# What does "heavy lifting" mean to you?



## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I see this phrase thrown around a LOT on all the infidelity sites and wondered if there is a specific source for it and what it really means, or if each couple in this journey sort of defines it on their own terms?

I know it includes 100% honesty, transparency, being supportive and giving to the BS, owning the responsibility for the affair, no blameshifting, etc. What else would you add to the list?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I try to always make sure I text Joe and let him know where I am. I also give him a time of when I will be home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

What this means to to Dr. is the most important. Read his tread and ask him. What triggers him. What makes him feel good. What has he always wanted to do for himself and never has done. Get that for him. For you BS it was flying leasons. Another got drums.

He needs to feel better about himself before he can love again.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

What I take it to mean is that the one who does the "heavy lifting" is the one who puts the most effort into supporting the relationship in all those many ways that a relationship needs to be supported in order for it to become something good for both.

Problem is of course, if one side is doing too much of the heavy lifting, the other side tends to take it for granted.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I'm glad you asked this question. For me it is total honesty,working on his own (reading articles, therapy etc) to fix what caused him to screw up in the first place. The one who cheated should be the one working the hardest at making it work, they broke the trust and everything in the marriage by cheating. I also think it is based on individuals and what they require from their spouses to trust them again. For me it's what I said earlier plus the fact he lets me know where he is every second, he isn't sitting up at night on his laptop anymore, things like that.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> I see this phrase thrown around a LOT on all the infidelity sites and wondered if there is a specific source for it and what it really means, or if each couple in this journey sort of defines it on their own terms?
> 
> I know it includes 100% honesty, transparency, being supportive and giving to the BS, owning the responsibility for the affair, no blameshifting, etc. What else would you add to the list?


In a general sense, it means taking the initiative rather than waiting to be asked, or at least asking the betrayed what is needed and then doing it.

For example, if you carried out your affair via Facebook, you delete the account without being asked to. There is a difference between that and asking, "what would you like me to do?" and when he answers, "delete Facebook," and then you do it; which in turn is different than if you don't ask what he needs or wants and he has to ask you to do it; which is different than if he asks you to do it, and you argue about it and/or refuse. The ultimate action, deleting Facebook, may be the same in each case, but how you got there does make a big difference in how the betrayed perceives you.

As posted above about letting him know where you are without him having to ask you to do so is another good example. If he has to ask, he likely feels that he is having to beg you for it, and he is doing the work, not you. Then, you go out and forget to let him know where you are, and he feels like he would like to know, but it doesn't make him feel good that he has to call you and ask. That type of thing makes him feel like you've cheated, and he's doing the work to fix it.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

If I were to use the term "heavy lifting" (and I don't, because it just doesn't ring right with me), it would mean that my spouse becomes *completely empathetic* to my newly acquired emotional needs resulting from the affair.

T


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> If I were to use the term "heavy lifting" (and I don't, because it just doesn't ring right with me), it would mean that my spouse becomes *completely empathetic* to my newly acquired emotional needs resulting from the affair.
> 
> T


I will second that definition and add to it that I also think heavy lifting is putting the BS first in everything. The BS should be #1 on the WS mind at all times.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If the BS says they don't believe you, YOU schedule the polygraph test and take it.

If the BS is having a hard time (and who doesn't) dealing with it, YOU schedule the counseling sessions.

If the BS triggers from something specific, YOU remove the source of the trigger and make sure to minimize any further pain.

If the BS knows that you wore a specific article of clothing, jewelry, etc, YOU throw it away so they never have to see you in it again.

Basically the WS needs to feel empathy and really understand the damage they did and the pain they caused. And then react appropriately to minimize any further pain and to repair the damage they have done. And they need to do it without prompting and all on their own.

BTW, the fact that you are looking for information on how to do the heavy lifting to me means you are starting to "get it." Keep it up.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> I see this phrase thrown around a LOT on all the infidelity sites and wondered if there is a specific source for it and what it really means, or if each couple in this journey sort of defines it on their own terms?
> 
> I know it includes 100% honesty, transparency, being supportive and giving to the BS, owning the responsibility for the affair, no blameshifting, etc. What else would you add to the list?


In addition to all the other comments, it implies putting up with a lot of things one wouldn't put up with in a healthy marriage (e.g., the BS's snide comments, argumentativeness, bad moods, etc.).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Doing the heavy lifting means addressing the issue that one has in betraying some one they love and also learning the tools to affair proof ones marriage so the my kids father never has to go thru this again.

You made this kid and their father doesn't diserve this to happen again and one owes it to the one person they love above all else to make sure their father is part of the family unit.

You betrayed this kid who didn't ask to be here but you and your old man brought him in to this mess of a world.

Sorry girl this sh1t ain't about you anymore, the heavy lifting you do from now on means a hell of alot more.


That phucker that shot up all thise kids yesterday came from a broken home.... sorry I threw that in there but its true and you and the Mat need to figure this **** out!!!!!!!!!

Its been a tough day for all of us that have kids.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> Its been a tough day for all of us that have kids.


It's not just tough for those of you that are fortunate enough to have children. I'm pushing 50, and I can't remember shedding tears like this in regard to anything remotely close to something as barbaric as this.

Not even 9/11.

Killing kids?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

My XW did a lot of things. 
When she left for someplace, she told me, either by phone or text, where she was going, when she got there, when she left, and when she got back. 
She would recognize and memorize what triggered me, then take steps to avoid it. Songs, places, stupid little things, she would just make sure I was never exposed to them. Of course I still triggered, but she did the best she could. 
She understood I would be putting in very little effort into rebuilding the marriage. She would be the one to have to do it. 
She knew I didn't like counselors. So she tried to find one that I would: quasi-like, and talk to. Which...she kinda did. 
When I was upset and started yelling, she didn't fight me. She just took it. 
She knew when I was hurt. She knew when to try and comfort me, and when to leave me alone. 
She knew that the love had to be rekindled. She figured out my love language, then spoke it fluently. (which tended to consist of fresh home cooked meals, and lots of affection/sex) 
She would have to rebuild the emotional intimacy. So she was the one who tried to do it. She was the one who inititated conversations. She was the one who tried talking about anything and everything. Showing concern, trying to get me to open up. 
My health was in the crapper. And at the time, I didn't care if it killed me. She did. And she made it clear. She nursed and force fed me back to health. 
She knew certain things would not be allowed. Like, staying at her work. Like, girls nights out. Like, going out without me. And she knew if she didn't like any of these, that she would find her key to the front door no longer works. 
She knew she had to be transparent. She didn't make me have to work to get her email, phone, anything. She left her email open, her phone on, and wanted me to check it. 
She knew that even though I am raging, angry, upset, and as cuddly as a cactus, that hugging and affection when I triggered helped calm me down. Usually. 
She knew there wasn't a second chance. She was already on her second chance.
My ego was shattered. She tried to rebuild it to the best of her ability. 
She knew she had to cut out some friends of her life. Several of them because they encouraged the affair. Interestingly, several of those same friends called me after I made a facebook update after finding out about her infidelity. All wanting to hook up and 'talk'...
And most importantly, she knew: I was all over the place. But until I signed the divorce papers, she planned on fighting tooth and nail to show me, she wasn't going to let me go easily.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> In addition to all the other comments, it implies putting up with a lot of things one wouldn't put up with in a healthy marriage (e.g., the BS's snide comments, argumentativeness, bad moods, etc.).


For a while, that works. But it can too easily segue into an emotionally abusive relationship.

I don't have an answer at how much nonsense such as this you need to put up with, but at a certain point, you don't anymore (hint, you probably aren't anywhere near that point yet. Give it a year)

It is perfectly valid for him to be angry. It is even valid for him to be angry AT YOU. It is not so good to go out of his way to HURT you deliberately. By instinct, yes. People say stupid things in the throes of passion (you know this first hand). But you will know the difference between a painful response and the deliberate statement/action where he is tearing the wings off a fly.

THAT doesn't work and needs to be called on.


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