# Unhealthy fights and how to keep going



## Justadude37

Hello. I'm new to forums in general but I've been desperate to find somewhere to connect with people about life and relationships. I'm 30 years old. I have a 11 yr old stepson and a 1 yr old son and I've been with my wife for 7 years. Most of the time our relationship is great but every few weeks we get into these crazy fights. We say ****ty things to eachother and it just feels traumatic. I don't know if I have a specific question except I'm just curious how other people handle this. It's hard to not let these 4-5 hour fights cloud the rest of my perception of my marriage. Any thoughts, advice, anecdotes?


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## Evinrude58

Stop losing your temper. When you sense escalation, step out for a drive to cool off.

Try to talk in a way that shows love, even in anger.

Learn to deal with your emotions,lead by example.

Don’t let her run over you, but don’t lose it on her.


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## 269370

Justadude37 said:


> Hello. I'm new to forums in general but I've been desperate to find somewhere to connect with people about life and relationships. I'm 30 years old. I have a 11 yr old stepson and a 1 yr old son and I've been with my wife for 7 years. Most of the time our relationship is great but every few weeks we get into these crazy fights. We say ****ty things to eachother and it just feels traumatic. I don't know if I have a specific question except I'm just curious how other people handle this. It's hard to not let these 4-5 hour fights cloud the rest of my perception of my marriage. Any thoughts, advice, anecdotes?




If by ‘every few weeks’ you mean every four weeks, then yeah, we have those too.
They are entirely linked to my wife’s cycle and I usually try to stay away from her...  *♂it’s the week before her period. For about a day or two she can say and do the craziest things and I don’t know what to do also. She now acknowledges that it is a problem (I’m not sure why it ‘only’ took 20 years or so to realise...).

What kind of birth control is she on? Some forms of BC can alleviate symptoms (I think).


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## Justadude37

I think my biggest problem is the last piece you mentioned. I have trouble understanding how to stand up for myself without losing my temper. I've tried to walk away and leave for ahwile but it seems like that doesn't get the point across that she is sometimes treating me poorly. I try different things but it seems hard to stand up for myself without losing it.


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## Justadude37

She's actually not on birth control. But I'm wondering if this actually does have something to do with her hormones. Shes seen the doctor a free times due to how crazy physically her periods can be.


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## 269370

Justadude37 said:


> She's actually not on birth control. But I'm wondering if this actually does have something to do with her hormones. Shes seen the doctor a free times due to how crazy physically her periods can be.


Yes that's why. Certain BC can actually help with hormonal mood swings. Look up PMS and especially PMDD. Sounds exactly like my wife.


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## PigglyWiggly

you have to learn (like most people) to fight TOGETHER towards a common goal. Throwing emotional grenades at each other never gets either of you to a better relationship. To have healthy arguments, it takes two people willing to swallow some pride, two people who can admit when they are wrong and most importantly (to me), two people who allow each other to be wrong and allows them to come to the correct understanding GRACEFULLY. If you both want the marriage to work, you will do these things. If one of you is unwilling, you will not have a happy marriage full of sex, love and understanding.

If emotions become too high during an argument, STOP....time out. I've had to say, "ok let's stop for a minute. I am getting pissed off and emotional. I am ready to just yell 'you are a crazy b$%%' and walk away when I know that you are intelligent, open minded and compassionate. You aren't acting that way for no reason so let me calm down and try to understand your point of view. I may not agree with it but I want to understand how and why you are feeling this way." 


Start with setting a common goal. When we are done arguing, what is the result we would LIKE to see? If you can't agree on a goal to work towards, what's the point other than to lash out and injure each other?

Good luck! It's hard to try humility and understanding when you are being berated but I have found it to be fruitful if the other person truly wants things to improve. They calm down and eventually understand that hurting you is hurting them. It takes time and effort but divorce takes even more.


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## hinterdir

You guys are making a huge mistake. You've got to have rules when you fight and always remain civil and respectful to each other. It is very HARMFUL to become disrespectful and to curse and call each other names. That's what you do with enemies. You two need to immediately call a halt on that and have disagreements at times but to still speak with respect and honor to each other. Focus and talking about how certain things make you feel vs. telling the other all the stuff they do wrong.


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## MZMEE

Well you guys have a communication problem. You have to learn how to share your issues without attacking each other. Once a discussion gets emotionally charged...you have moved from resolve to attack. Most arguments start because there is conflict about an action. Let me use a basic example:

Let's say you get mad every time your wife takes out the trash.

Instead of yelling at her or attacking her, you have to get to the point where you can express how HER ACTIONS make you FEEL and then ask how she can do things better going forward. So it would sound something like this.

"Honey on yesterday I noticed that you took the trash out. When you do this, I feel inadequate and it causes me to feel like I dont' contribute as a man. I appreciate your assertiveness. What would help is if you let me know when the trash is full and I will be glad to empty it? Will that work for you?"

Ok now of course I made up the answer but what I want you to see is I never once told her about herself "You are selfish" "You don't consider me", etc. Those are attacking words because when you tell a person about themselves they immediately go on the defense. When there is conflict you have to completely focus on HOW THE PERSON'S ACTIONS MADE YOU FEEL. They have nothing to argue about at that point because nobody can tell you about your own feelings.

Next, notice all I did was describe the action. I didn't add any additional adjectives, descriptive words or triggers. I just described the action that caused me conflict to bring the person to the place of reference. Lastly I just said what would help me and then asked if this would work for her.

I know this sounds real rigid and psychological but it is a template/guide. Arguements start because people attack. Somebody has to be the bigger person to shut up and stop. REFOCUS and get back to the issue. If it is not her, then you have to be the bigger person. Lay down your ego and get the conversaton back to resolve. No way it should take 4-5 hours to resolve an issue. She has to learn this technique too.

Look at situations from the heart and not your head. If you really love her then love her through the conflicts. If she really loves you, she needs to love you thorugh the conflicts.

Hope this helps.


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## personofinterest

These are called angry outbursts. Here is how you stop them:

You stop.

You don't need to make sure you take a stand. When it gets heated, you CHOOSE not to get angry. You say, "I need to step back until we are both calmer." Then you leave the room and stop your part of the conversation. Period.

I suggest reading here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html


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## [email protected]

personofinterest said:


> These are called angry outbursts. Here is how you stop them:
> 
> You stop.
> 
> You don't need to make sure you take a stand. When it gets heated, you CHOOSE not to get angry. You say, "I need to step back until we are both calmer." Then you leave the room and stop your part of the conversation. Period.
> 
> I suggest reading here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html


. 

I have to agree! You both need to be calm! I have not been married too long but have noticed when the issue becomes heated things are said out of frustration and anger. Your words hurt the person you love and they can’t be taken back. 
My husband and I both like some space to analyze the issue and find out what we want to say and how we would like to say it. 
Sometimes taking a little drive helps me get calm and collective. 
If you allow yourself this little break you can prepare yourself to have a discussion and avoid an argument.


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## PigglyWiggly

Start with agreeing on what would be the outcome that pleases you both.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Justadude37 said:


> I think my biggest problem is the last piece you mentioned. I have trouble understanding how to stand up for myself without losing my temper. I've tried to walk away and leave for ahwile but it seems like that doesn't get the point across that she is sometimes treating me poorly. I try different things but it seems hard to stand up for myself without losing it.


Just start by knowing you can keep from being run over without losing it.

Remember things said calmly, clearly and directly will be heard as having more emphasis than something screamed.

If she's ranting don't feel you have to interrupt even if you know what she's telling is mistaken or wrong.

Wait until she stops. That will blow her mind. 

Then have your say. If she interrupts then wait again.

This is a cycle that usually gets a realization from the other that you can remain in control. And she's the yeller.

Eventually the SO realizes they're the only one yelling.

Never call names or say something purely in spite just to get in a jab.

Stay on topic even if she gets off topic. Never get in her face in anger. Never ever hint at violence.


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## Trident

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just start by knowing you can keep from being run over without losing it.
> 
> Remember things said calmly, clearly and directly will be heard as having more emphasis than something screamed.
> 
> If she's ranting don't feel you have to interrupt even if you know what she's telling is mistaken or wrong.
> 
> Wait until she stops. That will blow her mind.
> 
> Then have your say. If she interrupts then wait again.
> 
> This is a cycle that usually gets a realization from the other that you can remain in control. And she's the yeller.
> 
> Eventually the SO realizes they're the only one yelling.
> 
> Never call names or say something purely in spite just to get in a jab.
> 
> Stay on topic even if she gets off topic. Never get in her face in anger. Never ever hint at violence.


If I had read this post while I was married I might still be married!

That would be terrible


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## happyhusband0005

The best thing I can say is when an argument begins, immediately turn on your listening skills. Force yourself to listen without planning out a response as she's talking, then think and respond calmly. Doing this controls the pace and tone of a disagreement and keeps it under control. 
Arguments tend to get out of hand when neither party is listening and you just start talking over each other which turns into yelling over each other, at that point you're not going to resolve anything. 

A lot of people focus solely on how they talk/yell during an argument instead of listening to and understanding the other. 

My wife and I have gotten so good at working out disagreements I cannot remember the last time had a real argument. Sometimes I want to start a big argument somehow just for the angry makeup sex.


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## I shouldnthave

I got to say, I understand hormones affect mood, and maybe I am unusual in that I track my cycles and check the calendar when I am feeling irritable. But I am a little offended at how many responses pointed to the woman's reproductive system as the cause of martital fights.

Fighting for 4 to 5 hours?! FOUR TO FIVE HOURS?! That isn't a sign of a hormone inbalance, that's a communication problem. That's two people who don't know when to back down or how to negotiate a compromise.

A relationship needs some essentials to survive. Respect is a big one. Its pretty hard to fight bitterly with someone you respect. If someone has any tact, self control, they do not attack someone they love and respect.

Here is the thing, when you say "mean" things to your spouse - no apology makes it go away. It's a genie you can't stuff back into the bottle. Hurtful language does real damage.

I don't know what is normal, I have only been married once, but I can tell you we have never had a four hour fight. We have never slept in separate beds due to anger. And even if we are mad and disagree, we can always embrace and tell each other "I love you". 

I think you have to ask yourself if you respect each other, and if you treat each other with respect. If not, that needs fixing because it will end your marriage.


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## 269370

I shouldnthave said:


> I got to say, I understand hormones affect mood, and maybe I am unusual in that I track my cycles and check the calendar when I am feeling irritable. But I am a little offended at how many responses pointed to the woman's reproductive system as the cause of martital fights.
> 
> 
> 
> Fighting for 4 to 5 hours?! FOUR TO FIVE HOURS?! That isn't a sign of a hormone inbalance, that's a communication problem. That's two people who don't know when to back down or how to negotiate a compromise.
> 
> 
> 
> A relationship needs some essentials to survive. Respect is a big one. Its pretty hard to fight bitterly with someone you respect. If someone has any tact, self control, they do not attack someone they love and respect.
> 
> 
> 
> Here is the thing, when you say "mean" things to your spouse - no apology makes it go away. It's a genie you can't stuff back into the bottle. Hurtful language does real damage.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know what is normal, I have only been married once, but I can tell you we have never had a four hour fight. We have never slept in separate beds due to anger. And even if we are mad and disagree, we can always embrace and tell each other "I love you".
> 
> 
> 
> I think you have to ask yourself if you respect each other, and if you treat each other with respect. If not, that needs fixing because it will end your marriage.




Yes. Stubbornness is no1 killer in a marriage.

Prime (no1 stubborn person)


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## 269370

personofinterest said:


> These are called angry outbursts. Here is how you stop them:
> 
> 
> 
> You stop.
> 
> 
> 
> You don't need to make sure you take a stand. When it gets heated, you CHOOSE not to get angry. You say, "I need to step back until we are both calmer." Then you leave the room and stop your part of the conversation. Period.
> 
> 
> 
> I suggest reading here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html




Actually I try this but it doesn’t work. She would often block the door and not let me out.
One thing I found which works is if I just hold my head with my hands, stare at the floor and count calmly to a hundred (inside).
She doesn’t let me go until she feels it is ‘solved’. 
The other thing that works more often, is if I pretend to get really angry and start forcing myself onto / into her or force her to do stuff to me. I know it sounds crazy. But I tried it once by chance (because all other options were exhausted and I suddenly thought to myself “**** it, I’m just going to **** her and try to focus on the positive and have a good time”. And it was amazing. So every once in a while, this happens and I guess it is her way to initiate sometimes.
But careful because it can also come across as domestic violence, if you get it wrong...


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## happiness27

Justadude37 said:


> I think my biggest problem is the last piece you mentioned. I have trouble understanding how to stand up for myself without losing my temper. I've tried to walk away and leave for ahwile but it seems like that doesn't get the point across that she is sometimes treating me poorly. I try different things but it seems hard to stand up for myself without losing it.


Have you read that book: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S? I read that with my husband and we both learned a lot from it. 

Let me just preface what I'm going to say with: EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

So, if I tell you what gets me into arguments, I'm sure you'll understand that this doesn't apply to your wife probably. 

I get into big fights like this with my husband when I'm horny and for some reason I'll get stuck into some negative thinking about myself. Like, "Ugh, I'm still fat" (I do an hour on the elliptical every other day and 30 minutes of weights and I'm HWP). Or, "He sat beside me on the couch through the whole movie and never even tried to touch my boobs. He must think I'm disgusting." Or, fill in the blank with some stupid other negative self-talk. 

I then, think, well, I'll talk to him. 

So, I say something to him about "Hey, we haven't had sex in a few days. What's up with that?" 

His response, quite often is to then rehash the history of the last few days and defend himself.

Which drives me NUTS. 

I don't want him to defend himself. 

I want him to say "Yeah, I've been biding my time to suck on those beautiful nipples which ought to be nice and hard by now." You know, just pop me out of myself and my idiotic thinking.

I finally told him the other night in a calm neutral conversation that I think I have a bit of a twisted up thinking about sex where I want him to be a bit more forceful - more forward. It's just a quirk about what turns me on. 

So, he was like, "I can do that." and he got in the shower with me and got pleasantly dominant, then took me out of there dripping wet and stayed intense for another 20 minutes - which was totally hot and what I wanted. 

When I share what works for my husband and I about keeping conversations going, I'm telling people what works for us. Not every conversation is perfect and fruitful - and believe me I totally get you about the drawn out hours-long arguments that go 'round and 'round and seem to go nowhere. 

My perception of why they go nowhere is that my husband defends himself instead of listening to me - and saying to himself "This is my woman and I know her and I get her and I'm going to know her and get her even more every day." I want my husband to feel like he totally gets who I am and what's up with me, like he's the main person in the world who understands me. I want him to feel secure in that role.

When my husband defends instead of listening, I feel like he doesn't ever say what would relieve the disagreement - like ME: "I want you to cuddle with me in the morning for a little bit instead of jumping out of bed and making coffee right away." HIS DEFENSIVE REPLY: "I DID that (last week) or "I didn't want to wake you." argument ensues where he cites numerous reasons why he already does or doesn't do that or how he has made a story in his head that if he does that, I might NOT like it because once, in 1998, I got mad cause he woke me up one morning. 

WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR: "Ah...so you want me to wrap my arms around you for a little while until you wake up?" 

MY REACTION: "YES. YES, I DO." (relief. He heard me.) "I'm pouting because I'm horny."

HIS REACTION: !!!!!!!! Let's go back to bed...

MY REACTION: "Now I'm embarrassed..."

HIS REACTION: "Why?"

MY REACTION: "Because I'm asking for sex."

HIS REACTION: "Oh, believe me, I'm all for that."

No argument. 

Keep talking and be proud that you both know each other better than anyone else because of that continuing talking. 

But see if you guys would like to try out the no-defense style of talking and listening. I do feel for ya. We get in that cycle, too, and breaking out of it has been a number one priority.


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## happiness27

inmyprime said:


> Actually I try this but it doesn’t work. She would often block the door and not let me out.
> One thing I found which works is if I just hold my head with my hands, stare at the floor and count calmly to a hundred (inside).
> She doesn’t let me go until she feels it is ‘solved’.
> The other thing that works more often, is if I pretend to get really angry and start forcing myself onto / into her or force her to do stuff to me. I know it sounds crazy. But I tried it once by chance (because all other options were exhausted and I suddenly thought to myself “**** it, I’m just going to **** her and try to focus on the positive and have a good time”. And it was amazing. So every once in a while, this happens and I guess it is her way to initiate sometimes.
> But careful because it can also come across as domestic violence, if you get it wrong...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Somewhere I read that anger is an excitement mode of the brain which is closely linked with the sexual center - so, yeah, proceed with caution but there have been times pretty often, actually, when my husband just stops in the middle of an argument and says "I really want to F you right now" - and he's not angry with me but the round and round going-nowhere argument is just because we are both horny and the argument created an arousal that was more interesting than the dumb argument.


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## 269370

happiness27 said:


> Somewhere I read that anger is an excitement mode of the brain which is closely linked with the sexual center - so, yeah, proceed with caution but there have been times pretty often, actually, when my husband just stops in the middle of an argument and says "I really want to F you right now" - and he's not angry with me but the round and round going-nowhere argument is just because we are both horny and the argument created an arousal that was more interesting than the dumb argument.




Yes same here. Except I’m not sure she would like the announcement itself. But it doesn’t have to be angry ****ing; ‘anger’ just gives the whole thing a bit more drive / direction.


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## happiness27

inmyprime said:


> Yes same here. Except I’m not sure she would like the announcement itself. But it doesn’t have to be angry ****ing; ‘anger’ just gives the whole thing a bit more drive / direction.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


LOL - I get you. I'm sure my husband thought to himself that he was just gonna just throw that sentence up against the wall and see if it stuck, just out of sheer frustration. I probably stomped off fighting a big grin on my face. But I'm sure we went at it shortly afterwards. 

You're right, it's not angry f-ing - but it does drive up the level and tamps down whatever bone-headed thing we were talking about to a level where we are in a better mood to listen to each other.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Trident said:


> If I had read this post while I was married I might still be married!
> 
> That would be terrible


Are you the yeller, or hint at domestic violence person?


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## x598

personofinterest said:


> These are called angry outbursts. Here is how you stop them:
> 
> You stop.
> 
> You don't need to make sure you take a stand. When it gets heated, you CHOOSE not to get angry. You say, "I need to step back until we are both calmer." Then you leave the room and stop your part of the conversation. Period.
> 
> I suggest reading here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html


been there done that. an X I dated, I tired that approach...." I am going to walk away, not engage, blah blah blah" that's when the dishes started flying, the tantrum ratcheted up to a whole new level, pouring soap in the carpet and worse.

sometimes the answer is get that toxic wacko out of your life.

anything else is just enabling that behavior


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## In2thewoods

I feel ya Dude. I'm in the same spot, though I've been married almost 18 years and the big fights these days are more like every month or 2 instead of weekly. I'm the wife, and I'm able to calm down mid-fight, my husband is not. All I can say is, keep working at a solution and making new fight habits or you (or she) may end up like me-- totally sexually uninterested in someone to whom it is not safe to express myself.


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## Trident

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you the yeller, or hint at domestic violence person?


I did my share of yelling, mostly from a defensive position.

As to am a hint at domestic violence person, I have no clue what that means.


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## SunCMars

hinterdir said:


> You guys are making a huge mistake. You've got to have rules when you fight and always remain civil and respectful to each other. It is very HARMFUL to become disrespectful and to curse and call each other names. That's what you do with enemies. You two need to immediately call a halt on that and have disagreements at times but to still speak with respect and honor to each other. Focus and talking about how certain things make you feel vs. telling the other all the stuff they do wrong.


Yes, but...

Sour butter.

If she is reasonable, if she wants this. 

It takes two.

And if it has not gone on too long. If she has done this for years, it will a habit hard to break.

I suggest taking the advice by hinterdir.

If all else does not work, tell her the consequences of her outbursts will be 'very' unpleasant.
And make then so.

Being a nice guy never works....
I know.


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## happiness27

Search for and read: "The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage." An absolute required reading for couples who want to shoehorn themselves out of insidious, stupid fights so they can communicate effectively and get back to the fun, loving stuff.


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## 482

I can totally relate to this dynamic. This is the biggest problem in our relationship. But my situation can get much worse than 4-5 hours. We can fight for days. Lately I have been trying to just remain calm and see if we can talk through what’s going on. She seems to get angry and want to fight or shutdown. I am quickly losing interest in arguing or dealing with her being cold and nasty. I am hoping to figure out how me and her can end disagreements and move on faster. I would like to just discuss things openly with her. Seems she has a very hard time doing that. I need to come up with a better strategy and I got a lot of great ideas reading this post. Good luck I know it’s tough.


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## 269370

482 said:


> I can totally relate to this dynamic. This is the biggest problem in our relationship. But my situation can get much worse than 4-5 hours. We can fight for days. Lately I have been trying to just remain calm and see if we can talk through what’s going on. She seems to get angry and want to fight or shutdown. I am quickly losing interest in arguing or dealing with her being cold and nasty. I am hoping to figure out how me and her can end disagreements and move on faster. I would like to just discuss things openly with her. Seems she has a very hard time doing that. I need to come up with a better strategy and I got a lot of great ideas reading this post. Good luck I know it’s tough.



Often there isn’t a better strategy. If you defend yourself, she might get colder and nastier and it will just drag on for longer.
And if you accept blame, she may just keep dumping more stuff onto you and emasculate you more. I always say not to partner up with someone who has these qualities...Leave them to the next guy. You can usually tell by how they become once you have a fight: if they turn into a monster and won’t let go or give in at all and need to be right about everything and have the last word all the time: you might be in for emotional abuse and your life will be hell. 
Sorry I know it doesn’t help.




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## *Deidre*

Periods do suck sometimes, but it's not an excuse to lash out and say hurtful things every month. (if that is the problem, in your marriage)

Hopefully, you both can find something that helps the situation, and the fights lessen. Fights are normal, but spewing nasty things to each other every couple of weeks, isn't.


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## stefanjames

I suggest that if you fight again, if it happen again,in that times all I need to do is to become a proactive rather than being a reactive .Because in that way I attract him the way I interpret it.Its not how we experience the problems and the fights it's all about the understanding to each other and taking action to fix that. 
To regain love ,sometimes we have to act and do our best to rebuild it if he's worth to fight for and if not then move on and find another partner .If the fight continues even you give all your best and effort maybe His Secret Obsession to you starts to fade away. 
And if that happens,DONT spend the rest of your life in that kind of person that didn't treat you the right way.You deserve a person that WORTH LOVING for.


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## NicoleT43

Im sorry about your trouble. My husband and I finally broke up last week for this exact same reason. I havent finished my story yet I'm still formulating it as I really want to grow through this, but after 15 years I'm moving out (again but with purpose) on the weekend. I've taken a lease for 6 months. I want, need to work on myself. Sorry for the hijack. Your story struck a chord. I hope you guys find a way through. God bless you.


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## MattMatt

Zombie Kitten is closing the thread in 3... 2... 1...


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