# Need help with what to do about OM



## jj4k (Jun 22, 2014)

Hello all.

My wife confessed a couple months ago to me of an affair she had a few years ago.

We are trying to work through things and while things have definitely been up and down, I feel we are making progress.

The one constant feeling I can't seem to get past is that the OM seems to have got away with this unharmed. 

I'm not looking to do anything stupid/illegal, but I do feel the need to do something. He knows I know and I just can't handle not doing anything. 

The big problem I am having is that both my wife and I really do NOT want things exposed. So anything I do can't expose the affair.

I know many of you will advise not doing anything. Many will probably suggest we tell people what happened, but we have our reasons so calling him out in public/work about what happened won't work.

I'm struggling with what to do to him that will not expose what happened and nothing that could potentially get me in trouble.

I understand my wife is 90% responsible because she is the one that betrayed OUR marriage, but this guy initiated and pursued things initially knowing full well she was married. 

Have any of you done things to the OM? What are some of the things you did?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anything you might do will just bring OM back into your marriage again, like a recurring cancer. All this focus you are putting on him is a distraction from the work you and your wife need to do to try to reconcile. 

Focus on your marriage. Living well is the best revenge.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

The best way to get over betrayal is to get the people that betrayed you completely out of your life. Why are you staying with her. I mean honestly she hid this for years. What else is she not telling you. I would be that is not the first time she has done that. 

Your worried about what to do with the OM but what did you do about your wife? How has she really suffered from having sex with someone else. 

Its one thing that she had an affair but to hide it for years clearly shows she did not have a conscience about it. It really speaks loudly to how she really felt about you. You might want to really examine your marriage now. She might be more worried about loosing the lifestyle and family you have built than actually being with you. 

Clay


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

norajane said:


> Anything you might do will just bring OM back into your marriage again, like a recurring cancer. All this focus you are putting on him is a distraction from the work you and your wife need to do to try to reconcile.
> 
> Focus on your marriage. *Living well is the best revenge*.



I would think living well would be difficult when living with a cheater.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jj4k said:


> The one constant feeling I can't seem to get past is that the OM seems to have got away with this unharmed.
> 
> I'm not looking to do anything stupid/illegal, but I do feel the need to do something. He knows I know and I just can't handle not doing anything.


You feel like he's gotten away with it is because you HAVE let him get away with it scott free. Same with your WW. You let her get away with it too. She confessed? It's a good bet that she's ONLY confessed about a tiny fraction of the affair. This is the proverbial tip of the iceberg. You haven't given much detail about the whole situation. From the other thread:

From warlock's thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/201258-first-post-structure-bs.html

1) BS ages
2) Kids, ages
3) Length of the relationship, length of the marriage
4) Length of the affair
5) D-Day or when the affair was discovered by the BS
6) How did you find out ?
7) Identity of the OM/OW (Work colleague, family friend etc)
9) WS's current stance on the situation.
10) What do you want to do ?



jj4k said:


> The big problem I am having is that both my wife and I really do NOT want things exposed. So anything I do can't expose the affair.


Of course your WW doesn't want things exposed, then that would me she would have to suffer the consequences. So she gets away with it too. How does that feel? She gets to cheat, have hot affair sex, betrays you and your children, and all you can do it eat this sh!t sandwich. You what this does? It builds up your resentment, and you will NEVER heal. Its called sweeping it under the rug. And as you keep sweeping it under the rug, the resentment builds and builds until there's a huge lump in the carpet. 

You don't even know if she's still in contact with OM if you don't expose it. *Another reason she doesn't want it exposed is because she's protecting the OM.*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Some background information would seem to be in order...

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been married?

Any kids?

What do the two of you do for a living?

What were the circumstances under which your wife confessed the affair? Did you suspect anything at all prior to her confession?

How long ago was her affair and how long did it last?

What was the nature of the affair (i.e. emotional only or physical as well)?

How did your wife meet OM?

How does he know that you know about the affair? Did you tell him or are he and your wife still in contact?

Besides yourself, your wife, and OM, who knows about the affair?

I'll tailor further input based on your answers.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

norajane said:


> Anything you might do will just bring OM back into your marriage again, like a recurring cancer. All this focus you are putting on him is a distraction from the work you and your wife need to do to try to reconcile.
> 
> Focus on your marriage. Living well is the best revenge.


Yep, he should just sweep it under the rug. That will help him heal.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> *You don't even know if she's still in contact with OM *if you don't expose it. Another reason she doesn't want it exposed is because she's protecting the OM.


Which leads to this.......



jj4k said:


> I'm not looking to do anything stupid/illegal, but I do feel the need to do something. *He knows I know* and I just can't handle not doing anything.


HOW does he know you know about this?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Yep, he should just sweep it under the rug. That will help him heal.


I sad no such thing. I told him to work on his marriage, and focus on his wife - the cheater in his life - since he's decided to reconcile.

He's sweeping his wife's cheating under the rug by focusing his energy on revenge for OM.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

jj4k said:


> The big problem I am having is that both my wife and I really do NOT want things exposed. So anything I do can't expose the affair.
> 
> I'm struggling with what to do to him that will not expose what happened and nothing that could potentially get me in trouble.


I'm sorry your wife has placed you in such a terrible predicament. While I won't feel any empathy for the OM in your situation if he ever gets whats coming to him, you really should stop and think about the potential ramifications to yourself before engaging in any back and forth with her affair partner. You don't know if he knows anything about you that you don't want getting out, who knows what your wife blabbed to him that could hurt you if he decides to go public in retaliation.

What if he has unflattering pictures/video of her and sends them to all your family and friends? What if he decides to tell everybody you know about what your wife did in gruesome detail through email or letters? What if he has saved texts and emails from her that are explicit or that have her saying unkind things about people you know and he forwards them to said individuals? Could you deal with the fallout from that and still work toward your stated goal of reconciling with her? If not then I'm sorry to say but you may just have to suffer through this and do your best to erase him from your mind. There really is no way of getting even with him that doesn't carry the potential of making life much more difficult for you.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Nostromo said:


> I'm sorry your wife has placed you in such a terrible predicament. While I won't feel any empathy for the OM in your situation if he ever gets whats coming to him, you really should stop and think about the potential ramifications to yourself before engaging in any back and forth with her affair partner. You don't know if he knows anything about you that you don't want getting out, who knows what your wife blabbed to him that could hurt you if he decides to go public in retaliation.
> 
> What if he has unflattering pictures/video of her and sends them to all your family and friends? What if he decides to tell everybody you know about what your wife did in gruesome detail through email or letters? What if he has saved texts and emails from her that are explicit or that have her saying unkind things about people you know and he forwards them to said individuals? Could you deal with the fallout from that and still work toward your stated goal of reconciling with her? If not then I'm sorry to say but you may just have to suffer through this and do your best to erase him from your mind. There really is no way of getting even with him that doesn't carry the potential of making life much more difficult for you.


:iagree:

You could do something to make sure he doesn't get by unscathed but you don't control the potential for the OM to get back at you, in perhaps some of the ways mentioned above. Then your objective of keeping the affair a secret is a lost cause.

Anything I did to the OW in my situation, I also did the same to my WS. After all, it took two to tango. What I did to them, it did make me feel somewhat better at the time but at the end of the day, my WS still cheated and nothing changes that. There's nothing that makes that **** sandwich your WW served to you by cheating on you taste any better.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Here's a few fun ideas....

Every time I drive by OM's house on the way to work I throw a nail in his driveway. It makes me feel a little better each time. You can try something petty like that.

I totally ratted out one OM to is girlfriend. 

My favorite revenge to this day was on a neighbor who was terrorizing me. Threw a series of wonderful coincidences and some social networking I managed to convince a handful of drug dealers that he was a police informant....I still laugh about that one. Always fun to ruin someones life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> Here's a few fun ideas....
> 
> Every time I drive by OM's house on the way to work I throw a nail in his driveway. It makes me feel a little better each time. You can try something petty like that.
> 
> ...


Dude. Damn.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Exposure is still the right thing to do.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Here's a few fun ideas....
> 
> Every time I drive by OM's house on the way to work I throw a nail in his driveway. It makes me feel a little better each time. You can try something petty like that.
> 
> ...


If only I had known to just buy a bag of nails instead of going to IC and trudging through this thing called reconciliation.......WOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> If only I had known to just buy a bag of nails instead of going to IC and trudging through this thing called reconciliation.......WOW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well its not like that's ALL I do with my day lol...


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Well, there's two factions here, like society at large. The faction that thinks OM has no responsibility, and the faction that thinks he deserves some retribution. The basic dynamic of people that demand responsibility vs those that shun it.

At a minimum, IMO, call him up, and tell him you want to see him face to face. He's wronged you, and you are challenging him on it. "Are you man enough to face me, or are you afraid? A coward?" He controls his destiny. 

Sure, he'll probably refuse, he's a POS to begin with, we know that. Still, he's had his chance to do it the somewhat honorable way. If he refuses, then go after him with every underhanded and hateful thing you can think of, starting with Cheaterville. Anyone that may google him will see it.

Facebook? You'll be able to find his profile, and ways to contact his friends. You know where he lives, works, etc. Time is your friend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's not easy.

Look, you want to expose him, but it would cause unnecessary complications if you did.

OK, here's something you can try. 

Write his name on a piece of paper. Keep it for 24 hours, then burn it. And watch his name being consumed by the flames.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Forest said:


> Well, there's two factions here, like society at large. The faction that thinks OM has no responsibility, and the faction that thinks he deserves some retribution. The basic dynamic of people that demand responsibility vs those that shun it.
> 
> At a minimum, IMO, call him up, and tell him you want to see him face to face. He's wronged you, and you are challenging him on it. "Are you man enough to face me, or are you afraid? A coward?" He controls his destiny.
> 
> ...


But then he knows he is still messing with your life. Which would not be good, IMO.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jj4k said:


> Hello all.
> 
> I understand my wife is 90% responsible because she is the one that betrayed OUR marriage, but this guy initiated and pursued things initially knowing full well she was married.
> 
> Have any of you done things to the OM? What are some of the things you did?


 First of all she's 100% responsible. There's no way in hell this guy is getting you wife in bed, back seat or where ever the affair took place without your wife's consent.

Oh. My revenge was screwing the OM wife. Not a good idea and I don't advise it.

She's your wife then she is old enough to see all the red flag warnings from the smallest when she first started talking with this guy more than she should have been and after that the red flags got bigger until there was on in front of her that was huge and a blind man could see it and she ignored it and went ahead with the affair. 

IMO, what your doing is let it slide out of pride and she doesn't want anyone else to know who the OM is and to me, I say too bad and let everyone know who it was. 

She caused this mess and if it embarrassing to her then she should have thought about that before she did the deed. 

If you need to let everyone know who it was then go for it. She has only herself to blame


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Focus on your wife and HER accountability.

As far as OM goes, exposure is your only weapon. And you choose not to use it. Why? Was this your idea or wife's? What does he have on her? Likely, she has told you approx 15-20% of the situation. Dredging up the OM opens her up to more revelations and lies exposed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Voodoo and karma.
Seriously, why give someone more of your life and energy than they already helped themselves to. They're not the type of people that can feel punishment of any kind. All they can feel is power. If you want to give them that feeling, go ahead. For that type of personality/psyche the feeling is as good as sex.

You can feed it, or you can starve it. Your choice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Honestly, more info is needed from OP in order to properly advise him with regard to his current situation.

It's all well and good to say things like "Just ignore him, he's not worth your time...", "Just move on, living well is the best revenge...", etc, but let's be real... that's almost never what we advise here, and that's because *exposure* is widely seen as the single best way to break up an affair.

Without exposure, how can OP truly know that the affair is over or, at the very least, that the timeline and scope of the affair, as given to him by his wife, is accurate?

And gee, I sure hope that no children were born as a result of his wife's affair. Or, from his perspective, somewhere within that general timeframe.

Anyway, we may very well be dealing w/ a "one-and-done" poster. Let's wait and see.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Hi jj4k.

I am of the opinion you should discuss those feelings with the marriage counselor or (preferably) your therapist.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Anyone holding their breath waiting for post #2?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, more info is needed from OP in order to properly advise him with regard to his current situation.
> 
> It's all well and good to say things like "Just ignore him, he's not worth your time...", "Just move on, living well is the best revenge...", etc, but let's be real... that's almost never what we advise here, and that's because *exposure* is widely seen as the single best way to break up an affair.
> 
> ...


Legal consequences are legal consequences. These can be handled by an attorney. Children born of affair, diseases rendered, restraining orders, etc. Anything else is just hurt feelings and getting panties all twisted up. I see this as blaming other person on spouse's indiscretion and lack of poor judgement and self control. Blaming OM and punishing OM is demeaning to the W's sense of individuality and responsibility and equal standing with men. Ohhhhh, my W was seduced by some bad guy. As a woman, this sounds demeaning to me. If your W or H was weak, great, deal with it as a couple if you want to move on. But blaming someone who is not in your marriage is not going to do the marriage any favors. It just keeps the other person right where they didn't belong in the first place, in the marriage. And if you seek revenge or put blame on the OM, then the cheating spouse can always use that to avoid responsibility. The responsibility should be theirs, if they believed lies that were told to them, that's their bad. Not the liars. They were just trying to get what they wanted, should you blame the wolf for wanting to hunt? Wolves are wolves. Red Riding Hood needs to grow up! Why do you think we tell little girls about the wolf in disguise, in grandma's bed? :rofl:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Philat said:


> Anyone holding their breath waiting for post #2?


Not really...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Legal consequences are legal consequences. These can be handled by an attorney. Children born of affair, diseases rendered, restraining orders, etc. Anything else is just hurt feelings and getting panties all twisted up. *I see this as blaming other person on spouse's indiscretion and lack of poor judgement and self control. Blaming OM and punishing OM is demeaning to the W's sense of individuality and responsibility and equal standing with men. Ohhhhh, my W was seduced by some bad guy. As a woman, this sounds demeaning to me.* If your W or H was weak, great, deal with it as a couple if you want to move on. But blaming someone who is not in your marriage is not going to do the marriage any favors. It just keeps the other person right where they didn't belong in the first place, in the marriage. And if you seek revenge or put blame on the OM, then the cheating spouse can always use that to avoid responsibility. The responsibility should be theirs, if they believed lies that were told to them, that's their bad. Not the liars. They were just trying to get what they wanted, should you blame the wolf for wanting to hunt? Wolves are wolves. Red Riding Hood needs to grow up! Why do you think we tell little girls about the wolf in disguise, in grandma's bed? :rofl:


I have often had this same exact thought, but it's only valid if 100% of any blame is shifted away from the WW to OM. Obviously there's plenty of blame to go around, and both WW and OM are each rightfully assigned their fair portions.

I'd never advise anyone to pursue any sort of "revenge" against an OM (or an OW, for that matter) that could lead to any sort of legal repercussions but, at the same time, you aren't likely to find me crying in my beer for any man who has dared to lay his hands upon another man's wife. And since "what's good for the gander is good for the goose" (yep, you read that correctly), the same goes for just about any given OW. Simply put... "If you don't want the horns, don't f*ck w/ the bull."

Nice analogy w/ the wolves, BTW. But it is exactly the ability to "bring the wolf to heel" (or, as I call it, "putting the trog back into his cage") that makes a man a man. And any "man", having failed to do this where another man's wife is concerned, should fully expect to be met w/ the nothing less than the absolute, snarling hostility that can be brought to bear by the betrayed husband's own "wolf".


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

The fact that you can't seem to get over it tells the OM that he's winning. Even after the affair he's still getting under your skin. You decided to forgive a cheater, the one who swore to love and BE FAITHFUL to you, yet at the same time you want to hold a grudge and get revenge on the other dude, like it's all his fault or something. Kinda hypocritical isn't it?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I have often had this same exact thought, but it's only valid if 100% of any blame is shifted away from the WW to OM. Obviously there's plenty of blame to go around, and both WW and OM are each rightfully assigned their fair portions.
> 
> I'd never advise anyone to pursue any sort of "revenge" against an OM (or an OW, for that matter) that could lead to any sort of legal repercussions but, at the same time, you aren't likely to find me crying in my beer for any man who has dared to lay his hands upon another man's wife. And since "what's good for the gander is good for the goose" (yep, you read that correctly), the same goes for just about any given OW. Simply put... "If you don't want the horns, don't f*ck w/ the bull."
> 
> Nice analogy w/ the wolves, BTW. But it is exactly the ability to "bring the wolf to heel" (or, as I call it, "putting the trog back into his cage") that makes a man a man. And any "man", having failed to do this where another man's wife is concerned, should fully expect to be met w/ the nothing less than the absolute, snarling hostility that can be brought to bear by the betrayed husband's own "wolf".



This manly thing just reinforces the W's sense of being some kind of piece of meat that is drooled over by two incoherent wild animals bent on ripping each other to shreds. Or put up on some pedestal as a prize to be won by the man who 'wins' the manly p*ssing contest. Any W who cheats is not worth the effort of a fight. The best thing is to lay low and see if the W is actually interested in winning back trust and love and belonging to a family. Chasing off the OM / competition is just IMO some kind of show of lack of confidence in being the winner without any effort at all besides being oneself. It's like saying, I don't have to change myself or my marriage or relationship with my W, all I have to do is chase off the contenders and be a brute. Personally I find that unattractive, but then again I never cheated, because I also find men who intrude in marriages unattractive, even when the marriage is s*cky and the husband is a jerk.

The whole male chasing male off and guarding turf after the fact of sex having already occurred is just ridiculous to me and has a distinct misogynist feel to it.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Dude if you take exposure out of the equation pretty much you take any legal action of retribution out of the equation.

let me show you the power of exposure regarding retribution in the words of those who have actually done it:



Wanabeelee said:


> I posted him on cheaterville, sent a personal letter to his parents, informed his now ex-wife, sent to everyone on facebook that knew him, posted on forms where he was a member of organizations, sent to his work and to his fall back jobs, and sent to everyone of the appartments that he lives at.
> 
> Guess I was hoping he would be mad enough to start something. As I hear it he lost his job, his parents want talk to him anymore, Wife was reconsedering devorce till she found out, got kicked out organizations.





Refuse to be played said:


> I exposed him pretty hard. He lost his job, his girlfriend (who left her husband to be with him BTW), and what little respect his adult children had left for him. He goes on to say he gets why I acted as I did and he understands and bares no ill will for it. (As if I would give a f##k.) That it forced him to finally see his short sightedness and selfishness will have him ending up alone at the end of his life. So he wants to make changes in his life and his therapist said first step was make amends with those you wronged. So I guess me, his ex-W, ex-GF, her ex-BH, his kids, and who knows how many other people.


user: SomedayDig

*"Thanks to Shaggy, I took his suggestion as I had never heard of Cheaterville. So, I got the xOM's pic off his corporate law firm and put his scummy ass on the site.

After a couple months, and in a particularly vindictive mood, I decided to use the site's "anonymous" email system. I emailed the top 2 partners of the firm. The xOM was senior counsel at his office out of a corporation of 10 offices. Google has Cheaterville as the top listing when searching his name. As we know, an attorney is only as "good" as his name.

Within a month he was no longer on the corporate website."
*
see

exposure is neccesary if you feel the need of legal retribution.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I read e-mails from some of my husband's sex partners and he had not told the truth to the OW in many of them. 

While this guy may have pursued your wife relentlessly, maybe not......

Maybe you were dead, or gay, or beat your wife.... Are you sure you know the whole truth?

Nothing wrong about exposure but at this point, from what little you've written, I say let it go and work with a therapist on your marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> This manly thing just reinforces the W's sense of being some kind of piece of meat that is drooled over by two incoherent wild animals bent on ripping each other to shreds. Or put up on some pedestal as a prize to be won by the man who 'wins' the manly p*ssing contest. Any W who cheats is not worth the effort of a fight. The best thing is to lay low and see if the W is actually interested in winning back trust and love and belonging to a family. Chasing off the OM / competition is just IMO some kind of show of lack of confidence in being the winner without any effort at all besides being oneself. It's like saying, I don't have to change myself or my marriage or relationship with my W, all I have to do is chase off the contenders and be a brute. Personally I find that unattractive, but then again I never cheated, because I also find men who intrude in marriages unattractive, even when the marriage is s*cky and the husband is a jerk.
> 
> The whole male chasing male off and guarding turf after the fact of sex having already occurred is just ridiculous to me and has a distinct misogynist feel to it.


Make no mistake, I'm in agreement w/ you here.

BUT... Misogynistic or not, it's in our blood, and if you think it's at all difficult for a normal, healthy man to pass on sex, it is even more difficult for the very same man to restrain himself from beating the unholy blue dog sh*t out of any other man who has dared to touch his wife.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> BUT... Misogynistic or not, it's in our blood, and if you think it's at all difficult for a normal, healthy man to pass on sex, it is even more difficult for the very same man to restrain himself from beating the unholy blue dog sh*t out of any other man who has dared to touch his wife.


yeah women just don't get it, I guess is something really primal from the reptilian brain part of humans, when I reached puberty and began to seriously look women with sexual interest, I don't remember nobody sitting me and telling me that messing with another man's woman could end in serious injuries or death and yet everybody just like me seemed to get it without any sort of explanation


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manticore said:


> *yeah women just don't get it*, I guess is something really primal from the reptilian brain part of humans, when I reached puberty and began to seriously look women with sexual interest, I don't remember nobody sitting me and telling me that messing with another man's woman could end in serious injuries or death and yet everybody just like me seemed to get it without any sort of explanation


I wouldn't presume to speak for all of them but there are at least some ladies who do indeed "get it". I can remember at least a few instances over the years where Mrs. Gus was ready to start spitting fire and pulling hair when other women started to get a little too "talky" or "touchy" around me.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Forest said:


> Well, there's two factions here, like society at large. The faction that thinks OM has no responsibility, and the faction that thinks he deserves some retribution. The basic dynamic of people that demand responsibility vs those that shun it.
> 
> At a minimum, IMO, call him up, and tell him you want to see him face to face. He's wronged you, and you are challenging him on it. "Are you man enough to face me, or are you afraid? A coward?" He controls his destiny.
> 
> ...


It's much more complicated than you portray it.

I don't think that there is a significant faction here that thinks the OM bears no responsibility for his actions. Within the differing views here I just see varying degrees of focus on the OM and attitudes toward his responsibility to you as another man. I don't think the OM has any responsibility to you (unless he's your friend or family)...or to put it in the terms of a recent thread, he doesn't owe you anything.

Then there is the question of split responsibility where some people here see part of the 'blame' going to the OM and some of it to the WS. I reject this. Guys want to have sex with women and many have honed their seduction, persuasion, etc skills. That's just life. There are sharks all over. The OM is wrong and he must be responsible for his actions but this should not divert from the responsibility that your wife has to you. It might be difficult for her to resist but if a woman makes herself open for it, a guy is going to leverage that opening and work it until he gets what he wants. If it's not this guy, it will be another one. There is a swarm of men who would do whatever they can to get into your wife. It's her responsibility to you to make sure that this doesn't happen.

Go ahead, kick his a$$ if it makes you feel better and helps to deal with the humiliation that a man feels when another man 'disrespects' him. But realize that the problem with your marriage is right there at home not with this other man. Kicking his a$$ is not about your problem at home it's about trying to re-establish your manhood and holding your ground as a man. And I'm NOT saying that doing this is wrong, just that you need to be clear with yourself what it's about and what it's not about. Separate these issues and don't confuse your problem with your marriage with your problem with the OM.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Personally I think the bare minimum is to let OM's partner/gf (if he has one) know about the affair.

I think it is wrong to hide this from her, it makes you almost as bad as the two AP's in my opinion.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> This manly thing just reinforces the W's sense of being some kind of piece of meat that is drooled over by two incoherent wild animals bent on ripping each other to shreds. Or put up on some pedestal as a prize to be won by the man who 'wins' the manly p*ssing contest. Any W who cheats is not worth the effort of a fight. The best thing is to lay low and see if the W is actually interested in winning back trust and love and belonging to a family. Chasing off the OM / competition is just IMO some kind of show of lack of confidence in being the winner without any effort at all besides being oneself. It's like saying, I don't have to change myself or my marriage or relationship with my W, all I have to do is chase off the contenders and be a brute. Personally I find that unattractive, but then again I never cheated, because I also find men who intrude in marriages unattractive, even when the marriage is s*cky and the husband is a jerk.
> 
> The whole male chasing male off and guarding turf after the fact of sex having already occurred is just ridiculous to me and has a distinct misogynist feel to it.


Can't agree. The POExcrement OM weaselled his way into the hen house and my ex WS held the door open. The fact that she colluded is the more important issue to me. However this is only one part of the equation. The first thing I had to do was warn him off. Even after he had shat himself and collapsed like a deck of cards and told me a hell of a lot, he still tried to contact her 8 months after DDay. You have to understand HMU that this is very threatening for a man - we are talking about my life and what I thought was my family. Everything is inverted - emotions shattered. Do you think I'm going to stand idly by while this scum is putting the feelers out for extra helpings. Do you think I will wear another male nuking my haven and digging around in the ashes for a bit more. You don't know men if you think it is about misogyny. I'm not fighting for my ex WS I'm trying to show this piece of filth that if he f**ks with my life I am entitled to f**k with his.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I believe in retribution - big style

Over two years a week after dday 

She was gone 
I told his wife, I had incontrovertible evidence which she chose to not see - she did not believe me! 
"I've known him 20 years and you for 4 hours etc etc !"

They took it underground (as I predicted to her) 

A year later when he was getting closer to my kids I told her again

She then kicked him out on the basis it was a trial separation "we need time " from him

He got his own place and guess what? They went further underground!

Before last Christmas stbxw "wants to come back home" to me!. She admits to me they have simply carried on cheating on his wife and their child all along!! (yeah you couldn't make it up) 

I blew her out and told the OM wife/partner what they had been doing to her again all that year since he split with her to give them 'time' - Ultimate in cake eating from both of them

I blew their lives to smithereens at Christmas. He sees his son at wkends. I wrote to him outlining how mvstbx had done the same to him as she had done to me. He was now plan B !! and they were more or less stuck with each other 

*It was one of the greatest feelings in my entire life * 

Make no mistake it cause me many problems dealing with her since but they both got burned - FINALLY 

...And there's guaranteed to be more to to come 

Karma is underrated. I do not regret it half a percent :rofl:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP can you provide additional details. Why do you not want to expose this? Do you have children. What is OM's status?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Methinks OP is sitting back smiling at what he has wrought with his one post.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

manticore said:


> yeah women just don't get it, I guess is something really primal from the reptilian brain part of humans, when I reached puberty and began to seriously look women with sexual interest, I don't remember nobody sitting me and telling me that messing with another man's woman could end in serious injuries or death and yet everybody just like me seemed to get it without any sort of explanation


I'm a BS, a woman, and I get it. However, the OP claims to want to make sure the OM does not get by unscathed but at the same time wants to keep the affair a secret. I made sure the OW did not get by unscathed but the affair was not a secret nor was I trying to keep it that way. If this OP really wanted to make sure he would speed up karma for the OM, he'd have to give up on keeping his WW's affair a secret. He doesn't want to risk much so IMO there isn't much he can do in the way he'd like to. 

I'm R'ing with my WS and it's going well but there's no way in hell I would keep that secret for him. F that. Like he did me any favors by cheating on me. You play, you pay and that applies to him and his xOW. His affair was no shame on me. It rather was all on him and the xOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jambri said:


> The fact that you can't seem to get over it tells the OM that he's winning. Even after the affair he's still getting under your skin. You decided to forgive a cheater, the one who swore to love and BE FAITHFUL to you, yet at the same time you want to hold a grudge and get revenge on the other dude, like it's all his fault or something. Kinda hypocritical isn't it?


Not hypocritical at all.

He loves his wife. Not the OM.

He loves someone who cheated on him? Well, so what?:scratchhead:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jj4k said:


> Hello all.
> 
> My wife confessed a couple months ago to me of an affair she had a few years ago.
> 
> ...


Well since you don't want to expose, therefore saving face for your wife(and for you), and you forgave your wife, then your wife basically came away from this unharmed, IMO.

I always say the consequences for a cheating spouses affair partner should not be greater than the consequences of your spouse.

So exposure is the only thing I would recommend, and then let the chips fall where they may as in your marriage.




> I know many of you will advise not doing anything. Many will probably suggest we tell people what happened, but we have our reasons so calling him out in public/work about what happened won't work.
> 
> I'm struggling with what to do to him that will not expose what happened and nothing that could potentially get me in trouble.
> 
> I understand my wife is 90% responsible because she is the one that betrayed OUR marriage, *but this guy initiated and pursued things initially knowing full well she was married*.


While that makes him a grade A azzhole, that doesn't matter one iota. He pursued, your wife willingly jumped in. Please don't try to downplay your wife's role in this based on who made the first move.

Exposure is really the only thing I'd recommend, because like I said, his consequences should not be greater than that which you'd dole out to your own wife.
And if you have decided to forgive your wife and she doesn't have the shame of being exposed, then I'd recommend nothing for the OM if exposure is out of the question.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry bro. Hang in there and stay the course. Anger is a normal part of this process but the intensity of it will pass in time. 

Praying for you today!


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## jj4k (Jun 22, 2014)

Thank you to everyone that replied. They are all appreciated!!!

A few points of clarification:
1.) My wife absolutely did not come out of this unscathed! She has been MISERABLE with regret and remorse and completely depressed for most of the past several months. She feels completely responsible and by no means does she feel like I'm taking the blame off her. She is doing everything she can to work through this for herself, and us. This is extremely difficult for her. No matter what I do to OM, it will not compare to what my wife is going through (and I don't mean to sound sorry for her...she deserves to feel the brunt of this betrayal!)

2.) Not that it justifies things at all, but during the time of the affair we were in a real bad place in our relationship. We tried to improve our marriage for a while and after a long time of things not getting better, we both seemed to give up and were just going through the motions. We were just two people living in the same house more than a married couple. While it it is still NEVER okay to have an affair I can understand why she was more prone to it during this time. To be honest it crossed my mind on more than one occasion, during this time, but I never did. 

3.) I have thoroughly looked into things and to as much as someone can, verified everything my wife confessed is just about exactly what I can find out. I was EXTREMELY clear over the few days after dday that I NEEDED to know EVERYTHING if there was ANY chance of us getting though it. It was as bad and she answered every question I had. Believe me, I looked into more than I could of imagine looking into (things my wife would never think about) and couldn't find anything that contradicts what she confessed (length of affair, when it started, when it ended, etc...). I'm confident what she confessed was pretty close to what happened.

4.) I completely understand my issue with OM is 100% separate from my relationship with my wife. My wife and I are working on things between her and I. My need to do something to OM is something completely between me and OM. It's not going to make anything better between me and my wife. I guess it's just a man thing. He did this to me too, so I feel the need to make sure he knows it's not ok! Hell, I might be doing the potential next BS a favor if this guy thinks twice before doing something like this again.

5.) There has been ZERO attempts of contact from either my wife or OM. I'm sure many will be skeptical of this, but again, safe to say I have checked thoroughly and feel confident this is true. 

6.) So my need to do something to OM is not to chase him off. He is already gone and this is over between them.

7.) I have not chosen to keep the affair a secret to spare my wife's shame. This is a decision I have made myself as I feel is best for us moving forward.

So this puts me back to my dilemma. If I am not willing to expose the affair (because "I" do not feel it's best), what can I do to OM? What are other things you can do to someone that will not bring any potential legal consequences?

Thanks again all!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

As long as whatever you publicly do involves the truth, you are on sound footing.

If you want to go the stealth route, read up on VPNs, the TOR browser, etc. Find out how to look up public info on criminal charges, lawsuits, and any other legal proceedings he has been a party to. Most states have websites under "court records" or similar.

Spread the word on exactly what he is, then he cannot deny it, or accuse you of slander.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

This is one of those cases where Warlocks 'questionnaire' would come in handy.

Does he have a girlfriend or a wife?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

jj4k said:


> So this puts me back to my dilemma. If I am not willing to expose the affair (because "I" do not feel it's best), what can I do to OM? What are other things you can do to someone that will not bring any potential legal consequences?
> 
> Thanks again all!


If I were you, I would forget the stigma and go see a mental health professional.

You are spinning about revenge against this guy but hiding your wife's behavior like it's your behavior.

I think therapy is in order. Honestly. Go explore that.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Agree with TimeHeals. You don't want to expose OM for whatever reason, yet you're starting to think up ways of "doing things to him" whatever that means.

You feel OM got away free..maybe but you dont want to expose, then don't. It's pretty simple.

I'm not really getting what the purpose of the thread is. What exactly are you looking for. You dont want to expose, yet you ask for help about what to do about OM? What exactly are you expecting people to tell you, when you already placed a constraint. That limits the answers to well...something possible illegal or stuff that could get you into trouble.

Focus on your marriage.


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## jj4k (Jun 22, 2014)

I understand I'm limited in what I can do if I'm not willing to expose or do anything illegal.

I haven't been able to come up with anything. That is why I am asking for anything else that anyone can come up with.

The point of my post was to see if any of you have any ideas.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you feel you are confident that you've gotten the complete truth, and OM Hasn't contacted your wife, then let the sleeping dog lie. Beyond exposure there isn't anything you can do.

Why instigate trouble and invite him back into your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

jj4k said:


> I understand I'm limited in what I can do if I'm not willing to expose or do anything illegal.
> 
> I haven't been able to come up with anything. That is why I am asking for anything else that anyone can come up with.
> 
> The point of my post was to see if any of you have any ideas.


Would 'not exposing' include not informing his girlfriend or wife if he has one?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Questions for OP...

What has your wife's reaction been when discussing exposure in the past?

How did you find out about the affair?

Do you know OM personally? Who is he? Old or current co-worker of your wife?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Sign him up for gay prono mags. I am sure if he is married the wife will WTF???

Pay for them with a prepaid card untraceable. And a new email.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

jj4k said:


> I understand I'm limited in what I can do if I'm not willing to expose or do anything illegal.
> 
> I haven't been able to come up with anything. That is why I am asking for anything else that anyone can come up with.
> 
> The point of my post was to see if any of you have any ideas.


Unless you are willing to expose the affair, really, what is there to do that is still legal? I understand you have a reason(s) you are choosing not to expose, but.....?

Like others have said, if the OM has a GF or wife then she should know what happened with your WW. In fact, she deserves to know what took place in her life without her knowledge or consent. 

Exposure that involves only factual information cannot get the exposer in any type of legal trouble. I have proof of all information I used in exposure of my WS's affair with the xOW.

Beyond exposure I am sure there are plenty of illegal things a person can do to exact revenge or whatever you want to call it....and pretty much illegal things are all that's left with your constraints regarding exposure. Especially if you're looking for something relatively quick and easy to accomplish. 

Even if not illegal, there are plenty of petty things a person could do but those things probably won't - ultimately - give you much satisfaction. IMO, there is probably nothing you can do that will ever make you feel the scales are back in balance, at least not on a long-term basis. But who knows, YMMV with that one. 

I won't make any suggestions related to your OP about using TOR instead of IE, Safari, Firefox, etc but I will say TOR is a browser I have successfully used in the past for increased anonymity while on the web. 

Lastly, have you thought through why you want to do something to the OM and not your WW? I 'get it' there was an existing relationship, love, etc with your wife and not the OM but on the flip side, they were both involved in the affair and SHE cheated on you. The pain she's experienced since admitting to the affair was avoidable by not having the affair in the first place. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes in my own life/marriage but cheating is a choice, a totally avoidable one at that. If you do manage to find a way to get the OM to pay a price for his actions with your WW, what will you do if next, after doing something to the OM, your anger regarding the affair is then pointed squarely at your WW? It's a very distinct possibility and one worth a lot of consideration given some of the things you've mentioned. I don't remember if you said so or not but are you in IC?

Just my .02 and no need to actually reply to those questions, just food for thought.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

If things were really as you said, that she persued hard your wife while in a really rought time in your marriage, and when he had enough left the "relationship" with your wife without trying to conatact her again Odds are that he is a serial cheater accustomed to this kind of behaviour:

- looking vulnerable targets
- engaging for some months for his pleasure
- being very discret for experience.
- leaving without many drama or evidence of the affair.

all of that are characteristic of marital predators, so odds are that he probably is involved (or at least trying to be) with onother woman, you can pay for PI to track him and checking to see if he is cuckolding someone else and from there you can wreck his life.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

You need to be more forthcoming here 

You're almost unique in bizarrely not wanting to blow OM life up 

WHY? Whats that all about? There has to be a damn good reason for that 

One thing if there are any lingering doubts you have about not being told the full extent then this will help keep them apart.

And another thing you *are* protecting your wife. I did the same I thought 'God it's just more embarrassment for poor her from family friends she doesn't need, if she's to give the reconciliation the full focus it needs' 

This is flawed thinking. After all is said and done yours or anyone else's wayward wife all think "phew thank fk that's all done ........didn't seem to be quite as bad a fall out as I imagined" They all, given these responses, think they *got away with it* which I can tell you for a fact leaves you more vulnerable in the future 

I think you're rugsweeping. Its what I did and in most cases it always comes back to bite your arse yet again


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

As per the advice given to me, think about how YOU feel about all this. What YOU feel about it, what YOU want from the situation, what YOU need to happen to feel comfortable about moving forward in your marriage and forgiving and forgetting the past.

For me, I was only able to do that with therapy, and it also involved digging up a lot of other stuff about my life.

So, my advice would be to find out about YOURSELF and what YOU need. Forget about both your WW and the OM until you have a clear understanding of what YOU want and need to be able to move past this.

Good luck.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Perhaps even some time living by yourself might really help you clear the fog. It worked for me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

> 7.) I have not chosen to keep the affair a secret to spare my wife's shame. This is a decision I have made myself as I feel is best for us moving forward.


IMHO, you only go as far as you are willing to go when it comes to making your wife deal with the consequences. As a few have pointed out, expose the affair to the OM's wife/GF. After that, I'd say there isn't anything else you SHOULD do if you are not willing to do the same to your wife.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jj4k said:


> Thank you to everyone that replied. They are all appreciated!!!
> A few points of clarification:
> 
> 2.) Not that it justifies things at all, but during the time of the affair we were in a real bad place in our relationship. We tried to improve our marriage for a while and after a long time of things not getting better, we both seemed to give up and were just going through the motions. We were just two people living in the same house more than a married couple. While it it is still NEVER okay to have an affair I can understand why she was more prone to it during this time. To be honest it crossed my mind on more than one occasion, during this time, but I never did.
> ...


 If your not willing to expose the affair, then IMO, your rug sweeping it and then it never goes away

If your marriage was rocky, then her having an affair sure as hell doesn't help but make it worse. Rather than finding a solution to the problem, she stepped out of the marriage and had an affair. Honestly, I don't see anything worth saving.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jj4k said:


> Thank you to everyone that replied. They are all appreciated!!!
> 
> A few points of clarification:
> 1.) My wife absolutely did not come out of this unscathed! She has been MISERABLE with regret and remorse and completely depressed for most of the past several months. She feels completely responsible and by no means does she feel like I'm taking the blame off her. She is doing everything she can to work through this for herself, and us. This is extremely difficult for her. No matter what I do to OM, it will not compare to what my wife is going through (and I don't mean to sound sorry for her...she deserves to feel the brunt of this betrayal!)


So lets say you are successful in ruining the OM's life. Obviously your wife's life isn't ruined, nor would I suggest you do so.

Point is, the only thing you can do is expose and give him the possibility of the same consequences as your wife. Whether his wife(if married) forgives him or not is beside the point. 

Exposure is it, IMO my man. This gives him the risk of getting the same "consequences" as your wife was afforded.




> 4.) I completely understand my issue with OM is 100% separate from my relationship with my wife. My wife and I are working on things between her and I. My need to do something to OM is something completely between me and OM. It's not going to make anything better between me and my wife. I guess it's just a man thing. He did this to me too, so I feel the need to make sure he knows it's not ok!


Well then there you go. You can meet him. Get it out face to face. There really isn't much you can do other than that or exposure that would make sense, IMO.




> 7.) I have not chosen to keep the affair a secret to spare my wife's shame. This is a decision I have made myself as I feel is best for us moving forward.


Then face to face meeting with OM is all you should probably consider if exposure is out of the question. Because exposure would be doling out the possibility of equivalent consequences for OM as was for your wife, again, that is if he is married.



> So this puts me back to my dilemma. If I am not willing to expose the affair (because "I" do not feel it's best), what can I do to OM? What are other things you can do to someone that will not bring any potential legal consequences?


Don't know, that is up to you. All I can say is if your goal is to destroy him, it doesn't make sense if you also would not want to destroy your wife's life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Make no mistake, I'm in agreement w/ you here.
> 
> BUT... Misogynistic or not, it's in our blood, and if you think it's at all difficult for a normal, healthy man to pass on sex, it is even more difficult for the very same man to restrain himself from beating the unholy blue dog sh*t out of any other man who has dared to touch his wife.


So are you saying that women do not also feel that way?
We can behave like animals or we can behave like humans who have an understanding and control of our animal side.
There is a choice, and succumbing to brute instinct is not really the best one, unless we would like to devolve into a violent anarchy. We are already heading that way on a macro level, why reinforce it on a micro level.

Hormones, instinct blah blah blah blah.
Another fault of humans is their use of words to justify their acts of brutality.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jj4k said:


> 7.) I have not chosen to keep the affair a secret to spare my wife's shame. This is a decision I have made myself as I feel is best for us moving forward.


Look, there's not much you can do without exposing him that isn't junior high in nature.

You're not worried about shaming your wife? Best for "us" going forward?

What I think, is that you're afraid of losing your wife if you expose, afraid of upsetting her, afraid of putting a crimp in your R - and that's not a good place to be in after she's had an A. To her, their exposure should be an expected consequence, and a *needed* one. And for you; not exposing him has obviously gotten in your head. 

Put the SOB on cheaterville.com and be done with it. And if your wife doesn't like it - Too. Damn. Bad.


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## jj4k (Jun 22, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Questions for OP...
> 
> What has your wife's reaction been when discussing exposure in the past?


While she's not happy about the possibility, she understands if I feel the need to expose and is as okay as can be expected if I wanted to. I just don't think it's in our best interest moving forward. 



GusPolinski said:


> How did you find out about the affair?


She told me. Feel like an idiot, I had NO idea!



GusPolinski said:


> Do you know OM personally? Who is he? Old or current co-worker of your wife?


I don't know him personally, but I know who he is.


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## jj4k (Jun 22, 2014)

sirdano said:


> Sign him up for gay prono mags. I am sure if he is married the wife will WTF???
> 
> Pay for them with a prepaid card untraceable. And a new email.


This mad me smile. Thanks for that! I actually like the idea! Maybe I'll add some "requested" information on the treatment of a sexually transmitted disease.

I'm not looking to ruin his life as some have assumed. Just feel the need to do something.

Any other suggestions welcome...


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

jj4k said:


> This mad me smile. Thanks for that! I actually like the idea! Maybe I'll add some "requested" information on the treatment of a sexually transmitted disease.
> 
> I'm not looking to ruin his life as some have assumed. Just feel the need to do something.
> 
> Any other suggestions welcome...


It shouldn't be too tough to find good junior high school pranks on the web. I'm sure with the internet readily available someone would request STD info mailed to their house. Yep, sounds like a likely story. If you think that idea would hurt the OM as much as your wife's affair hurt you then you are very likely sadly mistaken. Good luck with the rug sweeping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Horizon said:


> Can't agree. The POExcrement OM weaselled his way into the hen house and my ex WS held the door open. The fact that she colluded is the more important issue to me. However this is only one part of the equation. The first thing I had to do was warn him off. Even after he had shat himself and collapsed like a deck of cards and told me a hell of a lot, he still tried to contact her 8 months after DDay. You have to understand HMU that this is very threatening for a man - we are talking about my life and what I thought was my family. Everything is inverted - emotions shattered. Do you think I'm going to stand idly by while this scum is putting the feelers out for extra helpings. Do you think I will wear another male nuking my haven and digging around in the ashes for a bit more. You don't know men if you think it is about misogyny. I'm not fighting for my ex WS I'm trying to show this piece of filth that if he f**ks with my life I am entitled to f**k with his.


To me, you sound violent and entitled. I would be afraid to be your W. Even my exH was violent and entitled, he was cheating and thus believed (or so he said) that I was cheating and he thought this entitled him to behave like some kind of brute pissing around marking his territory, including trying to impregnate me. As a result, I fled. No amount of reconciliation is possible for a woman once she feels threatened by violence. Maybe it works during Medieval Times, but in a society where people are free they will tend to gravitate towards the environment where they feel the most safe and secure.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Hire somebody!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is really about punishing him, exposure is one way, in most cases exposure is to keep the other POS so busy they cannot even think about trying to nail your wife again. 

So the rest is about revenge. beat him up, cause him mental pain. I would say at this point if you are 110% sure that he has not tried to contact your wife you should just let things go, lay it down. I used to go shoot skeet, go to the driving range and my all time rage event was the batting cages. I would put his face on everything at least in my mind and beat it to death.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mahike said:


> This is really about punishing him, exposure is one way, in most cases exposure is to keep the other POS so busy they cannot even think about trying to nail your wife again.


If your wife is so smitten by another guy that she's going to jump back in the sack with him if he comes around you may need to asked yourself what you're trying to accomplish.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

jj4k said:


> While she's not happy about the possibility, she understands if I feel the need to expose and is as okay as can be expected if I wanted to.* I just don't think it's in our best interest moving forward. *


Here we are again...

You JJ want some skin (reasonable considering the affair), but you don't want to draw any attention to your WW or your marriage status. 

Sorry dude, it just doesn't work that way, never has never will. You have got to be willing to "take one to give one" if you will.

Bottom line... the TRUTH, no matter how painful, how scary, how powerful... was, is, and will be Righteous and Pure and will long surpass anything else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior continues with out consequences.

At least when your old lady does this crap again she can count on you keeping your mouth shut.

Phuck the OM and expose the hell out of this affair.

Maybe if the OM is equally afraid of exposure then you might be able to get a few bunches to his skull and the OM will blame it on falling instead of a betrayed husband kicking the sh1t out of him for phucking a mans wife wife!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

No way advocating violence. I agree with "the guy" it's really about consequences... for everyone involved, no free ride here. 

If you read around here and else you will hear that Affairs are not the number #1 reason for divorce. The "writers" always dilute the affairs down to relationship issues and lack of understanding... reality just poetic metaphors for screwing your husbands best friend behind his back. My family is full of Lawyers... they all agree, #1 Affairs, #2 Abuse, #3 Money. 

The point... "we" have as a society of niceness, removed the harsh, stark, reality of consequences. Blame it on Mommy and Daddy. As Don Henley said many years ago "Get Over It!". 

Rant almost over... back to "Need Help with what to do with OM"... palm slapping upside my head... Consequences!

Last thing... Read a quote from "Big Jake" (John Wayne) about consequences... maybe you just might get it?

Jacob 'Big Jake' McCandles: *And now *you* understand. Anything goes wrong, anything at all... your fault, my fault, nobody's fault... it won't matter - I'm gonna blow your head off. No matter what else happens, no matter who gets killed I'm gonna blow your head off.*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm kind of scratching my head over here. Short of either exposure or inflicting physical harm (which I wouldn't advise, by the way), just about anything that you could do to the guy is going to come off as passive and weak, and couldn't possibly bring much to you in terms of satisfaction.

I'd recommend a Cheaterville profile at the least. This isn't for revenge, per se, but rather to serve as a warning to any potential future BH's who suddenly find their wives talking excessively about "this new guy at work".

With respect to the profile itself, make it factual. Don't include any references to yourself in the first person. Nothing that could be construed as slanderous -- just the facts. You could write it from his perspective... maybe start w/ something like...

"I'm a twice-divorced 42-year-old car salesman who enjoys going after married women."

...and go from there.

I'll ask again... Who is this guy? You've already mentioned that you don't know him personally, but that's not what I'm asking. Who is he/was he to your wife? Old boyfriend? Old co-worker? Former college roommate's best friend's ex-husband? Is he married? Was he married when the affair occurred and, if so, is he still married to the same woman?

What are the conditions under which your wife confessed the affair?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Headspin said:


> You need to be more forthcoming here
> 
> You're almost unique in bizarrely not wanting to blow OM life up
> 
> ...


Can you answer please and other people's direct questions or for me at least this thread is a fiction?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm kind of scratching my head over here. Short of either exposure or inflicting physical harm (which I wouldn't advise, by the way),


True, but not only that:
Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine - YouTube

It makes me laugh when all the Betrayed Husbands on here go on about how they're going to do 'this', 'that' and the 'other' to the OM, but they also acknowledge _"I need to get in the gym first"._

And how many domesticated, out-of-shape, Beta husbands know how to actually _throw _a punch anyway?
I'd say 4,000% less than they think.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

davecarter said:


> True, but not only that:
> Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine - YouTube
> 
> It makes me laugh when all the Betrayed Husbands on here go on about how they're going to do 'this', 'that' and the 'other' to the OM, but they also acknowledge _"I need to get in the gym first"._
> ...


I'm sure you realized it, but just for other's clarity that's a parody piece from The Onion.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

davecarter said:


> True, but not only that:
> Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine - YouTube
> 
> It makes me laugh when all the Betrayed Husbands on here go on about how they're going to do 'this', 'that' and the 'other' to the OM, but they also acknowledge _"I need to get in the gym first"._
> ...


LOL!



Forest said:


> I'm sure you realized it, but just for other's clarity that's a parody piece from The Onion.


Double LOL!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> So are you saying that women do not also feel that way?


No, not at all. In fact, I addressed this notion as well...



GusPolinski said:


> Make no mistake, I'm in agreement w/ you here.
> 
> BUT... Misogynistic or not, it's in our blood, and if you think it's at all difficult for a normal, healthy man to pass on sex, it is even more difficult for the very same man to restrain himself from beating the unholy blue dog sh*t out of any other man who has dared to touch his wife.





manticore said:


> yeah women just don't get it, I guess is something really primal from the reptilian brain part of humans, when I reached puberty and began to seriously look women with sexual interest, I don't remember nobody sitting me and telling me that messing with another man's woman could end in serious injuries or death and yet everybody just like me seemed to get it without any sort of explanation





GusPolinski said:


> I wouldn't presume to speak for all of them but there are at least some ladies who do indeed "get it". I can remember at least a few instances over the years where Mrs. Gus was ready to start spitting fire and pulling hair when other women started to get a little too "talky" or "touchy" around me.





Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> We can behave like animals or we can behave like humans who have an understanding and control of our animal side.
> There is a choice, and succumbing to brute instinct is not really the best one, unless we would like to devolve into a violent anarchy. We are already heading that way on a macro level, why reinforce it on a micro level.
> 
> Hormones, instinct blah blah blah blah.
> Another fault of humans is their use of words to justify their acts of brutality.


Look, I (sort of) agree w/ you here, but, either way, I'll use some of your own words to provide additional response...

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Here's the bottom line... Anyone, having put his or her hands on another person's spouse, should fully expect that -- at the very least -- he or she going is going to be met w/ physical violence, and ESPECIALLY if the betrayed spouse catches WS and OM/OW "in the act". Period. Whether this is "wrong", "barbaric", or representative of some sort of (further) de-evolution of our society doesn't even figure into things. We are both "human" and "animal", but the human in each of us is something that merely sits on top of the underlying animal -- and infidelity is one of the relative handful of experiences that has the potential to unleash the underlying animal.

Now, to be clear... I'm not necessarily saying that any violence directed at an OM/OW by the BS is justifiable, just that it's understandable. And, honestly, given the potential for serious legal ramifications, I'd definitely advise against it.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Forest said:


> I'm sure you realized it, but just for other's clarity that's a parody piece from The Onion.


Where I got it from...yeah. 

But joking aside, not _that _far from the truth.

Unless you're tooled-up with a baseball-bat or tyre-iron (_in whcih case, you're going to jail anyway_), then you have to make sure you're pretty handy with your fists (_in which case, you're also probably going to jail anyway_)

Unless you're going to go Defcon One with a Cheaterville post, then that's also pretty futile.

If you really wanted revenge/retribution, shagging the OM's wife/girlfriend is pretty neat and wrecking his marriage is way more damaging.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I've never for a second considered physical retribution on main OM

Break his nose? he'll be fine in three weeks, his arm? in two months.

Wait for an opportunity that will at some point come along to permanently irrevocably ruin his life, possibly financially or emotionally (he's already had some of that from mstbx!) ? 

I'll wait. Happily. 

The time will come. It's inevitable, a chance will fall into my lap at some random point

And when it does .....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Look, go get counseling and go back to your marriage. I don't read you as violent, entitled or any other misandry based lecture you may receive. You just had your ego severely bruised and your marriage harmed, but you don't want your wife to have any consequences. So, you are projecting all of your rage onto the other man. We see it her all of the time. I'd mention the most famous projecting poster, but I said I'd leave him alone.

No, her feeling sorry and sad is not a consequence, it is a reaction. A consequence would be exposure. The OM getting beat up, is not a consequence for her either. Go to marriage counseling and Individual counseling and continue to wait for the next incident.

I'm curious, you have not mentioned:
How the other man knows you found out.
Why she informed you of the affair.
Do you monitor her communication.
How you have confirmed there is no contact.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm kind of scratching my head over here. Short of either exposure or inflicting physical harm (which I wouldn't advise, by the way), just about anything that you could do to the guy is going to come off as passive and weak, and couldn't possibly bring much to you in terms of satisfaction.
> 
> I'd recommend a Cheaterville profile at the least. This isn't for revenge, per se, but rather to serve as a warning to any potential future BH's who suddenly find their wives talking excessively about "this new guy at work".
> 
> ...


Why not just tattoo an "A" on his head while he's sleeping?
Point is, if it was really a good idea, society would still be doing it. If extramarital sex were a crime, we would be punishing it as such. Some states do, some states have moved on and decided that they cannot legislate sexual morality or administer religious punishments with public monies and resources.

There is no way for a man to 'punish' another man for getting it on with his wife without the 'punisher' looking like a fool. It's just highlighting the fact that your wife wanted someone other than yourself, for whatever reason. It happens. Not saying it's not a tragedy for those affected, but punishing just makes the guy who got cheated on ridiculous. And if decide to divorce, reputation is going to follow you as such.

Here's the thing, the more victims get out of control of themselves and 'squawk' the more they discredit themselves. Let other people make their own decisions about people, you don't need to put someone on Cheaterville or whatever in order to do some other guy a service in interpreting the 'dangers' to his wife when she starts talking about 'some new guy' at work. 

It you want to squawk and react, do so, but not in the name of doing some unknown persons favors that they may or may not need.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> No, not at all. In fact, I addressed this notion as well...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, yes, around here we just laugh about the guys who have a few pockmarks on their bums from being shot at as they exited a window, and we don't remark on how much the woman's son looks like the guy with the pockmarks. 

But it stops there. One shot and you're done. 
After that people laugh and learn to live together in the same town. 

Oh wait, that was 40 years ago...

Now, sex with anyone does not mean that you actually deserve to be punished by someone any more than the law actually allows, through normal legal channels and as DECIDED UPON BY SOCIETY through LEGAL CHANNELS AND LEGISLATION. You don't get to make your own laws or have the laws of nature as you interpret them TRUMP society's decision for non-violence among the population.

If you can't control your emotions go live in a society that allows death by stoning.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Why not just tattoo an "A" on his head while he's sleeping?


What, you mean like Captain America? LOL.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Point is, if it was really a good idea, society would still be doing it. If extramarital sex were a crime, we would be punishing it as such. Some states do, some states have moved on and decided that they cannot legislate sexual morality or administer religious punishments with public monies and resources.


Eh... While I agree that it shouldn't be a _crime_, per se, I do feel that a betrayed spouse should be able to pursue some sort of civil recompense against those who have wronged him. Some states have alienation of affection statues on the books -- I believe that all of them should. The other side of this, of course, would be the recognition of "at fault" divorces in all states. That both of these notions have been largely done away w/ is more about judicial laziness than anything else.

Sorry, but it just doesn't seem at all reasonable to me for the state to totally overlook something as painful as infidelity while simultaneously telling a betrayed spouse that he or she has no available avenue by which he or she can seek to achieve some sort of satisfaction.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *There is no way for a man to 'punish' another man for getting it on with his wife without the 'punisher' looking like a fool.* It's just highlighting the fact that your wife wanted someone other than yourself, for whatever reason. It happens. Not saying it's not a tragedy for those affected, but punishing just makes the guy who got cheated on ridiculous. And if decide to divorce, reputation is going to follow you as such.


This is true only when the punishment is not severe enough.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Here's the thing, the more victims get out of control of themselves and 'squawk' the more they discredit themselves. Let other people make their own decisions about people, you don't need to put someone on Cheaterville or whatever in order to do some other guy a service in interpreting the 'dangers' to his wife when she starts talking about 'some new guy' at work.
> 
> It you want to squawk and react, do so, but not in the name of doing some unknown persons favors that they may or may not need.


While I'd agree that some dignity is called for, I disagree w/ your stated opinion regarding the validity of CV. After all, pay it forward!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, yes, around here we just laugh about the guys who have a few pockmarks on their bums from being shot at as they exited a window, and we don't remark on how much the woman's son looks like the guy with the pockmarks.
> 
> But it stops there. One shot and you're done.
> After that people laugh and learn to live together in the same town.
> ...


So... I guess time heals all...? Well, that and no shortage of rugsweeping.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Now, sex with anyone does not mean that you actually deserve to be punished by someone any more than the law actually allows, through normal legal channels and as DECIDED UPON BY SOCIETY through LEGAL CHANNELS AND LEGISLATION. You don't get to make your own laws or have the laws of nature as you interpret them TRUMP society's decision for non-violence among the population.


OK, so we're in agreement here. Now let's the get requisite statutes and punishments reinstated.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If you can't control your emotions go live in a society that allows death by stoning.


I guess I should thank you for stopping just short of calling me a neanderthal.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Has the question been answered as to whether this guy is single or married? I didn't see it anywhere, but I scanned quick.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Of course, if we are going to allow punishment, there will need to be more evidence, so then that means more lack of privacy and more people justifying breaking the law using recordings where people should be able to expect privacy, more illegal hacking into other's email accounts, etc.

We will end up like Sudan, where we can just go accusing each other's spouse's of crimes...

I thought we were evolving away from a religious police state?
Isn't this what we are supposedly fighting wars over?

hahahahahaha.

Chattel is what it is. By being married you think it needs to guarantee your spouse have no sex with anyone but you. This is ridiculous as people are going to be people.

The response for those who expect such perfection is to divorce spouse and get someone who is just like you (and expect to be spied upon and treated like chattel.)


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

davecarter said:


> It makes me laugh when all the Betrayed Husbands on here go on about how they're going to do 'this', 'that' and the 'other' to the OM, but they also acknowledge _"I need to get in the gym first"._
> 
> And how many domesticated, out-of-shape, Beta husbands know how to actually _throw _a punch anyway?
> I'd say 4,000% less than they think.


I glad you said it Dave. Turning the OM loose maybe a lot harder than grabbing him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Of course, if we are going to allow punishment, there will need to be more evidence, so then that means more lack of privacy and more people justifying breaking the law using recordings where people should be able to expect privacy, more illegal hacking into other's email accounts, etc.
> 
> We will end up like Sudan, where we can just go accusing each other's spouse's of crimes...
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jj4k said:


> This mad me smile. Thanks for that! I actually like the idea! Maybe I'll add some "requested" information on the treatment of a sexually transmitted disease.
> 
> I'm not looking to ruin his life as some have assumed. Just feel the need to do something.
> 
> Any other suggestions welcome...


Did you post him on cheaterville? That way, you give him a ding and just maybe save someone else from him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Of course, if we are going to allow punishment, there will need to be more evidence, so then that means more lack of privacy and more people justifying breaking the law using recordings where people should be able to expect privacy, more illegal hacking into other's email accounts, etc.
> 
> We will end up like Sudan, where we can just go accusing each other's spouse's of crimes...
> 
> ...


You sound like a cheating spouse....or some one who has drank the koolaid... and ask for more. The Bible even states(to paraphrase) Do not lie with another mans wife, lest you evoke his wrath...not even the promise of gifts will appease him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok, here is a question, the answer will lead to my next reply.

Do you want to destroy the OM in some way? Get him fired or something like that? Ruin his life in some way?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Do you want to destroy the OM in some way? Get him fired or something like that? Ruin his life in some way?


That will serve as a learning curve. The next time it will be a lot easier.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Chattel is what it is. By being married you think it needs to guarantee your spouse have no sex with anyone but you. This is ridiculous as people are going to be people.
> 
> The response for those who expect such perfection is to divorce spouse and get someone who is just like you (and expect to be spied upon and treated like chattel.)


How disappointing. I've read parts of your story. You're a BW and your XH was a serial cheater. So now you're bitter.

And now you've decided that the vows of marriage shouldn't mean anything because your ex was a serial cheater. How sad.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You could create a cheaterville posting of him and send the link to his parents and friends. 
You could pass out a letter detailing what he did at his church. 
You could make sure his SO knows about it
If he's married you could hire a hooker to show up when his SO is at home. 

Just keep in mind that he can do the same things as well to your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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