# stubborn husband



## puzzled1 (Sep 23, 2009)

hello, 

We've been married for 20+ years, two teen girls. Hubby is an admitted OCD control freak, who is getting worse by the day. Last week we argued because he didn't like the front grill of a SUV I was admiring, but I said I kinda do like it. He responded as he always does... "yeah, ofcourse you WOULD like it because I don't". I can't have my own opinion without feeling bad about it. I'm by nature a happy positive thinking person. He is negative, and bitter, but only with me and te kids. Our kids are good, accomplished involved kids, but their kids. He makes them feel like they're always falling short of his approval. I've discussed this with him and now he belittles me, and then pouts about it. If things don't go HIS way, he's mad. He will occasionally concede, but he'll remind me several times that he did. He complains if the kids leave without giving him a kiss, but yet he NEVER reaches out to them. He expects everyone to come to him. 

He drives down the street making angry comments about how stupidly a car is parked, how he wants to move because of all the "F-ing" kids in the CDS, He complains that the neighbors have too much furniture on their porch (they have two rockers). He complains that his brother-in-law bought the wrong truck...that he should have bought one with an extra cab. I've been hearing this one for THREE YEARS!! He complains about and to the kids daily. Can't give a compliment without it being followed by some negative comment. This is how his mother is, and for years, I used to ask him why she is always unhappy. Now it's him. He seems to be his most content when he has destroyed everyone elses mood. I can't live like this anymore. There's no laughter, no fun, I dread being home when he is, yet I miss the fun loving person he used to be. I want to talk to him about going to counseling himself, but anything I say is construde as an attack. Several months ago, we had a talk wherein he broke down, and told me that his parents fought non-stop, and he doesn't want to be like that, yet it seems like he is recreating his childhood environment, because he is comfortable there??? Please help.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He needs counseling.


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## puzzled1 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks Dobo, I know. He and we need counseling, but I know he sees the problems, but equates it to my disagreeing with him. Admittedly, we do disagree alot on parenting. He is the youngest of three, by at least 5 years, the golden child of the family, and I'm one of 8, right in the middle. He believes in military style parenting, and I believe in positive encouragement. Recently, our 18yo started college, and moved out because she cannot tolerate his negativity and nitpicking all the time. Since her job is very near our house, I told him she's probably going to come home for lunch and a visit. his reply was to tell her to bring her own sack lunch, because she doesn't live here anymore, and if she's not going to do things his way, meaning live at home, and leave when HE thinks she's ready, he's not going to help her at all. We aren't. She pays her own rent, yes she uses a car of ours to get to and from work and school, but he also wanted to take that away... He is a bitter bitter bitter aweful person, who won't acknowledge it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He disagrees with everything. He's got a very negative way of interpreting everything. That can't be about you.

Ask him if he enjoys being around people who are generally in a good mood. Ask him if being around people who are positive is better than being around people who are negative. Ask him if he feels he is a positive or negative person and how other people feel being around him. 

Then ask him if he is happy.

Then ask him if he'd like to be happier.

Then ask him if he'd like the two of you to be happier.

Then ask him to consider counseling for both your happiness.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I use to be very negative, not to that extreme. I never noticed how bad it was until my husband left. I have been working on myself alot. The first book I read and still feel it helped the most was "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Here is a quote 
"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath" 
However if he is just not ready, it won't affect him. I wish it didn't take my life to fall apart for me to realize.
Try to remember you can't change someone else, but you can influence them to make changes by the way you act towards them.


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## puzzled1 (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks again for your responses. I will take your suggestions and see if he will consider. If not, I'll be flying solo.


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