# Mother/Wife Issues



## militaryhusband (Apr 13, 2011)

Our problems started March 2010, when I redeployed from Afghanistan - also about 5 months prior to the wedding. Up until then, my then future wife and mother got along great. Something happened when they both came up to Alaska (where I'm stationed) to welcome me home. For some reason (this is probably the one point I truly disagree with my wife) my wife decided my mother was being purposely invasive and we began to fight over why. I did what she asked me to do, which was approach my mother about the issue. I felt I solved the problem, but then my mother began making statements and actions (one example is she referred to me as her single son in an email to us with single in italics) which seemed to try to undermine our relationship.
I again approached my mother and had a bit of a fight with her. It took a while, but I even convinced my wife to speak with my mother on a three way call (I'm in Alaska, wife is in Wisconsin, and mother is in Indiana). I thought this solved the problem but it continued. The most recent thing was while I was out of contact almost completely except letter mail in a military school, my wife sent an email out to my family and hers informing them of the first letter she got from me. For some reason, my mom sent her a very mean, angry email back stating how she didn't appreciate her telling her family first and she should have been informed first and proceeded to somewhat attack my wife's mom. Because I was out of contact, my wife finally decided to confront my mother and they had it out big time. As a result (I'm assuming) my mother used a minor dental procedure of my brother's as a reason for not coming to the graduation ceremony. My wife and I have not stopped fighting about this and the littlest thing will set her of about my family at this point.
I am at a loss on what to do. At this point I have tried every thing to reconcile my mother and wife. While my mother has definitely inflamed the problem, I have no idea what to do about this anymore. I have tried every thing.
Another stress-er in our relationship is the fact that I am in the military stationed in Alaska while my wife is in Wisconsin. We are due to move together down this summer, which is a huge stress for my wife as she has never lived more than 6 hours from her family (we will be about 18hours from home).
Anyone gone through a similar situation and have advice?


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

Hi,

Yes, I have absolutely gone through a similar situation. My wife & I used to argue about my mother constantly. I was trying not to take sides but then I realized that you cannot do that to have a successful marriage. For a marriage to work long-term your wife needs to come first. You need to be a united front. On the same team. 2 strikers approaching the goalkeeper. It was very hard for me but realizing that I wasn't truly taking my wife's side was a breakthrough. I did considerable introspective self-analysis/self-help to understand why I was not on my wife's side, and I wrote down examples of my behaviour. So, my advice would be to analyze what usually happens when you argue with your wife over this topic. And really study if you are truly on your wife's side in this matter. 

Also, don't get me wrong, you can still have a wonderful relationship with your mother (if you wish to) but in my life my wife is my top priority and her needs are the most important thing in my life.

Hope I helped somewhat.

Take care and stay safe.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> Hi,
> 
> Yes, I have absolutely gone through a similar situation. My wife & I used to argue about my mother constantly. I was trying not to take sides but then I realized that you cannot do that to have a successful marriage. For a marriage to work long-term your wife needs to come first. You need to be a united front. On the same team. 2 strikers approaching the goalkeeper. It was very hard for me but realizing that I wasn't truly taking my wife's side was a breakthrough. I did considerable introspective self-analysis/self-help to understand why I was not on my wife's side, and I wrote down examples of my behaviour. So, my advice would be to analyze what usually happens when you argue with your wife over this topic. And really study if you are truly on your wife's side in this matter.
> 
> ...


Exactly when I got married and started a family that new family ecame the front burner everything else became the back burner. hate to tell you this your mother started this. Your wife was upset initialy because after five months of you being in Afghan she WANTED YOU BY YOURSELF. At least that is a good sign. You mother though she meant well is stuck in the phase of he's my baby boy and no woman is going to take him from me. You need to confront your mother and your wife needs to know you did. By not confronting your mother and not openly supporting your wife you are sending the message that your mother is more important then your wife to both women. Your mother wants you to stay neutral its easier for her to manipulate that way and then when your wife gets fed up and leaves you can't "claim" your mother drew her away because you stayed neutral. Its controlling and very manipulitive.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am not clear on why you and your wife are fighting. Your mother is being unreasonable, and strange to put it bluntly. She sounds very OTT. You should be siding with your wife, because you are married to her and want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, and not your mum I assume.

You need to set very clear boundaries with your mother and tell her to either respect you and your wife or that she isn't welcome in your lives untill she does. 

I agree with every thing sir pounce a lot has written.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I am not clear on why you and your wife are fighting. Your mother is being unreasonable, and strange to put it bluntly. She sounds very OTT. You should be siding with your wife, because you are married to her and want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, and not your mum I assume.
> 
> You need to set very clear boundaries with your mother and tell her to either respect you and your wife or that she isn't welcome in your lives untill she does.
> 
> I agree with every thing sir pounce a lot has written.


Thank you 

I agree with you too Syrum. 

I think quite a few parents (usually mothers) feel very threatened when their son's get married and start to cause trouble. I believe this is the case in this situation. And as Syrum said, you need to set clear boundaries otherwise your mother will keep behaving the same way and never change.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

WIVES SIDE! I agree, I have MIL issues and my husband always takes his mom side, and the problem is her and not me and incredibly nice to her but he refuses to take my side because that is quote " his mom and always will be' Makes me feel like i don't come first and i'm not truly loved


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

lam4391 said:


> WIVES SIDE! I agree, I have MIL issues and my husband always takes his mom side, and the problem is her and not me and incredibly nice to her but he refuses to take my side because that is quote " his mom and always will be' Makes me feel like i don't come first and i'm not truly loved


MIL issues can definitely be tricky. 

Can I ask what kind of relationship you have with your parents? I find that if you want someone to change something specific one of the best things you can do is to embrace that specific issue in your own life to an almost fanatical degree (NB. I have to credit Mort Fertel for this, as I heard him say something similar in a teleconference). eg. If an issue arises with your parents and there is an opportunity to take sides, take your husband's side with absolute devotion - make is absolutely 100% clear that you support your husband over your parents. That may get the issue through his head and perhaps he'll realize the damage he is doing with his own mother.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I am not clear on why you and your wife are fighting. Your mother is being unreasonable, and strange to put it bluntly. She sounds very OTT. You should be siding with your wife, because you are married to her and want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, and not your mum I assume.
> 
> You need to set very clear boundaries with your mother and tell her to either respect you and your wife or that she isn't welcome in your lives untill she does.
> 
> I agree with every thing sir pounce a lot has written.


And I agree with Syrum. I chose my loving husband over my family of origin. We do not allow meddling or controlling behavior around us. Neither should you.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

After about 2 years my mom and wife stated not to get along. My wife would accuse my mom of intentionally trying to sabotage us. I didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. Think the character Marie Barrone from "Everybody Loves Raymond" isn't based in reality? After seeing what my mom has become, I think the writers on that show actually held back. I had to set some hard and fast boundaries post haste!


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## kabsery (Jan 10, 2012)

I wish you guys would talk to my husband. I love my husband dearly but his mother always gets her way. She lives 9 hours from us but is contstantly starting trouble in our marriage. For the most part we don't fight alot but when we do its about her. From us having kids (even though my husband is unemployed and we have no insurance) to vacations she has to be first. The best part is she does not treat him very well and never has. I try to be a good wife; I work, I do all the cleaning, laundry etc and I support him in all his decisions. The last year has been rough since he has been laid off twice. But she keeps asking when are you having a baby, why can't you come visit. First of all we haven't had a vacation together since our honeymoon in 2009. I feel that if are able to take a vacation we should be going alone not with her. I just dont know what to do anymore, I am not saying she isnt important in his life but just once I want to know he is thinking about what is best for us not her.


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## AdrianT (Jun 29, 2012)

All,

I have a fiancee and recently the discomfort between her and my family which is mother and sisters have escalated. My family is very crass in their language and have said some things that have hurt her, and my fiancee is very sensitive so when she gets mad, she gets super mad. Now it's getting to the point where my family has asked me to reconsider if I want to be married to her because I am just so sad and depressed (loss of sleep) over the fights between both sides. Especially since they both express their anger towards me.

My mother is a widow and has some health problems, and she tries to get along with my fiancee but sometimes the smallest things cause this huge unhappiness with her because she is so sensitive from some of the issues with my family in the past. My mother thinks my fiancee is controlling and that I have lost my freedom since I have known her. I just feel responsible to support my fiancee in all aspects that I can and to try to understand her. 

Because of my extremely relax personality where I could just blow off what some people say about me immediately and not be affected by it, I just want to tell both sides to just chill out. I don't have the heart to tell my fiancee to chill out because it's like telling her to put her feelings and anger aside, same for my family. I just don't know; I feel like I have rambled on and not painted an accurate picture but that is my mind at this point.......a mess.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Adrian, you have posted on an old thread which is unlikely to be read.

Try posting a new thread under General Relationship Problems.

And welcome -- sorry you are here, but you'll get good support.


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## AdrianT (Jun 29, 2012)

lamaga,

Thanks


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