# Can I get over this guilt?



## fireflies (Jun 16, 2013)

Separated 7 months, I left, but I can't seem to move forward. I've been a "people pleaser" my whole life (something I really dislike about myself, btw) and so is my husband. We've done a lot of pretending in our 20+ year marriage. I just can't seem to get passed the guilt I feel for leaving and it drives many of my decisions and behaviors now. I still clean the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, etc. In short, I still take care of him because I feel guilty for leaving. I've considered going back, not because I miss him, but because it's the "right" thing to do. I just don't know how to get through this. I am going to individual counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> Separated 7 months, I left, but I can't seem to move forward. I've been a "people pleaser" my whole life (something I really dislike about myself, btw) and so is my husband. We've done a lot of pretending in our 20+ year marriage. I just can't seem to get passed the guilt I feel for leaving and it drives many of my decisions and behaviors now. I still clean the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, etc. In short, I still take care of him because I feel guilty for leaving. I've considered going back, not because I miss him, but because it's the "right" thing to do. I just don't know how to get through this. I am going to individual counseling.


I also felt guilty for leaving.
I just left last week, started first counseling on tuesday and will be doing some more.
I dont know why I still feel guilty sometimes, i think it is because deep inside I want to go back to my normal life and to him. It is strange to say that after everything I still love him. You need to stop doing things for him
I dont know your story, but you need to move as far away from him as possible.
It is a rollercoaster and it sucks but if you are 100% sure that your marriage does not work, then you need to move away.
Otherwise, work harder at, and attend MC together.


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Theres nothing wrong with being a people pleaser as long as you have balance in your life, or are being taken advantage of. Know your boundaries. 

Is it the right thing to do, or does it feel right? I think its important that you know the issues in your marriage took a while to get to the point you left, and its going to take a while for those same issues to get resolved, if your willing.

Marriage is supposed to be a 50/50 proposition, but we all know that sometimes it 90/10 or even 10/90. Someone is going to have to do the heavy lifting during those stretches. Don't score keep. Its not a contest, either you get thru the issues together, or you don't get thru them at all.

Theres a huge difference is "willing" and "wanting". Only you know whats right, feels right, worth an effort or walking away. My only recommendation is to make sure that your decision is because you put in 110%, have no regrets, and truly put your best effort forward.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Fireflies, I agree with Thumper; there's nothing wrong with being a people pleaser, as long as you have balance.

But you need to STOP taking care of him! That's not your job right now. It sounds like you've been taking care of him for a long time, and he needs to start taking care of himself. And YOU need to take care of YOU.

Have you discussed the guilt issue with your counselor? It's clear from your post that the guilt is keeping you from moving forward in any direction. It's keeping you from forging ahead on your own and creating an independent life for yourself (if that's what you want), and/or it's going to prevent you from addressing/fixing the issues in your marriage (if that's what you want).

If your counselor doesn't seem to think the guilt is a big issue or warrants much attention, you need to address that with the counselor as well. 

Guilt and worry are two emotions that seem to usurp the most amount of energy, but they offer little to no reward in return. You need to learn how to forgive yourself. I'm not saying that you bear no responsibility for the situation in which you find yourself, but you do need to recognize that you are human and none of us are perfect. 

I can't tell you how to do that; it's an ongoing battle for me as well, but I'm doing the best that I can. (And when I don't, I forgive myself for that, too.) But hopefully your counselor/therapist can help you with that.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your husband tried to make any changes during the separation? Will he go to counseling now? If he did not wake up during the separation, he may not make the needed changes to reconcile. Do you have children? If he is not making changes, trying to improve, or get counseling for depression, the situation may be hopeless. Are you moving toward divorce or do you want to get back together? If he is not trying, you can not change him. (of course, both marriage partners need to make changes for the marriage to be better)


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> Has your husband tried to make any changes during the separation? Will he go to counseling now? If he did not wake up during the separation, he may not make the needed changes to reconcile. Do you have children? If he is not making changes, trying to improve, or get counseling for depression, the situation may be hopeless. Are you moving toward divorce or do you want to get back together? If he is not trying, you can not change him. (of course, both marriage partners need to make changes for the marriage to be better)


:iagree:

He has to actually WANT to change, and he needs to believe he can do so. From my experience, if either of these pieces is missing for him, it won't work.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you need to look at this from different angles to figure out why you feel so guilty for leaving. 

Maybe it's not so much that you are a people pleaser, but that deep down you don't think you had justification for leaving. So you cannot quite leave, you take care of him, etc.

Why did you leave him. What was so bad in your marriage that you left it? You seem to be experiencing cognitive dissonance and are unable to resolve it. The way to do this is to follow each through and work through it until you determine which is accurate and which is not.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

You entered into a lifelong contract and you broke the contract. Plus, you have withheld sex from your husband for 2 years, correct? You should feel guilty, in my opinion. Go back to your husband and start having sex with him. Also, beg for forgiveness for your betrayal (not infidelity, but a different type of betrayal). That's the answer to your guilt.


----------

