# Dont know what to do anymore, I'm not happy either way!



## Dazed&Confused&lost (Apr 15, 2012)

I don’t know what to do anymore. Let me break this down for you without trying to make it too long. Next month, my husband and I will be married for three years. We only dated just over a month before we got married, yes, I know… But we were madly in love and crazy about each other. I quit smoking and even drinking… I had cut down on my drinking before getting into a relationship with him, but then had almost ceased and hardly drink anymore. Other things that quit was hanging out with my girlfriends anymore, most of them were married too!

Anyways, we married in May of 2009 while I had been in the military for over 3 years. I then deployed to Iraq, Oct 2009. Came home in June 2010, and now I am stationed in S. Korea since Jan 2012. So, we’re spending a significant part of our marriage apart. 

Before I got in the relationship I knew about his relation past.. such he has been married twice before (he is also 8 years older not that that really matters.) 2 of his girlfriends and his last marriage (so 3 ‘woman’) have cheated on him and in conclusion became pregnant during this time. One of children he doesn’t even know if it’s his or not. The other two are his, on proven by DNA test. These are monsters that he has been dealing with and having a hard time with this and in return I have been battling these monsters along side him. 
No matter what I do, even just going to a concert with a friend or being out in the field he has more then questioned my integrity. I have NEVER cheated on my husband and married him to be with him. He constantly checks up on me, and I get SEVERAL phone calls during a concert to see “How it was going.” He constantly questions if I was with anyone while I was deployed to Iraq. When I came home from Iraq he made me swear on the bible that I did not cheat on him while I was there. He’s questioned me so much, that he gets these “bad feelings” and he questions the same things over and over and such to the extent that we have gotten in several fights about it. At one point it almost got physical. 

He is more of a materialistic person as I am more of a family time person. I am 26 years old, (this week). When I was in Iraq we talked about starting a family and even picked out names. I want at least two kids if not 3 or 4. We also have a roommate that when I came home she (Yes, SHE but I have trust in this because of his “standards” in woman and she was there before I came into the picture.) has expressed to me that my husband does not want any more kids. This is something that I have been trying to battle. He doesn’t even see his kids often either, nor does he fight for them. Every time I try bringing it up, he either ignores me or get angry! He has stated a couple times that he wants to wait til we pay off our debt… but he keeps wanting toys and there for we get deeper in debt and I think this is just him pushing away from the subject. I havent been able to see my family nearly as much and we spend more time with his family as well and this kills me. Even though I love his family, infact I am more worried about losing them then him at this moment. 

Before I came into the relationship with him, I understood that he and the roommate have entered a lease together for the house. They recently refinanced, and I was advised before hand that I would be put on the house and what not, but he then told me that during the refinance of the house that he “could not put my name on the house” because a refinance of the original loan. 

So on top of his untruthfulness’, he has anger problems. He says that I am just a b***h and I know I can be, but he get angry over little simple things. I am afraid of talking with him at times because I don’t want to piss him off. He has never hit me, but with how stubborn I am as well, we have gotten into each others faces. It’s hard to communicate with him at times. Things I just try to deal with, but I have held them in for so long, I cannot keep holding them in anymore and I have expressed what I felt. I have tied expressing my feelings before, he would just saying I am picking at him because he was yelling at me for stuff that I was either doing or not doing. 
I work several hours by being in the military and at times I wish I could come home and we can order something, or I can at least relax before I start dinner. There are times that when he’s been home all day and I get home from a 12 – 15 hour shift and immediately asked when am I cooking dinner and what is for dinner. When I tell him I am really tired, he cries that he is starving. He doesn’t know how to cook, and doesn’t take any time to cook with me. When I cook he sits on the couch and plays X-box. 

I have gotten depressed through out the marriage that I start slacking on the house chores and we end up fighting about it. There are three people in the house and all three have and do work long schedules, but I feel at times I am the only one cleaning up, and I am exhausted! 

I have requested to go to counseling with my husband and I was already going to counseling throughout the marriage as it were. And he has stated to me, that he doesn’t need counseling to tell me what to do around the house. He doesn’t need it, I do. 

Now that I have more then threatened that I am thinking about leaving by changing all my passwords to everything – yes, he had them all and checked them frequently though he will deny this. His first reaction was that I was a ***** and that there really is someone on the side. His next reaction was the bills needed to be paid. Then finally it was him trying to “save the marriage” we have fought several times about divorce, this is the first time I said I was leaving. A few months before I left for Korea, I opened my own bank account and only have $25 in it. Now that I feel this isn’t getting anywhere by us just working on it, I have changed where my paycheck goes and changed all my passwords. This got him extremely angry, I told him that I was not trying to stiff him with bills and will work on them with him like he has wanted before anyways. He has threatened that he is going to kill himself, and that if anything happens to him that it is my fault cause I was trying to kill him. 

I told him that he needed to go to counseling and we needed a marriage counselor and he needed to do something about his anger… he has yet to do and just want to cry about how much he loves me and misses me. 

I tried making this a short story… and theres a lot more. Part of me I want to save the marriage but I don’t think that anything will change anyways. Another part of me just wants to get stationed somewhere else and be away and start over. 

Just a little note… When I was having a hard time in the military when I was deployed I almost did not reenlist because I was wanting out. When I first joined I wanted to be a ‘lifer’ and retire. He convinced me to reenlist again and stay in because I wouldn’t be able to find a job. I have wanted to drop a packet to join CID, but haven’t because I had no guarantee that I would stay at my home base where my family and he reside. He kept telling me to drop it and kept pushing me even though knowing I can be stationed somewhere else in needs of the Army. Now that I am able to reenlist again, I can not get my home base, and the closest one is 3 hrs away. I don’t know what I can do for a job when I get out… It’s really rough around there to find a job. I make almost a grand more then my husband each paycheck and he was telling me to get out if I cant get my home base because he cant lose his job… He hates his job and is not making good money but it’s a DA job which means he can transfer to another base.. but his excuse then is the house. Anyways, he got angry when I mentioned the other base that is three hours away. Then he kept saying don’t reenlist… just now that I kept pushing the subject about what I was going to get to get out.. he didn’t want to hear it. Now he knows that he is either supporting me or not knowing that when we first got married I wanted to retire. Now he wants me to go to this base at is 3 hrs away, and I am not thinking about staying overseas somewhere.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you're situation is really complicated. I'm not sure you should be trusting your H. His anger is a pretty clear indicator that he's hiding something, but it's hard to tell since he has been cheated on in the past. Still, when a guy who's wife is gone years at a time is living with another women - it's not really about trusting him at that point. It's about taking his humanity into consideration.

Just keep going to counseling and hang in there. If you decide to leave make sure you recognize and acknowledge your contribution to the dysfunction. Don't leave thinking it was all him and you can run away and start over - it just doesnt work that way. You will find the same nut encased in a different shell. Work on fixing your issues, becoming more emotionally healthy, and then you will attract a healthy person.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

keep going to counseling to keep your sanity. you are right you are not going to change him but you cannot let this situation go on either. talk to your family for advice and plleeasse do not bring babies into this relationship, until things make sense and he treats you with the respect you deserve as his wife. He sounds immature and unwilling to share your life with you, just wants what he wants. you deserve so much better, make your life better and make yourself happy. does your happiness ever come up in conversation?


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## Dazed&Confused&lost (Apr 15, 2012)

muttgirl said:


> keep going to counseling to keep your sanity. you are right you are not going to change him but you cannot let this situation go on either. talk to your family for advice and plleeasse do not bring babies into this relationship, until things make sense and he treats you with the respect you deserve as his wife. He sounds immature and unwilling to share your life with you, just wants what he wants. you deserve so much better, make your life better and make yourself happy. does your happiness ever come up in conversation?


Yea, he talked about having kids after I threatened to leave and I don't think that is a reason for a family I want a family with someone that wants one with me and not seem like I am forcing someone to. No, it really didn't til like today since he saw a counselor himself for the first time today... and tomorrow is my birthday.... He's doing a lot of stuff that is not like himself :scratchhead:


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

happy birthday and try to see this change of direction as at least he sees that you will not let him continue the way you have. make yourself happy and try to be patient but you do not have to wait till he grows up--my h still hasnt. if you see real progress great but if he is just stalling you some more think about what, in the long run, will make you happy. if you know that, your path will be clearer.


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## ani51512 (Feb 7, 2013)

Hi Dazed,

I have almost the same situation as yours. I want to know what you did or how you handled your situation, and how are you now? Praying for you.


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