# How We overcame adultery



## bestblu1

My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.

In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.

If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.

I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


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## CMC125

Best, 

There is no cure all, the personalities and lifestyles too varied to cookie cutter a thrill pill.

You post less than a year out, you have forgiven its the forgetting part that many times will be the deathblow to a relationship.

Yes, there is precribed steps do they work with any cetain level "no".

This matter go's from one extreme of makeup to the unmentionable.

Peace be with you.


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## SFladybug

I too have been married 30 years, and we suffered through affairs and the aftermath for much of this time. 
We stayed together because we are both stubborn and wanted to do the right thing and we kept hoping it would get better (still working on that) 
BUT ... I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that you just found out about this in July of this year and have already moved past it.
O.k., I'll bite, what could the both of you possibly have done that would bring that type of resolution so quickly or are you still really just in shock and denial??

For those others of you that are struggling with a spouses affair or your own, it is possible to work through it and stay together. It does dramatically change the level of trust and I believe happiness you experience for a long time. But hey, none of us married just to be happy did we? We married to be in a partnership for life and sometimes (often) it means asking for and offering forgiveness.

Best to you all who are still working this out.


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## dobo

Share away. If you think it can help someone, please share.


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## hoping

yes please, i could realy use some words of encuragment!!!

seriously, i am truely interested.


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## bestblu1

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the skepticism in regards to someone being able to overcome the pain of adultery in such a short time...so let me clarify.

I didn't say that we are past it, but that we are successfully overcoming it or to be more specific, I said "The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us."

I know for a fact now, that it is something that I will never completely forget...never. To me, it wouldn't be much more painful if one of my kids passed away. And that is definitely something a parent would never completely get over. 

But just like there is a process that works for overcoming grief when a loved one dies there is a process that works _*if*_ both parties want to save their marriage. Emphasis on "both parties".

I am at work right now so I can't spend a lot of time on this post but will respond again this evening.


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## CMC125

We did not survive, the damage too extreme.

Lasted 2 yrs post confession, there was nothing left but hate and distrust.

But that was us.


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## bestblu1

Here are a few things that have helped us. Number 1 is that she was truly sorry. You may think, yea right...12 years and now she is sorry. Well, it's a long story (and I may get into it sometime) but when she confessed to me, she was so upset that she ran to the bathroom and vomited several times. My wife has only thrown up one other time in our 35 years of marriage (food poisoning). 

Her emotions were very high and she begged me not to leave her. 

My emotions were equally out of control and I was hyperventilating and felt at the same time that I was having some sort of "out of the body" experience or a bad dream and I needed to try to wake myself up really fast.

Someone who has never experienced being cheated on can never really know what it feels like, but if you have been cheated on than you know what I am talking about.

(The previous paragraphs don't even come close to describing how I felt and the flood of thoughts that ran through my mind faster than I can remember them now). 

Of course I immediately thought things like:

I can't live with her anymore
I will kill him (I know who he is)
I can never have sex with her again
I can never trust her again
I can never trust _*anyone*_ again

After about an hour of crying and wailing (honestly I think the neighbors could hear me even though the doors and windows were closed), I decided I had to get out, drive around, collect myself, just do something.

I went into the garage and backed the car out. She came outside and asked me where I was going. I told her I didn't know I just needed to drive. She begged me to come along so I let her in the car and just started driving.

About three blocks down the road I said: "Don't think for a minute that you are going to blame me for any of this!"

It was quiet for a moment and she said: "So you don't think you have any responsibility in this?"

(Without getting into a lot of detail right now at least, let me just say that even though I had been faithful to my wife our entire marriage, I wasn't a perfect husband by any stretch).

When she asked me that question, it was sort of like the reality of my short comings was made crystal clear to me. Mind you, I don't take blame for what she did and she doesn't blame me. But I do now realize that there is a great deal more that I could have done to meet her emotional needs over the years...and I didn't do them.

We drove and cried and drove and cried. We headed out into a desolate area near our home and just drove and cried some more. She was sobbing and telling me how sorry she was and bad she felt. She started trembling uncontrollably at one point where I seriously thought she was having an emotional breakdown. I told her I was going to take her to the hospital but she refused.

At some point during the drive, something changed inside me. Up to that point I felt "gutted". I felt like I wanted to murder her lover. I was so full of hatred for him, and hurt from she had done to me, despair, anguish....really bad pain like nothing I ever thought I could endure.

Suddenly, while she was sobbing and apologizing and begging me to forgive her, the feelings inside me changed from the anger and pain and I felt a very strong sense of compassion for her. I could tell from her emotional condition that she was truly sorry for what she had done. I could just tell. Don't expect me to be able to prove anything, please just accept the fact that I'm not a stupid person and sometimes you just know when someone is being real.

The first wide spot in the road, I pulled over quickly and threw the gear selector into park. She had her face buried in her hands, sobbing. When I pulled over she looked at me with a panicked expression (she told me later that she thought I was going to make her get out of the car) as I unbuckled my seat belt and then hers and reached for her and told her that I forgave her and I loved her. 

She tried to push me away saying "no, no, you can't...I've been so horrible, no, no" and a bunch of other stuff like that.

I just grabbed her and pulled her close to me and cried and continued to tell her that I loved her, I was sorry that I had treated her so badly, I forgave her and that I would never leave her.

I'm getting pretty long winded here but the point that I want you to get is that hopefully from this condensed version of how our tragedy was revealed, you can see that we both somehow were able to accept our part of the responsibility.

Somehow I knew, that even though I wanted to, I could not call her names, I could not tell her I hated her, I could not say anything other than how I felt and how hurt I was. Somehow I knew (without really consciously thinking about it) that I would someday regret it if I spewed those things out of my mouth and verbally attacked her.

Somehow I was able to do what turned out to be the right thing (at least in our situation). And even after I forgave her, I still hurt, I still hated, and I was still crying. But I realized at that point how much I loved my wife, and oddly enough I began to believe that even though she did what she did, she still loved me. Knowing how much I loved her, and believing that she still loved me, gave me the strength I needed to start to work things out.

There is a lot more to the story of course, but suffice it to say that the biggest key to our success up to this point has been our willingness to work really, really hard...both of us....work really hard to get our marriage back on track.


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## hoping

i am happy that things are working for you. i wish you two the best of luck and happiness in teh difficult road that lies ahead, but, it sounds like the both of you are committed and you both have a clear view of the road ahead. hopefully that road is truely the path to success. 

please, if you are willing, i am very interested in your continues success, if you are willing to share more of it that is?

thank you and god bless.


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## dobo

That's kind of the way my husband and I are when we fight - the love and compassion is so strong that we end up comforting one another. 

Still, are you sure that was it? You've forgiven and that's it? 

What is she doing to rebuild trust or do you just trust her blindly? 

Also, what are you doing to meet her needs now that you realize she was having some of them go unmet?

Do you have any flashbacks or times when something triggers your fear or anguish? Or haven't you been in many situations with her since that time?


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## CarolineMRF

Good luck and I hope everything works out well..


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## bestblu1

dobo said:


> That's kind of the way my husband and I are when we fight - the love and compassion is so strong that we end up comforting one another.
> 
> Still, are you sure that was it? You've forgiven and that's it?
> 
> What is she doing to rebuild trust or do you just trust her blindly?
> 
> Also, what are you doing to meet her needs now that you realize she was having some of them go unmet?
> 
> Do you have any flashbacks or times when something triggers your fear or anguish? Or haven't you been in many situations with her since that time?


I'm not sure what you mean by your question, "you've forgiven and that's it?".

If you mean are you just going on with life as usual? Of course not. For 6 weeks all we did was talk. No tv, no movies no time apart except when I was at work. Absolutely no time apart other than my job. It's all we knew to do at the time. I didn't want to be anywhere else and niether did she. She does not work outside the home. From the very first day after she told me about the affair, every day that I was at work, she would call me when she left the house for any reason and call me again when she returned. That was her idea before I thought of it. She still does it today.


I have full access to her cell phone bill, email account and she told me she feels more secure knowing that I WANT to keep tabs on her. She has always had access to mine but then, there has never been any reason or suspicions on her part to check up on me. 

The thing that makes this accountability work is that most of it has been her idea and she gives me absolutely no resistance. It is part of _*our*_ plan to rebuild our marriage and not just _*my*_ plan .

What am I doing to meet her needs that I wasn't doing before. Everything. For some reason, I almost immediately knew what I had to do. I can't explain it except to say, deep down I knew what I was with holding from her...and my new mission in life?...Make sure she never has to go outside our home to get what she needs.

The night she confessed everything to me, I thought we could never have sex again...I even said that to her. But after I forgave her, I knew I had to start immediately to get that part of our life back. So..the very next night we made love and went for about 65 or 66 days straight. Skipped a day and then started again. Not trying to break any records. Just a new attitude and reorganized priorities on my part. I had almost lost the most important part of my life and I was not about to let that happen because of anything that I was unwilling to change.

I began talking to her while we made love. Telling her how much I love her and how I was feeling and well, I don't need to get to descriptive except to say that our love life changed radically and it was something she had always wanted but I had been too uncomfortable to do. It is still that way today. Honestly, I was about a once a week guy before. Too busy chasing success. Worn out at the end of the day. What a waste of life.

Also, she almost immediately began counseling with an incredibly brilliant lady (professional Christian counselor recommended by someone else). She went once a week for about 10 weeks. We scheduled the sessions on my days off so I could go with her. I would drop her off and go to the drug store and buy her nice card and meet her with the card when she came out of the counseling session. Then we would go have lunch and talk about it.

Of course I got counseling also, but I was meeting with another counselor. I wanted her to have her own private sessions with a female counselor so she didn't feel like she had to hold anything back because of me being there. The counseling helped her tremendously which in turn helped me.

Other things I am doing that I didn't do before: Clean up after myself. Voluntarily do the dishes and pick up the house. I give her a massage after we make love once or twice a week. The thing is I enjoy doing these things now. It's kinda wierd.

This post is really getting long. Once I get started, all of these thoughts start coming to me and I don't want to leave anything out because I feel like if I don't tell the whole story, someone will think that I'm not being real or whatever and that I must be naive to think that we could possibly have things together already. Trust me when I say, it is still very hard sometimes. The images that come into my mind were overwhelming and overpowered me mentally for a time. 

I eventually learned to recognize those thoughts as "my enemies". The thoughts will try to destroy you. The thoughts will try to get you to hate, to curse and even to kill. I am now much quicker to recognize when my mind is going in the wrong direction and I am able take control of my thoughts back...most of the time anyway.

There is so much more to say about what has helped me, us deal with this. I will be happy to talk about it in more detail if anyone wants to know.


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## hoping

I am VERY happy for the two of you!!

and WOW 65-66 days straight!!!!!:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

but seriously, i aintrigued, and very interested in your story and would love to hear more.

and even if no one wants to listen, why stop? it sounds like you are getting a lot from writing it and sharing it?


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## bestblu1

Here is something else that has helped me a lot. 

*I forgave my wife within about 2 hours of her confession.* I forgave her because I could see that she was truly sorry for what she had done. I told her that I forgave her. Did I still hurt? Was I still angry? Was I still devastated? Absolutely!

But somehow, I knew that there had to be a starting point for us to recover. I knew that nothing that either of us said or did could change what happened. And I knew that I still loved her and wanted her.

Once I verbally forgave her, she told me later, she felt something inside of her change. Remember, she had been concealing this for 12 years and it was tormenting her.

I also told her in our talks later, that I could not and would not put myself through this kind of pain again. She understood very well, that if it ever happened again I probably would be gone (although I didn't say it in exactly those terms).

I then (through the advice of my counselor) told her that I reserved the right to ask questions at any time. I never asked her specific graphic questions about the sexual activity that took place. My imagination could pretty much answer these painful questions for me. What was the point of creating more pain for both of us?

But I asked her about times, locations, thoughts that were going through her head when she was involved with this guy, etc. She has answered some very hard questions. Some of those questions she could have answered falsely and I would have never known. But because she was willing to hold nothing back, I knew that she wanted to change. It took about 2 months for me to get the majority of the hard questions out.

But as we talked and discussed these things, I began to get a picture of what I had done or not done to make her feel like she had to go somewhere else to get her emotional needs met.

Here is a huge thing that I was able to do. I came to the conclusion that the wife I knew and loved was gone. It was as if she had died, left me or just didn't exist anymore. The relationship I thought we had, was a thing of the past. I was now married to a different woman. That thought created a strong sense of loss in my mind and heart. But the flip side of that way of processing things is that, I now have a new, better relationship with a new woman.

I don't have a crystal ball and I have no guarantees that life will always be as good as it seems with her now. But then, love is about trusting and being vulnerable. It's a choice I have had to make.

I have to tell you also that all of this is only possible for me because she has made an incredible effort to make me know that she wants me and not him. If she were still seeing him and talking to him, I can't say that I would be as secure and trusting as I am now.


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## dobo

Well, I don't think many people would be able to forgive someone who cheated for 12 years and then all of the sudden was sorry. 

Did he dump her?


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## bestblu1

I can understand why you would say that. If it had never happened to me and someone else had told me it happened to them, I would have thought that guy was a fool for forgiving her. 

In my situation, I love my wife so much that I am willing to give her another chance. If you read one of my previous posts, you will remember how violently ill she became (she vomited several times) when she was confessing to me. She begged me not to leave her.

The more important aspect to me is the fact that I "emotionally mistreated" her for many years. I felt a certain amount of responsibility for pushing her "into his arms". I know this guy and I know now that he is an incredible manipulator. He knew exactly what to say to her to get her to give in to his advances. He said all the things that I never would (until now...better late than never). He made her feel appreciated more than I ever did. She told me these things without blaming me, but just to explain to me how it happened.

He did not dump her. I caught them through her cell phone records after receiving an email from his ex-wife saying that they were having an affair.

At first she denied it. For a few days after confronting her and her not saying anything, before leaving for work one morning I told her:
"...right now our marriage is at it's lowest point. I am going to give you all day today to decide if you want to tell me more about this. When I get home tonight I want you to tell me everything that is going on and has been going on. If you tell me "the worst" has happened, I will try to stay with you and try to work it out if you want to. If you tell me none of this is true, and we "get over it", but then I find out 2 or 6 months or a year from now that you lied to me, we will be done...forever".

That night when I got home she told me everything. After we both cried and went through the initial 2 hours of agony and everything else, she called him in my presence, and ended it. A few days later I called him and said a few things I probably shouldn't have, but in the process he agreed that it was over. He is probably looking over his shoulder every day wondering what I might do. I know where he lives and works and I let him know that.

Since then we have had an accountability agreement that is working. Again, I have to say that what makes this work for me is that by everything I see and hear from her, she is truly sorry and wants to start over. 

The hard part to swallow for most people (including myself initially) is that it could be over so quickly after a 12 year affair. There is not enough time for me to tell you in this post how focused we both are in staying the course. All of the things we are doing to reassure each other that we are willing to do our part. 

So far, I have been able to "act in faith" to restore our relationship. What I mean by that is in spite of my hurt caused by her actions and the anger I feel toward him, deep down I know what I need to do to restore. So, I just do it. It doesn't always feel good but I do it. I treat her like a woman who has been forgiven and her "evil past" erased. That's all I know to do and so far it seems to be working pretty well. As long as she does what I need her to do to help me trust her again, I am willing to stay with her and rebuild.


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## dobo

And if she hadn't gotten caught, then what? 

And you don't hold her as accountable for her actions as you hold him. She had 12 years of chances to tell him no. It wasn't all him for goodness sake!

Throwing up and crying aren't really great indications of someone that is sorry. Sorry they're caught, perhaps. Sorry they might lose everything, sure. But sorry they carried on an affair for 12 years? I'm sorry but I'm skeptical. How can anyone make up for 12 years of deception?


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## CarolineMRF

If my husband had done this to me or I to him, we would be long parted....IMO, a 12 year affair is like two marriages going on at the same time...I have no doubts whatsoever, if I showed any affection for another man that it would be over....Saying this, as much as I love him and what I have said before, I would have the same feelings for him...We must be one lover and one mate...My thought on this post is that there had to be something big missing to start for this to happen....You can forgive, but can you forget???...


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## bestblu1

Based on both of your responses then, I should kick her to the curb and tell her to get the hell out. Seems like you are playing judge and jury and have not met either one of us. You have no idea of the amount of counseling we have received and acted on. You don't know her and you don't know me and you seem to be looking for a reason to doubt her sincerity and my ability to forgive.

Are you unwilling to believe that someone has the capacity to forgive betrayal just because you don't think you can forgive? What the hell is that.


As far as it being as much her fault as the guy's fault...duh. My conversation with him was based on what he did to gain my friendship in order to get access to my wife. I'm not oblivious to the fact that she had to say yes for 12 years. But the rest of the story includes the times she tried to break it off and tell me, and he threatened to reveal it to our kids and other friends because he was afraid of what would happen to him. This is also part of the discussion I had with him. His motto to her (which I talked to him about and he did not deny) was "you lie till you die".

But I am beginning to have reservations about posting on this site any more. It seems that most of the responses are directed toward discrediting any level of success in restoring a marriage after adultery. Not everyone stays bitter and full of hate after they have been cheated on. There are those who really believe there is hope. And I'm not just talking about me. My motto is "as long as I am alive there is hope". And I will exhaust every option to keep what is valuable to me.

I was under the impression that this forum would be occupied by people who want helpful advice about what has worked for others. Apparently I was wrong about that. It seems more like (so far at least) a place to cry and moan and express one's bitterness and anger for the wrongs that have been done to them. I just don't have time for it.


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## hoping

caroline,

that raises a question for me. is it really about forgetting? can any one aver realy forget? i don't think so, but what do i know? i am suffering with trust issues my self. my point though is that may be, just maybe, you don't need to forget the past to move beyond it and follow your heart? and he also said that she is rebuilding the trust, witch says to me that he has NOT forgoten, or even moved entirly past it yet. but, he is trying to move past it, trying to rebuild and trying to be happy again.... 

and i would argue that a 12 year affair would be more like an affair then another marriage? unless she lived part time with him, shared bills with him, and tried to do anything other then just hook up for some dates/good times now and then. there is a lot more in a marriage thenn their is in an affair.

should we really be second guessing his happiness and progress and reopening the wounds he is trying to heal? or should we be trying to support? isn't that why we all came here to start with, for support i mean?

:rant:
sorry best


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## CarolineMRF

Each and every person is different...My husband and I love each other passionately....I mean it is so special that if I wounded him or he I, I don't know if I could make it through...A short affair or a weekend men's workathon is another thing...That I could see happening...I know the struggles of sexual want...I know life...I do not know what this man and women had in common to start...Maybe there was something real big missing?...There would have to be for this to have happened....I am not judge nor jury....I can only speak of who we are and what I would have felt...Life is for learning and we each learn from each other....I have been lucky...He resisted many women...I shake when I think of it....I never knew...For any couples that are trying to make it work, then make it work...Go back to your yesterdays...Find each other again...Make love in all your old places...Find the two people that you used to be any make it grow....We only live once...Make it count....


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## dobo

All of this is about framing the infidelity. 

But I'm sorry... 12 years of it? that's not someone who is sorry. that's someone who was sorry she was caught and a guy who feels he has no other prospects.

You didn't restore your marriage. You are pretending that she actually chose you.

She chose you when she was forced to. But if she really chose you, she wouldn't have taken 12 years and getting caught to do it.

Sorry. You're a chump.

She threw up because she would lose her gravy train.

There is simply ZERO way a woman could cheat for 12 years and suddenly decide to choose the guy she cheated on.


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## dobo

BTW, I tend to disagree with Caroline on almost everything. INCLUDING cheating.


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## bestblu1

Hello Dobo,

I'm just curious because I am rather new to this forum. What is your personal experience with adultery?

Bestblu1


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## dobo

Just watching my mother cheat on my father.


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## dobo

I didn't mention my father because I don't have first hand proof that he cheated on her. But I'm fairly certain he did from some stupid things he said when drinking.


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## Lostandconfused

I don't believe the Bestblu1 is a chump! I can understand, in theory, why someone would but I can't agree.

I think Bestblu1 has discovered something vital here. That everyone is human and it isn't the length of adultery or the physical or emotional part that plays into overcoming adultery. What makes the difference is remorse and repentance and the ability to give true forgiveness which does NOT include forgetting or hiding from the truth.

I personally believe that we can have opinions, actions, and behaviors in our life that have been of long-standing and seemingly deep conviction that appear to betray our deepest, darkest, and brightest values in life. And yet upon the first real understanding of how wrong we were and IF and when we begin to display by our actions of repentance, which means to turn away from our prior actions/beliefts, etc., that true change occurs.

From what I'm reading, Best's wife went along justifying her actions and behaviors for 12 long years due to various reasons including blackmail by her lover. Upon realizing what she'd done and the true extent of her betrayal, she became remorseful and immediately began actions that displayed her repentance.

His ability to grasp the significance of this was INCREDIBLE in the midst of such devastation and hurt. But, as outsiders, can we really doubt this occurred? I personally cannot doubt. His words ring with conviction, with truth.

It is when the betrayer feels no remorse and refuses to repent that forgiveness is wasted. Then, you become a chump. This man and his wife are victors.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## hoping

I'm with lost. now i may be a fool (i probably am) but i have no doubt in best. i do how ever think he should be care full. that is not to say that there is not a genuine change or that i think things will go south again. i simply mean, an i think he is saying this as well, he needs to let the trust be rebuilt slowly, and over time things will be healed. but, it sounds to me that he has made a great start down that road, both him and his wife.

and, i would love it if he would tell more of how him and his wife have made it so far in the road to recovery in such a short time.


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## seveerE

dobo-may God bless you! may God understand your insensitivity towards others, and forgive you for lashing out on those reaching out. may God bless you.


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## dobo

Being realistic isn't insensitive. You are hiding things and you know it.


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## seveerE

everything is not a conspiracy, or a soap opera. people who come on here are looking for help, and not someone to kick them while their down. God bless you.


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## Lostandconfused

Well, I certainly agree with Hoping that Best obviously needs to watch actions and behaviors that would show repentance has stopped. This doesn't imply that he hasn't forgiven. It implies that he's awake and aware. Just as we watch out for dangers while we are driving down the road, we need to watch for dangers to our marriage.

As far as being healed or healing, I'd agree with Hoping again that healing is occuring but being totally healed is a long way off. I'll bet that Best agrees with that as well. He certainly doesn't sound blinded to reality but he does sound committed to staying in front of the negative thoughts and feelings.

In my own situation, what I've found is that feelings are fickle. They twist and turn with the slightest breeze of negativity or doubt but what I KNOW, that is solid. So when the winds of doubt come sailing through, I ask what do I KNOW? It helps to solidify my stand.

I can say that when my "realization" hit me of the wrongs in my own life, that my life changed - "I" changed. I changed because I became aware and I chose to take action to stop what I had been doing and begin doing something altogether different. The turning point was my understanding and my repentance. I take actions daily to recommit to my new course. That IS change displayed. 

Anyway, again, just my $0.02.
Lost


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## CarolineMRF

I have a special friend who had this happen to her...She is in her mid-50's....This happened when they were young with 2 children.....It tore her apart....She lost 50 pounds...They parted for a very short time and then got back together....He made a mistake...It was a slightly older woman who corraled him and had him for a month......It still haunts her, but they never talked about it after it happened...Theirs is a good marriage......This was over 30 years ago....

Only after talking with this woman in the last three months, would I have the wisdom of her knowledge embedded in my mind....Yes, I would take him back....He made a mistake, but he is mine.....


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## CarolineMRF

dobo said:


> BTW, I tend to disagree with Caroline on almost everything. INCLUDING cheating.


I was just made aware of this statement that was made by this poster....I never saw it because I never read what she writes...I am my own person with my own thoughts....This is how I approach each thread where I voice my thoughts.....I believe that being this way in life is what makes me unique.....

End of this subject.....


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## bestblu1

So...

Here is the part I have left out so far. This is by far the most important thing that has made it possible for me to succeed up to this point in staying the course in rebuilding my relationship with my wife...for both of us.

The worst feeling that I have experienced after finding out that my wife cheated on me was the feeling of loss of self worth. The loss of feeling loved and important to another person. I am sure that it is a common emotion for someone who has been cheated on.

After so many years together with the same person, discovering that the place in her heart that I thought was reserved for me and me alone, had been shared or replaced with intimacy with another man was devastating at first. I now felt that no one considered me important enough to fill that spot in their heart. What a horrible feeling of loneliness I felt. Can you relate to that?

I now know that the only way that I can ever feel secure in my value as a human being and as a man, is to understand that I am important, loved and valued by God. I believe the Bible and the Bible tells me that God will "never leave you nor forsake you". Many people may not understand this but I am surviving and even flourishing in my life because I embrace this truth.

I have come to understand that there is no person on the Earth that can ever fill this need for me as completely and unconditionally as God will.

I love my wife dearly and I believe that she loves me and has repented of her years of unfaithfulness. There is not enough time here to explain what I see in her that convinces me of this but I am convinced of it. We are both different people now.

But even still, I have come to value myself as a creation of God and an object of his love, and understand that more clearly than I ever have before. She nor any other woman could ever give me the sense of being loved so unconditionally. 

I know that are some that will be skeptical of this and will not understand. But think about this if you have suffered from an adulterous situation. Can you ever completely be convinced that your spouse that cheated on you will never fail you again? You can't really. You can hope, believe and even see long term faithfulness on their part...but there will probably always be a wondering, a question, a feeling that your relationship will never feel as secure as it once did.

With God, there is no question, no wondering, and no chance that He will forsake you. His love gives me strength and confidence to continue in my relationship with my wife and pursue the perfect marriage. She could fail me again possibly, but it's a chance I am willing to take.

I will probably take some flack for this post from certain individuals but I don't really care. It would not be right for me to lead people to believe that I have made it this far because I am just an incredibly strong person who is able to what most people don't seem to have the capacity to do...forgive my wife for the wrong she has done. I could not have forgiven her if I could not feel the love that God has for me (after all, He has forgiven me for a lot of stuff). I just wouldn't have the strength. I would undoubtedly cheat on her (that would be easy), turn to alcohol to ease the pain, or drugs...or...I could just move out and not have to look at her again. Those would be much easier to do if...I didn't have God. But I know too much to take the easy way out (which ultimately would be much harder and just increase my pain).


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## silvernblack

Thanks for sharing your experience with forgiving your wife and trying to rebuild your marriage. It's helping me to read your posts, as I have recently decided to forgive (well, I'm trying to forgive) my husband for cheating on me. It is very painful, and we haven't even been married that long. I can't imagine what it would feel like if he'd cheated for years.


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## CarolineMRF

I think your wife is married to a wonderful man...It's funny, but at this age in life you find that you are still learning...Thanks my friend for my newest lesson in life....Take care...


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## Lostandconfused

Best,

I so relate to your latest post. The unconditional love, the faithfullness, the trust that I NEED and MUST have in my life are now there permanently because of God. He IS faithful! He is the most attentive love and He NEVER, EVER gives up on me. He is quick to forgive as well as reprimand me. It's the best and most personal LOVE I've ever found. Through it, I am able to overcome the negativity that I once had in my attitude. I'm able to more unconditionally love my husband.

Thank YOU for sharing this. It's truly beautiful!
Lost


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## hoping

Praise GOD for the strength and guidance he gives us all! even when we can't see him doing it, or when we question it, and even when we fight him...

Praise GOD!

P.S.
I thought that may have sounded like i was being sarcastic? I am not... just wanted to be clear


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## bestblu1

As I read some of the posts that others have written about their personal struggles with a cheating spouse, I have to mention something that I think is important.

I want to make it clear that in my situation, from everything I see and hear from my wife, she wants to change and stay with me. She has demonstrated to me that she is sorry for what she did and she has actively sought counseling to help her make the necessary changes.

_*I believe that my willingness to verbally express my forgiveness and love for her (along with many changes I have made to show her on a daily basis how much I value her) has helped her feel secure enough to choose me over that old way of life.
*_
She has also allowed me to continue to ask whatever questions I want to ask about her affair. Mind you, I have tried to be sensitive to her feelings of guilt and have avoided certain questions about specific things that would only serve to make both of us feel worse. On the other hand, if I put myself in her shoes, I know that some of the questions she has had to answer have been extremely difficult for her...but she has answered them.

After about 5 or 6 weeks of lots of questions, I have eased up on the "interrogation" because I have heard enough to give me a pretty clear picture of what went on, what she was thinking during that time and so on. I don't feel the need to continue asking difficult questions about her past, but still ask her questions about her daily activities to maintain accountability on her part. She is fine with that.

But the point I want to make is, if she were not so willing to cooperate, I don't think I would still be around. I am not saying that I am right or wrong about that but I am saying that what has helped me most is the fact that she wants to stay with me and has not shown any inclination to go back to the old lifestyle.

Some of the other posts I have read tell stories of "cheating partners" that continue to cheat. My wife understands very well that I will not put myself through the pain of ongoing infidelity again. I think too much of myself to do that and I love her too much to "enable" her to continue to live that way and still be with me.


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## swedish

I believe a marriage can become even stronger after infidelity if both parties are willing to take an honest assessment of the marriage, forgive and put the marriage back on top of the priority list.

You have nicely described what needs to happen on both sides to get the marriage back on track. Really nice thread, I'm glad you started this.


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## recent_cloud

mommy22 said:


> It's hard and some are just unable to get past it. I understand that completely. However, Best, I commend you on the work you're putting into your marriage.


i'm certain you didn't mean to imply that many end their marriage simply because it was the easier path to choose.

to compliment your thought above, those who choose not to work with a partner who has broken trust are to be commended as well for the hard work they put in extricating themselves from what they perceived as an untenable position and unsustainable relationship.

i have the highest regard for all who work hard to make their lives whole again no matter which path they choose, 

and am most saddened by those who stay, usually out of fear, when it seems best they leave, and those who leave, out of anger, when prudence dictates they stay.

:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:


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## recent_cloud

i understand your post was in support of best

and i know we agree, as demonstrated by my post and yours, victims of adultery need support no matter what path they choose.

but again, you say 

'It's a lot of pain to work through. Sometimes you just can't.'

there are those who could work through the pain, are strong enough to work through the pain, but choose to take a different path, just as painful if not more

a point of view which i fully appreciate you understand and agree with.


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## mommy2

Best,

I appreciate your thread and wish you all the best in your marriage and hope you continue your path to keep this marriage on the right path. I think you've shown great strength. I, too, have chosen to leave the past behind and move forward. 14 years and 2 sweet, adorable children are too important to just toss aside. Granted, I only found out of my H's A 3 weeks ago and the PA only lasted several weeks, it hurts just the same. WE both are committed to making our marriage stronger and will not go back to where we were. I was not innocent - I mean I NEVER cheated but I was checked out in many areas of my marriage. So much so than when I look in the proverbial mirror -WOW can't say I don't blame him at moments. 

SO, like Best I have chosen to forgive and improve. So far, it's been bliss. We're back to US, the US that's been gone for a long, long time. Can't say I don't still get upset, nauseous, etc. but instead of responding with anger & letting that consume me, I am letting it go. I had lived with too much built up resentment for too many years on other issues, not going there again. I think if both parties are truly committed to making their marriage work, you can.


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## Lostandconfused

I think as Recent Cloud has reminded us, that the response and paths that people choose or are forced to take in response to infidelity are all diffictult at best and almost impossible to survive at worst.

I think the real answer boils down to the individuals "IN" the situation. What they can live with, what they can't live without, what they want to live with, and what they want to live without. It's such a personal decision and imo, only the one walking in their shoes can make the final decision.

My wishes for everyone here is that we can find a way to get past the pain, the betrayal, the lack of trust and find our way to a place of hope, peace, love, and ultimately trust. That we can gain an understanding of what is important to us, how to maintain our relationships so they thrive and grow, and how to understand and commit to being true to our own self.

I've really enjoyed this thread, each response has been an even greater step for me into becoming more confident in "my" decision and in learning to acknowledge other's points of view surrounding what are viable options in this process.

Many thanks to you all,
Lost


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## bestblu1

I apologize ahead of time for this very long post. But I think it may help someone (I hope so).

In reading many other posts throughout this forum, I have been able to more clearly identify the keys to our success in getting back on track with our marriage.

There are so many different situations that couples have gone through that have contributed to the problems they (we) have faced in our marriages. By no means do I pretend to have all the answers nor do I consider my marriage even close to being perfect.

What I do know however, is what IS working for my wife and me. I realize that what we are doing to rebuild trust and intimacy in our marriage is not very common and it does take a great deal of effort on both of our parts.

I would like to share some of the steps we have taken and still are taking to get through this and be stronger than we have ever been in our commitment to each other.

Some people who read this will not think it is possible for them to do what we are doing. And for some it may be true because their spouse is unwilling. I need to emphasize that for us, these things are only working because we BOTH want it to work and we BOTH are willing to put in the effort.

First of all, we both sought counseling from Christian counselors. We then discuss what was said in the counseling sessions and talk about how we can apply the advice given. We would make an "event" out of the counseling sessions. I would schedule the sessions on my day off so we could be together all day. After each session we would go to a nearby Mexican restaurant and have lunch together. During lunch, we would go over the notes we had taken during the counseling session and discuss them openly with each other. Talk about our feelings concerning the things said to us by the counselor and so on. We did this for 10 weeks in a row. We looked forward to our counseling day and lunch. It became very empowering to us both.

My job requires me to work on Sundays. This prevented us from attending church together for the last 7 years. I immediately went to my boss and told him I "needed" to have Sundays off, and I told him why. He was very understanding (I asked him very nicely). We now spend all day every Sunday together. We go to church together, maybe run an errand or to or visit someone, and then go home and watch football (she likes football as much as I do, otherwise we would have chosen a different activity that we both enjoy). We look forward to Sundays and both consider it our favorite day of the week.

We radically adjusted our weekly schedules as well. Here is what we do EVERY day of the week:
We wake up at about 5 am. One of us will go downstairs and make coffee and then bring it upstairs. We take turns doing this. We then spend about 45 minutes or so reading the Bible to each other and then discuss what we read. We stick to the New Testament which is more relevant for us. This is not forced by the way, this is something we enjoy and look forward to and really does increase our faith and our strength every day. We also read from a book about relationships and marriage. There are a couple of books we have gone through so far. Our favorite is a book called "The Love Dare". It's outstanding in how it helps us understand each other. It is a 40 day devotional that we are now almost finished with for the second time. Another book we have gone through is "The 5 Love Languages". We follow this routine every single day of the week...no exceptions. And the beautiful thing is that it is not hard for us...we are thriving on it and look forward to our mornings together. It makes us both feel very secure.

At about 6am, we get dressed and go down to our garage where we have put together a small workout room. We are both into fitness and had gym memberships for 10 years and realized through all of this that because of our schedules and the fact that we could not go to the gym at the same time, it was a great opportunity for us to make a change that would give us more time together. We canceled our gym memberships so we could work out at home...together. For us, this has made us even closer. We love working out together now.

During the day while I am at work, she is a stay at home grandmother. She and I email each other several times throughout the day and say very nice, romantic things to each other. Whenever she leaves the house, she calls me and tells me where she is going and calls me when she gets home. This was her idea from the start, but I must say I like it and it makes me feel better that she does it.

In the evenings, we will sit and talk. Sometimes we just engage in small talk about our day and sometimes we talk about "us". The important thing is that we don't watch TV and we don't go to our separate place to do our own thing. We enjoy each others company.

We go to bed pretty early because of our early morning routine. Most nights we enjoy physical intimacy. We have both learned to slow down, really enjoy each other, and the biggest thing that has made the difference in our love life is "I" have begun to talk to her while we are having sex. Another important point to make is we leave the light on. Something about leaving the light on and our eyes open is really good for us. I have become very uninhibited during our love making and it has made a world of difference for us both. The new level of communication has been profoundly life changing for us in our love life. Sometimes afterward, I will give her a massage or she will give me one. We have just slowed down and learned to really enjoy pleasing each other.

This is the best part. When we turn off the lights to go to sleep, I lay on my back and she lays next to me with her head resting on my shoulder or chest. This is how we fall asleep every night. It's awesome. She has said that this is the favorite part of her entire day and it makes her feel safe, secure and protected. Contrast this to our previous routine of sleeping on the far side of the bed from each other every night (king size bed by the way), and you can see what a difference it is for us.

I know this has been a long post. I felt it was important though, because our success up to this point can be attributed to our new lifestyle more than anything else. We've been married now for 35 years and we really do love each other. We just let life get in the way for too long and now we are enjoying making up for lost time. 

I realize that not everyone who reads this will understand or even think it is possible to develop this kind of commitment to their marriage for different reasons. For some, they may not have a spouse that wants to work it out. Honestly, I could not do this if she was not truly remorseful for what she did. She could not do this if she did not believe that I have completely forgiven her. It requires mutual desire and commitment from both of us.

I hope this helps someone see what can be done. Obviously our way is not the only way for everyone, but it is the only way we know and so far it's working for us really well.


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## momtobe

I think it is both wonderful and beautiful. You both had to overcome a massive emotional barrier in order to realize how much you do love and care for each other. The courageousness and determination that you both have shown in agreement to restore and maintain that level of commitment to one another is truly inspiring. 
I do believe that God has given you both the tools and the strength that was needed for you to continue on. It is such a special thing and I do thank you for opening your heart and sharing with us. It has inspired me to look at certain aspects within my relationship in a different light. I wish you continued success and may you enjoy the new changes more than you did the old relationship before. 
I am sure that some people on here will not agree with me, but I do believe God has given you to relate your story in hopes to help others as well.


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## mommy2

Bestblu,

Thank you again for your post. I can relate to so much of what you both have done to be committed and recreate your relationship. As mentioned, it won't work for everyone but several things we too have done. We too let life happen and lost us. That's why I think it was easier for me to forgive. He didn't cheat when things were going fine, etc. and what he has told me he was feeling was a huge wake up call. Looking in the mirror, REALLY looking in the mirror I was at fault for alot too and honestly, he should have left a long time ago. BUT that was then this is now. 

The similarities are that we are nice to each other and do things for each other. No more resentment. We have just started to watch TV again. For several weeks all we did once the kids were in bed asleep was talk.

We have rekindled our physical relationship which was basically none existent and it's fantastic! I am no longer inhibited as I was. (I wasn't before but after I had my first child I think I had the mind set that "mommies" don't do that sort of thing" and I became that way.) We have had several actual date nights - we had stopped that entirely. I mean the last 2 years the kids went out with us on our anniversary! 

We, too, call, text each other several times a day. And not just chores - we text how much we miss each other, playful flirting, etc. It's exciting!

AND the biggest thing is the cuddling at night. I too fall asleep on my Hs chest. We always slept that way for 10 years of marriage. It was a joke because we had a king size bed, yet we both slept on the same pillow and only used half of that! When I was pregnant my H would complain the the baby's kicking kept him awake because I slept with my stomach on him! I could not sleep unless some part of me was touching him. But he hurt his shoulder and could no longer put his arm under me and then with the kids, life etc. We have been sleeping on the far sides of the bed. In fact, there was so much space between us, both our children could sleep in between and there was still room. So, now we cuddle every night and it's just like it always was before. We have "US" again!

Sorry for the long post but I have such hope when I read your thread. I was thinking I was being moronic for forgiving so easily and moving on with fixing our marriage. As my H told me the other night - it's always been me. He's always loved me, just wasn't feeling that it was mutual. The OW gave him the attention, the love, the affection that he desperately desired. I know in my heart that he means that because any other man would have left a long time ago. Last night he thanked me for keeping him. I didn't respond with words but in my head was thinking - no thank you for staying.........


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## bestblu1

Mommy2,

Thanks for taking the time to tell your story. It is very refreshing to me to hear that others like you and your husband are having success also. 

I know as you do, that it is not easy but in my case and it sounds like in your case as well, it is so worth it. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if we had separated after being together so long.

Thanks for sharing.


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## Sven

bestblu1 - I've waited a while to post this, but your story just makes me shake my head.

This journey is just starting for you. You're a LONG way from being anywhere near healed. I've been right where you are with my wife and I working like mad to get over it. But it's nowhere near healed. Hang in there.


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## bestblu1

Sven,

Apparently you are assuming that I no longer experience any pain from what has happened. Maybe you think that I am trying to say that I am completely over it. I hope that is not what you got out of my posts.

What I did say is that I (we) are making positive progress every week and every month. I am not sure what you have gone through but I am sure that you would not say what you said if you did not feel a tremendous amount of pain yourself. The hardest part for me, and you can probably relate to this, has been the graphic images that would flash through my mind (and still do from time to time and probably always will). 

But I made a quality decision about 6 to 8 weeks into the process, to recognize those thoughts as my enemies. Those thoughts are the only thing that can hurt me. Those thoughts have a mission and their mission is to drive a wedge between me and my wife. Thats the way I choose to look at it. By looking at them as a destructive power in my life, it makes it easier for me to let go of them.

The trust part is the easiest for me. Because of the level of communication and accountability that my wife and I have now, it is easier to trust than it was initially. Again, as I have said in previous posts, if my wife was resisting me and showed any sign of unwillingness to do what is necessary to "prove" she is serious about leaving that old lifestyle, then this would be an entirely different story.

I realize their has to be a balance between forgiving and forgetting. I will never forget. That is impossible. But I have an inner strength that helps me recognize the danger of *dwelling on thoughts of the past *that I can not change. You may not understand and thats ok. But I can tell you that the strength I have received is by faith and you can have it to.

I have allowed my wife to read this entire thread. She knows exactly how I feel and I know exactly how she feels. We talk very openly about our feelings.

I hope that you will consider that it is possible to completely recover while never being able to completely forget.

...and by the way, I appreciate the skepticism. It really makes me think things through. I feel like because of some of the more skeptical responses to my story on this thread, I have become stronger. I understand the unwillingness of some to accept that I could be doing so well. Sometimes I can't believe it myself. But when others question my wisdom, I receive it as an opportunity to stay alert and question it myself. So far it has helped.


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## Sven

Thanks for the response. I had a discussion with my wife were I admitted that my ideal of 'forgive and forget' was no long realistic. Time heals all wounds, but this one will forever leave a scar. I'm going to try and accept that instead of perfect forgetfulness and see if it helps.


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## jkb

_ have to say this is an inspirational thread for me, after 7 years of marriage i discovered my husband had been having an online affair for over 6 months, as far as i can make out in that time they could have met twice, as the distance is great between them, my husband says they never met and it was all via the internet or phone, that was a year ago and i must say that my story is very similar to yours we wanted to stay together and work through it, i also asked lots of questions which were answered honestly, there was a lot missing in our relationship which i now realise, the love and attention wasnt there on both sides, now it is like we are newly weds its fantastic, although i do have to say that we are still working on it, i have forgiven but like someone else said its the forgetting thats difficult. 
Thank you for your thread it has helped me a lot._


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## shotzi

I have read your thread. Maybe you might want to read mine~"not sure what to do". Our story has similarities. Married 32 years. We had three-somes a few times. So, it was always both of us...but I was the one that was missing "something"....still may be, but have given up on "finding" it. I blamed him for not meeting my needs, he blamed me for being unfaithful....& so the resentment & pain went on & on. Over 32 years..3 threesomes (1-3 times each approximately). For me it was more of having a need for friendship and companionship met..sex I felt was just expected. My husband said he initiated it cuz he wanted me to be happy and didn't want to loose me. So, then for years he was demeaning towards me and bitter. I tried everything..I really love him, but I felt he didn't protect me..he gave me away. I gave him my heart & all my love...we have always had great sex together...but it was never enough. He was perfect and I was flawed.

We went through several years of counseling. He would never be honest in the sessions. He outright lied, so all my feelings were tossed away. How can you get help to save your relationship when the other person won't be honest??

He became abusive. I couldn't have any friends, go anywhere, even walk out to the mailbox. He checked my phone calls...He would take my purse..hide my keys. I left then took him back. He said he got his heart right with "God". That lasted a week before he was being abusive again. Finally, the third time I took him back, I knew if I didn't take total control away from him, he could never change. I told him the one thing he couldn't have was "ME" if I chose so. It was a terrible divorce..I tried to be fair & he was evil towards me, telling everyone that he loved me, but calling me a *****.

Now, two years later, we are together..engaged. He is not abusive...loving..but still controlling. I have been "out of pocket" due to a botched foot surgery & have not been able to get around. So, I haven't tested the waters. I have to know that he won't suffocate me because he is insecure. He needs to know he can trust me... I need him to step up and be a man..not a wimp.

I married him at 17. I am a Christian. I beleive we should be together for life. I am afraid. I am not attracted to him sexually. I don't feel like I owe him anything. I want him to respect me. He doesn't initiate sex...expects me to....& I want him to be honest with me..I guess I'm wanting intimacy & maybe he doesn't understand that need.

I don't know what to do!

I'll keep you in prayer & hope all goes well with your marriage as you rebuild.


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## bestblu1

Shotzi..

Your experiences are different from mine. I am not sure what to tell you and because I am not a counselor I would rather not try. All I know is my own experience and what has helped me and my wife through that difficult time.

For us the most complete solution has been found in completely selling out to a commitment to God and his principals for both of us. I changed and am continuing to change by focusing on filling my mind and my soul with God's word and my wife has been doing the same. The wisdom of the world is mostly contrary to what the Bible says. The wisdom of God that is found in the Bible is life changing if you make a decision to embrace it completely.


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## helpmeunderstand

bestblu1, Firstly I can't thank you enough for this thoughtful, personal and open thread. Personally I am going through a difficult time with my W right now and your very insightful comments have given me a new way of looking at things. I am glad to see that you have been so successful. I think part of that success is due to the maturity and responsibility you have both put into this. I only hope our outcome can be this good.


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## MisGuided

> But I am beginning to have reservations about posting on this site any more. It seems that most of the responses are directed toward discrediting any level of success in restoring a marriage after adultery. Not everyone stays bitter and full of hate after they have been cheated on. There are those who really believe there is hope. And I'm not just talking about me. My motto is "as long as I am alive there is hope". And I will exhaust every option to keep what is valuable to me.
> 
> I was under the impression that this forum would be occupied by people who want helpful advice about what has worked for others. Apparently I was wrong about that. It seems more like (so far at least) a place to cry and moan and express one's bitterness and anger for the wrongs that have been done to them. I just don't have time for it.


I haven't yet had a chance to read all of the posts on this particular thread and I am very new to this site. I just started my account this evening because of an emotional trauma I am going through. I can promise you that not everyone on this forum is just here to cry and moan. I WANT to get over my issues, DESPERATELY! I have been feeling lost and in need of finding myself, in need of extracting myself from this deep dark wood of uncertainty. Your posts have helped me this night to feel a little more certain of where it is I'm going, and I wanted to thank you for that.


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## bestblu1

misguided,

Thank you for your post and comments. I don't know your situation but I hope it works out. Everyone has a different story and regardless of what yours is, you can make it through this difficult time in your life.

Not only can you make it through, but you can be a stronger and happier person if you approach it the right way.

I am a Christian and my faith in God has been the only thing that has made it possible. One of the first things I did when I found out what my wife had done was, I printed out this Bible verse and pinned it to the wall in my home office:

I Corinthians 10:13..."No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He will never let you be pushed past your limit; He will always be there to help you come through it." 

Bestblu1


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## bestblu1

I am building a blog that is devoted to helping people who really want help with restoring their relationship. I notice that many people who post on here seem to sincerely want to know what they can do to get over the adultery, whether they are the one who cheated or the one who was cheated on. 

I also notice that many are skeptical regarding successfully restoring the love and trust they once had with their spouse. If that is you, I encourage you to at least visit the site with an open mind.

My belief is that no matter what has happened, there is always hope if both parties are willing to do the work. Not only is there hope but I believe your marriage can be stronger than it has ever been, to the point that you can help others at some time in the future.

Surviving Infidelity In Marriage


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## SimplyAmorous

Best: 

I find your story heartfelt and true, I also believe if 2 people are committed, they can conquer ANYTHING. May you climb that mountain together again in your marraige. Married over 30 yrs - and sex 66 days straight after finding out - I find this amazing!! That is sure a good remedy to keep the flames burning. WOW. 

I think you understand that you have also contributed to WHY she went outside the marraige. (Too busy with work, not meeting emotional - sexual needs ?). I think this is REALLY important to point out -when people want to jump on your wife -when they hear your story, or you for staying even - and desiring to make up for what you neglected those "busy" years. 

I am sure you have many regrets and seeing/feeling her DEEP weakness when this all came out -also helped in your forgiveness towards her, as this makes sense, only you & her can fully understand that. 

I have never been personally touched by Infidelity but I can sympathize with anyone (on both sides of this) if they are truly suffering in marraige. People are weak, we need Love & intimacy, I think we CAN all fall depending on the circumstances, I know I am not a saint. I often try to put myself in similar shoes when I hear these stories. I think the 12 years is what many are having a hard time with. The cheating itself seems less of an issue than how long it went undetected & in hiding. Most would probably find this harder to forgive. 

For the benefit of saving marraiges where one spouse is SO preocupied with his/her life/job & simply NOT grasping the other is suffering because of it, what actions on YOUR part do you feel could have kept her from this affair (what you feel you should have been doing) and is YOUR ANSWERS the same as HER ANSWERS in what she WANTED FROM YOU at that time - why she stepped outside of the marraige?? 

Thank you for sharing .


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## bestblu1

Thanks for your comments. 

You know, you are right about my part in pushing her away. I haven't talked as much about what I did to contribute to her adultery. But it is very important to point it out.

The truth is that I was cold and unloving to my wife for many years. I could never understand why she did not want to cooperate with me in my efforts to make more money and create more financial security for us. I said many things to her, now that I reflect back, that were mean and insensitive. Over the years I made her feel less and less important to me. 

We were intimate once or maybe twice a week, but sometimes would go for several weeks without sex because I was just too busy or too tired or whatever. I would always try to justify my actions by talking about how important it was for me to focus on our financial future.

One time that stands out, (and she and I have talked about this) I was involved in a part time multi-level type business. I could net get her to support me and I was growing increasingly frustrated with her. We were laying in bed talking (arguing) about it one night and finally I sat up and said: "If you will not support me in this business, I will find someone who will!".
Oh how I wish I had never said that. Even when I said it I felt sick inside.

As we talked about that one particular conversation, I realized that it was shortly after that event that she finally gave in to the guy that was pursuing her.

That was just one thing but there were many other times when I said things to her that made her feel like I didn't care about her anymore. I take full responsibility for my part in driving her into the arms of the other man. On the other hand, I know that she is still responsible for her actions.

One thing I notice with most of the people that post on this forum who are hurt by infidelity is that they are unwilling to acknowledge that they did things to contribute to the problem. To those people I would say, think back to the early years of your marriage and courtship. You were both in love and most likely would never have considered cheating. 

Adultery is created by a long period of grinding away at your mates sense of value and being loved. People who feel special, loved and valued by their spouse usually don't have any need to go anywhere else to feel loved and important. The fact that I was able to recognize what I did to her and admit it to myself and to her, made it easier (not easy) to forgive her. When she heard me confess my inadequacy as a loving husband and then declare my willingness to put her first in my life, it also made it much easier for her to forget about the other guy.

It just seems real simple to me now. If I will give my wife what no other man can give her, she will never want another. So far that philosophy is working for both of us.

Bestblu1
Surviving Infidelity In Marriage


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## bacala787

overcoming 12 years.... wow... good on ya!


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## Banff

"i have the highest regard for all who work hard to make their lives whole again no matter which path they choose, 

and am most saddened by those who stay, usually out of fear, when it seems best they leave, and those who leave, out of anger, when prudence dictates they stay."

Grest Post

This is the best advice ive seen on this or any other site like this.


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## Banff

Best

Yours is an amazing story and I greatly appreciate you posting on here. Your outlook with respect to God is something that saved my life - literally - at D-Day +1. And although I have always been churchgoing, my convictions always had doubt. It has taken me until being nearly 40 to see the light.

Although my story is not quite the same as yours, my initial reaction was the same. And when she confessed everything to me she was also uncontrollably sobbing and shaking. I have never, in 17 years, seen my wife anything remotely close to the way she was that night. 

And I too understand my role in this mess. (Although many people live in less than the best relationships and do not cheat) 

I also was eager to forgive - and still am. 

My wife also has been doing every possible thing to make things right.

And like you the hardest thing for me has been what it has done to my sense of self-worth. It has flattened it. 

Now to the moving on part...
How do you gain trust
How do you push those negetive feelings aside
How do you accept that your life has value - self worth
How do you know your wife just didn't stay for the stability

Yours is without doubt the best post I have seen on here. I can see myself throughout...

Thanks for sharing


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## Scannerguard

While I think it's okay for you to self-analyze what you did to contribute to the adultery, I think it runs a fine line of obsessing about what you did wrong, almost self-improvement-gone-pathological.

I find most of the time adultery comes down to the one of the 7 Deadly Sins:

Anger - "revenge sex"
Lust - "there's a nice piece of #[email protected] and I want it"
Sloth - "I don't want to work on the current relationship or don't want to confront my spouse so I'll just do this. It's easier to just sleep with an ex-lover."
Gluttony - "I have all my physical and emotional needs fulfilled by my current spouse but you know what? I just gotta have more."
Greed - "The more, the better."
Envy - "I envy what that guy has. I covet it. A beautiful wife. I think I play house with her."
Pride - "I feel so low about myself because of my spouse. This will show everyone I am desirable. I am a great person."

Now, that being said, if you did contribute to "sterilizing" the marriage by withdrawing intimately, that is/was a serious problem and I am glad you recognize that and how serious it is. Hopefully your wife can figure out which one or more of the above contributed to her 12 year affair.


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## bestblu1

Banff,

Thanks for your positive comments and encouraging words.

I will attempt to answer your questions as best I can.

"How do you gain trust?" (I am assuming you mean how can you trust her again)
On the advice of a good pastor friend of mine, I told my wife that if we are to restore our marriage, I reserve the right to ask questions for as long as I need to until I know everything that I want to know.

For approximately six weeks I asked her so many hard questions that she willingly (but painfully) answered. Where did you meet with him? Where was I? Was I out of town? Did you sleep with him in our bed? Did he talk about me? Did you talk about me with him? Did you ever go to him while I was at home? What were you thinking about me? Did you love him? Do you love him? Did he tell you that he loved you?

I would remember times when I was out of town overnight on business. I would ask her if she was with him on that particular date. Did she ever go out in public with him?

I would ask her all kinds of questions but I never asked her about graphic details. I am smart enough to imagine all of that and did not want to put her or myself through the pain of those kinds of questions, but she did tell me some details that I did not ask for.

A few times, I came home from work and she would tell me: "I have more to tell you". My heart would start racing. But I would sit down and she would tell me, and she would cry and I would just sort of stare off into the distance. I never called her names. I never raised my voice to her, but she knew how I felt.

Through this process, I began to believe that I could trust her. Do I still have doubts? Of course I do. But love and forgiveness is not possible without making yourself vulnerable. At some point I realized that you just have to do your part and be willing to take the risk of giving yourself to her, knowing that you can only be happy if you give your heart to someone and have faith that they will do their part.

My wife calls me every day if she leaves the house for any reason and she calls me again when she gets home. This was her idea but I like it. If I don't answer when she calls (which is most of the time because of my work), she leaves a message.

I am constantly building myself up on the inside these days. I listen to good Bible teaching to and from work every day (Joyce Meyer is excellent by the way). 

My wife and I read the Bible together to each other every morning before I leave for work. We have done this every day since approx mid July 2009. It is not a drudgery. It is time we cherish. We take turns getting up and making coffee. One of us brings the coffee to the other in our bedroom and we have our time together.

When I am not at work, I am with my wife. She wants it that way and so do I. We love spending time together. I changed jobs so that I could have every Sunday off so we could go to church together. My income has been lower because of it but we are adjusting and we are much happier.

I could go on and on about the changes we have both made out of DESIRE to do so and not out of fear. But to answer your question how can I trust her again? I WANT to trust her as long as she proves to me that she wants to be trusted. And she is doing that. And I am glad.

This is a very long post and I want to answer your other questions and I will in the next day or two.

God Bless you and your wife and I will pray for you both.


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## bestblu1

Scannergard,

You said in your post:

"I find most of the time adultery comes down to the one of the 7 Deadly Sins:"

Just curious. What is your experience with adultery?


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## OhGeesh

It's not rocket science!! The spouse having the affair has to want to stay and make it work and the spouse that was cheated on has to find a way to forgive and forget!

Sounds simple we all know reality it definitely is not for most. Without reading everything the key is you "forgave and forgave quickly" and your wife wanted to make it work. So often that is not the case at all!!

Good luck and congrats!!


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## MEM2020

Bestblu1,
I find your story to be incredibly positive and genuine. I think the combination of your self awareness and both you and your wife truly wanting to change and improve your marriage is what makes this work. 

In one sense - and I think you know this - the fact you have been so forgiving and loving makes your wife look at you in wonder and think - what can I do for this incredible man. 




bestblu1 said:


> Scannergard,
> 
> You said in your post:
> 
> "I find most of the time adultery comes down to the one of the 7 Deadly Sins:"
> 
> Just curious. What is your experience with adultery?


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor

Wow, not many people are able to forgive so easily. I'm really glad that you're doing all you can to rebuild your marriage and I wish you all the very best.


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## bestblu1

Banff,

I don't know if you are still around this forum or not, but I took a little sabbatical from forums for a while, but will now attempt to answer another of your questions: "How do you push the negative feelings aside?"

The answer to this question depends on where you are with who you are. For me, one of the first things I had to do was come to terms with "where does my self worth come from?". I had to realize that first of all, I could not spend the rest of my life trying to get what I needed from someone who could never give it to me. 

This can be a lifelong struggle. By that I mean, my wife, as much as I love her and want her to only love me, I am at some point going to be disappointed and hurt. This is true in any relationship that I have with people. 

I had to turn my mind and my heart toward God and how he values me and would never let me down. It may sound like a cliche to some. But the reality is, that as I have decided to learn more about how important I am to God, I am a stronger man. 

This experience I have gone through with my wife's infidelity has forced me to work at becoming stronger on the inside and build "real" self worth as a person. I don't just do that by trying to think positive thoughts. I do that by reading what the Bible says God thinks about me and how much he values me. 

There is no person on the face of the earth that can do that for me. They will either betray me, hurt me, leave me or some day possibly die, and then what do I have. If my sense of value and self worth comes from that person, I am extremely unstable.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't want to feel loved by my wife and special to her. I am saying that I will always be vulnerable when I give my heart to another person, but if I know who I am to God, I will still make it and I can still be happy. 

As far as the negative thoughts go, I have learned that I can not resist them. I have to replace them. I try to keep my mind busy by focusing on my future. I have interests and goals in my life that I think about and I work toward. I have to "on purpose" do my very best to look forward and not backward. 

I have to make sure that my life is right and work on improving my areas of weakness. If I just think about how much I have been hurt (and I have been hurt more than you know, there is much to my story that I left out), it becomes nothing more than a horrible downward spiral emotionally.

If you are a Christian, than you know that you have an enemy. That enemy only has one way that he can hurt you. He attacks your mind. Sure people in your life can become a tool that is used against you, but you can't control people. You can't control how they feel about you or how they treat you. But you can control the thoughts you choose to dwell on. 

I was driving in my car one day about 3 or 4 weeks after the revelation of my wife's affair and I was giving in to the negative thoughts and feeling really depressed. 

Then the thought came to me that the thoughts and the pictures they were creating in my mind were my enemies. Those thoughts have a mission in my life. Their mission is to destroy me. This was one of those "eye opening" defining moments for me. I can still remember the intersection I was stopped at when I realized this. 

From that day till this, anytime those thoughts come to me of what happened, I recognize the thoughts as an enemy that wants to destroy me. They don't go away immediately but they have way less lingering affect and I am able to move on within a matter of minutes.

I don't resist the negative thoughts as much as I "replace" them with better thoughts. Thoughts like how much I am looking forward to reaching some of the goals I have made for myself and my wife. I think about how much I look forward to watching my grandchildren grow up and being an influential force in their lives. 

Something else that I did (we did) is changed some of the routines in our life that are reminders of the old life of unhappiness and pain. 

I even changed jobs eventually because the schedule I had to keep interfered with the time that we needed to be together and rebuild our marriage. We are selling our house and moving to another area because of the bad memories that are triggered by certain areas and people that are nearby.

I guess, to sum it up, negative thoughts will never just go away. You will have to work to replace them and remove the things in your life that may trigger them. You will have to train your mind to focus on the future and your goals. If you don't have any goals than you need to get some. 

There is no secret memory or psychological process for getting rid of thoughts that hurt. You have to work at it. My way may not be the way that works for you, but you have to figure out a way to get your mind off of the self pity and the hurt and move on.

A side note to this is, if your wife has expressed a desire to change and you sense that she is truly sorry for what she did, it will be much harder for her to forgive herself and move on if she senses that you are not able to forgive her and move on. 

You have what it takes to get over this. Even if your wife does not change, you have to. I can say all of these things to you with conviction because I know how you feel. 

I am not some psychologist or therapist that is presenting you with some sort of pop psychology that sounds good. I am living this and I have been hurt to the core. No one reading this can accuse me of being insensitive or unreasonable because I am walking in your shoes.

Some might say things like, "I am not going to put out all that effort to forget and forgive and move on. I'm not the one who cheated!"

Ok. You have a right to feel that way. But how badly do you want to be happy again? This is no longer about what your wife did or needs to do. This is about what you need to do to feel good about who you are and where you want to be in life.

I feel like I am rambling now so I will end this post.


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## morningdew

Great post and I am happy to read your successful story!

Here's a question tho' in my case. I had admitted my share on creating the environment which leads my H to his infidelities (yes he cheated on me more than once). He didn't show any remorse or apologize wholeheartedly at all. He kept dangling my mistakes in the past as a way to justify his affairs, I was bending over backwards to try to save my marriage but he keeps denying having any affairs (while I have tons of proofs). I'm exhausted and has been seriously thinking that this is useless in the last few days. 

Any words on my case would be highly appreciated. Thank you!


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## bestblu1

Morning Dew,
I can only tell you how I responded to my wife and how I would have responded had she not been willing to repent and display true remorse for what she had done.

I had very solid proof that she had been in this relationship when I confronted her. If she had never been willing to admit it and express her desire to change, I would not have been able to stay with her. I think too much of myself to willingly be a doormat to someone who would not show enough respect to me to accept my forgiveness and make at least some kind of effort to make things right. 

That's just me. I'm not saying that you should think like me or do what I would do because you know your situation better than anyone.

Bestblu1


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## morningdew

Bestblue, thanks for your reply. 
I believe I am on the right path then because like our counselor said until he transparently put an end to his affairs (which he still haven't done) then there's no way for us to even try to work on this marriage. 

I'll be going to our apartment (I moved out) to pick up the rest of my stuffs tomorrow evening. Thanks again, your story is really inspiring even when my own marriage can't be saved you are giving others hopes and faith in their darkest times.


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## Anna11

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


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## whynotme

Hi BestBlu,

I just wanted to thank you, as others have said, your faith is truly amazing. You have forgiven the way God forgives. I think it can be SO hard to actually forgive people when they hurt us that people mistakenly think it can't be done. Well, I knew it can (but have had very few examples, NONE in my own family - that's another story) so thank you for sharing and helping to restore my faith in people, period.

I wasn't cheated on, but my stbx moved another girl into our home 3 weeks after I left him, so if I had stayed longer I might have gotten cheated on. My stbx and I both claimed Christ when we met, but slept together before we were married and basically treated each other horribly while we were married. I felt terrible about it but he never showed remorse. Now he's engaged to another woman and, "doing things right this time". Yeeeeahhh....so where does that leave me? But I digress.

Anyway, I related to your wife. A lot of folks maybe do not understand how you can forgive her, but I understand what it is like to be a Christian and to do something you know is wrong and feel awful about it. No it doesn't take away from the pain she caused you, but you are such a great person to give her another chance and to see her real remorse and sadness. It IS possible to have real remorse, trust me when I committed sexual immorality I was cheating on God, and it hurt me to my core that I did it. I'm so glad you have accepted your wife's "sorry" even though it has hurt you so much. I know she appreciates it and is grateful for your mercy on her. That's one of the things that make you special. There is so little true forgiveness in the world because everybody is just trying not to get hurt. You are right when you say only God can help you when it's something like this.

I also want to say thank you for sharing publicly. I posted my story about what I did on a Christian website and got flamed on my second post. I had to take my post off. I was hoping for a little sympathy and support, but all I got was, "well you slept with someone and you were unmarried, you are accountable". Duh I already knew that, if I didn't feel bad about it I wouldn't be online looking for support now would I? I'd be out sleeping with someone else.

As it was, I had been celibate for four years before I met him, from the time I'd gotten baptized...so I also related to what you said about your wife falling for someone who knew exactly what to say. I don't think my stbx is a terrible person, we both made mistakes, but he was like that for me. I had my committment to God and the church but he knew everything I wanted to hear. And then after we got married nothing was the way he thought it would be, and we were both unhappy.

Well this is super-long, sorry. But you being open gave me a chance to get some things off my chest, since I am still trying to heal from my errors of the past. Keep your head up and know your love for your wife is like a spring rain, nuturing her and helping her to live instead of die of sorrow. And from the sound of things, you are growing more and more into His image, which is what He intends for you...all of us who believe. Kudos to you and God bless you both. Thank you again for your openness, you DO make a difference!


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## cb45

unbelievable!

i knew the rich do these things for 12yrs, but didnt think
the rest of us normal folk could/would for so long.

am sorry u were flamed as u say, on other supposedly
christian site. christians get a bad name tks to alot of
hocus-pocus, $$$$-gimmme-gimmme telethons, and
jimmie swaggart/james baker kinda fiascos-hypocracies.
these folks set us back too many x, and too many yrs.

thats not to say, that like all folk of the world, christians
arent gonna stand for some things, politically correct or
not. which christ haters will take the opportunity to 
jump on and paint us all w/ the same brush. 

as u well know, not all christians r the same. 
some can be too harsh, and some too wishy-washy.

God alone will judge. the rest of us have opinions.

:angel3:------------------------------------------cb45


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## crazy4you

For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.Learn to create silence in your mind and peace will flourish in your soul. You will see life with other eyes. You will discover God's language. To be internally silent do not think too much. Trust yourself. Trust others. Trust life. You will find it is easier than it seems.:smthumbup:"adultxdating.com"


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## Sadman

I love my wife enough to give her a 2nd chance, never thought I`d be doing this but willing to work at it.


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## bestblu1

I have had a few people from the forum inquire about my current condition since I haven't posted much recently.

I really feel that I have benefited a bit from this forum but for the most part I find a sense of underlying hopelessness from most of the participants that can be a tad discouraging. Because I want to do everything I can to strengthen my mental state and my relationship with my wife, I have spent more of my time blogging and trying to focus on what has worked for us and remain hopeful.

But for those who may be thinking I have not been around because things have taken a turn for the worse, you could not be more wrong. My wife and I continue to do the things that work for us and we are getting closer as time goes on.

I only hope that at least a small percentage of the people who have read our story have been encouraged and maybe even found the strength to rebuild their own relationships.

Thanks for your concern,
bestblu1
Surviving Infidelity In Marriage


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## jessi

hi there bestblue, 
thanks for the post. I'm so glad that you listened to your instincts in the beginning and could see both sides of the coin.....
It's not right that your wife had an affair and it was an unbelievable long time frame. You must be a fair man to have come to the conclusion that you and your wife were at fault in the marriage breakdown.....so the forgiveness you are giving her is for her lack of being strong enough to stay committed to your marriage by forsaking all others.....
For all of us BS we know that this is not an easy decision for you or any of us.......I think you accepted your part and in the end losing your wife was not an option....she was still with you, there must have been something there for her as well or she would have been gone long ago.......I think by the sound of things the two of you were just lost from each other but the love was there that kept you together, you both must have know that deep down....
I think that a decision like this changes everything you think and feel for the better......she sounds like she truly regrets her actions and there will be some set backs, your self esteem and trust issues and re-building a new belief system in each other but what marriage doesn't have challenges....
I read your story and it's a lot like mine, my husband had the affair, when I found out we went through all the conversations you and your wife have had, taken the responsibility of both our actions in the marriage 22 years married. 26 years together....
I think deep down the love was very strong, we just got lost for a couple of years, troubled teenager, I was sick with an illness and I think he just reached out in mistake to someone who showed an interest, he has cried more than I have with all this, I truly believe that he is remorseful and I know he feels embarrassed and ashamed by his actions, he is a good catholic boy.....
I was devastated and very hurt and like you feel some self esteem issues of not being important enough or good enough.
But I am a fixer by nature and a very forgiving person and have dealth with death in my family many times so I know what it means to not have the ones you love in your life.....I loved him and I was willing to work things out so we both could have the love we always dreamed of and that is what we are working towards........I still have days where I cry when I think about what has happened to us.....but I'm having great days now with my husband that we haven't shared in a few years......
I think a lot of folks wouldn't be able to forgive and work things out but I went with my gut feeling in the beginning and it told me not to give up on the man that I loved even though it seemed at the time that he had given up on us........as long as one person is strong enough to hold the marriage together when the other one is weak.........I kept the faith in my marriage and in my husband, the one that was in the affair wasn't the man I married, the one I have now is the one I married.......it took a lot of tears and hurtful moments and there were many times I felt like just walking away........and it would have been easier to just run and hide but I would not have been happy


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## willzy

Hi bestlbu,

Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this. I have found it truly inspirational and I think the way you have both dealt with this is a real practical example of how to make your lives great again. So much of what you said struck an instant chord with me and it is so so fantastic to hear a real success story and to get specific advice on how to build a life together again.

One specific question:

- The bit I am a little 'stuck' on at the moment is the feeling I have that certain things / emotions that I thought were just for me have been shared with someone else. I am worried that I will find it hard to be 100% with her emotionally. Not rly about sex, just little small moments will feel less special. - Any advice on how to approach that?

Anyway, pls keep posting anythig you think is helpful, your story is inspirational to many I'm sure and personally it gives me so much hope for the future.

Best wishes for your continued hapiness


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## bestblu1

Willzy

Thanks for your post and your kind comments.
Your question: - _The bit I am a little 'stuck' on at the moment is the feeling I have that certain things / emotions that I thought were just for me have been shared with someone else. I am worried that I will find it hard to be 100% with her emotionally. Not rly about sex, just little small moments will feel less special. - Any advice on how to approach that?_

I struggled with the same feelings initially. But here is what I realized after a while. The relationship that my wife had with this other man was nothing like the relationship that she once had with me and now has with me again. 

Remember this: when two people become sexually involved in an adulterous relationship, there is no room in their hearts for true intimate love. Adultery is a result of selfish, lustful desires that are designed only to please one's self. She may have thought that it was love but love always puts the other person first. 

The emotions that you feel were reserved only for you, still are reserved only for you. My feeling is that the emotions your wife had for the other guy were much different. They were tainted with guilt and self loathing because she knew what she was doing was wrong. With you, if you can convince her that you still love her and have forgiven her, she can have an intimate relationship with you that the other guy could never give her. She can feel clean and pure again and feel loved for the right reasons. 

When my wife got into the adulterous relationship, she was looking for something that she could never get. But since I was not giving her the sense of being loved that she needed, she was willing to take whatever she could get to fill the void...even if it was a weak substitute.

She was so full of guilt and self hatred for what she had been doing that she thought it would be impossible for me to forgive her. Once I did forgive her, and let her know that I truly did still love her, everything changed and she could never feel that loved by the other guy.

The other man your wife was with did not love her. He was using her and she was using him. That is what adultery is all about. Deep down, you have to believe that your moments with her are much more intimate than his were. They are much more personal than his were. You have shown her true love, sincere love, selfless, unconditional love, by taking her back and forgiving her. She will feel that love if you are sincere and she will know that what she had with the other guy was a very cheap substitute for the real thing.

I feel like I am rambling here and not able to make my point as clearly as I would like. I hope you can interpret what I am trying to say.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

If only they were all sorry when they get found out. And all willing to be transparent. I'm happy for you, and I hope things continue to improve. From what I have read, though, your case is rather unique.


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## bestblu1

You're so right. Every case is unique to the couple involved. But I also believe when both parties want to restore the relationship, every case can be a success. Sometimes one party (or both) will not have a strong enough desire to stay in the relationship. I don't think that the severity of the situation is the determining factor to rebuilding the relationship as much as the determination of both people involved. In our case, we both wanted to stay together and make it work. I don't think that is as unique of a situation as some may think. I am finding out that there are many stories as successful as mine. They just haven't posted in as much detail. Whatever your situation is, I wish you the best of luck.


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## willzy

Thx bestblu,

Yes that is a very valid point and something my wife had alluded to. She does realise what she had wasn't 'real' as the OM only saw those things about her she wanted him to see. But I can see what a wrench it has been for her to come to the decision to work at our marriage. And she is still uncertain about it. She says this is her questioning whether we can be happy and recover what we once had. So I guess I should be able to dismiss her relationship / feelings with OM and not feel that our future is tainted by it. But I'm finding it hard...

When something like this happens it tests you as a person. It tests your ability to stay positive, to not dwell, to continue to be optimistic and see the best in your spouse. That is what I am struggling with at the moment, but I know I need to get over it otherwise we won't have a future.


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## bestblu1

You can recover what you once had...if you both decide you want to.

Also, you said: _"So I guess I should be able to dismiss her relationship / feelings with OM and not feel that our future is tainted by it. But I'm finding it hard..."_

You can't just dismiss it. You can grow out of it through both of you validating your deep sincere love for each other every single day with words that you speak to each other. I found it hard too...very, very hard. I could not have done it if my wife had responded the way that you describe your wife's response. 

Everyone's situation is different. But if the two of you are not able to communicate a strong desire to rebuild your relationship it will be even more difficult. Have you forgiven her? I know you probably can't trust her yet. But she needs to know beyond a doubt how much you love her. That is your part. She needs to know that you don't want anyone else in the world but her.

My wife made it easier (not easy) for me to stay with her by her remorse and I made it easier for her to show remorse by offering complete love and forgiveness to her.

It might do you good to read my entire thread again. There are a lot of keys to our success in those posts. We empowered each other and worked at it every single day...and we still do. It is so worth it.

One of the biggest keys to my inner strength is that I turned to God in a greater way than I ever have. I had to get my sense of self worth back. I got it from reading and meditating on how the Bible says that He feels about me. Go to Biblegateway.com and look up Psalms 37:1-7 and read the Message Bible translation.


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## january80

Bestblu, I am going thru the same thing and our recovery stories are very similar. I was never a real religious man and never read the bible but I have read and prayed so much and really developed my intimate relationship with god thru this. This is the most important part of the recovery weather or not the relationship works out you have to develop that relationship to find happiness in your life. My wife and myself both looked outside of our marriage because we were unhappy. We felt we could find happiness in other people and worldly things. We discovered that we had to find that happiness from God. This took place 3 months ago and we are on a journey. We know its going to be some ups and downs but we live by faith that God is working within us to heal us. I look forward to hearing from you and reading your blog and taking this journey with you friend.


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## Liam_680

My boyfriend had sort of cheated on me before.. He didnt really had an affair but he openly flirted with my best friend and he wasnt even sorry for doing it.. After explaining how it made me feel, he did say that he wouldnt do it again and showed me significant efforts and changes to make things better but whenever I remember what he did, it hurts and I feel like I cant trust him anymore.. how do you trust him again and why should he deserve it?


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## marksaysay

I just read through most of this story and it is absolutely beautiful. I'm hoping that I, too, can have a great ending such as theirs. The thing that's missing right now is my wife's remorse. She has fell victim to the lies and deceptions of the devil and is far from God right now. Only he can reel her back in. All I can do is pray. God bless. This was an awesome story.


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## Darth Vader

I can understand the reason people question your ability of forgiving your wife after 12 years of forcing you to live a lie. It is amazing to say the least, and very very rare to see a marriage saved after this!

Does your wife know of those images? Does she realize that she helped to put those thoughts there by being an ally to satan?

Does she realize that one or more of your children may have seen or heard something from her and her OM(this could have been while out and about, or at your home)? Do your children know what's happened and/or did they see/hear something? I ask this, because not only did she cheat on you, but she also cheated on your children as well.


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## Mjones

I have been reading through this post and am so glad to see that people can come out of an affair on the other side with their marriage still intact. My husband and I are going through the same thing right now and are working through it. I am just curious how you are doing now. Do you still struggle with thoughts about the affair? It has been 4 months since finding out about my husbands affair and we have good days and bad. I still really struggle with my thoughts and wonder how long this will last.


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## bestblu1

Mjones:

We are doing very well in our marriage. We continue to do the things that we know keep us close together emotionally. We spend most all of our free time together, we have coffee together in bed every morning while we read our Bibles out loud to each other, and we talk a lot. 

The thoughts still come occasionally but with less impact and with shorter duration. I don't think that part will ever completely go away. I have learned how to deal with the thoughts. I keep myself focused on our future. I keep thinking about how different we both are now. When I think of what she did, I replace those thoughts with the realization of who we are now. I have come to believe that I don't live with the same woman I lived with then. She doesn't live with the same man that I was then. We have truly changed for the better. 

Some people may think that a year and a half is not enough time to get past the affair. I believe that it doesn't matter if it's a month or ten years. Every day can bring a reminder and a mental challenge to overcome. I think it is unrealistic to believe that the thoughts will ever go away. Instead when the thoughts do come, I use them as a reminder of what she and I almost lost and how much different we are now.

I am getting better at seeing the thoughts as the story of two people who screwed up and didn't appreciate what they had until they almost lost it all. We used to bicker and get mad at each other for stupid little things. We didn't communicate at all like we do now. When the thoughts do come I combat them with thoughts of how inconsiderate I had been to her. I can literally bring to mind some of the hurtful things that I had said to her in the past and then realized that I had a part to play too. It wasn't just her. 

I realize that what she did was terribly wrong and she made the decision to do it on her own. But I am now very aware of what I did to her to drive her to the affair with the other man. I am not giving her an excuse for what she did. I am just accepting responsibility for the role I played. Knowing all of this and realizing how unfulfilled she was because of my negligence in our marriage, makes it easier for me to deal with the thoughts.

I don't know if that makes sense to you or not, or whether I am saying it the way that I feel it.


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## Dowjones

bestblu1 said:


> Mjones:
> 
> We are doing very well in our marriage. We continue to do the things that we know keep us close together emotionally. We spend most all of our free time together, we have coffee together in bed every morning while we read our Bibles out loud to each other, and we talk a lot.
> 
> The thoughts still come occasionally but with less impact and with shorter duration. I don't think that part will ever completely go away. I have learned how to deal with the thoughts. I keep myself focused on our future. I keep thinking about how different we both are now. When I think of what she did, I replace those thoughts with the realization of who we are now. I have come to believe that I don't live with the same woman I lived with then. She doesn't live with the same man that I was then. We have truly changed for the better.
> 
> Some people may think that a year and a half is not enough time to get past the affair. I believe that it doesn't matter if it's a month or ten years. Every day can bring a reminder and a mental challenge to overcome. I think it is unrealistic to believe that the thoughts will ever go away. Instead when the thoughts do come, I use them as a reminder of what she and I almost lost and how much different we are now.
> 
> I am getting better at seeing the thoughts as the story of two people who screwed up and didn't appreciate what they had until they almost lost it all. We used to bicker and get mad at each other for stupid little things. We didn't communicate at all like we do now. When the thoughts do come I combat them with thoughts of how inconsiderate I had been to her. I can literally bring to mind some of the hurtful things that I had said to her in the past and then realized that I had a part to play too. It wasn't just her.
> 
> I realize that what she did was terribly wrong and she made the decision to do it on her own. But I am now very aware of what I did to her to drive her to the affair with the other man. I am not giving her an excuse for what she did. I am just accepting responsibility for the role I played. Knowing all of this and realizing how unfulfilled she was because of my negligence in our marriage, makes it easier for me to deal with the thoughts.
> 
> I don't know if that makes sense to you or not, or whether I am saying it the way that I feel it.


Dude, my wife had a one month EA with one sex act (incomplete) and I was near as dammit to kicking her to the curb. Your wife lied to you every day for 12 years, cheated on you everyday for 12 years, and betrayed your trust for 12 years, and effed another guy for 12 years!! NOTHING you could have done deserves that. So she cries and begs and you forgive and everything is hunky dory. All I can say is , be very careful, this could happen again. If you don't think so, remember...you didn't think it could happen the first time.


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## amigo1

I think your story is beautiful and is an inspiration. thanks for sharing you ray of light in this dark world.


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## bestblu1

Dowjones said:


> Dude, my wife had a one month EA with one sex act (incomplete) and I was near as dammit to kicking her to the curb. Your wife lied to you every day for 12 years, cheated on you everyday for 12 years, and betrayed your trust for 12 years, and effed another guy for 12 years!! NOTHING you could have done deserves that. So she cries and begs and you forgive and everything is hunky dory. All I can say is , be very careful, this could happen again. If you don't think so, remember...you didn't think it could happen the first time.


Dowjones,

Your analysis is a fair one. Everything you said are things I have considered and still do at times. I have come to the conclusion however that, based on the way we live with each other now, and how much I love her, I am willing to stick it out and believe for the best. Until she gives me a reason to doubt her sincerity, I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

I don't expect you to understand. I am not sure I would understand if I were you and you were me. All I can say is that for me, what we have now is working. We are closer than we have ever been. It's like we were living together as strangers for all those years and we finally know each other. We know each others weaknesses and sins. We know what we expect from each other and we both do our best to move forward. 

If what we have now is real (and I believe it is), I couldn't bear to think of what it would be like to have not given her a chance and later find out that she was truly changed after I had given up on her.


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## Dowjones

You seem to be in denial about her, BestBlu. That's all I'm saying. 12 years of deceit is, too much for either of you to overcome, and she hasn't really had enough time to show any sort of trustworthiness.


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## MsLonely

Hi bestblu1,

I'd say you're doing a very great job, forgiving your wife, giving your wife the chance & working on marriage together.

12 year cheating was long, but it's all past. Let bygones be bygones. Most important is now & future. 

It's like a bad long dream of yesterday. She was lost & found.

Finally, she's found her way back, sailing back to her safest harbour where a bright light guiding her way. The bright light is your true love & your forgiveness. You gave her hope & courage. You made her understand her real happiness is you, not someone else.

I would say this is true marriage. A true marriage won't be knocked down. 

Life is short, you guys already wasted many years not understanding, loving & cherishing each other. You don't want to spend more years doubting & suspecting that she might cheat again. 

When you trust her, she knows what to do. You have faith in her & she has faith in you.

I wish you keep sharing your experiences for young couples.


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## dadda11o

Change is hard, even when you want it. You take two people who are full of emotions and memories-even when they are both trying, it is hard. The best illustration I know of is this, as many people can relate to it. Move your kitchen trash to another spot in the room. Next time you go to throw something away, watch yourself walk toward the place the can used to be. Now place your spouse in the room, watching you walk toward the old habit. By the time you remember, "Right, I moved it!" the chance is pretty good that they're coming down on your case. Maybe they want to trust you, but they're insecure too. 

By the way, I wish my husband would come to good sense. He's been having an affair for a while. A nurse he met while he was being treated (outpatient) with IV antibiotics. I don't even know how long he's been lying, but he's not only divorcing me, he's being very hurtful about it. We have two teenage daughters who are learning a lot about the wrong way to behave when you do something wrong.

I had been praying that he would at least try; the nurse has a husband and little boy. I can see no logical reason that anyone could think that they are going to find "happiness" after they destroy two families and years of hard work. But for now, they're getting away with everything and have the "support" of the people they hang out with, so on it goes. 

It made me cry when I read this. More and more, we live in a society where nothing and nobody is TRULY valued (except on the small-scale, for the most part). I know that staying together would be much harder than being divorced. But I know there is also such a thing as right and wrong; I'm sad that my husband is making the choices he is.


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## bestblu1

Dowjones said:


> You seem to be in denial about her, BestBlu. That's all I'm saying. 12 years of deceit is, too much for either of you to overcome, and she hasn't really had enough time to show any sort of trustworthiness.


Dowjones,

Your comments are interesting to me. First of all, you think I am in denial about her. No, I _was_ in denial. For 12 years I suspected but refused to believe that anything was going on. For 12 years I blindly trusted that she was telling me the truth. 

Now, I watch everything she does. I check her email regularly. I check her phone records. I ask her periodically about her activities. I scrutinize how she talks, the expressions on her face, her ability to look me in the eye when I ask her hard questions. It isn't easy to communicate in a forum every detail of our current situation. 

I played the fool for 12 years and I will never allow myself to be deceived again. But, having said that, there is only so much you can do before you have to just say, "ok, I am willing to trust you as long as you remain accountable to my expectations".

I can't put a time limit (you said: "...she hasn't really had enough time to show any kind of trustworthiness") on how long I wait until I decide she is trustworthy. For this to work I have to expect trustworthiness immediately. That is the only way it can work, for me at least.

After almost 2 years of working on rebuilding trust, I have not seen or heard one thing from her that would cause me to suspect anything is going on. And believe me I am looking for it. But there comes a point where, if you want to stay together, after making sure that you have an accountability "plan" in place, that I had to tell myself: "ok...I am willing to take the risk". After all, isn't that what unconditional love is? There is an element of faith. Faith in God and faith in your spouse. Will she ever be unfaithful to me again? It's possible...of course. But as long as she gives me no reason to suspect her, I am willing to risk it.

So, am I in denial as you say? No. I am more acutely aware of the fragile nature of a relationship than I have ever been.
http://www.survivinginfidelityinmarriage.com


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## vadu2006

bestblu1 said:


> Dowjones,
> 
> Your comments are interesting to me. First of all, you think I am in denial about her. No, I _was_ in denial. For 12 years I suspected but refused to believe that anything was going on. For 12 years I blindly trusted that she was telling me the truth.
> 
> Now, I watch everything she does. I check her email regularly. I check her phone records. I ask her periodically about her activities. I scrutinize how she talks, the expressions on her face, her ability to look me in the eye when I ask her hard questions. It isn't easy to communicate in a forum every detail of our current situation.
> 
> I played the fool for 12 years and I will never allow myself to be deceived again. But, having said that, there is only so much you can do before you have to just say, "ok, I am willing to trust you as long as you remain accountable to my expectations".
> 
> I can't put a time limit (you said: "...she hasn't really had enough time to show any kind of trustworthiness") on how long I wait until I decide she is trustworthy. For this to work I have to expect trustworthiness immediately. That is the only way it can work, for me at least.
> 
> After almost 2 years of working on rebuilding trust, I have not seen or heard one thing from her that would cause me to suspect anything is going on. And believe me I am looking for it. But there comes a point where, if you want to stay together, after making sure that you have an accountability "plan" in place, that I had to tell myself: "ok...I am willing to take the risk". After all, isn't that what unconditional love is? There is an element of faith. Faith in God and faith in your spouse. Will she ever be unfaithful to me again? It's possible...of course. But as long as she gives me no reason to suspect her, I am willing to risk it.
> 
> So, am I in denial as you say? No. I am more acutely aware of the fragile nature of a relationship than I have ever been.
> http://www.survivinginfidelityinmarriage.com


I think you have a noble mind as you are able to forgive, a quality that most people, especially men have lost these days.

What interests me most is how you swallow your pride. I understand that forgiving her and fixing the relationship was the best thing to do. However is faith in god enough to fight all the negative thoughts? Seriously, I would have seeked revenge, ways to emotionally hurt her. I am a very peaceful person however my ego would have forced me to punish her.


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## Rightpath

A few have posted about the connection to God and marriage,
I just wanted to vote in- God also changed our marriage. 

I feel we are survivors. (my husband had two affairs - one early in our marriage, and one a year and a half ago. We will be married 30 years this summer). 
The real answer is we put God first in our marriage. It's not about the kids, the house, the job.. it's about us. Then everything else.

Would I want to go through it all again? Never the pain. But if we could just take what we've learned? In a heartbeat. 

We talk, we listen, we share. We are not perfect. Trust issues will always be apart of us. At least now we feel we are really trying to achieve a better marriage. Not just going through the motions. 

Isn't that what life/s about? Change for the better? Congrats to those who have a forgiving heart and God's strength to move forward.


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## the guy

Best,
I have you beat by one year ha ha
The 13 years of my wifes cheating is way to long to go into, but I just wanted to reply b/c I can't believe I just found your thread after so long since it started and that I'm not the only guy with the cheating W for 12 or 13 years.

Freaking amazing!

And by the way Its been a years since I decided to change things in my marraige by confronting her and we are doing good.


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## the guy

bestblu1 said:


> misguided,
> 
> Thank you for your post and comments. I don't know your situation but I hope it works out. Everyone has a different story and regardless of what yours is, you can make it through this difficult time in your life.
> 
> Not only can you make it through, but you can be a stronger and happier person if you approach it the right way.
> 
> I am a Christian and my faith in God has been the only thing that has made it possible. One of the first things I did when I found out what my wife had done was, I printed out this Bible verse and pinned it to the wall in my home office:
> 
> 
> 
> I Corinthians 10:13..."No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He will never let you be pushed past your limit; He will always be there to help you come through it."
> 
> 
> 
> Bestblu1
Click to expand...



I just found a card with that scripture on it, in my wifes purse, I believe thats a good sign. Enless her boytoy gave it to her, just kidding.


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## LonelyNLost

I'm glad I decided to read this post. I'm really struggling with the negative feelings. They are ruining our path to being happy again. I feel like I get to an okay place and then plummet. And he doesn't understand because he's never been in this situation. We're almost 4 years past the day I found out, but the hurt is as fresh as yesterday.


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## SimplyAmorous

the guy said:


> I just wanted to reply b/c I can't believe I just found your thread after so long since it started and that I'm not the only guy with the cheating W for 12 or 13 years.
> 
> Freaking amazing!


I often refer to this particular stroy (never could forget it) & got it rolling again by putting a link in another thread, because it IS so freakin' AMAZING!! 

I have referred to BestBlu's story a # of times on TAM when trying to give some insigth into 2 things ... True forgiveness from the heart to another who has wronged them (it is very possible) & worthy if "Love" is still there. His wife showed this, he felt it. 

And the very HUMBLE & unselfish Ability of the one cheated on to fully reckognize & understand his or her hand in WHY their spouse fell. I was so intreged by this story, the ONLY way it made ANY SENSE TO ME at all was if BestBlue could acknowleged these things, which he did as I asked about it earlier in this thread. Not that these are excuses by any means, but his wife was deeply hurting too, and he was able to see this & step into her world, it was not all about Righteous Revenge. 

I appaud him for that. Most could not do what he did, that just shows what an exemplary human being he is and husband. His wife is very blessed.


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## bestblu1

vadu2006 said:


> I think you have a noble mind as you are able to forgive, a quality that most people, especially men have lost these days.
> 
> What interests me most is how you swallow your pride. I understand that forgiving her and fixing the relationship was the best thing to do. However is faith in god enough to fight all the negative thoughts? Seriously, I would have seeked revenge, ways to emotionally hurt her. I am a very peaceful person however my ego would have forced me to punish her.


Swallowing my pride was not easy. As far as seeking revenge, there were days when the anger was so strong, I could feel my heart racing. I would imagine things I wanted to do to him and even planned them out at times.

I think what saved me from doing anything stupid was maybe my age and experience. I have lived long enough to understand that actions bring consequences. When I would picture myself going over to his house to "hurt" him, I would play out the rest of the scenario. I could see the police coming to pick me up. I could picture the hurt that my children would experience because their dad was in jail or in the hospital. 

As strong as the emotions were at times, I would always give in to the logical side of my mind. It's the hardest thing to go through because I felt like if I just did something to physically hurt him, I thought I would feel like I was in control. 

On the flip side, I never had any desire to hurt my wife, not in a physical way at least. But there were times when I felt like having an affair myself, or just a one night stand, would give me a little more control also. There were times when I really, really, really wanted to do both. But I never did.

Between the feelings of revenge toward the other guy, and having a fling of my own, the hardest one to control was the desire for revenge. I have never in my life wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I did at that time. I even called him up a couple of times and threatened him. It was a stupid thing to do but I felt better at the time. Some people would say (and have said) that it wasn't fair for me to blame him. I don't care what they think. If you knew the whole story, you would feel the same way about that guy. I'm writing our story and maybe some day I will make it available. I go into a lot more details about how he used her and used me to get to her.

I'm rambling now. But the point that I want to make is that I am human. People on this forum have mostly read about our success. Believe me when I tell you that there was a lot of pain and times when I wondered if I would go crazy with hate and pain...seriously.

When I was feeling vengeful thoughts at times, when they were almost overpowering, I would call my pastor friend and tell him what I was thinking of doing and he would help me calm down. He would help me think more long term and things like that. It's good to have someone to talk to.


----------



## bestblu1

the guy said:


> Best,
> I have you beat by one year ha ha
> The 13 years of my wifes cheating is way to long to go into, but I just wanted to reply b/c I can't believe I just found your thread after so long since it started and that I'm not the only guy with the cheating W for 12 or 13 years.
> 
> Freaking amazing!
> 
> And by the way Its been a years since I decided to change things in my marraige by confronting her and we are doing good.


I'm glad to hear that my story is not unique. I believe there are a lot of people like you and me that have similar struggles they have overcome. Thanks for your post. I hope that you continue to make progress in your relationship.

I am putting together a blog with the purpose of trying to help others who really want help. If you get a chance, check it out and post a comment. More couples need to know that there is life after infidelity. You probably have some great ideas to share.

Surviving Infidelity In Marriage


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## vadu2006

bestblu1 said:


> Swallowing my pride was not easy. As far as seeking revenge, there were days when the anger was so strong, I could feel my heart racing. I would imagine things I wanted to do to him and even planned them out at times.
> 
> I think what saved me from doing anything stupid was maybe *my age and experience.* I have lived long enough to understand that actions bring consequences. When I would picture myself going over to his house to "hurt" him, I would play out the rest of the scenario. I could see the police coming to pick me up. I could picture the hurt that my children would experience because their dad was in jail or in the hospital.
> 
> As strong as the emotions were at times, I would always give in to the logical side of my mind. It's the hardest thing to go through because I felt like if I just did something to physically hurt him, I thought I would feel like I was in control.
> 
> On the flip side, I never had any desire to hurt my wife, not in a physical way at least. *But there were times when I felt like having an affair myself, or just a one night stand, would give me a little more control also.* There were times when I really, really, really wanted to do both. But I never did.
> 
> *Between the feelings of revenge toward the other guy, and having a fling of my own, the hardest one to control was the desire for revenge.* I have never in my life wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I did at that time. I even called him up a couple of times and threatened him. It was a stupid thing to do but I felt better at the time. Some people would say (and have said) that it wasn't fair for me to blame him. I don't care what they think. If you knew the whole story, you would feel the same way about that guy. I'm writing our story and maybe some day I will make it available. I go into a lot more details about how he used her and used me to get to her.
> 
> I'm rambling now. But the point that I want to make is that I am human. People on this forum have mostly read about our success. Believe me when I tell you that there was a lot of pain and times when I wondered if I would go crazy with hate and pain...seriously.
> 
> When I was feeling vengeful thoughts at times, when they were almost overpowering, I would call my pastor friend and tell him what I was thinking of doing and he would help me calm down. He would help me think more long term and things like that. It's good to have someone to talk to.


Really amazing how you control yourself. 
What do you think would have been the consequences if you had fling of your own?


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## bestblu1

vadu2006 said:


> Really amazing how you control yourself.
> What do you think would have been the consequences if you had fling of your own?


First of all, I don't think it is amazing really. What's amazing about doing the right thing? 

The consequences of having a fling of my own would have been to despise myself. I would have felt like a scumbag. I would be no different from the guy that I despised who got involved with my wife. It would have been 5 minutes of pleasure traded for a lifetime of regret. Everything I believed about what is right for me up to this point in my life would be meaningless.

And, from what I have come to understand from my wife's experience, after you did it once, it was easier to do it again and again and again. Your conscience would become "seared" and insensitive. Easy answer.

Besides that, I promised my wife that as long as she demonstrated her faithfulness to me, I would not leave her. I won't break my promise and I won't complicate the healing process by adding my own lack of self control to the mix.


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## 8yearscheating

OK no one upmanship here however.....26 years married - 20 years of cheating first 2 years with two different short affairs and then 18 years with a "friend". She can't even tell me if my 15 yr old daughter is mine. We are reconciling and things are going very for the same reasons blu mentions - she is committed and remorseful. I am still struggling with what was real in those 20 years and how she could continue for so long other than the kids and my support. I firmly believe there were times when she truly loved me. She chose to run from her problems instead of dealing with them with me. I'm trying hard to move forward and put it all behind me and start a new relationship with a new woman. It's very hard with so much of the last 20 years in question. Still I am committed and so is she. It has only been 2 months since full disclosure (not really full but more than I wanted to know). Trying hard. Congrats blu. I pray it keeps going well. 2 years and still keeping tabs - now I don't feel so bad about doing the same.


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## vadu2006

bestblu1 said:


> First of all, I don't think it is amazing really. What's amazing about doing the right thing?
> 
> The consequences of having a fling of my own would have been to despise myself. I would have felt like a scumbag. I would be no different from the guy that I despised who got involved with my wife. It would have been 5 minutes of pleasure traded for a lifetime of regret. Everything I believed about what is right for me up to this point in my life would be meaningless.
> 
> And, from what I have come to understand from my wife's experience, after you did it once, it was easier to do it again and again and again. Your conscience would become "seared" and insensitive. Easy answer.
> 
> *Besides that, I promised my wife that as long as she demonstrated her faithfulness to me, I would not leave her.* I won't break my promise and I won't complicate the healing process by adding my own lack of self control to the mix.


Let me rephrase my question: Would your wife forgive you, if you had an affair?
Besides, she made some promises when she married you, didn't she?


----------



## bestblu1

vadu2006 said:


> Let me rephrase my question: Would your wife forgive you, if you had an affair?
> Besides, she made some promises when she married you, didn't she?


That's a question you would have to ask her.


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## the guy

If I may step in here, In my case my wife already believed I stepped out side the marriage. Even though I didn't at the very least I broke my promise to love and charish witch she forgave me for.

So indirectly she has fogiven me for the cheating I didn't do plus the broken promise, so I figure I ow her one.

I pushed her once when we were kids she forgave me,so I quess I ow her two.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated

bestblu1 said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by your question, "you've forgiven and that's it?".
> 
> If you mean are you just going on with life as usual? Of course not. For 6 weeks all we did was talk. No tv, no movies no time apart except when I was at work. Absolutely no time apart other than my job. It's all we knew to do at the time. I didn't want to be anywhere else and niether did she. She does not work outside the home. From the very first day after she told me about the affair, every day that I was at work, she would call me when she left the house for any reason and call me again when she returned. That was her idea before I thought of it. She still does it today.
> 
> 
> I have full access to her cell phone bill, email account and she told me she feels more secure knowing that I WANT to keep tabs on her. She has always had access to mine but then, there has never been any reason or suspicions on her part to check up on me.
> 
> The thing that makes this accountability work is that most of it has been her idea and she gives me absolutely no resistance. It is part of _*our*_ plan to rebuild our marriage and not just _*my*_ plan .
> 
> What am I doing to meet her needs that I wasn't doing before. Everything. For some reason, I almost immediately knew what I had to do. I can't explain it except to say, deep down I knew what I was with holding from her...and my new mission in life?...Make sure she never has to go outside our home to get what she needs.
> 
> The night she confessed everything to me, I thought we could never have sex again...I even said that to her. But after I forgave her, I knew I had to start immediately to get that part of our life back. So..the very next night we made love and went for about 65 or 66 days straight. Skipped a day and then started again. Not trying to break any records. Just a new attitude and reorganized priorities on my part. I had almost lost the most important part of my life and I was not about to let that happen because of anything that I was unwilling to change.
> 
> I began talking to her while we made love. Telling her how much I love her and how I was feeling and well, I don't need to get to descriptive except to say that our love life changed radically and it was something she had always wanted but I had been too uncomfortable to do. It is still that way today. Honestly, I was about a once a week guy before. Too busy chasing success. Worn out at the end of the day. What a waste of life.
> 
> Also, she almost immediately began counseling with an incredibly brilliant lady (professional Christian counselor recommended by someone else). She went once a week for about 10 weeks. We scheduled the sessions on my days off so I could go with her. I would drop her off and go to the drug store and buy her nice card and meet her with the card when she came out of the counseling session. Then we would go have lunch and talk about it.
> 
> Of course I got counseling also, but I was meeting with another counselor. I wanted her to have her own private sessions with a female counselor so she didn't feel like she had to hold anything back because of me being there. The counseling helped her tremendously which in turn helped me.
> 
> Other things I am doing that I didn't do before: Clean up after myself. Voluntarily do the dishes and pick up the house. I give her a massage after we make love once or twice a week. The thing is I enjoy doing these things now. It's kinda wierd.
> 
> This post is really getting long. Once I get started, all of these thoughts start coming to me and I don't want to leave anything out because I feel like if I don't tell the whole story, someone will think that I'm not being real or whatever and that I must be naive to think that we could possibly have things together already. Trust me when I say, it is still very hard sometimes. The images that come into my mind were overwhelming and overpowered me mentally for a time.
> 
> I eventually learned to recognize those thoughts as "my enemies". The thoughts will try to destroy you. The thoughts will try to get you to hate, to curse and even to kill. I am now much quicker to recognize when my mind is going in the wrong direction and I am able take control of my thoughts back...most of the time anyway.
> 
> There is so much more to say about what has helped me, us deal with this. I will be happy to talk about it in more detail if anyone wants to know.


I could really use your help. Contact me I need to get over this!!!!! I want to or at least I think or hope I do.


----------



## Riverside MFT

I have read every word in this thread and find it fascinating. Bestblu1 is an incredible man for sticking this out with his wife. Please do not forget that his wife had to make changes as well and should be revered for her continued efforts. Mrs Bestblu1, to you I say keep it up! Not only is your husband amazing, but you are as well. Both Bestblu1 and his wife were doing things to each other that were not helpful towards the progress of their relationship. I think the affair was a huge wake-up call to both of them and helped them gain a better perspective of what they really wanted. 

What Bestblu1 has tried to do is to inspire others to believe that there is life after an affair. Hope, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, faith, patience, determination, hard work, compassion, and charity were needed by BOTH Bestblu1 and Mrs. Bestblu1. In the midst of a relationship disaster, these qualities could only come from God. BOTH turned to God and placed their lives and this situation in His hands.

Fear, anger, despair, jealousy, and vengeance do not come from God. One of the principles that should be understood here is that God should be an active part of every one's marriage for with God, nothing is impossible (even overcoming an affair).


----------



## annagarret

Marriage is long hard work. Nobody is perfect. She may have had physical affairs, but there are also many mental affairs that go on too. They are both equal and wrong because they take away from our partner. I am guilty of the mental, as well as my husband. Our society would love to make another statistic out of your family. Hold strong. All marriages go ups and downs, valleys and peaks. Choose to write your legacy for yor wonderful family. The world needs hope.!


----------



## ManDup

Riverside MFT said:


> Fear, anger, despair, jealousy, and vengeance do not come from God. One of the principles that should be understood here is that God should be an active part of every one's marriage for with God, nothing is impossible (even overcoming an affair).


I used to have unconditional trust in God, but he flaked on me a couple of times. Now I keep him on a pretty short leash, I tell you. If he wants to go out, he calls and asks me.


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## Marvellous

Thumbs up! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
It's really refreshing to hear stories like yours. Refreshing, because I read more stories of hopelessness than HOPE in forums like this. I HOPE everything works out. Forgiveness may not give you amnesia, but it can surely help fade scars. Keep it up!


----------



## Chloeden

bestblu1 said:


> I felt a very strong sense of compassion for her....
> 
> She tried to push me away saying "no, no, you can't...I've been so horrible, no, no" and a bunch of other stuff like that.


Hi,

This is my first post here and its kind of bizzare that this is one of the first posts I read.

What I quoted above sounds a lot like something that happened with us on the night I found out about my husbands affair. This was 3 years ago and I am still struggling to forgive him.

Thankfully he is doing all he can to save our marriage, still, I am paranoid and suffering with anxiety - THREE years after the affair


----------



## Jellybeans

More power to the OP but I can't imagine moving on from a spouse's 12 yr affair and just having everything be rainbows again.


----------



## Riverside MFT

Jellybeans said:


> More power to the OP but I can't imagine moving on from a spouse's 12 yr affair and just having everything be rainbows again.


Bestblu1 never said it was rainbows. He said they were moving forward. He said, "Trust me when I say, it is still very hard sometimes. The images that come into my mind were overwhelming and overpowered me mentally for a time." He learned how to rely on God. Both him and his wife went through some incredible relationship trauma. Both are still recovering. But both have their faith in God and both are committed to their relationship and are moving forward.


----------



## meplus3bg

I'm so glad I found this post, I have been getting neg. feedback on my post to forgive and how to deal as well but after reading this I know there is hope...and as blue said he felt compassion, after my bf of 15yrs confessed to me I felt the same way, it was as if I felt closer to him for finally opening up to me and letting it all go and really telling me how he felt and showing me his remorse, but now I'm currently struggling with the anger, I feel like my emotions are backwards like I was able to forgive him too quick like I let him off too easy now I feel disgusted, but I do forgive him and want to move on...that is why I posted here to get advice from others going through the same thing but I'm only getting bitter responses telling me I'm in denial...


----------



## Riverside MFT

meplus3bg said:


> I'm so glad I found this post, I have been getting neg. feedback on my post to forgive and how to deal as well but after reading this I know there is hope...and as blue said he felt compassion, after my bf of 15yrs confessed to me I felt the same way, it was as if I felt closer to him for finally opening up to me and letting it all go and really telling me how he felt and showing me his remorse, but now I'm currently struggling with the anger, I feel like my emotions are backwards like I was able to forgive him too quick like I let him off too easy now I feel disgusted, but I do forgive him and want to move on...that is why I posted here to get advice from others going through the same thing but I'm only getting bitter responses telling me I'm in denial...


Bestblu also got a lot of criticism for forgiving his wife so quickly as well. However, his story is one of hope. I hope your situation works out as well meplus!


----------



## Jerseygirl

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.



yes I would love some help..


----------



## sammy3

Where is the kool-aid stand? 


~sammy


----------



## morituri

sammy3 said:


> Where is the kool-aid stand?
> 
> 
> ~sammy


jonestown french Guiana circa 1978.

Nevertheless there is a small piece of my heart that will always belong to the woman I once loved, the woman who was once my wife.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Morituri - sentimental...OMG - I'm amazed! No, honestly, it has to be the hardest thing in the world to lose someone you love. My condolences.


----------



## morituri

8yearscheating said:


> Morituri - sentimental...OMG - I'm amazed! No, honestly, it has to be the hardest thing in the world to lose someone you love. My condolences.


No I didn't lose a loved one via that sociopath Jim Jones but I did lose my dear first wife to cancer many years ago.

If you have read all of my posts regarding my ex-wife - second wife - you'll will see that I compared the decision to divorce her akin to the amputation of one of my limbs.

If I had known about her rape when she was a teenager, I may have taken the path you took.

There are nights where I dream of her tear stricken face pleading me not to leave her. My oldest daughter - from my first wife deceased - was heartbroken when she saw her recently in the psychiatric hospital. They were very close when I was married to her.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Don't beat yourself up for something you didn't know about. She should have told you or someone should have, You made a decision based on what you did know and what was best for you at the time. I haven't read you posts so excuse my stupidiity. Sounds like you have had a very tragic life indeed. Again my condolences. Even though you divorced, there is still a chance if you want one..


----------



## GETTING PAST THE HURT

bestblu1 said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by your question, "you've forgiven and that's it?".
> 
> If you mean are you just going on with life as usual? Of course not. For 6 weeks all we did was talk. No tv, no movies no time apart except when I was at work. Absolutely no time apart other than my job. It's all we knew to do at the time. I didn't want to be anywhere else and niether did she. She does not work outside the home. From the very first day after she told me about the affair, every day that I was at work, she would call me when she left the house for any reason and call me again when she returned. That was her idea before I thought of it. She still does it today.
> 
> 
> I have full access to her cell phone bill, email account and she told me she feels more secure knowing that I WANT to keep tabs on her. She has always had access to mine but then, there has never been any reason or suspicions on her part to check up on me.
> 
> The thing that makes this accountability work is that most of it has been her idea and she gives me absolutely no resistance. It is part of _*our*_ plan to rebuild our marriage and not just _*my*_ plan .
> 
> What am I doing to meet her needs that I wasn't doing before. Everything. For some reason, I almost immediately knew what I had to do. I can't explain it except to say, deep down I knew what I was with holding from her...and my new mission in life?...Make sure she never has to go outside our home to get what she needs.
> 
> The night she confessed everything to me, I thought we could never have sex again...I even said that to her. But after I forgave her, I knew I had to start immediately to get that part of our life back. So..the very next night we made love and went for about 65 or 66 days straight. Skipped a day and then started again. Not trying to break any records. Just a new attitude and reorganized priorities on my part. I had almost lost the most important part of my life and I was not about to let that happen because of anything that I was unwilling to change.
> 
> I began talking to her while we made love. Telling her how much I love her and how I was feeling and well, I don't need to get to descriptive except to say that our love life changed radically and it was something she had always wanted but I had been too uncomfortable to do. It is still that way today. Honestly, I was about a once a week guy before. Too busy chasing success. Worn out at the end of the day. What a waste of life.
> 
> Also, she almost immediately began counseling with an incredibly brilliant lady (professional Christian counselor recommended by someone else). She went once a week for about 10 weeks. We scheduled the sessions on my days off so I could go with her. I would drop her off and go to the drug store and buy her nice card and meet her with the card when she came out of the counseling session. Then we would go have lunch and talk about it.
> 
> Of course I got counseling also, but I was meeting with another counselor. I wanted her to have her own private sessions with a female counselor so she didn't feel like she had to hold anything back because of me being there. The counseling helped her tremendously which in turn helped me.
> 
> Other things I am doing that I didn't do before: Clean up after myself. Voluntarily do the dishes and pick up the house. I give her a massage after we make love once or twice a week. The thing is I enjoy doing these things now. It's kinda wierd.
> 
> This post is really getting long. Once I get started, all of these thoughts start coming to me and I don't want to leave anything out because I feel like if I don't tell the whole story, someone will think that I'm not being real or whatever and that I must be naive to think that we could possibly have things together already. Trust me when I say, it is still very hard sometimes. The images that come into my mind were overwhelming and overpowered me mentally for a time.
> 
> I eventually learned to recognize those thoughts as "my enemies". The thoughts will try to destroy you. The thoughts will try to get you to hate, to curse and even to kill. I am now much quicker to recognize when my mind is going in the wrong direction and I am able take control of my thoughts back...most of the time anyway.
> 
> There is so much more to say about what has helped me, us deal with this. I will be happy to talk about it in more detail if anyone wants to know.


This is the thing I struggle with the most and I am told by counselors that because I am a a woman I am more likely to struggle with this longer then men do. How do you take these thoughts captive? I must add though that in 6 years of my husband having the affair there were times when I would be free of the thoughts and all of the sudden they come up again and they would be dead on because he started seeing her again. I have been told by pastors and counselors that this is a woman's intuition and is usually dead on. How do I now know thew difference in the moment. It soo much


----------



## GETTING PAST THE HURT

bestblu1 said:


> My motto is "as long as I am alive there is hope". And I will exhaust every option to keep what is valuable to me.
> 
> I was under the impression that this forum would be occupied by people who want helpful advice about what has worked for others. Apparently I was wrong about that. It seems more like (so far at least) a place to cry and moan and express one's bitterness and anger for the wrongs that have been done to them. I just don't have time for it.


:iagree:
I have been on here searching for help from like minded souls in moving forward with my husband through what sounds like an even worst situation then yours. Yet I have forgiven and I am willing to move forward but I need help dealing with the scars of it all. So far all I have found are people with thin skin who have no since of looking in the mirror at how they be rid of bitterness


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## 8yearscheating

Getting Past - Pm me anytime.. Maybe I can help.


----------



## bestblu1

To "Getting Past The Hurt"

_This is the thing I struggle with the most and I am told by counselors that because I am a a woman I am more likely to struggle with this longer then men do. How do you take these thoughts captive? I must add though that in 6 years of my husband having the affair there were times when I would be free of the thoughts and all of the sudden they come up again and they would be dead on because he started seeing her again. I have been told by pastors and counselors that this is a woman's intuition and is usually dead on. How do I now know thew difference in the moment. It soo much_

Not knowing all the details of your current situation with your husband, I can't know for sure how to compare your situation to mine. But for me, I can say that if I had found out that my wife was seeing the other man again after the initial discovery, it would have been a different outcome. What made it possible for me was that she stopped seeing him immediately and became very accountable with her time and whereabouts. It sounds like that has not been the case in your situation? 

It is one thing to deal with thoughts of things that happened in the past. It would be extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to deal with thoughts that she is continuing to be with the other person. In my mind (and I am not a counselor) that would be too much to bear.

I had to be assured at all times that the affair was over. Forgiveness is one thing but trust has to be earned. As a Christian I am required to forgive and anything God requires of me he also enables me to do. But God does not require me to stay with a spouse who _continues_ to be unfaithful.


----------



## GETTING PAST THE HURT

8yearscheating said:


> Getting Past - Pm me anytime.. Maybe I can help.


8year Thanks so much I will. I actually just put my own story up in a thread ( not really sure how to get back to it yet though ). Its a little long winded cause I have never had anyone beside counslor to talk to though.


----------



## GETTING PAST THE HURT

bestblu1 said:


> To "Getting Past The Hurt"
> 
> _This is the thing I struggle with the most and I am told by counselors that because I am a a woman I am more likely to struggle with this longer then men do. How do you take these thoughts captive? I must add though that in 6 years of my husband having the affair there were times when I would be free of the thoughts and all of the sudden they come up again and they would be dead on because he started seeing her again. I have been told by pastors and counselors that this is a woman's intuition and is usually dead on. How do I now know thew difference in the moment. It soo much_
> 
> Not knowing all the details of your current situation with your husband, I can't know for sure how to compare your situation to mine. But for me, I can say that if I had found out that my wife was seeing the other man again after the initial discovery, it would have been a different outcome. What made it possible for me was that she stopped seeing him immediately and became very accountable with her time and whereabouts. It sounds like that has not been the case in your situation?


 You are completely right. In my situation my husbands addiction was the main issue and his actions secondary. The pain was immense for me. What struck me as similar was the remorse you described your wife as having as well as the manipulation from the other party. It was very much the same for him only their affair produced children that she both made and used to keep things going in spite of his addiction. I watched him struggle to do the right thing by everyone involved and still end up wrong. I was willing to stay because I loved him in a way it seemed no one else ever had and he loved me in a way he never knew he could not loving himself. I stayed in order to get to the sober stable point we are at now and to give his kids a chance at life. I was naive though in the belief that faith would keep me sane.


----------



## PPL123

A strong relationship with God.

We have all been tempted and done things that are sins against God. But, if we trust Him and rely on His strength and not just our own, we can overcome many of the temptations of life. "Be strong in the Lord". This is always the best course of action when temptation comes our way. Let's pray for that strength from God when we are tempted. He can overcome anything.




John Galt
http://[/FONTPPL, Sales Consultant
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


----------



## GETTING PAST THE HURT

ppl123 said:


> a strong relationship with god.
> 
> we have all been tempted and done things that are sins against god. But, if we trust him and rely on his strength and not just our own, we can overcome many of the temptations of life. "be strong in the lord". This is always the best course of action when temptation comes our way. Let's pray for that strength from god when we are tempted. He can overcome anything.
> 
> 
> ]


amen !!!!


----------



## bestblu1

I just thought I would stop in here again. It's been awhile. I haven't really needed to discuss our situation as much as I did. 

But I wanted to post an update and say that things have progressed to a "better" normal than before. By better I mean our relationship is the strongest it has ever been. We are nicer to each other than we have ever been in our marriage and we enjoy each other's company more than we ever have.

I still have the images once in a while but it is much easier now. It's as if the woman I see in those mental pictures is not the same one I am married to now.

A couple months ago I had a minor setback. I had a dream that she was cheating on me again. It stirred up some of those old painful feelings for sure. I got over it though. 

Every night when we settle in to go to sleep, she lays her head on my chest, tells me she loves me, I tell her that I love her, and we usually fall asleep in that position. May seem like a little thing but she has told me many times that it is her favorite time of the day. I feel the same way.

I am very careful not to bring up the past events any more also. I feel like it would not be fair to her because she has told me so many times how sorry she is that I want to make sure not to do or say anything to make her feel like I haven't forgiven her.

We still talk about it once in a while but more in terms of how much we have gone through and how much better things are now.


----------



## pidge70

Your story is truly inspiring. It's a shame not all couples cannot work things out. Then again, noone should have to deal with such a horrendous situation in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Struggling4ever

CMC125 said:


> Best,
> 
> *You post less than a year out, you have forgiven its the forgetting part that many times will be the deathblow to a relationship.*


So true...unfortunately.....
Good luck with that! I felt the same way for many years, but the triggers didn't let go....


----------



## Struggling4ever

bestblu1 said:


> Here is something else that has helped me a lot.
> 
> *I forgave my wife within about 2 hours of her confession.* *I forgave her because I could see that she was truly sorry for what she had done. * I told her that I forgave her. Did I still hurt? Was I still angry? Was I still devastated? Absolutely!
> 
> But somehow, I knew that there had to be a starting point for us to recover. I knew that nothing that either of us said or did could change what happened. And I knew that I still loved her and wanted her.
> 
> Once I verbally forgave her, she told me later, she felt something inside of her change. Remember, she had been concealing this for 12 years and it was tormenting her.
> 
> I also told her in our talks later, that I could not and would not put myself through this kind of pain again. She understood very well, that if it ever happened again I probably would be gone (although I didn't say it in exactly those terms).
> 
> I then (through the advice of my counselor) told her that I reserved the right to ask questions at any time. I never asked her specific graphic questions about the sexual activity that took place. My imagination could pretty much answer these painful questions for me. What was the point of creating more pain for both of us?
> 
> But I asked her about times, locations, thoughts that were going through her head when she was involved with this guy, etc. She has answered some very hard questions. Some of those questions she could have answered falsely and I would have never known. But because she was willing to hold nothing back, I knew that she wanted to change. It took about 2 months for me to get the majority of the hard questions out.
> 
> But as we talked and discussed these things, I began to get a picture of what I had done or not done to make her feel like she had to go somewhere else to get her emotional needs met.
> 
> Here is a huge thing that I was able to do. I came to the conclusion that the wife I knew and loved was gone. It was as if she had died, left me or just didn't exist anymore. The relationship I thought we had, was a thing of the past. I was now married to a different woman. That thought created a strong sense of loss in my mind and heart. But the flip side of that way of processing things is that, I now have a new, better relationship with a new woman.
> 
> I don't have a crystal ball and I have no guarantees that life will always be as good as it seems with her now. But then, love is about trusting and being vulnerable. It's a choice I have had to make.
> 
> I have to tell you also that all of this is only possible for me because she has made an incredible effort to make me know that she wants me and not him. If she were still seeing him and talking to him, I can't say that I would be as secure and trusting as I am now.


 For 12 long years she shared herself with another man and she's truly sorry? I give you props but I'm afraid once you come out of the "fog" and back into reality, you are in for a surprise! I hope I'm wrong, but this sounds a lot like how I was! From day 1, I was on a mission to prove we were even better than before because of this...and then the "triggers" started! I'm glad your getting therapy, stay with it!!! Our therapist said I needed to take ownership in the affair and take some of the blame, she said don't bring it up or it will kill her self-esteem, I had to remember that she was manipulated...so everytime a memory came back or anger creeped in, I had to go through a "thought process" to realize all of this.... I'm not saying you are doing the wrong thing and i'm sure she is sorry....but it still happened and just please remember to deal with it...I buried it and it came back 11 years later with a vengeance...
Seriously, with all due respect...Good luck!


----------



## Struggling4ever

bestblu1 said:


> I can understand why you would say that. If it had never happened to me and someone else had told me it happened to them, I would have thought that guy was a fool for forgiving her.
> 
> In my situation, *I love my wife so much that I am willing to give her another chance.* If you read one of my previous posts, you will remember how violently ill she became (she vomited several times) when she was confessing to me. She begged me not to leave her.
> 
> *The more important aspect to me is the fact that I "emotionally mistreated" her for many years. I felt a certain amount of responsibility for pushing her "into his arms". I know this guy and I know now that he is an incredible manipulator. * He knew exactly what to say to her to get her to give in to his advances. He said all the things that I never would (until now...better late than never). He made her feel appreciated more than I ever did. She told me these things without blaming me, but just to explain to me how it happened.
> 
> *I treat her like a woman who has been forgiven and her "evil past" erased. That's all I know to do and so far it seems to be working pretty well.* As long as she does what I need her to do to help me trust her again, I am willing to stay with her and rebuild.


This could have been my words! You need to slow down and be real about all of this! I'm not saying it can't work but there is no you taking blame or resentment will follow! (in my opinion) This has to be all on her...she had the choice to get counciling, talk to you, get a divorce, whatever...she chose to drop her pants (or lift her skirt) and allow another man to enter her repeatedly... I'm sorry but you need to realize that, accept that it happened and it wasn't ok, then you can try to move forward! This doesn't happen in 2 hours. Slow down, love your wife, let her take the blame, and in time you may heal... Trust me, I've been right where you are, and the anger and resentment will grow after you are through with the "hypersex honeymoon phase" you are in...I went through that too!


----------



## strikethree

Twelve years of cheating without consequence... she's probably doing it again and just an expert at not getting caught. After all, she's had years of experience.

And if she gets caught again all she has to do is be really sorry and you'll take her back.


----------



## bestblu1

Strikethree,

Thanks for the comments. Truly. It helps me to keep things in perspective. 

Having said that, I'm on the inside of this and you are just reading postings on this forum that can not really demonstrate the depth of what is taking place in our communication and relationship. 

Consider this: After what I've been through, I have no doubt that if any thing ever happened again I would know. I watch, listen and investigate. I also know that I would end our relationship for good if something happened. She knows it too, without me having to voice it.

By the way, if you think the graphic descriptions you painted about her might shock me into reality, you have not stopped to consider what kind of graphic images I have already dealt with (and it sounds like you went through some of that yourself). I understand the reality of what happened perfectly well. No need for you to talk about my wife like that.

You said to slow down. I understand. But understand this. I no longer base my self worth on her faithfulness to me. My self worth goes much deeper than that now. It has to or I wouldn't have made it this far. 

Also, it's important to mention that I didn't just stay and work things out for me. I did it for her, for our kids (who do know what happened by the way) and our grand kids. I understand the ramifications that a divorce can have on extended family, and as much as is possible within me, I am determined for our marriage to be an example of overcoming adversity. I believe she feels the same way.

I'm not sure what you have personally been through but I sincerely hope you recover from it. I wish you the best.


----------



## Carol/BC

I'm so appreciative of your willingness to share, your ability to be articulate, your enduring love and steadfast commitment. My husband and I will celebrate 15 years married -17 years together - on Tuesday. About 6 years ago we had a rough patch that included online virtual sex... we got past it and are stronger and closer than before. It took a lot of work on both our parts.

I'm often disheartened by how fast people on these forums cry, "ditch 'em!" to most any problem. I guess it's understandable, given how few good role models there are in the media. Part of why my husband and I succeeded is because we're both willing to look at our own shortcomings. 

Sometimes a good shaking up wakes us up. In my religion, there's a phrase: Turning poison into medicine. In my case, our bad time helped get us very clear on why it went bad and how not to do it again.

Thanks for taking the significant time, patience and wherewithal to write it down and share it with us!

Carol


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## bestblu1

Strikethree
My last post was actually more in response to "Struggling4ever"


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## Struggling4ever

bestblu1 said:


> Strikethree
> My last post was actually more in response to "Struggling4ever"


I was just going to mention that when i saw your post! I'm sorry and I don't mean to speak bad of your wife, Unlike Strikethree, I believe she probably is faithful now and has "seen the light". I'm only pointing things out from experience. My wife had a ongoing (less than a year or 1 year too long) affair with my supposed best friend 11 years ago. I did exactly what you are doing. Everything you've written could have come from me. Over time because I took blame, and blamed our "friend" for manipulating her (and thereby making her a "victim" that this bad thing happened to) she felt less ownership in what happened than me. 

Years later I developed a friendship with a female coworker and she not only accused me of an EA, she said it was every bit as painful to her as what I went through with her ongoing PA with my BF! This obviously caused resentment and anger. I was faithful and I knew my boundaries and had never even held another woman's hand in 30+ years and she took so little blame in what happened that she really believed what she was saying. There never was an EA, but...because of how she behaved, I am not allowed to have female friends. She says she trust me but she doesn't trust them? In reality, if she really trusted me it wouldn't matter. I gave her trust after the affair, and yet years later, she can't trust me.

I had feelings bottled up (just like you). You say you have triggers and don't talk about them because you don't feel the need to hurt her... Just a warning, those feelings can turn into anger and resentment just because you don't like the way she looks at or talks to someone. I'm just being honest, stay with the therapy and hopefully your long term outcome is better than mine. We had a pretty good 11 years since the affair, but now that I released all the bottled up pain, anger, resentment, and frustration, it is like it happened yesterday! I cry when I talk about it and I am in therapy. I wasn't trying to be mean....and I'm sorry if you took it that way!


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## morituri

Struggling, your wife has been rug sweeping her hardcore PA with your former friend and is now trying to blame shift with your light EA or any minor communication you have with any woman to gain the upper hand. That is not the sign of a remorseful wife worthy of a second chance. Now compare bestblu1's wife with yours and you can see a world of difference between the two former cheating wives. His was, and still is, remorseful while yours is not despite her claims that she is.


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## bestblu1

Struggling

Thanks for the clarification. I feel for you and your situation and I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you and I have experienced many of the same feelings and thoughts. Keep your head up. You're a good man. Nothing that has happened to you is bigger than you.


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## Struggling4ever

morituri said:


> Struggling, your wife has been rug sweeping her hardcore PA with your former friend and is now trying to blame shift with your light EA or any minor communication you have with any woman to gain the upper hand.
> 
> That is not the sign of a remorseful wife worthy of a second chance.
> 
> Now compare bestblu1's wife with yours and you can see a world of difference between the two former cheating wives. His was, and still is, remorseful while yours is not despite her claims that she is.


As far as point 1 - Correct...she has with my help. She was originally very remorsful, I begged her to stay, and except for her insecurities and jealousy...we have had a great relationship since the affair. Just like Bestblu...I helped her in this role of blameshifting. I blamed him for manipulating, I took blame, I let her off easy! It was my only way to get through it and I know this now! 

She thought it was behind us and thought she had rebuilt the trust and we were good. I should have been honest about the triggers and the pain they still caused. I should have shared it with her, not others. That's what I'm telling him he needs to do. I was always trying to be ok with it in order to move forward. My therapist has said I should never be ok with it...It wasn't ok. What I didn't do was fully process it, work through it, accept that it happened...and then try to move forward building new memories together.

She was remorseful, although due to the severity...I'm not so sure anyone would be worthy of a second chance? I think once it goes physical...it's better to move on. (from my experience only). God knows I've tried to be ok with it!

Regarding the 2nd point....maybe out of anger I have misconstrued, but I do not see a lot of difference? My wife was remorseful, I believe she still is... I have felt the love and seen the tears. But she does have some serious self-esteem and jealousy/insecurity issues that she needs to work through.

I didn't mean to attack him..yes I am bitter and angry and hurting....I just saw a similarity in how he was "accepting it" and I want him to know he needs to be honest with his feelings and keep talking to his wife. he also needs to stay with the counseling. I believe if they do this, they have as good a chance or maybe even better than other couples of staying married and happy!


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## vi_bride04

I came to this forum the past few days b/c I feel like husband and I are just "going through the motions" again. It sucks b/c I know what can happen when that point comes. 

We both cheated on each other almost 5 years ago. Wow. As I type that, I can't believe it's really been that long. I was looking for hope that people can stay together after an affair, even years after. Things have been really good until probably the past year. 

I am hoping we can deal with the current problems to not run into something like what happened in the early years of our marriage. It sounds like some people do have success and that is great to hear. 

I just hate this feeling that we are repeating the same patterns that led us to cheat to begin with. 

Does anyone that has stayed with their spouse ever see the same patterns again, many years later? I thought we moved past everything but it does seem that I am holding onto stuff more than him.


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## bestblu1

Vision,

I appreciate that you would ask for my comments on your situation. I am not qualified to say much however about what to do to make things in your relationship improve. Everyone's situation is so much different. 

My strongest recommendation is for you (and your husband if he is willing) to get professional counseling. If you read my entire story then you know that my wife and I did just that. There is tremendous value in confiding in a qualified counselor. I don't know your spiritual beliefs but no matter what they are I believe that the best counselors are Christian based.

I told my story, and continue to tell it, not because I think that I have the answers for everyone who has been hurt by infidelity. I tell it because I want to give hope to those who, like I once did, feel like there is no hope of a happy married life again. 

I think that the key to your future happiness is for you to be able to tell your story to an impartial 3rd party professional. The key to your marriage succeeding is for "both" you and your husband doing it at the same time. With all my heart I believe that is the best advice I can give.


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## Carol/BC

Vision, bestblu1 is right. A therapist has the tools to help you untangle the confusing mixed bag of emotions and patterns. I can speak from experience that they can help you shed light on darkest parts of yourself. Keep a stout heart.


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## sirdano

Wow OP yours and mine are somewhat the same a little. I too took my wife for granit. Would only pay attention when I want sex. So I think too the affiar was a two way street. But with my health stressing her out I have had two kidney transplants three years appart and some poeple I was told by MC that instead of dealing with the stress they look for another way out. And me not being the best husban did not help either. 

After I found out I did not beg her to stay or anything but I made sure everyone knew what happen even our kids. Which all sided with me. At this time I had all kinds of stuff go through my head. Start drinking, taking drugs shot myself, etc. But after talking to some friends I choose GOD. I gave him every last bit of pain I had. And you know what it help!

Well one of her friend ask do you have any love of God left in you and she said "yes". This and with MC lead us back on a path to R. It took me 6 months to forgive. But you never forget. Just like my surgeries I am better but I have the scars to remind me.

Now the OM was a complete jerk. Once it was out in the open he blamed everyone but himself for what happen. Some stuff he wrote her made me scratch may head wondering why all the hate? I think if he wrote love letter instead of hate it might of been harder for her.

I too know OM were he lives, work, etc. He is 4 hours from us. But though all this I never once called him or responded to any email. I think that pissed him off more than me ever say anything.


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## couple

Bestblu, I know this is an old post but it's the first time I've seen it. I haven't read the whole thread but I have a question for you. Did you make a conscious effort to have more and better sex with your wife or did you truly have increased sexual desire for her after you learned of the cheating? 

If you had increased sexual desire for her did you ever contemplate why? You described her confession and begging you, etc in great detail. Was her complete submission to you and her shame a turn on that sparked your renewed sex life? Or was it more of the 'sperm competition' thing?

This is a serious question which I hope you don't find offensive.


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## daisygirl 41

Bestblu1
Thankyou for your update. I read your original post a while ago and was wondering how you were getting on.
My H and I have recently reconciled after his A and I am hoping we have a long and happy life ahead of us. We have been together 18 years and I too have forgiven him for what he has done, I don't think we could possibly make this work if I hadn't. I will not punish him got the rest of his life for something he so desperately regrets. Only 2 weeks in but we are doing well. Your story gives me hope and encouragement that we can build a better and stronger marriage for the future
Best wishes
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bandit

bestblu1 said:


> Here is something else that has helped me a lot.
> 
> *I forgave my wife within about 2 hours of her confession.* I forgave her because I could see that she was truly sorry for what she had done. I told her that I forgave her. Did I still hurt? Was I still angry? Was I still devastated? Absolutely!


If they can lie to you, deceive you and betray you for 12 years, they can certainly turn on the crocodile tears when needed. Of course the WS seems sorry, they don't want to have their life turned upside down for their deeds (ie be held accountable).. IMHO forgiving that easy only enabled her to do it again easier next time.. I will never forgive, nor could I fathom the thought of having sex with that gross creature again.. granted I'm not in a self created rose colored world such as yourself but at least I have not subjugated myself to the one that betrayed me.


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## bestblu1

Bandit,
For me, forgiving her was not just about accepting her back into my heart with no conditions. The forgiving part was probably even more important for _my_ mental health. I had to forgive the other guy also. I don't like him and I never will. But by forgiving him, I have removed his power from my life. Otherwise I would be tormented by rage, hatred and every other negative emotion that goes with this kind of betrayal. I can say to a certain degree, the forgiveness was a huge mental relief. It allowed me to work on rebuilding my sense of self worth and value as a man.

This may be difficult to understand but by forgiving her, I feel a sense of non-dependance on her

That's not to say that I immediately trusted her. Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things. She is still having to earn my trust.

It requires very little inner strength to hold on to bitterness and unforgiveness. If I ended up having to leave her for infidelity it would be easier to do so now. My feelings about who I am as a man are no longer dependent on her faithfulness to me.


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## Cee Paul

I have never ever cheated myself in any relationship but I have been cheated on once a long time ago by a past girlfriend, and that ended very quickly after 2 years together once I found out. And I commend a lot of you for being able to stay together after your spouse or significant other cheated on you because I surely could not do it, because to me once you break that very very intimate "bond" we have - I would never ever trust you again or treat you the same way. And who wants to be with someone that they don't trust or respect?


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## FlossyMay

Bestblu1,
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I've read it twice and linked to your blog. When your heart is shattered and your mind is confused, stories like yours gives hope and a direction. Best wishes to you and Mrs. Bestblu1


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## Retribution

I have a few questions for Best that are relating to the past few years in review, and what his opinions are on certain subjects. I have hard questions because it's the hard questions that nobody seems to be able to answer successfully.

1. Is there a day that goes by where you don't think about or get reminded of the affair in some way?

2. Do you feel complete trust for your wife now?

3. Would your life have been better had the affair never happened? Why or why not?

4. By saying that you contributed in any way to your wife stepping out on you are you not taking blame and responsiblity for another's actions? I believe all marriages have problems. The difference between those that experience adultery and those that don't is merely the choice of the adulterer. What are your thoughts?

5. How exactly has staying married helped you? Is it rewarding? Do you feel that it was better than any other alternative? My question is related to keeping the source of your pain close, and how you feel it has affected your recovery.

6. By staying married how have your feelings towards your wife changed? Do you look at her positively the way you did before any knowledge of the affair? Can you be around her, have sex with her, experience life with her without experiencing the pain of the affair in any way? Do you hold her in a positive loving light, or is it the idea marriage itself that you love? I'm really curious as to how a person can cheat and thus change the concept of who the are forever, and still be seen in a positive way by their spouse. Even building a "new marriage" just seems like the parties involved are just lying to themselves about what happened in the past, and yes, I'm suggesting that the past does matter.

7. I believe "recovery" would include a full feeling of happiness and joy, something that was hopefully experienced before the affair. How is this possible while memory persists? How can memory and emotion be completely seperated in this way? Is my concept of recovery even possible, or do I need to settle for recovery as something else? If recovery is something less than what I expect, then wouldn't it be better to divorce and find a new relationship with somebody who hasn't cheated on me?

8. How have your feelings towards your wife's lover changed over the years? Do you feel that justice is needed in any way? Despite the fact that your wife was the one who made the choice to hurt you, was he not party in the act as well? Did he not also commit adultery by sleeping with a married woman? Is he not accountable for the pain he helped cause? I say this because I believe that justice can be a huge part of those being wronged finding peace.


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## Cee Paul

Because I have been burned badly by people in the past I don't fully trust anyone to begin with; so when I decide to make someone my wife and agree to TRUST her more than anyone else in my life and she ends up cheating on me, that would hurt twice as bad and there would be no trusting that person ever again - period - end of story.


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## Betabuster

I'm really sorry that you've been through such a traumatic experience

The affair as you may already know is entirely your spouse's fault but setting bad precedents within the marriage goes a long way in contributing to your spouse having a very unfulfilled relationship( if she is not a serial cheater that is).

I hope you have identified the causes leading to both you and your spouse's dissatisfaction in the relationship

I wish you the best in your recovery


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## MAP

helpmeunderstand said:


> bestblu1, Firstly I can't thank you enough for this thoughtful, personal and open thread. Personally I am going through a difficult time with my W right now and your very insightful comments have given me a new way of looking at things. I am glad to see that you have been so successful. I think part of that success is due to the maturity and responsibility you have both put into this. I only hope our outcome can be this good.



Bestblu1, while I have not read this entire thread, I too want to thank you for sharing your experience. I think many can learn from all that you shared.


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## Immortal

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


Thanks for throwing out a lifeline. I do hope that you can shed some light on my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 yrs. Two kids ages 7 yrs and 4 mths. When we met, there were two other girls including myself trying to win his heart. I won. But this is my problem. He is very secretive. He has had relations (he says non sexual) with twelve other women since we've been together. Every time he does, i withhold sex from him for months. I also tried having more sex to see if this was the problem. I have repeatedly asked what was causing him to stray, if i was doing something wrong. His answer is always the same. He doesn't know. Recently I found out that he went back to the two ther women from 10 yrs ago who are also both married now. i saw messages in his fb account telling one about how much he wants to be with her, they were always soul mates, he wants to have sex with her and she feels the same way. he tells the other one ( who has no kids) that he wanted her to have his babies, he was young and stupid back then and it should have been her. I'm really hurt by these words.
I confronted him about this and he says it doesnt mean anything, he's trying to help them. says they are having trouble in their marriages so he just tells them what they want to hear.
Now he has stopped communicating with me. I found out some things through his messages because he tells them about his business, work, feelings. things i didn't even know. I've asked for a divorce and he doesn't want one. He doesnt even want me to leave. I'm afraid this will go on forever, cause when he gets tired of flirting with one, he just moves to another. And when asked why he does it, he never knows.
We have started discussing divorce, but now he has all the ideas. he doesn't want a divorce and now he is opening up and confessing. he wants to try to make our marriage work. i think we will have to start from the beginning again cause i feel like he is a stranger to me.

can you help?


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## Cee Paul

Cee Paul said:


> Because I have been burned badly by people in the past I don't fully trust anyone to begin with; so when I decide to make someone my wife and agree to TRUST her more than anyone else in my life and she ends up cheating on me, that would hurt twice as bad and there would be no trusting that person ever again - period - end of story.


*Bump*


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## MAP

bestblu1 said:


> One thing I notice with most of the people that post on this forum who are hurt by infidelity is that they are unwilling to acknowledge that they did things to contribute to the problem. To those people I would say, think back to the early years of your marriage and courtship. You were both in love and most likely would never have considered cheating.
> 
> Bestblu1
> Surviving Infidelity In Marriage


I think this point is crucial.


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## MAP

In general I wonder about the statistics regarding overcoming infidelity. I even wonder if the statistics would vary based on gender of who had the affair? In other words are men better at reconciling after affair by a wife or are women generally better at this when it is the husband who strayed. Perhaps there is no difference base on gender.


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## Cee Paul

MAP said:


> I think this point is crucial.


There are a lot of things that I will forgive my wife for and vice versa, but CHEATING is and never will be one of them. Because to me it's the ultimate traitor knife in the back and if you would go out and cheat on me then........what won't you do.


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## Retribution

The problems I have with this idea that the faithful partner is somehow responsible, is sometimes the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong. They're just married to a jerk. Also, by this logic that the problems in a marriage cause the unfaithful spouse to cheat and the faithful spouse to be partially responsible, then all marriages should have infidelity as a problem as well, because every marriage has problems. The very fact that many marriages don't have the pain of infidelity poisoning the relationship tells me that we as humans have our own choices to make and be responsible for, and that we do not need infidelity to "make our relationship stronger". The person who cheated caused the infidelity, not the faithful spouse. By this former logic then I too should be able to go have an affair, and say that she drove me to it. It's simply not true. If the faithful spouse actually got to choose any of the infidelity then infidelity wouldn't be the problem that it is. Infidelity was the sole choice of the unfaithful spouse and their affair partner. Nobody else can or should take the responsiblility for that. Further I cannot believe that infidelity is simply a symptom of a bigger problem. Problems don't come much bigger than somebody having sex with another who isn't their spouse. I'd rather be murdered, because at least then I'd be dead and no longer able feel the pain of the crime against me.

The problem that infidelity happens lies in the broken promise. When you married it wasn't, "I'll be faithful to you and none other, unless I feel that you're not being a good enough spouse, then I can go sex up anybody who's interested." Character matters when it's the hard thing to do. Just because your relationship was crap doesn't give one reason/excuse/justification/motivation for infidelty. Those parts all lie in the cheater, not the faithful spouse. If you truly love somebody then fight for them, and don't do anything that could hurt them as deeply as infidelity.


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## LeslieH

@retribution: as a WS, I can say that my intent was never to cheat on my husband. In fact, we thought that we had a great marriage. It turns out that this crisis has brought out a whole slew of issues that weren't openly addressing with each other. I'm not saying that my cheating was good thing, no, it was devastating (and still is). But sadly, I don't think that I realized that I was playing with fire in our relationship.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


I need help. We have been married for eight years, and have two children. I found out that my husband has been carrying out a EA moving rapidly towards PA this past December. I told him to cut her off (coworker), and all the other women he was hitting on, online. He agreed. Then I come to find he and she are still emailing eachother. I called him on it, and he said he "Effed up, and won't do it again." I emailed her and asked her to leave my husband and family alone. Then I drove all of there salacious texts to eachother, printed out, and emails to the woman's house for her husband to have. He deserved to know, too.

I caught him trawling online, comments to other women about how they are in his thoughts, etc. I discussed how this was not friendly, but intimate, and can be misconstrued. "Hi, it's me, I used to have a crush on you, now let's text and see what happens" is the gist of it. He did not understand.

So we started seeing a marriage counselor last week. I discussed boundries, and how he needs his ego stroked by so many women to make up for his low self esteem. We will meet the counselor for the second time, tomorrow. I like our counselor, and hope we will see results.

Last night a coworker called me at home to tell me there is a party for another coworker, and the former coworker who he had the 3 year EA with will be there. "Are you two going?" she asked me. He did not tell me about the party at all. I will wait two weeks, and if he has to "work late" or "is going to get together with the gang after work" I will say okay and just show up.

Any suggestions? It is the sneakiness that gets me.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

MAP said:


> I think this point is crucial.


I did nothing to contribute to the infidelity. I was supportive, loving, a willing intimate partner, attentive and trusting. He has very low self esteem, and a huge ego. He needs to have his ego stroked by the attentions of other women. It had nothing to do with me. Surprise!


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

Retribution said:


> The problems I have with this idea that the faithful partner is somehow responsible, is sometimes the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong. They're just married to a jerk. Also, by this logic that the problems in a marriage cause the unfaithful spouse to cheat and the faithful spouse to be partially responsible, then all marriages should have infidelity as a problem as well, because every marriage has problems. The very fact that many marriages don't have the pain of infidelity poisoning the relationship tells me that we as humans have our own choices to make and be responsible for, and that we do not need infidelity to "make our relationship stronger". The person who cheated caused the infidelity, not the faithful spouse. By this former logic then I too should be able to go have an affair, and say that she drove me to it. It's simply not true. If the faithful spouse actually got to choose any of the infidelity then infidelity wouldn't be the problem that it is. Infidelity was the sole choice of the unfaithful spouse and their affair partner. Nobody else can or should take the responsiblility for that. Further I cannot believe that infidelity is simply a symptom of a bigger problem. Problems don't come much bigger than somebody having sex with another who isn't their spouse. I'd rather be murdered, because at least then I'd be dead and no longer able feel the pain of the crime against me.
> 
> The problem that infidelity happens lies in the broken promise. When you married it wasn't, "I'll be faithful to you and none other, unless I feel that you're not being a good enough spouse, then I can go sex up anybody who's interested." Character matters when it's the hard thing to do. Just because your relationship was crap doesn't give one reason/excuse/justification/motivation for infidelty. Those parts all lie in the cheater, not the faithful spouse. If you truly love somebody then fight for them, and don't do anything that could hurt them as deeply as infidelity.


So well put. Thank you.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

bestblu1 said:


> Based on both of your responses then, I should kick her to the curb and tell her to get the hell out. Seems like you are playing judge and jury and have not met either one of us. You have no idea of the amount of counseling we have received and acted on. You don't know her and you don't know me and you seem to be looking for a reason to doubt her sincerity and my ability to forgive.
> 
> Are you unwilling to believe that someone has the capacity to forgive betrayal just because you don't think you can forgive? What the hell is that.
> 
> 
> As far as it being as much her fault as the guy's fault...duh. My conversation with him was based on what he did to gain my friendship in order to get access to my wife. I'm not oblivious to the fact that she had to say yes for 12 years. But the rest of the story includes the times she tried to break it off and tell me, and he threatened to reveal it to our kids and other friends because he was afraid of what would happen to him. This is also part of the discussion I had with him. His motto to her (which I talked to him about and he did not deny) was "you lie till you die".
> 
> But I am beginning to have reservations about posting on this site any more. It seems that most of the responses are directed toward discrediting any level of success in restoring a marriage after adultery. Not everyone stays bitter and full of hate after they have been cheated on. There are those who really believe there is hope. And I'm not just talking about me. My motto is "as long as I am alive there is hope". And I will exhaust every option to keep what is valuable to me.
> 
> I was under the impression that this forum would be occupied by people who want helpful advice about what has worked for others. Apparently I was wrong about that. It seems more like (so far at least) a place to cry and moan and express one's bitterness and anger for the wrongs that have been done to them. I just don't have time for it.


I need your advice. I have hope. I believe you and your wife are very much in love and doing everything to restore your marriage. You are a good, honest man. I have gained so much from your posts. Don't let the black hearts stop you from posting. Hate hurts the hater much more than the hated.


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## anchorwatch

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> I need your advice. I have hope. I believe you and your wife are very much in love and doing everything to restore your marriage. You are a good, honest man. I have gained so much from your posts. Don't let the black hearts stop you from posting. Hate hurts the hater much more than the hated.


Cyber, You have been bouncing around a bit. Post on the 'Coping with Infidelity' forum of the 'General Discussion' forum. You will get more answers the will help you. 

Chose the forum you wist to start your post in, then click on 'Forum tools', click on 'post a new thread'

Try that, you'll get help.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks

I prefer the help here, thanks.


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## daisygirl 41

Bestblu 1
Please don't leave. There are many of us here who have
Been inspired by your story. You have given a lots of good
Advice and given hope to many of us.
I am a BS. My H and I are currently in R and I know your posts have certainly given me encouragement and comfort.
You are an inspiration
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> I prefer the help here, thanks.


K


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## tamuser

just read the whole thread. Bestblu - the part about examining where your self esteem comes from was very helpful for me. I'm going to think about that for a while.

You and one other poster said your kids know. How did they find out, and how old were they when they found out? Any additional information on this topic would be good. My kids don't know, and sometimes I think they [the older ones] should.


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## bestblu1

My wife and I have 3 kids. All in their 30's. The two older ones received the same initial email from the OM's wife that I received. The younger one found out from her sister.

My wife and I have had conversations with each of them at different times since the revelation. They had all suspected it was going on for years.

I can't say for sure if it would be good for your kids to know or not. That depends, I think, on your individual situation. My kids needed to know because of their suspicions and they especially needed to know that we were successfully working through it.


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## Ben Connedfussed

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


You must be a saint! Truly to be, and I hand it to you. It has got to take some will power, strength, and a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!


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## TRy

bestblu1 said:


> My wife and I have 3 kids. All in their 30's. The two older ones received the same initial email from the OM's wife that I received. The younger one found out from her sister.
> 
> My wife and I have had conversations with each of them at different times since the revelation. They had all suspected it was going on for years.
> 
> I can't say for sure if it would be good for your kids to know or not. That depends, I think, on your individual situation. My kids needed to know because of their suspicions and they especially needed to know that we were successfully working through it.


 I am glad that you are now happy in your marraige and that it is working for you. I doubt that I could do it given your situation. 12 years. My children knowing. Your marriage was a lie for much of it. 

Looking at your posts, your wife successfully blame shifted to you and you accepted it. I am from the school of thought that blame for a bad marraige is 50%-50%, but blame for the cheating is 100% on the cheater. You accepted blame, forgave her, and began working on being a better husband only 2 hours after learning of the affair; this shows that you are not the bad unfixable husband that she has painted you out to be. Clearly she did not make the effort to give you a fair chance to fix things. No one is perfect, but cheaters are self appointed judges that hold the betrayed up to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves up to and that no one can pass. As the betrayed it is a game that you could not have won because she did not want you to win, since she needed to rationalize her cheating by blame shifting to you. She did not try because you might have respond and thus she would have lost her excuse for cheating. In one telling example, you told her that if she could not support you in your business efforts you would find someone that would. Although she used that statement as the trigger reason for beginning her 12 year affair, if you were a cheater you could have just as likely use her lack of supporting you as a reason to cheat with a co-worked that did support your efforts. See cheaters can always find a reason to cheat while faithful people do not.

Another thing. You wife only ended the affair because the other man's wife caught them and was going to tell you. Your wife was cake eating and would still be doing it right now, instead of giving you a fair chance to work on the marraige; again given a chance the last few years, you have proven that you had the potential to change for the better but she did not give you that chance. Her cheating was not the cure to your marriage. It was the reason for the delay in fixing it. I am not saying to leave her. I am just telling you to readjust your view of the affair.


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## bestblu1

TRy said:


> I am glad that you are now happy in your marraige and that it is working for you. I doubt that I could do it given your situation. 12 years. My children knowing. Your marriage was a lie for much of it.
> 
> Looking at your posts, your wife successfully blame shifted to you and you accepted it. I am from the school of thought that blame for a bad marraige is 50%-50%, but blame for the cheating is 100% on the cheater. You accepted blame, forgave her, and began working on being a better husband only 2 hours after learning of the affair; this shows that you are not the bad unfixable husband that she has painted you out to be. Clearly she did not make the effort to give you a fair chance to fix things. No one is perfect, but cheaters are self appointed judges that hold the betrayed up to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves up to and that no one can pass. As the betrayed it is a game that you could not have won because she did not want you to win, since she needed to rationalize her cheating by blame shifting to you. She did not try because you might have respond and thus she would have lost her excuse for cheating. In one telling example, you told her that if she could not support you in your business efforts you would find someone that would. Although she used that statement as the trigger reason for beginning her 12 year affair, if you were a cheater you could have just as likely use her lack of supporting you as a reason to cheat with a co-worked that did support your efforts. See cheaters can always find a reason to cheat while faithful people do not.
> 
> Another thing. You wife only ended the affair because the other man's wife caught them and was going to tell you. Your wife was cake eating and would still be doing it right now, instead of giving you a fair chance to work on the marraige; again given a chance the last few years, you have proven that you had the potential to change for the better but she did not give you that chance. Her cheating was not the cure to your marriage. It was the reason for the delay in fixing it. I am not saying to leave her. I am just telling you to readjust your view of the affair.


You make some good points and raise some valid questions. First I will address the question about accepting blame. I never did accept blame for her act of adultery. I accepted my role as a lousy husband. 

Obviously, I have not and could not post every conversation we've had since the revelation of her affair. She does accept responsibility for the act of adultery. She met with him of her own free will and had sex with him knowing it was her decision. She also understands now, as you said, that she never really gave me a chance to know what she was thinking about our relationship.

Ours is not a perfect story. It has taken a lot of time and talk to work through this. I accepted the fact that I was extremely insensitive to her. I accepted the fact that I helped create an environment in our relationship that was unhealthy. She had some very valid feelings about the way I treated and neglected her. We both know the course she chose was not justifiable. But, if she continued to blame me exclusively for the affair, we would not be together today.

Initially there was a lot of finger pointing. How could there not be when something like this happens. But the end result is, we have both come to realize that for our life together to be successful and happy, we both need to give into this relationship.

Another point you make is a good one. She got caught. I was extremely aware of that. I understand (and she does as well) that she has to work harder to gain my trust than she would have to if she had confessed before being caught. I still check up on her, still check her phone and her email, I watch how she acts around other men. I would be a fool not to. 

It seems that because I don't reveal every thought of precaution that goes through my head, those who prefer to be skeptical "assume" that I am unaware and naive. 

The whole point of my story is that we are successfully reconciling. That is the most important part of our experience. She screwed up big time and she knows it. She is doing everything she can possibly do to be accountable and earn my trust. That's good enough for me.


----------



## TRy

bestblu1 said:


> I accepted the fact that I was extremely insensitive to her. I accepted the fact that I helped create an environment in our relationship that was unhealthy. She had some very valid feelings about the way I treated and neglected her.


 You should not accept these facts because you were set up. You were this way because she let you be this way on purpose so that she could rationalize her cheating. As part of the human condition we all take the path of least resistance, there is no shame in this. In a normal marriage each spouse speaks up about their needs, letting the spouse know what is important to them and what is not. Your wife intentionally did not speak up because she wanted to have an excuse for her to do what she really wanted to do, which was to cheat. Cheating is fun and exciting and she found someone to do it with for 12 years. In only 2 hours after learning about the affair you addressed these issues, proving all she had to do was speak up. Cheaters would have you believe that being a mind reader is a requirement of being a good spouse.


bestblu1 said:


> But the end result is, we have both come to realize that for our life together to be successful and happy, we both need to give into this relationship.


 The big question is, with the marriage having been dead for 12 years, and the children grown, why did you even want to get back together with her? Since you can never really ever trust her again, why not just start with someone new that you can trust? Yes you both can work at it, but why bother when almost anyone would be better without the baggage of the 12 years of total betray? I honestly do not understand.


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## bestblu1

TRy said:


> You should not accept these facts because you were set up. You were this way because she let you be this way on purpose so that she could rationalize her cheating. As part of the human condition we all take the path of least resistance, there is no shame in this. In a normal marriage each spouse speaks up about their needs, letting the spouse know what is important to them and what is not. Your wife intentionally did not speak up because she wanted to have an excuse for her to do what she really wanted to do, which was to cheat. Cheating is fun and exciting and she found someone to do it with for 12 years. In only 2 hours after learning about the affair you addressed these issues, proving all she had to do was speak up. Cheaters would have you believe that being a mind reader is a requirement of being a good spouse.
> The big question is, with the marriage having been dead for 12 years, and the children grown, why did you even want to get back together with her? Since you can never really ever trust her again, why not just start with someone new that you can trust? Yes you both can work at it, but why bother when almost anyone would be better without the baggage of the 12 years of total betray? I honestly do not understand.


It's ok. For this to work for us, you don't have to understand.


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## TRy

bestblu1 said:


> It's ok. For this to work for us, you don't have to understand.


 I understand. Sorry if i offended. You are 100% percent responsible for your own happiness, and you get that. Be well and good luck.


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## xena74

Best Blu, gotta tell you, you are the reason I am here. When my husband and I were going through a bad time he found your story. He shared the link and things started to change between us. Your story saved my marriage. We both learned alot from reading your journey. I just wanted to say thanks.


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## Tall Average Guy

bestblu1 said:


> It seems that because I don't reveal every thought of precaution that goes through my head, those who prefer to be skeptical "assume" that I am unaware and naive.
> 
> The whole point of my story is that we are successfully reconciling. That is the most important part of our experience. She screwed up big time and she knows it. She is doing everything she can possibly do to be accountable and earn my trust. That's good enough for me.


But if your purpose is to help others, to serve as a model, then providing those details is essential. People looking for a successful reconciliation need to know the hard work involved. They need to know the blood, sweat and tears that contributed to this happy ending. They need to know that certain behaviors, like checking up on your wife, are normal and a part of the process.

To point to the "happy, fairy tale ending" without noting the real life warts that remains and were part of the process, may well do a disservice to those looking to R.


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## bestblu1

Tall Average Guy said:


> But if your purpose is to help others, to serve as a model, then providing those details is essential. People looking for a successful reconciliation need to know the hard work involved. They need to know the blood, sweat and tears that contributed to this happy ending. They need to know that certain behaviors, like checking up on your wife, are normal and a part of the process.
> 
> To point to the "happy, fairy tale ending" without noting the real life warts that remains and were part of the process, may well do a disservice to those looking to R.


Your point is well taken and I have tried to do that. I feel that I have revealed a lot of the struggle. I think that sometimes people "gloss" over the story and only get what they want from the story. I think that if you read my entire thread, I have described a lot of the "pain" and "doubts" I have experienced. I would almost need to write a book to make the whole story more understandable. 

And to TRy I wish to say that you did not offend me and I appreciate your apology. It's just that sometimes I don't know how to describe the emotions of it all any more clearly .


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## bestblu1

xena74 said:


> Best Blu, gotta tell you, you are the reason I am here. When my husband and I were going through a bad time he found your story. He shared the link and things started to change between us. Your story saved my marriage. We both learned alot from reading your journey. I just wanted to say thanks.


I am so glad that anything that I have written has helped you. It's humbling to me to hear you say that.


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## bestblu1

JB100 said:


> *Best Blu, *
> 
> Thanks for your story and I am glad you shared it with us. I just have a few quick questions:
> 
> 1.) It was a 12 year affair but what does that entail? * How often did they meet during those 12 years? Was it a weekly thing, a monthly thing, once a year, etc. * I ask this because if it was a very frequent occurrence, I just don't know what to say...
> 
> 2.) How old were you guys when you married? And what are your ages now?
> 
> 3) Was there a great income disparity between you two? As in did you earn more than her?
> 
> Thanks again!


There were times when they met several times a month. There were also periods (he moved out of state) when they met several times a year. In my mind now, once in 12 years would have been too much.

When we married I was 21 and she was 19. I am now 58 and she is 57. We are both pretty fit for our age. She is still attractive and looks more like she is in her 40's.

She has not always worked, but I have always been the higher income earner and worked pretty hard.


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## anonymouskitty

Reading your post I kinda feel like you Rugswept the entire issue, what do you have to say about that?


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## MattMatt

anonymouskitty said:


> Reading your post I kinda feel like you Rugswept the entire issue, what do you have to say about that?


I'm not sure he did. I think he moved the rug and swept all the dust out of the house.

I hope his wife will be able to return his love, forgiveness and respect 10 fold.


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## anonymouskitty

I hope so too Matt


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## MAP

Retribution said:


> The problems I have with this idea that the faithful partner is somehow responsible, is sometimes the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong. They're just married to a jerk. Also, by this logic that the problems in a marriage cause the unfaithful spouse to cheat and the faithful spouse to be partially responsible, then all marriages should have infidelity as a problem as well, because every marriage has problems. The very fact that many marriages don't have the pain of infidelity poisoning the relationship tells me that we as humans have our own choices to make and be responsible for, and that we do not need infidelity to "make our relationship stronger". The person who cheated caused the infidelity, not the faithful spouse. By this former logic then I too should be able to go have an affair, and say that she drove me to it. It's simply not true. If the faithful spouse actually got to choose any of the infidelity then infidelity wouldn't be the problem that it is. Infidelity was the sole choice of the unfaithful spouse and their affair partner. Nobody else can or should take the responsiblility for that. Further I cannot believe that infidelity is simply a symptom of a bigger problem. Problems don't come much bigger than somebody having sex with another who isn't their spouse. I'd rather be murdered, because at least then I'd be dead and no longer able feel the pain of the crime against me.
> 
> The problem that infidelity happens lies in the broken promise. When you married it wasn't, "I'll be faithful to you and none other, unless I feel that you're not being a good enough spouse, then I can go sex up anybody who's interested." Character matters when it's the hard thing to do. Just because your relationship was crap doesn't give one reason/excuse/justification/motivation for infidelty. Those parts all lie in the cheater, not the faithful spouse. If you truly love somebody then fight for them, and don't do anything that could hurt them as deeply as infidelity.


I am glad you posted this. I also agreed with a post above regarding responsibility that some faithful partners may have. For myself, I recognize how my actions and/or inactions left my spouse and marriage susceptible to an EA/PA, but that does not excuse the infidelity. 

In any event, your post reminds me that affairs can happen when the faithful spouse did nothing wrong.


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## ireallylike

bestblu1 said:


> *My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.*
> 
> In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
> 
> If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
> 
> I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.


What i'm seeing here is a woman that is reaching an age where sex, due to hormonal reasons has began to be less interesting and she realized that she was putting in jeopardy the "grow old together" fantasy.

Come on... 12 years of cheating and all of the sudden a light was turned on? 

Quite honestly, i think your in an emotional state i like to equate to the ruined poker player. He keeps throwing money at the table in hopes his luck changes because he has lost almost everything.

You invested so much in your relationship of 30 years that you now have a very hard time just ending it. Your wife played you exactly the right way. With the vomiting scene and all...

But in case i'm wrong congrats... Each one of us has the right to seek happiness in whatever shape it may come.


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## bestblu1

ireallylike said:


> What i'm seeing here is a woman that is reaching an age where sex, due to hormonal reasons has began to be less interesting and she realized that she was putting in jeopardy the "grow old together" fantasy.
> 
> Come on... 12 years of cheating and all of the sudden a light was turned on?
> 
> Quite honestly, i think your in an emotional state i like to equate to the ruined poker player. He keeps throwing money at the table in hopes his luck changes because he has lost almost everything.
> 
> You invested so much in your relationship of 30 years that you now have a very hard time just ending it. Your wife played you exactly the right way. With the vomiting scene and all...
> 
> But in case i'm wrong congrats... Each one of us has the right to seek happiness in whatever shape it may come.


I'm almost embarrassed when I read my initial post that you quoted above. Now, looking back, it seems so naive and shallow.

In response to your post, I will address only your last statement. Yes, you are wrong and I humbly accept your congrats.


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## Cat3CatGirl

bestblu1 said:


> It's ok. For this to work for us, you don't have to understand.


I absolutely LOVE your response!!! I'm so happy that you two are doing well. I hope the success continues!


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## Tall Average Guy

bestblu1 said:


> Your point is well taken and I have tried to do that. I feel that I have revealed a lot of the struggle. I think that sometimes people "gloss" over the story and only get what they want from the story. I think that if you read my entire thread, I have described a lot of the "pain" and "doubts" I have experienced. I would almost need to write a book to make the whole story more understandable.


Perhaps my reading was biased by your title and first couple of posts, including where you had forgiven her within hours. It came across as too easy. That initial impression may well have colored how I read some of your later posts.

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in your marriage.


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## cheekygirl

Looking for your best of the best advice on how you handle such situation.


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## carpenoctem

*bestblue:*

First impression:
*your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'.* that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.

To me, it seems *you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. *well, to each his own.

*You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).*

Best of luck.


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## anonymouskitty

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *bestblue:*
> 
> First impression:
> *your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'.* that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.
> 
> To me, it seems *you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. *well, to each his own.
> 
> *You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).*
> 
> Best of luck.


:iagree: Spot on as always *carpenoctem*


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## swedish

anonymouskitty said:


> Reading your post I kinda feel like you Rugswept the entire issue, what do you have to say about that?


I'm curious why you feel that he rugswept? To me, rugsweeping is ignoring the issue & moving forward anyway. He made it clear that she would need to be transparent and rebuild trust. At some point, people can either move forward after infidelity or they cannot and if they cannot it's best to move on vs. to throw this back in their spouses face. Since he is able to move forward, IMO it would be counter-productive to keep re-hashing the affair.


----------



## anonymouskitty

> In my situation, I love my wife so much that I am willing to give her another chance. If you read one of my previous posts, you will remember how violently ill she became (she vomited several times) when she was confessing to me. She begged me not to leave her.
> 
> The more important aspect to me is the fact that I "emotionally mistreated" her for many years. I felt a certain amount of responsibility for pushing her "into his arms". I know this guy and I know now that he is an incredible manipulator. He knew exactly what to say to her to get her to give in to his advances. He said all the things that I never would (until now...better late than never). He made her feel appreciated more than I ever did. She told me these things without blaming me, but just to explain to me how it happened.





> After about an hour of crying and wailing (honestly I think the neighbors could hear me even though the doors and windows were closed), I decided I had to get out, drive around, collect myself, just do something.
> 
> I went into the garage and backed the car out. She came outside and asked me where I was going. I told her I didn't know I just needed to drive. She begged me to come along so I let her in the car and just started driving.
> 
> About three blocks down the road I said: "Don't think for a minute that you are going to blame me for any of this!"
> 
> It was quiet for a moment and she said: "So you don't think you have any responsibility in this?"



^This and a few other posts
With all due respect swedish,
I in no way wish to rehash the affair and I'm glad that he was able to reconcile and hope that he continues to have the marriage that he deserves. I'm merely asking this question from an academic point of view?

Swedish, mind if I ask you if you are a betrayed spouse or if you have ever dealt with infidelity directly? I am one and I wager *carpenoctem* is one too and we've hung around the CWI forum long enough to see patterns of behaviour emerge from many WSs and many BSs and the above behaviour exhibited by both bestblu and his wife merely interests me, as it conforms to the same behaviour that a BS in denial and WS who blameshifts exhibit.

 I realize that you are a mod and getting into an argument with you would bode ill for me but please understand that from experience I've learned that a BS who accepts blame for an affair and a WS who shifts blame of his/her affair onto the BS rarely acknowledges the trauma that a BS goes through because they rarely if ever show true remorse without which moving forward would only mean rugsweeping and going about with your daily life.

And to reiterate once again, I suspect that this is a forum and what makes it robust is the fact that we are free to have our queries answered if the OP chooses to do so and since I have in no way violated any forum rules I don't see how you can prevent me from "throwing their affair back into their faces" (yes he is free to ignore my question too) Wouldn't you agree Swedish?

Again if my comments hurt you in anyway bestblu, I humbly ask you to pardon me.And I think it would be good to have you on board there at the CWI section so that your experience can be shared among the people there


----------



## swedish

anonymouskitty said:


> Swedish, mind if I ask you if you are a betrayed spouse or if you have ever dealt with infidelity directly?


Yes, I am a betrayed spouse (EA moving toward a PA) and this is initially why I joined TAM several years ago. I'll refrain from rehashing my story as I don't wish to hi-jack this thread 



anonymouskitty said:


> I realize that you are a mod and getting into an argument with you would bode ill for me but please understand that from experience I've learned that a BS who accepts blame for an affair and a WS who shifts blame of his/her affair onto the BS rarely acknowledges the trauma that a BS goes through because they rarely if ever show true remorse without which moving forward would only mean rugsweeping and going about with your daily life.


I understand your point. In my case, while I don't believe my husband really understood the depth of the pain I felt, I did feel he was very remorseful and pained him to see me so hurt. However, talking about the state of our marriage at the time enabled us to build a stronger marriage going forward. I realize not all cases of infidelity are the same, but it seems bestblu1 & I both acknowledged that we contributed to the current state of our marriages. This in no way excuses infidelity, but rather focuses on the entire marriage as a whole, not just the infidelity, when working to rebuild.


anonymouskitty said:


> And to reiterate once again, I suspect that this is a forum and what makes it robust is the fact that we are free to have our queries answered if the OP chooses to do so and since I have in no way violated any forum rules I don't see how you can prevent me from "throwing their affair back into their faces" (yes he is free to ignore my question too) Wouldn't you agree Swedish?


I believe you may have mis-understood my post. By 'throwing the affair back in their face' I wasn't suggesting that _you_ were doing that. I was merely giving my opinion that at some point the BS needs to let it go. I have seen cases where the BS brings up an affair, years later, in an argument and that just isn't healthy for the marriage, IMO.

Just sharing my view...not trying to imply you posted anything in violation of the rules.


----------



## bestblu1

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *bestblue:*
> 
> First impression:
> *your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'.* that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.
> 
> To me, it seems *you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. *well, to each his own.
> 
> *You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).*
> 
> Best of luck.


Zigzag ,

I have considered your comments. Not quite sure what you mean because your artistic phrasing is a bit "over my head". But, I'm assuming you don't agree with how I have handled the situation up to this point.

I have discovered a trend with many (not all) of the skeptics who post (at least on this thread). There is a tendency to criticize but there is little in the way of constructive guidance.

So...my question to you (and to Anonymouskitty) is, what would you have me do at this point. If you could flip a switch in my head to get me to do the right thing, what would the right thing be ? After my wife begged me to forgive her, promised to be accountable, and has done so for 3 years (I know that I am naive for trusting her so let's leave my mental evaluation out of it,) I am not asking you by the way, to debate whether or not I have succeeded up to this point so let's not go there. But if you were my counselor and I was willing to do whatever you told me because of your reputation as the best counselor in my area, what would you have me do?

When you give me the answer, try to keep in mind that I'm a simple minded man with no education beyond high school and need to be communicated with in the simplest, most direct terms. And then, if you can, assure me in the most convincing and direct terms how secure my future happiness will be if I follow your guidance.


----------



## carpenoctem

bestblu1 said:


> Zigzag ,
> 
> I have considered your comments. Not quite sure what you mean because your artistic phrasing is a bit "over my head". But, I'm assuming you don't agree with how I have handled the situation up to this point.
> 
> I have discovered a trend with many (not all) of the skeptics who post (at least on this thread). There is a tendency to criticize but there is little in the way of constructive guidance.
> 
> So...my question to you (and to Anonymouskitty) is, what would you have me do at this point. If you could flip a switch in my head to get me to do the right thing, what would the right thing be ? After my wife begged me to forgive her, promised to be accountable, and has done so for 3 years (I know that I am naive for trusting her so let's leave my mental evaluation out of it,) I am not asking you by the way, to debate whether or not I have succeeded up to this point so let's not go there. But if you were my counselor and I was willing to do whatever you told me because of your reputation as the best counselor in my area, what would you have me do?
> 
> When you give me the answer, try to keep in mind that I'm a simple minded man with no education beyond high school and need to be communicated with in the simplest, most direct terms. And then, if you can, assure me in the most convincing and direct terms how secure my future happiness will be if I follow your guidance.



*Bestblu:*

*‘Zigzag’. *Ah. Well-deserved.


According to you, you have successfully reconciled in the manner you did (forgiving a 12-year affair in 2 hours, and reconciling from that moment on). And it has held well for the last 3 years. *That is truly an outstanding achievement.*

But the more prevalent occurrence (by all indications and general consensus by marriage counselors) is: the manner in which you began Reconciliation (‘rug-sweep’ as it is called) is *an almost sure-fire recipe *for False Reconciliation and repeat offenses (the WS restarting the last affair / starting new affairs).

*Hence, the caveats and comments and caution-calls.*





*Please note that your experience / achievement is an exception in this site (TAM), and very hard to emulate for most BS-WS teams.*

Still, your thread would have invoked a far less doubtful acceptance, if:
Your wife had told you voluntarily (before you discovered it) at SOME point in all these years… …
It was not SUCH long-term affair (12 years)… …
You did not deserve better (if you were a really abusive - emotionally or physically - husband / an incorrigible alcoholic / a philanderer yourself / a financially hyper-irresponsible father and husband – none of which you were)… …

And so on.




If 3 years have passed, I guess you can call your Reconciliation a renewed marriage itself.

*You made it, Sir. Your heart was / is big, and you got a big reward for it – from your WS, and Providence itself.*

Unfortunately, most people who show big-heartedness in today’s world *(especially in matters of man-woman relationships), not only do not receive any rewards, but often end up having to pay a painful price.*

TAM is littered with such stories. And, standing amidst the rubbles of so many shattered lives, one tends to get a little skeptical about the whole scheme of marriage and reconciliation and all that. Especially when there are startlingly unusual patterns (such as in your case).

*Please remember that YOU ARE AN EXCEPTION.*


*Congratulations.*


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## anonymouskitty

Best, we're not criticizing you or your marriage, all we want to know is what you did apart from checking on her and having time for each other?

Are you still checking on her and regularly?

Does she still believe that you share responsibility in her cheating?

I only ask this because I myself have reconciled with my fWW and her affair lasted 11 months, seven of those being physical and thus can understand your pain brother, but does your wife understand your pain too? 

Because there is a lot of difference between someone being ashamed and regretful about their affair and someone who is remorseful and by what I've read on your thread though your wife seems regretful. she doesn't appear to be remorseful.

Did you have healthy boundaries in place? Boundaries you expect her not to cross?

How did she deal with your post affair anger? Because all the posts from you so far has indicated that you hardly ever concentrated on the anger.

And lastly would you say you're a conflict avoider or do you face it head on? Please think hard before you answer that question.

And lastly I do wish to congratulate you on your successful reconciliation and wish you continued success and happiness


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## Mr Blunt

After reading your title and just a few of your first words I admit I was skeptical. Now I have read all your responses and now I am convinced of the following:


1	That you are totally honest in your posts
2	You have a very clear understanding of what has transpired
3	You express your crises very well
4	You were a fairly balanced man in body, mind, and spirit even before the crises
5	In the beginning you had supernatural guidance even though you may not have been aware of that.
6	You took many actions that were so vital to you restoring your relationship with your wife.
7	Your humility before God is so encouraging (your giving God His credit is very noticeable)
8	Your faith in God is real
9	Your obedience to God is proof that you are a Godly man
10	You and your wife are a success in one of the greatest battles in all of life!

That is my top 10 list for now.


Keep telling your story my brother even if the negative comments keep coming. *The bottom line is that you and your wife are WINNERS! That tells the whole story.*


PS I have no doubt that your wife is a child of God


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## bestblu1

anonymouskitty said:


> Best, we're not criticizing you or your marriage, all we want to know is what you did apart from checking on her and having time for each other?
> 
> Are you still checking on her and regularly?
> 
> Does she still believe that you share responsibility in her cheating?
> 
> I only ask this because I myself have reconciled with my fWW and her affair lasted 11 months, seven of those being physical and thus can understand your pain brother, but does your wife understand your pain too?
> 
> Because there is a lot of difference between someone being ashamed and regretful about their affair and someone who is remorseful and by what I've read on your thread though your wife seems regretful. she doesn't appear to be remorseful.
> 
> Did you have healthy boundaries in place? Boundaries you expect her not to cross?
> 
> How did she deal with your post affair anger? Because all the posts from you so far has indicated that you hardly ever concentrated on the anger.
> 
> And lastly would you say you're a conflict avoider or do you face it head on? Please think hard before you answer that question.
> 
> And lastly I do wish to congratulate you on your successful reconciliation and wish you continued success and happiness


The best way I can think of to describe our success is to talk about the way we both responded to my discovery. First of all, I have read many other stories of infidelity on TAM. It seems that in almost every account, the cheating spouse maintained a certain amount of defiance or at least denial about their guilt. My wife never fought me. She never insisted on maintaining even the slightest degree of contact with the other guy. She never objected to my insistence that she change her phone number, cut off all contact, and never ever communicate with him again. She did not insist that she still had feelings for him and agreed, in fact she suggested an accountability level that was never there before. She asked my forgiveness many times and never tried to justify what she had done. She agreed wholeheartedly when I asked her to get counseling and followed through completely. 

If she had been working with this guy, I would have insisted that she quit her job. If we lived in the same neighborhood I would have sold our house and would have been suspicious of her if she did not agree with me. I demanded a complete change in our lifestyle and she did not resist. In fact she agreed with me. 

We quit working out at the local gym because of the possibility of meeting other people of the opposite sex. We began to work out together at home instead. I changed jobs (and took a substantial cut in pay) so that we could spend more time together. We had to change our lifestyle financially. She was in agreement with all of this.

I have read many stories where the cheating spouse continued to show suspicious activities and attempt to cover up their ongoing contact with the other person. Let me make it very clear that I would never allow myself to be put through that kind of ongoing abuse. I made it clear to her that I will not go through that kind of cover up again. Never. If my wife contacted him one more time it would be over. No exceptions. I am convinced that she completely understands and believes my resolve about this. Even as I right this, I can feel my emotions rising up. It angers me when I read stories of people who continue to allow their spouse to engage in suspicious activities and try to cover them up, even after they have been discovered as a cheater. I am not the guy that will sit home while my wife is out with her girlfriend, waiting and wondering if she is cheating on me again. Our story would have a completely different outcome if my wife had been that person. I would now be living the life of a single man. I was burnt once and forgave and accepted her back.

In making all of these changes I was very determined, but I was not dictatorial about it. I explained to her that this was what we needed to do to rebuild our marriage.

You asked how I dealt with the anger. I was never really extremely angry with her. My grief was so overpowering. I did not try to hold it in. The day she told me, she was afraid I would be angry and violent. Before I got home from work that day, she hid my handgun because she was unsure how I would react. The funny thing is, after she told me, and saw my response I think she was shocked. I did not display anger. I fell apart. At one point I fell down on the ottoman in our family room and wailed so loud that I think the neighbors could have heard me. I couldn't control my emotional pain. It hurt so bad that anger had no place at that time. When she saw how I reacted, I think it disarmed her completely. She began to cry and hyperventilate and even throw up. I never really displayed any anger toward her. I was just hurt beyond words.

When I saw how she was affected, even in my pain, I began to be concerned for her. I ran upstairs to hide my gun so that she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. That's when I discovered that she had already hidden it from me.

As those early days passed however, I did have incredible anger toward the other guy. At times I felt I would lose my mind if I did not do something to him to relieve the anger. I would fantasize about beating him and doing all kinds of horrible things to him. This was a man who had befriended me to the point of suggesting to my wife that I help him get a job with our company. I got him the job. I trained him for the job. I encouraged him when he was struggling at the job. He eventually succeeded and took a manager job that I turned down and then became my boss. Then he micro-managed me and all the time he was sleeping with my wife. I thought about all these things a lot. I was crazy with rage at times.

I knew however that there are many people in my life depending on me. Not just my wife. We have three wonderful kids and at the time we had a beautiful grandson with no father (we now have a total of four grandkids that I absolutely adore). How could I do something stupid that would not just take away my freedom for the rest of my life, but possible ruin the lives of so many people who looked up to me. I learned how to deal with the anger. I prayed and forgave the guy. It helped but didn't completely free me from moments of wanting to do something bad to him. But I can honestly say that feelings of hate and anger toward him are now gone. I understand that he could not have done it without her cooperation. 

This is getting to be a very long post so I will wrap it up for now. I hope that it gives you a little better picture of our situation.


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## karann

I will tell just share and adjust.


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## loveisforever

It is very nice of you to take your wife back. But for the sake of responsibility, justice, and considering the human nature, it is natural outcome to let her go anyway. Your case is an exception that parallels with the fact that some criminals can be changed into good person by self remorse after being caught without punishment. It is really nice to get everyone happy with forgiveness and forgetfulness. It just does not work all the time , or most of the time. Your story is encouraging for the cheaters.


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## loveisforever

By the way, I admire you very much for how you contain your anger.


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## bestblu1

loveisforever said:


> It is very nice of you to take your wife back. But for the sake of responsibility, justice, and considering the human nature, it is natural outcome to let her go anyway. Your case is an exception that parallels with the fact that some criminals can be changed into good person by self remorse after being caught without punishment. It is really nice to get everyone happy with forgiveness and forgetfulness. It just does not work all the time , or most of the time. Your story is encouraging for the cheaters.


You are absolutely correct that it doesn't work all the time. But it does work sometimes. Nowhere in my thread have I ever suggested that our results would or could be the same for every situation. However I do believe that for those situations where both parties truly want it to work out, it is possible. There are plenty of stories of failure on this forum. Nothing wrong with one or two stories of success. And by the way, success is relative to your situation. For some betrayed parties success may be successfully moving on from a relationship where the cheating spouse does not want to change. For some it is reconciliation and rebuilding of the marriage. 

I will continue to try to tell our story in a way that doesn't appear to be an attempt to "make everyone happy with forgiveness and forgetfulness". There is a lot of forgiveness in my situation but I will never forget, nor will my wife. That is not possible.

I disagree with your assessment that my story encourages cheaters to cheat. In my case, forgiveness has encouraged my wife to change. Cheaters don't really need encouragement to cheat do they? Judgement and unforgiveness on the other hand can keep people from changing. 

Here is an account from the New Testament that explains how I view forgiveness:
_*
John 8:1-11

"1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”*_

True, some will not change no matter what. But I believe the chance of them changing is greater if they feel truly forgiven. And if they don't change, that's on them not the person that forgives them.


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## Mr Blunt

Bestblu1

*You are a man of wisdom!!

You and your wife are also succeeding in one of the greatest spiritual and relationship tests in all of life.*
Three cheers for Bestblu1 and his wife!

For those of you that see something wrong with Bestblu1 and his wife's sucess, I can only guess that your circumstances are different or you and your lover do not have the grace and forgiveness that Bestblu1 has.

It is refreshing to see winners like Bestblu1 post because I see too many of the other kind.


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## loveisforever

Thank you BestBlu1 for your reply. I know your story is true and I respect both you and your wife to pull off such a difficult situation. 

I see you truly love your wife very much all the way. Everybody is imperfect and all our marriages are imperfect in many ways. Sometimes we do not face up our problems until the last minute. I personally did not act on my best judgement millions of times just because I did not have enough confidence and strength to act on it. 

I respect you not only for your confidence and strength to have a successful reconciliation, but also have the confidence and strength to share with us openly and welcome the challenge with it. 

That being said, I think ideally the reconciliation should be done out of the frame of marriage as your old marriage was dead and the current one needs time to evolve into a real meaning of marriage.


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## Torrivien

Hi Bestblu.
I just finished reading the whole thread and I am really glad I did.
I chose to leave my wife and get divorce because she was immature and inconsiderate. But you made me realize something that I didn't for quite some time.
I was more in love with my marriage than I was with her, thinking that if I did good to my marriage she would do the same. It was a big mistake as she only used my effors to get pampered and emotionally spoiled.

I really appreciate the evolution of your marriage maturity and how you managed to keep the same hopeful spirit for three years, it gives me hope myself.

I'm still in pain for the betrayal but I see clearer now. A working marriage takes two willing parties and one can't supply enough efforts to cover for the other.
Somehow, even you sticked with your wife (and I really believe you did good) it made me at peace with my decision to leave mine.
I would love to know more and more about your achievements as the days go by and wish you and your wife good luck.


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## JCD

I have read half of this thread so if this was covered somewhere else, please let me know.

I am not asking this to be trollish, but what exactly did your wife do.

You:

Bring her coffee

Gave her two months of sex

Forgave her without requiring any concessions from her

Clean up the house for her

Cater to whatever emotional needs she has


She:

Threw up

Said she was sorry

Took 10 sessions of counseling

(Voluntarily and without being accountable) Calls you when she says she leaves the house.

Agrees to answer any question you have...but you admit you don't ask questions which are too painful.

I think I am missing half the story. Mostly you are telling us what you are doing. When there is remorse and sorrow, 'I'm sorry' is all well and good, but there needs to be penance. A price, if you will, to show sincerity.

As an extreme example, Henry II, king of England, said some words which got an important priest called Becket killed. An 'oops, how did that happen' just didn't cut the mustard. He did a pilgramage to prove he was sorry which involved pain and humiliation.

Now, is that a proactive thing for a couple? Not always. I'm just wondering what I am missing from her side of the aisle since the story you are telling seems to show you doing much of the heavy lifting.

Granted, being under a microscope constantly can't be fun, but it seems like her penance as described is the MINIMUM for a WS (total transparency, cut off all contact, accountable for where you are etc)


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## bestblu1

JCD

I'm curious as to what type of penance you advise would be acceptable? It's a serious question.

Bestblu1


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## JCD

That is a damned difficult one. 'What we gain cheaply, we esteem too lightly.'

When my dad was footing the college bill, I wasn't doing my finest. When I had to pony up the cash, suddenly it got a LOT more real for me.

If the other man was married, than she should have had to tell the other man's wife at a minimum, both to feel her share of shame, to see the hurt she caused in the other couple and to warn the other woman about what kind of jack hole she is married to. But he might be single. Discussing the supposed 'blackmail' to some of his family members might also be in order. Could she file charges? What is the statue of limitations? How about giving that to her as a research project? The prospect of that action would be humiliating to her (even if you do not decide to pull that trigger) but it is a very symbolic choice in who and what she values. 

Letting him go scott free is repulsive. Does he have a girlfriend? Would you like YOUR daughter to date a guy like that without a warning?

Admiting it to family members seems to be in order. After all, your relationship has taken a toll and now you look like an ogre, micro managing her life. If nothing else, the kids et al will wonder why she is religiously calling you any time the sunlight hits her face. 

As a matter of fairness, she should bear her part of the burden of responsibility. Yes, you damaged the marriage too. Good! You manned up to that and you are, I'm sure, willing to admit it to all and sundry. Has she been able to sweep her culpability under the rug? This isn't about shaming and after a couple of years, if she hasn't done it, the 'sting' will go out of her revelation...but it is still symbolic and significant. 

I am not suggesting taking an add out in a newspaper. And it could be she has already done this, in which case it IS a form of penance.

If you think this sounds too harsh for her, why? The revelation of 12 years of infidelity must have been harsh on you.


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## bestblu1

JCD said:


> That is a damned difficult one. 'What we gain cheaply, we esteem too lightly.'
> 
> When my dad was footing the college bill, I wasn't doing my finest. When I had to pony up the cash, suddenly it got a LOT more real for me.
> 
> If the other man was married, than she should have had to tell the other man's wife at a minimum, both to feel her share of shame, to see the hurt she caused in the other couple and to warn the other woman about what kind of jack hole she is married to. But he might be single. Discussing the supposed 'blackmail' to some of his family members might also be in order. Could she file charges? What is the statue of limitations? How about giving that to her as a research project? The prospect of that action would be humiliating to her (even if you do not decide to pull that trigger) but it is a very symbolic choice in who and what she values.
> 
> Letting him go scott free is repulsive. Does he have a girlfriend? Would you like YOUR daughter to date a guy like that without a warning?
> 
> Admiting it to family members seems to be in order. After all, your relationship has taken a toll and now you look like an ogre, micro managing her life. If nothing else, the kids et al will wonder why she is religiously calling you any time the sunlight hits her face.
> 
> As a matter of fairness, she should bear her part of the burden of responsibility. Yes, you damaged the marriage too. Good! You manned up to that and you are, I'm sure, willing to admit it to all and sundry. Has she been able to sweep her culpability under the rug? This isn't about shaming and after a couple of years, if she hasn't done it, the 'sting' will go out of her revelation...but it is still symbolic and significant.
> 
> I am not suggesting taking an add out in a newspaper. And it could be she has already done this, in which case it IS a form of penance.
> 
> If you think this sounds too harsh for her, why? The revelation of 12 years of infidelity must have been harsh on you.


His wife knew before I did. He has a history of infidelity with many others. She (his wife) revealed the affair to me...and my kids...by personal messaging on facebook. My wife has since talked to each of our kids and apologized to them.

Our kids are grown and married with kids of their own. 

The blackmail thing can not be proven and would not make that much difference anyway. Besides that, he has pretty much been deserted by his wife and kids.

Our discussions about who is responsible for this have centered on her choice and involvement much more than my shortcomings as a husband. She is well aware of her wrong doing and that she had ample opportunities to get out of the relationship with him.

I suppose that if my goal was to make my wife pay for her affair in a greater way, I could. But what is the point of that. She is sorry for what she did. We have a new marriage. Our old relationship died 3 years ago. I am living with a new woman and she with a new man. 

The bottom line is that no one is really able to completely pay for their sins. I know I certainly can't...can you? What can you do to completely make right every wrong you have ever done? Honestly. Remorse and forgiveness are in order.


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## TheHappyGuy

You're a good man. I think you have an amazingly healthy attitude towards life. It's just a pity you need the illusion of being loved by a fictitious construct to pull through all this. This makes me wonder - is there a rational approach to that? 

I think cheating and being cheated on is so common, it's not funny. Statistically I think it's 3 in 4 marriage where that happens. It is just a fact that in a long monogamous relationship the sexual attraction fades somewhat over time and the 'chasing' or being chased by someone and experiencing physical attraction from someone other than your partner is much more exciting. This probably relates more to ONS rather than long term affairs but nonetheless. 

I'm amazed how quickly people on this forum encourage others to spy on the partners at the slightest suspicion, install cameras, keyloggers, etc. rather than seeing forgiveness and moving on as a real option. 

Marriage is hard work and constant adjusting. Someone who isn't prepared to put the effort in will ultimately fail for some reason or other. 

I applaud you for trying to make it work.:smthumbup:


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## Mr Blunt

> Bestblu1
> The bottom line is that no one is really able to completely pay for their sins. I know I certainly can't...can you? What can you do to completely make right every wrong you have ever done? Honestly. Remorse and forgiveness are in order.



Not only is bestblu1 showing his wisdom with his statements above,; he is proving his talk by his walk. His actions prove that he is serious about forgiveness. 

*He will be blessed for that![/*COLOR]


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## hrtbkngrl

Thank you for your continued postings bestblu1. It is so refreshing to hear your story. I am hopeful that what I am doing, what we have been doing since I found out in May is the right thing for us. As you say, the pain and hurt and thoughts are all still there, but it's what you choose to do with them. I love my husband and therefore made a conscious effort to forgive and begin to trust again (his affair was a year long). I did not believe our relationship would survive if I stayed in limbo as I did with my anger and grief. However, if he had not made the steps to show me how sorry he was and that he really loves me this wouldn't work either. I am glad to hear that this *can be done.*


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## TroubledSexLife

I wish you luck bestblu. This is a traumatic experience.


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## tonyarz

My first wife and I lasted 8 years. I never got over the pain and ended up sleeping with every woman I could find. Married or otherwise. I ended up ruining many families including mine. I am now married to my high school sweetheart. We have been married 12 years.


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## Sara8

bestblu1 said:


> You asked how I dealt with the anger. I was never really extremely angry with her. My grief was so overpowering. I did not try to hold it in. The day she told me, she was afraid I would be angry and violent. Before I got home from work that day, she hid my handgun because she was unsure how I would react. The funny thing is, after she told me, and saw my response I think she was shocked. I did not display anger. I fell apart. At one point I fell down on the ottoman in our family room and wailed so loud that I think the neighbors could have heard me. I couldn't control my emotional pain. It hurt so bad that anger had no place at that time. When she saw how I reacted, I think it disarmed her completely. She began to cry and hyperventilate and even throw up. I never really displayed any anger toward her. I was just hurt beyond words.


This part scares me for you.

Several counselors I talked to told my STBEH that it would be abnormal for a BS to not hold resentment and anger for the betrayal. It will always be there.

They said the BS may be in denial but at some point the resentment needs to be recognized before the person can truly recover.


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## indiecat

I have seen that men can be very good at seeing their part in these situations. It's very impressive and big of them.


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## tonyarz

yeah. That is great that you guys were able to get over that. I just don't see how in my first marriage that this could have happened. I wasn't happy about my wife dating and having sex with another man while we were married. I just couldn't ever see myself saying " I love you honey and that was awesome that you made love to another man while we were married, high five". lol


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## loveisforever

The important factors in this successful R: 

1.	Personality. Both has a weak, people-pleasing personality. Both had poor personal boundary in the past. Both need each other in life.
2.	Age. Both more Mature.
3.	Length of Infidelity. WW lost illusion after 12 years. BS can forgive 12 years. 

What is the option for WW? She wants to go back to old marriage after the boring infidelity. The heat already disappears. It is the OM who is drag the affair and she has a too weak personality to end it.

What is the option for BS? He just can not leave WW. BS never seriously consider divorce in the R anyway. 

The deciding factor is WW. WW has too much empathy and easily lost herself in other's would. OM has a a strong personality with narcissistic trait. WW was lured to and being captive in OM's world. BS finally waked up and rescue her. WW will stay in BS's world, too. She is not actually enjoy the affair at the end of it and lost the appetite. So WW want to stay, BS can not leave. Happy together again. 

Wish both of you can address your problems of boundary. Be strong. 

It is a successful R. Not everyone can repeat it, especially when one side enjoys the fair too much, or actively seeks it, or has a stubborn personality to resist any changes.The ages can be great help in this case. WW is over 50s, so the chance of another infidelity opportunity to come up for her is much smaller than, say, if she is in her 30s. 

PS: Although my analysis is cold, I do have a strong negative feeling for the OM. Wish him go to hell.


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## Bay

I understand the forgiving and still being able to be happy together part, but how did you really start to trust her again? I posted this morning about some issues I'm having with my husband who just returned from a deployment and can use some advice / impartial thoughts..


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