# Nightly phone calls...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My ex and I agreed that he would speak to the kids every night before they went to bed. I think it's a great idea in order to talk about their day, or whatever they wish to talk about.

Here's the problem, and I don't want to sound like a big b or anything. I do the calling and hand the phone over to one of the kids. So last night I called his house, no answer, so I called his cell. Stupid me stupid me, asks him where he is (I know none of my business), he says the g/f's parents house. I triggered so bad, I thought I was going to strangle someone. I held my cool, but I was feeling like crap. Then it dawned on me what a trigger feels like, and it gave me some insight into what my ex was going through....sucks. I also realized that a person can never realize what a person goes through until they go through it themselves, yet we expect others to automatically understand, but that's a whole other topic.....Now at best i would like to avoid triggers, duh..I know that every time I phone him, it's a trigger because I know she's probably there.....


How do I avoid this bull crap....I have enough to deal with, but to add this???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't avoid them. It just happens. They get better with time though. Just gotta talk yourself down.

He seems to be doing ok, considering what he went through. This is just the fallout of your actions. And it sucks. I've been there...long time ago...it sucks!!! But, it's how it goes.

Why do you do the calling though? Is it because you know when the kids are going to bed? Seems like it makes him a lazy father. He should be the one calling.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think if he calls it makes more sense, he's pretty good at making it a good time for the kids, not worried about that at all. I guess you're right I just have to deal with the trigger, I just don't want end up choking one of my animals...lol, kidding.

And the fact that he brings up the fact that he wants things written out legally, I get that, but just do it then, why keep talking about it, write it out and I will either agree or not..duh.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

From what I sense, and I could be wrong, but you cheated and you want to pretend that it never happened. But it did happen and you didn't get to control the outcome. To me, it seems like you just want everything neat and tidy and the ability to control everyone's emotions. I was there for a while years and years ago. I was naive in thinking my actions could upset the world THAT MUCH (well, my world), but they did and I had to deal with the consequences. And it took about 2 years to be ok with it and another few years to be over it. Yep. Long time. Doesn't make cheating sound too good knowing the outcome. 

Your triggers are valid and ok. I do think it's good you are able to talk yourself down from them a bit. However, I don't understand the trigger...is it because you wanted your husband to forgive your cheating and he didn't/couldn't? I am just trying to understand where you're coming from. When you cheated, did you think that things would be ok? (Granted, no one is really "thinking" when cheating)...but your ex has a gf now. Have you honestly accepted that reality and accepted the fact that your cheating set this all into motion?

I could be completely wrong. I forget your whole story...if he cheated too, then you guys are just toxic and it's good to have moved on.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> From what I sense, and I could be wrong, but you cheated and you want to pretend that it never happened. But it did happen and you didn't get to control the outcome. To me, it seems like you just want everything neat and tidy and the ability to control everyone's emotions. I was there for a while years and years ago. I was naive in thinking my actions could upset the world THAT MUCH (well, my world), but they did and I had to deal with the consequences. And it took about 2 years to be ok with it and another few years to be over it. Yep. Long time. Doesn't make cheating sound too good knowing the outcome.
> 
> Your triggers are valid and ok. I do think it's good you are able to talk yourself down from them a bit. However, I don't understand the trigger...is it because you wanted your husband to forgive your cheating and he didn't/couldn't? I am just trying to understand where you're coming from. When you cheated, did you think that things would be ok? (Granted, no one is really "thinking" when cheating)...but your ex has a gf now. Have you honestly accepted that reality and accepted the fact that your cheating set this all into motion?
> 
> I could be completely wrong. I forget your whole story...if he cheated too, then you guys are just toxic and it's good to have moved on.


You're so to the point....lol

Ok, here's the reason for the trigger, and a little insight to the full story that I really never shared up in the coping with the infidelity.

Yes, I cheated, and initially I expected him to move on quicker than expected, probably because he begged and begged me to take him back, I thought it would be a real change in our relationship. Then the anger set in a few days later, which I get now was totally normal. Ok, that's that part.

The part that really stings...getting better now though, is that for the full-year we were R he had a friendship with his g/f, I allowed it out of my own guilt over what I had done. It was not an appropriate relationship, and I asked him to end it. He did, and moped around the house barely talking for two weeks, until I gave in and said "fine talk to her if you want". I knew at that point he had given up, and I felt betrayed and was very angry....so yeah we became toxic to each other.

is it more clear??


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Is your ex a child? If not, why are you treating him like one, by making the call?

IMO, you need to tell him that his relationship with the kids is his, not yours. You think that it would be best for the kids, and that in the long run, it would be best for him to talk to them every night. Tell him that when (if) he calls, you'll hand the phone to the kids. Other than that, you have no responsibility for whether or not he calls. If he doesn't, then you can take that time to bond with the kids and share their lives with them. 

You are not responsible for whether or not your ex takes his parenting seriously. By making the call, you're being the nag, reminding him of his responsibilities. Not your job.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I totally agree with papa. Stop enabling him to be a lazy parent.

Yea, your story makes more sense, but was he talking to her before you cheated or after?

I just think he had an ego blow when you cheated, he wanted you back because of it but then realized he couldn't get past it, which is understandable. Cheating is horrible to go through on his side.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why did you trigger? What were the emotions about? Guilt or anger?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I totally agree w/ Papa! If he wants a relationship w/ his kids it's up to him to make it happen. I know you don't want it to effect the kids negatively but it's up to him. He knew you'd call his cell and he told you where he was... he didn't mind causing the pain. 

If he wants to suck as a dad... let him!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> Is your ex a child? If not, why are you treating him like one, by making the call?
> 
> IMO, you need to tell him that his relationship with the kids is his, not yours. You think that it would be best for the kids, and that in the long run, it would be best for him to talk to them every night. Tell him that when (if) he calls, you'll hand the phone to the kids. Other than that, you have no responsibility for whether or not he calls. If he doesn't, then you can take that time to bond with the kids and share their lives with them.
> 
> You are not responsible for whether or not your ex takes his parenting seriously. By making the call, you're being the nag, reminding him of his responsibilities. Not your job.


yeah, I know, I know. I guess it's difficult for me because i was always in charge of the parenting, and basically did everything related to the kids, he kind of took a back seat. So he calls when needing advice, calls to ask questions regarding the kids, it's like he's clueless sometimes. He is getting better, and did not call last weekend at all. I told him the kids don't need to call me, I'm ok with it.

Yes, he will be calling from now on, I guess I just don't want to talk to him, it's my freaking issue. My sister told me to "phone train" them, get the older to dial etc.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I totally agree w/ Papa! If he wants a relationship w/ his kids it's up to him to make it happen. I know you don't want it to effect the kids negatively but it's up to him. He knew you'd call his cell and he told you where he was... he didn't mind causing the pain.
> 
> If he wants to suck as a dad... let him!


You think that was done on purpose?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

does it matter if it was done on purpose? You asked, he answered.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I totally agree with papa. Stop enabling him to be a lazy parent.
> 
> Yea, your story makes more sense, but was he talking to her before you cheated or after?
> 
> I just think he had an ego blow when you cheated, he wanted you back because of it but then realized he couldn't get past it, which is understandable. Cheating is horrible to go through on his side.


I agree with you, he thought he could handle it for sure.

He was talking to her after.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

how old are the children?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You'd be mad if he lied to you, you're mad if he tells the truth. He's in another relationship after you cheated on him and your relationship ended. In any case, your relationship with him is over.

I'm not seeing how he's doing a lot wrong right now. How you respond to his actions is on you. If you can't handle the answers, stop asking the questions.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Why did you trigger? What were the emotions about? Guilt or anger?


I triggered because of the fact that he had some type of relationship with her before we ended ours, and every time I needed to call to have the kids say good night I just had the feeling she was there, it just kind of reminds me of the whole crappy year. Then when he tells me he's at her parents house, it yet triggers me more. She is a big trigger for me, and shouldn't she be??? and since I've met her in the past I have the stupid visuals to add to the triggers. He basically decided to give up working together because all of a sudden someone had fallen for him, and she was a younger woman no doubt. I also triggered because it also reminds me of what I did to him, the feelings etc. Then he casually mentioned one time that his g/f's family do a big Easter to do and that our kids would love it, and I was like "grrrrr, stop it".

One step forward, two steps back.....or

high tide and low tide...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> I triggered because of the fact that he had some type of relationship with her before we ended ours, and every time I needed to call to have the kids say good night I just had the feeling she was there, it just kind of reminds me of the whole crappy year. Then when he tells me he's at her parents house, it yet triggers me more. She is a big trigger for me, and shouldn't she be??? and since I've met her in the past I have the stupid visuals to add to the triggers. He basically decided to give up working together because all of a sudden someone had fallen for him, and she was a younger woman no doubt. I also triggered because it also reminds me of what I did to him, the feelings etc. Then he casually mentioned one time that his g/f's family do a big Easter to do and that our kids would love it, and I was like "grrrrr, stop it".
> 
> One step forward, two steps back.....or
> 
> high tide and low tide...


I don't think he left you for her because she fell for him. I think he was deeply affected by your cheating and the trust he lost in you. that's HUGE and I really don't think you get it. Sorry, i just don't.

As far as the nightly phone calls...if the kids are old enough, it should be between them and their dad. no need for you to even get involved. My ex calls our daughter daily. For a while he wasn't because he is selfish and a loser and I told her so, in better words though. People go through things in life...it happens. If the kids are old enough, I'm sure they get it and they can even call him when they want.

Are you sure you're not having these phone calls so you can hold on to him and talk to him daily? This is somewhat of the life you chose. I don't think he's done anything wrong. I just think you know you effed up and now you see you have no control over the situation and it's driving you nuts. Do you go out and enjoy other people's company?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think he left you for her because she fell for him. I think he was deeply affected by your cheating and the trust he lost in you. that's HUGE and I really don't think you get it. Sorry, i just don't.
> 
> As far as the nightly phone calls...if the kids are old enough, it should be between them and their dad. no need for you to even get involved. My ex calls our daughter daily. For a while he wasn't because he is selfish and a loser and I told her so, in better words though. People go through things in life...it happens. If the kids are old enough, I'm sure they get it and they can even call him when they want.
> 
> Are you sure you're not having these phone calls so you can hold on to him and talk to him daily? This is somewhat of the life you chose. I don't think he's done anything wrong. I just think you know you effed up and now you see you have no control over the situation and it's driving you nuts. Do you go out and enjoy other people's company?



While I think think the betrayal played a significant part, the presence of another option on the side did not help the marriage. She talks about how she let the relationship develop between them out of guilt. I pretty sure that working and her husband wouldn't be separated if she wasn't in the picture. She could well have been the cop out he needed (not unjustifiably) after he was initially pushing for R. If he got into a relationship so soon after the separation, he did not giver R a fair try(it is his choice though) and he is making the poor girl a rebound.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Very true. But that's on him...

the op's concern isn't that his gf if his rebound. She's just worried about herself and that her husband left. Which he had every right to do.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think he left you for her because she fell for him. I think he was deeply affected by your cheating and the trust he lost in you. that's HUGE and I really don't think you get it. Sorry, i just don't.
> 
> As far as the nightly phone calls...if the kids are old enough, it should be between them and their dad. no need for you to even get involved. My ex calls our daughter daily. For a while he wasn't because he is selfish and a loser and I told her so, in better words though. People go through things in life...it happens. If the kids are old enough, I'm sure they get it and they can even call him when they want.
> 
> Are you sure you're not having these phone calls so you can hold on to him and talk to him daily? This is somewhat of the life you chose. I don't think he's done anything wrong. I just think you know you effed up and now you see you have no control over the situation and it's driving you nuts. Do you go out and enjoy other people's company?


Man, you are soooo tough, you remind me of a cousin of mine, she was like "**** or get off the pot".

I'm not holding on to him, actually the opposite, I'm trying to let go, but you can't do that with a snap of you fingers, it's 25 years whether it was good or bad, or whatever.

I probably really don't get that I cheated and how it affected him, I would have to have had it done to me I guess. I don't want control either, I just don't want things thrown in my face, maybe it's not done on purpose, I guess he thinks it doesn't bother me because I don't show it.

Yes, I go out....lol. I'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself...geesh, you make me look like some crazy chick sitting at home plotting or something....I have several friends, most are attached, I hang out with my sister etc. I've gone on dates as well.

I think my real problem is that I'm stressed without a job, I get bored, think too much, come on here too much etc.

blah


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was just curious to your situation. I won't ask any more questions.



> I'm trying to let go, but you can't do that with a snap of you fingers, it's 25 years whether it was good or bad, or whatever.


But you cheated. You let go a while ago and cheated. He wasn't throwing anything in your face, he just answered a question.

Sorry you had a bad day. It does get easier with time.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

You do need to step back.. Your husband & your kids should call each other without you being involved. My daughter calls her dad when she comes from school.. That's their time and I don't ask about what they talk about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Working,

I will give you the same advice I gave you in your other thread. You need to let go. Your relationship is over but both you and your husband it seems are still trying to keep that last thread together. He has a g/f. Did you think he was going to join the church and become celibate? He started this friendship while you were both in R. But you admit that your heart wasn't in it and frankly neither was his it seems. Just part ways and stop torturing each other.

I am sorry you triggered though. I know what that is like and it really is hell. Please take care of yourself.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Working,
> 
> I will give you the same advice I gave you in your other thread. You need to let go. Your relationship is over but both you and your husband it seems are still trying to keep that last thread together. He has a g/f. Did you think he was going to join the church and become celibate? He started this friendship while you were both in R. But you admit that your heart wasn't in it and frankly neither was his it seems. Just part ways and stop torturing each other.
> 
> I am sorry you triggered though. I know what that is like and it really is hell. Please take care of yourself.


Thanks, I know what I need to do. He wanted me to come over Easter morning to watch the kids do their easter hunt. I just can't do it, as much as I will miss out on that activity, I just can't do that to us, we are just making everything more painful.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for their advice....that_girl, I do appreciate most of what you say, even if I do come accross as defensive sometimes....call it sexual frustration:rofl:.

Ex will call the kids, they will answer, and hang up. I don't ask them what they talk about ever, I usually just leave and go about my things.

I need to step back from everything.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Thanks, I know what I need to do. He wanted me to come over Easter morning to watch the kids do their easter hunt. I just can't do it, as much as I will miss out on that activity, I just can't do that to us, we are just making everything more painful.



I mentioned not inviting their father over to my older kids for Easter activities/dinner and they looked shocked as possible that it even entered my mind. They said that they didn't want him there. (Now my little ones would - but it wouldn't be in the best interest of our 'new' family). Of course he probably would have turned the invite down. I hope he misses us tons this wkd!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Spend some time with that new guy you met. Why suffer from sexual solitude? If your stbxh sure isn't with his new girlfriend, why should you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

working_together said:


> I triggered because of the fact that he had some type of relationship with her before we ended ours, and every time I needed to call to have the kids say good night I just had the feeling she was there, it just kind of reminds me of the whole crappy year. Then when he tells me he's at her parents house, it yet triggers me more. She is a big trigger for me, and shouldn't she be??? and since I've met her in the past I have the stupid visuals to add to the triggers. He basically decided to give up working together because all of a sudden someone had fallen for him, and she was a younger woman no doubt. I also triggered because it also reminds me of what I did to him, the feelings etc. Then he casually mentioned one time that his g/f's family do a big Easter to do and that our kids would love it, and I was like "grrrrr, stop it".
> 
> One step forward, two steps back.....or
> 
> high tide and low tide...


WT, you know I'm not a big fan of what you did to your husband. Having said that I think he's a f*cking jerk, and you are better off without him. Regardless of the pain you caused him with your affair, he has no right to turn around and flaunt another woman in your face.

I have rarely seen such blatant revenge behavior, and its disgusting.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, maybe I'm not the nut job I think I am....

If I didn't have some experience with bi-polar people then I would think I have it sometimes....re: ups and downs, one minute happy, the next sad, and then the rage kicks in....unfortunately my kids are really sensitive, and I hide it somewhat well (lol), but they feel every emotion, and act out on it.

Last night, I'm like "fvck this, I'm having a drink, and not rushing the kids to bed" I'm like the "bad mom" because of the strict routine etc. so I chilled, they watched a movie. Sometimes we just need to slow down.

earlier..

my ex sees my truck at the church where my daughter's sparks (girl guides) is, and decides to pop in to say hi to the kids....or so I thought. I didn't answer his calls all day, and I guess he was wondering why?? what is there to talk about? So he says hi, comes over to me (I'm in shock, and pissed) and says "I spoke to the mediator, and he told us that we can draw up our own custody agreement and take it to a lawyer", I responded in a low voice.."why did you come here to a kids activity to tell me this"....he goes on (not listening as usual), I repeated the same thing (seems to work with dumb people), and I said "call me later"..he was fit to be tied and left the room, the ****ty thing is the kids saw this.... and the other moms. He calls me up later, and apoligizes yet again for being rude, said a client bit him 3 times (psych client), and he was mad about it. So I guess crapping on me is ok, and apoligizing makes it all better??? go crap on your g/f, oh that's right can't do that to her, you might screw up a good thing.

It's nice to be outside the situation and look in and say "wow, did I really live with this person for 22 years"..

Then he adds "I think you should call the kids on weekends when I have them, just to say good night"...I said "I am with them all week, and I know they are fine with you, if they want to call me, tell them they can". The out of the blue he says "I spend more time with them anyway if you think about it, I see them Friday afternoon to Sunday morning all day", WTF is he talking about...normally I would argue and say something to counter, but I shut up ....yah for me. lol


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Your asking him "why did you come here to a kids activity to tell me this" was not a good move. By your own admission, you lived with him for 22 years so you should already know that he's an emotional ticking time bomb. Shouldn't your talks with him be kids and divorce related, and nothing more?


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Working, your concerns are very similar to the way my wife described going through her divorce with her first husband. The father not calling, the child support, numerous other things. I understand it is a process that happens during a divorce and seperation. It seems to me it is a lot like an affair. However anyone one thinks theirs is different and special and unlike anyone else's they all seem to have a lot of commonality together. 

I really do appreciate your comments on triggers and trying to empathize with your husband on them. I would agree that you do not want to know what they are like. They are hell!!! 

Please realize no matter what your husband was like before and the problems you had before in your marriage that what your husband is going through now may not make sense. He probably is not in a logical state of mind or thinking clearly. I would liken it to a boat being out on the ocean and flowing where ever the waves or current takes you. The engine doesn't run and there is no land in sight. A fog for the BS also. 

Don't know if this makes any sense but wanted to share.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chaos said:


> Your asking him "why did you come here to a kids activity to tell me this" was not a good move. By your own admission, you lived with him for 22 years so you should already know that he's an emotional ticking time bomb. Shouldn't your talks with him be kids and divorce related, and nothing more?


What was I supposed to say when he walked into the room?? I'm serious, I have no idea how to handle him sometimes, he's so in my face, and I react to it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Working, your concerns are very similar to the way my wife described going through her divorce with her first husband. The father not calling, the child support, numerous other things. I understand it is a process that happens during a divorce and seperation. It seems to me it is a lot like an affair. However anyone one thinks theirs is different and special and unlike anyone else's they all seem to have a lot of commonality together.
> 
> I really do appreciate your comments on triggers and trying to empathize with your husband on them. I would agree that you do not want to know what they are like. They are hell!!!
> 
> ...


Thanks, I think you're right, he's just trying to cope with everything, and on one hand he feels guilt for starting a new relationship so fast, but on the other hand, he wants me to suffer after what I did to him...his revenge. He's confused.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Perhaps you should consider treating him as if he was one of your clients.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

With my daughter's father, we were very business-like for about 8 years. We still dont' talk unless it's about our daughter, but there is an affection that has grown over the years and it's very much like family. Sure, he irritates the hell out of me with his lack of motivation to actually be MORE than a musician...he is somewhat of a deadbeat (when he used to be dad of the year) and he just lives a life that I think is a waste. But oh well, it's his life, not mine and that's the beauty of breakup. I don't have to give a crap, so long as our daughter and he keep up a relationship. he recently moved out of state, but they talk every day and they are still close. She's with him now til saturday. She flew out Monday to visit him. She's very happy. she visits him for weeks at a time during the year.

But he's like family. Like that cousin or brother that you just shake your head at and smile...because he just is who he is.

But that didn't happen overnight. Like I said, it was about 8 years before I just let go of trying to control that situation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And when I let go, it was sooo liberating! I just didn't want my kid to be hurt by a dad like I was hurt by my deadbeat dad. But when I removed myself from it, he actually picked up the slack and I was free from the stress. 

Sorry if I'm rambling. I've had some pain killers and a beer. LOL!


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## rrsmith (Apr 6, 2012)

you can't do anything. It happens automatically...
Don't feel so bad....


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Perhaps you should consider treating him as if he was one of your clients.


I like your idea, but I like my clients...:rofl:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And when I let go, it was sooo liberating! I just didn't want my kid to be hurt by a dad like I was hurt by my deadbeat dad. But when I removed myself from it, he actually picked up the slack and I was free from the stress.
> 
> Sorry if I'm rambling. I've had some pain killers and a beer. LOL!


I think you might be on to something about the whole father thing. My dad was a deadbeat dad, worse he never showed up at my wedding and said something creepy like "you don't really need me there do you?" WTF? maybe I'm afraid that my kids will go through something like that, IDK.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, but they probably won't...just let it go and stop trying to control that relationship...and see what happens. LET him be a dad...don't control it.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Enough of your stbxh, just fvck the new guy and relieve the stress. :rofl:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chaos said:


> Enough of your stbxh, just fvck the new guy and relieve the stress. :rofl:


lol, are you saying I`m obsessing over things I shouldn`t, yeah, I know I am.

What stress.....

tonight is the night....


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I hope you are the "kiss and tell" type.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You need to read my other thread in the mens`lounge `what makes a woman sexy`

The guy is a fvcking jerk, and maybe I am over reacting, but I got so turned off, I just wanted to eat my kids easter treats....grrr


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Good news about the nightly calls, my kids learned very quickly how to answer and hang up without me saying a word.

The bad news, after two days of no contact, ex calls in the middle of the day today to ask how they were feeling (sick with colds). Ugh


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

They are picking up and hanging up on him?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> They are picking up and hanging up on him?


lol

No, no, I guess I was not being clear. They answer, talk to him, then when they're done, one of them will hang the phone up. So for two days I had no contact with the ex, which was pleasant, and helps me not obsess about things that bother me.


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