# Is there a such thing as unfixable marriage sex?!!!



## LucyLu (Jun 28, 2010)

I don't want to write a novel but I do want to express my point and get some helpful advice. When my husband and I married the sex was decent and every now and then pretty good. But I did not marry him for the sex, I married him because he has some great qualities that I had never found in a man. He wasn't perfect but he had ALOT of the things that I wanted and hadnt yet found AND we could talk for hours and had good chemistry. 

Note that I am normally an extremely sexual person. I love sex and everything about it. I feel that if you can't bond any other way, sex is supposed to be one of those areas. Well some time passed and we started having sex less often, which sucked but then he started to prematurely ejaculate on a regular basis. So now we went from decent sex to sex that never ever gets me to the point because he couldn't stay hard long enough. He tried exersizes and nothing worked. The only way I could cum is if I assisted myself while having sex but then what's the point cause I can do that as a single person... Then sometimes he couldnt keep an erection. Now he is totally attracted to me and tells me ALL the time. I told him that we needed to introduce toys because he and I both knew that I wasnt being satisfied with regular sex and it got to a point that I wasnt touching him affectionately or nothing because I knew where it would lead. I have never shed tears over anything else in this marriage besides our sex life. Its like I wish that I could just not have sex cause I dont like doing it with him. after like a month, I"ll say we need to have sex but that's just cause its been so long and I cant in good conscience have sex with someone else. I forgot to mention that my husband isnt really into anything other than actual sex and me giving him head. He's not good and non coachable in giving me head. He says that he's scared to try a whole lot of new things because if I like something, I'll want him to do it all the time. Well that's because his "peter" doesnt do it for me at all. When we use toys, its soooo mechanical, so boring cause I know he doesnt like it. He just wants to have normal sex and I know it and it turns me off. He's not into anal, head, fingering or anything like it. He says he'll do it but he doesn't like it. And that turns me off cause in something like sex, unless your enjoying yourself your not gonna be a very good sex partner. Anyone else go through this at all or have some advice. Its like I wish I could literally cut out the sexual side of me cause there is no point in it besides procreation. I love him and he loves me but I feel like our sex life can go nowhere and Im doomed for the rest of my life. I dont believe in divorce. What do I do??? Our sex life makes me depressed cause I feel like im in between a rock and a hard place.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

has he been to the doctor for his problems?

and another thing, my ex bf, had a premie splooging problem but, he could have multiple orgasms if he kept going. has he tried to keep going, or does he just give up afterwards?


honestly if he's having trouble keeping it hard I would guess there's a blood circulation problem, that can be fixed, he just needs a doctor. 

On the sex thing, (this is might be too much information)

what does he strive for in bed? is he trying to get his, or give you yours?

this is extremely important, I've found. I always hated sex with my ex and not just because he was hung like a tic tac. He was out for him.

I am the opposite, I am quite submissive in sexual nature as far as my own needs, my main concern and what really gets me going is pleasing my partner, there is nothing more satisfying to me that watching his eyes roll back into his head, my husband is the same way. 

there are days when we don't leave the bed, we both get our highs watching eachother get their high.

I have a kind of suggestion..

invest in a blind fold. tell him its something you want to try, and make it all about him. Not being able to see whats happening heightens all the other senses, every touch is no longer anticipated, its a surprise, he won't know whats coming and it makes it more exciting and mysterious to him.

if its not a medical issues, maybe despite what he thinks he likes whats happening is that novelty has worn off, when you guys have sex, he knows how its going to go, whats going to happen and its not "new" any more, that risky dangerous feeling you get, that rush from the first encounter with a person is gone and your sex life gets stagnant.

I'm thinking maybe sparking the mystery and excitment may help open his eyes even if he is blind folded, and it will give you free range to do whatever you want to please yourself too.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

"and not just because he was hung like a tic-tac...."

:rofl:------------too much:rofl:-------i cant breathe!---:rofl:


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## hubbyhere (Jun 22, 2010)

LucyLu said:


> I don't want to write a novel but I do want to express my point and get some helpful advice. When my husband and I married the sex was decent and every now and then pretty good. But I did not marry him for the sex, I married him because he has some great qualities that I had never found in a man. He wasn't perfect but he had ALOT of the things that I wanted and hadnt yet found AND we could talk for hours and had good chemistry.
> 
> Note that I am normally an extremely sexual person. I love sex and everything about it. I feel that if you can't bond any other way, sex is supposed to be one of those areas. Well some time passed and we started having sex less often, which sucked but then he started to prematurely ejaculate on a regular basis. So now we went from decent sex to sex that never ever gets me to the point because he couldn't stay hard long enough. He tried exersizes and nothing worked. The only way I could cum is if I assisted myself while having sex but then what's the point cause I can do that as a single person... Then sometimes he couldnt keep an erection. Now he is totally attracted to me and tells me ALL the time. I told him that we needed to introduce toys because he and I both knew that I wasnt being satisfied with regular sex and it got to a point that I wasnt touching him affectionately or nothing because I knew where it would lead. I have never shed tears over anything else in this marriage besides our sex life. Its like I wish that I could just not have sex cause I dont like doing it with him. after like a month, I"ll say we need to have sex but that's just cause its been so long and I cant in good conscience have sex with someone else. I forgot to mention that my husband isnt really into anything other than actual sex and me giving him head. He's not good and non coachable in giving me head. He says that he's scared to try a whole lot of new things because if I like something, I'll want him to do it all the time. Well that's because his "peter" doesnt do it for me at all. When we use toys, its soooo mechanical, so boring cause I know he doesnt like it. He just wants to have normal sex and I know it and it turns me off. He's not into anal, head, fingering or anything like it. He says he'll do it but he doesn't like it. And that turns me off cause in something like sex, unless your enjoying yourself your not gonna be a very good sex partner. Anyone else go through this at all or have some advice. Its like I wish I could literally cut out the sexual side of me cause there is no point in it besides procreation. I love him and he loves me but I feel like our sex life can go nowhere and Im doomed for the rest of my life. I dont believe in divorce. What do I do??? Our sex life makes me depressed cause I feel like im in between a rock and a hard place.


Well I completely understand where you are coming from. My situation is the same except that I am the one with a high sex drive and the want and willingness to do just about anything, yet my wife is like your hubby and just likes regular ole boring sex. I haven't found a way to fix it yet, but still trying.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LucyLu said:


> Its like I wish I could literally cut out the sexual side of me cause there is no point in it besides procreation. I love him and he loves me but I feel like our sex life can go nowhere and Im doomed for the rest of my life.


This is basically where I am at. I am accepting that my sex life is obsolete. My H is great in a lot of other ways so at this point i think its something i can accept (of course tomorrow i will probably change my mind). 

here's what i have done to curb my need for sex: 

-i do not dress sexy. i dont even wear makeup. If you dont feel sexy you will have less desire for sex.

-i eat/drink a lot of soy products. they're rumored to lower your sex drive.

-taking a licorice supplement. there are some controversial side effects to licorice supplements, though, so read the label.

-stay extremely busy. im way too tired to want sex.

-dont touch him or let him touch you. 

-dont watch any romance or sex scenes, at all. i dont watch tv at all. i dont watch any romance or sex movies. i dont see provocative things. it helps immensely. 

-put on a little weight. 

This approach is lowering my sex drive. As far as it working in the big picture, meaning not getting divorced, that has yet to be determined.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Blanca said:


> This is basically where I am at. I am accepting that my sex life is obsolete. My H is great in a lot of other ways so at this point i think its something i can accept (of course tomorrow i will probably change my mind).
> 
> here's what i have done to curb my need for sex:
> 
> ...


yup, similar for me

-fishing, golfing, self fulfillment, internet (not porn), sports on TV

it is becoming so much less stressful when i can cut down on the lust for my wife. i still want sex, but since she doesnt seem to than the hobbies keep my mind elsewhere


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Well my advice is go on the journey together not apart. Talk about it, what makes each other hot, toys, whatever.......

As far as touching yourself during sex......you must be in the minority because many woman do not orgasm well with 100% vaginal stimulation.

My wife hates "doggystyle" always at the bottom of our "What's the favorite list"...........

Try to make it fun..........most guys love watching their wife touch themselves, so to say "What's the point" I don't understand that.

Good luck!!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Blanca said:


> This is basically where I am at. I am accepting that my sex life is obsolete. My H is great in a lot of other ways so at this point i think its something i can accept (of course tomorrow i will probably change my mind).
> 
> here's what i have done to curb my need for sex:
> 
> ...


That is sad :-(


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

^ I agree. It's horrible that you are turning yourself into someone that you are not, in order to deal with the relationship. How are you going to feel about yourself years from now when you realize what you've done to yourself?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AmorousWarrior said:


> ^ I agree. It's horrible that you are turning yourself into someone that you are not, in order to deal with the relationship. How are you going to feel about yourself years from now when you realize what you've done to yourself?


Ive debated back and forth on the concept of turning myself into something im not. but why is it something im not? If i am choosing to do this then it is who i am. I cannot possibly do something that is not of myself. But i can do something to make myself not at peace with my life. By the nature of who i am this cannot be a permanent solution to my marriage. its a temporary one. Things cannot stay this way- and i dont think they will. 

the funny thing is no one thinks the lesser to ask the man to curb his sexual appetite. its just accepted that a man probably will have to- or find other outlets. Ive asked my H to change the direction of his sex drive. i dont see my sacrifice as any different. I see it as both of us working our way towards a balanced sex life.


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

blanca is breaking my heart. blanca, i'm gonna have to read your thread. that's not fair, what you're doing to yourself.

lucy, other posters have explored the physical aspect: if it's a strictly physical issue, get him some darn cialis already.

i'm concerned about his ATTITUDE. is he selfish, and maybe no one's ever taught him otherwise? or is he nervous, or what? elaborate for us on his state of mind.

and define "non-coachable". have you played the parrot game? where you lick the palm of his hand the way you want him to lick you? EVERYONE can do this. if he won't, he's being deliberately uncoachable. which is why i wonder if he's fundamentally selfish, or if he's nervous about sex and unable to relax and enjoy you. 

what's his background like? his quote re "let's just have normal sex" and the fact that he's afraid to please you because "then you'll want it all the time" make me edgy about how he views sex, or how he views women.

if he's from a fire-and-brimstone christian background, read out loud to him from the Song of Solomon. that's some sexy God-approved s*** right there. kama sutra's good too.

again, what's his background like? did he have much sexual experience before you? are his parents uptight? did he have bad experiences w/ nympho ex-girlfriends? =)

i'm trying to determine whether his problem is primarily ignorance, fear, guilt, or general jerkiness.

blanca, i've got to read your stuff, but lucy, all respect due, but please don't listen to blanca. BOTH of you deserve to have fantastic sex within the context of marriage, and there's only so long you can turn off or tone down your sex drive. post back w/ clarification, i've got some ideas.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LadyOfTheHouse said:


> blanca, i've got to read your stuff, but lucy, all respect due, but please don't listen to blanca. BOTH of you deserve to have fantastic sex within the context of marriage, and there's only so long you can turn off or tone down your sex drive. post back w/ clarification, i've got some ideas.


its very common to see someone suggest ways the OP can quite literally bend over backwards to get sex. i see it every time. try this, try that, do this, buy that. ive gone down that isle years ago and it sounds like the OP has already, too. if you have a solution that does not involve her continually coercing, manipulating, and/or otherwise forcing him to have sex with her then that would be new and something to listen to.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Blanca said:


> its very common to see someone suggest ways the OP can quite literally bend over backwards to get sex. i see it every time. try this, try that, do this, buy that. ive gone down that isle years ago and it sounds like the OP has already, too. if you have a solution that does not involve her continually coercing, manipulating, and/or otherwise forcing him to have sex with her then that would be new and something to listen to.


yeah, no kidding. am i supposed to suck my wifes fingers to coach her? :rofl:


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

Blanca said:


> if you have a solution that does not involve her continually coercing, manipulating, and/or otherwise forcing him to have sex with her then that would be new and something to listen to.


there's no room in a happy marriage for manipulation and coercion. but you RECOGNIZE already that your "solutions" (take supplemets that allegedly lower sex drive, gain weight, avoid touching H or letting him touch you) aren't sustainable. and they sound COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. 

HOW WOULD BECOMING DELIBERATELY LESS ATTRACTIVE AND LESS AFFECTIONATE GET YOU MORE SEX AND MORE AFFECTION?? 

if by "manipulating", you mean going out of your way to make yourself appealing to your husband, being affectionate, touching him in a way he likes and that has ellicited a sexual response from him in the past, and basically creating circumstances in which he feels good about being sexually expressive...then, YES, some "manipulation" is in order. 

and if by "coercing" you mean INITIATING, then yes, three cheers for coercion. it's physically improbable to "coerce" a man into having sex. 

if you're engaged in a sexual moratorium, waiting each other out, why not take the first step towards breaking this miserable passive-aggressive cycle?

blanca, have you TALKED to him and told him how much you miss his love, and that you feel lonely and deprived and that you've practically given up on ever feeling satisfied w/ him?


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> yeah, no kidding. am i supposed to suck my wifes fingers to coach her? :rofl:


it depends--is your primary problem that she gives lousy head and wants to learn how to please you? 

or is your problem more like she's withholding sex altogether, to the point that you've given up on intimacy w/ her and you're trying to take your mind off the problem by staying compulsively busy w/ other stuff...fishing, golf, etc.?

maybe spend that time w/ your wife instead. show her you value her and enjoy her company. don't let your frustration make you avoid her. i'm gonna read your thread if you've got one. 

you and blanca are both depriving your spouses of the opportunity to get closer to you. you're deliberately withdrawing from them, schooling yourself to depend on them less, need them less. that's a terrible dynamic and one that leads good people into affairs. stay well, sir. i'll be in touch.


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## neednhelp (Jul 15, 2010)

I also am chiming in on this front as i am in the same sexless situation, yet there are differences with my situation. Issues with my daughter being sexually abused years ago and now my wife having a hysterectomy at a young age (7 weeks ago).
I have tried to discuss the utter loneliness of not physically touching the one you love(we have sex maybe 4 times a year), i also have tried everything, always doing the majority of chores, the only one working, writing little notes, handpicked wildflowers, everything i can think of. Now i wait and hope that when she is healed and ready we can start our sexual life over again and i can feel that human contact i am so so desperatly needing.
I was told some wise advice and that is to love your spouse, no matter what, and that is what i do, talking won't work, and advancements won't work, so i can only hope that she will come to realize that marriage means 1 flesh and that by depriving me of this basic human need inturn hurts me so deeply.


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

LucyLu-
Try having him see a doctor like a few others have suggested, taking some supplements or eating certain foods can help him to lower his sex drive- goal being for both of you to be on the same level. My perspective is avoiding a problem never makes it go away, it makes it linger and both of you will only have built up resentment towards one another which will not be good in the long run. Check out happyher's website, there's some desensitizing creams you can get to help him last longer- after going to the doc for a full check up of course, but you both should keep practicing to make it better. Sometimes every relationship has time periods when sex isn't so great, but it's something that needs to be worked out so you can flourish together, it's only natural. Ignoring sex could really be disastrous, he could look for another outlet, i.e. porn, another person, etc. and I'm sure neither of you want that. I'm with you on not believing in divorce, but sex with your spouse is important and I would say necessary to any good marriage, it's a part of being human and you should want to work it out and not ignore it. I know that I wouldn't be so happy not having sex or making love with my husband at all, and I could only imagine how he would feel. I think it's something you should want to experience and share with your spouse, sometimes it may be hard, but it sounds like something needs to change. I obviously don't know what that is, but I hope you can figure it out for the sake of you and your husband being happy in your marriage together.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

May be that you're going too long between sex occurrences. The longer between, the more buildup. Men ejaculate alot faster when it has been a few weeks between sex. If it has only been a few days, it takes them longer to ejaculate, thus causing their erection to last longer. He needs to learn to touch you and do lots of foreplay or you will continue to be left angry and unsatisfied. The more this happens for you, the more you will resent sex. Then you will find yourself finding any reason to stay up much later than him, so as to avoid his unsatisfying touch.


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## togetherinlove (Sep 1, 2010)

wow this sounds all too familiar....my hubby would rather get off alone by himself because he is not happy with sex.I dont understand it at all either


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

LucyLu,
Please forgive me, but I think you both are suffering from "I" trouble.
You are focusing primarily on your pleasure and he is focusing primarily on his. Hang with me on this....If you approached sex with the idea of pleasing him, you wouldn't be as resentful if you didn't get off in the typical manner. If he approached sex as a way to give you pleasure, he'd be eager to use mouth, fingers, toys, and he'd eagerly respond to your coaching. If he's only doing it once a month, he's going to ejaculate quickly (the first time). Next time, give him about 30 minutes and go for it again. He'll probably last a long longer. Next time he goes south, tell him how great he is at it (even if he isn't). If he thinks he's driving you crazy, he'll be eager to do it all the time. Once he gets some confidence, you can guide him a little till you get what you want. You said yourself that sex used to be better with him, so he's capable. You also said you found wonderful qualities in him that you couldn't find in other men. Most any man could get you off. Very few would make you a decent husband. If you can use a little patience and help this guy through his issues, you'll have a great guy and great sex, too.


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