# Divorce Guidance Reading Materials



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

For those that have gone through divorce, are there any books or blogs/websites that provide step by step guidance through the process that you thought were good? I vaguely recall seeing a few recommendations here and there on TAM.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't have anything tangible to offer other than to say I am sorry it has come to this for you, Lila.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> For those that have gone through divorce, are there any books or blogs/websites that provide step by step guidance through the process that you thought were good? I vaguely recall seeing a few recommendations here and there on TAM.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


It depends on your state. The best way to start is to get a consult with an attorney and let them explain the steps to you.

One thing that I think most people should do is get some IC to help your mental health during the process.

I'm so sorry.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I don't have anything tangible to offer other than to say I am sorry it has come to this for you, Lila.


Thank you for your support far. I never thought it would come to this either but life has a way of making the unforeseen a reality. Now it's just a matter of being smart and practical about the whole thing. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> It depends on your state. The best way to start is to get a consult with an attorney and let them explain the steps to you.
> 
> One thing that I think most people should do is get some IC to help your mental health during the process.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


Hey FW. Thanks for posting. I have an attorney that I plan on retaining to help me through the legal part of the divorce. The reason for the book/ website request is that I'm also looking for information to avoid pitfalls and spending $$$ unnecessarily, and hopefully make the process less contentious. Also something to help with the day-to-day transition for example, "when should I notify my place of employment?"

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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I remember really liking the book "Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce". I don't remember a lot of details about it. Maybe your local library has it, or you could browse through it at a local bookstore to see if it has the kind of info you're looking for.

What I do remember is a lot of advice to basically be honest and honorable (presuming your spouse is also acting in good faith). Things like don't hide assets, and don't set out to utterly destroy the other person.

Ultimately, almost every single divorce ends up as a mediated agreement. Very rarely does the judge decide financial details. Child custody is maybe more commonly disputed in front of a judge. Anyhow, the book advises to seek a fair agreement through calm discussions, probably using a professional mediator at some point.

Do have a competent attorney make sure all the paperwork is done perfectly. When all of this is finished you don't want any future problems due to weak wording or improperly executed documents.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but in the end you'll find a happier place.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This.

I would also consider counseling for your son as well.



Faithful Wife said:


> It depends on your state. The best way to start is to get a consult with an attorney and let them explain the steps to you.
> 
> One thing that I think most people should do is get some IC to help your mental health during the process.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Lila said:


> Hey FW. Thanks for posting. I have an attorney that I plan on retaining to help me through the legal part of the divorce. The reason for the book/ website request is that I'm also looking for information to avoid pitfalls and spending $$$ unnecessarily, and hopefully make the process less contentious. Also something to help with the day-to-day transition for example, "when should I notify my place of employment?"
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I don't have a book suggestion, but to avoid spending extra money you mostly just need to be able to agree to a settlement with your spouse. Figure that either way your assets are going to get split, the only difference is how much of that split is going to attorneys versus you and your spouse. I just brought that up with my XW and we worked things out on our own and went to the lawyer together to tell her what we decided and had the settlement written up that way. There was no mediation or disagreement so it was all a smooth process. 

You don't have to notify your work, except for HR if there is a change in insurance, beneficiaries, etc. At my work my secretaries didn't know I was divorced until several months afterwards because I don't bring my personal business into the work place. If you are asking about the logistics for HR, you might need the divorce decree (in my work you'd have to wait for open enrollment or have a divorce decree to change your benefits outside of the open enrollment period) depending on what you are having done or you might be able to just go in and change things without it (e.g. beneficiaries on life insurance can be changed at any time). You should just call your HR department with your questions unless they have the policies easily available for you to pick up and read.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Thank you for your support far. I never thought it would come to this either but life has a way of making the unforeseen a reality. Now it's just a matter of being smart and practical about the whole thing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


* @Lila ~ Nobody regrets hearing what it is that you're going through more than me, and I just want to let you know that all of your friends and associates here at TAM are, and always will be here for you! That you can steadfastly count on!

You will remain in my prayers, my dear!*


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Lila said:


> For those that have gone through divorce, are there any books or blogs/websites that provide step by step guidance through the process that you thought were good? I vaguely recall seeing a few recommendations here and there on TAM.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


lila, like all aspects of the divorce, like emotional and legal or just one of those aspects?

I think I might be able to recommend a few websites based on exactly what you are looking for.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> Hey FW. Thanks for posting. I have an attorney that I plan on retaining to help me through the legal part of the divorce. The reason for the book/ website request is that I'm also looking for information to avoid pitfalls and spending $$$ unnecessarily, and hopefully make the process less contentious. Also something to help with the day-to-day transition for example, "when should I notify my place of employment?"


Are you ok with this thread being in the public section? I'm not sure how raw you are at this point, so I don't want to ask questions that you may not want to answer...maybe moving it to the private section would be a good idea (but is up to you of course).

For me, I had to tell them at my job when I was not able to hold myself together emotionally all the time anymore, ie: I would occasionally feel tears well up while sitting at my desk and would have to run off to the bathroom, cry it out a little, suck it up and go back to work. I needed my boss to know what was going on so she would basically give me support _by giving me space_ and not asking any questions. When people see you cry, of course they are going to say "what's wrong?" But hearing someone ask me "what's wrong" basically would send me into a tailspin and more crying. So I needed people to know what was wrong without having to ask, and to know I just needed space and not to ask me questions. So I only told her and asked her to kind of let others know so I wouldn't have to tell everyone one at a time...that way everyone in our office knew why they may see me crying for a bit sometimes and didn't ask any questions.

Depending on the size of your company and your position, if you don't have a direct boss who can help you like this, the HR department is usually the best place to inform. They can also help you talk about your benefits if they are going to change (like if your H is on your benefits or vice versa and if those will be changing). They can have you fill out a new W-4 if you want to change your tax withholdings. And they can help you create a plan for what to do if/when things get to emotional for you to make it through your day. 

Are you at the point of bursting into tears at your desk yet?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Hey FW. Thanks for posting. I have an attorney that I plan on retaining to help me through the legal part of the divorce. The reason for the book/ website request is that I'm also looking for information to avoid pitfalls and spending $$$ unnecessarily, and hopefully make the process less contentious. Also something to help with the day-to-day transition for example, "when should I notify my place of employment?"


Sorry that things have come to this point, I don't wish this process on anyone.

This all based on my experience (as a male). By far the best way to minimize spending is for both parties to be amiable with one another. This can be hard for some men as their ego gets in the way. If you both can control your emotions and work it through in a business like fashion, it can be done. I think I ex and I kept the total divorce cost to less than $1k by working everything out ourselves and no involving the court, with the exception of getting the final sign off by a judge. Both kids have made it past 18 and we (ex and I) still manage to get along. Would I take her back? Nope, but it was worth it to be civil bringing up our kids. They turned out pretty darn good.

I too read "A Man's guide to a Civilized Divorce" and it was an excellent read from a male perspective. It gave me good points to think about. Another book I read that helped me was "Mom's House, Dad's House" with respect to the kids. Lots of decent material on raising a kid with two homes.

Be careful of attorneys and websites out there. Attorneys make a living by billing clients, and they bill every time they do things for you, even if it was only 15 minutes. Your best bet is to study your state's statutes on divorce and learn the basics so that you don't have to rely on your attorney to answer every question. Being smarter on the process will help you manage your attorney and keep your legal fees in check. You may also benefit (time allowing) from sitting in on divorce court in your city/town and watching the process.

There are any number of website devoted to divorce, for both men and women. Some are better than others. Get on some and watch some of the responses. If they are not focused on helping the individuals, then move on. Far to many are focused on the blame game and how to "screw" the soon to be ex.

Biggest pitfall I can think of is not compromising. With the exception of the kids, all the material aspects of divorce are just a business deal. You can buy more stuff, use the material items as a form of currency to get what you really want, we all have those items we can't live without. 

Here is another pitfall I have seen to much. Parents focus everything on a custody battle with their ex. Seems to happen for any number of different reasons (child support, control, ect), but it ends up costing a fortune in legal fees and usually leaves the parents really bitter. IMO custody should be 50/50 unless there are very extenuating circumstances. Kids need both parents in their lives, and having two parents that can get along is much better than a bitter couple that can't even talk on the phone (Seen it happen, not pretty).

Anyway, that is some of my experience. I hope that you are able to get though this without to much turmoil.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thor said:


> I remember really liking the book "Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce". I don't remember a lot of details about it. Maybe your local library has it, or you could browse through it at a local bookstore to see if it has the kind of info you're looking for.
> 
> What I do remember is a lot of advice to basically be honest and honorable (presuming your spouse is also acting in good faith). Things like don't hide assets, and *don't set out to utterly destroy the other person.*
> 
> ...


Thank you for the book suggestion @Thor. 

It is my hope that my husband and I can amicably agree to a divorce. The last thing I want is for it to become contentious and drag out for years. I am keeping my fingers crossed that he sees it the same way when I tell him my intentions. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> I would also consider counseling for your son as well.


Absolutely. Family and individual counseling are part of my plan. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * @Lila ~ Nobody regrets hearing what it is that you're going through more than me, and I just want to let you know that all of your friends and associates here at TAM are, and always will be here for you! That you can steadfastly count on!
> 
> You will remain in my prayers, my dear!*


 @arbitrator, thank you so much for your kind words. Your heartfelt support is obvious, for which I can't thank you enough. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> You don't have to notify your work, except for HR if there is a change in insurance, beneficiaries, etc. At my work my secretaries didn't know I was divorced until several months afterwards because I don't bring my personal business into the work place. If you are asking about the logistics for HR, you might need the divorce decree (in my work you'd have to wait for open enrollment or have a divorce decree to change your benefits outside of the open enrollment period) depending on what you are having done or you might be able to just go in and change things without it (e.g. beneficiaries on life insurance can be changed at any time). You should just call your HR department with your questions unless they have the policies easily available for you to pick up and read.


Thanks for the HR info @Bananapeel. I will plan on having the discussion with our HR rep as soon as everything else is in order. First and foremost, I'll need insurance coverage which if I recall, takes 30 days to kick in after the paperwork is complete. 

I'll probably wait until the parties are served before mentioning anything to my colleagues. It's a smallish office. My co workers and I are all pretty close, so much so that i have several of them asking if "I'm okay" or telling me "I'm off" frequently. While I appreciate their concern, I do not want them involved in such an unhappy event in my life right now but I'm sure I could use their support eventually. 

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

stillfightingforus said:


> lila, like all aspects of the divorce, like emotional and legal or just one of those aspects?
> 
> I think I might be able to recommend a few websites based on exactly what you are looking for.


Hey @stillfightingforus. I'm actually looking for advice on the practical stuff, the other little details that do not fall under either financial or emotional. The financial stuff will work itself out legally and child custody will be 50/50 unless he declines (which IMO he's not likely to do). The emotional I feel I can handle with the help on my strong support network and IC if needed. Maybe a checklist?

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Are you ok with this thread being in the public section? I'm not sure how raw you are at this point, so I don't want to ask questions that you may not want to answer...maybe moving it to the private section would be a good idea (but is up to you of course).
> 
> For me, I had to tell them at my job when I was not able to hold myself together emotionally all the time anymore, ie: I would occasionally feel tears well up while sitting at my desk and would have to run off to the bathroom, cry it out a little, suck it up and go back to work. I needed my boss to know what was going on so she would basically give me support _by giving me space_ and not asking any questions. When people see you cry, of course they are going to say "what's wrong?" But hearing someone ask me "what's wrong" basically would send me into a tailspin and more crying. So I needed people to know what was wrong without having to ask, and to know I just needed space and not to ask me questions. So I only told her and asked her to kind of let others know so I wouldn't have to tell everyone one at a time...that way everyone in our office knew why they may see me crying for a bit sometimes and didn't ask any questions.
> 
> ...


I'm okay with the thread being public. Nothing that has been posted is mean or vindictive. It's good information that I find helpful and hopefully so too will others. 

I appreciate you sharing your experience with your ex. I know you loved him dearly and continue to do so to this day. The way you describe your pain is palpable. I really wish I could say I still have that level of romantic love for my husband but I don't. I'm done. 

Apathetic, Emotionally Detached, and Cold are the best ways to describe my current feelings. It's not to say that I do not love him but it's not the kind of connected love a wife should have with her husband. He is a good, kind, and attractive man but he feels like a business partner who I respect and get along with. I don't feel romantic love. Not sure if this makes sense. 

The times I do feel like bursting into tears are when I think about my son. That's when I break down. This is not path I had ever wanted to take but I don't see a happy ending whether I stay or go. 

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> I'm okay with the thread being public. Nothing that has been posted is mean or vindictive. It's good information that I find helpful and hopefully so too will others.
> 
> I appreciate you sharing your experience with your ex. I know you loved him dearly and continue to do so to this day. The way you describe your pain is palpable. I really wish I could say I still have that level of romantic love for my husband but I don't. I'm done.
> 
> ...


In some ways, I wish I could have been detached and an apathetic about my marriage ending...seems like it may have been easier emotionally if I had been.

I know people say this and it is hard to hear it when you are in your position....but your son will be ok. That won't probably sink in for a number of years, but when it does, you will know he is ok. (And I don't mean "just ok", I mean good/well).


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

When you get those materials please pass them along this way. 


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> It depends on your state. The best way to start is to get a consult with an attorney and let them explain the steps to you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Think I’ll take this advice as well. 


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, practical stuff to consider..

When the divorce is finalized you want everything to be separated and done. Some things are frequently left connected with the divorce decree, like the house. While there may be logical reasons, it is best if the house is transferred to just one person and refinanced. The issue is future liability as well as the potential for complications. Let's say you get the house but leave it in both of your names for a few years. When the kid graduates high school you plan to sell it and give your ex-h his share of the equity. Now from his standpoint he is on the hook if a kid breaks his neck falling down your icy steps one winter. You are at risk if the housing market takes a tumble just when you want or need to sell. If you stop making payments, his credit is ruined. The mortgage lender can call the mortgage at any time, so if your husband's situation goes bad it is possible the lender could demand full payment (seems unlikely but it is a possibility).

That's just one example to show that you both should want everything severed financially and legally.

Your will, trust, medical directives, and medical power of attorney need to be updated to remove him. I am a huge proponent of the personal living trust. It greatly simplifies things and gives you a ton of control, especially regarding how your son would be provided for and how his inheritance is protected until he is old enough (you determine what age he gets it). This way if you die before your son reaches a good age (maybe mid 20's?) to inherit money, the money is kept safely. And, you can set the terms such as he has to have a college degree and a full time job, and if he has any children he must be providing responsibly for them.

Anyhow, be ready to sign new documents as soon as possible after the divorce is finalized by the judge. Start the process on those documents before the divorce is finalized because it can take a month or so to get the new documents ready. Then sign the new documents the day after the judge signs the divorce.

Life insurance, retirement accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts, health savings accounts, your work life insurance policy, etc will all have beneficiaries which you will need to change. If you have a trust, you make the trust the beneficiary. Then your trust will own the assets after your death and the person you've named (the Trustee) will be able to simply and easily deal with it. Did I say I'm a big proponent of Trusts? 

If your stbxh has any kind of Power of Attorney currently, see if you need to execute a revocation.

I forget how old your son is. Schools, daycare, doctors, etc all have restrictions on who they can release him or information to. If you'll be having somebody else (like one of your parents or siblings) pick your son up, you will need to sign authorizations. Get ahead of this before that day you get stuck in traffic and need somebody else to pick him up!

You should inform now your son's other important adults like teacher, doctor, sports coach, music teacher, etc of the divorce so they can be aware in case his behavior changes.

We separated unofficially about a year before the divorce was finalized. Our cars were in our own names already, but we had the insurance on a joint account along with homeowners insurance. So we separated out the cars into different accounts immediately when we separated. Idk if this provided any liability protections, but it made the transition a non-event when the divorce was finalized. There was one less loose end to take care of. If you are in agreement already on who gets which vehicle, and if the lawyer agrees, go ahead and retitle them. Then create new insurance policies for each of you.

Consider getting all new bank accounts today, but keep the old ones open until at least one federal tax filing afterwards. Alternatively, if you are good at record keeping, first download a pdf as well as print out a hard copy of the final statements as well as several previous years. Then close the joint accounts. Come tax time you may need to find a number but if you've closed the account it can be impossible to find it.

Note that any lines of credit with bank accounts (like overdraft protection or home equity loans) stay showing on your credit reports until the account is closed, even if nothing is owed. So you will want to get the joint accounts closed soon. Just be sure you have those statements, or keep the accounts open with zero balances until the next tax filing.

Strangely, the bank account we used when married was just in my name, but my then-wife's name was tied to the associated home equity loan jointly with me. It shows on her credit report as available credit, which hurts her rating. I'm not sure how exactly it happened, but be aware that you may be tied to various accounts. Carefully look at your credit report to see what old accounts need to be closed.

Travel with minor children is heavily restricted. You'll need to have signed written permission from the other parent to fly, and to leave the country by any mode. If your son does not yet have a passport, consider getting one before the divorce is finalized if there's any chance either one of you will want to travel out of the country with him in the next few years. The passport process is a bit more complicated after the divorce is finalized.

Are you going to take back your maiden name? If so, start researching the process to change everything. You may need to get certified copies of your birth certificate and marriage certificate. You will definitely need official copies of the divorce decree. Social security, drivers license, professional license, title to your house, title to the car, bank accounts, retirement accounts, your job, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lila, I too am sorry to hear that you have arrived at this point.

You might want to start with your state's court self help site. Here are two to start.

https://www.courts.state.co.us/Forms/Forms_List.cfm?Form_Type_ID=108

https://www.courts.state.co.us/Forms/SubCategory.cfm?Category=Divorce

Amazon (and most book stores) sell books for divorce in each state that explain the laws. 

You can also google specific questions and find websites written my lawyers in your area addressing the questions.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Lila, I have no advice but wanted to send you support and strength.


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