# The Scar of Divorce



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I had posted earlier on another thread about the "scar" of divorce. Without a doubt our experiences of going through a divorce has left us each scarred in someway. I think the way forward is in how we look at it. I think one can look at the scar in one of two ways. The first way is from the standpoint that the scar has forever disfigured us, such as a scar from a terrible burn. The second way to look at the scar is from the perspective of cancer survivor. After the cancer has been removed all that is left is the scar. The cancer was the blind trust or unconditional love that infected each of us and led us to our divorce and its horrible aftermath. But once that cancer is gone, we are free to live once again and enjoy life. We still have the scar but it is a reminder of having something removed to make our lives better, not a scar of disfigurement. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, this is just my opinion. I choose to be a survivor not a victim.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well you sure hit close to home, here. I've got both scars, but there is a difference.

I KNOW my ex is gone forever, :toast:

The cancer, well that is much more a wait and see.

I completely agree I am nobody's victim!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I had posted earlier on another thread about the "scar" of divorce. Without a doubt our experiences of going through a divorce has left us each scarred in someway. I think the way forward is in how we look at it. I think one can look at the scar in one of two ways. The first way is from the standpoint that the scar has forever disfigured us, such as a scar from a terrible burn. The second way to look at the scar is from the perspective of cancer survivor. After the cancer has been removed all that is left is the scar. The cancer was the blind trust or unconditional love that infected each of us and led us to our divorce and its horrible aftermath. But once that cancer is gone, we are free to live once again and enjoy life. We still have the scar but it is a reminder of having something removed to make our lives better, not a scar of disfigurement. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, this is just my opinion. I choose to be a survivor not a victim.


*That is a simply wonderful perspective, Ynot! Something that all of us who are painfully-hurt divorce survivors should strive to live by!*


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## barcodelabelhere (Mar 24, 2014)

There's a stupid motivational quote (said with love) that goes:

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For me, marriage was the scar that the plastic surgery of divorce repaired (yes, some faint marks still remain).

I really do like your alternate perspective though: The second way to look at the scar is from the perspective of cancer survivor. ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I like these responses because I tire of victim mentality. I subscribe to feed from a group "Surviving Narcissistic Abuse" and although sometimes it's cathartic to read the daily posts, I often see whining, hopelessness, deep depression and victim mentality.

I see being a victim as a choice and I choose to not be. I was strong enough that I got out, got help and got over it. Maybe I should have more empathy but I'm a positive person and I just can't handle excessive Debbie Downers. I'm a survivor and I honestly don't focus too much on the scars. My past is part of me and I just don't think about it that much. Maybe it's because I left 11.5 years ago so I've had more time.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> For me, marriage was the scar that the plastic surgery of divorce repaired (yes, some faint marks still remain).


Same here.

The divorce did not scar me, I am a very happily divorced woman.

The marriage scarred me though and even 5 years post divorce the fallout from my sexless, passionless marriage still impacts my life.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *That is a simply wonderful perspective, Ynot! Something that all of us who are painfully-hurt divorce survivors should strive to live by!*


I have to admit I have not always had this perspective and it took me some dark dark days , weeks and months to gain it. But I really feel this is the only real way forward. Like EnjoliWoman said, I read the posts by so many who have been victimized. I am not down playing their pain, I really hope that they can gain a similar perspective for themselves. Be a survivor, not a victim.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I had posted earlier on another thread about the "scar" of divorce. Without a doubt our experiences of going through a divorce has left us each scarred in someway. I think the way forward is in how we look at it. I think one can look at the scar in one of two ways. The first way is from the standpoint that the scar has forever disfigured us, such as a scar from a terrible burn. The second way to look at the scar is from the perspective of cancer survivor. After the cancer has been removed all that is left is the scar. The cancer was the blind trust or unconditional love that infected each of us and led us to our divorce and its horrible aftermath. But once that cancer is gone, we are free to live once again and enjoy life. We still have the scar but it is a reminder of having something removed to make our lives better, not a scar of disfigurement. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, this is just my opinion. I choose to be a survivor not a victim.


Interesting perspective. I feel that my 'scars of divorce' are more like battle wounds, to show that I have endured and survived something intended to hurt me and bring me down.

However, I can't reframe the notion that blind trust and unconditional love were infections that I'm better off without. I think my inability to trust 100% and love unconditionally anymore are a new flaw in me that I may carry for the rest of my life, like walking with a limp.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Interesting perspective. I feel that my 'scars of divorce' are more like battle wounds, to show that I have endured and survived something intended to hurt me and bring me down.
> 
> However, I can't reframe the notion that blind trust and unconditional love were infections that I'm better off without. I think my inability to trust 100% and love unconditionally anymore are a new flaw in me that I may carry for the rest of my life, like walking with a limp.


I didn't mean to imply blind trust and unconditional love are infections as much I tried to imply they are not natural to the human condition. The fact is is that these are lessons learned. As long as we allow our selves to learn from our experiences they will make each new experience that much more enjoyable and richer. Having been through the wringer of life once we can use these experiences to prevent similar outcomes going forward rather than repeating the same mistakes again and again


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

When I was working with Severely abused boys we had a ritual where we highlighted our scars and then took pictures.

I always told them scars are "proof that it happened and that you lived." 

Wear your scars proudly...because a well healed scar can be a VERY sexy thing...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Wear your scars proudly...because a well healed scar can be a VERY sexy thing...


That's right, when you come out the other side as a survivor, your potential partners will know it and respect you. Otherwise they will see you the same way you see you - as a victim. If you are looking for co-dependency there is your ticket. If you want to live, you must survive!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

If divorce is a scar, mine is more of an expense tattoo, one which I don't regret paying for. If I didn't get the tattoo, I'd still be unhappily married to a selfish, lazy azzhole. 

I'm glad I had the ballz to sit through the pain of my tattoo. It was soooo worth it.


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