# Need Thanksgiving advice



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

First, please do not comment if you are just going to ask why I haven't left yet. I've already heard those replies and taken them to heart and am planning to leave him when circumstances allow. But, I also want to give my marriage any chance it has of surviving. 

Some of you know my story. Very quick recap. Married a year and a half. Sex 3 times since we married. Haven't had sex since October 2010. He quit sleeping in out bed a few nights a week from then til December 2010 and then full time on the couch. Never seemed to have a real reason, even when I fought for him to come back into our bed. I've threatened divorce. I'm looking into divorce. Now, he comes back to our bed, but nothing more. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't ever open up to me emotionally. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who he has shut out of his life. We tried mc, but it was a disaster. He did some personal counseling, but then declared himself "fixed". Counselor says he is very codependent on me. Because of circumstances, I can't move out until January, so I am giving it that time to see if things improve at all.

So, Thanksgiving is this week. We are supposed to travel to my brother's home out of state for the holidays. My h's family doesn't ever do holidays and he doesn't really talk to any of them anyway, but his dad. My family has become his only family pretty much. So, I've planned to travel with him and spend the holidays with him. However, this weekend we went out to listen to a band and dance. And then everything went sour again. He got cranky, and wouldn't dance. I went out and danced by myself to the music, hoping that would make him join, but it didn't. He ended up getting angry and going out and sitting in the car. Said people were "touching him". He was angry because people kept bumping him and being rude and he just couldn't stand it anymore and was going to get into a fight. That was his entire reason. And then was mad because I didn't leave when he wanted. Hasn't talked about it since. Sat around most of Sunday and did nothing on his day off. Just laid on the couch. I told him Saturday night that maybe I should just go to my brothers alone and he wouldn't even respond. Won't respond still. I tried to talk to him about it this morning, but he just gives me the silent treatment and won't respond to anything. Still seems to think he had all the right in the world to be angry Saturday night because people were "rude". I just need to be away for the holidays, and not ruin it with his moodiness and us fighting. I need a break from him. He doesn't seem to get it that I am already planning to leave in January, no matter how many times and how many ways I tell him. He seems to think it's all ok if he buys me a nice gift, or makes me a romantic dinner, but there's still no sex, no opening up, and no working on changing. He needs help. He needs counseling. Maybe even medication. And not just a month or two of talking to someone. That's my personal opinion.

I'm afraid to go and leave him for the holidays. He will be alone, depressed, angry. I tried to leave him alone for the holidays last Christmas, and he cried and cried, and by the time I got to my parents I was so worried about him that I called and made him come to our house. He's threatened suicide before but then goes back and says he'd never do that. I know that this is somewhat his way of controlling me, by making me feel sorry for him. But, I still can't just ignore it.

Also, if we do end up working things out, I don't think he'll ever forgive me for leaving him alone for the holidays. He really wants to go to my brother's and see my niece. 

So, any advice? Any thoughts? Anyone dealing with the same thing?? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading if you are still with me. It's therapeutic just to get my thoughts down in writing.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you can go to your brothers and enjoy yourself - than you should go.


If you go to your family's and worry, or spend time on the phone with your husband wondering what he's doing than you shouldn't.

If you convince him to go and he is going to do nothing more than mope around, and make you feel guilty or uncomfortable, you shouldn't go.

Anything other than option 1 and he IS controlling you.

I am only cursorily familiar with your background. How seriously ill is this guy? You describe some pretty severe mental conditions, is he seeing anyone or on any kind of medication?


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

You are up in the air about your marriage, but at this point, he is still your husband and deserves to be included with your holiday decisions. Leaving him alone on a holiday would just be cruel and selfish.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Deejo said:


> If you can go to your brothers and enjoy yourself - than you should go.
> 
> 
> If you go to your family's and worry, or spend time on the phone with your husband wondering what he's doing than you shouldn't.
> ...


It wouldn't be "convincing" him to go....I know he wants to go. The difficulty is that I don't have any desire to spend that time with him anymore.

As for mental conditions, nothing has been diagnosed, but I'm starting to worry more and more about what he's dealing with, and what I'm dealing with in him. He claims he talked to the counselor about medication and they said he didn't need any, but I've also been with him when we tried mc and I know he doesn't tell all. I understand it's difficult to open up to a stranger, but he can't even open up to me about anything and I'm his wife. Even if he decides to work on this, I don't know if I can give him all the time he needs to make these changes.

I definitely won't be me on the phone with him. I have no problem not talking to him on the phone because he won't talk anyway. he just gets upset and gives me the silent treatment as usual. I just worry about him being depressed. I know that isn't my worry, that's his problem, but I amthe type of person who thinks about those things.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Mindful Coach said:


> You are up in the air about your marriage, but at this point, he is still your husband and deserves to be included with your holiday decisions. Leaving him alone on a holiday would just be cruel and selfish.


I understand what you are saying. That's how I kind of feel about it. But, is it truly selfish when I NEED time away from him? Or we NEED time away from each other?? Although he won't ever admit it, we are very volatile with each other at this point. And, he will never admit that he needs some time without me.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, Thanksgiving was going pretty well, despite his short bouts of moodiness. However, last night, he got completely drunk and passed out on my brother's bathroom floor. Didn't even make it to the bedroom until I went and woke him up and made him get upstairs. Kind of embarrassing. I'm sure he is embarrassed, too, but he won't say anything. Has been pretty much non existent today. Cranky. Ignoring me, like it's my fault. Now, he finally wants to go out and do something and I have really no want to be around him in this mood. Fun, fun, fun.


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