# I'll give you a summary, you tell me if it's time



## joe in cali (Dec 15, 2007)

Two years ago my wife had a dramatic life change. She went from a driven wife and mother church going lady to a foul mouthed bohemian poet. She withdrew emotionally and clung to a group of friends she met online like a desperate school girl. They created a clique to my exclusion and she spends many hours/day on her message boards. I am not welcome or even allowed to see her boards.

She last French kissed me two years ago. She last held my hand in the car two years ago. She is sexual with me, but she won't kiss me. She'll hang out with me, but i don't have her trust or confidence. I am not someone she shares her deep feelings with.

She frequently neglects her responsibilities as wife and mother because of her friends and her time consuming interest as a writer. She rarely if ever initiates affection unless she's horny or feels like it's time we have at least maintenance sex, but again, it's not affection. It's purely physical. She mostly just wants peace and to be left alone, but our lives are no longer intertwined. She doesn't act like she needs me anymore. She mostly is happy if I'm not upset, so I just disappear and leave her alone.

When I objected (vehemently) to her dual life and how she excluded me from it, she showed no respect or empathy and has held on to it very tightly.

That's my deal. Somehow I still love her, but she's doing nothing to earn it. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have left by now, but now I'm thinking that it makes no sense to stay in this. The truth is, I don't think she loves me anymore.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

can you pinpoint why she changed so much?


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

it does seem like there was a definite drastic changing point in the marriage...do you know why or what she is looking for? quest for meaning in her life etc. Try marriage counselling if she wants to go...if not you need to really reflect on what you are getting out of this relationship...go within.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It's hard to pinpoint why this has come about. It could have something - a lot perhaps - to do with you, but that might not be so. One thing is that forums, blogs, chat rooms, and message boards can be so easily and extremely addictive. Your wife is not hardly, not nearly, the only person who has become addicted and neglects husband, family, housework, etc. In the realm of the internet where there are numerous entities one can meet, it's easy to become *somebody*, perhaps anonymously so (by way of handle/moniker, and not real names), but someone who is highly regarded for their opinions and advice, as well as someone who is noticed and receives much-needed attention. Everyone enjoys the acknowledgment, accolades, appreciation and so on. Everyone needs that kind of self-affirming feedback. It is her dope (dopamine), as opposed to their real life that can be very demanding and much less giving. It's the polar opposite of how you are feeling neglected and excluded right now.

In that example, you are not the cause being that it is simply addictive, and perhaps she has some degree of addictive personality. On the other hand, it could have something - if not a lot - to do with you. You may not be aware that you pushed her in that direction, that you are/were somehow her motivating factor. Like I said, real life can be demanding and much less rewarding. Real life can also be disappointing. 

On that note, what kind of husband/companion are you? You are here selfishly complaining of your wife's neglect, but I don't see any concern for her at all. It's all about what you are not getting. You can't say she doesn't love you anymore. It's not for one person to say that about another because you can't have any idea how she feels. You can, however, say she doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, or she doesn't express her love the way she used to. My question would then be - did you love her in previous years the way she needed to be loved? For example, you complain "_that I am not someone she shares her deep feelings with._" Well, were you respectful and supportive the years that she did open herself up and share her feelings with you? Or were you disparaging and critical of her feelings and opinions? Instead of being a supportive listener, one who is considerate and encouraging, was it more important for you to show her how much smarter you are than her? Did you shoot her down and tell her how silly her feelings were? Did you belittle her and tell her opinions made no sense? I suspect you did those things (occasionally? regularly? frequently? all the time?), and so much so that she has shut down mentally/emotionally (no longer opening herself up to your destructive scrutiny) and turned away from you to online message boards because she receives the respect and support she needs but never received from you.

I'm sure you are wondering why I make such assumption as to suspect you have been very inconsiderate of your wife. The reason is that your whole post tells me so, in that it is all about you and all about you complaining of her behavior. There is no compassion written between the lines. There is no desire to understand how/why this has happened. There is no plea/request for a remedy. There is no acknowledgment of the slightest possibility that you might be the reason (such as asking "What could I have done for this to happen?"). There is no indication of willingness to apply yourself to a remedy (such as asking "What can I do?). Your only solution is to leave and end the marriage because you are not getting what you want. There couldn't possibly be anything that she needs or wants. Right?

It is all about you and what you are not getting. Therefore, you give me every reason to suspect you have spent your marriage the same way. After all, it is your complaint about your wife. I can't be too far off base. And to say that you "_objected (vehemently) to her dual life and how she excluded me from it, she showed no respect or empathy and has held on to it very tightly_" again shows me I am not very far from the mark of pinpointing the problem in your marriage. That you "objected (vehemently)" is nothing but demanding. She is used to your demands and has become accustomed to you proffering little reward ("no respect or empathy") in return , if any at all. In other words, this is the harvest from the seeds you yourself have sown.

So now what? Do you heed my words? Or do you ignore me and blow me off as, like your wife, I cannot possibly be right? Are you the problem or is it that she has addictive personality? There are ways you can find out and know for certain. Whatever route you take will require that you apply yourself to either get to the root of the problem or to simply fix the problem. Are you willing to apply yourself to save your marriage and turn your wife's attention back to you and the family? This is all you need. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. Yes, it means you have to do something, not just complain, and not just walk away because you're not getting what you want. But guess what? You don't have to acknowledge any responsibility for the breakdown in your marriage. All you have to do is get your wife back.

What are you going to do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Install a keylogger on her computer. There's a fair chance at least ONE of those new 'friends' is a guy.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm going to get crap for this, but I'm as serious as a colera epidemic.

You still have a wife, your kids still have a mother, you get laid occasionally. That is more than what 80% of the people in the western world have. 

Appreciate what you have and get the rest elsewhere. You have told your wife what you need and she refuses to supply it. Start acting single. Flirt. Chat with strange women. Look outside of your marriage for what your wife refuses to give you: attention and the feeling of being desired. You can get a lot of that from within your own social circle without even touching anyone, so it's not even cheating. Just read the posts by all of the people who caught their SO in an EA. "It was innocent, we never even kissed".

Life is too short to be unhappy. And you're not getting any younger.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Not a true solution to a lack of emotional intimacy in a marriage Cody


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## joe in cali (Dec 15, 2007)

Cody, don't hand out terrible advice like that any more.

Susan, there's a lot of truth in what you say. Since I posted this, we had a rock bottom moment. In that aftermath over the next week and before I even read this response, I came to the conclusion that I had to withdraw my chronic condemnation of her and focus on pulling my own life together. Yes, we both have to bring something to the table for the marriage to work, but I think I've become obsessed with what I'm not getting and have become completely undesirable in the process. 

You're right in that she has a bit of an addictive personality and goes to extremes. She found a place on the internet where she was somebody important and revered. They created this community where they would shower each other with adulation and they got very wrapped up in each other's lives. She went off the deep end with it and her response to my objections was to pull away from me further and she went deeper into her group.

I can still fall into my obsessive thought patterns about her. It's hard to explain, but I sink into a very dark place and it's hard to get out. I have been mostly free of it for a couple of weeks. I've had a couple of brief relapses, but managed to climb out before it had any effect on us. 

For now, I'm trying to find peace and give her some room. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have you done about fixing the marriage?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

joe in cali said:


> Cody, don't hand out terrible advice like that any more.


I don't see how this is terrible advice. My wife acted as though she doesn't like me too much for years. I thought that's how married life was supposed to be. Then I realized we were both not getting any younger and I didn't want to throw away any more potential happiness. So I decided to work on it with her.

I'll sum it up this way. Although my wife denies it, it is hard to come to any other conclusion besides the fact that she doesn't like me "in that way". It's not internet pals, but it's other time wasting activities that she finds more stimulating than me. She will not change. Does that mean I can't look elsewhere for stimulating conversation? Sometimes with women? Sometimes with the intent of seeing how it is for a woman to feel attracted to me again? To see what it's like for a woman to desire me? To want to kiss me? 

She swore she'd cherish and love me forever. I married her for that reason. She broke her end of the bargain. I lost something that I may be able to find elsewhere. She KNOWS she's not providing me what I need and is not even willing to seriously work on it. 

I get one shot at this life. I'm not giving up on a big part of it because my wife got bored with me.


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