# Am I the only one that's scared?



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Sad, angry, unhappy, digusted, you name it they are all words to describe what each of us may have felt, but is anyone else scared? I try not to think about it, but sometimes I almost become paralized by fear of the future. I've been with my husband since I was 18 (I'm now 46) and I've known no other life. We've been separated 9 months and divorce is definitely going to happen in the next few months and I'm scared to death. I'm overwhelmed with the legalities of the whole thing so much so that I've done nothing to prepare for it. I've kind of taken a hands off approach since this was his idea.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The future is coming whether you prepare for it or not. I suggest you put your hands on the wheel and at least attempt to steer it.

What have you got to lose by trying?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

NO! You are not the only one. I have nothing compared to the time you do invested but I'm all the things you say and especially scared. 
When I have my kids I feel like a million bucks but the minute they go with her I am a nervous wreck.

I'm afraid as hell. Don't feel bad for being scared, how could you be expected not to be?!?!?

The day will come though where we're not terrified anymore but instead happy again! Believe it!!!


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Yes, I'm scared. I am 52, got married when I was 33. Husband and I separated last summer. I filed for divorce just this past week.

We have a 15-year-old daughter, who lives with me. I am scared a lot about my future. Finances are very tight. My daughter and I share a one-bedroom apartment because I can't afford anything bigger.

After a lifetime of working hard, this is not where I thought I'd be at my age - having to live very frugally, worried about my later years, living without a partner. It's terrifying, really.

The thing is to take it one day at a time. Today I am all right. I have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen and enough money for this month's rent and bills. I have a good job. My daughter is beautiful and sweet. There are books to read, cats to play with, and chocolate to eat. It's not all bad. Hang in there.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I've got to admit. I am scared to death. Someday I feel like I rather die than face the future. I don't even know what I'm going to do without my wife. You are definitely not the only one that feel this way.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm scared every day. Sometimes it paralyzes me. Like I've said in other posts, I've been a moon orbiting my wife for 21 years. Soon Ill be a wandering asteroid and it scares me to death. This is the consequence of validating yourself via another person for so long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

yeah I was scared at first

then I realised I'd practically been living on my own (well, with D) for two years anyway

and remembered that I'm the one with the good, secure job, the financial sense, etc.

tbere's nothing wrong with being scared but you should be excited too! You are a person, not an extension of your partner


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I get scared but then the person I want to share my fear with is my H---but he left. Then starts the cycle of hurt, shame, anger, and then fear. I learned a long time ago that fear is the underlying cause of a lot of anger and/or disconnect. My H left because underneath it all he was scared---I have communications from him from months before his exit that prove it but at that time, I thought he was being sensitive/open by telling me but now I see, perhaps it was a warning. Everything will be as it's meant to be and that's scary too...hang in there.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

of course there are bouts of fear, i don't know what's going to happen, but then again i never did


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

No, you are not the only one. What scared me the most was to be alone, but then again I sort of felt like it for several years (emotionally).

I re-read the second bullet in this article to regain perspective:

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Life after Divorce


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Funny how these subjects pop up when I can use the wisdom the most. I just posted a story in general because I filed separation after 23 years. Yes I am very scared and very lonely. We were partners and best friends at one time. Now he has abandoned the marraige [did that long ago] and left his son and I to make are way with nothing. We just went through BK 3 months discharged and he went behind my back and bought a truck he cant afford. Even traded in our old truck. Bought an expencive lap top because he wants to have a secret life. Yes I am scared because I have no funds no job and worked in an industry that I cant do anymore because my back is gone. I am almost retiremant age, and cared for him after a stroke for 5 years. I never thought he would be [ or anyone for that matter] could be so dam selfish. I am just trying to cope. Thanks, Toby


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm scared every day as well. I miss my ex in many ways, despite knowing the separation is probably for the best. I saw her a couple of days ago for the first time in 2.5 months. It was an awkward moment for both of us (and at a wake), and she didn't seem right to me. It seemed to be like she's regressed emotionally. She was even speaking to me in a high-pitched voice. It was odd.

At 45, I am in the process of rebooting my life in all areas - social, personal, financial, love, sex - and that is intimidating, but I am making slow progress. There are times when it still seems surreal, as if it's still a bad dream. Sometimes I catch myself saying "what the f*ck happened" out loud in my home. Then reality hits and I know I have to do my best to move one.

Apparently my ex is happy to be independent, single and free to pursue her career. I don't know if she even misses me, and to hear her say she wasn't sure if she was ever in love with me still stings. A good friend told me I am better off, and that I have yet to even experience true, two-way love. Hope he's right.

Know you're not alone. This definitely sucks, it's difficult, but others have emerged happier than ever, and we need to be part of our own solutions and remember when one door closes, another opens. Eventually.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> There are times when it still seems surreal, as if it's still a bad dream. *Sometimes I catch myself saying "what the f*ck happened" out loud in my home. *Then reality hits and I know I have to do my best to move one.
> (...)
> Know you're not alone. This definitely sucks, it's difficult, *but others have emerged happier than ever*, and we need to be part of our own solutions and remember when one door closes, another opens. Eventually.


I asked myself the same question... how did I end up in this mess?

I hope I find happiness. I'm making slow progress. No one else is going to make me happy, so, I'm taking matters into my own hands. 

Nonetheless, this experience is changing how I view the world and relationships. I'm not sure that I will be able to trust up to the same level, or that I will allow myself to become that attached to someone else.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I am absolutely terrified. I still can't believe this is happening. 22 years together (18 married) and then one day it's all gone. I am praying he will come to his senses and try to make this work. I have no job and two teenage children....I don't know where I will end up in the future.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Thanks for all your posts. My realistic mind knows thst I'm not alone in this and that others are going through EXACTLY the same thing I am, but my emtional side gets the best of me sometimes, and I feel like I'm stranded on a remote island alone. This has been another difficult weekend for me, nothing out if the ordinary, saw him both days. He helped work on the yards and all has been fine. It just seemsthat outif nowhere I get struck down with fear and/or sadness and it feels like I'm back to square one again. 

I don't know what I'd do without all of you and this forum. Virtual hugs to all of you.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Please forgive the spelling errors, posting from a tablet can be challenging!!!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> Sad, angry, unhappy, digusted, you name it they are all words to describe what each of us may have felt, but is anyone else scared? I try not to think about it, but sometimes I almost become paralized by fear of the future. I've been with my husband since I was 18 (I'm now 46) and I've known no other life. We've been separated 9 months and divorce is definitely going to happen in the next few months and I'm scared to death. I'm overwhelmed with the legalities of the whole thing so much so that I've done nothing to prepare for it. I've kind of taken a hands off approach since this was his idea.


I am scared here, though w/ each day he is gone I feel less scared. "I can do this," is often said to myself (silently and out loud). I have been w/ H basically since my 16th bday and it's all I have known for 27 yrs. I have never dated as an adult. This was my H idea as well, he blamed me but my friends, therapist and kids have shown me that it wasn't my 100% my fault (maybe not even 50%!). I have been overwhelmed and deeply saddened our youngest is 4. 

I thought I'd let him file, but I have been told it maybe a long time before he files and I don't want to live like this (limbo and w/ his hateful attitude) and deal w/ the new financial problems that he is causing.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

We've been very amicable and friendly. He spends alot of time here and helps out quite a bit with things that need to be done around the house. I know I'm enabling him in a way, but I can't bring myself to go no contact. I feel like "if I can't have him as my husband, at least I can have him as my friend". Its such an odd spot to be in. I know our neighbors probably think we're whacked because we still hang out together.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> We've been very amicable and friendly. He spends alot of time here and helps out quite a bit with things that need to be done around the house. I know I'm enabling him in a way, but I can't bring myself to go no contact. I feel like "if I can't have him as my husband, at least I can have him as my friend". Its such an odd spot to be in. I know our neighbors probably think we're whacked because we still hang out together.


Wow! Mine has done NOTHING around the house. I am not even sure from month to month if house/utilities will be paid.

I have learned to weedeat w/ gas weedeater, cut grass, purge years of possessions, build stuff and other stuff that's always been left to him to do. In a couple of weeks I will learn the chainsaw
Of course my 6 yr old says I need to stop cleaning and find a husband (I love it when they are so clever!)LOL

It'll be years before I could consider 'friends' w/ stbxh


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Just, I tried that, the "shadow" husband, letting him come here, take care of things as if he still lived here. But then, he got in the car and drove away to leave me again. It was very hard for me to decide to tell him he had to stay away. I know he always took pride in the care of his home but I couldn't do it anymore. He had to go for good. He only just changed his address after a YEAR since he moved out. I am not crazy, however and I am going to let him take care of the Spring lawn care, get the pool all ready to open and some other large projects, I just won't be home and I won't have to spend a lot of money I won't have soon


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Oh no you're not the only one that's scared!

Been a year now since Lieceratops kicked me to the curb like yesterday's garbage (read: abandoned). Emotions have run the gamut from angry, depressed, sad, scared and back again.


Just when I thought my heart couldn't break any more, ok shatter, DD went to stay in NJ with Lie and Trampasaurus, temporarily. Taking her to the airport was harder than giving birth! But the texts, calls, FB and soon Skype help so much. I know she'll be back here, eventually but for now she and I both have to get our lives on track in many ways.

The biggest fear, for me anyway, is surviving financially. Unemployed, self-employed for nearly a decade, still trying to recover from brain surgery and it's after effects, waiting on disability hearing results, ...

Having survived thus far only makes me a little more confident. I have survived bigger things than the cheating STBXH and the destruction of my marriage. This is becoming (more and more) another bump in the road that is life.


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