# I need a woman's Opinion pls.



## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Hi, I re-posted my story here from my original post "Is my wife cheating?" from about a few weeks ago. I just wanted to hear a woman's point of view for this one though. Thanks so much and sorry for the long post in advance.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 10 years, give or take a few months. We've had our ups and downs, and we even broke up twice before. I’m 28 years old, and I am a doctor. I’m about to start my training for specialization and things have been awfully busy lately. I am a pretty understanding guy and although I may not be the perfect husband, I believe I have been good to her. No kids, engaged to marry in a year or so but she doesn't wear the ring.

My wife (I call her that) has lately been wanting more time alone. So I gave it to her. I don’t know why because she can pretty much go out whenever she wants, do whatever she likes, and I even allow her to flirt with guys she meets at the club when she goes out with her friends. I don’t go with them because I don’t drink, she says she wants to dance and I don’t dance, and she also said she feels good when other men hit on her. Which was fine by me. I understand that sometimes she needed an ”ego boost” as she would say because we have been together for so long. 

3 months ago, she asked me for a weekend off to meet her friend from abroad who came here to the US. I said “Of course hon.” Now when I say I am a doctor in training, it is safe to say I don’t earn a lot and I have tons of student loans to pay. She doesn’t work and although her family is well off, we never ask them for anything. I paid for her weekend off and I was really worried when she didn’t answer her phone one night. Needless to say, to make a very long story shorter, I found out she was with a girl and 2 guys (one of which she swears was gay) whom she met at the bar. We talked it through and it was settled. All was water under the bridge.

Then she started distancing herself from me, both physically and emotionally. January 21, 2014 I had to go home after I already left for work because I forgot some of my stuff and she was not there. I called her and asked innocently where she was and she said she was at home just relaxing. I went to work and took an early day off. Called her and asked what she was doing (as I normaly do) and she told me the same thing. So, innocently again, I asked her if I can pick her up for dinner because I got off early. She said she was actually out because she was feeling sad. I asked her how because I brought the car with me and she said she walked a bit. Anyway, she asked me to wait for her at the mall where she was supposedly in because she wanted to walk around alone.

In the following days, she ended up always hiding her phone and deleting the logs. I caught her using tinder and snapchatting a guy. I managed to restore one day of deleted messages on her phone. January 20, 2014. One of the rare times I got a day of and spent it with her, and she was texting the guy, saying that she was excited to see him the following day (Jan 21st), that she wants to cuddle and stuff. 

Now my mistake was confronting her at once with this. She said it was nothing sexual. Yet she lied because apparently the 
guy is an ass and blogged their messages online. (I happen to be lucky enough to have a brother who is an IT) so i compared notes as she said they just ate lunch out and hung out by panda express. Truth that i managed to pry from her when faced with evidence is they met twice before I caught them and she went to his house to meet her father. (Which she denied until I showed her evidence from the guy’s blog). She still kept in touch with the guy saying they are just friends and its no big deal. I blew up and deleted her tinder account and snap chat so they have no means of communicating now (I hope).

Now this might sound very confusing but please feel free to ask away. I’ll try to be as non biased as I can be. I just really need help because she went out again tonight and is planning to go out again on Friday, V day, with friends supposedly that I haven’t met yet. I feel like she might be with someone else again because she told me she was going on a Pub alone to hang out. (Very out of character for her). I think that maybe i just need to hear it from someone else.

Is she having an affair or not? And what now? Thank you so much.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Why does she not have a job? She's 28 as well? No kids, why would she not have a job?

Sounds like you are committed to her and she is committed to herself and her own desires. This is not a relationship and until you recognize this, nothing will change. Why would you be happy with this scenario? Sounds like she has zero respect for you and you have zero respect for yourself.

Ask yourself this, if your good friend or family member was living this life, what would you think? Wouldn't you think they deserve better? You know what you need to do, so do it and good luck!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Just a word of advice for the future. All male animals lay claim to their territory and females. It is nature and natural. When you "allow" your woman to go to bars without you, to flirt and dance with other guys, you are not laying claim to her. In her eyes you are not being a manly man, or an alpha man. You are "allowing" other men to lay claim. That is not OK. If you want her to stay true to you, you need to step it up and have boundaries.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm not a woman , but I think your situation is very clear.
Ten years is a long time , but @ 28 years you've got your entire life ahead of you.
As a doctor you want to make sure you have an accurate diagnosis , which is understandable , so let's look at it this way.
If a patient has a wound on their toes and it spreads till their foot gets infected with severe gangrene , then the immediate concern is not what caused the wound or if it' smells putrid. 
Most likely you'd want to save the patients life , and the best way to do that would be to remove the infected part , to stop it from spreading.

Whether or not your girlfriend in your 10 year relationship is cheating is not the biggest threat to your relationship , but her entitled attitude and lack of respect for you , is , and it seems to be spreading. You caught her lying , more than once.

You've got your entire life and career ahead of you , and she will only ruin it. You love her , but she doesn't love you.
You've got to respect and protect yourself.
Make sure to get tested for any STD's , you know the drill.

It's time to remove the infected , toxic part from your life.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You already know she's cheating. You may as well have handed her a condom and told her to have fun as she walked out the door...

If a guy didn't care that I flirted and went out without him all the time, I wouldn't be thinking, 'oh wow, it's so nice to have a guy who trusts me', I'd be thinking, 'he couldn't care less, so it doesn't matter what I do'.

Not saying it's your fault she's cheating, but honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in love with this person; it sounds like you're with her because it's habit.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> My wife (I call her that) has lately been wanting more time alone. So I gave it to her. I don’t know why because she can pretty much go out whenever she wants, do whatever she likes, and I even allow her to flirt with guys she meets at the club when she goes out with her friends. I don’t go with them because I don’t drink, she says she wants to dance and I don’t dance, and she also said she feels good when other men hit on her. Which was fine by me. I understand that sometimes she needed an ”ego boost” as she would say because we have been together for so long.


What you've said here is tantamount to telling your GF "I'm so sure of you I don't even have to try..." We're all different, OP, but if my SO had this sort of attitude it would make me feel that he didn't place much value on me. It might cause a woman of your GF's age to seek outside validation, and it sounds as though that's exactly what she's doing. 

You should be her "ego boost," not random men in nightclubs, and you being OK with other guys hitting on her isn't very complimentary, OP...



> One of the rare times I got a day of and spent it with her, and she was texting the guy, saying that she was excited to see him the following day (Jan 21st), that she wants to cuddle and stuff.


The above is cheating. Even if they haven't had sex, yet, it's an emotional affair. Check out Dr Shirley Glass' website: http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

As a doctor, throughout your career you're going to be working long, antisocial hours, and this can take its toll on a marriage. Doctor's wives (or husbands) are a special breed, who need to be both independent and supportive. Your GF is already showing you what you can expect from a marriage with her, and it doesn't look promising to me...

*Edited to add:* Why doesn't your GF work? That hefty student loan of yours would decrease a lot faster if there were two incomes. Besides, what on earth does she _do _all day?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Search your feelings Luke; you know it to be true!!!!!!!!!!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Reminds me of a convo I once had with a guy who'd been with his GF for 7yrs. He wasn't happy in the relationship, it pretty much had mostly negative points, so I asked him why he was still with her. He said he didn't really know, maybe it was because he'd been smoking marijuana through most of it... sounds a bit like you, except you've probably been using your work/studies to avoid reality.

I told him he was nuts for staying in a relationship that was so crap just because he was too lazy/scared to move on. I told him that being single, which I was at the time, was so bloody awesome compared to what he was living. He ended up splitting up with her shortly later, went travelling, met the girl of his dreams and last I heard, was deliriously happy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You've been with your gf your ENTIRE adult life! You've never had a relationship with anyone else. You know nothing different. These are NOT good things!

How can you KNOW what you want out of life, whom you want IN your life, if you have NOTHING (no knowledge base) against which to measure?

You're with this woman out of sheer habit because she may have been 'right' for you at 18yo, but she's sure as heck not 'right' for you now (and vice versa). Is she just staying with you out of habit? Out of the financial security she expects to get from being a doctor's wife? Out of the social stature she expects to gain by being a doctor's wife? Out of laziness because she doesn't work and you put up with it? She is NO KIND of "partner" to you...she doesn't work?!? You pay for everything on your crappy intern salary while she sits home all day and....what? buffs her nails and gets a tan?

A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP where each contributes FULLY as much as they can. You are a goal-oriented, hard-working man who is supporting an overgrown teen-age girl! Why doesn't she have to GROW UP like everyone else and CONTRIBUTE something to life? Why is life one big day at the mall and out for lunch with friends and flirting/dancing with/kissing/canoodling with cute guys in bars every week while good old dad (oops, sorry...good old bf) keeps a roof over her head and pays all the bills? For her, it's like being a teenager with NO dad and NO curfew? Fun for her, sucks to be YOU!


She refuses to wear your engagement ring (cute, eligible men might not approach her!)
You've already broken up TWICE
She is home alone ALL DAY while you work, but needs more "alone time" (except you KNOW she's not alone, she's with other men!)
She lies to you repeatedly
She's cheating on you (at least emotionally, probably physically) with other men. Do you think this will somehow 'magically' cease once she says "I do"?!?
She's mooching off of you instead of working.

So, just to recap, unless you would like a lying, cheating, untrustworthy, sneaky, lazy, entitled WIFE, you need to break up with her NOW! Before February is over! NOW! And get tested for STDs...let her know you're getting tested. If she's mad, tough crap! Liars and cheaters lie and cheat...and they get angry when you 'call' them on their lying and cheating!

If you marry her, she will embarrass you, humiliate you, crush your soul, destroy your peace of mind, probably take you to the cleaners financially, and make you constantly wonder whether your children are even YOUR children. Who the hell would voluntarily sign up for that?!?

If all of this hasn't convinced you yet, consider this: Is this woman the very best MOTHER you can give your future children? Is she the 'gift' you want to bestow upon them as the ONLY mother they'll ever have? A lying, cheating, untrustworthy, sneaky, lazy, entitled woman...because you KNOW that having children will not change who she fundamentally is. You're sentencing your children to the upheaval of a future divorce (she WILL eventually leave you anyway, maybe not until you've got money worth tapping into as part of the divorce settlement), cheating, lying, etc. And as for that future divorce settlement which is, undoubtedly, headed your way: you are setting an exceedingly BAD PRECEDENT by not requiring her to work NOW. Divorce courts will say that she has become used to a certain lifestyle (never working out side the home, certain income level, etc.) and could force you to support her for YEARS while she gets "schooling" or "training" or spousal support/alimony depending on which state you live in.

After you dump her, start reading at least 5 of the very excellent books recommended so often on TAM. Yes, we know you'll be "busy"...we ALL are. If you don't want your next gf to be just like this one, then you need to (a) quit dating for 6-8 months while you (b) read up on YOUR problems and start addressing them!

Best wishes on getting your self-respect and peace of mind back in 2014. Start by taking out the trash (figuratively speaking about your relationship).

Get out and DON'T get this GIRL pregnant!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

:iagree:

This. 100%. Don't waste any more time, energy, emotion or money on this. It is only going to get worse as they years go by and at that point your loans will be paid for, you will have a track record as sole provider and you will find yourself paying out the azz for alimony and the house she'll get to keep.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Asclepius said:


> she went out again tonight and is planning to go out again on Friday, V day, with friends


How could she be going out on V day when you posted this on Feb 22????

Your story's fishy.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't want to requote the entire post, but SlowlyGettingWiser's post 10 is absolutely spot on!

Also, I don't know any woman who doesn't take pride in wearing her engagement ring... There has to be a reason for that, OP.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> How could she be going out on V day when you posted this on Feb 22????
> 
> Your story's fishy.


I think it's a copy and paste from his CWI thread that was posted on Feb 13.


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Ok first I'm not a woman but, your relationship sounds a lot like mine minus me being a Dr. Girlfriend that needs attention from other guys, taking off the engagement ring and not wearing it, going out and dancing with other guys, has an OM that she cuddles with.

I met my STBXW at college when I was 20 and she was 19. From what you describe your girlfriend and my STBX sound exactly the same. She needs constant attention from guys and I let her have it. One time we went out to a bar the ex and her friend left me hanging for over two hours so they could go talk to a couple of guys. When I asked her what she was doing the ex said she was trying to hook her friend up. Right. I let her off the hook.

Us just like you broke up 2 time also and guess what, I learned 8 years into our marriage that both times she left me for another guy (I didn't know this at the time when it happened). So I ask you do you know what your girlfriend was doing during your break ups?

Also you said she isn't wearing her ring. My ex did the exact same thing when she was going out dancing, talking and who knows what with another guys. Don't let her fool you, she isn't wearing it for a reason.

About this OM if you think that's all they are doing is just cuddling, pull your head out of the sand. Why does she need to cuddle with another guy? I know how busy you said you are but, if she wants to cuddle why can't she do that with you when you have some down time?

Take my advice. Sit her down and tell her this isn't working. She's doing things that you will not stand for. You're working too hard to become successful and when that happens, why would you want her to take half of what you have, when she hasn't done a dang thing.

Again take my advice and take your head out of the sand. My ex has had 2 affairs now (that I know of) and we have two kids together. For me it's going to get worse before it gets better. Do you really want to go through this?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*So, Asclepius, have you dumped your girlfriend?*
(...she asked hopefully)​


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

You need to dump her now. Break your engagement. She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve her. 

I'm 26. Got married at 18 and my husband was very jealous and controlling from the beginning. He also lied a lot, and although I never caught him in a physical affair I caught him in plenty inappropriate relationships that I am now divorcing him over. The signs where there. The flags were RED! And I bought his salesman talk out of love. I wasted 8 years of my youth, gave up college, and gave up myself for a caveman moron. Now, with 2 kids between us, it made me stick around longer than I should have. 

You have nothing holding you down to this woman. You will be a DOCTOR!! You guys work crazy amounts of hours (I worked with many before I stayed home with my kids as a A/R collector) and you deserve to have someone at home attending to you, if she isn't working of course. Which is your case. Why doesn't she work when you guys have 0 children? In any case if your relationship is like this now, it will only get worse! Trust me. 

For your next relationship, do not be so lax about letting them go out to clubs, bars, etc. You are asking for trouble. 

You seem like an honest and confident man, which is nice, because jealousy and control is the other extreme, but you do need to have BOUNDARIES! Without them, many women will run you dry. 

Listen to your heart. If you are doubting her, it is because she is not worth trusting. 

YOU HAVE CAUGHT HER RED HANDED!! SHE LIED>>>>SHE IS CHEATING (MAY BE PHYSICAL OR MAY BE EMOTIONAL OR BOTH)LET HER GO!!


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *So, Asclepius, have you dumped your girlfriend?*
> (...she asked hopefully)​


Yes, an update would be good.

In short, your girlfriend has a boyfriend - and it ain't you unfortunately.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

While I don't believe that attached women should never be "allowed" to go to bars or clubs, I don't know why anyone would want their partner looking for an ego boost by flirting. Also, saying that you "allow" her to flirt doesn't make sense. You cannot stop people from flirting with your wife, but she should care enough about you to not want to flirt with other men. 

It sounds like she is spoiled and lazy. There is no reason why she should not be working. I think she is just a gold digger looking to marry a doctor. 

Your fiance also seems very needy since she needs attention from other men to feel good about herself. That's why she refuses to wear her ring. 

I know that my husband would NEVER tolerate his wife going to clubs so that other men could pay attention to his partner. There is no way I could get away with not wearing my rings as my husband views them as a symbol; a sparkling "She's Mine!" sign on my finger. Also, since we do not have children, there is no good reason for me to be home. My husband married a woman who believes in earning some income, even though he is the breadwinner. 

*Please *reevaluate whether you want to marry to a cheater who doesn't bring anything to the table.


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

HI everyone.  I'm back and I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Me and my crazy pride wouldn't let go the first time. So I gave her another chance and trusted her again. I'm too busy to worry about it for too long anyway. So now I have a few Days off and thought I should give you guys an update. They still continued to see each other and it lasted a WHOLE EFFIN YEAR. hahahahaha. I'm laughing baecause I'm mostly over it now.

I dumped her a couple of weeks ago and I'm now in the Asia, (Not telling where) on vacation and I'm going to go to her folk's place and explain to them why I can't marry their daughter. I gathered enough evidence the past year to prove my point if needed be. Just wanted to say thank you.

Still hard sometimes because I still miss her but I figured I should walk away while I still have some dignity left in me. Confirmed the EA and PA. hahahahaha. in the worst way imaginable short of seeing them in the act. Someday, I will pay it forward, the lessons and support everyone gave me through all this.  again I want to say Thank you. Will try to give updates soon on how the talk with her parents goes. 


"_Dear God, If today I lose hope and conviction, please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams."_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Asclepius said:


> HI everyone.  I'm back and I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Me and my crazy pride wouldn't let go the first time. So I gave her another chance and trusted her again. I'm too busy to worry about it for too long anyway. So now I have a few Days off and thought I should give you guys an update. They still continued to see each other and it lasted a WHOLE EFFIN YEAR. hahahahaha. I'm laughing baecause I'm mostly over it now.
> 
> I dumped her a couple of weeks ago and I'm now in the Asia, (Not telling where) on vacation and I'm going to go to her folk's place and explain to them why I can't marry their daughter. I gathered enough evidence the past year to prove my point if needed be. Just wanted to say thank you.
> 
> ...


Good for you, you are still young with a good career in front of you. You deserve a woman who will be your helper and sou l mate not someone who screws around behind your back and lives off you.
Don't see why you must meet her parents, none of their business or do you want to dig in the boot more by exposing her? That might not be a good thing?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Nobody will respect you if you don't respect yourself.

Forget this chicks issues, fix yourself brah


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Well, The meeting the parents thing? Long story short..... We are both not originally from the US, so when I went here with her, I asked her parents for permission and promised her dad that I would take care of her. Now, her mom knows what happened already, I was fortunate enough that I coaxed her into telling her mom when she visited us last thanks giving. So now, I want to tell her dad thank you for trusting me and that her mom and she would explain the rest.  I have a feeling she will come back here. And I don't want her dad to think that I am still responsible for her. 

I think its the right thing to do. What do you guys think?  (Might be a cultural thing i guess)


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with it. You made an agreement with the dad to look after her daughter and now your closing out the contract so to speak. After this though NO MORE contact with the entire family. Put them in the past so you can heal.

And whatever you do, don't let them talk you back into that horrible relationship! You're a young doctor, you'll have no problem landing a decent woman. Finish up you're learning and when your in a good place start dating again. 

Good luck.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Just a word of advice for the future. All male animals lay claim to their territory and females. It is nature and natural. When you "allow" your woman to go to bars without you, to flirt and dance with other guys, you are not laying claim to her. In her eyes you are not being a manly man, or an alpha man. You are "allowing" other men to lay claim. That is not OK. If you want her to stay true to you, you need to step it up and have boundaries.


Yuck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Asclepius,

Good for you! The year doesn't matter; knowing the truth, maintaining your dignity, honoring your commitment to her father...THOSE are the things that matter! If you were my son, I'd give you a HUGE hug! 

Have a wonderful rest of your life!


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Yeah, that's kind of the whole point.  Thank you so much for the boost in morale.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Asclepius said:


> HI everyone.  I'm back and I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Me and my crazy pride wouldn't let go the first time. So I gave her another chance and trusted her again. I'm too busy to worry about it for too long anyway. So now I have a few Days off and thought I should give you guys an update. They still continued to see each other and it lasted a WHOLE EFFIN YEAR. hahahahaha. I'm laughing baecause I'm mostly over it now.
> 
> *I dumped her a couple of weeks ago and I'm now in the Asia, (Not telling where) on vacation and I'm going to go to her folk's place and explain to them why I can't marry their daughter. *I gathered enough evidence the past year to prove my point if needed be. Just wanted to say thank you.
> 
> ...


What was your "wife's" reaction to the ending of your relationship? Was she upset and remorseful, or was she relieved that it was all over?


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Not too remorseful i guess. 

I found skype messages of them reminiscing the Hump sessions they had. I actually forgave her and it was fine for around 6 months. I found out for the second time last October 25 2014. I confronted her and she confessed. Sadly, she wouldnt stop and would still "ASK" fo my permission to see him after. hahahahaha. Even wanted to go out of town with OM family for thanks giving. Last hurrah or something like that. That was the last straw. I didn't have the heart to kick her out because she had no one else here in the US but me, and I don't thnk OM would take her in. She said she " wanted to be with me. 

Cake eating I guess? My family went to visit me last December and my brother caughter her talkin to the guy via Text. So i just held the fort until i could bring her home because she didnt want to leave together with her mom. LOL Really compliacted story, but I felt she didnt really feel remorseful. SO here I am was reaaaly hard though. last documented proof of conversing with him was April 3 2015. I document it for my protection hahaahaha


But I do understand that maybe I also have my own short comings. After all, no one is perfect, but I know now it was not my fault. My family is not rich, heck, we would probably qualify for medicaid twice. So I worked pretty hard to have a good shot at this. And that's the choice I made, I want a good future for my family and my future family. She couldn't understand that enough so she felt sad with all the effort and time I spent working. And me? I was too focused and decided on what I thought was "Our dream". Our parents worked hard to raise us, and I fell that I owe them as much to work just as hard to do my part now that they are older.

I just hope she finds waht she is looking for though. She will always be a part of who I am since I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Asclepius said:


> Well, The meeting the parents thing? Long story short..... We are both not originally from the US, so when I went here with her, I asked her parents for permission and promised her dad that I would take care of her. Now, her mom knows what happened already, I was fortunate enough that I coaxed her into telling her mom when she visited us last thanks giving. So now, I want to tell her dad thank you for trusting me and that her mom and she would explain the rest.  I have a feeling she will come back here. And I don't want her dad to think that I am still responsible for her.
> 
> I think its the right thing to do. What do you guys think?  (Might be a cultural thing i guess)


It sounds like you did the right thing in a bad situation.

It's good to hear that you are able to move on now.


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Wellll... I'm trying my best.  I want to be able to talk to her without feeling any negative emotions someday but that will come later on.


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## Cristina (Mar 28, 2015)

I would say, "good riddance", You should move on with your life. You're a good person and you'll definitely find one that is nice enough for you. Best of Luck


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## Asclepius (Feb 4, 2014)

Cristina said:


> I would say, "good riddance", You should move on with your life. You're a good person and you'll definitely find one that is nice enough for you. Best of Luck


Wow, thanks Cristina.  I will. We all will.


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