# Old habits die hard...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

NOTE: This thread is a little complex...

I made a thread previously in regards to my lack of physical attraction to my wife despite others finding her beautiful. After some reflection...

I realised it's almost like I don't even allow myself sometimes to be attracted to her. It was also an issue of mine with my inability to give her verbal affirmation unless after sex, as I didn't allow myself to let the feelings flow so to speak, and I don't like to be dishonest to the woman I'm committed to. It's a subconscious problem, and part of my personality.

HISTORY (Don't bother reading if not interested... skip to "End of history"):

Before marriage I guess I've always been a bit of a natural player, with rather high standards. When I was a kid though I found it very challenging at first because the girls who liked me I didn't like and the girls who I liked didn't like me. Deep inside it seems I can actually be a very loving person, TOO loving I guess - during childhood.

But when I turned 12 however, due to a traumatic experience which pretty much changed my life, I hardened up a lot. Like 180 really. I was very cold, I developed a primitive system of morals to keep myself strong and sane during the crisis. People simply disgusted me, and I got involved with the wrong crowd. When I turned 16 I got involved with a casual relationship, losing my virginity with her. However we became closer then we wanted to be. Ironically we both had very similar morals, we were both f--ked in our head after traumas in our youth. Together we developed our own code of living, our own principles. And we played around a bit with each other's blood even.

Leaving her was due to circumstances beyond our control as it was simply too dangerous for us to stay together. But she remains always in my heart, even though the feelings now are just admiration, respect, and companionship, rather then love. However, in our time together, I learnt A TON, she was my first, and as I entered my adulthood, I had an arsenal of aces to play with.

Ironically... looking back, it seems the loving nature of that child who I once was has always been with me. The empathy, the sensitivity, the desire to love someone wholeheartedly despite the consequences, to cherish and love them. 

But instead, I used my gifts for my own benefit, as I was taught, as I always had to be after my naive childhood. I used empathy and sensitivity like a predator's sense of perfect timing to strike. The desire to love I channeled it during sex, as when there were no words spoken about it, no consequences of being accused of love. Over time, I learnt more and more, and finally embraced the challenges as opportunities. 

Notches in my belt reminded me what I'm capable of, which gave me a rather permanent confidence. However, after I conquered every single lady I had, I rejected them, and laughed at it. It seems to be related to my past as a kid, when I had no game. Kinda "getting even", childishly rather.

My ex kept me for quite a long time bceause she was the most ironically, possessive yet dangerously psycho chick I've met. I feared what she would do if I ever broke up with her. However, that didn't keep me. Because hey... Guess who turned up... my now wife.

She wasn't like my first, she was better. I never knew a woman like her could exist. But yes, INDEED... *at first I was not attracted to her physically.* However over time, she radiated a strength I have never seen. I can go ON and ON but yes, she was f--king incredible. And I found it SHOCKING that so many guys felt intimidated by her due to her rather f--ked up past.

I guess I really fell in love. And that made me blind to alot of things, not to mention myself. But as the honeymood period dies, and the fog is finally lifted... we... end up with ... issues  And I'm forced to face them in marriage.

END OF HISTORY....

I can see it as my fault... all of this. Player's rules, bubbles are asking to be popped... 100 guys crowd over the same woman, the woman follows that 1 guy who respects her space... sweet talk has a habit of embarrassing yourself, love = an embarrassment... random thoughts... oh hey, I'm a random dude 

Due to my past I've learnt to block out emotions as I see fit. I can switch from lover to hater in a minute. What my wife desires makes me feel uncomfortable, she wants me to shower her endlessly in lovey dovey farts of rainbow colored butterflies outta my anus. I can't do that crap, unless of course she depletes me.

Pride, hate, trauma, pain and I use humor to cover it all up. My wife however, after so many years, is no longer amused, and wants to crack my nut. I will NOT be one of those 100 guys that crowd over her. Yet being the guy who "respects her space", is being the guy who doesn't appreciate her beauty.

Yet... there's also racist reasons. The more I allow myself to fall for her the more I lose myself because we're in a f--king IR relationship. I still have my pride as someone who stands for my people, and the beauty of my own women... who unfortunately, lack the same strength as my wife which I find VERY embarrassing, disgusting, and VERY disappointing.

*sigh*
I've said this a hundred times times a hundred, the gods have a sick sense of humor putting me in this mess.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Dude, I think you overthink things too much. Everything gets broken down and over analyzed, making things complicated.

Marriage is all about trying to meet each others needs. Dismissing your spouses needs spells disaster.

Honestly, I think your main problem is YOUR racism. You sound very racist to me, like you think your wife's race is not equal to yours. There's nothing wrong with having pride in your heritage, but you need to see your wife as a person, not as a person of a different race.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, I do think too much, everyone tells me that, and it's true... yet, I can't help it when I get stuck. I just can't seem to forfill my wife's needs, but I'm not going to give up, there's ALWAYS a way. As pessimistic as I am against the world, I know that fact very well, and if I fail, it's always only because of my own incompetence.

As for her race, I don't care about equality or superiority or inferiority or whatever, it's just that she's not part of my people who are dying out. Keeping my culture alive takes a lot of sacrifices and I already failed in that one by falling in love with a woman who can NEVER be part of it.

To tell you the truth, if she had ever mentioned a negative comment about my people's women, to prove herself superior... I would have ditched her. Instead, she drilled it into my thick skull, "I'm not ****! I'm not ****! I'm ME!" Hell I don't think even she knows the effect of those words she said to me all those years ago.

*sigh*
I don't know what to do with myself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I've said this a hundred times times a hundred, the gods have a sick sense of humor putting me in this mess.


No, they don't have a sick sense of humor. Rather a disarmingly correct sense of what it is that YOU need in order to cause you to grow. And if working through conflict is what is needed for RandomDude to grow, then there you go! Order Up! One order of seeting conflict to RandomDude at Table 9! 

You do over-analyze. You just need to start embracing all of your issues and look at them from a different angle instead.

If your people's race and culture is dying out, then what OTHER things can you do to keep the culture alive that don't involve marrying and having a
child(ren) within that race/culture? There have to be so many things that you could do to positively promote/sustain your culture, to help it. Can you write literature in the original language (if there is one), can you open a museum of original artwork, can you educate current youngsters in schools around your country about the beauty and beliefs found in your culture, etc. etc. etc.

Why don't you start to concentrate on THOSE kinds of things instead of bemoaning about your wife?

Throw some of that energy and angst into something positive and tangible. Now get off your bu++ and do it.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RD, if you carry on over-thinking like this, you will go round and round in ever-decreasing circles and one night you are going to vanish up your own arse in a puff of smoke. This will be a great loss for all concerned. Stop doing it! Now! You've been told!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

You seem like an introvert (like me) that has not recognized you have spent too much time alone without meaningful human contact from others without an agenda.

IMO you need to lighten up. Get some friends and active hobbies and turn the brain off until your mental health stabilizes. 

1. Go volunteer for the needy for a bit
2. Stop thinking about all of lifes mysteries for a week
3. Go bowling, golfing, fishing, boating, toa comedy show, whatever

Geepers dude. Chill out.

and "my people dying out" you sure do take on a lot of responsibility. Why is that? 

Take a breath and then go have some fun. You despreately need to interact with some light hearted people and practice a little small talk. 

Ive been there. Trust your pal. RELAX, LAUGH. GET SOME SUN!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> If your people's race and culture is dying out, then what OTHER things can you do to keep the culture alive that don't involve marrying and having a child(ren) within that race/culture? There have to be so many things that you could do to positively promote/sustain your culture, to help it. Can you write literature in the original language (if there is one), can you open a museum of original artwork, can you educate current youngsters in schools around your country about the beauty and beliefs found in your culture, etc. etc. etc.


Our original language is dying, but there are a few folk who acknowledge its importance and has since recollected our tongue despite our people being seperated in 3 main countries. Our main problem is our lack of unity as we have many different opinions. 

I also dislike how we had to adopt buddhism, some consider it part of our culture but knowing what my father taught me, no, it simply isn't. To bring change it requires leaders we can all respect. Marrying my wife however, has destroyed any chance of me being part of that. It's already bad enough that I was born in a foreign country with my family's knowledge of our tongue being severely limited to minor conversations and using english words to replace what we have forgotten.

I don't know... I'm really stuck.



> and "my people dying out" you sure do take on a lot of responsibility. Why is that?


Because I believe my passion brings power and power brings responsibility to help my people. But they won't listen, and hell they all speak Russian. Anyways this is just one of many reasons I just can't seem to allow myself to relax with her, that and my own past.

It's starting to seem that my wife was a bit of a crab who I had to crack open and now she's doing the same to me trying to crack me open. She keeps trying to talk to me about it but I won't let her. I doubt she can really understand, both her cultures are nicely established and stable. Mine is struggling. And I don't think I can be completely open about my player habits either...

It's like serving a fantastic dish, why spoil it by revealing its secrets?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It seems to me that you have a fear of intimacy. Your wife has low self esteem and gravitated to you because deep down she doesn't think she deserves more (to get her needs met). But now that she has you, she wants more from you....but you are unable to give it to her because your childhood trauma taught you not to trust people and that being vulnerable means getting hurt. So you create ways to keep your wife at a distance. She's damaged, too, or else she would not have chosen you as her partner...someone who can't fulfill her needs. 

This is just my guess. Sadly, it's a pretty typical scenario.

How about getting some IC to process and move past your childhood trauma??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You think too much.

Just stop being a butthole.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> It seems to me that you have a fear of intimacy. Your wife has low self esteem and gravitated to you because deep down she doesn't think she deserves more (to get her needs met). But now that she has you, she wants more from you....


In the past before marriage it was much different, not perfect, but it was great. Her needs were never so demanding until marriage.



> but you are unable to give it to her because your childhood trauma taught you not to trust people and that being vulnerable means getting hurt. So you create ways to keep your wife at a distance.


And it seems to be fine until she starts trying to turn me inside out. Some walls in my opinion are essential.



> She's damaged, too, or else she would not have chosen you as her partner...someone who can't fulfill her needs.


Well if she wanted sex 3x a day / constant lovey dovey affection when we were just bf/gf then it would have given us both a hint of what she's really like and what I can really stand. Unfortunately we both didn't find out until much later, but personally I don't think it's the real her.

She used to enjoy the game as well rather then just the routine, and she was never so needy in the past. Bad things happened yes during our relationship to drive it downhill, and marriage didn't solve anything... so meh.



> This is just my guess. Sadly, it's a pretty typical scenario.
> 
> How about getting some IC to process and move past your childhood trauma??


Already on the IC but it's rather impossible to move past the trauma and what I learnt from the world unless I get a mindwipe. Counsellor just reckons I need to surround myself with good people and I have through my wife who pretty much controls our social circle since an incident years ago. But it doesn't seem to change me.


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