# Men's Prospective Needed: Is His Response Genuine Or Otherwise



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Please see my other posts in financial for background. 

Question:
I'm looking for a man's point-of-view regarding my H's response: is it one of a person who wants to make things right because he thinks that it's the right thing to do or is it some form of manipulation to make me feel guilty.

History:
Essentially resentment building on my part for paying the mortgage and all utilities and the mortgage for several years with limited regular assistance (split the costs) while seeing a lot of his money going to his adult kids ($22K to help his daughter buy a house last year alone). Second marriage. He owns his business so no bi-weekly paycheck. No joint accounts. His son and the son's girlfriend have been living with us since their undergraduate college graduation last December. The GF has been employed since January, the son remains unemployed. H knows I am not in agreement with the GF living here and it remains an unresolved point of contention with me. In January of this year I gave him a spreadsheet (I do that for him at his business) listing what I paid. I did so to be direct and to take the emotion out of it--making it more a business approach. I felt I had no right to complain if I didn't bring it to his attention. Instead of saying "How can I help?" his response was "I think you are paying too much for the cable".

Today:
I opened our water bill and found it close to twice of what it was exactly one year ago (they provide the comparison on the bill-same number of days in the billing cycle so apples to apples comparison). I mentioned that out loud to my H as I was paying the bill. He said it probably was because we have his son living here now and I said "yes and the girlfriend" No tone was used. Honestly my remark was partially due to son/GF's usage, part of surprise and finally wondering if we needed to fix the leaky faucets (2 drip).

He said, what is it, about $20 more? I said yes. He threw $25 over to me where I was sitting. He said "I'm not a mind reader on these issues, you have to tell me." 

Five minutes later, he tells me that he is paying our son-in-law 2 hours not to work for him so he can pick up something I bought and deliver it to the business. He is also going to pay him $ for gas as well so about $50. He said "...it was just an observation." I promptly returned the $25 to him and he said I didn't have to and I said "It's only fair". 

Then he started in with the seat switch that he just installed in my car (he owns a repair shop) was $200 and at that point I told him that I do take issue with that because he doesn't charge any of his kids with their car repairs so I don't think that should be different for me. 

I then said, "What I do for you at the shop (bookkeeper and admin), isn't it of value to you?" His response was, "You could train the son or another one of his employees to do that; however, you always get offended when I consider that." I work for free.

He then said "We'll go back to paying you $200/week for expenses so you won't feel like you are losing out money being married to me". I stopped that because a lot of the times, the business account could not afford it and we got a new tenant in our rental house. I told him that I would calculate the real costs and credit anything he may pay. I told him that I wanted to be fair. 


Closing/Plans:
Today was a step for me as far as bringing the finances with him in a conversation but I feel anxious/bad in some ways. I plan to tell him that I love him and because I do, I owe it to him to be clear and timely in my communication. I built up resentment over finances because of fear of "saying something" and it back fired. I need to learn from this and change. I plan to tell him later that I learned that I caused half of my resentment by just not communicating it earlier due to fear. My fear was realized because holding it in backfired and going forward I will be more timely and more direct.
Posted via Mobile Device


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You getting paid is nice in theory. But won't he just think that you are making more money, and have no reason to have any expectations of him contributing???

Have you given him a solid number of what his half would be? 

And I've read both of these posts...and I don't see where he did anything FOR you yet. So don't think he is trying to sweet-talk you, because this isn't it! 

Why not set up a plan.... including all income and expenses. If you don't know his income put a big question mark there. Then divide up the bills.... so that you each pay a fair amount. It may not be 50/50, you may pay more if your income is steadily more than his business brings in. But figure it out to be fair, and something YOU can live with. Present it to him, as a solution to the on-going arguing/bickering/sniping about finances. 

His reaction, whether to disregard you, or argue, or try to compromise (and a fair agreement probably would take compromise).... is your answer. It's taking charge of your life, your finances, and your future. 

I'd also suggest that son and gf start paying rent. Figure a nominal amount.... and if son lets his gf support him, that is his problem.... he'd be taking after his dad anyway. 

*Another thought on charging them rent, is it gives them "rights" within the household. Maybe better than rent is a time limit to how long they can live there while "saving up" for a place of their own. Something else you and H would have to discuss and agree on. 

Put on your big girl panties and figure this out. It's not easy... it is confrontational to him (no matter how nicely you state things), but it's doable.


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