# Don't you just love attention from your dh?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am just thrilled every time he comes to talk to me, or compliments me, or suggests we do something together. I think part of this is being a SAHM, as just any adult interaction is such a thrill, lol.

We will be married 20 years in May, and dh told me a few months ago that he wants to take me somehere, just the two of us, for a week. He suggested Spain or Hawaii. That is a big deal here, as we are a one income family, and we still have four kids at home (dd said she would watch her brothers for us while we're away). I told him we could do something smaller and cheaper, lol, like drive out to Boston (we have not been there since 1994). Just getting to be together without kids should be fun.

Do you get excited about attention from your dh, too? Or do you already get a lot of it, and it is kind of no big deal?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's great he pays attention to you Many ladies just don't get that and it's sad

I don't get excited as much as I just remain extremely grateful for the amount of attention he lavishes upon me. I've been on the other end of the spectrum where I got nothing and it was awful. The amount of time he takes to show me I'm important to him is absolutely amazing.It really goes a long way. 

I do whatever I can to meet his needs as a way of showing how grateful I am that he is so enthusiastic about meeting my needs.

We share a great need for quality time.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I guess I get enough attention, but I'm still thrilled when he makes suggestions for things to do or starts conversations, as he is not at all a chatterbox! 

I also love when I get physical attention-- like when we pass each other in the hallway and he kisses and hugs me. He does it almost all of the time, but I still love it so much!

Kinda girly, isn't it?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's great he pays attention to you Many ladies just don't get that and it's sad
> 
> I don't get excited as much as I just remain extremely grateful for the amount of attention he lavishes upon me. I've been on the other end of the spectrum where I got nothing and it was awful. The amount of time he takes to show me I'm important to him is absolutely amazing.It really goes a long way.
> 
> ...


Lol, SB, but for me it is never enough! I don't think I could ever get enough words of affirmation, physical touch, or quality time, lol! I am like a bottomless pit!

It sounds like you have a good marriage, too. Did you husband radically change from giving you no attention to really meeting your needs?

At any rate, I am so glad for you!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jld said:


> Lol, SB, but for me it is never enough! I don't think I could ever get enough words of affirmation, physical touch, or quality time, lol! I am like a bottomless pit!aww you sound like my husband in that regard. He's definitely bottomless when it comes to physical touch and quality time. I love that the most about him. It's endearing and makes you feel so important.
> 
> It sounds like you have a good marriage, too. Did you husband radically change from giving you no attention to really meeting your needs?He has always been this way thankfully.I got rid of the guy who couldn't be bothered to give me any of his precious time
> 
> At any rate, I am so glad for you!Thank you!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Omego said:


> I guess I get enough attention, but I'm still thrilled when he makes suggestions for things to do or starts conversations, as he is not at all a chatterbox!
> 
> I also love when I get physical attention-- like when we pass each other in the hallway and he kisses and hugs me. He does it almost all of the time, but I still love it so much!
> 
> Kinda girly, isn't it?


I think it is sweet, and I am the same. 

What is your dh's personality type? My dh is INTP, and I wonder if yours is, too. I have so much respect for dh's intellect and character, but I would love more extroversion from him. I often end up asking for his attention . That works, but it would be nice to just have it gushing out of him!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Aww....jld! Yes, I'm addicted to my H's attention to me, for sure. I can't get enough. We both pour it on pretty thick, can't keep our hands off each other, can't stop thinking about each other...send loving texts every day...I love it!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Aww....jld! Yes, I'm addicted to my H's attention to me, for sure. I can't get enough. We both pour it on pretty thick, can't keep our hands off each other, can't stop thinking about each other...send loving texts every day...I love it!


That's so sweet, FW. Are you both E types?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Lol, SB, but for me it is never enough! I don't think I could ever get enough words of affirmation, physical touch, or quality time, lol!
> * I am like a bottomless pit!*


 I don't think many here realize your husband is only home less than 10 days a month !... I was so surprised to hear this on your other thread.. I would be dying with my husband gone that L O N G ....I'd attack him when he walked through the door.... not even sure I could handle it.. I have always been spoiled in this way... I took it for granted at one time... 

We were talking about this last night even.. He wanted more cuddling, more of my attention and I seemed oblivious.. but really I was still very close to him, so I think my husband is a bottomless pit.. but here in Mid Life.... that shifted on those scales and I felt I was the bottomless Pit....I can't tell you how much it has meant to me - he was so happy to oblige. 












> *My dh is INTP*


Mine is an ISFJ... he is a Feeler....he really enjoys being wrapped up in each other... wanted sexually.. spending lots of time...this has never worn him out, but uplifts him even. We're both admittedly "clingy" ..it's just what we enjoy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think many here realize your husband is only home less than 10 days a month !... I was so surprised to hear this on your other thread.. I would be dying with my husband gone that L O N G ....I'd attack him when he walked through the door.... not even sure I could handle it.. I have always been spoiled in this way... I took it for granted at one time...
> 
> We were talking about this last night even.. He wanted more cuddling, more of my attention and I seemed oblivious.. but really I was still very close to him, so I think my husband is a bottomless pit.. but here in Mid Life.... that shifted on those scales and I felt I was the bottomless Pit....I can't tell you how much it has meant to me - he was so happy to oblige.
> 
> ...


Your images are so beautiful, SA! They so nicely illustrate your text.

That is so cute about your husband wanting to cuddle and wanting attention. That is so sweet!

He sounds just like me, lol!

Dh is not like that. He is a kind man, but kind of a loner. Before he met me, he was still living in France, and he spent every weekend (not in winter, of course) out on his bicycle. He would do between 100 and 200 miles every weekend. Sometimes he would go to a bar with a friend on Sat. night, but I bet he would have been happy watching a movie or just reading, too.

Anyway, he does give me affection and attention, but I still don't think he realizes how much I need it. And I do very directly ask for it. I will just go and sit on his lap while he is watching 60 Minutes, for example. I will tell him I need a hug, and that I want a two arm hug, not just a one arm one, lol. And I will ask him if I can tell him about a discussion here, and what does he think about it? And will he please read my posts when he has a chance? 

Dh is really my rock. He is just very steady. I bring so much emotion to this relationship, that it is probably a good thing that dh does not, lol!

Btw, SA, what is your personality type?


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

Okay, I'm downright jealous of some of you here! Guess it's just more things to look forward to. 

I love whatever attention I can get from the hubs...he's normally lost somewhere in the clouds thinking on this or that issue. So when he does come down from there to specifically spend time with me, I'm thrilled.

Even a few months ago those times weren't that often. Now that I've let him know in simple terms I want more, he's more than happy to oblige.

But I'm still jealous y'all get vacay's away from the kids. I think I would just about DIE if I could get one of those!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jld said:


> I think it is sweet, and I am the same.
> 
> What is your dh's personality type? My dh is INTP, and I wonder if yours is, too. I have so much respect for dh's intellect and character, but I would love more extroversion from him. I often end up asking for his attention . That works, but it would be nice to just have it gushing out of him!


I just googled INTP and that sounds about right! If he started to become chatty and attention-seeking I'd think aliens had replaced him.

For every 20 words I pronounce, he probably says 1.5.....

I have a friend for whom it's exactly the opposite. She's the one who is solitary and her H constantly requires her attention. She says that as soon as he comes home from work, her free time is over. She has to sit with him all evening and is not allowed to engage in any sort of solitary activity.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akinaura said:


> Guess it's just more things to look forward to. *You have such a great attitude, Akinaura! That is the right way to see it!*
> 
> I love whatever attention I can get from the hubs...he's normally lost somewhere in the clouds thinking on this or that issue. So when he does come down from there to specifically spend time with me, I'm thrilled. *Do you know his personality type? He sounds like an NT or NF.*
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Omego said:


> I just googled INTP and that sounds about right! If he started to become chatty and attention-seeking I'd think aliens had replaced him.*Lol! I can totally relate!*
> 
> For every 20 words I pronounce, he probably says 1.5.....*Lol again . . . dh might get 3 in, though!*
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *Dh is not like that. He is a kind man, but kind of a loner. *Before he met me, he was still living in France, and he spent every weekend (not in winter, of course) out on his bicycle. He would do between 100 and 200 miles every weekend. Sometimes he would go to a bar with a friend on Sat. night, but I bet he would have been happy watching a movie or just reading, too.


 Actually my husband would say he was a loner too before we met...he didn't chase girls, just hung out with some friends, he rode his bike a lot -but not as much as your husband !

Mine would never ask for affection...even though he longed for it...I don't think I was asking the right questions in the past.. or enough to hit on what he deeply wanted from me...he refuses to come off as needy, this is 1 reason we missed each other in the past.. I really didn't know how he was feeling...his idea is...*"if she is not into me right now, I can wait"*.... Very patient...almost over kill. That's a Phlegmatic for you! 



> Anyway, he does give me affection and attention, but I still don't think he realizes how much I need it.
> *And I do very directly ask for it.* I will just go and sit on his lap while he is watching 60 Minutes, for example. * I will tell him I need a hug, and that I want a two arm hug, not just a one arm one, lol.* And I will ask him if I can tell him about a discussion here, and what does he think about it? *And will he please read my posts when he has a chance?*


 I am curious, does it bother you - you have *to ask* for these things? ...and hopefully not all that often... 

We talk about stuff on this forum here & there...he even asks me.... he wouldn't be reading my posts though- he'd fall asleep:sleeping: (just not his thing)... the highlights I share with him...this makes for some entertaining back & forths. 



> *Btw, SA, what is your personality type?*


I am a Choleric/ Melancholy...and ESXJ - (the X = caught between Thinking and Feeling)... In my youth I came out Introverted... even that is near half & half -depending on who I am around... If I don't feel comfortable...I would not be as Bubbly and outgoing....I have a somewhat "intense" personality (deep thinking, like to take charge, can be opinionated, enjoy playing Devils advocate -does it show!)....since the Choleric and Melancholy are both "Hard" in comparison to the more light hearted sweet Phlegmatic and Sanguine.....but I can be sweet too !


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

There's some current debate as to which specific personality he has, but it's either the FieldMarshal (ENTJ) or the Mastermind (INTJ). But you definitely nailed it jld with the "NT" part of it!

I used to be able to get some time away for just us, when we lived on the East Coast. My family lived less than a hour away and I could just run the little over for either a few hours break, or a weekend break. I haven't really had that in over a year...and I'm counting down the days until I can just get one good night's sleep again!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your dh sounds really sweet, SA. And so patient and kind. And he is lucky to have you. It sounds like you complement each other very well!

You know, before I started reading marriage boards, I had a lot more complaints about dh. I wondered why we did not take weekends away from the kids (planned by dh, of course), or why dh was not as spontaneously affectionate as I wanted him to be. But what I see from these boards is that many of us have a tendency to take for granted what our spouse does do, and focus on what they don't do. 

And sometimes when I read about spouses who do do the things I mentioned above, I realize that they may not do the things my dh does, or that they have expectations of their spouses that my dh does not. There is always a price to pay, you know?

I can't imagine having a spouse who swears at me, or calls me names. I can't imagine having dh sit me down and tell me just what will happen if I cheat on him. I can't imagine having a spouse who needs time away from me and the kids, or who gets overwhelmed by my emotion. I can't imagine being told that if I don't lose weight (I was overweight for many years when the kids were small), the marriage is over.

So I think I have a more realistic idea now about marriage, just from reading all these different experiences. It would be fun to be whisked away for a surprise trip somewhere, but just having dh tell me he wanted to take me somewhere for our 20th, and make suggestions, was a gift. Just that he initiated it (trips are usually my idea) was a gift in itself!

Dh works so much, and is gone so much, that I guess I just appreciate whatever I get. And I really do love him, even if there have been so many times when I just wanted to scream Clueless, clueless, clueless! That has to what any wife of an INTP wants to shout at some point, lol.

I need my rock, SA. Even if I don't get the romance so many lovely ladies here do. I need my source of stability and security. I can't break this man and he is not afraid of me. 

And maybe there are different definitions of romantic?

Sometime within this last year, dh told me that if something happened to me, he would not remarry. He has been thinking about this for a while, it seems, and he just doesn't feel it would be right for the kids. He said that you need to spend time with a wife, and that it would take time away from our kids, who would need him even more if something happened to me. And he said he would not want to share what we have built with someone else.

I asked him, do you realize if I died in a car accident next year, that that could mean you could go 40 years or more without sex? And he quietly said yes.

Now, I think that is a pretty big sacrifice for a 46 year old man.

I guess what I am trying to say is that he loves me very, very much. I am precious, truly priceless to him, even if I have to ask for affection.

And sorry for such a long-winded answer!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akinaura said:


> There's some current debate as to which specific personality he has, but it's either the FieldMarshal (ENTJ) or the Mastermind (INTJ). But you definitely nailed it jld with the "NT" part of it!
> 
> I used to be able to get some time away for just us, when we lived on the East Coast. My family lived less than a hour away and I could just run the little over for either a few hours break, or a weekend break. I haven't really had that in over a year...and I'm counting down the days until I can just get one good night's sleep again!


I think the nice thing about NTs is you just naturally respect them. You can't help it -- they are so smart! They are leaders.

The challenge, I think, with NTs, is that they can be clueless about feelings. They are so driven by their intellect, they just don't pay as much attention to the feeling side. This can be hard on a spouse who is an NF or SF, I think.

In the His Needs, Her Needs book, the author said that it works well when women marry men they respect and look up to. I totally have found that to be true here.

Do you know what your type is?

And I hope you sleep well soon. Sleep deprivation is such a bear!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I just LOVE it! Yesterday he ask me if I wanted to go out for New Year's Eve. You would have thought he ask me if I wanted to go to the Islands! It's been a while since we have a new baby.

Unfortunately I had to say no  I would want my Mom to keep her and I just don't want to take her out tonight as cold as it is. And I don't think I would enjoy it anyway.

But no matter how much attention, I love love love it. He loves physical attention, both our LL is touch and words of affirmation is a very close 2nd for me.

Any guys reading this thread? How do you feel about getting attention? Come on now, get in touch with your right brain side (or is it left?) LOL!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I found the following from a personality forum. It is from an INTP man:

"Some INTPs simply don't understand the need for validation others have. It's not something they do on purpose, it just escapes their mind. There's no malice either, and the INTP may very well have strong feelings for someone, they just express it in subtle ways.

It's good you talked to him about it, but bear in mind INTPs sometimes need quite some time to mull things over and reach a conclusion.

INTPs tend to have a different view of romance than most people. Words of affirmation, gifts, mushy sentimentality - some people thrive on them, to an INTP they carry no significance. Just being in a relationship and being committed, in INTP language means they are interested in a person and have some kind of attachment. With how relationships aren't really a priority to an INTP, already being in one means there is a sentiment towards the other person.

For example, I don't like to have to give forced affection to make someone feel good. If I care about them, I want to be genuine and show my affection on my own terms and in my own ways. It's not selfishness, but the 'flashy' tokens of appreciation just feel fake. I think that being Fe inferiors can sometimes create this apprehensiveness of Fe, I call it "Fe paranoia"."

Does this sound like anybody's INTP guy?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> So I think I have a more realistic idea now about marriage, just from reading all these different experiences. It would be fun to be whisked away for a surprise trip somewhere, but just having dh tell me he wanted to take me somewhere for our 20th, and make suggestions, was a gift. Just that he initiated it (trips are usually my idea) was a gift in itself!
> 
> Dh works so much, and is gone so much, that I guess I just appreciate whatever I get. And I really do love him, even if there have been so many times when I just wanted to scream Clueless, clueless, clueless! That has to what any wife of an INTP wants to shout at some point, lol.


 You have much gratitude... that's a beautiful thing. ..












> *I need my rock, SA. Even if I don't get the romance so many lovely ladies here do. I need my source of stability and security. I can't break this man and he is not afraid of me.
> 
> And maybe there are different definitions of romantic?*


 Are you ready for yet another of my threads jld !? ....Would love to hear your thoughts, on how you & hubby are.. where your Romantic bar IS...... I gave a definition of how I view *Romance*.....but true... others may see it in other ways... I broke it down into 5 views...

 http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html



> Sometime within this last year, *dh told me that if something happened to me, he would not remarry.* He has been thinking about this for a while, it seems, and he just doesn't feel it would be right for the kids. *He said that you need to spend time with a wife, and that it would take time away from our kids, who would need him even more if something happened to me. And he said he would not want to share what we have built with someone else.*


 Mine says the same thing.... that he would be busy enough with the kids.. and it wouldn't be fair to the next woman.. You know what I say in return.. you're C R A Z Y [email protected]#$ .... I'd miss the 
and I'd want a man ...seriously I would be far too lonely... my kids or friends would never satisfy what I consider the greatest part of living... Again.. ROMANCE ! 



> *I guess what I am trying to say is that he loves me very, very much. I am precious, truly priceless to him, even if I have to ask for affection.*


 Yes he does !


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is so sweet, SA, that your husband says he would not remarry either! They are crazy about us, SA. And after so many years together!

I will get on that romance thread right after I go exercise! Thanks for sharing it!


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

jld said:


> I think the nice thing about NTs is you just naturally respect them. You can't help it -- they are so smart! They are leaders.
> 
> The challenge, I think, with NTs, is that they can be clueless about feelings. They are so driven by their intellect, they just don't pay as much attention to the feeling side. This can be hard on a spouse who is an NF or SF, I think.
> 
> ...


I'm an INFJ (Idealist) through and through. As I work to regain my voice within the marriage, this is becoming more and more prevalent, LOL.

For my hubby, it isn't that he is "clueless" about feelings, just that they at worst are annoyances (negative feelings) and at best "normal but usually irrelevant" (all feelings). {His words, lol. He's looking over my shoulder}

What I've found with him is that as long as I present my need for feelings, my need to be emotional to him as a problem he can solve, things work out perfect for us. He gets to solve a problem and I get my emotional freedom.

I agree with the author of "His Needs, Her Needs" on the respect issue. If I can't respect you, I want nothing to do with you. I respect my husband immensely for his job, for allowing me to be a SAHM, for a number of other things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleep? What sleep? I haven't had good sleep in 4 years now. A suicidal elf (toddler) and chronic health issues....yeah, I gave up sleep a LONG time ago, LOL.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> That is so sweet, SA, *that your husband says he would not remarry either! *They are crazy about us, SA. And after so many years together!


Yeah BUT, many many many men say this, especially on this forum... Marry again.. OMG NO...NEVER...I'd rather be in Hell....Why...women are all a pain in the kisser!

Something like this >>









I've even joked with the husband about it.. was I THAT BAD .....I destroyed your view of women, too much to handle?? 

I know that's not how he feels at all... I just like to get a rise out of him...

The problem I would have is...Marriage has been Such a rewarding experience....love being a devoted wife...but I really don't feel I have a clue to how rough, the dynamics of game playing (no matter how much I read), how dire the dating scene would be for someone like myself in today's world... for what I would be looking for...I don't think I would find it... 



> *Akinaura said:* *For my hubby, it isn't that he is "clueless" about feelings, just that they at worst are annoyances (negative feelings) and at best "normal but usually irrelevant" (all feelings). *


Goodness, I have heard a # of men TALK like this on here.. and women about their men, it can be a real contention ...I would imagine it to be... one poster said this .... " we don't hear 80% of what you say. Pretending to listen is our plan to get you in the sack." 

Wanting to hear how other men feel.. Yep...another thread was born...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...otional-how-do-you-handle-roller-coaster.html


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## meg0980 (Dec 25, 2013)

I love that my husband pays a lot of attention to me. He doesn't ignore me and the children. Both times when I was pregnant he really didn't go out much with his friends he stayed and made sure I was happy and comfortable, same when I am sick too. I also light up and smile when his friends or people he works with will tell me how he talks about me when he hangs out with them.

H never puts me down, or curses at me and he always makes me feel special. When I am sad or feeling really down he will hold me tight and he will cheer me up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SA, I looked at the 5 types, and dh and I both think we are #4. I need to read the rest of the thread now . . .

About men not remarrying . . . that seems kind of rare to me, although I have read men here saying they are scared, financially, of another divorce. It sounds like something needs to be done about the divorce laws to make things fairer. 

Your dh does not want to remarry because no one can replace you! I think that is supreme romance!:smthumbup:

Yeah, I can't imagine how it would be to be dating again, either. Dh and I met renting rooms in the same house; how easy was that? And our whole relationship has been so easy. The conflicts have been pretty minor. And we're honest with each other, and open, so we clear the air pretty easily. And who knows? Maybe our standards are just pretty low!:rofl:


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks. Its nice to see women who appreciate their men. Today's culture has a tendency to knock men down rather than illustrate what a normal guy brings to the table each day. We men are not all idiots or bad guys and neither are we all like Christian Grey or some other fantasy guy on TV or some book. Not to knock the 50 shades books as I read the the first one and it has added a bit of spice to our marriage. 

But I have to say as an INTJ I could almost feel left out by all this praise of feelers and sensing types LOL. 

So my wife and I have what is called an old fashioned marriage and have been at it for 28 yrs/4 kids, etc. 

I have learned to bring her flowers every few weeks and I enjoy the smile it brings to her face. I help around the house, sorry I don't cook or do laundry but that could really be a good thing since my cooking skills leave much to be desired. Yes we are one of those couples that are sitting together, holding hands. I will rub her feet most evenings we sit together. We work out at the gym 4-5 days a week and we both are in good shape. 

I absolutely love physical touch, words of affirmation and companionship. My wife is not a touchy feely type at all and it is something she has to put work into as I can be an endless pit in those areas. I respect and appreciate what she does do. We actually don't see eye-to-eye on many things which has been a challenge as what I would naturally want to do or enjoy sometimes is not what she would do or want. We end up finding a common place in the end most of the time but it is rarely by following the same path. This fact seems to bring her down as it is not 100 percent her way so she doesn't ever seem to be completely happy as compromise to her is a form of failure. That is something I find sad and troubling and it can be very frustrating but the key is determining what you really want and be willing to work to get it in live and your relationship. there is a price for everything and nothing in life is free. 

I have grown into a better man because of our differences. I am one of those husbands that is spends almost all of my free time with my wife which actually can be a problem as we then don't develop friendships outside each other. This of course is less of a problem for me personally but does create a gap for my wife as I can't always be there for her since I work outside the home. She really needs more female interactions. 

I do try and lavish her with attention, flowers, hand holding, opening doors, standing when she leaves the table. I do all the home repairs I am capable off. I manage all the finances and plan all the vacations. I try to be her man in every way everyday. She in turn tries to show me the attention and respect I need inside and outside of the bedroom if you know what I mean. My point is that attention is vital to a long term relationship. It is what helps nurture and grow the deep roots that hold the ground during times of stress and makes the love all that sweater in the good times. 

Thank you to all the posters on here as it makes me feel like there are happy couples out there. People, can find happiness in marriage. 

Have a great 2014.


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