# Wife of 29 years had affair



## EastTexasMan (Sep 15, 2014)

Ok I had this thread up before but there were a couple of people who had nothing but negative things to say, not talking about anyone i replied to. I did not join this site to read negative responses and insults about my wife. I realize she screwed up and i did not cause the affair. At first I did partially blame myself for not being there for her emotionally but she made the choice to cheat.
I'm going to give this one more chance and if the trolls show up then the site is not for me. 

Here's the story made short. My wife of 29 years, who I STILL love had an two week affair with a married man from out of state. I just had a feeling something was going on so I confronted her about it and she denied it. After about 30 minutes she asked if I would still love her if she did have an affair, well that answered my question. Whats strange is i wasn't mad, or at least I was able to keep that old me under control and not show I wanted to kill the man.

We talked and I gave her the choice me or the other man but I could not share her. She could not make her mind up because she said they were in love. To wrap it up I gave her a choice, either give him up completely and try to save our damaged marriage or a divorce was the only choice, and i came very close to filing for divorce, and there's no promise i still won't file because the papers are ready.
She finally gave me the OM's name and with a couple of hours of research online I found all the info I needed on him and his entire family. I contacted his wife and let her in on the affair, which she knew nothing about. When she confronted him he lied about ever knowing my wife, this is the man that said he was in love with her, and even lied by saying his friend used his ID to pick up women. The OM's wife called and wanted me to describe her husband so my wife, who was sitting right there described him, Blonde hair and blue eyes. Well this along with the other proof i gave her convinced her that it was her husband.
My wife says she wants to save our marriage and of course I want to but who knows right now. I'm not saying we will make it but i know we could if she try's, which means not messing with other men and not looking at me the way she used to see me. 
I was under the impression this was a support site and some have provided support. But then there's the ones who want to see it fail. Maybe they are right but insulting me and my wife is not the people way to express themselves. Right now I am dealing with a lot of pain and hurt and the last thing i need to hear is my wife being called names and me being called ignorant or stupid. Is repairing a marriage after this easy? NO! Is it possible? YES! If you want to help tell me how to get the thought of her laying with another man naked out of my mind. Tell me how to not think about her spending an entire night with the OM when she lied and told me she was spending the night with a friend. Tell me how to forget that she answered a text saying she lost track of time because her and her friend were talking when actually she was having sex with the OM! Tell me how to forget that she was answering my text and said i love and miss you while she was laying next to him!!! 

Some of you will say i am a fool for forgiving her but when you have loved a woman for over half your life and she is the only woman you have ever been with you have enough love to do that! I have forgiven her but I have not forgotten what she and the OM did to me. 

Now if you want to help then reply. If you want to be an A-hole hidding behind a key board stay off this thread.


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## EastTexasMan (Sep 15, 2014)

I welcome any replies but keep them clean. We might not see eye to eye but that is no reason for foul insults.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ETM like Gus and I told you we wish you luck but yes you have to trust but verify for a while.
Again good luck.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

I won't call your wife names but she needs to understand - and you need to make sure she understands - that the burden of fixing this is on her. If she wants the marriage, she better be prepared to work her tail off to keep you around.

How will you forget? Well, you won't. Probably not ever. The pain and memories may fade with time but I've read about people who still have the mind movies (thinking about what they did together, as you described above) years or even decades after the affair. I don't say this to tell you your reconciliation (R) will fail, but to prepare you for what may happen, 'cause really, this is gut-check time for you. A successful R is probably harder than a D. Know what you're signing up for. Vigorous exercise and thought-intensive hobbies help some people. 

There's kind of a standard checklist for this situation. I didn't see your previous thread, so this may be repetitive:

1) Total and complete transparency from her. If you never had her passwords and such for accounts, you get them now. It is not out of bounds for you to ask her to take a picture to prove she is where she says she is. You may be monitoring her off an on for a while.

2) STD tests for both of you. Full panel. Forget humiliation, this is a health issue and another spike that pins home the reality of what she did (exposing you both to unnecessary risk).

3) Individual counseling (IC) alone and marriage counseling (MC) together. I recommend getting a MC who is experiences in infidelity and an IC with post-traumatic stress experience, because once the adrenaline of the situation wears off (in a few weeks or months), you may be in for a roller coaster of emotions. It's normal but it helps to have non-judgmental people to talk to.

4) Exposure. Usually, exposure is done to family and friends to knock a cheating spouse out of their affair-induced high. In your case, I would say this is dependent on how the R is going. If going well, you may want to keep it to yourself.

And you didn't say how she met the other man but if it was through work or an activity, she quits. Now. There is always a risk of re-ignition if they maintain any kind of contact.

If your wife is really remorseful, she should really not object to any of this. She may not be remorseful yet so you have to set your own timeline on how much you can take.

You exposed to the OM's wife, so I would put him out of your mind. I get it, you want to eviscerate him. Well, legal issues aside, he's not your problem. Your wife is. He's got all the trouble he can handle since you called his wife, so put him out of your mind. Not saying you should shy away if you run into him (quite the contrary) but I wouldn't expend any energy thinking about him.

That's a summary of the helpful advice most often offered around here. Hope it helps.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

EastTexasMan said:


> Ok I had this thread up before but there were a couple of people who had nothing but negative things to say, not talking about anyone i replied to. I did not join this site to read negative responses and insults about my wife. I realize she screwed up and i did not cause the affair. At first I did partially blame myself for not being there for her emotionally but she made the choice to cheat.
> I'm going to give this one more chance and if the trolls show up then the site is not for me.
> 
> Here's the story made short. My wife of 29 years, who I STILL love had an two week affair with a married man from out of state. I just had a feeling something was going on so I confronted her about it and she denied it. After about 30 minutes she asked if I would still love her if she did have an affair, well that answered my question. Whats strange is i wasn't mad, or at least I was able to keep that old me under control and not show I wanted to kill the man.
> ...


The problem is you have not forgiven nor can you forgive until the pain is gone. In the end the one you will not forgive is yourself because you did not stand up for yourself or you marriage.

Those who take stronger steps tend to do better than those who don't. 

Don't ask someone not to be an A hole behind a keyboard and be one yourself.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EastTexasMan said:


> I welcome any replies but keep them clean. We might not see eye to eye but that is no reason for foul insults.


Do you see the red triangle on the left, it looks like this:









Hit it if you have problems with what a poster said - or if they are thread-jacking. Moderators around here give lots of deference to the OP complaining about posts in their thread.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, EastTexasMan, the truth of the matter is that it's just going to take some time for these wounds to scab over. There isn't any fast and easy way to get past this hurt- it's going to be a part of your reality for awhile, whether you stay or leave.

Counseling can help.

Philosophy might help also, believe it or not- read up on the Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief. Contemplating your emotional state knowing about the stages will tell you "where you're at," and if you know where you are, you can focus on where you want to be, instead.

So. You've gotten properly pissed off at the OM. You've gotten pissed off at unhelpful posters on TAM. When are you going to get mad at the person who broke her vow to you and actually caused you the most hurt?

I find it really hard to solve problems when I avoid addressing the root cause. Most other people suffer the same difficulty.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Convection said:


> 3) Individual counseling (IC) alone and marriage counseling (MC) together. I recommend getting a MC who is experiences in infidelity and an IC with post-traumatic stress experience, because once the adrenaline of the situation wears off (in a few weeks or months), you may be in for a roller coaster of emotions. It's normal but it helps to have non-judgmental people to talk to.


Be ready to walk on any counselor who wants to blame you for her affair. Warn your wife before hand on this very subject, that you expect her to have your back on this, that it's a non-negotiable instant end to any counselor who goes there.

Yes, there are issues in any marriage. Yes, you WILL have other issues to talk about. But if your wife goes there as it being a _cause_ for the affair the counselor better be cutting her off. If he/she doesn't then they you should leave them. If the counselor suggests it, you should leave them and find another.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By ETM
> Tell me how to forget that she was answering my text and said i love and miss you while she was laying next to him!!!


*When that thought and the other thoughts come to you use that sting to motivate you to change the subject in your mind to how you can improve your self. Then take ACTIONS to improve!!!!*


Part of your job is to do the things that make you stronger and pushes you to do things that you wanted to do but just did not have the motivation. Now you have some stinging motivation for you to get even better and stronger than you were.


One way to put it is for you to be focused mostly on yourself because you have been wounded. Yes you maybe able to help your wife but you are the priority. She is the only one that can really do the most part to help herself. She has seriously broken your trust and your heart and only she can restore your trust. She can restore by her words but mostly by her ACTIONS for a very long time. You cannot do the actions for her she has to do them herself. 

Do not be completely absorbed in fixing your wife because you cannot. You can help some but you have to build yourself up and make that your number one priority. *With you occupied with improving yourself in body, mind, and spirit then you will have less time and inclination to be thinking about those things that are tormenting you that you asked us about.*

It will be difficult for you to not think about the hurts that she did to you but thinking about those hurts will mostly bring you down and not give you relief from your pains. You really need to get yourself in a position that you can live with her or without her. If she follows through on her remorse with lots of ACTIONS for a long time then you can decide what you want to do.


*Good and strong women are drawn to a good and strong man.* You seem like a good man; now you have to get stronger because she has wounded you. She is very weak and confused and probably needs some help but you are not the main one to help her beause you cannot help yourself and her at the same time. I am not saying that you cannot be of same help to her but make sure you know how much you can help her without taking away from you getting stronger


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

First move is to get into see a good MC, not one that will blame it all on you!!! The faults of the M were on both of you and have to be fixed by both of you. The decision to turn toward a third person is all on her, period. This may help you find a path to a MC. Marital Problems? 

Have you read these compilations of resources yet? 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/176962-useful-threads-resources-tam-web.html


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

truthfully how she deals with your triggers is going to be more of a key to whether you can salvage this relationship or not. if she gets angry or defensive you can pretty much write off reconciliation. but if she is supportive and concerned with your feelings and willing to talk to you and answer any of your questions and to talk to you down from the edge then you might have a prayer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

OP, most people here try to be helpful, and most have been thru what you are going thru. A lot of them are still very hurt and bitter. Dont let them chase you off. If they get out of hand, you can click a button to ignore them.

I think you showed great strength when you gave her an ultimatum, and I think if she owns up to her mistake and does the heavy lifting yall could still have a great marriage in the future. I personally dont think I could R after an affair, and I hope I nevef have to find out, but thats just me. You have to do what is right for you and nobody else. Take care my fellow Texan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the trust is gone.

I would want to know if she cheated more than this one time.


each and every person has to figure out what they can forgive and what they can't forgive.



good luck in your journey of deciding what you can or can't forgive


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are steps you can take to help. The thing is the images, hurt, embarassent etc. don't go away if you reconcile or divorce. Things get better but your old marriage is dead.

You can go on and have a better marriage. You have given no details of who, what, where, who knew etc. More info is needed.


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