# My soul is in pain



## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I'll try to be as brief and informative as I can.


My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, together 8. We have 2 children, 1 together. Our relationship has been rocky to say the least. When we first started dating, we broke up after just 3 mos for reasons I can't even remember. We got back together a couple weeks later and then in March found out she was pregnant. She was not at all happy about the pregnancy and broke up with me again, stating that she needed time to process all that was going on. Very cold and sometimes just plain mean to me about everything. About 6 mos into the pregnancy, she called me out of the blue and asked that I come over. (I was still in contact with her, as much as she would allow.) Well we ended up getting back together. Things were pretty good for a year or so, then she hit me with the "I don't think we are right for each other" speech. I was devastated as I thought things were going really well. We talked though our differences, I even moved out for a couple weeks, and decided that we love each other and that separation is not a good idea, communication is much better. Things were great for a couple years and we even decided to get married, which we did in Nov. 2008. We have had our ups and downs, I was out of work for a year and she worked full time. We were forced to move out of the house we lived in because we were not able to stay afloat given only 1 income. I have internalized that as being my fault as I was not working and as a result caused us to lose our home. We moved into a smaller place, I went back to work, and things seemed to be on their way back to the place we were happy. A few months after moving into this place, she tells me that she had made arrangements with her father to take the kids one Saturday night so that when I got off of work we could spend the evening together alone. I thought this was a fantastic idea and even made arrangements to leave work a couple hours early so that we wouldn't be too limited in our time. When I got home, her car was gone. I call her and ask where she is, she tells me she went to the store to get some cigarettes and that she would be home in a few minutes. 15 minutes pass and still she isn't home. I call her again to make sure she is ok and.....She tells me that she has been out driving around trying to clear her head. She tells me that she is unhappy and that she thinks we should get a divorce....I was completely devastated as I was under the impression things were getting a lot better all around and that we were on track to get our family in full working order again. I ask where this is coming from and asked her to please come home so that we can talk. After a couple hours, she does come home and we sit and talk. I poured out my heart to her and pleaded with her not to go through with things and that I want to know what it is I'm doing to make her so sad. She tells me that I am over bearing and she hates that I do not trust her. (I admit this as being a basic character flaw. I always question everything I hear to the point that I am confident that what I am hearing is the truth.) I tell her that I will seek professional help, not just for our marriage but for myself as an individual. We share some tears and she agrees that leaving is not the best option. Through the next couple of weeks, I make a conscious effort to avoid doing the things that she claims make her so crazy. I try not to question everything she says and reaffirm to her that I want for things to work out and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her comfortable again. One day, after about 3 weeks, I get a knock on the door. It's our Landlord. He gives me a 5 day notice to vacate our home stating the rent had not been paid. I immediately go into wtf mode because I had given my wife the money to pay the rent....the same night she originally told me she wanted a divorce. I call her at work and ask what the deal is with this. She swears that she paid the rent and that he is lying. I call him and relay what my wife had said. He tells me that my wife had given him a check for the rent and it bounced. He says that he and my wife were in communication about this and that she had agreed to give him money orders totaling the full amount of the rent, which he claims she never did. She swears up and down that she did. So as the conversation progresses, I ask her if she's telling me the truth and tell her I need her to be completely honest with me. She interrupts me and says,"OK, lets be honest. I am not happy." I ask her if she is again telling me that she wants a divorce. She tells me that she does and that she has been feeling this way for the last several months. Again, I am devastated because she had told me during the few weeks since the last talk that things seemed a little better and that she could see that I was trying and that she was happy. She came home and we talked, cried and yelled. We got nowhere with that and I eventually gathered a few belongings and made for my mom's house. I sat and talked with my mom for an hour or so but then decided I was not ready to be finished with the conversation so I drove back to the house and woke her up. She got up and went outside to the patio where we continued talking. I told her that I am painfully aware that my behavior has caused a huge rift in our marriage and that I was not ready for it to end. I told her that I still had a lot of fight left in me as far as our marriage is concerned and that I will fight to earn back what I had so casually taken from her over the last year. She says that she wants to separate temporarily so that we can look into our marriage from the outside and find out what is truly poisoning it. She says that she does still love me but she feels beat down. She swears to god that there is nobody else involved, even swore on our child. What I am feeling now is a mix of hopefulness and despair. She says she wants our marriage to work and that marriage counseling is definitely needed, which I have set up through the Pastor of the church she goes to. She has also found a 1 bedroom apartment that she and my son are going to move into exactly 1 week after the blowup. She says that this is a temporary thing and that after 3 mos, we will look at things again and we can upgrade to a larger apartment. She says that she thinks this is the only way right now, which I can respect. I dont want the separation but if it has the possibility of strengthening our marriage, then I will not fight her on that. My fear is that she is not being honest with me about all of the things she says now. I fear that once she gets into the apartment and is completely independent of me, she is going to end our marriage. I want to believe her when she says that she loves me and that our family will still be together after all of this but I cannot completely give in to that kind of faith. I feel she has been dishonest with me before and that this is her way of finalizing our marriage. I am so scared. I don't know what to expect. I love my wife with my entire soul and I cannot picture my life without her in it. Oh, and ya, we both struggle with depression. She is on medication for it and I am not. 
I hope I am ready for the responses I get to this....
Thank you for reading what was supposed to be a condensed post, and I'm sorry for the one giant paragraph.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Since your giant paragraph is condensed, I'm sure there are some things here which could be missing context. However, Take these 5 sections from what you wrote...



Seanpgrnc said:


> About 6 mos into the pregnancy, she called me out of the blue and asked that I come over. (I was still in contact with her, as much as she would allow.)
> 
> I poured out my heart to her and pleaded with her not to go
> 
> ...


...I don't even have to ask who the "leader" of this relationship is. It's not you, and that's not a good thing. It's your job as the husband to be a leader, to be decisive, and to be strong. You pleaded with her- mistake. You sat idle while she was pregnant waiting to be let in- mistake. The whole landlord thing- do you seriously not have access to ANY of your finances? You can't look at the bank and notice that there is a bounced check / return check charge notification.. or that the giant rent check never got taken out within 5 days? You say you want to fight for your marriage, but you are willing to let her rent another apartment alone (while I presume you stay with your mother)... all of this sounds like a lot of doormat, insecure behavior.




Seanpgrnc said:


> She tells me that I am over bearing and she hates that I do not trust her. *(I admit this as being a basic character flaw. I always question everything I hear to the point that I am confident that what I am hearing is the truth.) *
> 
> *I tell her that I will seek professional help*, not just for our marriage but for myself as an individual. We share some tears and she agrees that leaving is not the best option. *Through the next couple of weeks, I make a conscious effort to avoid doing the things that she claims make her so crazy.* I try not to question everything she says and reaffirm to her that I want for things to work out and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her comfortable again.


Please notice the bold text- You admit you have a problem, and tell her you will seek professional help... but the next couple of weeks you make a conscious effort? Are you a professional now? You told her you would do one thing, and you didn't. If you really are "willing to do whatever it takes" then go get some help. You said you would do something, but you didn't- very unattractive. If you say you are going to get professional help, DO IT.

That doesn't touch on the fact that you have trust issues, which is going to be seen as highly unattractive and irritating. If you can't trust your wife, you may as well stop fighting, and take responsibility for this failing marriage. [About the rent: "She swears up and down that she did. "] ... but everything else you wrote makes it clear you don't believe her. This is your wife, and you need to trust her, and have her back. If you are wrong and your wife lied to you? You may have looked like a fool to the landlord, but in the eyes of your wife you were standing up for her, and proving your trust via actions.

...More than anything, I think you need to take a look into the Mens Clubhouse section of this forum. You are making a lot of common mistakes, and exhibiting a lot of behavior that will push your wife away. Stop talking about all these "changes" and start making them happen. Stop questioning everything your wife says- at least (as a start) STOP verbalizing these questions, and keep the internal until you learn to rationalize better.

Tough love aside... there is always hope. Stick around, read as much as you can, and do everything you can to work on yourself. That's not to say you are the only issue here, but you cannot control the way your wife is going to feel. You can however influence the way she will feel based on your actions, and positive changes.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Thank you, Avenrandom.

I wrote all of this mess during random panic moment and looking over it, it doesn't make much sense. I claim that I want to help make things better yet I continue to do all of the things that push her away.

I'm very lost right now and my words, as well as my actions, seem to only make things worse. I need to find a place to stand up again and go from there.


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## JAYBLACK973 (Feb 21, 2011)

I am new to this forum but you should really re-think persuing this woman. Yes there is a child to think about but in this case maybe you should try and get custody and not think of her at all.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I was originally going to say that you have to work on your issues regarding trusting your wife, but then I got to the section where you describe how she didn't pay the landlord and then lied to you about it. Who's telling the truth? Well it's not your wife. Checks and money orders are traceable. If the eviction went to court your wife would have to prove that she paid the rent via money orders by getting copies of the issues. She's lying about the rent money just like she lied about where she was when she said she was out getting cigarettes after getting rid of the kid so you two could spend a night together.

You have legitimate reason to be distrusting of your wife and you never said where the rent money went. Did you follow up on it? It sounds to me like your wife needs to get help to address her lying before anything can be done to work on the marriage.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Very sad tonight. This could potentially be the last night I ever sleep under the same roof as my family. I'm almost in a state of panic in that I have no say in the matter. I just don't know....


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

So last night I sat and spoke with our 12 year old (hers from a previous relationship)
about everything under the sun, from girls to god. We had a great time just talking and laughing. During this time I started reflect on myself and how much I was going to miss times like these. Then I got really mad.....how dare she think she is the only person that has the power in our "marriage" to make decisions about our marriage. I told her how I feel and that I am no longer in a position to sit around and wait for her to come to terms with something that I don't even know exists. 
That's where I am now. I will no longer wait for her to show me that she cares about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Actually, I think more of what I'm really feeling is how dare you so casually hurt our children like this?? If it was anyone else off the street, I would cave their chest in for hurting them in any way. She know she gets a pass though because 1) she is a woman 2) she knows I love her. 
Totally irrational thinking, I know, but I am at a high point right now and it feels pretty Damn good to be pissed as opposed to sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Not sure what to make of all of this but I do know something's gotta give. She tells me that we will be a stronger family when this passes but my heart tells me it will never get back to where it was, or seemed to be. I hope I am wrong. I love my family and will miss them very much.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I am obviously the only one that's going to keep this thread going but it makes me feel a little better to say this stuff.

I am at a very low point atm in that all communication has broken down. My wife refuses to give any input other than "Things are going to work out". She says that she needs to work on her communication issues but has no idea \when that might start. I try to tell her that most behaviors are learned and that we need to do the things that make us uncomfortable because after a while the uncomfortable feeling will begin to subside and will be easier. She tells me that she is tired of having this conversation because it feels like we are beating a dead horse. We are starting counseling next week, which is a good thing I guess. I am also starting to see a counselor on my own to try to tackle my anxiety issues. 
She tells me that she wants it to work but that she doesn't know if it will because we haven't tried hard enough in the past.
Just at a very low point atm. Does anyone have any positive stories of marriage counseling? Could really use some inspiration right now =(


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I don't have any marriage counciling stories, but my husband and I have been working on our marriage for twelve years (the amount of time we've been married) and it does take work. I've had very successful counciling in other areas of my life, so I do believe in them. Give the counciling some time and effort and see where it goes from there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want inspiration then start by distancing your self from her, and show your self that for a moment you can move on with out her.

1st of all people want what they don't have so stop empowering her by giving her the idea you'll always be around.

2nd thing her is once you show her some confidence that you can move on and do not nee to contact her all the time it will get her to second guess her choices.

Right now she has no reason to be concerned about you...you have shown nothing but weakness and insecurity, face it you have given her the perception that you will do what ever and she has all the time in the world.

So please let her be the 1st one to make the next contact and when you do talk sound positive and confident and let her know you love her and are willing to let the ones we love free, and you are preparing for the worst but hoping for the best then wish her a good day.

I hope yu are getting my drift here, it will be tough as sh8t to pull this off but you have to give her the perception that you a confident man that will succeed with or with out her. A strong man that will not tolorate this limbo BS.

And by the why have you done any of your own under cover investigations in the possiblity that someone may be influencing your chick? And stop asking ....mine swore on our kids to and look were I'm at! My W said all the same crap yours did so face the possiblity by quitely investigating if at the very least she is having an emotional affair.

It is not often that a women will just leave...theres usually someone waiting on the back burner.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I do believe her that she is not having an affair of any kind. She says that the last couple of years have not been so great in that I am always second guessing everything she says and that she feels like I am trying to keep her "under thumb". I admit I do have a jealous streak and that I question her too much about things. 

As far as not contacting her, I can't really do that because my son is with her and I WILL speak to him on a daily basis.

She tells me that she very much wants for our marriage to survive but she fears that it cannot given the state of things for so long.

I am at my wits end with this girl and am considering just giving up. Maybe once she sees that I am fully capable of moving on it will open her eyes, and her mouth, to what she really wants from me. I only worry that by that point I will have already moved on and not give 2 sh*ts what she wants from me. 

My son deserves a whole family but I don't know what else I can do. Very scared atm and do not want to lose her ; ;


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I read through this article, on another site so I hope it doesn't get me banned, and it opened my eyes to alot of things. I hope it's not just a high point I'm at right now and that it doesn't wear off. I guess I have kind of resolved myself to the way things are and reading someone Else's story kind of made me see the end game.

will my wife ever come back to me - Page 30 - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

So our marriage counseling starts tomorrow night. Kinda nervous about that. I hope that we can get to a place where we are happy again. I love my wife very much and want for her to be happy, I guess even if that means not being with her. I hope that's not the case but we will see.....


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I go from being intensely sad, to pissed off, to acceptance, to hopes for a brighter future without her, and then back to being sad. 

I know everyone goes through a rough time when they "lose" someone they love, but everyone is not me. 

The more I talk to her and get answers to different questions, the more pissed off I get because I am having to find out this way instead of her being honest with me. I am starting to realize things were not at all as I thought they were. 

It's like watching a movie. You totally immerse yourself in the story and when the credits roll, you remember that it was just a story.

That's kind of how I'm feeling atm. I wouldn't cry at the end of a movie just because it's over, (unless Salma Hayek starred in it), so why should I cry about the credits rolling on a relationship that was acted out? I feel as if I was part of a story but someone forgot to give me the script. 

I know this feeling won't last long but I am grateful to have it atm as anger is alot less uncomfortable than grief.

This is turning into just an online journal for me but oh well. It makes me feel better to write this stuff. =)

Also, I found this article that got my brain buzzing. It talks of how to get over a relationship. Won't work for everyone, probably won't work for me, but there is some good advice in there.

http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/getting-over-a-relationship-break-up.php


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

So we started MC, 2nd session is tonight. I am a mixed bag of feelings in that I want things to work out with us, but I am starting to be OK with the idea of it not working out. 

This is the woman I promised to share my forever with, the one that promised me the same. We promised to love each other unconditionally and to be each others rock. We promised that we would walk through this life as partners and do battle with anything that stood in the way of our family and happiness.......What a crock of $hi!.....

This woman has repeatedly looked me dead in my eye and lied to me knowing full well the ramifications of being caught in any one of them. She just didn't care....That's the only logical explanation to any of this. 

Why should I spend the next several months, or even several minutes, chasing this woman when she clearly cannot, or is unwilling to, provide the other 50% of this marriage.

I am slowly but surely becoming agreeable to the idea that this marriage cannot and should not be saved.

Of course now that I have shown her that this is my view of things......she loves me and wants all of this to work out....
Of course she does. People suck


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

So sorry for your situation.


Seanpgrnc said:


> Of course now that I have shown her that this is my view of things......she loves me and wants all of this to work out....
> Of course she does. People suck


I completely understand why you would be feeling like this. Sometimes you just get so haggard being the only one actually trying, no matter how bad you want things to work out and no matter how much you love the other person. Its TIRING. 

Have you decided to keep working on the marriage? Or is she just waffling about.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

We are trying, at least I know I am. Every day seems like it's farther and farther from where we need to be. I guess we'll stick with the MC and see where it goes. Kind of nice having my feet to stand on again though. Don't wanna give that up for anything.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Been a little while since I posted here, which I'm guessing is common when things start to look good for someone.

Well things have gone from bad to better to horrible.

My wife and I had been going to MC, which seemed to be helping her crawl out from under her rock, and things seemed to be moving in a positive direction. 
She said that her main problem with me is that I try to control every scenario by constantly confirming what she is telling me is the truth. It was also said that she has daddy issues (big surprise) and that while she doesn't see me in the same light as her dad, who constantly criticized her on her choices, she still finds it hard to open up to me. She committed to be open and honest and asked that I commit to changing my interrogative ways. Ok, sounds great, lets do this. We made plans for me to move back in and set a date, Aug. 25th, as this was when the next larger apartment would open up.
Things went well for a week or so.
I left work early last Friday night and called her to say I wanted to come by for a few minutes before I went home. She said that she and my son were going to her girlfriend's house for the evening, possibly overnight, and that she would call me when she got there.
An hour goes by and no call, so I call her and she says that she "just walked through the door". I ask what took so long and she said that she missed the street, yada yada yada. Ok, thats cool.
What are you guys gonna do tonight? "We're just gonna hang out and let the kids play and watch a movie or something." I tell her that sounds like fun, I love you and I'll talk to you later. Call me.
She agrees and we hang up. 5 hours pass and no call so I try to call her, no answer. Ok, maybe they passed out. No big deal. Then my inquisitive side kicks in and I start to wonder if she was really there at all. I call again, no answer. I text, no response. I figure I am just freaking out and that this is exactly what she was talking about that she wanted me to change so I hold off awhile.
I call her friend's husband who is out singing scaryaoke and ask if he had heard from them. "I talked to her earlier, they were going out......." OK, wtf. Now my anxiety really kicks in and the onslaught of phone calls and texts begin. (big no no, I know)
I told her that I was worried about her and I would appreciate a text or a call saying she was safe. I then began to wonder who the hell was watching my son so my texts morphed to that. Several hours and texts later, I get a response that reads "Son is safe with me here at friend's house, go to hell."
Ok, I'm livid at this point as she has once again lied to me and is making out as being my fault that I dont trust her.......I ask her what she is trying to tell me now and that I'm upset that she wasn't honest with me but that I am glad they are safe. She sends me another text saying "Nothing to say to you. Decide when you want to see your son. The rest will be decided in court."
Here we go again.....She has since remained in the mindset that she doesn't know if things will work out and that she doesn't want to talk about it at all. She shows absolutely no emotion about it whatsoever. She also refuses to continue MC.
I am literally at the end of my rope. I still love this woman, tho at the moment I don't know why. My brain and my heart just absolutely refuse to let her go. Am I in love with her or am I just so used to her being in my life that I'm addicted to her presence?
Hurts like hell and I hate that my son will likely go through a divorce. So lost. How can someone that claims to love me (she still claims she does tho she wont say it anymore) deliberately hurt me and our children this way. 
I ask her if the prospect of me letting go and moving on and eventually finding someone else is disturbing to her at all and she says that while it wouldn't thrill her, she really doesn't care.
How do I get over this woman?!
Is there anything I can do, should I even want to at this point?


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

She still maintains that there is and never has been anyone else, which up til now I believed. There's aren't many other reasons for her to behave this way. That's driving me bonkers. The thought of someone else putting their grubs on my wife makes me absolutely crazy. Then I think, wait.....She is putting her grubs on them too which just pisses me off for being too much of a fool to see it.....


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Sounds like she is just being spiteful. You need to do the 180. I think you're feeding into her drama too much. I know it hurts and I know you just want to grab her and shake her and make it all go away, but you can't. You're not her and you're not in her head right now. I used to do the same crap with the calls and texts and it turns into a game where they can just sit there and laugh at the phone while staying out just a little later. 
I dont have kids, but as long as the kid is safe, why not just ignore her bad behavior? Her acting out is getting a reaction out of you and the more you feed into it the bigger her ego grows...Sick, right?

Sounds like your head knows what to do, but you're gonna have to do some convincing on your heart. 

Sorry if Im blunt. I may know nothing about what Im talking about, just lending an opinion.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

I don't know what to do. She has remained very indifferent with me and has told me there seems to be no hope of repairing our marriage. She refuses to talk about it and refuses to go back to counseling "right now". Everything she says, she ends in right now which leads me to sometimes think that there is a chance. Any question I ask her is answered with I don't know....she says that she just doesn't know what to do and that I should stop "pushing". Her idea of pushing is me making any reference at all to our current situation. Every fiber of my being suggests someone else but she swears up and down there is nobody. I don't even know why I want her after all this. Maybe its just the guy in me wanting something I can no longer have? 

I have good days and I have very bad days. Today just happens to be a bad day. 
Today I am in a panic thinking.....Omg....the woman I love is going to be gone from me forever....
I could really just use some experienced words of encouragement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Haven't posted here in awhile....Here's the update...

I took my 6 year old son over to his mom's house to visit her. He walked in her room and caught her in bed having sex with some guy. I immediately scooped him up and took off with him. Thank god he was there.....otherwise I'm sure I would have had to wait til they let me out of jail to post this. I hate that he saw what he saw though. I tried my best to comfort him but he still cried himself to sleep. Now she says that she feel remorse for what my son saw but feels nothing toward me. 2 hours prior she told me that she loved me and that she was trying to get to a good spot in her brain to put effort into our marriage.

I'm sure once the adrenaline wears off I will be consumed with all consuming sadness. What can I do to avoid/alleviate that? And wtf do I tell my son. She says she will explain it to him but is not sure what she will say. I told her that if she lies to him that she and I are going to have some serious problems. Screw her if she thinks she gets to do something like this and then lie about it to keep face. At the same time, how does one explain something like that to a 6 year old without going into details that his little mind wont comprehend? 

I am so scared as to what my mind is going to do do me when the dust settles but 100x as scared about what it's going to do to my son.....


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Well, can't say I didn't see this coming. Third party. Good luck. Stop being a winey, wimpy, emotional freak. Step up. Be a man. Tell this woman what you want and if she can't do it, move on. Stop letting her decide your future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Ya, I have done exactly that. My feelings for her as my wife ended the second I walked into that room. I have never, in all the time I've known her, talked to her the way I did today. I found my balls and bounced them off her forehead. I will no longer be the source of her amusement and I told her that either she start showing me the respect I deserve as a man or there will be a $hit storm of epic proportions. I told her exactly what it is that I expect of her as it concerns my son and I also served her with divorce papers. 
She was really at taken aback by my behavior. I told her that she no longer deserves to be my wife and that I am disgusted with myself for allowing her to waste so much of my time while the real woman that I have been looking for is still out there looking for me. 
My main concern now is my son. He needs me now more than ever and I have alot of extra energy to give him now that I have taken it back from her. Feels good, empowering. 
I told her that while I will always love her for being the mother of my child, that ship has sailed and was attacked by pirates and sunk. My life is my own again...well my life is my son's and I will conduct myself accordingly. May the stingers of 1000 angry bees find their way to her genitalia.


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## Seanpgrnc (Jun 26, 2011)

Well she and I had a long heart to heart tonight and apparently she's sorry for doing what she did and for the way our marriage turned out.
Oh well $hit, since she puts it that way.

I resent her for putting the doubts in my mind that there are women in the world that don't behave that way. I resent her being the architect of my son's crappy childhood. I resent her for being alive. I resent that I have become another statistic because she is so narrow minded that she can't see the world outside of the little corner she lives in. I resent that I have so much resentment that is derived from her existence. 
GDI! Where the hell was my presence of mind when I swallowed all of the crap that she fed me?
I now have to play damage control for her. My son is the cornerstone of my whole world. To save him from 1 second of hurt and heartache would be worth my entire existence. I hate this woman with a passion I had not known was possible.
Just sayin......


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Sean,



> My feelings for her as my wife ended the second I walked into that room. I have never, in all the time I've known her, talked to her the way I did today.


While I'm glad you found some fortitude, you are missing the point. All of your actions at this point are derived from your feelings. (how you feel about her, how angry you are, how you resent her) Quit being a girl. Right now you are a slave to your emotions. They drive every action you have. You need to start working yourself into your feelings or emotions are subservient to your core belief system. I call BS on your feelings "ending" the second you walked into the room. Your feelings turned to anger. You are a twig in the dang emotional wind. How safe does that make her feel? She is supposed to be emotional. You are supposed to be logical, steadfast, as source of strength. That is why your marriage is in shambles. Because you are NOT a strong man. Get into individual therapy, get a good, solid mentor, and start working to become the man you always could be. Forget her. Your current path could lead you back to her, it could not. It's not about that anymore. FIX YOU, then worry about what your relationship is with HER.

"Fathered by God" by John Eldredge. Start there.



> I told her that she no longer deserves to be my wife and that I am disgusted with myself for allowing her to waste so much of my time while the real woman that I have been looking for is still out there looking for me.


If you keep pointing the finger, you never will get what you are supposed to gain from this. Thus, you are DOOMED to repeat it with another woman. This is NOT her fault. You let her run roughshod over you and failed to LEAD your family. Blaming her is cowardly and blameshifting. Step up and accept your failures and start seeking to change them. You might be really surprised how things turn out.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sean, I agree with Dedicated that you could benefit from IC. Until you understand the role you played in the toxic relationship, you are at great risk of running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. When a toxic relationship continues for most of 8 years, the toxicity is not something your W is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH were doing to each other. While her dysfunctional contributions are easy to see, yours are less evident.

If you are like me, you are a caregiver who was convinced that, if you could only figure out what was wrong, you could restore her to that wonderful woman you saw 8 years ago -- an impossible task. Sadly, only she is capable of changing herself and she is unwilling to do it.


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