# leaving a fragile spouse, with compassion



## lion+rooster (Mar 3, 2012)

Hi, I just read some of the threads on here, and they were very insightful, so I decided to sign up.

My husband and I are in our 30's, have been together for 8 years, married for 3. It's been a rocky relationship since the beginning. He was emotionally abusive for a very long time, and I had some serious self-esteem issues that made me just internalize it. We used to fight constantly, our home life was always very chaotic and seemed to revolve around his nervous breakdowns (which were many). I also developed a chronic illness during the time of our relationship, had my own freakouts that hurt him and the relationship, and had two make-out sessions with other guys - both were one-time things, but they were both mutual friends of ours, which hurt him a lot. So, this is not to say that everything bad in the relationship came from him, but my illness was hard on him and I did some pretty immature things that hurt him too.

About two years ago though, we got into some counseling and worked through a lot of that stuff. He's coming to terms with childhood trauma that has been at the source of his verbal abuse toward me, and for the first time in my life, I actually *have* self-esteem and feel like I have power in the relationship. We both treat each other very well and have forgiven each other for our past deeds and have really moved on. And we've been getting along very well, home life is much calmer, etc. The problem is, I don't want to be with him anymore, I have known for a while that I just need to move on from this relationship in order to be happy, even if in many ways he still is my best friend. I care about him and want to do this fairly, respectfully, and with compassion, and I am afraid that my leaving him would destroy him. Literally.

About five months ago (when I was just starting to think I wanted to leave) we got in a nasty fight and I told him I was thinking about leaving. The next day he tried to kill himself. That was the final straw for me, but our therapist, his family, etc. encouraged me to wait at least 6 months to make sure he was stable. Thing is though, he isn't. He's still having panic attacks so bad that he has a hard time leaving the house (and as a result been unemployed for 4 years), and he is so, so sensitive to everything even slightly critical. I suspect that on top of his PTSD, he also has an undiagnosed mental illness, because he has some weird obsessive behavior, his father and brother are both pathological liars (lying when they don't even realize it) and i suspect he might have some of that too. I really feel like I, our house, and our cats, are literally the only things he enjoys in life anymore (other than TV and video games), it's sad. But it also explains why I really need to move on!

I've been biting my tongue for a while, but I think money is finally going to force this conversation to occur. He's been unemployed for 4 years like I said, and our health insurance maxed out due to the massive hospital bill, and he has other healthcare bills that are piling up too. We owe our therapist $300, and we won't be able to see her until we pay her. And we just got another $300 medical bill that we just can't pay. Right now we're living off of my graduate student teaching stipend (which isn't much), a nearly minimum wage job I'm holding down just to make ends meet, credit cards, and money from my parents. I'm just not willing to charge more to a credit card or ask my parents for more money. So I have to let him go, and cut him off before he destroys me financially anymore. But here's the things I've very, very worried about:

1. He'll try and kill himself. (or have a really bad nervous breakdown, or something)
2. He'll torment me for weeks and months. (i.e. the abuse will come back)
3. We don't have counseling right now - we owe the therapist $$ and he's on a wait list for a free counseling clinic for low income people. but hasn't gotten an appt. yet.
4. What if he ends up homeless? his parents are broke, and they don't have room for him at their house. And he can't afford his share of rent if he stays in the house. And I don't think I can live with myself if that ends up happening.
5. I am insanely busy and a grad student - I don't have time to deal with the emotional and legal turmoil that is a divorce. That, and my illness is made worse by stress, and this could be a very stressful thing.

Any thoughts on how I should have this conversation with him in a way that's compassionate, and then go through the actual separation in a way that's amicable. I want us to be friends when we part, or at least not enemies. And I don't want to destroy him.
I have some savings (from a small trust fund that I nearly depleted being with him), and I'm happy to give him some of that so he won't be TOTALLY broke and so things are somewhat fair. But other than that, in terms of wording, timing, etc. I have no idea. I am also thinking about how to make this easier on me too, as going through a divorce while writing a dissertation might push me over the edge. Thoughts would be much appreciated.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

My ex-gf of 6 years recently left me. In some ways, I am like your husband, though not to that extent. I derived my happiness from my gf and our homelife. I became emotionally dependent on her. I guess like yourself, she grew tired of this life and wanted to move on. I saw it as I was completely devoted to her and committed, she didn't feel the same. 

I don't know that there is any easy way for you to do this. It will destroy him because he is living under the impression you love him and are by his side. It hurts so much when that person then tells you one day, it's over. I just don't see an easy way. Try and see if you can feel differently about him. Remember why you fell in love with him and try to help him.


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## lion+rooster (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm sorry, talkitout, that you've been suffering so much do to your breakup. I hope you find peace and find a way to move on. 

As for your response to my situation: I *do* love him. And I have been trying to help him - not pressuring him as much as I should about working (because of the anxiety it causes him), financially supporting him, borrowing money from my parents, arranging for him to go to counseling, etc. I love him and we have had a lot of good times. But that's not enough anymore. The situation is making me bitter and resentful, and it is compromising my health (I can't afford to go to the doctor for myself anymore, and have stopped taking expensive meds that I really need so that we can pay his hospital bills), it is compromising my work in grad school, and I am becoming bitter and resentful. I have also stopped being sexually attracted to him, and while we still have sex, I dread it every time. I'd like to think that your girlfriend was looking to avoid being in the situation I am in right now, and that you wouldn't have wished something like this on your relationship either. Sometimes love isn't enough.

But is there anything you wish she had done differently to make the breakup less devastating for you? Did the fact that she was still friendly toward you leading up to the breakup more hurtful? I'm worried about that, in that my being friendly toward him is giving him a false sense of security. But I don't also want to start a fight just so I can break up with him during the fight. That just seems lame. But if there are ways to ease into the conversation, I've love to hear.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

lion+rooster said:


> But is there anything you wish she had done differently to make the breakup less devastating for you? Did the fact that she was still friendly toward you leading up to the breakup more hurtful? I'm worried about that, in that my being friendly toward him is giving him a false sense of security. But I don't also want to start a fight just so I can break up with him during the fight. That just seems lame. But if there are ways to ease into the conversation, I've love to hear.


What made the breakup very confusing for me, and still does, is that in the month leading up to it we were talking about marriage, kids, growing old together, etc. There was a lot of stress in our lives, but it seemed to me we were coping with it. She even told me she loved me. Then during a fight one night she pulled the plug. It has caused me so much confusion.

I don't know that being nice or mean leading up to it will make a difference. It really wouldn't have for me I don't think. It hurts the same both ways. She left our home the next day and has had minimal to zero contact with me since then. I was left in the dark, cold turkey. That really hurts. I have to think back to what was our last good conversation, not knowing that would be the last. I'm in a real state of confusion and hurt still.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lion+rooster said:


> Go through the actual separation in a way that's amicable. I want us to be friends when we part, or at least not enemies. And I don't want to destroy him.


This is an unrealistic expectation. You are dealing with someone who is deeply damaged. Expecting to have a rational conversation with him and then to walk peacefully off into the sunset is not going to happen.

I support your decision to leave I'm just explaining that there is no way to leave anyone 'nicely' even under the best of circumstances.


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## lion+rooster (Mar 3, 2012)

talkitout: Wow. You know, I never really understand why people do the things that you described your girlfriend as doing (leaving out of nowhere like that). It's possible something came up in the fight that was a dealbreaker for her (and if it was she should have been clear about it), but if the fight was over something minor, well... she sucks, and now your life is cleared to have someone better enter it. But I don't know, I think that your situation doesn't really address my question after all. Especially since I would never leave my husband unless he, I don't know, killed someone or tortured animals or something.

Mavash: I in no way expect this to be easy or to "walk peacefully in the sunset." I just don't want to end up with the husband a) dead, b) in the hospital, c) him hurting me or our cats, or d) ending up homeless (though I'm doubtful the last would happen). Also, I would like to be able to finish my degree program so I can actually have a career, and not have the fallout from this situation completely upend my life anymore than this relationship has already.

I'm starting to think that this was not a good idea, asking for advice on anonymous message boards like this. I feel like I'm being judged as either stupid or unkind, when all I'm asking is for thoughts on how one can be thoughtful and respectful when leaving someone they care about.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I for one am not judging you. Not at all!!! If I were you I'd run not walk away from this train wreck.

I'm just saying be safe and to quit feeling guilty over what happens to him. Just do what you know you have to do and move on with your life.


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## lion+rooster (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little on edge these days. Thank you for your support. Will probably try and spend some time offline to decompress. Take care and thanks for being there.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Be careful.. People can do ridiculous things when they snap. You might want to have someone there with you? Do you trust he won't hurt you when you drop the bomb and not just himself?


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