# I want to save my marriage



## MrsSki (Nov 10, 2015)

Story in a nutshell:

Husband and I together for 10 years before marriage and married for over 12; together for 22+ years. We were happy. We had our normal ups and downs (nothing major) but we were "that" couple. The couple that friends would envy--we held hands in public, we kissed, we said "I love you" frequently and always. I literally had friends say that they wanted our relationship. 
Fast-forward to a few months ago when we had a major argument because I questioned his whereabouts. (Not because I was suspicious (at the time), but because I feel it's common courtesy to let me know if he's not going to be home when he says he will!) We worked it out but he still made little remarks like "Oh, I have to let mommy know where I'm going" etc. About a month ago he made one of these comments and I said "WTF? Enough is enough. If there's someone else, go be with her already." He said there was no one but said that he would like that option if it became available. I was dumbfounded! When I suggested that we talk, he said he didn't have anything to say and that he was moving into a friends basement until we figure things out. :surprise:
It's been exactly one month that he took most of his belongings and we talk very little. He claims he doesn't want to be under a microscope and wants to come and go as he pleases without reporting to anyone. He accepts full responsibility for his stupidity and takes blame but isn't budging. 
I want to make this work. Our good times outweigh the bad times by a million. We have so much vested in this marriage and I want to reconcile...am I completely stupid for wanting this?  How can I make him see that this isn't an option.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Curious since this is under the "Coping with Infidelity" section, has there actually been infidelity that you are aware of (either while he was living with you or during this past month)?


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## MrsSki (Nov 10, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Curious since this is under the "Coping with Infidelity" section, has there actually been infidelity that you are aware of (either while he was living with you or during this past month)?


None that I can confirm but since he said that he'd like that option, I'm assuming that he has or will. (should I have posted it elsewhere? Sorry!)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsSki said:


> None that I can confirm but since he said that he'd like that option, I'm assuming that he has or will. (should I have posted it elsewhere? Sorry!)


Let's assume there has been infidelity, are you still willing to try and reconcile?


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## MrsSki (Nov 10, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Let's assume there has been infidelity, are you still willing to try and reconcile?


Yes! I honestly believe that I could/would. We've been through so much together and I'd never abandon him. :|


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Oh, he's cheating. No doubt about it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MrsSki said:


> Yes! I honestly believe that I could/would. We've been through so much together and *I'd never abandon him.* :|


He's already abandoned you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think you should start assuming......

His initial indignation when you asked where he was combined with the out-of-left field statement he made sure screams cheater-talk to me.

So are you certain infidelity, at least back to the time of his first odd statement isn't a deal-breaker? That's your call. But before you start jumping up and down that you can survive this most likely betrayal, you need to find out what is going on. 
Check your finances, is all your money accounted for.
Check your cellphone records
Check FB/email or anything you can

And go get an STD test for your own person safety.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sorry, but his behavior strongly points to him already being in an A. It would be wise for you to assume that.

But even in the unlikely event he isn't, he's disrespecting you by crossing reasonable marital boundaries and that's something you shouldn't accept.

The onus is on *him* to want to save the marriage. You shouldn't let him just waltz back in without him being totally committed, accountable for his time, and transparent going forward. You have nothing to apologize for based on what you wrote.

In the mean time, you might want to do some surveillance on him. While he's not around, a PI would be advisable if you can afford it. You need to know what you'd be trying to forgive.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He's your husband and should want you to know where and with whom he is with. Not like a child reporting to mommy but as a man reassuring his woman that he's ok and is not off galivanting. After 22 years together, for him to just want to move out, you're right to suspect something. With such a long history, he owes you more than he's giving but it can't be forced. 

It's time for you to do a 180 and work on yourself. Start exercising and upping your look, (clothes, hair, ETC). Men are more visual than woman. When he sees you getting hotter and pulling away, the fog that he's under will clear. If not, you'll be preparing yourself for a man that will appreciate a good woman.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsSki said:


> None that I can confirm but since he said that he'd like that option, I'm assuming that he has or will. (should I have posted it elsewhere? Sorry!)


Sadly I think you are in the right forum.

He is either cheating on you or, as you suspect, is seriously considering it.

Put the rest of his stuff in the basement or the shed.


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## MrsSki (Nov 10, 2015)

No cell phone records come to the house- they are paid by his company.
I have access to all bank accounts and everything is accounted for- even today.
He never had and still does not have social media. (He hates that!) 
Never seen anything on email.
Up until the day he left the house, we were together most every night so any relationship he did have, couldn't have been much of a relationship! 

I'm not naïve. I do realize that he could have been or could be having an A (that's why it's posted in this section!) but I don't have proof therefore, I'm just assuming! 

I do honestly believe that he loves me and only me and whatever is going on, we'd get through it. I just need to know what my next step should be. I thoroughly believe that he's having a crisis of some sort (mid-life or some PTSD symptoms) but he won't get help. *that's why I say I won't abandon him--something is wrong!*


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Then you need to sleuth.
Get some voice activated recorders (VAR). Getting one in his car would be great and keep the other with you.

Or you hire a PI to follow him. 
Does he use a computer at home?

You'd be surprised how resourceful a determined cheater can be.
And if we're all wrong, he is having some sort of crisis that would warrant getting him checked by an MD.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsSki said:


> No cell phone records come to the house- they are paid by his company.
> I have access to all bank accounts and everything is accounted for- even today.
> *He never had and still does not have social media.* (He hates that!)
> Never seen anything on email.
> ...


*In as far as you are aware...*


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## MrsSki (Nov 10, 2015)

jsmart said:


> It's time for you to do a 180 and work on yourself. Start exercising and upping your look, (clothes, hair, ETC). Men are more visual than woman. When he sees you getting hotter and pulling away, the fog that he's under will clear. If not, you'll be preparing yourself for a man that will appreciate a good woman.


and if he doesn't see me, how will he notice?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MrsSki said:


> I'm not naïve. I do realize that he could have been or could be having an A (that's why it's posted in this section!) but I don't have proof therefore, I'm just assuming!


MrsSki,

A lot of posters here have advised on hundreds of cheating threads; as well as experienced infidelity first hand. And I think that most will tell you that although it's possible your husband is the rare exception; men don't typically leave their wives under these circumstances - unless they're cheating.

So assume on. You have every reason to.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MrsSki said:


> and if he doesn't see me, how will he notice?


I tend to agree with you that the 180 will do nothing here. He's already moved out. And most of the actual benefit of the 180 is to help a dependent (or a co-dependent) spouse to detach from an otherwise unhealthy relationship. Sometimes a spouse will notice, most often they don't.

What does tend to get a spouse's attention is divorce papers. I know, I know, you said you want to save your marriage. Filing doesn't mean you have to go through with it. But often when one spouse sees in print everything they are about to give up, they realize they don't really want to lose it. Perhaps a formal separation agreement to make sure you are ok financially will help wake him up.

The other sad aspect of this kind of behavior is that there is simply no way to control what another human thinks or feels.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

MrsSki said:


> None that I can confirm but * he said that he'd like that option, I'm assuming that he has or will. * (should I have posted it elsewhere? Sorry!)


That is a safe bet. Nobody says they'd like to have the option of cheating whilst being faithful. LOL.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If it isn't adultery it is the mother of all passive aggressive moma boy "it's my ball I'm going home", "this will teach her" response. 

How would you describe his personality? 

You may be in panic/denial/rescue mode right now. If he does come back be prepared for a 180 mood swing on your part. A month or so there was a male poster who's wife flipped out when he questioned her conduct. He demand to have assess to her phone. She refused, he responded I want full transparency or a divorce. One of last post indicated she was in a new home, assets split, still not talking to him for questioning her integrity and still no firm proof of another man. 

his wife and your husband both need to grow up,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsSki said:


> and if he doesn't see me, how will he notice?


People will tell him!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I do think a nice letter of separation from an attorney is a smart move.

A letter from you telling him that his behavior is unacceptable, that you feel he has abandoned the you, the marriage and family.

That you want a formal separation in place and you will give him a few weeks to decide if he wants to have an open, honest discussion about what he is going through.

Also let him know if he does not want to have that discussion with you to let you know so you can file for divorce.

Take control. Only give him enough rope to hang himself.

He does need to grow up. Just do not let him do it on your time.

HM


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If we look at this rationally what options do you actually have? You do not want to D. The 180 would have dubious effectiveness since he is practically ignoring you now. There are really only two avenues of progress that I can see. My first recommendation is to meet with him and sit down and discuss what has actually happened. Tell him that after 22 years together that you deserve at least that. If he is so lacking in character to honestly discuss it with you then I doubt he can be persuaded by any reasonable means.

That leaves the final option which is to D. It may not be what you want but your wants may not be a concern to him presently as would be evidenced by his unwillingness to explain what has actually happened to spur his current behavior. It is highly probable that he is either seeing someone or has someone lined up to see. For him to walk out on a 22 year relationship over one seemingly minor incident is highly unlikely which would indicate that there is either someone else or that the problems in your relationship are much larger and numerous than you are aware or admitting to here.

In any event, you cannot R alone, he must be willing to R also and he does not seem so inclined at this time. I regret that you find yourself in this situation and wish you strength and good fortune.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

MrsSki said:


> None that I can confirm but since he said that he'd like that option, I'm assuming that he has or will. (should I have posted it elsewhere? Sorry!)


This is almost exactly what happened to me 2 months before I found out my husband was cheating. We got in a fight, he way overreacted and said he wanted to move out, it was over. I begged and made a damn fool of myself for weeks. Then I found out he had been cheating for a year and boy did the tables turn. Anyway, this type of behaviour is not only immature and childish but reeks of infidelity. I'm so sorry.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> This is almost exactly what happened to me 2 months before I found out my husband was cheating. We got in a fight, he way overreacted and said he wanted to move out, it was over. I begged and made a damn fool of myself for weeks. Then I found out he had been cheating for a year and boy did the tables turn. Anyway, this type of behaviour is not only immature and childish but reeks of infidelity. I'm so sorry.


Sorry, meant to add that I understand you are concerned about him. But you must recognized that he has fired you from your position as his companion and helper and, when necessary, caretaker. The only thing that will shock him to his senses (and help him seek help for what he's going through, if it's anything more than immaturity mixed with selfishness) is strong, decisive action. File for divorce, for the sake of all involved.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Agree with everyone else. No one in their right mind would walk out over an argument like that unless they were looking for an out. I think he is already seeing someone else.

Sorry you are here.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

He has probably been cheating already given the red flags you uncovered and his reaction.....but even if he hasn't, his demands are complete bullsh*t.

I would refuse to accept it.....I know you said you would forgive, and there is nothing wrong with that if you really want to.

But you can't reconcile with a person who is either actively cheating or says he wants to....he has ZERO of the remorse for his sh*tty behavior that would make R possible.

I think you should tell him, that under his conditions you have no desire to remain M to him....then expose his behavior and demands to both your families and file for D.

Either he gets his head out of his own a**, or you will be better off getting rid of him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsSki,

Do the two of you have children? If so, what are their ages?

Do you have a job outside the home? Or are you a SAHM?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> MrsSki,
> 
> Do the two of you have children? If so, what are their ages?
> 
> Do you have a job outside the home? Or are you a SAHM?


Wondered about children also.

I am so very sorry OP that your husband has moved out.

What happens when you call him?

Have you contacted any of his family members?

What does he do for a living? You?

I am so very sorry for your broken heart.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry Mrs Ski, this is rough.

Your H is treating you very badly and is either cheating or in a midlife crisis. He is not honorable if he will not tell you what is going on, he fights then leaves like a coward. You should be angry right now, because regardless of problems in a marriage there are certain things a spouse should not do and this is one of them. You should not chase after him, beg or plead. Treat him like the teenager he is behaving like and go dark on him. i know your heart is breaking and you want to run after him, DONT!

No calls, no emails, nothing. If you do have to communicate do so in very official terms and only via email 
Let all your family/friends know what he has done and explain to them that he never told you why (let him live down the shame)
do things for yourself, get into your work, gym, go out with friends, etc Live your life as if he is not coming back (check out the 180)
you have to emotionally detach for yourself, to protect your heart, confide in close friends/family
get IC for yourself to help you deal with the emotions and look at your own behaviour in the marriage
i would suggest you do some sleuthing to see if he is cheating
go get a consultation from a lawyer as to what the outcome would be if you divorced
heck sign up D papers while you are at it, you dont have to file ...yet

Remember we teach people how to respect us and treat us, he is treating you terribly, don't let him do it, fight back and show him you are not to be cast aside as his whims and fancy as you are valuable as a wife.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@MrsSki how are you doing?


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