# need a sanity check please...



## Gemma13 (Aug 14, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

I am new to the forum and am in desperate need of a sanity check. 

I have been married 12 years and we recently had our first baby. We've always been very close, worked together from home for 10 years until he got an outside job about 2 years ago, which requires long hours and a long commute. Throughout our marriage there has been nothing but trust, love and respect and he has been an excellent husband. Until. About 2 months ago, his behavior all of a sudden changed, like overnight. He was suddenly unavailable, staying overnight at work more frequently, irritable, rude, agitated, etc. etc. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what-this went on for 2 months. Eventually I figured it out and sent him an email saying that I knew what he was doing, and it was time to fess up and that I wanted to save our relationship. I wanted him to have time to gather his thoughts so he could admit to it instead of just denying. 

So he came home and after about 3 hours of silence, finally admitted to it. A random meeting in a fast food joint that led to texting and later sex. I can see from the phone bill that many nights it was late night calls, which leads me to believe that the number of times they had sex was limited (otherwise he would have been with her, not on the phone with her at 1am). He says it didn't mean anything and doesn't even know her last name. He claims to have ended it the day he got the email from me, and deleted her number from his phone. 

I really believe this happened from a combination of us not having sex for 7 months due to the pregnancy and giving birth to new baby plus working long days, evenings and weekends, basically a joyless, stressful life. 

I decided early on to ask only a limited number of questions in order to protect myself from triggers and creating horror movies in my mind. 

My approach (this is where I need the advice) is that I really don't want to dwell or think about it. I don't want to sweep it under the rug, I just want to focus on the future and moving forward. So far I have been remarkably good at controlling my thoughts and not letting myself become upset by imagining details. Instead, I remind myself that a bad thing happened but it's over now. Plus I have a baby to breastfeed and look after, I cannot allow myself to go to pieces.

We have been talking (mostly I talk, he says very little) on the weekends, but he has not apologized yet. He did agree (before confessing to the affair) to take a weeklong retreat away to get away from work and have time to sort out his feelings, try meditation and yoga, etc. which is coming up in 2 weeks. He has always been a perfectionist, and I believe his reluctance to apologize is because he feels deeply shamed and disappointed in himself. 

I requested open access (which I have always had passwords, friend finder gps on iphone, etc.) but I have found I don't feel a loss of trust in him. I've known him for 12 years, and I still trust him, I think of this as a one off thing that happened. I don't know if there is something wrong with me to still trust him, I just do. 

I'm very logical, and just trying to keep my emotions at bay and use logic instead of emotion. Do you think this is possible, reasonable and OK? Or am I just kidding myself and I'm going to have a psychotic break any moment now? It's been 2 weeks.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

If he is not remorseful it is not a good sign. Avoiding it is not going to make it ok and is not going to make him stop. Just saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You're in the beginning stages. There are several cycles to work through. What has he done to show remorse? What consequences has he had for his affair?

Rug sweeping will not fix it and only encourage it to happen again. If you don't work through the stages of grief they will eventually come out on their own. The fastest way through grief is not to try to control it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gemma13 (Aug 14, 2013)

We have started reconnecting again, he's calling several times a day to chat.

I don't want to punish him, I want this to be over and past us. I can see his self esteem is at an all time low, and punishing him, or having power over him doesn't feel instinctively right to me. 

When we do talk, he mentions (mumbles) things like he doesn't think I could ever trust him again, how will I ever get past this, and has called himself a "lying cheating bastard" like he is disgusted with himself. 

I don't actually think he is not remorseful, I think he is just so disappointed in himself that he can't believe this happened. He also said he had "performance" issues as he was so overcome with guilt while the affair was going on.

I do believe him, and he has always been a man of strong character.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck the future, and phuck the past, you want to know what your old man is all about right here and know, and until he gets it, you will show him the up most confidence that you can and will let him go.....

I know you can't but don't tell any one.

the only control you do have is to let go....girl just let him go and he will be all over your sh!t.


when I cuaght my old lady screwing around , I smiled and wished her the best, started helping her pack and she just broke down!

All kinds of stuff like " I'll do anything" and sh!t like that...well there was a huge degree of submission that made me keep my old lady.

It's your terms now...he can sh!t or get off the pot....

YOU'LL NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN, UNLESS HE EARNS IT!

Mrs. the-guy took 3 years and she still has to do some demeaning crap....but that just how I'm wired!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Not always...

Its not about punishing or having power. Its about him demonstrating that he can be trusted again through action. You deciding to trust just because you want this over is a recipe for disaster. We all want it to go away. W want it to never have happened. It did happen and must be dealt with. Not dealing with it will only create more problems down the road. Think of this as an opportunity to place you as a couple that's closer than ever. To build a relationship that never has this issue again. Unfortunately its also an opportunity to make things worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Right now you're in the stage of grief called denial. Don't allow this to set the stage for rug sweeping. Even if it turns out you really don't want to know everything make it clear that he needs to answer honestly to any question. You want him to be a complete open book. You will also be an open book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Gemma13 said:


> he came home and after about 3 hours of silence, finally admitted to it. A random meeting in a fast food joint that led to texting and later sex. I can see from the phone bill that many nights it was late night calls, which leads me to believe that the number of times they had sex was limited (otherwise he would have been with her, not on the phone with her at 1am). *He says it didn't mean anything and doesn't even know her last name*. *He claims *to have ended it the day he got the email from me, and deleted her number from his phone.


It meant nothing to him and he didn't even know her last name? Sounds like a lie to me. Why lie if it's over?

He claims to have deleted her? Don't you think you should check to see if she actually has been deleted? And if he still is contacting her (at least as best you can by checking phone/email/facebook)?


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Hi Gemma, I remember reading stats somewhere that stated the most likely time for a man to cheat is when his wife is at the end stages of her pregnancy. 

I feel that women handle infidelity so much better than men, and you are proof of that! I wonder if it is due to the actual act of sex where a man has to deal with his wife receiving another mans sperm...


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

I just want to clarify a couple of things....

I can totally understand not wanting to know too much, especially the details of their sexual encounters. Others are different and need to know everything, but I was never that way with the ex-wife. For me, this tactic helped with the mind movies and triggers. Not wanting to know the details is NOT rug-sweeping.

Rug-sweeping is lying and covering up. He does not know her last name? Met at McDonalds? 

Surely this sounds fishy to you. It's probably someone at work who he is protecting.

Rug-sweeping is going on like nothing happened, no attempt to change, no remorse.

Rug-sweeping blindly trusting again. He needs to rebuild your trust in him by earning it every day over the course of years.

It could have happened like he said it did, but let me give you a MUCH more likely scenario. This is someone he knows from work. You gave him an afternoon to come clean, which gave him time to cook up this McDonalds story and warn his real affair partner. They talked about how you were on to him and need to cool it for a while. They also set some precautions for their communication (only through work or hidden email accounts, hidden chat apps, or burner phone).

Do not trust blindly and do not let your guard down.


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## Gemma13 (Aug 14, 2013)

Hmm, you give me a lot to think about. Work is very unlikely, as he is part owner and there are only a couple of women who work there, everyone knows me well, and it would just be really, really, really stupid. It would be very unlike him to do something so stupid, as he is very much a perfectionist and would not be willing to risk the gossip and workplace drama. Also, he hid the phone number in his phone-which was a dead giveaway-instead of a name, it was labeled ZZZ as the very last entry. 

He says he was at a fast food place and someone just handed him their phone number, which he then texted a few days later. The phone number was never on our phone bill prior to this. 

It's hard with the details, because I do want to know, but I realize that my only desire to know more is to torment myself. I looked up details of when he would have went to this fast food place (he sent me a text that night) so I know it started June 10th. I had to stop myself from then reviewing every text/calendar event/email and any other interactions I could recall to understand the lies and deceptions that took place each and every day since then. It's like my mind WANTS to put all the details together so I can torture myself. 

One of my original questions was did they go on dates, and he said they went to get food a few times. At first, this reassured me (that it wasn't an emotional affair) but then when I started thinking about some woman sitting in my seat, I totally lost it. So I know I don't need any further details, as this will not help with the recovery aspect. It's not like every time I get into his car, he's going to think, "gee, it was really cool when so-and-so sat there..." even though that's what I'll be thinking. So I don't want my whole world to devolve into that kind of thinking.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm a very creative person. I had to know every detail so my mind wouldn't fill in the blanks with worse. Having all of the details allowed me to have a realistic perception of the events. 

In your case you don't want ever detail digging at you. That's fine. Just don't allow him to rug sweep, and don't do it for him.

As far as him dating an employee being out of character... Wasn't cheating also out of character? You need facts. He cannot be allowed to protect his AP.


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## Gemma13 (Aug 14, 2013)

Yeah, I checked and the phone number was deleted from his phone. He doesn't use Facebook. 

The sex aspect doesn't bother me that much to be honest. I don't love it, but it doesn't haunt me. It's not affecting my self esteem in terms of my appearance. I've always believed that monogamy is difficult/challenging for men, and goes against nature. In fact, scientists are finding it harder and harder to find ANY animals that are monogamous. There are many animals thought to be monogamous but from DNA testing are finding that there was another baby daddy, so it's more of what's called social monogamy. 

While I was pregnant I started getting early labor and we were told not to have sex at all for the last 4 months, so it has been since November, plus one unpleasant attempt 6 weeks after. 

The worst part is the lies and deception. Plus he became like a total ******* overnight, and so for 2 months I could not understand why he had totally pulled away from me. I just want it all to be over. 

I don't want to spend months in counseling talking about the whys and the past; I want to take the time instead to look at the areas of our life that are not fulfilling and fix those. 

couldn't it be possible that I am just approaching this in a very logical manner, and not allowing my emotions to bring me down? I am terrified of depression, and very concerned about making breastmilk each day for my daughter. 

The other thing is, that these past few months have been the happiest in my life, aside from his behaviors. I am absolutely, completely and totally in love with my baby girl. It's all just very odd, like some strange, strange movie that makes no sense...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

_"I really believe this happened from a combination of us not having sex for 7 months due to the pregnancy and giving birth to new baby plus working long days, evenings and weekends, basically a joyless, stressful life. 

I decided early on to ask only a limited number of questions in order to protect myself from triggers and creating horror movies in my mind."_

NO, it's not why, he cheated because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it. 

Do not commit to this, many people can't move on until they know all the details.

Start reading here.. Sorry this happened 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Gemma13 said:


> Yeah, I checked and the phone number was deleted from his phone. He doesn't use Facebook.
> 
> The sex aspect doesn't bother me that much to be honest. I don't love it, but it doesn't haunt me. It's not affecting my self esteem in terms of my appearance. I've always believed that monogamy is difficult/challenging for men, and goes against nature. In fact, scientists are finding it harder and harder to find ANY animals that are monogamous. There are many animals thought to be monogamous but from DNA testing are finding that there was another baby daddy, so it's more of what's called social monogamy.
> 
> ...


It may seem logical but, it sounds like denial and rug sweeping.This is normal but not healthy on the long run.
I am sorry this happened to you, unfortunately it takes many months to heal and lots of work. You also have to ensure you are not going through this again in the future which is what happens when you take the "lets put it behind us" approach.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Stop being naive. Wake up. This isn't some tv show. This is reality and it is happening. To YOU. Right now. 

Your WS is feeding anything he wants to you because you are believeing it and actually playing along. 

He has you making excuses as to why HE cheated. 

Read that sentence back to yourself and re-read it. Again. Then ask yourself how strange that sounds. You know the answer.

Time to buck up and face this head on. If you do your research here, you'll do it right. If you continue to be naive, you will fail.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Gemma13,

Ovid and all of the other posters have probably said it best. You are in a state of denial and rugsweeping. It makes sense due to your position of having a new baby.

Many of us are logical thinkers. Maybe that is why we are here asking and reading about all of the angles with infidelity.

Maybe you should consider yourself in a holding pattern. He should be at least on probation. Quietly keep tabs on him until you move through the emotional issues. It might take several months, even a year or two.

It is almost never as easy as you currently portray. Usually the cheating is deeper, or longer, or on-going. The emotions you have now are much like mine in the early times after d-day. They will change like the seasons. Most of us are well aware of the emotional cycles that will follow.

It is ok to walk through this at your own pace. Probably most of us are worried for you. We feel that you are setting yourself up for more pain by being too trusting. It happens VERY frequently with new posters. Be careful and safe.

Please share as things change.

Wishing you the best with your new baby and the husband.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

1 He needs to show remorse.
2 This is not your fault.
3 Lack of sex is NOT an excuse. When my wife couldn't have sex with me for a while due to pregancy complications i was still getting it right and left because after all i have TWO hands! 
4 Get the details in counciling. MAKE him confess everything he did to you. And yes he betrayed you he has to realize that.
5 Unlike nature humans have the ability to make choices. He choose to not honor his marriage vows (period) simple as that. Humans can be faithful and there is no person in this world that could make me have sex with them. It is not worth the only thing we humans have that prove our worth. My word given to my wife in marriage that i will be faithful is worth more than any tramp who might try and make me break my word.

My parents never cheated, my grandparents never cheated. It can be done and just takes honoring your promise to your spouse and to god.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Gemma13 said:


> I don't want to spend months in counseling talking about the whys and the past; I want to take the time instead to look at the areas of our life that are not fulfilling and fix those.


Don't dismiss counselling so quickly. A good cousellor will not let you rehash the past except to the extent it will help you move forward. A good person can really help you two figure out where things went off track and help you fix them. 

The best advice I can give you is get the heck off this site (or at least go to the Reconciliation forum). The majority of what you will hear in CWI is negativity, bitterness and "dump the SOB." You and your husband may not be doing everything you should for a healthy, lasting reconciliation but it sounds like both of you have your heads in the right place and I'd hate to see that poisoned. Go someplace where more people actually believe in the future you want and are interested in helping you succeed. Good luck, I'm pulling for your family.


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