# Help.. i talk bad or down to my wife



## rdgiesler

Hello My name is ron. I am so confused i have to ask. Me and my wife have been togather for nearly 4 years and married 8 months. We have split up 4 times. each time we split some of the issues get fixed. but one has been there from the start. For some reason we can not comucate with out me getting agrvated. then of corse i say stuff that hurts her. well we just split up this past thursday and she said the only reason was because i dont know how to talk to her. I know she is right and i dont want to lose her. I am begging for help.


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## anchorwatch

Obviously something is setting you off. You don't seem to know how to argue your point without feeling some emotion, that sets you off. What do you feel when you get aggravated? 

BTW, the more you argue and disrespect her the more she will lose love for you, till it's over. After four break ups this sounds pretty close to over.


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## rdgiesler

i feel like she dont care about what im saying or doing. some times its a tone in her voice or a remark she makes.


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## anchorwatch

So you feel dismissed or disrespected. I dare to say she also has some of these emotions. She snipes back at you in defense and you go off even more. This escalation spirals out of control, and she feels totally diminished. Is this familiar? It's obvious for now, you need to walk away or ask to stop the convo before it spirals out of control and causes more problems, like what you have now. 

Look we all have natural differences in our personalities and from our past. We each handle situations and stress differently, because of it. The first thing is you have to realize is that a difference of opinion is not a personal attack. 

Getting into MC is a must now. You need to learn your natural differences, what outside stresses affect you and what emotions each of you are feeling when they come into play. You need to learn to talk.


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## rdgiesler

yes yes yes. that is it in a nut shell. She has now moved in with her parents as of last thursday. we talked for nearly 4 hours last night. I asked her if now that we are apart if we would go to marriage conseling. with her being there and me where i am we would not have to worry about coming home and argueing about what we said there. she is real hesatent and i do understand. i had told her if we went we would have nothing to lose and posiably everything to gain. I asked her to think about it. i know all i can say is i will be differant and put 200% in to it. this morning i did text her and say i was tired. and asked if she knew we were on the phone nearly 4 hours last night. i have not called her and really dont know where to go from here.


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## somethingelse

Usually if I say something in a certain "irritated" tone to my H or say a snarky remark, it's because he has initiated an unfair comment to me or something negative in nature. 

Do you find yourself doing this before your W acts this way?

Do your arguments go physical?


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## anchorwatch

Don't pester her. It is not attractive. 

Start working on yourself. Find an anger management class for yourself. 

Don't talk about it, find an MC today. Interview them. Make the appointment.

Do you have any other behaviors that are detrimental to the marriage? Clean up your side of the street first.

Hopefully she will see you're seriously working on yourself. 

Do you exercise? Its a good way to relive stress.


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## rdgiesler

somethingelse said:


> Usually if I say something in a certain "irritated" tone to my H or say a snarky remark, it's because he has initiated an unfair comment to me or something negative in nature.
> 
> Do you find yourself doing this before your W acts this way?
> 
> Do your arguments go physical?


I will say 85% of the time i am the one that starts it.
we do not go physical.


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## rdgiesler

I have found a few counselers that are close and will be looking into them today.
The only problem we both see and i do beleive is our comucation..
No i do not excerize


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## anchorwatch

Get this book today, see what a marriage really looks like.

His Needs, Her Needs: Willard F. Jr. Harley

Here is the link to the basic ideas.

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## northland

It's not physical yet. But maybe it's escalating and she knows it.

Maybe she's afraid of you?


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## rdgiesler

I know in my heart i would never be that kind of a person. 
I was not raised that way.
Your are probly right she may knot know in her heart that i would never hurt her that way.

I will do what i have to do and make my self a better husband.


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## rdgiesler

and yes she has said she is afraid of me because of comments i have made while we were argueing.


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## rdgiesler

I am afraid the longer we are apart the more she will fall out of love with me.


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## somethingelse

Sometimes being apart makes the heart grow fonder.


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## northland

rdgiesler said:


> and yes she has said she is afraid of me because of comments i have made while we were argueing.


What comments? Are you threatening her with physical violence?


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## rdgiesler

not directed to her but i have made comments the if anyone should hurt her or my kids i would take care of it. and 3 years ago i raised my hand to her. I also 2 years ago while in a arguement tried to get her phone from her. she had just got out of the hospital from lung surgery (half her lung on one side removed). an while in the process i had laid down on top of her to get it. i was not thinking and did not in no way do it on purpose but i had did it. I am truly willing to put it all out there in hopes to be a better husband.


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## nothingtodeclare

Why not get some IC for yourself? Sounds like anger is an issue and you need tools to help. Life can be so much better when you can control anger. It is amazing what happens when you no longer yell or use a nasty tone. Sounds like you care, so get cracking on it.


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## somethingelse

My dad is hot headed like that too. Very short tempered gets irritated easily. My mom never left him, but I grew up seeing some crazy outbursts and blow ups from him. Didn't want to get him mad that's for sure lol


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## rdgiesler

I called a counseler today and i Start today at Spring First Church Couseling.
I know my mouth is the only thing she or anyone has to fear from me.


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## northland

You raised your hand to her and threatened physical violence to others.

You lose your temper and say things that you think you don't mean.

She doesn't know it's just talk.


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## rdgiesler

I dont want to lose her! An i know i need help. I pray she will be there when i am good.


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## rdgiesler

northland said:


> You raised your hand to her and threatened physical violence to others.
> 
> You lose your temper and say things that you think you don't mean.
> 
> She doesn't know it's just talk.


I completely understand that now. a little to late. I hope she can forgive me.


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## somethingelse

rdgiesler said:


> I dont want to lose her! An i know i need help. I pray she will be there when i am good.


I say do this for yourself more than for your W. Because no matter whether she stays or goes, you have to be able to control yourself and communicate better. 

The fact that you can recognize that you need some help is a great start.


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## northland

rdgiesler said:


> I completely understand that now. a little to late. I hope she can forgive me.


Show her you're aware of your problems and you're trying to fix it.

Enroll in an anger management course.

Actions speak louder than words.


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## rdgiesler

northland said:


> Show her you're aware of your problems and you're trying to fix it.
> 
> Enroll in an anger management course.
> 
> Actions speak louder than words.


That is exactly what i did last night when we were on the Phone.
I told her all that i had done and how i was being and let her know i had already contacted counseling.


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## rdgiesler

yes i am doing this for my problem.


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## northland

rdgiesler said:


> That is exactly what i did last night when we were on the Phone.
> I told her all that i had done and how i was being and let her know i had already contacted counseling.


Don't be so enthusiastic about all the changes you're making.

It comes across as desperate.

Just go and do it, and then down the line you can mention to her how your anger management course went the other day.

Keep it low key and casual.


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## Faiora

If you love her, I think it can be assumed you want what's best for her. Are you the best thing for her? If not, can you become that? 

I'm not saying you need to be perfect and do everything for her - but *you do need to make her feel safe and cared-for. *

When someone is angry with me, I don't feel emotionally safe - I put up walls. In order to have trust and respect in a relationship, I need to have the inner knowledge that the person cares about me, even if they're speaking in upset tones. This is not something you can achieve by telling someone you love them - you have to demonstrate it by responding consistently in a positive way when your SO is emotionally vulnerable. 

It's likely that your wife doesn't feel emotionally safe. If you're unpredictable, or if you express anger when discussing things that are important to her, she probably feels like she can't trust you. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with someone they can't trust. 

It's good you're going to counselling; I hope you and your wife both have very happy lives, whatever happens.


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## rdgiesler

If you love her, I think it can be assumed you want what's best for her. Are you the best thing for her? If not, can you become that? 
I do love her and want what is best for her. 
Right now i can't say i am best thing for her
I do want to be come that! 
I know if i cant get ahold of me i will never be the best thing for her..
Do i feel i can be? Yes with some help. I cant do it on my own i've tried that. I lack the tools. thats why i am seeking help.


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## Faiora

rdgiesler said:


> If you love her, I think it can be assumed you want what's best for her. Are you the best thing for her? If not, can you become that?
> I do love her and want what is best for her.
> Right now i can't say i am best thing for her
> I do want to be come that!
> I know if i cant get ahold of me i will never be the best thing for her..
> Do i feel i can be? Yes with some help. I cant do it on my own i've tried that. I lack the tools. thats why i am seeking help.




It sounds like you're on the right road.
Kudos - and like I said, I hope everything turns out well.


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## rdgiesler

thanks


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