# Wife had an affair, now says she wants a divorce. Need advice!



## BEEGONE1

Hello, I am new here. Wish I wasnt posting this but here it goes.

Wife and I have been married 2.5 years. We have been together for 10. We have had an amazing relationship over the years. 

Problems started when we moved to a new town for her new job, and I kept my work and businesses in a town about 1.5 hrs away. This was back in January 2011. This kept me on the road alot and home not as much as I wanted to be or should have been. I was doing everything for us, so we could have a good financially sound life, which we have.

I found out last month that she was having an affair with another man. I recieved a call at work from this man's wife explaining to me what was going on. As soon as I confronted my wife, the lies started comming. I know my wife, and I knew when she had been lieing. She said that they were just friends and that nothing was going on. The phone records and facebook messages told of a different story. Our relationship got worse and worse. She didnt want to even work on it. She didnt want to see counselor. She just wanted her time and space. I tried really hard to give her time, but the pain of knowing she was still having a relationship with this other married man didnt work so well with me. I was a complete wrech. Eventually she said that she wanted a divorce, which her decision had not been influenced by anyone else. I had mostly moved out of our house as to give her the space she wanted. The night she told me she wanted a divorce, I found out that her boyfriend spent the night, and the next following night. On the third night, I was able to confront them with a camera in our bedroom (not having sex or anything, but never the less in my bed!!!). So much for her divorce decision to be influenced by anyone!!!!! The guy is getting a divorce now too so I hear.....ANYWAY. The next day we split up our assets and got the divorce paperwork. I am 95% moved out of the house, and she is probably having her boyfriend over all the time. She did admit to having sex with him. 

I love her. That is the bottom line. She is not being herself. 

Now, time to throw a wrench into the puzzle. She had started taking anti depressant last fall(zoloft), and the dr put her on a second one (wellbutrin) this spring. Ive done research on these SSRI's, and wow, how terrible of drugs. They actually have the ability to make people fall out of love. Which is exactly what happend to me. She said she doesnt feel any love for me at all. WOW. After ten years of total commitment!!!!!!!! We were the best of friends too!

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to keep trying, but the other part of me is thinking that its over. She made up her mind and wants nothing more to do with me. I can't help but wonder if she gets off the antidepressants that things will turn around for us??? What makes me most mad is that her DR. (who is not a phsyciatrist), just wrote her a prescription cause she was feeling depressed (she has a stressfull job and me not being there every single night most likely did help).

Should I move back into the house and be there morning and night? She wont want me there, but maybe I can convince her that I AM HERE, and I want to fix this (i have told her since this started that I want to work this out)??? That way if she is still having a relationship with this other man, it will be harder on them to have it in our home? Or should I just file? She needs to get off the pills. I just dont know what to do.

I guess the other issue is that since this affair started, she has not once mentioned wanting to work it out.......Any input would be greatly appriciated.


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## sharkeey

You moved out of the house, and the boyfriend moved in. 

I'd say the barn door was left open too long and the cows are out in the field.

All that's left is to make sure you get your fair shake in the divorce. 

If you split up all your assets and she's got the house, what's left to fight for?


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## BEEGONE1

Tell me about it...I'd hopped that by moving out and giving her the space she asked for it may help...you know - respecting her wishes.


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## spudster

You should have never moved out. The damage has been done. You basically rolled over and let this guy replace you. 

Get the divorce and move on. Her relationship with this guy will not last more than a year. Guarantee she'll come looking for you a year from now begging you to date her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BEEGONE1

The guy didnt move in, but my guess is hes having sleep overs. Maybe, maybe not. Nothing is really stopping me from moving back in, besides pissing my wife off, and the fact that it could make a divorce go that much worse. She has not filed yet, nor have I. If I move back in, it will either cause her to A. File. B. Work out our problems. Right?


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## 2much2soon

BEEGONE1 said:


> Hello, I am new here. Wish I wasnt posting this but here it goes.
> 
> Wife and I have been married 2.5 years. We have been together for 10. We have had an amazing relationship over the years.
> 
> Problems started when we moved to a new town for her new job, and I kept my work and businesses in a town about 1.5 hrs away. This was back in January 2011. This kept me on the road alot and home not as much as I wanted to be or should have been. I was doing everything for us, so we could have a good financially sound life, which we have.
> 
> I found out last month that she was having an affair with another man. I recieved a call at work from this man's wife explaining to me what was going on. As soon as I confronted my wife, the lies started comming. I know my wife, and I knew when she had been lieing. She said that they were just friends and that nothing was going on. The phone records and facebook messages told of a different story. Our relationship got worse and worse. She didnt want to even work on it. She didnt want to see counselor. She just wanted her time and space. I tried really hard to give her time, but the pain of knowing she was still having a relationship with this other married man didnt work so well with me. I was a complete wrech. Eventually she said that she wanted a divorce, which her decision had not been influenced by anyone else. I had mostly moved out of our house as to give her the space she wanted. The night she told me she wanted a divorce, I found out that her boyfriend spent the night, and the next following night. On the third night, I was able to confront them with a camera in our bedroom (not having sex or anything, but never the less in my bed!!!). So much for her divorce decision to be influenced by anyone!!!!! The guy is getting a divorce now too so I hear.....ANYWAY. The next day we split up our assets and got the divorce paperwork. I am 95% moved out of the house, and she is probably having her boyfriend over all the time. She did admit to having sex with him.
> 
> I love her. That is the bottom line. She is not being herself.
> 
> Now, time to throw a wrench into the puzzle. She had started taking anti depressant last fall(zoloft), and the dr put her on a second one (wellbutrin) this spring. Ive done research on these SSRI's, and wow, how terrible of drugs. They actually have the ability to make people fall out of love. Which is exactly what happend to me. She said she doesnt feel any love for me at all. WOW. After ten years of total commitment!!!!!!!! We were the best of friends too!
> 
> I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to keep trying, but the other part of me is thinking that its over. She made up her mind and wants nothing more to do with me. I can't help but wonder if she gets off the antidepressants that things will turn around for us??? What makes me most mad is that her DR. (who is not a phsyciatrist), just wrote her a prescription cause she was feeling depressed (she has a stressfull job and me not being there every single night most likely did help).
> 
> Should I move back into the house and be there morning and night? She wont want me there, but maybe I can convince her that I AM HERE, and I want to fix this (i have told her since this started that I want to work this out)??? That way if she is still having a relationship with this other man, it will be harder on them to have it in our home? Or should I just file? She needs to get off the pills. I just dont know what to do.
> 
> I guess the other issue is that since this affair started, she has not once mentioned wanting to work it out.......Any input would be greatly appriciated.



Sorry you are going through this. I do not think you could have changed her mind at all. Once a person is in a lustful relationship and they have decided that's what they want, there is nothing you can do about it. It's not your fault. Moving out saved your sanity. You can love her from a far. Don't be disrespected anymore. Do the 180 and move on. You will find a wonderful woman once you are healed. Best wishes with everything.


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## Shaggy

Yes move back into your house, but tell her to get out. Why should she have the house when she is one that is cheatng.

Have you exposed the cheating to friends and family?


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## BEEGONE1

Her mother and father know, thats it. My family knows.....one of the reasons I moved out was that as part of dividing assets she would get the house....but no one has filed the papers yet...so i'm entitled to live in my house...till we both sign the bottom line. Which im not ready to sign yet.. LOVE SUCKS!


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## Mr Blunt

You re compromising when compromising is not the right thing to do in this situation. You are trying to force your wife to love you and take you back. The doctor that prescriber her medication is not at fault, the pills are not at fault, and from what you have posted you are not at fault. Your wife cares more about her desires that she does your or God.

Your wife has made a free will choice to violate trust and her marriage vows. She is not being forced by anything but instead has choosen her selfishness. I know that is hard for you to accept but it is the truth. Your wife has committed one of the most severe marriage killers of all time in order to please her selfishness and she does not care much that she has stepped on you and thrown you into the sewer.

You have suffered a very bad blow but you can recover and improve. If you hang on and try to force your wife back you will drive her further away. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DISRESPECTED; keep your dignity even if you are hurting. If you choose to try and force her then you will drive her further away and you will make it so hard to recover because you will wind up groveling in the dirt.

*It is time for you to build yourself up body, mind and spirit and realize that that you should not wrap up your whole life in your wife or anyone else. Life is cruel but that is the way it is.*

In the end all you have is you and God. That is enough but sometimes we get ourselves into other people and depend on them too much.

Make your decision to not stay in the dark side and look at how to improve yourself body, mind, and spirit. Get your self in better shape so that you can improve yourself and if your wife ever wants to come back you will be in better shape to make the right decisions. Right now you are desperate and are susceptible to compromise too much. 

*You can improve yourself with or without your wife. Millions have done it and so can you*.


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## survivorwife

BEEGONE1 said:


> The guy didnt move in, but my guess is hes having sleep overs. Maybe, maybe not. Nothing is really stopping me from moving back in, besides pissing my wife off, and the fact that it could make a divorce go that much worse. She has not filed yet, nor have I. If I move back in, it will either cause her to A. File. B. Work out our problems. Right?


Yes. Move back in immediately. If she wants to file, let it be on her to do so. If she gets angry, too bad. Why should you be displaced because she was unfaithful.


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## BeachGuy

spudster said:


> You should have never moved out. The damage has been done. You basically rolled over and let this guy replace you.
> 
> Get the divorce and move on. Her relationship with this guy will not last more than a year. Guarantee she'll come looking for you a year from now begging you to date her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Shaggy

You wife has decided to divorce you and the cheating was an exit affair.

Move back into your house. Laydown the law that no other man is allowed into your house. If she has to cheat then she can pack and leave.

Meanwhile you should file this week, and don't be nice in the divorce.


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## Emerald

Anti-d's do NOT make people have affairs so cross that off your "why" checklist.

I am very sorry about all of this mess. 

She may come back to you if the affair ends. I think that is what you are hoping for & people do reconcile after affairs. If so, you will both need intense counseling.


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## BEEGONE1

Can SSRIs Make You Fall Out of Love?


Check out that link regarding anti-depression pills.


I'm leaning towards moving back in.


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## Wazza

BEEGONE1 said:


> Can SSRIs Make You Fall Out of Love?
> 
> 
> Check out that link regarding anti-depression pills.
> 
> 
> I'm leaning towards moving back in.


Not a doctor but my understanding is that Dopamine drops off over time anyway. The relationship has to survive that. The trouble is she is getting a dopamine fix from the boyfriend. If she chases dopamine she's in for regular changes of partner.

On your original question...I don't believe you can solve the problems unless both are committed to try. Even then it's tough. Can be done, but hard. The best you can do right now is look after yourself sadly. If she approaches you, maybe then consider working on things.

I think I would (a) move back into the house, not roll over and (b) sign the divorce papers. At least that shocks her into reality

Read about stage 3 in this link. Might give you an understanding of where your wife is right now.

http://womensinfidelity.com/


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## BEEGONE1

Good stuff. Good insight. I'll have to check out that book. Looks like it is full of good info. Thanks for posting.


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## Wazza

BEEGONE1 said:


> Good stuff. Good insight. I'll have to check out that book. Looks like it is full of good info. Thanks for posting.


Just be aware that the book explains how women's infidelity works but gives no solutions. There is a second book that is a bit more solution oriented.

When I first read it, I assumed the author must have been watching my wife. It was uncanny. And for what it's worth, we are still together, though it was a close thing and we didn't get as far as you guys have. No guarantees, sadly.


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## alphaomega

I'm assuming you are giving her the house so you can keep the business?


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## BEEGONE1

Yes. (2 businesses). But the IDGAF approach may work well if I dont care what she gets.


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## SadDays

I feel your frustration in the pit of my stomach, I really do. I think from your post that this is a losing battle... I don't think there really is a battle, it sounds over. 
I think that you did the right thing by leaving. If she left she'd be with him anyway, they'd figure it out. I know it kills and I know that I understand your feelings because I am going through something right now that I know I should leave. Love makes you so blind. 
I worry you'd be wasting your time trying to figure her out. I find myself in the same position, trying to figure my husband out- like it even matters. Look up "co-dependency," we are trying to make people into what we want them to be, in a sense- you want your wife to come back around, I want my husband to stop being a mummy's boy...
Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
You may find some does not sound like you- I felt this also but it is a bit insightful, that's all.


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## BEEGONE1

Thanks for the advice. I think you are right about it being over. Funny thing is that she didnt even want to try to work it out. I think her mind was made up when she decided to cross that line.


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## sharkeey

BEEGONE1 said:


> Yes. (2 businesses). But the IDGAF approach may work well if I dont care what she gets.


Long after she's gone, whatever you take with you from this marriage in terms of your business(es), home, money, personal belongs.. it's going to matter.

Even though right now you're so distraught you don't care if she takes everything.

Don't roll over and give it all away just because it's the easiest thing to do right now. Deal with it head on, work your way through the pain and fight for what is rightfully yours. 

You deserve at least that much.


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## anonZ

I'm not going to be quite so harsh on your wife even though she messed up your marriage and you have a right to be angry and upset. You mentioned she was depressed and that you were away a lot-I'm guessing that she was lonely too. Now the trust is broken between both of you. She has to be willing to at least go to a few counseling sessions with you and stop seeing the other guy for an amount of time if there is any chance for both of you to rebuild the marriage. Otherwise, by all means file for divorce.


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## BEEGONE1

had a big long update. but it was lost in cyberspace. here is the short version.

I hadnt talked to her for well over a week (doin the 180), when she called balling her eyes out asking to see our dog (which i had with me).

I brought her the dog with the intention of putting my foot down and moving back in/filing for divorce.

When I got there, she was different. Good different. She told me that she has been going thru withdrawls of getting off the meds, which has been going on for many days. I was happy to hear this, as the last time I had spoken with her she did not have any desire to get off the meds. She is making an attempt to straighten things out by clearing her head and mind of those things.

She said she still thinks divorce is the best for us, as she wants me to be happy. She doesnt see whats in her future. She said she cant (withdrawls). She said she feels so broken right now, and cant feel anything. We agreed to let things ride a bit while she cleanses herself from the antidepressants. I tell you what, she has already changed big time. She is emotional, she is talkative. She laughs. She said she was terribly sorry.

I said I want to move back in, which she didnt want. She said no, and said that If I did she would move in with her female co worker/friend. She claimed that its so hard getting off the pills and she wants to take one thing at a time. I said thats fine, and I understand and I respect the steps she was taking.

I walked thru the whole house, and no sign of anyone else living there. So that helped me make the decision to give her more time. She even said that she sleeps on the couch, not in our bed.

And, she offered to give me a hug, I said no thanks (180). I asked if she wanted a hug, she half ass chuckled and said no. Then a few minutes and coversations had passed and I said bye to our dog. She then comes over and gives me a hug out of the blue, after I had said I don't want one, and she saying she didnt want one either......progress? - we will only see.

I'm still doing the 180. I love that thing. Women are F*in nuts, or at least this one is!!!!


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## warlock07

No kids. better get out now. looks like she has mental issues.



> I tell you what, she has already changed big time. She is emotional, she is talkative. She laughs. She said she was terribly sorry.



You are in your own fog. She keeps yours house, f*cks the other guy in your bed and you think she changed? God help you. She is doing it so that you keep paying the bills and will dump you at a convenient time.


Did you read the book "No more Mr.Nice guy" ? You are going to walked all over again. The change that comes in 3 days can go away as quickly. You are in denial and this woman is not in love with you.


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## BEEGONE1

Thanks for your thoughts, they are noted. Have you read the link I posted about anti depressants and falling in/out of love?

Also, she pays the mortgage on the house now as well as taxes and insurance, and all her own bills. I pay all my own bills too. Like I stated, everything is split up.

Maybe I am in a fog still, but at minimum she has made a step forward to rid of self of the chemical altering drugs. Doesn't change what she did and how I feel about her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

You haven't mentioned if OM is still in the picture.

Until there is NC with OM she will be influenced to stay statas quo.

We can only hope that he is working it out with his wife!


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## jh52

the guy said:


> You haven't mentioned if OM is still in the picture.
> 
> Until there is NC with OM she will be influenced to stay statas quo.
> 
> We can only hope that he is working it out with his wife!


:iagree::iagree:

This is a real BIG FACTOR !!


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## BEEGONE1

That is the one thing I am unaware of, as I have not been involving myself with the details of her life. I do know that no one is living in our house besides her (or no one has moved their **** in anyway).

I'll try to find out. I agree that is the pivoting factor. If she is still seeing him, then its D time.


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## forumman83

Any updates here?

It sounds like you NEED TO CUT THIS WOMAN OFF ASAP.

It is the only chance you have at saving Yourself...and strangely enough, your relationship


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## BEEGONE1

Well I read Women and Infidelity series, and that was a real eye opener. Why don't more people know about this stuff! I swear those books were written for my marriage!

Anyway, I'm gathering initial divorce paperwork. I told her today that I was done, and suggested she read the books after I laid down 2 copies in front of her on the table. She is pulling the crap that women in affairs pull. I'm tired of that.


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## happyman64

Begone

Sorry to see you filing but I understand how you feel.

Let us know. How you make out.

Your wife is really messed up drugs or no drugs.

And by the way you are 100% right about the drugs killing love and making the patients do crazy stuff.

HM64


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