# What is wrong with the Idea of Open Marriage?



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Hai to all, 

I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?

(purely for discussion)


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

To me this idea is contradictory.

What is the point of marriage and commitment if both agree that there is no exclusivity or commitment. Open marriage is nothing more than a roommate situation, not a marriage at all.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Hai to all,
> 
> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
> Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?
> ...


The WS only suggests that in an attempt to take away the moral high ground from the BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A sh!t stirrer thread.

An open marriage is fine if both parties agree to it. If not, then it's a problem. Same with when one person cheats and the other isn't down with it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why marry if you're going to keep it open. Dating with no strings attached is much easier. JMO.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> A sh!t stirrer thread.
> 
> An open marriage is fine if both parties agree to it. If not, then it's a problem. Same with when one person cheats and the other isn't down with it.


Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

keko said:


> Why marry if you're going to keep it open. Dating with no strings attached is much easier. JMO.


There are economic and family benefits to being married whether it's open or traditional
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

if both partners truly want an open marriage who is anyone else to say they are wrong? But if both aren't on the same page, or if one is holding some power to have more partners over the other some how that is just morally wrong IMO.

Personally, I can't separate sex from emotion so for me to have a marriage is by definition monogamy, or else just call it what it is, sexual, or emotional (or whatever it is) relationship with different partners.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> A sh!t stirrer thread.
> 
> An open marriage is fine if both parties agree to it. If not, then it's a problem. Same with when one person cheats and the other isn't down with it.


and to take this a step further, open marriage should be discussed and agreed to BEFORE the marriage, not afterwards.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why bother bring marred then? So much better bring truly free without any complication or false loyalties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Don't think there is a problem if BOTH spouses agree to it--unless the spouses are cheating with other married people. Also, this is definetly not appropriate behaviour if they are parents of small children.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Hai to all,
> 
> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
> Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?
> ...


Usually a major problem is that it's rarely mutual. When my wife and I discussed it, it wasn't because I wanted that. Also, I found that even discussing the idea added endless unnecessary complexity to what should be pretty straightforward for most people, which is you marry the person you love and treat that person accordingly until you die or get divorced. In all of my wife's conduct the past year plus, the thing I resent the most is that my formerly relaxed and simple life has become so complicated.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Before dday, when our marriage became sexless, my ex told me that I could sleep with other women if I wanted to. Of course, I wasn't down with this and I was too stupid to realize that she was already sleeping with other men.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Before dday, when our marriage became sexless, my ex told me that I could sleep with other women if I wanted to. Of course, I wasn't down with this and I was too stupid to realize that she was already sleeping with other men.


My wife asked me one time, "what happens if I get too fat?" I jokingly replied, "I'll just find a girl friend." 

She said, "OK".

That worried me more than anything. Too me that says she's either sleeping with someone else or wants to sleep with someone else.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I read an article in the NYT awhile back about a growing segment of middle aged empty nesters who are opening their marriages amicably because it`s economically better than divorcing.

They`re living together like room mates and reaping the benefits of marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I read an article in the NYT awhile back about a growing segment of middle aged empty nesters who are opening their marriages amicably because it`s economically better than divorcing.
> 
> They`re living together like room mates and reaping the benefits of marriage.


What freaking benefits would those be? When single I had much more money and free time for me. I didn't have to coordinate anything and I could paint the walls anything I wanted. And if I wanted to change the tv channel, no negotiations.

No, marriages only benefits are completely negated when it goes open. You no longer have respect, trust, integrity, or frankly love. You are reduced to a paying roommate who might get some from you so called partner if they haven't got any better offers. You are reduced to the old crappy car in the drive way that people only drive if they need to haul some trash and don't want the good car getting dirty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RGoldman (Apr 4, 2012)

Consider the damage to all the people not directly involved. Husbands, wives, children of somebody who secretly sleeps with someone in an OM eventually get hurt.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> What freaking benefits would those be? When single I had much more money and free time for me. I didn't have to coordinate anything and I could paint the walls anything I wanted. And if I wanted to change the tv channel, no negotiations.
> 
> No, marriages only benefits are completely negated when it goes open. You no longer have respect, trust, integrity, or frankly love. You are reduced to a paying roommate who might get some from you so called partner if they haven't got any better offers. You are reduced to the old crappy car in the drive way that people only drive if they need to haul some trash and don't want the good car getting dirty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think she meant that you get to keep your life savings if you don't get divorced once you become an empty nester. Most guys end up in the small apartment with the crappy car after the divorce. However, I agree with all the emotional crap an open marriage will create. I couldn't do it. I'd rather be poor.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I think she meant that you get to keep your life savings if you don't get divorced once you become an empty nester. Most guys end up in the small apartment with the crappy car after the divorce...


um, you mean access to your half of the marital life savings that you are both entitled to anyway?

In my case I ended up with the house, and at first the worse car but I am better off because even though my ex and I have the same level of education I'm the one that has held down a stable job where she just floated around from job to job, tiring of it and leaving after she got bored every 6-10 months. I could afford to keep the house, she couldn't. Yes I earn more and so I pay child support even though we split custody 50/50.

Seriously there would have been no advantage of us opening the marriage versus divorcing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> What freaking benefits would those be? When single I had much more money and free time for me. I didn't have to coordinate anything and I could paint the walls anything I wanted. And if I wanted to change the tv channel, no negotiations.


Benefits change.

If I were to divorce in the most amicable split known to man there`s no way I`d ever be able to get back to where I was when single.
There`s no going back, not really.

The possible benefits are health insurance, retirement accounts, taxes, living accommodations, family cohesion.

Financially these benefits can be and often are hefty.

I don`t see why two people who are friends but have lost the emotional bond of love can`t carry on like this if they choose and are capable.

According to the NYT many are.



> No, marriages only benefits are completely negated when it goes open. You no longer have respect, trust, integrity, or frankly love.


Shaggy not all marriages end in an inferno of resentment and hatred many people just fall out of love but still hold that respect. trust, and integrity.
These rare people are often entirely capable of carrying on a celibate friendship after divorce.

I don`t see why they shouldn`t.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Open marriage is an oxymoron when you get to the heart of it. Like others have said why bother being married in the first place? Marriage by definition is a covenant of exclusivity of both partners to each other.

Open marriage =
military intelligence
Living dead
Open secret
Original copy
Controlled chaos
Organized mess
Bitter sweet
Deafening silence
Dry Drunk
Forward retreat
Irregular pattern
Noisy silence
Quiet riot
Serious joke
Sweet sorrow

As you can see I could go on....


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Lon said:


> um, you mean access to your half of the marital life savings that you are both entitled to anyway?
> 
> In my case I ended up with the house, and at first the worse car but I am better off because even though my ex and I have the same level of education I'm the one that has held down a stable job where she just floated around from job to job, tiring of it and leaving after she got bored every 6-10 months. I could afford to keep the house, she couldn't. Yes I earn more and so I pay child support even though we split custody 50/50.
> 
> Seriously there would have been no advantage of us opening the marriage versus divorcing.


Your in Canada. It's different in CA. I agree that a wife deserves her fair share, but it doesn't always work out that way when the husband is the bread winner. Typically, the exwife gets house and half of retirement account, husband pays alimony and child support while wife starts dating new man. New man moves into your house but wife doesn't get married or find a job making you the financier of her new lifestyle indefinately. Also the husband gets to pay attorney fees for both parties so he ends up poor.

Peace


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Benefits change.
> 
> If I were to divorce in the most amicable split known to man there`s no way I`d ever be able to get back to where I was when single.
> There`s no going back, not really.
> ...


After divorce sure, if they edit cleanly. That's very different from staying married and having to put up all the personal day to day stuff but not getting any of loyalty, love, or commitment you deserve fir doing that.

Thats my point. Why put up with an open marriage when all you get from it is having to accept your spouse is on the prowl fir strange and you are an after thought.

If I need a nice place to live and can afford it my self, I'd be better off with a true room mate since I can have over night friends without awkward issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sandc said:


> Open marriage is an oxymoron when you get to the heart of it. Like others have said why bother being married in the first place? Marriage by definition is a covenant of exclusivity of both partners to each other.


I get really tired if people defining everyone else's marriage into what "they" think it should be.

Marriage is and always has been different for everyone



> As you can see I could go on....


You could but what would be the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Is it marriage if it is open?
Should you not be saying as "open relationship"?
Animals have ethics. Where is human beings?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I get really tired if people defining everyone else's marriage into what "they" think it should be.
> 
> Marriage is and always has been different for everyone
> 
> ...


Hey, don't dump on me. I don't define marriage. It was defined long before I was around. If you have a problem with me take it up offline please.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Open marriage??? I guess I think that it is fine for others. Not something I want for my self. 

I think there are so many life style choices out there that don't hurt me in the slightest.

If I understand right the open part means that the couple goes out side each other for sexual reasons. 
More power to them if they can truly be alright and happy in an open marriage. I have to admitted I wonder how it works emotionally more then financially or sexually. I guess for me it would never really be an option but I think if others can make it work then good for them.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?


It's no problem if this was something agreed upon by both parties. But when there is already cheating involved it's just throwing a bone to BS. "Uhm OK you caught me, then have a go and f*ck someone"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your in a same sex marriage and its open, and one of the spouse dates a person of the oppisite sex, then is it cheating?????


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> A sh!t stirrer thread.


Are you always right?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

with almost 9800 post and being here for over a year, whats makes you think Jellybean is always right LOL, LOL, LOL


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is always going to be much easier for a woman to have men willing to be her lovers, even if she's not drop dead gorgeous than for a man to have women willing to be his lovers - excluding famous men in the entertainment business. Any man who pushes for or is pushed towards an open marriage is a *fool*. 



tacoma said:


> Are you always right?


She is.


Queen Jellybeans

:allhail:


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

Why don't I want an open marriage? I don't share well with others. 
If an Open Marriage is what is agreed upon by both partners Great! 
My H didn't ask me if it was okay for him to have sex with someone else, he knew I would have said no  
Peace


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I was in an open marriage for about twenty and a quarter years.
Here's how it worked. My wife opened her legs for just about everybody in the town where we lived while I was at work,
And, I opened my wallet to pay for all the losers she was screwing.
Can't recommend it.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Hai to all,
> 
> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
> Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?
> ...


The only successful open marriages that I have EVER heard of was where both spouses were completely open and honest about everything. So if an open marriage was started under the guise of dishonesty or post affair, I would guess that there is <1% of being successful.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Hai to all,
> 
> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
> Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?
> ...


because open marriages require openess, trust, and communication.

None of these qualities are in an affair.


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## Rose292 (May 16, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Hai to all,
> 
> I was wondering reading many posts here and other sites that many WS wanted an Open marriage while BS is against the Idea. Why cant we live in an Open Marriage and have fun when WS is already having that?
> Earlier it was like women are keepers and men are hunters, but that scenario changed to men are keepers of marriage, vows and children while women hunt (in many cases, faithful women please excuse me) *why cant we also go for hunting like our WS?*
> ...


Well, I think this would be called "turning the tables and making things even" rather than an "open marriage" which, for all intents and purposes, should be something agreed upon before the marriage begins. 

And FYI if an affair has happened and vows have been broken, the WS has a license to go hunting, rather than sit and mope.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

My WW only suggested an open marriage during her brief three month EA. It was a way of alleviating her guilt. The OM was feeding her a bunch of self-serving BS. 

I called her out on it. I told her that isn't what I had signed up for and if she wanted to change the terms of our marriage unilaterally, I had the right to nullify it altogether. 

99% of couples don't have the emotional framework to deal with an open marriage. I don't know first-hand, but I am sure a successful open marriage requires phenomenally open communication, clear boundaries and two VERY secure people.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> My WW only suggested an open marriage during her brief three month EA. It was a way of alleviating her guilt. The OM was feeding her a bunch of self-serving BS.
> 
> I called her out on it. I told her that isn't what I had signed up for and if she wanted to change the terms of our marriage unilaterally, I had the right to nullify it altogether.
> 
> 99% of couples don't have the emotional framework to deal with an open marriage. I don't know first-hand, but I am sure a *successful open marriage requires phenomenally open communication, clear boundaries and two VERY secure people.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

For some people, open marriage is okay. For many others, it's not. It depends on whether married couple is essentially monogamous or polyamorous. 

The main problem is that often, the couple has gotten married with the assumption that it will be a monogamous partnership and then one partner has chosen to have multiple partners while still expecting the loyal spouse to remain loyal. If one spouse has multiple partners, then the other ought to have the same right. Usually, though, Loyal Spouse will not want to change the foundation of the marriage from monogamy to polyamory, and the Disloyal Spouse is actually only suggesting it so that he/she doesn't lose the Affair Partner. It's not a true lifestyle choice.

There are people who do not want to live monogamous lifestyles and they should be honest about that and partner with people who share those values, not try to impose those values after securing someone's commitment and trying to get the committed person to change. 

If you want to be monogamous, be monogamous. If you want to be polyamorous, then be polyamorous. But, be honest about what you want and be willing to accept that you can't change someone else to want what you want. Dishonesty, manipulation, and exploitation are the real problems.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If you get to the point where two people think that an open marriage is a good idea, it usually means that their marriage is over and they just trying to put a bandaid on a large gaping wound.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know I thought more about the question, and I think I have it figured out:

The problem with an open marriage is that any potential partner who would be open to it, is immediately unworthy of being married to,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Don't you rather mean open relationship? Marriage is a formal commitment between two people to be faithful to one another, and allowing others to enter the marriage would surely be a contradiction of the very meaning of marriage.

By all means have an open relationship, but don't call it a marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's always interesting how the proposition of an open marriage seldom surfaces before a couple gets married.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'd be curious if people in open marriages and with that mindset would be more or less inclined to have an affair with a person in a committed affair.Also,if they did,what would it feel like to be open and honest with their partner while being back alley for the sake of the OM/OW?Personally,I'd rather not have all the entanglements,but I understand it's different strokes for different folks.Just as long as both are in agreement and nobodies being hurt.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Who said there's something wrong if both parties agree to it.

Although, I don't see what's the point of getting married if you want to have more than one partner at a time.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

There is at least one poster here, whose husband cheated with a woman who was part of their swinging foursome. He got emotionally involved.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It works for our neighbours, but I am not in favour of the idea.

What if one person in an open marriage falls out? Or rather forms a deep bond with one of their lovers?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

What's wrong with an Open Marriage?

If your spouse agrees....nothing.
If your spouse disagrees....everything.

My brother and his wife started out that way but she grew tired of it and wanted to be "exclusive". I didn't know their back story but when she said he cheated then I heard the word "exclusive" I figured out real quick what was happening.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

IF the proposal for an open marriage is brought way before a couple starts an exclusive relationship and before getting married they agree what the rules of their marriage will be, then it could be argued that BOTH are going in without being deceived. Nevertheless, it doesn't immunize them against one or both of them ending up cheating.

Call me cynical but most of the times that one spouse proposes an open marriage is because he/she is either on the verge of cheating or is already cheating and wants to sanitize their betrayal.


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