# Please Help



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Hi all. I am in desperate need of advice. This will be a long post. 

Back in 2015, my husband and I went through marital problems. I posted on here about it. Long story short, he told me he was unhappy, went into a deep depression, and had an emotional affair with a coworker. After failed attempts at counseling, him not ending the relationship, and his depression getting worse, I asked him for a separation. We lived apart for three months and then our son became ill. 

That fall, our son was diagnosed with cancer. My husband moved back in to help. The only positive thing to come out of his illness was that it put things in perspective for us and brought my husband and I closer. 

That spring, my husband lost his job. He received a great job offer out of state, so we relocated. It was a mutual decision. We wanted to put all the bad memories behind us. Things were amazing for a while. Two months after we moved, though, our son's cancer came back. The first time was devastating, the second time destroyed me. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. I found myself on the brink of losing it, so I began counseling soon after his relapse. 

Our son went through six months of treatment. My husband dove into his work. I was alone most of the time. For those of you who've had to care for a sick child, you know how exhausting it is. I still wanted to make time for our marriage, so I scheduled date nights twice a month for us. Those nights out were wonderful, but they weren't enough for him. He wanted to go to happy hours with coworkers, invite friends over for BBQs, have a weekend away, and explore the city. When you have kids, things like that are tough to do. When you have an extremely ill child, it's damn near impossible. 

Our son finished treatment six weeks ago. I was looking forward to all of us coming out of the dark. About three weeks ago, I finally felt like myself again. We were all so relieved and happy that life would be "normal" again. 

Two weeks ago, my husband came back from a two week long business trip. He looked terrible. He lost over 10 lbs and looked like he hasn't slept in days. Two days later, we were out on our date night when he says to me he's unhappy again and doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore. I asked if there was anyone else, but he said no. Days passed and his depression got worse. He lost more weight. He cancelled the doctor's appointments I scheduled for him. (He's been on antidepressants for two years. His therapist wants his meds to be reassessed, but hubby refuses.) One day he brought me home flowers and the next day he said he can't take this life anymore - the responsibility is too much for him and he hates that he can't live life the way he wants. "My decisions are never my own. I always have to think about you and the kids."

Tonight, I was suspicious. I found a picture he hid on our computer. It's a selfie of a female coworker. Nothing inappropriate. She was being funny. The fact that he kept it and hid it was an issue for me. I confronted him. He said he saved it because it was funny and hid it because he knew I would get mad. Then he let me have it. He blamed everything on me. He said I didn't pay enough attention to him after the kids came along and it got worse after our son got sick. He complained that I never had friends over our new house. (We couldn't because our son's immune system was compromised.) He complained that I wasn't intimate enough with him during our son's treatment. And then he said he loved me, but he wasn't in love with me. Said he feels absolutely nothing when he looks at me. 

So now I don't know what to do. I've put up with so much with this man. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm 1400 miles away from my family. Our lease is up for renewal this week. If we renew it, we can't afford for him for move out, so I'm forced to live with someone who doesn't love me. If we separate, our children (who are just starting to feel "normal" after the cancer nightmare) will be immediately thrown into another life changing situation. 

I'm lost. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm numb. 

Any advice at all will help. ❤


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

He sounds very immature. Does he even understand the concept of life with a severely I'll child? Look if he is so unhappy, let him go find his happiness. You take care of you and kids. Be happy without him. It takes too much trying to keep someone happy, who does not want to be tied down.

Good luck with the kids and many blessings on you guys.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When it rains, it pours.

When you take a shower tonight look yourself over.

Is there a spot on your body that has not been bruised? No, I don't not think so. Ouch, thrice tripled.

And your mind has taken many hits too?
...............................................................................................................................................
There is a storm raging in your life and in your marriage. Your son is not safe either.
There is a "fair" chance that some of these woes will subside. 

Your husband is a casualty in the storm. A rotten tree landed on him and flattened the remaining goodness out of him. The last bit of good "toothpaste" has been squeezed out of his tube.

The low pressure has caused his ears to pop, letting in bad thoughts, suicidal thoughts. He is starving himself. He cannot take any more pressure. He is weaker than you. He got bowled over by the wind.....knocked him flat on his back. He is looking to escape.

LET HIM GO. Do not hate your husband, but do not carry his water, either. The storm washed away what little resolve and warmth that he had.
He failed you, your marriage and your son. He is weak and and yes, he is selfish. The World revolves around him. 

Could he have another women on the side? Maybe, but no women is going to want this shipwreck....for long.

Concentrate on your son. You have been doing this anyway. 
..............................................................................................................................................

Your son [another male] has been pummeled by this storm.
The low pressure front that energized this cycle of Bad luck will eventually runs it's course.

Your husband is a casualty beyond repair.
You are still standing, dripping wet from unending tears.
Your son? God, please save him.

I cannot promise that things will get better. [near term] I can promise that they will change.

Change for the better, how to:

Tell your husband to leave. He is an additional distraction and adding pressure that is becoming "unnerving" for you. 
Tell your husband to keep funding the marriage.

Look to family and friends for support.
Look to an attorney to start the divorce process.

The worst thing you can do is resist "Change". It has arrived.
The best thing you can do is realize that change has arrived, and that you must [to the best of your ability] "steer" yourself into a better position.

Steer to an "Alee" position....out of the wind.

Make detailed plans...and carry them through.

Things WILL get better....they cannot get *worse....God Willing...


*The storm outlasts your little family.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is not your responsibility to keep your WH happy, he sounds very selfish and self centred. A married man must take care of his wife and children, duh!

How old is your H? I think there may be more to this than meets the eye.

Red flags
1. The history - his EA which was rug swept
2. His hiding photos of female colleagues and his excuse is BS
3. The ILUBNILWU speech; huge red flag
4. The desire to not be responsible for his family 

Of course you are wounded, this man has treated you badly before and you never really healed.
I would suggest you let him do whatever he wants to start looking at your own needs and protect yourself and the kids. You cannot nice him into the marriage, so give him what he wants. 
Get some IC for yourself
Tell your family and friends what he is doing
I would suggest some snooping, men usually don't up and leave unless they have someone in the sidelines
talk to a lawyer to see your rights
consider planning to go back to your family. There is little point in staying with a man who doesnt want you or his kids. 
Do the 180, don't bend backwards for him, show him that you have had enough of his BS and are prepared to move on without him.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

OrangeCrayon said:


> He complained that I wasn't intimate enough with him during our son's treatment.


I agree how dare you didn't allow him to get his rocks off while your sick son was getting his treatment 

I mean why didn't you immediately slip into something sexy immediately after coming home from chemo?

I find it extremely selfish you only had room to worry about potential death but not mentally planning sexy time.

If the above seems a bit ridiculous it's because it is.

Get a divorce. Your husband is a d*ck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H doesn't deserve you or for that matter, any self-respecting woman in his life!

You need to lose him for the bad habit that he invariably is! And don't think twice about taking him back ~ it will never get better, as you've been relegated by him to a permanent "Plan B" status!

IMHO, your H needs the presence of our Heavenly Father to take him on a most meaningful journey "out to the woodshed!"*


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## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Thank you all for your words. You gave me the strength I couldn't find. This has been a nightmare. I'm still trying to recover from the trauma of my son's cancer, so I barely have anything left in me. For those who asked, H is 41. 

I was so broken last night when he said to me "I'm not in love with you anymore." and "I feel nothing when I look at you." 

This morning, he actually waited for me to hug him and say goodbye before he left for work. I looked at him like he was crazy. He called me earlier and left a message - said he's sorry for everything and he really misses me. Wtf?!

After reading your posts and speaking to a friend today, I know I'm ready to move on. I can't live like this anymore. 

And thank you to BobSimmons for understanding the intimacy issue. My son is 6. I had to watch him suffer through surgeries, chemo, vomiting, weight/hair loss, neuropathy, bleeding, mouth sores, extended hospital stays ... you get the idea. The last thing I had on my mind was sex. The fact that H can't see that, makes me so angry. 

I know I can make it through this. I worry so much about my kids. I don't know how much more they can take.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@jld


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Hi @OrangeCrayon,

First of all a big (((hug))) to you for all you are going through. I'm so glad that your son is done with treatment and I'm praying that he is now cancer free and stays that way. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

I have 3 sons that are chronically ill with an immune condition since birth... so I know how draining having a sick child is... especially when your partner doesn't contribute much in the effort. You are in a permanent state of exhaustion and heartache that never really goes away. The worry you feel as a mom is overwhelming. When they are immune compromised you have to be extra vigilant and it can be very isolating, I know.

I also understand how cancer changes everything. Mr HB has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for 2 1/2 years now. We've done surgeries, chemo, even a clinical trial. His disease recurred this past fall and he is now inoperable and undergoing chemo once again. 

The fear that comes with cancer... there's just nothing else like it. Even during the year he was doing well I was waiting for it to come back. You just can't help it. Add to that watching someone you love suffer from the disease and sometimes even more from the treatment? It's just hell on earth. And I can only imagine if it were one of my boys it would be 10 million times worse.

One thing I've learned is that not everyone handles that kind of challenge well. And some people handle it so badly that they become someone you never would have married had you known they had this in them.

Mr HB chose to have an online affair to escape from his reality last year. It lasted six months until I caught him sexting her. At the time he was stable health wise... we tried to reconcile, but he really just wanted me to get over it... he wasn't remorseful.

I really believe we were headed toward separation and divorce, but then the cancer came back full force and now I feel like I can't leave. What's the point anyway when his time is limited anyway.

If he wasn't sick? We'd be done for sure. And if I were in your shoes I would end things. If he cannot be there for his precious son as he goes through the hell of cancer and chemo, and can't support his wife through it, then he is worthless as a father or a husband. If you think your children don't notice his emotional absence you are wrong. My kids see it... they have lost a lot of respect for their dad. 

When you hit 30 posts you should also check out the Caregivers Thread here in the private section... there are several of us caring for loved ones... a great support.

In the meantime, feel free to PM me if you need a friend to talk to.




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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> @jld


Hi, OC. First, ((((((((((OC)))))))))))

And again, because you both need it and deserve it: 

((((((((((OC))))))))))


 I am so sorry. My oldest son has had cancer twice. I understand only too well the pain, terror, and absolute exhaustion you have experienced. 

I completely agree with the others who have said to let him go. You do not need dead weight on you. Your energy needs to be spent on the kids and yourself, to be able to nurture them.

I would not renew the lease or do anything that further compromises your financial independence.

If your "husband" wants to seek counseling and prove to you that he is worth more than a file for divorce, it is all on him.

Please tell his parents and yours what he has done. You need and deserve their support.

Much love to you and your beautiful, precious children,

jld


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> @jld


 @Duguesclin


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OrangeCrayon said:


> Thank you all for your words. You gave me the strength I couldn't find. This has been a nightmare. I'm still trying to recover from the trauma of my son's cancer, so I barely have anything left in me. For those who asked, H is 41.
> 
> I was so broken last night when he said to me "I'm not in love with you anymore." and "I feel nothing when I look at you."
> 
> ...


It's awful what your husband has done to you, it is possible that he is having a breakdown of sorts. People react to severe stress differently. At this point separation is probably a good idea. You can not help your husband if he won't help himself. You should not allow him to abuse you. This is a terrible tragedy and unfortunately your husband has never shown the character to be able to deal with this in a healthy way. Not all people do.

I am very sorry.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry to hear of your son. I hope he is cancer free from now on!!! 

Your H appears very selfish. 



> the responsibility is too much for him and he hates that he can't live life the way he wants. "My decisions are never my own. I always have to think about you and the kids."


Tell your H, "Welcome to life." Every mother and father think about there kids and decisions are based on that. 

Further, do not take the blame for all that has happened. Life throws curve balls. You either adjust and swing for the fence or you collect your bat and glove and go home. We see you adjust and round the bases. Your H likes to fold up like a pop-tent.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like he's having a mid life crisis. He's looking back at his life, not happy with it, and wondering if this is going to be his life for the next 40+ years. 

You two should be spending 15hrs minimal a week alone together. Two date nights a month? Seems to me you two are disconnected, just going through each day trying to get to the next day. 

How often are you two intimate? Is this a sexless marriage?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> It's awful what your husband has done to you, it is possible that he is having a breakdown of sorts. People react to severe stress differently. At this point separation is probably a good idea. You can not help your husband if he won't help himself. You should not allow him to abuse you. This is a terrible tragedy and unfortunately your husband has never shown the character to be able to deal with this in a healthy way. Not all people do.
> 
> I am very sorry.


If his desire to leave had not started before the cancer, I might believe that. 

But having a child with cancer tends to exacerbate pre-existing problems. 

That's what the psychologist at the hospital said, anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did that lady go on the business trip? It seems odd that it was after the 2 weeks away he looked so bad, I suspect it was guilt. The speech, 'I love you but I am not in love with you', nearly always means he has got someone else. Sorry.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

The problem is that the problem in your marriage never went away. Your child's sickness just put you two together to fight a common foe. Obviously your husband feels that he cannot live his life as he wants to due to the demands of his sick child and you. The guy is not good husband material or much of a man. You two have so many problems that would have ended in divorce if not for your child's illness.

My niece was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer last year and you would never know if by visiting them. They love each other and are mature enough to accept that life does not always go the way you want it to. Your husband feels stuck in a life he never planned on and cannot handle it. He does not love you enough to accept the life that he has been given and seems to blame his problems on your child. Seems that he sees your son as ruining his life and that is not something a father should ever feel. The only thing you two seem to have is sharing your child's illness and your husband wants to bail on that too. I feel for you and wish you the best but a divorce at this point would only add to the problem, but then again, your husband may be suicidal, so you have to worry about that. Talk about a rock and a hard place.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

OrangeCrayon said:


> One day he brought me home flowers and the next day he said he can't take this life anymore - the responsibility is too much for him and he hates that he can't live life the way he wants. "My decisions are never my own. I always have to think about you and the kids."


Wow, I find this really telling. Having to think about a family instead of just myself is one of the reasons I wanted to get married. I didn't want it to be about just me all the time. Why does a guy who says things like this get married?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Orange Crayon
I cannot imagine going through the levels of hell that you have already visited, then compound all of it with a mate that has laid all of his crap on you. First, your husband appears to be wildly immature. Now, given that statement, his behavior in all of this shows that he is in "flight" mode; he wants to not have the responsibilities of a parent of a sick child.


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## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like he's having a mid life crisis. He's looking back at his life, not happy with it, and wondering if this is going to be his life for the next 40+ years.
> 
> You two should be spending 15hrs minimal a week alone together. Two date nights a month? Seems to me you two are disconnected, just going through each day trying to get to the next day.
> 
> How often are you two intimate? Is this a sexless marriage?



I appreciate your advice. You're absolutely right - we were just trying to get through each day. When you have a sick child, sometimes that's all you can do. 

Yes - only 2 date nights a month. That's all we can afford. We have no family in the state and sitters cost $15-$20 an hour. Money is tight. Last year, we paid over $17,000 in medical bills. Keep in mind, I also had to schedule around days where I felt comfortable leaving my sick son with a sitter. 

I tried to talk my husband into having extra date nights at home - romantic dinners, movies, snuggling, etc. But he threw himself into work - leaving at 8am and coming home after 8pm. I would ask him to come home earlier so we could connect, but there was always an excuse. By the time he got home, I was exhausted from caring for my son. 

It wasn't a sexless marriage. We were intimate 2-3 times a month after our son got sick. He travels 1-2 weeks a month for work and I was mentally and physically exhausted, so 2-3 times was a lot for us.


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## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Did that lady go on the business trip? It seems odd that it was after the 2 weeks away he looked so bad, I suspect it was guilt. The speech, 'I love you but I am not in love with you', nearly always means he has got someone else. Sorry.


She did. She wasn't there the whole time, just two days I believe. Two days after he got back, he drove her to work in the morning. He said she missed the train and needed a ride in. I said, "Well, she drove to the train station. Why can't she just drive to work?" He replied, "She doesn't like driving in the city." Bullsh*t. He also chats with her over text and on Instagram. 

His demeanor after the trip, the chatting, the train ride, and the picture tell me she has a lot to do with this. 

I know our problems never fully went away. We never really had time to heal from his 1st EA. But the fact that he possibly found yet another woman while our son was sick makes me more angry than you can imagine.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> If his desire to leave had not started before the cancer, I might believe that.
> 
> But having a child with cancer tends to exacerbate pre-existing problems.
> 
> That's what the psychologist at the hospital said, anyway.


You're right the sentence would express better my sentiment if I had written. 

"unfortunately your husband has never shown the character needed in your marriage."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You're right the sentence would express better my sentiment if I had written.
> 
> "unfortunately your husband has never shown the character needed in your marriage."


The problems started in 2015, and the marriage existed long before that, so I do not know that it would be accurate to say that.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OrangeCrayon said:


> She did. She wasn't there the whole time, just two days I believe. Two days after he got back, he drove her to work in the morning. He said she missed the train and needed a ride in. I said, "Well, she drove to the train station. Why can't she just drive to work?" He replied, "She doesn't like driving in the city." Bullsh*t. He also chats with her over text and on Instagram.
> 
> His demeanor after the trip, the chatting, the train ride, and the picture tell me she has a lot to do with this.
> 
> I know our problems never fully went away. We never really had time to heal from his 1st EA. But the fact that he possibly found yet another woman while our son was sick makes me more angry than you can imagine.


I am so sorry for your situation.

I am JLD's husband.

When our son was first diagnosed with cancer, I too was very busy with work. I had to travel as well. But when I was home it was all about my kids and my wife.

Under stress, you quickly see what are someone's priorities. Your husband's are clearly not his family. Yours are. 

Stay focused and forget about him. At this time he should not be part of your plan unless he shows behavior that indicates his head is in the game.

Splitting will be hard on your kids, but it will be far better that they see a mother who knows what the real priorities in life are than a mother that tries to keep a failing marriage together.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Take a deep, deep breath and try hard to look at your situation from the outside.

I am an outsider and I can honestly say that I question the humanity of a man who thinks and says the hurtful things your WH has said to you while you are facing the heartbreak and stress of your little boy's illness.

You two don't share the same values. Let him go. I would bet that he is in an affair in any event (the signs are there).

Your WH is one of those people who simply can't do 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others.' He is too self-involved.

Will you be able to say to him, 'I have taken on board what you have said and I think it best that we split'? He is a bad husband and a terrible father. You and your children don't need him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Wow, I find this really telling. Having to think about a family instead of just myself is one of the reasons I wanted to get married. I didn't want it to be about just me all the time. Why does a guy who says things like this get married?


A guy says this when:

1. he is a selfish A**Hole
2. He wants to have fun and have his needs met
3. Doesn't want the responsibility of a family, and a sick child (blaming her is his way of handling it)
4 he is dabbling in someone else, all the red flags are there.

She needs to leave him.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

If you prefer a gentler way to look at how he is now, you may find similar stories in a support group for parents. Sometimes people shut down. Close off. The thought of possibly losing a child is too much, they shut it out and everyone attached.
Which doesn't change anything. And see posts above....move on with all of it as a truly new start. 
He hadn't been around enough for your children to really miss him. As a divorced dad, he will likely get dedicated one on one time with them. Way more than he is giving now? So you'd be doing your kids and him a favour by going the route of divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a selfish, selfish man. Let him go, and see what you can do about moving back to your family.


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