# still hoping



## man.in.pain

Hi, brand new here...been lurking around for some time and finally decided to join. Here is my story, i will try to keep itas short as possible.
I have been married for 12 years for a woman I always lovedwith all my heart. We have two beautiful kids, 4&6. The marriage was better than average. We never fought or argued much. Sex was ok, nothing special, just average. We are both in our mid 30,s. We both have nice jobs, were making decent money...vacationed a lot....it was nice. In Marc my, now ex, wife told me she wants a divorce...It was a big shock to me. For the previous three weeks she was working a lot....during the day her regular job, and in the evenings working on her MLM business (pyramid scheme). In those three weeks we got disconnected and grew apart. I know its short amount of time to grow apart, but we did. Two weeks later I found out she is seeing someone else, a married man. It hurt like hell. I confronted her nicely, without any anger or yelling. She admitted to EA and sent him a text right away saying they have to end it. I contacted OM's wife....both my ex and OM were pissed about this. One week later she moves out with the kids to her parents house. Another devastating day for me. I did everything wrong the first two months...cried, begged....we did try to reconcile twice...both times it lasted a week. I just didnt see anything from her. We had a great sex those two weeks....but still nothing. Had one MC and she did not want to go any more. Said she is done and can not give it another try. 
In the meantime she said a lod of things that didnt make much sense to me. Saying she was not happy for 12 years...cant remember any good moments...that i killed all emontions and love in her...I guess the typical stuff. We filed for divorce together and it was done rather quick. She got the custody of the kids, 50-50 parenting time....child support. Even during the separation and divorce we did not fight or argue. 
The divorce was final 3 weeks ago, and I find myself constantly thinking about reconciliation. We do not talk much, only when it's about the kids. No talk about past, future or anything else. I can say we are being very civil. I have been going out with some friends, going to gym, taking care of myself. Did a complete 180, even beforeI heard about it. I do not know if she is still seeing OM. I do not ask her. 
I want to get back with her....i still love her very much, even after all the things she said and done. I just dont know how to approach it. Wait for it? Talk to her? Any word of advice or encouragment?
Thank you


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## spun

man.in.pain said:


> Hi, brand new here...been lurking around for some time and finally decided to join. Here is my story, i will try to keep itas short as possible.
> I have been married for 12 years for a woman I always lovedwith all my heart. We have two beautiful kids, 4&6. The marriage was better than average. We never fought or argued much. Sex was ok, nothing special, just average. We are both in our mid 30,s. We both have nice jobs, were making decent money...vacationed a lot....it was nice. In Marc my, now ex, wife told me she wants a divorce...It was a big shock to me. For the previous three weeks she was working a lot....during the day her regular job, and in the evenings working on her MLM business (pyramid scheme). In those three weeks we got disconnected and grew apart. I know its short amount of time to grow apart, but we did. Two weeks later I found out she is seeing someone else, a married man. It hurt like hell. I confronted her nicely, without any anger or yelling. She admitted to EA and sent him a text right away saying they have to end it. I contacted OM's wife....both my ex and OM were pissed about this. One week later she moves out with the kids to her parents house. Another devastating day for me. I did everything wrong the first two months...cried, begged....we did try to reconcile twice...both times it lasted a week. I just didnt see anything from her. We had a great sex those two weeks....but still nothing. Had one MC and she did not want to go any more. Said she is done and can not give it another try.
> In the meantime she said a lod of things that didnt make much sense to me. Saying she was not happy for 12 years...cant remember any good moments...that i killed all emontions and love in her...I guess the typical stuff. We filed for divorce together and it was done rather quick. She got the custody of the kids, 50-50 parenting time....child support. Even during the separation and divorce we did not fight or argue.
> The divorce was final 3 weeks ago, and I find myself constantly thinking about reconciliation. We do not talk much, only when it's about the kids. No talk about past, future or anything else. I can say we are being very civil. I have been going out with some friends, going to gym, taking care of myself. Did a complete 180, even beforeI heard about it. I do not know if she is still seeing OM. I do not ask her.
> I want to get back with her....i still love her very much, even after all the things she said and done. I just dont know how to approach it. Wait for it? Talk to her? Any word of advice or encouragment?
> Thank you


More than likely she was heavily involved with the OM for a while before she told you she had no feelings for you. You did not just drift apart in 3 weeks. 

She likely continues to see the OM or someone else to this day.

People do R after D, but it is very unlikely, especially so soon after the D.

She is showing no signs of wanting to R. She needs to come to you if that is what she wants. Talking to her will do no good. 

Stop thinking about her and work on you. 

You need to accept this D as your reality, or you are going to lead a very unhappy life. 

Go build a better life without her.

Maybe she will want to join your new life. Maybe she won't.

The point is that either way, you need to move on from the past, and embrace life in the present.


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## man.in.pain

Thanks for the reply spun. I know for a fact that she was not involved with OM until she asked for a divorce. I had her phone log, messages amd email. It's very possible she is still seeing him...I do not know. 
I am working on myself...going to IC, joined divorce support group, going out, working out, going back to school. Its a slow process of healing, i understand that. But just sometimes, when i see her and the look in her eyes I think she feels sorry how the things ended. But I also know she will never say those words. I am only showing her that I am ok and happy. We do have to small kids that I love a lot and am very much involved in their life. She does say I am a good person and a great father. I sometimes want to ask her what about a husband, but I dont. I am afraid she will hurt me with her response. 
I would like to somehow show her that I still love her and would like to work things out, but I do not want to do it with words. And right now there is no action i can take to show it to her. In the meantime I am slowly moving on with my life....baby steps.


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## This is me

That is a shame the Divorce happened so fast. From what you say, she was going through a MLC. Mine started describing our marriage as if it was terrible, when actually it was better than good. Not perfect, but very good for 17 years. It was the fog.

If you could have given her some time to work through it, it may have prevented the D and given her time to shake the MLC demon, which in my eyes is just a form of a temporary depression.

There is still hope. For the kids sake would she consider MC again? I would frame it as... we will look for a MC we can both agree with and keep looking until we are both comfortable. If she could agree to that, then there is still hope.

A pro-marriage licensed MC is best.

In the mean time, improve yourself and be confident. This is attractive. All the other signs you gave her were weak and unattractive. You can only change yourself and sometimes this changes the other.

I wish you well.


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## man.in.pain

This is me said:


> That is a shame the Divorce happened so fast. From what you say, she was going through a MLC. Mine started describing our marriage as if it was terrible, when actually it was better than good. Not perfect, but very good for 17 years. It was the fog.
> 
> If you could have given her some time to work through it, it may have prevented the D and given her time to shake the MLC demon, which in my eyes is just a form of a temporary depression.
> 
> There is still hope. For the kids sake would she consider MC again? I would frame it as... we will look for a MC we can both agree with and keep looking until we are both comfortable. If she could agree to that, then there is still hope.
> 
> A pro-marriage licensed MC is best.
> 
> In the mean time, improve yourself and be confident. This is attractive. All the other signs you gave her were weak and unattractive. You can only change yourself and sometimes this changes the other.
> 
> I wish you well.


Thank you for your wishes. I do not think its MLC affecting her...I might be wrong, she is only 34. Is it possible to have MLC at that age? She does not want MC. I am going to counseling for my own benefit. 
We went to kids sport practice together today and had a friendly chat. About kids and my job. We did give each other a few smiles and it felt good . I am afraid to do anything at this point...if I go 180 I might lose her...if I stay good friend I am afraid of just that, being friends. Any advice? What to do...I really think that I have not lost her forever. Just because there was no bad words, arguing or fighting during the divorce. The whole thing happened way too fast, so I really think she did not have time to think it through...I dont want to just give up so fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## man.in.pain

Anyone here had a similar situation where the things happened this fast?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

I believe that when someone suddenly makes a damaging and drastic change it is very likely a MLC and although it usually hits in the 40's, can happen in the 30's and 50's. One of the likely events to happen is an EA which can lead to a PA. The fog makes other pastures look so much greener.

Yes 180. It is for you not her and you need it. One of the fallouts from 180ing is that it makes you more confident and attractive, which is sometimes noticed by the wayward.

Either way it helps you. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.


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## zookeeper

Sorry bud, but it's over. Time to move on. There's no magic formula you will come across to make her change her mind.

You think everything was great and a few weeks of extra work on her part caused you to grow apart? Seriously? She is telling the truth that she was unhappy for a long time. Sadly, she never showed you this until it was too late. Or perhaps she thought she had but it was not clear enough for you to see it. Unfortuately many people do this. They hide their unhappiness until it is no longer bearable. It seems that women often make up their minds that it is over well before they actually tell you. 

Don't let your kids see you as a sniveling worm who keeps trying to beg his way back where he is no longer wanted. Be a strong, confident mand who is secure inm himself and has self-respect. This is an important example you can set for them in these critical development years.

Good luck in your struggle.


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## MSC71

man.in.pain said:


> Thank you for your wishes. I do not think its MLC affecting her...I might be wrong, she is only 34. Is it possible to have MLC at that age? She does not want MC. I am going to counseling for my own benefit.
> We went to kids sport practice together today and had a friendly chat. About kids and my job. We did give each other a few smiles and it felt good . I am afraid to do anything at this point...if I go 180 I might lose her...if I stay good friend I am afraid of just that, being friends. Any advice? What to do...I really think that I have not lost her forever. Just because there was no bad words, arguing or fighting during the divorce. The whole thing happened way too fast, so I really think she did not have time to think it through...I dont want to just give up so fast.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have already lost her. She divorced you. Sucks, but its reality. Doing the 180 is best, but in the end the 180 is for you, not her. 

She had plenty of time to think it through. Listen, this is something she was thinking about a long time before you knew. Likely it is something she thought about for years. No need to waste energy trying to figure out what she thought or is thinking.


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## man.in.pain

Well, for the first time in the last 4-5 months we had the "talk". Told each other how sorry we are for the pain we caused each other. She heard from someone I have a new GF, which I do not, and said that is OK if I do....but I could see the pain in her eyes. She told me she is not with the OM and was honest about EA. Well, she sounded honest. I idd tell her its BS that she was not happy for a long time...we had a lot of dates together, went on a few vacations together, and few with the kids. We did everything together....from shopping, cooking, cleaning up the house, going out...from what I read everywhere she was in typical MLC...or affair fog. To me they are very similar. Rewriting marital history to trying to find herself. 
I am moving on with my life as if there is no turning back, and most likely there is no. Doing 180, being the best father I can be, she even told me that yesterday. I am going out, hitting the gym. The pain is gone, but I still miss my family life. Either way, I know 180 is for me. Life goes on.
Yesterday we told each other we are keeping the door open for any possible future reconciliation. I am not putting too much hope into it. 
You never know...


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## deejov

I hate to say this.... but it sounds like she got dumped, so she's now willing to "talk" about R. Plan B sucks. 

If it helps, keep reminding yourself of how quickly she dropped 12 years of a marriage for a 3 week "fling" with a married man. 

Trickle truth. She doesn't want to hurt you, because you are plan B now that she doesn't have someone to share. 

And ask yourself WHY you want to be with someone who so quickly threw you away... instead of dealing with her issues, whatever they are. Are you willing to live with someone who will keep secrets, re-write history, and live on the "edge" waiting for her to toss you aside again? 

Don't you deserve a FULL relationship? Of course you do.


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## man.in.pain

deejov said:


> I hate to say this.... but it sounds like she got dumped, so she's now willing to "talk" about R. Plan B sucks.
> 
> If it helps, keep reminding yourself of how quickly she dropped 12 years of a marriage for a 3 week "fling" with a married man.
> 
> Trickle truth. She doesn't want to hurt you, because you are plan B now that she doesn't have someone to share.
> 
> And ask yourself WHY you want to be with someone who so quickly threw you away... instead of dealing with her issues, whatever they are. Are you willing to live with someone who will keep secrets, re-write history, and live on the "edge" waiting for her to toss you aside again?
> 
> Don't you deserve a FULL relationship? Of course you do.


You are so right. I do keep reminding myslef about that...also that the things would never be the same, or even close. I do not want to live in the fear of being dumped or cheated on again. But than again...i do beleive that we all make mistakes, but in this case i would need to see a lot of remorse from her. Right now, I do not see it.
Few days ago our mutual friends "grilled" her about the whole thing. Really poured it to her. She was crying and telling them how unhappy she was...they called BS on everything she said. About a month before the separation we all went out together and she was telling them how much in love she is with me, even after 12 years. Now they questioned her about everything...told her how she lacks morals...how she does not deserve the custody of the kids. I guess it was quite painful for her...at the end, he told her she is not welcome to their house any longer...man, am I glad to have a friends like that.
But so far everyone here is right. And trust me, I do feel better. Yes, i still do love her...can't help it.


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## Bpm2616

I unfortunately have to agree with zookeeper. I am going thru it right now. A bomb was dropped on my head 3 weeks ago. Married 9 years, 8 year old son, she is 42. Said she had fallen out of love with me a few years ago. I was so blind. I have taken in all that she has said in these very long 3 weeks and have come to the conclusion that it is over. I have been a freaking train wreck. She had gone thru her emotions a long time ago and is ready to move on, where I am in complete devastation. How do these things happen I don't know but they do. When I asked her if she wanted a divorce she said she doesn't know. I needed answers so i went to speak with a lawyer and said I was filing that day. When I asked her again she was able to overcome her fears and agreed it was the right decision. I know the pain you are going thru, believe me. For the sake of our aspergers son she (I think is guilt ridden) agreed to go to MC. When she says she doesn't have it in her heart to fix us but will do it for our son, I don't know if this will turn into a prolonged heart ache for me or a miracle R. Honestly I have my doubts. I dont give easily though and by the way She was in a FB EA also. Good luck, stay strong!!!


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