# confused



## crushed13 (Mar 16, 2018)

Been with my husband almost 30 years. He's 63 I'm 60 we have 7 grown children 14 grandchildren 3 great grandchildren. Found out for 3 months this sales rep. in her 30s at the husbands work he was buying lingerie for her for 3 months found out thru credit cards then the day after Christmas he booked a motel room for sometime in January which she called it off and he was angry he said nothing ever happened. I told him the intention was still there and I'm crushed and I don't trust him anymore. We have argued since the fist of Feb things are going good we don't argue as much but I still cry and upset every day ,praying every day. He says I'm making a mountain over a molehill and he just wants things back the way they were . Am I being ridiculous.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

NO....he is rug sweeping the issue and your pain for his convenience. Which is more of the selfish behavior that initially led to breaking your vows. 

We tend to believe here (at TAM) that when you first find out about infidelity in your relationship it is generally ONLY THE TIP of the iceberg of the things you still don't know when it comes to the WS (wayward spouses) activities. 

You are crushed for good reason. My husband did the same as yours... He also had intention and was trying to set up a meeting but he realized he was being catfished or something and backed out last min. But had she been real he would have.... It was awful. 

I am three years post D-day. I put my husband through a polygraph and (kicked/volunteered) moved him into a back yard shed for a few chilly months. But all those things happened in year 2.... Yeah, trying to reconcile is bumpy, and soul draining. I don't personally recommend it. Better to divorce in many cases.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

crushed13 said:


> Been with my husband almost 30 years. He's 63 I'm 60 we have 7 grown children 14 grandchildren 3 great grandchildren. Found out for 3 months this sales rep. in her 30s at the husbands work he was buying lingerie for her for 3 months found out thru credit cards then the day after Christmas he booked a motel room for sometime in January which she called it off and he was angry he said nothing ever happened. I told him the intention was still there and I'm crushed and I don't trust him anymore. We have argued since the fist of Feb things are going good we don't argue as much but I still cry and upset every day ,praying every day. He says I'm making a mountain over a molehill and he just wants things back the way they were . Am I being ridiculous.


No, you are not being ridiculous. Your H is rug sweeping his SERIOUSLY poor choice. Your trust is now betrayed. Your H has no idea what he has done. Effectively your H dropped a bomb on your marriage and family. He needs to own up to that. Expose to the family.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You’re trying to address issues — he’s trying to rugsweep them.

IOW, no, you’re not overreacting.

Here’s what’s going to mess with your head:

This wasn’t his first time doing this.

It’s just the first time he got caught.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are Underreacting. 

Your husband is an adulterer. 

He was giving it his all and was hoping to score with her and was making nuts and bolts steps to make it actually happen. 

- she just decided she didn't want to hook up with a 60 year old man. 

He was sad and angry that he wasn't able to have sex with her. 

The fact that she didn't want to get down with a 60 year old man does not make him virtuous or faithful. The fact that she didn't go through with it does not make him trustworthy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And I agree the above posters that said that you have only happened to stumble across the tip of the iceberg. 

There is 95% more that you do not know about.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So your 60 year old husband was making a fool of himself over some woman half his age and was blowing money on her, buying her all kinds of lingerie until he wanted 'payment' from her in the form of a romp in the hay at the No-Tell Motel.

Did you actually find *SOLID PROOF* of her supposed refusal to meet him at the hotel, or is that just HIS story? Because you can't believe a single word out of HIS lying mouth. And of course, it goes without saying that had she agreed to meet him at the hotel, he would have been all over that opportunity like a rat on a Cheeto. Would he honestly have you believe that it didn't happen because he suddenly found his integrity? 

I see old, foolish men like this on Judge Judy all the time, throwing money at women half their age thinking they actually have a chance with them. And when they FINALLY realize the youngin' *ain't* interested in their old wrinkled asses, all that money they threw at these young women suddenly becomes a 'loan' and they're suing her in court to get it back. Hysterical.

I'd be figuring out what the fool spent on his paramour and then letting him know he owes you HALF that amount. If he has to get a part time job at KFC, then so be it. But you want it back - pronto.

Lastly, I'm with the others. This wasn't his first rodeo - not by a long shot. It's just the first one you CAUGHT him at.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So your 60 year old husband was making a fool of himself over some woman half his age and was blowing money on her, buying her all kinds of lingerie until he wanted 'payment' from her in the form of a romp in the hay at the No-Tell Motel.
> 
> Did you actually find *SOLID PROOF* of her supposed refusal to meet him at the hotel, or is that just HIS story? Because you can't believe a single word out of HIS lying mouth. And of course, it goes without saying that had she agreed to meet him at the hotel, he would have been all over that opportunity like a rat on a Cheeto. Would he honestly have you believe that it didn't happen because he suddenly found his integrity?
> 
> ...


A sad story, but this is a beautiful piece of writing. Very well done....:smthumbup:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H has no idea what he has done.


Oh....I think he knows EXACTLY what he's done. He just doesn't give a rat's ass about the OP's 'histrionics' and wants her to shut the hell up about it, already.

He ALSO knows he's lucky because this is the first time she's actually caught him.

Cheaters are never usually caught the first time they cheat.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You are not overreacting. But you are acting ridiculously because the very LEAST you should have done is threw his arse out of your house. Instead, all you're doing is crying and arguing. This is incredibly painful, so I understand how you feel and what you're going through, but it's been long enough to grab hold of yourself and your emotions to deal with this sensibly. To make matters worse is him arguing with you and minimizing your feelings, rather than owning up to what he's done and apologizing to you. He should be humble, but instead he's acting like YOU are the one doing something wrong. So I'm sure that adds to holding you back from being able to pull yourself together. However, his righteous indignation should also serve to bring you back down to earth and see this for what it is. He owes you a huge debt of humility. He should be on his knees confessing and begging your forgiveness. He's not giving you the closure you need so instead of crying and arguin with him, you should get MAD and get rid of him until he can treat you with the respect you deserve.

And I agree with others that this isn't the first time he has done this. It's just the first time he got caught.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Only you know the true dynamics in your relationship...I day this a lot because obviously there's always more than posted in the whole marriage...
That said, he was very, very wrong in what he's done.....which includes putting your marriage at risk.
Your feelings and concerns matter.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You have not thrown him out yet?
This is not the first time he has done this.
I BET. You need to make him earn your trust back.
If you let him rug sweep this (NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG)
then it will happen again. You have done nothing wrong and are perfectly
right to be angry. Question- Have you spoken to the stupid little young thing?
You should and get the money he spent on her back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> You are Underreacting.
> 
> Your husband is an adulterer.
> 
> ...


Perhaps she developed something your husband has not got? Some moral fibre?

Having an older man buy you stuff is flattering and neat! But actually going to a motel to help him cheat on his wife? That might have been a step too far for her.

He is being ridiculous and you need to seek to protect your legal position by consulting a divorce lawyer.


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## Once Upon A Time (Mar 20, 2018)

Crushed what is so hard is you want to believe him. I have been married to my husband 35yrs. I can relate to how devastating this is for you. He is doing something called "gaslighting" which is making you think your being overly sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn't want to take accountability for his actions, he wants to sweep them under the rug and act like they didn't happen. He just wants things to go back to the way they were. If you choose to to just swallow the hurt and just let things go back to the way things were, he will most likely do this again. It will just be easier the next time for him to do it again. You see unfortunately he won't see the hurt or appreciate the sacrifice your making by letting your hurt go and forgiving him this time. There has to be ramifications for people's actions, even husbands who we have been married to for over 30 yrs. ;-)


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

crushed13 said:


> Been with my husband almost 30 years. He's 63 I'm 60 we have 7 grown children 14 grandchildren 3 great grandchildren. Found out for 3 months this sales rep. in her 30s at the husbands work he was buying lingerie for her for 3 months found out thru credit cards then the day after Christmas he booked a motel room for sometime in January which she called it off and he was angry he said nothing ever happened. I told him the intention was still there and I'm crushed and I don't trust him anymore. We have argued since the fist of Feb things are going good we don't argue as much but I still cry and upset every day ,praying every day. He says I'm making a mountain over a molehill and he just wants things back the way they were . Am I being ridiculous.


If my situation is like yours, I first found out about prostitute use -- it was said 2 yrs., and that grew to 5 yrs., and then I found out about strip clubs and lap dances and porn use since early in our 20 year relationship. As others have said -- you get the tip of the iceberg first. Hang on the ride is damn rough and your heart is going to be bruised and broken by the time you get to the bottom of this. Its probably been throughout your marriage.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> And I agree the above posters that said that you have only happened to stumble across the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> There is 95% more that you do not know about.


Unfortunately I have to agree here. I found out about just a fraction at the outset. It is one helluva rough ride down from respect and love to disbelief and horror.


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