# Triggers are killing me



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

It has been about 4 months since d-day. Things are going fairly well, overall. Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. My husband and I are working through it and he is trying very hard. I am still struggling with the "triggers". Today was a great day. We were enjoying our son (home from college) and driving through town. We happened to drive by the hotel where my husband's affair took place. It all came back to me again. Whenever I drive by the places they went, I completely lose it. What can I do to get over this? It's impossible to avoid going by these places. What can I do? Is this normal to feel like this? Help please!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it's just time and building trust that take away the triggers.

With me and my husband, I can't even be in the city he moved to when he left. The whole area throw me for a loop. Thank goodness it's no where near our home.

But time is healing some other triggers...like the phone issue. 

We're building trust and it's helping.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, I had to get to a place where I could make memories of us to replace those bad ones. The hotel where he had his affair? We went there and had sex in the car in the parking lot. And almost got caught LOL. 

The places they ate together, we would go there right after a good session in the sack and eat and talk dirty. I just had to rebuild. I don't know if it will work for you. You would have to be the judge of that!


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Honestly, I had to get to a place where I could make memories of us to replace those bad ones. The hotel where he had his affair? We went there and had sex in the car in the parking lot. And almost got caught LOL.
> 
> The places they ate together, we would go there right after a good session in the sack and eat and talk dirty. I just had to rebuild. I don't know if it will work for you. You would have to be the judge of that!


I like this. My fWW and the OM used to meet on a road half way between the two towns were they lived. I think next time we drive through there I'm gonna ask her to take me to the spot where they would meet and climb in the back seat. They never had sex there so I can make a better memory there. I feel like crap driving through there now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Honestly, I had to get to a place where I could make memories of us to replace those bad ones. The hotel where he had his affair? We went there and had sex in the car in the parking lot. And almost got caught LOL.
> 
> The places they ate together, we would go there right after a good session in the sack and eat and talk dirty. I just had to rebuild. I don't know if it will work for you. You would have to be the judge of that!


:iagree:

Now that is a great idea. Triggers never go away though, its just that time lessens the pain. Unfortunately there is no magic wand that will make the pain and triggers go away. But DawnD certainly has a great idea here.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Time and continuing to work through your problems.

I like Dawn's idea, too.


----------



## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

My wife has thrown away about $5,000 worth of lingerie, sex toys, and clothes that were featured in her sex videos and affairs. I've asked her to stop because the biggest trigger isn't a thong, or even her wedding ring... it's her. At a certain point in time you look at the trigger and go, "You're just a thing. I can replace you. You represent money. That's it."

My wife's wedding ring... to me was a story of our love and a quest for the perfect ring and proposal. To her, it was an accessory that made her feel pretty... and who doesn't want to feel pretty when making a raunchy sex video? So of course she wore it during all of her videos. No meaning to her whatsoever... and on that point, I need to get to a point where these things have no meaning to me. 

Her car is awful and I want to douse it with gasoline and burn it to slag... but it's also paid off and we can't afford a new car. It's Just A Car... not an affair enabler. She didn't have sex in the car to spite me... it could have been a park bench or anything else. It's just a thing. 

I keep telling myself this when I run into triggers. The problem I'm having is with the triggers that are people... like my wife and her daughters. That is what kills me these days.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

dingerdad said:


> I like this. My fWW and the OM used to meet on a road half way between the two towns were they lived. I think next time we drive through there I'm gonna ask her to take me to the spot where they would meet and climb in the back seat. They never had sex there so I can make a better memory there. I feel like crap driving through there now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just make sure that if you are thinking of doing it, that you are SURE that you are ready to tackle it. Nothing worse then trying to take over your life, and spazzing out because it was too soon, or still to fresh. This didn't happen for us until about 6 months in, when the pain was starting to lessen and I was definite that I wanted to try to work things out.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a very interesting concept. DDay for me was when I saw an email via my laptop between her and the OM, while I was in Las Vegas for a conference. It's a conference I will very likely have to attend again next year. I talked about this with her and she said maybe it would be best if she came with me to the conference next time. 

This would help tremendously, but in reality the logistics would be near impossible due to our kids all being home and in school, etc (the conference was in early May). I guess we could try to make arrangements ahead of time, but we could not explain the huge importance of her coming to anyone watching the kids.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Gabriel said:


> This is a very interesting concept. DDay for me was when I saw an email via my laptop between her and the OM, while I was in Las Vegas for a conference. It's a conference I will very likely have to attend again next year. I talked about this with her and she said maybe it would be best if she came with me to the conference next time.
> 
> This would help tremendously, but in reality the logistics would be near impossible due to our kids all being home and in school, etc (the conference was in early May). I guess we could try to make arrangements ahead of time, but we could not explain the huge importance of her coming to anyone watching the kids.


Can you not just take the whole family, or is it a week long conference? If not that, I wouldn't think you would have to explain the importance of it to family, just ask and see what you can do. Offer to swap with a sibling for the same amount of time or something if you must. I will tell you this, my H had an EA turned PA, and he is now deployed. You can in fact do it. I am on week 30 of his deployment, and have had very few triggers. Pushing through it and throwing myself into everything else I have to do while he is gone.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Good, healthy, and valuable suggestions from Dawn! Also, good points by Tover to keep in mind.

I just want to add that as you never really know what what trigger your emotions or memories, you can't quite control them. Maybe try to confront them instead? Make an appointment with your counselor or therapist, but much earlier in the day (or, the day before) just go to the actual place that upsets you. Go to that hotel. Sit there and think about all the things that are bothering you about it and then overthrow it. Yes, he went there and had an affair with her -- but, whatever it was, he ultimately chose you. Whatever they did there, naughty and subversive and all those awful things, yes, but...at the end of the day, it wasn't as strong as what you two have. Find a way to overthrow that feeling by confronting it -- either by making a new memory of that place, or by just confronting the emotion and the trigger and then rejecting its power over you. I think that feeling your way through something is useful. Of course, I also think this should be followed up by an appointment with your counselor so that you can deal with the feelings that emerge and let them go. His bad behavior will haunt you, but....you are the only one that can give it power over you. Take it as a sign of his betrayal or take it as a sign of some obstacle that hasn't beat you down. 

Just my 2 cents. Hang in there. I'm happy for you that you guys are trying to work it out. There's hope in that.


----------



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> His bad behavior will haunt you, but....you are the only one that can give it power over you. Take it as a sign of his betrayal or take it as a sign of some obstacle that hasn't beat you down.


:smthumbup: Excellent advice. Will try to adopt it myself...when I'm ready. 2nd day after DDay of PA though, so i am definitely NOT yet ready! I do plan on doing that someday though, whether we succeed at R or not. I want those triggers to be "a sign of some obstacle that did not beat me down."


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

My biggest trigger is the OM is still emailing us. I have a google filter setup but from time to time would check the folder and see all the hate coming from him. Yea I know we should change email but just like changing your phone number it is a pain in the butt remembering what was connected with it. 

Now after 8 months it is not so much an issue. I just realized if he really wanted to try and steal my wife away I would have firgure he would have email more nicer stuff. I think this really help her to get out of her fog seeing the hate/shift blame coming from him


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

two ways to deal with triggers


1) remove them from your life or avoid them
2) face them and reclaim them


----------



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, *Almost Recovered*! You always come to my rescue. Have a Happy New Year!. I'm sure hoping 2012 is better than 2011.


----------



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Tover26 said:


> My wife has thrown away about $5,000 worth of lingerie, sex toys, and clothes that were featured in her sex videos and affairs.


God that sounds like a nightmare! It honestly kind of puts things in perspective, it can always be worse. I've been living in complete hell because my wife had one night of hotel sex and gave the OM an hj in his car (not to mention the lies and betrayal of course), maybe I should consider myself lucky in a weird way?

But anyhow, I completely agree with you Tover, it's the people that matter and are the real triggers. The objects... hotels, restaurants, cars, lingerie, etc.. those are all meaningless things that the cheating spouse has given significance too. But it's hard, if not impossible to not let them effect you. With my wife, she told me every horrible detail about the affair, so it seems like around every corner there's a trigger...even when it comes to sex (if we're doing a certain position I know they did). I think triggers is something all of us BS's have to overcome if R is going to be truly possible. Perhaps real forgiveness is the key to ending the triggers (and mind movies). How does one achieve real forgiveness, that's another topic I suppose.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> two ways to deal with triggers
> 
> 
> 1) remove them from your life or avoid them
> 2) face them and reclaim them


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

These have all been really helpful comments. I have been avoiding the places they went together. I talked to my husband last night and told him I wanted to go and face the places and make some new memories. I even thought about making a hotel reservation where they had 2 encounters and have a wild night of sex with him. I don't know if I'm making a mistake. We are leaving this in the past and moving forward. He is devoted to me and is really trying. Is this just going to bring back memories for him and cause a set back? Should I just grow up and move on? What's everyone's opinion? We are doing very well and he seems to be trying hard. Our marriage is better than it's been in years. Affairs are NEVER a good thing, but we are trying to make something good out of a terrible hurt. Am I causing more hurt by seeking these places out? Should I just face them on my own, without him?


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It depends on you. It worked great for me, but there was never really any LOVE between my H and his OW. They both got tired of each other rather quick, so it wasn't an issue about dragging up any feelings for him. It was more to get over things for me. If you aren't sure, then hold off. There is plenty of time to run at it and face it. You said you were 4 months out from D Day? We were at least 6 months out when I went for broke. Trust your gut.


----------



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, Dawn. My husband wasn't in love with the OW either. It was a very brief (10 day) ordeal. He only saw her 2 times in that period. She lives in another city, thank God! I truly don't think he was that attached to her. I think it happened and he's sorry. I don't think he wants to go to the places because he's ashamed. I don't know what I'll do. I'll keep you posted.


----------



## why not me (Oct 15, 2011)

We are 7 months past D-Day, and I have the same thoughts of reclaiming the hotels with my wife also. I just want to warn you to be sure enough time has went by. We were on a family weekend trip with the kids and stayed the night in a hotel out of state at about the 4 month mark. It devastated me and created some real bad mind images, and it also really bothered my repentant WW. My recomendation is to be sure your both ready, and time is still the best friend you have.

We dropped her car off at a garage beside the hotel I wanted to re-claim last week, and it put me in a bad mood all day just seeing the outside of the hotel. No way we are ready to go thru with it yet. Just be patient, and wait for the right time. We have been planning some trips to B&B's or a cabin, hoping they will not feel sleazy like a normal hotel and we can build new memories. Good Luck! 

Cheaters suck!


----------

