# Is it cheating



## Shattered dream (Jun 4, 2018)

I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that my husband is getting too close to a female friend of his so I know it was wrong but I checked his messages and found that he had been messaging her while I was in the same room as him. They were inappropriate messages from him to her saying how much he was attracted to her and the effect that she has on him including mentioning oral sex and erections, the fact that she ticked a lot his boxes and then the fact she ticked more boxes than me his wife! She was encouraging it and I feel so betrayed


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Shattered dream said:


> *I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that my husband is getting too close to a female friend of his so I know it was wrong but I checked his messages and found that he had been messaging her while I was in the same room as him. They were inappropriate messages from him to her saying how much he was attracted to her and the effect that she has on him including mentioning oral sex and erections, the fact that she ticked a lot his boxes and then the fact she ticked more boxes than me his wife! She was encouraging it and I feel so betrayed.*


*I feel rather certain that she's not only in position to be "ticking" something like his "boxes," but is quite likely "licking" something around his "boxers!"

If it's done deceptively, out of your purview and behind your back, then it is cheating, plain and simple! You have every right to be upset!*


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

Sorry for your situation. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with checking your spouses messages, nothing. Except he was hitting on a friend and you busted him. Was it cheating? Don’t know but it was inappropriate as he11 and if he wasn’t cheating he was trying and headed in that direction and if my spouse had messages like that I’d treat it as if she was cheating. 

Have you confronted him yet? If not start digging and see if there were others, take off your rose colored glasses if you thought he was the best H around and your relationship was so good. Look for hidden email accounts, web searches, locations on google or Apple accounts. Notify OBS if she is married and use him to develop a plan. I wouldn’t wait too long though, if it hasn’t gotten physical yet it probably will soon. Was other woman receptive to your wayward husband?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Shattered dream said:


> I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that my husband is getting too close to a female friend of his so I know it was wrong but I checked his messages and found that he had been messaging her while I was in the same room as him. They were inappropriate messages from him to her saying how much he was attracted to her and the effect that she has on him including mentioning oral sex and erections, the fact that she ticked a lot his boxes and then the fact she ticked more boxes than me his wife! She was encouraging it and I feel so betrayed


Why rely on us to say yes it is cheating or no it isn't cheating? IMO it is, but why does my opinion - or others - matter?

It obviously hurts you and you feel betrayed.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Shattered dream said:


> She was encouraging it and I feel so betrayed


Are you sure she knows about you?

I've had a guy at work hitting on me for a year and a half, and I only just found out that the entire time I've been here, he's had a girlfriend that he's never once mentioned.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's just as much cheating as the physical act. Having another woman on his mind other than you is just as destructive to your marriage as banging her. Make no mistake, what you saw is something you'd be wise to present him divorce papers over, and if he didn't beg, grovel, plead, and be the perfect freaking husband in order to win you back---- make good on the divorce.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Shattered dream said:


> I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that my husband is getting too close to a female friend of his so I know it was wrong but I checked his messages and found that he had been messaging her while I was in the same room as him. They were inappropriate messages from him to her saying how much he was attracted to her and the effect that she has on him including mentioning oral sex and erections, the fact that she ticked a lot his boxes and then the fact she ticked more boxes than me his wife! She was encouraging it and I feel so betrayed


If he was sending them and she was accepting of them and even encouraging them, chances are it's more then just texting or at least it will be soon. I've found similar texts on my wife's phone between her and other men in the past. As much as the texts from the other men were inappropriate, suggestive, and some sexually explicit, my wife's responses were never really replying to those messages and more she changed the topic. But there were also some that she sent that were flirty and suggestive without being direct. When confronted, her defense was always the same that the texts from these men were "unsolicited" and that she did nothing wrong. Well now here we are a year after the last time I confronted her about texts with other men, getting divorced. My gut kept telling me something was still going on, so I kept watch without letting on to her that I was. Then I had an opportunity to go through her phone 2 weeks ago and found more texts with yet a different man. This time a man that I have been friends with for close to 30 years. After confronting my wife, talking to his wife, and her confronting him, I found out that the 2 of them have been having an affair for over a year. I followed my heart for a long time through a lot of problems, and it was wrong. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it, it's most likely right.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

First, there is no official, mandated "rules" book on what is and isn't cheating. Is it cheating to you? That is ALL that matters. If my wife was doing this with another man I'd 100% consider it cheating and not honoring me as her husband. You have every right to consider this cheating and him seeking another woman for his sexual fulfillment and sharing part of his sexuality with her and no you. Don't back down from this. He is 100% wrong and you have every reason/right to not stand for this and consider this cheating.


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