# my depression progress



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

I had been feeling depressed for so longthat I was (am a shell of a man). My wife gave up on me since she tought I would never change and I dont blame her. I had no drive, motivation, always down, gambled, gained weight, drank, an not available to my wife or self. I had tried to change before but never really understood how deep the pain in my heart was.
I told my wife crying that I would change and she said she wouldn't believe me. I told that I would and that I would not return till I did and that I would see what happens then. She filled for divorce and we are not talking at all.

In the beginning I was so hurt (this has been 5 months ago so it's not like it's been that long) and I quickly began to change my habits. but I felt too rushed like I was doing too much to soon and was just trying to win her back. Truth is I love her very much and I realized that because I do love her I cannot give half an effort.

SO my first step was easy, enroll in school and stay busy. stop drinking (I am not an alcoholic but I know it would be best to focus on the positive). . also everytime I see a homeless person/or someone in need I reach out to help if I'm able to. This makes me feel good to help humanity. She was still on my mind everyday so I began to write Then I began to mail those letters to myself. I put them in abox. Somehow I feel good going to the post office. I feel like it gives me structure. I write my love, my pain, my progress, I write everything, I draw, I write songs, poems, what ever I feel. I then stopped gambling (this might be an addiction not sure so in order to move on and stop I will say YES IT IS AN ADDICTION OF MINE SO I CAN NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN). One day I looked at the lines for a game and I felt so disgusted so low so miserable. I felt dirt and cheap and that day I stopped. (it's been only two months but I feel good about leaving it.

I recently got a second job on the weekends (well im going through the process but I'm hired) this will help me pay bills and start to save me some money.

everyday I self analyze and I'm honest with my feelings. and I realized within a month that my weight gain is caused by my depression. I never thought about it but I get comfort from eating and then I feel bad later. I have not been able to quit this yet since I am barely accepting it and I'm trying to slowly change my eating habits. From maybe mcdonalds, jack in the box etc to subway, or getting salads and then progress to making my own food. I'm just always tired so I guess the mental stress and school/work schedule is alot but there is always time I just have to stay focused. 

Another thing I have to start doing is exercising more. I do not get enough of this and I want to start. I do have time today so I'll go actually, within an hour of writting this.

I distanced myself from friends because they do not trully understand my pain. they tell me to date, and invite me out, they are also mutual frinds with my wife so i feel uncomfortable with them going to me one week and to her house another etc. One day (because I learned she is not but) she will eventually start dating and then what my friends are gonna have a beer with the new guy? 

So dating , no way I accept my deppresion and wouldn't want to add to my complications. Plus I love my wife It would be disrespectful to me to drown my emotions when my heart is still hers. going out well, maybe to a movie or show but not to mingle or mask my progress with beer. 

so after doing all these changes, she's still on my mind. yes of course because she is beautiful inside and out. I love her so much I miss her and want to see her smile. and I believe in marriage. I am ashamed that we are divorcing but I understand her. she feels I'm gone forever.

So I am now ready for the next step. a therapist. I have realized so much by myself but to get to the next step I have to tap into the most difficult challenge, my pain. I have talked to a therapist and we tapped into something that may be the cause. My mother died 3 years ago but I honestly know that I was already not myself so that is not it. 

I believe it is my mother in law's death that began. She suffered from diabetes and my wife was so sad. I couldn't make her smile like I loved to do. I saw that beautiful woman from being a positive high energy ray of light. to in a wheelchair and blind and that ****ed with me. her spirit was always high even then, but I guess I have so much love for my wife that I felt her pain I felt her sadness and it has never left me. and little by little other things start pilling on and when you least expect it, your not yourself anymore. 

I myself do not know if this is the start but I know that what ever it is, we must have tapped into it because I felt I love for myself for the first time in years. I feel at ease and I hope that this is the start of my healing. I cannot bring my mother in law back so I have to let it go. I love my wife so much but I can't do that  I will not be able to bring my mother back but I love her. I may not be able to bring my wife back, but I love her. But I CAN BRING ME BACK. I'LL STAY FOCUSED EVERYDAY, EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE LIKE I PROMISED MYSELF. 

I need alot more work and my journey begind digging in and letting my pain go. and in time i'll always have the smile I had yesterday. that's my goal.

so to anyone out there. that feels alone like me. that you feel you can't come back. just know it takes work and dedication and honesty. no i am not fixed but I am mending. Write about your problems, about your love, what makes you happy, what started your sadness and come back, come back to who you are. Start doing things you like and one day before you know it you'll realize wow I was sleep walking but your awake now. 

GOD please take care of my beautiful princess and when that day comes please let her believe in me, let her remember our love and let her know I am faithful, honest, and dedicated to her. 

hope any of this helps all of you. I'm a kid at heart so I'll leave you with this joke that I thought of

what do you get when you cross a cold day and a dog?
A chilly dog.  always smile. I love you all and pray for you


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

I have changed my behavior and accepted my mistakes, but I know that they are just the begining of what I must do. I must dig deep and deal with the real problem, my self worth. I like myself now but I don't love myself. Not yet, it's been to long so I want to do everything right. I want to be the best I can be before contacting her.
If I reached out to her now it would only be selfish because Im not there yet, not where I want to be. I need to give her space and let her anger leave as well. It might drive her away but I love her to much to return to her while i'm not 100%. She's to beautiful for me to give her half a husband. To trully be happy both should have selfworth.
I'm learning alot from this. I love her more than myself right now and that's not healthy.
In the beginning I felt that once I love myself more than her I would be fixed.
now I see the truth, in a strong loving relationship love should exist equally within each person. Sausagestreet(lol, nice name btw) I have changed my behavior and am growing as a person everyday and I know I need more. I want to be fixed not just in the progress, she won't believe me then. I want to pay off my bills and save money. finish school, etc. So in my heart if she says no, i'll know I did everything I could. for better or worse sickness and in health.
I've put her through alot I think it's time for her happiness either with me (fixed) or without me (still fixed


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Glad to hear you are doing better. Just don't take on too much and find yourself overwhelmed. 

Good luck on your journey.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

yes. In the beginning I was rushing everything just to win her back. Then I realized that that's part of the problem. I need to take time and deal with myself from all angles.


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