# Seperated; feeling our connection fade



## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Hey folks,

I've been separated now for 9 months. Not my idea, nor did I want it. I'm wondering how/when you realized that you were done trying to wait for the other one to make a decision. We're in a limbo state right now and agreed to not date or be with other people while she decides if she can be happy.

Trust me, i'm sticking it out, but there are days I just want to say to hell with it. If you cant tell me you want me today, whats the difference in a month. I just recently was able to move into my own apartment after staying with family, and since then I've felt my connection to her wane. My libido is pretty non existent suddenly (which is really shocking), and I don't really feel like I have much if any sexual desire towards her. Its like my mind has decided I cant be invested in this anymore. 

Just wondering if others have felt this, and if its normal.

Thanks in advance for the input.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

She is not the only one who gets to decide if the marriage is over. If your feelings are basically gone, or you feel happier on your own, you can file for divorce. Spearation can work both ways. Sometimes the one who did not ask for it is one who eventually files. My husband asked me to move out last year. I did, found a small apartment within days and abiut eight months later, filed for divorce, which is where we are now. I did not want to reconcile and saw no point in remaining legally tied, especially as we live in a community property state and I fear he may be running up debts. So I hope to be divorced by the end of the year.

Anyway...do what feels right for you. You are not obligated to wait around while she sees if she likes being single.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

How and when I think is for you to decide, but if you are not feeling the connection or desire why hold out, that time spent holding out will always be lost and you may well regret doing so. Jane139 is right, this is not only about her deciding upon your fate, but you have a say in it as well, this is your life as much as it is hers. Whether you wanted it or instigated matters not, that doesn't give the right of say over the matter, and you need to consider for yourself how long you are willing to be in limbo, as that's what you are, just waiting for her word on the matter, and are you prepared to go back with someone you freely admit to having little to no sexual desire for, where is that going to go?

Ask yourself this, if a mate said give me some time to think about that night out and left you waiting for months, would you carry that on or say to hell with this, I want a night out so am going, with or without you. If this answer is to hell with this, you know where you are at.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I was just look through your other threads, especially this one.

Did you ever move back to MN?

Also took note of this from our esteemed @weightlifter...



weightlifter said:


> Uh. If she gave off any more red flags you would be in a communist party rally.
> 
> Wake up.
> 
> Please.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

knowfiguy said:


> If you cant tell me you want me today, whats the difference in a month. I just recently was able to move into my own apartment after staying with family


You're right, at this point it's more a matter of things just fading out entirely, there's nothing else to be gained by prolonged separation.

I read some of your back threads, you were advised not to move out- for lots of good reasons- and you were adamant that you would not. 

Now you are in your own apartment, what happened with that?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

OT, why are people so determined not to move out, if the relationship is miserable? I could not move fast enough once hubby said the word...I did not want to say it, as he had been going through a bad depression and medical issues. Is there some fear of not getting your share? Most states don't allow a spouse to just keep the house because they happen to be in it, anymore. Certainly not where I live. Living away from the marriage is such a joy, no way would I have stayed there out of spite or to stake my claim.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's just my opinion, but I never agree with separation as a means of working on a marriage. Rather, it's a one way destination to detachment, as you now have come full circle in realizing.

Its like saying you're going to fix a leaky pipe by selling your house. The leaky pipe is still there, plus it's now someone else's problem. 

If you weren't the one that wanted the separation, I think you should be more open to the possibility that she knew exactly what she wanted, and that it was a life without you in it.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

To touch on a few comments.

I did move back to MN. She asked me to move out, I told her I want going anywhere without my kids. She says I knew you'd say that, take them then. Which she now frames as her sacrificing for the kids sake. Not my concern as we all know that's dumb.

Moved back in may, got my apartment in August. She recently moved back as well to MN. 

I can attest that all this separation has done nothing but create emotional and obviously physical disconnect. We still talk daily generally about the kids. And always seemed hooked on the idea we'll be best friends the rest of our life's no matter what happens. (I don't understand the importance of this to her). She says her grandma and grandpa divorced and were best friends still but who cares. 

I'm just unsure what I myself want or should do. I've never really experienced depression and I think now I am. Alot of things I really enjoy or even obsess over carry little weight now. It's football season and fantasy football at that. I could care less, and that's not normal. I'd rather hole up in my apt and do nothing at times.

At the end of the day I'm just extremely uncertain about what I want and even need.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separations seldom help to heal a marriage. How can you fix a relationship when you are not working on the relationship?

Generally the only kind of separation that works is a structured separation, with clear goals and plans, and with a counselor involved. These are often used when things like alcoholism is involved. It gives the person with the problem time to work on themselves. The alcoholic has to fix themself before the relationship can be fixed. I used alcoholism here as an example, just substitute whatever problem in the example.

Separation is usually used by a spouse who wants out but is too chicken to just say that they want a divorce. So the ask for a separation to find themself. it's a half step to divorce.

So to your question, when you do you know that it's time to file for divorce? When you have fallen out of love for her an no longer care. It sounds like you might be there.

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you have given her enough time and have to call her out on this whole separation lark. Get yourself a good lawyer and see what needs to be done, file the papers, that will shock her into action either way and you can move on with your life. BTW what precipitated this separation? Was there anyone else, did you do something?


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Separations seldom help to heal a marriage. How can you fix a relationship when you are not working on the relationship?


Our separation ended up not being structured, even while I asked for it to be. The priority was always something else to my wife.



EleGirl said:


> So to your question, when you do you know that it's time to file for divorce? When you have fallen out of love for her an no longer care. It sounds like you might be there.


I feel like I may be getting there, I'm just not sure of much anymore.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

aine said:


> I think you have given her enough time and have to call her out on this whole separation lark. Get yourself a good lawyer and see what needs to be done, file the papers, that will shock her into action either way and you can move on with your life. BTW what precipitated this separation? Was there anyone else, did you do something?


We went through a lot during our marriage, she thought I cheated on her more then once.(which I never did in the slightest.) Money was a massive issue in our marriage. Her irresponsibility directly lead to us losing our home, and that put us on a path of always in debt, renting sky high places. moving yearly, just a lot of stress. We stopped being a team and started being individuals again.

I should note she still hasn't changed in her financial ways either. Even with all the promises too get better. we had to go through bankruptcy last year. I'm on top of all my bills, she is not. I've had to help her out more then I'd want. Then last night she told me she is going to Germany for Okterberfest next year. This is a 3k trip, so she is prioritizing saving for this trip over a myriad of past due bills she has, or even saving for emergencies. Or hell even paying me back the thousands I've borrowed her to keep afloat, or her brand new car from being repo'd.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

knowfiguy said:


> We went through a lot during our marriage, she thought I cheated on her more then once.(which I never did in the slightest.) Money was a massive issue in our marriage. Her irresponsibility directly lead to us losing our home, and that put us on a path of always in debt, renting sky high places. moving yearly, just a lot of stress. We stopped being a team and started being individuals again.
> 
> I should note she still hasn't changed in her financial ways either. Even with all the promises too get better. we had to go through bankruptcy last year. I'm on top of all my bills, she is not. I've had to help her out more then I'd want. Then last night she told me she is going to Germany for Okterberfest next year. This is a 3k trip, so she is prioritizing saving for this trip over a myriad of past due bills she has, or even saving for emergencies. Or hell even paying me back the thousands I've borrowed her to keep afloat, or her brand new car from being repo'd.


Well reading more of your scenario and where you are at, I think Aine is right, get moving on this, file and sort. I can not see given this scenario added to what was said previous that you would or could consider anything else, do you really want to go back to having to sort and cover for her? Especially when she has promised to get better with finances and it hasn't happened.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

To me marriage was about more then quitting when its easy to quit. So I've struggled with that. I struggle with not having my family anymore. I love my two kids to death, and I cant imagine living life missing 50% of my kids life. I grew up with divorced parents. I was probably 2-3 when they divorced and I hate to put my kids in that lifestyle. 

Obviously it takes two people to make a marriage so I have to accept that the future I imagined and the day to day life I use to have is gone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If she ran the finances into the ground where were you?

You own part of the responsibility here.

You need to man up and do what's best for you and your kids.

Sounds like you have a bad case of the doormat syndrome.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> If she ran the finances into the ground where were you?
> 
> You own part of the responsibility here.
> 
> ...


Yes I should have been more forceful. we always had a joint account that we both used. This killed us as she would OD us, or spend money ear marked for bills. It got to where I did individual accounts, then I'd be stuck because I still couldn't cover for all of our bills and we'd still be behind. To this day, I'm still covering bills that she agreed to pay after she asked me to move back to MN. Today I just had to send out a rent payment for IA, so my name wouldn't have an eviction next to it. this is the last rent payment due thank god for IA.

And I have a childcare bill due that she never paid, but I cant afford to have collections on my record after I worked so hard post bankruptcy. I may have/am being a doormate, but I cant stop it and it all its done is get my pissed and in trouble.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She actually has a pretty good life. She doesn't have to live with you or work on the marriage. And you continue to be responsible for her financial messes. She could keep this up for the rest of your life. 

Or you could wake up and get your life back on track without her. Because for sure you can't change her and she doesn't care enough about you or the marriage to change. So -- wake up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you want to live like this long term.

People don't change much.

File and move on. You need to man up sometime. Next time don't be a doormat if you want a different life.


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