# Best Way To Resolve issues



## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

I been married to wife for 12 yrs with 2 young kids. We had a great relationship with wife until a month ago... one night, we're in bed sleeping and I woke up because she is talking on her sleep and saying some guys name... Didn't think much of it and went back to sleep and didn't mentioned to her, out of sight out of mind!! 
Following night, it happens again and next morning made a comment to her in regards to her sleep talk.. she said, she has talked on her sleep since childhood?? told her, we have been sleeping together for the past 15 yrs and first time I noticed!!

Somehow this, "triggered" for the 1st time since been together my JEALOUS side, witch I didn't think I had!! 

So, I started "noticing" her "unusual" behavior with her cell phone. If she was sitting on the couch watching tv with kids, she would sit in a way that I could not see her phone screen. Sometimes, the tv was a bit loud and she would go into our bedroom bed and sit on the bed with phone on hand and as soon as I walked up she would close apps and put her phone down. 

It bothered me what she was doing so I confronted her and asked, if she was cheating or having some type of relationship besides me??? She answered NO!! and got somewhat defensive!! She didn't like the fact that I was accusing her of cheating!! I explained to her what I saw and she agreed with me that her cell phone actions were "shoddy" and gave the impression of in-appropriate behavior and she said, she "put her phone down every time I walked into our bedroom because she felt I had something to talk to her about and she wanted to give to me her full attention." She said, she couldn't control what she said on her sleep!!!????
Since she works outside our home, she mentioned, she leaves for work at the same time and comes home at same time, when I would I have the time to have an affair?? she said, I don't go places by my self or disappear when I'm not at work I'm home with you guys!!! 

I was not "satisfied" with her answer and started doing something I haven't done in my life. I started going thru her cell phone at night when she is gone to bed (Feel horribly about it) and on her cell there's no history of text, calls, MMS other than the one's from me or her relatives. Everything gets deleted????
I have noticed texting or doing some writing on her cell and when I look for it later on there's nothing!!! To be fair, I have seen her paying some crosswords games on her cell. 

Sometimes, she mentions to me that she has to work or have meeting away from her office and takes our GPS, but when I check the GPS for traveled routes, it's clean that trip is erased... 

We've moved from the Midwest to this state because of this job opportunity for her and it has been 18 moths of living here and I have not been able to adjust and I have to admit I complained a lot about not liking been here. I left a decent job, friends and a balanced life style for this... She recently mentioned she unknowing "shutdown" cause of my negativity since we moved and that is one of the reason she has been more quiet towards me, but she refuses to go back to Midwest.

Sunday morning she mentions to me that she's working from outside her office because her company is having a 2 day full day "Kumbaya" meeting at a Downtown Hotel??? 

Last night she gets home 30 min late from her usual time and I'm not happy because I felt she could of called to let me know... She has in the past... 9'ish comes around and we have some "intimacy" even thou she kind felt tired.. After that, I trowed my "dirty clothes" in the dirty pile and I missed the basket, lucky me, and I walked to it to deposit my clothes inside the basket while she's in the shower, and long and behold, I touched something wet!! (gross) I take a second look WTF I touched??? is her underwear with a big, wet, white spot on that particular area. Took a shower and she's already in bed ready to go to sleep and couldn't help myself so I asked her... She was shocked that I asked her... She said, it's a normal woman thing!!! I haven't noticed before when I have done laundry because I NEVER INSPECTED her underwear!!!!!! 
What I'm I doing wrong?? How can I regain my piece of mind?? How can I trust her??? Where I'm I wrong??? Any ideas?

PS!! English is not my first language so I apologize if my writing is kind of "complicated"!! Speak, Portuguese, Spanish, and some French and some English as you can see...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) Ask to have this thread moved to Coping with Infidelity
2) Read this thread
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
3) Quit confronting your wife whenever you find any little thing. Start gathering evidence and keep it to yourself
4) Get tested for STD's
5) Put a VAR in her car and your own GPS locator and figure out how to recover her deleted texts from her phone (this thread may help http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718 )
6) Start the 180 (referenced in the first link above)


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Oh, poop... Another one.

I hate to say it OP, but if she's not cheating, I'll eat my hat.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sh987 said:


> Oh, poop... Another one.
> 
> I hate to say it OP, but if she's not cheating, I'll eat my hat.


Polygraph or at least the threat of one and see how she reacts.
Voice activated recorder in her car asap.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sorry man, she is in the midst a full blown physical affair. She is having unprotected sex with whomever it is, you know his name already, she said it in her sleep.

The first question you'll need to ask yourself is, is this a deal breaker. She is unfaithful, do you even want her back? If not, its pretty simple. Take a day off work, follow her with a decent camera, and you'll get your evidence and you can file for a divorce immediately.

If you think you might be able to get past this (its no small thing), then shut the **** up and stop alerting her to her 'mistakes'. Follow her, again get evidence, and expose the affair to everyone who knows her, and her affair partner. You need to answer that first question though, because if she gets fired, and you get divorced anyway, well, you've complicated your side of things.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

By the way, there's no maybe here, it could not be anymore obvious unless they physically pushed you off your bed to have sex. There's no doubt at all.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with all the above.

Sounds like she's cheating to me. Best way to resolve this issue to get proof, without alerting her, as the above posters have said.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Retrieve the underwear from the hamper and get a semen detection kit and test them. You know it's not yours.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh, and move this thread over to Coping With Infidelity.

You can ask a mod to do it for you or just cut and paste your original posting over there and start over.


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

To be clear, we have 2 young kids together and it will be hard for me to leave even thou, I have always said, I would leave if she cheated!! 
I have not cheated on her and I feel this gives me the right to walk, but it is easier said, than done!! 
1. The physical intimacy bothers me, but IF she is cheating, the fact that they're NOT using protection bothers the hell out of me!!! 
2. The lying to my face, IF is what would make me walk away from her.
I did put a voice recorder on her car, but I doubt she would say anything but I guess is worth the try...

As mentioned, I been here in our city for a year and since I run a home business (liquor broker) I really haven't made any friends and my colleagues and friends are far away to borrow a car. 
We have a join bank accounts and Credit Cards so if I use them to rent a car to follow her she would know. 
I still have the "suspected" underwear and did a search online and noticed that labs now days have semen detention test $89 and what they call, "infidelity test" you bring an article with DNA on it (saliva, semen, secretion, blood.) and they test it. Then, you bring the same of you and they "match" DNA. $389!!! I usually don't keep that kind of cash at hand.. 

We had a conversation and the 'dirty underwear' came up and she remained me that is either her stuff or my stuff cause we had intimacy the previous night!! But if its mine, would it came out 20 hrs later? Say a full amount??? After all, she had meetings at a hotel and she was running late (30 min)!!!?????
I asked her if she would be willing to take a polygraph test and she acted, as she couldn't believe I was asking her to do so... She said, she would do it if that would peace my mind. Her take was, what this said bout our relationship and trust? 
I told her, if it was the other way around, I would be ALL FOR IT!! , I know it sucks and it seems that you don't believe me and I don't like it but I understand and to make you feel better, LET'S DO IT!!! Have nothing to hide!!! 
At the end, I feel that I'm over-reacting and that instead of going with all this **** on my head, I should seek counseling!!! The **** top **** is, I NEVER BEEN SO ****ED MENTALLY!!!

Any suggestions as to how to cope? should I borrow cash money from a friend and hire a private investigator?? How do they work and how much and long/should stay on a case to get a truth???


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You don't need a DNA profile, just whether it's sperm or not.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I think the kit's called Checkmate.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Do what ever you need to do to get proof. Do you have access to her phone records. It should take all of one minute to figure out her boyfriend's number, she'll risk wearing it out, or overloading the cell network with the amount of texts to it. (unless she is texting via data, maybe through the crossword app, or something similar). Does she have an iPhone? it is possible to recover deleted texts then. There are tutorials on how to do it in CWI, and on YouTube even. Stop talking to her about it if you are too gutless to leave, or kick her out.

Quickest way to resolve your issue? Believe the evidence you already have. Show up unannounced at her office, and escort her to a polygraph place directly. Let her bluster all she wants, she knows the god damned truth, she just thinks you are too stupid, and she can continue to bamboozle you. Stop letting her. Be strong, be resolute. Go through with the poly if she doesn't crack in the lobby. And be prepared to end your marriage. Consequences need to matter here, or you are lost.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ReyzakJ said:


> To be clear, we have 2 young kids together and it will be hard for me to leave even thou, I have always said, I would leave if she cheated!!
> I have not cheated on her and I feel this gives me the right to walk, but it is easier said, than done!!
> 1. The physical intimacy bothers me, but IF she is cheating, the fact that they're NOT using protection bothers the hell out of me!!!
> 2. The lying to my face, IF is what would make me walk away from her.
> ...


There are just waaaay too many red flags to ignore. Now stop talking about it and watch her actions.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

get a separate GPS and put on her car.
Do not confront anymore until you have solid proof. every time you do a "soft confront" you are driving her action future underground making it harder to catch her.
what kind of phone does she have? you will probably need to put spy software on her phone.
Get a VAR and put in her car.
weightlifter (a member here on TAM) will be here shortly to give specifics on the VARs.
I would have keep the pantys and used what is called checkmate kit that test for sperm.

P.S. english is my first and only language and i still have trouble.


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

Sad and angry, I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS to her cell phone records. She has an android base phone (Motto X) I have tried to Crack her password and take a look with no luck!!! 

As you mention, I'm to the point of making an appointment for the poly test and ask her for lunch, and instead, show up for a poly. 

Or, I feel to borrow the money and take the garment to have it test it for semen positive and if is positive, follow it with a match up to my DNA!! 
I consider myself a by the book, straight shooter person and I know I'm strong mentally and physically, is just that my hart and brain do not want to admit the woman I love would screw me over!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

If it's not too late, and it probably is, grab those panties and have them tested for semen.

Otherwise, it's obvious your wife is cheating on you. If you're looking for a smoking gun, the panties would have provided it; but if that' no longer an option, you need to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. You'll probably catch her talking to the OM or a friend about her A within a week.

Just pretend everything is normal in the meantime. You've already confronted too soon and she's just going to be that much more careful.

One other thing. The advice you're going to receive here will be blunt. Keep a thick skin, and *follow* it.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

Glad to see you moved over. Lots more help here.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

Fix your thread title. Looks kind of funny this way.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

Holy cow. If she has another man's semen in her underwear, just move on. If she has a yeast infection, get her some antifungal treatment.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You already know the DNA isn't yours.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She gets her phone bills online?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ReyzakJ said:


> Sad and angry, I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS to her cell phone records. She has an android base phone (Motto X) I have tried to Crack her password and take a look with no luck!!!
> 
> As you mention, I'm to the point of making an appointment for the poly test and ask her for lunch, and instead, show up for a poly.
> 
> ...


You are married you should have each others passwords.
Tell her you want it!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you read either of the links I posted??


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The woman you married is gone man. The marriage you knew is gone too. Change has already happened, she just hasn't said so out loud.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Seperate your finances today. Get an exterior lockset, put it on your bedroom door, kick her out of the bedroom, if not out of the house. You will not nice her back, no matter how much you try. You need to throw down hard consequences, and even then, it may be too late, but at least respect yourself. Look up the 180, Michelle Weiner Davis. Do it. You can't control her, you can control you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

Think of me as the head 007 here. Do yourself a favor and stop bringing it up.

Just do the below plan. Its undone 27 cheating wives and 1 cheating husband.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't know why a ton women haven't been posting here about the wet spot on the underwear...

If I am in my fertile phase, my underwear can certainly develop a big wet spot. 

Maybe her actions are weird, but I have to say, a wet spot on female underwear can be a normal occurrence depending on where she is in her cycle!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

BTW change title to COPE not Pope.

ack just realized I used an idiom you may be unfamiliar with.

I am really good at helping people bust their cheating spouses.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

Good man, weightlifter. 

I don't understand much about the latest technology, but for someone who needs to know, it's a service you're doing by telling us how it all works.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Re: How To Pope With Issues*

I don't know if thread titles can be edited.

I asked the mods to combine the two threads, maybe they can change the title too


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

I just wanted to thank all of you who have contributed to this post.

I DO have my wife's cell phone password, but not to her cell phone bill and that is how I manage to snoop after she has gone to sleep, but as mentioned, her cell phone is always "clean" with no "weird" text on her family account, Facebook, hangout, gmail+ and today I was able to look at our main credit, Checking and savings accounts with ALL it's history (4 months) and there's no "weird" charges, other than, a $12 dlls lunch she purchased at the hotel they had their work 2 day conference Mon & Tue. 

I did purchase the SONY VAR ICD PX333 a week ago and this morning I put it behind her seat but will work on improve the location for a better sound.

I don't think she will talk to a friend and chat about what is going on because she does not have confidant friends as she is a very private person??
She has not purchase new clothes, or exercise to lose weight, weird trips, or takes calls at home, or goes missing for hours for but her cell phone is constantly beeping with new emails from ADP, work Intranet, Facebook (she hardly ever replies to her contacts) and texts...??? 

I will ask a friend to borrow his CC to purchase Check-Mate and have it send to an UPS center... 
To be honest, if there was semen on her underwear it could be mine since we were intimate the previous night. So if it tested + then I would have to do a DNA panel to be sure its not mine.

When we talked this morning she accepted that she would take a Poly test but as she mentioned, what is that tell you about our relationship and trust?? 

She suggested, I/we see a therapist and she could go too or join at a latter date. 

As mentioned, if I did some hanky panky on the side I would fess up 'cause I hate BS and hate liars and cheaters!!


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

No therapist now. Polygraph and Check-mate. Ask her cell phone a/c password. If she gives good, else you you what to do.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The fact that she said "No" when you asked her about cheating is possitive. Typical liars would say "Never".

Right now you have smoke. I believe you prematurely jumped the gun on confrontation.

There are red flags but nothing concrete. Slow down, pretend you are over it and put a VAR in her car and try to get into her phone bill. 

I would not waste money on a poly.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you can get the phone texts can sometimes be undeleted...


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

I put a VAR inside the car and she did not talked to anyone on the tape...
I having the hardest time "cracking" her cell phone bill with no luck. 
I did ordered Check-mate today and should be getting it next week to address the underwear stain. If the result is + and since it very well could be mine, I will order a DNA test to match my DNA with DNA found .
Went to a local lab and where asking $300 for the test!! I'm not too familiar with phone gadgets and high tech stuff to retrieve her history from her Motorola Moto X android based phone. 
I check her cell every night with no weird or funny numbers. I beginning to think I'm paranoid and SHE IS REALLY not having an affair. 
I went for a walk yesterday around my area, and since I'm new around here, it was dark, I lost my way so I called from a loaned cell phone for directions to get home and went I got home, she suggested, if I wanted to walk at night to take her cell phone 'cause it has a map app.
Yrs ago, she used to post, anonymously, on a web-site similar to this one, but that one is for moms. I found a recent post from her, I don't think she knows That I know about this account or that she posts!!

Posted 02/27/2014

If your SO thought you might be cheating and, no matter how much you reassured him/her that you weren't (and you really weren't cheating), would you readily agree to take a polygraph? Would you refuse? Or would you agree, but wonder if taking it could possibly solve one issue but raise others?

What do you guys think???


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

A liar will still lie and a cheater's gonna cheat. If she's lying and cheating she'll just say the polygraph test is flawed and wrong (which is possible). And it will be your fault for making her take it. If she passes, well you know her best, what will she do? Probably nothing good. And guess what? Liars DO pass polygraphs, so you'd be back to square one or worse. Personally I think polygraphs are a last resort. I've taken a few and I'm not impressed.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You shouldn't have mentioned anything about her panties. if you're wrong, you are going to look like an idiot. 

You are better off finding other proof, the VAR is most likely your best option as I believe 99.9% of cheaters will speak with the AP inside of their car, its the most convenient and private place for a person to speak. If you heard nothing from this I would think its safe to assume she isn't cheating. But keep at it until you're satisfied.

For the record, my wife acted very, very similar the way you described your wife acting and my gut told me there was something going on. Turned out she had a burner phone and I busted her red handed with it. This could explain no record of any texts or calls. 

I'm just saying you have to be very careful how you bring things up because if you're wrong she wont forget some of the things you questioned, like her panties. If you are right it will come out its a matter of time.

I should mention that I never used a VAR, if I did I would have busted her months earlier.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

A polygraph isn't going to do **** in my opinion. If someone is very good at lying they can beat a poly. Don't waste your time. 

Incidently, how do you think your marriage will be after a polygraph if she isn't lying.


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

She could have a burner phone and every weekend I take her car to car wash and haven't find anything unusual, or if she did, is kept at her office?? 

I think that if she is having an affair, more than likely, is someone from her office so they keep their conversations for meeting plans at arms length during working hours so no electronic communication need it. She doesn't get many,would definetly if any, call while she is at home.

I guess, the line for me to drop my "insecurities" about her will be when I get to test the garment. If + then a DNA match is next... If negative and still have issues then I will seek professional help to deal with it. If + and not my DNA, then my life and mental health will take a dive that would take LONG TIME to recover!! I have given to my wife and family 1000% of me!!!

As mentioned, the Poly test are not very accurate and if she was to take it and pass it I would definitely look like a complete Jackass and I would have to do some ass kissing and YES HONEY for the rest of my life.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ReyzakJ - You need to be careful here. I actually do not think she is cheating. If she's so careful about deleting all of her texts or using a burner phone, why would she leave underwear with semen on them in the dirty clothes hamper? Semen has a definite smell that is very different from a woman's normal discharge. She ignores that physical clue but deletes texts/has a burner phone just doesn't make sense to me. 

Keep in mind that many on here have either been cheated on or have heard from many other posters who have. The immediate reaction on TAM is to assume guilt.

If I used your logic, then my H is cheating on me. He always cleans up his email inbox, immediately hard deleting all email except only the most important ones. I don't know if he does that with texts, but it wouldn't surprise me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Reyzak

You need to step back.

While some of your wife's activities might make you feel uneasy I also think mentally you are in a bad place since your relocation.

Be smart.

Stop bringing up her cheating. Stop accusing her of anything.

If you take her to a polygraph and she passes then you owe her an apology.

I also think you need some counseling yourself.

Do you have a job?

And keep the var in her car and anywhere else she talks at home on the phone when she is alone.

Do you think your wife ever cheated on you in the past?

HM


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> ReyzakJ - You need to be careful here. I actually do not think she is cheating. If she's so careful about deleting all of her texts or using a burner phone, why would she leave underwear with semen on them in the dirty clothes hamper? Semen has a definite smell that is very different from a woman's normal discharge. She ignores that physical clue but deletes texts/has a burner phone just doesn't make sense to me.
> 
> Keep in mind that many on here have either been cheated on or have heard from many other posters who have. The immediate reaction on TAM is to assume guilt.
> 
> If I used your logic, then my H is cheating on me. He always cleans up his email inbox, immediately hard deleting all email except only the most important ones. I don't know if he does that with texts, but it wouldn't surprise me.


Yep, he's cheating all right, what other red flags do you have?

Just joking:rofl:


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

UPDATE!! 
It has been a few weeks since I last posted and things are a lot better between her and I.

I end up NOT pushing for her to have a Polygraph test because it could totally backfired I would end up breaking our marriage if + or-.
I did get checkmate and that stuff is not easy to use... but following the instruction the garment tested negative for semen, but I did a positive sample and was also negative?? 
We are now close and we tend to talk a lot more we are also re-connecting as when we first got married and our sex life has gone thru the roof!!
As mentioned, at one point, I installed a VAR in her car but the two occasions it taped, she basically, said, nothing or talked with anyone while on the car. The other times, I managed to stop the recorder while securing it so did not taped. Stop doing it!
I do get insecure from time to time, but I guess, is something I have to deal with and nagging is not the solution.
To be honest, my gut feeling still there, but with out proof or her coming out is hard to prove anything!! 
I do work from home as I own a small distribution business that gives me a fair amount of income. 

Thanks to all of you for your comments.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Like you said,.you work from home and you don't meet people. Go out and get some hobbies etc. Meet people or else.

Get the mmslp book and read it.linked to below. It can be downloaded too. In your situation this book is a must read. Check out the reviews at amazon.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My request to her would be to remove the password from her phone... other than that nothing said cheating too me. A bit loose of expectations, but those can be easily rectified


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

*Recent Up-Date*

Okay, so "things are back to normal" and sometimes do get on that roller coaster of distrust.... 

I have put the VOR hidden well in her car, and once again, nothing!! 

We went out with kids and she gave me her purse with her phone in it, while she was playing with our kids for a while. 

Since I have the password for her cell phone, I have checked her phone and recently found out a few parts of text she send and received from a co-worker that when some like this: 
Some of them, were work related asking her question about general work things and the one that bothered me. 
Her: hey 
Him: hey
Him: you have a minute
Her: I'm at my office ;-)
Then I found her using ;-) at times, (with no conversations or possible deleted conversations with him) :scratchhead:
When He uses text icons he uses  and she used ;-).
I saw this text late at night and the next morning I asked her, in a non-regarding manner as to what, ;-) meant to her, I acted innocent when I knew was a "loaded question" she answered that to her was, similar to  ( a smile). So I left it at that... 
On Friday night, we got into it because she closed "HER" bank account and opened a new one and she received her new ATM and "somehow" I was not in the account so no ATM for me. this is an account that it should be for the two of us but she felt, I didn't need any info or be on it.
I exploded because, once again, felt she was hiding thing from me and decided to confront her about the text and got her phone and showed her and told her WTF with you flirting with this Jackass!!
She said, that she wasn't flirting and is more an inside joke she 
and her assistance do to this guy because he always have too many questions about general company -emails!! So many times, when they're about to send a general office e-mail they send it to him first cause of his questioning. 
So I asked her, WTF does a married woman doing sending ;-) (winks to me) to another man? She denied those were winks but similar to smiles. 
I asked to a least give me benefit of accepting she was flirting with the guy, yet, she denied!!
She said, she would stop doing it from now on...'cause she didn't mean it that way!!
Recently, last night I checked her phone and ALL text except mine of her family are deleted.
Also, since we started having this problems, somehow, her sex drive has gone up where we are having sex everyday and on weekends 2 or 3 times!! Last week, I asked, if she could meet me for lunch at home (works 25 min drive away) and she accepted. Not once, since we been married(12 yrs), she has come/accepted lunch at home even when she worked less than a mile from home. 
I know I'm extremely paranoid and without me wanting too. I'm always looking for signs of wrong doings on her part... I DO LOVE my wife but I'm tired of living in this emotional roller coaster and do know what to do to truly get over it?? I feel that I should leave her and start a life without her because is not fair for her or me to live this this..

thanks for reading my ramblings ) 


And He replayed  again, sometimes at part of


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Have you gotten the password to her online phone account yet?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Bank account is a red flag.

sigh


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

No I haven't been able to get a hold of her cell phone account password. I have the sign in name but no password. 

She switched banks 'cause her old bank gave us crap when we were trying to purchase a big ticket item. She opened her acct with new bank, and even though we had agreed she was going to ad my she didn't... The next day after this argument, she add me to it and gave me access...

You think is a good idea to put one of those spy program on her cell or keep the recorder on her car?? :-(

How about her winking to this other guy and deleted text conversations?? Doing this ;-) is it flirting or just smiles as she said?? 

Now, I'm beginning to think that I should give her a taste of what is it feels to be insecure about your spouse... I know, if did it, I would hate myself for it!!

I was a our local supermarket after my previous post and saw what I considered an attractive woman shopping (no ring on her finger) and kind of "look at her" and she definitely responded... 'cause 5 min later she approached me to talk ... 
She did most of the talk, mostly, small talk, and I didn't asked her anything personal, much less, for her number...I was just acting as if I was interested on what she had to say...(not)
I **was** before marriage well liked by women and since I been marry "I have not looked" at any other women so it was a bit awkward to do so...
To me, it was a validation as a men that others women still find me likeable???

Should I just leave and end this "falseness" on my part as I'm making her think everything is normal and that love is in the air??
I guess, she didn't have to cheat on me ( I can't prove it otherwise) for me to lose my trust on her and therefore just walk away before I hurt myself worse, her and our kids????

Any suggestion of how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated!!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Bank account is a red flag.
> 
> sigh


I agree. It's time to lawyer up. You don't have to file yet but you need to have a consultation with all the best divorce attorneys in town and retain the biggest shark.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

*Re: Recent Up-Date*



ReyzakJ said:


> Okay, so "things are back to normal" and sometimes do get on that roller coaster of distrust....
> 
> I have put the VOR hidden well in her car, and once again, nothing!!
> 
> ...


We're they not in the same in the same office/dept when they text each other?
Do they have phones in the offices?

Ask her for the password. If she's got nothing to hide she will give it to you!!!

ps. If/when you can proof an affair is/has occurred. Then you have my blessing to hit-on, date, f*€k any girl you want!


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

I will ask for her cell phone bill password straight out and if she says no then I will be done with her 'cause she is hiding something!! 
My kids will always be my kids and will try to continue be the best father I could be for them 'till I'm dead.
I'm really debating to give her a taste of her own medicine and make her jealous to see how it ****ing feel like to be ****ed mentally and emotionally.
Since I married her I been faithful to the letter and even though I had opportunities where women approached me about having an affair I told them politely that I was not interested and that I'm married and do love my wife and kids enough and that she didn't deserved it!
After we started having marital issues we have re-connected at a level we never had before... We have sex everyday, we chill, she is engaging and fun!! Why she didn't put that same effort before??? I founded the term Hysterical Bonding and it literally describes our relationship! 
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and offering some advice and input...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ReyzakJ said:


> I will ask for her cell phone bill password straight out and if she says no then I will be done with her 'cause she is hiding something!!
> My kids will always be my kids and will try to continue be the best father I could be for them 'till I'm dead.
> I'm really debating to give her a taste of her own medicine and make her jealous to see how it ****ing feel like to be ****ed mentally and emotionally.
> Since I married her I been faithful to the letter and even though I had opportunities where women approached me about having an affair I told them politely that I was not interested and that I'm married and do love my wife and kids enough and that she didn't deserved it!
> ...


I think you are making too much of this and by your actions you are going to sink your marriage.

It looks like the only place she could have time for an affair is at work.

Get a pen var from brickhouse security and put it in her purse, they work great. 

I think she's having sex with you way too much for a cheater. If she is cheating she sure isn't in love with the guy.


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## ReyzakJ (Feb 26, 2014)

Tobyboy, the person to whom she texted does work there in the same office bldg/floor, but I believe they work different departments. 
I'm sure they have plenty of land lines, but they were using Google Hangout to communicate. 

Chaparral, in the past, one of the few arguments/fights we had was, not enough sex for me. (2-3X/week). Now we are having it every day so I don't think she continued the affair, if she did...
And you're right to think and I agree with your comment of an office affair! that is the only place where she would have the time and opportunity. 
There are a lot of red flags that points me to think the worst of her, but have proved nothing. 
Next week, I will make an appointment with a Psychologist and start working on resolving my trust issues. I realized I can't do it by my self...
thanks to all of you for your comments and will update once I start therapy...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

No to intentionally stir up paranoia in the OP, but why would a spouse suddenly show a major uptick in sex? Per the OP at 1/day from M - F, and 2/day on Sat and Sun, I approximate 9 times/wk. If they were at 2 - 3 times a week, that's a 3 to 4 fold increase in sex. All because the OP's spouse simply 1) put her phone down when the OP walks into the room now and 2) accused her of cheating, including finding what looked like semen soaked panties? Note his semen detection kit was crap - it failed to test positive on a known sample. 

Either the OP did not include a lot of background info or the OP's wife is responding disproportionately - as in she's overcompensating for something. Something's not right here.

OP, I wouldn't throw down ultimatums yet, but I think more info is needed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> No to intentionally stir up paranoia in the OP, but why would a spouse suddenly show a major uptick in sex? Per the OP at 1/day from M - F, and 2/day on Sat and Sun, I approximate 9 times/wk. If they were at 2 - 3 times a week, that's a 3 to 4 fold increase in sex. All because the OP's spouse simply 1) put her phone down when the OP walks into the room now and 2) accused her of cheating, including finding what looked like semen soaked panties? Note his semen detection kit was crap - it failed to test positive on a known sample.
> 
> Either the OP did not include a lot of background info or the OP's wife is responding disproportionately - as in she's overcompensating for something. Something's not right here.
> 
> OP, I wouldn't throw down ultimatums yet, but I think more info is needed.



He did see where she was looking on line to see what to do about a husband that thought she was cheating. That's a big red flag burner but doesn't ultimatly prove anything. The extra sex is probably to prove her faithfulness. It does seem to prove she isn't in an affair for love.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

;-) is just a typo, i do it a lot....

; is next to : button and using touch screen doesn't help :-( 

I wouldn't put into that any meanings... 

The other thing is her separate bank account. Did she have any problems with her previous bank account or the bank?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I don't know why a ton women haven't been posting here about the wet spot on the underwear...
> 
> If I am in my fertile phase, my underwear can certainly develop a big wet spot.
> 
> Maybe her actions are weird, but I have to say, a wet spot on female underwear can be a normal occurrence depending on where she is in her cycle!!




:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yes, this is totally normal. I might monitor her for her phone activity but the underwear thing is NORMAL.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> He did see where she was looking on line to see what to do about a husband that thought she was cheating. That's a big red flag burner but doesn't ultimatly prove anything. The extra sex is probably to prove her faithfulness. *It does seem to prove she isn't in an affair for love.*


I can agree with that. But she could still be having an affair that is all about the sex. The OP will have to chime in with what their normal sex life was when the marriage was perceived to be in a solid state. Again, it makes no sense to me that the OP's wife would initiate sex to the tune of 9 times in a week if historically they were only doing it 1-3 times a week or less. Either 1) someone/something caused her sex drive to go thru the roof, 2) she is feeling guilty about something or is doing something wrong and is trying to use sex to either "make up for an unknown transgression" or 3) she is up to something and is using sex to pull the wool over the OP's eyes.

Based on what we know as of now, the OP DID NOT make any significant changes to himself that would change his perception in his wife's eyes. If anything, the accusations of cheating and how he has gone about it would most likely kill her libido. He hasn't pulled a 180, hasn't started reshaping his body or done anything (that we are aware of) to improve himself in any way. Based on that, why all this extra sex now??? To me, it doesn't add up.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Rugs said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Yes, this is totally normal. I might monitor her for her phone activity but the underwear thing is NORMAL.


Yes, I agree. As of now the wet spot is inconclusive. Per the OP, the detection kit he has failed to test positive for his own semen. The test was defective. Not enough info to prove anything at this time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Back to your first post. What was the mans name she was talking to in her sleep? How often did this happen? Is this name totally unknown to you? What was she saying?

I know that sometimes I dream of people that seem to be totally made up but usually dream about people I know..........I think.

Did you check the contact list for numbers with the wrong names?


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