# I admire BS' who find out they have a WS and can recover



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I take my hat off to you.:smthumbup:

My position, as you know, was vastly different in that my wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me. And we did get back on track.

But accidentally finding out you are being betrayed? Makes me shiver a little bit.

But confessing to an affair? That's horrible too. And there I have been...


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You think it's better that your wife told you ahead of time that she was going to screw some other guy? 

I'm thinking it's no better or worse than finding out accidentally but worse than a WS who feels incredibly guilty about their transgression and admits it without first having been discovered.

But hey that's just me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You think it's better that your wife told you ahead of time that she was going to screw some other guy?
> 
> I'm thinking it's no better or worse than finding out accidentally but worse than a WS who feels incredibly guilty about their transgression and admits it without first having been discovered.
> 
> But hey that's just me.


That's from my perspective. Others will, of course, be different.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Mattmatt

your wife told you upfront.....and then proceeded to have an affair?.or did you stop her......

was she crying for help?

Sorry, i feel ignorant, i don't know your story.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Premeditated affair.

That's gotta be worse than one that just sort of happened completely spontaneous.

Even the law prosecutes premeditated murder with higher punishment.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I take my hat off to you.:smthumbup:
> 
> My position, as you know, was vastly different in that my wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me. And we did get back on track.
> 
> ...


And from my perspective had my husband told me he was going out to have an affair I would have likely been spending life in prison because he wouldn't have left the house, not alive anyway!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

:iagree::smthumbup:


LetDownNTX said:


> And from my perspective had my husband told me he was going out to have an affair I would have likely been spending life in prison because he wouldn't have left the house, not alive anyway!


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

All I can say is Wooooow!!!

They say love covers a multitude of sins, but that would be pushing it for me.

Just goes to show that all affairs and obstacles are unique with their own issues, perspectives, and solutions.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will need to get matt matt's story from him, but I think there were indescretions both ways---even tho, his may have been after hers------no matter I tooooo---would have told her, you wanna be with another man---don't ever come back to this hacienda, cuz you are gone, now and forever.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My ex wife made sure I could never recover. She never gave me the chance to consider R. Best thing she ever did for me in our marriage. I now have a great wife and my ex is still using and abusing herself and others.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Yeah I agree that premeditated is far worse....but then hell, my H had a ONS and tried to go back for more when sober, then had a 2nd ONS and tried to go back for more because it didn't work out quite like he'd hoped, and then he had ONS and tried to hook up again.....so i guess that is kind of premeditated....

Having said that, I didn't know about any of it as it was going on, until this last year,...if he'd come and told me upfront.....i'd likely have packed his bags and shown him the door without even a second of hesitation.

Actually all things considered, it probably would have been kinder of him to show his hand before he called the game!:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> So Mattmatt
> 
> your wife told you upfront.....and then proceeded to have an affair?.or did you stop her......
> 
> ...


Not crying for help, just wired differently. She is a high functioning Asperger and that's... interesting in a spouse...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You will need to get matt matt's story from him, but I think there were indescretions both ways---even tho, his may have been after hers------no matter I tooooo---would have told her, you wanna be with another man---don't ever come back to this hacienda, cuz you are gone, now and forever.


Yes, a weird story. However... oddly enough my wife is probably the most normal of the young ladies I dated. Seriously.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not crying for help, just wired differently. She is a high functioning Asperger and that's... interesting in a spouse...


But aren't cheaters wired differently?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

In a way, my ex was telling me she was going to have an affair too. It was very cryptic, and I didn't have a translation device, but in hindsight if I was armed with what I've learned about infidelity since, I woyld have noticed that she was screaming it at me.

She just didn't have the honor, courage or compassion to tell me straight or atleast attempt divorce, which is why reconciliation was never really an option.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I had no clue. Totally blindsided.

F'ng sucked.

Still trying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> But aren't cheaters wired differently?


No, but people, decent, ordinary people, can short-circuit, sometimes.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She put it on stress, I believed her untill I couldn't anymore.
Snooped the phone, then the PC... busted.

Incredible, unthinkable.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I agree MattMatt. I wish I had been warned. It still would have hurt like hell, but hey at least it would have been a heads up. Better than accidently finding out he brought a couple of phycos into our life.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

underwater2010 said:


> I agree MattMatt. I wish I had been warned. It still would have hurt like hell, but hey at least it would have been a heads up.


In retrospect... I was warned. Long before I knew she was cheating she confronted me with are marriage is broken, ILYBANILWY anymore. Me being the caring, fix-it, loving, husband assumed that I had lost her and tried to make it right. 

See the point... After spending years in IC and reading I know the signs were flashing for years.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I take my hat off to you.:smthumbup:
> 
> My position, as you know, was vastly different in that my wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me. And we did get back on track.
> 
> ...


I disagree. Neither R or D is right. 

Just because a WS is remorseful doesn't mean R should follow

R by itself with a betrayer isn't 'admirable' in any sense of the word with all the false Rs and cuckolds out there.

Its just that the BS wants to stay married to them. 

What I call admirable is True R with new boundaries and a new marriage being formed or having the self respect and courage to dump the cheater and move on to brighter days.

Plenty of people fail at both, so when people do either correctly, thats something I'll give a slow clap to.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I don't admire BS who either stay or go. I think of infidelity as a nuclear explosion that results in the survivors either trying to pick up the pieces and starting over or moving on. Nothing admirable in someone who makes a decision. 

My sympathies go to the ones who are left confused in the wake of infidelity, children.


MattMatt, when your wife announced her intentions to cheat on you, what was your response?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> I don't admire BS who either stay or go. I think of infidelity as a nuclear explosion that results in the survivors either trying to pick up the pieces and starting over or moving on. Nothing admirable in someone who makes a decision. I'm confused. Do you just mean that a person just does what they have to do, so no admiration necessary? I have not a clue. I would have to say I admire a BS who is able to move on with the hand that has been dealt to them and live a happy and productive life, be it staying in a broken marriage and repairing it or moving on to something new. Strength to not let others' poor decisons define you or keep you down is admirable. Strength to make that call and not dwell on things you cannot change is admirable. I think admiration should come from within.
> 
> My sympathies go to the ones who are left confused in the wake of infidelity, children. I agree.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I'm confused. Do you just mean that a person just does what they have to do, so no admiration necessary?


That is exactly what I mean. All these BS never asked for it. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing, given the situation they are in. I respect them and their strength but admiration is something I do not feel for them.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> That is exactly what I mean. All these BS never asked for it. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing, given the situation they are in. I respect them and their strength but admiration is something I do not feel for them.


Fair enough


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> That is exactly what I mean. All these BS never asked for it. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing, given the situation they are in. I respect them and their strength but admiration is something I do not feel for them.


M&M's situation was kinda different.
At least his WW was truethful,mine finally came clean after much prodding.
Admire? Maybe not.
Inspire? Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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