# Saturday only, please.



## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

I've already posted about this and I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I'm just sitting here annoyed and honestly I just have nobody to vent to. It's 12am. Personally, I'd rather vent to a bunch of strangers and make a joke or two about it. H and I discussed this yesterday and although he doesn't know that this site even exists or that I sometimes spend hours on it, during our discussion I remembered that I had written here about a year ago. I'm ashamed because there were so many people that took the time out of their day to offer helpful advice and answers regarding low T on my post. Well, he never even got back to his GP to start the actual process. Work got out of hand (he's a mortician and they were understaffed), then covid hit, time passed, we were both working gross amounts of overtime for months and remodeling our home at the same time, he became comfortable with the situation and here we are again. Excuses... but that is what happened. Things have finally settled down now.

We literally have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I know that's great for some folks but it doesn't work with me, especially if something happens and we end up skipping it for whatever reason. I want it every other day, sometimes everyday. I don't even think he thinks about it everyday. No, just on Saturday mornings at about 9am and that's it, yay. He will give it up once a week just to pacify me. Everything else in our life is great. Most of the time I can't imagine my life without him. He takes such great care of us and we have come such a long way and I'd hate to throw this marriage out over one problem but one thing leads to many, over time. And to be honest, our kids are now both in high school. We only have a few years left with them and I know I'm not going to handle empty nesting very well for a bit. If he doesn't take advantage of us having 100% privacy at that point then I'm probably out. 

I read similar stories on here (mostly from men) and I feel for them. As a woman, this has put a giant damper on my sexual confidence. I feel wanted by him in every other way, except sexually and I feel gross. Like, really gross. I can undress in front of him and it doesn't phase him; he doesn't say a word, excluding Saturday mornings because everything has to be perfect...he can't be rushed, we can't have spontaneous quickies. We have the best sex too, which makes it even worse. I orgasm during sex with him with no extra help needed and we go at the same time. Out of all of the sexual partners I've had, he's the only one I've been with, with that kind of chemistry. I feel like sex with someone else would never be that great.

Anyway, he actually went to one of those male treatment places today and had a very long consultation and had a blood panel done. He goes back next week for the results. He asked me to go with him but I politely rejected his invite and spent this time reading reviews on vibrators from Adam and Eve and decided to take matters into my own hands and made a purchase. They have become rather fancy since the last time I bought one, over a decade ago. I hope he follows through with this treatment, if that's even the problem. He came home pretty animated with about an hours worth of information. I didn't tell him about my purchase though and I'm not going to. I don't feel like being open about it. I want it to be a private thing that I do and maybe I won't need him sexually anymore, like he doesn't need me. My attraction to him sometimes fades temporarily, when this peaks. I think that's pretty natural.

I'm going to regret saying this and I know this is mean and I probably won't feel this way in the morning. But at this very moment I'm pissed and feeling very resentful. I almost hope this treatment is the answer and that one day, just ONE day he has the same amount of sexual desire that I feel and I want him to feel the rejection I have felt for years. Just for a day or a week or a month. Damn. He usually rubs my back at night to put me to sleep. I asked him not to touch me tonight since it doesn't do anything for him. And don't cuddle with me in the morning either since it just leads me on and then leaves me wanting sex. Just don't touch me anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent and ramble like an idiot👌


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I feel your pain and you aren't an idiot.

Sexual frustration causes severe mental, emotional and even physical effects that aren't to be taken lightly.

I hope you can make him understand the seriousness of this situation. He needs to step up if he is healthy enough.

Mrs. Conan and I had a bump in the road several years ago and I told her in no uncertain terms that I would be having sex with her or with someone else if she wasn't willing.

She stopped playing games and we haven't had problems with willingness since.

She is 61 now and has a few health problems that get in the way. I don't hold it against her but I go a little crazy inside as a result.

Just letting you know you aren't alone and if your husband is healthy, he has no excuse. Be straight with him and give him no wiggle room.

Unless he has physical limitations, he should be pounding you as much as opportunity allows.

Older folks appreciate opportunities because they don't last forever.

He shouldn't neglect you and needs to understand that he is failing in a very important part of your marriage.

Hoping for the best.

I'm almost 50 and take care of myself two or three times a day and I'm familiar with the feelings you describe.

I feel like I'm going nuts sometimes but it isn't my wife's fault so I endure.

If she was choosing to deny me we would be through.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

These days, after having being through this unbelievable pain myself, I always suggest to divorce as quickly as you can. It will change the person you are. It will destroy you. You only live once and you deserve to be happy or at least not to be suffering all the time. Sorry I'm not saying what you want to hear. But, in my opinion, positive outcomes are very rare. Good luck!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

That is super specific of him. It does seem like he went to see someone though so hopefully that will help? At least he cares enough about you to go get help (eventually)

When I was married XH never wanted sex so I know your pain. When I had a 4 year relationship after divorce there were more complications but eventually they became excuses (the kids are home, I'm not clean, but then refuse to take a shower etc.) So believe me I do get that it is extremely hurtful and makes you feel less than as a woman.

But if you look at the sum of your marriage - you say the sex when you have it is great. He takes great care of you. And despite some false starts, he did actually do what you asked and go get help when you asked him to. Refusal to do that has been the end of a lot of marriages on TAM that I've read about (among other problems). 

Does he know how you feel, and does he say that it is just to pacify you? He may be giving all he can give, I don't know him at all. Do you think marriage counseling might help? It seems like you're keeping a lot from each other, but despite the gap in desire he is trying to seek help, which is more than a lot of spouses are willing to do.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> I almost hope this treatment is the answer and that one day, just ONE day he has the same amount of sexual desire that I feel and I want him to feel the rejection I have felt for years. Just for a day or a week or a month.


I was with you on how good your relationship is outside the bedroom until this quote. I know you’re expressing a feeling here and you can’t control it but you seem to be already moving past the stage where it is just the bedroom.

I think as you suggest it must be harder to be the sexual pursuer as a woman due to society’s expectations.

Since your husband is trying HRT he is now trying to improve things. While he’s doing that ideally you back off and give him space to see if there really is a medical issue. That is, of course, if you actually want him to get better. If not...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I'm sorry for your frustration....

Testosterone therapy isn't magic...It won't turn a dud into a stud....It can even result in him having more drive for other women....and still none for you...

Sexual incompatibility or desertion is a tricky thing and not easily remedied...IME, when that ship sails,it typically doesn't ever come back...Or perhaps what you may be left with is just a little more "gun to the head" type of duty sex, just to get you off his back...Add to that a lot of guys don't see the mother of their kids as "sexy" anymore.._."Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love." _

While I hear a lot of it on this site and sometimes IRL, I don't espouse to pressuring anyone in this area or giving any ultimatums....Because at that point, it defeats the purpose of sex in the first place(as something that is looked forward to eagerly by both parties) and you really never know then if the person is truly into it, or is just doing it out of pity, fear, whatever....Again...not anything I would ever want....I've known a fair amount of guys over the years that rather than pester their wives for sex that they don't want anyway, just go out and get what they need on the side and continue with their lives, because all other aspects are good and they don't want to blow it all up...I'm not suggesting that is what you should do, but that's how some have chosen to deal with it...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I honestly think that now he has been for help and advise you wait a while and see how the situation can be improved by medical help. It seems though that you want to punish him and if he does start feeling more desire you will reject him to show him how you have felt. Honestly that is NOT going to help. If things do improve, then how about you be thankful and enjoy it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you do issue an ultimatum it is a good way to see if he actually cares about you enough to try. I still haven’t posted my story yet (writing it out in long form now) but my wife had the traditional excuse list:

Not a priority
I never think about it
My X hurts
I have a headache
I’m tired
I’m too hot
I’m too cold 
Not now I have to do X later

If I have sex now it will wake me up and I need to go to bed (got this one a couple days ago except was clearly not BS so I asked if jerking me off would wake her up and she said no it wouldn’t; about 30% of the time she’ll get inspired during the act). Incidentally she was sleeping 30 mins after me so win-win.

An ultimatum you intend to carry out cuts through the BS pretty quick if your SO actually wants to be with you. With that said your husband is trying already and you need to give it time to work.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Maybe this is irrelevant, but I am in HRT treatment though likely much older (72) than the OP's husband. I was finding that sometimes ED meds seemed to have no effect. Seeing, holding, kissing my wife ALWAYS lights a fire in my head, but sometimes it wouldn't produce the desired result. Sometimes neither manual of oral stimulation would produce results either. But, my wife KNOWS she excites me and has always been understanding. Throughout our LIFETIME together we have always known we loved one another in SICKNESS and in HEALTH. 

I personally embarked on a quest to get the problem dealt with and after several successive tests showed free T fluctuating and a doctor who agreed to treat me. Being a prostate cancer survivor this wasn't easy. 

Our routine has always been at least daily one and my problems never extended more than one session. I can certainly appreciate that a weekly "schedule" would grate, we have never been "schedule" people. But, I can say personally that these issues take a toll on a man as well as his wife. He maybe isn't talking about it but it is killing him inside.

I hope the OP hasn't "given up" on the relationship, as sounds maybe the husband is beginning to work on the problem.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Sexual frustration causes severe mental, emotional and even physical effects that aren't to be taken lightly.


I agree with everything you said and I'm sorry that you or anyone else here has experienced this pain, but I'm so happy that you and the Mrs were able to defeat it!

Sometimes I take a step back and look around me and think about the sh*tty relationships that some of my friends are in, or the piece of sh*t my mom left my dad for 20 years ago when she calls to vent (we are very close like sisters) and I almost feel lucky and that my problem is petty, comparatively. Well, it's not. It's mental abuse and it changes a person in many ways. This man has p*ssy on tap, whenever he wants it and he doesn't know how lucky he is. Not a lot of women have the drive that I do and it should be appreciated, not silenced. But, I have told him and he knows at this point that there is a chance in the future that it won't be him enjoying this gift. I will absolutely give it to someone else that appreciates it if he keeps letting this happen. I told him this during our discussion the day before yesterday. I told him that this is it and if this continues I will reserve myself for someone who makes me feel sexy and attractive someday. This problem will ultimately lead to divorce.

Towards the end of our chat he proceeded to tell me that he noticed a male specialist place across the street from my mom's office and pulled out his phone and made an appointment with them. He is 100% convinced that he suffers from low T and has always said that the issue isn't me, it's all him. I will give him credit; he has all the signs. He is mostly healthy. He's almost 40 but has no energy, except for work. He will do anything for that damn place, but no energy off the clock at home. I feel like after his consultation yesterday that he is taking this seriously and that if he does suffer from low T, that this is something he might follow through with. I feel a little more hopeful than last time he tried to get help. He felt very comfortable at this office and explained to me how he has to continue this for life and it's not something he can put on the back burner once treatment starts. He "wants to feel how he used to feel." I feel hopeful but at the same time, right now we don't know if that's the issue. It sounds right, but it hasn't been confirmed just yet. I also don't know if this will be set aside down the road when he gets busy at work. His presentation was tempting but I let him know that I'm not entirely sold right now. I cannot let myself be that foolish. I think if his results come back on Wednesday and he doesn't suffer from Low T, or something else that all bets will be off the table for me. And I mean that. If there is nothing physically wrong with him and my sexual fulfillment and emotional state has been neglected all this time for no medical reason...well, I know I won't be able to recoup from a blow that hard and this relationship, no matter how great it is, will not last. Maybe some couples could work through that, but I know me and there's no way I could accept that this happened to me for no reason, not even with marriage counseling.

On a side note, life is kind of funny. 20 years ago my mom was going through a deep depression. She was about the age I am now. Not only did we live in kind of a desolate place in Wyoming but my dad also did the same thing to her but 10x worse. He was a good man (died 10 years ago) but he was not a good husband and he admitted this to me as an adult. She ended up playing around online, met a man, packed up and left us for Tennessee. I didn't at the time (I was a teenager and did whatever I wanted after she left) but through the years of raising my children and watching them go through milestones I have questioned how the hell she could do that. Although I would never leave my children, I understand it now. I feel for her. I followed her a few years after she left and we have been two peas in a pod ever since. She still feels extreme guilt for leaving but I remind her that I don't feel any resentment over that and that I'm thankful that we got out of Wyoming. Funny how that works. I can't believe my mom felt this kind of pain and had nobody to talk to.
(Sorry about the edits here. I couldn't get this reply to work correctly).


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Our routine has always been at least daily one and my problems never extended more than one session. I can certainly appreciate that a weekly "schedule" would grate, we have never been "schedule" people. But, I can say personally that these issues take a toll on a man as well as his wife. He maybe isn't talking about it but it is killing him inside.
> 
> I hope the OP hasn't "given up" on the relationship, as sounds maybe the husband is beginning to work on the problem.


I know this is killing him inside, you've got that right. He told me that he knows there is an issue and that he wants to feel like himself again. He also told me that it's been a struggle for him to admit that he has a problem.. but he's finally taken the step to admitting that it's there. Whatever it is, there is a problem. We will find out on Wednesday morning if this is the problem. I haven't given up on him yet, but the window is open if this continues.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sorry, can't help but feeling it's all BS. I guess you'll find out soon.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> sorry, can't help but feeling it's all BS. I guess you'll find out soon.


I know. I would feel this way too if I were reading this post from a stranger. I'm leaning towards the side that it's not BS, just because I'm living through it. I have seen the changes in him over the years. It wasn't always like this. At this very moment in time I almost feel like I was catfished because we had hobbies in common that he no longer takes part in without me asking. And I don't know if it's the job, but his focus has really took a dive. He is in a fog now. He doesn't even sit down and read books like he used to. 

He is trying and that's why he's still here. For example, after things in our life settled down a bit ago I gave him an ultimatum. Our kids are about grown now, so we have more freedom and he could either put in the effort and start dating me once a week, or he could think about leaving because I will absolutely not be in a marriage and feel lonely. I think it's extremely important that married couples take at least one day a week, set everything aside and spend time with eachother outside of the home. It doesn't have to cost a dime. He agreed and so far he has not broken this pattern. He's done well and actually seems to look forward to it every weekend. 

I can't give up on him this easy and throw him away. Every other aspect of our relationship is great and we are a team who is finally accomplishing big things. We even plan on me eventually leaving my career and working together in the funeral business and I'm currently looking into mortuary school. Behind closed doors, he is the most gentle man I have ever known. But I'm not stupid. If this is all bullsh*t, (and it very well could be), then I will eventually give all of this up. I will not live like this for the rest of my life. I just have to give it a little more time.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

.


Rlc307 said:


> I think if his results come back on Wednesday and he doesn't suffer from Low T, or something else that all bets will be off the table for me.


Just some info, I had three tests by two different specialists indicating my T was "normal". My GP told me that total was "appropriate for someone my age" and nothing to be done. My libido went from being ready any time to not working at all. One session to the next. I KNEW had a MAJOR problem and finally got a test confirm low, so treatment started. At best, the treatment will take some time to dial in. The free T fluctuates over time, sometimes low sometimes high. This is going to take some time, which sounds like you don't have.

So, it sounds like you are already done, in that if things don't break the right way you are going out the exit. Maybe it is already over, because at best the pressure to perform at a high frequency with 100% success isn't going to help the man at all, and doubt he can meet you requirements. Guess he should have been working on this from day one. Sad for your situation, hope somehow somewhere you find happiness.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> . *This man has p*ssy on tap, whenever he wants it and he doesn't know how lucky he is.* Not a lot of women have the drive that I do and it should be appreciated, not silenced. But, I have told him and he knows at this point that there is a chance in the future that it won't be him enjoying this gift.


This is a common fallacy among women....That if there is an available woman in the house, that there is something "wrong" with him for not taking it...I'm actually surprised you haven't accused him of being gay...You hear that a lot as well...

Despite what many women may believe, guys are not automatons or machines when it comes to this topic....Some maybe, but many aren't.....In the same ways women can lose the urge to have sex with guys, so do men with women....It could be a whole variety of reasons, but the point is don't just think it's some kind of great privilege...It may be for a willing man, but for whatever reason isn't a priority for him...He obviously isn't seeing it the same way you do...

That doesn't dismiss your feelings and desires, just that it's probably helpful not to frame it in the context that you did...It just clouds the process of determining the issue and if there is a way to fix it..


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Even if he "recovers", it will never be like you want it, OP. I guess you can wait for menopause and empty-nest syndrome to sort your libido out, especially if topped up by some anti-depressants. Sorry, if this is harsh, but this might well be your future.



Rlc307 said:


> I know. I would feel this way too if I were reading this post from a stranger. I'm leaning towards the side that it's not BS


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One other thing reading replies is that it’s clearly not just the bedroom where there are issues. Bringing up the lack of dating and his focus on his job suggests he has more problems than just frequency of sex.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> .
> 
> Just some info, I had three tests by two different specialists indicating my T was "normal". My GP told me that total was "appropriate for someone my age" and nothing to be done. My libido went from being ready any time to not working at all. One session to the next. I KNEW had a MAJOR problem and finally got a test confirm low, so treatment started. At best, the treatment will take some time to dial in. The free T fluctuates over time, sometimes low sometimes high. This is going to take some time, which sounds like you don't have.
> 
> So, it sounds like you are already done, in that if things don't break the right way you are going out the exit. Maybe it is already over, because at best the pressure to perform at a high frequency with 100% success isn't going to help the man at all, and doubt he can meet you requirements. Guess he should have been working on this from day one. Sad for your situation, hope somehow somewhere you find happiness.


No, I'm not over just yet and I'm not ready to be done. I was just upset when I started this discussion and I am hurting and have been for awhile. I haven't moved on, per say. I am just coming to the realization that I cannot live like this for the rest of my life and that it's not fair to me to do so. It's not fair for him either. I have reached a point where I can no longer try to bury this problem any longer.
I do understand that if he does have a testosterone issue or any other medical or mental issue that it won't be fixed overnight. I know I will have to be patient for a while longer. We will both have to put effort in. But my kids will be off to college in three years. I won't have the job of being a mom full-time any longer to distract me from this. If this problem isn't solved by then things are going to get pretty grim in this marriage and divorce will more than likely come next. We all have one life to live and I'm going to have a lot of free time soon.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> One other thing reading replies is that it’s clearly not just the bedroom where there are issues. Bringing up the lack of dating and his focus on his job suggests he has more problems than just frequency of sex.


The OP says that every other aspect of the relationship is great and I believe her. Every relationship has its little niggles, but unilateral withholding of sex is soul crushing and not something you can ignore or dismiss. It changes you as a person.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One other thought, you had the HRT discussion a couple days ago OP. 

If the husband’s idea is to wait out the HRT and see what happens rather than, “She said if I don’t figure this out and pick my game up she will leave. I better hit it!” Either you didn’t make yourself clear enough in your feelings of how serious this is or I think you may be right to be skeptical.

Two days pass without him trying to seal the deal seems like he’s still not getting it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> ...unilateral withholding of sex is soul crushing and not something you can ignore or dismiss.


Oh I agree and I would still divorce over it if my wife backslides. I am just saying that when you look carefully you may find other issues that are also problems and they add to the overall situation.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> One other thing reading replies is that it’s clearly not just the bedroom where there are issues. Bringing up the lack of dating and his focus on his job suggests he has more problems than just frequency of sex.


Correct. I should explain this one a little better though. I'm going to say that maybe a year and a half to two years ago (just basing this on memory) that he really dove into this mortician thing and they were severely understaffed at work. Not only was he working a regular schedule at the office during the day, but he also took care of the after hours phone line 7 days a week. Not only did his phone ring at all hours of the night, but he has also been going to school (will be fully licensed in May) and was available at any moment for work runs. It was absolutely crazy and I don't even know how he did all of that. He also spent his entire summer helping build a crematory at the office. Now, things have chilled out. They finally have reliable staff on hand and he's no longer running phones after hours. He doesn't have to walk away from dinner every night to speak to a family. Since he no longer has to be available for work like he was, we are dating again and he has done good with it. That could always change but to be honest I can handle that better than the lack of sex. He tries to include me in work when he can and we have a fun time with it.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> One other thought, you had the HRT discussion a couple days ago OP.
> 
> If the husband’s idea is to wait out the HRT and see what happens rather than, “She said if I don’t figure this out and pick my game up she will leave. I better hit it!” Either you didn’t make yourself clear enough in your feelings of how serious this is or I think you may be right to be skeptical.
> 
> Two days pass without him trying to seal the deal seems like he’s still not getting it.


Well....to be fair, in the start of my discussion I did say that I did tell him not to touch me, and I meant it 😂


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

hamadryad said:


> This is a common fallacy among women....That if there is an available woman in the house, that there is something "wrong" with him for not taking it...I'm actually surprised you haven't accused him of being gay...You hear that a lot as well...
> 
> Despite what many women may believe, guys are not automatons or machines when it comes to this topic....Some maybe, but many aren't.....In the same ways women can lose the urge to have sex with guys, so do men with women....It could be a whole variety of reasons, but the point is don't just think it's some kind of great privilege...It may be for a willing man, but for whatever reason isn't a priority for him...He obviously isn't seeing it the same way you do...
> 
> That doesn't dismiss your feelings and desires, just that it's probably helpful not to frame it in the context that you did...It just clouds the process of determining the issue and if there is a way to fix it..


This is really good advice and I appreciate it. I guess I was feeling a little cocky when I made that statement....even though I'm the one feeling rejected.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I honestly think that now he has been for help and advise you wait a while and see how the situation can be improved by medical help. It seems though that you want to punish him and if he does start feeling more desire you will reject him to show him how you have felt. Honestly that is NOT going to help. If things do improve, then how about you be thankful and enjoy it.


I know. I know this isn't the right thing to do but I'm just hurt and feeling resentful at this moment and I was last night when I wrote this thread. I am very happy outside of this problem and want things to improve. Sometimes I just want him to feel the pain that I have felt because right now the problem isn't solved and I continue to feel this. Will I actually reject him if things improve? No, probably not. I mean to be honest if he came and made a move right now I'd give in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rlc307 said:


> I know. I know this isn't the right thing to do but I'm just hurt and feeling resentful at this moment and I was last night when I wrote this thread. I am very happy outside of this problem and want things to improve. Sometimes I just want him to feel the pain that I have felt because right now the problem isn't solved and I continue to feel this. Will I actually reject him if things improve? No, probably not. I mean to be honest if he came and made a move right now I'd give in.


I really hope that things work out for you because he sounds like a good and decent hardworking man apart from this one issue. I know that some here, mainly men, will say 'divorce divorce divorce' to anyone who thinks they are not getting enough sex, and will even threaten their wives if they are not getting what they want,(I would NEVER be with a man who threatened me with divorce or anything else), but I am not one of them and I would never end an otherwise good marriage to a good person for this. I would not risk loosing my lovely husband for anything.
Think positive, he is now doing something and maybe his tests results will show that something can be done. In the mean time could you compromise to say twice a week? Also you will have the vibrator.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> The OP says that every other aspect of the relationship is great and I believe her. Every relationship has its little niggles, but unilateral withholding of sex is soul crushing and not something you can ignore or dismiss. It changes you as a person.


This!!! This sums everything up to a tee. I have no other complaints but this. And it IS soul-crushing. I can't ignore it anymore.
Reading these replies kind of has me feeling like this will never be solved though. I'm very sad. I imagine our future being so fun when we have more time for eachother and it's just heart crushing to think that it might not be that way. I want to keep an open mind and have patience. But who knows..


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

When I initially confronted my wife about this I feel like I became clinically depressed. It’s hard to decide to move on after 20+ years but that was the point I was at and will be at again if we don’t maintain intimacy at a level I can live with.

It took me almost two months after having what I would consider regular sex again before my brain chemicals returned to normal and I didn’t consider a day she didn’t come to bed as a backslide.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I really hope that things work out for you because he sounds like a good and decent hardworking man apart from this one issue. I know that some here, mainly men, will say divorce divorce divorce to anyone who thinks they are not getting enough sex, and even threaten their wives if they are not getting what they want(I would NEVER be with a man who threatened me with anything), but I am not one of them and I would never end an otherwise good marriage to a good person for this. I would not risk loosing my lovely husband for anything.
> Think positive, he is now doing something and maybe his tests results will show that something can be done. In the mean time could you compromise to say twice a week? Also you will have the vibrator.


I could certainly compromise to having sex twice a week. He's not always unwilling to have sex. He only makes the move once a week and that just happens to be on the weekends because everything has to be perfect and laid back in life for him to have the desire.

I can take care of my own release but I don't feel good about it just because we have something special. I don't want to ruin it. But I paid $100 for this thing and I'm going to use it.

For me it's more about the fact that 6 days out of the week I don't feel sexually wanted. I am loved and emotionally needed on those days, but I am not needed sexually. I'm teetering on two sides of a fence. I could sit on this and act like things are fine and not make a move and see what happens. Or, ask for sex twice a week at minimum. The bottom line is that I feel unwanted because I have to ask.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rlc307 said:


> I could certainly compromise to having sex twice a week. He's not always unwilling to have sex. He only makes the move once a week and that just happens to be on the weekends because everything has to be perfect and laid back in life for him to have the desire.
> 
> I can take care of my own release but I don't feel good about it just because we have something special. I don't want to ruin it. But I paid $100 for this thing and I'm going to use it.
> 
> For me it's more about the fact that 6 days out of the week I don't feel sexually wanted. I am loved and emotionally needed on those days, but I am not needed sexually. I'm teetering on two sides of a fence. I could sit on this and act like things are fine and not make a move and see what happens. Or, ask for sex twice a week at minimum. The bottom line is that I feel unwanted because I have to ask.


I think even with a good sex life many people do have to ask.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rlc307 said:


> I've already posted about this and I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I'm just sitting here annoyed and honestly I just have nobody to vent to. It's 12am. Personally, I'd rather vent to a bunch of strangers and make a joke or two about it. H and I discussed this yesterday and although he doesn't know that this site even exists or that I sometimes spend hours on it, during our discussion I remembered that I had written here about a year ago. I'm ashamed because there were so many people that took the time out of their day to offer helpful advice and answers regarding low T on my post. Well, he never even got back to his GP to start the actual process. Work got out of hand (he's a mortician and they were understaffed), then covid hit, time passed, we were both working gross amounts of overtime for months and remodeling our home at the same time, he became comfortable with the situation and here we are again. Excuses... but that is what happened. Things have finally settled down now.
> 
> We literally have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I know that's great for some folks but it doesn't work with me, especially if something happens and we end up skipping it for whatever reason. I want it every other day, sometimes everyday. I don't even think he thinks about it everyday. No, just on Saturday mornings at about 9am and that's it, yay. He will give it up once a week just to pacify me. Everything else in our life is great. Most of the time I can't imagine my life without him. He takes such great care of us and we have come such a long way and I'd hate to throw this marriage out over one problem but one thing leads to many, over time. And to be honest, our kids are now both in high school. We only have a few years left with them and I know I'm not going to handle empty nesting very well for a bit. If he doesn't take advantage of us having 100% privacy at that point then I'm probably out.
> 
> ...


One of the saddest things I’ve read on here. I wish there was something I could say. I hope his desire increases. That is indeed wrong of him to be functional but not attempt to take care of you better.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One piece of advice I have is to be honest with what frequency you want. Originally I was at 1-3x a month when I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had been taking care of myself pretty much every day though. I had thought hey maybe twice a week was a compromise but since I had been taking care of myself almost every day before that it wasn’t honest. It has been 100 days since I last took care of myself. I really want every day so the compromise level (for me) is maybe an odd day off here or there. My initial position of twice a week really didn’t match my drive.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> One piece of advice I have is to be honest with what frequency you want. Originally I was at 1-3x a month when I couldn’t take it anymore.
> 
> I had been taking care of myself pretty much every day though. I had thought hey maybe twice a week was a compromise but since I had been taking care of myself almost every day before that it wasn’t honest. It has been 100 days since I last took care of myself. I really want every day so the compromise level (for me) is maybe an odd day off here or there. My initial position of twice a week really didn’t match my drive.


Yeah, the compromise isn't really a concrete number. I mean I just want to live life and to feel fulfilled, wanted and for this to just not be a thought. Obviously there are going to be times when neither of us feel like it. That is life.

You brought up a good point about taking care of yourself and being honest. Sex with someone that you love and share your life with is so much more than sex. I have gone all this time and haven't taken the step of getting myself off simply because I feel like sex is better when I haven't done that. That's just me but I didn't want to even get to that point. I feel like that's what you do when you are single and going through a dry spell or something. That's just me though. I'd rather just not have to do it.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> This is really good advice and I appreciate it. I guess I was feeling a little cocky when I made that statement....even though I'm the one feeling rejected.


One question that comes to mind. Just cuz his tool doesn't work on command doesn't mean he can't please you otherwise whenever it decides to take a nap. He has two hands and a mouth. Since he knows the tension his problem is creating, he ought to be eager to offer all he is capable of in the moment. In fact, you mentioned having bought a BOB. Maybe rather than be secretive, maybe bring it into the bedroom with him? 

Or maybe PIV is the only thing that will scratch the itch. If so, any time he is with you he feels the pressure from himself, whether you are applying it or not. Any man with a naked, willing wife laying next to him is going to be extremely frustrated if his gear fails to perform. Also fearful of losing his wife. The psychological is a loop that builds performance anxiety.

I know all of this doesn't make any difference to you, just explaining from perspective of someone who has experienced it. Fortunately the wife and I have navigated this and other challenges, like cancerous prostate removal and her menopause. After my surgery, the soldier was asleep for nearly a year. If my wife had told me get things working or she was leaving, I could have only said "my best wishes for you". But, we have loved one another through good and bad times.

The Saturday schedule is surprising. Usually a man with T problems will be best in early morning and the day of the week is irrelevant.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> One question that comes to mind. Just cuz his tool doesn't work on command doesn't mean he can't please you otherwise whenever it decides to take a nap. He has two hands and a mouth. Since he knows the tension his problem is creating, he ought to be eager to offer all he is capable of in the moment. In fact, you mentioned having bought a BOB. Maybe rather than be secretive, maybe bring it into the bedroom with him?
> 
> Or maybe PIV is the only thing that will scratch the itch. If so, any time he is with you he feels the pressure from himself, whether you are applying it or not. Any man with a naked, willing wife laying next to him is going to be extremely frustrated if his gear fails to perform.
> 
> The Saturday schedule is surprising. Usually a man with T problems will be best in early morning and the day of the week is irrelevant.


Actually he gets me off anytime I ask. I probably should have said that from the beginning but I didn't think about it simply because I don't ask much. It's random when I do. It's the simple fact that it's only about once a week that he has a desire or need for it and that's where the problem lies. I want the passion that we experience during sex to happen more. I wish he needed my sex more like I need his. For example, let's say I ask him to go down on me and he doesn't ask for it in return and that happens continously, the balance is completely off and I don't feel like I am given enough of an opportunity to make sure he is completely fulfilled sexually, even though he claims he is. Even though he claims he is, all I know is how I feel and that I'm not being fulfilled so how can he? So you might even question now why I even bought a vibe and it's because I don't want to ask anymore. I wish he had a bigger appetite. I am sure it is the same way for a man, but women like myself like to perform and satisfy their men and if I'm not given the opportunity often it brings down my confidence. He has never once complained or acted negative when I ask for him to get me off. But when I'm done, that's it. He either doesn't need it or perhaps it's not working and he's hiding it. With that said, I just don't understand why it only works on weekend mornings. Like all of the stars have to align correctly. 
Ugh..I hate this term but I want to "make love" more. That's it. I dream of a day that he comes home from work and has to have me, as if he's been thinking about having sex all day like I do. That literally never happens anymore and I miss it.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> Actually he gets me off anytime I ask. I probably should have said that from the beginning but I didn't think about it simply because I don't ask much. It's random when I do. It's the simple fact that it's only about once a week that he has a desire or need for it and that's where the problem lies. I want the passion that we experience during sex to happen more. I wish he needed my sex more like I need his. For example, let's say I ask him to go down on me and he doesn't ask for it in return and that happens continously, the balance is completely off and I don't feel like I am given enough of an opportunity to make sure he is completely fulfilled sexually, even though he claims he is. Even though he claims he is, all I know is how I feel and that I'm not being fulfilled so how can he? So you might even question now why I even bought a vibe and it's because I don't want to ask anymore. I wish he had a bigger appetite. I am sure it is the same way for a man, but women like myself like to perform and satisfy their men and if I'm not given the opportunity often it brings down my confidence. He has never once complained or acted negative when I ask for him to get me off. But when I'm done, that's it. He either doesn't need it or perhaps it's not working and he's hiding it. With that said, I just don't understand why it only works on weekend mornings. Like all of the stars have to align correctly.
> Ugh..I hate this term but I want to "make love" more. That's it. I dream of a day that he comes home from work and has to have me, as if he's been thinking about having sex all day like I do. That literally never happens anymore and I miss it.


The term you hate is what my wife loves and has always used. But we are somewhat antiquated lol. 

My last suggestion, how about telling him EXACTLY what you stated in this post. I think yours is the usual female emotion, to want to be wanted sexually. And it is a normal male emotion to want the female sexually. Tell him you want more sexual aggressiveness, a bigger appetite, more of the male animal in him. I find his lack of interest in your reciprocating him going down on you HIGHLY unusual. Even if the soldier is asleep, he still has intact feelings. 

Whatever it takes for him to bring things back to what things used to be is what he needs to do. I suspect HRT may help more than you realize, but it isn't the whole story.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rlc307 said:


> I know. I know this isn't the right thing to do but I'm just hurt and feeling resentful at this moment and I was last night when I wrote this thread. I am very happy outside of this problem and want things to improve. Sometimes I just want him to feel the pain that I have felt because right now the problem isn't solved and I continue to feel this. Will I actually reject him if things improve? No, probably not. I mean to be honest if he came and made a move right now I'd give in.


The thing that bothers me a little is that you feel he’s purposefully rejecting you. Do you really think that is the case? If not, why the anger?
I can assure you, if you reject him, that won’t fix anything and sounds totally unproductive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rlc307 said:


> Actually he gets me off anytime I ask. I probably should have said that from the beginning but I didn't think about it simply because I don't ask much. It's random when I do. It's the simple fact that it's only about once a week that he has a desire or need for it and that's where the problem lies. I want the passion that we experience during sex to happen more. I wish he needed my sex more like I need his. For example, let's say I ask him to go down on me and he doesn't ask for it in return and that happens continously, the balance is completely off and I don't feel like I am given enough of an opportunity to make sure he is completely fulfilled sexually, even though he claims he is. Even though he claims he is, all I know is how I feel and that I'm not being fulfilled so how can he? So you might even question now why I even bought a vibe and it's because I don't want to ask anymore. I wish he had a bigger appetite. I am sure it is the same way for a man, but women like myself like to perform and satisfy their men and if I'm not given the opportunity often it brings down my confidence. He has never once complained or acted negative when I ask for him to get me off. But when I'm done, that's it. He either doesn't need it or perhaps it's not working and he's hiding it. With that said, I just don't understand why it only works on weekend mornings. Like all of the stars have to align correctly.
> Ugh..I hate this term but I want to "make love" more. That's it. I dream of a day that he comes home from work and has to have me, as if he's been thinking about having sex all day like I do. That literally never happens anymore and I miss it.


you just happened to leave the part out where he gets you off anytime you want it??!!!
For him to do that and want nothing in return shows a lot of love and caring behavior.
Sounds to me you have a good man that just has a lower drive than you. 
nothing wrong with wanting more, But you leaving the part out where he lovingly provides a tongue when he isn’t Wanting it himself....... that says a lot about you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rlc307 said:


> I do understand that if he does have a testosterone issue or any other medical or mental issue that it won't be fixed overnight.


Are you sure he ain't having an affair or playing for the wrong team, if you know what I mean. Without needing a response, have you considered a FWB or such an arrangement as a fail safe? It can be done without disrupting your marriage if done with common sense. Here's the thing about a sexually unacceptable marriage. Some will say cheating will always 100% your fault. I say living with a man (or woman) that fails to provide an acceptable level of sexual activities is also 100% your fault. Choose your poison.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

I really hate raising this question, (call me suspicious) but is it possible that he is being milked somewhere else ( like the workplace ) that he has nothing more to give at home (during the week). If he was having ED from low T or other meds he is on or medical conditions he would have been seeing a doctor, popping ED meds already and turning to HRT because still having difficulties. Statistically, he wouldn't only want and be capable of performance on Sat mornings There would be different days, different times, sometimes Saturday would be a "bust" too.

BTW, 40 years old is very young to be having low T. That normally doesn't happen until "manopause" after age 50 when the testicles stop responding to the pituitary calling for more T.

Maybe he doesn't want you to go down on him other than Sat AM because he knows when you discover an erection readily happens but the expected gusher is a "dry hole" you will immediately question why that is.

Maybe the "bereaved" calling him away from dinner needed a different type comfort.

Apologies


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> you just happened to leave the part out where he gets you off anytime you want it??!!!
> For him to do that and want nothing in return shows a lot of love and caring behavior.
> Sounds to me you have a good man that just has a lower drive than you.
> nothing wrong with wanting more, But you leaving the part out where he lovingly provides a tongue when he isn’t Wanting it himself....... that says a lot about you.


I don't think it does but I'm fine if you think that way about me. I'm not trying to sound cocky but if you read through my comments I've already explained that he is a gentle and caring man. I didn't mention that he gets me off simply because I didn't think about it when I started this thread. It's not a daily or even a weekly occurrence. I don't ask for it often because I'd rather be passionate together- that's what I want and that's what we both enjoy most. I may sound dismissive in this aspect but this entire thread is not about getting an orgasm. It's not even about the orgasm. It's literally that his lack of desire, or lack of hunger has caused problems. I've already explained above that I know it's wrong to feel resentful and it's wrong for me to feel the need to punish him, per say. In fact my initial post said that I know I probably won't feel this way in the morning. I was pissed off when I wrote my initial post, up in the middle of the night, fuming- alone. I haven't even told him that I would actually ever do that to him.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> I really hate raising this question, (call me suspicious) but is it possible that he is being milked somewhere else ( like the workplace ) that he has nothing more to give at home (during the week). If he was having ED from low T or other meds he is on or medical conditions he would have been seeing a doctor, popping ED meds already and turning to HRT because still having difficulties. Statistically, he wouldn't only want and be capable of performance on Sat mornings There would be different days, different times, sometimes Saturday would be a "bust" too.
> 
> BTW, 40 years old is very young to be having low T. That normally doesn't happen until "manopause" after age 50 when the testicles stop responding to the pituitary calling for more T.
> 
> ...


Yeah, so I have questioned this and why it wasn't taken care of sooner if he thought he had an issue. All he can tell me is he had too much pride and didn't want to admit it or come to terms with the possibility. It doesn't explain his schedule either.
I actually don't think he's getting it from somewhere else. Of course I have wondered. Besides this, there is no indicator. I don't even think he could handle it. Besides the fact that he has a fear of STD's, now with covid I can't imagine him letting anyone in his personal space as seriously as he takes it. Now, obviously you just never know and people are that good. I was one of them in my first marriage.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> I don't even think he could handle it.


Well, you mentioned him becoming intense with "work" about 2 years ago ( before covid ). Why don't you think he could handle it? Maybe two women finally became something he needed to spread out during the week. And why is he mentioning fear of STDs? That is also rather suspicious for someone in a monogamous ltr. There was another thread on here where a wife was convinced her husband had no time for an affair but questioning his otherwise odd behavior(s). After seven months he finally confessed he had been doing a coworker for more than a year while out of town on business ( and later when home as well)

Anyway, since this isn't your first rodeo, you would know better than I would for sure the signs and how to clear or indict a cheater.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Well, you mentioned him becoming intense with "work" about 2 years ago ( before covid ). Why don't you think he could handle it? Maybe two women finally became something he needed to spread out during the week. And why is he mentioning fear of STDs? That is also rather suspicious for someone in a monogamous ltr. There was another thread on here where a wife was convinced her husband had no time for an affair but questioning his otherwise odd behavior(s). After seven months he finally confessed he had been doing a coworker for more than a year while out of town on business ( and later when home as well)
> 
> Anyway, since this isn't your first rodeo, you would know better than I would for sure the signs and how to clear or indict a cheater.


This was a fear he talked about when we first started dating years ago. Not that he was necessarily afraid of me but it was just something we had conversations about a few times. He was pretty cautious with women before me. It's not something he has randomly brought up for the years. 
Anyone on the planet can make time for an affair if they want it bad enough. I just don't think he has the patience to deal with another woman. I'm only his 5th sexual partner and I guess it's hard for me to put it into words. I guess I won't say he's not capable of doing that because really, anyone could be. But I'm just not getting that vibe. Is it a possibility? Sure...but surprisingly it would be stacked at the very bottom of the list.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rlc307 said:


> I don't think it does but I'm fine if you think that way about me. I'm not trying to sound cocky but if you read through my comments I've already explained that he is a gentle and caring man. I didn't mention that he gets me off simply because I didn't think about it when I started this thread. It's not a daily or even a weekly occurrence. I don't ask for it often because I'd rather be passionate together- that's what I want and that's what we both enjoy most. I may sound dismissive in this aspect but this entire thread is not about getting an orgasm. It's not even about the orgasm. It's literally that his lack of desire, or lack of hunger has caused problems. I've already explained above that I know it's wrong to feel resentful and it's wrong for me to feel the need to punish him, per say. In fact my initial post said that I know I probably won't feel this way in the morning. I was pissed off when I wrote my initial post, up in the middle of the night, fuming- alone. I haven't even told him that I would actually ever do that to him.


I shouldn’t have said “tells a lot about you”. I meant tells a lot about how you think.

What you’ve said is nothing wrong, nothing uncaring, nothing bad in your part. I would want a woman that made love to me as you said, rather than giving me a bj to completion because she cared that I needed some sexual release but wasn’t really into it.

I just want to point out that he does seem to love you and care about you, and looks like he just hasn’t got a lot of drive. Are you going to divorce him over that? It seems harsh, but I do understand your pain.

I’d just warn you to be careful what you wish for, because a good man is hard to find. Even a good man with only a one day a week sex drive.
Honestly, I’m kinda worn out on sex after two days in a row and need at least a day break in between now. I’m 48.

my apologies for the negative comment.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I shouldn’t have said “tells a lot about you”. I meant tells a lot about how you think.
> 
> What you’ve said is nothing wrong, nothing uncaring, nothing bad in your part. I would want a woman that made love to me as you said, rather than giving me a bj to completion because she cared that I needed some sexual release but wasn’t really into it.
> 
> ...


I don't want to divorce him over it. I know I have said that it's a possibility if things don't improve and it is. But our lives are about to change in a few years and I just feel like if we don't get this figured out and if I don't feel wanted more that one thing may lead to another and I could explode. It's just one problem but one problem rolls and leads onto the next. I'm trying to be patient right now. Even though I have gotten so upset over this I'm willing to wait and see what happens. It is hard to find a good man, or a good match and now that I think about it, dating at this age or even in a few years sounds like a headache. And who knows, maybe my sex drive will take a sh*t soon too 😂
I cannot wait until Wednesday to see what the plan is!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wait a minute - he went and got help, and he came home excited, and asked you to go along!!? This is GREAT!! 

Please go with this!! 

I’m excited for you!! Please go with him!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rlc307 said:


> I don't want to divorce him over it. I know I have said that it's a possibility if things don't improve and it is. But our lives are about to change in a few years and I just feel like if we don't get this figured out and if I don't feel wanted more that one thing may lead to another and I could explode. It's just one problem but one problem rolls and leads onto the next. I'm trying to be patient right now. Even though I have gotten so upset over this I'm willing to wait and see what happens. It is hard to find a good man, or a good match and now that I think about it, dating at this age or even in a few years sounds like a headache. And who knows, maybe my sex drive will take a sh*t soon too 😂
> I cannot wait until Wednesday to see what the plan is!


Wishing you both a speedy recovery 😋


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> Wait a minute - he went and got help, and he came home excited, and asked you to go along!!? This is GREAT!!
> 
> Please go with this!!
> 
> I’m excited for you!! Please go with him!


I can't!! I talked to him about this when he came home and he said he wished I had come with him. I can't make myself go. It's a male center with all men in the waiting room. I just feel like I am crossing over into uncharted territory by going. I mean I just feel like they could be uncomfortable being there in the first place and that I could be invading their privacy. It would be even worse if there was someone there that I know. I wouldn't feel embarrassed by being there but that could cause embarrassment for someone else. Maybe I am overthinkimg it but he actually agreed lol.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> I can't!! I talked to him about this when he came home and he said he wished I had come with him. I can't make myself go. It's a male center with all men in the waiting room. I just feel like I am crossing over into uncharted territory by going. I mean I just feel like they could be uncomfortable being there in the first place and that I could be invading their privacy. It would be even worse if there was someone there that I know. I wouldn't feel embarrassed by being there but that could cause embarrassment for someone else. Maybe I am overthinkimg it but he actually agreed lol.


Yes you can yes you can!! Come on I’m you’re cheer squad and I’m not giving you a pass - you’ve opened up and asked things of him and now he’s asking things of you and getting on board. He’s listening! He’s taking action.

Come on, don’t stop being a team and don’t be saying I can’t!! 

The roles are reversing now, you have a huge opportunity here!! Imagine him posting like this with his list of ‘why I can’t have sex outside Saturday mornings’. Really go back to your posts and exchange the words for his. 

I’m really excited for you both - don’t lose this opportunity he’s doing something about this and he wants you there - isn’t this what you wanted??? Go for it, please!! Go with him! 

Do this together. 

(I hope I’m not aggressive here, I genuinely see real hope here and I’m going with it. Good sex is coming - work with eachother now)


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

One thought I had about the Saturday schedule (but him being happy to service you other days) - do you think it's possible that his work zaps his sex drive? I'm sure that being a mortician is something you get used to but still... Is it possible that after dealing with dead bodies all day he just isn't feeling it? Sorry is this is ignorant, I really don't know much about the profession.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rlc307 said:


> ......I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I'm just sitting here annoyed a..... I'd rather vent to a bunch of strangers
> 
> ....we were both working gross amounts of overtime for months and remodeling our home at the same time, he became comfortable with the situation and here we are again.
> 
> ...


Well you certainly vented. You might want to read some of the things you said in your rant, especialy
toward the end. Your tired, your stressed, you feel abandoned as most during the Covid-19 crisis, you know you will be empty nesting soon, which means you are looking at a cliff of marital change. Maybe it is time to talk to your H about marriage counseling. My wife and I did a before retirement, post empty nest marriage counseling session. It really helps to have an idea of where your marriage is headed and what your shared dreams and aspirations are.

Venting is very helpful, if it is followed by action. May I suggest some positive affirmations (self-hypnosis) on how lucky you are to be loved by such a great husband and how much you love him for all he does.

Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rlc307 said:


> I don't want to divorce him over it.


After years of heartache, I had planned my exit. Waiting for the last kid to go to uni. But then things go better, only for my wife to withdraw from our sex life when the last kid when to uni! She had stayed for the kids and she was giving me sex to pacify me. I was rather shocked. Life is full of surprises...


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Rlc307 said:


> I just feel like if we don't get this figured out and if I don't feel wanted more that one thing may lead to another and I could explode. It's just one problem but one problem rolls and leads onto the next. I'm trying to be patient right now.


Your patience is laudable. And, with these issues there is a vulnerability to someone else's aggressive pursuit. The "one problem" overrides anything else as witness the pages and pages of miserable men and women posting because their partner isn't fully engaged in the sexual relationship. Your husband doesn't need to wait for TRT to "kick in", he better step up to the plate with whatever he has and bring the male animal inside into the game. It is the ninth inning, score is tied, bases loaded, 2 outs, 3/2 pitch.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Your patience is laudable. And, with these issues there is a vulnerability to someone else's aggressive pursuit. The "one problem" overrides anything else as witness the pages and pages of miserable men and women posting because their partner isn't fully engaged in the sexual relationship. Your husband doesn't need to wait for TRT to "kick in", he better step up to the plate with whatever he has and bring the male animal inside into the game. It is the ninth inning, score is tied, bases loaded, 2 outs, 3/2 pitch.


Seriously you have no idea what you are even talking about. If her husband is low T there is no animal inside. You can’t generate an animal out of wanting him to be. If he is low T there is nothing there and if you aren’t low T you can’t even imagine the ways in which it affects you.

For me I knew something was wrong but had no idea what without a frame of reference. I thought I was dealing with extreme job stress. Finally, after discussing it with my dr she used a triage interview and narrowed it down to possibly being low T. After a blood test confirmed and doing my own research I finally figured out that I had probably been dealing with low T for about a decade. The job stress was just the last straw for my system. 

OP while I loved my wife very much I had absolutely no drive including initiating sex. It was easy to go with the status quo including ignoring what I wanted for myself. I also poured myself into my career/job because it was something that I saw results, cause and effect.

I urge you to be patient for a little longer. If he is getting help then that is a good sign.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

pbj2016 said:


> Seriously you have no idea what you are even talking about. If her husband is low T there is no animal inside. You can’t generate an animal out of wanting him to be. If he is low T there is nothing there and if you aren’t low T you can’t even imagine the ways in which it affects you.
> 
> For me I knew something was wrong but had no idea what without a frame of reference. I thought I was dealing with extreme job stress. Finally, after discussing it with my dr she used a triage interview and narrowed it down to possibly being low T. After a blood test confirmed and doing my own research I finally figured out that I had probably been dealing with low T for about a decade. The job stress was just the last straw for my system.
> 
> ...


FYI I AM low T! And under treatment for it. It fluctuates so the low happens about every 10 days. So stop with telling me I don't know what I am talking about! The free T has been as low as 4! Trust me, the animal is inside ALWAYS, but on the low it is caged inside my head. Maybe yours manifests differently, every individual exhibits symptoms differently. Notice I am not telling YOU that you don't know what you are talking about. 

Her husband has no problem every Saturday morning. My symptoms certainly don't recognize any particular day of the week,


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> Wait a minute - he went and got help, and he came home excited, and asked you to go along!!? This is GREAT!!
> 
> Please go with this!!
> 
> I’m excited for you!! Please go with him!





Rlc307 said:


> I can't!! I talked to him about this when he came home and he said he wished I had come with him. I can't make myself go. It's a male center with all men in the waiting room. I just feel like I am crossing over into uncharted territory by going. I mean I just feel like they could be uncomfortable being there in the first place and that I could be invading their privacy. It would be even worse if there was someone there that I know. I wouldn't feel embarrassed by being there but that could cause embarrassment for someone else. Maybe I am overthinkimg it but he actually agreed lol.


@Rlc307 Listen to @Luckylucky 's advice. Get over your own fears. Your guy is doing something really brave and really admirable. He's been scared to face this for years. He needs your support right now, more than ever before. This could be the turning point in your marriage, where just a little effort on your part could make the difference in the outcome.

I really don't understand why, with is recent change in attitude, this is the time for you choose to vent, instead of celebrate, seeing it as a turning point for him. Is there a chance you are already done with him, and kind of resent that now he's finally getting around to doing something about it, and it's too late? That maybe you are mad at yourself for letting things go too far without resolution, that you made up your mind a long time ago?

If you're not in counseling now, I'd suggest you do so quickly. And if you think my prior paragraph is nonsense, then think about a change of heart and approach him quickly, tell him you wish you HAD gone with him, that you really appreciate his asking, that you want to help. And next time, do go with him. I think it's possible he wants you to see, first-hand, how far he's willing to go for you, how much he loves you. And maybe he wants to make a commitment to you in person like that, knowing that will help keep him from later backing away from it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good grief.... bravery? Counseling?

Are people today so weak that they can’t solve their own problems with a “therapist”????

I hope OP’s husband gets some testosterone going and they have a more rewarding sex life along with their good marriage already. I don’t think the OP needs counseling. Her thoughts seem pretty clear and logical to me. What exactly is a therapist going to do for her.

These therapists must be real miracle workers.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

so....this is a pretty long thread already, and I am sure I could write 50 paragraphs myself. I share many of the EXACT feelings you do, including many of the specifics. My wife took testosterone for 2 years, and it was like magic. It really did all come down to something as simple as hormones. Unfortunately in my case, wife stopped the treatment, and back to how things were before, but the two years she was on it proved to me...beyond any doubt...that a lot of our struggles were in fact medically related. Even if his T is not super low, encourage him to try HRT for a while. You might still have to have your new vibrator for an occasional backup option, but my guess is after two weeks on T therapy, his interest will be much increased.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes you can yes you can!! Come on I’m you’re cheer squad and I’m not giving you a pass - you’ve opened up and asked things of him and now he’s asking things of you and getting on board. He’s listening! He’s taking action.
> 
> Come on, don’t stop being a team and don’t be saying I can’t!!
> 
> ...


Thank you!! I just know how hard it was for him to even admit that there is a problem and I just felt like I would make other men there uncomfortable. But I want to go and I'm going! This is really huge and I'm glad he asked me to join him. We need to work on this together and I need to think about him too. He needs my support💙


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

suburbanmom said:


> One thought I had about the Saturday schedule (but him being happy to service you other days) - do you think it's possible that his work zaps his sex drive? I'm sure that being a mortician is something you get used to but still... Is it possible that after dealing with dead bodies all day he just isn't feeling it? Sorry is this is ignorant, I really don't know much about the profession.


His work work does affect him sometimes. It generally depends on how much weight he's lifting through the day. I don't mean that as a joke but it's the truth. I don't fault him for that either. I usually hear about it as soon as he walks through the door and he asks for a back rub that night lol.


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