# Protective of stb-x?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Even with lots of acrimony, do you ever find yourself tempted to or defending your stb-x's or ex's behavior or personality traits? As much as I post the faults of my ex here, the majority of the time, I find myself explaining to others the reasoning for her acts.

THe other day I saw a person I hadn't seen awhile. When she heard of my pending divorce she said something to the effect of:

"I am not surprised. A few of the things you said in the past indicated to me she wasn't a very nice person."

The thing is I was always pretty guarding of her reputation so it was pretty astute of her to pick up on it. I never knew this person well enough to confide my drama to her. 

Anyway, I wanted to almost say to her, "Oh no. . .she wasn't all that bad. Deep down, she's a good person. You got it all wrong!!!" And then I kind of laughed at myself - here it was a person offering her emotional support and I felt compelled to turn it away to protect my stb-x's way she treated me.

Any of you go through these conflicting emotions to champion your ex's reputation?

I have a very difficult time reconciling this in my head - she's my "opponent". . .yet I want to protect her and champion her.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Yes, very much so to such an extreme that I have not even told my family yet(he agreed to not tell his yet) that we are separated. It has only been 5 weeks for us but I still find myself defending to others that do know. I had always built him up to others so much that most people are going to have a hard time believing it.

I am still very protective of him the sad thing is I don't think it is mutual. The OW/Co-worker/Friend told me that he vented about me a lot and had said a lot of things. This is something I am having a hard time getting past. Even more so that I have never spoke negative about him to others in over 11 years.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, talk about conflicting feelings.

About an hour after I posted this and called my stb-x if I could have the kids on some extra days now that my schedule from work is in.

She basically said no, for no good reason in that my schedule with work is inconsistent and she wants a regular committment.

Right now, I have been taking the toddler every Tues. and I thought when the older boys were out of school I would take all of them. She said, "No. . .you cna't have the older two - just the baby." Now, she works all day so the older two have to go to camp or be latchkeyed instead of being with me?

SHe said, "That's my problem!"

She is basically withholding the older ones from me (I have no parenting schedule for them) out of spite.

The thing is I wanted the baby on his birthday and she said she wouldn't give him to me, that he was to be in daycare all day (I guess. . .she didn't indicate any alternative plans).

Talk about emotions - I emailed my attorney and piggybacked this experience on top of what he asked me to email him about. . .and I told him in a way, I really don't care. 

I am really resigned.

Whatever - get the kids or not get the kids. I can truly live either way. If she wants an involved father, I can do that, albeit it on an semi-regular schedule. And I would be happy. IF she wants another man to raise my offspring, well, I guess she's found a new family B**ch. I can be happy with that too, I think.

It does scare me that I really don't care that much one way or the other and I guess I should.

I wasn't actually looking forward to taking all 3 on Tuesday anyway. The older ones get bored as I have to take care of the toddler. I was really just doing it to be fair to all parties.

I was thinking of taking over a six pack of Coors Light and a pack of Camel cigarettes to her she is acting like white trash so much. My sophisticated wife reduced to white trash. Just drop off the cigarettes and beer and let her contemplate the meaning behind it.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Thats really too bad she would rather have the kids in daycare(even more on a birthday) or home alone instead of with their dad....if there is no real reason! 

That is one thing I consider myself really lucky is that when it comes to our kids we are both very active. When H wants to see them its not an issues even if it just for a quick lunch/dinner. I don't restrict him or anything and would never want to.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

finallyseewhy:

Would you care if he took one one night and the other another night as long as he was trying to be fair? I mean not exactly 50/50 because it can never be.

That's my conundrum. . .a 2 year old, 8 year old and 13 year old all have very different needs.

The 2 year old is all physical - he needs nourishment, baths, and lots of physical attention and affection, which I lavish on him every Tues.

The 13 year old needs social time and is starting to be more about his peers. I think he needs disipline though.

The 8 year old seems to like to just decompress with me (he's extremely, extremely active) - he'll just sit there and work on art while I do my thing and just make conversation.

She once cried to me, "Well I don't get any one on one time!!!" I replied, "Well, let's get you it!!!" I would be happy to take 2 of them and let her bond.

It was more about "me time" I think vs. "one-on-one time." That and boyfriend time. 

The boyfriend seems scarce lately. Hmmmmm.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

first off it sounds like she needs to be focusing less on her boyfriend....sorry but seriously her marriage is falling apart/divorce and that should be the LAST thing on her plate right now. 

My H and I have kids similar in your younger too. This is pretty much how our week works. He has them over nights 1-2x's a week. See's them WHEN ever he wants. He brings them to games/practice/dinner. His schedule is somewhat steady but it can change and when he has any spare time he will swing by and see them. We have shared(completely) custody and co-parent very well they live at home and I get child support but I would NEVER restrict him. He is a great dad and why would I want to interfere with that or hurt my kids anymore then they already are?

For example the next 2 weeks at H work is going to be very hectic and he is not going to really be able to see them so he asked if he could take them for the next 2 nights/3 days. Its killing to have them gone that long but they are with their dad. I try to be flexible as does he. I have never understood why someone would dangle children as a weapon.

I can't understand why she would want the kids in daycare or at home alone instead of being with one of their parents


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I have never understood why someone would dangle children as a weapon.
> 
> I can't understand why she would want the kids in daycare or at home alone instead of being with one of their parents


I totally agree - and the only answer I can come up with for your question is SPITE. 

I have zero respect for ANYONE who punishes their kids (which is exactly what keeping them from their other parent is) to spite their ex or anyone else. It's disgusting.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I know it's frustrating for my stb-x (here I am protecting her again). . .my schedule is all over the place other than I can reserve time for my children every Tuesday. 

Not optimal, like Saturdays or something but it is what it is.

She wants me to stop being self-employed but at this point, that actually means a drop in income for me, and at a time I can't afford it. And frankly, maybe this is selfish, but I don't want to (an age-old fight with us) to rearrange my career. I see it as a different kind of risk - taking on a "job." when I have an established business and moonlighting work.

So I carry around a Day Timer and fill in my schedule throughout the months as shifts come open. Then I try to fill in child time around that (other than Tuesdays - that's always a given)..

I try to be reasonable. . .like if she really wanted a week off, I would do it.

At this point, I can't even get into the house - she's got 100% possession based on what a judge was thinking, I don't know (to frustrate both parties, I guess).

She kind of forces me into "minimal child time" becuase she wants a bigger committment, especially weekeneds but that is prime time when I work - about 40% of my last years income was derived from weekend work. . .not chump change I can leave on the table.

When I committed to every other weekend, it just didn't work out with my work, especially summers. . . I am working like gangbusters now - I am working 30 hours this weekend alone.

I work healthcare and I just can't seem to get through to her that people don't only have cranial bleeds and kidney stones M-F 9 to 5.

Ughhh. Women - don't marry men who work in healthcare. Marry Ward Cleaver who carries a briefcase to work and is home @ 5:30 for a highball, fixed by you with the bobby hair cut in a black neglige.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I feel that woman that wants Ward Clever in the beginning is not going to want him in the end. It feels like when a woman leaves, if there is no type of abuse, she is searching for something else in herself, and she has no real idea what she is looking for in a man or herself. 

I don't know anymore, my wife told me I was not perfect, but perfect for her several months ago, now she is asking for a divorce and with another man.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Feeling compelled to defend, rationalize, or explain away your ex's behavior, decisions, or intentions speaks volumes for where you are at regarding 'unbonding'. I think it is natural for a time following a separation or divorce.
I had a simple rule when it came to friends and family, don't trash talk the mother of my kids. 

You will know when you have made the leap from thinking of her as the spouse you need, or feel you need to defend, to the woman you simply want to have a civil relationship with for the benefit of your kids.
You stop thinking in terms of 'us' and start focusing on 'I'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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