# I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do



## ufwm

I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it.... 

I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up. 

My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain. 

I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away. 

We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me. 

This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me. 

What do I do....


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## sokillme

You don't say much about the event but I suspect there was a relationship that lead up to this right? Someone didn't just show up on your doorstep. How long was the EA going on before you carried it into sex? Or was this the drunk at a bar variety?

Well either way you have to tell him and see what he wants. 

Some decisions in life have life long implications this is one of them. You have no idea yet. Even if you don't tell him, you are right, this was not who you were, but it is who you are now, you will know that. Next you have to decided if you also a person who hides it until eventually one day he will find out. At least if you come clean you stop the damage, not only to him but to yourself. 

Do you have kids? If not don't until this is worked through. If it is. 

I am very sad for you, and more so for your husband.


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## ufwm

"How long was the EA going on before you carried it into sex? Or was this the drunk at a bar variety?"

The latter... 

I know that he isn't going to want to stay with me when I tell him. Why should he.... I couldn't hide it from him.... He deserves better than that. As if I'm any person to decide that now.... We don't have any kids yet. We've been trying but no not yet.


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## Bibi1031

Well, you it once, what is to stop you from doing it again if you don't nip this in the bud by coming clean?

What exactly happened to lead you astray? There is always a reason for cheating. What was your reason? Hey are you so sure he will not forgive you? Most spouses do want to forgive, but you are going to carry most of the weight of repairing the marriage if he accepts to give you another chance. It will not be easy nor a sure thing that he will be able to heal and you both make a new marriage stronger, but are you willing to carry the majority of that weight?


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## Tameka

ufwm said:


> I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....
> 
> I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.
> 
> My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.
> 
> I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.
> 
> We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.
> 
> This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.
> 
> What do I do....


Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!


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## WilliamM

You must tell him.

In 1978 my wife screwed up and let a relative of mine who arrived at our door have sex with her. It thrilled her to be sought out, it excited her to have someone want her, it was naughty, and naughty does really excite her. That's the way she is.

But it crushed her. 

She told me as soon as I got home from work. If you do not tell your husband there is not a snowball's chance in hell you will save your marriage.

The other guys marriage exploded, and they got divorced. He was not the one to tell his wife.

My wife cried, she pleaded, she begged, she crawled, literally. She swore the moon to me. All hell broke loose before the dust settled. Yes, I exacted my own brand of crazy revenge, even. 

There is no telling how your husband will respond. What he may demand of you. I demanded sex morning and night, for years. I told her to find me a woman to have sex with. She failed, but it made her cry even more. That pleased me. 

I, myself, didn't even care that much about the sex, but the lies. That hurt. Wasn't sex with me exiting enough? No man could measure up to me, so what the hell was she thinking!

Mary grovelled for two years, and with the help of her psychiatrist I was able to forgive her, mostly. She has worked hard to make sure she never slips up again, and I work hard to keep her in line.

I will say I think someone so ashamed, who knows so much the wrong it is, might well be less inclined to do it again. I think of it as someone who has burned their hand is less likely to put their hand in the fire again. 

Mary said why she couldn't say no. She never tried to say it was missing with me. I inferred that. You must never say it was your husbands fault in any way. Always be sorry. Do not loose your sorrow.


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## ufwm

Bibi1031 said:


> Well, you it once, what is to stop you from doing it again if you don't nip this in the bud by coming clean?
> 
> What exactly happened to lead you astray? There is always a reason for cheating. What was your reason? Hey are you so sure he will not forgive you? Most spouses do want to forgive, but you are going to carry most of the weight of repairing the marriage if he accepts to give you another chance. It will not be easy nor a sure thing that he will be able to heal and you both make a new marriage stronger, but are you willing to carry the majority of that weight?


I'm not going to do it again.... I don't know how anyone could feel like this and do it again. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't want to hurt my husband further. I'm going to tell my husband.... I don't know how or when.... Do I wait until he comes home, or ruin his trip.... At least right now he's having fun.... 

I didn't know the guy.... I didn't plan on it. I almost never drink. I didn't plan on drinking. He approached me and I didn't tell him to go away. The way he talked made me feel comfortable and I said more than I should have. I liked the attention because it was lacking a little bit from my husband after we had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening as fast as we hoped. I liked the attention... That was too far, and I let it go further. It seems like it would have been better if it was an emotional affair first and I threw away my marriage for something seemingly real, but I threw it away for no one, for nothing. 

He could have a wife that would never cheat on him. He shouldn't want me when he can have someone else. He has more self-respect than that. I'd do anything to stay married and be happy again, but I don't know how that will be possible.


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## straightshooter

ufwm said:


> I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....
> 
> I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.
> 
> My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.
> 
> I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.
> 
> We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.
> 
> This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.
> 
> What do I do....


UFWM,

OK, lets start out with what I consider the poor advice that you should take this to your grave. It's obvious you are feeling very bad, and let me tell you, if you sit on this and not tell him, and then he either finds out later or you tell him down the road, it will be worse because he will then wonder how many times it happened other than once. 

Second, it appears that this probably happened at a GNO or party with other people around. If that is the case, and your husband knows these people who know or suspect what you have done,m then that will add to his feeling of emasculation when and if he finds out. 

Sounds like yours is a perfect example why books like :"Not Jus Friends" , which you may want to read, say that after the workplace, these BNO and GNO and separate vacations are the next most prevalent beginnings of infidelity. You are just like 95% of any other women who cheat at a bar or GNO in that very very few even think it is a possibility. Then mix some alcohol with a bunch of girlfriends acting like they are on Spring Brerak with a guy you get attracted to and this is where you are at.

If this happened with a co worker, you really have a bigger problem. So I hope that is not the case.

Now here is the good news. The majority of men DO NOT leave and divorce over the first incidence of infidelity. As a matter of fact, women initiate almost 70% of divorces in this country (US), so you can survive this. If you decide to do the right thing and confess, do NOT call it a mistake. A mistake is forgetting Tide at the grocery store. Drunk or not, taking off your clothes and getting in a bed with another man is a decision and you need to own that.

No one can predict the future or what he will do or if guilt will eat you alive. You have to decide that one. But if you do not confess, I suggest you better have a talk with anyone else who knows Andy not go out partying with them any more. If they encouraged you, they are not your friends.


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## ufwm

Tameka said:


> Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!


I can't do that to him... He deserves to know what I did and be with someone who would respect him more.... I couldn't pretend everything is fine for the rest of my life while he lives in the unknown.... I don't want to hurt him by telling him but I know I have to tell him....


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## GuyInColorado

I second take it to your grave. This means you cannot tell a living soul. Everyone has done something in their life at least once that they must do this with. I've done horrible things and not a single person but me knows. Everyone screws up. If you really love him and don't want to lose him, don't tell him. You will crush him and kill his soul if you tell him. The positives for not telling him outweigh the negatives in your case. Learn from your mistake and don't repeat.


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## WilliamM

I say I put Mary through two years of fire. After she came out of it, we found happiness. 

We are happy. I am glad we are still married. I deserve any woman I could want. I am certainly egotistical enough to believe that. I had many women chasing me when I choose Mary. 

I am very glad I kept her. We have done a ton of wild and crazy since then, yes. But I almost got rid of her. It would have destroyed my life to have gotten rid of her. 

Just make sure you never, not ever, loose your sorrow over what you did. Let him cheer you. Do not ever give him a chance to think you have forgotten.


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## ufwm

WilliamM said:


> You must tell him.
> 
> In 1978 my wife screwed up and let a relative of mine who arrived at our door have sex with her. It thrilled her to be sought out, it excited her to have someone want her, it was naughty, and naughty does really excite her. That's the way she is.
> 
> But it crushed her.
> 
> She told me as soon as I got home from work. If you do not tell your husband there is not a snowball's chance in hell you will save your marriage.
> 
> The other guys marriage exploded, and they got divorced. He was not the one to tell his wife.
> 
> My wife cried, she pleaded, she begged, she crawled, literally. She swore the moon to me. All hell broke loose before the dust settled. Yes, I exacted my own brand of crazy revenge, even.
> 
> There is no telling how your husband will respond. What he may demand of you. I demanded sex morning and night, for years. I told her to find me a woman to have sex with. She failed, but it made her cry even more. That pleased me.
> 
> I, myself, didn't even care that much about the sex, but the lies. That hurt. Wasn't sex with me exiting enough? No man could measure up to me, so what the hell was she thinking!
> 
> Mary grovelled for two years, and with the help of her psychiatrist I was able to forgive her, mostly. She has worked hard to make sure she never slips up again, and I work hard to keep her in line.
> 
> I will say I think someone so ashamed, who knows so much the wrong it is, might well be less inclined to do it again. I think of it as someone who has burned their hand is less likely to put their hand in the fire again.
> 
> Mary said why she couldn't say no. She never tried to say it was missing with me. I inferred that. You must never say it was your husbands fault in any way. Always be sorry. Do not loose your sorrow.


I liked the attention and having someone interested in me, and I let it go too far.... It was too far when I let him sit next to me and buy me a drink, but I took it further. I don't know when to tell him.... I don't want it to be worse because I waited until he was home, but I don't want to tell him when we can't really talk about it and he might never come home other than to take his things. I don't want him to find out from someone else, though no one else knows. 

I would do anything that my husband wanted if it meant he would try and forgive me.... I don't know how I'd ever be able to sleep in our bed again knowing I let another man into it. I wish I could burn the house down and destroy everything that reminds me of what I did. 

It's my fault, not his. I would never blame him....


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## EleGirl

Counselors/therapist are divided about 50/50 on whether or not someone should reveal infidelity to their spouse.

Those who say no, say that you do not reveal and instead make up to your spouse for the rest of your life by being the best wife you can be.

Those who say yes, say that a marriage requires 100% honesty and disclosure.

I have been cheated on in the past. In some ways I wish that I never knew. The pain is horrific. It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity. A fair number of marriages do recover, about 75% or so. And some become better if the couple works together to fix things.

In the end you have to decide this. And then once you tell him. He will decide whether he stays in the marriage or not.

It's a tough decision.


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## EleGirl

Oh, and you need to get tested for STDs


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## VladDracul

Ok UF, you ain't being forthcoming about how you got yourself into this predicament. You willingly went to a place ripe for people wanting to touch one another. You allow a man to approach you and seduce you. By your own admission, you said more than you should have. You, milady, allowed it and played the game only to be sorry after the fact. No doubt in my mind you were dressed in a seductive manner. Now tell us why you were out and about. We know it wasn't an accident that "just happened" Sounds to me like you were already primed for a little flirting with other guys. Could it be because your husband is somewhere else having a good time. Be honest and put your cards on the table. You husband is not going to believe, "I didn't know the gun was loaded" excuse either. Take my word for it.


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## commonsenseisn't

I disagree with those who say to take this secret to the grave. These people are assuming that this should be done to save the marriage, but what good does that do when you lose yourself by the very action that supposedly will save the marriage? 

When a person keeps a secret like this it amounts to living a lie and will consume and warp the person. I know from observing others on long term basis that this is true. 

For your own sake you must come clean and own your error. You may lose the marriage but that's not as bad as the damage of living a lie that you will do to yourself.


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## Bibi1031

Yeah the STD is a biggie. Was protection Used? You didn't take pills for birth control, so pregnancy could happen even when protection was used. Did you take the pill for the day after?


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## ufwm

straightshooter said:


> UFWM,
> 
> OK, lets start out with what I consider the poor advice that you should take this to your grave. It's obvious you are feeling very bad, and let me tell you, if you sit on this and not tell him, and then he either finds out later or you tell him down the road, it will be worse because he will then wonder how many times it happened other than once.
> 
> Second, it appears that this probably happened at a GNO or party with other people around. If that is the case, and your husband knows these people who know or suspect what you have done,m then that will add to his feeling of emasculation when and if he finds out.
> 
> Sounds like yours is a perfect example why books like :"Not Jus Friends" , which you may want to read, say that after the workplace, these BNO and GNO and separate vacations are the next most prevalent beginnings of infidelity. You are just like 95% of any other women who cheat at a bar or GNO in that very very few even think it is a possibility. Then mix some alcohol with a bunch of girlfriends acting like they are on Spring Brerak with a guy you get attracted to and this is where you are at.
> 
> If this happened with a co worker, you really have a bigger problem. So I hope that is not the case.
> 
> Now here is the good news. The majority of men DO NOT leave and divorce over the first incidence of infidelity. As a matter of fact, women initiate almost 70% of divorces in this country (US), so you can survive this. If you decide to do the right thing and confess, do NOT call it a mistake. A mistake is forgetting Tide at the grocery store. Drunk or not, taking off your clothes and getting in a bed with another man is a decision and you need to own that.
> 
> No one can predict the future or what he will do or if guilt will eat you alive. You have to decide that one. But if you do not confess, I suggest you better have a talk with anyone else who knows Andy not go out partying with them any more. If they encouraged you, they are not your friends.


I think he will already wonder how many times I betrayed him.... Fair enough, though. I deserve it. I am going to tell him, it's not something I can hide, I don't know how someone could.... 

I didn't know the guy, he wasn't a co-worker. I'd quit my job if he were.... I couldn't do that to my husband or myself. Or the guys wife if he was married. He was a random guy who I had never met before. I went out with a few friends because my husband was gone and I was lonely and bored. We went to a bar because the food there is amazing and we were craving it. No other reason. My friends are married as well. My friends left before I did and the guy approached me when they were gone. I was going to leave a few minutes after they did but didn't.... I let him buy me a drink, and then another. I have never had a one night stand before that, I'd never hooked up with a random guy. He was gone by the time I woke up.

I can't imagine my husband hearing what I did and wanting to stay with me.... He has said in the past that infidelity would be a deal breaker for him.


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## ufwm

WilliamM said:


> I say I put Mary through two years of fire. After she came out of it, we found happiness.
> 
> We are happy. I am glad we are still married. I deserve any woman I could want. I am certainly egotistical enough to believe that. I had many women chasing me when I choose Mary.
> 
> I am very glad I kept her. We have done a ton of wild and crazy since then, yes. But I almost got rid of her. It would have destroyed my life to have gotten rid of her.
> 
> Just make sure you never, not ever, loose your sorrow over what you did. Let him cheer you. Do not ever give him a chance to think you have forgotten.


I'm going to feel like **** and the worst person in the world for the rest of my life. I don't know how I could ever forget what I did to a really amazing husband.


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## GuyInColorado

Everyone should have at least one ONS under their belt. You just did it after you got married. Seriously, don't tell him. It was just sex. Is it really much different than your husband jerking off right now in his hotel to some girl at the strip club he saw earlier tonight? Sorry for being harsh, just being a little realistic. I also just listened to Daniel Tosh for a couple hours and I'm feeling a little edgy.


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## ufwm

EleGirl said:


> Counselors/therapist are divided about 50/50 on whether or not someone should reveal infidelity to their spouse.
> 
> Those who say no, say that you do not reveal and instead make up to your spouse for the rest of your life by being the best wife you can be.
> 
> Those who say yes, say that a marriage requires 100% honesty and disclosure.
> 
> I have been cheated on in the past. In some ways I wish that I never knew. The pain is horrific. It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity. A fair number of marriages do recover, about 75% or so. And some become better if the couple works together to fix things.
> 
> In the end you have to decide this. And then once you tell him. He will decide whether he stays in the marriage or not.
> 
> It's a tough decision.


I don't want to hurt him by telling him but he deserves to know.... I don't know how I could just let our marriage continue while hiding this. Let him come home to our house that I let another man into. Sleep together in our bed where I slept with another man.... It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.... If I can't even think about it without feeling the need to throw up (literally) I don't know how I will tell him, or how I'd live with it in secret. He's attentive, he'd know something is wrong.... I wish I had never done it.


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## ufwm

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and you need to get tested for STDs


I'm going to get tested. I called my doctor about it today and I was told to wait until the end of the week for testing because of an incubation period. I have never had an STD test done, I've never had a need to.... I'm terrified to have caught something.... anything. That was a huge reason I avoided casual sex before I was married, the fear.


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## WilliamM

Mary is happy. We have found the ability to be happy. 

If your husband can forgive you, then you can forgive you. 

It's just important to never get complacent. I've seen that, and I've seen people who cheat get mean, and then blame the loyal spouse. That is so evil. How they twist it that way makes no sense to me. The other guy tried to do that to his wife. That's the reason it's important to remain mindful of the fact you feel this sorrow.

If I ever remind my wife of her affair, she hangs her head in sorrow. She never tries to say, "So what, that was 39 years ago." Then I can hold her and kiss her and make her feel better. If she ever fails to feel sorry, then I would probably rage at her.

Which would really take her by surprise since we haven't ever had another fight since she came out of the fire in 1980. Hard to believe, but true. She has been better than a model wife. Simply amazing.


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## ufwm

VladDracul said:


> Ok UF, you ain't being forthcoming about how you got yourself into this predicament. You willingly went to a place ripe for people wanting to touch one another. You allow a man to approach you and seduce you. By your own admission, you said more than you should have. You, milady, allowed it and played the game only to be sorry after the fact. No doubt in my mind you were dressed in a seductive manner. Now tell us why you were out and about. We know it wasn't an accident that "just happened" Sounds to me like you were already primed for a little flirting with other guys. Could it be because your husband is somewhere else having a good time. Be honest and put your cards on the table. You husband is not going to believe, "I didn't know the gun was loaded" excuse either. Take my word for it.


I didn't go out with the intention of having sex with a stranger.... I wasn't dressed like a ****.... I did things wrong but I didn't go with the intention of being hit on or having sex.... It didn't "just happen" I know that, I let it happen. I was curious about being with another man.


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## WilliamM

I will say that Mary's total capitulation has been a concern to me. She has had therapy for reasons, and I have asked she speak with them about her being a bit too good to me. I know, odd, but hey, I believe in women's rights. Mary is pretty overboard. 

Anyway, I think you can find happiness after this. Yes, it is going to hurt for years. If you two make it, though, you can find happiness at the end of the hell.


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## ufwm

Bibi1031 said:


> Yeah the STD is a biggie. Was protection Used? You didn't take pills for birth control, so pregnancy could happen even when protection was used. Did you take the pill for the day after?


I'm going to be checked for STD's. I don't remember if a condom was used.... That's terrible to say I know. I took Plan B the morning after. I had my IUD removed when my husband and I wanted to start trying to get pregnant. I'm terrified for either of the tests to come back positive.


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## ufwm

GuyInColorado said:


> Everyone should have at least one ONS under their belt. You just did it after you got married. Seriously, don't tell him. It was just sex. Is it really much different than your husband jerking off right now in his hotel to some girl at the strip club he saw earlier tonight? Sorry for being harsh, just being a little realistic. I also just listened to Daniel Tosh for a couple hours and I'm feeling a little edgy.


He isn't jerking off into another woman.... Fantasy and actually doing it aren't the same thing.... It wasn't just sex, I betrayed my husband and our vows.


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## WilliamM

ufwm said:


> He isn't jerking off into another woman.... Fantasy and actually doing it aren't the same thing.... It wasn't just sex, I betrayed my husband and our vows.


Good girl.


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## ufwm

WilliamM said:


> I will say that Mary's total capitulation has been a concern to me. She has had therapy for reasons, and I have asked she speak with them about her being a bit too good to me. I know, odd, but hey, I believe in women's rights. Mary is pretty overboard.
> 
> Anyway, I think you can find happiness after this. Yes, it is going to hurt for years. If you two make it, though, you can find happiness at the end of the hell.


I'd do anything that my husband wants and kiss his ass for the rest of my life to try and make it up to him... If he'd stay with me I'd owe that to him. Watching him hurt is going to kill me. I have the same name.


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## JohnA

Hard lesson: it is up to you to protect your wedding vows by both your words and actions. Your wedding vows and ring do not protect you. We protect what we value by enacting and holding values, taking actions on a regular basis to maintain that which we want to preserve. Sit down and establish new boundaries.


----------



## mickybill

You will have a very tough time ahead. 
Not just the ONS but bringing the OM into your bed, is a huge FU to your H.
OK I get it if you are drunk and horny and you go out to the guys car or motel is a huge error in judgement, but to have unprotected (look for a condom or wrapper) sex with a stranger at your home is IMO 10x worse because it took some planning on your part. 

Keep posting here, your story is not original and the people here have seen or been involved in similar situations.
You will get both good and bad advice. 

Good luck to you.


----------



## Vinnydee

Never tell, that is selfish and it will only make things worse. You want to alleviate your guilt by dumping it on your husband. His world will change for the worse. Do you think he will be happier if he did not know or if he now knows he has a cheating wife that he has to forever be suspicious of? There is no upside to telling your husband. He is not going to think better of you for being honest Honey I want to be honest and tell you that I had sex with another man. Does that make you feel better since I told you rather than hid it. 

Do not tell him so you can feel better. That is all you are going to do. You will feel better and he will feel worse. Plus you put your marriage at risk. Nope, nada. Just suck it up and deal with your guilt. Look at it as your punishment. Then resolve never to do it again. So instead of rocking your husband's world, view of you, and your marriage, by confessing to being unfaithful, say nothing and do not cheat. Your marriage continues and as far as your husband goes, what he does not know, did not happen. You get to live happily ever after. If you tell him and he decides to stay with you, the best you will have is a suspicious husband who will accuse you of cheating every time you do something out of the usual. You will grow to resent his constant mistrust of you. Nothing good will come from telling him, except for you so you are both a cheat and selfish for dumping it all on your husband to not feel so guilty anymore.

Just do not do it anymore and your marriage stays the same. However, if your husband is away from home a lot each year, you may want to discuss an open marriage with him. I was gone 3 months of each year and as my wife said, what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. That is how we dealt with being away from each other for longer periods of time and we are happily married for over 44 years. My wife took on a steady girlfriend to play with and I dated a few other women. Not too often. You do not have to open your marriage but just put on your big girl panties and eat your guilt and let your husband enjoy his life rather than wreck it for your own purposes.

BTW, the first time I cheated I felt guilt too. I told my wife and yet I continued to cheat 4 more times in the same year. It was then that we opened up our marriage to save it. We chose our marriage over monogamy. So telling him is not going to stop you from cheating. As I said, there is no benefit to telling him. 44 years later and my wife still brings up the girl I cheated with and confessed to. She never forgot it and it is still a sore point for her. I changed her world and marriage due to that.


----------



## ufwm

mickybill said:


> You will have a very tough time ahead.
> Not just the ONS but bringing the OM into your bed, is a huge FU to your H.
> OK I get it if you are drunk and horny and you go out to the guys car or motel is a huge error in judgement, but to have unprotected (look for a condom or wrapper) sex with a stranger at your home is IMO 10x worse because it took some planning on your part.
> 
> Keep posting here, your story is not original and the people here have seen or been involved in similar situations.
> You will get both good and bad advice.
> 
> Good luck to you.


I know.... I want to burn our mattress. Really tempted to go out and buy a new one but that doesn't erase man's existence from our home, out bedroom, from me... I threw out the sheets. I haven't slept in our bed since last sleeping in it.... with the man I had a one night stand with. I barely remember how I let it happen. I do but I don't. It doesn't matter because I did let it happen and chose to take him to my home. I didn't find a condom or empty wrapper, and the guy was gone by the time I woke up. I really hope we did.... I found an unused condom in between the mattress and bed frame that I know wasn't ours because my husband and I have never used them. I have been tearing the house apart trying to find anything else... I don't want my husband to.... that'd be even worse...


----------



## WorkingWife

GuyInColorado said:


> Everyone should have at least one ONS under their belt. You just did it after you got married. Seriously, don't tell him. It was just sex. Is it really much different than your husband jerking off right now in his hotel to some girl at the strip club he saw earlier tonight? Sorry for being harsh, just being a little realistic. I also just listened to Daniel Tosh for a couple hours and I'm feeling a little edgy.


That might work for some people. Maybe men more than women. But the OP sounds like she will be consumed with guilt for the rest of her life if she hides this. She could keep her marriage but have the intimacy destroyed by this secret.


----------



## WorkingWife

It sounds like you have no choice but to tell him. It will eat you up if you don't.

I would not be so sure he will divorce you. I know he said infidelity is a deal breaker, but, in my mind at least, there is a difference between having bad boundaries and doing something horribly regrettable one drunken night, feeling immediate, horrible remorse, confessing and doing all you can to make it right -- and deliberately, sneaking around behind your spouse's back, lying to him repeatedly.

No matter how hard he takes the news, just remember it takes some time to actually get a divorce and his perspective will probably change during that time. I would get and read the book "Surviving an Affair" ASAP. If your husband is willing to stay with you that book has steps to take to make sure you are never even in a situation like that again.

I am really sorry for you. You are learning a lesson the hard way. Yes, you are the type of person who let this happen. But clearly you are not "that" type of person truly or you would not feel such shame and need to tell your husband. I've never cheated on anyone, but occasionally I have these horrible nightmares where the dream starts right after I had sex with someone that I didn't even like/want that much. Then I suddenly remember I'm married and here I am laying in this person's bed. And I'm thinking "What have I done? OMG What have I done?" It's the worst feeling and I am so relieved to wake up. I wish you could wake up from this, but you are going to just have to own it. I have a feeling it's an action you'll never repeat and if your husband sees how genuinely sick and sorry you are about this, that may help him know you hate what you did and never want to repeat it.

How long is he in the Dominican, BTW?





ufwm said:


> I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....
> 
> I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.
> 
> My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.
> 
> I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.
> 
> We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.
> 
> This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.
> 
> What do I do....


----------



## GusPolinski

He deserves to know.

End of story.


----------



## Kerf

GuyInColorado said:


> Everyone should have at least one ONS under their belt. You just did it after you got married. Seriously, don't tell him. It was just sex. Is it really much different than your husband jerking off right now in his hotel to some girl at the strip club he saw earlier tonight? Sorry for being harsh, just being a little realistic. I also just listened to Daniel Tosh for a couple hours and I'm feeling a little edgy.


WTF... Christ?No, you are not being _realistic _ at all and you contradict yourself.If it was just " nothing, only sex".Why shouldn't she tell him?



> Everyone should have at least one ONS under their belt. You just did it after you got married.


Terrible philosophy. Just terrible.

No, everyone shouldn't have a ONS just for the sake of having one.I never and don't feel like i _missed out_.

You know you can have great sex in an actual relationship and terrible outside of it, right?If you have a disappointing ONS, how many more do you _need to have_ to get it out of your system?Just don't get married, k?


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## breadfruit

UfWM I think a very crucial part for your husband is when he begins to ask you questions in order to put the pieces/puzzle together in his mind. He is going to be very analytical and everything you say or not say will mean something to him. One issue that will come up is "if you were so drunk" how were you able to drive him or lead him back to your house. It seems pretty intentional that if it was a drunken ONS that you would take a stranger back to the marital residence and in your marital bed, and to say you don't really remember what really happened or how it happened will make him rather suspicious and accuse you of lying. My point is you will or have might have some difficulty explaining or answering his questions, which will be rapid and many. Answers such as "I don't know or I don't remember" can be disastrous in these situations. So I'd advise to be as forthcoming and truthful as you possibly can be. Forget about trying to protect him- that's a misnomer I see used by wayward spouses and it creates far more bad than good. You are making the correct choice to tell him, and IMO one of the main reasons why I believe it is the right thing is that this happened in the marital home and bed. There is no way to keep this from him and not suffer mentally, emotionally and physically from such a guilt. I am sure it would seriously affect your intimacy with your husband as well knowing you slept with another man in the bed you both call the marital bed and he has no idea that you slept with another man in the bed you both have shared, making love, shared your secrets, joys, fears and in which you are trying to conceive your first child. It will make a difference if you tell him sooner than later. I have always held the opinion that it is never just the two people that know that they cheated; Someone else always saw something, they just minded their own business. Bottom line it's never a secret.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I don't want to hurt him by telling him but he deserves to know.... I don't know how I could just let our marriage continue while hiding this. Let him come home to our house that I let another man into. Sleep together in our bed where I slept with another man.... It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.... If I can't even think about it without feeling the need to throw up (literally) I don't know how I will tell him, or how I'd live with it in secret. He's attentive, he'd know something is wrong.... I wish I had never done it.


So, you flirted, let the OM in your home and the bed that you share with your H... and only felt the guilt after the fact.Or at least, you didn't feel it enough to matter.If you don't confess, it will happen again.

I assume this isn't the last time that you will be away from each-other?He needs to know that it's a problem for you.And there's the lying and hiding things, that will only enhance other problems in your marriage and lead the two of you to grow apart.

Even if you never do it again (very doubtful), one of the biggest problems in relationships is the communication issue.You can't try and hide the affair from your H and think that everything will work out.


----------



## Satya

Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband. 

I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home. 

He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you. 

I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there. 

Just too many fishy things that are being left out.


----------



## azteca1986

Satya said:


> Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband.
> 
> I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home.
> 
> He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you.
> 
> I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there.
> 
> *Just too many fishy things that are being left out.[*/QUOTE]Yes. OP hasn't admitted yet that she found OM attractive yet.
> 
> 
> ufwm said:
> 
> 
> 
> He approached me and I didn't tell him to go away. The way he talked made me feel comfortable and *I said more than I should have.* I liked the attention because it was lacking a little bit from my husband after we had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening as fast as we hoped.
> 
> 
> 
> This is where OP casually dropped into conversation that her husband was out of the country.
> 
> 
> ufwm said:
> 
> 
> 
> I went out with a few friends because my husband was gone and I was lonely and bored.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> OP, please don't say this to your poor betrayed husband. It'll make him think he literally can't leave you alone for a day or two before you want to find solace with a stranger.
> 
> I'm not trying to beat you up. After making a series of terrible choices think you're going to make a good one by confessing.The sooner you admit to yourself the truth about your choices and motivations on the night. You met a man, brought him home and slept with him, because, as you say you were curious. It's something you wanted to do. So be honest. You weren't thinking of you husband, his attitude to cheating or your marriage that night. Perhaps, OM voiced the idea that what your husband doesn't know won't hurt him. I expect it was only when you woke up alone and had no idea who you'd spent the night with (if that's true) that you first thought about what you'd done.
> 
> To give yourself the best chance of reconciliation, which will be entirely in your husband's hands now, be completely honest and don't minimise your actions or true feelings at the time.
> 
> Good luck.
Click to expand...


----------



## azteca1986

Satya said:


> Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband.
> 
> I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home.
> 
> He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you.
> 
> I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there.
> 
> *Just too many fishy things that are being left out.*


True. OP hasn't admitted that she found OM attractive yet. 


ufwm said:


> He approached me and I didn't tell him to go away. The way he talked made me feel comfortable and *I said more than I should have.* I liked the attention because it was lacking a little bit from my husband after we had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening as fast as we hoped.


This is where OP casually dropped into conversation that her husband was out of the country. 


ufwm said:


> I went out with a few friends because my husband was gone and I was lonely and bored.


OP, please don't say this to your poor betrayed husband. It'll make him think he literally can't leave you alone for a day or two before you want to find solace with a stranger.

I'm not trying to beat you up. After making a series of terrible choices think you're going to make a good one by confessing. The sooner you admit _to yourself_ the truth about your choices and motivations on the night, the better. You met a man, brought him home and slept with him, because, as you say you were curious. It's something you wanted to do. So be honest. You weren't thinking of you husband, his attitude to cheating or your marriage that night. Perhaps, OM voiced the idea that what your husband doesn't know won't hurt him. I expect it was only when you woke up alone and had no idea who you'd spent the night with (if that's true) that you first thought about what you'd done.

To give yourself the best chance of reconciliation, which will be entirely in your husband's hands now, be completely honest and don't minimise your actions or true feelings at the time.

Good luck.


----------



## straightshooter

ufwm said:


> I think he will already wonder how many times I betrayed him.... Fair enough, though. I deserve it. I am going to tell him, it's not something I can hide, I don't know how someone could....
> 
> I didn't know the guy, he wasn't a co-worker. I'd quit my job if he were.... I couldn't do that to my husband or myself. Or the guys wife if he was married. He was a random guy who I had never met before. I went out with a few friends because my husband was gone and I was lonely and bored. We went to a bar because the food there is amazing and we were craving it. No other reason. My friends are married as well. My friends left before I did and the guy approached me when they were gone. I was going to leave a few minutes after they did but didn't.... I let him buy me a drink, and then another. I have never had a one night stand before that, I'd never hooked up with a random guy. He was gone by the time I woke up.
> 
> I can't imagine my husband hearing what I did and wanting to stay with me.... He has said in the past that infidelity would be a deal breaker for him.


It doesn't matter to me OP, but are you really being HONEST with yourself in some of what you said. ??? Do you normally stay ALONE in a bar after all your friends leave or was this guy flirting with you and you made an excuse not to go when they did on purpose???? You say you were not drunk at that time. You can't tell your husband the truth if you are not truthful with yourself. 
And you say no one else knows. Well, mayb e they do not know you took him home but if you were flirting with him I bet they probably noticed that and the fact that you conveniently did not leave. I'm just asking, not judging, because if you confess you need to make it a TOTAL CONFESSION AND NOT PARTIAL. MANY TIMES WHAT IS CALLED TRICKLE TRUTH IS THE MARRIAGE KILLER NOT THE SEX.

Bringing into your marital bed is about as bad as it gets I'm sorry to say. You already know that but your husband is going to be really in most cases ( and you would be too) livid on this one. No need to say more. 

Leaving the confession aside, this man now knows where you live and what's the plan if your girlfriends want to go back to that restaurant. And does he have your phone number??? If yes, and has he tried to contact you???

So young lady, this has gotten a lot worse than a ONS that happened in a van outside the bar. Many consider bringing and affair partner into your home and marital bed the most disrespectful thing you can do.

Now despite any of this, do not pre judge what your husband is going to say or do. People have divorced from nothing other than online flirting type affairs, and people have reconciled from serial cheating. You just have to be prepared to accept the rage when it comes. Again, 90% of men probably say infidelity is an immediate deal breaker, but it does not work out that way.

What I recommend you do is
(1) write out a timeline, a totally TRUTHFUL one answering what I asked above about your intent about staying alone there. If you confess do not hold back ANYTHING thinking you are not hurting him more. It could be your undoing
(2) if you confess, especially if you think your girlfriends saw your behavior prior to leaving as flirty with him, you tell them AFTERWARDS. If they saw you, and left knowing you or this guy were eyeing each other up, and said nothing, they are not great friends. You do not even consider any more GNO for quite a while
(3) you pack a bag and offer to leave. Even if he tells you to go that does not mean divorce. 
(4) you offer a polygraph on your own to take his thought about other affairs away. He will say no but you offer anyway.

I would not even think about telling him this over the phone. But you better make plans on how to cut this OM off from being able to reach you if he has your contact information.


----------



## Kerf

Vinnydee said:


> Never tell, that is selfish and it will only make things worse. You want to alleviate your guilt by dumping it on your husband. His world will change for the worse. Do you think he will be happier if he did not know or if he now knows he has a cheating wife that he has to forever be suspicious of? There is no upside to telling your husband. He is not going to think better of you for being honest Honey I want to be honest and tell you that I had sex with another man. Does that make you feel better since I told you rather than hid it.
> 
> Do not tell him so you can feel better. That is all you are going to do. You will feel better and he will feel worse. Plus you put your marriage at risk. Nope, nada. Just suck it up and deal with your guilt. Look at it as your punishment. Then resolve never to do it again. So instead of rocking your husband's world, view of you, and your marriage, by confessing to being unfaithful, say nothing and do not cheat. Your marriage continues and as far as your husband goes, what he does not know, did not happen. You get to live happily ever after. If you tell him and he decides to stay with you, the best you will have is a suspicious husband who will accuse you of cheating every time you do something out of the usual. You will grow to resent his constant mistrust of you. Nothing good will come from telling him, except for you so you are both a cheat and selfish for dumping it all on your husband to not feel so guilty anymore.



Oh, god.... sigh...


*The affair itself is selfish.The self preservation after it, is selfish.Not wanting to face the consequences, is selfish.
*

*ufwm's* telling her H the truth, because she feels he deserves to know and/or will probably find out anyway, isn't what i'll call selfish.

Yes, her H will be hurt.She will be as well, because it was her actions that caused it and the possible divorce.But there's a chance they will heal together.Finding it out from the horse's mouth, is always better.*ufwm's* husband may believe that it truly will never happen again, because of her *honesty* and guilt.


What's the _upside_ in staying in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage by hiding/lying about things... until you do it again and get caught... and even if you don't? 


No, she will not


> get to live happily ever after.


by hiding things from, and lying to her spouse.It will not make their relationship anywhere close to happy.And she herself said it will not work:



> *He's attentive, he'd know something is wrong....*






> Just do not do it anymore and your marriage stays the same. However, if your husband is away from home a lot each year, you may want to discuss an open marriage with him.



The marriage will never be the same.And how is she gonna bring up the subject of opening up their marriage, without the affair being revealed in the process?Then it becomes "Not only does my wife not feel guilty about cheating on me, she wants to do it again and again..."




> BTW, the first time I cheated I felt guilt too. I told my wife and yet I continued to cheat 4 more times in the same year.


Well, there you go.Feeling guilty isn't enough to prevent it from happening again and again.... So her husband deserves to know, to make his choice.Or is it better for him to catch her in the act?



> So telling him is not going to stop you from cheating.


Neither is hiding and lying about it.And i disagree.Her husband's pain and knowing he will not buy any lies and flimsy excuses, might be enough to stop her.



> As I said, there is no benefit to telling him.


There is no real benefit in not telling, as i already explained.


----------



## straightshooter

UFWM,

Go back and read your posts young lady. You state that you never intended for this to happen but answer another poster in that "you were curious to see what it would be like to be with another man". That is why I asked you if you were being truthful with yourself. Yeah, you may have gotten drunk to reduce your inhibitions but it seems like you purposely stayed in that bar to fulfill your desire to have sex with another man before you got drunk.

That is why I said you need to be truthful to yourself and not tell your husband you fell victim to some super predator.. If you lie it will not ease your guilt. 

And by the way, those that tell you it is more than likely to happen again if you do not confess are correct. It means you will have gotten away with it.


----------



## TAM2013

Tameka said:


> Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!


This is not cool, OP. The OM knows where you live. What if he wants to make contact? What if he's married and his wife finds out? It could get 10x as nasty. What if you'r pregnant? You'd be under pressure to make your husband raise a kid that's not his.

I'm glad you think your ONS was foul. Don't make it worse.


----------



## Kerf

Satya said:


> Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband.
> 
> I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home.
> 
> He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you.
> 
> I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there.
> 
> Just too many fishy things that are being left out.



That is a good question.What happens if the OM does come back for more?What if he threatens to lie and exaggerate to her husband?


----------



## alexm

ufwm said:


> I know.... I want to burn our mattress. Really tempted to go out and buy a new one but that doesn't erase man's existence from our home, out bedroom, from me... I threw out the sheets. I haven't slept in our bed since last sleeping in it.... with the man I had a one night stand with. I barely remember how I let it happen. I do but I don't. It doesn't matter because I did let it happen and chose to take him to my home. I didn't find a condom or empty wrapper, and the guy was gone by the time I woke up. I really hope we did.... I found an unused condom in between the mattress and bed frame that I know wasn't ours because my husband and I have never used them. I have been tearing the house apart trying to find anything else... I don't want my husband to.... that'd be even worse...


Are you sure you actually had sex with him (intercourse)?

I mean, not that it makes it much better, but you know.


----------



## xxxSHxYZxxx

I would agree that if you truly are remorseful and you will never do it again then you shouldn't say anything however since it was in your bed that you share with your husband you have to tell him. 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM

Let me say ufwm, when I questioned, interrogated, my wife is when the really bad things started for us. My wife lies. It turns out she just lies, any time she is under pressure she lies. It was the lies that made it worse, and worse, and worse.

After a year I probably would have been happy to see her burned at the stake. The lies were killing me, they were killing us.

Do not lie to your husband. Do not withhold. Do not plan to keep anything from your husband. One hesitation and he will hate you for months, if not just walk out. When I was interrogating my wife when she hesitated I felt like forcing answers out of her, and I had to leave. I felt like leaving forever. The lies were the worst thing about it all.

I advise you to make no plans to withhold anything. When people say oh don't tell your husband this or that, ignore them. Be completely honest and open.

My wife is an extremely special case, and I did learn to live with her after the fire, but the fire was hot. The fire nearly consumed everything. If the fire had been much hotter it could have killed us. There was a time her lies made me feel there was no hope. Every time she hesitated it fed the flames. Every time I discovered she had left something out the flames roared ever higher. 

You can see terms constantly like "trickle truth" and "lies by omission" to see the opinions on issues like this. I am certainly far from alone in seeing these are huge problems. Truly huge problems in trying to Reconcile. Do not commit these sins on top of the one you have already committed. 

I suggest you do not try to think before you answer anything. Do not hesitate for an instant about anything.

Complete transparency is your only hope. That's what I think, as a man who has lived through this, just as your husband must.


----------



## jld

I definitely think you should tell him, OP. Who wants or could even bear having that on their conscience?

And if he truly loves you, he will not just walk out, no questions asked. He may decide the marriage cannot continue, and you would be wise to simply respect his decision. 

But a mature man who loves you is going to consider all possible factors, not just the fact of your infidelity.

You mention you were curious about being with another man. Was your husband your first?

Again, that is something a mature man who wants to build a life with you is going to consider. We do not live in a time anymore when most people marry after only being with one person. 

I am not promoting promiscuity, btw. Far from it. But a certain level of curiosity is not exactly hard to imagine. 

And hanging out in bars without your husband was not wise, especially when your girlfriends left. 

You did something very risky and quite frankly, very foolish, OP. It sounds like you realize that. 

Just coming to terms with that in yourself is going to be enough work. Let your husband have his own reaction, and come to his own decision.

Please do not try to control it in any way by begging him to stay. If he needs to go, please, for your own sake, just let him.


----------



## arbitrator

*I'm sorry, but a confession, per se, is usually going to include the elements of how, who, what, where, when, and why! 

Who was the OM? Do you both know him? Do you work with him? Is he a family member? Until there's details, how can we logically conclude that a "crime" has been committed?

To assist in helping you with your problem, I would think that my TAM cohorts would need access to all of that info! A counselor definitely would!

And your husband definitely has the unequivocal and the unfettered right to know!*


----------



## TAM2013

jld said:


> I definitely think you should tell him, OP. Who wants or could even bear having that on their conscience?
> 
> *And if he truly loves you*, he will not just walk out, no questions asked. He may decide the marriage cannot continue, and you would be wise to simply respect his decision.
> 
> But *a mature man who loves you* is going to consider all possible factors, not just the fact of your infidelity.
> 
> You mention you were curious about being with another man. Was your husband your first?
> 
> Again, that is something* a mature man who wants to build a life with you is going to consider*. We do not live in a time anymore when most people marry after only being with one person.
> 
> I am not promoting promiscuity, btw. Far from it. But a certain level of curiosity is not exactly hard to imagine.
> 
> And hanging out in bars without your husband was not wise, especially when your girlfriends left.
> 
> You did something very risky and quite frankly, very foolish, OP. It sounds like you realize that.
> 
> Just coming to terms with that in yourself is going to be enough work. Let your husband have his own reaction, and come to his own decision.
> 
> Please do not try to control it in any way by begging him to stay. If he needs to go, please, for your own sake, just let him.


Again, more digs at victims. Good job he's not here to see it. Next we'll hear "If he divorces you, good riddance. You deserve better."

No kids involved. Has it ever occurred to the victim shamers that a mature man would walk instantly? A real man would have the options to start again? A confident man would be the one demanding better? And only someone desperate with no other options or an ageing player with more to hide would stick around?


----------



## alexm

straightshooter said:


> UFWM,
> 
> Go back and read your posts young lady. You state that you never intended for this to happen but answer another poster in that "you were curious to see what it would be like to be with another man". That is why I asked you if you were being truthful with yourself. Yeah, you may have gotten drunk to reduce your inhibitions but it seems like you purposely stayed in that bar to fulfill your desire to have sex with another man before you got drunk.
> 
> That is why I said you need to be truthful to yourself and *not tell your husband you fell victim to some super predator.. If you lie it will not ease your guilt.*
> 
> And by the way, those that tell you it is more than likely to happen again if you do not confess are correct. It means you will have gotten away with it.


Great post ^

I think OP is having remorse, not just over the fact that she did it, but that it was 'planned' a little more than she's making out - and that's no offense to her.

It's easy to blame it on having a few drinks, but that tends to only lower inhibitions and results in people doing something they want to do in the first place, but don't necessarily have the courage to do while sober.

Again, I mean no offense to the OP specifically, but this type of personality is the most dangerous to a marriage, IMO. The one in which a scenario such as this isn't "planned", per se, but it's very much there in the first place. And the end result is "I didn't mean to".

Look - husband's out of town, OP is lonely and bored. She goes out with girlfriends. All that is okay, and perfectly normal. BUT... sticking around, by herself, after her friends have left? For what reason?

People go to (or stay at) bars alone for two reasons - to be social and/or to get laid.

IMO, this was on purpose. That wasn't because she just wasn't ready to go home. Whether one likes it or not, a person (not just a woman) in a bar/pub, alone, is sending out the message that they're there for a reason. We all know this.

And OP was approached, offered a drink, and accepted. This really isn't "one thing led to another". She may not have expected, or hoped for, this to happen, but she was obviously already open to the idea.

If (a huge IF) I were ever in a bar by myself, and was approached by a woman, there's no way in hell I'd engage her unless I was looking for an ego boost. Which I wouldn't be. And if she offered me a drink? Good lord, no. That literally means one thing, and one thing only. And it's not "you look interesting, and I would like to be friends with you".

It may not have been a _plan_, but it certainly wasn't avoided.


----------



## Malaise

You did it in your marital bed. Another layer of pain for your H.


----------



## ufwm

WorkingWife said:


> It sounds like you have no choice but to tell him. It will eat you up if you don't.
> 
> I would not be so sure he will divorce you. I know he said infidelity is a deal breaker, but, in my mind at least, there is a difference between having bad boundaries and doing something horribly regrettable one drunken night, feeling immediate, horrible remorse, confessing and doing all you can to make it right -- and deliberately, sneaking around behind your spouse's back, lying to him repeatedly.
> 
> No matter how hard he takes the news, just remember it takes some time to actually get a divorce and his perspective will probably change during that time. I would get and read the book "Surviving an Affair" ASAP. If your husband is willing to stay with you that book has steps to take to make sure you are never even in a situation like that again.
> 
> I am really sorry for you. You are learning a lesson the hard way. Yes, you are the type of person who let this happen. But clearly you are not "that" type of person truly or you would not feel such shame and need to tell your husband. I've never cheated on anyone, but occasionally I have these horrible nightmares where the dream starts right after I had sex with someone that I didn't even like/want that much. Then I suddenly remember I'm married and here I am laying in this person's bed. And I'm thinking "What have I done? OMG What have I done?" It's the worst feeling and I am so relieved to wake up. I wish you could wake up from this, but you are going to just have to own it. I have a feeling it's an action you'll never repeat and if your husband sees how genuinely sick and sorry you are about this, that may help him know you hate what you did and never want to repeat it.
> 
> How long is he in the Dominican, BTW?


I know that I have to tell him. I'm scared that he will start up the divorce process, we separate and he'll find someone new that won't cheat on him.... That's probably not hard to find. A cheater can't compare with someone who hasn't cheated and won't cheat. I'll read that book, though.... 

I don't think anyone should be sorry for me.... I did this to myself.... 

He's in the Dominican until Thursday.


----------



## SunCMars

ufwm said:


> I can't do that to him... He deserves to know what I did and be with someone who would respect him more.... I couldn't pretend everything is fine for the rest of my life while he lives in the unknown.... I don't want to hurt him by telling him but I know I have to tell him....


*Well, it is either take it to the grave or take it to Divorce Court. *

Pick one! :frown2:

Your man is going to do these things:

a) Yell, moan and scream. Call you names. Maybe not immediately, but this is coming.
b) Leave you
c) Have an affair of his own...or many thereafter.
d) Never look at you the same, again. Never. You will always be tainted in his mind. He will stop doing the small nice things that he did before.
e) He will have terrible mind movies of you and your cheater pal, locked in each other's arms.
f) He will be checking up on your every move. Wanting to know where you have been, with who and how long.
g) He will be worried later that you may have contracted some disease and will give it to him.
10) He may eventually not want any sex with you.

All of this or part of this is coming if you tell him. 

My opinion? I think you will lose him. If not today, next month or two.

What are the chances that he will find out later, from somebody else, something else? This must affect your decision.

If you can keep your legs together [with other men] for the rest of your life, I would go with silence.

Mine is a minority opinion. And, yes, if I were your husband I would definitely want to know. And I would leave you, immediately.


----------



## ufwm

breadfruit said:


> UfWM I think a very crucial part for your husband is when he begins to ask you questions in order to put the pieces/puzzle together in his mind. He is going to be very analytical and everything you say or not say will mean something to him. One issue that will come up is "if you were so drunk" how were you able to drive him or lead him back to your house. It seems pretty intentional that if it was a drunken ONS that you would take a stranger back to the marital residence and in your marital bed, and to say you don't really remember what really happened or how it happened will make him rather suspicious and accuse you of lying. My point is you will or have might have some difficulty explaining or answering his questions, which will be rapid and many. Answers such as "I don't know or I don't remember" can be disastrous in these situations. So I'd advise to be as forthcoming and truthful as you possibly can be. Forget about trying to protect him- that's a misnomer I see used by wayward spouses and it creates far more bad than good. You are making the correct choice to tell him, and IMO one of the main reasons why I believe it is the right thing is that this happened in the marital home and bed. There is no way to keep this from him and not suffer mentally, emotionally and physically from such a guilt. I am sure it would seriously affect your intimacy with your husband as well knowing you slept with another man in the bed you both call the marital bed and he has no idea that you slept with another man in the bed you both have shared, making love, shared your secrets, joys, fears and in which you are trying to conceive your first child. It will make a difference if you tell him sooner than later. I have always held the opinion that it is never just the two people that know that they cheated; Someone else always saw something, they just minded their own business. Bottom line it's never a secret.


I get nervous when I'm being questioned and often can't think of what I want or need to say, say something stupid or just inaccurate or mumble. It would be easy for me to say the wrong thing because I just try and spit something out. He's going to be mad and hurt and a million other things and I'm probably going to suck at telling him what he wants to know.... If he even sticks around long enough to ask questions. 

I wish it didn't happen in our bed... If it had to happen (and it didn't) I wish it could have been anywhere else.


----------



## harrybrown

Before he comes home, write out what happened so that you can give him the information in writing.


Think about some of the questions he will ask and answer the questions.

What is his name? 

Was he better looking than me? Was he bigger?

why did you not leave with your friends?

what was so valuable to him( your H), you gave away for selfish lust.

You were curious? did you talk to him about this before you acted?

why this OM? 

Doing this in your home and in your bed shows anger and resentment with your H.

Do you work? Do you have your own separate money? Buy a plan at affairs recovery.com.


Your OM has already bragged to his friends about you and how easy you were.

If he sees you again, he will point you out for his friends.

I do think he will come back to your house. Did he take any items from your house like your nightie?


----------



## jld

ufwm said:


> I get nervous when I'm being questioned and often can't think of what I want or need to say, say something stupid or just inaccurate or mumble. It would be easy for me to say the wrong thing because I just try and spit something out. He's going to be mad and hurt and a million other things and I'm probably going to suck at telling him what he wants to know.... If he even sticks around long enough to ask questions.
> 
> I wish it didn't happen in our bed... If it had to happen (and it didn't) I wish it could have been anywhere else.


Write him a letter. That will give you time to think about what you want to say.

But OP, please let go of the outcome. If he chooses to leave, please just let him go.


----------



## sokillme

The only thing more selfish then cheating on a person is continuing to cheat by living a selfish lie. How can you truly love a person and take away their informed consent to stay in a marriage that has been broken. I really can't think of a much more horrible way to treat another human being that you supposedly love. 

But then again most cheaters are supremely selfish or they wouldn't cheat in the first place.


----------



## arbitrator

ufwm said:


> I know that I have to tell him.*I'm scared that he will start up the divorce process, we separate and he'll find someone new that won't cheat on him....* That's probably not hard to find. A cheater can't compare with someone who hasn't cheated and won't cheat. I'll read that book, though....
> 
> I don't think anyone should be sorry for me.... I did this to myself....
> 
> He's in the Dominican until Thursday.


*That's just a concerted chance that you have to take whenever you most willingly and lasciviously drop your drawers in the presence of the OM, right in the very same venue as your own marriage bed!

And could you possibly blame your husband?*


----------



## ufwm

Satya said:


> Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband.
> 
> I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home.
> 
> He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you.
> 
> I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there.
> 
> Just too many fishy things that are being left out.


OM is "Other Man', right? He wouldn't do that would he? He knew that I'm married. It came up in conversation....He asked me about it and asked and said the right things for me to say something negative about my husband. I was wearing my wedding rings, which makes me feel worse that I was wearing them when I was with another man. They came off at same point because I wasn't wearing them when I woke up, which again makes me feel worse. I have no memory of taking them off but I did and can't believe I did that. I haven't put them back on because I don't think I deserve to wear them. 

I know that I was very stupid to be with a stranger, and take him into my house.... I don't know why I did that... I rarely even answer the door if someone rings the doorbell. I swear to god that was the first time I have met him.... I didn't drive home and very vaguely remember going home. I did, so it doesn't matter. I live very close to that bar, basically across the street.


----------



## ufwm

arbitrator said:


> *That's just a concerted chance that you have to take whenever you most willingly and lasciviously drop your drawers in the presence of the OM, right in the very same venue as your own marriage bed!
> 
> And could you possibly blame your husband?*


I'm not blaming my husband....


----------



## arbitrator

ufwm said:


> OM is "Other Man', right? He wouldn't do that would he? He knew that I'm married. It came up in conversation....He asked me about it and asked and said the right things for me to say something negative about my husband. I was wearing my wedding rings, which makes me feel worse that I was wearing them when I was with another man. They came off at same point because I wasn't wearing them when I woke up, which again makes me feel worse. I have no memory of taking them off but I did and can't believe I did that. I haven't put them back on because I don't think I deserve to wear them.
> 
> I know that I was very stupid to be with a stranger, and take him into my house.... I don't know why I did that... I rarely even answer the door if someone rings the doorbell. I swear to god that was the first time I have met him.... I didn't drive home and very vaguely remember going home. I did, so it doesn't matter. I live very close to that bar, basically across the street.


*Exactly how did you come to meet a "stranger" who was more than willing to "take you" right there in the sanctity of your very own marriage bed?*


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Let this story serve as a warning to husbands. If your wife is having any issues related to producing viable offspring, keep an eye out for infidelity. I'm not saying all women will do it, but it seems the chances increase. These issues include: infertility, impotence, miscarriage, children born with special needs. There's a chance your wife's primitive nature will take over, and she might look for alternative ways to produce viable offspring.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> OM is "Other Man', right? He wouldn't do that would he? He knew that I'm married. It came up in conversation....He asked me about it and asked and said the right things for me to say something negative about my husband. I was wearing my wedding rings, which makes me feel worse that I was wearing them when I was with another man. They came off at same point because I wasn't wearing them when I woke up, which again makes me feel worse. I have no memory of taking them off but I did and can't believe I did that. I haven't put them back on because I don't think I deserve to wear them.
> 
> I know that I was very stupid to be with a stranger, and take him into my house.... I don't know why I did that... I rarely even answer the door if someone rings the doorbell. I swear to god that was the first time I have met him.... I didn't drive home and very vaguely remember going home. I did, so it doesn't matter. I live very close to that bar, basically across the street.


There's no telling what the OM will or not do.We don't know him and neither do you.All we know is that he is ****ty enough to manipulate married women into talking trash about their H's and then bang them in their shared bed.

And your story keeps getting worse.Now you were discussing your poor hubby's perceived faults and shortcomings behind his back with your ONS?

You need to confess now.You can't hide from your problems.They will only get bigger.Don't wait till OM resurfaces or your H suspects and calls you out.


----------



## Secondguessing

If you do tell him, expect consequences. At the very least, you have to wonder if he will ever be able to trust you again. My stbxw also cheated in our bed and had unprotected sex - this will definitely exasperate things for him. I'd say its probably in the best interests of your marriage to not tell him but only because you do present as remorseful and ONS are quite different from affairs that start with EA and lead to PA.

I vote go, sin no more and take it to your grave.


----------



## Be smart

I think you are lying my Lady. There is more to your story. 

Dont blame it on alcohol. You are grow up,Married not some 16-18 year old. 

Here is what I think happend. 

You went to a bar with your Friends. You saw this good loking guy that night,maybe you saw him before.
After your Friends left you stayed there on your own,on purpose. You acepted drinks from him,tell bad stories about your Husband because he "made you you said". This is wrong. 
He asked you if you were Married and you said yes you are,but you STAYED THERE. You could walk to your Home long time ago but you STAYED THERE. 

You drove him to your Home or tell him which way is your Home. Your excuse about being drunk is stupid,sorry to say that. 

You slept with him in your Home in your Husbands bed. Didnt use any protection. Maybe he gave you HIV,maybe you are pregnant with his baby.

Your Husband deserves to know the truth and please dont sleep with him. If you love him like you said you did then think about his health. 

Do your Friends know about your Affair ???


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I can't do that to him... He deserves to know what I did and be with someone who would respect him more.... I couldn't pretend everything is fine for the rest of my life while he lives in the unknown.... I don't want to hurt him by telling him but I know I have to tell him....


The truth shall set you free. However, it will probably end your marriage. For this I'm sorry. Consider STD testing as well. If you have contracted and your H gets an STD from you then things will probably turn very ugly.


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I don't want to hurt him by telling him but he deserves to know.... I don't know how I could just let our marriage continue while hiding this. Let him come home to our house that I let another man into. Sleep together in our bed where I slept with another man.... It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.... If I can't even think about it without feeling the need to throw up (literally) I don't know how I will tell him, or how I'd live with it in secret. He's attentive, he'd know something is wrong.... I wish I had never done it.


Oh my, used your marital bed for this ONS? Yes, it will not go well for you.


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I know.... I want to burn our mattress. Really tempted to go out and buy a new one but that doesn't erase man's existence from our home, out bedroom, from me... I threw out the sheets. I haven't slept in our bed since last sleeping in it.... with the man I had a one night stand with. I barely remember how I let it happen. I do but I don't. It doesn't matter because I did let it happen and chose to take him to my home. I didn't find a condom or empty wrapper, and the guy was gone by the time I woke up. I really hope we did.... I found an unused condom in between the mattress and bed frame that I know wasn't ours because my husband and I have never used them. I have been tearing the house apart trying to find anything else... I don't want my husband to.... that'd be even worse...


This post right here indicates to me you will have what has occurred in your H absence written all over your face. I sense you just do not have it in your to keep this secret forever. Shows some moral compass ever after a poor decision at a bar. 

However, as others and myself have mentioned...taking this OM home and conducting the ONS in the marital bed will be the undoing of this marriage. The entire house, in your H mind, will be defiled.


----------



## rockon

Malaise said:


> You did it in your marital bed. *Another layer of pain* for your H.


Big time.

I found out after I broke up with my ex fiancee that she would invite her BF over when I took her daughter to lunch and a movie. 

In my house. In my bed.

And we were intimate later that night.

How can one person be so cruel.


----------



## uhtred

OP, you will get a lot of opinions.
I'll add one more. Don't tell him - but you need to make sure that never happens again. I suggest a rule for yourself that you never drink unless you are with your husband. Never - for the rest of your life. I think if you hadn't been drinking, you wouldn't have done this. 



Its not so hard, for reasons of my own, I never drink alcohol.


----------



## Malaise

uhtred said:


> OP, you will get a lot of opinions.
> I'll add one more. Don't tell him - but you need to make sure that never happens again. I suggest a rule for yourself that you never drink unless you are with your husband. Never - for the rest of your life. I think if you hadn't been drinking, you wouldn't have done this.
> 
> 
> 
> Its not so hard, for reasons of my own, I never drink alcohol.


And if she never drinks alone again I would avoid that bar like the plague. They will either see OM there, or one of his friends, or someone who saw the two of them and will say something to the H.


----------



## Yeswecan

uhtred said:


> OP, you will get a lot of opinions.
> I'll add one more. Don't tell him - but you need to make sure that never happens again. I suggest a rule for yourself that you never drink unless you are with your husband. Never - for the rest of your life. I think if you hadn't been drinking, you wouldn't have done this.
> 
> 
> 
> Its not so hard, for reasons of my own, I never drink alcohol.


I don't think the OP is capable of holding this in. I get this from a few posts OP has posted. In fact, I get the real sense that once H comes through the door from his trip the confession will start immediately.


----------



## syhoybenden

Yeswecan said:


> I don't think the OP is capable of holding this in. I get this from a few posts OP has posted. In fact, I get the real sense that once H comes through the door from his trip the confession will start immediately.


One can only hope.


----------



## ufwm

TAM2013 said:


> I can. Shame them into accepting it if they won't. "If you loved me you'd stay, be a man", but bang on brother.
> 
> Talking of Bro Code; round here it's customary to let the cheating wifes husband know and H (or boyfriend) buys the beer as a thank you for the heads up. They ain't got far to walk.


I wouldn't say that to my husband.... And I can't imagine him ever going for a beer with a man I had sex with.... I don't ever want them to meet.


----------



## ufwm

Tatsuhiko said:


> Let this story serve as a warning to husbands. If your wife is having any issues related to producing viable offspring, keep an eye out for infidelity. I'm not saying all women will do it, but it seems the chances increase. These issues include: infertility, impotence, miscarriage, children born with special needs. There's a chance your wife's primitive nature will take over, and she might look for alternative ways to produce viable offspring.


We have been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant but that isn't why I did it.... I don't want to get pregnant by a man who is not my husband. I don't know what I'd do if I got pregnant this month. I used Plan B but I'd still worry about it not being my husbands.


----------



## snerg

ufwm said:


> I don't know why I did that


Yes you do.

*BECAUSE*

That truly is the answer boiled down to it's most simple and pure form.

But you better have better answer than that *because* that answer won't fly with your BS.



ufwm said:


> OM is "Other Man', right? He wouldn't do that would he? He knew that I'm married. It came up in conversation....He asked me about it and asked and said the right things for me to say something negative about my husband.


Wow, that is telling. So he smooth talks you for a few minutes and you *choose * to say something negative about your BS. Wow.




ufwm said:


> I was wearing my wedding rings, which makes me feel worse that I was wearing them when I was with another man. They came off at same point because I wasn't wearing them when I woke up,


So let me get this straight:
1) BS is out of the country - no way possible to interfere
2) You go out on a GNO cause you're lonely
3) When this guy presented himself, you go hunting for him.
4) You stay after all your friends leave to see if he is interested in more
5) you take him to your house - you know the one you share with you BS
6) You have sex
7) Not only do you have sex, you have it in your marital bed
8) Let's be honest here - no protection- cause why stop for that inconvenience.
9) you at some point take off your rings cause now you're not a married woman having sex, you're a single woman having a ONS

There are a lot of deliberate choices being made

Sounds like there's a lot more issues in your marriage then you're letting on.

This feels almost like an exit affair that didn't go as expected (of course I can be way off but it is very much like what happened to a friend)


----------



## ufwm

uhtred said:


> OP, you will get a lot of opinions.
> I'll add one more. Don't tell him - but you need to make sure that never happens again. I suggest a rule for yourself that you never drink unless you are with your husband. Never - for the rest of your life. I think if you hadn't been drinking, you wouldn't have done this.
> 
> 
> 
> Its not so hard, for reasons of my own, I never drink alcohol.


I hardly ever drink. Once this year, once was enough... I don't think I've drank any amount more than 10-15 times in my life. That was my first time being hungover.... I'm not a drinker, it wouldn't be hard to stop...


----------



## ufwm

arbitrator said:


> *Exactly how did you come to meet a "stranger" who was more than willing to "take you" right there in the sanctity of your very own marriage bed?*


I had never met him before.... I swear to god.. A lot of the replies here hurt and make me sit here crying but I know I deserve that and it'll be 10x worse with my husband.

He wanted one thing... And I guess I was stupid and easy. I have never been "used" before. He was gone when I woke up and I was happy about that but it also just adds to me feeling like ****. Again, I deserve that.


----------



## rockon

ufwm said:


> I used Plan B but I'd still worry about it not being my husbands.


Forgive me if I missed it but are you saying you used no protection?


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> That is a good question.What happens if the OM does come back for more?What if he threatens to lie and exaggerate to her husband?


That's terrifying.... I don't want him to ever have contact with my husband, or me again. I doubt he'd want more, and I wouldn't do it again. I know that doesn't mean much, because I said that before and did it.


----------



## ufwm

alexm said:


> Are you sure you actually had sex with him (intercourse)?
> 
> I mean, not that it makes it much better, but you know.


I'm sure. I wish I could say that I didn't. I remember doing it, not well but I remember it, and I could feel it when I woke up.


----------



## ufwm

rockon said:


> Forgive me if I missed it but are you saying you used no protection?


I don't remember... I hope I did but I can't remember at all and there wasn't an open condom wrapper laying around or a used one in the garbage. There was an unopened one wedged between the mattress and siderails of the bed frame, but that doesn't help me... I know that's disgusting...


----------



## arbitrator

ufwm said:


> I had never met him before.... I swear to god.. A lot of the replies here hurt and make me sit here crying but I know I deserve that and it'll be 10x worse with my husband.
> 
> He wanted one thing... And I guess I was stupid and easy. I have never been "used" before. He was gone when I woke up and I was happy about that but it also just adds to me feeling like ****. Again, I deserve that.


*M'dear! Regardless, you owe your H the full story!

Might I suggest for you to make a visit to a good individual counselor though before you break the news to your H! It might help you!

And do get checked out by your MD for the presence of any latent STD's!*


----------



## Yeswecan

rockon said:


> Forgive me if I missed it but are you saying you used no protection?


Un-used condom found on the floor or some such. OP does not use condoms with H. They are attempting to have a child. :|


----------



## jld

arbitrator said:


> *M'dear! Regardless, you owe your H the full story!
> 
> Might I suggest for you to make a visit to a good individual counselor though before you break the news to your H! It might help you!
> 
> And do get checked out by your MD for the presence of any latent STD's!*


This.

Can you see a counselor today, OP?

You need to tell your husband soon, imo. But professional advice first could be very helpful.


----------



## mickybill

Will you tell your H as soon as he returns from his trip or keep it a secret forever...You need to decide that right away. Before he comes home. You will get both opinions here.

The first thing many husbands want to do when they get home is to be with their wife.
So you should be prepared to deal with going to bed (the bed shared with OM) with your clueless husband, or refusing to do that until you tell him.

After that bomb s dropped the WHY question will come up.
Unless you were drugged with a roofie you need to understand that you did this because at the time you wanted to. Do you often say att he bar lone when your friends have left?
You were not hypnotized, played or tricked, you were a willing participant, a grown woman who knows why single people hang out in bars. You were in the mood for some excitement, some side sex with a new man. You may have been drinking but you had many many chances to stop that train and go home. Your friends left you or you encouraged them (maybe they know what you were doing and were ok with it) to leave so you could continue talking flirting, drinking with the OM.

This you need to come to grips with and take responsibility for.

You have a couple days to write down what happened, H will want to know.
Get tested for STD
Do you bar friends know what happened?
Try to eat and drink water, no booze.
Try to sleep.
Post here if you feel it helps. We are not emotionally involved and see things differently than you and H will.

Understand that you are at the beginning of a long and difficult path. Some M survive, some don't. 

Good luck to you and H


----------



## Yeswecan

UFWM,

You have arrived here as a result of a bad choice. Getting drunk is never an excuse for a ONS. There has been many opinions on what you should do and not do. There has been plenty of bashing for the poor choice. The question at this juncture, what is your head telling you should do when you H arrives home Thursday? If you do plan on confessing now is a good time to lay the framework. I would like to say a few things concerning the confessing:

1. Don't minimize to save hurting your H even more
2. Tell all with time line. No trickle truth
3. Understand you will be called everything under the sun. Similar to what you would call you H if he had a ONS in your marital bed. 
4. Please keep posting here. If not for some advise, a place to vent a bit.
5. Sorry this has happened. Learn from it.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I hardly ever drink. Once this year, once was enough... I don't think I've drank any amount more than 10-15 times in my life. That was my first time being hungover.... I'm not a drinker, it wouldn't be hard to stop...


How old are you?


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I had never met him before.... I swear to god.. A lot of the replies here hurt and make me sit here crying but I know I deserve that and it'll be 10x worse with my husband.
> 
> He wanted one thing... And I guess I was stupid and easy. I have never been "used" before. He was gone when I woke up and I was happy about that but it also just adds to me feeling like ****. Again, I deserve that.


One thing you need to think about is, so what if he left, in your mind would what you been better if he didn't? Your thinking is wrong on this, it's still about how you felt. How much of this regret you feel now is just that is obvious you were being used. Your mind should have been on your husband, and your vow, and most definitely your honor. Why wasn't it?

Where would you have you been if you woke up and he was there next to you telling you how wonderful the night was, where would this have gone then? You need to think about what kind of person you are to even get to that point. Where would your husband have been then? This is a kind of magic thinking you were having about something that is monstrous to your spouse. Why is that, is it because you are immature? Is it because you are callous? That is the thing that is always missing from cheaters. They only think about this stuff after they do it, if at all. And in many cases it's only after they do it and then are forced to face the cold hard reality that they were used and sold their spouse for some pieces of silver. From the stuff you have posted it seems like as long as this had stayed fun you would have continued. That makes you even more dangerous to anyone who is in love with you at the moment, and you need to fix it. 

These questions are harsh but you must face them, depending on what kind of relationship you want in the future. The kind of thinking you have shown with these actions means you are not a person who is capable of having a long lasting marital relationship. If you want one you need to train your mind to think differently. The reason not to cheat is because it's wrong, not because it hurts your spouse (though that is a good reason), not because it ends up hurting you at the end. and even not because you love yours spouse, because one day you may not. When you cheat you bring destruction to many lives. Even your AP has been degraded by doing what he did. 

This isn't a just, I got drunk and made a mistake kind of thing. It's a I have changed the whole nature of my being kind of thing. Unfortunately people don't get that until they do it. It's remarkable to me that people think by just not telling all this destruction will go away. I promise you it won't. It's like a leak the water is going to find a place to come in. Wherever the foundation is weakest. You got to fix the foundation to fix the leak.


----------



## ufwm

snerg said:


> Yes you do.
> 
> *BECAUSE*
> 
> That truly is the answer boiled down to it's most simple and pure form.
> 
> But you better have better answer than that *because* that answer won't fly with your BS.
> 
> 
> 
> Wow, that is telling. So he smooth talks you for a few minutes and you *choose * to say something negative about your BS. Wow.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So let me get this straight:
> 1) BS is out of the country - no way possible to interfere
> 2) You go out on a GNO cause you're lonely
> 3) When this guy presented himself, you go hunting for him.
> 4) You stay after all your friends leave to see if he is interested in more
> 5) you take him to your house - you know the one you share with you BS
> 6) You have sex
> 7) Not only do you have sex, you have it in your marital bed
> 8) Let's be honest here - no protection- cause why stop for that inconvenience.
> 9) you at some point take off your rings cause now you're not a married woman having sex, you're a single woman having a ONS
> 
> There are a lot of deliberate choices being made
> 
> Sounds like there's a lot more issues in your marriage then you're letting on.
> 
> This feels almost like an exit affair that didn't go as expected (of course I can be way off but it is very much like what happened to a friend)


I was lonely and bored, I just wanted something (not someone) to do... I get bored easily (NOT with my husband or marriage) and wanted something to do, an activity, anything to get out of the house. I wasn't thinking that I wanted to cheat.... I would have been happy doing anything, I just wanted to get out. I was missing my husband and kind of jealous. I wanted a distraction from it. So I went out with some friends, who are married as well. We sat we ate and had nothing to do with anyone else. They left before I did because they were driving home (not drunk). I'm a slow eater, always have been and always done way after everyone else. I wasn't quite done and their was weird people outside the bar that I didn't want to go by. They were smoking then leaving. Pretty much as soon as my friends left the guy that I had sex with came up to me. It was the first time I met him and talked to him. I noticed him before that, when I was with my friends, but I just looked at him a few times. He sat by me and we talked, I wasn't open to it at first but the way he talked and came off got me to let me guard down. He bought me a drink and I initially said I didn't want it. I'm a shy person, I don't like confrontation. So I took it and sipped until 1 became 2 and 2 became however many. I know damn well alcohol isn't an excuse for anything.... It gets foggy after that and that will make it very hard to tell my husband.... I remember it, but the finer details and finding the words is hard. I know I was horrible to saying anything bad about my husband.... I wanted to take it back as soon as it came out. He followed it by saying he'd never do that and what he'd do better and it made me feel worse about my husband in that moment. I love my husband.... I don't want to lose him. I don't want a divorce. I didn't want an "exit affair" which I have never heard of but can assume what that means.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> That's terrifying.... I don't want him to ever have contact with my husband, or me again. I doubt he'd want more, and I wouldn't do it again. I know that doesn't mean much, because I said that before and did it.


Right... I wouldn't put any bets on that.You barely know the man you slept with.All you know is that he manipulates and uses married women.You said:



> I live very close to that bar, basically across the street.


So you are basically gonna pray that he is the "one and done" type and ignores you when he sees you.


But even if he never visits that bar again, even if you think that you'll never betray your H again.... lying and hiding is betrayal in itself.Don't believe that either of you will be truly happy with the ONS remaining a secret.


----------



## Herschel

Tell him. There is a chance you'll do it again. That's Pandora's Box for you. Regardless of drinking, there is a LOT of effort involved to having someone's D inside of you. I mean, going back to their place, the drive in the car. The kissing, the undressing, the grabbing each other and getting on top or whatever. Then the finishing the job. Yeah, once you go there, you have tainted it forever and I know people can recover from it...they are the exception to the rule. Even if a couple stays together, that doesn't mean it was a successful reconciliation.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> How old are you?


I'm 28.


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I was lonely and bored, I just wanted something (not someone) to do... I get bored easily (NOT with my husband or marriage) and wanted something to do, an activity, anything to get out of the house. I wasn't thinking that I wanted to cheat.... I would have been happy doing anything, I just wanted to get out. I was missing my husband and kind of jealous. I wanted a distraction from it. So I went out with some friends, who are married as well. We sat we ate and had nothing to do with anyone else. They left before I did because they were driving home (not drunk). I'm a slow eater, always have been and always done way after everyone else. I wasn't quite done and their was weird people outside the bar that I didn't want to go by. They were smoking then leaving. Pretty much as soon as my friends left the guy that I had sex with came up to me. It was the first time I met him and talked to him. I noticed him before that, when I was with my friends, but I just looked at him a few times. He sat by me and we talked, I wasn't open to it at first but the way he talked and came off got me to let me guard down. He bought me a drink and I initially said I didn't want it. I'm a shy person, I don't like confrontation. So I took it and sipped until 1 became 2 and 2 became however many. I know damn well alcohol isn't an excuse for anything.... It gets foggy after that and that will make it very hard to tell my husband.... I remember it, but the finer details and finding the words is hard. I know I was horrible to saying anything bad about my husband.... I wanted to take it back as soon as it came out. He followed it by saying he'd never do that and what he'd do better and it made me feel worse about my husband in that moment. *I love my husband.*... I don't want to lose him. I don't want a divorce. I didn't want an "exit affair" which I have never heard of but can assume what that means.


Do you? Perhaps. Respect? That is questionable with the choice you made.


----------



## mickybill

" It was the first time I met him and talked to him. I noticed him before that, when I was with my friends, but I just looked at him a few times. He sat by me and we talked, I wasn't open to it at first but the way he talked and came off got me to let me guard down"

So to a man, he would assume that you as the extra woman in a group of couples was checking him out...you stayed for some reason and he approached you.
Why did you think he was talking to you...and why were you talking to him. Sigh.


----------



## syhoybenden

Having just had unprotected sex with a stranger and not yet having been screened for STDs you absolutely must NOT have sex with your husband upon his return. By so doing you could be infecting your husband by which you would be adding injury to insult.
Soooo Lucy, I guess you got some 'splainin' to do.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I'm 28.


No offense but you seem very immature for 28. Have you lead a very sheltered life? Many boyfriends or just your husband?


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> No offense but you seem very immature for 28. Have you lead a very sheltered life? Many boyfriends or just your husband?


I've only been with my husband. I didn't have any real relationships before my husband. I've only had sex with my husband, until last week... I skipped the teenage/early 20's party, club, drinking phase. I was too shy. If I was mature I wouldn't have cheated so I guess that's a fair assessment...


----------



## ufwm

syhoybenden said:


> Having just had unprotected sex with a stranger and not yet having been screened for STDs you absolutely must NOT have sex with your husband upon his return. By so doing you could be infecting your husband by which you would be adding injury to insult.
> Soooo Lucy, I guess you got some 'splainin' to do.


My doctor said they can't do an STD test until the end of the week. I have no intention of having sex with my husband... I know he won't want to. I won't be able to hide what I did. As soon as he walks through the door he's going to know something is wrong and I won't be able to keep it in.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I was lonely and bored, I just wanted something (not someone) to do... I get bored easily (NOT with my husband or marriage) and wanted something to do, an activity, anything to get out of the house. I wasn't thinking that I wanted to cheat.... I would have been happy doing anything, I just wanted to get out. I was missing my husband and kind of jealous. I wanted a distraction from it. So I went out with some friends, who are married as well. We sat we ate and had nothing to do with anyone else. They left before I did because they were driving home (not drunk). I'm a slow eater, always have been and always done way after everyone else. I wasn't quite done and their was weird people outside the bar that I didn't want to go by. They were smoking then leaving. Pretty much as soon as my friends left the guy that I had sex with came up to me. It was the first time I met him and talked to him. I noticed him before that, when I was with my friends, but I just looked at him a few times. He sat by me and we talked, I wasn't open to it at first but the way he talked and came off got me to let me guard down. He bought me a drink and I initially said I didn't want it. I'm a shy person, I don't like confrontation. So I took it and sipped until 1 became 2 and 2 became however many. I know damn well alcohol isn't an excuse for anything.... It gets foggy after that and that will make it very hard to tell my husband.... I remember it, but the finer details and finding the words is hard. I know I was horrible to saying anything bad about my husband.... I wanted to take it back as soon as it came out. He followed it by saying he'd never do that and what he'd do better and it made me feel worse about my husband in that moment. I love my husband.... I don't want to lose him. I don't want a divorce. I didn't want an "exit affair" which I have never heard of but can assume what that means.



So what happens the next time you are _lonely, bored_ or god forbid... mad or dissatisfied with something your husband did?




> I know I was horrible to saying anything bad about my husband.... I wanted to take it back as soon as it came out. He followed it by saying he'd never do that and what he'd do better and it made me feel worse about my husband in that moment.



Like I said, god forbid your H does something that makes you angry at him in the future.


----------



## Kivlor

@ufwm

I second the idea of seeing a therapist today or tomorrow, before your H comes home. Figure out how you want to disclose this. 

Almost certain that your H won't believe this is the only time, but maybe he will. There's no way this ends well. @SunCMars posted a pretty good outline of what to expect. I don't envy you, but at least you want to come clean right away, and you feel bad about it.

I don't know how you convince your H that this won't ever happen again if he stays. But that should be your goal, IMO. 

You might try offering to take a polygraph test to prove you didn't sleep with anyone else, and that you're telling the truth.

Here's the problem: If your H travels often, I don't know how he reconciles with you. Maybe you could travel with him?


----------



## uhtred

Did you drink a LOT? 

Is there any chance you were drugged? Your memories sound very hazy. 






ufwm said:


> I'm sure. I wish I could say that I didn't. I remember doing it, not well but I remember it, and I could feel it when I woke up.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I've only been with my husband. I didn't have any real relationships before my husband. I've only had sex with my husband, until last week... I skipped the teenage/early 20's party, club, drinking phase. I was too shy. If I was mature I wouldn't have cheated so I guess that's a fair assessment...


Was your husband also a virgin?


----------



## Yeswecan

uhtred said:


> Did you drink a LOT?
> 
> Is there any chance you were drugged? Your memories sound very hazy.



Good question.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> Right... I wouldn't put any bets on that.You barely know the man you slept with.All you know is that he manipulates and uses married women.You said:
> 
> So you are basically gonna pray that he is the "one and done" type and ignores you when he sees you.
> 
> But even if he never visits that bar again, even if you think that you'll never betray your H again.... lying and hiding is betrayal in itself.Don't believe that either of you will be truly happy with the ONS remaining a secret.


I don't plan on ever going back there... I don't want to see him again. I don't want my husband to see him. If he had wanted more he wouldn't have left like that, I don't think. What do I know...


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> So what happens the next time you are _lonely, bored_ or god forbid... mad or dissatisfied with something your husband did?
> 
> Like I said, god forbid your H does something that makes you angry at him in the future.


I have been bored, lonely, mad before and that didn't drive me to cheat... I don't want to do it again. I know how this feels and I don't want this again. I know how much I'm going to hurt my husband and I don't want that once let alone more.


----------



## Herschel

ufwm said:


> I have been bored, lonely, mad before and that didn't drive me to cheat...* I don't want to do it again.* I know how this feels and I don't want this again. I know how much I'm going to hurt my husband and I don't want that once let alone more.


Excuse me, what? Did you want to do it originally? No? But you did. And it was exciting. That's why you did it. You don't know you won't do it again. The odds are much greater that you will than if you never did it at all.


----------



## ufwm

uhtred said:


> Did you drink a LOT?
> 
> Is there any chance you were drugged? Your memories sound very hazy.


I can't remember how much I drank. I wasn't drugged, it's not like I blacked out and remember nothing. And if I were he wouldn't of known where I lived. I sat with him for quite a while... I've never had a hang over before and it was horrible, I felt like I was going to die. The most I have drank in one night was 2-3 drinks. 3 I think once. I have never been hung over before so it had to have been more than that. It's fuzzy and there are some missing chunks but I remember.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> Was your husband also a virgin?


Not even close.


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> I don't plan on ever going back there... I don't want to see him again. I don't want my husband to see him. If he had wanted more he wouldn't have left like that, I don't think. What do I know...


I doubt he's going to come around. He was almost certainly just looking for a ONS.

Think about it: coming around and talking to your H might result in someone getting injured. Approaching the 2 of you in public as well. Men tend to know that other men are territorial. You were just an easy mark while your H wasn't around to keep your pants on you.


----------



## azteca1986

ufwm said:


> It was the first time I met him and talked to him. I noticed him before that, when I was with my friends, but I just looked at him a few times.


See, he already you knew you were interested in him before he walked over.

Did you tell OM your husband was out the country?


----------



## ufwm

Kivlor said:


> @ufwm
> 
> I second the idea of seeing a therapist today or tomorrow, before your H comes home. Figure out how you want to disclose this.
> 
> Almost certain that your H won't believe this is the only time, but maybe he will. There's no way this ends well. @SunCMars posted a pretty good outline of what to expect. I don't envy you, but at least you want to come clean right away, and you feel bad about it.
> 
> I don't know how you convince your H that this won't ever happen again if he stays. But that should be your goal, IMO.
> 
> You might try offering to take a polygraph test to prove you didn't sleep with anyone else, and that you're telling the truth.
> 
> Here's the problem: If your H travels often, I don't know how he reconciles with you. Maybe you could travel with him?


I don't know if I could get an appointment that quickly but I could try. I think I would just sit there and cry and not be able to get anything out... 

I don't think he'll trust anything that I say. I would do anything if it would help him. 

My husband loves travelling, I don't. I have a lot of anxiety on planes and cannot handle it. We go on road trips together sometimes, but when he's with his friends a lot of the time I'd rather just stay home. I don't think he'll want to or enjoy travelling now... yet another thing I ruined.


----------



## ufwm

azteca1986 said:


> See, he already you knew you were interested in him before he walked over.
> 
> Did you tell OM your husband was out the country?


I did.... I didn't just blurt it out. It came out the longer he talked to me. After I said I was married the guy said something negative about my husband not being there, I said it was because he was on a vacation. If felt like a good thing, an actual reason, but it was stupid.


----------



## ufwm

Kivlor said:


> I doubt he's going to come around. He was almost certainly just looking for a ONS.
> 
> Think about it: coming around and talking to your H might result in someone getting injured. Approaching the 2 of you in public as well. Men tend to know that other men are territorial. You were just an easy mark while your H wasn't around to keep your pants on you.


Ouch.... I'm scared to hear what my husband is going to say to me... it's going to sound 100x worse coming from his mouth.


----------



## Thor

I suggest you read a book called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. The book looks at both perspectives, that of the betrayed and that of the cheater. The author does a good job of describing the concerns and reactions both of you will go through. This is a good way for you to gain some perspective on what your husband is going to be thinking and feeling.

Definitely go talk to a good therapist before your husband comes home.

I am firmly in the camp that your husband deserves to know the truth. Realize that this is going to be a process for both of you to go through, not just a few conversations and then done.

The worst thing you can do is trickle truth or lie to him. Answer his questions fully and honestly. Don't hide information. Don't try to minimize things. Just be honest. And, don't try to somehow blame him.

We've seen several cheaters on this board who have had a good reconciliation. They own what they did, and they do the hard work of rebuilding a new marriage. Hopefully your husband is willing to put in the effort, in which case you have a good chance of reconciliation.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I have been bored, lonely, mad before and that didn't drive me to cheat... I don't want to do it again. I know how this feels and I don't want this again. I know how much I'm going to hurt my husband and I don't want that once let alone more.


Look, you admit to glancing at the OM more than once.You admit that it was very easy for him to make you see your H in a bad light.You are young, naive and bored easily.Your marriage as well.You don't have kids yet, no real problems prior to this affair of yours.

Naive and emotionally vulnerable people fall into long affairs with people they would not have looked twice at, just for the validation.There are terms like "affairing down, affair high, affair fog".Vulnerable people get addicted to affairs with exploiters like your ONS, even when they don't want to, even when it's horrible and know they are just getting used.


----------



## chillymorn69

I usually have the opinion the way-wards are sub human unrepentant pieces of cow dung. who make excuses to justify their horrible actions. They trickle truth and lie to cover their ass hoping their spouse will quit asking hard questions walking around with uncertainty and questioning everything about their marriage.

BUT. in your case if you stand tall and come clean and ask for forgiveness. I'm hoping for the best. That your husband will forgive you.

Its going to be tough he might ask some uncomfortable questions....

like was the sex good,was he bigger than me, Do you not like how I make love to you, How can I trust you won't do it again. He might even want a revenge affair. 


Best of luck to you!


----------



## happy as a clam

How often does your husband travel or take vacations without you? You mentioned you were feeling bored and a bit jealous. Is this an unresolved issue between the two of you? Are you resentful when he travels?

Just seems a bit odd that hubby regularly takes vacations alone with his friends. Not the marital "norm"; at least not in my experience.


----------



## BetrayedDad

ufwm said:


> I know.... I want to burn our mattress. Really tempted to go out and buy a new one but that doesn't erase man's existence from our home, our bedroom, from me... I threw out the sheets. I haven't slept in our bed since last sleeping in it.... with the man I had a one night stand with. I barely remember how I let it happen. I do but I don't. It doesn't matter because I did let it happen and chose to take him to my home. I didn't find a condom or empty wrapper, and the guy was gone by the time I woke up. I really hope we did.... I found an unused condom in between the mattress and bed frame that I know wasn't ours because my husband and I have never used them. I have been tearing the house apart trying to find anything else... I don't want my husband to.... that'd be even worse...


In the marital bed no less.... The level of disrespect here is astronomical. This isn't done on a whim.

Drinking lowers your inhibitions, nothing more. It doesn't make you do anything you wouldn't want to do.

Which begs the question, "Why are you so cruel?" You had absolutely ZERO regard for him during your romp.

Why the remorse now I wonder? Because he ditched you? Because the sex was bad? Because you fear discovery?

I know what I'd do if I were in your husband's situation. You better hope he has less self respect for himself than I do.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> My husband loves travelling, I don't. I have a lot of anxiety on planes and cannot handle it. We go on road trips together sometimes, but when he's with his friends a lot of the time I'd rather just stay home. I don't think he'll want to or enjoy travelling now... yet another thing I ruined.


You can easily grow resentful at your husband for this and justify to yourself a future affair."You didn't pay enough attention to me, you were away from home a lot" happens too often.

Even if your ONS guy doesn't come back, there are plenty of his kind.


----------



## azteca1986

ufwm said:


> I did.... I didn't just blurt it out. It came out the longer he talked to me. After I said I was married the guy said something negative about my husband not being there, I said it was because he was on a vacation. If felt like a good thing, an actual reason, but it was stupid.


Honestly OP, you're coming across as hopelessly naive, which might be a good thing in your situation. As a man, I know exactly what OM heard when a married woman with no kids told him her husband is hundreds of miles away.

I'd suggest that you write a timeline of exactly what happened as best as you remember. Just for your reference at the moment. Your opening post was very "sanitised" and you don't want to put your husband through the task of having to drag the truth out of you. Spare him that.

How long have you got till he returns?


----------



## Kerf

Kivlor said:


> I doubt he's going to come around. He was almost certainly just looking for a ONS.
> 
> Think about it: coming around and talking to your H might result in someone getting injured. Approaching the 2 of you in public as well. Men tend to know that other men are territorial. You were just an easy mark while your H wasn't around to keep your pants on you.


She said that she lives very close to the bar they met in.Even if the OM is the ONS type, it's still too tempting for him to know she is close by.

People in affairs do a lot of dangerous and risky stuff.


----------



## Graywolf2

ufwm said:


> I liked the attention because it was lacking a little bit from my husband after we had *been trying to get pregnant *and it wasn't happening as fast as we hoped.


Make sure that you’re not pregnant by the OM. *Get the morning after pill NOW.*



ufwm said:


> I liked the attention... That was too far, and I let it go further. It seems like it would have been better if it was an emotional affair first and I threw away my marriage for something seemingly real, but I threw it away for no one, for nothing.


Sometimes married people that think they will never cheat walk to close to the edge because they consider themselves to be protected. It’s kind of like you can dance on the edge of the cliff because you have a safety harness. I think that's what happened in your case


----------



## TAM2013

sokillme said:


> One thing you need to think about is, so what if he left, in your mind would what you been better if he didn't? Your thinking is wrong on this, it's still about how you felt. How much of this regret you feel now is just that is obvious you were being used. Your mind should have been on your husband, and your vow, and most definitely your honor. Why wasn't it?
> 
> Where would you have you been if you woke up and he was there next to you telling you how wonderful the night was, where would this have gone then? You need to think about what kind of person you are to even get to that point. Where would your husband have been then? This is a kind of magic thinking you were having about something that is monstrous to your spouse. Why is that, is it because you are immature? Is it because you are callous? That is the thing that is always missing from cheaters. They only think about this stuff after they do it, if at all. And in many cases it's only after they do it and then are forced to face the cold hard reality that they were used and sold their spouse for some pieces of silver. From the stuff you have posted it seems like as long as this had stayed fun you would have continued. That makes you even more dangerous to anyone who is in love with you at the moment, and you need to fix it.
> 
> These questions are harsh but you must face them, depending on what kind of relationship you want in the future. The kind of thinking you have shown with these actions means you are not a person who is capable of having a long lasting marital relationship. If you want one you need to train your mind to think differently. The reason not to cheat is because it's wrong, not because it hurts your spouse (though that is a good reason), not because it ends up hurting you at the end. and even not because you love yours spouse, because one day you may not. When you cheat you bring destruction to many lives. Even your AP has been degraded by doing what he did.
> 
> This isn't a just, I got drunk and made a mistake kind of thing. It's a I have changed the whole nature of my being kind of thing. Unfortunately people don't get that until they do it. It's remarkable to me that people think by just not telling all this destruction will go away. I promise you it won't. It's like a leak the water is going to find a place to come in. Wherever the foundation is weakest. You got to fix the foundation to fix the leak.





Kerf said:


> Look, you admit to glancing at the OM more than once.You admit that it was very easy for him to make you see your H in a bad light.You are young, naive and bored easily.Your marriage as well.You don't have kids yet, no real problems prior to this affair of yours.
> 
> Naive and emotionally vulnerable people fall into long affairs with people they would not have looked twice at, just for the validation.There are terms like "affairing down, affair high, affair fog".Vulnerable people get addicted to affairs with exploiters like your ONS, even when they don't want to, even when it's horrible and know they are just getting used.


Women fvck up for casual. Men fvck down. My money OM was a pretty good looking player. And sokillme is very clever here. If adonis stuck around and declared his undying love for you OP (genuine or not), would you be feeling remorse or continued excitement? If it's the latter, you should leave your husband for his sake.

Also, just to throw it out there. You might want to give him 10 minutes before you tell him. He might have a revelation of his own he wants to tell you. WTF is he off travelling without his wife anyway?


----------



## Graywolf2

double post


----------



## MyRevelation

I am nearly 10 years out from my W's very drunken ONS with a complete stranger she had just met during a girls only tropical vacation ... sound somewhat familiar? I found out because she wanted to attach some meaning to her screw up because she couldn't accept that she acted like a **** for one night after a life time of being the "good girl". So, I've had a lot of time to ponder the pros and cons of what you are wrestling with now and some here may be surprised how my opinion has evolved over the years.

We are dealing with basically the same fact set and after 10 years I can say that if my W had of not tried to keep up a long distance relationship with OM and been able to just stuff this down deep inside herself and taken it to the grave ... I would have preferred to never know about it.

I'm twice your age and have a history of life changing screw ups and nothing has hurt as much as dealing with this damn ONS. Think about someone other than yourself right now and consider the impact telling your story will have on others in your life. Assuming you're not pregnant or have contracted an STD, consider finding the strength within yourself to shoulder this burden all on your own. If you are truly sorry, have learned from this terrible mistake, and KNOW in your heart you will never allow yourself to be in a situation like this again, don't shuffle off your burden onto your H.

Most A's are never discovered ... sure, some of them may be just deplorable people, but others are like everyone else, and they found a way to carry their own shame and disgust with their own poor choices by themselves, without destroying the lives of their loved ones.

Just one BH's hard earned perspective looking from the other side of a very similar situation.


----------



## LosingHim

Some of you are straight up way off base and very rude. You’re ASSUMING and reaching a LOT in this instance. She did wrong, she knows she did wrong and she wants to come clean. Sitting her making her seem like a wh*re and someone who wantonly went out searching for illicit sex with a stranger is wreckless and absurd. Too many of you project your own experiences on someone else.

Yes, she did wrong. Yes, she cheated. Yes, this is a horrible, awful thing. But to make the stretch that you know about her personality, her core values, who she is as a person and what she “planned” that night is ridiculous. 

Stop projecting.


----------



## harrybrown

Have you put yourself in your H's shoes?

So he had a ONS in your bed. 

The ONS do not just happen. you make several decisions to get into bed with the OM.

He and his buddies will be back. You were too easy and to close by the bar.

If you want to avoid him, now you need to move. 

would it hurt you if your H had a ONS in your bed, in your home?

so what would you want him to do, if he had the ONS? 

some have requested that the cheating spouse leave. If he does , where will you go? He will not want to be in the house anymore, you have ruined that. So why not put the house up for sale now before he gets back.

Were you upset that the OM was not there when you woke up? (Disappointed?)

Your H will not believe that your ever loved him for doing the deed in your house. the OM did not even have to pay for a motel room.

Ouch!


----------



## TAM2013

MyRevelation said:


> I am nearly 10 years out from my W's very drunken ONS with a complete stranger........I'm twice your age and have a history of life changing screw ups and nothing has hurt as much as dealing with this damn ONS


Why didn't you just bail, MR?


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> Ouch.... I'm scared to hear what my husband is going to say to me... it's going to sound 100x worse coming from his mouth.


Well, for what it's worth, I hope it goes as well as you can hope for. I didn't intend for my comment to sound very bad / hurtful. Just trying to be honest with ya. 

I think you're trying to do the right thing, and you haven't really tried to excuse yourself for what you did, so I don't see a need to take you to the mat, so to speak. No gain in being hurtful, if you're already exhibiting empathy and remorse.

Definitely try to get in to see a therapist, IMO. You're going to need one anyways most likely.


----------



## straightshooter

I am sorry to tell you this but your story is getting worse as this goes along. First it was you did not know him. Well technically that is true but you NOTICED HIM. And then you voluntarily without any alcohol purposely stayed behind knowing he was there. And so we are to believe he had not said one word to you before your friends left??? No flirting or glances?????

Now before I go any further, the absolute last thing you should do is run to a therapist. If you tell this story to ten of them you will get the same different opinions of telling versus not telling that you have gotten here. And the last sensible to pick any therapist for something this serious is to throw a dart and go the first place you can get in.

OP, your choice is simple. if you have been to this place and now cannot go back and husband has been there with you, you are in for some nail biting moments if you do not confess. 

Next, do not assume he left without a word, and you must be a pretty sound sleeper. He left for a couple of reasons. If he was married, then he probably had some explaining to do which would have been made harder had you two had another few hour sex fest.There also is the possibility that he may have been scared that your husband could come home unexpectedly or you could get someone come to your door or see the car. and you can bet if he knows how to reach you and he is single you will hear from him again. single guys like nothing better than a married woman for no strings sex.

now, if you really want to do the right thing, start with getting honest with yourself. You did this because you wanted to. You wanted to have sex with someone else for the experience. You knew darn well that when your friends left that this guy was going to come after you, and you let it continue because you had gone that far and had very little chance of getting caught. the experience apparently did not leave you exhilrated and feeling not lonely but rather now scared ****less and worried about what you will incur whichever road you take.

the first step is owning your ****, not looking for reasons or excuses. honestly with yourself is more important and necessary before honesty with others. if you stay silent, aside from probably having to make love thursday night with your husband where you just had sex with another man, you are going to have to tell your riends and husband every time they suggest going to this place some bull ****reason why you do not want to when it is so close to house with great food. you will run out of reasons.

are we to believe this man you took home and had sex with never gave you a name and in all this "conversation in the bar never told you anything about himself. So you got laid by 'phantom man".

I suggest you rather than look for a therapist to run to in a frenzy knowing nothing about them or their experience that you spend your time soul searching yourself and investigate where you can take a polygraph


----------



## Kivlor

Kerf said:


> She said that she lives very close to the bar they met in.Even if the OM is the ONS type, it's still too tempting for him to know she is close by.
> 
> People in affairs do a lot of dangerous and risky stuff.


Just putting my take on this out there. You're welcome to disagree.

A guy targeting a married woman whose H is out of town, and disappears the next morning before she gets out of bed, who didn't leave a number or anything, isn't likely to come back around. If she runs into him out on the town, alone, again, I'm sure he'll approach and try to hit it again. But he's not going to approach her H, or approach her while H is around unless he wants to risk someone going postal. I doubt he has a death wish, but what do I know, I'm not him.

But I live in a state where if you kill the guy ****ing your wife on your property, or after he comes to start ****, you almost certainly aren't going to be prosecuted. YMMV.


----------



## Kerf

TAM2013 said:


> Women fvck up for casual. Men fvck down. My money OM was a pretty good looking player. And sokillme is very clever here. If adonis stuck around and declared his undying love for you OP (genuine or not), would you be feeling remorse or continued excitement? If it's the latter, you should leave your husband for his sake.


I've read plenty of stories about women having affairs with men less attractive than their husbands.The ugly guys were there, being a friend, listening to the wives complain about their husbands on and on, looking at them with puppy dog eyes.

Op's ONS was probably attractive, but my point was that vulnerable and naive women like her, get into affairs with people they don't want or like, all the time.


----------



## Taxman

I believe that the biggest thing that a cheater cannot do, is put themselves in their betrayed spouse's shoes. They see that they are in trouble, as the OP does, and worries about the future. I had absolutely no idea what I put my wife through. Not only did I have an affair, when she kicked me out, I went totally silent for about 3 days. Neither my wife, nor my parents, nor my friends and acquaintances knew where I was. (Truth be told, I was holed up in a cheap motel, having a breakdown) When I emerged, I moved in with the AP. When I woke up and realized the AP was a really stupid idea, I begged for a reconciliation.

As part of the reconciliation, my wife wanted me to feel everything that she felt. As a condition for reconciliation, my wife demanded to go on a date, with someone other than me,(Her words). A week later, she told me that a co-worker asked her out. As she expected, he took her to a bar, bought her a drink and made a pass. She accepted and they ended up at a cheap motel. They, of course, did the deed, and the next evening I was invited over to get the entire story. It felt as if she had reached down my throat and pulled out my beating heart. It would have been better had I just jumped out the window. I got to feel like a eunuch. Not only did my pure innocent wife go out and f**k a completely inappropriate guy, it was in response to what I did. Yeah, I had to live with that. She let me know that there are consequences to infidelity. She had considered that there were several ways to go: She thought that she would go straight to the divorce attorneys, or, that she would take me back with no consequences. She decided that she did want me back, but that I had to have consequences. A lot of people would say that my consequence should have been a guilty conscience for the rest of my life, however, she wanted something a lot more concrete, and if it did not work out, then she had a nice date to start her single life. This was her solution. I had no choices in the matter. This was my sentence for my indiscretion.

I don't know how your husband will react. I know how I did, and it was not good. I spent the better part of a month, yelling and screaming at the four walls. I did not eat for literally weeks, I lived on coffee and cigarettes until my mother got concerned that I was going to have a heart attack. Then I calmed down, I realized that I had paid the price. We reconciled, and are really happy and solid THIRTY NINE YEARS LATER.


----------



## Kerf

Kivlor said:


> Just putting my take on this out there. You're welcome to disagree.
> 
> A guy targeting a married woman whose H is out of town, and disappears the next morning before she gets out of bed, who didn't leave a number or anything, isn't likely to come back around.


He knows where she lives.Close to a bar that he might frequent.For all we know OM could be one of those "red pill" guys that does the push-pull game with women, so they "need and want" him more.




> If she runs into him out on the town, alone, again, I'm sure he'll approach and try to hit it again. But he's not going to approach her H, or approach her while H is around unless he wants to risk someone going postal. I doubt he has a death wish, but what do I know, I'm not him.


The threat alone costs him nothing.Nor an anonymous tip.Who knows what might happen, if his male ego is hurt by OP.


----------



## VladDracul

ufwm said:


> I know that, I let it happen. I was curious about being with another man.


Now we are getting somewhere with you being honest about why you slept with another guy. Now address why you brought the guy home and "did it" in the same spot as you and your husband. There's a lot more about what's going on with you that you're willing to admit. If you're going to confess the incident, you have to address, to yourself, the reason you were vulnerable. Something else is going on with you. A woman does go to a social establishment with her husband out of town, allow herself to be picked up by a guy, bring him home to her bedroom, and do him al night while wearing her wedding rings. You're either selling yourself or selling us a bill of goods and maybe trying to formulate a way to tell him to ease the damage based on what you hear here. You can't fool me and you certainly can't fool your husband. Now, without the, " I went into a trance", tell us why you slept with the guy in your bed.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MyRevelation said:


> We are dealing with basically the same fact set and after 10 years I can say that if my W had of not tried to keep up a long distance relationship with OM and been able to just stuff this down deep inside herself and taken it to the grave... I would have preferred to never know about it.


Several other posts have suggested the "keep your BS in ignorance" approach.

How truly sad.... I have other adjectives that describe it but that's the most polite one.

You had a third option besides "knowing and dealing with the pain" or "not knowing and living a lie".

How is "Knowing, dumping her cheating ass, and finding happiness elsewhere" not a better alternative?!?


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> Not even close.


This is probably for the best.


----------



## TAM2013

Kerf said:


> I've read plenty of stories about women having affairs with men less attractive than their husbands.The ugly guys were there, being a friend, listening to the wives complain about their husbands on and on, looking at them with puppy dog eyes.
> 
> Op's ONS was probably attractive, but my point was that vulnerable and naive women like her, get into affairs with people they don't want or like, all the time.


They'll always be exceptions but lesser looking man gets visits off numerous better looking women? No. Lesser looking woman gets visits by numerous better looking men. All the time.


----------



## Kerf

LosingHim said:


> Some of you are straight up way off base and very rude. You’re ASSUMING and reaching a LOT in this instance. She did wrong, she knows she did wrong and she wants to come clean. Sitting her making her seem like a wh*re and someone who wantonly went out searching for illicit sex with a stranger is wreckless and absurd. Too many of you project your own experiences on someone else.
> 
> Yes, she did wrong. Yes, she cheated. Yes, this is a horrible, awful thing. But to make the stretch that you know about her personality, her core values, who she is as a person and what she “planned” that night is ridiculous.
> 
> Stop projecting.


Look, i don't think OP's a horrible person, but there's more to the story than just a drunken f-up.

She admits she was "curious about being with another man".She was giving looks to OM before he approached her.Was "missing my husband and kind of jealous".Easily got talked into speaking bad of her H and f'n in their shared home and bed.

There are a lot of problems here that could easily lead to repeat.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Kerf said:


> I've read plenty of stories about women having affairs with men less attractive than their husbands.The ugly guys were there, being a friend, listening to the wives complain about their husbands on and on, looking at them with puppy dog eyes.
> 
> Op's ONS was probably attractive, but my point was that vulnerable and naive women like her, get into affairs with people they don't want or like, all the time.


ONS' are usually more attractive men because the female's crotch wants its itch scratched by the biggest stud in the room. She will THROW herself at the Chad and its basically up to him to take a "free meal" or not. LTAs are usually the step down you are referring too because then emotional needs come into play and most Chads won't waste their time dealing with whiney woman but average to below average men will because they are thirsty and pathetic.


----------



## ufwm

Thor said:


> I suggest you read a book called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. The book looks at both perspectives, that of the betrayed and that of the cheater. The author does a good job of describing the concerns and reactions both of you will go through. This is a good way for you to gain some perspective on what your husband is going to be thinking and feeling.
> 
> Definitely go talk to a good therapist before your husband comes home.
> 
> I am firmly in the camp that your husband deserves to know the truth. Realize that this is going to be a process for both of you to go through, not just a few conversations and then done.
> 
> The worst thing you can do is trickle truth or lie to him. Answer his questions fully and honestly. Don't hide information. Don't try to minimize things. Just be honest. And, don't try to somehow blame him.
> 
> We've seen several cheaters on this board who have had a good reconciliation. They own what they did, and they do the hard work of rebuilding a new marriage. Hopefully your husband is willing to put in the effort, in which case you have a good chance of reconciliation.


I'll read the book. I know how bad I'm feeling and he's going to feel 100x worse, I can't imagine that. I called some therapist offices and found one that has an appointment available tomorrow. Hopefully it will help... even a little. Might as well get comfortable there because either way I'll probably be spending a lot of time there. 

I'm worried that I will get nervous and say the wrong thing or forget to say something and have to tell him later. Or that I'll say something wrong and he'll take it the wrong way. I don't want him to think it was his fault, because it wasn't... If he asks why I did it, I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming him.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> Look, you admit to glancing at the OM more than once.You admit that it was very easy for him to make you see your H in a bad light.You are young, naive and bored easily.Your marriage as well.You don't have kids yet, no real problems prior to this affair of yours.
> 
> Naive and emotionally vulnerable people fall into long affairs with people they would not have looked twice at, just for the validation.There are terms like "affairing down, affair high, affair fog".Vulnerable people get addicted to affairs with exploiters like your ONS, even when they don't want to, even when it's horrible and know they are just getting used.


I'm not going to fall into an affair or cheat again... I don't want to. I don't want to search for someone to hurt me and take advantage... I'm stupid but I'm not that messed up... If he hadn't been attractive, I wouldn't have looked at him in the first place or kept looking at him... Let's be honest. I don't usually look at other men, if I find them really attractive sometimes I have a hard time not looking at them.


----------



## ufwm

chillymorn69 said:


> I usually have the opinion the way-wards are sub human unrepentant pieces of cow dung. who make excuses to justify their horrible actions. They trickle truth and lie to cover their ass hoping their spouse will quit asking hard questions walking around with uncertainty and questioning everything about their marriage.
> 
> BUT. in your case if you stand tall and come clean and ask for forgiveness. I'm hoping for the best. That your husband will forgive you.
> 
> Its going to be tough he might ask some uncomfortable questions....
> 
> like was the sex good,was he bigger than me, Do you not like how I make love to you, How can I trust you won't do it again. He might even want a revenge affair.
> 
> 
> Best of luck to you!


I'm sure he'll think of me that way too... and anyone else who finds out. 

I'm worried that I won't be able to answer all the questions he has and he will think I'm hiding things. I can't remember everything. I'd like to forget it all, but there is missing chunks and parts that feel like trying to remember or describe a dream. You remember it, but you don't. You know what happened but don't. I've never drank however much I drank. 

I don't want him to cheat to get back at me... I don't know if that is fair or not... I feel like I'd die, but I guess that's how he's going to feel... 

Am I really suppose to tell the truth to questions like "was he bigger than me" if the answer is going to be bad? That doesn't change what I did... but would make him feel a lot worse.


----------



## ufwm

happy as a clam said:


> How often does your husband travel or take vacations without you? You mentioned you were feeling bored and a bit jealous. Is this an unresolved issue between the two of you? Are you resentful when he travels?
> 
> Just seems a bit odd that hubby regularly takes vacations alone with his friends. Not the marital "norm"; at least not in my experience.


He goes down south (Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, etc) twice a year, then has a few weekend trips with his friends. He goes with his friends or family. One trip down South is with his parents and sibling. I could go, he'd like if I went. I don't do planes. I have really bad anxiety on them and me on a plane is not a good time. When he goes away for the weekend he is with friends, I just don't really have fun and prefer not to go. His friends are really nice, but I prefer my small circle and get bored sitting there while everyone else drinks. I don't usually drink. 

It's not a huge issue between us. We don't fight day in and day out about it. He'd like me to go, it's not like I'm not invited. The weekend trips don't bother me much, sometimes time alone is nice. The longer 7-10 day trips in another country do get to me a bit. Mostly just jealousy that he's having a really good time and I'm not, or I'm bored or missing him. Jealousy that he has those experiences with other people (really, I only care about the females). Insecurities about who he is down there with. Once a year he and his friends go down south and it's a mix of men and women. There are histories there and yeah, it gets to me.


----------



## ufwm

azteca1986 said:


> Honestly OP, you're coming across as hopelessly naive, which might be a good thing in your situation. As a man, I know exactly what OM heard when a married woman with no kids told him her husband is hundreds of miles away.
> 
> I'd suggest that you write a timeline of exactly what happened as best as you remember. Just for your reference at the moment. Your opening post was very "sanitised" and you don't want to put your husband through the task of having to drag the truth out of you. Spare him that.
> 
> How long have you got till he returns?


And I don't... I don't know what he heard when I said things to him. I don't have experience with men like him. Maybe I'm just stupid, like you said. 

A timeline might help me put it together and remember better. I don't want to write that out, at all, but I suppose I have to... My husband comes home in two days.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> She said that she lives very close to the bar they met in.Even if the OM is the ONS type, it's still too tempting for him to know she is close by.
> 
> People in affairs do a lot of dangerous and risky stuff.


He's not just going to show up on my doorstep, knowing I'm married... I don't know if I gave him my number. Whoever said it, yes I know his name and some information about him (if it was even true).


----------



## ufwm

Graywolf2 said:


> Make sure that you’re not pregnant by the OM. *Get the morning after pill NOW.*
> 
> Sometimes married people that think they will never cheat walk to close to the edge because they consider themselves to be protected. It’s kind of like you can dance on the edge of the cliff because you have a safety harness. I think that's what happened in your case


I took Plan B the morning after. Well, technically the afternoon after. I never in a million years thought I would cheat.


----------



## ufwm

TAM2013 said:


> Women fvck up for casual. Men fvck down. My money OM was a pretty good looking player. And sokillme is very clever here. If adonis stuck around and declared his undying love for you OP (genuine or not), would you be feeling remorse or continued excitement? If it's the latter, you should leave your husband for his sake.
> 
> Also, just to throw it out there. You might want to give him 10 minutes before you tell him. He might have a revelation of his own he wants to tell you. WTF is he off travelling without his wife anyway?


"**** up" or "**** down" meaning someone more or less attractive than my husband? 

I'm not remorseful because he used me. Pump and dump, **** and chuck, whatever other name you can slap on. It hurts, and it makes me feel more like crap. I have never dealt with that before. It lasted about 1 second but my first thought when I woke up was glad that he wasn't there. I don't want anything further with him. I don't want to ever see him again. I don't want to leave my husband for someone else. 

My husband has never cheated on me. He's a better person than I am. He is with friends right now, they go down south together yearly. I don't go because I don't like planes, or drinking and sitting around wasted all day every day, or his friends. I don't dislike them, but I'm not totally comfortable around them I prefer my small group.


----------



## ufwm

harrybrown said:


> Have you put yourself in your H's shoes?
> 
> So he had a ONS in your bed.
> 
> The ONS do not just happen. you make several decisions to get into bed with the OM.
> 
> He and his buddies will be back. You were too easy and to close by the bar.
> 
> If you want to avoid him, now you need to move.
> 
> would it hurt you if your H had a ONS in your bed, in your home?
> 
> so what would you want him to do, if he had the ONS?
> 
> some have requested that the cheating spouse leave. If he does , where will you go? He will not want to be in the house anymore, you have ruined that. So why not put the house up for sale now before he gets back.
> 
> Were you upset that the OM was not there when you woke up? (Disappointed?)
> 
> Your H will not believe that your ever loved him for doing the deed in your house. the OM did not even have to pay for a motel room.
> 
> Ouch!


This is probably the most hurting reply. 

I have done enough insecure worrying over the years to not want to imagine my husband cheating on me. One time, a long time ago, one of us asked the other if they were cheated on would they want to know. I can't remember what he said, because I thought it would never happen. I am going to tell him. 

So I'm easy, I'm stupid and I'm a horrible wife and person.


----------



## Kivlor

Kerf said:


> He knows where she lives.Close to a bar that he might frequent.For all we know OM could be one of those "red pill" guys that does the push-pull game with women, so they "need and want" him more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The threat alone costs him nothing.Nor an anonymous tip.Who knows what might happen, if his male ego is hurt by OP.


You know, it's odd you mention RP guys, because this thread is a billboard advertisement for RP.


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> He goes down south (Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, etc) twice a year, then has a few weekend trips with his friends. He goes with his friends or family. One trip down South is with his parents and sibling. I could go, he'd like if I went. I don't do planes. I have really bad anxiety on them and me on a plane is not a good time. When he goes away for the weekend he is with friends, I just don't really have fun and prefer not to go. His friends are really nice, but I prefer my small circle and get bored sitting there while everyone else drinks. I don't usually drink.
> 
> It's not a huge issue between us. We don't fight day in and day out about it. He'd like me to go, it's not like I'm not invited. The weekend trips don't bother me much, sometimes time alone is nice. *The longer 7-10 day trips in another country do get to me a bit. Mostly just jealousy that he's having a really good time and I'm not, or I'm bored or missing him. Jealousy that he has those experiences with other people (really, I only care about the females). Insecurities about who he is down there with. Once a year he and his friends go down south and it's a mix of men and women. There are histories there and yeah, it gets to me.*


And now we get to the root of the matter.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> He knows where she lives.Close to a bar that he might frequent.For all we know OM could be one of those "red pill" guys that does the push-pull game with women, so they "need and want" him more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The threat alone costs him nothing.Nor an anonymous tip.Who knows what might happen, if his male ego is hurt by OP.


What is a "red pill guy"?


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I'm sure he'll think of me that way too... and anyone else who finds out.
> 
> I'm worried that I won't be able to answer all the questions he has and he will think I'm hiding things. I can't remember everything. I'd like to forget it all, but there is missing chunks and parts that feel like trying to remember or describe a dream. You remember it, but you don't. You know what happened but don't. I've never drank however much I drank.
> 
> I don't want him to cheat to get back at me... I don't know if that is fair or not... I feel like I'd die, but I guess that's how he's going to feel...
> 
> *Am I really suppose to tell the truth to questions like "was he bigger than me" *if the answer is going to be bad? That doesn't change what I did... but would make him feel a lot worse.


The truth shall set you free. If you continue to lie you have to keep up with that lie. Hard to keep so many lies order. 

And yes, if the OM was larger it will affect you H. Your H may not ask but he will think about it. Mind movies. 

Personally, I think this a lost cause. You defiled the marital bed, home and completely disrespected you H because of boredom, jealousy and wanting to test drive another man.


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> So I'm easy, I'm stupid and I'm a horrible wife and person.


You made a bad choice. That is all.


----------



## ufwm

Taxman said:


> I believe that the biggest thing that a cheater cannot do, is put themselves in their betrayed spouse's shoes. They see that they are in trouble, as the OP does, and worries about the future. I had absolutely no idea what I put my wife through. Not only did I have an affair, when she kicked me out, I went totally silent for about 3 days. Neither my wife, nor my parents, nor my friends and acquaintances knew where I was. (Truth be told, I was holed up in a cheap motel, having a breakdown) When I emerged, I moved in with the AP. When I woke up and realized the AP was a really stupid idea, I begged for a reconciliation.
> 
> As part of the reconciliation, my wife wanted me to feel everything that she felt. As a condition for reconciliation, my wife demanded to go on a date, with someone other than me,(Her words). A week later, she told me that a co-worker asked her out. As she expected, he took her to a bar, bought her a drink and made a pass. She accepted and they ended up at a cheap motel. They, of course, did the deed, and the next evening I was invited over to get the entire story. It felt as if she had reached down my throat and pulled out my beating heart. It would have been better had I just jumped out the window. I got to feel like a eunuch. Not only did my pure innocent wife go out and f**k a completely inappropriate guy, it was in response to what I did. Yeah, I had to live with that. She let me know that there are consequences to infidelity. She had considered that there were several ways to go: She thought that she would go straight to the divorce attorneys, or, that she would take me back with no consequences. She decided that she did want me back, but that I had to have consequences. A lot of people would say that my consequence should have been a guilty conscience for the rest of my life, however, she wanted something a lot more concrete, and if it did not work out, then she had a nice date to start her single life. This was her solution. I had no choices in the matter. This was my sentence for my indiscretion.
> 
> I don't know how your husband will react. I know how I did, and it was not good. I spent the better part of a month, yelling and screaming at the four walls. I did not eat for literally weeks, I lived on coffee and cigarettes until my mother got concerned that I was going to have a heart attack. Then I calmed down, I realized that I had paid the price. We reconciled, and are really happy and solid THIRTY NINE YEARS LATER.


Is it common for a spouse to be cheated on then want to cheat themselves? That's twice I've read it here now... I'm suppose to let him sleep with someone else to get back at me? I don't want that.... I don't think I could deal with that... I guess I deserve it though...


----------



## LosingHim

EVERYBODY has a reason they cheat. That does not make it your BS fault, but there is always SOMETHING behind it. Whether it’s feeling neglected in your relationship, low self esteem, being unhappy, etc. There is always a reason there. SOMETHING that has made you vulnerable to cheating. As a human being, we are all responsible for doing the right thing and leaving that relationship rather than cheating. A lot of people do. Others DO wantonly seek out the companionship or sex with someone else of the opposite sex and lie, hide and cultivate a relationship with another person. And then there are others who do NOT seek out something like this, are fallible and make a horrible choice like this and immediately regret it. That is the group that I feel like she falls into. To say she went to a bar with girlfriends because she wanted the D is absurd. Her husband can go on jaunts across the countries but she can’t go to the bar with some girlfriends without being a wh*re who just wanted some strange? And because she’d LOOKED at another man before? GASP! Put her in the town square and stone her to DEATH. And since she’d made eye contact with someone earlier in the night she obviously planned this? Come the F on. NONE of those things leading up to this are cheating or even show intent of cheating. Pushing a boundary MAYBE. Things went downhill when the man came to sit with her and she accepted the drink. Anything before that doesn’t mean she’s a sleezebag who was out looking for the D. Y’all kill me. We have countless WS who come here who don’t know the meaning of the word honesty or remorse, but yet you’re choosing to beat the hell out of someone who has come here that feels like scum, is insisting to tell her husband, regardless of the consequences and wants advice on what she should do, even though she knows it’s probably the end of her marriage……….and you just keep insisting on holding the boot on her neck and making her eat dirt.

Is there any wonder WS don’t post much here? Is there any wonder they all run away? You don’t have to hold her hand and tell her she’s a precious little cupcake, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t need kicked in the face either.


----------



## mickybill

ufwm said:


> So I'm easy, I'm stupid and I'm a horrible wife and person.


Up until you did the ONS you were a normal faithful wife, you just did an incredibly stupid and horrible thing, once.

When you told the OM that your H was on vacay and you were left home...well technically in a bar. Alone. He knew that while you may not consider yourself "easy" that night you were. Did he use the line "Baby, I would never leave such a beautiful woman alone..." He was handsome and very good at the game and saw you checking him out...

PS-
Your story has evolved and it;s what we around here call the Trickle Truth - Do not TT your husband, each "one more thing" resets his hurt and betrayed meter back to 0.
Write it out, take notes for yourself if you become flustered under pressure


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> Is it common for a spouse to be cheated on then want to cheat themselves? That's twice I've read it here now... I'm suppose to let him sleep with someone else to get back at me? I don't want that.... I don't think I could deal with that... I guess I deserve it though...


Most do not go cheat to get back at their spouse. Don't recommend it. Only adds to the problem at hand.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I'm not going to fall into an affair or cheat again... I don't want to. I don't want to search for someone to hurt me and take advantage... I'm stupid but I'm not that messed up... If he hadn't been attractive, I wouldn't have looked at him in the first place or kept looking at him... Let's be honest. I don't usually look at other men, if I find them really attractive sometimes I have a hard time not looking at them.


You didn't search or want for this ONS either, right?

Women don't have to "look for it".Plenty of men will _look _ for vulnerable, naive and lonely women.They will listen to you complaining about your H's travels and wait for their chance.It's referred to as grooming for an affair.

You will have more problems with your marriage down the line.You will be more vulnerable than you think.You may let friendship with co-worker or a neighbor get too far.


----------



## Mromines

ufwm said:


> Am I really suppose to tell the truth to questions like "was he bigger than me" if the answer is going to be bad? .


Oh my. 

When you tell him, he is sure to ask. Basically, you not only did another man in your husband's bed - but you did another man who probably is better looking than your husband and packing a larger tool to boot.

Ouch.

There's not a man on Earth (who isn't into the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle that is) who can handle the above very well.

I guess the only bright spot in what you have done...is if he replies that, yeah - well - he's been doing women on all these trips he's gone on without you and your ONS isn't all that big of a deal. If that could even remotely be called a bright spot that is....

What a mess.


----------



## snerg

Yeswecan said:


> The truth shall set you free. If you continue to lie you have to keep up with that lie. Hard to keep so many lies order.
> 
> And yes, if the OM was larger it will affect you H. Your H may not ask but he will think about it. Mind movies.
> 
> Personally, I think this a lost cause. You defiled the marital bed, home and completely disrespected you H because of *boredom, jealousy* and wanting to test drive another man.


Worse, the boredom and jealousy were of her own creation because she didn't want to go.


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> What is a "red pill guy"?


What she means is a Pick Up Artist or PUA.

Red Pill is a broader term.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> He goes down south (Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, etc) twice a year, then has a few weekend trips with his friends. He goes with his friends or family. One trip down South is with his parents and sibling. I could go, he'd like if I went. I don't do planes. I have really bad anxiety on them and me on a plane is not a good time. When he goes away for the weekend he is with friends, I just don't really have fun and prefer not to go. His friends are really nice, but I prefer my small circle and get bored sitting there while everyone else drinks. I don't usually drink.
> 
> It's not a huge issue between us. We don't fight day in and day out about it. He'd like me to go, it's not like I'm not invited. The weekend trips don't bother me much, sometimes time alone is nice. The longer 7-10 day trips in another country do get to me a bit. Mostly just jealousy that he's having a really good time and I'm not, or I'm bored or missing him. Jealousy that he has those experiences with other people (really, I only care about the females). Insecurities about who he is down there with. Once a year he and his friends go down south and it's a mix of men and women. There are histories there and yeah, it gets to me.


I suspect this is all going to change.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> What is a "red pill guy"?


You might want to google it.It's referencing something from a movie.They are men "unplugged from the matrix" and believe that women only want the bad boys.That you treat a woman like crap and she gets addicted to you.On the other hand, if you are nice to her, you are a doormat and she'll only use as you as a "provider" while banging the "bad boy" on the side.


----------



## Taxman

OP
FIRST-even if he was 10" and a beer can in circumference, YOU WILL LIE TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TELL HIM IT WAS TEENY. Otherwise you can expect the divorce fairly immediately. If memory serves there was a poster on SI a few years ago, I believe the couple was asian, and his wife went with a black guy, who was massively endowed. He limped along until she said she had developed a taste for the bigger things in life, and left him. Pretty much destroyed his manhood in the deal, and he was suicidal.

Second: You had better get over your fear of flying, because, if you do not want the few trips a year to become sex tours, you had better come along. You already demonstrated that you cannot be left to your own devices without betraying your husband, so you can expect to lose any modicum of freedom you have, or you will have a massive amount of freedom as a divorcee.

Third: Find a way of telling him that does not crush him and destroy both of you. And do not expect that he will keep it in his pants. There are plenty of guys who will, but....this is a direct attack on his manhood. You may think it directly affects you, but when you opened your legs, you effectively took a scissors to your husband's testes. He will want to get them back in some way shape or form. His buddies will tell him to get out there and f**k everything that moves. You may not get a lot of say in what he does.

Fourth; Don't expect your drunkeness to be the excuse you think it is. The affair is 100% your fault. He will be looking for justice. He may want to punish you. That can take many forms from telling everyone you know that you are a ***** (That was my first reaction, her dad got my call, and I told him point blank that I may be a bastard, but he raised a *****, then to be a total bastard, I told him all the things that my wife confided in me about her sisters. That went over like a pork-chop at a bar mitzvah, when I hung up and left him with the thought that he raised four *****s-like I said, SCORCHED EARTH) to kicking you out, to summarily filing for divorce.

Finally, and this is the likeliest outcome: Expect to have the promise of a child to be put on a back burner for a very long time. Your actions will have him possibly examining his desire to have a child with you.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> Am I really suppose to tell the truth to questions like "was he bigger than me" if the answer is going to be bad? That doesn't change what I did... but would make him feel a lot worse.


 Personally that is one I would try to leave out. If it is really irrelevant to what happened.


----------



## sokillme

Kivlor said:


> You know, it's odd you mention RP guys, because this thread is a billboard advertisement for RP.


She even uses red pill terms like pump and dump. :scratchhead:


----------



## LosingHim

The questions you will get will vary. No one knows what YOUR husband will say. Mine was not interested in any real details. He was more interested in pretty much telling me that I did him wrong and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. To him, he was just done. He never called me a wh*re or any names actually. The only thing he really said to me was that I’d always needed too much attention from men, whether it be compliments or friendships. My husband actually offered me a LOT of grace in the insult and questions department, in the fact that there wasn’t much of either. He was very angry and he was very hurt but in the verbal area, he held back. 

I lied to my husband for 2 years about my one night stand. He has told me many times if I would’ve just come clean with him from the get go that things would be a lot different. Lying to him for 2 years is what made him want a divorce. That’s what made him question everything about me. That’s what really destroyed his feelings for me – according to him.

My husband did have an RA. (Or mine was an RA, depending on who you ask). But either way you look at it, he definitely had an affair in response to my ONS. Yes, it has completely hurt like HELL. But I cannot fathomably blame him if it truly was an RA in his mind. He has said that it was. There’s not a darn thing you can do if he wants to have an RA. You don’t have to stay if he does. There’s also no predictor as to whether or not he will. 

Just be 100% honest. That’s all you can do at this point.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> You didn't search or want for this ONS either, right?
> 
> Women don't have to "look for it".Plenty of men will _look _ for vulnerable, naive and lonely women.They will listen to you complaining about your H's travels and wait for their chance.It's referred to as grooming for an affair.
> 
> You will have more problems with your marriage down the line.You will be more vulnerable than you think.You may let friendship with co-worker or a neighbor get too far.


So I'm just going to keep banging any man that looks at me? I'm that pathetic?


----------



## ufwm

mickybill said:


> Up until you did the ONS you were a normal faithful wife, you just did an incredibly stupid and horrible thing, once.
> 
> When you told the OM that your H was on vacay and you were left home...well technically in a bar. Alone. He knew that while you may not consider yourself "easy" that night you were. Did he use the line "Baby, I would never leave such a beautiful woman alone..." He was handsome and very good at the game and saw you checking him out...
> 
> PS-
> Your story has evolved and it;s what we around here call the Trickle Truth - Do not TT your husband, each "one more thing" resets his hurt and betrayed meter back to 0.
> Write it out, take notes for yourself if you become flustered under pressure


It only takes once for the world to decide you're a horrible person. 

He said a lot of things like that. If I said something negative he followed with something positive. To make himself look better, I guess... And I was stupid enough to bite.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> She even uses red pill terms like pump and dump. :scratchhead:


Maybe I'm just stupid, or more stupid than has already been established, but I don't understand how what I wrote is "a billboard advertisement for RP." Maybe I'm just not grasping the concept, I don't know... He wasn't an *******, until he left I guess. I'm just confused...


----------



## sokillme

LosingHim said:


> EVERYBODY has a reason they cheat. That does not make it your BS fault, but there is always SOMETHING behind it. Whether it’s feeling neglected in your relationship, low self esteem, being unhappy, etc. There is always a reason there. SOMETHING that has made you vulnerable to cheating. As a human being, we are all responsible for doing the right thing and leaving that relationship rather than cheating. A lot of people do. Others DO wantonly seek out the companionship or sex with someone else of the opposite sex and lie, hide and cultivate a relationship with another person. And then there are others who do NOT seek out something like this, are fallible and make a horrible choice like this and immediately regret it. That is the group that I feel like she falls into. To say she went to a bar with girlfriends because she wanted the D is absurd. Her husband can go on jaunts across the countries but she can’t go to the bar with some girlfriends without being a wh*re who just wanted some strange? And because she’d LOOKED at another man before? GASP! Put her in the town square and stone her to DEATH. And since she’d made eye contact with someone earlier in the night she obviously planned this? Come the F on. NONE of those things leading up to this are cheating or even show intent of cheating. Pushing a boundary MAYBE. Things went downhill when the man came to sit with her and she accepted the drink. Anything before that doesn’t mean she’s a sleezebag who was out looking for the D. Y’all kill me. We have countless WS who come here who don’t know the meaning of the word honesty or remorse, but yet you’re choosing to beat the hell out of someone who has come here that feels like scum, is insisting to tell her husband, regardless of the consequences and wants advice on what she should do, even though she knows it’s probably the end of her marriage……….and you just keep insisting on holding the boot on her neck and making her eat dirt.
> 
> Is there any wonder WS don’t post much here? Is there any wonder they all run away? You don’t have to hold her hand and tell her she’s a precious little cupcake, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t need kicked in the face either.


I don't agree with calling people names, but I think people are being harsh because she took the guy into her married bed not because she looked at another man. 

She should tell her husband for herself as much as him. She also needs to get to the heart of why she did this. To me it seems to do with insecurity, it's the same reason she doesn't go on the trips and is jealous of the friends. It really has nothing to do with the husband because he wants her to go. 

Oh and as far as we know her husband didn't cheat so the idea that him going on trips that she is welcome to go on and doesn't tell him not to is a false equivalency.


----------



## ufwm

LosingHim said:


> The questions you will get will vary. No one knows what YOUR husband will say. Mine was not interested in any real details. He was more interested in pretty much telling me that I did him wrong and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. To him, he was just done. He never called me a wh*re or any names actually. The only thing he really said to me was that I’d always needed too much attention from men, whether it be compliments or friendships. My husband actually offered me a LOT of grace in the insult and questions department, in the fact that there wasn’t much of either. He was very angry and he was very hurt but in the verbal area, he held back.
> 
> I lied to my husband for 2 years about my one night stand. He has told me many times if I would’ve just come clean with him from the get go that things would be a lot different. Lying to him for 2 years is what made him want a divorce. That’s what made him question everything about me. That’s what really destroyed his feelings for me – according to him.
> 
> My husband did have an RA. (Or mine was an RA, depending on who you ask). But either way you look at it, he definitely had an affair in response to my ONS. Yes, it has completely hurt like HELL. But I cannot fathomably blame him if it truly was an RA in his mind. He has said that it was. There’s not a darn thing you can do if he wants to have an RA. You don’t have to stay if he does. There’s also no predictor as to whether or not he will.
> 
> Just be 100% honest. That’s all you can do at this point.


My husband is generally a really calm guy and he doesn't lose it often. In 10 years of knowing him I've seen him lose it twice, neither time was directed at me. Once was when we were out with friends and one of them hit one of the female friends, that was physical and verbal and a mess. The other time was when he saw his ex out with someone else, he punched the guy and called his ex a *****, and said some other things about her. There was other circumstances around that, but what I'm going to get will probably be worse. 

I don't know how I would deal with him cheating to get back at me... Is RA revenge affair, response affair? First thing I could come up with. It kills just thinking about it... He is capable, probably, if he wanted to. I don't want that.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> So I'm just going to keep banging any man that looks at me? I'm that pathetic?


What?This is not close to what i wrote.

You are very naive to how affairs start.It's not just about ONS'S.Vulnerable and naive people let "innocent friendships" progress into something more and not so innocent.

There's also something called an "Emotional affair".That doesn't involve actual sex at all.


----------



## Yeswecan

LosingHim said:


> Just be 100% honest. That’s all you can do at this point.


This^^

Stop answering the red pill and such post. Enough have made their point. Time to work on how you will approach your H. How to handle the forthcoming fallout. How to recover if offered.


----------



## sokillme

Kerf said:


> You might want to google it.It's referencing something from a movie.They are men "unplugged from the matrix" and believe that women only want the bad boys.That you treat a woman like crap and she gets addicted to you.On the other hand, if you are nice to her, you are a doormat and she'll only use as you as a "provider" while banging the "bad boy" on the side.


Unfortunately there ends up being some truth to it, as some women are very much like this. Redpill is re-enforced by guys who have had dealings with these types of women. The problem is they say all women are like this.


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> Maybe I'm just stupid, or more stupid than has already been established, but I don't understand how what I wrote is "a billboard advertisement for RP." Maybe I'm just not grasping the concept, I don't know... He wasn't an *******, until he left I guess. I'm just confused...


This whole thread, your comments, and others' comments too.

This story is a billboard advertisement for Red Pill (RP) because RP basically says women are treacherous and will turn on you given the chance, and that society favors them, so when they do, as a guy, you're royally screwed.

Let me demonstrate how this story is an advertisement to Red Pill concepts:

A man and woman fall in love and marry. The man treats his wife well. In fact, she has little bad to say about him. She says *"I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted."*

This woman's H goes on a trip out of country (and invites his wife) who declines. Then, once he's safely out of sight, she decides she's jealous that he's having fun out of country without her (even though she was invited and declined to go) and so she goes out to a bar with some friends, makes eye contact with some guy, and stays behind once her friends leave. She then proceeds to take this man back to her house, and **** him in the marital bed of this husband she supposedly loves. Oh, and she doesn't bother with condoms or birth control...

But wifey-poo won't do this ever again. She's learned a lesson. If only hubby will not leave her.

This begs the Red Pill Question: If this is how women treat you when they love you, when you treat them well, and when they claim to want to spend their life with you... *Why would you ever marry one?*

ETA: I have worded this explicitly as it would be tossed onto a RP forum. Your cheating could be a poster child used as an example on RP forums for some new guy looking into RP.


----------



## italianjob

ufwm said:


> So I'm just going to keep banging any man that looks at me? I'm that pathetic?


I don't know that. Sure enough you have a 100% percentage up to this point...

A wife that will **** the first guy making a pass, in my own home and marital bed... Unprotected... No kids...

I see no reason why he should stay married to you, honestly...


----------



## Thor

ufwm said:


> Am I really suppose to tell the truth to questions like "was he bigger than me" if the answer is going to be bad? That doesn't change what I did... but would make him feel a lot worse.


Questions like that you answer with the following: You will answer his question completely honestly but you want him to think about whether he really truly wants the answer. You ask that he think on it for a while, perhaps sleep on it overnight. If he still wants the answer, then you will give him the complete and unvarnished truth.

This would apply to all kinds of questions. Some betrayed spouses need all the dirty details, whereas others only need generalities. If he gets the details, he may suffer "mind movies" of the act. On the other hand, not getting the details could lead to his imagination running away and coming up with far worse than what actually happened. The goal then is to be sure he really wants to know, rather than is tossing out questions in a state of anger or emotional distress.

One option if he is worried you are stalling is for you to offer to write the answer right then, seal it in an envelope, and give it to him. He can then sit on it for a while to decide if he really wants to read it. This way you are giving him the full truth immediately. You don't want to appear unwilling to answer or that you are trying to stall for time.


----------



## Taxman

ufwm said:


> Is it common for a spouse to be cheated on then want to cheat themselves? That's twice I've read it here now... I'm suppose to let him sleep with someone else to get back at me? I don't want that.... I don't think I could deal with that... I guess I deserve it though...


It was the last thing that I expected out of her. To be frank it absolutely floored me. I had an image that was pure ethical and upright, and the last thing I expected was for her to say yes to the first guy who asked. it is true, women can literally snap their fingers to have an affair. I hate to say it but you opened the door. I have also been made aware of the existence of something called a "hall pass". That is what a wayward spouse offers their betrayed spouse as a form of compensation or equalization. There was a poster on Surviving Infidelity, whose wife gave in to the guy who was renovating their house. It went on for weeks and was degrading. The BH of course found out. She offered a hall pass almost immediately in an effort to keep him. They limped along for five years until he could take no more. He went scorched earth, told everyone they knew that she had stepped out. He told their grown children, and then he moved across country for six months and began numerous relationships. She was left a social pariah. Most of their friends, once the truth was out turned their backs on her. When he saw her months later, she looked haggard. She was a shadow of her former self. She literally was a shut-in. He decided that her punishment was sufficient. Although he waffled because of some other things that came out, ultimately she paid a high price, and he was gracious enough to not let her endure this for the rest of her life, but he admitted that he could have just as easily consigned her to a life, especially in her fifties, without anyone.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> So I'm just going to keep banging any man that looks at me? I'm that pathetic?


Right now you have poor boundaries and impulse control yeah. Now is not the time to be incredulous, now is the time to correct those things. Right at this moment when the beginning of the consequences are fresh, sure you won't do it. But 3 years from now if your marriage is in bad shape or you got away with it, and some guy comes along and says all the right things to make you desperately want it, your poor boundaries and impulse control will probably lead you down the wrong path. 

Part of the key to being faithful is never being in a position to be tempted to cheat. That is why you never sit at a table with a strange man alone at a bar when you are married for instance. These are things you need to learn about yourself, why you did what you did where you are week.


----------



## Thor

ufwm said:


> I'll read the book. I know how bad I'm feeling and he's going to feel 100x worse, I can't imagine that. I called some therapist offices and found one that has an appointment available tomorrow. Hopefully it will help... even a little. Might as well get comfortable there because either way I'll probably be spending a lot of time there.
> 
> I'm worried that I will get nervous and say the wrong thing or forget to say something and have to tell him later. Or that I'll say something wrong and he'll take it the wrong way. I don't want him to think it was his fault, because it wasn't... If he asks why I did it, I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming him.


Tell the therapist your goals and immediate needs. The therapist should be able to offer some simple approaches and tools for your first discussions with your husband. If the therapist tries to push for you to not tell your husband, I would state that you have already decided to tell him and you need help with that. If the therapist is not willing to help you with your specific immediate needs, don't let them talk you into doing something you don't want to do.

The second part of what you wrote seems like a good thing to say to your husband.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> Personally that is one I would try to leave out. If it is really irrelevant to what happened.


I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.

I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> Maybe I'm just stupid, or more stupid than has already been established, but I don't understand how what I wrote is "a billboard advertisement for RP." Maybe I'm just not grasping the concept, I don't know... He wasn't an *******, until he left I guess. I'm just confused...


Haven't you ever heard that some men only want and will do anything to get you into bed?Then dump you?Well, they will also do that to the same woman, repeatedly.And some women will continue to chase a man that is "emotionally unavailable" or even married himself, to change and fix him or whatever.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> Maybe I'm just stupid, or more stupid than has already been established, but I don't understand how what I wrote is "a billboard advertisement for RP." Maybe I'm just not grasping the concept, I don't know... He wasn't an *******, until he left I guess. I'm just confused...


The concept is it doesn't pay to be a good guy because in one night a good looking smoove talking guy can basically steal your girl away. Redpill says it's better to be that good looking smoove talking guy. (the basic premise is that sex is the ultimate status for a man, that to me is where it all falls apart). 

Anyway your thread kind of follows that rule to a T. You even had sex in your marriage bed which to most is the ultimate form of disrespect, and the guy was bigger. These are basically every guys worst fears of what his wife would do to him. No offense but you couldn't have written a better script, it almost seems too close.


----------



## uhtred

Not going to drop this one yet. Your memories are hazy. You say this is not normal behavior for you. YOu don't normally drink all that much. You felt terribly hung over the next day.

It could be that you got drunk and lost track. Drugging could include making drinks more potent than normal with extra alcohol.

I'm not letting you off the hook completely, you did go to a bar and chat with a guy - but something doesn't seem quite right. 

Any chance there is video from the bar? 





ufwm said:


> I can't remember how much I drank. I wasn't drugged, it's not like I blacked out and remember nothing. And if I were he wouldn't of known where I lived. I sat with him for quite a while... I've never had a hang over before and it was horrible, I felt like I was going to die. The most I have drank in one night was 2-3 drinks. 3 I think once. I have never been hung over before so it had to have been more than that. It's fuzzy and there are some missing chunks but I remember.


----------



## sokillme

Thor said:


> Questions like that you answer with the following: You will answer his question completely honestly but you want him to think about whether he really truly wants the answer. You ask that he think on it for a while, perhaps sleep on it overnight. If he still wants the answer, then you will give him the complete and unvarnished truth.


I think that is answer enough to infer what the deal is.


----------



## Kivlor

sokillme said:


> The concept is it doesn't pay to be a good guy because in one night a good looking smoove talking guy can basically steal your girl away. Tedpill says it's better to be that good looking smoove talking guy. (the basic premise is that sex is the ultimate status for a man, that to me is where it all falls apart).
> 
> Anyway your thread kind of follows that rule to a T. You even had sex in your marriage bed which to most is the ultimate form of disrespect, and the guy was bigger. These are basically every guys worst fears of what his wife would do to him. No offense but you couldn't have written a better script, it almost seems too close.


Yep, this^^^. To be clear, I don't think anyone is questioning your story OP. It's just that it's a perfect match for RP sites.

To be clear, RP generally says that you shouldn't have long-term relationships with women, because of what you've done. Especially no getting married because of this exact scenario. See, if your H hadn't married you, he wouldn't be facing all the legal issues of a divorce. And if you're pregnant, depending on jurisdiction, he's liable for that kid regardless of whether or not it's his. (Like Germany and France, for example in Europe. Or Michigan & Florida in the USA)

Whereas, if I keep my girlfriend around, and never marry, and we have kids, but I don't put my name on the Birth Certificate, she's going to have to PROVE I'm the daddy before she can nail me down in a lot of jurisdictions. In other words, it's always better/safer to be a cad than a dad.


----------



## Mromines

ufwm said:


> I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.
> 
> I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


This just keeps getting better...meaning worse.

So, your husband is having some trouble with erections...has never lasted very long - like under a minute...and you never orgasm. Plus takes trips away from you which you could go on but don't - and you get jealous of the women on said trips.

Oh, and you up and have sex with the first guy who talks to you...in your marital bed....having just met him...in a bar....after you friends conveniently left...after making eye contact with him several times.

Sheesh.


----------



## azteca1986

ufwm said:


> And I don't... I don't know what he heard when I said things to him.


If you're letting him buy you drinks, allow him to criticise your husband without you pulling OM up for it... and then you tell him you're all alone for the night. You'd be telling him you're open to sleeping with him. You can literally google - _How to sleep with a married woman_ - and it lays out all the steps for you.


> I don't have experience with men like him.


That's become obvious the more you've posted.


> Maybe I'm just stupid, like you said.


Hey, I didn't say you were stupid. I said you were naive. Big difference.


> A timeline might help me put it together and remember better. I don't want to write that out, at all, but I suppose I have to... My husband comes home in two days.


Okay that's good. Write the timeline for yourself, for now. It's better to be active rather than dwelling or feeling sorry for yourself, which aren't productive.

Are you eating properly?


----------



## sokillme

Taxman said:


> It was the last thing that I expected out of her. To be frank it absolutely floored me. I had an image that was pure ethical and upright, and the last thing I expected was for her to say yes to the first guy who asked. it is true, women can literally snap their fingers to have an affair. I hate to say it but you opened the door. I have also been made aware of the existence of something called a "hall pass". That is what a wayward spouse offers their betrayed spouse as a form of compensation or equalization. There was a poster on Surviving Infidelity, whose wife gave in to the guy who was renovating their house. It went on for weeks and was degrading. The BH of course found out. She offered a hall pass almost immediately in an effort to keep him. They limped along for five years until he could take no more. He went scorched earth, told everyone they knew that she had stepped out. He told their grown children, and then he moved across country for six months and began numerous relationships. She was left a social pariah. Most of their friends, once the truth was out turned their backs on her. When he saw her months later, she looked haggard. She was a shadow of her former self. She literally was a shut-in. He decided that her punishment was sufficient. Although he waffled because of some other things that came out, ultimately she paid a high price, and he was gracious enough to not let her endure this for the rest of her life, but he admitted that he could have just as easily consigned her to a life, especially in her fifties, without anyone.


He said the friends rallied around her. She wasn't a social pariah. :laugh:

He is still unhappy and always will be. He just can't accept it.


----------



## Mromines

uhtred said:


> Not going to drop this one yet. Your memories are hazy. You say this is not normal behavior for you. YOu don't normally drink all that much. You felt terribly hung over the next day.
> 
> It could be that you got drunk and lost track. Drugging could include making drinks more potent than normal with extra alcohol.
> 
> I'm not letting you off the hook completely, you did go to a bar and chat with a guy - but something doesn't seem quite right.
> 
> Any chance there is video from the bar?


Agreed. Drugging sounds plausible, despite what she admitted to prior to the sex. Also, seeing as she says has foggy memories and says doesn't even remember the guy leaving - I'm wondering if the guy didn't rob more than the OP's honor. She ought to check to see if anything is missing from her house, check her credit, and even change the locks on her house. This guy could have taken her house keys and return anytime he wishes.


----------



## Yeswecan

ufwm said:


> I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.
> 
> I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


Well...most go to the doctors check on physical reason. Some go to a IC with a therapist in this field. 

As far as insecurities, what has transpired has created a mountain of insecurities now.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.
> 
> I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


Interesting that this comes up. Why aren't you saying this stuff from the get go. Next you tell us he is 5 foot 2 and balding. 

Anyway think of it like this, you are insecure because you are a little chunky and he tells you the girl he had an affair with is skinny and in great shape. What would be the point of telling you that, all it is going to do is hurt you. 

It's good that the sex wasn't good. At least there is that.


----------



## Yeswecan

Mromines said:


> Agreed. Drugging sounds plausible, despite what she admitted to prior to the sex. Also, seeing as she says has foggy memories and says doesn't even remember the guy leaving - I'm wondering if the guy didn't rob more than the OP's honor. She ought to check to see if anything is missing from her house, check her credit, and even change the locks on her house. This guy could have taken her house keys and return anytime he wishes.


Date rape drug, one effect, completely blacking out. OP states she recalls most of it.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> The other time was when he saw his ex out with someone else, he punched the guy and called his ex a *****, and said some other things about her. There was other circumstances around that, but what I'm going to get will probably be worse.


Did his ex cheat on him with that guy?Were you, your H's rebound?Why does he still care so much as to punch the guy, in front of you?*This.is.a.problem.*




ufwm said:


> For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.



Again, this is bad.You have many problems in your marriage.They will probably only get worse as time goes, unless you don't address them with *complete honesty.
*

Your H may still be hung up on his ex, if he really never had problems in bed before, and is still mad at her.


----------



## Mizzbak

ufwm said:


> I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.
> 
> I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


I'd imagine that a lot of this had a lot do with the stress of trying for a baby. Having sex with a purpose that is not intimacy and shared pleasure always seems to affect things badly. 
@ufwm, there is something important about the way that you are writing about yourself that is disturbing me. Your *actions* were morally wrong. I agree with that. But you need to separate yourself as a person out from what you did. You did an awful thing - you are not an awful or revolting person. The fact that you feel guilt and shame about what you did, is a clear indication that you are more than able to choose wisely and better going forward. Remember that you have value and worth, in spite of what you did. 

There is not a single person posting on this thread who has not also done something that has hurt the one they love. Who has not acted selfishly or without due care. They may not have sexually cheated on a spouse, but I challenge them all on this - to state that they have never done a morally wrong thing that has hurt their loved one.

I'm going to suggest that you stop posting on this forum. At least until after you have had your counselling session. There are a lot of people here who have baggage from their own cheating spouses. And you do not need their anger in addition to your own right now.


----------



## Thor

Start thinking about questions he will likely ask. Formulate answers. At first he is going to be angry and in shock, so he will likely throw a lot of questions at you which may not require deep thoughtful answers. Just don't give bad answers.

Bad answers are things like you felt jealous of him being away having fun, that there were other women there with him, or whatever it is you meant by there being histories there. Anything that seems to be putting blame on him for anything is a bad answer. He is an imperfect person, as are all of us, so he has done some things wrong in your marriage, but this is not the time to mention any of them.

Good answers point back to you as having made a bad choice. If he asks how you could have done this or why you did it, turn it on yourself. You don't know how you could be so stupid, this is not who you wanted to be. You have already started seeing a therapist to try to figure out how you let yourself do this. Say quite specifically that this is not his fault, it is 100% your fault. Note that you don't have to provide a deep specific answer. He is going to be upset, and he isn't likely to remember all the details of what you say anyway. What he wants to hear is that you messed up, and it wasn't his fault.

He'll probably repeat several questions many times. Just give him the broken record, restating what you already said but perhaps using slightly different words. It was a terrible thing to do to him, you are horrified that you did it, you didn't want to hurt him, it was all your fault, it was not his fault at all. You want to go to MC with him to figure out the marriage.

At some point you will have to apologize to him for betraying his trust and hurting him. You will have to ask for his forgiveness. You will have to make amends, which probably means asking him what he needs you to do. These are the kinds of things the MC should help guide you through.

MCs sometimes skip over the infidelity part and move right to building a new relationship. It is a 2 part process, not 1 part. Don't let the MC in any way blame your husband for your affair. You can also work on building better a relationship, and you will have to do that. This would be things like communicating better, talking about what you each need more of or less of in the relationship. The obvious danger is mistakenly connecting the problems in the relationship with your choice to cheat. There are explanations of how you got to where you were and had the affair, but those are not excuses. Keep this distinction clearly in your mind as you talk to your husband and go to MC.


----------



## Taxman

The truth of the matter is that he could have just about done anything in her house and she is so overwrought over the sex that she hasn't checked her jewellery box or for that matter he could have taken copies of all of their credit information and has opened a ton of credit cards in her name. That, would have gotten my wife shipped to Hong Kong in a FedEx box. She opened pandora's box, and since she can't remember him leaving, she was passed out drunk, and he may have well done more than just sampled the treasures between her legs, he could have sampled the delights of using someone else's credit.

Secondarily, had my wife taken her RA to our marriage bed, even though I was out of the house at that time, there would have been one outcome; I would have set fire to the bed, with her strapped to it. That, ma'am is the ultimate FU*K YOU to your husband. If you are planning on telling him, have the good grace to have a new bed ready for delivery, and have the old one sitting in the backyard with some gasoline and kindling on top.


----------



## jld

Mizzbak said:


> I'd imagine that a lot of this had a lot do with the stress of trying for a baby. Having sex with a purpose that is not intimacy and shared pleasure always seems to affect things badly.
> 
> @ufwm, there is something important about the way that you are writing about yourself that is disturbing me. Your *actions* were morally wrong. I agree with that. But you need to separate yourself as a person out from what you did. You did an awful thing - you are not an awful or revolting person. The fact that you feel guilt and shame about what you did, is a clear indication that you are more than able to choose wisely and better going forward. Remember that you have value and worth, in spite of what you did.
> 
> There is not a single person posting on this thread who has not also done something that has hurt the one they love. Who has not acted selfishly or without due care. They may not have sexually cheated on a spouse, but I challenge them all on this - to state that they have never done a morally wrong thing that has hurt their loved one.
> 
> I'm going to suggest that you stop posting on this forum. At least until after you have had your counselling session. There are a lot of people here who have baggage from their own cheating spouses. And you do not need their anger in addition to your own right now.


:iagree:


----------



## TAM2013

sokillme said:


> The problem is they say all women are like this.


AWALT. At least a bit. Just like all men use pron or wnak or perv a chicks, etc.


----------



## snerg

ufwm said:


> I feel like I'm going to get bashed for writing this.
> 
> I don't know how relevant or irrelevant it is. I don't have a group of men to compare him to but he isn't small. He has never expressed being insecure with his size and it's a bit larger than 'average'. It's other parts that I'm concerned about... For the last few months he's mentioned that he isn't getting as hard or as big as he use to. He has never lasted very long, with me (apparently it wasn't an issue before I came along). By that I mean like under a minute. When he's done, he's done. I've never orgasmed from oral or sex, he hates that (and no I didn't when I cheated). There are insecurities there and I don't want to make it worse for no reason.


You had me up till this.

Bravo.


----------



## sokillme

Mizzbak said:


> I'd imagine that a lot of this had a lot do with the stress of trying for a baby. Having sex with a purpose that is not intimacy and shared pleasure always seems to affect things badly.
> 
> @ufwm, there is something important about the way that you are writing about yourself that is disturbing me. Your *actions* were morally wrong. I agree with that. But you need to separate yourself as a person out from what you did. You did an awful thing - you are not an awful or revolting person. The fact that you feel guilt and shame about what you did, is a clear indication that you are more than able to choose wisely and better going forward. Remember that you have value and worth, in spite of what you did.
> 
> There is not a single person posting on this thread who has not also done something that has hurt the one they love. Who has not acted selfishly or without due care. They may not have sexually cheated on a spouse, but I challenge them all on this - to state that they have never done a morally wrong thing that has hurt their loved one.
> 
> I'm going to suggest that you stop posting on this forum. At least until after you have had your counselling session. There are a lot of people here who have baggage from their own cheating spouses. And you do not need their anger in addition to your own right now.


Again I am not one for calling OP names. I have NOT told her her situation is hopeless, I said I feel very sorry for her and especially for her husband. I have told her to really think about why she did what she did and try to correct it. Not just assume because she feels bad that she isn't capable of doing it again. 

But to say because we all have done wrong to our spouses in some way we are all as morally culpable as someone who cheats is such a false equivalency. I don't accept it.

I would be interested to here jld's opinion when she has acted selfishly and without care, morally wrong to her her spouse, since she agreed with the post, and is a poster on this thread ...

@jld?


----------



## sokillme

TAM2013 said:


> AWALT. At least a bit. Just like all men use pron or wnak or perv a chicks, etc.


Every person is selfish when left to their own devices yes. But thankfully not every person acts on those devices.


----------



## ufwm

uhtred said:


> Not going to drop this one yet. Your memories are hazy. You say this is not normal behavior for you. YOu don't normally drink all that much. You felt terribly hung over the next day.
> 
> It could be that you got drunk and lost track. Drugging could include making drinks more potent than normal with extra alcohol.
> 
> I'm not letting you off the hook completely, you did go to a bar and chat with a guy - but something doesn't seem quite right.
> 
> Any chance there is video from the bar?


The bar does have cameras, though I have no idea how I'd go about seeing that. The owner and some of the employees know me (and my husband, and a reason to never go back...). They'd notice, if someone was being drugged. If I was drugged I would have blacked out, or passed out. There are chunks I don't remember, but some of it I do or have the gist of it. 

I don't want to try and use that as an excuse... I took him back to my house, intentions are clear there...


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> Haven't you ever heard that some men only want and will do anything to get you into bed?Then dump you?Well, they will also do that to the same woman, repeatedly.And some women will continue to chase a man that is "emotionally unavailable" or even married himself, to change and fix him or whatever.


So he might try and contact me to do it again in hopes that I'll go along with it over and over? I can't imagine wanting to do it again. I don't remember if I gave him my number or not, I don't have any new numbers in my phone that I could find. What do I do if I'm with my husband and I see him out somewhere... We live in a big city so it's probably unlikely unless it's in our neighbourhood but it worries me... If my husband is even my husband in a few days....


----------



## ufwm

Mromines said:


> This just keeps getting better...meaning worse.
> 
> So, your husband is having some trouble with erections...has never lasted very long - like under a minute...and you never orgasm. Plus takes trips away from you which you could go on but don't - and you get jealous of the women on said trips.
> 
> Oh, and you up and have sex with the first guy who talks to you...in your marital bed....having just met him...in a bar....after you friends conveniently left...after making eye contact with him several times.
> 
> Sheesh.


Is that suppose to make me feel worse... Congrats.


----------



## Kivlor

Mizzbak said:


> I'd imagine that a lot of this had a lot do with the stress of trying for a baby. Having sex with a purpose that is not intimacy and shared pleasure always seems to affect things badly.
> 
> @ufwm, there is something important about the way that you are writing about yourself that is disturbing me. Your *actions* were morally wrong. I agree with that. But you need to separate yourself as a person out from what you did. You did an awful thing - you are not an awful or revolting person. The fact that you feel guilt and shame about what you did, is a clear indication that you are more than able to choose wisely and better going forward. Remember that you have value and worth, in spite of what you did.
> 
> There is not a single person posting on this thread who has not also done something that has hurt the one they love. Who has not acted selfishly or without due care. They may not have sexually cheated on a spouse, but I challenge them all on this - to state that they have never done a morally wrong thing that has hurt their loved one.
> 
> I'm going to suggest that you stop posting on this forum. At least until after you have had your counselling session. There are a lot of people here who have baggage from their own cheating spouses. And you do not need their anger in addition to your own right now.


My answer to this is:

You are what you do. Not who you imagine or wish yourself to be. 

To demand that someone say "you're not bad if you do bad things, because I've done bad things" is ridiculous. So let me be the first person to say: I'm not a good person, I've done bad things, and that fact doesn't alleviate the bad actions of the OP; nor does the fact that she has done bad things alleviate mine. 

Also, not all immoral actions are equal.

OP seems to actually be able to see her mistakes, and not try to pretend she's someone else.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> Interesting that this comes up. Why aren't you saying this stuff from the get go. Next you tell us he is 5 foot 2 and balding.
> 
> Anyway think of it like this, you are insecure because you are a little chunky and he tells you the girl he had an affair with is skinny and in great shape. What would be the point of telling you that, all it is going to do is hurt you.
> 
> It's good that the sex wasn't good. At least there is that.


Because it's one thing to tell the world about my problems, another to tell the world my husbands. I don't want to talk badly about him. I didn't I should mention it until the "size" issue came up. I assumed that would be better to lie about. I don't want to do anything wrong, I've done enough wrong. (For the record, he is 5'10 and has a head full of hair)


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> So he might try and contact me to do it again in hopes that I'll go along with it over and over? I can't imagine wanting to do it again. I don't remember if I gave him my number or not, I don't have any new numbers in my phone that I could find. What do I do if I'm with my husband and I see him out somewhere... We live in a big city so it's probably unlikely unless it's in our neighbourhood but it worries me... If my husband is even my husband in a few days....


If your Marriage survives this, and you run into him, I'd avoid eye contact, and just not acknowledge him. 

I don't think he's going to come around unless you're alone. PUA types usually aren't looking to fight over women. They'd rather move on to someone they don't have to fight over.


----------



## ufwm

Mromines said:


> Agreed. Drugging sounds plausible, despite what she admitted to prior to the sex. Also, seeing as she says has foggy memories and says doesn't even remember the guy leaving - I'm wondering if the guy didn't rob more than the OP's honor. She ought to check to see if anything is missing from her house, check her credit, and even change the locks on her house. This guy could have taken her house keys and return anytime he wishes.


I'm not a total idiot and I did think of things being missing and checked when I could drag my butt out of bed. The one thing I didn't think about was taking or copying a house key. My keys weren't missing, but now that you brought it up it is really creepy... I don't want to take the drugging excuse, though...


----------



## Mizzbak

sokillme said:


> Again I am not one for calling OP names. I have NOT told her her situation is hopeless, I said I feel very sorry for her and especially for her husband. I have told her to really think about why she did what she did and try to correct it. Not just assume because she feels bad that she isn't capable of doing it again.
> 
> But to say because we all have done wrong to our spouses in some way we are all as morally culpable as someone who cheats is such a false equivalency. I don't accept it.


You do know @sokillme that it isn't all about you, right?
(Actually, I think that the majority of your posts on this thread were on the whole, whilst written from your usual perspective, reasonable and balanced if somewhat challenging.) And TBH ito of equivalency, I wasn't really going for a calibrated scale of offence. I was instead trying to remind others of a story about casting stones, because a lot of the posts on this thread were (IMO) becoming rather like those. And I was reminding the OP that not one of the other posters is perfect. Just as she is not. 

I would urge the posters here to remember that they are dealing with a young woman who is clearly not a good place right now. I do not believe that she needs further convincing that what she did was wrong or incredibly damaging - to both herself and her marriage. I am not suggesting that we try and tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Because it isn't. But I also don't think that she needs to have further anger and pain heaped on her. 

In short, I don't believe that trying to make her feel worse is constructive to her. (Of course, if it makes other posters feel good about themselves to do that, then by all means, they should put their own needs above hers.)


----------



## curious234

Check health effects


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@ufwm ,

You keep calling yourself stupid, I disagree. You did a stupid thing but you have shown an amazing amount of self awareness that is not usually present in a Wayward Wife (WW). You also display a need for honesty with your Betrayed Husband (BH) that is not often seen either. These two traits will give you the best chance for working things through with your BH, but you must be 100% honest with him, and stay true to those traits. 
Anything he discovers you have been untruthful with him about will put you back at square one ,each and every time it happens. The lies are as hurtful as the infidelity. You will need to answer any and all of his questions ,*NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE ASKS THEM*, without getting impatient or upset. You will also need to do anything he needs from you to help him recover ,and express this to him regularly along with apologies. 
You seem to have the right mindset, you will just have to do the work and practice creating boundaries that will help your BH see you as a safe partner again. It will take a lot of work and a long time, but you really have no other choice, the rest will be up to him. With or without him you should work on yourself through Individual Counseling (IC) to make sure you grasp the entire real reason this happened, and address it for your future.
Best of luck.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> Did his ex cheat on him with that guy?Were you, your H's rebound?Why does he still care so much as to punch the guy, in front of you?*This.is.a.problem.*
> 
> Again, this is bad.You have many problems in your marriage.They will probably only get worse as time goes, unless you don't address them with *complete honesty.
> *
> 
> Your H may still be hung up on his ex, if he really never had problems in bed before, and is still mad at her.


I don't know, he's never been willing to talk about his relationship with her. They were together for 4 years, he was her first relationship, they were engaged for a few months. I met him about a year and a half later, I wasn't a rebound (I don't think...). He dated a little bit before I met him, after his ex. The scenario was, we were at a music festival and he saw his ex. She noticed him, then immediately went and grabbed the guy she was with and starting dancing and making out with him. My husband snapped, and proceeded to get kicked out. We fought about that for a long time, but it was 3 years ago. He hasn't seen her since, she is his only ex that he doesn't have contact with. The sex problems that we have, he didn't have with her. So what I'm doing wrong, I don't know.


----------



## Satya

IIWY, I'd go out today and buy a new mattress and have it delivered before your husband gets home. Many places will deliver same day if you buy before 3-4pm.

Not trying to sound crass, but along with a confession, it might give you some brownie points for your H to know you were sensitive about defiling the bed with a strange man.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> Because it's one thing to tell the world about my problems, another to tell the world my husbands. I don't want to talk badly about him. I didn't I should mention it until the "size" issue came up. I assumed that would be better to lie about. I don't want to do anything wrong, I've done enough wrong. (For the record, he is 5'10 and has a head full of hair)


This was kind of a joke because your posts keep hitting on men's insecurities. Not being tall and being bald are others.


----------



## ufwm

sokillme said:


> This was kind of a joke because your posts keep hitting on men's insecurities. Not being tall and being bald are others.


The most confident man I know is 30 years old, 5'2 (maybe 5'3) and balder than Mr. Clean. Guess he is the exception.


----------



## Red Sonja

ufwm said:


> Maybe I'm just stupid, or more stupid than has already been established, but I don't understand how what I wrote is "a billboard advertisement for RP." Maybe I'm just not grasping the concept, I don't know...* He wasn't an *******, until he left I guess.* I'm just confused...


Men who knowingly seduce married women are *******s by definition.


----------



## MrsAldi

I think you should get some counselling, regardless of whichever decision you choose to make. 

Lonely and bored? Sounds like there is something deeply lacking in your marriage, is it love perhaps? Are you still "in love" with your husband?

It can't be just getting drunk and getting a few compliments from a sleaze bag, that made you cheat, can it? I wouldn't think so.

You should try to work on communication skills in your marriage, moving forward, working on your needs, such as attention and feeling fulfilled not bored. Work on your confidence and self esteem so that in the future, you won't need validation from strangers in order to feel happy with yourself. 

Also, do you need to talk about these trips that your husband takes? Are you really happy about him going? 

In the future, I would recommend that you should stay with family or decent friends (while your husband is away) that will look after you and chase away dirt bags who don't respect marriage. An honourable man would not take advantage of a vulnerable married woman. 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I don't know, he's never been willing to talk about his relationship with her. They were together for 4 years, he was her first relationship, they were engaged for a few months. I met him about a year and a half later, I wasn't a rebound (I don't think...). He dated a little bit before I met him, after his ex. *The scenario was, we were at a music festival and he saw his ex. She noticed him, then immediately went and grabbed the guy she was with and starting dancing and making out with him. My husband snapped, and proceeded to get kicked out. *We fought about that for a long time, but it was 3 years ago. He hasn't seen her since, she is his only ex that he doesn't have contact with. The sex problems that we have, he didn't have with her. So what I'm doing wrong, I don't know.


That's not normal.Doesn't matter that it was 3 years ago, still insane what they did.

He doesn't have contact with his ex.... as far as you know.He has plenty of opportunity and time on his vacations.


Look, there are people that never get over an ex.Even decades later.


----------



## Mizzbak

ufwm said:


> The bar does have cameras, though I have no idea how I'd go about seeing that. The owner and some of the employees know me (and my husband, and a reason to never go back...). They'd notice, if someone was being drugged. If I was drugged I would have blacked out, or passed out. There are chunks I don't remember, but some of it I do or have the gist of it.
> 
> I don't want to try and use that as an excuse... I took him back to my house, intentions are clear there...


 @ufwm, I second what @uhtred is saying. You may have chosen to put yourself in a vulnerable position, but that doesn't discount the possibility that you might have been drugged. Remember that if you were, the effects would depend on how much and what. Blacking out or total amnesia is not a given (symptoms like lowered inhibitions, feelings of disorientation and partial memory loss are common ... at least according to the searches that I did.) 

If I were you, I would want to know for sure. Not so that you can "use it as an excuse" (although it should change how you see your actions and choices), but more so that you have greater understanding of what actually happened. And if this man did drug you, then he is very likely to have done it before, or do it again.


----------



## EleGirl

ufwm said:


> He goes down south (Mexico, Dominican, Cuba, etc) twice a year, then has a few weekend trips with his friends. He goes with his friends or family. One trip down South is with his parents and sibling. I could go, he'd like if I went. I don't do planes. I have really bad anxiety on them and me on a plane is not a good time. When he goes away for the weekend he is with friends, I just don't really have fun and prefer not to go. His friends are really nice, but I prefer my small circle and get bored sitting there while everyone else drinks. I don't usually drink.
> 
> It's not a huge issue between us. We don't fight day in and day out about it. He'd like me to go, it's not like I'm not invited. The weekend trips don't bother me much, sometimes time alone is nice. The longer 7-10 day trips in another country do get to me a bit. Mostly just jealousy that he's having a really good time and I'm not, or I'm bored or missing him. Jealousy that he has those experiences with other people (really, I only care about the females). Insecurities about who he is down there with.
> 
> 
> 
> ufwm said:
> 
> 
> 
> Once a year he and his friends go down south and it's a mix of men and women. There are histories there and yeah, it gets to me.
> 
> 
> 
> Would you mind sharing what country you live in?
> 
> It sounds to me like you are having a problem with your husband spending so much time traveling and leaving you alone. And your ONS is your acting out against that. This does not justify your what you did. But knowing why you would do what you did is important. After all if you don’t know what lead to your behavior, you cannot do anything to protect yourself and your marriage from doing it again.
Click to expand...


----------



## ufwm

Mizzbak said:


> I'd imagine that a lot of this had a lot do with the stress of trying for a baby. Having sex with a purpose that is not intimacy and shared pleasure always seems to affect things badly.
> 
> @ufwm, there is something important about the way that you are writing about yourself that is disturbing me. Your *actions* were morally wrong. I agree with that. But you need to separate yourself as a person out from what you did. You did an awful thing - you are not an awful or revolting person. The fact that you feel guilt and shame about what you did, is a clear indication that you are more than able to choose wisely and better going forward. Remember that you have value and worth, in spite of what you did.
> 
> There is not a single person posting on this thread who has not also done something that has hurt the one they love. Who has not acted selfishly or without due care. They may not have sexually cheated on a spouse, but I challenge them all on this - to state that they have never done a morally wrong thing that has hurt their loved one.
> 
> I'm going to suggest that you stop posting on this forum. At least until after you have had your counselling session. There are a lot of people here who have baggage from their own cheating spouses. And you do not need their anger in addition to your own right now.


Sex has become worse since trying to get pregnant. It was fun for the first few months, then when it wasn't working yeah things got worse. 

To me, awful people to awful things. I cheated on my husband, with a random man and made a million stupid choices along with it. If I was a good person, I wouldn't have. I use to consider myself a good person. Opinions are making me feel worse about myself, and preparing me for a taste of what my husband is going to say/think/do.


----------



## ufwm

Kivlor said:


> If your Marriage survives this, and you run into him, I'd avoid eye contact, and just not acknowledge him.
> 
> I don't think he's going to come around unless you're alone. PUA types usually aren't looking to fight over women. They'd rather move on to someone they don't have to fight over.


Would I point him out to my husband or tell my husband later? Or I guess, the answer is ask him what he'd want. If he sticks around for some stupid reason... It's not like there was anything special about me that would be worth going back for. Aside from being easy.


----------



## ufwm

Satya said:


> IIWY, I'd go out today and buy a new mattress and have it delivered before your husband gets home. Many places will deliver same day if you buy before 3-4pm.
> 
> Not trying to sound crass, but along with a confession, it might give you some brownie points for your H to know you were sensitive about defiling the bed with a strange man.


I have been thinking about doing that. I know of one store that delivers same day. Even if my husband wants a divorce, I don't think either of us want to sleep on that. The problem is that he would see it if he looked at the bank app, our accounts are linked. He's going to find out regardless, but I don't want to tell him while he's gone...


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> That's not normal.Doesn't matter that it was 3 years ago, still insane what they did.
> 
> He doesn't have contact with his ex.... as far as you know.He has plenty of opportunity and time on his vacations.
> 
> 
> Look, there are people that never get over an ex.Even decades later.


I don't think he's cheating on me... He hasn't done anything to indicate that and I can't say he's cheating just because I did. I have bigger problems right now than her. If I'd worry about anyone, it's the ex's he does see.


----------



## happy as a clam

LosingHim said:


> Some of you are straight up way off base and very rude. You’re ASSUMING and reaching a LOT in this instance. She did wrong, she knows she did wrong and she wants to come clean. Sitting her making her seem like a wh*re and someone who wantonly went out searching for illicit sex with a stranger is wreckless and absurd. Too many of you project your own experiences on someone else.
> 
> Yes, she did wrong. Yes, she cheated. Yes, this is a horrible, awful thing. But to make the stretch that you know about her personality, her core values, who she is as a person and what she “planned” that night is ridiculous.
> 
> Stop projecting.


Agree with this. Sometimes people just get drunk and do really stupid things. No plotting or scheming involved.


----------



## Kivlor

ufwm said:


> Would I point him out to my husband or tell my husband later? Or I guess, the answer is ask him what he'd want. If he sticks around for some stupid reason... It's not like there was anything special about me that would be worth going back for. Aside from being easy.


Personal opinion, don't point him out. Ever. The reason for this is because of your story about Hubby punching his ex's new guy. You don't need that.

Others may feel differently about this. Probably worth asking your therapist. But make sure you relay that story about his ex to them as well.


----------



## EleGirl

ufwm said:


> Is it common for a spouse to be cheated on then want to cheat themselves? That's twice I've read it here now... I'm suppose to let him sleep with someone else to get back at me? I don't want that.... I don't think I could deal with that... I guess I deserve it though...


About 50% of people who are cheated on, end up having an affair. They are called revenge affairs. So, yea, there is a very good possibility that he will cheat. This is especially true since he already sends a large part of his time traveling without you around. He can cheat all he wants and you would never know.Abou


----------



## michzz

Good idea to remove the bed.

Not sure about the replacement theory.

Why?

Because you are making all the "bed" decisions.

Enlist your H on replacement.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> I don't think he's cheating on me... He hasn't done anything to indicate that and I can't say he's cheating just because I did. I have bigger problems right now than her. If I'd worry about anyone, it's the ex's he does see.



You shouldn't accuse your H of anything.You should come clean about your affair, but don't ignore all the issues that make you unhappy in your marriage, when he asks why.Especially the sex problems, that he apparently didn't have with his ex.Do you want to continue to have unsatisfying sex and lust for others?


These problems are real.You chose to deal with them the wrong way.


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## Bibi1031

I didn't see if you mentioned this OP, but did your husband's X cheat on him?


----------



## jld

michzz said:


> Good idea to remove the bed.
> 
> Not sure about the replacement theory.
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because you are making all the "bed" decisions.
> 
> Enlist your H on replacement.


Yep, I would hold off on anything like that before you talk with him, too. 

Just focus on being honest and open and respecting any decision he makes regarding staying or leaving.


----------



## ufwm

Rubix Cubed said:


> @ufwm ,
> 
> You keep calling yourself stupid, I disagree. You did a stupid thing but you have shown an amazing amount of self awareness that is not usually present in a Wayward Wife (WW). You also display a need for honesty with your Betrayed Husband (BH) that is not often seen either. These two traits will give you the best chance for working things through with your BH, but you must be 100% honest with him, and stay true to those traits.
> Anything he discovers you have been untruthful with him about will put you back at square one ,each and every time it happens. The lies are as hurtful as the infidelity. You will need to answer any and all of his questions ,*NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE ASKS THEM*, without getting impatient or upset. You will also need to do anything he needs from you to help him recover ,and express this to him regularly along with apologies.
> You seem to have the right mindset, you will just have to do the work and practice creating boundaries that will help your BH see you as a safe partner again. It will take a lot of work and a long time, but you really have no other choice, the rest will be up to him. With or without him you should work on yourself through Individual Counseling (IC) to make sure you grasp the entire real reason this happened, and address it for your future.
> Best of luck.


I know that it will be really hard, but I'd do everything to fix it and make it up to him. When I get nervous sometimes I say incorrect things so I'm nervous about that. I don't want him to think I'm lying. I will have to do counselling either way. Constantly having to recall what I did will be hard, I wish I could forget it. As difficult as it's going to be for me, I know it will be harder for him. It's hard because when I'm upset I just want my husband but with this I can't.


----------



## ufwm

MrsAldi said:


> I think you should get some counselling, regardless of whichever decision you choose to make.
> 
> Lonely and bored? Sounds like there is something deeply lacking in your marriage, is it love perhaps? Are you still "in love" with your husband?
> 
> It can't be just getting drunk and getting a few compliments from a sleaze bag, that made you cheat, can it? I wouldn't think so.
> 
> You should try to work on communication skills in your marriage, moving forward, working on your needs, such as attention and feeling fulfilled not bored. Work on your confidence and self esteem so that in the future, you won't need validation from strangers in order to feel happy with yourself.
> 
> Also, do you need to talk about these trips that your husband takes? Are you really happy about him going?
> 
> In the future, I would recommend that you should stay with family or decent friends (while your husband is away) that will look after you and chase away dirt bags who don't respect marriage. An honourable man would not take advantage of a vulnerable married woman.
> 
> Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


I am still in love with my husband. Or maybe I'm not if I could do this to him. I feel like I am. We might have some problems but I love him and I'm happy with him. 

My husband really enjoys going on trips, I can't take that away from him. Especially now. Though I don't know if he will even want to go now. The trips that he goes on with just his guy friends, don't bother me really. It's the ones were female friends go as well. I have no right to complain now. Having to stay with someone when my husband goes away would make me feel like a child.


----------



## ufwm

Mizzbak said:


> @ufwm, I second what @uhtred is saying. You may have chosen to put yourself in a vulnerable position, but that doesn't discount the possibility that you might have been drugged. Remember that if you were, the effects would depend on how much and what. Blacking out or total amnesia is not a given (symptoms like lowered inhibitions, feelings of disorientation and partial memory loss are common ... at least according to the searches that I did.)
> 
> If I were you, I would want to know for sure. Not so that you can "use it as an excuse" (although it should change how you see your actions and choices), but more so that you have greater understanding of what actually happened. And if this man did drug you, then he is very likely to have done it before, or do it again.


I don't know if that's something I'd ever be able to find out. To see the camera footage I'd probably have to report it to the police as an assault and that isn't true. I'm sure they don't cover every inch of the bar and I don't know how much would be able to be seen. It probably does take much to put something in a drink. Still I mean, I took him home. I don't think I could do that if I were drugged... Just a bad person. I don't want to tell my husband that maybe I was drugged...


----------



## jld

ufwm said:


> I know that it will be really hard, but I'd do everything to fix it and make it up to him. *When I get nervous sometimes I say incorrect things so I'm nervous about that. *I don't want him to think I'm lying. I will have to do counselling either way. Constantly having to recall what I did will be hard, I wish I could forget it. As difficult as it's going to be for me, I know it will be harder for him. It's hard because when I'm upset I just want my husband but with this I can't.


What about the letter idea?


----------



## ufwm

jld said:


> What about the letter idea?


It's a good idea. At least then I have time to gather all my thoughts and say everything. But if/when he starts asking me questions directly, I don't know if that will be easy. I can say something totally wrong if I can't think of what I want to say (fast enough) and I get anxious, want the pressure stop and spew something out.


----------



## ufwm

EleGirl said:


> About 50% of people who are cheated on, end up having an affair. They are called revenge affairs. So, yea, there is a very good possibility that he will cheat. This is especially true since he already sends a large part of his time traveling without you around. He can cheat all he wants and you would never know.Abou


And I'm suppose to just let it happen and hold my tongue, because of what I did?... Part of the reason I haven't been worried sick about cheating all the times he is gone is because he has really good friends, who he is always with (or his family). They have called out cheating before. I guess once he tells them what I did they would probably cut slack...


----------



## ufwm

michzz said:


> Good idea to remove the bed.
> 
> Not sure about the replacement theory.
> 
> Why?
> 
> Because you are making all the "bed" decisions.
> 
> Enlist your H on replacement.


I don't want him to think I am making all of the decisions... I wish I had a guidebook that told me exactly what to do to have the best possible outcome.


----------



## jld

ufwm said:


> It's a good idea. At least then I have time to gather all my thoughts and say everything. But if/when he starts asking me questions directly, I don't know if that will be easy. I can say something totally wrong if I can't think of what I want to say (fast enough) and I get anxious, want the pressure stop and spew something out.


It's okay. Just be as honest and open as you can be.

Hon, what you really seem to be struggling with is whether or not he will stay. You have to let go of that. 

Just know that whatever happens, you will be okay.


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> You shouldn't accuse your H of anything.You should come clean about your affair, but don't ignore all the issues that make you unhappy in your marriage, when he asks why.Especially the sex problems, that he apparently didn't have with his ex.Do you want to continue to have unsatisfying sex and lust for others?
> 
> 
> These problems are real.You chose to deal with them the wrong way.


He has only had the issues with me, so it's me that is the problem. He can't be totally fine and have what he deems a good sex life with X amount of other women, then magically lose that ability with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I'm boring to him. But that's my fault, not his.


----------



## ufwm

Bibi1031 said:


> I didn't see if you mentioned this OP, but did your husband's X cheat on him?


He won't tell me anything about their relationship really, other than duration and a few other details. He has never said why they broke up (ended an engagement), or who did the breaking up.


----------



## jld

ufwm said:


> And I'm suppose to just let it happen and hold my tongue, because of what I did?... Part of the reason I haven't been worried sick about cheating all the times he is gone is because he has really good friends, who he is always with (or his family). They have called out cheating before. I guess once he tells them what I did they would probably cut slack...


Sometimes, when you fully think through the worst possible outcome, you actually lower your fear of it, and it becomes more manageable to deal with.

So with that in mind, what would you see as the worst possible outcome? Can you describe it?


----------



## jld

ufwm said:


> He has only had the issues with me, so it's me that is the problem. He can't be totally fine and have what he deems a good sex life with X amount of other women, then magically lose that ability with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I'm boring to him. But that's my fault, not his.


Why would it have to be anyone's fault? Could it just be incompatibility?


----------



## uhtred

I'm not so much looking for excuses as thinking its important to know what really happened.

If he did drug you, he is a rapist and needs to be caught before he does it again.

I think its possible to mix drinks much stronger (with pure alcohol) so that someone ends up drinking far more than they think.

Did he pay for the drinks or did you? If you did, was it cash, or was there any sort of receipt to let you know how much you really drank.

Are there any employees you trust enough to ask?





ufwm said:


> The bar does have cameras, though I have no idea how I'd go about seeing that. The owner and some of the employees know me (and my husband, and a reason to never go back...). They'd notice, if someone was being drugged. If I was drugged I would have blacked out, or passed out. There are chunks I don't remember, but some of it I do or have the gist of it.
> 
> I don't want to try and use that as an excuse... I took him back to my house, intentions are clear there...


----------



## Stang197

ufwm said:


> Taxman said:
> 
> 
> 
> I believe that the biggest thing that a cheater cannot do, is put themselves in their betrayed spouse's shoes. They see that they are in trouble, as the OP does, and worries about the future. I had absolutely no idea what I put my wife through. Not only did I have an affair, when she kicked me out, I went totally silent for about 3 days. Neither my wife, nor my parents, nor my friends and acquaintances knew where I was. (Truth be told, I was holed up in a cheap motel, having a breakdown) When I emerged, I moved in with the AP. When I woke up and realized the AP was a really stupid idea, I begged for a reconciliation.
> 
> As part of the reconciliation, my wife wanted me to feel everything that she felt. As a condition for reconciliation, my wife demanded to go on a date, with someone other than me,(Her words). A week later, she told me that a co-worker asked her out. As she expected, he took her to a bar, bought her a drink and made a pass. She accepted and they ended up at a cheap motel. They, of course, did the deed, and the next evening I was invited over to get the entire story. It felt as if she had reached down my throat and pulled out my beating heart. It would have been better had I just jumped out the window. I got to feel like a eunuch. Not only did my pure innocent wife go out and f**k a completely inappropriate guy, it was in response to what I did. Yeah, I had to live with that. She let me know that there are consequences to infidelity. She had considered that there were several ways to go: She thought that she would go straight to the divorce attorneys, or, that she would take me back with no consequences. She decided that she did want me back, but that I had to have consequences. A lot of people would say that my consequence should have been a guilty conscience for the rest of my life, however, she wanted something a lot more concrete, and if it did not work out, then she had a nice date to start her single life. This was her solution. I had no choices in the matter. This was my sentence for my indiscretion.
> 
> I don't know how your husband will react. I know how I did, and it was not good. I spent the better part of a month, yelling and screaming at the four walls. I did not eat for literally weeks, I lived on coffee and cigarettes until my mother got concerned that I was going to have a heart attack. Then I calmed down, I realized that I had paid the price. We reconciled, and are really happy and solid THIRTY NINE YEARS LATER.
> 
> 
> 
> Is it common for a spouse to be cheated on then want to cheat themselves? That's twice I've read it here now... I'm suppose to let him sleep with someone else to get back at me? I don't want that.... I don't think I could deal with that... I guess I deserve it though...
Click to expand...

If my wife wouldn't have put up with my revenge affairs, there is no way we would still be together.


----------



## sokillme

Mizzbak said:


> You do know @sokillme that it isn't all about you, right?
> (Actually, I think that the majority of your posts on this thread were on the whole, whilst written from your usual perspective, reasonable and balanced if somewhat challenging.) And TBH ito of equivalency, I wasn't really going for a calibrated scale of offence. I was instead trying to remind others of a story about casting stones, because a lot of the posts on this thread were (IMO) becoming rather like those. And I was reminding the OP that not one of the other posters is perfect. Just as she is not.
> 
> I would urge the posters here to remember that they are dealing with a young woman who is clearly not a good place right now. I do not believe that she needs further convincing that what she did was wrong or incredibly damaging - to both herself and her marriage. I am not suggesting that we try and tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Because it isn't. But I also don't think that she needs to have further anger and pain heaped on her.
> 
> In short, I don't believe that trying to make her feel worse is constructive to her. (Of course, if it makes other posters feel good about themselves to do that, then by all means, they should put their own needs above hers.)


And all I'm saying it's a false equivalency.


----------



## TAMAT

ufwm,

Tell him the entire truth don't hold back or try to lie, don't minimize if he asks for lots of details give them to him.

Don't trickle truth him that is often fatal to a marriage, leave nothing for him to find out two weeks from now or a year from now.

Don't lie to him about anything ever again.

I'm not of the mind that you are a bad person for cheating, we all would enjoy the sex, but you will be a bad person if you continue to conceal your infidelity. You are not a serial cheater, but you do need to work on your boundaries around other people.

Do not have sex with your H for about 3 to 6 months for you to clear whatever infection you may have caught from OM condoms cannot be trusted to stop viruses as they are so small. You may have contracted a high risk form of HPV and he could develop cancer from it so kissing is likely out as well if you kissed or gave OM oral sex.

Tamat


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> He has only had the issues with me, so it's me that is the problem. He can't be totally fine and have what he deems a good sex life with X amount of other women, then magically lose that ability with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I'm boring to him. But that's my fault, not his.


You are certain that he didn't have problems with anyone else *after his ex*, but only with you?

You said previously that your H is very attentive towards you.So how he can find you boring?

I don't know what the problem is, but it's not your fault.The affair is 100% your fault.Your H not telling you his issues with you, is on him.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

ufwm said:


> I know that it will be really hard, but I'd do everything to fix it and make it up to him. When I get nervous sometimes I say incorrect things so I'm nervous about that. I don't want him to think I'm lying. I will have to do counselling either way. Constantly having to recall what I did will be hard, I wish I could forget it. As difficult as it's going to be for me, I know it will be harder for him. It's hard because when I'm upset I just want my husband but with this I can't.


 After you give him the story and a written timeline offer to take a polygraph if he wants you to. This may alleviate his doubts to your truthfulness and will go a LONG way in rebuilding his trust in you.


----------



## ufwm

uhtred said:


> I'm not so much looking for excuses as thinking its important to know what really happened.
> 
> If he did drug you, he is a rapist and needs to be caught before he does it again.
> 
> I think its possible to mix drinks much stronger (with pure alcohol) so that someone ends up drinking far more than they think.
> 
> Did he pay for the drinks or did you? If you did, was it cash, or was there any sort of receipt to let you know how much you really drank.
> 
> Are there any employees you trust enough to ask?


He paid for the drinks. The first he paid cash, the second I'm 90% sure he paid cash. After that, I don't know. It gets too fuzzy to remember. I don't think he would have been able to mix extra alcohol unless he had the bartender do it. I could ask the bartender, I know both of them that were working that night. Not as friends, but as someone who goes there a lot (though usually to just pick up food). It was busy, so i'm not sure if either would remember. I don't want to even hint at that when I tell my husband, though..


----------



## ufwm

jld said:


> Why would it have to be anyone's fault? Could it just be incompatibility?


Unless he secretly isn't attracted to me at all, I don't think it could be that much of a difference. It's like a completely different person with me compared to everyone else. So when he hangs around women that he has a (sexual, sometimes romantic) history with I hate it, because they were all better and what if he wants that.


----------



## ufwm

jld said:


> It's okay. Just be as honest and open as you can be.
> 
> Hon, what you really seem to be struggling with is whether or not he will stay. You have to let go of that.
> 
> Just know that whatever happens, you will be okay.


If he leaves then I have nothing. I'd lose my husband, he'll most likely want me to leave and I'll have to find somewhere to stay, he'll tell his friends who will hate me, my friends will find out and they will hate me, he'll tell his family and mine, who will hate me. He knows people who I work with, his mom is good friends with my boss, so everyone at my work could hate me or I could get fired who knows. Or the same could be true if he stays, but at least I'd have him...


----------



## ufwm

TAMAT said:


> ufwm,
> 
> Tell him the entire truth don't hold back or try to lie, don't minimize if he asks for lots of details give them to him.
> 
> Don't trickle truth him that is often fatal to a marriage, leave nothing for him to find out two weeks from now or a year from now.
> 
> Don't lie to him about anything ever again.
> 
> I'm not of the mind that you are a bad person for cheating, we all would enjoy the sex, but you will be a bad person if you continue to conceal your infidelity. You are not a serial cheater, but you do need to work on your boundaries around other people.
> 
> Do not have sex with your H for about 3 to 6 months for you to clear whatever infection you may have caught from OM condoms cannot be trusted to stop viruses as they are so small. You may have contracted a high risk form of HPV and he could develop cancer from it so kissing is likely out as well if you kissed or gave OM oral sex.
> 
> Tamat


My doctor said to avoid sexual contact but you're right, kissing would be out too. I'll probably end up with every disease in the book. He knew I was married and I don't know if a condom was used or not. Knowing I'm married he could have assumed I was safe to have unprotected sex with, even if he isn't.


----------



## ufwm

Rubix Cubed said:


> After you give him the story and a written timeline offer to take a polygraph if he wants you to. This may alleviate his doubts to your truthfulness and will go a LONG way in rebuilding his trust in you.


Is this something that people do? Like trash daytime TV


----------



## ufwm

Kerf said:


> You are certain that he didn't have problems with anyone else *after his ex*, but only with you?
> 
> You said previously that your H is very attentive towards you.So how he can find you boring?
> 
> I don't know what the problem is, but it's not your fault.The affair is 100% your fault.Your H not telling you his issues with you, is on him.


As certain as what he told me, I only have his word for it. He didn't have a relationship between me and her but had casual sex. When he told me there was no reason to lie. He's mentioned it a few times since. He's attentive, but I'm boring with sex apparently.


----------



## EleGirl

ufwm said:


> Unless he secretly isn't attracted to me at all, I don't think it could be that much of a difference. It's like a completely different person with me compared to everyone else. So when he hangs around women that he has a (sexual, sometimes romantic) history with I hate it, because they were all better and what if he wants that.


The sex you describe with your husband is, well, pretty not very good. He last for about a minute and not nothing special to give you pleasure. That does not sound like you are the problem. It sounds like your husband is a selfish lover. 

IF this is what the sex with your husband is like, why would you even want sex with him?

You describe the sex with that guy about the same. It was quick and did nothing for you.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

ufwm said:


> Is this something that people do? Like trash daytime TV


Unfortunately yes. It's about the only way to back up your word. Why should he believe you if you say it was only once or that you didn't know the guy. The offer as well as the polygraph test help show you are not hiding anything.You don't need to go on TV though, a polygrapher can even come to you or you go to his office. Unfortunate also is that this is the predicament your actions have put you in.

What country do you live in?


----------



## becareful2

I feel like I just logged on to Loveshack, because at last count, there are at least seven people who have recommended OP take the secret to her grave. What the heck is wrong with you people? Whatever happened to honor and integrity?

As to the other members who kicked her when she's down, I ask you: how often do you see a cheater who seems very remorseful and wants to confess right away? I can count about two other women who reacted the same way the OP has, and that's after reading this site for over a year. As strange as this sounds, cheaters like the OP are pretty rare, because most would not confess right away.

OP, 

I respect you for not wanting to keep this secret from your husband, assuming everything you posted is true. Rip the bandaid off and face the consequences. Be contrite, be humble, ask your husband for forgiveness. Tell him you'll do whatever it takes to repair the destruction you caused, and that you don't want a divorce but you would understand if he does, and would give him an amicable divorce. There's a good chance your husband will divorce you but you probably have more chance of reconciliation because of your honesty.


----------



## sokillme

MrsAldi said:


> Lonely and bored? Sounds like there is something deeply lacking in your marriage


Most WS I see have something "lacking" in them, the marriage could be good or bad.


----------



## Kerf

ufwm said:


> As certain as what he told me, I only have his word for it. He didn't have a relationship between me and her but had casual sex. When he told me there was no reason to lie. He's mentioned it a few times since. He's attentive, *but I'm boring with sex apparently.*


He told you that or are you just assuming?You bore him in bed and that's why he can't last more than a minute?


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
What I am going to say I would say to my own daughter. You are indeed stupid. Stupid is a condition wherein the individual cannot process information fast enough and simultaneously. All of the things you are thinking now should have been thought prior to engaging with the OM. We are all at some level of incomplete mental development which allows us to make mistakes, some more than others. What you must accept is your level and then make allowances to accommodate.

Your actions, at least some of them, were premeditated. Exchanging glances with the OM., staying after everyone left, accepting his advances, etc.. If you had the cognitive ability you would have thought about all of the horrible consequences at that time and none of this would have occurred. It is how you accept this knowledge that can help insure that you do not repeat this incident. Even the incident itself, much like a "spanking", can help you to formulate defenses that may indeed assist you to not repeat the act.

As for love, I am sure that you believe that you love your H but as anyone knows, a child can spout their love for something/someone and then act in a way that seems to be in direct contrast to loving behavior. It isn't that they are malicious, they just do not have the capability to fully think through their actions before they act. They love as they are capable of understanding love. The most beneficial thing you can do in this instance is to see this and use this incident as a learning experience, a very tough and painful one, if not for this relationship then for your next.

You must understand what you are capable of and work diligently to not put yourself into situations that you are not prepared to handle. Another tool to use is to be ever mindful of your H and to force yourself to think as if he were with you at all times because in a very real sense he is, and because, as you have now most likely realized, whatever you do affects him and he you, whether in your presence or not. Always remember this and live every moment as if he were standing beside you because he is whether physically present or not.

As to how to tell him, as many have stated I believe that honesty is the best course of action for several reasons not the least of which is the fact that you must face the music. Yes, it will hurt him deeply but you need to see that and feel it, if you are to fully realize what your thoughtlessness has wrought. In addition, it may help allow you to more fully realize just how inexorably tied to his happiness are your actions. Be prepared for the onslaught of emotion that is to come and endure it humbly.

Be prepared for this to take him some time to process and do not take his initial first response as his final response. His emotions will run the gamut. If he wants to engage and ask questions then answer. If the wants to be left alone then oblige him. Be there, ready to have whatever conversation he wants and it would not hurt to try and express to him repeatedly, just how deep your remorse is. He may not believe it or want to hear it but he will remember it.

You stated that you often get "flustered" and say the wrong or inappropriate thing, this is another manifestation of your lesser cognitive abilities. Try to take the time, without appearing to be stalling, to calm yourself and think carefully about your words so that your responses are as close to what you want to express as possible.

When all is said and done it will finally fall to him as to whether or not he can move on from this and I will be honest, this would be enormously difficult to impossible for most men.

One final thought, I would go and by a new bed if there are none others in the house to use because laying in that bed would be impossible for most men. Also, I would refuse to have unprotected sex with him until you are sure you are okay and I would tell him that you care too much for him to allow your act of stupidity to hurt him any worse. Depending on the type of man he is, this marriage may or may not continue but you must at least try your best if you are sincere about saving the relationship. I sincerely wish you good fortune.


----------



## deepsouth

ufwm said:


> If he leaves then I have nothing. I'd lose my husband, he'll most likely want me to leave and I'll have to find somewhere to stay, he'll tell his friends who will hate me, my friends will find out and they will hate me, he'll tell his family and mine, who will hate me. He knows people who I work with, his mom is good friends with my boss, so everyone at my work could hate me or I could get fired who knows. Or the same could be true if he stays, but at least I'd have him...


Okay, I've just read the whole thread (at least to this point!) and it's one of the most painful I've ever read. I wondered why is this so so hurtful? So from a man's perspective here is what I see happening:

Most of the questions that have been raised to you point to a fundamental concept that I (and I assume there are others) believe and accept and that is-- THERE MUST BE A REASON beyond what you initially stated. You've hinted at some of them, like jealousy, curiosity, being attracted to a good looking guy, etc..

As a man I don't won't to believe that on some random night when the planets line up, and the moon is full that my wife will suddenly turn into another woman, a woman that I don't know. Maybe I'm just insecure but I don't want to live in a world where that is a possibility.

You come along and throw a monkey wrench into the mix and say that is exactly what happened. That hurts. If I were your husband that would be the death knell that I couldn't ever move beyond.

Maybe that is the root of many or maybe most of the questions you are being asked... there just has to be another reason, there has to be something that makes sense, otherwise we must accept the RP philosophy and accept the fact that random events can destroy our lives irrevocably. Not just any random event but one that doesn't have any rhyme or reason.

In my opinion, you've got to examine the why and give your husband something more than "It just happened."

For men everywhere, please tell us that it ain't so, tell us that there was a reason. I don't care how bad the reason is, but don't leave us in limbo with the fatalistic notion that on some special night, when the song was right, women cheat.


----------



## EleGirl

deepsouth said:


> Okay, I've just read the whole thread (at least to this point!) and it's one of the most painful I've ever read. I wondered why is this so so hurtful? So from a man's perspective here is what I see happening:
> 
> Most of the questions that have been raised to you point to a fundamental concept that I (and I assume there are others) believe and accept and that is-- THERE MUST BE A REASON beyond what you initially stated. You've hinted at some of them, like jealousy, curiosity, being attracted to a good looking guy, etc..
> 
> As a man I don't won't to believe that on some random night when the planets line up, and the moon is full that my wife will suddenly turn into another woman, a woman that I don't know. Maybe I'm just insecure but I don't want to live in a world where that is a possibility.
> 
> You come along and throw a monkey wrench into the mix and say that is exactly what happened. That hurts. If I were your husband that would be the death knell that I couldn't ever move beyond.
> 
> Maybe that is the root of many or maybe most of the questions you are being asked... there just has to be another reason, there has to be something that makes sense, otherwise we must accept the RP philosophy and accept the fact that random events can destroy our lives irrevocably. Not just any random event but one that doesn't have any rhyme or reason.
> 
> In my opinion, you've got to examine the why and give your husband something more than "It just happened."
> 
> For men everywhere, please tell us that it ain't so, tell us that there was a reason. I don't care how bad the reason is, but don't leave us in limbo with the fatalistic notion that on some special night, when the song was right, women cheat.


This is so true regardless of gender. 

Rationalizations such as “I don’t know.”, “It just happened.”, etc. is something that no one wants to hear. What they really mean is “Because I wanted to.”

Some men and women use these kinds of excuses when they cheat. They are just so blown away that they did it. They just don’t know why. Poor them.

Maybe the answer is simply because they wanted to.

But, keep in mind, just because one women did this it does not mean that all or most women would.


----------



## sokillme

happy as a clam said:


> Agree with this. Sometimes people just get drunk and do really stupid things. No plotting or scheming involved.


True but all the more reason not to put yourself in a vulnerable position like she did. Form her description it sounds like she liked the flirting.


----------



## Kerf

deepsouth said:


> In my opinion, you've got to examine the why and give your husband something more than "It just happened."
> 
> For men everywhere, please tell us that it ain't so, tell us that there was a reason. I don't care how bad the reason is, but don't leave us in limbo with the fatalistic notion that on some special night, when the song was right, women cheat.


Her husband apparently had unresolved issues with his ex, to the point of punching that ex's bf at a concert, where he was with his wife (the OP)

There are also bedroom issues that he only ever had with OP.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> He has only had the issues with me, so it's me that is the problem. He can't be totally fine and have what he deems a good sex life with X amount of other women, then magically lose that ability with me. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I'm boring to him. But that's my fault, not his.


What ever you do, though this is tempting this is not the time to bring this up. Don't use it as a justification for what you did or you may do irreparable damage. To him it will sound like, "husband you suck in bed so I went and found someone else." He will probably already feel this way, but this will make it worse.


----------



## deepsouth

Kerf said:


> Her husband apparently had unresolved issues with his ex, to the point of punching that ex's bf at a concert, where he was with his wife (the OP)
> 
> There are also bedroom issues that he only ever had with OP.


Right, I read that. But I don't think she's going to use those as an excuse, is she?

She says she loved him even after those things. Was she really sitting there thinking that because her sex life wasn't optimal, and he had anger issues, she was going to stray? She said the opposite happened.

If that's her reason then say it... at least I could deal with that.

I have so much compassion for her willingness to admit fault and I do hope that somehow she comes through this, but please give the man those reasons if that is what caused the problem. At least it is something that seeks to make sense of it all, albeit in a weakened sort of way.


----------



## ufwm

EleGirl said:


> The sex you describe with your husband is, well, pretty not very good. He last for about a minute and not nothing special to give you pleasure. That does not sound like you are the problem. It sounds like your husband is a selfish lover.
> 
> IF this is what the sex with your husband is like, why would you even want sex with him?
> 
> You describe the sex with that guy about the same. It was quick and did nothing for you.


He tries. He doesn't ignore me but nothing works for me and he gets frustrated, and I do. He knows what he's doing, I should be able to (orgasm) but I can't. I never can. When I first started seeing him and met a group of his friends one of his female friends/use to hook up with made a comment about how lucky I was. That factors into me not wanting to be around his friends. He gets frustrated when we try and try and nothing happens, and we just quit trying for the most part. There has been duration problems for most of our relationship. The first few times were fine. With his ex's and other women he was with he "almost always" finished then went again. We tried once, and he couldn't do it. 

Either A) I suck in the bedroom and I'm the worst he's had so he just wants to get it over with, or B) He cared enough to put in the effort for every other woman he's been with, except me because I'm not worth it. 

I love him, and I don't exactly have a vast amount of experience to compare him to (even now, and I don't think I said much if anything about the sex with the other guy). Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> I wish I had a guidebook that told me exactly what to do to have the best possible outcome.


Someone post the "how to help your spouse from cheating" link that everyone always posts. That is the closest thing to a guidebook that I can think of.


----------



## deepsouth

ufwm said:


> He tries. He doesn't ignore me but nothing works for me and he gets frustrated, and I do. He knows what he's doing, I should be able to (orgasm) but I can't. I never can. When I first started seeing him and met a group of his friends one of his female friends/use to hook up with made a comment about how lucky I was. That factors into me not wanting to be around his friends. He gets frustrated when we try and try and nothing happens, and we just quit trying for the most part. There has been duration problems for most of our relationship. The first few times were fine. With his ex's and other women he was with he "almost always" finished then went again. We tried once, and he couldn't do it.
> 
> Either A) I suck in the bedroom and I'm the worst he's had so he just wants to get it over with, or B) He cared enough to put in the effort for every other woman he's been with, except me because I'm not worth it.
> 
> I love him, and I don't exactly have a vast amount of experience to compare him to (even now, and I don't think I said much if anything about the sex with the other guy). *Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.*


Now that is a reason.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> He won't tell me anything about their relationship really, other than duration and a few other details. He has never said why they broke up (ended an engagement), or who did the breaking up.


Man I hope it wasn't cheating, but it would explain his behavior maybe even his sexual issues. Man this is brutal.


----------



## sokillme

TAMAT said:


> ufwm,
> 
> Tell him the entire truth don't hold back or try to lie, don't minimize if he asks for lots of details give them to him.
> 
> Don't trickle truth him that is often fatal to a marriage, leave nothing for him to find out two weeks from now or a year from now.


I agree except for the size part. That one I would not tell as it's kind of a firecracker. No need to rub salt in the wounds. Some guys can't recover form that one and it is irrelevant to the situation for the most part assuming she is never going to cheat again and as she says the sex was bad.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> If he leaves then I have nothing. I'd lose my husband, he'll most likely want me to leave and I'll have to find somewhere to stay, he'll tell his friends who will hate me, my friends will find out and they will hate me, he'll tell his family and mine, who will hate me. He knows people who I work with, his mom is good friends with my boss, so everyone at my work could hate me or I could get fired who knows. Or the same could be true if he stays, but at least I'd have him...


This sounds like an extreme version of what will happen. There will be fall out and you may break up and lose his friends. I doubt you will lose yours, or your job. Your life will go on, you will have to work hard to fix what you did either way and you are only 28. Everyone in life deserves a second chance. 

Besides that no use in speculating. Right now just work on how you are going to tell him.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> Is this something that people do? Like trash daytime TV


You would be surprised. I was shocked when I started reading these boards.


----------



## sokillme

ufwm said:


> As certain as what he told me, I only have his word for it. He didn't have a relationship between me and her but had casual sex. When he told me there was no reason to lie. He's mentioned it a few times since. He's attentive, but I'm boring with sex apparently.


How old is he?


----------



## Kerf

deepsouth said:


> Right, I read that. But I don't think she's going to use those as an excuse, is she?
> 
> She says she loved him even after those things. Was she really sitting there thinking that because her sex life wasn't optimal, and he had anger issues, she was going to stray? She said the opposite happened.
> 
> If that's her reason then say it... at least I could deal with that.
> 
> I have so much compassion for her willingness to admit fault and I do hope that somehow she comes through this, but please give the man those reasons if that is what caused the problem. At least it is something that seeks to make sense of it all, albeit in a weakened sort of way.


Their sex life is.... bad, the way she described it.Only a minute, never an orgasm... he was better with his ex and others...

She said she wasn't looking to stray, but got seduced easily and brought the OM in her husband's bed one night.

I mean, the marriage obviously wasn't perfect.She thinks she loves him but.... why do you need her to restore your faith in people?


----------



## MattMatt

ufwm said:


> He tries. He doesn't ignore me but nothing works for me and he gets frustrated, and I do. He knows what he's doing, I should be able to (orgasm) but I can't. I never can. When I first started seeing him and met a group of his friends one of his female friends/use to hook up with made a comment about how lucky I was. That factors into me not wanting to be around his friends. He gets frustrated when we try and try and nothing happens, and we just quit trying for the most part. There has been duration problems for most of our relationship. The first few times were fine. With his ex's and other women he was with he "almost always" finished then went again. We tried once, and he couldn't do it.
> 
> Either A) I suck in the bedroom and I'm the worst he's had so he just wants to get it over with, or B) He cared enough to put in the effort for every other woman he's been with, except me because I'm not worth it.
> 
> I love him, and I don't exactly have a vast amount of experience to compare him to (even now, and I don't think I said much if anything about the sex with the other guy). Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.


 @ufwm Where do you live? The reason I ask is that in some cultures cheating on a spouse can bring a whole heap of troubles, some cultures, not so much.

Is your country one where admitting to cheating might be a problem for you, legally?


----------



## sokillme

deepsouth said:


> Okay, I've just read the whole thread (at least to this point!) and it's one of the most painful I've ever read. I wondered why is this so so hurtful? So from a man's perspective here is what I see happening:
> 
> Most of the questions that have been raised to you point to a fundamental concept that I (and I assume there are others) believe and accept and that is-- THERE MUST BE A REASON beyond what you initially stated. You've hinted at some of them, like jealousy, curiosity, being attracted to a good looking guy, etc..
> 
> As a man I don't won't to believe that on some random night when the planets line up, and the moon is full that my wife will suddenly turn into another woman, a woman that I don't know. Maybe I'm just insecure but I don't want to live in a world where that is a possibility.
> 
> You come along and throw a monkey wrench into the mix and say that is exactly what happened. That hurts. If I were your husband that would be the death knell that I couldn't ever move beyond.
> 
> Maybe that is the root of many or maybe most of the questions you are being asked... there just has to be another reason, there has to be something that makes sense, otherwise we must accept the RP philosophy and accept the fact that random events can destroy our lives irrevocably. Not just any random event but one that doesn't have any rhyme or reason.
> 
> In my opinion, you've got to examine the why and give your husband something more than "It just happened."
> 
> For men everywhere, please tell us that it ain't so, tell us that there was a reason. I don't care how bad the reason is, but don't leave us in limbo with the fatalistic notion that on some special night, when the song was right, women cheat.


No one ever said there wasn't some truth to RP philosophy. It's not flat earth society. But it's just some women who are like that, just like there are some men who are players. 

Random events destroy lives all the time, drunk driving, choking on a chicken bone, the Kardashians. That's kind of the human condition isn't it? 

As far as this one here I don't think it's hard to see that it's not random. You have a insecure wife in a marriage with the normal problems that all marriages go through, whose husband is away, who has very poor boundaries. And yes at the end of the day with some alcohol in her and feeling the ego boost of the moment she wanted this guy more then she cared about how it would affect her husband. That is the harsh truth with everyone that cheats. They do it because the pick the affair over their partner. It's a question of character. 

Some people have impeccable character when it comes to this and would never do it. Some people are insecure, some are lonely, some have bad marriages, but not all of them cheat it is those people who have poor boundaries that leads to the cheating. Look most people at one time or other in their marriage or life wish they could just run away or escape. They may be tempted by someone who is very charming or attractive. But the person with good boundaries makes sure they are not in a position where the temptation gets the best of them. When they start to feel tempted they get the hell out of there. Everyone is tempted. If you are a Christian you know even Jesus was tempted. That was what was missing in this situation for sure. She has a weakness but she played right into it. 

I do wonder though where this would have gone if the guy had not left. That is really what OP needs to figure out, that and setting up boundaries.

A lot of people who don't cheat never find themselves in positions to be able to cheat because they think ahead and avoid situations where they will be tempted. This is also a way to have good character because not everyone is immune to temptation.


----------



## Stang197

ufwm said:


> jld said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's okay. Just be as honest and open as you can be.
> 
> Hon, what you really seem to be struggling with is whether or not he will stay. You have to let go of that.
> 
> Just know that whatever happens, you will be okay.
> 
> 
> 
> If he leaves then I have nothing. I'd lose my husband, he'll most likely want me to leave and I'll have to find somewhere to stay, he'll tell his friends who will hate me, my friends will find out and they will hate me, he'll tell his family and mine, who will hate me. He knows people who I work with, his mom is good friends with my boss, so everyone at my work could hate me or I could get fired who knows. Or the same could be true if he stays, but at least I'd have him...
Click to expand...


And this right here is the red pill truth. Here is the real source of her pain. Not the incredible pain that her husband is going to experience but what is going to happen to her lifestyle. Doesn't get any worse than this. Doesn't get any more selfish. This mindset is the reason that MGTOW is exploding . What your husband is to you is beta bucks.


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## sokillme

ufwm said:


> He tries. He doesn't ignore me but nothing works for me and he gets frustrated, and I do. He knows what he's doing, I should be able to (orgasm) but I can't. I never can. When I first started seeing him and met a group of his friends one of his female friends/use to hook up with made a comment about how lucky I was. That factors into me not wanting to be around his friends. He gets frustrated when we try and try and nothing happens, and we just quit trying for the most part. There has been duration problems for most of our relationship. The first few times were fine. With his ex's and other women he was with he "almost always" finished then went again. We tried once, and he couldn't do it.
> 
> Either A) I suck in the bedroom and I'm the worst he's had so he just wants to get it over with, or B) He cared enough to put in the effort for every other woman he's been with, except me because I'm not worth it.
> 
> I love him, and I don't exactly have a vast amount of experience to compare him to (even now, and I don't think I said much if anything about the sex with the other guy). Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.


Maybe he feels bad that you don't get off on it. Like he is failing at it for you. That can be it too, it doesn't have to be for selfish reasons. Have you ever researched what to do to turn him on? Or what you might like to do to turn yourself on?


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## deepsouth

Kerf said:


> Their sex life is.... bad, the way she described it.Only a minute, never an orgasm... he was better with his ex and others...
> 
> She said she wasn't looking to stray, but got seduced easily and brought the OM in her husband's bed one night.
> 
> I mean, the marriage obviously wasn't perfect.She thinks she loves him but.... why do you need her to restore your faith in people?


Right, I read the thread. She didn't or wasn't blaming any of her ONS on those things.

As far as needing her to restore my faith, I don't. She needs to restore his faith and that is going to be nigh near impossible without giving him a reason beyond saying that it was merely happenstance that the guy ended up in her bed.

If you think that will fly then go with it, it's not going to work.

My needs in this thread were only rhetorical. Hopefully the advice given by all of the posters is going to help her deal with being completely honest with her husband.

FYI, (and the others reading) I really don't need her to restore my faith in womanhood by giving me an answer because I know that infidelity is a choice that is based on some reason, always.

btw, I've read the thread already!


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## sokillme

Stang197 said:


> And this right here is the red pill truth. Here is the real source of her pain. Not the incredible pain that her husband is going to experience but what is going to happen to her lifestyle. Doesn't get any worse than this. Doesn't get any more selfish. This mindset is the reason that MGTOW is exploding . What your husband is to you is beta bucks.


:frown2:


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## EleGirl

ufwm said:


> He tries. He doesn't ignore me but nothing works for me and he gets frustrated, and I do. He knows what he's doing, I should be able to (orgasm) but I can't. I never can. When I first started seeing him and met a group of his friends one of his female friends/use to hook up with made a comment about how lucky I was. That factors into me not wanting to be around his friends. He gets frustrated when we try and try and nothing happens, and we just quit trying for the most part. There has been duration problems for most of our relationship. The first few times were fine. With his ex's and other women he was with he "almost always" finished then went again. We tried once, and he couldn't do it.
> 
> Either A) I suck in the bedroom and I'm the worst he's had so he just wants to get it over with, or B) He cared enough to put in the effort for every other woman he's been with, except me because I'm not worth it.
> 
> I love him, and I don't exactly have a vast amount of experience to compare him to (even now, and I don't think I said much if anything about the sex with the other guy). Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.


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## ufwm

I'm going to try and put the replies in one so I don't have to make a ton I'll fix it if it's done wrong.



ufwm said:


> Sometimes I wondered what someone else would be like or if I'd be just as bad with someone else.


I hate myself for saying this. 



MattMatt said:


> @ufwm Where do you live? The reason I ask is that in some cultures cheating on a spouse can bring a whole heap of troubles, some cultures, not so much.
> 
> Is your country one where admitting to cheating might be a problem for you, legally?


It's no fault divorce here. If/when we divorce legally my cheating won't have an effect on the outcome. 



sokillme said:


> How old is he?


He's 33.



sokillme said:


> Maybe he feels bad that you don't get off on it. Like he is failing at it for you. That can be it too, it doesn't have to be for selfish reasons. Have you ever researched what to do to turn him on? Or what you might like to do to turn yourself on?


He has told me what he likes, but I'm not good at anything. And no, I'm not just throwing a pity party. I'm the only person that he waited to have sex with. Not until we were married, but 15 months. He was already committed and attached by the time he realized I suck in the bedroom, he thought it could get better in time. Evidently not. 

He does feel bad and gets frustrated but the issues have pretty much been present from the start.



Stang197 said:


> And this right here is the red pill truth. Here is the real source of her pain. Not the incredible pain that her husband is going to experience but what is going to happen to her lifestyle. Doesn't get any worse than this. Doesn't get any more selfish. This mindset is the reason that MGTOW is exploding . What your husband is to you is beta bucks.


That isn't true... If all I cared about was myself I wouldn't even think about telling my husband. I wouldn't care that I was going to destroy him. I would sit at home crying all day, every day for the last 4 days.


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## deepsouth

sokillme said:


> Random events destroy lives all the time, drunk driving, choking on a chicken bone, the Kardashians. That's kind of the human condition isn't it?


But people don't randomly have sex with other people because of some hypnotic trance. Yes, you might get hit by a car as you leave for work tomorrow but you're not going to end up in someone else's bed because you walked into a bar, at least under the circumstances she described.

Look, she has admitted that she found herself wondering about what it would be like and even went so far as to say that it was out of curiosity (perhaps stemming from her own insecurities).

She has reasons, all I'm saying is that she should tell him those reasons. She wants to be honest, I believe her and if I believe her maybe he will too!

If he leaves it won't be because he mysteriously finds himself in a bar and then drives home with a woman and takes her to his bed. The reason will be revenge sex or maybe that he's checked out of the marriage.

I'm new here and I'm thinking this is what is referred to as a thread jack... I'm sorry. I will try to do better!


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## Taxman

ufwm said:


> Unless he secretly isn't attracted to me at all, I don't think it could be that much of a difference. It's like a completely different person with me compared to everyone else. So when he hangs around women that he has a (sexual, sometimes romantic) history with I hate it, because they were all better and what if he wants that.


That says an awful lot to me. You feel inferior to his former lovers, and so to prove it to him, you go out and f**k a stranger at a bar, and give him a double f**k-you by doing it in the marriage bed. I believe you are angry with him for a number of your own issues, not the least of which is an inferiority complex, which may have fuelled your ONS.


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## straightshooter

ufwm said:


> Is this something that people do? Like trash daytime TV


UFWM,

Well, you've been given every possible explanation of why you did it except the right one. Every time you add a little more and state as you have multiple times you wonder if you would be this bad ( unable to orgasm) (or have OM last) with other men, it shows that what I said in the beginning is the truth. Stop trying to fight it. It does not make you a devil!!!! Millions of married people of BOTH sexes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. And a certain percentage will act on it and no one on this planet will be able to predict who with certainty. That is why all this analysis is meaningless at this point. 

No one knows you, or your husband, or OM, so all this speculation of WHY you made a series of poor choices is meaningless, and they are going to be meaningless to your husband. The FACTS are by your own words
(1) you were making eye contact with him. And none of your friends commented or noticed???? Hardly likely but you tell us again if poor little muffin was just sitting there minding her business, let her friends go, and boom, Price Charming shows up.??? I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to get you to forget about all the possible hidden reasons and admit to YOURSELF not us the truth.
(2) you were not drunk when you made the conscious decision to stay and get yourself seduced. 
(3) you made a dangerous decision for yourself in taking a stranger to your home. That is why you are getting all the questions about did you know him. Maybe not but you apparently saw him and were interested enough to flirt with him when the opportunity arose.

At this point, whether you are going to remember about a condom or how many strokes before he ejaculated or if he did is meaningless. As is all of our speculation on what your husband is going to do IF you tell him which it looks like you are leaning towards. And as a side note now that you say you go in there often for food and know the bartenders, the chances are you are going to run into this guy again, although my bet is he will come "fishing" to you.

The reason a polygraph was suggested to you was because that will showe your willingness, whether you do it or not, to subject yourself to a very intrusive test to prove to your husband that this was not something you had done before and that what you tell him is the truth. Most likely he will initially refuse because he will be such an emotional mess he won't be thinking straight, but the saying is
Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and the polygraph is the best way to hide nothing. You are not a sociopath so I hope the "experts" who will tell you they are not reliable will also tell you that the CIA and NSA and many large corporations use them so either they are all stupid as are the multimillion dollar consultants who interpret the results are or these "experts" that decry these tests are not as bright as they think they are. The point here is that your comment about "Jerry Springer" needs to be re examined because it may help save your marriage if it comes to that.

You have two days until what is called D Day if you proceed with your current plan., If I were you, I would stop trying to right now figure out why you did it. You can't undo it. Your immediate problem is how do you have this discussion with your husband without making it worse than it is. I'd start by
(1) writing a detailed timeline from the time you left your house until you woke up. And by the way, the answer "I can't remember" is one of the worst answers you can give so you better do a lot of thinking on what you CAN remember. The reasons for this timeline are (a) you will be very upset and probably be slobbering all over the place and screw up the whole truth even if you are trying (b) it holds YOU accountable with not being able to change the story, add or omit (called trickle truth), and is one step in getting it all out there correctly and honestly.
(2) spending the better part of the next two days looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself the truth. Owning your **** and admitting you did it because you wanted to does not make you evil. Understand any "reason" you spout out is likely to be construed as an excuse. 
(3) preparing you plan in case he asks you to leave. If he does that, do it and tell him you will be there when he is willing to talk to you. Repeating you're sorry a hundred times is not the simple answer.

Now his reaction could be ANYTHING, and it is ridiculous for any of us to be TELLING you what it is going to be. The possibilities can range from absolute rage, to throwing things around the house, to him rolling up in a ball and crying. Every single on of us reacts to devastating news differently. 

I and probably most of those here believe you are very sorry and remorseful for what you did. That is different from regret that you would have if you were caught. And of course that is if you are telling us all the truth, some of which has trickled out here.
What I question is your telling us that you had no part in instigating this.

Let's hope you do the right thing and can weather this storm.


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