# Trying to show more affection...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, I've been thinking about this a while, so much I got distracted yesterday and got a ticket for running a stop sign...

After my affair, I was stuck in the fog for several months, and going through withdrawls, the whole [email protected] Remorse was hard for me at the beginning, I justified everything I did for a long time. Although I became immediately transparent in every aspect, the one thing I've struggled with, and continue to so is making MORE effort in my marriage to show my husband that I love him and care very much about him. I'm not really an affectionate person, not with friends, not with family (except my kids) I have never been overly affectionate with him outside of the bedroom. And he isn't normally either.

So, the other night we head over to a couple friend's house for a dinner party, several times I went over to him and just kissed him, and then sat on his lap (something I never do), just some small gestures. He didn't recipricate much, but didn't push me away either. I sucked it up and decided I'll keep doing it even if it's not something I never did, I really want to change this about me. So at the end of the evening, kids in bed, he says "thanks for being nice to me". My heart just broke, yeah, I have been a real [email protected] to him. 

I guess for me it's difficult being vulnerable with him, or maybe it's the pride thing, I don't really know. I know I'm capable of showing such devotion to my children, the way I smother them with kisses, cuddle while watching tv. the way I rub my daughter's back every night before bed, and the way I love rubbing my kids bellies because they're so darn cute. It comes so natural with them, I expose myself so freely. I know it's the unconditional love that they have for me, but shouldn't spouses have that for each other?

Ok, so what other small gestures can I do for him, I try to rub his back more often as he loves this, but I don't want it to seem like a sexual advance, just pure love, ya know?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I actually made this a condition for my WW for our R

she was never very good at non sexual affection

I still get weekly back scratches which is nice

also-hand holding, having him lay his head in your lap as you stroke his hair, playful pinches or butt smacks, winks or blowing kisses when he is across the room, foot massages


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

First thing in the morning... big hug and "good morning"

Get home for the day... big hug and "i'm glad to see you" or "I missed you today".

When you walk by him in a hallway or room, lightly touch his stomach or shoulder as you pass.

Smile at him before responding to a question. Look at him when he talks. 

Turn off the tv and talk. Ask him how his day went. Ask him how he slept last night.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Is it starting to feel natural with him? is affection/touch his primary LL? if so continue doing it... if my wife would start showing these types of gestures I would feel a lot better about R....the fact that you are trying and continue to look for more ways to show him you love him, speaks volumes about you!!!

I have followed your posts since day 1 and I can say 'you've got balls lady" you took the heat in here, owned your **** and seem to be on your way to a better you....


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I went over to him and just kissed him, and then sat on his lap (something I never do), just some small gestures. He didn't recipricate much, but didn't push me away either.


This is all good, but you have to understand that he's _still_ getting over the betrayal. He doesn't know if its sincere, or you're just playing-up to him. Given time, he'll start reciprocating those affections. His wounds have to heal first.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What? No soft, lingerin lip locking? :scratchhead:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> This is all good, but you have to understand that he's _still_ getting over the betrayal. He doesn't know if its sincere, or you're just playing-up to him. Given time, he'll start reciprocating those affections. His wounds have to heal first.


This is so true, he's still getting over the betrayal, and I know he's questioning my sincerity. The other night while rubbing his back which led to other things...after everything, he said for a split second he felt as though it was fake (the back rub)....ouch.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> What? No soft, lingerin lip locking? :scratchhead:


lol, I guess I'll mix in some of that as well.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Is it starting to feel natural with him? is affection/touch his primary LL? if so continue doing it... if my wife would start showing these types of gestures I would feel a lot better about R....the fact that you are trying and continue to look for more ways to show him you love him, speaks volumes about you!!!
> 
> I have followed your posts since day 1 and I can say 'you've got balls lady" you took the heat in here, owned your **** and seem to be on your way to a better you....


Thanks, but there has always been a lot of support here, I felt like I needed a little "beating" for what I did, so yeah, I took it. 

I learned to take a lot of [email protected] from a previous job I had with child welfare, you'd be amazed at what these parents called me, and in the end they also respected me, and one time saw one on the street, I tried to hide, but then she yelled out "hey L. how ya doing", I almost hit the floor. Job freaked me out though, way too stressful.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

All these ideas sound great.

I can't do the foot rubs though, I hate feet. lol


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Even if it doesn't feel natural you know what they say "fake it till you make it"

Seriously though, do you know what you H's love language is?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

This is a refreshing thread. 

Words work too. 

I love you 
Your sexy
Hey there handsome
You stud 

etc


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

This has somewhat been a problem during my R with my WS. I feel like she has to show me that she's worth me giving her another chance...and a way to do that is to show me love and affection. But on her end, it's hard for her because she "know's how I feel about her" (feel about the affair) and that she's disgusted w/ herself for what she's done. So it makes her hard to act that way

But I feel like her showing me love and affection would greatly help me get through this...I need to feel that she still loves me. On the other hand I can see why it would be hard for her (I have been affectionate towards her during our R, I kiss her, hold her, we've had sex)


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Even if it doesn't feel natural you know what they say "fake it till you make it"
> 
> Seriously though, do you know what you H's love language is?


I think my husband's love language falls into two categories:

acts of service and physical touch

These are not mine, so I wonder if that's the reason I have difficulty understanding his needs.

For instance, in terms of "acts of service", my hubby really likes and appreciates when I go into one of my cleaning frenzies, it's like it actually turns him on lol. The cooking and the cleaning stuff seems to send him over the top of being happy. I know this, and have known this for a long time, but we just have different standards of what neat and tidy is (not that I'm a slob). He hates to see dishes in the sink, for me it's not a big deal, but I make sure that when he comes home after work, the sink is empty (new for me).

Physical touch makes more sense to me even though it's not really my love language (mine is affirmation). We relate physical touch with sex way too much, and I'm now trying to change this a bit on my side.

work in progress


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> I think my husband's love language falls into two categories:
> 
> acts of service and physical touch
> 
> ...


If touch is his primary love language then touching him when you KNOW there can't be any sex is what you need to do as well. Touch is my LL as well while my wife is not a touchy feely person at all. Yet, we are always holding hands, when I'm driving she puts her hand on my leg, when I'm doing something on the computer she comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. These are all things she had to start forcing herself to do years ago when she realized it meant a lot to me. Now she initiates it without even thinking about it. Like I said, fake it till you make it.

If he likes it when you clean but you have different views of what clean is what about if you do it playfully. Have you tried wearing a maid's outfit? Or walking around with a feather duster and nonchalantly and suggestively "dusting?" Anything to avoid the possibility of tension would be good while still completing the act of service.

Acts of service is my wife's thing too. Consequently she is always bringing me a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. She also takes up my dinner for me sometimes even though I never ask and am fully capable of doing it. She even made sure to know exactly how I like my food so that she can make it as perfect for me as she can.

For example, I like my steak rare and she likes hers well done. She'll make sure to take mine out earlier so I'll be happy. She knows what kind of dressing I like and will make sure it's already on my salad. She knows I do my own laundry but once in a while I'll come home and find my laundry already done, folded and put away.

When she does these things I know that is her way of communicating her love for me and I appreciate it more because I know that. I NEVER ask for any of this and certainly never criticize her for not doing it. She does it because it makes her feel good and even though I tend to be self sufficient I have learned to accept these things in the spirit in which they are given.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> If touch is his primary love language then touching him when you KNOW there can't be any sex is what you need to do as well. Touch is my LL as well while my wife is not a touchy feely person at all. Yet, we are always holding hands, when I'm driving she puts her hand on my leg, when I'm doing something on the computer she comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. These are all things she had to start forcing herself to do years ago when she realized it meant a lot to me. Now she initiates it without even thinking about it. Like I said, fake it till you make it.
> 
> If he likes it when you clean but you have different views of what clean is what about if you do it playfully. Have you tried wearing a maid's outfit? Or walking around with a feather duster and nonchalantly and suggestively "dusting?" Anything to avoid the possibility of tension would be good while still completing the act of service.
> 
> ...


Your wife sounds like she's an amazing woman, she knows you like even small details like salad dressing.

You've given me something to work for.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Yesterday, I stopped by his office for a quick coffee break and we got talking about food. There's one particular dish he loves that I haven't made in a long time. Time consuming when made from scratch and neither of us has had time for elaborate dinners in a long time. Because yesterday was a stressy day for both of us, he said not to worry about dinner he'd pick something up for himself on the way home.

While I was driving home I thought how crappy it is that he has to pick up something for himself for dinner. So I called him and said I'd make him his favorite dish. Stopped at Walmart, got everything I needed, went right to cooking when I got home and the second everything was ready he walked in the door. Couldn't have been more perfect. I stayed up late to fininsh the work I didn't get done while cooking dinner, but it was soooo worth it!

After dinner he told me that on his way out of the office he told the receptionists that I was going to cook him his favorite dish tonight and that he must have been pretty good! He has no idea how good! And the icing on the cake: I got a big ol' kiss this morning. So big and so good, bawled like crazy after he had left.

Today is different, I don't think I even have the time to eat but he said he'd take care of dinner.

My husband isn't affectionate at all and I'm the opposite. It's hard to grasp for me at times, but for him to take care of dinner tonight, that's him being affectionate.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Have read a lot of your threads and can identify with your husband in so many ways.In the end I chose to leave my relationship,because she took something away from who I was...my ability to drop the barriers and give my heart and inner self over to the care of another person,without reservation.

It's hard to leave yourself that open with anyone,but especially for me as a man.I've come to believe that a man's emotions are viewed in an opaque way,rather than the clearly defined way a woman's seems to be.I let my wife in to share the part of me that is not always apparent to others,the emotional and vulnerable part.

Each and every choice she made in her affair showed where I mattered to her.To tell me later,after being exposed,how much she loved me made it only appear that she continued to think me a fool.I so didn't want to hear that from her,because her actions had shown me not to believe it.

When she tried to be loving through personal contact,I wondered if these were the same gestures she willingly shared with another man.The sexual intimacy we once shared was no longer unique to us.She had shared the same with another man.

Maybe we could have went on,but it would have been an incomplete love,so much less than I would have wanted for us.

The excuses of the "fog", lack of communication,early background problems etc.hold no weight with me because I think that we reach a point in our lives where we have to take full responsibility for our actions.Especially when our actions may have a deep and abiding affect on someone whose heart we hold precariously in our hands.

I hope you both find peace.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

First off, it's great to see you making an effort to fix this. I always believe that you can say "I love you." until the cows come home. You recongized that you needed to show it. Are you going to get little digs here and there from him? Yeah. That's going to happen. It's part of the deal with trying to reconcile. He doesn't trust you and here's the rub. He will never FULLY trust you ever again. But, you have to re-build your marriage. The marriage you once had is gone. It's gone forever. You have to build a new marriage. However, I have a feeling you already knew that...

Continue to show him that you love and care for him. Continue to show him affection. You said that it broke your heart when he said, " Thank you for being nice to me." That was probably the most honest and heartfelt communication between the two of you in a long time. And it only took one sentence. It was powerful, and it was a start. 

Also, if you want to do something nice for him. Watch him. If he eyeballs a tool he's wanted or an electronic device. Just one day, buy it for him. Have it sitting on the table as a surprise when he gets home. If he asks what's the occasion, just tell him, " Because it's thursday and you deserve it." Don't think of it as trying to buy him off (and he may say that) just do it as a nice gesture. Nothing more and nothing expected in return. In my opinion, it shows that you were thinking about him and you put some thought into him that day.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Also, if you want to do something nice for him. Watch him. If he eyeballs a tool he's wanted or an electronic device. Just one day, buy it for him. Have it sitting on the table as a surprise when he gets home. If he asks what's the occasion, just tell him, " Because it's thursday and you deserve it." Don't think of it as trying to buy him off (and he may say that) just do it as a nice gesture. Nothing more and nothing expected in return. In my opinion, it shows that you were thinking about him and you put some thought into him that day.


I'm betting your LL is gifts.. 


OP:

I'm acts of service. H is physical touch. I started with wanting him to do small things - laundry, taking out trash... and now it's past that... I want him to take care of talking to the bank about a late payment, talking to his brother about a tough subject so that I don't have to, dealing with the realtor on the house sale.

The little things don't rev my engine anymore... so you may have to slowly but surely kick it up a notch as time goes on. All in all, I think you are on the right track!

H also has a tendency to get me gifts because it makes him feel good and it's "easy"... Gifts are the bottom of my totem pole - it's not an empty gesture [I appreciate the gift]... but somehow still a bit hollow to me because he's not speaking my LL.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> H also has a tendency to get me gifts because it makes him feel good and it's "easy"... Gifts are the bottom of my totem pole - it's not an empty gesture [I appreciate the gift]... but somehow still a bit hollow to me because he's not speaking my LL.


 What I was trying to say is use a token, or a gift, in conjunction with affection. Makes the effort more well rounded in my opinion.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TBT said:


> Have read a lot of your threads and can identify with your husband in so many ways.In the end I chose to leave my relationship,because she took something away from who I was...my ability to drop the barriers and give my heart and inner self over to the care of another person,without reservation.
> 
> It's hard to leave yourself that open with anyone,but especially for me as a man.I've come to believe that a man's emotions are viewed in an opaque way,rather than the clearly defined way a woman's seems to be.I let my wife in to share the part of me that is not always apparent to others,the emotional and vulnerable part.
> 
> ...


:iagree:...very thoughful


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

I can relate with you when it comes to not understanding the "acts of service" love language.

I'm truly baffled at how much it means to my husband. Despite that, I'm also working on it. Btw, he is the WS in our case. But when he last came home, I sucked it up and ironed his clothes and packed his stuff for him before he left. LOL.

Still plan on showing him love through acts of service when he does come by to visit the kids. At the least, he will be able to see that I don't blame the whole failure of our marriage to him and the EA. Maybe it will make him appreciate me more and willing to let go of the OW sooner. Maybe not. The point is that I know In my heat I am now doing all I can and won't have regrets later.

I applaud you for doing something difficult (even weird) for you. Just continue. I'll follow your efforts, simply because it inspires me to become a better person (hopefully wife) too. ^_^


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

TBT said:


> Have read a lot of your threads and can identify with your husband in so many ways.In the end I chose to leave my relationship,because she took something away from who I was...my ability to drop the barriers and give my heart and inner self over to the care of another person,without reservation.
> 
> It's hard to leave yourself that open with anyone,but especially for me as a man.I've come to believe that a man's emotions are viewed in an opaque way,rather than the clearly defined way a woman's seems to be.I let my wife in to share the part of me that is not always apparent to others,the emotional and vulnerable part.
> 
> ...


I think my husband is feeling a lot of what you say you felt. At times he says he loves me and wants to work things out, other times he says that through the affair I showed him that he did not matter, and it will be hard to get past that.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

TBT said:


> Have read a lot of your threads and can identify with your husband in so many ways.In the end I chose to leave my relationship,because she took something away from who I was...my ability to drop the barriers and give my heart and inner self over to the care of another person,without reservation.
> 
> It's hard to leave yourself that open with anyone,but especially for me as a man.I've come to believe that a man's emotions are viewed in an opaque way,rather than the clearly defined way a woman's seems to be.I let my wife in to share the part of me that is not always apparent to others,the emotional and vulnerable part.
> 
> ...


TBT, you did what you had to do, but that is you. Working's husband might be different, he might be able to look past what she did and said, and regain that intimacy that they lost. Working is really trying to make amends and it shows in her posts, and I, for one , want to give her as much encouragement as possible. Every affair and every recovery is different. Most participants DO recover, to a greater or lesser degree, but the marriage might be the first casualty. I probably will divorce my wife, after she is well, and feel more like TBT, but I empathize with Working's situation, and wish her husband well. If he can forgive, more power to him.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

crossbar said:


> What I was trying to say is use a token, or a gift, in conjunction with affection. Makes the effort more well rounded in my opinion.


You are correct and I wasn't trying to put down your suggestion at all. I think it's important to use all 5 LL to completely "fill the tank". I was just making an observation that as Acts of Service is my primary and Gifts are at the bottom (which may be the case for her H), a gesture like this wouldn't mean as much to me as walking in to him having taken care of dinner when I wasn't expecting it - or in his case, meeting him at the door with a big hug, kiss, and "I've missed you!" or something similar... 

I would, however, be excited as all get out if I walked in and there was an iPad2 sitting there with a bow on it! Just cause that's something I want but can't afford.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I really like all the responses I've received here....great feedback.

What I find interesting is that because one of my husband's LL is acts of service, he seems to think that this is my LL as well. I like that he wants to make me happy and help out with chores (esp. dishes grrr), and he likes to buy me small gifts like my favorite box of chocolates which I really appreciate. But I've also said that for me gifts aren't as important as sitting down with me and letting me know the things he loves about me. For instance, if he said "you're a great mother" (he only hints at it), or "I like the way you are passionate about your work"..something along those lines. He says it occasionally, it's not like I'm insecure about my qualities, I just want to hear it from him. I know that one of the reasons I had an affair is that I desperately need someone to tell me those things, and when OM would lavish me with compliments, I just wanted to keep hearing them. For instance on one occasion (OM was working in our home), he saw me mopping the floor after I had just worked an over night shift, and said "you shouldn't be doing that, you should be resting". It seems so mundane, but it's what I needed to hear at the time. And OM knew this, so he really worked it.

I think he might be starting to realize that I have that need, and he's made a few comments here and there lately.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> I really like all the responses I've received here....great feedback.
> 
> What I find interesting is that because one of my husband's LL is acts of service, he seems to think that this is my LL as well. I like that he wants to make me happy and help out with chores (esp. dishes grrr), and he likes to buy me small gifts like my favorite box of chocolates which I really appreciate. But I've also said that for me gifts aren't as important as sitting down with me and letting me know the things he loves about me. For instance, if he said "you're a great mother" (he only hints at it), or "I like the way you are passionate about your work"..something along those lines. He says it occasionally, it's not like I'm insecure about my qualities, I just want to hear it from him. *I know that one of the reasons I had an affair is that I desperately need someone to tell me those things, and when OM would lavish me with compliments, I just wanted to keep hearing them.* For instance on one occasion (OM was working in our home), he saw me mopping the floor after I had just worked an over night shift, and said "you shouldn't be doing that, you should be resting". It seems so mundane, but it's what I needed to hear at the time. And OM knew this, so he really worked it.
> 
> I think he might be starting to realize that I have that need, and he's made a few comments here and there lately.


Don't leave him guessing. Let him know this. Not as a demand but as something very important that he could be doing for your mutual enjoyment and marital satisfaction.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> For instance, if he said "you're a great mother" (he only hints at it), or "I like the way you are passionate about your work"..something along those lines. He says it occasionally, it's not like I'm insecure about my qualities, I just want to hear it from him.
> 
> I think he might be starting to realize that I have that need, and he's made a few comments here and there lately.


When he says things like that make a big deal out of it so he knows how much it means to you.

Example: After he says something positive walk up to him, take his hands in yours and say with deep expression in your eyes "you have no idea how much hearing you say that means to me...I love you so much." THEN HUG HIM!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

A bj afterwards doesn't hurt either. LOL


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Badblood said:


> A bj afterwards doesn't hurt either. LOL


You're such a romantic :rofl:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> A bj afterwards doesn't hurt either. LOL


Sheesh Bad, have you not read what I posted?  Affection for us has always led to having sex, so I was just trying to figure out ways to show him him how much I love him without all the "wink wink" mumbo jumbo.

typical male you are


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BJ's are very affectionate, imo


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> BJ's are very affectionate, imo


I guess that's what's meant by "getting down on your knees and begging for forgiveness"......


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Just think of it as performance art. LOL I understand where you are trying to get to, Working, and I certainly do like affection for it's own sake, but you have to understand , I've been without for two months now, and am getting really horny. My wife has offered a zillion times, but in her current state, and in mine, for that matter, it's not a good idea. I have had soooooooooooooooooooo many offers from soooooooooooooo many goodlooking women, and I'm soooooooooooooooo horny. WTF am I gonna do? Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

And , of course, my wife is red effing hot, which doesn't help.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Badblood: You aren't going to give it a shot to see if things can work with your wife..?... I know she really messed up and has issues----and I support your decision either way----but I was still hoping you'd really try!
Working: Tell him what makes you feel good. And don't under estimate the power of sex.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Badblood: You aren't going to give it a shot to see if things can work with your wife..?... I know she really messed up and has issues----and I support your decision either way----but I was still hoping you'd really try!
> Working: Tell him what makes you feel good. And don't under estimate the power of sex.


I really don't have any idea, at this point in time, WNBH. If it appears that her issues are resolved and that she can once again be a trusted wife, then maybe, but I'm not counting on anything until she is healthier mentally. In the meantime, I have to think of myself also. COULD I ever trust her again? How long will I wait? I have needs too, and they are important. What if another woman comes along (they already have) and she (new woman) can offer me the love and loyalty I want and need? Hey...no doubt about it.....my situation sucks ass.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Don't leave him guessing. Let him know this. Not as a demand but as something very important that he could be doing for your mutual enjoyment and marital satisfaction.


Thanks Moituri, we talked about this last night. He had his first I/C in months (realized he had to go back). I told him what I really needed from him, I talked about LL, he was really suprised that I had done the research on the topic. He listened, became a bit defensive and tried to deflect back to the affair and my behaviors. I listened to him, and just repeated that I really needed him tell me what he liked about me as a person, not what he loved about me. I asked him three things he liked about me.

1. My sense of humor, and the way I like to joke around a lot, the way my face lights up.

2. The way I play with the kids, and involve both of them in game playing (sometimes he thinks I pay too much attention to my daughter) I feel she needs her mom right now, that's my issue I guess.

3. yikes, I forgot the third....but anyway, it's the first time he was able to say these things.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

working_together said:


> 3. yikes, I forgot the third



your razor sharp memory?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> your razor sharp memory?


Shut up...lol, I have a lot on my mind with Christmas etc. and it was like midnight....


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Just think of it as performance art. LOL I understand where you are trying to get to, Working, and I certainly do like affection for it's own sake, but you have to understand , I've been without for two months now, and am getting really horny. My wife has offered a zillion times, but in her current state, and in mine, for that matter, it's not a good idea. I have had soooooooooooooooooooo many offers from soooooooooooooo many goodlooking women, and I'm soooooooooooooooo horny. WTF am I gonna do? Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.


Get over yourself dude....:rofl:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> your razor sharp memory?





> Shut up...lol, I have a lot on my mind with Christmas etc. and it was like midnight....



More like a razor sharp mouth :rofl:



> Just think of it as performance art. LOL I understand where you are trying to get to, Working, and I certainly do like affection for it's own sake, but you have to understand , I've been without for two months now, and am getting really horny. My wife has offered a zillion times, but in her current state, and in mine, for that matter, it's not a good idea. I have had soooooooooooooooooooo many offers from soooooooooooooo many goodlooking women, and I'm soooooooooooooooo horny. WTF am I gonna do? Sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.



This thread is good relief


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> Get over yourself dude....:rofl:


Wha?  Who me?:scratchhead: I didn't do nuthin!! It's just like my daddy used to say, "a tiger will kill you, but a little ***** never hurt anybody".


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Wha?  Who me?:scratchhead: I didn't do nuthin!! It's just like my daddy used to say, "a tiger will kill you, but a little ***** never hurt anybody".


Lol


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Working Together,

Good Post!

It is both touching and sad to read this thread. Touching because I admire you for the effort and thought you are putting towards healing your husband and marriage. Sad because this is exactly what I needed from my wife…but never got. 

I needed her to put effort into all of the love languages. I respond to Touch and Words of Affirmation. I needed her to show me that I mattered…more then him. I needed to feel she desired me…more then him and because her affair was EA/PA, I needed her physical touch and yes…sex. I needed to hear her say "I Love You' often. I needed reassurance that she was being sincere and of course I needed to keep hearing "I'm sorry". I needed to feel I was the center of her world again. It is now a year after D day #2. If she could have just put some effort into this, things could have been so much different.

Because of the damage her cheating did to me I was not capable of initiating these things with her too often although I tried. I did respond when she initiated but that was rare. I needed her to be persistent and to not give up. I really needed her to fight for me and our marriage. It seemed like she was just mirroring me and my moods, which was the wrong thing to do. 

My wife just didn't seem to want to help me heal by doing these things. I have tried to explain to her the concept of Love Languages and which ones I respond to but it doesn't seem to change her. When I explained to her about Physical Touch she said "It's always about sex with you". This is sad because her affair seemed to involve a lot of sex…with someone else. Of course, that sex must be different in her mind.

I agree with what you said about your primary love language being Words of Affirmation. I think this may be my wife's as well. For the last 14 years of our marriage, have labored under the delusion that my wife's LL's were Acts of Service and Gifts as your husband did. I think this was how I was raised to think. My father was like this for my mother but it worked for them. I always gave her physical touch as well. 

I now realize that her OM never bought her anything or did anything for her by way of acts of service so her LL must not be one of those. What he did give her was attention and affirmation. 

Since my wife wouldn't read any of the books I bought she will never know what her LL's really are…or even understand the concept of a LL. Perhaps if she did I wouldn't have filed for D. She say's she doesn't want the divorce and won't sign the papers but she seems incapable of doing anything to change or help me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

please update your thread Deciimated


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Spontaneous hugs and cuddles are the best. Plus I loved those long kisses on the cheek.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Decimated,

I really feel for you, sounds like you made the right decision though. If she cannot even pick up a book and read something that could help your relationship, it seems kind of hopeless really.

The love languages is really new for me, I only read a bit on the net, and have not bought the book, can't find it in the store. I think you're right on about the way you were raised to give gifts etc. my H was raised the same way. Even now, it's hard for him not to buy me gifts, nothing expensive, but none the less gifts. I have to remind him what I really want. I want him to be less angry, and tell me kind things that he likes/loves about me. For years I would ask him what he loved about me, and his only response was "I don't know, I just do". I couldn't accept that, but really didn't address it back then. and yeah, OM bought me one lousy coffee, but whatever else he did, satisfied my needs at the time.

This affair has really opened us up in terms of really telling each other what we need from one another, unfortunately, it took something so drastic and devistating to do this.


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