# Your Story of Sexual Rejection



## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry. 

Please, share your story! Get it out into the light! 

I'll start:


1. My husband and I were fighting, so I decided to try to make things better with a really hot romp. I went out and bought special lingerie that I thought was his type, did porn-star makeup, and pig tails. When he got home, I gave him his fav dinner and tried to coy up to him on the couch. As soon as I touched him he intentionally started a fight about something I don't even remember, because he knows being angry kills my mood immediately. After he made it clear he was having none of it, I went upstairs, showered off my makeup and cute hair, put on the grungiest sweats I could find, and went back downstairs to curl up with a book hoping he would see how sad I was. He was perfectly content the rest of the night. 

2. Recently, I told him that I wanted to try new things in bed. I asked him if there was anything he would like to try that he'd never tried before, or hadn't done with me. I told him "Anything you can think of, I don't care what it is, I'll do it. Blank check. Guaranteed delivery, no take backs." He told me we pretty much already were doing everything he was interested in (which means 5-10 minutes of no-foreplay missionary once every month or two) and that he was tired and didn't want to talk about this. Dude, BLANK CHECK? And you "don't want to talk about it"?!?


Someone PLEASE share your story, and tell me I'm not alone here with this!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

UGH! Oh honey -- I'm sorry.

Okay, this is back in first marriage, over long ago -- he came home and I was on the bed in a very slinky negligee waiting for him, candles, the whole thing -- and he looked at me and said, "that's disgusting" and left the house.

He turned out to be gay, btw. But it took me YEARS to wear lingerie again. Still hard sometimes, I'm always worried about that.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

Sorry to hear the two scenarios, wow, I'm a little stunned that someone of my gender would have that reaction. Guess i'm a male who's wired differently as if either of those two scenarios presented themselves in my house... sigh


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

WOW.
Valley and Lamaga...I can't imagine how hurtful all that was/is. EEK!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

ValleyForge said:


> I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry.
> 
> Please, share your story! Get it out into the light!
> 
> ...



I'm just going to read this over and over and hopefully if I read it enough, my wife would actually do something that was close to this for me....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

GPR said:


> I'm just going to read this over and over and hopefully if I read it enough, my wife would actually do something that was close to this for me....


There's no place like home! There's no place like home! There's no place like home!..........


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Valley,

Seriously, I do have a few but don't have the time right now!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

If your Husband wouldn't respond to this stuff, my conversation would start something like "WTF is wrong with you???"

I have plenty of rejection stories with my wife, but I don't know if they would work the same.


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

I would want to hear these stories from men too. I'm sure that it happens to men more frequently, unfortunately for them. It all ends up in the same "WTF!?! I"M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF!!" part of the brain.


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

Wow, it takes my breath away to picture my wife doing that! I doubt it helps you with your situation, but I'm certain there a lot of men who would sacrifice a lot for their wives to do that. Be assured, that is hot, hot, hot...you're husband's an idiot.

Obviously, there is always two sides to conflict. I would suggest you see if he would be willing to do some marriage counseling. Best of luck to you!


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

cent130130 said:


> Wow, it takes my breath away to picture my wife doing that!...Be assured, that is hot, hot, hot...you're husband's an idiot.


^^^this

the things i've read on this site the short time i've been a member :banghead:


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

My wife's main method is: "I feel gross". My wife has some self-confidence issues that can be set off by a simple breeze if feels like. The weirdest part is they come and go somewhat out of the blue. One night, we have amazing sex (and yes, I mean amazing for both of us). She talks about how great it was. One day later she is in the dumps and saying she feels gross and hates how she looks... and for good measure throws some blame to me by telling me that She doesn't think I'm Attracted to her anymore.... WAH? We had Great sex yesterday, and I'm trying to get more right now, and somehow I'm not Attracted to her? 

This just baffles my mind every time. I'm wanting to have sex with her, and she is rejecting me by telling me that I'm not attracted to her? How is that logical?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

my wifes rejections have only come after we have had lots and lots of sex and she is not in the mood and tired. Other than that she is pregnant and turns me down sometimes when she would not have before but at the same time she wants it a lot at random times. Hormones i imagine. 

oh when she is sick though even when sick she has been up for sex. one time after vacation she did not want sex for 2 weeks i got rejected a lot and it hurt i told her how i felt and she said she was sorry and the reason was she had a yeast infection and was embarrassed to tell me. This was before we were married though


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

GPR said:


> My wife's main method is: "I feel gross". My wife has some self-confidence issues that can be set off by a simple breeze if feels like. The weirdest part is they come and go somewhat out of the blue. One night, we have amazing sex (and yes, I mean amazing for both of us). She talks about how great it was. One day later she is in the dumps and saying she feels gross and hates how she looks... and for good measure throws some blame to me by telling me that She doesn't think I'm Attracted to her anymore.... WAH? We had Great sex yesterday, and I'm trying to get more right now, and somehow I'm not Attracted to her?
> 
> This just baffles my mind every time. I'm wanting to have sex with her, and she is rejecting me by telling me that I'm not attracted to her? How is that logical?


It's amazing to men just how much of a woman's ability to want sex is to find HERSELF sexy. Self-esteem issues are complex and hard to solve. I suppose something as easy as a gym membership and some sexy new heels and stockings wouldn't do it, huh? 

Wonder why she's not feeling attractive. If I have a couple days of that, I try to get out for a long walk with some pop music, and then go out to dinner wearing stuff that makes me feel cute.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My story isn't so dramatic. I just got ignored. He worked an opposite shift (I swear on purpose), came home as late as possible from work, and just avoided me. He'd get in bed just as I was leaving for work. Very clever I think. Rejected but had a great excuse as to why. He'd sleep all day on his or my days off. We lived like roomates that never saw each other.

In his defense I wasn't a nice wife. I get it now and it's fixed.


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## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

The other day I had freshly shaved, done my hair and make up (well put more effort into it than usual). He came home and I had made dinner while he had a nap. He said he was feeling fine after his nap, so I thought 'excellent'. 
While watching tv I went over to his couch and cuddled, then kissed him, he only wanted to peck so I said "Kiss me properly" so we started then he pulled off and said my breath stinks? (Which is crazy coz I'd brushed my teeth after dinner AND had a chewing gum in my mouth) Then told me he was joking when he saw me crying.
Then later on when he saw that I was still sad he said that he was just too tired, and that that's why he got me toys. Why would I use toys when I can have the real thing, which is much better! I want to have sex with my partner, to feel that love and connection, not with some toys that tbh do nothing for me!

It was the first time I'd initiated for a while, coz I got sick of always being rejected, and it really set in stone that I don't WANT to initiate anymore coz what's the point? It just leads to me being hurt and rejected.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

ValleyForge said:


> I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry.
> 
> Please, share your story! Get it out into the light!
> 
> ...


I just can't believe how people are so mismatched. If my x wife had put forth the effort you described, that would have banished any bad mood I would have had. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband has a drive more like my wife. 

Rejection story? I laugh about this now that I'm divorced, but after we had kids, they were usually with us; we didn't drop them off at relatives a lot like some of our friends did. Anyway, I used to have this crazy idea that if the kids were away once in a blue moon, that was a golden opportunity for intimacy. It was around the holidays and she had bought a 500 piece puzzle and had it on a side table and would work on it occasionally. The kids aunt asked to have them over one night, and to make a short story even shorter, she was excited about having time to work on the puzzle. I thought, "Okaaaaay, we're married, the kids are away, and you'd rather work a puzzle."


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

NotAlwaysEasy said:


> While watching tv I went over to his couch and cuddled, then kissed him, he only wanted to peck so I said "Kiss me properly" so we started then he pulled off and said my breath stinks? (Which is crazy coz I'd brushed my teeth after dinner AND had a chewing gum in my mouth)


OMG, this happens to me ALL OF THE TIME! He is always either telling me that I haven't showered in days (I shower every single day) or acting like I'm filthy or acting like my breath is bad. 

I didn't believe him (no one has EVER said anything like this to me before), but never the less started showering twice a day, using nice body spray, brushed my teeth right before I made a move on him - seriously you could have done open heart surgery on top of me and it would have been perfectly sterile. I couldn't have been in more pristine condition if I had been freshly unwrapped from my plastic packaging. 

Same story. 

It's just another excuse. If no one if your life has ever had a problem with your hygiene, which you know to be at least as good as any other middle class professional, I suspect it's just another way to make not having sex YOUR fault instead of theirs. In a particularly insulting way. I HATE it when he does that. It's a very very very hurtful way to say that you aren't in the mood.


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> GRAHHH. This makes me cringe SO HARD. We are working on our most recent falling out here but this drives me batty. I don't understand the man AT ALL sometimes.
> 
> My husband says to me "initiate more." No problem.
> 
> ...


You have the sexiest ideas. If ideas like those don't work, he must have had it loped off in a terrible accident and just not wanted to tell you. Maybe he's gay? Is that a possibility?


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

southbound said:


> I just can't believe how people are so mismatched. If my x wife had put forth the effort you described, that would have banished any bad mood I would have had. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband has a drive more like my wife.
> 
> Rejection story? I laugh about this now that I'm divorced, but after we had kids, they were usually with us; we didn't drop them off at relatives a lot like some of our friends did. Anyway, I used to have this crazy idea that if the kids were away once in a blue moon, that was a golden opportunity for intimacy. It was around the holidays and she had bought a 500 piece puzzle and had it on a side table and would work on it occasionally. The kids aunt asked to have them over one night, and to make a short story even shorter, she was excited about having time to work on the puzzle. I thought, "Okaaaaay, we're married, the kids are away, and you'd rather work a puzzle."



That must have been one hell of a great puzzle 

Better luck with the next lady, hopefully.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I don't know what's harder to get my head around that men or women like this exist.
My wife would NEVER offer a blank check nor would wait for me in lingerie.
But responding like the OP's husband is beyond me.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I was a sexually confident woman. Our sex life was great. Frequent and felt very connected and in tune.

He had an EA. Hurt my esteem. Since then a year ago my confidence dropped and around six months ago he started to continually reject me. He still initiated so things were not at a standstill but it was only when HE wanted to. 

Broke down about it several times. He seems to sorta understand but is not too helpfull or sympathetic about my confidence issues. He also has an entirely different recollection of things and his take is that I just STOPPED initiating but he did not turn me down like I know he did.

I have pretty much stopped inititating entirely. My confidence is shot to shreds which makes me sad thinking back to how I was. I do not dare do the stuff he suggested ( which by the way was the stuff I used to do when he turned me down) because I simply do not trust in him to want me like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

effess said:


> I don't know what's harder to get my head around that men or women like this exist.
> My wife would NEVER offer a blank check nor would wait for me in lingerie.
> But responding like the OP's husband is beyond me.


Yup, been there, felt that.
Only thing he would "take" without hesistation was a bj. 

Which was just another part of his lies and manipulation.

Ah, I digress. Who cares. 
When you are that off-kilter in life... the bottom line is you are hurting someone else by not cleaning up your own corner. Whether it's a medical issue, an affair, or insecurities you have not addressed, there will come a time when you will want to address the fact that HE is not communicating what is really going on. 

You are normal. He isn't responding "normally". And there is a reason.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

resentment can kill desire and as I get older it seems to really kill desire.

some of the things that turn me off to wanting sex with my wife are.

money problems caused by her.
poor attitude when small things happen....overreacting to simple blips in life.
always saying things like I don't feel sexy or when I compliment her she will say you are just saying that.
always listening to her stiries she can talk from sun up to sun down and is also a poor listener.
never getting any compliments back.
manunaplition of any kind.
eye rolls ....I once read an artical which said you can pre**** how long a marriage will last by how often they eye roll.
poor hygeinge


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> GRAHHH. This makes me cringe SO HARD. We are working on our most recent falling out here but this drives me batty. I don't understand the man AT ALL sometimes.
> 
> My husband says to me "initiate more." No problem.
> 
> ...


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I went down on my ex wife. She came. I moved up, holding myseelf up over her, and asked for a blowjob. She said "No". I stayed there a few seconds before getting up and walking out of the room. I was rejected after doing something good to her. That is selfish! Something I have not forgotten.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I think we should have a party....all husbands in sexless marriages and all wives in sexless marriages!!! Boy the sparks would fly!! Wahay!!!

....Joke...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

'No'. 'Go Away'. Or she'd just leave the room. Of course this was back in the stone age and we lived in caves so I'm fuzzy on the details.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I had travel for Valentines Day. I had an early flight and had to be down the road by 6:30 to the airport. I woke up at 4:30 and arranged a dozen roses on the dresser in front of the mirror with candlelight flickering all a round it. Her Valentines card was there for her to read after I had left. Norah Jones was barely audible from the kindle. Hypoallergenic massage oil was at the ready and I had a plan. Had provocatively laid out that plan through a series of sexts the day before. Everything was perfect...until I dared to wake her up from her precious sleep. That one will stick with me.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Cre8ify said:


> I had travel for Valentines Day. I had an early flight and had to be down the road by 6:30 to the airport. I woke up at 4:30 and arranged a dozen roses on the dresser in front of the mirror with candlelight flickering all a round it. Her Valentines card was there for her to read after I had left. Norah Jones was barely audible from the kindle. Hypoallergenic massage oil was at the ready and I had a plan. Had provocatively laid out that plan through a series of sexts the day before. Everything was perfect...until I dared to wake her up from her precious sleep. That one will stick with me.


What happened Cre8ify? If my H did that I would probably pass out from shock!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I eased her awake and she started complaining about having to go to work without enough sleep. We spooned for 20 minutes until she decided my idea was not the worst idea in the world...or maybe she woke up enough to realize she didn't want to send me out of town on that note. It could have been epic, but ended up a pre-emptive road trip release. Technically, not a rejection of physical sex. Just a rejection of a passionate, emotional (and highly anticipated by me at least) connection.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I sincerely hope she learnt from it. Saw the effort you had gone to etc and realised she was out of order...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK, I'll re-tell my V-day story

V day this year was a weekday and my wife gave me an envelope with the words "for your eyes only" on the envelope

Inside the envelope was a new thong (for her folks, not me!). Of course, I was excited 

However, nothing happened that night. NOTHING but i was OK with that since the kids had school, and we both had work the next day.

So the weeken rolls around and I'm thinking it should be great. Guess what? Nothing! I tried intiating one night and was basically pushed away. Stupid me, I thought she'd put the thong on and intiate!

Long story short, it was a total of 10 days from V day before we were intimate and it didn't involve the thong!

I think it was about two weeks later that I put the empty envelope the thong came in in the trash can in our room with the writing facing up so she could see it. She did and then asked me why it was in the trash. Simply told her that two weeks or so had passed since she gave them to me and I hadn't seen her in them so I put them back with the rest of her undies. No comment from her on that.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I think it was about two weeks later that I put the empty envelope the thong came in in the trash can in our room with the writing facing up so she could see it. She did and then asked me why it was in the trash. Simply told her that two weeks or so had passed since she gave them to me and I hadn't seen her in them so I put them back with the rest of her undies. No comment from her on that.


I have to admit that I don't get why you didn't just ask what was up. IMHO it would have worked out so much better if you'd started a conversation like, "I love my valentines day present! I've been dying to see you in it, and it's driving me crazy that we haven't had a chance to wear it! How about tonight?" At least then she would have known that you loved it and wanted to see her in it. 

From there she could have said anything from "I was hoping you'd like it, but the moment hasn't been right" to, "I got it but I'm embarassed to wear it". Maybe she was waiting for you to put them on her.

From this side of the fence post it seems like when you threw the envelope away you were more interested in making a statement about how unhappy you are than communicating or expressing your enthusiasm for her gift. What's up with that? It's just my opinion, but now you have two problems on your hands.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

GPR said:


> This just baffles my mind every time. I'm wanting to have sex with her, and she is rejecting me by telling me that I'm not attracted to her? How is that logical?


My fiancee explained it to me early on in our relationship that, when she felt unattractive, that I wanted sex with her, NOT because I was attracted to her, but because I just wanted to get my rocks off and she was the only option (unless I cheated). So she viewed it not as me seeing her as attractive, but as her being a hole to stick my junk.

She's since come around to my line of thinking, and she understands I do think she is VERY attractive. But it took a while for her to understand that I do view her as beatiful and not just a tool.


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## courseplotter (May 8, 2012)

This one is easy.

"Not now. I need another 45 minutes to finish writing a post on my message board."

1.5 hours later: "15 more minutes? I'm almost done!"


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> I have to admit that I don't get why you didn't just ask what was up. IMHO it would have worked out so much better if you'd started a conversation like, "I love my valentines day present! I've been dying to see you in it, and it's driving me crazy that we haven't had a chance to wear it! How about tonight?" At least then she would have known that you loved it and wanted to see her in it.
> 
> From there she could have said anything from "I was hoping you'd like it, but the moment hasn't been right" to, "I got it but I'm embarassed to wear it". Maybe she was waiting for you to put them on her.
> 
> From this side of the fence post it seems like when you threw the envelope away you were more interested in making a statement about how unhappy you are than communicating or expressing your enthusiasm for her gift. What's up with that? It's just my opinion, but now you have two problems on your hands.


PPL,

No, I don't have two problems. It's the same problem, just a different day.

This has been an ongoing issue in our marriage for a while now. We've talked and things get better for a few weeks. Then counseling. things got better for a while. Books, exercises etc. Got the T-shirts!

Our biggest issue is frequency followed by my desire to have her intiate more (only twice so far this year) but I can look past the initiating issue. It's things like the falling asleep and failure to follow-through on spoken promises (and the promises were never ones made as a result of anything I said or complained about, they were all spontaneous on her part)

The last time we talked about promises made, instead of her saying "Wow. You're right. Maybe what I should do is if I drift off because I'm so tired (or any other excuse) I will make it up to you the next day/night)" what she said was "I guess I should stop saying those things" - F'ing Great


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

For some of the posters in this thread, my goodness I feel sorry for you, especially the original poster and Lamaga. I'd sell a kidney on the black market to hear my fiancee say "Here's a blank check, let's go cash it." 

My rejections are big, but plenty. My ex-wife made rejection an art, and even when sex was available, I had to pleasure her orally every time, but not before spending 15 minutes rubbing her back, legs, etc. just to get her in the mood. After about 40 minutes of pleasuring her, then I'd get mine, which was essentially 95% missionary position and would only last a few minutes maximum before I'd go. She'd then jump out of bed like she was on a spring, wipe up and head back to the living room. Sex was brutal with her during the marriage.

For my current fiancee, the worst rejection I remember getting was about a year-and-a-half into the relationship. Me and my kids had come over (we weren't living together yet) for a visit. I had shorts on and boxers underneath. She had gone outside and was sitting on the steps, and I came out to see what she was doing. I guess the way she was sitting and I was standing, she could see up my shorts a fair bit, and she decided to reach up and a "get a handful" of the golden goose.

Well she did this far a few minutes, got me pretty amped up, but the I had to go home because it was bedtime for my kids. But it was still early and she knew I was in the mood so i suggested she follow me home (I only lived a 5 minute drive away)>

She said she might have to do that, but in a playful way, which I thought meant she was coming over. So I rush home and basically throw the kids in bed, and get ready for a happy night.

Two hours goes by, she never shows up. Then she calls. She elected to dye her hair instead and that's why she didn't come over. I was hurt and rather pissed that she got me all fired up with what amounted basically to a hand job (and it had been a week since we'd had sex, so she knew what she was starting when she reached up my shorts in the first place), but elected to just stay home instead.

Another time with my fiancee, she was in bed when I came down to the bedroom and I asked her why she was lying down (it was middle of the day). She whipped the covers back and said she was waiting for me. Well she was naked as a jaybird, and that got me revved up and we ended up having really good sex.

So maybe a few months later I'm in the mood and in a playful way, so I fgure what the heck, I'll try the same thing. She comes out of the bathroom in our room and starts to leave the room. I ask her where's she's going and she says the kitchen or someplace, so I reply with "Why would you leave when you have a naked man in your bed" and whip back the covers to show her in all my erect glory. 

All she said was "I knew you were naked, but I'm not in the mood," and you could tell she was just hoping I wouldn't have made a move at all. That one made me tear up a little after she left the room.

From my marriage, and some of the stuff that's happened in the early part of this relationship, I am really gunshy about putting much effort into any efforts at initiating sex now. Rejection is one thing, but to get kicked in the balls is another.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> The last time we talked about promises made, instead of her saying "Wow. You're right. Maybe what I should do is if I drift off because I'm so tired (or any other excuse) I will make it up to you the next day/night)" what she said was "I guess I should stop saying those things" - F'ing Great


And this is a perfect example of why people are afraid to talk about their sex problems with their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. Communication is a must, but it sure feels like it can backfire on you when you explain a problem and other person says something like this.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Those are harsh kingsfan. I know for myself, and expect for all the 3 amigos here (C'mon aboard Tofer), I have never once declined an advance by my wife. I know that doing it would set off a nuclear detonation the likes of my marriage has never seen. I was reading another thread about teasing your woman. After living through enough rejection it gets pretty easy to "abort mission". I could change the trajectory of my entire life with foreplay...perhaps extensive foreplay...never mind. How's that for resentment.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Our biggest issue is frequency followed by my desire to have her intiate more (only twice so far this year) but I can look past the initiating issue. It's things like the falling asleep and failure to follow-through on spoken promises (and the promises were never ones made as a result of anything I said or complained about, they were all spontaneous on her part)
> 
> The last time we talked about promises made, instead of her saying "Wow. You're right. Maybe what I should do is if I drift off because I'm so tired (or any other excuse) I will make it up to you the next day/night)" what she said was "I guess I should stop saying those things" - F'ing Great


It's just my opinion, and worth the paper it's printed on (if that), that keeping score only serves to damage a marriage. In one respect, she's right. If saying something and not following through is a thorn in the marriage, then the best solution is not to say them. If, on the other hand, having good intentions, keeping the communication open, and making an effort is important then perhaps the times when she does follow through are more important than the times when she doesn't.

If my wife kept score I'd be out on the streets. Some people literally do not have that self-starting spark when it comes to certain things. I am one of them. Some things that she would love for me to initiate literally do not occur to me spontaniously. But once she initiates them, I enjoy doing them with her (I'm referring to non-sexual things).

I wish you the absolute best in your marriage. Tell her how beautiful she looks when she's sleeping, and then seduce her at the next opportunity. Attitude, IMHO, is everything.


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> In one respect, she's right. If saying something and not following through is a thorn in the marriage, then the best solution is not to say them.
> 
> If, on the other hand, having good intentions, keeping the communication open, and making an effort is important then perhaps the times when she does follow through are more important than the times when she doesn't.


The best solution is to not make passive-aggressive situations where you lure your partner into a sexual situation just so you can have another opportunity to reject them.

He shouldn't have to hope that she'll decide to follow through on a promise. That's why they call it a promise and not a I'm-Just-F***ing-With-You-And-Have-No-Plans-Of-Delivering. That's not exercising your prerogative, that's just being mean and thoughtless because you know you can get away with it.

Wow, that sounded bitter!

This girl needs to go have a drink and watch a comedy before she gets back on the forum.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

ValleyForge said:


> The best solution is to not make passive-aggressive situations where you lure your partner into a sexual situation just so you can have another opportunity to reject them.


I must have missed the post where he said that she lured him into situations in order to reject him. That would indeed be cruel.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Valley and lamaga: I would have thought that I had died and gone to heaven if either of those two scenarios had played themselves out in either of my marriages. The fault lies not in either of you two fantastic women, but in your men.

They had the problems that far outrode the solutions that you were so willingly wanting to try. You two are to be richly commended, and should I ever meet a gal who is like that, then she'll be my keeper!

God bless you two girls! I'm so very sorry for your heartaches brought on by such uncaring men!

And Kingsfan: Been there! Done that! I can richly attest to your pain, Sir! I truly hope that for both of our sakes, that things of this nature show some marked improvement!


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I can only speak for myself, but in my experience marriage includes forgivness and a constant commitment to _helping_ each other be better marriage partners. If my wife has difficulty in any aspect of our marriage but expresses a desire for change, then I have a vested interest in helping her and an obligation to help her. The same is true when the tables are turned between us.

If either of us has no intention to follow through, then it's disingenous to promise and the marriage is over anyway. If, on the other hand, we have good intentions then a helping hand goes a lot further than expectation. If my goal is simply nothing more than to hold her to a promise out of biterness and hurt, rather than to help her help _us_ to improve our marriage, then what have I really achieved? I would seriously need to ask myself if my goal is a happier and more fulfilling marriage, or changing her behaviour and counting who initiated what. The first question that needs to be asked every day is, "How can I help you meet your goals in our marriage?"

I have been in a sexless marriage, and felt the hurt and rejection. We wouldn't be in a these kinds of situations if either of us were capable of making these changes without the love and support of the other. Just because either of us promises changes doesn't mean that we understand what is necessary to follow through or are capable of doing so without the loving help of our partner. If my wife needs a loving seduction to get in the mood for sex, then getting angry because she doesn't self start not only doesn't change that but damages our marriage. I have a vested interest and an obligation to keep trying, and she has the same. When either of us loses sight of that, the other has to lovingly bring us back to the table.

It's just my opinion, but I believe that by being constantly encouraging and loving we stand a much better of chance of seeing the kinds of changes in our marriage that we hope for. 

Just my $.02



ValleyForge said:


> He shouldn't have to hope that she'll decide to follow through on a promise. That's why they call it a promise and not a I'm-Just-F***ing-With-You-And-Have-No-Plans-Of-Delivering. That's not exercising your prerogative, that's just being mean and thoughtless because you know you can get away with it.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> GRAHHH. This makes me cringe SO HARD. We are working on our most recent falling out here but this drives me batty. I don't understand the man AT ALL sometimes.
> 
> My husband says to me "initiate more." No problem.
> 
> ...


not to go off topic, but FF, you said i sounded a little bit like your husband in my thread... i'm sorry, but each and every single thing you did was downright, unequivocal "yes's" in my book (i would give my most prized possession to get something like that, no pun intended  ). getting rejected like that is downright insane. madness, i say. madness.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There are men on here who are like your H. And they complain because their wives want to do more than missionary and they don't.





ValleyForge said:


> I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry.
> 
> Please, share your story! Get it out into the light!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have a lot of these- 

I hopped in the shower before bed, my husband was already in bed when i got out of the shower. I thought to my self hmmm. So i got into bed naked. He was asleep and I woke him up, fondling him.. He woke up sat strait up and said "I am not in the ****ing mood" got up and slept on the couch. 

And this my friends is pretty much why i stopped initiating. I have only initiated twice since then.

Not to mention what I bought my h for his birthday. I got him 2 of those sex coupon booklets and a pair of handcuffs. Money wasted, I should have known better, but i thought what the hell, he might actually use them. *sigh*


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I suspect that its quite common for very LD women to flirt or make suggestive comments to their husbands to try to give the impression that they are 'sexual' when infact they have no intentions of actually seeing 'it' through to the end.

This is a 'ploy' my own wife uses...she comes on to me or makes very suggestive comments at times when she knows I can't take her up on it - like just as the taxi cab turns up to take me to the airport or when I have overslept and am running late for an important meeting. 

Its 'safe' for her.....means that when I want to discuss our sex life (lack of) she can throw it back at me saying that she DOES instigate, she DOES make a pass at me....and she does, but always at times when I simply cannot take her up on her offer.

When I can and try to re-kindle her earlier desire I get met with comments like 'Sorry, you missed the boat'...or...'Not interested now'...

Cunning.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Toffer,
This was abusive behavior on her part - and you simply refused to deal with it directly. 

It's your marriage - this is one reason it is broken. I imagine this is not the first time she blatantly teased you and then acted dumb. THAT is calculated cruelty. It is different from your other issues with her. 

And your response was a version of "you hurt my feelings". Which is not an assertion of boundaries. 




Toffer said:


> OK, I'll re-tell my V-day story
> 
> V day this year was a weekday and my wife gave me an envelope with the words "for your eyes only" on the envelope
> 
> ...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

All,

Thanks for the thoughts! Just to address a few issues:

pplwatching wrote: 
"It's just my opinion, and worth the paper it's printed on (if that), that keeping score only serves to damage a marriage" - ppl, I do agree with this. I only started to keep score after it got to the point of me questioning my own sanity regarding this issue.

"In one respect, she's right. If saying something and not following through is a thorn in the marriage, then the best solution is not to say them. If, on the other hand, having good intentions, keeping the communication open, and making an effort is important then perhaps the times when she does follow through are more important than the times when she doesn't" - Agree, but please keep in mind that since the beginning of this year, my wife has intiated twice. TWICE! While she (like you) isn't a self starter, I have also been on the receiving end of the rejection and been shoot down more times than Snoopy when he went up against the Red Baron.

"Tell her how beautiful she looks when she's sleeping, and then seduce her at the next opportunity. Attitude, IMHO, is everything" - I agree. My wife has even told me that she's always appreciated the way I treat her and have always told her how beautiful I thought she was whether she was 9 months pregnant, wearing a size 14 or now that she's a size 6.

Cre8ify said - " After living through enough rejection it gets pretty easy to "abort mission". I could change the trajectory of my entire life with foreplay...perhaps extensive foreplay...never mind. How's that for resentment." - I agree. I've gotten to that point too at times.

One of our issues is that since we little chance to spend time together during the week (mostly do to my schedule) I really look forward to our time together over the weekends. naturally, this would be the opportune time for an intimate relation. Yesterday, she was complaining about a girl's get together for a friend's Bday and how she didn't really want to go but felt she had to for "at least and hour". I thought maybe we'd be able to spend more time together that way. Well the one hour turned into 6. She left at 2 PM and came home at 8 PM. I had to hit the sack about an hour and a half later. 

Also, she works in the school system and is in between regular session and summer session for 2 weeks now so I had hoped that our romantic life would improve. Not really. Not even sure what time she came to bed last night but I didn;t even try. Just can't be bothered. Sad commentary huh?

Valley, while I don't think she doesn't follow through on her promises intentionally, I wish she'd just see what it does to me. I even explained it to her as "what if I said to you "hey baby, I am going to take you diamond shopping tomorrow so be ready!" and then when tomorrow arrives, I don't say anything else and we just sit around at home. That's when I got the "I guess I'd better not say things like that anymore" speech.

ppl, while she didn't lure me into situations to reject me, what did happen made me feel rejected and not very high up on her priority list


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MEM,

I know it was a FAIL on my part. I have taken it up a notch and started to call her on it but haven't seen too much improvement on it but i am still working on it...for now


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

7737 said:


> I suspect that its quite common for very LD women to flirt or make suggestive comments to their husbands to try to give the impression that they are 'sexual' when infact they have no intentions of actually seeing 'it' through to the end.
> 
> This is a 'ploy' my own wife uses...she comes on to me or makes very suggestive comments at times when she knows I can't take her up on it - like just as the taxi cab turns up to take me to the airport or when I have overslept and am running late for an important meeting.
> 
> ...


Now that you know she does this, you need to call her on it.

When she initiates at a time you aren't available, make sure she knows that you know what she is doing. Just say, "This doesn't count as you initiating, because you know I have to leave. I expect you to initiate when I am available." If you don't remember to do it at the time, send her a text afterwards telling her your feelings.

I think you calling her on it, will stop this behavior.


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## quietkat42 (Jul 2, 2012)

Here we go:

My husband makes me feel like a "street walker" if you know what I mean, when I try to bring up sex more often in our marriage. He says he is content to have sex twice a month but it has been 4 months since he even tried! Before that it was 3 months and only because he picked up on the signs of me being upset about it. 
We have been married about 5 years and together 8. At first we had sex during the day time as well as night but not any more. Now there are rules like only at night, only missionary. If I try to initiate sex, I get turned down.
He swears he is not gay and not having an affair but . . .
I am in my early 40's, overweight, and the kids have moved out. In 20 or so years, I want to retire but not to this!
So when I say I understand your situation, I really do.
Sorry you are going through it as well. 
I have thought about hiring a PI to investigate an affair but how do you force someone out of denial if they are gay?
He went to the doctor today and is getting the testosterone checked but . . .
What do you think?


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## quietkat42 (Jul 2, 2012)

quietkat42 said:


> Here we go:
> 
> My husband makes me feel like a "street walker" if you know what I mean, when I try to bring up sex more often in our marriage. He says he is content to have sex twice a month but it has been 4 months since he even tried! Before that it was 3 months and only because he picked up on the signs of me being upset about it.
> We have been married about 5 years and together 8. At first we had sex during the day time as well as night but not any more. Now there are rules like only at night, only missionary. If I try to initiate sex, I get turned down.
> ...


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## quietkat42 (Jul 2, 2012)

NotAlwaysEasy said:


> The other day I had freshly shaved, done my hair and make up (well put more effort into it than usual). He came home and I had made dinner while he had a nap. He said he was feeling fine after his nap, so I thought 'excellent'.
> While watching tv I went over to his couch and cuddled, then kissed him, he only wanted to peck so I said "Kiss me properly" so we started then he pulled off and said my breath stinks? (Which is crazy coz I'd brushed my teeth after dinner AND had a chewing gum in my mouth) Then told me he was joking when he saw me crying.
> Then later on when he saw that I was still sad he said that he was just too tired, and that that's why he got me toys. Why would I use toys when I can have the real thing, which is much better! I want to have sex with my partner, to feel that love and connection, not with some toys that tbh do nothing for me!
> 
> It was the first time I'd initiated for a while, coz I got sick of always being rejected, and it really set in stone that I don't WANT to initiate anymore coz what's the point? It just leads to me being hurt and rejected.


I totally agree and get it.
My husband always says no when it is something that would "help" me. And my husband doesn't like me using toys but he won't touch me either.
Hang in there! You are beautiful whether he sees it or not!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
I really do NOT think your wife was being mean. I think she had something specific in mind.
Like you walking in a night - just before bed - tossing the thong on the bed and saying:
Slowly undress in a way that will please me. And then put THAT on.

Anything other than a clear - safe word type response - and you push it. 

I am fairly certain of one thing. You have zero chance of getting your W to stop initiating. Your goal needs to be twofold:
- learn an approach she likes
- tell her that the casual rejection is not ok by the WAY you behave after it happens. Just say "tomorrow" like a statement not a question. And then stay cool reserved until show time the next night. If she shuts you down sequentially when you are that firm - you know where you stand



Toffer said:


> MEM,
> 
> I know it was a FAIL on my part. I have taken it up a notch and started to call her on it but haven't seen too much improvement on it but i am still working on it...for now


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I only started to keep score after it got to the point of me questioning my own sanity regarding this issue.





> please keep in mind that since the beginning of this year, my wife has intiated twice. TWICE! While she (like you) isn't a self starter, I have also been on the receiving end of the rejection and been shoot down more times than Snoopy when he went up against the Red Baron.


My wife also very rarely imitates sex. During the sexless period in our marriage I felt the same emotions that you feel. Internalizing the problem made it worse. What I discovered was that the way that I approached the problem made all the difference in the world.

Stop and ask yourself what is the heart of the matter here. Is it that she won't initiate sex, or that you're not having sex? Which of these two can you approach and work on together as a couple? Which one puts the responsibility in her lap, and which one lets you both be a part of the solution?



> Just can't be bothered. Sad commentary huh?


This is an indictment of your lover. It may convey how you feel, but it is a very broad brush stroke and may not accurately paint the subtleties of the whole picture. 

There are very few people who respond well to criticism. It turned out that what my wife needed to hear wasn't that she was rejecting me, or not meeting my sexual needs. Those are both criticisms of her as a lover. She didn't want sex and didn't know how to “fix” that. What she needed to hear was that I missed intimacy and deep connection to her that sex made me feel. She needed to know that while I would never cheat, that a lack of any sort of sex life was deeply affecting me and in turn eroding the quality of our marriage. She needed to hear that I wanted her to enjoy sex, that sex made our marriage deeper and stronger, and that I was willing to make an effort with her. 

In my experience (I posted our story in the “long term success” area.), the only thing that I have any real control over is my own attitude and approach to how I communicate with her. I'm sure it sounds like I'm being obtuse, but if keeping score is causing problems for you in terms of bitterness and resentment then stop keeping score.



> One of our issues is that since we little chance to spend time together during the week (mostly do to my schedule) I really look forward to our time together over the weekends. naturally, this would be the opportune time for an intimate relation.


Try starting with “I really miss the intimacy of sharing myself with you, and it's something that I think is worth working on together. ” Don't accept promises or solutions that you already know are not in her nature. Instead, offer concrete steps that are practical. “Let's pencil in a regular time to be intimate. I'll agree to be flexible if you will, and if something comes up then we pencil in the next best time." “Lets agree that if I initiate you'll be open to the possibility of having sex, and I will be open to the fact that it might not happen if it's just not happening.” "If either of us can't get into the mood, then we'll talk instead, but we both agree that the effort is what it's important.” 

My personal philosophy is that it's important to be a proactive part of the solution. I realize that won't work for everyone, but when what you are doing isn't working then perhaps it's time to try something different.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

ppl,

During our last discussion, I was very careful to make statements like "I feel" and not statements like "you don't do this" or "you did this" to try and keep it non-confrontatational and it was effective

During the last conversation I did phrase it and raise the points very closely to what you did. I built on the issues of intimacy in a marriage and how important it was

The conversation went pretty well actually except for a few places.

I've kept score not as a source of causing me pain but as a way of seeing where were were but since our last conversation I do not consciously do it anymore. It's just that some of these numbers are now permantently engrained in my brain.

She had no idea about the frequency of our love life and estimated it WAY TOO HIGH. 

I have tried some very simular approaches as you've outlined with limited success. I think it's just wearing on me now afetr 26 years of marriage


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

My husband was rejecting my advances and I finally addressed the issue with a conversation and told him how it was making me feel... he stopped rejecting me, but now he is having ED issues, and actually I realize he was starting to have them then, because my drive is up and I'm not sure what is going on. At the original time he claimed all sorts of excuses, however, I have also been in the flip situation where I rejected him, a time in my life when just had two kids back to back, was tired all the time, had no me time, was under so much emotional stress from family, and marriage wasn't a priority... so I've been on both sides, I get it. I see that it was easier for him to reject then to face the issue that he is having some sex problems himself, because back then I was my hormones were off, my drive was low and when we did have sex it took me forever to get off and he would ask about it and feel bad like it was his fault and it had nothing to do with him... just like his ED has nothing to do with me. I think the important thing is that just like back then, we keep communication open, we discuss what we liked then, and what we like now (we're talking a major 7 year gap) so things have changed, and most couples will talk details about everything but when it comes to sex people shut down, even lately I have realized my husband and I have had the most in depth conversations that we have never had before... it's nice. Start there with your husband... and more forward, slowly and realize fixing it takes time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I have a lot of these-
> 
> I hopped in the shower before bed, my husband was already in bed when i got out of the shower. I thought to my self hmmm. So i got into bed naked. He was asleep and I woke him up, fondling him.. He woke up sat strait up and said "I am not in the ****ing mood" got up and slept on the couch.
> 
> ...


I'd have melted and needed to change my shorts if my fiancee handed me a sex coupon booklet and handcuffs. I'd be like a kid in a candy store, which candy jar do you raid first. And just like a kid in a candy store, I would wreck the place. She'd be walking more bowlegged than a cowboy for weeks.

Reading comments like this makes me want to pimp slap a few men out there.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

While I have not fixed all of this, I have found a way to make significant progress. For us, I have redefined what sex is and have asked for sex every day. For instance these all qualify:

Shower with no arousal (just want to wash her hair)
Undressing in the order I prescribe (jeans/topless always the goal and I gush)
Foot massage (always lights her up, I eventually get her)
New clothes purchase fashion show (great idea no bra and gush)
Deep, 10 second kiss while walking the dog
Cuddling qualifies if I can get my hands into her neck and hairline.

The idea is every one of these has enough overtones to get the tingling started but they are not as threatening as "full on sex"!

If they lead to sex when I introduced the idea as not being a prelude to sex I am unapologetic. I don't have to be because I was probably not the one who escalated things. I just set the table.

I think what primarily happens here is we take the age old, battle of wills controversy off the table and with it all of the history and baggage we bring. This is a new, smaller issue to work together on, maybe call it baby steps.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

It seems i need to reject my partner a few times to see if she comes up with these tasty things you tried... Hmmm... Nah, i can't do it, i'm too weak and easily tempted. She just has to parade a bit in my line of sight and she knows it...

I'm apparently doomed.


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## ForeverIS (May 19, 2012)

ValleyForge said:


> 1. My husband and I were fighting, so I decided to try to make things better with a really hot romp. I went out and bought special lingerie that I thought was his type, did porn-star makeup, and pig tails. When he got home, I gave him his fav dinner and tried to coy up to him on the couch. As soon as I touched him he intentionally started a fight about something I don't even remember, because he knows being angry kills my mood immediately. After he made it clear he was having none of it, I went upstairs, showered off my makeup and cute hair, put on the grungiest sweats I could find, and went back downstairs to curl up with a book hoping he would see how sad I was. He was perfectly content the rest of the night.
> 
> 2. Recently, I told him that I wanted to try new things in bed. I asked him if there was anything he would like to try that he'd never tried before, or hadn't done with me. I told him "Anything you can think of, I don't care what it is, I'll do it. Blank check. Guaranteed delivery, no take backs." He told me we pretty much already were doing everything he was interested in (which means 5-10 minutes of no-foreplay missionary once every month or two) and that he was tired and didn't want to talk about this. Dude, BLANK CHECK? And you "don't want to talk about it"?!?
> 
> ...


I have seen some very sad posts here on this forum but some them here in this thread have to be the saddest. This one from you ValleyForge is so sad and I have a hard time even putting words together. I mean blank check? Really? You are the kind of woman most every guy would dream of being with. I would have needed some time to process the awesomeness of that statement. I'm sorry but your man is just a ********* who has no concept of how good he has it. I have years of rejection stories from my wife.
One that comes to mind was I have always found my wife to be super hot. She gained a bunch of weight after our son was born but that never changed my opinion of her. I always thought she was sexy as anything and would tell her that all the time. She came in the room one time dressed up we were going somewhere and I thought she looked really good so I grabbed my crotch and told her I really thought we should fool around before we went out and she said I looked like a dirty old man when I grabbed myself. I was like 37 at the time so not so old and if I was dirty it was for her but that statement made me feel like crap. 
Another time she said, "I'll take care of you" which was her code for bj. So I went and grabbed a shower and came out all happy cause I was gonna get it. She was in the living room watching tv. She watched tv for like an hour meanwhile looking over at me and smiling. Finally I went to bed. She came in a woke me up I looked and it was 4 hours later so I just went to sleep. She also literally pulled away from every kiss or hug for like the last 5 years of our marriage like I was disgusting or something. Real killer to my self esteem which before my wife was pretty high. 
Oh and ValleyForge just so you know pigtails=extremely hot!!!


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

I'll add one (of dozens) of mine:

I know that my wife is big on not getting up early in the morning, and I'm just the opposite. I like to get up early, go to the gym, get the workout in, and get to work.

One particular Friday about a month ago I told my wife I would get up early with the kids and get them off to school, so she could sleep in. So I wake up -- without an alarm -- at 5:45, head to the gym, hit the weights, and then make it home by 7. I get both of the kids up, fed, and out of the house by 7:40 to catch the bus.

My wife knew I didn't have to be at work until 9:45 that day, so I figured my timing for once was good. Empty house, wife who slept in, testosterone raging from the gym workout -- what could possibly go wrong? 

I undress downstairs, walk into the bedroom, and with one hand on the bathroom door, I say "Why don't you join me in the shower? There's plenty of room." To which she replies, "I think I'm going to go back to sleep....I'm really tired." Mind you, she was in bed and asleep at 10:30 the night before, and didn't set the alarm to get the kids, so they probably woke her up when they came upstairs to kiss her goodbye at 7:40.

Needless to say, I took my shower, got dressed, and left the house without saying another word to her.


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## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

Recently been told by my H that he didn't want to have sex our wedding night. Ahh!!!!! Really? And I really enjoy sex, but my H also has recently informed me he doesn't enjoy sex and want to do it as often. How do I cope with this? We are still young and new to marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mm04 said:


> Recently been told by my H that he didn't want to have sex our wedding night. Ahh!!!!! Really? And I really enjoy sex, but my H also has recently informed me he doesn't enjoy sex and want to do it as often. How do I cope with this? We are still young and new to marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it's any consolation, my STBXW and I didn't do the deed on our wedding night either. She claimed to be just too tired from all of the receptions and the long drive to a major metropolitan airport hotel. Actually waited until we arrived in Cancun late the next afternoon!

I still felt somewhat slighted!


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## mm04 (Jun 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> If it's any consolation, my STBXW and I didn't do the deed on our wedding night either. She claimed to be just too tired from all of the receptions and the long drive to a major metropolitan airport hotel. Actually waited until we arrived in Cancun late the next afternoon!
> 
> I still felt somewhat slighted!


My sister and her ex H didn't either... But their reason was because the honeymoon suite wasn't wHat my sister wanted and she threw a fit... 

With my H, he didn't want to because we had so protection (condoms). That simply made him not want to do it... We did it anyways but he didn't finish... It wasn't what I had expected...at all. Now being married, I have repetively told him that I enjoy the sex and that's because he's the only man I've ever been with to give me an orgasim.. Many of them. So why such a rejection to sex. Being married just about a year and it's only once a month, and he's been taking care of his sexual needs himself when I'm gone away at work or something, do that he doesn't have sex ... I don't understand. I'm honestly very hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

MM that is so sad 
Do you think he has a porn problem?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Toffer,
Why didnt you ever just ask your wife what she was thinking when she got the thong. She clearly had something in mind, something fun. Why not just take the "I think I was supposed to do something with that gift. I need you to tell me what that was since I wasn't able to figure it out".

I think she may play dumb. You should not let her. Don't be a jerk, just don't let her dismiss it. 

Somehow - her rejecting you has become a toxic part of your marriage. And the tease/reject is the worst type. Stop jamming to communication channel with your disappointment and disapproval, and ASK her what's in her head. 




Toffer said:


> ppl,
> 
> During our last discussion, I was very careful to make statements like "I feel" and not statements like "you don't do this" or "you did this" to try and keep it non-confrontatational and it was effective
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Putting it in the trash was a non verbal "I'm angry you suck" response. Part of the reason you are in this bad place is a lack of asking questions, and then staying on point. The goal is comprehension. She understands you perfectly. It is you who needs to know more. This is why talking about (when she already knows) how you feel is so totally counterproductive:
- it implies she hasnt been listening for decades
- it focuses the conversation on "your" feelings - which is foolish since, if that were a motivator for her, you wouldn be having the conversation at all
- by the time you finish that part, she is not in the frame of mind to tell you anything that improves your understanding of "HER"






MEM11363 said:


> Toffer,
> Why didnt you ever just ask your wife what she was thinking when she got the thong. She clearly had something in mind, something fun. Why not just take the "I think I was supposed to do something with that gift. I need you to tell me what that was since I wasn't able to figure it out".
> 
> I think she may play dumb. You should not let her. Don't be a jerk, just don't let her dismiss it.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

mm04 said:


> Recently been told by my H that he didn't want to have sex our wedding night. Ahh!!!!! Really? And I really enjoy sex, but my H also has recently informed me he doesn't enjoy sex and want to do it as often. How do I cope with this? We are still young and new to marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where do you find these guys? He doesn't enjoy sex?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Putting it in the trash was a non verbal "I'm angry you suck" response. Part of the reason you are in this bad place is a lack of asking questions, and then staying on point. The goal is comprehension. She understands you perfectly. It is you who needs to know more. This is why talking about (when she already knows) how you feel is so totally counterproductive:
> - it implies she hasnt been listening for decades
> - it focuses the conversation on "your" feelings - which is foolish since, if that were a motivator for her, you wouldn be having the conversation at all
> - by the time you finish that part, she is not in the frame of mind to tell you anything that improves your understanding of "HER"
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Toffer,
This is difficult stuff. I remember a very low key conversation maybe 6-8 months ago. 
Me: is there anything I should be doing differently? (I was asking since she was getting to the finish less than 1/5)
W: no, we're good, really
Me: ok
W: even if i didn't like it, I would still do it for you because I know that it is important to you
Me: (thought bubble) Hmmm - utterly at a loss - was that a hypothetical - best to not speak at this point

Every once in a while - two to three weeks - it is mutual. 

I never cared if she initiated, definitely cared that she would warm up.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mem,

It's really not about the initiating per se. I see that as just another symptom. I have received more non-verbal rejections than I'd like to count

One of her biggest complaints was that I would intiate after she was in bed for a bit (and by a "bit" I'm talking 5 or 10 mins. tops) and she'd already be asleep or almost.

Part of the issue is that I would usually be in bed by 10 and she's often go later due to some of the other volunteer work she had going on. Her coming into the bed typically woke me and we'd hold hands, or I'd caress her or rub her back (mind you, this went on very often and did not always broadcast me wanting sex). Inevitably, she'd be asleep in under 5 mins (this is a woman who fell asleep at an Eric Clapton concert once) and did not respond well if I tried to carry it to the next level, typically rolling away from me leaving her back facing me and/or pushing my hand(s) away. 

At times I would continue and we'd have sex (and she enjoyed it too) but after a while it feels as if you're molesting someone! Guess I've gotten tired of that feeling.

Before you ask, the falling asleep in 5 mins has been discussed with her Dr and they have't found a thing. Most times it turns out that the person who does this doesn't get enough sleep but that's not the case with the wife. She gets (on average) 8 hours a night.

I know what my options are at this point. Suck it up or move on since the "change the behavior" option doesn't seem to last for long.

Now that I'm 50, I find the suck it up option to me more appealing because to be honest, Leaving for work at 6 AM every day and getting home at 7 PM or later doesn't leave much time for a real life. She is a great person and I enjoy being with her and she takes good care of me (don't kill the cash cow I guess). Yeah, I know I could get the same care from my mother but mom is just too old to take care of her baby boy I guess!

Lately I've just felt that I'm done talking and I'm done listening. I just feel .....meh.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> If it's any consolation, my STBXW and I didn't do the deed on our wedding night either. She claimed to be just too tired from all of the receptions and the long drive to a major metropolitan airport hotel. Actually waited until we arrived in Cancun late the next afternoon!
> 
> I still felt somewhat slighted!


I told my fiancee that the only thing I want to be guranteed for our wedding is a say in what goes on and sex on the wedding night. I do not care how tired/drunk/whatever we are, sex is a must for me. I'd be VERY disappointed if there wasn't any until the next day.

That said, my fiancee has already planned to have a "nice surprise" for me the wedding night that she says "I will love and won't forget" I have no idea what that is, but I will be happy to find out


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh, I just remembered this. 

My h was on a trip for 2 wks and I missed him. Out of boredom and craziness, I gave myself a DIY brazilian job (yeah, using tweezers, if you can imagine how 3#%$^& uncomfortable that was). Thought it would be exciting. When he finally came back, I tried to initiate and he saw my handy job, made a face, said "I don't like that, why do you do weird things?", and went to sleep (jet lag, sure).


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Oh, I just remembered this.
> 
> My h was on a trip for 2 wks and I missed him. Out of boredom and craziness, I gave myself a DIY brazilian job (yeah, using tweezers, if you can imagine how 3#%$^& uncomfortable that was). Thought it would be exciting. When he finally came back, I tried to initiate and he saw my handy job, made a face, said "I don't like that, why do you do weird things?", and went to sleep (jet lag, sure).


There is someone doing something weird in that post, but it wasn't you or your brazilian.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mm04 said:


> My sister and her ex H didn't either... But their reason was because the honeymoon suite wasn't wHat my sister wanted and she threw a fit...
> 
> With my H, he didn't want to because we had so protection (condoms). That simply made him not want to do it... We did it anyways but he didn't finish... It wasn't what I had expected...at all. Now being married, I have repetively told him that I enjoy the sex and that's because he's the only man I've ever been with to give me an orgasim.. Many of them. So why such a rejection to sex. Being married just about a year and it's only once a month, and he's been taking care of his sexual needs himself when I'm gone away at work or something, do that he doesn't have sex ... I don't understand. I'm honestly very hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Came across your thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-spirituality/50543-eharmony-other-dating-sites.html

He most likely sensed that you are not that into him. In your thread, you never gave up the eharmony man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I remarried in 2000. I was 50 and he was 44. Our sex life before and after the marriage was hot. Just about daily, and some days multiple times. We were both HD. We both initiated whenever.. We played a lot.. Sometimes slow and loving, sometimes wrestling till he over powered me. We’d do whip cream Sundays with all the fixings and then lick them off …. Chocolate drizzle … tried edible undies, flavored oils… I tied him up and drove him nuts… we bought fun things… a card game… pick a card and you had to do what the card said… We had a pair of dice like that too, Gave him blank checks that I found… sexy heals and lingerie, role play…. every position we could think of… lots of bj’s and oral mixed in… Just whatever one of us came up with … we never got to the swinging from the ceiling one but we did talk about it… We had the goal of breaking in every room in the house (expect kid’s rooms)…. Early morning quickies, long afternoon & night sessions... It was just loving and fun.

Then about 7 years after we married he started to come to bed later and later at night. After a while I realized that I was the only one initiating and now it was only at night, late …2am after he’d come up to bed. So I stopped initiating to see what he would do. Well he would initiate once every few weeks. Then finally one day he said that he was experiencing ED. So he stopped initiating. That was the last time… it was about 5 years ago.

I tried talking to him about the lack of sex… and he will not talk about it. Says he wants to but cannot because of the ED. I asked him to see a doc about it. At first he said he would. More recently (5 years later) he says it’s too embarrassing. 

I’m still HD with nowhere to go.

But he’s not ED. He has morning wood. I now know that the issue is online porn and virtual worlds were he spends hours several days a week sexting and taking care of himself.

We divorced March 2012. 

Right now I won’t even go into the rejection in the marriage to my son’s father. Don’t think I could handle writing about that one as well right now. It was much crueler.

{Gads now I’m depressed after writing that.}


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear about that Elegirl! Any red-blooded guy with just a minimum number of brain cells would lovingly still be all over you!

Hoping that things vastly improve for you in the future. You definitely deserve it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Sorry to hear about that Elegirl! Any red-blooded guy with just a minimum number of brain cells would lovingly still be all over you!
> 
> Hoping that things vastly improve for you in the future. You definitely deserve it!


Thanks.. some times I wonder if men are just turned off by the very thing they say they want... a HD woman.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

well, i sure aint tired of a hd woman! now all i gotta do is find one..lol


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Being somewhere between HD and LD, actually on the upper end of HD, I'd absolutely worship having a woman of your demeanor.

You just keep on being "you!" After all, there's some lucky guy who will justly come to fall "head over heels" in love with you!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The last time I put my hand on my wife's hip she growled at me and slapped my face. Come to think of it, the few times any sort of physical intimacy was in the cards at all, and mind you we're talking last century, I've generally been lightly slapped or physically shoved away or she ran out of the room. I seem to remember being hit with a corded phone once. I'm not as dumb as I look, no one's as dumb as I look, but I take that as a semi firm statement.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

ValleyForge said:


> I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry.
> 
> Please, share your story! Get it out into the light!



Oh goodness, so many stories during our 18 year relationship and marriage. He always wants sex, but never wants to deviate from the typical, in bed, fairly vanilla stuff. I get bored with that. I have expressed the need for variety, the need to be mentally stimulated, the need to feel desired in as many non-verbal, verbal, written, positive reinforcement and negative reenforcement methods as possible. And it's STILL a struggle. However, it is improving in teeny steps finally. 

So here's just a few of the ones I can think of:

1. Wanting to spice things up, I decided to create a 'bedroom' outside (we live in the woods). I set up cinder blocks as a foundation, put a bed skirt over it, placed the mattress on top, dressed out the entire bed, complete with throw pillows. I lit over a dozen tea candles placed all around. Once he got home, I led him out to 'seduce' him under the stars. When he saw it, he looked at me with this incredulous look and told me that he wasn't really 'into that'. We ended up having sex, but it was pretty awful. It was way over the top, I admit, but I was really proud of myself and all the work I put into it. I felt like such an idiot.

2. Lingerie Attempt #1 I purchased my very first set of lingerie, with the help of a friend who knew where to go for that kind of thing (I was really inexperienced at the time). We were vacationing at a family member's house. They had set us up in a little guest house on their property. We were in the main house, visiting with them, when I leaned over and whispered in my husband's ear that I was going back to the guest house, and slipping into something special for him, and that I would be waiting for him. 2.5 hours later, I finally hear someone at the door, thinking it was him, I slip on a pretty robe that went over it, and go to open the door. It was my friend that helped me pick out the lingerie. She asked how he had liked it...I told her that he was still over there. She asked to see what it looked like, so I showed it to her. She went back to the main house to tell my husband he should really go see his wife. Another hour later, still no husband. I took it off and went to bed. I don't know when he came back, but I never tried to wear that one again. The only person to ever see it was my friend.

3. Lingerie attempts #2-5 All of them were disasters. This is over the course of several years. He would make a mention about how hot it would be if I were to wear something sexy. I would buy it, he would see it and act lukewarm. Next day he would tell me something to the affect of, "It was nice" or "It was okay, but not really what I would have picked out". Any attempt to get him to go with me, to pick something out were met with half-hearted promises, or promises he never fulfilled.

4. One of his first reactions to a new vibrator I purchased was so upsetting to me, that I hid most of them from then on. I would only let him see the bullet, non-phallic shaped vibrators. Over time, I would let him see a tiny, slender vibrator, then a teeny larger...and so on, until he was okay with ones that were akin to his size. It's only been in the last 6 years or so that he has gone the full other way about it, and purchases them for me...some that I have to say 'no way' to. He has come pretty much full circle on this one.

5. His first reaction to me talking about anal (and that was just in a porno), led me to hide my interest in anything anal related for over 10 years. 

6. His reaction to girl on girl porn has led me to hide my experience with a girl when I was in college, he still doesn't know about it.

7. About 1.5 years ago, he told me to purchase a few things from the sex toy catalog, things that I would normally not purchase, or things that I might have been afraid to purchase due to his judgemental nature about things. He said he would like to use them on me. I was super nervous, but I ordered one small anal toy, some bondage tape and some nipple jewelry (kinda like clamps). The box came while he was gone, so I opened it, put batteries in the ones needing them and got them all ready. The box is still sitting next to my bed, never touched by him (and I refuse to use them). I have brought it up from time to time, and he gives me excuses. The time isn't right, we don't have enough privacy, we don't have enough time when he thinks of it, or (get this one), the bedroom is too untidy.

8. The worst one of all has to do with my repeated requests for sexual communication. Asking him to share a sexual fantasty - he says, I've done them all already, with partners before you. Ouch. Sending him racy letters and emails - The response is more times than not, heartbreakingly lukewarm. But the hardest part of this is, I have explained to him, that I would love to know if he has any questions about me or what I would like sexually. That if he were to ever pose questions to me, asking me about my sexual fantasies, my sexual wants and desires, that I would feel like the luckiest, most desired girl in the world. I can recall maybe 5-6 times we have ever had this type of conversation, and it has never been instigated by him. It was only because I was tired of waiting on him to take an interest.

So, most of those things have only just started getting better in this last year. Many of them, like the initial reactions to things he finds shocking, and the 'taking an interest in asking me things', is started to weigh on me. I have been patient, I have taken the bulls by the horns to work on dealing with his EA...but the resentment is starting to build to a boiling point. 

I know some folks say this is 'keeping tabs' too much. My husband would certainly agree. I try hard not to fall victim to that. But, just how, do you keep from remembering these past hurts? A baby gets burnt on a stove, they remember not to do that again. It's a survival instinct. Your heart gets hurt over and over, getting burnt each time. You tend to remember that as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> The last time I put my hand on my wife's hip she growled at me and slapped my face. Come to think of it, the few times any sort of physical intimacy was in the cards at all, and mind you we're talking last century, I've generally been lightly slapped or physically shoved away or she ran out of the room. I seem to remember being hit with a corded phone once. I'm not as dumb as I look, no one's as dumb as I look, but I take that as a semi firm statement.


Geez... but you stay... like so many.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

ValleyForge said:


> I am going to be trying a blunt conversation pretty soon, and I am really going to need to not become angry during it. So I think if I share a couple stories about this and hear other people's stories, I won't feel so isolated about it and can be less angry.
> 
> Please, share your story! Get it out into the light!
> 
> ...


HELLO! Let's trade spouses. I'll marry you and your H can marry my wife. they are exactly the same, except, mine wouldn't even care about the 5-10 minute missionary...she'd rather have none.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> HELLO! Let's trade spouses. I'll marry you and your H can marry my wife. they are exactly the same, except, mine wouldn't even care about the 5-10 minute missionary...she'd rather have none.


TAM.. the new match maker site...

we can have all the LD line up on side and all the HD on the other... LOL :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Every since I started having sex as a teenager I'd get bored and lose desire when having sex with the same person more than a few times. So I've "rejected" dozens of women over the years. It wasn't easy for them and it wasn't for me either. I would have loved to experienced what is was like to be in a long term sexual relationship but never did. It got so bad that I sought professional help to find out why this was occurring but nobody could ever figure it out. So the bad feelings that stem from rejection can run both ways.


How hard did you try to stay with one woman and work on that relationship?

And when you rejected someone, it was you doing it. So you did not have another person rejecting you and making you feel like you were not worth anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Yeah that's what one therapist said...I was heading rejection off at the pass....I guess it worked cause I have never been rejected.


Well then you have had success in love I guess. Living a life of continual new love can be very heady. Maybe it's that you just like that feeling. A lot of people do.

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

It is every mans dream to have a spouse who is hhhhhhot and has a far higher sex drive than they do....always initiating always wanting it etc.

However, did a little deeper and I suspect men find it 'frightening' that their spouse has a higher sex drive than they do...because we MEN think that we are the 'King of the Castle'....we are the top dog....
Women should not have a higher sex drive...when they do we feel threatened.

When my wife and I were 'trying' for our first child it wasnt working...We were told to have sex everyday and on the three days over her ovulation time to 'bonk' 2 to 3 times a day. 
On the face of it WOW!! A husbands dream! I had more sex with my wife in that month than I've had in our entire 20 yr marriage put together!

I hated it. It was mechanical, there was no 'love' as such it was simply impregnating her. I was no longer 'in charge'...she was.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Every since I started having sex as a teenager I'd get bored and lose desire when having sex with the same person more than a few times. So I've "rejected" dozens of women over the years. It wasn't easy for them and it wasn't for me either. I would have loved to experienced what is was like to be in a long term sexual relationship but never did. It got so bad that I sought professional help to find out why this was occurring but nobody could ever figure it out. So the bad feelings that stem from rejection can run both ways.


No one could figure it out? Really?

My immediate take would be serious fear of emotional intimacy. When it's fresh and new and you don't really know one another it's hot for you. Your subsequent "boredom" is because you're afraid (possibly even unconsciously) to make a meaningful connection beyond the physical lust. 

Just my initial take.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

7737 said:


> It is every mans dream to have a spouse who is hhhhhhot and has a far higher sex drive than they do....always initiating always wanting it etc.
> 
> However, did a little deeper and I suspect men find it 'frightening' that their spouse has a higher sex drive than they do...because we MEN think that we are the 'King of the Castle'....we are the top dog....
> Women should not have a higher sex drive...when they do we feel threatened.
> ...


Well 2 to 3 times a day manditory would make anyone feel that way after a while. Your wife probably felt about it just the same way you did.

That's not at all the same as having HD wife. Even if the wife isHD there is no mandatory 2/3 times a day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just once every other day where I'd get my barn doors literally blown off(and hopefully to cause a few barn doors to come off of their hinges on my part) would be more than OK with me!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks.. some times I wonder if men are just turned off by the very thing they say they want... a HD woman.


After two decades of being the HD person and facing constant rejection, I'd LOVE a HD women. I think we'd be much more compatible firstly, but also because as an HD person myself, I know what that rejection feels like and I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. 

And the penalty for being with a HD women? More sex and'extra's? Damn it, what a terrible, terrible penalty. 

Hit a new rejection low the other day as well. I was in the mood for some fun and started walking towards my fiancee. She sees me coming and we start talking and she says "I'm bored."

Then, before I even say a word to her, she adds "And no, I don't want sex."

Can't a guy even give it his best shot?


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