# Husband's request - please weigh in



## HealthyMe

I would appreciate a little third party, healthy feedback. Here is the situation:

My husband was fired from his high level job a little over a year ago. He was let go due to ongoing conflict with the chairman of the board. My husband was really devestated, but is now with another company and is trying to move on. Still feels wounded, though.

My brother is in a similar field of business, and was fired from his job about a year ago. Despite many interviews, he has not yet regained employment, and is definitely anxious about his financial situation and the state of the economy. He is divorced, and would prefer not to move away from his children. 

Recently, my brother was asked to interview for my husband's old job. My husband is feeling like he just could not handle having my brother do this and would like me to tell my brother to back off. "Right or wrong, this is the way I feel and your brother needs to respect that."

My first gut feeling was that my husband should take the higher road and give his blessing to my brother to proceed with the interview process. After all, we are talking about my brother's financial/career situation, not an ex-girlfriend. Historically, I have been a self-sacrificer and made decisions to the benefit of the other person, even if I take a hit in doing so. This is the way I have always been, and it has definitely caused conflict in my marriage. My husband has historically been on the other end of the spectrum - more self centered, making decisions that preserve his own interests, even if it means that the other person takes the hit.

What do you think is the right and healthy thing to do here?

Much, much thanks...


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## WorkingOnMe

A man doesn't interfere with another mans lively hood. Your husband blew it, and its time to get over it.


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## T&T

IMO he should be happy for your brother if he gets his old job...He's not there anymore, so why would he care?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Perhaps your H cherishes hope that his old company will want him back when the COB retires.

Perhaps your H is afraid your brother will do as well (or better than) he, himself, did.

Either way, your H needs to step off! In this economy, no one can afford to starve for your H's PRIDE. And that is REALLY all this is about: your H's PRIDE.

Tell your husband you support your brother going for the job. Then IMMEDIATELY tell your brother that YOU support him going for the job. If your H wants to let his pride rule his better sense in relation to 'security' for the greater family unit, then he's a fool. Let him have enough balls to tell your brother HIMSELF that he doesn't want BIL to go for the job.

I hope your brother gets the job. And I hope your H gets over it!


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## Regga

How does your brother accepting that position affect your husband? Just pride or something else? 
Your brother needs a job and if he's qualified, they'll hire him. 
I don't know all the details, but I could imagine your brother being offended and holding a serious grudge if you asked him not to accept that position. 
I see more drama with you following your husband's request with what little I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uncool

it's up to your brother. What have you got to do with it? I think your brother should be on here asking and not you. If he's close to your husband then yeah it would be a slap in the face. It's kinda like dating your best friends girlfriend. That ain't kewl


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## VermisciousKnid

1. Your husband is out of line. Does he really think that he has any claim to that job any longer? We are ALL replaceable in the workforce. Best get used to it. 

2. Your brother was granted an interview. You don't know if he will get the job.


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## WorkingOnMe

Tell him if he doesn't want your brother to take the job then he can pay all his bills and living expenses. Put his money where his mouth is.


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## 2ntnuf

There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.


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## SadSamIAm

2ntnuf said:


> There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.


I was wondering the same thing. 

Just doesn't make sense that your husband would stand in the way of your brothers ability to make a living.

I think he doesn't want him to be at this job for some other reason.


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## WorkingOnMe

2ntnuf said:


> There is something more to this which your husband does not want revealed. Something important is being hidden, something which will affect your respect for him.


You're probably right. The real reason he was fired will come out. Scandalous.


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## southern wife

WorkingOnMe said:


> Tell him if he doesn't want your brother to take the job then he can pay all his bills and living expenses. Put his money where his mouth is.


:iagree: Perhaps your brother can just move in with you guys.


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## HealthyMe

2ntnuf - Interesting that you would write that. 

Indeed, my husband had an affair with someone at work. The affair is over. The OW no longer works for the company, either. All of that drama is posted on the CWI forum. The affair was presumably not known to anyone else at the company, and my husband did not lose his job due to that. My brother knows that my husband and I are having major marriage issues, and suspects that infidelity is part of the picture, but he does not know any of the details.

I didn't include any of that in the summary of the dilemma, because I didn't feel it was an essential element to the conflict. My husband's probelm with me is that I have historically been a "giver", sometimes in situations when maybe I should have been a "taker". I'll give him that. However, my problem with my husband is just the opposite - a taker in situations when he should have been a giver. My husband still has a lot of emotional baggage from losing that job, and thinks that the emotional backwash of my brother successfully taking over that position would be unbearable. Yes, definitely a pride thing.

As I wrote in the original post, my first reaction was that my husband would just need to get over his ego problem and take the higher road. Because of my tendancy to be a self sacrificer, I felt the need to check in with the court of public opinion. 

Let me also say that my husband and I are in MC, and working hard to rebuild this marriage. This dilemma is minor compared to the work that we are doing on the infidelity piece, but is interestingly related due to the giver/taker dynamic which is inherently part of infidelity anyway.


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## 2ntnuf

It was just an educated guess. I don't remember reading your thread. I don't recognize your username. 

What that means to me is, he is working on himself and these issues will be revealed and worked on in counseling and at home? I hope so. You have something now that blends with the rest of what you have written here. 

I hope you work it out and you are both happy.


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## SadSamIAm

I was thinking more about the reason he was fired. I bet there is a different reason altogether than what he told you. 

Or there might be more to the affair (or more than one) that you aren't aware of.

He doesn't want your brother finding out what he was up to. It isn't about his ego, it is about protecting himself. Ego to me, doesn't make sense in this case.


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## 2ntnuf

SadSamIAm said:


> I was thinking more about the reason he was fired. I bet there is a different reason altogether than what he told you.
> 
> Or there might be more to the affair (or more than one) that you aren't aware of.
> 
> He doesn't want your brother finding out what he was up to. It isn't about his ego, it is about protecting himself. Ego to me, doesn't make sense in this case.


Yeah, I think so too. I thought she would be able to find this out in counseling where they have been going and I think it is related to the other issues she talked about. I just didn't write it. 

I figured she would probably catch on and I could be wrong so the best way, besides her own work digging into his email, etc., would be to talk with the counselor about this and see if he/she could get it out into the open where it could be dealt with in a healthy way. 

They then may be better able to deal with the real issues and be better equipped to make a decision about their marriage, hard work to R or not without quite as much pain.


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## HealthyMe

I'm still in the room, so you can talk to me directly! 

Yes, I think there is also a chance that he is protecting himself. I'm fairly certain that I know most of the damaging details (I've seen the HR documents, etc), but if there is anything that I've learned as a betrayed spouse, it is that the wayward spouse always lies.

If we put that issue aside, though, and just look at the primary dilemma, it seems that the majority of people who responded thought that my husband should take the moral high road. Which is what I thought. My husband's issue is more about my loyalty to him by looking out for his best interests, not my brother's. My husband is telling me that he is going to have a problem with my brother interviewing for the job, and that as his wife, whether it is right or wrong, I should support him by advising my brother to let it go.


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## janesmith

total b*tch move. I would totally stay out of this. If my husband has a problem with my brother applying for a job he needs to grow a pair and address it with him. Watch....cause he wont. but as the wife you cant be in the middle unless you stand there willingly


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> My husband's issue is more about my loyalty to him by looking out for his best interests, not my brother's. My husband is telling me that he is going to have a problem with my brother interviewing for the job, and that as his wife, whether it is right or wrong, I should support him by advising my brother to let it go.


I call BS :bsflag:

How is it in your husband's "best interest" to have a complete stranger take his old job? Why would he care WHO takes his old job? At his old company? For whom he no longer works?



> as his wife, whether it is right or wrong, I should support him


Considering he has HAD AN AFFAIR, I think that's LAUGHABLE...if he was here instead of you, I'D LAUGH IN HIS FACE! He's got some major-sized BALLS on him!


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## 2ntnuf

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I call BS :bsflag:
> 
> *How is it in your husband's "best interest" to have a complete stranger take his old job?*
> 
> He won't have to deal with anything that may come up. There may be nothing more, but he doesn't want to deal with anything else. There are always untruths that go along with the truth. That's what he is avoiding if he has told you the truth. Lot's of "I heard this. Oh, I heard that. Oh, is it true that...?" No one needs this, especially if they are up to their neck in marital trouble. However, some of it could be true. There could also be something you don't know. Who knows for sure. You have enough on your plate now. No need to add the what ifs.
> 
> *Why would he care WHO takes his old job? At his old company? For whom he no longer works?*
> 
> See above. LOL I went farther than I thought.
> 
> Considering he has HAD AN AFFAIR, I think that's LAUGHABLE...if he was here instead of you, I'D LAUGH IN HIS FACE! He's got some major-sized BALLS on him!


Don't know if he has BBB's(big brass balls) or not. You will know by how he acts. It will come out. More than likely he is bluffing the bbb's, but you won't know for sure until you see what happens when he is backed into a corner and that might not be pretty. That's why I wanted you to talk with your counselor. Protect your feelings and yourself and who knows maybe he needs protection from going nutty over losing you? If he truly loves you, this is possible.


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## 2ntnuf

HealthyMe said:


> I'm still in the room, so you can talk to me directly!
> 
> Yes, I think there is also a chance that he is protecting himself. I'm fairly certain that I know most of the damaging details (I've seen the HR documents, etc), but if there is anything that I've learned as a betrayed spouse, it is that the wayward spouse always lies.
> 
> If we put that issue aside, though, and just look at the primary dilemma, it seems that the majority of people who responded thought that my husband should take the moral high road. Which is what I thought. My husband's issue is more about my loyalty to him by looking out for his best interests, not my brother's. My husband is telling me that he is going to have a problem with my brother interviewing for the job, and that as his wife, whether it is right or wrong, I should support him by advising my brother to let it go.




Sorry. Thought you left and I left. LOL Didn't mean to hurt you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think he's got BBBs just by virtue of the fact that he asked his wife to support him "right or wrong"...uh, that would be the wife he was CHEATING ON! Is she supposed to support *that* "wrong", too? 

He is ballzy!


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## 2ntnuf

janesmith said:


> total b*tch move. * I would totally stay out of this. If my husband has a problem with my brother applying for a job he needs to grow a pair and address it with him.* Watch....cause he wont. but as the wife you cant be in the middle unless you stand there willingly


I tend to agree with this. It is his job and his responsiblity to find another. The one that is gone is gone. You should not be in the middle of this, but because you are married, you are in the middle by defacto. 

I believe your responsiblity is only in if he asks you if you would want to move because he can't find a job in the area for example. Then, you should give him you answer and a reason or two why and discuss it because it really affects you too.

I think if he is just looking at another job that is similar, what's the big deal? Nothing to discuss.

Now, it is your husbands responsiblilty in my opinion to deal with his issues on his own. He needs to talk with your brother. You only need made aware that he is going to speak with him if he thinks it is something where the outcome of the discussion might affect your life. Otherwise, I think he should just talk with your brother. So, there are issues and what I believe them to be, I have written in the response to SGW's quote so that you, OP wil understand what I am referring to.

You know this. I don't have to say this. I don't know why I did, but I'm leaving it here. I respect you.


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## 2ntnuf

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I think he's got BBBs just by virtue of the fact that he asked his wife to support him "right or wrong"...uh, that would be the wife he was CHEATING ON! Is she supposed to support *that* "wrong", too?
> 
> He is ballzy!


No, she should not support that wrong. Thanks for helping me to understand. I think his BBB's are just a defense mechanism, but I could be wrong.


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## 2ntnuf

HeathyMe, are you still here?

I'll check back in a couple minutes. Hope you are okay, HealthyMe


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## Mavash.

I just put myself in this position hypothetically. My sister was fired from a high paying job and yes she carried some emotional baggage from it. 

If A YEAR later her husband's sister wanted to apply for the job she would have taken the high road. She might not have been thrilled about it but she would never stand in someone else's way to make a living especially in this economy.

So either he's hiding something or he's just incredibly selfish.


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## EleGirl

How did your husband find out that your brother wants to interview for the job?

I think that it's very likely that your husband's ego is involved here. He sees it has his job that was taken from him. If your brother were to get the job, his ego would have him feeling like your brother took his job away from him. It's silly but I can see someone feeling like that. We all have irrational feelings about things once in a while.

Your husband's request is unreasonble. Just tell him that you understand his feelings. By doing this you will validate his feelings of being hurt over the loss of his job.

But don't talk to your brother. He has a right to his own job search. And don't tell your husband things your brother might say about the job interview.


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## RECHTSANWALT

Your H would rather someone else (other than your brother) got the job. I think he needs to grow up. Maybe you should just tell him that. Otherwise, I suggest you don't get involved.


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## Coffee Amore

HealthyMe said:


> My husband's issue is more about my loyalty to him by looking out for his best interests, not my brother's. My husband is telling me that he is going to have a problem with my brother interviewing for the job, and that as his wife, whether it is right or wrong, I should support him by advising my brother to let it go.


I find your husband's assertion quite amusing. He is questioning your loyalty to him if you don't tell your brother to back from the job? THIS from a man who CHEATED on you with a woman from his workplace? That's rich. Oh the irony. 

Your husband does not have the moral high ground to complain about your loyalty. Honestly if I were in your shoes, and I was told that, I would be livid. 

Stay out of this. Your brother isn't doing anything wrong. If you intervene and tell your brother not to go for this job, you will be in the wrong. Stand up for yourself and refuse to get in the middle. As the others have said, if your husband wants to tell your brother not to take the job, he should tell that to your brother directly, not have you do the dirty work for him.


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## HealthyMe

Thank you to all who responded. With the exception of just one, everyone validated my original thinking on this. I can certainly understand my husband's feelings to a certain point, but sometimes the right and healthy thing to do isn't easy or doesn't feel good initially. I'm going to stick to what I believe is right. Thanks for giving me the double check.


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## HealthyMe

One more thing - to answer EleGirl's question: My brother emailed my husband attaching the correspondance from the company. My brother asked if they could talk about it. My husband replied yes, but they haven't gotten together yet. In the meantime, my husband asked me to get involved. Which I'm not going to do.


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## Biscuits

If your brother owned a company, or chaired the human resources department, then he could have a say. Irregardless, your husband's opinion should be limited to well wishes for your brother. If I were your brother, I would tell your husband if he didn't want me taking his old job, then he should apply for it himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan

Having been in a very similar situation I believe it is all ego and pride.

My wife's boss and our good friend was fired. My wife had been brought into the company with the expectation that she would take his job in a few years when he moved on. Since he felt he was unfairly fired he was very upset that she tossed her hat in the ring for the available position. An immediate axe fell on the friendship. Still cordial but only on a professional level. 

You did decide to remain his wife despite the affair. You should be on his side, but that does not mean you should be involved. Meaning you should be supportive. As everyone has said this is his fight. 

By now it should all be resolved. Any update.


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## curlysue321

Your husband is wrong to stand in the way of your brother's career.


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