# What are some good questions to ask myself before "diving in?"



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Okay so, i'm 22 and in love. Been dating this girl for 9 months this year but have know her for longer...

I basically want to know what are some good questions to ask myself before asking somebody to marry you?

Thanks...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, first let me say, that you're Very young... I would wait a couple years, and then if you're still with this girl, then I'd say go for it! I know, you have probly heard that before.

But if you're ready to ask her, then you need to ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I truly see myself with this person, 25 years from now?

2. Am I really ready for that big of a committment, lifetime?

3. Who would handle the finances, or would we both?

4. Pertaining to that, are we both financially responsible, and are we financially stable? And are we independent, meaning neither of you still live at home with parents?

5. How do we mesh on the issue of raising children?

6. Do I get along with her family and vice versa?

7. Do we have similar, or at least complimenting personalities. Or are we total opposites?

8. Do we like to do the same things, and have the same moral values?

9. How do we argue? Productively, non-productively? (and if you don't know yet because you've never been in one with her, then you haven't been together long enough to get married)

10. Can I forsake all others, forever? Can I remain faithful? 

11. How will we deal with harships, whether they be financial, or death in the family etc...

granted you can't know exactly what you'd do, but if you are on the same page with all the other questions, then you should be able to work together to get through a crisis.

Also, it might be helpful, to do some "mock" situations... sit down and talk, and bring up a scenario, of what might happen in marriage, like a horrible financial crisis.. and find out how each of you would deal with it.

If you do ask her,,, then pre-marital counseling is always a great idea... many people don't even consider these types of issues, till after they are married, and then find that they can't agree on Anything, much less how to save money, etc....

Good luck! and make sure it's really romantic, if you do pop the question! hehe... ;-)


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Oh i'm the most romantic guy she's ever met. The thing is, we both do still live with our parents but for different reasons and because of the way the economy is, I couldn't move out any time soon and plus we're European and very family oriented and my parents like having me around (although if I did have money set aside I would defidently move out), and they've also said that they don't mind if I ever got married we could live with them which my parents lived with my grandparents for a year or so after the marriage maybe even longer and they've been married for 23 years now and are just in love as the day they got married... I always look up to their relationship and is what I want.

Anyway, I feel like I want to ask it but having a part-time job, living at home and may not look good but I've never felt this way before and i've actually been thinking about marriage to her for a couple months now because she has everything i've always wanted in someone.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, I think that sounds wonderful. And I do know that Europeans think a bit differently on the subject of newly married couples living with parents.. and so if you are all comfortable with that scenario, and you're certain your parents, or hers would not interfere. Then that is not a huge deal.

But, you do want to at least be able to afford your own home, should you want to move out. You need to make sure you're out of university first... and have a stable job.

I think it's great you're so in love,, but it's it is meant to be, don't you think you'll still be in love with her, 3 years from now? Don't rush it, is my advice. But, if you're ready, and you're set on this, then make sure you're both on the same page, as far what you believe a marriage should be.

Good luck! Buena Suerte!

update us...


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thank you very much for the responses. Is there anyone else on the forum who can add or ask anything else? I'd love to get some different perspectives.

Thanks.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good points by M72.

Do you feel she is the best fiend you have ever had? That kind of bond can help carry a marriage through difficult times as much as any other.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

OK, here's a different perspective (and one that will probably stir the pot alittle). You're 22, why are you even thinking about getting married?????? I'm of the mind that unless you're ready for children there is no reason to be married. Your girl will not like that because most are socialized to follow the herd but why? What does the title offer that you do not have, or can't have, already? Wait till you're 30. You both will have more life experience, will know yourselves and each other better and will have had much more time to workout all the questions above. My two cents.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Jesus,

If it feels right jump in, look guy I was 30 she was 15.

Did it feel right, damm straight it did.

Now 28 yrs later.

Time tells all.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Shoto1984 said:


> OK, here's a different perspective (and one that will probably stir the pot alittle). You're 22, why are you even thinking about getting married?????? I'm of the mind that unless you're ready for children there is no reason to be married. Your girl will not like that because most are socialized to follow the herd but why? What does the title offer that you do not have, or can't have, already? Wait till you're 30. You both will have more life experience, will know yourselves and each other better and will have had much more time to workout all the questions above. My two cents.


Well, I have always dreamed of getting married... ever since I was a kid. Being a husband, and father... A lot of small things excite me about getting married. Like, her having my last name, calling her my wife, coming home to the most beautiful woman on this planet, always having someone there to talk to and confide in, getting our first place together, dealing with life's complications with a shoulder to lean on and having someone to lighten the load of life's hardships... it just all sounds great to me.

We talked this morning about it and I know she wants to marry me (she's 25 btw and i'm 22 but I have had more relationship experience in most instances and have been told i'm wise beyond my years), but I told her that we both need to be more financially stable; since we both live with our parents right now and I have been laid off recently so i'm working part time, looking for something full time and i'm starting college in the fall. So, once I get better job and start school i'll have a better perspective on what's going on. But i'm in no way rushing it, because i'm still really enjoying just every moment I have with her (which is not nearly enough).


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

College is a huge experience that changes you. So I might not want to get married (or engaged) before experiencing some of that.

Questions to ask yourself:

Is she mentally and emotionally stable? Is she overly needy or overly distant?

Do you communicate well together, even on difficult topics?

Are you able to take turns supporting each other when one needs help ... or is one of you doing most of the supporting (emotionally, that is)?

What are her views on money and each partner's role in making it and/or spending it?

Does she have a healthy relationship with her own family?

Is the sex good and are there any issues that remain unaddressed in the sex/ intimacy department? (make sure you know whether it's good FOR HER as well ... or she'll eventually cut you off if it isn't)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> always having someone there to talk to and confide in, getting our first place together, dealing with life's complications with a shoulder to lean on and having someone to lighten the load of life's hardships... it just all sounds great to me.


Ya, that does sound great, but that is a fantasy about marriage. its also an illusion. it doesnt work that way. what will happen is one day you're going to realize that your wife has just become another problem because your views on marriage are very self centered. She will become your hardship and you will realize you still have no one to lean on.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Ya, that does sound great, but that is a fantasy about marriage. its also an illusion. it doesnt work that way. what will happen is one day you're going to realize that your wife has just become another problem because your views on marriage are very self centered. She will become your hardship and you will realize you still have no one to lean on.


Um... seriously? Then what does a marriage signify to you other than someone to have kids with? My views aren't self centered at all... I just didn't list everything here; I was just pointing out some things I have always thought about since I was a kid. 

Your post wasn't helpful at all and had nothing to do with what I asked, and judging by your other posts it seems like maybe you're upset about something you need to get over. But thanks for the advice anyway...:wtf:


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Zemardi, 

Cut and pasted this for you.

Five Stages of Marriage 

Stage 1: Passion prevails

Like people, marriages also go through different developmental stages and predictable crises.

Everyone is familiar with the infancy stage of marriage — the "honeymoon period" — but what happens after that? Because people are unfamiliar with the emotional terrain, the normal hills and valleys of marriage, predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing overreactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. That’s why I want to offer you a marriage map.

The marriage map is meant to give you a broad overview’ of the experiences most couples have when they negotiate the marital terrain. As you read through these stages and developmental passages, don’t get too hung up on the timetable. Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others, and some bypass certain stages entirely.

Head over heels in love, you can’t believe how’ lucky you are to have met your one and only star-crossed lover. Everything other than the relationship quickly fades into the background. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: You enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants, and movies. You even like each other’s friends. You can finish each other’s sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, s/he is already on the line calling you. You are completely in sync. When little, annoying things pop up, they’re dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy and positive attitudes, and heighten sexuality and sensuality. Never, never, have you felt this way before. ‘It must be love," you tell yourself. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of your lives together. "And why not," you reason, ‘we’re perfect together." And marry, you do. Unless you elope or opt for a simple, judge’s chambers-style wedding, your euphoria takes a temporary nose-dive as you plan and execute your wedding. Once you get past the superhuman challenges of dealing with family politics and hosting a modern-day wedding, your starry-eyed obsession with each other reemerges and takes you through the honeymoon period. And for a period of time, nothing could be more glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn’t at all what you expected it to be.

Stage 2: What was I thinking?

In some ways, Stage 2 Is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how’ many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. What accounts for this drastic change in perspective? For starters, reality sets in: The little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, never wraps fo9d properly before it’s put in the refrigerator, and to top things off, snores. There are big things too.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many differences between you. Although you share interests in hobbies, you disagree about how often you want to participate in them. You like the same kinds of restaurants, but you enjoy eating out often while your partner prefers staying home and saving money. Your tastes in music at-c compatible, but you prefer quiet time in the evening while your mate enjoys blasting the stereo. You have manY common friends, but you can t agree on which nights to see them. You’re confused about what’s going on. You argue. You knew life wouldn’t always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all you’d get was thorns. You feel disillusioned and you wonder if you made a mistake.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions. For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit into your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have conic in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to "win" and get their partners to change, which triggers stage 3.

Stage 3: Everything would be great ii you changed

In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way, also known as the Right Way. Even if couples begin marriage with the enlightened view’ that there are many valid perspectives on any given situation, they tend to develop severe amnesia quickly. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. Thai’s because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Do it my wag, and the marriage will work, do it yours and it won’t.

When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things. They assume it must be out of stubbornness, spitefulness or a need to control. What they don’t realize is that their spouses are thinking the same thing about them! Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper. Little or no attempt is made to see the other person’s point of view for fear of losing face or worse yet, losing a sense of self.

Now’ is the time when many people face a fork iii the marital road. They don’t want to go on this way. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they’ve tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they’ve fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce seems like the only logical solution. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after. But there are others who decide that it’s time to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take it are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

Stage 4: That’s just the way any partner is

In Stage 4. we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye to eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably We slowly’ accept that no amount of reasoning, begging, nagging, yelling, or threatening changes our partners minds. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouse for his/her hard-headedness, and recognize that we aren’t exactly easy to live with either. We dare to ask ourselves whether there’s something about our own behavior that could use shaping up. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our partners shoes and, much to our surprise, we have a bit more compassion and understanding. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they’re not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage. We know how’ to push our partner’s buttons and we consciously decide not to. When we slip, we get better at making up because we remind ourselves that life is short and very little is worth the pain of disharmony. And because were smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final, stage.

Stage 5: Together, at last

It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage 5, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more harmony. Even if you always have loved your spouse, you start to notice how much you are really liking him or her again. And then the strangest thing starts to happen. You realize that the alien who abducted your spouse in stage 2 has been kind enough to return him/her. You are pleased to discover that the qualities you saw in your partner so very long ago never really vanished. This renews your feelings of connection.

By the time you reach Stage 5, you have a shared history. And although you’d both agree that marriage hasn’t been easy, you can feel proud that you’ve weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner’s sense of commitment and dedication to making your marriage last. You also look back and feel good about your accomplishments as a couple, a family, and as individuals. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate your differences. And what you don’t appreciate, you accept. You feel closer and more connected. If you have children, they’re older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again. You have come full circle. The feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last. You’re home again.

I’m certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they’d be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. That can be a depressing thought when you’re in the midst of hard times. And in marriage, there are lots of hard times—unexpected problems with infertility,, the births of children (marital satisfaction goes down with the ‘birth of each child), the challenges of raking a family, children leaving home, infidelity, illnesses, deaths of close friends and family’ members.

Also, it’s important to remember that people generally don’t go through these stages sequentially. It’s three steps forward and two steps back. Just when you begin to feel more at peace with each other in stage 4, a crisis occurs and you find yourselves slipping back to stage 3. But if you’ve been fortunate enough to have visited stage 4, sanity sets in eventually, and you get back on track. The quality and quantity of love you feel for each other are never stagnant.

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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

really good post Martino.. My wife and I are at stage 4 already. 

Can't wait for stage 5. Been married 7 yrs. already and I'm looking forward to that pot o gold .

Mike


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> maybe you're upset about something you need to get over.


welcome to marriage kiddo


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks for the replies so far. That 5 Steps of Marriage was a interesting read, but I was curious about something. Is it possible to go few some of these stages even if you're not married? I had pretty bad if not sever OCD, and I have what I believe is known as Pure-O which basically means that I don't have much, if any compulsions. And I just feel like there are things about Step 2 that have already set in but her and I don't argue much at all. 

We did talk about marriage and we both agreed that we would at least wait until we're financially independant. I still love her very much but I just keep noticing smaller things that I shouldn't and idk why I just can't be satisfied like I used to be. I feel like if I bring up anything then she will just leave me and not want to deal with it because she's already a pretty silent person and hates confrontation and I am way better at expressing what's on my mind and my concerns than it is for her.

I keep having this stupid feeling that I keep bringing up to her that there is more going on in her head than she is telling me or letting on. I'm pretty sure it's just a ridiculous thought and my OCD just makes it 10 times worse and then I get anxious and start doubting and doubting and doubting... 

It's really hard on me, but I pray that I will make the right decision when the time comes. I just keep asking questions like...

Does she love me enough?
Would she stick by me no matter what?

And she says yes to both when I ask her, and she says," Of course, we can make it. There is no doubt in my mind that I would marry you right now..."

So idk... OCD is a ***** and making decisions like this are serious enough, but with OCD it's a lot worse and harder to make any decision.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Anyone?


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

martino said:


> Zemardi,
> 
> Cut and pasted this for you.
> 
> ...


Well, I guess nobody read or wanted to respond to my previous post, but my main question was, is it possible to go through these stages or just some of them even if you're not married?

I feel like at times small things are bothering me which never bothered me or even noticed before, but I still love her tremendously and wouldn't leave but I don't know if these small things should be brought up because they are small and also because my OCD can be so bad, I make mountains out of mole hills at times.


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Have you factored "commitment" into your uncommitted relationship thus far? Commitment changes the dynamics of the relationship with-respect-to conflict. In a "formally" uncommitted relationship, it is easier to walk away; the human exhibits a very different capacity to make a sincere effort at reconciliation when commitment is introduced. Some humans resort to fair play while others, to deception.

The fact that you seem unsatisfied about her communication style is very important. It will become a major point of contention! I guarantee you!

A few questions you and your beloved may want to consider, and these might sound out of this world:


Who/what are you ultimately accountable to when it comes to maintaining your obligations in the marriage? Remember! If it's human or can be overcome, then it is not powerful enough a deterrent to ensure that each party dutifully maintains their obligations!
Do you have a mentor? Who is it, in case we have a conflict and one of us refuses to communicate, so that this mentor can help with reconciliation.
Are you dependent, inter-dependent or independent?
Conflicts are a guarantee (which by-the-way you are currently avoiding) in a committed relationship, i.e. marriage! How do you plan to deal with it?
How do plan to raise the children with-respect-to world-view, value-system etc.?


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