# Wife had one night stand and got pregnant while I was deployed to Iraq.



## montana16

I've been with my wife for almost 7 years now. I'm actually still in Iraq and am on my way home soon. Like the title says, my wife had a one night stand and ended up pregnant. She says that she was overwhelmed with depression about me being gone, got drunk and made a mistake. It's been 6 days now since she told me through Skype. I want to work everything out and get our happy marriage back. She is devastated by what she has done and i can tell she hurts knowing how much she has hurt me. I'd like some advice on how to get the image of my wife sleeping with another man out of my head. Any advice or comment about this thread is appreciated.


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## that_girl

First of all, thank you for your service.

Secondly, I doubt it was a 1 night stand. She just doesn't want to admit to everything right now.


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## the guy

First, thank you for the service to our country

Man thats tough, its been 17 month since I confronted my cheating wife. For me, I just forced the mind movies out and replaced them with the good things like getting home and often repeating to my self...a montra if you will. For me I would repeat "I diserve good things". I used to do it a million times a day not so much anymore.

Right now alls you have is mind power, keep forcing them thought out with "it will get better" or "I'm almost home" find something that works for you. I also started a journel, it helped me gain some control over the b~llsh~t things that were going through my head beside the act its self, basicly what ever I had a question with or a thought, I'd write it down then I could re read through it and try to make some sence of it.

Keep posting here to vent, for me it also is a big help. There is alot of good stuff here. Especially when you get back and have more time to deal with this sh8t. Right know just keep your self focused on being safe.


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## BigBri

Dude... are you ready to rear another man's kid? That will be a constant reminder of her cheating ways... NO WAY IN HELL would I bring that kid up as mine, sorry. 

This is the thanks you get for putting youself on the line for every single one of us. My props go out to you and the rest of the men and women in your outfit, but your wife is a real piece of work.


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## bs193

The only thing that you remove those images is time.

I must agree with tg, it was probably much more than a one night stand. She is going to have to come clean and be honest with you, and the truth probably won't come willingly or all at once. She needs to understand that complete transparency is required for reconciliation. Yes, it is going to hurt, but she needs to get it out in the open so it can be dealt with. The problem with lies is that people can never keep them straight and the truth, or pieces of it, will eventually make its way back to you. If she continues with the one night stand, I was drunk, BS then any progress you think you will be making will be for nothing and the damage will end up being 10x what it would be if she was honest from the start(that will be hard for her to believe right now, but its true).

Considering this resulted in a pregnancy, my guess is she has already told the OM. Regardless what that person thinks now, he will more than likely want to know his child in the future, so she can bet this person is going to come back into the picture, assuming he has even left it, which will greatest decrease any chance of her being able to maintain a lie about what happened while you were deployed.


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## the guy

There's alway adobtion, I'm against abortion and its not the kids fault, so there will for sure be alot to struggle with. 

But for now force those mind movies out. Stay with his wife or not he must prevent the mind movies one way or another.

Montana, 
This may not be for you but I wanted details....think hard and long about this, and bewarned. But for me the details that came out of my cheating wife mouth were better then what my imagination had.

Granted she could have lied and most likely downed played alot of went on. But my wifes "acts" deminised with time and just the plain fact that she had an affair is more in my thoughts then the act.


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## BigBri

It's not the kids fault, but he/she will always be a reminder of the affair. And to what bs193 was refering to- if this guy wants access to this child, he will be forever a thorn in the relationship if he choses to reconcile. Most men would not put-up with that... I know I wouldn't... leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


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## howcouldshe

First off Thank You very much for serving for all of us, people dont say those works enough but I can tell you I appreicate what you are doing over there.

There are a few things here, the first one is the fact that your W went and got in that postion while you are out making a pay check and defending her freedom, that is the one that bothers me, the fact that I am assuming she was having unprotected sex as well is behavior that is not acceptable.

My situation is not the same as yours as I am not deployed for months on end but I was on the road every week for several years.

As others have said it is possible that this was a one time deal but I would have to agree that it is somewhat doubtful.

As for getting the images out of your head, that is a tough one, I have not been able to do it and part of it is cause I know the guy...

I can tell you stay calm and try to see if it can work, it sounds like she is showing remorse and reget which is good, mine did not do that and tried to blame me for it.

I wish you the best in this issue and your deplyment and I will keep you and your fellow soilders in my prayers. You can get through this but she needs to be fully on board and above board to make it work, it sounds like she is accountable so that is a great start.


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## Atholk

She accidentally went somewhere with men and booze when she was ovulating.
She accidentally got drunk.
She accidentally had sex.
She accidentally didn't use protection.
She accidentally didn't use the morning after pill.

There's no way you can ever be comfortable being deployed again leaving her home alone.

Right now you are on the hook for 18 years of child support unless you start the process of dealing with that legally immediately.

I'm so sorry.


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## montana16

I am confident that my wife is telling me the truth about it being a one night stand. I plan on confronting her again on the subject soon. She says she is willing to do whatever it takes for this marriage to work, that includes abortion (which we are both against). The fact that she was strong enough to tell me gives me confidence that she wants us to work. 

I've been trying as hard as i can to keep busy and do whatever i can to keep my mind off of the subject since I'm so close to going home. I know that a lot of these feelings are going to come forth and might even be stronger when i have to confront here face to face. I've talked to a lot of her friends and they can all tell that she is suffering from what she has done.

The fact is, is that i don't want her to suffer. She knows exactly how i feel about everything and I remind her everyday. It's only been 5 days, so who knows where this could be going. So far it's looking like we can get through this, but am i going to ba able to be happy about our decision? I know its a question i have to ask myself, and i ask it constantly. 

Anyway, Thank you all for your posts, They are all appreciated.


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## Lon

Montana, sorry to hear about your situation... personally, knowing what I know now about my own marriage and dealing with the thoughts of the OM (plural), it is hard enough without having to think about having to raise some other dudes offspring. Like the guy I'm not in favor of abortion but there is the other option of adoption. If she wanted to keep the baby I'd be long gone, not my problem (she broke her marital vows so their is no moral or ethical requirement for you to reconcile or take this on). If you don't already have kids I'd also bolt, its not worth the knowledge of her being with OM when you are deployed (past and future).

If its just advice on how to get the imagery out of your mind I'm sorry I don't have an answer yet, maybe time will help, maybe electroshock therapy ?? Wishing you a good recovery from this whatever course of action you take...


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## RandomDude

I have no respect for scum who steal soldier's wives while they are out risking their lives for their safety. Darn if only there was a way to punish these scum by law - it depletes morale.

Anyways I'm not for adoption, I'm more for abortion. I'm definitely not going to encourage you raising the kid up as your own as it's going to be painful even if half of the kid's blood is your wife's. The thing is, adopted kids do always feel a sense of rejection and pain and personally I would spare them being born into this and give them a better chance in another life. But that's just me.


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## Entropy3000

Atholk said:


> She accidentally went somewhere with men and booze when she was ovulating.
> She accidentally got drunk.
> She accidentally had sex.
> She accidentally didn't use protection.
> She accidentally didn't use the morning after pill.
> 
> *There's no way you can ever be comfortable being deployed again leaving her home alone.*
> 
> Right now you are on the hook for 18 years of child support unless you start the process of dealing with that legally immediately.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Locard

Montana, sorry for this. Keep your head on straight until you are home safe. 

Now, if you would care to take a look around this sight, you will see that you are not alone in initially being cetain that she is telling you the truth....but the fact that she did this is absolutely proof postive that she has ZERO credibility. She told you because she is scared. I am with you on abortion. 

If you do not have kids, pop smoke and move out. Stay safe and be strong.


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## morituri

This forum is a great place for betrayed spouses to get much needed emotional support that they may not be able to get from friends or family. I hope you consider coming back when you feel the need for it.


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## lordmayhem

montana16 said:


> I am confident that my wife is telling me the truth about it being a one night stand. I plan on confronting her again on the subject soon. She says she is willing to do whatever it takes for this marriage to work, that includes abortion (which we are both against). The fact that she was strong enough to tell me gives me confidence that she wants us to work.
> 
> I've been trying as hard as i can to keep busy and do whatever i can to keep my mind off of the subject since I'm so close to going home. I know that a lot of these feelings are going to come forth and might even be stronger when i have to confront here face to face. I've talked to a lot of her friends and they can all tell that she is suffering from what she has done.
> 
> The fact is, is that i don't want her to suffer. She knows exactly how i feel about everything and I remind her everyday. It's only been 5 days, so who knows where this could be going. So far it's looking like we can get through this, but am i going to ba able to be happy about our decision? I know its a question i have to ask myself, and i ask it constantly.
> 
> Anyway, Thank you all for your posts, They are all appreciated.


montana16, you need to realize that you are in the initial shock/denial phase and you are in survival mode, wanting to try and save your marriage at all costs. Add that fact that you are deployed downrange, and this is all clouding your thinking. Because you're in the initial phase clouding your thinking, you want to be able to believe your wife had only a ONS. You want to believe she is hurting. You want to believe that you can work this out. You're especially emotionally vulnerable right now and feeling lonely and needy. I know, I've felt that feeling when I was deployed many times. At this point, all you want to do is get back home and make things right. You say you are confident your wife is telling you the truth, yet she was willing to break the trust of marriage and bang some OM behind your back while you are deployed downrange. See how cloudy your thinking is from the smog?

If you've deployed before, then you know that this will fade once you rotate back to the world. Once this cloudy thinking fades, then the anger about what she's done will hit you. You ask how to get the images of your wife having sex with another man out of your head (this is called the MIND MOVIES). The answer is that you can't. As your WWs belly grows from the pregnancy, this will be a huge trigger, a trigger that brings up those mind movies everyday. You will also realize that you can NEVER trust her when you deploy again, it will eat at you the whole time that you're deployed. 

You have to accept the fact that your WW did not love you enough to stay faithful to you, just as my WW didn't love me enough to stay faithful to me. As the guy mentioned, there is the adoption path, since you are against abortion. Did you find out who the OM is? If he's military, then you know adultery is still punishable under the UCMJ and you can contact your commander and the JAG about this. In fact, see the legal office at your deployed location about this and see what your options are. 

You don't want to hear this right now because you're in the smog, but you cannot believe a word that your WW is telling you right now. Cheaters lie. She only told you because she's pregnant and you are going to find out about it anyway. If she didn't get knocked up by the OM, she wouldn't have told you about the A. And please don't believe that it was just a single drunken ONS. Cheaters almost always engage in trickle truth, they will minimize what they have done.


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## montana16

I've done a lot of research and am 99% certain that this was a one night stand. And I realize that I'm still in the shocked phase of everything, but my thinking is still pretty clear. I know that if i were there none of this would have happened. But i don't really have a say in where the military will take me. I'm getting out of the military very soon and am looking forward to getting through this together. 

I can tell she is devastated over what she has done. I know that we have a lot of work cut out for us and am willing to give it a try. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? Cause I sure believe they do. I know that with time I can forgive her. I just need her to forgive herself so we can start the mending process.

Does anyone have any advice on how to revive a marriage after this huge setback? I told her that i don't want to get an abortion. I also told her that I might be willing to raise this child. Also shes not sure whos child this is considering that i just got off of leave. She'll know soon. 

We've been talking about having a baby of our own for a while now and she got off of the pill not long after i left for iraq hoping that the effects would be gone by the time i got home on leave. I guess i already know the what my answer to these problems are, I'm just looking for some support I guess.


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## 8yearscheating

The man is not back yet and does NOT need to be thinking about other possibilities like what else may have happened and is in no postion to make decisions about what should happen with the kid. 

He needs to focus on the job he is facing and get back safely.

Montana - immense thanks for being there protecting our freedoms. Please ignore all of the insensitive crap being posted and focus on getting back in one piece. The details and dealing with it can happen when your back. For now, everytime those mind movies start playing try to do two things - one is get real busy and engrossed in something that forces you think about what your doing. Do not sit and think. Second, try to displace those thoughts with something you remember fondly about your wife - a great trip or a special time with her. People do make mistakes and it may very well be that it is just as she describes it. DOn't let your mind wander to all of the possibilities. Remember that everyone's situation is different and there are lot of people on here that were not just cheated on but unable to get their spouses to consider reconciling and working through it or were dragged through the mud because their spouses refused to give up the affair. 

Take what your wife is telling you at face value until you are in front of her and can talk. Unfortunately the decision about the kid is entirely up to her so you will again have to wait until you are face to face to discuss it. Focus on not doing harm to her or you by accusations, getting angry or interrogations. You want her to be open and honest and all of those things will cause her shut down. In fact, as hard as it may be, thank ehr for being honest and ask she continue to do so no matter how painful it may be. DO NOT dig into the gory details, that only adds to the mind movies and triggers and is not worth nor what you need now or ever.

I know how hard it is to keep your mind from playing the movies in your head. While it might not seem possible, you are going through is a form of the PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) that soldiers get from being in combat. Please don't be afraid to see a chaplain or base medical for some help. 

One other thing to focus on and use to help keep your spirits up - this can all work out and things can be better in your marriage as a result. Your wife obviously knows she crossed over a serious boundary and is very remorseful which is a fantastic start on reconciling and healing for both of you. It will take time and work but it can get dramatically better for both of you. I'll use myself as an example. 27 years married. Wife cheated with 2 men 20 years ago then a "friend" of mine for 18 years. MY youngest daughter, is not biologically mine. In spite of all this we are reconciling and doing extremely well 8 months out from discovery. We are more in love now than we have been in many years. Those mind movies started to subside for me in about 2 months with help from counselor and marriage counselling. If you love her and i know you do, know that together as a team, the two of you can get through this.

Take care of yourself, focus on keeping yourself safe and coming back. Thanks again for the hard work your doing!

This man needs encouragement and help.


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## 8yearscheating

On the support for reconciling, sugegst you check out website called beyondaffairs.com - click on the seminars tab then click on the word teleseminars. Listen to what you feel looks like it fits. There are also documents to read. The site is all about healing for you and your wife. I caution you to be careful on this site and ignore the negative bull about how could you trust her, shes a blankety blank, it'snot worth it, etc. etc. There are a lot of bitter people on here.


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## Jellybeans

Montana, my first thought is that maybe this was not a one-night stand. 

Did she tell you who the other man is? Does she know him? see him? Still in contact?

I would have her do a paternity test if she decides to keep the baby. If it's not yours, I would be sure the biological father is responsible for child support, not you. 

Thank you for your service. It's greatly appreciated


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## Locard

8yearscheating, it is not insenstive crap at all, but if you'd like, OP keep your head in the sandbox, so to speak.....


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## terrified

I am so so sorry.


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## lordmayhem

Locard said:


> 8yearscheating, it is not insenstive crap at all, but if you'd like, OP keep your head in the sandbox, so to speak.....


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## sweetpea

Posters,

Please review forum guidelines for TAM. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...117-posting-guidelines-please-read-first.html

#1. Please treat others with respect and dignity

#6 Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.

We can disagree with each other, but please be respectful with your comments. 

Thank you!


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## terrified

I just wanted to add:

When I got pregnant with my daughter it was literally 'one time'. I know a lot of people will say it is SO unlikely it must be a lie but my husband was across the country from me. Came home for 1 night and we had sex 1 time and I was pregnant (reallllly not planned....lol). So it is totally possible to get pregnant from a one night stand.

I don't know if your wife is being honest about it being a one night stand or not but you are a good man with a lot of strength to believe her and love her unconditionally.

I am in no place to be giving advice yet as my entire life has recently been rocked by my husbands affair but if I could I would give it to you. Please be safe. 'Soldier on' until you can get home and deal with this as a team. You are in for the ride of your life I am sure but baby, no baby, one night stand or not; you will get through this.

Be safe.


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## Halien

terrified said:


> I just wanted to add:
> 
> When I got pregnant with my daughter it was literally 'one time'. I know a lot of people will say it is SO unlikely it must be a lie but my husband was across the country from me. Came home for 1 night and we had sex 1 time and I was pregnant (reallllly not planned....lol). So it is totally possible to get pregnant from a one night stand.
> 
> I don't know if your wife is being honest about it being a one night stand or not but you are a good man with a lot of strength to believe her and love her unconditionally.
> 
> I am in no place to be giving advice yet as my entire life has recently been rocked by my husbands affair but if I could I would give it to you. Please be safe. 'Soldier on' until you can get home and deal with this as a team. You are in for the ride of your life I am sure but baby, no baby, one night stand or not; you will get through this.
> 
> Be safe.


I think you make a great point. There is also the aspect of this nearly exact situation being one that is happening to quite a few returning soldiers, though. One of my employees, a Lt. Colonel, just returned from a two year deployment in Iraq. Recently, he was telling me that this was one of the saddest parts of life in his unit. So many do not hear about anything wrong until she finds out that she is pregnant. To shield the identity of the one they were with, blackouts seem to be pretty common, according to my friend. Along with one-time only pregnancies.


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## michzz

As others have notes, thank you for your service protecting us with your sacrifice. None of us knows how high the price of it is but you and your fellow soldiers.

A couple of things stand out to me in your story.

1. The baby could be yours.

2. She volunteered some information about having cheated.

Those are huge positives! These are things that you can hang reconciliation upon.

That you are still deployed makes much of what you can do right now is a waiting game until you are eye to eye in the same room.

Yes, there are huge negatives floating about. Obviously, there is much she has not told you about what she has been doing in your absence. And there is the possibility that the child is not yours. And her tears now could be disingenuous.

But you know what? As overwhelming all of this is, you are not going to resolve this right now. Your own feelings, your current duties, not being in the same room with her, all those things make it so you have to focus on your immediate situation as much as possible.

Be wise about whether or not your wife has a cynicism about your marriage that you do not share. Be wise about personal failings. And most of all, protect yourself and what you will tolerate in your life.


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## 8yearscheating

Great Post MichZZ


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## HurtinginTN

First of all, I join the others in thanking you for your service. I am a veteran of Desert Storm myself. 

I have 3 kids, ages 8, 9, and 11. There is much more to being a father than who donated the sperm. Some have suggested to me that I have paternity tests on my children given the recent affair. However, those kids are mine regardless. I agree with you and your wife that abortion is not the way to go. I don't know if you have other kids or not. As 8 years mentioned, he is not the biological father of his youngest daughter. However, she is HIS daughter.

You are in somewhat of an advantage being out of the country. The initial anger may have time to pass before you come home to a face to face. I would go talk to your chaplain. It is possible, and hopeful, she is telling you the truth. Look around on here and find the chart breaking down the actions of someone who is truly remorseful. 

I've said for months I would have rather my wife had a one night stand than a long-term emotional affair. Trust your gut. If your gut says she is telling the truth, go with it. Not your heart that wants to save your marriage no matter what. My heart led me to believe lots of garbage. My gut was always right. 

Be safe. You have had time to talk to her several times apparently. Given that, I assume you are not on the front lines. Take care of yourself and try to take it one day at a time.


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## Entropy3000

I am a veteran myself and speak with nothing but compassion for this brother in arms. My gratitude for his service and sacrifice is beyond words. But certainly a heart felt thank you for sure. He is currently in harms way and indeed needs his wits about him.

In the service I had a number of sailors confiding in me because of my experience for guidance in these type of situtations. Mainly I was there to listen and keep thier spirits up. But this is all too common unfortunately. It tears me up.

So for now I will monitor this thread because frankly I care. That said he is in good hands with the guidance he needs now.


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## the guy

Montana,
My wife and I had the most unhealthy marriage imaginable, and after 19 years of BS we were able to pull our heads out of are @sses and make it work.

I'm talking about neglect,abuse, affairs, the works. So i'm here to tell you anything can happen, there is hope when the *both* of you put your minds to it.

We are both very happy now and celebrated our 20th anny.


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## HurtinginTN

terrified said:


> When I got pregnant with my daughter it was literally 'one time'. I know a lot of people will say it is SO unlikely it must be a lie but my husband was across the country from me. Came home for 1 night and we had sex 1 time and I was pregnant (reallllly not planned....lol). So it is totally possible to get pregnant from a one night stand.



:iagree: Great point. My son was the same way. I was working at home at the time, so we were together all the time. With 2 kids in diapers, there wasn't much opportunity for any hanky panky. I think we only had sex once anytime in the given month. I was totally surprised when she showed me the pregnancy test. Once is all it takes.


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## golfergirl

HurtinginTN said:


> :iagree: Great point. My son was the same way. I was working at home at the time, so we were together all the time. With 2 kids in diapers, there wasn't much opportunity for any hanky panky. I think we only had sex once anytime in the given month. I was totally surprised when she showed me the pregnancy test. Once is all it takes.


My H worked shiftwork and I think we had sex once that month between his shifts, my job, our toddler and cold and flu season. Add that to me being 41 at the time - bingo bango sometimes it just takes once! 
Best of luck Montana, get home safely and then sort this out. Everything is fixable.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating

We are all here for you Montana - eyes to the future. Make it home safe! Things will be just fine. Make it so!


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## 8yearscheating

8yearscheating said:


> On the support for reconciling, sugegst you check out website called beyondaffairs.com - click on the seminars tab then click on the word teleseminars. Listen to what you feel looks like it fits. There are also documents to read. The site is all about healing for you and your wife. I caution you to be careful on this site and ignore the negative bull about how could you trust her, shes a blankety blank, it'snot worth it, etc. etc. There are a lot of bitter people on here.



Just want to make on thing perfectly clear to you Montana - I am NOT affiliated in any way with beyondaffairs.com. I am not pushing their website or their services. I found a lot of good information there and it is one of the few resources I've found that focuses solely on healing.


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## montana16

I'm past the shock stage and am now coping with the fact that my wife was unfaithful. i really appreciate all the positive feedback on everything. My mind is starting to feel at ease and i'm starting to return to me normal daily routines. I still feel the edge of the dagger on the back side of my heart, but the feeling is slowly fading. 

I've told my wife that i can forgive her for what she has done. I told her that i need her to stop beating herself up about it and to worry about the baby until i get home. I'm fully confident that my wife has told me the truth about everything, and am sure that in time if theres anything she left out she will tell me. 

I'm on the last leg of my deployment and everything is really slowing down as in work wise. I've been keeping myself busy in my work and off work hours I read a book or talk to friends and family back home. I'm starting to feel like i have more confidence in myself and my marriage. She has already started counseling due to my request and am waiting to hear about how that is going.

I'm still heartbroken and i guess this is to be expected when something like this happens. I'm starting to feel more secure about raising this child as if it were mine, which it still could be. i'm just scared that the way i'm feeling right now may turn around and I have to start from the beginning again. Did this ever happen to any of you?


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## lordmayhem

montana16 said:


> Did this ever happen to any of you?


Nope. My WW stayed faithful to me during all my deployments and didn't bang other men, even if she was depressed and lonely. She was more mature than that, at least I'll give her that credit. She didn't get pregnant by another man, and if she did, I wouldn't tolerate it. I'll be damned if I raise another man's kid, one who she cheated with.

How convenient is it that she doesn't know who the father is. 

I guess the OM gets to get off scot free, getting away with banging your WW while you were deployed, while you pick up the tabs for raising his kid. If that's his kid, then he'll be back in your marriage. You may want to get counselling for yourself when you rotate back to the world for the mixed emotions and feelings that you're going to experience. You're not going to get rid of the mind movies just like that. And you will trigger, despite what you might think. You're right to be scared that you might feel different. This *is just the start of the emotional roller coaster that you're going to ride on*. Right now, you feel you can accept anything and work on anything to fix the marriage because you love her so much, you should fully expect to feel the opposite way soon. There's no stopping this. You can only sweep it under the rug for so long before it affects you.


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## 8yearscheating

It's always up and down for the first couple of months. Same with your feelings about the baby. I made the decision in church one day that she was mine, I was her father and would continue to be so and there NEVER be anything said to her to the contrary, even after I was dead. The OM would never know anything. All I explained to my daughter and my other two were that I had a major falling out him and would kill him if he ever contacted me or any member of my family - he was scum. My wife agreed. My feelings for my wife were up and down for quite a while - reember the duration of what she did. My MC made a very wise suggestion to me - take a chance, she is committed to you...she loves you and wants only you. Let down your guard and love her like you have never been hurt. Define the boundaries you expect in any dealings with another male and she will follow them. FOr me that meant any unusual or out of bounds comments by another man were to be relayed to me. No girls night out unless it was with ehr sisters or someone she knew I could trust to keep her safe. There were restrictions but they were realistic. Keep your heart strong, don't focus on the past but the future and what you need to feel safe and secure with her. You can and will make it! Use the info I gave you anytime.


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## Whip Morgan

Montana,

I was deployed to that nightmare of a country, and saw some friends have serious marital issues. Its awful being so far away and not being able to "do anything". I would highly recommend, if you haven't already, speak to your front line supervisor about this. Chain of Command might be able to get you some more time to speak with the people back home.

I understand you might feel some people here are blowing this out of proportion. They're just trying to prepare you for the possibility that there is more to what she told you. If you read around stories here, you'll learn about "Trickle Truth" and how its used. Its certainly possible that this truly was only a ONS, but as often the case here, it was longer than that. Also, if she wasn't pregnant, its very possible she would have never told you.

These assumptions paint your wife in a very bad light. I get you don't want to do that. However, she betrayed you and broke her vows. Now there is child involved, which may not be yours. There are lots of Loyal Spouses in threads here that were in the same boat as you are now, and the nightmare of the Betrayed Spouses infidelity gets worse and worse. Prepare yourself mentally, for when you get home. Its possible that somehow, the distance between you two is serving as a buffer against the reality of her betrayal. 

One thing you'll notice in these stories, as you read more and more, is almost the same pattern they follow. Initial discovery, lies, trickle truth, lies, trickle truth. Tip of the iceberg theme for sure. This does not mean that your wife didn't do it only once, ONS do happen. However, after being around this board for a while, you'll realize that there is more to it. 

Do you have access to your unit chaplain? He may be able to help you if you need to talk.


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## 8yearscheating

You'll have plenty of time to find out everything you want to know when you get back. Don't fret the details for now or question what you have been told. Face to face the two of you can work through whatever it was and like I said, mine was huge pile of doo and I'm making my way through it with my wife's support - so can you.


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## calif_hope

Montana, brother, thank you for your service.

I can't imangine the emotions you are going through right now, I admire you desire to forgive and reconcile and take this baby as yours.

During this emotional time I would heed the advise you find on thease pages - we have all seen the devil and are in different levels in our recovery. But we are moving towards healing, with or with out the family or loved one we once had or though we had. 

My advise to you is to not be so quick to claim parternity. In most, if not all states the women's husband is the persumed father no matter what is placed on the birth certificate.

Talk to your unit's legal officer to get the ball rolling in protecting YOUR rights.

If the child's your, proved by DNA, thank God!

If the child's not yours by DNA and you have a court judgement say you are not father and IF you reconcile you can adopt the child later. 

If you remain the persumtive father (and are not the biological father) and later your reconcilation falls apart (the odds are against you in success) - you will be on the hook for Child Support and Medical Insurance for someone elses child until they are 18 and in some states longer if they go to college.

A lot of this goes out the window if the ONS axx hxxx finds out and if he is the biological father - he could be part of your life for years to come - talk about triggers.

Get help from your unit's legal officer - I gotta tell you Montana, as a former JAG in the Naval Service - this happens a great deal and their are policies and procedures for cases just like this.......some commands even have self-help groups and counseling programs for servicemen raising a child that their wives conceived while they were deployed.

I worked with a young marine who was deployed for 8 months, no RR trips stateside home, when he got back his loving and devoted wife was four months pregnant. He wanted and tried to rebuild his marriage, was man enough to be in the deliverary room when the child was born. He found out three weeks after the birth that his wife was meeting up with the baby's biological father so he could visit his child and the sexual affair resumed.

He filed for divorce, she soon found out how much of a loser the OM was, her legal aid response demanded child support, and medical coverage - the Marine was ordered to pay child support for 18 months until the courts excluded him as the child' father.

She is on welfare, really no point trying to reclaim the money. Can't go after the biological dad as the welfare office has not taken him to court yet for a paternity judgment.

Talk to your support system, they can provide you with counseling and services to protect YOUR rights and those are the only rights you should always be concerned with, reconcilation or not.

Again, thank you for your service.


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## undecided

The same thing happened to me when I was deployed except she didnt get pregnant. I thought I could work it out and tried to. The images never left my head and I never trusted her. To top it off, she continued with her secrecy and sneakyness. We ended up divorcing and now I just wish I would have done it as soon as I got back and not wait. But hey, thats just me every one is different. To be honest, I dont know how YOU can do it with a kid involved. Everyone has their opinion but if it was me, I would walk away now. I believe in second chances, but damn. If you decide to try, which you have already indicated, I would suggest not communicating as much. The fact that we spoke everyday and I called home all the time put her in control. Be hard to reach, make her feel like she probably is going to lose you. Her knowing there will be no consequences for what she did is not going to make it better.


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## Atholk

montana16 said:


> Also shes not sure whos child this is considering that i just got off of leave. She'll know soon.


I thought this was a one and done event.

How does she not know whose baby it is?


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## cj9947

Montana16,
Thank you for your service to our Country. I do not always believe in my Country's decisions when it comes to war but I always believe in you service people and the important job you do. The physical distance between you and your wife must make it all the harder.

It terms of getting the "images" out of your head I would suggest you not torture yourself with it. With my wife's recent affair, I was able to remember that we are sexual beings by design, spouses are typically not virgins anymore when they marry, if a wife were to become a widow they continue with there sex lives after mourning the loss of a spouse and if she hadn't married me she would have had a sex life with another man/husband. I think the images are ego driven.

In terms of your wife, do not come to any conclusions until you get home. You really need to look her in the eye and talk with her. Like myself, you may be in for a shock to find out who you really married. The people on this message board and their advice have really helped me. They can help you too.


Take care of yourself.


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## 8yearscheating

Great post CJ!


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## MrQuatto

Montana, as a fellow veteran, there is one thing I can recommend for you that you have at your fingertips. The armed services provides a wide variety of assistance for those deployed. Counselors, religious leaders, etc. Some of them are the best in the country and there to help you. There is no shame what so ever in seeking them out. It is a resource for you there, now. Use it and use it well. There is a great possibility you can work through alot of this while there and be completely clear and level headed when you return for the true sit down.

I used these services when I was in and they really DID help, not only that but they were genuinely compassionate and concerned for my well being. Please consider these resources that are there for you. 

Other than that, while there is outstanding recommendations on here from all of us, only you know your true self. Follow your gut so to say and do what you feel is truly right for you, and you alone.

Q~


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## montana16

Well everyone, me and the wife have decided that we have done all we can, with being this far apart and whatnot, and it looks like we're gonna be ok. i told her that I can't make any real decisions until i get home in a few more weeks and she understands. I really do thank everyone on here for all the help they have given. I guess its time to do the military's most worthless job, hurry up and wait.


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## 8yearscheating

Remember Montana - you can always contact me directly if you need to! I'm a strong proponent of reconciling and have done tons of research to educate myself. So far, I'm successful and as long as my wife doesn't decide to go back - we will stay together!


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## stepfordwife

montana16 said:


> I've been with my wife for almost 7 years now. I'm actually still in Iraq and am on my way home soon. Like the title says, my wife had a one night stand and ended up pregnant. She says that she was overwhelmed with depression about me being gone, got drunk and made a mistake. It's been 6 days now since she told me through Skype. I want to work everything out and get our happy marriage back. She is devastated by what she has done and i can tell she hurts knowing how much she has hurt me. I'd like some advice on how to get the image of my wife sleeping with another man out of my head. Any advice or comment about this thread is appreciated.


If you married ME instead, Id have been faithful to you  Good luck to you sir. Best wishes.


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## TBT

This thread is almost a year old.


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## MattMatt

TBT said:


> This thread is almost a year old.


Wonder how it turned out?


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## TBT

MattMatt said:


> Wonder how it turned out?


Seeing as how we'll probably never know for sure Matt,then I choose to believe that they are happy and at peace wherever they may be.


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