# Help…



## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

I found out 2 months ago about my wife’s affair.
My wife and I have been married for just two years. We have a 21 month old together and we spent the first year and a half of our marriage fighting for our lives. I didn’t realize that she had extreme postpartum depression until I was in way over my head. 

She became suicidal and wouldn’t be convinced to let me take her to the doctor to get help. Eventually, it got so bad that she had no choice but to get help.

In December of 2020, she started medication and therapy and kicked some serious tail. I’m still so proud of her and the progress she’s made. Two months ago I found out she was on a dating app. I confronted her by telling her that I know and I just want her to explain and help me understand what has happened.

She came clean to an extent. (Lied about some details)but told me about a completely different secret. She had been sleeping with an ex BF who lives in our neighborhood on nights where I worked late. ( I was a full time musician that did well for myself before she had out son. She wasn’t able to work due to the depression so I got 3 jobs and gigs on the weekend to take care of us. 

Least I could do but I had to stop playing as much) the affair went on for months. Or a year, she couldn’t even give me a timeline. I found out later she started talking to him in at least May of 2020 out of spite through digging on my own. For her to offer such little information on something I’d think you could at least be able to ball park left me without clear understanding of what transpired. 

She’s trying hard to make it work but there is no trust now and the horror over the past year (which is not her fault) left me super messed up. During depression, she’d just scream and swing at me and say to me things no person has ever dared say. I lost my wife. I’ve had a problem from the start trusting her because I never knew what was going to happen. I walked on pins and needles for so long that survival mode was home. I’ve been in therapy and gained back my confidence and my ability to stand up for myself right in time to find this out. 

My first reaction is to make it work. I love her and I know she loves me. But she still has a problem being honest. And when I ask her things to challenge my distrust and suspicion, she gets defensive and immediately is no help to me. I tell her that I need her help, she apologizes and the whole thing repeats. How do I get her to understand that I need the painful truth. The Truth that’s hard to admit and hard to hear. There are little things that she will give me as an answer that just don’t add up and then gets mad if I question her answer.

It’s like she’s trying to pretend like nothing happened or it’s in the past and shouldn’t matter anymore. She has searched for lesbian bars and clubs (she’s bi) which is fine but when I asked her about it she said she was googling it for a friend so her and her bf could have a threesome…….come on…..they have google. There’s tinder, a ton of dating apps specifically designed for that. Why would they need your help?! I questioned it and she gets mad.

I don’t know what to do. I love her but this is toxic for us both. Part of me just wants to be a good dad and part ways due to mountain that I would be climbing to sort through all of this. Especially if she isn’t willing to do more than say she will help. I want her to be honest with herself so maybe I can finally understand what’s going on but I still feel like I’m on the outside while she’s begging me to stay and make this work. S.O.S


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Eject! Eject!Eject!

You are a paycheck. I would most definately DNA the baby for your own piece of mind.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First thing you do is dna the baby. Then see a lawyer and divorce the lying cheating **** that you were unfortunate enough to marry. 
You are only a paycheque to her and I don’t take any pleasure in telling you this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

The word that stands out is "toxic".

So you bust your a$$ taking on three jobs to provide for your family and she pulls this BS.

You can't fix this and she's broken in so many ways that even if she was on board to get help it would take years to fix her.

In the meantime you have a young son who needs a safe and dependable parent. My first step would be to go see an attorney to see what a divorce would like for you (legally + financially).

If your wife can't at least be honest with you there's NO trust and without trust there's no foundation of a relationship and thus this marriage of yours is doomed (if it's not already).


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your wife has mental issues. It sounds like borderline personality disorder, but I'm not a mental health professional. What you have now is a preview to the rest of your life with her, if you decide to try to make it work. And, what is it that you "love" about a woman who treats you the way she does? A lot of people confuse love with habit. Give it some thought.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Your wife is giving you absolutely nothing to work with. She's dishonest, unrepentant, and lacks basic empathy. It's time to file for divorce. Maybe this will wake her up. But honestly, as others have alluded to, it's difficult to imagine that she'll ever be able to overcome her underlying mental health issues. 

Just to confirm, you've never had some kind of "open relationship" arrangement in the past, right? Have you ever cheated yourself?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DNA the kid and file for divorce.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Your wife is giving you absolutely nothing to work with. She's dishonest, unrepentant, and lacks basic empathy. It's time to file for divorce. Maybe this will wake her up. But honestly, as others have alluded to, it's difficult to imagine that she'll ever be able to overcome her underlying mental health issues.
> 
> Just to confirm, you've never had some kind of "open relationship" arrangement in the past, right? Have you ever cheated yourself?


 We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tommywain said:


> How do I get her to understand that I need the painful truth.


How do we make you understand the painful truth: The truth that tells you that you have been nothing but a weak man that has been taking second burner to a woman that you've only been married to for a couple of years and the result is that she's been shagging another dude, at the time where you two should be in honeymoon phase. Dude, you need to DNA that kid like yesterday. You really don't know if the kid is yours for certain. I don't know your age but you come across as one of today's men under 40 that really have not learn/were not taught to have self respect and dignity, and confused with being a man in today's world. It doesn't really matter what societal pressures as a man you've been taught but reacting like a weak man trying everything to keep the relationship going and trying to get her to tell you the true is not a sign of a strong leading man. It shouldn't matter the who, why, when, where, it should only matter to you that she did. That's more than sufficient reason for a man that has character, self respect, and dignity to end the marriage.

You can and always be a co-parent (if that child is yours). Better for the child to have two happy homes than a miserable one because, I can't for the life of me understand why are you keeping yourself in this mess of a marriage and with this broken unfaithful woman. Are you so low in self worth that you think she's the best that you can do? 



Tommywain said:


> My first reaction is to make it work.* I love her and I know she loves me*


Dude, what love has to do with anything in your situation? love is an emotion, just one part of the whole equation of marriage. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that is alright for you to bend over and take it like a wuss. Moreover, you say she loves you, Noooo, she doesn't. She might love you, have some feelings for you, but she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't ever think of being with another man. This is what you need to understand. Do not excuse her behavior to mental illness, plenty of people suffer from mental illness and don't go on ****ing other people as an excuse, yet here you are with trying to make work. Don't you understand that as time pass by, she'll just get worse? think of this. Do you want the life of an accommodating beta male that would do whatever it takes to be at the whim of a woman that do not has your best interest at hand? 

YOUR LIFE, your decision to live it as you choose. One with dignity and self respect, the other a miserable life where there's not respect, not trust, a constant struggle to make it work, not knowing if that child is yours for real. CHOOSE. My advice to you: file for divorce already. You'll be thankful you did some day. Do you have the courage, the balls, the dignity to do it?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Tommywain said:


> We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.


Her insecurities were based on what she was doing behind your back. It sucks that you're going through this. I know some of the advice seems harsh but when you're in deep it's hard to see things clear. She's using you. This won't get any better. Eventually her poor decision making will drag you down even further.

As far as your son, I'm sure you love him but you need to get the dna test ASAP, there is a legal time limit and at the very least you need to know the truth. 

Best of luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are a chump because you are allowing it. Cheaters always lie a lot. The rest is excuses on your part to try and justify accepting the unacceptable. DNA the child and get out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have been taken against your _knowing_ will.
Taken and _near_ drowned by her madness, her extreme disloyalty.

Surface, take a breath of air, take a long, long breather away from her.

Work on getting divorced, make her someone else's problem.
You have my permission.


_Nemesis-_


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> How do we make you understand the painful truth: The truth that tells you that you have been nothing but a weak man that has been taking second burner to a woman that you've only been married to for a couple of years and the result is that she's been shagging another dude, at the time where you two should be in honeymoon phase. Dude, you need to DNA that kid like yesterday. You really don't know if the kid is yours for certain. I don't know your age but you come across as one of today's men under 40 that really have not learn/were not taught to have self respect and dignity, and confused with being a man in today's world. It doesn't really matter what societal pressures as a man you've been taught but reacting like a weak man trying everything to keep the relationship going and trying to get her to tell you the true is not a sign of a strong leading man. It shouldn't matter the who, why, when, where, it should only matter to you that she did. That's more than sufficient reason for a man that has character, self respect, and dignity to end the marriage.
> 
> You can and always be a co-parent (if that child is yours). Better for the child to have two happy homes than a miserable one because, I can't for the life of me understand why are you keeping yourself in this mess of a marriage and with this broken unfaithful woman. Are you so low in self worth that you think she's the best that you can do?
> 
> ...


I get it. And I understand what you’re saying. Before this, I had all of the things that make a man. It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that ****ed me up. That’s when I started to question things. She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad. I do well single. The kid is mine…I know for sure. DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.

That’s not from her, that’s from the doctor. It doesn’t make it manly for me to bail when **** gets hard anymore than it justifies her affair when things get difficult. I’m not opposed to divorce. I’m simply asking for a non bias opinion. An opinion other than my own. Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer. I appreciate your input


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Her insecurities were based on what she was doing behind your back. It sucks that you're going through this. I know some of the advice seems harsh but when you're in deep it's hard to see things clear. She's using you. This won't get any better. Eventually her poor decision making will drag you down even further.
> 
> As far as your son, I'm sure you love him but you need to get the dna test ASAP, there is a legal time limit and at the very least you need to know the truth.
> 
> Best of luck.


Thanks man, I’m asking for the harsh input. I rely on it for distinguishing the truth from bullsh&t. Appreciate it


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> I get it. And I understand what you’re saying. Before this, I had all of the things that make a man. It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that f$cked me up. That’s when I started to question things. She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad. I do well single. The kid is mine…I know for sure. DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.That’s not from her, that’s from the doctor. It doesn’t make it manly for me to bail when [email protected] gets hard anymore than it justifies her affair when things get difficult. I’m not opposed to divorce. I’m simply asking for a non bias opinion. An opinion other than my own. Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer. I appreciate your input


How old are the two of you?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tommywain said:


> It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that ****ed me up.


This. This is the main reason why so many people chain themselves in a hopeless relationship which the outcome invariable is a life of misery tied to the situation out of guilt and what if I left, would she do it?

I don't want to sound cold and without empathy, but the sad reality is that you can't control the actions of a person suffering from mental imbalances. If that person wants to off herself/himself they will do it whether you're there or not. In many cases is nothing but a way to keep the partner stucked with them.

You shouldn't fall for this. This is nothing but emotional terrorism. You need to actually be looking not just for you but for your child's best outcome from a growing up point of view. Is your child being exposed to her histrionics, if so, then you need to take a professional assessment to comprehend if you need to take your child away from her and give him a better environment to live.

You cannot allow her to keep you prisoner of her blackmailing treats. Document everything. You eventually will need all forms of documentation in the eventuality that she gets mentally worse as time passes. Chances are that she will, so don't built too much hopes.

If you leave, and she follows through her suicide threats, you must be mentally prepared to understand that is not your fault, nor it could ever be your fault in any way or shape. That's all on her, period. But you cannot be tied to a cheating, mentally unstable individual that is showing her lack of empathy for you, and what has she done to the marriage. Strength to you my friend. Do not let fear guide your life.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> How old are the two of you?


we are both 32


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> This. This is the main reason why so many people chain themselves in a hopeless relationship which the outcome invariable is a life of misery tied to the situation out of guilt and what if I left, would she do it?
> 
> I don't want to sound cold and without empathy, but the sad reality is that you can't control the actions of a person suffering from mental imbalances. If that person wants to off herself/himself they will do it whether you're there or not. In many cases is nothing but a way to keep the partner stucked with them.
> 
> ...


this. This is exactly what I needed to hear, how I needed to hear it. Thank you, seriously.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> we are both 32


So you’ve got a 32-year-old wife and mother displaying all these behaviors — do you think she’s at all possessed of the tools she’d need to reconcile your marriage _in a meaningful way_?


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You are a chump because you are allowing it. Cheaters always lie a lot. The rest is excuses on your part to try and justify accepting the unacceptable. DNA the child and get out.


I get what you’re saying. Delivery could use some work. nice car.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You should still be in a honeymoon situation. You are not.

An action check list:

1.) Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as a pdf file. Its free.

2.) Google "The 180 For Hurt Spouses". Follow it religiously. It helps you to separate yourself from her.

3.) Lawyer up. It would be best to file now. It can be stopped if she gets her head out of her hind quarters. Go for full custody. Her history will help you in that regard.

4.) Do not do the "Pick-Me-Dance" for it only makes you seem weak in her eyes.

5.) Remember "Strength & Honor". Let her remember you that way, not as one who did not have the strength of character to deal this behavior.

6.) Cut the "I'm stronger if I stay than if I leave". That is baloney.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> So you’ve got a 32-year-old wife and mother displaying all these behaviors — do you think she’s at all possessed of the tools she’d need to reconcile your marriage _in a meaningful way_?


after taking the advice of not only my therapist but my attorney, I gave it time to cool down. And I’m starting to see clearer but she is still the same. She isn’t showing signs of being able to clean her stuff up. I don’t feel the need to subject myself to this kind of treatment. I never have. But this was the first time I made the decision to give marriage a real shot. It fell flat on its face and so I’m treating this next decision with the same importance.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

skerzoid said:


> You should still be in a honeymoon situation. You are not.
> 
> An action check list:
> 
> ...


Thanks dude, I will take this to heart. I appreciate your honesty


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.


You are the weakest doormat in human history if you allow this to continue.
Attorney. File. Get counseling to figure out why you don’t value yourself more than to allow this crazy cheater to muck up your world with her filth.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Threads like this really sadden me. You have given so much for this woman and she repays you with repeated betrayals, aloofness, and emotional abuse. Please leave her. To be betrayed so soon into your marriage should be completely unacceptable. 

What you’ve been doing for the past 2 years is allowing yourself to be emotionally abused. Once you emotionally dump her, you can begin to live again and will find that you will be an even better father. So stop taking on her problems as your own. She fired you as her helpmate when she decided to betray you and your son by being a free prostitute for some POS. Instead put your emotional and physical energy into working on yourself and being the best dad possible.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tommywain said:


> I get what you’re saying. Delivery could use some work. nice car.


These situations just suck. Sorry man but there isn’t a great way to try and sugar coat these.
A good friend of mine said the hardest thing for him was realizing his x was nothing special. Just your typical lying cheater.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Threads like this really sadden me. You have given so much for this woman and she repays you with repeated betrayals, aloofness, and emotional abuse. Please leave her. To be betrayed so soon into your marriage should be completely unacceptable.
> 
> What you’ve been doing for the past 2 years is allowing yourself to be emotionally abused. Once you emotionally dump her, you can begin to live again and will find that you will be an even better father. So stop taking on her problems as your own. She fired you as her helpmate when she decided to betray you and your son by being a free prostitute for some POS. Instead put your emotional and physical energy into working on yourself and being the best dad possible.


well said. This gives me perspective. Thank you


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

Sorry you are going thru this. In no way does this woman care for you if she allowed and enjoyed another man's penis while married to you. She is cruel. 

Man up, if not for your sake, do it for your son. What kind of example are you giving your boy? How would you tell him to respond if he was in your shoes?

And you find yourself second guessing yourself...replay the sex your wife had with OM..
There's your answer. 

I speak from experience.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

First, don't get her pregnant again.

Second, there is no way any reasonable person would advise you to try to make this work. You need to divorce.

She had an ongoing affair for good chunk of your marriage. Who knows what she hasn't admitted to. There is a chance the kid isn't yours. The depression was likely heavily tied to her feelings of guilt over the affair and whatever else she was doing. She has no remorse as she wants to just move on.

You cannot control anyone but yourself, so you can't fix this.

Sorry man, but you must move on.


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

Just repeating consensus, but this is just a really clear cut case.

No sex, STD test, finances in order, DNA test, Divorce. All ASAP.

Your wife sounds like a time-bomb. Get away as soon as your lawyer advises you to. Carry a VAR to protect yourself against DV.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Definitively agree with having a VAR (voice-activated recorder) present when dealing with her -/ and a concealed camera would be even better.

OP, while you’re talking with a lawyer, ask about the legality of using these things where you live.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.


It's hard to keep giving liars a second chance. I mean, she obviously has some mental health issues that need to be dealt with, but like many mentally ill people, she is resistant to seeking help, so if she doesn't try to help herself, I do not advise you needing to stay to help her through it. If she made an effort to see a psychiatrist and find out what's up and get on meds if necessary, then I'd consider it. But you're in between a rock and hard place because the child needs taking care of. You definitely should not leave unless you do what is normal in the US and get 50/50 joint custody so that you can always keep an eye on the child's welfare and provide a sane parent for the child in case she just keeps degenerating some way. That would mean you'd have to make childcare arrangements when it was your 3 1/2 days, and no, you wouldn't be able to pick your days. It's 2 1/2 through the week and one weekend day. Same for her. Both of you responsible totally on your custody stretch for childcare, school meetings, doctor appts. , etc. But if you weren't married to her, you wouldn't need three jobs. Maybe get a smaller home you can afford and scale down, though. Good luck. 

Mental illness, suicidal ideation, and cheating -- not a great combo to have to deal with.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tommywain said:


> I get it. And I understand what you’re saying. Before this, I had all of the things that make a man. It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that f$cked me up. That’s when I started to question things. She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad. I do well single. The kid is mine…I know for sure. DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.That’s not from her, that’s from the doctor. I*t doesn’t make it manly for me to bail* when [email protected] gets hard anymore than it justifies her affair when things get difficult. I’m not opposed to divorce. I’m simply asking for a non bias opinion. An opinion other than my own. Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer. I appreciate your input


It's even less manly to put up with it.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> It's even less manly to put up with it.


Huge help, thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cheating, gaslighting, outright lying, trickle-truth… that’s not “**** getting hard” — that’s her MAKING **** intolerable.

Is she being transparent with her phone and other devices? Social media accounts? Email? Passwords for everything?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How close was the platonic friend? Was she very important to you?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

2 years in and she has been having sex with her ex almost the entire time. You have no marriage.

Divorce and go for full custody of your kid.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How close was the platonic friend? Was she very important to you?


Important, sure. But we casually spoke and it wasn’t every day when we did. Never anything disrespectful. Just how are you and catch up on life, kids and stuff. It was more about how I felt like if I allowed someone to make rules for me suddenly out of the blue when it was known and agreed upon, I’d be giving up my ability to make my own decisions to accommodate insecurities. It ultimately wasn’t worth my marriage at the time but those little compromises led to larger compromises on my part until I didn’t like who I was looking at in the mirror. When I foundout about the affair, it jolted me back to protecting myself. Setting boundaries with her and not allowing anyone to cross them


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yeah that can really hurt a woman, but it doesn’t make it ok for her to do what she did. Not ok at all. Very sorry for what you’re going through, and for your kid too.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> Important, sure. But we casually spoke and it wasn’t every day when we did. Never anything disrespectful. Just how are you and catch up on life, kids and stuff. It was more about how I felt like if I allowed someone to make rules for me suddenly out of the blue when it was known and agreed upon, I’d be giving up my ability to make my own decisions to accommodate insecurities. It ultimately wasn’t worth my marriage at the time but those little compromises led to larger compromises on my part until I didn’t like who I was looking at in the mirror. When I foundout about the affair, it jolted me back to protecting myself. Setting boundaries with her and not allowing anyone to cross them


Expect her to (try to) weaponize this relationship against you when you start pushing for increased transparency.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

You gave her the best of you... She gave you the worst of her!
You paid the full price for something that another man got for free!
You know what you need to do!


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> I didn’t realize that she had extreme postpartum depression until I was in way over my head.



this is on you. You failed to qualify her to your detriment. 

This chick is LSE. Low Self-esteem. Again. you failed to qualify her. These chicks are not relationship material. All I can do is point you in the right direction. Read Female Psychology for the Practical man by joe west. They do a good job of covering LSE women and what a disaster they are. 

You can't fix her; cant save her. this chick is problems worse than you know. You seem like a pretty normal well-adjusted man - somewhat weak. It's going to get worse the longer your are with her. The lying - cheating. . Dump her. try to get custody. She's going to ruin you, man. Don't allow it to happen. relationships are reserved for HSE (high self e). Learn to quality next time.


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## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

Sorry you are here.

You sound like me after I found out about the first affair.

You are going to torture yourself with her for years.

She will be like this over and over, and no amount of support and love you provide will make any difference. She is not capable of being what you want her to be, and SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

Divorce her yesterday.

DNA the child, and if it is yours be the best dad you can.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

This^^^^^^^ READ Vaughan's thread........


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tommywain said:


> DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.T


For every one information:Too many people keep repeating the same: DNA the kid. OP already stated that the kid has already been DNA due to health reasons, so the kid is his.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Expect her to (try to) weaponize this relationship against you when you start pushing for increased transparency.


That is exactly what happens


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> That is exactly what happens


If you’re at all inclined to reconcile, you have to stand your ground on this.

But I’ll tell you something you’ve likely already figured out: where there is no _willing_ transparency, there is no remorse — and where there is no remorse, there can be no reconciliation. Rugsweeping maybe, but no reconciliation.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Vaughan said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> You sound like me after I found out about the first affair.
> 
> ...


Thanks man. It’s crazy the amount of support from some random forum I found. Appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you Vaughan for the wisdom


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tommywain said:


> She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad.
> 
> 
> Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer.


If a fighter plane is on fire and the engines are flaming out and the plane is plummeting to the ground,,, is the pilot more noble and stronger if he rides the plane into the ground? 

Is he taking the easy way out when he pulls the ejection handle and ejects out of the plane and parachutes to the ground while the plane crashes and burns??

Survival is not weakness and it is not the easy way out.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If a fighter plane is on fire and the engines are flaming out and the plane is plummeting to the ground,,, is the pilot more noble and stronger if he rides the plane into the ground?
> 
> Is he taking the easy way out when he pulls the ejection handle and ejects out of the plane and parachutes to the ground while the plane crashes and burns??
> 
> Survival is not weakness and it is not the easy way out.


Fair point. That’s a good way to put it. Thanks


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## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

Tommywain said:


> Thanks man. It’s crazy the amount of support from some random forum I found. Appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you Vaughan for the wisdom


Unfortunately my advice comes from experience. You may be thinking "these guys/gals are all just bitter, my situation is a little different". In fact, you said "I love her and I know she loves me". You know she loves you? Really? Would she do these things if she loved you? Your story resonated with me because you are saying some things I would have said - making excuses for her and actually minimizing what she has done and continues to do.

If you stay,


> My first reaction is to make it work.


 she WILL torture you for years.



> "she’s begging me to stay and make this work. "


 So did mine, more than once. I know you want to believe it, but it is fantasy. She does not care about you.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

You're her insurance policy while you put up w/ this crap. She expects you to dump her. this is how the mind of a LSE woman works. Didn't take her long *to sabotage* your relationship. This is a tell of the LSE woman. Is there a history of failed dysfunctional relationships in her past? Another big tell. Daddy issues, high body count??? More tells.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

manowar said:


> *You can't fix her; cant save her.* this chick is problems worse than you know. You seem like a pretty normal well-adjusted man - somewhat weak. It's going to get worse the longer your are with her. The lying - cheating. . Dump her. try to get custody. She's going to ruin you, man. Don't allow it to happen. relationships are reserved for HSE (high self e). Learn to quality next time.


is she on any serious mood stabilizing drugs?
certain psychological drugs lower a person's anxiety levels, but also lower their inhibitions to cheating. 

in those specific cases, the drugs the doctor gave her are the WRONG ONES for her physiology. and changing to a different type of drug might still treat her, except without the unfortunate side effects.

if she is on such drugs, you could go with her to the doctor, explain what has been going on, and discuss if there are changes that could be made to her treatment.

but that is a long shot, and not an easy path. if she STOPS taking the drugs, her old ways might come right back (especially if there are any multiple personality issues)


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> is she on any serious mood stabilizing drugs?
> certain psychological drugs lower a person's anxiety levels, but also lower their inhibitions to cheating.
> 
> in those specific cases, the drugs the doctor gave her are the WRONG ONES for her physiology. and changing to a different type of drug might still treat her, except without the unfortunate side effects.
> ...


the affair started before medication and continued after


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Once you file for divorce she can't pretend or wish the affair never happen...two years versus the rest of your life is really nothing.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Tommywain said:


> the affair started before medication and continued after


well, i guess that is not even a remote possibility then.

sounds like its either divorce, or accept that you have a "hotwife" situattion.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> *You gave her the best of you... She gave you the worst of her!
> You paid the full price for something that another man got for free!*
> You know what you need to do!


@Tommywain , I hope that you are getting different points of views here. People are pointing out things and issues that you may not have thought of or considered not to be important. Hopefully you are taking this time to reevaluate your marriage and looking at all that happened with a fresh set of eyes (so to speak)

I wanted to emphasize two points that were made by @Kaliber. She, used you and the marriage as something comfortable and steady. I don't know what your income levels are, but she may have stayed with you because you earn more than the other guy. 

Another thing that I wanted to mention is this: @Tommywain have you ever heard the phrase "Lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm". Does that ring a bell or sound something you've felt?

One last thing I wanted to point out is this: When you went to her with the evidence/information you had, it's possible that she may have felt cornered. So, usually in that situation people throw out something that distracts you from the actual issue that they don't want you to consider. This is also a situation where she may be copping to the minimum that she thinks she can get away with. Did you ask her if she had cheated (another affair, ONS etc.) on you. Did she ever cheated while being in previous relationships? Does she give lot more latitude and leeway to her affair partner that she wouldn't to you? 

Looking forward, please think things through and choose a course of action that is best for you. Good luck!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So she's been cheating on you for over 1/2 of your marriage -- you should have been in the honeymoon phase.
postpartum is NO excuse for her to cheat. LOTS of women have that without cheating


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Asterix said:


> @Tommywain , I hope that you are getting different points of views here. People are pointing out things and issues that you may not have thought of or considered not to be important. Hopefully you are taking this time to reevaluate your marriage and looking at all that happened with a fresh set of eyes (so to speak)
> 
> I wanted to emphasize two points that were made by @Kaliber. She, used you and the marriage as something comfortable and steady. I don't know what your income levels are, but she may have stayed with you because you earn more than the other guy.
> 
> ...


There has definitely been some great points made. I read the book @skerzoid recommended, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” A few of the points made in that book combined with 180 For Hurt Spouses have given me permission I didn’t need to prioritize myself as a man over the husband I wanted my kids to see. I suppose a mistake worth making to learn a valuable lesson. I want my kid to see the man I was before I allowed someone to **** my head up. I was a touring musician with with pockets full of confidence. I threw myself into this marriage and dad role with complete reckless abandonment. A rookie mistake I suppose.
I did in fact ask her if there were any other affairs but there has been no trace of any other. I know she had an affair in her last marriage. She told me this when we first met. The circumstances were different and her ex husband was not ready yet to be a dad to her daughter. So she was on her own. I don’t worry that much about my son, he’s young and will most likely remember very little of this if anything at all. But my step daughter is 9 now. This is the only thing that breaks my heart. Not even the affair hurts as much as knowing that she is going to be hurt by this and needs protecting. Selfishly, it hurts that I won’t see her except for in passing but 4 years as a proud step dad doesn’t grant me any right to see her. For her sake, I’m going to make this as easy and painless as she allows to. She is an excellent mother. She puts them first on the daily. She was a bad*** single mom when we met. So 50/50 will be the agreement. Anything we have left between us now has to be dedicated to the kids. Sparing them of any more bull****. The income level things isn’t a problem between my wife and I. When she’s working full time like she is now, she makes more than I do. During Postpartum Depression, she couldn’t work at all, so I stepped up and changed careers to construction. Lots of money in construction haha but she is better now with the depression than she was.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So she's been cheating on you for over 1/2 of your marriage -- you should have been in the honeymoon phase.
> postpartum is NO excuse for her to cheat. LOTS of women have that without cheating


It’s true. You’re right. I do have the understanding of when she started talking to the OM. It was in the worst part of the depression and our lives. She didn’t want to be alive dude. Not an excuse for the fact that she kept it going, kept it secret. If she would have told me immediately, maybe there would be something here to save. But she stopped the affair and was never going to tell me. She got better with medicine, she kept the affair going. Once or twice a month. Always when I was at the studio. My one night a week she allowed me to go work on what was my full time career/passion when we met. lol do you know how incredibly difficult it is to record and release singles only one night a week? Lol
Just to have that back


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You should not have granted her the gift of a second chance without requiring her to earn it. 

The next time she mentions suicide (verbally or text) you should call 911 and report it - and they will take the next step to care for her. Step away and let professionals deal with her suicide threats.

It's ok to love her. But that is not a reason to stay in an abusive relationship. It is not inconsistent to love her - but to divorce her. 

Make a written daily record of her behavior and everything she says. It may be useful later with respect to child custody.

Carry a VAR on you at all times to protect yourself from a false accusation of domestic abuse.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> I was a touring musician with with pockets full of confidence. I threw myself into this marriage and dad role with complete reckless abandonment. A rookie mistake I suppose.



Why give that up? I don't get it. For woman? Are you nuts? You sacrificed your mission/passion? Men who put themselves first don't do that. Right there you weakened yourself. Her Thinking: "Why would Music Man give everything up for me. How easily I got Music Man providing for me".  Dude your problem is you believe those Blue Pill fking lyrics you sing about every night. Newsflash: its all bullsh+t. Apparently, you never got the memo. I never realized how many musicians believe in the romantic fairy tale myth with little understanding of female nature. These groupies see you, skinny armed guys, up there and fantasies run through their heads of what slayers you guys are. Over time as they get to know these musicians they realize they are a bunch of blue pill romantic nice-guys. Look at that turkey Phil Collins and his history. 

Looks like you went from Hot Guy to beta provided in 24 months. Again that's on you for not knowing female psychology/female nature/LSE women. I thought you guys were good w/ chicks. Maybe its because the women make it so easy for you. Same goes for professional athletes. Some of the biggest blue pillers on the planets. Jonny Bench -- 4 marriages lol.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

dude -- start watching the rational male, rollo tomassi -- you tube and book. Get red-pilled amigo...

Also Taylor the Fiend on you tube is pretty good for getting a handle on female nature.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

manowar said:


> Why give that up? I don't get it. For woman? Are you nuts? You sacrificed your mission/passion? Men who put themselves first don't do that. Right there you weakened yourself. Her Thinking: "Why would Music Man give everything up for me. How easily I got Music Man providing for me".  Dude your problem is you believe those Blue Pill fking lyrics you sing about every night. Newsflash: its all bullsh+t. Apparently, you never got the memo. I never realized how many musicians believe in the romantic fairy tale myth with little understanding of female nature. These groupies see you, skinny armed guys, up there and fantasies run through their heads of what slayers you guys are. Over time as they get to know these musicians they realize they are a bunch of blue pill romantic nice-guys. Look at that turkey Phil Collins and his history.
> 
> Looks like you went from Hot Guy to beta provided in 24 months. Again that's on you for not knowing female psychology/female nature/LSE women. I thought you guys were good w/ chicks. Maybe its because the women make it so easy for you. Same goes for professional athletes. Some of the biggest blue pillers on the planets. Jonny Bench -- 4 marriages lol.


hahaha this is my shortest relationship. The life of a musician or just any normal life doesn’t prepare you for what the past two years have been. I’ve never had to stop someone I love from killing themselves. I’ve never feared leaving the house because if I do I might not be there to stop her… The kids,… I failed to see the purpose of your contribution. Go back, read what you responded to and tell me how we’re not both saying the same thing. Keep in mind, the pandemic killed my industry. Things are opening back up here and there, work is flowing back in. Not all is lost. I come out of this with my son. Keep in mind, I’ve been on the road since I was a teenager and have lived up until now selfishly. Only doing what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. If you’re chastising me for putting someone I loved before myself when they are suddenly losing their mind…knock yourself out. 
Maybe you have a leg up and understand the complexities of every woman…either way, you’re on this site as well, my friend. and by the looks of it, it’s not to give good advice. Cheers, thank you for your input


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

manowar said:


> dude -- start watching the rational male, rollo tomassi -- you tube and book. Get red-pilled amigo...
> 
> Also Taylor the Fiend on you tube is pretty good for getting a handle on female nature.


I’ll check it out as soon as the little guy goes to bed.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> the pandemic killed my industry.


 my bad....



Tommywain said:


> Maybe you have a leg up and understand the complexities of every woman…


Not by a long shot. I learned the hard way. trial and error. I fked up w/ women just like every other guy. I learned early on that us guys were being fed a fairy tale. I adjusted accordingly. 



Tommywain said:


> If you’re chastising me


you're reading something into it that isn't there. my apologies. Your in a tough spot. I see that. My attempt is to get you and other men to see the light._ i don't like seeing men get run over and men somehow believing it's their duty to take it._ Men have been socially conditioned into this belief. the someone you love and have moved mountains for and fathered a child with is disrespecting you. That's why you are here right. My contribution is this: 1) Don't put up with being disrespected, 2) understand female nature. Not criticizing you for caring for your wife. it's the right thing to do. More like trying to make you aware. To unplug is a better way to put it. Or how you got to this point. Take it for what it is or ignore it.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

manowar said:


> my bad....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


casualty of written communication. My bad. I see what you’re getting at. Rational male is practical but this is not the me begging situation. Hahaha she’s the one trying to make this work but isn’t willing to really do what it takes. Over the past month, I’ve given it a shot to even see if it would be possible. She did poorly and reverted to defensive, so I am now here. In the past, I would have never put up with it. In fact, I’d just leave. But this was my first real shot at what I knew was going to be hard. That’s marriage. But between surprise baby, jamming our lives together. Learning to be a step dad to a kid. Where do I fit into this family that’s already here. This wasn’t my world but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it was as valuable if not more than any crazy amazing experience I’ve had on the road and elsewhere. She was the only girl to ever rival my time with music. She decimated it haha. But it’ll do good for writing I guess. I do appreciate the advice. Thanks man


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Tommywain said:


> There has definitely been some great points made. I read the book @skerzoid recommended, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” A few of the points made in that book combined with 180 For Hurt Spouses have given me permission I didn’t need to prioritize myself as a man over the husband I wanted my kids to see. I suppose a mistake worth making to learn a valuable lesson. I want my kid to see the man I was before I allowed someone to **** my head up. I was a touring musician with with pockets full of confidence. I threw myself into this marriage and dad role with complete reckless abandonment. A rookie mistake I suppose.
> I did in fact ask her if there were any other affairs but there has been no trace of any other. *I know she had an affair in her last marriage. She told me this when we first met.* The circumstances were different and her ex husband was not ready yet to be a dad to her daughter. So she was on her own. I don’t worry that much about my son, he’s young and will most likely remember very little of this if anything at all. But my step daughter is 9 now. This is the only thing that breaks my heart. Not even the affair hurts as much as knowing that she is going to be hurt by this and needs protecting. Selfishly, *it hurts that I won’t see her except for in passing but 4 years as a proud step dad doesn’t grant me any right to see her.* For her sake, I’m going to make this as easy and painless as she allows to. She is an excellent mother. She puts them first on the daily. She was a bad*** single mom when we met. So 50/50 will be the agreement. Anything we have left between us now has to be dedicated to the kids. Sparing them of any more bull****. The income level things isn’t a problem between my wife and I. When she’s working full time like she is now, she makes more than I do. During Postpartum Depression, she couldn’t work at all, so I stepped up and changed careers to construction. Lots of money in construction haha but she is better now with the depression than she was.


"She told me this when we first met"

You knew????? I usually dislike generalizations, but your wife is not doing anything to refute the generalization "once a cheater... always a cheater".

*it hurts that I won’t see her except for in passing but 4 years as a proud step dad doesn’t grant me any right to see her.* 

Isn't that a damn shame? Due to no fault of her own, She is going to lose a good and well-balanced father figure from her life. This could have repercussions for her that won't be apparent for years down the road. You and your step daughter is at a significant loss here due to selfish actions of your partner.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Tommywain said:


> casualty of written communication. My bad. I see what you’re getting at. Rational male is practical but this is not the me begging situation. Hahaha *she’s the one trying to make this work but isn’t willing to really do what it takes.* Over the past month, I’ve given it a shot to even see if it would be possible. She did poorly and reverted to defensive, so I am now here. In the past, I would have never put up with it. In fact, I’d just leave. But this was my first real shot at what I knew was going to be hard. That’s marriage. But between surprise baby, jamming our lives together. Learning to be a step dad to a kid. Where do I fit into this family that’s already here. *This wasn’t my world but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it was as valuable if not more than any crazy amazing experience I’ve had on the road and elsewhere. She was the only girl to ever rival my time with music. She decimated it haha. But it’ll do good for writing I guess*. I do appreciate the advice. Thanks man


If she isn't willing to really do what it takes then don't you think that she's not really trying to make this work? Maybe she's just giving some lip service and making some halfassed efforts without forcing herself significantly out of her comfort zone.

Regarding the writing, here's a wild idea: like some of those very, very, very, very famous and successful (female) musicians/artists wrote and sand songs about their breakups, maybe you can do the same as well? So, down the road, we can proudly say that we helped a certain platinum selling artist through his tough time.  (joking but not really).

Wishing you the best in this situation that you are dealing with.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Asterix said:


> If she isn't willing to really do what it takes then don't you think that she's not really trying to make this work? Maybe she's just giving some lip service and making some halfassed efforts without forcing herself significantly out of her comfort zone.
> 
> Regarding the writing, here's a wild idea: like some of those very, very, very, very famous and successful (female) musicians/artists wrote and sand songs about their breakups, maybe you can do the same as well? So, down the road, we can proudly say that we helped a certain platinum selling artist through his tough time.  (joking but not really).
> 
> Wishing you the best in this situation that you are dealing with.


Hahaha can’t wait for people to dance to it on TikTok 😒

she’s trying. I know it. But that same effort could have prevented this. She couldn’t match me then, and I suppose I cannot match her now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you confronted the ex bf?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Is the ex BF/OM the older kid’s father?


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Have you confronted the ex bf?


I have. I wanted a physical confrontation but he was on edge. Nervous I was gonna **** his life up. I debated for a while but decided to let him handle his business. He answered some questions, apologized profusely and that was that. I wanted him to be an a$$hole to justify a fight but I felt bad for him. And his family.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Is the ex BF/OM the older kid’s father?


No. The OM was a guy she dated for a few months


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There’s a saying when you’re traveling on airplanes. In the even of an accident put your oxygen mask on first. If you don’t save yourself you won’t be saving anyone else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Excellent mother’s don’t blow their families/children apart over an affair.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tommywain said:


> I have. I wanted a physical confrontation but he was on edge. Nervous I was gonna **** his life up. I debated for a while but decided to let him handle his business. He answered some questions, apologized profusely and that was that. I wanted him to be an a$$hole to justify a fight but I felt bad for him. And his family.


I understand....when you say family he is married? Did you tell his partner?


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I understand....when you say family he is married? Did you tell his partner?


I didn’t. I thought about it for a while. But ultimately, decided against blowing up some other family.


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

Do you not think the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS) deserves to know the truth about her marriage? You are not blowing-up anything, your WW and OM did that. Informing her would be the kindest thing you could do. I believe 10 times out of 10, a person would want to know if their spouse is cheating on them.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Goose54 said:


> Do you not think the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS) deserves to know the truth about her marriage? You are not blowing-up anything, your WW and OM did that. Informing her would be the kindest thing you could do. I believe 10 times out of 10, a person would want to know if their spouse is cheating on them.


I completely see it from this perspective as well. I’d want someone to tell me too. And I’ve done extensive research and talked about this in therapy. So far everyone has told me the same, stay out of it for now. The guy is obviously a POS. I’ll likely mail a letter or something after we move out of this neighborhood.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Not informing the other spouse is the best way to keep the affair active. 
Most conflict avoiders will find an excuse not to get involved when it would be in their best interest to inform the other spouse and is the best way to try and end an affair.

Conflict avoidant people can’t make decisions and ultimately keep themselves bound in limbo.

Not uncommon.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tommywain said:


> I didn’t. I thought about it for a while. But ultimately, decided against blowing up some other family.


So let me understand this it was okay for him to blow up your family, bed your wife in your house night after night all the while you are busting your ass working to provide for your family...Seriously are you telling me that you would rather not expose the POS he is to protect his family... what the hell man honestly he F's you over and over and you decide to not disrupt his life. I get that she could have said no, i get that she is equally to blame, but this guy could have been an upstanding man and said no instead he saw this as an easy lay. So you don't think his wife shoudl have a chance to make a choice in the matter. Sorry but i see this as a coward move


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So let me understand this it was okay for him to blow up your family, bed your wife in your house night after night all the while you are busting your ass working to provide for your family...Seriously are you telling me that you would rather not expose the POS he is to protect his family... what the hell man honestly he F's you over and over and you decide to not disrupt his life. I get that she could have said no, i get that she is equally to blame, but this guy could have been an upstanding man and said no instead he saw this as an easy lay. So you don't think his wife shoudl have a chance to make a choice in the matter. Sorry but i see this as a coward move


The bottom line is, my child sleeps two streets over from this person. I’m not about to throw a grenade into his house while he knows where I live. If I do it, it’ll be once my kid is elsewhere. I’ve done a great deal of thinking about this. If I blow up someone’s household, I’d be putting my household in harms way. I don’t know this guy and he’s obviously a piece of crap. If it was just about what I wanted, sure. I am naturally confrontational and I have to fightMyself on this for the sake of my kid


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tommywain said:


> The bottom line is, my child sleeps two streets over from this person. I’m not about to throw a grenade into his house while he knows where I live. If I do it, it’ll be once my kid is elsewhere. I’ve done a great deal of thinking about this. If I blow up someone’s household, I’d be putting my household in harms way. I don’t know this guy and he’s obviously a piece of crap. If it was just about what I wanted, sure. I am naturally confrontational and I have to fightMyself on this for the sake of my kid


fair enough, but you have no guarantee he will stay away. He is a predators and you can not trust a predator


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> fair enough, but you have no guarantee he will stay away. He is a predators and you can not trust a predator


You’re right. I have to let go of what I can’t control and take responsibility for what I can. But I do not care anymore what my soon to be ex-wife does as long as my child is safe. And working with her ex-husband who is in complete agreement concerning who she dates next. He and I both share the same concern. For his daughter and for my son. I am through trying to micromanage someone else’s life


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

How long did you get to know her before marrying. How long did you date? I didn't realize you were only 32. I thought you were in your 40s. 

You are entering your prime. A man's prime is roughly 34-46. A woman's prime 19-30. that's why it seems that women have it so easy and call the shots. Guys in their 20s are always a step behind these hotties until the tables turn on the. The game will change for you over the next few years. this is a huge plus you have going for you.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

manowar said:


> How long did you get to know her before marrying. How long did you date? I didn't realize you were only 32. I thought you were in your 40s.
> 
> You are entering your prime. A man's prime is roughly 34-46. A woman's prime 19-30. that's why it seems that women have it so easy and call the shots. Guys in their 20s are always a step behind these hotties until the tables turn on the. The game will change for you over the next few years. this is a huge plus you have going for you.


Haha yea I’ll be 33 this year. We dated for 2 years. Met her daughter after 1 year when things went from dating to serious. We had planned on settling down together regardless. I’m so not worried about life after this divorce. I’m the type that loves alone time. And when I’m ready to get back out there and date or whatever, I’m sure it’ll be just as much of a **** show as it was years ago lol. I’ll obviously be more cautious now. For myself and my son


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> I completely see it from this perspective as well. I’d want someone to tell me too. And I’ve done extensive research and talked about this in therapy. So far everyone has told me the same, stay out of it for now. The guy is obviously a POS. I’ll likely mail a letter or something after we move out of this neighborhood.


As a BW, I didn’t find out until way after the other BS, and I would sure have liked to know. Now to be fair I don’t think the OBS knew who I was or my WH name.

You should tell her. She deserves to know. It’s not revenge, it’s kindness for a person who doesn’t know she’s been betrayed.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Tommywain said:


> Haha yea I’ll be 33 this year. We dated for 2 years. Met her daughter after 1 year when things went from dating to serious. We had planned on settling down together regardless. I’m so not worried about life after this divorce. I’m the type that loves alone time. And when I’m ready to get back out there and date or whatever, I’m sure it’ll be just as much of a sh** show as it was years ago lol. I’ll obviously be more cautious now. For myself and my son


I bet you don't excuse red flags this time around.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> The bottom line is, my child sleeps two streets over from this person. I’m not about to throw a grenade into his house while he knows where I live. If I do it, it’ll be once my kid is elsewhere. I’ve done a great deal of thinking about this. If I blow up someone’s household, I’d be putting my household in harms way. I don’t know this guy and he’s obviously a piece of crap. If it was just about what I wanted, sure. I am naturally confrontational and I have to fightMyself on this for the sake of my kid


Then at least an anonymous note from someone with the advice she needs to check her H’s history and phone conversations. At least someone give her a clue she’s being duped and her health out at risk by a sleaze bag.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She is the one who cheated.
Put the onus on her.
Have her served promptly.
Have the child DNA tested.
If the child is yours, tell her that your plan is to free yourself from her as quickly as possible.
Tell her that if she truly wants to save the marriage, it is incumbent upon her to do all the work to repair the damage, and make herself a safe spouse.
Tell her if she can convince you that she can accomplish this, you may slow the process down.
A favorable postnup (for you) is a must.
You need to go on offense, and put her on deffense.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is the part where you tell us you have an upcoming meeting date set at the divorce office....


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> This is the part where you tell us you have an upcoming meeting date set at the divorce office....


I’ve already had a consultation. I’ll call and pay the rest of the retainer Monday morning and we’ll file


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The cowardly thing to do is stay in a marriage with a remorseless cheater but it’s much easier to do nothing than pick yourself up from the turf, brush yourself off, walk away and restart your life. You think the latter is “giving up and it’s easier”. You’ve got it backwards.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Trident said:


> The cowardly thing to do is stay in a marriage with a remorseless cheater but it’s much easier to do nothing than pick yourself up from the turf, brush yourself off, walk away and restart your life. You think the latter is “giving up and it’s easier”. You’ve got it backwards.


read all the conversations above. You’ve got it wrong. Asking for advice for perspective isn’t staying in a marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tommywain said:


> I’ve already had a consultation. I’ll call and pay the rest of the retainer Monday morning and we’ll file


Smart move ..... stick to it!


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Ugh the thought of guys rugsweeping enrages me. Dude, she willfully lied to you and was getting pounded every night you were out working. You have to view it in these explicit terms to see the gravity of the situation. The sex isn’t just some obscure far off idea in your head that didn’t occur. It happened and it happened a lot. Behind your back while you were working hard and trying to be a good partner. Kick her to the curb and use her mental issues to get full custody of your kid once you get him DNA tested and confirm you’re the father.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Ugh the thought of guys rugsweeping enrages me. Dude, she willfully lied to you and was getting pounded every night you were out working. You have to view it in these explicit terms to see the gravity of the situation. The sex isn’t just some obscure far off idea in your head that didn’t occur. It happened and it happened a lot. Behind your back while you were working hard and trying to be a good partner. Kick her to the curb and use her mental issues to get full custody of your kid once you get him DNA tested and confirm you’re the father.


Hahaha does no one read the threads before they comment?! There is no rug sweeping haha. If there was, why would no talk of divorce! Never have swept issues under the rug. Go back and read. DNA test was taken before birth due to genetic health risks with the child. Come on people….thank you for your input though. I’m filing this week


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

My apologies I just skimmed over it. Glad you are taking care of business. Good luck


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> My apologies I just skimmed over it. Glad you are taking care of business. Good luck


Haha it’s ok. No biggy. It’s something like 100 posts now. I don’t really expect people to go through it all


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> I’ve already had a consultation. I’ll call and pay the rest of the retainer Monday morning and we’ll file



This is the only way to deal w/ infidelity. Especially when it occurs this early in the marriage. You demonstrated that you took the marriage seriously by your actions. The thing that's alarming is how she went to see the ex-bf when you were at the studio. As if she went to Starbucks down the street. Perhaps in her mind, it was normal or ok. "hey what's the fuss all about". You are doing the right thing. Your in control now.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

4 days ago you were giving her another chance. A day ago you decided to file for divorce. You’re all over the place making life changing decisions on the fly. Understandable but you can’t expect people to believe your mind is firmly made up and there’s no turning back.


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Trident said:


> 4 days ago you were giving her another chance. A day ago you decided to file for divorce. You’re all over the place making life changing decisions on the fly. Understandable but you can’t expect people to believe your mind is firmly made up and there’s no turning back.


I expect nothing from anyone. This rings in my head every day for 2 months. Not anyone else’s. 4 days ago, I signed up for perspective/support. 4 days ago, I was starting to read two books simultaneously. I’m not gaining new information. Just finding what information I already have supports the best for myself and my son. There isn’t a side of this that I haven’t explored. But after reading these books that were recommended, it made me realize that I have all the information. I’ve just been questioning my own mind. I trusted myself and someone else based off the feeling that this was a safe thing to trust. Often that can leave you questioning your ability to arrive at the best solution. These books have clarified that. I’ve been made to feel like I’m losing my mind by someone who was indeed losing theirs. When you trust someone that you should not, this can happen. I gain back a little each day. I’m not working to help convince anyone of anything. Lol this isn’t for you. This is for me. This is for my son and this is for our future.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

This week will be the 3rd anniversary of my divorce from a cheater being finalized. Anyone that has gone through this Hell completely understands what you are going through.

I found about about her affair, filed and had her served pbefore she suspected I knew anything. But once I decided my course of action, there was no turning back. Oh, the ideas of “am I doing the right thing?” and “could we save the marriage?” did occasionally pop into my head, but those thoughts never stayed around for long. Those ideas were stomped down hard and quickly.

It seems like you are in as good of a place as possible. Keep moving forward! Keep your eye on the prize, which is getting away from her as quickly as possible.

good luck. Stay strong


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## Tommywain (Sep 15, 2021)

Kamstel2 said:


> This week will be the 3rd anniversary of my divorce from a cheater was finalized. Anyone that has gone through this Hell completely understands what you are going through.
> 
> I found about about her affair, filed and had her served pbefore she suspected I knew anything. But once I decided my course of action, there was no turning back. Oh, the ideas of “am I doing the right thing?” and “could we save the marriage?” did occasionally pop into my head, but never got long.
> 
> ...


Thank you! How has life been post divorce? I’d like to hear your opinion on dating and life after if you don’t mind.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

New life (post serving) has been great!

had one relatively long term relationship of 10 or 11 months, which looking back, was incredible in my healing process. Actually met her as friend’s cookout 3 or 4 months after having her served and her moving out, but we agreed that we would start dating on day divorce was finalized.

don’t worry about quality women being around and interested. They are all over the place and in great numbers. I will admit that this was something I was concerned about, but mainly when the first post divorce relationship was winding down.

Right now, I’m seeing one lady very casually and neither are putting pressure on it being more than it is.

Basically, life is very, Very good!!!

Not so much for ex. Her career was destroyed as the affair was at work. She has had multiple stays in psych hospitals because she attempted to hurt herself. And the kids, one in college the other two months from graduating high school at the time, had nothing to do with her for a long time. The daughter has restarted a relationship with her mother, but son is still very standoffish with her. She is just beginning to get her life back together.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Tommywain said:


> I expect nothing from anyone. This rings in my head every day for 2 months. Not anyone else’s. 4 days ago, I signed up for perspective/support. 4 days ago, I was starting to read two books simultaneously. I’m not gaining new information. Just finding what information I already have supports the best for myself and my son. There isn’t a side of this that I haven’t explored. But after reading these books that were recommended, it made me realize that I have all the information. I’ve just been questioning my own mind. I trusted myself and someone else based off the feeling that this was a safe thing to trust. Often that can leave you questioning your ability to arrive at the best solution. These books have clarified that. I’ve been made to feel like I’m losing my mind by someone who was indeed losing theirs. When you trust someone that you should not, this can happen. I gain back a little each day. I’m not working to help convince anyone of anything. Lol this isn’t for you. This is for me. This is for my son and this is for our future.


I can understand this perfectly. I felt out of my mind and entrenched in indecision for months. I questioned my good decisions for many months after that. Infidelity makes you question everything, even who you are and your own sanity.

You are doing great.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> the affair started before medication and continued after


Proof she wanted it and chose not to stop it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Robert22205 said:


> You should not have granted her the gift of a second chance without requiring her to earn it.
> 
> The next time she mentions suicide (verbally or text) you should call 911 and report it - and they will take the next step to care for her. Step away and let professionals deal with her suicide threats.
> 
> ...


And after you call 911 and she is taken in for suicidal observation...have a attourney file for full custody of the child on grounds she is mentally unstable.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Tommywain said:


> I completely see it from this perspective as well. I’d want someone to tell me too. And I’ve done extensive research and talked about this in therapy. So far everyone has told me the same, stay out of it for now. The guy is obviously a POS. I’ll likely mail a letter or something after we move out of this neighborhood.


After WE move? Be sure tge letter is certified with signature required if you are not willing to tell her in person.


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