# At a loss....



## gmoney2007 (Aug 25, 2011)

Here is the summary of my story:

I met my wife 3 1/2 years ago. About 3 weeks after we met she went into preterm labor (yes the guy had left her and wanted nothing to do with her, so I would assume she was in a vulnerable state). That was when our oldest son was born. He had many complications and was in the hospital for a total of about 6 months and I was there every step of the way. Our relationship accelerated rather quickly. It was March of 2008 that we met, we moved in together that October. I was wanting out of my parents house, and she needed somewhere to stay(she did have other options). The following March, after we had been attending church for a while, she stated that she wanted to get married or move out. I had already put a ring on her finger, so I said lets get married. We were married on April 25, 2009. Shortly after that, we conceived our second child (born 1/12/10). Backtracking a bit, before we got married, I had read her diary at one point. This hurt her trust in me and the one thing that made her feel safe (she had a very rough past). Over the course of our marriage, we have lacked intimacy and while we seemed to have good times, we have had plenty of bad times. In August of 2010, we had another trust issue when we were getting ready to buy a house. I hadn't talked to her enough about our finances, so things were not as she thought they were. I slept on the couch for a while, then we reconciled and moved on. We moved into our new house in December, about 2 weeks after that, we found a new church. After our first Sunday at the church, she told me she wanted a divorce. She feels like she was never in love with me, just loved me and I was her "knight in shining armor". That lasted for about a day when she decided she wanted to keep working at it. I believe we got to a really good point, I even have an email I printed out that she sent me a poem that she wrote, and it was also a letter talking about how great she felt and how good everything was.

Now it seems we hit the same wall again, and two days ago she told me the same thing. We are now in separate rooms and are supposed to continue talks about our plans tonight. This came after her 2 sessions with a highly recommended therapist. She was not told to divorce me, and I think they are far from discovering all of her issues, but what she took out of the whole thing was that she was unhappy pretending to be in love and "pushing" herself to be happy for the kids sake. She said she hasn't been honest about her true feelings lately, and it is noticeable as her resentment toward me has grown profusely. One of the things she doesn't like is that I always seem to have an "answer" for everything and she said that is why she didn't leave the other times.

She stated that when she told me it was getting married or getting out, that she really wanted to get out and was trying to make me leave. She says she feels manipulated by the church, etc.

From my point of view, it seems to me like she is plain confused. She is a Godly woman and stays in prayer, but she stated yesterday that she doesn't really know if she is doing the right thing or not. Normally, she would follow what she believes God is telling her. Also after her first session, she told me all these things that seem to make her close up and not be able to fall in love. That her past has hurt her so much that she can't seem to be happy, etc. This to me sounds like personal issues that really need to be worked out (thats why I asked her to find a therapist that she could really open up to). She has never truly opened up to me and been completely honest. 

All of this confuses me. Part of me is tired of trying, but I really do love her and want to try to work things out. I think it is going to take a lot of "self-finding" and even I have many things I need to work on. I have struggled with being too passive, weight loss, and in general just "manning up". I have been building my confidence and making changes, but I still have a way to go. I do not know where to go from here. I believe in the vows that I took, but if my wife is not willing to work on it, what can I do. I love my kids, and hate the thought of having to ship them from house to house.

She said her sessions have been about discovering what she really wants. When the therapist asked her to think of all the reasons she wants the marriage to work, non of them were because of something inside her. 

Can anyone give me any insight to this situation. Any recommendations. I don't want to be pushy, but at the same time I don't want to be seen as "giving up". I want to work things out and I want us to both be happy. Now, I also agree that this might not work out, but I do not think we are at that point.


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## gmoney2007 (Aug 25, 2011)

I know that nobody posted on my thread, but I just wanted to update to say that my wife made a complete 180 today after finally talking to the RIGHT person. That being said, I picked up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and have begun my transformation! The future only looks brighter.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though your wife needs to stay in therapy. You may also want to pick up a copy of _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. You'll need to really understand what makes your wife feel loved.

Good luck!


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