# No choice in the matter



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

My STBXW and I attended MC on Wednesday. My wife left me after 23 years because "she couldn't make me happy". We met after she left and she reluctantly agreed to MC. 
The Counselor opened the session by asking each of us what we hoped to accomplish from the session. W said she wanted us to "establish boundaries" when "messaging the kids" so that they would know that we weren't fighting but just needed to be apart. The MC advised her that her concern for the children was admirable but at this point our relationship should be first. I said the I wanted to do what it took to save our marriage. 
After an hour and half of probing our history, states of mind and the issues we were confronting, the MC said she felt that MC would help us, but that she could only offer it if we both agreed to move forward. I said I had said from the beginning that I would do what was needed to save the marriage. W said she saw no reason to continue to discuss these matters. The MC said well if you can't both agree, I can be of no service to you as a couple.
Afterwards, we met to discuss a dissolution. She said it was important for us to present a unified front that we were both in agreement so that the kids would see that everything is OK (our kids are 30 and 22, neither live at home, so they aren't babies). She is concerned because the kids blame her and she doesn't want that. I told her that I only agreed with the dissolution because I don't have any other choice, not because I wanted it. I also told her there and in MC that I was going to be honest with anyone that I spoke with. 
The next day I went to my daughter's and on the way spoke to our son. Apparently their mother told them that the MC said there was nothing that could be done and that we were dissolving the marriage. I told then that it is true, after the MC was told that W was not willing to go forward, the MC said she couldn't help us. But that prior to that offered to help us work out the issues.
Both of the kids had assumed their mom had told them the whole truth and both were hurt and angered to find out she had only told them a half truth.
I am angry that she didn't tell the whole truth and misled them. I am angry that she has turned our lives upside down. Our daughter only recently moved out and she considered her parents to be her foundation and rock. My wife has destroyed that for her. I am just angry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ynot said:


> My STBXW and I attended MC on Wednesday. My wife left me after 23 years because "she couldn't make me happy". We met after she left and she reluctantly agreed to MC.
> The Counselor opened the session by asking each of us what we hoped to accomplish from the session. W said she wanted us to "establish boundaries" when "messaging the kids" so that they would know that we weren't fighting but just needed to be apart. The MC advised her that her concern for the children was admirable but at this point our relationship should be first. I said the I wanted to do what it took to save our marriage.
> After an hour and half of probing our history, states of mind and the issues we were confronting, the MC said she felt that MC would help us, but that she could only offer it if we both agreed to move forward. I said I had said from the beginning that I would do what was needed to save the marriage. W said she saw no reason to continue to discuss these matters. The MC said well if you can't both agree, I can be of no service to you as a couple.
> Afterwards, we met to discuss a dissolution. She said it was important for us to present a unified front that we were both in agreement so that the kids would see that everything is OK (our kids are 30 and 22, neither live at home, so they aren't babies). She is concerned because the kids blame her and she doesn't want that. I told her that I only agreed with the dissolution because I don't have any other choice, not because I wanted it. I also told her there and in MC that I was going to be honest with anyone that I spoke with.


Your children are adults. Her request to present a unified front is nonsense. While you should not drag your children into your marital discord there is nothing wrong with informing them that you mother has told you that she is divorcing you. You don’t want it but she has the legal right to get a divorce if that what she wants.


Ynot said:


> The next day I went to my daughter's and on the way spoke to our son. Apparently their mother told them that the MC said there was nothing that could be done and that we were dissolving the marriage. I told then that it is true, after the MC was told that W was not willing to go forward, the MC said she couldn't help us. But that prior to that offered to help us work out the issues.
> Both of the kids had assumed their mom had told them the whole truth and both were hurt and angered to find out she had only told them a half truth.


Good, always tell your children the truth.


Ynot said:


> I am angry that she didn't tell the whole truth and misled them. I am angry that she has turned our lives upside down. Our daughter only recently moved out and she considered her parents to be her foundation and rock. My wife has destroyed that for her. I am just angry.


Your daughter still has both of you as her rock. You will just not both be together. Your wife is not divorcing your children. That is what you tell your children.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Both of the kids had assumed their mom had told them the whole truth and both were hurt and angered to find out she had only told them a half truth.
> I am angry that she didn't tell the whole truth and misled them. I am angry that she has turned our lives upside down. Our daughter only recently moved out and she considered her parents to be her foundation and rock. My wife has destroyed that for her. I am just angry.


Ynot, I applaud your fighting for the marriage. You should stick to your guns and there is no reason whatsoever you should conspire with your wife to get her off the hook with the kids.

It's sad that that is the only thing see seems to care about at the moment but you have to start somewhere.

That said, I would caution you to bite down on your anger lest it cloud your judgement. Instead, just be ruthless until she comes back to MC.

In the worst case, the kids will know who to trust.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your children are adults. Her request to present a unified front is nonsense. While you should not drag your children into your marital discord there is nothing wrong with informing them that you mother has told you that she is divorcing you. You don’t want it but she has the legal right to get a divorce if that what she wants.
> 
> Good, always tell your children the truth.
> 
> Your daughter still has both of you as her rock. You will just not both be together. Your wife is not divorcing your children. That is what you tell your children.


Part of my anger arises from the same behavior that I am now realizing was part of the problem in the first place. She wants me to diminish the fall out from her actions. The kids are mad at her. I agree that I may not want it but have no choice. I went the psychotic rout early in my life, trying to beg, plead, pressure and/or shame another into agreement. I realize that this doesn't work and have no interest in wasting the time trying. I accept that she made this choice and I truly hope that she can happy. It hurts like hell that it won't be with me, but I have no choice.

I will always tell my children the truth.

I have also told my kids that regardless of what happens (before I knew it was final) the their mother will always be their mother and that won't change.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> Ynot, I applaud your fighting for the marriage. You should stick to your guns and there is no reason whatsoever you should conspire with your wife to get her off the hook with the kids.
> 
> It's sad that that is the only thing see seems to care about at the moment but you have to start somewhere.
> 
> ...


Once she decided to leave, I knew I could not live in our house anymore. I contacted my neighbor about buying it, and less than an hour ago they agreed - cash sale, they pay closing costs and I get 60 days to get everything out. I sent an email to my biggest client inquiring about employment and less than 72 hours later had a job offer on the table for more a higher position at more than I asked for. The new job is near my daughter's place so I won't be more than half an hour away. I can start as soon as the Monday after next. 
I called the counselor and I am going to another session next week. I know I need some help to work thru all of the swirling emotions I am feeling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there man.
Take care of your self and go out and have some fun
I know , I know, but, fake until you make it brother....you gotta start some were.

May I suggest getting back into a hobby that you have been neglecting.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: No choice in the matter*



Ynot said:


> Once she decided to leave, I knew I could not live in our house anymore. I contacted my neighbor about buying it, and less than an hour ago they agreed - cash sale, they pay closing costs and I get 60 days to get everything out. I sent an email to my biggest client inquiring about employment and less than 72 hours later had a job offer on the table for more a higher position at more than I asked for. The new job is near my daughter's place so I won't be more than half an hour away. I can start as soon as the Monday after next.
> I called the counselor and I am going to another session next week. I know I need some help to work thru all of the swirling emotions I am feeling.


Wow, wow and wow! At every turn you are seeing things fall into place due to your direct action. Keep moving forward. She will either come to her senses or you will be better for it.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Once she decided to leave, I knew I could not live in our house anymore. I contacted my neighbor about buying it, and less than an hour ago they agreed - cash sale, they pay closing costs and I get 60 days to get everything out. I sent an email to my biggest client inquiring about employment and less than 72 hours later had a job offer on the table for more a higher position at more than I asked for. The new job is near my daughter's place so I won't be more than half an hour away. I can start as soon as the Monday after next.
> I called the counselor and I am going to another session next week. I know I need some help to work thru all of the swirling emotions I am feeling.


Wow, talking about one door closing and another opening! You seem to have your head on pretty squarely and should come out fine.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

We signed the purchase agreement today. While my wife was here we started discussing the fact that some of this months bills were starting to come due and what did SHE want to do about them. Since it was her decision to leave why should I be responsible for them? She hadn't thought about that. Then I told her that something else she needed to find out was how much she had in her 401k. Her face went white. I truly believe she hadn't even thought about (which so far has been par for the course). Last I remember she might've had $15,000 in it. She got all defensive and said "if you want to take half of that I guess that is what we'll do!" as she took off into the closet to grab something. I told her, that I really don't want any of it, but that since SHE decided that was the way it was going to be I am entitled to it. I truly think that in her mind she was going to walk away from this with enough money to pay off her debts, which would allow her to possibly being able to make it on her own. She may actually end having to pay me, instead of having a cushion.
The fact is that all along she has made the decisions and now I guess she might have to start paying the price herself instead of having me around to backstop her crap.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: No choice in the matter*



Ynot said:


> We signed the purchase agreement today. While my wife was here we started discussing the fact that some of this months bills were starting to come due and what did SHE want to do about them. Since it was her decision to leave why should I be responsible for them? She hadn't thought about that. Then I told her that something else she needed to find out was how much she had in her 401k. Her face went white. I truly believe she hadn't even thought about (which so far has been par for the course). Last I remember she might've had $15,000 in it. She got all defensive and said "if you want to take half of that I guess that is what we'll do!" as she took off into the closet to grab something. I told her, that I really don't want any of it, but that since SHE decided that was the way it was going to be I am entitled to it. I truly think that in her mind she was going to walk away from this with enough money to pay off her debts, which would allow her to possibly being able to make it on her own. She may actually end having to pay me, instead of having a cushion.
> The fact is that all along she has made the decisions and now I guess she might have to start paying the price herself instead of having me around to backstop her crap.


Perfect. Be courteous, but continue to hammer home the reality of the situation to her.

Reality is not her friend.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

YNOT,

Sometimes the best lesson of life are experienced in the cold morning after a bad decision...you are doing exactly the right course of actions....there is a price to pay for independence..please stick to your guns....BTW did you have confront her on what her roommate ex husband told you about his wife?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Xenote said:


> YNOT,
> 
> Sometimes the best lesson of life are experienced in the cold morning after a bad decision...you are doing exactly the right course of actions....there is a price to pay for independence..please stick to your guns....BTW did you have confront her on what her roommate ex husband told you about his wife?


Yes I did. First she said that her roomie wasn't doing that. I told her that her BFFs ex had provided me with a link to the site. "Want to have fun?". I told her that I have asked every man I can think of what is the first thing that comes to mind and the answer was unanimous. My wife said if that was the case it was only because she didn't understand that that is what it meant. Later on I checked and her roommate had changed it "love the beach". Who knows how long she'll keep it that way when her hits dry up?
My wife also said that has nothing to do with her because that is not what she is all about. I have no evidence to prove otherwise, so I had no more ammunition to fight about it.
I did speak to her roommate's ex in the interim and basically I get the feeling that he is just stirring about trouble for his ex. Some of his story doesn't make sense either.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

As a postscript - I have since talked at length to both of our kids. They are mad at their mother, but this most recent development only deepened their anger. Both said in light of this that they had taken the time to reflect on their relationship with their mother. 
Our daughter said that she was angry because her mom refused to listen to what she had to say and instead did most of the talking herself. Whenever my daughter attempted to offer her opinion, she was rebuffed with "that is just Dad talking!". When she tried to tell her mom that NO those are my opinions, it was as if she never opened her mouth. She said in light of that she had reconsidered all of her discussions with her mom and realized that it had always been that way. 
Our son said that he didn't particularly feel close to his mother and that he felt their relationship was "superficial" at best. He said he was most angry because his mother had upset his sister so badly. He said he had lived thru a divorce and never imagined that his sister would ever have to deal with the fall out of one. 
Both conversations were real eye openers for me. Both validated some of the feelings that I had been having. I am questioning every fiber of my being because of this situation and in some way it was nice to know that at least some of what I was feeling was based on reality.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Just curious, did you rule out an affair on your wifes part? Sorry if it was already addressed.. I missed it.


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