# Wake up call?



## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

So, I initially posted my first thread ( http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49233-where-she.html#post841719) in the section dealing with infidelity. I now feel as if that is the wrong place to continue my situation. 

There has been so much that has evolved over the last several weeks, and I have been too f’ing depressed and hard on myself to take the time to repost. I don’t know why today is any different, but it is. I woke up this morning, and every day this week, fighting to get out of bed, struggling to convince people that I’m working ( I am, but maybe at about 30%). I spend my days and nights doing nothing but thinking about the fact that I may have lost the most important person EVER in my life.

So, a little history…. Nearly 20 years ago, I married the woman of my dreams. This woman brought a UHaul worth of baggage. She knew she had baggage, but was never really ready to face it. Over the years, I learned to cope and deal with her depression bouts, and always played the part of the strong supportive husband. I have always made sure that I provided everything she needed, along with everything our kids needed. I busted my ass day after day after day, and for what? A wife that has no appreciation, two ungrateful children, that’s what. So at this point you may be asking, why did you stay that long? Well she has, buried deep in there somewhere, one of the kindest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. When things are going well, there is not a person on this earth that I have more fun with. I have been with many women (prior to marriage), yet have never had anyone please me the way she did from day one. Behind all of her bullsh!t drama, is one of the sweetest and loving people I know. If I could just Crack thru, and help her “fix” her issues, then we would have the best marriage ever, I swear. This whole time, I have been the diligent husband, and doing all I can to help with all of the negative things in her life, Except me….. 

I swear to you this is not a commercial, but I am drinking the Kool-Aid. 

Since my separation, just over 1 month ago, I have done a ton of soul searching. We started off in couples counseling, and are now in individual with no couples sessions. I have not read a full book in years, but someone in this forum recommended that I read a book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. I read this book and cried. I am the text book definition of a nice guy. If you haven’t read the book, that is not a good thing. It is a short read (good for me), but was crazy the effect it had on me. 90% of the list in Chap 1 was things my wife had been saying for years. I will explain more in a bit. Our Marriage counselor recommended another book “Getting the Love you want – A guide for couples”. The first book set the hook, the second reeled me in. My wife was not the only one with baggage. I apparently had plenty of my own. I knew I had many things as a kid that would affect most people, but I had been able to get past my stuff (yeah right).

Yahoo… all this is good news right? Except that it is a day late and a dollar short. She isn’t even sure she can work this out, much less wants to. My efforts to “make her better” did nothing more than push her away. In the last few months, the emotional separation has become greater and greater. I started seeing things in her actions that would not have brought up suspicion at all. She did, in fact, lie to me about where she was one night. She did admit that she was not being honest as to where she was and why. Among everything else, this event just really pushed me to believe things that were not there. I still don’t know where she was, but I am convinced that she was not doing anything inappropriate. I may choose to elaborate at another time, but not now.

In our great efforts to reach out to each other, we found greater disappointment in each other. She now feels smothered, overwhelmed, emotionally abandoned, and frustrated. I am feeling alone, desperate, needy, and depressed. We worked hard, unknowingly, at pushing the other away. Neither of us getting from our relationship what we wanted.

The hardest part for me is that I focused so much on her and her issues, I never considered that there were things that I was doing that have been just as destructive to our relationship. If I would have looked inwardly long ago, I may be sleeping in bed with my wife tonight, instead of alone.

I will add more later, but really having a difficult time coping. It is such a strange thing to admit fault. You feel liberated, yes, i think i just found (at least part of) the problem. At the same time, so devastated to know that you had more to do with your current situation than you are comfortable facing.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Oh, I feel your pain  My situation is a little different but I too have just seen how I was effecting my M. I'm hoping we can turn it around in time. Sorry you're going through this as well..


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

today..... really bad day..... things have been rough and difficult to deal with for a few weeks, but it just seems like it is creeping in more and more. i feel as if i want nothing more than to shut down. im too responsible to actually do that (4 now) but God it is so hard to just get thru the day. I did my fair share to damage our relationship, but i just dont understand how it can be so easy for her to not show that she at least misses me some. 

Therapist recommended meds for depression, finally got in to the Dr today and was prescribed Paxil. God i hope it helps. my days go by, all the same, go to work, get nothing accomplished other than realizing how much im hating life right now, wonder what she is doing (in general, not referring to anything wrong), wonder if she thinks about me and us at all, go back to where im staying, lay awake all night wondering the same two things. 

sounds a bit obsessive, right? maybe it is, but how do you turn it off? how do ou stop loving and caring, and wanting to be with someone? When you hear "I am not sure what's going to happen" or "I dont know what I want right now, i am trying to focus on getting myself stronger" what are the chances that these statements are true? She has promised that if she gets to the point that it isnt going to work, or if she finds interest in someone else, that she would be upfront and let me know, so we could move on. how much weight do you put in to that? I really WANT to hold on to ANY chance there is. Maybe she really doesnt know right now, and my overemotional state of mind is just making matters worse. maybe she already knows and is afraid for some reason to say something. I dont freakin know. the unknown is killing me, not really knowing how she feels about me is killing me. wanting to be back home, and not being able to... is killing me.

I was doing well a couple of weeks ago. she was going to work on her stuff, i was going to work on my stuff, and then we were going to work on our relationship. we are seeing a counselor, the same one. started off as couples, and quickly shifted to individual. as far as i know she is still going.

I know that every situation is different, and there is no stock answer, but i just keep asking myself do i hold on until she says its over? do i give up and assume that it already is? Do i continue to let her know how i feel about her, and that i am here when she is ready? do i shut the hell up and make her wonder? My head wont stop spinning.............


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Have you also read the 180 rules? found somewhere on this forum alot of people refer to?

I feel as if you are still focusing on her, her needs, her wants, her feelings and not thinking about 1 single bit about you.

I dont want to discourage you or add any petrol to the fire....my fiancee who I was with for 5 years until Dec 2011, spun me the same lines as you mentioned above..."I need to be stronger, I need to find myself etc" and then I discovered she was seeing someone else....For months I wondered how is she getting on, how is she coping, is she OK and when I discovered that even before i moved out she had started seeing someone else, I felt like a fool...It all came flooding back...

I am not saying this is what is happening in your situation....

What I am saying is that dont be like me and continue to think all about her, all you can do is focus on you, sure the feelings, pain, anxiety, hurt is there but if there is anything I learnt (and im still learning) is that now, turn that fear, anxiety and pain inward to focus on you.

I did precisely the same, bent over backwards emotionally, physically and mentally and I havent heard from her since, despite knowing she split up with the other guy a few months later.

You (like me) have your own issues to work through and once you get to the bottom of your feelings, what is really holding you back etc only then will you see your situation in a different light...

Going back to how things were means taking the same energy, the same insecurities, fears and frustation back you have into where you have just left. So how much of a chance do you really think you will have, especially longer term?

Its not easy, I am still very much where you are but daily I dig deep and find , see things in me and how our situation was that make me grateful for not being with her....Despite it being very hard to stomach...

Concentrate on you, turn those thoughts inwards and work on getting yourself in a stronger position...


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

You are correct in your assessment. I know I need much work on myself to become stronger.
The pain is two fold. 1, knowing that we aren’t together now, and 2, realizing that I could have made things much different long ago had I been more focused on me, instead of her anger/depression/whatever. In the span of 6 weeks, I have gone from not understanding how she couldn’t love me anymore, after all I have done for her and all the times that I have been there, to the realization that my issues were just as much a part of our current situation as any of her issues, to now having to face addressing those issues, without the support of the person I love the most.
Several books, several recordings, several counseling sessions, etc., brought me to the realization, but they cannot make you address the issues at hand. All of it really sent me in to a spiral. I tried to take it day by day, but it just got worse and worse. Spoke with my Dr. and she put me on an Anti-depressant late last week. I can say that it has helped. It still hurts, I still want us to be together, but the pain isn’t blinding and debilitating. I can focus much better while on the job, and this weekend wasn’t as bad as others have been. now that I have stepped back from the fog, I think it may be a bit easier to focus on the things I need to address. At least I am hoping so. 
I do thank you (and lovingsummer) for the support that is provided in this forum. I need all I can get right now.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm glad the Dr. got you on something for depression. My H takes Paxil as well, it's suppose to help with over obsessing on things so hopefully it does. 

My H and I are trying to work out all of our bs within ourselves and eachother. We were going to seperate but he works out of town 2 weeks at time anyway. We're finding it a lot harder than we thought to take a hard look at ourselves/our own issues and all the problems those issues have caused in our marriage. I feel your pain but agree that you have to work on yourself first before thinking about going back into the M dragging the same baggage as before. 

I find that forgiving myself is the hardest thing to do. I need to forgive not only my H for his mistakes but forgive myself for making mine and causing my fair share of damage. 

I'm trying to view myself as "under construction" instead of damaged or broken... Construction isn't pretty while it's happening, but the end results are usually beautiful.


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## yruhere (Aug 28, 2012)

sorry you're going through this. This brokeness is so hard on everyone. I had a part in my husbands affair but he doesn't want to talk with me about it. He is emotionally distant but still wants a marriage but no conselors. Sad, I've been though.

Bottom line: "You can't understand what you don't know"

kudos to you! You know you are in need of work and I pray that together for all your sakes you can eventually see the light at the end. Trials form character.


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