# Wife wants to divorce to be with another woman



## LostInVirginia

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married for 12. Have two beautiful children, 7yo and 9yo.
I have a very stable job that covers us well financially.
The past five years have been stressful on us, but we are beginning to recover, and I see a great future ahead!

Three weeks ago, my wife shared with me that she is no longer physically or emotionally attracted to me. I know that the recent stress had put a strain on our relationship, but not to this extent.

I am almost certain that she is not having an affair - at least, not with a man.

I think that my wife wants to explore her sexuality with a female friend of hers. I understand where this is coming from. Our sex life hasn't been great - especially over the past few years. I don't demand sex. I receive it - occasionally. But, she also shared that it is painful for her almost all of the time because she is no longer attracted to me. And, she hides guilt because she feels she should want to engage sexually with me more.

She seems to be rushing into getting a divorce, but I am perplexed as to what the hurry is. If she really has been as unhappy as she says she has been, how would 4-6 months hurt if the big scheme of things, so we can make sure that our children are going to get through this okay?

I TRULY want us both to be happy. And, if my wife being with another woman makes her happy, then so be it. I can accept that and move on, but I almost want to give her a trial period first to see if that is what she truly wants.

We have had one marriage counseling appointment and have scheduled our second, but she is trying to fast-track it (four sessions and we're done).

Trying to figure out how to move forward. My gut tells me that I should share my suspicions with her, and actually allow her to have a set period of time so she could do her "exploring" to see what happens. The last thing I would want to have happen is for her to go experimenting, destroy our family, embarrass herself in front of friends and family, and 3-4 months later, come back begging for forgiveness (after I, perhaps, have already moved on) realizing that she wanted to be with a man (me) all along.

Has anyone been down this path?

Thoughts and advice?


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## EleGirl

Her exploring her sexuality with another woman is cheating. You think that letting your wife cheat will be a good idea? Really? Would you be so accommodating if she wanted to explore her sexuality with another man?


An open marriage?


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## LostInVirginia

I don't know any other better way to say this than I think she just needs to get it out of her system. Is it cheating either way? Yes.

But, if she explores it and realizes that she doesn't like it or it's not sustaining, it may make her more confident in her convictions and may make our relationship (and trust in one another) even stronger.

If she explores it and realizes that she likes it, then our marriage is done.

Perhaps I am the eternal optimist, but I think the former is more likely...


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## NotLikeYou

LostInVirginia, the problem is not that you are an eternal optimist. The problem is that you are a nice guy doormat of a husband, and your wife does not respect you.

See EleGirl's post up above yours? Go click on the link in her post titled "180 for betrayed spouses." 

Now. You can keep going the way you are, placing no boundaries on your wife's behavior, trying to maintain a zen attitude, and you will end up in a lot of pain, misery, and distress.

Or, you can take control of the situation insofar as it affects you and chart your own course. If you decide to do the latter, adopting the 180 behaviors will help you out tremendously.

You might not realize this, but almost all spouses who file for divorce do not want to be married to their partner any more. It is a very rare spouse who gets divorced so they can have sex with other people, and then come back and re-marry their original spouse. 

Good luck to you however you decide to proceed.


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## LostInVirginia

What's strange is, though she has threatened divorce, that I do not think she has retained counsel. I feel that she may think that all of this is incomplete until she can express (and quit denying, at least to me) her possible feelings towards the same sex.

She may think that this is her way of protecting me. Meanwhile, my mind is trying to process that she may be attracted to women after all, and this may have very little, if anything, to do with me.

My wife knows that I had three roommates throughout college and graduate school that are gay, so she knows that I am not a homophobe. Just trying to figure out why she is trying to protect her status / lifestyle so much at the risk of losing a loving husband / father and our two beautiful daughters.


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## aug

How do you know she hasnt already been intimate with that female friend of hers? 

Generally, when they want to move out/divorce to be with their affair partner, they had already been intimate and explored first.


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## LostInVirginia

I suppose I don't. If she is going to be intimate with her, it will happen tonight. I just went OOT with our children. I have hired a Private Investigator to do surveillance on her tonight. Once my suspicion is confirmed, I plan on confronting her at our next counseling appointment (so a third party is present).

There are a number of reasons why she would keep this affair private. Most importantly, the woman that I suspect that she is seeing WILL lose her job. She has had at least two encounters with married women who are students of hers that she has already been counseled on. She was told that any socialization with students outside of the club will lead to immediate termination. Fortunately for the prior two, their marriages stayed intact. 

Would it be wrong to let her "explore" for 3-6 months? One, to confirm that her current tendencies are real and permanent. And two, to see if her partner is really in it for the long-term (which, based on her history, I do not think she will be.)

I think she owes it to me and especially our children!


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## Badsmit

Either get a sex change (not) or separate and let her explore, mean while take care of yourself and start doing the things that interest you (make you happy).. Her leaving may be a door closing so somebody better can come into your life.. Best of luck 
Oh get some evidence preferred a video tape and share …. Sorry just kidding get evidence to protect yourself and if there are finical considerations on your part meaning you don’t want to pay spouse support see if there are laws and annulment options b/c your spouse is bi/gay
Best of luck


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## the guy

LIV,
The best course of action is to be as indifferent and show her the confident man she fell in ,love with with. Do not beg, do not cry, but bbe firm in the fact that you will not tolorate this and there is no comprimise.

I get it you love her her and are willing to do what ever...but at the end of the day it will be either you except this or you dont.
trust me you will get tired of her shinanaagians and will force your hand sooner or later. So even though you do not feel like it force your hand now.


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## Shaggy

LostInVirginia said:


> I suppose I don't. If she is going to be intimate with her, it will happen tonight. I just went OOT with our children. I have hired a Private Investigator to do surveillance on her tonight. Once my suspicion is confirmed, I plan on confronting her at our next counseling appointment (so a third party is present).
> 
> There are a number of reasons why she would keep this affair private. Most importantly, the woman that I suspect that she is seeing WILL lose her job. She has had at least two encounters with married women who are students of hers that she has already been counseled on. She was told that any socialization with students outside of the club will lead to immediate termination. Fortunately for the prior two, their marriages stayed intact.
> 
> Would it be wrong to let her "explore" for 3-6 months? One, to confirm that her current tendencies are real and permanent. And two, to see if her partner is really in it for the long-term (which, based on her history, I do not think she will be.)
> 
> I think she owes it to me and especially our children!


Would it be wrong to let her cheat for 3-6 months? 

Would it be wrong for you to cheat for 3-6 months?

The answer is yes, yes it would be. Completely wrong, and stupid let let her.

This isn't a fad or phase - it is her actively exploring a romantic relationship with another person.

It's simply cheating.

The best way to deal with affairs is to EXPOSE them to the light.

from the sound of it, this OW is a predator - she finds a target and then despite the woman being married she goes in for the kill.

Find her name, picture and details and post them to cheaterville.com - warn other people about her.

Take the PI info an call her employee and notify them.

DO NOT WARN YOUR WIFE that you are doing any of this. Do not let her try to prevent you, or to do damage control for the OW. The OW is an attacker who is attacking your marriage. 

You wouldn't be nice patient or polite with someone who was trying to break into your house and steel from you - no you would take immediate and direct action to stop them.

Treat this the same way - make your wife too costly to have an affair with for this OW. Expose it.

Expose your wife if you need to, do it to family and friends. Let her face the truth of her choices.

I know this sounds like it will just drive her away - but its actually be best way to kill the affair and the affair is what is taking her away. so you must kill the affair to get back your wife.


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## calif_hope

If you get conclusive evidence proced immediately with expoure, AP work first and then wife.....you don't want wife alerting AP. I would purchase a VAR and keep with you to record conversations with wife and confratations with AP if she initiates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostInVirginia

Surveillance done. Suspicions confirmed.

I don't know how I am going to wait until our next counseling appointment (Thursday) to share this information, but both my attorney and therapist recommended doing so.

Considering the advice to expose the OW, but I want to see my wife's reaction to the news in front of the therapist. 

I am fine with moving on, but I just don't think that my wife's head is in the best place right now to make such an important decision.

Most importantly, I do not want my chiildren around this predatory *****.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

I would suggest exposing the OW first. that would be a better shock


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## Shaggy

Expose to the OW now and first.

Your wife's reaction in the counselling with either be:

1. Deny.

2. Admit, and tell you she wants a divorce, and deny there is anything wrong with the OW.

---
Consider a different way this goes down:

You out the OW and make the affair public and costly to continue.

Then drama between OW and your WW happens

You then go to MC and talk about how you proceed now that the affair is out and open, and costly. Maybe even over.

---

I see waiting as just creating a drama situation - but there isn't any profit from it. Just drama.

The outing and then dealing with it in MC, means the MC session can be used to tackle the problem with all the cards on the table.


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## aug

Shaggy said:


> Expose to the OW now and first.


I agree.

Your next step should be to get a full panel of STDs, hepatatis, etc tests done. And for goodness sake, dont have sex with your wife till you know she's clean. You know her sexual partner had been sleeping around with others.

And on Monday, expose the affair partner. She's a habitual cheater (and your wife is scum for being part of it).

It's up to you if you want to stay married with someone with low morals.


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## Shaggy

Another reason to expose the OW is to show your wife that you aren't going to be anybodies fool.

The OW feels safe and able to mess with your marriage freely. She feels safe being able to advise your wife and tell your wife how weak, and unworthy of her love and respect you are.

By showing the OW there are consequences you will also be showing your wife that you will act to protect your family, and you deserve her respect. 

You don't play the OW's game on her terms and the OW does not get a free pass to mess with your family.

You also eliminate the OW's ability to provide support to your wife like she would if you waited until MC to confront her.

Keep in mind - MC is to teach the two of you how you can build your marriage to be better - It is not a court to bring evidence into and get her proven guilty or wrong. It's a classroom to teach you both.

So by knocking the OW for a loop, you two can use the classroom to work on learning how to deal with it.


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## Runs like Dog

When you're working up on the roof of the house and you drop a tool don't reach for it, because it's gone, man.


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## LostInVirginia

This forum has been great! Thank you for all of the support!

I really liked Shaggy's advice, and I am going to run with it.

I have already scheduled a meeting with the OW's employer (and asked them to keep it confidential) for Tuesday evening when I return from OOT. It was strange. When I called and spoke to her supervisor, his tone almost seemed to imply that he knew what it was regarding and was even a bit overly accommodating.

I plan on providing them with a DVD containing the video surveillance footage from Saturday night. I suspect her termination will be swift, and that my cheating wife will put two and two together. It will work well because it will give her 48 hours to really process this before our MC appointment on Thursday.

Thanks again for all of the help!

Will keep you all posted on how this plays out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

LIV,

I am glad you are taking control of the situation.

You and your children deserve better.

The OW is a predator. 

Good move with the PI and start moving your life forward even if it does not include the foggy WW.

She might wakeup, she might not but you certainly have.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Shaggy

Stay strong, and expect you wife to react badly until reality starts sinking in.

Do not beg at any point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234

Any updates?


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## LostInVirginia

What a week!

So, I returned home on Tuesday afternoon and went straight to the OW's employer. I gave them a copy of the DVD with the surveillance. It just showed the two of them at dinner, holding hands, stroking each other's forearms (in a more than "friendly" way). After dinner, the two of them were seen entering a gay bar together.

At that point, I stopped the surveillance. The PI was afraid his cover would be blown if he had entered since he literally sat next to them at dinner.

The OW's employer showed concern yet appreciation for my sharing of this information, and they said that they would take it under consideration.

The following afternoon, the OW was told that her job was on the line and that she would have to cancel the rest of her classes that day.

That night, I came home from work, and my wife questioned me if I was responsible for the OW's problems with her employer.

After a while, I broke down and told her that I was. I fully confessed...suspicions, PI, and all! My wife also shared that she was "somewhat" intimate with her later that night but that was the first time they had ever done so.

My wife deeply apologized and did not blame me for my actions (since she admitted that she had been lying to me). My wife also told me that SHE pursued the OW, NOT the other way around. Still not sure I believe that, but given how open and honest she was being, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

In fact, on Thursday, I even went back to the OW's employer and shared with them what my wife had told me (that the OW was NOT the predator), but the OW still ended up getting fired yesterday afternoon.

Since Wednesday night, my wife and I have had the best conversation we have had with one another in years. Unfortunately, the conversation has included the fact that she is convinced that she is a lesbian (at age 43) and wants to be with this OW ASAP.

We went to a MC the following day, and most of the time was spent with how we can ease our two wonderful daughters (9yo & 7yo) into this. Right now, our sole focus is that mommy and daddy will be happier apart, so now you have two homes to play in! The other aspect will not be discussed for years to come.

We have both filed for divorce and have agreed to work this out amicably for the sake of our girls.

I only hope we can keep it amicable because I am ready to move on!

LIV


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## happyman64

LIV,

I am sorry for the loss of your marriage.

You are too nice to your wife.

She is a liar. She is a cheat.

She is not a lesbian. She is bisexual.

The worst part is she is selfish to you, your kids and your marriage.

The OW should have lost her job. Her behavior is wrong and her employer was right to terminate.

I truly hope you find a good woman who knows her sexual boundaries and will love you and your girls.

You and your girls deserve better, go find it and never look back.

And sadly, mark my words, your selfish wife will realize what she lost and want it back. Move forward with your life.

HM64


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## aug

LostInVirginia said:


> What a week!
> 
> So, I returned home on Tuesday afternoon and went straight to the OW's employer. I gave them a copy of the DVD with the surveillance. It just showed the two of them at dinner, holding hands, stroking each other's forearms (in a more than "friendly" way). After dinner, the two of them were seen entering a gay bar together.
> 
> At that point, I stopped the surveillance. The PI was afraid his cover would be blown if he had entered since he literally sat next to them at dinner.
> 
> The OW's employer showed concern yet appreciation for my sharing of this information, and they said that they would take it under consideration.
> 
> The following afternoon, the OW was told that her job was on the line and that she would have to cancel the rest of her classes that day.
> 
> That night, I came home from work, and my wife questioned me if I was responsible for the OW's problems with her employer.
> 
> After a while, I broke down and told her that I was. I fully confessed...suspicions, PI, and all! My wife also shared that she was "somewhat" intimate with her later that night but that was the first time they had ever done so.
> 
> My wife deeply apologized and did not blame me for my actions (since she admitted that she had been lying to me). My wife also told me that SHE pursued the OW, NOT the other way around. Still not sure I believe that, but given how open and honest she was being, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> In fact, on Thursday, I even went back to the OW's employer and shared with them what my wife had told me (that the OW was NOT the predator), but the OW still ended up getting fired yesterday afternoon.
> 
> Since Wednesday night, my wife and I have had the best conversation we have had with one another in years. Unfortunately, the conversation has included the fact that she is convinced that she is a lesbian (at age 43) and wants to be with this OW ASAP.
> 
> We went to a MC the following day, and most of the time was spent with how we can ease our two wonderful daughters (9yo & 7yo) into this. Right now, our sole focus is that mommy and daddy will be happier apart, so now you have two homes to play in! The other aspect will not be discussed for years to come.
> 
> We have both filed for divorce and have agreed to work this out amicably for the sake of our girls.
> 
> I only hope we can keep it amicable because I am ready to move on!
> 
> LIV



Wow, your wife is good! She knows how to deal with you.


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## Shaggy

Why the heck did you go back to the OW employer? 

Get a lawyer and demand that the OW note e allowed around your children.

Also expose this affair wide and far to family and friends. Do not mske it easy for them.

Astir your wife, she is going to pull a bunch of crap about her being entitled to explore her new. Found sexuality,

That's BS. The truth is that she is a Cheating spouse and you deal with her exaclty the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

And why would you want to amicable with a heating spouse who is walking away from the marriage? Why should she be treated soft and nice for being a disgusting cheater?

Ask yourself, if this was another guy she hooked with , would you still be acting this nice to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostInVirginia

Update...

As expected, the OW was only out to hurt my wife. The OW broke it off with my wife yesterday, and my wife was absolutely devastated! She reached out for support and began to realize what terrible decisions she had made. She was TRULY in a FOG! 

We talked last night until the wee hours of the morning as she begged for my forgiveness. We realized that it would take years to regain each other's trust, if ever.

We have committed to go to therapy for as long as we need to in order to discover if we should be together or not.

Fogginess is gone. Wife realizes that I will never be a doormat again. We will work on trying to repair the damage done to our marriage.

It turns out that exposing the OW was the best decision I have ever made. I can't thank you all enough for your support and your advice!

LIV


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## happyman64

LIV,

I am happy for you that you realize that cheating is wrong and you are not a doormat.

I also hope that your wife gets serious IC for her sexual orientation issues and infidelity.

Be strong. Set your conditions for reconciliation and make sure your wife understands them and agrees with them.

It is a long road but it can be a fruitful relationship if you can forgive her and learn to trust her again.

Her actions will tll you all you need to know.

BOL
HM64


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## Shaggy

You can also now give back to other folks dealing with cheating spouses.

Use your experience to educate them on the power and benefits of investigating and on exposing.

If you had sat passively back and did what your wife was telling you to do where would you be now?

Exposing and asking the affair costly to carryon is a huge tool for BS to use, regardless of the genders involved
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234

How does a man reconcile with a lesbian who's come out of the closet?


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## Runs like Dog

Boxing gloves?


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## warlock07

> Unfortunately, the conversation has included the fact that she is convinced that she is a lesbian (at age 43) and wants to be with this OW ASAP.


Remember this. It wasn't hard to cheat , betray and deceive you first time. It won't be hard the 2nd time either. She knows your buttons. be very very careful


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## BigBadWolf

zsu234 said:


> How does a man reconcile with a lesbian who's come out of the closet?


Already noted in this thread, in this case his wife is bisexual, as many many many women are.

I can speak to many issues concerning this, but that is for another thread, another time.

In this case, his wife telling him she wants to "explore her sexuality" = ILYBINILWY.


To the OP, I commend you for exposing the affair and standing strong.

However, I want to warn you of something very obvious from this thread, that you gave way too much leeway on giving your wife freedom to "explore her sexuality", and I feel you have not yet gotten out of the woods yet. 

As appropriate as tolerance to homosexuals is, it is NOT appropriate to confuse this with tolerating a cheating spouse. 

Cuckolding is cuckolding, regardless of gender, and you willing to tolerate it under you nose, and especially without realizing it, a sure fire way to lose your wife's respect to you. 

Lose that, and you WILL lose the marriage, whether now, or again in the future.

All "man up" and doormat talk aside, let me make this one thing perfectly clear: 

Deal with all affairs, ALL affairs, including same sex affairs, the same way- directly, calmly, but swiftly, even coldly, fighting to win.

Yes, you did right to expose. Perfectly right actually and I commend you.

But, you did flounder and backpeddle and almost lost it all when you went back to tell school that the OW was the victim. On this, you simply got LUCKY, that they didn't believe your wife's lie. 

Had the OW not lost her job, the OW would have still been a serious threat to your marriage.

And I wonder, will you continue to packpeddle concerning what your wife did when it comes time to confront the affair and make a decision on reconciliation?

For your benefit and success, I will ask you to do some things on this forum, to prepare you for the upcoming time that you and your wife are in therapy.


1. Read every link in the "nice guy" sticky in Men's Forum. Get beyond making some judgment on whether it applies to you, or whether it is not politically correct or whatever, and get to the point that you really understand the hard won truths there, whether you even fully agree with them or not. 

Then when you see these patterns emerge in your future counceling and relationship building (and they will), you can deal with the situations with good understanding and eyes wide open.


2. Spend time in Coping with Infidelity forum, and learn the patterns and life cycles of affairs and recovery, the language and lingo, from the initial lies and deciet from "the fog", to "rugsweeping" and "hysterical bonding" pitfalls that often derail reconciliation. 

On these, you are still smack dab in the danger area.


3. Take time for yourself, in your own thoughts away from this painful process, and be honest with yourself what you want in life, in marriage, and in a spouse, and create a SOLID vision for yourself to work to create and achieve. 

Do not get caught up in some mentality that you only do what needs to be done to reconcile, or to quickly get through this tough time, but see this right now for what it is, that you WILL be moving on to a new relationship no matter what, even if it is with the same woman, your wife, or some new woman you may meet in the future. 

So to build this future, YOUR future that YOU desire, YOUR dream, YOU decide what kind of man you must be to achieve your dreams, and YOU do the hard work and heavy lifting to become this man. 

In this way, taking time for yourself to work out this process will help you through the cloudy, unsure times that sadly are coming, so that you move forward, in strength, integrity, and respect, with your own vision as clear and bright as the sun.

I wish you well.


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## LostInVirginia

Another update...

Wife has admitted that she has always found women attractive but says that she has made some terrible decisions as of late. In fact, she even said that she was "in a fog" (her words, not mine) and that is NOT a lesbian.

She has had no contact with the OW (I know because I can GPS her phone at any time and I can tell who she texts and calls from her cell phone bill).

Again, I am so glad that I exposed the OW! The OW is out of our lives, and I truly feel like I have my wife back. Call it a mid-life crisis? I don't know, but I do know that we have a LOT of work to do (lots of counseling - both together and individually).

In the end, I think our relationship will be stronger than ever. WW also knows that I will NOT tolerate such behavior ever again. Some will say that I am too forgiving, but I truly think that she was not in her right state of mind.

Thanks again to all for your support!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

LIV
Good news for you. Stay vigilant, monitor her activities and good counseling for both of you is the right way to go.

I am glad you set your conditions to R. That is important for the future.

Good Luck,
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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