# Losing ground in my marraige.



## 3marlenas (Feb 23, 2013)

Here is my story, I am not perfect and I have made some bad decisions in my life but I have never cheated on my wife and I think I am still in love with her but....
I am 48 yr old male my wife is 42. Kids 3 boys 14,18,20 married 21 yrs

3 years ago I caught my my in a emtional affair with a new friend we met on a couples camping weekend. She said it started innocently and one thing led to another. I found(quanities) text messages and calls and pictures on the phone bill that extended about 2 months from this man. I'll call him #1, I was hurt and frustrated and she said it was nothing but they had sent nude photos to each other, said she only kissed once but did talk about having sex in the future before I busted them. He also had sent 2 videos of himself masterbating. She said they never had sex, I didn't believe her but forgave her and went on with our marriage. She and him told me they would not have anymore private contact with each other. #1 was in and out of our lives thru mutual friends. I was uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it. #1 then was allowed to go back to my wifes FB without asking me and then eventually start texting each other again.
Now last fall it happened again with a different man. #2. This time I recovered email messages of a email i did not have the PW for till after I busted her. Again, same stuff but no sex, but were planinning on it. This emotional affair tho included alot of "I love yous". So I confronted this man told his wife and he has stayed away. Oh by the way #1 is married also and his wife has informed me #1 has had 5 sexaul affairs in the past. But she won't divorce him. 
So I nicly talked to #1 again after the #2 ordeal and asked him to stop texting my wife and inbox on FB. It lasted maybe 6 weeks and they were back at it again. I tried blocking him but my wife is got upset and says she is doing nothing wrong and they are just friends. I'm seeing a therapist.
My wife constantly is checking my phone and FB, she is paraniod about me. ??? I logged out of my FB just to give HER a peace of mind that I am not doing anything. But she says I can't control her ??? What is happening here? Why is this happening? What is so important about #1 that she needs to stay connected with him. She swears there is nothing going on. I want to trust her but her past record just gets me thinking HELP!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Tell her, "I cannot control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept and not accept in a marriage. Based on your past inappropriate behavior with #1 and #2, I cannot accept you having any contact with either of them ever again. You are FREE to do whatever you want, AS AM I. What I choose to do, will be based on what you choose to do. I am not willing to accept into my marriage two men who my wife has cheated on me with. You can either give up all contact with them, or I will file for divorce. No control. You have choices and I have choices."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So #1 sent all sorts of videos, nude pictures, talked about having sex and when they met they only "kissed". 

My friend "just kissing" is not what adults do - unless they mean kissing things on the body besides the face. 

Why are you still with this woman? Two affairs - that's what they are - affairs - and you are on the defensive because she is checking your phone? That's a ploy. The best defense is a strong offense. That's her game. 

Go see a family law attorney tomorrow. Find out what is required from you and her in case of a divorce. You need to do this to make it "official" - she has 'divorced you in her mind' and is only living with you for whatever reasons; likely to not lose the kids, and to avoid poverty. Maybe those are reasons you want to remain married too. 

However, if you remain in this situation "married in name/divorced in fact" then it is only her that is reaping the benefits of a satisfying emotional and sexual relationship.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

rule #1 for cheaters we just kissed= we had sex sorry but your wife has EA and PA you and you are letting her do it File for D you can always stop it late but maybe MAYBE it will scare her enough to get her to stop


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man you get to stop this nosense.
She can't possibly remain friends with a man she cheated with!
Rubish. It's ridiculous.

It's very simple; she sends an standard NC letter to OM1, she remains transparent (passwords, etc) for now on, she fully disclose all what went on.
You can add what you want; MC, IC, reading Not Just Friends.. whatever.

This or divorce: no barganing, no compromises, no exceptions.
She contacts OM again and you file for D. Period.

On her back you keylogg the PC, you bug her phone, you set up VARs... you adopt the "trust but verify" policy.

Of course you have to be sure to enforce those - perfectly natural - boundaries, otherwise you loose even more.

Read a few threads here, you need to be be firm on this once for all.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

3marlenas said:


> Here is my story, I am not perfect and I have made some bad decisions in my life but I have never cheated on my wife and I think I am still in love with her but....
> I am 48 yr old male my wife is 42. Kids 3 boys 14,18,20 married 21 yrs
> 
> 3 years ago I caught my my in a emtional affair with a new friend we met on a couples camping weekend. She said it started innocently and one thing led to another. I found(quanities) text messages and calls and pictures on the phone bill that extended about 2 months from this man. I'll call him #1, I was hurt and frustrated and she said it was nothing but they had sent nude photos to each other, said she only kissed once but did talk about having sex in the future before I busted them. He also had sent 2 videos of himself masterbating. She said they never had sex, I didn't believe her but forgave her and went on with our marriage. She and him told me they would not have anymore private contact with each other. #1 was in and out of our lives thru mutual friends. I was uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it. #1 then was allowed to go back to my wifes FB without asking me and then eventually start texting each other again.
> ...


You seem ready to take whatever your wife dishes out. You cannot "nice" her out of the affair. The only way to get her out of it is to be tough and demonstrate that you can and will divorce her if she doesn't stop.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

She knows she can manipulate you and she does. Point because you check on her she gets angry and makes you feel bad. Sorry you are a Nice Guy.

1. She violated your vows, she sent nude pictures to this man and still wants to be in contact with him? MAJOR RED FLAG 

Need to do as others have said.

Get ready to find out she probably had sex with this guy but knows she can manipulate you because you love her. She has lied to you about knowing this man and you think she cannot lie to you that she had sex? 

I know you want to believe her because your marriage is sacred to you but you really know but don't want to admit it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Acabado said:


> This or divorce, no barganing, no compromises, no exception.
> She ontacts OM again and you file for D. Period.


:iagree:

OM#1 has had at least 5 sexual affairs that his wife is aware of,so honestly why does your wife remain in contact with him.Even if your wife was a naive saint this guy needs to be gone.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP

You need to act and you need to act fast. Read my story in my link if you want to know what failure means. The long and the short is you loose your wife and kids. On top of this while your waiting to get divorced it won't just be facebook texting. It will end up being actual phone calls in front of you. Again read my story to understand what failure means.

You need to smash that computer and smash her phone. You then need to hand her divorce papers and a appointment card for the therapist. Tell her pick one, but your not taking her sh1t anymore. 

Then proceed to tell EVERYONE. Again Tell EVERYONE. Tell everyone in her family, your kids. Her mother and father, Her aunts and uncles. Tell everyone in OM 1 and OM 2 family. 

The reason for blowing her up is to have everyone calling her and keeping her busy trying to dance around WTF she is doing. What that will do is keep her busy enough to stay away from these guys. 

On top of this Pack her bags and call her family to come and get her. 

Nutshell you need to show her your not fvcking around and that your a harda$$. 

Trust me I understand you want to be the understanding man and find out what is wrong with your wife, and you will. But NOT RIGHT NOW.. 

It is all psychological, its all role reversal stuff. You need to blow up her life so bad that she can't get on the defensive long enough. 

What will happen is the shock of all of this might be enough to wake her up out of this *"infidelity fog"* ( just google it and you will see what it is ).

If you go at this slow and easy she will have enough time to react and defend herself to anyone who speaks to her. She will deflect and start blaming you for phantom reasons and you WILL fall for them. 

Again read my story and you will see how I blame myself a bit at first. 

The reality is there is no, zero, none, zilch of an excuse to have an affair. Short of abusing her there is nothing you could have done that equals affair. 

So you need to act fast and just go all blitzkrieg on her. 

The final thing you need to do is the 180.. Some needs to link that. I think walkonmars might have it in his signature. 

Again I know its hard. I know you want to cry and beg her to stop that it is killing you inside. Trust me she will not care.

What she needs to see from you is that your a no nonsense type of guy. One that is not to be messed around with. 

Again it is about shocking her. If enough people start telling her WTF are you doing, it will shame her enough that once you give her the therapy card she will go. Then is when you start to find out things. But now your in combat mode. 

Trust me you cannot wait a single day.. You cannot try to do things your way and then think you will switch to this. It will be too late.

Again read my Sh1tty story.


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## 3marlenas (Feb 23, 2013)

I need to add a few things, first of all i am madly in love with this woman, have been since i said i do, I know what she did was wrong, she knows too. we went to council together at first didn't get much out of it, i'm getting more by going by myself. Divorce seems so harsh, finacially and losing all I have worked for in retirement and house and property. She says but she has said before she won't text of FB #1 anymore but he is a friend in a group of friends and I can't just make him go away. #2 lives in town and I have not seen him since, funny thing #1 and #2 are buddies go figure! I have threatened divorce. I am good at conversation but she is better in argument, your right she turns things around and makes me look like the bad person. I'm just very confused and hurt and nobody I talk to helps. most all know about(friends and Family) #1 and #2 because I did expose her because I thought it would slow her down, friends just look over the situation cause we are such fun people and they don't want to see us apart i'm guessing. And they all like #1, he is so deciving i want to puke. He is married 2 kids(teens) and now has a GF. Exposed in front of all. Even his wife!! WTF? He is a pig and I want no part of him.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Maybe all the guys in your social group are doing her and #1 sent his friend #2 over to help him out. Since they're friends, maybe they were having threesomes. Maybe they all have open marriages like #1. In fact, you seem to have an open marriage, at least as far as your wife is concerned.

If you don't want to stand up and end these affairs, why not participate? You can put up her ad on all the Swinger's websites and be the one to pick out her partners, like that football coach in New York, and you can watch. It's called the "hot wife" lifestyle.


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## 3marlenas (Feb 23, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3marlenas (Feb 23, 2013)

Good advise I think thats the best choice yet. Maybe I'll just go OJ on all of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You claim to be "madly in love" with a woman who has so little respect for you that she won't even extend the common courtsey to refrain from interacting with a well known and unremorseful lothario. One she herself was engaged with at the very least innappropriate sex play. 

What exactly is the basis for your "madly in love" emotion? Because honestly my brother, I would be enraged. I would be disgusted. I would feel horribly betrayed. I don't "madly love" people who enrage, disgust, and betray me. Not at all.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Is she for real ?? It's wives like this that give women a bad name...
Sorry O.P., not only you're losing ground, but you've become the ground and she's walking all over you. She knows you love her, she knows a divorce would cost you, and she thinks you can't do a thing. You need to grow back your spine.
What she does is not acceptable. If those affairs were not PAs, you can consider them PAs, because she INTENDED to go there. It was only a matter of circumstances if she didn't, not that she didn't plan to. Your wife is not faithful to you neither physically or emotionally.
Do you really want to suck it up, always forgive her, and live like this for the rest of your life? Because she won't change, be sure of that.


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## IsthisInsanity? (Feb 18, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Tell her, "I cannot control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept and not accept in a marriage. Based on your past inappropriate behavior with #1 and #2, I cannot accept you having any contact with either of them ever again. You are FREE to do whatever you want, AS AM I. What I choose to do, will be based on what you choose to do. I am not willing to accept into my marriage two men who my wife has cheated on me with. You can either give up all contact with them, or I will file for divorce. No control. You have choices and I have choices."


WOW, u really have to say that to your wife. This is by far the smartest comment i have ever read in any forum. Perfect!!!


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## IsthisInsanity? (Feb 18, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> If those affairs were not PAs, you can consider them PAs, because she INTENDED to go there.


:iagree: 100%


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

3marlenas said:


> I need to add a few things, first of all i *madly want to continue the status quo with my wife and want her to continue to love me*, have been since i said i do, I know what she did was wrong, she *pretends to care*. we went to council together at first didn't get much out of it, i'm getting more by going by myself *except any sense of self respect and resolve to keep her on the straight and narrow*. Divorce seems so harsh, finacially and losing all I have worked for in retirement and house and property *which she is driving you toward by her continuing action*. She says but she has said before she won't text of FB #1 anymore but he is a friend in a group of friends and I can't just make him go away *and I'd rather have my wife fvck around than offend my friends or have to lose them*. #2 lives in town and I have not seen him since, funny thing #1 and #2 are buddies go figure! I have threatened divorce *and she doesn't believe a word*. I am good at conversation but she is better in argument *and she is arguing to continue to see these 'friends' who just happen to have her two wannabe (if not in fact REAL) lovers around.*, your right she turns things around and makes me look like the bad person *for wanting a faithful wife*. I'm just very confused and hurt and nobody I talk to helps *because they are not really your friends. They are HER friends.*. most all know about(friends and Family) #1 and #2 because I did expose her because I thought it would slow her down, friends just look over the situation cause we are such fun people *I'm sure your wife is very fun* and they don't want to see us apart i'm guessing *but they would rather see the drama of 1 chase and bag your wife instead of run interference to save your marriage*. And they all like #1, he is so deciving i want to puke. He is married 2 kids(teens) and now has a GF. Exposed in front of all. Even his wife!! WTF? He is a pig and I want no part of him.*Your wife only wants a small part of him*


Sorry...my editing monkey took over.

So the question is: what are you going to do about it?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Maybe all the guys in your social group are doing her and #1 sent his friend #2 over to help him out. Since they're friends, maybe they were having threesomes. Maybe they all have open marriages like #1. In fact, you seem to have an open marriage, at least as far as your wife is concerned.
> 
> If you don't want to stand up and end these affairs, why not participate? You can put up her ad on all the Swinger's websites and be the one to pick out her partners, like that football coach in New York, and you can watch. It's called the "hot wife" lifestyle.





3marlenas said:


> Good advise I think thats the best choice yet. Maybe I'll just go OJ on all of them.


I've known people IRL who actually made that choice and actually did that stuff. I was asked to "help out" two couples way back, long ago. So, it's a real option. If that's not an acceptable option to you, what is your goal?

For your wife, the "status quo" is that you provide the warm fuzzies, the roof, and the spending cash. You feed her need for a feeling of attachment by releasing certain brain sex chemistry. However, attention and especially sex with other guys releases different brain sex chemicals, dopamine, PEA, norepinephrine, serotonin, etc that send a WW on a cracklike high that is hard to give up. It's all about Mother Nature's drive for her to collect as many "wild oats" as possible. Everytime she does it, she gets a huge reward in her brain. 

You can't nice her out of this behavior. You have to be a hard ass. You have to be willing to burn the marriage in order to save it. Being willing to walk away increases her feral attraction to you (it's all limbic, no prefrontal cortex involved), tolerating her antics increases her contempt for you. 

I can give you advice for either outcome. Which do you prefer?

As for going OJ, that is the traditional response for tens of thousands of years. Once women got the vote, not so much. In fact, it's now illegal to kill your wife's lover. Society has put its stamp of approval on adultery.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Poor 3marlenas

Again read my story. 
Your in denial. 
I know it hurts. 
Who the Fvck doesn't want all there sh1t to go away and be like it was. I sure do. But its not going to happen. 

Like I said you have to push her to the edge of that cliff. 

Look 3marlenas do you have a close friend that you can bring here to read these threads so he can understand what we are trying to say to you. Because your trying to nice you way out of this and psychologically you look like a pu$$y to your wife. Is she saying what a weakling this guy is ? No way.. But her psyche is. 

You need to expose to all. 

Trust me this is killing me because it just makes me relive my failure as well. 

3marlenas you really need to be much, much more stronger and sterner. You are loosing this fight. 

Who the fvck didn't love their significant other. I loved my wife madly. I even tried to reconcile yet again even though she is going over to her NEW APARTMENT TO fvck this guy she is moving in with. Mind you while still married to me. That is how unimportant I have become. How much 19 years matters to her. How much our family and 2 kids matter. 

3marlenas I was going to RETIRE and sell my home and move away with my wife and kids and spend the rest of my life working to fix my marriage. I'm only lucky that I caught her in lies and didn't do it. How fvcked I would have been. I would have probably killed myself in that situation.

Dude again you really need to snap out of this shock your in and take this bull by the horns. 

Facebook is not a requirement. WTF did everyone do before facebook ? before cell phones. before internet. 

Again you do NOT NEED facebook to survive.

If this were a test, 3marlenas you would be FAILING ATM..


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