# She's cheating and has my son: now what



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

I am a 33 year old male. I have been with my "current" wife for 14 years. Married to her for 8 years. She has recently moved out of my house and in with her parents. Her excuse was that she was lonely and I didn't pay enough attention to her and my son. Rewind to the beginning. We married out of college. Both have teaching degrees. We couldn't find any jobs so I offered to be the workhorse for her and my son until she found a "career". I work in a dirty factory and make decent money. Enough that we were able to keep her home. Due to the agreement we made, I was working a lot of overtime so that she could afford to buy all the things she wanted. It has been fun and games for her and my son while I have most likely scraped 10 years off my overall lifespan working in this hell hole to provide for her. I'm not perfect but I tried. She relapsed on opiates less than 2 years ago draining all accounts and completely ignoring everyone around her. I got her out of that and got her help. She's gotten in trouble shoplifting. I got her out of that. Like I told my lawyer, she couldn't get a slurpie without me. Currently, she has a restraining order on me saying I beat her up even though I have a black eye and she has my son, who is NOT on the restraint order. The guy she's with is almost 20 years older than she is. They met in AA. he has been feeding her information on how to go about this considering he has been divorced a few times to my knowledge. ANYHOW I am to the point where I have no idea what to do or think. After reading a post on her about "how to know if your spouse is cheating" I had to register and let it out. The article I wrote was MY SITUATION. Her not knowing what she wants (marriage or no; while still seeing her sugar daddy), her on the fence about everything, she's never around, won't talk to me, the whole deal. It was almost scary how my situation relates. I have cut her off in just about every way possible. I have one of the best lawyers in town and me being a decent human being, know just about everyone of importance in this town. I spoke with the police officer on his private cell phone immediately after she accused me of beating her up. Needless to say no one was arrested. I am trying to keep a level head about the situation for my son who I am very worried for. She has him around a man she hasn't known for 2 months? Any and ALL advice is more than welcome. I have given up everyone for this woman and have been treated as though I never did anything for her. She's planning on taking everything including my son. What do I do??


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Also I have proof of the relationship. Text messages as well as phone records. She's sucked me dry and Its not even remotely fair! Any help is appreciated.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Tanky66,
You make no mention of wanting her back in your post and I hope that was intentional. This woman is severely broken and in need of in depth psychological therapy. I, as you, also feel she is a threat to your son's well being. I believe that you should move to D her with as much haste as is possible. You should petition for full custody of your son on the grounds of drug abuse and physical endangerment and/or whatever other grounds your attorney recommends.

I regret to inform you that repairing her and your marriage is all but impossible and by that I mean so much so that I feel it would be futile to attempt it. She is a user and abuser and staying with her would mean you continue to get used and abused.

Additionally, the 10 years you feel you've "lost" by supporting her and her habits were not just for her, they have given you a son and him a home, at least until recently. Be strong and rally for your son in this time because the way she is thinking, you are his only real parent at the moment. More advice will follow. I wish you well.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Gather evidence, and keep it hidden. communicate through text and email only, or have her leave a voice mail. Just remember to document everything. You have to play smart, and not show your hand.

Work on yourself, and find a job you like. Learn to be thrifty, and start doing what is best for you and your son. Start having fun, and get new hobbies, go back to school, or put that time and energy into you, and what you can do to improve. If you haven't done already, separate all finances. If you need the money, sell the things that you don't need. 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop wearing the wedding ring. It symbolism has lost all meaning, and it may make you stronger in your resolve. I would sell it or throw it away. 

If for some reason you ever get back together, you would not want that ring, as it symbolizes the past. Judging from your post, I hope that you don't get back together.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

It is time to take the bull by the horns. Do not let her dictate the terms of yalls demise. You need to go see a lawyer ASAP, and get custody of your son. If she is truly an addict, your son needs to be as far away as possible from this "lady".


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Tough as it sounds, you'll have to try to be patient.

Think every move you make thru carefully and tactically. Get all the info to your attorney, and make sure he uses it, and builds your case with it. If she has addictions, keep those in the forefront.

Try to get in court and get a temp or emergency custody order. 
Don't be rash. Keep your cool. She is a screw up, and will continues to give you ammo against her if you keep your eyes open and wait.

Also, make sure you've got the right attorney. There are now more attorneys specializing in the area of father's rights. Heard those commercials on radio for Cordell & Cordell? Make sure your lawyer is sharp and up to the challenge.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Just have to ask: did you beat her up? All you say is nobody was arrested and you have a black eye, not specifically that you didn't beat her up or didn't lay a finger on her. Was there violence by both of you?

And you both have teaching degrees but she couldn't find work and all you could get was dirty factory work? Really? Teachers are high demand, so where are you located? 

Something is missing here.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Forest said:


> Tough as it sounds, you'll have to try to be patient.
> 
> Think every move you make thru carefully and tactically. Get all the info to your attorney, and make sure he uses it, and builds your case with it. If she has addictions, keep those in the forefront.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Launch a prosecution against her for assault. Ask for custody of your child. And use a VAR for self-protection.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do a back round check on OM...
You need to know how much danger your kid is really in.

Go see your kid at the inlaws as much as you can. You don't need permission to see your own son.....besides your MIL sees your son more then anyone else right now.

Your wife is out running around you have all kinds of oppertunity to just show up and be with your son.

Just don't break the restraining order. If you see her go away and wait until she leaves your son with the MIL.....I bet it happens more then you think.

I think it's a sure bet to show up on any given Friday or Saturday night and your son will be alone with his grandma.

My first order of business would be to set up a temp order for custody/visitation. so go down to the court house and talk to the cleck about what paper work you need.

You also need to get that DV charge dismissed for lack of evidence. Talk to the DA and find out if he plans to press or not. See right now its still just a report and is floating around just waiting for some kind of action to be taken. So the report needs to filed and dealt with or dismissed.

Your old lady now has a document putting you in a bad light ....that needs to go away. In fact you making sure some sort of action is done with this document will most like be in your favor and in the future shows a judge she made a false claim against you.

Having been there.......the police report is still floating around so make sure the DA takes action to either press or dismiss. In my case the DA dropped it cuz my old lady would not give a statement. In your case you actually didn't do anything so the DA has no evidence to proceed.
Do you have the police report? Was she examined or did she refuse treatment?

You are in for a long war, so you need to win this first battle, your second battle is visitation/custody.....in a a year from now, a judge will look at all the battles you have won and make a better judgment in your favor. If you sit back you will be screwed latter down the road.

At the end of the day it doesn't take a lot of money to be a good dad and a good citizen.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to talk to your lawyer and work out a plan with them. 

C


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you file a restaining order to keep the OM away from your son?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just so you know... the mothers boyfriend is the highest category of child predators. It beats out relatives, family friends, and even priests.

Family friend was number two.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Tanky66 said:


> Due to the agreement we made, I was working a lot of overtime so that she could afford to buy all the things she wanted.


Whatjew mean you had an agreement to furnish all the stuff she wanted? How the hell did you get talked into that? Based on what you've said, my advise is to get out as quick as you can.
With folks like your old lady, it don't get no better my man. Remember, you don't have to be a cowboy to ride off into the sunset.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Tanky, 

Are you ready to kick some Donkey!!! If the answer is yes then lets do it.

You need a plan. Planning is key and from here on out you must realize that she is now your adversary and thus all bets are off. Do not let the resonating feelings of yore sway what you NEED to do; K.O. the bully. 

Start by revisiting the beginning of your relationship with her and there after. You claim she had charges of shoplifting, reproduce the evidence of this account, regardless if charges were present or not. She became attached on Opiates, and then again later, which you assisted her in turning her life around regarding this. Get the proof of this and establish a timeline detailing her addiction to opiates. 

She has assaulted you and also filed a restraining order against you. However you state the there is no pending R.O. regarding your son and your ability to be around him. If this is true and there is no court mandated custody in place then FYI, you have more leverage in this than you think. 

Consult a lawyer immediately and describe your situation. You will get nowhere with the infidelity issue as the courts really don't care anymore. Now what you can do is get the court to acknowledge her behavior and actions around the child she may have been doing that some would deem as questionable, neglectful or even immoral. Is Jr. confined in his bedroom so mom can talk to her "friend" for a bit (3,4 hours or more). Is he being fed properly, isolated from her by her. Get information. Check your states Children's Standard of Living form and highlight the applicable topics and issues of concern related to you problem.

She may have left the home but is responsible for her share of the bills, regardless if she makes money or not. Make sure you time stamp when she left and produce any and all costs incurred from that point after. Do not take on any more debt or dispose of for money any materials that is considered joint property. Once you file, not if, any, every and all items of a common use nature is considered marital property. This protects you and inconveniences her. Get a camera and take household snap shots of every thing. And I do mean everything and ensure you take inventory of most items as well. This also means she has to bring back whatever items of interest to the marital home. 

Do not agree to mutual day to day terms without documentation. Spoken agreements produce no proof. Do not giver her cash, as this provides no receipt. Do not agree to release material from the house that is of interest to you or high dollar value without her signing for it. 

Start formulating a budget on your basic needs and prepare to get used to living on less. Although she has got a teaching degree the fact that she either never or barely worked will weigh against you in terms of alimony. But alas, if you play it smart you may be able to prove she killed or did not nurture her own career ability thus lowering you payments, maybe?!

That's all for now. Get started.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Tanky,

I think you have done good work. You have a good attorney because you will need one. And you don't deserve to be put into a bad position because you sound like an honestly good guy.

These are my thoughts;


1) Your relationship is dead. Move on.
2) Don't be naive and violate the order. Everything goes through the attorney. Try getting the order dropped and don't allow it to become a long term one.
3) File for divorce immediately and be very aggressive. 

If you have any thoughts otherwise, ask yourself if this woman would lie and put you out of your house while cheating on you, how would you ever be able to trust her again and the answer is you can't !!!!!! 

Protect your son the best you can. If you can label her as a drug addict successfully, you will probably get primary custody. 

I work in the law enforcement field, many can lie and get an order easily and without retribution, even if found out to be lying. This is no reflection on you.

Just clean house


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You have the best lawyer in town so I'm sure they already have started the process of petitioning the court for the return of your child to their home(the marital home) coupled with a temporary Emergency Custody order. Of course that order will list the child's primary legal residence as being the marital home and list you, as the sole remaining adult resident at that address, as the Primary Legal Custodian of the minor child. It would go on to elaborate on things like pick up and drop off times and locations. The locations of course will be public places like the inside of a nearby gas station that has security cameras in case your wife acts the fool. Right of First Refusal would be in that order also. Along with temporary Child Support amount and the payment method(through the state agency, naturally). 

Your lawyer did that today, right?

PS - after that's all settled and you have kiddo for 50/50 or better along with primary legal and residential, you drag your feet. To be sure, you know. The longer the order is in place and functional the more status quo you have at final.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Document EVERYTHING you can, with dates and times if possible. Document her drug use, the fact she is in AA, everything.

Your attorney knows about the restraining order, so let him/her deal with that for you.

Tell your attorney, "Do whatever you have to do to get my son away from this unfit mother!!" Let them fight dirty if they have to. Your son does not need to be with a F'd up wench like her.

Do NOT talk to her about ANYTHING with regards to a divorce. If she asks you a question, tell her to have her attorney talk to your attorney. Do not engage because anything you say can be used.

Let your attorney guide you but let him/her know that you want to do whatever it takes. Document everything, have your attorney get an angle on the bogus restraining order, and get your son away from her.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Forest said:


> Tough as it sounds, you'll have to try to be patient.
> 
> Think every move you make thru carefully and tactically. Get all the info to your attorney, and make sure he uses it, and builds your case with it. If she has addictions, keep those in the forefront.
> 
> ...





lifeistooshort said:


> Just have to ask: did you beat her up? All you say is nobody was arrested and you have a black eye, not specifically that you didn't beat her up or didn't lay a finger on her. Was there violence by both of you?
> 
> And you both have teaching degrees but she couldn't find work and all you could get was dirty factory work? Really? Teachers are high demand, so where are you located?
> 
> Something is missing here.



I have never in the years I have been alive so much as put my hand on her or any other woman. A friend of mine gave me a call last night to remind me to play it smart and not show my hand as some have stated. He's also reminded me that she has had me mentally and physically cornered more times than can count and yet I never touched her. Not a good time to start. 

I tried numerous times to try and repair this. For the sake of my son as well as the vows I took, I feel as though we need to treat the entire situation with everything we have. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I know the last few times I cried and begged for another chance, she said she has nothing else to give. I told her the beautiful thing about marriage and being human is that we make mistakes and giving each other a chance to make it right is something she should be all over. Instead, she can't even look me in the eye. I recently found out she was with her BF in church holding hands. These are the things that are absolutely killing me. She has basically plucked me from her life as though I was a piece of trash. Of course, I am not innocent in all this but working tons of overtime and sleeping so I can pull another 16 hour shift is not justifiable grounds to do what she's doing. 

I have documented everything I can. All the way down to her arguing with her mother, which is now her temporary address, and storming out at all times of the night with my son leaving everyone to worry where she's going. It's very hard to actually process in my mind that someone who I have known for 14 years (probably longer), and married to for 8 can write me off the way she is doing. 

I am in Ohio. When I started my college career years back, teachers were in high demand. When I graduated some years later, that demand was no longer. The healthcare thing was where it was at. We both attempted to find jobs in the same state for that matter but to no avail. We both agreed that family was here and we should stay relatively close. Also, she has had heart issues since birth and her doctors are here (she's has atrial fibrillation, eppstiens anomaly, wolf Parkinson's white, and a pace make). She's had half a dozen open heart surgeries with no care that she has a husband and little boy. She has been very reckless for a long time and she still holds no feelings that I was the one sacrificing my time, money, and life for that matter to make sure she stayed healthy and wanted for nothing. 

I see my lawyer this afternoon and will make sure to keep everyone posted. I truly appreciate everyone's input on this matter. I am very thankful there are still people out there who care enough in the world to give advice to a complete stranger. Any and all advice is more than welcome. This is my first go around (hopefully my last) at being cheated on and divorce. I'll end this novel for now. I tried to answer everyone's questions. If I didn't I'll continue later. Thanks again everyone. You mean the world to me right now.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have taken everything into account. I am currently in the process of trying to get everything together considering she didn't make it easy on anyone including herself. I worked so she was in charge of bills, which apparently weren't geting paid. I feel as though I'm just getting hosed here seeing she has her bf AND my boy. My sister works for the courts so I could not have been more blessed. Thanks again and keep it coming. Any ideas that can give me an upper hand is greatly appreciated!


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Malpheous said:


> You have the best lawyer in town so I'm sure they already have started the process of petitioning the court for the return of your child to their home(the marital home) coupled with a temporary Emergency Custody order. Of course that order will list the child's primary legal residence as being the marital home and list you, as the sole remaining adult resident at that address, as the Primary Legal Custodian of the minor child. It would go on to elaborate on things like pick up and drop off times and locations. The locations of course will be public places like the inside of a nearby gas station that has security cameras in case your wife acts the fool. Right of First Refusal would be in that order also. Along with temporary Child Support amount and the payment method(through the state agency, naturally).
> 
> Your lawyer did that today, right?
> 
> PS - after that's all settled and you have kiddo for 50/50 or better along with primary legal and residential, you drag your feet. To be sure, you know. The longer the order is in place and functional the more status quo you have at final.


Awesome. Honestly you pretty much took the words out of his mouth. Even though everyone says I should file divorce so I can address my custody issues. With my sis working at the courthouse, she says the sheriffs office basically think with one brain. Even though my son isn't on the RO, I really don't have a lot to go off of. Thanks again and keep it coming. Like I said before, the state of Ohio's custody laws are a little off in my opinion. Anything to give me leverage is welcome!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How do you know that your old lady is draging your kid out in all hours of the night?

You and your lawyer most put a stop to that ASAP!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How old is your son?

If he is of school age I recommend contacting his school and getting his grades and his attentence record and give a copy to your lawyer.

I'm guessing (if he is in school) his attentence looks like crap.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. I could never take her back even if I wanted. She has gone to point of no return. I just got back from my lawyers a little bit ago. Apparently, I've done a damn good job at protecting her and keeping her out of trouble. The ruled the shoplifting charge to a diversion....,.? Whatever that means. So I really have nothing on her except that she no longer wants to be here. This has been a really tough pill to swallow. With Christmas coming and me knowing that she's with someone else is absolutely the hardest thing I've had to go through. Thanks again


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

I spoke with my attorney and I just don't get the feeling that this is going to work in my favor. I feel as though I need to pinch myself so I wake up. Still not sure where to go from here really. The only good thing he said was that I am allowed to get my son whenever seeing he isn't on the restraining order. Just breaks my heart to know that some dude that she hasn't known that long is actually attempting to claim what I have worked so damn hard for. And she is going along with it as well as everyone else involved. I haven't done anything to deserve this and makes me so want to just take this out of the courts hands.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

My son is 5 years old. So damn innocent and doesn't deserve any of this. I always told his mother that she was a damn good mother (before all this), but a horrible wife. She only worried about him, which was ok to me. He's my world anyhow. I was just content knowing that I had a family. My wife, who pretty much had a free ride essentially along with my protection and backing in any endever she chose, and my son who I gave the world too. She basically was his friend. I dealt with pretty much all discipline issues and when he turned on her, I'd have to deal with it. To me, children need discipline and structure. My son and I understood each other and have a great relationship. I could tell thinking back that she was losing it. Telling me how stressed she was. From what, I couldn't say. Think I was just way to easy on her and now I'm paying for it.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

The proof is where I'm struggling. She was never charged with anything. Dunno what to do.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Gather evidence, and keep it hidden. communicate through text and email only, or have her leave a voice mail. Just remember to document everything. You have to play smart, and not show your hand.
> 
> Work on yourself, and find a job you like. Learn to be thrifty, and start doing what is best for you and your son. Start having fun, and get new hobbies, go back to school, or put that time and energy into you, and what you can do to improve. If you haven't done already, separate all finances. If you need the money, sell the things that you don't need.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your advice. I never really wore a ring because I sold it to pay her debts. That and working in a factory was never a good idea. He ring is sitting in the pawn shop with every other piece of jewelry I ever bought her. Like I said before, I couldn't take her back if I wanted. She has royally screwed up any chance for reconciliation. It's like when they say think about what you say before you say it, bc once it's said, it can't be taken back. That's where she is and I've told her that numerous times. With the restraining order, there isn't a whole lot I can do. She lives in the past. Anything she ever said was about the past. That's how I knew it was really done with. Her resentments were to deep. That or this relationship with another man is so strong that she wants nothing else. That's really what hurts my heart. As cheesy as it sounds, adultery is a sin in which I find morally wrong on so many levels. That was the reason I married her. She was catholic with strong beliefs. I was her "first" for cripes sake. I have no idea who this person even is anymore. Almost possessed.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

And I've pretty much already started selling everything I own personally. All my expensive tools are gone or a majority of them. The guns are starting to go except for the ones I refuse to get rid of. Thank god my sister works for the courts so she gave me a heads up as to when they were going to serve me with the order. I pretty much boxed up anything in the gun safe and gave it to my mother. Guess it's a good thing for his sake that I do not have access to my firearms.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When was the last time you saw your son?


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Tanky,

I will private message you tonight or in the morning with some ideas. So look for it In the meantime, hang in there


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are a couple of other threads that touch the problems of opiate addiction: GutPunch's journal and (?)shadow – someone help with the name please.

Addicts love their drugs. The other man in an enabler. They may or may not be truly in love. Being married to you required taking responsibility. So, her affair is a flight from being the person she ought to be.

Read about the 180 and practice it religiously. Get a lawyer to get custody. in fact, given her addiction, the court may make you sole custodian.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

the guy said:


> When was the last time you saw your son?


It's been over a week since I saw him. I'm pretty much like any other man. I do what I need to do to make sure the family is taken care of. We are supposed to be the "rock" of the family, but not seeing my boy along with everything else is something I've experienced one time as a young dude in high school. I cried like a baby that first time-puppy love. This is beyond words the most painful experience ever. I'm willing to go to any measure to get him back. Even see him! I don't wish this on anyone.


----------



## Tanky66 (Dec 7, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Tanky,
> 
> I will private message you tonight or in the morning with some ideas. So look for it In the meantime, hang in there


Wmn1,
I'm not going anywhere. Talk to u later


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Tanky66 said:


> It's been over a week since I saw him. I'm pretty much like any other man. I do what I need to do to make sure the family is taken care of. We are supposed to be the "rock" of the family, but not seeing my boy along with everything else is something I've experienced one time as a young dude in high school. I cried like a baby that first time-puppy love. This is beyond words the most painful experience ever. I'm willing to go to any measure to get him back. Even see him! I don't wish this on anyone.


Have you gotten the process of a custody order in motion, you are not helpless here and need to go on the offensive. 

Fight for the child, not for her. For research go ahead and bring up your states government forms regarding custody and motions thereof, they are usually in a PDF savable format so you can input data, save the file, and correct as needed. You don't even need to go down to wherever to get the papers, use the internet for what it is capable of doing. 

Make sure to also review your states Standards of living worksheet for children, you'd be surprised what is listed in the document or more accurately elated. Document her unwillingness to allow you proper and frequent visitation with the child, make a log, details only, no emotional input, and save it in a safe place.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Tanky66 said:


> Wmn1,
> I'm not going anywhere. Talk to u later


ok check in the A.M.


----------

