# Will my wife ever forgive me?



## bazqux

My wife and I have known each other for 14 years and have been married for 11. A few years into marriage I was diagnosed with severe depression and she has had to deal with that. Also, since before I knew her, I was already addicted to porn. A couple of years ago I finally told her about it and it tore her apart.

She told me how much it hurt her and that it feels like I cheated on her, and it makes her feel like she was such a sucker for all these years. She is a beautiful, kind, and smart woman, so I feel horrible for making her feel that way. In some ways I do not deserve her.

For the past year or so I have pretty much stopped watching porn. However, she is no longer comfortable spending time with me.

On one hand, I am grateful that she is even letting me stay as part of the family with her and our kids. On the other hand, I feel lonely because almost all of the time she prefers to spend time with the kids rather than me. She says she wants to protect herself from possibly more hurt, which makes sense, but I worry she will never get over it.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this forum. Maybe to hear if others have been in this situation, if there is any hope for me to be my wife's best friend again?


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## happy as a clam

Have you sought out professional help to treat your severe depression and your porn addiction? If not, that would be my first suggestion. Your wife needs to know that you are taking steps to heal the damage and addressing the issue. It will be baby steps and a whole lot of effort to gain back her trust.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bazqux

Thank you, happy as a clam, for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist for almost 8 years now and have tried to work on my own issues. I suggested it to my wife as well, with a referral, but she is not comfortable sharing details about her life with a "random" person. Sometimes I act as her therapist, and it can be helpful for her work-related issues, but that is difficult to do when the very issues that cause her the most pain involve me.


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## bazqux

peacem, I am grateful for your thoughtful and candid perspective. It gives me a better understanding of my wife's pain. I will think more about what you have said, and will consider your suggestions.


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## northwing

I'm wondering how far the porn went? Was there skyping or messaging? Were pictures exchanged? There's a lot of new on-line activities that have sprung up and they go beyond porn. ****** comes to mind...


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## bazqux

@northwing: I just remembered that, at one period, I communicated with a woman in another country via interpals.com, and my wife found out about that. The communication wasn't sexual, though I realize it was still very wrong. I promptly cut it off with that woman. I forgot about this incident, but my wife will probably never forget it. Thank you for reminding me.


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## Pluto2

I have a couple of questions.

You say you've been in therapy for about 8 years. Good for you to take this step. In therapy, were you addressing both the depression and the porn?

You also say for the last year you've "pretty much stopped" the porn. What does that mean?


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## bazqux

@Pluto2: For the first 6 years or so my therapy was focused exclusively on depression. For the last two years, my therapy has included my porn habit, but as my therapist is female I am not comfortable being completely honest and open with her about it. Perhaps I should look for a male therapist.

"Pretty much stopped porn" is a weasel phrase, so I'm glad you called me on it. It means no porn videos or explicit images. However, about once a month I will Google search for images of pretty women, without MO. I'd love to get rid of that habit as well, but it seems much harder to let go of that, compared to letting go of explicit material and nudity.


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## len51

You sound like me. I am still taking medication for depression and my wife is bi with a strong leaning towards females. She enjoys sex with me, just not that often. I was so addicted to porn that I was putting off work to masturbate all day long. I work at home so it is easy to watch porn for hours at a time.

What I did was talk to my wife and admit my addiction. I promised to stop masturbating. She had no problem with the porn, just my orgasming without her. The other thing I did was schedule two mandatory date nights. No matter how tired or not in the mood one of us is, we get into bed together even if just to kiss and hug a little. This turned into having sex which in turn releases hormones that emotionally bond us which makes us want to have more sex. 

When sex becomes infrequent, you both are missing out on releasing the hormone named Oxytocin. Google it. Most people are not aware of the chemistry of sex until it is too late. Oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone, has one purpose since the beginning of mankind; to emotional bond a couple together during and after sex. 

What happens is that sex becomes infrequent for various reasons. That means no Oxytocin which means your emotional bond with your spouse goes away which results in less sex which means less Oxytocin; well you can see where this is headed.

Try the mandatory date/sex nights and you will find that your intimacy will greatly improve. We were on the brink of divorce since sex was done out of marital obligation and was no fun at all. Now we are having a lot more sex and my wife is experiencing some of the most intense orgasms of her life and we are in our sixties. 

P.S. I did not want to mention that practicing male chastity solved the masturbation problem. It is not for everyone but it is a fetish that solved our problems.


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## bazqux

@len51: Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like it is possible, with work, to have a happy marriage. I am surprised your wife is okay with porn. Does that mean you still watch porn, just without MO-ing?


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