# Need advice on how to proceed with husband



## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi. I am new here, and searching for help, or others experiences. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 7. We have definitely along the way had our trials. We moved completely away from our families for a great job opportunity when I was 7 months pregnant with our 1st son almost 6 years ago. I got postpartum depression, and also was diagnosed with alopecia. It is an auto immune disease that attacks your hair follicles making them dormant, so I have been bald for 5 years, my hair has slowly started to grow back in over the last year. We have struggled financially since the economy took a ****, had another son, and all the while I have thought we have been a strong couple. I guess I have always worn the pants in the relationship, but hie does when he needs to. As most moms, I have put most of my focus and attention to our kids and raising them the past 6 years. Yes pushing him aside most of the time, but still hopelessly in love with him. In the last year alone we have had a lot of trials. One after another. Our 4 yr old at the time broke his arm, my dad died unexpectedly, then our son broke his arm again. In dec, we bought our 1st house, started huge renovations, and in the middle of all that my husband and I together decided he was going to make a job change. This happened almost 2 months ago. He went from pretty much working by himself all day, not having to answer to anyone, top of his game! Now to management and shop foreman. He is having to deal with people all day, hearing his name all day long, paperwork etc etc all day. My husband is not really that type of person, he likes his alone and down time. And between the job and our new house, he is on overload. I have noticed him changing recently. And then about 2 weeks ago, I asked if we could talk. That led to an all night convo. He is not happy he tells me. He can't express his feelings, which is typical for men. I know. I am so insecure. I don't know what to do help him, or know how he feels about me. We are talking about the man that no matter what always put me first. Always wanted to touch me, kiss me, pull me into the bedroom, but I was always too tired, exhausted from kids. Now going through this, I have realized my faults y not putting him first. I want to know we will be ok. I don't want to push him. Nothing else is different, he's not coming home any later, he says he loves me still he just doesn't know how he is feeling. I explained to him he should have just told me he needed a break from the house. I would have listened and helped him. I just want my husband back. I don't know what I should do. Just go with the flow, and hope he finds his way back to me, and I have to be the strong one now and support him. Do I find ways to respark our love. Get a babysitter, go on a date. We have never done these things. I'm ready to move forward and I told him that and have apologized for my wrongs. I told him the things I need from him so I feel ok through this. Any advice would help. I'm just at a loss right now. And want to save my marriage and help my husband get through all of this, but he won't talk to me. He tries, but he says he doesn't even know what he is feeling.

Thank you


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your thoughts on getting a babysitter and date nights is a GREAT one! Also, pick up the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it together. It really sounds like you two can work this out, but you both need to work on it.

C


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

I actually have that oops I started reading it like 5 years ago just for fun. I don't know if he is ready for all of that. I don't want to push him into feeling something he is not. I am a big overanalyzer and insecure from things in my life long before him. He has always been so good. Perfect...NO. But I don't know when to bring something like that up to him. He is so done "talking" right now. I told him I will be here, but I can't keep feeling rejected when I don't know how you feel, so I need you to come to me.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

it is very difficult to read posts without paragraph breaks. you get more people to respond if you add some spaces to make it more readable.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Sorry about that.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Make that first date in the bedroom. Get some sexy lingerie and tell him what time to meet you in the bedroom. Or greet him in it when he gets home from work if you can arrange that with the kids. If he doesn't know how he feels give him something he can feel. Ask him to undress or you undress him. Give him a pat on the butt or a caress up front and send him in the shower

Wait for him on the bed in the negligee and then ask him if he wants to undress you. 

I guess you can take it from there if not let me know! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

In addition to the bedroom idea, think of ways to give him some alone time over the week to recharge. Maybe send him to another room with a beer to watch the game while you put the kids to bed. Leave him alone for an hour or so, then join him with no expectation of talking. Just cuddle next to him and watch the game. Let him initiate the conversation. another idea is to get him back involved in a hobby or activity that he loved but dropped for your and the kids.

It is not clear from your posts - are you a SAHM or do you also work.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

I am a SAHM. I know he needs a break. I am trying. He loves hunting and fishing, but because of buying the house and all the renovations he didn't get away at all. I have always been good about having him go out and do his hobbies. At the same time, I want to feel appreciated as well. 

Being a SAHM is overwhelming as well. But I know right now, he needs his time. I am trying to get over my insecurities right now of wondering if he wants me still.

I response to taking him to the bedroom, we had AMAZING sex for 4 nights straight last week. We connected so intensely, like we used to before the kids. So I said to him, I know we couldn't connect like that if we weren't still in love with each other. He agreed. 

I just don't know if he is needing me to come to him right now. I have a date night planned for Friday. Kids are spending the night somewhere. Hopefully we can get back to spending time with each other and start putting ourselves first. I know I had a wake up call. And I'm ready to do whatever it takes.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

I guess hiring a baby sitter is a perfect idea. This way you could have enough energy and time to rekindle romance with your husband. Plan a short vacation together. Spend more time with each other and do what you used to do together. Good luck


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

your going to be just fine

Have Fun Always


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Yahoo wish hearing that response would make me feel better, but it's just not. He still WILL NOT talk to me. I don't think he even knows how much I am hurting right now. I'm at a loss. I have been doing what I can do everyday to be there for him, show him how much he means to me, how much I love him, and nothing. He tries I guess, he walks through the door, kisses me, hugs me, but that's it. We had an AMAZING date night on Friday. I thought it would be a great building block. We laughed, were silly with each other, he opened up to me. I pulled up some site I found of conversation starters, I thought we were having fun and being honest. But a couple days later, I mention one of the questions and what his answer was, and he said to me "I DON'T KNOW" I mean, what I am supposed to do without hat. I come to this forum for help, because I am just purely hurt.

I have always tried to have open communication with him. But right now, all I feel is like he has nothing for Me. I just want to scream. We have been having amazing sex almost everyday, but that's it. Why can't he give me something. He is making me fee like I am not important enough to talk to. 

What to do??? Who knows. I guess I have to sit here as his wife and just wait for him to think of my feelings, and what this must be like for me right now. I just don't get it, and that is the most frustrating part. All that goes through my head is, he has met someone else. That has to be the reason he is treating me like this. But he has sworn to me nothing like that has happened. But what is a wife to think if her husband won't talk to her or put forth a little effort into saving our marriage. 

I have these feelings that he doesn't love me as a mom, only his wife. But I can't change nor would change that fact. I love my 2 boys. I love him. But right now, all he is showing me is that he comes home every night. I guess I should take it. Right??!!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

A remodel/move, a job change and death in the family are on the list of the most stressful things couples experience. Any one of these can lead to divorce and you've had all three plus you admit you ignored him. You don't say it specifically, but if you ignored him emotionally for YEARS it may take YEARS to turn him around. He most likely closed himself off to you and got very use to it. Of course he will enjoy the sex but his emotional state is another matter. You are expecting a miracle turn around and its not reasonable given the circumstances.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Insecure wife said:


> Yahoo wish hearing that response would make me feel better, but it's just not. He still WILL NOT talk to me. I don't think he even knows how much I am hurting right now. I'm at a loss. I have been doing what I can do everyday to be there for him, show him how much he means to me, how much I love him, and nothing. He tries I guess, he walks through the door, kisses me, hugs me, but that's it. We had an AMAZING date night on Friday. I thought it would be a great building block. We laughed, were silly with each other, he opened up to me. I pulled up some site I found of conversation starters, I thought we were having fun and being honest. But a couple days later, I mention one of the questions and what his answer was, and he said to me "I DON'T KNOW" I mean, what I am supposed to do without hat. I come to this forum for help, because I am just purely hurt.
> 
> I have always tried to have open communication with him. But right now, all I feel is like he has nothing for Me. I just want to scream. We have been having amazing sex almost everyday, but that's it. Why can't he give me something. He is making me fee like I am not important enough to talk to.
> 
> ...


It sounds like right now, that the sex is what he is able to give. Take it. It means that he isnt totally checked out. I dont believe from your posts that he is being unfaithful, he sounds overwhelmed. I would suggest you just keep being there for him, do small, considerate things for him as you can. Give him some alone time when he first gets home. I think he will come around, especially since you are being open about not being there in the past. It will take time, it took time to get to where you are now...you must have patience. He sounds like a good man, hang in there.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

I know that I neglected him sexually since having children. And I totally take ownership of that. As my thoughts start to wander, and I search aimlessly for help online, I got to thinking today, hey! What about me. Yes, I have a great husband. But let's not forget the years of no appreciation shown, no thank you's, no, what can I do for you honey. I have still done my wifely and motherly duties. He has rarely ever shown me the respect and gratitude I feel I deserve. I have been a good wife. I have supported him tremendously in his career and hobbies. Am I that bad wanting my husband to want to be with his family, to want to show appreciation for the things I do, day in and day out. I am getting to this point now, of yes, I want to work on our marriage, I love him. But I'm sorry, if all he wants to do is think about himself, and make the conscious choice to not work on our marriage, than that is on him. He is a good person,but also very selfish. He always has been. Sleeping in on weekends till 10 am. Never doing anything other than getting up and going to work, to go out of his way to help me. If I ask, yes he does something. But is it really that bad for a wife to want to be told she is appreciated and loved by her husband. I don't know what the future holds at this moment. But right now, I am trying, but it can't be one sided. He has to want to work on it too. He hasn't been perfect. I have admitted my wrong doings, and he has yet to ever apologize for anything. I wish I could talk with him. But for now, I just have to give him space. Thank you for all of your advice. I appreciate it very much. Talking with random strangers is suprisingly helpful.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You've described a slightly different situation with these new details. It always takes two to Tango. If you spend some more time of this forum you'll find that men need consistant sex to connect with their wives. If your husband neglected the marriage he needs to own that and work on it. Your situation is common and can be resolved if both partners want to work on it, but it will take one of you to selflessly initiate that work without placing blame or expecting immediate results. I was that person in my marriage and you might be in yours. My journey took 3 years, but I had to pull my wife through it. Don't expect your husband to read your mind. You must tell him exactly what you need and why. If you can do that well you have a great chance at fixing this. If your expecting him to talk to you like you talk to him you will be frustrated forever. He's a guy.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you so much enginerd. I appreciate your feedback. I am trying to tell him things but at the same time not be pushy. I can totally tell him what I need, but at the same time I need him to be receptive. I have always tried to have open communication with him. I come from multiple divorce, remarry, kids from every branch. So communication is huge to me. I tried calling him at work today just to say hi and I love you. He seemed ok with it. Maybe your view can help me make a decision. For the last month, I have been going back and forth on going to parents house over Easter break. Since all of this happened especially. I have asked what he thinks, and he gives me mixed signals, like he wants me to be here, but he can't tell me. I am now on the decision of leaving on Friday morning to spend Easter with my family, I have siblings going there as well. Sure it will be fun For the kids. But I just don't know if me wanting to give him his space right now is what he wants. Because I've asked, and he won't answer me. Oh yah, it's an 8 hour drive.  thanks


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Insecure wife said:


> pushing him aside most of the time, but still hopelessly in love with him.


That doesn't make sense. Pushing someone aside isn't loving.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Well unfortunately, it happens. Thanks for the advice vermisciousknid.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Insecure wife said:


> Thank you so much enginerd. I appreciate your feedback. I am trying to tell him things but at the same time not be pushy. I can totally tell him what I need, but at the same time I need him to be receptive. I have always tried to have open communication with him. I come from multiple divorce, remarry, kids from every branch. So communication is huge to me. I tried calling him at work today just to say hi and I love you. He seemed ok with it. Maybe your view can help me make a decision. For the last month, I have been going back and forth on going to parents house over Easter break. Since all of this happened especially. I have asked what he thinks, and he gives me mixed signals, like he wants me to be here, but he can't tell me. I am now on the decision of leaving on Friday morning to spend Easter with my family, I have siblings going there as well. Sure it will be fun For the kids. But I just don't know if me wanting to give him his space right now is what he wants. Because I've asked, and he won't answer me. Oh yah, it's an 8 hour drive.  thanks



I would go see your family. Both you and your kids probably need it. Don't make it a big deal. Tell him you love him, invite him if that's an option and go. If he has a problem with this he's out of line. I don't enjoy spending time with my wife's family, but I encourage my wife to go anytime she needs it. However an 8 hour drive is a long haul with kids so be careful. Hopefully you have a good car and a AAA card.


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Yah, I decided I am going to ask him tonight, I actually think it will be nice for us all to go. Things have been getting a little better the past couple of days. So I've decided to be positive, and stop over thinking. Love my husband, and we will slowly together become a better unit. I know he loves me and loves our family. He wouldn't still be here if he didn't. It's time to get back to basics  thank you


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## LadybugGirl (Mar 19, 2013)

IW: reading your post is like my life...I know what you are feeling. Only my H slowly shut down from me . Been together 17 yrs; married 16. H has anxiety and I suspect possible depression; we been through a lot this past winter which made things worse: illness, death of our dog, I was injured in accident, deaths of friends. I need more love and attention to cope; H says thats life; move on and pulls away or lives on damn cellphone. I suspected EA or PA. Insecurity thru the roof at times of rejection.
H is self employed and stressed everyday. Talks all day, then almost silent at home. Geez, the dog gets more love and attention! I tryto speak up, tell him I was angry/sad/hurt-H either dismisses me or says I am too emotional. I try to give him space, then I'm ignoring him I'm told. I bury my feelings of sadness from being alone, rejected because I hate how utterly low I feel sometimes.
Then it's like the H I married is back: joking, things are light and easy; not tense or akward; we have good talks. I have my hopes up: maybe tonight? Nope, another rejection and my self worth bottoms out. Enter deep freeze again. I give up trying. I am FULL of resentment, anger, sarcasm. I am tense and so frustrated! I often feel like the single parent doing it all: household, child, work, dogs--if he walks I know I can do it. It's a scary thought to have someone seem like they are checking out. Taking care of my own business is not enough. I love and want my H. I feel like a yo-yo. 
H refuses IC or MC. I go to IC when I feel overwhelmed with stress or grief.
The forum here has been helpful; a lot of insight from people who have been where we are. I too am searching for how to make it work, make it better. 
Starting focussing on myself, but the doubt is there. If I focus on me, am I pushing him further away? But I see if I hold on to him tighter, it's worse.
Trying one day at a time. Let go of expectations and comparisons. Stop over analyzing and actually do things different. Resist the urge to step into his conflict.
Trying to understand this happened to us over time; it will take time to heal. 
Have faith. Be open to give love. Will it work? I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Yes focus on yourself. We are all responsable for our own happiness


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## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

Well,he walked out this weekend, and took a lot of his clothes, hunting wear and guns. My boys and I went to some fair in the morning on Saturday. Before we left he started just crying uncontrollably. I tried to console him, he just wanted me to go, I told him I loved him and that I was scared to walk out that door out of fear you won't be here when I get home. I told him I love him, then left. 

Had a fun time with my boys, drove to my sisters house, and on the way there, talked to my mom. She called him, he didn't answer at first but then called her back and opened up to her. Told her he just needs some space to process all the thoughts and feelings. He was open with her, he trusts my mom, doesn't have a good relationship with his own.

I finally came home around 3:30, to find him gone, no note, nothing. Freaked out obviously. Called my family. Can't breath, just in pure shock. But trying to keep it together for the sake of my children.

Checked our house phone records, found a number, called it, girl answers. Freak out! He ends up calling me later from a different number, he doesn't have a cell, and speaks in a kind tone, tells me he is sorry for not leaving a note. He is at his coworkers house and he will be home on Monday night to talk about everything. 

Sunday morning, end up calling a mutual friend, that works with him. She tells me he has been having lunch with this girl at work for the past few weeks. She is almost positive it is not a physical thing. Oh yah, he promised me the night before there is not another girl, to please get that out of my head, if there was I would of already told you.

So there's a lot more that happened, I called the girls number and told her to back off, apparently she is known for going after married men and is a huge flirt, small town we live in and he works in. I told her I was going to fight for husband, we have 8 years invested with each other. Etc etc. she text me back saying she isn't doing anything with him, the only time they see each other is at work. But I found out from house phone records, that in the past couple of weeks, he has called her randomly while I was not by his side. Like quick 30 sec, 15 sec phone calls. 

She tells me that he called her yesterday because he was upset. Now, emotional cheating counts for me. I don't believe in it. Because that is where things lead to. 

I found some strength in myself after calling her. But at the same time still nervous about talking tonight. I hope he got his feelings and his space worked out and is ready to come home and work on his marriage, himself, family. But all of this behavior is so not my husband for the last month or so, so I don't know what to expect. 

Everyone but him, is saying its the new job, the friend that is his coworker, she is like a mom to us, says he has become ****y at work like he runs the place with this new position. He says he loves his new job.

so we will see what happens today. I'm trying to be strong, but fearful, hurt, angry. I will let him talk, and I will listen at first. Because he does need to open up. And I will go from there. 

Our 5 1/2 year old is really feeling this. And it is breaking my heart the little soft spoken comments he has been making. Our 3 yr old is too young to understand right now, but the older one is hurting. He thinks his daddy is hunting, but he has seen me the past days, he told me as I was putting him in bed last night giving him kisses.. " kiss for mommy, kiss for daddy, kiss for bro bro, and a big kiss for our family" then he asked for a big hug for our whole family. As I was hugging him, he whispered in my ear, "that's what I wished for today at the airport, I wished for our family" how heartbreaking. 

So I just feel like my husband could of handled this all better. So we shall see what happens.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's probably a good time to seek out some help in the Coping With Infidelity forum. I'm really sorry you're going through this.


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