# So bored



## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

Duty sex, it's all I've got and while part of me is grateful that my wife is nice enough to do that, after 15 years I don't even want that anymore. I have tried everything under the sun, toys, listening, date nights, listening, talking, experimenting, outside, inside, etc, etc and it's always the same. Bland, boring and dutiful. She is an incredible person but the sex is so far past routine.......I'd rather jerk off. She's not overweight, she's attractive, same for me, lol, she still gives me oral but she says she's glad she does that and isnt one of "those wives" that quits that after marriage. Every position suggestion is met with a grudging willingness, oral on her isn't allowed despite my healthy desire to do so, anal was done a few times and she said it was "ok" but not on the menu and I'm tired of the "fussy" approach she has to sex. I hate to say this about my wife and our sex life but it's super boring. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore. I'm becoming resentful as well. weve had so many conversations about this that one more won't do anything to help and just make it tense so I stay quiet. The sad part is she doesn't even get it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You're in a better place than many men so that's a start. You still get oral, she is willing somewhat to try new positions and has tried anal (it is NOT for everyone, trying is a big step and she should be acknowledged for at least trying) 

Would she allow toys? Using a vibe during sex? 
What are you wanting? Specific sexual fantasies of just more enthusiasm in general?


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You're in a better place than many men so that's a start. You still get oral, she is willing somewhat to try new positions and has tried anal (it is NOT for everyone, trying is a big step and she should be acknowledged for at least trying)
> 
> Would she allow toys? Using a vibe during sex?
> What are you wanting? Specific sexual fantasies of just more enthusiasm in general?


I have written this in my head a hundred times but never followed thru because I kept telling myself exactly that, "some guys would kill for what you have". Well, that no longer works. Toys are a waste of money. I found a rabbit she loved and then wouldn't use it anymore. WHAT? She orgasmed hard and then didn't want to use it. I've spent hundreds on toys and other stuff all to just be thrown away later as she never wants to use them. Makes no sense. I bragged on her big time for trying anal and she seemed so proud of herself and yet....no to that as well. Positions are like asking for something odd and she just does it to make me happy but it's grudgingly done so I feel awkward. She uses a vibe during sex and it seems to work. I have asked COUNTLESS times about fantasies and desires and whatever she wants I'll do and she says she doesnt have any real fantasies. I want us to have mutually satisfying sex, that's basically all. I don't want to bring anyone into our bed, no crazy pain/scat/domination stuff or anything like that. I just want to make her happy and be happy as well but apparently that's asking too much? Nobody is having an affair, the kids aren't babies anymore (7years since that) and it's just a dull thud. I'm in a catch 22 because I either suffer thru this current mess, or bring it up and she feels bad so does more charity sex which makes me feel like ****.....you see where that goes.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

What do you expect after 15 years? Be happy you are getting any. Most men in your position are not.


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

I refuse to accept that. I expect effort on both parts to keep things going or at least TRYING to keep things going. That's NOT asking too much.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think you need to suck it up and deal. Good sex is a big deal. 

Was there ever a time she was an adventurous lover? Other than trying things now and then?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Rogerdoger said:


> I have written this in my head a hundred times but never followed thru because I kept telling myself exactly that, "some guys would kill for what you have". Well, that no longer works. Toys are a waste of money. I found a rabbit she loved and then wouldn't use it anymore. WHAT? She orgasmed hard and then didn't want to use it. I've spent hundreds on toys and other stuff all to just be thrown away later as she never wants to use them. Makes no sense. I bragged on her big time for trying anal and she seemed so proud of herself and yet....no to that as well. Positions are like asking for something odd and she just does it to make me happy but it's grudgingly done so I feel awkward. She uses a vibe during sex and it seems to work. I have asked COUNTLESS times about fantasies and desires and whatever she wants I'll do and she says she doesnt have any real fantasies. I want us to have mutually satisfying sex, that's basically all. I don't want to bring anyone into our bed, no crazy pain/scat/domination stuff or anything like that. I just want to make her happy and be happy as well but apparently that's asking too much? Nobody is having an affair, the kids aren't babies anymore (7years since that) and it's just a dull thud. I'm in a catch 22 because I either suffer thru this current mess, or bring it up and she feels bad so does more charity sex which makes me feel like ****.....you see where that goes.


Familiarity breeds contempt

I think you want her to have strong desire for you.

God luck with that.:crying


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

Not as adventurous as me but it's all but gone now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rogerdoger said:


> I refuse to accept that. I expect effort on both parts to keep things going or at least TRYING to keep things going. That's NOT asking too much.


If you've tried talking to her and nothing is changing, then what is your plan? We can't change people. We can't demand that our spouses do anything. Your options are to leave or stay and accept things as they are.....or stay and don't accept things as they are and be miserable with no way out.

In situations like yours, the only ones I've seen improve are the ones where the higher drive partner made it clear they were going to divorce if things didn't improve. And not with an empty threat.

Are you willing to divorce over this? If so you may have to play that card to see any changes. If you are not willing to divorce over it, there is no bargaining chip. 

Stick around and read other similar threads. You'll see the pattern.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Rogerdoger said:


> I have written this in my head a hundred times but never followed thru because I kept telling myself exactly that, "some guys would kill for what you have". Well, that no longer works. Toys are a waste of money. I found a rabbit she loved and then wouldn't use it anymore. WHAT? She orgasmed hard and then didn't want to use it. I've spent hundreds on toys and other stuff all to just be thrown away later as she never wants to use them. Makes no sense. I bragged on her big time for trying anal and she seemed so proud of herself and yet....no to that as well. Positions are like asking for something odd and she just does it to make me happy but it's grudgingly done so I feel awkward. She uses a vibe during sex and it seems to work. I have asked COUNTLESS times about fantasies and desires and whatever she wants I'll do and she says she doesnt have any real fantasies. I want us to have mutually satisfying sex, that's basically all. I don't want to bring anyone into our bed, no crazy pain/scat/domination stuff or anything like that. I just want to make her happy and be happy as well but apparently that's asking too much? Nobody is having an affair, the kids aren't babies anymore (7years since that) and it's just a dull thud. I'm in a catch 22 because I either suffer thru this current mess, or bring it up and she feels bad so does more charity sex which makes me feel like ****.....you see where that goes.




Sorry man. I have a roommate with boobies too, and I know that stale feeling all too well. We get along in other ways, but not regarding sex. Don't let others tell you, "well, at least you're getting x...". Anyone who says that doesn't really get it. You have every right to feel frustrated by this. Needs not being met are needs not being met. End of story. 

After years of this same type of unsatisfying sex, I finally tried to explain it to my wife in terms of a romantic comedy and said, "You know that movie where Jennifer Aniston told Vince Vaughn that it's not enough for him to help her do the dishes? That he should WANT to do the dishes with her? Well, that's how I feel our sex life. I want YOU to want sex with me too. It's just like that!". Didn't help that it was like the one Jennifer Aniston movie that she didn't see so she had no idea what I was talking about (Probably for the better too, since it was called "The Break Up."). But for some reason, she never seems to understand my frustration in this. I'm getting tired of beating my head against the wall too. Pot helps. Other than that, I got nothing. 

But you've come to the right place. If you ever need an abundance of advice or empathy about relationships, TAM is it.
(And for goodness' sake, if you figure out an answer to this dilemma, please post it!)


Cheers...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's a lot harder to get a spouse to be adventurous when they never really have been. The times she was, was there anything that pops out as things she really liked or mentioned? 

Anyway you could get her to fill out one of these? LATCHES: BDSM Checklist

She can put a number from 1-5. 1 meaning no, the rest in different shades of maybe and 5 being yes

Might give both of you some ideas of things that aren't a no and could be tried or have at least a little interest in


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Plus you won't seem so out there with your suggestions when she sees some of the ones on the list. "Eating feces" makes getting oral look tame....  Worth a shot lol


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Some people are just lousy in bed. Sounds like she's one of them.

There's not much you can do if she's unwilling to improve her skills and become more open minded.


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

I've tried those checklists but it was all talk, nothing ever came from it. Literally.


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

Yeah, just the way it is I guess. I don't give up easily so that makes this even tougher. I'm just gonna have to give up as it's not changing.


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## Rogerdoger (Sep 8, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> Sorry man. I have a roommate with boobies too, and I know that stale feeling all too well. We get along in other ways, but not regarding sex. Don't let others tell you, "well, at least you're getting x...". Anyone who says that doesn't really get it. You have every right to feel frustrated by this. Needs not being met are needs not being met. End of story.
> 
> After years of this same type of unsatisfying sex, I finally tried to explain it to my wife in terms of a romantic comedy and said, "You know that movie where Jennifer Aniston told Vince Vaughn that it's not enough for him to help her do the dishes? That he should WANT to do the dishes with her? Well, that's how I feel our sex life. I want YOU to want sex with me too. It's just like that!". Didn't help that it was like the one Jennifer Aniston movie that she didn't see so she had no idea what I was talking about (Probably for the better too, since it was called "The Break Up."). But for some reason, she never seems to understand my frustration in this. I'm getting tired of beating my head against the wall too. Pot helps. Other than that, I got nothing.
> 
> ...



I wish pot was an option but it's not for now. Thanks for the reply. Sounds like we are in the same boat.


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

Firstly talking rarely results in progress and you have tried this avenue. The mind will only justify what the heart has decided. You need a differernt approach as she is now fully armed to defend her stance and complaining is not attractive. Secondly you should not accept her behaviour in as much as she is not honouring your body which is one of her wedding vows, this is fact and she needs to clearly understand, love is manifest in action. If this is not the case she needs to be openly declaring that she is not in love with you anymore. This, if true is a painful revelation for you but opens up pathways to reconciling or not as the case may be. She needs to be aware that you are wanting to rescue the marriage, with no resentment for the hurt caused so far. A clean slate if you like. So, the big question is how? The good news is that you are not claiming new territory but regaining lost ground.One way is through progressing through very small steps each time, pushing boundaries, increasing touch throughout the day, make intimacy gradually become a normal part of the day. In sex push a different boundary each time by a small extra step. She should hardly notice this. Be affirming, be light hearted.Take command and be clear that you are in control. It will be a long process. Don't talk, negotiate, or justify. Her part is to participate in this journey. Every part of her is telling her she doesnt want to be on this journey but give it time (40 days at least) and be clear about the specific things you want from sex in your own mind. Brush off setbacks and move forward again. It is a marathon and you will need a strong resolve. I am not an expert but I know someone for whom this worked. I wish you well!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I wonder whether you still woo your wife the way you did at the beginning of the 15 years together. I am sure you got lots of lusty sex then. I have this problem with my H sometimes too (except on holidays when I am more relaxed0. I sometimes find the sex routine and he does too I am sure. I find he puts a little effort into making me special or wooing me in any way, so the build up is not there. Women are not like men, you guys are ready to go in a few short seconds, women need to be wooed and it starts long before you get to the bedroom. For men it is the destination that counts for women it is the journey. If you get to the destination without any journey then you have a problem.
If there is no wooing, no special moments, no treating her like she is your lady before the bedroom you end up with functional, mechanical sex. Why is it men want a sex Goddess in the bedroom but are unwilling to treat the wife like a Goddess before they get to the bedroom?

So I would suggest you relook at your own actions in relation to this. I for one would be pissed off at your approach as you are putting all the blame on your wife. Most women who have been married for some time have responsive desire, if there is nothing done for them to respond to then what do you expect?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

If your wife did anal for a time or two I'd say she's much more adventurous than most. Let the sex thing go for a while and work on reconnecting with her. It's a hard thing to do from the guys perspective because at least in my case I have a hard time doing this if my needs aren't being met. Someone's gotta get the ball rolling though. You can wait for her to do it but it may be a long wait.


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

Rogerdoger said:


> Duty sex, it's all I've got and while part of me is grateful that my wife is nice enough to do that, after 15 years I don't even want that anymore. I have tried everything under the sun, toys, listening, date nights, listening, talking, experimenting, outside, inside, etc, etc and it's always the same. Bland, boring and dutiful. She is an incredible person but the sex is so far past routine.......I'd rather jerk off. She's not overweight, she's attractive, same for me, lol, she still gives me oral but she says she's glad she does that and isnt one of "those wives" that quits that after marriage. Every position suggestion is met with a grudging willingness, oral on her isn't allowed despite my healthy desire to do so, anal was done a few times and she said it was "ok" but not on the menu and I'm tired of the "fussy" approach she has to sex. I hate to say this about my wife and our sex life but it's super boring. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore. I'm becoming resentful as well. weve had so many conversations about this that one more won't do anything to help and just make it tense so I stay quiet. The sad part is she doesn't even get it.


Sounds to me like you have a pretty good wife man. I wouldn't resent this girl at all.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Rogerdoger said:


> I've tried those checklists but it was all talk, nothing ever came from it. Literally.


Any chance she'd be into a little more assertiveness? 

Sometimes a woman wants to try something but doesn't want to be the one to want to try it... if that makes any sense. 

Pick something from the list she has yes'ed. Make it one she will enjoy, not anal. 

Then wake up and give her a big kiss and tell her "tonight I'm gonna do x to you baby" 

Sext during the day, get her all excited. Plan a night so she's not cooking and cleaning until bedtime. 
Lots of kissing and touching when you get home. 

Then in the bedroom be all "lay down, take off your clothes" 
Not mean, not forceful. Just assertive. 

No "so... can we try x then" 

Obviously if you get any resistance then stop but sometimes we just need things to be not our desision so our minds don't overthink it


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I know this is going to seem like a cop-out, and I'm definitely not one to belittle lack of sex... but you're here, not your wife.

I read somewhere a long time ago that women are like your mirror. Who you are is reflected back by them. I actually believe this to be about 50% of the problem. A person really should be responsible for their own happiness but it's also understandable that being in a depressing, lackluster, or toxic environment has an impact on your behavior no matter how happy you try to keep yourself otherwise.

The first thing I'd do is take a good, hard look at yourself. Are *you* boring? Is your wife bored because you bring no reason for her to be excited by and enamored with you? Do you still game your wife or do you go through the same old routine every single day and assume she's OK with that?

It's one thing to be physically fit. That will definitely help you. But it also takes the right kind of attitude. Are you enjoying lots of independent projects and hobbies? Are you getting out and doing what brings you satisfaction in life? Are you bringing a crummy attitude home? Are her burdens at home unfairly heaped upon her without much help from you?

A woman isn't going to desire you unless she's reminded of the things that attracted her in the first place. Go back in time to when you were dating. What were some of the things you used to do that you no longer do? What were the things you knew used to give her flutters? Find a reason to do that again to spark the memory.

Odo and I are still pretty new to marriage (we have been married for over 1.5 years) but we were both married before, and we make a concerted effort to do enough together so that we get the 15+ necessary hours of quality time together. Maybe we're lucky because we don't have small children in the mix, but we are both exceedingly busy.. me moreso than him. When I can feel the connection slipping or the routine taking over our lives, I mix it up a bit - get us tickets to something different to break up that routine. When he sees I'm overworked, he makes an effort to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and he's helping out more at home so I don't come back after a business trip to a house that looks like it's been hit by a wrecking ball.

How much quality time are you two spending together per week? That's just the two of you with no one else present?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Rodger,

Does your W orgasm during sex, if not did she orgasm in the past?

Did she ever cheat on you or you on her?

Do you feel like you were your Ws second choice?

Tamat


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, I understand how passionless sex can be boring even if she does engage in specific acts that seem good. 

Was she ever passionate? If so, when did that change?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So your wife doesn't like all the things that you do in sex, and she isn't the same as you in bed. So what? She is her and you are you. Sex is all about compromise and being unselfish. Be thankful and grateful that you have a good wife and good marriage. That you love each other.That you still have regular sex. 
Honestly, if my husband decided for whatever reason that he couldn't or wouldn't have sex again, I would still adore him, be so thankful for such a great man, that he wants to be with me and that he loves me. I would still love being married to him. 
Be thankful for the 95% that you DO have rather than the 5% you don't. 

Oh and if you look at porn, stop. Porn damages so many marriages and makes so many discontent with the wife/husband they have promised to love and be faithful to. These women are acting, and it's completely unrealistic.Discontentment and comparrison are poison for a marriage.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sex is supposed to be unselfish. What is unselfish about not wanting to try new things your partner wants to try? Where's the compromise in that?
If your husband suddenly decided he wouldn't have sex with you anymore, he'd be selfish and uncompromising.

It works both ways. Ideally there can be a middle ground found somewhere with enough give and take on both sides. 

I tend to want to try a lot but if a situation came up where I just didn't, instead of flat out saying no I would say "What specifically about that interests you and can we incorporate that aspect into something else to make it something I would be interested in trying?" 

That's unselfish and compromising IMO. 

Try, just try new things. If you don't enjoy them then you can take them off the table but at least try. I expect my bf to try and do things for me that he may not think of himself to do or be really excited about doing. Say, romantic stuff or texting. He tries, he does it for me. That is part of a solid relationship. Doing things for someone else.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Diane7 wrote , *Oh and if you look at porn, stop. Porn damages so many marriages and makes so many discontent with the wife/husband they have promised to love and be faithful to. These women are acting, and it's completely unrealistic.*

I agree porn is unrealistic and honestly I would find it revolting to sleep with a porno actress.

However it's more like looking at couples where the woman still appears to be romantically in love with her husband that creates the unrealistic expectations. 

Tamat


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> However it's more like looking at couples where the woman still appears to be romantically in love with her husband that creates the unrealistic expectations.
> 
> Tamat


There are many couples where the woman IS romantically in love with her husband. They both work hard to meet each others needs, they have fun, they date. 

It doesn't just happen, you make an effort to keep the love going. 

I like these for tips on how to stay in love 
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Diane7 wrote , *Oh and if you look at porn, stop. Porn damages so many marriages and makes so many discontent with the wife/husband they have promised to love and be faithful to. These women are acting, and it's completely unrealistic.*
> 
> I agree porn is unrealistic and honestly I would find it revolting to sleep with a porno actress.
> 
> ...


Yes you are right in that, but porn makes men think that all women should want what these porn actresses do. I have heard that many porn actresses actually hate sex. Many are sexually damaged.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> There are many couples where the woman IS romantically in love with her husband. They both work hard to meet each others needs, they have fun, they date.
> 
> It doesn't just happen, you make an effort to keep the love going.
> 
> ...


and there are many couples who compromise and dont stress over things they cant have but are grateful for the many things they do have.


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Rogerdoger said:


> Duty sex, it's all I've got and while part of me is grateful that my wife is nice enough to do that, after 15 years I don't even want that anymore. I have tried everything under the sun, toys, listening, date nights, listening, talking, experimenting, outside, inside, etc, etc and it's always the same. Bland, boring and dutiful. She is an incredible person but the sex is so far past routine.......I'd rather jerk off. She's not overweight, she's attractive, same for me, lol, she still gives me oral but she says she's glad she does that and isnt one of "those wives" that quits that after marriage. Every position suggestion is met with a grudging willingness, oral on her isn't allowed despite my healthy desire to do so, anal was done a few times and she said it was "ok" but not on the menu and I'm tired of the "fussy" approach she has to sex. I hate to say this about my wife and our sex life but it's super boring. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore. I'm becoming resentful as well. weve had so many conversations about this that one more won't do anything to help and just make it tense so I stay quiet. The sad part is she doesn't even get it.



Being married to someone who no longer finds you desirable is a bitter pill to swallow. We all want to feel loved and desirable. Women want the words and men want the proof. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She gives you oral and used to have anal.

Man, you do not know how good you have it.

be happy.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

To combine a few ideas here, having a wife that has no passion for you actually turns your wife into a porno actress.

Tamat


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Rogerdoger said:


> Duty sex, it's all I've got and while part of me is grateful that my wife is nice enough to do that, after 15 years I don't even want that anymore. I have tried everything under the sun, toys, listening, date nights, listening, talking, experimenting, outside, inside, etc, etc and it's always the same. Bland, boring and dutiful. She is an incredible person but the sex is so far past routine.......I'd rather jerk off. She's not overweight, she's attractive, same for me, lol, *she still gives me oral but she says she's glad she does that and isnt one of "those wives" that quits that after marriage*. Every position suggestion is met with a grudging willingness, oral on her isn't allowed despite my healthy desire to do so, anal was done a few times and she said it was "ok" but not on the menu and I'm tired of the "fussy" approach she has to sex. I hate to say this about my wife and our sex life but it's super boring. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore. I'm becoming resentful as well. weve had so many conversations about this that one more won't do anything to help and just make it tense so I stay quiet. The sad part is she doesn't even get it.


What bothers you about the bolded?

Is it your belief that wives often give their husbands oral because it's so much fun for *them*?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Your wife is not the problem.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Rogerdoger Be honest, how much porn are you watching? Have you been having sex with someone else, either with her consent (swinging, threesomes etc) or without her consent? 


I can't help feeling you may be a little unrealistic in your expectations of marital sex after 15 years of marriage and kids etc. 

If you've been having encounters with toys, anal, regular oral and sexual activity when you ask for it more often than not, then it is not that she is not adventurous or DTF.

And it is likely not a relationship issue or medical or a lack of attraction or a base-level of libido. ....... It is that you have been married for 15 years and neither of you are 25 years old any more. 

The reason I asked about the porn is if you are watching a lot of porn regularly, that can rewire the desire circuits in your brain and make it so that you think sex is always some kind of high-energy, turbo charged #[email protected](fest with sweaty, panting bodies swinging from the chandeliers. If you have been involved in sex with others, that will also condition you to being used to and conditioned to a higher-intensity sexual experience to where a garden-variety, long term marital sex life will seem somewhat lackluster. 

If you are expecting her to be this ever-ready, horny, sexpot that is always wanting to jump your bones and ride the waves of passion and be craving a high intensity, porn like sexual activity all the time, then you are kind of expecting her to be like......well.... a dude :-O

Middle aged mothers that have been married 15+ years, just simply are not a walking tank of hormones like men. There are some spikes in women before the onset of menopause where their libidos can take a spike, but they are still mostly responsive desire rather than the spontaneous desire of men. 

Things that got her motor running years ago, may not have the same effect today so other techniques and tactics may need to be utilized.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M2 is romantically in love with me. And vice versa. 




SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> There are many couples where the woman IS romantically in love with her husband. They both work hard to meet each others needs, they have fun, they date.
> 
> It doesn't just happen, you make an effort to keep the love going.
> 
> ...


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

I am going to suggest something off the wall, but try being more alpha, nothing drys up a women interest like a beta male, and typically betas get maintenance sex, until the wife decides to stray, to get that excitement back. Have you considered dating your wife ? you better before someone else does


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Neither are really at fault, they just are not compatible sexually. He could have made it more of a priority when picking a wife but pretty much everyone can coulda, woulda, shoulda away a ton of marriage problems. 

It'll likely never be where he wants it but he may be able to get it a bit more on his side. 

Better than many doesn't mean it's acceptable. 

I'm hungry right now. I didn't eat all day. That's not ok with me. People in other countries haven't eaten in days and are starving. 
Doesn't make me less hungry or my need to eat go away. 

I think he has enough of a start to work with which is a better position than many, but I can see where he'd have areas that aren't enough.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rogerdoger said:


> I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore.


If you getting to that point and it matters, you may as well cut your losses and replace her with someone who is a more compatible sexual partner.

Maybe both of you would be better served by finding new sexual partners.



Rogerdoger said:


> I have asked COUNTLESS times about fantasies and desires and whatever she wants I'll do and she says she doesnt have any real fantasies.





Rogerdoger said:


> I want us to have mutually satisfying sex, that's basically all.





Rogerdoger said:


> I just want to make her happy and be happy as well but apparently that's asking too much?


It is possible she is simply telling you the truth about a lack of fantasies and is happy and or content with what she shares with you. Likewise she may instead be bored as well, yet doesn't want to address it or doesn't want to tell you lest that somehow upsets you.

Likewise in terms of satisfaction, she may not like toys that much even if they do get her off.

That said, perhaps you could tell her what you want, plus tell her you will lead it all and with her consent do exactly that.

With my wife there have been limited occasions where I sometimes thought maybe I was too demanding and selfish when it came to sex. So I asked my wife if she wants to have sex, or if she wants to do something. Yet in discussions about such things, she has said she doesn't want me to ask her for permission or agreement.

She wants me to take her and have my way with her as I like, if she doesn't want something or isn't up for it she has no qualms in telling me. Yet she likes the fact I lead and do what I want and have what I want sexually. Since doing that arouses her a lot, while she loses desire if I do not lead her and take her sexually.

She has told me that if I ask her for sex or ask if she would like to have sex, she is inclined to frequently say no. Whereas she loves it if I just start on her and or tell her what I am going to do to her and get on with it, or tell her to do what I want.

I only mention this because your wife may prefer that approach, that said before going down that path you need to be comfortable with that, and you both must have some serious discussions and agreement regarding such things (followed by action), even if you both have to bring your own checklists to the discussion.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> Is it your belief that wives often give their husbands oral because it's so much fun for *them*?


My wife certainly gets aroused when she does that and has always done it frequently, as did my ex-wife and some others.

Some women really enjoy it and some don't like it at all, with most¹ of the rest being somewhere in-between.

¹ _Accounting for those who have never done it._


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> She gives you oral and used to have anal.
> 
> Man, you do not know how good you have it.
> 
> be happy.


In my experience the addition of oral and anal sex, is nothing more than a standard NATO cup of coffee.

I know some people who enjoy eating bain-marie steak doused in packet mix gravy with some mixed peas and corn. Yet I loathe eating such bland food and choose not to subject myself to it.

Some of us are simply not satisfied with a sex life that is mediocre or sub-par.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I can't help feeling you may be a little unrealistic in your expectations of marital sex after 15 years of marriage and kids etc.


I've been with my wife of 18+ years for 21+ years and I don't think his expectations are unrealistic.



oldshirt said:


> And it is likely not a relationship issue or medical or a lack of attraction or a base-level of libido. ....... It is that you have been married for 15 years and neither of you are 25 years old any more.


Well my wife and I got together when she was almost 26 and I was almost 25, yet we have enjoyed a great sex life through many years after. Which has seen us do more things and go even more places sexually together than we did in our first few years together.

That said one of the reasons why we have gone places we didn't in the first place is because, there have been times when we have started to get into a rut of doing the same things. As a consequence of that, we reassess, adjust and reinvigorate ourselves by going on a new journey of discovery together.

Incidentally for the past month we have found that we have started to get into a rut again. So we are now going to start a new sexual journey together, where we will try new things. Some of which will be quite a departure from what we have shared before, where we will adopt what we like and abandon that which doesn't excite us.



oldshirt said:


> The reason I asked about the porn is if you are watching a lot of porn regularly, that can rewire the desire circuits in your brain and make it so that you think sex is always some kind of high-energy, turbo charged #[email protected](fest with sweaty, panting bodies swinging from the chandeliers. If you have been involved in sex with others, that will also condition you to being used to and conditioned to a higher-intensity sexual experience to where a garden-variety, long term marital sex life will seem somewhat lackluster.


It's funny my wife and I are looking at starting to do some more hedonistic things rather than less, yet much of our sex life hasn't been particularly garden variety for either of us.



oldshirt said:


> If you are expecting her to be this ever-ready, horny, sexpot that is always wanting to jump your bones and ride the waves of passion and be craving a high intensity, porn like sexual activity all the time, then you are kind of expecting her to be like......well.... a dude :-O


In my experience lots of women seem to have an almost insatiable sexual drive, that doesn't mean that they don't get bored or sometimes find their sexual partners or the sex they have somewhat uninspiring.



oldshirt said:


> Middle aged mothers that have been married 15+ years, just simply are not a walking tank of hormones like men. There are some spikes in women before the onset of menopause where their libidos can take a spike, but they are still mostly responsive desire rather than the spontaneous desire of men.


My wife is 47 and a mother of two teenage children, yet she has always wanted plenty of sex and has enjoyed a smorgasbord of high frequency non-vanilla pleasures, and now wants to explore some more new things.



oldshirt said:


> Things that got her motor running years ago, may not have the same effect today so other techniques and tactics may need to be utilized.


I concur, so it might be a case of adopting new activities and or of finding new partners together or apart.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rogerdoger said:


> Duty sex, it's all I've got and while part of me is grateful that my wife is nice enough to do that, after 15 years I don't even want that anymore. I have tried everything under the sun, toys, listening, date nights, listening, talking, experimenting, outside, inside, etc, etc and it's always the same. Bland, boring and dutiful.


What is it about your sex life that is dutiful?



Rogerdoger said:


> She is an incredible person but the sex is so far past routine.......I'd rather jerk off. She's not overweight, she's attractive, same for me, lol, she still gives me oral but she says she's glad she does that and isnt one of "those wives" that quits that after marriage.


If she's saying this, I'd be speculating she wants to feel appreciated/cherished/desired by you.



Rogerdoger said:


> Every position suggestion is met with a grudging willingness, oral on her isn't allowed despite my healthy desire to do so, anal was done a few times and she said it was "ok" but not on the menu and I'm tired of the "fussy" approach she has to sex. I hate to say this about my wife and our sex life but it's super boring.


Do you know why she won't allow you to go down on her? 

Fussy or misunderstood?




Rogerdoger said:


> I feel like I've tried everything and I'm to the point of I'm really concerned I don't care anymore. I'm becoming resentful as well. weve had so many conversations about this that one more won't do anything to help and just make it tense so I stay quiet. The sad part is she doesn't even get it.


Do you have understanding of her perspective? 

Oh, so many questions


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Satya said:


> When I can feel the connection slipping or the routine taking over our lives, I mix it up a bit - get us tickets to something different to break up that routine. When he sees I'm overworked, he makes an effort to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and he's helping out more at home so I don't come back after a business trip to a house that looks like it's been hit by a wrecking ball.
> 
> How much quality time are you two spending together per week? That's just the two of you with no one else present?


I loved your entire post but really felt my head nodding here.

Consideration.

My husband was overnight interstate for work. He inputs flights and hotel into our shared calendar. I arranged with the hotel to have gin and mixed nuts waiting in his room with a love note upon arrival. He'd planned to work from his room that night however got the love note, relaxed with the gin and rested instead. A simple gesture that meant a lot to him. And he considers me in return.


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Personal said:


> If you getting to that point and it matters, you may as well cut your losses and replace her with someone who is a more compatible sexual partner.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That all sounds fine as long as she is into it but if she just lays there and takes it that is boring. I do have a wife that enjoys giving oral sex but never anal and mot even when we were young. Let's face it, everyone is different, maybe this guy needs to introduce his wife to Friday night porn movies.
Rewire her brain for sex. But couples do change after time and 15 yrs with the same person is a lot of time. An old joke
Wife to husband; I just read that a Bull can have sex 50 times day
Husband to wife; sarcastic says "with the same cow"?

That is a two way street.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

If you don't like have bland boring sex, don't. 


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Did you talk to her about this? Exactly this?

You are Yin to my Yang. My wife is very passionate but will not do anything but PIV in a few positions. Toys, oral, anything like that would not be tolerated.


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Finwe said:


> Did you talk to her about this? Exactly this?
> 
> 
> 
> You are Yin to my Yang. My wife is very passionate but will not do anything but PIV in a few positions. Toys, oral, anything like that would not be tolerated.



You don't get bored?


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

This is not going to be very helpful, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I am in the same boat but with other issues. 
Talking and seemingly coming to agreements doesn't really work. Same crap over and over...years invested and just feel so done now. 
It's extremely frustrating. 
I have no advice...I am on here looking for some myself.
Stay strong, good luck!


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Without completely hi-jacking this thread and making everything about me - Yes. Very bored.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> Sorry man. I have a roommate with boobies too, and I know that stale feeling all too well. We get along in other ways, but not regarding sex. Don't let others tell you, "well, at least you're getting x...". Anyone who says that doesn't really get it. You have every right to feel frustrated by this. Needs not being met are needs not being met. End of story.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Here is the thing......Every man wants a passionate lover and we all have that in the beginning of our relationships and like iddiots we think it will last so we get married. We the day to day crap has a way of smothering that passion. At some point you will realize that If you want that again you need to go get a new relationship.
That's a fact.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rogerdoger said:


> I have written this in my head a hundred times but never followed thru because I kept telling myself exactly that, "some guys would kill for what you have". Well, that no longer works. Toys are a waste of money. I found a rabbit she loved and then wouldn't use it anymore. WHAT? She orgasmed hard and then didn't want to use it. I've spent hundreds on toys and other stuff all to just be thrown away later as she never wants to use them. Makes no sense. I bragged on her big time for trying anal and she seemed so proud of herself and yet....no to that as well.


She was proud of herself for pleasing YOU. That is an ok short term motivator. It is not a great motivator for ground level change. She does not want sex for HER. She is not in touch with HER super freak.

I wonder if counseling would help you bridge that gap?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

David51 said:


> Here is the thing......Every man wants a passionate lover and we all have that in the beginning of our relationships and like iddiots we think it will last so we get married. We the day to day crap has a way of smothering that passion. At some point you will realize that If you want that again you need to go get a new relationship.
> That's a fact.


I would modify this slightly. I would say for many (most?) guys who have trouble finding women to have sex with while we are single, when we find a woman who is willing to have sex with us on a regular basis, we are motivated to marry her to "keep her to ourselves" before she finds some other guy she likes better. After all, willing sex partners are rare (for us), so when you find one you don't want to let her get away.

Problem is, all too often, her willingness to have regular sex with us was based on her wanting to get married, have kids, have a co-parent and someone to help pay the bills, etc. Not on actual passion for us as a lover. She was willing to pay the price to get what she wanted. So once she gets what she wanted (ring, marriage certificate, house / apartment, kid), her motivation to continue to have sex goes way down. Now sex is a chore (the price) and there is no benefit to be gained unless we are willing to leave. Which many of us "nice guys" are not willing to do nearly soon enough after the sex wanes.

Yes, in the case where she was never really hot for us, there often is nothing that will result in more sex except (i) threatening to leave her or (ii) leave her and find someone else. And frankly, for many of us "nice guys", once you realize she was never into you, you stop wanting to accept mercy sex. So that really does leave just finding someone new.


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## Old and tired (Sep 18, 2017)

David51 said:


> Here is the thing......Every man wants a passionate lover and we all have that in the beginning of our relationships and like iddiots we think it will last so we get married. We the day to day crap has a way of smothering that passion. At some point you will realize that If you want that again you need to go get a new relationship.
> That's a fact.


As a wife, I find this statement incredibly sad. That initial passion is different, but there is a long-term passion. I couldn't imagine starting a new relationship every few years.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You may try suggesting a schedule for your wife. Let her decide what days are better for her. Let her know your needs have to be met, ask her what she needs as well. Turns out, my wife likes foot rubs and back massages more than sex, whereas I want sex three to four times a week plus a weekly BJ to completion and butt stuff at least once every other month. She's good with my needs and I good with hers. Both agree not to complain and both agree to be enthusiastic when satisfying each other. Try it, it works for me.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes you are right in that, but porn makes men think that all women should want what these porn actresses do. I have heard that many porn actresses actually hate sex. Many are sexually damaged.


 @Diana7 you are correct. Just watch any documentary on Netflix re: Porn.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> She gives you oral and used to have anal.
> 
> Man, you do not know how good you have it.
> 
> be happy.


Exactamundo!!


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

You probably won’t find a lot of empathy here...most of us wish we had your problem.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thread dead? What happened to Roger, he dodged us?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rogerdoger said:


> I refuse to accept that. I expect effort on both parts to keep things going or at least TRYING to keep things going. That's NOT asking too much.


Nor should you accept that in any way. 

Have a calm talk get some therapy, and if it is not better, get out....


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

September 2017 to today--Marriednatlanta why was this thread resurrected? Your post was last and first.


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