# So my wife cheated on me...



## koldmiser (Jun 17, 2010)

I'm new to the site, so please excuse me if any of this is against rules.

For the past several months my wife and I have been having a lot of problems. The problems started when my wife started taking on more and more responsibilities with her work union. This was causing her to be out for meetings often and even weekend and week long conferences. Even though she said she would try and cut back it continued and got worse. I had started to suspect she was having an affair with someone in the union. I found out this past Friday I was half right.

She was out of town and I was up late. I went into her office to get some paper and when I picked up a pad of paper from a folder on her desk a letter fell out. 

The letter was to someone she had been having a relationship with. It mentioned sex and that he had broken it off and that she didn't want to break it off and that she had "feelings" for him.

I immediately called her hotel and confronted her. She confessed. I told her she needed to be on the first plane back home and if she wasn't we were done. She did what I asked.

To shorten a long story...A year ago January I had injured my back pretty bad. It forced me to sleep on the couch, but really didn't put a dent in our sex life. It did start to depress me because it was taking so long to heal. Then in Sept my father passed away suddenly which was followed by my grandmother passing away in November. Needless to say my depression grew, but not to a point that I sat around sulking. 

My wife's story is that she was feeling like I wasn't paying enough attention to her so she contacted a man she had been engaged to 20 years ago (my wife and I have been married for 14 years). They talked on the phone and email and then one night while I was at work (I work 12 hour shifts as a 911 dispatcher) she took our son to her mothers saying she was going to the gym, but met this man at a restaurant and then spent time kissing him in his car (nothing more per her). A couple of weeks later she again had her mother watch our son saying she had to run errands while I was at work and met this man at his parents house (he's married and they were out of town). She admits that she went over there with the intent to have sex. She says they had very brief sex (no foreplay or anything and he wore a condom. yes, I asked for all the details.). She says they spoke a few times after that and then he broke it off in February and they haven't spoke since. 

Needless to say I'm devastated. In the last year I have dealt with a chronic illness, the death of two family members, and now this. 

Yet for some reason I still feel that I love her and want to work it out. We have our first counseling appointment tomorrow. 

I just can't get the idea out of my head that after everything I've done for her she ran to another man when I was in dire need of my wife. 

She seems to be very sorry for the incident and even started giving me updates on her act ivies when I'm at work (I did NOT ask her to do this).

I know this is running long, but I'm so confused. I want to be so mad at her, and I know what she did was completely selfish, but keep feeling like I might have done something even though she says I didn't. When I think about her with him (which I can't get out of my head) it makes me sick!

We've been talking a lot about with (zero yelling) and I feel there her union activities where a way to distance herself from me out of guilt, but the fighting from that had put such a strain on our relationship, and I had started to think it was my fault I had gone to counseling. 

Does this sound like something we can get through? Am I nuts for not running away? Suggestions? Comments?


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm 3 weeks from d-day (I caught my wife) and while there was no sex, there certainly was intent.

My wife is a difficult person and I wish she showed more remorse for her actions. To me it seems like your wife is showing signs of remorse. I would say that you should take the first few weeks just letting your emotions out and being yourself. Ask what you need to ask as many times as you need to ask it. Getting counseling is a good step, one I wish my wife would take. 

From what I've read so far this is something you can get by. In time you will be a stronger couple if you both are keen on keeping the marriage. Trust will, as far as I've read, grow again. Do what you need to do in order to trust her again. If she's giving you updates as to her whereabouts I'm guessing that's a good sign. My wife spent the first week insisting I check her text messages to show there was no contact with the other person. The other person lives in the same building we do which makes things far more complicated than that.

I'm still going through ups and downs. I too asked for all the gory details and how she could let it get as far as she did (She insists it wouldn't have led to sex but I'm not an idiot...no anymore anyways). If there are things that your wife feels made her seek attention elsewhere, you'll have to talk about that and listen. It's never an excuse to do what she did but at least you'll know where you can work on things so that it doesn't happen again. If she is still IN LOVE with you and you are still in love with her, there is no reason you can't get by this. Save any big decisions like separation or divorce for a time when you are not in 'anger' mode. Give yourself some time and then make the decision as to whether you want to stay or leave.

I too have had to deal with an illness and 2 deaths, and my wife did it just 2 days before my birthday...not exactly the best way to start off the beginning of 2010. Do some reading online as to how to survive infidelity and prepare yourself with knowledge. I'm still in the 'anti-social I want nothing to do with anything' phase. My wife could help me out of this phase if she acted more like your wife. You have a child which complicates things further and your job seems quite demanding. Perhaps you should look at spending more time with your wife and son as a family, down the road.

Denial is the first phase, it will pass. Anger I believe is the next phase...take it as it comes. Use this forum, like I have, to post away your worries and concerns. This is a great outlet for that with some solid advice from many people. I'm new to this as well, so take whatever I say with a pinch of salt. Others with more experience should chime in soon.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

It would seem she is now in the withdrawal state. She doesn't have her crack. She is not going to be a happy person. You are in her way. Stay there. You are in a difficult place but as SA said above, you marriage can recover. It can be better than ever. You need to be understanding while she goes through this. This site is very pro-marriage. You will get a great deal of help here.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

if shes remorseful as u say
i'd ask her all the Q's u can think of, as she'll never be as honest
(?) and cooperative as now. that is, if u r man enough to take 
it.

dont be stupid. dont lose this opportunity. it never comes 
again. use yer imagination. am sure u'd like to know the 
hows wheres whens whys. assure her the honesty factor
will help heal u 2 once more. i'd bet shes been in touch
w/ this guy yrs b4 and/or def thinking about him n her, 
fantasy like.

again, only if u r man enuff to take the pain. if not, well....
u can always manicure yer nails instead.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm very much in the boat about asking all the questions you want. Your imagination can run wild and I'm sure what you picture her doing and how she feels is far worse than what actually happened. If you have to ask again and again the same question, don't feel bad. It's hard to take it all in one shot and so you should be taking as much in as you can and whatever you can't take in, ask again later.

BUT...if you aren't going to like the answers (And none of us really do) and you think the answers will only hurt you more than what you have in your head, then don't ask. Ask only what you can handle. I asked "Did you like it?" "Did you want it to go further?" "If I hadn't walked in would you have done 'this' or 'that'." "How can you be so sure?"....and then I would ask again and again. She got angry "Why do you need to know?" Well...because I need to know in order to move on...you did it...you feel pain telling me about it...to bad if you want this to work.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

If you are both determined to save your marriage - yes this is something you can get through and yes, even have a stronger marriage after. I know that seems hard to believe (especially right now) but it's true. I can TELL you for certain that my marriage is stronger than it's been in a LONG time, maybe ever. We're very happy too. It's not without heartache and sadness or hurt but as time goes on, that is less and less.

Your reaction sounds just like mine. The moment my hubby uttered the words to me that he was having an affair, after the intial physically feeling of having the life being sucked out of me and not being able to breathe and wanting to vomit at the same time, all I felt was fear. Fear of losing my husband and my marriage and the certainty that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that didn't happen. Kicking him out or leaving him never crossed my mind. (which is the exact opposite of how I would have reponded if you asked me prior to all this) I wanted to be mad at him and scream and yell but I never did. WHY? Because I deep down I knew that I was partially to blame because I hadn't been the perfect wife and I had failed my H in many ways too. Neither of us was perfect and while I didn't do something as selfish as having an A with a friend (whole other can of worms), I still was at fault and partially to blame for our marriage failing apart. It was NOT my fault that he had an A. I was at fault for letting my marriage get to the point that something like that was even possible. 

Communication is vital and it sounds like you've already started that. She does sound remorseful and that's good news. Good people can make really bad mistakes. But if you're both willing to work through this, you can find happiness again. 

Good Luck to you.


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## koldmiser (Jun 17, 2010)

Well we had our first counseling session today. It was exhausting, but I think it went well.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

koldmiser said:


> Well we had our first counseling session today. It was exhausting, but I think it went well.


That's great, Koldmiser. Glad things went well. Counselling does take a lot out of you but, I have to say, I am optimistic for you both, given how you still feel for your wife and the fact that she confessed straight away.

It'll be a long road with lonely moments but good luck with it all.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

It sounds like you are on the right track, you have your head screwed on straight and she is trying to make it up to you by coming home and keeping you posted. Yes, she let you down and betrayed you.

My husband and I have recently gone through this and we are progressing well. If it helps with the turmoil of your emotions, you may be interested in reading my blog. If so, I hope it helps you.

Best, Lyn


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## koldmiser (Jun 17, 2010)

Where can I find your blog?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

After His Affair


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It seems hopeful.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

koldmiser, once a cheater will always be a cheater. she intended to cheat, and she did it more than twice, and if you didnt fine out she might be still sleeping with other man. the ball in your court, divorce her and keep your son and the house. that woman has no respect for you. I'm sorry to say that, you will find a better person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuiders.com and print out their Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Both of you need to sit down and fill them out, and then swap. Take that information about your wife and fix yourself so that you are all she needs. Ask her to take your information and see what she can do to do the same. It will make a remarkable difference in your lives.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Just wanted to say that not everyone who has had affairs is an "always cheater." I've been related to a couple of chronic cheaters.

My husband had an affair, but when I have told someone who knows him, I have heard, 

"J. is not a cheater." Aside from the affair, my husband has always been strong, loving and devoted to me, as people have commented on. We thought we were too close for an affair to occur, which is entirely naive.

It's easy to walk away in the heat of the moment when one's pride is wounded, but the experts say that most people who do walk away regret giving up on the marriage without fighting for it.

Eighty percent of marriages are touched by affairs. Sixty percent of men admit to affairs and 40% of women do. The true numbers are higher, most likely, and expert Peggy Vaughn says that it's not affairs which are unusual, it's the discovery of them. 

Peggy is a foremost expert on affairs and I immediately read her book, "Beyond Affairs." I am now on to "The Monogamy Myth." You can find her resources and even make an appointment with her for a phone consult at DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center. I haven't done that, but yoiuy may find her insight helpful.

Best,

Lyn


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## koldmiser (Jun 17, 2010)

Thank you for the blog link. It's been useful.

So far I think things are going well. We've had a few bumps, but it's only been a couple of weeks. I had to remind her at one point that this may have ended for her in March and she's just dealing with fixing our relationship, I have to have to deal with the discovery and finding a way to learn to trust her. 

I love my wife dearly and have been cheated on in the past (I walked out on my fiance the night I found out and never looked back), but this feels like something worth working for.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

It's only been a couple of weeks, as you said. I didn't come out of shock for weeks and didn't hit absolute bottom until 2 months later and that lasted about 3 months. My husband was very attentive, telling me that anything I was thinking about him, he deserved and that any anger I felt I didn't need to apologize for.

I still have moments, it's only been 6 months, but by and large, his willingness to take responsibility for his stupidity and disrespect, as he says, and to do anything I needed him to do to help me trust him again is what has helped.

Best,

Lyn


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