# How many is too many??



## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

Not looking to get too in depth of an answer here. How many guys do you think is natural for a 31 year old girl to have had sex with? Let's say she's been sexually active since 16 and never been married. Like what's a lot and what's a little?


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Well...

It goes up a lot with each year of non-marriage, right? You have to remember that what seemed like a lot when you were in high school or college is really not that much after accumulating 10 more years worth of experience, right?

I'd say that 'a little' is between 1 and 5, and 'a lot' being more than 30. Anywhere in between that seems like it normal to me by that age.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I was 31, I had 8 partners from age 21 to 31.

Hubs was lucky number 9


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I assume you asking about a specific little thing your thinking about courting?

I tell you its more important to understand why, then to know the exact amount.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And BTW, a 31 year old is not a GIRL. She's a woman. 

And who cares how many she's had. It's immaterial since it was before you.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

As many as she thought was OK.

I know before I was married (or exclusive) my philosophy was "as many as possible"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jjackson said:


> Not looking to get too in depth of an answer here. How many guys do you think is natural for a 31 year old girl to have had sex with? Let's say she's been sexually active since 16 and never been married. Like what's a lot and what's a little?


I feel the quality of her relationships should be more of an issue than the # she slept with. Was she in any long term committed relationships , was she faithful while in them?


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel the quality of her relationships should be more of an issue than the # she slept with. Was she in any long term committed relationships , was she faithful while in them?


She's been in 3. 3 years a piece and faithful.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

What's your agenda?


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> What's your agenda?


What do you mean?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You are asking a very unspecific question. You phrase it as not wanting to get "too in depth".

You want to know "What is natural?"

What do you think is natural? Or too many? Why?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It doesn't really matter. Goals change over time, and there are way too many circumstances that are different from person to person.


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> You are asking a very unspecific question. You phrase it as not wanting to get "too in depth".
> 
> You want to know "What is natural?"
> 
> What do you think is natural? Or too many? Why?


I don't know what's natural. I know girls that have been with 30 dudes and girls that have been with 3. So is normal in the middle?? I mean I'd say over 20 is probably a little extreme but not sure. just trying to get anyone's input here.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

jjackson said:


> I don't know what's natural. I know girls that have been with 30 dudes and girls that have been with 3. So is normal in the middle?? I mean I'd say over 20 is probably a little extreme but not sure. just trying to get anyone's input here.


So you met a girl and you want to know how many dudes she's had. You are better off not knowing many details. It'll just drive you nuts. She may not even tell you the truth. 

She was with 3 people 3 years each. Not promiscuous by any means.

I think I read in wife's womens health mag that the avg woman has 4-5 partners in her life.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Ooohhh...I think I have the winning answer! 13 men and 3 women! What do I win?! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WOOT! I'm above average! :toast: :smnotworthy: :yawn2: :woohoo: I'm a big hoe! :lol:

But seriously, who cares.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Every skill in the world requires one common denominator.

Practice, practice, practice.

Maybe instead of looking at" how many" you should look at "how good'


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I Know said:


> I think I read in wife's womens health mag that the avg woman has 4-5 partners in her life.


That seems really low. Most of my female friends my age have had more than 4 or 5. 

But we're counting women too? :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjackson said:


> She's been in 3. 3 years a piece and faithful.


Does this bother you? If so why?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

That's why it's not good to ask the number. I think women under report and men tend to over report even including possible, theoretical drunken encounters that might possibly have lead to sex even though it didn't. People also have different ideas of what is sex. Some won't report oral stuff at all because that's not real sex to them.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> People also have different ideas of what is sex. Some won't report oral stuff at all because that's not real sex to them.


"I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

:rofl:


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Does this bother you? If so why?


I was just curious. I don't think I'm upset by this new development but my girl told me that she's been with 17 dudes including myself. She's attractive, outgoing, girls get approached all the time etc. So I can't say I'm shocked I suppose. Have no idea how many were one nighters (if any, not really her style) but I do know probably 12 or so were relationships that lasted more than say 3 months. If I had to sit down and count I'd imagine I'd be around that number. So I was just wondering what people consider normal.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Ok, so are you asking if people think that you are datinf a sl ut??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Ok, so are you asking if people think that you are datinf a sl ut??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, not at all. I don't think she's a $lut. Just wondering if that's outside the norm.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Speaking as a woman, i say NO, it is not outside the norm. But how does one define normal? And what do you believe to be normal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Speaking as a woman, i say NO, it is not outside the norm. But how does one define normal? And what do you believe to be normal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean that's what I figured. I don't know what normal is. If I had to take a guess I'd assume that on average without females lying about it by age 26 or so given all the circumstances; never married, had a few boyfriends that would take out 3-5 years, college, drinking, social life, good looking, approachable, been sexually active since 16. It would behoove me to believe that 12-14 is probably pretty standard by the time a girl that fits that criteria turns 26. But who knows? I'm just gauging that one what I've seen, my friends who are girls etc.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Ok, i still want to know WHY is it SO important to you whether the number of men she has slept with is NORMAL. It is obviously something that is weighing on you very heavily and there has to be a reason for it.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why does it bother you?


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Thatgirl, were you talking to me or the OP??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jjackson said:


> I was just curious. I don't think I'm upset by this new development but my girl told me that she's been with 17 dudes including myself. She's attractive, outgoing, girls get approached all the time etc. So I can't say I'm shocked I suppose. Have no idea how many were one nighters (if any, not really her style) but I do know probably 12 or so were relationships that lasted more than say 3 months. If I had to sit down and count I'd imagine I'd be around that number. So I was just wondering what people consider normal.


Well, It sounds like you are even then, so what is there to worry about (it can only help if you have a similar past, I believe that), you said she was faithful when she was in these relationships, that is what matters to you, right?

My son is 21, still a virgin, he believes in waiting till marriage, now someone like him would have a problem with these things cause he is looking for a woman with similar beliefs as himself. He looks at sex as completely a "sacred" act. 

There are many men posters who come here and are upset about thier wives past in these things-most especially if she was more promiscuious than he..... some learn after they are married the real number, some are insecure, some feel lied too. And I have noticed many who have the sex slack off in these marrages, they start dwelling on her past & suddenly feel "cheated" somehow that she did all of that with those old BF's ....but isn't doing it with him, her own husband ---and it causes alot of resentment in some men.

But you 2 are even..... so it's all good, you won't have any of those issues anyway.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Thatgirl, were you talking to me or the OP??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Ok, im easily confused this morning it seems........


Need more coffee
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jackson, 

The very fact that you are asking this question means that it boths you. You are trying to find a way to measure whether or not she has been with too many men.

Two things are telling:
1) You asked how many are too many. You think that she's been with too many men. Yet you have been with about the same number of women.
2) You are asking how many is average/normal for women. You are not asking how many are average/normal for men. So you are holding her to a different standard than you hold even yourself.

I doubt this relationship will work in the long run as you are judging her. I doubt that you will be able to let this go.

What matters is not how many she was with in the past, but if she is faithful to you during you relationship.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Elegirl..... Totally agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why does it bother you?


Search by my name and read my other thread. This is what bothers me. 

As crazy as this sounds I feel like I've been one upped. She's always had something constant. Something that I haven't. I mean were about even on the number front but I feel like her realtionships were more steady and she can pick one up and put one down without losing a beat. I'll be with a girl we'll break up then I'll just chill until that opportunity comes around again. It seems to me like she's just on to the next one.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

jjackson said:


> Search by my name and read my other thread. This is what bothers me.
> 
> As crazy as this sounds I feel like I've been one upped. She's always had something constant. Something that I haven't. I mean were about even on the number front but I feel like her realtionships were more steady and she can pick one up and put one down without losing a beat. I'll be with a girl we'll break up then I'll just chill until that opportunity comes around again.


So in other words, these men shes been with, come and go like a revolving door?


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> So in other words, these men shes been with, come and go like a revolving door?


No, no, no. Not saying that. It's just easy for her to find another one. Be it 3 weeks later or 3 months later.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Ok, so are you jealous of her or afraid that you are just another notch on her belt..... Is that the real issue??? That you are feeling insecure and that you worry you are another notch on her belt?? We will keep peeling back the layers here till we get to the real issue, amd i dont believe that is about a number.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

jjackson said:


> No, no, no. Not saying that. It's just easy for her to find another one. Be it 3 weeks later or 3 months later.


Gotcha! :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not going to look up your other posts. lol. 

And...a past is a past. Who cares. If it's not working for you, then leave her. Her past will NEVER NEVER EVER EVER change.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel the quality of her relationships should be more of an issue than the # she slept with. Was she in any long term committed relationships , was she faithful while in them?


This. :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

In my value system it would be more about the quality of relationships. YMMV. It is subjective and says more about you then it does her.

I would suggest that when in doubt you look for someone compatible to yourself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is his other thread... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...friend-has-always-had-boyfriend-bad-sign.html


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I read your other thread too, and IMO it might be best to move on. It seems you are going to continue to have a problem with her past relationships. There is nothing you can do about that.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Yeah, time to move on. This is a disaster waiting to happen........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Twofaces said:


> Ok, so are you jealous of her or afraid that you are just another notch on her belt..... Is that the real issue??? That you are feeling insecure and that you worry you are another notch on her belt?? We will keep peeling back the layers here till we get to the real issue, amd i dont believe that is about a number.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I , for one, DO NOT always feel this is about insecurity in the man at all. Every good man has EVERY right in this world to guard his futrue and make sure his fiance is capable of a lasting emotional connection to ensure a healthy marriage. 

One's past , depending, if you read this other thread of his.... , many times IS a preview into one's future... Not sure why sexual history is always tossed to the wind while we would immediately RUN when it comes to others things in someone's past....like how responsible someone is with credit, for instance, this generally follows us, or if we have passive aggressive tendencies in communication, this follows us too. 

She sounds like a needy woman, she sounds like she has chosen to date & sleep with losers in her past, you are concerned about this, and beings she doesn't have a problem with the lifestyle of her own mother, I can understand your being divided here.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Simply, 

I was simply asking if he was feeling insecure....... After reading the other thread, i see what is going on. He is in fact Insecure in the relationship, though not necessarily with himself. I think its time for him to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Not isecurity.

No man wants to marry a wh0re. Perceived or otherwise.

ONly he can decide if he values his relationship enough to move forward. 

However, it will never be about some arbitrary number.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

JJ,

I was close with my guess of 16 (although I said 13 men and 3 women). 17 men but any women also?

Also, if there are 17 that she had sex with, I am guessing there are at least as many more that she had oral sex with. My DW conveniently only told me about the guys she had slept with (about 8 by the time I met her at 29) but neglected to mention the others that she had given oral attention. In her mind, that was "making out" where in my mind, making out means kissing and groping but not putting my mouth on someone's junk.

Anyways, these days, 17 sounds quite within the normal range for someone her age. More alarming would be if she had only been with one or two different guys.


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## jjackson (Nov 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I , for one, DO NOT always feel this is about insecurity in the man at all. Every good man has EVERY right in this world to guard his futrue and make sure his fiance is capable of a lasting emotional connection to ensure a healthy marriage.
> 
> One's past , depending, if you read this other thread of his.... , many times IS a preview into one's future... Not sure why sexual history is always tossed to the wind while we would immediately RUN when it comes to others things in someone's past....like how responsible someone is with credit, for instance, this generally follows us, or if we have passive aggressive tendencies in communication, this follows us too.
> 
> She sounds like a needy woman, she sounds like she has chosen to date & sleep with losers in her past, you are concerned about this, and beings she doesn't have a problem with the lifestyle of her own mother, I can understand your being divided here.





Twofaces said:


> Simply,
> 
> I was simply asking if he was feeling insecure....... After reading the other thread, i see what is going on. He is in fact Insecure in the relationship, though not necessarily with himself. I think its time for him to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know I'm insecure. I'm content being with her but insecure because I'm not sure where I fall compared to everyone else. I don't think 17 is alot. I think it's standard. I think 30+ is alot. I mean she told me her number and I was like okay and... I'm around that figure but I feel like her's was constant mine was sporadic (whatever happened, happened; go on a hot streak, hit a cold streak) and I wasn't quite searching like she was. I think that's what bugs me. Seems she was always looking for someone to give her the time of day. So, in the beginning was I just another dude?? Am I the sucker who's been with her for a year and going to marry the girl that will date anyone?? She's a great girl with all the qualities I desire in a girlfriend or a wife. I love her very much but what separates us is her need for a realtionship. I'm very content being alone but she needs to be with someone whether good or bad. I feel strongly that her mother set her up for this. Without directly saying that it's okay to bounce around from realtionship to relationship she said it by her actions. All growing up, as I've learned, her mom put a man in front of her daughter. Case in point: She told me the other day that her and her mom went to Thailand to visit her boyfriend while he was on a work trip. Apparently her mom tried getting "fresh" with the guy in front of my girl. The guy, respecting his girlfriends daughter, declined these advances until my girlfriend was not around. On the plane ride home her mother turns to her and says "You ruined my trip." I think her need for stability or attention derives from the way she was treated as a youngster. You're right, it's not about a number. It's about trust and faith and love and being content with a girl I want to make my wife and mother of my children. I want to love her for who she is NOW. Not what may be perceived from her PAST.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

jjackson said:


> I know I'm insecure. I'm content being with her but insecure because I'm not sure where I fall compared to everyone else. I don't think 17 is alot. I think it's standard. I think 30+ is alot. I mean she told me her number and I was like okay and... I'm around that figure but I feel like her's was constant mine was sporadic (whatever happened, happened; go on a hot streak, hit a cold streak) and I wasn't quite searching like she was. I think that's what bugs me. Seems she was always looking for someone to give her the time of day. So, in the beginning was I just another dude?? Am I the sucker who's been with her for a year and going to marry the girl that will date anyone?? She's a great girl with all the qualities I desire in a girlfriend or a wife. I love her very much but what separates us is her need for a realtionship. I'm very content being alone but she needs to be with someone whether good or bad. I feel strongly that her mother set her up for this. Without directly saying that it's okay to bounce around from realtionship to relationship she said it by her actions. All growing up, as I've learned, her mom put a man in front of her daughter. Case in point: She told me the other day that her and her mom went to Thailand to visit her boyfriend while he was on a work trip. Apparently her mom tried getting "fresh" with the guy in front of my girl. The guy, respecting his girlfriends daughter, declined these advances until my girlfriend was not around. On the plane ride home her mother turns to her and says "You ruined my trip." I think her need for stability or attention derives from the way she was treated as a youngster. You're right, it's not about a number. It's about trust and faith and love and being content with a girl I want to make my wife and mother of my children. I want to love her for who she is NOW. Not what may be perceived from her PAST.


While she can't change the past, she can learn and grow from it. The questions you need to answer are does she need to and has she done that? Your points above are good to consider. Was she looking for the right guy for a relationship, or just a relationship with any guy? What makes you different? Does/did she have issues with needing attention for validation? If her mother has it, does she recognize it and deal with it accordingly?

It is not the number, but how the person has grown from it that matters.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

jjackson said:


> . So, in the beginning was I just another dude?? Am I the sucker who's been with her for a year and going to marry the girl that will date anyone?? She's a great girl with all the qualities I desire in a girlfriend or a wife. .


JJ don't worry about her always having a boyfriend. my sis in law is like that. Since she was 15 (now 47) she ALWAYS had a BF. Why? She's kind of insecure. Now? Been happily married for 19 years. My sis in law would never replace her Hub. Actually in the past men have dumped her. Your GF might have been dumped by others. In that case, she's not going to be happy about discussing it. Who would? 

Dude what if she is completely into you and you messing it up by questioning/dwelling on her past? You can't let fear drive you at this point. She's never been married right? never cheated on you? Your girl will find your insecurities endearing, up to a point. if you continue to doubt her, she will become annoyed. Then she will start to doubt whether you are good enuf for her. 

Relationships are always kind of a gamble.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Same as for a guy!


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

It's all in the head. Some people want to be physically intimate with only one throughout life, while others want >1 for various reasons. It's how you look at it, that makes you think a girl is **** or makes you ignore her one night stands.


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