# Finance and Sex



## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

I have been married to my husband for 7 years and 3 years together before that. He is such a good husband, father of our 2 kids. We immigrated here 5 years ago and eversince we came it has been very challenging for us especially after the 2nd kid, but we were happy. As soon as I got pregnant with our first kid, I stopped working and he took care of the finances except for rent because we stayed in my house (family). His salary wasnt as big but it was okay. When my son turned 2, I started working. We moved out from family. So we now have for rent. We worked so hard taking turns with the kids and working. My job is super demanding and very stressfull. And eversince I started working I have been the bread winner. I paid for rent, our lawyers fees, groceries, you name it for a year. Until, i started to feel brunt out from work not getting anough days off and taking care of the kids. I suddenly felt like I was earning but couldn’t even buy myself something nice. He is very good with the kids, in fact he is better than me at home. He cleans the house, everything! I started to resent him. Before we got married I made it clear with him that I cannot take a relationship wherein I will be the bread winner and he agreed to it. He is hard working but I feel like he is not as aggressive to get what he wants. He moves very slow and I lost confidence in him. I hate myself for bringing up financial stuff and he doesnt like talking about it. It has been 3 years since I started working and I am still the bread winner. He takes care of a few stuff like car payment etc but I take care of the rent and more. I pay for almost everthing when we go on vacations too. I jaut want a relationship wherein we are equal when it comes to finances. I have been saving up for us and he hasn’t. His job doesn’t pay much. I undestand that but I don’t think I can wait anymore for the time he qill be financially okay. I feel like the more I have, the more we are unhappy. Aside from financial, we also have a problem with sex. Sex has never been that good eversince we were together. But I was too inlove not to make a big deal about it. 10 years of being with this man and he still doesn’t know what I want! I try to make hints but he just doesn’t get it. He was also the unaffectionate type and I love being hugged, cuddled. He doesn’t really do that and I would always initiate until I had to pray for me not to be hurt or just get used to it and it happened! I don’t like kissing him and I don’t mind not being hugged. What’s worst is that we never cuddled after sex. I asked him about it last year when I told him I wanted to separate and he said that he didn’t feel very confident. He still is very interested in sex but I am not satisfied. I gave him an ultimatum last year to step up regarding our financial issues but still it’s the same until now. He became super sweet at that time but after a fews mot ha we went back to boring life. He has been starting to work more now even if it meant i had to pay someone for childcare which kond of doesnt make sense. But i really feel like our relationship is now like being friends. I love him but not as a husband. I feel bad for our kids I don’t want them to go through what I have gone thru as a kid when my parents separated. I feel like If i stay I would not be able to live my life to the fullest. Maybe it’s mid-life crisis im in my late 30’s. I just resent him so much bec work has been taking a toll on me but I have no choice but to keep working. I feel like i lost myself in this relationship. I gained so much weight and am too tired to do other stuff aside from work. He is now working on getting his school stuff for him to get another job and higher pay but its taking him so long to do it. It’s been years since he said he was going to take care of it. He is not a lazy person in fact he works hard but He is just slow I feel like I can’t wait for him anymore. On top of that, I feel like we are not emotionally mutual. I am very sensitive, emotional while he is not. I feel like we don’t have anything that much to talk about. Does this mid-life crisis go away? I am so confused. If we didn’t have kids I would have left but it’s different now.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Honestly this doesn't sound like a mid-life crisis but more of an incompatibility.

You have said you've hinted at needing different during sex. You will need to be quite direct and tell him what you want and need. Men aren't good at hints and they're not mind readers. 
Have you also told him how you feel with the financial burden with everything? That you'd like some more support and you need to see him actively working towards making that different?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

LoveChild said:


> I have been married to my husband for 7 years and 3 years together before that. He is such a good husband, father of our 2 kids. We immigrated here 5 years ago and eversince we came it has been very challenging for us especially after the 2nd kid, but we were happy. As soon as I got pregnant with our first kid, I stopped working and he took care of the finances except for rent because we stayed in my house (family). His salary wasnt as big but it was okay. When my son turned 2, I started working. We moved out from family. So we now have for rent. We worked so hard taking turns with the kids and working. My job is super demanding and very stressfull. And eversince I started working I have been the bread winner. I paid for rent, our lawyers fees, groceries, you name it for a year. Until, i started to feel brunt out from work not getting anough days off and taking care of the kids. I suddenly felt like I was earning but couldn’t even buy myself something nice. He is very good with the kids, in fact he is better than me at home. He cleans the house, everything! I started to resent him. Before we got married I made it clear with him that I cannot take a relationship wherein I will be the bread winner and he agreed to it. He is hard working but I feel like he is not as aggressive to get what he wants. He moves very slow and I lost confidence in him. I hate myself for bringing up financial stuff and he doesnt like talking about it. It has been 3 years since I started working and I am still the bread winner. He takes care of a few stuff like car payment etc but I take care of the rent and more. I pay for almost everthing when we go on vacations too. I jaut want a relationship wherein we are equal when it comes to finances. I have been saving up for us and he hasn’t. His job doesn’t pay much. I undestand that but I don’t think I can wait anymore for the time he qill be financially okay. I feel like the more I have, the more we are unhappy. Aside from financial, we also have a problem with sex. Sex has never been that good eversince we were together. But I was too inlove not to make a big deal about it. 10 years of being with this man and he still doesn’t know what I want! I try to make hints but he just doesn’t get it. He was also the unaffectionate type and I love being hugged, cuddled. He doesn’t really do that and I would always initiate until I had to pray for me not to be hurt or just get used to it and it happened! I don’t like kissing him and I don’t mind not being hugged. What’s worst is that we never cuddled after sex. I asked him about it last year when I told him I wanted to separate and he said that he didn’t feel very confident. He still is very interested in sex but I am not satisfied. I gave him an ultimatum last year to step up regarding our financial issues but still it’s the same until now. He became super sweet at that time but after a fews mot ha we went back to boring life. He has been starting to work more now even if it meant i had to pay someone for childcare which kond of doesnt make sense. But i really feel like our relationship is now like being friends. I love him but not as a husband. I feel bad for our kids I don’t want them to go through what I have gone thru as a kid when my parents separated. I feel like If i stay I would not be able to live my life to the fullest. Maybe it’s mid-life crisis im in my late 30’s. I just resent him so much bec work has been taking a toll on me but I have no choice but to keep working. I feel like i lost myself in this relationship. I gained so much weight and am too tired to do other stuff aside from work. He is now working on getting his school stuff for him to get another job and higher pay but its taking him so long to do it. It’s been years since he said he was going to take care of it. He is not a lazy person in fact he works hard but He is just slow I feel like I can’t wait for him anymore. On top of that, I feel like we are not emotionally mutual. I am very sensitive, emotional while he is not. I feel like we don’t have anything that much to talk about. Does this mid-life crisis go away? I am so confused. If we didn’t have kids I would have left but it’s different now.


Stop with the hinting. If you want to see changes you need to be direct and have an adult conversation with him. That goes for everything, not just sex. 

For the cuddly vs not cuddly spouse issues, you should both read the books "The 5 Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

Have you talked to him about why he's taking his sweet time to get better off financially? There could be something else underneath that like anxiety, failure to succeed, etc. 

You would both probably benefit from a marriage therapist.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

MarmiteC said:


> Honestly this doesn't sound like a mid-life crisis but more of an incompatibility.
> 
> You have said you've hinted at needing different during sex. You will need to be quite direct and tell him what you want and need. Men aren't good at hints and they're not mind readers.
> Have you also told him how you feel with the financial burden with everything? That you'd like some more support and you need to see him actively working towards making that different?


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

Yes, we had talks about it last year when I felt I was going crazy with everything happening. I told him about about everything. And he asked me to give him a chance to make it right. I’ve never seen him cry until that time. But Its been a year and its still the same. We went on dates, he bought me a ring (he never proposed coz i got pregnant), took me to hawaii which i spent more than him I guess. And then nothing after that. When it comes to sex he is very conservative. It was the first time we tried to use a sex toy after 9 yrs even if i have told him multiple times that i wanted to experiment. I really thought we were compatible until now.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Stop with the hinting. If you want to see changes you need to be direct and have an adult conversation with him. That goes for everything, not just sex.
> 
> For the cuddly vs not cuddly spouse issues, you should both read the books "The 5 Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
> 
> ...


I feel like he doesn’t really feel the need to do it. He tries to work on. It but with the kids and work he is also busy. But he is always like that, he needs to be pushed to do something. He is not very aggresive. I told hime before I wanted to go to a therapist and he said he didnt beleive in those. Until last year we had a huge fight about everything and i told him everything he agreed to do it. But now i feel like a therapist cant help anymore. Idk. I’ll check out those books. Thank you!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You want the fairy tale -- a high earning husband who let's you stay home & take care of the kids. Because you don't have that, you think less of him as a man & he knows it. Your resentment is leeching into every aspect of your relationship including the bedroom. Maybe try being less critical & stop having one foot outside of your relationship. Who wants to cuddle somebody who doesn't love them? 

Lots of people feel burned out from working. It's not easy getting up & going to work 40+ hours per week, plus commuting,taking care of kids & a house. I feel your exhaustion but you do have a man who contributes by working himself and helping with the house & kids. But you don't value that. You want him to be the bread winner while you be a SAHM. 

He's offering you romance -- vacation in Hawaii with a ring but you are still unhappy. 

Instead of being more demanding & emasculating you need to appreciate all the good qualities about him. He loves you. He's faithful. You have a sex life. Read through all the posts about the people whose spouses deprive them of sex altogether. You have money for vacations no matter who paid for them. 

You really need to look at why you are so fixated on being a kept woman. They are your kids too. If you break up that won't fix your problem. Instead of being the primary bread-winner you may be the only bread winner. I suppose you will free you up to find a new man to allow you to become the kept woman, lady of leisure, gold-digger, you claim to want to be but at what cost? What if your new guy is never around & you grow lonely surrounded by a fancy house but no one to share it with? What it the new guy is cruel to your kids?

Until you are fully vested in this relationship do not marry. He deserves better than a woman who resents him who will spend her life nagging, finding fault & emasculating him.


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## TrailTrekker (10 mo ago)

I’m new around here but wanted to say a couple quick things:

My wife works full time and enjoys it, I also work full time but my job is home based, which makes it easy for me to help with the kids and house.

My love language is acts of service and words of affirmation. Hers is physical touch only. I’m not very physical, and that has been a challenge for us.

What has helped us over twenty years is communicating. When she’s feeling unloved or appreciated, I’ve made a point to hug and cuddle more, making it a priority daily, and that turns it around. She helps me with the house and kids, we do things like that for each other.

How about this: make a list of all the things you appreciate about your spouse here. We’ve seen what you don’t appreciate…it sounds like this guy could try to do more for you, and you could appreciate what he has to offer and add to that with speaking each other’s love languages.

I agree with some other posts in your thread. You could find a new guy, but you could end up in an abusive relationship with a guy who could abuse drugs and alcohol, lie, steal, sleep around, not work, abuse your kids … you get the idea.

The grass isn’t always greener on some other guy’s lawn.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Well, I mean what I think is there are certain repressed things leading to these problems. The pandemic has certainly contributed to financial issue's for everyone, why I understand why you would want for him to be ambitious, you have to also understand that each and everyone has their own issues. What you do have to get a handle on is why you have begun to despise him, because you don't want to be touched by him etc, get to the root of the problem. Because from my vantage point, these are issues, but not big ones, and can be worked through.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Well you are just a real piece of work aren't you. You are full of resentment for a husband who you yourself admit that he is working hard. So your work is demanding. A lot of people's work is demanding and they don't sit around and cry about it. You love being cuddled but he doesn't want to because your resentment of him shows through. Who in their right mind would want to cuddle with someone who resents them? Your sex life is hurting but you admit that you have gained weight. How much have you gained? Enough to become unattractive?

You have build this fairy tale life in your mind and you resent your husband for not creating that life for you. If feel sorry for your husband. He's working hard and you resent him and treat him like crap and cry because you're not getting what you want. So instead of spending your energy resenting him, put that energy to work on yourself. Lose the weight. Replace the resentment with gratitude and start treating him sweetly and then see what happens.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diceplayer said:


> Well you are just a real piece of work aren't you. You are full of resentment for a husband who you yourself admit that he is working hard. So your work is demanding. A lot of people's work is demanding and they don't sit around and cry about it. You love being cuddled but he doesn't want to because your resentment of him shows through. Who in their right mind would want to cuddle with someone who resents them? Your sex life is hurting but you admit that you have gained weight. How much have you gained? Enough to become unattractive?
> 
> You have build this fairy tale life in your mind and you resent your husband for not creating that life for you. If feel sorry for your husband. He's working hard and you resent him and treat him like crap and cry because you're not getting what you want. So instead of spending your energy resenting him, put that energy to work on yourself. Lose the weight. Replace the resentment with gratitude and start treating him sweetly and then see what happens.


I agree. Lots of women, who are mothers, have to work. 

Basically you are complaining because he's not a high earner. 

What a turn off.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adulting is hard. Welcome to the real world. If you wanted to be kept like a pet you should have married a different person. You need to look at yourself and do some work on growing up and realizing that being an adult requires, well, being an adult.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@LoveChild You find yourself in this position of being unhappy with a lot of points (love, sex, finances). If you weren’t married the answer would be clear - reevaluate your compatibility.

But you are married and you should fight for that.
I agree there is likely unreasonable expectations but I also agree that as a couple you should be able to work those out so that you both are happy.

In your situation you have tried to talk to him and it didn’t work. So take it the next level and go to marriage counseling. I personally don’t see finances as the real issue here, I think you’re fundamentally unhappy about something and finances is the easiest thing to blame.

Do some homework and find a good counselor. Work as a team to come together on these issues. Don’t expect for him to MAKE you happy, be happy and proud of your marriage for yourself all on your own.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Once again, as always: Men FYI, there you have it! It doesn't really matter if "some" females say that they don't mind, but the truth is as we see it over, and over around this world: A man that is a SAHD or makes much less than the wife/girlfriend is on average doomed. Women (again, regardless of what they say) want a man that IS the breadwinner, if you are not, prepare yourself to eventually be cast aside when she loses her respect for you, when she starts to look at the men above her in her work environment as alphas; and when she comes home and look at you with contempt and compares you with those men at work or in her circle of acquaintances. This is what you'll get a Ms. @LoveChild.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

The finances part is easily solved: combine your bank accounts and regard everything you both earn as the family income. That way it doesn't matter anymore who earns more. There are some professions that just don't pay that well. This doesn't mean the work is less valuable. It is unfair to pressure your husband into earning more.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You want the fairy tale -- a high earning husband who let's you stay home & take care of the kids. Because you don't have that, you think less of him as a man & he knows it. Your resentment is leeching into every aspect of your relationship including the bedroom.


This is a recurring trend. Most women do not want a stay at home dad or a man who earns less than them. There will be people chiming in "i dont" but the fact remains, most women don't like this situation---at all.

This husband needs to step it up, figure out how to be a man and earn more money asap otherwise his wife is going to be banging her boss at work in no time.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You want the fairy tale -- a high earning husband who let's you stay home & take care of the kids. Because you don't have that, you think less of him as a man & he knows it. Your resentment is leeching into every aspect of your relationship including the bedroom. Maybe try being less critical & stop having one foot outside of your relationship. Who wants to cuddle somebody who doesn't love them?
> 
> Lots of people feel burned out from working. It's not easy getting up & going to work 40+ hours per week, plus commuting,taking care of kids & a house. I feel your exhaustion but you do have a man who contributes by working himself and helping with the house & kids. But you don't value that. You want him to be the bread winner while you be a SAHM.
> 
> ...


I understand what you’re saying. I was a sahm and will never be sahm again. It is very tough. I like to work but my job just makes me exhausted that I can’t give anymore when I come home. I do hav edays off wherein I take care of the children. And I am very torn with being a good mom and working hard as well.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

TheHappyGuy said:


> The finances part is easily solved: combine your bank accounts and regard everything you both earn as the family income. That way it doesn't matter anymore who earns more. There are some professions that just don't pay that well. This doesn't mean the work is less valuable. It is unfair to pressure your husband into earning more.


I already tried this but he can’t. His job doesnt pay that much and he doesnt have enough after the bills.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Once again, as always: Men FYI, there you have it! It doesn't really matter if "some" females say that they don't mind, but the truth is as we see it over, and over around this world: A man that is a SAHD or makes much less than the wife/girlfriend is on average doomed. Women (again, regardless of what they say) want a man that IS the breadwinner, if you are not, prepare yourself to eventually be cast aside when she loses her respect for you, when she starts to look at the men above her in her work environment as alphas; and when she comes home and look at you with contempt and compares you with those men at work or in her circle of acquaintances. This is what you'll get a Ms. @LoveChild.


I have told him about it before we got married. I know a lot of people/women who are breadwinners but still their husbands cheat on them. And i didn’t want that to happen to us. I have seen my aunts work their assess off and their husbands stay at home with the kids but the husbands aren’t happy. But They are still together until now. I guess it works for them.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> This is a recurring trend. Most women do not want a stay at home dad or a man who earns less than them. There will be people chiming in "i dont" but the fact remains, most women don't like this situation---at all.
> 
> This husband needs to step it up, figure out how to be a man and earn more money asap otherwise his wife is going to be banging her boss at work in no time.


I have told him about it before we got married. I know a lot of people/women who are breadwinners but still their husbands cheat on them. And i didn’t want that to happen to us. I have seen my aunts work their assess off and their husbands stay at home with the kids but the husbands aren’t happy. But They are still together until now. I guess it works for them.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @LoveChild You find yourself in this position of being unhappy with a lot of points (love, sex, finances). If you weren’t married the answer would be clear - reevaluate your compatibility.
> 
> But you are married and you should fight for that.
> I agree there is likely unreasonable expectations but I also agree that as a couple you should be able to work those out so that you both are happy.
> ...


Thank you for this response. I came to this forum because I am desperate. I know a lot of people think of it as me just wanting to rich man but that was never the case. I have never cheated on anyone and I’d rather leave than cheat on him. Maybe you are right, there are other things I am concerned of. There’s more to this that I couldnt post bec it would be a really longer one. I will be following your advice. Thank you!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm not sure about throwing out the "gold digger" term, but agree otherwise.



D0nnivain said:


> You want the fairy tale -- a high earning husband who let's you stay home & take care of the kids. Because you don't have that, you think less of him as a man & he knows it. Your resentment is leeching into every aspect of your relationship including the bedroom. Maybe try being less critical & stop having one foot outside of your relationship. Who wants to cuddle somebody who doesn't love them?
> 
> Lots of people feel burned out from working. It's not easy getting up & going to work 40+ hours per week, plus commuting,taking care of kids & a house. I feel your exhaustion but you do have a man who contributes by working himself and helping with the house & kids. But you don't value that. You want him to be the bread winner while you be a SAHM.
> 
> ...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LoveChild said:


> Thank you for this response. I came to this forum because I am desperate. I know a lot of people think of it as me just wanting to rich man but that was never the case. I have never cheated on anyone and I’d rather leave than cheat on him. Maybe you are right, there are other things I am concerned of. There’s more to this that I couldnt post bec it would be a really longer one. I will be following your advice. Thank you!


Very good, I’m glad you have a direction. I hope the very best for you and your marriage.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> I already tried this but he can’t. His job doesnt pay that much and he doesnt have enough after the bills.


What does he do for a living and what do you do?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> Thank you for this response. I came to this forum because I am desperate. I know a lot of people think of it as me just wanting to rich man but that was never the case. I have never cheated on anyone and I’d rather leave than cheat on him. Maybe you are right, there are other things I am concerned of. There’s more to this that I couldnt post bec it would be a really longer one. I will be following your advice. Thank you!


What you want is 100% acceptable and it is what most woman want. You want a strong man who can provide for you and your family. When the man fails to live up to this the wife becomes unhappy, resentful, and unattracted to him.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @LoveChild You find yourself in this position of being unhappy with a lot of points (love, sex, finances). If you weren’t married the answer would be clear - reevaluate your compatibility.
> 
> But you are married and you should fight for that.
> I agree there is likely unreasonable expectations but I also agree that as a couple you should be able to work those out so that you both are happy.
> ...


Thank you for this response. I came to this forum because I am desperate. I know a lot of people think of it as me just wanting to rich man but that was never the case. I have never cheated on anyone and I’d rather leave than cheat on him. Maybe you are right, there are other things I am concerned of. There’s more to this that I couldnt post bec it would be a really longer one. I will be following your advice. Thank you!


thunderchad said:


> What does he do for a living and what do you do?


He’a a cook and i am a nurse. Eversince the pandemic started it really had a toll on me. I wanted to quit bec of what was happening but I couldn’t. He is also a nurse but unfortunatley he lost all his school documents bec he was forced into being one. He was going to graduate as an IT but lack one more semester. What’s frustrating me is it has taken him years to process his school stuff even when we talked about him doing it. We focused on his catering business for a while coz i wanted him to do what he loves. But it has been slow bec of the pandemic.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> What you want is 100% acceptable and it is what most woman want. You want a strong man who can provide for you and your family. When the man fails to live up to this the wife becomes unhappy, resentful, and unattracted to him.


I understand that not what everyone sees but that is how I feel. No matter how much I try to tell myslef maybe I’m wrong that’s just how I feel. And he knew it before we got married. I don’t want to end up like my aunts and her friends who are breadwinners, their kids growing up resenting their dad coz the mom is the breadwinner and some still end up being cheated on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LoveChild said:


> I have told him about it before we got married. I know a lot of people/women who are breadwinners but still their husbands cheat on them. And i didn’t want that to happen to us. I have seen my aunts work their assess off and their husbands stay at home with the kids but the husbands aren’t happy. But They are still together until now. I guess it works for them.


I understand all you're saying, but now you're married with children. You need first to understand that when you emigrated to the US (correct me if I'm wrong) after 3 years of marriage, the whole dynamics changed, socially and economically. Depending on what your husband professionally is, then it might not be possible for him to surpass you at the economical level, unless he gets into a new profession that would pay him better than what you are being pay right now. You need to come to terms with yourself about your situation. If you already lost all respect for your husband it would be better if you leave him before you get it on with another man, because, eventually that's what will happens.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LoveChild said:


> He’a a cook and i am a nurse.


I'm not trying to diss on cooking as a profession, because I worked as one while in college, but to be realistic, you as a nurse has a much, much, higher economical potential than he'll ever be as a cook, unless he becomes one of those ultra famous celebrity chefs. You are surrounded with Drs, and all kind of well pay professional in the medical field. It would be almost impossible for him as a cook to match or surpass you in earnings potential, specially if you are a certified nurse. You need to get realistic here. what is it that he been studying at a slow pace? does that profession has a higher earning potential than a nurse? if not then you are at point zero all over again. Think about this. Are you willing to live with him knowing that he might never match you?


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm not trying to diss on cooking as a profession, because I worked as one while in college, but to be realistic, you as a nurse has a much, much, higher economical potential than he'll ever be as a cook, unless he becomes one of those ultra famous celebrity chefs. You are surrounded with Drs, and all kind of well pay professional in the medical field. It would be almost impossible for him as a cook to match or surpass you in earnings potential, specially if you are a certified nurse. You need to get realistic here. what is it that he been studying at a slow pace? does that profession has a higher earning potential than a nurse? if not then you are at point zero all over again. Think about this. Are you willing to live with him knowing that he might never match you?


He is also a nurse but the school he went to lost his documents. He has been trying to figure out what to do but its taking him years to even ask people. He also almost finished an IT degree. What’s bothering me is that he has seen me cry to work almost everyday last year and he is still taking his time to do it. He can help me with the finances but not very assertive in doing what needs to be done. I’m ok that he doesn’t match me financially but I would prefer that we are 50/50.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LoveChild said:


> He is also a nurse but the school he went to lost his documents. He has been trying to figure out what to do but its taking him years to even ask people. He also almost finished an IT degree. What’s bothering me is that he has seen me cry to work almost everyday last year and he is still taking his time to do it. He can help me with the finances but not very assertive in doing what needs to be done. I’m ok that he doesn’t match me financially but I would prefer that we are 50/50.


Then, you probably are not matched with the right guy. He seems not to be a go getter, a laid back kind of an individual; or moving here has caused him to deflate emotionally and psychologically. Probably what he needs is a wake up call from you. If that doesn't get him off his ass, then, you have your answer. Proceed as it fits you, because, obviously you're not happy with him not matching your perception of what a man is.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Then, you probably are not matched with the right guy. He seems not to be a go getter, a laid back kind of an individual; or moving here has caused him to deflate emotionally and psychologically. Probably what he needs is a wake up call from you. If that doesn't get him off his ass, then, you have your answer. Proceed as it fits you, because, obviously you're not happy with him not matching your perception of what a man is.


That’s what I have been thinking. Yes, he is not a go getter. I try to help him but I have so much on my plate with young kids and work. We agreed on it last year and he tried to change for a while but then we are back to this. Thank you so much for you responses and your time. I appreciate it.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> He is also a nurse but the school he went to lost his documents. He has been trying to figure out what to do but its taking him years to even ask people. He also almost finished an IT degree. What’s bothering me is that he has seen me cry to work almost everyday last year and he is still taking his time to do it. He can help me with the finances but not very assertive in doing what needs to be done. I’m ok that he doesn’t match me financially but I would prefer that we are 50/50.


It sounds like he's lazy and un-motivated. He has a nursing degree but the school lost his paperwork? Either he's lying or he's not very smart because a phone call or two should be able to take care of that.

Why didn't he finish the IT degree? Those are pretty easy and there's tons of IT jobs open right now paying good money.

He needs to man up and take of this. Have you tried telling him directly...I want to see X, Y, and Z or I'm leaving?


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> It sounds like he's lazy and un-motivated. He has a nursing degree but the school lost his paperwork? Either he's lying or he's not very smart because a phone call or two should be able to take care of that.
> 
> Why didn't he finish the IT degree? Those are pretty easy and there's tons of IT jobs open right now paying good money.
> 
> He needs to man up and take of this. Have you tried telling him directly...I want to see X, Y, and Z or I'm leaving?


He is not lazy but yes, he is not a go getter. He has very unrealistic views about finances because he is not paying most of it. Yes, that’s what I have been telling him. Who looses school paper work? He didn’t finish his IT degree because his father told him to enroll in nursing and thats what he did. Let’s just say he didn’t take school seriously. He lost him mom suddenly at 21 and things changed for him and his family after. I told him it’s either he process his nursing stuff or finish his IT degree but it’s taking him so long to even start or call. Which is frustrating me so much.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> He is not lazy but yes, he is not a go getter. He has very unrealistic views about finances because he is not paying most of it. Yes, that’s what I have been telling him. Who looses school paper work? He didn’t finish his IT degree because his father told him to enroll in nursing and thats what he did. Let’s just say he didn’t take school seriously. He lost him mom suddenly at 21 and things changed for him and his family after. I told him it’s either he process his nursing stuff or finish his IT degree but it’s taking him so long to even start or call. Which is frustrating me so much.


I think he needs a wake-up call from you. Tell him your expectations clearly and give him a realistic timeline and say if this doesn't happen you are getting divorced.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> I think he needs a wake-up call from you. Tell him your expectations clearly and give him a realistic timeline and say if this doesn't happen you are getting divorced.


I did that last year and I guess i’ll have to give him 1 more chance this year. Thanks a lot for your time and advice.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> I did that last year and I guess i’ll have to give him 1 more chance this year. Thanks a lot for your time and advice.


It seems like he doesn't take you seriously. Can you move out for a few days? Stay with friends? Normally that is a wake-up call and shows seriousness.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> It seems like he doesn't take you seriously. Can you move out for a few days? Stay with friends? Normally that is a wake-up call and shows seriousness.


I can’t we have 2 kids, 4 and 6. We talked about him moving out last year but then I would feel so bad for the kids. Esp our daughter who is very sensitive/emotional. Last year, he stopped smoking cold turkey. We have talked about it before our daugter was born that he would stop smoking and he promised me but he only stopped last year when I told him I’d leave him bec of our issues. So it takes him years and an ultimatum to get things done.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> I can’t we have 2 kids, 4 and 6. We talked about him moving out last year but then I would feel so bad for the kids. Esp our daughter who is very sensitive/emotional. Last year, he stopped smoking cold turkey. We have talked about it before our daugter was born that he would stop smoking and he promised me but he only stopped last year when I told him I’d leave him bec of our issues. So it takes him years and an ultimatum to get things done.


I suppose you could say, I want to see z,y, and z by May 1st or we are getting separated and he's moving out.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> I suppose you could say, I want to see z,y, and z by May 1st or we are getting separated and he's moving out.


Yes ilI guess I would do that. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it so much!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I’m sticking with my suggestion. No need to set ultimatums or see a lawyer or anything drastic yet. Get him and you in front a counselor and follow their advice.

If he doesn’t respond in that environment, then escalate. Make it real to him. But don’t start with a big stick. If it was me that would just tick me off. Give him a chance to hear you with a professional helping him hear.

If he won’t go to marriage counseling, then skip that and bring out the ‘big sticks’. Ultimately, it’s right that he might not be the guy for you. But people and marriages, are worth taking the right steps to find out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LoveChild said:


> He is not lazy but yes, he is not a go getter. He has very unrealistic views about finances because he is not paying most of it. Yes, that’s what I have been telling him. Who looses school paper work? He didn’t finish his IT degree because his father told him to enroll in nursing and thats what he did. Let’s just say he didn’t take school seriously. He lost him mom suddenly at 21 and things changed for him and his family after. I told him it’s either he process his nursing stuff or finish his IT degree but it’s taking him so long to even start or call. Which is frustrating me so much.


I would say he’s passive. Very passive. I personally couldn’t tolerate that.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

thunderchad said:


> I think he needs a wake-up call from you. Tell him your expectations clearly and give him a realistic timeline and say if this doesn't happen you are getting divorced.


Agreed. We all have our preferences and you are entitled to yours.

I would, however, be careful about setting reasonable expectations. If you set them too high then you may make him check out and / or you might have a hard time finding someone meeting your expectations even if you do decide to move on. 

So, make sure you can articulate what you want from him, and why. As an example, ssying you expect a nice home and car (rather than a comfy home and reliable car) and putting it mostly on him, because you consider that "your level" probably won't work.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

TrailTrekker said:


> I’m new around here but wanted to say a couple quick things:
> 
> My wife works full time and enjoys it, I also work full time but my job is home based, which makes it easy for me to help with the kids and house.
> 
> ...


I have tried to communicate with him for years. I have told him that he has changed eversince our first child. The sweet small stuff that he used to do he doesn’t do anymore. When we are watching a movie he would sit away from me. I would tell him but he didn’t care. Until last uear when I really opened up with him and he saw how it was really affecting me. Trying to be close to someone and him being nit touchy and all even the numerous times i told him. You’d be fed up too. He isn’t very good in communicating. He leaves everytime I try to talk to him. He has never been emotional and would not let me in. Honestly, I am not thinking of another partner right now. I just want to focus on myself and kids first. I feel like i’d rather be alone woth my kids than be with a relationship that has no passion. I know marriage is like that but I can’t be with someone who im not inlove with and him not inlove with me.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LoveChild said:


> I know marriage is like that but I can’t be with someone who im not inlove with and him not inlove with me.


It's never easy, but you just can't spend the rest of your watching it pass you by. 

If everything is as you said after you explained in better details on your subsequent replies from your OP, then in my opinion is time for a serious talk between the two of you in front of a marriage counselor.

Based on what your terms are in that meeting, you can proceed with either a plan to go forward if things go well, or a final ultimatum. You must be ready and determined to follow through with whatever is that you determined as the ultimatum. 

If you gives an ultimatum and do not follow through, then you lost, because he will now know that you don't mean a thing you say. Back to square one.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> It's never easy, but you just can't spend the rest of your watching it pass you by.
> 
> If everything is as you said after you explained in better details on your subsequent replies from your OP, then in my opinion is time for a serious talk between the two of you in front of a marriage counselor.
> 
> ...


Exactly my thoughts. I feel like i will be letting my life pass me by if I keep on waiting for him to act on it. He was hesistant for a marriage counselor before but now he has opened up and is willing to do it. Thank you so much. You’ve been a great help.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

God bless you for being a nurse. That is not an easy job at the best of times but through the pandemic it's been really tough. 

You need to readjust some of your thinking. 

1. He's never going to be a go-getter. That is simply not him. Not everybody is a Type-A person. You spend all day around doctors & other medical professionals who are Type-A so the contrast in him when you get home is more glaring. Instead of focusing on what he's not, look at the good things about him. Make a list. He's caring. He loves you & the kids. He's a romantic. He's a good cook. He is laid back. That is more of a good thing than you know. Two type As in a relationship is bad thing. 

2. Reach out to the school yourself. It makes no sense that that lost his paperwork. Unless the place burned down, that seems so unlikely. Understand he may not want to be a nurse. He seems to have done that because his father told him to. Once he gets his IT degree, that education may make him better suited to deal with health related IT issues which sounds like a great niche. 

3. Sit down with him & make a budget. Talk about what you need financially for the family. Maybe take a money / finance education course together. I know Dave Ramsey has one. I'm sure there are others. 

4. Keep a gratitude journal. Write down everything that is good in your life. Every morning write 3 things that you are grateful for. Every night write 3 more. Try to vary them. They don't have to be profound, but they can be. When I do this exercise in the winter the down comforter on our bed makes the list a lot. 🥶

5. Brainstorm with him about improving the catering business. Have him go to a local SBDC to get ideas. The world is re-opening. Show him how to make money while he's finishing the degree 

6. Perhaps look into a different kind of nursing. If you are on call at a hospital maybe it's time to pivot to a doctor's office or surgical center for better hours. 

7. Stop thinking you have to be superwoman & do it all. Let him deal more with the house if he has time Instead of castigating him for that, celebrate his contributions. 

8. Adjust your sleep patterns & eating habits to get more energy if those aspects of your life are not already optimized.

9. Read thread about saving your marriage by saving yourself. Ask your husband what you can do for him.

Best wishes.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In life, there are Chiefs and there are Indians,,, You picked the Indian...It doesn't necessarily mean he's good or bad, he is who he is...

It's not easy being the wife/partner of a Chief, though, so be careful what you wish for...


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## TrailTrekker (10 mo ago)

LoveChild said:


> I have tried to communicate with him for years. I have told him that he has changed eversince our first child. The sweet small stuff that he used to do he doesn’t do anymore. When we are watching a movie he would sit away from me. I would tell him but he didn’t care. Until last uear when I really opened up with him and he saw how it was really affecting me. Trying to be close to someone and him being nit touchy and all even the numerous times i told him. You’d be fed up too. He isn’t very good in communicating. He leaves everytime I try to talk to him. He has never been emotional and would not let me in. Honestly, I am not thinking of another partner right now. I just want to focus on myself and kids first. I feel like i’d rather be alone woth my kids than be with a relationship that has no passion. I know marriage is like that but I can’t be with someone who im not inlove with and him not inlove with me.


OK I understand feeling that way, but I’m not sure why you’re posting about these things, it seems as is your mind is made up. You’ve also listed financial and educational issues, along with motivation. I’m not trying to be critical, just trying to get to the root of the problem.

If you’ve tried counseling, and nothing is changing, an ultimatum may be in order. I assume you would have already left this guy, but you’re hanging on, maybe for the kids, I don’t know.

My wife had constant issues with our marriage until she discovered her need to physical touch was spilling out into every area of our life, she resented me and it was awful for several years.

She basically was done unless I changed. I literally wrote on my daily planner to hug and kiss my wife for 10 minutes every day. At first I thought it was fake, but it meant everything to her.

My little adjustment saved our marriage and we are doing better now than ever.

Your husband may need a kick in the pants, the thought of you gone may be enough, but you have to be sure it’s all about physical touch.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m sticking with my suggestion. No need to set ultimatums or see a lawyer or anything drastic yet. Get him and you in front a counselor and follow their advice.
> 
> If he doesn’t respond in that environment, then escalate. Make it real to him. But don’t start with a big stick. If it was me that would just tick me off. Give him a chance to hear you with a professional helping him hear.
> 
> If he won’t go to marriage counseling, then skip that and bring out the ‘big sticks’. Ultimately, it’s right that he might not be the guy for you. But people and marriages, are worth taking the right steps to find out.


yes, I am looking for a marriage counselor now near our area. I guess it would be better to talk with someone rather than me discussing it with him because he gets irritated when I ask him sometimes. Thanks a lot!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LoveChild said:


> yes, I am looking for a marriage counselor now near our area. I guess it would be better to talk with someone rather than me discussing it with him because he gets irritated when I ask him sometimes. Thanks a lot!


Absolutely it would be better. Even when couples are on the same page about things having a trained professional to talk to can alleviate doubts and worries.

Speak to your counselor first and read up on them to make sure they are really qualified for your situation before jumping in. Not all counselors are created equally!


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

DTO said:


> Agreed. We all have our preferences and you are entitled to yours.
> 
> I would, however, be careful about setting reasonable expectations. If you set them too high then you may make him check out and / or you might have a hard time finding someone meeting your expectations even if you do decide to move on.
> 
> So, make sure you can articulate what you want from him, and why. As an example, ssying you expect a nice home and car (rather than a comfy home and reliable car) and putting it mostly on him, because you consider that "your level" probably won't work.


I stopped expecting from him since last year because he has made so many promises like before moving to a new place he said he was going to contribute for rent it's been a year and he still hasn't contributed. He's saying coz he hasn't worked that much bec of the holidays and all. He is the type that wouldn't go out of his way to make things happen. he is very passive.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> God bless you for being a nurse. That is not an easy job at the best of times but through the pandemic it's been really tough.
> 
> You need to readjust some of your thinking.
> 
> ...


Actually, he is not a romantic that's one of my problems. He used to be sweet when we were still dating but after our first kid it changed. I always feel like he wouldn't let me in. 9 years being with him without being hugged/cuddled I decided I should just give up hoping he would. However, he has been starting to be touchy ever since our talk last year. But I feel like it's a little late. I already despise him for that. Yes, I did contact his school. The nursing dept closed and they threw all the paper works they said. He will be focusing on IT now since that was his first choice. I have been doing the finances and stopped for a year. But I told him last year we need to make a budget again and till now he still is not giving me anything. I heard about the dave ramsey i'll look that up. I was going to work outpatient or anything besides bedside nursing but I just got a new job at a very good hospital so I'd have to stay for now. But eventually, I would have to work part time or per diem with this hospital bec it's been causing more stress for us. Working nights doesn't help either but it works bec of our kids school. Thanks a lot! I would have to try doing that journal too.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> In life, there are Chiefs and there are Indians,,, You picked the Indian...It doesn't necessarily mean he's good or bad, he is who he is...
> 
> It's not easy being the wife/partner of a Chief, though, so be careful what you wish for...


Yes, I liked being in charge before but after having 2 kids I can't do it all.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

TrailTrekker said:


> OK I understand feeling that way, but I’m not sure why you’re posting about these things, it seems as is your mind is made up. You’ve also listed financial and educational issues, along with motivation. I’m not trying to be critical, just trying to get to the root of the problem.
> 
> If you’ve tried counseling, and nothing is changing, an ultimatum may be in order. I assume you would have already left this guy, but you’re hanging on, maybe for the kids, I don’t know.
> 
> ...


If we didn't have kids, yes, I would have left him years ago. We haven't tried counseling yet but I am looking for one now. It started with the physical touch. It has been very important for me as well to be hugged everyday. I craved it. I would always be the one to do it until I realized he wasn't the touchy type, I stopped. He has been trying to dot hat now but I'm still getting used to it again.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Absolutely it would be better. Even when couples are on the same page about things having a trained professional to talk to can alleviate doubts and worries.
> 
> Speak to your counselor first and read up on them to make sure they are really qualified for your situation before jumping in. Not all counselors are created equally!


That's true I would need to really choose the one that would fit us. Thanks a lot!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LoveChild said:


> He is not lazy but yes, he is not a go getter. He has very unrealistic views about finances because he is not paying most of it. Yes, that’s what I have been telling him. *Who looses school paper work?* He didn’t finish his IT degree because his father told him to enroll in nursing and thats what he did. Let’s just say he didn’t take school seriously. He lost him mom suddenly at 21 and things changed for him and his family after. I told him it’s either he process his nursing stuff or finish his IT degree but it’s taking him so long to even start or call. Which is frustrating me so much.


An incompetent school. That exact same situation happened to me, the college I went to lost documents and caused me a lot of hassle. I was able to fix the issues, but no thanks to them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LoveChild His father made him give up his IT course to train as a nurse?

Might the issues your husband have date back to his childhood? I think he could benefit greatly from individual counselling.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LoveChild said:


> I stopped expecting from him since last year because he has made so many promises like before moving to a new place he said he was going to contribute for rent it's been a year and he still hasn't contributed. He's saying coz he hasn't worked that much bec of the holidays and all. He is the type that wouldn't go out of his way to make things happen. he is very passive.


I understand your dilemma. What I am saying is that you do have expectations that your partner help out more financially. You're unwilling to tolerate the current situation so you have two choices: leave your husband or try to work with him.

Assuming you go with the latter option, you need to tell him what you expect. You can't just say "do more". You need clear goals that are reasonable. For instance, expecting him to work full-time using his education and skills is reasonable. Expecting him to contribute meaningfully to a decent lifestyle and secure future is reasonable. Expecting him to earn $100k or more probably is not reasonable.


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> @LoveChild His father made him give up his IT course to train as a nurse?
> 
> Might the issues your husband have date back to his childhood? I think he could benefit greatly from individual counselling.


We never thought of that! But I guess he would need one too. Yes, the school not having his docs sucks. Thank you!


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## LoveChild (10 mo ago)

DTO said:


> I understand your dilemma. What I am saying is that you do have expectations that your partner help out more financially. You're unwilling to tolerate the current situation so you have two choices: leave your husband or try to work with him.
> 
> Assuming you go with the latter option, you need to tell him what you expect. You can't just say "do more". You need clear goals that are reasonable. For instance, expecting him to work full-time using his education and skills is reasonable. Expecting him to contribute meaningfully to a decent lifestyle and secure future is reasonable. Expecting him to earn $100k or more probably is not reasonable.


That’s right. Hoping that us talking to a therapist would help. It’s been a cycle of being not ok then we’re ok. Maybe that’s why he feels it’s ok not to step up. Thank you!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LoveChild said:


> That’s right. Hoping that us talking to a therapist would help. It’s been a cycle of being not ok then we’re ok. Maybe that’s why he feels it’s ok not to step up. Thank you!


Fair warning that he could be doing this intentionally. You've seen the men (and women, to a lesser extent) complain about the lack of sex, the LD partner cranks it up for a bit, then reverts to their long-term behavior? You might be seeing the same thing here - he doesn't want you gone so he's doing the minimum to keep you around.

The same advice applies as the sex situation. You need to express clear (but reasonable) expectations. You need to express consequences for not doing what you need. You need to acknowledge that it might be difficult for him, but you need him to work on resolving whatever is keeping him from wanting to contribute well.

The assumption for this last part is - again - that he's not really trying. If he's only making minimum wage as a grown-ass man, or isn't working full-time, that's not good enough. If he's working diligently but isn't up to your standards, you need to evaluate your standards. For instance, if you make a high income (lets say you are a middle manager, or a police officer working significant overtime), would you criticize your husband for making average money (about $1k per week for a full-time worker)?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LoveChild It might not be his income that is the main concern. Looking from the outside I'd say it is his lack of affection toward you should be the main concern.

You need to establish why he changed, is he suffering from a depressive illness, etc. Theraphy should be able to help here.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I think the suggestions of counseling are good. As well as finishing the IT coursework if that is what he wants.
Also, I notice you seems to like to “keep score” with $$. I think it’s okay to encourage our spouses to earn more or try to reach their full potential however, this keeping score… “we went on vacation but I paid for more than him” etc etc is never going to be helpful to your relationship. Hopefully, the counselor will have some good tools to offer for opening communication. I think your situation has completely snowballed and there are probably many reasons he is not stepping up. Maybe he feels nagged to death, maybe he feels overwhelmed being a cook and taking care of children/home. Sometimes people get so overwhelmed they can’t do anything to change. Hopefully counselor can help. However you have got to recognize that a counselor will not make him in to a different person. Work on communication. Maybe make a change where the two of you combine all of your finances and sit down and handle bills, savings decisions etc together. Lay it out for him in a spreadsheet … this is what we have each payday… these are our bills… let’s work together to handle this.

I also notice you mentioned in several posts about relatives that are women who end up being breadwinners and still get cheated on. Do you think that being a bread winner (or not) protects or doesn’t protect people from being cheated on? Is something going on that makes you fearful of your husband cheating on you? Just wondering where that is coming from.

I understand that you recently started in a new position however,one discussion you should have with your husband is that is working nights an issue? 
Everyone one s different but I personally see working night shift or shift opposite your spouse as mostly negative in a marriage. I know many do it and make it work but I think it puts uneccessary stress in the marriage especially when small/smaller children are involved. I’ve lived it, hated it and recommend avoiding it. Thats me though.

Oh, and back to paying bills and going over finances. This cannot be a thing here and there. Do once every 2 weeks.

im sorry about typos in this. My phone is being difficult. It changes my spelling, changes my words, makes it difficult to start a new paragraph. Sorry.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

LoveChild said:


> I have been married to my husband for 7 years and 3 years together before that. He is such a good husband, father of our 2 kids. We immigrated here 5 years ago and eversince we came it has been very challenging for us especially after the 2nd kid, but we were happy. As soon as I got pregnant with our first kid, I stopped working and he took care of the finances except for rent because we stayed in my house (family). His salary wasnt as big but it was okay. When my son turned 2, I started working. We moved out from family. So we now have for rent. We worked so hard taking turns with the kids and working. My job is super demanding and very stressfull. And eversince I started working I have been the bread winner. I paid for rent, our lawyers fees, groceries, you name it for a year. Until, i started to feel brunt out from work not getting anough days off and taking care of the kids. I suddenly felt like I was earning but couldn’t even buy myself something nice. He is very good with the kids, in fact he is better than me at home. He cleans the house, everything! I started to resent him. Before we got married I made it clear with him that I cannot take a relationship wherein I will be the bread winner and he agreed to it. He is hard working but I feel like he is not as aggressive to get what he wants. He moves very slow and I lost confidence in him. I hate myself for bringing up financial stuff and he doesnt like talking about it. It has been 3 years since I started working and I am still the bread winner. He takes care of a few stuff like car payment etc but I take care of the rent and more. I pay for almost everthing when we go on vacations too. I jaut want a relationship wherein we are equal when it comes to finances. I have been saving up for us and he hasn’t. His job doesn’t pay much. I undestand that but I don’t think I can wait anymore for the time he qill be financially okay. I feel like the more I have, the more we are unhappy. Aside from financial, we also have a problem with sex. Sex has never been that good eversince we were together. But I was too inlove not to make a big deal about it. 10 years of being with this man and he still doesn’t know what I want! I try to make hints but he just doesn’t get it. He was also the unaffectionate type and I love being hugged, cuddled. He doesn’t really do that and I would always initiate until I had to pray for me not to be hurt or just get used to it and it happened! I don’t like kissing him and I don’t mind not being hugged. What’s worst is that we never cuddled after sex. I asked him about it last year when I told him I wanted to separate and he said that he didn’t feel very confident. He still is very interested in sex but I am not satisfied. I gave him an ultimatum last year to step up regarding our financial issues but still it’s the same until now. He became super sweet at that time but after a fews mot ha we went back to boring life. He has been starting to work more now even if it meant i had to pay someone for childcare which kond of doesnt make sense. But i really feel like our relationship is now like being friends. I love him but not as a husband. I feel bad for our kids I don’t want them to go through what I have gone thru as a kid when my parents separated. I feel like If i stay I would not be able to live my life to the fullest. Maybe it’s mid-life crisis im in my late 30’s. I just resent him so much bec work has been taking a toll on me but I have no choice but to keep working. I feel like i lost myself in this relationship. I gained so much weight and am too tired to do other stuff aside from work. He is now working on getting his school stuff for him to get another job and higher pay but its taking him so long to do it. It’s been years since he said he was going to take care of it. He is not a lazy person in fact he works hard but He is just slow I feel like I can’t wait for him anymore. On top of that, I feel like we are not emotionally mutual. I am very sensitive, emotional while he is not. I feel like we don’t have anything that much to talk about. Does this mid-life crisis go away? I am so confused. If we didn’t have kids I would have left but it’s different now.


Marriages goes through different stages. It takes time to get it to where you want to be. Most men are little slower on the draw than us women. When we want something, we want it now. 
If he is a hard worker, give it time, things will get better. 

And just an advise, my mom told us girls since we were young. Always take care of yourself, the same man you are neglecting yourself for, will one day wake up and ask- why do you look like that? 

Also, my mother-in-law gave me the best financial advise and I swear, it have propelled my husband's and I portfolio. Put your money together. Don't have him pay part the bills and you part, the balance is split and used up without a trace. Due to doing this we were able with two small salaries (we had nothing when we first got married) in the beginning to take care of both our parents, ourselves, and start a business. What we did and do to this day is have one person save all the finances in one account. 10% of that goes to savings to pay down on a property. We pay our bills, go on dates like twice or trice a month. Any spending outside of these were discussed. We were able to pay off our mortgage in 10 years. And purchased 3 other properties cash (we have 3 businesses now, so our financial power has grown).

Another thing we did is set long term goals to accomplish and short terms as the reward. Example: we wanted to build a house, so what I did in the mean time was buy materials bit by bit and paid down on the bigger stuff and made monthly payments. It felt like we were moving forward. By the time the house started the mortgage was not under strain to do everything.

What you are going through can last a season if you devise a plan or a long time if you magnify it. Believe me, your husband already feels defeated, he knows he is not matching up. It is hard as women at times that we have to hold so much up, and still be beautiful and pleasant and what's not. It not fare, but it's our burden to bare. And you can bare it. And in the future when all is well, you will know and him, that we got through this together.

I hope this was helpful.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Also, if there is an issue of trust as it relates to finances do open a joint account that has the and/or option. Just the 'and', this means both parties have to approve a transaction.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I am having trouble swallowing this business about school losing his paperwork when everything is electronic and has been for at least 20 years. I am wondering if he is making that up and maybe never did have those credentials. You should definitely call the school yourself. They are not going to tell you anything specifically about his paperwork without a signed release of information signed by him. But you can ask in general if that is even what happened and why they have nothing in place to restore people's credentials.


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## Catcha128 (8 mo ago)

I am in the same situation. I have a high paying job but he does not. Our pay will never match, and I really don't care. I did not marry him for his job. I have been the 100% breadwinner since day 1. What bothers me is it does not bother him and he does not pay for literally anything. I even pay his car, insurance, gas, phone etc... (well, he pays for cable, which i dont care much for) he has literally close to zero expenses, but he saves zero too. This is bizarre. I save n spend on necessity and he spends on his hobbies. I do not know where his money goes. I helped him start his business recently. Since he does not pay any home expenses, based on my calculations he should be able to pay all the business expenses, but he kept coming back and telling me he cannot pay rent. Then I realised he spend some much buying equipment that he is in debt and needs to pay those off at the same time. I warned him not to spend more than he earned. But its too late. I gave him all my bonus and some part of my savings, told him spend within your means. If you cannot pay with this sum, don't buy. He disregarded what I said and overspend! Now I really really resent him. I cannot afford that rent and our regular expenses, and that's that. I told him to set up a plan to get more clients but he just sits on it. Just worrying every day, but going no where. I cannot talk to him any more. This week he spent half a day setting up a cage for a lizard he bought which I never agreed to bring home. I do not want to see the lizard, I refuse to sit in my family room with the lizard sitting behind. Last night we had a huge argument. We stopped talking.


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## derelwex (5 mo ago)

Well, I mean what I think is there are certain repressed things leading to these problems. The pandemic has certainly contributed to financial issue's for everyone, why I understand why you would want for him to be ambitious, you have to also understand that each and everyone has their own issues. What you do have to get a handle on is why you have begun to despise him, because you don't want to be touched by him etc, get to the root of the problem. Because from my vantage point, these are issues, but not big ones, and can be worked through.


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