# Husband won't go down ...



## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Afternoon all ... well, my title says it all. Been married for 10 years and he stopped going down when I became pregnant 9 years ago. Have tried talking to him about it many times and he makes excuses, etc., but says he will do it, although never does.
I am very attractive, clean, etc. and we have a good sexual relationship but this has become the elephant in the room and now I am considering having an encounter with a woman. I am beginning to have a decreased desire for sex because all I can think about is this problem.
Is it wrong to go elsewhere? I have been faithful and want to stay that way but cannot imagine never having my pus eaten ever again!
Please, no suggestions of talking to him about it, as I already have, with no results. Thanks to all who reply.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you stopped going down on him? If so, when and how did he react? How often does he initiate?

BTW I think he is being UBER selfish.



OhJeez said:


> Afternoon all ... well, my title says it all. Been married for 10 years and he stopped going down when I became pregnant 9 years ago. Have tried talking to him about it many times and he makes excuses, etc., but says he will do it, although never does.
> I am very attractive, clean, etc. and we have a good sexual relationship but this has become the elephant in the room and now I am considering having an encounter with a woman. I am beginning to have a decreased desire for sex because all I can think about is this problem.
> Is it wrong to go elsewhere? I have been faithful and want to stay that way but cannot imagine never having my pus eaten ever again!
> Please, no suggestions of talking to him about it, as I already have, with no results. Thanks to all who reply.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he thinks of it as your "business end" now and doesn't want to go there any more.

You said not to tell you to talk to him...but what do you want us to say? I'm not going to tell you it's ok to have an affair. Cause it's not.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, you've talked to him, with no results. However, the devil is in the details ... you don't explain how you've approached this matter. I happen to be blunt, so I'd just say, "Why don't you go down on me? And don't give me excuses, give me what sounds like a legit reason." 

Does he satisfy you in other ways, or are you left to your own devices to have the "big O"? 

BTW, why are you considering a woman? Are you bisexual? I mean, another man would probably suffice. I've never encountered this issue, personally ... 

So, other than finding a woman (or a man) to perform this act, do you entertain any thoughts of leaving him? JMO, but I wouldn't be happy staying with a man who felt an issue of importance to me meant zilch to him. I was married to someone like that; emphasis on WAS.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

I stopped going down on him a couple months ago upon much urging from my friends, before that, I did it regularly. He is sort of in between a rock and a hard place because he knows if he asks why I don't anymore, that will open up my can of worms again.
He initiates sex about half of the time, although he often didn't until I told him that I would not stay in a relationship that I felt like I always had to ask ... that he responded to, go figure. I agree that he is being selfish, that's why I had to stop going down on him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well.... what seems to be the consensus when h's say wife won't give bj's is this:

1. Keep talking.... it can't hurt.
2. Withhold oral for him... and tell him why when he asks.
3. If you are satisfied in other ways then this shouldn't matter. 
4. Cheating isn't an answer. IF this is a deal breaker for you, then end this relationship before you start another.

Maybe selfish, maybe lazy, maybe he thinks its icky.... only he knows why. I don't think you can fix those things tho.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

I don't want another man, just him. I am considering a woman because I am curious, and we know what we want and how to achieve it, if you know what I mean. 

My husband always makes me orgasm and won't rest until I have, he's always eager to please, which is what makes this so distressing to me.

I have tried every approach possible, except crying ... I guess I'm not at that point yet. I have even tried texting. I am too shy to push his head down there, as my friends keep urging me to do, for fear of rejection. I bought edible lube, keep myself shaved, etc. ... is there something I haven't done?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes.... get him all excited, then climb up and sit on his face. They CAN'T say no! 

You are seriously considering cheating on your husband?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> He is sort of in between a rock and a hard place because he knows if he asks why I don't anymore, that will open up my can of worms again.


A case of quid pro quo, as we say in the legal profession ... Anyway, you don't want to inform us why he won't respond, how you've posed this question to him, and why it's a "can of worms." He doesn't get a b.j., you don't get oral, so nobody wins in this case.

This is a pretty fundamental-type issue that crops up in marriage. I mean, why can't you just ask and get a clear-cut response? If you don't smell like spoiled tuna, then I just don't get it. 

He stopped doing this after you got pregnant. I can only speculate that, in his mind, a human being coming through your birth canal and "going down there" doesn't equate to a pleasant experience. Again, if he hasn't given you any reasons for why this stopped, it's up to you to assess your overall sexual satisfaction in this relationship. 

After nine years, you must have some theories as to why he stopped doing something you enjoyed.


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## leelo (Dec 6, 2011)

My wife just had a baby 4 months ago.
I am completely grossed out by the thought of going down on her now.
I don't know why. I guess I think I'm gonna find a bowl of chopped up roast beef when I get down there. But it turns my stomach.
I don't know what's up with your dude, because I ain't him, but have you talked about this aspect? To him, you are now (well, for 9 years) asking him to do something he doesn't like?

Maybe get the girl to come over and let him watch her go down on you. I could see THAT as a fix.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

LOL, some great suggestions guys, thank you. I haven't been asking for 9 years though ... it's recent, maybe 4 months or so. I don't think is a question of him being grossed out by my vag, as he enjoys watching during intercourse. 
Leaving isn't really an option, as I do love him, and can't imagine having to tell my children that I left their father because he wouldn't give me oral sex. I would prefer not to cheat, and really want him to be the one to do it. I have thought about having him present during my encounter with a woman, but don't know how I would feel about him touching someone else, and not allowing him to participate wouldn't be fair, would it?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you give him oral?



OhJeez said:


> LOL, some great suggestions guys, thank you. I haven't been asking for 9 years though ... it's recent, maybe 4 months or so. I don't think is a question of him being grossed out by my vag, as he enjoys watching during intercourse.
> Leaving isn't really an option, as I do love him, and can't imagine having to tell my children that I left their father because he wouldn't give me oral sex. I would prefer not to cheat, and really want him to be the one to do it. I have thought about having him present during my encounter with a woman, but don't know how I would feel about him touching someone else, and not allowing him to participate wouldn't be fair, would it?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> ...I have thought about having him present during my encounter with a woman, but don't know how I would feel about him touching someone else, and not allowing him to participate wouldn't be fair, would it?


Is this for real? uhhh ok... so you would like him to watch but not participate and think it is unfair to ask that. (how about it's unfair that you can have another sexual partner and he can't). Nor do I think the idea is even a good one, I think the solution really is overcoming whatever hangups he has.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I agree with Lon. Your potential solution is a non-solution. Could it be that the way you voice your concerns they aren't being heard by your husband? I keep asking the same question, and you don't respond, so maybe you aren't being direct with him. Just my gut instinct telling me there's a bit more to this than just what I'm reading ...

Is your husband completely against MC? We still have no idea if your H has given you half-azzed excuses, ignored what you had to say on the subject, or even if it's that big a deal. All we know, thus far, is your solution is to have sex with another woman so you can get your specific need satisfied, and your husband could be a potential spectator.

You don't want to leave your husband because of this and it sounds like you don't feel it is a legitimate reason to leave. Fine. So why make a big deal out of it to the point of entertaining thoughts of having a woman perform the act?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you just want to be with a woman


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well, why is the advice different when a man don't want to do oral.

bottom line is he has become lazy and indifferent to what you like sexually.

dose he give you foreplay with his hands.and do you orgasm when you have sex.if so then You either accept it or make it a deal breaker.

theres all kind of other things you can do besides oral.


when it comes to sex you like what you like and your spouce should show interest in pleasing you. if not then desire for your sekfish partner wanes, 

join the club of I married a selfish lover. theres a very large membership. and after a while you can join the I want a divorce club.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Yes.... get him all excited, then climb up and sit on his face. They CAN'T say no!


Rofl, ya get him all excited down there and come back up and say sorry. Seriously I think its just the person, I personally love going u know were on my wife. She told me once her previous fiance said he thought it was gross, maybe that's why she married me :scratchhead:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I think you just want to be with a woman


Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. Sounds like it to me.


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## 4waysplit (Dec 22, 2011)

In the same boat as you the number of times my partner has attempted oral to me is les than 5 in 11 years the times he attempted he literally spent under 15 seconds down there. I got waxed and did everything i could think of and he simply wont budge - your not alone but as this is one of many issues i have with my partner i am strongly considering how the hell i get him out of my life - it started with him not caring about my sexual pleasure and it spread to every area first my orgasm wasn't a priority and now it is my happiness in everything. I didnt stand up for myself when he started to not care about my needs and now i am truly paying the price save yourself from a painful future stand your ground


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

I love going down on my wife, but she doesn't like it. Ok, no problem. However, I also LOVE receiving oral sex. She does not like giving it. We have talked, she has done nothing. I think the problem is things like this can start the road downhill. When you make it clear to your spouse that this is something that is important to you, and they say or do nothing to satisfy, that says a lot. At least that is my opinion.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How is everything else in your relationship? You said he is a good attentive lover and he makes sure you are satisfied. He does not sound like a selfish cad. 

Think carefully, could anything have happened that would have affected his desire to meet your desire for oral? Is he happy in the marriage, are you both close emotionally, communication? Did you gain lots of weight? Did he witness the birth of the child?

You cannot make him give you oral sex is he does not like to do it for whatever reason. However, there are lots of other things you could both do. You can have him use a toy on you or his hands. 

Do you think you could enjoy oral is he gave reluctantly? I don't think you should bring up the cheating thing (yes it is cheating). 

In essence, what you are saying is that oral sex is more important than the stability of your marriage, your husbands feelings and the passible disruption of your kids lives. 

It sounds like you enjoyed giving him oral sex so why stop now after 9 yrs? Is he is not a good husband, good man, good provider, loving and caring? Does the lack of one sex act trump all of that? 

Please don't destroy what you have for one of many alternatives to an orgasm!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> Yes.... get him all excited, then climb up and sit on his face. They CAN'T say no!
> 
> You are seriously considering cheating on your husband?


Ha Ha That would be like a man shoving his junk into his partners mouth. I wouldn't risk it, he has teeth right????


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> well, why is the advice different when a man don't want to do oral.


Maybe she should ask him if his emotional needs are being met lately? 

No question - another person, man, woman, whatever, is not the solution.

If he's scared or grossed out or whathaveyou, they may be legitimate fears to get over... Half-assed excuses = lazy/selfish IMO.


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## shellbell72 (Dec 19, 2011)

> Your potential solution is a non-solution


Agree!



> I think you just want to be with a woman


Agree!

Sounds like you are just looking for an excuse to stray. You admit you are curious.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

So, talking to him is off limits to suggest, but did you tell him that the status quo is not an option, and that you want to discuss a deadline for when you are seperating if the issue is not resolved? The other people in your life do not need to know that you seperated over oral sex, because you really separated because he is a selfish lover. THAT one will not sit so well with him.

Seriously, cheating is the only option you can come up with? At least offer to let him have sex with the woman while she goes down on you. Personally, I'm against open marriages, but since you are bringing it up ....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I just don't get the fascniation with a certain sex act, man or woman.

(well, okay many males posters here have made it clear why it's sooooo important for a man)

Why are so focusing so much on what you DONT have? Why are you not open to other methods? Toys? You are missing out on a whole lotta fun, IMO if you are limiting yourself to one act. By doing that, you are upsetting the whole apple cart and it's spoiling your life, your marriage, and making you negative all around. 

And don't forget to consider that being open to toys and other methods opens the "door" to oral sex in the end. 

There is really no magic advice for women or men... "tell me exactly what to do or say to make my spouse do what I want". Truth is, it doesn't exist. Because you can't control another person. 

In the big picture, does it not sound a bit "childish" to divorce over the fact that you cannot force someone to do something they don't even WANT to do? I just don't understand who "wins" in this scenario. 

Get some toys. Some of them are AMAZING!! Oral doesn't even compare.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Why are so focusing so much on what you DONT have?


Because she had it for the first 8.5 years of her marriage and it's perfectly reasonable to wonder why it stopped so suddenly.
Would you be asking the same question if your spouse decided to stop kissing you? Holding your hand? Paying the phone bill?
There was a need met for nearly a decade now ir's not being met. "Get over it" is a ****ty option.



> Why are you not open to other methods?


Is there another method that even begins to compare to the pleasure and intimacy of your lovers hot wet eager mouth working your sex?
I don't know of one.



> Toys? You are missing out on a whole lotta fun, IMO if you are limiting yourself to one act. By doing that, you are upsetting the whole apple cart and it's spoiling your life, your marriage, and making you negative all around.


How do you know she's missing out on things?
This isn't about toys or other sexual situations. This is about oral. Oral sex is so popular due to it's uniqueness, there's nothing else like it.



> And don't forget to consider that being open to toys and other methods opens the "door" to oral sex in .


She doesn't need to find a way to "open the door" to oral sex. The damn door was open for 8+ years. She needs to find out why the door has been closed and lOcked after so much time.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't see it any differently than If your spouse suddenly decided to stop kissing you.
Unless of course you could find something tO replace the act of kissing.
Are there toys for that?

I don't think so
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Because she had it for the first 8.5 years of her marriage and it's perfectly reasonable to wonder why it stopper so suddenly.
> Would you be asking the same question if your spouse decided to stop kissing you? Holding your hand? Paying the phone bill?
> There was a need met for nearly a decade now ir's not being met. "Get over it" is a ****ty option.
> 
> ...


No, I don't agree with you. It's bitter to demand someone do something they don't want to do, or else it's a dealbreaker. That's kinda sad, actually. I can't even imagine walking around life feeling scorned because you did not get your way. 

OP has made it clear that talking about why the door was closed is off the table. So... you either make the best of the situation, or you climb up on your pedastel and convince yourself that you will find someone who will obey your wishes. 

Meh, I'd rather spend my life controlling what I can. ME.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> No, I don't agree with you. It's bitter to demand someone do something they don't want to do, or else it's a dealbreaker.


You don`t believe this for a second.
Is it bitter to want your spouse to kiss you? Hold you? Make love to you? Stay faithful to you?
These are all "demands" we make on our SO`s.
If any one of them or others stops after years in a relationship then you have a very good complaint of "Bait & Switch".
That`s a dealbreaker to me.

I`m willing to bet your main problem with this situation is that it`s a sex act we`re discussing.
Please answer my question.
If your lover stopped kissing you after 8+ years and gave no reason what would you do?

If the spouse who baited isn`t interested in fixing the problem they should be prepared to be alone.
It`s unfair to expect your lover to sacrifice in such a way for a lifetime.
It`s unacceptable.



> That's kinda sad, actually. I can't even imagine walking around life feeling scorned because you did not get your way.


You`re injecting intent in my words that I didn`t intend.
This has nothing to do with "being scorned" because I did not get my way.
This has to do with neglect and the reasons behind it.



> OP has made it clear that talking about why the door was closed is off the table.


I missed that, where did she say she doesn`t care to know why oral is now off the table?
I don`t think she did, please point it out to me.



> So... you either make the best of the situation, or you climb up on your pedastel and convince yourself that you will find someone who will obey your wishes.


No, you either "make the best of it".... (That`s something we all dream of doin in our marriages isn`t it?:scratchhead 
....or you find someone who wants to be with you, someone who loves to please you, someone who is capable of meeting your needs.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Tacoma,
I do not agree with you. This is not about kissing. So don't twist it. 
It IS about a specific sex act.

YMMV, take your accusations offline of the OP's post. This is about her. 

I don't have to agree with you, and I'm not interested in "swaying" my beliefs and making a lack of oral sex into a refusal of intimacy of any kind (she did not say there is no kissing or hand holding) but YOU may believe it is all the same. Your personal view. And you are entitled to see it that way. I don't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him how this makes you FEEL and how you want to experience it with him and how it makes you feel rejected he won't visit downtown.

I personally have NEVER understood couples who won't give eachother oral sex. Or receive. It seems so strange to me.


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## Christopher (Dec 9, 2011)

Sometimes, most times it isn't something that you think, like giving birth. It is just a date that you can look back on and make a connection with, so I wouldn't worry about it. Try Pushing him down on the bed, physically and seductive, climb up him and put it on his mouth. Next...move around and moan. A lot.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Tacoma,
> I do not agree with you.


You don`t have to.



> This is not about kissing. So don't twist it.
> It IS about a specific sex act.


And kissing is another "specific" intimate act.
The comparison is apt.
I do notice you didn`t answer the question though.
Actually you haven`t answered any of my questions during this discussion.
Interesting.



> YMMV, take your accusations offline of the OP's post. This is about her.


I have made no accusations.
Please show me where I did so.



> I don't have to agree with you, and I'm not interested in "swaying" my beliefs and making a lack of oral sex into a refusal of intimacy of any kind (she did not say there is no kissing or hand holding) but YOU may believe it is all the same. Your personal view. And you are entitled to see it that way. I don't.


And I`m entitled to post it on this message board no matter how upset it seems to make you.
This is a discussion forum, I am merely "discussing".

My point is not everyone is willing to allow the intimacy of their relationship to be chipped away over time.

This is where frustration leads to resentment which leads to...well we all know where resentment leads.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, yeah Tacoma.
Only problem is I'm talking to the OP, not you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Yeah, yeah Tacoma.
> Only problem is I'm talking to the OP, not you.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

deejov said:


> Tacoma,
> I do not agree with you. This is not about kissing. So don't twist it.
> It IS about a specific sex act.
> 
> ...


^ doesn't like oral


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Yes.... get him all excited, then climb up and sit on his face. They CAN'T say no!
> 
> :iagree::smthumbup::smthumbup::iagree:



My wife lets me go down on her, and I enjoy it so much. She has even started to go down on me a little bit again. She hadn't in a long time, but I literally ask her to when we are in the moment and she does. But what I wouldn't do for her to sit on my face. OMG, she has only agreed to do that like three times with me, but that and 69 would be another thing I would love my W to be into.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

deejov said:


> I just don't get the fascniation with a certain sex act, man or woman.
> 
> (well, okay many males posters here have made it clear why it's sooooo important for a man)
> 
> ...


You bring up a very good point, deejov, but there is an added aspect that may be at least worth mentioning. Maybe I'm biased by my wife's situation, where she was sexually abused, and the man tried to get her to give him a BJ. Even if its not based on abuse, some sex acts can be very uncomfortable for a person, and there are just so many ways that we can try to find a way to satisfy each other. But more importantly, I think that too many people short circuit the process, when there are almost always ways of getting to where you want things to be if the right approach is used. It involves patient, loving acceptance and support. In my case, I took BJs off the table, and focused instead on the atmosphere of our sexual relationship. The tone, and I'm serious, was that there would never be a focus on something that wasn't mutually acceptable. The tone of the approach to the issue is super critical, when you are also saying that you'll accept them even if it never progresses beynd the current status. Funny, with time, BJs are definately not a problem, if you get my drift. I think that if the OP focused a whole lot more on what is in the relationship, instead of what isn't, and addressing the problem in a way that follows the advice of a therapist, it could one day be a non-issue. 

Outside of working on the atmosphere of our sexual relationship, a really good article that my wife and I once read suggested that in cases like this, a woman can wear sexy panties, and keep them on, but lead her husband to kiss her legs, working his way up. By seeing the way she responds as he nears, some men will gradually see this as an invitation. Its important to tie this to a similar approach to him, going no further than he does. By removing the pressuring comments about going down on her, but instead focusing on acceptance of the pleasure he brings within his comfort zone, his boundaries can widen. 

Also, I think he could be reluctant to talk about aspects that are a real problem. Could be that some subtle action on her part is the only problem, or smell, or making sure that attention is focused on lighting, partial covering, etc, that might remind him of childbirth. Even the tantalizing way he removes this partial covering, and her response, can put the whole thing into a different context for him. Have to admit that at some level, he is seeing the act in its most blatant, raw form. Through seeing it in the context of progressive pleasuring, as in invitation to more, some people overcome the hangups. 

Too simplistic to work for some, I'm sure, but as I said, worked for us with my wife's context in the way she related to oral with me. I simply did not mimic the mode of her sexual abuse, changing it from something I wanted to something that she wanted to do. I apologize if I slaughtered the approach in the old article we had once read.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

I suppose you are right ... I know being with someone else would feel wrong, and in reality, I just want my husband to be the one to do it. 
I have spoken to my husband regarding this in a few ways like I mentioned, and yes, I have come straight out and asked him to go down, before, during (which ruined the mood, obviously), and casually at other times. 
At this point, I am losing interest in sex because this is all I can think about, which tells me that this is very serious, as I have a very healthy libido. Does anyone know if they sell battery operated tongues? lol


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is his reason for not going down on you?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Does anyone know if they sell battery operated tongues? lol *

Why yes they do. They sell battery operated everything! Google it!


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> well, why is the advice different when a man don't want to do oral.
> 
> bottom line is he has become lazy and indifferent to what you like sexually.
> 
> ...


LOL ... I hope not, as we are very compatible sexually and yes, he uses his hands down there and is very attracted to me otherwise ... I just want it so bad, my thoughts are consumed with it ... it's the rejection that comes with it that I am worried about.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

4waysplit said:


> In the same boat as you the number of times my partner has attempted oral to me is les than 5 in 11 years the times he attempted he literally spent under 15 seconds down there. I got waxed and did everything i could think of and he simply wont budge - your not alone but as this is one of many issues i have with my partner i am strongly considering how the hell i get him out of my life - it started with him not caring about my sexual pleasure and it spread to every area first my orgasm wasn't a priority and now it is my happiness in everything. I didnt stand up for myself when he started to not care about my needs and now i am truly paying the price save yourself from a painful future stand your ground


Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. Thank you for your reply, as I don't feel so alone anymore ... I suppose it is also about him not meeting that need, not just about me getting oral.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> How is everything else in your relationship? You said he is a good attentive lover and he makes sure you are satisfied. He does not sound like a selfish cad.
> 
> Think carefully, could anything have happened that would have affected his desire to meet your desire for oral? Is he happy in the marriage, are you both close emotionally, communication? Did you gain lots of weight? Did he witness the birth of the child?
> 
> ...


The worst thing is that he denies not liking it, but shuts down when I try to get to the bottom of it. My reasoning for withholding oral from him is in the hopes that he will bring it up the next time, rather than myself. It has been quite a blow to my ego ... and no, I didn't gain weight, I am thinner now than when we met (125lbs, 5'4), yes, he saw the babies entering the world, but watches the penetration during intercourse, so he can't be grossed out by it ... do some women just taste bad naturally? I have never had anyone else complain.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

shellbell72 said:


> Agree!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Although I am curious, I really want my husband to do it for me, really, really. This is not about me wanting another woman, lets please not stray from the real issue here people.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

deejov said:


> And don't forget to consider that being open to toys and other methods opens the "door" to oral sex in the end.
> 
> 
> 
> Get some toys. Some of them are AMAZING!! Oral doesn't even compare.


We have a small arsenal of toys, sorry, should have mentioned that, and they get used.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

deejov said:


> I just don't get the fascniation with a certain sex act, man or woman.
> 
> (well, okay many males posters here have made it clear why it's sooooo important for a man)
> Get some toys. Some of them are AMAZING!! Oral doesn't even compare.


To you, perhaps.

To me Oral is the ish. I love love love it. Toys are do nothing for me and my wife is not open to that idea either.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him how this makes you FEEL and how you want to experience it with him and how it makes you feel rejected he won't visit downtown.


OK, I will lay it all out tonight ... or should I wait til after Christmas?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why wait?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WHAT is his reason for not going down on you?? What has he said?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> Although I am curious ... This is not about me wanting another woman, lets please not stray from the real issue here people.


I don't think we are the ones who strayed, and I quote:

"... now I am considering having an encounter with a woman."

"I am considering a woman because I am curious, and we know what we want and how to achieve it ..."

"I have thought aboiut having him present during my encounter with a woman ..."

This appears to be part of the issue, since you wrote about it. Hey, if you want to try a woman, go for it. If you want to find out why your husband won't do it, then go for that. I have the feeling, having read your posts, that you are not sitting him down and having a serious talk. Like Jellybeans asked, "What has he said?" His excuses, reasons, or justifications (if there are any) are part of the issue, and thus far, nobody here knows what they are.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I don't think we are the ones who strayed,


The OP hasn`t strayed either.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tacoma, I meant "strayed" as in the OP said we were "straying" from the ISSUE of her husband going down on her; I do not mean "straying" as in cheating.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> LOL ... I hope not, as we are very compatible sexually and yes, he uses his hands down there and is very attracted to me otherwise ... *I just want it so bad*,* my thoughts are consumed with it *... it's the rejection that comes with it that I am worried about.


This is the crux of the matter - you want it so badly that it consumes you. This is the point where it is not healthy, and this is the state that so many people let themselves get to.

It's not about oral sex - it could be any of a number of other things or acts - it's about the fact that you want him to 'stroke your ego' and validate your self-worth and you attach that validation to only this single act and you take it so personally when he does not validate that for you.

I am going to probably get slammed for this, but I suggest you look at yourself first and whether what you are requesting is even reasonable in light of that.

Maybe this article can help explain it better. Notice in the article where it says that "We don't like to have sex with people that we have to prop up." Do you think that your husband feels like he has to 'prop you up'? He has to constantly validate you via this act when you should be validating yourself. Something to think about.

Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? | Psychology Today

Best wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> This is the crux of the matter - you want it so badly that it consumes you. This is the point where it is not healthy, and this is the state that so many people let themselves get to.
> 
> It's not about oral sex - it could be any of a number of other things or acts - it's about the fact that you want him to 'stroke your ego' and validate your self-worth and you attach that validation to only this single act and you take it so personally when he does not validate that for you.
> 
> I am going to probably get slammed for this, but I suggest you look at yourself first and whether what you are requesting is even reasonable in light of that.


I totally disagree that it's not "healthy" for her to want him to go down on her so badly. They are married for chrissake's. And him not going down on her makes her feel rejected. I would feel that way, too! Especially if he used to do it and stopped.

As for suggesting that what she is requesting may not "even be reasonable..." Say what??? Does not compute. 

I still want to hear why he won't do it, what his reason is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I totally disagree that it's not "healthy" for her to want him to go down on her so badly. They are married for chrissake's. And him not going down on her makes he feel rejected. I would feel that way, too! Especially if he used to do i and stopped.
> 
> As for suggesting that what she is requesting may not "even be reasonable..." Say what??? Does not compute.
> 
> I still want to hear why he won't do it, what his reason is.


Totally agree.

I'd like to know his reasoning as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I totally disagree that it's not "healthy" for her to want him to go down on her so badly. They are married for chrissake's. And him not going down on her makes her feel rejected. I would feel that way, too! Especially if he used to do it and stopped.
> 
> As for suggesting that what she is requesting may not "even be reasonable..." Say what??? Does not compute.
> 
> I still want to hear why he won't do it, what his reason is.


She used the word 'consuming'. It is unhealthy if it is consumes you to the point of all else. imho.

Like I said - I knew I would get slammed, but she needs to explore and ponder this.

If you let a single thing consume your thoughts and actions and how you feel to the point where it overtakes everything else-including all of the GOOD things that you have-then it is not healthy and you need to take a step back and evaluate why you attach so much significance to that single thing, to the exclusion of all else.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> WHAT is his reason for not going down on you?? What has he said?


Mostly that his tongue isn't long enough and that it hurts if he sticks it out too much. He also said that when he does do it, he can't go down for long because of this. All the times that I have brought it up, the conversation ends with him saying he will, but it just never happens


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> Mostly that his tongue isn't long enough and that it hurts if he sticks it out too much. He also said that when he does do it, he can't go down for long because of this. All the times that I have brought it up, the conversation ends with him saying he will, but it just never happens


So....he`s never finished an ice cream cone in his life huh?


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It's not about oral sex - it could be any of a number of other things or acts - it's about the fact that you want him to 'stroke your ego' and validate your self-worth and you attach that validation to only this single act and you take it so personally when he does not validate that for you.


Ok, seriously though ... it really IS about having my poon eaten by my husband, who by the way, REALLY enjoys having oral sex performed on him and is usually not shy to ask for it when I don't voluntarily do it. Our marriage is pretty healthy otherwise. It is now a question of making him understand somehow.


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> She used the word 'consuming'. It is unhealthy if it is consumes you to the point of all else. imho.
> 
> Like I said - I knew I would get slammed, but she needs to explore and ponder this.
> 
> ...


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

tacoma said:


> So....he`s never finished an ice cream cone in his life huh?


LOL, actually, he is more of a milkshake kinda guy


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

OhJeez said:


> LOL, actually, he is more of a milkshake kinda guy


Well, there's your problem! Gotta grow a d1ck!



C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> LOL, actually, he is more of a milkshake kinda guy





PBear said:


> Well, there's your problem! Gotta grow a d1ck!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Haha, thanks for my good laugh of the day! Love it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> What about if it were the act of intercourse? If it was this that was lacking in our relationship, would it be wrong to have that consume my thoughts? Or intimacy? What about if that was lacking? Then would it still be "unhealthy"?
> 
> And no worries, no slamming coming from me, we are all individuals with our own educated opinions.
> 
> First and foremost, he has never said he doesn't like it or that he won't ever do it, I just have to get to the bottom of it.


It would depend on the context, I think. You said other things are good, just this one thing is off, so that's why I mentioned about not letting it consume to the exclusion of all else. 

But, your recent comments made me think. Could he have 'tongue tie'? It's an anomaly of the tongue where a person cannot actually stick their tongue out or have much mobility with their tongues. Got me curious, because there was another poster here whose H had that and he couldn't give oral sex.

Ankyloglossia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It would depend on the context, I think. You said other things are good, just this one thing is off, so that's why I mentioned about not letting it consume to the exclusion of all else.
> 
> But, your recent comments made me think. Could he have 'tongue tie'? It's an anomaly of the tongue where a person cannot actually stick their tongue out or have much mobility with their tongues. Got me curious, because there was another poster here whose H had that and he couldn't give oral sex.
> 
> Ankyloglossia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


It's strange you mention that, as a friend also suggested the same. I will look it up and get back here. Thank You!!!


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

It could be this issue, but he has no problem using his tongue while kissing.
I actually wrote him a letter today, telling him how I feel. Hopefully I will report back with some good news.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> Mostly that his tongue isn't long enough and that it hurts if he sticks it out too much. He also said that when he does do it, he can't go down for long because of this.


He may feel that he cannot please you due to this issue. He may fear that you will make him feel inadequate if he tries and can't get the job done. So he simply avoids it at all cost's.

Express that you understand that sticking his tongue out too far, for too long is uncomfortable for him. express that you will not make fun of him for trying, and that you are very much open to experimenting if he is.

He can use his lips as much as his tonuge, and he does not have to force his tongue all the way out, just whats comfortable for him.

Ask him if he is willing to try placing his lips on your ****, with a soft sucking motion, and using only the tip of his tongue. Could be great for you and work for him too.

Clearly you will have to be bold in expressing this, but what do you have to loose????

(That was hard to write without getting excited )


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

RDJ said:


> He may feel that he cannot please you due to this issue. He may fear that you will make him feel inadequate if he tries and can't get the job done. So he simply avoids it at all cost's.
> 
> Express that you understand that sticking his tongue out too far, for too long is uncomfortable for him. express that you will not make fun of him for trying, and that you are very much open to experimenting if he is.
> 
> ...


Some sound advice, thank you. Lol to your last comment ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

OhJeez said:


> Lol to your last comment ...


I stopped and sexted my wife, she replied "OHJEEZ" :rofl:


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## OhJeez (Dec 22, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I stopped and sexted my wife, she replied "OHJEEZ" :rofl:


LOL :smthumbup:


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

My friend's husband refused to go down on her after watching her give birth to their first child. He just said that he couldn't do it after watching her give birth. She was extremely frustrated with the fact that he just outright wouldn't even try.

About 2 years later he really wanted these golf clubs for Christmas, she said fine, I'll get them for you but you're going to go down on me before you get them! I was with them and about died that she straight up told him that either he do this or he could kiss the golf clubs goodbye! 

I called a few days after Christmas, and let's just say he got the golf clubs and there hasn't been an issue with him going down on her since! He just has to get past the mental image of childbirth and the fact that although, yes, you did have a baby, your body is meant for much more than just bringing life into this world! Try bribing him, it worked for her!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

OhJeez said:


> It's strange you mention that, as a friend also suggested the same. I will look it up and get back here. Thank You!!!


As an FYI, I also have this issue. Apparently I had to have that membrane snipped a bit when I was young. And even now, when I get a good tongue workout, it can be sore the next day. I've felt it get caught between my two front teeth, and it's a bit uncomfortable, if not painful.

Having said that, it's no excuse. Just need to refine technique. If he can stick his tongue out far enough to lick his own lips or french kiss you, he can stick it out far enough to please a woman. If he wants to, that is. There's plenty of resources available in print, on line, on video to help with technique, so he need not fear he's doing it "wrong". But again, he has to want to make a change.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

ohjeez

You are on the right track. My wife loves when I go down on her but very rarely takes care of me. She tells me she hates it. 

Your husband is just being a wimp about it. He probably cant get the image out of his head when you were giving birth. LOL


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Is it related to a taste issue? I know during my short pregnancy and for awhile after my husband,who normally thinks Vajaja is a food group
seemed put off by it.I finally just asked if it was a smell or taste thing and to be honest about it
.He said I normally was fruity but had a sort of old straw taste.I even went as far as to do a sniff test and taste (gross i know) but I could not detect anything yukky
however 20 years of something being the same all of a sudden hit the radar for his taste buds.

I was upset but went in to the doctor and I had a PH imbalance in there.A tube of medication and a week and it was gone I also watch my diet now.. Just an idea


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

leelo said:


> My wife just had a baby 4 months ago.
> I am completely grossed out by the thought of going down on her now.
> I don't know why. I guess I think I'm gonna find a bowl of chopped up roast beef when I get down there. But it turns my stomach.
> I don't know what's up with your dude, because I ain't him, but have you talked about this aspect? To him, you are now (well, for 9 years) asking him to do something he doesn't like?
> ...


are you serious ??? that's too bad.I have had four babies and while things change down there my DH has never stopped it. Don't you miss the taste?


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

OhJeez said:


> Is it wrong to go elsewhere? I have been faithful and want to stay that way but cannot imagine never having my pus eaten ever again!


Confirmed. The world really has gone totally fkng mad. :crazy:


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