# Why ask if you don't like the answers?



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It amazes me constantly how so many people post on TAM looking for advice and asking questions and then when they don't like what they hear, they go off on some tangent, try to justify the answer they really wanted to hear, or lash out at members.

Counter-productive.

Why do people do that?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm afraid to answer this in fear that you won't like my answer


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm afraid to answer this in fear that you won't like my answer


:lol:

My guess is, they are not looking for answers really, but looking more for justification/validation for how they already feel.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good one, AR


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Easy. Lots of people don't want answers or other ways of thinking, they want validation to continue with their crappy behavior.


----------



## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

I'll just assume it is a rhetorical question that you are asking


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jamison said:


> :lol:
> 
> My guess is, they are not looking for answers really, but looking more for justification/validation for how they already feel.


Whoops. I just saw you posted the same thing.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Whoops. I just saw you posted the same thing.


Copy cat!


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, I have seen some posters that seem to want to compile a list of comments that they would like to print out and show their spouse to put them in their place. Their plans go awry and they are hit with the clue bat and go into defensive mode. Fortunately there are more people who listen.


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I once heard Dr. Laura referred too as a "Verbal Dominatrix".

People didn't really call for advise, they called to get the beating they secretly desired.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jamison said:


> :lol:
> 
> My guess is, they are not looking for answers really, but looking more for justification/validation for how they already feel.


And validations for their actions.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I guess it is sort of a rhetorical question. And not a new one since this topic has come up over and over again on these boards.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Jamison said:


> :lol:
> 
> My guess is, they are not looking for answers really, but looking more for justification/validation for how they already feel.



:iagree::iagree:


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

People like to be told they're right. When they're told otherwise they get defensive and try to convince you that they are. When that doesn't work, they get angry. Now you don't know what you're talking about either.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> People like to be told they're right. When they're told otherwise they get defensive and try to convince you that they are. When that doesn't work, they get angry. Now you don't know what you're talking about either.


You're wrong.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

:lol::rofl:


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It IS all about validation..... the wise asker will listen and consider his /her critics words. Sometimes our worst critics can be our biggest helpers, if we dare allow ourselves to *listen*. 

There is one thing I really don't appreciate in people... people who are too nice to say what they really mean, I do not like "yes" friends, if you don't agree with me, think I am on the wrong track, crazy, whatever, TELL ME !! Give me some lip, I am not going to run away. I may argue a little with you, but I will still listen. I have changed my mind and thinking in a variety of areas over the years -because I do enjoy hearing every possible side.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think sometimes people just like to see their words up there on the computer screen and they think up something they know will start a hoopla.

And yeah, the validation thing.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Most of us want our views and feelings validated, whether we admit it or not.

Of course, I know all and see all, so I never have this problem. :rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It IS all about validation..... the wise asker will listen and consider his /her critics words. Sometimes our worst critics can be our biggest helpers, if we dare allow ourselves to *listen*.


This is soooooooooooo true, Simply!


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There is one thing I really don't appreciate in people... people who are too nice to say what they really mean, I do not like "yes" friends, if you don't agree with me, think I am on the wrong track, crazy, whatever, TELL ME !! Give me some lip, I am not going to run away. I may argue a little with you, but I will still listen. I have changed my mind and thinking in a variety of areas over the years -because I do enjoy hearing every possible side.


Yes! My best friends are not afraid speak their mind me. I may not agree but I will consider what they have to say.


----------



## Amita Coaching (Dec 2, 2011)

I understand how this can be frustrating, and I have seen it too even though I’ve only been on this blog a short time.

What is interesting is that current research tells us that many people need to be validated before they can move forward. It’s not a bad thing. Validation doesn’t mean that you agree, it means that you’re saying, “I understand given your thoughts, feelings and perspective on life, how you could feel or think that way.”

Often times after a person feels heard and validated, they are ready to accept a new opinion. My only reason for chiming in here is because I think that most of us come into contact with this not just on this blog, but in our lives.

Everyone wants to feel heard. If you want your opinion to be heard, validate someone before offering your opinion. See what happens.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I had one woman go absolutely bat sh!! on me when I gave her an honest reply. I mean, she was RANTING. Then she went away, never to return (at least I haven't seen her on here). Guess she's still having issues with her husband, who, in her opinion, had anger management issues!:rofl:


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

... I can take disagreement, but when a thread becomes a zillion pages long while folks argue back and forth, back and forth ... MEH!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Easy. Lots of people don't want answers or other ways of thinking, they want validation to continue with their crappy behavior.


:iagree::iagree: That way, they can go back to their spouse and say their spouse was overreacting, or whatever.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Argument Clinic - YouTube

Some folks enjoy a good argument. That said validation is important to many of us. I run into many things at work for example that just seem absurd. If someone else, and especially if my boss takes note of the absudity then I feel validated and much more willing to work through the resulting issues.

Then there is always this lurking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-ibcEJj_KI


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm afraid to answer this in fear that you won't like my answer


:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Amita Coaching said:


> What is interesting is that current research tells us that many people need to be validated before they can move forward. It’s not a bad thing. Validation doesn’t mean that you agree, it means that you’re saying, “I understand given your thoughts, feelings and perspective on life, how you could feel or think that way.”
> 
> Often times after a person feels heard and validated, they are ready to accept a new opinion. My only reason for chiming in here is because I think that most of us come into contact with this not just on this blog, but in our lives.
> 
> Everyone wants to feel heard. If you want your opinion to be heard, validate someone before offering your opinion. See what happens.


Oh MY, YES... So true!! :iagree: 

Some validation IS necessary. Every single person who comes here, if you look close enough, read inbetween the lines, no matter how outragrous they may come off has SOME *good *about them, some normalcy that does deserve our validation, recognition that we CAN-at least TRY to understand where they are coming from. 

Anyone hurting --and RANTING .....is more apt to listen to the people who can see the 'potential" good in them, instead of immediate slamming. We must make ourselves relatable in some form, bring ourselves down to thier level of "humanness".

Emotional Validation link..... http://eqi.org/valid.htm
.


----------



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It amazes me constantly how so many people post on TAM looking for advice and asking questions and then when they don't like what they hear, they go off on some tangent, try to justify the answer they really wanted to hear, or lash out at members.
> 
> Counter-productive.
> 
> Why do people do that?


I agree many people need validation of where they're at in life. In addition, many people are afraid to face up to what it is THEY'RE doing or not doing. (Yes, I speak from personal experience when I say that is DAMN hard.)


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Most often one doesnt hear the full story. Usually the main part is missed out. So one cant be blamed for not 'listening'.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

accept said:


> Most often one doesnt hear the full story. Usually the main part is missed out. So one cant be blamed for not 'listening'.


NOt sure what you mean here, but I would agree, generally it is the RARER soul who will admit to their own faults when giving their story to others, they don't want to look "too bad", so they will casually leave things out, at least at first. 

This is why the rest of us must probe and ask more questions to get to the "meat" of the story. And when a poster is continually plagued with defenses at every turn - this can be very telling.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

This is an online site. If you don't like the answer then maybe u shouldn't post the question. Of course sometimes you are going to get replies you don't like.

Everyone has their opinions, no ones opinions are the same.. good thing is, that you can usually get alot of different outlooks on different issues, chances are the person who is replying has been there.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Maybe sometimes they recognize that the advice makes sense, but they don't want it to make sense and they respond in ways that are challenging those ideas in themselves by hearing how people refute them. Not all people function at the same pace when it comes to emotional logic. Maybe they don't even know they are being that way? I'm not trying to be contrary, just offering my POV.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

*Why ask if you dont like the answer?*

Because thats not the answer I wanted.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> *Why ask if you dont like the answer?*
> 
> Because thats not the answer I wanted.


Yep. If you feel it's that sort of question, you can always ask:

"Well, do you want the truth, or the right answer?"


----------



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> I once heard Dr. Laura referred too as a "Verbal Dominatrix".
> 
> People didn't really call for advise, they called to get the beating they secretly desired.


:iagree:


----------



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I posted on this forum a few weeks ago and I must admit I got some answers that I didn't like. But I didn't lash out at anyone. It actually made me realise how I was feeling and made me make some decisions. So at that moment I was upset because I didn't like the answers but some answers I didn't like actually helped me.

I think I got upset because I wanted someone to tell me it was okay to feel the way I was feeling. But when people disagreed with my feelings I got upset. Looking back on it I understand why they gave me those answers even if they were not what I wanted to hear. 

I think it's best to say the truth but sometimes people can put it in a way that is constructive criticism which helps the individual more rather than just plain criticism.


----------

