# Men v. Women: How do you cope after Divorce?



## Love2326

Just curious to see what the difference is: 

Men: Do you feel a strong sense to go out and have sex with another woman (or many women) after D to help you cope? Or do you tend to withhold from any female relationships after D?

Women: same question.


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## Forever Changed

Sometimes, yes. But sometimes, no. I really think it's not for the best to do this. 

Currently, I really have no desire to be even touched by a woman. And it presents a whole myriad of problems if either acquire feelings for another.

I think that it is best to keep away for a while, and get yourself straight in your mind. That's what I'm doing.


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## Love2326

I agree, but I know that some people experience so many feelings of rejection, it throws them into the arms of anyone that will take them. Obviously, this is not healthy. 

I'm just wondering if men feel this more than women. I had zero desire to be with another man after my D. My girlfriend felt the same way with her divorce. I have 2 male friends who hooked up with multiple women after their D to compensate for the loss of their XW.


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## Freak On a Leash

I'm not one for casual sex but was more open to the idea of dating earlier this year. Then I had a casual fling (one time only) with an old friend and that pretty much got it out of my system. 

I now have no real desire to date or have sex with anyone. I'm more into socializing, hanging out with my daughter and soon plan to get into camping and hiking when the fall hits. 

As for "coping"..Let's see, I don't have to deal with the stress of my ex and his antics so that's awesome. Money is tighter so that's a problem but for me, Divorce has been win-win. I haven't seen a downside yet. :smthumbup:


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## Forever Changed

Love2326 said:


> I agree, but I know that some people experience so many feelings of rejection, it throws them into the arms of anyone that will take them. Obviously, this is not healthy.


I did this months back. With a girl that had many issues. It was wonderful to have the attention.

But it ended in tragedy and damaged me even more. 

I say keep away for as long as you need. Personally, I like to think I can handle rejection, I do find it easier to deal with but it's still painful.

I advise anyone to be very, very careful into jumping in to a relationship or having sex too early. The time is different for everyone. What I am doing is staying home, and healing.


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## maincourse99

Yes, healing. There was temptation to find someone to be fill the void, physically and emotionally, but I had to acknowledge that I'm just not ready. I think I need to find peace and contentment without any romantic and/or sexual relationship. I want to give myself time to catch my breath.


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## Forever Changed

Exactly right, Main. I have to acknowledge that I'm just not ready either. But then again, I don't know yet what I want. Or what I'm doing. 

I actually rang (in a weak moment) the girl that I was 'seeing' (kind of) last night. Didn't end well but at least I gave got closure. Strangely, it didn't send me reeling. 

I have now permanently deleted her number from my phone, and when she sent it to me via FB. So even if I wanted to call I can't. 

I did actually fall for her (while telling myself that I was NOT interested). I had to admit it. 

I think we have to catch our breath. 

Rebound relationships WILL hurt.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Love2326 said:


> Just curious to see what the difference is:
> 
> Men: Do you feel a strong sense to go out and have sex with another woman (or many women) after D to help you cope? Or do you tend to withhold from any female relationships after D?
> 
> Women: same question.


As a Christian man, I've remained celibate. I'm not dating anyone at this time. I was interested in a wonderful Christian Lady a year ago, and she pointed out I was still grieving. And I agree with her. I want to be sure I'm over the divorce before moving forward.


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## Freak On a Leash

Forever Changed said:


> I did this months back. With a girl that had many issues. It was wonderful to have the attention.
> 
> But it ended in tragedy and damaged me even more.
> 
> I say keep away for as long as you need. Personally, I like to think I can handle rejection, I do find it easier to deal with but it's still painful.
> 
> I advise anyone to be very, very careful into jumping in to a relationship or having sex too early. The time is different for everyone. What I am doing is staying home, and healing.


And THAT is why I tell people NOT to rush out and sleep with or get into a relationship with someone else until you are OVER the pain of your marriage and have had time to spend BY YOURSELF. Only when you become a balanced and centered INDIVIDUAL can you give or yourself and be mentally healthy enough to embark on a relationship. 

Most times this falls on deaf ears. 

I think what saved me was that I am so anti relationship at this point in my life. The idea of casually dating was fine but whenever the idea of a relationship came up I'd pull away. Then just dating became a hassle with the back and forth and making plans, etc. It all became an inconvenience and bother. 

I'm not into casual sex at all. It's a mute point because I haven't met anyone I want to date, never mind sleep with. Works for me. 

I got to just having a good time doing what I do being single. I like the fact that after 23 years of marriage I'm not tied down or have to answer to anyone. The last thing I want is a relationship. What I want most is freedom and lack of stress and that's what I've got so I'm content.


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## Forever Changed

I totally, 100% agree with you FOAL. To be a balanced, centred and IMPROVED individual BEFORE rushing out to date/have sex etc.

The phrase that comes to mind (and I have to tell myself this) is that for now - "Stay on the floor, because you can't fall down".

When you are not OVER the pain of the divorce and you get abandonded/rejected it can do serious damage.

I can't even envision being part of a 'couple'. It actually sounds alien to me. I am happy doing what I do. In my new single life.


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## Freak On a Leash

When you've reached the point where you are content being by yourself you are on the path to healing. :smthumbup: You don't need SOMEONE to make you happy, you are happy within yourself. 

If/when you do meet someone it's a pleasant surprise, not a necessity. Or you can be alone and that's good too! That's the joy of it. I myself feel a real sense of inner peace because *I don't care*. 

I like to say "Not caring is the greatest freedom you can have." I now understand and appreciate it now that I've actually reached that state of mind. It's awesome.


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## Forever Changed

I love being on my own. Love it. Sure, it gets a bit lonely but I've got so many things to do/places to be/hobbies to pursue that the loneliness doesn't last long at all. And I have pets which helps immensly. They rely on me.

FOAL - *I don't care either* 

It's liberating.


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## whitehawk

Still figuring it out myself so l'm in no rush. But my observations and thoughts so far are something like these.
lf l see people jumping straight into something else, l can't help but think what a fool.
For one , they're were free - take some time, smell the roses, figure things out awhile for crying out loud, have some fun.
But two, apart from the like 1% that actually did just get very luck with the the next one so soon , how fkd up are you gonna be when that one fizzles out - or even worse , gets fugly ?

And l've been reminded of this one myself for the last 6 mths because l spent some time with someone new only a few mths out of our separation that didn't work out and that's made all this even harder and more confusing.
l did like her a lot but it just had to go for now so since then l've had an extra one on top of my x and daughter to cope with - great  big lesson !

For me l often think yeah maybe some casual romps might help but really , l never use to like that in my single days before anyway so l'm kidding myself !


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## maincourse99

_The phrase that comes to mind (and I have to tell myself this) is that for now - "Stay on the floor, because you can't fall down".

When you are not OVER the pain of the divorce and you get abandonded/rejected it can do serious damage.

I can't even envision being part of a 'couple'. It actually sounds alien to me. I am happy doing what I do. In my new single life_


Love that quote. I think we have to get to the point where we feel safe trusting our emotional safety to another person. NSA sex might be tempting, but it can be a trap. Might not end up being so "NSA".


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## Disenchanted

Since my D I want to hump pretty much everything that moves.

I had a short fling with a wonderful woman and it was the most therapeutic thing I've done since my wife's infidelity, would never take it back in a million years. Of course it didn't last, I never expected it to, but it was great while it did.


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## FeministInPink

Forever Changed said:


> I totally, 100% agree with you FOAL. To be a balanced, centred and IMPROVED individual BEFORE rushing out to date/have sex etc.
> 
> The phrase that comes to mind (and I have to tell myself this) is that for now - "Stay on the floor, because you can't fall down".
> 
> When you are not OVER the pain of the divorce and you get abandonded/rejected it can do serious damage.
> 
> I can't even envision being part of a 'couple'. It actually sounds alien to me. I am happy doing what I do. In my new single life.


I'm not yet divorced, but it's a certainty now -- I'm filing at the end of October because of logisitcal reasons, but we've been separated since Feb 2013.

I think the question is funny, being posed asking men v. women. I certainly fall into FOAL's and ForeverChanged's camp; I'm not really interested in dating anyone at the moment. I'm just enjoying being on my own, living my own life, and focusing on rebuilding the little parts of myself that were lost to my STBX/relationship over the last decade. If something (someone) good presents itself, I'll entertain the idea, but I'm not out looking for it. I would love to get some sex (it's been WAY TOO LONG, thanks STBXH!), but I'm not going to rush into something that's going to cause more damage than good. 

When we finally spoke after almost 6 months apart, my STBXH was shocked when he learned that I hadn't dated anyone during our separation... 

Because my STBXH, on the other hand, was trying to bang every single unattached girl he knew/met, as early as a month after we separated. He was unsuccessful until about 2 months ago, when he met a woman on ******* who was even more desperate than he was. 

I don't necessarily think my STBXH is representative of all men, but all of his (male) friends were encouraging this behavior from the beginning of the separation. Coincidence?


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## badcompany

I've had to weigh these thoughts with the way things are going. I think I would be looking at 6 months minimum, and I would spend a good amount of time getting to know another woman before I jumped in the sack with her.


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## Married but Happy

Love2326 said:


> Men: Do you feel a strong sense to go out and have sex with another woman (or many women) after D to help you cope? Or do you tend to withhold from any female relationships after D?


I wanted to get out and DATE, not necessarily have sex with a lot of women. I did date a lot (starting within a month after moving out), but most weren't even close to being compatible AND attractive, and I did not have sex with those. Only with those where there was _both_ attraction and reasonable compatibilty. In a few cases, that existed but we mutually agreed it would go nowhere for some reason, so we had a FWB arrangement and kept looking.

Besides dating, I worked out, went hiking and biking, saw my friends more, took a variety of courses, set up my new home, spent as much time with my son as I could, read a lot about relationships and personality types, took a trip to Asia to meet long-term pen-pals, and had the best time of my life until I found as near ideal a match as I could have ever hoped for.


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## Holland

I didn't date for about 12 months post separation, had no desire to be intimate. I needed time to heal and learn. I rarely thought about having sex again, there was too much pain for me from living in a sexless marriage.

Then one day I woke up and decided to get back out into the world, set up an online profile and boom was out dating like it was a sport. I dated non exclusively for about 6 months and enjoyed getting back into having sex.

Then met Mr H and fell madly in love. The end.


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## whitehawk

Forever Changed said:


> Exactly right, Main. I have to acknowledge that I'm just not ready either. But then again, I don't know yet what I want. Or what I'm doing.
> 
> I actually rang (in a weak moment) the girl that I was 'seeing' (kind of) last night. Didn't end well but at least I gave got closure. Strangely, it didn't send me reeling.
> 
> I have now permanently deleted her number from my phone, and when she sent it to me via FB. So even if I wanted to call I can't.
> 
> I did actually fall for her (while telling myself that I was NOT interested). I had to admit it.
> 
> I think we have to catch our breath.
> 
> Rebound relationships WILL hurt.


Yeah l had similar so when it became obvious l have to get out of it , that's when it hit me hard -holy crap l'm not up to to this [email protected] yet.


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## whitehawk

Forever Changed said:


> I totally, 100% agree with you FOAL. To be a balanced, centred and IMPROVED individual BEFORE rushing out to date/have sex etc.
> 
> The phrase that comes to mind (and I have to tell myself this) is that for now - "Stay on the floor, because you can't fall down".




Yep sums it up perfectly , we don't need to be falling even more at a time like this people.
l'm even a bit worried about my x in that way right now . l know, mad why should l.
Well l still care about her and she's as fragile as right now but she's still just gone full bore straight into the oddest, silliest miss match you ever saw so if that crashes on her , l know she just couldn't cope . Stupid of me even caring l know but what can l say.


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## whitehawk

What I could really use right now is just some lighthearted partying, all nighters :smthumbup:
And for once l wouldn't have to worry about pissing of my x .
Just have some fun and to hell with it .


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## Garry2012

Forever Changed said:


> I did this months back. With a girl that had many issues. It was wonderful to have the attention.
> 
> But it ended in tragedy and damaged me even more.
> 
> I say keep away for as long as you need. Personally, I like to think I can handle rejection, I do find it easier to deal with but it's still painful.
> 
> I advise anyone to be very, very careful into jumping in to a relationship or having sex too early. The time is different for everyone. What I am doing is staying home, and healing.


This thread is exactly what i am going through. At first, i jumped out on to dating sites. I went on several dates looking to "replace her" as fast as possible. I know that if i fall for someone new, that I couldnt care less about her. Then for the last two months I have come to understand that I simply CANT get involved with another yet...im not ready. I talk to them, then when we start getting too close, i stop...i dont want to talk to them anymore. I need time to heal.


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## EnjoliWoman

I swear y'all need some good women in TX. So many men from there on here!

Although I had to heal from the effects of verbal abuse, I did see someone about 4 months after I left. I must say having sex with someone else helped in a strange way... when the last person you had sex with was NOT your ex - seemed to cut that last tie (well except for DD) from him.

But I certainly have learned (not from me because after that I didn't date for a while) that dating too soon has its issues - I have dated a couple men (yeah, I'm hard-headed) that had not been separated long (6 mos) and they realized they weren't ready. 

I had sworn off newly separated men after the first one only to meet this guy, tell him it was too soon, he swore it wasn't, we dating for 6 months before I noticed him drifting away and protecting himself/closing off. And yup he broke it off. That was a heart breaker for me so I think I've learned for good.


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## Disenchanted

EnjoliWoman said:


> I swear y'all need some good women in TX. So many men from there on here!
> 
> Although I had to heal from the effects of verbal abuse, I did see someone about 4 months after I left. I must say having sex with someone else helped in a strange way... when the last person you had sex with was NOT your ex - seemed to cut that last tie (well except for DD) from him.
> 
> But I certainly have learned (not from me because after that I didn't date for a while) that dating too soon has its issues - I have dated a couple men (yeah, I'm hard-headed) that had not been separated long (6 mos) and they realized they weren't ready.
> 
> I had sworn off newly separated men after the first one only to meet this guy, tell him it was too soon, he swore it wasn't, we dating for 6 months before I noticed him drifting away and protecting himself/closing off. And yup he broke it off. That was a heart breaker for me so I think I've learned for good.


Very insightful EnjoliWoman, and helpful to me too.

I'd like to think that I could jump right into another relationship and everything would be all better. I totally agree about the final tie being cut (except for kids) and that's how it worked for me too. It's weird to have this kind of cognitive dissonance of believing I want a relationship and at the same time sabotaging any real chance of carrying one out.

Unfortunately it's been a hard lesson to learn that while on the surface I want another relationship, deeper down I really don't.


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## Jellybeans

Love2326 said:


> Just curious to see what the difference is:
> 
> Men: Do you feel a strong sense to go out and have sex with another woman (or many women) after D to help you cope? Or do you tend to withhold from any female relationships after D?
> 
> Women: same question.


This is not gender-specific. It is entirely up to the individual person. 

Some women bonk everything that movies post-separation; some men do it too. Some women want nothing to do with a new romantic partner/date/sex, some men are this way too.

It'e entirely up to how the person going through the divorce feels.


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## Garry2012

EnjoliWoman said:


> But I certainly have learned (not from me because after that I didn't date for a while) that dating too soon has its issues - I have dated a couple men (yeah, I'm hard-headed) that had not been separated long (6 mos) and they realized they weren't ready.
> 
> I had sworn off newly separated men after the first one only to meet this guy, tell him it was too soon, he swore it wasn't, we dating for 6 months before I noticed him drifting away and protecting himself/closing off. And yup he broke it off. That was a heart breaker for me so I think I've learned for good.


Yep...this is me. Dated a couple of times, then just shut down. Im sure it seems so planned and maybe manipulative...but I know in my case, I am at a loss as to how to handle it. I want to get out and move on..yet...can't. So I end up going in the same loop: search for someone, find somone, we talk, maybe even date, talk more, then i shut down, drift and its over. Then I am fine not talking to anyone for a while, only to start the loop up again.


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## EnjoliWoman

I think it's *companionship* that is wanted, therefore you seek someone to spend time with. But the fear of being hurt prevents you from developing a deeper connection so once that begins to occur, your self-preservation mechanism kicks in. 

Which really only means you are human, want someone to spend time with while guarding your heart. You know you just need time to heal. One you are better, you'll be willing to risk your heart and there is no time table for that.


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## Disenchanted

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think it's *companionship* that is wanted


100% agree


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## FeministInPink

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think it's *companionship* that is wanted, therefore you seek someone to spend time with. But the fear of being hurt prevents you from developing a deeper connection so once that begins to occur, your self-preservation mechanism kicks in.
> 
> Which really only means you are human, want someone to spend time with while guarding your heart. You know you just need time to heal. One you are better, you'll be willing to risk your heart and there is no time table for that.


Yeah, the companionship is what I miss the most.


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> But I certainly have learned (not from me because after that I didn't date for a while) that dating too soon has its issues
> 
> I had sworn off newly separated men after the first one only to meet this guy, tell him it was too soon, he swore it wasn't, we dating for 6 months before I noticed him drifting away and protecting himself/closing off. And yup he broke it off. That was a heart breaker for me so I think I've learned for good.


Yeaaaaaaaaaah. I have this thing, too. No one newly separated is for my liking. No,thanks. Deal with your stuff first and then maybe, just maybe we can have a go of it.


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## Disenchanted

Jellybeans said:


> Yeaaaaaaaaaah. I have this thing, too. No one *newly separated* is for my liking. No,thanks. Deal with your stuff first and then maybe, just maybe we can have a go of it.


Do you have a specific cutoff?


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## Brokenman85

The thought of being with another woman seems completely foreign to me. I just can't picture myself with anyone other than my STBXW. I love her deeply. All of this while she has been banging the OM for 4 months....


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## Jellybeans

Disenchanted said:


> Do you have a specific cutoff?


Divorce, i.e. SINGLE.


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## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> Divorce, i.e. SINGLE.


Seems reasonable to me


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## whitehawk

Garry2012 said:


> Yep...this is me. Dated a couple of times, then just shut down. Im sure it seems so planned and maybe manipulative...but I know in my case, I am at a loss as to how to handle it. I want to get out and move on..yet...can't. So I end up going in the same loop: search for someone, find somone, we talk, maybe even date, talk more, then i shut down, drift and its over. Then I am fine not talking to anyone for a while, only to start the loop up again.


Yeah it use to be a pattern with me too when l was single.
The thing you get disheartened , even for a guy you know you really can end up sorta , in a sense just feeling like [email protected] , almost that dirty thing , sorta disgusted with the whole bs of it all. 
So you shut down on it until the need for some companionship or fun gets the better of us again l think. For me l get tempted and go there again , only to end up kicking myself yet again.
Maybe it's more a sitting it out for the real deal thing rather than cracking .
At the mo , newly separated , well there was one way too early on but basically l'm back on the fence for now. No clue from here as yet :sleeping:


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## Stretch

Brokenman85 said:


> The thought of being with another woman seems completely foreign to me. I just can't picture myself with anyone other than my STBXW. I love her deeply. All of this while she has been banging the OM for 4 months....


While I admire your loyalty, I hope that you come to a point in your life where you can enjoy the magic that comes with experiencing sincere passion with a woman.

It sends chills up my spine just thinking about how amazing it is for a beautiful woman to give her love to you, amazing.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## death and taxes

I found a FWB soon after separating. Fun times. We each understood what was going on. Dated some. More sex. A good release. Found my way back to the FWB a bit after the divorce was final. Had a gf. Found I wasn't quite ready and just didn't feel the same for her as she did for me. Tried dating again. Been seeing this lady for the past three months. A friend of a friend. Never expected the sparks to fly like they did. Taking things slow and easy now.

So for me, I just wanted to have sex after separating. I knew it wouldn't really help things much but it sure wouldn't hurt! It's not the most mature thing to do, but I wasn't about to jump headlong into a relationship. The FWB helped. We are very old friends. I am fortunate to be seeing a lady now and I think I'm ready for something serious. 

Dealing with divorce is taking time. The desire for physical intimacy never stopped, though. It's hard to square that up with not wanting something serious after separation/divorce.


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## Dewayne76

I didn't read all of the posts. Forgive me guys and I know you all deserve me to read them all. It's... yeah. i'm bouncing from minecraft to web browsing to keep my mind .... from wandering around. 

I had a short, forced into serious relationship (forced as in, just happened that way, quick and hard) but only lasted a few months. We had sex. It was GREAT! She did things that the ex wouldn't do and amazed me. Not that I wanted my ex to do many out of way things, but, yeah. It was great to have her attention. Even better to be told, and seemingly truthfully that I was the best lover she had ever had. Now, I did feel myself having more confidence which confuses the ever living **** outta me now, haha.. but yeah that's the way it was. It ended. She's a psycho bktch too. Went nuts on me after me telling her something she said seemed a bit insensitive. That was it! 

So I learned, no more of that bull****. Then, I found myself into a lustful affair. Yes, I was an affair partner. WIth a 20 yo girl that was supposedly broken up with her b/f. I called it off once I realized the truthful nature. She was beautiful, SEXY AS HELL and I enjoyed every bit of it and did not regret one second of that sex. I regret what she did! But not the sex. It was HER choice and I realize now that I had no knowledge / part in the wronging of her b/f. That made me feel good.....

However, I am NOT coping. When you have a great relationship and all thsi shlt happens suddenly, i think it makes it a bit harder. Not saying you guys have it easier, not at all. just saying I'm taking it way harder than I thought I would, but it's also because I know what we had. See, my ex changed after being on antidepressants for 3 months. No, she wasn't depressed. Was rx'd them for CHEST PAINS! Yeup. no lie. In 3 months no one could recognize the woman. 

HOT RODS! I'm gonna get me a hot rod again. Get rid of my 2003 trailblazer she and I had so much fun in, get me a chevelle or nova or something and turn some more wrenches. Sex? I'd rather self medicate with online pornography until I get 'snipped'. Not taking any chances of having a kid with a monster again!


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