# Wife thinks about other men during sex



## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband? 
We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm. 
Thoughts?


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

As a 40 something woman, I can honestly say I have never thought of anyone else during sex with my partner. I am usually too distracted to think of anything really. 

Did she used to orgasm with you before the affair?

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

araffair said:


> Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
> Thoughts?


Amongst other things I think penis extenders are fake embellishments.


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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

Yes, she used to orgasm via intercourse before the affair.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I suspect that on some level she regrets the affair is over, when it came to her sexual needs.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Why don't you use your own appendage?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

araffair said:


> Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
> Thoughts?


This should probably be in the coping with infidelity section but your wife needs therapy with you.

Sex is a very mental sport. From your posts, her affair partner must have been larger than you in the penis department?

Are you in the average range? 

The reason I am asking is because if she had orgasms with you from PIV sex before her infidelity then she could have them now.

The vagina is a negative space that is very elastic otherwise having a baby would ruin sex for everyone out there!

Your wife has a mental /emotional problem do to her infidelity. 

I've never heard of a woman who has vaginal orgasms being unable to have them anymore because of different sized partners.

A woman who can orgasm from PIV alone can accommodate a very big penis and still orgasm from one of her fingers being inserted later.

I'm not convinced.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No I would never fantasise about another man during sex with my husband.How disrespectful that would be. Just him. Mind you I would never cheat either. 
Well done for having her back and being able to have sex with her again, I doubt I would or could if I were ever cheated on.


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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This should probably be in the coping with infidelity section but your wife needs therapy with you.
> 
> Sex is a very mental sport. From your posts, her affair partner must have been larger than you in the penis department?
> 
> ...


Yes, I am in the average range. 6" Long & 5.5" Circumference. I agree that it appears to be a mental thing with her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

araffair said:


> Yes, I am in the average range. 6" Long & 5.5" Circumference. I agree that it appears to be a mental thing with her.


You have more than enough.

Is therapy a possibility for you two?

How has your communication been?

Have you discussed this particular issue?

You said you have observed that she doesn't O but have you talked with her about this?


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

I don't think size matters to be honest. It really is what you do with it. I had one partner who was really big and I found it very uncomfortable. My husband is similar in size to you and its the best sex I have ever had. Its very rare that I orgasm though penetration alone. Its all the other stuff that gets me there! Penetration just pushes me over the edge. 

Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe more foreplay / afterplay?

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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You have more than enough.
> 
> Is therapy a possibility for you two?
> 
> ...


Yes, I have discussed this with her. She confirmed that she has not orgasmed from intercourse with me since her affair and she doesn't like talking about it because it puts more pressure on her. She said she doesn't care about the lack of PIV orgasms and it's not a big deal to her (which I find hard to believe).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

araffair said:


> Yes, I have discussed this with her. She confirmed that she has not orgasmed from intercourse with me since her affair and she doesn't like talking about it because it puts more pressure on her. She said she doesn't care about the lack of PIV orgasms and it's not a big deal to her (which I find hard to believe).


Well. I would say she deserves the pressure if she wants to work to repair the marriage she destroyed.

I'm surprised you haven't required more effort on her part to repair your marriage.

I don't personally settle for less than my wife's best and she deserves the same from me.

By her not repairing this issue and refusing to work on it, she is indeed keeping the other man firmly planted in your bed and coming between you two.

How did the infidelity come to light and how did it end?

You two got the son of a ***** out of her vagina now he needs to get out of her head!

Has she admitted to thinking about him during sex?

I believe she still is and that is the most likely the barrier between you two in bed.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mrs, has always done this. not every time but from time to time since our first year.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> araffair said:
> 
> 
> > Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> ...


My recently divorced friend was never able to have PIV orgasms with her husband, but could with a later sex partner. She said he was shaped differently.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RideofmyLife said:


> My recently divorced friend was never able to have PIV orgasms with her husband, but could with a later sex partner. She said he was shaped differently.


Not the same as OP.

He gave his wife PIV orgasms for 15 years and she had an affair for maybe 4 months.

Also, your friend might be more stimulated mentally as well by her partner. Not taking anything away from penis shape, fun subject, but men and women can orgasm without touching of any kind from a dream.

The orgasm response is triggered by a serious of nervous impulses sent to the brain and the brain sending signals back.

Brain dead corpses on life support are very difficult to get off! LOL!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Affair sex is more exciting, forbidden fruit, etc. The Sec. Maybe just ok but the circumstances make it like sex on steroids. Although it's a fantasy that can never last longterm the memories do that's why for most the sex will never be the same in the marriage.

Sounds like after her experience in the A she's just not that into you.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

Maybe she feels bad about the affair and its blocking hercability to let herself go? Is she remorseful? She ended up with you so must have wanted you? 

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

She's not failing to "get there" because of guilt. She got involved in the affair because romantic interest in her husband reach a low point and she decided to subsidize it with another man. The romantic interest, like most of the time, never returned and she can't reach orgasm with him for that reason She's just not that into him anymore and just providing duty sex. Evidence is when she said orgasm is not that important. (That's womanese for, "shut up about it and be happy I go to the trouble to give it up to you at all. Just hurry up and get it over with for gawd sake.) When he puts on his equipment, its like she doing it with someone else.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Partner replacement fantasies are actually more common among women than compared to men. My theory about this is because men tend to watch more porn and doing so numbs both our ability and desires to fantasize about other women, because we just got done watching about 100 different women have sex yesterday and today we want the real thing. Meanwhile women tend to gravitate towards romance novels which does the opposite as it enhances one's ability and desire to fantasize, partly because yesterday there were zero men that most women were watching have sex. 

So then when women read romance books and imagine themselves in that book, "partner replacement" becomes a must as imagining their partner in real life would just not be plausible enough to enjoy said fantasy. 

When is the last time you saw a female romance novel full of pictures? YOU DO NOT, because it would ruin it for her because she already enjoys fantasizing him into being and that is way better than any stupid pictures could ever do!!!!

Imagine if someone flipped a switch and all the sudden all the world's internet porn were gone and replaced by words? Men everywhere (while very frustrated and screaming four letter words) would slowly learn what it is like to use their imaginations for the first time in forever! Then we too would think of all sorts of things. Imagine that?

Badsanta


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> RideofmyLife said:
> 
> 
> > My recently divorced friend was never able to have PIV orgasms with her husband, but could with a later sex partner. She said he was shaped differently.
> ...


I stand corrected.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sheezus....gawd almighty.....


I need to quit this forum.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

I am 49 and have been with my husband since I was 17. I have had other partners but he is the only one to ever bring me to orgasm. I NEVER have thought of another man while having sex. Perhaps the other man was well-endowed and that's why she cannot orgasm unless you are weating an extender. Please stop doing that and be only yourself. Have you gona to marital counseling?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she ever been remorseful?

Has she read how to help your spouse heal from your A?

Did she tell the OM's wife about the A, stop protecting the POSOM and start protecting you?

How would she feel if you had an A? Does she have any empathy at all?

Hope you do not continue to rugsweep. She should be happy that you are still around.

will she pay for you both to go to affair-recovery.com?

maybe they could open her eyes to realize how she has hurt you and the OM is some fantasy about a player that used her and several others at the same time.

did she ever give you a timeline of her A and all the events? Help you put the puzzle together? Stop with the extender. Tell her to get into the real world.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

araffair said:


> Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
> Thoughts?


I don't understand the problem. Do you want to control her mind? To me, excuse me if I am being unsympathetic, this is simply creating a problem where there is none. Let me refine that. There probably is a problem, lot's of them but this is one is just a way of diverting attention from the real stuff that is bothering you and I imagine her to an even greater degree.

Sex occurs in the mind. It REQUIRES that we leave our rational mind to be properly enjoyed.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> I am 49 and have been with my husband since I was 17. I have had other partners but he is the only one to ever bring me to orgasm. I NEVER have thought of another man while having sex. Perhaps the other man was well-endowed and that's why she cannot orgasm unless you are weating an extender. Please stop doing that and be only yourself. Have you gona to marital counseling?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What do you think of during sex? Do you experience fantasy at all or are you wholly present during the act?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Partner replacement fantasies are actually more common among women than compared to men. My theory about this is because men tend to watch more porn and doing so numbs both our ability and desires to fantasize about other women, because we just got done watching about 100 different women have sex yesterday and today we want the real thing. Meanwhile women tend to gravitate towards romance novels which does the opposite as it enhances one's ability and desire to fantasize, partly because yesterday there were zero men that most women were watching have sex.
> 
> So then when women read romance books and imagine themselves in that book, "partner replacement" becomes a must as imagining their partner in real life would just not be plausible enough to enjoy said fantasy.
> 
> ...


Do you have data to support this?


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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

urf said:


> What do you think of during sex? Do you experience fantasy at all or are you wholly present during the act?


At this point I have become consumed with the fact that the last time she orgasmed during intercourse was with another man so all I think about during sex is her inability to orgasm with me anymore. I know...pathetic isn't it. The reason I bought the extender was to prove to myself that she is still capable of PIV orgasms.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

urf said:


> Do you have data to support this?


Who is the romance book reader? (source: Nielsen Books & Consumer Tracker)
Female: 84%
Male: 16%

Who is the porn watcher? (source: Pornhub's 2016 Year in Review ? Pornhub Insights)
Female: 26%
Male: 74%

So if you ask which gender would prefer to only read about sex without any pictures that would be female. Meanwhile men statistically would rather watch sex and not really read about it. 

What requires more imagination? Watching someone have sex or only being able to read about it? Obviously only being able to read about something would require much more imagination. 

Now here are the questions that get interesting, but I have not seen data on this yet. How many men require some type of porn in able to be able to masturbate to an orgasm? Then the question for females would be how many females require a romance novel in order to masturbate to an orgasm? I would hypothesize that there is a much higher occurrence rate of men that require porn than compared to females that require books, simply because one gender does not exercise their imaginations sexually as much as compared to the other. 

When I was young and before internet porn, I used my imagination all the time! After porn, I found myself unable to imagine anything sexual what so ever and would be desperate for porn. When I stopped porn and started reading, I found my own imagination to become exponentially more powerful than porn. Today I find myself unable to masturbate to porn because it distracts my imagination, so I'll turn it off and find the experience to be way better without it. I do not know how many other men have experienced that, but that it my story.

I also did a fantasy poll here on TAM, and it got deleted for good reasons. It regarded which genders chose to fantasize someone other than a spouse. Almost all men would fantasize about their own wives, probably because they lack the imagination skills to imagine sex with other partners. Meanwhile women enjoyed fantasizing about almost anything they wanted, probably because they have a superior imagination that has not been impaired by years upon years of their brains being spoon fed sexual imagery produced by the porn industry. 

Of course I could be wrong! So feel free to debate if you have data or experiences that suggest otherwise.

I have also heard a great number of women describe what it is like to have had a wide variety of sexual partners and how this impacts fantasy while being with a spouse. They would describe it as having gotten to drive all sorts of race cars, many of which could really perform beyond expectations. In contrast their husbands would be like driving the family van, most often a little more bulky and not so powerful. These women also found that being limited to driving a family van could be really fun if they closed their eyes and imagined themselves back in the seat of a finely tuned race car, even if that finely tuned race car was their same husband but just twenty years younger when he was in way better shape and won awards on the college swim team. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

araffair said:


> At this point I have become consumed with the fact that the last time she orgasmed during intercourse was with another man so all I think about during sex is her inability to orgasm with me anymore. I know...pathetic isn't it. The reason I bought the extender was to prove to myself that she is still capable of PIV orgasms.


If that is how you view yourself then stop it.

I don't think you are pathetic but I'm still curious about why you reconciled, why she justified cheating, how it was discovered, how it ended and what you two did to repair it.

It sounds like it was rug swept and the damage is still there.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> She's not failing to "get there" because of guilt. She got involved in the affair because romantic interest in her husband reach a low point and she decided to subsidize it with another man. The romantic interest, like most of the time, never returned and she can't reach orgasm with him for that reason She's just not that into him anymore and just providing duty sex. Evidence is when she said orgasm is not that important. (That's womanese for, "shut up about it and be happy I go to the trouble to give it up to you at all. Just hurry up and get it over with for gawd sake.) When he puts on his equipment, its like she doing it with someone else.


But why stay with her husband? I absolutely dont get it. If the sex was better and there was a choice to stay with the other person why go back to something that was not working for her? I know sex isnt everything but it is important. Its usually the first thing to go wrong in relationships, why stay for years after?

I am not saying what she did is right at all, I have no time for cheaters, its a very wrong thing to do to someone you say you love but I think there is so much more to this. 

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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

I have read erotic books, they don't do it for me at all, too much effort needed. Porn I like. I don't think I am unique in that way. Men are not the only visual creatures, women are too. 

I dont think about anyone or anything else when having sex with my husband. I dont have time. The only thing I do think about is what is happening at that time. 

Looking back at the comments, it seems that the men seem think us ladies fantasize a lot. I really dont think we do. Just saying..

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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife thinks about women during sex and I do not care as long as she has a great orgasm. I think about other women too and sometimes we think about the same woman, our old girlfriend. I believe that we are all responsible for our own orgasms and should do whatever it takes to get them.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

assuming this is not just a troll thread...have you tried other ways of having sex? Maybe it is the kinkiness that she craves to orgasm to? there are a ton of things to try. like rape fantasies, dress up as animals and have sex (furries), tie her up with rope and play with her body until she can not help but orgasm, and so on. Maybe even just new sex positions, like doggie style?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't believe my wife fantasizes about other men, but I could be wrong I guess. 

I have fantasized, but the last time I did that I almost lost my erection, so now I don't do that any more.  

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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

megamuppet said:


> Maybe she feels bad about the affair and its blocking hercability to let herself go? Is she remorseful? She ended up with you so must have wanted you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


Or maybe OM didn't want her, so she came back to husband?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

urf said:


> What do you think of during sex? Do you experience fantasy at all or are you wholly present during the act?




No I do not experience fantasy, think of anyone else, pretend I am somewhere else, etc. I am present during sex.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> No I do not experience fantasy, think of anyone else, pretend I am somewhere else, etc. I am present during sex.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


In my opinion your missing the boat. I think that sex happens in the mind. The body is an extension of the mind. In order to enjoy sex one must "let go".
Let go of the rational part of your mind, let go of restraint, let go awareness and travel to places in your head that you can't get to any other way. The act of
sex is like a drug in that respect. A person ingests a drug via the body but the drug is experienced in the mind. A person takes a drug (read: sex) not to experience the now (present) but to experience the other.

Do you dream? Do you have imagination or creativity?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> I don't believe my wife fantasizes about other men, but I could be wrong I guess.
> 
> I have fantasized, but the last time I did that I almost lost my erection, so now I don't do that any more.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


You mean to say that you have never had a talk with your wife about what turns her on?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Imagine if someone flipped a switch and all the sudden all the world's internet porn were gone and replaced by words? Men everywhere (while very frustrated and screaming four letter words) would slowly learn what it is like to use their imaginations for the first time in forever! Then we too would think of all sorts of things. Imagine that?
> 
> Badsanta


I was married before porn. Yes you could see naked women on 5 cent arcade machines or the back of a "French" deck of cards but porn was not available. We had to rely on the pictures we made from memories in our heads. 0 

Porn is my opinion is a short cut to stimulation.

Going back into history men and women both would look at erotic pictures or carvings. They might visit temples dedicated to lovemaking to seek arousal.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Look OP, if you want to stay married for the sake of keeping it all together, that is your business, But as a man i have to tell you that, this is one head trip you don't need....as i see it not only did she cheat on you, not only did she disrespect you, not only did she put you through hell, but on top of that (as if that is not enough) she tells you that she thinks of him because she gave her something you can't now unless you put on an extender...talk about rewarding bad behavior....honestly can you us she worth it, i would walk away from her, she is not worth it...you need a relationship with some one who wants you for you, not for what you have to put on to get them off...remember you didn't before...this is no marriage it is a charade.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

urf said:


> You mean to say that you have never had a talk with your wife about what turns her on?


No, I mean to say what I said. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

urf said:


> In my opinion your missing the boat. I think that sex happens in the mind. The body is an extension of the mind. In order to enjoy sex one must "let go".
> Let go of the rational part of your mind, let go of restraint, let go awareness and travel to places in your head that you can't get to any other way. The act of
> sex is like a drug in that respect. A person ingests a drug via the body but the drug is experienced in the mind. A person takes a drug (read: sex) not to experience the now (present) but to experience the other.
> 
> Do you dream? Do you have imagination or creativity?


I never think about another man during sex with my husband, only him. :smile2:


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> No, I mean to say what I said.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


If you never talk to your spouse about what turns her on how do you manage to turn her on?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

urf said:


> If you never talk to your spouse about what turns her on how do you manage to turn her on?


Who said anything about not talking to my wife about what turns her on? 

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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I never think about another man during sex with my husband, only him. :smile2:


Whatever works is fine. Do you use more than one position?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Who said anything about not talking to my wife about what turns her on?
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


I must have misunderstood.

BTW: Young Frankenstein is my favorite movie.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

urf said:


> I must have misunderstood.
> 
> BTW: Young Frankenstein is my favorite movie.


It is indeed a great movie! One of my favorites!  


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

araffair said:


> Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
> Thoughts?


Obviously this bothers you. Go with your wife to marriage counseling to both get over the affair, get over her doing whatever she needs to orgasm, and get over your in ability to bring her to orgasm with PIV. As you stated in other responses you are of adequate size and it seems to be a shape thing. Tell her that you need the counseling and you need her support and reinforcement.

If this were my wife, I would figure out whatever I needed to do to get her to orgasm in methods other than PIV with my P. I would own her orgasms and her, which you may already. I would be satisfied with that. 

If this were my wife, and I knew she fantasized over other men, I would try to be a part of her fantasy and own it, which you may already be doing (if so, good for you). I would get a wig, use alternate aftershave, role play with her, and sometimes even do what you do (use an extender or strap-on) to enhance the illusion of it being another man or her equivalent of having lots of different lovers. The biggest sex organ is the mind, so own her mind. I would ensure that this was not every time, but that it was a playful experience and something that we played at and that neither of us was embarrassed or ashamed of our actions. It would become "our shared fantasy role play."

If this were my wife and I had truly forgiven her of an affair, I would make sure she felt cherished and I would try to make sure that that old demon was never allowed to surface again.

Again, my suggestion is to get marriage counseling, as I think that there are some emotional issues eating at you and that the best sex involves the mind. Whatever is emotionally troubling you, your wife probably knows it is troubling you. 

Good luck.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

One of the many gifts let behind by being plan B.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

urf said:


> In my opinion your missing the boat. I think that sex happens in the mind. The body is an extension of the mind. In order to enjoy sex one must "let go".
> 
> Let go of the rational part of your mind, let go of restraint, let go awareness and travel to places in your head that you can't get to any other way. The act of
> 
> ...




No, I am not missing the boat. I am thinking of my husband, enjoying sex with him. I don't need to think of someone else or live in a fantasy world to enjoy sex. If I did, I would simply be using my using my husband as a "tool" while I fantasize.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> No, I am not missing the boat. I am thinking of my husband, enjoying sex with him. I don't need to think of someone else or live in a fantasy world to enjoy sex. If I did, I would simply be using my using my husband as a "tool" while I fantasize.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 Do you have any variety during sex?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

araffair said:


> Yes, I have discussed this with her. She confirmed that she has not orgasmed from intercourse with me since her affair and she doesn't like talking about it because it puts more pressure on her. She said she doesn't care about the lack of PIV orgasms and it's not a big deal to her (which I find hard to believe).


Does she have orgasms other ways?


Most women cannot orgasm from PIV, every. Only about 25% can. It's really not a big deal at all. An orgasm is an orgasm. 

You are putting pressure on her to perform sexually in some manner that is not working for her. Why are you so hung up on your wife having PIV orgasms? Let it go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

araffair said:


> Ladies...is it normal to fantasize of other men during sex with your husband?
> We have been married since college (30 years). About 15 years ago my wife had a 3-4 month affair. Unwisely, I wanted to know all the details of their encounters and she shared with me that the sex and her orgasms were great. I have noticed that she has not had an orgasm with me during intercourse since her affair. However, if I wear a strap on or penis extender she always orgasms during intercourse. I believe by adding these enhancements she feels she is having sex with another guy. which allows her to orgasm.
> Thoughts?


Has your wife actually told you that she fantasizes about other men during sex? Or do you assume she is doing this?

Do you ever fantasize about other women during sex?


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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

No, I don't think of other women during sex. I am always focused on trying to help her achieve an orgasm. She can easily orgasm from fingers, mouth, toys etc. but as I stated in my original post she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since her affair which several years ago. My mental hang up is that she used to orgasm with me during intercourse, she orgasmed with him during intercourse but she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since the affair unless I use an extender.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

araffair said:


> No, I don't think of other women during sex. I am always focused on trying to help her achieve an orgasm. She can easily orgasm from fingers, mouth, toys etc. but as I stated in my original post she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since her affair which several years ago. My mental hang up is that she used to orgasm with me during intercourse, she orgasmed with him during intercourse but she has not orgasmed with me during intercourse since the affair unless I use an extender.


Perhaps it is not you that she is struggling with for an orgasm, but more so her need for a little variety which you provide in the form of fingers, mouth, toys, extenders, etc. 

Regarding natural intercourse, do you try different positions, locations (other than your bedroom), time of day, lubrications (both with and without), speed (slow and gentle or fast and rough), or any different modes of sex (sensation based, partner engagement, role play)?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Marc878 said:


> Affair sex is more exciting, forbidden fruit, etc. The Sec. Maybe just ok but the circumstances make it like sex on steroids. Although it's a fantasy that can never last longterm the memories do that's why for most the sex will never be the same in the marriage.
> 
> Sounds like after her experience in the A she's just not that into you.


This.

Affairs (especially short ones like she had) are usually nothing more than lust, purely sexual.

Given that she spent 15 years with you first, she had plenty of time to 'get used' to you, for lack of a better term. I've been with my wife about 9 years now, and although the sex is still good to great, it's not the same as it was when we first started dating. "New" sex is exciting. It's what makes things like affairs and ONS's what they are.

She spent 15 years with you, a few months with this guy, then back to you. Technically, it has little to do with _you_ IMO, but more the general idea of 30 combined years with the same person, and a few months of exciting "new" sex smack dab in the middle. You are not new and exciting (and that's not your fault, obviously). Neither is she.

As said a few times in this thread, sex is pretty much entirely mental. It has little or nothing to do with the AP/OM personally (ie. what he looked like, his penis, etc.) and everything to do with the circumstances (ie. the excitement, the taboo, the 'newness').

When the affair happened, and you insisted on knowing everything (and were told in seemingly great detail... ugh) you put yourself in a position to compete with this guy, and you planted that seed in your wife's head, too. Exacerbated by penis extenders and attempts to get her to orgasm for the past 15 years. Ironically enough, your wife would likely enjoy sex with you much more if it wasn't an obvious attempt to compete with the AP/OM.

But most importantly, your confidence was shot, and never recovered - and your wife KNOWS this. A man who has no confidence in the bedroom will do nothing for a woman. Yes, this is her own doing, but you also have the power to say "**** it" and just do your thing, and not worry about whether she orgasms or not.

Throw away the penis extender thing, it's silly. Your wife probably thinks it's silly, too, but perhaps she doesn't want to tell you for fear of upsetting you. It screams lack of confidence in your manhood (literally and figuratively), and that's a killer for her.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with @alexm. Ditch the extender. Stop worrying about your wife. She is responsible for her orgasms. She can get a good vibrator nd have as many as she wants. She can use it. You can use it. Whatever works best for her.

Think about adding some excitement to sex. Don't do it in the bedroom in your bed. Do it in other rooms. Do it outside the house. In a hotel room. In your car. In the back row of a movie theater. Go for a hike and do it on a hilltop or a ledge overlooking a lake. If you get arrested for public exposure, THAT is a fabulous memory and bonding experience.

Go out to dinner with another couple. Go commando. Fondle each other under the table in front of your friends. See how far you can go without them noticing. That will add the kind of excitement that makes affair sex so arousing.

And if your wife is willing to do any of that, then thank your lucky stars. I can assure you that my wife would do none of that and be horrified if I suggested it.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

I miss all the excitement and newness of a new relationship. I still feel giddy when I see my husband but it has wore off for him now. Sex is every 10 days, I want it daily. Excitement is still important but I would never have an affair. I love him too much and I know I would never get anything this good again x

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Nope, I cannot buy that she does not want to talk about it. She is scared to death that in therapy you will find out a lot more about her affair. She is frightened that you will leave. What started her affair? Have you been in IC? Or was this rug-swept. When my wife had her little revenge, she volunteered that he was severely under-endowed, she stated that he was hardly worth getting wet over. I assured her that I was going to find out, after I amputated his appendage and arranged for it to be found in her purse. (Good threat, and my wife was easily fooled-he quit shortly thereafter, guess she told him)

Perhaps her AP was either better endowed, or to be blunt, you are plan B. Since she no longer orgasms with you during intercourse, ask her if she wouldn't mind another woman orgasming with you during intercourse? She did it, and screwed you pretty much forever. 

Get to a sex therapist and the affair may be long over, it's still inside her head, and if it is in your bedroom, it is on her mind. Figure out what you want to do from there.


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

I fantasize frequently while with DH. Its not disrespectful because #1 its a fantasy #2 he knows I do that . If I take too long to cum he will whisper in my ear "baby use your fantasies". I think its hot.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

urf said:


> *I was married before porn.* Yes you could see naked women on 5 cent arcade machines or the back of a "French" deck of cards but porn was not available. We had to rely on the pictures we made from memories in our heads. 0
> 
> Porn is my opinion is a short cut to stimulation.
> 
> Going back into history men and women both would look at erotic pictures or carvings. They might visit temples dedicated to lovemaking to seek arousal.


You must be really old! I am 68 and I remember "stag films" we showed at frat keg parties in college. They were "porn." Porn has been a driving force in most new technological inventions, whether cameras, silent movies, talkies, color film movies, Polaroid instant cameras, electronic VHS handheld video recorders, the internet, robotics, etc. But today we have Rule 34:



> Internet. Rule 34, according to long-standing legend, goes something like this: If it exists, or can be imagined, there is Internet porn of it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ha ha I agree. I got a kick out of that too. I used to go into skanky adult book stores to get some porn. Swedish Erotica - how long has that been out there? Playboy was late 1950's but porn is as old as the hills
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, but the sheer availability of it hasn't.

I grew up in the era riiiight before the internet. Porn was somebody's dad's magazines or VHS tapes - not easy to come by, and not easy to have "alone" time with! Before internet porn was a thing, I had probably only ever seen 3 or 4 movies, and never alone.

For me, and most young boys of that pre-internet era, it was mostly the imagination that got us by. These days, it's basically 'on demand'. And readily available to anybody who has an internet connection and a curious mind.

The imagination aspect of it is loooong gone, unfortunately.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

alexm said:


> Yes, but the sheer availability of it hasn't.
> 
> I grew up in the era riiiight before the internet. Porn was somebody's dad's magazines or VHS tapes - not easy to come by, and not easy to have "alone" time with! Before internet porn was a thing, I had probably only ever seen 3 or 4 movies, and never alone.
> 
> ...


I grew up and was in college where a computer class assignment was to program (via patch cords) an ibm card sorter to sort punch cards in a certain order. That was so PRIOR to internet, I can't even begin to explain how prior to modern computing and modern internet. I remember years later once seeing a poster that had EVERY www-internet site on it. They were mostly military, government and university sites.

At the house I lived in at collage, we had a collection of 35-mm stag films and would periodically do a "exchange/loan" program with another house so we could see some fresh stuff at beer parties. I even remember once when we got a "hen/lesbian" porn 35-mm film from one of the women's houses as part of an exchange. That film cause a lot of discussion for the next month. (Do they really like that kind of thing?)

Porn has been around for a long, long, long time. Yes, it does not have the widespread availability, variety, and explicitness that most of the really old stuff had, but even some of the old stuff was kind of crude.


I guess I must have had a really unusual college experience. We even once arranged a trip to a local burlesque style theater as a date night between our house and a women's house. Kind of a strippers bumping and grinding and corny off-color comedians. The women seemed to enjoy it as much as the guys did. Oh, well. Porn for me was not Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues or the women's underwear section of the Sears catalog.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Young at Heart said:


> I grew up and was in college where a computer class assignment was to program (via patch cords) an ibm card sorter to sort punch cards in a certain order. That was so PRIOR to internet, I can't even begin to explain how prior to modern computing and modern internet. I remember years later once seeing a poster that had EVERY www-internet site on it. They were mostly military, government and university sites.
> 
> At the house I lived in at collage, we had a collection of 35-mm stag films and would periodically do a "exchange/loan" program with another house so we could see some fresh stuff at beer parties. I even remember once when we got a "hen/lesbian" porn 35-mm film from one of the women's houses as part of an exchange. That film cause a lot of discussion for the next month. (Do they really like that kind of thing?)
> 
> ...


Oh yeah, it's been around forever, in one form or another, no doubt.

But none of your porn experiences were alone, were they?  That's what I'm getting at. My teenage son takes a shower, and he brings his tablet... We can watch porn in the car, WHILE DRIVING! At work, at school, in the next room. Basically whenever and wherever we want, on a whim. No setup, no planning, nothing to put away. It's crazy. The porn of your (and my) generation required forethought and planning, lol.

Even though porn was available to people of your generation, you still had to use your imagination (or memory, I guess) when you got home later that night. Unless it was a group activity! (not judging!) Hell, same with my generation, really. I could have alone time with a magazine, but even the dirtiest magazines were rather tame compared to what's online these days. And they were still pictures. There was still some imagination and fantasy required. Even with videos (VHS!), our one TV was in the living room, basically in the middle of the house. Same with the 'family computer'. Central location in the house.

The internet made porn accessible to everyone. High speed internet made it 'on-demand', with no need to download and save it. The smart phone (and tablet) made it portable. The miracles of modern technology!

But the biggest change, IMO, is that we are now giving our children smart phones and tablets, and often their own computers. I think I was probably 15 or 16 before I saw my first sex acts that were not in a mainstream movie. And although it was x rated stuff, it was still rather tame compared to what you can find these days, without even looking hard. This generation requires absolutely no imagination or fantasy.

My 16 year old, and kids of his generation, are either going to grow up and have amazing sex lives, or the exact opposite. There's going to be nothing left to the imagination, no discovery, just expectations. Hell, sometime in the mid-late 90's, when I was dating my ex wife and we were in our early 20's, we discovered her g-spot. Neither of us had any idea that it existed, or that g-spot orgasms and squirting were a thing. That kind of discovery and experimentation is pretty much gone forever. Kids will just want to mimic what they see, and by the time they're old enough to start having sex, they'll already know everything, in theory.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

shes just not that into you. shes pineing for her affair partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Try spanking. I could be biased but it might add the right level of spice and she certainly deserves a little punishment for being such a bad girl.

Might release something in both of you 😊


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Araffair,

I think you are coming to the realization that you might have won the battle but lost the war....yes she let the OM go, she came back to you, but not all of her, not the part that really mattered, you have a wife and partner in name only....and you just fooling yourself that she is staying with you because she loves you with all her heart. Yes, she does love you, but she does not crave you, she does not desire you like him....I don't say this to hurt you, i say it to get to that part of you that knows this to be truth, and once you accept that as truth, then i ask you... is living with her acceptable knowing you might never be the person of her desire. if the answer is yes, then do not come back here, don't listen to us, rug sweep all the past away and accept what she can give you...but if the answer is no then the next question is, do you not owe yourself the privilege of being with someone who wants you, without an extender, who desires only you. think about it hard


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Try spanking. I could be biased but it might add the right level of spice and she certainly deserves a little punishment for being such a bad girl.
> 
> Might release something in both of you 😊


Spankings rock! Especially after being bad 😊 oh yeahhh


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## biggunz69 (Apr 2, 2017)

Wow that is really bad!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Try spanking. I could be biased but it might add the right level of spice and she certainly deserves a little punishment for being such a bad girl.
> 
> Might release something in both of you 😊


Or she may not like that he uses violence on her:surprise:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

urf said:


> Whatever works is fine. Do you use more than one position?


Yes loads, but how is that relevant?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

urf said:


> Do you have any variety during sex?


Why is it that you assume that those of us who are faithful to our husbands in our minds during sex dont have variety? We have loads of variety.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Or she may not like that he uses violence on her:surprise:


The spanking I am referring to would not come under the heading of any form of domestic violence.

It could be referred to as a fetish and, while to varying degrees can be uncomfortable or even painful, is consensual and can be a sexual stimulus.

It is also something that could work for a discipline in the case of a cheating spouse who is remorseful to allow a very visceral display of contrition and and submission for their betrayed.

Showing that level of submission and trust to your betrayed spouse can go a long way towards healing the breach caused by infidelity.

Along with true remorse and heavy lifting, submitting to a spanking can break down some very nasty walls built up by lies and backstabbing.

I've seen it work wonders.:grin2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> The spanking I am referring to would not come under the heading of any form of domestic violence.
> 
> It could be referred to as a fetish and, while to varying degrees can be uncomfortable or even painful, is consensual and can be a sexual stimulus.
> 
> ...


So if a spouse does something wrong you can spank them whether they like it or not??? It is violence whether you put it under that heading or not, especially if its done as a punishment.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If she used to come from you being in her; and post affair she only comes if you use an extender----I think you can connect the dots. 

But I'll go ahead and say it, in case you can't: He was bigger than you, it felt better, and now that's what she prefers to get off.

You didn't seem to have any confession from her that she's thinking about anyone else. If the physical stimulation is strong enough; you don't need to think about anything: you simply feel good.

If she is thinking about someone else; it's to put an emotional barrier between you and her. She doesn't feel close to you.


Still want to take her back and "reconcile"?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> So if a spouse does something wrong you can spank them whether they like it or not??? It is violence whether you put it under that heading or not, especially if its done as a punishment.


Maybe you are tired? You are not actually talking to me but at me and ignoring direct statements from me to pursue a false conclusion about my statement.

Enjoy your day.


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