# Wife is passed out drunk most nights.



## randomguy

This is my first post so here goes-

My Wife and I have been together over 10 years now, and have a couple of young daughters. Recently she has had a few deaths in her immediate family, and it has been real tough for her. 

She has always had a few glasses of wine with dinner, or even a few shots with me on the weekends, but as of late her drinking has been steadily progressing. On any given weekday, she will consume up to two bottles red wine. By 10 pm she is usually at her peak, and passes out watching tv shortly thereafter.

This has effected our relationship in many ways. When she is drunk she will spend hours talking on her phone to her friends, instead of maybe spending what little time we have free to sit and watch a movie with me or even just hang out and talk.

Also, because she is passed out drunk out on the couch usually, she never makes it to bed until she wakes up at some point in the night to relieve her bladder. Thus our sex life has hit the downward spiral. We only have sex if I demand it, and most times she is so drunk she cant perform, she just lays there. A couple times I realized she had actually passed out while we were in the act.( makes me feel like a REAL good lover)

My question is this: how can I get her to stop drinking to excess, when says that she loves her wine? Her family is full of alcoholics and I dont want to see her go there. We used to make love regularly even when she was drinking moderately, so I would not object to her having A glass of wine with dinner, maybe even 2. Just not 10..... Thanks


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## Ascending_Soul

Hi Random Guy, Is it at all possible to distract her? Before my husband was disabled, I could sometimes distract him from drinking with a project. Didn't stop him, but it did slow him down. Would she be open to grief counseling or a support group for people who are grieving? 
You are smart to see the source of the problem, maybe if you can help with that, the symptom (drinking) will clear up. I hope so, you sound like a good guy.


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## deejov

Try reading up on alcohol abuse and addiction, which one does she have? Is she abusing to deal with pain, or is she addicted to it and has withdrawls if she cannot drink?

I have a husband that is trying to stop drinking, it's a coping method (lousy one). There is no such thing as "just to excess". She needs to stop altogether.

Will she go to AA meetings? Read up on being an enabler. Want to help her quit drinking? Tell her it's not an acceptable way to cope with life. Back it up ...
Don't drink with her. Ever. 
Don't spend time with her when she is drinking. Leave. Seriously. Go somewhere else. come back when is sober. 
Don't have sex with her when she is drinking. 

And then fill up her drinking time with more productive things to do.


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## FirstYearDown

deejov said:


> Try reading up on alcohol abuse and addiction, which one does she have? Is she abusing to deal with pain, or is she addicted to it and has withdrawls if she cannot drink?
> 
> I have a husband that is trying to stop drinking, it's a coping method (lousy one). There is no such thing as "just to excess". She needs to stop altogether.
> 
> Will she go to AA meetings? Read up on being an enabler. Want to help her quit drinking? Tell her it's not an acceptable way to cope with life. Back it up ...
> Don't drink with her. Ever.
> Don't spend time with her when she is drinking. Leave. Seriously. Go somewhere else. come back when is sober.
> Don't have sex with her when she is drinking.
> 
> And then fill up her drinking time with more productive things to do.


:iagree::iagree:
AA may not work for her...some alcoholics do better with IC.
I think that her grief is leading her to self medicate.
Confront her about her drinking. Take her in your arms and tell your wife that it is okay for her to cry about her parents. This is the root of the issue.


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## randomguy

Thanks for the replies everyone. It really helps to read a different outside perspective on things



> Try reading up on alcohol abuse and addiction, which one does she have? Is she abusing to deal with pain, or is she addicted to it and has withdrawls if she cannot drink?


I believe its a little of both. She has always drank wine since we were in our early 20's. I would say 6/7 nights of the week, but I never noticed her getting "wasted"- After her mother died from a short battle with cancer, she began to drink until she was really messed up. So I think the alcoholism has been laying dormant, and just needed her ramping things up to really kick into high gear. So yes I think she is addicted, and yes she is abusing.... (a glass of wine at 10 am on a sunday)



> Confront her about her drinking. Take her in your arms and tell your wife that it is okay for her to cry about her parents. This is the root of the issue.


Yes, we have done a lot of that......the thing is I am not there every waking moment of the day. SO when I am not there, she starts drinking. I guess I will have to make an effort to stay around the house more. Work will have to take a back seat for a while.......


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## randomguy

Well I asked her last night before she started drinking if she could try to not drink the entire bottle. She said no problem sounds like a good idea. Well we were watching a movie around 10 pm, and I fell asleep. Before I fell asleep she was doing really good, and had only had about half the bottle. When I woke up the next day, the bottle was gone, so I looked in the recycle bin, and there it was, empty. So after I fell asleep, she went in and downed the rest, while no one was aware. I havent mentioned anything yet, but it makes me kinda angry that she drank the whole thing after we talked about it. Kinda makes me think that I should put the foot down and ask her to stop all together. I dont mind not drinking either. It would be worth it for her to stop


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## Mindful Coach

You can certainly ask her to stop drinking - she's comes from an alcoholic family and from what you've said, she's a full blown alcoholic - cutting down is NOT an option, only complete sobriety. BUT, you can't make her do anything. 

You can get yourself to Al-Anon and do it quickly. Your daughter's lives are being effected as well and the tools you'll learn to deal with your wife's alcoholism and keeping a healthy home life for your children is crucial.


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## deejov

Try not to take this personally. Hiding how much they drink is just a way of trying to keep you happy and still getting what they want... to get drunk. There is no halfway. Drinking to cope with life isn't acceptable behavior. I agree with going to an Al-anon meeting. They can really help you with understanding what she is doing and how to help her better.


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