# Can't get it up for the wife



## Strongdespot (Dec 25, 2013)

Lately, I've been having a very difficult time enjoying sex with my wife. If I lose my erection during sex, she gets shocked, angry, and then indignant. Yesterday, I lost it even with Viagra, which freaked me out.

Thing is, I do get morning wood, and I do get hard in a relaxed setting, such as being on vacation. But the stress of sex with my wife is killing it for me - and I've always been the HD one.

I've already discussed this with her and it leads nowhere. Anyone else in this situation?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

No answer for you!! You say your piece works fine and even with Viagra you got soft, so what do you want us to say?

You obviously have to keep talking to your wife. Once you get performance anxiety you always have it imo.

I find Viagra always works I don't even have to be very excited and it works. IMO, the stuff is like crack though it's hard to have normal sex when you can have Viagra sex.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Strongdespot said:


> Lately, I've been having a very difficult time enjoying sex with my wife.


When did this problem start? What were the circumstances when you first started losing erections while having sex with your wife? Had you lost erections while masturbating as well, or just with your wife?



> If I lose my erection during sex, she gets shocked, angry, and then indignant. Yesterday, I lost it even with Viagra, which freaked me out.


Why is she shocked and angry? How have you explained it to her? Does she believe you lose erections because you aren't into her or aren't into having sex with her? Does she believe that this is a blood-flow problem or an attraction problem?



> Thing is, I do get morning wood, and I do get hard in a relaxed setting, such as being on vacation. But the stress of sex with my wife is killing it for me - and I've always been the HD one.


Was there some kind of stress with your wife when you first started losing erections? I can see how there would be stress now that these problems are more frequent and even Viagra isn't helping, but what caused the problem in the first place?



> I've already discussed this with her and it leads nowhere. ?


What have you said? What did she say?

I couldn't guess why she is getting angry unless she thinks you are doing something "wrong" like maybe masturbating to porn too often and can't get it up for her. Or if she thinks you've lost attraction to her because you're attracted to someone else. Or that you aren't being honest about something. 

The only thing that I could see getting irritated by is if you you just end the whole encounter when your erection fails. If she's gotten all worked up and then is left hanging without an orgasm, I could see her getting frustrated if that happens repeatedly. Is that what happens? If so, could you give her oral or use your hand or a vibrator to get her to orgasm during those times your erection falters?


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Its quite simple. At least it was for me. If any thought crept in my head that her presence was the result of duty or any notion she didnt want to be there, my erection was gone, even with the ed drugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need to talk with your doc, and possibly a therapist. And you need to set your wife straight. 
A woman cannot possibly know how demoralizing ED is, and how much more your self-esteem and soul can be crushed when the person you are intimate with, gets angry about the fact because they are personalizing it. It makes everything worse.

You can't act like a kicked puppy in this circumstance. 

Crazy as it sounds, we always talk about women needing to feel secure and safe to have sex. Well, surprise ... men do too.

I have had relationships end over this issue. So yeah, I can relate. 

Get some bloodwork done. Get your Testosterone level and PSA checked. Get your prostate checked. If you are on any medications, drink, smoke, are overweight, or not getting good sleep regularly, all of those can be factors in ED.

Make it clear to your wife that you are taking steps to address it. Talk to your wife. De-emphasize intercourse, or you getting of. Make sex about being close and being intimate rather than a hard on and an orgasm. 

I have basically changed my entire take on sex. Works for me. Has worked wonderfully with some partners. Others? Not so much. They don't last long.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I feel your pain my friend. 

Up until two years ago I could break rocks with my rod. Now? Phhbbbbbbbbbbtttttt. My little soldier laughs at Viagra, scoffs at Levitra and ignores Cialis. 

Go get checked by your doctor. A full workup: prostate, EKG, nuclear stress test, blood tests....everything. There might be an underlying medical problem you are not aware of that could be causing this.

Or maybe your wife is just a beotch?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I feel your pain my friend.
> 
> Up until two years ago I could break rocks with my rod. Now? Phhbbbbbbbbbbtttttt. My little soldier laughs at Viagra, scoffs at Levitra and ignores Cialis.
> 
> ...


With a beotch who doesnt really want you in there, it can be hard to maintain an erection.
My belief is you have a mental issue. Its like if the wife asls "will it stay hard"? And youll think the question.to youtself. If it stays hard it will be weakened, and if she asks again it will certainly go down. Nothing feels better than when.you know you pleasure them and they wamt you inside badly, if there is doubt theyd be excited to erect you orally or manually. It also feels better for a man to feel he is in control, if women take that we will hear of alot more and similar situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Strongdespot said:


> Lately, I've been having a very difficult time enjoying sex with my wife. If I lose my erection during sex, she gets shocked, angry, and then indignant. Yesterday, I lost it even with Viagra, which freaked me out.
> 
> Thing is, I do get morning wood, and I do get hard in a relaxed setting, such as being on vacation. But the stress of sex with my wife is killing it for me - and I've always been the HD one.
> 
> I've already discussed this with her and it leads nowhere. Anyone else in this situation?


Yes. May I ask your age? My DH is 43 works about 65 hrs a wk. and stress effects him the same way. That being said, I adore and love Dh very much. At first I reacted the same way as your wife. It might be difficult for a Dh to understand, but we take it personally even though it's not about us. Reassure her that you love her and her body.

That being said, a wife's support and understanding is CRUCIAL to staying connected and intimate. Do NOT feel guilty, this isn't a husband issue but a couple issue.

As women, we have been programmed that men are ALWAYS ready to have sex. It's a very false assumption but reinforced by our culture nonetheless.

Make the mornings couple time. Try to set your alarms earlier making love and then having coffee and a nice breakfast after, a great way to start your day!

Somehow the two of you HAVE to communicate about this. A sex therapist might help. The beauty of being married long enough is that both partners can struggle with their drive. A wife may have issues following childbirth and then menopause. A loving husband may have issues with stress or age. A very wise couple will come to terms with their sexual life as it changes over the years growing closer as a result. An even wiser couple will be able to find the unwelcoming changes humorous and be able to adapt to them...

Try to also find books that address this issue, it will also increase couple time if you read them together..

Good Luck


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Strongdespot said that he was/used to be the HD one in the marriage. What he doesnt say is if he still loves/connects with his wife.

I suspect his comment re being the HD one is the key as it infers that his wife is not as HD as him, maybe even LD.

Might be that he is, for whatever reason, simply no longer sexually aroused by his wife.

I get morning wood etc so I know my little soldier can still come to attention....just not when Sergeant Major Wife barks...'AttteeeenSHUN'!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

over20 said:


> Yes. May I ask your age? My DH is 43 works about 65 hrs a wk. and stress effects him the same way. That being said, I adore and love Dh very much. At first I reacted the same way as your wife. It might be difficult for a Dh to understand, but we take it personally even though it's not about us. Reassure her that you love her and her body.
> 
> That being said, a wife's support and understanding is CRUCIAL to staying connected and intimate. Do NOT feel guilty, this isn't a husband issue but a couple issue.
> 
> ...


Pretty much spot on there. I get tired of my wife giving me **** when it does not get hard fast enough for her. I tell her that I'm not in my 20s anymore (I'm 44), the days of her talking about sex and me getting an erection are long gone. It is also gone almost instantly if she starts complaining about what I'm doing of not doing in bed, or if I start to worry because she is taking longer than normal to orgasm. 

I belive it also reacts differently due to the few years of being near sexless my wife and I went through. she would frequently tease me about getting sex but rarely deliver. As a result I tell her my soldier refuses to come to attention until he is sure of some action. This makes her mad but I'm sure has some truth to it. 

If your wife is not behind you and supporting you 100% in this, nothing you do will matter. She needs to understand this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

You need to see a doctor and have a physical done. Very critical. I'm 42 and can cut glass with my tool. 
Things to look at are:
Over weight or smoker or both. 
Testosterone levels. 
You need to eat healthy
Physical conditioning is very helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Strongdespot said:


> Lately, I've been having a very difficult time enjoying sex with my wife. If I lose my erection during sex, she gets shocked, angry, and then indignant. Yesterday, I lost it even with Viagra, which freaked me out.
> 
> Thing is, I do get morning wood, and I do get hard in a relaxed setting, such as being on vacation. But the stress of sex with my wife is killing it for me - and I've always been the HD one.
> 
> I've already discussed this with her and it leads nowhere. Anyone else in this situation?


Ok.

This is pretty " normal" the older you get.
I have experienced it before during my mid 30's.
That's when I tried Cialis.
Cialis worked, but I wasn't ready just yet to rely totally on performance enhancers.
I realized that my problem was possibly mental.

First, she started complaining that it wasn't " hard" as it used to be. Then me getting afraid . Then the stress of work etc started affecting me. Then I began wanting to avoid sex because I felt I couldn't perform as well as I used to. Then panic set in whenever she initiated. Then halfway through sex,she'd complained and ask what's wrong.
Vicious cycle.

But I figured it was mental , because I was still having morning wood. The problem was stress, and an unhealthy lifestyle.


Have a visit to your doctor , make some adjustments to your lifestyle, exercise, diet , cut out smoking , less alcohol.

Most importantly, stop panicking and soon your erection would be back to full performance.

Another thing is that your wife can help by either giving you oral or using her hands , breasts on it ,whenever it starts going soft.
Sometimes just a change in stimulation is enough to get him hard and excited again.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I agree it is a pretty common problem. As everyone else has said -first make sure you are healthy. 

ED meds do not guarantee a boner. Performance anxiety is common I think. About in my mid forties I developed diabetes and started not getting automatic wood. Our typical session is 40 minutes or so and even with Viagra it is up and down a bit. That can be worked around though because even if it needs a couple of minutes to rest it will come back up.

Stopping missionary helped a lot. Now we always use the butterfly position and I find it to be very much better. 

The main thing is that your wife will need to help with this and not take it as an insult to her sexuality. You are simply getting older.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

I had this problem a couple of days ago. Mine is more mental as my GF and I are having other issues.

But just like you she blames me...gets upset....and thinks its all about here (hell everything else seems to be why not this??)

Its really tough when they do not understand and do nothing to help.

Sometimes you just need some extra stimulation. Could be with her hands, verbal, assurance. Ive explained it multiple times. Did not help on my end but it may on yours.

Sit her down and explain that its not her at all. This is a physical thing you can not control sometimes. Sometimes you just get a little numb and need some extra stimulation and explain to her how. If she has an open mind and deeply cares for you she will understand.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Tell your wife, you are hard in the mornings, so morning sex is way better than evening sex.

Tell her she is stressing you out and that's making you have performance issues.

This happened to me 2x in my 14 year marriage. I was stressed out from life, work and very tired. I felt horrible and not much like a man, My wifee didn't freak out and we had sex the next night. I also have issues getting it up when she only wanted sex 1x month....and I told her this. Use it or lose it I told her. After 5 love languages quiz together, we have sex about 3x week now.

I don't smoke, no alcohol, I'm very fit, I'm high sex drive HD, no illnesses either.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Stress can affect a man's performance as well. Perhaps some IC could help. Just on your own to talk about life and all the baggage that goes with it. Much of this can be mental.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

If you have always been the HD one, do you masturbates a lot? And assuming you are, is that working ok for you?

Also, does it depend what your wife does? Do some forms of stimulation work better than others?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Pretty much spot on there. I get tired of my wife giving me **** when it does not get hard fast enough for her. I tell her that I'm not in my 20s anymore (I'm 44), the days of her talking about sex and me getting an erection are long gone. It is also gone almost instantly if she starts complaining about what I'm doing of not doing in bed, or if I start to worry because she is taking longer than normal to orgasm.
> 
> I belive it also reacts differently due to the few years of being near sexless my wife and I went through. she would frequently tease me about getting sex but rarely deliver. As a result I tell her my soldier refuses to come to attention until he is sure of some action. This makes her mad but I'm sure has some truth to it.
> 
> ...



Does this mess with your self esteem as well? I know it does with my DH. I feel crushed when he gets so down on himself. 

I do know this as a result of the new changes he has become an AMAZING lover. He takes more time with foreplay, tender touches and words of affirmation. He always wants me to be completely satisfied. It's a big change from our 20's when I sometimes felt like I was an object to get off on. I certainly like this season a lot better. 

I have found that me giving him oral as foreplay helps a lot for him. Would your wife be able to do this for you?

I also will say DH is nervous what his 50's and older will hold for him


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Ok.
> 
> This is pretty " normal" the older you get.
> I have experienced it before during my mid 30's.
> ...


Wow....this has been DH and me. At first I thought it was me. I am older, body changes...etc. Once Dh convinced me it had nothing to do with me I was ready to listen and be supportive. I saw a new tender and vulnerable side to my Dh that I fell in love with. Once he felt me on his side and I didn't judge or ridicule or blame him he did feel more comfortable. It has brought us closer and WE haven't had any bad episodes in a long time. :smthumbup:


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

It is mental for men too. If my wife felt Unsatisfied or thought my performance was poor. It would hurt my ego and physic for sure. 
Do you try to focus on more foreplay? That may help. It gets you in the mood and the urge to give it to her anyway she wants. 
Try it. Learn as much as you can about foreplay. Your wife will love you for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Strongdespot said:


> Lately, I've been having a very difficult time enjoying sex with my wife. If I lose my erection during sex, she gets shocked, angry, and then indignant. Yesterday, I lost it even with Viagra, which freaked me out.
> 
> Thing is, I do get morning wood, and I do get hard in a relaxed setting, such as being on vacation. But the stress of sex with my wife is killing it for me - and I've always been the HD one.
> 
> I've already discussed this with her and it leads nowhere. Anyone else in this situation?


Been there. To some degree, still there. Wife and I had grown apart a lot, and then we had some bad times involving money, injury, porn on my part (no sex...). 

Then, we got back together, began communicating again, started remaking our commitment. Then... "it" happened. One, she admitted an infidelity - and two of my kids are not biologically mine, and the other, was that I wasn't in good health and was quite impotent. And she "lost it" repeatedly. You know, crying, wailing, angry, ranting tirade... Because I could not. I had invested every ounce of me into making our life work, and she threatened to leave over "it" not working. Really, there were other issues, but that's how it manifested itself. 

More than a year later, I STILL have a terrible time with things. If she initiates sex, I start to worry...and it's the self fulfilling worry. Mind you, if we can get past that, "it" works just fine. Otherwise, it's one boatload of anxiety, frustration, and so on. 

Really, it's time you and her had some deadly serious talking about what this does to and her. And no, I don't have the answer to "how" to get this across. I can't seem to do it myself.


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