# SEX with husband halted for good.....he says



## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

so here it goes.....yup I told you all I wanted sex all the time....that hasnt changed!!! He came home today from work and told me he was going to sleep in the extra bedroom...I said why? he said he needs some time alone....I said whatever!!!

Made dinner....kids ate...he ate...I went to our room....kids are playing xbox....so asked him to come talk to me....he came in I tell him what is going on he says nothing....I say are you having sex with someone else.....he says no....I say do you want to leave me he says no....I say then what....he says I want you to stop harping on me about sex .....I say fine....but you know eventually you are going to have to have sex with me and pay attention to me or I will leave....I will not be ignored for ever or live in a sexless marriage....I have needs....he says out of spite I know because he is pissed that I confronted him....no one will want your ugly fat ass.....so you better just stay where you are ..... I am like what did you just say....he almost got kicked straight in his balls.....but he will be sleeping in the guest room....for how long I dont know....thank goodness for toys & I have enough of them & am not afraid to use them :smthumbup:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

okay?

sounds unhealthy seek help.

best of luck


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

...He seriously said that to you? What the hell? I would have slapped my husband and told him to go sleep at his parents place if he ever said that to me. And he could only come back when he was ready to respect me as a freaking human being. Good for you for not putting up with it, either. 

As to the sex situation...do you think his totally inappropriate and rude comment about your appearance could be a sign as to why he's not having sex with you? Is it possible he may not be as attracted to you as he was before, and doesn't know how to address it?

I've read some of your other threads, but not in detail.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you still in the "marriage"? Seems to me, you're officially roommates now, and you can likely do better as far as roommates go.
And if you say you're there because of the kids, take a good long think about what kind of marriage you're teaching your kids is acceptable.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> ...He seriously said that to you? What the hell? I would have slapped my husband and told him to go sleep at his parents place if he ever said that to me. And he could only come back when he was ready to respect me as a freaking human being. Good for you for not putting up with it, either.
> 
> As to the sex situation...do you think his totally inappropriate and rude comment about your appearance could be a n hsign as to why he's not having sex with you? Is it possible he may not be as attracted to you as he was before, and doesn't know how to address it?
> 
> I've read some of your other threads, but not in detail.


ummmm welll that shouldnt be since ummmmm I was way bigger when he married me.....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I second PBear. Not sure why you're still there with that kind of neglect and disrespect. 

I think you handled it as best you could, but seriously, he really needed a slap to the face with the ugly fat ass comment.


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

PBear said:


> So why are you still in the "marriage"? Seems to me, you're officially roommates now, and you can likely do better as far as roommates go.
> And if you say you're there because of the kids, take a good long think about what kind of marriage you're teaching your kids is acceptable.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not officially 
roommates yet......but if it goes there than 
yes I will go that route.....

I am not giving up yet....but changes will happen or that is it....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TopazGal said:


> ummmm welll that shouldnt be since ummmmm I was way bigger when he married me.....


Okay, then it sounds as if this man has major issues, especially if you're healthier now than when you married. 

I only asked because sometimes after marriage one or both spouses can let themselves go, and it can cause issues in the relationship. It did for my mom and dad. His comment stood out to be as maybe being a way of expressing why the sex had stopped. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case.

It sounds as if your husband isn't interested in actually being a husband. Has there always been this sexual issue between you? Has there ever been a time when there was great sex?

Edit to add: even if the sex were to improve, it seems as if there are a lot more issues than just sex. He sounds disrespectful on every level.


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Okay, then it sounds as if this man has major issues, especially if you're healthier now than when you married.
> 
> I only asked because sometimes after marriage one or both spouses can let themselves go, and it can cause issues in the relationship. It did for my mom and dad. His comment stood out to be as maybe being a way of expressing why the sex had stopped. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case.
> 
> It sounds as if your husband isn't interested in actually being a husband. Has there always been this sexual issue between you? Has there ever been a time when there was great sex?


sure 
until recently .....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TopazGal said:


> sure
> until recently .....


How recently? And can you think of anything that could have caused this sudden change? An illness? Financial issues? Other relationship issues? Busy schedules?


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> How recently? And can you think of anything that could have caused this sudden change? An illness? Financial issues? Other relationship issues? Busy schedules?


I take full responsibility I am revolting I guess had a hysterectomy IDK what ugly I guess is the truth


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TopazGal said:


> I take full responsibility I am revolting I guess had a hysterectomy IDK what ugly I guess is the truth


Firstly, _stop_ with the negativity towards yourself. Just because your husband is a douche doesn't mean you're ugly. If your personality is anything like what it seems from your posts, you sounds like a really fun person to be around. You're _not_ revolting. 90% of beauty comes from a woman's confidence and personality, imo. A woman can be a physical hottie, and have no attractive qualities whatsoever if she's insecure and filled with self-hatred. 

You have so much spunk and healthy sexual attitudes! Your husband is missing out, but that is _his_ fault. 

Secondly, did the sex decline after the hysterectomy? How long after the surgery did you wait until you initiated sex again?


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Firstly, _stop_ with the negativity towards yourself. Just because your husband is a douche doesn't mean you're ugly. If your personality is anything like what it seems from your posts, you sounds like a really fun person to be around. You're _not_ revolting. 90% of beauty comes from a woman's confidence and personality, imo. A woman can be a physical hottie, and have no attractive qualities whatsoever if she's insecure and filled with self-hatred.
> 
> You have so much spunk and healthy sexual attitudes! Your husband is missing out, but that is _his_ fault.
> 
> Secondly, did the sex decline after the hysterectomy? How long after the surgery did you wait until you initiated sex again?


you know I thought he would of wanted me to....since i wasnt able to since jan all the way until aug.....i had surgery july... i was you know having a period everyday from jan until july 
I am fun to be around.....I have a good time and am a good person....but I have spent the last 16 yrs with this man.....have moved accross the country for him and have nothing here except him......WTF


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TopazGal said:


> you know I thought he would of wanted me to....since i wasnt able to since jan all the way until aug.....i had surgery july... i was you know having a period everyday from jan until july
> I am fun to be around.....I have a good time and am a good person....but I have spent the last 16 yrs with this man.....have moved accross the country for him and have nothing here except him......WTF


So, what was the sex like before the hysterectomy? Did he understand that you weren't rejecting him, but that physically you couldn't have sex with him during that time?

It sounds as if you are a truly loving and caring wife, and for whatever reason, he's chosen not to be a husband. 

How are the other areas of your relationship? Do you spend quality time together? Do you go on dates? Or do you mostly live separate lives?


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> So, what was the sex like before the hysterectomy? Did he understand that you weren't rejecting him, but that physically you couldn't have sex with him during that time?
> 
> It sounds as if you are a truly loving and caring wife, and for whatever reason, he's chosen not to be a husband.
> 
> How are the other areas of your relationship? Do you spend quality time together? Do you go on dates? Or do you mostly live separate lives?


Yup we do everything else together , sex before was fine still not as much as i want but fine i was floored today i want to walk out but would not give up that easy


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TopazGal said:


> Yup we do everything else together , sex before was fine still not as much as i want but fine i was floored today i want to walk out but would not give up that easy


It sounds to me like there's probably and underlying health issue. With no other relational issues that you can think of, it sounds medical to me. I am, by no means, an expert...but it sounds hormonal...or whatever the equivalent would be for a man. Maybe his testosterone levels?

I did read in another thread, at least I think it was yours, that your husband isn't willing to get tested? If it's not a health issue, then it's your husband; he doesn't want to really be a _husband_. There's more to that role than the title. A marriage certificate doesn't make a man a husband, his actions do. And pulling a line like he did with you is _not_ what any decent man would ever say to his wife. 

You should do _something_ about this unhealthy, and now potentially verbally abusive, relationship. Have you seen a councilor for yourself? They would likely be able to help more than anyone else.


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> It sounds to me like there's probably and underlying health issue. With no other relational issues that you can think of, it sounds medical to me. I am, by no means, an expert...but it sounds hormonal...or whatever the equivalent would be for a man. Maybe his testosterone levels?
> 
> I did read in another thread, at least I think it was yours, that your husband isn't willing to get tested? If it's not a health issue, then it's your husband; he doesn't want to really be a _husband_. There's more to that role than the title. A marriage certificate doesn't make a man a husband, his actions do. And pulling a line like he did with you is _not_ what any decent man would ever say to his wife.
> 
> You should do _something_ about this unhealthy, and now potentially verbally abusive, relationship. Have you seen a councilor for yourself? They would likely be able to help more than anyone else.


I haven't seen anyone i didn't think anything was wrong ughhhhhhh i have a lot of thinking to do i am all alone here so it sucks no friends no family so who knows 

Thanks tho


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

Whoa..... Im not saying do this at all.... Im totally speaking for myself.... I would definitely find someone who would want "my ugly fat ass" and call it a day with that asshat. Sorry, hun. feel better soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TopazGal said:


> so here it goes.....yup I told you all I wanted sex all the time....that hasnt changed!!! He came home today from work and told me he was going to sleep in the extra bedroom...I said why? he said he needs some time alone....I said whatever!!!
> 
> Made dinner....kids ate...he ate...I went to our room....kids are playing xbox....so asked him to come talk to me....he came in I tell him what is going on he says nothing....I say are you having sex with someone else.....he says no....I say do you want to leave me he says no....I say then what....he says I want you to stop harping on me about sex .....I say fine....but you know eventually you are going to have to have sex with me and pay attention to me or I will leave....I will not be ignored for ever or live in a sexless marriage....I have needs....he says out of spite I know because he is pissed that I confronted him....no one will want your ugly fat ass.....so you better just stay where you are ..... I am like what did you just say....he almost got kicked straight in his balls.....but he will be sleeping in the guest room....for how long I dont know....thank goodness for toys & I have enough of them & am not afraid to use them :smthumbup:


Damn this is bad, for my wife and I such conversations tend to have a different ending. We do fight about sex when I turn her down. And we do swear at each other/give each other sh-t. But we aren't stupid - we don't say sh-t like what your husband said.

If I was you, I would start flirting with others in front of him and make him realise that you CAN and WILL leave him if he keeps this up. I've never turned my wife down like that, now that's just brutal. =/


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

If he called you fat and ugly, that's his reason for not wanting sex with you. He's not turned on.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Staying in love is about meeting each others needs .....if possible. It seems that he isn't willing to meet you half way.

Marriage counseling.

A serious talk when things aren't heated. 

I would definitely quit chasing him for sex....if he's not cheating he may be suspicious as to why you aren't pursuing him. Good...let him!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

The guy married her when she was much larger and her looks have not changed much, so my guess is he can't get turned on. He can get it up but his mind is way behind in its desire to so he feels nagged about sex. 

Topaz, you are seriously enthusiastic about sex and you are thinner than you've been in the past 10 years. I have to lay this issue on his testosterone levels or something I dont get because by all rights he should be getting busy like crazy.

Work on the communication, lay off the sex pressure for awhile. Take a lesson from us guys who have to take our time getting our wives into the sac. Non sexual touching, talking, a pressure free environment. 

Think of it this way. When someone asks for 5 bucks and you don't have it, that's fine but when they ask you repeatedly every day for 5 bucks and you don't have it, you get pissed and chase them away. In this case with mean words. He doesn't have 5 bucks. (my brain works strangely)


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

TopazGal said:


> room....for how long I dont know....thank goodness for toys & I have enough of them & am not afraid to use them :smthumbup:



I gotta say:

The :smthumbup: with which you ended your post with makes me feel: 

And the verbal exchange you had with your husband seems problematic on many levels

But since you didn't reflect upon it in your post I'm wondering if you don't recognize yourself...or if this was simply meant to be a venting post and you didn't want to get into it (nothing wrong with that)

Suffice it to say, if your conversations continue to be like this one....well...I just hope you _ really _ like those toys...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I know he said he's not having sex with anyone else but this type of behavior is VERY TYPICAL of someone who is. Of someone who thinks they are in love to the point where he feels like he's cheating on the OW to have sex with his wife.

I think you need to investigate. Check text message, phone records, get VAR (voice act recorder), etc and verify what he's doing.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

TopazGal - What a horrid thing to say to your wife. Just know you didn't deserve that...his ego is hurting I would suggest and he is lashing out 

Do you think there is any chance he is having trouble with getting an erection or with his levels of T? ( I also hate to say this sounds like many of the posts from people...just before they find there really is an affair going on... I really hope that's not the case here.)

It's sounds like he is trying to make you feel crap for HIS problems... isn't that called projection?

Topaz...you write such lovely, full of energy posts.. It sounds like your doing the best you can to be a good wife...sometimes, for some people it's never enough.

So what are you going to do about this? Live a sexless (and loveless) marriage?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dogman said:


> Think of it this way. When someone asks for 5 bucks and you don't have it, that's fine but when they ask you repeatedly every day for 5 bucks and you don't have it, you get pissed and chase them away. In this case with mean words. He doesn't have 5 bucks. (my brain works strangely)


I think your whole post was correct. Nagging men about ANYTHING rarely works. Trust me I've tried. 

Topaz you went in both guns blazing and attacked him therefore he responded in kind. 

To solve this problem you are going to have to back up and see this from his perspective and at the moment you have tunnel vision. All you can see is your side. I'm not saying he wasn't mean and I'm not saying he's right. I'm saying as a general rule problems with men won't ever get solved with nagging. That isn't attractive.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

TopazGal said:


> I say fine....but you know eventually you are going to have to have sex with me and pay attention to me or I will leave....


While I understand your frustration and you're trying to tell him how you feel, this statement probably came across as a threat, or trying to "guilt" him into having sex, or else! My guess is, he is even more checked out now than before. It likely will not work. 

Also, if he is going to tell you, "No one would want your fat ass anyway" that would be enough for me right there to no longer want to even try to have sex with him!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If your husband has halted sex for good, and you said you would not live in a sexless marriage and be ignored, then someone needs to get the paper work started. It will likely need to be you, since you said you wouldn't live that way. 

I'm sorry you're going through this too! Sometimes a person will purposely sabotage a relationship because they don't know how to get out of it, I think it could be possibly the case with your husband. If you end it, then he wont have to, less guilt on him.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

wow Topaz! You have a situation there. I can't believe he would say something like that to you. You deserve to be happy. It's not like you are asking for much. If you have any questions let me know.

Tony in Arizona


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't spend much time looking for any good reasons that someone isn't telling me something don't mean. If only partially. People generally mean what they say unless they're completely lying to you for some deeper reason which in and of itself is a sign of something even worse like being a psychopath. So while your husband might mean 40% of what he says, or 50% or whatnot, that's still a good rough estimate and something you can work with. If he says 'no more sex for you!' then that's probably close enough to the world as he sees it.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

WTF?? He has no idea how lucky he is. I also told my wife I would not live in a sexless marriage but it seems my conversation went better than yours. You don't need this. You have the right to expect a health sexual relationship with your husband and you should settle for nothing less.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that you could not have sex for many months because of your medical condition.

There's a very good chance that this is the cause of the current problem. Sex causes both men and women to produce hormones that cause bonding... no sex for months and the bonding can be lost. Sometimes this is forever. He would have to willingly engage in sex in order for the hormone levels to build back up.

There is also a chance that while you could not have sex he found another outlet for it. Does he spend a lot on time on the computer? Online porn comes to mind... or an affair. Both could take his attentions elsewhere.

How was he while you were sick? Was he attentive? Did he help your through the bad times, the surgery etc? Or did he pull away and leave you alone to handle all this?

Bottom line is that he's angry and not in your marriage. Pursuing him right now would just drive him further away.

Look at the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to be interacting with him.

A woman being needy and pursuing a man is not attractive to most men. If you change the way you interact with him (180 diff than you do now) he will take note. 

Get active, go out and have a good time. Don't tell him where you are going. Just go and have fun. He just might get interested and wonder what you are up to. And then join you. This could turn things around.

Take a look at the Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup site. Search for things going on in your area. There are tons of othings that you can do.. and meet people. Go out, make freinds and have a good time. Leave him in your dust.. let him notice that you are someone who is interesting and who he wants to pursue again.

{BTW... just know that after he said that to you, he's a lucky man that you did not kick him to the curb. And you might want to keep kicking him to the curb as an option. Give him 2 months with your 180 and getting very active. If he does not come around in that time.. move on with your life. }


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