# Is it possible to show/prove to someone that you have changed? Plz Help



## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Newbie here, before i do an introduction, i would really love some feedback on this.
Long story short, i am trying to get the love of my life back
I am trying to SHOW him that i have changed. He says he doesnt trust me anymore, and that we should "be friends for now" until i can prove it to him
the problem is we are currently in a long distance relationship.  :scratchhead:

The thing that i have done has been to abandon him, and the relationship, end it, after we hav a fight or a problem, and then we would always get back together immediately. he has counted how many times this has happened. This is the 6th and final time.

I am afraid i have lost my very bestfriend, not only that but the greatest man that has ever loved me. 

I realized what i had done, almost hours after i ended it. 
I shouldnt have ended it, i should have gone through it and continued to fight for our love, 

He says he still loves me, wants to be with me, but is afraid that i will break his heart again,

i say we should be together again, thats the only way (that i know of) that he will be able to see that iv changed, but he says no, he doesn't trust me that i wont give up again,
*sigh*

I know this is my fault. and believe me i am incredibly remorseful, and sorry. I was dumb, and insecure.. I recognize where i made mistakes, and i am doing everything i can to fix that.

How can i show him that i have changed? Not only did i want to change for him, but i wanted to for me. I feel like he is the one, but i also feel i may have lost him

So is it possible guys? How can i prove or show to him that I will not abandon him, or give up on our love? 
My words do not matter, i could beg and beg and beg, but hes an action oriented guy i guess..
Iv poured my heart out many times, with nothing back but " You said that last time.. look at us now"

*sigh*
someone, anyone please help.

I just really want some insight, or advice, or anything.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

What made you leave all those times? How bad were the fights and how old are the two of you?

It's easy to want to leave when the going gets tough, knowing that you can come back again. Especially during fights. I have wanted to run for the hills too during a fight in the past. But as time went on and our relationship matured I slowly did not think about leaving all the time anymore. 

The only way to show him you have changed is if he gives you another "last chance" and you don't leave I'm afraid. For now, any words you speak are just empty to him. So there is no comfort in them.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

What made you leave, give some explanation so we know what is fixable. 6 times is many times, I am not surprised to hear that he does no trust you anymore. But, give the reasons of your fight. There are so many people here who will give good advices. Good luck


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

NeverLostHope said:


> The thing that i have done has been to abandon him, and the relationship, end it, after we hav a fight or a problem, and then we would always get back together immediately. he has counted how many times this has happened. This is the 6th and final time.


Okay, I'm going to give you a big dose of honesty here. You are like the thief who didn't regret stealing until he was caught. Then he was very, very sorry. You sound very young and impetuous. You abandoned him SIX times, got back together "immediately," and now he's had enough of the DRAMA. Have you? 

You sound desperate in this post. You want him to kiss and make up "immediately" again. Guess what? He is tired of the game. ARE YOU???

Advice? First, you need to calm down and look at yourself. Get the focus off him being the be-all-end-all of your life. He ain't. Sorry. But YOU have one life, and it belongs to you. Not him. Not the drama of the break-up-make-up crap.

So calm down. Quit trying to get him back in the next five minutes. RELAX. It sounds like he still loves you. But you need to grow up. Solid relationships are not built on all this drama. They are built on stuff you may think is rather boring.

Dispense with the drama. Work on yourself. Do not, REPEAT - DO NOT - work on yourself for the sole reason of winning him back. This is not a game; this is life. Give him space. Give him time. Give him respect.

And work on your own issues ... believe me, you need to!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't even know you and I think you will break his heart again.

I suggest therapy to learn new relationship skills.

Just saying you will change isn't likely to work.

You need a plan.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

How exactly have you changed? It sounds like this happened yesterday.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You have some serious abandonment issues you need to address. Then control issues, then finally some insecurity issues. Good luck, but I'd check out some therapy.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It takes a year to two to really change depending in the situation even up to five, and this is with thrapy and commitment. Your post is very vague perhaps more information is needed to help you.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

People can change,

Alcoholics can give up drinking, Drug users can get clean, Saul did convert on the "road to Damascus".

The first and most important question you must ask is "Have a really changed".

If you have then you will need to show that by the way you behave / live your life. Do not expect others to believe it until they have seen it and those that you have hurt the most in the past will take the longest to understand.

N.B. Unless / until you are sure that you have changed is it really fair of you to put your former partner through the mill again?


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Thank you for replying every one i appreciate your honesty
ill reply individually to each when i get home, and explain what happened

i just wanna say that i am very young and impulsive, the break up was me acting off of "tempoorary" painful emotion.. like always.

College students, me a freshman, him a junior. 

What made me leave? Impulse. I never really wanted to leave. i guess i just did it to kind of "test" his 'unfailing' love.. how immature of me. smh. now i get to suffer the consequences yayy,

and you know what i probably havent completely changed, but a fire has been lit under my ass and i know if i got this second chance (well 7th ) with him i wouldnt end it.. if a fight happened again and i felt like leaving i would take space for myself, instead of leaving..i would just try to calm down

i thought he would be here forever.. as he kind of already was

we had been bestfriends since the 8th grade.. and we finally started dating.

tbh i am surprised he loved me n stuck around this long
im a mess.

I do have abandonment issues i guess.

im already in therapy. I go back to my therapist on the 17th,,

this didnt happen yesterday.. its been almost 2 weeks now.
i gave him space, until he was ready to come back and talk to me..

he says he wants to be friends

yet he still wants me to talk to him about my feelings, tell him how i feel..what im thinking (that was one of his biggest needs when we were dating, to always tell him how i feel) and that need is also part of the reason this fight, which started over 2 weeks ago, began.

i have an exam to go take, so ill be back on later.
Please don't just write this off as 'youre young an in love, youll get over it, blah blah"

I may not be able to get him back, but i want some advice from you all, so for my next relationship, i won't be doing the same things im doing now.

again i wll reply to ALL of your questions when i get home, and ill tell u more about the fight, and fights.. i warn you.. they were never that serious.. be prepared to laugh . :/

Thanks again for all of your replies, i love the honesty.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Repeatedly threatening to break off a relationship is a control technique--pure and simple. That would make you a manipulator--plain and simple.

Read the many threads on here by people who are married to a spouse that repeatedly uses the threat of divorce. They are miserable. It's not an overstatement to say their life is hell.

Your boyfriend is on to you. He sees the pattern. He knows that you won't change. That once engaged and then married you will continue trying to control his with threats; these repeated threats to end the relationship unless things go your way.

He's now called your bluff, and now you don't know what to do. This is a common place for manipulators to find themselves when their bluff is finally called.

I don't think there's anything to you can do to prove you've changed. Only time can prove you no longer play this game, but you've played it so many times he is no longer willing to give you a second chance (or should I say 7th chance).

You need to look at yourself and figure out why you do this. If you don't, you'll continue to pull this control/manipulation junk in your next relationship, and it will lead to the same disastrous results.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> Repeatedly threatening to break off a relationship is a control technique--pure and simple. That would make you a manipulator--plain and simple.
> 
> Read the many threads on here by people who are married to a spouse that repeatedly uses the threat of divorce. They are miserable. It's not an overstatement to say their life is hell.
> 
> ...




Wow i never thought of it this way.. i didnt think i was being a manipulator by ending the relationship time n time again..
You know, most people, especially young people i guess don't know what they are doing while they're doing it..some people do.. but my intentions werent malevolent.. I do want to be with him, and i always have. WHy do i do this? I never did it in past relationships to be honest. I think i did it because in my past relationships i never felt in control, and i like being in control of the situation, knowing what is gonna happen..

even if i don't get him back, i want to change. i think im gonna have to NOT focus on getting him back, and just focusing on not being an abandoner..the funny thing is iv never done this in relationships..
but wow.. i think i do this to some of my friends..

when a mistake is made, or osmeone hurts my feelings (in new friendships) i immediately back off.. I don't know why i do this. Never noticed it until now.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> People can change,
> If you have then you will need to show that by the way you behave / live your life. Do not expect others to believe it until they have seen it and those that you have hurt the most in the past will take the longest to understand.
> 
> N.B. Unless / until you are sure that you have changed is it really fair of you to put your former partner through the mill again?



Nope.. its not fair at all. Iv been reflecting on this for a while now.. What i would do differently.. etc.. How do i even know i have changed from this behavior unless i am put in this situation again? The behavior is me leaving, breaking up with him, when we have a fight.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I don't even know you and I think you will break his heart again.
> 
> I suggest therapy to learn new relationship skills.
> 
> ...


This hurt to read. But thank you.. it gives me insight on how this looks to him.

saying im changed, or i am changing is indeed, not working. 

what kind of plan? what do you mean? I'm so very confused.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, I'm going to give you a big dose of honesty here. You are like the thief who didn't regret stealing until he was caught. Then he was very, very sorry. You sound very young and impetuous. You abandoned him SIX times, got back together "immediately," and now he's had enough of the DRAMA. Have you?
> 
> 
> I am very young, and impetuous.. its very hard for me to not act on emotion.. i haave been working on it and am getting better.. yes.. i have had enough of the drama. Iv never seen a relationship without drama.. and i have never been in one without drama.. I think that was part of the cause of all of this.. But i am tired of it.. I just thought relationships were supposed to be hard, and painful, and scary and etc..
> ...


I know. i will. I don't want to end up married, and still doing the teenage sh*t most adults still do.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> What made you leave, give some explanation so we know what is fixable. 6 times is many times, I am not surprised to hear that he does no trust you anymore. But, give the reasons of your fight. There are so many people here who will give good advices. Good luck



*REASONS OF THE FIGHT* 

3 weeks ago. we got into a what i thought was gonna be a typical fight of ours. we werent talking much, he was working alot.. and i felt abandoned, (lmao well would you look at that) . he goes out with friends on a day we were supposed to spend together, i am pissed n just go to bed..
the next day he tries to talk about it with me.. i say no.. im good..
he knows im lying.. so we fight about it argue, i say things i shouldnt have.. he hangs up on me..

later.. he gets off work, really late. calls me (cause remember, this is a LDR) asks me to talk about what was bothering me.. im not ready, i still say, i don't want to talk about it now, its late .. etc. he says okay..
i calm down.. and then try to talk about it (the key thing to note is one thing he has always stressed to me has been to always tell him my feelings , and how i feel) , i bring it up to him. i ask can we start over.. he says nah im good..
i say okay well ... then i tell him how i feel and etc.. and he says nothing. (unlike him)
and then he says i have nothing to say..
im very hurt by this..cause its unlike him, and his tone totally changed to cold, and uncaring. but i deserved it for not talking about it with him 

so we go to bed, im thinking okay tomorrow we will work this out 

LOL this goes on for a week. he acts as if he has nothing tosay to me.. when i bringup the situation which i didnt do very often, he says i have nothing to say. the entire time he talks to me, he acts as if he doesnt want to talk. i ask if he wants space and etc, he gets mad and says "no i have never asked for that , why would i want that?"
i ask him questions (no i don't ask the same ones over and over), like are we okay? do you stillwant to be with me etc.. and he replies EVERY SINGLE TIME with "i do not need to answer those questions.. you should know the answer to them"

That hurt my feelings very much.. but i tried to press on, thinking, im not gonna give up this time. we will makeit through this..
the week drags on.. and each day im hurting more and more..

i ask my friends & family about it.. they all tell me to leave him. (that is the only advice i have ever gotten , EVER)

i asked my therapist.. she told meto just wait it out.. and if he still has nothing to say, just dont speak with him..

thats very hard for me, as im a person who just wants to fix whatever problem there is, i don't like dragging stuff out.. i hate the silent treatment.. etc

so we talk on the weekend.. everything is still the same but im getting tired and feel alone.. why wasnt he being affectionate anymore, why was he acting like he didnt wanna talk, and being cold, uncommunicative, and aloof.. 

i asked why, and etc.. and he still said he had nothing to say.. and acted very annoyed with me. i asked questions once again.. he gave the same answer, he didnt have to answer.. once he said that.. i was tired.. i felt done.. i felt so hurt.. i had been holding it in.. and i just asked, "do u still wanna be with me, just answer that question please?"

and he said do what you want.

so i ended it. 
for the 6th time..

each time i ended it, it was usually in a time of him being uncommunicative, and distant. i would panic, and think "i cant marry a man that cant talk to me about things.. "
I try and give him space, but he will not take it, he doesnt want space from me (or so he didnt.)


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NeverLostHope said:


> You know, most people, especially young people i guess don't know what they are doing while they're doing it...


Yes you do. Refusing to accept responsibility for it is a big part of the problem. 

These kinds of tactics are hallmarks of either child behavior or arrested emotional development.

A three year old will say "Mommy I don't love you any more" when they are hurt. Children have to be taught what appropriate behavior is. If Mommy reacts by allowing the child to manipulate them, you get problem adults. 

You wanted to hurt him. It worked. This won't be the only manipulative tactic in your arsenal. You might be adept at guilt-tripping, shaming, or any number of other tactics too, but if you want to end up old, bitter, and lonely then these are the things you will want to excel at. 

This need to be in control must have something to do with your childhood.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Yes you do. Refusing to accept responsibility for it is a big part of the problem.
> 
> These kinds of tactics are hallmarks of either child behavior or arrested emotional development.
> 
> ...


OK what can i do to not do this then? to not want to be in control.. to not be afraid i am going to be left. trust me im not refusing to accept responsibility for this.. I know my part.. i know what iv done..
can u go read about the fight, and give me some more insight based on that?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NeverLostHope said:


> This hurt to read. But thank you.. it gives me insight on how this looks to him.
> 
> saying im changed, or i am changing is indeed, not working.
> 
> what kind of plan? what do you mean? I'm so very confused.


You said you reacted to a painful emotion.

Do you know what you should have done instead?

Did you have control over it or did you act on impulse?

What did you think would happen if you kept pushing him away?

A plan is coming up with what you will do NEXT time a painful emotion comes up.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> You said you reacted to a painful emotion.
> 
> Do you know what you should have done instead?
> 
> ...


Thanks for replying. Yes over the weeks n days i have thought of what i should have done instead.
I should have left the situation alone, i should have given him more time to cool off, i shouldnt have just believed he wasnt mad cause he said he wasnt. I should have given both of us space, whether he wanted it or not.

I had control over it. that entire week i wanted to end it but i didnt, i thought we could work it out, i thought he would want to work it out. and then when he kept answering my questions that way for days, and acting annoyed whenever we talked, i thought about it for five seconds (maybe it was impulse,) and then i ended it. 

I didnt think when i pushed him away, it just happened. i jut wanted time to get over what happened before i brought it to him.

I have already made plans, but what does this do? is it good, should i let him know ? or should i just let go of this.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If I were your ex I would have said adios the first time you dumped me. After six times its his fault for putting with your childish behavior. The ugly truth is that there is no garuntee you won't pull this crap again at the next blowup because you lack emotional maturity. I know I sound harsh but let your ex go so he can find happiness with a loving, mature partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

NeverLostHope said:


> I know this is my fault. and believe me i am incredibly remorseful, and sorry. I was dumb, and insecure.. I recognize where i made mistakes, and i am doing everything i can to fix that.
> 
> How can i show him that i have changed? Not only did i want to change for him, but i wanted to for me. I feel like he is the one, but i also feel i may have lost him
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, you really can't. And trying to push it and make him trust you is self defeating. It will only push him further away. I'm going through this with my wife right now. Trying to get her to trust me again. He needs time, how much? I don't know, he doesn't know either. Take the time to try and better yourself, get reconnected with him emotionally. I know you said you are in a Long Distance relationship with him, but continue talking on the phone, skype, whatever. Don't continually ask him if he will now trust you. He knows that you want him to, and pushing the issue probably isn't going to help.

I'm sure this isn't exactly what you want to hear and may not even be 100% correct for your situation. But what can it hurt?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am sorry but to me you just do not sound as though you are mature enough to be in any sort of relationship yet. I would give yourself a few years to grow up - make lots of friends, develop your interests, do your studies well. Then you may develop the necessary maturity.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You need to figure out if u really want this to work, or if your just afraid of being alone. If you want it to work, then you know obviously by going to IC, that you cant do it alone, you need tools to work with. Give him time, give him space, but don't wait for him as he's lost all trust with you, and they way you've handled things in the past.
You think the fights are not that bad, and they aren't, but its the TOTAL damage you've done over time that's the real culprit, not an individual event. Is this your first serious relationship? probably, and like you've said previously, if this doesn't work out, you still need to fix yourself to have a chance at anything in the future.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NeverLostHope said:


> can u go read about the fight, and give me some more insight based on that?


That didn't look like a productive relationship at all, let alone "best friends" or the greatest man you would ever be with.

You are already seeing some kind of counselor so with this extremely limited information I can't be all that much help. 

I did a long distance relationship with a 19 year old. Over five thousand miles. She did pull some teen stunts on me, but a young hotty is no match for an evil old man. We met and lived together for months in the Philippines before coming back to the US and applying for her immigration, but it took nine months.

One key event early on taught her a lesson you might learn from. She was impetuous, never having had a relationship before. She got angry at me for something, namely giving her a "look" for acting irresponsibly and frivolous when I needed her to be paying attention. She pulled a stunt to make me angry and it could have ruined the whole day, or beyond.

Instead of getting angry at her I told her that relationships were actually quite simple. Both of us had to make the decision that we were not going to be angry at each other, and if she trusted me on that I promised the rest of the day would be the best one we had ever had together so far. She just had to make the decision to have a wonderful day together instead of fight. 

The pressure was really on her because we were in the middle of her crowded city. I was the only white guy and stood out like a beacon. Everyone was watching and had seen what she did to me. She really tried to embarass me. 

But she listened, made the right decision, and we had a wonderful day. It has always been a thing for her to look back on and see that it really is that simple: just making the decision. But it takes both people. 

It's just so stupid to play tit-for-tat where one person acts out, so the other responds in kind, and the cycle continues on when you can just decide to be happy instead. You need to be compatible of course, but relationships are about being on a team instead of being adversaries.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Sanity said:


> If I were your ex I would have said adios the first time you dumped me. After six times its his fault for putting with your childish behavior. The ugly truth is that there is no garuntee you won't pull this crap again at the next blowup because you lack emotional maturity. I know I sound harsh but let your ex go so he can find happiness with a loving, mature partner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right . thank u for ur feedback, i respect your opinion. I want him to find happiness now. Im not bitter about it anymore. But i know he wants to get back with me, as he keeps texting me calling etc.. i am giving him space. not texting or saying "iv changed etc"


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

TryingandFrustrated said:


> Unfortunately, you really can't. And trying to push it and make him trust you is self defeating. It will only push him further away. I'm going through this with my wife right now. Trying to get her to trust me again. He needs time, how much? I don't know, he doesn't know either. Take the time to try and better yourself, get reconnected with him emotionally. I know you said you are in a Long Distance relationship with him, but continue talking on the phone, skype, whatever. Don't continually ask him if he will now trust you. He knows that you want him to, and pushing the issue probably isn't going to help.
> 
> I'm sure this isn't exactly what you want to hear and may not even be 100% correct for your situation. But what can it hurt?


Thank u so much, ur response is absolutely what i wanted n needed most. 
im not pushing him anymore, i was the first few days we started talking again. Not anymore. im so sorry you are married and going through this , i really pray that u hav changed, and she will see it soon . 
yes he needs time.. Idk how long.. in the meantime im working, and working on myself.. you know what iv realized? The person i so desperately desired to be, is right there, i just had to work to get it. I always thought i would just randomly become the person i want to be (young people smh, this is how we are) but you really gotta work hard to fight the negativity, and bad emotions, and feelings. 

its working for me so far..

i wish i could reconnect with him.. don't know or think its gonna happen. I guess it just takes time .. sooner or later, we will either get back together, or i will just move on. I justhave to be patient. and not expect some over night changes. 

nope. it was exactly what i wanted to here. Thank you so much. I hope your situation gets resolved sooner than later.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Thumper said:


> You need to figure out if u really want this to work, or if your just afraid of being alone. If you want it to work, then you know obviously by going to IC, that you cant do it alone, you need tools to work with. Give him time, give him space, but don't wait for him as he's lost all trust with you, and they way you've handled things in the past.
> You think the fights are not that bad, and they aren't, but its the TOTAL damage you've done over time that's the real culprit, not an individual event. Is this your first serious relationship? probably, and like you've said previously, if this doesn't work out, you still need to fix yourself to have a chance at anything in the future.


not my first serious relationship. But the first relationship that i actually truly believed would work out in the end. 
i do want to be in this. i am not afraid of being alone. 

Thanks for your feedback. I am currently in IC , and am working on myself.
and deff not waiting on him.. Working on me, keeping busy, meeting new people focusing on school work n sports n etc. It hurts so very badly, especially knowing hes still in love with me
but thats life, as im learning.
i made this mess, gotta deal with it.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

Thanks for that reply and story Wiserforit
yeah..i think that to myself all the time.. relationships could be so simple.. but for me somehow they arent..
but i keep seeing and realizing happiness is kind of a choice.. i could choose to stay hurt and mad over some dumb fight we had or i could let it go, and do things that make us both happy..

I WILL be more rational in my next relationship.

Thanks for everyones responses.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sometimes, getting dumped IS the only way to actually learn and change.


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## NeverLostHope (May 12, 2013)

yeah faithful wife.. it really is.. even though i wasnt dumped, it feels like it.

we just had a nice conversation though.. and im starting to believe we actually will get back together.. he still wants and needs to be with me (he says). thats music to my ears and heart lol . but i see he needs time ! . and unlike before, i am willing to give it to him..

When we end up back together.. u guys won't evr see me back on here. Unless im in the "long term success in marriage" forums lol hahaha  just some positive thinking.

Thanks again to everyones replies, harsh and all, i love it, and really appreciate it.. if no one else decides to give their input.. ill come back when everythings all said and done, and let you guys know how it plaid out.


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