# PTSD and affairs.



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Can an affair mess with your head and heath so bad it can


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

From what I've read here, YES an affair can cause a type of PTSD for the betrayed spouse. IF you think you are experiencing this, talk with your counselor.


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## Oakellen (Apr 1, 2021)

I’m certain any emotional trauma can cause PTSD or PTSD-like symptoms. In your case, having read your whole thread, I think you’re struggling so much right now because you went through an infidelity revelation ten years ago and it completely shook the foundation of your life. You battled through it for years and believed you had made it to the other side, only to find out that there were still secrets being kept from you. That would mess anyone up.

As much as you can, be gentle with yourself. Don’t white-knuckle this. Can you find a counselor of your own to talk to? I think you need one who works with just you. You need someone whose focus is on helping you move past this, no matter what that looks like. A marriage counselor, or a counselor who works with both of you, could very well focus on what’s best for the marriage, and not what’s best for you as an individual.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

An affair can cause so much pain. Whether that is PTSD I don't know because people are claiming to have that for all sorts of things now. I always thought that was more due to the absolute worse things, such as going though war etc.
Either way you don't need to have a label, you know that being betrayed is horrible. It hurts.


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

Based on DSM-5 diagnostic criteria (which is used by Psychiatrists), it won't be PTSD because one of the criteria for PTSD is exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence either through direct experience or witnessing. This excluded most types of infidelities.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

calvin said:


> Can an affair mess with your head and heath so bad it can


Yes they can and the more you love someone the harder it is to get over what they did to you It took me nearly 20 years to forgive but honestly I still cringe sometimes when I think back to the fool I was.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I've been diagnosed with PTSD due to several incidents. I have to admit having been cheated on definitely had more of an impact on me. The biggest difference for me is the impa t it has on future relationships and the struggles of dealing with triggers. With PTSD I'm still effected with certain situations, however unlike being in a relationship those situations are only periodic and short lived.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes.


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> Yes.


Yes fine for the cheater not for the one cheated on.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@calvin and @CantSitStill 

I believe article will be very helpful: How Infidelity Causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Davit Bek said:


> exposure to actual or threatened death.


I think loss of your family, 1/2 your wealth, your childrens well being, your job performance, your own health/self-esteem, many others not mentioned, constitutes multiple deaths which sometimes don't stop coming.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> I think loss of your family, 1/2 your wealth, your childrens well being, your job performance, your own health/self-esteem, many others not mentioned, constitutes multiple deaths which sometimes don't stop coming.


It's still not comparable to loosing a child for example. Or seeing a friend blown up. Or surviving a prison camp. Or seeing your family killed. Or facing years of serious childhood abuse.
Its all comparative I guess.

I have faced more than one severely traumatising situation in my adult life. 

Both were dreadful and took years and years to get through, but PTSD never entered my head. 

Now people seem to have it for a very wide range of reasons, some really not that serious.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

What matters is how your brain processes a trauma, not how severe someone else thinks the trauma is. 2 people can be in the same situation and one will move on with few symptoms and the other will suffer ongoing intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance and emotional disregulation - classic PTSD symptoms.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I am a very very sound, logical, reasonable man

my ex-wife and how she did me .... I don't call it PTSD because I use that term for our veterans ..... but it was highly traumatic and I lost my mind for a few weeks

I did - my mind couldn't comprehend what was happening, I had THAT much trust and faith in my wife (ex)

its been 3 years come May ... I still think about it all almost every day. it impacts my current relationship, how I view relationships and women in general

that's what adultery does


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Arkansas said:


> I am a very very sound, logical, reasonable man
> 
> my ex-wife and how she did me .... I don't call it PTSD because I use that term for our veterans ..... but it was highly traumatic and I lost my mind for a few weeks
> 
> ...


Yes. I think that sounds par for the course with adultery. That's why it's such a horrible thing to do.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Oakellen said:


> I’m certain any emotional trauma can cause PTSD or PTSD-like symptoms. In your case, having read your whole thread, I think you’re struggling so much right now because you went through an infidelity revelation ten years ago and it completely shook the foundation of your life. You battled through it for years and believed you had made it to the other side, only to find out that there were still secrets being kept from you. That would mess anyone up.
> 
> As much as you can, be gentle with yourself. Don’t white-knuckle this. Can you find a counselor of your own to talk to? I think you need one who works with just you. You need someone whose focus is on helping you move past this, no matter what that looks like. A marriage counselor, or a counselor who works with both of you, could very well focus on what’s best for the marriage, and not what’s best for you as an individual.


 My wife said she found a trama councelor...what ever that is.
It looks like we will meet together with her and separate as well.
It sucks but we are trying to push through this and understand it.
I thought PTSD was something soldiers,Police,Firefighter and the like went through. 
Now I'm not so sure it's just them.
I will bring it up.
Thank you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> An affair can cause so much pain. Whether that is PTSD I don't know because people are claiming to have that for all sorts of things now. I always thought that was more due to the absolute worse things, such as going though war etc.
> Either way you don't need to have a label, you know that being betrayed is horrible. It hurts.


Yrah,exatly,it just hurts.
Bad.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> @calvin and @CantSitStill
> 
> I believe article will be very helpful: How Infidelity Causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


 Thanks Ac


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> An affair can cause so much pain. Whether that is PTSD I don't know because people are claiming to have that for all sorts of things now. I always thought that was more due to the absolute worse things, such as going though war etc.
> Either way you don't need to have a label, you know that being betrayed is horrible. It hurts.


Yeah it does. 
Bad.
Our story is different though.
Not your run of the mill affair.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> An affair can cause so much pain. Whether that is PTSD I don't know because people are claiming to have that for all sorts of things now. I always thought that was more due to the absolute worse things, such as going though war etc.
> Either way you don't need to have a label, you know that being betrayed is horrible. It hurts.


That's what I was thinking.
There are way more worse things than an affair.
I had a buddy who was a POW for a short while in the first Gulf War.
When he got home he found out his wife cheated on him.
He told me what his spouse did was much worse than being a POW for a short time.
So...I don't really know.
And I do not want to equate people who have been through some really bad trauma in their lives to what I dealing with.
I dont see how you an see the death of a marriage and compare it to the death of a buddy in battle,a child dying.
I dont think there is actually a comparison here.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yes. I think that sounds par for the course with adultery. That's why it's such a horrible thing to do.


It is.
Some people don't get it.
The pain is very dsmn real.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

calvin said:


> Yeah it does.
> Bad.
> Our story is different though.
> Not your run of the mill affair.


No, many aren't. Mine wasn't either.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Arkansas said:


> I am a very very sound, logical, reasonable man
> 
> my ex-wife and how she did me .... I don't call it PTSD because I use that term for our veterans ..... but it was highly traumatic and I lost my mind for a few weeks
> 
> ...


I'm sorry Arkansas.
But you are very spot on in my thinking. 
My story is different,it was not a typical affair.
But I am sorry you hurt.
Crap,we all hurt,thsts why we are here.
Hang in there brother.
One way or the other we will make it.
👍👍


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

JWakk said:


> Yes they can and the more you love someone the harder it is to get over what they did to you It took me nearly 20 years to forgive but honestly I still cringe sometimes when I think back to the fool I was.


Ugh


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> No, many aren't. Mine wasn't either.


 Yeah, mine was very strange.
I have no doubt yours was whacked out too.
The way this unfolded for me is why I feel I'm....I might give this a shot.
I fell 12 ft the other day it hurts...bad.
Its still better than the other ****.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Davit Bek said:


> Based on DSM-5 diagnostic criteria (which is used by Psychiatrists), it won't be PTSD because one of the criteria for PTSD is exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence either through direct experience or witnessing. This excluded most types of infidelities.


Based on this link DSM-5 Criteria for PTSD | BrainLine Calvin would most likely be diagnosed with PTSD.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'll work through it.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yeah, mine was very strange.
> I have no doubt yours was whacked out too.
> The way this unfolded for me is why I feel I'm....I might give this a shot.
> I fell 12 ft the other day it hurts...bad.
> Its still better than the other ****.


 Thank you for your support M&M
You're a good man,I have said that before..
PTSD?
Yeah,when you life feels like it has been destroyed, I believe it happens to to people.
Yet we are making progrsss.
👍
Thank you for being a friend way before you were a Supper Duper Moderator. 
I feel we just might make it.
🙂
You're a good man. 
Thank you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I was diagnosed with non-combat PTSD after some layered trauma that was both personal and about my career. Mine was marked by just a steady loop replaying everything over in my head that lasted for 10 years. 

I looked upon it as a rut that my thinking was in that had just gotten worse and deeper. I used to call it a neurological rut. 

I was lucky because I had an accidental tool to help pull me out of it, which was for completely unrelated reasons I went looking for some info in my journals I had kept for years and ended up reading them all in a three-day period and remembering who I was and how I got there. 

Beyond being lucky enough to have something like that, I believe the best chance for getting past that rut is to force yourself to have new preferably non-triggering activities to make new memories. Non triggering activities can give you peace when you can't find any at other times. Staying busy and just making new memories and staying active and forcing yourself to stay social which is the last thing you want to do seems to help crowd out the other stuff and make it seem less all encompassing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

calvin said:


> Yeah, mine was very strange.
> I have no doubt yours was whacked out too.
> The way this unfolded for me is why I feel I'm....I might give this a shot.
> I fell 12 ft the other day it hurts...bad.
> Its still better than the other ****.


It took me 4-5 years to feel emotionally strong enough to want to date again. Even then I took it very slow. It was 2 more years before I met my now husband. It takes time.


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## Eurojet (6 mo ago)

There is something called PISD(Post lnfidelityStrees disorder). I can say that now 2 times she has betrayed me ,it reeks havoc on your mind body and soul. Depression, anxiety, stress, lack of energy, lack of sleep , bad moods, Loss of weight (down just over 25lbs) had Bells palsy caused by the stress and anxiety , and even shingles (mild case) It is horrible to go through this.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There is no magic pill or quick fix for emotional trauma. Healing takes time.
Please know that major decisions made now can haunt you latter. Even if it makes total sense to you now, you may look back in a year or two and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Be careful.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

PTSD, the T stands for traumatic. So anything that is considered traumatic, IMO, qualifies. Even this definition lists emotional and divorce.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Eurojet said:


> There is something called PISD(Post lnfidelityStrees disorder). I can say that now 2 times she has betrayed me ,it reeks havoc on your mind body and soul. Depression, anxiety, stress, lack of energy, lack of sleep , bad moods, Loss of weight (down just over 25lbs) had Bells palsy caused by the stress and anxiety , and even shingles (mild case) It is horrible to go through this.


Incidentally my PISD subsided the day the ex ho moved out.


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## Bigjalann (Apr 4, 2020)

calvin said:


> Can an affair mess with your head and heath so bad it can


I have been struggling for 2 1/2 years with it. Loss of confidence. Loss of social personality. Distrust of others and difficulty in the (one and only one) relationship I stupidly entered into after thinking a "year of working on myself" would allow it to work. Snowballed things happen...depression and a lot more. Absolutely there is PTSD from one of the most emasculating things that can happen to you (or harmful for a female).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Eurojet said:


> There is something called PISD(Post lnfidelityStrees disorder). I can say that now 2 times she has betrayed me ,it reeks havoc on your mind body and soul. Depression, anxiety, stress, lack of energy, lack of sleep , bad moods, Loss of weight (down just over 25lbs) had Bells palsy caused by the stress and anxiety , and even shingles (mild case) It is horrible to go through this.


Yes stress and trauma causes all sorts of mental and physical damage, but 
why do we have to label everything now and call it a disorder? Why can't we do what we have always done throughout history and just say we are in shock, or grieving, or very hurt or betrayed. These labels we use for almost everything are so recent. 
I have faced some mega traumatic life events, I never thought about labels or conditions or having a disorder.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Just because others have suffered “worse” does not mean that your pain is not real or somehow discount your trauma. 
You mentioned a trauma counselor. I thought that was months ago? Are you just now able to have your appointment with the trauma counselor or is this a different trauma counselor? 

Either way, you need to work with a counselor that gives you tools to help you recover, not just someone to vent to. Many people believe “venting” is helpful but it actually isn’t. Especially if it is anger you are venting. You see, if you vent your anger to a fiend, co-worker or counselor once or twice to get it off your chest that is fine, but if you keep venting over and over to anyone who will listens, you are reliving the anger over and over again. Each time your body is going through it over and over, which is not good.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

May 2nd 2019 was when I found out about my cheating ex

This weekend I went to a wedding, had not been to one in years .... I was surprised the emotions it brought back, all the promises/vows made that my ex made to me way back in 1995 (and I to her).

That night I dreamed bad dreams. I was walking outdoor paths, with people I knew .... and around each corner were different things tying back to my marriage and divroce and ex-wife ..... around one of the corners was a pile of bones, and then a trail of smaller piles until there was just one or two, then none and words written on the ground that said "I gave every bone I had"

Crazy, bad, fitful night and I woke at about 1:30 am and didn't get back into dreams that night thank God

3 1/2 years ..... and still I can't forget and honestly I've accepted now I never will. The feelings and emotions and dreams and all that, I don't think they'll ever go away


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> An affair can cause so much pain. Whether that is PTSD I don't know because people are claiming to have that for all sorts of things now. I always thought that was more due to the absolute worse things, such as going though war etc.
> Either way you don't need to have a label, you know that being betrayed is horrible. It hurts.


So that’s not the best way of putting it, people claiming to have PTSD for all sorts of things is a little… mean. 

Some of the worst cases aren’t from war, but a systematic long-term situation at work or at home where you are slowly broken down and your reality challenged. By someone like a parent, sibling, spouse or employer. These situations are just as devastating on the psych as a one-off event like witnessing or being a victim of crime. It’s not something to be claimed lightly, and it can impact a person’s ability to ever be employed again or to even complete a basic supermarket shop.


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