# Both of Us Cheated



## Shyanti (Dec 5, 2015)

Finally this week things came to a head and we were confronted with the task of being honest with each other and tell we each had an affair,
Can we survive this, we've been married 37 years, my affair was 20 years ago, his first one was over 20 years ago and another one was between 8-10 years ago. Now he wants more details, How long exactly it lasted, was he here at our home, did our kids know, and more importantly why it happened.
I am sick about telling any details, it was bad enough telling about an affair, I figure we both cheated, we should talk about the why and get concelling about it.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated 

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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Well if you dont want to talk about Affair then just divorce.

He asked you a good question,now you should ask him the same.

Seeing you are married for 37 years and living together in lie for that long is bad.
What makes you think he is not going to cheat one more time? Your husband is asking himself the same.

What about kids. Maybe they knew and keep it as secret from mom and dad? Growing up in that relationship is going to make them a lot of problems in future.

What about your Affair partners. Someone close like best friend,cousin etc... 

Most important thing is WHY did you cheat ? If you cant answer this to yourself then dont even think about answering them to your husband. Same goes for him.

There is a lot of questions and maybe you can provide us with your life story.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, the marital infidelity committed by the both of you isn't the real issue anymore!

It's the unapologetic, long-term deception that was heartlessly committed against each other!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shyanti said:


> Finally this week things came to a head and we were confronted with the task of being honest with each other and tell we each had an affair...


Out of curiosity, what prompted this?



Shyanti said:


> Can we survive this, we've been married 37 years, my affair was 20 years ago, his first one was over 20 years ago and another one was between 8-10 years ago. Now he wants more details, How long exactly it lasted, was he here at our home, did our kids know, and more importantly why it happened.
> I am sick about telling any details, it was bad enough telling about an affair, I figure we both cheated, we should talk about the why and get concelling about it.
> 
> Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated


Are there details that you're afraid to share? If so, why?

Have you not asked your husband for details of his affairs as well?

What if he'd slept w/ your sister, cousin, best friend, neighbor, etc...? Wouldn't you want to know?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, the marital infidelity committed by the both of you isn't the real issue anymore!
> 
> It's the unapologetic, long-term deception that was committed against other!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


could have tried to put it behind them. especially if it wasn't a serious connection. the question is whether there is any lingering interest or desire to cheat in the future.

Otherwise... use it as the source material for writing a book together and electronically publish the story for $$$


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling and honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Shyanti said:


> Finally this week things came to a head and we were confronted with the task of being honest with each other and tell we each had an affair,
> Can we survive this, we've been married 37 years, my affair was 20 years ago, his first one was over 20 years ago and another one was between 8-10 years ago. Now he wants more details, How long exactly it lasted, was he here at our home, did our kids know, and more importantly why it happened.
> I am sick about telling any details, it was bad enough telling about an affair, I figure we both cheated, we should talk about the why and get concelling about it.
> 
> Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated


The why he wants to know would be interesting.

Is he just harboring cuckold fantasies?
Is he looking for justification for another affair, or suspect you of having another one?
Is he looking for blame, or has someone said something about one of the kids not being his?
Is he working up some way for the two of you to go to swingers meetings?
Is it an attempt at proxy-romance?
If something traumatic has happened in his life, hormone levels might be shifting and he's feeling insecure?

Or... and this is important, and hopefully unlikely, is he taking drugs of any sort, amphetamines especially (P in particular), or does he smoke MJ (sometimes disreputable dealers lace the MJ with amphetamines to give the MJ more "kick" and make it addictive, also helps hide the slowdown of the MJ while enhancing the sensations). As paranoia over random stuff is a very common symptom of mind altering chems.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Similar situation here, so I feel your pain. Married 27 years, H had multiple affairs going back at least 17 - 18 years ago and I had an EA three years ago. I didn't find out about his infidelity until seven years ago and by then he claims it had been over for a while. I rug swept and it's been one of the biggest regrets of my life. 

When I had my EA, it all came to a head finally. I resented the hell out of his superior attitude about my EA, as if what he did no longer mattered.  Because in his mind, it didn't, his affairs were in the past, mine was present. Like you, he didn't see the point in bringing up the details or even discussing what he did. For him, it was simply long ago mistakes, but for me it was still fresh, ESPECIALLY since we had never talked about it when I first found out seven years ago. 

We did MC for a while last year at my insistence after my H confronted me with the knowledge that he knew my EA was ongoing. He had been spying on me for about a year with keyloggers on our computers, even hacking into my work email and phone. I insisted and finally got some answers from him about his affairs, but he still hasn't told me the full story and frankly, I haven't told him everything about my EA either. 

I know if we are ever going to be able to fully move past our past we will have to be really honest with each other. There is a wall between us now that has been there for so long that it's covered in vines at this point. But, for me, I would have to care enough about salvaging our relationship to push for that brutally honest conversation. The sad fact is, right now our relationship isn't a priority for me. 

There's been so much trauma in our marriage, so many mistakes and unspoken words that the love has died for me. Love or not, I owe him and myself some real honesty because whether or not we stay with each other, in the end we both need to heal. That isn't going to happen without the truth. Think about that in your own marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- any children of uncertain paternity? Interesting timeline- you both had an affair at the same time.

Some people need more information others don't.

I suggest a good counselor. The events may be old, but the discovery is brand new.


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## Shyanti (Dec 5, 2015)

We both know who we cheated with, he wants to know how many times we were together and where. The point I was trying to make was weather it was one time or a thousand times it was wrong, disresptful , etc. He has been very honest with me, says he doesn't blame me, wont hold it against me, but I think we should go to a professional . It was his quilt that finally broke him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> could have tried to put it behind them. especially if it wasn't a serious connection. the question is whether there is any lingering interest or desire to cheat in the future.
> 
> Otherwise... use it as the source material for writing a book together and electronically publish the story for $$$


*Something of a common sense nature greatly tells me that if they covertly cheat and betray each other in matters of marital fidelity, then they'll certainly cheat and betray each other in matters of money!

It really doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to figure out that a "cheater's love" is not only inclusive of self-serving gratification in matters of love and lust, but also in matters of financial greed and money!

And unfortunately, all at somebody else's expense!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> I resented the hell out of his superior attitude about my EA, as if what he did no longer mattered. Because in his mind, it didn't, his affairs were in the past, mine was present. Like you, he didn't see the point in bringing up the details or even discussing what he did. For him, it was simply long ago mistakes, but for me it was still fresh, ESPECIALLY since we had never talked about it when I first found out seven years ago.


Well he was fresh; and you knew better, you were familiar with the the exact pain you were inflicting because you'd been through it, and your partner had to deal with his guilt for all those years...yet now...


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Sort of same situation

I had an A 25 years ago, suspected H of having one over the past year and a half. I Disclosed in order to do the right thing and to give him courage to do the same. It didn't work. He denies and is furious and heartbroken because of mine. He has asked for details but mostly how far did we go? (no PIV or oral) how long did it last? I said 4-5 months but I'm really not sure-stuff like that. I understand how uncomfortable it makes you feel but it is necessary so he can heal.

I am trying not to be resentful but it is difficult because I believe he had at least an EA with a co worker and he still works with her. We argue a lot- then get over it- then it all comes back because of a new question, doubt, and on and on it goes.

He won't talk about my A in MC. Tells her he's over it but he's obviously not. She said I have to respect his wish to not discuss it in MC.

MC says if we learn to love each other properly we can get through this. We are both emotionally exhausted. I don't know how long we can do this. We are trying and want it to work though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that he knows what he wants for his own healing and since you betrayed him, then you should honor his requests. Likewise for what he does for you. Just because you decide that the 'why' is more important, doesn't mean that that is true for him, at least not at the moment.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He has some nerve after cheating twice. Don't tell him the details he just wants to use them against you. When he asks for the details turn it back on him and ask for details about his two affairs. That should shut him up. You two either need to get past the affairs you both have and concentrate on the present or divorce if neither one of you can get over the affairs.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> I think that he knows what he wants for his own healing and since you betrayed him, then you should honor his requests. Likewise for what he does for you. Just because you decide that the 'why' is more important, doesn't mean that that is true for him, at least not at the moment.


So then he needs to tell her the details about his affair too right? It goes both ways. I don't think it helps a marriage to know the details about the affair then you just constantly think about what they did together.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> So then he needs to tell her the details about his affair too right? It goes both ways. I don't think it helps a marriage to know the details about the affair then you just constantly think about what they did together.


Who said he wasn't. This is not a tit for tat stuff. 

Ignorance is bliss is not really good advice


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> So then he needs to tell her the details about his affair too right? It goes both ways. I don't think it helps a marriage to know the details about the affair then you just constantly think about what they did together.


If she wants the details, then he needs to tell her. Lying (even by omission), trickling out the truth, and rugsweeping are classic reconciliation killers.

Just because you want to rugsweep, it doesn't mean that everyone else wants that.

And if she doesn't want the details, then that's her need. She shouldn't project her need onto him


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> He has some nerve after cheating twice. Don't tell him the details he just wants to use them against you. When he asks for the details turn it back on him and ask for details about his two affairs. That should shut him up. You two either need to get past the affairs you both have and concentrate on the present or divorce if neither one of you can get over the affairs.


That would be foolish and petty in the extreme. Why would you suggest such a thing? Some kind of immature "get you back" theory?

What if he actually opens up, does the honest thing and expects an equal flow of information? is OP going to handle all that well?!?


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