# Help



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I have posted on here about 3 weeks ago..I found out my wife of 40 years was having a sexual affair with a man at work..We have been trying to work things out but I have so many unanswered questions...First how do you get the visions out of your head of the sex..How do you get over the feeling that you may only be plan B because the affair got caught..How do you trust someone when they say they love you..We have gone to counseling and will continue to go but I just dont understand how after 40 years someone can do this...Do you really get over it or do you just deceive yourself for the rest of your life...I know alot of people go thru this but I have not seen anyone on the board with 40 years...On top of everything are life during the affair was as good as it has ever been..We were both happy and a age 60 the sex was better than it ever was..What kind of person could deceive someone like that....Anyhow thanks for letting me ramble sometimes its just good to mput your feelings into words.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there again cantclearhead, 
I hear you, I have 26 years invested and what you speak of is the hardest for me as well. I hurt the most when I think of how after all these years I didn't get the respect I thought should have come my way after all the years together, I'm beginning to think that maybe that was just my expectation and my moral thinking to expect that. 
My husband obviously doesn't have the same mind set as me when it comes to crossing the line of respecting our relationship.
What I do know and something you need to understand is that what they did was not in any way our fault. They made the decisions that they did from a selfish place, They were very broken and confused at the time.....
I don't think we will ever forget and life now will never be the same as it was before.....
I think we had a image in our head as to what our lives were and how our relationship with our partner was and the feeling that they had our back after all the years together....
I think the questions will happen for a long time and I suspect that as time passes and our spouses show us they are sorry and remorseful it will all get easier....
We can't expect the same can we, not after this.
I think for the BS we have just bits and pieces of the whole story which leads to a lot of questions. 
Our WS have all the details and they make their decisions with all the facts....
I say just accept the fact that they were broken and that we are not responsible in any way for their decisions.
Just start over and make new memories for the two of you...
40 years, you love her and want to believe in her, I'm the same way......
I can't imagine my life without him and I bet you can't either without her....
My therapist says to keep busy and work on yourself so you feel good about you, do what you know is right in the relationship that's all we can do, the rest is up to her.......
If there were things wrong in the relationship, fix those and just move forward.
Anything good is worth working on, you are worth it.
Vent here when you need to. Make sure she knows you think she is worth your effort to forgive and move past all this...
but it won't happen overnite.....


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I agree with you but dont yet know how to do it....How do you know that they really want to fixed it and not just deceiving again because the affair fell apart..How long does it take to get over it and I guess the big question is will I live that long....What do you look for


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Hello, we've got a bit of an age gap (I'm 31 yrs old and married for 10), but our situations sound fairly similar. My two biggest issues after discovering the affair (hers was a long-distance EA) were (1) Why the disrespect after all our years of being true to each other and (2) am I just a plan B at this point? 

As for the first issue, people who cheat are making a bad decision, plain and simple. They aren't thinking of the spouse when they do this, something has presented itself at a time of need and if it's tantalizing enough sometimes dumb mistakes are made. In my case I was suffering from depression myself (and she has for quite some time), and I had distanced myself a little from her over a few months. She ran across an ex-boyfriend online, he made a move and the rest is history. It helps that my wife acknowledges the mistake, but only time heals the wound I think.

As for the 'Plan B' issue, I think that's really just born from the insecurity of the person being cheated on. Again in my case, my wife explained it was a situation of circumstances gone bad and that, although she did imagine a life with him, she knew I was better for her. Again I think this only goes away with time as you regain confidence in yourself, but take solace in the fact that she's with YOU by choice and that she didn't give up what she's built with you to pursue this other fiasco.

In short - time heals. The best I can offer is treat her good, get to the source of the issue to figure out the best you can why she strayed to begin with (although it will likely be cloudy even to her), and make sure you keep her aware of what YOU are feeling also because she's likely fearing losing you at this point as well. Best of luck to you.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Hi Jess its me again And I am truly sorry for what you are going thru also....Its only been 3 weeks for me but how do you know that the last 40 years meant anything to them....I know I need lots of theraphy which I certainly did not want at this stage of my life and I am getting it ...I hate the talking part because I get p...ed a say things that I shouldnt say but I dont know how to handle it.............


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Wait a second, first Im sorry you are going through this... my husband cheated and refuses to make ammends, but wont divorce and I wont divorce (yet) either. I am now having the affair and know others who are now as well. I have to say that not all those who have affairs are broken, they just dont see the roles and boundaries the same as those who dont have affairs. SOme are broken hearted from some long standing issue in the marriage, some want revenge but some are just looking to satisfy a curiosity... and the longer you are together, in some ways the easier as your marriage is solid and believed to be unbreakable. Think of teenagers who try to get things out of their systems, or not get caught etc...

Im doing alot of research on affairs bc I was cheated on and now cheating. In my first marriage, I never would have done it, but I also beleived if a marriage broke bc of an affair, it wasnt the affair that broke it... something else was going on. I learned that when I was a mere 25 yrs old and my ex husbands friend stayed with him bc wife kicked him out... he had a one time sex act and got bribed for money. When wife was told by OW, wife kicked him out... I said to my ex that something else was going on, and he found out that they had other problems too.

Anyway, there are so many reasons for affairs, and it doesnt always happen to a broken person... and for those who are broken... look to see who broke them and its usually the spouse. Just think about this please... I know I will be judged here for my actions (already have been), but I am trying to give the other perspective. Sometimes, the person who didnt cheat has some ammends to make as well... or is it ok to emotionally neglect or riddicule your spouse for years on end?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

cantclearhead, 
I think you are trying to make some big decisions to quickly, let yourself process all the information about your wife's affair and the state of your marriage and also mourn for your marriage not being the same, it's okay, I did that......
It hurts me in will never be the same in my mind again.
I can't change the history now or the facts of my situation and nor can you, we can wish it wasn't so all we want....
We are all grown up now and have to accept that people aren't perfect, we had a lot of good years with our spouses and still can have a lot more of them if we chose to.
I take a lot of strength in the fact that my husband is still here and wants to work on the marriage.
It isn't easy and lots of time we feel like all the work is just to much......sometimes I think it's easier to just walk away and to start new, then I think about never talking to him or holding him again and all the problems that need to be solved don't seem so important any more......I guess I'm saying I don't like what happened but I also know we are all human and we can't expect to go through life in a perfect way without any cuts here and there.....If most of my life is good except for the year this affair my husband had is going to take from me then I'm grateful....
do you want to throw all the good away when you can work and fix the problem, when something breaks down at the house you fix it.......just because it's still worth having......
I know it hurts but you are early in the process and are looking for a quick fix, time is the only thing that heals something like this.......
Just come here and vent and work on only positives with your wife, make it so she never even wants to look at another man. 40 years tells me there is something good about you or she would not have stayed all those years.......You need to remember that yourself!!!!


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