# Ughhh wife and old friend



## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

hi everyone, i just stumbled upon this site today, which i think is quite awesome! Sorry if this is long, but i feel the need to share my story and talk 'out loud' to get some fumes off my chest, and input would be awesome. First off, a little history on us. Both 27/28 yrs old. She is stubborn as ish, i'm soft as a pillow (working on that). I consider myself a very loving, supportive, loyal spouse. I've never focused my attention on anything but her, since we've been together. No cheating by either of us, that, i'm sure of. Something in me has switched recently, giving me the confidence to stand my ground (maybe it was the 28th bday lol). After searching, this seems to be a common story, so i'll try not to bore haha

So, starting 3 weeks ago, my wife of 2 years friends an ex from highschool, someone she hasn't really talked to since highschool. Definitely has not talked to him since we've been together (6.5 years) until now. She was cool in answering my questions about him. She said they only dated for about a month freshman year, mutually broke up, blahblah. I noticed she had some messages back and forth with him. Whatever, catch up, that's cool. 

Couple days go by and i find that she is now texting him. Not just texting occasionally, i mean over 100 texts per day (this is definitely out of the ordinary). I noticed this by paying my att bill and seeing the mass amount of texts to the same number while both of us are at work. Later that evening, she has her phone on her constantly, i kinda poke my nose around, letting her know i'm on to something. I also did not want to blow this up, as the next day, we were taking off to Kauai for a '2nd honeymoon'. 

So i let it slide, and notice the morning we're about to take off, she is still texting back and forth with this dude. I was able to notice her text something along the lines of 'ohhh i'm about to get TSA searched'. That right there, lit me up. Again, i held it in, regretfully. I ask her not to be texting all day while on such a beautiful trip. This is really ticking me up at this point, as she is clearly flirting with and getting emotionally into this guy.

In Kauai, she exchanges a few texts back and forth with him and now is deleting their conversations. We have a great time there with some undeniable tension between us, but really it was just too beautiful there and worries were pushed aside.

We get home, and now game's on for me. I check att occasionally and find all the same crap. Basically what's gone on this week is she and him have been texting, again over 100x per day, BUT only while at work. She deletes all messages, and once home, pretends nothing's going on. Come today, i've had enough of it, confirm it's still going on, search around online to make sure i'm not being overly jealous, and plan my attack.

After dinner, I sit her down, and start talking at low volume, don't want to scare her. Assure her i love her with all my heart, all that, and proceed to the issue. I told her what she's doing is disrespectful, out of line, and not acceptable. That she needs to cut all communication with said guy, and that i will give her the opportunity to cut things off before i step in. I say more, but mostly all along the same lines. Never raised my voice. She sat there and took it, didn't say anything. Then got up, upset and left the house. That was expected, as she usually has to clear her mind after i bring something up.

Basically, that's where i am right now lol That happened about an hour ago, I'm still fuming some, but feel relieved at the same time, as i believe i'm doing the right thing. Something that should have been done a little bit ago, but nonetheless, had to be done. Btw, she's texted guys before and kept in touch. I don't care so much for it, but i allow it. This has been excessive, and i feel is turning into an emotional affair. I'd love any input, really would appreciate it! if you made it this far, thanks!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Texting an old boyfriend while on an allegedly romantic vacation with her husband? Classy gal you have there. For what it's worth, I think you handled it well. 100 texts per day??? What straight man has that much to say to a woman he's not sexually interested in? I can't think of 100 things I have to say to an ex wife, let alone some girl I dated in high school only a month.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

lol yeah, classy right? even on our most boring days at work, we don't text each other that much. I appreciate the comment that you think i handled it well, i really wanted to make sure i make my point clear on this. This is serious stuff.

And to add insult to injury. While she's flirting with this dude at work before the trip, i'm working my butt off to make sure all things are in place for the trip, reservations are made and all that stuff. so disheartening


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I wonder what the content of the text/phone call that she had when she left the house all upset.

Damage control and I hate my H kind of stuff.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fme,

You handled this perfectly. Great job.

One thing concerns me, though. Your comment about only focussing your attention only on her. This is Nice Guy Syndrome. It's also related to why your wife thought it was ok to chat up an ex.

You focus totally on her, and her needs, and in doing so, you inadvertently devalue yourself in the relationship. She picked up on this and either consciously or not, started thinking of you as less important than her needs and wants in the marriage. The potential EA with the Ex demonstrated this.

Go into the Mens Forum. Read up on Nice Guys in the sticky post inside the forum. You may just see yourself in that description.

Has she blame shifted yet? Or said..We are just Friends? I hope you cut that off at the legs. 

Keep up the work enforcing your boundaries. This is critical. It's like tough love, but it shows you are worthy of respect.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

tell me about it! believe it or not, she is surprisingly respectful when she leaves... runs to the mall, grabs some dessert or something. not the rest of the time... go figure...

She's back home now, though upstairs. i won't communicate with her yet though. I'm hoping she will take care of this douche on her own, i'd rather not have to step in =(


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

dude, alphaomega, you hit this right on the head. i'm the definition of the nice guy. I've always put her on a pedestal, and she's always been on one her whole life. Only recently have I realized my own fault and huge weakness and am wanting to change it. What you said makes complete sense.

I was not going to accept any excuses, and she didn't try to pull one. She did not try the blame shift but i know in her head, 'it's just friends' though she didn't say it out loud. I feel this is the clearest and best i've communicated a problem to her in all the time together. feels good actually


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Just friends is "hey how's it going..see you again in another 20 years". More than 100 text messages a day is anything but "just friends".


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

exactly, thanks for the reassurance of my take on this. I will not back down until he's completely out of the picture and make it clear this will not happen again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Welcome to your new journey! The journey of stopping the Nice Guy syndrome in you and Manning up for once in your relationship. Lots of us are taking this journey.

Go read those books...No more Mr Nice Guy, and...Hold onto your Nuts. They are excellent for giving you direction in your journey. Go to the Mens Forum and ask a lot of questions. Conrad, MEM, Deejo, AtholK and others are masters at this. Go to Marriedmansexlife.com and read up on putting a little Alpha Male back in your life. Atholk and that web site has an awesome book out for being more Alpha and getting lots of sex because of it, because you need that Alpha male in you to build desire in your wife. Read up on fitness tests (sh$t tests), because your wife, being a princess, probably gave you a lot, and you probably failed most of them. Don't feel bad, I did too! So did a lot of others!

Your attitude is great. Keep this up. Some people have a hard time just coming to terms with our "weakness". Lol. But everyone grows at thier own pace. You seem ahead of the curve already.

Keep up the work with your wife. You are doing great. You also seemed to catch it early, which is an excellent thing! She may not have evolved into the love addiction yet, so coming out of it ay be easier for her. stick to your guns. Whatever excuse she gives you...shoot it down right away. That's her trying to justify keeping her "friend" and reduce her guilt, because she DOES know it's wrong. This whole thing follows a script, and it's amazing how accurate the script is. I don't think I've seen a case where the script wasn't followed to a T.

Me, I had to show serious tough love and kick my wife out before she came to her senses, and even then there was multiple regressions from her with her "friend"

I agree that this is more than just friends. It's the start of a full blown emotional affair. But at least you didn't get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. That speech means she's trapped in the affair fog, and bringing her out of that addiction is the hardest thing in the world.

Feels good, doesn't it...about Manning up. Recognize this feeling, remember that this is you before you put your wife on a pedestal. I'm 9 months into my journey, and I feel like a new man. Go read " Does this feeling ever Get old" in the men's forum. That's just a taste of my success in my manning up journey. Lots of us have had lots of successes, and it's awesome!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

actually just ordered no more mr. nice guy. haha can't wait to see her reaction when she sees me read this at night!

I'm glad it sounds like you're getting your marriage under control, something i hope to be saying soon!

So here's to another day and hopefully a more positive ending. I have managed to find out the dude is married, but i'm really thinking he's either in process of divorce or will be soon. I say this in just general stuff found on fb, and obviously his flirting with my wife. I'm quite sure this guy has no good intentions and am disappointed my wife can't pick this stuff up.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I hate to say it, but she is already cheating. She is having an EA with this guy.

You can't trust her to end it. You have to make some demands for transparency. That means she has to share her email and phone passwords with you, send him a letter of no contact (that you also see) and get some counseling.

You are naive if you think this will be her last Ea. She did it for a reason....she needs the excitement and ego boost. That isn't going to go away because it's a symptom of a larger issue.

You need to make her earn back your trust and she has to know that she's really got some work to do in order for you to stay in the marriage. Stop making her your world. This does not make you attractive to her and it limits your own life. You can be a dedicated husband while living a full life with jobs, friends, hobbies that won't conflict with marriage.

Maybe as a guy you think because she didn't sleep with him that this is minor, but this guy and your wife have been engaging in something that could keep her from focusing on you and the marriage in the future. Of course, it's pure fantasy what they are doing, but it's damn appealing to men and women who don't want to deal with their life or feelings of inadequacy. He can be her perfect hero on text because she doesn't have to deal with him in real life - his farting, bad breath, annoying habits, etc. She can project what she wants onto him and he can do the same via text. This will drive a wedge between you two.

SO don't trust that it's over. Verify everything she says because she's already proven she's willing to be deceitful and to put your relationship on the back burner for this loser.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. But don't tell her your reading it. Don't discuss it with her. Just read it and implement it. This is all about you. Making YOU a stronger man. You don't need her approval or comments on reading it. Letting her know your reading it is your Nice Guy subconscious trying to gather approval from her for changing, and trying to see if she will like that your changing. That doesn't matter. You need to like it. She gets to see the results. Chances are, shell like what she sees in the new you.

This is Your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yrs, Laurae is speaking directly from the Stopping Affairs manual. It is great advise.

Me, I'm the type that would call up OM and tell him to Fk off and get out of my marriage. But that's not for everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

you're absolutely right laurae. I already consider her as having an emotional affair. The damage is done. I have given her today to set things straight, to tell the guy off or i am doing it after work. I'm putting the ball in her hands this last time. I probably am naive, but i'll give her one last opportunity to save any trust left at this point. It would be very very tough to get her into counseling. I'm going to have to fly solo on this for a while and do all i can. And yes, i will be verifying EVERYthing that is said that i possibly can. thanks again everyone


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

I think your wife is in a difficult position. No doubt she loves the attention from the OM, and he's probably kept the exchanges innocent enough so far that she can fall back on the "just friends" defense. But I agree with Unbelievable:


unbelievable said:


> 100 texts per day??? What straight man has that much to say to a woman he's not sexually interested in? I can't think of 100 things I have to say to an ex wife, let alone some girl I dated in high school only a month.


The guy's obviously encroaching on your marriage by hitting on your wife, so if it bothers you, you should ask him why he thinks it's OK, and suggest he stop. (If you have the phone bills, you must have contact info. on him.) Your wife shouldn't have to stand up to jerks like this. And if she's enjoying the attention, and has bought the line that women can be "just friends" with every guy that's hitting on 'em, she probably won't want to anyway.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

scottt, i agree with you for the most part. My wife is not off the hook though, imo. Her flirting and constant texting with this dude is feeding whatever (we all know) he's looking for. I know she's also enjoying the attention from him. She's opening the door for him to make certain comments, converse about certain things, and get certain ideas that just should not be. To me, both of them are acting inappropriately. She needs to be able to identify and stop these things on her own. right?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fme,

In comparison, that's like asking a heroin addict to stop abusing on thier own. If she's thrilling from the flirting, she's got PEA chemicals zooming around her brain. Just as addictive as heroin, btw.

She needs an intervention....which comes in the form of the proverbial foot in the ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Does this guy live within driving distance of you?


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

oh, alpha there has been quite a beat down so far (not literally) lol. I have made myself extremely clear and will not be backing down on this. No matter what she pulls.

Unfortunately, yes, this guy lives fairly close.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Fme, just to reiterate and hopefully drive home to you what Alphaomega said, that book No More Mr Nice Guy is for you and you alone. Don’t show your wife. The thing with this stuff is “to be”, that is not to make any explanations (that’s a weakness and one you’d probably end up defending, not a good start at all), just make the changes and “be” the new person.

You may also want to consider asking to have your thread moved over to the Coping with Infidelity forum, some seriously good advice going on over in there. And spend time in the Men’s Clubhouse.

Bob


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow! Your Man Up progression is on the fast track!

Your doing great. Keep it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

yes, thank you for the enforcement afeh. she will not know about it. I will take a look in that forum, thanks

Alpha, i've made my case. As much as I wish, I know this is not over yet. I'm preparing for more on this later today and over the weekend. She's a tough one


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

fme said:


> To me, both of them are acting inappropriately. She needs to be able to identify and stop these things on her own. right?


If it were me, I'd go for the quick and easy approach instead. Your wife is acting inappropriately, but since she's already in the middle of this one, she may not be able to realize it, or at least admit it. Even if you could convince her, it would take a while, and when you did, it would make her feel bad and stupid (which she's being). If you talk to the OM instead, he'll probably just move on to his next victim and leave your wife alone.

We've had quite a few ducks in our yard this year, and I've noticed that the males are quite protective of their mates. Whenever there's quacking and flapping, it's always one male trying to chase off another. The females just sort of stand there wiggling their tails.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

fme said:


> scottt, i agree with you for the most part. My wife is not off the hook though, imo. Her flirting and constant texting with this dude is feeding whatever (we all know) he's looking for. I know she's also enjoying the attention from him. She's opening the door for him to make certain comments, converse about certain things, and get certain ideas that just should not be. To me, both of them are acting inappropriately. She needs to be able to identify and stop these things on her own. right?


Unfortunately, she probably can't stop it because she is in the fog.
True, she knows that what she is doing is wrong, that it upsets you and probably even is aware that this could cause serious damage, if not outright destruction, to your marriage, but she loves the attention she is getting.

Loverboy will use this as a major advantage, because we all know, thru the eyes of a man, that a woman who does not say "no" is just a woman who has not yet said "yes".

Right now is the best time to pull the plug on this, and you are doing great so far, but soon, she may start convincing herself that her happiness is too important to her to consider your feelings.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fme said:


> oh, alpha there has been quite a beat down so far (not literally) lol. I have made myself extremely clear and will not be backing down on this. No matter what she pulls.
> 
> Unfortunately, yes, this guy lives fairly close.


So if she storms out after an argument you hve no way of knowing if she is going there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fme said:


> scottt, i agree with you for the most part. My wife is not off the hook though, imo. Her flirting and constant texting with this dude is feeding whatever (we all know) he's looking for. I know she's also enjoying the attention from him. She's opening the door for him to make certain comments, converse about certain things, and get certain ideas that just should not be. To me, both of them are acting inappropriately. *She needs to be able to identify and stop these things on her own. right?*


A big negative here buddy.

Ok, so umteen years ago I was in an EA. I was in denial. I swore I was not. It was getting worse by the day. My wife saw this and called me on it. It was not until some time later I came out of the fog long enough to realize she was right. It took me six weeks plus to go through withdrawal. Total NC.

I love my wife dearly for helping me through this and not not writing me off.

As partners you have to look out for one another. So when you deal with this, she is going to fight you. But you are doing it for both of you. Tough love.

She cannot do it alone. It is too far gone. Stop it before it goes too far. It will not fix it self. You must insist NC.

Affairs are an addiction. We are talking dopamine and oxytocin. It IS chemical.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

okay you guys sure are convincing. here's the rundown. very limited, basically no communication today with me. also, in checking att, no communication with the guy. i believe she is at her parents house right now (a hunch). Shall i contact this dude right now? tell him off? i've not had to do this before, but does the dude usually instantly stay out of the picture?


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

I honestly believe she is not with him right now. She has no texts or calls put in to him thru the cell... yes i know there are other channels. You guys probably will not like this, but for the remainder of today and going on to tomorrow, i will be keeping my eye out for anything and everything. I am going to reinforce that there will be no contact between them. The second i find she disrespects my demand, i will contact the guy and then deal with wifey. sound good? totally stupid? too naive?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It depends on the dude. He may just give you the...it's all innocent....line to. Then..he may or may stop contact for a few days. A week. Then, what comes next is fishing. She or he may send an innocent enough exchange. Hi. How are you doing? Then, maybe...a...Miss you. Been thinking about you. 

Then, it all starts over again.

Of course, the dude could be a douce and not care what you think.

If you call him up, be as calm as possible. He has to know your above threats. You are calm, collected, and mean business. You need to be the man that has it all in control and doesn't take sh$t.

Is he married or have a significant other? If do, the sure fire way to kill his jive is to tell the wife or girlfriend. If you have evidence, all the better...she may not believe you. Remember, he will act with her the same way your wife is acting with you. But telling the wife or girlfriend makes it harder for him to continue his sh$t because he will be having to do his own damage control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Go read about exposure under the Coping With Infidelity forum sticky. Lots of advise there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

thanks again everyone. okay, have actually had some communication with the wife now. It seems she genuinely is understanding and respectful of my demand. She also stated she's going to need some time to move through this with me. I take this as moving on from this situation and back into the relationship we had prior to this fiasco (hopefully with an even stronger foundation). Right now, i feel that if she is willing to respect me, i can respect her wish and move back into the swing slowly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fme said:


> thanks again everyone. okay, have actually had some communication with the wife now. It seems she genuinely is understanding and respectful of my demand. She also stated she's going to need some time to move through this with me. I take this as moving on from this situation and back into the relationship we had prior to this fiasco (hopefully with an even stronger foundation). Right now, i feel that if she is willing to respect me, i can respect her wish and move back into the swing slowly.


Just so we are clear. Slowly never works for NC. It must be immediate, absolute and totally verifiable. Not just her telling you. That never, ever, ever works.

I can see her needing time to ignite your relationship. But not time to end the other.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I like the idea of contacting the OM or OM's wife, but be warned, it could backfire.

He, of course, will give you the old "I don't know what you're talking about" defense, swear up and down that he isn't "after" you're W, etc., then he may tell your W of the confrontation, saying "Do you know what your psycho husband just accused me of?", possibly say that you threatened him, and then your W will be in your face, with her defenses:

"Why did you do that?"
"How could you embarrass me like that?"
"We're JUST friends."
"There's NOTHING going on."
"Your too paranoid."
"What, I can't have any friends?"
"Am I going to go through this every time a guy looks at me?"
"You're too controlling."
"You're invading my privacy."
"Couldn't you have just asked me? Did you have to go behind my back?"

Not saying she will, but be prepared.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mine said all those things. Every single one of them.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

okay, just wanted to give an update, as i hate reading threads without them

so wifey has clearly made conscious effort to change the way things were going. have not seen the guy pop up anywhere and she is no longer deleting messages from her phone. I believe using the terms emotional affair and emotionally cheating struck her hard and opened her eyes to what was going on. She's a good chick, and i know she didn't intend for things to go in the direction they were, but they never do right...? and yes, she confirmed she went shopping the night she stormed out with a number of purchases haha we're taking it slower to get back to the intimate part of the relationship, something we rarely do, but seems very appropriate this time.

i will continue to monitor, but so far, so good


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Perhaps you should "test" your W: tell her that you WILL contact the OM, and you BOTH will write a NC letter, and you WILL make sure that he gets it. 

See how she reacts-if she agrees, you're good.

If she acts horrified and begs you not to, then she's just hosing you.


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## mysteryman (Apr 15, 2011)

fme said:


> okay, just wanted to give an update, as i hate reading threads without them
> 
> so wifey has clearly made conscious effort to change the way things were going. have not seen the guy pop up anywhere and she is no longer deleting messages from her phone. I believe using the terms emotional affair and emotionally cheating struck her hard and opened her eyes to what was going on. She's a good chick, and i know she didn't intend for things to go in the direction they were, but they never do right...? and yes, she confirmed she went shopping the night she stormed out with a number of purchases haha we're taking it slower to get back to the intimate part of the relationship, something we rarely do, but seems very appropriate this time.
> 
> i will continue to monitor, but so far, so good


You said that you check the phone bills and this jerk number doesn't show up it could also mean that she has another phone that you are not aware of and has I good way of hiding it from you.

I am not saying this is so, but watch her closely, ladies are good at hiding things.


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## fme (Jun 17, 2011)

yeah, no extra phone or anything.

So things weren't over when i posted yesterday. We still hadn't had the 'talk' between us, to get everything on this off our chests. Until yesterday, it had mostly been me laying down what's going on and what needs to be done. She needed her chance to as well. She has come around to no contact with him for a long time. The start of the convo, she basically used the same kind of justifications all of you mentioned, which was awesome as i was totally prepared for them. Also found out something i need to work on that i have a feeling contributed to the flirting. She understands and has agreed to transparency to help build up the trust.

All in all, a very positive outcome so far that i think is going to be very beneficial to our marriage. Thank you everyone so far, and i know where i'll be coming if this isn't over or if there is something else that pops up


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Keep up the good work-you're on your way!


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