# Can't perform during sex because of wife's weight



## ACPO Obrien (Jul 23, 2009)

Me and my wife have been together for four years, I am 25 and she is 23. We recently celebrated our four year anniversary. I love my wife completely and could not do without her. We are basically a storybook couple, we fought all odds to be together. I was a Marine when we met and she was the daughter of one of the highest ranking elders in her society/culture (she is asian), vinegar and oil from the start. However, we loved each other deeply and fought for what we wanted up to losing my family and almost losing hers. Thankfully her family has seen that we are good for each other and that their ideas of me were wrong, mine not so much.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, mainly due to cultural issues but we have overcome every obstacle together and it's only made us stronger. Recently, I've encountered a problem I can't overcome without her help and I don't know what to do. I can't perform or rather I can't finish during sex because I'm so unattracted to my wife's body. My wife is almost 200lbs, that's 90lbs more than she was when we first met four years ago. The weight isn't due to having children, or any medical reason, it's from eating too much, exercising to little and a sprinkle of stress from family and work here and there. It started two years ago and has climaxed recently. I'm very loving and caring, at first I didn't say anything because of the issues I knew we were both facing. But once the stress in our life went away the reason for her not losing weight came down to her not exercising and not eating right. I've tried helping her, I've bought dvd's, exercise equipment, diet plans and even try working out with her to no avail. When she was skinny we worked out together a lot. I've even described my problems to her and she understands what's going on but she still doesn't try to lose the weight. 

Since my problems started 6 months ago she's exercised twice, and gave up half way through both times. I've begged, pleaded and on occasion talked down to her (as a last resort and I'm not proud of it) and nothing works. She says things like I'm pressuring her and that she never had to exercise before to lose the weight so why should she now. I don't know what to do? I feel bad some days because the only way I can perform is to close my eyes and in-vision her the way she was. Ever since I asked her to exercise I've started exercising every day hoping it was something we could do together but she makes excuses. Any idea's or suggestions would greatly be appreciated. I'm at my wits end. Thank you in advance.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Okay first off, youre messing up by buggin your wife by the way she looks. It shouldnt matter what your wife looks like, people are gonna change over the years, you should love her no matter what she looks like. I think your an ass for havin to close your eyes and picture her differently. If shes confortable the way she looks then leave her alone..let her decide if she wants to lose it or not, dont keep pressuren her to do somethin shes not ready to do, or doesnt want to do, just leave her alone, otherwise you might end up losen her.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

if you are so set on having her weight being dropped. first question is, are you still in the MC..if so, you might be in luck cause i know that Tri-care will pay for a lapband surgery. my wife will be getting it soon. also, get her to do things with you. most women will not workout in public or really just infront of other people at all if they feel they are too big. cause society has labeled every one that if you are fat, you are ugly, and thats BS. also, you might want to try and see if you can ween her off certain things, say maybe soda, or what ever her diet is...maybe not totally off but not as much. when i dropped 93 pounds to get in the military i still ate what i wanted, just not alot.....


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## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> Okay first off, youre messing up by buggin your wife by the way she looks. It shouldnt matter what your wife looks like, people are gonna change over the years, you should love her no matter what she looks like. I think your an ass for havin to close your eyes and picture her differently. If shes confortable the way she looks then leave her alone..let her decide if she wants to lose it or not, dont keep pressuren her to do somethin shes not ready to do, or doesnt want to do, just leave her alone, otherwise you might end up losen her.


Surely you jest. Looks DO matter. He may be going about this all wrong and not taking her feelings into account sometimes (which he openly admits), but she's clearly not taking his feelings into account either. If a wife or husband doesn't care about themselves, why would they expect their spouse to. Yes, people change, we all do. And when most of us meet the love of our life, we gain some weight because we've finally become truly comfortable with someone. That's expected. But that's not what he's describing. 110 lbs to 200 lbs in four years? The only spouse who wouldn't take that as a slap in the face are the ones who don't really care. 

Sorry Marine, I don't have any advice for you, just want you to know you're not wrong for caring.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

kozzy said:


> Surely you jest. Looks DO matter. He may be going about this all wrong and not taking her feelings into account sometimes (which he openly admits), but she's clearly not taking his feelings into account either. If a wife or husband doesn't care about themselves, why would they expect their spouse to. Yes, people change, we all do. And when most of us meet the love of our life, we gain some weight because we've finally become truly comfortable with someone. That's expected. But that's not what he's describing. 110 lbs to 200 lbs in four years? The only spouse who wouldn't take that as a slap in the face are the ones who don't really care.
> 
> Sorry Marine, I don't have any advice for you, just want you to know you're not wrong for caring.



I would agree with this. People change over time, I agree, but this type of a drastic change would be hard for me too. In a matter of a few years, your wife would be nothing like she used to be. 

And I am willing to bet that the looks are the reminder, but it's not all that's wrong. Someone that just up and gains that much weight in that short of a period of time, probably has shown issues in other parts of the relationship. She is probably not as active as she was. She might not work as much or do as much around the house. Her energy overall has probably declined. She might be self conscience and not want to do things they used to. 

Basically, that's a significant gain in a short period of time. There are probably a LOT of things this effects other than just his physical attraction, and there might be a LOT of other issues that might have contributed to the weight gain that also strain the relationship.

I don't know if you are going about it the right way, but to say that it shouldn't be an issue at all is a little short-sighted IMHO>


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> Okay first off, youre messing up by buggin your wife by the way she looks. It shouldnt matter what your wife looks like, people are gonna change over the years, you should love her no matter what she looks like. I think your an ass for havin to close your eyes and picture her differently. If shes confortable the way she looks then leave her alone..let her decide if she wants to lose it or not, dont keep pressuren her to do somethin shes not ready to do, or doesnt want to do, just leave her alone, otherwise you might end up losen her.


Sorry, but I love my wife with all my heart, but when it comes to the sex department, I would have the same issues this man is having if my wife was that big (200 lbs).

My wife has, understandably, put on some weight over the 9.5 years. She has had 3 kids, and 5 abdominal surgeries (3 C-sections, gall bladder removal, tubal ligation). She now is about 35-40 lbs heavier than she was when we got married. However, in her current state I find her just as "hot" as ever. However, if she put on another 40-50 lbs and got up to 200+, I really thinK I would have an "attractiveness" issue when it comes to the bedroom.

Who knows, she has never been that big, maybe my love would overpower my eyesight and I'd still be attracted to her sexually.

My wife and I are both working on ourselves health wise, I have lost 20lbs this year, she has lost 15.

As for the OP, I have no idea other than tell her how you are feeling sexually. You are doing some of the right things like working out yourself first, etc.

Hey, at least you are not closing your eyes and thinking of someone else, you are just picturing her from when you first got married.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Okay... This post really bugs me, Im a big person.. big boned rather, but still, some people cant help their weight.. some people cant help how they loook, and im sorry, but looks DONT matter, what counts is on the inside, and I know from experience, the more you down someone about their weight, the more theyre gonna eat and not wanna exercise. You should love your wife they way she is and just support her.. I think its dumb to down talk people about their size.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> Okay... This post really bugs me, Im a big person.. big boned rather, but still, some people cant help their weight.. some people cant help how they loook, and im sorry, but looks DONT matter, what counts is on the inside, and I know from experience, the more you down someone about their weight, the more theyre gonna eat and not wanna exercise. You should love your wife they way she is and just support her.. I think its dumb to down talk people about their size.


What you need to realize is that it isn't just about size, end of story. It's about the drastic change she has gone through. That much change that fast, of any type, weight or otherwise, WILL effect a relationship. 

With weight, it becomes a hot button. But just as some people are attracted to tall or short, blond or brunette, outgoing or shy, etc. etc. etc. If you married one and then suddenly have another, it will effect your relationship.

I don't find tall woman attractive. It's not a knock on them, I just don't. My wife is 5'3". If after just a few years, she was 6'7" tall, that would be a problem, and I'm guessing it would effect how attracted I was to her....

And this may sound shallow as well... but all people change over time. It happens, and I'm fine with that. I'm heavier than when my wife and I first met. I was a lot heavier, but lost 45 pounds. My wife even got heavier. But nothing this drastic. She may have an actual problem of some type, but it almost sounds as if this drastic of a change is a "I'm married, I don't give a crap anymore" kind of attitude. And I don't find that attractive at all.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

You need to be supportive of her regardless- it can't be healthy to gain 90lbs in 4 years, but there's probably a reason for it. Some people gain weight when they are sad, happy, comfortable... I gained some weight after my ex did all the dumb things he did during our marriage because I was unhappy, but now that I'm happy I've lost most of what I gained... so that's how I work, but you need to support her the way she is now- she will be sad and depressed if you are always bugging her about her weight even if you are trying to be helpful... she feels unwanted by you sexually and that doesn't give her any motivation to get back in shape. Do your best to make her feel good about herself and sexy and she will probably want to get back in shape for herself... she can't do it for you... she has to want it.


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## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

Attractiveness is not unconditional. You can claim you're 100% attracted to your spouse all the time because you have a piece of paper that says "better or worse" on it, and that may make you feel good about yourself, but is it really true? Suppose this person stopped taking bathes? Should he still support her in her filth? What if she started smoking crack and her teeth fell out? At what point is it okay to admit he's finding his wife less attractive without being labeled shallow? Again we're not talking about someone who's big boned, or tall, or struggling with some weight gain, we're talking about someone who's doubled in size in 4 years, presumeably because she just doesn't care. Whatever your spouse weighs today, imagine him/her double their weight. That would have no effect on your view of them?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> Okay... This post really bugs me, Im a big person.. big boned rather, but still, some people cant help their weight.. some people cant help how they loook, and im sorry, but looks DONT matter, what counts is on the inside, and I know from experience, the more you down someone about their weight, the more theyre gonna eat and not wanna exercise. You should love your wife they way she is and just support her.. I think its dumb to down talk people about their size.


I'm sorry amberlynn, but to a majority of guys, looks DO matter. You, as a woman can try to state that they don't, but that's not a fact.

Now, its one thing if you married someone who was overweight and then later complained, no doubt about that. However, when someone gains 75+ lbs in 2 years and no kids, major surgeries, or major medical problems are the reason, I'm sorry, but there is a legitimate concern there.

Do some people have legitimate medical issues that make it very hard for them to lose weight? Absolutely.

Do most people who claim these issues actually have these issues? No, they are using them as an excuse.

You are talking to someone who isn't the smallest person in the world, I am a 5'8" guy that weighs 185 lbs, BMI says I'm overweight.

I will tell you this though, there is no such thing as "big boned", within medical reason (aka things like osteoporosis, etc) people who are of the same gender and same height have about the same size bones. 

I'm not singling you out at all, I know nothing about your medical history, as there are people out there with legitimate thryoid issues that have to work 10x as hard as the rest of us normal people to lose weight.

However, about 95% of overweight people do not have these issues, some just use them as cop-outs/excuses. 

If "big boned" was a real thing, them somehow America got a much higher % of the "big bone gene" than the rest of the world..its either that or we just eat too much fast food.

You "bones" are no bigger than any other woman your height, just like mine aren't any bigger than a guy my height that weights the "prototypical" 160 lbs (according to BMI for my height).

At the beginning of this year I was at 205 lbs for a 5'8" male, and have since dropped 20 lbs, I'm looking to drop another 10-15 and stop there at 170-175. 

I just got off my couch, started working out, and ate a little better (still don't eat great).


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I can understand where the OP is coming from. He is not saying he is not in LOVE with her, he's saying that the weight she has put on has made it difficult for him to have sex with her. I get that. If my H's weight doubled in that amount of time, I do NOT know that I would be able to enjoy having sex with him. I love him for what's inside but I ALSO love the wrapping that comes with it. If that makes me shallow, so be it. 
If she is from another country originally, her diet since she has been in the states may have DRASTICALLY changed, and where she never had to exercise before, she will likely need to in order to lose it. I never had to exercise in my early years, but 2 kids later...there are about 15 pounds I would like to finish losing...and I cannot do that without exercise....which, once you start doing it, is actually fun. 
Badgering her about it though, will become nothing but a power struggle, and drive them farther apart. If she is unwilling to exercise, is she willing to modify her diet? I'm betting she feels overwhelmed by the prospect of even begginning the process, and im betting she does not feel very sexy herself now.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Definitely not normal weight gain.

In fact, I'd have a very hard time believing it was only due to eating and lack of exercise.

But, OP, in trying to help, you are being a bit too forceful. "You're too big now, I can't have sex with you" is entirely the wrong approach. It makes her feel pressured, and guilty, and un-sexy, and every other bad thing that she can. If there was any way to make the problem worse, I think you've found it.

Here's the thing, IMHO. If there is a sex problem the problem is yours, not hers.

BUT...gaining 90lbs so quickly is a health problem for her. When has she last been to her gyno? Have medical reasons been ruled out? Mental illness ruled out (e.g. eating to cope with depression)? Other eating disorders ruled out? You say no medical problems, but has that been confirmed with her doctors? Or just because she hasn't "been sick"?

She could be feeling awful about herself, and overwhelmed. She could be scared about the weight change. She could feel like she doesn't know how to even start. She could really not see it as a problem.

But I would worry more about her general health and wellbeing, and approach it from that angle. Than to worry about the sex.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Physical attraction is important, but theres a certain way to approach it... if you tell someone they are fat, chances are that won't give them a great boost of energy to go work out. It does sound like you have tried to be very gentle about the subject. There could be a medical reason or even if there's not a medical reason- if she goes to her doctor and tells them that she's gained 90lbs in 4 years... they are going to try and help her lose it and make sure there isn't any other issues going on. I doubt she likes the fact she's gained so much weight... so you just have to figure out the best way to help her


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I can't feel sexy when I am overweight. I don't think my dh is sexy when he is overweight. Overweight turns me off, because it isn't healthy.

I am rather into health. I don't want some fat guy trying to have sex with me, sweating and out of breath. Men's penises tend to seem smaller when a man gets a big belly, is that just my imagination or is it like trying to compare the moon to Jupiter rather than Earth?

I am with the Marine. 

If MY dh gained 90 pounds I'd have a hard time desiring him, no matter how nice he was "inside".

Maybe she is a turn off because _she doesn't care about herself_? I tend to think excessively overweight persons don't care about their own selves, the fat proves that, that is sad to me.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yes, people tend to gain weight with marriage but it should be because of aging, and metabolic slow down, NOT relaxing because you got your "guy" or "gal". 

Look great until you catch them, then pork up? NOT.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> I tend to think excessively overweight persons don't care about their own selves, the fat proves that, that is sad to me.


Im sorry you feel this way. Im an over weight person and I for one care very much about myself, but losen weight isnt as easy as you people may think. It takes alot of time and havin someone talk down about you and make you feel horrible about yourself doesnt help the matter. Its not right to single out big people. I think what it is, skinny people are just jealous that big people have more to love. Being skinny isnt healthy either. Maybe you should think about that. Being big runs in my family and it also runs in my husbands family, but i guess its because we all sit around on our fat asses and eat all day huh.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, if I don't watch every bite that _I_ consume, _I _gain weight. I go work out nearly every single day. 

I am big boned, too. I've lost weight after FOUR pregnancies. It takes me six months to a year to lose all the weight I gain when I am pregnant (50-70lbs each child). Do you think it just falls off Amberlyn?? HECK NO, I *work* at it for MONTHS to get it down and then I work at it to keep it there.

Nearly EVERY human being is made to GAIN weight; every human has to watch it, not just you.

_People_ don't _MAKE_ you feel bad about yourself and make you gain weight, Amberlyn, you LET it happen, you give up your POWER to others by letting stupid people get into your head and make you feel put down! Consider the source, and then move on!

My dh says I looked FINE, when I was 40 pounds overweight a year ago (I tend to moderate and deal with STRESS by EATING, Amberlynn, I have my issues with eating, like MANY people...) No one made me fat, just ME bending my elbow too much and not MOVING enough. 

(It is just like dcrim on here with his smoking issues, HE does not blame other people for his inability to stop sticking that cancer stick in his mouth...he owns up, he doesn't say "I smoke because non-smokers put me down, so I feel bad, then I smoke more..."). 

If a person has a true genetic issue and is big because of some metabolic issue, then take care of it, either through bypass, or whatever. If a diet of 800-1200 calories and burning 400-600 calories a day through aerobic and weight lifting does NOT make you drop 1.5 pounds a week, THEN you have an issue. But until you have done a diet like that for a YEAR without falling off the wagon, you don't know what losing weight is all about. I DO, I did it for the LAST YEAR, so don't tell me what work losing weight is.

It is simply not HEALTHY to be overweight and everyone should WORK to fix themselves not BLAME other people. YOU are the only maker of your change in life. YOU control what you do and don't do.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> Im sorry you feel this way. Im an over weight person and I for one care very much about myself, but losen weight isnt as easy as you people may think. It takes alot of time and havin someone talk down about you and make you feel horrible about yourself doesnt help the matter. Its not right to single out big people. I think what it is, skinny people are just jealous that big people have more to love. Being skinny isnt healthy either. Maybe you should think about that. Being big runs in my family and it also runs in my husbands family, but i guess its because we all sit around on our fat asses and eat all day huh.


1. Again, I'm not trying to single you out, just some general statements are to follow.

2. No one said losing weight is easy, its hard. I have had to hit the gym 3x a week since January to drop 20 lbs. I've had to make it a decision to not be unhealthy anymore regardless of the time I have to spend in the gym to do it. Its not easy to lose weight, but for 95% of the overweight people out there, its just the lack of drive to get up off the couch and go workout that keeps them overweight, along with their eating habits. Its not a "fat gene" or "big boned". 

3. Most people who say "being big runs in my family" don't realize that its probably not a "fat gene" that runs in the family, its unhealthy lifestyle choices that the family pass on to each other and do together.

4. Are there some people who do have a medical condition that makes it near impossible to lose weight? Sure. Do a LOT of overweight people use this as an excuse even if they don't suffer from these medical issues? Absolutely.

5. You are right, being too skinny is unhealthy, but no one here is talking about being too skinny (anorexic skinny). If someone here uses the word "skinny" they are talking about "ideal" weight levels for your height, sex, and body build/frame.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

:iagree:

Amberlynn...I don't think you are looking at this objectively, because it sounds like its hitting a little too close to home. My grandmother was very overweight..some of it was lifestyle, some of it was medical. Both grandmothers were overweight as a matter of fact. That does not mean that I'm just going to throw in the towel and decide because it "runs in my family" i'm just destined to be overweight! If I had that mentality, then I'd be an alcoholic too, since THAT runs even more prevalently in my family. What you're talking about is akin to nature vs. nurture...yes, we DO have a genetic predisposition to some things, but how you live can be more determinate than the genetics of it. Yes, genetics and medical conditons can make it harder to lose weight and/or keep it off, but giving up and giving IN to those things, that is a CHOICE.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Boy, I can see both sides of this coin! 

To the OP, I can understand your issue. You wife sounds like she was quite tiny when you met, and now she's completely different. Have you considered cooking the meals? Of course, a lot more work for you, but if you take the responsibility of it out her hands, as much as possible, it might help get her on track. Also, I would consider letting the exercise go for a bit, it's not needed to lose weight at the beginning, and can be something to add once she's on track with a diet. 

On the other side, Amberlynn is right that losing weight is sooo tough and not everyone overweight doesn't care about themselves.

Myself as an example, I had an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified) during high school. Which in my case was anorexia while maintaining normal healthy weight. My body just refused to go any further. And I was also overweight due to a medication and made me gain 2 lbs a week even while I was consuming less than 100 calories a day for weeks with obsessive exercise. 

Currently, it is a hell of a struggle everyday to maintain a normal weight. I will never be able to eat "normally" and I have to be very careful. I know that 700-100 calories a day will maintain my weight, over that I will gain a pound a day, under it I will lose a pound a day. 

I guess my point is, I don't like it when people judge a book by it's cover. It's not always as simple as eating too much and not exercising enough.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

nightshade said:


> I guess my point is, I don't like it when people judge a book by it's cover. It's not always as simple as eating too much and not exercising enough.


This is why I posted:
If a person has a true genetic issue and is big because of some metabolic issue, then take care of it, either through bypass, or whatever. If a diet of 800-1200 calories and burning 400-600 calories a day through aerobic and weight lifting does NOT make you drop 1.5 pounds a week, THEN you have an issue.

I am a SERIOUS proponent of weight management for HEALTH. By this I mean if one does not CARE to get diabetes or heart disease, then they need to keep things in check.

EVERY DAY is hard when managing weight. Nothing good comes easy.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

I'm sorry I missed that, Sandy.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

The reason I get on some people about weight management is they say "Oh, I try...and try..but the weight just won't come off...!"

Well, yes, I KNOW, because I am very prone to cheating then scratching my head and think "maybe I have a metabolic issue..."

NOPE. No denial allowed. One has to be 100% honest with oneself....when doing weight loss. 

Heavy people think they have a corner on the market for "suffering and it's so HARD to lose weight". Well, just because someone is maintaining their weight doesn't mean they are NOT struggling just as hard!! It just means that person has a STRONGER desire to MAKE the weight come off and STAY off.

(Can you tell how hard I struggle??? That is why I don't like whining about weight loss...)

ALTHOUGH I DO truly have much sympathy, am willing to help, but whining doesn't take off the weight.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am not completely with the love them the way they are group, but you want to be realistic and effective. First, that means not withholding sex or connecting weight with a lack of interest. You want her self-esteem to be better and for her to be enthusiastic about life. You don't want, I feel so ugly, even my own husband doesn't want me, let me sink my sorrows in some chocolate ice cream and cheesecake. So continue your sex life and let her know you love her. 

Try to subtly get her with some friends who are thinner. Once married, woman check their standards and behavior with how other women act. Watch a heavy woman at lunch with three thin women, she will order a salad. Make sure you are not buying fattening foods. When you are out even at a restaurant, eat healthy. 

You can mention diets occasionally (never connecting it with sex for that hits too close to home and self-esteem), but you can't harp on it. She has to learn to be happy and then want to lose weight.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Thanks for bumping a 5 year old zombie thread Bobby.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Thanks for bumping a 5 year old zombie thread Bobby.


I think this is the oldest thread I've ever seen bumped.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

They've probably been divorced for years.....


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