# Miss your abuser?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

As I've said below I came to my parents with dd because I could not stand the verbal abuse from h and son at home.
H would set it up so son would get angry at me and not intervene. H would preach to me all the time how hard and unforgiving I am according to the priest. I am not allowed to reference his 3 year affair without a lecture from him. 

Dd went back home because she hated it at her grandparents and now she hates me as well, this is very painful, she texted me that I am irresponsible and that I guilted her out with my crying and that I never visit the house.

My Md told me to go NC with my h, because he is very manipulative and will suck me back as he has before so I can't face visiting the house. 21 year old son texted me once, saying he wants his tuition money from me for university. 

I asked dd who is 13 out to dinner but she said her dad would have to come too, because I came to my parents house without telling anyone, and am depressed so he has to 'supervise' any visits I have with her. I said forget it. I won't have him acting like a parole officer. So dd hates me even more for not coming to the restaurant.

The sick thing is that a big part of me wants to crawl home. I left with dd for 5 months last year and he wore me down and I went home. It's all I know and I am terrified of being alone.
All my friend, family, therapists say not to go back but I have a sick need to go back. We've been together 30 years and I am 53.
If I go back I'll be in an even weaker position, dd will hate me, son despises me and so does his live in gf. What is wrong with me?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Its called a cycle for a reason. You need to break it.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You need to reach out for support. And get some clarity start making a new life do the old one loses it's power.

1. Write a list ten new things you can start doing. If you need help I got a lot of suggestions.

2. Go out with friends or over to there house make some memories.

3. Write out the abuse so that you can see it in black and white.

4. This is your life you be the hero of it not the victim.

5. My mom was single at 55 and got married to a great guy. Your life is not over you are still a wonderful women capable if having a lot of good times.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks CEL, what ten things can I do?


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Oh wow you have many options. You are looking at your life as if it is over and that is crazy. It is just starting this is your rebirth time to star flying. So here are some things.

1. Start journaling at least one entry a day.

2. Start working out don't want to join a gym no problem just ask me about body weight exercises.

3. Want to learn a new language?

4. How about becoming the kind of person you WANT to be. Aggressive? Socially powerful? Less defensive? Self help books are awesome just figure out who you want to be.

5. Friends are great, plan two nights out a week maybe drinks, dinner, hiking, going to the park, find a coffee shop.

6. Look at groups that meet in your area in meetup.com see if any look fun.

7. Religious? Do you want to be? Groups are plentiful and are welcoming.

8. Like poetry? Look into poetry recitals at your Netanyahu college.

9. Like live music? Start going to shows and do some dancing.

10. Want to learn some Yoga? Free classes at many communities or gyms.

11. Depending I your area you can take up many seasonal hobbies including gardening, walking, festival going, antiquing. 

12. Try your hand at writing poetry remember this is for you it is a great outlet.

13. Want to learn some self defense?

14. How about learning to do some indoor rock climbing?

15. Do things online you will find forums and communities for all kinds of things try yahoo groups.

So these are just a few options you don't have to have money to do a lot if these u do many of them in little or no money. If you see one you really line but are worried about money ask me for some recommendations.

I was abused as a child it took me a long time to break those chains when
I did I found that I had nothing of myself that was not tied to that abuse. Who I was it was all the behaviors and hobbies I did because if the abuse. So when I left I realized I was a clean slate given that I could be anyone I wanted. You can as well.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's an awesome list, CEL. The only thing I would add specific to your situation (mainly the abuse) is to see if you can find a local support group for domestic abuse _survivors_ (notice I didn't say _victims_ - you are a survivor, Indie). I have been going to the one at my local YWCA for close to 2 years now. I've made some great friends, and since they have a kids' group that goes on at the same time, my son has, too. And these are friends that I've been able to socialize with outside the group, too. So a 2-for-1 benefit. :smthumbup:

It's really wonderful to connect with other women who understand your situation, your feelings, and who can help you to make new connections. My group has helped me so much, it's really quite amazing. 

If you don't have a local YWCA, call your local United Way (if you're in the U.S.. most decent-sized cities have a United way hotline that you reach by calling 211). They should be able to help you find resources for women in abusive relationships.


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