# You had lots of fights with your spouse.. but your sex life is still good??



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Hello distinguished TAM members,

I am curious to hear from you in regards to this matter. We all hear about how sex life will suffer if husband and wife always have quarrels and fights about many things, one way or another.

But apparently, some couple actually have lots of fights, and STILL able to have good sex! It is termed "make up sex" in these two articles below:

How to Have Make-Up Sex -- Have Sex After a Fight - Redbook

Poll: Does Fighting Lead To Better Sex? | YourTango

This is very strange and yet very interesting to me. 

Has any of you ever experience something like this? I read about it also, here in TAM, a member here said something to that effect. But I want to hear from others as well.

Anybody could explain how this is even possible? At school I was taught that if couples keep on fighting, their sex life will always suffer. To have it the other way (lots of fight but still have good sex life), to me is an anomaly, and worth further investigation.

Thank you for your time!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex and I did not fight but flipside is we did not communicate well either which equaled less and less sex. Not good.

Personally I loath fighting, it would turn me off a man very quickly. I see fighting as losing control and cannot respect a man with no self control.

With my SO we also do not fight however when we do have any sort of issue we discuss it like adults. We find it easy to communicate and to compromise where needed. We have a pretty hot sex life. No need for any make up sex, the whole idea sounds off balance to me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It sure didn't work in our marriage. I was an A-hole to my wife when we fought and it hurt our marriage in and out of the bedroom. I knocked that behavior off about 4 years ago and we're both much happier for it.

My wife NEVER responded well in the bedroom. She held a grudge quite a while for it and it took her a long time to become loving towards me after.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For my wife and I our sexual chemistry has never really wavered throughout our marriage, hence make-up sex came rather naturally. We do have issues when:
1) We cross the threshold and the fight gets too serious
2) We have makeup sex but rug-sweep the argument

It's not always a good thing, but when it's over a minor argument then it's pretty much foreplay. Anything more... well, not so healthy in the long run. We both get turned on when we're angry for some reason *shrug*


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> For my wife and I our sexual chemistry has never really wavered throughout our marriage, hence make-up sex came rather naturally. We do have issues when:
> 1) We cross the threshold and the fight gets too serious
> 2) We have makeup sex but rug-sweep the argument
> 
> It's not always a good thing, but when it's over a minor argument then it's pretty much foreplay. Anything more... well, not so healthy in the long run. We both get turned on when we're angry for some reason *shrug*


:smthumbup: wow, another confirmation about the existence of make-up sex, and the fact that anger does turn on some people. Human behavior is much more stranger than we could imagine. There's got to be some kind of logical explanation though..


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When the wife and I have verbal fights, I never buy her flowers or anything afterwards or have make up sex. Alpha male thing.

I am a HD guy. She is a LD woman.

Up to her, sex 1 - 2x month. Up to me, sex every day and sometimes 3x a day.

We always talk about our verbal arguments and occasional fights afterwards, could be a few hours later or days, but never use make up sex.

Sex never happens with her from a fight because she is an ultra sensitive woman.


I had an ex gf way back that did have make up sex after bad fights......


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> ...I had an ex gf way back that did have make up sex after bad fights......


I wonder, how that happened? Did she initiate?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :smthumbup: wow, another confirmation about the existence of make-up sex, and the fact that anger does turn on some people. Human behavior is much more stranger than we could imagine. There's got to be some kind of logical explanation though..


Well, the makeup-sex was rather aggressive and animalistic with intense passion fueled by anger, so it can get very hot. Hence everytime we have a fight the idea of having sex in the midst of it was always on our minds waiting for one of us to provide an opportunity for an initiation. Sometimes it just happens too, especially when she starts being physical and I start restraining her then she starts breathing heavily, moaning softly, which is normally when I push her down on her paws and rip her panties off.

Sometimes it gets to the point when sex just becomes out of the question but that's just how it is, there's a threshold. My wife and I haven't had a fight since seperation however so our sex life has been rather non-dramatic as of late. I'll start a playfight for the sake of makeup sex eventually but only once we are more stable.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Thank you for the details. I never thought sexual passion can be fueled by anger too!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Argh... now I'm horny thinking about it. I'd better call my wife and think of something to fight about. Bah!

We haven't had animalistic sex for a while now.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When I'm upset I tend to distance myself emotionally until the problem is sorted out. I cannot have sex with someone I don't feel connected to, so this wouldn't work for me. Make up sex, perhaps, because presumably one would be 'celebrating' the end of the tiff and using sex as a way to emotionally reconnect.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife is making wait till midnight before she comes over... fair enough, she pretty much has to sneak out after putting our daughter to sleep. I'm going to start a fight over making me wait, cause I can't think of anything else! She's been too much of a good girl lately.

But chances are we'll probably just end up with vanilla sex. I don't know... sometimes I wonder if the whole angry sex thing has phased out since we haven't had it since seperation.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

I see, so, Mr. Cosmos. You admit that make-up sex won't work for you, but there are possibilities that it will work for other people? To help them "reconnect"?

I think this is possible, but their pre-fight sex life must have been good to begin with, right?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> My wife is making wait till midnight before she comes over... fair enough, she pretty much has to sneak out after putting our daughter to sleep. I'm going to start a fight over making me wait, cause I can't think of anything else! She's been too much of a good girl lately.
> 
> But chances are we'll probably just end up with vanilla sex. I don't know... sometimes I wonder if the whole angry sex thing has phased out since we haven't had it since seperation.


Why push for a fight though? Surely that will just add to the issues you two have. It almost sounds like you need the anger to get into sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nah we don't need it  , but I'm bored and sex has been vanilla and bit touchy feely lovey dovey as of late - which is good... I guess, but its getting routine. Hopefully she's also in the mood for something a bit more wild tonight, have to see.

Yes we can of course do something else just as kinky but I'm not going to reveal her V-day present until well... Vday (hehe she's going to flip)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> I see, so, Mr. Cosmos. You admit that make-up sex won't work for you, but there are possibilities that it will work for other people? To help them "reconnect"?
> 
> I think this is possible, but their pre-fight sex life must have been good to begin with, right?


No, it wouldn't work for me, although it might certainly work well for others. As a woman, I need to feel emotionally connected in order to have sex, and if things were testy between us I wouldn't be feeling it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Oh, I am sorry Mrs. Cosmos, I thought you're a man, that's why I referred to you as Mr in my previous post. *standing bow*

I understand what you're talking about. To some people, having a quarrel is very big turn-off. To a small minority, having a quarrel is a turn-on.  Oh well, I guess variety is the spice of life


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Never understood it. I think the subject was included in the "sponge worthy " episode of Seinfeld.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

This is what I could find Makeup Sex - 8 Monumental Sexual Experiences You Must Have



> Makeup Sex
> 
> Why it's monumental: You yell, you scream, you break some dishes. Then you make up and head right to the bedroom, where there's more screaming. But this time, the only thing you're both breaking is the sound barrier (and maybe the headboard). "When you fight, anger drives up testosterone in both men and women. If you go to bed with increased testosterone and agitation, the sex drive is going to be stronger," Fisher says. "And more fantasies may flood your mind, which increases stimulation."


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't think I'll be having makeup sex with my wife for a while after that night. Funny how this thread made me do it now I regret it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I really find the whole concept intriguing, maybe because I am not a fighter and the whole thing is the opposite of how I live.

I get that there would be intense emotion from fighting. So for some it is a turn on and for others a turn off?

Personally I crave passionate sex where the intensity comes from an uncontrollable desire to f the life out of each other. Like you have to do it if it is the last thing you do. But for me this comes from a place of love not anger.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Holland said:


> I really find the whole concept intriguing, maybe because I am not a fighter and the whole thing is the opposite of how I live.
> 
> I get that there would be intense emotion from fighting. So for some it is a turn on and for others a turn off?
> 
> Personally I crave passionate sex where the intensity comes from an uncontrollable desire to f the life out of each other. Like you have to do it if it is the last thing you do. But for me this comes from a place of love not anger.


Hmmm, I guess you can disect my wife and I's dynamic now considering how fresh it is. There's a threshold I found, like when my wife fights ABOUT sex, or we fight over her DEMANDS about sex. Then yeah, boner killer. Same if I start a fight over my own insecurity/suspicions of her which yeah, turns her off big time (and she's a nympho!)

But that night I just decided to poke at her for being late, she didn't get the hint, so I told her what I was trying to do, then (I guess she got the hint) and started a fight over me trying to start a fight over nothing lol. Then we have the 'anger flirts' and 'anger suggestions' followed by the taunts, the dares.

Hmm... come to think of it, the taunts and dares do play a big part in the trigger =/

Afterwards we cuddled and didn't even mention the fight. I guess it's because the 'fight' deliberately over something stupid that is too meaningless. The thing is though, deep inside we're both still very hurt over what happened last year - there is still residual anger but we're both ironing it out with each other.

Now that night was deliberate, other times are more spontaneous but I guess it still holds true to the rule; there's a fine line of attraction when angry, but it can go still bust like in blackjack.


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

For me, looking back, anything I would have ever considered make-up sex would have been more along the lines of Hysterical Bonding or domination/submission. Like last night for example.. I got into one of my angry moods, and the first thing that popped into my radar was testosterone (how it can make men go gaga over a woman they normally wouldn't touch in this particular instance). I started going off on my poor husband who was just trying to read the book by the guy from this forum (I forget his name, Atol or something). I rant and rave about how I hate men, I hate sex, I hate testosterone, I hate relationships, the works. He finally gets me to calm down and goes through the steps of dealing with a bipolar person in an episode and at some point in my recovering from the swing I feel like having sex with him, but also just being very angry and rough. Like I want to scratch and bite and pound his brains out. Didn't act on it, but it was there. Ironically, I think it was testosterone that fueled the entire thing.. lol. I really hate being crazy.. lol

Edit: To be more clear I suppose, it was like I wanted to punish him for being male in that instance. Not sure how great of a punishment sex is, but, there you go.. lol. That was one of my rare encounters with a situation where domination felt appealing to me. Usually I like to be more submissive.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

It's ok, a little craziness is to be expected when you're in love


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> It's ok, a little craziness is to be expected when you're in love


Yes but if that craziness is based on the emotion of anger, is it going to be detrimental in the long term? Sure sex at that time might be seriously passionate but what about the cumulative effect?

Again it might just be one of those case by case things. I just cannot respect a man that fights or is an angry person, if anything I would run away in a heartbeat, not want to have sex with him.

That is where these polls and articles can be a problem. If it leads people to believe that angry sex is normal for everyone. It really would only be OK for people that are not turned off by anger which is fine for them but for the rest of us it goes against our nature.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It depends. If the fight doesn't resolve the issue that caused the fight, then there's no emotional reconnection. There's nothing but distance, and nothing kills sexual desire for me like distance. 

_However_, some of the best sex my husband and I have ever had has been after a fight is resolved. The process of going through emotional vulnerability, having trust tested, and emerging even closer than before, creates a desire to be physically intimate. But again, it's not really "make up" sex, imo. Sex can't "make up" for harsh words and hurt feelings. But having sex after a resolved fight strengthens the emotional bond between us, imo.


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

Holland said:


> Yes but if that craziness is based on the emotion of anger, is it going to be detrimental in the long term? Sure sex at that time might be seriously passionate but what about the cumulative effect?
> 
> Again it might just be one of those case by case things. I just cannot respect a man that fights or is an angry person, if anything I would run away in a heartbeat, not want to have sex with him.
> 
> That is where these polls and articles can be a problem. If it leads people to believe that angry sex is normal for everyone. It really would only be OK for people that are not turned off by anger which is fine for them but for the rest of us it goes against our nature.


The cumulative effect can be, and in my experience, is very detrimental. Before we knew we were dealing with Bipolar, it was awful. I would yell at my husband and had no control, I didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it, and I sure didn't know what to do about it. Finally when we got the diagnosis right we still didn't really know the full scope of what we were dealing with. That's what led to his EA, or near EA however you might look at it. 

But then again, we didn't have a ton of angry sex either, mostly just the 'angry' part . In fact, the "angry sex" notion had never appealed to me one way or another until recently when I realized what was going on in my brain (chemical reactions off balance), and that I wasn't really mad at my husband, I was just mad because I was, well, crazy.

I see your point here though Holland, with the polls and articles. Sex is something very intimate and unique to each person, each couple. It's very hard to really call something "normal".. and then to set expectations off of that would be foolish..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My wife is dopamine driven. She likes to compete, to have conflict and sometimes to have combat. 

She pushes boundaries. If i were to simply roll over she would lose respect and desire for me. 

But let's be clear: fighting means being firm and enforcing boundaries. This increases respect provided your positions are generally reasonable. 

Fighting does NOT mean losing my temper and being loud or jerky. 

Example:
Day 1
Wife: (suddenly angry) i can't believe you are playing on your ipad instead of giving all your attention to this movie we are watching
Me: What? You frequently play words with friends while we watch tv. 
Wife: radiating quiet hostility 
Me: ignoring her 

A few hours later.
Wife: sorry I was being such a ***** before
Me: apology accepted

This type stuff happens fairly often. Followed by makeup sex. 

However if the fight is my fault, make up sex is less likely.





QUOTE=john_lord_b3;1438852]Hello distinguished TAM members,

I am curious to hear from you in regards to this matter. We all hear about how sex life will suffer if husband and wife always have quarrels and fights about many things, one way or another.

But apparently, some couple actually have lots of fights, and STILL able to have good sex! It is termed "make up sex" in these two articles below:

How to Have Make-Up Sex -- Have Sex After a Fight - Redbook

Poll: Does Fighting Lead To Better Sex? | YourTango

This is very strange and yet very interesting to me. 

Has any of you ever experience something like this? I read about it also, here in TAM, a member here said something to that effect. But I want to hear from others as well.

Anybody could explain how this is even possible? At school I was taught that if couples keep on fighting, their sex life will always suffer. To have it the other way (lots of fight but still have good sex life), to me is an anomaly, and worth further investigation.

Thank you for your time![/QUOTE]


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband and I used to fight like rediculous children. Thankfully, we have corrected this.

Yet, we have always had a mind-blowing sex life. Our fights were never about sex or anything else that would stand in the way of sex.

I will say though that we never had make up sex. Instead, when we were truly made up, we would be intimate again once we both had our heads on straight again. We never let our fighting join us in the bedroom. We took our space from each other (even if this meant no sex for a short period of time) and then worked things out completely (for each fight) before returning to intimacy. Therefore, none of our loving intimate feelings were negatively affected by our fighting.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

depends what and why and how the fighting occured.

but mostly I'm turned off when shes beening an a$$hole.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

For me it's not so much that anger turns me on.... it's more that I/we use sex as a 'comforter'. 

If I'm stressed, anxious, sad, angry, ...... etc... I find sex to be a stress reliever. I can still be mad at him.

I can think of times we've been arguing and we're both tossing turning in bed... one or the other will reach out during the night and we'll have sex.... it's comforting and loving AND it allows both of us to get a dose of those sleepy time hormones.

I clearly differentiate between my anger and our 'issue' and my long term love and lust for my H.

Our 'issues' have been to do with trust and lies (about money/financial situation), so TRUST is an issue for us...yet for some reason i still find myself drawn to him despite my lack of trust 

I can't explain it to be honest :scratchhead:


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

waiwera said:


> For me it's not so much that anger turns me on.... it's more that I/we use sex as a 'comforter'.
> 
> If I'm stressed, anxious, sad, angry, ...... etc... I find sex to be a stress reliever. I can still be mad at him.
> 
> I can think of times we've been arguing and we're both tossing turning in bed... one or the other will reach out during the night and we'll have sex.... it's comforting and loving AND it allows both of us to get a dose of those sleepy time hormones.


I can relate to this too at times..


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

waiwera said:


> For me it's not so much that anger turns me on.... it's more that I/we use sex as a 'comforter'.
> 
> If I'm stressed, anxious, sad, angry, ...... etc... I find sex to be a stress reliever. I can still be mad at him.
> 
> ...


Guess what? Your explanation makes PERFECT SENSE to me! Now I get it!

Your sex life was/still is satisfactory! Your lust are satiated! ANd sex is a way for you to feel good!

Your problem is something not related to sex at all (financial), so while fighting about money continues, sex could also continue!

The word I bolded above says it all.. that's all we need to know about make up sex! 

Thank you Mrs. Waiwera!


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

But when sex is the issue? It frequently is.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

StargateFan said:


> But when sex is the issue? It frequently is.


:iagree:

Yes... I was just about to post this. 

If our 'issues' we're related to sex problems or even worse infidelity I'm certain it would effect my desire/enjoyment.

There are somethings no amount of 'make-up sex' will fix!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

waiwera said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yes... I was just about to post this.
> 
> ...


Infidelity?! Off course! 

I could see make-up sex being used to lessen the impact of financial problems, ego problems, laziness problems.. but for infidelity, no way!


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