# Why can't I just file!



## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

I have been separated from my husband for 5 months and can't seem to file for divorce. We have been married for 29 years, and the last several have been very stressful! I asked him to leave as I could no longer look the other way as he was constantly online with "friends" and frequently drinking too much. I decided that this was not the life I deserve. He left without a fight as he knew what he was doing was not right. Have only seen him twice in 5 months, maybe talked to him twice, and texts frequently. There has been know wavering on either of our parts to try to work out any of our problems. 
I know this marriage is over and I need to make it official by filing for divorce. I just can't seem to make myself do the work. I think that he should be the one to file because of his unfaithfulness, has cause the breakdown in this marriage. I love the person he was but not the person he is now. We have two grown children, and they have been very supportive to me. We have put our house up for sale, although it could be a long time before it sells in this market. I am very lucky because I have a career and I am financially okay of taking care of myself.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Maybe cause deep down you are still in love with him and dont want this yourself , seems to me you want the old him back not this thing he has become .. I no that feeling i have been the one that got wrapped up in the online thing.. have you tried to tell him how you feel like you did here? Can or is he willing to look at it ? And is he staying away cause you asked and he really does care? and if he is how does that make you feel ? I think maybe you miss him either way but you really need the old him back , maybe talk to him about that part of it .. Or is there more to this from his side , is he saying he dont like this or that or does he want to come back ? these are questions that may need to be looked at deeply to get any type of answer you want , as for him filing i have to ask why would he want to file when you were the one that said it was over and kicked him out and he went willingly cause you asked ?
Not trying to be mean here but got to look at it that way as well , he probably dont want to end it and deep down he might be waiting to here what you need from him to make things work out again to keep you happy.
Just my thought on this


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

beinneedofhelp thanks for your reply. My husband does not want to save the marriage as he had his chances and can never follow through on his promises. He is a broken soul who just can't seem to make positive changes to help our relationship. I believe he wants this to end because he knows how much pain he has caused and does not love me anymore. I think he just wants to be in relationships without any past problems. 
It's just so sad to call a end to a relationship of 33 years, been married 29 years, got together when we were in high school. 
I definitely admit that my heart has hardened with all the broken promises over the last several years. 
The reason I asked him to leave was because he was just living in the same house but didn't want to put any effort into improving our marriage just destroying it.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I think you did the smart thing by asking him to leave the house. You can still want the marriage to work but if he is being "toxic" and not willing to put any work into it whats the benefit of him staying there? By him getting his own dose of reality, that may be what he needs. As far as you not being able to file? If you can't right now you can't and don't beat yourself up over it, you will know when the time is right.


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

Ash, thanks so much for your post. I think your post is very insightful and correct. I will keep working on me and in time make the final move of filing for divorce. This is has been the most difficult decision I've made in my life. However, to truly have the kind of life worth living I need to move forward and take back my life. Thanks again!


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

I have been texting back and forth with my husband the last couple of days regarding selling the house etc. I told him I thought it was time to get the lawyers involved and he responded that he would like to go to a mediator if possible. So I told him I had the name of one and he said that fine we can use her. Well I took the big step today and contacted the mediator and had a nice talk with her. I then e-mailed my husband all of the contact information for the mediator and a couple of dates that we could meet with her. A few hours later I get a reply back asking me if I could hold off for awhile, cause he's stressed with this, work, and his parents. I really can't believe it because we've been separated for five months without any discussion of trying to work out any of our problems in our marriage. Just when I finally get the courage to make a change he pulls back. Who knows, but I'll give him a couple months since I already have 30 years into this marriage. I will continue the no contact as that is what works best for my sanity.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It's a big step to actually file those papers. Have you completely written off any hope for the future?

If you have and you have support and financial stability, then you'll realize sooner or later that you can't wait for him. What do you want for yourself? What do you want for him?

You don't seem upset that he's stalling, which is interesting. Keep us up to date on the progression.


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

Alexandra that's a good question as to what I want for myself and the future. What I would really like is not possible, as I would like to be in a marriage with my husband that involved complete trust. I don't see that he is making any changes. I am really tired of the text to just stay in touch. At this point I am trying to not respond to any of his texts. He says he sorry and that he's been a horrible husband. That's all well and great that he admits his problems but can't seem to follow through with making any changes. If nothing changing nothing changes, or so I've learned. I need to get on with my future without my husband. I am so sad by all that has happened. I will wait one month and if nothing drastic has change then, I will file and not wait for him. He says he is to stressed to deal with the mediator, and I feel that dealing with the mediator and figuring out my financial future will help me with future decisions. Thanks for asking sorry this was such a long post.


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