# Military spouses please chime in



## USA_Red (Oct 25, 2018)

Ill do my best to get as many of these details out as I can. If something is unclear please ask. Anyway, my wife and I have been married 7 years and together for 10. We have two small kids, 3 &5. She is active duty Navy, and Ive been out six years. So she got orders to a ship last winter and they deployed in april. This is her first ship, and I have zero experience with them, I was a dirt sailor. So the ship leaves and everything seems to be OK, I'm doing the Mr. Mom thing. We hit our 7 year anniversary in June, about three weeks after that things start to go south. The messages from her start to get shorter, then she starts saying shes unhappy, I drink too much, theres no connection, our sex life is dull, etc, etc. I try to figure out whats going on, but she doesn't really want to discuss it, she says she wants to be alone and doesn't even want to try working it out. So the deployment gets split up, they were coming back for a little while mid-summer. She gets home and doesn't have her ring on, extremely distant to me. We try and talk, I don't know how productive that was. About a week after they were back, I had saw some pictures on her computer of her and another guy, nothing serious but enough to send a red flag (close slefies). 

I'm enraged because friends were asking if I had thought there was somebody else, and I kept saying no. So I confront her, she says that hes just a friend but she has feelings for him. I get the "i love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. So I find out who he is, hes married with three kids. So I tell her that whatever is going on needs to stop and they need to be professional. So, the few weeks she was home, she was very cold towards me there was no affection, no sex, she was distant from the kids. Its like she was still stuck in "deployment mode". Mind you, this is the first time that we have been apart in six years, this is the first time that she has ever deployed with kids and on her first ship. We did a lot of talking and I felt things were actually starting to look good, we agreed that we would communicate better. I told her that I was at fault for that because I had to figure out how to be both parents, so I agreed that I would write letters daily (a suggestion from my counselor). After about two weeks after they leave again, it starts going back to the way it was, But I hang in there. They pull into a port and I don't really hear from her for two full days. She admitted that the first full day in port, her and her "friend" went out exploring. 

She says that he is just a friend and that he doesn't drink and she doesn't want to sit at a bar with everyone else but would rather go site seeing, I get that but the biggest issue was that she said she has feelings for him, that's what really eats me up. I express my concerns over it. Then a week or so later she asks me for a separation, I was kind of mentally prepared for this. So I tell her that if that's her choice, I wont fight it. A few days later she says she has cold feet and wants to think about it some more. At this point my anxiety is off the meter, I don't know what direction to go. I go back to writing her, sending her emails about what's going on at home, the kids. Then she starts to open up a little and discuss some of her feelings and concerns, good. She says that she's not going to be hanging out with her "friend", only if they are in a group with other people. That's great, that's all I asked for. About a week ago she called while I was at work and we talked for about an hour, she said that she feels disconnected from everyone (me, her mom, the kids, my mom, etc). She really doesn't want to talk to anyone, she's depressed there's no question about it. She finally agreed to go to counseling when they get home, but I'm going to give her a few weeks to adjust back into the home life. It breaks my heart to see pictures of her not wearing her ring, she still seems distant and cold to me. I don't want to give up, Ill fight as much as I need to and fix this marriage.

So let me give a little background on the issues she has with me. She says I drink to much, I have never argued that I told her I would quit completely if that made a difference. I stopped about two weeks before they came back and hardly drank while she was here. It didn't get me anywhere. She says I spend too much time in my shop, when the kids go to bed we would kind of go separate ways. I would go into the shop for an hour or two and she would go watch TV in our room. When she was here for the mid deployment, I stayed out of the shop and stayed with her to try and talk and watch TV. Once again, that didn't really get me anywhere. We went out on two dates, we had a good time. We slept in the same bed, there was cuddling, hand holding, kissing, she would say that she loved me (but I had to say it first). 

Like I said, this is the first time in years weve been apart and the first time as parents. Is this normal (despite the emotional connection she had). What can I do to be supportive? I feel like if I dig for her to open up, it pushes her further away. I really feel that we can work trough this, but its difficult while shes on the other side of the world. Do I just hang in there until they get back? I'm sure I had left some info out, so please feel free to ask questions. Thank you all.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude: you seen to have lost your way as a man. Doesn't the military teach you how to be one?

Take this to the bank: your wife has someone else and you are doing the weak pathetic pick me dance that never works because women do not respect weak men, it is a turn off to them.

Men that are strong, confident, and are not afraid would from the get go take the leadership in what they want and not put up with the wishy washy attitude from the wife. That's pathetic.

You should have immediately upon finding that she is not into you presented her with divorce papers, because like I said, dude she's banging another man (men), she have all the opportunities in the world to do it. If you were in the navy as you said you were, you should know this by now.

Don't wait for her to make the decisions, YOU make the decisions. Show her what's she losing. If she doesn't care, then, that's your answer.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I feel bad for you. You want to fix your 'marriage', but you don't have a marriage except in name only. She left some time ago. Let OM's wife know--she deserves this. Report the affair to the proper Naval authorities.


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## USA_Red (Oct 25, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> I feel bad for you. You want to fix your 'marriage', but you don't have a marriage except in name only. She left some time ago. Let OM's wife know--she deserves this. Report the affair to the proper Naval authorities.




She actually contacted me. I really believe that it has not gotten physical. I have my reasons for believing that. I truly believe that she’s just in a rough spot and is conflicted. Neither I or his wife have reason to suspect that it has become physical. It’s really difficult to deal with because of the lack of communication possibilities. I do have an appointment with a lawyer mainly for information on my rights. 


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## USA_Red (Oct 25, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: you seen to have lost your way as a man. Doesn't the military teach you how to be one?
> 
> Take this to the bank: your wife has someone else and you are doing the weak pathetic pick me dance that never works because women do not respect weak men, it is a turn off to them.
> 
> ...




I understand what you’re saying. I’ve tried to keep an even keel because I have to focus on myself and the kids and really try not to make this situation any worse than it is. I spent a lot of time in the dessert, and was able to compartmentalize my emotions to be able to effectively make decisions and switch between home and work life. It’s almost a burden at this point. 


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When an ongoing EA is accompanied by close physical proximity of cheating partners while they are removed from their spouses, the likelihood of this not progressing to a PA is extremely poor. Essentially they are living in the limerence of la-la land and feel deserving of their new relationship.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

USA_Red said:


> I understand what you’re saying. I’ve tried to keep an even keel because I have to focus on myself and the kids and really try not to make this situation any worse than it is.


You can STILL do that without rolling over and continually pandering to a woman who refuses to treat you with respect.

You've got some 'counselor' actually _encouraging_ you to roll over by suggesting you pander to your wife by writing to her every day. Seriously???? Fire that fool. You've been doing the Pick Me! Dance, begging her to love you and begging for her attention, for far too long. And all it's gotten you is degraded, humiliated, disrespected, and embarrassed. 

Find your pride, find your dignity, and find your spine. 

I'll just bet your wife is 'depressed' - but only because she knows her new boyfriend is married with kids and he's not able to offer her a damned thing more than the tawdry affair they're having on the ship. And to be honest, both you and his wife sound like every betrayed husband and wife before you, *refusing* to believe it's gone physical with these two. Do you have any idea how common it is to hear "I believe it hasn't gone physical for certain reasons...'" just like you said? You make that same silly claim - that for certain reasons, you just KNOW it didn't go physical. Lordy. It's unbelievably *common* how many betrayeds make this same exact statement because it's just another way to continue being able to bury your head in the sand and desperately hold onto the belief that she _just_ isn't capable of doing that.

Guess how many cheaters have sworn on the lives of their own children that they didn't cheat and their betrayed spouse believed them because WHO would swear on their own children's lives if they were lying?

Answer: pretty much ALL of them.

So whatever your 'special' reasons for believing she'd never let it go physical may be (like all those spouses who believed the same thing because their cheater swore on their children's lives), just know that she's VERY capable of going to that level - trust me.

And you WILL eventually find out that she's *more* than capable of sinking to that level. It's horrifically naive to believe that a woman whose suddenly telling you she no longer loves you, that your sex life is boring, that she no longer is sure she wants to be with you, can't even be a mother to her kids when she's home on leave and whose removed her wedding band is doing ALL of this simply because she has a harmless 'crush' on a buddy of hers.I know you desperately want to believe that the extent of their interaction is sharing a milkshake in the ship mess hall while they play records on the juke box, but it's time to get *real*, USA_Red.

You NEED to start compartmentalizing and haven't nearly done it enough. That means turning off the weak, needy, blubbering, desperate, begging husband routine (which is something most women find extremely unattractive) and start taking control of this **** show. Your biggest mistake is sitting at home cowering and waiting for HER to call the shots so you can jump up and dance as fast you can, hoping to 'win' her back by correcting whatever bull**** behavior she _claims_ is what caused this mess. 

SHE caused this mess. Not you. SHE did. How are you going to dance to _that_ one?

The time for crying and begging her to love you is done. Those days should be OVER.

Time to start manning up. And your first order of business is letting her know you'll no longer be her sock puppet and SHE'S no longer calling the shots. *You* are. And from this day forward, you're going to be making decisions for your future based on* YOUR *best interests, not hers. You've been Mr. Nice Guy for far too long and how was that workin' for ya? It wasn't, but it sure gave her the opportunity to **** all over you over and over and over and over and over and over and over....

Your next step should be making an appt. with your lawyer to find out exactly what a divorce would look like and what your rights are, etc.

*Never* underestimate the power of knowledge. Call your lawyer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

USA_Red said:


> She actually contacted me. I really believe that it has not gotten physical. I have my reasons for believing that. I truly believe that she’s just in a rough spot and is conflicted. Neither I or his wife have reason to suspect that it has become physical. It’s really difficult to deal with because of the lack of communication possibilities. I do have an appointment with a lawyer mainly for information on my rights.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You are in very strong if not even pathological denial. 

She is not "confused" and she is not in a rough spot. She is having the time of her life with the OM and it is a conscious choice on her part. She is doing what she wants to do. 

And if this is so deep that the OM's BW is contacting you, that means this is the real deal and they are in deep and you are in almost complete denial. 

Make not mistake - *THEY. ARE. HAVING. SEX.*

You are simply being chumped and played the fool and she is denying it at the moment because you are falling for it so completely, she is able to have her cake and eat it too at the moment. 

But don't worry, reality will smack you in the face and smack you hard pretty soon. 

Hopefully you will wise up and take action to protect yourself before she empties out all the bank accounts and gets herself a sweet custodial arrangement and takes everything while you sit with your head in the sand.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Red, it looks like you are so used to taking commands from your CO, that you now take them from your wife. Anyhow, she's having an affair. The others are right:See a lawyer.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Dude are you serious you think it hasn’t been physical what’s wrong with you.! Ask yourself this what would you do would you hang out with woman and not tried to sleep with her.? come on dude.! He’s married also with kids do you think he’s going risk all that to hang out with your wife. Buddy you can’t be that clueless or naïve.?! Well you’ll soon find out I can’t even believe there are actually men like this... also you being as weak you are it is such a huge turn off.!!! You better wake up. I think sounded like she wanted to come back that time but of course the way come off so completely weak.! it’s just that huge turn off.! She ran back to Him.! She has no respect for you. You can’t blame her and you’re doing the pick me dance is the worst thing you can do. Oh well you have got a learn some time maybe you learn how be a man.! for your next marriage or girlfriend. OP sorry buddy


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