# Money issues - Need some advice



## Bryan301 (Oct 18, 2008)

Hi, 
I am getting married to the woman I love in Jan. 2009. We have been living together for 8 months now, and we have a wonderful relationship. Our only trouble is debt. I hate being in debt...even if it's $10 to a friend. My Fiance doesn't seem to mind it at all. She's somewhat of a spend-a-holic, and wants to buy stuff when she's bored.


When I tell her we need to stop spending and start saving she tells me that I worry too much. We have one maxed credit card and a new one that she wants to buy new furniture on. As of right now I have excellent credit and I am afraid that's not going to last long. I love her very much and hate to argue and fight but it seems every discussion about money turns into an argument. 


I know this is something her and I need to work out, I would just like some advice on how to present my arguments better. Thanks for any help.

Bryan


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ive always kept myself grounded when it comes to money and so has my H. 
like you neither of us in debt.
however from experience and what your saying, you wil both continue to be who you are. she wil like spending and you wil stay focused and this is probably for the duration.
i have times of spending , but i know i could afford to at the time.
but when i look at family, constantly spending and lack of thought for what wil happen in the future. the consequences.
my mother and her 3 sisters and her brother are all in debt over there heads. they could never stay focused and have nothing to show for it. 
i suppose maybe on my mail the key word was focus - if that helps.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well i am married, 3 kids...a big house, 2 cars...10 million toys...

I view it as I will always be in the red until I am dead, now I am not talking thousands of dollars here (minus the house)

But controllable "red" such as car, house, etc.

Keep credit cards at a minimum, no costly loans.

Buy a house, don't rent, that is just throwing money away, owning a home is an investment and it will pay off in the long run, espeically in this current market.

My wife and I paid for our own wedding, so we started 10K in the hole, we worked out of it, started a family, etc.

Have a rainy day fund for emergency's, but Student loans, Cars, and Houses will be slowly paid off. Keep credit cards low and you shouold be OK.

Also if you have decent job, put at least the company match in your 401K, i've had a 401K since I was 18, (38 now) before the market went south I had 500K in it...not quite that much anymore  but it will rebound, so make sure you invest your money, there is good debt and bad debt.

If I were you, as a couple talk to a financial planner and form a game plan for your lives and goals. It is allot like staying in shape, a good routine and diet will keep you healthy, so will a good investment portfolio.

Best of luck and don't fret. We all ahve the "OH NO" marriage issues...just stress my friend.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your real problem isn't money it is communication. You need to set boundries with her and explain why you feel so strongly.

draconis


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Women love money! She's a spender and that's her personality. I'm not a fortune teller, but I can already see that this is going to be a problem for you two and that you'll be bickering about money later down the road. If I were you, I wouldn't even consider marrying her until she can get a control on her spending. As of right now, you're letting your feelings get in the way of your rational thoughts. You even know that this is going to be a problem down the road. 

If she needs reasons to save money and doesn't understand why debt and living paycheck to paycheck is a problem, then she isn't too bright to begin with. You SURE you want to marry this woman?


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

cheewagacheewaga said:


> Women love money! She's a spender and that's her personality. I'm not a fortune teller, but I can already see that this is going to be a problem for you two and that you'll be bickering about money later down the road. If I were you, I wouldn't even consider marrying her until she can get a control on her spending. As of right now, you're letting your feelings get in the way of your rational thoughts. You even know that this is going to be a problem down the road.
> 
> If she needs reasons to save money and doesn't understand why debt and living paycheck to paycheck is a problem, then she isn't too bright to begin with. You SURE you want to marry this woman?


cheewagacheewaga,

You are right women love money. Especially in our pockets!

However, I think you are being kinda hard. If she never had to worry about money, and grew up in a well-to-do family, she may not KNOW the value of saving her pennies.

Bryan301,

May I ask: How old are you two? I think with age comes wisdom; especially about money. Let your soon-to-be wife know your concerns and suggest going to a financial planner. Let her know that you think you two should plan for your future. Sometimes hearing advice from a professional is better digested and goals are kept.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Also there is a difference between a woman who spends $1,000 a montha brings in $3,000 a month as opposed to a woman who spends $1,000 and brings in $500 a month.

I know plenty of guys that spend more then their wives.

But on a lighter side of things I have a thing called "woman's math"

My wife will come home with a bunch of stuff and I will say, "Hey honey how much did that run us?" She says, "Only $300!!" As I get off the floor from fainting, I say, "$300 are you nuts?" She says, "But honey, it was 50% I SAVED YOU $300!!! it normally would have cost $600" with a big smile on her face......ah woman's math! :rofl:


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Also there is a difference between a woman who spends $1,000 a montha brings in $3,000 a month as opposed to a woman who spends $1,000 and brings in $500 a month.
> 
> I know plenty of guys that spend more then their wives.
> 
> ...


If I spent $300 on "stuff", especially now with kids, I would feel guilty and would have buyer's remorse. I never really like spending money. Sale or no sale. However, I do see your wife's point. If it is something you really need, it is better for it to be on sale.

My husband is the "spender" so I am the person that handles the finances. If my husband did the finances, (as he puts it) all the money would be gone, the lights would be turned off, and bill collectors would be calling at all hours of the night. If he has it, he spends it. So GaSoccerMan, what do you call it when the man has the spending problem? I know! "Nut-ty math"! Get it *nut*-ty math? Oh never mind. It was a bad joke.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> cheewagacheewaga,
> 
> You are right women love money. Especially in our pockets!
> 
> However, I think you are being kinda hard. If she never had to worry about money, and grew up in a well-to-do family, she may not KNOW the value of saving her pennies.


Ignorance is no excuse. If that is the case, then her parents are at fault for not teaching her the value of money, which would make me even cringe more about wanting to marry her. 

Be careful about marrying this woman because she may "change" before the marriage just for the sake of getting married, but afterwards will fall back into her spending habits. Then all hell will break loose as you two fight over money issues.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Put aside a minimum of 10% each pay day without her knowing into a safety account. This will just grow over time and will be your safety net if a REAL emergency comes up (not a fake emergency like louis vitton is having a once in a life time sale). Next pay the bills, pay for food and clothing, then give her the rest to play with. Let her know she clearly can't go over the monthly amount, otherwise you're going to have to manage the finances more closely. Switch over to a direct debit card and allow her to only spend money that she has in the account. 

You've also got to balance it out at looking at increasing the income or setting up multiple sources of income. It's a lot easier when she's on board.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Dude... you are in for a world of hurt. Here is how this dance will play out if neither of you change your steps...

You will want to save, and you'll trim expenses. She will want to spend, and she'll spend. Her increased spending will make you tense, which will make you want to save more and stress more. The increased stress will make HER more stressed, which will make her spend even MORE to alleviate the stress.

Neither of you will want to give up ground because you feel that you are the reasonable one. She'll say you are too uptight and should relax a little (which you said she already does) and you'll tell her that she is being irresponsible (which she'll ignore).

Trust me though that you need to set boundaries NOW, and if they are crossed, there needs to be HARSH consequences. Preferably, you need to postpone or cancel the wedding until this is under control, because once you are married you lose your leverage.

Credit scores do not "mix" upon marriage, but if you ever apply for credit jointly, they look at the lower score. Ie: she drags you down, you do not boost her up. You could apply for credit only in your name, but then you can't count her income (which I hope she brings in).

---"But honey, it was 50% I SAVED YOU $300!!! it normally would have cost $600" with a big smile on her face......ah woman's math!---

This frustrates me too... they don't GET IT. She thinks we saved money by buying something on sale, but I say if we didn't buy the item to begin with, we'd have saved even more. Its not even "saving" (saving puts you ahead) its just money that wasn't spent, or in most cases, LESS DEBT RACKED UP. Less debt does not equal more savings.

I like the phrase: men spend $2 for a $1 item they DO need, while women spend $1 on a $2 item they DON'T need.

Anyways to boil it down for the OP...

If she is not the type to want to talk about this, whether its because she is financially ignorant, doesn't care, or is in denial, then just make it very simple for her. Define for her exactly the farthest you will go, and then tell her that you will not go ONE DOLLAR FARTHER, and if she does, you will freeze the accounts. Its up to you to define this point... it may be "spend everything except $100/month" or it may be "the CC balance CANNOT exceed $3,000".

Also, make sure that her credit cards are in HER name only. DO NOT cosign or have any joint accounts because if you ever do have to divorce (this depends on the states too) it is easier for you to stick her with her bills if they are in her name only.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Try to pay a lot of things with cash only. Only use the plastic money when you really have to. You will owe something until you die,that's life, but if you watch what you buy, and have a budget plan and try to stick with it.. this night work out better for you. Most women like to shop though. My mother does, and when I ask to talk to my mother, my dad says.. she is out taking inventory. His joke..means out shopping again.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Bryan301 said:


> Hi,
> She's somewhat of a spend-a-holic, and wants to buy stuff when she's bored.


This is the key, as I see it. Find out what is going on when she says she is "bored." 

Before I got married, I would shop a lot, for things I didn't really need. "Retail therapy" - I had a chunk of credit card debt. After getting married, we were able to pay off my debt and have since not carried any debt except our house. I would shop to fill a void, when I was bored, lonely, etc. I have since found other things to do with my time, besides shop for things I don't need. I still enjoy spending money, but only on things that we need, or can afford.

I agree that if you don't work this out with her now, you will find yourselves in a heap of debt later. The other folks have made some good suggestions too - primarily the credit card limit max is what I would do as a first step, and then sit down with her to work out the budget. Maybe she should be responsible for the finances, with you as a backup, so she sees what is going on. Just a suggestion.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---Maybe she should be responsible for the finances, with you as a backup---

This COULD work, but it could also backfire BIG time.

If she just doesn't know what it costs to live, she may have an awakening by seeing the numbers. She may realize that your housing alone eats up a huge percentage, and then your little recurring payments like internet, insurance, take up even more. Add the fact that food over the last year has doubled, and it gets pretty tight.

But if you are unlucky, she'll trim out things she doesn't care about "honey, you don't need that NFL package anymore" or "we could cut back on our retirement contributions" and then claim she's freed up money for her to spend, and that she was right all along that you were just uptight and unreasonable.

A good indication for how this is really going to go is how the wedding plans are progressing. If she is reasonable, then there is hope. But if she is getting nasty to you because you don't think its necessary to have ice sculptures and swans, then you know EXACTLY what you are marrying in to.

You can try the whole psychology thing: ask her what money means to her; ask her about her financial upbringing; set joint goals (where do you want to be in 5 years)... maybe it'll work. If you are unlucky, she'll be the type who will set goals and stick to them for all of about a day, until she sees that new coach bag at the mall and decides its more important to have that than it is to stick the money in the "vacation fund".

Money is a HUGE issue for most people in general. It is very complicated and delicate. There is hope for people who WANT to be helped. I spend a lot of time helping people with financial issues, and some people, quite frankly, just don't want to change. They want "it", "now". They think they do no wrong, and that its everyone elses fault.

Perhaps the best thing to do is ask yourself this: if she NEVER changes, will you be happy with her? If the answer is yes, go ahead and marry her. If the answer is even slightly unsure, then get on the same page FAST or don't marry her.


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## adamaqmal (Jan 22, 2009)

hurmm.. gurls always be a gurls.. shopaholic is them.. hehe.. so do i.. The best thing u must keep controlling her expensense. It true money can effect every relations either good or bad.


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## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

Money has always been an issue amongst couples. I believe that you two need to communicate and reseach common ground by establishing rules about spending. This is something that you will have to deal with in your marriage and the sooner those rules are laid out the sooner the stress that you guys might be experienciang as a couple will decrease.


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