# Not Sure...



## wife29 (Jun 12, 2012)

I am not sure what to do or how to feel right now. The last few months (or years really) have been hard on my marriage. For quite a while I have been pretty upset that my husband never spends time with me or our children. He would always go outside or to his friends house when he wasn't working. I felt abandoned. Up until last week he had never gone anywhere alone with both kids and they are 4 and 6. 

Over the course of the last several years I have gotten so upset that I have told him that it was over. I was so mad at the time because of feeling rejected that I believed I really wanted it to be over. However, we would wake up the next day and act as if nothing happened and I would realize I didn't want it to be over. I was just angry at the time. I completely understand that this was horribly wrong of me to do, and I should have never done this. I have appologized to him recently about it without any buts. 

A few months ago his father who he never had a relationship with passed away. I thought he would be upset, but it appeared to me that he was just fine. However, recently I have come to find out he was upset and I just couldn't see it. Shortly after his father passed away (maybe a month) he was outside with his friends and I was very angry that I pulled him aside and told him it was over. He came in and told me fine. Take our money and move out. Later we talked about it and I thought we made up. 

About a month passes I guess and he leaves to go overseas for his job for several weeks. During that time he emails me and says he can't email me very often because the internet is bad. When he does email me he does say he loves me in the emails. 

I was very excited when he came home. However, I picked him up on Friday, and he stays gone the entire weekend, but I do see him on Sunday after I get home from church. He then tells me that things are over between us. He tells me he met some girl at the airport and that on Friday after I picked him up he rode his bike to go back and spend some more time with her. He says he has feelings for her like he used to have for me, and he doesn't have feelings for me. He gave her a hug and she tried to kiss him, but he didn't kiss her. I was crushed. 

We had a huge blow up. He said and did horrible things. I said and did horrible things. However, I wouldn't let my marriage go and pushed us to go to marriage counseling. We did, and we have learned a lot. Our marriage is now stronger than it has been in the longest time. However, I can't get past how I felt when he told me about this girl he met. He says that we were broken up at the time because of what I had told him a month before. Problem with that is that I thought that we had talked through things. We were still acting married after that. He continued to tell me he loved me. He says cause I did wrong what he did was ok. I have to get past my feelings on my own without him saying sorry. Not sure how to get past it. I want our marriage, so I have to figure out how to forget about it. Please help.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Go back to couples counseling and address this issue head on. From your description of events it sounds as if he flirted with this girl, but did not do anything else. If he saw her once for a few hours he would not have time to develop an emotional affair. There is a possibility that he had sex with her and is simply not telling you, but only a polygraph would confirm/deny that.

Communication is key in any relationship. It sounds as if you did/do not have the skills necessary to communicate your needs to your partner. You felt abandoned by your partner, and you lashed out at him, threatening to end the marriage, but never going through with it. Your boundaries are blurry at best, and will need work.

You would benefit from seeing an individual counselor in addition to the one you see for couples counseling with your partner. Your partner will never be able to meet your needs if you do not communicate to him what those needs are.

Best of luck.

-P


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## wife29 (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks for your reply. I do feel you are right. We have problems with communication and we do need to go back to counseling. 

I do feel that he had an emotional affair. He was texting her after meeting her. After all of this happened he told me he wanted to work things out and he texted her and told her he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. However, he started texting her again and lying to me about it. When I checked the online texting records I could see he was lying and told him about it. He got very angry at me then. He told me it was hard to choose between me and her. I was very hurt over this. He couldn't decide who he wanted more. However now our relationship is quite a bit better, and I do not believe he is texting her anymore. When we went to counseling the counselor pretty much brushed off my concerns on this emotional affair.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Maybe I'm missing something, did he meet the girl when he came home in the airport or was this before he ever came back? It seems a bit strange that he'd develop instantaneous feelings from a chance encounter


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## wife29 (Jun 12, 2012)

He met her when they were stranded at an airport out of country. The airport put them in hotels. He says they talked at the hotel, but then went to their own rooms. Then they spent time together the next day I guess on the flight back home. Then he went back up to the airport to see her untill she took off from the airport back to the state she lives in.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I really don't want to put across any suppositions but their encounters seem really suspect. I don't know if it's just cynicism from being on this forum for too long, but
marital problems+belief that you've broken up+randomly meets woman at an airport+develops feelings for her in a day+comes home tells you its over...

I fear that there's more to this story than he's letting on. And you know your husband more than we do, so only you can tell if he's trickle truthing.


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## wife29 (Jun 12, 2012)

I want to believe him. We have been together since I was 16 which has been 13 years and married 9 years. The entire time untill this I never caught him in a lie. I really believed he didn't lie to me. However, this happens. Also, he all of a sudden takes up smoking. Come to find out he tells me he has smoked a couple cigarettes every year that we can been together. I had no idea, and he obviously kept it from me because I can't stand the smell of smoke. If he kept that from me I now question what else he might have kept from me and I didn't know. But I really don't understand. I had never caught him in a lie for 13 years, and I whole heartedly trusted him. Now my trust is a little broken, and he gets mad if he feels that I don't trust him.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Well, it sounds like he's hurt or upset over you constantly threatening D which is understandable.

But it's also understandable that you'd be upset over the fact that he's acting like he's single and spending more time with his friends instead of his family.

I also believe the random woman at the airport story seems farfetched. Is he really that foolish as to throw your marriage and 9 years of history away over a chance encounter? I'd start investigating things further and take everything he says with a grain of salt.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

wife29 said:


> I want to believe him. We have been together since I was 16 which has been 13 years and married 9 years. The entire time untill this I never caught him in a lie. I really believed he didn't lie to me. However, this happens. Also, he all of a sudden takes up smoking. Come to find out he tells me he has smoked a couple cigarettes every year that we can been together. I had no idea, and he obviously kept it from me because I can't stand the smell of smoke. If he kept that from me I now question what else he might have kept from me and I didn't know. But I really don't understand. I had never caught him in a lie for 13 years, and I whole heartedly trusted him. Now my trust is a little broken, and he gets mad if he feels that I don't trust him.


Don't be intimidated by his attempts at rug sweeping or minimizing his actions. In regards to trust, consider him in year zero and he has to pro actively rebuild it. Don't give it to him so easily as there has to be consequences for his actions otherwise he'll think the repercussions won't be as severe the next time.


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## wife29 (Jun 12, 2012)

But what about him saying that it was over because I had said so a month before? I do understand that was horribly wrong, but I thought we worked things out. He led me to think we worked things out. However, he says that he wasn't over it so it was my fault. He told me because of this he didn't feel bad for what he did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be another case of a self-esteem issue. Every time you said: "It's over" a bit of him got chipped away until he saw a woman (perhaps something reminded him of the you he married?) and he went off the rails.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

wife29 said:


> But what about him saying that it was over because I had said so a month before?


Did you sign divorce papers? Last time I checked, a few things need to happen for a marriage to be officially over. Did you split finances and assets? Did you start living apart? Im sure the answer to all these questions is 'No'



wife29 said:


> I do understand that was horribly wrong, but I thought we worked things out. He led me to think we worked things out.


This is a perfect example of how important communication is in a relationship. In your mind the problem was resolved, and it was back to business as usual. In his mind, he did enough to get you off his case, then selectively used parts of the issue to justify his terrible behavior. 



wife29 said:


> However, he says that he wasn't over it so it was my fault. He told me because of this he didn't feel bad for what he did.


There is plenty of blame to go around when it comes to a failing relationship. That being said, some things are 100% not your fault. Him choosing to flirt/fck/EA with some random woman while still being married to you is 100% his fault and his responsibility. He is trying to shift the blame on to you. Dont let him get away with that.

As far as him not feeling bad or being remorseful for his actions, I would simply look at it this way. He did something that violated your boundaries (stated or unstated, really doesnt matter), you informed him that he hurt your feelings, and its up to him to help you move forward. There are ways you can help him with the task, like attending individual counseling and couples counseling sessions to help with communication, but from where I'm standing, he has some heavy lifting to do.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

This is another case of ,"be careful what you wish for". You threaten him with divorce, and so he begins to dis-engage from the marriage, and this surprises you why? You got angry with him at the time his father died? Did you consider his feelings, at all? Regardless of their relationship, it WAS his father, and you should have been a little more understanding. Yes, the two of you need counseling, but you need to consider the feelings of others as well as your own. In a way, you are lucky. the two of you have a second chance, so don't blow it on recriminations and blame. Work and communicate as a couple.


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