# Male Friends and texting ?



## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Short Version.

My wife and I have been married a little over 7 years. We have had an up and down relationship. A lot of it from my upbringing.. and not really ever having an “adult relationship. “ We both made common mistakes in communication and taking each other for grated..

I had an affair last year that lasted roughly a month. Got in deep and really made some bad choices. 

She fought hard for us then once I got my act together through counseling and lots of reading she has struggled with our marriage.

When she found out about my affair she started having conversations with a mutual friend…. who was also having some strife in his relationship. 

They began texting.... and they texted a lot. She started acting weird about her phone which made me curious...... so I looked at our bill to much shock. I asked about it and she assured me they were just friends… 

A couple months ago we were on the brink of separation. She told me she has feelings for said guy…. (Duh) We talked it out and I asked her to stop all contact with this person…she did everything except the texting. 

She told me her feelings for him where a mistake and it was a fantasy like crush due to everything that we were going through. She reassured me they were just friends and that is all would ever be.




So to the texting again. 

April they texted on avg 70 times a day…the total was a little over 2100 times for the month. I haven’t been able to see what May was like cause the bill is locked up still for a few days due to the end of the cycle.

I feel like I have been played a little due to the fact that she said she would try hard to stop texting him. I feel bad for even looking at the bill because that is not how I want to be. The last time I looked was last November and she was furious. 

She is not hiding the fact that she texts him and she knows I have the password to get the bill because I do the finances.

I am frustrated because I really do love this woman. It feels like to me that she is having an ongoing affair and I don’t know what to do….

I plan on asking her about it and trying to communicate with her. We had an argument last week that we was a little out of character. I think the underlying tone is that this is really affecting me..... and I need to communicate that to her. Things that havent bothered me are getting to me. I think that I have tried hard to let this " friendship " go on without letting it upset me is starting to weigh heavily on my mind.

I have a feeling she will be defensive and say that I am trying to control her and make rules…Any advice would be appreciated


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You've got the moral low ground here, so you need to be careful. I'd try to word things that compare her current behaviour with your past behaviour. It might wake her up to what is going on. 

Maybe say, "I consider this an affair. I'm going to do my best to be strong for both of us. You did that for me when I cheated and I'm so grateful you did. But if won't put up with it forever. I have an expiry date." Tough love framed around doing for her what she did for you.

Just a few thoughts.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Thanks for the reply's. I am at a crossroads for sure. I want to talk with her about it and it will be tough I know... but I really don't want to let this continue. 

I did before and it really didn't turn out that great. She told me she can handle it and not to worry, and to trust her...

Easier said than done when she texts him more than she texts me...

We were suppose to be starting fresh ....I have gone out of my way to make sure she knows that what happened in the past.... is just that.... the past...I learned hard lessons and am trying to stay true too what we committed between us. I just want her to do the same.

Is that too much to ask of her ? To ask her to stop all contact ?


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Well I certainly wouldn't like it at all if my husband was texting another woman that much. 

Do you know the content of their texts, what they are saying to each other? Is if just friendly chat, or sexual? You probably need to find that out so you know exactly what their relationship is. There is software around that can help you do this, some sort of Sim card reader.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My wife seperated the phone bill account into two. Namely, to keep me from seeing her excessive texting to the OM, who was also Just a Friend, but they met secretly, and things escalated. There is no way to "make" your wife do anything. i.e. stop texting him. Most go further underground (hiding it better) rather than this revelation of a new life with hubby free of affairs. 
I would love to say, that there is hope for reconciliation, but for my own pending divorce due to the exact same circumstances you are experiencing, I have only been able to find self-preservation mentally, emotionally, and physically to be the only thing I really can affect ultimately. There has to be a line drawn in the sand, and that has to be a firm line. Once crossed, the decision is made for you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I just want to be sure you understand that this is just as much an affair as if they were physical. 2100 texts in one month? Does she do anything else? The amount of time it takes her to write 1/4 of those texts, I'll make a guess, is more time than she spends with you one-on-one in a month. Am I right?


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Dude, friends don't text each other 2100 times a month! My wife texted her little boyfriend a few thousand times a month. It was a 6 month physical affair. Open your eyes, listen to your gut. This is an affair.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Thanks for replys everyone....What a mess. I know what I need to do .....Its going to be hard. I wanted to bring it up last night, but figured it could wait one more night. 

I guess when she said she didn't want to go to counseling with me...... or never read any of the books that she bought that maybe she really wasn't ready to move on together. ( Although she said last night she needs to start reading them and broke one out )

This sucks....


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I agree with what's been posted here. We've all heard and read about the critical role of relationship boundaries. 

We know that 80% of married people have or have had sexual affairs. We know that emotional affairs, from quick flirts to formal work relationships to informal online relationships are the "breading ground" for more serious transgressions. People just don't understand the risks until it's too late. 

What I'd recommend to you, forever learning, is that realistic expectations and some very basic communication tools can be the moral high ground for both of you, so to speak. 

To avoid sounding critical to your partner, which can open old wounds and dysfunctional communication patterns, I'd want to put talking about the texting within the context of learning about and practicing your marital communication, but on the topic of boundary setting. 

A big part of why evidence-based marital counseling is so effective is because you get a third party, gently providing proven information and tools. So you're not the target of any toxic emotional baggage. You could try reading one of the proven relationship books on communication that guides your learning and interaction (by say, Jon Gottman or Sue Johnson). 

You did mention lots of reading in your post. I'm suggesting reading together. 

These books clearly define the importance of setting up protective boundaries (not flirting or having emotional affairs learning from past affairs, and what to do in high risk situations) and how to talk about them in the most constructive solution-focused ways. 

My point here is not so much about a particular book, but that it may be much easier to discuss and resolve this issue, with in the context of that kind of supportive structure. Then it's the book (like the therapist in counseling) that is providing information and direction on a potentially hot-button issue.

This way it's not you, it's the book starting the conversation between you. That frees you up to talk about your feelings and emotional needs rather than having to try to get to that place where it's possible. 

I've seen many, many couples benefit from this approach. 
Sorry for intruding into the thread here. I am new here. I just wanted to share an insight that I know may help you and your partner.

Thanks for reading,
- Duddy.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

So I was wondering if I should tell her I have something I would like to talk about with her today after work or just wait until then and bring it up....

If I tell her she will probably want to know what it is right away and if I wait until later she may not want to talk 

Any thoughts ?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'd state it like this: It is time for us to talk about your texting with Mr x. If she avoids it's, I would restate it as: It's time we deal with the emotional affair you are having. If she resists, then you have two choices: 1. Roll over and take it - nothing will get better, but hopefully it will run it's course. Or 2. Force the issue - "I'm thinking of separating from you."

This doesn't stop until you force the issue.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Just wait till she gets home to talk about it. That way she won't have time to sort through what she can say and what she can hide. Catch them off guard and usually you'll get some half truths coming out of their mouths.

Never give a cheater time to sort things out, that just means you're giving me time to hide enough evidence and make up lies to cover my behind. Remember even when caught red handed with our hand in the cookie jar, we can usually twist the story enough (since the cheated on spouse is an emotional wreck) to just cloud the situation enough to make you doubt yourself.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

I know its time to bring it up.....I am prepared to leave if she chooses to not stop the contact. 

Its never going to be a good time to do this. It has been eating me up...

Thanks to everyone with the help. I appreciate it. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so its been a huge help.

Should I print a copy of the bill that has yesterdays and todays texts and show them to her if I need to ? Its alot


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You can do that, but I think it's better to just cut through the BS. If she blame shifts or tries to minimize, just cut her off and say "I know how much you text with him, don't insult both of us by making print out the proof."

The tone of the talk is:

This is a problem for me.
I want to solve it.
If you are unwilling to solve it, I'm willing to leave.
What happens next?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Forever learning, I'd be stunned if this was not physical. If it were me I'd do one of two things.

Confront her now with what I have.

Install monitoring software on her phone and PC to gain more information.

I would definitley not keep putting it off. You are only asking for my trouble in the long run. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Good luck


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Well we kinda talked about it and didn't really get anywhere.
She insists that it is just friendship and that I am trying to be controlling.....

I said if he really was your friend he would understand nor would he want to do anything that would jepordize our marriage.

I also said that I was just trying to let her know that this was pushing me away and I want to get it in the open so we could talk about it..

She said our marriage is not the same since my affair...and never will be....I told her I agree and we can make it better...I don't want it to be the same...we both were unhappy and didn't communicate well.... but it doesn't give her the right to just do what she wants...

I said I felt like what she is doing is an emotional affair ...
she asked me what that was....I just so happened to print out a couple things from the internet about it....She didn't want to read them right then but is open to reading them after she wasn't mad.

Anyway....

She told me she wasn't texting him yesterday and I mentioned that I knew that she did and to not lie about it......

so naturally she asked if I was checking up on her and watching her activity from our bill. Of course she thinks I have been doing that for months ( which I haven't been ) and that she did that on purpose and I fell for it hook line and sinker.

We had a huge argument about me looking at the bill a while back and I told her that I wouldn't look at it other than to just pay the bill...I told her I had felt like she had been lying to me about it and I wanted to have the facts when we talked....

At one point she was like I could just hide it from you. I told her that would be the end of us...We don't need to be 14 and hide things from each other. 

So its a mess. We both know how each other feels about it and thats that for now....She doesn't belive she is in the wrong and I do...

I guess that maybe if she had come to me at some time and said here read these texts and see that there is nothing but if you want me to stop then I will...I would feel differently..
But no she said that she is trustworthy and that I should just leave it alone...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

forever learning said:


> She insists that it is just friendship and that I am trying to be controlling..


Ask her how much time she devotes per month, one-on-one, to her "friendship" vs, how much she devotes to her marriage. Then figure out from that answer who she loves more.



forever learning said:


> so naturally she asked if I was checking up on her and watching her activity from our bill.
> .


2100 texts to a boyfriend in a single month and she loses privacy rights on the phone bill.

OK. So now you know where you are. You have uncovered a SERIOUS affair and she says it's not important. You naturally think it is. An impasse. What do you do? Scare the crap out of her. Leave her. Threaten separation. Do what you have to do. You should probably start with going over and having a man-to-man with her boyfriend. Let him know it's not cool to carry on an inappropriate relationship with someone else's wife. You've got to start getting tough. I HATE this phrase lately, but you've got to man-up


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

odd question and it may have been covered in another post above. Ask her to look at the phone. flip thru the history to see what they have been talking about. See if she keeps others texts and just deletes his. Say "Why do you delete XYZ person texts but keeps the ones from So and so. If there is nothing to hide, 90% of the population doesn;t delete their texts so have her let you read them. I think you told me the phone you have in that email and i know that it keeps unlimited texts in its memory so there should be no reason they are not all on there. there is no deleted to save space on that phone. Mine has 3 years of texts on it and the only reason there would not be texts is if i was deleting them. Sorry if it was covered before


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Will she allow you to read the texts?

This kind of sideways conversation is pretty normal - deflection, blame shifting, minimizing. She doesn't want to be wrong, nor jeopardize a relationship that makes her feel good. Affairs are like addictions. You are asking her to give up her drug, which she doesn't feel is a problem. 

The reality is that all you can do is put in place boundaries. You can force her to do anything. The more you participate in negotiation and allow yourself to be managed, the longer it goes on.

Are you willing to leave? If not, what other things are you willing to do? If so, does she know that?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Forever Learning, I am truly sorry you are going through this. When you were having your affair, your wife was in survival mode. She had to ignore her feelings in order to make the relationship survive. Since the marriage is now more stable (in her eyes), she may now feel like she can address her multitude of feelings from the affair. She feels that she has found someone to whom she can appropriately share these feelings. What needs to happen is that she needs to share these feelings with you, and you need to listen and validate her feelings without getting defensive. It is now time to put your feelings aside (temporarily) in an effort to meet her needs. I would try asking her to share her feelings with you. It might even be helpful to communicate through email--or ask her to write her true and honest feelings in a journal and read those things after she has written them. Best of luck. I wish you well.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Stop being a doormat. Really. Tell her to stop texting this turd period. Tell her that everything moving forward will be transparent inlcluding passwords. 

Look, if there aren't having sex I don't know who is. Yes, this might end things. But if you are going to loose your R it can go one of two ways, you being a chump or going down in flames while being a man with some self respect! 

Or maybe, if you call her out on her crap you might turn the ship around. Good luck.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Well we talked it out and she didn't budge and insists that she has just a hand full of friends and that she is not willing to give up any of that for me......I asked if she understands what I was saying about how I feel it is inappropriate and she said she did...( the one with her male friend )

She did a god job of making me feel like she was right. Everything I ever did to hurt her she brought up. 

She made some valid points. Last year during my affair I was gong to leave. Of course she was devastated. So she said she would never let her self get to that point where she depended on me like that ever again. 

One of her boundaries ....keep her friends close and be a good friend. 

My boundary.... not texting another man on avg 60-80 times a day...

Well that just equals me leaving. I don't want to but I don't want to continue sharing my wife with this man.
Thats a shortened version of everything. I 'll have time to write more details later.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

sorry man, perhaps if she actually believes you are serious she will come around. However it sounds like she basicslly told you she is choosing him over you. 

all the best


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

forever learning said:


> I am prepared to leave if she chooses to not stop the contact.
> 
> Well we talked it out and she didn't budge and insists that she has just a hand full of friends and that *she is not willing to give up any of that for me*


So her friends are more important than you. Now you know where you stand on the pecking order of things.

Now what are you going to do about it?


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Yea it has been a tough 12 hrs.....She has made her choice and she feels like she is correct.... 

Its hard too be brushed away and not be the top priority.

I realize that I have not been the greatest husband but also I have worked extremely hard to better myself the past 12-14 months. My best bud mentioned to me the the other day that he noticed all the positive changes in me....

I don't think it is to much to ask to have her not continue to text this person...Is it ? 

Hard to walk away but even harder to share her with another man...

Thank you to all for all the replies...I'm kinda lost, and am having a tough time all of this. The replies help me feel like I am not crazy.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You're not crazy mate. YOU are the centrepiece of YOUR life. YOU are making changes that better YOU and in the future, some woman is going to benefit from all of this. As will you


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't think it is to much to ask to have her not continue to text this person...Is it ? 

He!! freaking no it is not.

Sorry FL, not trying to upset you. I think your best bet is a hard line and committment to that. I'm not saying to be cruel, just tough and to be seen as a strong man. Even if it does not work out for the two of you, you'll still be in a better place for the effort on your part.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

No problem WD...It didn't upset me at all. I do need to draw that line and follow it...I was a little shocked on how fast it all happened...It just came up and next thing I know we are talking/ disagreeing on it and walla... Im out....I still can't believe that she is gonna just let me walk....I told her that I thinks it sucks that she chose another man over me and she said she hadn't but believe what I want....



Day 1 almost complete...


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

FL,
Don't let her actions deter you from continuing to be a better man. Work on improving different aspects of yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually, etc.). It is possible that the relationship will still work out afer the initial lust has worn off, but you can wait for the possibility of the relationship to work out to continue improving yourself. Keep it up. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. While I empathize with your relationship, I am more excited for you as the better man begins to emerge with these changes you are making.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Hello all....Well it has seemed to have finally sank in (what I had already know and as said previously by others) I am no longer the one for my wife...

I have worked hard and given it everything I had....I let her in and gave her back my heart. I can honestly look in the mirror and know I gave it everything.....
She has deflected and ignored any effort to fix this problem...Today she sent sent me a text and asked if we were talking...I said I would like to be so we could resolve this one way or another.
She said maybe we just need a break :scratchhead:... 
So I figured what the heck.... I'll call the OM and get the answers from him....well of course he didn't answer...I left a message and asked him to call back.....he hasn't yet but I already have my answers so......

I thought to myself why am I the one trying so hard ? She has made her choice obviously so its time for me to direct my actions elsewhere and move on....


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