# no more sex in my marriage



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

A few years ago I married my longtime boyfriend, only love and lover in my life. At the start of the relationship the sex was phenomenal. Then years went by and as I got older the love making was amazing. When I turned 24 and him 30 then things changed. It seemed like he just didn't want sex as often anymore. First he blamed it on stress, then stomach issues. Then it got worse. It seemed like we were only having sex every couple months when we used to have sex at least 4 to 5 times a week. I have a very healthy sex drive. It started to tear us apart but we talked about it and it would change for a little while and I loved him so I married him anyway. This lead to a lot of arguments several divorce conversations and now we are right back into the same issues. We have sex once a month twice if I am lucky. I am 28 years old, attractive, active. I buy lingerie, dress up but he constantly rejects me. I feel down on myself but I shouldn't. He holds the cards constantly. I go to school full time working on degree number two, work full time, keep up the house. I offer him oral sex all the time because I enjoy that which none of my fellow girlfriends say, I enjoy sex, pleasing him pleases me. Where have I gone wrong. Why does it feel like divorce or going without are my only options?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

It feels that way because you two are not connecting and he isn't making an effort to meet you in the middle. Is it because he can't, won't, or doesn't take you seriously?

I'd say that the first thing to do is figure out why he is doing this. Is he ill or depressed? Is he watching too much porn? Is he seeing someone else? Is he turned off by something you're doing? Has he checked out of the marriage to some extent because something is not going the way he needs it to go and he doesn't know how to deal with it head on? Do you guys connect on other levels?

Read "His Needs, Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages", and try having a serious heart to heart with him. If he doesn't open up at all, try snooping on him to see if he is cheating. If there is no evidence of another woman, arrange an MC appointment, confess your snooping and your reasons for it and your unbearable frustration and tell him that either something has to change or you two need to split up. He doesn't seem to get how much this bugs you and he needs a wake up call.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Moxy has the right guidance. I think you need to sit him down and talk, express what you are saying to us, but to him. When you have him lying back, as you are giving him oral sex, and have him by the penis, ask him to talk about it with you. He will listen then.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. We have sat down numerous times for serious conversations. At this point he uses no more excuses. He just says he doesn't want sex as often as me and he doesn't know what else to tell me. We work opposite shifts so its not like I'm asking for it 5 days a week here! We connect on other levels so he doesn't see why I want to throw away a marriage for just sex. It sounds like it's not that important to him and he makes me feel like a nympho. I know he's satisfied when we have sex. It certainly feels like he's checked out on that level and on other levels but I correlate that with the sex. He's interested in doing other things such as gaming together or alone. He's always home when I am and he always calls me so I don't feel he's cheating but who knows. He WON"T see a MC. I brought that up numerous times. He tells me sex problems don't ruin marriages. However he's wrong. My needs aren't being met, I feel really disconnected from him and we have had no physical contact for over a month so I feel like I am living with my sibling right now. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore hence the reason I'm on the internet now... he gets aggrivated and angry. I just feel hopeless.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Move out or kick him out for a while and tell him that it's about the sex.

You're not getting through to him. He needs to know you're serious. And you have to be seriously willing to part with him if he doesn't change.

I guarantee he ejaculates at least five times per week. He probably enjoys the simplicity of masturbation. Or he's cheating on you, but you don't think that's the case. It's very possible he's just jerking off too much.

Pack him a couple of bags and tell him to get out for a few weeks. Next step is separation.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

So he wants to be your buddy but not your romantic partner?

Time for step 2. Figure out what is going on on your own.

When my stbxh was acting like this, he was cheating. Of he refuses to talk to you, I suggest trying to figure out if porn or other women are in the picture. His sex drive is going somewhere, just not to your backyard. 

Start with a VAR and Keylogger. Check your phone records to see if there is any weird texting or calling. Check your web history.


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## Gaming Your Wife (Jun 16, 2011)

RELIC, This forum is a place where we come to help one another with their sexual problems.I can't believe where you come from?
Telling OP that she should Move-Out, That he could be Cheating, That she should Separate,That He's Jerking- off,Masterbating, Just because he's not taking care of his wife.
What advice do you have if it was the other way around.Maybe the husband should do more house work, Or cuddle more, Be a good listener. Give me a break.You need to hear both sides of the story before you be so harsh on the guy


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

moxy said:


> So he wants to be your buddy but not your romantic partner?
> 
> Time for step 2. Figure out what is going on on your own.
> 
> ...


He certainly is my best friend. He's got it easy and I do to don't get me wrong. He helps in the house most of the time and we both work. I have a little more on my plate with school which he underplays but whatever. I cannot spy on him. He's a super computer hacker from way back. He's locked up tight. I've often wondered if he watches porn. Heck I'm the one who has to satisfy myself when my husband is in the other room gaming. I don't mind if he watches it. I feel its healthy to an extent if everthing else was on track. I always thought women were the ones who didn't want sex and had to make up excuses. Though I don't feel its right. I suppose I could check the cell phone records but thats all I would have. He's very closed in. The sudden change in drive is the only thing that has me thinking he could be unfaithful. He was a very sexual and adventurous person. Why get married to me though if you didn't want ME sexually? I don't get it. He seems honest and genuine in every other way. This thing has us at each others throats so much lately. I've even moved into the guest room. He thinks its because he snores and likes it colder. He's clueless.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

People cheat for all kinds of reasons. If he's doing so, it's probably more about some void he's trying to fill in himself than about you. My stbxh was also my best friend and that's why I miss him even now. I don't think your H wants to hurt you intentionally, but for some reason, this aspect of himself is restricted and you don't have access, even though you once did and that's shady.

My suggestion to look into the porn question isn't so much about porn itself, but whether it has become an outlet that is taking the sexual energy away from the bond between the two of you. I don't have a problem with porn, either, unless it takes the place of real sex between me and the person I'm involved with. I suggest looking into it because it might just be something that is conditioning him to jerk off instead of being with you -- lots of novelty, no boredom, caters to his own pleasure without requiring him to take care of anyone else's.

My stbxh was also adventurous and high-drive before we married and it was one of the things that I loved. I am a high drive person, myself, and I'm very open-minded. But...our sex became almost absent and all he had to say about it was that he just wasn't in the mood. It was true, in the end because he'd satisfied his appetite elsewhere. However, the sudden change tipped me off that something wasn't right. If he's usually a high drive kind of guy and suddenly uninterested, I'd look to see what outlet he actually IS using. That's all I mean. 

If he's high tech, then try a hidden nannycam pointed toward his computer space? He might be less likely to notice. Or, a small VAR in the area. Might get you some sense of whether or not he is cheating. If he isn't, then the next step is to tell him how frustrated you are and that you were driven to check up on him because you were not getting any answers; I think that whatever info you find, you should let him know that you checked up on him because secret spying isn't generally a healthy thing and is only a good idea when you're trying to uncover deceit in order to make a decision.

If he doesn't want to change things, he won't. Your only options are to accept it or leave. The alternative is trying to understand it to see if you can convince him to work on the problem with you. Ultimately, though, you cannot force him to be into you when he isn't.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

If you can't say 'fix this problem or I am leaving' and actually mean it, he won't change. There is a problem, whether it is hormonal, he is cheating or it is psychological, and the onus is on him to sort it out.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> He WON"T see a MC. I brought that up numerous times. *He tells me sex problems don't ruin marriages.* However he's wrong. My needs aren't being met, I feel really disconnected from him and we have had no physical contact for over a month so I feel like I am living with my sibling right now.


Have him come to this site and take a look at all of the posts of unhappy marriages as it relates to sex or the lack thereof. If that doesn't convince him then you've got a real serious problem.


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## ComplicatedIntanglements (Nov 2, 2012)

I am the male in my relationship with my wife. My wife is a fantastic and loving partner but, like your husband I am the one dissatisfied. I'm more satisfied since we started talking about it though. The process of it turns me on in a big way.

HOWEVER, I have been embarrassed to say what "I" need because I feel like a pervert for wanting it. Recently spanking has been a turn off for her but it was a BIG deal for me to share it. She is so shy and I have never shared that I wanted it, not with her or anyone. 

It isn't just that either though. It's VARIETY. I can get turned on by porn, by research, by touching eachother in new and exciting ways, etc, and often by watching her enjoy SOMETHING/ANYTHING. I don't know what to do either. I would get turned on watching what SHE enjoys. However, the only option for her is traditional penetration, which is not a huge turn on for me.

THEORY:
Men and Women are just DIFFERENT. We should embrace those differences and talk about them. We should go after what we want as opposed to running from what we don't.

I hope you get what you want from your partner. Have you ever introduced porn into your relationship for 'yourself' and asked him to join? Just a thought, though perhaps a perverted one.

-dazed and confused


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> He tells me sex problems don't ruin marriages. However he's wrong. My needs aren't being met, I feel really disconnected from him and we have had no physical contact for over a month so I feel like I am living with my sibling right now. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore hence the reason I'm on the internet now... he gets aggrivated and angry. I just feel hopeless.


Sounds like there are two problems.

1) Your husband is not attracted to you sexually. If you can't make him want you over porn or games or whatever else he is doing then give up hope. Porn and video games are great but sex is WAY better.
2) You are married to someone who doesn't know the first thing about marriage. Literally. Sooner or later he is going to have to learn how have a healthy marraige. This has to come from him, not you. Putting the fear of losing you in his mind might make him start.

It also bothers me that you don't know whether he looks at porn. My wife and I both look at porn on our own and we don't have to share everything but it's not a taboo subject. Nothing sex related should be taboo between a husband and wife.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

east2west said:


> Sounds like there are two problems.
> 
> 1) Your husband is not attracted to you sexually. If you can't make him want you over porn or games or whatever else he is doing then give up hope. Porn and video games are great but sex is WAY better.
> 2) You are married to someone who doesn't know the first thing about marriage. Literally. Sooner or later he is going to have to learn how have a healthy marraige. This has to come from him, not you. Putting the fear of losing you in his mind might make him start.
> ...


He knows that I have looked at porn, I have no problem telling him what my sexual desires are. It makes me feel embarassed that he just brushes them off as I am not just a run of the mill missionary girl and he never seemed to be that kind of guy either. Looking back now that you say he's may not be interested in me sexaully...I can see this may be a posibility. It hurts but I can't make him want me if he doesn't. I have tried everything. Even when he makes demands of me and I do them, he still rejects me. I mean what is that about?


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

If he's high tech, then try a hidden nannycam pointed toward his computer space? He might be less likely to notice. Or, a small VAR in the area. Might get you some sense of whether or not he is cheating. If he isn't, then the next step is to tell him how frustrated you are and that you were driven to check up on him because you were not getting any answers; I think that whatever info you find, you should let him know that you checked up on him because secret spying isn't generally a healthy thing and is only a good idea when you're trying to uncover deceit in order to make a decision.

If he doesn't want to change things, he won't. Your only options are to accept it or leave. The alternative is trying to understand it to see if you can convince him to work on the problem with you. Ultimately, though, you cannot force him to be into you when he isn't. [/QUOTE]

I found out some things today snooping through emails and browsing history. I don't like liars. My ex-stepfather was one. hence the ex. I have had that conversation with him before too. Even little lies lead to bigger lies. He spends a lot more time and money on games than he tells me and he hasn't been honest about some things. I guess I need to kick into suspicious mode...I didn't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. Who the hell wants to game or watch porn when your hot willing wife is waiting for you in bed? I thank you for all your input and insight and I am sorry for your similar situation but am thankful I can relate to someone for a change.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> He knows that I have looked at porn, I have no problem telling him what my sexual desires are. It makes me feel embarassed that he just brushes them off as I am not just a run of the mill missionary girl and he never seemed to be that kind of guy either. Looking back now that you say he's may not be interested in me sexaully...I can see this may be a posibility. It hurts but I can't make him want me if he doesn't. I have tried everything. Even when he makes demands of me and I do them, he still rejects me. I mean what is that about?


Him being not attracted to you sexually does not mean that you aren't sexually attractive. It could be a hormonal problem on his end, for example. But there are actions he can take to fix those things. If he is making demands of you and you are meeting his demands, then he has you right where he wants you. He gets what he wants and doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want. Why should he change?

You say you discussed divorce a few times but then didn't follow through on it, and are being now more compliant towards him than ever. So he knows you were bluffing. If you through another fit like that he will just run the "lay her a few times and then go back to normal" play. Or not even because he doesn't take you seriously.

He needs to feel you pulling away from the relationship to give him the kick in the a$$ that he really needs. If it works then great and if it doesn't, well, you just keep pulling away.

What are his "stomach issues"? That could be the problem, but it needs to be treated so that his drive recovers.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

His stomach issues have pretty much been resolved after doctoring and tests. Now his excuses are he's tired or I can't even remember what else other than "does it always have to be about sex with you?" If I get upset due to rejection he doesn't understand. He says can't we just have an evening without sex. My reply should be we do, every day! He gets mad because I get mad. He says I always ruin the evening because I'm not satisfied with just doing other things besides sex, which is totally not true. I love gaming with him, watching movies, making dinner together, going out with him. Normal things, however sex is also a normal activity.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

ComplicatedIntanglements said:


> I am the male in my relationship with my wife. My wife is a fantastic and loving partner *but, like your husband I am the one dissatisfied*. I'm more satisfied since we started talking about it though. The process of it turns me on in a big way.
> 
> HOWEVER, I have been embarrassed to say what "I" need because I feel like a pervert for wanting it. Recently spanking has been a turn off for her but it was a BIG deal for me to share it. She is so shy and I have never shared that I wanted it, not with her or anyone.
> 
> ...


I didn't think my husband was the one dissatisfied here. I am sorry that you are. His favorite phrase is not tonight and I have never uttered those words. I am ready all the time. It seems that a lot of relationships have two sexually incompatible people in them. I would almost kill at this point for my husband to open up to me about his wants and desires sexually and give me a "light spanking". Porn isn't an option for me. Not my cup of tea with someone else, maybe on my own but I'm tired of that. That in my opinion is what the hubs is for. To replace the computer and the vibrator. Getting him in on it sometimes may be ok but its not a fantasy of mine. I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated if you've found someone you love. I thought that was the key. I hope you guys have better luck talking everything out.


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## ComplicatedIntanglements (Nov 2, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> I didn't think my husband was the one dissatisfied here. I am sorry that you are. His favorite phrase is not tonight and I have never uttered those words. I am ready all the time. It seems that a lot of relationships have two sexually incompatible people in them. I would almost kill at this point for my husband to open up to me about his wants and desires sexually and give me a "light spanking". Porn isn't an option for me. Not my cup of tea with someone else, maybe on my own but I'm tired of that. That in my opinion is what the hubs is for. To replace the computer and the vibrator. Getting him in on it sometimes may be ok but its not a fantasy of mine. I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated if you've found someone you love. I thought that was the key. I hope you guys have better luck talking everything out.


Thank you. We are having GREAT luck talking. We have been married for 7 years and just now made our first trip to the drug store to find lube with both like. Amazing. It might be a stretch to say that porn helped. We did watch some together but when we went looking for vibrators for her to have fun with, we watched some videos of women pleasuring themselves. That was a pretty good spark to us. To think that it took us 7 years to get to the drug store is amazing! We are on our way to talking though and I agree that is the best medicine. I told her for the first time that I had felt ashamed masturbating and we even had a fight over it. Somehow it seems to be working out.

-still dazed and confused, but a glimmer of hope


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