# My former mother-in-law reached out to my father



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I am feeling very distressed. I have not heard from my STBX in months and my former MIL has never met my infant child nor asked about her once...until recently.

When my STBX abandoned my then-newborn child & I, I messaged my MIL to explain what had happened and kindly welcomed her to always have a place in my child's life. She was polite, thanked me but blocked me off WhatsApp the very next day. STBX has never seen our child since nor paid a cent of child support ever. 

A few days before Christmas, she texted my dad to say that she had tried contacting me (sure) and wanted to send my daughter a Xmas present. My dad simply told her not to contact him anymore after being disrespected the way he was and after what her son did, but she was free to contact me. 

She somehow had the nerve to defend her son's actions and said "He is trying his best to provide for her but his job did not work out after a while and has instead chosen to further his studies." I call bullcrap on that one as STBX has not bothered to ask about our daughter and promised (lied) many times to pay child support while he was still working. He hasn't once offered to even pay for diapers or buy baby food (it costs one pound for a bottle!!), nor has he shown any interest in her well-being or tried to even skype-call!!

She then bid farewell to my father and said that my daughter will always be loved and remembered forever in their hearts...wtf??

I am just feeling sooo disrespected and the pain I felt from being abandoned has hit me again. I felt as though I was experiencing an anxiety attack at the mention of their names and how she could dare to justify his despicable actions. How can someone justify child abandonment?!! I was doing okay getting over STBX...now I am hurt all over again. This just triggered the memories of him walking out and the anguish that I felt.

I couldn't resist and sent ex-MIL a lengthy text detailing all the times her son could have been involved in his child's life but chose not to. How he blocked me off everywhere, never bothered to ask about his child, and how he deleted her photos off Instagram (who does that?). I told her that the lines of communication have and will always be open for all of them, but nobody has taken any initiative to get involved. And how it is easy to just say she is loved but ultimately, actions speak louder than words. 

My text was polite but I still put my point across...and guess what, no reply. I feel so defeated. I know I shouldn't care. But I can't help but feel so miserable over this. 

Am I overreacting? Was her gesture one that was genuine? Maybe she was trying to be nice... maybe they do have love for my child. I can't tell anymore, I am so confused and in a bad place overall. I just wanted so badly to have the perfect family and for my daughter to be loved by everyone... they are seriously messing with my head. I just want what's best for her. I don't know what would be in her best interests at this point.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The other family appears to a bunch of near-do-wells. I would consider this last communication with MIL the absolute last. Her son appears to do no wrong. Here you are taking care of his child on your own.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can put lipstick on a pig but it will never win a beauty contest.

She doesn't care about your baby - she just wants to look like she does. Guess who your husband got his irresponsibility from?

What would be in your child's best interest is to not expose her to inauthentic people - they're toxic. Don't let toxic sludge mess with your head.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> The other family appears to a bunch of near-do-wells. I would consider this last communication with MIL the absolute last. Her son appears to do no wrong. Here you are taking care of his child on your own.


Thank you for the reply, I was second-guessing my feelings as I like to see the good in people and tend to take responsibility for all the bad things that do happen in life. 

It would have been a lot easier for them to just disappear so that my daughter and I can move on without pain or complications in the future...but I have a feeling that either her father or his other family members will find an opportunity to weasle their way back into her life, even if half-heartedly or superficially like perhaps sending her a birthday present. 

Would it be wrong for me to ignore their future attempts at reaching out? What if my daughter grows up thinking that I stood in the way and prevented her from having any sort of relationship with the paternal side of the family... while I think they aren't good people and wouldn't be a positive influence on her life, I also feel as though it'd be morally unjust to deny them from being a part of her life.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> You can put lipstick on a pig but it will never win a beauty contest.
> 
> She doesn't care about your baby - she just wants to look like she does. Guess who your husband got his irresponsibility from?
> 
> What would be in your child's best interest is to not expose her to inauthentic people - they're toxic. Don't let toxic sludge mess with your head.


Lol quote of 2018. I am literally writing that down in my notepad. 

My father said the same thing, that she is simply pretending to care...sigh I find it hard to believe that people - fathers and grandparents - could not have any feeling towards their own family, moreover an adorable innocent baby. 

Deep down, I wish and hope for her father to change one day and realise his mistakes though it seems like a far stretch. Why can't the world just live in peace, in spite of our difference? What more, families! All I want is for her to be adored and loved like she deserves, from both sides of her family. But hey, can't always get what you want in life...I am simply too naive and unstable. Thanks for the reality check, though.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you for the reply, I was second-guessing my feelings as I like to see the good in people and tend to take responsibility for all the bad things that do happen in life.
> 
> It would have been a lot easier for them to just disappear so that my daughter and I can move on without pain or complications in the future...but I have a feeling that either her father or his other family members will find an opportunity to weasle their way back into her life, even if half-heartedly or superficially like perhaps sending her a birthday present.
> *
> Would it be wrong for me to ignore their future attempts at reaching out?* What if my daughter grows up thinking that I stood in the way and prevented her from having any sort of relationship with the paternal side of the family... while I think they aren't good people and wouldn't be a positive influence on her life, I also feel as though it'd be morally unjust to deny them from being a part of her life.


No it would not be wrong at this point. She is young and she will be spared their callous behavior and down right selfish actions. No... I would not allow any further contact what so ever from the grandmother. You can answer her next contact and follow that with a written explanation why she will no longer have further contact with your child. 

This is obviously a learned family trait, save your child the possibility of learning the trait.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Louis McCann


> Thank you for the reply, I was second-guessing my feelings as I like to see the good in people and tend to take responsibility for all the bad things that do happen in life.


I try to see the good in people but I often find a majority will let me down. Many are selfish. As I grow older I trust less and less.



> It would have been a lot easier for them to just disappear so that my daughter and I can move on without pain or complications in the future...but I have a feeling that either her father or his other family members will find an opportunity to weasle their way back into her life, even if half-heartedly or superficially like perhaps sending her a birthday present.


Agreed. These folks appear to be leeches for lack of a better word. Next they will want to move into your home and hold the couch down with their arse. Cut contact for good. You will sleep better at night. 



> Would it be wrong for me to ignore their future attempts at reaching out? What if my daughter grows up thinking that I stood in the way and prevented her from having any sort of relationship with the paternal side of the family... while I think they aren't good people and wouldn't be a positive influence on her life, I also feel as though it'd be morally unjust to deny them from being a part of her life.


No it is not wrong. They have shown their true colors. Find good caring people to have around your child.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> This is obviously a learned family trait, save your child the possibility of learning the trait.


Children are truly a product of their environment. You create the environment you want your child to grow and learn.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My exH fathered a child in his teens. Late teens, so he could have worked a McJob and paid support. He didn't. And Mommy said that was ok because it wasn't his kid. Except it was, proven by DNA testing through the courts, and she knew that. When you point out there was a DNA test proving paternity, she tells you either A) it was rigged or B) he did his best. Both are completely untrue.

ExH had a 2nd child, never proven by DNA because he refused to show for the test and was named father by default. Mommy excused that one, too.

ExH had two kids with me. I left him due to him being an unmitigated POS. He's never paid support and he made the choice to live out of state a few months after the divorce, so he never saw them, either. According to him and Mommy, that's all my fault. Somehow.

ExH got remarried and had 2 more kids he doesn't support. His Mommy pays all the bills. Cuz...reasons, I suppose. He and his new wife as such piss poor parents the kids were removed from the home, placed into fostercare for over 2 years, and he was convicted..not just charged, but convicted in a court of law...for felony child neglect. So was his wife. Again, according to Mommy, not his fault.

I made the mistake of thinking I was obligated to let my girls paternal family be involved, so I facilitated a relationship between them and exMIL. She spent years undermining me, outright lying about me, and literally encouraging my kids to lie to me. If I could go back, I'd have left the whole lot of them out of my girls lives and the girls would have been better for it. There was serious damage done that wouldn't have been done had I just simply walked away with my kids and broke contact.

I learned that A) apples do NOT fall far from trees and B) some grandparents are toxic and should be kept away from children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

None of their family seem to be interested in having contact with your daughter which is appalling, despite the effort you have taken to include them. The best thing I think is to accept that they are toxic and move on. Hopefully your family are involved and will love and support you both. 
I do think you need to get some legal advise about how you can make sure this useless dad is made to give you some money for your daughter. Even if he is studying he can work as well, many people do.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

So sorry this happened to you. When your STBX abandoned you and your child he gave up on any relationship with your child. You were gracious in letting your MIL have a relationship with your child but it her loyalty is with her son. I do not think your child will blame you if you make a decision to cut off your MIL. Your STBX forced that hand.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t expect **** to smell good.

Cut them off and file got child support. Immediately whether he’s working or not.

You have a dead beat dad and a very stupid enabling mother.

I tell her to stick that present up her ass


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