# If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them



## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

If there isn't already a book with a similar title there should be because this is essentially what happens a lot of times.

I'm only 2 months into R with my wife after she had an A. From my knowledge the OM is out of the picture and I'm pretty darn sure the A is over due to some extensive detective work over the past 2 months.

What is left is a much better me as a husband. I'm actually now the husband she has always wanted according to her. We feel closer and I have to say even though the sex is awesome I don't feel so dependent on it like I did before. Yes it still hurts but I feel more in love and the feeling seems mutual.

So I'm sitting here thinking to myself...she was unhappy, had an emotional affair that turned into sex with OM, and now I have given her a better version of myself. It just seems really strange to think about. If I had cheated on her I'm pretty sure we'd be split up right now. How does she get to have sex outside the marriage and now almost get rewarded for it? I'm not saying I feel it's unfair or that I want to get revenge but it's just odd how things happen sometimes.

I know I'm probably over thinking but this is what happens a lot of times. It almost makes me wonder if it wasn't all planned. I mean hell, if you aren't happy you might as well cheat and see what comes of it. Either they leave you or the marriage becomes better. Sure there are still bad days, and I have zero trust for her and she knows it, she has to check in with me all the time, and be transparent but things are much better than they were before the A happened.

What a roller coaster infidelity is.  That or God just has a real sick sense of humor I guess.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Or you could learn how to communicate.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Erm what about the cheating spouse themselves?


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

I agree that communication would have been a much less painful route. But I have to admit, I don't think I would have been as serious about working on my marriage as I am now if she wouldn't have cheated on me, if that makes sense.

I wouldn't have taken it seriously. She tried telling me she needed more of an emotional connection with me and more attention but it fell on deaf ears. Not now man, I listen to everything she says and we talk more open and honest with each other than ever before.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> It just seems really strange to think about. If I had cheated on her I'm pretty sure we'd be split up right now. How does she get to have sex outside the marriage *and now almost get rewarded for it? *I'm not saying I feel it's unfair or that I want to get revenge but it's just odd how things happen sometimes.


If by "reward" you mean take her back after she cheated, then that was a choice you made all on your own. Nobody forced you to stay married/offer reconciliation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My thoughts have taken me down a similar road a few times. He cheated and now I am a better spouse. I also agree with this: "I don't think I would have been as serious about working on my marriage as I am now if (s)he wouldn't have cheated on me". It was a gigantic wake up call.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Perhaps it's instinctual, but maybe it has more to do with reclaiming what's "yours" and doing what you need to do to keep it?


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

I don't think I could ever take someone back after they cheated on me.

They cheated and got away with it once. They would have to be VERY VERY VERY remorseful to convince me they wouldn't do it again.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If by "reward" you mean take her back after she cheated, then that was a choice you made all on your own. Nobody forced you to stay married/offer reconciliation.


This is true....and thank you for reminding me of that. She showed remorse and that she wanted to R and it was my choice to say yes and still is MY choice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well yeah. I think a lot of time swe get down on ourselves but when you look at The Big Picture--you both had a choice-whether to stay or go. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but it's something to think about.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

It actually does make it easier. We've talked about it and both agree that we are here together because we WANT to be. Not because we have to be, or for the kids, or because it's "the right thing" to do. But because we both genuinely want to be.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm some what confused on this topic..first off some cheaters cheat just to cheat..when a faithful spouse does everything for their spouse.treats them as if they are kings or queens why then would they still cheat..i know with all my soul i did everything for my spouse.his excuse still today for his affairs is simple..he doesn't know why???...so my excuse now for divorcing is simple..i'm over it..i've gave him months to talk,counseling ,all i could give he refused..he wants to forget all this ever happened..save our marriage..how can a marriage be saved when the betrayer is still a loser..i give kudos to the couples here who are working non stop,but when the evidence is in your face day after day that he is still lying,hiding his affairs i can honestly say i am the winner here by walking away and having peace again.i know i will never get the answers i need nor the fact as to why he cheated.all i do know is that i was a great wife,at least he does tell me that and that i wasn't the reason..he did this for himself and his addiction.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> It actually does make it easier. We've talked about it and both agree that we are here together because we WANT to be. Not because we have to be, or for the kids, or because it's "the right thing" to do. But because we both genuinely want to be.


:iagree:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If by "reward" you mean take her back after she cheated, then that was a choice you made all on your own. Nobody forced you to stay married/offer reconciliation.


:iagree:



> If I had cheated on her I'm pretty sure we'd be split up right now.


You don't know that and neither does she. Only until 'you cross that bridge' will both of you know the truth - hopefully you won't be a dumba$$ like she was.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This depends on what your perceived issues were that you worked on to make you a better husband.

Are you really a better husband? Or are you just being what SHE WANTS you to be. This is the problem I see with R. Often the party that was loyal has the honor of changing everything while the betrayer reaps the benefits.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

am I glad with how things turned out and how we rebuilt a marriage and things are better now?

yes


Do I think it could have been done without the cheating?

hell yes


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Any changes you make to better yourself as a man and a husband should be for YOUR benefit not hers no matter what the outcome of the marriage. Otherwise, they are fake and you will eventually go back to your old ways.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think it took him time to process the betrayal and he is feeling the resentment now. It will much worse for some more time.

OP , are you sure you have the full truth?


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

@str8insane My thread title is a little harsh. Sorry about that but in no way am I suggesting that cheating is a good way to have a better marriage. But in my situation that has been the case so far. But I have a history of learning things the hard way and her cheating was a huge wake up call. Unlike you, I was not a good spouse. I was guilty of being a bad husband and not giving her attention. It doesn't justify what she did but nonetheless I wasn't there for her. Before the A it was nag nag nag b*tch b*tch f*ck you..and I would leave the house for hours. I did everything I could in extra curricular activities just to NOT be at home. 

Your situation is a bit different. Normally when men cheat it's all about the sex and that's it. You were already a good wife so him cheating wasn't going to change anything for the better.

I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you are taking a stand for yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> It actually does make it easier. We've talked about it and both agree that we are here together because we WANT to be. Not because we have to be, or for the kids, or because it's "the right thing" to do. But because we both genuinely want to be.


Well, I meant "it doesn't make it easier" in the sense that you will have to deal with triggers/the pain of infidelity, the hurdles of restoring a marriage post-infidelity. 

But I do think it's great you mutually decided to stay together. That is paramount, and really the only thing that matters in the end.



morituri said:


> You don't know that and neither does she. Only until 'you cross that bridge' will both of you know the truth - hopefully you won't be a dumba$$ like she was.


A-freakin-men.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Interesting topic. You are a very forgiving person, obviously....but if it were me I'd be wondering how long it would be before it might happen again, when the immediate 'R' efforts have settled down. I think I'd probably also be in a mind to go out and bang someone on a business trip or something....just to in my mind 'be on an even keel'.

All the best to you for doing what you are though; hope it works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

This is like saying that you wish you had cancer so that you could appreciate life.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Maybe if your wife cheats on you 1000 more times your marriage will be a 1000 times greater than it is now.


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> Interesting topic. *You are a very forgiving person*, obviously....but if it were me I'd be wondering how long it would be before it might happen again, when the immediate 'R' efforts have settled down. I think I'd probably also be in a mind to go out and bang someone on a business trip or something....just to in my mind 'be on an even keel'.
> 
> All the best to you for doing what you are though; hope it works out for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not forgiven her and she knows that. I am only trying to do what feels right day by day.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> This is like saying that you wish you had cancer so that you could appreciate life.


Or... give me $100,000 so you can learn how to appreciate sound financial planning.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> I have not forgiven her and she knows that. I am only trying to do what feels right day by day.


Careful with depending on your feelings to dictate your course of action. Doing so almost always comes back to bite us in the a$$.

Check out my links below. You may find something useful to help you out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Do you feel that she has become a better wife out of all this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> Or... give me $100,000 so you can learn how to appreciate sound financial planning.


worked for this guy....


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## wasclueless (Jan 29, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Maybe if your wife cheats on you 1000 more times your marriage will be a 1000 times greater than it is now.


Haha! I like your humor. But I doubt that because she wouldn't get the chance to cheat on me the other 999 times because we WOULD be done.

Don't think I'm a pushover or something. It didn't go down like that trust me. We've both been through hell and back. It's been a tough road full of ups and downs. I can't begin to tell you what I almost did to her, myself, or the OM. I can get a little crazy when I need to and I almost lost it all together. It's been a lot of tears, anger, confusion, with a lack of trust mixed in. It isn't like we decided to R the day after D-day. It's been tough and still is some days but it's waken me up and made me work on myself as a person and a husband.

We did the no-contact letter, I exposed her, and I continue to be aware of whats going on. She has shown remorse and continues to be completely transparent with me. We are just trying to make it work because that is what we both want. But cheating on me again would be the end.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Has your wife made no improvements in herself since the A? In my case, we were both terrible spouses and during reconciliation, we both improved a lot in many areas. It's been three years and for the most part, we've maintained those improvements. When things get rough, we are much better at communicating and listening. 

If you are the only one who has been working to become a better spouse, I think that could be a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, next time she does something wrong in the marriage, go ahead and cheat on her. That'll fix her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wasclueless, I know where you're coming from. It's really hard to describe though. I am not the least bit happy my husband cheated on me. not the least bit. But I was a horrible person to him for about 4 years leading up to it. Just as he was to me. We each made a different choice about how to deal with it. Could we be where we are today if he hadn't cheated? Sure we could. Would we be though? I don't know. Someone compared it to having cancer in order to appreciate life. In a way it is. No one would wish they did have cancer, no one would wish their spouse got cancer, but if they did get it, they WOULD appreciate life more. It's a horrible way to do it, but there you go. Can you get the same appreciation for life without it? Sure you can. But many don't.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

rock said:


> If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
> 
> A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
> 
> ...



Rock, you got it right up to 9:03.

After that a true alpha male would be loading his Smith and Wesson 500 loaded with 700 grain hardcast bullets. It will bring down a freaken Tyrannosaurus.

9:04 he would shed a tear that he wasted such a beatiful bullet on such a puny animal. And be pissed that now he has to clean his weapon over a piece of shi*.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

rock said:


> If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
> 
> A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
> 
> ...


That is freakin awesome, I love it!


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

wasclueless said:


> If there isn't already a book with a similar title there should be because this is essentially what happens a lot of times.
> 
> I'm only 2 months into R with my wife after she had an A. From my knowledge the OM is out of the picture and I'm pretty darn sure the A is over due to some extensive detective work over the past 2 months.
> 
> ...


I feel you. That is illogical, but TRUE in many cases.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Someone hasn't hit the anger stage yet. For me it hit close to the 6 month mark during my R. 

In a few months you may start to think about this again, why did you "reward" her for cheating? She got to go screw around with no negative repercussions and gets a better husband as a bonus. You are going to realize that it wasn't really fair to you.

Time will tell, 2 months isn't a long time by any stretch. Its way too soon to say your M is past all of this. My first R lasted 6 months.

I'm about 3 years in R myself (third and LAST time at R).


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

at 9:035 A true Alpha would have called her bff and turned the tables


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Think I'll go rob a liquor store so I REALLY learn to appreciate my freedom more when they let me out of prison
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rock said:


> If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
> 
> A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
> 
> ...


What is this Alpha crap? Are you saying that it makes you more of a man to be unforgiving? I am the BS and committing my self to trying to save my family was the hardest, most courageous thing I have ever done. It would have been much easier for me to take the easy way out and kick his a$$ out the door. It would have made me feel more"Alpha" and a lot less like a doormat, but it would not have been the right thing for my child, and our family Alpha is for wolves and other unintelligent animals. Females can be "Alpha" too; the cheating b!tch who went after my H was very Alpha, she was a hard charger and 100% the aggressor.Do you think she is admirable for her boldness, and her no nonsense approach to getting what she wanted? I certainly don't. Life is a lot more complex than a world divided into Alpha and Beta camps. Are you sure you aren't confusing macho with Alpha?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> at 9:035 A true Alpha would have called her bff and turned the tables


Sorry, you don't kick her out and sleep with her bff until after she cooks a really good dinner. A man's gotta eat, you know?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Wow! what a concept. I read the original post twice. 
I do not think my husband got a better wife after his EA because I have always been good to him and I have made changes since but I think that I was better before because I was not always checking up on him, watching him, asking questions. Yeah so I trusted him and my actions where in accordance with one that trust fully

He got a suspicious wife. May be that too will change and he can get a better spouse out of all this but the shrapnel and mess of the explosion is cleaned up it will look different.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It is well documented that in SOME cases of infidelity, that the affair reignites passion in the relationship and the couple grows closer.

It happens. Don't think anyone would recommend cheating as a strategy to get closer to your spouse. As Hope said, its a wake up call ... For some. Curtain call for others.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

In my situation, things have definitely improved in ways. Sometimes a person has to lose what they have to appreciate it. They have to make mistakes to learn from them. It's human nature. After my wifes A, she's now devoted to doing whatever it takes to make me happy, shes much more honest and open, and the sex is 10x better. As a husband I'd say I've improved as well, I'm much more receptive to her feelings and needs. But ALL of these things could have been fixed with good communication, but unfortunately some of us need the shock value of an A to wake us the fck up

I will say though, our love isn't as special to me as it once was...it never will be again. I can never trust her the way I did, I will always have my doubts. Perhaps those are naive to just carelessly believe in to begin with? Those are just a few things that can never be repaired/improved in my opinion.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> What is this Alpha crap? Are you saying that it makes you more of a man to be unforgiving? I am the BS and committing my self to trying to save my family was the hardest, most courageous thing I have ever done. It would have been much easier for me to take the easy way out and kick his a$$ out the door. It would have made me feel more"Alpha" and a lot less like a doormat, but it would not have been the right thing for my child, and our family Alpha is for wolves and other unintelligent animals. Females can be "Alpha" too; the cheating b!tch who went after my H was very Alpha, she was a hard charger and 100% the aggressor.Do you think she is admirable for her boldness, and her no nonsense approach to getting what she wanted? I certainly don't. Life is a lot more complex than a world divided into Alpha and Beta camps. Are you sure you aren't confusing macho with Alpha?



Oaks - when I found this site there was Alpha, Beta talk. Other then the 7 years of Greek I had to take in college and Grad school it does little for me. To me it is like saying "man up" just another non-sense expression. How can a man "man up" he** he is already a man. I get what folks mean but it is not my world or my vocabulary. I would lighten up a little. For me I find this talk amusing and I join in the banter from time to time. I need a laugh and lots of them because what I am going through and what many others (like yourself) are going through is not funny and a little lightheartedness helps me make it through the day.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If my wife ever cheated on me, I KNOW I would be a better husband.........to my NEW wife, whoever she may be.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

"If you want a better spouse....Cheat on them". And how is a destroyed person with low self-esteem going to make a better spouse?:scratchhead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

827Aug said:


> "If you want a better spouse....Cheat on them". And how is a destroyed person with low self-esteem going to make a better spouse?:scratchhead:


Not everyone who gets cheated on ends up destroyed with low self esteem. 

Not everyone who feels they are a better spouse feels that way because they are making the cheater happy and not themselves.

One thing I did was some soul searching. I got to know myself better and discovered I needed to fix some things. Still do. But I like myself a lot more now. I'm a better person, therefore a better spouse. And mom, and daughter, and coworker, and friend, etc etc.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2010-21218-001/

In a recent study people who faced about 2 to 4 serious adverse events or traumas in their lives were more resilient, happier, more satisfied than those who faced none . Those who faced a lot of traumas or serious adverse events had very poor outcomes in regard to mental health, physical health, etc. 

It has to do with coping skills.

Just thought it was interesting in light of what we are discussing.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

This is so [email protected] stupid,cheat and get a better spouse?Wonder how many lives were ruined by cheating? Families? Kids?Suicides? 
Fvck,I came close. I dont think any MC would recomend this.Improving your marriage does not mean cheating is an option.Just take a look at all the post on here by people who have been betrayed.Some now are nuts,addicts,alcoholics or worse.There are desperate people out there who will try this,too many innocents get caught in the crossfire.Flat out f ing stupid to think this would improve your life or spouse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wasclueless said:


> If there isn't already a book with a similar title there should be because this is essentially what happens a lot of times.
> 
> I'm only 2 months into R with my wife after she had an A. From my knowledge the OM is out of the picture and I'm pretty darn sure the A is over due to some extensive detective work over the past 2 months.
> 
> ...


No doubt some cheaters do this as a power play consciously or not. I'll show them. Then the BS takes the blame. Not good. So in essence that threat is always there. Stay in line, meet my needs BUT I may decide to cheat again.

I am seeing this somewhat suggested in some other threads. Like trying to make lack of attention grounds for having sex with someone else. The marriage gets renegotiated where the BS has to do the changing in hopes that the WS does not go outside the marriage again.

So what were you hoping for when you decided to reconsile?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Oaks - when I found this site there was Alpha, Beta talk. Other then the 7 years of Greek I had to take in college and Grad school it does little for me. To me it is like saying "man up" just another non-sense expression. How can a man "man up" he** he is already a man. I get what folks mean but it is not my world or my vocabulary. I would lighten up a little. For me I find this talk amusing and I join in the banter from time to time. I need a laugh and lots of them because what I am going through and what many others (like yourself) are going through is not funny and a little lightheartedness helps me make it through the day.


Alpha / Beta is easier to use than Dominant / Submissive


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> My thoughts have taken me down a similar road a few times. He cheated and now I am a better spouse. I also agree with this: "I don't think I would have been as serious about working on my marriage as I am now if (s)he wouldn't have cheated on me". It was a gigantic wake up call.


My thoughts are like yours.. EXCEPT... Well even thou I am making all the leap and bounds to become a better spouse, and to be honest I think I have made a big improvment, I am becoming a better person. BUT.. even thou we are working on our marriage, and he is working on some of his faults.. the one big fault of his is the affair all in its self.. And somtime I think, hmmm well maybe he is becoming a better person and maybe he made a huge mistake but this will forever be a huge gapping hole in our marriage, time that I cant get back, time that I was robbed of happiness.. So even thou I agree that without him cheating, NO I KNOW, that without the affair, we wouldnt have started trying so hard to better our marriage. But here the problem, I dont think it should had ever and I do mean ever had gotten so bad that the only way for us to become closer is for him to cheat... that made me loose alot of respect for him, and even thou I am proud and I do love him, the respect just isnt the same anymore. Its almost like I feel that yep this has made us work on us and our marriage and us as people in general.. But its like were working on better ourselves for somone else, like were going to be a great spouse for somone else... I know that sounds horriable but its true, I am learning from my mistakes I made, and so is he, but that huge mistake really made me loose alot of respect for him, even if I do love him can I ever really respect him again? I just got a feeling that I will always have a part of me that will not respect him as much as I did before,, but I can say this-- for as much hell, struggling and learning we have been thru.. I know for me I wont ever .hopefully. make the same mistakes I did before in my marriage hard way of learning a lesson I would say.. So in a sense its like we are grooming for future relationships.. I know that sounds bad but its how I feel. I not saying we wont get thru this and live happily ever after, I just saying that if not, well our future possible parteners will get them a good one, because I as well has he has learnt a hell of alot from this and I dont nor do I think he ever wants to repeat it..... Its like ya his got the wife he has always wanted...... in sense I guess I have gotten a little more from him to, but at what cost??? It just feels like the price was way to high for me to pay.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the BS can be better, but the WS will always be much less than they were.

Before cheating the WS was someone you knew you could trust with your heat. Afterwards, they are just another person who betrayed you willingly. You will never implicitly trust them again. You may rationalize over time that they haven't cheated again, but you will leas have theat doubt. You will never implicitly trust them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband left but he didn't cheat.

Had he cheated, we wouldn't be where we are now.

You don't have to cheat to be a good spouse. Holy crap. Horrible advice.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let me ask you---how do you deal with the FACT, that she spread her legs for another man---that she chose another man over you------

You may have been a terrible H., but the reward for that to you should have been her threats of/starting a D. action.

Also let me ask you-----do you have any self-respect/self-worth, left for yourself---telling us that her chosing to give herself to another man---made you a better man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jnj,
In my wierd world, as long as I got mine 1st it really didn't matter how many time my fWW spread her legs. In fact the more she spread them the more I didn't have to deal with her crap and was left alone. Back in the day many of OM tasted my junk, and had to listen to all her winey sniveling banter about getting pushed around by me. 

Back in the day I got mine and as unhealthy as that was, my wife (come to find out) got hers. Back in the day I though I found alot of self worth going to work, going to the bar, kick the wife, and pet the dog.



Anyway, as far as rewards go neither me or my wife diserve any. but with some help and finding good poeple that can teach us how to have healthy behaviors and me and the misses can be taught how to have a healthier life style, we desided to make this individual changes for our selves and stay with these different, healthier poeple we were married to for 20 years.

We are both different poeple in our 40ies then we were in our 30ies. We are better poeple, I no longer abuse my wife and my wife is no longer let OM "clean up after me" both emotional and phisicaly. 

My big point is I see OP point a view, and I'm sure he wasn't happy and I'm sure he had alot of pain like we all did, but some thing good came from it. More often then not no good can come from infidelity, but it some case some good can happen...thats all.

No leg spreading or threats of D or self respect issues....just a couple of unhealthy people getting better and making a choice to share the better selve with the person they screwed over for so many yrs.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

_"I'm actually now the husband she has always wanted according to her."_

i don't understand.... she cheated, and you'r the one who changed for the better?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMHO I see infidelity as a by product of a unhealthy marriage. Sure perfect marriage can also have infidelity, but for the most part the spouse is looking for validation from someone other then there spouse. 
A betrayed spouse can make the changes with in them selfs to have a healthier relationship with or with out the wayward spouse. It will always be up to the wayward to come along or not.

Hopefully there is something learned that will make the next relationship better, but there is no for sure bet that there will be another case of infideltiy.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

How can his marriage can be said as a better one when there is no trust on other spouse, when unconditional love replaced with conditional love, when there is no respect. When there is lot of pain, hurt and loads of negative emotions involved. Can we call it a better marriage?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Different strokes for different folks.

When I decided to give R a go, I made it clear that am not going with any self-improvement crap while on it. I am deeply offended by what has happened, and asking me to "work on myself" would be adding an insult to injury.

I wasn't that terrible husband before her A anyway, and look how it worked for me. So why bother?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Oaks - when I found this site there was Alpha, Beta talk. Other then the 7 years of Greek I had to take in college and Grad school it does little for me. To me it is like saying "man up" just another non-sense expression. How can a man "man up" he** he is already a man. I get what folks mean but it is not my world or my vocabulary. I would lighten up a little. For me I find this talk amusing and I join in the banter from time to time. I need a laugh and lots of them because what I am going through and what many others (like yourself) are going through is not funny and a little lightheartedness helps me make it through the day.


I often see these terms used by men to indicate that another male is not as manly as they are. The Alpha wolf is the pack leader and the betas are subservient to him. I don't share your amusement about the use of these terms, and courage is not gender specific so I am not fond of the term"Man up" either. It is not beta to do the hard work of repairing a M. Your are correct about the difficulty of this situation, and I am coping with this , in part because my H thought that having a mistress was the manly or Alpha thing to do. He compared himself to Tony Soprano in that Soprano had a mistress and he was a real man. I suppose some day I will lighten up, but not today.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I guess I misunderstood the op. I didn't think he meant the title of his thread to be seriously taken as advice. I thought he was lamenting the irony of a marriage becoming stronger and the people in it becoming better after something so painful. And, no matter what some think, it does happen. Why all the harsh judgement against those who experience it? Some of the things being said to the op are cruel and unnecessary, when I thought he came here to vent and maybe find some support. 

Whether you divorce or reconcile, infidelity is one of the worst things you can experience. I don't understand why people who supposedly have been through it, themselves, seem to enjoy pouring salt in the wounds of those who choose the latter. They are BS', just like you and though the circumstances leading up to it and the aftermath may vary, there is still a lot of hurt to be dealt with. It's gotten to the point that when I see someone post something positive about the marriage post DDay, I want to tell them not to post that here. You will just be brought down, not supported or encouraged.

This place is supposed to be for people coping with infidelity. Whether you divorce or reconcile, you still have to f$&king cope with it. Once, I saw someone post on here that people who reconcile should only post about it reconciliation stories. Well, according to that line of thinking, those who divorce should be posting in life after divorce, only. I don't understand why we can't stop being so mean to fellow BS' and have compassion for each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm glad the OP has a better marriage now. I would caution him not to get complacent. Thats what happened in my case. My wife cheated three years into the marriage, and instead of divorcing like I should have, I chose to take her back. 

She did the heavy lifting, endured three yers of mood swings, anger and vitriol from me, but with some good MC we eventually got back on track. 

I never felt I was a bad husband to her before or after that happened... I really don't. I treated her like a queen, did my share of the housework, made sure we stayed financially stable, la, da-da, da-da.... 

Yet fifteen or so years down the road all those skills we fought so hard to learn evaporated, and we went back to a comfortable autopilot. I wasn't staying alert or noticing signs, but after a trip she took last October to a business conference, I should have noticed something was wrong and getting wronger.

Well, even after I found out about the EA in late January and confronted her, kicked her out again, she still went to be with her AP. Now I'm here, and we're headed down the divorce trail after 21 years together.

I'm not comparing the OP's wife to mine. She seems like she was starved for attention and love, and had her affair out of desperation. Does that make her more worthy of a second chance than my wife? Maybe. My wife cheated the first time due to immaturity and lack of morals; the second time I believe her motives were feuled by a desire to climb socially and win a rich husband. 

I think all cases are different and have to be treated differently. I don't know the specifics of the OP's story, but the only advice I can give him is not to get too comfortable at any time in the future. I feel sad for his future. 

That's the ultimate damage done to us BSs that our waywards don't seem to grasp. Even if reconcilliation does happen, they have damned us to a future spent constantly being on the alert and looking over our shoulders for trouble. We're no longer spouses.... we're forward scouts on a battlefield looking for signs of the enemy, never able to fully relax or let down our guard; and if we do? Well, learn from my story.

I haven't made up my mind yet if I believe or support reconcilliation.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

[ 


I get what the OP is saying. No one wants this to happen. Most of us get blindsided. But one of the FEW good things in the midst of many bad things that can come from an affair..if there is reconciliation is you might end up with a better marriage than you had before. It happened to us. And going through all this crap made us who we are today. Wish it could of happened another way...but it didn't, and we made it despite. And it's WAY better today. 



_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would hope that the WW would also change to be the best wife ever If not then he is only setting himself up eventually he will grow tired of a one-sided relationship and stop doing the things he is currently doing and then she is at it again.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

snap said:


> Different strokes for different folks.
> 
> When I decided to give R a go, I made it clear that am not going with any self-improvement crap while on it. I am deeply offended by what has happened, and asking me to "work on myself" would be adding an insult to injury.
> 
> I wasn't that terrible husband before her A anyway, and look how it worked for me. So why bother?


Same way for me. No self-improvement crap for me either. I was not the problem.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know in my case that I was not the best wife..I was unaffectionate and I lost interest in sex. Put zero effort into anything...got very complacent. Not that it was 100% my fault however this for me was also a huge wake up call. I do not know if anything else would have opened my eyes to what I needed to work on. I think in a marriage it is so easy to become complacent and not put any effort in.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2 months out and problem solved. She got to spread her legs for another man and you get to be the one to fix the marriage. No consequences for her equals no incentive to change. So what happens when she gets OM#w? Work on yourself more? Provide the condoms? Pay for the hotel?

Rugsweeping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

> If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them


This is by far one of the stupidest things I have ever read


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