# He says he wants it to work....



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

So, I'll try to give you the short end of the story.

We've been married 2.5 years and basically the whole time it's been rocky. 

Shortly after we got married, I started grad school full time. This has been the most emotionally draining experience I've ever had and I feel like it's had a big part in our problems.

- About 6 (ish) months into the marriage, I found out through a mutual friend that he was sending text messages to her that made her feel uncomfortable. They were out of line. 
- Then, some time after that, I found very racy texts to a different woman in his phone. This is when trust vanished.
- Then, about 6 months ago, I found inappropriate messages on his social networking site.
- Then, a month or so ago, I found VERY inappropriate messages on his email. - they were from about a year ago...

Well, each time I've told him "this is the last time..", and yada yada. Each time he get extremely angry because I've been snooping, and I do feel bad for that, but I have the right to.. considering the circumstances.

Since the first instance of emotional unfaithfulness, we have had major problems. Lack of intimacy, communication, trust, resentment, etc etc.... There have basically been no happy times, but we agreed several weeks ago to really put effort into working through things.

Well, recently a coworker of his came to me and told me she was concerned because she wasn't sure if something inappropriate was happening b/w him and a woman there. I freaked out and made a stupid decision. I sent a text to about 4 of his co workers to ask them the extend of this lady's flirting and basically to find out if there was flirting from both sides. Our relationship has been VERY bad lately and I really wanted to avoid an argument, so I thought I was doing the right thing. Well, he found out that I asked around and now feels betrayed and is very upset that his coworkers are talking about this.

We are at the point where he is ignoring me and telling me he needs space and that counselling is the only thing left. He said if I was unwilling to attend counselling, then it would be over. 

I am so confused, because I have given him so many free passes and I feel like he should have come to me when that stupid rumor started (several people were already talking about it). I want to be angry, because of how much he has hurt me, but it's so hard when things are so extremely fragile.

Can anyone give me some advice... words of encouragement... or even a friendly message. I am so heartbroken.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Oh honey, do the counseling!! That is the time that you both can air out your issues without having to sugar coat it and get to the problems!!

I will admit that sending the text to his co-workers was a bad move, and I would have been upset too, but all in all he shouldn't be acting inapproapriately with any women. Talk with the counselor about boundaries for BOTH of you and talk about what you think is missing for both of you. 

If you are going to give an ultimatum, you have to stick with it. That is why I highly encourage thinking something through all the way before delivering an ultimatum. You have not followed through on past ones, so make sure that he knows this is serious and what your expectations are. Be willing to compromise to something that makes you both happy. Best of luck honey!!


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I agree that snooping in his phone etc and talking to his coworkers was not the best thing. However he is betraying your trust and acting completely inappropriately with other women! That is crossing the line and not acceptable and regardless of what you had to do to find out does not make his behaviour ok. 
There is obviously a bigger issue within the marriage that has resulted in him doing this, and that is what you need to get to the bottom of and I believe that counselling can really help you get there. Once you work that out you can decide whether or not you want to continue with the marriage. 
During the counselling you need to be completely honest about how you feel and not let him place blame on you - he needs to take responsibility for his actions! 
Good luck


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

He doesnt see a need to stop the behavior because you continually let it go, basically consenting to it, and possibly getting angry at him over it which makes him want to crawl into that safe hole he has created elsewhere even more. 

The others said that if you make an ultimatum, you have to stick to it. So true, making one and then backing down gives you an even lower position than before. It cant be an ultimatum made in anger, that is a threat, and he will take it that way if you say "if you dont stop with these other women I will leave!" It needs to be thought out and respectful (even if the situation is wrong and unfair)... like "I know grad school has made me less available to you and it must have been hard for you, but Im almost done (or done now) and I want to focus on being more available to you so there is no need to seek attention outside our marriage. Its important to me that we are ok. Are you with me?"

On an aside you need to decide if he snuck around with these EA's just because you were in grad school (all that I have to go on from your post, could be other issues), then what will he do in other life events that create stress and distance? Do you really want to be in this situation after having kids and feel really stuck and powerless? So before you make any statement of comittment, you need to decide that that is really what you want to do.

Can you own your part to him and seek forgiveness for whatever grad school stress created? By making the statement above to him, you are taking ownership and that is a powerful positive step. If he doesnt want to do that, then you have your answer and no couseling will help a spouse who doesnt want to connect.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Yes, go to the counseling! That will give you a chance to air out your feelings and hurt in a safe place AND allow you to listen to his feelings and thoughts. 

He's likely feeling pretty humiliated and hurt after his co-workers have become involved. That's understandable. But I get where you thought that might help with avoiding an argument. Both of you need to forgive each other and work out a system of healthy communication together to get through this.

Also, the idea of following through on your ultimatum is bang on. It's like having kids - don't threaten a punishment unless you're going to deliver. Or they will just figure out how far they can push you without consequences. Best of luck to you in this girl!


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## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

I now realize my mistakes in not following through with an ultimatum, but I really do love him and really thought it wouldn't happen again (and again... etc).

I am nearly finished with grad school and currently doing a final internship where I work full time hours and life is a little more normal, in that sense. Although, I don't agree with him in respect to grad school being the cause of our crumbling relationship. The added stress level definitely caused some distance b/w us and school in a sense was my main priority, at the time. 

The repeated 'situations' have made me extremely self-conscious about my physical state. Since starting grad school (aka, since we married), I've become less active and put on about 20 pounds. The women that he's been hustling are all gorgeous, petite, girls. So, naturally, I feel like I have almost driven him to this, because he desires me less. I wonder if I would have taken better care of my body, that he wouldn't have been tempted.

He ignored me all yesterday (wouldn't even answer my calls), but we spoke some last night. It was just petty "how was your day" stuff, but still conversation. I made a gentle attempt to hold his hand during our chat, but he barely made an attempt to match my efforts. He did sleep in bed with me, which is positive. 

Our last dispute (before the coworker incident) was over affections. It was right after my final semester of classes, this past fall, and I realized that I hadn't been myself (in any aspect) for a while. So, I started working on things personally (fueled by a desire to make this relationship work and the fact that I'm so close to graduation) and began showing him more affection. Well, short story is he felt completely smothered and confused that I was going from "nothing" to my old self (which, I don't agree with 100%) and withdrew from me. I don't understand how a husband can be confused over his wife giving him affections...

I really think he has some personal demons to address (as I) to cope with stress (his job is commissions-based and he's the breadwinner while I'm in school). 

... again, thanks for all of your wisdom. I'd love to hear more...


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Well, your personal appearance MAY have something to do with how you see yourself and your confidence. But don't make the mistake of putting the blame on YOUR body for his indiscretions. PLEASE!!!!! We can do things to make our men stay close to the home fires, but that's all about being sexy to them, not necessarily being "gorgeous, petite girls." 'Nuff said.

Keep showing him affection. And consider addressing those demons together. Stress, both outside and inside the home, is an efficient way to erode a marriage. Work on coping strategies together.


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