# What does it mean to "be compassionate and take care of yourself"?



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Struggles in the marriage stem primarily from my wife's money anxiety. Not just my opinion, the wife says so, too, but she also says "it's not anxiety, it's a healthy desire for security". Financial advisor says "you have it made, you could have quit working ten years ago", mostly due to being frugal, partly due to having decent income, no kids, and having done that for 40 years.

We see a counselor together and one-on-one. Counselor has said to both of us that while it's good we're trying to make things work out between us, each of us needs to "be compassionate with yourself and take care of yourself".

I think this is mostly emotional...but what does it mean? Counselor suggested, to me, meditation and mindfulness. After some discussion of my normal activities, she said "oh, you're doing that already" and then said "but be compassionate and take care of yourself".

Maybe it's dirt-simple obvious, but I'm not grasping it....


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Not understanding what your wife is so worried about... if you have a good steady income.. could have retired 10 yrs ago due to your frugal-ness.. why does she still have anxiety here .. what amount of savings would satisfy her...

Maybe your counselor acknowledges you have done "all you possibly can" , living as best you can to satisfy her worries.. yet still.. she is anxiety ridden (it's her issue)..it's out of your hands.. so Please.. just take care of yourself.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Some people worry needlessly. Sometimes to a fault. My sister is one of them. The worry is something your W will need to handle. In the meantime take care of yourself.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you're in a place where alot of people wish they were...including myself! My wife has the opposite problem. 

As far a seeing counselors, my advise is always the same, it's never worthwhile. When they start throwing around bull**** statements like this you know it's time to stop seeing them.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Next time you see her/him, ask. 

Also, any time you don't understand something the counselor says, ask. Make them explain until you do. You are paying them for their services and they are there to help you.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Some people worry needlessly. Sometimes to a fault. My sister is one of them. The worry is something your W will need to handle. In the meantime take care of yourself.


And what do you mean when you say "take care of yourself"? That's my puzzle.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Next time you see her/him, ask.
> 
> Also, any time you don't understand something the counselor says, ask. Make them explain until you do. You are paying them for their services and they are there to help you.


I have done so. She replies with a list of authors she likes who "cover the subject well" and sometimes says "If you think about it, I'm sure you'll figure it out." She's a voracious reader and I used to be...which means I come across as someone who probably still does...but I am not making time for it for a while, so I can close out a bunch of projects.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> I have done so. She replies with a list of authors she likes who "cover the subject well" and sometimes says "If you think about it, I'm sure you'll figure it out." She's a voracious reader and I used to be...which means I come across as someone who probably still does...but I am not making time for it for a while, so I can close out a bunch of projects.


It's not unusual to go through several counselors before you find one that is right for you.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> It's not unusual to go through several counselors before you find one that is right for you.


I believe this one is right for me. She is spiritual, not religious, as I am, fully enlightened, not addicted to any one school of psychological thought, clearly separates evidence from beliefs, recognizes emotions as a result of us attaching ourselves to desired outcomes and believes you can detach...a lot is right. She's spent every one of her 40 years as an adult learning one or another new school of thought...right up there nearly a philosopher.

I have seen plenty of counselors, and this one outshines all others. No canned or pat answers for the most part.

I think, in this case, she's trying to recognize that time in session is too brief, and she knows I'm capable of coming to forums like this and asking these questions, so she and I can focus on things that can't be obtained from forums.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Tell her "you're not paying her to be the Riddler, just tell you what she means." 
My guess is : don't get yourself to bent over your wife's issues that you can't do anything about, and she just wants to say it in a Shrinky way.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@DustyDog, when I tell someone to be "compassionate and take care of themselves", I am saying to them not to judge themselves too harshly and to be good to themselves. 

Because we judge our actions whether it be pass or present, very harshly and we can be so critical of ourselves. So be kind to yourself and don't put yourself down.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think it means your wife is going to worry and stress out no matter what, so be compassionate* toward her* (try to understand that she is a person with anxieties so don't get bent out of shape or argue or try to get her to see things your way when she starts stressing out), and take care of yourself (don't take on her stress and anxiety; let it roll off your back).


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I think "take care of yourself" is a little bigger.

Are you familiar with the concept of "detachment"? This is the ability to see yourself having emotions, but not owning them...it's as if you are observing yourself being angry, but since you are the observer, and not the person experiencing the anger, you don't have to respond. I'm not perfect in this detachment ability, but I had to develop it in my teens due to being raised by a mother who "got her way" by getting angry...with the kids and with dad, she had no social life. 

Thanks to the counselor, I realized that although I did this pretty well with immediate feelings, I wasn't doing so well with follow-up. Ex: Wife has stress about money, expresses it to me. I say that can't feel good, sorry you're feeling that, can you think of anything that will help? She would say "please use the software to run a report on xxxxx." That's where I'd screw up - I'd agree to do it. Her anxiety, therefore her work. She enters all the data, and good heavens, does she enter a lot, reports take a long time to run and because she's not following standard accounting methods, the reports are all wrong - so I end up moving things from category to category and... well it becomes 10 hours of work...which I was doing for her. So, when I present the report and it's not satisfactory to her (because she had not explained what she wanted in enough detail for me to do it exactly that way), I get angry...and am not simply observing.

So, all I needed was for the counselor to point that out, and I recognized the value in the observation...and now, if W wants me to "run a report", I explain, politely, that to date, I have not really been able to understand her requests in enough detail to provide what she needs. "You do the data entry, you know what information you want, so I think you have far more capability than I do to run that report in far less time than I would. This will leave me free to work on xxxx" where xxxx is some project she wants done.

Since the counselor has basically said that it's amazing we are still together, given, apparently, nothing in common, I (she said this to me in a private session) should have a Plan B - how will I live without W, once the D happens.

So, somehow I think this is about "getting a life", something I've never been very good at, but I"m not sure.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> @DustyDog, when I tell someone to be "compassionate and take care of themselves", I am saying to them not to judge themselves too harshly and to be good to themselves.
> 
> Because we judge our actions whether it be pass or present, very harshly and we can be so critical of ourselves. So be kind to yourself and don't put yourself down.


I was fortunate, in my 20s, to have my assumptions fixed. There was a woman at work that everybody hated. She ran a review board every Wednesday, and every change order submitted stopped right there and she kicked it back. Nobody could get a change request past her the first try. I fell into that camp of folks saying she was at fault. A judgement.

Then I thought...wait...what if I believe it's my fault? That means I'd have the power to change it. So, next change order I wantd to write, I went to her office, showed it to her, and asked if it would pass. "No" she said. "It's missing a signature from these four departments and you need to add a plan for stock sweeping". I walked the paper around, got four signatures, added a plan, and went back to her, same afternoon. She said "I'll approve that right now if you wish." I said how about we just do it on Wednesday. That Wednesday, my document came up and she just read it and said "approved". Everybody else in the room was stunned, asked me later how I did it, I told them and within a few weeks, she wasn't at fault for anything.

It took me very little time to realize that fault, blame and putting down, have no useful function.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think your counselor realizes you have all your ducks in a row but are struggling with accepting your place in life partially because of your wife's worries. The counselor wants you to focus on yourself, to treat yourself well, to enjoy the fruits of your labors, to find happiness and enjoy what you have achieved. I think she is pointing out you and your wife are individuals, while it's great you two try to always work as married team that isn't always necessary and can't always be done, especially when ones issue is negatively affect the others.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@DustyDog, you want to learn more about detachment, study the following work.

https://www.amazon.com/Bhagavad-Git...8&qid=1469012206&sr=1-5&keywords=bhagwat+gita


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> @DustyDog, you want to learn more about detachment, study the following work.
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/Bhagavad-Git...8&qid=1469012206&sr=1-5&keywords=bhagwat+gita


Wish I had time to study. I barely have time to read, and am thankful for so many audio versions of Fr. de Mello's work on Awareness, Detachment and Enlightenment.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

DustyDog said:


> I have done so. She replies with a list of authors she likes who "cover the subject well" and sometimes says "If you think about it, I'm sure you'll figure it out." She's a voracious reader and I used to be...which means I come across as someone who probably still does...but I am not making time for it for a while, so I can close out a bunch of projects.


OMG My husband had a Dr. (neurologist) who would give vague advice then when he asked questions she'd always say "You'll find your way." 

He loved her for other help she gave him but that became one of our pet lines with each other - you'll find your way.

Anyhooo... "Be compassionate and take care of yourself."

Be compassionate, I'm not sure if she means to yourself or to your wife. Assuming she means to yourself, I think it means to cut yourself some slack. Your wife is anxious but that does not mean you have to be a workaholic for her. You've worked and saved for years and you're financially secure regardless of your wife's emotions. 

Let yourself relax. Don't get down on yourself if you have some flaws. Don't ruminate and beat yourself up over mistakes you've made. Judge yourself with the same compassion you'd use for a friend or loved one.

Same for your wife. She's anxious. Be compassionate to her. Understand that even though you don't agree with her anxiety, she is a human being that you love who is in perpetual distress. Reassure her lovingly rather than throwing logic arguments at her as to why she should not feel the way she feels. (And ask the Dr. for some meds for her, LOL!)

I have bad anxiety as a passenger in a car due to multiple accidents I've been in as a passenger. Sometimes I gasp in extremely dangerous situations. You know, like when I see brake lights 25 yards ahead, or a curve in the road... 

When my husband takes it personally and starts arguing with me about how I am the hazard and he's a good driver and to just close my eyes, all I do is feel more vulnerable and out of control - and a definite hatred toward him for not giving a crap that I'm anxious, even though it is irrational. But when he sweetly reassures me by saying something like "I see it, it's all good." or actually slows down a little, I feel so much better.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: I think this means to let yourself relax, take time to eat well, exercise, sleep enough, have recreational time, meditate, etc. You have an anxious wife, you need to also take care of yourself so you have the energy, stamina, and mindset to be there for her. If you start sacrificing everything you want to cater to her anxiety, you will resent her and the problem will get worse.

Actually - how in the hell would I know what she means? Tell her you don't speak psychobabble and you need explicit instructions!


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

DustyDog said:


> Wish I had time to study. I barely have time to read, and am thankful for so many audio versions of Fr. de Mello's work on Awareness, Detachment and Enlightenment.


It's on audio too. I love audio books, I get to listen to so many wonderful authors while doing other things. Keeps my brain stimulating.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> It's on audio too. I love audio books, I get to listen to so many wonderful authors while doing other things. Keeps my brain stimulating.


Cool. Found it in parts on YouTube. Gonna go organize the barn while listening. Thanks!!!!


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Anyhooo... "Be compassionate and take care of yourself."
> 
> Be compassionate, I'm not sure if she means to yourself or to your wife. Assuming she means to yourself, I think it means to cut yourself some slack. Your wife is anxious but that does not mean you have to be a workaholic for her. You've worked and saved for years and you're financially secure regardless of your wife's emotions.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. For the compassion, it's important that you treat yourself with compassion just as you would with others. Are you a compassionate person? If not, then maybe you should try forgiving more, judging less? Then do the same for yourself. 

As for taking care of yourself-you do things that make you feel good, and improve your physical and mental health. Have hobbies that YOU enjoy, have your own friends that you spend time with, try making better food choices when you can, exercise, tune into what makes you feel good and then act on them (such as listening to music, reading a good book or magazine, walking the dog). 

This is all part of detaching. Do not allow someone else's emotions control YOUR emotions. Do no revolve your life around someone else.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I agree with this. For the compassion, it's important that you treat yourself with compassion just as you would with others. Are you a compassionate person? If not, then maybe you should try forgiving more, judging less? Then do the same for yourself.
> 
> As for taking care of yourself-you do things that make you feel good, and improve your physical and mental health. Have hobbies that YOU enjoy, have your own friends that you spend time with, try making better food choices when you can, exercise, tune into what makes you feel good and then act on them (such as listening to music, reading a good book or magazine, walking the dog).
> 
> This is all part of detaching. Do not allow someone else's emotions control YOUR emotions. Do no revolve your life around someone else.


Wow. Awesome summary!!! Thank you!!!


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I agree with this. For the compassion, it's important that you treat yourself with compassion just as you would with others. Are you a compassionate person? If not, then maybe you should try forgiving more, judging less? Then do the same for yourself.
> 
> As for taking care of yourself-you do things that make you feel good, and improve your physical and mental health. Have hobbies that YOU enjoy, have your own friends that you spend time with, try making better food choices when you can, exercise, tune into what makes you feel good and then act on them (such as listening to music, reading a good book or magazine, walking the dog).
> 
> This is all part of detaching. Do not allow someone else's emotions control YOUR emotions. Do no revolve your life around someone else.


And if he is able to detatch more and not have his emotions tied to his wife's (assuming they are) he may come across as more steady/stable - her port in the storm, if you will - and that may actually end up helping his wife's anxiety.

With that said - I'd say "detatch" but don't "dismiss" - if someone is anxious and the other person laughs off their fears, that is just going to up their anxiety.


----------

