# Question for guys that aren't good expressing themselves with words



## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

The other day my husband and I had a huge fight. We don't fight like this often, we usually get along great.

We didn't talk at all the next day. The second day he was off from work and I didn't have to be at work till 4:00. I was looking at a bike rack I got for my car but couldn't figure it out so I put it back in the box & figured I'd wait till my son got home from school & he could help me. Well my husband saw me trying to see how the contraption worked. I was in the bedroom for a little while & he called me to come outside. He put the bike rack on my car for me! Then he took my bike down & had me redo all the straps and put the bike on myself to make sure I could secure everything good on my own because I'd be traveling to trails by myself.

Now my husband is a bit rough around the edges. He's not romantic, but that's fine with me. I love him how he is. He's a great provider and always makes me feel safe. 

My question is, was him putting the rack on my car for me when he saw me struggle his way of saying he was sorry? Or that he loves me? Or both? 

He's not good with words. And the next day he asked me if we were made up. I said I needed to know I matter. He looked at me like I had 2 heads. He said "of course you matter! I love you. You're my wife of 20 yrs!" 

I wanted to hear that and I'm wondering if he thought he did let me know by doing something for me. Or maybe it's wishful thinking on my part.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Both of you need to read The 5 Love Languages. Take the quiz & discuss the results with each other. You are both trying to meet each other's needs, but are missing the boat. 

If he was po'd at you, he would have let you struggle with the carrier. Putting it on car & walking you thru using it was a "act of service" to you. 

Your husband is frustrated. He is probably doing things for you that you are not noticing. He doesn't know what YOU really need. He wants to meet your needs, you made this evident when you quoted him "He's not good with words. And the next day he asked me if we were made up. I said I needed to know I matter. He looked at me like I had 2 heads. He said "of course you matter! I love you. You're my wife of 20 yrs!" "

Best of luck,


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd agree with those that say it's love!

I don't think that he's very confident in showing it to you, but deep down, I cannot help but feel that he loves you!*


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

It sounds like you are married to my brother; who is a welder too. Although he’s only been married to wife #5 for 3 years now. 

He does things like that too. Not just for his wife but for me as well. My brother and I have had a difficult relationship over the years. I will not go into details but me learning that this is how he express love allowed us to get closer.

That book is a good read & will help you understand him better and yourself.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Both of you need to read The 5 Love Languages. Take the quiz & discuss the results with each other. You are both trying to meet each other's needs, but are missing the boat.
> 
> If he was po'd at you, he would have let you struggle with the carrier. Putting it on car & walking you thru using it was a "act of service" to you.
> 
> ...


Thank you FrazzledSadHusband for your insight. I'm going to read The Five Love Languages. I want to make him happy. I think I do most of the time, but there's always room for improvement.

I'll have to read the book on my own. He doesn't read books (his mind wanders & he keeps rereading the same sentence over & has no clue what he read. The only thing he reads are welding, machining, hvac books etc. those things interest him.) he'd also say our relationship is fine & he's not reading any book about relationships. I will just have to understand for both of us.

Also I can't believe I forgot this, but when he said of course I matter and he loves me he also said he made a fool of himself collecting shells with me at 3 different beaches. That right there is love. (We took a road trip last month for our 20th Anniversary and he knows I love the beach & collecting shells. While we were collecting them he told me he feels like he left his manhood back in the car. Lol. But he still helped me find shells). So I guess that is how he shows love.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd agree with those that say it's love!
> 
> I don't think that he's very confident in showing it to you, but deep down, I cannot help but feel that he loves you!*


Thank you arbitrator! I agree. I know he loves me even if (to me) he has a strange way of showing it. I just wasn't sure if this was his way of saying he was sorry or letting me know he loves me after the fight. I think I'm understanding better.

You'd think after 20 yrs I'd have this down. Lol


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> It sounds like you are married to my brother; who is a welder too. Although he’s only been married to wife #5 for 3 years now.
> 
> He does things like that too. Not just for his wife but for me as well. My brother and I have had a difficult relationship over the years. I will not go into details but me learning that this is how he express love allowed us to get closer.
> 
> That book is a good read & will help you understand him better and yourself.


Wow wife #5! 

Thanks for the insight from your own relationship with your brother. I guess that's how my husband shows his love too. I'm going to read that book.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

May work best if you read the book & just discuss certain points with him. Us guys need to be told sometimes - "I need you to spend an hour just talking" or what ever it is you need. I don't drink coffee, but my wife really appreciates it when I have the coffee maker all setup for her before I leave in the morning. Ya could tell him that you require a different mix in life than what he does, to meet your needs, kinda like differences in gas used in MIG welding aluminum vs. steel.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Interesting topic not what I thought.
When I see someone trying to do something they don't understand I'm conflicted, should I help or let them learn by trying. I'm a bit of a natural teacher and I can see myself doing What your Husband did. Avoid the conflict and potential embarrassment by reading the instructions after you have given up and left. Then making sure you can do it yourself. I see this event not as saying he was sorry, or as saying I love you, but as a separate event. But he does tend to say I love you through service so for him this is more likely the case. Very often I get frustrated watching someone struggle with a mechanical or mathematical problem and it is very hard not to wade in and fix it.

Now asking if we are made up makes perfect sense to me. I often have to ask this because I can't tell. In fact I seem to stagger through life, guessing how others feel about me. I can use words OK, but I lack confidence to expose my emotions when it matters most. So I hold back. 

Well this is just wandering. anyway I'm happy that he helped you and asked if things were OK now.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yes, both. And BTW, if you had given him maybe a 1/2 hour or hour to cool down and think either he would have basically forgotten about the whole thing of been ready to further discuss it. We can flame up faster but then we let it go...

We do not think as fast as you.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Both of you need to read The 5 Love Languages. Take the quiz & discuss the results with each other. You are both trying to meet each other's needs, but are missing the boat.


While this is good advice, I wonder well he would go along with it. Can you imagine him reading a book about relationships, taking a quiz about his feelings, and then having discussions about your quizzes?!? I'm picturing his eyes wide and his shocked face frozen in fear when you bring it up 

For a lot of men, they don't have nuanced feelings and don't have a good way to express the feelings they do have. The extent of a man's vocabulary around feelings might be just "bad", "good" or "great", but women can go on for hours about why they feel a certain way. 

Even if he doesn't read the book, it's probably good for you to read it so you can recognize how he expresses his feelings. It's not likely you'll get him to be much more emotional and open about his feelings. He is just not wired that way in his brain. The words aren't there and he can't produce them. But clearly he can do things for you to show he cares, and the rack is a clear an example of that.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Interesting topic not what I thought.
> When I see someone trying to do something they don't understand I'm conflicted, should I help or let them learn by trying. I'm a bit of a natural teacher and I can see myself doing What your Husband did. Avoid the conflict and potential embarrassment by reading the instructions after you have given up and left. Then making sure you can do it yourself. I see this event not as saying he was sorry, or as saying I love you, but as a separate event. But he does tend to say I love you through service so for him this is more likely the case. Very often I get frustrated watching someone struggle with a mechanical or mathematical problem and it is very hard not to wade in and fix it.
> 
> Now asking if we are made up makes perfect sense to me. I often have to ask this because I can't tell. In fact I seem to stagger through life, guessing how others feel about me. I can use words OK, but I lack confidence to expose my emotions when it matters most. So I hold back.
> ...


Hmm I'm not sure he'd help me if he was still really mad. Maybe if he was just annoyed but not really mad. He has a bad temper & people steer clear of him when he's that mad.

He never actually says he's sorry though. At least not with words.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

anonmd said:


> Yes, both. And BTW, if you had given him maybe a 1/2 hour or hour to cool down and think either he would have basically forgotten about the whole thing of been ready to further discuss it. We can flame up faster but then we let it go...
> 
> We do not think as fast as you.


That is exactly what he said. Let him b!**h & get over it and don't come back at him. He said he'll calm down and get over it.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

wilson said:


> While this is good advice, I wonder well he would go along with it. Can you imagine him reading a book about relationships, taking a quiz about his feelings, and then having discussions about your quizzes?!? I'm picturing his eyes wide and his shocked face frozen in fear when you bring it up
> 
> For a lot of men, they don't have nuanced feelings and don't have a good way to express the feelings they do have. The extent of a man's vocabulary around feelings might be just "bad", "good" or "great", but women can go on for hours about why they feel a certain way.
> 
> Even if he doesn't read the book, it's probably good for you to read it so you can recognize how he expresses his feelings. It's not likely you'll get him to be much more emotional and open about his feelings. He is just not wired that way in his brain. The words aren't there and he can't produce them. But clearly he can do things for you to show he cares, and the rack is a clear an example of that.


Lol. That's exactly how it would play out. I just plan on reading it myself. Hubby doesn't read books, especially ones about relationships. And he doesn't discuss feelings. If I wanted to discuss our relationship he'd say "it's good." That would be the end of the conversation.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Welderswife said:


> That is exactly what he said. Let him b!**h & get over it and don't come back at him. He said he'll calm down and get over it.


There you go. Two guys can basically beat the hell out of each other then go out for a beer a 1/2 hour later. No apologies needed. Add a women to the mix and he was going the extra mile to non-verbally apologize .


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

What if you just asked him straight up what you asked us here, about the bike rack as a tacit way of making up? You could tell him you appreciate it, and that you recognize the gesture for what it is, while also communicating that you really need words sometimes (or at least confirmation that you've been heard & understood, if he can't articulate his own side of things).


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

Phil Anders said:


> What if you just asked him straight up what you asked us here, about the bike rack as a tacit way of making up? You could tell him you appreciate it, and that you recognize the gesture for what it is, while also communicating that you really need words sometimes (or at least confirmation that you've been heard & understood, if he can't articulate his own side of things).


He doesn't say he's sorry. He wouldn't admit it I don't think. Those kind of conversations don't work to well with him.

I did tell him I really appreciated that he put the rack on for me. His reply was "no problem."


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Welderswife said:


> He doesn't say he's sorry. He wouldn't admit it I don't think. Those kind of conversations don't work to well with him.
> 
> I did tell him I really appreciated that he put the rack on for me. His reply was "no problem."


Rule # 6 "Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness." 
as much as I've wondered about this rule, I've also taught it to my Daughter / sidekick. Admitting fault is fine. Taking blame is often a mistake.


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## Welderswife (May 30, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Rule # 6 "Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness."
> as much as I've wondered about this rule, I've also taught it to my Daughter / sidekick. Admitting fault is fine. Taking blame is often a mistake.


Never heard that before.
What rule book is this?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

On NCIS Agent Gibbs had a list of rule about 50 of them but they aren't all identified. This one was actually from an old John Wayne movie, so it has a pretty manly pedigree.


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