# Anyone Else Tried Discernment Counselling?



## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

We've been separated for 4 very long months. I've been getting IC almost weekly ever since, moved into a place with 2 co-workers and went back to the job I'd quit to "work on my marriage" and started a new project. We were seeing each other every 3 weeks in a neutral setting, as per our terrible MC's suggestion.

I finally couldn't handle the emotional backlash of seeing her (I still love her, she doesn't love me) and seeing some sort of connection or emotion but having nothing happen, so I told her I wanted a divorce and wanted to stop seeing her. She came back about a week later saying her IC (which she rarely ever goes to, because she's "busy") suggested discernment counselling to help her determine if she wants to try again or leave.

We've been through one session so far. Since they see each person separately and then together, I have no clue what they talked about and have no clue where she stands, other than she hasn't made a decision yet. Has anyone else tried this, and does anyone have feedback or comments on the process? 

I find it extremely frustrating because there is no work on the relationship, just helping people make a decision. I made my decision on my own, and with the help of friends, family, and my counsellor - I still love her and want to try again, but I can't be treated as a burden or second-best anymore.

The longer this drags out the more empty, angry, hateful, and mistrusting I become, and I feel like all the positive progress I made on myself has been torn away by being locked in a purgatory waiting for her to make a decision.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In your case counseling regardless the type is a waste of time and money.

The only reason she suggested it is because she wants to keep you as a back up plan in case her single life doesn't pan out.

Cut her loose.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> In your case counseling regardless the type is a waste of time and money.
> 
> The only reason she suggested it is because she wants to keep you as a back up plan in case her single life doesn't pan out.
> 
> Cut her loose.


The whole idea of letting her "decide" is a joke.

She's either in or out.

She's clearly out.

You never have to guess if someone is "in"


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

I invited her to coffee the other night (which was a complete and utter mistake, I wish I hadn't). She's acting like a completely different person... different from what I've seen in the last 10 years. Her friends have mentioned this too. She's having some sort of complete mental breakdown, which isn't surprising due to the heavy issues that she's had to deal with in the last couple of years, and all at once.

I'm concerned that if I turn her away, and it IS a mental issue, that will destroy any chance of reconnecting in the future if she makes it through this. 

On the other hand, she knows that if she finalizes this and says we're completely done, once the divorce is finalized I will literally drop off the face of the earth from her. When people betray me, I cut them completely out of my life. I just took the house back from her, and I'm considering selling it asap if she's "done" because I don't even want her to know where I live.

What I don't understand was when we met before she went on this random cross-continent car trip last month so I could take the dogs from her (because she's abandoned them too) I basically made it clear through body language that I hate her, and she's responsible for it. At the end, when it was time to say goodbye, she stalled and then wanted a hug, and when i gave her one she started sobbing and clutching me. Now that she's back, and STILL hasn't "made a decision" she keeps a distance from me and there's no hug or anything. The counsellor pressed me a bit to tell her I still loved her, which I didn't really want to because of the "pressure" associated with that.

All I know is she had a list of questions she's supposed to answer for herself to help make her decision... I didn't get a chance to see them. If I have to pay $180 a measly 4 days after we went for coffee for her to tell me it's through, I am going to be livid.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you teach her it's ok to treat you this way, what will be left to re-connect with?


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

I'm really starting to think that I've overthought this entire ordeal, and this is simply a WaW situation and nothing more.

Second appointment is today. I really want to say screw it and leave this counselling BS, and I actually may. I spoke to a mutual friend last night and she said my "wife" has all these "plans" for the near future and none of them include me, which isn't far off from the last 2 years anyways so nothing new. 

I don't think there's any malicious purposes to keeping me around, like I'm a backup or anything, but for some unknown reason she won't cut ties and walk, and I think it's something to do with guilt on her part. I'm just concerned if I don't suffer through every possible avenue, I'll always have doubt that I missed something or did something wrong.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Saffy said:


> I'm really starting to think that I've overthought this entire ordeal, and this is simply a WaW situation and nothing more.
> 
> Second appointment is today. I really want to say screw it and leave this counselling BS, and I actually may. I spoke to a mutual friend last night and she said my "wife" has all these "plans" for the near future and none of them include me, which isn't far off from the last 2 years anyways so nothing new.
> 
> I don't think there's any malicious purposes to keeping me around, like I'm a backup or anything, *but for some unknown reason she won't cut ties and walk, and I think it's something to do with guilt on her part. * *I'm just concerned if I don't suffer through every possible avenue, I'll always have doubt that I missed something or did something wrong.*


The reasons you give for not cutting ties seem to be the same as hers. Fear, guilt, obligation.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

At this point you are wasting your time and money and flushing your dignity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My dad used to tell me that life is a series of adventures, and that you have to put the latest one behind you before you can really move on to the next. Many people have trouble with this because it's scary to leave what you know. I wonder if this isn't a simple case of your wife being a little afraid to leave what she knows and to put this adventure behind her? Regardless, you can't move on to your next adventure until you put this one being you. You can't help her, only you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Guilt is a huge possibility. Going to all these counseling sessions eases her guilt for dumping you.

Stop making it easy for her.

Cut her loose.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Guilt is a huge possibility. Going to all these counseling sessions eases her guilt for dumping you.
> 
> Stop making it easy for her.
> 
> Cut her loose.


This!! The counseling sessions are for her not you. They arent doing you any good. You shouldn't feel obligated to pay for them.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

She is eating cake. I think your best bet to getting her back is making your decision and going no contact. From the outside I have to wonder why you want someone who doesnt really want to be with you. Don't give her the power to decide your life for you. Cake eating isn't malicious, it is selfish. If your feelings even register to her, she probably hates that your feelings got in the way of her happiness, but she has to do what she has to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Who is paying for all this counseling crap? I hope it's not you. You will regret it.

You should also refrain from committing yourself to meaningless absolutes like "I'm going to disappear on her" or "I don't want her to know where I live". That's childish. 

Stop going to counseling and file for divorce. If she comes back begging, you can always change your mind. Until then, just file for divorce and look ahead instead of back.


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

To respond to some points:
-We are (or rather, were) sharing the cost, 50/50
-You are correct, our reasons for dragging this out are similar - fear/guilt/obligation - but the fear and guilt don't stem from loneliness, but that we're throwing away something truly special because we're too stupid or selfish or weak to fix it

So we had our second, potentially final, session. It was basically a close-out session from what I understand - we each gave our point of view on the failure of the relationship so the other could gain insight on how the other was affected by various actions/events.

She has basically stated she no longer has feelings for me. I'm destroyed. I thought I was ready for this but I wasn't. I personally believe REAL love never goes away, it just gets buried and overshadowed by life and BS. Especially now that she has spent some real time in IC counselling and is doing better, I can see all the things that attracted me to her in the first place again and she is still the same person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The counsellor suggested an experiment, and I'm not entirely sure why since it's a bit different from the usual course of discernment. We are to try regular contact for 3 weeks - both over the phone and face-to-face. A large reason for the break-up was a lot of distance and communication slowly dwindled as other obligations began overtaking us. We each were allowed to say 3 small things we would change about the other person - she wants me to open up to her more and to not be so angry over small things (like waiting in line at a restaurant). I asked her to be completely open and honest with me, even if she's going to say something that'll hurt me.

The other reason things fell apart is after 6 years of being open and honest with each other, we started holding back our thoughts and feelings. She would tell me everything was fine even though I could tell they weren't. I would ignore obvious pleas for help because I deluded myself into thinking it was fine just because she didn't state outright it wasn't. That went on for a little over 2 years.

We're going to go through this experiment but I'm more concerned it'll lead to me going through this rejection again. I don't want to hope anymore because it hurts too much, but there are two big things that destroyed our attempts to reconnect before the separation:
-Our MC was an idiot (apparently he's well-known for being useless, we find out now) and had NO clue how to do his job. He was pushy, he blamed her, he didn't listen. We both didn't like him, but were afraid to say something in case we were accused of not being fully committed.
-We both tried too hard and expected results too fast, and the advice I took was misused by me to try and gain an advantage. 

I worry this 3 week experiment will be more trying too hard, expecting results too fast. I told her after our session the feelings she's using as a stay/leave gauge don't happen overnight, or over weeks. They take months to redevelop after so much hurt and misery. You also need to WANT them to return, and want to be with someone (enjoy their company, miss them, whatever). She said she doesn't understand how I could still love her after all of this

We used to go for coffee every 3 weeks after the separation, but I eventually told her I wanted a divorce because I didn't feel we were making any progress and I felt she was just trying to develop us as friends to make the break-up easier to deal with. Turns out we were, tiny bits, and I blew it, and made things worse because she thinks I was bluffing or pushing her again.

Our "support network" of friends and couples, many of whom have been married or together longer than us, have all said what we're going through is very normal. It's normal to fall out of love, it's normal to hit a rough patch, it's normal to have a breakdown in communication this far into a relationship, and it's normal to let outside influences (ambition and careers, family obligations, whatever) creep in over time and they always become a problem. BUT it is fixable and you will be better for it, but it takes a LOT of hard work and sacrifice to rebuild but it's worth it, and you'll be stronger for it. I think she sees this as pressure from people who "don't understand". I don't know how to open up and talk to her honestly about it without seeming like a begging, sobbing mess.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh good grief.

Hire an attorney and file.

Stop the insanity.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> The counsellor suggested an experiment


The counselor is a money-hungry idiot. Fire her. Fire your wife too. You will have to do this in the near future anyway. Stop losing money and sleep over the inevitable.

You need some self-healing. A lot of it. You're very codependent. File for divorce.


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