# One year for every four years???



## indiecat

The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating. 

That will work out to about 8 years for me. 

It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.

Does this seem correct?


----------



## familyfirst09

I was told 3 months for every year...but its not necessarily to be alone, but that is how long it takes you to heal from divorce.

I think everyone heals at difference rates, hell I am as stubborn as they come so for me it will definitely take longer than someone who is more accepting. Also depends on how the relationship ends as well.

We are all unique, even in our healing process. I don't think you can point a precise number like "8 years" on it. You will know when you know.


----------



## Fenix

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


Nope. What does stay alone mean? 


eta: UH...Familyfirst, 3 months for every year = 1 year for every 4 years. 

For me, it would work out to 6 years. That is about 2 years too long. I have also read that on average it is the third relationship after a divorce that is the keeper.


----------



## familyfirst09

LOL!! I didnt even realize the math, haha!!

My marriage ended after 15 years...its been about a year and a half....so I guess I have about 2 and a half years to go...and for me and my healing process...that sounds about right....

Define "relationship"....


----------



## stillhoping

Indie, that would be about 7 for me, that seems crazy, I will be 61 by then! I think the time frame must change as you get older. We don't want the same things from a relationship any more.


----------



## Married but Happy

That rule of thumb sounds like complete nonsense. The time will vary by person and circumstances. Mine were such that a day per year was more than enough for me. It also depends on who leaves, and why, of course. My marriage was long over before I left, so I was very ready to move on ASAP.

I had also done a lot of reflection and research on my failed marriage in its final years, so knew what I wanted, knew what I needed to do differently, and was ready to implement my ideas - and did.


----------



## Hoosier

Rules of thumb are rules of thumb, not completely nonsense, just kind of a guide. All the numbers I have read relate to how long it takes to really heal, in relation to experiencing infidelity. I know for me, having been married for 30 years, now divorced for 2.5 years ,the difference between 1.5 and 2.5 years is HUGH. I think the thing to remember is that after the end of a relationship it takes time to heal, and depending on the circumstances it may be a while, but it will get better.


----------



## Jellybeans

There is no formula or timeline that fits all. Getting over a divorce can't be quantified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog

Or else what? You turn into a pumpkin?


----------



## Holland

I do think that some time should be taken post separation to grieve, grow and learn. IMHO it is vital to your future emotional health to recognise what part YOU had to play in the marriage ending. Take some time out to deal with the fallout and take responsibility for your own actions.

Whatever that time frame might be is an individual thing. For me it was 12 months and then I was ready to date again.


----------



## lenzi

indiecat said:


> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


There are no guarantees.

Just because a person takes time off between relationships doesn't mean they're healed and immune from entering a "flawed relationship". 

All relationships are flawed, it's only a matter of degree. A person could take time off for the rest of their lives and still never properly deal with the issues related to the failed marriage.

I was married for 16 years and was dating before I moved out of the house. I freely admit I haven't dealt with much of anything.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


Sounds like a load of bull to me! I would say that a person in a serious long-term relationship (of ANY length) should anticipate being out of the serious dating pool for a minimum of 9-12 months. During this time, the person should be *actively involved* in IC and/or reading self-help books and working on improving his/her dysfunctional traits.

After the one-year mark, I think a person should have a very good handle on how much actual progress s/he has made in fixing him/herself. I also believe that with the correct attitude and a concerted effort to improve, *a person will know when s/he's ready to head back out to the serious dating pool* and when s/he will feel confident of making healthier relationship choices.

Best wishes, indiecat!


----------



## Runs like Dog

90% of advice is selling you something.


----------



## indiecat

I'm am in IC, and attend the local abused women's group for sessions as well.


----------



## whitehawk

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


So what you were 32yrs indie , wow long time isn't it. l don't think l could leave someone after that long.


----------



## whitehawk

Fenix said:


> Nope. What does stay alone mean?
> 
> 
> eta: UH...Familyfirst, 3 months for every year = 1 year for every 4 years.
> 
> For me, it would work out to 6 years. That is about 2 years too long. I have also read that on average it is the third relationship after a divorce that is the keeper.



The third after the divorce , wow l wondered if there was some average on that.
My god l got 2 to go , don't think l can stand it 
So what about the leaver and the thing they often jump into "straight away" , out of who knows how longer marriages .
Anyone know any worked out numbers or not on those ?

My ex waited 2wks but it looks like we need 4 or 5 yrs , wonder how she's gonna shape up ? lt's been pretty damn surprising hearing through different people how many of them went on to get married and still together 10 and 20yrs later , depressing too .

And just lately l'm feeling like a loser because it's been 14mths yet sometimes l'm still really bad , like since V- day right now.

What sort of shape has everyone else been in after 14mths ?

Mind you too , 50% of that is just the agony in missing my life with my daughter . l know l'd still be in bad shape but that part's quadrupedal it.


----------



## whitehawk

stillhoping said:


> Indie, that would be about 7 for me, that seems crazy, I will be 61 by then! I think the time frame must change as you get older. We don't want the same things from a relationship any more.



Yeah that's what l think too , it's only natural. That's why it just gob smacks me every time l read the literally list of things people in their 40ss and 50s are supposedly expecting or insisting on for their next dream relationship that they seem to be ordering as if they are still 20 and will be going out shopping for it. lt amazes me especially the women . Yet just check the zillions of long termers on date sites.
l mean ask any people married 30 or 40 yrs if their life has been all the roses everyone seems to be thinking they'll be living after all this , that's the real reality don't you think.


----------



## whitehawk

lenzi said:


> There are no guarantees.
> 
> Just because a person takes time off between relationships doesn't mean they're healed and immune from entering a "flawed relationship".
> 
> All relationships are flawed, it's only a matter of degree. A person could take time off for the rest of their lives and still never properly deal with the issues related to the failed marriage.
> 
> I was married for 16 years and was dating before I moved out of the house. I freely admit I haven't dealt with much of anything.



So were you separated for a long time in the house before you moved out ?

And so what do you think now of dating so soon looking back. Do you think it helped , made it worse , what do ya reckon ?


----------



## lenzi

whitehawk said:


> So were you separated for a long time in the house before you moved out ?
> 
> And so what do you think now of dating so soon looking back. Do you think it helped , made it worse , what do ya reckon ?


We were "in house" separated only a few months before I started dating. 

I don't know that dating so soon made any difference in the long run. Whether I would have dealt with the issues more effectively if I was alone is a question I don't have the answer to. All I can say is that I like having a woman in my life, and I've met some great women in my post divorce years especially the one I'm with now.


----------



## TooNice

Yikes. We are taking things slowly and plan to ease into anything final, so it will likely be nearly a year before I'd be starting over. Given that and the math of a 20 year marriage, this is a fairly depressing little piece of information!


----------



## indiecat

As I've said, his 3 year PA killed for me. I tried for 3 years to 'get over it' as he told me I should.

And I was called a bad Christian if I dared bring it up.


----------



## whitehawk

Bothtoonice said:


> Yikes. We are taking things slowly and plan to ease into anything final, so it will likely be nearly a year before I'd be starting over. Given that and the math of a 20 year marriage, this is a fairly depressing little piece of information!



l mean you read and they say that many different things.
But l'd take this as it mentally being that long , not as we need that long before we live again or go into new things.

l imagine l will never forget my marriage and the bits and pieces to it .


----------



## Ceegee

Hoosier said:


> Rules of thumb are rules of thumb, not completely nonsense, just kind of a guide. All the numbers I have read relate to how long it takes to really heal, in relation to experiencing infidelity. I know for me, having been married for 30 years, now divorced for 2.5 years ,the difference between 1.5 and 2.5 years is *HUGH*. I think the thing to remember is that after the end of a relationship it takes time to heal, and depending on the circumstances it may be a while, but it will get better.


Jackman, Hefner, Laurie or Grant? 

It's a good rule of thumb. 

The rate at which you become "ready" is proportional to the amount of work you put in.

I actually "hooked up" with a woman in my DC group. Huge (Hugh) mistake. Realized it was immediately and ended it real quick.

Except for that one encounter, I did not date for about a year after separation. 

Then, while at a party, I met the sweetest, funniest, kindest woman. We were both a little shaky in the beginning. She had some codependent issues and I was hyper vigilant in trying to enforce boundaries and looking for red flags. Once we both calmed down and settled in things just began to come natural.

This was 7 months ago. We haven't been able to keep our hands off each other sense.

I still read lots of books, go to IC and TAM. Will continue to work on myself and encourage GF to do same. I don't ever want to become complacent or too comfortable again.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ceegee said:


> Jackman, Hefner, Laurie or Grant?


Laurie, Grant, Jackman.

Thank you. 

(Hugh Laurie is so sexy, IMO).


----------



## happy as a clam

Married but Happy said:


> That rule of thumb sounds like complete nonsense...My marriage was long over before I left, so I was very ready to move on ASAP.


:iagree:


----------



## Ceegee

Jellybeans said:


> Laurie, Grant, Jackman.
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> (Hugh Laurie is so sexy, IMO).


Hugh Laurie was in "Hop". 

"Hop" was about the Easter Bunny that pooped Jelly Beans.

So, you have that going for you.


----------



## Jellybeans

Eh, that's not really my style but he is in this commercial that I see lately and my goodness, he is FINE.

I googled and he's 54. My grandpa phase is totally legit. Apparently, I have a thing for the older men lately. Heehee.


----------



## brokenbythis

1 year for every 4 yrs? 

Well my ex didn't read that part. He replaced me 10 wks after I kicked him out, with a "girl" 14 yrs my junior. Then when that didn't work out there's been a few women here and there. 

He wants to find "happiness" and "feel loved".

I'm a year and a half out and I don't even want to think about dating. I have a ways to go before I'm ready.


----------



## Rowan

A year for every 4 years? Is that of the marriage or of the relationship as a whole? 

Either way, that means I shouldn't start looking for a new serious relationship for another 4 to 5.5 years. That seems like a really long time. My ex-husband started his LTA in 2008, I confronted in 2010, and we spent 3 years in False R. After the 5 years I've just had, the thought of needing to wait another 5 to even start looking for someone who might actually be capable of loving me seems........very daunting.

I'm not quite ready to start dating yet, and I have no expectation that Mr. Right is going to magically drop from the sky anytime soon. But to close myself off to even the possibility of finding someone new for another half a decade just doesn't make sense to me.


----------



## 06Daddio08

In the government required course I took 2 years ago, we were told for every year married you should be single for 3 months.

As far as I'm concerned, that's simply a rule tossed out there so people don't go running into a new relationship right away. Especially when children are involved and they can't tell their head from their ass.


----------



## indiecat

The government required you to take a course? About divorce? Boy Big Brother is really getting involved? lol


----------



## Betrayedone

Married but Happy said:


> That rule of thumb sounds like complete nonsense. The time will vary by person and circumstances. Mine were such that a day per year was more than enough for me. It also depends on who leaves, and why, of course. My marriage was long over before I left, so I was very ready to move on ASAP.
> 
> I had also done a lot of reflection and research on my failed marriage in its final years, so knew what I wanted, knew what I needed to do differently, and was ready to implement my ideas - and did.


My theory exactly........I know exactly what I DON'T want as a result of my marriage. What I DO want is actually quite flexible and can be anything within a wide range of personalities and behaviors......I'm pretty easy to get along with, actually.....I want to be with a quality, loving mate but I'm too old to wait 1 year for every four! No need for that. I have done a LOT of self introspection and counseling for a long time now (been separated for 19 months now) and will continue to do so for quite some time. I FEEL that healing can actually be accelerated by being in a new, healthy relationship as it gives the person being healed someone to bounce things off of and helping the new person to understand who you are, how you got that way, the progress you have made, and the direction you want to continue to pursue.......Do NOT dwell on this or display constant bitterness with your new person however. If you find yourself doing this frequently I would say you are not ready to move on. Ask yourself, "If I were the new person would I like to be around me."


----------



## 06Daddio08

*Re: Re: One year for every four years???*



indiecat said:


> The government required you to take a course? About divorce? Boy Big Brother is really getting involved? lol


When you have children yes.


----------



## IronWine29

indiecat said:


> As I've said, his 3 year PA killed for me. I tried for 3 years to 'get over it' as he told me I should.
> 
> And I was called a bad Christian if I dared bring it up.


That is rich -- he was being the good Christian?


----------



## southbound

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


I'm not sure about an exact timeline, but i certainly don't understand people who jump back into a relationship before the pillow even gets cold. I'm certainly in no hurry.


----------



## Jellybeans

indiecat said:


> The government required you to take a course? About divorce? Boy Big Brother is really getting involved? lol


Big Brother is the entire point of the institution of marriage. Legalities, contracts, laws, all that jazz.

And they say romance is dead...


----------



## indiecat

What did they used to say... 'The cure for romance is marriage'.


----------



## ne9907

I personally know I must heal in order to pursue any kind of relationship. However, I know a dear good friend of mine who got divorced. Before her divorce was finalized, she met someone, they got engaged and married a month after the divorce was final. 
Her divorce took about two years to get finalized.
She is very happy in her new life. I am skeptical, but continue to support her and pray for her happiness.


----------



## Hardtohandle

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?



I hope not because I have failed this test by 4 years 8 months for my 19 year relationship ( 14 years married ).

I waited 4 months.. Can you imagine 8 years ? Even if it was 3 months for each year... 


Get out there and break some hearts..


----------



## indiecat

Thanks HardtoHandle!!! lol

My theory for me is just don't move in with anyone or marry!


----------



## Jellybeans

indiecat said:


> What did they used to say... 'The cure for romance is marriage'.


:rofl:


----------



## Wolf1974

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


Is that to mean no relationship? Or no dating and companionship?
According to that math I would have needed to be alone for 2 .5 years. Sorry no way I could have not dated and been with women for that long. Now not being in a serious committed relationship, yeah I can more see that. It took me years to be healthy enough to trust and give to someone like that

I'm there now but it's been three years


----------



## whitehawk

ne9907 said:


> I personally know I must heal in order to pursue any kind of relationship. However, I know a dear good friend of mine who got divorced. Before her divorce was finalized, she met someone, they got engaged and married a month after the divorce was final.
> Her divorce took about two years to get finalized.
> She is very happy in her new life. I am skeptical, but continue to support her and pray for her happiness.



Not that l'm thinking or hoping she won't be happy but l do always think- just check back with them in 20 years time first . No one knows what they've got till they get to the other end .


----------



## LBHmidwest

indiecat said:


> The DivorceCare group and several other sources I have been researching are saying that a person must stay alone for 1 year for every 4 years they were married after separating.
> 
> That will work out to about 8 years for me.
> 
> It is said this allows healing and ensures that a person won't jump into another flawed relationship.
> 
> Does this seem correct?


They must be using old info, that isn't in the new stuff


----------



## indiecat

What is the new stuff?


----------



## poppyseed

southbound said:


> I'm not sure about an exact timeline, but i certainly don't understand people who jump back into a relationship before the pillow even gets cold. I'm certainly in no hurry.


I agree with you. I have no desire to have another relationship/ let alone marriage. My ex was always extremely social and couldn't get enough people - I reckon he had fear for becoming all alone. They do say, men do dislike being on their own without any female touch and are likely to jump into a new relationship for companionship, joint income, sharing activities etc etc...People are becoming more and more serial monogamous (up to 5 years max - enjoy the most and dump it when it gets tiresome) rather than staying married / getting old together business in my view.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

I would like another relationship, but I have no idea how to trust the initial "fronts" provided in terms of interest in me, empathy, honesty, integrity, when so many put those out there only to find in time, that none of these traits exist in the person, and it was all a show. Disheartening to say the least.

--and when years go by, its a deeper cut.


----------



## poppyseed

Shooboomafoo said:


> I would like another relationship, but I have no idea how to trust the initial "fronts" provided in terms of interest in me, empathy, honesty, integrity, when so many put those out there only to find in time, that none of these traits exist in the person, and it was all a show. Disheartening to say the least.
> 
> --and when years go by, its a deeper cut.


I agree with you too.

:iagree:


----------



## Jellybeans

Shooboomafoo said:


> I would like another relationship, but I have no idea how to trust the initial "fronts" provided in terms of interest in me, empathy, honesty, integrity, when so many put those out there only to find in time, that none of these traits exist in the person, and it was all a show. Disheartening to say the least.
> 
> --and when years go by, its a deeper cut.


You won't be ready until you are ready. 

I didn't think I could have feelings in my cold black heart for a long time post-D and ten I met someone and I was like, Oh, hello, feelings. Leap of faith. It didn't lead to anything significant but it reminded me that the old, cold black heart I have can occasionally melt. It's a good feeling. You will get there in time, probably when you least expect it. Love is a leap of faith.


----------



## Wolf1974

If you have any feelings of doubt it's best not to date. Once you can compartmentalize and put away your past relationship, took me a few months to do so, then you're ready.

Dating doesn't always have to lead to anything either. Their is a big difference between dating with the intention of finding a relationship and going out just to have a good time. Neither is right or wrong but please be honest with them about what you're looking for. Because if you lie to get something then dump them other people now have to deal with the mistrust you have caused. Most people I have met don't get upset so long as they get the truth upfront


----------



## Jellybeans

Wolf1974 said:


> If you have any feelings of doubt it's best not to date.
> 
> Most people I have met don't get upset so long as they get the truth upfront


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## poppyseed

Wolf1974 said:


> Dating doesn't always have to lead to anything either. Their is a big difference between dating with the intention of finding a relationship and going out just to have a good time.


Oddly enough, I still have a high level of friendship with my ex. It's just that living with him / marriage with him never worked. 

I'm sure the dating scene is full of "no relationship please". I do get to hear women are less likely to look for any relationship from dating after a number of years care taking out of love only to be slapped in the face.


----------



## Jellybeans

poppyseed said:


> Oddly enough, I still have a high level of friendship with my ex.


I am kind of the same way. I wonder how common that is...




poppyseed said:


> I'm sure the dating scene is full of "no relationship please". I do get to hear women are less likely to look for any relationship from dating after a number of years care taking out of love only to be slapped in the face


I think it varies by the individual, not gender. Some folks are quick to get into a relationship post-divorce (or even before the divorce), some wait a few months, some wait years. I was not at all interested in dating anyone soon after my divorce and even for awhile post-divorce. The last thing I wanted was to be involved with someone in a relationship. By the same token, one of my male friends divorced and remarried another woman in just about 9 months to a year after his divorce. It's really interesting how very different everyone operates.


----------



## poppyseed

Jellybeans said:


> I am kind of the same way. I wonder how common that is...
> 
> 
> I think it varies by the individual, not gender. Some folks are quick to get into a relationship post-divorce (or even before the divorce), some wait a few months, some wait years. I was not at all interested in dating anyone soon after my divorce and even for awhile post-divorce. The last thing I wanted was to be involved with someone in a relationship. By the same token, one of my male friends divorced and remarried another woman in just about 9 months to a year after his divorce. It's really interesting how very different everyone operates.


Hi Jellybeans

Yes, so I understand that you are also amicable with your ex. How common this is, I honestly don't know. I should think it's not uncommon amongst "level-headed" individuals who see different perspectives and viewpoints by not having a fixed way of dealing with things. Also, the positive feelings may be reflective as to how happy you are with the financial settlement and other affairs. Perhaps, people who had a clean break are happier post-divorce? 

There is no denying that your ex had seen you all and everything over so many years and we probably developed far more understanding and awareness about each other. I also have a huge respect for my ex who is a great achiever who works hard at what he does. I also love his weaknesses as a human being. Nobody in life is flawless. I had so many flaws and he had his but we did our best though we lost. The difference is we loved and lost. This meant something. 

I wouldn't expect to "keep" this "friendship" forever and I'm sure things will change over time (nothing in life stays the same) but I'm finding this to be far less traumatic. To some people (you mention someone who remarried less than 12 months after his divorce). I think that is very common. I doubt if any men who are over 42 would want to be living with their Mother. They would want a joint income, weekend activities as a couple, mortgage, cats, a nice house to live together "happily" ever after. On the other hand, women stayed single if she had a responsible work, more traditionally. But maybe, there are more men who choose to maintain his freedom and his own space and shy away from a new set of commitments, relationship obligations, sacrifices, compromises etc etc. Certainly, I wouldn't blame him.


----------



## indiecat

Some people just love being alone and at peace. Some see it as isolation.


----------



## poppyseed

indiecat said:


> Some people just love being alone and at peace. Some see it as isolation.


I take it you're a sensible one. I don't think nobody likes being alone all the time. We are all socially orientated and we enjoy different people in our life but I'd like to come home and not having to deal with relationship stuff and stresses (when things aren't working) for the time being. One year for every four years sounds about right. 

I feel less closed up without the unhappy marriage I used to be in: it felt like my arteries were clogged up to a point it was killing me. I value relationships (not romantic ones) which are open to me at this stage. It's helping my self-esteem as well.

I know what to avoid next time around for sure. I dearly love my ex but I'm so glad that I wouldn't need to be in the relationship anymore. It's someone else's "problem" now. I can look forward to the future.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

I been alone 5 years now. I can't even remember the first 2-3 years I was numb. If I went out on a date with anyone I was there but not my mind or heart. Through everyone healing time is different. 

It's ok to be single and wait. I refuse to settle so i wait. I do not want to make the same mistakes as I move forward and I don't want some guy to pay for my past hurts. I'm taking my time enjoying my life. If I meet someone of quality great...if I don't I KNOW I AM A BETTER PERSON for what went through.


----------



## indiecat

hereinthemidwest are you dating casually?


----------



## KittyKat

Guess I'm looking at 3 yrs. What would have been our 12 year anniversary is this week.
Haven't spoken to each other since Oct. '13 .
She's already moved on and in another relationship for about 7 months now.
No grieving for her.
Meanwhile I sit, wondering why she stopped going to counseling, why she stopped talking to me period. The separation for her to work on herself & her issues (the counselor asked that I come to a session, I did) led her right into another relationship and no contact with me.
I'm trying not to be bitter. Not to hate her.
I want to leave. I want to sell my house and get out of this state.

My head agreed with most on this forum to leave long ago. But the heart won out. And now that same heart barely beats,


----------



## poppyseed

Another thing is that whilst I was married, I don't think I really made use of my precious time too well. A lot of time simply disappeared doing things for "Him". I'm enjoying every minute doing things for ME. Time to catch up with my lost time behind the institution of marriage. Nothing crazy..just enjoying being "here" and now in such a great season to enjoy..even doing ordinary things like choosing what to wear, looking for shoes which really flatter, I'm far more fully "engaged" these days and enjoying the world around me without feeling too selfish or self-centred. 

I also developed low self-esteem as well whilst I was married. I always felt I ought to put HIM first and do things for him to show how much I cared about him (ex) . I wasn't really living to please me and doing things to make me happy after a while. 

It's great to cut off all the emotional baggage and fly high again (plan for the future, working hard to achieve things etc !


----------



## EnjoliWoman

It is great to focus on doing nice things for someone else. But only as long as it's reciprocated. I did the same thing and then did the knee-jerk where I did everything for me and mine(kiddo). Now I have a nice balance and think I'm ready for something long term.


----------



## poppyseed

EnjoliWoman said:


> It is great to focus on doing nice things for someone else. But only as long as it's reciprocated. I did the same thing and then did the knee-jerk where I did everything for me and mine(kiddo). Now I have a nice balance and think I'm ready for something long term.


Hi EnjoliWoman

Thank you for your good thoughts. I'm really glad for you that you are ready. I admire your courage and willingness to try again. 

Take care xxx


----------



## Satya

I was married for 8 years, intentionally held off dating for over 2 years so I could heal. I had given all my energy to a very needy, exhausting man and ignored all of my own needs. It was like recharging the batteries and reclaiming some love back for myself, being alone.


----------



## indiecat

Great news Satya, are you dating now?


----------



## Satya

Yes! I gave it a go, eventually dated a sweet man for about 8 months. Sadly our wants weren't the same, even though we were very close. We also struggled with work schedules keeping us apart, so we had challenges bonding. 

His overall actions told me he wasn't ready to let another person into his life, so I let him go. It was a good learning experience for me and I'll miss him.


----------

