# Compulsive liar, personality disorder or both?



## KnightMaster (May 18, 2011)

My wife cheated with a co worker. Thousands of texts per month were exchanged. After I found out she claimed they were just friends. She responded by telling me she did not want to be with me and had been planning to leave me for over a year. She refused to unlock her phone or pc.

What followed was months of threatening to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing; lying to her friends and family that I was a controlling, paranoid, neurotic weak man, I begged her for months to tell me she had met him as I had phone records indicating so. 2 months and 60 nights of fighting and talking, she finally admitted that yes they had met on the night in question. During that night they texted and called each other dozens of times. There were 3 unexplained hours that he did not text her, she did not text him, did not answer my texts or answer the calls or texts from the girlfriend that she supposedly was with. After the three hours they started calling and texting each other until she arrived home at 4:20 am. During those 3 hours of unexplained phone inactivity she claimed they met for 30 minutes, had one drink and then he left to attend a party. The week following their rendezvous they exchanged over 200 texts per day, starting the very next morning at 9am-sometimes until 3am-including more photos.

I asked her why she did not tell me. She claimed she feared I would leave her. I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. I assured her I would not leave her. She lied again and said “no. that’s it they were just friends” She promised me she would never text a single man or hide any conversations from me. She unlocked her phone and pc. Then, I found out through looking through her phone Facebook account that she invited him to text or email her again, days after our talk.

For the next 3 months there were more threats to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing suggestions of separation, etc…

I finally bluffed her and told her that I had a forensic specialist check out her phone, I asked her, “Is there anything else I should know?” She admitted to kissing him the night they met, inappropriate texting, sending him inappropriate semi nude photos, and telling him she would find a way to be with him while I watched our children. She still cannot explain the missing 3 hours and will not admit she spent them with him. 

I started to ask her questions again, I explained if she lied about anything again, I would be done. The 1st night was hard. The next day she was in an auto accident. 3 buldging discs and 1 herniated disk. I stopped questioning her. She started seeing a DC (Chiropractor) on the advice of a friend. I found out the DC was a swinger and had invited her over one night when she was out with the girls. I asked her if she was comfortable seeing him. She said no, and she was going to ask another Dr in the clinic to treat her. She didn’t. I became angry. Demanded her to stop. After 2 months of that, I asked her to stop seeing him or I would be done. I made her an appt with an orthopedic surgeon. She stopped seeing the DC.

When I asked her in counseling what it was she got from him she claimed, “He cared about me and asked me how my day was.” After months of talking (mostly me speaking to pure logic) she finally admitted that he did not really care and only pretended to, for the purpose of having sex with her at some point. I had asked for months that she write/text him a “no contact” letter. After refusing for 6 months, she finally sent it. In the letter she spoke of her poor decisions, how much she hurt me and our family, how she loved me and how she would spend the rest of her life trying to regain her integrity and make it up to me and our children.

She has not apologized to me. She claims she has. I suggested writing me a letter so as to not keep having this argument over whether or not she has apologized. She has not written me anything concerning her actions.

She claims this all happened because I neglected her emotionally and physically. She has also admitted it is she who cannot show emotion, talk about her feelings, and initiate sex or intimacy.
Recently she hugged me and said “I’m sorry, I was so selfish. I love you dearly and I will do anything to prove it.”

I have become much more dominant in our relationship. She has admitted she is a natural submissive and is a masochist. She admits she was out of control and needs me to “keep her in line.” She has also told me she has a childhood filled with physical and sexual abuse starting from a very early age. 

I will say NOW she does whatever-and I mean WHATEVER-I want her to do…except admit the physical part of her affair. She rarely acts out now. Before she was out of control-raging, combative, pessimistic, etc. She still seems to always assume the worst. Ex: I say “thank you” and she hears “f**k you.” When I get her to calm down she acts as if nothing happened. I have asked her to keep a journal. She says she does not have time.

Our couple’s therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily. I want her to be tested and diagnosed if she has BPD or some other disorder in order for her peace of mind and for me to find out how to deal with her. If she is simply a horrible person then I want to make arrangements to leave her.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Shes the only woman in the world for you. Please do whatever it takes to keep her. The rest of the men on earth dont need or want her on the market. Thank you for your sacrifice

That entire post combined with the title can be translated as follows: 

Rattlesnake, Copperhead, or Bushmaster?

I was bitten by a snake I kept as a pet over a year ago. I continued to nurture and feed it, but It continued to bite me and I never figured out why. It never attacks others, only me, the one person who would put up with it and continue to feed it and care for it. Im going to keep this snake in my life, because although its overwhelmingly likely that it will kill me, there is that .000000000000000000000000% chance it may end up turning docile and being nice to me in the future.

Ronin


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I agree with Ronin


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You may have started acting the dominant, but who is really the masochist here?

She does "WHATEVER" you want... except tell you the truth, not overreact assume the worst, and keep a journal -- ie, things important to YOU.

IF she is diagnosed with a disorder, you will leave her -- but not for cheating and lying to you continuously for years and then not even apologizing for it to your satisfaction?

You're never going to leave her; you've threatened to do so for years, drawn lines that supposedly could not be crossed, and then when she crossed them, re-drew those lines to a different place.

And any therapsist that suggests there should be no 'pressure' to talk openly, nor closes the door to a diagnosis sounds to me like someone seeing a continual cash flow opportunity that they do not want to ruin...


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