# Here are questions I have been dying to ask



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Seeing as we do not touch on the obvious question here and I will never be able to get a straight answer from my former spouse, I would love to get responses from spouses on here (who have cheated on their spouses) the answer to the following questions.

I recognize that these are sensitive in nature but they appear to be the "elephant in the room" to which few want to address.

1) How much did dissatisfaction with sexual activity with your current (or former) spouse lead you to cheat?

2) If you reconciled with your spouse - did you ever compare your spouse's sexual performance to that of the AP?

3) If so, did you ever view the AP as a better lover?

4) If so, did you share this with your spouse?

For me, I always think what would make me reconcile and what would prevent me from reconciling. These thoughts alone would keep me from ever reconciling and I believe in a marriage there should be complete openness, if so, how do spouses get over this?


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Seeing as we do not touch on the obvious question here and I will never be able to get a straight answer from my former spouse, I would love to get responses from spouses on here (who have cheated on their spouses) the answer to the following questions.
> 
> I recognize that these are sensitive in nature but they appear to be the "elephant in the room" to which few want to address.
> 
> ...


I foresee many BS's triggering hard from this thread. I'm not sure you'll get many (if any) WS's answering - but I'm curious to see if they do.

Totally off topic - but are you a guitar player, OP?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If I was ever stupid enough to actually ask WH those questions I would expect him to tell me the truth or to lie, whichever was going to make me feel better. We are over 3 years into R.

Honestly, why would you want to know that?? And how is the WH supposed to answer the BS if they ask that? Especially if the AP WAS better in bed. 

That's just opening a can of worms that's best left buried very very deeply.

Of course, if you aren't R ing and don't care what the BS thinks, then by all means hurt their feelings even more.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My exW told me when we signed the divorce paperwork that if I were more of a man she wouldn't have had to cheat on me. But since I am now happily married and she is a fat loser who hasn't had another successful long term relationship I don't value her opinion. It is just as likely that the one who cheated is the bad sex partner as the one cheated on. After all it takes two doesn't it? Infidelity has nothing to do with sex, good or bad. It has everything to do with the cheater having bad boundaries and even worse judgement.


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I can't answer all of these questions. Mine was an EA online that started from asking my husband for an "open marriage" and it progressed past his conditions to cheating.

It wasn't a dissatisfaction for my husband's performance that caused me to cheat. I had been unhappy for awhile in the marriage in terms of emotional intimacy. After repeated talks with him about it, I asked him to add someone else. I had a choice to leave him or cheat. I took the easy way out. It's not his fault, my actions are not his fault. It was my choice too. It was a selfish choice.

If it progressed to a PA, I would give him the entire truth tactfully. When we both were talking about the things that were wrong in our marriage and the EA and his revenge EA, we had to be truthful to each other. It is one of the many steps for a successful R. 

Sex does not lead anyone to cheat. Nothing does. Most of the time, cheating does not happen in a vacuum, either. A person has a choice to cheat or not. If their boundaries are strong, then they won't.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> If I was ever stupid enough to actually ask WH those questions I would expect him to tell me the truth or to lie, whichever was going to make me feel better. We are over 3 years into R.
> 
> Honestly, why would you want to know that?? And how is the WH supposed to answer the BS if they ask that? Especially if the AP WAS better in bed.
> 
> ...


I can respect that you would not want to know those things. But certainly there are BS's who do want/need to know those things, no matter how painful.

Not wanting to know might be considered rug sweeping by some. However, that is up to each individual BS. I think the fear is that knowing each and every gory detail might make R impossible. But I don't fault a BS who needs to know it all, regardless of the outcome. I also don't fault anyone for not wanting to know.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Seeing as we do not touch on the obvious question here and I will never be able to get a straight answer from my former spouse, I would love to get responses from spouses on here (who have cheated on their spouses) the answer to the following questions.
> 
> I recognize that these are sensitive in nature but they appear to be the "elephant in the room" to which few want to address.
> 
> ...


These are issues my wife and I never addressed or talked about I was able to bury the idea that they had sex so deep that I could ignore it.

Probably not healthy, but that's how I handled it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Healer said:


> I can respect that you would not want to know those things. But certainly there are BS's who do want/need to know those things, no matter how painful.
> 
> Not wanting to know might be considered rug sweeping by some. However, that is up to each individual BS. I think the fear is that knowing each and every gory detail might make R impossible. But I don't fault a BS who needs to know it all, regardless of the outcome. I also don't fault anyone for not wanting to know.


:iagree:


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I did get my WW to talk about it somewhat honestly (with the usual backtracking then clarifying and back and forth nature). So the answer to 4 is a yes.
1). Didn’t really impact it. She knew she was ‘why’ she had us sexless. But she also knew it was an attraction thing with me.
2). She claims she doesn’t, but has slipped up enough to know that she did. That led to #3.
3). Yes, her LTPA was a better lover. But that isn’t really the whole truth. It had nothing to do with anything I was or was not doing exactly. It’s all in her own perceptions and how she morphs things around. 

At the time, she had convinced herself I just used her for sex... So that made all sex with me a bad thing she wouldn’t allow herself to enjoy. She didn’t feel that way about her LTPA; It was special and didn’t carry the same baggage or high expectations and resentments into it. For him, he got excuses in her head... for me, I got blame and resentment about anything wrong in her life. See how that might affect how you rank as a lover? 

She was out to prove he was a better lover and I was a loser. So of course the LTPA was going to be better... he was the fantasy she created for herself and I was the villain. 

Because we are in R. I ripped apart her ideas that she was anything more than a sex object for him. Just a booty call. I proved it to her using her own timeline and what dirt I’d pulled up on the guy from PUA websites and his bragging. (She almost vomited seeing his post about how easy she was) MC helped her see that me wanting sex and needing it to feel loved is not ‘using’ her. It is important to me. That’s why I complained and seemed to focus on the lack. Now she feels really stupid and pathetic for being so self-centered at assuming the worst in me and the best in others.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Writer said:


> ........
> It wasn't a dissatisfaction for my husband's performance that caused me to cheat. I had been unhappy for awhile in the marriage in terms of emotional intimacy.



I'm genuinely interested in this - what exactly do you mean by this?


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I'm genuinely interested in this - what exactly do you mean by this?


The sex life was fine. We made love regularly; still do. Back then, we were having sex about every other day. We rarely talked about our emotions, and he rarely touched me, besides sex.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Our sex life had a major bearing in my decision to cheat. My wife unilaterally shut it down, and wasn't open once every few weeks. It wasn't the fact that it was vanilla (which it was), but the frequency primarily. 

I never reconciled; as a matter of fact, I never had sex with my STBX. I would say that either if my affair partners was a better sex partner than my STBX, if nothing else because they were obviously interested in a sexual relationship. Would they have been like that after 5 or ten years? That's the real question, and I have no idea. But I met my current gf just after leaving my marriage, and we started off with fireworks. Now, coming up on almost 3 years, we still light up the sheets regularly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Writer said:


> I can't answer all of these questions. Mine was an EA online that started from asking my husband for an "open marriage" and it progressed past his conditions to cheating.
> 
> It wasn't a dissatisfaction for my husband's performance that caused me to cheat. I had been unhappy for awhile in the marriage in terms of emotional intimacy. After repeated talks with him about it, I asked him to add someone else. I had a choice to leave him or cheat. I took the easy way out. It's not his fault, my actions are not his fault. It was my choice too. It was a selfish choice.
> 
> ...


The only smart answer when your spouse asks for an open marriage is to tell then instead you are giving them total and complete freedom permanently starting immediately , and that you will be moving on to look for their replace herb starting now. 

Thank them for honestly telling you the marriage had ended bad that they no longer intended to be faithful to you. Then send then on their way, because they just ended the marriage.

If your account tells you he is going to embezzle from you, you fire him.

If your spouse tells you they are not going to be faithful, you divorce them,


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The only smart answer when your spouse asks for an open marriage is to tell then instead you are giving them total and complete freedom permanently starting immediately , and that you will be moving on to look for their replace herb starting now.
> 
> Thank them for honestly telling you the marriage had ended bad that they no longer intended to be faithful to you. Then send then on their way, because they just ended the marriage.
> 
> ...


Oh, I agree with all of that now, Shaggy. Trust me. The open marriage happened five years ago. Our marriage is closed. Permantely. I'm a fervent believer that Open Marriages don't work, and it gives each spouse permission to cheat.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I didn't mean to be controversial but got a great PM from a poster who sent me a post where it was attention from the affair partner which lead to affair. That I get - I do not agree but understand. For me - if my ex came to me and said she as receiving attention from someone else as the reason - well, how come she closed the door on me. Affairs reek of entitlement and dishonesty. I mean, why shut the dor on the spouse who is there for you day-in and day-out and give some bozo at work open access? The more I think about it - the more upset I get.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

bigtone128 said:


> I didn't mean to be controversial but got a great PM from a poster who sent me a post where it was attention from the affair partner which lead to affair. That I get - I do not agree but understand. For me - if my ex came to me and said she as receiving attention from someone else as the reason - well, how come she closed the door on me. Affairs reek of entitlement and dishonesty. I mean, why shut the dor on the spouse who is there for you day-in and day-out and give some bozo at work open access? The more I think about it - the more upset I get.


Keep in mind that for many (some? Most?) of us cheating spouses in here will share what we were thinking AT THE TIME. We don't condone or encourage our decisions, and we'd advise against someone duplicating our decisions almost as much as any betrayed spouses here in CWI. And yes... Our decisions would be filled with selfishness and entitlement. Sorry bout that.

C


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm a BS here, but I imagine that the thrill of sex with a new partner, and all of the brain chemicals that go along with that, probably trumps sex with a long term partner in many ways. 

Even I have fantasies about sex with strangers (but have never acted on them)!


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I recognize that these are sensitive in nature but they appear to be the "elephant in the room" to which few want to address.
> 
> 1) How much did dissatisfaction with sexual activity with your current (or former) spouse lead you to cheat?
> 
> ...


My wife had not been interested in sex for ten years. She used to be but that suddenly changed. She was not having an affair. She was simply not interested in sex. 

I only compared the AP to my wife, when she asked and insisted on an answer. 

No, the AP was not a better lover than my wife was. Yes, I told my wife that. 

My wife also knows via email that the AP aggressively instigated the affair, she was simply available and willing and convenient.


----------



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

For me, I recognize that it was an emotional void my wife had that created a vulnerability that someone exploited. Was an EA that was progressing into an exit PA (never got that far, but was heading in that direction). We have reconciled and I believe that my wife will not go down that road again, partly due to the changes we've made in our marriage. 

I do know that I am much stronger, more knowledgeable, and better able to deal with infidelity now than ever before. And I don't mean "accepting" it, just better able to properly address it if I ever experience it again. Which I also believe I won't.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bfree said:


> My exW told me when we signed the divorce paperwork that if I were more of a man she wouldn't have had to cheat on me. But since I am now happily married and she is a fat loser who hasn't had another successful long term relationship I don't value her opinion. It is just as likely that the one who cheated is the bad sex partner as the one cheated on. After all it takes two doesn't it? Infidelity has nothing to do with sex, good or bad. It has everything to do with the cheater having bad boundaries and even worse judgement.


She *had *to cheat on you huh? Pathetic.. 

I always remember a line I think I read on here somewhere, that basically said something along the lines of 'your WS wasn't exactly a porn star in the bedroom either' .. I bet some folks even have incredible sex with no partner present, just some creativity and alone time... 

bfree is right.. the affair usually starts as 'friends', then boundaries are crossed, then justifications and excuses start.. The sex is probably better with AP at time of the affair, because that's where the heart of the WS is at.. after the affair, if the spouse is truly remorseful, they should feel a connection when they have sex with the BS. Unfortunate for them, the BS is now *not *feeling quite the same as they used to.. something that was precious and special, no longer has that quality.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

> angrybuttrying said:
> 
> 
> > For me, I recognize that it was an emotional void my wife had that created a vulnerability that someone exploited.
> ...


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> 1) How much did dissatisfaction with sexual activity with your current (or former) spouse lead you to cheat?


I definitely used a general dissatisfaction with our relationship as an excuse/rationalization but I don't think dissatisfaction with our sex life was a driving factor. 



bigtone128 said:


> 2) If you reconciled with your spouse - did you ever compare your spouse's sexual performance to that of the AP?


Hell no! The affair was a fantasy, there was nothing real about anything that occurred between that person and me. Any comparison would be grossly unfair and completely wrong. Early on I made a conscious effort not to think about that person at all, now I simply don't ever think about her. The affair opened my eyes to what I had right in front of me all along with my wife but I had allowed to become obscured by bad communication and unfounded resentments. Once my wife granted me second chance I've been completely focused on that and appreciating all the good things about her. Comparing and reminiscing about crap that never really meant anything but almost ruined many lives seems completely incompatible with reconciliation.


----------



## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

I just assume the worse. It's not like you ever get the truth or entire scope of the gory details. Insulated from the real world, affairs become sordid at the expense of the betrayed. How many posts on TAM are like this where, after the truth is finally out, it's always way worse than the original thinking of what may have happened? All? Most? Almost all?

I could be the awesomest Casanova ever, and it would pale to an affair partner in the midst of the affair. 

I could be willing to rock her world daily and be doing so during her affair and her affair partner would make me look stupid and clumsy. 

I know the answers. I saw them as videos she made and emails between her and them. It's every bit as awful and as bad. And no, having that level of detail hasn't helped a tiny bit. 

What helps is when the truth is all out, there is a safe passage of time, and the betrayed's head clears enough to begin making sense of it all like a human being again. Remorse and sincerity and love from the wayward matter more than awesome sex at that point.


----------



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> > I hope your wife is not claiming she was exploited.
> >
> > In an affair, one or the other may instigate the affair, but both people are responsible for continuing it.
> >
> ...


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Angrybuttrying:

You are extremely insightful. It's rare for a betrayed spouse to take any responsibility for what went wrong in the marriage. 

You are absolutely right. She was wrong to go outside the marriage to look for what was missing, but you standing up for her and admitting that you were not treating her well is a sign that your reconciliation will likely be strong. 

My wife also shouldered appropriate responsibility for our rift. 

We are now in a very strong reconciliation. 




angrybuttrying said:


> remorseful strayer said:
> 
> 
> > My wife is definitely not claiming she was exploited, nor is she blaming me for the affair. She has acknowledged that regardless of how crappy our marriage might have been, that what she did was UNBELIEVABLY wrong.
> ...


----------



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

_



1) How much did dissatisfaction with sexual activity with your current (or former) spouse lead you to cheat?

2) If you reconciled with your spouse - did you ever compare your spouse's sexual performance to that of the AP?

3) If so, did you ever view the AP as a better lover?

Click to expand...

_.....the big problem from the BS point of view ...should the WS sit down and answer the above is: What BS in his/her right mind would ever believe what they are being told?


----------

