# I cheated...sexully and emotionally and shes checking out...HELP!



## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Heres the back story..

She and I got married 4 years ago, in about the 2nd year I had a sexual affair which she discovered on the Monday following Easter of 2009.

About 4 months ago I answered a w4m ad on craigslist. I made it clear to the woman that I never wanted to be more that online buddies/friends but didnt admit to being married.

I eventually did tell the OW about my marriage and she and I continued in the emotional affair.

My wife discovered the EA on Oct. 15. At that time she stated that she was done, we were getting a divorce and that she was going to begin activly dating other men (which she has).

Last night, Oct. 18, I called the OW in the presense of my wife and told her that I HAD to reconcile and reconnect with my wife and that I could ever talk to her again.

I want to save my marriage, I dont want a divorce, I know now that it was an emotional affair and that had it progressed could have been much much worse.

I dont know if my wife will allow me a 3rd chance but I know I have to try...so any help would be really appreciated.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Why do you want to reconcile when you obviously can't be faithful?


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Thats the same question she asked me.

1 - I really do love her she really is the love of my life - I make no excuses for myself what I have done is wrong, hurtfull (you add whatever adjective you want)

2 - I am better than this...so much better

3 - If I am ever going to be a great dad (or a great husband) then I have to make changes; I have to live the vows I made and fix what is broken on the inside of me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you think love is?


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

I know love is, amoung other things, forgivness and trust....

both of which I have violated....god I hope its not too late...I dont deserve another chance, I know that, just like my family didnt deserve to have its future stolen; but, I have to try, if for nothing else than to heal my brokeness which I allowed to lead me astray.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was kind of thinking that love is caring more about other person than yourself. So far, you have not shown her that, have you?

IMO, the only thing you can do is put your own wants and needs on hold and do whatever SHE wants. If I were her, I'd have to see you put forth that much effort for a good 6 months before I'd believe that you really do love me more than yourself.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Yea, I have already dedicated myself to serving her...doing the little things, not being pushy or crowding....

but shes started dating other guys since then and though Im not losing hope...it looks bleak ya know?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you mean she literally started dating other guys? In the last 4 days?!


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

yes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Uh...er....are you sure she wasn't already cheating on you?


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Pretty sure, she says she never has and at this point I have no reason to doubt her.

I think she may be willing to give me a chance but I dont know how to cope with her dating/sleeping with other guys while I try to win her back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you either cope...or you don't. It's really not in your hands.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

yea I know..its just going to be hard, living in the same house...so do you have any suggestions as to what I can/should do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, living in the same house, you have the right to tell her that you're uncomfortable with such a thing - even though you know you don't have room to talk - and that if she feels she has to have sex with other men, you two need to agree to separate into separate homes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So basically you offend your wife with two different affairs and have blown a lot of sunshine under her skirt about your love for her and your renewed interest in being faithful.

And she's not buying it. She's hurt, angry, and not even in the same place you think you are regarding the marriage,

I think she has written you off. Do you blame her?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I think you should follow what your wife wants. If she wants to continue sleeping with other man, let her. It's just fair to her compared to what you did to her. Without knowing how big is the chance to rekindle with your wife, you may figure out this: If she rathers chooses you, and she still loves you more than anyone, make sure you won't disappoint her and cheat on her anymore, but if she rathers choose anyone except you... There's no hope to repair your marriage. It's less difficult for men to break up with affairs and go back to the wife, but more difficult for women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

I realize that she is checking out...do I blame her..no.

I know that the burden of PROOF is on me...by right action alone and not with words...which is why I am on here.

It kills me that right now, even as I type this she is emailing with potential dates, showing them to her daughter...my stepdaughter.

I know that I am the odd man out in this forum..I AM THE CHEATER and most of the rest of you guys are the victims.

Tonight when I got home she had this quirky little smile on her face...I hoped it was becuase she missed me...no...its becuase of the guys shes talking to.

I cant imagine what I put her through...and I have no right to complain...but my heart is breaking right now.

I know that everyone, including my family, thinks Im nuts for sticking around but I feel like if I am worth anything, if ever I was going to stand for our vows...it has to be now, in this most dark hour, when I have failed so utterly, when all hope seems lost.

If I fail, then I fail trying to get up out of the gutter so cut me some frickin slack becuase I am going through hell too, just not to the degree I put her through and I am doing by choice.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Did you get cheated on MsLonely?


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

so shes talking to her mom...and her mom cant convince her to give me a 3rd chance...

The darkest hour of my life (self imposed) is only getting darker


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Was I cheated on? Yes, but I got even on my husband soon after I caught him. Did I love my EA? Yes, madly and for quite many years I had actually made him my sexual fantasy. However, my marriage has been smooth and peaceful for recent years. Eventually my fantasy for my EA has become an obstacle whenever my husband made love to me. So I decided to remove this obstacle and work hard to fall back in love with my husband. Now my life is correct without him (my affair) on my mind. I felt I was silly and dumb to drool over my EA in the past 4 years. He's a man I met on the internet. Never ever got a fxxx from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

cheatinghusband said:


> so shes talking to her mom...and her mom cant convince her to give me a 3rd chance...
> 
> The darkest hour of my life (self imposed) is only getting darker


All what you can do is to be a supportive and loving husband. It takes some time and patience for her to understand she can't find a better husband except you. Gees, I also have a daughter from my ex. But I never share stupid things with her. I did show her the facebook photo of my EA though. You need to stay away from where your resentment growing toward your wife.
Be a good father and good husband. Make love to your wife dearly and give her good oral sex. Remember her birthday and give her a surprise. Stop talking to her parents to push her! Don't rush her to jump into conclusion with you. Don't make yourself look panic and pathetic! What my husband has done were, he took care of himself. He exercised and lost weights. He focus on being a good man for me and my daughter. He works hard to achieve his goal in his career. He cooked for me and served me breakfast in bed.
He always bought me chocolate, snacks and something to drink on his way home. He's a listening husband and supportive father. So how could I not feel guilty to have other man on my mind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Anyway, women are naturally soft hearted but she needs to see some big changes in you. So her trust will come back little by little. Don't be jealous. Don't complain and don't whine. If she decides to leave you for good, now you only have little time left to show her how much you love her and desire her. DO IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. If you want to hate her with resentment. You can start hating as much as you want when she's literally gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, you don't deserve some slack, as you created the mess you're in. 

The mature thing to do is accept her 'punishment,' take it like a man, and focus on what you need to do to prove you are worth keeping. One affair would have made it more tolerable for her to forgive you, but two affairs...well, that puts a LOT of question on whether you are truly viable as husband material. You obviously love yourself more than your wife or you wouldn't have cheated twice. Why would she want that man? (And no, I have never been cheated on; I just know what works.)

So what to do?

Stop your habit of thinking about yourself first. SHOW her in actions that you no longer think of yourself first. Accept what she's doing, show her humility rather than anger or jealousy, and focus on making sure she knows you will never hurt her again.

How to do that? Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out their LoveBuster questionnaire, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you all the ways you have annoyed or hurt her. It could be as simple as leaving the toilet seat up to as big as buying a motorcycle with your vacation money. It doesn't matter WHAT it is, because she feels hurt by it, and her feelings are VALID. If you want to prove your sincerity, you will ACCEPT her feelings, and STOP doing those LBs that harm her affection for you. It usually takes several months of working very hard to change your habits. Plan on it (and hope she gives you that time).

Once you have stopped LBing her, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what her top 5 ENs are. Remember, any EN is valid; not your place to judge what's important to her. Once you know them, make sure YOU are the only person meeting those ENs.

That is the path to proving yourself. 

You may also want to volunteer to take a polygraph, which would (1) prove your humility and willingness to submit to what she needs (and honesty will be a big one for her right now) and (2) give her the truth about you, a baseline, so you can move forward in total honesty.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I have been following this thread and I wanted to ask why you want to stay married. There are benefits to releasing your wife and yourself from this relatioship. She gets the chance to find someone who will cherish her and be faithful to her. It seems she is on her way to getting what she wants. The benefit to you may be able to stop deceiving and hurting a person who loves and is committed to you. Take your new found resolve to never cheat again to a new relationship. You will also have a chance to date around and make the choice of a partner reasonably sure that you can be faithful. 

On the other hand you may not be the type of person that can stay faithful in that case, why not stay single and you can do as you want as long as you are honest in your pursuit of numerous women. No one gets hurt and you get all the excitement you want. You cheated after such a short time with your wife, not only once but twice. You didn't want just her a few months ago why do you want her now. Think about it - is it because she has shown you that she forgave your first indiscretion as a choice not not because she was stuck with you. What was going through your head that you did not anticipate that your wife would leave you and find someone else. Do you want her now because other men find her attractive? I am not trying to beat you over the head, it is obvious that you are distressed but why, that's maybe what you should explore. If the reason has nothing to do with your wife, then you are free to move on. 

You have a bad pattern in this relationship and it is probably not the first time you have been left because of cheating and based on past behavior it will not be the last deception you will engage in. After this blows over and the temtation presents itself again in a yr you will not be able to resist because it is in your character to put your need for pleasure above everything, even common sense. There are many people like you - you should just realize what you are and have short honest relationships letting the person know that you cannot remain faithful and will want to move on to the sexual persuit. 

You may miss out on having a stable loving relationship, but you save others from the pain of your character and you get to follow your penis where ever it takes you. You have no one to answer to as long as you are honest. What could be better? Of course you can still try to deceive some woman by marrying her and continue to cheat and you may get away with the deception next time. It's attractive to have the ideal set-up of a stable home and variety on the side. 

There is no downside you think- but there is, life catches up with you. You will some day want a woman to stck by you when you get older and there will be no one who cares enough about you to do so. You can't connect honestly with women and they can tell so when the benefits of staying with you fall below the threshold, you will find youself alone just when you need someone to care about you. Old lonely men will never tell other men the true story of their lives so deceiving men think that there are no consequences of throwing away the gift of love. 

Move on and let you wife do the same. Luckily she has the self esteem to not put herself through this ordeal again and she clearly sees that it is not worth it. If you have changed then take your changes to your next relationship, you have foolishly squandered away the love in this one already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So just to be sure I have my facts straight, you have been married to your wife for four years. About 2 years into your marriage you had an emotional and physical affair which she discovered Easter 2009 (so it was ongoing for a while). A little more than a year later, after destroying her world and her trust, and after telling her that you love her and only her and promising to change...you answer an ad on craigslist to start an online sex buddy relationship with some anonymous stranger!  For someone who meant no more to you than a piece of paper, you were willing to AGAIN utterly destroy your wife's world, her security and her trust. She found out a few days ago and basically--she's *DONE*! And now you want her to give you another chance. 

Are those facts accurate? After the choices YOU made to pursue another woman sexually and turn to an anonymous stranger for online sex buddies, you want her to let you have another chance. She LET you have another chance and look what you did with it! 

Along with other posters, I wonder why you want to be married? :scratchhead: You write it's because: 



> 1 - I really do love her she really is the love of my life - I make no excuses for myself what I have done is wrong, hurtfull (you add whatever adjective you want)


Oh? You do? How? Other than sex, in what way to you demonstrate love to your wife?  Do you meet her emotional needs? Do you listen to her? Do you respect her enough to not control her? Do you behave in a loving way? Do you take care of her? Do you act in a way so she is secure and safe?  Do you protect her from hurt? 

Frankly I challenge your claim of "love" and here's why. I suspect you may have possibly have some sort of fluttery feeling about her, and since she meets some of your needs you don't want to lose having those things taken care of--but otherwise I don't see ACTIONS--*ACTIONS*--that indicate love. Love is not a feeling. * Love is an action.* Love is controlling yourself so you make her feel safe. Love is making the decision to make the effort to set up candles all over. Love is being trustworthy with your spending and trusting her with some money too.  Love is respecting her enough to realize she's a whole separate human being from you and her ideas and preferences are just as valid as yours are.  Love is treating her with kindness. I just don't see ANY of that in what you describe. So you may feel some sort of need for her, but you do not love her (yet). 

If you want to save your marriage *I think you'll need to learn what love actually is first*. Here is a clue: Love is not being lazy or thinking of yourself. 



> 2 - I am better than this...so much better


Again, I challenge this, and here's why. As a man and a human being, you may be a fine person, don't get me wrong. I have no beef with you--and I've been disloyal myself so I understand it can happen. But here's why I challenge this statement. It has only been four years. In those four years, you've spent at least two (and maybe more) purposefully acting in a way that directly DESTROYED her--and knowing you were doing that you chose to continue anyway. If you did it once, then learned about cheating and why it happens and went to counseling to address your issues...well everyone makes mistakes and that's a person in my mind who is better and had a temporary lapse of extremely bad judgement. However, if you do it twice, still haven't learned about cheating and why it happens, not only aren't in counseling but don't really see the need for that...I see that as a person who has no real intention to change. 

See, cheatinghusband, your words are meaningless right now. They may as well be a fart, because they are hot air and stinky. So what REALLY communicates what you mean and your real intentions is your ACTIONS. Right now your actions say that you are trying to sweet-talk her, that you are not taking steps to honestly address your seeming affair addiction head on, that you're not taking personal responsibility for the choices YOU made, etc. Your actions show: "I'm going to make a bunch of empty promises, like last time, and do nothing different at all--but this time it will be different." 

She was very clear with you when you had the physical affair that she had a boundary around herself: she would not tolerate infidelity if you wanted to be with her. Knowing this, did you take the time to learn about affairs or infidelity?  Read any books so you could learn about yourself and why you slipped into it? How about look up websites that help you recover from an affair? Those things are all inexpensive and don't involve that lack of privacy in a counselor's office! How about did you learn about yourself so you could figure out where your weakness is and protect yourself? Did you take her seriously enough to protect your marriage? Did you study "good marriages" or "faithfulness"? Talk to a parent, pastor, or some mentor type person about having a better marriage? *NO*! 



> 3 - If I am ever going to be a great dad (or a great husband) then I have to make changes; I have to live the vows I made and fix what is broken on the inside of me


So do you see all the questions up there I asked you? If I were you, I would get busy doing all that. Do it whether she comes back to you or not. Frankly, I suspect it may be too late. She has every moral and legal right to end this marriage now with a clear conscience. I would suggest that you actually start all the things I've underlined...on your own...and don't do it in the hopes to win her back. Do it because something is broken inside you and it will make you a better man. Honestly, chances are very slim...VERY slim...but it is conceivable she'll see you actually working and actually making changes in your ACTIONS. 

My one word to you would be this: no more promises. Not one. Either ACT IT OUT, or don't say it. 




> I realize that she is checking out...do I blame her..no.
> 
> I know that the burden of PROOF is on me...by right action alone and not with words...which is why I am on here.
> 
> It kills me that right now, even as I type this she is emailing with potential dates, showing them to her daughter...my stepdaughter.


This sounds like a lot of "oh poor me!" to me. If you realize all this then stop looking for sympathy here on the forum and tell me what you've done this week to learn about affairs and how they start? Until you've done that homework, I don't want to hear about what your wife is doing--know why? It's irrelevant. She's not here and we can't control her. You are here and you can control YOU--so do the work. 



> I know that I am the odd man out in this forum..I AM THE CHEATER and most of the rest of you guys are the victims.


Well I was also disloyal and even *I* am upset with you. This is just more "Oh poor me." Stop looking for pity and emotional support from strangers and get to work on yourself! 



> I cant imagine what I put her through...and I have no right to complain...but my heart is breaking right now.


Again, more "oh poor me." Not sure where you're going to live? Not sure if she's going to love you anymore? She has done some EMAILS and you're this distraught--yet you SLEPT WITH people, exposed her to diseases that could kill her, and lied to her face...TWICE! I don't think there's anyone on the planet who deserves this, don't get me wrong, but she is only emailing and we're supposed to feel all bad for you...yet you did this and worse to her! So have you ever let her know in any way that if nothing else you have a glimpse of the horrifying pain you put her through? How about understanding from HER point of view and not thinking of yourself? For more than half of her life with you...she felt like *THIS* and your response to this person whom you supposedly love so much was "So? (shrug)" 

Seriously--stop with the theatrics and the "oh poor me" and get to work!!! You have a lot to do and if you have any hope at all, it needs to be done and fast. Sitting here with that "pity me" attitude is not going to fix the deep issues you have, so YOU look at the counselors in your area, YOU figure out which one goes with your insurance, YOU make the appointment, YOU get your butt there and ...do the work. In your next post please tell us where you went to read about affairs and infidelity and what you learned--how it applies to you. 

Once I see that I'll consider the possibility you mean it. Until then I'm highly skeptical and suspect you're just here for some sort of pity and "how awful for you."


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

cheatinghusband said:


> Heres the back story..
> 
> She and I got married 4 years ago, in about the 2nd year I had a sexual affair which she discovered on the Monday following Easter of 2009.
> 
> About 4 months ago I answered a w4m ad on craigslist. I made it clear to the woman that I never wanted to be more that online buddies/friends but didnt admit to being married.


Stop. Did you believe this massive bull**** at the time you spouted it? If you did, what need to lie? 



> I eventually did tell the OW about my marriage and she and I continued in the emotional affair.
> 
> My wife discovered the EA on Oct. 15. At that time she stated that she was done, we were getting a divorce and that she was going to begin activly dating other men (which she has).
> 
> Last night, Oct. 18, I called the OW in the presense of my wife and told her that I HAD to reconcile and reconnect with my wife and that I could ever talk to her again.


You HAD to? Why? If I was your wife knowing you HAD to, I would drop kick you to the door so fast it would make your head spin.



> I want to save my marriage, I dont want a divorce, I know now that it was an emotional affair and that had it progressed could have been much much worse.
> 
> I dont know if my wife will allow me a 3rd chance but I know I have to try...so any help would be really appreciated.


Good luck getting help from others. As far as I am concerned, you should do your wife a favor and not bother. You obviously aren't in this marriage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Uh...er....are you sure she wasn't already cheating on you?


I'll bet a dollar I would do the EXACT same thing. I would play happily until dissolution can be completed.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

I'm stuck on the other side of that. My wife had a PA and then an EA. After the PA, I can never know if the EA she admits to wasn't physical.
You should know that the thing hurt most is trust.
If you really want her, do whatever it tales to get her trust back- EARN it.
Delete your facebook, Get a basic phone that doesn't IM, etc. You can have a normal life again later. For now, do what you have to.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

cheatinghusband said:


> 2 - I am better than this...so much better


I don't see any evidence of this. You had an affair. You got busted. And immediately went out seeking another. Let your wife find someone who isn't a turd while you go work yourself out. And be a decent human being and don't commit to someone else until you do.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Affaircare...strong words, they hurt, but at the same time, you are right and I appreciate what you said...thank you.

So here are some answers to some of your questions; not as a rebuttal but for clarity.

The EA wasnt about a cybersex deal...to be absolutly honest the OW and I never did more than txt about what was wrong in both of our relationships and it was about my pity party becuase my W and I werent getting along and I lost sight of her needs.

What actions have I always taken to show her I care for her?

Well - I cook, I clean, in the morning I help her take care of the kids she watches, the kids and pets are killing the carpet so I shampoo the carpets about once a week...etc.

She and I did go to marriage counseling..but we had to end it after only a few visits (maybe 5) due to finances; but, that doesnt excuse me from not following though and doing the things that you suggested.

Yes, I have been having a pity party....but I see the wisdom in what you have said...all of you...so in my next post I will give an update on what steps I have taken to fix me and hopefully my marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Good--I look forward to reading that post!


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

She just called me to vent about an issue shes having today (not involving me!) She said, "I dont know what to do." which has always been her way of saying "Help Me!" to me.

I helped her out and she said thanks!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's a great first start.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

*My Steps to Recovery*

I heard what AffairCare had to say and below are the steps I am taking right now:

1 - I email my wife every day to say hello, ask how her day was, and to remind her that I am still here to be her partner (its working!)

2 - I went to AffairCare's website during my lunch and read some of the articles....I found Affairland very insightful!

I also printed off the love extinguisher / love kendler quizzes for me so that I can try to pin point my issues

3 - My sister may be willing to pay for a subscription to Covenant Eyes; its an internet reporting software, if not I would have to collect cans to pay for it or something.

I will have accountability partners that will get a weekly report of my internet activity lisiting all websites I had visited and there will be a list of websites that I am NEVER allowed to visit..including craigslist.

4 - I will fully disclose all internet accounts I have on a spreadsheet which provides the usernames and passwords. The list will be given to my accountability partners and my wife.

5 - I am right now awaiting a call back from a therapist near my home who is contracted with my insurance and I will be participating in weekly sessions. 

My wife said that at this time she doesnt want to go with me, I cant blame her, but I think she is open to it if she can see real change.

6 - I have started The Love Dare in the hopes that it will create healthy & positive habit in me.

7 - I am going to work on my physical self by running/walking

8 - I am going to daily set myself aside to tend to her needs so that I stay focused on her and not me.

My personality type is INFP...I know that part of my selfesteem, self-image issues are tied to that...its not an excuse for my past behavior, but it does contribute.

My love language is physical touch

Her personality type is (I think) ENTJ...the person who scored us a year or so ago said that there wasnt a way to put us further apart personality-wise

Her love language is acts of service.

I read the consequence letter samples on AffairCare....they broke my heart becuase it gave me some insight as to what she's likley feeling and the reasons for her to start dating other guys within days of discovery.

If ANY of you guys have any more suggestions...please share them...all I ask is that you do it in a positive manner and not in a manner of beratement or malishiousness.

Thanks

Erik


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, cheatinghusband, what you've done caused her deep, irreparable harm so you're definitely digging yourself out of a grave here. However, based on what you've written here you have the right idea and I think you're on the right track for the most part. I would strongly suggest that your #1 priority right now be focusing on your issues and making sure that you act in ways that SHOW sincere change. You can't fix your marriage if you are broken. So that's got to happen first. 

Then #2 maybe ask her if she would be willing to go to "neutral." She doesn't sound like the kind of person who's immoral or unfaithful-type, so my guess is that she's doing some of what she's doing just to get some dignity back that she lost by you cheating twice. If this is also your take too I could see an arrangement like "neutral" working. Asking (not begging...not pleading, crying, whining, etc) if she would consider an arrangement that is just being civil, continuing as things are, putting decisions and whatnot on hold for a while...that may appeal to her. 

Finally, every day keep reading. What do you know about her personality type? Personalitypages.com has descriptions of each MB type and here's their ENTJ page--click the heart to read about ENTJ in an relationship. For now, read that and maybe here is a link to X3Pure (that stands for XXX Pure). It is a ministry of XXXChurch it's meant to be an online recovery for porn addiction, and I know that's not dead-on the case here but the concepts are similar enough I thought it would be helpful. 

Okay--I'll be back tomorrow with more. Keep up the good work.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sounds like you are making some good changes. Just try to remember that it has to be permanent, you can't stop once you get comfortable. Best of luck to you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only change I would make is to ask HER to fill out the questionnaires so you actually know how she really feels, instead of trying to figure it out on your own and possibly working off of false information.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

So here is my 1st update...

My W and I are still living under the same roof, she has been all glowy and giddy about a certain guy who was supposed to take her out on Friday. Tonight when I got home she was all down and actually cried becuase her date cancelled...so its looking pretty bleak right now.

The past 3 days I have been going through covenant eyes.
Day one sucked because its super hard to not think ill of your W who is leaving you; even though its your fault. I know its idiotic and ironic and even selfish but it is what it is.

Day two was hard too, for the same reasons, but I made sure I came home and took care of the house and tried to tend to her needs.

Today was Day 3, I was supposed to get her an unexpected gift to show her that I was thinking of her and not myself. So since she was down I got her a cookie, a diet mtn dew, and a bouquet of flowers. At first she looked at them and was going to get pissed...yikes...but then her expression softend and she smiled.

More good news, my sister is going to pay for the subscription to Covenant Eyes - the web accountabilty software - I am going to draft up the accountability agreement tonight and ask friends to be my partners...if anyone reading this wants to participate...your welcome to do so, just know that I would need your email address so that you get the accountability reports.

I am going to set an appointment with a therapist tommorow for next week.

So there it is my 1st update, I know it looks bleak for my family honestly I am excited about the future...we may just make it!


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Im in the dog house not...shoot I took steps forward and now shes all pissed at me....I made the mistake of talking about the sitch with some friends and now shes pissed.

I guess we take baby steps huh?


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

She feels like I created drama...but that was never my intention, at least not on a consious level


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Don't get too disappointed. Tell her your intentions were good, but you didn't realize that she would be upset by you trying to form a support system to make yourself a better man.

Then maybe ask her if she would like to be the one doing the accountability with you instead of friends. I think she may just be more embarrassed than mad. A lot of times women don't like it when their mans problems are known by the circle. Hope she feels better about it all this morning


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Quick update - 

I took AffairCare's advised and had the "neutral" talk...

Maybe it was too soon or maybe my delivery wasnt very good (I didnt cry or whine or anything) but she said that shes not a car, she doesnt have neutral and we are going to either legally separate or get a divorce and if she has to be the one to do the processing its not going to be pretty.

But today is Day 4 and I am supposed to call her to ask if I can do anything for her....so hopefully she says yes!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just don't expect anything. Women take a VERY long time to come around and trust again.


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## cheatinghusband (Oct 19, 2010)

yea well...shes going to a swinger (lifestyle) party this weekend with another guy, she doesnt relate sex to love in anyway, to her sex is just sex...but still it freakin hurts


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember that this is just to prove to herself that she is still loveable. You have destroyed that in her for now - she feels like trash, and she's desperate to prove to herself AND you that other men want her. She just doesn't understand that most men will want ANY woman that's still breathing.


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## luvmykids (Oct 8, 2010)

Horray for your wife! She is doing the right thing....and admit...your only SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT! If she never caught you, you would continue with your affiar, if not this one than a future one perhaps.


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