# Slowly slowly catchee (up with our sex life)



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Could have posted in sex sub-forum but thought men's insight might help
We've been a bit barren for three years or so - some intimacy but not much, and for my part I think the lack of affection and intimacy OUT of bed is far more telling when it comes to how little bedroom action we've had (in another thread I saw the phrase 'make love to a woman's heart' and thought that was my kind of comment!)
Now I'm trying to really take responsibility for my own part and actually praise, appreciate, etc., way better than I had been (trying to ignore my reasons, of course - but maybe that'll resolve itself if our sex life returns!)
So..... How on earth, I actually need the words chaps, do I avoid rejecting him if he seems more interested in my boobs than nibbling my neck in the kitchen? How can I get past wanting to be spontaneous & feeling really put down if he leaps because he's a bit nervy & I've actually surprised him? How can I say NICELY I really want to kiss you but you've got a cigarette going so I'm not coming near you with a bargepole:scratchhead:
I think I've begun to recognise what I need to do, I just feel a bit like a gawky teenager needing the tools to not go wrong before I start


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Madimoff,

Why would you have to get past being spontaneous if that is what you want? And if you need more affection out of the bedroom to make more affection into the bedroom than that is something you need to tell him.
As a guy, I, of course, absolutely love sex. But one thing I noticed is that if I dont get sex, I feel less loving because I feel less appreciated. If i get lots of sex, that feeling of appreciation then extends out of he bedroom and i start displaying more non sexual passion outside of the bedroom. One thing you can do is make some rock your world sex to your husband, lots. Try it out, you may see a change in your husband with the outside the bedroom cuddling, comments, hugging, appreciation, back massages, and intimate feelings. 

Also, don't be afraid to tell your husband your turn offs, like the constant boob grabbing, and the cigarette taste when you kiss. He doesn't know what your thinking, and he's not a mind reader. Just start out the conversation with words like, "honey, I really love you and I really appreciate you. But I need to tell you about.....". This turns the conversation into a non judgmental talk where he will feel less attacked personally.

As far as wanting more spontenaiety, he probably just doesn't know what you want. Why don't you start that adventure off? Invite him out for lunch, then surprise him in the car or at home with a BJ or some good lovin. Most men would go wild over this stuff. If you take the lead, he will eventually get the idea and come up with his own scenarios to try.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

madimoff

I'd be interested to see what people say because I have a similar situation but a bit back-to-front. That is, our sex life is great, but he's not big on the non-sexual affection. For him, he says it doesn't come naturally, and tbh whilst I completely get what he's saying, it does come across like well, it doesn't come naturally so trying is like too much hard work.

I do the praise and appreciate; however I've found for me that trying to instigate like with like hasn't worked. It just doesn't work for me to give him the idea I want that kind of affection by showing it myself. The one thing he does do is a back massage; I often ask if he'd like one first, or in return, but he doesn't because in his words, it just doesn't do anything for him.

And ah the boob grab... Yeah I draw the line at that. I tell him that that is NOT sexy... but if he did *this* or *this* then that is definitely sexy!

alphaomega, I get what you are saying too with the sex = feeling appreciated = more non-sexual affection. However what do you do when that isn't doing it? I'll be honest, it makes me feel very resentful at times.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The word we/she uses is "primed" - as in "priming the pump".

Currently, that includes a hot oil massage following a hot tub chat session.

I'm pretty certain the good conversation, combined with the massage puts an LD partner in a pretty good spot.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Tobio...
I used to be a major boob grabber. I used to come up behind her and hug her, but do the boob grab too. Probably pi$$Ed my wife off something fierce...don't know, she never told me she didn't like it, but sometimes she would go all stiff on me.

I'm not sure why I stopped. I actually find it more teasing when I come up behind her, give her a hug, but put both my hands on her stomach and kind of gently pull her towards me..you know...so her a$$ is pressed against me. It's like a tease, but now she sort of leans back and puts her head against my cheek. Feels nice, and I get more out of it than a boob grab. She obviously does too.... Although when the clothes are off, anything is game!

Ok..so this has nothing to do with this thread, but your comment made me think of one of those moments where I actually matured a bit.

Oh, also..when we are spooning in bed, she'll actually grab my hand and put it on her boob. Then we both fall asleep. Never understood this, but I'm definitely not complaining!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

AO- I guess by the law of averages there must be SOME women who like the boob grab- deffo not a fan myself. OH did it yesterday actually and I was very clear that no, I do not like that, it is not sexy, it bloody hurts!

What you mentioned you do now where you come up behind her, I like it when OH does that, I think of it as a teasing cuddle, it can end up as a really close hug, or can be more if you want it to. Much nicer!

madimoff, how's it been going?


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