# Why do I care?



## lj1982 (Jul 31, 2020)

I been married for 15 years and all have been rocky. I have always tried to be a good and loving wife. My husband has always put other things above our marriage, out late partying and making poor choices. He has always made promises of change and I feel like a fool to still be here dealing with the same bs. I love him and have become unhealthily co-dependent on our relationship. we discussed our relationship 4 days ago with him wanting to keep trying and me saying I didn’t know that it could be repaired. He then disappeared and I haven’t heard from him since. He has blocked me from his phone. We have 4 children that are all dysregulated by his disappearance. He often disappears for a day or 2 and I am not worried about his safety but he has never blocked me in the past, just refused to answer. He has cheated on me in the past but I don’t believe he currently is. I feel that he hates himself for being such a bad husband and does truly love me but is unable for whatever reason to change his behaviour. My anxiety is extremely high. I think that I am scared at the finality of it being truly over although I know that is what is right and best for myself and likely for our children as they are on the rollercoaster of him disappearing with me. This has been going on for so long, Why do I still care? Why can I not just feel a sense of relief that he is not here? I cant eat or sleep and am having panic attack on top of panic attack. I spoke with my dr this morning and got some medication to help with this. How long am I going to feel that my heart is being ripped out of my chest? I tried so hard and the fact that it isn’t going to work is so sad to me. Any advice is appreciated.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lj1982 said:


> I feel that he hates himself for being such a bad husband


In my opinion, he does not. He is a "goodtime Charlie" who doesn't have the blues..... yet.....



lj1982 said:


> does truly love me


In my opinion, he does not. Actions speak far louder than words. He doesn't give a country $hit about his children, either. He is singing a song with lyrics comprised entirely of the solfege third scale degree.



lj1982 said:


> unable for whatever reason to change his behaviour.


No ma'am. Not "unable"...... "unwilling"..... not "can't", "won't".



lj1982 said:


> Why can I not just feel a sense of relief that he is not here?


Partially, because you are believing the 3 aforementioned lies, instead of the truth.

I cannot answer your "how long" question. The grief process is undertaken differently by all individuals.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Oh, this is just heartbreaking, and I'm SO SORRY you are going through this!!!!! You deserve SO much better, and I even believe that being alone with your children will be better for you than this!

It really doesn't matter if he really loves you or not...HIS way of loving you all IS NOT healthy or truly loving. His way of loving you all causes pain and uncertainty for all of you. 
When I left my abusive alcoholic husband, taking my 3 tiny children, I explained it to them as - Daddy loves us all, but HIS way of loving us wasn't good for us right now, so we had to go. We should all still love him, of course, but we can't live with him, because we feel bad when we do.
THAT is how you need to think of your husband's "love" - the ONLY thing that matters is that it causes pain and drains you. You have got to get away from his way of loving so that you can be a healthy functioning person, and find some stability.

One reason you are feeling so bad (and not relieved) that it is probably truly OVER, is because our minds do something amazing to help us cope with stressful situations and environments - our minds ADAPT, no matter how toxic a situation may be, into a "new normal"...so even if changing that toxic situation is logically good to us, we feel it as emotionally dangerous in our primitive brains because it's DIFFERENT.

So don't be fooled by your feelings about this - you NEED to go, so that your brain can readjust to a healthy normal and your heart and mind can HEAL. He has been supremely self-centered instead of being a partner and parent...I PROMISE, once you get over the hurdles of uncertainty about leaving, you will be SOOOOOOO happy he is gone!!!!

What is your plan going forward...? Do you have any family who can help support you emotionally through this, maybe somewhere you could go for a few days to find some relief from your anxiety from waiting around at home to see what happens next...?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

these are the actions of an irresponsible individual who cares for no one but themselves. i am sorry that his immaturity had placed you at this cross road, but while he is gone i would take this time to file for divorce, I find his action inexcusable, focus not on his not being there but on the kids and your own future.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try to look at your situation as a dispassionate stranger. What if one of your old school friends showed up and told you this story? What if you were a counselor and one of your patients told you this story?

Believe who he is by his actions. He has done a lot of hurtful things. Things that hurt you and things that hurt the children.

Nobody is all bad, and nobody is all good. I think a lot of people struggle like you are because they still see the good aspects of their partner. But those don't erase the bad things. He can have good lovable qualities but at the same time be so hurtful to you that you cannot remain married to him. He can have good qualities yet do things harmful to your children such that you need to separate the children from him.

You don't need to stay married to him. Divorce is not your failure. Make your decision without regard to your fears. Be that dispassionate stranger looking in, and see the situation as it is not as you wished it were. Look at the benefits to you and the kids if you stay vs leave, based on objective cold analysis not emotion.

I recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay".


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I knew by the time I had been married as long as you have that my marriage didn’t work. My husband was a cheater and I knew that I needed to get out. But I didn’t. I stayed several more decades. And nothing changed during that time despite all the promises that he made. Why did I stay so long? Fear of the unknown. The only thing I regret? I didn’t get out when I had been married as long as you have. I would have had a very different life if I had (and I would have respected myself a lot more). Yes, divorce is difficult. There’s no getting around that. But people get through it and they move on. So can you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> And nothing changed during that time despite all the promises that he made.


There are rare "outlier" individuals who find their way to a decent life. And, when they do, it is the intervention of God which makes it happen. But, these people are the few and far-between. For the most part, people don't change. Ever. They only get worse.


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