# She says she is feeling less secure



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I have over the last couple of months been doing verry well in changing the power dynamic in my marriage. I have become more decisive. I now have taken control of the mony (which suprising enough I have done well with, it used to be a problem with me). I recognize and pass a large majority of her sh!t tests (which have become few and far between). The overall mood in the home has been quite a bit calmer and relaxed which is a lot to say for a couple with 5 kids. Overall she has for the most part says she likey likey (although she has said she doesn't like the fact that I don't just drop everything to do everything she wants no matter how rediculous it may be but she is getting over it). My self esteem is over all way up which feels f!cking phenominal and I thank all of you verry much for this.

All of this said, she threw me something that cought me a bit off guard this morning. She used to say I was verry predictable and it was always in a condescending tone. Now she is saying I have become unpredictable but she said it in the same condescending tone of old. Me being a dumb ass I take the bait and asked why this would be a bad thing (while thinking that it would it probibly is a bad thing for her because she doesn't have a clue to how I will react to her bs any more so playing me like a fiddle to get her way is no longer an option). She said that it makes her feel less secure.

I like the fact that she cannot pull my strings any more. I also know that security is verry important to a woman. I am really unsure how to handle this or even if I should just address it at all. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ask her who's ring she's wearing. And when she tells you say something like well that's strange because I'm wearing yours, I wonder how that happened and I wonder why its stayed that way? Hopefully she’ll put her own insecurity to bed when she realises you chose her and everyday that passes by you choose her again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What are her top emotional needs? Do you know? If you don't or are not sure, then it behooves you to find out what they are and start providing them to her. Fulfilling them while manning up should not be mutually exclusive.


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

Your life changing sounds similar to mine. My wife has also said this comment to me. I think that as you are more independent, she feels less in control and therefore less secure. I remind her that the changes I have made are for the better. Better for me, better for her, better for our family. As she senses the control moving from herself and the things she used to do to get you to react no longer work, she feels less in control. As long as your her puppet, she knows what your doing, what you should be doing (in her opinion) and what to say to get you do that. Now, your doing the things a man needs to do, the way you feel they should be done. All good things, just not necessarily her way. That feels insecure. Pay extra attention to doing her "reasonable" requests, and special attention to the children. Those show responsibility and build security. Over time she will see your not abandoning her, your simply no longer allowing yourself to be treated like one of the kids! A slave owner can sense when a slave is no longer in compliance, she just needs to know your fully committed, but not a doormat!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Morituri, her top emotional needs are without a doubt to feel loved and that I have her back. She had a verry f!cked up childhood and was never shown the love and attention that she needed and she says the biggest reason she loves me is because "I love her". I used to think of this as kind of an isult as in she would love anybody who showed her affection but over time I am pretty sure I understand this correctly now and that their are many other reasons why she loves me also. We have become pretty open with what our needs are over the last couple of years and that has help me understand the way she ticks a great deal more.

I just got off the phone with her a little bit ago and she decided to expound on her thoughts eariler. I have been a little bit too much of the my way or the highway lately on some things. I am able to see her point. While most of the time I have been quite open to her opinion I have at times been taking it overboard and pushing her opinion to the side and just doing what I want on my own. She says it is kinda keeping her off guard. Something I need to work on a bit. 
Thank you for your responses.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Yes, sometime recovering nice guys can be rude... it's not easy, after years of not letting your opinion heard and your feelings showed, to keep them at bay. 

I think it goes in steps:
1. you realize a nice guy is just a sucker
2. you are becoming independent
3. you are being not so nice
4. you realize that and finally trying to become a nice man (not a nice guy


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