# Cheater Gets More Bedroom Action at Home



## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Hi All,

I am in a long-term relationship and we have been engaged for the past 2 years (tying the knot end of this year). Wife-to-be and I have been together for the last eight years, but only started living together 3 years ago. 

When we first met I was a guy who used to cheat. I think its because I was younger spent too much time with the guys. But WTB has been a patient woman and I have since grown up and reformed my ways. Plus we have a beautiful daughter now (which is part of the reason I stopped playing around. We are stable and happy overall now, but there is something that troubles me. The sex has dropped quite a lot. 

I find that I get turned down quite bit and she hardly initiates anymore. She will normally initiate when she sees that a week goes by and I don't show any interest. I think maybe she feels bad that she turned me down a few times and I'm sulking. When we do have sex its great and she's multi-orgsmic. But I don't understand why she doesn't want it as often as I do nowadays. 

A few years back when I used to mess around and wasn't that serious about the relationship, she used to initiate even more than I did. But over the past year or so her drive seems to have dropped.

I'm not going to go outside to search for more (too much stress and lies to maintain affair). But I am just curious if is this a stage or something. We are both in our 30's so it can't be menopause.

Thanks in advance for any feedback


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So you're saying you got more "bedroom action" from your girlfriend when you were cheating on her? Did she know about the cheating and was trying to get you to come back to her?

I'm kinda glad she has not married you yet.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

I broke off the affair when she found out about it. She dumped me and it took us a while to work it out but she finally took me back. I suppose what I'm asking here is if that affair killed our intimacy or can we actually get it to where it was before the whole mess I made?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

How old is your daughter?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Ntsikzo said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am in a long-term relationship and we have been engaged for the past 2 years (tying the knot end of this year). Wife-to-be and I have been together for the last eight years, but only started living together 3 years ago.
> 
> ...



I think when people sense that you're not "all in" or totally invested, they try a little harder. Perhaps that is what was going on.

Once she felt like you were settled down, committed and completely invested, she feels more free to reject your sexual advances. In short, she doesn't feel she needs to try as hard any more to please you. That's a HUGE red flag, my friend. You're not even married yet. 

What do you think will happen on the "bedroom front" once that occurs?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ntsikzo said:


> I broke off the affair when she found out about it. She dumped me and it took us a while to work it out but she finally took me back. *I suppose what I'm asking here is if that affair killed our intimacy* or can we actually get it to where it was before the whole mess I made?


Probably.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

SpinDaddy said:


> How old is your daughter?


Our daughter is 4 yrs old


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Mostlycontent said:


> I think when people sense that you're not "all in" or totally invested, they try a little harder. Perhaps that is what was going on.
> 
> Once she felt like you were settled down, committed and completely invested, she feels more free to reject your sexual advances. In short, she doesn't feel she needs to try as hard any more to please you. That's a HUGE red flag, my friend. You're not even married yet.
> 
> What do you think will happen on the "bedroom front" once that occurs?


What scares me is that maybe she is not as invested in this relationship anymore. I do wish we could go back to how things were before. She says she has forgiven me and its in the past but I guess there's still a lot more work to be done. 

I want to suggest that we speak to someone more professional, but first I wanted to get your views on TAM.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I do understand that you cannot sympathize with someone who has brought the problems on themselves, but I do appreciate your views


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ntsikzo said:


> I broke off the affair when she found out about it. She dumped me and it took us a while to work it out but she finally took me back. *I suppose what I'm asking here is if that affair killed our intimacy *or can we actually get it to where it was before the whole mess I made?


How long has it been since she found out about the affair?

I do think that the affair has a lot to do with the way she interacts sexually with you now. She knows that she was not special to you. She probably is afraid to be truly vulnerable with you.

The one thing I can think of that can strengthen your relationship and can bring back the passion is to do the work in these books:

His Needs, Her Needs
Love Busters

It's all about rebuilding the intimacy and the trust.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It might be possible that she was quite low in self esteem when she took you back and has since hit 30 and grown up a bit. She might now realise she is worth more than what you did to her and has lost interest in you. 
Your past ways have probably killed any possibility for a good, long term relationship.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Its been more than two years since the affair. 
At the time when were working to resolve things she asked me a question which has stayed on my mind since. She asked me why I did it and if did she somehow push me there? The truth is that she did not do anything wrong, which is what I told her. I fell into the temptation trap without thinking that it could cost me someone very special to me. The woman I had the affair with was a friend I had a crush on when were growing up. At first it was innocent, just catching up but soon progressed to more serious. 

What this experience has taught me though is how 1 bad decision can change the whole course of ones life:scratchhead:

Thanks for those links I will check those books out.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Holland said:


> It might be possible that she was quite low in self esteem when she took you back and has since hit 30 and grown up a bit. She might now realise she is worth more than what you did to her and has lost interest in you.
> Your past ways have probably killed any possibility for a good, long term relationship.


What you saying maybe true, but I think what we have is special and going fight for it. And yes I did mess it up myself but I beleive in second-chances


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It's also possible her seemingly decreasing drive is just a typical progression of some relationships. If you stick around here long enough you'll read a million posts about this issue, even with couples with no affairs. Maybe having a 4 year old is taxing on her. Is she a SAHM?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And to sort of go against the grain here...it's possible that your past attitudes and behaviors, ones that likely went hand in hand with the cheating, kind of a bad boy attitude are what she found sexy and hot. Now that you've settled down into the more family man role, it just doesn't trip her trigger like it used to.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

My husband cheated on me almost a year ago and, while we are still together, my self-esteem is still very low because of what he did. Cheating is not "one bad decision". It is many bad decisions made over and over again every single time you chose to cheat, every time you chose that person over your wife. His affair definitely affected my sexuality, since I now know he does not consider me his "one and only" and I still have the image of them kissing in my head. I am still very much attracted to him, but when your self-esteem is this low it's hard not to second-guess yourself all the time, wondering what you are doing wrong and wondering when he'll decide he wants to leave again

I made the decision to stay in my marriage because I love him, find him very attractive, and know that we are all fallible. I have tried to be more sexually desirable for him, wearing makeup and heels more often because I know that's what he likes, and it makes me feel good about myself too. I think as long as she is trying in some way to show you she loves you there is still hope. Just know that two years is not very long to erase the scars, and you need to be doing everything you can to rebuild her trust in you.

Best of luck to you both, for your daughter's sake.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You've been together 8 years. This sounds like the standard 7 year disinterest / 7 year itch.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

One time a year ago, my wife found a receipt from a bar in my pocket that showed I had bought 4 raspberry vodka tonics. I had just been out with a male client who happens to like girly drinks, but she did not know who I was with.

She got VERY sexual with me that day in a way she never does-- she basically told me she had to have it right then. She NEVER acts this way.

She only asked me about the receipt after, which is when I put two and two together.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ntsikzo said:


> Its been more than two years since the affair.
> At the time when were working to resolve things she asked me a question which has stayed on my mind since. *She asked me why I did it and if did she somehow push me there? The truth is that she did not do anything wrong, which is what I told her.* I fell into the temptation trap without thinking that it could cost me someone very special to me. The woman I had the affair with was a friend I had a crush on when were growing up. At first it was innocent, just catching up but soon progressed to more serious.
> 
> What this experience has taught me though is how 1 bad decision can change the whole course of ones life:scratchhead:
> ...


I would guess that she's finding it hard to be attracted to, and sexual with, someone she doesn't feel emotionally safe with. You told her she didn't do anything wrong that caused you to cheat. It wasn't that the relationship was bad or there were problems. You cheated while things were good. So there's nothing she can work on or do that will keep you faithful. She doesn't trust you not to get bored and wander off to another woman again. 

Mistrust, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness as a partner - the very things most people feel when their partner cheats - are all libido killers. 

What have the two of you done to rebuild your relationship? What concrete steps have you taken to shore up your boundaries? Are both of you spending 15+ hours per week doing fun, date-like things, and are you meeting one another's most important emotional needs?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Did you ever stop to think OP, that maybe you have changed so much too? 

Once a 3 person comes into a marriage it changes everything for everyone. 

~sammy


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> My husband cheated on me almost a year ago and, while we are still together, my self-esteem is still very low because of what he did. Cheating is not "one bad decision". It is many bad decisions made over and over again every single time you chose to cheat, every time you chose that person over your wife. His affair definitely affected my sexuality, since I now know he does not consider me his "one and only" and I still have the image of them kissing in my head. I am still very much attracted to him, but when your self-esteem is this low it's hard not to second-guess yourself all the time, wondering what you are doing wrong and wondering when he'll decide he wants to leave again
> 
> I made the decision to stay in my marriage because I love him, find him very attractive, and know that we are all fallible. I have tried to be more sexually desirable for him, wearing makeup and heels more often because I know that's what he likes, and it makes me feel good about myself too. I think as long as she is trying in some way to show you she loves you there is still hope. Just know that two years is not very long to erase the scars, and you need to be doing everything you can to rebuild her trust in you.
> 
> Best of luck to you both, for your daughter's sake.


I can assure you your husband did not cheat with the intention to lower your self-esteem or to hurt (as in my case) because you two are still together. 

In my case it was stupid decisions and not realizing the consequences could affect my life and other peoples lives in the process. The problem is you do it without thinking it through, because if you did think about what could happen you wouldn't do it. And the "funny" thing is I almost destroyed my life with someone I did not want to spend my life with. 

What I have also done is sever the ties with some of my single friends. they can lead you into temptation.



> samyeagar
> Re: Cheater Gets More Bedroom Action at Home
> And to sort of go against the grain here...it's possible that your past attitudes and behaviors, ones that likely went hand in hand with the cheating, kind of a bad boy attitude are what she found sexy and hot. Now that you've settled down into the more family man role, it just doesn't trip her trigger like it used to.


I spoke to a friend of mine and he said it is possible sometimes that when you are having an affair you become extra nice to your partner, over-compensating without even realizing it.Which is similar to what you saying Samyeager.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Rowan said:


> What have the two of you done to rebuild your relationship? What concrete steps have you taken to shore up your boundaries? Are both of you spending 15+ hours per week doing fun, date-like things, and are you meeting one another's most important emotional needs?


Thanks for the Suggestion Rowan. we're not up to 15 hours yet, but But our daughter spends Friday evenings with her mom or mine so it gives us time to be alone. 

I told Fiance about this post and all your advise. She said she appreciates the effort, but I must give her time to deal with how she feels in her own way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Who runs harder, the person jogging alone, or the person racing against competition?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Ntsikzo said:


> A few years back when I used to mess around and wasn't that serious about the relationship, she used to initiate even more than I did. B


Correlation does not imply causation - RationalWiki


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## quester (Nov 22, 2014)

You have to also look at other factors, such as long term relationships themselves, and having a child.

I have been married twice, and I can say that from my experience, there is something in wedding cake that decreases a woman's sex drive to levels less than were experienced during engagement and before. I have heard and read this from countless others. The reasons I've read vary - but it's not uncommon. Maybe you didn't actually have any wedding cake - but a long term commitment and living together probably have the same effect. She's got you, you've got her. The need to impress diminishes.

Then there is the birth of a child. Twice I've experienced a woman's post-childbirth decline in sex drive - for somewhere around two years each - with my ex, and my wife. She's completed her biological purpose at that point and needs a break. Someone new is taking her energy.

There can be a happy ending to this story though. If you wait long enough, communicate, help her, love her, take good care of one another - and are loyal to one another - you can come back to a higher sexual frequency eventually. She has to understand you and your feelings - and you have to be reasonable and caring. She's dealing with biological forces that are beyond her ability to change.

Women search out a relationship to secure a child raising partner, men search out relationships to secure ongoing sex. That seems like a good plan - but after securing a relationship and childbirth, maybe a little gentle reminding needs to take place.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

This is how unfair life is!

I've been a faithful partner for a couple of decades. Taken great care of the kids... Never cheated when it came to me on a platter (with beautiful, foreign women). She treats me with complete contempt, and loses her interest in sex. Never asks fo it, and will reluctantly give it when I ask.

Now, I pretend I'm cheating, and she seems more interested!

(I'm not, but just untypically spending late nights out with the guys, not explaining my absense etc... It makes her want sex more. As if to prove her desirability! You're right!)


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Ntsikzo said:


> I'm not going to go outside to search for more (too much stress and lies to maintain affair)


Am I the only one who caught this? You're not cheating because of stress and lying? Not because it's wrong? Not because you love your wife? Not because you WANT to be faithful?

I'm going to guess that this attitude has bled into your marriage and your wife is reacting to it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> One time a year ago, my wife found a receipt from a bar in my pocket that showed I had bought 4 raspberry vodka tonics. I had just been out with a male client who happens to like girly drinks, but she did not know who I was with.
> 
> She got VERY sexual with me that day in a way she never does-- she basically told me she had to have it right then. She NEVER acts this way.
> 
> She only asked me about the receipt after, which is when I put two and two together.


I just told my guys at work I am taking them out tonight for martinis and Zinfandel. Who cares about the looks they just gave me if it pays off when I get home :smthumbup:



Chris Taylor said:


> Am I the only one who caught this? You're not cheating because of stress and lying? Not because it's wrong? Not because you love your wife? Not because you WANT to be faithful?
> 
> I'm going to guess that this attitude has bled into your marriage and your wife is reacting to it.


I was wondering about this as well, basically saying you don't want to cheat b/c you don't want to deal with another woman, not that you don't want to hurt your wife again ...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do not marry her. The child support payments will be the best money you ever spent. You get to support your child and you don't have to support her mother. That "if you want it, shoulda put a ring on it" works both ways.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Am I the only one who caught this? You're not cheating because of stress and lying? Not because it's wrong? Not because you love your wife? Not because you WANT to be faithful?
> 
> I'm going to guess that this attitude has bled into your marriage and your wife is reacting to it.


:scratchhead:
Quite an eye-opener CT, I need to do some more self-introspection


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Could your partner be getting some one the side?

If so this may explain why she isn't sexual with you.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

lovelyblue said:


> Could your partner be getting some one the side?
> 
> If so this may explain why she isn't sexual with you.


No I don't think so. I hope not
But we are spending a lot more time together lately. I find it interesting that spending quality time together and living together are two very different things. I am also learning a lot about myself from my SO. 

This forum is also a great help, especially because people on the forum a normal everyday people and not so-called "experts"


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> Do not marry her. The child support payments will be the best money you ever spent. You get to support your child and you don't have to support her mother. That "if you want it, shoulda put a ring on it" works both ways.


Orrrr.....He could have tried NOT cheating on her, and that may have gotten different results in their lives.

She isn't auditioning to be his wife. I'm sure she actually THOUGHT when they got together and engaged he wouldn't be f*cking other women. Now that he changed that dynamic, you want to blame her for "not putting out", like it is a choice SHE made to feel like crap after being cheated on? Seriously?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you in good shape? Hit the gym.

Read the threads of neuklas and Bagdon


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