# Married but in love with another



## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

I'm sure this isn't the first time this thread has occurred. Looking for some fresh feedback. 

For starters I realize I'm a fool for getting involved with someone else while married. I was seeking what was missing and ended up with butterflies for someone else. (I said in love in the title but know I'm in the honeymoon phase) it has turned into a physical affair. The story...

Background - together 14 years. Married 9 years this month. I'm 30 she is 31. 2.5 year old daughter. Just moved 800 miles from both of our families 9 months ago. 

My wife is my high school sweetheart. She asked me out and I accepted because my friends pressured me to find a girl and because i wanted the attention (come from a divorced home)I clung to her because she showed me attention and cared for me. I have had spurts of on again and off again feelings of love and in love. Usually around major events in our marriage (proposal, anniversaries, wedding, child birth). Some times the feelings lasted longer than others. 

I recently realized my feelings are gone. I am not attracted to her. She has never accepted me for who I am, instead pushed her opinion on me to be better suited for her. I've changed so much in my life for her (many for the better I suppose) and now I just want her to accept me for me! I feel like I cannot make any decisions without her approval. When I do she regularly voices her opinion or rolls her eyes if she disagrees. I have shared this with her and she thinks I'm asking her not to say a word about any decisions I make instead of just accepting it and accepting me and learn to respect me enough to let me make decisions. She tries hard to please me at home (she stays at home with our daughter) by cleaning, caring for lots of the household responsibilities, etc. but that's not what I need. Her response is always "I don't get what you're saying or what you need."

She loves me, so she says. She says she wants to be with me forever. She says she has no one else. She is a great person and a great friend. She is an excellent mother. She is regularly depressed, likely because I don't put much effort into the marriage due to how she makes me feel. Ive tried to jump start it but it fizzles quick. She is not a sexual person, but I am and she stated she will never change. 

Enter the affair. I sought relationship websites looking for someone and she#2 found me. I was up front and honest about my marriage. Felt I wanted out and said I wanted to form a relationship to help ease through the divorce process. She accepts me for who I am, we have much more in common, and her sexual drive matches mine. I find her very attractive. 

Here is where I could use some advise. I want to be with the person I'm having the affair with. I can see her being by my side as we age and be happy about it, whereas I cannot see that with my wife. But I'm afraid to leave my wife because she doesn't have a good support system and I care for her, I don't want my daughter to move 800 miles away, and I feel bad for my wife as I don't want to her to hurt. 

I feel like I'm being selfish wanting to move on but I know I would be happier in life with someone more compatible to me and not just my first love that I rushed into. Then again, am I selfish to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I don't want to hurt my wife and because I don't want my daughter to live 800 miles away?. (I would let them move back to be with family as I know my wife would badly need that support to be an effective mother)

I'm lost and could use some sound advice!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

1. You've not owned your courtship. You only went along with things because she was showering you with awesomeness? No. If you did, then that makes you a douche. I'm sure you are not a douche. 

2 You aren't attracted to her because you're in the fog of "loooove" with this other woman.

3. The woman you love now is not a good person. She is dating you and you are married. Hm. Character.

4. You have a child. Think about the child. Moving on? How do you move on when you have a child...wish I knew...

5. You won't be happier. Promise. You'll realize what you lost, what you had, and what you know you could have fixed. The affair will fizzle because soon the other woman just becomes a woman. A woman with issues and all the things your wife does--- it's just easy to be awesome when there's no responsibility to anything.

I speak from experience.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whoa. You said you wanted someone to help ease you through the divorce process? And she accepts you?

Of course she does. It's easy and no commitment. 

Divorce is dirty, emotionally speaking. IMO, go through it. Feel all of it. Sit in it. WOrk through it...so it doesn't surface later on.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> 1. You've not owned your courtship. You only went along with things because she was showering you with awesomeness? No. If you did, then that makes you a douche. I'm sure you are not a douche.
> 
> 2 You aren't attracted to her because you're in the fog of "loooove" with this other woman.
> 
> ...


1. It's hard to explain. I want to love her but have always struggled. Our marriage has been pretty bad for the most part. We just kinda get along.

2. I found her unattractive way before the affair.

3. You may be right. Great point. I told her I would likely be divorced soon. Maybe I led her on?

4. Tell me, is it better to stay in a loveless marriage that is prevalent to her, my daughter? I would talk to her daily, likely facetime as well, and request a transfer to a city closer to my daughter once my contract is up. Move on was in reference to my heart as it relates to my wife. 

5. You may be right, I'm trying to sort through that. That's why I posted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did you do on a regular basis in your marriage to keep your attraction to her and the love alive?

HOw much time a week did you spend with our wife, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What did you do on a regular basis in your marriage to keep your attraction to her and the love alive?
> 
> HOw much time a week did you spend with our wife, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?


Not sure what you're looking for with the first question. I don't think I was ever fully attracted to her. I liked that she liked me. That fizzled a while back because we both did our own thing when coming home from work. No date nights, etc. 

As far as time per week doing date things, not much. I work a ton and we have a young daughter that she doesn't feel comfortable leaving with anyone else. Since I've told her I want to be accepted and want to spend time with her she did surprise me a week ago with a date night (the neighbor watched our daughter, but we can't always do that because we don't trust the neighbors husband... He was out of town last week) we play iPhone games back and forth regularly and talk about them. We watch TV together (different couches)

I see your point...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You get what you put into something.

And as far as your child is concerned, I don't know what is best. I don't know how she'll internalize anything. I come from divorced parents and my dad tried for a while to be a dad, but his new life was so busy.

Yea. I wasn't right until my 30s. But that is ME. Can't speak for all.

I just say to be slow at this. Really sit with yourself WITHOUT the affair partner. You'll never get to any solution with that woman in the way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And it just sounds like, to me, you are grasping at any reason to leave your wife. Forget that she's a good mom and wife ...you said so yourself. She tries.

But I would think it would be hard to like anyone that you didn't spend time with. A garden grows where tended.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woe is me said:


> Not sure what you're looking for with the first question. I don't think I was ever fully attracted to her. I liked that she liked me. That fizzled a while back because we both did our own thing when coming home from work. No date nights, etc.
> 
> As far as time per week doing date things, not much. I work a ton and we have a young daughter that she doesn't feel comfortable leaving with anyone else. Since I've told her I want to be accepted and want to spend time with her she did surprise me a week ago with a date night (the neighbor watched our daughter, but we can't always do that because we don't trust the neighbors husband... He was out of town last week) we play iPhone games back and forth regularly and talk about them. We watch TV together (different couches)
> 
> I see your point...


Yep that's my point.. the two of you let whatever you did have together die a long time ago. Generally when a person's feelings for their spouse die they tend to not remember the good, even the passion, that existed between them at one time. 

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". A marriage needs to be nurtured.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I speak from experience.


Did you cheat or get cheated on?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I cheated way back when. On my older daughter's father--- we weren't married. Once I was "Free" to be with my affair partner, it lost luster. I didn't want my ex though. He was insane.

I am going through a divorce now...because my husband said he wasn't happy. He wanted a fast life. Whatever that means. Well, he wasn't happy when he moved out either...after a few months, he now wants to move home.

Yea. It's a clustermess. I take it day by day.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep that's my point.. the two of you let whatever you did have together die a long time ago. Generally when a person's feelings for their spouse die they tend to not remember the good, even the passion, that existed between them at one time.
> 
> Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". A marriage needs to be nurtured.


She still remembers the positive. I remember the negative. I just don't know if I have the drive to do it. I had this feeling before the affair. 

My concern is I won't have the drive to nourish the relationship with the girl I'm having the affair with in the long run either...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Happiness comes from within. I can't say that enough. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.

Sit with yourself. seriously.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Woe is me said:


> She still remembers the positive. I remember the negative. I just don't know if I have the drive to do it. I had this feeling before the affair.
> 
> My concern is I won't have the drive to nourish the relationship with the girl I'm having the affair with in the long run either...


I say to sit with yourself because you just said you see yourself getting old with this other woman. Now you say she's not worth it probably either.

Sit with yourself. Make no decisions. Get right with you.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> I say to sit with yourself because you just said you see yourself getting old with this other woman. Now you say she's not worth it probably either.
> 
> Sit with yourself. Make no decisions. Get right with you.


It's not that she is not worth it. It's that I may not nourish that relationship like I failed in my marriage and be back to square 1. 

What do you mean sit with yourself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No one can help you until you are willing to help yourself.


Keep in mind that you are teaching your daughter that this is what she can expect when she grows up... she can expect to marry a man who does not really care about her and leaves her for someone else.

Is this really the lesson you want your daughter to take with her in life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woe is me said:


> It's not that she is not worth it. It's that I may not nourish that relationship like I failed in my marriage and be back to square 1.


Nourishing a relationship is a choice. It's not like you are incapable of doing it. If you don't do it, it's because you chose to not nourish the relationship. If you chose to not nourish the relationship it means that you do not really care about her (whoever 'her' is).

I gave you the name of books to read that will teach you how to nourish a relationship. How to do this is not some secret. It's not hard to do. But it has to be done unless you want to just move from relationship to relationship.



Woe is me said:


> What do you mean sit with yourself?


That means end the affair and take time to work on yourself and become a better person.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's all choices. If you choose to not nourish it, then that's on you.

Sit with yourself--- I mean, just be in the moment. No distractions in life (get rid of other woman). Learn about YOU. Your needs/wants. Why you're not satisfied with the life you've made. NOT placing blame on others but coming to grips with yourself as a 30 year old man. 

I have been sitting with myself for a few months now. I've learned a TON about myself and what I will and won't tolerate. My husband is 30. I am 37. We've been together 6 years, married for almost 4.5. He has issues. He never sat with himself, always put the blame on the outside (childhood, parents, job, me, etc). No. Now he's looking at himself and OWNING his shet...and I have done the same. He left 2 years ago and I had to sit with myself then. Therapy changed my view on life and myself. I worked on me. 

Stop with this other woman. She is a distraction. She is mirroring what you wish you were...what you wish you had. Don't drag her into this.

Your wife needs to know where you are emotionally and mentally. Without blame on her. The talk won't be easy. I had it with my husband--- rather he had it with me. But I understand and have compassion. Doesn't that mean I'm letting him move home? no.

This lifetime is just a journey to become better humans each day. Stop where you are and figure out how to become better. Not what can change on the outside of yourself, but on the inside. 

It's difficult...not gunna lie. But it's worth it.

Until you sit with yourself, you'll never be happy and you'll constantly chase what you think is "happiness". 

You have the power to make this all end...just by getting right with you.

It's all choices.

Nourishing ANY relationship (friendship, marriage, etc) takes work. But if you don't nourish yourself first, you'll never be able to nourish anyone else.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank you. Both of you.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I am quite surprised there were no man feedback on your story. I am yet another woman, but I think I can bring some light to your question... Although I didn't plan to revive that here and will probably get blasted at or ended up making me feel like I am being judged. 

How long have you been 'dating' with the OW? And yes you probably lead her on by telling her you are getting a divorce eventually. As time progress she would probably get upset and felt it is a waste of her time and that you don't love her enough to finally cut the tie with your wife. So this relationship you have with your OW is not going anywhere good for both of you if you don't make your decision that she is worth it. Having said that, do you really know her enough to know that she is the one that can also survive a marriage with you? No one is perfect, but when you are in love with someone, you are in a fog. The only way to do it is to cut the cord and go cold turkey. Hurting now better than later.

Now coming to your marriage. Sigh.. let me put it in a way without telling my story... if you want to know my experience and where I am coming from, sent me a private message. Here it is: go to marriage counseling with your wife. This is all because your kid is only 2.5 years old... and I strongly think it is just a phase you two go through.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Woe is me said:


> I'm sure this isn't the first time this thread has occurred. Looking for some fresh feedback.
> 
> For starters I realize I'm a fool for getting involved with someone else while married. I was seeking what was missing and ended up with butterflies for someone else. (I said in love in the title but know I'm in the honeymoon phase) it has turned into a physical affair. The story...
> 
> ...


You may as well confess your affair - less messy that way than if your wife finds about it from someone else or on her own.

You make it sound like you married your wife for other reasons than love or maybe you did love her but are re-writing your marital history to justify your affair. Regardless, 3 yrs. ago you loved her enough to conceive a baby.

As a parent, I cannot believe you are okay with your daughter moving 800 miles away just so you can be with the OW. That is very selfish. Your daughter needs a full-time Father.

Also the OW is a very selfish woman. I am assuming she has no children because a good person & Mother would never break up another family & be okay with shipping a small child 800 miles away from the Father. The OW may be just using you for sex - remember she is not a good person.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're wallowing.
Don't.

Choose and commit.

You want this other woman? Then end it with the woman to whom you are married.

People often say "Its not that easy" or "Its complex."

No. It isn't.

The math on this one is easy. You don't love her, not sure if you ever did.

Divorce with dignity and move on. Whether or not you tell her about the affair is irrelevant, unless of course you choose instead to do nothing and simply continue with the affair. The affair will eventually come out. They always do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its really quite simple.

Divorce your wife.

She deserves a man who does love her.

It isn't all about you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So basically you've taken the cowards path by instead of being honest with your wife from the start, you went to cheating sites, signed up, got a affair, and you are full on into cheating.

You've had dozens of opportunities to change your course along the way, but you keep picking the easy, selfish, cowardly choice without any regard to your daughter or wife.

So why did you post here, as its obvious you have already made up your mind, your actions show that clearly.

Now if you honestly wanted to change here is a simple smoke test on future actions: what would you want the guy marries your daughter to do in such a case?

Since you've already made up your mind, I suspect you are really asking for support from people who would tell you, it is all good and you need to do what makes you happy.

Trouble is that is no longer true - you gave your vow to your wife, and you have responsibility to your daughter. It stopped being ok to be selfish way back when you got married. 

Advice- stop cheating and stand up and honor your responsibilities and commitments. It really is as simple as you choosing to be the man that's worthy of your daughter.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So basically you've taken the cowards path by instead of being honest with your wife from the start, you went to cheating sites, signed up, got a affair, and you are full on into cheating.
> 
> You've had dozens of opportunities to change your course along the way, but you keep picking the easy, selfish, cowardly choice without any regard to your daughter or wife.
> 
> ...


I had not made up my mind. I feel I would be happier emotionally, physically, and sexually with the OW. But you're right, I made a commitment. I have a daughter who needs me. 

I started the break up last night with the OW. I "sat with myself" and realized selfishly, I need to be with my daughter. And unselfishly, she needs me. Just need to fix the marriage. 

Next question:

Why wife judges me and overly expresses her opinion. It's hard to be honest when she shoves her thoughts down your throat. I have not been honest with her for that reason and have learned to lie quite a bit. Suggestions for fixing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Nice...

Read your post, you are full of excuses. No one pressured you into marrying your wife.:/ 

Not only are you destroying your wife's life, but your own child's life as well. 

You are also teaching your daughter that a man cheats on his wife, then leaves. 

Start being accountable for your own actions and take full responsibility for your very poor decisions.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Deejo said:


> You're wallowing.
> Don't.
> 
> Choose and commit.
> ...


:iagree:
I couldn't have said this any better. I divorced my wife. It is not an easy path. You better be sure that is the path you want. And leave the OW out of the equation. You don't need the extra variable right now because she may not figure in the end when you solve your equation. As the moderator said, keep it simple. Your immediate problem is whether to stay married.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

You should change your username to 'Woe is my wife'.

Confess your adulterous and immoral affair, ditch the piece on the side, and work on your marriage.

With luck, your wife will forgive your behavior, which has been nothing less than selfish and deplorable.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Woe is me said:


> I'm sure this isn't the first time this thread has occurred. Looking for some fresh feedback.
> 
> For starters I realize I'm a fool for getting involved with someone else while married. I was seeking what was missing and ended up with butterflies for someone else. (I said in love in the title but know I'm in the honeymoon phase) it has turned into a physical affair. The story...
> 
> ...


You talk to much about 'feelings'. Love isn't a feeling. It is a choice. It is something you do.

I believe you can love many people. When you get married you have chosen who you are going to love. 

You need to explore everything you can to help you love your wife (IC, MC, etc.). 

Having an affair is not the answer. Like you said, you are in the honeymoon phase. Add in children, finances and just day to day life and you will end up with issues with the new girlfriend as well. Might be different issues, but all marriages have issues that take work. You should have chosen to do the 'work' instead of taking the easy way out.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Woe is me said:


> I had not made up my mind. I feel I would be happier emotionally, physically, and sexually with the OW. But you're right, I made a commitment. I have a daughter who needs me.
> 
> I started the break up last night with the OW. I "sat with myself" and realized selfishly, I need to be with my daughter. And unselfishly, she needs me. Just need to fix the marriage.
> 
> ...


My wife does this too. I having dealt with it in the best way too.

I can only advise you on what 'not' to do. Don't lie. Don't stop talking to her about it. 

I tell my wife it is difficult to discuss things with her when she is so negative and condescending (rolling her eyes) about things. I have been married for over 25 years and still fail at handling these situations. But I haven't stopped trying.

Often I don't give my wife enough credit. Her approach doesn't work (being negative) but often if I listen, she has valid opinions that I need to take into account.


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

Some of the posters on here should be banned from this site. Shoving condescending opinions down someone's throat when they are asking for help is ridiculous. I thank each of you deeply who responded with clear and concise advice. It helped. I ended it with the OW an am focusing on my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now you can concentrate on your marriage. Are you going to tell your wife about the affair? She really has the right to know that her marriage is a sham.

It's hard for us to give you advice on how to handle your wife giving your opinion on things since none of us can see you and your wife interacting. And of course she should not need to not voice her opinion. 

Perhaps you can start with her actions related to her voicing her opinion. She should never roll her eyes at you unless it's in jest. Doing it and meaning it is pretty rude. 

Some people call those kinds of things love busters. You can see how it's busting your feelings. So when the two of you are not in discussion tell her that you will not longer tolerate her doing things like rolling her eye at your (putting you down). From here on out, if she rolls her eyes and/or does other similar gestures, you will walk away. After an hour or so, when the two of you have had time to cool off you two can talk again.

Bad behavior, like eye rolling needs an audience. So deprive her of the audience.. you.

Some books that will help you...

"Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"


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## Woe is me (Aug 11, 2013)

With time and as it is right I will tell my wife of the affair. If she asks, I will not lie. For now I just need to focus on finding love, if possible, or if not move on. I can think more clearly without the OW I assure you that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Woe is me said:


> With time and as it is right I will tell my wife of the affair. If she asks, I will not lie. For now I just need to focus on finding love, if possible, or if not move on. I can think more clearly without the OW I assure you that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not really about finding love, as much as it is finding yourself. I wish you luck and hope things turn out the way you want.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Glad to see you took the advice of those here to end it with the OW. She isn't the answer. You'll find around here on TAM that those who are engaged in an affair find themselves in an "affair fog" and that their memory of their marriage is dramatically distorted. An affair essentially creates a temporary massive injection of dopamine which makes the whole world feel more beautiful, and everything in the past appear much darker and more unpleasant than it really was. It's a veil, tunnel vision at it's best. Worse, you have to question her being willing to engage in an adulterous affair with a married man, and of course you were NOT honest with her at all. (In your first post you said you were honest in what you were seeking, but clearly you were not)

You aught to continue to take the advice of those here and get you and your wife into counseling. Also, I highly recommend a few books like Love & Respect, The Five Love Languages, the Married Man's Sex Primer 2011, etc. All of those could help you tremendously. It is so incredibly easy to take just literally a couple of minutes a day (EVERY day) to make dramatic improvements in your marriage after a few months. I always think the best first step to saving a marriage is to force yourself to start the recovery by committing to a plan and not giving up. Of course that plan won't produce fruit quickly, so giving up so soon as you indicated you have in the past doesn't mean that the plan isn't working, it means that you aren't committed.

And dude, you don't have a problem with your daughter being moved 800 miles away? Don't let your selfishness cost you a relationship with her, and her the incredible life benefits of having her father around to teach her the things a girl can ONLY learn from her father. Another book I highly recommend is "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters". I'm dead serious, it's an easy read and you'll do your daughter an incredible service by doing so. That and I bet your wife will get positively wet when she see's you reading it.

More so than most folks facing marital problems here on TAM, you have an incredible choice here to turn your family around and make you all very happy. That won't happen with the OW, and that relationship would likely have been doomed anyway. (The failure rate of adulterous relationships, even post divorce, is incredibly high) It isn't too late, and you've made the right decision in ending it. With that said, I'm sure you're still deep in affair fog, likely second guessing yourself constantly and going back and forth between picking up the phone to reach out to her again and focusing on your wife. You've got to stay strong and realize that affair fog is an allusion, it's not real life, and it doesn't last!

I'll be praying for you dude. Keep up with the good effort!


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