# double standard?



## il101 (Oct 23, 2012)

Let me first start off by saying that I have never really asked anyone if they have similar issues in their marriage. I started looking around the other day for help/support groups, found this one and I feel like I need to get this off my chest. My wife and I have been married for a little over 11 years. We have known each other for over 14 years. I really love my wife, but I feel like a wedge is inserted between us in our sex life. We have two kids ages 8 and 5. I know that having kids and a healthy sex life is sometimes like oil and vinegar; they don't mix. It seems that our sexual problems began after we had our first child and haven't really stopped since. For awhile they slowed down, but never really left our relationship.

Ok, I will try and explain the best that I can so here it goes. My wife and I have sex maybe 2-3 times per month. Yes, you read that correctly 2-3 times per month. And it seems to happen right before and after she has her period. I know that some women get really horney around that time of the month, so I can understand that. However between those times, nothing happens. If I try to start something I get the normal response, your funny, I'm tired or "maybe", which by the way in my book means no. I have even called her out on the “maybe” response in which she just says again maybe. If my wife starts up the lets have sex, I feel like I have to perform because I'm not sure when it will happen again. Our sex life is not boring either; well when we do have sex. We have done role playing, using toys, watching movies, etc. I just don't understand why she is like this. She did tell me about a year or two ago while we where dating the only reason she had sex with me more than once a week is because that’s what I expected. I never told her that I expected sex more than once a week while we dated, I guess she just assumed this. The other weird thing is that she asks me why I don’t take control to start or during sex. This is really hard for me if I’m not allowed to start things off. When I asked her about this double standard of she wants me to take control and lead, but she won't let me I got a little chuckle from her, WTF! I'm sorry if I left any holes in my story. Like I said, I have never done this before and just need some help.

I know that I can’t be the only person in the world to go through something like this. Any help would be great because this is driving me nuts.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Ahhh the old conundrum. If you lead and just "take control" it turns the woman on. Until she says no a lot and you start to become gun shy and you don't feel like you can just lead etc.

It's an AWFUL cycle. Talk with your wife about it. Come to an agreement about how often. I know it seems like there's no passion in it, but you can put the passion into it when you start. Start with an agreement of once per week.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sounds like my marriage my ex-wife. Sex was about 3x a month, and it was always in the same week, right after her period. Once she started watching TV shows for hours on end each week, I could pin point months ahead when I'd have sex (maybe); Wednesday nights, sometime between 7:00 and 8:30 p.m. Other than that time frame, don't even ask. And heaven forbid if I was working then, because I might as well just flip the calander now because I wasn't going to any this month.

Now I'm not saying anything about your wife because I don't know her, but my ex was a controlling person and I think she got off using sex as a weapon. It eventually became like rations; doled out enough to let you know sex was still available, but not nearly enough to keep you fulfilled.

So I get where you're coming from with this driving you nuts.

I don't like your wife's attitude for two reasons. 

Firstly, she seems to laugh or giggle when you try and explain how this is affecting you or when you try to point out her inconsistencies (such as "maybe"). That's not being respectful to you or your concerns. Is she like this with other issues you have in the mariage, such as the kids, money, etc. or is it just limited to sex.

Secondly, why is it ok to have sex once a week during dating because "that's what you want" but after the ring comes on the finger, it's a few times a month? Sounds like a bait and switch.

Also, the take charge in bed bit, I'd take that as a **** test. A **** test is when she's testing you to see if you'll actually do something that is demeaning to you just to get sex. She wants to know if you'll put yourself out there for sex, knowing that you'll likely get shot down. It's one thing to get a no when you just suggest sex, it's another to get shot down when you try to be agreesive and come off as an alpha male, only to be turned down.

You are likely enabling her behaviour because she likely doesn't crave sex, rather she craves being desired for sex. So when you come on to her repeatedly, it's giving her what she needs without you getting what you need.

I'm not saying you should cut her off or start rejecting her, but I'd wager that's what's going through her mind (consiously or sub-consiously) and it's good to know what you're up against.

Since this has been going on for a while, and you've clearly given her ample opportunity to discuss and help solve this issue, you can push this forward. I'd sit her down, tell her you love her but you have a problem. Explain to her again that the issue of sex is not working out for you and explain to her again how often you've tried to solve this problem. Then I'd suggest going to marriage counselling, and if she doesn't want to go, you will go by yourself.

If you would leave or consider leaving the marriage over the ossue of sex, tell her that as well, and also make it very clear that if there is anything you can do to improve things for her to let you know. Make it clear that you want this marriage to work, but are prepared to walk away from it if she doesn't show you the same courtesy and respect.

I'd also talk to a lawyer if divorce is an option for you. It's good to get your ducks in a row. If divorce is an option, I'd also look at stick aside some money, just in case you do leave, so you can help get yourself back on your feet quicker.

Good luck.


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## il101 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. We have talked about it and she kind of throws her hands up in the air says, what do you want me to do about it? If I knew, I would have suggested it. Scheduling sex doesn't work like for her either. After I put up the first post, I thought of another example. About two weeks ago my wife was working from home and texted me to see how my day was going. A couple of texts later she is telling me how she wishes I was at home for an afternoon delight. So we started texting aobut the tv show 7 days of sex. So my wife asked if I wanted to give that a try. I think any husband/boyfriend would be a fool to say no. Know in the back of my mind I had a funny feeling that this would not go past 2-3 days. We never made it to day two. I tried say something on the second day and I received a not so nice look. It's not like I'm begging, demanding, etc. sex everyday or everyother day. I just don't understand why some women think that having sex with their husband is such a chore.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Ahhh the old conundrum. If you lead and just "take control" it turns the woman on. Until she says no a lot and you start to become gun shy and you don't feel like you can just lead etc.
> 
> It's an AWFUL cycle. Talk with your wife about it. Come to an agreement about how often. I know it seems like there's no passion in it, but you can put the passion into it when you start. Start with an agreement of once per week.


 :iagree:








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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

She should get you off on the days she's not willing to bang. Even a HJ or assisted masturbation session is better than waiting.


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