# Needing outside thoughts



## gerh256 (Apr 1, 2017)

Hello, everyone! I joined this thread as a means to get this off my chest, and to get some outside in-put/advice/opinions. It may be a long post, but I feel I am very alone in my situation...

I am twenty four years old. My husband is thirty, and we have been married for going on four years. We only dated a few months before we got married, as we both were smitten with each other from the beginning. However, being married has revealed to me a lot of things that I am not used to/comfortable with: one being his temper. My husband’s father abused both his mother and him when he was growing up; my husband, unfortunately, has the idea that whoever screams the loudest and hits the hardest wins the argument. I don’t really know if I can say he’s gotten “physical” with me; however, he has grabbed me once around the waist when I was trying to leave the room during one of his yelling escapades and left bruises were his fingertips are, and he has punched me hard enough in the arm when I was a passenger in his car, to leave bruises that lasted for days in a tantrum he threw. The last instance was very noticeable, that my mother even asked me about it and had a feeling he had caused the bruise. I have never physically touched my husband, I do not yell or scream, I am much more of a problem avoider than a confronter and that just was not the environment I was brought up in. I have learned to avoid arguments with him by just staying quiet and getting away from him. He does continue his arguing with his father though, to the point that things get physical. They will hit each other with pieces of metal and my husband has even pulled a gun on my father-in-law. My mother-in-law refuses to call the police when anything physical between my husband and his father-in-law occurs. When I have been around when instances like this have occurred, I get as far away from both of them as possible.

I am to the point where I have witnessed this so frequently with my mother-in-law and father-in-law that I don’t even like to go around their home or go out with them, as I am afraid a conflict will arise between my husband and his father-in-law and I will be embarrassed by how they act.

Obviously, my husband has a temper problem, we can conclude that for sure.

I, for the most part -90% of the time-, feel very alone in our relationship. I am sure a lot of this has to do with just maturing and growing up in general on my end, but I just feel like my husband is content and stuck in his ways and I want to progress further in life and do and be so much more. He will say he will better his anger, but he won’t try or go talk to anyone. He just speaks sweet words to soothe a tense situation and he is the type of person who will say anything to get someone to stay with him or to be in agreement. My husband is also happy with a job working in construction where he makes $13-$15 an hour (even though he has a 4 year degree). He has gone on multiple job interviews for what his degree is in, and although he comes home bragging how great they went, he never gets offered the job. We are almost every day of the week doing something with his side of the family as far as dinner is concerned but he doesn’t like to do anything with me alone or do anything for a while with my family. If I suggest dinner with just him and I, he ends up inviting one of his family members or my father-in-law and mother-in-law. 

I work a full time job from 8-5, and I take 3-4 classes online. I am graduating with my Associate’s in the Spring and will be starting my Bachelor’s in the Fall. I work at a good job where I have been quickly promoted and caught on. I do the cleaning and the laundry, with no help from him. I can beg and hint and even politely ask, but there is nothing he will do. I have even went as far as not cleaning and not doing laundry just to let him own filth and dirty clothes pile up to see if he would help, and he didn’t. He just does not care and has no interest.

I find myself frequently getting irritated with him lately, as he will say things and do things that are not appropriate. He will sometimes make inappropriate slurs and use derogatory words when speaking in public that are so embarrassing. He will clear the snot out of his throat at the top of his lungs and I just cringe because it’s so nasty sounding – this is something every female he has encountered in his lifetime growing up has told him to stop doing. It’s just not polite. He also dips tobacco, and I have been unfortunate enough to drink out of a dip cup he’s spit in to (whoops!). He will leave his dip cups everywhere – in the bedroom, in my car, in his car, and never throw them out (I have to throw them out). He does not care how dipping affects his health – he says “we all will die from something” and that’s his justification for it. Small things like this are just getting under my skin.

I mostly feel alone … I feel like we have very, very little in common. I am studying to be a teacher, and pursing a language arts degree. I enjoy writing, crafting, singing, music, playing piano, being around people and family, I am much more in to spending my free-time bettering myself and my skills and working towards and daydreaming of a better future. My husband, on the other hand, stays glued to his phone ALL the time. It’s there at the dinner table, ALL THE TIME, THE ENTIRE TIME. The whole time we’re in bed and from the second he gets off of work, he’s glued to the phone. I have repeatedly asked politely if he would spend some time with me and the response is “Yeah, just a minute”, and it never happens. I end up turning opposite from him in the bed and going to sleep. Intimacy is rare at this point.

He doesn’t like to be alone with me, I believe. I booked a beach vacation for us last year – I paid it in full and was so proud and booked a one bedroom condo. He went behind my back and invited his whole family – 4 other adults and 2 kids – to come with us, and told them they could share the condo with us. We both ended up sleeping on a blow out mattress, while my sister-in-law and her husband with their 2 kids slept on a pull out sofa bed, and my in-laws slept in the bedroom. I was livid. I even expressed to him that I wanted it to be just he and I, and he went behind my back and did that. He got mad at me for booking a cruise that was supposed to be our “late honeymoon” with just he and I. I feel like he wants his family involved in EVERY SINGLE TRIP, but I cannot deal with the arguments or the overcrowding.

At this point, I have decided I am genuinely unhappy in the situation. I do love my husband, everyone has their ups and downs, as individuals, but I cannot keep living this way. He is not the type to go and talk to someone, and I would like to make this work, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need help. I am hoping maybe I can get some input from outsiders or a non-bias person.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

If there are no kids get out now... if there are kids do the same thing.

Sorry, he sounds like a jerk who is a long way off from confronting his demons. You are young and should easily rebound from a D but do allow yourself time to heal after and by all means learn from your mistakes.


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## sherrialicia (Jul 10, 2013)

I'm assuming you don't have kids but even if you did my advice would be the same RUN don't walk away from this relationship! Yikes, how long before you're the one he's pulling the guns on? If you don't have funds to divorce contact a women's shelter, he's abusive and psychotic they will help you.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

He sounds like a catastrophe.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Seems that he does not want alone time with you. That is not a good sign in a marriage. I moved far away from my family after our first year of marriage. Too much getting involved in our lives and dropping by at inappropriate times, if you know what I mean. My wife and I were talking about what we call momma's boys. They never cut the apron string after they got married. My cousin married one of them and divorced him two years later. He did the same thing your husband does. He invited his mother to join them on their honeymoon cruise and every vacation and party they had. Did not work out for them. Hope it works out better for you but it is very difficult to cut family ties. My inlaws died within the first few years of our marriage, two brothers and my wife's parents. Her parents were both only children so there were no aunts or uncles on her side. I moved 2,500 miles from my family and currently live 2,000 miles away. I have not seen my family in over 6 years. Probably will not until there is a funeral. My lifestyle was not the kind that most people have when they get married so it was easier to live away from family, rather then endure their condemnation.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He hit you. There is never an excuse. You are in fear, you have learned to "avoid arguments". 

You are being abused. I don't know if it started slowly so you didn't notice, like a frog in a pot, but it is happening now. This is not a normal relationship and no one should every put up with this. 

It will probably get worse. I don't know if you are pregnant or have kids, but if not be careful - getting the victim pregnant so she thinks she can't leave is the next step in the abusers handbook. (even if you do have kids you are far better without him).

Tell me why he is a wonderful person and you want to spend the rest of your life with him? 

You deserve much better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What are his good qualities?

I've heard nothing good about him.

Sex? Sounds rare and likely onesided if it does happen.

Friendship? His bff is his phone.

Makes a lot of money? Nope

I just don't see a lot of positives in this relationship.
Why are you still in it?

Are you totally unattractive and don't think another man will have you? You're wrong.
Are you afraid to leave?
Get help. He will be crazy when you leave. He has zero self control. Be careful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I agree with the others. Get out now.

Life is the most wonderful thing that was ever created. You do not have to be religious to agree with this.

The problem is @lifeistooshort. It is way too short.

Since it is short, play the long game. Find a man that you are compatible with. Compatibility should be your first criteria. Then make sure you both have chemistry with each other. 

Having love and respect for each other is the third criteria. 

Luck is the fourth criteria. 

Today is Saturday, April 1st, 2017. 

I just checked..... you still have a few lucky stars left!....You still have love left in your heart. It should last plenty long enough for you to find a man, make some babies and build a life together.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

gerh256 said:


> Hello, everyone! I joined this thread as a means to get this off my chest, and to get some outside in-put/advice/opinions. It may be a long post, but I feel I am very alone in my situation...
> 
> I am twenty four years old. My husband is thirty, and we have been married for going on four years. We only dated a few months before we got married, as we both were smitten with each other from the beginning. However, being married has revealed to me a lot of things that I am not used to/comfortable with: one being his temper. My husband’s father abused both his mother and him when he was growing up; my husband, unfortunately, has the idea that whoever screams the loudest and hits the hardest wins the argument. I don’t really know if I can say he’s gotten “physical” with me; however, he has grabbed me once around the waist when I was trying to leave the room during one of his yelling escapades and left bruises were his fingertips are, and he has punched me hard enough in the arm when I was a passenger in his car, to leave bruises that lasted for days in a tantrum he threw. The last instance was very noticeable, that my mother even asked me about it and had a feeling he had caused the bruise. I have never physically touched my husband, I do not yell or scream, I am much more of a problem avoider than a confronter and that just was not the environment I was brought up in. I have learned to avoid arguments with him by just staying quiet and getting away from him. He does continue his arguing with his father though, to the point that things get physical. They will hit each other with pieces of metal and my husband has even pulled a gun on my father-in-law. My mother-in-law refuses to call the police when anything physical between my husband and his father-in-law occurs. When I have been around when instances like this have occurred, I get as far away from both of them as possible.
> 
> ...


Hi @gerh256

Thanks for your post.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it must be really tough on you.

Firstly, can I just commend you for your strength and show of character through all of this. It would have been very easy for you to succumb to the situation but you've taken the bull by the horns and progressed your own life and that really is wonderful to see.

In terms of your husband, I suspect he's got a few mental and emotional challenges from his childhood days that are affecting him. It sounds like on some level, he is probably conflicted between hating his dad, yet trying to get his approval and that is an extremely tough thing to deal with. When you're having to deal with situations like that, it's easy to fall into the pattern of self loathing and distracting yourself with phones etc. 

There are a couple of ways to look at this:

1) You've outgrown the relationship. This is very common and in all honesty, when I look at your situation this is exactly what I see happening. You're off to the stars and he's sitting at home, probably wallowing in self-pity, but masking it as a carefree facade. The way it looks, you staying in the relationship is going to slowly going to continue to widen the gap between the two of you which eventually leads to resentment and repression - the signs of a dead relationship.

2) You make a choice to stick this out and play your part in healing some of his wounds. Find ways to make him feel significant, unique, special etc so that he creates some positive associations using your time together. If you can strike the right cords, then change can occur in him. 

The decision between (1) and (2) all boils down to how frustrated you are, how much love you have within you and how much love you have to give. 
One thing is for sure - you need to take action because as long as this continues on, the relationship will continue to decline - something neither of you would want to have. 

One other thing - when it comes to the physical behaviour you mentioned - this is completely unacceptable and must change. Him being sweet after the fact is typical behaviour from men who engage in poor behaviour at home. Sadly, this creates an emotional addiction for both parties and the relationship ends up going south quickly.

Finally, we get what we tolerate in life. So the question for you is - what are you prepared to tolerate and what are the standards you set of yourself as well as the standards you wish others to live up to?

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
Sri


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

gerh256 said:


> We only dated a few months before we got married, as we both were smitten with each other from the beginning.


So what you were "smitten" from the beginning? All relationships are the best at the start, most of us feel that way when we meet someone and things click, that doesn't mean we go and commit to them for the rest of our lives after only knowing them slightly after a few short months.

You made a mistake, it's becoming increasingly obvious, so fix it.


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