# Hurt beyond believe



## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

I just don't know where to turn. I feel so unloved anymore. I have been married for almost 27 years, got married when I was 18. We had our problems throughout the years, but it has really gotten bad as of late. We hardly have sex anymore. He has never really shown me affection, and only showed me affection when he wanted sex, but now that he doesn't want to have sex it is just horrible. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I don't want him sleeping in the same bed as me because I truly just want to hurt him. I feel like we have nothing left. We don't even talk anymore, and we used to be best friends. I don't know how it went so bad. I actually got his cell phone one day and heard a voice mail. Of course it was a woman saying...you were never going to leave your wife...blah, blah, blah. It really took me by surprise. He says he was just talking to her as a friend and I just do not believe this. After I got that call, I started talking to someone. Before anyone comes out with 2 wrongs don't make a right...I don't give a crap...at least it makes me feel better. He makes me feel wanted. And before anyone comes up with why don't u just leave him...it isn't that easy as I have no where to go. I just don't know which way to turn. I have only met this guy once and just for a few minutes. I know it is wrong, but I really don't think my marriage can be saved. I try to talk to him, but he pretty much ignores me. I would leave for a few days but like I said I have no where to go. Anyways, I really just needed to vent that is all.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Reading your post actually made me feel bad. I feel for you, I really do.

I'm married to a quiet man who doesn't express himself the way I would like and it does regularly hurt my feelings, but I try not to take it personally (I know, it's hard) and realize that it is simply who he is. And we're not having sex as often as I wish either - but this is due to mainly medical issues. Now, I haven't found any voicemails with women's voices on them - his phone is an open book and he doesn't call anyone except family and me - so I don't have that issue.

I've had to learn that "silence" does not equal rejection. A very hard thing for me as I like to chat - he doesn't - so even though he is silent, I know he loves me and its just who he is.

Is your husband the silent type? 

Have you asked him "why" you aren't having sex anymore? There might be a reason other than an affair.

I can empathize with you needing someone to lean on if your husband is not available, but, be careful - this could lead to an EA or a PA and if that's what you want, well...but if not, and you want to stay in your marriage, an EA or PA only complicates things and keeps you from really investing in the marriage.

Good luck!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Honey, I can understand where you are. I am serious. Although I am a man, I was where your husband is (maybe). After 24 years, my wife and I both became complacent in our relationship. I found out about her EA with another man and was devastated. Since it wasn't sexual (or so I thought), I thought that everything wasn't so bad. It was.
A few years later, we both strayed so far from each other that we nearly got divorced. We never really fought, neither of us thought that the other was worth the time.
I suggested counseling for the simple reason that we had 24 years of marriage and a few years before that invested in each other. I wanted us to make the right decision, whether we stayed together or not. My wife agreed and we learned so much about ourselves and why we were acting that way.
We have rediscovered our love for each other and it is so wonderful. The kids are out of the house now and we are truly able to enjoy each other again.
The only way to figure out where you are headed is to talk. You two have to talk to each other and likely get a therapist/counselor to point you in the right direction. My wife and I would never have been able to work this out on our own.
I swear, heavenleigh, your story sounds so much like mine it's eerie. If you want to pm me, I can give you more details, but would prefer not to publicly.
I hope that my story gives you hope and that you and your husband are able to work it out.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

It's obvious that you are not getting your needs met in the relationship. I'm really sorry. I know first hand how much that hurts. You have a big decision to make. If you really want to save your marriage and start getting your needs met inside the marriage, then you are going to have to do some hard work very soon. So will he. Have you told him exactly what you need from him? Or did you just expect him to figure it out? Did you think it was common sense? Did you think that maybe not all his needs are met either? It sounds like it from the voicemail. You have every right to be angry, but what you do with that anger will determine if you have a great marriage or end up in divorce. Using that anger as an excuse for an emotional affair will lead to divorce and more pain. If you use that anger instead as motivation to find a solution to repair your marriage, you will be happier. If you've tried to explain your needs to your husband and nothing happened, then you may not be explaining in a way that he can understand. Have you two considered marriage counseling? Have you sat him down and told him that you are concerned about your marriage, that you have noticed some things slipping away and you want them back? Have you asked him if his needs are being met or are you so eaten by anger that you only see what you're not getting at the moment? Did you sit him down and tell him that you love him and value your marriage and want to discuss trying some new things in the marriage to make things fun again, so that you can be that playful vivacious girl he married? Try and keep it positive about what you want to achieve and don't blame. Don't waste your time bothering with what he didn't do or you will never get what you want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...because he treats you poorly and MAY be cheating on you, and because you want him to continue to pay all your living expenses, you'll just commit adultery instead?

There are a lot of things you COULD be doing to repair your marriage. Cheating is not one of them.


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## dazedbeauty (Sep 25, 2010)

Okay, calm down. I think that jumping from one man to another is a BAD thing. You need to find out how you like YOUR eggs before going into another relationship, you've been cooking them for someone else for a long time! The thing is you've been with this guy for so long, you wouldn't know a bad guy if he wore a Zorro outfit on your first date! 
You have been very hurt too, you need time to heal and to learn to not be afraid of your own company. Any guy you get involved with now will only be a diversion, it won't last, so why bother? 

Looks like the nagging OW is right, he's not leaving you. Doesn't seem like he really wants to either, he's just desiring an different type of bed partner. This isn't good, so couseling would be good and if you can't afford it (like me) then try Amazon.com for some books on marriage. I get used books for dirt cheap there. 
Start out with Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. 
It's a wonderful book on getting yourself together emotionally and learning about why you do the things you do (good and bad). 
I know you are living in h3ll. I was there too once, and I made TONS of mistakes because no one was there to give me good advise. 
I don't know if there are children involved, but have you thought about sticking around and going to college, get a degree and good job, to secure your future? You said you had no where to go, you can prepare a future for yourself. 
Who knows, maybe hubby will turn around and get his head out of his a$$, and if not, then you at least can support yourself. 
Don't try any overnight fixes, there are none. 
db


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks for all your help in this matter. Of course I don't agree with Turnera because I do have a job. I work from home, and he does not pay all my living expenses. He has made most of the bills becaue of his toys (quad, new truck, new riding lawn mower, bow, guns, etc.) you don't even know the whole situation so don't judge me. Anyways, for the rest of you thanks so much for your help. It is people like you who reach out to others that restores my faith in people. I did take your advice up on getting counseling, and I am looking into that. We actually do have insurance coverage for that with a small copay. I am not sure he will go, but at least I can go to make myself sane again. Thanks for being there and answering me when I trully needed it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You said you have nowhere to go. I assume that translates into I have no money to go anywhere. If you earn your own money, you DO have somewhere to go - a hotel or an apartment. I'm not being rude. I'm asking you to be honest with us AND yourself. 

No matter how bad of a husband he is, it doesn't translate into giving you the right to cheat. As I said, there are other options, including leaving, as well as reading and learning about methods to repair marriages. LOTS of stuff out there on what you could be doing - rather than cheating. If you start looking.

Good job for getting into a counselor. He/she will help a lot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could also read books like Surviving an Affair so you can recognize the path you are heading down, with this other man.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Its totally possible for your marriage to rekindle - dont lose faith! all you need to know is if he is willing and wants to HELP you make it work - you cant fix it all alone and he is responsible for picking up the pieces too!
Focus on forgiveness and focus on bettering yourselves emotionally. One of the main destroyers of marriage is resentment!! if u two bury resentment and make peace in your hearts - then your "new" life and love together CAN be better than before!!! ask him what he needs to get to happy again and voice what you need. Then make some agreements on how each of you can help one another. Be a team but respect each others space. Keep up with counseling both together and seperate! i wish u the best of luck honey!!! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Take it from someone who's marriage did survive an affair. What you are engaging in with TOM is an emotional affair and it can be just as dangerous as a physical one. (And you know you are likely heading there.) As long as you are emotionally attached to TOM you will *never* recover your marriage or your feelings for your husband. This man is a fantasy. While neither of what you are doing or have done is the right direction for the marriage there is hope. Counseling will help but there will be a lot of work you will both need to do to become a happy couple and "best friends" again. But first you need to end all contact with TOM and he needs to do the same. Recovery can be long and difficult but all so worth it. It has been over 3 years since I discovered my wife's EA. It took a solid 2 years to fully right the ship and now we are happier than we have been in years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing you can do is snoop to see if he's cheating; if so, you can work to stop his affair, because he will never focus on you if he's got someone on the side (hint hint). Find out for sure. Keylogger, voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car, text records.

Another thing you can do, if you don't find evidence, is go to marriagebuilders.com and print out their Love Buster questionnaires. Both of you fill it out. Read his and learn what YOU do that makes him unhappy, so you can STOP doing those things! You can ask him to read yours (but you can't force him to). Eliminating the LBs is a huge first step toward having a loving marriage again.

Once you've spent a couple months eliminating those LB habits, ask him to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire; it'll tell you what his top 5 ENs are - things that YOU should be providing so he won't WANT or NEED to look elsewhere. 

These are subtle changes you can make, but they can have a huge impact on your life and marriage. 

Are you ready to give up the other guy and focus on fixing your marriage?


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