# Husband Cheated, advice appreciated



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

So My husband cheated on me a month ago. and I'm mad about it. But I want to work it out. I'm confused:scratchhead: and he doesn't understand. I will admit that my emotions with him are all over the place. I'll be okay with him all day and the slightest reminder of what he did and how he lied about it makes me so angry that it just takes us back two steps.

The first month he was great, but now he's turning it into how he was the victim. 

How it was my fault. 

How I basically pushed him to do it. 

By the way, (I honestly, did not know they had these places out here) but he went to get a massage at a place where he paid 85 bucks for sex. I heard a recording. His phone called me and left a voicemail for me. a gift if you will. 

I'm always mad and I can see how that's annoying, but I don't want to let it go that fast and let him think its okay to do what he did. I am not ready to forgive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your feelings right now are very normal. It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. He's trying to get you to just rug sweep what he did.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

Also be sure to read the sticky thread for newbies in this forum.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

where's the sticky thread, do you mind posting a link? 

and thanks, I'll look for the book, He wants me to get over it quick. He won't wait 2-5 years for me to get over it. It makes me even more angry that he's putting a rush on the "get over it" process.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Coping with Infidelity
Look at the first two threads here... they are stickied.. .meaning they stay at the top of the list



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21492-stickies-common-themes-coping-infidelity.html


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Reading for your husband

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html#post590281


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

You can tell him right now this wasn't trivial, it will take as long as it takes, and if he isn't willing to put 100% into his marriage, then you should file now, and start getting on with your life without him.

The choice to cheat was all his. All his, no matter what you did in the marriage. I'm sure you didn't put a gun to his head at the massage parlour. Did you play him the message? You are going to hear that in your head for a while, no matter what he does. He needs to own up to his failings and not try to shift the blame. You should go see a lawyer anyway, for a consultation, so that you have an accurate idea of what that option entails. 

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

Hi, I have been going through your same problem and I'm very sorry. I did some digging and found out my H was doing the massage thing for years. Also visiting Strip Clubs weekly. Check his cell phone records you may be surprised how many times he has done this.

Don't buy into his crap that is it your fault. I saw a Therapist to help my deal with this and she said my H has a sex addiction and will blame me and make excuses for his behavior. He does not feel he did anything wrong and refuses to get help. So I have decided to file for a divorce.

He took my 10 year old daughter to Vegas for a basketball tournament my son was in. When they got home my daughter told me that her dad left to get food and was gone for 45 mins. but came back empty handed. She later told me about a bar in the hotel where the girls were on poles not wearing a lot of clothing. He casually mentioned having a "beer"and I was not happy he left her alone in the room. This was two years ago and started finding out more and more what was really going on.

I just wanted to share this so you open your eyes. I thought i had a good marriage and I thought the porn was not that big of a deal. But it lead to him needing more and losing all intimacy between us. All he wanted was a quick BJ and that was it. I am hopeful that someday I will meet a man with good morals who will appreciate me and give me the respect I deserve. You really need to look at how he treats you and are you getting the love and respect you deserve. We all deserve to be happy!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read the Newbies thread - the link is in my signature.

So he got a sex massage that you heard via voicemail? Ha! That is CLASSIC.

You do know that this is not the only time he's done this, right?

If he isn't willing to accept the fact he messed up BIG TIME, kick his ass right out the damned door. DO NOT put up with him placing ANY blame on you.

If your marriage sucks, be willing to work on that with him if you want, but NEVER take any blame for HIM cheating.

You need to get tested for STD's pronto, and DO NOT have sex with him till he proves to you he's clean. Go with him for results or demand them in writing.

YOU get to call the shots, NOT HIM.

He also has to prove to you for the next however many years it takes that he is behaving himself. If he isn't willing to do this, boot him out.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

He got a happy ending massage....

BTW, it's not your fault, tell him to shut his trap and deal with it.

Be a man and take responsibility for his actions or you will take other actions to protect yourself from him.


----------



## juli (Jan 4, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Do you have kids? How long have you been married?
> 
> You can tell him right now this wasn't trivial, it will take as long as it takes, and if he isn't willing to put 100% into his marriage, then you should file now, and start getting on with your life without him.
> 
> ...


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

Not sure that I'd accuse him of doing it many times before. Because we share everything financially. I know where the money goes, and we don't spend that much time apart besides him working. He doens't go out with friends and I don't really either. Not because we don't want to, but just because it doens't happen and we would rather spend time at home. We have three kids. He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again. I know things were rough before this, but this is the first time that I've had questions for him that he couldn't answer and kept coming up with lies. 

Since it happened though, he's changed dramatically. Like he is giving me no reason to think that he doens't want to make this work. Its only been a month, but that month has been the longest in years that he seems to want to be here... My thing is that my anger keeps "pushing" him away. and he wants me to get over it, move on, and be "happy".... I can't get over it like he wants me to. It feels fresh, and I can still hear it. and what bugs me about is that that day I told him that I wanted to go to watch a movie in the theatre with the kids, the money he wasted on the ***** prevented that. 

He says he's embarrassed. He doesn't get angry like before, he's more attentive and loving... I know that he has to change if he wants to stay. BUt I gave him the option to keep doing that and he just dones't want to leave. We got married young, I dated more guys and he only had one girlfriend before we got married. And then my mom made us get married because I got pregnant. SHe gave us two weeks. I had no idea that I could say no. and he went with it because he wanted to be in our daughters life. for years though he had so much anger towards me because of how everything turned out and started, but now he doens't want to leave. he says that was how he got it out. 

and he got checked out for STDs and was clean. it was one of those things that was noticed right away because he's so stupid that way.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lyngreen504 said:


> He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again.


Uh, pardon me?!?!?! He's been trying to cheat on you for years and you keep catching him?? WTF are you doing?!!! Why are you with this........this.......person? And I use the term loosely.

Have you read any of the links suggested above?


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

CH said:


> He got a happy ending massage...


Where is a barf smilie when we need one?


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> Where is a barf smilie when we need one?


Have at it...


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

No haven't read any links yet. 

and yea I know it sounds bad, but since he never cheated before I would get mad and then we would be okay. When ever we had an arguement a few weeks later I'd find something. then he would go a year, and nothing, but then a big fight and a weeks later he was looking again. He's a hot head. Plain and simple. The slightest thing would piss him off and he'd blow up at anyone. 

It's behavior that was being excused by everyone, because of how he was raised. He's mom and dad got divorced when he was like a year old and when he was 2 she didn't want him, kept the sister and he went to live with his dad, who bragged for years (when we first got together)that he knew what a thong was before his ABCs. He grew up around a lot of anger, lots of vulgar language, and around a man who prioritized his life according to how much he was into the woman he was with at the time. Its disgusting. 

But, although my husband has tried to not be like him, its a habit thats hard because its whats he's seen growing up. That's why I've stuck around. Since he cheated and saw how angry I got and how disgusting he looks to me now, he's completely changed. He doens't like to be compared to his father. and he knows that I have no problem divorcing him, He thinks he's going to keep our son and our daughters because that's what happened to him, but clearly, I'm not like that. 

I can't believe she did that to him, so I would NEVER let him have my son with out a fight.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What do you mean, he never cheated?? He was looking for - actively looking for - sex with other women. You don't consider that cheating??

And really, you think that the one and only time he did actually get sexual satisfaction with another women he happened to butt dial your number? Uh, yeah, ok.

PLEASE read the links. You really do need to wake up here.


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

"He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again."

So he is most likely a serial cheater, and this is most likely not the first time. The reason he wants you to get over it, is so he can continue doing what he has been doing the entire relationship. It is time for you to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.


----------



## juli (Jan 4, 2013)

yes 12 yr old 7 yr old,,,and bang twins 16 months ago,,,thats when it started,,,it was a shock,,,i even got hemiplegic towards the end of my pregnancy,,im an md,,hes been an emotionally abusive person all along,,with ups n downs,,,punishes me all the time with his silent tretment for weeks unless i apologise and say im sorry,,controls all the financials and refused me to work,,im a doctor i tell you,,he blames it all on me,,,he does get physical or pushes me to the limit so i can push hime where he would chase me from room to room and laugh at me when im angry,,,when this happened he used to go out frequently and be late at night,,,and maybe drunk,,,hes not alcoholic,,and now after having tried sooo hard with all this haunting me,,,the first serious argument and he goes out and satys out till early hours,,,this isnt about to change ,,,i know i feel soo sad for myself and my kids,,,im 38yrs old,,,and will have my familys support,,also to add,,he viedotapes arguments,,and voice records our arguments too,,,continuously threats me to take the kids if i think of divorcing him,,,hes full of sssssssss,,,i know


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

No, I don't consider that cheating because it was stuff that I did too. It was never an EA, It was never something that we'd leave each other for. It was stuff we did cuz we were young. He was the first to cross that boundary though. and No. his butt didn't dial. I know for sure. I have my reasons. I'm saying it was a voicemail for a reason. I have access to everything he owns including money, and I don't work for money, I work at home. It sounds a lot worse to you guys because you werne't there and you don't know the situation. Yes, he did cheat, but my family was first and trying to fix us was a priority. When things are good they're great. 

He and I have been unhappy for years, arguing over the little things. He held a lot against me and I held a lot against him. It was little grudges that grew and grew and just kept piling on more grudges till finally he broke. my anger comes from knowing and understanding how bad our relationship was, but I never took that step first. We grew up in broken families. I grew up in a family that was together but abusive and he grew up in a "not" together family that turned out to be just as abusive with time. He grew up alone basically. He sees it and he knows what he has to change, but its like my habits and your habits, they're a lot easier said than done to change. 

My anger I think comes more from being the victim than from being the person who cheated. I've told him repeatedly since this happened, that I was in the same marriage as he and didn't cheat so its no excuse for what he did. and He understands, but doesn't know what its like to be in my shoes. He might someday, because things change. 

As far as to call him a serial cheater, I personally wouldn't go that far, because like I said I've always known where he is, who he's with, how much he's spending, and blah blah blah. 

I'm working it out with him right now because this is the first time he's crossed that boundary. We've been together for almost eight years next month. I've watched Dr. Phil, watch a lot actually, and there is one thing I can that I can agree with. WHen it comes to a divorce with children involved, its best to leave each other mutually and with no anger. I'm not at point where I'm ready to say good bye for good and neither is he, otherwise he wouldn't of had made a complete turn around. His cousin is like my best friend and knows everything, even she's noticed a huge difference in him. He is constantly reminding me how much he's sorry and how much he wants to be here. 

I've made one thing clear to him. My father cheated on my mom from the moment she got pregnant with my sister till I was 14. I was 3 when my sister was born. That's a total of almost 12 years. First mistake, shame on him, second mistake shame on me. I completely understand that and he does too. I won't wait for him to change if he's a repeat offender. I'm trying to be forgiving and understanding of the situation (like I said, I was in the marriage and It wasn't a good one), but I'm not stupid. 

I also spoke to some friends that were in relationships that ended up similarily and although still have their issues they're going on strong and their most important advice was to not make a decision based on anger. And that's why I'm here, the slightest reminder or memory of it ticks me off. They told me to wait it out and seek counsel before making that final decision.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

*He spent years looking for other women for NSA type stuff, and because I was always a step ahead of him technologically, I always caught him, then he would calm down and start up again. I know things were rough before this, but this is the first time that I've had questions for him that he couldn't answer and kept coming up with lies.

No, I don't consider that cheating because it was stuff that I did too. It was never an EA, It was never something that we'd leave each other for. It was stuff we did cuz we were young.

I'm working it out with him right now because this is the first time he's crossed that boundary.
*
^^If it wasn't cheating and you both did it (were you both ok with it?), why would you "catch him" at anything? What is the boundary anyway? Looking for NSA sex is ok but you "caught him" at it multiple times. But going to a massage parlor is not ok. I'm probably just a little confused by your different posts.

I'm not saying doing any of the things you mention are ok things to do while married but was he confused by what was ok and what wasn't? Still, not ok and not an excuse, but as explained the line in the sand seems blurred to me.

On my re-read of your posts, are you upset because he outright lied this time? IMO, you caught him looking for NSA sex before.....he didn't just come out and tell you without being confronted over it. That's admitting truthfully but when he was looking NSA sex up, and before you caught him each time, he was lying by omission because he wasn't just telling you straight out what he was doing. A lie is a lie, whether right to your face or by omission.

Sorry, but I would bet he's done more than you think/know. Most of them have. It doesn't always require any money or much time. I thought I had a really good marriage, solid, when I discovered my fWS was involved with one of his coworkers. I also have control of all the money in our household - made no difference. I don't believe my fWS frequented massage parlors but he certainly made time for his coworker - in his car, during their lunch hour, during work time, work breaks. Like you describe about your marriage, we aren't overly social people either. 

If someone wants to do something badly enough, they will find a way. If you plan to reconcile, and it sounds like you do, it's best to verify what you are being told and take nothing for granted. His good behavior could be due to running scared right now, or not, but I would assume nothing. He's proven he's capable of deceit, or attempting as much, and nothing changes overnight. Behaving or speaking remorsefully is nothing if he's not doing all the heavy lifting and being completely transparent right now, to name just a couple of things.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

I don't think its impossible to think that this was his first time. So I can't say that he's done it before. And If I start assuming that he has with no evidence to prove it just because some husband/wives are repeat offenders it would drive me insane. I'm not going to put myself through that right now, I have enough to worry about without assuming and changing in my mind the how the past 7/8 years have been. 

And everything in our past has been dealt with individually on his part and mine. You're taking things out of context. The past few years of my life cannot be summed up in a blog. Every situation was different and individualzied and I havent' been an angel towards him either. We have made it to a point in our lives now that we want to grow up. In the past month, although its only been a month, we have had conversations that we have never been able to have. We have been able to communicate on a level that we've never been able to reach before. 

Even tonight, we went to dinner for my birthday and we had such a heart to heart conversation that he even got teary eyed. And if you knew my husband you would know that he's a mans man in every sense. Raised to be macho and to be alpha male in every sense. He does not cry. 

I know whats okay and whats not okay and he and I haven't been angels towards each other at times, But one thing that we can agree on is that we've done things to hurt each other on purpose because of all the anger we had inside. 

This probably sounds stupid, but All the sudden we're both on the same page. Every day Iexperience anger less, but its the reminders and the details of it that make me angry. We relate on a different level. 

I can't say that he's only doing that and acting right because he wants to do it again, because relationships do SURVIVE infedelity. Its not impossible. It doesn't happen for everyone and it might not be us later on, but we're both trying at this point. My problem specfically is that he's trying more than I am, because I am mad more. and I told him that He's going to have to put in 80% and me 20%, but I dont' want to push him away completely and think that I don't care about him, because I do. 

I'm not asking for advice on making a decision on whether or not to stay with him, (our past is our past and has been dealt with as each situation came about individually). I am hoping someone can give me insight and advice on how to get over the anger, you know? I've made my decision to stick it out through this (although I won't again).

It's not impossible to move past this in a healthy manner. (if that doens't work then it didn't work.) But If I didn't try my hardest, I would always wonder, what if? 

At the moment: he is trying and putting in more effort than me and more than I would have expected. I have been putting in 20% and I'm ready to up that to 40%, but I have to learn how to get past the anger, although every day does get easier.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

So getting physical once is ok, but twice is not? That would be an absolute deal breaker? And you believe it has only happened once, because you think he is too stupid, essentially, to have gotten away with it under your watchful gaze? Right. I'm going to resist the urge to be sarcastic, cause you're not here for that, and it would be pointless. I don't think either of you has the first clue as to how to behave in a relationship. You like Dr. Phil, so that's as good a place to start as any. Get his relationship rescue book and work book, and put in real, genuine effort into working through them. Get your husband to commit to that too. About the anger, its a choice you are making. That's all, when you are ready, you will stop making that choice, not before. Your husband can delay that point a lot, if he chooses to stop accepting his responsibility for what he has done.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

"Getting physical once" is not okay, I never said that. As far as deal breakers go, it would be if we had no kids and were just starting off. But I am choosing to work it out because he is trying that much harder to get me to stay with him. If he wasn't, of course this wouldn't work out. Yes, I do believe its only happened once. Before him I dated someone over a couples years and cheated on him. I did it only once. and just that one time, I was young and stupid and he chose to stay with him for a couple years after that in my late teens. Its not impossible to think that its possible to cheat once. I was there. Its possible. I know my husband a lot better than you do, so please don't assume or try and compare him to other men just because repeat offenders do exist. I said it above, If I start assuming that he did this plenty of times with out proof, whats the point in even trying to trust someone. You're right we didn't know how relationships worked. For heavens sake we had horrible role models!! 

We were in our late teens when we got together, got pregnant 9 months into our relationship and married four months later. We held a lot of resentment against each other. I think I said that already somewhere here. Since he's cheated he's changed. I'm not asking for advice on whether or not to stay with him, I want advice on how to get over the anger. 

It doens't seem like anyone here has been cheated on, and has experience the spouse and themselves trying to stay together.. I say this was his first time cheating on me and everyone wants me to assume that he's done it before. I believe that people make mistakes, ONCE is forgivable if the "victim" chooses to forgive and twice is not... I've caught him once, I'm not going to assume that he's cheated before because I've never had proof or the slightest inclination that he's had time to cheat. I said before, I know where he is and who he is with at all times. Since we've gotten married, we've been that attached to each other. NO one else knows what we have gone through. 

and thank you for the information on the rescue book, at this point my husband is willing to do whatever I want and need him to do to get to a healthy point. not many men are willing to do that. I have to defend him there. I said above, he's done what I've asked and put in 80% and is okay with my 20%. I'm just ready to put in more now. All I want is advice from someone who has dealt with infedelity and has gotten ovre the anger. A direction would be nice. All I have now, is some techniques from another website on how to decrease thought time about it. I'm looking for personal experiences for some help. 

He's trying.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I get where you are coming from. There are people on this board, a lot actually, who don't believe infidelity is impossible to overcome. I would venture to say though, most would say a lot depends on the cheater taking full responsibility for their choices. You are correct, I do not know your husband. All I have to go on is what you have written, and the fact that he is a human, most likely American. The reason you have a bunch of people going off on this tangent of repeated infidelity, and nor focussing on your precise question about anger, is because of the background you have provided. You keep saying we don't know your circumstances precisely, your situation, your husband is unique. It isn't. He isn't. If you read enough accounts of infidelity common themes emerge, patterns of behaviour. Your description has everyone's alarms going off like crazy about your husband's behaviour that you notice. That type of behaviour usually goes with other things that the betrayed spouse was completely in the dark about. They swear there was no way their spouse could have done the things they did, but they were wrong. Sound familiar? What you are being told is that you need to know just exactly what it is that you are trying to get over. Exactly who you are married to. And the likelihood that you have even that basic bit of information right now is extremely low. You are right about a relationship without trust, it just isn't worth anything in the end, but neither is one where the trust given is abused and misplaced. No one here giving advice has anything at all invested in your relationship. It is given only in the interest of helping you. The lack of investment means you can get a more objective take on the situations you describe because we have nothing to gain or lose really.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

Yes, American. lol. and I will take responsibility for making it sound worse than it really was. That was definitely some of the anger speaking. Two days ago I was in a darker place than I am today, but he's definitely made it easier since then. 

And trust me when I say I know about infedelity. My father cheated on my mother for 12 years. When I was 8 I knew what it meant to sleep with other women and what cheating meant (listened to way too many fights). I do NOT want the same life as my mothers, but I do see a difference in my husband compared to my fathers. my father did not care to try to work it out with my mom, he just got worse and worse as soon as he got caught. my mom stayed for my sister and I. I know what I'm looking for in him and I expected to see some of my dad in him, but he has completely surprised me in how he's handling "us" now. 

And no I wasn't in the dark about it.  I know that its possible even in the best of the relationships out there. I wasn't surprised about it and i"m not crying about it like I thought I would have. i'm more on the angry side. I'm not depressed about it. I've read some accounts about how they were completely surprised and in the dark, caught of guard... No... That's not me. I was actually really calm when I told him to leave. I've never told him to leave before this. I got that from my mother. The only difference was that when my mother told my father to leave, he left and left with a vengeance, but that's a wholeNother story. I told him to leave and he did not. He wanted to stay and has been fighting every day to stay. The memories of what happened do spark up anger right away, I need help there. 

he didn't destroy me as a person. He didn't break me. I don't cry. I'm composed and normal in front of people. I'm stronger than I thought I would be if it happened. I think that surprised him. I don't think he expected that from me. 

And you're right about the advice given. I appreciate it A LOT, trust me when I say that. But because I've made my decision is staying, the advice to start assuming he's a different man, has cheated repeatedly, I even got someone telling me that I should wake up... I know what I'm looking for in a cheater and in a man that is trying to work it out or not. Right now, I see a husband and father desparately trying to stay. When I first wrote this I was angry because I kept grilling him for details and than he went off to say that it was my fault. I didn't allow that. No matter how bad our relationship was communication wise, I will not allow him to blame me for what he did. That's just absurd. I was angry about that. But that's the problem. Before he had the short fuse, and now he's the patient one and I have the short fuse. 

I'm usually the emotional type, but we've flipped roles. The anger I'm not used to, so I do need help there. I might seek counseling by myself and with him through our insurance to help us out and like I said, he's more than willing to attend. 

I just saw such a difference in him, that I couldn't just turn my back on him. I know he's just human and American. lol. Raised in a hell of a lot of problems and neglect. Giving him the chance to change and be a different role model for our children. I will not allow it again. i would be very disappointed in him.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So exactly what advice are you looking for then?? You apparently don't like the advice you've been given so far.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Lyngreen

You both come from a fractured family that was not very nourishing. You both have years of resentment for each other. Your husband cheated and you want to save the marriage but you are so angry. Also, you spoke of several things that indicate that your husband is really remorseful and serious about R.

You are not going to make this marriage and family work by yourself. Coming here to this internet forum is good but not near enough. You and your husband are going to have to be open and DO EXACLLY what a proven competent counselor tells you. *That means that you will have to do some things that you do not want, that your emotions fight against, and that you do not understand.[/B]

You may balk at this but you have tried it your way for years and what do you have? As Dr. Phil says “How has that been working for you?”

The counselor does not have to be a person with a PhD it can be a person that has dealt with some of the issues you have and has a PROVEN track record of more than 20-30 years of SUCCESSFULL marriage.

You being angry and wanting to put in 20-40% is no where near your responsible part in making this marriage work. I know that he is the guilty one in the infidelity and that is terrible but you must be part of the healing. You said that he is really changed so he is giving what 70%---80% -90%?

For you both to win in this battle you will both have to give 90-100% most of the time.
You must be willing to take the pain, get up after having a set back, and not give up.
Your emotional health and your children’s nourishment are at stake.

You and your husband must be willing to do everything in order to benefit your marriage and your children. No excuses about your childhood families, no excuses that you are hurt to the bone, no excuses that I do not believe in forgiveness until they have earned it; you are just going to have to look at WHAT WORKS and then DO IT!!!


Do not believe any one that tells you that you cannot recover after infidelity that is either their ignorance talking because maybe they have failed.

You can recover and according to one poster (WAZZA) on this forum your marriage can be BETTER that before!!

It is up to you and your husband to get the help that you need to be successful*


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

Thank you so much! See I really do want to make it work and yes He is putting in the work at that high of a percentage. And I was putting in 20%, but I'm getting advice that seems negative towards me wanting to keep my family together so it makes me feel bad that I'm letting him off that easy. I feel that others want me to be angry at him for years to come, but I dont' want to push him away. I honestly can't believe how much he's changed. He was always angry before and short fused, but, its different now and he's consistant. After a fight before he was consistent for a day or two and back to fighting. Now we havent' even gotten into fights because he doesn't let it get that bad. Its me that's been stubborn towards him. Society tells me to be spiteful because he messed up. And yes, I wish it didn't happen and I won't tolerate it again, but I believe in second chances. If it were me, I'd want a second chance. if I didn't do what I had to do to change I'd understand if he left me because of second,third mistake. we are very open with each other right now. I want to keep our marriage the way it is now, and he keeps telling me he does too. 

I appreciate your advice. I said I was ready to put in more even if that means I have to let go some of that anger. I owe it to my kids to give it a shot again if he's that willing to. 

Thank you so much, I needed to hear that!!


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So exactly what advice are you looking for then?? You apparently don't like the advice you've been given so far.


It's not that I didn't like the advice, it's just that I made my decision to stay with him and work it out when I didnt' kick him out. He didn't want to leave right away and it seems like all the advice given was negative and making me sound stupid for putting up with it. I appreciate the comments. 

I'm the type that unless I'm sure on a decision I will not tell my family what is going on because I don't want to contaminate the relationships between my husband and them because they are good relationships. If I tell my family they will choose a side and it will be me. So I came on here on help on how to get over it, how to move on, how to get rid of the anger and any advice on how to help move past infedelity. If you notice most of the comments were "you really need to wake up here", You don't consider that cheating? people want me to assume he's done it before and that he's this complete horrible package. 

but he's not. hes' a good father and a good person, He wants to be a good husband now (took him a while, but he's trying)I just want to try and move past this and the anger was getting in the way, but I got the advice I needed and the hubby has been helping to be honest. We're both different people now and he's clear on where his priorities are right now, there's no blurred line between them, and i'm where I want to be in his "priority hierarchy". We will be doing counseling to keep it going in a positive direction though. Our kids are importnat to the both of us and that means keeping us healthy. 

This made us grow up and I like who he has become. I just want to work on me now cuz I'm not giving him my best. But I realize that and wanted someone to tell me that I have to if I want it to work. 

Thank you Mr_Blunt. :smthumbup:


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would suggest you read the links that people have suggested. What you are doing is called rugsweeping, and it never ends well. It's great that you want to work on things and get over this, but until you address the fact he cheated on you, and has likely been doing it for years, that ain't gonna happen.

I kicked my husband out on D day. I doubt we'd be together today if I hadn't. It's totally counter intuitive, but it works. Perhaps your husband has woken up and made changes for the better. but he's going to have to prove it. If you don't make him prove it, next time he he isn't looking for it to happen, it will happen again.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

I honestly in my heart and my knowledge tells me that he hasn't been doing that for years, because I would feel disgusted and I would not even want to work it out with him. Thats disgusting and unforgivable. My father was a repeat cheater and 1 offense is all I'm willing to forgive. Just because this happened once, does not mean it happened 100 times over 7 years. We got together really young, we had a rough marriage, didn't learn how to communicate and were given the option to get married or it was over. Literally, he is always with me. That's how I knew what happened. 

I know he cheated. I understand what he did, still disgusting, still gross... We're still working on it. and I'm still angry about it. I cant kick him out with out without it being over. I live in a multifamily home where I have pure family there. Immediate and extended. if he leaves, there is no chance we get back together because I hate explaining myself to my family. And like I said, he leaves, relationships are torn because they will choose a side. 

I'm no rugsweeping because he's still proving it to my self. I never said, I have forgiven him because I haven't. He's still waiting for me to say that. I said that I'm working on it with him. He's still my kids father and he's still my husband. He still supports me so I can finish school. He is still doing everything in his power to stay. And I'm still mad about it. 

I sought advice to see if it was okay to put in the work as well. Because I'm not perfect and over the years I have also become a bitter person towards him. Its not like he cheated after I was the perfect wife, I didn't treat him nice and I was always pissed off at him for things like watching TV after work, snoring. The same way I pissed him off for little things he'd piss me off. The gudges we held against each other for getting married early, having kids too early, not finishing school, him having to work his butt off at a strenuous job so that I can finish school. It got to him, just like it got to me. 

I'm putting in the work even though I haven't forgiven him. he's still proving. He's under probation. And we're still seeking help. Kicking him out would have been the death of us. I know that for sure. Others are different but our families are so close to us that there would have been no chance. This is our chance and the only one. 

I appreciate your comment though.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you would read the links, you would know that you working on your part in the marriage dynamic is essential to your own recovery, and to starting over on your marriage. There are two separate issues though
1) the state of your marriage before D day
2) the fact he chose to cheat on you

The two are completely separate from each other.


----------



## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

Yea I started reading them last night and will try and read one every day at least. I'm also gonna have him read the one that is meant for the "cheater". It was right on point in almost everything said. 

Definitely feel like I need to start that recovery process.

Thankyou Hope!


----------

