# My wife takes her stress out on me - killing marriage



## Ilovebooks

I have been married to my wife for 11 year. For most of the time she has had an inability to deal with any stress. In our courting stage it seemed to be simple complaining, and never got out of hand. I wasn't around her 24/7 and she seemed to have other outlets. As our like together moved forward I became her sole outlet for all stress.
She works a good job, and has since we have been together. So it expected that there will be situations that are angering, or difficult. I have brought up the issue that she is deflecting all the stress to me in bickering, angered comments, complaining and she says I am overreacting and it doesn't happen that often. I kept track for the last 90 days, and on every single one there was at least one negative comment directed at me that began with mention of stress from somewhere else.

She sees a therapist for last 7 years, and I can see no difference. I have not found any method of deflecting the stress/anger in 11 years of trying. Hand holding doesn't work, agreeing just eggs it on, offering a more constructive method of dealing with it gets anger, I have run out of ideas.

It has driven such a wedge between us that we devolved into a sexless marriage. My wife thinks I have a performance issue, or am withholding sex out of spite. The truth is in her constant mental state of distress I find her unattractive and do not know how to remedy that.

I am by no means perfect, and there are plenty of things to pick at. I am hopelessly forgetful, and not handy by any stretch of the imagination. But small things like buying the wrong type of deoderant shouldn't be hour long rants.

I am hoping for advice on minimally how to even approach the subject with her. She has a blame and get angry first conversational style, and I know I shouldn't but I start getting defensive. I am afraid that I will do something that will dissolve our marriage. Either just say screw it one day and get a divorce, or fall for someone that is kind to me.


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## PBear

So she's been in therapy for years... Have the two of you tried marriage counseling?

You could also try "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and see if any bells go off. And "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ilovebooks

Thanks Pbear,

Went together to therapy for a short period, it became another place for her to vent. Maybe a different therapist would help.

Thanks for the book suggestions, I will look into them.


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## Almostrecovered

therapy only helps if the patient utilizes and works on the issues with the therapist

personally I think if a therapist has worked with a patient for that long and hasn't seen any improvement or hard work by the patient to correct things then the therapist needs to cut ties and recommend someone else


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## 6301

How about just telling her to shove it sideways and for her to find someone else to pick on. 

Your her husband not her whipping boy and when the bad mouthing starts, you have the ways and means to stop it. 

The longer you let her get away with hurling it all on you, the worse it will get. I'm not suggesting that you file for divorce. What I'm saying is open your mouth and let her know that if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head then don't say anything at all and let her know that your not taking it any longer.


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## Chris Taylor

My wife will get like this. Kids, finances, etc... just get her crazy sometimes. What I have found is that when she exercises she can handle stress a lot better than when she doesn't.

Also as 6301 said you need to put your foot down. Do it in a calm and reasonable manner. "I know you're stressed but I didn't cause the problem at work so don't take it out on me. If you'd like to discuss it calmly, maybe I can help."

The other thing is that when she starts going overboard, you need to stop the conversation. "Why don't we discuss this when things are calm", get up and walk away. I'm willing to bet that in the past she's start getting wrapped around the axle and you'd sit there and take it, just reinforcing the idea in her head that what she is doing is OK. Walking away shows her it isn't.


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## Ilovebooks

Yes, you are right. I need to stop enabling a lot of this. I am a peace maker by nature. 

I think her present therapist has had more than enough time to help with stress coping. I definitely have no desire to have her handle our counseling. I have been researching counselors today.

Through all of this I am most concerned with how self-destructive the behavior is for my wife. I am just the easy outlet, even if we find a better place for us communicating I am worried my wife will simply find another rage outlet. That isn't any healthier, and will eventually circle back around to where we are now.

It is hard to watch a person you love hurting themselves. She is a borderline insomniac now.


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## Uptown

Ilovebooks said:


> She is a *borderline insomniac* now.


Or, perhaps, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Books, I'm not saying she has the full-blown disorder but, rather, that she might have strong traits of it. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, frequent temper tantrums and hissy fits lasting several hours, always being "The Victim" and blaming you for every misfortune -- are some of the red flags for BPD. Yet, if she really does have strong BPD traits, you also should be seeing other traits like rapid mood flips, impulsiveness (e.g., excessive eating or spending) and black-white thinking (e.g., frequent use of expressions such as "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER...").

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you will find a more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Books.


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## Ilovebooks

Hi Uptown
Thanks for the input. There are a few of the traits she exhibits, but they also could indicate other issues. I am hoping visiting a counselor will shake a few of these things out.
I am very hesitant to armchair diagnose, and it is even more dangerous for me to speculate as I am in the middle of this and have no way to objectively view her behavior.


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## Blonde

I was going to tell you that my H would say "wow, you are so stressed out! You KNOW there's a cure for that: Sex relieves stress!" (hour long rant nipped in bud in favor of some stress relief...)

But then I read this:



Ilovebooks said:


> I
> It has driven such a wedge between us that we devolved into a *sexless marriage. My wife thinks I have a performance issue, or am withholding sex out of spite. *The truth is in her constant mental state of distress I find her unattractive and do not know how to remedy that.
> 
> I am by no means perfect, and there are plenty of things to pick at. I am hopelessly forgetful, and not handy by any stretch of the imagination. But small things like buying the wrong type of deoderant shouldn't be hour long rants.


If you were a woman, you'd be getting raked over the coals for the sexual witholding. Per TAM member who posts under the name "unbelievable", Sex is a need like food and air. :smnotworthy:

Your W is sexually frustrated and likely feels rejected and unloved and those feelings spew out sideways over deodorant.


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## Ilovebooks

I feel guilty, awful about where our intimacy is. I am sexually frustrated too, and I do not even know how to start to fix it until we can comfortably sit in the same room together

I cannot even count how many times I have thought about initiating during the day, and then we start talking and it completely stops. I find myself trying to find anything else I can do (work, chores, etc..) to get away from these conversations.

My wife has never been the initiator in our relationship, maybe once a year on my birthday. I just can't get myself to start things with her no matter how frustrated I have been. I need help to break this cycle. The intimacy problem has been going on for way too long now, but it is a relatively recent issue, compared to the anger problems.


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## Ilovebooks

On a side note, spending today calling marriage counselors. I am going to broach the subject tonight.

This is a humbling, terrifying, experience. I am torn between being hopeful that we will find peace, guilty for letting it get to the point where I am scared for our relationship, and terrified that the only thing we may figure out in counseling is that we can't make each other happy.


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## famethrowa

She sounds like an absolute nightmare; you have my sympathy. Love the bit about buying the wrong deodorant... That's what some women love it seems -- picking fights over useless nonsense. I say this -- if you're not happy, DO something to change it. Whether that's marriage counceling, or leaving her, or trying again to talk to her, just make sure you act. Otherwise this'll go on for years and just look back and wish you did something ages ago. 
Good luck!


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## Ilovebooks

To "your wife sounds like a nightmare"

She is a beautiful human being, her emotional problems are the things that are a nightmare.

My wife has wonderful traits, that is why I fell for her years ago. Her inability to find peace for herself is just a deal breaker. I am not resentful or obsessed with any of the individual spats. The deodorant was just recent. I am having a hard time hoping for serious change.


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## Mr. Nail

I love Books,
I'd be worried too. 
I've been wondering if it would be appropriate to share with you my method of de-stressing my wife. You have to be the right personality for it to work. I'm not sure you are. 

You are making at least 2 mistakes. First Blonde is right you have added sexual frustration to the stress pile she already has. I understand that you are having trouble trusting her enough I also understand that physical symptoms are arising (or not). Activating sex at this point may not be possible, that really worries me.

The other mistake you are making is .. .. .. .. Heck I forgot. Well you know that it isn't you she is upset at but her words are cutting you so much that you are believing it. Can you get past that?

How willing are you to save this? How far will you go? I'll tell you this without fixing the sex and the abuse it can't be fixed. I wish I could tell you that one would fix the other. 

MN


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## Ilovebooks

I am very invested, and willing to do everything short of two things:

Continue to allow an environment where I have to absorb toxic energy on a constant basis.

Be the only one who is supposed to grow and change to make our relationship work.

I am patient and humble so I can live through however nasty our therapy gets, and it is going to be a live one. We just have to be in it together or I am not going to invest in more unhappiness for both of us.


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## Mr. Nail

I thought I posted here but perhaps it was removed. Anyway I have read your reply. I'll be back Sunday.
MN


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## Mr. Nail

After my chat with an abuse Hot line, I get very nervous when a victim just disappears. They kept asking me if I was alone and if i could keep the conversation private. 

I Love Books, are you still there?


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## Ilovebooks

Hi

Just been over the top busy. Opening a new office and it has soaked up much of my time. Also had to travel to two different clients, and each was about 4 hours each way from my house. Keeps my from being able to post.

No worries on my well being. Our issues are of the slow burning variety, and other than obsessing about whether we can be fixed together, there has been no other time spent on our marriage problems.

My wife is very begrudgingly holding to our agreement to refrain from attempting to talk through any of this until we start counseling.

Thank you for the concern...


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## zackie

Ilovebooks said:


> To "your wife sounds like a nightmare"
> 
> She is a beautiful human being, her emotional problems are the things that are a nightmare.
> 
> My wife has wonderful traits, that is why I fell for her years ago. Her inability to find peace for herself is just a deal breaker. I am not resentful or obsessed with any of the individual spats. The deodorant was just recent. I am having a hard time hoping for serious change.


I disagree that her emotions are the problem (everyone deals with stress and has emotions!). It's how she is dealing with her emotions that's the problem..dumping everything on you without concern for your feelings or how it's affecting your marriage. She seems self absorbed. I am in a very similar situation and the negativity can suck the life out of you!


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