# Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.



## Scannerguard

I am in line to get a pretty substantial job advancement in my career. I am going on a 3rd interview where they are flying me to actually complete the interview. It's not a slam-dunk yet by any means but I am one of the finalists.

My caustic ex-wife refuses to talk to me about it until I have the job.

The problem is this job is going to require travel during the week, when I currently have the kids. It's definitely a career upgrade though so I'll more than likely take it even though my time with the kids will be drastically reduced.

Oh, she continually tries to impute my income higher than it is (served me again, 6 months after divorce) so this is another reason I will take it. She served me about this along with wanting to see my tax returns, which I refused to produce on demand. I wouldn't mind having a lower paying job (and something I do love) and being aroudn more for the kids, but I realize it's about money nowadays and that's fine. I'm kinda disgusted lately anyway.

I have been advised to just move forward without her and just get an overnight nanny if I get the job.

Is this good advice?


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## Lon

yeah, if she is unwilling to work on a mutual agreement, then maybe the nanny option is good, except you should check if there are any "right of first refusal" issues in your parenting agreement or state laws, she probably has the right to care for your kids if she wants, and of course that would mean paying her more, but since you are considering hiring a nanny is it really about the money anyway? If your ex is unfit to take them, to the point you'd sooner trust a hired stranger, then you have other problems to address. I'd say just do it, if your xw refuses to take the care then you have your backup in place.


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## Scannerguard

Lon,

It's terrible. . .we don't even talk anymore, not even about the kids. She called me up the other day and lit into me becuase I forgot to bring the toddlers blanket to school with him and he didnt' take a nap and was cranky.

I apologized. She continue to light into me. I apologized again and said if they had only called, I was a mile away. She continued to light into me.

So I hung up. 

Disconnected her from my brain. Don't need that kind of auditory input. I wanted to actually spend some extra time with my middle son that night and work on some soccer drills, but she's just too caustic to communicate with.

So. . .I see myself slowly disconnecting here. It's a real risk.

Yeah, she's better than a nanny for the kids but I am not sure what to do.

Oh well, she does have a point - I don't even have the job yet. It would just be nice to have a partner to dialogue with with regards to the children.


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## Lon

Was reading in another thread (can't remember which one) about a xw pulling the same crap, getting mean and disrespectful, and someone recommended just getting up, saying they won't be talked to that way and walking away. Maybe that's exactly what you need to do here, start putting up a boundary and as soon as her tone turns disrespectful simply say I won't be talked to that way and hang up. Do this every time until she starts learning that she can't talk that way. If she won't talk when you call, then text or email, and if she refuses to reply atleast you can still have a recorded paper trail. Start ignoring her as much as you can, where it concerns the kids, make your decision, tell her once and if she fails to negotiate (ie she declines her right to be the first one to refuse to take care of the kids) you already have your backup plan in place with the nanny. Sorry it must be hard, so far my W and I have been very cordial and amicable concerning our son, but it may not always stay that way, still its hard enough just planning everything when we are already on the same page can't imagine if either of us were trying to make it harder...


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## Miss Represented

Maybe your ex-wife simply wants to wait until you are actually offered the job before the two of you discuss a new schedule and how it would affect the children. Maybe there have been countless dialogues in the past about what you might want to do with your life and how the rest of the family might reorganize in deference to you. Maybe, for example, you wanted to be the dean of a college, or have a Baylor position as radiology technologist, or open a fasting clinic, or run a website, and those never became reality after hours and hours of wasted dialogue. Maybe we shouldn’t judge her for wanting to just wait to see if this is reality or just another scannerguard hypothesis.

And maybe your ex-wife is humiliated by having every comment she makes put through your self-righteous filter, exaggerated, spun for the most negative possible connotation, and then shared with family and friends and posted for public criticism and ridicule. Might that affect her willingness to communicate with you?

And maybe her interpretation of “communication,” as the communication director for a large health system, is that information be exchanged two ways. Perhaps cutting yourself off from auditory input, hearing what you want to hear rather than what she is actually saying, and telling her how things are going to be is not true communication, in her opinion. 

How about opening a dialogue about what schedule might make life as easy as possible for the kids, so they don’t have the confusion of two different households, buses and schedules on school days and so they actually get to visit with you during your visitation? Or how about opening a dialogue about anything other than what you want and need?

In regards to “full disclosure,” consider that telling a woman BEFORE you marry her, buy a home and make three children that what you really want out of life is to live in a trailer, never have to “babysit,” not do anything fun with your family and not have the financial responsibility of supporting anyone or having to put any thought into caring for anyone, might fall under that category. Maybe she shouldn’t be punished for the rest of her life for wanting exactly the things she said she wanted when you married her, just because at some point you decided that family responsibilities infringe too much on your personal time and you didn’t feel that compromising any of your own wants was part of being a husband or father. 

And maybe you could start a thread here to ask people’s opinions on whether a woman who thinks a 2400-square-foot-home on a 1/4 acre lot is a reasonable desire for two working adults with post-graduate educations and three children. Or do you folks agree with scannerguard that this woman, who works twice as much and makes twice as much as her ex, and receives $140 per week for three kids from her doctor ex-husband, is a hungry bear who lives in a mansion and still isn’t happy and had better stop being fed before she gets completely out of control?

And maybe your ex-wife DID know you were dating during the separation and was happy you were able to find what she didn’t couldn’t give you, so she didn’t feel the need to throw a hypocritical fit in court over the “third party” that was completely irrelevant anyway since the marriage was physically, emotionally and logistically over.

And maybe those of you on here who are passing judgment on someone for having a relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce, or before there was a legal separation, or before she fully disclosed her intentions, could consider that maybe, even though she’s non-religious and caustic, just maybe she has extremely high morals and only has sex with people she is in love with and people who love her, in thought and in action. Maybe her number is very low and her self-esteem is very high, whether or not she has the respect of her pure and morally superior ex.

And scanner, even though the “third party” was fat, maybe he was a bigger man than you in more ways than one. Maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with your children and looked forward to doing fun things with them and treated their mother like he was her #1 fan. Maybe she thought it would be positive to have the boys see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. But in any case, if you decided she was good enough to leave your children with while you pursued your freedom, maybe you shouldn’t really pass judgment on the decisions she made in your absence.

And maybe your ex wouldn’t have introduced the children to the “third party” before the divorce was final if you hadn’t dedicated every ounce of your energy to prolonging the divorce as long as possible and ensuring that she did not have any time without the children in which to develop a social life (which you now pity her for). Maybe you would rather she snuck men into the house after your children were asleep? And perhaps she doesn’t consider you reading through her e-mails and personal correspondence, and pumping the kids for information, as flaunting her relationship. 

Maybe if your goal here is to have your ex and kids provided for by someone other than yourself, that you should have considered this objective before throwing up every barrier you could think of to prevent her from developing a relationship, while you secretly pursued your own, with “all the time in the world.”

Maybe if you could let yourself admit that your ex is a good person who loves your children and only wants what’s best for them, and that the “third party” she invited into her life might just be someone she trusted, who genuinely enjoyed your children and was willing to do anything for them. Maybe that is the kind of person a decent man would want around his children, rather than trying to drive him away, because that is the kind of person she is hoping you invite into your life.

Maybe your ex is a little frustrated that, even though you are so proud of yourself and think you are so adorable for carrying around a planner, you are still incapable of getting the children where they need to be with what they need to have. Do you think maybe you could take a few minutes away from your self-focus to give just a little thought to what they might need? 

Maybe before you, jokingly or not, state that your ex is unfit to be a mother that you think about how you essentially abandoned a baby, a child and a teenager in order to punish a woman for wanting a life that you did not want. Consider that you decided after you were married with children that you would prefer to have freedom, and that since she is the one who wanted children in the first place and not you, even though you never disclosed this fact, that they are completely her responsibility. And consider that she accepted this responsibility, after you drove down the street “breathing a sigh of relief,” without you ever “giving her a break by babysitting,” and handled meals, homework, sports practices, holidays, haircuts and activities and birthday parties and clothes shopping, as well as a home and a yard, and a full-time job, on about four hours of sleep per night, and yet has three happy, successful kids. Do you think perhaps it is a little disrespectful to publicly claim that this woman is an unfit mother? Do you think maybe you should try doing what she does before proclaiming that she is unfit?

And maybe, if you think it would be so very easy to disengage from your children, even though you list “my boys” as the #1 thing you can’t live without on the dating sites where you are blatantly misrepresenting yourself as a loving parent to bait women, they just might be better off if you did.

Maybe you’ll actually consider that you may possibly not totally be the blameless victim that you make yourself out to be day after day, year after year, on these forums. But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.


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## SadSamIAm

Hey Scanner .... looks like your ex found the forum 

My only comment is that you might want to add up the numbers! You might make more money, but if you have to pay more support and a night nanny and not get to see your kids as much, you might decide you aren't really getting ahead.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Miss Represented said:


> Maybe your ex-wife simply wants to wait until you are actually offered the job before the two of you discuss a new schedule and how it would affect the children. Maybe there have been countless dialogues in the past about what you might want to do with your life and how the rest of the family might reorganize in deference to you. Maybe, for example, you wanted to be the dean of a college, or have a Baylor position as radiology technologist, or open a fasting clinic, or run a website, and those never became reality after hours and hours of wasted dialogue. Maybe we shouldn’t judge her for wanting to just wait to see if this is reality or just another scannerguard hypothesis.
> 
> And maybe your ex-wife is humiliated by having every comment she makes put through your self-righteous filter, exaggerated, spun for the most negative possible connotation, and then shared with family and friends and posted for public criticism and ridicule. Might that affect her willingness to communicate with you?
> 
> And maybe her interpretation of “communication,” as the communication director for a large health system, is that information be exchanged two ways. Perhaps cutting yourself off from auditory input, hearing what you want to hear rather than what she is actually saying, and telling her how things are going to be is not true communication, in her opinion.
> 
> How about opening a dialogue about what schedule might make life as easy as possible for the kids, so they don’t have the confusion of two different households, buses and schedules on school days and so they actually get to visit with you during your visitation? Or how about opening a dialogue about anything other than what you want and need?
> 
> In regards to “full disclosure,” consider that telling a woman BEFORE you marry her, buy a home and make three children that what you really want out of life is to live in a trailer, never have to “babysit,” not do anything fun with your family and not have the financial responsibility of supporting anyone or having to put any thought into caring for anyone, might fall under that category. Maybe she shouldn’t be punished for the rest of her life for wanting exactly the things she said she wanted when you married her, just because at some point you decided that family responsibilities infringe too much on your personal time and you didn’t feel that compromising any of your own wants was part of being a husband or father.
> 
> And maybe you could start a thread here to ask people’s opinions on whether a woman who thinks a 2400-square-foot-home on a 1/4 acre lot is a reasonable desire for two working adults with post-graduate educations and three children. Or do you folks agree with scannerguard that this woman, who works twice as much and makes twice as much as her ex, and receives $140 per week for three kids from her doctor ex-husband, is a hungry bear who lives in a mansion and still isn’t happy and had better stop being fed before she gets completely out of control?
> 
> And maybe your ex-wife DID know you were dating during the separation and was happy you were able to find what she didn’t couldn’t give you, so she didn’t feel the need to throw a hypocritical fit in court over the “third party” that was completely irrelevant anyway since the marriage was physically, emotionally and logistically over.
> 
> And maybe those of you on here who are passing judgment on someone for having a relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce, or before there was a legal separation, or before she fully disclosed her intentions, could consider that maybe, even though she’s non-religious and caustic, just maybe she has extremely high morals and only has sex with people she is in love with and people who love her, in thought and in action. Maybe her number is very low and her self-esteem is very high, whether or not she has the respect of her pure and morally superior ex.
> 
> And scanner, even though the “third party” was fat, maybe he was a bigger man than you in more ways than one. Maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with your children and looked forward to doing fun things with them and treated their mother like he was her #1 fan. Maybe she thought it would be positive to have the boys see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. But in any case, if you decided she was good enough to leave your children with while you pursued your freedom, maybe you shouldn’t really pass judgment on the decisions she made in your absence.
> 
> And maybe your ex wouldn’t have introduced the children to the “third party” before the divorce was final if you hadn’t dedicated every ounce of your energy to prolonging the divorce as long as possible and ensuring that she did not have any time without the children in which to develop a social life (which you now pity her for). Maybe you would rather she snuck men into the house after your children were asleep? And perhaps she doesn’t consider you reading through her e-mails and personal correspondence, and pumping the kids for information, as flaunting her relationship.
> 
> Maybe if your goal here is to have your ex and kids provided for by someone other than yourself, that you should have considered this objective before throwing up every barrier you could think of to prevent her from developing a relationship, while you secretly pursued your own, with “all the time in the world.”
> 
> Maybe if you could let yourself admit that your ex is a good person who loves your children and only wants what’s best for them, and that the “third party” she invited into her life might just be someone she trusted, who genuinely enjoyed your children and was willing to do anything for them. Maybe that is the kind of person a decent man would want around his children, rather than trying to drive him away, because that is the kind of person she is hoping you invite into your life.
> 
> Maybe your ex is a little frustrated that, even though you are so proud of yourself and think you are so adorable for carrying around a planner, you are still incapable of getting the children where they need to be with what they need to have. Do you think maybe you could take a few minutes away from your self-focus to give just a little thought to what they might need?
> 
> Maybe before you, jokingly or not, state that your ex is unfit to be a mother that you think about how you essentially abandoned a baby, a child and a teenager in order to punish a woman for wanting a life that you did not want. Consider that you decided after you were married with children that you would prefer to have freedom, and that since she is the one who wanted children in the first place and not you, even though you never disclosed this fact, that they are completely her responsibility. And consider that she accepted this responsibility, after you drove down the street “breathing a sigh of relief,” without you ever “giving her a break by babysitting,” and handled meals, homework, sports practices, holidays, haircuts and activities and birthday parties and clothes shopping, as well as a home and a yard, and a full-time job, on about four hours of sleep per night, and yet has three happy, successful kids. Do you think perhaps it is a little disrespectful to publicly claim that this woman is an unfit mother? Do you think maybe you should try doing what she does before proclaiming that she is unfit?
> 
> And maybe, if you think it would be so very easy to disengage from your children, even though you list “my boys” as the #1 thing you can’t live without on the dating sites where you are blatantly misrepresenting yourself as a loving parent to bait women, they just might be better off if you did.
> 
> Maybe you’ll actually consider that you may possibly not totally be the blameless victim that you make yourself out to be day after day, year after year, on these forums. But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.


Oh boy. This needs to be bookmarked as a sticky and posted to every forum here. The whole "two sides to every story". 
Definately never got this side of what was going on, that's for sure.


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## golfergirl

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh boy. This needs to be bookmarked as a sticky and posted to every forum here. The whole "two sides to every story".
> Definately never got this side of what was going on, that's for sure.



If they could have communicated like that during marriage - maybe they could have worked some of this out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

I don't really see how it changes anything, scanner is still entitled to his feelings, and obviously there has always been a difficulty for them communicating... nor do I think his XW's opinion moves the actual truth away from anything, obviously each of them has their own version and it will always be irreconcilable.


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## Lon

golfergirl said:


> If they could have communicated like that during marriage - maybe they could have worked some of this out!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree, this is the kind of communication that wasn't happening, the kind that he feels is "caustic". She clearly feels strong about her views and seems completely unwilling to budge and accept her share of the failure in the marriage.


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## golfergirl

Lon said:


> I disagree, this is the kind of communication that wasn't happening, the kind that he feels is "caustic". She clearly feels strong about her views and seems completely unwilling to budge and accept her share of the failure in the marriage.


I mean before she got to the point of all the anger as in telling him her needs. While upset and frustrated and kind of lecturing right now (not productive) I get the feeling scanner never really knew what he was doing wrong in her eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

golfergirl said:


> ... I get the feeling scanner never really knew what he was doing wrong in her eyes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That part I agree with. And from what I read it goes both ways. Such is life it seems, and unfortunately it seems so very common, yet with no "easy" solution.


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## Scannerguard

I'll let the forum decide out of civility. . .should I respond to this post (since one poster said they would post a sticky all of the forum) point by point or should I let it go?

I'll let the moderators and contributors to the forum decide.

I do have to speak up to the one libelous thing she wrote - that I somehow "abandoned" a baby and two other kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. From her point of view, because I was around and so involved, it could seem like abandonment but

A. She did all she could to drive me out. It was not like I just left her for a young floosie.

B. I was with the baby 2 overnights and 1 full day per week, along with occasional weekends. I attended the older two boys sports events and musical events and stayed in touch the best I could and had them a little more often in the summer. Weekends here and there and some 1 on 1 time. I think we kept up a good relationship for the most part during the separation.

C. I paid $1725/month in household support.

Hardly abandonment in the legal sense of the word.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Scannerguard said:


> I'll let the forum decide out of civility. . .should I respond to this post (since one poster said they would post a sticky all of the forum) point by point or should I let it go?
> 
> I'll let the moderators and contributors to the forum decide.
> 
> I do have to speak up to the one libelous thing she wrote - that I somehow "abandoned" a baby and two other kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. From her point of view, because I was around and so involved, it could seem like abandonment but
> 
> A. She did all she could to drive me out. It was not like I just left her for a young floosie.
> 
> B. I was with the baby 2 overnights and 1 full day per week, along with occasional weekends. I attended the older two boys sports events and musical events and stayed in touch the best I could and had them a little more often in the summer. Weekends here and there and some 1 on 1 time. I think we kept up a good relationship for the most part during the separation.
> 
> C. I paid $1725/month in household support.
> 
> Hardly abandonment in the legal sense of the word.


Just to be clear Scanner, I didn't mean to suggest this post should be posted as a sticky, nor do I have the power to do so. What I meant was a sticky about remembering two sides to every story and those of us that post will always paint ourselves in fashionable light. Human nature I guess but it is still important to remember that doesn't make it truth. Same goes for your ex.


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## Scannerguard

RealBrightEyes,

Oh, yes, I know what you mean now. . .yes, I am a victim of human nature as much as the next human I guess and I would concede/admit to that. I don't think I overly try to bias any story towards me though. But yes, I would have never admitted that bias wasn't there. I think if anything I am always trying to be acutely aware that I may be biasing the story and often try to overrepresent the other side.

Well, this is just virgin territory to me - do I engage Miss Represented? Do we consider the topic closed? There's a couple points in there that I think are related to the topic (co-parenting and communication) but I kind of want a consensus on whether to continue on or not with the newly developed drama.

I also admit I am starting to get the uneasy feeling I am being stalked. She defriended me on facebook (which was fine so I cna't see her goings on and she can't see mine, I guess), and I am entirely uninterested in her social network anyway, yet she is following my posts here without abandon and has found me on match dot com.

I am not sure of what to do.

I participate in this forum in dribs and drabs anyway and am happy to respectfully withdrawal and give her floor time too.


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## Catherine602

Now I understand better. I find some of Scanners post odd. The most common are about the latest woman he is about to have sex with. It is usually asking some mundane advice about how best to impress the woman so she will put on a good performance. Or how to do something showy but inexpensively.

I don't remember getting a sense of what the woman was like, what her interest were or a sense of any emotions that he may or may not have had for the woman. The stituations seemed static like a tableau of the zanny adventures of a newly minted sexually active middle aged male. They go away with amazing speed and no explanatory tableau. 

Another thing I noticed is the number of times he mentioned his wife's age and lack of prospects for a social life and finding love. I have often got the sense that old Scanner hopes the common wisdom that is put about that puts his wife's chances of finding love at zero and his at 100% is true. I don't think she is being caustic at all. If you are not living with a man like she describe her ex then you cannot call her feelings of being done with his antics as caustic. 

There is a hint of just the kind of self obsorbed, "what is in it for me" type person in the post. Three young children with a man who looks out for himself rather too well can wear one down. I am glad you posted Miss R - it clears up a great deal for me. 

My advice - turn away from him. Completely and utterly divest yourself of all reactivity to your ex. Agree with him when he is cross, don't let what he says register in your psyche. Does he rub your nose in things try to get your goat? Just smile and leave the room. Communicate only about your children and finances. 

Make sure that he takes equal responsibility fo the children as you. Give him the job of keeping up with the games and drs appointments. When he srews up let him take the time to solve it. Make sure that he spends quality time with the kids. If he is seeing them while doing something for himself let he take another day to get the quality time with them that they deserve. 

You need to move on. You are not stuck you are sticking yourself by engaging your ex in anything even a fight. You have nothing to be unhappy about. How could you be unhappy?? There are women who would kill for 3 healthy, well adjusted kids so enjoy them. And love? Don't believe what you hear. Even if only 40% of women above 40 with kids find love then you be in the 40%. How? Don't decend into bitterness. 

Stay weight appropriate, be happy with who you are, enjoy your life and enjoy being you. Take charge, don't let your ex get a leg up on you and push your buttons or control you by things he says or does. Make it your bissiness to not know anything about what he does or says except as it relates to parenting and finances. 

That is the only way you are going to find happiness again. Don't read these post or post here again just let it go. Let him go around in circles you rise above. I really hope that you will be happy and find a man worthy of you. Just remember to work on your role in the problems with the ex own them and sin no more. That should put you in a good space, living well is the best ....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Yes, always 2 sides to every story, oh my! 

I do wonder how you & Mis Represented's communication was THEN with each other? (I can not think of a better name to call you out on--talk about WOW!!) 

You sound humbled Scanner. 

I think when we are hurt badly , we tend to justify our own positions. Doesn't always make it right but we get caught up in it. If you can both hear each other out - and admit where you messed up, even though you have both moved on, but to set the record straight somehow, find some common ground, give each other just a little leeway- for the children at least. This would be a fine thing, a necessary thing. 

You are both human, I am sure you both made plenty of mistakes....we've all been there. Many ex's would be very very disturbed to find their historys plastered online, painted so negatively. I can't even imagine really. You got a taste of that anger here. 

Might want to delete some threads out of respect- for starters. ??

I don't know Scanner, for the sake & love of your children, you 2 need to get along. Talk to each other. Doesn't have to be here in this thread -the ice has been broken here with a BANG.... now it is time to rebuild.


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## Therealbrighteyes

The root of all this is pain. She has posted hers in a very eloquent way and he has posted his using his humor and often "gaming" women. One isn't right over the other. Pain is pain. Pain does things to people. 2 adults and 3 children are involved in this pain.
I wish them well.


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## Catherine602

Gaming woman - I hate that it is now acceptable to game anyone. Maybe if the male divorce can game random woman because he has been thwarted in love, it is understandable why so many women game their husbands when they get married. 

Hurting other people because you have been hurt is despicable and cowardly to me. Only a wesel sort of person cowers when provoked to anger but slithers about to pounce like a snake on the next innocent, defenseless thing that comes along. 

Do you think these gamers are happy? Sexually satisfied? Feel good about themselves. They may brag to thier buddies but none of the women love them enough to fight for them and the woman use them.. 

Always seeking, planning, worrying about when the next sexual encounter will happen and if she will put on a good performance or if she gives bj and swallows. How many times can he get one before she begins to feel used and stops and or leaves. Or more likely, since these are middle aged men - how will they perform and how long is the plumbing going to work. 

Better to man up and direct your anger at the supposed source, your ex and leave other woman out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes

Catherine602 said:


> Gaming woman - I hate that it is now acceptable to game anyone. Maybe if the male divorce can game random woman because he has been thwarted in love, it is understandable why so many women game their husbands when they get married.
> 
> Hurting other people because you have been hurt is despicable and cowardly to me. Only a wesel sort of person cowers when provoked to anger but slithers about to pounce like a snake on the next innocent, defenseless thing that comes along.
> 
> Do you think these gamers are happy? Sexually satisfied? Feel good about themselves. They may brag to thier buddies but none of the women love them enough to fight for them and the woman use them..
> 
> Always seeking, planning, worrying about when the next sexual encounter will happen and if she will put on a good performance or if she gives bj and swallows. How many times can he get one before she begins to feel used and stops and or leaves. Or more likely, since these are middle aged men - how will they perform and how long is the plumbing going to work.
> 
> Better to man up and direct your anger at the supposed source, your ex and leave other woman out of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Catherine, I am the one who used the term "gaming". If memory serves correct, Scanner never used that term. He certainly plays or at least wants to (I think) but he never used that term. Bad choice of words on my part but I hear what you are saying.


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## Scannerguard

Jeez. . .while I joke around about sex and may seem a bit promiscuous in that I like it (and some of those discussions in the sex forum get very explicit and liberal with values), no. . .I challenge to ever find where I have said that I am judging a woman on her talents to swallow or whatever. I have hardly been promiscuous in my opinion.

If you produce a quote, I will respond to it. Otherwise, the two of you are overprojecting and exaggerating God knows because of what internal insecurities you have.

Now, I have had open discussion on age and dating, and have tried to be honest when giving my opinion. If you don't want it, or you dismiss it, then that's fine too.

If we are going to make this the Scanner-Bashing Thread (and that's actually fine, I can take it) we/you should start another topic and I'll happily participate.

The topic, however, is Communicating and Parenting when divorced.



> But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.


I find it interesting the "hens" at forum could find justifcation and any semblance of logic in the above closing sentence, which about summarizes the whole tirade before that.

I am possibly about to get a job, that will remove me from the kids schedules a lot more, but we aren't to talk about it? Even over email (which I would honestly prefer)?

I guess I am deciding unilaterally then.

To me, "being the best mother you can be" (if you are going to feign that) would mean communicating with children's father *regularly*, not not communicating at all.

Is it your position Catherine et al, that "being the best mother you can be" equals "not communicating with the children's father?"

Because of X, Y, Z?

Seems like a bunch of "female sour grapes" to me, if that's your official position (and reading between the lines of what you wrote, I do think you are advocating two parents not communicating because you have it out for me). And honestly, in my travels, I have seen this *a lot *out of bitter ex-wives. Oh yeah, they'll deny it. . .women are always innocent. Men are guilty. And there's always a justifiable reason.

Or would you care to back up a bit and clarify your position?

You know what? If Miss Represented needed help for haircuts, sports, et al, you know what she had to do? All she had to do was ask. I am very polite and respectful when communicating with her. However, at times, she is like a maniacal animated woman on Jerry Springer screamign about disrespect. I used to absolutely obsess about why she was going on and on about respect, trying to change the tone of my voice, trying to avoid subjects that were inflammatory, unsolicited compliments, walking around on egg shells. Now. . .I don't bother anymore. It's like the women on Jerry Springer running around on stage with issues about respect screamin' "He's disrespectin' me!!!". 

I just scratch my head and turn the channel.

You think that tirade was a boiling point. . .no, she walks around with that amount of rage and resentment ALL THE TIME. She didn't get what she wanted out of life and it's my fault, her mother's fault, whomever. 

I have posted problems here, but never pointed blame.

If she had made a phone call, "You know what Scannerguard? I'm buried here. . .could you take XXXX for a haircut?" I would have gladly done it. Jumped at it usually.

No, I am not humbled. . .I am trying to remain civil and take the high road (which I thought Catherine took the low road here - not you, SA). However, if they continue to attack me, I will counterattack and make no apologies about it. 

I will drag this thread into the mud if that's what the intention of the forum is.

Let's get dirty!

However, I thought your advice to her was really good. If she is stalking me, I wish for her to disengage. None of what I write here or anywhere else was meant for her eyes nor is it "misrepresentative" as she alledges. No, in fact, the more I think about it, the more I conclude I have been 90% spot on.

Why would she even care whom I socialize with and what problems I am posting at on a couple of forums? I write at match dot com I can't live with out my boys and I am guilty of using such a statement to bait women?

I'll have you know the women I have dated have silently complained about how much I am involved and then complained how underinvolved or uninvolved their ex's are (see them very infrequently).

She should have the experience of having an ex-husband completely leave town, or an alcoholic.

I hope she finds someone who will take care of her and her him and they live happily ever after. I honestly mean that. All of that advice you gave her for her behavior was good.

For her and me.

Now, Catherine, would you mind doing the same for me? Just disengage from me. I am not really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who advocates two parents not communicating over children. I'll do the same for you. No hard feelings.

Just disengage from me and dismiss my past opinions that annoyed you.

You are not good for my kids.


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## Catherine602

jeeezze you are a dramatic!! Consider it done. You can put me on ignore so you don't have to read any of my post. Parrothead did and he is happy as can be i am sure.


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## MEM2020

Yes it is good advice and I imagine a good lawyer will be able to argue that the cost of the nanny reduces you actual income.



Scannerguard said:


> I am in line to get a pretty substantial job advancement in my career. I am going on a 3rd interview where they are flying me to actually complete the interview. It's not a slam-dunk yet by any means but I am one of the finalists.
> 
> My caustic ex-wife refuses to talk to me about it until I have the job.
> 
> The problem is this job is going to require travel during the week, when I currently have the kids. It's definitely a career upgrade though so I'll more than likely take it even though my time with the kids will be drastically reduced.
> 
> Oh, she continually tries to impute my income higher than it is (served me again, 6 months after divorce) so this is another reason I will take it. She served me about this along with wanting to see my tax returns, which I refused to produce on demand. I wouldn't mind having a lower paying job (and something I do love) and being aroudn more for the kids, but I realize it's about money nowadays and that's fine. I'm kinda disgusted lately anyway.
> 
> I have been advised to just move forward without her and just get an overnight nanny if I get the job.
> 
> Is this good advice?


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## Scannerguard

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a 23 year old woman tommorrow with a nose ring and tongue ring. She's an an aspiring dancer she tells me.

Can I please have my mid-life crisis with a little bit of my dignity intact? 

(yes, RealBrightEyes, I use humor (or attempt to feebly sometimes) for reasons that go deeper than some cheap laughs. you aspiring psychobabblists can all discuss the merits of that or not  )


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## Scannerguard

Catherine,

Thanks from me and my kids. Good luck to you.

MEM,

My attorney has advised me (i have really come to value his council) that if I email her and she doesn't accept/block/refuses to read that from a liability standpoint, it's on her, not me.

He says all i can do is hold up my end.

He's not a therapist, he's an attorney and I tell myself that sometimes but his advice sometimes actually proves therapeutic for me I am so gd frustrated at times.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Scannerguard said:


> Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a 23 year old woman tommorrow with a nose ring and tongue ring. She's an an aspiring dancer she tells me.
> 
> Can I please have my mid-life crisis with a little bit of my dignity intact?
> 
> (yes, RealBrightEyes, I use humor (or attempt to feebly sometimes) for reasons that go deeper than some cheap laughs. you aspiring psychobabblists can all discuss the merits of that or not  )


No clue how I deserved your vitriol but okay. Your post just made me sad. With the exception of one outburst by me several months ago, I was trying to help you. Apparently I am some sour grapes "hen" and "a female", two derogatory terms IMO and your post is rife with anger towards women.
I wish you well. I wish your ex well and I wish your sons well. Bye.


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## SimplyAmorous

I have a friend right now whose Ex is trying to take her to court over a bogus PFA, he wants his kids -so he can move out of state, emotions run really high when kids are involved. What got them into this mess was mud slinging, uncontrollable blame & nastys texts, and not talking to each other or helping with the kids, feeling when she has the boys on her TIME, he needs to stay away completely, if his time, she is not allowed to ask for them for any reason. They refused to "work" together. Then one night they got into a little wrestling match. She claims he hit her, such a joke, she weighs 105 lbs and he is over 200 lbs. He calls the Police on her. I know it is a joke. 

She is my friend, but even she can admit where she went wrong with him, was a little too ridgid in her dealings with him. Likely this wouldn't have happened if they would have been more respectful of each other in communication, bending a little bit here & there to help the other out. 

What a shame. 

You can only do what you can do Scanner, if you failed her in all of these ways she listed, just realize for her -it was a bucketloud of hurt too. Neither of you can change the past now, but you can learn from it. But you can't work with someone who won't talk to you. At some point, it is wise to put aside the blame. In my opionion, the one who REFUSES to talk is setting a very bad example. 

That will help nothing - but add more court costs, $$ for Lawyers to represent you. And this $$ could be going to the kids. 

I am not talking anyone's side -I just feel they both need to come together. I recall reading one thing Scanner wrote about 5 months ago or so (??) --and it wasn't a "funny" moment but I recall serious ....saying....  having went through all of this, he wouldn't recommend it to anyone and it is not GREENER on the other side, something to that effect. If that makes his ex smile for just a moment, a litte sweet revenge, he wore his heart on his sleeve that day, that all is not wonderful in paradise- for him either. 

I think if he could he would go back & change some things. I don't know. 

I hope the 2 of you can work it all out.


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## Scannerguard

RealBrightEyes,

Please accept my apology; I was angry last night when I checked in and it seemed to be a Scanner-bashing thread about sexuality from some women. I am better this morning.

Again, I'm sorry.

SA,

Yes, I realized I failed her. She made that abundantly clear throughout our marriage and it was a therapist I was seeing, and she refused to go, who basically gave me the green light to divorce. It wasn't for lack of trying. That is why I proceeded to divorce and now she is free to pursue all things she wants in life. Right?

So, what's the problem?

I am no longer holding her back, right? So, what's this all about? I could go into everything she wrote, point by point, and have some pretty good counterpoints (at least I think) but I chose not to. . .because it's in the past as you say and think the forum would be uninterested in immersing ourselves in past drama.

I have just seen this pattern with her and her family - they have lit into me, go into all of our drama, adn then at the end say, "Oh, but it's all about the kids, you know" in some lecturing tone. But then take hte position they won't communicate with me? 

How can I possibly respect that? You can't play that card with me.

If you want my respect, it's not freely earned any more. . .they are going to have to earn it. Yeah, I know. . .I feel conflict on that too. . .shouldn't I just respect her because she's the mother of my kids? Something nags at me inside that I should, because she DOES do so much for them, but there is behavior here that is certainly undermining that basic desire to want to give respect.

I want to respect her, and I did very much up til the separation despite our difficulties, but I just can't now when she's difficult, unreasonable, legally combative, and non-communicative. 

I only respect her as a legal opponent, and I take that very seriously, but not as a partner.

Did you know up untiil it was a done deal I did not know our oldest son was to be going to a different school? It was a wonderful choice, and I applaud my ex-wife for all the work she did in getting him in there, and I would have certainly given it my blessing and all the support I could but don't you think a joint legal custodian should be notified of school changes and at least included? Is that respectful? The examples go on and on.

Yes, you are right. . .I do all I can to prevent divorce here. I do see people jump to that option here sometimes without giving it much thought. 

I would not wish it upon my worst enemy and say that frequently here, without injecting humor at all. I like to be proactive in preventing it and explaining to people that it doesn't solve all your problems.

I don't know, SA. . .I pay my child support, I write her 13-26 post-dated checks at time, I am involved in my kid's lives, I try to make as much money as I can while doing the above, I am rebuilding my life and moving on, I don't interfere in her relationships, online or otherwise. I just did a swim part of a triathlon this weekend (11:38! yay) with some friends and am not even really interested in pursueing a relationship.

I just want this over. . .she's free from me, you know? If I get this job, I'll be around even less - a value added bonus.


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## ClipClop

There are many statements that prove a real condescention toward women but the use of "hens" about sums it up.

I thought your wife's response showed an intelligence and a balance to your "slanderous" statements as well. What goes around....

As for your kids, so much for dedicated dad. If she were so unfit you wouldn't dream of taking a job that leaves them with her even more.

Dude, you could use some therapy to see that the world doesn't revolve around you. Having kids typically does that for most people. Somehow you missed that life lesson.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

ClipClop, I don't think the term "hens" was used in a derogatory fashion, maybe somewhat condescensional - "hen" is often slang for a nosy or intrusive woman, and considering he was feeling attacked by these female commenters who seemed to jump right on the woman's side of things it was, in my mind, a well placed description.

I also have learned over the years that actions speak louder than words, and all we see on this website is the words that people choose to write. So far, Scanner has put up thousands of comments, meanwhile miss represented is in single digit range... yet none of us really know the real truth here, we have to assume both of them are completely credible and genuine, and since Scanner has really been put on the defensive here, I'll side with him, it is his post and he's the one here looking for help.


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## Scannerguard

ClipClop:

Well, I would love to have a "dialogue" on that with my ex-wife. . .the pros and cons of a job that takes me away:

PROS: More Money (which she is trying to impute me for)
CONS: It takes me away from the kids more (but I would be home on weekends)

What's it going to be? (sorry, you can't choose both)

You see, if she's going to continually badger and harrass me for more money and i can assume from her past behavior this is gonig to be a regular "thing", I have to assume there may be a liberal judge out there sometime that may side with her one of these days and ruin me.

So, I would opt for the money in this case most definitely. The money is more valued than the parenting. I get that.

She's not unfit. . .I was merely pointing out that it seems to be the forum's position that not communicating with the father = good parenting. And yes, I can only assume that is uniquely a female position.

Flip it around and I wasn't communicating with her on a medical decision or a schooling decision and the forum would have 92 coniptions.

I actually thought the moderators would have stepped in by now but I guess they are content for this to be a free-for-all. 

I thought the forum rules here were to support each other in our relationships (kids, spouses) but I guess a good fight is therapeutic sometimes too. I was trying to follow the forum rules and when I noticed Catherine wasn't, I asked her to disengage, which she graciously did.

I will post a rebuttal to her post, point by point when I have time - give me a day or two. I may as well, my attorney is requiring me to do that anyway for the latest motion she filed against me.


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