# Am I justified in my reasons for breaking up with her?



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

This may be a little long but I need some other perspectives because I feel like i'm losing my mind. When I was breaking up with my girlfriends I felt like I was going crazy because I couldn't even express how I feel anymore and it was just bad, but i'll try and make this as short as possible...

I met the girl who would become my girlfriend, about 3 years ago. At that time I was working at a store where her boyfriend (who I was okay with) at the time worked and I saw her around the store because she would come to visit him but other than that I never talked to her. But after a while she started messaging me on Myspace. And we talked a little but that way. Then her and her boyfriend broke up after a while and I got a lot of compliments as to how I seem to good to be true, a great guy, etc. etc. and she said if I ever wanted to go out to dinner or something she would like to. So we went out for dinner, then we went on a few dates to the movies etc. and we got to the point where we had kissed and making out and whatnot and holding hands... I asked her about her ex and she said they're done for good and that he's a terrible liar and blah blah blah. But then, I found out that she was still in regular communication with her ex (online messaging, texts, calls) and she even went over to his house while we were dating to take care of him b/c he got ridiculously drunk (even though he has roommates). So after I found out about all this stuff I broke things off with her even though that upset me to do it because I really liked her. After that I didn't want to talk to her anymore because she upset me and i just really didn't care anymore. So a year goes by and she breaks up with him again. 

We start talking regularly and I am reassured that they are totally totally done this time. I asked why they broke up and she said she left him because she found all these text messages of him meeting other girls, and he was lying constantly, they were fighting a lot, no trust, she said he always made her think that he could leave at any moment if he wanted to, she said she also stayed with him b/c she thought he couldn't do any better than her, and they have been together for 4 years and thought at one point that she thought he was going to ask her to marry him, but later clarified that he wasn't going to, she said he was manipulative and made her feel fat... and just a laundry list of complaints as to how incredibly bad the relationship was so I thought for sure that this time it was completely over and they would never talk again. And I made it clear to her that if this relationship was going to work I needed to know how she felt about him and what the status was with communication and she told me that she was completely done with him, he is not the kind of person she wants as a friend, and so I thought that it's going to work this time and I dived into the relationship fully under the impression that she wouldn't want to talk to a guy ever again who made her life as horrible as she told me. I was sending her flowers to work, bringing her lunch, leaving her flowers at her door at home, and we eventually fell in love and started a serious relationship. But things were rocky to some extent in the start because I was getting constantly harassed by her ex's friends telling me I need to leave her because the both of them have stuff to work out and I ignored all of it, and I got calls from her ex, and she was constantly being contacted by him by text message, calls at 2am, messages online, he was showing up at her work, at her house... it was just crazy and was really hard on me to just ignore everything and I was under the impression that my girlfriend was being the victim of a crazy idiot. Other than all the crap that was going on like that I was so happy to be with her b/c I thought it was real this time and all my friends and family even told me that they've never seen me so happy and I felt on top of the world. I would still send flowers to her work, and leave her little things, and do anything I could to make her feel like she was the queen of my world. 

So after all that nonsense died down about 3 months into it or so, there would still be a couple instances where they had communicated and I kept bringing it up to her. And I was always told it was just him contacting her and it was just him trying to manipulate situations to make her look bad, and it was always him trying to engage her first so of course I believe it... I mean, why would she lie to me about it? After all the complaints about him like how he started making her cry 6 months into the relationship and so forth. So, after voicing my concerns about him so many times I was starting to get anxious about bringing it up again because in my head a voice was saying," You're beating this to death..." So, about 4 months into our relationship we went together to my home country of Hungary for a week to visit my relatives and they all loved her and everything, and then after that week we went to Rome, Italy and Venice, Italy for a week and then came back and were gone for a total of 2 weeks. A few weeks after we came back she became very angry about her computer because it wasn't working (I had fixed it before) and i told her I would fix it for her. So I took it home to fix it and restore it like it was and after I put firefox (internet explorer) back onto there I noticed a tabbed bookmark (which is not the bookmark option at the top of the page with the drop down box, but this bookmark was on the front suggesting this site was visited regularly) to a dating website called *******.com. So I clicked on it so see what was going on and saw that she had been messaging her ex on there (after we got back from Europe together) and saying stuff like, "So what's going on? I call, text, message you and you don't respond. Are we not going to be friends anymore? I thought things could be different." And, I saw two other guys in the vicinity messaged her too to find out more info on her (of course, because it's s dating website), and she had responded to them as well. And when I saw that I was concerned and brought it up to her and she told me that he was the one who engaged her and will delete everything online, her facebook, myspace, online journal so that way there's no way he can ever contact her. So that all happened, and after that i can't really describe it but idk exactly how I felt. What i do know is that when I brought up 2 more instances of communication to her I was very nervous and anxious about it because I thought she was going to get mad and whatnot and I really didn't want to because I wanted everything to be okay. So after that whole incidence with the dating website everything just kind of rolled along in the relationship more-or-less and there were good times but I a little paranoid. I would keep checking the ex's online journal to see what was going on there to see if there was any other hint of her contacting him. And he did put a post up of all this stuff, like all this online correspondence between them, one which I already knew about which was the dating website exchange but there were others. He had hacked into her old myspace page when they broke up and found all these messages or whatnot and there was one in there saying how she can't sleep at night because she is thinking about her ex 99% of the time, and there was one that sad that maybe she's only dating me b/c i'm the "safe choice." And when I brought this up to her and told her what he posted online she got so incredibly mad and started yelling and saying how much she hates her ex, and how is she ever sees him she'll kill him... She told me she saw that post also but didn't tell me about it because she thought I wasn't reading it anymore and didn't want it upsetting me. To which I thought, " If you have nothing to hide then you could have told me, especially if you're telling me now that he changed a bunch of dates around and added and modified those posts before posting them to make her look bad." I told her that if you had told me about it when you found out what he posted you could have told me then instead of ignoring it and me finding it and getting upset all over again, but I reassured her I wasn't that upset and blah blah blah life goes on. 

I need to explain some other things as well... her and I never communicated well. Whenever something happened where she would be mad at me, I would get the silent treatment, but not only that I would be ignored. Everytime this happened I got extremely anxious and nervous and could not figure out why I was being ignored. Sme quick examples... Her computer had a virus on it and she got very very mad about it. She told me she was just going to throw the computer away and buy a new one, and I told her that was ridiculous b/c a virus can get on any computer. And I told her i'll take it and fix it for her (and two of the buttons weren't working on it either so I wanted to fix that for her). She told me not to bother touching the computer b/c if I gave it back to her she wasn't going to use it anyway and so her mom asked if she could have it and she said yes. So I took it to fix it, I told her I was going to my buddy's house about 30min. away to fix it b/c he has what i need to fix it. So I go to his house and end up staying late b/c it took longer than I thought. So I was on my way home and it was late (11:30) and just assumed my girlfriend was asleep so I didn't bother calling her. So the next day I go into work (we work at the same place) and I am being completely ignored. And then the next day again, I am standing at my post and she is walking towards me with her friend and i'm not even looked at it even though i'm looking at her. She walks out the door without even acknowledging that i'm there so I said hey as she is walking out and she says hey and keeps walking. And i'm like," What the hell is going on here?" So I follow her out to her car and ask her what's going on and she says,"nothing." And I try to get it out of her but she maintains it's nothing. So for two days I am ignored and have no idea why. So I go over to her house and ask her what's going on and after much coercing and frustration she says that I did not call her that night I went to fix her computer and I said I would. And I said I do not remember saying I would do that at all. I explained it was late by the time I was on my way home and I thought you were asleep. And she said that she was up all night worrying about me with the phone next to her waiting for my call. And I was like," If you were so worried, why didn't you just call me?" And she said she shouldn't have to because if i say i'm going to do something then I have to do it. Then I just kept repeating myself how I don't understand how she could ignore me for two days because of that, why she couldn't just call me, why she can't tell me what the problem is instead of ignoring me for two days and making me feel like crap... 

So anyway, that was one instance. Another was that I came to visit her at work and was texting with a friend who was a girl and when Kari asked me who it was I said it was a friend (not to keep the truth, or even consciously deceive her) and she got mad b/c I said I didn't say it was a girl. So because of that I was ignored for a day without knowing what was going on. 

Another instance was me being at her house and we were all in the living room watching TV and I started texting with my friend Ian and he was saying funny stuff so I laughed every once in a while but I didn't bother sharing any of it with her b/c she was watching tv. But as soon as I got home I get a email saying something like," What, do you think I don't see you moving around the living room hiding your cell phone screen so I can't see what you're typing or who you're typing with? I'm not going to put up with this... blah blah blah." And I was like," Whaaaat?" Because I could not understand where that came from and totally caught me by surprise and told her that it wasn't at all what it seemed like. 

Another was when my best friend's wife was giving birth and I told them I would help any way I could b/c they have no family down here to help them and they already have 2 other kids and my family considers them as family and vice versa. So when the time came I went up there and stayed up there the weekend to help them, and to also film the day's events. I didn't film any of the "coming out" stuff, just like us in the hospital and then after the baby was born. I got a long long email from her how it's weird what i'm doing, she said it's weird i'm at the hospital filming b/c i'm not blood relation, she said it's weird I put pictures of the baby on my Myspace, and we got into this long drawn out email arguement about how I was only doing this to help them and she was saying how they must need me more than her and all kinds of stuff and I could not get through to her AT ALL that I was only trying to help them b/c nobody else could have and that I also wanted to help out. I've never had anyone close to me give birth and I thought it was cool to be a part of that experience. Anyway, she didn't understand I was just helping a friend out and her and her friends thought it was weird that I was doing that... so whatever... I don't think it was at all. 

So 4 weeks ago we got into this altercation about abortion. I told her I would never want her to have one, and I wouldn't really want anyone else to have one either but I would never vote on something like abortion to make it illegal or unlawful because God (we are both church attending Christians) gives us free will, and if it's made illegal people are still going to do it, but in more dangerous ways. And she is extremely pro-life which is fine but she could not accept my views on it and told me to go read my bible and get back to her because abortion was a "deal breaker" for her. And I was like, "What? How can something like a slight difference of opinion that will never effect either of us be a deal breaker?" Her defense was that it was a slight against the bible.. blah blah blah. So my train of thought was this," She is telling me how to think, she can't come to understand or even consider my own point of view..." So I eventually changed my opinion about it slightly after doing more research but it still never sat right with me. Actually, we were supposed to go to the movies one night and didn't b/c she just laid on my bed staring at the wall and not talking to me and I could not understand why. She was not saying anything and I was getting really frustrated and mad b/c I didn't understand what the hell her problem was and she was leaving out the door without saying a word, in her car about to leave, and I was still desperately trying to get her to talk to me and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. So she left eventually and only after church the next day did I find out it was the whole abortion thing. 

So anyway, ever since that incidence I just had this distant feeling like I can't confide in her, seems to not be much reciprocation, there seems to be no compromise and I was thinking that after 10 months it's just not repairable the way I feel towards this relationship. And it sucks because when things were good they were great, but when things got bad it felt like the end of the world and it shouldn't feel like that. It really bothered me to do this, because I kept going back and forth between not knowing if i'm doing the right thing to maybe it is the right thing to do and i'm still a little mixed up about it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I didn't stay long enough for change to happen, but I just thought there's no way that would happen at this point. And now, 2 and a half weeks after I broke up with her I am looking back at the situation within the first 5-6 months of our relationship and am thinking that I was lied to that she didn't want to talk to him or be friends with him. And I keep justifying it by that. So idk what you all think but I would sure love to hear it. This has been a really tough almost 3 weeks for me and it's tough everytime I see her at work but I would like to hear some thoughts please. 

I did notice out of all of this is that I base my own self esteem a lot on what others think about me and that perhaps i have some codependency traits but I have made a appointment with a psychiatrist to see perhaps what else is going on, because I thought I was going crazy the 2 weeks after we broke up b/c I felt it was all my fault and the sound of her feeling that devastated over that phone kept repeating in my head and I felt horrible everytime b/c i've never ever ever heard anyone sound that torn before. And there are things after we broke up that she said to me like how she's in the hospital b/c of stress induced (some sort of heart condition) which I looked up and is a serious condition and when I got that text message from her I thought that she's only telling me this to feel guilty, and after going over to her house to pick up some stuff when she was not there they said she just went to the doctor's b/c of strep throat. So, she was never at the hospital and it's not like I didn't respond to the text message b/c I didn't care... I mean of course I care... why wouldn't I care that the girl I fell in love with and spent almost a year of my life with was in the hospital. I just felt that that text message was sent for a different reason. She said in her later that she admits to not being in the hospital, but that she wrote it to see if I still cared and I don't b/c I didn't respond and her mother told me she understands why she did that. But i'm thinking," Is that really the way you get someone's attention? I mean come on... that was not right to say you were in the hospital with a serious heart condition when you weren't."

Anyway, I could add more but i'm going to be late for work. Thank you much for reading, and any thoughts I would greatly appreciate.

Thank you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

figures myspace started all this, which is why I don't know if I should put a myspace profile up.

anyway about breaking up with someone, you can break up with someone for any reason you like, be it good or bad. 
That is your right as a human being. You really don't need a reason, you can break up with someone over creepy feelings too.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It looks like you have quite the drama queen. I'd certainly think about my options. But the choice will have to be yours.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Think about this damsels in distress turn into distressed damsels. There are sooo many women out there who don't come with all this baggage and drama. Cut her loose. Start fresh. She is going to be nothing but aggravation and trouble.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I broke up with a guy one time because I didn't like the way he held himself, limp wrists and I felt he could be biusexual, so I dumped him.

It was only after I got older I was more compassionate with others and it did me no good. I think we have instincts for a reason and should use them.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thank you for the responses. I would appreciate some more because i'm feeling really torn here... thank you.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok...the hard choice. Dump her, and do NOT LOOK BACK!!! Get on with your life. Don't want to do that? Why did you ask? You are better off without her. I know. Find the love of your life elsewhere...she isn't it.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I broke up with her 2 and a half weeks ago, but I still can't let it go. I keep going back and forth between wanting to talk to her and wanting to at the same time...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

she seems very immature.

I am pro-choice my wife is pro-life, while I could never personally ask her to have an abortion, I do not feel I have the right to tell other women to do so.

I believe the personal choice is not a easy one and the mental anquish that someone that has to make this choice is very tough and difficult. It is not like you wake up and say, "I think I will have an abortion today" This is a very serious and deep issue and if someone is at their "end of the line" I rather see them do it with a Doctor then a "black market" way.

I always believed in the term, " question everything" and "everything is debatable"

So when someone replies, "Becuase the bible says so" I have a knee jerk reaction to challenge them intellectually right away.

While Religion and the bible are good sources for moral guidence, you need to be flexible and versitle through life, not everything is black and white and it is easy to say something if you never faced it. Education allows you to challenge thought and ideas that you do not agree with or want more information on in order to make a decision.

My wife and I disagree on this issue, yet we been together 20 years, we are edcated enough to understand that we do not ahve to agree on everything in order to love each other, We do not vote the same, we don't even discuss political issues. It has zero impact on our lives and our choices.

Did she blieve in Birth Control? 

I would gladly approve banning abortion, if every Unwanted child in this country was adopted and given a permanent home. I find it very irresopnsible for people to say Abortion is bad, yet giving up children with no regard to their future is equally as bad.

How many children out there that are in foster homes get beaten or sexually abused and passed around the system, sit there and ask, what did I do to deserve this? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why was I so bad that my mommy gave me away?

Unfortunately adults are not responsible, Every kid should be loved and cherrished, if we can't do that, then I can't see forcing people to "have babies" that do not want them....which is truly worse?

having a life of abuse and emptiness?

sorry for my rant :soapbox:


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