# Where do you even start to end it all???



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Hia, been married a while (nearly 24 years) oldest daughter at Uni and son (17) in the middle of important exams (has another year to go before he considers uni) so is now the "right" time to even consider divorce? Our daughter won't really be affected (she's nearly 20) because she's not here most of the time. How will our son feel? Will it affect his exams etc?

Anyway, that aside, where on EARTH does a couple start to end it when things hit rock bottom? I expect me and OH will remain friendly and on good terms, but we have a big house full of lovely memories. We have a loft FULL of the kids school work/artwork etc as they've grown up. Very little is either mine or his (like the furniture) 

And financially, I've always relied on him to sort our finances/bills etc out. I have recently started a new job so that's causing some issues as I get settled in (part time but more responsibility which is daunting me) WHERE do we start to get our finances in order? He earns loads more than me. 

I am going to open my own Bank account today (I think??) and transfer my future earnings over to that. I expect that's a good start.

It's just so sad that a lifetime of memories will just be wiped out like this. But it's been coming for a long time (for me) and now he's feeling it too.

But should we just try and live in harmony (it would be do-able) while our son concentrates on his exams? He's working so hard neither of us want to do anything to jeopardise this.

Hubby is using the line "it's not you, it's me" what the hell does that mean??


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## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

Have either of you tried marriage counselling at all, or therapy? Have you and your OH had a good talk about things?

I think having your own bank account is a good place to start. I would also suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer to see where you stand. Also, if you have any friends, who you can confide in, who have been there, maybe talk to them too.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Do you even know whats wrong, or just that something is wrong? Is/was there EA's, cheating, financial issues? sickness? work? abuse? Maybe I'm different, but I think only abuse or infidelity is the only reason to just give up a marriage. But then you haven't really stated one way or the other if there was an effort.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Cora28 said:


> Have either of you tried marriage counselling at all, or therapy? Have you and your OH had a good talk about things?
> 
> I think having your own bank account is a good place to start. I would also suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer to see where you stand. Also, if you have any friends, who you can confide in, who have been there, maybe talk to them too.


Tried counselling several years back, but it just felt like they were more interested in our money than anything. As others have said on here, they'd rather spend the money on a meal out for two and talk about it then. 

We have talked about things, especially this past week, but as I said, our son is going through important exams, so we will consider a split in a year or two. It's strange because then he'll make plans like we WON'T split up. The horrible thing is, he's saved loads of money (most of what he's earned as he has a good job) so he KNOWS I love this lifestyle and he knows I'm not sure how I'd cope if we split and I didn't have all the money. He knows I have no idea how fend for myself financially. So I guess that gives him a bit of power. 

He's not a bad man at all, and it's better now we've started a sex life again. 

But, I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes, as I haven't felt right in this marriage for years really. But what's the alternative?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Thumper said:


> Do you even know whats wrong, or just that something is wrong? Is/was there EA's, cheating, financial issues? sickness? work? abuse? Maybe I'm different, but I think only abuse or infidelity is the only reason to just give up a marriage. But then you haven't really stated one way or the other if there was an effort.


Never had financial issues at all. There has been EAs and cheating because of the internet. In fact since we've had the internet over 12 years ago now, life has not been the same for us. We seem to have got over it all now, but there's still an element of lack of trust. 

I've started a new job and have more responsibility now, it's all new and strange for me so I am adjusting. 

Yes, we do make an effort, we had a day out together yesterday, and planning another out tomorrow, but I just feel bored and unmotivated, but that's mostly ME (not him) I only work part time so I have a LOT of spare time at home, though I have hobbies and do volunteer work, I don't know why I just get so damn bored with life.

I'm missing my daughter who's at Uni, and the thought that my son might eventually leave home aswell in the next couple of years...... leaving just me + hubby..... 

I would happily live with him and do stuff with him if only I didn't have to have sex, cos the way I feel it doesn't "feel" right. But at the moment I have to keep the peace and make the most of what I have cos it's not all bad.

Thank you for "listening!" Not sure what the answer is really. I just know that if I was a stronger more assertive person we would not still be together.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well, let me say first im sorry your here, its really terrible to see a marriage that's so close to the finish line (kids up and out, possible retirement and trips for the couple) crash and burn when the hard parts are over with.

Theres obviously some trust issues, emotionally and financially at this point, your dealing with. You sound pretty set in the fact you want it over cause your just tired of it all. That speaks volumes to your frame of mind. I know that marriage counseling is a crap shoot all by itself, first you have to find one that you feel right with (not easy actually), then both people have to 100% lay it on the table when you do find the one. Also not easy.

I feel for you both, somewhere you both fell off the path and haven't been able to find it again, it happens. I have hope that somehow you can both find your issues, put them on the table, and at least deal with them, even if that means you stay or don't stay together. Eventually you'll have grandkids, hopefully, it would be sad that you can enjoy that part of you lives cause still cant get past the "PAST".


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Thumper said:


> Well, let me say first im sorry your here, its really terrible to see a marriage that's so close to the finish line (kids up and out, possible retirement and trips for the couple) crash and burn when the hard parts are over with.
> 
> Theres obviously some trust issues, emotionally and financially at this point, your dealing with. You sound pretty set in the fact you want it over cause your just tired of it all. That speaks volumes to your frame of mind. I know that marriage counseling is a crap shoot all by itself, first you have to find one that you feel right with (not easy actually), then both people have to 100% lay it on the table when you do find the one. Also not easy.
> 
> I feel for you both, somewhere you both fell off the path and haven't been able to find it again, it happens. I have hope that somehow you can both find your issues, put them on the table, and at least deal with them, even if that means you stay or don't stay together. Eventually you'll have grandkids, hopefully, it would be sad that you can enjoy that part of you lives cause still cant get past the "PAST".


Thank you "Thumper" for your comments. You are right, the hardest parts are nearly done and we have chance to enjoy our lives etc. Yes we do need to put our issues on the table and talk them through. I think we might do this when son's left home and doesn't have to witness any fall out. 

Grandkids..... well it doesn't help that daughter's announced she's bi-sexual (possibly gay) and heavily into gay rights. 

However, I do suffer with mild depression, and whatever it was recently that's bought me down, I am starting to feel better (today anyway) and looking forward to our daytrip together tomorrow.


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