# Is there still hope?



## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

I apologize ahead of time for this long thread but I wanted to give everyone a brief background of our situation and what is going on. My wife and I have been married for over 8 years and I thought we had what I considered a pretty good marriage...We didn't fight much, we're pretty well of, etc. About a month ago my wife told me that she didn't know if she wanted to continue being married or wanted to get a divorce. She said that a few months ago, that something in her brain changed and she started "finding herself" again. And in the process of doing that, she started backing away from the marriage. Essentially she said she was working so hard to try to please me and make me happy that she wasn't doing things to make herself happy. She also told me that she didn't think the spark was there anymore because she had certain aspirations about how married life would be and when she figured out that those ideals may not happen is when she wanted to live for herself. Above all, she didn't feel that the emotional/mental connection is there that she wanted and she doesn't know if I can provide that to her. I told her that I wanted to work through whatever was bugging her and was willing to try to change to make it work and told her that I had always been generally happy. She basically said that at that time, she was really mixed up in the head and wanted to talk to a counselor to try to work it out. 

Then last week we talked and she told me she was seriously contemplating divorce. Apparently the counselor she went to (not one specialized to do marriage therapy, just a general one) basically told her that I would never change since guys don't usually and that I could never give her what she desired mentally/emotionally to turn her on. Hearing what the counselor told me stung especially when she doesn't know me. 

I suggested that it might be good to talk to an actual marriage counselor that is familiar with working with couples and not just individuals to see if there's any hope. She's willing to go but admitted that she doesn't think it will do any good. 

Even with her talking about divorce, she said she isn't going to rush into anything...She said she's not looking to do anything tomorrow or even a month from now. We even have a week long vacation planned next month and she's wanting to go on that as long as I'm ok with keeping my expectations no higher than going together as good friends...Basically if things are better at that time, then great. She said right now she sees me as a really good friend (and not a lover right now) and I know she's torn up inside because she knows she's really hurting me and she worries if I'll ever be happy in the future if we get divorced since she knows how deeply I love her. I told her that if we do split, I hope we can remain good friends and she is wanting the same. We have even talked about how we would split things, who would get the house, etc and I'm pretty sure that we could do it in a very nice matter and not make anything messy. Part of her wanting to go slow is because I think she's trying to figure out if she's making a mistake by doing this and thus is hesitant to think anything final, at least yet. 

Does anyone think there's still hope for this relationship based on how things are especially with her loosing that so-called spark? I've been trying to show her love and affection through all of this but right now she admitted to me that it's hard for her to want to reciprocate it. Since I've never been to a counselor, I have no clue what to expect when we go to see the marriage counselor. When I set up the appointment and asked about her success rate, she said that her experience was that if couples came to her for 2-3 sessions and did the "homework" she assigned, most relationships got better quickly but she admitted that both people have to be willing to give it a try. I know I would feel better about the marriage counseling if I knew my wife could have an open mind going in. She's told me that she so badly wants to have an open mind but for whatever reason her brain is almost shut down on that idea.

If anyone has any other suggestions or has been in a similar situation (whether or not it ended up in divorce), I'd be open to hearing about them.

Thanks!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

david_h15 said:


> Apparently the counselor she went to (not one specialized to do marriage therapy, just a general one) basically told her that I would never change since guys don't usually and that I could never give her what she desired mentally/emotionally to turn her on.


Yes there is hope but first off this is a load of crap. Dump the counselor. He/she has already made a decision about you and has written you off. He/she has lumped you in with a negative and stereotypical view of men without even meeting with you. Get to a trained marriage counselor and meet individually and as a couple.

A couple of things. She has not put time frames on this and that is good. Stay away from setting benchmarks and timeframes. Marriages don’t recover on a schedule. What ever changes you think you need to make, make sure you can live with them forever. Commit to them but don’t lose your identity in making changes for her. I would stay away from conversations about dividing property and such. Keep things focused on the positives. 

Two questions. Are there children involved? Has she used the word controlling to describe you.

The “spark” can come back but will take a lot of effort and time. Strap in.


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## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

Later this afternoon, my wife and I are going to see an actual marriage counselor so we'll see how that goes. I worked to make sure I found a counselor to go to that specifically went to school for marriage counseling and has a license in that. 

No, there are no children involved and she has never made any mention of me being controlling. The one big thing she focuses on, which I don't think the counselor she went to helped at all with, is that the lady didn't think I can mentally/emotionally stimulate her the way she wants to be stimulated to get that spark back. That was the one item that the counselor really made a mention with that I would not be able to change and provide her with. 

I'm definitely willing to give it the time and effort needed to turn things around. It's one of these cases where we both kinda fell in a rut romance-wise and now she thinks that I can't love her the way she wants to be loved. The changes that she wants I'm all for and how we should have been living our entire lives (instead of having things kinda drop off after the first few years).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Love changes over time, it is natural

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


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## lorac8584 (May 8, 2009)

Oh David, I feel so badly for you... and for her. I'm a woman in a marriage that resonates with what you describe re your wife. The main difference, however, is that I think your wife at one time did feel the emotional connection with you... the sexual connection. I did not. I've stayed in my marriage, primarily due to the kids, and it's been about 22 years of unhappiness for me for the most part. I know, stupid but I felt selfish to end the marriage. Anyways, you're doing the right things, so it sounds. Give her space but like the other poster said, don't lose your identity. Communicate as much as you can... and offer kindness, understanding and tenderness. I wouldn't smother her but be gentle in your nudgings... show her love and kindness in the "friend" sort of way . . . at least for now. There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Probably a great book for you to get... learn her love language!! I wish you both the best and please post and keep us updated. I will keep you in my thoughts!!


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## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

Thanks for the encouragement and words of advice and the book recommendation! And yes, we did have a good emotional and sexual connection earlier in our marriage. 

After talking to the counselor today, my wife told me that this counselor was a lot different...The counselor provided a lot more insight, things to try, etc. She gave a couple of "homework" assignments such as reading a couple of relationship books and planning a special date. Towards the end, the counselor told us that she believed that we could probably work things out. She tried to get the point across to my wife that people are dynamic and can be taught different things and can change, assuming him/her is open to the change and it doesn't take away from who a person is. She also made the mention that I should continue to show her love and affection in small ways and not to be disappointed if she doesn't want to reciprocate at a particular moment (sounds like the agape love that is talked about in the link to another thread). And about the last thing she suggested was to just sleep separately for just 2 or 3 days so that my wife could have some personal space and alone time to think about things, especially with some of the stuff that the counselor brought up in the session. 

Although we didn't set another date yet to visit the counselor, I think it was a pretty good and somewhat enlightening session and definitely didn't make our situation any worse. It gave me things to think about as well as with my wife.


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