# What to do?



## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

What can I do? My wife was sick for yearsI have taken care of her. Her love for me is gone she is saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She desperately wants to escape her present situation.
It is as if she has become possessed.

I suspect she is. 

Another voice in her head is giving her advice, bad advice, indeed. 
Some of those words 'heard'; are they the other man's, that 63 old devil?

She may be suffering from more than depression. It could be bi-polar disease that has led to psychosis.
Or something. 

The fact that she was hospitalized for 4 months tells us it was serious.

Post Natal Depression?
Ah, maybe, and maybe at first.

Sometimes having a strange set of genetics in your body (think female pregnancy), where your genes are mingled with hers, set her system a-twitter. The placenta is supposed to isolate this effect, but is not always effective in doing so.

And, this pregnancy set off a worse condition, likely one already present, though not presenting so much.
....................................................................................

You have lost the woman, let her go with your deepest sympathies.

You have important things to do with your life.
What?

LIVING WELL-

Presently you are not, and you are your wifes Living Will.
You have done enough for her, let her go.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

First off, you cannot make a choice for her. She is going to do what she wants to do, no amount of you wishing it were different will change this. You however are totally responsible for YOU. My first suggestion would be for you to seek individual counseling for your issues. Marriage counseling may be good, but would come 2nd after individual. That way you will work on what you can change.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When she says she no longer loves you, believe her.

On one hand, she could have stated that she no longer loves you to get you to leave, so that she is no longer a burden to you.
This would be an act of kindness.

But, in your case, she went and found a man-friend and wants to run off with him. So, that 'mostly dispels that theory.
She found your replacement, a father figure?

Why would she hook up with such an older dude?

Maybe, because he is much less a threat, as in sexually, or something along that line.
Or, so she thinks. She has no idea about what the guy is capable of. 
He has a much younger wife and still is seeking another? 
WTF.

Or, he was a handy, spinning suitor and she grabbed the ring, when he got in range.

She needs to sort out her feelings.
She does, not you.

You have a life to live, short as it is.
You have given your wife years of your effort, to no avail.

Or, so it seems...

_KB-_


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> You have given your wife years of your effort, to no avail.





Ron_Hobie said:


> she is chasing a fantasy. Somehow I cannot convince her. Is love a choice?


You are right, this is a fantasy, and no, you cannot convince her. Hollywood is powerful. Love IS a choice. It's her choice.
Right now, she loves sugar daddy, and not you. Let her go. Take care of your child, keep your child WITH YOU. Your child needs a parent who is not living in a "true romance" magazine, and very limited contact to the parent who is. Your wife is highly toxic for your child.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Had she not sought out another man, I would have spun my response differently.
I would have suggested giving her 'more' time.

But, alas, she didn't, she went for the other man's words, and went for your jugular.
I agree, she has gone about 'this' _calmly_. 

_Calmly_ kills, but slower.

She is wounded, maybe beyond repair.

Mental illness is a very serious condition, and is not to be scoffed at.
It should not be faced head-on, when an exit door exists.

The only exception, to not bailing, might be your child, or other close kin.


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

She is doing her tasks and taking care


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

When they say they no longer love you is the point where it more than likely is done.
It sounds like you have given her everything, and all she gives you in return is disdain.
You have two options:
If you want to try to make a go of it: You sit her down and tell her that if you are to remain together, she will undergo a full physical exam with a specialist of your choice. She will also undergo IC. If both of those actions yield improvement and it is advised, you will agree to MC with a specialist of your choosing. Tell her that if you are not her priority, you are not going to allow her to make you an option. For this to work, she needs to be all in to this regimen and all in to recapturing what you had. I would work through possible medication issues first, and allow time to see if IC is beneficial. If there is no progress after a reasonable time period, you are out. I won't type it all out, but you should look at best practices for dealing with an affair, from both your perspectives. Outline to her what she needs to do, and hold her fully accountable. I would also move for some type of postnup agreement. If she balks, go straight to option two.
Option two, you just file and go your separate ways with the only connection being the child. Be the best parent you can be and move on. Frankly, you may just want to cut to the chase and file, just to see what you have. You can slow it down, or back off if she is willing to do the work.
The key is you need to figure out what is best for you and your child and act accordingly. If you stay together, she needs to fix herself, repair the damage she has done with the affair, and make amends to you and help you heal. Settle for nothing less.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ron_Hobie said:


> What can I do? My wife was sick for two years (Depression). I have taken care of her. Her love for me is gone she is saying. She feels guilty about her illness, and that she owes me forever because I have made the sacrifice for taken care of her.
> 
> After the birth of our son my wife was diagnosed with postnatal depression. It was a severe Depression and she stayed four months in a mental hospital. Now 1 year later. Physically she is back in buisines but mentally still not doing well.
> 
> ...


@Ron_Hobie your wife probably did not have postnatal depression, it is more likely that she had postnatal psychosis, a much more severe condition.

Please ensure that your wife is receiving psychiatric care appropriate to this condition.

Your doctor should be able to point you in the direction of support for the family of patients with such mental health issues.

Stay strong, we are here for you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ron_Hobie said:


> She is taking responsibility for our child. I cannot complain about that. She is active. But she was lonely since we are expats. And she had no job. It was text contact and admitted that it was wrong. She is willing to work on our relationship. But my worry is her depression that is influencing her thoughts.


well - has she indicated she is totally willing to cut off all contact with the 63 year old guy?


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

Difficult to handle these things


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ron_Hobie said:


> What can I do? My wife was sick for two years (Depression). I have taken care of her. Her love for me is gone she is saying. She feels guilty about her illness, and that she owes me forever because I have made the sacrifice for taken care of her.
> 
> After the birth of our son my wife was diagnosed with postnatal depression. It was a severe Depression and she stayed four months in a mental hospital. Now 1 year later. Physically she is back in buisines but mentally still not doing well.
> 
> ...



Yes, depression an be debilitating, however it is no excuse to have an EA or PA. She is simply using it as an excuse and needs to get into therapy and stay there. It is likely her depression will go away over time and with the right treatment. You also say she has no feelings for the child, this sounds very strange. 
I think you need to get your ducks in a row and check out a lawyer and alternative child care. I would let her go and give her what she wants, she will soon see that far away fields are not green with grandpa after all.
You need to do the 180 on her and stop chasing after her. If she have feelings for this guy then I doubt her depression is the cause. Believe me when you are depressed chasing romantic relationships would be the last thing on one's mind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ron_Hobie said:


> She is taking responsibility for our child. I cannot complain about that. She is active. But she was lonely since we are expats. And she had no job. It was text contact and admitted that it was wrong. She is willing to work on our relationship. But my worry is her depression that is influencing her thoughts.


If you are expats she can still join an organisation or group, mothers group etc and get out and about. you are not responsible for her happiness and having an affair is not the first go-to.


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

aine said:


> Yes, depression an be debilitating, however it is no excuse to have an EA or PA. She is simply using it as an excuse and needs to get into therapy and stay there. It is likely her depression will go away over time and with the right treatment. You also say she has no feelings for the child, this sounds very strange.
> I think you need to get your ducks in a row and check out a lawyer and alternative child care. I would let her go and give her what she wants, she will soon see that far away fields are not green with grandpa after all.
> You need to do the 180 on her and stop chasing after her. If she have feelings for this guy then I doubt her depression is the cause. Believe me when you are depressed chasing romantic relationships would be the last thing on one's mind.


What is the 180?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ron_Hobie said:


> In autumn we travel to our homeland. She wants to meet him to check is off he is really the person she seems to like. And to get answers on questions how serious he is about it.
> 
> And she is stating, she wants to work on our marriage but she is afraid her connection feelings towards me and our sons will never return. She doesn't hate me and there are no big fights or so.
> 
> ...


Tell her if she wants to pursue this other man, you will not be Plan B. Get a lawyer and have papers ready for her. This is absolute BS! Do not be a door mat. Being depressed does not give her a licence to treat you so callously and with no respect, tell her this. I know you are concerned about her mental state but this is not the way to go, if she really is so mentally unstable maybe she should be back in the hospital.


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

What about confronting the guy who is chasing her? The guy is flirting always. 

Write him an email about what he did to our marriage. But that he is also destroying a chance of a stable future for our son. That is is also responsible for taking away a happy relationship between the father and mother of a child. Is that adviseble?

The guy is teacher and does volunteer jobs for several charity organizations. I don't want to blackmail of threat. That is not a solution but let him know what he is doing to the future of my child.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ron_Hobie said:


> She wants to meet him to check is off he is really the person she seems to like. And to get answers on questions how serious he is about it.
> 
> And she is stating, she wants to work on our marriage but she is afraid her connection feelings towards me and our sons will never return. She doesn't hate me and there are no big fights or so.
> 
> ...


My man. Tell me you're not stupid enough and/or that damn weak and p-whipped to go along with her meeting him. Take my word for it dawg, her pain and low self image is really no more than her lack of interest and respect for you. Basically, thinking you were doing the right thing, you played her boy servant and pandered to her ever want, for so long, she lost interest in you. Women are like that. Do a little research. The knight always trying to rescue the damsel in distress ends up as road kill.
What can I do?, you ask. Tell her if there's a hint of her meeting this cat, she can stay in her mudderf-ing homeland because you're through with her and her mostly bullschitt depression and she can let "Gramps" paddle her damn boat from here on out. Ron, you need to stop the chick from pushing your ass around. That's why she's lost interest in you. You're way too much of a "Yes my Queen" kind of a guy and they are always a loser with the chicks. Believe me, she's got nothing a mentally healthy chick hasn't got. On the plus side, if you let her ditch you for another man, you won't be having to put up with this Munchausen when she 50.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> her pain and low self image is really no more than her lack of interest and respect for you.


Correct. She "lost feelings for you and your child".... then tell her to hit the ****ing pike, and don't come back.



VladDracul said:


> if you let her ditch you for another man, you won't be having to put up with this Munchausen when she 50.


absolutely correct. You, and your child, are going to endure an awful life, unless you get rid of her. Gramps is going to curse the day he ever saw her. Guaranteed. But let that be him, and not you. He deserves it, you don't.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am sorry that her mental state is fragile. I am fairly certain, though, that her lengthy depression has changed her ability to love and understand what love is. I would recommend that you adopt the 180 and detach. It will save you trying to mend something that is likely irreparable. I have been around the results of long term mental illness. Nothing pretty to say the least. Now, that is not to say that whatever is clouding her thoughts may someday disappear, but if you were my client, I would recommend saving yourself and your child. At this time, deep individual therapy for your wife is needed. Given her mental state, she may not be the best caretaker for your child. Last big recommendation. You need to see both a lawyer and a social worker. This is not an ideal situation to be raising a child.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Ron_Hobie said:


> What is the 180?











The Pretzel Logic of the 180 - ChumpLady.com


If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis...




www.chumplady.com


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Ron_Hobie said:


> What about confronting the guy who is chasing her? The guy is flirting always.
> 
> Write him an email about what he did to our marriage. But that he is also destroying a chance of a stable future for our son. That is is also responsible for taking away a happy relationship between the father and mother of a child. Is that adviseble?
> 
> The guy is teacher and does volunteer jobs for several charity organizations. I don't want to blackmail of threat. That is not a solution but let him know what he is doing to the future of my child.


Unless he is married, and you can utilize his wife as a force multiplier, that is a waste of time.
This guy is merely a symptom. You are married to the disease.
You need to utilize every ounce of energy into breaking your wife down to base level and hopefully obtaining some clarity.
The 180 and a SOB divorce attorney are two of the most effective tools in the box to accomplish progress.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is broken in a way you cannot fix. She is telling you the truth that she is infatuated with this guy and wants to meet with him to make sure he wants her. If he does, then she is gone.

I know you want to protect the mother of your child from a painful bad decision. But she is an adult and you cannot force her back into a marriage she has already left.

Let her go and protect yourself and your child.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

There was a post earlier this year about a wife who fell for someone else and her husband agreed to let her go **** him. He was full of hopium that she would get it out of her system. Unfortunately that’s not the way it works. If my spouse left to do that, myself and our family would become a distant dream for her.

Bring out your inner beast Ron and end the ********. If she wants grandpa ( by the way, some of us grandpas still have it! Just a little defence for us old timers lol). Forgive my attempt at humour. 

Let her know that she’s welcome to go, but not as your wife And under no uncertain terms will she be welcome back.

She ends it now or buhbye.

wishing you the best for you and your family.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

tell WW that she is free to meet the OM, but not as your wife, file to
divorce her. this is the only chance that you have to wake her up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldtruck said:


> tell WW that she is free to meet the OM, but not as your wife, file to
> divorce her. this is the only chance that you have to wake her up.


I agree with this. 

She has a basic human right to get with whoever she wants. 

But she doesn’t have the right to expect to remain married and have her husband simply wait patiently on the shelf while she meets and rest drives a potential new suitor and expect him to wait until her final verdict. 

If she wants a new man, that’s her prerogative but there is no reason for you to sit and wait to see how that relationship pans out. 

She can divorce you and then do whatever she wants. 

That way you can also move on with your life and do whatever you want as well without sitting around while she test drives various dudes for size to be your replacement.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Sorry, but see a lawyer ASAP!
Tell her that you will never allow yourself to be considered her “Plan B”!!!

try to gather all information you have access to currently, and since they are laying around your home, I assume you do have a right to them, and give to your lawyer when custody becomes an issue

Good luck
Stay strong
And ALWAYS do what is best for you and your son!!!!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@Oldtimer @oldtruck and @oldshirt all in a row---that's tried and true advice!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I agree with the all the "old" guys...I am one myself. Something similar happened to me when I had been married about 25 years. My wife was walking out the door to meet her EA crush for dinner and drinks when I accidentally found out where she was headed and who she was meeting. I told her if she walked through the door she should pack her stuff and take it with her as we would not be married much longer. She did not go. We had 2 young kids at the time. She stayed. But I can tell you that if she had gone, I would have divorced her. No self respecting man wants a woman who does not want him and does not respect him. Truthfully, the reason I even gave her the option to stay was for my children. The trust I previously had in my wife was never the same.

My wife never said what your wife has. If she had, I would have not given her the option to stay married.

If she is truly emotionally attached with this OM, and says she has no feelings for you and your son, you should let her go. Tell her you will provide a one-way ticket for her to go to him but if she leaves she is not to come back. Remove yourself and your marriage as an option for her if she decides to go. Make her sign a separation agreement giving you full custody of your son and all common property.

Contacting the OM will do no good. It will probably just increase her feelings for him if he continues to chase her after you warn him off. And believe me, OM cares nothing about the future of your son or your marriage.

And don't put all this on OM. He is an Ahole for chasing a married woman, but she is the married woman who decided that he looks to be a better option than her husband and child.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> My man. Tell me you're not stupid enough and/or that damn weak and p-whipped to go along with her meeting him. Take my word for it dawg, her pain and low self image is really no more than her lack of interest and respect for you. Basically, thinking you were doing the right thing, you played her boy servant and pandered to her ever want, for so long, she lost interest in you. Women are like that. Do a little research. The knight always trying to rescue the damsel in distress ends up as road kill.
> What can I do?, you ask. Tell her if there's a hint of her meeting this cat, she can stay in her mudderf-ing homeland because you're through with her and her mostly bullschitt depression and she can let "Gramps" paddle her damn boat from here on out. Ron, you need to stop the chick from pushing your ass around. That's why she's lost interest in you. You're way too much of a "Yes my Queen" kind of a guy and they are always a loser with the chicks. Believe me, she's got nothing a mentally healthy chick hasn't got. On the plus side, if you let her ditch you for another man, you won't be having to put up with this Munchausen when she 50.


This could not be more bang on. 

You have to let her jump off your lily pad. You are the safe place she knows will be waiting for her after she sows her wild oats with some stranger. She knows you'll take her back no matter what. And she's aiming to take advantage of you, to the extreme.

This notion of "letting" her meet some man is absolute garbage. Do you want to be a cuckhold?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

At MINIMUM you do whatever it takes to NOT let her be the unsupervised caregiver for your child. If she has a mental incapacity that could endanger the child, she already says she has no feelings for you and the kid, then you must ensure your kid's safety and well-being.

Postpartum depression and psychosis are serious things, Especially knowing she was hospitalized for four months!

At this point, see if you can find out her mental health records as her husband. Is she suicidal?

Connect with with doctor, ask questions about her state of mind, risk to the child.

And, as others have stated, consult with a lawyer. Seek a divorce. Seek full custody of your kid.

BTW, lock your kid's passport up where she cannot get to it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Ron, if I may. I have been in this industry now for over 40 years. You are not the first spouse to lose a living loved one to a disease that does not show anywhere on an x-ray or can be monitored by an electronic device. The person you see before you is not the woman you married. This bundle of needs, wants, pain, and whatever else is the leftover. Your wife is gone, the part that you loved, at least. I have, in my career, assisted in severing several marriages of this nature. I believe that the healthy spouse will be dragged into it, or be negatively affected. I have watched a set of parents take their mentally ill daughter back in. Her husband could not endure another second. She jumped from threatening suicide, to deep lengthy catatonic periods. Her defense mechanism appeared to be complete catatonia whenever faced with minor negative stimulus. We recommended long term commitment subsequent to a physician's advice. Her parents did not want the stigma of their separated daughter, being institutionalized. Against advice, they kept her. The daily outbursts, coupled with self destruction soon made their home unlivable. They were forced to institutionalize her. Unfortunately, whoever checked her into the institution missed something. She somehow was left to her own devices, and found that bedsheets could be used to inflict mortal damage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you agree to let her go and visit him, she will have sex with him, and you will have all but given her your blessing to do so. Forgive me but you need to act like a man and be the father your son deserves, and that means taking no disrespect from your wife. Her mental illness does not give her the right to abuse you like this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

There's one piece of advice you need to follow - when someone tells you something you DON'T want to hear, they're usually telling you the *truth*.

If it makes you feel better to blame her 'depression' and Mercury being in Retograde and everything else you can think of for her **** behavior, then go ahead. Whatever gets you through the night, I guess.


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