# Help, I'm stuck in a hamster wheel!



## separatedinseattle (Mar 27, 2014)

Been lurking for a bit and ready to share my story. Hoping to find someone that's "been there done that" or has some words of wisdom. I seriously feel like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel and getting very discouraged and frustrated.

Here's the quick story. We were married young, I was 21 and he was 23. We married on my graduation day from college, I walked down the aisle instead of walking for my diploma. We immediately headed to Germany for 4 years as my husband was in the Army (having just graduated from West Point). Our Army days were challenging as I had never been exposed to military life before and there were several deployments to Bosnia and Macedonia. We lived near a small training post on the Czech boarder and it was a lonely 4 years for me but we survived.

After his military time was served we moved back to my hometown of Seattle and both started our careers in earnest. This was the happiest era of our marriage. Within a year I was expecting our first child. Our daughter was born extremely early, at only 26 week (2lbs). It was a very traumatic experience to say the least. But she endured and so did we! Looking back, my daughter's birth did cause a severe bought of depression with my husband and forever altered his personality. Things would never be the same between us.

For the next 10 years my husband became a severe workaholic, going to work at 5am and not returning home until after midnight most evenings. He missed vacations, holidays and special events. A couple stories to sum up this time are: 1) I had my son 4 years after my daughter was born. He was born via C-section. My husband drove us home from the hospital but kept the car running when he dropped us off as he had to get back to work. I remember sitting in my house crying and feeling so alone with my newborn (who I wasn't supposed to lift due to the C-section) and my 4 year old. Luckily my parents came to my rescue to help. 2) My husband fell asleep on Christmas Eve and didn't show up for dinner as he was so exhausted from working. I could go on and on with stories from these 10 years but the bottom line is that we became completely emotionally disconnected and I learned to function very independently and make myself happy. At some point roughly 16 years ago we completely stopped all kissing (Julia Roberts is correct, it's the most intimate act) but continued to have sex (usually after midnight when he returned home from work). 

Roughly 4 years ago he decided to change his ways and get his priorities in order. Every year I do a "Year In Review" photo album with photos from the past year and he discovered that he had not appeared in one picture the entire year as he had been absent from our family, being the workaholic he was. Of course he never shared this enlightenment with me. The next four years we were in a cycle of him wanting constant physical affection and attention from me and me not wanting to give it as we had zero intimacy at this point. I continued to have sex once a week to keep him on an even keel, but it was a complete duty and not enjoyable. I would tell him I didn't feel a connection and he would say that we needed to have sex to find the connection (I cant' believe I went along with this!). He started to wake me up constantly through the night wanting affection and sleep became a luxury for me. Year after year, life became more unbearable. My husband wanted and needed something that I was unable to give as the connection and intimacy was completely gone. We hadn't kissed in 16 years, shared almost no common interests or activities we enjoyed and my husband was sleepwalking through life needing something that I wasn't giving him. 

These last four years were slowly sucking the life out of me. It became more and more difficult to keep having sex once a week and eventually I started to cry during sex but my husband would continue to have sex even if I was crying. Over the past year I started to withdraw from activities and friendships. On January 4th of this year it all ended, my body said "I'm done!" and I literally was physically unable to have sex with my husband. 

On a side note I will add that up until this point I had done 90% of all the parenting, even though my career was equal to my husband's and we made within $20 of each other last year. I got the kids off to school and tucked them into bed at night and did most of the parenting in between.

It had always been my intention to stay married even if it wasn't ideal. For many years I was able to find my own happiness even if I was lonely in my marriage. The past few years I decided I would at least stay married until the kids were out of the house. And then it became, once my oldest was out of the house. But on January 4th my body said "no more!". We were immediately thrust into a marriage crisis (god forbid I couldn't have sex!). We both started seeing individual counselors immediately as well as MC - we have 3 counseling appointments a week between us.

Since January 4th my husband has done a complete 180. He has lost 50lbs, received a promotion at work, become an engaged father for the first time ever and established relationships with his extended family as well. But in the process he has become someone that I do not recognize. On March 1st he moved into his own apartment. He has completely admitted his wrongdoing and takes full responsibility and has pleaded for my forgiveness. But I feel absolutely nothing but sadness towards him. I can't bare the idea of holding hands with him, let alone sleeping in the same bed or kissing. 

We keep going to counseling but there has been zero progress. This is where I feel like I'm stuck in the hamster wheel! Week after week of counseling and limbo with no hint of a flame being reignited. I've tried to be open to it and do whatever activities are suggested but nothing is working. I'm feeling hopeless and sad. Regardless of the fact that I showed up day after day throughout the 22 years of our marriage, I will be the one responsible for the demise. 

Is there any hope that I will ever feel anything again resembling attraction or connection with my husband? We have decided to reassess things on May 31st and decide what direction we go. 

Would love to hear from anyone with advice or that has been in a similar situation. Feeling very alone in my journey at the moment. Thank you for reading this long post.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I was only married for 1.5 years so the sex hadn't become an issue yet. You say you don't want a divorce. I think you should keep trying and keep going to counseling. It takes two to make a marriage work and he is trying. 

I just read that gazing directly into someone's eyes for at least 30 seconds creates an intimate bond. Try staring into each others eyes for an hour? Kiss each other. 

I don't know. I'm lost on advice to give but I wouldn't give up yet if I were you. Do you think if you divorced your husband than your body would react to being intimate with someone else or is it just him you are turned off by?


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## separatedinseattle (Mar 27, 2014)

Thank you for your response ICLH. I will keep trying, it just seems like I should feel the smallest sign that we are headed in the right direction after 3 months and I feel nothing. I'm trying to determine if 17 years of no intimacy and a severed emotional connection is possible to reverse. I want to believe it is, but I have absolutely no real evidence of this possibility. Trying to be patient and remember that it took us 22 years to arrive at this point so maybe I shouldn't expect much progress in 3 months but the limbo is so uncomfortable. 

Happily, our kids (DD16 and DS12) seem to be fairing okay. My son recently remarked that things don't seem much different even though we are separated (my husband moves back into the house every other Thurs - Sun and I leave). It made me sad to realize what my son has experienced and identifies as a "normal" marriage.


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