# Remorse Vs Guilt



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

As I was trying to work out if my wife was truly remorseful - clearly not if I'm doubting her! I found this...


Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
 A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions).
 Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.
 Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.
 Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.
 Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.
 Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
 Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".
 Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
 Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.
 Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.
 Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.
 Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.
 Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.
 Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
 Guilt leads to self hatred.
 Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.
 Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

The difference between guilt and remorse

I came across this awhile ago, and it really opened my eyes, basically the same stuff you posted above, made me realize that my husband wasn't and still isn't truly remorseful.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Great post! Will definitely keep this in mind to show to my H one day--when he's ready for it. Right now the 180 doesn't really permit this type of discussion, lol. Thanks for posting!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

you are asking for too much Indy.

when i speed thru those "bullets" of yers i see too much neg 
against the cheater.

if i were to fully develop this idea of mine i'd start out with
the premise or hypothesis that cheaters have to go thru
some "process" of their own just as the cheateds do.
i.e., u'll see stages/phases of behavior that u may be directly
or indirectly altering with your input/roleplay or lack thereof.

some cheaters successfully manage the gauntlet, some don't.

compre' ?


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

What about a mix of both? My wife seems like she has a lot of remorsefulness at times, but on other things you mention in the bullets she seems more towards guilt.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

transition?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

ooops....i left out.....

that as the LS, it is HARD for u to be totally OBJECTIVE on 

how/what/whens/wheres of what the DS is doing/thinking/feeling/etc.

can be done, but very difficult to do so.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

paramore said:


> transition?


I hope so. To be honest, she is trying harder then I give her credit for in some ways, and others falling behind and going badly.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Great post! Will definitely keep this in mind to show to my H one day--when he's ready for it. Right now the 180 doesn't really permit this type of discussion, lol. Thanks for posting!


Is the 180 really to blame for your H's 'fog'?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, great post. I'm in awe. The guilt portion describes everything my WH has done to me. He has no remorse for what he's done, he just feels guilt. Every single one of those describes him. Wonder if he'd recognize it if I sent him that list. LOL.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Is the 180 really to blame for your H's 'fog'?


Oh no, it's certainly not; that's not what I meant by that. Honestly I don't think he's in the fog--he just has too much individual work to do before we can even think about talking about us. So I'll be doing the 180 until he's ready...or until I'm done trying.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I bacame the face of her guilt. It were as if she could not bare to look at me without having to accept that she did something terrible. and this was certainly unacceptable in her eyes. From her standpoint throughout her entire life, things happened "to" her, and circumstances were always out of her control. If she had a hand in the outcome in any way that was bad, she would find a hundred reasons why there was to be little or no fault of her own. She could pick up a gun, fire it into my back, and blame me for standing in the way. Hence, removing me from the picture completely, thru divorcing me, is her idea of shedding that guilt of her affair and infidelity. 
I know however, that she still has to look into the mirror every morning.


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## justkate (May 31, 2011)

i wish i'd seen this 4 years ago! my h's respone was definitely guilt rather than remorse and even in the current situation it is guilt not remorse that he's showing.

it does help me see things more clearly.


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