# Manning up and affair recovery



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I pretty much fall into the nice guy category. So it looks like my W and I are working on recovery/reconciliation after her EA/PA. Where to start and how best to use the manning up without going overboard?
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

for me I just made it a point to be positive and up beat. Every time she called or came home from work I was happy, Istayed away from the negitive, I made it a point no matter what that I was happy to see her.
Basicly I want her to be happy thats she with me and only me.
In my case and the past history I've had in my marraige its hard for me to go over board, its just a little different for me and mine.

I think as long as you dont get into a begging sitch. were your not spothering her or I quess if you are happy with what you are doing and dont feel walked on, I think its all good. 
If your not getting your needs met and only meeting her needs then I might see that as going over board, IDK
So start with just showing her a positve up beat attidude when she walks in the room or calls.
I hope that helped?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with the guy: don't tell her how important she is to you-SHOW HER.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I have always tended to be negative so I am working that. But have pretty much been a yes man to just because most stuff really was a non issue for me funny her A really kicked up when I stood my ground on some issues that now she keeps having to deal with that issue because I am done with it. 
So I guess I don't want to fall back into the yes man role I am already stating things that don't work anymore but how do you balance this whole change. My IC and I were discussing wether or not she actually wants to be told what to do. She can't answer a question to save her life rt now.
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Maybe somone can shed some more light. After reading on Alpha Beta I am definitly most Beta, need to be Gamma. Just by default of this situation I have been adding Alpha. 
Now I am not even looking at this from a sex standpoint yet. I am looking at saving the marriage and improved marriage with all that recovery mess mixed in there.
After a couple situations discussed with my IC we are almost wondering if she just wants me to take control. Of course that is a guessing game because unless it is about everyday life she is not talking about it.
So I guess my question is can being more Alpha when you have always been a beta type be helpful in Affair recovery. I of course do not mean going overboard.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She here's what I don't understand. Essentially every married I know casually or through my own wife has cheated on her husband. It's damn near 100%. And they are still married. But if you ask them what they'd do if they ever found out their husbands cheated, they will, to a woman, be out the door in a supersonic boom. It seems that all this recovery smacks of desperation that's almost completely one-sided. In fact, in almost all those cases, albeit anecdotal only, all these wives, would bolt of their husbands even pushed them very hard on their infidelities, claiming that that's part of a cycle of behavior that drove them to other men in the first place. In effect, it's his fault and he needs to sit down and shut up.

I don't get it. If it were me, I'd rather have half my stuff than all of her.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

In my case my kids play a huge factor. I am truly starting to believe that women confess more out of guilt. Because I know many a man that will goto their grave with their affairs. And are wise enough to be stupid far from home. So maybe that's why more men forgive maybe they are keeping secrets?????? Heck I almost think I could have survived not knowing about the affair if things end up all fixed. I also think guys go out and have revenge affairs and don't speak of it because I know a few who have done that. Is any of it right .................no.
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