# At my wits end



## Mrs.Carey

Hey guys I’m new here. I have been married for six years I’ve been with my husband for 11 and we have three children. I am what I like to call a super mom with ADHD (LOL) I rarely get tired and I do all the household work, all the work with our children and some, while my husband does literally absolutely nothing! Don’t get me wrong I love my husband more than anything but I am at my wits end! I have tried talking to him about helping me more we have fought about him helping me more I have left for a night or two because he won’t help me more I’ve done it all! I am exhausted I don’t know what else to do! I have brought up marriage counseling I thousand times yet I could never get him to go! I know he loves me so that’s not a question but I’m lost! 
Any advice will be greatly appreciated


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## minimalME

Mrs.Carey said:


> Hey guys I’m new here. I have been married for six years I’ve been with my husband for 11 and we have three children. I am what I like to call a super mom with ADHD (LOL) I rarely get tired and I do all the household work, all the work with our children and some, while my husband does literally absolutely nothing! Don’t get me wrong I love my husband more than anything but I am at my wits end! I have tried talking to him about helping me more we have fought about him helping me more I have left for a night or two because he won’t help me more I’ve done it all! I am exhausted I don’t know what else to do! I have brought up marriage counseling I thousand times yet I could never get him to go! I know he loves me so that’s not a question but I’m lost!
> Any advice will be greatly appreciated


Welcome!

What would be helpful for you?

A maid? Picking up prepared food from the store? Sending out the laundry? Someone to run errands? Getting a babysitter?

You might have a household concierge service in your area - they'd do just about anything for you.


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## Andy1001

Mrs.Carey said:


> Hey guys I’m new here. I have been married for six years I’ve been with my husband for 11 and we have three children. I am what I like to call a super mom with ADHD (LOL) I rarely get tired and I do all the household work, all the work with our children and some, while my husband does literally absolutely nothing! Don’t get me wrong I love my husband more than anything but I am at my wits end! I have tried talking to him about helping me more we have fought about him helping me more I have left for a night or two because he won’t help me more I’ve done it all! I am exhausted I don’t know what else to do! I have brought up marriage counseling I thousand times yet I could never get him to go! I know he loves me so that’s not a question but I’m lost!
> Any advice will be greatly appreciated


Do what you have to for you and the children.Dont cook or do any laundry for your husband,when he complains tell him the maid has retired.
He will soon get the message.


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## chillymorn69

How about just backing off some of the many things you do.

And if or when he notices just say well I can't do everything how about a hand with some of this stuff.


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## minimalME

chillymorn69 said:


> How about just backing off some of the many things you do.
> 
> And if or when he notices just say well I can't do everything how about a hand with some of this stuff.


She's already asked him for help. Bringing it up over and over becomes nagging, and we all know how much men love that. :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn69

minimalME said:


> She's already asked him for help. Bringing it up over and over becomes nagging, and we all know how much men love that. :smthumbup:


Maybe all the stuff she does don't matter as much to him! Maybe he feels it overkill! Maybe his standards are different than hers. 

Y point being if thats the case then shes doing it fo her because its not important for him to have everything perfect.

Kind of like a man working many hrs to bring home more money for his family even though the wife might be happier with less money and more of his time to spend with the family.

I find that in some cases the one doing all the extra house work want it done on their timeline to their sepicifications .

And the one not pitching in might be thinking I give up everything or time I help I get backhanded comements like I do it this way or this needs done now etc etc.

Some people don't care how neat and clean things are so they will be less inclined to pich in on something they don't care about.

Add a mismatch sex drive and then its even worse.

I can remember washing cloths trying to help and insread of thanks I got a you didn't hang them up properly I remember.

Mybe rebalancing things and priorities is in order on both sides.


My mother used to say on my death bed I won't be saying I wished I kept my house a little cleaner. But you might say I wish I was more understanding! And had my priorities straight.


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## stro

When you say you need him to “help out” are you asking for him to do specific things? Or are you simply speaking generally? My wife and I have had these types of conversations and it was always helpful when she would say, “Can you please do “XYZ”. It kind of irritated her that I wasn’t just doing these things without her speaking up but the household issues were kind of her domain. I worked, she took care of he kids and the house. So I kinda needed her to be specific because this kinda was her area of expertise. I didn’t mind doing whatever she asked I just needed her to let me know what needed to be done. Once we got that conmunication issue squared away things got better. However if he you H is jus throng lazy and excpecting you to just take care of everything then he is not respecting and appreciating you as he should. It may be important to really explain to him how important this is to you and what it means for you to be “at your wits end”. Then layout the consequences of “wits end”. Maybe he will see the how important it is to you and take more ownership in household responsibilities. It’s not about him “helping you out”. It’s about the two of you getting through life together.


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## minimalME

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe all the stuff she does don't matter as much to him! Maybe he feels it overkill! Maybe his standards are different than hers.


Very true!

That's why I suggested help that'd be helpful to _her_ - leaving him out of the equation.

The point isn't to go on strike so that he feels manipulated into doing stuff he's already said no to. The goal is more to relieve her of some stresses.


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## WilliamM

Will the OP return?

I was thinking it might be nice to verify some of the assumptions.

Does your husband have a job outside the home?

Do you have a job outside the home?

As MinimalME mentioned, you need to find ways to lessen your work load.

I had a boss once who, in the course of some conversation, mentioned my wife was always on vacation because she did not have a job outside the home. When I told Mary about that she practically fell on the floor laughing. Ever since then she keeps asking when does her vacation start.

You could buy paper plates and plastic utensils and have picnics with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the front room. I used to encourage things like that.


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## chillymorn69

minimalME said:


> Very true!
> 
> That's why I suggested help that'd be helpful to _her_ - leaving him out of the equation.
> 
> The point isn't to go on strike so that he feels manipulated into doing stuff he's already said no to. The goal is more to relieve her of some stresses.


No where did I use strike!

I said to back off some of the things you do.

Does that equal a strike to you?

The reason I sugested that because she might find he don't really care if she does them or not. If he does ask that would be the time to say I overwhelmed could you help me out.


Your misenterpitation of what I wrote is typical of a cumication break down because you assumed you knew what I ment with disregarding what I actually wrote.


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## minimalME

chillymorn69 said:


> No where did I use strike!
> 
> I said to back off some of the things you do.
> 
> Does that equal a strike to you?
> 
> The reason I sugested that because she might find he don't really care if she does them or not. If he does ask that would be the time to say I overwhelmed could you help me out.
> 
> 
> Your misenterpitation of what I wrote is typical of a cumication break down because you assumed you knew what I ment with disregarding what I actually wrote.


What would TAM be without constant pissing contests?


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## chillymorn69

minimalME said:


> What would TAM be without constant pissing contests?


Are we sitting or standing for this contest:grin2:


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## Rhubarb

Do you both work, or are you a stay at home mom? Does he do anything at home at all? For instance does me mow the lawn? Is he handy at all, does he repair stuff? What exactly would you like him to do?


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## Blondilocks

Since you rarely get tired how can you be exhausted?


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