# Need advice wife of 19 years says she wants a divorce... In 3 years...



## Fly Fisher

Hello all,

I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.

I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.

I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.

The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.

The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.

She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.

Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.

Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.

I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.

I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.


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## Tdbo

Why wait three years?
If she wants out give her her freedom.
Have her served Divorce paperwork coldly and without notice.
Who says she gets to control the agenda?
You need to get off of defense, and get on offense.
You will see then how much she truly wants out.
BTW, dump her anyway. She's a cheater.


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## *Deidre*

I'm sure there are a lot of other things that went on, you sound more forgiving of her ''shortcomings'' than she is of yours. She has cheated on you at least twice, that you know of, and to me, why ''fight'' for someone like this, who sounds apathetic about the marriage. You can't change her, only can change how you react. Sounds like she wants to wait three years for your kid to turn 18, but, also to get her act together with a job, etc...

I'm not a fan of ''fighting'' to save marriages single-handedly. If she was invested in trying again, okay. But, she's not, so to me...don't spend your days exhausted trying to twist yourself into someone she'll approve of. You deserved better a long time ago, OP.


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## ccpowerslave

To me this reads like she’s done. Instead of waiting and doing it on her timeline I’d blow it up immediately.


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## SunCMars

She is a (take-her-time) walk away wife who has her shoe laces still tied together.

The woman is presently being honest, whereas before she went behind your back.
Her mid-life crises has lasted over a decade!

Give her credit for being honest.

In our short lifetimes, 3 years is a long time.

I would pull off the band aid, scab and all, and file for divorce.... now.

Permit no one to disrespect you.

Seriously, what is there to lose?

She has already written you off.

Make the break-up official.

Tell your children that you and their mother have no love for each other anymore. and are going to divorce.

Keep the details hidden. 

Years down the road you could mention that she strayed on two occasions.
Especially, if she blames you for the divorce.


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## Mr.Married

I’ll keep it short. She is so very finished that the ship has sailed long ago. You are the only one trying to fight for marriage. The only choice you need to make is if you want to be garbage married until your child turns 18 or not. Your wife is finished and you are 100% completely wasting your time on that end of the deal.

When a woman notifies you that she is done it usually means she already knew it a very long time ago but just now has decided to tell you. She’s finished….. let her go.


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## LATERILUS79

She’s giving you a 3 year window. 

Use it to your advantage because she clearly is going to do that. 

She’s trying to set you up. The fact that she cheated means she is a liar. I wouldn’t ever trust another word out of her mouth (whether that cheater is a man or woman). You need to start getting your ducks in a row and move things around so that she can’t take you to the cleaners. That is most likely her plan - and then you’ll be financing her new life with her new man. That’ll be the gut punch from hell. 

Set things up so that she can only get half at most. Don’t let her take you for everything you have. You have time to make a plan since she is giving you 3 years. 

Once you are ready, screw the 3 years. Have her served. Let her get shocked with the divorce papers.


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## Fly Fisher

Thank you everyone for the replies. It would seem my gut was right on the matter as all of you essentially gave the same advice as my friends. I do know that she hasn’t said a word to her family as I’ve always been close with my mother in law. Actually she has only told two of her friends from I can tell.

There is one other component making this more difficult. Two of our three children have special needs and do not take change well.

I think sometimes she has forgotten what she has said. I am up for a promotion at work which will require a relocation. I had mentioned via text yesterday. She started looking at homes in the areas and sending me listings. She also sent comments saying such and such place wouldn’t make sense for us because xyand z. Or so and so would be good because we could do x.

I have not just been sitting around all sad in in woe is me mode either. I have been keeping active by lifting weights at home, kayaking (we live on a lake), and walking 2-3 miles daily. Taking the boys out fishing or shooting. Going out to lunch with my daughter. Helping her with the challenges of college and trying to adult. Just trying to stay active and not sit around feeling bad about all of this.


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## Mr.Married

Unlike most people that come here in your situation it sounds like you actually have your act together and your head on straight. Think about all that fly fishing you can do as a single man 👍


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## 342693

It does sound like she’s done, but the 3 year time frame is odd. She’s fine being miserable and in a dead marriage for 3 more years? That doesn’t pass the sniff test. She’s a cheater, her past shows that. Perhaps she has a guy on the side and he’s promising to leave his wife in 3 years.

It doesn’t really matter. You need to do what’s best for you. And I would suggest moving up her 3 year plan on her. Tell her if she’s truly done, you want a divorce now. It’s not fair for you to waste 3 years of your life waiting on her. In 3 years, you could be married to the real life of your life, a woman that won’t treat you like garbage. Know your worth and control your destiny.


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## Mybabysgotit

My wife and I are the same ages as you two, been together the same amount of time, and she's a SAHM as well. Where we differ is that if my wife would have cheated like yours had done (multiple times), I would have been the one calling the marriage off long ago. Further, if she came to me with the same BS your wife did, I wouldn't entertain a conversation with her, there wouldn't be a need to. 

BTW, your long ago cigarette habit, and not doing enough around the house is NOT the reason she is leaving you. Those issues are minor and would have been hashed out long time ago. If you give her the three years, it might take a serious toll on your mental health.


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## Mr.Married

Any type of hate towards your wife that you build up in your mind will only make you a slave to it. Let it go as best you can and work instead on your future plan of action.


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## bobert

You might want to look into when alimony becomes permanent in your state. She may be holding out for that... Or you may want to move things along to prevent that. You're already going to be ripped a new one (most likely) because she has been a SAHM for so long with likely no earning potential.


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## happyhusband0005

Fly Fisher said:


> Thank you everyone for the replies. It would seem my gut was right on the matter as all of you essentially gave the same advice as my friends. I do know that she hasn’t said a word to her family as I’ve always been close with my mother in law. Actually she has only told two of her friends from I can tell.
> 
> There is one other component making this more difficult. Two of our three children have special needs and do not take change well.
> 
> I think sometimes she has forgotten what she has said. I am up for a promotion at work which will require a relocation. I had mentioned via text yesterday. She started looking at homes in the areas and sending me listings. She also sent comments saying such and such place wouldn’t make sense for us because xyand z. Or so and so would be good because we could do x.
> 
> I have not just been sitting around all sad in in woe is me mode either. I have been keeping active by lifting weights at home, kayaking (we live on a lake), and walking 2-3 miles daily. Taking the boys out fishing or shooting. Going out to lunch with my daughter. Helping her with the challenges of college and trying to adult. Just trying to stay active and not sit around feeling bad about all of this.


Take the advice you've been given about getting your ducks in a row. Meet with a divorce lawyer and start working on protecting yourself. Get it all together and file ASAP. I get you're concerned for your kids and you are right to be, but there will be no difference to them if you file tomorrow or in 3 years. What every stress and pain it will cause them isn't going to change much in 3 years and the home situation will deteriorate and they will notice and that will cause them stress and anxiety watching it. I think all things considered ripping the bandaid off sooner is better for them than drawing it out.


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## bobert

Fly Fisher said:


> There is one other component making this more difficult. Two of our three children have special needs and do not take change well.


Whether it happens now or in three years, they will have to go through the change and the challenges that come with that. 

One of my kids has special needs and it was a factor in why I felt I couldn't divorce. He does not handle change well, the transition would be rough, and going between homes would be a struggle for him because he needs stability and he has attachment issues. In hindsight though, to an extent it was just an excuse. I could have made it work if I wanted to. Though it definitely would have sucked for a while.

You may want to think about what you can do to prepare them for change or make it easier for them. If they have therapists (mental, occupational, etc) you may want to contact them for advise or additional resources.


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## Tdbo

Fly Fisher said:


> Thank you everyone for the replies. It would seem my gut was right on the matter as all of you essentially gave the same advice as my friends. I do know that she hasn’t said a word to her family as I’ve always been close with my mother in law. Actually she has only told two of her friends from I can tell.
> 
> There is one other component making this more difficult. Two of our three children have special needs and do not take change well.
> 
> I think sometimes she has forgotten what she has said. I am up for a promotion at work which will require a relocation. I had mentioned via text yesterday. She started looking at homes in the areas and sending me listings. She also sent comments saying such and such place wouldn’t make sense for us because xyand z. Or so and so would be good because we could do x.
> 
> I have not just been sitting around all sad in in woe is me mode either. I have been keeping active by lifting weights at home, kayaking (we live on a lake), and walking 2-3 miles daily. Taking the boys out fishing or shooting. Going out to lunch with my daughter. Helping her with the challenges of college and trying to adult. Just trying to stay active and not sit around feeling bad about all of this.


If you are looking to relocate, all the more reason to file now.


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## *Deidre*

Fly Fisher said:


> Thank you everyone for the replies. It would seem my gut was right on the matter as all of you essentially gave the same advice as my friends. I do know that she hasn’t said a word to her family as I’ve always been close with my mother in law. Actually she has only told two of her friends from I can tell.
> 
> There is one other component making this more difficult. Two of our three children have special needs and do not take change well.
> 
> I think sometimes she has forgotten what she has said. I am up for a promotion at work which will require a relocation. I had mentioned via text yesterday. She started looking at homes in the areas and sending me listings. She also sent comments saying such and such place wouldn’t make sense for us because xyand z. Or so and so would be good because we could do x.
> 
> I have not just been sitting around all sad in in woe is me mode either. I have been keeping active by lifting weights at home, kayaking (we live on a lake), and walking 2-3 miles daily. Taking the boys out fishing or shooting. Going out to lunch with my daughter. Helping her with the challenges of college and trying to adult. Just trying to stay active and not sit around feeling bad about all of this.


Why tell you that she plans to leave in three years? Why say anything, why not just wait until three years is up in her mind, and then ask you for a divorce? I don't get the sense that she's actively having a physical affair or maybe any at the moment, otherwise she might balk at relocating. But, I don't understand why she felt the need to tell you this now, and then send all these mixed messages...like acting normal about relocating, like she's planning it with you.

I'd say her not sharing it with her mother, is because she would be embarrassed, and have to explain why. She doesn't have a ''good reason'' other than being "unhappy,'' and thinking the grass is greener, from what I can tell. The fact that she cheated twice at least, tells me she has been checked out for a while. 

I think it's great you're taking care of yourself, working out, and staying focused on getting out of the house with the kids. Doing fun things, even if without her joining. Stay strong. Be careful...so many threads on here, where spouses send mixed messages and keep their wives/husbands in a state of tension,always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can only control what you can control, but I'd start setting up some boundaries....If it were me, I wouldn't act like everything is fine, and just wait for three years to pass by. 

Keep posting, and staying strong.


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## TexasMom1216

It sounds like the significance of 3 years is that the youngest kid is out of the house. So she wants to keep the family together until all the kids are gone. I get that, but announcing it is weird. 

I hope she’s getting herself a job so she can support herself instead of assuming she’ll stay on the payroll. But if she’s never had a job she may think exactly that. 

Sounds like it’s been over for you guys for a while. Did she tell you this so you could start dating? It’s a weird move to just announce it but maybe she was letting you know as soon as she decided so she doesn’t lie to you for 3 more years. Odd.


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## LATERILUS79

Any chance you can turn down the promotion for now? 

Sounds like your wife is looking to get you to buy a new house, relocate and then cash in on your new salary. 

That would suck ass. 

If she wants out - give her the out right now before you make more money and increase your debt with a larger, more expensive house. 

Set up your alimony at your current salary, then get the new job after your divorce.


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## ConanHub

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.
> 
> I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.
> 
> I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
> The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.
> 
> The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.
> 
> The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
> A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.
> 
> She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.
> 
> Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.
> 
> I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.


She's gone and good riddance and she is giving a gift.

Get a legal separation drawn up and be roommates until your kiddo moved out.

That's plenty of time to get your ducks in a row.

You are very fortunate to not have this dumped on you suddenly. You can actually prepare now.

This gives both of you time to set yourselves up and keeps a little stability for your child though you need to come up with some ground rules like no bringing dates home.


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## DownByTheRiver

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.
> 
> I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.
> 
> I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
> The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.
> 
> The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.
> 
> The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
> A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.
> 
> She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.
> 
> Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.
> 
> I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.


She just doesn't want that life anymore. She's unhappy and she's disconnected from you. You should just let her go. If you don't want to wait 3 years as roommates that could get very messy. But if that's out of the question and you need to get away sooner than I would just talk to her about that and tell her that's not an option because you don't want to live like that for 3 years. Of course you really should put the child's interest first. But if it's going to get to be unpleasant in the household then staying together with the child there would not be in the child's best interest either.


----------



## Gregory Chaucery

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.
> 
> I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.
> 
> I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
> The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.
> 
> The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.
> 
> The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
> A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.
> 
> She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.
> 
> Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.
> 
> I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.


In short, she either has something on the go on the side that she isn't telling you or she is working on it and she isn't telling you..
The three years is for her to want to make a safe jump, not for you.
If her situation works out for her, she likely has no intention of finishing those three years.
The moment that she has told you the marriage is over is the moment you are no longer obligated to give her any consideration for ending it it.
You can set your own timeline for yourself now.


----------



## SunCMars

Your wife has raised 3 children, two of them special needs.

Are these "Special Needs" children to be turned over to _*The System*_, at 18, or are they going to be dependents....._forever,_ (for ever how long)?

Having children as these is extremely hard on relationships,* harder *than most can imagine.

She is likely burned out and wants to start over, anew.
Start over at a relatively young age of 41.
38+3 = 41 years old.

Anew, without you or the two old special needs kids.

I get it, I have empathy.

Not for her cheating, (no excusing) but for her lot in life. 
Any parent who has 'special needs' children is forever, handicapped themselves. 😔.

Life is hard.


----------



## TexasMom1216

SunCMars said:


> Your wife has raised 3 children, two of them special needs.
> 
> Are these "Special Needs" children to be turned over to _*The System*_, at 18, or are they going to be dependents....._forever,_ (for ever how long)?
> 
> Having children as these is extremely hard on relationships,* harder *than most can imagine.
> 
> She is likely burned out and wants to start over, anew.
> Start over at a relatively young age of 41.
> 38+3 = 41 years old.
> 
> Anew, without you or the two old special needs kids.
> 
> I get it, I have empathy.
> 
> Not for her cheating, (no excusing) but for her lot in life.
> Any parent who has 'special needs' children is forever, handicapped themselves. 😔.
> 
> Life is hard.


It is especially hard when you do it alone. The OP said “I work outside the house, you work inside.” Her job has been 24/7 for over 20 years, while he got breaks that he divided between doing time with his family and enjoying time on his own with his friends. I have no patience or sympathy for her brushes with infidelity, but I do have empathy for how lonely her life has been and understand why she doesn’t feel anything for him. She should have tried to make changes instead of seeking attention elsewhere, perhaps she did, the OP doesn’t say.


----------



## bygone

You and your wife will meet your sexual needs outside.

the waters will be tested and it will be an easy transition (her opinion)

This is out of the question for you.

the marriage is over, start the divorce.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Tdbo said:


> Why wait three years?
> If she wants out give her her freedom.
> Have her served Divorce paperwork coldly and without notice.
> Who says she gets to control the agenda?
> You need to get off of defense, and get on offense.
> You will see then how much she truly wants out.
> BTW, dump her anyway. She's a cheater.


What he said times ten! Grow a pair a rock her world harshly


----------



## Fly Fisher

To answer some of the questions that have come up. My two special needs children are considered high functioning. I paid for therapy for both from age 2 on. My oldest is now in college with multiple scholarships but living at home. She has some challenges still but should be able to be a productive member of society. A far cry from when she was a non verbal 3 year old.

my older son would have been classified as Aspergers under the DSM IV but is just brought under the ASD umbrella now. He too has been in therapy from an early age. He is doing well in high school but still struggles socially.

As far as the earlier years, yes I made my mistakes too as outlined. I have attended couples counseling in the past. I thought we had worked through the issues. I dIid and have made actual changes. As far as helping and have done so for years.

She has had her escapes as well and hasn’t been tied to the house for 20 years. She has gone on trips with her family while the children stayed with me. She went to school in person and graduated with her BA in 2013 then went into a masters program. She stopped 1 year shy of completing her masters.

Yes the three years was for the children. She also indicated that it was also so I wouldn’t have to pay child support and that the children can stay in their current school district. She also said that she intends on finishing her masters at the urging of her therapist. Her interview and MET are scheduled for next week. She wishes to continue her counseling/psy masters then become a therapist.

As far as the promotion, I could stall until next year for sure. Although this would make more sense to me if she had a side piece. The evidence does not point to that being a reality.

I did something risky and contacted a friend of hers that I knew she had told about a month ago. I said that I did not want specifics as far as anything she said. I just wanted to know if it was actually over. After a bit of dialogue where her friend was saying that she told her that she should work things out and that she would pray for our marriage, I said the same thing about it making more sense if there was someone else. Her friend said not a chance (she knows about the past issues) and that she was just concentrating on herself.

About a weeks ago the friend contacted me saying that she thinks my wife was coming around based on conversation (again I did not want or ask for specifics). This is what prompted me to have the last direct conversation I talked about in my OP. I hope this answers some of the questions various people had.


----------



## MJJEAN

SCDad01 said:


> It does sound like she’s done, but the 3 year time frame is odd. She’s fine being miserable and in a dead marriage for 3 more years? That doesn’t pass the sniff test.


Not really that suspicious. OP said that 2 of the 3 kids are special needs and the wife is specifically waiting until the youngest is 18 to end the marriage formally. She's had multiple affairs. She clearly checked out a long time ago and has remained in the marriage "for the kids". She's just now informing OP she's been done because she's close to the finish line and probably counting days until she's free.



bobert said:


> Whether it happens now or in three years, they will have to go through the change and the challenges that come with that.


Yup. Might as well get it filed and finalized as soon as possible. No point to waiting, really. Changes will come either way.



Tdbo said:


> If you are looking to relocate, all the more reason to file now.


Maybe. States have different divorce laws. It might be better to wait and file in the new state after they establish residency. OP should check with a couple lawyers in both states to see where he stands.


----------



## Diana7

The children will be badly effected whether it's now or in three years so not sure why she wants to wait. Personally, I wouldn't and couldn't live with a spouse who had already told me that the marriage was over for another 3 years, so I would be getting legal advice and would file myself.


----------



## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill. Her friend is probably not going to tell you the truth.
It sounds like you know the tip of this iceberg.
However, let her go. See a good attorney and know where you stand. She wants out help her.
She needs a job asap. You are looking at alimony and child support. This is now strictly a business decision.
Try and stay out of hopium. That won’t get you a thing.
She’s cheated twice that you know of. That says serial cheater.
You can waste a lot of time and life tied up in these things. You’ll never get that back.


----------



## wmn1

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.
> 
> I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.
> 
> I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
> The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.
> 
> The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.
> 
> The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
> A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.
> 
> She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.
> 
> Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.
> 
> I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.



you don't need signs of infidelity right now.

It is as obvious as Dwight Eisenhower was President that she is cheating but ok.

She wants to wait 3 years ?? To suck you dry or to live the comfortable life and then leave ??

She is abusing you and you take it. Stop talking it. Find a bulldog attorney and go after her now before she gets you.

Be strong, not weak. She cut you off sexually, wants to leave you, wants to stick around for stability and leave you dry. Dude, get aggressive and protect yourself. It is so obvious that I don't know why you are posting here but great. It's my opinion


----------



## wmn1

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check your phone bill. Her friend is probably not going to tell you the truth.
> It sounds like you know the tip of this iceberg.
> However, let her go. See a good attorney and know where you stand. She wants out help her.
> She needs a job asap. You are looking at alimony and child support. This is now strictly a business decision.
> Try and stay out of hopium. That won’t get you a thing.
> She’s cheated twice that you know of. That says serial cheater.
> You can waste a lot of time and life tied up in these things. You’ll never get that back.



exactly !!!!!! I don't get the stay with the cheater crap. Every situation is different but this woman sounds like she's cheating and using him. He needs to attack


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

TexasMom1216 said:


> _*It is especially hard when you do it alone. The OP said “I work outside the house, you work inside.” Her job has been 24/7 for over 20 years, while he got breaks that he divided between doing time with his family and enjoying time on his own with his friends. I have no patience or sympathy for her brushes with infidelity, but I do have empathy for how lonely her life has been and understand why she doesn’t feel anything for him. She should have tried to make changes instead of seeking attention elsewhere, perhaps she did, the OP doesn’t say.*_


It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.

Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.

What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.

When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.

She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.

Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.

Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.

OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


----------



## TexasMom1216

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.
> 
> Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.
> 
> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


This is often the case when divorce comes “out of the blue.” “I worked my ass off from 8-5 M-F so she could work for me 24/7 while raising the kids on her own because I was burned out from my 40 hours.” ZERO appreciation or respect for what she does. It’s always the “oh I respect my wife for staying home” guys who blah blah about how THEY sacrificed so their wives could have this life of leisure and then complain about how “she took all my money and did nothing.” Sorry, not sorry, it’s the truth. She shouldn’t have cheated (which he says stops short of actual sex each time, which is interesting considering the pass that’s given when it’s not her doing it) but I can certainly see why she is ready to retire from the job of being his “wife.”


----------



## Evinrude58

Wh


She'sStillGotIt said:


> It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.
> 
> Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.
> 
> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


if it’s so atrociously hard, why exactly do ladies keep having children?
You’d think every woman that stays home, with kids works their butts off. It’s not true. Lots of men and women are lazy. If they were staying home working their butts off, they’d be teaching their kids to do part of the everyday life chores and that in itself would greatly reduce the stay at home mom’s work load. There’s plenty of women that did/do work their buys off from daylight to dark and TAUGHT their kids to do the household chores and their kids were FUN and GREAT to have around instead of burdens that make their lives difficult. In this case it’s special needs kids. But they’re high functioning. 
I don’t argue with the premise of a mom’s job being 24/7, but so is most dad’s. They don’t come home and watch football and drink beer every day. 
my point is that raising kids shouldn’t be so difficult if a parent is training their kids to be productive people. I’m sure I’m wrong.


----------



## ConanHub

SunCMars said:


> Your wife has raised 3 children, two of them special needs.
> 
> Are these "Special Needs" children to be turned over to _*The System*_, at 18, or are they going to be dependents....._forever,_ (for ever how long)?
> 
> Having children as these is extremely hard on relationships,* harder *than most can imagine.
> 
> She is likely burned out and wants to start over, anew.
> Start over at a relatively young age of 41.
> 38+3 = 41 years old.
> 
> Anew, without you or the two old special needs kids.
> 
> I get it, I have empathy.
> 
> Not for her cheating, (no excusing) but for her lot in life.
> Any parent who has 'special needs' children is forever, handicapped themselves. 😔.
> 
> Life is hard.


Sure is and betraying your partner is still shytty. I say, give her the single mom life she wants.


----------



## Fly Fisher

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.
> 
> Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.
> 
> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


Lol I can tell who has read my subsequent posts and who hasn’t. Never had a day off??? She has always been able to go places with when she pleased. Heck, she recently got back from a girls only vacation. That stuff she is bringing up happened more than a decade ago. We went to counseling because of that and the stuff on her part. I made changes and stopped doing those things. So what are you going on about? You come off as a bitter person.

I always have been appreciative of what she contributed to the household. While she was in 24/7/365 servitude as you put it, she managed to get her BA and stopped one year shot of her MA. Kind of hard to do that in person with no additional help.


----------



## TRy

Your wife cheated on you at least 3 times that you know of. She is a cheater at heart. The reasons that she is giving you for wanting to end the marriage is cheater’s bull. My guess is that she wants to change her status with to be as a roommate because she either is already cheating or she already has someone lined up.

Time to move on and to find someone that is better wife material.


----------



## Marc878

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.
> 
> Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.
> 
> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


She had a choice in life. We all do. No one made her have kids and be a SAHM. It’ll be interesting to see how she likes working a job.

When my wife and I got married she wanted to stay home and raise kids. I got laid off so she had to work while I stayed home and took care of the house and kids. I hated it and she hated working. After I went back to work she quit and stayed home.
I worked hard and switched jobs a lot so we were covered for our retirement years. It’s a lot harder on one income.
OP if you’re smart you’ll move on as fast as possible. Let her go. Staying with a cheater is always a bad idea from what I’ve see. You probably should DNA your kids.


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## BlueWoman

Fly Fisher said:


> Lol I can tell who has read my subsequent posts and who hasn’t. Never had a day off??? She has always been able to go places with when she pleased. Heck, she recently got back from a girls only vacation. That stuff she is bringing up happened more than a decade ago. We went to counseling because of that and the stuff on her part. I made changes and stopped doing those things. So what are you going on about? You come off as a bitter person.
> 
> I always have been appreciative of what she contributed to the household. While she was in 24/7/365 servitude as you put it, she managed to get her BA and stopped one year shot of her MA. Kind of hard to do that in person with no additional help.


You know, I believed you had made changes until I read this post. But your need to personally insult a woman by stating facts tells me that you probably are a gaslighter (which may or may not actually mean you are a narcissist). And now I am pretty sure you haven't made nearly as many changes as you needed to. 

Anyway, the marriage is done. You would be a fool to stay with her after 1) cheating on you and 2) her stating she was done. Being self-aware about your role in the demise of your marriage is a good idea if you ever want a new relationship, but this relationship should not be salvaged.


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## Marc878

TRy said:


> Your wife cheated on you at least 3 times that you know of. She is a cheater at heart. The reasons that she is giving you for wanting to end the marriage is cheater’s bull. My guess is that she wants to change her status with to be as a roommate because she either is already cheating or she already has someone lined up.
> 
> Time to move on and to find someone that is better wife material.


OP google serial cheaters. They never stop.


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## Marc878

BlueWoman said:


> You know, I believed you had made changes until I read this post. But your need to personally insult a woman by stating facts tells me that you probably are a gaslighter (which may or may not actually mean you are a narcissist). And now I am pretty sure you haven't made nearly as many changes as you needed to.
> 
> Anyway, the marriage is done. You would be a fool to stay with her after 1) cheating on you and 2) her stating she was done. Being self-aware about your role in the demise of your marriage is a good idea if you ever want a new relationship, but this relationship should not be salvaged.


Cheating is a choice. There is nothing more damaging to a marriage than infidelity.


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## BlueWoman

Marc878 said:


> Cheating is a choice. There is nothing more damaging to a marriage than infidelity.


Agreed. 100%.


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## ConanHub

BlueWoman said:


> You know, I believed you had made changes until I read this post. But your need to personally insult a woman by stating facts


Umm. This actually doesn't look good on you and is insulting to women everywhere as written.

Did you really mean that he shouldn't have shared facts and that facts are insulting to women?


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## Beach123

So she wants three more years so you do t have to pay child support? NO WAY! That’s is BS!
She wants three years so YOU pay for her to finish school! 
she also just went on a girls trip? Are ya sure about that? She could have met someone else.

either way - do NOT pay for her school! If she wants the divorce - SHE can pay for it herself! She is a spoiled entitled cheating wife!
And you best help yourself by divorcing her sooner - as in NOW!
Your kids will learn that change IS part of living! It happens constantly! Shielding kids from reality does not help them to learn!
Divorce her. She’s likely cheating again! She has acted spoiled and doesn’t understand what fidelity looks like!

you should not have swept all her cheating under the rug. She should have been exposed for the cheater she is. You should have held her accountable for ruining your marriage over and over. She didn’t regret cheating - she just knew she would do it again when the opportunity arose.

don’t wait. It’s three more years wasted with a woman that isn’t being loving and kind to you.

she will take your money for her lifestyle - but she doesn’t expect to be respecting you.

move any available money now! Put any assets and money in your name only. Close all credit cards you have together. Give her a weekly budget to cover the expenses needed.
If you don’t - you will find she is stashing the money you earn for herself only!
But I would file for D now! Because the 3 years is designed so she can use your money and make her life easier.
Protect yourself! Seriously! Don’t wait!


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## frusdil

Once a woman is done, she's done OP. Change will be hard for your kids yes, but whether now or in 3 years it will still be hard.

I’ve raised a special needs daughter, full time, including home school, and while yes it was exhausting and at times EXTREMELY stressful, to say that I never got a moment off in all these years is frankly ridiculous. As in OP’s case, we’re talking high functioning special needs, not severely physically/intellectually disabled. Come on now.

What you need to do OP is get legal advice and file for divorce. And when doing so, remember that she is the one who is putting the kids through this change, not you (she’ll try and blame you, tell you how selfish you are etc.)


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## frusdil

And since she wants this, SHE can GTFO out of the house, then the kids don’t have to be uprooted.


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## Beach123

She is basically selfish, self centered and spoiled. Let her go find someone else to deal with her bad character defects.

it’s always amazing to me that a spouse starts a thread saying how much they love their spouse when they are showing all these deficiencies. Love doesn’t look like this! She’s got you trained to think this is normal…it’s NOT when a person is decent, kind and loving!

think about it…she has a pillow between you and her in your own bed! That screams “stay away from me!”


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## Casual Observer

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.


Resentment. That's what comes out really strongly here, not so much from this post as the OP's description of his wife's words and actions. And I think it's largely avoidable. I think that today, looking back on 42 years of marriage that could have been a whole lot better had I seen the value in frequent "How are we doing?" sessions. "Is this how you imagined things would be, when we married?" "What are your disappointments, what are your highpoints?" "What do you wish you could tell me, but you're afraid to?" We let these questions sit and rot until we're way too deathly afraid of what the answers might be, so we dare not ask them.

I also think the description of the male going off to work and drinking with his buddies and coming home and spending an hour or two with the kids, getting re-energized while the wife is left exhausted, without escape and thinks it's totally unfair... I really don't think all men should be tarnished by Mad Men's Don Draper. That's a romanticized vision of a world that many men don't come close to. Some of us are working our tails off, trying to find ways for our spouses to follow their dreams, supporting them, not belittling, really wanting them to succeed. But it's so easy to see someone else as the problem (the male spouse in this case), no matter their intentions, no matter how they actually do try and break from the Don Draper model. Sometimes we're not even allowed to be vulnerable, and vulnerability is a key to empathy.


----------



## Beach123

Tell her to go get a job. That way when the divorce goes through - you pay less spousal support.
No more school - she needs to work work work! 
she had plenty of time to cheat - she has plenty of time to work.
She wants a divorce? Then her dreams of school get scratched - because you shouldn’t have to pay her way at this juncture!


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## Casual Observer

Beach123 said:


> Tell her to go get a job. That way when the divorce goes through - you pay less spousal support.
> No more school - she needs to work work work!
> she had plenty of time to cheat - she has plenty of time to work.
> She wants a divorce? Then her dreams of school get scratched - because you shouldn’t have to pay her way at this juncture!


I think it's pretty clear OP has a sense of guilt over her having to put her life on hold while she raised a family. We don't know the full story. We usually see just one side of it here.


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## Jimi007

Casual Observer said:


> Resentment. That's what comes out really strongly here, not so much from this post as the OP's description of his wife's words and actions. And I think it's largely avoidable. I think that today, looking back on 42 years of marriage that could have been a whole lot better had I seen the value in frequent "How are we doing?" sessions. "Is this how you imagined things would be, when we married?" "What are your disappointments, what are your highpoints?" "What do you wish you could tell me, but you're afraid to?" We let these questions sit and rot until we're way too deathly afraid of what the answers might be, so we dare not ask them.
> 
> I also think the description of the male going off to work and drinking with his buddies and coming home and spending an hour or two with the kids, getting re-energized while the wife is left exhausted, without escape and thinks it's totally unfair... I really don't think all men should be tarnished by Mad Men's Don Draper. That's a romanticized vision of a world that many men don't come close to. Some of us are working our tails off, trying to find ways for our spouses to follow their dreams, supporting them, not belittling, really wanting them to succeed. But it's so easy to see someone else as the problem (the male spouse in this case), no matter their intentions, no matter how they actually do try and break from the Don Draper model. Sometimes we're not even allowed to be vulnerable, and vulnerability is a key to empathy.


My thoughts exactly 💯


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## frusdil

Casual Observer said:


> I think it's pretty clear OP has a sense of guilt over her having to put her life on hold while she raised a family. We don't know the full story. We usually see just one side of it here.


Put her life on hold? Wtf?


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## Casual Observer

frusdil said:


> Put her life on hold? Wtf?


I said that’s how he feels. Not that it actually happened. But many women do make huge sacrifices to raise a family and it’s not always recognized. Resentment can build up.


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## AVR1962

Your focus was to climb the ladder of success and support your family well thinking that your wife would be onboard and be understanding that work was such a priority in your life. You also felt your wife would be the loving understanding person that would adore you when in your off time you chose to spent your time with your buddies and doing things that you desired for yourself, afterall you deserved this....right? Basically, she is not getting your time but you expect her to be there for you and to adore you. Any relationship you have required quality time for it to flourish. I think your wife became involved in an emotional affair because you were not available to her, I think she has been very lonely for years and I am not sure you completely get this as you been so busy taking care of your own needs and thinking that providing an income for the household was all she needed. She eventually separated herself from you emotionally because her needs were not being met by you. She is now in counseling trying to put the pieces of her life back together. 

You have 3 years. If you want to save this marriage you had better do your homework and change your ways and she is preparing to leave.


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## Fly Fisher

AVR1962 said:


> Your focus was to climb the ladder of success and support your family well thinking that your wife would be onboard and be understanding that work was such a priority in your life. You also felt your wife would be the loving understanding person that would adore you when in your off time you chose to spent your time with your buddies and doing things that you desired for yourself, afterall you deserved this....right? Basically, she is not getting your time but you expect her to be there for you and to adore you. Any relationship you have required quality time for it to flourish. I think your wife became involved in an emotional affair because you were not available to her, I think she has been very lonely for years and I am not sure you completely get this as you been so busy taking care of your own needs and thinking that providing an income for the household was all she needed. She eventually separated herself from you emotionally because her needs were not being met by you. She is now in counseling trying to put the pieces of her life back together.
> 
> You have 3 years. If you want to save this marriage you had better do your homework and change your ways and she is preparing to leave.



I get that I was selfish in the beginning trust me. I have not done those things outlined in my OP in a very long time. I have also changed with helping out quite some time ago too. For example, if she makes dinner, I wash all of the dishes, pots, pans, including her dishes. When at home, I will look for things around the house that need to be done, especially things she dislikes to do and do them. I have always maintained the yard and exterior and continue to do so. these are just a couple examples off the top of my head.

A long time ago, I stopped going out and doing things with my friends like I was doing. Instead I did things with her and or the children. We never stopped doing date nights, dinner, concerts, etc. On a side note that stadium tour was a ton of fun. We have had married couple friends for a while now as opposed to the first years in our marriage. The ones where I was primarily still "hanging with my buddies" doing all kinds of outdoor stuff.

I never set any expectations on her either over the years. Meaning never once did I say things like "I expect dinner to be on the table when I get home". Nor did I ever complain about the condition of the house, not that is was ever unkempt. Obviously clutter happens with little ones. Never once have I made a negative comment about any of the things she was doing in the home. 

I just do not understand how you keep holding someone accountable for things that were addressed and worked on with a counselor. I can only apologize for the same thing so many times. I haven't harped on her over the years about the things she has done and that were also discussed in counseling.

A couple points I wanted to clarify on not that I am making excuses for the actions. The emotional affair occurred was back around 04, at that time is really when I was focused on climbing the ladder. The contacting the ex (her first) happened after we had moved far away from where we started. It happened shortly after her father passed away. And the last instance with her friend; I had all but stopped doing as it was the post marriage counseling era. That one while still cheating, didn't upset me nearly as much. Yes, I have three years, maybe less if I decide to go the other route.


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## Marc878

If you make excuses to stay you’ll find one. It won’t change anything though.


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## re16

There is no way that there is any advantage for you to stay married to her as roomates for three years.

Life is short, don't waste any of it.



Fly Fisher said:


> Heck, she recently got back from a girls only vacation.


I would be 100% shocked if there doesn't turn out to be a third party waiting in the wings.

Think of how much your net worth will increase over three years (401ks, home appreciation, salary), she will get half of all of those gains also...

Also, a common theme around TAM, is that the quickest way to get them back is let them go. She will have to face the reality of being divorced and she may attempt to put some work in... but it is a long shot.

Basically, there are only upsides to proceeding with filing when a spouse has checked out.


----------



## So far so good

When I divorced my xWW, it so happened that I was quitting my job for another one 200+ miles away. That was perfect timing. Sell the house, split the money 1/2 and 1/2 and buy a small house instead.

Accept he promotion, sell your house, start D. Don’t buy a new house with your soon to be ex wife.


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## Young at Heart

Fly Fisher said:


> ......*.this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.*
> 
> ......She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me....
> 
> .....in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. ......About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. .......Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> ......She still wears a ring *but only when out in public*.
> 
> ....She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. *She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. *....





Fly Fisher said:


> ......She went to school in person and graduated with her BA in 2013 then went into a masters program. She stopped 1 year shy of completing her masters.
> 
> Yes the three years was for the children. *She also indicated that it was also so I wouldn’t have to pay child support and that the children can stay in their current school district*. She also said that *she intends on finishing her masters at the urging of her therapist*. Her interview and MET are scheduled for next week. *She wishes to continue her counseling/psy masters then become a therapist....*





Fly Fisher said:


> I get that I was selfish in the beginning trust me. I have not done those things outlined in my OP in a very long time. I have also changed with helping out quite some time ago too.
> 
> ...... I haven't harped on her over the years about the things she has done and that were also discussed in counseling.
> 
> .......Yes, I have three years, maybe less if I decide to go the other route.


OK, let's review your situation. Your wife has a plan. A plan that she has been working on for a long time and has discussed with her therapist. She has been honest and told you her plan. In her mind the marriage is over and she has told you that in very clear terms.

She is giving herself and her children 3 years with you then she is out the door and will never look back. Again, she has a Plan! Her plan does not include you in her life.

The good news is you will not have to pay court mandated child support (you can supplement them financially however you want). The good news is that she is going back to college to finish her masters degree and work on developing a profession. That means she is planning on being more financially independent that mean less (but not zero) alimony from you. The best news is that you have 3 years time to emotionally get your act together so that when she leaves you, you will be emotionally healed and not be blind-sided and in grief. Yes, that means you can work on grieving now and over the next few years.

You need to understand that you can only reconcile if both parties want to reconcile. She has no intention. She told you to work on yourself. So, work on yourself. Heal while you have your kids and "sort of roommate/wife" around for some emotional and timing support.

I would suggest that you spend lots of time with your kids. Also spend time with a individual therapist. Develop your own plan for the future. Work with your therapist on what you want you life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. What do you want to do in retirement. Start working on YOUR PLAN for your future.

Another topic to discuss with your therapist is what should you tell your children. My advice would be that you deeply loved your wife, but that she drifted out of love with you, there were things she did (unspecific) and the two of you came to the mutual conclusion that you had irreconcilable differences and waited until everyone left the house. Emphasize that if was nothing they did, it was a problem solely between her and you.

I doubt that there is anything you can do to prevent your divorce in 3 years. Therefore, you can either accept her timetable or you can speed things up. I would advise you to make sure you put in the time to come up with your plan for your future. Hers has been being worked on probably for years. 

And yes, talk to an attorney and get his advice as there may be things, like buying a new home, accepting a promotion that will relocate you (but if the school district is important, not her or your children). Actually, such a relocation (with the exception of seeing your kids) could be a great way to work into a legally documented trial separation. You might want to even discuss first with an attorney (and then with your soon to be ex wife) how you can help her establish her own credit score for when the two of you divorce. 

Good luck. I don't think you can change her mind based on how detailed her plan is, so you might as well make the best of it. If you emotionally heal within the next few years, you will be in a great position to find a woman that values you and loves you. You will also not likely make the same mistakes you made with this marriage.


----------



## Fly Fisher

I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.

Okay to vent a bit as it helps… I really wish the mixed signals would stop, though I realize that they won’t, and I’ll have to just deal. By mixed signals I am talking about things she says about the future with me being included. Mixed signals from her best friend contacting me via text, okay, I’ll go into detail on this one. Her friend contacted me Saturday out of the blue with the following:

Her friend: Don’t give up on X, I am praying for both of you and your relationship.

Me: Thank you

Several minutes later:
Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject.

Me: That is interesting considering X has said nothing to me about our situation. I have been grieving over this for a while now and am starting to finally think and feel more clearly. I cannot force someone to love or stay with me and have been thinking it’s time to let go. I had a very direct conversation with her about us not too long ago. I don’t want specifics of your conversation, but did she mention it at all?

Her friend: No mention of a conversation, you need to do what is best for you. I would say though don’t jump the gun. I believe that her heart will change on this, don’t give up hope.

Me: I am not as optimistic about all of it as you seem to be as I have heard nothing from her despite the fact, we still have daily conversations.
Her friend: Ok, I wanted to just let you know but I have to go, have a great weekend.

I have always had a close relationship with my in laws. My FIL passed away in 07 and I have always been in regular contact with my MIL. I have confided in her over the years, (she knows all the issues between us) and decided to broach the subject and ask her advice. She said like I and your late FIL have always said “we love our daughter, but we like you more”. She said X is stubborn just like her father was. She saw him growing up get mad at me and take his rings off and threaten to leave. Of course, it was always a bluff, and he would calm down and it would be over. I told her that this feels different than that though. She said that in her opinion X is going through something and this is all a bluff. She said if she were me, she would wait X out then get her to go to couples counseling. She said in the meantime it would be good for me to go to individual counseling (which I agreed).


----------



## Thatguyoverthere744

Fly Fisher said:


> I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss. Okay to vent a bit as it helps… I really wish the mixed signals would stop, though I realize that they won’t, and I’ll have to just deal. By mixed signals I am talking about things she says about the future with me being included. Mixed signals from her best friend contacting me via text, okay, I’ll go into detail on this one. Her friend contacted me Saturday out of the blue with the following: Her friend: Don’t give up on X, I am praying for both of you and your relationship. Me: Thank you Several minutes later: Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject. Me: That is interesting considering X has said nothing to me about our situation. I have been grieving over this for a while now and am starting to finally think and feel more clearly. I cannot force someone to love or stay with me and have been thinking it’s time to let go. I had a very direct conversation with her about us not too long ago. I don’t want specifics of your conversation, but did she mention it at all? Her friend: No mention of a conversation, you need to do what is best for you. I would say though don’t jump the gun. I believe that her heart will change on this, don’t give up hope. Me: I am not as optimistic about all of it as you seem to be as I have heard nothing from her despite the fact, we still have daily conversations. Her friend: Ok, I wanted to just let you know but I have to go, have a great weekend. I have always had a close relationship with my in laws. My FIL passed away in 07 and I have always been in regular contact with my MIL. I have confided in her over the years, (she knows all the issues between us) and decided to broach the subject and ask her advice. She said like I and your late FIL have always said “we love our daughter, but we like you more”. She said X is stubborn just like her father was. She saw him growing up get mad at me and take his rings off and threaten to leave. Of course, it was always a bluff, and he would calm down and it would be over. I told her that this feels different than that though. She said that in her opinion X is going through something and this is all a bluff. She said if she were me, she would wait X out then get her to go to couples counseling. She said in the meantime it would be good for me to go to individual counseling (which I agreed).


----------



## Thatguyoverthere744

As another said, call an attorney today! In my State, the difference in filing now versus filing in a year is the first option gets you 10 years of alimony, the second gets you lifetime alimony. Don't be a chump.

Secondly, the text conversation with her friend suggests there is a third person involved. My guess is your wife has developed feelings for another person and has told her friend(s) about it.


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## AVR1962

Fly Fisher said:


> I just do not understand how you keep holding someone accountable for things that were addressed and worked on with a counselor. I can only apologize for the same thing so many times. I haven't harped on her over the years about the things she has done and that were also discussed in counseling.


She probably did not feel there was a proper resolve or perhaps the issues seemed more brushed under the rug without any definite finalization. This actually is not real uncommon in relationships. One can hold a grudge for many years over what their partner might find silly or minimal but to the person holding on to it, it means something. It is best the honestly and openly speak about these old issues without excuses or blowing up at your aife. There is a reason she has not let go. 

I recall my father-in-law looking at a picture of his wife and when he looked at the picture he said, "I always hate that hair style." I am 100% sure he never told her but he hated her hair every time he looked at her. This is an example of something that bothers the other person and the need to address it.


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## Livvie

See an attorney ASAP if you are at 19 years. There might be a trigger at 20 years in your state for lifetime spousal support. Run, don't walk and find this out.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Fly Fisher said:


> I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.
> 
> Okay to vent a bit as it helps… I really wish the mixed signals would stop, though I realize that they won’t, and I’ll have to just deal. By mixed signals I am talking about things she says about the future with me being included. Mixed signals from her best friend contacting me via text, okay, I’ll go into detail on this one. Her friend contacted me Saturday out of the blue with the following:
> 
> Her friend: Don’t give up on X, I am praying for both of you and your relationship.
> 
> Me: Thank you
> 
> Several minutes later:
> Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject.
> 
> Me: That is interesting considering X has said nothing to me about our situation. I have been grieving over this for a while now and am starting to finally think and feel more clearly. I cannot force someone to love or stay with me and have been thinking it’s time to let go. I had a very direct conversation with her about us not too long ago. I don’t want specifics of your conversation, but did she mention it at all?
> 
> Her friend: No mention of a conversation, you need to do what is best for you. I would say though don’t jump the gun. I believe that her heart will change on this, don’t give up hope.
> 
> Me: I am not as optimistic about all of it as you seem to be as I have heard nothing from her despite the fact, we still have daily conversations.
> Her friend: Ok, I wanted to just let you know but I have to go, have a great weekend.
> 
> I have always had a close relationship with my in laws. My FIL passed away in 07 and I have always been in regular contact with my MIL. I have confided in her over the years, (she knows all the issues between us) and decided to broach the subject and ask her advice. She said like I and your late FIL have always said “we love our daughter, but we like you more”. She said X is stubborn just like her father was. She saw him growing up get mad at me and take his rings off and threaten to leave. Of course, it was always a bluff, and he would calm down and it would be over. I told her that this feels different than that though. She said that in her opinion X is going through something and this is all a bluff. She said if she were me, she would wait X out then get her to go to couples counseling. She said in the meantime it would be good for me to go to individual counseling (which I agreed).


1. Stop kicking the can down the road, it’s just fear and weakness. Stop.
You need to start getting your legal and financial situation in order now. Not after the ****ing new year, now.
She’s already way ahead of you, and probably even further ahead than you think. You need to take control of the situation and you need to do it now.
2. Mixed messages = lies. You are being manipulated, don’t be a fool. She has made it perfectly clear to you that she is no longer your wife, she is not your friend and she is not on your side anymore.
Start acting accordingly.
3. As others have said, it is very plausible that there’s another man involved, whether you want to think so or not.
Don’t know for sure, but it is more often than not the case in situations like this.
Start doing some investigation and for God’s sake don’t ****ing ask her about it. If there is, she’s not going to tell you. Just start investigating quietly.


----------



## re16

Fly Fisher said:


> I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.
> 
> Okay to vent a bit as it helps… I really wish the mixed signals would stop, though I realize that they won’t, and I’ll have to just deal. By mixed signals I am talking about things she says about the future with me being included. Mixed signals from her best friend contacting me via text, okay, I’ll go into detail on this one. Her friend contacted me Saturday out of the blue with the following:
> 
> Her friend: Don’t give up on X, I am praying for both of you and your relationship.
> 
> Me: Thank you
> 
> Several minutes later:
> Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject.
> 
> Me: That is interesting considering X has said nothing to me about our situation. I have been grieving over this for a while now and am starting to finally think and feel more clearly. I cannot force someone to love or stay with me and have been thinking it’s time to let go. I had a very direct conversation with her about us not too long ago. I don’t want specifics of your conversation, but did she mention it at all?
> 
> Her friend: No mention of a conversation, you need to do what is best for you. I would say though don’t jump the gun. I believe that her heart will change on this, don’t give up hope.
> 
> Me: I am not as optimistic about all of it as you seem to be as I have heard nothing from her despite the fact, we still have daily conversations.
> Her friend: Ok, I wanted to just let you know but I have to go, have a great weekend.
> 
> I have always had a close relationship with my in laws. My FIL passed away in 07 and I have always been in regular contact with my MIL. I have confided in her over the years, (she knows all the issues between us) and decided to broach the subject and ask her advice. She said like I and your late FIL have always said “we love our daughter, but we like you more”. She said X is stubborn just like her father was. She saw him growing up get mad at me and take his rings off and threaten to leave. Of course, it was always a bluff, and he would calm down and it would be over. I told her that this feels different than that though. She said that in her opinion X is going through something and this is all a bluff. She said if she were me, she would wait X out then get her to go to couples counseling. She said in the meantime it would be good for me to go to individual counseling (which I agreed).


Seems like your plan is beginning to take shape.

I would not wait to see an attorney... you should think about the real reasons of why you are delaying & avoiding this step...

I wouldn't take what she told a mutual friend even as close to as serious as her own words. She flat out told you she is not in love with you and is planning on the marriage ending.

That is not a bluff. Especially considering that her therapist knows this plan.

Whether or not you stay living in the same house through the holidays it is an *independent decision* of you filing for divorce. Your wife ended your marriage and told you about it, and provided a timeline that is not beneficial to you at all, you just need to follow through on her plan with timing that has your best interests in mind.

I don't think you should reconcile with her, but if that is something you want at all, the quickest way to go that road is also to file. She can't just sit on the fence for three years on this kind of topic.


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## Evinrude58

Kick the can until next year. What the heck kind of plan is that?

mixed signals? No sir, she plainly told you she’s not in love with you and wants to divorce.

there’s nothing at all mixed here.

you are smoking some major Hopium

I liked the idea of riding it out so as To keep the kids at home but dating and living as roommates for a while. Don’t pay her to be with other men if you can help it, but realize she’s gone and you should be GLAD


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## Loves Coffee

@Fly Fisher I'm with others here that I think your plan on kicking the can is really not the best. I knew a guy once that had been paying that alimony for 13 years at the point we talked about it. He was crushed even though he covered it up with drinking and 3 stooges jokes. The worst part was that she kept filing to increase the alimony even after all that time and he keeps having to go to court. You would do well to heed the advice of others in this case. Even though she is telling you that it's so you don't have to pay child support or whatever, you need to protect yourself. What do you possibly have to lose by doing that? 

Think about what you can accomplish in 3 years. You could be already married and living your best life by then.


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## Evinrude58

See an attorney. I’ll bet she has, She dang sure isn’t staying with you for three years to help YOU out on child support.


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## Beach123

Her plan like this didn’t just pop up. You’ve been living with a wife who has been plotting and planning to leave you for a long long time.
Three years is to benefit HER, not you!
It’s designed so she can live off of YOUR income for the next three years while she sets up her earning potential.
three more years with her? Well you could only expect to be wasting three more years with a self centered wife who won’t be looking after YOUR needs - because she already checked out of your life a long time ago. Side note - she’s a pretty good pretender.Stay longer and expect more manipulation and for her to be taking advantage of you more.

keep an eye on every dime you earn. I also think the three years is designed for her to stash more and more of the money you’re earning - into her name only accounts.

have you moved the available money yet? Have you told her she will get a weekly allowance moving forward?


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## jlg07

At the VERY least, get with a lawyer and get an official separation document so that YOU don't get on the hook for HER debts of getting her masters, etc.. She just may have said 3 years because she needs YOU to pay for all of this until she is settled at a career based off of that BS/Masters you paid for....
I also don't see the reason for her to NOT be gone now.


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## jlg07

Fly Fisher said:


> I just do not understand how you keep holding someone accountable for things that were addressed and worked on with a counselor. I can only apologize for the same thing so many times. I haven't harped on her over the years about the things she has done and that were also discussed in counseling.


Because she is grasping to find SOME sort of reasoning as to WHY she wants to leave you so she drags up all this old stuff. If she honestly held on to this for so long, even AFTER you made those corrective changes, then she is honestly a crappy person who holds a grudge and you don't need that.

I DO think you should talk to her mother about what she is pulling (and while you are at it, tell her mother about the affairs she had during the marriage).
ETA: I see that you did talk with your MIL -- good job!


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## Mr.Married

The “friend” is nothing more than a message relay straight to your wife. She is WAY ahead of you. Don’t be so naïve.


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## Beach123

People lie in counseling sessions all the time to make sure others don’t really know the truth about them.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Fly Fisher said:


> I get that I was selfish in the beginning trust me. I have not done those things outlined in my OP in a very long time. I have also changed with helping out quite some time ago too. For example, if she makes dinner, I wash all of the dishes, pots, pans, including her dishes. When at home, I will look for things around the house that need to be done, especially things she dislikes to do and do them. I have always maintained the yard and exterior and continue to do so. these are just a couple examples off the top of my head.
> 
> A long time ago, I stopped going out and doing things with my friends like I was doing. Instead I did things with her and or the children. We never stopped doing date nights, dinner, concerts, etc. On a side note that stadium tour was a ton of fun. We have had married couple friends for a while now as opposed to the first years in our marriage. The ones where I was primarily still "hanging with my buddies" doing all kinds of outdoor stuff.
> 
> I never set any expectations on her either over the years. Meaning never once did I say things like "I expect dinner to be on the table when I get home". Nor did I ever complain about the condition of the house, not that is was ever unkempt. Obviously clutter happens with little ones. Never once have I made a negative comment about any of the things she was doing in the home.
> 
> I just do not understand how you keep holding someone accountable for things that were addressed and worked on with a counselor. I can only apologize for the same thing so many times. I haven't harped on her over the years about the things she has done and that were also discussed in counseling.
> 
> A couple points I wanted to clarify on not that I am making excuses for the actions. The emotional affair occurred was back around 04, at that time is really when I was focused on climbing the ladder. The contacting the ex (her first) happened after we had moved far away from where we started. It happened shortly after her father passed away. And the last instance with her friend; I had all but stopped doing as it was the post marriage counseling era. That one while still cheating, didn't upset me nearly as much. Yes, I have three years, maybe less if I decide to go the other route.



here is what i find interesting she is one to bring up the past indemostrating how bad of a partner you are but you don't bring up her affair as soul crushing...you are dealing with someone who wants to hold all the cards and you leave you with throwing money into a kitty with no cards in your hand...you need to tell her and remind her of her acts as killing your marriage in far more ways...and stop talking about how you sweat to make a living that was your job...tell her she better be looking for a job right now....for god sakes stop taking her crap.


----------



## So far so good

Fly Fisher said:


> Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject.


Does she mean someone new in the future, or she has someone new right now and trying to chose? Ask her friend that.


----------



## ArthurGPym

When a woman tells you she doesn't love you anymore believe her.


----------



## Marc878

Fly Fisher said:


> I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.
> 
> Okay to vent a bit as it helps… I really wish the mixed signals would stop, though I realize that they won’t, and I’ll have to just deal. By mixed signals I am talking about things she says about the future with me being included. Mixed signals from her best friend contacting me via text, okay, I’ll go into detail on this one. Her friend contacted me Saturday out of the blue with the following:
> 
> Her friend: Don’t give up on X, I am praying for both of you and your relationship.
> 
> Me: Thank you
> 
> Several minutes later:
> Her friend: I was hesitant to text you because I don’t want to betray X but we had a two-hour phone conversation today. I was telling her that it is better to repair the relationship you currently have vs. trying to build something with someone new. X seemed receptive to me saying this whereas before she didn’t want to hear it when I brought up the subject.
> 
> Me: That is interesting considering X has said nothing to me about our situation. I have been grieving over this for a while now and am starting to finally think and feel more clearly. I cannot force someone to love or stay with me and have been thinking it’s time to let go. I had a very direct conversation with her about us not too long ago. I don’t want specifics of your conversation, but did she mention it at all?
> 
> Her friend: No mention of a conversation, you need to do what is best for you. I would say though don’t jump the gun. I believe that her heart will change on this, don’t give up hope.
> 
> Me: I am not as optimistic about all of it as you seem to be as I have heard nothing from her despite the fact, we still have daily conversations.
> Her friend: Ok, I wanted to just let you know but I have to go, have a great weekend.
> 
> I have always had a close relationship with my in laws. My FIL passed away in 07 and I have always been in regular contact with my MIL. I have confided in her over the years, (she knows all the issues between us) and decided to broach the subject and ask her advice. She said like I and your late FIL have always said “we love our daughter, but we like you more”. She said X is stubborn just like her father was. She saw him growing up get mad at me and take his rings off and threaten to leave. Of course, it was always a bluff, and he would calm down and it would be over. I told her that this feels different than that though. She said that in her opinion X is going through something and this is all a bluff. She said if she were me, she would wait X out then get her to go to couples counseling. She said in the meantime it would be good for me to go to individual counseling (which I agreed).


Your wife’s friend is *your wife’s friend. *Like most in these situations she’ll be of little help except some hopium chatter.
Most people, clergy and therapists included tend to rug sweep these issues. You must stay together at all cost. That cost will be on you. Your wife has told you what you need to know. A therapist isn’t going to fix that. Marriage takes two. You can’t fix this or her. Get your ducks in a row. I promise you she is.
You’ve heard that poor muffin was forced into marriage, was forced to have kids and forced to be a stay at home mom, etc. Poor muffin had zero choice? Total Bull ****.
I know you’re in shock but I hope you wake up to reality before you get woken up. As a precaution I’d go online and check out the phone bill if you haven’t.
Right now you wife is


----------



## gr8ful1

Serve her divorce papers immediately. I’m willing to bet serious money she would pivot and promise you the moon to stop the process. She’ll also start respecting you, but only if you’re dead serious on following through with the divorce short of massive change on your wife’s part.


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## Marc878

I’ve never seen where manipulation works well. Maybe for a short period of time if at all.
A zebra can’t change its stripes.


----------



## TAMAT

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> *I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> She has always been able to go places with when she pleased. Heck, she recently got back from a girls only vacation. *


You wrote that she had a lesbian experience with a friend, sounds like this could be happening on her girls only vacation, or she had fallen in love with some woman and is patiently waiting for an easy exit from your marriage.

I suspect you only know about the cheating which can be proven or was dangerously close to being exposed.


----------



## Beach123

If she doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you - she’s is only asking you to waste three more years with someone who doesn’t give a crap about you.

make no mistake - the extra three loveless tears is ONLY to benefit her so she can use you even further.

just don’t do it even one more day.


----------



## Marc878

Fly Fisher said:


> I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. *My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney. *
> 
> I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.
> 
> individual counseling (which I agreed).


You are making excuses to do nothing. Kicking the can down the road hoping it all goes away.
A counselor isn’t going to fix this for you.
See an attorney now. Knowledge is power. She is way ahead of you while you stand around flatfooted doing nothing.
Cut off contact and stop gobbling up her breadcrumbs. Go out with friends, family, kids and exclude her. Shes already gone anyway. Let her go.
Don’t lie to your kids either. They aren’t stupid. Keeping them in the dark just creates anxiety. They can deal with a known much better than an unknown
She’s told you her plans. Now get your ducks in a row.
This is now a business decision. Is this how you’d run your business? Finances matter.
3 years is a big chunk of life you’ll never get back.

Or lay in the victim chair and let your wife decide your fate.


----------



## gameopoly5

Fly Fisher said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.
> 
> I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.
> 
> I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
> The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.
> 
> The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.
> 
> The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
> A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.
> 
> She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.
> 
> Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.
> 
> Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.
> 
> I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.
> 
> I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.


Wives rarely leave a marriage to be worse off, most will already have a plan B, mainly another guy or even a woman.
You mentioned your wife had cheated on you in the past and if I were you I`d ignore all her aggressive responses, which is a form of deflection and her excuses, such as bringing up what she considers are your bad traits and not your good traits, which is another form of deflection including the gaslighting given a semblance that you are the bad guy, it`s all your fault. Again typical with wives that want out of a marriage.
Some women are masters at the game of deception. My advice is, see a lawyer without your wife`s knowledge for advice and discretely begin scrutinising your wife`s activities, online, cell phone, where she goes and who with and obtain as much evidence as possible. Even consider hiring a PI if you can afford one. She has already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, nothing will change regardless what you do when women are concerned.
I wager your wife is already preparing her way forward and will leave the moment everything is arranged for her.
If not careful she`ll do it on you without empathy or compassion, you can consider her already gone.
Don`t leave it too late, take action now.


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## Workathome

She was 19 and you were 29 when you married. That's a huge difference in maturity level, yet you were the one who was off hanging out with friends while she was home taking all the responsibility. 

How old was she when you started dating her? Are your controlling? Why would a 29 year old want to date a teenager?


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## Marc878

gameopoly5 said:


> Wives rarely leave a marriage to be worse off, most will already have a plan B, mainly another guy or even a woman.
> You mentioned your wife had cheated on you in the past and if I were you I`d ignore all her aggressive responses, which is a form of deflection and her excuses, such as bringing up what she considers are your bad traits and not your good traits, which is another form of deflection including the gaslighting given a semblance that you are the bad guy, it`s all your fault. Again typical with wives that want out of a marriage.
> Some women are masters at the game of deception. My advice is, see a lawyer without your wife`s knowledge for advice and discretely begin scrutinising your wife`s activities, online, cell phone, where she goes and who with and obtain as much evidence as possible. Even consider hiring a PI if you can afford one. She has already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, nothing will change regardless what you do when women are concerned.
> I wager your wife is already preparing her way forward and will leave the moment everything is arranged for her.
> If not careful she`ll do it on you without empathy or compassion, you can consider her already gone.
> Don`t leave it too late, take action now.


Blame shifting is a preferred method from what I’ve see. Google the term for more info.


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## Marc878

Workathome said:


> She was 19 and you were 29 when you married. That's a huge difference in maturity level, yet you were the one who was off hanging out with friends while she was home taking all the responsibility.
> 
> How old was she when you started dating her? Are your controlling? Why would a 29 year old want to date a teenager?


She had a choice. Marriage, kids, etc weren’t forced onto her. 
From your perspective it seems you want this to be all on him. 
Is it because you are in an unhappy relationship?


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## Beach123

Any update Fly?


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## SunCMars

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.
> 
> Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.
> 
> What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time *every single day* when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.
> 
> When did your wife ever get to experience *that* taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids *before* leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door *FREE* like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She *DIDN'T*. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.
> 
> Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him _more_ time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.
> 
> Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.
> 
> *OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.*





> @She'sStillGotIt
> *OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.*


Now, I know what makes you tick, why your keyboard fingers, strike, slam and .twitch!

TAM, is your volcano's vent.

_May peace, at last find you, find me._


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## Rob_1

I just can't understand today's men. They just sit there wondering what to do like a 16 years old that have no life experience. 

Regardless of whose at fault, my wife tells me today I want a divorce in three years, my answer immediately would be..NO, I'm giving you a divorce right now.


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## DLC

Easy. Think about this way.

today, you walk into Your boss’s office and say, “I want out, and I want out 3 years later.” What would your boss do?

I imagine, he or she will train your replacement, stop investing in you, work you till you pass out, stop giving you anything that will benefit you or help you grow as a person and an employee. You no longer have a future in the company, you are just a disposable asset that have a limited shelf life. 

I imagine the same thing will happen for a pending 3 years divorce.


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