# Long Term Relationship Ambivalence.....help!



## Mr.Conflicted (Jan 6, 2012)

Hey everybody, thanks for reading my post. I've been very back and forth mentally with this relationship i'm in, and I just need some good advice, so here we go....

I'm 28, and I've been with my gf for almost 5 years. We met when I was 23, dated for a month or 2, and then because of certain circumstances that she found herself in, I told her she could move in with me for the time being. I enjoyed having her around, and we've been living together ever since. It was a very fast move for such a young relationship!

We've moved around lots since then, and have had lots of ups and downs. There have been many, many fights and cold stages in our relationship, so bad that i'm surprised in a way we are still together, BUT we have in reached a point where we never get into fights anymore and are both very good at preventing any heated moments before they start. 
We have a great relationship in many other ways too. We're both very supportive of one another, we enjoy being around one another and doing activities together, when we have sex it's enjoyable and nice for both of us, and we also have great communication. 

I love her too. She's a joy to be around most of the time, she's become a loved member of my family, she'd make a great mother, she's driven and knows what she wants in life, she has a great sense of humor and loves my jokes that no one else laughs at, and we love all the same foods! 

BUT, for some reason, I have been pretty much ambivalent about this relationship right from the get go. I just don't know if i'm coming or going. There is a memory I have that haunts me, and it is when we were in the first stage of dating before she moved in with me. There was a voice in my head that told me that I should not be pursuing this seriously, and that one day I would have to leave the relationship and break her heart. Very weird. I chose to just go with the flow, experience what laid ahead of me, and see what happens.

Here is where my confilct comes in though. She is the only girl I have slept with, and if I continue being with her then I will never ever get to experience having sex with other women. This may sound like a selfish or shallow thought to some, but the truth is that the thought of this really bugs me. From my perspective, life is all about experiencing as many things as you can, and learning about who you are and what you can give back to the world. I feel that i'm limiting so many potential experiences by tying myself down to one person for life, and I will have some deep regrets if I end up getting married to my gf. Not to say that I don't want to get married, because I do one day (I think anyways), but getting married at this stage in my life....I feel i just havn't lived enough yet to fully commit myself to one person and be happy about my decision! I also don't even know if I want to marry her, and that scares me. I feel that I should just 'know' the answer, but I don't! I feel like such a jerk because of this! I honestly don't even know how to separate 'love' from 'in love'. I don't know if i'm 'in love' with her, or if I just 'love' her! 


We're also talking about buying a house right now so she can start up her business, but I feel so awful about it because i'm having these repeated feelings. I feel that if I am supposed to be on my own right now, then now is the time to do it. Otherwise, time will keep passing by and before I know it i'll be 30 and she'll be expecting an engagement ring. But how am I supposed to go through all these stages feeling the way I do?

Anyways, i know that my gf is a good catch. i do, i just can't seem to get these fantasies out of my head about being with other women. there's only one way to deal with this situation i feel, and it's either forgetting about the idea of ever sleeping with other woman and being happy with what i have already, or i can leave and be single for a couple of years so i can fully experience what i feel i've missed out on and 'sow my wild oats' so to speak. whichever road i take though, i don't want to have regrets and i just want to feel confident that i'm doing the right thing.

thanks for reading my post, 

-mr.conflicted


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

My views are to be expected. I suppose she was also a virgin. If that is the case be happy you have her. Youre unlikely to get another. A woman makes the bond with the one who took her virginity away. I may add youre not missing anything.


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Honestly, i think that if you let her go, you will regret it. I know that sex with other people sounds exciting, but thats just a phase, a road that people go down to find the "real deal" and it sounds like you already have that. WIth out the STD's the One night stands, the kids from past realtionships and that drama... Sex with all sorts of people leads to DRAMA!!! Be happy that you found the right girl with out all of the B.S. that most everybody goes through to get what you already have... You sound pretty BLESSED to me !!!


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

accept said:


> My views are to be expected. I suppose she was also a virgin. If that is the case be happy you have her. Youre unlikely to get another. A woman makes the bond with the one who took her virginity away. I may add youre not missing anything.


He's right you know. Imagine experiencing other women...in the end, sex is sex, but you would have lost a best friend. You may live the rest of your life with someone who can't even laugh at your jokes. It sounds silly now, but these are the little things that we miss that become big holes in our hearts. You have someone who you truly are compatible with. Is she, and all she is and does, worth the trade-in? So, you split, experience a few women and then what? You find it's nothing but sex...you can't turn the clock back. you can never again say to her that you were never with another woman. I think you need to really think about WHAT is important in life and weigh it all out. Sounds to me like you have, in your realationship, what so many couples long for! Crazy sex gets old. Good sex with someone you love is the best.
Maybe you COULD be in love with her if your focus was removed from thinking of what you haven't experienced and realizing what you DO have? Just don't throw away a good thing. You will regret it the rest of your life.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

You have a great relationship but I believe that you should listen to your instinct too. It normally tells you what you should do.

Maybe you should go away on your own for a couple of weeks, clear your head and think about what you really want. Only you can know what will make you happy.

Hope things work out.


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## Mr.Conflicted (Jan 6, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughtful responses everybody, you all had some very good points. 
However, I still keep going back and forth about this. I felt great after reading the replies here, knowing that I do have a good woman and a great relationship. But then days later I start to wonder again and feel nervous and unsure of moving forward. I've had these feelings for so long that now I can't tell if they're intuitive or if I am just so stuck in my head that nothing is clear anymore. I know that we could technicaly have a good future together, but I just can't help but feel like I've strayed from my path and should be doing something else. When we met I was trying to make it as a musician, it was my dream. I was and still am very talented, but it seems that it's all fading away for some reason. I know I should be able to follow my dreams and also maintain a relationship, but I feel like I'm just ultimately conforming to somebody she wants me to be; your typical working class white collar guy who's number one focus is on her, the relationship, money, starting a family down the road....I feel like i'm going to lose that passion and desire I had for being a musician, and I'll just be unhappy. I know she supports me and my music, but I also know that she wants it to be a hobby, and not a career choice. If only I could turn back time, I would have taken a break from her years ago to fully commit to myself and my goals, but now I am just so far into this relationship that it just seems like a crazy idea. Ugh...maybe I need some professional counselling! I just feel crazier and crazier the more I think about this stuff.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

It sounds like you are grieving for a lost passion but you love your partner. I understand because at times I am scared of getting married and having children and being unable to invest in property anymore (this is my passion and who I am). In this situation you feel like you're 2 different people. One day you want to have a stable life, the next you just want to run away and fulfill all of your passions on your own. It's very confusing! I benefited from seeing a psychologist. Perhaps book in to see a psychologist, they are very helpful to sort through all of your confusing emotions. Right now you can't think clearly so won't be able to really know what you want. Also, try the book 'too good to leave, too bad to stay'. It's about relationship ambivalence.


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## Mr.Conflicted (Jan 6, 2012)

Loveimage: Thank you, yes seeing a psychologist would be good for sorting this stuff out for sure. Also, i've read most of Too Good to Stay Too Bad to Stay, but found that it wasn't really making a connection with me as to what I was going through. 

Anyhow, a bit of an update.

Tonight my gf asked me if I still wanted to buy a house with her, I said yeah. She noticed that I wasn't being enthusiastic about it, so she called me on it about an hour later. I told her I feel like i'm kind of just going with the flow of it, after all if it wasn't for her business she's creating, we wouldn't be buying right now anyways. She told me that deep down she's been sensing this, and so it led to her finaly confronting me on it. So, we got down to it even more, and when she told me that she thought we were preparing to get serious with our commitments to each other by buying a home together, then getting engaged in the next year or maybe two, and having kids in 7 years, I replied by telling her I was not feeling ready to get engaged in a year, and that all that commitment was still scary for me. I havn't been able to understand fully why the commitement scares me, but I think it's a sign that i'm not ready for some reason. Maybe it relates to my lack of experience with other women/relationships, which subconsciously sends me the feelings of unsureness and ambivelance, or maybe it's because I want to have a career as a musician, which i know she doesn't want me to have if we're going to be together. Anyways, so now that she knows that i'm having these feelings again (we went through this last may and almost broke up), she is extremely upset and doesn't want to go through with the house with me. And rightfully so too, if I was an observer looking at this from her perspective, I would think that she shouldn't go through this with me, and that she should probably seperate herself from the relationship for a while. For a guy not to know what he wants after a 5 year long relationship, should be a giant red flag for any woman. Unfortunately though, i'm that guy. Anyways, this is obviously a major crossroads in our relationship, and I can sense that we will soon be having a break up conversation. I think i'm sensing that it may be best to seperate for a while, so that I can be on my own, get my head straight and figure out what I want. We've been in this situation before, and nothing has changed. I don't see how it will if things just continue the same way. Nothing seems to get me to say "MAN I WANNA MARRY THIS WOMAN!!", and settle down with her and throw all of my personal goals and dreams away so that I can fully commit to her and making $$$ so that we can get married and start a family. While typing this out, it would seem to me that i'm not ready to fully commit, I guess it just gets hard to fully be aware of that when I usualy just ignore these feelings. Then again, do I just need a good swat across the head and step up? I think that maybe I need to just listen to my insincts, as painful as that may be. 

It kind of helps writing about what's going on though, and feedback is always appreciated. I've tried to talk about this to a couple of other people in my life, but they've never given me any good advice! Don't you ever wish some godly being could just TELL you exactly what you need to do to in order to do the right thing? LOL....i'm not the religous type so online forums will have to do for now.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

I understand exactly what you mean. If some being could tell you that you're making the right decision you could easily break up. I think that is when you have to clear your head and just listen to your instinct. After all, we can only make decisions based on what we know at the time.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Mr.Conflicted said:


> Don't you ever wish some godly being could just TELL you exactly what you need to do to in order to do the right thing?


THERE IS! It's within you - it's called your "gut instinct". Your gut has been telling you for a long time to leave this relationship and pursue your dreams. But you didn't listen to it. It's also told you that is is NOT the girl for you to marry, but you stayed with her for FIVE years. That poor girl. At least you're both still young enough to rebound from this, experience life, and find love again in the future. 

I also want to say "good for you" for being upfront and honest with her. :smthumbup:


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