# Separate sleeping. Is it really so bad?



## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

My fiance and I have been sleeping separately for a while and I am not disturbed by this but he voices his dislike of the arrangement sometimes.

This started off because I am light sleeper and he likes the tv on. He also snores like a pack of bears. Now he has an earlier work schedule and needs to his alarm set to 2 am to get there on time. 

From my previous relationships, I never recall liking it very much sharing the bed. In fact, it really made me turned off by my partner. I am a bit socially claustrophobic and need some amount of personal space but I like cohabiting and having someone I love to come home to. 

I have recently purchased a twin bed to put in a spare room so that my fiance could sleep in the big bed and I would have the option to sleep across the hall if I was disturbed by his sleep habits. He has been sleeping on the couch. I am trying to compromise. 

Is separate sleeping really so bad? 

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Separate sleeping when you live together but before you are even married?
What happens when you marry,separate houses?
This isn’t going to end well,take my word for it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Never live apart, never sleep apart.

Ever joined at the hip.

I am exaggerating, each person needs some space, some time apart.

Now on your loins?

If they are apart, they get lonely, get itchy.
If they don't, you are not together, are apart.

A pair, apart, not One.

Just Sayin'

The Typist-


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If he snores and keeps her up he's got to get help for that. 

Unfair to ask her to sleep next to him if he's keeping her up with his snoring.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I guess it is OK if it works for you guys. For me, I deeply value the bonding we get from sleeping together every night. Cuddling. Skin-on-skin contact. Having the person you most love in the world in your arms ever night. I would never want to give that up.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

We have sex a couple times a week, btw.

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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

No issue with separate sleeping if there is mutual agreement. If it causes discord then you need to working it out. Similar to the different love languages. Some people need to be touched or even smothering some need physical space. If two opposites attract then need to understand the needs of each and figure out how to meet them. 

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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I know a few couples that sleep in different rooms. it works for them because they BOTH prefer it. Since your partner does not like separate arrangements it may not work out for you. WE can't really say, it all depends on how strongly each of you feel about it and how much you both are willing to compromise.

For my wife and I, we sleep better when both in the same bed. When I have to travel for work I arrange the hotel pillows beside me so it almost feels like she is there. She does the same with our pillows. We have a king size bed but all night long some part of our torsos are touching.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What matters is what matters to the two of you.

It would not work for my wife and I. I can't imagine being more than a friend if you continue sleeping in a separate room.

However, some couples sleep on separate sides of the bed, and barely touch each other. Some couples sleep spooning each other. I guess separate rooms might work if both of you were content with that. What works for each couple is what works for both of the people in the couple.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he wants you in the same bed then he needs to stop watching tv,and if he snores on his back then there are things you can buy that will stop you being able to sleep on your back. 
We don't have TV in the room and although my husband sometimes snores when he is on his back,I just make sure he turns over and all is well. Also if he over weight he needs to loose some of that as that will make him snore.
We are pretty different in that when I go to sleep I remain in the same position and dont move till I wake up. I also dont snore, but I do read before I sleep so have a book light so as not to disturb him. He moves around A LOT, and snores but after a while you just get used to it. We also go to bed at different times as he is more of a lark and I am more of an owl but it doesnt cause any issues with being in the same bed.

We recently had separate beds for about 4 weeks because I was so ill with the flu,but we both felt it's important for us to share a bed.#

Also once you have children there often isn't a spare room anyway.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Thanks, Diana. I am not sure I want kids. I have body image issues and am grossed out by the idea of delivery, breast feeding etc. Plus, then there's the whole raising them "right" and how it impact my career. Yeah, that is a whole can of worms.

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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Very bad idea. The distance between you will grow in day-to-day interaction. The fact that you're even considering it makes me think that you shouldn't get married to him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> My fiance and I have been sleeping separately for a while and I am not disturbed by this but he voices his dislike of the arrangement sometimes.
> 
> This started off because I am light sleeper and he likes the tv on. He also snores like a pack of bears. Now he has an earlier work schedule and needs to his alarm set to 2 am to get there on time.
> 
> ...




- I can see your point. Mrs.CuddleBug snores like a bear and I have to constantly nudge her in bed to stop. I even have a stationary fan on all night as white noise which does help. But she snores loudly and I can't get a good nights sleep. I have thought about sleeping in our other room as well. I am a heavy sleeper so not much wakes me up unless its loud, Mrs.CuddleBug snoring.....she is a light sleeper and has never complained about me waking her up throughout the nights (she sleeps soundly) but she says I supposedly snore loudly, which makes no sense at all. If I snored, she wouldn't sleep.....


- You can buy nose clips that open the nasal passageways so you don't snore. Cheap and at local grocery stores.


- If it wasn't for the snoring, I could not sleep in a different bed away from my wife. That's messed up. You love each other, getting married, that means lots of physicality, cuddling, sex, warmth of each other in the same bed.


- Sleeping in separate beds / bedrooms when getting married is a recipe for disaster. You don't do this unless you're roommates.


- Maybe you should call off the wedding and be single? And when you're really ready to get married, then get married.


- You're starting off the marriage badly.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

I would be ready to get married to someone who accept that I don't want to sleep in same bed. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> Thanks, Diana. I am not sure I want kids. I have body image issues and am grossed out by the idea of delivery, breast feeding etc. Plus, then there's the whole raising them "right" and how it impact my career. Yeah, that is a whole can of worms.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


OK, so does he want children?


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> OK, so does he want children?


He says no and then sometimes maybe. I think we're on the same page. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> He says no and then sometimes maybe. I think we're on the same page.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


You need to sort that out before you get married. If you are sure about not having them and he thinks he may, then that will cause massive issues.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

I am 33. So there's that. 

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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

My ex-wife insisted on this and it was in fact bad. It was a symptom of much bigger problems and she ended up cheating on me and we got a divorce. That being said I also like some space when sleeping. Sometimes I toss and turn and it bothers me sometimes having someone right next to me. I think part of this was simply the fact I got used to sleeping alone when I was married to my Ex. In my current marriage I had to get used to sleeping in a one bed again, but now it really doesn't bother me. My wife says I snore sometimes so I just told her to go ahead and push me and that typically shuts me up at least for a while. She also told me she would be super upset if we didn't sleep together so sleeping separately is out of the question.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> I am 33. So there's that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


In what way ?


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> In what way ?


Getting too old to have a healthy child. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> Getting too old to have a healthy child.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


I know many women who had a child in their late 30's and 40's. You have several years to go yet.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I know many women who had a child in their late 30's and 40's. You have several years to go yet.


 damn

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Really this is going to be something you and your fiancé need to decide. For me it would be an automatic deal breaker. Hell I won’t even have a king sized bed ever again because I believe in having my partner close.

I think you are very wise to be discussing and working this out now before marriage instead of waiting till after.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Wolf1974 said:


> Really this is going to be something you and your fiancé need to decide. For me it would be an automatic deal breaker. Hell I won’t even have a king sized bed ever again because I believe in having my partner close.
> 
> I think you are very wise to be discussing and working this out now before marriage instead of waiting till after.


We have been together for seven years. Anything is worth working on. I am willing to keep an open mind.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> damn
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


You must discuss things like children now before you marry.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

- 33 years old for a woman isn't old at all. In fact, 30's is the peak for the ladies, were as us guys its our 20's.


- When men hit 30, we start to go downhill and when we hit 40, we really start to go downhill fast.


- Women hit their peak in their 30's and then go downhill after that, 40+.



- Why not go to a local furniture store, like The Brick, and buy a new bedroom set?


- You could buy a King or even bigger California King sized mattress with bed frame. That would give you both enough room to yourselves sleeping in the same bed. Problem solved.


- See how easy that was?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> - 33 years old for a woman isn't old at all. In fact, 30's is the peak for the ladies, were as us guys its our 20's.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That does not fix the snoring. I would think maybe looking into a c-pap machine but I wouldn’t want to snuggle with someone wearing head gear either :/


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> damn
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


Buying maternity clothes at 38... Before mail order. Brrr


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is something you both need to be happy about. Your partner isn't happy about it so you need to discuss ways that sharing a bed will work for both of you. To start with he needs to stop watching tv in bed if it keeps you awake, and once his alarm goes off he needs to get straight up, no snoozing it at that time of the morning. You'll get used to the alarm going off and mostly sleep right through it.

Personally, separate rooms wouldn't work for me, I like my husband holding my hand while I fall asleep, lol.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Really this is going to be something you and your fiancé need to decide. For me it would be an automatic deal breaker. Hell I won’t even have a king sized bed ever again because I believe in having my partner close.
> 
> I think you are very wise to be discussing and working this out now before marriage instead of waiting till after.


For us a king bed is the only way to go, when we stay at hotels I always choose the king room but the times we are staying somewhere with no choice then sleeping in a smaller bed just reinforces why we need a king size. 
We fall asleep wrapped up together but during the night I need space, he tends to want to cuddle all night but it impacts my sleep.


As for the OP IMHO sleeping in different beds is a sign of a disconnected relationship. Better to sort out the sleep issues such as snoring etc and sleep in the same bed. Simply moving to another room is a way to ignore problems.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

What has he done to address his snoring?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I had a friend tell me once that his sex life greatly improved when he and his long time girlfriend got separate beds. His was in Atlanta and hers was in Mobile Alabama.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> For us a king bed is the only way to go, when we stay at hotels I always choose the king room but the times we are staying somewhere with no choice then sleeping in a smaller bed just reinforces why we need a king size.
> We fall asleep wrapped up together but during the night I need space, he tends to want to cuddle all night but it impacts my sleep.
> 
> 
> As for the OP IMHO sleeping in different beds is a sign of a disconnected relationship. Better to sort out the sleep issues such as snoring etc and sleep in the same bed. Simply moving to another room is a way to ignore problems.


Different strokes for different folks. Didn’t work for me going from a queen to a king. Never again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not even married and already down to twice a week. And not even sleeping together. This would be a deal breaker for me. He’d be wise to cut bait while he’s ahead. 


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If someone is determined to stay together despite a disappointing sex life, then sleeping apart is easier for the HD. Less painful to be apart than to be right next to someone who doesn't desire you as much as you desire them.

However, I think for most HDs in the long run they are better off sleeping together and allowing the increased pain to motivate themselves to either fix the sex or leave the relationship.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> If someone is determined to stay together despite a disappointing sex life, then sleeping apart is easier for the HD. Less painful to be apart than to be right next to someone who doesn't desire you as much as you desire them.
> 
> However, I think for most HDs in the long run they are better off sleeping together and allowing the increased pain to motivate themselves to either fix the sex or leave the relationship.


This is not my case because we get in on frequently. 

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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

The issue is getting quality sleep. And finding a way that we can both be happy and comfortable. 

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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Then separate sounds better to me. I snore. Tried all sorts of machines. My wife gets her best sleep when we are not in the same room.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> This is not my case because we get in on frequently.


I'm sure sex is great now--it always is at the start--but that will likely decrease as time goes on. I'm sure you don't feel that way now, but there are 1000's of threads here where that same thing happened. Some of those threads are from the spouse who lost interest, and they say "I used to want it all the time, but I've totally lost my drive." This especially happens after having kids! So do not make any assumptions about future sex based on today sex.

The problem with sleeping apart is that it means you're reducing the opportunities for physical contact. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but you'd have to be sure to make an extra effort to ensure there's enough contact. You may even have to make the effort when you don't want to. When times are tough (and they will be), it will be very easy to retreat to your own rooms and you'll drift farther apart. 

What I might instead suggest is that you go to bed together, but you move to another bed if he wakes you up. And he should go to sleep without the TV. He might also want to get tested for sleep apnea, since that's often a cause for snoring.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Not even married yet and can't stand sleeping with this poor man. I don't know you so this isn't meant as too sharp a poke... but you sound like a spoiled princess and he's a hard-working pauper. You two sound like "friends with benefits" more than fiancees. And if you definitely don't want kids, but he's a sometimes maybe.... He's gonna want kids. In 10 years of separate beds and no children he is going to leave you for a younger woman that adores him and wants a family. 

My wife, and the one before, and every long-term serious partner before them, was my teddy bear. My woobie. My woman, and my partner. We would work hard all day, go to class, see our friends, and come home to each other to tell about our day's adventures and enjoy each other's company. I like the fan at night and she doesn't. She stays up reading by a light and I like it dark. I sleep naked and she wears PJ's. But none of that matters as long as I can feel her next to me when I wake up at 2am. Spooning, butt-to-butt, leg over leg or my hand reaching out to touch her thigh - as long as I know she's there it feels like home.

I think he's happy that he's getting some from his pretty girlfriend. But I don't think you're marriage material.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> This is not my case because we get in on frequently.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


You live together,you are engaged and you have sex twice a week.
That is not frequently, at this stage you should be going at it like rabbits.
And you say you are too old to have a healthy baby at thirty three.My girlfriend gave birth last year she was thirty three,my mom was forty two when she had me.
To be honest you don’t seem very concerned about this lack of affection.you seem downright lackadaisical in actual fact.If what you are writing is true then I would advice you to seriously contemplate staying single,have a fwb relationship with someone and let your fiancé marry a woman who wants to share her life with him.


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## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

It is hard to go deep to be frank. Seven years is a long time when you are "young". We have been through a lot together. We have had issues involving physical, verbal and financial abuse. (No woman loves that. Not in her right mind.) I left for a time and a little over a year later, I feel we are stronger. 
Maybe my guard is still up.
Understandably. I used to cry myself to sleep because he wouldn't come to bed. He wanted to withhold affection because I didn't like his freeloading friend living with us (for 5 years). 

I Have asked for a received input here and I am grateful. I guess I will have to take it to the man. 

Thank you.

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

ladyphoenix84 said:


> It is hard to go deep to be frank. Seven years is a long time when you are "young". We have been through a lot together. We have had issues involving physical, verbal and financial abuse. (No woman loves that. Not in her right mind.) I left for a time and a little over a year later, I feel we are stronger.


That sounds really rough. I hope you don't take the advice here too hard. We are seeing lots of red flags that will make your marriage all that harder. Marriages struggle to succeed even in the best situations. You are definitely starting out with some challenges before you. Not to say it can't be done, but it's not going to be easy. Both of you will need to be committed to working through the issues in a loving, supportive way if you want the marriage to last.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Don't let any of these yahoos tell you that what works for you is a bad idea.

Our compromise, where I am the light sleeper, is to always start the night in the same bed. If I make it through the night, great. If not, I can always shuffle off to the pouting room after she's fallen asleep, no foul.

All of the intimacy with very little lost sleep.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I couldn't marry a pouty sissy-sleeper. I toss, turn, snore, spoon, turn my back, poke you with a good dream.. If you can't ride the waves you better stay on the beach chair baby!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> I couldn't marry a pouty sissy-sleeper. I toss, turn, snore, spoon, turn my back, poke you with a good dream.. If you can't ride the waves you better stay on the beach chair baby!


Not everyone who can't sleep though extreme snoring is a "sissy sleeper". OP says he snores. It can be a big problem. Chronic and severe sleep deprivation can be really really bad for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Don't let any of these yahoos tell you that what works for you is a bad idea.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Surviving sexual incompatiblity
https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...iage.com/showthread.php?t=407193&share_type=t

All of the intimacy? Really?



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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Surviving sexual incompatiblity
> https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...iage.com/showthread.php?t=407193&share_type=t
> 
> All of the intimacy? Really?


Q: In what parallel universe do any of the sexual issues in my marriage stem from my needing to occasionally get up a 2 AM and finish my night's sleep in another room? 

A: Not a damn one.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> That does not fix the snoring. I would think maybe looking into a c-pap machine but I wouldn’t want to snuggle with someone wearing head gear either :/
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Took me seconds to find this........tah dah.

https://www.withoutsnoring.com/anti-snoring-nasal-devices-which-ones-work/


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Took me seconds to find this........tah dah.
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.withoutsnoring.com/anti-snoring-nasal-devices-which-ones-work/




Mmmmmm....sexy 🤣


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> That does not fix the snoring. I would think maybe looking into a c-pap machine but I wouldn’t want to snuggle with someone wearing head gear either :/


My wife snores sometimes. Using silicon-based ear plugs solved that problem for me.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I snored and the CPAP was not an acceptable treatment.

Fortunately, an oral insert solved the problem. I say fortunately because "snuggle time" has always been part of the glue that bonds us. For us, there simply is no substitute for direct physical contact at bedtime.


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