# is my sex drive "normal"? or am i a Satyriac?



## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Please understand, first and foremost, this is not meant to be silly, or a joke. This is an actual problem that I think I have in my life, that not only effects my marriage, but also my day to day life. I have been searching online for other examples/instances, and came across this forum and decided to see in an anomynous setting, with a captive audience, what kind of response/opinions I could get.

I am 32 years old, I have been married for 13 years to the same wife. Dated her for 3 years before that, never broken up, never been seperated, etc. Literally, half of my life, has been spent with her. We are in love, we are very much compatible with one another in many ways. Many of our friends and aquaintences are envious of our relationship, and our honesty with one another, and ability to be as best friends throughout the years. We have one son together, and he too, is a dream, and the model citizen and child.

Now to my "issue"/questions. I have a terribly, massivley high sex drive. I have for as long as I discovered what a sex drive was/is. It's never really subsided, or gotten larger, just sort of always been there. And I don't mean a sex drive for just "having sex". I mean a "sex drive" for all things sexual, meaning sex with my wife, masturbation, pornography, thinking about sex, dreaming about it, lusting for it, reading about it, learning about it, etc. the issue of "sexuality", practically consumes me, to the point that I have often prayed, cried, and been so mad at myself about it, that I have wished I was blind so that I couldn't see all the beauty in the world, or wished I was inpotent, or something/anything to stop the cravings/thoughts. 

I do NOT think sexuality is evil, and have no qualms regarding what I do and how i feel, so this isn't really a morale debate in my mind, it just really sucks for many reasons to be this way. Also, I have never cheated on my wife, I have never been with anyone other than my wife before her, as we started dating when I was only 15, and we got married virgins. I do not think I have a bad disorder or anything, because I am able to control it in the sense of I am not out looking for sex with other people, etc. and can usually satisfy my cravings (for the most part) with masturbation if needed. Sex is so complex to me, I can view it as simply fulfilling a need, as a completely physical thing with zero emotional attachment, OR as a moving, loving, super emotional thing that brings people closer together. I think I am different than a lot of guys in my views/thoughts on sex, love, and sexuality. My wife is very similar in her thoughts, and we have even occasionally "messed around" with other people together, nothing crazy like swingers, but same room sex, the girls kissing, etc. I only bring that up to illustrate that my wife is amazing, gorgeous, sexually adventourus, kinky, and just as in love with me as I am with her, so I don't think that she has anything "wrong" with her at all, and I am not dissatisfied with her in any way, BUT-

I feel like i have spent most of my married life reading, studying, and waiting, for my wifes libido to "catch up" to mine. Our marriage hasn't always been the best, and we used to not have the honesty that we now share. I have always been honest, up front, sometimes unfortunately to the point of rudeness, but that's how i've always been. I would tell her anything and everything. She used to feel embarassed about admitting certain things to me, and would lie, or withhold the truth. Things about her sexual fetishes, what she thinks about when she masturbated, what turned her on, what turned her off, her interest in voyerism, etc. About two years ago, when some of our good friends, that we looked up to in their marriage, and what we thought at the time was a very open, honest, happy marriage, got divorced, it really caused both of us to examine our own marriage. This is when my wife really "came clean" about her fantasies, fetishes, thoughts, sexuality, etc. and because of it we had about a years worth of the best sex ever. It was sexy, it was exciting, we experimented, we had sex daily, and I felt like my insane sexual drive was getting fulfilled, and I thought to myself, "wow, she has finally hit her prime, her libido, her sexual peak, this is great!". Well unfortunately, that time is passed, and although our marriage is still open, honest, and we are just as much in love as ever, we are back to having sex once a week, or twice a week, or once every two weeks, and I am always the one initiating it again.

Sorry for the long story, but here's the point of why I started this thread in the first place, I feel like I HAVE to have sex, like it is a need, a truly physical, emotional need, and when I don't, I masturbate, sometimes two, three times a day, generally ANY oppportunity I have, I am doing it. In the shower, when the wife is gone to the store, etc. but masturbation doesn't fill the emotional need I have, or the physical need completely sometimes. When I am not getting the sex I need, I get cranky, mean, and irritable. I start getting upset, I start arguments with my wife, I nit pick over the smallest, dumbest things. Once we have sex, i am FINE. Literally, like instantly fine. I can go from pissed off, throwing things, yelling at my wife, my son, and friends, to having sex with my wife, to a smile on my face and wanting to solve world hunger in a matter of MINUTES. It's messed up, and I hate it, but I have told my wife before, "all you have to do is have sex with me, once a day, and love it, and sometimes initiate it, and give me the physical, emotional things that I get from sex with my wife, and we will never, ever, ever fight, and I will never get in my crazy bad moods", and I TRULY believe that. It sounds' insane, but my sex life directly influences my attitude towards EVERYTHING, and It's like I'm still a teenager, and constantly horny. My wife can come out of the shower, in a towel, after being married to her for this long, and with her for more than half my life, and I can simply get a glance of her from across the room in that towel, and I get hard as a rock, and want to make love to her that instant. 

Does this sound normal at all? Am I crazy? Is there a medical term for this? Can I be helped, short of cutting off my penis and poking out my eyes?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi 30something ~

Everybody has a different sex drive, and it can fluctuate with time and circumstances. So, I don't think that you can say a sex drive isn't "normal" UNLESS it is causing you or others undue distress.

I guess, technically, you might say that you have "hypersexuality". Hypersexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I came across this article on another forum I participate in (more Christian oriented forum, but the article is very straight-forward), whereby it goes in to the fact that sexual release causes chemicals ("feel good" chemicals) to be released in a person's brain. Basically, if you don't get your "fix", you don't have those good chemicals in your brain and you go through withdrawal. When it gets to that point, perhaps it is an addiction. Chronic Masturbation

Again, I don't think it's a problem unless you feel like it is affecting many aspects of your life. If so, perhaps you should explore, maybe in counseling, why you have this constant need. As well, have you tried to 're-direct' some of that sexual energy in to other pursuits - your job, your hobbies, etc.

Best wishes.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you for the response Enchantment.

I know I wrote a lot, so I do not discount you for perhaps missing part of what I was trying to say, but my "need" for sexuality I believe DOES cause myself, and others undue distress. That's the whole reason I think I may have a "problem", and not just "horny". Also like I said, my sex drive doesn't really fluxuate. It remains pretty constant, and has for as long as I can remember. I don't really think it's an addiction, although I am happy to entertain that thought, if it is helpful to me. I'm not addicted to porn, or masturbation, or women, or multiple partners, or anything like that. I simply know that when I am not having sex with my wife on a very regular basis (at least once every other day), that by the third or fourth day without sex, It very obviously, and noticably effects my mood, makes me argumentive, and irritable, and not good to be around, which once i've reached that "boiling point", and blow up, generally causes more time to go by before we have sex again, because I am being a ****. It's a vicous cycle.

and lastly, I honestly don't understand how I, or anyone for that matter, can "re-direct sexual energy to anything that isn't of a sexual nature. I don't comprehend how that is possible. I don't mean that to be rude, but it's the truth, it makes zero sense to me. can you explain how it is possible for someone to take these feelings- physically craving orgasm, and at the same time emotionally craving closeness with the person they've spent more than half their life with, and at the same time be so attracted to them in every way, every day, that you get crazy feelings like you just want to eat them up, and be with them constantly if you could, and just spend the days laying together on a beach, making love and holding each other continually, and take all of THOSE feelings, feelings of love, sexuality, closeness, etc., and "re-direct them" to something as mundane, ritualistic, boring, and terrible as a job/work? i can't even see the connection there.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It does sound like your sex drive is much higher than normal and causing some anxiety and/or depression. You should talk to your doctor about taking an anti-depressant, which should help your mood. A side effect of SSRIs, which would be beneficial in this case, is a decreased libido.

It also sounds like your sexual frequency is below average. Slightly over 2x a week is the average for married couples. It sounds like that's a good week for you and you sometimes go a week or more without sex. So you need to up your frequency there. For help with that, check out Married Man Sex Life and start running Athol's MAP.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> I simply know that when I am not having sex with my wife on a very regular basis (at least once every other day), that by the third or fourth day without sex, It very obviously, and noticably effects my mood, makes me argumentive, and irritable, and not good to be around, which once i've reached that "boiling point", and blow up, generally causes more time to go by before we have sex again, because I am being a ****. It's a vicous cycle.


I actually don't think this is that abnormal. I have read of others that are like this - and my own husband gets a bit moody (nothing really horrible, though) when he doesn't get it often enough.

Where is your wife with all of this? Is she not wanting to have sex as often as you? Is that what the issue is? Is she realizing why you are moody, but not willing to help out?



30somethingmale said:


> and lastly, I honestly don't understand how I, or anyone for that matter, can "re-direct sexual energy to anything that isn't of a sexual nature. I don't comprehend how that is possible.


I meant to re-direct some of that frustration in to other avenues. My own H would often throw himself into other physical pursuits (running, weight lifting) or projects around the house to 'wear himself out' and keep his mind occupied on other things. He also worked on directing his thoughts towards other areas of self-improvement - reading, praying, meditating, etc.

You make your drive seem like it's such a burden. I am not understanding if that is because your wife is not available to help you with it, or if it's indicative of something else - such as not just fulfilling an emotional need, but if you need it to feel worthy or validated. If that is the case you may want to explore those feelings with a professional.

Best wishes.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I actually don't think this is that abnormal. I have read of others that are like this - and my own husband gets a bit moody (nothing really horrible, though) when he doesn't get it often enough.
> 
> Where is your wife with all of this? Is she not wanting to have sex as often as you? Is that what the issue is? Is she realizing why you are moody, but not willing to help out?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response.
As for where my wife is in all of this, here are my thoughts on that. We talk as I said, very openly about everything. She knows that I have a higher sex drive than her. She says she does not have as much of a sex drive as I do. But she also says, she wishes we had sex more often than we do, as we do have the occasional "dry spell" of a couple weeks without any sexual interaction. This is when we argue, and our arguments, regardless of what they're about, ALWAYS end up the same- I tell her "I wouldn't be so argumentative, and so annoyed, if I had a more active sex life!" "I get angry when I go for so long without sex!" And her reply always is this "I would have sex with you more often if we didn't argue so much!" "I don't want to have sex with you when you are so angry, and annoyed!"

For years, it has always been much like the chicken and the egg conversation. Right or wrong, my opinion, and my retaliation to this ongoing argument has always been this, "You say to me you would have sex with me more often if we didn't argue and I wasn't annoyed, I say I get argumentative and annoyed because of lack of sex, so simply have sex with me every day, and see if I get annoyed, and argumentative". 

She tried that "test" out once, but she didn't realize she did. The time I mentioned in my first post, about back when we had great sex, often, and life was wonderful on all levels. And we didn't argue, I wasn't a jerk, I wasn't annoyed, and we had sex daily, and life was good. 

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but it really seems pretty simple to me, we have EVERYTHING else a marriage needs, communication, love, understanding, openness, honesty, best friends, etc. and I think it's a fairly simple blueprint I've laid out for her, Love me, and have sex with me, and things will be glorious on ALL levels.


In regards to why I treat my drive like it's a burden, is possible because of many reasons. My upbringing pehaps, I was a preachers son, and have zero emotional memories of my family, as in I was never kissed, hugged, told "I love you" by my parents, and maybe I'm attempting to fill a void from my youth by being consumed with love, sex, and emotion? I also consider it a "burden", because it doesn't seem normal to me to be so consumed by sexual thoughts for my entire adult life, to the point that it interupts my day, and things I should be doing. And also because it does effect my marriage, and my mood, and my attitude, and concerns me.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It does sound like your sex drive is much higher than normal and causing some anxiety and/or depression. You should talk to your doctor about taking an anti-depressant, which should help your mood. A side effect of SSRIs, which would be beneficial in this case, is a decreased libido.
> 
> It also sounds like your sexual frequency is below average. Slightly over 2x a week is the average for married couples. It sounds like that's a good week for you and you sometimes go a week or more without sex. So you need to up your frequency there. For help with that, check out Married Man Sex Life and start running Athol's MAP.


I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with what "ssris" means, or what "running athol's map" means.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

30somethingmale said:


> When I am not getting the sex I need, I get cranky, mean, and irritable. I start getting upset, I start arguments with my wife, I nit pick over the smallest, dumbest things. Once we have sex, i am FINE. Literally, like instantly fine. I can go from pissed off, throwing things, yelling at my wife, my son, and friends, to having sex with my wife, to a smile on my face and wanting to solve world hunger in a matter of MINUTES. It's messed up, and I hate it, but *I have told my wife before, "all you have to do is have sex with me, once a day, and love it, and sometimes initiate it, and give me the physical, emotional things that I get from sex with my wife, and we will never, ever, ever fight, and I will never get in my crazy bad moods"*, and I TRULY believe that. It sounds' insane, but my sex life directly influences my attitude towards EVERYTHING, and It's like I'm still a teenager, and constantly horny.
> 
> Does this sound normal at all? Am I crazy? Is there a medical term for this? Can I be helped, short of cutting off my penis and poking out my eyes?


This paragraph struck me as a potential issue IMO. You acknowledge you have a strong drive for sex, and you asking your wife to help you, which is cool, except you are attaching expectations on top of her just giving to you... i.e. she needs to love it, initiate it at times. I personally would have a difficult time even having sex with my H if he was a jerk (pissed off, throwing things, yelling at your wife and son ~ doesn't exactly make me want to jump in the sack with someone and enjoy it to boot) about everything as you explained that you are UNTIL you get it. It somewhat sounds like an addiction and you're whole mood revolves around getting sex at least once a day... I'm not sure if I'm reading that correctly and I am certainly no expert.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> Thank you for your response.
> As for where my wife is in all of this, here are my thoughts on that. We talk as I said, very openly about everything. She knows that I have a higher sex drive than her. She says she does not have as much of a sex drive as I do. But she also says, she wishes we had sex more often than we do, as we do have the occasional "dry spell" of a couple weeks without any sexual interaction. This is when we argue, and our arguments, regardless of what they're about, ALWAYS end up the same- I tell her "I wouldn't be so argumentative, and so annoyed, if I had a more active sex life!" "I get angry when I go for so long without sex!" And her reply always is this "I would have sex with you more often if we didn't argue so much!" "I don't want to have sex with you when you are so angry, and annoyed!"
> 
> For years, it has always been much like the chicken and the egg conversation. Right or wrong, my opinion, and my retaliation to this ongoing argument has always been this, "You say to me you would have sex with me more often if we didn't argue and I wasn't annoyed, I say I get argumentative and annoyed because of lack of sex, so simply have sex with me every day, and see if I get annoyed, and argumentative".
> ...


Definitely read the blog you were referred to above, Athol has basically the same problem but has developed a way to deal with it. As for the chicken and egg thing, you're the one with the (perhaps excessive) needs, you need to be the one initiating the solution to the problem. In other words, you need to exercise some self-control over your emotions in order to have things "go your way". Women find emotional self-control to be sexy, which among other things you will learn on the other blog. Start in the archives and read forward. He also has a book. Once you learn self-control, you will be perfectly "normal".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have too much money and am too handsome. Also my Bentley is too awesome. I am disgusted.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

If your wife agreed to be intimate 4-5 times a week, how would your mood be? My husband is similar - really high drive and gets moody if it has been a few days. Luckily my drive is pretty high for a woman, though not as high as his. What if you brought it up like this:

Honey, I really need intimacy at least 5 (or whatever works for you) out of 7 nights a week. At least one of them needs to be "gourmet sex" (candles, music, massage, kink, whatever you two are into). A couple of times can just be "regular sex" (your typical 30 minute fun romp). The other few times could be mainly focused on you (HJ, BJ, whatever). I think sometimes a lower drive person just does not need "the big O" during every sexual encounter and if they feel like they have to reach that for sex to be fulfilling, it can start to feel like a chore. Having said that, if she is "servicing" you, it still needs to have major intimacy, otherwise you feel bad or not connected to her. For example: when it is just for him, I am really into his reactions. Sometimes this leads to mutual satisfaction, sometimes I just want to focus on his pleasure. If I went in with the attitude of "when will this be over?", he would pick up on that and that is usually worse than no sex. Anyway, just my thoughts.

Good luck!


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Cherry said:


> This paragraph struck me as a potential issue IMO. You acknowledge you have a strong drive for sex, and you asking your wife to help you, which is cool, except you are attaching expectations on top of her just giving to you... i.e. she needs to love it, initiate it at times. I personally would have a difficult time even having sex with my H if he was a jerk (pissed off, throwing things, yelling at your wife and son ~ doesn't exactly make me want to jump in the sack with someone and enjoy it to boot) about everything as you explained that you are UNTIL you get it. It somewhat sounds like an addiction and you're whole mood revolves around getting sex at least once a day... I'm not sure if I'm reading that correctly and I am certainly no expert.


I am not going to try to cover anything up, or make excuses. I think you are right to some degree in your opinion, as well as I didn't do a very good job of explaining my intent/what I meant by that paragraph. I don't feel it's my wife's "duty" to please me, or anything like that. And to me, i think that the "expectations" of wanting my wife to enjoy having sex, and get the same pleasure from it as I do, solidifies what I am trying to defend. It would seem if it was all about just getting off, or physical, etc., that I wouldn't care about how she felt, or if she enjoyed it, etc. I desire all the things that sexuality with the love of your life encompass, which part of are wanting someone, being wanted, sharing with someone, making them feel good, feeling good from them, etc.

And I would have a hard time wanting sex with someone who was a jerk, throwing things, yelling, etc. as well. I am honestly much like what people generally stereotype women as, in the sense that I have to feel loved, cared for emotionally and physically, feel desired, and all that other "mushy crap" to even have sex, and enjoy it. 

for example, me and my wife have had the argument before that starts from, and turns into sex, in regards to me saying I need to have it more often. Then we will go to bed, and I will do all the usual "hints", like brush up against her, hold her, kiss her, rub on her, etc. and she will be oblivious to what I'm trying to initiate. This makes me mad, so I sigh and roll over. She then asks me what's wrong, and I say something like "we just argued about how we don't have enough sex, 15 minutes ago, now we're in bed, and I'm trying to initiate sex with you, and you don't get it." "it's not sexy for me to say something like, hey baby, lets do it, it's just cheesey, and lacks romance, and passion, and love." So then after arguing in bed again, she starts rubbing on me, as if I can just magically want to have sex after being shot down, having it withheld from me for days, bring it up, discuss it, agree to have more sex, try to initiate it again, get shot down again, then argue again, and usually I don't want to, I'm not in the right frame of mind, I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted, or needed, or like I matter at all. but the silliest part of all? I usually calm down after about 10 minutes, then we end up having great sex.

I'm rambling now, but I believe I must be rambling for a reason, and it will all work itself out in the end, so thank you for listening.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I have too much money and am too handsome. Also my Bentley is too awesome. I am disgusted.


WTF is this supposed to mean?


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

HappyWife40 said:


> If your wife agreed to be intimate 4-5 times a week, how would your mood be? My husband is similar - really high drive and gets moody if it has been a few days. Luckily my drive is pretty high for a woman, though not as high as his. What if you brought it up like this:
> 
> Honey, I really need intimacy at least 5 (or whatever works for you) out of 7 nights a week. At least one of them needs to be "gourmet sex" (candles, music, massage, kink, whatever you two are into). A couple of times can just be "regular sex" (your typical 30 minute fun romp). The other few times could be mainly focused on you (HJ, BJ, whatever). I think sometimes a lower drive person just does not need "the big O" during every sexual encounter and if they feel like they have to reach that for sex to be fulfilling, it can start to feel like a chore. Having said that, if she is "servicing" you, it still needs to have major intimacy, otherwise you feel bad or not connected to her. For example: when it is just for him, I am really into his reactions. Sometimes this leads to mutual satisfaction, sometimes I just want to focus on his pleasure. If I went in with the attitude of "when will this be over?", he would pick up on that and that is usually worse than no sex. Anyway, just my thoughts.
> 
> Good luck!



Thank you for your response. This is exactly what I have tried many times in the past, and last night, after having another argument (two weeks without sex, over my birthday even) I told her something very similar to this. But this time she said something back differently, she said, "do you really think if we had sex regularly, we wouldn't argue, we wouldn't fight like this anymore?" And I replied with what I believe as the truth, I told her, "yes, i completely believe that. We will still have arguments about things that normal people SHOULD argue about, very few and far between though. But the B.S. arguments we have, like tonight, are always about, stemmed from, or a direct result of lack of sex."

She said she's going to try it, so we will see how that goes, and I mean that with a very optomistic heart.

What still bothers me in this scenario though, is she has amazing orgasms, like I get aroused just thinking about how awesome they are, and to watch her have one, I mean like crazy horror movie mind blowing is that girl possesed, lol. She loves me as much as I do her, she's attracted to me, she says she loves sex, she loves to be with me sexually,we have a great marriage, friendship, etc. and because of all that, I feel like we shouldn't need to talk about this sort of thing, it should just kind of "happen". for me to say "Honey, I really need intimacy at least 5 out of 7 nights a week." makes me feel like I'm asking for something, and that she would be doing me a favor, and/or helping me out by doing this "favor" for me. To me, yeah, I would still get the physical satisfaction of orgasm, but I would lose all of the emotional, sensual, sexy stuff that comes from someone wanting sex because they love and care about you.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

30somethingmale said:


> for example, me and my wife have had the argument before that starts from, and turns into sex, in regards to me saying I need to have it more often. Then we will go to bed, and I will do all the usual "hints", like brush up against her, hold her, kiss her, rub on her, etc. and she will be oblivious to what I'm trying to initiate. This makes me mad, so I sigh and roll over. She then asks me what's wrong, and I say something like "we just argued about how we don't have enough sex, 15 minutes ago, now we're in bed, and I'm trying to initiate sex with you, and you don't get it." "it's not sexy for me to say something like, hey baby, lets do it, it's just cheesey, and lacks romance, and passion, and love." So then after arguing in bed again, she starts rubbing on me, as if I can just magically want to have sex after being shot down, having it withheld from me for days, bring it up, discuss it, agree to have more sex, try to initiate it again, get shot down again, then argue again, and usually I don't want to, I'm not in the right frame of mind, I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted, or needed, or like I matter at all. but the silliest part of all? I usually calm down after about 10 minutes, then we end up having great sex.
> 
> I'm rambling now, but I believe I must be rambling for a reason, and it will all work itself out in the end, so thank you for listening.


Okay, got it. My H has a higher sex drive then mine, and it used to be an issue, but we've started meeting in the middle (thanks to the wealth of advice on these forums!). Hopefully you can find some answers or suggestions that will help


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

From what I can read several people have offered several different options and you have either negated them or said "been there, done that". 

Why can you just not take it as fact that your wife does not have the same libido that you have? Even if she has the same sexual beliefs you have, a sex drive difference is still the main problem. But you don't seem to acknowledge that, take it as fact and move on.

Sounds like your wife is doing EVERYTHING to meet your needs and you are still not happy. And honestly I think you are feeling sorry for yourself in all of this and that would be a huge turn off to my wife. My wife doesn't want a big titty baby being all mad about sex. If I get that way, she is less and less turned on or emotionally connected.

I also think you need a hobby to rechannel some of your drive. Workout, mountain bike, shooting with the boys, something to burn off that energy. If you are doing these things, do them more.

I am 40 years old and have been married for 20 years also to the same person with three great children. I also have a wife with a sex drive much less than mine. But I have learned (from many men on this board) how to deal with that, but also to help my wife's drive be on the increase.

You need to search posts started and replied from MEM113633, BigBadWolf, Deejo, Conrad, AFEH and others on the Thermometer and Manning UP posts. These will help you greatly.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

joelmacdad said:


> From what I can read several people have offered several different options and you have either negated them or said "been there, done that".
> 
> Why can you just not take it as fact that your wife does not have the same libido that you have? Even if she has the same sexual beliefs you have, a sex drive difference is still the main problem. But you don't seem to acknowledge that, take it as fact and move on.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you, as well as everyone elses opinions, otherwise I would not have bothered posting on a forum in the first place.

I do take offense though, at your attitude towards me, and my "been there, done that" attitude. I don't mean to come across taht way at all, The entire point of my posting here, was about me, and my issues, and my concerns regarding myself, and the way I affect those around me. My posting here was not in regards to my wife, or anything to do with her. I gave a brief history of my marriage, and my wife, and our life together, to help give someone some insight to my life, to hopefully help form opinions on my original question(s) which were about me, and my problems, and how I feel about them, and my curiousity of if they were normal, or not, since I don't usually get the chance to discuss my sexual issues so candidly, as I can behind the wall of annonymity.

My wifes sex drive is NOT the problem, my sex drive I believe is what may be a problem, and that is what I'm trying to seek advice/opinions/council on. The conversation keeps getting steered towards my wife, and her sex drive. I understand why they keep getting steered that way, if our libidos matched, there most likely would not be an issue at all.

Like i said, If my wife had sex with me every day, I think I would be happier, and not get discouraged, bad moods, etc. That is NOT HER PROBLEM though, and I apologize to anyone and everyone including her if I have ever thought or insinuated that. It is MY PROBLEM, I don't feel normal for feeling that way, and I came here explaining my thoughts, my desires, etc., while sharing insight into my life so that hopefully the obvious suggestions, advice, like "how do you approach her about sex", etc. would not be offered. I don't want to talk about my wife anymore please, and I don't want to come across as a phsyco, or a jerk here. I just would like opinions, insight, etc. based on me, and my issues. I am not blaming my wife for anything, I am not really blaming anyone, I'm just curious if anyone else feels the way I do regarding sex, and the pain of not getting it as often as you'd like, and the complexity of lust, love, emotion, raw primal animalistic sexuality, and how they all exist in sex, and that's ok, and if there is a treatable program, drug, counsel, etc. that can help me to understand my sexuality more, and why I feel the way I do.

And I apologize again, but I still don't understand this re-focusing of energy. I don't want to work out, shoot guns, etc. I want to have sex. And shooting a gun, or working out, or whatever, isn't going to make that sexual desire go away, only having sex will.

This is silly, but I once had a "theory", that my orgasms were somehow magical, and better than everyone elses, so intense, and amazingly awesome, and that no one else who had orgasms had any that came close to touching the intensity, feeling, amazing, etc. as mine did. I based this theory off of the fact that mine are amazing, like i almost die a little bit, and that I wanted to orgasm constantly, and could not understand why others did not. 

Again, I apologize, I too led off track, and strayed from the original point of me coming here in the first place. I probably have enough sexual fetishes, thoughts, ideas, theories, etc., to devote an entire new section of the forums to me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> Like i said, If my wife had sex with me every day, I think I would be happier, and not get discouraged, bad moods, etc. That is NOT HER PROBLEM though, and I apologize to anyone and everyone including her if I have ever thought or insinuated that. It is MY PROBLEM.


There it is. You found what the issue is.

See, what you said "if my wife had sex with me everyday, I *think* I would be happier" is just like anybody else saying something like "if I had [_insert what you want here_], I *think* I would be happier." 

Nope, it just doesn't work that way. Happiness must come from WITHIN yourself. It is a choice that YOU can make, not just a chance. And hanging your happiness on the actions of another? Nope, no chance of happiness there. Nobody wants to have that responsibility for another, and nobody will be able to live up to the task anyway.

Look at the ways that you can feel happy and fulfilled in and of yourself, on your own, just being your OWN man. Do some soul-searching, do some reading - check out the materials others have mentioned, maybe consider looking in to IC for yourself.

"_No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change_." ~ Barbara de Angelis 

Best Wishes.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> There it is. You found what the issue is.
> 
> See, what you said "if my wife had sex with me everyday, I *think* I would be happier" is just like anybody else saying something like "if I had [_insert what you want here_], I *think* I would be happier."
> 
> ...


Thank you for this gorgeous piece of advice. 
I knew this, and still couldn't see it until you showed it to me. Unfortunately it is much more complex, and i'm not some super unhappy, depressed, angry person. These "spats", are really pretty few and far between, and I have an amazing life, and am a very optimistic, positive person, and surround myself with positive energy. I simply strive for perfection, and sometimes incorrectly focus on tiny things, and make them much bigger than they are.
Can you please elaborate on what an "IC" is though? I don't know what that means.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

I never mean to come across with an attitude just with honesty. Apologies.

I agree with Enchantment 100%...you are lending sex to happiness. Not going to happen.

Honestly, if you can't understand how re-channeling that sexual energy will help anything, I believe you do need to seek individual counseling.

No amount of advice from anyone on this board will be a great answer for you.

Best of luck and please post any updates.


the


30somethingmale said:


> Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you, as well as everyone elses opinions, otherwise I would not have bothered posting on a forum in the first place.
> 
> I do take offense though, at your attitude towards me, and my "been there, done that" attitude. I don't mean to come across taht way at all, The entire point of my posting here, was about me, and my issues, and my concerns regarding myself, and the way I affect those around me. My posting here was not in regards to my wife, or anything to do with her. I gave a brief history of my marriage, and my wife, and our life together, to help give someone some insight to my life, to hopefully help form opinions on my original question(s) which were about me, and my problems, and how I feel about them, and my curiousity of if they were normal, or not, since I don't usually get the chance to discuss my sexual issues so candidly, as I can behind the wall of annonymity.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> WTF is this supposed to mean?


Are you worried you have too much sex or are you resentful?


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

By the way you write these huge paragraphs and think so deeply about things I'd say you are a bit like me.

I've always been an "over-thinker" and horny as a ten-peckered goat

A few months ago I talked to a doctor about the over-thinking part and he asked me to describe my thinking habits. He put me on a mild ADHD/anxiety medication and I've noticed huge improvements in my thought processes.

It does have the side effect of lowering my libido but I'm not going to switch meds for awhile because it's nice not being a slave to my urges in my late 30's. 

Might be worth a try, these things get worse as we age. I wasn't this bad in my 20's.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

joelmacdad said:


> Honestly, if you can't understand how re-channeling that sexual energy will help anything, I believe you do need to seek individual counseling.


Sorry, It's actually much simpler (or complex?) than that. What I don't understand is not how it will help, but how it is done. I apologize if I said it incorrectly. The entire concept doesn't make sense to me, as in I'm confused. What I mean is, I don't understand how sexual drive, being horny, wanting to have an orgasm, emotional connection, is connected in any way to shooting guns, working out, playing a video game, etc.


To me it's like this- 

If someone is trying to stop eating meat, and to become a vegetarian, and they get a craving for fried chicken, generally someone doesn't say "when you crave fried chicken, try re-focusing that craving towards shooting guns." Instead, generally what you would hear is "when you crave fried chicken, here is a really good tofu recipe, it tastes just like chicken!"

much like when I crave sex, and it is unavailable to me, I will masturbate. I think this is normal, and makes sense. But sometimes, masturbation just isn't enough, and I want the real deal, just like eventually that fried tofu, no matter how much it tastes like chicken, it isn't freaking chicken and you know it. and shooting a gun, or working out, isn't going to make it any more chicken, and isn't going to make me say "man, I was totally wanting some chicken, but now that I've worked out and shot guns, I don't even want chicken anymore!"

This thought process of refocusing energy from sex, horniness, etc. towards working out, etc. makes even less sense to me when there is nothing wrong with craving emotionally satisfying good sex from the love of your life.

If my problem was with heroin, the refocusing of energy from herion to something else makes sense. It helps the addict get their mind off of the drug, and helps them to concentrate on something legal, and healthier, and better for them.

What is illegal, wrong, or unhealthy about an orgasm, either by yourself, or with a consenting partner?


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Are you worried you have too much sex or are you resentful?


Neither. 

again I ask though,


> I have too much money and am too handsome. Also my Bentley is too awesome. I am disgusted.


What does that mean? I understand the words, but not the relevance to anything in this thread.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Wrench said:


> By the way you write these huge paragraphs and think so deeply about things I'd say you are a bit like me.
> 
> I've always been an "over-thinker" and horny as a ten-peckered goat
> 
> ...


Thank you for this, I have heard it before, and it's most likely true. I should look into in further. If you think I type a lot, you should hear me talk, haha. I talk so much just to try to get a simple point across, even I want myself to shut up. It's a terrible flaw of mine. Over explaining/talking.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> Thank you for this, I have heard it before, and it's most likely true. I should look into in further. If you think I type a lot, you should hear me talk, haha. I talk so much just to try to get a simple point across, even I want myself to shut up. It's a terrible flaw of mine. Over explaining/talking.


Ha, I hear ya!

I never thought I would take a pill everyday because I thought it would change my personality. But it's actually helped me focus on things better and I like it, it takes a few weeks to kick in but I'm going to keep taking it for now.

Can't hurt to try.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

30somethingmale said:


> Sorry, It's actually much simpler (or complex?) than that. What I don't understand is not how it will help, but how it is done. I apologize if I said it incorrectly. The entire concept doesn't make sense to me, as in I'm confused. What I mean is, I don't understand how sexual drive, being horny, wanting to have an orgasm, emotional connection, is connected in any way to shooting guns, working out, playing a video game, etc.
> 
> 
> To me it's like this-
> ...


It's wrong if its causing turmoil in your relationship and you are not helping to do anything about it... much like an alcoholic believing their drinking is fine so what can they do to fix everyone's perception that things are f'ed up because the alcoholic drinks...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

30somethingmale said:


> I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with what "ssris" means, or what "running athol's map" means.


SSRI is short for "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor." They are a class of antidepressant that includes Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and others. These drugs could help you in two ways. First, by relieving some of your depression and anxiety. Second, by decreasing your libido.

As for Athol's map, Athol Kay is the blogger who writes Married Man Sex Life and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. His MAP stands for Marital Action Plan. It's designed to get more sex out of your wife. Basically, you need to adjust your expectations, change your approach, and see what happens.

Your drive is atypical. But your wishes for more sex are typical. Your wishes that your wife would initiate rather than respond to you are typical. You can change some of that and you just need to accept some of it.

For example, women are hard-wired biologically to respond to men's sexual advances. It is literally not in them to get horny and initiate. That's not to say women will never initiate sex. But their default setting is to wait for you and then decide yes or no. So sitting around getting mad that your wife waits on you to initiate is like getting mad at fish for swimming. That's what they do.

Also, you need to figure out that it is impossible to argue your way into more sex. You should give that up right now. I understand you get grumpy. But I can tell you that nobody in the history of the world has debated a woman into the sack. You woo them. You seduce them. That's what you should be doing. Athol can give you many useful tips on doing this, like the 10-second kiss.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> SSRI is short for "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor." They are a class of antidepressant that includes Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and others. These drugs could help you in two ways. First, by relieving some of your depression and anxiety. Second, by decreasing your libido.
> 
> As for Athol's map, Athol Kay is the blogger who writes Married Man Sex Life and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. His MAP stands for Marital Action Plan. It's designed to get more sex out of your wife. Basically, you need to adjust your expectations, change your approach, and see what happens.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> SSRI is short for "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor." They are a class of antidepressant that includes Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and others. These drugs could help you in two ways. First, by relieving some of your depression and anxiety. Second, by decreasing your libido.
> 
> As for Athol's map, Athol Kay is the blogger who writes Married Man Sex Life and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. His MAP stands for Marital Action Plan. It's designed to get more sex out of your wife. Basically, you need to adjust your expectations, change your approach, and see what happens.
> 
> ...


I wish the had a like button... very nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> SSRI is short for "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor." They are a class of antidepressant that includes Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and others. These drugs could help you in two ways. First, by relieving some of your depression and anxiety. Second, by decreasing your libido.
> 
> As for Athol's map, Athol Kay is the blogger who writes Married Man Sex Life and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. His MAP stands for Marital Action Plan. It's designed to get more sex out of your wife. Basically, you need to adjust your expectations, change your approach, and see what happens.
> 
> ...


This is great advice!


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

I was going to second this, but I see I'm fourth in line! 

Great, great response.



PHTlump said:


> SSRI is short for "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor." They are a class of antidepressant that includes Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, and others. These drugs could help you in two ways. First, by relieving some of your depression and anxiety. Second, by decreasing your libido.
> 
> As for Athol's map, Athol Kay is the blogger who writes Married Man Sex Life and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. His MAP stands for Marital Action Plan. It's designed to get more sex out of your wife. Basically, you need to adjust your expectations, change your approach, and see what happens.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

And the award goes to PHT this really should help if you understand it and try to incorporate it in your life.

I'll just add from a woman's point of view. Maybe you can think of sex with your wife like this - She is not having sex to stop you from acting badly or to get you off or to make you feel loved. Those things happen but they are secondary. 

Also putting it in those terms may make you seem childish, out of control and weak I think. You may lose your wife's respect and sexual attraction. 

I say this from a woman standpoint that would be how I would react. Women usually need to feel that their man is in control and are masters of their piece of the universe. It makes us feel safe and that you can take care of a family. 

Putting it in terms of mutually meeting both you and your wife's needs may work better. That means that you need to compromise as you expect her to compromise. Instead of the frequency for you want, agree upon a frequency for both, somewhere in the middle. 

Your reaction to the advice to exercise to siphon off some sexual energy was interesting. Why would you not do that if it works? It does not mean that you think you drive is not normal. You yourself said that it distress you. Do you think rejecting exercise as an option is consistent.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Did everybody miss this part: "I can go from pissed off, throwing things, yelling at my wife, my son, and friends". Really? 
You sound like an addict with behavior to match.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

thank you everyone for your help/advice/opinions. Some of it was very helpful, and some of it I appreciated the attempt, but since this is my life we're talking about, and I couldn't possibly sum it all up in a couple posts on a forum, I honestly disregarded as a nice attempt that completely missed the mark.

Here's an update-as far as the original question/point of this thread, I do not think there is anything abnormal about my sex drive, and I do not think I am an addict, or have a problem at all. I think I am perfectly normal in that sense. I think I DO have a problem/habit of exhaggerating, blowing things out of proportion, over analyzing, talking too much, and making mountains out of molehills. I do think my wife has a somewhat lower than average sex drive, nothing crazy or too far out of the ordinary, but after talking more, and together examining all the "evidence", the reasons have become obvious to both of us. Those reasons are time, life, schedules, attitude, and attraction. None of these reasons are "deal breakers", or major issues, and no feelings were hurt during the conversation, and nothing was said that both of us didn't already know or assume anyways, it is just several little things combined to make sex sometimes not as appealing as it could/should be. This is not a hypothesis, or assumption, this is fact, discussed and decided by the two of us. We have a plan in place, and have no doubt it will succeed.

As far as my own "issues", i.e. getting angry, I was connecting them to lack of sex in my mind, and while we both can admit that they are somewhat connected, nothing is ever quite that simple. I have some social problems, and while some of them are getting better, some of them are getting worse. They have a lot to do with my upbringing, and my influences as a child. I CAN identify them though, and I know them, and like G.I. Joe said, knowing is half the battle. :smthumbup: 

I am so blessed to have a wife that is as open, understanding, and willing to discuss anything and everything as she is, and that is truly my best friend. The fact that she is sexy as hell, a freak in the bed, and interested in the same things I am is just the icing on the cake.

Thanks again everyone here for your advice/opinions. Even though I really did know everything that was offered/brought up for the most part, It still gets you thinking about it again, and it's nice to hear others perspectives. I think this site is pretty cool, and a good tool, but we all have to remember that when it comes to a marriage, communication is key. I credit my relationships success to our honesty, and willingness to have "no holds barred" conversations, where anything goes, and no subjects are too taboo, or weird, and neither of us wears our feelings on our sleeves.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

the other part is everyone seemed to miss is when he said that sex interrupts his day and gets in the way of other things should be doing .

This guy is addicted. His drive is abnormal and he is on the right track that his problem isn't sex itself. He uses sex like any other addict : to self soothe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> the other part is everyone seemed to miss is when he said that sex interrupts his day and gets in the way of other things should be doing .
> 
> This guy is addicted. His drive is abnormal and he is on the right track that his problem isn't sex itself. He uses sex like any other addict : to self soothe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This is one of those pieces of advice that "this guy" chooses to ignore. It's insulting how you you chose to speak about me as if I am not in the room, making it a point to call me out, and belittle me by not even adressing your opinions with me directly, but choosing your words the way you did. 

I am NOT an addict. I do exhaggerate, I have temper issues, and all the other things I mentioned in the post above. I am far from perfect, I have some issues, and they are being addressed, to be a better human being, father, and husband. But the whole point that I made this thread was in regards to my sex drive, and I have learned through reading this thread, these forums, reading other forums/columns, some self examination, and discussions with my wife, friends, and myself, that my sex drive is perfectly normal for a male my age in my stage of life. I already kind of felt this way, and knew it was the right answer, but chose to research online "normal" average sex drive, sexual disorders, etc. and upon searching, one of the google links was this forum, so I decided to sign up and ask here, which in hindsight may have been a mistake.

I had questions, I asked opinions, I read them, I addressed my issues, and all is now well with the world. This thread can be closed, or deleted for all I care now. Did you even read the post from me directly above yours?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> thank you everyone for your help/advice/opinions. Some of it was very helpful, and some of it I appreciated the attempt, but since this is my life we're talking about, and I couldn't possibly sum it all up in a couple posts on a forum, I honestly disregarded as a nice attempt that completely missed the mark.
> 
> Here's an update-as far as the original question/point of this thread, I do not think there is anything abnormal about my sex drive, and I do not think I am an addict, or have a problem at all. I think I am perfectly normal in that sense. I think I DO have a problem/habit of exhaggerating, blowing things out of proportion, over analyzing, talking too much, and making mountains out of molehills. I do think my wife has a somewhat lower than average sex drive, nothing crazy or too far out of the ordinary, but after talking more, and together examining all the "evidence", the reasons have become obvious to both of us. Those reasons are time, life, schedules, attitude, and attraction. None of these reasons are "deal breakers", or major issues, and no feelings were hurt during the conversation, and nothing was said that both of us didn't already know or assume anyways, it is just several little things combined to make sex sometimes not as appealing as it could/should be. This is not a hypothesis, or assumption, this is fact, discussed and decided by the two of us. We have a plan in place, and have no doubt it will succeed.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:

Good for you! Wishing you success in your journey forward!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

?????? PLEASE CAN THIS THREAD BE MADE A STICKY?????? 

I think that 30's insight and the initial stages of resolution with his wife is really great. It easy to tell a person to be patient blah blah but to tell them how and why is difficult to convey.

Here is a real live example of one way of handling the situation which may be applicable to many other similar situations.

30, can you keep us updated? 

What do you think? Any moderators reading this ?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

30somethingmale said:


> And I don't mean a sex drive for just "having sex". I mean a "sex drive" for all things sexual, meaning sex with my wife, masturbation, pornography, thinking about sex, dreaming about it, lusting for it, reading about it, learning about it, etc. the issue of "sexuality", practically consumes me


 I can totally relate to this - Your words here described ME for a total of 8 months a few years ago, I found it tormenting at times, I thought I had a sex addiction, but at the same time when I got what I wanted, it was SHEER HEAVEN, it calmed my raging mind & hormones, I even started to joke about it with my husband telling him I am DYING for my next "Fix". 

I was wondering how on earth young men can even see straight or get any school work done when they "feel" like this and for the 1st time in my life, I understood how men or women could fall into cheating if they didn't get ENOUGH sex at home. Yikes! This was just "not me"!! 

I kept a "sex calender" to see how long this would last-could last. I noticed right when I started taking cholesterol pills It seemed to subside, coincidence or not, I will never know. 

I do FEEL for you if this is ONGOING for years & years ! OOHHHH MMMYYY God help you, I feel your pain. 



> my sex life directly influences my attitude towards EVERYTHING, and It's like I'm still a teenager, and constantly horny. My wife can come out of the shower, in a towel, after being married to her for this long, and with her for more than half my life, and I can simply get a glance of her from across the room in that towel, and I get hard as a rock, and want to make love to her that instant.


 I felt this way too, every morning he would get up for work, I pulled back the covers & lustily watched my husband get dressed, making comments how he was turning me on, thinking "damn can't wait till tonight" if we didn't get it in that morning. 

I never needed a drop of forplay for 8 months straight (similar to your raging erections) And I had this obsessive need to touch him (thankfully he was eating that up & loved it) It was the craziest ride I was ever on. I could hardly sleep-LOADS OF ENERGY abounding, I used to lay there watching the clock -just waiting for the am to attack my husband. (not really attack but arouse).

I hardly masterbated though, he told me he didn't want me to, he wanted me to use him, he was a real trooper about this. 
But what if he wasn't ?? What if he got sick of me, sick of this ? I thought about that ALOT, and worried what if this doesn't go away and he keeps slowing down- After all he was no young stud anymore. 



> I honestly don't understand how I, or anyone for that matter, can "re-direct sexual energy to anything that isn't of a sexual nature. I don't comprehend how that is possible. I don't mean that to be rude, but it's the truth, it makes zero sense to me. can you explain how it is possible for someone to take these feelings- physically craving orgasm, and at the same time emotionally craving closeness with the person they've spent more than half their life with, and at the same time be so attracted to them in every way, every day, that you get crazy feelings like you just want to eat them up, and be with them constantly if you could, and just spend the days laying together on a beach, making love and holding each other continually, and take all of THOSE feelings, feelings of love, sexuality, closeness, etc., and "re-direct them" to something as mundane, ritualistic, boring, and terrible as a job/work? i can't even see the connection there


 I can also relate TERRIBLY to this !! I would tell anyone ... during that time, I was mentally consumed with sexual thoughts, it was like my brain was taken over, I also had physical symptoms- all high test. I guess this can happen to women too! I bought about 30 sex books, started renting porn, got some sex games. I had a ball shopping online for new things.



> My upbringing pehaps, I was a preachers son, and have zero emotional memories of my family, as in I was never kissed, hugged, told "I love you" by my parents, and maybe I'm attempting to fill a void from my youth by being consumed with love, sex, and emotion.


 I wonder with you -how much of a role here, if any. Do you have any more thoughts on this? I came from a sexually repressive background, and I think when I hit mid life, I realized how much we missed and this threw me into a sexual mid life crisis - I believe that is what happend to me. And it lasted for 8 months, it knocked every inhibition I ever had out of me. I am forever changed. 



> i think that the "expectations" of wanting my wife to enjoy having sex, and get the same pleasure from it as I do, solidifies what I am trying to defend. It would seem if it was all about just getting off, or physical, etc., that I wouldn't care about how she felt, or if she enjoyed it, etc. I desire all the things that sexuality with the love of your life encompass, which part of are wanting someone, being wanted, sharing with someone, making them feel good, feeling good from them, etc


 I can relate to feeling this way too, I was HIGHLY SENSITIVE to his wanting me, desiring me. Nothing on this earth meant more to me during that time. I would get very emotional about this if I felt he was not into me, even a hint would through me over the edge. I can tell you I manufactured things in my mind-that were never true. 



> I feel like we shouldn't need to talk about this sort of thing, it should just kind of "happen". for me to say "Honey, I really need intimacy at least 5 out of 7 nights a week." makes me feel like I'm asking for something, and that she would be doing me a favor, and/or helping me out by doing this "favor" for me. To me, yeah, I would still get the physical satisfaction of orgasm, but I would lose all of the emotional, sensual, sexy stuff that comes from someone wanting sex because they love and care about you.


 THIS would make you feel like a 'BURDEN" and suck the life out of the experience, taking the beauty with it . I totally understand you again. I felt these feelings too, I would tell him I felt like a BURDEN, so NEEDY, I will never forget his answer to me.... "Sex, a burden, are you crazy". (loved that response) -- But I caused him some Performance Pressure during that time & we had to muddle through that.  

Crazy hearing this from the perspective of a female and how it may work if her drive is on OVERDRIVE - just wanted to let you know I can relate. 

I also would start fights with my husband too, I called them "meltdowns"....I was plagued feeling.... I was just getting started & he was slowing down (the difference in Libido's), I wanted him to be more aggressive (this is probably similar to you wanting more initiation from you wife), and I questioned his desire (he is not the most verbal man) -similar to you wanting to FEEL HERS or the act is Hollow somehow. 

I so understand that yearning need to be so emotionally, lustily & sexually wanted, taken, all of it. 

Me & my husband worked through this amazingly well (we are also best friends & our communication is more open than most could imagine- see my vulnerabilty thread), now our drives are near similar, this does HELP EASE the raging mind. 

What keeps us having so much sex -since all of this ....is more the "*emotional connection*"- over the LUSTY need that I was feeling then. This is where you need to *arouse your wife, in the Emotional sense *- to crave the emotional with you through sensual love making. 

I think you are normal -just addicted to your wife - that is how I described myself during that time. (my husband was happy to finally be put on a pedestal- his turn).

For her to understand YOU & how this feels somehow - do all she can , out of love, of coarse to please you ---while you work on not going off on her, as you know this is only working against you -this needs to be your biggest motivator ! .

Use this forum, write your heart out if you have too, there will always be a few UNunderstanding posters (try not to be too offended), listen to others stories here, so many WORSE 
situations. You are not alone or even unique in many of these things, much support here, many ideas , suggestions. 

Use a Punching bag if you have to , (I know, it is easy to say) as I am LIKE YOU, when I am mad, I literally need to let off some steam, and it usually starts with my mouth. WRITING is another outlet for me that helps me overcome the more negative traits I have. 

I will admit, Alot of sex keeps me happy all the time.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Simplyamorous-

thank you greatly for taking the time to fully read this thread, and be open to understanding my point of view, and responding.

Truth be told, I was having one of my "meltdown's" as you put it, which by the way is a great explanation, when I first started this thread. When I get that way, I don't explain myself very well, have trouble conveying my thoughts properly, exhaggerate, and basically resort to "mouth diharea" mode. 

I hope that you, as well as others that read the entire thread were able to pick up on the facts that I'm not a crazy sex addict, I don't feel like a freak, and I have a gorgeous marriage, and an amazing wife that is understanding, and I didn't run to a forum to bad talk my wife, I came here for an outside opinion, and in fact my wife was/is aware that I posted here, and I told her how it helped me calm down, and how that I enjoyed sharing my perspective/ideas on other threads that I've posted on, that I thought my advice/experience could be helpful.

As far as an update Catherine602, I know it's only been a few days, but everything has been just as great as it always has been, but even better. My wife and I have started a new diet together, (although she doesn't need a diet, she's just being a stereotypical "girl"  ) in hopes to get more fit, and slim down a bit, and not continue living like we're stereotypical fat american married people that fall into the trap of being comfortable with one another, while secretly wishing our spouse was more attractive to us. Instead we want to strive to become more attractive to one another, as she was able to admit that me gaining some weight over the marriage, althought no huge deal, was making her less attracted to me, which she and I felt could have been responsible for part of her slightly lower than average sex drive towards me. It didn't hurt my feelings, it made perfect sense, and I knew it was the case. We have started an excersise routine, and we also talked about the obvious, that although no sex makes 30somethingmale an angry boy, that 30somethingmale being an angry boy makes his wife not want to have sex with him.  So I have made an effort towards keeping my ego, and my attitude in check, and a few other minor things we discussed has directly influenced that we've had sex every day for about the last week or so, including multiple times on a few of those days. I haven't "had to masturbate" to curb any cravings or what not the whole time, and other than mutual masturbation between the two of us, haven't really hardly thought about it. 

Like I said, I know it's been a short time, but we've been here before. We've been together a long time, and like any marriage we've had our fights, ins and outs to some extent, although we've never seperated, never been apart like that, or anything in the 13 years of marriage, or the couple years of dating beforehand. This time however, I think we were able to get to some issues that we hadn't uncovered before, such as a potential dwindeling of physical attraction towards one another, which I think wasn't really eye opening to either of us, but to hear one another say it, and to be able to discuss it without yelling, or being stupid, was helpful. And much like when you discuss a fantasy with your spouse, it can turn you on, and make you hot, in the same kind of way, I feel like us talking about our issues, and actually making a plan together to resolve them, and both of us quitting smoking together, and going shopping together for healthier food, and discussing an excersise plan, etc. made us hotter for each other, and directly influenced the increased sex recently.


short version for those who may not like my rambling walls of text- :smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

30somethingmale said:


> Instead we want to strive to become more attractive to one another, *as she was able to admit that me gaining some weight over the marriage, althought no huge deal, was making her less attracted to me, which she and I felt could have been responsible for part of her slightly lower than average sex drive towards me*. It didn't hurt my feelings, it made perfect sense, and I knew it was the case. We have started an excersise routine


 I think it is very very healthy (also on the rarer side) to NOT allow ourselves to be become "offended" when our spouse speaks these kinds of truths to us. So many ask but can't handle the answers, they blame. I love your ATTITUDE here with your wife when she was honest with you. 

I'll he honest, my husband is too much of a nice guy (he is getting better), He is NOT the most erotic charmer on the block, but that THIN physique of his is one reason I was still WILD about him & kept me lusting after him. Physical Attraction should never be under estimated. Me & him has talked about this a # of times -and we BOTH feel the same .... 

Many would call us Hollow but that is fine, we are not marreid to them! ...... I've told him I am not at all attracted to men with bellies on them, even too many muscles turn me off , I like my man "thin". If he gains, it WILL affect my desire FOR HIM, it would seriously turn me off ...

And he has told me .....If I gained too much, although he would still love me, our sex life would suffer, he WOULD LOOSE DESIRE for me, point blank, the hard facts. 

Since we both _*know *_we feel this way, we'll be darned if we let eating out too much or getting carried away with the junk food - we don't want anything messing with that sweet craving for each other. Our sex life is too important. What better motivator is there ~~ Really, if it is one we *CAN *control. I realize aging & what comes with that -can not. It is different somehow. 




> I feel like us talking about our issues, and actually making a plan together to resolve them, and both of us quitting smoking together, and going shopping together for healthier food, and discussing an excersise plan, etc. made us hotter for each other, and directly influenced the increased sex recently.


Good for you & her!  Between your openness with each other on these very sensitive issues, and willingness to please the other - I can't see anything stopping the 2 of you from getting back to where you was for that time- where you & she was at it every day. ANd as a side note... generally as women age, thier sex drive goes *UP *a little or ALOT depending! 

Here is a little explanation I found on the net about this >>>


> Balance the seesaw....
> 
> When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

30 this thread makes me so happy. I dont want to rain on your parade but you know things may slow down when the newness wears off. That's human nature; since you know it is comming, would you feel comfortable talking about it now so you can plan. 

There are plenty of books with good suggestions about how to keep things fresh. SA has an encyclopedic memory for books and, I bet she can list off 10 of them.

On thing that my husband and I do is to take up new learning experiences or hobbies together. Struggling to learn something new together reveals sides of people that you may not alway see and the common struggle and goal brings us closer together. 

We started scuba diving last summer and it really took off for both of us. My husband is better at staying calm than I am so I get to hang on to my hero.  

Anyway, now is probably the right time to work on strategies to keep things going so that you will not fall silent or get angry when the inevitable happens. 

You got to keep working on it sex is more like a wind-up clock rather than a battery operated one. It winds down and you've got to crank it up again. It s good to know that. 

You sound so much more relaxed and playful. Making light of your struggles takes the sting out of it. 

Just a few suggestions, take it or leave it - one thing that works for me is when my husband out of the blue looks at me deeply and tells me something that he likes sexually that is unique to me. 

I eat that up. Women need to be reassured that you enjoy them sexually and not just like having sex. We like to know that we are not interchangeable. 

My husband is HD, not as much as you and i am LD - it would be difficult for me to keep up with him if he did not make me feel special. it's not a constant barrage just at radom moments. Makes me feel special and I like feeling special to him so I am glad to show him again.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your wife is amazing because she understands and made changes to meet your needs. It is hard for women who don't have a strong sex drive to know what it feels like. And many women, including me at one point, don't understand what the lack of adequate sex with the woman he loves does to a man emotionally.

Surprisingly, some don't want to know or don't believe and make no changes to accommodate their HD partner. So she loves and cares about you as you do her.


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