# Walk Away Wife-- here is where I am at



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Some of you may recall that I got the ILYBINILWY speech a couple of weeks ago. 3 days later, in MC, wife said it is over, she checked out, etc.

That was a Thursday. I spent that weekend at my mom and step dads and came home that Sunday. Had some hard and painful talks. 

She says we dont have that spark and she is convinced there is no way to get it back. She says she loves me deeply and wishes more than anything that she did have it; I am a great father, husband, etc, it just is not there for her. 

So her is where I am:

Living at home, met w/ lawyer last week and getting ready to file. She is sorry for the pain and hurt and breaking my heart-- I forgave her unconditionally. 

The last 10 or so days we have gotten along better than in probably 8 years. Laughs and jokes, playful banter. She cant believe how supportive I am, but I do love her and am fully aware that I cannot TALK her out of her feelings, so just trying to make her comfortable and glad to be around me. (Before, I would let resentments make me gloomy, mopy and unpleasant to be around-- now I am focused and light-hearted, but honest). 

I am going to borrow retainer $$ from my step dad to file probably by the end of the week. She does not have the resources to do so and I am fully understanding of both our unhappiness in the prev marriage. 

I know maybe some here would see this as making it to easy on her and I am probably not doing everything RIGHT as far as getting my marriage back. But I know she likes me right now more than she did 3 weeks ago. She has even agreed to a sexual encounter since our last one was on my bday-- I did guilt her into that but in a joking way. 

Last night on the phone I heard her talking to her SIL about what is going on and she said that I am amazing. 

My difficulty is still the things that make me happy. I went to church for the first time in years last sunday-- by myself. I think that can give me strength. Going out friday night w a friend. But I need more and not sure what it is that I want, what would make me happy. Something new. Something old. Not sure. I am working out too. 

Just wanted to vent but any suggestions are welcome. Id especially love to hear what kinds of hobbies/interests others have grown into when in this situation-- knowing it is time to work on you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good job on not being needy/clingy. Maybe that will bring back the spark. Regardless, detaching is a good way to move forward.

For myself, I had been married so long I had to think back about the things I always dreamed of doing in high school and college. Some things I still wanted to do but I also had to reconcile that I had changed over the years so there had to be some internal discovery as well.

I always liked the idea of helping people help themselves and I liked DIY stuff which I always helped my Dad and my ex with. So I packed up my toolbox and hardhat and showed up on the job site at Habitat one Saturday and really enjoyed it.

I really enjoyed music and art - I have lost a lot of musical skills so instead finished a sketch half done all of these years in my portfolio. 

I made a New Year's Resolution to visit two new places a month. Cultural venue, outside activity, restaurant... just something new. Still need to do the hot air balloon and parasailing.  Lots of cultural things still to do uptown. 

It's really a time for rediscovery. You're still some of who you were but there's a new you to sort of merge into the old you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> I know maybe some here would see this as making it to easy on her and I am probably not doing everything RIGHT as far as getting my marriage back. But I know she likes me right now more than she did 3 weeks ago. She has even agreed to a sexual encounter since our last one was on my bday-- I did guilt her into that but in a joking way.


Stop the sex. You need to detach and this is not helping.



> Just wanted to vent but any suggestions are welcome. Id especially love to hear what kinds of hobbies/interests others have grown into when in this situation-- knowing it is time to work on you.


Stuff that gets you out of the house and meeting people. A class at the community college to learn a language, or a men's sports league or something that has you out and about interacting with others.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TAG has great ideas.

Have you ever thought about learning to play an instrument? I'd look into getting lessons. 

I used to play the violin and piano. In my middle age I'd like to pick music back up again. An acoustic guitar or cello, or both may be in my near future...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think her happiness is related to the fact that there is less uncertainty now. Less pressure. There is a direction, and a light at the end of the tunnel...divorcing you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Of course she can't believe how supportive you are being. She thinks you guys are on the same page now. That you are OK with the divorce. That you guys a just friends now, and you are supporting her through her tough times as a friend would. It amazes her that you are able to be her friend without any hurt or anything because if you had done to her what she did to you, she'd be absolutly devistated. Are you still providing financial support for her?


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I think her happiness is related to the fact that there is less uncertainty now. Less pressure. There is a direction, and a light at the end of the tunnel...divorcing you.


yeah thanks for that. very helpful. I already got that. Ive accepted it. I know I am supposed to be a complete d*ck to her according to many on here, but Im not playing games. 

And TAG, I totally understand the concern, but Im going to take the sex too if she offers it up. If she can do that then I know she is not repulsed by me. Plus I want it and honestly, I am fully able to move forward. Id rather we move forward together, but I can handle it. If there is another dynamic going on that doesnt involve concerns over MY detachment, let me know. 

I like the ideas of hot air balloons, visiting 2 new places a month, sports league (hard to find one if you dont have a team put together but i will look). Instruments is interesting but I sure have no talent for that nor art. Maybe cooking class and if I could find a good creative writing workshop would definitely do that-- but I havent yet.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Of course she can't believe how supportive you are being. She thinks you guys are on the same page now. That you are OK with the divorce. That you guys a just friends now, and you are supporting her through her tough times as a friend would. It amazes her that you are able to be her friend without any hurt or anything because if you had done to her what she did to you, she'd be absolutly devistated. Are you still providing financial support for her?


Yeah, some things I am. She got her haird done last night and had to pay for it herself. 

Thing is, I CAN completely cut her off but she would starve. she has already lost about 8 pounds or so and is down to nearly 100 lbs and doesnt look healthy at all. 

Other thing is, believe it or not, I am dictating the terms of the divorce. Yes, she wants it so she is agreeing, but keep in mind she is allowing my lawyer to write up the terms and we have a home buyout and child support involved. Fact is, this is in my best interest anyway. I feel like there is going to be a day, when she is in her apt and I am doing my own thing, when she might see what she did. That may not happen but it very well may. 

We have talked about the friends thing, and though I am supportive I never tell her I am her friend or allow that. I am sure she thinks it, cause she has said it. She also knows that I am not ok with the divorce, but I am ok with her being able to have a safe and good place. I could NOT file and force her to file when she can get $$, etc, but then she would 

--be resentful and even less happy--we have a lot of unhappiness on both our parts already in this marriage

--more firm in her stance, instead of opening up and actually joking about dating when she moves out-- and if you know your spouse you know when they actually consider the idea

--have a lawyer-- which would cause serious issues for me


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> And TAG, I totally understand the concern, but Im going to take the sex too if she offers it up. If she can do that then I know she is not repulsed by me. Plus I want it and honestly, I am fully able to move forward. Id rather we move forward together, but I can handle it. If there is another dynamic going on that doesnt involve concerns over MY detachment, let me know.


You have been on this board any number of times trying to get her to stay with you. Yet now, just like that, you are fine with everything and able to separate sex from any emotional intimacy with her? Color me unconvinced.

My point is be careful and take care of you. She no longer wants that job, so it is all on you. Plus, I think a little distance from you may show her what she is giving up.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The thing about a lesson, whether its cooking or music, learning a new language or even art, is that you can LEARN it and develop a talent where you didn't have one before.

If you aren't interested, that's understandable. I just wouldn't discount something because you think you won't be good at it. You never know.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> I know maybe some here would see this as making it to easy on her and *I am probably not doing everything RIGHT as far as getting my marriage back*. But I know she likes me right now more than she did 3 weeks ago. She has even agreed to a sexual encounter since our last one was on my bday-- *I did guilt her into that but in a joking way*.
> 
> Last night on the phone I heard her talking to her SIL about what is going on and she said that I am amazing.





Mo42 said:


> yeah thanks for that. very helpful. I already got that. Ive accepted it. I know I am supposed to be a complete d*ck to her according to many on here, but Im not playing games.
> 
> And TAG, I totally understand the concern, but Im going to take the sex too if she offers it up. If she can do that then I know she is not repulsed by me. Plus I want it and honestly, *I am fully able to move forward. Id rather we move forward together, but I can handle it*. If there is another dynamic going on that doesnt involve concerns over MY detachment, let me know.
> 
> I like the ideas of hot air balloons, visiting 2 new places a month, sports league (hard to find one if you dont have a team put together but i will look). Instruments is interesting but I sure have no talent for that nor art. Maybe cooking class and if I could find a good creative writing workshop would definitely do that-- but I havent yet.


So are you trying to repair your marriage, or move on?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

For what it's worth... sex muddies the waters. It's too intimate. How do you detach from a woman you're in love with if you're still MAKING love to her? It's not possible IMO.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> We have talked about the friends thing, and though I am supportive I never tell her I am her friend or allow that. I am sure she thinks it, cause she has said it. She also knows that I am not ok with the divorce, but I am ok with her being able to have a safe and good place. I could NOT file and force her to file when she can get $$, etc, but then she would
> 
> --be resentful and even less happy--we have a lot of unhappiness on both our parts already in this marriage
> 
> ...


I am sure she still thinks you are just friends because your actions scream it to her. They are also telling her that she can keep you on a string here, and you will keep taking care of her.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> For what it's worth... sex muddies the waters. It's too intimate. How do you detach from a woman you're in love with if you're still MAKING love to her? It's not possible IMO.


I hope it muddles the waters for her. I have learned in the last week to embrace my feelings and have already accepted there will be a lot of pain when she is gone. I will be a better person for it, but in the mean time I am going to try to get along better with her, be a more interesting and fun person for her to be around, and yes, have fun in bed with her probably one last time. 

Frankly, before she uttered the D word for real in MC, I may have felt a little desparate. I am in fact not dependent on her, but can still enjoy her. Ill color you unconvinced but I know it is true. When I told my buddy about this last friday, after about 10 mins of conversation, he realized I am ok and said (he has known me 20+ years): "does she even realize you have this trait about you that you can just go forward and not even be fazed by this?"

Sorry if you disagree. Thanks for all the ideas on hobbies/interests though.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mo42 said:


> Amp-- I am in the same place. Two weeks ago, my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY and we first talked about divorce (7.5 yrs married, children ages 2&5). Three days after that, a Thursday in MC, she said she is done. Told the therapist and myself it is over.
> 
> I spent that weekend at my mom and step dads, just 10 mins away. She was w/ the kids. I did come over friday and we talked, she cried. she said she wants more than anything to feel 'sparks' but she does not believe she ever can again. i came home that sunday.
> 
> ...


Mo, I moved your request from my thread in Reconciliation as I would like to keep that thread as a journal. Not a Dear Abby. 

You are at a cross roads. Whether to be patient and wait it out or to move forward with filing and moving on. Probably with the hope that it will shock her back into working on the marriage. Both have possibilities but also their own risks.

Eighteen months after D-day I finally managed to understand the EA and kill it. At that time my wife said many of the things you are hearing now. I can't emotionally connect to you anymore, once it's gone, it's gone....... Today we are in a very loving marriage, committed and connected. My journey was different as there was an EA involved but I am sure my wife was a walk away before that ever began, she just didn't act on it.

When a spouse disconnects patience and waiting can have an impact but in the end they need a push to get off the fence. Once the EA was over I stepped back from her, giving her time to get past her resentment towards me and her grieving for him. I made no attempts to "rekindle" anything. No sexual advances, no dates, no deep discussions and very little physical intimacy. I restarted my hobby of furniture building. I built a small piece for her, something she had been looking for in store but unable to find. Then I concentrated on other pieces for the house, kids, my parents... I took my focus off of her and into working on projects in my shop and myself in my head. I was pleasant with her but a bit aloof. While she as doing what ever in the house she could hear me working away on something in the shop, focused and content. I never said I love you although she knew it. I never brought "us" up even though I was dying to. I never let it show how much I was hurting.

Six months later I told her we needed to talk. We discussed that the relationship had stabilized but was not a marriage. I understood that she was still disconnected but we needed to find ways to get that back. And that even though there was no conflict sooner or later one of us would decide it wasn't enough. She opened up a bit and made some suggestions of what might help. I made my own and we restarted our sex life, dating, spending time and increased our physical touch. Eight months later she said the words that she had so long ago forgotten how to say. "I love you."

In the end, patience had a lot to do with stabilizing the marriage but consequences provided the push to improve it. Is now the time for you to file? I don't know. I blundered through this just as everyone does. My gut feel is to leave it on the table as a possibility but that you are not ready to quit on it yet. Continue your personal growth, be the best father you can be and show some independence of her. Others will argue the point, but sometimes they do come back. Good luck.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Ok Sam Yeagar, give me your suggestions. I get that she thinks we are still friends. I am about to get divorced. Do you see my reasons for being a good person to her or are you just blinded by the rage for you have for your own STBXW? 

I dont hate my wife, she KNOWS i love her as much more than friends, but at this point we are in a better place. I know I have much to work on. She is set on divorce and I get it. Thing is, she doesnt have a lawyer and I do. 

Why would I upset that or the fact that we actually laugh, joke, smile, talk openly? 

So go ahead with your suggestions. What worked for you and how long did it take before your WAW came begging to come home?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> I hope it muddles the waters for her. I have learned in the last week to embrace my feelings and have already accepted there will be a lot of pain when she is gone. I will be a better person for it, but in the mean time I am going to try to get along better with her, be a more interesting and fun person for her to be around, and yes, have fun in bed with her probably one last time.
> 
> Frankly, before she uttered the D word for real in MC, I may have felt a little desparate. I am in fact not dependent on her, but can still enjoy her. Ill color you unconvinced but I know it is true. When I told my buddy about this last friday, after about 10 mins of conversation, he realized I am ok and said (he has known me 20+ years): "does she even realize you have this trait about you that you can just go forward and not even be fazed by this?"
> 
> Sorry if you disagree. Thanks for all the ideas on hobbies/interests though.



I see a slight flaw. If having sex muddied any water for her, you wouldn't have gotten the ILYBINILWY speech. She's fine with being intimate with you and enjoying you in the same way you describe you enjoy her. Not fazed one bit.

What do you do with that? I'm sure she sees that you are in fact moving in the same direction and are on the same page. She's getting what she wants and that makes her happy.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> Ok Sam Yeagar, give me your suggestions. I get that she thinks we are still friends. I am about to get divorced. Do you see my reasons for being a good person to her or are you just blinded by the rage for you have for your own STBXW?
> 
> I dont hate my wife, she KNOWS i love her as much more than friends, but at this point we are in a better place. I know I have much to work on. She is set on divorce and I get it. Thing is, she doesnt have a lawyer and I do.
> 
> ...


She is, and has been my ex wife for almost two years now. I tried all the same things you have. Geting along, making it easier for her, because I was just like you. I didn't hate her, I liked her. It was like a huge pressure had been lifted from both of us when the decision was made. We laughed, got along, had dinner together as a family. I had the lawyer when she didn't. I wanted to be nice and fair and not screw her over. I supported her and the kids completely.

Once she started to realize that I was moving on, and my definition of friendship in this situation did not match hers in that I was no longer hanging on her every want, that I was not going to be living next door and come running if the furnace broke, her tune started to change, and things got ugly.

I think a big part of the reason things are ugly now is because I tried to go the friends route in the beginning and didn't pull away from the start. That in fact, my behaviour gave her an unrealistic expectation of what to expect. The mess we are in now is a direct result of how I handled things, and if I had been more direct and less Mary Poppins, sending mixed signals in the beginning, we would be a lot farther along in the geting along process than we are.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Mo, I moved your request from my thread in Reconciliation as I would like to keep that thread as a journal. Not a Dear Abby.
> 
> You are at a cross roads. Whether to be patient and wait it out or to move forward with filing and moving on. Probably with the hope that it will shock her back into working on the marriage. Both have possibilities but also their own risks.
> 
> ...


Amp-- thanks much. I am going to be more detached towards her then, but I need to make sure she knows it is not b/c I am angry with her for wanting this. 

Is furniture hard to make? What would I need to make a piece of furniture? Could I do it in an unfinished basement (plenty of space down there...)


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mo42 said:


> Amp-- thanks much. I am going to be more detached towards her then, but I need to make sure she knows it is not b/c I am angry with her for wanting this.
> 
> Is furniture hard to make? What would I need to make a piece of furniture? Could I do it in an unfinished basement (plenty of space down there...)


You can appear reserved and aloof without being angry. If she appears to be down ask if something is wrong. If she won't talk say fine, let me know if I can help. Don't bring up the marriage, let her do that. You can enjoy her company and joke around, just don't keep going back to the relationship issues. Be cordial and independent.

Building furniture takes some investment in money and time. The type of hobby isn't of importance. Just do something to keep your mind off of the situation and show her you have other things to do.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Yeah, I am not being angry at all. Quite honestly, I am in a better mood than I remember being in a long time. We do talk about the relationship but it is her and I am there. Maybe I should say we should talk about other stuff? Or just listen?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> Yeah, I am not being angry at all. Quite honestly, I am in a better mood than I remember being in a long time. We do talk about the relationship but it is her and I am there. Maybe I should say we should talk about other stuff? Or just listen?


During conversation, a lot of people miss what the other is saying because they are thinking about how they want to respond. So consider just listening to what she has to say without trying to respond. Clarifying questions are okay ("when you said X, what do you mean", etc.), but otherwise just listen and try and understand.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> During conversation, a lot of people miss what the other is saying because they are thinking about how they want to respond. So consider just listening to what she has to say without trying to respond. Clarifying questions are okay ("when you said X, what do you mean", etc.), but otherwise just listen and try and understand.


Yes, I have been doing that ALOT the last 10 days. Asking her to explain her statements to find out exactly what she means. I get it now and I take responsibility for my part in taking us to this place. Maybe I am making it too easy on her but I feel like I have to let her go and by initiating and setting it up she is seeing how real it is getting. 

We may not ever get together again like we were when we got married, but at least I have learned something and am definitely ready to grow as a person. 

I just need encouragement every once in awhile.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

I am pretty certain we will get divorced but strangely feel like after we are apart there is a real chance she will miss me. 

By that point I cannot say for sure how I will feel. I dont know. I have a gut feeling that is what is going to happen.


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## Underground66 (Oct 22, 2013)

Mo42,

Just my two cents for what it's worth. If you think she is going to miss you and then come running back, what will you do if she doesn't? When she finds another guy, will you still be friends?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Underground66 said:


> Mo42,
> 
> Just my two cents for what it's worth. If you think she is going to miss you and then come running back, what will you do if she doesn't? When she finds another guy, will you still be friends?


I would also be concerned with the fact that this is now the new norm. They are friends. He is her emotional and financial support without the obligation of marriage. What happens when that changes? I am not sure that the reality has really sunk in for him yet. I know he keeps saying it has, but it almost seems like he feels this is just a phase and that she will end up coming around. I know it is possible that it will, but after going through it myself, and reading countless other stories with almost zero success rate...It's going to be tough because the roller coaster is just starting up that first hill.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Since you got the ILYBNILWY speech, have you checked to see if she has a "special friend?"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

karole said:


> Since you got the ILYBNILWY speech, have you checked to see if she has a "special friend?"


I think he has considered that and ruled it out because that would not be like her at all. They are friends, and friends wouldn't do that to each other.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> I think he has considered that and ruled it out because that would not be like her at all. They are friends, and friends wouldn't do that to each other.


In that case, sorry I brought it up............................

Mo, you really should do some checking


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Quote from Hotel Chevalier

Her: "Whatever happens at the end, I don’t wanna lose you as a friend."
Him: "I promise I will never be your friend. Ever."

My view is your best bet at happiness - married or otherwise - is to adopt the above as your mantra. She wants to pursue her own happiness. Sucks for you, but that's what she's chosen. There is an Eat Pray Love female empowerment fantasy at play that can't compete with. 

However you are enabling it and going to make it miserable for yourself down the line in the way that samyeagar well articulated.

The primary benefit of marriage for a woman is security. She doesn't want marriage. Fine. She gives up security. 

She won't like it. Tough for her.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I think he has considered that and ruled it out because that would not be like her at all. They are friends, and friends wouldn't do that to each other.


LOL


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I think a big part of the reason things are ugly now is because I tried to go the friends route in the beginning and didn't pull away from the start. That in fact, my behaviour gave her an unrealistic expectation of what to expect. The mess we are in now is a direct result of how I handled things, and if I had been more direct and less Mary Poppins, sending mixed signals in the beginning, we would be a lot farther along in the geting along process than we are. _

On the other hand things may have gotten ugly immediately if you had pulled away immediately. It simply sounds like her new life wasn't what she expected and she's taking it out on you, which is a common theme on these threads.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

BWBill said:


> _I think a big part of the reason things are ugly now is because I tried to go the friends route in the beginning and didn't pull away from the start. That in fact, my behaviour gave her an unrealistic expectation of what to expect. The mess we are in now is a direct result of how I handled things, and if I had been more direct and less Mary Poppins, sending mixed signals in the beginning, we would be a lot farther along in the geting along process than we are. _
> 
> On the other hand things may have gotten ugly immediately if you had pulled away immediately. It simply sounds like her new life wasn't what she expected and she's taking it out on you, which is a common theme on these threads.


Thats just it, I am sure they would have, and in retrospect, I think it would have been better that way. I would have wasted a whole lot less material and emotional resources, and we'd be a year further down the line as far as becoming amicable.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

So basically right now, she wins. She is enjoying some of the perks of being a wife; except, she is free to flirt around with no consequences. 

All it takes is ONE conversation with another man, and sadly, you are history. Do not set yourself up for that--you wont even see it coming. 

If you want to be her friend, then have at it. But if you want your girl back--the woman that use to love you--you need to cut her off COMPLETELY and reap her of the benefits of a married woman. I know you love this woman, and even if the spark came back tomorrow, it still would not last. You need this woman to sincerely miss your presence for her to feel something for you. Until then, you are a friend. From husband to friend.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Mo, you are the one extreme end on the Nice Guy scale.

I wonder how bad this will end.

I wonder why you are not in the CWI section, or at least looking for OM/OW.

It may be she is now in Super Fog, the one where hubby is fully supportive of living like a dream in Paradise.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The Unconcious Happy Cuckold that is...


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I think he has considered that and ruled it out because that would not be like her at all. They are friends, and friends wouldn't do that to each other.


I did a lot more than consider it, I looked into it including VAR, phone records, checking FB, etc. 

She is frankly lost. There is NOTHING there. 

You're contribution to this thread Yeagar is simply to distract and misread based on your own experience. 

We are going to be cordial for the kids, but I have made it clear unless there is a marriage going forward, we wont be FRIENDS. 

This is a valiant and successful attempt on your part to be a complete a$$ though. 

The other end of this situation is that even though on many days I am ready to move on and have my own, better life, I am not going to kick her out or cut her off completely until after the D. I have several very good reasons for this, but namely the fact that she has agreed to let my lawyer write up the papers, and she has agreed to every financial proposition so far, gives me good reason to NOT rock the boat too much. 

So yes, I would like to get our marriage back, but if it ISNT coming back, I need at the same time to protect myself and she is going along with the things that I would be able to do to do that. 

As far as the 'ill be friends with you forever' thing, I told her that isnt happening.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Underground66 said:


> Mo42,
> 
> Just my two cents for what it's worth. If you think she is going to miss you and then come running back, what will you do if she doesn't? When she finds another guy, will you still be friends?


I am fully capable of detaching completely, other than dealing with the kids. I dont NEED her to come running back. 

I dont need her at all, but I dont need her upset either b/c I am about to file and after 90 days the decree will become law-- so far she has no lawyer and we are agreeing on all items, notably the financial issues.

So I have 90 tenuous days of working on myself, not knowing if she will change her mind, and at the same time keeping things nice so she doesnt flip and decide to start going after some things in the D.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> I did a lot more than consider it, I looked into it including VAR, phone records, checking FB, etc.
> 
> She is frankly lost. There is NOTHING there.
> 
> ...


My contribution to this thread is based on personal experience and extensive research. Your story is almost verbatim what I went through, and what countless other men have gone through. There is nothing special or different with you.

I understand where you are coming from though. Like you, I also said and felt pretty much the same things you have. Saying the words that you really think it's over, but not really believing it subconsciously. How things will end differently for you than the vast majority of others.

I honestly do hope you turn out to be that one in a million exception because it is not a pleasant ride down the road that almost everyone else has gone down. Sort of like pulling off a bandaid...like most of us, you are choosing to pull it off nice and slowly. If I had it to do all over again, I rip it off quickly and be done with it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This whole scene sounds like a rerun of another poster on here named Garry. The stories are so similar it's eerie.

At the end, they did divorce. At the end he did find a burner phone and evidence of another man. She was a SAHM too. She had to get a job, and when she did, she suddenly found her own representation and slammed him in spite of how nice he tried to treat her.

I really hope what happened to Garry doesn't happen to you Mo. I think that enough people on here have seen it go down in a really bad way and are trying to be helpful, but you have your own path to forge here. Good luck to you.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> My contribution to this thread is based on personal experience and extensive research. Your story is almost verbatim what I went through, and what countless other men have gone through. There is nothing special or different with you.
> 
> I understand where you are coming from though. Like you, I also said and felt pretty much the same things you have. Saying the words that you really think it's over, but not really believing it subconsciously. How things will end differently for you than the vast majority of others.
> 
> I honestly do hope you turn out to be that one in a million exception because it is not a pleasant ride down the road that almost everyone else has gone down. Sort of like pulling off a bandaid...like most of us, you are choosing to pull it off nice and slowly. If I had it to do all over again, I rip it off quickly and be done with it.


So you are suggesting i kick her out of the house? That indicates to me that you are not actually reading the thread. 

I get the -- you need to detach, cut her off, etc-- thing. I am quite certain we will divorce. About 99%. Nothing sub consious about it. Im just saying I have a feeling in 6-12 months there might be a change in feelings on her part, by then Im sure I will have completely moved on. 

The reason I am not being a d*ck is b/c at this point she is going along with ALL the financials of a divorce. Call it friends or whatever, but I need this for long term financial preservation. I need this to keep my home and to be able to go forward and get myself in a better place financially. (My wife is NOT good with $$, she didnt contribute a dime to our significant expenses (namely cross country move) b/c she could not save). 

She has to get a job to get her own place and I am hopeful her fear of supporting herself financially will keepher from using that $$ for a lawyer. She is actually very positive about using my lawyer and knows we do not have a lot to fight over but I am trying to limit my financial ties to her long term. 

In any case I could go on and on, but I am very much wanting her to go with what we have worked out. NO ONE has even told her to get her own lawyer when she told them what we were doing. There is one person I am worried about and that is the MC which she is going to continue to see, starting tomorrow.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> This whole scene sounds like a rerun of another poster on here named Garry. The stories are so similar it's eerie.
> 
> At the end, they did divorce. At the end he did find a burner phone and evidence of another man. She was a SAHM too. She had to get a job, and when she did, she suddenly found her own representation and slammed him in spite of how nice he tried to treat her.
> 
> I really hope what happened to Garry doesn't happen to you Mo. I think that enough people on here have seen it go down in a really bad way and are trying to be helpful, but you have your own path to forge here. Good luck to you.


If I am nice about this, there is a CHANCE that could happen. 

If I am an a$$ to her, it is guaranteed to happen. 

So is your advice to cut her off now, kick her out, and make sure it happens? 

Her family will not help her with the financial piece of this b/c they think she is making a mistake and they like me, but if I start getting nasty, they will change course and she will have every resource and more importantly every REASON to make this worse.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mo42 said:


> So you are suggesting i kick her out of the house? That indicates to me that you are not actually reading the thread.
> 
> I get the -- you need to detach, cut her off, etc-- thing. I am quite certain we will divorce. About 99%. Nothing sub consious about it. Im just saying I have a feeling in 6-12 months there might be a change in feelings on her part, by then Im sure I will have completely moved on.
> 
> ...


So everything you're doing now is really to protect what little assets you have...not in any way save the marriage?:scratchhead: 
You have indeed completely detached with the intent on moving on with your life... Is this a correct assumption? I kind of understand being nice and acting as a friend, but why have sex with her? That seems selfishly cold and calculated if you've decided to move forward with your life IMO.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> If I am nice about this, there is a CHANCE that could happen.
> 
> If I am an a$$ to her, it is guaranteed to happen.
> 
> ...


All I'm saying is Garry said and thought the same thing you are. And her family LOVED him too! Then they turned on him. 

Nobody can tell you what to do Mo. You have to go about this the way you see fit. I hope it is as amicable as you envision it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Here is a link to Garry's original thread, in case you want to do some late night reading:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera.../57504-wifes-midlife-crisis-what-do-i-do.html


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My ex didn't have a lawyer either. Didn't see the need for one. We agreed in principle on every point. She wasn't even going to ask for alimony. Was HORRIBLE with money as well. SAHM, no job. Sound familiar? I gave her about 90% of my paycheck to live on through the process. Helped out with the kids, helped out around the house. Then her tune started to change once the papers were actually filed four months after we separated. She suddenly wasn't so sure about it, started to realize she was going to have difficulty making ends meet. She hired an attorney and went for my throat.

Also remember that in many places, unless explicity said in the divorce agreement, that it IS modifiable after the fact. She could hire an attorney and go back to court once she realizes how tough it's going to be financially, AFTER the divorce is final.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> My ex didn't have a lawyer either. Didn't see the need for one. We agreed in principle on every point. She wasn't even going to ask for alimony. Was HORRIBLE with money as well. SAHM, no job. Sound familiar? I gave her about 90% of my paycheck to live on through the process. Helped out with the kids, helped out around the house. Then her tune started to change once the papers were actually filed four months after we separated. She suddenly wasn't so sure about it, started to realize she was going to have difficulty making ends meet. She hired an attorney and went for my throat.
> 
> Also remember that in many places, unless explicity said in the divorce agreement, that it IS modifiable after the fact. She could hire an attorney and go back to court once she realizes how tough it's going to be financially, AFTER the divorce is final.


So, again I ask you, do I be as much of an @$$hole to her now to make sure this happens? 

We have another dynamic here and our families are VERY close, devasted about her decision and frankly not understanding of it. She very much wants this to go as well as possible to avoid future issues with people she really cares about, namely her own father. 

The only concern I have at this point is her appt tomorrow with the lady that WAS our MC.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Mo42 said:


> So, again I ask you, do I be as much of an @$$hole to her now to make sure this happens?
> 
> We have another dynamic here and our families are VERY close, devasted about her decision and frankly not understanding of it. She very much wants this to go as well as possible to avoid future issues with people she really cares about, namely her own father.
> 
> The only concern I have at this point is her appt tomorrow with the lady that WAS our MC.


My X and I agreed to all points too...then, over the course of a few weeks, and as expected, her friends got in her head to "get all she can". Then she hired a lawyer (we agreed not too), and he fought for all she can get. Be careful...people change when it comes to money. My atty (a woman) told me it is very common for the woman to freak out because they dont want to be broke after the divorce...mine did.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Mo, with all this experienced advice coming at you I think if you're moving forward with your life it needs to be a clean break; having sex with her only exacerbates the situation...when/if she wakes up to the legal/financial ramifications of not wanting to be married anymore, she's really going to go after you based on what I'm reading from the others on here.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> My X and I agreed to all points too...then, over the course of a few weeks, and as expected, her friends got in her head to "get all she can". Then she hired a lawyer (we agreed not too), and he fought for all she can get. Be careful...people change when it comes to money. My atty (a woman) told me it is very common for the woman to freak out because they dont want to be broke after the divorce...mine did.


She got off the phone one night last week with her mom, tearing up. I could hear the interrogation going on. My first thought was, she still hasnt told her to get a lawyer. 

I told my wife the day after she said she wanted a D and would split custody, let me buy her out of the house, and so on, that a lawyer would tell her something very different. She said she doesnt care. 

Do you think she doesnt talk to her friends? She has talked to dozens of them and I talked to 3 personally-- most of her friends are more concerned about me but 'there' for her. Her uncle asked her if she had a lawyer and she said she cannot afford it and then said, look who we are talking about here (meaning me). And he said, yeah. 

I understand your concern and am very keen on signs now, keeping in contact with her, seeing where her head is. I am watching for this stuff. I will probably be out with her brother and dad this Friday night. She knows this whole thing will be easier if we work it out and go through with it-- but if anything funny happens I am still documenting (she is terrified I will change my mind and go after full custody).

If she gets a lawyer, I will go after full custody and that alone will make her nuts.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

I really did start this thread to lay out where I am at-- though it changes daily still-- and to get some ideas from others about things to do outside the home. I have spent 10 years focusing on taking care of her and kids and in that time I suppressed my own interests to the point that I am not really sure WHAT I like to do.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

^ Well, for starters, going out with her brother and dad are not ideal of things you should be doing to help yourself. 

From your actions from everything you have posted, it is being implied here that you want this woman to hopefully not leave you, whether you express otherwise. So therefore, there are no ideas for you because at the end of the day = you are hanging out with her family and taking care of her/having sex. 

She is leaving you; therefore, you need to man up and be done with it and whatever you lose, then you lose. You move on and better yourself. You think you have this all planned in your head but you have NO idea what your wife is really thinking and you haven't for a while now. 

There are numerous cases of people having a change of heart and more people have a change of heart than do one's that don't. You could be doing all this petty BS and then get it all thrown into your face in the end. Do you really want her to bang you out like that and be the last one laughing? No. 

There's even other cases where spouses filing for a dissolution of marriage agree on 'what' to file as the reasoning and then when it comes to filing, the other one changes their mind and files for reasons they did not agree upon. 

What you are doing could possibly work, but if your SBXW gets her head out of her ass, you will end up losing more than just money and stuff - your pride.. your self respect.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In retrospect, one of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking that I knew the woman who was my then wife. After spending so long with her, one would think I knew her. Well, that was a mistake that should have been obvious from the start...I didn't see the separation and divorce coming like it did, so why in hell would I have thought I knew her?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Some posters have managed to get a sweet divorce deal by following your strategy. Maybe HardtoDetach, but I am not certain. So yes, it can work the way you hope. However, many discover that things can be difficult during divorce.

Your strategy, as Bagdon pointed out, is not a strategy that is likely to improve your chances of reconciliation. You imagine that your wife will have warm feelings about you a years from now. Perhaps. More likely rather is that she will not respect you for failing to exhibit toughness.

Doing a 180 is the only way to fight for her at this point. Being nice does not work. How will you feel a year from now, knowing that you eased your wife on to the dance floor and she scarcely looked back at you before vanishing into the throbbing crowd?


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I would also suspect an OM too. You nued to find this out for sure. Also cut ties too. But you don't have to be rude. Just protect yourself. Like longwalk says-do the 180. It works


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

easiest way to be happy buy a dirt bike and ride it something freeing about going over a 60ft double or zipping between trees at 100km an hour and its just you and the bike


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