# Should I stay or go?



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Greetings,

Here's the quick summary:

We met when she was married to someone else. She'd had 3 one-night stands before she met me. We flirted for a couple of months, we cheated. She got divorced pretty quickly thereafter.

We've been married for 12 years, together for 17 years. My wife started having a long-term affair 1 year after the birth of our first child (seven years ago, after 4 years of marriage). Apparently she broke it off, we had our second child, and then she resumed the affair.

I found about the affair 2 years ago (it had been going on for 5 years). (I later found out she'd also had a one-night stand with a second guy a month before I found out about the long-term affair.) She supposedly ended the affair. We went to counseling. She lied during the counseling, continued talking to LTA guy and started flirting with a third online friend. I caught her going to meet the LTA guy after 9 months of counseling (two Christmas's ago). In a fitting burst of karma, she lost her job right after the new year. I agreed to give her a shot. 5 months after she lost her job, I caught her having lunch with LTA guy again. I asked her for a divorce. She asked for another chance. I said this is what I need (honesty, respect, communication, intimacy). She agreed.

Since then our relationship has slowly (very slowly) gotten better in some respects (honesty, respect, truly breaking it off with LTA guy, not cheating), but there's absolutely no intimacy. (I'm pretty confident about this assessment, as I've gotten much wiser about how to keep tabs.)

She recently got a new job (after 13 months unemployed). She seems a lot happier (no longer miserable). We're getting along a lot better. I'm not as stressed or anxious about the infidelity. It's no longer horrible. But, I'm still not happy. This whole crucible has given me a much better perspective on what I want and need and I can clearly identify that this is improving but is not (yet) working for me.

That was longer than I meant as an introduction, but here's my question:

I've been faithful to her, I've stood by her while she was unemployed, I've given her repeated chances despite her repeated betrayals. In short, I've done my duty and can hold my head high (with the exception of how we met). Even though she's done nothing to "justify" divorce in the last 9 months, I'd feel perfectly comfortable leaving if it was just the 2 of us. (There's no one else ... I'd just rather be single.)

All that said, it's no longer bad (except for the lack of intimacy) and we have 2 wonderful children who are thriving. I want to be with them every day and most certainly wouldn't get to if we split up. Plus, it feels very selfish (putting myself above my children's needs) to leave now (whereas it didn't last year when I asked her for a divorce to get out of a relationship in which I was being emotionally destroyed and therefore not a good role model for my children).

Any thoughts on how to proceed? I'm really torn and feel like if I'm going to get a divorce, I should do it sooner rather than later.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I stayed in an unhappy marriage just to keep the kids from going through the pain of divorce. In hindsight, I would have left a long time ago. Having the kids watch their parents fight, disrespect each other, and have no love for each other makes for a very bad enviroment to raise kids.

I feel its better to remove the kids from the picture and focus on your relationship with your wife only. If you and your wife are happy the kids will be happy. If there is unhappiness in the house, the kids will be unhappy and they will act out in ways you dont want. If you are unhappy with your wife after all that has happened over the years with the infidelity, its time to look after your own happiness and move on.

You may find some enlightenment in the men's clubhouse. Seem to me there were sign of you being treated as a doormat in the past. Classis sign of a Mr. Nice Guy. Might be time to focus on yourself and start working on making yourself a better man, father, and husband. This is what I have been doing and I feel I am becoming a better man every day because of it. Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Only you can decide what you can handle---you say life is OK---but your wife has done so much cheating with at least 3 or more guys you know of---one of them being long-term---AND---you actually aided her in cheating on her 1st spouse---do you get the picture

I am willing to bet she will cheat again

Your sub-conscious is gonna give your problems about this the rest of your life----and her being there in front of you---will also trigger you-----at best you are looking at 2-5 years to get a solid R---and that could still be with you feeling miserable a good part of the time---especially when you are alone

If you are gonna stay---If I were you---I would demand a POST--NUP AGREEMENT---with a duress clause---let her know if she cheats again---you will take 80 to 90% of the marital assets there will be no alimony---and she will give up any joint custody---with a post--nup in place she just might think twice about risking her financial future, and life with her kids---just to have meaningless sex with some scumbag


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

100% I would get a divorce.
You have no marriage today.
In 13 years, you will have no more children and no marriage.
Start picking up the pieces now. You deserve happiness in your one shot in life. Your kids will have been affected by your wife's actions, not yours.


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