# Screwed up



## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I really screwed up this weekend. 

History...I left my 3X cheating husband a month and a half ago and I filed for divorce a month ago. He has gone back and forth between begging me to come back and being meaner than hell. My children and family HATE him for what he has done to me. I blocked his phone and filed harrassment charges. Then he called me from a different number so I started conversing with him again. First mistake.

He asked me to go for dinner Friday night, and since my daughter is gone for the weekend, I went. We ended up back at my place. Yes, we spent the night together. Second mistake. Last night, he came over for supper, third mistake, and my oldest son showed up. My son was very angry and told me that he wanted him out of here because of everything he has done to me and the family. He said he was trying to protect me.

The honest truth is that I know that this will NEVER work. HE is controlling and manipulative. He is a CHEATER. Not once, but three times. Even if he changed 100%, there is too much damage to our marriage. There is too much damage to me. I trust no one, and I will especially never trust him.

I don't understand why I did this. Why did I ever unblock the number? Why did I allow him back in? This just hurts so bad. He destroyed our marriage. I run the range of emotions. I get angry, I cry, I am in disbelief that all of this the past two years has happened. What the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I have any backbone?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

First off quit beating yourself up. You did it because you weren't done yet. Are you 'done' now? We do what we do and tolerate what we tolerate until we can't tolerate it anymore. Especially if he doesn't get help with his problems (counseling etc) or tried and it didn't work...it's not like you can let him back in and miraculously it's all going to be better. I've been through this...not that my guy came home all those times he left ...rather I'd go get him...and 'fix it'...just to have him be an azzwhole and run out again (not for cheating but just for being an abuser/mean) etc....

Your family wants it to end because they want to have peace and want peace in your life...and you want peace too... your 'not' going to get it with him and you know this...you go through the 'honeymoon' phase...the dinners, the talks, the sex...then the comfy comes and he starts his sht all over again and here you go...

You let him back in because you needed another ride...you still had hope...and you will continue to do so until you are 'convinced' and your heart/head catch up with each other...your family is trying to help you do that. They are trying to tell you to stop living with the disrespect and abuse...and yes,...you should. Had my azzwhole not left...I no doubt still be living miserably. I mean I'm miserable without him...funny huh...(there was a good part of him and that's the part I dwell on because I miss 'that' part of him)...but girl...'he chose' to be the man he chose to be...and it's not a 'good man'...
your husband is 'not a good man'....period. 

What kind of man and life do you want for yourself? Clearly your family doesn't want this one...they've had enough...when will you have enough????


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

When my brain is working right, I know I'm done. Im disgusted by all he has caused. I hate him for hurting me and the people I love. He is a liar and a major control freak. He had major issues with fidelity and basic right and wrong. I know he made these choices. He chose to hurt me...the one he vowed to love and protect. He knowingly did it over and over. There is something majorly wrong with a person who does that crap.

When my brain isn't working right, I get so lost in why all this happened in the first place. The sadness is all consuming. Then I miss him, or maybe I just miss what should have been. I go back and forth between being so angry and wanting retribution to this overwhelming sadness. I have flashbacks and nightmares and I am so tired. Everything seems so dark. 

I have been on antidepressants since the first betrayal. I read a lot to try to figure all this mess out. The truth is that there IS NO REASON. There is no way to explain what has happened or why it occurred. I know I didn't do this, but I did allow it to continue. I put my kids through hell for a man who didn't give a rip about any of us. He would say he did, but his actions did not match his words.

I knew last night when he left that seeing him again was a huge mistake. I knew there was no way that this mess that he created could be repaired. I think he knew it too, or at least it appeared that was thinking that. Sometimes the damage is just too great.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

You know how many times I've been told to stop trying to 'wrap my head around the why's'...stop trying to figure out why they do what they do and have done what they've done. I read a lot too...and come here and read posts after posts and gain strength and wisdom for myself etc...so that does help...but we still fall short and we can still fall weak in our actions and thoughts...but then we brush ourselves off and get up and do it again and keep trying...it's hard man. I mean it's really hard. Iv'e mentioned this before...our abusers are like our 'crack'...and we need to stop reaching for the pipe. I make myself sick with the 'wanting him' and 'needing him' crap...and he's not good for me. Time and time again he's hurt me and I was miserable...and I could NOT and CANNOT figure out why I'm in love with him still...and yes your right...they 'do' 'chose' to hurt us. We cannot ever know why. They don't even know why sometimes...I know my stbxh has a dad he is molded after...he watches his dad belittle his mom and walk away (run) yanno...no communication...no sorry...even pointed this out throughout our marraige and I begged my husband...'you see this isn't right...don't be like your dad'...all this and more even preached in church/counseling etc...and my husband would do good then just 'fall off the wagon'...he'd reach for 'his' pipe. His way of life is comfortable for him. It's easier for them to do what they do...than to accept responsiblilty..with responsiblity comes work...with work comes change and some men/women don't 'want' to change...their 'sin'...is more fun. 
I feel your pain...I'm living it also...I used to think if only I was a better wife...wallked more carefully on eggshells...got a thicker skin and swallowed more name calling and belittling...swept more bs under the rug and become more like his mom...(a nancy) his mom name is nancy...then I could have kept my husband...if I was merely complaint free...but it would build...and I would feel pain and hurt and lash out...and defend myself and try and talk to him and communicate to him how I wanted to clear the air etc...you know 'work it out'....but then you see...to him...that made me a btch and a complainer etc etc...so no matter what path I took I never could win... 
Why we love these guys fall on 'us'...'we' need to recognize 'we' don't 'need' to love these guys...and embrace the fear of abandonment and being alone...meaning...yes we fear that...but we have to face it head on....because we really don't have a choice...and I was a great wife...and I have a lot to offer...I want to share my life...but damn...i want to be in a relationship where he's not going to walk out on me every five minutes because he stubbed his toe...


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I used to think it was just me. That there was something wrong with me. There is, of course, because I chose to be and stay with him. It was and is more than that though. I feel like there is something wrong with me. IF he loved me, he could never do that to me. IF I was loveable, then he couldnt bear to hurt me like that over and over. 

He takes little responsibility for any of it. He has confronted the women that he was with since I left him. Blamed them for ruining his marriage. Then he blamed his kids for demanding his money for his attentions and causing problems. Then he actually blamed me for digging and finding out the truth. He said I just had to find the "truth". Why didn't I just let it go? He said that he knew he was finished cheating and that he couldn't hurt me again and had decided to stop it on his own...but I had to search for the truth so it was my fault. Wth? How do I get blamed for searching for truth?

I know he is bad. I know he will be the end of me if I ever went back. I was very suicidal after #2. I know I can't handle anymore. It just gets so dark. Today has been a very dark, dark day. I backslid a lot this weekend. I have to manage somehow to get back on my feet a little bit emotionally. This sooooo sucks.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Listen to me woman...he wasn't gonna end sht...that's bs. He's doin his usual blame game game and u know this. You know the drill. "He knew he was finished" my @zz! Oh c'mon...! I'm actually laughing out loud and you hafta be too! We are women who have been put in a position...damned if we do...damned if we don't no matter what path we take its NOT the right one with these guys! They are passive aggressive. I want you to humor me here ok...watch this...go google 'passive aggressive personality disorderk ok...THEN google the same and add 'in marriage or in relationships'....bet you read alllllllllll about your husband.....to a T. Do this....and get back to me.....ill be waiting.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Betrayedwife said:


> I really screwed up this weekend.
> 
> History...I left my 3X cheating husband a month and a half ago and I filed for divorce a month ago. He has gone back and forth between begging me to come back and being meaner than hell. My children and family HATE him for what he has done to me. I blocked his phone and filed harrassment charges. Then he called me from a different number so I started conversing with him again. First mistake.
> 
> ...


Oh please, you're human and there's nothing wrong for wanting to salvage a marriage. You gave him a chance to show he changed, and he has not. 

I filed RAPE charges (legitimately and with cause) against my ex-H, then I allowed him to reconcile with me and live with me for 3 months in my apartment even though my landlord who was a police officer and my downstairs neighbors were against it they showed me in their behavior but kept their mouths shut...anyway of course he started manipulating and being abusive to me in a controlling way and he showed up with scratches on his back in the middle of winter that were where an embrace goes...after he took my car (insisted upon it) to work to wash it well it came back barely clean. LOL. You know what he was doin' in that car at work. (I traded it in since I'd used some of his deployment income to pay extra on it, got a good deal on an affordable used car!) Anyway, don't beat yourself up. 

I've made mistakes recently too, slept with a potential client who turned out to be an arrogant 3-timer who when I challenged him on his commitment (and he admitted he wasn't going to be committed!) then turned vicious on me and tried to use my past to tell me I wasn't rational. (And his business isn't doing well on either of two contracts, he has deliverables due and they s*ck! He's basically lying to the government and giving them a crap product instead of what's contracted for, and then going to use non-contract time to get the 'real' deliverable in the month after and somehow swap it out...not sure how. His other deliverable he has to wear the cone of shame to get out of a $30K contract per month for data that he has no product to deliver to downstream customers, even though the company, a big NYC financial delivery company...took him on a dog and pony show to London, NYC, and all through Asia to promote the product...which doesn't even exist...at least I feel better knowing he didn't just lie to me but to his customers as well...his programmers and project manager jumped ship, too!) 

Anyway, there are a lot of jerks out there. The key is not to STAY with them, but in order to figure out for sure if they are jerks, you need to ENGAGE with them, you cannot know for certain just by instinct sometimes, you have to go in deep and do REAL DISCOVERY so that you know for certain even if what they are doing isn't necessarily criminal, you know that it is DEFINITELY not good for you, and THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. There is no shame in DOUBLE CHECKING to be sure. 

THOSE WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS. The big thing is that you have this board, and we can know you too because here you can afford to be honest, and there is no shame and no judgement. 

Keep your chin up. So, look at it this way, he TRIED TO KEEP YOU, he invested time and trouble to try to figure out a way to manipulate you in order to avoid being exposed by a divorce. If you had stayed married to him, if his plot had worked, you can be sure he would always bring up the time you accused him of cheating and almost divorced him and how stupid was that? You'll never be able to live it down, and HE WILL STILL BE CHEATING and he'll tell everyone that you're just paranoid and nuts. You will end up mental, to be sure. DON'T GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take sedatives every night. It keeps me out of trouble (mostly). 
I spend more time sleeping so during the day there is less time to mess up. ;-)
Also, having been vetted by a team of psychiatrists and finishing therapy to the point where the V.A. hospital cut me off and deemed me cured, it's a lot harder for men to mess with my mind by trying to bully me and call me damaged for wanting something GOOD AND WHOLESOME for myself. (What's that saying, serving doo doo and calling it chocolate?)


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

ok Stella...here is what rings a bell with Passive Agressive behavior...I copied and pasted the things that apply to me.

1. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults. (Already explained this)

2. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. (He told me it would be ok, he would be faithful and then turn right around and go see HER)

3. He sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. (He denied things about his affairs all the time. When I had PROOF, he would make it out like he just got caught up in someone else's snare or didnt realize what he was doing was wrong)

Emotional abuse:
1. The abuser's threats and need for control can cause the victim to become cut off from communicating with friends and family. The abuser becomes the victims only support system, not only their victimizer.

2. By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.

3. Discourage any independent activities such as taking classes or activities with friends. (I was completely cut off from my friends and family...they apparently riled me up when they were just trying to get me to see the truth)

4. Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex. (Watched me like a hawk everywhere we went and always accused me of being interested with other me. Completely WAY off. All the while, he was having the affairs)

5. If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser. (My daughter used to say I was like his dog and did whatever he commanded)
6. Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information. (He alway decided how money was to be spent even if we couldnt afford it and I resisted)
7. Make all major decisions such as where to live. (Made me leave my home of 18 years and moved my daughter and I to a town where she is miserable in school and away from all her childhood friends)
8. You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset (Constantly walked on eggshells and tried to make sure everything was done right. Like made sure everything was unplugged like can openers and chargers. If my daughter left anything plugged in, she was grounded and her chargers for her phone and computer taken away).
9. You feel as if anything you do or say will be met with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse. (It was never about what I wanted or needed...only him)

Nacissism:

•Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 
•Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
•Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 
•Requires excessive admiration
•Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 
•Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 
•Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 
•Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 
•Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


GOOD LORD....After really looking at this, I am understanding why I am so screwed up. I have dealt with the above behaviors from my husband. No wonder I am an emotional wreck and don't know which way to turn.

Homemaker: You said it just right when you said, "WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS". He did call me paranoid. I had reason to be though. He does confuse me, but I am far from a stupid woman. I am going to have to block him again and take some control back.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

BINGO!

Nowwwww...your getting it girl... you see...it is not you. Not that you don't have issues...let me rephrase that. Not that 'we' don't have our 'issues' we became co dependant on these azzhats...and no doubt have other issue yes...but no wonder. You just described 'my husband' and my guess from your posts...as I was on target...yours. Welcome to my/our world. As I said, with these type of guys no matter what path you take lady...it will be the wrong one... now check this out...UNLESS these dpshts embrace this...'they will never ever ever 'get it'...some seek help...most don't. So 'we' have to 'break from them'....someone put it to me this way...look at the 'illness'....you can't work with it. It's a never ending cycle of pain. I read the above and more in counseling to my stbxh once...to try to get him to absorb he needed to 'work on this'.... look where it got me. He still abused...still blamed...and still left/abandoned me...and zero communication...and zero closure...NOT EVEN...CLOSURE. I'm not worth a phone call...a conversation. So you and I...need to STOP trying to wrap our heads around the 'why'...the above is the 'why'...and they are blind to it. They are 'sick' in the head. Period. Abusive. Period. 
There's men out there that don't bear these traits...I've met them...they do exitst...we must work on getting over and letting go of the fkd up one that do this crap to us...we need to get off our crack. 
Wow...this has been very theraputic huh? Hm??? ....lol


*Homemaker: You said it just right when you said, "WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS". *

agreed!!!!!!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

If there was one thing I wish I could just get through to other betrayed spouses of multiple affairs it's this...... *Your cheating spouse will only show remorse when they feel abandoned, not because they've seen the light and decided to work on themselves.* As soon as you let him back into your life he's going to play up to your needs and then go back to cheating on you again. This is his Narcissistic nature as you've already seen. 

Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics, and to an extent Sociopaths do not function on a normal level and use relationships as tools to shelter themselves from having to deal with their demons. That's why he's freaking out right now. He doesn't have his safety net and has to deal with his actions hurting himself, and he gaslight himself like he can you.

I'm glad you found this site and realized you're not to blame, because a lot of the "Nons" as in non-damaged people are blamed for everything and lead to believe they are responsible for ruining a wonderful functional relationship. I just have to ask one thing, and it's going to seem weird, but..... do you have a history of being in relationships with people that were like your husband. And if so do these men remind you of your father/first meaningful relationship/parents? Because usually, but not always, it's one of the three that made relationships with these types feel so comfortable and so fun what with the drama filled cycles and all.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Nsweet: 

This is the honest truth. I think my relationship problems stem from my father. When I was a child he pushed me very hard to excel. I would set my goals very high, almost imposssible, and fail miserably. I often felt like I could not do well enough (grades, sports) for him. This wasn't really his fault, he was just pushing me to do well. It was me that pushed to be the best, or the top. Then, when I was 12, my parents divorced. There was a lot of fighting, infidelity issues on both parts, and dnagerous situations (threats of homicide and suicide) I was so angry with him and refused to have much to do with him for a few years. Then, he remarried, had a baby and moved states away. He just left me. I have known forever that my relationship with my father has tainted my life and realtionships.

I have managed to learn how to set high goals for myself in life without oversetting them. I have a bachelor's degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. I am very successful in school as I am a junior high teacher. Somehow, I am able to fix these kids, but not myself. I set high standards for them and they rise to the occassion. 

Then....there's men...I was married right out of high school to a physically and emotionally abusive man. He was a "bad boy". Everyone warned me but I wouldn't listen. I wanted to tame the anger I saw in him. Well, my love wasn't enough. That lasted about 1 1/2 years.

Then, I married my kids dad. We were married for 18 years. He traveled a lot. Very emotionally unavailable. I got used to taking care of things and raising my three kids by myself. I went back to college in 2000 and got my degree and started working. This helped fulfill some of my need, but I needed more. I needed to be needed and wanted. I wanted a relationship where I was more than a housekeeper and a roommate. (We rarely has sex). So I left him. I often look back and wish that I hadn't left him and then gotten into this mess. I was at least content, not happy, but content. I had a large house, my kids were happy. I just wanted more. I wanted someone to LOVE me. I just couldn't see living the rest of my life in a situation where I was always last place to someone behind his work and friends.

Then I found the current one. He was so ful of fun and passion. He told me he loved me several times a day. He always showed affection. He held my hand everywhere we went. He held me all night long. He helped me around the house and was good to the kids. I was getting all the things that I thought I needed. Then I found out the week that we were engaged that he was talking to and planning on meeting his high school GF he found on FB. WTH? He supposedly ended with her right then. He promised me that if I would still marry him that I would never regret it, it was just a lack of judgement and he got caught up in the "wanting to know". I married him and then he told me two weeks later that he had never ended it with her. HE snuck calls from work and went to see her. I almost had a breakdown. Things got better but he got more controlling. My oldest son had graduated, but my middle son went to live with his dad because of my husband. HE would not conform to my husbands demands. Me and my daughter did. My husband demanded that I sell my house and move. I agreed because he was the head of the house. While we were moving, and a week away from closing on the house, he started spending a lot of time with his ex wife. He told me that she was his best friend and when I objected, he made out like I was bad for not letting him have friends. Then, he went to her, took off his wedding ring and told her that he loved her. I should have left him then, but I didn't. I just tried harder and the demands got worse. The isolation got worse. The fear got worse. Then, there was this last time. I caught him red handed and moved me and my daughter OUT. 

I know I have had enough, but I an SOOO screwed up mentally from all of this. The mind games, the blame, the guilt, the lies. I don't know what the truth is anymore. I can't trust anyone and I stay fearful. HE gets really mean and then really nice. He has threatened suicide and everything else to get me back. It has been a nightmare that I created for myself.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Don't think it was limited to the women in the above scenarios. Those were just the worst. There were many women. Many inappropriate conversations and comments. When I said anything, it was either 1. You wont let me have friends, you know I get along with women. 2. You are paranoid. or 3. I didn't realize that relationship or comment was inappropriate. Now that you have explained it and I see it through your eyes, I see that it was wrong. 

Even now, he is saying that he didn't realize all these times that what he did with women, even the major ones, was wrong at the time. He blames getting caught up in the moment or someone's snare. He didn't know better. Now he wants me to explain it to him so he will never do it again. I call BS on this one. Hes not so stupid that he didnt know what he was doing. HE intentionally and maliciously hurt me. He had no compassion. Then he turns it all around and it was everyone else's fault but his. WHAT THE H###? IT is going to take a long time to muddle through this mess.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> He said that he knew he was finished cheating and that he couldn't hurt me again and had decided to stop it on his own...but I had to search for the truth so it was my fault. Wth? How do I get blamed for searching for truth?


It's EASY! If YOU are to blame, end of story...you just need to be a 'better' person (read that stupider, more gullible, more naive, more passive, etc.)

If it was HIS fault, he'd have to admit he's a horrible azz-hole! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. He will not spend ONE MINUTE in honest self-reflection because in his heart he KNOWS he's behaved terribly, that he is a broken, dishonest, horribly-behaved person. He is ashamed of it, doesn't like it, doesn't know how to 'fix' it, and doesn't want to make the effort to 'fix' it because it would be TOO PAINFUL. It is EASIER to blame everyone else and keep his focus off of himself and his cr*ppy behavior.

He will be miserable and unhappy his ENTIRE life because he doesn't have the SPINE to look at himself HONESTLY and 'fix' himself.

It ain't you, honey!


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Well, I don't know if I have ever been stupid or gullible. Maybe so in the fact that I put full trust in our relationship. Yes, I tried passive. I am not a passive person naturally, but chose to be so with my husband so he could be the leader of our family. I had no idea that it would all lead to new town, new job, isolation for me and my daughter, AND betrayal. 

I shouldn't look back. I do because I still try to figure out this horrible mess. All I can really do is go from here. I made it through Christmas with my family. He was mostly alone. Now, my youngest son (17) will be staying with me through New Years so I don't have to be alone (my daughter is with my parents visiting). I don't discuss much about how I feel ablout all of this with my children, but they are smart enough to know. 

Right now, I guess you could say that I am angry. I am angry with him for [email protected]#king up so bad. I am angry with him for hurting my kids. I am angry with him for destroying our mariage. I am angry with myself for marrying him in the first place, and thus, hurting my own kids. I am angry with myself for staying in it after the first betrayal. 

I am just venting now, but damn it, I am such an IDIOT. I am not gullible, I am not dumb. I sat right there and watched him ruin our marriage over and over. I watched him berate my daughter. I took the threats. I worried when he ranted that he might leave me. I knew better all the time, but I took it. It didn't matter how suicidal I got, I took more crap from him. I got on medicine that would dull my senses so I could take more abuse. I didn't have to feel anymore. I could just exist. I knew this was a mess, but I stayed. I am an idiot.

Now, I look back...off of Half of the medication and I ask myself what happened. Not only why did he do this, but why did I allow it to continue. I knew better. Now I have to stay away from him and help myself and my children heal from this psycho [email protected]$rd.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

You will never be able to answer the why questions. And even if you could, it wouldn't change anything. Your ex is a broken sick man. This could be my thread. The only differences are a twenty year marriage, one 12 yr old son and a 13 year long affair with the same woman that he left me for. 
I was in limbo and walking on eggshells for years.I kept forgiving him and believing his lies and taking him back. It wasn't until I started getting healthy and moving on that he started showing remorse and wondering if we should get back together. Hell no! I don't want him back. I'm happier alone and getting stronger everyday. And he will always be a sick f#ck.

It has to be all about you now. Get yourself stronger so you can be a good mom.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I am just venting now, but damn it, I am such an IDIOT. I am not gullible, I am not dumb. I sat right there and watched him ruin our marriage over and over. I watched him berate my daughter. I took the threats. I worried when he ranted that he might leave me. I knew better all the time, but I took it. It didn't matter how suicidal I got, I took more crap from him. I got on medicine that would dull my senses so I could take more abuse. I didn't have to feel anymore. I could just exist. I knew this was a mess, but I stayed. I am an idiot.
> 
> Now, I look back...off of Half of the medication and I ask myself what happened. Not only why did he do this, but why did I allow it to continue. I knew better. Now I have to stay away from him and help myself and my children heal from this psycho [email protected]$rd.


I know you are angry, however people change, relationships, change, life is constantly full of changes. If he is sincere and genuine in his efforts, than you owe it to yourself to give him and your marriage the opportunity to heal. 

Speaking from my experience, my wife and I love eachother deeply. The problem was not our love or lack of comittment to each other. It was in our communication or I should say lack of definition in our communication. We both had expectations, however they were not communicated in a clear and concise manner. For example she would say something to the effect; I want more attention. I would instantly assume that meant more sex. That is not what she was asking for at the time and I took for granted and assumed that it was. This is just a small example of many issues we had, however had we been clearly defining our communication I don't not believe we would have ended up where we are currently. (Angry, frustrated, confused, hurt, hopeless, etc...)

What I'm trying to get at is that you should not throw your marriage away if in fact he is making a genuine effort. You obviously love this man. Have you tried to define your expectations and communicate them clearly. Is and does he understand your expectations? Does He understand your perceptions and why?

Nothing in life is ever too late as long as you are alive. Behaviours are habits; they can be changed.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Honestly, I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He cheated on me three times. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words. We went to marriage counseling before the last betrayal. It had nothing to do with communicating. We talked openly all the time. I gave him a second chance and then a third. He just can't stay away from women. That is really all it amounts too. 

Someone told me after the first affair that a tiger can't change their stripes. I said no, but they can be tamed if they love who they are with enough. I thought my love would be enough but it wasn't. He sapped the life out of me and ruined our marriage and distroyed all trust. 

I am not the same anymore.Even if he was sincere, I am not the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, I am sorry you feel this way. I never cheated on my wife, we never went to counseling either, however she expresses to me the same things that you express about how you feel about your husband, "I am not the same anymore Even if he was sincere, I am not the same. I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words". I don't know what to say, other than I know I never wanted to hurt my wife. I do want my marriage to work. I value my wife more than anyone or anything. It makes me feel so inadequate and sad that she can't see this. I am truly remorseful for what I've done that has caused her pain and the issues between us. My actions are sincere and genuine, and I would literally do anything in my power to rescue my marriage and my relationship with my wife. So when I see the same thing in someone else's struggles, I feel that if I share my side perhaps you might look at things from the other side. At any rate only you know your situation, however I would really like to see you resolve your problems with your husband if at all possible as opposed to divorce. 

My 2 cents
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Bryane, I see that you are sincere about your wife. I do hope that you can work things out. I don't know what you did to cause her pain but I really hope that she can overcome it. 

My husband knowingly and, without remorse, caused my pain by being in the arms of other women. I was to the point that I said goodbye to my three kids. While I was lying in bed, contemplating my death, he was seeing her. If he truly gave a rip about me, then he would have been incapable of inflicting that type of pain on someone. Yes, I love him. Yes, I miss him. There is so much damage to me and this marriage that I will never trust him again. He has changed me forever. 

I am angry. I am so sad that it shakes me to my core. I am confused. I am afraid. I relive it every night in my dreams. What he did to me consumes me. I am really messed up. I know I would not survive another betrayal so I can't let myself take that risk. Does that even make sense?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Honestly, I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He cheated on me three times. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words. We went to marriage counseling before the last betrayal. It had nothing to do with communicating. We talked openly all the time. *I gave him a second chance and then a third. He just can't stay away from women. That is really all it amounts too. *Someone told me after the first affair that a tiger can't change their stripes. I said no, but they can be tamed if they love who they are with enough. I thought my love would be enough but it wasn't. He sapped the life out of me and ruined our marriage and distroyed all trust.
> 
> I am not the same anymore.Even if he was sincere, I am not the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This and more...you've endured quite enough. Enough is enough...go find some dnm peace and some happiness...men like this don't change...if he wanted to change would he not have done it by now? Were you not worth it the last two or more times? Pfffttt.....
kick his abusive monkey [email protected]@ to the curb...find a man to wine you and dine you and call you sweet names honey...


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Stella,

The though of being with any man makes me sick. They all have big red CHEATER on their foreheads to me. 

Yes, he had plenty of times to fix things. Plenty of opportunities to repair things. HE didn't. The only reason he is really remorseful, or appears to be, is because I left. He never thought I would actually leave. HE can't control me anymore.

This still hurts so bad. I have to let it go though. I have to, not only for me, but for my kids. We have all been traumatized by his behavior. If I went back to him it would be the same as abusing my children. If not for me, then I have to stay away for their sakes. They can't handle any more. I mean, my 16 year old daughter sleeps with me because she is afraid for her own safety as well as mine. Every time we hear a diesel truck go by she freaks out. What kind of life is that for them? I have shown her what NOT to do. Now I have to be strong, even if it kills me, and show her whats right to do. I have to show her how to have respect for yourself and to never let a man treat you the way I have been treated. He belittled all three of them so much. They didn't succumb like I did. They fought back. I wasn't as strong as they were. I was "in love". Now I have to protect myself and them. I have to believe that I am worth more than that.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I guess that makes sense, you are saying if I understand correctly the risk far outweighs the reward? I don't see the logic in that, however I guess that is why I'm not able to fix my marriage. 

My wife thinks I was online trolling for sex. There was an email that was not proper (too flirtatious), although innocent, was completely misconstrued. In the beginning of our marriage I had an account on AFF. This hurt her badly. Now she thinks that I can't be faithful; regardless I have never cheated. We have gone through many ups and downs financially, this worries her as well. I've taken a long hard look at myself and my actions and completely realigned my thinking / habits / behaviors / priorities. She tells me I've hurt her too many times and her heart can not be stitched. I wasn't even cognizant of the damage I had done or the hurt I had caused. Once I realized this, it almost seems too late. My wife left November 10th 8 days before our Birthday (we were born the same day). I haven't given up and I won't give up. I have decided to let my actions speak and give her space. This too has shaken me to the core as well.

Bottom line is you leave him, what's to say you won't experience the same issues with someone else or even worse? Life is about forgiveness. If there is even the slightest of chances that you can repair your family, then In my most honest and humble opinion the reward far outweighs the risk. You already are hurt, he can only improve the situation or seal his own coffin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Stella,
> 
> *The though of being with any man makes me sick. *They all have big red CHEATER on their foreheads to me.
> 
> ...



I understand.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Betrayed:

Hang in there, Honey!

There are hundreds (maybe thousands) of strangers reading about YOUR situation who are PULLING for you and your kids! Some are praying for you! ALL are HOPING that YOU will find the peace, comfort, respect, happiness YOU DESERVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN when you move on from this incredibly toxic relationship.

You *WILL* be able to do it...for yourself, for your daughter (as an example), for your sons (so they will KNOW the REQUIREMENTS for being a REAL MAN/HUSBAND/FATHER).

Come here 24/7 and KNOW that we are your BIGGEST FANS...your BIGGEST CHEERLEADERS! We will hurt when YOU and your kids hurt, worry when you and your kids are scared and unsure, and CELEBRATE THE H*LL out of WHATEVER makes you and the kids HAPPY!!!

If you lived near me, I'd be annoying the bejeebers out of you with regular PEP-TALKS! You will be a HAPPY, HEALTHY, WHOLE woman AGAIN...it takes a couple of years and the WILLINGNESS to do the necessary work.

YOU WILL SUCCEED!

*hugs*


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks you soooo much StellaMoon and SlowlyGettingWiser. I honestly have gotten so much from this forum. It has helped me get through some pretty bad times so far. Some days have been so dark, and the people here have helped keep me on track.
'
Bryane: To respond to your statements...

"Bottom line is you leave him, what's to say you won't experience the same issues with someone else or even worse?" (I left him a month and a half ago. Also, I could care less about being with anyone else. To imply that I should stay in a relationship that is full of LIES and BETRAYAL because I might find the same out there is rediculous. That is like saying that you should stay with someone who beats you because your next husband might beat you too. Maybe physical abuse makes more sense to leave. Maybe emotional abuse and breaking wedding vows is not enough. Yes, the world is full of cheaters, but I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through the HELL that I have been through)

"Life is about forgiveness." (Yes it is, but forgiveness is to be given to those who are truly remorseful. Why should I forgive the horrendous things that have been done to me when says sorry and in the next breath he blames everyone except the dog for his behavior?) 

"If there is even the slightest of chances that you can repair your family, then In my most honest and humble opinion the reward far outweighs the risk." (It had already been risked. Three times. He as proven to me that he can't be trusted with his word)

"You already are hurt, he can only improve the situation or seal his own coffin." (He had the chance to improve it. We went to counseling. HE HAD THREE CHANCES. Don't you get it? I did try. I did start over. I did give him another shot. He lied and betrayed me again. He took his ring off and told his ex he loved her while he was on his second chance. More likely, it would seal my coffin if I went back).

Bryane, I appreciate your advice and I hope you work things out with your wife. If you did to her what my husband did to me then you probably can't. What is AFF? If it was something that would hurt your wife then why did you do it?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, as I said I don't know your whole history. These are only my opinions, nothing more, I wasn't aware of the extent of the history and opportunity this man wasted. I guess because my wife has not put up with anywhere near the BS you have, and only reading what You initially wrote. I felt it necessary to give you the other sides perspective.

AFF = Adult friend finder... I had the account from when I was single. Clicked on it a few times out of curiosity, nothing more. I closed the account completely after being confronted about it 5 or 6 years ago.

I've done many childish, stupid and irresponsible things for a fairly intelligent person, as I stated, I had to realign myself completely with what I know is really important and who i want to be perceived as. I think I was arrogant and egotistical in many ways. I always had a good heart and always wanted to make my wife happy, however I took too many things for granted. I didn't want to ever hurt her, however my actions obviously did, despite my intentions.

I'm sorry you went through so much trauma, and I wish you the best in your recovery. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Here is where I am right now. My supposedly "remorseful" husband is blaming me again. He says it is all because he was hurt because he thought I stll had feelings for my kid's dad. When we were in counseling, the counselor's daughter told his daughter that I had said I wished I had never left my kid's dad. I never said that but my husband is blaming the hurt of that on his actions now. I asked him what that had to do with his first affair. The first affair occurred before that statement was made. He said it was because of a "look" I supposedly gave my kid's dad when we ran into him when we were out one night. Really? That happened before we were even married. I didn't give out any look, and if he was so hurt by this supposed look, then why did he marry me? No, instead he snuck around to see a woman while we were engaged. I didn't find out about it until after we were married. He told me about what had happened about three weeks into our marriage to "clean the slate". That was my first breakdown. I thought, well, we are married now. Things would be different. He was honest and seemed sincere. I didn't forget it, but I pretty much got past it with counseling and moved on. Then, 10 months into our marriage he did it again. Once again, I tried to believe what he told me. I believed the sincerity. I gave him another chance.

No, this is not on me. There is NO WAY I will accept any responsibility for this. I was a good wife. I did not do anything to cause this. I never even thought about other men. I was compliant and did what he asked. I went where he wanted to go. I did what he wanted to do. I put him first before my kids. I took the threats. I complied with all of his demands for crazy things. I made sure my daughter did what she was supposed to do. I took all of the belittling. I sat back and did nothing when he attacked my kids. If you ask me, that was my only fault...that I allowed him to treat them the way he did. Yes, I was wrong there.

I couldn't sleep again last night. More nightmares. I am sick about all of this. I am heartbroken and just plain, flat sick physically. I am back to the "why". I just don't get it. I guess because there was really no reason for it all besides mental illness. What happened wasn't accidents. They weren't mistakes. They were repeated acts of infidelity and meanness. There is not way to justify what happened. There is no way to explain it. I am a very logical person and this just doesn't make sense.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

He has a personality disorder (or a mental illness); THAT is all the explanation necessary. Let it go, you can't fix him and you know it!


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I know I can't fix him. Not that I didn't try. I just don't get it. I am 16 days out before my attorney can request the final divorce hearing. I can not believe how fast time flew. I though I would have a better grip on things by now, but I don't.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed,
Good luck, you have support. Someone suggested fo me to write everything I wanted to say to my wife here, It helps a little. I see a therapist, I read books, I go to work, however I can't seem to shake my feelings either, I think it must be normal. This is an extremely traumatic event in ones life to experience. Everything you believed in and relied on to be the truth feels like a lie. Nothing makes any sense, and the pain is always there. Trust me I know. At times my confidence is completely gone, I feel like a broken man. I know I have many things going for me, however without my wife in the picture, nothing seems to matter. I feel like I'm going through the motions yet they are empty, hollow, and serve no purpose. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. Some days are better, however the feelings are still there. I know, her friends know, her own mother knows, I was a good husband for the most part, yet she denies that and blames me for everything. I once asked her if I did anything right. The only thing she could come up with was that the sex was good. WTF??? Anyways, you are not alone. This website has helpe me through some really dark times. People want to help, and slowly you will regain control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Bryane,

Thanks. Even though you and I are on opposite ends of all of this, what you just described is exactly what I go through. It is not good. It is strange that I am the one who left and you are the one who was left yet we both go through the same type of emotions. I use this site as a sounding board too. It helps me keep a little sanity and to put in writing what I think and feel. I run a range of emotions so people here have helped keep me in check.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, Same here it has helped, I'll have to admit I still lost it a few times. Christmas Day was the worst. She came over and everything seemed alright, we were happy until she sat down in my room and started crying. She wouldn't let me comfort her. She told me I disgust her. She said everything I've done is an attempt to manipulate the situation. I got angry an hurt. I told her to leave. She wanted me to hug her, I refused. The very next day we fought and argued in the morning, I said I was filing for divorce, I couldn't take it anymore. Later that day as I was driving to work I witnessed a really bad accident unfold right in front of me. I tried to rescue the people, however 2 were already dead. I broke down and started to cry. I called and cried to her, I put my wedding ring back on and I told her to take whatever amount of time she needed. There is no divorce papers as of now. I never wanted a separation or a divorce, I've said that all along. There is no OM or OW, she lives at my MIL's home. I don't know what to do other than wait. I am afraid, more afraid than I have ever been. Sometimes I get angry, however I can't remain. When I'm angry I'm alright, however it is not in my nature, I would rather forgive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

It is more in my nature to forgive too. I forgave him three times and dam4it i tried. It didn't matter. He still did it again and blames me. WHATEVER. I can't take any more. As much as I love him, as much as I miss him, I just can not and will not allow myself to do it any more. He has no compassion for me. He doesn't care about me. He just wants what he can't have. He had me for 2 1/2 years. He screwed up the whole time. Even before we were married. I am an educated woman. I shouldn't be so stupid.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, let your anger and hurt subside. See where your head is at afterwards. Nothing in life can't be fixed if that is what you want. Your husband obviously has issues, he seems immature in many ways. Maybe he'll get it maybe he won't. Regardless, you have to focus on yourself. You have no control over him, as much as it hurts to see someone you love make bad choices, they are their choices, not yours to make. There is no 3 chances and your out rule in life, only you know your tolerances. 

Be cautious of your choices as well, you seem intelligent, focus on what you want and need and what you have control over. Set goals for yourself, and work as hard as you can on them. Heal yourself first and foremost. You are no good to anyone including yourself in this state. This is something I constantly have to remind myself as well. This really sucks regardless of what side you sit on, but you will get through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

After I went out to supper with my husband one night, I went to a bar we used to frequent alone. That was a really different experience. I thought to myself, this is not where I belong. This is what he wanted to do, not me. I haven't been back since. 

I have been trying to make positive changes and choices. I got a dog. I have started working out again, eating right, taking vitamins, and enrolled in graduate school. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I go to church and am in a bible study with a coworker who went through a similar experience and R. I am able to have friends again now that I am away from him. We go and do things together. I am probably going to go to counseling. I have to get my head on straight. 

I am really trying to do good things for myself.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed,

That is good for you. You are taking the right steps. My wife asked me to move from CA to FL, she is from FL, and I knew that would make her happy so I complied. It was a huge financial struggle since there is not too many jobs here and I am currently earning less than half of what I was accustomed to. It has been difficult for me also because I too don't really enjoy the night club / bar scene anymore and the only friends I have here are mutual ones. I try not to contact them because I don't want to put anyone in an awkward position. So I get really lonely at times, however I have no motivation or desires to meet anyone new. My MIL comes to my house on a daily basis under the pretense she is checking up on the dog, however I know it is me she is really checking on.

I feel similar to a beautiful cake or pastry that looks and seems like it would be great and enjopyable, however when you take a bite into it; the filling tastes like something barely palatable. I know am an intelligent, attractive, athletic, succesfull, fun guy but; currently a complete emotional / mental wreck.

It's difficult to become passionate about anything as well. I have to force myself to enjoy or partake in anything that I normally would. The only thing I can suggest is that I know when I force myself; I do feel slightly better, so push!!! Push as hard as you can, no situation is forever. I say these things just as much for myself as I do for you.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I HATE THIS. I hate this sadness I feel all the time. I hate it that I am 43 and starting over again. I hate that he broke up our marriage. I hate it that he couldn't stay away from women. I hate that I was never enough for him. I hate it that I still love him. I hate it that I would ever tolerate his behavior and actions in the first place. I hate the nightmares - two last night. I am exhausted and just so overwhelmed with emotions.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Do you have any Xanax? Best sleep I had in months


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I am out of Xanax. I do have some Klonipin. I do notice that I am not tormented very often when I take a couple at night. I will make sure to take some tonight before I go to sleep. Thanks for the reminder.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

HELP HELP HELP. I am having a major breakdown. I found out that my husband is Facebook friends with Tracy, the one he betrayed me with the very first time. I demanded to have his fb password and he gave it to me. There were several pictures of her that he "liked". He said it was all a ploy to get her to trust him enough to talk to him on the phone so he could tell he how she had helped ruin our marriage and that he never wanted to talk to her again. BS If they were fb frineds, then he could have just sent her a message. HE didnt have to talk on the phone. Also if this was the case, he would have deleted her as a friend. He didn't. There was also a message conversation with him and one of my used to be friends where he called her "babe" and she called him "sweetheart" and "honey". 

I actually let this man into my house 2 weeks ago. We had sex. He spent the night. At the same time, he is playing again. Nothing has changed. I am soooo stupid. I am so mad that I can't even see straight. I am madder than anything else at myself. I let him hurt me AGAIN!

This divorce can not be over soon enough. I have got to get him the hell out of my life. I have to get some backbone and completely cut the ties.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, I am so sorry!!! This man sounds like a world class schmuck! Does he honestly beleive his own bullsh1t? If it was a simple oversight to delete her why continue the conversations? There is no reason to have anyone in your life if you are through with them. There is no need to talk or have a conversation. Was this recently or were they old conversations that could have been forgotten about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I have got to get him the hell out of my life. I have to get some backbone and completely cut the ties.


Use that anger and do it! Not only a repeat offender but not even showing any true remorse. WTF?!

Weird to advise someone elses wife to move on when I want mine back (differing situation of course) but cheating once would be a major red flag for me, let alone what he has done to you.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

K.C. I agree with you 100% about advising someone to leave when I too want my wife back, although I never cheated either, nor do I beleive she has. I guess to me that would be the ultimate betrayal. Even if she did it while we were seperated, it would be inexcusable. That is my deal breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

These "sweetheart" messages were very recent. The girl, 22, I have known since she was in third grade. Her mom used to be my best friend. The only reason my husband even knows her at all is through me. She also asked him why he should stay faithful to me if we were separated and asked him out for a drink. He declined, but still. He has been texting her outside of fb also. She defriended me. WTH? Is she that desparate? 

I talked to my dad about all of this. He said he wasnt surprised that he got back in contact with Tracy, the first CHEATER. He said he expected it. 

What is wrong with this man? Does he not realize that he has ruined my life? He professes to be changed but he is sooo far from it. He is the same mean, lying man he always was.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

He has not ruined your life. You are letting him ruin your life. He has showed you who he is. Listen to him. Focus inward.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayed, I scratch my head and wonder WTF it is that I did so wrong that caused my wife to abandon me and our dog. Too become so resentful and angry that she can barely talk to me, and is still not sure. She separated with no terms of anything discussed. We aren't divorced, there are no divorce papers, she tells me she needs space. Our last conversation she said I was suffocating her, however we barely talk and when we do it is about superficial things, otherwise she shuts down. She left November 10th over a stupid email that she believed to be evidence of me sleeping with another woman. This is so far removed from the truth, however I don't know how to fix the problem. I told her last time we spoke to just take her time and figure it out, that I wasn't dating or sleeping with anyone, and that I was wearing my wedding band. She told me she didn't care. I guess time will tell, however I've never done anything close to what your husband has, yet you still offer him chances. You still secretly have hope that this jackass is sincere...What I would give or do to have some hope at this point. It's a shame how he wastes and squanders his opportunities. You are doing the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

@ Bryane ... Maybe your wife is using that email as an opportunity to leave. People sometimes have to justify their actions. You need to go dark (180) on her. No contact whatsoever. She wants out let her go. Sometimes problems are manufactured to get somebody where they want to be. My wife told me we were growing apart. What I said? Turns out she was right in the middle of an EA. Tells her self these things to justify it in her own mind.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Emotional affair/physical affair. Same thing. It is a break of the wedding vows. It is breaking the promise to forsake all others. Some people just don't get it.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

FYI the EA turned PA about a week later after we took a couples weekend to the Beau Rivage "to work on our marriage". She thought she had soothed my worries but I had found this website. People on here too smart for her. Now I'm a single Dad with a six and three year old. My advice to you is run. You don't love him you love what could have been.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I have to FOCUS on right now and the future. I can not look back. If I was truthful, I would have to say that I am bitter. I am not going to let that define me though. I am only going to allow myself short periods to wallow. For the most part, I have to make every step I take the right ones. 

This man has lost something great. For whatever reason, he is so narcissistic and screwed up that he couldn't be faithful and really screwed with my head. I was an honest and faithful wife to him. I did everything he asked. I kept a spotless house and always had supper ready. I greeted him every night at the door wth a kiss. The only child out of 5 that we still have at home is my daughter. She is a GOOD girl for 16 and only gave him trouble because she would not bend to his unreasonable demands. He belittled both of us. 

He is the one who is the loser here. Not me. All I ever did was love him and give him all of myself. All he did was CRAP on me. Cheat. Lie. Manipulate. Loser


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You definitely deserve better as does anyone who has to go thru this mess. Bitterness and anger are healthy healing processes. Just don't stay angry. Get away and do something fun. Take all that energy you wasted on him and use it to better yourself 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I have been trying to do good things, go out, etc. There are just times, at least once a day, when I lose my mind. I either am full of rage or tears, sometimes both. This so sucks.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The rollercoaster of emotions. I ride it every day. It's the hardest part to deal with. My heart does not know what's best for me. It still wants a lying cheating drug addict ex back. I think I just want what used to be back. However that woman is gone and the one in her place only cares about numero uno. Its been 3 months and the pain is still real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I tell you what I want back. I want the man that told me he loved me several times a day. I want the man who bought me flowers for no reason. I want the man who held my hand wherever we went and opened the car door for me. I want the man who held me all night long every night. I wand the man who always kissed me goodnight and called me every morning while I was getting ready for work. 

That is what I don't understand. He did all of those things...while he cheated. He would talk to Tracy on the phone at work and then come home to me. He went to meet with her and then came home to me. He was seeing his exwife and then came home to me. He was involved with another woman and then came home to me. It just really doesn't make any sense. 

The things I listed above are what I loved about him. The facade. What I learned to hate was the controllingness, the manipulation, the lies...the betrayal.

I wish so much that it could have worked because I soooo want the man listed above back. It was truly just a facade though. Even now, he is showing me that he can't be faithful with contacting Tracy again. "liking" her pictures. UUGGHHH It makes me sick. She is no comparison to me. I am not only much better looking, but I am educated, compassionate and caring. I am not a cheating homewrecker. I hope they end up together. They deserve each other. Liars and cheaters...going around hurting people. Two peas in a pod. Makes me sick.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I did all those things for my wife and more. I miss doing those things for her. Seeing her smile would light up my day. I made a mistake by being overly flirtatious, however I never crossed the line nor would I. Sometimes when she beat me down to the ground and would make me feel worthless I would imagine what it would be like to be with someone else, I would even look at dating profiles and every time I tried to imagine myself with anyone else, the only person I could see myself with was her. In other words I'd look but I couldn't nor wanted to ever take it beyond that. Do you think that is a possibility with him as well? I guess only he knows, however from what you've said in this forum, and what you know. I doubt that was the case. I think it is human nature to look, to wonder, however it's what's truly in your heart and what you actions display that speak about who and what we are and what we really stand for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> @ Bryane ... Maybe your wife is using that email as an opportunity to leave. People sometimes have to justify their actions. You need to go dark (180) on her. No contact whatsoever. She wants out let her go. Sometimes problems are manufactured to get somebody where they want to be. My wife told me we were growing apart. What I said? Turns out she was right in the middle of an EA. Tells her self these things to justify it in her own mind.


I have often wondered that myself, however I have no solid proof or even the slightest bit. If she was, she should be honest. It would make everything much easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

For some reason, your hurt state of mind thinks that you need him. YOU DON'T NEED HIM. In fact, you don't even need a man to feel good about yourself. At this moment, you are broken and confused, and he sees how vulnerable you are, and goes in for the kill.
Your son is right. You also need to stand up for yourself. There are other men out there. Of course you can find someone else to spend the night with. Go do something with your family, spend a day out, get away, get your mind off this man. Once he sees he's nothing to you, he'll keep trying, and then he'll get the idea. You don't want him, and you never will. He's dead to you. 
You need to work on your feelings, perhaps start keeping a journal, write in it when you feel tempted to go out with him. As soon as he calls, leave your house and go to the movies or go spend time with your children, make yourself unavailable. Protect yourself from those who hurt you, if you don't, who will?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I am going to send him an email this morning and then cutt off all contact. I am going to block him from my phone and everything. He was so shocked when I told him I knew he was "friends" with Tracy again on Facebook. She was the very first one he betrayed me with. He kept telling me that he did it and "liked" her pictures in order to gain her trust so she would call him. Then he chewed her out on the phone for helping to destroy our marriage. That in istelf doesnt make sense. IF all he wanted to do was chew her out, he could have sent her a message. Also, why would he STILL be friends with her 3 weeks later. HE kept asking how I found out. He wanted to know if she sent me a message or something. It was like he was hiding something from me. Then I asked for her phone number. He regused to give it to me. Why? If he truly hates her and already chewed her out, why would he care if I called her? Why would he protect the woman who helped to ruin our marriage? I know why. Because all of the above is a lie. HE is friends with her because he was lonely and reached out to her. He "liked" her pictures because he liked her pictures. He had been and still is talking to her. That is what I think. My husband and I started out talking on the phone about it and then he would only text. Why? So he had time to respond and I couldn't catch him off guard.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

FORGIVE YOURSELF for marrying him. Forgive yourself for sleeping with him. When you KNOW better, you DO better. Now you know what a manipulative POS he is, you won't be fooled again!

Instead of focusing on the charm, the phony facade of the person you THOUGHT you were getting, concentrate on what an ACTUAL LOSER he is...



> He said it was all a ploy to get her to trust him enough to talk to him on the phone so he could tell her how she had helped ruin our marriage and that he never wanted to talk to her again.


Really? That's his explanation!  My God, is that man LAME! :rofl: It's a good thing I was ALREADY lying down, because otherwise I would have FALLEN DOWN LAUGHING! Oy, what an IDIOT!


*


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Ya, that was his explanation. Doesn't even sound reasonable, does it? He thinks I am a total idiot. No, I am fkg brilliant or I wouldn't have managed to catch him the last time. The problem is that he has always underestimated me. He is used to dealing with women of lesser intelligence. I am not bragging, but I am smarter than a whip. I am tenacious when I am searching for information. I demand the truth. It doesn't matter whether it is good or bad, I must know the truth. I can not and will not live with a lie.

I am going to make a list of all of the bad things that he has done and keep them to read when I get weepy again. It is coming, I know, even after all of this, it is coming.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I am going to send him an email this morning and then cutt off all contact. I am going to block him from my phone and everything. He was so shocked when I told him I knew he was "friends" with Tracy again on Facebook. She was the very first one he betrayed me with. He kept telling me that he did it and "liked" her pictures in order to gain her trust so she would call him. Then he chewed her out on the phone for helping to destroy our marriage. That in istelf doesnt make sense. IF all he wanted to do was chew her out, he could have sent her a message. Also, why would he STILL be friends with her 3 weeks later. HE kept asking how I found out. He wanted to know if she sent me a message or something. It was like he was hiding something from me. Then I asked for her phone number. He regused to give it to me. Why? If he truly hates her and already chewed her out, why would he care if I called her? Why would he protect the woman who helped to ruin our marriage? I know why. Because all of the above is a lie. HE is friends with her because he was lonely and reached out to her. He "liked" her pictures because he liked her pictures. He had been and still is talking to her. That is what I think. My husband and I started out talking on the phone about it and then he would only text. Why? So he had time to respond and I couldn't catch him off guard.



pppfffttt.....your husband is a self centered head case.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I have been trying to do good things, go out, etc. There are just times, at least once a day, when I lose my mind. I either am full of rage or tears, sometimes both. This so sucks.


grab a pistol...learn to shoot...go to the gun range... 

shooting is part of my job...but doing it on the side...

go shooting...trust me on this...you want an outlet...empower yourself with a skill...it strengthens your body mind and soul....

do this...trust me...


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I have to get ready for church. All three of my children, 19, 17 and 16 are going with me and then we are going to my mom's house, an hour away, to celebrate Christmas. It will be the first time in a long time that I have had all three with me in church. It will be good. I have to get the heck out of this town for a while. I will check back in tonight when I get home. Thank you to all of you for being there for me and listening/advising me. I am so glad that I found this forum and you. It is kinda like going to group counseling, except that we are not restricted to once a week group sessions. It has been wonderful for me. Thank you.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Hey Stella:

I know how to shoot. I grew up at the gun range. I have my Concealed Handgun License. I carry a gun almost everywhere I go. I have three handguns and several shotguns and rifles in my home. Before I moved here about 10 months ago, I owned a farm in the country. We used to target shoot and skeet shoot for fun. All of my kids grew up shooting and are very good shots. My daughter is the best at skeet. She can pick them all off.

I do need to go to the range again. If anything, I need to practice with the gun I carry again. It is a great idea and very relaxing to me to shoot. 

Thanks Stella!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Hey Stella:
> 
> I know how to shoot. I grew up at the gun range. I have my Concealed Handgun License. I carry a gun almost everywhere I go. I have three handguns and several shotguns and rifles in my home. Before I moved here about 10 months ago, I owned a farm in the country. We used to target shoot and skeet shoot for fun. All of my kids grew up shooting and are very good shots. My daughter is the best at skeet. She can pick them all off.
> 
> ...



and "I" my dear...need to get back to church! 

I'm having a hard time thinking about going back...because my stbxh was always by my side...I just can't do it right now...but I should be...irregardless..because I know it's not about 'him'...it's about HIM... ;')


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Stella, 
I know what you mean. After the second time he cheated, I quit going to church completely. I just couldn't bear it. I started going back after we separated. I was by myself that day becuase my daughter was at her dads. The night before had been traumatic for me because he kept hounding me because he knew I was alone. I went to the alter to pray (Methodist) and this woman I dint even know put her arm around me and started praying for me. I can not tell you what that meant to me. Since then, this lady and I have coffee together on Tuesdays. 

Oh, and when I go to church, I dont sit on the same side I used to. I sit on the other side on purpose. I am ALL about doing things differently now. I know I have flashbacks easily so I avoid things that are going to cause them.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I try and do things differently too..but I'm just not ready to go to church...I need more strength...I know that's where I'm sposed to get it...i know i know...but I really just can't do it. It will set me back...I just got to do this divorce thing right now...and keep working my job...and try and pay these bills...it's hard for me to come across a sermon on tv...i'm so filled with anger and resentment yet...some aspects and parts of me need to calm down to i am able to listen to "Him"... not that I don't try...I'm just so damn pissed...


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Stella,

I completely understand what you are talking about. Why do you think I stopped going to church when he cheated on me the second time? I wa so angry, yes partially at God for allowing this to happen to me. The thought of going to church was very painful, and I just couldn't do it. Don't think I judge you for this, because I don't. I completely understand. Right now, church is where I need to be.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Oh, and the pastor preached on forgiveness today. I looked at my son and said, "I'm not anywhere near that". We both had to chuckle. Honestly, I know at some point in my life I will have to forgive him or it will eat me alive. Right now, I don't see that happening for a few years, if then.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I sent my stbxh the following text this morning and then blocked him from my phone:

"This is much easier if you find reasons to be angry with me. What you should be, is angry with yourself. It was never ok to go outside of our relationshi to solve problems or become emotionally involved with tracy (First affair). It was not ok that you got back involved with her recently. It was not ok that you took your ring off and told your exwife that you loved her. (2nd affair). You wanted to be with her. Don't blame wanting to be with her on wanting to be with your daughter. That is BS. You told me that your ex was your BEST FRIEND. You wanted your BEST FRIEND back. This is the truth. You went back to Tracy again recently because you were lonely and wanted her company. You know what? I'm done. I'm bitter and grief-stricken at the same time. You just go and do whatever you want to do because I am not going to live like this anymore.


Then my freind sent this to me. It was what an investigator told her after they sentenced her husband to prison for molesting their daughter...

Thats how they are in their sick minds. They think they have done nothing wrong. Don't keep trying to convince him hes wrong or wonder why he acts like he has no remorse. You know the truth. Don't waste any more thought on him. If we can understand why they do what they do then we would be as sick as they are. The fact that we can't understand their actions should make us proud that we can't understand or reason with a sick mind or their sick actions...work on your healing not convincing him of his wrongs. Save your enegry to heal. If we can't understand their sick way of thinking then we are normal and should be thankful that we have not been blinded by Satan and that God allows us to see the right from wrong that they have chosen to do. They can't see it and blame others because they are SICK.

This was so helpful to me this morning. I am going to print ot out and put it on my mirror.


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## jp787 (Dec 29, 2012)

Betrayedwife and Stella Moon,
I am a male and I believe I have BPD and what you all say is so true. I am fighting for my marriage as I type. The fear of loss is what woke me up and I have changed 180 degrees to keep my marriage. With that said, all that you say is true! I am losing what I have had and am scared senseless. If my wife said I won’t leave and will stay with you forever, I would probably go right back to how I was, not there emotionally and taking her for gradient. My vise was porn, hours and hours at the computer, not being there for my family. Controlling, jealous and self centered. I can’t blame my wife for wanting out. Over the last few months I have looked deep inside myself and saw a monster, I now feel horrible and want to change, want to fix myself. I want what I had but never saw since my eyes were always closed. What a waste, God allowed me to meet the perfect women and I wasted it, I destroyed her. I am coming to terms with who I am and that I need major help. I have bought self help books on BPD and am seeking a specialist as my current therapist does not specialize in BPD. I have a long road and I am selfish for trying to keep my marriage, yet I feel I see the light and even though it is far and dim, I want my wife more than anything in this world. I am offering this post as a males perspective and trying to start to be open and honest about me and who I am and change. I am miserable as is my wife. The sad part of this is, if I do fix or repair myself, my wife may not even want me, she is codependent and for whatever reason seeks out men like myself. That is the evil of this all. I grew up with major issues making me this way. My wife grew up with major issues that made her the way she is. We both are attracted to each other for those reasons and it makes a perfect storm. Kind of sick how it works. We feed off of each other. Well I hope this is of some help to someone.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

jp, 

If you are truly, BP then you are going to need a lot of help. I am saying this because this illness runs in my family and I know what it takes to overcome it. First, you need medication. That comes from a psychiatrist. Then you need counseling, yes specializing in BP. Then you need marriage counseling to deal with the codependency stuff. As my daughter would say, Bipolar is no excuse for bad behavior. It can be helped with medication, but ultimately you are going to have to fight the demons every day. You have to choose this every day if you want to change...and you can.

I am glad that you have awaken from all of this and see the damage you have caused. You, and only you, have to make the choice to be different. This is going to be a very hard, long road, but you can do it if you choose. The question is, do you want it bad enough to go through all the pain of change? Do you want it bad enough to take full responsibility and stop blaming others for your bad behavior? It takes guts. It takes determination. Do you have what it takes? Are you deep enough into that pit that you have no other way to go?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

ok,so here is the latest update. I am a teacher so I had the past two weeks off for Christmas break. Two of my kids have spent the entire time with me. It has been wonderful. Their Dad picked them up yesterday afternoon. This is where the darkness begins to creep in for me. I am completely alone, and even if I go to do things, it gets darker and darker. From what I have found, Saturdays and Saturday nights are almost unbearable. Sunday mornings are good. I get up and go to church and I know that my daughter will come home. It is just today and tonight that I have to get through, especially tonight.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I sent my stbxh the following text this morning and then blocked him from my phone:
> 
> "This is much easier if you find reasons to be angry with me. What you should be, is angry with yourself. It was never ok to go outside of our relationshi to solve problems or become emotionally involved with tracy (First affair). It was not ok that you got back involved with her recently. It was not ok that you took your ring off and told your exwife that you loved her. (2nd affair). You wanted to be with her. Don't blame wanting to be with her on wanting to be with your daughter. That is BS. You told me that your ex was your BEST FRIEND. You wanted your BEST FRIEND back. This is the truth. You went back to Tracy again recently because you were lonely and wanted her company. You know what? I'm done. I'm bitter and grief-stricken at the same time. You just go and do whatever you want to do because I am not going to live like this anymore.
> 
> ...



_Wow_....

When we...you and I...and no doubt some others...think about it...it's so true...and we do..we get wrapped up in the 'whys' of it all and trying to convince our partners of the wrongs and get them to feel the remorse or to accept the responsibility and they can't.. they just...'can't...' They are sick. They are f'd up in the head. They live in denial partly because that's what they are comfortable doing...it gives them an 'out'...and the rest is our fault...it's our fault they made their choices...etc etc...

I sit here and write this and I just shake my head... I was really wrapped up with a moron.. I didn't even get closure...I wasn't even worth a phone call when he left...
so I'm choosing to 'make him own'... his abusive ways legally. I have an atty. helping me with that and going after his paycheck for damages and restitution and if he refuses to agree to come to an agreement I'm going to take him to trial for abuse/assault. I have decided to 'make him accountable' for how he treated me and what he has done. It's 'not' ok. I'm 'not' ready to 'forgive'...it's time for him to 'own it'... so I am going for it. Full boar. I'm not going to be a victim that has sat idelly by and will roll over in this divorce after 3 years of abuse and mistreatment. No..it's 'not' ok... this experience has caused me great grief and issues not to mention a broken bone...and other injuries...f'c that...it's not about loving him anymore... 
it's about restitution...getting my self respect back...owning what I had allowed...owning what he had done...AND closure...and yea...$$$ will 'help' me begin that healing process...yep. Not so much that tho...(even though he has left me financially destitute..did I mention he's out there applying for a new vehicle??? loan app denials coming in the mail) 
it's more about exposing him...for who he is...and what he's done. Lets put it in black and white... he will be served within the next couple of weeks...preliminary paperwork will be looked at this wed. he will be threatened with a civil suit for domestic abuse...and a threat for order for protection...also payment for the past two months worth of bills he's stuck me with or the garnishment of wages/court...ASAP... 
he will read this paper work...he won't be expecting this...
_he will literally piss right...where he stands...
_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> ok,so here is the latest update. I am a teacher so I had the past two weeks off for Christmas break. Two of my kids have spent the entire time with me. It has been wonderful. Their Dad picked them up yesterday afternoon. This is where the darkness begins to creep in for me. I am completely alone, and even if I go to do things, it gets darker and darker. From what I have found, Saturdays and Saturday nights are almost unbearable. Sunday mornings are good. I get up and go to church and I know that my daughter will come home. It is just today and tonight that I have to get through, especially tonight.


honey...I go through this as well.. 

I'm alone also... I go out to eat alone... I have 'very few' friends in this state and the ones i have are with someone...family...kids..blah blah.. i'm out on a lake by myself... I am also completely alone...I run errands alone...and yes it gets darker and darker for me also... 

I'm with you on this... like you wouldn't believe ...it's extremely difficult...


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Yanno, I have always been a little wild and crazy. I have lived life to the fullest and walked the edge a few times. I am perfectly sane though. Insanity is a disease, defect, or condition of the mind that renders one unable to understand the nature of a harmful act or the fact that it is wrong. I look around me, eyes wide open to the world, and see so much insanity. So little compassion for other people. So much lack of respect. They demand to have their own needs and desires met at the expense of everyone around them. So many people are selfish and cruel to the ones they most cherish. They are aware of what they are doing. The bad thing is that they do not even see these things as wrong. There is a fundamental lack of knowing right from wrong. They don't care because they don't get it. They try to say they are sorry for what they have done when they are confronted because they think that is what they are supposed to do. They aren't really sorry because they don't even understand, nor do they believe, that they did anything wrong. This insanity is rampant and encouraged and accepted by other insane people. There are very few people you can trust. People who you have known for years will suddenly join the darkness and encourage people not become better but to become worse. Why? They have no morals and could care less about another human being. It is sickening and frightening at the same time. 

Hey Stella, I saw this link on another post. Priceless!

The Forgiveness Imperative


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Betrayedwife, your last post was so dead on. I knew I was not the only one that thought these things 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

jp787 said:


> Betrayedwife and Stella Moon,
> I am a male and I believe I have BPD and what you all say is so true. I am fighting for my marriage as I type. The fear of loss is what woke me up and I have changed 180 degrees to keep my marriage. With that said, all that you say is true! I am losing what I have had and am scared senseless. If my wife said I won’t leave and will stay with you forever, I would probably go right back to how I was, not there emotionally and taking her for gradient. My vise was porn, hours and hours at the computer, not being there for my family. Controlling, jealous and self centered. I can’t blame my wife for wanting out. Over the last few months I have looked deep inside myself and saw a monster, I now feel horrible and want to change, want to fix myself. I want what I had but never saw since my eyes were always closed. What a waste, God allowed me to meet the perfect women and I wasted it, I destroyed her. I am coming to terms with who I am and that I need major help. I have bought self help books on BPD and am seeking a specialist as my current therapist does not specialize in BPD. I have a long road and I am selfish for trying to keep my marriage, yet I feel I see the light and even though it is far and dim, I want my wife more than anything in this world. I am offering this post as a males perspective and trying to start to be open and honest about me and who I am and change. I am miserable as is my wife. The sad part of this is, if I do fix or repair myself, my wife may not even want me, she is codependent and for whatever reason seeks out men like myself. That is the evil of this all. I grew up with major issues making me this way. My wife grew up with major issues that made her the way she is. We both are attracted to each other for those reasons and it makes a perfect storm. Kind of sick how it works. We feed off of each other. Well I hope this is of some help to someone.



wow...I didn't see this until now...
the BIGGEST thing I see here...THEE THING I see here that makes all the difference is OWNERSHIP...ownership and the 'want' to get help'...I commend you. I commend all that you are and all that your doing! Good for you! Wow...I would give up ...I don't know what'....if my husband could even acknowledge what you just did. 
Your awesome. Seriously...its a big deal...I guess I cannot stress that enough...and I sure hope your wife embraces your ownership and trying...because it would be worth it for her to do so in my opinion. Yep. :smthumbup:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Yanno, I have always been a little wild and crazy. I have lived life to the fullest and walked the edge a few times. I am perfectly sane though. Insanity is a disease, defect, or condition of the mind that renders one unable to understand the nature of a harmful act or the fact that it is wrong. I look around me, eyes wide open to the world, and see so much insanity. So little compassion for other people. So much lack of respect. They demand to have their own needs and desires met at the expense of everyone around them. So many people are selfish and cruel to the ones they most cherish. They are aware of what they are doing. The bad thing is that they do not even see these things as wrong. There is a fundamental lack of knowing right from wrong. They don't care because they don't get it. They try to say they are sorry for what they have done when they are confronted because they think that is what they are supposed to do. They aren't really sorry because they don't even understand, nor do they believe, that they did anything wrong. *This insanity is rampant and encouraged and accepted by other insane people.* There are very few people you can trust. People who you have known for years will suddenly join the darkness and encourage people not become better but to become worse. Why? They have no morals and could care less about another human being. It is sickening and frightening at the same time.
> 
> Hey Stella, I saw this link on another post. Priceless!
> 
> The Forgiveness Imperative


my stbxh learned/learns this behavior from his dad.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

soooo....I did it again. I spent most of the weekend last weekend with my stbxh. While we were sitting and talking Sunday morning, the other woman called. He had told me that he had told her off and there was no way that she would ever contact him again. I guess not! Come to find out, they have been talking all along AGAIN. Last night, I was dropping off my son, who lives around the corner from him. I drove by. Guess who was there? Yep, her. For some reason, I have wanted to believe that he could actually tell the truth for once. That will never happen. I can request my final hearing for the divorce on the 22nd. It can't come fast enough. I start individual counseling Thursday. I have to figure out what is wrong with me.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> soooo....I did it again. I spent most of the weekend last weekend with my stbxh. While we were sitting and talking Sunday morning, the other woman called. He had told me that he had told her off and there was no way that she would ever contact him again. I guess not! Come to find out, they have been talking all along AGAIN. Last night, I was dropping off my son, who lives around the corner from him. I drove by. Guess who was there? Yep, her. For some reason, I have wanted to believe that he could actually tell the truth for once. That will never happen. I can request my final hearing for the divorce on the 22nd. It can't come fast enough. I start individual counseling Thursday. I have to figure out what is wrong with me.


*I take a sip of coffee shaking my head and put the cup down....

We have already determined your co dependent. Uh...many if not the majority of us on here are. What you did is you 'tried' again. We try until we can't try anymore. Sometimes we need to start to follow...wait not sometimes A LOT OF TIMES. We need to start to follow our heads instead of our hearts. Your head knows this guy is a classic cheat and a liar. Your heart wants him to chose you....and become and honest family man...._riiiight_

Cold truth. IT'S NOT YOU! It's not going to be you! He prolly got into a fight with his posow or what have you...he felt you out and you fell for it. We've all been there. YOU DONE NOW? 

You've been reading TAM what's been working for those of us on the road to healing or trying to heal...myself included....180 and beginning the process of detachment ...divorce (not in all cases but most with cheaters/ abusers) IC ...reading...And sticking to the program. Refusing to get sucked back into the destructive vortex of bs. 
Stop kicking yourself for one. But damn woman...take the bull by the horns...take back your life. Change the locks...make some small changes...make some big changes but make some damn changes and stop being so afraid. It's not so bad out here. 

Today no one lied to me. No one put me down. No one called me names. No one turned their back on me. No one made me feel bad about myself. No one walked out on me. No one screamed at me. No one cheated on me.....
Don't you want to be able to say those things? The above are your basic human rights yanno....it's time to own them. 

As they say...woman up. 
Xoxo


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

LOVE YOU STELLA!!!!

I am really done. I just have to get my head straight. Hopefully, counseling will help. I realize that even though he did all this SH#t to me, there is a reason that I have tolerated what most normal people wouldn't. There is a reason that I have seen him a few times during this separation. I didn't do all this CRAP but I do have responsibility in why I allowed it to continue. I have to figure all of that out and make changes. I know this and hopefully counseling will help me get my act together so I wont continue to make the same mistakes.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> LOVE YOU STELLA!!!!
> 
> I am really done. I just have to get my head straight. Hopefully, counseling will help. I realize that even though he did all this SH#t to me, there is a reason that I have tolerated what most normal people wouldn't. There is a reason that I have seen him a few times during this separation. I didn't do all this CRAP but I do have responsibility in why I allowed it to continue. I have to figure all of that out and make changes. I know this and hopefully counseling will help me get my act together so I wont continue to make the same mistakes.


All I'm sayin is stop beating yourself up about it. 

But with that comes responsibility. YOU DO NEED TO STOP. You cannot stay on the same merrigoround and then complain about being dizzy. That's just stupid. Is it not? 

Your going to have your weak moments...but those aren't excuses anymore either. Own your crap. Pick yourself respect up dust your self respect off and put it back on.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I read this whole thread and its like your writing my story. Together we all can over come this co dependancy bs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Yes ma'am we can and I will. I have made a few stupid moves during this separation. I am not going to make them any more. I am going to concentrate on God, my family and getting my head on straight. I DO have responsibility in this. I didn't cheat or lie...no he did that. I allowed it though. I allowed him to take me to those dark places. I allowed it. I have to figure out what is wrong with me so that I do NOT repeat this mess ever again.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Army Of Me - Christina Aguilera (Lyric Video) - YouTube


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Army Of Me - Christina Aguilera (Lyric Video) - YouTube


I love the song. I can say that today no one lied to me. I have not talked to him in a few days. I completely cut off all communication. Even figured out how to block his emails. It was just upsetting to see that woman at his house last night. I should have never driven by there even though it was 1/4 a mile away from my sons house. I did not do it today when I dropped my son off. I was tempted but I didn't do it. I have to just let it go. He is going to do what he has always done no matter what I do, so I have to let it go. I want him to be sorry for all he has done but he will never be sorry because he doesn't understand what he has done is wrong. I have to let it go.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Sounds like my H..a serial cheater. He does as he pleases all the time..no consequences. It makes me sick to my stomach that i can still want a man who devalues me-discards me-and just belittles me at every turn. I gave him 4 children and no matter what he just doesnt care. He has now turned the tables to act as if im bothering him. Blocked all my email contact-txt msgs. And will not answer the phone. Very distant and cold. Sorry 4 the thread jack-i can just relate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I love the song. I can say that today no one lied to me. I have not talked to him in a few days. I completely cut off all communication. Even figured out how to block his emails. It was just upsetting to see that woman at his house last night. I should have never driven by there even though it was 1/4 a mile away from my sons house. I did not do it today when I dropped my son off. I was tempted but I didn't do it. I have to just let it go. He is going to do what he has always done no matter what I do, so I have to let it go. I want him to be sorry for all he has done but he will never be sorry because he doesn't understand what he has done is wrong. I have to let it go.


And not driving by and checking was a big deal for you wasn't it? And if you would have seen the car you would have felt crappy...and reacted...hence...don't go look! Right? Because your right...he's going to do his thing any way. You cannot control him. You cannot make him choose you. You cannot change his mind. You can only control how you handle your end. You know what a big deal it is you didn't go look? YOU took control...you were not controlled. You don't need to text or email him. Unless its child related 'specifically'...DON'T! And don't find excuses to do it either. Watch yourself on that. And no more falling for his reeling you in casting you out games...fishing...done. 
Boundaries. You really need to start listening to us...minute by minute. I had to do this too...I really had to get a grip also. I hated it yet it was liberating. 
I liked how often you said 'I have to let go'...I read a book called Don't call that man'...I can't think of who wrote it right now...I'm t work...but you should read it. Wow...it did help. Codependant no more made a big impact also. I can't remember if you said you read these. If not...you should. These books help women like us from 'acting out' on our emotion...for these ********* men of ours. Pool your resources and start getting stronger. _It's the only way your gonna make it. _


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Honestly, not driving by last night was hard. But the difficulty only lasted a few minutes until I got back home and then I was over it. If I had driven by like i did the other night, I would have run a gamut of emotions and cried and had probably a one hour meltdown. I saved myself from that by being strong for just a few minutes. We have no children together so there is no reason for any contact.

I have read many books on infidelity and PTSD from infidelity but I haven't read the ones you have suggested. The ones I read dealt more with the emotions of the moment. The ones you are talking about look like they deal with my part of this and how to change "me". I need that. They will be ordered TODAY.

I have a very busy day today. Church, picking up my daughter from a youth retreat and taking my youngest son to his dad's. (not my current husband). Then at some point, I have to go shopping for food. The busyness will help to keep me on track. Tomorrow will start off the work week. That is good because I have that to focus on. It is the weekends that suck more than anything.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> *I take a sip of coffee shaking my head and put the cup down....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can say these things today...and it feels GREAT.:smthumbup:


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Ok so much for that.......my stbxh is blocked from any communication so he shows up at my house tonight. I made him stay on the porch in the cold. He said the same old things...he won't hurt me, be mean to me or lie ever again...blah blah blah. Wants me to unblock him so we can talk. This is where he tries to reel me in...right? It will be hard not to unblock him tonight, to resist it, but I am not going to do it. Already decided. I am taking control. It will be hard tonight, but it will save me a lot of heartache. I am taking control of my actions and the results of my actions. This insanity is OVER...at least what I have control over.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

One small step at a time. 30 minutes at a time. Whatever, I'm moving forward...not backwards. No flip flops, no backsliding. NO MORE!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Goodluck to you! Tell him to kick rocks in gladiator sandels! Lol. Alot of us are behind you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Ok so much for that.......my stbxh is blocked from any communication so he shows up at my house tonight. I made him stay on the porch in the cold. He said the same old things...he won't hurt me, be mean to me or lie ever again...blah blah blah. Wants me to unblock him so we can talk. This is where he tries to reel me in...right? It will be hard not to unblock him tonight, to resist it, but I am not going to do it. Already decided. I am taking control. It will be hard tonight, but it will save me a lot of heartache. I am taking control of my actions and the results of my actions. This insanity is OVER...at least what I have control over.


ok so this was yesterday...I haven't heard from you...how are things...I like how you had him stand on the porch..lol talk about empowering...and yes he's trying to reel you in. 

You need to 'not' fall for the same ole song and dance...I mean c'mon...how can you possibly believe him? Especially at this stage? lmao?! He's done 'zero' heavy lifting...and 'you' are not strong enough for anything reguarding his antics...this is months of work within yourself and 'he' needs to f' off for a long while...this is my opinon... he needs to be without 'you'... he wanted out so bad...'kick that man to the curb'... give him a taste of his own medicine...

So...?? Where are you at??


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Just woke up this morning. I made it! I did not fall for his crap last night. He did not "reel me in". I did NOT unblock his number. I sat with my daughter and drank hot chocolate and talked to my son on the phone. Do you want to know something? It was only hard for a moment. I know too well where it will all lead if I "go there". I've done it too many times.

The divorce is close. Closer every day. I know that the divorce won't fix me, but it will be my final point of standing up to him. HE walked out on this marriage when HE betrayed me. HE walked out of this marriage when he took his ring off and told his ex he loved her. HE walked out of this marriage when HE talked to women on his work phone. HE was the mean one who isolated me and my daughter and berated us. He was the one with impossible demands. I DIDNT WALK OUT LIKE HE BLAMES ME FOR. I just said that I HAD ENOUGH. 

Where am I today? I am stronger. I own my own mind and my thoughts and there is no one around to screw with my head anymore. There is no one to try to tell me that this is all my fault. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Now ne can pay for what he has done to me and my children. He can hurt. He can be alone. He can do without me, the greatest wife in the world. 

I did a good job the last few days and I feel really good about myself.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I forgot to say that he tried to hug me last night. I just stood there, arms crossed. He asked if I didn't want him to hug me. I told him NO.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Betrayedwife said:


> I forgot to say that he tried to hug me last night. I just stood there, arms crossed. He asked if I didn't want him to hug me. I told him NO.


I hope i become as strong as you eventually. Im a husband in a situation like yours. Right now, if my wife walked through the door, id forgive her straight away. 

As i said though. Hopefully one day i can tell her to hit the road.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

rickster said:


> I hope i become as strong as you eventually. Im a husband in a situation like yours. Right now, if my wife walked through the door, id forgive her straight away.
> 
> As i said though. Hopefully one day i can tell her to hit the road.


I am not strong in the least. I put up with this stuff for 2 years. I fell for his manipulation over and over during our two month separation. I am just trying to be strong. I am trying to take up for myself and my family. This is hard, really hard. People who see it from the outside probably think...get rid of him...and what is wrong with you...they do not understand how hard it is. Strong? No, I am not strong. I am determined though. I AM going to get better every day.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Made it through another day IN CONTROL of my life. Spent the evening with two of my kids. My oldest comes over a few times a week to get a home cooked meal. Drinking hot chocolate. Love it. The more time goes by that I don't speak to my stbxh the clearer I think. 

Oh, and I got asked out by this super hot, buff man today. I am not anywhere near the point of even going out for drinks. Mentally, I am too screwed up, but it was nice to be asked. If I was mean, and I'm not, I should go out, take pics, and send him to that a$$hole. Then that image could burn in his mind like the images burn in mine. I'm not going to stoop to that level...but it sure would feel good for an instant... lol


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Still no contact. That is good. Had a great day at work. Tonight is a little difficult. The sadness and anger have really set in. I know I am just thinking too much about things, but how am I ever supposed to get better if I don't think about what has happened. I have to address it little by little somehow. It is really black and white. Either I ignore my feelings and keep completely busy so I don't feel a thing or I take the time to think about it some and get overwhelmed. Even when I try to avoid all this crap, I have nightmares so what does it matter?


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

It must be something in the air tonight. I feel the sadness and anger. I had two great days!? I dont have any empowering wrds tonite...just know ur not alone. :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Well, I'll tell you what's up...I just had this weird feeling all night, skiddish. Then he shows up at the door again. Of course I DID NOT LET HIM IN. He begs to work things out. He says that my kids are the reason I wont work things out. I said no it was the trust issues and the pain that he has caused. Maybe it is because he is a proven liar and compulsive cheater. Just maybe.

Before, when I was still talking to him a few weeks ago (he is still blocked now...phone, email, facebook), I refused to talk when the kids were around. He said that his counselor told him that it was my own way of hiding things. I got really mad. I told him to tell his fu%$ing psychologist that I am not hiding a [email protected] thing. I am protecting my children. It was my job to protect them and that I would not allow anyone to harm them again. HE has caused so much damage to me and them. Put them down. Told my daughter that she was sorry and always would be (she is a great kid). HE verbally abused her and physically threatened her. HE physically fought with my youngest son. Belittled my oldest. NO WAY IN HELL WILL HE EVER BE AROUND THEM AGAIN.

The NERVE of that man. He thinks that just because he demands that we work things out that I should do what he says. Not anymore. I am my own person and I have my own mind. Since I don't communicate with him, except when he shows up randomly at the door, my brain is a lot clearer.

Also, he made notice that he combed his hair nice for me so that I could see what I was missing...I said "yes, the drama". The next few weeks are going to be tough. He is unstabe and relentless. Good thing I know how to protect myself. Its pretty bad when my 16 year old daughter sleeps with me at night and I have a gun on the nightstand for protection. Tell me again, why was I missing him? I am traumatized, sad, depressed, angry and scared all at the same time. Why would I ever want that life back? I was an idiot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are afraid of him. Maybe you should send him an email or registered letter telling him to stay away from you. That if he comes to your place again you will take out a restraining order against him.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

The police are aware of everything that has gone on. I filed a complaint several months ago and about a month ago and gave them copies of the text messages. They know I have my concealed handgun license and encouraged me to keep my firearm on me. Of course that was before I was stupid and slept with him. I allowed him to screw with my mind again and I did that. I won't make that mistake again. I am going to take care of myself and protect my family. I have ran a range of emotions through this separation. Angry, depressed, confused, afraid, missing him, hating him. You name it. Done with that now. Only going to do what is right for me and my kids. I have read a ton of books, cut off all possible contact and start counseling in 2 days. I talk to my pastor and my former pastor. I can only go up from here. He jsut needs to stay away. Evil, evil, sick mean man.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are afraid of him. Maybe you should send him an email or registered letter telling him to stay away from you. That if he comes to your place again you will take out a restraining order against him.


I somewhat agree, however I wouldn't threaten anything. I would make it clear that you fear him and his behaviors. That you would appreciate if he would give you the time and space you need. Tell him if he wants to work things out that you need this time to yourself right now regardless. 

He needs to put in the work for himself before he can even remotely think about repairing your marriage. He needs to repair himself, It is not your job, you are afraid of him and his behaviors and he has done nothing to show you otherwise. 

He probably isn't capable of fixing himself anyways from what I've read here, however maybe if he understands this you will get the peace you so rightfully deserve. I pray that he has the decency to give you at least that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I am soooooooooo proud of you....so so proud....


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

My lawyer just called. He is drawing up the final paperwork. I should have a copy of them Tuesday or Wednesday. Once I approve it, he will set the court date. It looks like this will be over in 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 weeks. Bittersweet.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You sound so much like me, I’m in therapy right now, not to get over mstbxh, and I’m not even really angry with him any more ether. I want to know why I allowed it! What was in me to make me the weak person I became. I’m still back down on some things, yes I filed for divorce, yes I ignore his calls and messages but I don’t have the guts to tell him to stop making himself at home in the house. I leave my home all weekend just so I dont have to see him and deal with him. Good luck, it will get better, you will get stronger and hopefully I will get even stronger then I already have also. But when they manipulate you for years its very hard to not let them.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> You sound so much like me, I’m in therapy right now, not to get over mstbxh, and I’m not even really angry with him any more ether. I want to know why I allowed it! What was in me to make me the weak person I became. I’m still back down on some things, yes I filed for divorce, yes I ignore his calls and messages but I don’t have the guts to tell him to stop making himself at home in the house. I leave my home all weekend just so I dont have to see him and deal with him. Good luck, it will get better, you will get stronger and hopefully I will get even stronger then I already have also. But when they manipulate you for years its very hard to not let them.


I am going to therapy today!!! I have got to figure out why I allowed this to happen too. If my son does not come over this weekend, then I am getting the heck out of town. I am way too vulnerable to take the chance of being alone and my stbxh showing up. 

I can't worry about fixing him. I can only worry about fixing myself so that I never do this again.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Your on the right track then, better for you to do it now then 6-7 affairs latter and 35 years go by like me.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Also a note, keep a journal. I was reading an old one of mine last night and came across an entry of about 14 years ago. In it I wrote about an episode where My son was on the computer and said “mom dads email is up and there’s a bunch of emails from so and so and they are very personal ( a friend of mine). I said let me see them and he refused (he was a junior in high school. We got in a big fight because he didn’t want me to see them. I said Its my husband I have a right... and My son who is usually very cool and calm banged his fist on the desk and yelled and cried and said "this is my dad mom, this is my dad....and he's hurting my mom and he's choosing this woman over us" I don’t want to show you what this says..." 
I read that last night and said... how could I have taken him back after that.... now that same son has had the birth of his first child marred by the fact that his father was found having yet another affair and his parents divorcing two months before his baby was due. It not only affects young children’s lives it affects adult children, don’t let him do it to your children anymore. My stbxh is actually going for the first time this weekend to see his new grandson who is now 2 months old and my son has very mixed and torn feelings about it. If I had ended it 14 years ago he wouldn’t be going through this now.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Who knows why we do the things that we do...why we live in a fog and pretend, minimalize, think its our fault. I don't know. I am going to figure that out though. My husband cheated on me three times in the two years we were married. Of course, thats the only three I know about.

He has hurt my children. My daughter has serious trust issues with men and boys. Thank goodness we are very open with one another and we can talk about it. She has a lot of healing to do too. 

I am just glad that I have this site to go to when I get crazy.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

So my bff came to church with me today and she and amother friend and her kids came over for lunch. I love to cook for people.while we were in church my stbxh was texting my son to get me to contact him. My stbxh showed up at the house while I had company. My bff answered the door and told him I didn't want to talk. He sounded really angry. Then he managed to send me texts even though even though his number is blocked. Apparenly even if a number is blocked you can still send pics. He sent pics of us with "I miss this lady", "we need to talk" and then "I hate you!!!!!!"... Talk about UNSTABLE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

.ugh... I feel for you.... try to keep him away... don’t play the pull-push game with him so he knows where you stand. you either accept his behavior or you don’t. How did your therepy session go?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Not doing too well tonight. I called the police on my stbxh two times Tuesday night because he kept coming over to my house. The police surrounded my neighbor across the street but could never catch him. Wednesday morning, I got a text from him asking why I was afraid and that he was watching the police pass my house several times the night before. So, I guess he is stalking me. I went to bible study Wednesday night. He knew where I was and texted that he knew. Thursday I went to counseling. We talked about my fear and how to keep me and the kids safe this week. I work for a school district so I went to campus police this morning and told them of what has been happening. They are putting out an alert on him at my campus and my daughter's. 

He is sending my former pastor "psycho messages" as she says because she wont meet with him. He has arranged for counseling with my current pastor so I can see he is a changed man. Why my church? Why my pastor? There are plenty of churches around. 

Today, he texts telling me that I am a good woman and that he wants me to consider working things out. He will never lie to me or cheat on me again. He can fix this through counseling. How many times do I have to say no? Really? I don't respond but I cant stop the texts. Even though his number is blocked, picture mail still comes through.

Then I get a call from my attorney. They sent me the copy of the final paperwork. I approved it. Since my stbxh responded to the original divorce request, they are supposed to give him a 45 day notice. My attorney said he is going to try to set the final date sooner, but if my stbxh complains to the judge about time then it will be postponed. Also, my attorney said February will be difficult to get a court date because the judge will be on vacation for part of the month.

I am just not handling all this well. I stay paranoid and afraid. I am still sad about all of this too. The nightmares. The anger. Having to talk to police who wont help. Embarassment of having to tell the police at work. The attorney. The courts. Its just too much for me to handle. 

Taking the kids on a "field trip" tomorrow. I have to get out of here.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds very unpleasant and I feel for you. Actually sounds like you handling it pretty well externally though. I know internal is different sometimes but I don't think a caring person could feel otherwise in your situation. If your mind is set don't let him manipulate, that's the only reason I can think of for your church and your pastor.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

My daughter, 16, and I have been talking about moving back closer to our hometown and me commuting to work. This way, she could be back in a small school and out of the rough school where I work and she goes to school currently. It would also give my youngest son the opportunity to move back home with me since he is so miserable at his dad's house. I am personally ok living where we are, but I moved to this area because of my stbxh and I pretty much gave up everything and took away all my children knew to make this move for him. I don't want to move but I would do so to give my kids some security and familiarity back. I think I owe them that much. 

Most parents move and the kids have to adjust. My situation was a little different. My stbxh made me and my kids leave our home of 18 years in an attempt to isolate and control us. He kept us away from our friends and family. The kids and I are in our own home now but my daughter is still scarred from it all. She sees this town as a reminder of him, especially since he still lives here. She wants out. 

So...I had dreams of moving last night. Dreams of looking at slums trying to find a three bedroom place I could afford on a teacher's salary in towns I dind't want to move to. Then, in the middle of the night, he is sending me picture texts of photos of me and him saying how mich he misses us. uuugggghhh


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I’m praying for you, It sounds so tuff but you will get through it. I too am experiencing a lot of fears and nightmares right now and you just have to wonder how much longer can it all go on. I’m trying to keep in mind the promises of a better future, a plan for me that is "for my good and not evil".


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