has had a few drinks in him. He says its so much better when he's drunk. Alcohol loosens him up so he's not so worried about it.... Idk if its the alcohol but he also has less problems maintaining an erection. 
But i can't exactly just make sure he has alcohol all the time... i'd like a sex life a bit more spontaineous and cheaper and healthier then that! 

He's always either too tired or just plain not interested. He said he's been going to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow for 25 years. He just wants to go to sleep. Sex isn't enticing to him. he's just not in the mood, ever. He's not cheating on me and he's definitely not gay. He keeps telling me its not me, but that doesn't really help because he's still not interested in having sex with me. 

I think he needs to see a doctor or a psychologist or something because he obviously has issues. I'm realizing now that its prolly all mental and not really physical but he's a man... he REFUSES to admit he has a problem with sex, and REFUSES to see a doctor or a therapist. He'd break up with me in a heartbeat before going to the doctor. Either that or he'd threaten to until i gave in and dropped the issue. I don't want to leave either... if i push it, i have to be ready to walk away and i'm not. 

I just need some ideas of what to do at home to actually make him want to or to make it easier. To get his mind off of it besides alcohol. Keep in mind if i put on lingerie and dance around he gets mad that i'm trying too hard. and he knows i'm just looking for sex, which makes him angry. 

He says i'm too easy and all he has to do is snap his fingers.. well ofcourse i am easy... I learned a long time ago that if i turn him down once... i better be prepared to wait another week. I don't care, if i'm not in the mood, i'll make myself be in the mood. I have needs. he doesn't. 

I don't just want sex, I want him to want me. But he just doesn't. I don't know what to do.....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How often does he masturbate? Porn?
I agree he needs anti anxiety meds and a therapist if he's being honest.

From your side, you have to stop getting upset if he has trouble or fails outright. You play a part I'm his issues, too.

I do think you should insist on a psych eval and therapy for him. If he doesn't want to fix it, I wouldn't stay. It isn't fair to you. You certainly can't marry him

BTW try to blow off his blaming you. He's deflecting but that's common when someone is afraid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

How much do you go down on him? Oral is your friend. Try and do as much as you can without an erection, or get him to use his fingers and/or tongue. If he doesn't get hard, just be playful and sexy and enjoy the moment for what it is. If you cry and get upset when he doesn't get hard, you are not going to get when you want.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He does need to see someone.

And I want to know if you know does he masturbate and does he watch porn?

He is robbing you guys of an important part of your relationship and connection.

Any one who has been with someone who has sexual issues can tell you it's not fun to feel rejected and undesired. Eventually you will want to move on to someone who really wants you, and that will be shame but understandable.


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

I don't think he masturbates anymore... i mean i know he used to before we moved in together but i asked him a few weeks ago and he said he hasn't been. 

I know i haven't exactly been helpful but how do i really make him see i won't do it when he's automatically expecting me to get upset when he turns me down. 

And its not that he doesn't want to fix it. He'll admit to me that its his problem. He just doesn't know what to do... so nothing ever happens. He just refuses to go to a doctor for it. 
I mean the man refuses to go to the doctor when he's actually sick as it is... let alone about something to do with his sexual parts/ his manhood... Therapists to him are a waste and do nothing.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would be telling him that in order to be happy you need to feel sexy and desired and that a good sex life is important to you. tell him you are not doing it to pressure him, but it is what it is.

Tell him you want to work on this because you really do love him, but that if he's not on board you need to think about your long term happiness.

The truth is if things stay like they are you will be miserable and regret being with him. He probably isn't happy either. 

So you need to get into counseling and he needs to see a Dr as well. If it is all psychological, you can find ways to combat that.

Good luck.


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

i can deal more with him having a hard time actually keeping an erection then i can with his lack of desire to have sex... 

Yea oral is my friend.. I do it a lot and that usually brings it back up... but it doesn't stay that way during the actual act of sex.. It makes me think its an actual sexual act that worries him... 
BTW I could punch his ex girlfriends in the face for this cus i'm kinda convinced they made him this way. He won't admit it... he doesn't know what caused it or how to fix it.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I would suggest you stop talking with him at all about the issue and pretend there isn't one. It's likely adding a lot to the anxiety.

Try morning sex. Testosterone is higher and minds aren't full of the day's worries yet.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Yes; just be sexy and playful and whatever happens happens. Let him know you just want enjoy the time you have together, whatever the outcome. Make it about pleasure more than his performance or achieving some goal.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I know i haven't exactly been helpful but how do i really make him see i won't do it when he's automatically expecting me to get upset when he turns me down. 


You have to show him over time. He has far too much experience with you getting upset. Like any other breach of trust, only time and good behavior can solve it.

Now, lack of desire might be because he doesn't want to fail and go thru the drama. Again, only time can fix that.

He may be far more likely to seek help once he sees that change in you.

But do check the comp history. If he is masturbating and doing porn he has to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A 25 year old man with moderate to severe ED issues needs to see a urologist and possibly in conjunction with a psychologist. Sorry but all this about porn and masturbation is a distraction. A 25 year old should be able to maintain an erection pretty much any time he's sexually stimulated. 

If you think the problem is alcohol e.g 'whiskey ****' then you must realize he's a gutter-drunk. Can't hide that, not at that age. 

Another thing is he self medicating secretly with anything else, like heroin or oxycodone?

Does he have a hernia or a scrotal rupture? (see above, the urologist)

Lastly, is he gay?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Porn goes straight to the brain, often overpowering other issues and if that plays here at all, he will do little about real sex, preferring porn which is drama free and effective. That isn't to say it is an addiction but ad you.are quite aware, people prefer things that make them feel good about themselves.

So porn and m. Are not distractions. They have a huge influence on some men's ability to perform. If porn is a factor, he needs to retrain his brain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

I honestly think he's got so many issues from his past relating to sex that he's learned sex isn't a good thing. i'm not sure but ok... 

his mom cheated on his dad by sleeping with his soccer coach at the time.... she broke up their family and he's never forgivven her. 

his first gf he was with for like 4 or 5 years... and she was in hs at the time but she wouldn't even touch him... no sex. 

Then his next gf idk and don't really care to know honestly but i know that they didn't have a good sex life.. and he went like 4 months without it.. he says he wasn't physically attracted to her. and thennn.... she cheated on him 3 times. I'm pretty sure he had the problem with her too.... although not exactly about to ask. oh yea and she told him he was bad in bed. 
(BTW other then the times he has this problem.... reaaalllllyyyyyy NOT TRUE) 

So my conclusion is its been built in his mind since he was in elementary school that sex causes problems. and then he's anticipated it so much over the course of his first gf... then he finally does it and he gets screwed over again. 

So i guess he just doesn't see a need for it. And now he just doesn't want to deal with having the issue and its easier to not do it at all then "risk it". 


.... 
We did it this weekend... or well tried. And it happened again and finally he just said just stop... Got up threw his clothes on. obviously pissed off... saying "lets have a 30 minute fight over this now"... So me trying to be supportive... just said "don't worry about it babe" told him i loved him and let him go to sleep.


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

no he doesn't really drink much at all... but like when he does... its usually okay... usually... not always but usually. and he might actually initiate it. 
He says its because hes not worried about anything and he's just relaxed. 

FAR from gay... he makes comments about good outfits... good looking women... VS commercialls that kinda thing... PISSES ME OFF... cus he doesn't look at me that way. 

sex just causes more problems then anything and women will screw ya over. thats his life lesson. 
he says he trusts me tho. idk..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hmm. Most guys who actually hate women are pretty rough in bed. Maybe he's afraid of you?


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

he's afraid of causing a fight. he knows if he says no, it will be. but i also don't want him to have sex just so he won't "get in trouble".... but after getting shot down 3 or 4 days in a row... i can't help but say somethinggg...


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## Androus (May 16, 2011)

Great sex isn’t only about what you do in the bedroom. Most people need their lover to make them feel loved and appreciated. You have to show one another that there is something more to your relationship than sex. Romantic gestures, even corny candlelight dinners or unexpected red roses, can do the trick.The more you get to know what your partner likes and doesn’t like, the better the sex will be. The more comfortable you grow to be, the more you’ll be willing to experiment with sex positions or role playing or whatever it is that turns you on. The best part about sex is that it can keep getting better and better. If you’re willing to put in the effort to practice, practice, practice, your sex life will improve.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

is he taking depression med or anxiety ?
that could be one reason
if you can prove he was like that with other girls then he has medical issue and could be worse god forbid cancer.
if he was like that the first time you guys ever did, then its a medical issue.


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## Kate0558 (May 13, 2011)

if he was like this with last gf when he first started having sex.. but has no problem masturbating. then doesn't that mean its performance anxiety. 

He's told he in the past he'd tell me no and then after i left he'd do it himself. Cus he just didn't wanna deal with the drama of sex. 
That pissed me off but we are living together now so he can't do that anymore. 

But its just like sex is work to him. he can't calm himself down about it. he can't just have fun with it. 
he's thinking and worrying about something 24/7 he can't stop. his mind is too active i guess... idk. 
he ofcourse tells me this is my fault and i keep asking for it so he feels like he has to do it or he'll get in trouble....its his "job". but when i don't ask for it, he still does nothing... after 2 weeks i'm back to freaking out at him... sometimes more like a week or less... and i'm a *****. 

And thats the other thing... theres no romance... we don't cuddle.. i'm lucky to get an arm around me once in a while. sometimes i'll go the whole day without even a simple kiss. i'll try to lay up next to him and he'll just tell me to get up cus its not comfortable. he says he just likes his space. 

i've talked, fought, argued countless times. he says he'll try.. and maybe i'll get like an arm around me for a minute the next day. but thats the extent of it. NOTHING ever changes. i don't know how to make him change.


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