# Am I overreacting?



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm a sahm to a 2 and a half year old boy and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband works second shift, starting work in the late morning and gets home around 7:30 pm. He has one day off during the week and then Sunday off, too. Every day that he works, I get up with our son between 6:30 and 7 am(or earlier depending on when he wakes up) and my husband sleeps in until 9 am. One his 2 days off he typically lets me sleep in, so I can catch up on some zzz :sleeping:. 

This last week, my husband had an upper endoscopy done for acid reflux issues on his week day off and I took care of him that day, letting him take a 3 hour nap to sleep off the drowsiness from the twilight sleep he was under while I dealt with our wild toddler. When Sunday rolled around I was so excited to finally be able to sleep in! I was looking forward to finally being able to sleep more, since this first trimester exhaustion has been kicking my butt. At 6:15 am my husband got up with our son and took him to the kitchen to go get breakfast and I stayed in bed to go back to sleep. At 7:20 am I hear our son banging on the door. I wait for my husband to grab him to allow me to sleep, but he doesn't. Our son gets the door open and climbs up into bed with me, telling me to wake up. When I get up with our son, my husband is still sitting reclined on the couch. I jump in the shower and our toddler joins me. After I give my husband a :wtf: look and he doesn't get it. He doesn't think it's a big deal. He just says, "well your parents are coming later to take our son out, so you can sleep later". Really? All I wanted was one day to sleep in. I don't feel like I ask for much and he can't even do this. Of course he comes up with excuses and says he "felt tired, felt like he was getting sick," etc. which is why he didn't get off the couch to get our son away from the door. I'm pissed at that point. I don't get why he can't do such a simple thing for me. I let him sleep in almost every single day, yet I can barely get a day to sleep in. 

Am I overreacting or do I have a right to be upset?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm a sahm to a 2 and a half year old boy and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband works second shift, starting work in the late morning and gets home around 7:30 pm. He has one day off during the week and then Sunday off, too. Every day that he works, I get up with our son between 6:30 and 7 am(or earlier depending on when he wakes up) and my husband sleeps in until 9 am. One his 2 days off he typically lets me sleep in, so I can catch up on some zzz :sleeping:.
> 
> This last week, my husband had an upper endoscopy done for acid reflux issues on his week day off and I took care of him that day, letting him take a 3 hour nap to sleep off the drowsiness from the twilight sleep he was under while I dealt with our wild toddler. When Sunday rolled around I was so excited to finally be able to sleep in! I was looking forward to finally being able to sleep more, since this first trimester exhaustion has been kicking my butt. At 6:15 am my husband got up with our son and took him to the kitchen to go get breakfast and I stayed in bed to go back to sleep. At 7:20 am I hear our son banging on the door. I wait for my husband to grab him to allow me to sleep, but he doesn't. Our son gets the door open and climbs up into bed with me, telling me to wake up. When I get up with our son, my husband is still sitting reclined on the couch. I jump in the shower and our toddler joins me. After I give my husband a :wtf: look and he doesn't get it. He doesn't think it's a big deal. He just says, "well your parents are coming later to take our son out, so you can sleep later". Really? All I wanted was one day to sleep in. I don't feel like I ask for much and he can't even do this. Of course he comes up with excuses and says he "felt tired, felt like he was getting sick," etc. which is why he didn't get off the couch to get our son away from the door. I'm pissed at that point. I don't get why he can't do such a simple thing for me. I let him sleep in almost every single day, yet I can barely get a day to sleep in.
> 
> Am I overreacting or do I have a right to be upset?


From what you describe here, this seems like an isolated incident.

Given your reaction, I am wondering if there is more to this story. Perhaps some other resentments you carry are bleeding over into this situation?

If this is actually as simple as it sounds on face value, then yes, I think you should cut him some slack.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Maybe he wanted to relax some in the morning on 1 of his days off, he is right if your parents were coming to get him you could nap later.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> From what you describe here, this seems like an isolated incident.
> 
> Given your reaction, I am wondering if there is more to this story. Perhaps some other resentments you carry are bleeding over into this situation?
> 
> If this is actually as simple as it sounds on face value, then yes, I think you should cut him some slack.


This is a continuation of his selfish actions. He thinks more about himself than anyone else. He shoves my wet bath towel to the side, instead of laying it out to dry while he showers. He sure makes sure his towel is spread out to dry though. He'll put away his laundry and leave mine out or if he tries he still has no idea where everything goes. After so many years, he still can't figure out tank tops go in the 3rd drawer? It's not that hard. I put all of his clothes away each week. He just doesn't seem to care enough to try. I asked him to plan our date day for Sunday, since my parents took our son out for the day, and he came up with nothing. I'm tired of putting in effort to get basically nothing in return.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Lostme said:


> Maybe he wanted to relax some in the morning on 1 of his days off, he is right if your parents were coming to get him you could nap later.


So when is my day off to sleep in? 

He could have just as easily napped later on.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Wow, you sound like a peach.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I am going to say yes, it's overreacting for this specific event (although his behavior in general leads to it being more of a problem) but also you got a lot of stress and reasons to be tired too so I get it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> So when is my day off to sleep in?
> 
> He could have just as easily napped later on.


Do you have a lot of competitiveness in your marriage? Scorekeeping?

I understand the value and importance of sleeping in, but if this is something he usually accommodates, if this is a one time thing, it may be good to consider letting it go.

How would your husband react if there was something you regularly did, but he had to pick up the slack once because you weren't feeling well? Being in the early stages of pregnancy, I have a feeling he will have plenty of opportunity to make this one time thing up to you.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

If this thread is about the resentments built up in your marriage perhaps you should outline what you think the issues really are instead of going after this one (imho, isolated) incident.

Your husband still got up at 6:15 and occupied your son for another hour before he apparently felt tired and sick and let him go off and get you.

I would guess that you are letting other resentments seep into this particular moment.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Do you have a lot of competitiveness in your marriage? Scorekeeping?
> 
> I understand the value and importance of sleeping in, but if this is something he usually accommodates, if this is a one time thing, it may be good to consider letting it go.
> 
> How would your husband react if there was something you regularly did, but he had to pick up the slack once because you weren't feeling well? Being in the early stages of pregnancy, I have a feeling he will have plenty of opportunity to make this one time thing up to you.


No. I don't ask much of him at all. He has his job and doesn't have to lift a finger at home(I do all house chores, cooking, errands, yard work, child care, and home improvement). I hope and expect him to be involved with our son, but I still do a majority of childcare(middle of the night wakings, early morning wakings, putting him to bed every night). I have maybe been able to sleep in once a week, as typically either Sunday or his week day off we have something going on and it doesn't happen. I stay up late at night with him so we can have time together, even though I have to be up early while he can sleep in til 9 am. I'm exhausted. 

He is not getting sick and feels fine, so this isn't some rare occurrence where he needs me to step up. He always has a "headache". It's his frequent excuse to get out of doing things he doesn't want to. He has rarely ever made up for bad actions in the past, so I don't see him going out of his way to make up for this if past actions have any prediction of the future. He did very little for me when I was pregnant with our son. I'm just fed up with his actions.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> No. I don't ask much of him at all. He has his job and doesn't have to lift a finger at home(I do all house chores, cooking, errands, yard work, child care, and home improvement). I hope and expect him to be involved with our son, but I still do a majority of childcare(middle of the night wakings, early morning wakings, putting him to bed every night). I have maybe been able to sleep in once a week, as typically either Sunday or his week day off we have something going on and it doesn't happen. I stay up late at night with him so we can have time together, even though I have to be up early while he can sleep in til 9 am. I'm exhausted.
> 
> He is not getting sick and feels fine, so this isn't some rare occurrence where he needs me to step up. He always has a "headache". It's his frequent excuse to get out of doing things he doesn't want to. He has rarely ever made up for bad actions in the past, so I don't see him going out of his way to make up for this if past actions have any prediction of the future. He did very little for me when I was pregnant with our son. I'm just fed up with his actions.


As I asked you in my initial response, this context completely changes the meaning of your initial post...So this is just another addition to a long list of resentment, and perhaps feeling taken for granted?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Seems to me like there are 2 possibilities. 

#1, Hubby is an absolute inconsiderate douche bag in which case it doesn't really matter how you approach him, he will blow you off. 

#2, He's a normal guy that thinks like a guy and not an emotional women and is therefore somewhat oblivious to all this stuff running around in your head (and out on to the screen here  ). In this case, if you talked to him reasonably and explained your frustrations there is a pretty good chance he would come around. 

And, BTW, talking to him reasonably will not sound anything like the summary of all these naggy, *****y posts you have written here. It will of course bring up ALL these issues but in a different tone. Cause the tone is a turn off...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

This is one of those issues that really is about the whole big picture, as a stand alone incident then not so bad but when you look at the whole then it is looking more about resentment. Pregnancy tiredness can be debilitating especially with a full on toddler, it is one of those things that unless you have BTDT it would be hard to truly understand.

You are such a sweetie and no I don't think you were over reacting but from an outsiders POV there are some major shifts you both need to make or life is just going to continue to get more and more resentment filled. I understand the sleep issue, I still struggle with it and my kids are great big teenagers now. Some weeks I know there is only going to be one chance to sleep in and then boom, one of the rugrats will wake me up for some silly reason and the over tiredness makes me grumpy. So now they are under threat to only wake me if their arse is actually on fire and even then give it a second thought, it took some humour but now they get it. No solution for you but you have my sympathy for the extreme tiredness, sorry to say this is not going to change for many years. 

Can you sit down with your husband and talk this out? Would he listen, understand? 

I'm not usually one to suggest pay back but you have shown him by example the right way to treat a partner well, to take care of them, what would happen if you showed him the opposite? Let the toddler wake him up, stop putting his laundry away, leave his towel on the floor? I'm not sure selfish people can change but maybe it is worth a try if he won't listen to your concerns.

Have you had your iron levels checked?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

In my mind a SAHM, since they do not bring in any money, helping out in that way, have to realize that their only responsibility is the children and if you don't get to rest as you would like, that's tough. I'm sure your husband would like a rest from his job now and then but he doesn't get it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> In my mind a SAHM, since they do not bring in any money, helping out in that way, have to realize that their only responsibility is the children and if you don't get to rest as you would like, that's tough. I'm sure your husband would like a rest from his job now and then but he doesn't get it.


So she is going through pregnancy exhaustion, works longer hours than her husband and she is not allowed one morning a week to sleep in?
Raising a family is supposed to be a joint effort. Partners are supposed to take care of each other. She is not his slave.

And having done both in my life, going out to work full time is by far the easier of the two roles.

TBH Anon by you doing pretty much of everything to run the home you have made a rod for your own back. The comment quoted here highlights that attitude perfectly.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

The issue sounds like a stressed, tired, sahm in need of some self-care rather than a selfish husband.

Unfortunately, you did overreact to the situation. Could he have been more empathetic to your exhaustion...yes...but you could also tell him EXACTLY what you needed (x amount of time for uninterrupted sleep). IMO it is disrespectful to assume he knows this intuitively. 

The other examples you gave, such as the laundry...again, it's disrespectful on your part to keep score with you putting his laundry away when he doesn't reciprocate. If your motivation for doing his in the first place is to get him to do the same, then just stop doing it. 

I would recommend you read the 5 love languages or His Needs, Her Needs. These are two good books that help us to understand our needs and our spouses needs and how we can minister to each other appropriately. No more need for mind reading.

It sounds like you and your husband should sit down and outline areas where you could meet the other's needs.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

In a perfect world he would of thought of you and figured you would want to sleep in, but it ain't a perfect world and he obviously isn't the considerate type or a mind reader. 

Wouldn't it have been easy the night before to just say "hey, can you take care of JR in the morning so I can sleep in?".


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Cooper said:


> In a perfect world he would of thought of you and figured you would want to sleep in, but it ain't a perfect world and he obviously isn't the considerate type or a mind reader.
> 
> Wouldn't it have been easy the night before to just say "hey, can you take care of JR in the morning so I can sleep in?".


We already talked about it and he knew he was supposed to watch our son while I slept in. This wasn't some surprise experience that I just shoved him out of the bed in the morning for. He knew exactly what was supposed to happen. He was just too lazy to get off the couch to make sure our son didn't wake me up. I do that all week for him while he sleeps in til 9am, but he couldn't be considerate enough to do that once this last week for me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you two gone to marriage counseling?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Have you two gone to marriage counseling?


No. I'm not sure if he would go for it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You overreacted.
He doesn't see what kind of horribly stressful and unappreciated and 24/7 your life is. That's not all his fault. He hasn't done it. 

But, the man provides for you and your kids and from your own description, tries to help you out some. 

You are tied down 24/7 with your kids, but have some leeway because you are your boss. He works outside the home and has to be there on time and please his boss and fellow colleagues. Both your jobs have major negatives.

He doesn't seem to choose to be resentful about his role. You seem to be hugely resentful of yours. You live it. I don't know what's fair.

You've got to figure out what you need from him and tell him and hold him to it. Otherwise, you'll eventually let bitterness and resentment destroy your feelings for your husband. 

Before you get the splinter out of his eye......

I am divorced. I was lazy about helping around the house like I should, and about the kids. But I loved my wife. I do all the work cooking, cleaning, and such for my 3 kids during my week now. So I see how I messed up. It wouldn't have made a difference-- but I see now.

Live your husband for what he is. Take care of yourself. If you need free time, tell him. If you are displeased about this, tell him. If you're still unhappy, tell him. Don't give up telling him.

I hope it works out. The truth is, you being able to stay home raising your kids is a blessing, not a curse. At least try to appreciate that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm a sahm to a 2 and a half year old boy and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband works second shift, starting work in the late morning and gets home around 7:30 pm. He has one day off during the week and then Sunday off, too. Every day that he works, I get up with our son between 6:30 and 7 am(or earlier depending on when he wakes up) and my husband sleeps in until 9 am. One his 2 days off he typically lets me sleep in, so I can catch up on some zzz :sleeping:.
> 
> This last week, my husband had an upper endoscopy done for acid reflux issues on his week day off and I took care of him that day, letting him take a 3 hour nap to sleep off the drowsiness from the twilight sleep he was under while I dealt with our wild toddler. When Sunday rolled around I was so excited to finally be able to sleep in! I was looking forward to finally being able to sleep more, since this first trimester exhaustion has been kicking my butt. At 6:15 am my husband got up with our son and took him to the kitchen to go get breakfast and I stayed in bed to go back to sleep. At 7:20 am I hear our son banging on the door. I wait for my husband to grab him to allow me to sleep, but he doesn't. Our son gets the door open and climbs up into bed with me, telling me to wake up. When I get up with our son, my husband is still sitting reclined on the couch. I jump in the shower and our toddler joins me. After I give my husband a :wtf: look and he doesn't get it. He doesn't think it's a big deal. He just says, "well your parents are coming later to take our son out, so you can sleep later". Really? All I wanted was one day to sleep in. I don't feel like I ask for much and he can't even do this. Of course he comes up with excuses and says he "felt tired, felt like he was getting sick," etc. which is why he didn't get off the couch to get our son away from the door. I'm pissed at that point. I don't get why he can't do such a simple thing for me. I let him sleep in almost every single day, yet I can barely get a day to sleep in.
> 
> Am I overreacting or do I have a right to be upset?


I love being lazy as much as the next guy, but I don't understand your husband. He was awake already, you live in a condo IIRC, why not just walk twenty feet and stop your son? How relaxing could it be to listen to him bang on the door?

Also, it's not too early for you and him both to teach your son not to wake people up unless there is a fire.

If your husband is feeling overworked, he should consider using a day of vacation time to catch his breath.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> In my mind a SAHM, since they do not bring in any money, helping out in that way, have to realize that their only responsibility is the children and if you don't get to rest as you would like, that's tough. I'm sure your husband would like a rest from his job now and then but he doesn't get it.


This kind of attitude is one of the big reasons I went back to work. 

I wouldn't expect someone who's never been at home with kids, especially when pregnant, to get this, but stay at home parenting is 24/7. Literally 24/7.

Oh, you have a day job and want to "relax" on your day off? Well that's tough.....this is a partnership. I had no idea that keeping a day job meant you then contributed nothing at home. Let's see, that means I get to work my day, sleep my 8 hours and then literally do nothing but relax and do for me the rest of the time; sounds like a heck of a deal.

I work full time now at a fairly demanding job and I get WAY more relax time then I ever did when I stayed at home, and if I don't feel like doing something I don't have to answer to my boss, I mean working husband.



When my husband was laid off from his job he did most of the housework and cooking but I still did things to contribute, and if he'd had a rough day I had no problem stepping up to handle things. After I'd worked the whole day. That's what you do as a team.....I would never have taken the attitude that he wasn't bringing in money so I'm doing nothing to contribute at home.

So since this is not an isolated incident OP I'd suggest you do two things: first, lower your expectations. Your husband is a little on the lazy side so expect him to behave like it.

Second, stop doing everything for him; sure you can basically keep the house and cook meals but let him put his own damn laundry away. Take care of your son, make meals and keep the house running but do not go out of your way for him one iota. He does his job and then goes off duty, do you do the same. Do your basic job and then go off duty.

Unless he decides that this is in fact a partnership, then you can revisit.

If this incident was isolated I'd say to let it go, but since it isn't my above advice stands.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> I love being lazy as much as the next guy, but I don't understand your husband. He was awake already, you live in a condo IIRC, why not just walk twenty feet and stop your son? How relaxing could it be to listen to him bang on the door?
> 
> Also, it's not too early for you and him both to teach your son not to wake people up unless there is a fire.
> 
> If your husband is feeling overworked, he should consider using a day of vacation time to catch his breath.


Yes, we're in a small 2 bedroom 1 bath condo. Its less then 20 feet from the couch to our bedroom door. Our son knows not to wake up my husband because I make sure he stays quiet every morning when I'm up with him. There are many times our son wants to go wake him up, but I don't allow it and we stay quiet until 9 am when he gets up. I let my husband sleep in so he can feel rested for work. My husband is super stressed out lately with new goal requirements at work, so I know that is something weighing on him, but I was hoping for one day to relax myself. He's had all week to sleep in and be taken care of, that I thought he could give me that one day in return, but I guess it was too much to ask.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Yes, we're in a small 2 bedroom 1 bath condo. Its less then 20 feet from the couch to our bedroom door. Our son knows not to wake up my husband because I make sure he stays quiet every morning when I'm up with him. There are many times our son wants to go wake him up, but I don't allow it and we stay quiet until 9 am when he gets up. I let my husband sleep in so he can feel rested for work. My husband is super stressed out lately with new goal requirements at work, so I know that is something weighing on him, but I was hoping for one day to relax myself. He's had all week to sleep in and be taken care of, that I thought he could give me that one day in return, but I guess it was too much to ask.


How late does your husband stay up?

I don't think it would kill him or cost him his job to let you sleep in one morning before he goes to work to make up for this (unless maybe he works in a hazardous setting). Just tell him you're super tired and could really use a day to sleep in.

Is there any angle or tactic that's worked in the past to get through to him?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's not too much to ask. But you may have to be persistent.

A7, there were things I bugged Dug about for years before he started taking initiative. But then he started doing them, and wondered why he waited so long.

I don't think you should do anything for a man that he can do for himself, unless you truly want to, of course. I have been a SAHM for decades, but we in the family all help with cooking/cleaning responsibilities. We all live here, after all.

Little kids are so tough. So many times I thought I was losing my mind. Dug probably thought I was losing it, too. 

Hang in there, girlfriend! Those babies are worth it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You overreacted.
> He doesn't see what kind of horribly stressful and unappreciated and 24/7 your life is. That's not all his fault. He hasn't done it.
> 
> But, the man provides for you and your kids and from your own description, tries to help you out some.
> ...


I highly enjoy being home with my son, but I do not like the way my husband treats me. It has been great watching my son learn and grow. He's very intelligent, independent for his age, sweet, and challenging(high needs/strong willed child). It's been the best decision for his health, since he was born with breathing issues, so keeping him out of daycare has spared him from hospital stays. Him getting sick can turn serious quickly, but luckily as he is getting older, the issues are getting better. We chose together that I would stay home when he switched jobs several months ago. He often complains about his job and I listen to him and support him.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> In my mind a SAHM, since they do not bring in any money, helping out in that way, have to realize that their only responsibility is the children and if you don't get to rest as you would like, that's tough. I'm sure your husband would like a rest from his job now and then but he doesn't get it.


Wow. Yikes. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> How late does your husband stay up?
> 
> I don't think it would kill him or cost him his job to let you sleep in one morning before he goes to work to make up for this (unless maybe he works in a hazardous setting). Just tell him you're super tired and could really use a day to sleep in.
> 
> Is there any angle or tactic that's worked in the past to get through to him?


I stay up with him until around 11:30 pm or so. Lately we've gone to bed a little earlier because I'm just too tired to stay up that late anymore. He works in finance, so it's not hazardous(not factory work or anything). I doubt he would go for that though because he always talks about how he needs his sleep in order to do his best at work. My next chance to actually sleep in is this next Sunday. On his day of during the week, he has a dmv appointment to fix an issue for our address(somehow they have the wrong address). He just tells me that I can sleep when our toddler does, so I can't complain, but that's not always possible. Sometimes our toddler doesn't nap or I need to make phone calls while he is asleep(I had 3 that I did this last week - insurance issue, making an ob appointment, calling about his medication). I don't know of any tactic that works well. The last time he made a big change was when I told him I was done and meant it.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Do you you feel you need to wait up for him? I'd suggest going to bed as soon as you feel you might fall asleep. If he doesn't like it maybe he can start letting you sleep on more.

Also, if he is going to bed at 11:30 and needs to sleep until 9 there may be a medical issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> Do you you feel you need to wait up for him? I'd suggest going to bed as soon as you feel you might fall asleep. If he doesn't like it maybe he can start letting you sleep on more.


Good idea, EBS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> Do you you feel you need to wait up for him? I'd suggest going to bed as soon as you feel you might fall asleep. If he doesn't like it maybe he can start letting you sleep on more.
> 
> Also, if he is going to bed at 11:30 and needs to sleep until 9 there may be a medical issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya. I stay up because he talks about us needing couple time, but I'm having a hard time with exhaustion. It's a lot harder dealing with this pregnancy since we have a 2 and a half year old. I have been going to bed earlier because I just can't keep myself awake that long now. 

The times he goes to bed can vary and he doesn't always actually sleep until 9 am, but he will stay in our room until then. I've gotten on him about it before, but he "needs" that down time. He loves to hang it over my head that he is the one who brings in the income. He'll sit in bed and check facebook, pray the novena, or read while I'm in the living room or kitchen with our toddler. He actually lied to my face when I first confronted him on it, saying he was sleeping in that late, while I could see his pillow propped up against the top of the bed. I don't know why he thinks I'm that stupid. I told him to never lie to me again.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lying is a terrible trust killer. And feeling like you have to get after your husband is a respect killer.

Tell him to make another plan for couple time. You need your sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Ya. *I stay up because he talks about us needing couple time,* but I'm having a hard time with exhaustion. It's a lot harder dealing with this pregnancy since we have a 2 and a half year old. I have been going to bed earlier because I just can't keep myself awake that long now.


What he actually means is _he_ needs couple time. Which is all fine and good except that I'm not sure why you'd want couple time when he's not thinking of your needs.

There you have it. You're going to have to hold back something that he wants if you're going to get him to step up. If he's not going to be considerate of your needs in the morning, couple time is going to take a hit. Not the best thing for a marriage. The pregnant wife getting up early so the husband can sleep in five days a week is also not the best thing for a marriage, so I'm sorry you have this dilemma.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Also, that trying to control you with money thing has to go. It is the family's money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I need quiet time in the mornings too but that means I wake up before everyone to get it, not hide in my room. If I chose to sleep a little later, I've chosen to give up my quiet time. 

When I was on mat leave I tried to do as little as possible on weekends and evenings (when he was off) I worked (chores, food prep, paperwork, etc) when he was at work and only did the very basics when we were both off. Weekends was only shopping and cooking and the kids, no cleaning, no big home jobs. 

You need breaks too and the fact that he can come home and not have to also do 50% of the cooking and cleaning is a big help to him. He should appreciate that and help you when he can. 
I know he has been expressing on and off that he wants you to work but with being pregnant that's going to be hard to get hired.

With another baby coming, I don't know how much better the situation is going to get. He gets stressed so easy and the added expenses of a newborn and the even less sleep for you + trying to deal with a baby and toddler together he needs to be able to both step up to help and manage his stress better.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Being pregnant with a toddler is insanely hard no matter what. I have a five year old, two year old and right month old baby. When I was pregnant the second and third time I used to literally fall asleep on the floor with no pillow because I was trying to be with my toddler. 

It did sound like you overreacted at that moment but it is normal to "overreact" when you're physically exhausted. It'svery hard to appreciate all your husband does when you're feeling like you literally CANNOT keep your eyes open and you're hormonal as hell.

Id tell him that at least during the first trimester you have to go to bed early. Couple time can come later as your health and the baby's health comes first. This is a difficult but temporary situation and you're both going to have to make sacrifices for it. 

I'd try to go eAsy on him about the little things like laundry though, he might just not be organized or pay attention to those things because he figures you'll do it. I love my husband but I never pay attention to things like when the car is due for repairs because he takes care of all that.

However you sound resentful about the fact that you feel unappreciated in general. I went through this myself as well. I think a lot of men don't realize just how hard it is to be pregnant. The exhaustion is debilitating and you feel so clingy and just want to be worshipped.

I think he also should not dangle the whole money thing over you . That is not fair to you . However, I wonder if it's possible that he's doing that because he doesn't feel appreciated either. 

I think it wouldn't hurt to try to tell him how lucky you are to have a husband who will support you financially but also make it clear to him that your health needs to be the biggest priority right now.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You've complained ab your husband for so long, so why did you get pregnant Again? From what you have said, he was the same during your first pregnancy and didn't do too much to help you with your son, so what makes you think he will be any different this time?


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

karole said:


> You've complained ab your husband for so long, so why did you get pregnant Again? From what you have said, he was the same during your first pregnancy and didn't do too much to help you with your son, so what makes you think he will be any different this time?


This seems less than helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> Also, if he is going to bed at 11:30 and needs to sleep until 9 there may be a medical issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true. Although, in my mind, I think it's a 'I don't have to do stuff or help if I'm sleeping' issue.

FWIW, OP, I'm not a parent so I have no earthly idea what you're going through, but I can imagine the exhaustion. In this case, I don't think you overreacted. _At all_.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

Ahh, dearie, *hugs* being pregnant sucks. I hate it. You are PRIME for hormones to drive you batty. You are also really tired. A toddler and first trimester drain. To be honest with you, yeah, I think you're overreacting this time. Not that overreacting isn't ok. It sounds like you were letting some frustrations build and this is the drop that overfilled your cup. Second shift is poopy, not as bad as third shift, but still. Honestly, it's nice that he even got up with your toddler. I'm still working on my husband. Mine never gets up with the baby. Ever. But, that's an acceptable issue for me. Every now and then I get pissy and feel like I'm due for a break. I've found though, I actually have to tell him. He won't just "assume" to do it for me. Not that we say it's a your job/my job kind of thing... but it is. I put the baby to bed and I get the baby up in the morning. I'm better at it and the baby prefers mommy right now anyway. In a few years, I'll be chump change and he'll want daddy all the time. So, when I'm feeling really tired and that I need to sleep in. I will tell my husband that I need him to help me. I tell him what I need. Then he's on board  But if I just waited for him to magically read my mind and know when it mattered... It would never happen. 

WHen a little calmer, maybe you can talk to him about how he might be able to help you more... or if his time doesn't allow. Maybe he could contact some friends or family to come help you out. Maybe he can send someone over to watch the toddler so you can go out and just be alone and out of the house to rejuvenate.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I am currently 6weeks pregnant (so i know how you feel about exhaustion!) and my husband stays at home with our 17mth old. Anyone who thinks that going out to work everyday is harder than staying at home with a child is living in a dream land.

I'm a big believer in 'you decide how people treat you'. Your husband behaves the way he does because he doesn't have any consequences that would make him change his behavior.

To make my point over your current issue I would spend the next week not stopping your son from going in and waking your husband in the morning. I guarantee that would get his attention.

Don't be a doormat.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

karole said:


> You've complained ab your husband for so long, so why did you get pregnant Again? From what you have said, he was the same during your first pregnancy and didn't do too much to help you with your son, so what makes you think he will be any different this time?


Because for the last several months we were doing great. He switched jobs, we had a good routine going, life was looking good. In the last month-ish, things have changed and gotten much worse.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I keep reading people saying that I should talk to him about it, but I already have. There was another time on Sunday our son whined for me, so my husband came back to bed and said "well he wants you, so I'm going back to sleep". No, no. I told him I really need to catch up on the sleep I miss all week while he sleeps in, but none of that seems to sink into his head. He just says, "you can sleep when our son sleeps", but that's not always feasible, since our son doesn't always nap or I have phone calls or other things to do while he is napping. It's impossible to make phone calls while he is awake because he's too loud and wild. We've talked about this issue before, even more so lately since I've gotten pregnant, and I just don't think he gets it. I've shown him information about first trimester issues(exhaustion being one of them) and he says he understands, but doesn't really act like it.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

You've had communication issue since your honeymoon...if you feel that he is not reasonable to sit down and have a truly maure and open conversation about this (or any other issue) then you need to ramp it up to the next step (counseling)...if he refuses to do that, then you really need to evaluate what your boundaries how on how he treats you...If he really disregards your needs then you need to decide if this is the kind of marriage that you are willing to live in moving forward...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> In my mind a SAHM, since they do not bring in any money, helping out in that way, have to realize that their only responsibility is the children and if you don't get to rest as you would like, that's tough. I'm sure your husband would like a rest from his job now and then but he doesn't get it.


Wow. :surprise:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> I keep reading people saying that I should talk to him about it, but I already have. There was another time on Sunday our son whined for me, so my husband came back to bed and said "well he wants you, so I'm going back to sleep". No, no. I told him I really need to catch up on the sleep I miss all week while he sleeps in, but none of that seems to sink into his head. He just says, "you can sleep when our son sleeps", but that's not always feasible, since our son doesn't always nap or I have phone calls or other things to do while he is napping. It's impossible to make phone calls while he is awake because he's too loud and wild. We've talked about this issue before, even more so lately since I've gotten pregnant, and I just don't think he gets it. I've shown him information about first trimester issues(exhaustion being one of them) and he says he understands, but doesn't really act like it.


I hear you A7. I also think that this one incident on it's own isn't what drove you to post. It's the latest in a string of things and it was the straw that broke the camels back. 

You've tried talking and that didn't work, so now you take action. Stop keeping your toddler quiet in the mornings. Your husband gets home at 7.30pm, why does he need to sleep in until 9am?? 

He says you can sleep when toddler sleeps? Great! Give him the list of phone calls that need to be made and he can do it from work, so you can sleep when toddler's sleeping.

And in the evenings, when you're absolutely exhausted, sweetie, you go to bed early. Hopefully you'll have more energy when you hit your second trimester, but for now, you need as much sleep as you can get.

Big hugs x


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

MommaGx3 said:


> Second shift is poopy, not as bad as third shift, but still. Honestly, it's nice that he even got up with your toddler.


OP later clarified that her husband works 11-7:30, presumably meaning that first shift and second shift overlap during the day at some point. I would have assumed the same thing you did. 

IMO there is a world of difference between working 11-7:30 and working 3:30-11:30.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Are you signed up with What To Expect? They will apparently auto-generate emails to dads with mom's info in the From field. Ask me how I know. 

You could also take matters into your own hands and share the below link to him _privately_on FB. If he follows half of the advice in the article I think it would be an improvement. Or it might start a fight, so use your own judgment.

Dad's Guide to Pregnancy: Month 2 | What to Expect


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> OP later clarified that her husband works 11-7:30, presumably meaning that first shift and second shift overlap during the day at some point. I would have assumed the same thing you did.
> 
> IMO there is a world of difference between working 11-7:30 and working 3:30-11:30.


The 3:30 to 11:30 would basically be their third shift at his work. Well it's 2:30 to 10pm, but close enough. All the shifts overlap. He thought about taking that shift, but I said absolutely not, as I am not doing dinner and bed time all by myself every night. No way. Plus, I'd never see him that way and we'd become more like roommates.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

"Do I have the right to be upset?" is one of my favorite genres of post, bc it's nearly always the wrong question to ask. Is this a trial or a marriage? Do you want a bunch of strangers to vindicate you, or do you want to figure out how to improve the situation?

You need to communicate better with him. If he's not getting the point, you need to figure out how to make it clearer to him, how to get his attention. There are different approaches, some sweet, some harsh, and I can't tell you what will work best. But start trying. Learn to assert yourself. And also, learn to pick your battles, just like you do with a kid. Maybe your husband is naturally a little oblivious/self-absorbed/absent-minded. If he's not a complete abusive ******* or narcissist, if he has other good qualities, if there's some good reason you're staying married to him, then you need to pick and choose what the important points are. Maybe he'll never learn to put away your laundry AND spread out your towel AND always give you the nap you want. Which of these is most important, which can you let slide? Maybe you're not perfect, and maybe he lets some of your faults slide too.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

Also, you're pregnant. So you're probably more sensitive than usual. And if your husband hasn't figured that out by now, you should probably remind him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> Are you signed up with What To Expect? They will apparently auto-generate emails to dads with mom's info in the From field. Ask me how I know.
> 
> You could also take matters into your own hands and share the below link to him _privately_on FB. If he follows half of the advice in the article I think it would be an improvement. Or it might start a fight, so use your own judgment.
> 
> Dad's Guide to Pregnancy: Month 2 | What to Expect


No. Second pregnancy and haven't been as closely following it as I did the first time around. I used to know exactly how far along I am, but it's more like an estimate this time. I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, but too tired to figure out exactly where I am. 

Thank you for the link. Don't know how he'll react to it. I never get food cravings or make him go get me stuff. I'm easy going.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm not cooking and doing bedtime.

I'm not sleeping when the toddler sleeps because I've got to be on the phone. 

My husband doesn't do xyz.

You are constantly bellyaching about your life as a stay at home mom, YET you choose to get pregnant again. 

Your husband is doing his part and trying to help with yours, seemingly without complaint.
You might as well divorce him. He will never be able to please you.
Just my opinion. Others may vary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Because for the last several months we were doing great. He switched jobs, we had a good routine going, life was looking good. In the last month-ish, things have changed and gotten much worse.


Ok I've been reading more of your posts and I have to say I find something a little, IDK, immature in your attitude? A little bit whiny?

You chose this man, you married him, you got pregnant by him. Things in marriages get better and worse constantly. People try to change, they make progress, they slip again, they make more progress, they slip more. That's the rest of your life with him. He's going to be the same man, with some potential moments of improvement, but the same man. It's possible to get better results from the same man. It's possible to learn to be more accepting of the same man. But he'll be the same man. A board of strangers can't free you from your marriage. 

I think you've gotten a lot of advice ITT on how you might get him to change his behavior. Some of it may work. But coming back here every time it doesn't -- "Ugh, I tried talking to him but it didn't work!" is sort of a failure to face your marriage. No matter what judgment people here pass on your husband, no matter how correct or righteous, you're the one living with him and he's the one living with you, and that won't change (unless one of you moves out). If the marriage is worth staying in, you don't throw your hands up, you either keep trying until you fix the problem to your satisfaction, or you accept the way things are.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

How are you feeling today?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

FYI... an easy way to take a nap with a toddler who doesn't want to take a nap of his own....

take him to his room, close the door, make a squishy bed on the floor in front of the door......and lay down and take your nap. Even if he plays loudly, you'll get some rest. 

It worked for me.....with 2 toddlers, and 3 toddlers....and 4. 

Make things work out for you in spite of him. ***** about it, talk about it, whatever....... but make things work out so that YOU are ok. You are going to get LESS sleep once #2 gets here. 

It's not going to get easier, but it's as hard as you make it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That's the key here. She has to find ways to make her own life easier, and happier. Stop putting her unhappiness off on her husband, and blaming him for everything. There's a ton of things she can do to make everyone's life easier if she will start concentrating on what she can so and not what he can do.

He should most definitely help out.
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