# When it’s over, it’s just over, right?



## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

Peace all, 

I’m writing this in hopes of getting confirmation on what I believe is the end of my 6 year marriage. 

My husband and I have been separated for 6 months. I told him at the beginning of the separation that I wanted out of the marriage. I feel that we are incompatible. We have other issues on our relationship that *could* possibly be resolved with a lot of work. However at the basis I feel that we are not right for each other and never will be. 

Anyway, he has gone through a large range of emotions since I shared this with him. He asked me to move out, I did. I moved back to my home state. We have successfully been sharing time with our young daughter across state lines and for that I am hopeful for the future.

Last month I visited with him and our daughter at our old home (big mistake, we were not ready for what I was pushing for) and eventually our nice visit erupted into a day of him verbally abusing me and locking me out of the house. After all of this we got to a better place and I was sure that I was ready to file the paperwork. 

I was sure that I wanted a divorce but couldn’t bring myself to file papers until I knew that he was ready. Well during my visit we had honest conversations and I was 100% sure I was ready to file them. After returning back to my home state, he now is asking for another chance. He’s saying he will move wherever and do whatever I need him to do. He’s pushed me back into a space where I feel like he is not ready. He’s very sad and I feel terrible for him. But my feelings have not changed. 

What does it mean that I seem to need his approval to get this divorce? I’m sure that it’s what I want. I just can’t seem to deal with the guilt that I am crushing him. 

If it’s over, it’s just over right? No matter how he feels?


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

Take it slow. You two should start dating. You don't have to make up your mind in 6 months, or a year or two years. This is a marriage and you have a child together. 

Show him that you won't tolerate the emotional abuse and keep in touch with him to make sure he is taking strides to get anger under control. If he is truly willing to do that then nothing in the world should stop you two from working it out. 

Make it clear you're looking for lasting change and maybe he'll surprise you. 

PS: I have a thread on this forum as well, could you please add your thoughts to that one in return for my reply. I'd be very interested to hear your advice since I am in a similar situation (on the other side of it obviously).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you do not need his consent, cooperation or buy-in to get a divorce. 

It is easier and less hassle and less expense if everyone can agree and work together. 

But if you both agreed on things and were able to work together and cooperate, then you'd probably be together and happily married and not separated and wanting a divorce in the first place. 

I think the advice columnist Ann Landers had the best formula for trying to decide if divorce was warranted or not and that was - "Are you better off with her/him or better off without him/her?"

I think in the end that is what it boils down to. Will your life and well-being be better off if you divorce or will you be better off without him?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

2morosanewday said:


> Peace all,
> 
> I’m writing this in hopes of getting confirmation on what I believe is the end of my 6 year marriage.
> 
> ...


Yep its over why drag it ouany longer.

He asked you to move out,then when you came back to visit he locked you out of the house.

Its time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I think in the end that is what it boils down to. Will your life and well-being be better off if you divorce or will you be better off without him?


And only you can make that determination. Strangers on the internet can not make that determination and neither can he.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

As a wise friend once told me: This is not something you are going to decide together.

Having said that, only you can answer the question as to what it means that you are unable to pull the trigger. Hurting someone for what you may perceive as selfish reasons is not easy for most people. He is fighting because he does not want it to end. What he is not considering is that your coming back to him under duress will never produce a happy marriage.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

“I think the advice columnist Ann Landers had the best formula for trying to decide if divorce was warranted or not and that was - "Are you better off with her/him or better off without him/her?"

In my heart of hearts I feel that I will be better off without him, that my emotional well being especially would be better without him as my husband. I’m young and I find myself questioning this so much, like can I really know this for sure?


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

NickyT said:


> As a wise friend once told me: This is not something you are going to decide together.
> 
> Having said that, only you can answer the question as to what it means that you are unable to pull the trigger. Hurting someone for what you may perceive as selfish reasons is not easy for most people. He is fighting because he does not want it to end. What he is not considering is that your coming back to him under duress will never produce a happy marriage.


You’re so right.. we are not going to agree that this divorce is for the best, I need to let that sink in. 😔
And he is certainly not considering that. I honestly don’t think that happiness is anything that he is concerned about or striving for which is why he just wants me to say yes and figure out the rest later.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You bandied the expression, "I am/was 100% sure I want to file [for divorce]".

Your math is way off.

Your math depends on his formulae, his calculations more then yours.
You cannot solve your equation until he gives you his resultant value.
You then plug that value into yours.

Uh, that is closer to 50%, maybe sure.

Your practical brain says to divorce him.
Your heart loves the guy. Does not want to leave him. Wants to reconcile, wants to hold this man tight to yourself.

Those are two equal variables that you possess and are using.
As I see it, you are at 25%, for sure.

Has he been dating since your separation? Have you?

I suspect he has tried and has come to the conclusion that you have more intrinsic worth than some of the other women he sampled.
He realizes he cannot subtract you from his life. The end [loss] amount is too dear, for him Dear.

I think he may be keeping you in reserve, in case his adventures turn up huge deficits in romance.

The ball is in his court. You likely have more love for him than he for you.

And I hope his balls are not up for grabs while he makes up his mind.

Give this relationship time....another six months, tops.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

A new year is upon us and this is where we get to take stock of what has gone, a year past you were in a relationship that you didn't care too much for, a relationship that was not fulfilling to you and probably your husband also, he may not have realised this yet but he will, the anger he feels is the anger i felt when my wife left me 6 months ago, the trauma of separation is vile and hard to stomach, but like everything else in life it is temporary, a new start in life is fantastic but it is not without it's costs, both of you will suffer in many ways but the end is the end, he will realise it is time to move on, maybe not as readily as you have but it will come and then both of you can put feelings of hostility behind you and concentrate on your daughters future happiness.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your situation but without a lot more info its very difficult to give relevant advice. Generic advice would be to leave - it seems to be the easiest option but actually leaving is not as easy as it may seem for many.

What is the background to your marriage ? How old are the two of you ? Big age difference ? Cultural difference ? How did you meet ? How long together before marriage ? Was the marriage supported or frowned on by both sides of the families ? What was the one main problem between the two of you ? Did each of you date much (with others) before marrying ?

See ... a lot of info needed to get a better picture.

Take care.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

2morosanewday said:


> “I think the advice columnist Ann Landers had the best formula for trying to decide if divorce was warranted or not and that was - "Are you better off with her/him or better off without him/her?"
> 
> In my heart of hearts I feel that I will be better off without him, that my emotional well being especially would be better without him as my husband. I’m young and I find myself questioning this so much, like can I really know this for sure?


You haven't mentioned your young child's interest in this. What is best for your child? That's your biggest responsibility.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NickyT said:


> As a wise friend once told me: This is not something you are going to decide together.


This is indeed very wise. 

If you two decided it could be worked out, you'd be together.

If you two decided to divorce, you'd be divorced by now. 

You are obviously not going to agree on anything so you have to do what you have to do regardless if everyone agrees with it or not. 

If you ask 10 different people, you are going to get 10 different answers. 

Just remember, you are the only one that you have to live with 24/7 forever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Maybe one of the first things you should do is determine if being with him is toxic or detrimental to your well-being or not. 

If there is violence (either towards you or your child) meaness, alcoholism/drug abuse, infidelity, chronic neglect or abandonment, chronic hostility/resentment/bitterness, chronic insults/put downs/verbal abuse etc etc, those are all things that make you worse off than if you were on your own. 

If you are worse off being with someone than being on your own, then you really need to evaluate why you are with them at all.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

2morosanewday said:


> Peace all,
> 
> I’m writing this in hopes of getting confirmation on what I believe is the end of my 6 year marriage.
> 
> ...


While it's possible that two inherently incompatible people might marry, it's extremely rare. How someone feels about their marriage is all dependent on whether they're experiencing positive or negative events within it. Think of it like stock market prices. With good events their perception of it goes up, and with bad events it goes down. Enough bad events make you think that it was the biggest mistake of your life, when in reality, all you need is for the downward curve to stop. With enough good events, you'll fall in love again.

I recommend that you read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will guide you through rebuilding your marriage, and making it better than it ever has been before. If you and your husband apply the knowledge gained, then you will be able keep your marriage on an upward curve, and thereby stay in love.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You bandied the expression, "I am/was 100% sure I want to file [for divorce]".
> 
> Your math is way off.
> 
> ...


Okay I'm not 100% sure.. that is part of the reason I am posting. I'm curious, are you saying that the ball is in his court because I am considering his feelings more than my own? As far as his balls are concerned, I couldn't care less at this point.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

KevinZX said:


> A new year is upon us and this is where we get to take stock of what has gone, a year past you were in a relationship that you didn't care too much for, a relationship that was not fulfilling to you and probably your husband also, he may not have realised this yet but he will, the anger he feels is the anger i felt when my wife left me 6 months ago, the trauma of separation is vile and hard to stomach, but like everything else in life it is temporary, a new start in life is fantastic but it is not without it's costs, both of you will suffer in many ways but the end is the end, he will realise it is time to move on, maybe not as readily as you have but it will come and then both of you can put feelings of hostility behind you and concentrate on your daughters future happiness.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


I couldn't agree more


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Sorry to hear of your situation but without a lot more info its very difficult to give relevant advice. Generic advice would be to leave - it seems to be the easiest option but actually leaving is not as easy as it may seem for many.
> 
> What is the background to your marriage ? How old are the two of you ? Big age difference ? Cultural difference ? How did you meet ? How long together before marriage ? Was the marriage supported or frowned on by both sides of the families ? What was the one main problem between the two of you ? Did each of you date much (with others) before marrying ?
> 
> ...


I get that more infomation would be helpful, I also feel that it would complicate the conversation. Basically what I'm trying to get at is, if I believe it's over, is it best to leave.. because staying could cause much more pain in the end. If I have the deep feeling that I should let him go to find someone who will love him and want to be with him, then should I do that for both of our sakes?


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

FalCod said:


> You haven't mentioned your young child's interest in this. What is best for your child? That's your biggest responsibility.


If I knew for certain what was best for her then I would do that. Regardless of whether me and her Dad stay together, taking care of my emotional and mental health is whats best for her.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

BioFury said:


> While it's possible that two inherently incompatible people might marry, it's extremely rare. How someone feels about their marriage is all dependent on whether they're experiencing positive or negative events within it. Think of it like stock market prices. With good events their perception of it goes up, and with bad events it goes down. Enough bad events make you think that it was the biggest mistake of your life, when in reality, all you need is for the downward curve to stop. With enough good events, you'll fall in love again.
> 
> I recommend that you read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will guide you through rebuilding your marriage, and making it better than it ever has been before. If you and your husband apply the knowledge gained, then you will be able keep your marriage on an upward curve, and thereby stay in love.


Thanks I will give it a read. Even as I'm typing that I feel like I would read it out of obligation. Not because I actually want to make things work. Which brings me back to this feeling that if I have quit on the marriage I should simply let him go. It's confusing. And thank you for the suggestion.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

2morosanewday said:


> Thanks I will give it a read. Even as I'm typing that I feel like I would read it out of obligation. Not because I actually want to make things work. Which brings me back to this feeling that if I have quit on the marriage I should simply let him go. It's confusing. And thank you for the suggestion.


It doesn't sound to me like you've truly quit.

"His Needs Her Needs" is an eye-opening book and a very easy read.

What's explained in there will work like a charm if you have two committed partners who don't suffer from personality disorders.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

ReturntoZero said:


> It doesn't sound to me like you've truly quit.
> 
> "His Needs Her Needs" is an eye-opening book and a very easy read.
> 
> What's explained in there will work like a charm if you have two committed partners who don't suffer from personality disorders.


Okay I will suggest it to him as well.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

why not giving it another chance? he is willing to change or to do the necessary steps to work it out. you won't find a "perfect" spouse. marriage IS work. and when he is truly willing...why not. 
give him one year for true changes. counseling and therapy is a MUST. like some one already said...he may surprise you. if not, you still can file.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below




2morosanewday said:


> . Basically what I'm trying to get at is, if I believe it's over, is it best to leave.
> 
> *That kind of depends on what your beliefs are based on. There are people that believe in UFOs, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster etc etc Our beliefs are not always our reality.
> 
> ...


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop playing cruel games with this man. You decided to leave. You've already crushed him. You chose to abandon the marriage instead of working together to fix it. I don't know if this was the right choice or not, but you made it.

Now you are wishy washy about your choice and leave him in a grey area of mixed messages and false hope. 

What I'm seeing is not concern for his well being, it's you keeping your options open.


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> why not giving it another chance? he is willing to change or to do the necessary steps to work it out. you won't find a "perfect" spouse. marriage IS work. and when he is truly willing...why not.
> give him one year for true changes. counseling and therapy is a MUST. like some one already said...he may surprise you. if not, you still can file.


I really dont feel like we are right for one another. I dont feel he has the capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. The way we show love, the way we communicate is so different, and I have felt like my light is dimmer with him. I own some of that because I followed his lead and spent so much time supporting his needs, that I completely neglected my own. And he allowed me to do all that as well. Plus there's resentment due to the fact that NOW he says he will do whatever.. after years of not meeting me halfway on certain issues that bothered me emotionally. And I ended up running out of steam. I just don't get why now he wants to work hard and make it work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

2morosanewday said:


> Okay I'm not 100% sure.. that is part of the reason I am posting. I'm curious, are you saying that the ball is in his court because I am considering his feelings more than my own? As far as his balls are concerned, I couldn't care less at this point.


On his balls....
You have no concern?
That says it all.

Then get divorced.
...................................................................................

When a wife......
Cares not about her man's balls and his bat.
Where they have been, how many hits his bat has 'swung'.

Then she is no longer his wife. She is gone, She is a stranger to him.
....................................................................................


What is the answer? Today's answer.

If he can 'reprove' himself, re-mold himself to you; win you back, you will overlook the past?
Overlook, never look for his score sheet, games played while separated?

...................................................................................

Would you, in the end...
In the end, be delighted if you two re-united. In flesh, in spirit?

..................................................................................

If I had a magic wand, if I told you I could bring him around, back to 'fully' loving you...
Would you, would you, Dear? 

Would you ask me?
Would you, Dear?

The Typist-


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Responses in bold below


Loud and clear


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

Yes I could overlook anything that has transpired over the separation.. except maybe a child. And if it were possible for us to be reunited in flesh and spirit then yes I would want that.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

2morosanewday said:


> Thanks I will give it a read. Even as I'm typing that I feel like I would read it out of obligation. Not because I actually want to make things work. Which brings me back to this feeling that if I have quit on the marriage I should simply let him go. It's confusing. And thank you for the suggestion.


Wanting to quit something difficult is natural. But it's the difficult things that give the greatest rewards. You married this man for a reason. Think back on your courtship and first years as newly weds, and see if you can remember why you fell in love with him.

Read those two books, and have your husband read them as well, and he will learn how to meet your most important emotional needs.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

2morosanewday said:


> Yes I could overlook anything that has transpired over the separation.. except maybe a child. And if it were possible for us to be reunited in flesh and spirit then yes I would want that.



did you guys read the book the 5 love languages and the book the 4 seasons of marriage?


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## 2morosanewday (Jan 1, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> did you guys read the book the 5 love languages and the book the 4 seasons of marriage?


No we have not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

2morosanewday said:


> Yes I could overlook anything that has transpired over the separation.. except maybe a child. And if it were possible for us to be reunited in flesh and spirit then yes I would want that.


Ah!

What a lucky man he is.
......................................................................

When you meet him face to face..
Take both of your hands, put one on each ear, lightly.

Press your nose against his.

Tell him, "If you want our marriage to work, or bodies to rejoin, you must re-commit to me, now, on your knees."
"Get down on your knees and pledge your love and your life to me."

Tell him he gets a second chance because you love him. But you fear him. You fear his loyalty.

Tell him this, and get back to us.

Good luck, Dear..

The Typist- only he could write this.
.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are unlikely to get his agreement to a divorce so you will have to go ahead without it if you really want out. But do you? You're obviously the only one who can answer that question. 

You want him to make this easy for you and he's not going to. So it's up to you to take the step -- one way or the other.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I can understand your need for an amicable divorce. That's what I'm getting out of your OP...you don't want to hurt him but it's going to happen. It's like a band-aid. Do you rip it off slow or fast?

It sounds like you love him but then again don't anymore. It's very hard....even more so for him. 

Be kind....which usually involves honesty.


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## KC7NOA (Dec 31, 2017)

2morosanewday said:


> I really dont feel like we are right for one another. I dont feel he has the capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. The way we show love, the way we communicate is so different, and I have felt like my light is dimmer with him. I own some of that because I followed his lead and spent so much time supporting his needs, that I completely neglected my own. And he allowed me to do all that as well. Plus there's resentment due to the fact that NOW he says he will do whatever.. after years of not meeting me halfway on certain issues that bothered me emotionally. And I ended up running out of steam. I just don't get why now he wants to work hard and make it work.



I can shed some light here ....

Because i did it ....

Im a creature of habit ... if you made the relationship good for him while it was crap for you ..... he wont see it. You needed to let him know it was ****ty when it was for you .... every time. You needed to let him know what you needed and if you didn't know what you needed then how would he? Hardly any man is a wonderful perfect mate and can see the shifts of needs.

When you *both* know there is a breakdown in the marriage --- and hopefully you both want things to be better .... that's where the divorce clock starts in my opinion ....


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

2morosanewday said:


> Okay I will suggest it to him as well.


It's cheap on Amazon. Buy it and SEND it to him.

See if he asks you what's up?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

2morosanewday said:


> I really dont feel like we are right for one another. I dont feel he has the capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. The way we show love, the way we communicate is so different, and I have felt like my light is dimmer with him. I own some of that because I followed his lead and spent so much time supporting his needs, that I completely neglected my own. And he allowed me to do all that as well. Plus there's resentment due to the fact that NOW he says he will do whatever.. after years of not meeting me halfway on certain issues that bothered me emotionally. And I ended up running out of steam. I just don't get why now he wants to work hard and make it work.


Change is scary. He got used to any previous complaints you may have had about the marriage because you didn't take any action before. Or maybe you stewed in silence and he never realized things were bad for you.

Now he says he wants to work hard and make it work because he sees the end of his familiar life and a yawning chasm of the unknown. He wants to hold on to what he had, the supportive wife who put his needs before her own. That's much easier than going out and dating again, which requires a lot of effort. But would he make the necessary changes to make a marriage that's good for both of you, or would he just pay lip service to get you to stay?

If communication and ways you show love are so different, then the Love Languages book could be a very useful read for both of you, for many reasons. For him, he needs to understand that he has not been communicating love to you, and he must internalize this and learn to do so. Maybe he will. If he gets lazy and resists reading it, or does read it but doesn't implement anything, you have your answer about his sincerity, and you can leave him with fewer doubts.

And it will help you, because you will also understand him better if you stay together, and will understand yourself better and your own needs in any subsequent future relationships, if you don't stay together.

Right now though, you are just waiting for his approval of the breakup to alleviate your guilt at initiating it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

2morosanewday said:


> I get that more infomation would be helpful, I also feel that it would complicate the conversation. Basically what I'm trying to get at is, if I believe it's over, is it best to leave.. because staying could cause much more pain in the end. If I have the deep feeling that I should let him go to find someone who will love him and want to be with him, then should I do that for both of our sakes?


It never is that simple and without additional information it would be impossible to answer your question. However, when someone says "I should let him go to find someone who will love him and want to be with him", it often really means "I have found someone (or more than one person) who would be a better replacement for him and I would like to pursue that". I am not saying this is the case here but without background info its impossible to answer. You already have had some excellent responses her especially from @oldshirt .

What I am now getting (and without the benefit of anything other than what you have said here) is that you are asking if there is an easy way to let him go while you move on with your plans (and yes, it does sound that you already have plans drawn up and are ready to go - him, not so much).

You should leave him asap and the best that you can do is be totally honest with him - do not lie, bull$h!t or sugar coat - tell him the truth - that is what is in his best interests if that is what you care about.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> It never is that simple and without additional information it would be impossible to answer your question. However, when someone says "I should let him go to find someone who will love him and want to be with him", it often really means "I have found someone (or more than one person) who would be a better replacement for him and I would like to pursue that". I am not saying this is the case here but without background info its impossible to answer. You already have had some excellent responses her especially from @oldshirt .
> 
> What I am now getting (and without the benefit of anything other than what you have said here) is that you are asking if there is an easy way to let him go while you move on with your plans (and yes, it does sound that you already have plans drawn up and are ready to go - him, not so much).
> 
> You should leave him asap and the best that you can do is be totally honest with him - do not lie, bull$h!t or sugar coat - tell him the truth - that is what is in his best interests if that is what you care about.


I'm reading the same thing.

If you're worried about hurting him, then don't go.

If you're set to go, you're going to hurt him. And, you likely never will know what could have happened had you actually really made an effort.

If you're ok living with that, then hit the road.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

To recover a M, both have to be 110% all-in. If not.... months / years wasted, not to mention tons 

of resentment. Lil story.... my parents were "re-treads." They M in '66, D 30 days later (no lie),

and re-M in '68. Whatever happened in '66 (I know what happened), the M had to end.

Even though they still loved each other. They took time apart to work on things. NYE '67.... pop

called mom. Well... rest is history. In addition..... my current g/f, her parents are re-treads as well.

Not sure exactly on the years but they D around '06 (M roughly same time my parents did),

wasn't a year later, they "kinda started talking." Anyway... they got re-hitched.

Point is.....a D is a death blow to the M, but it's not a forever "thou shalt not"

If you feel you are ready to walk..... file for D. Most states now have a year wait for it to finalize.

During that time..... learn and grow. But still stay in contact. Might be surprised at what happens.....

From your posts, the old M has to die because you can not remain in it. The new M...... you seem to be

willing to leave the door open. 

Was there any cheating in the M?
Was there any abuse in the M?
When you were not happy with M, did you sit down calmly and explain why? Reason why I ask.... many.....many females explain they are not happy in a nagging way (my XW did). That is the quickest way to get the guy to shut down. If a female tries to tell her guy in a calm way, and he doesn't seem to listen.... grab his damn ears..... let him know what you are verbalizing. Some guys aren't the best listeners....... some, not all.


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