# sex as a weapon



## avalon22 (Oct 10, 2010)

my wife and I have been married for 16 years. We have had a great sex life. (There is a but here) I think what has happened is she is starting to use "Sex as a weapon" Meaning if I say one wrong thing or do one wrong thing she immediately will "punish" me by saying that I ruined it.- We did not even start anything but I ruined it. It is only on her terms when she is in the mood and any slight thing could make her not in the mood. 
She says her body does not work the way it used to. she has to be wooed- She just can't do it unless conditions are perfect. 
One other thing to note is that she is on lexipro which may be some cause of the problem.

Any advice here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did the problem start when she started the lexipro? Or was it starting before the lexipro?

She told you what she needs. She needs to be wooed. Yet you interpret it as she's using sex as a weapon. Why don't you believe her when she tells you what she needs?

She told you that her needs are not being met. Yours are not being met either. My suggestion is that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Work through the books with her. You both have to have your needs filled.

How many hours a week to the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

avalon22 said:


> It is only on her terms when she is in the mood and any slight thing could make her not in the mood.
> She says her body does not work the way it used to. she has to be wooed- She just can't do it unless conditions are perfect.


Ruling out Lexapro as the problem (and if this started shortly after she started Lexapro, then obviously that's the place to look), but if it's ruled out, then you go to *Phase II*: *ball in her court*.

Woo her with strategy, turn the table on her, stop pursuing sex with her. Do not reveal to her that this is what you're doing, don't be obvious or malicious or especially childish about it. Never beg for sex, never whine about not getting it, just say nothing, her lack of interest in sex turns you off, you feel more like a buddy, not a lover, so be that, her buddy.

She'll come around, trust me, if she loves you, and you appear to be losing sexual interest in her, she'll work overtime to stoke that fire in you.

"Woo her", right! Who the hell does she think she is? I'm always astounded by men who grovel for sexual attention. Wake up! It's the strong willed, confident, secure man who knows how to work the game... and it is a game, those who don't buy into that are the ones losing the game they don't believe they should be playing. Sorry, everything's a game, you're job, business, everything, is a game, some play, some whine.

Get the Lexapro thing straightened out, that's her only legitimate excuse right now (unless she's going through menopause). Then get your game on. No more asking, trying, whining, explaining, pouting, etc, etc, for sex. If she wants it, come get it, if she doesn't, then you need to decide how valuable sex is in your marriage.

In her own words, _"her body does not work the way it used to"_ and _"can't do it unless conditions are perfect"_. That translates into, "I need a challenge, I need to be turned on, I need to desire, I need to want it", and ultimately it translates into, "I need what I don't have".

*So do her the favor, give her what she needs.*

T


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Good advice Mr. Tony.

And if suddenly Mr. OP's wife has become too comfortable being a "buddy", then I advise Mr. OP to just legalize the buddy-ness and terminate your marriage by converting it into a buddy-ship


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wooing is the fun part mate

Alternatively you can find someone like my wife, who practically jumped on the bed and ordered me to do her lest she chucked a b-fit and starts sh-t. That's just no fun at all



> Then get your game on. No more asking, trying, whining, explaining, pouting, etc, etc, for sex. If she wants it, come get it, if she doesn't, then you need to decide how valuable sex is in your marriage.
> 
> In her own words, "her body does not work the way it used to" and "can't do it unless conditions are perfect". That translates into, "I need a challenge, I need to be turned on, I need to desire, I need to want it", and ultimately it translates into, "I need what I don't have".


And that's part of the wooing, the tease if you like 
Good post by Tony


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

avalon22 said:


> She just can't do it unless conditions are perfect.
> One other thing to note is that she is on lexipro which may be some cause of the problem.
> 
> Any advice here?


Lexipro is a SSRI, which can often quash one's libido. If this started around the time she went on the Lexipro, she could try to switch to Wellbutrin, which doesn't have the same effect on libido.

Aside from that, check her phone, email, and Facebook. Decreased interest in her husband is a red flag for an affair. Check to see if she's been calling, texting, or emailing another man.

Assuming she's not having an affair, and the Lexipro isn't the problem, or she's unwilling to change medications, then you just have to decide not to accept her deprioritizing your needs. Give her tit for tat.

The next time she asks you to take out the garbage, tell her that she ruined it. Tell her that you were planning on taking out the garbage until she asked you to. You can only take out the garbage when conditions are perfect, and now you just feel too much pressure to do it. You'll take out the garbage when she least expects it, and it's on your terms.

Seriously, though, just stop making her a priority. Stop catering to her. Do a light 180. Find her currency and pull back on that. When she notices, tell her you're going to match her level of effort in the marriage.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Lexipro is a SSRI, which can often quash one's libido. If this started around the time she went on the Lexipro, she could try to switch to Wellbutrin, which doesn't have the same effect on libido.


Wellbutrin was a Miracle Cure for me. I went on it prophylactically to prevent a reoccurrence of depression. THAT kick started a sex drive that I hadn't experienced in YEARS. Dont underestimate how SSRIs affect brain chemistry. 

Also, realize that if the lexipro is affecting her sex drive, this isn't something she can be fully aware of. I say this because her excuses hurt you, so it's important to approach this subject with her without that hurt. Otherwise she will sense the undercurrent of defensiveness and possibly discount your info because you're "just trying to blame her." Does that make sense to you?

The advice the other men have given you is good advice and the multi pronged approach will have a better chance of success.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

avalon22 said:


> my wife and I have been married for 16 years. We have had a great sex life. (There is a but here) I think what has happened is she is starting to use "Sex as a weapon" Meaning if I say one wrong thing or do one wrong thing she immediately will "punish" me by saying that I ruined it.- We did not even start anything but I ruined it. It is only on her terms when she is in the mood and any slight thing could make her not in the mood.
> She says her body does not work the way it used to. she has to be wooed- She just can't do it unless conditions are perfect.
> One other thing to note is that she is on lexipro which may be some cause of the problem.
> 
> Any advice here?


SOunds like something else going on.

Apart from the lexipro, my guess is that there is an undercurrent going on... she's not happy about something and when you get her to a point where sex is possible, the undercurrent is still there and can be unearthed by one little mistake.

Think of a board balanced on a pyramid. You spend a lot of effort getting it to balance just right so it doesn't fall. You've succeeded but still, the board is only perched on a very small point and one bump, misstep, misdeed will unbalance it.

Figure out what that undercurrent is so that your "board" isn't so precariously perched and will withstand these bumps.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lexapro is a total mood killer for many people and therefore she might be looking for an excuse to get out of having sex.

Are you sure she's using it to punish you?


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Read MMSL and look for signs of an affair.


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## CAN52 (Sep 8, 2012)

avalon22 said:


> she is starting to use "Sex as a weapon"
> 
> She says her body does not work the way it used to. she has to be wooed-
> 
> Any advice here?


I suggest that you talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk to her more than you talk to others. Talk about what she means by being "wooed." Seek an agreement to allow her to let you "woo" her. Talk about the things that put blocks in her way of being "wooed". Do not condemn her, judge her, but permit her to get it all out even if it takes her weeks to fully describe her need to feel the way she wants. Take it easy on describing to her your feelings of being the target of her sex weapon missiles. Do not unload on her that will only prevent you from together communicating. 

You must create a place where she can unload in the safety of your arms with her full emotion where she instinctively knows that she will not be judged, she will be accepted and loved no matte what she says. When she has that she will be drawn to you like no other and the "wooing" process will become a snap for you and the sex you need.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

avalon22 said:


> ...One other thing to note is that she is on lexipro...


oh...just that one other little thing...

Im placing all my money on that 'one other thing'. Depression and mood modification drugs are your problem I say.

Forget the 180 and the MMSL and similar suggestions - or if you insist thats is what you want - understand that you may be throwing gasoline on a fire and pay attention to what you are doing.

note what PHTLump says comes after you rule this out...
_"The next time she asks you to take out the garbage, tell her that she ruined it. Tell her that you were planning on taking out the garbage until she asked you to. You can only take out the garbage when conditions are perfect, and now you just feel too much pressure to do it. You'll take out the garbage when she least expects it, and it's on your terms.Seriously, though, just stop making her a priority. "_

yeah - horrible advice if depression is the underlying cause here.

Just my opinion. Get yourself involved with her and her doctor with respect to he illness and her meds. I suspect this isnt a freaking headgame she is playing - but that is for you to find out.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> Ruling out Lexapro as the problem...


Yes, lets do that first.


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