# Advice on helping financially with partner's ex wife's addiction



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi all,

I would like to get some other perspectives on the current situation my partner and I are facing. My partner is divorced and his ex wife has an alcohol addiction. As a result he got physical custody in the divorce and she can only have supervised visitations with the children (5 and 10) until such time as she's undertaken a rule 25 assessment and followed a recommended treatment plan. 
Things seemed to be going well, she was sticking to the court order albeit she never had the Rule 25 assessment. She still drank when not with the children, I guess as a functioning alcoholic, and not every day, but now she has been going on days long benders again.

Unfortunately, it's now at the stage where her work have told her if she doesn't enroll in a treatment plan this week, she will lose her job (she has been absent on way too many occasions due to this.) She has never done anything to help herself before and has remained in denial about needing treatment and having an addiction. There is always an excuse - even when previously she has been taken to hospital and they've tried to get her into a center to help, as a fully grown adult she's refused and there's nothing they can do.

She currently has no insurance. Why I'm not sure. She never took any insurance when my partner took her off his after the divorce. She's claiming that without insurance she cannot get in a treatment plan and she needs a sizeable sum of money to make this happen now. The amount of money she claims it costs varies.

During the divorce my partner got the marital property to bring up the children, and she has a lien for her equity. He's unable to pay her in full at this time, instead he is making a monthly payment. If she does not pay the child maintenance she's ordered to pay, or other related bills, he deducts what she owes from the equity. 

We have discussed and I am going to be buying into the property. I do have the funds to clear the whole amount straight away, but we have discussed that if we do so we fear:
1. She will blow it all on alcohol and end up killing herself
2. She would have been paid everything and any failure to pay for her financial contribution towards the children would fall on him and that would make it difficult for him to live. At least this way, if she fails to pay a bill, I can send him the money and we call it a payment towards the equity.

In the past, many people have offered to help fund her treatment, even before they separated my partner did many many times. But she refused. As I said, there's always an excuse.

A little about her: this is from my perspective and based on what my partner and his family have told me, but I feel his ex wife is a narc and also has no sense of personal responsibility. She got her job as a family friend got it for her many many years ago. She never learned to drive since my partner would always make sure he could, she would never help him with that burden. When she talks, she only talks of what has happened to her. She only ever contacts my partner when she's drunk and wants to blame him for it, never to ask how the children are or to speak to them. Now she is blaming her company for not sticking by her after 23 years service, yet they have stuck by her for years and tried to help her. It is always someone else's fault. I feel she is childlike in her mentality.

So now she needs to find some money quickly or she will lose her job. I am in a position to make that happen. We have discussed whether it should be offered as a release from her equity, but neither of us think she would actually use it for treatment to save her job and save her from hitting rock bottom and the pain that would ensue with the children not being able to see her. We made a decision that if she was serious about getting help this time, she could present a plan to her employer that she will go to free AA meetings or something as a start, get insurance, and then get enrolled. If she doesn't take even those options, then she has already chosen she won't get the help, she won't take the personal responsibility of making it happen. 

She has so far lost everything except her job, she's alienated so many people around her. Does she need to hit rock bottom to climb back up or would you release the money (which she is owed but not by me) and hope she does the right thing with it? Her equity portion is fast dwindling due to non payment of bills. Is it better to keep it so that when she has solved the problem for herself, she has something to start rebuilding her life with?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Until she accepts that she’s an alcoholic you are wasting your time trying to help her. It’s everybody’s fault except hers, this is how she lives her life and nobody except herself can change that mindset.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Until she accepts that she’s an alcoholic you are wasting your time trying to help her. It’s everybody’s fault except hers, this is how she lives her life and nobody except herself can change that mindset.


Up until now she has denied needing treatment. Something at least has shifted in that. Perhaps it's finally taking for the risk of her job to see it. But now she is saying she needs it, hence our dilemma?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MarmiteC said:


> During the divorce my partner got the marital property to bring up the children, and she has a lien for her equity. He's unable to pay her in full at this time, instead he is making a monthly payment. If she does not pay the child maintenance she's ordered to pay, or other related bills, he deducts what she owes from the equity.


This is a horrible idea unless it's part of the court orders. She could easily sue for the money owed unless the deductions for missing support payments has been signed off on by the judge. Conversely, your spouse could also take her back to court for those missing support payments.



MarmiteC said:


> We have discussed and I am going to be buying into the property. I do have the funds to clear the whole amount straight away, but we have discussed that if we do so we fear:
> 1. She will blow it all on alcohol and end up killing herself
> 2. She would have been paid everything and any failure to pay for her financial contribution towards the children would fall on him and that would make it difficult for him to live. At least this way, if she fails to pay a bill, I can send him the money and we call it a payment towards the equity.


What she does with the money owed her is not your problem or business. The money is legally owed to her to do with as she pleases.



MarmiteC said:


> So now she needs to find some money quickly or she will lose her job


Not your problem.



MarmiteC said:


> . We have discussed whether it should be offered as a release from her equity, but neither of us think she would actually use it for treatment to save her job and save her from hitting rock bottom and the pain that would ensue with the children not being able to see her.


Again, not your problem. If she continues to fail as a person and parent that is on her. Yes, it is sad for the kids. But the reality is that she's an alcoholic and not a good parent or a good influence. ACOA exists for damn good reason.

Frankly, with her being an alcoholic, I'd want her completely off the home related paperwork ASAP lest her actions result in some type of legal entanglement you two get caught up in. Buy her out, get her off the paperwork and the lien removed, and let her sink or swim.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> This is a horrible idea unless it's part of the court orders. She could easily sue for the money owed unless the deductions for missing support payments has been signed off on by the judge. Conversely, your spouse could also take her back to court for those missing support payments.


At the moment, these deductions are agreed to by both parties and a record of the payments is kept and shared between them. Of course, if that turns sour then both would have to go back to court.



MJJEAN said:


> What she does with the money owed her is not your problem or business. The money is legally owed to her to do with as she pleases


I do agree. However my partner cannot refi to pay her at this point owing to some marital debt which he took as part of the divorce settlement. He's paying as much as he can every month with a minimum set by the court, but often he's paying her more.



MJJEAN said:


> Not your problem.


Does it not become part my problem when the children are distressed that they cannot see their mother because she's in a ditch somewhere, or worse? 



MJJEAN said:


> Again, not your problem. If she continues to fail as a person and parent that is on her. Yes, it is sad for the kids. But the reality is that she's an alcoholic and not a good parent or a good influence. ACOA exists for damn good reason.
> 
> Frankly, with her being an alcoholic, I'd want her completely off the home related paperwork ASAP lest her actions result in some type of legal entanglement you two get caught up in. Buy her out, get her off the paperwork and the lien removed, and let her sink or swim.


I hear what you say, we just struggle with that approach since we fear she will sink. But perhaps you are right, perhaps this way at least it's known rather than limbo state. And we can then just focus on the children and what is best for them and if she's in a ditch, so be it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Does it not become part my problem when the children are distressed that they cannot see their mother because she's in a ditch somewhere, or worse?


Coming from a man who is dealing with an addicted XW I can tell you that NO it isn't your problem.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Coming from a man who is dealing with an addicted XW I can tell you that NO it isn't your problem.


Thanks.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Thanks.


Don't let someone drag you or the children I to something that only they can fix. And speaking about the kids, you can't protect them from the consequences of an addicts decisions. In fact, you shouldn't for two reasons. One, it will guarantee that they will have no false impressions on the type of person she is. And two, it's the best teaching opportunity you could have.

My XW spent time in the court system, in prison and in recovery. I did not hide any of those fact from my kids and answered any questions they had about their mother. Yes it was hard and sometimes painful but them knowing the truth and seeing the consequences of her actions was necessary.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

So I've had another conversation with my partner and his absolute view is that he has a court order to pay her X amount per month. That is what she's entitled to and not a lump sum.

My agreement with him is that I will be buying into the property at X amount per month but I will not be paying as a lump sum unless the exchange rate is advantageous. It currently is not so it would be foolish to pay it all now.

He said his view is that if she makes steps to solving this herself then he will look what can be done, but otherwise he feels he would again be solving her problem when there is no legal responsibility to do so. He no longer morally feels he should either. Instead we should focus on energy on making sure the children are well cared for and dealing with any fallout that comes from this with regards to their welfare only.

It feels 'cold' to me, but it is his decision.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You sound like a very kind and loving person, but this woman is not a rescue project. Stay out of it. It's not your problem. People have to face the consequences for their own actions. You are injecting your own thoughts about the children. They will be fine. Just stay out of it.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Don't let someone drag you or the children I to something that only they can fix. And speaking about the kids, you can't protect them from the consequences of an addicts decisions. In fact, you shouldn't for two reasons. One, it will guarantee that they will have no false impressions on the type of person she is. And two, it's the best teaching opportunity you could have.
> 
> My XW spent time in the court system, in prison and in recovery. I did not hide any of those fact from my kids and answered any questions they had about their mother. Yes it was hard and sometimes painful but them knowing the truth and seeing the consequences of her actions was necessary.


Thank you for sharing this. This advice is aligned with what the counsellors told my partner during mediation. They advised the kids are told. He wanted to but she requested he didn't. Now we're just preparing to sit them down and explain why they won't see their Mother this weekend as planned.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> You sound like a very kind and loving person, but this woman is not a rescue project. Stay out of it. It's not your problem. People have to face the consequences for their own actions. You are injecting your own thoughts about the children. They will be fine. Just stay out of it.


Thanks. Quite blunt and to the point, but you are right and probably what I needed to hear.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Thank you for sharing this. This advice is aligned with what the counsellors told my partner during mediation. They advised the kids are told. He wanted to but she requested he didn't. Now we're just preparing to sit them down and explain why they won't see their Mother this weekend as planned.


Truth is always better, gives the children time to process and grieve. I believe that if I hadn't have been upfront about it that it would have done more harm to the children in the long run.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> He said his view is that if she makes steps to solving this herself then he will look what can be done, but otherwise he feels he would again be solving her problem when there is no legal responsibility to do so. He no longer morally feels he should either. Instead we should focus on energy on making sure the children are well cared for and dealing with any fallout that comes from this with regards to their welfare only.
> 
> It feels 'cold' to me, but it is his decision.


Yes, it is his decision and for you to insert yourself into the matter would show a great deal of disrespect for him. Please don't do that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> So I've had another conversation with my partner and his absolute view is that he has a court order to pay her X amount per month. That is what she's entitled to and not a lump sum.
> 
> My agreement with him is that I will be buying into the property at X amount per month but I will not be paying as a lump sum unless the exchange rate is advantageous. It currently is not so it would be foolish to pay it all now.
> 
> ...


This seems like the right thing for everyone involved, at this point. His ex has to want to change for herself, otherwise it will probably just be temporary to appear as though she has changed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would have thought it's unlikely that any health insurance she takes out would cover her for alcoholism due to the fact that it's an ongoing issue. 
If anyone does give her the money for rehab, they need to make sure it's paid to the rehab centre and not to her. She may well drink it all away. 

You mention the exchange rate. Do you and your partner live in different countries?

In the end she isn't your problem. They are no longer married and she must take responsibility for herself. 
Yes it's sad for the children, having a useless parent is sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would have thought it's unlikely that any health insurance she takes out would cover her for alcoholism due to the fact that it's an ongoing issue. 
If anyone does give her the money for rehab, they need to make sure it's paid to the rehab centre and not to her. She may well drink it all away. 

You mention the exchange rate. Do you and your partner live in different countries?

In the end she isn't your problem. They are no longer married and she must take responsibility for herself. 
Yes it's sad for the children, having a useless parent is sad.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Yes, it is his decision and for you to insert yourself into the matter would show a great deal of disrespect for him. Please don't do that.


I'm not 'inserting myself' into the matter. He has raised the thoughts with me and asked my opinion. It is being talked over. He said he did think about asking me to pay everything now to be done with it, as MMJEAN suggested. So I am involved and invited, but I am not making the decision and any final choice is his.

We're 2 people with a set of views, and we like to consider all options for fairness, hence the question here.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Truth is always better, gives the children time to process and grieve. I believe that if I hadn't have been upfront about it that it would have done more harm to the children in the long run.


Thank you. Do you know if there's some resources out there we can use to prepare ourselves to do the best with that conversation?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would have thought it's unlikely that any health insurance she takes out would cover her for alcoholism due to the fact that it's an ongoing issue.
> If anyone does give her the money for rehab, they need to make sure it's paid to the rehab centre and not to her. She may well drink it all away.
> 
> You mention the exchange rate. Do you and your partner live in different countries?
> ...


Thanks Diane. That consideration was given to whether it was paid to her or not. But again, I guess it would be her money if we chose to go that route. 

Yes, we are UK-USA. The pound dropped alot in the last month and on this sum of money would be a sizeable impact.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Thank you. Do you know if there's some resources out there we can use to prepare ourselves to do the best with that conversation?


Every kid is different in what they are able to handle and to process. I conferred with a therapist on the best way to have the discussion. For my situation, we decided that it was best to tell the kids individually because of their ages. Not suprisely my oldest already knew somewhat. Kids are more perceptive then we give them credit for.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MarmiteC said:


> Thanks Diane. That consideration was given to whether it was paid to her or not. But again, I guess it would be her money if we chose to go that route.
> 
> Yes, we are UK-USA. The pound dropped alot in the last month and on this sum of money would be a sizeable impact.


This exchange rate issue is unfortunate. If you haven't consulted a lawyer I think this would be a good time to check with one regarding shared liability in the event the ex gets, say, sued. If there are civil or criminal judgements against her is her lien on the home an asset that could be part of a judgement against her? Could this be used to force a sale of the home? Just some general cover your butt questions.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> This exchange rate issue is unfortunate. If you haven't consulted a lawyer I think this would be a good time to check with one regarding shared liability in the event the ex gets, say, sued. If there are civil or criminal judgements against her is her lien on the home an asset that could be part of a judgement against her? Could this be used to force a sale of the home? Just some general cover your butt questions.


Honestly I hadn't thought about this so thank you! Absolutely we need to protect that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Thanks Diane. That consideration was given to whether it was paid to her or not. But again, I guess it would be her money if we chose to go that route.
> 
> Yes, we are UK-USA. The pound dropped alot in the last month and on this sum of money would be a sizeable impact.


How do you manage a relationship so far away? Can't be easy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My 11 year olds sperm donor is an addict (drugs and alcohol). He was actively using and drinking for the first half of her life, got clean, and a couple years ago went back to drinking and eventually using again. He gradually earned more time and freedom and eventually lost it again. By his own choice he now has no parental rights at all, never will, is not allowed to have any contact, and I adopted her. So that was a lot for her to deal with and a lot to explain. 

You will likely want to talk to the children separately, because they are so far apart in age. The conversation needs to be age appropriate for both kids. If you can, a child's therapist is a great tool but you likely don't have time for that before this weekend. 

Whether you think the ex is a bad person or not, leave that out of it. Your emotions and opinions should (for the most part), be left out of it. Explain that some people can drink alcohol and don't have problems with it, but some people have a very hard time stopping. Addiction should be explained as a disease. She is unwell, her brain is sick, she needs medical help, she struggles to get it, she may have made bad choices, etc., but she is not a bad person. 

If children hear their parent is a bad person they often turn that into "I'M a bad person" for reasons like they are half of each parent or they did something bad too. For the last one, it can be as simple as "I didn't clean my room" or "I spilled milk, am I bad person too?". 

You need to really reinforce that it's not the child's fault at all. There is nothing they did to cause it and there is nothing they can do to stop it. Don't underestimate their need to hear that, as often as needed. 

You also want to reinforce that they shouldn't be ashamed about what is going on, they don't need to hide it, they are not alone (millions of kids are in similar shoes, it's common), and that addiction has nothing to do with the kids. They may say something like "mom doesn't care enough about me/us to get better/stop drinking". That may feel true but it's not. Don't dismiss their feelings but do explain that she makes decisions that are hard to understand and that hurt sometimes. 

As for why they cannot see her right now, make it about their safety. This will likely look different for the 5 and 10 year old because they will have different questions. Be honest with them and let them ask as many questions as they want. If you don't give them answers they will make up their own, which are usually quite out there. Explain they can see their mom again when it is safe for them to do so. She is not in a position to make the right or safe choices for the kids right now. You are making the best decision you can. In the meantime, maybe they would like to write a letter, draw a picture, etc. 

If you have alcohol in the house they may become hypersensitive to seeing it. 

In addition to a counselor, there are support groups for kids of alcoholic parents. It may help them (more so the older child) see they are not alone. 

At some point in the near future you will also want to explain the genetic link. It's something they need to know for their own health.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His ex-wife is no longer powered by anything solid.

Her engine runs on alcohol.

The Genie in the bottle has her by the short hairs.

This is not substance abuse, it is the substance in control.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> So I've had another conversation with my partner and his absolute view is that he has a court order to pay her X amount per month. That is what she's entitled to and not a lump sum.
> 
> My agreement with him is that I will be buying into the property at X amount per month but I will not be paying as a lump sum unless the exchange rate is advantageous. It currently is not so it would be foolish to pay it all now.
> 
> ...


A logical (reasoned) approach tends to save more feelings than an emotional approach does, because things work out better when you use your head. Emotional decisions tend to be a lot messier and create a lot more drama.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> How do you manage a relationship so far away? Can't be easy.


Delta airlines gets rich 😂


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

bobert said:


> My 11 year olds sperm donor is an addict (drugs and alcohol). He was actively using and drinking for the first half of her life, got clean, and a couple years ago went back to drinking and eventually using again. He gradually earned more time and freedom and eventually lost it again. By his own choice he now has no parental rights at all, never will, is not allowed to have any contact, and I adopted her. So that was a lot for her to deal with and a lot to explain.
> 
> You will likely want to talk to the children separately, because they are so far apart in age. The conversation needs to be age appropriate for both kids. If you can, a child's therapist is a great tool but you likely don't have time for that before this weekend.
> 
> ...


Thanks Bobert. 

We've never trash talked their Mom, no matter what she does or doesn't do. They will never hear that from us. 

We hope she sobers up in enough time to have her supervised access this weekend but if not we are preparing to talk to them. 

My partner's Mom is on hand physically to help out with that also as there is only so much I can do from here. If we end up down that route I will suggest a therapist, particularly for the eldest who suffered some anxiety and panic attacks when she was absent quite a bit before. 

And I guess we navigate this as it happens.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do the kids have any idea what is going on? Do they know why they only have supervised visits?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Do the kids have any idea what is going on? Do they know why they only have supervised visits?


I will say that you have to tell them.
You can't really hide that from kids and I didn't try. Kind of hard to explain to my kids why the court-ordered person was there.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

First of all your partner better have ran all of his actions about when she doesn't pay bills or for the children, he takes it out of her equity. He needs to make sure that is done with an attorneys blessings because on paper that may just look like a gift to her and she could claim that. Or she could just claim she never agreed to that. And he better have very good records proving it.

I'd be more comfortable he had a court order saying that was okay to handle it that way.

She isn't going to quit no matter how hard everyone around her tries to get her to or pays for things, so don't waste one cent on that. She's not going to be able to hold a job unless it's a very loose job, so don't waste money on effort trying to help with that. She is going to miss use whatever she gets in her hands. 

My goal would be to get her out of my life entirely if possible. If that meant him getting a second job to pay her off, that's what I would do. 

You should not be investing in this extremely bad proposition. You should not be bailing out either one of them. You need to keep your money in your pocket and let him deal with this. There is no good outcome for you getting in the middle of it with your money.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Delta airlines gets rich 😂


Are you moving there?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly this is so convoluted that it sounds like an internet scam to me. You should not give any money to anyone in this situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly this is so convoluted that it sounds like an internet scam to me. You should not give any money to anyone in this situation.


I am guessing they have met up quite a few times, but who knows.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I will say that you have to tell them.
> You can't really hide that from kids and I didn't try. Kind of hard to explain to my kids why the court-ordered person was there.


My partner agreed to the boys Grandmother acting as the supervision so no, they don't know. They do ask why they go there instead of to their Mom's apartment, but they're happy they get to see everyone at the same time.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> First of all your partner better have ran all of his actions about when she doesn't pay bills or for the children, he takes it out of her equity. He needs to make sure that is done with an attorneys blessings because on paper that may just look like a gift to her and she could claim that. Or she could just claim she never agreed to that. And he better have very good records proving it.
> 
> I'd be more comfortable he had a court order saying that was okay to handle it that way.
> 
> ...


I don't see my money as bailing them out if I am buying into property. It's not a gift.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Are you moving there?


That is the plan, for next year, yes.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly this is so convoluted that it sounds like an internet scam to me. You should not give any money to anyone in this situation.





Diana7 said:


> I am guessing they have met up quite a few times, but who knows.


We have met up frequently. We have met each other's family multiple times. He is coming to visit for 3 weeks with the boys in June (with their Mom's written signed permission.) 
This isn't a scam, it's the start of a life together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There are big questions whether any of that is even legal. Just because that's how he has decided to handle it doesn't mean that it is legal. You could be buying into something that has no validity. So unless you just have a lot of money you can afford to lose, it sounds like a very bad decision.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Going back to the work ultimatum. It seems that they're interested enough in trying to keep her. Are you sure that there is no EAP there that covers cost of treatment?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are big questions whether any of that is even legal. Just because that's how he has decided to handle it doesn't mean that it is legal. You could be buying into something that has no validity. So unless you just have a lot of money you can afford to lose, it sounds like a very bad decision.


We've spoken to the title company who have explained the process to add me. I'm not sure why you'd think we'd be doing this without formalities but we are and I will be protected.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Update:

We didn't give her the money and she did nothing for herself, so she lost her job. We've ended up having to tell the children also.
She had the boys last weekend, and set them up with Kids Messenger on their phones to call/message her. After the boys were picked up she went on another bender and she was so drunk that she couldn't recognise that a test call made at 10:30am wasn't made at 10.30pm. She went on a rant of messages to my partner about how he isn't taking care of the boys and they shouldn't have their phones at 10.30pm, but sent those messages to her son. 🙈 The following day, her son called her and she answered blind drunk. That's when the messages were seen.

My partner did a great job of explaining the situation factually, without displaying anger about her. They listened well, and the eldest said that a number of things now made more sense. He was so brave about it all. We have offered him counselling, and told him to ask any questions he has.
The youngest wasn't really listening, but he did get upset that messenger had to be removed from his phone, understandably. 

So what next? We don't really know. She claims she will get her hands on her 401K now and that she will use some for treatment, but we can only wait and see.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Update:
> 
> We didn't give her the money and she did nothing for herself, so she lost her job. We've ended up having to tell the children also.
> She had the boys last weekend, and set them up with Kids Messenger on their phones to call/message her. After the boys were picked up she went on another bender and she was so drunk that she couldn't recognise that a test call made at 10:30am wasn't made at 10.30pm. She went on a rant of messages to my partner about how he isn't taking care of the boys and they shouldn't have their phones at 10.30pm, but sent those messages to her son. 🙈 The following day, her son called her and she answered blind drunk. That's when the messages were seen.
> ...


So sad for the children.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

That's really sad, @MarmiteC. Addiction is such an evil destroyer of people and relationships.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Update:
> 
> We didn't give her the money and she did nothing for herself, so she lost her job. We've ended up having to tell the children also.
> She had the boys last weekend, and set them up with Kids Messenger on their phones to call/message her. After the boys were picked up she went on another bender and she was so drunk that she couldn't recognise that a test call made at 10:30am wasn't made at 10.30pm. She went on a rant of messages to my partner about how he isn't taking care of the boys and they shouldn't have their phones at 10.30pm, but sent those messages to her son. 🙈 The following day, her son called her and she answered blind drunk. That's when the messages were seen.
> ...


They will make it through this. Just be there for them and listen to them.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

If you were able to help, it might be better to arrange payment of the insurance or program directly. Providing a big check to her directly carries a big risk.


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