# Recently seperated and some thoughts



## Maths_Boy (Jul 10, 2015)

Hi all!

I'm a long time reader of this forum as my ex partner (engaged to be married) and I were having issues which I'll expand upon in a moment and found it to be a great help.

Basically, we have been together 13 years, have 3 kids (9, 6 and 5 years old) and were engaged to be married but hadn't actually set a date, this was down to me as I felt there were issues needing dealt with first, namely a complete lack of affection and really what I expected from a loving relationship. My issues were always in relation to this, there was very little in the way of kissing and cuddling, touching and although sex was relatively frequently (once or twice a week if I was lucky!), it felt very clinical and that she was just doing it to keep me happy (she basically lay there and done nothing, barely moved or made a sound, was quite off-putting at times!!). The subject of the health of our relationship was always brought up by me, usually 2 or 3 times a year I would basically beg for her to make more of an effort, we never used to go out on dates since the kids were born, even though both our parents were happy to babysit, but if her friends wanted her to go out all they had to do was ask and she'd immediately make time and find money to go out. Money was another issue, it was a struggle to make ends meet every month but she always had cash to go out, buy things (to be fair it was usually things for the house or the kids, but she enjoyed buying new clothes quite often).

So to cut a long story short (I feel I'm beginning to rant!! haha!), in October last year I think it had been around a fortnight without any physical stuff, I had practically begged her to make some time for me one night so we could sit and chat and hopefully have a romantic night. She came downstairs to the loo, then went straight back upstairs to bed and fell asleep, I kinda lost my cool a bit and said things I'm not entirely proud of, the worst being that she couldn't keep another man as she was so useless at trying to keep our relationship healthy. I moved out for a few days to try and make sense of things and decided that it would be in the best interests of the kids to try to reconcile and somehow come to an agreement that we would both work hard to make things work. she agreed and I moved back in a few days after I moved out.

Fast forward to April this year and I was beginning to suspect things were going from bad to worse. She works 2 nights a week and seemed to have developed a close friendship with a guy she works with. I knew about this friendship for a good couple of years, I had no issue with it as I hadn't had any reason to suspect foul play. But I was sitting one night having a good think about the past couple of years and noticed a few red flags. She was very secretive and protective of her mobile phone, she would arrive home at 11:20pm every night until a couple of years ago when she started coming in any tie from 11:30 til midnight, she said work was busy sometimes, she started to make an effort to lose weight, she changed her hair colour, basically a list of things she never started doing before she started this job a couple of years back. So one day I manage to grab a look at her mobile phone and see a private facebook message to one of her friends (who is having an affair behind her husbands back so a bad influence!!) saying that she told this guy from work she wanted to be more than friends with him.

My world collapses on finding this message, I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated, she is completely unemotional, said that after what I said to her in October she should never have taken me back and only did so for the sake of the kids. I'm a complete mess, I move out again as I'm feeling so low and hurt at having her go behind my back like this. I said if she wanted to pursue another man then so be it, I'd have rather she said it was over than betray me, she accepts that she should have done this but can't turn back the clock etc. Anyway another few days go by, I'm in the angry stage then the devastated stage again, my heads all over the place and I reach out again and say lets go out, talk, see how we feel etc. We have a good chat, I say she's broken my trust completely etc but eventually I move back in on the promise that we both properly make a go of it, we both work very hard on the relationship and no more excuses, lies and secrets. She agrees and the next 2 weeks are fantastic, we're spending time together, it's almost as if we're falling in love all over again. The suspicion is still there though and I think to myself I need to overcome this and put it behind me, I'll check her phone contacts one last time as she said she deleted this guy from her contacts, I go into her contacts through icloud, his name isn't there, thank god. But wait, that's his number, under a females name, she hid his number under a womans name to conceal the fact she was still in touch with him. I decide this time that I've been walked all over for the last time, I move into my mum and dads place until I can sub let a flat that has come up and promise myself to never go back.

I find out recently that 2 weeks after I moved out she started seeing a different guy this time, I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this point, I know I'm well shot of her but there's still a part of me that hates the fact she showed absolutely NO emotional through the whole ordeal, it's strange that after 13 years someone can move on SO quickly. I have access to the kids every other weekend and I'm in contact with the kids through phone and texts etc, it's very difficult not being a part of their everyday life, but hopefully when I find my feet and get settled down that part will improve. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this to be honest as I seem to have reached a bit of closure on the whole thing, it still hurts really bad though and I wish we could've sorted things out but it seemed all the passion and fighting for the relationship was only coming from me.

Wow I've ranted on a fair bit haven't I? :surprise::smile2:


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Maths_Boy said:


> it's strange that after 13 years someone can move on SO quickly.


She didn't move on sooooo quickly. She checked out of your marriage long ago .

I hope things fall into place soon for you so you can have the kids more.

Sorry you're here. But, welcome!


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## Maths_Boy (Jul 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> She didn't move on sooooo quickly. She checked out of your marriage long ago .
> 
> I hope things fall into place soon for you so you can have the kids more.
> 
> Sorry you're here. But, welcome!


Yeah the penny dropped about how little she cared a while ago, still feels odd though seeing the speed of which she has moved on, 2 weeks is an incredible speed although as you say, for her it's probably been years.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Maths_Boy said:


> Yeah the penny dropped about how little she cared a while ago, still feels odd though seeing the speed of which she has moved on, 2 weeks is an incredible speed although as you say, for her it's probably been years.



Perhaps you are looking for emotional support and writing down your story might be cathartic for you. It does take time to lose the love and accept that a long term relationship that you thought would last unttil death, has ended in the way it had.

Only thing to do is look back and learn. What were the issues? How much did I contribute to the break down of the relationship? If she was dysfunctional, why did I stay with her? It is good to analyze the past to avoid the same problem in the future. Signs that you might not have noticed before, you will be more aware of them now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When women emotionally check out, they are done (and don't usually look back). So while it seems quick to you, it wasn't quick at all for her because she'd been done for some time. It's natural to want to figure out why it happened but you'll never know what really went on in her head. Focus on you moving forward. Time helps.


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