# I did a horrible thing



## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I heard through the grapevine that stbxh was on a sort of date/flirting site and I looked him up. And there he was.


Out of rage, embarrassment, self-loathing(of myself in general and the fact that I even looked him up) I quick messaged his twin brother and told him "Tell your brother to just free me and divorce me if he is going to be on dating sites like meetme.com, lol, that's disrespectful"

He got mad of course 

"you had one to a while back lady.
im not getting in the middle of it
im pretty sure he thinks you filed already when you did your child support thing
his your husband/ex huband
im sorry if thats rude but for real.
im not wanting trouble on either side."





I proceeded to tell him that I had a profile on there two months ago because I had heard my stbxh was on it and I only made one to see if it was true. I couldn't find one, so I logged off but never went back on it(until tonight that is). My stbxh told me he had one out of boredom but deleted it and that's why I didn't see it. 

He then told me that that wasnt the point and that I still had one blah blah blah. 

I told him to please not treat me like the bad guy.

Then I apologized for going random batsh!t crazy on him.

But he is ignoring me now.


I really hate myself, no wonder his brother left me.


Someone please give me advice, a 2x4 to the head or anything.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I am so sick now.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

We have all done things we regret, learn from it and move on there is nothing you can do to change what was said. If you stbx says anything tell him you were playing truth or dare with a friend and it was either blow up at your brother in law or do a lap dance for the guy you were playing with. You wanted to pick the lessor of two evils. Lol head up no worries it won't change it.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

They say time heals all wounds, I have yet to see that!!! But time does help temporary lapses in judgement blow over.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I could just kill myself.

I blew everything I have been working so hard for...I took 5 giant leaps forward...then I jumped off of a cliff and into a dark abyss. I dont know how I will recover from this.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

You didn't do a horrible thing: you made a mistake. It might we worth asking yourself (honestly) why you would make an account like that. I think some important bit of your story are missing ... You refer to him as your stbxh, and it sounds like you guys aren't living together, but you are worried that he is on a dating site? 

If you have split up and are moving toward divorce, does it matter if he starts dating at some point? 

Focus on your life, not his. This is an opportunity to fall in love with yourself again. I think that is something almost all of us on this board are struggling with, but it has to happen before we are any good to anyone else.

You'll recover and you'll learn that your mistakes along the way helped you grow. Hang in there.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I feel like it is disrespectful to marriage to be dating only 4 months into separation. I wouldn't even think of dating until I am legally divorced. I truly believe in marriage and all it stands for. Of course, I am fiercely loyal. 
Ad just because he is my stbxh doesn't mean I still don't love him. If it were my choice, he wouldn't be a stbx.


I am just hurt. As anyone would be I think.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I feel like it is disrespectful to marriage to be dating only 4 months into separation. I wouldn't even think of dating until I am legally divorced. I truly believe in marriage and all it stands for. Of course, I am fiercly loyal.
> Ad just because he is my stbxh doesn't mean I still don't love him. If it were my choice, he wouldn't be a stbx.


Dont beat yourself up. You did not do anything terrible. I am with you on this. I am fiercely loyal, as well. She started dating 1 day after separation. 

Just keep your head up and take it one day at a time. You are doing great. You had one misstep here. Learn from it and move forward. You can do it.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Thank you.

I really hate being in my situation, and I want everything to just go away. It doesn't even have to go back to "normal", I just want him and his family to just disappear now.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

You didn't ! Don't worry . But it means he is moving forward if he joins such a websites .

The positive thing about this is - he'll very soon discover what is out there and he'll see the grass is not greener , even worst ! 
That may work in your advantage , so be prepared 

His TB did great job not to get in between you two , so don't be mad on him !

Stay strong


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I really hate being in my situation, and I want everything to just go away. It doesn't even have to go back to "normal", I just want him and his family to just disappear now.


I know how you feel. I want this to just end as well. The fact is, it will not end unless we do something about it. We need to end it for ourselves. We need to stop obsessing over what they are doing.

You are doing great. 

In my opinion, I have found that sometimes when i slip up (I have done it enough) and I do not get the desired response, I get depressed for a few days, but then emerge from that depression with even stronger resolve to get over this. I am not saying that you should continue to put yourself in a vulnerable position, but making a mistake and learning from it, in my opinion, is a great tool for getting better. 

I will say this, before you do anything like this (contacting the BIL, family, friends of his, him, etc) ask here. In the heat of the moment you may do or say something that you will regret. We are one giant support group and we are all here for each other. Use us for that. 

And remember, you are only as good as you make yourself out to be. None of us know you personally, but I can tell you that all of us know that you are a great, kind, loving person that does not deserve to be in the situation you are in. You need to see what we see in you. It is harder said than done, but it is very important. Positive affirmations. 

Hang in there. We are here for you.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

All you will get from his family is "he said she said".

It does no good.

Hell, after NC for over 2 months I ran into my soon to be ex BIL and I preceded to listen to a hour of it.

She said this.

Apparently I said that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

UpnOver said:


> All you will get from his family is "he said she said".
> 
> It does no good.
> 
> ...


I wish there was someone here to warn you of these things


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

abandonmentissues said:


> I really hate myself, no wonder his brother left me.


Please stop with the self-loathing.

We all do crazy sh!t when we are going through the madness of a break up/separation/divorce or anything else that traumatizes you. 

While it's true you probably should not have said anything, what's done is done. And you apologized (good thing).

So he's ignoring you? Oh well. Don't worry about him.

Start thinking practically. Do what you need to do to get your divorce and keep your spirits up. Keep things between you and stbx re: the breakdown of the relationship and the divorce. 

One step at a time.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you didn't do a horrible thing, you did a silly thing - it's just the equivalent of drunk dialling an ex, don't beat yourself up about it

chalk it up and get the divorce rolling


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I wish there was someone here to warn you of these things


Lol.


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