# Wife’s defensiveness.



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Hello everyone, I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with and resolve conflict better with my wife.

on a fairly regular occasion, my wife becomes incredibly defensive about me asking her to do even simple things. And random innocuous things turn into these big global problems that we talk about for hours. We never resolve a problem like this in an hour or two. It takes days and usually she ends up storming off and going to bed before anything is resolved.

to give you an example, I asked her “what the plan was for her broken bike in the garage” as soon as I brought it up she became very defensive and accused me of calling her “disorganized and lazy”. I asked again, if she was planning to fix it soon? Or give it away? Or something. She again retreated back into the house and refused to talk about it. This is just one of many examples where this general theme is present. 

If I bring up anything that requires something for her to do, she gets so angry that I can’t even talk to her. Tonight I calmly said “it seems like we are letting our emotions get the best of us, let’s talk about this later when we are both calm” she again stormed off and called me a hypocrite, and then shut the bedroom door and locked it.

i know everyone is going to suggest therapy. And I do want to do that. We have 2 young kids and time and money are a bit of a factor. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Yes, that seems like an immature response on her part. On the other hand, why do you care about the broken bike in the garage? Maybe she does want to fix it but hasn't had the energy, time, or money to do it, and you asking just makes her feel pressured.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> Yes, that seems like an immature response on her part. On the other hand, why do you care about the broken bike in the garage? Maybe she does want to fix it but hasn't had the energy, time, or money to do it, and you asking just makes her feel pressured.


I’m just using that as a simple example. But to answer your question it’s a small 1 car garage and the bike has been in there broken for 6 years. I just was asking if she thought about what she wanted to do with it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rip4745 said:


> I’m just using that as a simple example. But to answer your question it’s a small 1 car garage and the bike has been in there broken for 6 years. I just was asking if she thought about what she wanted to do with it.


What would happen if you just said it in plain English like that. You want to reclaim the space so just tell her and ask if it’s ok if you take care of it for her?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> What would happen if you just said it in plain English like that. You want to reclaim the space so just tell her and ask if it’s ok if you take care of it for her?


I agree sort of with this, along similar lines of plain speaking yet my suggestion is slightly different.

Tell her you want to reclaim the space and ...can she do something about the bike and/or can you do something together with that. 

Although the bike has been there 6 years, I'd hazard a guess she may feel spoken down to or some kind of frustration that leads her to shutting down on you as it likely feels easier for her to do so.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> What would happen if you just said it in plain English like that. You want to reclaim the space so just tell her and ask if it’s ok if you take care of it for her?


she has informed me that I am not able to take care of this bike for her. I have offered to get rid of it and buy her a functional one if she wanted one.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> If I bring up anything that requires something for her to do, she gets so angry that I can’t even talk to her. Tonight I calmly said “it seems like we are letting our emotions get the best of us, let’s talk about this later when we are both calm” she again stormed off and called me a hypocrite..


Okay, storming off and such does indicate a less than ideal response... however... I do wonder why she called you a hypocrite? Any understanding as to what that is about? I wouldn't want to invalidate what she is feeling and expressing. There's a part to this dynamic that you contribute to and perhaps rather than labeling her as 'defensive' it might serve you better to look at your role in this, and what kind of understanding you have.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I agree sort of with this, along similar lines of plain speaking yet my suggestion is slightly different.
> 
> Tell her you want to reclaim the space and ...can she do something about the bike and/or can you do something together with that.
> 
> Although the bike has been there 6 years, I'd hazard a guess she may feel spoken down to or some kind of frustration that leads her to shutting down on you as it likely feels easier for her to do so.


 I understand and you are probably right about her feeling spoken down to. Again this bike situation is just an example.

how am I supposed to work together with her on difficult problems if she becomes so defensive and combative even on simple ones? That’s my question.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, storming off and such does indicate a less than ideal response... however... I do wonder why she called you a hypocrite? Any understanding as to what that is about? I wouldn't want to invalidate what she is feeling and expressing. There's a part to this dynamic that you contribute to and perhaps rather than labeling her as 'defensive' it might serve you better to look at your role in this, and what kind of understanding you have.


I am honestly as confused as you are about being labeled a hypocrite. She never explained that because she was too angry to do so.

All I said before that was “let’s take a break and talk about this at another time when we are both calm” essentially.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> how am I supposed to work together with her on difficult problems if she becomes so defensive and combative even on simple ones? That’s my question.


A small suggested starting point might even be asking and understanding how you rub her the wrong way. If you listen without being defensive yourself, she may actually indicate aspects of your approach that plays into the dynamic. It doesn't mean it's all on you - I'm just suggesting a starting point is to listen. And without the finger of blame and categorizing her as 'defensive and combative'. Just a starting point. And only if you really are willing and interested to understand from her view, as intention and tone is key to getting back on the same team.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rip4745 said:


> she has informed me that I am not able to take care of this bike for her. I have offered to get rid of it and buy her a functional one if she wanted one.


It’s hard to tell from your post but if my wife wanted me to do something with my junk and instead of telling me the plan just asked, “What do you want to do with your junk?” I wouldn’t react in the nicest way, and vice versa.

So instead of “half asking” her to do things, why not tell her your plan and what you’d like to accomplish and try and get her on board with the goal and then let the details sort themselves out?


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> A small suggested starting point might even be asking and understanding how you rub her the wrong way. If you listen without being defensive yourself, she may actually indicate aspects of your approach that plays into the dynamic. It doesn't mean it's all on you - I'm just suggesting a starting point is to listen. And without the finger of blame and categorizing her as 'defensive and combative'. Just a starting point. And only if you really are willing and interested to understand from her view, as intention and tone is key to getting back on the same team.


Thank you, I will definitely try my best to hear her out.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s hard to tell from your post but if my wife wanted me to do something with my junk and instead of telling me the plan just asked, “What do you want to do with your junk?” I wouldn’t react in the nicest way, and vice versa.
> 
> So instead of “half asking” her to do things, why not tell her your plan and what you’d like to accomplish and try and get her on board with the goal and then let the details sort themselves out?


I mean, it usually isn’t able to get to that point. Like I will communicate my goals, she will become offended that I’m trying to change her belongings, lifestyle etc. even if I’m trying to do it as a team. She labels me “a bully”.

like I try to do these things as gently as I can. But cannot avoid her upsetting her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> I mean, it usually isn’t able to get to that point. Like I will communicate my goals, she will become offended that I’m trying to change her belongings, lifestyle etc. even if I’m trying to do it as a team. She labels me “a bully”.
> 
> like I try to do these things as gently as I can. But cannot avoid her upsetting her.


There could be something in the way you are communicating that comes across as a directive, rather than inclusion.

I'm just trying to allow space here for an alternative view with my suggestions to you - as a starting point. Perhaps it's worthwhile listening to why she perceives you as a 'bully'. This might be your style of interacting, it could be something from her past that is arising, or it could simply be about her interpretation.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My husband and I were testy with each other a couple of days ago. Mostly over a scenario whereby he had a method of doing something that was opposed to my preference. We both expressed why we wanted to do this thing a certain way and our mutual frustration with each other's approach. Granted, there was no storming off or anything. We did a quick vent and stated our positions but came to a gridlock. 

I went to have a cup of tea on the balcony. Tea solves everything, right? So while having my tea, it gave space to reflect on his thoughts and frustration. By the time I went back inside to where he was, I had mentally validated his view and ready to compromise. Turns out, he had done the same thing but with consideration to my view. So, a compromise was quickly sorted. I'm not suggesting we're an ideal of conflict resolution, however, I do feel there is something in allowing 'space' to digest the other's view and then re-frame one's self towards getting back on the same team.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

In a different scenario, I remember being on a work call and feeling myself getting frustrated and prickling while trying to keep it cool. I felt the best way to handle it at that time was to simply call out how I was feeling; and that was that the interaction was rubbing me the wrong way - and suggesting that was not the intention between us, asked the other person to help me to understand what they were understanding. My personal feeling of prickliness diffused pretty quickly for simply expressing that. And she also seemed to calm and then shared back what she understood and her perspective. From there, we continued and reached mutual understanding. Anyway, not sure if this could apply to your scenario, but throwing it out there nonetheless as something to consider.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rip4745 said:


> I mean, it usually isn’t able to get to that point. Like I will communicate my goals, she will become offended that I’m trying to change her belongings, lifestyle etc. even if I’m trying to do it as a team. She labels me “a bully”.
> 
> like I try to do these things as gently as I can. But cannot avoid her upsetting her.


What would happen if you just did what you wanted? If you had her bike repaired and tuned up and then hung it from the ceiling or something to get it out of the way. Her reaction would be?

So instead of giving her a problem, you solve the problem and don’t bother her with it in the first place?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Was she always like this? Did something change to escalate things?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rip4745 said:


> We have *2 young kids and time and money are a bit of a factor.* Any advice would be appreciated thank you.


Your wife has 99 problems but, the bike isn't one (in her mind). So, hang the bike on the wall or from the ceiling and reclaim the space. Don't even mention it to her. It's not like she'll be wanting to ride it. 

Don't bring up problems without also offering solutions. Then ask for her input.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> Yes, that seems like an immature response on her part. On the other hand, why do you care about the broken bike in the garage? Maybe she does want to fix it but hasn't had the energy, time, or money to do it, and _you asking just makes her feel pressured._


Sure....

It isn't the bike, or anything in particular that 'needs' to get done.

Life has buckled her.
She may be depressed.

Normal life is not normal for everyone.

You have two young children, they take (steal!) all your energy and patience.

Plus, the last 18 months has put us against the ropes.
The _Wuhan Virus_ has disrupted life to an unimaginable degree.

Some people cannot take any stress, and some thrive on it.
I am one of those who needs stress, until I burst.

Most people are in the middle of this tolerance.

She is not stress tolerant. 

I would love to say it is female hormones at play, and it may be, but that is not a helpful remark.

Men too, can be normally uptight, and not out of sight.

She needs a good night sleep, on a regular basis. 
Have her take Melotonin or some other sleep aid. 
See if that improves 'things'.


_Are Dee-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

People can give you a million different ways you should raise a very normal question with your wife (what do want to do w the broken bike in the garage) so that she reacts with any kind of normal response and none of them are going to work if she has a personality disorder and/or dysfunctional and unreasonable responses to everyday situations. And it sounds like she sure does.

It should not be this hard to navigate everyday life and questions. 

It's my suspicion that you can jump through hoops, turn cartwheels, twist into a pretzel, and change your personality a billion times and nothing YOU syo is going to make this woman react to life situations in any kind of healthy way.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

OP, if you could answer.... 

How frequently do you confront her with things she needs to do?

What's your tone of voice when you do?

Is she at all prone to depression? 

Might you be implying "here's another problem for you, I found another one"? 

Outside of your relationship, does she generally take offense to nagging, "people sticking their noses into her business" or being managed / micromanaged? 

Maybe your item is 100,002 on her current 100,001 item to-do list?

Is she generally hard working, lazy, easy going, very independent.. ?

Are you generally picky or type A?

Do you regularly inspect her work or critique it? 

Do your requests imply it's her problem alone to solve, or that you'd help?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Her getting so upset, plus calling you a hypocrite then retreating to the bedroom, shutting _and locking_ the door, makes me think that there is more to this story.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> My husband and I were testy with each other a couple of days ago. Mostly over a scenario whereby he had a method of doing something that was opposed to my preference. We both expressed why we wanted to do this thing a certain way and our mutual frustration with each other's approach. Granted, there was no storming off or anything. We did a quick vent and stated our positions but came to a gridlock.
> 
> I went to have a cup of tea on the balcony. Tea solves everything, right? So while having my tea, it gave space to reflect on his thoughts and frustration. By the time I went back inside to where he was, I had mentally validated his view and ready to compromise. Turns out, he had done the same thing but with consideration to my view. So, a compromise was quickly sorted. I'm not suggesting we're an ideal of conflict resolution, however, I do feel there is something in allowing 'space' to digest the other's view and then re-frame one's self towards getting back on the same team.


the difference here is that you take time and become ready to compromise. She usually takes time but later will surrender Or compromise nothing. Also she will never apologize.
These fights take their toll on me. I just feel like I can’t resolve any conflict with her.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Was she always like this? Did something change to escalate things?


She was never like this before having kids. Now it seems like her stress level is off the charts.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Her getting so upset, plus calling you a hypocrite then retreating to the bedroom, shutting _and locking_ the door, makes me think that there is more to this story.


I wouldn’t waste your time or mine by only posting half the story, this is literally what happened.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> OP, if you could answer....
> 
> How frequently do you confront her with things she needs to do?
> 
> ...


I don’t confront her often with things she needs to do anymore for this reason. It isn’t met well. But living together occasionally we have to talk about things that need to get done. As I’ve said before, when I approach her I try to do so as gently as possible and as a friend and partner. 

I believe that this behavior may be linked to post partum depression. She disagrees and won’t talk to a therapist about it.

yes she hates being critiqued or criticized by anyone. Also She’s very codependent on me.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> the difference here is that you take time and become ready to compromise. She usually takes time but later will surrender Or compromise nothing. Also she will never apologize.
> These fights take their toll on me. I just feel like I can’t resolve any conflict with her.


You are describing her like she is 100% unreasonable and there is no getting through to her. If that is the case there isn't anything you can do.

You should be positive you are not aggravating the situation with the way you are talking to her. What you describe here sounds very reasonable, but is that the way it is in reality? If you say, "Hey I need to use the garage, what can I do with your bike?" and she proceeds to yell at you then lock herself in the bedroom you are never going to get anywhere. If you can't get her to engage in a reasonable discussion you will just keep spinning your wheels. How do you think she would respond to suggesting counseling to work on your communication skills?


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Livvie said:


> People can give you a million different ways you should raise a very normal question with your wife (what do want to do w the broken bike in the garage) so that she reacts with any kind of normal response and none of them are going to work if she has a personality disorder and/or dysfunctional and unreasonable responses to everyday situations. And it sounds like she sure does.
> 
> It should not be this hard to navigate everyday life and questions.
> 
> It's my suspicion that you can jump through hoops, turn cartwheels, twist into a pretzel, and change your personality a billion times and nothing YOU syo is going to make this woman react to life situations in any kind of healthy way.


Yeah I mean, if she does have some type of personality disorder then I just want her to get help for it. But she refuses individual counseling.

I guess I just have to do couples counseling and hope she is willing to listen to them.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are describing her like she is 100% unreasonable and there is no getting through to her. If that is the case there isn't anything you can do.
> 
> You should be positive you are not aggravating the situation with the way you are talking to her. What you describe here sounds very reasonable, but is that the way it is in reality? If you say, "Hey I need to use the garage, what can I do with your bike?" and she proceeds to yell at you then lock herself in the bedroom you are never going to get anywhere. If you can't get her to engage in a reasonable discussion you will just keep spinning your wheels. How do you think she would respond to suggesting counseling to work on your communication skills?


She is on board with couples counseling. Which I guess I’m just going to have to prioritize.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> She is on board with couples counseling. Which I guess I’m just going to have to prioritize.


I think that is a great option in this case. The two of you don't seem to be able to sort it out, so hopefully a third person with an outside perspective can break the stalemate.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I’ve dealt with similar defensiveness with my wife. It seems like any time I ask her to do something I end up being accused of being “critical”. Almost like she has a persecution complex sometimes. She will accuse me of taking a tone with her when I’m definitely not. I’ve just learned to pick my battles or bite my tongue sometimes. Or I will preface what I’m going to ask with literally “I want you to know that I’m not trying to be critical but can I ask you...”. The funny thing is she seems to have no problem being critical of me or taking a tone and then will adamantly deny that she did. I just look at it as two people living in close quarters for years will probably just get annoyed with each other from time to time. Doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I also agree with the previous poster who said your wife isn’t a stress tolerant person. Mine definitely isn’t. Whereas certain daily life stressors tend to just roll off my back, my wife seems to really internalize and dwell on her stressors. That tendency seems to spill out into her interactions with me sometimes. I don’t really know how I can help her change that either.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> I’ve dealt with similar defensiveness with my wife. It seems like any time I ask her to do something I end up being accused of being “critical”. Almost like she has a persecution complex sometimes. She will accuse me of taking a tone with her when I’m definitely not. I’ve just learned to pick my battles or bite my tongue sometimes. Or I will preface what I’m going to ask with literally “I want you to know that I’m not trying to be critical but can I ask you...”. The funny thing is she seems to have no problem being critical of me or taking a tone and then will adamantly deny that she did. I just look at it as two people living in close quarters for years will probably just get annoyed with each other from time to time. Doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other.


Living together for years doesn't make you have unhealthy and dysfunctional ways of dealing with everyday life, stress, and your partner.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> Also She’s very codependent on me.


What do you mean? I really want to understand what you mean by this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rip4745 said:


> She is on board with couples counseling. Which I guess I’m just going to have to prioritize.


Yeah, couples counseling, that way two people are said to be at fault!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like your wife thinks there is an imbalance of power in your relationship. 

Look at the vocabulary used: she thinks you are a bully and a hypocrite; you admit she may feel spoken down to, "*requires *something for her to do", surrender, never apologizes, is codependent on you, she gets defensive about simple, random, innocuous thing that turns into big global problems that are talked about for hours. If the item is simple and innocuous then why is it talked about for hours? You're part of the convo, correct?

Don't think the counseling is going to fix her - you might have to do some listening, too.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> I wouldn’t waste your time or mine by only posting half the story, this is literally what happened.


So, you don't speak to her in a belittling way or "find" things for her to do because you don't think she's doing enough? Could she perceive it this way? Maybe you don't realize how you come off or how she takes the way you speak to her?

These do seem like strange behaviors if they are just out of the blue...


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> So, you don't speak to her in a belittling way or "find" things for her to do because you don't think she's doing enough? Could she perceive it this way? Maybe you don't realize how you come off or how she takes the way you speak to her?
> 
> These do seem like strange behaviors if they are just out of the blue...


certainly not. I know she has her hands full with the 2 kids. I’m not finding stuff for her to do at all. In this example I was just cleaning out the garage and asking if we could either fix, or get rid of this bike.
By asking she took this as me criticizing her character. Being lazy, disorganized or irresponsible. I explained that I wasn’t saying that at all. And around and around that went for hours.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like your wife thinks there is an imbalance of power in your relationship.
> 
> Look at the vocabulary used: she thinks you are a bully and a hypocrite; you admit she may feel spoken down to, "*requires *something for her to do", surrender, never apologizes, is codependent on you, she gets defensive about simple, random, innocuous thing that turns into big global problems that are talked about for hours. If the item is simple and innocuous then why is it talked about for hours? You're part of the convo, correct?
> 
> Don't think the counseling is going to fix her - you might have to do some listening, too.


I really try to listen, and I’m willing to learn and change. But these highly emotional responses to some of these topics are so hard for me to follow. That’s all I can say


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> What do you mean? I really want to understand what you mean by this.


She depends on me for most of her emotionally well being. Also she has few friends that she can call and rarely does. (I’ve encouraged her to make some friends outside of me).


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> I’ve dealt with similar defensiveness with my wife. It seems like any time I ask her to do something I end up being accused of being “critical”. Almost like she has a persecution complex sometimes. She will accuse me of taking a tone with her when I’m definitely not. I’ve just learned to pick my battles or bite my tongue sometimes. Or I will preface what I’m going to ask with literally “I want you to know that I’m not trying to be critical but can I ask you...”. The funny thing is she seems to have no problem being critical of me or taking a tone and then will adamantly deny that she did. I just look at it as two people living in close quarters for years will probably just get annoyed with each other from time to time. Doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other.


Well at least I’m not alone. I feel like I have to let most of everything go. When I do have a problem that I have to discuss, I really don’t know how to go about it. Anything that I ask for is met with a stone wall. I try to remain calm, talk quietly, and not blame or get angry. And somehow it still ends up with a very heated exchange.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's good you will be going to counseling. She truly sounds like she has dysfunctional ways of relating, and it takes two people to make a relationship a good one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> She depends on me for most of her emotionally well being.


Thank you for clarifying. However, from what you've posted thus far, it doesn't sound like she is reacting as someone who is getting sustenance for her emotional well being. In fact, it sounds like she is annoyed, irritated, and downright angry with you. So I'm scratching my head a bit over just what well being you mean.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Rip4745 said:


> Hello everyone, I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with and resolve conflict better with my wife.
> 
> on a fairly regular occasion, my wife becomes incredibly defensive about me asking her to do even simple things. And random innocuous things turn into these big global problems that we talk about for hours. We never resolve a problem like this in an hour or two. It takes days and usually she ends up storming off and going to bed before anything is resolved.
> 
> ...


I feel you. My wife starting taking these little pills though which seem to work for both of us better.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I feel you. My wife starting taking these little pills though which seem to work for both of us better.


What pill is she taking?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rip4745 said:


> Hello everyone, I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with and resolve conflict better with my wife.
> 
> on a fairly regular occasion, my wife becomes incredibly defensive about me asking her to do even simple things. And random innocuous things turn into these big global problems that we talk about for hours. We never resolve a problem like this in an hour or two. It takes days and usually she ends up storming off and going to bed before anything is resolved.
> 
> ...


I don't understand why you think it's her job to fix the bike. Usually that would fall to the man. Why haven't you fixed the bike or taking it to be fixed?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't understand why you think it's her job to fix the bike. Usually that would fall to the man. Why haven't you fixed the bike or taking it to be fixed?


He said he offered and she won't let him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Another post kids, home has become a war zone story.

Common problem. It is very hard to deal with this attitude that everything is a criticism of them. Normal commentary is twisted into attacks.

Go to youtube, watch "anything can be an insult", you aren't the first to deal with this...

You need to call it what it is and get it on the table, in a calm, non-aggressive manner. You need to get to a point where you can point out that she is doing it again while it is happening.

Your marriage won't survive her doing things for long. You need to stop it now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

re16 said:


> He said he offered and she won't let him.


I don't see how she could stop him.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Rip4745 said:


> What pill is she taking?


It's an antidepressant / anxiety pill. It's kind of evened her out a little. Now she doesn't fly off the wall at every little thing.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't see how she could stop him.


True, just stop listening to her....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

re16 said:


> True, just stop listening to her....


I'm just getting a vibe here that maybe she wishes he would just take more initiative but it's also a possibility that she thinks there's a hundred other things that take priority over the bike that she wishes he would help do. I mean there's something going on here.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

re16 said:


> Another post kids, home has become a war zone story.
> 
> Common problem. It is very hard to deal with this attitude that everything is a criticism of them. Normal commentary is twisted into attacks.
> 
> ...


yeah this exactly what I outlined in my thread basically.

it’s interesting because she always says her ex-husband was always critical of her and she says she has ptsd and saw a therapist before we met.

but it seems like any little thing I say can set her off, no matter how minor. My words get twisted and she reads into things are derives some sort of intent that wasn’t even there. All I can think of is maybe her previous marital issues are unresolved still? If I even make the slightest suggestion that maybe she had a part in the dissolution of her previous marriage because of her own issues there is absolute hell to pay. So I don’t dare go there.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> It's an antidepressant / anxiety pill. It's kind of evened her out a little. Now she doesn't fly off the wall at every little thing.


my wife had been on Zoloft too from about January till April. She took it without telling me. I noticed a difference in her. Definitely more distant and often just in her own little world. Also a complete decline in libido and interest in any intimacy. I also noticed that if we had one of the “you’re being critical” arguments she came across as much more aggressive than before. Once I discovered (an empty pill bottle was sticking out of her purse) she had been taking it these things made a little more sense.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Rip4745 said:


> asked her “what the plan was for her broken bike in the garage”


If I asked my wife that question, I can assume she's going to get very angry too. I don't know too many women who wouldn't get mad at that. You framed that question wrong, you should of known better than that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> certainly not. I know she has her hands full with the 2 kids. I’m not finding stuff for her to do at all. In this example I was just cleaning out the garage and asking if we could either fix, or get rid of this bike.
> By asking she took this as me criticizing her character. Being lazy, disorganized or irresponsible. I explained that I wasn’t saying that at all. *And around and around that went for hours*.


Of which you participated in.

I know that my husband wouldn't engage in going 'around and around' for hours in dialogue if it wasn't getting us anywhere. It's hard to know what's happening without being privy to her perspective. Have you asked her why she feels that you are hypocrite and bully (when you're not actually in the thick of something) and just listened without debating or explaining? It might just give insight to where she's at, if nothing else.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In the time it takes you to discuss and then get in an argument over something like this I'm thinking you could have fixed the bike. Or else asked her what needed to be fixed and done that.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In the time it takes you to discuss and then get in an argument over something like this I'm thinking you could have fixed the bike. Or else asked her what needed to be fixed and done that.


I'm thinking he should be asking less questions. Just say "hey, I'm gonna throw the bike away" or some bargaining power, "hey, want to suck my **** while I fix that bike of yours?"

I really don't think women liked to be asked what you should or shouldn't do.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't understand why you think it's her job to fix the bike. Usually that would fall to the man. Why haven't you fixed the bike or taking it to be fixed?


Again, this is not about the bike. She has a different functional bike. I offered to take care of the old one by taking it to get fixed or getting rid of it. It doesn’t matter which. I ended up hanging it from the ceiling. None of this matters though. My question is about her reaction. Not what I should do with this bike.


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> If I asked my wife that question, I can assume she's going to get very angry too. I don't know too many women who wouldn't get mad at that. You framed that question wrong, you should of known better than that.


What should I have said?


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> my wife had been on Zoloft too from about January till April. She took it without telling me. I noticed a difference in her. Definitely more distant and often just in her own little world. Also a complete decline in libido and interest in any intimacy. I also noticed that if we had one of the “you’re being critical” arguments she came across as much more aggressive than before. Once I discovered (an empty pill bottle was sticking out of her purse) she had been taking it these things made a little more sense.


Interesting so you think the zoloft made it worse?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> it’s interesting because she always says her ex-husband was always critical of her and she says she has ptsd and saw a therapist before we met.


That is interesting. Would it be fair to say that she is basically doing the same things to you that her ex supposedly did to her? You can't walk on egg shells and keep things to yourself all the time just so you don't wake the dragon. That's a crappy way to live. I wonder what the real story was between her and the ex?


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

re16 said:


> Another post kids, home has become a war zone story.
> 
> Common problem. It is very hard to deal with this attitude that everything is a criticism of them. Normal commentary is twisted into attacks.
> 
> ...


Going to get a therapist involved ASAP. Other than that I’m not sure what else I can do


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## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I'm thinking he should be asking less questions. Just say "hey, I'm gonna throw the bike away" or some bargaining power, "hey, want to suck my **** while I fix that bike of yours?"
> 
> I really don't think women liked to be asked what you should or shouldn't do.


She would be LIVID if I just gave the bike away without telling her. And I’m not sure bargaining with sex would receive a better reaction.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well I was trying to speculate on why that may have upset her and that's why I suggested that maybe she thought you could figure that out or that there was some side issue that she had resentment over like that you're focused on the bike and she wishes you were focused on something else. You have to realize we're going on very little information here.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Rip4745 said:


> She would be LIVID if I just gave the bike away without telling her. And I’m not sure bargaining with sex would receive a better reaction.


No, you don't just give it away without informing her. You say 'hey, I'm gonna get rid of the bike. '

She screams 'Whyyyy??'

You say 'Cuz the **** is broken and taking up space'

Then she will tell you what she wants either you fix it or sell it. She may get mad but she will hopefully value your decisiveness.

And you are being playful not really bargaining with sex (but sort of)... She must have a sense of humor, right?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A lot of the responses here make me think those posters have never dealt with a partner who has a dysfunctional personality. The reason for their behaviors and responses are often not rooted in the reality of the here and now.

Kind of like if you say the sun is out today and they come back with-- stop being mean to me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> A lot of the responses here make me think those posters have never dealt with a partner who has a dysfunctional personality. The reason for their behaviors and responses are often not rooted in the reality of the here and now.
> 
> Kind of like if you say the sun is out today and they come back with-- stop being mean to me.


I agree that could be the case. Although not necessarily. Which is why I personally suggested listening first as a starting point.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think the main issue with these kind of situations is that you can't fix her, she has to fix herself. But if she won't admit there is a problem, then she never starts working on it. Catch22.

You need a counselor to help her admit there is an issue.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The wife is obviously having mental issues of some kind and she doesn't feel supported by her husband. She gets angry because the bike is the least of her problems, her unsympathetic husband being the first. OP, you wife needs support, not to be told she needs to put her bike away.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> The wife is obviously having mental issues of some kind and she doesn't feel supported by her husband. She gets angry because the bike is the least of her problems, her unsympathetic husband being the first. OP, you wife needs support, not to be told she needs to put her bike away.


Totally disagree. Have you read all of the OP's comments about the discussions he's had with her over the bike over the last 6 years?

Haaa he didn't tell her to put her bike away.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Totally disagree. Have you read all of the OP's comments about the discussions he's had with her over the bike over the last 6 years?
> 
> Haaa he didn't tell her to put her bike away.


no, he didn't... the specifics don't matter here. There is a disconnect and the OP is blaming his wife 100%. This is rarely the case in a normal relationship. He sounds like a bully to me.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> Interesting so you think the zoloft made it worse?


I think so. If you’ve read anything about Zoloft it literally suppresses the “love” hormone in peoples brains so their serotonin levels increase. If you Google there are many stories of marital trouble after one partner started Zoloft. Feeling detached, losing the feeling of being in love, no sex drive, and even being a catalyst for infidelity in some instances.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> That is interesting. Would it be fair to say that she is basically doing the same things to you that her ex supposedly did to her? You can't walk on egg shells and keep things to yourself all the time just so you don't wake the dragon. That's a crappy way to live. I wonder what the real story was between her and the ex?


I would say so. Her story is that a couple years into the relationship he became very controlling, critical, and micromanaged her. She says he found fault with everything she would do. Like taking out the trash, she put it in the wrong place. Or pulled the car up too far over in the driveway. She said he picked her apart. She said that he started going out with his friends and staying out all night and not texting or calling her or responding. She said he hid his facebook friends and then even blocked her on Facebook while they were still together. Like he didn’t want her to see what he was doing. She said he started hanging out with a girl he met at CrossFit and even took her out to dinner while they were still married. She says he told her “it doesn’t matter, you’re married to me now and I can do whatever I want”. She says she left when he became physically aggressive towards her and she feared for her safety.

given what she’s told me here it’s hard for me to find fault in anything she did in that marriage. But I don’t know his side of the story.

basically I’ve always given her the benefit of the doubt on this. I assume that her kneejerk reaction to any perceived criticism must stem from her experience in that relationship. But it’s also unfair to me for her to continually make the same mental associations between her ex and I when my intent is never to belittle her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> no, he didn't... the specifics don't matter here. There is a disconnect and the OP is blaming his wife 100%. This is rarely the case in a normal relationship. He sounds like a bully to me.


Again, on different planets with you on this one. He's gently asked her about the bike and what he can help with about it for 6 years. People should be able to discuss getting a broken bike out of a garage without this much strife.

If anyone sounds like a bully, SHE does.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Again, on different planets with you on this one. He's gently asked her about the bike and what he can help with about it for 6 years. People should be able to discuss getting a broken bike out of a garage without this much strife.
> 
> If anyone sounds like a bully, SHE does.


maybe... he comes across as a controlling bully to me. Hence the reaction. Read carefully how he is wording his posts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Again, on different planets with you on this one. He's gently asked her about the bike and what he can help with about it for 6 years. People should be able to discuss getting a broken bike out of a garage without this much strife.
> 
> If anyone sounds like a bully, SHE does.


And, yet, she is the one who feels the need to retreat to the bedroom and* lock* the door to get away from him. She wouldn't lock the door if she felt just a closed door would be enough to give her space. How does he know she locks the door?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

The OP's wife may be holding herself to high expectations (as a relatively new parent, among other things) that she feels like she is not meeting (being very self-critical). Whatever issues the OP brings up may feel to her like piling on to the expectations she already has for herself, about which she already feels she is not able to meet adequately. Is the OP raising an expectation of his wife? Maybe, maybe not, but she may be creating additional expectations for herself from whatever he's asking, raising the bar to unattainable heights herself. I have been (maybe still am?) that person, and have often blown up in such situations. 

The bike example, for me, brings up the concept of a hoarder mentality -- not that she is necessarily a hoarder, but if it might be useful to think about it. Clearly she has some attachment to that bike that seems irrational to non-hoarders. Depression could be a factor, but I think there could be more to it. I probably have some hoarder tendencies myself, and certainly my parents did/do....

Tone -- it is really hard for us to recognize how others might be perceiving our tone, so it is really important to listen when the other party gives us some kind of signal that our tone might be off, and really consider how we might be coming across to them, and try to adjust/apologize/turn-it-down/whatever... I am still learning a lot about myself in this department.

My final point for the OP -- you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. You need to keep that in mind when you get into couples counseling. Your goal for those sessions should not be focussed on your wife, but on yourself! You should listen very carefully to whatever analysis the counselor provides, paying particular attention to what they have to say about _your_ role in the marital dynamics. I haven't been in couples counseling myself, but I've benefitted a lot from individual counseling.

Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> So, you don't speak to her in a belittling way or "find" things for her to do because you don't think she's doing enough? Could she perceive it this way? Maybe you don't realize how you come off or how she takes the way you speak to her?
> 
> These do seem like strange behaviors if they are just out of the blue...


 Judgement you are.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Judgement you are.


Simply asking questions, based on the vibe I'm getting.


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