# I messed up



## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

Around a month ago, in the throws of a funk, I looked up a guy that I use to give blow jobs to in the bathroom of my high school. I was feeling particularly low that Friday. My husband had left to go hunting and I was left with feelings of anger from a fight we had had. I felt like I couldn't do anything right and at the same time numb. I was thinking about cutting myself, which I hadn't done since high school. And my mind drifted to J. I hadn't thought about him in a long time and wondered what he was up to. Apparently, nothing good because when I looked him up he was in jail. I shouldn't have looked him up and I shouldn't sent him a message but stupid me did. I sent the message to see how he was, I didn't give him a phone number but apparently the message links the phone number to the account. 
Sunday, he called and we talked for awhile before my husband came home from his hunting trip. He asked if he could call again and I told him my lunch time for Monday. We talked for a while on Monday and then did a video chat. Talked about life and all those years ago and the what ifs. Feelings of excitement and thrill were there. Tuesday, I woke up feeling low, suicidal low. 
Which those feelings have been coming in waves all my life. Particularly, worse this year. I have had a history of anxiety and depression but earlier this year diagnosed with PTSD after our child was hit by a car as they crossed the street. Our child survived and after a stint in the ICU has recovered. The therapist I was seeing, had previously hinted around me having PTSD from my childhood from neglect and a chaotic environment (watching a relative try and kill another person in front of me), verbal, physical and sexual abuse. A father who abandoned me and a mother who chose drugs and men over her children. 
Anyways, back to the main reason for the whole post. Tuesday was a low day for me. I just kept closing my eyes and picturing me slit my own, I was on the verge of tears all day but I still talked to him. Wednesday and Thursday, I talked to him for a little bit but not as much as the other days because he had court or at least that is what I was told. Friday, I lost my freaking mind. He suggested I show him a little something and stupid me did. That night I broke down and confessed to my husband some of what was going on with me: suicidal thoughts, the delusions, paranoia, the porn addiction, a lustful heart but not what I had been doing all week. I couldn't bring myself to say it. The next day I confessed it all. There was suggestions of bipolar but I told him whatever crazy I had, that I did what I did and take full responsibility for it all. That he is in no way responsible or to blame for what had happened. 
He wanted me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, which I did but it isn't until Feb. I have answered every question he has asked these past three weeks. I sent J a letter that Sunday that what I did was wrong and it was over. J even waited three weeks and started calling again. Which I immediately told my husband and with my husband standing there the next day I told him over the phone that it was over and that I meant everything in that last message I sent him. (The account can't be deleted, I tried to do that but I did block receiving messages from him. I didn't know it wouldn't block the phone calls but after talking to him with my husband present, I blocked the number). 
I am trying to do everything my husband asks of me. 
I did get upset last night because he was asking me questions about things that happened over 12 years ago before we got married. I told him I couldn't remember, which is the truth. I have a horrible memory, I honestly can't remember big portions of my life from my childhood/teenage years. I got so frustrated that I was answering but then he would tell me I was just trying to protect him from the answer. I just got up and went to bed. He came in and said I knew you couldn't do it, you couldn't answer the questions. I just lost it... I can't do anything right. I got out of bed and wanted to go to my moms. He took it I was done but that's not what it was. I am trying so hard and trying to make amends. I don't even know why I am posting this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK, the mad cat is out of the bag.

You flailed around, and you fooled around, and now that behavior is hopefully over.

Now, you are in damage control.

I agree you are damaged, from your childhood, and from _nearly_ losing a child.

See your primary care physician, ASAP, be honest with what you are going through, have him or her prescribe some anti-anxiety medicine to tide your over until your February appointment with that Psychiatrist, MD.

Damn, I love our health care system, NOT!

A needy person has to wait two months to be seen.
Maybe, if you are lucky, just for an hour.

Know this, the psychiatrist will do a lot of asking, some targeted questioning, and some leading you away from your woes.
It will take years for any sort of permanent cure.

You need your husband on your side, do not look for anyone else to soothe your feathers. Especially a jail bird with clipped feathers of his own.

You want to cut yourself?
Nope, cut that ex HS friend, and any other men (except family) out of your life.
You belong to your husband, hopefully he will stand by you.
I pray for this...

It is not the end of the world for you, it is the beginning for you to open up your hidden side, those nightmares.

*Mental illness is real.*



_N-_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Did you cheat on him before?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

making an appt. with a psychiatrist is a good start, but since it's so far out, you need to get counseling sooner than that. you obviously have deep rooted issues.
if you want to get healthy and save your marriage (if it's not too late), then intensive therapy. 
there are alternatives to psychiatrists. pyschologists, licensed therapists, if you are religious, rabbis, priests, deacons, ministers, et. 
keep the appt. with the MD, because they are the only ones who can prescribe meds.
You need good, qualified treatment asap.

your husband has every right to be flipped out.

also, you might want to think about connecting with a local addiction group.

and don't ever, ever reach out or talk to this J guy ever again. nothing good can come from it, only much, much heartache.

good luck to you


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do you have any substance abuse problems now, alcohol, drugs? If so, time to quit. If not, don't you think you need to get back into therapy. You're being destructive and you've been destructive for a long time, probably with reason, but you need to fix it. Giving BJs to a guy in high school and then wanting to contact him again? Really? You need to get into therapy and stay there long term and sort yourself out. I'm sorry the crap that has happened to you in the past. I don't doubt it started in childhood or you'd not have been giving BJs in the school bathroom. Stop ruminating over it and just get back into regular therapy -- or get in AA, or both. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LowestoftheLow said:


> I don't even know why I am posting this.


I suggest you keep the appointment with the psychiatrist. Your multiple problems are beyond the scope of this forum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> OK, the mad cat is out of the bag.
> 
> You flailed around, and you fooled around, and now that behavior is hopefully over.
> 
> ...


She didn't loose a child. The child survived.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

You are trying to move furniture while the house is on fire.

Get your mental health stabilized first. See the doctor. Be honest with the doctor. Do what they tell you to do. 

Once you are more stable you can deal with the other stuff.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK* 

Two valuable resources. 

We are also here for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> She didn't loose a child. The child survived.


Righto!

I misread what she wrote.

She used the word, 'they', I _assumed t_here were two and one survived.

That is a good correction to hear.


Thanks!


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Many short-term clinics have emergency short-term stays (2-3 weeks). You can go and check-in. the will do an eval on the spot. If you tell them you thinking of killing yourself legally they cannot turn you away. Another way to get help is to walk into any ER and tell the nurse your gonna kill yourself. They cannot turn you away.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

We are indeed here for you......However, we here are not able to diagnose and treat mental illness. 



LowestoftheLow said:


> hinted around me having PTSD from my childhood


That is far more than a "hint". 

You are in desperate need of professional help. Your local hospital may have an "access" worker, especially if the hospital has a psychiatric ward. Go to the emergency room and be seen. Explain your situation to the doctor, and your background. I think you can get a quick referral, or even be seen there by a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication and point you to a therapist.

These days, many psychiatrists limit their practices to prescribing medicines, and do not actually provide therapy. You need a referral to a therapist, hopefully, one who specializes in treatment of childhood trauma.

By the grace of God, I have never been subjected to the horrendous life you had in childhood. I cannot even imagine how difficult managing your life has been following such egregious circumstances. However, I know that there are highly-trained and qualified practitioners who can help you to learn better coping skills and help you rearrange your neural networks to more healthy architecture.

Hopefully, at the time your psychological team thinks appropriate, you will secure a marital counselor for both of you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't know if Lowes will be back. I hope she gets the help she needs. She needs professional mental health care and therapy that we strangers on the internet will not be able to provide. 

Her first-hand account of what has occurred here does provide some excellent case study of what goes on behind the scene with these women with unresolved CSA and daddy issues and childhood trauma etc. 

This is why it is critical to implore men to not try to be White Knights or Captain-save-A-Ho when they encounter women with these issues. 

They can be fine and dandy when things are going fine and dandy. But realistically how long can a couple go before there is some kind of stressor? How long before there is some kind of conflict or argument or disagreement? 

No matter how valiant and courageous a White Knight may be, can he ward off all illness and injury to all family members forever? Can he insure that there will never be a disagreement or conflict in the home? Can he assure that the damsel in distress that he rescued will always feel completely fulfilled and validated and never feel insecure or neglected or slighted for the next 40 years? Can he assure that he will never leave town on an overnight business trip or weekend away with the boys hunting or fishing? Will he be able to never be the least bit disappointed in her or frustrated with her or Heaven forbid angry at her (gasp!) 

Read her OP above again because it presents on a silver platter the very blueprint of how these damsels in distress with disordered pasts (CSA, absentee daddy, addicted mother) and exploitive sexual histories (giving BJs to bad boys in high school bathrooms) seek out and hook up with the very men that are toxic to them. 

It's all there in beautiful framework - a life stressor (injured child needing prolonged care) being made to feel threatened and inadequate and invalidated (claiming husband is critical and she can't do anything right) a perceived conflict ( angered over a fight) and then feeling abandoned and disregarded (H doing something else for the weekend with others) and finally opportunity (H out of the house for the weekend) 

Add it up and she is contacting an old flame and alpha male bad boy from her alpha widowed past in jail and walking step by step towards his back seat in the parking lot behind Denny's. 

This is right out of the BPD Handbook. 

We've been given the gift of seeing into the mind of the train wreck before it leaves the station. Take notes so that when these White Knights in shining armor start thinking that something is amiss when they return home from a weekend business trip after their partner blew a gasket the Friday morning before when he asked her where she had put his favorite necktie, you can refer back to this thread and be able to explain why it is that everyone is saying that she hooked up with her old BF that he swears was a deadbeat that treated her bad and that she would never want to see again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Get the help you need with the thoughts you are having. Emergency room and tell them the truth about your thoughts. Hugs and get help now.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Did you cheat on him before?


No, I have never cheated on him before. 12 years ago I broke up with right before we were supposed to get married.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

LowestoftheLow said:


> No, I have never cheated on him before. 12 years ago I broke up with right before we were supposed to get married.


I would reach down really far and try to let him know what happened 12 years ago. Not being able to remember events like this is very rare and you probably do remember, but just don't want to tell him.

My advice is to tell him everything, drop the bad memory excuse, and come clean.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there ARE things you can do NOW.
like suggested above, talk to someone now at one of the free services.
stop all drugs, alcohol, porn.
start working out....aerobics every day...even if it is just walking outside for a half hour. Aerobics are an excellent way to stop (or at least reduce) depression.

The porn is probably what egged you on about talking with this ex BF, who you used to give BJs to in HS. Since he is in jail, he obviously is NOT a stable person you would want in your life. but for a porn fantasy, yeah he would do. but it is only a fantasy. i would not pursue it, or anything else like it at all. If you need to watch porn, make sure it is only COUPLES porn, maybe share it with your husband too. You want to be fantasizing about what kinky sex your HUSBAND can do with you! i know, it might be more vanilla than you want, but trust me, vanilla sex is what you need right now.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> making an appt. with a psychiatrist is a good start, but since it's so far out, you need to get counseling sooner than that. you obviously have deep rooted issues.
> if you want to get healthy and save your marriage (if it's not too late), then intensive therapy.
> there are alternatives to psychiatrists. pyschologists, licensed therapists, if you are religious, rabbis, priests, deacons, ministers, et.
> keep the appt. with the MD, because they are the only ones who can prescribe meds.
> ...


Thank you. 
And I agree, he does have every right to be flipped out. I will reach out to a therapist while I wait for the MD appointment. I'm also never talking to J again, even if my husband decides it's over between us. That part is 100% done.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you have any substance abuse problems now, alcohol, drugs? If so, time to quit. If not, don't you think you need to get back into therapy. You're being destructive and you've been destructive for a long time, probably with reason, but you need to fix it. Giving BJs to a guy in high school and then wanting to contact him again? Really? You need to get into therapy and stay there long term and sort yourself out. I'm sorry the crap that has happened to you in the past. I don't doubt it started in childhood or you'd not have been giving BJs in the school bathroom. Stop ruminating over it and just get back into regular therapy -- or get in AA, or both. Good luck.


No, no substance abuse issues. I've never tried drugs, I drink maybe one bottle of smirnoff once a year. I saw from an early age that people in my family had addiction issues, so I never put myself in that spot. But, I used other things, sex related to try and soothe myself. 
I see that I do need therapy and not on the short term. Thank you


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

TJW said:


> We are indeed here for you......However, we here are not able to diagnose and treat mental illness.
> 
> 
> That is far more than a "hint".
> ...


Oh, I wasn't looking for a diagnosis or treatment of what is going on inside this head of mine. Just background on what all has been going on. 
I think I just needed an outlet before I exploded or at least that is what it felt like. I know without doubt that I need therapy and medication. Calling a therapist, will be happening Monday morning, after I research some in my area. The one that I was seeing was more focused on anxiety and career/school related. 
I have always been terrified to go to the ER, for mental illness. Like if I took that step, it cements that I have gone off the deep end. 
I appreciate all of your advice.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don't know if Lowes will be back. I hope she gets the help she needs. She needs professional mental health care and therapy that we strangers on the internet will not be able to provide.
> 
> Her first-hand account of what has occurred here does provide some excellent case study of what goes on behind the scene with these women with unresolved CSA and daddy issues and childhood trauma etc.
> 
> ...


Yep, it was totally my fault for being born into the family that I was born in to, for being molested and raped, for being whipped until my legs would bleed, for having to watch my mother get high with her friends, or my uncle get so drunk and beat my aunt, or my grandfather try and shoot someone. A father abandon his child because he couldn't be bothered. Yep, that is completely the child's fault.
I did tell my husband that he attracted crazy and maybe if I looked different, more crazy looking and less a pretty package, then he would have left this train wreck alone all those years ago. He swears up and down I'm a good person who makes some bad judgment calls.
He whispers in my ear that I'm beautiful but I don't see it.
That I am an amazing mother because I try to give my children all the love that I can and everything that I didn't have, I spent the first five years taking our special needs child to a school that was 60 miles one-way Mon thru Thurs, that would give them their best chance at life, I saw that our second child has my personality and unfortunate mental issues. When they watched their sibling get hit by a car, I put them in therapy asap.
My husband also tells me I'm an awesome wife, that when he broke his back four months into marriage, I put college on hold and picked up as many hours at my job as a could to take care of us and the newly bought home. I would work all day then come home and take care of him. I did it again when he hurt his shoulder in a car accident and was out of work for 9 months.
I took care of us.
He tells me I'm smart because I graduated college, the first in my family to do so. I got a job helping families that have been hurt by substance abuse issues. However, my empathic heart hurt everyday, especially after our child's accident that I couldn't work there any longer. I found a different job that still helps others but not so personal to me.

I broke after our child's accident. That day will never leave me, I still see them laying in the road...making the most awful sound. A broken arm, leg, fractured ribs, pelvis, collar bone, grade 5 lacerations to liver and spleen, collapsed lung, severe road rash all over their body. I was there every minute of every day getting them back together. And once I knew they would be okay and just like before, I fell apart. Every emotion and thought I had inside of me came out all at once.
The train wreck was back. Watching people choose drugs over their kids at work and almost loosing my own brought so many things back.

My husband is a White Knight but I was right there too, to save him and take care of him. I hope people look back to this thread and realize it's okay to help others. I'm human, I made a mistake. He reached in when I was drowning and pulled me up but I have to swim the rest of the way.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> I would reach down really far and try to let him know what happened 12 years ago. Not being able to remember events like this is very rare and you probably do remember, but just don't want to tell him.
> 
> My advice is to tell him everything, drop the bad memory excuse, and come clean.


I honestly do have a terrible memory but I spent the past 2 days trying to explain the actions from 12 years ago.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> there ARE things you can do NOW.
> like suggested above, talk to someone now at one of the free services.
> stop all drugs, alcohol, porn.
> start working out....aerobics every day...even if it is just walking outside for a half hour. Aerobics are an excellent way to stop (or at least reduce) depression.
> ...


I agree with the working out part. I have been aiming to get outside and walk for 30 minutes a day. I also changed the bedtime routine, before when I would lay down I would play on the phone, nothing like porn or anything but I would just stay up playing on it and sleep or lack of it messes with me. So, now I just put my alarm on and cuddle or have sex with my husband until I fall asleep. 
Porn has been a big issue with me and it has a big impact on my marriage. When I came clean about everything a few weeks ago, including the porn, I stopped watching it and haven't since. I have already noticed a change for the better. Instead of laying in bed on my day off I get up and get the day started. I have to find better ways to cope with stress because I seriously think I used it as a stress reliever. I am not even going to do the couples porn and refocus my attention strictly on my husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lows to Heal said:


> No, I have never cheated on him before. 12 years ago I broke up with right before we were supposed to get married.


So though it's not cheating I am sure that was a blow. Sounds like it might have been a shock if he was thinking you were going to get married. 


Lows to Heal said:


> No, no substance abuse issues. I've never tried drugs, I drink maybe one bottle of smirnoff once a year. I saw from an early age that people in my family had addiction issues, so I never put myself in that spot. But, I used other things, sex related to try and soothe myself.
> I see that I do need therapy and not on the short term. Thank you


But you said you were struggling with porn and then there is this gratification thing with this guy. It's the same kind of thing, you are looking for a rush. 

As far as your husband, you need to forget about yourself and think about the fact that your husband is suffering in this situation. Protect him, even if it's from yourself. If you can't remember in the moment set down alone and try to answer his question on paper. Be contrite.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_"I have always been terrified to go to the ER, for mental illness. Like if I took that step, it cements that I have gone off the deep end".

.................................................................................................... _

Brave people go off into the deep end.

Little minnows stick to the shallows.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

sokillme said:


> So though it's not cheating I am sure that was a blow. Sounds like it might have been a shock if he was thinking you were going to get married.
> 
> 
> But you said you were struggling with porn and then there is this gratification thing with this guy. It's the same kind of thing, you are looking for a rush.
> ...


It was a blow a for him and it hurt him deeply. I know that I need to do whatever I can to help him, even if it hurts me. After I posted initially I took a walk and just focused on my breathing. I came back and apologized, and told him that he has the right to ask whatever he needs to. I am willing to answer everything. I answered the questions and I ask everyday if he has anymore. A lot of them have been tough but he deserves the answers. 

Yes, just because I don't have addictions to drugs or alcohol doesn't mean I don't have an issue. I know that I have an addiction related to sex/ gratification and I need to get that in check.


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## Lows to Heal (Nov 26, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> _"I have always been terrified to go to the ER, for mental illness. Like if I took that step, it cements that I have gone off the deep end".
> 
> .................................................................................................... _
> 
> ...


 Thank you, I needed to hear that!


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Lows to Heal said:


> I honestly do have a terrible memory but I spent the past 2 days trying to explain the actions from 12 years ago.


..and those actions were?


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