# Agreed to Divorce... Still Sharing Bed?



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

So an odd question... Is it possible or reasonable for two adults beginning divorce to still share a bed?

Background: My husband announced his intent to divorce in August. We've been in counseling since, although I've been doing the work to save the marriage and my husband has been simply putting in the time. It's been a long 6 months. There have been many, many long and painful talks. There have been oceans of tears. But I finally faced the reality a couple of weeks ago that I'm now done too. I'm tired of being the only person fighting for our marriage. I'm emotionally spent and drained beyond belief. Which has made me unhappy. And he's still holding his ground from August. So we've finally reached the agreement to divorce.

He has a few months headway with regard to his comfort with this decision, but I am now feeling content with my part of the decision. I don't like it. But I've accepted that this marriage was not meant to be -- and I deserve someone who loves me and wants me. And with this, there is some great peace that I'm finding in myself with this decision since being in limbo for the past 6 months.

All this said, we still live together. Our son (his 12-year old biological son, my stepson whom I've helped raise for 9 years -- we have joint custody with my stbx's ex) is not aware of what's happening yet. We are discussing with our marriage counselor the best way to approach all this. We also still share the same bedroom and bed. We hear that we should move into different rooms, but as of now, we're not certain as to why. We both accept what's happening and know that this is a final decision. But there is some comfort in the presence of each other in the bed. If there is a moment of sadness and pain, the other is there to say, "It will be OK."

We know that one of us will be leaving the house at some point, but until then, your thoughts on still sharing the bed? Things to consider?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

You need to get out of that bed ASAP.
Not healthy for you in anyway.If you want to start healing you have to say a real goodbye.
Sharing the bed with him will only make you hopeful and will stall the process of grieving and healing .
So sorry,i know it's really painful to say goodbye !


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You are finding comfort in having him there in the bed. It's going to be hard regardless, but you need to get used to being separate. Do you cuddle? Or are you both just there in the same bed?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Just in the same bed. No cuddling. We talk, sometimes about what's going on with us, sometimes about other things.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks for all of your responses. Hopemom, I think you're right... I'll know when it's time and, oddly, I feel like (and hope) I'll be OK with that.

I've been fighting for our marriage since August. I've been through the range of emotions -- absolute devastation, fear, hoping and praying, bargaining, frustration, etc. Over the past 6 months, I've analyzed and overanalyzed, read ever website and book I could find, bent over backwards to be a "good wife," worked on myself to improve me as a person, been to 6 months of counseling, etc. I've cried and cried, had days and nights where I couldn't function... the whole range of things experienced by other folks being "left" on this site.

And, finally, a few weeks back, I think I finally hit my bottom -- and acceptance. I'm getting a divorce. It's not what I want or prefer. It's not what I would do if given the choice. But it's not in my control any longer. I don't want to force my husband to be with me if he truly doesn't love me or want me. And I don't want to be with a man who doesn't love me back. I deserve someone who thinks I'm the most amazing woman in the world. And, for whatever the reasons he feels, whether I agree with them or not, that is no longer the way my husband feels about me.

And, what's really strange -- and completely unexpected for me -- is that I've suddenly hit a place of near peace now that I've "accepted" this fate. Don't get me wrong... there are still moments of fear, tears and sadness for what was. I'm still uncertain what my future holds or how all of this is going to work. I don't know how to "do" the divorce process and have a lot to learn. My husband hasn't even filed yet... we're waiting to speak to our marriage counselor next week to figure out how/when to tell our son (my stepson) who's unaware of the situation and has been going through some emotional and behavioral challenges lately. Out of concern for him, we may start our process, but wait until school is out to tell him and take any overt actions.

We're still in the house together and are business as usual when our son spends his weeks with us. When he's with his mother, we still are doing things together on our own -- watching TV, movies, having dinner, taking steps to improve the house so that we can put it on the market in the spring. We're also doing individual things when we have time. He enjoys his online games and I go out with girlfriends. And, yes, we're still in the bed together. Strange as it sounds, it is a comfort to me, even if we are just lamenting and crying together about how this completely SUCKS. My husband no longer loves me, but I know he cares about me. And, while I still love my husband, I know that in time that will fade into a different feeling. And maybe somehow this arrangement -- despite our occasional raw feelings and discomfort -- is somehow helping us to put our relationship on a new level. I still want to continue my relationship with my stepson and maybe that, too, is helping me to take this relationship with my someday-ex on a different path.

I honestly don't think I'm in denial. I've been through too many horrendously agonizing limbo months and am finally exhausted... and done. I've told family and friends of my acceptance and am trying to figure out my future. I know our current living situation will end in the coming months, and I know I'm still bound to shed more tears, feel lonely and whatnot. But maybe finally accepting my fate has allowed me to start healing in some odd way, too.

Thoughts on this?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sounds like the opposite of my situation, where I'm physically separated from my husband but still planning to stay married. Oh, I'll see him on the weekends and sleep with my husband but heck, I'm not getting divorced. Weird, eh? 

So you are definitely divorcing? :scratchhead: But you are sleeping together? 

Time to piss or get off the pot. If you are definitely going to divorce it's time to take the steps to separate, not only emotionally but physically. Sounds like you are talking the talk, but not walking the walk. IMO, you are prolonging the agony doing what you are doing. One of you needs to get out or, perhaps you really DO want to stay married but are trying to talk yourself out of it?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

My husband is adamant about he divorce. I have finally agreed that it's in both of our best interest -- he's not happy in the marriage which, in turn, makes me unhappy as well. I can't keep beating my head against a rock expecting it to move. I've given in and up. I don't like it, and of course I don't want to divorce. But I can't remain with someone who is adamant that they don't love me and see no future with me in it. After months of trying, waiting patiently for him to change his mind, etc., I've done all I can do. I have now accepted that I'm getting a divorce, that my life will not be as I expected and that I will be starting anew.

We are in the same bed but not sexual with one another. We have a few issues to deal with that make physical separation impossible. We live in an incredibly expensive area and barely make it by paycheck to paycheck. Some months we don't make it and have to miss one payment to pay another. So paying for another living space, in addition to our current mortgage payment, is not possible. We are planning on selling out house in order to afford our separate lives and are prepping it with much-needed repairs now until the weather makes selling possible. We live in a snow belt and winter is a horrible time to sell. The housing market here is just starting to barely improve and we're going to need every penny out of this place just to break even with paying off our mortgage, or we'll have to foreclose.

Most important, we have a pre-teen child who is (and has long been) dealing with some serious emotional and behavioral issues, including depression, anxiety, impulsiveness, and social disorders. For the past year, since entering middle school, his issues have increased and he's having a very rough go at it these days. We are working with our (and his) counselor to determine when/how to tell him so as to not break him or push him over the edge. He's going to take this very hard and it's important that we are sensitive to his needs. Even the counselor recommended that we not move to separate rooms right now, knowing that our son would know that something is up. She's worried about his mental state right now and we are too... It's going to be rough any way we do it, but we're trying to be smart about it for his safety.

In the meantime, my husband is taking the steps necessary to file. We have an appointment next week with our marriage counselor to discuss mediation, when/how to tell our son, and figure out the next steps. Neither my husband nor I have anywhere else we can go at the moment, so we're making the best of it here until we can afford to physically separate. And, strange as it sounds, I do feel more at peace now than I have in months now that I've accepted and said aloud that we're getting a divorce. There are still moments of extreme sadness where I wish things could be different, because I still love my husband and would love to rebuild our marriage. But I've finally realized that I don't have any control over his feelings, desires and actions -- I can't make him change his mind and he has decided, without a doubt, that divorce is his best solution. I've stopped fighting it because there's nothing to fight anymore. So I'll handle this as maturely as possible so that we can take the necessary steps to go our separate ways and start our lives anew. Although I love him, I've let go of the idea of our marriage and our future together. I'll miss him and what "was," and will hope that we'll both be OK in the end.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Up until I read about your son I was thinking "Well, at least move out of the room!" I was lucky in that we rented a house so moving wasn't a problem. We saved money by moving into a smaller apartment and my husband has his father's house. But your situation truly stinks. I feel for you and am impressed at how well you are taking it.l 

With your son, if his counselor says to take it easy and slow it's probably best you do so. Shame about his problems. My son has ADHD and anxiety as well but being separated from my husband has helped him immensely. He sees his father as much as he wants and desires a relationship with him but the stress and horror of us fighting and worse is now over. It doesn't sound like you and your husband are doing battle in front of your son but to lie there next to him...I know it would tear me up. 

Heck, I'd get a mattress and sleep on the other side of the room. At the very least I would wait until he falls asleep or go to bed before him (been there, done that with my husband). I just can't imagine going through what you are going through. Good luck to you and God bless you.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks, Freak. It certainly isn't an ideal situation. I am hurting but have been hurting -- sometimes inconsolably -- for 6 months now, and maybe I'm finally just a bit numb. My husband's declaration of his desire to divorce caught me completely off guard when it happened. Sure, we'd had some arguments, especially during times of extreme stress with my stepson's problems, my husband's ex-wife, our purchasing a home this past year that ended up being a money pit...but it nothing that I saw as super serious. I figured that we were just going through typical marriage stress, one of the marriage rollercoaster dips. My husband had frustrations and dissatisfaction that he rarely, if ever, shared with me -- he kept it inside and avoided conflict when possible. So when he hit me with, "I don't love you anymore, I'm not happy, I want a divorce and the only reason I'm still here is because of this house and my son," it was an absolute punch in the gut that I never expected. We had a marriage that family and friends saw as "one of the good ones." And I believed that.

As I said, when he finally told me about his unhappiness, I did what any loving person would do -- I worked to resolve those things he was unhappy about. We did weekly counseling and I'm really proud of those things I've improved about myself. My husband, unfortunately, made his mind up in August and is one of those people who cannot change their mind for fear of admitting that they're "wrong." I've come to learn, as has our marriage counselor, that it doesn't matter what I do or say, my husband refuses to admit any progress in our marriage since August and also refuses to accept any responsibility for any issues that exist. He sees me as the "patient" who needs to be "fixed" and himself as the victim. And he can't -- or won't -- see things any other way. Even the counselor is frustrated with him, seeing that there is nothing horribly wrong with our marriage. She is frustrated that she can't reach him. And I spent months in agony trying -- but now I just can't do it anymore. My white flag is up. He wins.

So here I am. It sucks. Some days are better than others. Today was a tough one for no particular reason. But I'm about to head home from work and will go to bed tonight beside him. It's torn me up for months as I tried to fight the divorce and reach him. But now, for some darn reason, it's a bit easier since coming to terms with it. I love my stepson and, although I have no legal rights to him, I'll do whatever I can to ease this horrible situation for him and maintain my "mom" status. I think right now that's the hardest thing to take -- the thought of losing the child I've been a mom to for so many years... the potty training, lost teeth, bed-wetting, school plays, parent-teacher conferences, Christmases, birthdays, "growing up" talks, Boy Scout activities... all the firsts that you experience with your child. Knowing that I won't be one of his two "moms" anymore is killing me. I don't want to hurt him -- but it's not my choice. But his father thinks this divorce is what he needs to be happy in his life...

Thanks for listening. I don't think I've expressed all that aloud before yet. It feels good to put it out there. It's more than mourning the loss of what won't be in my marriage. I've been mourning that loss for months now. But the loss of my child is just starting to hit me hard, and I want to do what I can to protect him.


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## AlmostDone925 (Nov 21, 2015)

Test


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## AlmostDone925 (Nov 21, 2015)

I just want you to know I am going through something just like this. We have tried, we have struggled, I put in all the effort of trying to save the marriage while I think he checked out months ago. It's been almost a year and I finally came home last Friday and told him I just couldn't do it any more. I am also finally at peace with this decision, though I still cry and still wonder why we couldn't make it work. We still share a bed. We hold each other and hug each other when we get home from work. I kiss his forehead every morning when I leave. We still love each other and want to make sure that the other is okay. We find comfort in each other.... but have both accepted this as how things are going to be. I am not sure when he will move out. There are still a lot of unanswered questions and a lot to sort through but for now, we still share a house, a family, a common ground, and a bed. I find that I am starting to distance myself from him emotionally.... slowly. 

You are not crazy. I'm glad it's happening this way. I might feel differently later, but for now, this is the right choice for me.

Good luck to you.


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## Liveinhope (Oct 29, 2017)

My husband has pretty much agreed that he is having a bit of a midlife crisis kind of thing. We have been together for nearly twenty years and married for thirteen. We have a lot of stresses and I had an EA four years ago whilst in a post natal depression...this was incredibly painful for my husband but at the time I wasn't aware as was so lost. Anyway, he started a new job in January and helped a colleague deal with her marriage break up (apparently her husband held her by the throat) as he is a kind person and she developed feelings for him and then him for her. I felt something was up and confronted him; he through the past at me and said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. I felt powerless and he told me he had told her he wanted he and I to work. She took it badly and led him to believe she had taken a deliberate overdose...weeks later she told him it was accidental...but he was left for weeks thinking it was an attempt on her life. Anyway, we maintained a sexual relationship (different to usual) and then on three occasions, he told me he wasn't happy (a lot of general things...not doing the garden, house mends etc) and on the third time, said he missed her. Then, four weeks ago, he told me he wanted us to split up and that he loved her (he says they have kissed several times, but nothing more and they have not seen each other out of work). We went to our first counselling session and he was there to get through to me...but it was interesting, the counsellor was focused on him...I feel she recognised he is going through a strange patch. The other woman is apparently divorcing her husband but is still living with him and their son. My husband still lives with me and our two daughters (12 and 8) and he has always been a wonderful, caring, hands on Dad. The confusing part is that on one hand he is telling me he is 100% about splitting up, but will still hold my hand and we play with each others' fingers. Our sexual interaction (other than a couple of near-misses) stopped once he told me he wants to split. At times, we have sat staring at each other with him stroking my face and kissing the top of my head and he appears to almost study my face...we will cry and I stroke his face. The other night I rubbed his feet and it became a rather heated all over massage, which he stopped from being anything more...but it was intense. Every night, we sleep cuddled up..usually we are sat on the sofa and cuddled up together and then go up to bed, cuddled up. (Occasionally not, but more often than not, we do cuddle). We chat openly about his day at work and do lots as a family and I am making it clear I still love him. I feel there is love still there, but he is saying he wants to split. It is such a muddle. We are seeing a counsellor again on Wednesday. I feel he is going through something as he has behaved so out of character.


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

Everyone is different. My wife and I have been together for 25 years, married 22 and we are getting divorced. It is complex and too much to go in to here, but I can tell you there is no animosity and still a lot of love. There is mid-life thing going on with her as well as post cancer survival and an an inability to to move on from disappointments from the past.

The same-bed thing will f*ck with your head. I am a big believer in energy and being in the same bed delays the uncoupling and healing process. As much as I hate it, I had move into another room. It is easy for us to begin the uncoupling process when one or the other is out of town. If you come back and share the same bed, you lose any progress made.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

rgol said:


> Everyone is different. My wife and I have been together for 25 years, married 22 and we are getting divorced. It is complex and too much to go in to here, but I can tell you there is no animosity and still a lot of love. There is mid-life thing going on with her as well as post cancer survival and an an inability to to move on from disappointments from the past.
> 
> The same-bed thing will f*ck with your head. I am a big believer in energy and being in the same bed delays the uncoupling and healing process. As much as I hate it, I had move into another room. It is easy for us to begin the uncoupling process when one or the other is out of town. If you come back and share the same bed, you lose any progress made.



rgol - this is a zombie thread but....

I remember your reconciliation thread well. I was incensed at your wife's behavior. Looks like I may have been a prophet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

if you are getting divorced then you need to move out of the bed and tell the son asap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

zombie thread


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