# Wifes aggressiveness.....



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Wouldn't call it physical really its just sometimes I think she overdoes it sometimes. Sort of treats me no way like you'd treat someone else.

Shes got no patience whatsoever is the main problem. If she wants to get somewhere and I'm in the way, on the odd occasion if shes in mood she will just barge past rudely. If I've got something, she might ask for it, if Im too slow for her she will snatch it our of my hand. If I'm sitting on something accidentally she will rip out as hard as possible.

Tried to explain to her this is bad behaviour but her argument is always well it didnt hurt did it? Not cool imho.

Tried to explain that she wouldnt like it if I did the same and she should treat people like she wants to be treated.

Maybe I'm overblowing it a bit but it seems that something like this if the roles were reversed, the next step is a husband grabbing his wifes arm and pulling her etc. I dunno it just doesn't sit right with me.

The way she just thinks theres nothing in it and shes done nothing wrong. I just think of a guy sitting there, giving his wife a slap and they saying, its was nothing, it didnt even hurt, suck it up.....

Hmmm.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

want to stop it?
Next time BLOW UP.
Don't let her rude behavior go.
BLOW UP.
If you do it strong enough, she'll think twice the next time. These are all s-it tests.

Just go against your natural instincts and BLOW UP at her.
Be out of character. Shake her tree. The bad fruit will fall out.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

kennethk said:


> want to stop it?
> Next time BLOW UP.
> Don't let her rude behavior go.
> BLOW UP.
> ...


I have done in the past and gone mad but it just causes a huge argument. But I feel I owe it to myself not to let her get away with it anyway.

I do that a lot. Feel I need to force myself to kick off because a lot of the time I just cant be bothered and want less hassle.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bob,

All of your threads have a similar flavor. They all share a theme which is: my wife treats me very badly/isn't a good wife 

Given that, why did you just sign up for another 18 years with her by having a second child? 

She sounds like an angry, unhappy person who tolerates you because you pay the bills. 

She definitely doesn't respect you. And you apparently have absolutely no idea why she feels that way. 




bob1471 said:


> I have done in the past and gone mad but it just causes a huge argument. But I feel I owe it to myself not to let her get away with it anyway.
> 
> I do that a lot. Feel I need to force myself to kick off because a lot of the time I just cant be bothered and want less hassle.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Bob,
> 
> All of your threads have a similar flavor. They all share a theme which is: my wife treats me very badly/isn't a good wife
> 
> ...


Maybe but its where we're at now isnt it?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Maybe but its where we're at now isnt it?





bob1471 said:


> Wouldn't call it physical really its just sometimes I think she overdoes it sometimes. Sort of treats me no way like you'd treat someone else.
> 
> Shes got no patience whatsoever is the main problem. If she wants to get somewhere and I'm in the way, on the odd occasion if shes in mood she will just barge past rudely. If I've got something, she might ask for it, if Im too slow for her she will snatch it our of my hand. If I'm sitting on something accidentally she will rip out as hard as possible.
> 
> ...


Let's wander through the decision tree!

Given where you're at, it either bothers you, or it doesn't. Having authored multiple similar threads, I say bothers bob1471.'

Next decision point- does it bother you enough to change to try and make things less bothersome?

The answer to this one is not clear. If it is not worth changing, which seems to be the case based on, well, a lack of changing, then pretty much all you can do is keep getting cheap sympathy from internet strangers.

Not a great solution.

So Ima give you a whole RANGE of solutions, and you can pick and choose and use and confuse (your wife). At the end of this post, YOU, bob1471, will HAVE THE POWER.

Beta responses (IMHO, of course)-
1) Insist on talking about things that bother you, try to get her to see things your way.
2) Tit-for-tat. If she pulls something out from under you while you're sitting on it, find an opportunity to do the same to her.
3) Silent treatment for wrongs she inflicts on you.

Greater Beta responses-
1) Brace yourself when she tries to push past you rudely. Feign ignorance when she gripes at you for not getting out of the way.
2) Proactive Tit-for-tat. Pull something out from under her, just to piss her off. Apologize insincerely when she gripes at you for behaving like a lout. Feign ignorance if you can keep a straight face.
3) Do fewer chores. Feign ignorance when she gripes at you for not helping more around the house.

Alpha responses-
1) When she pushes past you rudely, slap her on the ass playfully and tell her how hot she looks. Or squeeze her on the ass, and tell her to rub up against you again. Laugh at her and walk away when she gripes at you for being fresh.
2) Giggle right after she pulls something out from under you that you were sitting on. Tell her 'thanks,' because you just farted on whatever she grabbed. Ignore her when she gripes at you for being gross.
3) If you are holding something you think she is going to rip out of your hands impatiently, either place it in front of your groin and leer at her, or toss it to her and order her to go do whatever you think she was going to do with it anyway. If you're too slow and she rips it out of your hands anyway, well, both her hands are occupied. Time to GRAB THAT ASS AGAIN.
Laugh and walk away when she gripes at you for not being a more thoughtful and sensitive husband.
Or wink at her and ask her if she could come into the bedroom and do a little dance for you.

I think you know what you must do.

It involves grabbing some ass.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I don't know about "giggle" being part of an Alpha response.

She sounds like someone that always has to win every argument. If you yell, she'll just yell louder. If you storm off, she'll storm off longer, etc.

Have you tried telling her that she acts like a mean ugly battleaxe, and it makes you hate the sight of her?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is real easy. Advise the W she needs to sign up for class that help with anger issues. She shows anger and does not know how to cope/control these issues. You are her primary target. Advise, until she gets help, you want no parts of the continued relationship. Anger management. Appears she needs it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your fault. You let someone treat you that way and choose to do nothing about it then you get what your getting and it's only getting worse.

That kind of behavior should have been nipped in the bud from the get go but you let her shove you around and now it's a way of life for her. 

You have a mouth, open it up and fire away. Big damn deal if it causes a argument. She needs to be told that her behavior stinks and the longer she gets away with it the worse it will get although I think your way past getting her to break her habits unless you stick to your guns and stop rolling over and playing dead.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Another viewpoint: Her aggressiveness may be a response to a. your passive aggressiveness or b. your lack of awareness of your surroundings.

You've been married 20 years. By now you should know that standing in the middle of the traffic flow is rude. Unless you have zero peripheral vision, move when she is coming toward you. This is common courtesy. She is probably tired of having to ask you to move aside.

When she asks for something you are holding give it to her or tell her when you will relinquish it.

Look before you sit down.

Yes, her manner of dealing with these annoyances can be improved just as your manners can be improved.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Wouldn't call it physical really its just sometimes I think she overdoes it sometimes. Sort of treats me no way like you'd treat someone else.
> 
> Shes got no patience whatsoever is the main problem. If she wants to get somewhere and I'm in the way, on the odd occasion if shes in mood she will just barge past rudely. If I've got something, she might ask for it, if Im too slow for her she will snatch it our of my hand. If I'm sitting on something accidentally she will rip out as hard as possible.
> 
> ...


It's a circular problem. She's doesn't respect you because you're second guessing and letting her away with these passive aggressive jabs driven by resentment. When you take it that just makes her respect you even less and resent you more and she will be more and more outright ugly to you. 

You absolutely teach people how to treat you by taking away their choice to treat you disrespectful and still be around you. So it sounds like overkill for little slights to be show stoppers but that is exactly what men and women who are respected by those around them do. When you make that choice to not allow her to do this then she has exactly two options. Option one is for her to change. Option two is that she doesn't change and she's no longer with you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sign up for the Dr Phil Show. Dr Phil will set you guys straight. He'll explain to you what a loser husband you are and then send an army of therapists down on top of your poor put-on wife to help her through her emotional problems while you get sent to the soda machines to buy her a Diet Coke.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Bob1471

Keep calm at all stages please, take the advice from previous posters but please keep calm at all stages. Beware of being accused of reverse Domestic Violence, this is a favourite trick of women these days. (Note to self, prepare to be attacked by women who say that this does not happen, I can assure you it does). Hoping that everything works out for you.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have to say that so-called "beta" responses sound like "passive aggressive" responses, while the so-called "alpha" responses sound simply like an adult adding humor to a situation to diffuse it and turn it to his advantage. 

OP, your wife's insistence that "it didn't hurt, did it?" suggest that she has narcissistic tendencies beyond those that we all have. So does the whole "shout louder if you shout" part. 

If the humor efforts don't work, do some research and decide how you will choose to move forward with such a partner. Re-framing your own understanding of your marriage is one possibility (hint: it's not a true partnership; you have to adjust to living with someone who has a mild-perhaps-personality disorder and is somewhat mentally ill). Or you can decide that now that you understand what you got into, you can leave. It comes down to how you view marriage--a civil contract which she has breached, or a holy union only God can undo.

I have a child with an attachment disorder that manifests itself much like NPD. Once I understood that, living with her has gotten so much easier. Humor works well with her. My efforts went from showering her with love, love, love (didn't help change her behaviors at all), to fighting back (didn't help change her behaviors at all), to approaching her with humor and understanding (she's triggered a lot less often). I felt like such a failure, that I could not teach her more appropriate behaviors--but now, after 13 years (her age) and a couple of years of this changed approach, I can see progress. She said "I love you," and kissed me completely voluntarily for the first time ever, just yesterday. I would have cried but I knew that would trigger her, haha. 

Anyway, my experience makes me wonder if NPD is a manifestation of an attachment disorder--and make no mistake about it, an AD does not come only with adoptees! (My daughter was adopted). Being raised in any type of dysfunctional home can lead to it, for example, or childhood illnesses that required long hospital stays and pain a parent couldn't fix--just two examples. The good news is, IF attachment is the underlying "cause," THEN humor might really work. That's just my experience, and YMMV. Good luck!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife was really bad like this a couple of years ago - I could do nothing right and she'd blow up over the stupidest things (didn't park in the correct spot, kids diapers not cleaned correctly, etc etc etc). I was way too passive, and finally last year I started yelling back (not as much as I should, but did it good a few times). Trust me, it works. I wanted to show that I was the reasonable one who didn't get worked up over dumb stuff, but that didn't work (and I'm dealing with a woman that's as mature as a middle school child). Best to blow up when she's really out of line - don't get abusive, but let her know her behavior isn't acceptable.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

You have to show consequences to her actions. This should have been stomped on the very first time it happened. Remind her of your potential for confrontation. Ugly arguments? No need, all you need is for you to plainly demonstrate that you don't have to be with her. That your worth as a man gives you choices. That she is just one choice. 

If you can't pull it off, fake it until you make it.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

NotLikeYou - you're a genius! Seriously, Bob, use that Alpha list. She'll flip her damn lid first, then she'll "get it" by example of "rude" behavior. 

If that fails, step right up into her personal space, look her flat in the eyes and say, very low and strong, "you will NOT treat me like that."


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

BrutalHonesty said:


> You have to show consequences to her actions. This should have been stomped on the very first time it happened. Remind her of your potential for confrontation. Ugly arguments? No need, all you need is for you to plainly demonstrate that you don't have to be with her. That your worth as a man gives you choices. That she is just one choice.
> 
> If you can't pull it off, fake it until you make it.


You absolutely do not have to accept that kind of behavior. There are layers to her behavior that need to be eradicated short of getting rid of her. Two excellent tools for defining poor behavior and battling it are Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support (for definitions) and the book Boundaries by Townsend.

I saw lack of patience, intimidation, belittling, disrespect, etc.... each one will have to be addressed specifically, very intentionally and quite firm.

How old is she?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

LastsGal said:


> NotLikeYou - you're a genius! Seriously, Bob, use that Alpha list. She'll flip her damn lid first, then she'll "get it" by example of "rude" behavior.
> 
> If that fails, step right up into her personal space, look her flat in the eyes and say, very low and strong, "you will NOT treat me like that."


LastsGal, you're too kind, but I thank you for the compliment anyway!

Based on the lack of followup by our hero, it appears that either the "doesn't bother Bob1471 enough to change" fork of the decision tree was correct.

Or else he grabbed some @ss and is in traction in a county hospital as a result.....

If that's the case, we can all take satisfaction that he at least went down with a handful of butt:smthumbup:


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

NotLikeYou said:


> Let's wander through the decision tree!
> 
> Given where you're at, it either bothers you, or it doesn't. Having authored multiple similar threads, I say bothers bob1471.'
> 
> ...



Don't see much difference in these responses truthfully. At the end of the day he'll either tolerate this **** or not. No reason to explain to a grown woman why barging through someone is not mature behavior. If he won't tolerate it he needs to make that clear with actions.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

6301 said:


> Your fault. You let someone treat you that way and choose to do nothing about it then you get what your getting and it's only getting worse.
> 
> That kind of behavior should have been nipped in the bud from the get go but you let her shove you around and now it's a way of life for her.
> 
> You have a mouth, open it up and fire away. Big damn deal if it causes a argument. She needs to be told that her behavior stinks and the longer she gets away with it the worse it will get although I think your way past getting her to break her habits unless you stick to your guns and stop rolling over and playing dead.


I totally agree.

Op you let her treat you like crap, so she continues to treat you how you allow her to, she shows lack of respect for you, she sounds like a real disrespectful person, I always say treat others how you like to be treated.

I would not dream of just barging my husband out the way to get past, or ripping something out that was under him, or just being plain rude to him, hes my husband and i just find it like i said disrespectful.

I agree with what this member has said, this should have been taking care with a long time ago, but shes done it for so long got away with it, so she continues, and its become the norm for her, she sounds a bit like a bully IMHO. I cant see it getting any worse than it is, I think her rudeness is the worst it can get.

I also think you need to open your mouth, tell her you wont be spoken to like a bit of crap anymore, tell her you've had enough.

Stop letting her walk all over you.


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