# Wife and I are not on the same page about kids



## Acct630 (Dec 15, 2015)

First time poster here. My wife and I are 24 and have been married for 8 months, been together since highschool, and in these 6 months we have had a happy marriage. Before getting married we talked about when we wanted to have kids and we agreed on 1.5-2 years. After a month of being married she wanted to start trying. We discussed the issue in August and I told her I'd be willing to start trying after we'd been married for a year and she reluctantly agreed(she wanted sooner).

Now it is 5 months later and anytime a friend or someone we know gets pregnant she becomes miserable. This has happened 2 or 3 times and it just happened the other day except now she's talking about leaving. One of her reasons for "now" is because she doesn't want to be 25 and still not be pregnant. Another reason she's told me is because she desperately wants to have a baby to care for that needs her.

My reasoning for wanting to wait is because I want to build up our savings, I want a year of marriage before trying because it will be a long time before we get us time and this freedom again, and the third reason is because I am going to grad. school next year(which she 100% supports)

I hate seeing her upset, and I am certain that she is who I want to start a family with and who I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's why I am here, I need help...she wants to leave but I don't know what I can do to convince her to stay and also make sure that she is happy. I greatly appreciate any and all advice!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I have to admit I was a lot like your wife at age 25, although I never wanted or threatened to leave over it! I'm 43 now and realize how immature my thinking was. Does your wife have anything else fulfilling going on in her life right now?

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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you are just starting grad school now, won't that take longer than 2 years?


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## Acct630 (Dec 15, 2015)

She's an RN at a hospital, is an avid runner, and we spend the majority of our free time together. I think that's fulfilling but it may not be for her. What helped you be able to wait?

I am getting my MAcc(Accounting) which will take me 1 full year. I wanted to start trying a year from now so that the baby would be due after I finished but I moved that date to June as a compromise.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Acct630 said:


> She's an RN at a hospital, is an avid runner, and we spend the majority of our free time together. I think that's fulfilling but it may not be for her. What helped you be able to wait?
> 
> I am getting my MAcc(Accounting) which will take me 1 full year. I wanted to start trying a year from now so that the baby would be due after I finished but I moved that date to June as a compromise.


Would she go for a puppy or kitten in the mean time? A puppy will be something for her to take care of and will give unconditional love in return. 

Do not give in and have a baby just to appease her. You have to look at this logically, and while she is fine for having those feelings, she needs to put that aside to look at what is best for everyone involved. 

My husband and I got pregnant very soon after getting married and it really put a lot of stress on our new marriage. I would not recommend it for others.


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## Acct630 (Dec 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Would she go for a puppy or kitten in the mean time? A puppy will be something for her to take care of and will give unconditional love in return.
> 
> Do not give in and have a baby just to appease her. You have to look at this logically, and while she is fine for having those feelings, she needs to put that aside to look at what is best for everyone involved.
> 
> My husband and I got pregnant very soon after getting married and it really put a lot of stress on our new marriage. I would not recommend it for others.


We currently have two cats who are both less than a year old. We got the second a few months back when she originally started feeling like this and it certainly helped but we can't get a third(and I do not want a third cat).

She knows that I am set on my current date and that I am not willing to give in. She isn't giving me an ultimatum of "we start trying or i'm leaving", she says that she can't wait 6 months and she can't continue to go through this pain and misery...I completely believe that she is hurting, very saddened, and in a lot of pain over this, but I don't believe this is something that she can't wait 6 months for which is why I am not giving in. It's an emotional pain that I don't think I can fully grasp but to me this seems more of "I want this, I have wanted it for some time now, my friends are getting it now so I need it now".

I think that is narrow minded that I view it like that, but that's why I am here for help and to get a better understanding so that I can help her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You both agreed on a timeline for having children. For whatever reason, she has changed her mind. Her threatening to leave over this is basically a breach of a trusted agreement.

To be so sad and distraught to consider ending her marriage of less than a year suggests to me that there is something much deeper going on. She should seek counseling to find out what the source of this deep yearning is... in other words, what is missing in her life that is causing her to feel so empty? You're both young, you have plenty of time to start a family... so why does she have such a deep need right now to be "loved unconditionally"?

You should both still be in the happy honeymoon phase. Counseling for her is in order.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> You both agreed on a timeline for having children. For whatever reason, she has changed her mind. Her threatening to leave over this is basically a breach of a trusted agreement.
> 
> To be so sad and distraught to consider ending her marriage of less than a year suggests to me that there is something much deeper going on. She should seek counseling to find out what the source of this deep yearning is... in other words, what is missing in her life that is causing her to feel so empty? You're both young, you have plenty of time to start a family... so why does she have such a deep need right now to be "loved unconditionally"?
> 
> You should both still be in the happy honeymoon phase. Counseling for her is in order.


Agreed with clam, this goes way beyond just wanting a baby, it appears as if she is trying to fill the gap of something missing in her life.

My wife and I got married about the same age as you guys, and we waited close to 5 years to have our first child. I am glad we did. Children completely change the dynamics of your marriage (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse). After having kids I do wish we had taken more advantage of the time when we were kidless (difficult to do as we were both working fulltime to buy a house). At 24yrs old and not even married a year, you have plenty of time for children. For now I would just focus on yourselves and get to the root cause of why your wife is feeling emptiness without a child (I honestly would be bothered in your position, thinking that we were just married and already I am not enough for my wife).


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## Acct630 (Dec 15, 2015)

That has crossed my mind numerous times and it is extremely concerning because I have thought since the day she felt like she "needed" a baby that for whatever reason I am not enough for her to be happy in our marriage. Neither of us are great communicators, but she has always been reluctant to discuss a problem she is having with anyone. She has a very good relationship with her mother but she will not talk to her about something like this and the same goes for a few close friends of hers. I wish she would talk with someone about it to give her another perspective and advice...

Do either of you have any advice on a good way to bring this up?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/295042-my-wife-wants-4th-baby-after-getting-vasectomy.html



sixty-eight said:


> sometimes baby fever hits. usually followed immediately by the birth of child to a friend or relative or someone admired. I've seen it a million times, like falling dominoes. Or some women just really love being pregnant/infants and the fever hits on a schedule.
> 
> Is there somewhere with babies she can visit or volunteer? (MOPS, Churches, NICU) can she babysit someone else's infant for a day or two? do you know anyone with a puppy? Sometimes (seriously) the baby fever can be cured with a temporary replacement baby. At my old church, the baby fever ladies would sign up like clockwork to volunteer in the infant nursery, bam, pregnancy averted.
> 
> ...


I copied this from another thread where a guy's wife had made an agreement that they have one more baby and he gets a vasectomy. Well, they did that, and then she wanted another, breaking their original agreement. I think you might find a lot of value in reading through the whole thread, i put a link to it above.

Your wife seems to have an added element of feeling incomplete. She might get the baby she wants and still feel that way, babies are very needy. I agree with others, counseling is necessary before she gets pregnant.

And not to be adding an element of paranoia, but keep an eye on the birth control. If you are leaving it all up to her, and she wants a baby, there will be no motivation to keep taking a pill.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
OP - your reasoning makes sense. Rushing to have a baby is a BAD IDEA. Its a huger, irrevocable, life-changing decision. 

Why does she want something that "needs her". Being needed is not a pleasant experience. Being WANTED is wonderful, being NEEDED really is not.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Hi Acct,

I'm a public accountant. I see that you are completing a MAcct, and I'm assuming you are doing so because you plan to become a CPA and work in public, at least for a year to get the requisite experience. 

If I'm right, then you really need to delay having a baby. In the early years in public accounting your hours are crazy - I worked 16 hour days every week day and Saturdays for 14 weeks this year, and traveled out of state 4x - and I'm at a regional firm, not big 4. To make matters worse, if you're like most of us, you're also studying for the exam while working like a slave. This is not the time to have a baby. You won't be able to help, and worse, you'll be so exhausted and busy that you'll completely miss out on the first couple of years. (your senior and manager are not going to send you home before the rest of your team "just" because you have a baby at home.) Your wife will be exhausted and probably resentful, and a lot of couples have trouble with the first few years of public as it is. Adding a baby to the mix - yeeesh. 

Additionally, a baby will never make your wife feel complete or purposeful or whatever. She has to learn how to create that sense of purpose, importance, significance, for herself. A baby won't fill the emptiness she feels; she has to feel whole herself before adding a dependent to the mix. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So your wife's feelings changed, it happens. You offered her a compromise - awesome, and supportive. She's being very unfair threatening to leave you over this. Also very immature. There will always be things that test a marriage, this is one of those things...the good news is there's PLENTY of time for this to be sorted, you're both so young. If she was 34 I'd say she has a point.

Do NOT offer her a puppy or kitten...omg...offering this to a woman desperate for a baby is like waving a red rag to a bull. The ultimate insult.

She needs to explore her desperate need - wanting a baby so that someone will love her unconditionally is not the right reason to have a baby. No baby should be born with a job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing that you might mention the next time she threatens to leave over this is that her leaving will actually mean that she would have to wait longer to get pregnant, but starting a new relationship takes time.... 2, 3, 4 years.

Unless her plan would be to just have a baby all by herself.

I agree with others. There is something much deeper going on.

How long did you date? How long engaged? Could it be that the newness of the relationship and leading up to the wedding gave her some strong emotional feedback, and something to put her emotional energy into. 

But now that the wedding is done.. there is just a long tunnel of nothing new and exciting for her? Sort of a drama queen thing. So having a baby would give her another exciting event for her to dream about?


.


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## abart (Aug 5, 2014)

it's weird she can't wait one more year and wanting to leave, i think you two need to work on your communication plus she needs counseling before any children


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don't cave. Stand your ground.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Hi Acct,
> 
> I'm a public accountant. I see that you are completing a MAcct, and I'm assuming you are doing so because you plan to become a CPA and work in public, at least for a year to get the requisite experience.
> 
> ...


I am a CPA, worked at a Big 4, I wouldn't paint such a gloomy picture as you though lol. It as much depends on your clients, the industry you work in, etc... I can think of only 1 or 2 weekends I worked during my first few years. 

Either way OP, say no to baby :grin2:


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Acct630 said:


> We currently have two cats who are both less than a year old. We got the second a few months back when she originally started feeling like this and it certainly helped but we can't get a third(and I do not want a third cat).
> 
> She knows that I am set on my current date and that I am not willing to give in. She isn't giving me an ultimatum of "we start trying or i'm leaving", she says that she can't wait 6 months and she can't continue to go through this pain and misery...I completely believe that she is hurting, very saddened, and in a lot of pain over this, but I don't believe this is something that she can't wait 6 months for which is why I am not giving in. It's an emotional pain that I don't think I can fully grasp but to me this seems more of "I want this, I have wanted it for some time now, my friends are getting it now so I need it now".
> 
> I think that is narrow minded that I view it like that, but that's why I am here for help and to get a better understanding so that I can help her.


Sure, it's hard to want something and not be able to have it, but it's not an excuse for her to act this way. My husband and I have been trying to have a second baby now for several months and have had a miscarriage, with no viable pregnancy yet. It's emotional and trying, but I wouldn't put that against my husband. We both made the decision to wait until our son was almost 2 years old before we tried for another baby, even though I had baby fever long before that. Baby fever tends to be very irrational, so don't take it personally and stick by your agreement. 

What about her doing volunteer work? 

This 'hole' she feels where she wants someone who needs her will not be filled by her having a baby. It never does and many people find that out the hard way, as they still feel empty even after having a baby. She really needs to see a therapist about that in order for her to feel complete before adding in a little one who can be completely draining. Babies cry, bite, scream, don't sleep, etc. Babies are not easy and will change your life in big ways, especially if your little one ends up having health issues. There are no guarantees that your baby will be perfectly healthy, even with you being young. I had my son at age 23 and my son has Laryngomalacia. He had horrible stridor, chest/neck retractions, cyanosis, and even stopped breathing at 5 months old. A baby will not fix problems, but will exacerbate any problems that already exist.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

If she can't wait one year without beginning to try for a baby, she has deeper problems then being childless. She should fix those before bringing a baby into the world. Does she understand what babies are actually like? Why don't you start babysitting for some family and friends? Once she hits complete exhaustion she wont have enough energy to constantly feel sorry for herself.


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