# Should I or Shouldn't I have sex w H



## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

My H has been emotionally unavailable since we married 26 yrs. ago. I tried everything, and he couldn't change. I realize I played a part in our emotional estrangement, and have apologized to him. I have been trying to improve in the areas I need to improve in. We read the 5 languages of Love. He asked for more affirmation, which I have freely given. I asked for more quality time. We set a goal of 15 hrs a week. We can only manage about 7 hrs. a week. My love tank is on empty and has been for about 3 yrars. He has improved, only slightly. I cannot move forward and begin to rebuild our marriage until I know that he really gets it. I don't think he gets it. I am ready to get off the Merry Go Round. I basically gave up on the marriage. No sex. We are good friends & good roomates. Our children are grown and no longer live at home. We were good parents and partners, too. Other than not receiving quality time, intimacy, and emotional connection, he treats me very well. We travel a lot together. We have a 2 wk. trip coming up. Should I have sex with him while on the trip? I do have strong sexual desires, just not for him. I think if we can reconnect emotionally on a more intimate level and actually spend quality time together, the sexual desire might come back. Does the chicken come before the egg, or does the egg come first? We have both been faithful. Neither of us has had an affair. It is impossible for me to want to be intimate with him if we don't have an intimate relationship outside the bedroom. He does not understand what that means, or he is incapable of showing it. He shows his love by acts of service. I appreciate and acknowledge his acts of service. It warms my heart, bit it doesn't make me feel intimately towards him, or cause me to want to be physically intimate with him. We have discussed this at legnth, but he just doesn't get it. I am as open, clear, and specific about my needs & our needs, as I can possibly be. What do you think I should do?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's a trap you are in. You won't have sex unless you feel intimate. He wants sex so he can feel intimate with you.

Around and around you go.

Why not just have sex on vacation. See how you feel about it. Not suggesting you get used, just try to enjoy yourself. Make the first move.

If it doesn't work for you, at least you tried.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I say go ahead and have sex with your husband, you might surprise yourself how just the holding each other and the closeness you feel again might change your mind...it's a two way street here, you have to own your part in not being intimate with your husband, clear your mind, view all the positives in him and re-set your passion for him......you might be surprised how well he will react to you and your approach to him on that level....
hey it might be fun and like michz says, at least you tried......everything else seems good, worth the effort


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Bequia2010 said:


> ... We have discussed this at length, but he just doesn't get it. I am as open, clear, and specific about my needs & our needs, as I can possibly be ...


I suspect that you do not "get" yourself.

Your marriage is filled with _*love*_, but lacks *desire*.

Is this your story?

Act 1: "Soon after my children were born, I noticed something was missing. I loved my husband, but I did not feel _in _love with him anymore. I began to avoid intimacy. He noticed, and was resentful."

Act 2: "We talked and I asked him to help more around the house. It took a while, but he eventually started to help more with chores. However, I was surprised that the desire did not return."

"Act 3: "I began to have unexpected feelings for other men. I suffered an identity crisis, because my feelings were not consistent with the person I thought I was. I wanted to have an affair, but I never did. Resisting the urge was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I noticed that my husband stopped asking for intimacy, and I feared that he stopped needing me. Sometimes, this fear would drive me to passionate sex with my husband. Most of the time, I felt that his touch violated my personal space. "

Act 4: "I have now concluded that what I really need is not help around the house, but rater a more intimate emotional connection with my husband. I want to fight for my marriage, but I feel like my husband has given up."

If this is you, then you are a very unique and wonderful person, stuck in a very common problem that is not your fault ... and also not your husband's fault. The good news is that it is much easier to re-ignite desire than it is to find love. Love is not enough, you know that already, but it is the biggest part of the puzzle. Your situation can improve rapidly.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Its weird how sex and the rest of the relationship are....related!

Close your eyes and F**k his brains out. hahah
Even for men, as much as we seem like sex is just sex... its not!
Its our way of knowing that you love us. 
There is a connection for us. So if you withhold sex, we really feel the distance, and that just brings more distance because we're too stupid to figure out how to convey to you ladies how we feel.. (sorry i am speaking from myself not all men) so we just mope around or do other things to piss you off.
Be kind to the less intelligent sex... and give us sex hahaha.
Teasing aside, hope you understand what im saying.

Hey I have no idea where you're at and could not tell 23 years in a post, but certainly no harm in reliving some fun. Maybe think of a new trick in bed. 
Sorry you're not "feeling it". Hope it comes back or you decide to be happy in a different direction.

While you're there though,,, use him for practice. 


have a nice trip


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

AlexNY I know you're trying to help. But your story is not even close. Our children are grown. He has always been good about helping around the house. He shows his love by acts of service, and I have let him know how I appreciated it and I recognize that is his way of showing love.. 

I've gotten good advise on the boards from my own ?'s and reading other peoples stories and the responses others give to them.

I have never once thought about cheating. I am the one who has given up. We have history and I did love him for many years. I would like to feel emotionally connected to him, have great sex and live happily for the rest of our lives. I kept it going, because I was afraid of what would happen to us if I gave up. 

So I will try to rekindle the physical connection as much as I can. We need balance in our relationship, more than anything, I think. I feel like I am the giver at an emotional level and he is a taker at the emotional level. I just want balance. I would do things like make a whole day about him. Anything he wanted from sex, activities, food, etc. He would say I'll have to do that for you some time, it was really great. But he never does. He'll promise romantic things and sexual things, but he doesn't keep his word. It never happens. Since he's gotten older In bed he comes very quickly. When he's done, he is done. I am left feeling used and very unsatisfied. Not that he's ever lasted very long. I've asked him to talk to his doctor, but he won't. Over 25 yrs. I've tried every trick in the book and tried every technique, short of seeing a sex therapist. So I hope you can see why I've given up.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Your situation is outside of my experience.

My guess is your husband is selfish and self centred and needs to change, but since I am not like him, I do not know how that change might happen.

Good luck.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hi Beq,

awe that's a crappy predicament. Beat him over the head. So sorry that he has not seen you try so hard.. damm we're dumb.


Tell him about this site. And we'll wake his A** up.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

63Vino thanks for the smile.  Other examples of things he does. I will walk toward him with a smile intending to give him a hug and kiss. He backs away from me. He'll ask, "What to you want for your brithday/anniversary, etc." I say a nice long back rub by candlelight" Nothing happens. The day comes and goes with nothing special happening. I ask,"so why did he ask?" His excuses are I forgot, I don't know how to light the candles, I can't find the candles, etc. He never keeps his word. 

If I tell him company is coming at 6PM and we need to clean the whole house, mow the yard, go grocery shopping and prepare a meal for 10, he takes it in stride. He works like a sun of a gun and we are a team in completing these tasks. All is done perfectly and the dinner for 10 is served hot and right on time! Why such a difference in the same person! I guess you can see why I have given up, and why sex would not be something I want to subject myself to. However, the kind folks who replied are 100% in favor of me giving it another go on our trip. I'll let you know how it went when we get back.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your example of the dinner involved other people. I have to ask, does he tend to do well in things other people will see and then fail to follow through in those things that are for you and/or more private (in the house, esp., since other people won't usually see it)?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Bequia2010 said:


> ... I say a nice long back rub by candlelight ... Nothing happens





> ... He works like a sun of a gun and we are a team in completing these tasks. All is done perfectly and the dinner for 10 is served hot and right on time!


So your husband is 100% competent when the two of you work side by side to care for others, but 0% competent when he has to care for you.

You know this is not possible. This cannot be about competence, it must be about motivation.

The question that remains is, why is your husband motivated to be a great friend but not motivated to be a great lover?

I thought your problems started when you stopped feeling desire for your husband. Have you considered that perhaps _your husband may have stopped feeling desire for you?_

Keep in mind that it is very difficult to find real love (the kind of love that makes your husband such a good friend) but very easy to re-ignite desire (the kind of desire that makes a man daydream about giving his wife a massage and kissing her all night long).


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

All i can say is that after a long time of not being intimate with a person (and this works for both sexes) you don't feel desire anymore. If you're hungry at work for 2 weeks and can't eat, your body eventually gets the trick and doesn't let you feel hunger anymore, till you get home. Same with desire. 

Look, if he really misses sex with you he'll feel like he's punished and will resent you. This again is not strictly a man thing. Women feel the same way. If you take some time to read a couple of posts from other posters about sexless marriages you will see how angry and resentful they are and how pointless and hard they find it to show affection to or please their spouse. From my part, re-start sex (you might even realize you enjoy it much more than you thought) and see how he is.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

Returned from the trip. This is what happened. A few days before the trip, I told him I really needed for him to hear and understand what I was saying. I told him I had given up on our marriage. I told him I wanted him to understand why, and explained it to the best of my ability. I knew he wasn't getting it. I tried in several different ways, several different times. I finally told him that the marriage was over. I said we would go on the trip, and I would not discuss our marriage while on the trip. Anything that happened on the trip should not be interpreted by him as things are fine between us. Any actions on my part were my trying to make a last effort at saving the marriage, but if he took it as anything else, he was just fooling himself. It took several days to even get warmed up enough to him to even think about sex. I took a Valentine present for him and gave it to him. I didn't get anything. Eventually, I pretty much had to force myself to have sex with him. It didn't go well. I think that was when he finally understood. He said "your're going to leave me?" I said yes. He told me he never looked at things from my point of view. How his behavior was destroying our marriage. How he never thought about his actions, words, broken promises, etc. was hurtful to our marriage. I was dumbfounded. What finally clicked? I guess he finally believed me when I said I was done. He has started to show signs of improving. He says he wants things to change. He still falls back into his old ways, but sometimes he catches himself, and acts differently. The trip went better after that, and the sex improved. I became more anxious as we arrived home. I was afraid things would fall back into the way they were. It's too soon to tell if things will really change, or not. I hope so. I'll give him another chance, and we are having sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bequia2010 said:


> Since he's gotten older In bed he comes very quickly. When he's done, he is done. I am left feeling used and very unsatisfied. Not that he's ever lasted very long. I've asked him to talk to his doctor, but he won't. Over 25 yrs. I've tried every trick in the book and tried every technique, short of seeing a sex therapist. So I hope you can see why I've given up.



How often do you have sex? The less ejaculations he has, sometimes the faster he will cum, If you have more sex, maybe he can last longer, just a thought. (I know this is not always true, but it is for my husband). It is wrong for him to not satisfy you afterwards (he probably should be doing you orally beforehand). 

I think more of your communication should be on this focus instead of questioning whether to withhold sex on your vacation. Not a good idea. This will only hurt his feelings, your situation, hurt the intimacy, everything. 

Keep the sex alive, but do talk to him about YOUR NEEDS. I guess if he is THEN unwilling, I could see your point in why you might want to withhold. Cause at that point, he is being REALLY selfish.

I just noticed you posted before this, glad to hear he is FINALLY hearing you!


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