# hurt and confused!!!!



## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife left me 4 months ago. Said she doesn't feel the same and does't know if it can be fixed. She left the day after I confronted her about a number I found on our cell bill that she was talking to and texting. She said it was a friend that cares. Well I googled the number and found out it was an x from highschool that lives out of town but they talk for upto 2000 minutes a month plus 1000 texts. She left and thought the kids would want to go with her but they are staying with me at the house. 
They are 14 and 11 and very much as confused as I am. They still think our family is going to be ok. I try and keep them as normal as possible. It's hard to see their hopes get up when my wife act like everything is fine. It kills me as well. I get mixed feelings. 
She made me give her her own phone saying it isnt right that I can see who and when she texts people and she can whoever she wants. She says there is nothing going on and with him being out of town I don't know what to think. He is supposably happily married with kids as well. At first she talked about divorce but hasn't lately. I asked for counseling with her and she wouldn't go. Saying noone is going to change her mind. 

My mother called her to ask what was going on cause she never really acted unhappy we even had the whole family over for christmas were planning our up coming summer. She even called my mom for a recipe 2 days before she left because she wanted to make it for me cause it was my favorite. She started crying and told my mom we should try counseling but she wasn't ready yet. 
My daughter asked her why aren't you trying mom? She told my daughter she would try counseling when she was ready. She tells my son when he asks when she is coming back home and she tells him she's taking ii day by day. Then about a month and a half ago we finally had a heart to heart talk so I thought. She told me she wanted counseling she just wasn't ready. I said I understand just let me know I'll be waiting. Two days later she text me for his number because I have been going to my Psychologist from the begining she devastated my world and needed help.
I gave her his name and number she went a few days later by herself. She told the counselor she really wasn't interested in trying and she has moved on. WTF?!!! The next day she calls me mad as hell cause I went and filed for support. She isn't helping with the kids and not giving me anything. I can't do it alone. 
I sold my truck I'm trying to keep things together for my kids and our family is it does work out. She told me the counselor said she was fine and didn't need to come back. Well when I went a few days later he said that isn't what he said. He told her if she wasn't interested in trying then there is no sense of coming back and she denied all the symptoms of depression he asked her. We text a few times about the kids afew days later I asked her all I want to know is if we had a chance or not. She said she can't answer that right now. All she knows is that she doesn't feel the same anymore. and if it's meant to be it will be. In the mean time I'm dying inside my kids are suffering I can tell they are starting to resent her. They don't wanna go with her when they are supposed to and get really short tempered with her. She blames that on me as well. Says it's all the bull crap in their heads. I haven't said anything to them. I constantly reassure them their mother loves them and it isn't their fault. 

My counselor told me too keep everything positive and I have.I'm trying to give her space It's been over amonth since she last told me she didn't know what she wanted. I don't text or call unless it's about the kids. I didn't even send anything for our 15 year aniversary. It killed me. It's the first one that I didn't get her anything or take her to dinner. I just felt she didn't deserve it. Now she acts like nothing is wrong. 

She walks in the house like she still lives there and sat down on my couch talking to me about stuff like we are best buds. She helps herself to food. Takes sips of my pop and coffee that I am drinking. REALLY!!!! I try not to be rude or nasty because I get the feeling like she is trying to reach out alittle. testing the waters to see if I get mad or start getting all lovey dovey. As much as I want to! I just act like I'm good. She texts me about sporting events back and forth and stuff like there is nothing wrong between us. I don't get it. She moves out doesn't think she should have to pay support buys herself a new car I have to sell mine to keep the house and the kids happy and Im still struggling. 
She lives with mom is now acting like nothing is wrong and I don't know what to do. She hasn't brought up us or divorce in a few months. My Psychologist says it could be Permenopause, midlife crisis, plus her father just passed away that she was very close to almost a year ago. She is 45 I am 39. I'm trying my damndest. I don't know what else to do. Luckily my kids are very active and keep me busy everyday with sports dance and their friends. Mind you my wife doesn't help with all the running around they do either. Please can someone give me some advice. I'm leaning towards letting her go but she keeps pulling me back with the mixed signs.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You need to put your foot down and tell her that she cannot come to your home uninvited - try going to her home uninvited and see how she will treat you.

For your emotional well-being, read and implement *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules* for they will give you the emotional strength to move on with your life, with or without her.

Contact a divorce attorney ASAP. This woman is a WINO (wife in name only) and is no longer interested in being YOUR wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your getting mind f.cked b/c OM (other man) is married and if she continues to manage you she will have you as a back up plan.

You must not get pulled back by doing a 180 (look it up) these 180 degree steps will protect your emotion and help you from getting mind f*cked by her.

She is doing this so she can have her cake and eat it too.

You are her fall back guy.

You must find OM wife (OMW) and expose this affair.


As soon as she see how confident you are in letting her go and she is served divorce paper the closer you will be to getting her out of the fog.

Remember, filing for divorce and finalizing a divorce are two different things. filling ASAP is a tactic to getting her to face the reality of her dicision. Withdrawing the filing can happen once you can confirm NC (no contact) with OM. There is always a waiting period between the two.

1)expose A (affair) to OMW
2)file divorce

Again these tactics are to make the affair as inconvienent and as unconfortable to continue, there by getting rid of OM.

Once OM is gone then you may have a chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do what you can to get OM out of the picture, and the proven way to to this is expose the affair to OMW.

Do your research and find OMW.

Do this quitely, or OMW will be warned about a crazy man telling lies about an affair.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mark,

Mori and the guy have given you great advice.

You are being used as a doormat.

Your wife has left you, the marriage and your children.

You are being used by a very selfish woman. And yes she has cheated on you. Her actions are very typical of a cheater.

You cannot afford to let her sit on the fence keeping you in limbo.

You deserve better. It is time to make the decision for her.

The decision needs to be made for you and your family. She is no longer part of the marriage and has not been for awhile.

Time to move forward for you.....

HM64


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

glad to see you made it over here mark, many of us have gone thru similar situations that you are going thru


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

File for divorce, like yesterday.

Document all of her actions, how much you're taking care of the kids and push for a full custody/child support.

She is not only using you but also humiliating you. Good luck and act FAST!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*She left the day after I confronted her about a number I found on our cell bill that she was talking to and texting. She said it was a friend that cares. Well I googled the number and found out it was an x from highschool that lives out of town but they talk for upto 2000 minutes a month plus 1000 texts.*

Your wife is having at least an emotional affair, possibly a physical affair with this man. If you want to save your marriage, you have to get her to end the affair.

2000 minutes per month = 65-70 minutes per day.
1000 texts per month = 30-35 texts per day.

*She says there is nothing going on and with him being out of town I don't know what to think. He is supposably happily married with kids as well.*

No one who is happily married talks/texts their ex from high school this much.

Cheaters follow a script. It really is remarkable how they all act the same way. Your wife is following the script to a T.

Your wife would like to be with the other man. She wants to keep you as an option in case the other man does not want to leave his wife. That's why she's nice to you sometimes, she's trying to make sure you'll still be there for her just in case. 

In the meantime, she moved out to make her affair easier to conduct without being found out. She got a new phone for the same reason.

Your first step is to find out more information. Find out if the other man is married and find out how to contact his wife.

Does your wife work?

Did she ever tell you she was unhappy with the marriage before the other man came into the picture?

What does her mother think about the situation? What does her mother know? Does her mother know how much she talks/texts with the other man?

Your wife sounds pretty lousy. She doesn't seem like she cares about the kids too much. *Are you sure you want her back?* If you divorce, you probably will be better off financially than you are now just being informally separated from your wife.

*She made me give her her own phone *

Do you pay for the phone?

Do you pay for anything else of hers?

Does she give you any money for household expenses?


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

What kind of MC says, "stay positive" when a spouse moves out and is having the signs of cheating?? Incredible. What do you mean she "made you" get her her own phone? Why did you do that? Afraid of losing her? Did it work?

Sorry, but this is awful, just awful of your wife to do.

On the plus side, her acting like everything is fine is better for the kids than a bunch of blowouts, i guess. At least they are busy and you can be strong for them right now, that is the hardest thing.

Except that your heart is probably falling out. Amazing. She's got some nerve, thats for sure. Acting like nothings up! I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Listen to these guys and take their advice. Read morituri's links, for your own sanity.


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## HerHusband (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here, please listen to the advice here, you are/will get great and real advice, follow it and implement it, this board has saved my sanity, keep posting and let people help you.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Wife reconnects with an ex boyfriend from high school and starts an affair. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that story lately...

First, mentally prepare yourself that your marriage is most likely over. That way you can be in a better state to deal with this effectively. She's stringing you along. Listen to the advice you've been given so far. Again, your chances aren't great, but it's all you have, and many of these folks have been there. I've been there myself. Like Will_Kane said, these cheaters all seem to follow the same script.

Don't worry about why, there's a good chance your wife doesn't know why either.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here. I can relate to your story as many here can. My H and your wife are very much alike. As for staying positive, that is really hard to do. For me, my kids are 18, 21 & 26. They had their own suspicions without me offering mine, which I did during emotional destress and when my kids asked questions. I'm now the bad person, the person that turned his sons against him. That bothered me for a while, but it doesn't anymore. I told my sons what I thought was going on and their father made my thoughts a reality. 
Hang in there, don't accept her stupid blame. She made her choice, that choice have been forced on her husband and her children.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. My MC meant to stay positive for the kids sake and yes my heart is all about torn out of my chest. I know I wasn't the best husband and nobody's perfect but I know I don't deserve this. 

I've done alot of reading on what I think could be going on in her head. Depression is one I know is bothering her. It runs in her family she has been on zoloft for 6 or 7 years now. Her father just passed away who she was very close to almost a year ago. We went through a bankrupcy that we are almost done with. She is 45 thimking it could be a mid life crisis. Within a month of leaving she bought a new car and like I said acts like nothing is wrong. Permenopause. I know she is having female problems and has a sist on her ovaries and she might have to have a hysterectomy. 

Her x contacted her at a vulnerable time and is making her feel good. I hate to give up on 18 years together (15 married) but it looks like I'm heading that way.

I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I'm trying to go out more. I quit drinking going on 5 months now. I don't want or need it. It would only make things worse. 

I have my support hearing in a few weeks. I think after that I'm gonna give her a choice put up or shut up! I need to get back to the happy go lucky guy I used to be! One good thing is I dropped 45 pounds! I have noticed women checking me out and flirting. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. 

I don't want my kids hating me for giving up. My daughter already asked me not to when she over heard me talking to my mom on the phone about feeling like giving up hope. I know my wife will try and turn it around that i'm the bad guy for that.

I talk to my lawyer this week as we get everything ready for the hearing. I'm gonna ask him his opinion also and maybe have him write up the divorce papers.

She was always such a loving wife would fight tooth and nail for her family especially her kids. Now she can go for days without seeing them. I don't get it. It kills me when she takes them for one night! 

Her mom believes everything she says cause it's her daughter. I tried talking to her and it didn't do any good. Her family says to give her space and let her figure it out. 

She even had the nerve to invite me to her moms for easter. How could she expect me to go there for easter dinner and act like everything is fine? I just don't get it?!!!!!!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Classic case of a cake eater. Get with your lawyer and get a temporary custody order now! Stop being so afraid that your children will hate you. Stop using them as an excuse. They did not want to go with their cheating mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You must emotionally detach from her in order to start making the tough choices that must be made for your sake as well as your children's. You can do that by implementing *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.

She has no incentive to return because she has lost nothing thanks to your enabling. Stop enabling her and let her face the consequences of her actions. Only harsh reality has been proven to kill fantasy. Tough love.

Lastly. Women are not attracted to men they don't respect and they only respect men who respect themselves by not putting up with their sh!t.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

morituri is correct. 

You must think that there is more to this than she is telling you because her actions show that there is a lot more to this. I suspect that she has hooked up with the OM.

i would first expose it to the OMW and the OM's family.

I would go dark on your WS. Don't respond to text's, calls, etc.

Get your finances in order. If the car is in her name don't pay the bill. Cut her off as much as you can. First, talk to your attorney about this.

Change the locks.

Do more with the kids. I mean a lot more. Don't be available with the kids at home so "mommy" can come in when ever, because you won't be there.

Things can change and your marriage could work out but it is all up to her. In the meantime look at it as she is gone. And live your life with your kids as if she is gone.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Do all that has been advised. File for divorce. do not tell her. Let her be served. Do not contact her. Pack her sh!t up and put it in storage. The first month will cost you one dollar. Then tell her she pays it. If she doesn't, tell her that you enjoy watching her storage unit, being auctioned off on one of the reality shows. She will most likely try to use the kids against you, to get you to pull out of the divorce. 

My friend, up to now, you have been a doormat. Time to man up. If your kids confront you. Tell them, you gave it all you had. But that your mom is having sex with another guy, and you are through. Remember, you are teaching your children about marriage. Would you want the way you live now to be their example? To be someones doormat, to have no self respect, to give this as an inheritance to their kids? Whether you go through the divorce or not is based on whether her fog clears. I wouldn't wait.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Be careful what you say to the kids. They can turn on you. Mothers have a way with kids and I would be very careful what you say to them or what you allow them to hear you say. Kids can be very forgiving after the shock wears off. It is not right but keep in mind that mothers win the kids most of the time.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm going to see my lawyer Thursday about my support hearing coming up. I will ask him about filing for divorce. Also as for contacting the other mans wife I have no idea what her name is or how to contact her. They live out of town never meet either of them. I just know his name. 

I also found out that he is in the army and just left for afganastan almost a month ago. Maybe thats why she is acting all nice and like nothing is wrong?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

mark 2 said:


> I'm going to see my lawyer Thursday about my support hearing coming up. I will ask him about filing for divorce. Also as for contacting the other mans wife I have no idea what her name is or how to contact her. They live out of town never meet either of them. I just know his name.
> 
> I also found out that he is in the army and just left for afganastan almost a month ago. Maybe thats why she is acting all nice and like nothing is wrong?


Check whitepages, zabasearch.com, spokeo and other people search sites to find phone numbers. 

Since he left his wife should pick up the phone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How do you know OM is out of country?
Is she being nice so you don't go looking for OMW?
Is the info. comeing from your WW

I"m guestioning all this b/c it is very possible that your WW has gone deeper underground with her affair.

As long as she can keep the lie going she can have the stabilty and security of a husband and have her crazy fun with her "friend".

Even though you guy aren't living together, I'm sure you are doing your fair share of helping her out.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Well an update. I filled for child support and she showed up to the hearing with no layer. She tried to say he couldn't make it to the support officer but was caught in a lie when the officer said no your lawyer called here and said he wasn't coming because you never met with him. She instantly started crying and shaking! 

I felt so bad but she is doing it to herself. She has so many lies going on she is starting to get caught up in them. So before the hearing she would act as if nothing was wrong. Walk in my house eat my food talk to me about stuff saying " we this" and "our and us" things that really confused me. It would keep my hopes up cause I would think she is thinking about us. Now after the hearing she wouldn't even talk to me. 

So she was granted a week to meet with her lawyer and get things together and 2 weeks went by and nothing. My lawyer said she really has her priorities messed up! So the support office sent out a letter awarding me 634 a month she has to pay for my daughters braces and keep me and the kids on her insurance. She is also 1600 in the rears already. She has 20 days to appeal. I heard she had a breakdown and had to leave work early the day she received the letter. I'm glad she is feeling pain for what she put me through but I still love her and I feel bad.

I can't let my heart change my mind. She chose this and I have to worry about me and the kids. She did tell me that her lawyer advised her to try and work things out ourselves but all she did was threaten me again. Said "I'm willing to give you something now but if we goto court I'm fileing for custody and you will get nothing!" Then walked out of the house. Well that just made me mad. She didn't offer anything but threats. I was willing to work something out but I'm not begging! So since she wants to be a hard ass I sent the phone records to her boyfriends wife and I'm not doing my wife any favors working things out. She's digging her own grave!

But anyways I am doing much better. Feeling better about myself and getting happier. Reading others posts and advice along with my counselor, lawyer and family I am finding out it does get better and i'm on the right track. I'll keep ya posted on the hearing! I'm expecting divorce papers soon LOL. I heard she is so mad and frustrated cause she had it all figured out and it's not happening that way! Everyone is wrong the lawyer the support office etc. It really is starting to get alittle funny! 

Again thanks for the help and support!


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

mark 2 said:


> Well an update. I filled for child support and she showed up to the hearing with no layer. She tried to say he couldn't make it to the support officer but was caught in a lie when the officer said no your lawyer called here and said he wasn't coming because you never met with him. She instantly started crying and shaking!
> 
> I felt so bad but she is doing it to herself. She has so many lies going on she is starting to get caught up in them. So before the hearing she would act as if nothing was wrong. Walk in my house eat my food talk to me about stuff saying " we this" and "our and us" things that really confused me. It would keep my hopes up cause I would think she is thinking about us. Now after the hearing she wouldn't even talk to me.
> 
> ...


Stay strong -- Wishing you the best !!


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Nice going. Keep the pressure on. No breaks for her. She abandoned her family. That should mess her up when it comes to custody.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Warms my heart when I read about a cheater getting their just desserts.

Be glad you found out what kind of person she truly was before you had wasted half your life on her. I think a great woman who will love you and your children is waiting in the wings.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've done very well standing up to her. I'm sure your children as seeing a father handling a very hard situation with dignity and a spine. This will help them down the road because they will know you are the parent they can trust - the one who will be there for them.

Good job on sending the records to the OMW. Don't tell your STBXW, just sit back and wait for her to get angry - that will tell you that you got them through.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She;ll come back. Stay wary.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you haven't already change all the locks on the house.

Keep a voice recorder everytime she comes to visit or calls you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She;ll come back. Stay wary.


 She will come back and make like everything is fine and that she wants to work it out, but her real goal will be to get you to drop the divorce and the support payments. She wants a reset on the divorce process (next time she will be better prepared) and to have you rug sweep so that she can cake eat a bit longer.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

keko said:


> Keep a voice recorder everytime she comes to visit or calls you.


 By secretly keeping a VAR on you at all times, you can get her to say things to you that will prove that you did not assault her. All she needs to do is to claim that you pushed her or held her down for her to file an assault charge against you. She will do this to get a restraining order that will keep you from the house and kids and give her the upper hand in the divorce. If you think that she will not do this, think again. It is a common divorce tactic that one of friends or family will eventually tell her about.

Stop thinking of her as that caring woman that you loved and married. That person is gone. This new person is a selfish person that does not care about you at all.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Another update. I received yesterday a letter from her attorney with a list of things she had receipts for she bought the kids. Well I should say my daughter. Almost everything on it was hers. Bras , dresses etc. We had a verbal agreement she would by my daughter stuff I would by my son stuff. Honestly I don't really want to take my daughter bra and dress shopping anyways! LOL 

But that is how we had it set up. Also they both played indoor soccer. So I bought shin gaurds and indoor soccer shoes for both and she bought the outdoor cleats. Wouldn't ya know them are on the list too! WOW! She bought my daughter a $100 dollar pair of sneakers and told my daughter if she wanted them she would have to pay for half. That's on there also!

I just don't understand her thinking. She is trying to get credit for the $1555 she is in the rears in support. I told my lawyer I'm not agreeing to anything. She moved out said she wanted her life back. Well here is your life back deal with it!!! She is not going to move out and run away from here responsibilities.

Does she think I don't buy my son anything? I even pay $40 a month for my daughters cell phone that my X doesn't help with because I forgot to bring it up in the support hearing.

I was also inofmed by my lawyer they received a letter from her lawyer that she is appealing the desicion for support and filed for equal shared custody. Well now that she's gotta pay she wants to be a mom. Unbeleivable. I run the kids to and from practice, games, dance etc. While she takes her mom out to dinner on the nights she is supposed to have the kids. Buys a new car and lives with her mom no bills. REALLY!!!

I'm sorry for venting on here I just needed to get it out. I couldn't get in to see my counselor. I have every day and night documented and the times she picks them up. I just don't know what else to do. I have a hearing on July 17th I hope the judge sees it the way me and everyone else sees it. My counselor said he would also write a letter of recomendation for me.

I just don't know who my X is anymore. She is not the person I married. It's gotta be a midlife crisis or depression or something?!! SOOOO Frustrating!!!!!!!! And it's only hurting the kids! I'm passed the point where I break down and cry. I'm just getting mad now cause I'm tired of the lies and threats!!!!


OK Thanks I feel better for now!!!!!LOL

Thoughts please!!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wish I could help, perhaps moving to the divorce forum may prove more fruitful as not everyone here has gone through divorce


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

dadsdivorce.com ... check it out.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Well it's almost 6 months and it looks like she's not coming back. When should I have the talk with the kids? They still think mom and dad are gonna get back together. I won my support and now she is filing an appeal and for equal joint custody. Now that there is money involved she wants the kids more. It's terrible. She thought her and her "friend" had it all figured out! LOL 

I'm glad to say I'm feeling alot better since day one. I took in alot of advice from you guys my psychologist, my lawyer as well as family and friends. She just doesn't show any intrest in trying. I still get in my funks that I can't shake and just think about what I did and why me but as everyone has told me it is getting better. Dreams and plans just change.

When she got the support order she broke down crying and told her family she was going to her lawyer and filing for divorce and taking half of the house and everything. That was 3 weeks ago I haven't seen anything yet! Anyways you can't get have of nothing!!!! We refinanced a few years ago and we don't have enough equity in the house and we owe more then we could sell it for.! I have no 401K because I spent it trying to keep us out of bankruptcy when she wanted to quit working and go back to school and my shop decided to close. LOL she has no clue but yet has it all figured out! 

I know she have a 401k with 35 to 40k in there and guess who's gonna get half of that! She's not thinking about that cause sh's stuck on herself now!!!!!! Oh well I hope the judge sees it the way the support office did. I know it's said to be a women's system guess i'll find out on july 17th.

I just wonder where the woman I married went? Nobody understands and can figure out what she is doing? She even had the nerve to ask me to change her windshield wipers. Like a dummy I did. She's lucky my kids were standing there. She has 4 brothers and her "friend" for crying out loud.


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## New_beginning (Jun 11, 2012)

Mark , I'm in a similar pickle. She initially refused joint counseling then said to arrange for one.

I think i'm her backup in case her other plans falls through. It's a horrible feeling to be someone's backup plan trust me. I felt so horrible for a long time.

My wife was even telling the married guy t leave his wife for her; i kid you not, I have every chat message sating that.

Do yourself a favor (easier said than done) put your foot down. I did. Take care of your kids and NEVER EVER become someone's backup plan. You deserve better


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mark 2 said:


> Well it's almost 6 months and it looks like she's not coming back. When should I have the talk with the kids? They still think mom and dad are gonna get back together. I won my support and now she is filing an appeal and for equal joint custody. Now that there is money involved she wants the kids more. It's terrible. She thought her and her "friend" had it all figured out! LOL
> 
> I'm glad to say I'm feeling alot better since day one. I took in alot of advice from you guys my psychologist, my lawyer as well as family and friends. She just doesn't show any intrest in trying. I still get in my funks that I can't shake and just think about what I did and why me but as everyone has told me it is getting better. Dreams and plans just change.
> 
> ...


As bad as you're feeling right now, you're doing great. Stay strong brother, not just for yourself, but for the kids! They need to stay strong, especially right now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She was cheating long before you found out. She separated once you caught her. The OM left on deployment and he wouldn't leave his wife, so she started sending you feelers and stringing you along. You did not buy it. now she is acting out of spite.

You should call this guy's wife and inform her. Also expose the OM at his work place.


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## New_beginning (Jun 11, 2012)

Do you need any financial support if she doesnt give you any?

If not, forget it with her. Make your divorce as simple as possible. She keeps what she has and you keep yours and you both spend on the kids when they need it. That would make the paperwork go faster as uncontested.

If you do need financial support then get an arrangement with her pronto.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hicks said:


> dadsdivorce.com ... check it out.


Yep.

Keep a journal of how good of a dad you are, record anything and everything you do with the kids. 

Plus keep records of anything your x says, if anything seems to show she is unfit to be a good mother then add them to your journal.

You need to start preparing yourself for the court ASAP. Buy a VAR and record all of her conversations and store her emails/text messages.


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## New_beginning (Jun 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She was cheating long before you found out. She separated once you caught her. The OM left on deployment and he wouldn't leave his wife, so she started sending you feelers and stringing you along. You did not buy it. now she is acting out of spite.
> 
> You should call this guy's wife and inform her. Also expose the OM at his work place.


Good point. When my wife told me that her and the married guy were only friends. I said to her 'great lets go to dinner all 4 of us. She then started swearing at me.

oops


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Nice going Mark. Get that VAR, and since she comes to your house, you are allowed to record. Maybe what you should do is ask the judge to order her to have a full med and mental exam. explain about the family depression history. Not that you want her back, but because she is around the kids. Too many wives are harming kids nowadays. Personally, I would have had her committed the day she left, knowing her family history. Also let the judge know she was not interested in the kids until she got the support papers. Since she didn't buy anything for your daughter before that, she won't have receipts. Then let the judge know you had to sell your truck to keep the house going while she bought a new car. You have all the proof, just get it organized


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you Mark.

I do hope the judge sees her for what she is. A runaway Mom.

I have no respect for a person, man or woman, that walk away from their children and not only put the BS in limbo but the kids too.

Keep moving forward. Continue as if she is not coming back to the marriage.

The way she is acting I would not want her back.

If she can't step up to the plate then it is time for you to step up and serve her notice.

Keep posting and thanks for the update.

HM64


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Is it normal for someone to leave you after 18 years and act like nothing is wrong? I don't get it! She bought me a really nice watch for fathers day " from the kids" has asked me to do things with her and the kids but never wants to talk or anything about us.

I'm worried my kids are gonna get hurt worse cause they are thinking we are going to get back together. But to tell you the truth I don't know if I want to get hurt like that again. Would I try possibly. I don't want her to turn it on me with the kids and say I didn't try. but enough is enough. I've talked to enough people and got great advice from most of you guys and my family and friends that have helped me to start feeling better about myself.

I don't wanna disrespect her in front of the kids because I don't want them to do it. But to come over or to keep asking me to do things with her and the kids is killing me. I also don't want her to tell the kids well I invited dad but he didn't wanna come or do anything then I look like the bad guy. So I just put a fake smile on and deal with it for the kids.

Any thoughts on how to handle this? 

Thanks


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She's keeping the doors open with you, incase her adventure's don't bring in a better man then you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

keko said:


> File for divorce, like yesterday.
> 
> Document all of her actions, how much you're taking care of the kids and push for a full custody/child support.
> 
> She is not only using you but also humiliating you. Good luck and act FAST!


:iagree:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mark 2 said:


> Is it normal for someone to leave you after 18 years and act like nothing is wrong? I don't get it! She bought me a really nice watch for fathers day " from the kids" has asked me to do things with her and the kids but never wants to talk or anything about us.
> 
> I'm worried my kids are gonna get hurt worse cause they are thinking we are going to get back together. But to tell you the truth I don't know if I want to get hurt like that again. Would I try possibly. I don't want her to turn it on me with the kids and say I didn't try. but enough is enough. I've talked to enough people and got great advice from most of you guys and my family and friends that have helped me to start feeling better about myself.
> 
> ...


Yes there is a way to handle this. You divorce her for being a coward and a cheat!

Pretty simple when you think about it.

Oh Yes! Add abandonment to the D papers.

You deserve better. Go find it.........


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am sorry I read you OP and just letting you know. That you sir do not deserve this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mark 2 said:


> Is it normal for someone to leave you after 18 years and act like nothing is wrong? I don't get it! She bought me a really nice watch for fathers day " from the kids" has asked me to do things with her and the kids but never wants to talk or anything about us.
> 
> I'm worried my kids are gonna get hurt worse cause they are thinking we are going to get back together. But to tell you the truth I don't know if I want to get hurt like that again. Would I try possibly. I don't want her to turn it on me with the kids and say I didn't try. but enough is enough. I've talked to enough people and got great advice from most of you guys and my family and friends that have helped me to start feeling better about myself.
> 
> ...


Yes, it's quite normal in many cases. It's called keeping you as the back up plan. As soon as OM comes back, which I'm sure she's being faithful to HIM, her cold attitude will be back.

Stop doing things with her and the kids. Do the stuff with your kids only, do not include her. Keep doing the 180. She needs a good dose of reality.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm so confused on this whole situation. I wanna be nice and help her but I don't. She acts like we are together but we aren't. My friends say she has a screw lose. I can't wait till the custody hearing is over and I can start getting things in order. It's in 2 weeks. I don't wanna be mean and have her use it against me in court. I hope the judge sees it like everyone else. That she's a cheater that left her husband and abandoned her family.

My friends and I were laughing because she was at my softball game acting like we were together went and bought me gatorade and sunflower seeds cause she didn't want me to get dehydrated. Fixed the bandana i was wearing cause she didn't want me to look like a dork. Sat in the back of my truck watched the game and was talking with everything like all is good. Telling people she seen them out at some band she went to see with her girlfriend. That she loves seeing live music! That's funny whenever I tried getting her to go out she hardly ever wanted to. 

All my friends were harrassing me cause how she was acting. I told them you see what I gotta deal with! All the time she acts is we are best buds. I know it's confusing the kids as well cause I'm sure the heck screwed up!!!!!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mark 2,

She is either in or she is out. 

When she showed up at the game did you tell her to get her ass in the truck cause she is coming home now with you.

I would like to see her answer in front of everybody. You need to put her on the spot.

And when she says no I am not going home with you, I guarantee that you will no longer be confused.

No matter how your hearing goes it is time to D her. If she has made no contact with you, cannot figure out her own life then you have to move on with your kids.

Be patient a little while longer and after the custody hearing make a decision on what you really want in your marriage.

It sounds like you are the only one married, she is just putting up a front and you are the one suffering.

HM64


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Agian I don't know what to think. Wednesday we spent the whole day together as a family. We nt to the 4th parade hung out for awhile at the festivities then she bought filet minion corn on the cob made my favorite chuckwagon beans and blt salad and brought them over for a cookout. Then she took a nap I did some stuff around the house then we went to see the fireworks.

Friday she calls me to see what me and the kids are doing. Says I cancelled the appeal hearing for support on Tuesday my lawyer said everything was right and there was no sense in wasting money. Well what I don't get is why didn't he say that from the beginning? Why wait till a few days before? She had to pay $50 for the appeal hearing to be scheduled plus what ever her lawyer charged her to meet with him and do the paper work.

So anyways after the phone call she comes over and we go to the beach spend the day there and we see someone we know. Offcourse they looked shocked to see us together as a family and start in my opinion getting digs in to my X to be about them doing more family stuff. My X just laughs and says to my kids and the lady yes see we are going to do more family thing and to my teenage daughter a little less social life. Well teens will be teens and I'm glad she and my son are very active and would'nt want it any other way. Better then a couch potato. But where did this family stuff come from??

So after a day at the beach we again come back to my place cook on the grill and hung out till 11 or so watching TV and she goes home to her moms. Saturday my daughter had a game at 11 am so she stopped and picked me and the boy up and we went to watch. After we came back to my house got got some lunch and asked about going to a baseball game later that evening. She went home took a nap and came back and we went to the game got back around 11 again hung out for a bit then went home. 

So today I sit here typing on this computer wondering WTF to do. What is she thinking? I know I don't want to be hurt again and I do not want the kids to get hurt anymore. We still have a custody hearing coming up in a week. Is she being nice cause of that? So much going through my head and trying to keep my heart out of it!!!!!!!!! I will not just take her back! There will be questions to be answered and counseling to be done for her especially. If she doesn't wanna do it then i'm out. I just don't get why she won't talk about anything. My friend says I should bring it up cause my x never has been an initiator of anything always a follower. But I feel she caused this she should fix this. I have done what I think I need to do. Take care of myself and my kids. 


I just don't know!!!!!!!!!!!???????


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you considered making yourself scarce every time she comes by to your home?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There is nothing confusing here, she is playing the "look I'm a great mom and see how well we get on together" and your encouraging her by your lack of action.

Your being the Mr Nice walk all over me guy, does it feel feel good , do you feel like your a family. Your not so why carry on pretending.

Harden up , there are no family outings , don't let her help you out or be in the house at the same time as her. Better still don't let her in your house at all. Show her the reality of seperation and D by not having anything to do with her. Go dark on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's getting all she needs. Her freedom, her being "right", the family things she never wanted to leave to begin with, your emotional support, all the guilt feelings eased by your response. There's nothing forcing her to think about her choices because there's not a single bad consequence.
If you wants things smooth before the custody hearing, fine, but after that you should completely detach from her. Go dark. Better texts/emails in a bussiness like tone than phone calls. Only about schedules. Make a life for yourself, as a single man, unrelated to "family". Don't be predictable, don't answer inmediately. Let her wonder what are your going up. Dont be available. Detach.
I don't think this situation with beach outings nad alike is healthy even for your children, they are sure confused enough about all this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree. You are justifying her actions. She broke up your family and she is now saying "see I was right isn't this better?" Well is it better for you or just better for her cake eating self?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Eli and Beowulf are right.

Smarten up and call her out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

you are the confusing one not her. you should have put stop to her. and stop going out with her on a date hoping she will be on her nease beggining for mercy. she is playing a game and seems you are falling for it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Just read this and I feel for you. 

Been / am there now. 15years, 11 married, 2 kids 8 and 9
D day Apr 25th (dday4# btway - serial cheater)
Got her out of the house Ap29th

Straight away she was coming and going in and out of the house "lets be a family for the kids"(age 8 and 9) "mummy needs to think before she comes home again" 

I was in a complete daze like you, her getting this bit of clothing, starting to make tea, making small talk about work (where the OM was)

Expecting me to get a remortgage of £50,000 (approx $80,000 ) withing a month and be living in a new house within another month !! Of course not quite getting that being a house husband I was part time working and would never have enough earnings to actually get the remortgage ! duur!

Our first huge blow up was when I suggested /demanded the house key after about four days she refused 
"I need to get stuff and deal with the kids" 
Funny that, I've been their main carer for 7 years so I think I can do that" I replied

I said "I tell you what you keep the key but I'd like a copy of your one where you rent so I can come and go as I please hows that sound?"

She left it on the table next time she left!!

At any 'all four of us event' I could only last 10 seconds before I made my excuses and left as my inner rage burned at her 'get over it' attitude 

She still persisted with the "kids would like us to do things together" but I told her she's deluded if she thinks that will ever happen again.

I also told the kids this was it that she would not be back as they kept asking "Mummy said after 4 weeks maybe she will be etc etc " More lies and I just don't want them hurt any more with her sh**e

She's getting it now I think and is pissy with me for being this way but frankly, it's the only way I can have any self respect and dignity after she's spent years stripping those things away from me slowly and deliberately 

Any functions even at the school now and I make sure she's not in my vicinity or I or her will simply not partake

I'm not doing any more acting and deceit (even for the kids) which lets face it even now is for her benefit, so the kids are not confronted with what kind of person their mother really is
Ironically for 15 yrs I have loved, supported her with all her deceit, acting, lies and indiscretions but can't put up with it now for 15 seconds!

It is hard and like you I, infuriatingly, still love her but for my own sanity and future I can't have it any other way

People say it will change but I see no evidence of that at all

We rarely talk on the phone and now I go for days when I hear nothing which I found difficult but now it's getting a tiny bit better.

Worst days are when I don't have the kids but I cant affect that so...

I know its hard but if you really want to protect yourself mark you are going to have to put a line under her (even if its temporary). She's way in control and you need imo to set a few boundaries for yourself and of course your children

Good luck my friend


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is manipulating you and you are not recognizing it. She is keeping her back up plan intact, in case if it doesn't work with OM, you should be there for her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another HUGE benefit she's getting is public image/reputation. It might be even more important than the rest. If you were to cut her off your life, she'd had to lie to explain the situation. In her mind having you in her life, doing family things provide her all the justifications she needs (as you are "understanding" of her need to stray, seemingly admiting the blame).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Another HUGE benefit she's getting is public image/reputation. It might be even more important than the rest. If you were to cut her off your life, she'd had to lie to explain the situation. In her mind having you in her life, doing family things provide her all the justifications she needs (as you are "understanding" of her need to stray, seemingly admiting the blame).


:iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is obviously setting herself up a the great person for the hearing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Look forget the political bs this woman is playing. Stop playing the game. If she insists on going with the family then take her fine. When people ask her and she starts with the oh we are a great family. Cut her off and explain to both parties that nothing is happening until my wife owns up to banging OM. 
It is hard to be happy after all that. Plus you need to start making plans and taking your kids places with out telling her. If she calls don't answer. either **** of get off the pot man. Stop playing games if you had done the 180 from the start things would be much less complicated. 
Your wife is not a cake eater she it trying to do three things. Hurt you, turn your kids against you, and turn your friends against you. The sooner you expose her misdeeds to everyone, she can't pretend anymore. By hiding all of this you are playing right into her hands. Stop why haven't you gotten mad? The idea of her should piss you off. The mere mention of her name should be like acid on your tongue. Commit to yourself now and your kids and get this woman out of your life.


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## mark 2 (Apr 23, 2012)

Well I lost my hearing for custody. The strange thing is I was so mad because I documented everything saved all the schedules and report cards and stuff to show the mediator and he didn't wanna see anything. Just asigned equal shared custody so we each have them the same amount of time. I told him I don't even know why we are here cause there never was an issue with custody she could see them when ever she wanted but since the support office sided in my favor now she wants custody arrangments. Did me no good. Wasted money on a lawyer. System sucks. 

But anyways I thought the X was just being nice for the hearing coming up. Well after the hearing she asked to come over and talk. I agreed and we had a very good heart to heart talk. I told her straight out I'm done playing house you are either in or your not! I am not setting the kids up to be crushed again cause you wanna act like a family when we aren't. She started bawling. Said she wants to but shes scared. I said well how do you think I feel I'm not going backwards Im starting to feel better and I aint gonna hurt like that again. She hugged and kissed me. I mean really kissed me!!!! Needless to say against my better judgment we ended up in the bedroom. I told her this doesn't change anything. I meant what I said. I told her I don't want her to move back in till I say its ok. She agreed.

Im still nervous. We have spent everyday together since about a week . Doing stuff with the kids. we told the kids we were going to the store and snuck out to get icecream and talked some more. She seems sincere but I'm not rushing into anything. My kids and myself aren't getting crushed again. Day by day we will see how it goes and if I get my questions answered if not then it won't work. Maybe I should move over to the reconciliation forum?


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Mark, regarding your last post. The first half of it was nothing but finding excuses for you WW.

I'm almost 48, a have all of that pari-menapause stuff going on but I haven't taken up with any old high school boy friends or new guys. I have suffered from depression most of my life, severe when I found out about my FWH affair, but I haven't decided to cheer myself up by running off and acting like I'm single.

What I'm trying to say is that even if those things are true of her it doesn't make it ok to behave the way she is.

You said she "made" you get her another phone plan because she didn't want you to see her history. Really? Mark, make her pay for her own phone. Don't pay for something you can't check on. Don't pay any of her bills.

She left the marital home, she needs to pay child support. 

Mark, as a woman I can't say this any more clearly than this:
Your wife is using you. Her play thing is married. You're back up.
You're a way to get out of her financial and parental responsibilities. If you do not file you let her keep mentally screw you while she is physically screwing him. Want a shot at getting her back? Find the OMW and tell her. Out her to her family. Then get a new MC. Sounds to me like he is making excuses for her and wants you to be patient. That is exactly how you permanently lose her. Guaranteed.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Yes, It sounds like she tried to stay around making sure you didnt stumble upon the woman of your dreams at the grocery store.... and become some happy family with some new lady and her kids. 

She probably had a lot to think about after ole dude deployed. No one can make you stay away because you clearly let her make the rules while she is away from the home. If you take her back and she is not genuine, it will come out. She will get complacent and back in her home , the REAl her may come back out but this time she will make sure any divorce or seperation will go her way. 

She will not leave again. She will make sure she stays in the home so she doesnt look like she abandoned the kids. Just be careful because any mistakes made by her with the seperation wont happen again because she will make sure it works more in her favor than yours.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Take it one day at a time Mark. Keep a watchful eye and trust your gut.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mark 2 said:


> I told her I don't want her to move back in till I say its ok. She agreed.


If I were you I'd stick to that bit, not for a day or a week but at least a few months.
Really put her to the test and find out just how much she loves you when the comfort zone is somewhat diminished


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

what you need to be doing is finding out if she is still in contact with OM. If she is, then spending time together is nothing but pretense.
So you should be demanding NC, to give your marriage a chance at true R.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Think very hard about your boundaires, let her know the rules and go NC unless she accept them and you can see her following through consistent actions for a while.
NC letter, total transparence, full disclosure, IC, MC, books about rebuilding after affairs... whatever.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dude, you're being played. You've almost got free of her, don't give up now. Start working out and getting yourself ready for all those single, and much younger, ladies you'll be meeting soon.


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