# Solutions...



## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Hi everyone, I have another thread in Sex in marriage (Sex after childbirth), and have another question to ask all of you.

A bit of a rant.....

So far, our sex life is completely in the pits. I finally really sat her down to tell her how her pains and body ailments over the last year have made me feel and affect my day-to-day. She didn't really get it, and I had to really explain it in detail. I'm not upset at her, I'm just frustrated with her physical problems. We've finally gotten her MRI results back and she has a bulging disc in her lower back. Has to be painful as all hell. She's still breast feeding and is on Hydrocodein or something, to help deal with the pain. I seriously feel like I work my A** off for us, and yet she feels like I can still do more to help her. I don't understand what f'ing planet she's living on.

Quick background: 1 1/2 years ago...we had to break our lease, my sister-in-laws parents paid for a small wedding for us so we didn't just have a court wedding, and I pretty much was forced with the decision of either finish school and have a future or be stuck with some crap job. My wife (then gf of 5 years) and I found out she was preg. about 3 months before our wedding date. All of the stressful items above came about due to a company I was dealing with committed fraud and I'm still fighting them, but took me for around $125k....a fairly steep blow to take at 25. Coupled with all of the other issues and the stress of all the negative aspects at the time, I honestly couldn't find a way to be happy about anything (being married, having a baby, going back to school, etc), other than literally work harder and smarter than I ever had in my life to bounce back and prove to myself and to her that I won't be setback in life by this. 

Fast forward to today...I have managed to probably work the job of 3 people in the 1 1/2 years. We moved to a different state on top of it, for me to finish my education(Comp. Sci Major, Math and Physics Minor). I have 1 year exactly, left. (2 reg. full time semesters 14hrs and 12hrs, and 1 full time summer, 6 hrs.). And I'm only doing summer school (2nd time now) because she hates living her. Really pisses me off too, but hey I've told her enough that she has stopped bothering me with it.

My day typically starts between 5-7 am. I get up, have some water and some cereal, and don't waste a minute before starting to either A) study or B) work. I'm seriously trying to learn as much as I possibly can before leaving school so that I can cement our future with a solid company on the west coast and leave all of these financial difficulties behind us.

I don't take naps, I don't take breaks. I typically go to 1 meeting before school starts (and often times I'm 5-10m late to school because of it) and usually have a meeting or two afterwords, usually not getting home until 3-5pm, but sometimes as late as 6:30pm. I still have to find time to actually work on things for my clients after that, as well as find new clients/work, oh and not to mention, do school work and spend time with my wife and son. I really love them more than anything, especially my son. He's awesome. I just am so exhausted by the time I get home. The thought of giving him a bath or cleaning is literally the last thing I feel like doing. I try to do it sometimes, but I'm beat. Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally. So when I do do it, is usually on one of the slightly less grueling days.

I understand that my wife is super tired as well from taking care of our son, but honestly, I don't feel that much sympathy. I just feel that hey, you can take a nap when he does. You can go to the park and hang out. If you choose not to meet anyone while we're living here, I can't help that. I've tried introducing you to people and give you options but you don't try it at all. So I feel that if she's frustrated without having any friends here, it's her own fault. If she's tired, I get it, but you again, have options. I don't.

She knows that this education is crucial to our future, so she knows she can only go so far with things. She knows that I'm running a business that I literally started 1 year ago, and in that time have, while in school full-time mind you, managed to clear over $80k in income, and projecting possibly double that for the next year. BUT, and here's my main problem, I MUST study a new programming language. I need a solid 1-2 months to learn it well enough to develop in it. I've proven that I can work hard and learn this stuff and make money from it. Hell I'm going to school for it, and it's a certified ABET program, so it's not exactly a cake walk. I manage all A's and B's, which honestly, I still can't figure out how, I guess its because I sometimes study until 1am and wake up at 5 or 6am.

I feel that she 'gets' why I work so hard, but doesn't really appreciate or understand the magnitude of how my work has really helped us out, especially in this economy, which I don't think she even REALLY understands how hard it's been to earn a buck in. How I could have easily told her it's too much for me, put our kid in daycare and you go and work and I'll go to school. That wasn't good enough for me though. I can't rest without them having a comfortable life and not having to worry about certain things like, food and clothing and a home. I want her to enjoy being a mother with our son, and to be sure he has the best possible care. I give her a monthly allowance, of no questions asked money. She can spend it as she pleases.

I have an amazing idea that once I can start making it, I'm hoping to clear a minimum of $40k with it in roughly a 2-3 month period, and allow me to substantially increase my hourly rate to existing clientele. But I want to be done with it before I'm done with school in 1 year.

I know that not being in school right now is the best time to study it. I really prefer to study in the morning or mid-morning, but the vibe she gives me when our son is more or less 'whining' and that I'm not jumping up to help her out is really starting to piss me off. I've thought about even waking up at 4am and studying it until 8:30 when they usually wake up. Which is a final option.

So FINALLY to my question. 

How do I get it across to her that I need to study and learn this material?

Do I even bother with trying to explain it to her, and just do my final option as stated above?

I even find that when I study in the day for school and finish, she acts like, 'finally, you're done, now help me'...ugh...

She says do it after our son goes to bed...umm..yeah...9pm studying programming material? I do it at the end of the semester, it sucks a**. My brain is literally fried by that point in the day. I only do it during the semester because I have no other choice, and usually learn the basic concepts during the middle of the day in class, so it's a bit easier.

Any advice welcome


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Wut2Do said:


> Hi everyone, I have another thread in Sex in marriage (Sex after childbirth), and have another question to ask all of you.
> 
> A bit of a rant.....
> 
> ...


I think your wife doesn't show any appreciation to your hard work & every exhausting long day. You had a lot to vent.

Studying & working are extremely stressful. You are doing quite well which is amazing.

After you complete your study, things will become much easier. You need a good celebration.

Your wife needs your support to recover from her illness, it's not her fault that she's sick and being not able to satisfy you. When you're sick, she would be there for you. That's marriage.

She also needs sex, but it's just too painful to have it.

Maybe she can give you a blow job whenever you need to release the beast in you. 

Ejaculation helps release pressure. If you don't ejaculate by your wife sucking it out reguarly, you will have tons of frustration & resentment because you don't feel loved and you don't feel your working your ass off for your family worths a thing. 

You both need to help each other. The day care is really a good idea, so your wife can go to work. When she is tired, she understands how tired you are.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Wow this is a really tough situation!

That's very impressive that you work so hard and are able to do all those things. However, I think that both you and your wife are being a little selfish here. After all, you have a kid to raise, and it seems like you don't want any part in that. I get that you're working incredibly hard to support a family, and if you two were arguing about chores or keeping house I would be 100% on your side. But, the fact is, you have a child, and you are responsible for caring for him. This does not mean making extra money to avoid educational debt--do you think your baby has any concept of that? He needs your love and care, and if you dread going home and bathing him, then that's a sign that your priorities are out of order.

Many people take out student loans to get a degree. Their degree guarantees them a stable job that will enable them to pay off debt. Loans can be good, especially if they enable you to commit to your family and focus on your studies without going off the deep end with stress. I do applaud you for your successful business, and sometimes you need to make short term sacrifices for long term gains. However, I think your short term sacrifices are being made with your son, when they should be made with your business or even with your school.

There's nothing wrong with calming down and spending less time with your business for the time being, and more time with your son. It can be infectious and exhilarating building a new business, but it can feel the same way building a new family. You can put your business on hold (or slow down the time you put in). It will be similar when you pick it up again. You can't do that with a kid.

You're also probably really sleep-deprived, and you need to put a stop to that. If you're only sleeping 5-6 hours per night, all that studying time you're putting in is inefficient and less effective. Sleep for 8 hours per night and put in less study time, and you'll probably do equally well. It sounds weird but it seriously works.


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

lime said:


> Wow this is a really tough situation!
> 
> That's very impressive that you work so hard and are able to do all those things. However, I think that both you and your wife are being a little selfish here. After all, you have a kid to raise, and it seems like you don't want any part in that. I get that you're working incredibly hard to support a family, and if you two were arguing about chores or keeping house I would be 100% on your side. But, the fact is, you have a child, and you are responsible for caring for him. This does not mean making extra money to avoid educational debt--do you think your baby has any concept of that? He needs your love and care, and if you dread going home and bathing him, then that's a sign that your priorities are out of order.
> 
> ...


Well, it's not that I dread going home at all...in fact I enjoy going home to my son. I don't mind caring for him and doing all the parenting stuff. I guess my point was just that there are some days where I just physically can't get moving anymore at 8:30 at night to give him a bath. Do I give him baths, all the time. Do I care for him and change his diaper, yes I do, again quite often. Do I mind it...no I don't. Again, I'm saying that there are days where I am just too physically exhausted at night to do anymore.

I'm not sure if you yourself have ever had debt, but my goodness, I'd rather be dirt poor and have no debt, then have the weight and difficulties of debt hanging over our head. My wife already has quite a lot of credit card debt from years ago, that she has never been able to pay off, that I'm about to. So realize that not working hard and not bringing in a certain income amount literally isn't in the cards. At least not until this CC debt is paid off. 

I also don't believe that there is anything that I would consider good debt. Sure I'm going into a good major, but how about someone who takes out 50k in loans to get a stupid degree in English or History? So I completely disagree with the notion of there being good debt. And the fact still remains that getting a degree doesn't entitle you to a job, and even then, that doesn't guarantee that you'll be paying off those loans. You watch, educational debt is going to be the next bubble to burst. And the worst part is, you can't wipe it out with bankruptcy.

I think that 8 hours actually isn't fully necessary, but probably makes a difference. I've gotten so conditioned to getting less sleep that it'll take some time to try and get myself back into a better sleep cycle.

Regardless, I really appreciate the feedback. It's definitely a tricky situation, and I feel that what we're doing currently isn't working. And change needs to happen so that we re-align ourselves to work together as a team to help each other, and be the best possible parents for our son.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Wut2Do said:


> Well, it's not that I dread going home at all...in fact I enjoy going home to my son. I don't mind caring for him and doing all the parenting stuff. I guess my point was just that there are some days where I just physically can't get moving anymore at 8:30 at night to give him a bath. Do I give him baths, all the time. Do I care for him and change his diaper, yes I do, again quite often. Do I mind it...no I don't. Again, I'm saying that there are days where I am just too physically exhausted at night to do anymore.
> 
> I'm not sure if you yourself have ever had debt, but my goodness, I'd rather be dirt poor and have no debt, then have the weight and difficulties of debt hanging over our head. My wife already has quite a lot of credit card debt from years ago, that she has never been able to pay off, that I'm about to. So realize that not working hard and not bringing in a certain income amount literally isn't in the cards. At least not until this CC debt is paid off.
> 
> ...


Credit card debt is really tough--I didn't realize that you were working to pay that off as well. As far as educational debt goes, I actually think your case is the perfect example of "good debt" if there is such a thing. Lucky for you and your family, you're not going to be a history major living in a box after you graduate  You're working towards a degree that almost definitely _will_ get you a better job, one that makes more, and one that will make it easy for you to pay off the debt. There are a few "good loans" out there (federal subsidized loans and federal grants)...If you apply for financial aid you might also qualify for some scholarship grants. I don't know your situation or if you've already done this, but it's worth a shot to get a few grants if you haven't applied.

I just reread my post and I apologize if I implied that you don't love your son to pieces and enjoy caring for him. It does sound like your job and school stress are getting in the way of you caring for him though. Has your wife expressed interest in staying at home? Do you think she might actually enjoy getting out of the house to work part-time?

Every woman is different, but personally I would get really antsy and bored inside all the time with nothing to do. Taking care of a baby can be stressful, but sometimes women _make_ it stressful to add interest to their lives. I would also feel bad if I stayed home while my husband worked to pay off _my_ credit card debt! Is there any way she could pick up some extra work from home? There are tons of freelance jobs out there (for the English majors who took out those student loans lol) or she might be able to help a little with your business? She could nanny for someone else's kid, that way she could still be with your son but could make some extra cash. How do you think she would react to these options?

Anyway I understand better why you're working so hard. I think it might be possible to compromise a little bit of studying and work though to get more sleep--seriously try this, I'm not kidding--you need at least 7-8 hours per night to function well. Many adults don't realize how much sleep deprivation can influence their work performance. It's also unhealthy and makes you prone to illness and injury (and makes recovering from injury more difficult). That way you won't be so exhausted when you come home, and taking care of your son will be even more enjoyable.


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