# Help! My wife pays more attention to her phone than to me



## Amuk

First off, I'd like to say how thankful I feel for the existence of this site and to how many supportive members it seems to have. Our marriage troubles go deeper than what is contained in this message, however I feel this issue is a good place to start. 

Both my wife and I are in college full-time and we have one 5 year old child. My wife constantly seems stressed out about having to do her homework. I can barely get her to help me with the housework or share quality time with me because she often gives me the reason that she is too busy with her homework. I get this same excuse when I ask her to do things like exercise at the YMCA with me.

The thing is that when she is sitting down doing her homework she also has her phone by her side and spends much of her "homework" time texting...or being on facebook, reddit, or some other social/purely-for-entertainment website. I feel we so rarely have quality time together because she's us stressed over the homework she hasn't finished.

Our current financial situation puts paying for a counselor/therapist out of the question. My being honest to her about my feelings that she'd get so much more done more quickly if she'd eliminate the distractions has done no good...she becomes defensive or claims that what she was texting about was of prime importance. She also finds time to go out with friends and stay out late from one to three nights a week and if I make any hint that I would appreciate her prioritizing homework and helping me around the house (with cleaning, bills, yard work, etc.) she claims I'm trying to control her and prevent her from having friends.

I try my best to communicate in "I feel ... when ..." and "I see that ... however I would appreciate ..." statements however she generally reacts by telling me she is feeling personally attacked by what I am saying. How else can I approach presenting my feelings of frustration of her being so stressed out whenever we have time alone together and that I am feeling like her texting, personal entertainment, and social life it taking priority over the two of us being able to have quality time together?


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## PBear

Do you know who she spends so much time in contact with, and what she's saying to them?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amuk

I do my best not to pry, however sometimes I cannot help myself from asking. Most are to/from a few select friends. One is her current best friend, a gay guy that is often bored at work and considers her his only friend. Another is a straight guy that she has no romantic interest in that is often complaining and looking for advice. All in all, I believe there are mostly jokes and general conversation going on. I know sometimes she is complaining about her life, me, or the frustrations of being a mom. Then there are other male and female friends.

Some are with a guy that she does have romantic interest in, and in the past that relationship went farther than I was comfortable with, but there have been promises that they physically behave like they are just friends...however I know sometimes their texts go a bit beyond that but I don't know to what extent because I don't want to pry and I feel like I can be okay (for now) with them fantasizing a bit as long as it doesn't go beyond fantasy and become physical reality. What has happened with this guy and their continued friendship is a whole other can of worms. I can put it aside in my mind for now as long as it exists within the terms of the agreement the two of us have about that relationship. 

Anyway, that last guy has a limited text message plan so he's not part of the almost continual barrage of text message conversations my wife is having. 

One thing that bothers me about the texting is the degree of priority she has to reading and responding to them. Someone will text while we are having a conversation and she will feel a need to take the time to respond just to say that she is busy right now...it is still an interruption to the conversation we were having. To me it is no different than the answering the phone in the middle of a conversation...something that is generally considered inconsiderate. 

There are rare time, like when going out to eat, or on a car ride that I'll ask her to turn off her phone. As long as I ask her on rare occasion she will oblige, but most often she will exhibit some feeling of spite over my request.


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## DanF

Take the phone away until her homework is done. If she can't act like an adult, don't treat her like one.


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## MrK

I almost feel like I went through some kind of Star-Trek like dimensional shift while sleeping last night and woke up to a world where this doesn't seem as bad as it is to everyone. 

Her pals that she texts with instead of having a life with you are all guys. She goes out until late 1-3 nights per WEEK. Let me guess that these nights are NOT dinner and a movie with her best gal pals, or coffee after mani-pedi's. Let me dig deep, go out on a limb and say she's, oh, I don't know...

...partying at meat markets with strange men all night?

Sorry man. Your problem has nothing to do with her being stressed out at school and not helping you with your chores. She is big time having fun with the boys while you take care of her. Financial problems and she's out partying at clubs all night? 

Here's what you do: You get someone who doesn't know her tail her at the clubs. Have him/her docuent some of her most outrageous behavior while there. The boys she parties with, dances with, touches, flirts with all night. Have him get cell phone video if possible. Have him video her leaving club A to go party at club B with a pack of strange men, or maybe even someone's house you don't know. Approach her with that evidence and tell her to unlock her phone IMMEDIATELY and show you all of her texts. (How did I know her phone is password protected?). No time to erase the "compromising" ones.

How many strange men has she had inappropriate contact with and you don't know about a SINGLE ONE OF THEM! Just out of curiosity, what does she TELL you she does while out? (Nobody can EVER answer that one for some reason).

She may not even KNOW she's cheating on you. You may have to prove it to her. She's living single while you stress out and do all of the work.

Good luck. You need it more than you know.


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## Lon

Amuk said:


> I do my best not to pry, however sometimes I cannot help myself from asking. Most are to/from a few select friends. One is her current best friend, a gay guy that is often bored at work and considers her his only friend. Another is *a straight guy that she has no romantic interest in that is often complaining and looking for advice. All in all, I believe there are mostly jokes and general conversation going on. I know sometimes she is complaining about her life, me, or the frustrations of being a mom.* Then there are other male and female friends.
> 
> *Some are with a guy that she does have romantic interest in, and in the past that relationship went farther than I was comfortable with, but there have been promises that they physically behave like they are just friends...however I know sometimes their texts go a bit beyond that but I don't know to what extent because I don't want to pry and I feel like I can be okay (for now) with them fantasizing a bit as long as it doesn't go beyond fantasy and become physical reality.* What has happened with this guy and their continued friendship is a whole other can of worms. *I can put it aside in my mind for now as long as it exists within the terms of the agreement the two of us have about that relationship.*
> 
> Anyway, that last guy has a limited text message plan so he's not part of the almost continual barrage of text message conversations my wife is having.
> 
> One thing that bothers me about the texting is the degree of priority she has to reading and responding to them. Someone will text while we are having a conversation and she will feel a need to take the time to respond just to say that she is busy right now...it is still an interruption to the conversation we were having. To me it is no different than the answering the phone in the middle of a conversation...something that is generally considered inconsiderate.
> 
> There are rare time, like when going out to eat, or on a car ride that I'll ask her to turn off her phone. As long as I ask her on rare occasion she will oblige, but most often she will exhibit some feeling of spite over my request.


So you already know the answer but have put your head in the sand. The homework isn't the problem, she is putting her emotional eggs in other men's baskets and is probably craving (ongoing) physical affection from them. Wake up man, this is your wife she is acting completely inappropriately, she has no right to her secret affairs, you are allowed to demand transparency. At this point you are holding onto your own fantasy and it is not doing you any good, even if your wife is not being physical with other men. Marriage is between two, and if neither of you can respect that then its time to stop pretending and end it or fix it. You need to get your head out of the sand and find out exactly what she has been up to and don't let her know what you are doing or else she will just start covering up her tracks - this is one time you are allowed to snoop around because she has made decisions that threaten your covenant, when you have the evidence before you and have had a chance to process it then you decide if there is still something worth fixing or not. you are in a tough spot but failure to act right now is the nail in your marriage's coffin.


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## RDJ

Amuk,

Your wife is not fulfilled. She probably feels trapped in her life. Raising a child, homework, study time. She probably views you as holding her down, holding her back from having any kind of excitement, fun, emotional connection to her or uderstanding what she needs. She is getting that fulfillment where she can, however she can. She is connecting with people that don't make her feel tied down, you want to change that, you have stop being the guy that makes her feel trapped, controlled, and stuck.
Quit being her husband, her father, and the guy that does not give her the excitement she needs. Start being her friend, start showing her a better time than she can get by going out on her own.
Create and intersting, fun, exciting, romantic lifestyle with the two of you. Be the one that fulfills her in the ways she needs.


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## Shaggy

You need to pry more and you need to check up on these late nights. Frankly, I think she is likely cheating .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cozyaum

My hubby has the same complaint. I our case, I'm on twitter most of the time. With me, its not an affair or that I don't love my husband...its that I'm thoroughly enjoying what I'm doing & I don't want to stop or be interrupted. Its nothing personal, its just the way it is. 

It is very selfish & 'hermit' behavior on my part, but its certainly nothing against my hubby-at least I don't mean it to be.


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## Abegail23

She's acting like she's in her teen age. I guess she just miss those days when she's still single and can do everything she want.

_________

 new no deposit casino bonus codes


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## TRy

Amuk said:


> She also finds time to go out with friends and stay out late from one to three nights a week and if I make any hint that I would appreciate her prioritizing homework and helping me around the house (with cleaning, bills, yard work, etc.) she claims I'm trying to control her and prevent her from having friends.


 She is acting single and not even letting you be one of her dates. 



Amuk said:


> Some are with a guy that she does have romantic interest in, and in the past that relationship went farther than I was comfortable with, but there have been promises that they physically behave like they are just friends...however I know sometimes their texts go a bit beyond that but I don't know to what extent because I don't want to pry and I feel like I can be okay (for now) with them fantasizing a bit as long as it doesn't go beyond fantasy and become physical reality. What has happened with this guy and their continued friendship is a whole other can of worms. I can put it aside in my mind for now as long as it exists within the terms of the agreement the two of us have about that relationship.


 You need to tell her that she needs to no longer communicate with the man ever again. There cannot be 3 in a marriage. You have your head in the sand to be ignoring this for later. If it is not already too late, later will be too late. The fact that you let her get away with this relationship is why she does not respect you or your marriage. You need to tell her that if she ever communicates with him again you will file for divorce. If she picks divorce by her actions then your marriage was over anyways, the only thing is now you know.

When you say “however I know sometimes their texts go a bit beyond that but I don't know to what extent because I don't want to pry” you show just how weak you are. Why the hell do you not want to pry? You have every right to pry when your wife and another man have romantic interest in each other. When she tells you the cheaters favorite phrase “you are trying to control me”, tell her that yes you are. Tell her that marriage is all about boundaries and fidelity and thus control. Tell her that if she does not want to be controlled by the boundaries of marriage, that she should not be married to you.

You need to man up if you are to have any chance at saving your marriage. She cannot love someone that she does not respect.


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## Chaparral

Cheaters ALWAYS play the controling card. You're a doormat. Your the babysitter. You're marriage is in trouble. Actually, at this point you don't have a marriage.

Go here and read,read,read until you get it. Hopefully you're not to late but I diubt it:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

By the way if she's cheating she's lying about everything.


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## Chaparral

TRy said:


> She is acting single and not even letting you be one of her dates.
> 
> You need to tell her that she needs to no longer communicate with the man ever again. There cannot be 3 in a marriage. You have your head in the sand to be ignoring this for later. If it is not already too late, later will be too late. The fact that you let her get away with this relationship is why she does not respect you or your marriage. You need to tell her that if she ever communicates with him again you will file for divorce. If she picks divorce by her actions then your marriage was over anyways, the only thing is now you know.
> 
> When you say “however I know sometimes their texts go a bit beyond that but I don't know to what extent because I don't want to pry” you show just how weak you are. Why the hell do you not want to pry? You have every right to pry when your wife and another man have romantic interest in each other. When she tells you the cheaters favorite phrase “you are trying to control me”, tell her that yes you are. Tell her that marriage is all about boundaries and fidelity and thus control. Tell her that if she does not want to be controlled by the boundaries of marriage, that she should not be married to you.
> 
> You need to man up if you are to have any chance at saving your marriage. She cannot love someone that she does not respect.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

word


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## Amuk

RDJ said:


> Amuk,
> 
> Your wife is not fulfilled. She probably feels trapped in her life. Raising a child, homework, study time. She probably views you as holding her down, holding her back from having any kind of excitement, fun, emotional connection to her or uderstanding what she needs. She is getting that fulfillment where she can, however she can. She is connecting with people that don't make her feel tied down, you want to change that, you have stop being the guy that makes her feel trapped, controlled, and stuck.
> Quit being her husband, her father, and the guy that does not give her the excitement she needs. Start being her friend, start showing her a better time than she can get by going out on her own.
> Create and intersting, fun, exciting, romantic lifestyle with the two of you. Be the one that fulfills her in the ways she needs.


Thank you for your post. I think you are right on the money with most of the things you have said. I do what I can to not act as a controlling husband and/or father figure. However, I do try to do my best to let her know how I feel...and slowly yet progressivly positive changes are happening. I have been making effort to go out with her and her friends. Her initial reaction often is that I am violating the sanctity of her independence. And that several (particularly her gay male friend) of her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around. Those assumptions are not from personal experience with me, but have come about from my wife expressing some of her frustrations about me to her gay male friend and then his blowing what was said to him out of proportion and perpetuating his exaggerations whenever she and he (and even when I) am out with them and others. Even if my wife and I make mutual agreements he tries to convince her that I acted as a controlling spouse that forced her to concede to the agreement so she could go out and then he pushes her to push the boundaries of the agreement. He fulfills something in her (for her) that I just can't replace. I'm not offended by what he says to me for I know the negative things he says to me are just a projection of who he is. 

All that aside I have a hard time coming up with things that bring her excitement that somehow involve me. He own stress blocks her from wanting to go out and do things that she isn't fully confident will be so exciting to distract her from her stress. 

Well, I'd like to write more, but I must manage my own stress and get back to studying for my nursing midterm. Once again thanks for being here.


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## Amuk

Shaggy said:


> You need to pry more and you need to check up on these late nights. Frankly, I think she is likely cheating .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've confident she's not physically cheating on me. Though I do have my concerns that she may be what I consider to be emotionally cheating which she considers to be a non-isssue. 

As far as the late nights go, her friends are the geeky/nerdy type that rather hang out at a late-night diner over greasy food and coffee than go out to a club to bump and grind on the dance floor. Her only friend that wants to get her out into the club and get a bit drunk together is her gay male friend so they can be loud together and ***** about life and all the various ugly things people wear out at the club.


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## RDJ

Amuk said:


> Thank you for your post. I think you are right on the money with most of the things you have said. I do what I can to not act as a controlling husband and/or father figure. However, I do try to do my best to let her know how I feel...and slowly yet progressivly positive changes are happening. I have been making effort to go out with her and her friends. Her initial reaction often is that I am violating the sanctity of her independence. And that several (particularly her gay male friend) of her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around. Those assumptions are not from personal experience with me, but have come about from my wife expressing some of her frustrations about me to her gay male friend and then his blowing what was said to him out of proportion and perpetuating his exaggerations whenever she and he (and even when I) am out with them and others. Even if my wife and I make mutual agreements he tries to convince her that I acted as a controlling spouse that forced her to concede to the agreement so she could go out and then he pushes her to push the boundaries of the agreement. He fulfills something in her (for her) that I just can't replace. I'm not offended by what he says to me for I know the negative things he says to me are just a projection of who he is.
> 
> All that aside I have a hard time coming up with things that bring her excitement that somehow involve me. He own stress blocks her from wanting to go out and do things that she isn't fully confident will be so exciting to distract her from her stress.
> 
> Well, I'd like to write more, but I must manage my own stress and get back to studying for my nursing midterm. Once again thanks for being here.


In short, she tells people what she see's in you, she see's in you what you project!

You want her to see something different that this? 

*"her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around."*

Then YOU take charge of it! 

Controlling: Always give her choices and accept her decisions.

Humor: Read some books, listen to when she laugh's, to what people say to make her laugh. Study, practice, build some charisma. it's not that hard too do. If you did'nt have it, she would not have been drawn to you to start with.

Emotionally insecure: Again, if you project it, don't blame her for not responding to it in a possitive way. Pick one of her friends that she finds strong and attractive, or an actor if you must. See what traits he has, then learn, practice, experiment.

Fun and exciting: Come on! It's not that hard to take the time to find something exciting to do. Experiment, try anything, if she does not respond, dont quit and get your feelings hurt. Keep trying, keep finding more, did you think this was going to be easy? WORK AT IT!

In other words, do what the he!! you have to do. Your know what does not work, why in the he!! would you continue to do more of the same??


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## Amuk

Abegail23 said:


> She's acting like she's in her teen age. I guess she just miss those days when she's still single and can do everything she want.


In some ways she still is a teenager. She was severely emotionally and sexually abused as a child and early teenager. From that she went through meth and alcohol addiction. She made it through all of that to now be in an amazingly well adjusted state. Last meth use was over 7 years ago and after a long break from alcohol she now can handle occasional self-moderated drinking with no desire to ever reach a drunken stupor or blackout state. 

So yes sometimes she does miss the days of being "uncommitted"...I don't think she was ever really "single". However I do indeed love her for who she is, who she is growing up to be. I'm glad I continue to give her and our step-daughter a safe environment free of the ****ed up things my wife had to grow up through.


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## TRy

Amuk said:


> I have been making effort to go out with her and her friends. Her initial reaction often is that I am violating the sanctity of her independence.


You should remind her that she is married and not independent anymore and remind her about of the sanctity of marriage.


Amuk said:


> And that several (particularly her gay male friend) of her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around.


This guy and these friends are not friends to your marriage and are in fact toxic to it. The fact that your wife has such people as her friends is disloyal to you. The fact that they get much of this from your wife only confirms the disloyalty.

You have your head in the sand. The current toxic situation if allowed to persist will not end well for you. Stop making excuses for her and looking the other way. It will not get easier to deal with later.


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## Amuk

RDJ said:


> In short, she tells people what she see's in you, she see's in you what you project!
> 
> You want her to see something different that this?
> 
> *"her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around."*


I'm not going to deny what you said above, however some friendly relationships between two people are almost entirely based on negativity. Her gay friend doesn't want to hear about the good stuff going on between my wife and I, he wants the dirty gossip and my wife takes advantage of him as an outlet for her emotions in time of stress, anger, and discontentment. The times she says something nice about me to him, he finds some possible negative side about it. She feels at peace talking to him because she feels he is completely nonjudgmental of her and she can speak feel safe in openly talking to him about sexual things without them being thought as any kind of invitation. 

He feels very insecure around me because he wants her constant attention..."oh, she's my only true friend...the only one I can talk to"...and shows his insecurity by trying to offend or make me feel ashamed or demeaned...which I don't let him do to me, which frustrates him more. 

Her friends that truly get to know me see me for the wonderful, caring person that I am. However those friends aren't the ones that are nearly as available and needy as her "best friend" so she don't see them anywhere as often as this one. Truth be told I have a feeling she's going to eventually get tired of him.


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## TRy

RDJ said:


> Then YOU take charge of it!
> 
> Controlling: Always give her choices and accept her decisions.


He already does that now. That is the problem. Her choice thus far is to walk all over him. 

As for the other things that you suggest he change, that would be buying into the BS. That would be him making the effort to try to be someone that he is not without his wife making any effort at all. It is a game that he cannot win. You can never be as good at being someone else as they are.

The real issue here is that she has lost respect for him and he needs to get that back. The change that he can make is to be the person that he wants to be. To be a strong man that she can respect. Right now he is becoming just a meal ticket and babysitter for her and her daughter (his step daughter). She feels trapped by having a child while she was not ready, so she has dumped the blame on him even though the child is not even his.


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## Lydia

Amuk,

Is her homework something you can help her with? Perhaps sitting with her and working on your homework at the same time she is working on hers could help her feel like she has a partner? Does she schedule time to study? Perhaps recommending she schedule time to study when she will NOT be on the phone would help... But honestly, how is she going to function in the real world if she can't put her phone down for a couple hours a day to do her homework??

It sounds like she is having an emotional affair on you with the gay friend.... Unfortunately the only way you will get her past it is if she really cares enough to let the relationship go between herself and him. My husband has a friend, who is a woman, and the relationship you describe between your wife and the gay guy, and my husband and his female friend sounds EXACTLY the same (except my husband's female friend is not gay)...

My H and I have agreed that he will NOT talk about our marriage or me to his female friend, however, I know several times he has broken this agreement. His female friend will not even come around our home, call if there is a chance of me answering, etc. When given the opportunity to meet me, she has not followed through. At first, I told my H that I would like to be friends with her as well - but she will not agree to it because I guess it would give her less sh** to talk about.

The only way I got my H to cut down the crap is to give him an ultimatum, which he refused to choose me or her... So I left for a month, fixed myself up. I worked on my own issues - became a happier and more independent person. Eventually I moved back, our marriage has been a bit better (still rocky on occasion) - and the girl is still there but I have noticed since moving back that she does not text him often or call often. She has only called once in the last month for an hour, and texts him maybe once a week, of which he barely, if even, responds.

You may not want to feel controlling, or like a father figure, and that's admirable but she is totally taking advantage of the fact you have set very little to no boundaries of which for her to follow. Write up a list of things you want in a relationship - things you need to be happy. Write up the current issues in the relationship, and what realistic things she can do to make it better. Give her the list - tell her to write one similar. Tell her that if things don't change, and you continue to feel unhappy, it's going to build up to something much worse. If she truly cares about your relationship, she will shift her focus on your relationship and do what needs to be done to improve.

Deep down inside, she is probably like my H and knows what she is doing is wrong. She probably knows it hurts you. But, she doesn't feel there is a reason to stop as you haven't really said much or set boundaries for her to follow (aka, no real consequences to her actions). Every married couple has a set of rules or boundaries - it's not control, it's respect. Tell her she needs to start respecting you, or you will find someone else who will.


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## the guy

Whats interesting is your W has found more alpha treats in a gay man then in you. (if he's even gay?)

Her friend is most likely bi and lines have been crossed. At the very least this emotional affair is being managed by her, under her terms.

If you are tired of being labled controling, simply give her the choice to be emotionaly connected to you with out her OM, or choose OM so you can move on and find someone that wants an emotioanaly connected relationship with you. A best friend if you will..... you diserve that!

There is nothing controling about offering your women a choice between being with you and providing you with happiness and letting you go by being honest enough to tell you the amount of commitment she has to offer!!!!!!!!!!

As hard as it is, it is simple enough for you to choose her and her being with the OM or move on with out out her. Just like it is her choice to work on a marriage or not.

Stop letting her "cake eat" and make the choice for her by moving on, it will then be her choice to follow you. Not walking in front of you and not walking behind you, but next to you.

Showing the confidence to know what you want and what you diserve may be a wake up call in that you will not be her doormat for much longer and showing her a confidence that she has the protential of losing you.

In short man up and give her the choice to be with you or not. Ther is nothing controling about this, it is all her choice to do what she wants, just like it your choice to tolorate her behavior or not.

Just my $0.02


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## Amuk

the guy said:


> Whats interesting is your W has found more alpha treats in a gay man then in you. (if he's even gay?)
> 
> Her friend is most likely bi and lines have been crossed. At the very least this emotional affair is being managed by her, under her terms.


He's as homosexual as homosexual gets. Even if he had a tinge of bi-ness, he is a one (out of 10) on my wife's physical attractiveness scale. I know what kinds of guys she finds sexually attractive and he isn't near any of those. So if there is any kind of affair going on between them there is 0% chance of it being a physical one. And then I have my doubts about an emotional affair that never will have a chance to be a physical one about being an affair at all.


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## Entropy3000

Amuk said:


> Thank you for your post. I think you are right on the money with most of the things you have said. I do what I can to not act as a controlling husband and/or father figure. However, I do try to do my best to let her know how I feel...and slowly yet progressivly positive changes are happening. I have been making effort to go out with her and her friends. Her initial reaction often is that I am violating *the sanctity of her independence.* And that several (particularly her gay male friend) of her friends think I'm controlling, have no sense of humor, am emotionally insecure, and am just no fun to be around. Those assumptions are not from personal experience with me, but have come about from my wife expressing some of her frustrations about me to her gay male friend and then his blowing what was said to him out of proportion and perpetuating his exaggerations whenever she and he (and even when I) am out with them and others. Even if my wife and I make mutual agreements he tries to convince her that I acted as a controlling spouse that forced her to concede to the agreement so she could go out and then he pushes her to push the boundaries of the agreement. He fulfills something in her (for her) that I just can't replace. I'm not offended by what he says to me for I know the negative things he says to me are just a projection of who he is.
> 
> All that aside I have a hard time coming up with things that bring her excitement that somehow involve me. He own stress blocks her from wanting to go out and do things that she isn't fully confident will be so exciting to distract her from her stress.
> 
> Well, I'd like to write more, but I must manage my own stress and get back to studying for my nursing midterm. Once again thanks for being here.


Stop not trying to be controlling. That is just sad and weak. You are supposed to be a husband and a man. Caring about someone calling you controlling is way pathetic. You should be caring that your wife is dating other men one to three times a week. She has a five year old child and goes to college. 

I have heard about the sanctity of marriage niot the sanctity of independence. Ummm. You guys are married.

She has a known romantic interest in another man but tey said they would not act on this. So you let her date this guy. I ganrantee that laugh about you everytime they go put and have their secret time.

I am totally against accepting wives dating other men. Especially on a school night?

So does anyone actually have a job? You are ok living in an open marriage? Who is the father of the five year old?


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## Lon

I suspect her gay friend is not as much of a friend as he has convinced her, sounds like he gets pleasure/excitement in whatever controversy he is able to enable, he is probably also jealous of her vjj. If he were a friend he wouldn't be poisoning your W in her own marriage, he certainly doesn't sound like the kind of friend who would lay his life down for her, not the kind of friend you want to be with her.


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## Entropy3000

Amuk said:


> He's as homosexual as homosexual gets. Even if he had a tinge of bi-ness, he is a one (out of 10) on my wife's physical attractiveness scale. I know what kinds of guys she finds sexually attractive and he isn't near any of those. So if there is any kind of affair going on between them there is 0% chance of it being a physical one. And then I have my doubts about an emotional affair that never will have a chance to be a physical one about being an affair at all.


You just are not knowledgeable about emotional affairs.

So of all her freinds where do you fall on her scale of attractiveness?

Physical aside I am going to say that she likes the excitement about being around more Alpha men than you. 

Instigation - She has male friends and dates them.

Isolation - She goes out without you with other guys. You do not excite her but these other guys do. You invade her sanctity of independence.

Escalation - Everytime she goes out things escalate. Sorry but she has some number of EAs gong on and is very likely banging at least one of these guys with pretty much your permission. You are zero threat to them.

If you still have sex with her once in a while you need to get checked for STDs. 

You need to get a history of her texting and her facebook activity.

We don't pry in marriage, we are transparent. Right now you may be married but she is not.
She is looking to trade up or at least cake eat for now.


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## TRy

Entropy3000 said:


> You just are knowledgeable about emotional affairs.
> 
> So of all her freinds where do you fall on her scale of attractiveness?
> 
> Physical aside I am going to say that she likes the excitement about being around more Alpha men than you.
> 
> Instigation - She has male friends and dates them.
> 
> Isolation - She goes out without you with other guys. You do not excite her but these other guys do. You invade her sanctity of independence.
> 
> Escalation - Everytime she goes out things escalate. Sorry but she has some number of EAs gong on and is very likely banging at least one of these guys with pretty much your permission. You are zero threat to them.
> 
> If you still have sex with her once in a while you need to get checked for STDs.
> 
> You need to get a history of her texting and her facebook activity.
> 
> We don't pry in marriage, we are transparent. Right now you may be married but she is not.
> She is looking to trade up or at least cake eat for now.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
One of the points above that the OP needs to do right away is read up on what an emotional affair ("AE") is. Although there may be doubt about a physical affair ("PA"), there is no doubt that there is an EA going on. In an AE your wife and the other person are on the inside and you are the one on the outside. You are defending yourself against a team, where your wife is part of the other team and you are the one standing alone.


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## RDJ

TRy said:


> He already does that now. That is the problem. Her choice thus far is to walk all over him.


With all due respect, I disagree.

The kind of choices I am refering to are that OP should be giving her a choice.

"You are free to continue on the path you have been on. But know that doing so is tearing down the foundation of our marriage. It is building resentment in us both, that resentment will eventually destroy our marriage. You have a choice to invest yourself in this marriage or to continue down the same path. Should you chose to stay on that path, know that I will no longer be here for you to walk on."

OP is trying to achieve change in her, I'm guessing that there are arguements, bitterness, negativity, and him pusing for change. Yet he is still there for her to rely on every night. Still taking care of everything, still there to be whipped. Only when he can let go and show her that she has a price to pay for her choices, does he have a chance of her waking up.



> As for the other things that you suggest he change, that would be buying into the BS. That would be him making the effort to try to be someone that he is not without his wife making any effort at all. It is a game that he cannot win. You can never be as good at being someone else as they are.


I disagree here also. OP working on building his own strength, charicter, and carisma is something he should do for himself, in turn he may change her view of him. If not, he will make himself more attractive to anyone. Should he not make some changes here just for himself, this relationship fails, he will easily find himself right back into the same issues with his next relationship.



> The real issue here is that she has lost respect for him and he needs to get that back. The change that he can make is to be the person that he wants to be. To be a strong man that she can respect. Right now he is becoming just a meal ticket and babysitter for her and her daughter (his step daughter). She feels trapped by having a child while she was not ready, so she has dumped the blame on him even though the child is not even his.


This I do agree with. But, he should do this for himself. Not for her. She will either be inspired, or not. Thats not a concern, she has her choices.


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## TRy

RDJ said:


> With all due respect, I disagree.
> 
> The kind of choices I am refering to are that OP should be giving her a choice.
> 
> "You are free to continue on the path you have been on. But know that doing so is tearing down the foundation of our marriage. It is building resentment in us both, that resentment will eventually destroy our marriage. You have a choice to invest yourself in this marriage or to continue down the same path. Should you chose to stay on that path, know that I will no longer be here for you to walk on."


If that was the choice that you meant then we are in agreement. That was not made clear in your earlier post.



RDJ said:


> I disagree here also. OP working on building his own strength, charicter, and carisma is something he should do for himself, in turn he may change her view of him. If not, he will make himself more attractive to anyone. Should he not make some changes here just for himself, this relationship fails, he will easily find himself right back into the same issues with his next relationship.





RDJ said:


> But, he should do this for himself. Not for her. She will either be inspired, or not. Thats not a concern, she has her choices.


Now you are saying “he should do it for himself. Not for her.” but in the post that I was commenting on you were implying that he should do it for her where you let her and her friends define success. You said such things as “Humor: Read some books, listen to when she laugh's, to what people say to make her laugh” and “Emotionally insecure: Again, if you project it, don't blame her for not responding to it in a possitive way”. You also said “Fun and exciting: Come on! It's not that hard to take the time to find something exciting to do. Experiment, try anything, if she does not respond, dont quit and get your feelings hurt.”

I agree that he should work toward building himself for himself but that is not the clear message in the post that I responded to. That being said, the better stated new post is a good approach that I agree with.


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## RDJ

TRy,

My apologies, I do have a hard time being clear at times.

He does both, he does them for himself first and foremost. He does this too, with, in front of, and for the end result of achieving a change of view and attraction from her. Is that not the idea? To ultimately draw her towards him?

Has to get her attention before he can inspire change!


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## warlock07

I am surprised that you did not take offense with the gay friend. Though not direct, he will have had a lot of effect on your wife when your marriage eventually goes down


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## MNG

RDJ speaks the truth!


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## Trying2figureitout

I am of the firm opinion our whole civilization is heading for 
FUTURE SHOCK. I'm a tech guy .

These little devices most carry have the average human leading multiple lives...they are like crack. 

You've got YOu
Then you have the twitter you
Th FB you 
Th Tam you
The text you
The second life you

The list goes on and on....

This takes away your attention from your own life and makes you not have a life unless for the need to know what others are doing in their "life".

It really is horrible.

People go through withdrawals if they loose their smartphone.


Face it....

Who should care what you do.... the answer you and your family and perhaps a close friend.

Not the "friends" on Facebook or twitter.

I'll bet if they did a study... most marriages would improve WITHOUT social media.

Look in the mirror people that device is ruling your life and harming your families.


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