# Worried she wants to go further than I do.



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

We have been married 10+ years and have always had a close relationship - each others best friend.
About a year or so ago our sex life improved, after years of highs and lows - it became a constant high.
She lost a lot of her inhibitions and became much more outgoing in general.
Some of this we agreed was due to getting off BC and partly due to her age - 40. She seemed to be peaking.
Then her interest in Bondage and BDSM started. I became interested too and we have had a great time learning more about each others turn-on's and limits.
It seems that her biggest turn-on is being dominated. Spankings, being tied up, being used, role-play rape etc.
All are good for me as it ties in with me not being such a Nice-Guy - a few years ago realized I need to grow up and be a man.
So dominating her sexually has seemingly snow-balled into her being even more attracted to me and even greater libido.

But here's what I worry about - and I really don't want to share this with her as it's not real manly - she wants to experience being dominated by others. Not sex but as close to it as you can get without penetration.

I know I know - bringing in others is playing with fire but I don't want this to end and we are communicating so well. Never felt closer to her. 

I don't want to deny her a living out all of her fantasies. And she wants other things but knows we must take baby steps. It seems to me that if we go down this path it becomes more of a lifestyle. 

I'm rambling, sorry but it's so intensely arousing having her open up like this but I don't want to push her away, have things back the way they were or her have an affair to fulfill her desires etc.

I want to be a part of this journey with her - hell I want to take her places myself - but I guess I'm worried. 

So far we went to a swingers club where I tied her up in their dungeon room and she was blindfolded. Next time who knows what might happen. I wasn't jealous at all - it was intense watching her while others spanked her and touched her. 

I guess I need to figure out my limits and let her know - but I don't even know what my limits are!

I guess basically I'm worried if I say something like - no you can't have a threesome for your birthday - it will backfire and our sex life will go back to vanilla. (she's not said that, yet!)

But if I say sure that will be fun and then I either hate it and she resents me. Or we both enjoy it and she wants even more - like a gangbang - which is her favorite porn.

Maybe what worries me the most is that I'm inclined to have no limits in my head. But the reality might destroy us.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You said you realized you needed to grow up and be a man. Well, here's your chance to prove it. Time to put your foot down. She's yours. And you're not sharing. She don't like it? Tough.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

tnhusband said:


> she wants to experience being dominated by others. Not sex but as close to it as you can get without penetration.



Sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into being ok with something that you are understandably and definitely not ok with.

I'd hold firm on this one.

Unless that third person was another chick. Heck, I'm willing to compromise!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Part of dominating is also setting the boundaries and limits.

She is yours. You are the dominant one. Alphas do not share their toys. Not ever.

I see her interest in being dominated by others as a test of your dominance. You fail if you accept another to control her, or use her.

Letting her give her self to others is a very bad step in your relationship,

Remember BSDM is about giving trust to another person. The only person your wife should give that trust to is you.

Btw. Another Dom will see your letting her go with him as you being weak and her open for the taking.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

kindi said:


> Unless that third person was another chick. Heck, I'm willing to compromise!


Wow, you sound like my h...


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Wow, you sound like my h...


I think it's just about every man's fantasy.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Dunno about that, Kindi, but, OP, you have boundaries. You having a good sexual relationship doesn't mean that you have to compromise on everything. Be straight forward- you like being kinky, and you like being kinky with HER' but sharing her isn't on the table.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Part of dominating is also setting the boundaries and limits.
> 
> She is yours. You are the dominant one. Alphas do not share their toys. Not ever.
> 
> ...


Wish I could like this twice. Especially the parts about another dom seeing you as weak and her available for the taking. In reality, letting another dom have access to her, she will also see you as weak and will be more attracted to the dom you gave control to. That is, she'll see you as submissive to the other dom.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kindi said:


> I think it's just about every man's fantasy.


I don't think so. No other person is going to dominate my wife. Perhaps a second submissive is a fantasy. But not a dominant, male or female.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't think so. No other person is going to dominate my wife. Perhaps a second submissive is a fantasy. But not a dominant, male or female.


The fantasy I was referring to was about a male-female-female threesome not necessarily any sort of domination unless you consider two women kneeling in front of a guy and sharing his cum a form of domination which it probably is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kindi said:


> The fantasy I was referring to was about a male-female-female threesome not necessarily any sort of domination unless you consider two women kneeling in front of a guy and sharing his cum a form of domination which it probably is.


Yes, I could definitely get into that.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Your two heads are competing on this one. 
Your brain says - this is a bad idea and I might be opening Pandora's Box here. 
Your d*$k says - don't stop now, and you'll ruin everything if you put the breaks on.

You don't want to lose what you have with your wife sexually - I get it, my sex life isn't that great. But like you've stated a part of manning up is knowing when to say no.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Pure gold




shaggy said:


> part of dominating is also setting the boundaries and limits.
> 
> She is yours. You are the dominant one. Alphas do not share their toys. Not ever.
> 
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Obviously you know what the right thing to do is. Also, you have to consider that sometimes being a good spouse means having the courage to save your partner from himself/herself even if you end up suffering in the end because of it. I don't know much about female hormones and what happens to them when women are on the cusp of the change, but your wife appears to be going down a pathway to destruction that her husband needs to redirect towards the correct path. 

If you elect to tread on this destructive path with her and bring others into your marriage, then on your head so be it. If you think your wife believes that she will only get "as close to having sex without doing it", then the two of you are fools. I think your wife fully intends to make your marriage an open one and is trying to bring you along "gently". Like I said above, I think you need to save your wife from herself right now. JMHO.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Part of dominating is also setting the boundaries and limits.
> 
> She is yours. You are the dominant one. Alphas do not share their toys. Not ever.
> 
> ...


Yes. This.

Tell her she is your and YOU will decide whom will pleasure her. Tell her that you will punish her for having these thoughts. Then spank her.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

One problem I have with this situation, aside from the more obvious ones, is this.... SHE is controlling the tempo of your sexual relationship. She doesn't want a lot of sex, and you're supposed to be okay with that and bend to her will. She does want a lot of sex, and you're supposed to be okay with that and bend to her will. She wants kinky outrageous sex, and, well, you see where this is going.

It's fine for her to share her kinky fantasies. That's a good thing. BUT, shen she starts carrying it too far and acting out fantasies that can be detrimental to the relationship, that is when it has gone too far. It is then time for you, the man, to be a leader in the relationship, and put a stop to it. 

To use an analogy here...she's in control of the cookie jar. She keeps the lid shut, keeping you out. Then one day, she decides she likes the taste of cookies. A lot. And starts gorging on them. She's getting fat and unhealthy. But you, being deprived of cookies for so long, don't care and have done a face plant in the cookie jar yourself, eating for all you're worth, even though you too know it's unhealthy. And you don't want to put the lid back on yourself, because you're afraid if you put the lid back on the cookie jar, she'll take the cookies away again. So you allow her to keep gorging, because damn, you like a cookie every now and then yourself.

Instead, she needs to know you like cookies, won't be in a relationship without cookies :rofl:, but cookies need to be eaten in moderation as well to avoid the unhealthy after effects. 

A good sexual relationship is a balance between what suits the man and woman (hopefully the sides are not far apart, and it works great). A good sexual relationship is not just what's good for the woman, when, how, and where she wants it. A good sexual relationship is too vital to an overall healthy relationship in general. If it steps outside of the bounds of what you're comfortable with (either on the LD side or on the HD, kinky side), it is up to you to put a stop to it. You do that by letting her know what's acceptable, and what's not. And if she's acting in an unacceptable way, you start pulling away and walking if need be. She can catch you, or she can let you go. But start walking, and see what she does.


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## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

Even though I don't post much on here I do have to say this really is a great place for helping our brains digest things and think things through.

SO THANKS FOR ALL YOUR RESPONSES! 

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees...

Surprisingly, to me at least, I got some similar responses on a BDSM forum. A couple of guys warned me this may shut her down like it had with their wives. But then a couple other guys lost their wives to other men in this fashion.

I like the idea about spanking her - so tonight she will be tied up and spanked for having such ideas! Then after we will have a serious discussion about both of our boundaries.

Thanks again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing to be on the watch for in the BSDM community are other males - the place is full of hangers on who want to be a Dom, but don't have any women who want to be with them or trust then enough to go there with them. 

You need to be vigilant to look out for these guys who will either try to be your buddy, or try to be your wife's buddy. They will try to worm their way in anyway they can. Their want is to see if they can snag/shag your wife. There are a lot of creepy folks in the world and there are bunch of them which see a sub as effectively a weak person who they can control if they can just get in far enough.

Be very wary of these people.

Another creepy pattern is the friendly couple which uses the wife to become friends with other couples/women. They'll be super friendly, but you'll find that they really aren't interested in you, but they are interested in a relationship with your wife.

I don't mean to sound all parnoid, there are nice people too, but like anywhere else there is also a group of creepers who you need to on the look out for. However, for someone reason people for some reason in the BSDM world often give the people they meet in it much more latitude when their warning bells go off, and they ignore their gut and let the nasties into their lives.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

What Shaggy says above is very true. There are so many people out there (men and women in any community and lifestyle you can name) who prey on women. You have to protect her. Sometimes even from herself.

Did you spank her? Naughty girl deserved it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't do it.

I really shouldn't have to explain why.


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## MarcyTen (Aug 8, 2012)

She has some of her wires crossed, sir. She wants sexual violence, and you are providing that for her. She is now escalating and asking for sexual violence from a stranger! Are you crazy?! This is not to be taken lightly, and somewhere along the lines she has connected love and intimacy with violence... i would guess that this has something to do with her past and she needs help. This can be fixed, but she needs professional help. seriously. i think you know this! ...


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## MarcyTen (Aug 8, 2012)

Please do not be naive about this. You should be thinking of her welfare, and protecting her. Your marital covenant is about protecting your wife and her heart. A woman's spirit is wounded that would do this to herself... She needs help. She needs you to show her what it is for a MAN to love a woman, not a male to push violence on her in a sexual way and call it love. Please be wise.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Just dont do it man. Just dont.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

BDSM always grosses me out because of the psycho sexual reasoning behind it.
I can't see how letting another man spank or touch my wife could make me feel powerful.
IMO , real power does not come from me saying yes but saying no , and my word preventing anything from happening, because 
I SAID SO.

All males are,to a certain extent dominant in sex. Its natures way.
But how do you explain masochism? 
Why would an " Alpha " derive pleasure from a woman " pegging " him whilst calling him " sissy boy?"
I could understand to a certain extent,a woman wanting to be dominated or 
" switching" ie:wanting to dominate.

The problem with this type of sexual behaviour is that it tends to dehumanize.
My feeling is that its practioners may really be acting out their deep self loathing.

I doubt too,that there are any real " Alphas" in BDSM, Freud once said that,

".....a sadist is always at the same time a masochist, although the active or the passive aspect of the perversion may be more strongly developed in him....."

Any serious couple venturing into this BDSM and such kink, will end up in quicksand......
Just my humble opinion.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MarcyTen said:


> *She has some of her wires crossed, sir. She wants sexual violence, and you are providing that for her. She is now escalating and asking for sexual violence from a stranger! Are you crazy?! This is not to be taken lightly, and somewhere along the lines she has connected love and intimacy with violence... *i would guess that this has something to do with her past and she needs help. This can be fixed, but she needs professional help. seriously. i think you know this! ...


:iagree:

What she is really doing is emasculating him.
She is playing HER role,by being submissive. But in BDSM a sub rarely remains a sub.
Very soon SHE WILL BECOME DOMINANT AND DOMINATE HIM.

All sadists [ people who practice role play in BDSM] are switches. They ALWAYS switch roles.
The " role play" willl escalate OUTSIDE of the " dungeon" and she will permanently dominate him in the relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What she is really doing is emasculating him.
> She is playing HER role,by being submissive. But in BDSM a sub rarely remains a sub.
> ...


Simply not true. First, not all sadists are switches. And if a sadist was a switch, they wouldn't switch to dominant....they would switch to masochist. Second, "people who practice role play in BDSM" is not what "sadist" means. Third, there are plenty of people who never escalate outside of their play time, and plenty that do it with no dungeon required.

In any case, there is nothing in the post at all about HER being a sadist. If anything (besides being a sub) she might be a masochist.


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## MarcyTen (Aug 8, 2012)

tnhusband said:


> Even though I don't post much on here I do have to say this really is a great place for helping our brains digest things and think things through.
> 
> You need to take an honest look at what you are doing and permitting. Hitting your wife and correcting her as if she is a child and making it sexy/loving behavior is reinforcing some twisted and unhealthy things in her [and likely in you].
> 
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Marcy, please stop being so judgmental. BDSM is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle and sexual choice for a married couple. Just because you don't understand it or like it doesn't mean that millions of people around the world are sick and twisted.


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## MarcyTen (Aug 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe, You are probably right. Thanks.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I'm into it. But I am the ONLY DOM. TNHUSBAND, if she is into this lifestyle, it should be alot easier for you to show her who's boss. Just remember, there can only be one. (NO OTHER MEN!)


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## OnlyHis (Aug 9, 2012)

Wow. This is heavy and obviously laden with emotion, which is a GOOD thing! It means you deeply care. One of the sexiest things about my h, and I think most women would say this, is that he DOES let me know what is on his mind... whether I like it or not. I never have to guess if he is okay with something because he will tell me! Now, he is gentle and kind about it, which is essential for me to take his bluntness well. (there is very little he has ever had to put his foot down about in this area...  ) Bottom line: You do need to bring this up to her. Advice from others only goes so far. After 10+ years of being married, I'm assuming you know the best way to communicate with her. Be as real and open with her as possible! If I were her, would want to hear exactly what you posted here. Remind her that you consider her your best friend. With that has come your trust, which is a delicate thing to be handled with care and respect. She says "Not sex but as close to it as you can get without penetration."? Not to scare you, but for a woman that is risky! What kind of emotion is that stirring inside her, you know? It may not be giving her body completely, but what about her thoughts, her emotions? That's a huge part of my personal sexual fulfillment as a female. It is NOT in any way selfish to want that to yourself! It's healthy! In my opinion, and I tend to lean a little more conservatively in this, (take it or leave it) the line you walk between swapping partners (or any partner adding, group sex, etc) and infidelity can be very thin! If it's to be ventured, it must be with complete trust and confidence in the others intentions. Open communication is KEY! This may sound harsh, but I wouldn't settle about this... I strongly believe you should discuss this with her. I certainly wish you the very best and hope she thanks you for your honesty and it brings you closer together as a couple. Sometimes it does!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OnlyHis said:


> Wow. This is heavy and obviously laden with emotion, which is a GOOD thing! It means you deeply care. One of the sexiest things about my h, and I think most women would say this, is that he DOES let me know what is on his mind... whether I like it or not. I never have to guess if he is okay with something because he will tell me! Now, he is gentle and kind about it, which is essential for me to take his bluntness well. (there is very little he has ever had to put his foot down about in this area...  ) Bottom line: You do need to bring this up to her. Advice from others only goes so far. After 10+ years of being married, I'm assuming you know the best way to communicate with her. Be as real and open with her as possible! If I were her, would want to hear exactly what you posted here. *Remind her that you consider her your best friend. With that has come your trust, which is a delicate thing to be handled with care and respect. She says "Not sex but as close to it as you can get without penetration."? Not to scare you, but for a woman that is risky! What kind of emotion is that stirring inside her, you know? It may not be giving her body completely, but what about her thoughts, her emotions? That's a huge part of my personal sexual fulfillment as a female.* It is NOT in any way selfish to want that to yourself! It's healthy! In my opinion, and I tend to lean a little more conservatively in this, (take it or leave it) the line you walk between swapping partners (or any partner adding, group sex, etc) and infidelity can be very thin! If it's to be ventured, it must be with complete trust and confidence in the others intentions. Open communication is KEY! This may sound harsh, but I wouldn't settle about this... I strongly believe you should discuss this with her. I certainly wish you the very best and hope she thanks you for your honesty and it brings you closer together as a couple. Sometimes it does!


^^^^^^^
THAT which is highlighted above , is what few men understand about women.
That is where they make the mistake,and trouble comes into the relationship. 
Psycho-Sexual.
Threesomes , Group sex , BDSM clubs , Cuckold Fetish ,Swinging and these type of sexual activities are borderline IMO. 
They tell a woman on a subliminal level that you are not man enough to fulfil her sexual desires.
If a husband & wife do their S & M stuff at home with no other partners,then one cannot argue against that.
But men, remember you are dealing with a woman's sexual psyche , and even in plain ,old vanilla sex ,it is a complex area

In the story of the " original sin", remember it was Eve who first picked the forbidden fruit,tasted of it , gave it to Adam her husband, and _then_ convinced him to eat it. _What she actually did was take over his leadership role.She was in charge from that moment.Not Adam._
When faced with the consequences of her actions, she blamed Adam.
[Original " blame shifting " too!]


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