# Company Party SO not iNVITED.



## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

My SO has an odd work dynamic (unprofessional & close knit) which she also considers 2nd family. My in-laws are so nice and respective I can't even ask for anything better. She has been working at her company since she graduated high school (she's in her late 30's). All her co workers know each other either they worked from the same office several years back and got re-hired etc etc. This work environment is really weird they would party together after work hours etc. before we got together and she became really good friends with the owner's daughter. She also considers her Boss 2nd Dad (she is actually closer to her Boss than her real Dad). The daughter's (late20's) boss rubs me the wrong way she doesn't acknowledge me when I do see her from time to time. She seems to be very jealous that now her co worker/friend/utility player worker) is now in a relationship and we live together in the same household. Let's just say she is the BAD friend you wouldn't want your SO to be friends with. Now to the company party she asked me if she can go (well she didn't really asked) She had clear motive I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT. 

I'm totally the opposite I don't like to mix personal life and work place (by no means I'm a jerk) I simply separate work life and personal life. She also tells we werent as close as we were after we got together. She tells me every morning I don't want to go to work (its really stressful etc) But my misunderstanding why would you want to party with these people if work (which she considers 2nd family) allegedly stresses you out and I'm NOT Invited. I also moved to her location (she grew up since grade school) leaving my family, friends and my watersports life (no beach at this state) Am I being selfish or just not understanding the situation.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

A company party is normal. This isn't the battle you want to fight.

If she's constantly going out with work people to the detriment of your relationship, that's another issue and one you should address.


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## SoccerPLR (25 d ago)

If an Employer says, "we are FAMILY" Run for the hills!!!! This will always create a WAR with your marriage, relationship and family. Your only loyalty with work should only be at work hours.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> A company party is normal. This isn't the battle you want to fight.


You would be right under normal circumstances, but apparently this company is not a normal company, but a family run company run like "a family". Drama, and all that. It's not a corporate structure.

Having said that, we all have (or are suppose to have our boundaries), If you consider your wife's attitude of I'm going and that's that. Your opinion doesn't count, but my wants, then you have an imbalance in your marriage. You either command respect to your boundaries, or prepare to be a doormat. 

Boundaries shouldn't be disrespected. If you are not willing to stand by your boundaries, then they are not boundaries. They are nagging insecurities. Boundaries are and should be a line in the sand followed with repercussions. Is it a deal breaker to you? no, then what are you complaining about? it is a deal breaker to you, then you need proceed with the consequences of her breaking those boundaries within the marriage. Respect is earned. Those that act weak, can't be respected. So, far it's looking like your wife has little respect for you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, she's worked there since right after high school, and now she's in her late 30s. That's a 20 year relationship with the job. It's gonna feel a bit like family at that point. 

She's been working at this job way longer than she's known the OP, I'll bet. Especially since he said "SO" - maybe not even married?

Good luck with that fight. This is part of who she is at this point - now, if she's neglecting the relationship or cheating, that's one thing. But that's not been established.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> You would be right under normal circumstances, but apparently this company is not a normal company, but a family run company run like "a family". Drama, and all that. It's not a corporate structure.
> 
> Having said that, we all have (or are suppose to have our boundaries), If you consider your wife's attitude of I'm going and that's that. Your opinion doesn't count, but my wants, then you have an imbalance in your marriage. You either command respect to your boundaries, or prepare to be a doormat.
> 
> Boundaries shouldn't be disrespected. If you are not willing to stand by your boundaries, then they are not boundaries. They are nagging insecurities. Boundaries are and should be a line in the sand followed with repercussions. Is it a deal breaker to you? no, then what are you complaining about? it is a deal breaker to you, then you need proceed with the consequences of her breaking those boundaries within the marriage. Respect is earned. Those that act weak, can't be respected. So, far it's looking like your wife has little respect for you.


Thanks a lot for being straight forward!!!!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Where is the company party? Is it a company-paid event/venue? If so, some companies may want to cut costs so SO's aren't invited. I wouldn't read too much into it, unless she's out until 2 AM, then that might be a discussion worth having. If it's just a bunch of people going out to a bar to get drunk after work hours, there's no reason why SO's couldn't join at the bar. 

What led up to her saying ''I'm going whether you like it or not?''


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

californiawaverider said:


> she asked me if she can go (well she didn't really asked) She had clear motive I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT.





californiawaverider said:


> But my misunderstanding why would you want to party with these people if work (which she considers 2nd family) allegedly stresses you out and I'm NOT Invited.


Are other employee's SOs going to be at the party?

Her telling you she is going whether you like it or not is totally disrespectful. As Rob1 said you need to set boundaries and enforce them or she will treat you like an even bigger doormat.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Where is the company party? Is it a company-paid event/venue? If so, some companies may want to cut costs so SO's aren't invited. I wouldn't read too much into it, unless she's out until 2 AM, then that might be a discussion worth having. If it's just a bunch of people going out to a bar to get drunk after work hours, there's no reason why SO's couldn't join at the bar.
> 
> What led up to her saying ''I'm going whether you like it or not?''


I have no idea why SO's are not invited. I myself worked for couple companies you can bring 1 Guest. She made it clear to me whether it makes me uncomfortable (putting me in a sh*tty) situation. I prioritize my workplace/2nd family/folks I spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week VS your concern/feelings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, that tells you how your future with her will go.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

if my wife wasn't invited to a company party of my employer, i wouldn't consider myself invited.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Double post.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

californiawaverider said:


> I have no idea why SO's are not invited. I myself worked for couple companies you can bring 1 Guest. She made it clear to me whether it makes me uncomfortable (putting me in a sh*tty) situation. I prioritize my workplace/2nd family/folks I spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week VS your concern/feelings.


Hmm. Well, I’d hold off on thinking about marriage if your opinions/values don’t matter to her. I wouldn’t make a big deal about her going to this party as she may feel obligated to go in a way, but the fact that she doesn’t care what you think, is kind of sad. That’s more of the issue, imo. Is she respectful in other areas of the relationship?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Do you suspect your SO has a work husband or a work wife?

I ask because long term affairs at work are easy to conceal and lend themselves to cake eating.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

How long have you been exclusively dating each other and are you living together now? For how long?

Can you expand a little more on what you mean by her asking by having a clear motive that she was going like it or not? Is this just an evening or an overnight party?

Sorry for all the questions, but I feel like more info is needed to give any good advice.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How long have you been exclusively dating each other and are you living together now? For how long?
> 
> Can you expand a little more on what you mean by her asking by having a clear motive that she was going like it or not? Is this just an evening or an overnight party?
> 
> Sorry for all the questions, but I feel like more info is needed to give any good advice.


We have been strictly friends over 18 years and landed an intimate relationship (living together) for almost 2 years now. She tells me I'm technically her real 1st relationship (not married). This is simply a Christmas Holiday Party but this work environment is really WEIRD she considers this small office her Family (approx 5-8 employees) Real State. She consider them her 2nd family and its a fact that she is closer to them than her real Mom & Dad which is freaking weird! I myself value family over anything. I myself don't feel welcome with the Boss (owner) son and daughter) when I see her at work. I've only been to her office like 3 times, supposedly this is only a dinner couples hours. She did show a lot of things I did not encounter when were friends. 

Thank you for asking all this probing questions and thanks to everyone that has replied.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your GF may not want to go to the company party but she still has to make an appearance or be deemed not a team player. Her job could be at risk -- not blatantly but nevertheless if she skips this obligation. 

You can't tell her to not go. That is going to cause more problems. 

If the company rule is no SOs that is the rule. One of my employers had 2 parties: one for staff only which was a raucous event I hated and another more elegant one for management & clients to which SOs were invited. 

I now own a small company. I'm having a holiday dinner Thursday for my staff. I didn't even invite my own husband. Dinner is at 6. It will be over by 9. This sounds like that. Food & comradery on the boss's dime with lots of inside jokes. . .not a full on party with dancing etc. 

Instead of you adding more pressure to the situation, show you are a good guy & also keep an eye on the situation by stating the fact that you don't love after hours drinking events with no significant others, but you support her. Then offer to drive her to said party & pick her up. You will be seen as the responsible one who prevents drunk driving accidents but there is a clear message that you know where the line is drawn & your presence may prevent overstepping under the influence. 

Since you only live together now, view this as the try-out it's supposed to be. If you think she always picks work or anything else over you, then assess where you stand & whether you want to stay but do not try to tell somebody else that they have to try to reinvent their workplace culture when they are not upper management.

The fact that her bosses & how she choices to frame her relationship with these people makes YOU uncomfortable is not her problem.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Do you suspect your SO has a work husband or a work wife?
> 
> I ask because long term affairs at work are easy to conceal and lend themselves to cake eating.


I don't suspect of that but it does remain in the back of my head. I trust her but sometimes I feel she is very agreeable person (at this point I feel she doesn't know how to mange her relationship with her enmesh work environment that she considers family)


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Hmm. Well, I’d hold off on thinking about marriage if your opinions/values don’t matter to her. I wouldn’t make a big deal about her going to this party as she may feel obligated to go in a way, but the fact that she doesn’t care what you think, is kind of sad. That’s more of the issue, imo. Is she respectful in other areas of the relationship?


I want to say Yes! she is respectful but in another words when is comes to communicating or talking through disagreements she is very disrespectful and not able to manage her emtions to communicate effectively. She tends to start cussing with communications and emotional jabs (which doesnt better the situation VS talking calm without any cussing etc)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Can't help note that you aren't married. Very few company parties invite boyfriends. 

The business I used to be in, there were lots of business party type things. It was rare it was "plus 1." It's just not unusual at all. After all, the company is paying for these things, and they usually also have some amount of business they want to discuss. 

You're not married. You have opposite attitudes on this, if not opposite modes socially, so maybe you should find someone you have more in common with in that regard. 

I can tell you I would never have let any boyfriend of mine tell me what to do about company functions. She's not your child to tell what to do.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Are other employee's SOs going to be at the party?
> 
> Her telling you she is going whether you like it or not is totally disrespectful. As Rob1 said you need to set boundaries and enforce them or she will treat you like an even bigger doormat.


Supposedly employees only but she tells me the Boss will bring her wife :::face palm::: I told her that's not fair then! She replies "you don't own the company!!!" No Sh*t I don't own the Company I never said I did.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, at this point you are starting to see some potential red flags, but it could also be nothing. If they are going to an expensive restaurant, or even if it's not too expensive, their rule might just be that it's an event for employees only. What happened last year, do you remember? Sounds like a weird work environment, but like others have said, she's been there for 20 years so that's just something for you to get used to at this point. 

Best bet right now is mouth shut and eyes open. If something is going on you'll turn up proof sooner or later if you are paying attention. Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

californiawaverider said:


> Supposedly employees only but she tells me the Boss will bring her wife :::face palm::: I told her that's not fair then! She replies "you don't own the company!!!" No Sh*t I don't own the Company I never said I did.


Do you work? Have you HAD a boss?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

californiawaverider said:


> My SO has an odd work dynamic (unprofessional & close knit) which she also considers 2nd family. My in-laws are so nice and respective I can't even ask for anything better. She has been working at her company since she graduated high school (she's in her late 30's). All her co workers know each other either they worked from the same office several years back and got re-hired etc etc. This work environment is really weird they would party together after work hours etc. before we got together and she became really good friends with the owner's daughter. She also considers her Boss 2nd Dad (she is actually closer to her Boss than her real Dad). The daughter's (late20's) boss rubs me the wrong way she doesn't acknowledge me when I do see her from time to time. She seems to be very jealous that now her co worker/friend/utility player worker) is now in a relationship and we live together in the same household. Let's just say she is the BAD friend you wouldn't want your SO to be friends with. Now to the company party she asked me if she can go (well she didn't really asked) She had clear motive I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT.
> 
> I'm totally the opposite I don't like to mix personal life and work place (by no means I'm a jerk) I simply separate work life and personal life. She also tells we werent as close as we were after we got together. She tells me every morning I don't want to go to work (its really stressful etc) But my misunderstanding why would you want to party with these people if work (which she considers 2nd family) allegedly stresses you out and I'm NOT Invited. I also moved to her location (she grew up since grade school) leaving my family, friends and my watersports life (no beach at this state) Am I being selfish or just not understanding the situation.


A small business having a family like culture is fairly normal in my experience, especially if most of the employees have been there a long time. But what makes your situation weird is if the culture is like a family I would expect SOs to be invited to the holiday party as well. I don't know if there is a problem with it, but just seems odd. I think your wife's attitude about the situation is a bigger problem than the situation itself. Her attitudes comes across like she considers them her 1st family not 2nd.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Your GF may not want to go to the company party but she still has to make an appearance or be deemed not a team player. Her job could be at risk -- not blatantly but nevertheless if she skips this obligation.
> 
> You can't tell her to not go. That is going to cause more problems.
> 
> ...


I get what your saying if this work environment was normal meaning she doesn't consider her workplace her 2nd family, also when I got with her they were intervening with our personal life because she is good friends with the daughter and she considers the Boss her Dad. The daughter rubs me the wrong way she doesnt acknowledge me. I have gone out of my way to please her and say Hi numerous time but I won't continue to suck up to her. She's only a co worker in my mind.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> OP, at this point you are starting to see some potential red flags, but it could also be nothing. If they are going to an expensive restaurant, or even if it's not too expensive, their rule might just be that it's an event for employees only. What happened last year, do you remember? Sounds like a weird work environment, but like others have said, she's been there for 20 years so that's just something for you to get used to at this point.
> 
> Best bet right now is mouth shut and eyes open. If something is going on you'll turn up proof sooner or later if you are paying attention. Good luck.


 Thank You!


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> A small business having a family like culture is fairly normal in my experience, especially if most of the employees have been there a long time. But what makes your situation weird is if the culture is like a family I would expect SOs to be invited to the holiday party as well. I don't know if there is a problem with it, but just seems odd. I think your wife's attitude about the situation is a bigger problem than the situation itself. Her attitudes comes across like she considers them her 1st family not 2nd.


Thank You!


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you work? Have you HAD a boss?


yes and yes


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## SoccerPLR (25 d ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Can't help note that you aren't married. Very few company parties invite boyfriends.
> 
> The business I used to be in, there were lots of business party type things. It was rare it was "plus 1." It's just not unusual at all. After all, the company is paying for these things, and they usually also have some amount of business they want to discuss.
> 
> ...


OP clearly stated SO's work environment is enmesh & unprofessional. I don't think he's treating like a child. This is about respecting your SO's concern and feelings. OP never stated not to attend her Party. Relationship is a UNIT


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SoccerPLR said:


> OP clearly stated SO's work environment is enmesh & unprofessional. I don't think he's treating like a child. This is about respecting your SO's concern and feelings. OP never stated not to attend her Party. Relationship is a UNIT


A close family owned business looks like that and they're usually nice places to work. Who sounds unprofessional is the OP. Sorry, but business parties and other things, the boss makes the rules. Not the SO or spouse. That's CRAZY. It's none of his affair.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like you don't think highly of your SO's colleagues and they don't think highly of you. 

Reading your OP and responses, I get this feeling you complain to her about how you feel her boss and daughter don't like you. Why would your girlfriend bring you to an event where she'll be forced to play middle man?


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

I’d say the majority of companies do not invite SO’s to the annual holiday party. There‘s no issue there. i don’t even see informing you that she’s going is an issue. Even if she didn’t want to go, shes expecTed to go and doesn’t really have a choice.

This being treated like family stuff seems odd. Also, not wanting to go to work, but wanting to party with them isn’t right. It’s something you should discuss at length after the holidays 

Just a guess…. She really likes her boss and her coworkers as friend, but doesnt enjoy working with them. She’s stuck in a bad situation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

californiawaverider said:


> This is simply a Christmas Holiday Party *but this work environment is really WEIRD*...


You've mentioned ^^this^^ several times. Have you considered that since your gf loves this type of work environment that she's also "weird."

And from where I'm sitting, this sounds like it's more about the fact that she doesn't put you first, but prefers her life revolve around work friends.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like your relationship is all that great.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@californiawaverider ,
I have worked at a company of five for ten years. We all know of each other’s spouses and don’t really “party” together. For our Christmas party, it was employees only, so for small companies I don’t think that’s entirely strange. The strange part is that after the party/dinner the five of us don’t go out drinking and dancing as a group. We get together, exchange gifts, eat cookies, and go home.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You've mentioned ^^this^^ several times. Have you considered that since your gf loves this type of work environment that she's also "weird."
> 
> And from where I'm sitting, this sounds like it's more about the fact that she doesn't put you first, but prefers her life revolve around work friends.
> 
> Frankly, it doesn't sound like your relationship is all that great.


She probably knows the job is going to outlast the bf.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She probably knows the job is going to outlast the bf.


As always making your snide comments because he's a man.

The issue here in NOT her going or not going to the party. The issue is her utterly disrespect by issuing ultimatums such as:



californiawaverider said:


> I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT.


You just don't talk like that to your partner. This is a bad sign for the relationship.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> As always making your snide comments because he's a man.
> 
> The issue here in NOT her going or not going to the party. The issue is her utterly disrespect by issuing ultimatums such as:
> 
> ...


Let's just straight out disrespect


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Family is family, work is work and if the lines between the twain is blurred, nothing good can ever come of it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> You just don't talk like that to your partner. This is a bad sign for the relationship.


That's not what his SO said. It's what the OP interpreted from their discussions.



californiawaverider said:


> _*She had clear motive*_ I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT.


OP has a biased view of his SO's actions because of his dislike of her boss and their daughter, and their general dislike of him. For all we know, his SO said "hey, my holiday party is Friday. There are no +1. I'll be home by 8pm". Done.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lila said:


> That's not what his SO said. It's what the OP interpreted from their discussions.
> 
> 
> 
> OP has a biased view of his SO's actions because of his dislike of her boss and their daughter, and their general dislike of him. For all we know, his SO said "hey, my holiday party is Friday. There are no +1. I'll be home by 8pm". Done.


Of course he does. I never intended to mean that he does not. It's obvious, but by the same token her response is not kosher at all. Not at all no matter which way we want to interpret.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SoccerPLR said:


> If an Employer says, "we are FAMILY" Run for the hills!!!! This will always create a WAR with your marriage, relationship and family. Your only loyalty with work should only be at work hours.


If they are FAMILY, then the OP should also be invited. I would think that someone important to someone in the family would be invited.
WHY are you not invited -- are you sure that NO SO's/spouses are invited, or just you?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Of course he does. I never intended to mean that he does not. It's obvious, but by the same token her response is not kosher at all. Not at all no matter which way we want to interpret.


But we don't really know her response (unless I missed something). All OP mentioned was his interpretation of "her motive" which he says was "I'm going regardless of your opinion". Those are feelings not fact. 

He's entitled to his feelings but they aren't necessarily justified.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

QUOTE="Lila, post: 20675890, member: 137890"]
He's entitled to his feelings but they aren't necessarily justified.
[/QUOTE]


This is all he said about it:



californiawaverider said:


> Now to the company party she asked me if she can go (well she didn't really asked) She had clear motive I'm still going after work hours either you like it or NOT.



Not to beat a dead horse, but it does not reads as him expressing feelings, but a matter of fact statement she made. Anyway, OP can clarify.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> If they are FAMILY, then the OP should also be invited. I would think that someone important to someone in the family would be invited.
> WHY are you not invited -- are you sure that NO SO's/spouses are invited, or just you?


Thanks You! I tried to ask her but it goes south quick..."What you don't TRUST why are you even with me? How dare you doubt me!"


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> If they are FAMILY, then the OP should also be invited. I would think that someone important to someone in the family would be invited.
> WHY are you not invited -- are you sure that NO SO's/spouses are invited, or just you?


This part confuses me, I feel I've been hit by a Mack truck...Thank You for making me feel SANE.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, you really do need to let this go with your wife. When she gets back ask if she had a good time then let it go. Like I said in my other post, if you think something might be going on then keep your eyes open, but there isn't anything more to be gained by discussing this with her, or delving into the weird dynamic at her job. Just let all that go. Good luck.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m not sensing much love from your wife. As a matter of fact, she seems downright hostile towards you. Why do you want to stay with such a woman? 

Do you have any kids together? If not, you should really look at bouncing. The sooner you put her in your rear view mirror the faster you’ll be able to meet a more compatible woman .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

californiawaverider said:


> Thanks You! I tried to ask her but it goes south quick..."What you don't TRUST why are you even with me? How dare you doubt me!"


So you should say this has nothing to do with trust -- why can't I WANT to go to have a good time with my SO?

Her VERY defensive response to me is another red flag. Sounds like SHE doesn't want you there -- not that you couldn't be there.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so here are my thoughts on this.

Firstly, close knit "family run" business make for a bad work environment with boundaries being broken and a false sense of security being engendered in return for following their extra curricular rules. Your "SO" knows nothing else e.g. what it is like to be in a normal (maybe even dog-eat-dog) working environment where hard work is rewarded and not familiarity with the boss' daughter. The whole idea of going away to college and then finding employment is to not have to work for local "family" businesses that bear no resemblance to the real world. For your SO this may now be too late and that should have been a warning sign to you when you first met.

So given that she is living in "cloud cuckoo land inc" she is nowhere near going to be loyal to you over her pseudo dad's company (and that is effed up in its own right - closer to the guy than her own dad!). What possessed you to leave the beach to come to this - she must be fantastic in bed or something for you to put up with this kind of abuse. And yes, she is abusive as is this company to your marriage. At the very least it is toxic.

Have you thought about just walking away from all this? It's not going to get better.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

If you are not married to her, then if I were you I would put the relationship on probation. She comes across as very disrespectful. I believe her when she says you are the first serious relationship she has ever had. That tells me she is immature when it comes to being in a loving relationship with another person, and her assertion that you are somehow being controlling tells me she has been drinking the woke feminist cool-aid for quite a while. She is paranoid about the mere though you could be trying to control her. Look, I don't think she is trying to be intentionally disrespectful; what I think is happening is that she is just ill-equipped in how to deal with tricky situations like this. She has a lot of growing up to do, and so do you. Frankly, why does it bother you if you don't get to go to the party? If those people at her job are as insular and cliquish as you are describing, how could any gathering of such people be even remotely fun for you or anyone outside that circle? 

Plan on going out with your own circle of friends that same night. Grab some buddies, hit a sports bar, chow on wings and beer and have some fun. Don't stay home and pine away for her like a labrador puppy. Show yourself that you can get along fine without her and have fun without her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Imagine being at a job you love for your whole 20 years of adulthood, in an office with 6 people you know extremely well, and your relatively new romantic partner tells you that your work environment is weird and that you shouldn't go to a holiday party because he's not invited.

And to have this relatively new romantic partner talk bad about the office.

Also, if I'm reading the tea leaves correctly, the big boss is a lesbian with a wife. Not even a romantic threat. And this is where the complaints seem to be stemming from - the boss.

Maybe OP thinks "weird" applies in multiple ways, I don't know. But if this job isn't interfering with the relationship, picking a fight about the thing she's been involved in for way longer than this romance is the wrong move, and OP has no claim to it, really.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Random thoughts as I read through the thread:

You're asking your girlfriend to choose between her "family" and you. You lose.
If no spouses are going, it would be awkward for you to go. 
A "family" would never exclude spouses and boyfriends.
If she goes, tell her you will drop her off and pick her up so she can have a drink.
Tell her to tell them she has COVID. That lie has worked for two years now. 
It sounds like you are not a priority in her life. I'd be thinking about an exit strategy.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

SoccerPLR said:


> OP clearly stated SO's work environment is enmesh & unprofessional. I don't think he's treating like a child. This is about respecting your SO's concern and feelings. OP never stated not to attend her Party. Relationship is a UNIT


Thank You!


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Family is family, work is work and if the lines between the twain is blurred, nothing good can ever come of it.


 Agreed. Thank You!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@californiawaverider instead of asking "Am I being selfish or just not understanding the situation." in your OP, you should have just asked for people to validate your opinion.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Random thoughts as I read through the thread:
> 
> You're asking your girlfriend to choose between her "family" and you. You lose.
> If no spouses are going, it would be awkward for you to go.
> ...


a. Pseudo Family
b. I never wanted to go lol, It's just disrespect I'm going to a company party but your not invited. Than being said, 
If it were a normal workplace NO (Pseudo BS 2nd family crap) and it's strictly work (not every co worker are on each other's personal life). Perhaps and I wish it would be more like this "Hey Honey we have a Holiday Party would you like to come? (I have a plus 1) I WOULD GO!...2nd Scenerio (current situation enmesh/unprofessional structured workplace when everyone are on each other's back about personal life) I do have a plus 1! I would NOT go! I'd tell her go ahead have fun! I'd rather sit at home and wrench on my car or motorcycle! The fact that Hey I'm going to Holiday Christmas Party but your not invited employees only...Its pretty Jarring situation for me and they rub me the wrong way already.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

californiawaverider said:


> I get what your saying if this work environment was normal meaning she doesn't consider her workplace her 2nd family, also when I got with her they were intervening with our personal life because she is good friends with the daughter and she considers the Boss her Dad. The daughter rubs me the wrong way she doesnt acknowledge me. I have gone out of my way to please her and say Hi numerous time but I won't continue to suck up to her. She's only a co worker in my mind.


She's only a co-worker in YOUR mind. To your GF, these are very meaningful relationships where there are at best fuzzy lines between personal & professional. Those lines blur very easily in small companies. 

I have always worked for small companies. You know everything about everybody & you get invited to things. Heck. I went to the funeral of my office cleaning lady's husband. I had heard all about her grandkids & they had heard about me too. All my coworkers came to my wedding. I went to the weddings of their kids & the baby showers. I have visited them and their families in the hospital. It is much different then working in a big company.

Now that I have my own company I just don't have the liquidity this year for a big to-do so I'm having a small dinner with no SOs.

You don't like her company culture & your GF knows that. They probably don't like you either. In the long run, you are better off keeping your distance but you are going to have to find a way to co-exist. If you & your GF ever got married, you have to know these people will be at your wedding. 

I really think your solution is here is to be her personal driver to & from the event. It may help her co-workers see you in a better light. When you come to pick her up, come inside. Shake everyone's hand. Wish them all a Merry Christmas. In short, be the bigger person, not a source of additional grief & stress for your GF.

When things are calmer, talk about your feelings & ask if you ever did anything to inadvertently tick these people off. After the holidays she may be able to be the peacemaker so you don't face this strife every year

Her flippant attitude toward you -- saying she's going no matter what you want -- is a bigger problem but it's also not one that will be solved before Christmas. Keep the peace now & address it after the holidays. Do address it but later.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> I’m not sensing much love from your wife. As a matter of fact, she seems downright hostile towards you. Why do you want to stay with such a woman?
> 
> Do you have any kids together? If not, you should really look at bouncing. The sooner you put her in your rear view mirror the faster you’ll be able to meet a more compatible woman .


Thanks for your response, I'm staying with this Woman because we were friends for over 18 years before entering an intimate relationship. 90% of the time We are good I know she's a wonderful SO. But that 10% she doesn't know how to be Cordial and Civil when it comes to effective communications through concerns/disagreements. I wouldn't be with her this long if I didn't think she was Great. Also I'm her real 1st relationship. I know she means well 90% of the time but just needs to learn how to manage her emotions and communicate civilly.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> She's only a co-worker in YOUR mind. To your GF, these are very meaningful relationships where there are at best fuzzy lines between personal & professional. Those lines blur very easily in small companies.
> 
> I have always worked for small companies. You know everything about everybody & you get invited to things. Heck. I went to the funeral of my office cleaning lady's husband. I had heard all about her grandkids & they had heard about me too. All my coworkers came to my wedding. I went to the weddings of their kids & the baby showers. I have visited them and their families in the hospital. It is much different then working in a big company.
> 
> ...


I have been more than Nice to them but they continue to give the cold shoulders. Do I keep sucking up to them I've gone out of my way to say Hi! several times. It does get old! even my GF tells me Im not as close to her anymore (Boss daughter) and she recently was married I was invited my SO was a Brides maid but paired with the husband's best friend that I don't know at all and never cared to introduce me. I had to go to the wedding knowing no one but my SO on top of that the daughter and the newly husband are not very welcoming but I sucked it up and still attended


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

OK, they are cold or even downright rude. You are not being forced to socialize with them but you really have no business telling your GF who she can socialize with or that she has to quit her job.


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## SoccerPLR (25 d ago)

D0nnivain said:


> OK, they are cold or even downright rude. You are not being forced to socialize with them but you really have no business telling your GF who she can socialize with or that she has to quit her job.



🤦‍♂️ OP never stated to quit her job neither to pick and choose who to socialize. He is simply trying to communicate and be understood with the situation.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

californiawaverider said:


> Thanks for your response, I'm staying with this Woman because we were friends for over 18 years before entering an intimate relationship. 90% of the time We are good I know she's a wonderful SO. But that 10% she doesn't know how to be Cordial and Civil when it comes to effective communications through concerns/disagreements. I wouldn't be with her this long if I didn't think she was Great. Also I'm her real 1st relationship. I know she means well 90% of the time but just needs to learn how to manage her emotions and communicate civilly.


18 years and you never married her? Why? I find it hard to believe that she’s good 90% of the time If she’s this bad when it comes to how she treats you vis-à-vis her job. Her responses to your concerns and her indifference to how they treat you don’t give me a woman in love vibe.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

californiawaverider said:


> Thanks for your response, I'm staying with this Woman because we were friends for over 18 years before entering an intimate relationship. 90% of the time We are good I know she's a wonderful SO. But that 10% she doesn't know how to be Cordial and Civil when it comes to effective communications through concerns/disagreements. I wouldn't be with her this long if I didn't think she was Great. Also I'm her real 1st relationship. I know she means well 90% of the time but just needs to learn how to manage her emotions and communicate civilly.


Dude, If the company say party with no SO, then, is no SO, regardless. If her rude, disrespectful answer to your concern was and is part of your concern about her behavior towards you, then why are you still in this relationship?, regardless of how long you were friends. If she's a wonderful, great partner, then what's the real issue here, If you are here asking for input?.

I don't think that that 10% negative is something that might be a deal breaker, if as you say, you are 90% good; unless that 10%, or 1%, or 0.5% is a deal breaker to you and your boundaries. If so, a deal breaker to your boundaries, then what? are you continuing with the relationship, regardless? then, they are no deal breakers. You are just getting pissy because the way she spoke to you. 

The thing is if she speaks to you that way 10% of the time, eventually it will be 20%, then, 50%, then more than that as time goes by. You need to make her understand that you are not willing to be disrespected this way, and find a way for both of you to come to an understanding of respect and boundaries for each one of you.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, If the company say party with no SO, then, is no SO, regardless. If her rude, disrespectful answer to your concern was and is part of your concern about her behavior towards you, then why are you still in this relationship?, regardless of how long you were friends. If she's a wonderful, great partner, then what's the real issue here, If you are here asking for input?.
> 
> I don't think that that 10% negative is something that might be a deal breaker, if as you say, you are 90% good; unless that 10%, or 1%, or 0.5% is a deal breaker to you and your boundaries. If so, a deal breaker to your boundaries, then what? are you continuing with the relationship, regardless? then, they are no deal breakers. You are just getting pissy because the way she spoke to you.
> 
> The thing is if she speaks to you that way 10% of the time, eventually it will be 20%, then, 50%, then more than that as time goes by. You need to make her understand that you are not willing to be disrespected this way, and find a way for both of you to come to an understanding of respect and boundaries for each one of you.


Thanks Brotha!


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## SoccerPLR (25 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, If the company say party with no SO, then, is no SO, regardless. If her rude, disrespectful answer to your concern was and is part of your concern about her behavior towards you, then why are you still in this relationship?, regardless of how long you were friends. If she's a wonderful, great partner, then what's the real issue here, If you are here asking for input?.
> 
> I don't think that that 10% negative is something that might be a deal breaker, if as you say, you are 90% good; unless that 10%, or 1%, or 0.5% is a deal breaker to you and your boundaries. If so, a deal breaker to your boundaries, then what? are you continuing with the relationship, regardless? then, they are no deal breakers. You are just getting pissy because the way she spoke to you.
> 
> The thing is if she speaks to you that way 10% of the time, eventually it will be 20%, then, 50%, then more than that as time goes by. You need to make her understand that you are not willing to be disrespected this way, and find a way for both of you to come to an understanding of respect and boundaries for each one of you.


I would rather Marry with Respect & Understanding. It's today's BS millennial/Zen G propaganda Oprah Winfrey ideology Single Woman/Single Mother BS crap!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@californiawaverider 
Do you suspect your SO of fooling around with someone at her office?
Did you want to keep an eye on things or did you just REALLY want to go to the party?
From the sounds of her toxic office environment, you couldn't pay me enough money to go to any of their parties.
Her nasty reply back to you shows no respect and makes it pretty obvious you are just a fixture in her life. I think I'd try to go back to being friends and if that didn't work write it off and move on (back to the beach).


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, If the company say party with no SO, then, is no SO, regardless. If her rude, disrespectful answer to your concern was and is part of your concern about her behavior towards you, then why are you still in this relationship?, regardless of how long you were friends. If she's a wonderful, great partner, then what's the real issue here, If you are here asking for input?.
> 
> I don't think that that 10% negative is something that might be a deal breaker, if as you say, you are 90% good; unless that 10%, or 1%, or 0.5% is a deal breaker to you and your boundaries. If so, a deal breaker to your boundaries, then what? are you continuing with the relationship, regardless? then, they are no deal breakers. You are just getting pissy because the way she spoke to you.
> 
> The thing is if she speaks to you that way 10% of the time, eventually it will be 20%, then, 50%, then more than that as time goes by. You need to make her understand that you are not willing to be disrespected this way, and find a way for both of you to come to an understanding of respect and boundaries for each one of you.


I get what you're saying Rob, and sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well. My wife has actually ASKED me to remind myself of it. 

On the other hand, 10% arsenic can make a 90% great meal taste bad. And the effects linger and accumulate.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Quad73 said:


> On the other hand, 10% arsenic can make a 90% great meal taste bad. And the effects linger and accumulate.


Dexter was a great guy 90% of the time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Quad73 said:


> On the other hand, 10% arsenic can make a 90% great meal taste bad. And the effects linger and accumulate.


Correct, that's why I said:



Rob_1 said:


> unless that 10%, or 1%, or 0.5% is a deal breaker to you and your boundaries.





Rob_1 said:


> The thing is if she speaks to you that way 10% of the time, eventually it will be 20%, then, 50%, then more than that as time goes by.


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