# Another Destroyed M, from a Different Cultural Perspective



## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

I have been reading the forum for a while and even post some responses, but just now I feel that I can write my story here. I am more at peace with my current situation now and this is probably more like venting and introducing myself. I could still be so lost that I am not sure if I am looking for any answer in this forum.

Never, ever, in our marriage did either she or I say the word D. After 1 year being away in another country, I came back only to find an email note from her asking for a D. So, fights ensued. This was in February of this year.

In one of the fights, the wife confessed to an affair, running possibly 4 years long. She said she broke off with the first guy sometime in October last year. That was when they were discussing her leaving me to marry the OM. The first affair become physical when she went for a training in that country for 3 months. Coming back from that training, she was so cold. I couldn't touch her at all and she was so pissed at me like I did something so wrong. Boy, was I so naive or what? In her confession, she said she only did "it" once with the boyfriend. Oh well, I super doubt it but I will never know.

I have to admit that she was becoming colder before I took the job overseas. I came back every month to visit her. She and the boy (9 y.o.) visited me twice.

My gut feeling was that the trickle-truth that she engaged in was just to get what she wanted (divorce). It was finally able to intercept her communications. There was indeed a second, on-going affair with a 2nd man. The communication was all done over the internet, complete with all the languages and adult pictures. Something straight out of the "script". The second affair, later I found out, started only 6 - 7 months ago (approx 2 months after she broke off with the 1st man). In spite of us coming from a different culture (than the West), she showed all the signs; keeping the iphone locked and playing with it, even taking it into the bathroom with her, the rewrite of the history, not owning up, blaming, etc. Boy, all those hurt, don't they.

As soon as I found out about the 2nd affair, I moved out to my own rented house (our house was given to us by her parents), quit my job at her parents business, and take the kid with me. This is not the good ol' USA. In this island, fathers get to take boys. Goodness, I was a mental wreck at the beginning. From the first D note, until about a couple months, I was in a bad shape. I think being able to intercept her communications helped me to decide, a lot. Initally I didn't sleep for 2 days (google Sudden Divorce Syndrome), and for a long time, I was only able to sleep 2 or 3 hours max daily. I could wake up with a really bad dream and my heart was racing. Looking back, I should've taken some meds. Those nights were scary. I lost a lot of weight also. However, now it is 7 months and I am doing so much better. Old pants still fit me now, though.

It is funny how I fit the BS / BH profile. I tried everything to save my marriage. I was being super nice, trying to woo her back in the first 3 months. Then I smarted up and did the 180. Later, after finding out the current affair, I was more affirmed to doing the 180.

I don't know if she still is continuing the affair. I knew from one of the last times I checked (couple of months ago), she had a big fight with the AP and looked like they really broke off. Not much you can get out of pipe dreams, I guess. But it looks like she still is in the fog and remain defiant to her parents now (the parents strongly oppose the idea of D and have been supportive to me). I have gone dark since I moved out.

I wish my story could be like one of the success stories in this forum. I am the kind of person that treasures our 11-years of marriage. To me it is a sacred obligation to the kid, to the ancestors. I can't even imagine a R, since there were no signs of remorse. I guess one of the questions I have, is how I can possibly get an expression of remorse if I still cut off all communications. She knows where we live and visited the boy several times. I think I am expecting that she comes forward and make a serious effort for a R (did I answer my own question?). Also still in my head, does showing some NG traits have to result in something as fatal as this? I can only tell myself that this is all about her problems and not mine. In the mean time, I will steam forward for a D. Marriage is not worth the piece of paper it is written on for her anyway. In retrospect, she did show the signs that point all these to be an exit affair.

Yes, I may have some "nice guy" traits. So, I am working on it. I am trying to get away from feeling sorry for myself too much. My current concern is to move on from this temporary employment and find a decent steady job. I am an American trained electrical engineer with extensive experience. I am confident I can make it. No, the D is not finalized yet. I guess I finally come to grips that this marriage will not survive. Why it takes so long for me to realize it, don't know. I treasure my marriage. In our country, divorce is frowned upon. I am not happy that now I am going to be in the statistics and we both have thrown our little human being into hell. Now I can only try to make sure that all his needs are met by trying the best father I can be and the best man I can be.

Thank you for reading, people. Good luck to you all and to me in this new journey.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. Very similar to mine, so I empathize. As people have told me on here, with these type of women, there is nothing to do but file D, 180, and move on.

As hard as it is, especially having a child, you will find happiness with a better woman who respects you and marriage if you choose to.

There is a blog you should read, it's Chumplady. Check it out.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Bookofjob,
My story resembles about 40%
I stay and not decided on D or R.
I can partially feel how you feel.
My advise is LET HER GO.
She did not evince remorse. Move on.......


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

*Letter Signed*

Thanks guys,

I know this is probably cheating wife thread number 1,567,987,982. I am resurrecting this thread again today with another milestone. I just feel like writing I guess.

I went to her place today (what used to be our house) to get her to sign our separation letter. I've done some research and some paper legwork. This is the normal route to take in this island to file for a divorce. I thought she was going to pull some trick to delay it or something, but lo & behold, she signed it.

There were just the two of us. I remained calm but short during the meeting and I just suggested that she need to do self-introspection. I said that what she did is not normal and she had given me, the husband, and her kid a bad treatment. Then I handed her a set of printouts of her communications on FB with the OM (I have told her before that I knew she was having an afffair with the possum, but I didn't disclose my source. This set of printouts is one of the hotest edition along with nude and masturbation pictures). I know she had a major fight with OM a couple of weeks ago and they broke up. But for sure, she is still in touch with him now.

I used to guard this FB information very carefully. This was *my only medication*. This answered my never ending questions of why she was doing what she was doing. Why she turned into a monster. This information helped me move on and anchor myself. Otherwise I would have been consumed by the endless questions. At this point, I guess, I don't care anymore. She can change her password and continue talking to the OM. I am completely detached since a while ago.

Why so long to this point? Maybe I am trying to give some leeway, some time, hoping that she will come crawling back. But no, up to this point, she is friendlier I can see that, but moving out of her parents' house means she is still defiant (FYI, she was the one who asked for a divorce). Deep down maybe I hoped that the old person that I married might resurface. I have remained in the dark as much as I can. Having the kid with me doesn't allow full NC.

So, I ended the meeting by thanking her for everything and I hoped that she would find whatever happiness that she seeked. And I walked out without looking what her reaction was.

My feeling after the meeting was relief. Not sure what I was relieved from. It was just another milestone in this long journey. I just hoped that I tried my best up to this point. I did the 180, I confronted her with the affair, worked to intercept her FB, tried to improve self. At the end of all these, she was the one to decide if she wanted "in" or "out". Apparently, she was so far gone. 4 years did create a major damage, I suppose. Now I know why she was so distant all this time up to the point of ignoring the kid. She was probably consumed by her own fantasy world and right now convinced that the continuous "feeling of high" is what a marriage should be. I can't fix that.

I wish that I could get a definite answer as to why the marriage tanked. I know my faults. I probably took her for granted. I know that we didn't have enough quality time together, eventhough we did have plenty family time (vacations, etc, I guess that didn't count, huh?) I dedicated my life to the family, but perhaps in a typical NG fashion, screwed the whole thing up. We both are conflict avoidant, and she is pretty bad at communication. I thought I have voiced my problems to her but maybe not enough. I needed to up my alpha. I need to control my emotion better. I was probably dominated due to my choice of working for her father (I quit now, need a job). We rarely got into fights towards the end of the marriage so I was thinking that everything was OK. Remember my 7 points? (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/56922-suggestions-upping-alpha-2.html#post1098271), I think I pass only on #5 and #7. Pretty bad grade, maybe.

The more someone is blindsided, the more pain he/she is in. Yup, that's me. But 4 freaking years? Four years? I am in a fog but still it is pretty hard to digest that all those four years of her affair are due to my deficiencies alone.

This is why it's crap. The trashing of self-confidence. I'm working on it, maybe slowly but at least, outwardly, I am talking to people, strangers, chicks, just to bring out the old me who was confident, and maybe more.

I am moving on, full speed now, I hope. If she comes crawling back later, I'll deal with it later (somewhere deep in my heart maybe still hopes for it, but logically, now, not possible). Sometimes I hang out at TAM too much, maybe this stuff is eating me from inside out and some time off from TAM will be good. I am now in this land that I used to dread. I fear no more, because the monster already got me now.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So sad to hear, but sounding positive. I fully understand the TAM thing. I first came on here around Xmas, left for a while when I decided to accept things and move on with him, and then that stance deteriorated for me when he did one final selfish act that put a total halt to my recovery. That act was in his best interests in moving on with me, but not my best interests. So I came back. It helps. But sometimes I feel maybe I am stuck in a rut. I feel more happiness and me doing more for me will naturally bring me off here...but I need a kick up the ass to do that! I wish you well in your moving on. (I am moving on too. I feel happier now. Like you I in some way wish he would just give me what I need, but logically I feel too much has gone on now. He still wants us back together, but is not prepared to do the hard work. Oh well.)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Sorry for you man,

I can only think of that you may try to get attractive again for her. Maybe then she would try to want you back. I think in NMMNG and the 180 you find some tips&trics you could concentrate on.

I think of weight lifting as most important, and mayby an outdoor activity.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Remains said:


> So sad to hear, but sounding positive. I fully understand the TAM thing. I first came on here around Xmas, left for a while when I decided to accept things and move on with him, and then that stance deteriorated for me when he did one final selfish act that put a total halt to my recovery. That act was in his best interests in moving on with me, but not my best interests. So I came back. It helps. But sometimes I feel maybe I am stuck in a rut. I feel more happiness and me doing more for me will naturally bring me off here...but I need a kick up the ass to do that! I wish you well in your moving on. (I am moving on too. I feel happier now. Like you I in some way wish he would just give me what I need, but logically *I feel too much has gone on now*. He still wants us back together, but is not prepared to do the hard work. Oh well.)


Remains, I belive the term for it is "the sh1t meter has expired". There is just so much we can tolerate for so long, and at the end, we have to let go. However sad that is. The fact is that we didn't bring this on our own. Life brought this to us and I figured we had to respond to it with our best.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Sorry for you man,
> 
> I can only think of that you may try to get attractive again for her. Maybe then she would try to want you back. I think in NMMNG and the 180 you find some tips&trics you could concentrate on.
> 
> I think of weight lifting as most important, and mayby an outdoor activity.


SLL, maybe you could hear my wanting the old girl that I married, but the matter of fact right now is that I don't feel the desire to go back with her. I'm always the type that has a good amount of inertia and after all this time, I realize that she really is not an attractive package for me. After the A, I think she has changed into a new person. The old person has died within her. Plus a new medical specialist degree probably has boosted her ego to the level of justifying all these.

Upon getting the details of her A, I did 180. Boy, was that hard at the beginning and she has responded with her own 180. I was just tormented. I moved out and I attributed the emotional healing in my part was due to minimum contact with her after I moved out. I heard advice from a third party (lawyer) stating I should've stayed in the house. Well, a big middle finger to that advice.

I have read NMMNG and other readings from the PUA/Manosphere. I believe all of those are good just to put a perspective as to what is involved in man-woman attraction. MMSL is next.

I think time will help, and help answer my questions too. The ones bothering me the most is "what has gone wrong in my M?" That's the toughest one. But now I am contemplating that I should be thankful just to be out of the union with this terrible person. I feel the direction now is forward; doing my best to handle the ramification of this divorce. If I look back, I think I can see my acceptance of the whole thing. I am not sure if I am at the point of forgiveness. What is that anyway? Maybe I need to find out what it really is because it is one hell of a tough concept to understand right now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you checked to see if the 9 y.o. boy is yours? A paternity test?


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

aug said:


> Have you checked to see if the 9 y.o. boy is yours? A paternity test?


Hi Aug, I don't think it's needed. I'm pretty sure he is mine. We had him back in the good ol' USA and back then we were a very small and cohesive family unit (no family, she just moved there with no friends). FYI, I was in the US longer than she was. Basically I had been there for 11 years when got married and brought her there after the wedding. We waited 1 year before deciding to have a baby (ie. getting her pregnant) just to have fun and travel the USA. No drama or marriage problem when we had him. Oh, the good ol' days.

Ironically, we eloped. Basically she blew off her parents advice. Blind love, I guess, not sure if that was true love looking at the state that we are in now.


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