# Coping with wife's EA



## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I recently found out after seeing my wifes cell phone records that she is having an EA with a truck driver who delivers products to her work place. we have been married 27 years and
no past problems. I have not been very supportive lately or communicating with her. The marriage counselers that I spoke to
said this situation is partially my fault. also she nolonger wears her wedding rings and sex is out of the picture. I confronted her about talking and texting this person several times a week from
her job and after work before she gets home. Her response was defensive and we are just friends. she also refused to stop the
relationship. She said if i could not deal with it to leave. I asked if she wanted a divorce and got no response. She thinks she has blocked me from her cell data but i can monitor it. I have noway to see her texts. She guards her phone 24/7. All i know about this guy is that he is single, has a girfriend and talks to alot of other women beside my wife. I called his cell to confront him and he did not answer. he returned my call got my voice mail and contacted my wife. then we had a big argument over him.
I need advice on this.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

She is having an EA and is deep in the fog. Time for the 180. I will warn you that it takes a long time for the fog to end, but it takes NC to begin.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Inappropiate work place behavior .... hint hint


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get rid of the MC for starters, if you must do MC find one that is familiar with the book, "Not Just Friends"

what kind of phone does she have?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She refuses to your stakes in the marriage.
Sit her down and explain to her.
Are you sure it was only EA?


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

yes it is inappropiate work behavior and she is not to be using her phone during work time. and he is not to be on his phone driving a commercial vehicle. where do i go from here?


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.


that horsesh!t and instinctually you already know this



you can be the best husband in the world and while she is engaged in her fantasy EA world, she will not come back to the marriage


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.


you CANNOT reason with a drug addict! And when a person is in an affair thats essentially what youre dealing with. NO amount of communication i.e NICING her out of this will make the affair stop. The ONLY way to get a foot hold is NC. If she wont do that file and mean it. Sometimes that will jerk a WS into reality. Sometimes you must be prepared to lose the marriage in order to have ANY hope of saving it.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.


Ask your MC to go and *** someone else. Its time for you to find a new MC/IC.

Its timme for you to man up and stand strong for yourself. Show her the door if she cant live within the boundaries of the marriage.

Are you sure its only an EA?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> you CANNOT reason with a drug addict! And when a person is in an affair thats essentially what youre dealing with. NO amount of communication i.e NICING her out of this will make the affair stop. The ONLY way to get a foot hold is NC. If she wont do that file and mean it. Sometimes that will jerk a WS into reality.


You need to read about the 'fog' and the 180 pronto!


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

GED rid of MC. Not your fault


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Despite what the idiot MC says, you cannot "nice" a wayward wife out of an affair. It is not your fault that she is doing this. ALL marriage have problems at one time or the other. Most problems (other than abuse, alcoholism or drug addiction) can be assigned 50/50 as far as blame goes. But bringing another person into the marriage is 100% the fault of the person doing it.

She has told you deal with it or leave. She has no respect for you and no respect for the marriage.

If you want to save your marriage you have to do the "180" as others have said. But you also have to set a time limit. If after your time limit is reached and nothing has changed, then you need to be ready to set her free (or free yourself from a dead marriage).



Good luck. Oh, and never ever reveal that you have access to her phone.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

what is the fog and 180?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

read the newbie link in my signature for term definitions and abbreviations


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

Thanks for the advice will read it now.

I am thinking of removing my wedding band? good or bad idea?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

#1 Save your dough on that MC. She's clueless.

#2 Stop talking about her activities with her. Period. Don't even be drawn into any kind of discussion on any topic at all with her unless she's on her knees washing the floor with her tears and grabbing your ankles. That may yet happen, but it won't be for a while.

#3 See an attorney as soon as possible to find out your options. Don't announce it and don't hide it. If she asks about where you're going or where you've been tell her you're seeing an attorney. If she asks why, tell her you need to know your legal options on moving on with your life. No elaboration and no discussion about what the lawyer says.

#4 Keep monitoring all her actions.

#5 Quit telling her anything about your actions, other than #3, above.

#6 Quit helping out around the house. Take care of your own laundry and meals.

#7 You don't move out under any circumstances. It's okay if she moves out, but if reconciliation is your goal, not aid her moving out in any way.

#8 Start separating the finances. Quit putting dough into the joint account, open up one in your name only. You take over all bill paying.

#9 Put a VAR in her car. Use industrial velcro to attach it to the bottom of her driver's seat springs.

#10 GPS the same car.

Need some more info: ya'lls ages, kids ages, how many kids still at home?

What makes you think they haven't had any physical interaction?

And most important, do you think you want her back? Depending on your answer the above and subsequent advice is subject to change.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> yes it is inappropiate work behavior and she is not to be using her phone during work time. and he is not to be on his phone driving a commercial vehicle. where do i go from here?


HR department of her their work. For him, depends on what country you are in. We have MTO (ministry of transportation of Ontario) who govern truckers that can be reported to or the police for talking on a cell while driving. It's a 350 dollar citation for being on a cell phone without an ear piece or hands free set. That includes texting.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

1 adult child age 21 in college, not at home. she is not gone a long enough time to meet with him. he lives 1 hour away from our home.
I am looking to resolve this somehow and avoid divorce.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Gmoyer, do not beg,cry,plead with her because it WONT WORK.like others are telling you there is no way in hell you are going nice her outta this, she already told if you dont like it leave.

Listen to what the others are telling you, you got to stand your ground, be strong even if you feel you cant, you can. following the advice here, will save you time and heartache, you have to get OM out of the picture first before you can work on your marriage.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

ok i need to find a way to get the om out of the picture


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Gmoyer, do not beg,cry,plead with her because it WONT WORK.like others are telling you there is no way in hell you are going nice her outta this, she already told if you dont like it leave.
> 
> Listen to what the others are telling you, you got to stand your ground, be strong even if you feel you cant, you can. following the advice here, will save you time and heartache, you have to get OM out of the picture first before you can work on your marriage.


Thats right. Even if you think you cant, YOu can! Stand your ground while in her presence- even if you have to do what I did when she walks away- throw up in the bathroom and go fetal. NEVER let them see you sweat- and I mean that very very seriously. If they see you as weak or begging in ANY way thats unattractive and drives them straight to AP.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the *MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around*.


what a great stick to beat you with.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I will contact both Hr dept. Thanks


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> I will contact both Hr dept. Thanks


Be prepared for her to go ape ****, and she will, do not let her get to you, stand your ground, firm not a ****, just tell her "I'm fighting for my marriage"


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

If you have to blow off some steam go for a run,work out until you puke,& make sure you eat and take care of YOU 1st and foremost.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

What cell phone does she have? an iphone?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the guys gf if you can via FB for instance and contact her


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Find the guys gf if you can via FB for instance and contact her


Make sure you can prove everything you say though...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> I will contact both Hr dept. Thanks


If you can afford it have your lawyer file a complaint with the driver's HR dept. and request a formal investigation into his 'affairs' while dealing with the company's clients.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> 1 adult child age 21 in college, not at home. she is not gone a long enough time to meet with him. he lives 1 hour away from our home.
> I am looking to resolve this somehow and avoid divorce.


Okay, no kids in the immediate picture may have something to do with this new behavior on your wife's part. The usual script these women play by means that your wife has been increasingly devaluing you for a period of time. At first, it's subconscious, then she does it willfully. That's how you end up with her saying "if you don't like it, leave." She doesn't think you will, because she doesn't think you can get another woman. She isn't sexually attracted to you, and probably hasn't been for a while, so she thinks you're unattractive to all women. Which may or may not be the case.

The fastest way to shut this down is to go to the employers, *IF *they have some kind of policy against this that they actively enforce. Lot's have policies, but relatively few actually enforce them. Even if they do nothing (they probably won't) you embarrass your wife in front of her coworkers. She'll blow her stack, but that's tough. People have been fired for this, but it's the exception.

The second best is to identify, locate, and contact the OM's GF and tell her what's going on. Don't reveal any sources to the GF, she'll confront the OM with that info and he'll out your monitoring to your wife. Then you'll have burnt that source of info. Once the GF lights into the OM, he will probably throw your WW under the bus.

Lastly, start moving away from the status quo. Change your haircut, to what doesn't matter. It's a statement of change. Start dressing like a guy 10 years younger with 30% more income. Start bodybuilding with the big compound movements. You don't really care about strength, it's just a side benefit to looking good, which is the real goal. If you have any gut at all, get rid of it; you want it flat ASAP. Atkins combined with three barbell or machine sessions weekly will do wonders. Skip the "cardio," it's a time waster. If you don't wear cologne, start doing it. It sends a message. Go out every night. No explanation. See a movie, listen to bands. Look sharp when you leave. Put a password on your phone and be secretive. Your wife knows what that means so this gives her something to think about.

Start getting the divorce ducks in a row. Just in case and to send a message.

Your wife is in the grip of her "brain sex" chemistry (google it) and she needs several jolts of reality as to how things are going to be. Namely, you not around. She'll possibly kick back, or even double down on her misbehavior, but this probably your only chance to get her back on the right track. Still, it's a long shot.

Read "No More Mister Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer". Download both from Amazon and start reading today. Both these books will explain what went wrong, why, and how to fix it.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Listen to Mach. Even if she doesn't respond and you end up divorcing,(which sounds like a good idea IMO) you'll have put yourself in a position physically and mentally to hit the ground running and find her replacement. Or at the very least have the time of your life while looking.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for your input. my question for now is since she nolonger wears her rings should i remove mine to send a message?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> Thanks to everyone for your input. my question for now is since she nolonger wears her rings should i remove mine to send a message?


Would she care if you did?

I think that would only work with a spouse who is still in the marriage. If she has checked out it won't bother her. IMHO

That's something only you can judge.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

not really sure thought it would be worth a try. How can i get her cell texts? her phone is not a smart phone with internet.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> not really sure thought it would be worth a try. How can i get her cell texts? her phone is not a smart phone with internet.


You'll have to have her phone physically, plus you'll only be able to read what she hasn't deleted. Get it while she's asleep or in the shower.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I have been applying some of the suggestions in the 180 and read the fog. my wife used to keep her cell with her 24/7 now she started leaving it lay where i will see it for short periods of time.
I suspect a trap to see if I will look at it. her conversation has turned to telling me about couples we know who are seperated in the process of getting a divorce and dating. Is this a hint?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> I have been applying some of the suggestions in the 180 and read the fog. my wife used to keep her cell with her 24/7 now she started leaving it lay where i will see it for short periods of time.
> I suspect a trap to see if I will look at it. her conversation has turned to telling me about couples we know who are seperated in the process of getting a divorce and dating. Is this a hint?


Gmoyer
Yes, it is a big hint. Stop farting around.
Lodge complaints with both HR departments.
Go see an attorney for D advice.
Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

When she comes home screaming about you going to HR tell her to shut up and listen.

Tell her you saw an attorney. Let her know what she will get from a D settlement.

Ask her if that is what she wants???

No games.

By doing nothing you will lose your wife.

Get going.

HM64


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

G, Happyman has given you the road map. You know she is sending a signal with these comments. So tell her you think you can live very well on the money you will get from selling the house.

Remember, she told you to leave. So she thinks you will walk away from what you bled and sweated for so she can bring in her fb.

Start letting her know it won't be like she thinks.

There are no kids at home, so the home will be sold, or on e of you buy the other out.

In fact, she is talking about other couples to set the stage for kicking you out.
Screw that. YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE !!!
The next time she mention separated couples, Tell her SHE is free to move out anytime she wants.

NOW contact HR at both places.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes contact both HR's and tell them even if you don't mean it that you are keeping your legal options open. Ohhh that will get the ball rolling if not get both of them fired imo.And yes she is free to move out not you!


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

both Hr's have been contacted. I am waiting to see results?
still following 180 plan. 
I will not move out of my house untill we sell it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good the sooner you blow this up the sooner you can heal! Have a great weekend now that you have empowered yourself.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> both Hr's have been contacted. I am waiting to see results?
> still following 180 plan.
> I will not move out of my house untill we sell it.


Good job so far, stand tall, be the man, stick to the 180,if you fall off the wagon, climb right back onto the 180.

Dont loose your cool when talking to her, be a cucumber, if you start loosing it, just say to yourself "I'm a cucumber, cucumbers are cool"... ...laugh a little, will freak her out....just maintain, you got this.
take care of yourself, eat well, excersise will do wonders for you....


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

One thing more. She is going to blow her stack. 
Run out and buy a VAR, voice activated recorder.
Or use your phone to record her in case she try to call the cops, and make up some crap.

You now have to think of her as a darranged person and not your wife, So you don't know what she will do. You do know she is not the same. 
So take NOTHING for granted. You don't know what depths this alien will stoop.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I am sticking to the 180 and holding my ground !!!

I will keep you posted when i see more results.

Thanks to all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Time to deploy the VARs, one in her car and the other on you.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am sorry you are here but I am glad you are taking the good advice being offered. I am glad you contacted both HR departments regardless of whether their policies prevent this type of thing or not. Shining a spotlight on an affair is the best way to end it.

Please do not forget about the OM's (other man's) girlfriend. She must be told. She may be able to help you fill in some blanks along the way as well.

Your wife is going to go ballistic. The advice you have received about remaining calm is so VERY important. I do, however, suggest when she goes off on you that you tell her if she doesn't like it she can leave. 

Eat! (Something healthy would be best but anything will do). Start moving the body around! Take a walk, exercise...something that will help your brain help you cope.

Good luck to you and please be sure to let us know how you are doing. I hope you really believe that no matter what...you didn't do this or deserve this. Quite to the contrary.

*hugs*


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is going to explode, may call cops on you for DV so its time for you to carry a VAR with you else you may end up in jail.

Dont beg or cry for your marriage, it will only show her you are pathetic and weak. Be strong.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I do not know the OM's girfriends name. I don't even know the last name of the OM. my wife will not tell me. I know his employer and the town he lives in.

Thanks for the support


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

radio shack or best buy not sure about frys they are right get a couple asap


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Walmart also carries vars.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can find the OM phone number you can try an online lookup service to find his name and home address.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Spokeo.com has helped a few posters find info about the OM/W.

And the recommendation to keep a recorder on you at all times is a good idea.

If your wife gets crazy and calls the cops at least you will have the backup to show you were not threatening or violent towards her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What you can do when she freaks out and you record enough, call the cops and have her removed for the night.

Guess what thats called,,,, HARDBALL !!

Talk about a fantasy buster,,,


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

today she brought up another couple who were recently divorced.
I just said that good for them, and i am still doing 180


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

If you have the POSOM (piece of sh!t other man) phone # use cidlookup.com for his name and zabasearch.com for address for free
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

Here is a update. Since i contacted both Hr departments the calling and texting has stopped from her workplace at least. my wife still texts and calls him on her day off. I do not know if he is driving while he is talking?
The cdl law does not go into effect till jan. here but most trucking companies are enforcing it now. Now i need to end day off texting. i also need a concealed device that can record her voice when they are talking from my home?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Walmart and bestbuy both sell voice activated recorders. Many people seem to like the ones from Olympus


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Gmoyer3292 said:


> Here is a update. Since i contacted both Hr departments the calling and texting has stopped from her workplace at least. my wife still texts and calls him on her day off. I do not know if he is driving while he is talking?
> The cdl law does not go into effect till jan. here but most trucking companies are enforcing it now. Now i need to end day off texting. i also need a concealed device that can record her voice when they are talking from my home?


Get several voice-activated recorders (VAR). Get some velcro and use it to plant one under the car seat. Plant another VAR at various locations where she goes to talk.

Take a look at brickhouse or spystore or do a search for one in your area. They have various devices you could get to figure out what she's doing.


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## I.T. Guy (Oct 7, 2012)

Someone in love with someone will not betray that person.

If she doesn't want to work it out - pack your stuff, and start your new life. You are in charge of you, not her. She is in charge of her, and she is doing exactly what she wants to do.

She is passionate about someone, and it isn't you. Yes, that sucks. But people gonna do, what people gonna do - and we all do what we want.

"The person who cares the most, loses".

You are going to have to Alpha male it up a little.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Why should he leave the home he worked and bled for ??
Any bags packed should be hers.

G, next time she mention a couple breaking up. Look her in the eye and tell her she can leave anytime she wants, but you will NOT let her take your home from you.


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## I.T. Guy (Oct 7, 2012)

OldWolf57: I absolutely agree with you. It was poorly stated on my part, but you stated it EXACTLY correct!


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

we would both have to leave our home. neither of us have the income to support keeping the home. sticking to 180 plan.


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

I askek her in the past if she is having an affair and she denied it.
I followed up with you can leave anytime .


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## Gmoyer3292 (Sep 28, 2012)

been doing 180 all texting and call have stopped between wife and om for the last week? she has been leaving her phone for short periods of time where i could get it.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

GM, this sounds like a positive change, but until she owns what she's done, and is willing to talk to you about how she got to this place, it may not be over. Keep up the 180. Take care of yourself. Let her know that you will not tolerate three people in your marriage. Then, the decision is hers. You can't control what she does, only what you will do.


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