# Sex during separation?



## 33sillygirl (Jun 9, 2009)

So what are the rules for sex during separation? Do you hold out until things are back together or do you have the occasional one night stand with you partner, or does it really matter?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, it matters all right. I had sex with dh when we were separated 16 years ago...I now have a 15.5 year old son. DH managed to get me pregnant  . I trusted him when he said: "I've got it covered".  YES he did it on purpose...

I was stupid, stupid, stupid.


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## 33sillygirl (Jun 9, 2009)

So what does that mean. Besides babies. Am I just giving him what he needs at the moment or does it bring back some love in our relationship


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you have no intention of divorcing and you are truly working toward getting things back on track, then having sex is an extension of that process.

If you aren't then having sex is a very bad idea and will just confuse things.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's a good questions. I have it also. I don't want the seperation or divorce. He does. However, I am holding onto hope that he'll discover that the "grass isn't greener."

I can see sex during the seperation. I am wondering if it is just a place for sex for the guy.....with the gal holding on to hope. Or, does it maintain the connection.

My husband had an assistant, years old, at work. Her husband had an affair, got the other woman preganant, and eventually married her. My husband's assistant still loved him and still had sex with him. Nothing ever came out of it. Especially, when it's not monogamous sex....I believe he's playing both fields.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Well if you read my thread the DH and I have been sleeping together during the entire separation and just a recently as 2 weeks ago. He hasn't been monogamous (yes I knew that it wasn't a surprise to me) and no nothing has come of it. He hasn't seen the light. I wish I wouldn't have done it the entire time. It wasn't the best move on my part. Don't get me wrong it was great and I enjoyed it as well as he. 

I'm torn on this one. In my head he keeps coming back to me for a reason. In other's minds he's keeping me as a back up (which I don't necessarily disagree with I just don't like the idea). 

I guess it's a matter of you not hoping that that will keep the marriage toghether. I didn't think it would be the thread that sewed ours back up but I did in the back of my mind think it'd cause more realizations than it has. I still think he's ignoring a lot but that's just me.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

SEX does NOT bring back love.

Respect and the DECISION to love someone brings back love.

Sex with an ex is usually just that: sex.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> SEX does NOT bring back love.
> 
> Respect and the DECISION to love someone brings back love.
> 
> Sex with an ex is usually just that: sex.


I hope you didn't think that that's what I thought it was going to do. That's not what I meant by my post. I thought that that amongst other things might cause some other realizations. 

Just clarifying that I did not think simply by having sex w/***** that that would bring him home.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Wasn't......sure. Whew.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Wasn't......sure. Whew.



LOL!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I've thought about this again....

If you are seperated and giving in too much, then it's like he doesn't have to "work" at it. Or, you don't have to work at it. It's just SEX.

However, if you aren't the "easy" one and he has to court you again (in some way) then it leads to more of a connection and not just sex.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you're having sex with him after he's had sex with someone else...that's a stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do.

Forget about the STD and the emotional wreck it is making you but where is your self respect?

You are enabling him to have the proverbial cake and eat it too...stop...you're better than that and deserve better.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

My husband and I have been separated for 4 months now, and have been having sex during the separation. He left, I want to work on things. It is certainly a confusing decision. 

I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he wishes to start dating / having sex with other women he has to divorce me first. Otherwise, if he is still undecided about divorce, I am willing to maintain sexual contact. 

I am usually the one to initiate, but if he asks and I'm just not in a good place at the time, I will say no. It is not punishment. I am really not trying to play games. I don't think that sex will bring him back, and I don't think that withholding sex will bring him back. 

It is hard because it gives me some hope, but on the other hand, what is the point of making myself more miserable by not getting to have sex?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Im struggling with this thought also.

My wife and I discussed the posibility of this, and we decided we couldnt rule it out. Things are still a little to fresh for it to happen though as shes still holding alot of anger towards me.

I really cant decide if its a good idea or not. I see it as convenient and safe (as long as youre being smart about it). At the same time Im afraid it might give me false hope that she wants to work on things. That wouldnt be a good thing right now.

I guess its up to you. Question is, can *you* be ok with it and not look into it too much. Thats all that really matters.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

my husband's heart is now torn between two women and he never had sex with the woman. he wanted to fill his emotional void. not sexual void. sex is sex right now during a separation. i want to make love to my husband. right now, sex would be an escape for both of us and will confuse both of us more. it's tough. but holding out hopefully will bring me the respect i deserve.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Ask yourself - do I want to risk being pregnant? exposing myself to possible STD (if infidelity is/was an issue) ? If the answer is NO - then you have your answer. 

Unfortunately not all of us think rationally when faced with physical intimacy & we let our libidos take over. 
I have to admit that my husband & I continued to sleep together throughout our seperation ( not as frequently as when we lived together). And wish I would have asked myself more honestly the above questions. 

Although the sex was good- it was sex & was not "making love". But guess satisfied both of our physical needs. 
In hind sight, I would not have done it (risk of pregnancy, STD,etc). anytime my period was a little late, I would worry & think being pregnant is NOT something we really should be adding into the mix of our relationship issues. You wouldn't be making decisions for the right reasons again & just would make things alot more complicated than it should be. And for the unborn child - it is not a fair situation to bring a child into the world under those type of circumstances. 

Like many of you mentioned, the spouse that doesn't really want the seperation is using the idea of sex as a means of "hope" & a way to hold on( ( guess I fall into that category & maybe used it as a rationalization). 
Yet at the same time, would have to agree with someone elses post that if you are truely working on the relationship ( BOTH of you & no previous indications of infidelity) & there is hope. That the sex/physical closeness may help .

As with any of questions posed on this site - there is no right or wrong answer. Each situation is unique and can be handled in many ways. 

But think it is best to be "sex-free" until you get more clarity on your relationship.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

LADIES LADIES LADIES!!!

The question here should not be: "should I have sex with him?",
rather IMHO: "how dare he?"

I mean come on really. I understand you all have feelings for your separated significant other. But seriously, what makes you think, he isn't just practicing with you (especially if it's gotten better), so he can satisfy the other younger thing...

NO SEX, until you talk! I mean wtf? Does he get up and leave afterwards, like you're a one-night-stand or something? Or does he just use you like a blankie b/c the OW is not giving him the comfort you did!

S-E-L-F-R-E-S-P-E-C-T! IMHO, you're making it worse for yourself...

Apologies to come off strong. But your vulnerability, needs me to tell you this...

:redcard::redcard::redcard:

Proverbial cake!


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