# This hurts! Long but need to talk to someone.



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

10 yrs together, 7.5 engaged. Mutual decision not to marry, we were happy the way we were.

I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, he doesn't have any. He treated them like his own. We had a great union! Sometimes he would seem jealous, but never an issue.

3 yrs ago he had an EA with a woman he cheated with on his exwife while I was recovering from a hysterectomy. It lasted for 4 months, no PA that I am aware of. I found out through a high cell bill. He lied and said she was dying and needed to make a mends. 

After that our relationship flourished. It was like a renewal. 

I am 40, he is 55, ( a young 55). 
We were "in love" together all the time. Boating, motocross, fishing, vacations and just sitting on the deck having a beer- we always touched, hugged, kissed and held hands. 

He has a high profile job and he has a controlling personality by nature. Some of my family and friends didn't understand this and didn't know why I was with him. I LOVE HIM! He treated me like a princess, even called me his princess.

Kids got older and the daughter got mouthy, she has attitude. It got worse and worse. Her treatment of us, our house dogs etc was terrible. She is now 20 yrs old. I should have stopped her behavior. She had NO responsibilities EVER. I know, its my fault- I only wanted to give them what I didn't have but I ended up doing a huge injustice by my actions.

Him and her got into a huge argument while I was at college. I came home to her moving out and she told me that he said he would do anything to get her out including kicking me out.

Really?

This was the worst night of my life, October 17.

My comfy life which included a totally loving relationship ended abruptly because him and her got into it and because I am her mom, he was done with me too. Even took back my ring!

The total devastation, incredible sadness was unbearable. For 4 days he yelled and screamed at me or ignored me. He wouldn't talk, listen nothing. I had no choice but to find an apartment. My friends seen me suffering so bad and took me out Friday night for a drink. When I came home, I decided I would put on a sexy outfit and try to seduce him- I took a chance of being pushed away but it worked and it was incredible sex!

The next 4 days were fine. Seemed everything was going to be ok. Went to dinner, talked, shopped, and just hung out! I was so happy!

Then Tuesday morning he sent a text at work saying I should keep the apartment that I found!

WHAT?

He again started yelling at me saying he's done with us and for me to leave.

Here we go again- non stop crying. I have gone to my physician to get meds. They don't work! 

On Saturday, I go to a park, cry scream, pray and just talked to the air- to give me peace in my heart, please get me through this! After 4 hours, I went home, cooked him and me dinner and I had a few beers- just enough to tell him "how dare he do this to me, to us" I cried all night.

The next morning he asked me to breakfast, I went. We ran some errands and came home.

All the while I am trying to pack because I am moving in a week. Later that night he asked me not to pack anymore, to stay!

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! I am thrilled he came to his senses!

Which brings us to now. Said he needs time, space etc. Ok. He can't answer how long, a month a year, what? He has not been affectionate, says he doesn't have the desire to have sex with me- my sex drive is higher. He won't talk about our future, us. NOTHING!

Since Friday he has screamed at me each day if I even breathe the word "us" told me to leave him the f alone, quit fing bothering him. He doesn't want to hold hands, have sex touch me, nothing! I can't eve call to say hi and he is yelling at me.

Today, after a very hurtful night with him, I called to reinstate my apartment, thank God one was available. I can't live like this! He wants nothing to do with me, us. Where did this come from?

After him hanging up on me 3 times while I was trying to ask a question- I calmly told him since he needs time and he wants me to leave him alone, I think I need time and whatever happens in the future, happens- that I got an apartment and was going to move in 2 weeks. He told me to just go move into the fing apartment and hung up. Of course I called back awhile later and asked if he wants to try 30 more days to get through the holidays and he said no, we already tried for 2 months.

I have done everything for this man, everything- even scoop his dinner on his plate. He does nothing- I do it!

I have loved him with my entire being. I am in so much pain and don't know how I am going to go on. I have an IC appt for Monday. I can't eat, sleep, function.

Sorry this is so long- just needed to talk to someone as I have given up most of my friends for him. He was/is my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

And I wanted to add that this is such a wonderful time of year to be thrown away like this!

I only touched slightly on the nasty, hurtful yelling he has given me since Friday.

Thanks for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Very sorry...not sure what else to say...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Hold on, your world is just turned upside down right now, but it is not over by a long shot. whether you two end up back together or not, you have to go on and reconnect with your children, learn to live solo, find happiness and joy. Protect yourself and your heart from the man you love, and be careful. Look at the real him and decide if you want to be with someone who does not see your worth and the value you bring to the relationship. And most importantly know that you are not alone in any of this. And Joy does come in the morning...I know, been there and done that ;o)


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words.

Right now I can't ever imagine myself ever smiling again. The sadness is too much for me to handle.

I have a couple weeks to be in the same house with him and his nastiness.

What did I do to him? I did everything for him and loved him with my all! He always told me he loves me too- guess he lied because how do you hurt someone this badly?

How can I be strong enough to do a 180? I have nothing left inside of me.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaincops (Dec 1, 2011)

hmm....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You will smile and laugh again. Your statement sounds just like mine (if you can find my old posts) I too wondered the same things, but they are the ones that have to deal with their decisions. Believe me you are so much luckier than I was, mine left while I was at work and left me to deal with all of the ramifications of his cowardly act. Shoot compared to me, you are in good standing ;o) But with prayer (much) and my decision to move it forward I am on solid ground. Hell, now I am even glad he left (he still did it in a terrible manner) All my hurt and disappointment has changed to happiness (most of the time) and Joy (all of the time) Keep your family and friends close and lean on them....but do not take advice from unwise counsel ;o) Be real with yourself and your situation. Always deal with what is really going on, not what you think or want to be going on.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> You will smile and laugh again. Your statement sounds just like mine (if you can find my old posts) I too wondered the same things, but they are the ones that have to deal with their decisions. Believe me you are so much luckier than I was, mine left while I was at work and left me to deal with all of the ramifications of his cowardly act. Shoot compared to me, you are in good standing ;o) But with prayer (much) and my decision to move it forward I am on solid ground. Hell, now I am even glad he left (he still did it in a terrible manner) All my hurt and disappointment has changed to happiness (most of the time) and Joy (all of the time) Keep your family and friends close and lean on them....but do not take advice from unwise counsel ;o) Be real with yourself and your situation. Always deal with what is really going on, not what you think or want to be going on.



That's good advice. Thank you!

I will read your posts this evening.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Everyone tells me to move forward, keep active, spend time with friends and family, do things I like......

I can't! I don't have the energy, desire or motivation. I would rather stay home in complete silence with him. Stupid I know. I am only here for another week and a half and as stupid as it sounds- I feel comfort being here, with him and in our/his house. This is what I know, he is what I know.

I start IC today, I'm afraid, never gone to one before. I know they can't give answers, they listen- but so do my friends and family. Not sure about this. 

I know I am not the only one that feels like this- but I just don't see an end to this sadness.

He acts like he isn't affected, like this isn't even bothering him! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

That is because he is in control of everything right now, but when you are determined to not let this disappointment destroy you and you want the life you deserve....things will change. It all is easier than we have been conditioned to believe. For 10 straight weeks I thought I couldn't and didn't want to go on....it is laughable now. My H was soooooooooooo not worth the time spent in agony over our sitation. It was never as good as our memories. I will be praying for you and you pray for me and we both will see victory. Have a good day and IC is a good thing, and doesn't hurt at all ;o)


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> That is because he is in control of everything right now, but when you are determined to not let this disappointment destroy you and you want the life you deserve....things will change. It all is easier than we have been conditioned to believe. For 10 straight weeks I thought I couldn't and didn't want to go on....it is laughable now. My H was soooooooooooo not worth the time spent in agony over our sitation. It was never as good as our memories. I will be praying for you and you pray for me and we both will see victory. Have a good day and IC is a good thing, and doesn't hurt at all ;o)


Thank you! I pray for peace in our hearts to get through the hurt.

IC went good. I didn't know what to expect. There were things brought up that I didn't see, but its clear now. I cried the whole time, but haven't cried a tear since. Weird! She confirmed what I knew, but I never acknowledged until all this happened; he is very controlling. So yes, your correct, he IS even controlling the situation now.

She asked several times if I was happy. I said yes. It seemed she knew something or could sense something. I don't know.

I feel that just one visit so far has helped. I am looking forward to the next one.

I hope some day I can be as confident as you and look back at all this and wonder why I was so upset.

I do truly believe I was happy.

Thank you.
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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I am having a rough day today.

All the good times, cookouts with our neighbors, boating, just spending time together holding hands. The walks in the woods......random hugs and fresh cut flowers......there are many others. He packed my lunch every day, little notes saying "this is the real thing" "I love you" and many more....

I can't seem to get past these things today. I see them in my mind and I see how happy we were.......and it wasn't too long ago.

As I see these movies playing in my head, I wonder why it appears that this whole situation in not bothering him, when I am dying inside. How do you shut off your feelings like that? Is it an act?

Any insight?


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Today I got a facebook message, from someone I don't even know telling me check a message forum that he goes on and see what he posted.

I go and it was a few men going back and forth about different jobs they have and mine chimes in with, "for a couple cases of beer, I can get my electrical redone, new roof, remodeling and some studs for my ugly wife"

Wow, that was terrible! I called him on it and he said it was a joke, following along what the others were saying. That doesn't even seem to be a joke to me. Then he gets p!ssed on who called him out, then his original message disappeared. 

As if I am not in enough pain with 0 self confidence and 0 self esteem. 

He always told me how beautiful I am! I have no self esteem but I'm not ugly. I am tall, thin and blonde- and now he says I'm ugly?

WTF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Again71 said:


> I am having a rough day today.
> 
> All the good times, cookouts with our neighbors, boating, just spending time together holding hands. The walks in the woods......random hugs and fresh cut flowers......there are many others. He packed my lunch every day, little notes saying "this is the real thing" "I love you" and many more....
> 
> ...



I thought the same thing about my wife. I keep going through our things in the house, seeing all our pictures, remembering all the very, very good memories. Then I see my wife and she's staying at her mom's second house, has none of our pictures or personal things there and is making it look so easy, like she just doesn't care. My wife is a very strong woman, but I'm going to tell you the same thing she told me. I asked her a couple weeks after we first separated why it didn't look like she was affected by the separation at all? She told me "Go listen to the song by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield - Easy." She told me "After you listen to it, you'll know exactly how I feel." 

Link for you on youtube: Rascal Flatts - Easy ft. Natasha Bedingfield - YouTube

I had heard it before that (we are both fans of country music) but only maybe one time, and so I went and listened to it and began to understand that it's all an illusion, a show, for our kids, and for me, and for everyone else in her life. 

It's the same thing I do to some extent. I feel better and better each day, but at the same time, I also project the idea outward that I'm actually feeling a lot better than I am when I'm around her or my kids, simply for their benefit, as well as my own. I really do think it is probably affecting your husband more than you think, he's just not showing it. He's projecting the strong, manly image that he wants you to see. I could be wrong, and he could just be heartless, but I'm an optimist, and part of my own changes in myself that I'm making is to always look at the best of people, think positive, and maintain my hope and faith through the worst and best of times. I have a lot of personal change to do, and have gone through a monumental period of self-discovery over the past two months.

Give things time. Patience is key. I've learned over the past two months that though you may think things are never going to get better, and you're never going to stop hurting, each day will get a little better and a little easier, whether with your husband, or without. Things will start to look up so long as you maintain that positive outlook! Keep your head up and stay strong. Things WILL get better!

Listen to the song by Sarah Evans - A Little Bit Stronger, as well. Will make a difference on your outlook of things in my opinion 

Link to this one: Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger - YouTube

I enjoy music a ton, so I've spent a lot of time over the past two months of separation listening to music. Everyone is different, but because I enjoy it so much it helps me tremendously.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> I thought the same thing about my wife. I keep going through our things in the house, seeing all our pictures, remembering all the very, very good memories. Then I see my wife and she's staying at her mom's second house, has none of our pictures or personal things there and is making it look so easy, like she just doesn't care. My wife is a very strong woman, but I'm going to tell you the same thing she told me. I asked her a couple weeks after we first separated why it didn't look like she was affected by the separation at all? She told me "Go listen to the song by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield - Easy." She told me "After you listen to it, you'll know exactly how I feel."
> 
> Link for you on youtube: Rascal Flatts - Easy ft. Natasha Bedingfield - YouTube
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you! 

I will go to those links when I get home from work today. I have started listening to various types of music while going through this. I do find comfort in music. 

I just wonder about him being so emotionless during this. I'm sure some of it is an image, but I don't know. He also can be very cold hearted. I will listen to the music link.

Thanks again.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I appreciate the music links. 

As one trying to be stronger through the 180, it is anything but easy. I would never be a good poker player as I wear my heart on my sleeve. At times I can look upbeat and positive, but the roller coaster of emotions is hard to hide sometimes.

Be strong. I am sure all parties are hurting from time to time or they would not have a soul.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I can't do this today. I am having a horrible emotional day. Crying most of the day at work and even vomiting in the restroom.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Tomorrow (in my Annie's voice) don't worry one day at a time


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Again71 said:


> I can't do this today. I am having a horrible emotional day. Crying most of the day at work and even vomiting in the restroom.


I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been there, though. The week my wife left I worked one day. Went in to work two out of the 5 days, but left within the first hour. I made sure it wouldn't come back to haunt me, though, by being open and honest with my boss about what is going on. He's very close to me in age, and understood what I was going through. He told me to take as much time as I needed to get my head sorted out, and then come back to work and start fresh. I did this. I took the entire week off to clear my head, get my emotions in check, and then came back. I then took him into our conference room and explained that I was very grateful for his understanding of my situation and that I won't let it have any more influence on my job or the performance of my duties. Again, he was very understanding and told me if I needed anything don't hesitate to ask. 

Not sure if this is a possibility with you and your job, but I would at least try to explain what is going on so they have a better idea of why you aren't functioning at 100% in your duties. Then you need to calm down, relax, take deep breaths, and get your emotions in check as much as you possibly can. Do something fun. Go exercise. It will get good chemical reactions going, get the endorphins and adrenaline going, which in turn will help relieve stress and other emotions.

Good luck! I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it will get better! Keep your head up!


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been there, though. The week my wife left I worked one day. Went in to work two out of the 5 days, but left within the first hour. I made sure it wouldn't come back to haunt me, though, by being open and honest with my boss about what is going on. He's very close to me in age, and understood what I was going through. He told me to take as much time as I needed to get my head sorted out, and then come back to work and start fresh. I did this. I took the entire week off to clear my head, get my emotions in check, and then came back. I then took him into our conference room and explained that I was very grateful for his understanding of my situation and that I won't let it have any more influence on my job or the performance of my duties. Again, he was very understanding and told me if I needed anything don't hesitate to ask.
> 
> Not sure if this is a possibility with you and your job, but I would at least try to explain what is going on so they have a better idea of why you aren't functioning at 100% in your duties. Then you need to calm down, relax, take deep breaths, and get your emotions in check as much as you possibly can. Do something fun. Go exercise. It will get good chemical reactions going, get the endorphins and adrenaline going, which in turn will help relieve stress and other emotions.
> 
> Good luck! I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it will get better! Keep your head up!


I agree.

I took a very similar approach with my employers. They were very understanding and offered me all the support they could. The fact that they offered me this support made the situation so much better, that I only had two days off. My head of HR cuddled me four times, when I told her what was happening. Maybe not professional but very supportive personally and ultimately effective.

I told her that a number of my work colleagues were aware of my situation and where being very supportive. She assured me that I was a very well respected member of staff and she would expect nothing less from my colleagues.

Sometimes we complain about our employers but sometimes they need some praise.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. 

I did have a bad emotional day yesterday, a complete mess! Today I am determined to have a better day and so far, so good. It's not that I am having a good day, meaning happy, good as in not crying. 

My employer and coworkers are aware of my situation and have been very supportive. 

The music links were helpful, thanks again for that.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Interesting. I have not told my employer or co workers. They likely suspect something is going on, since the ring is off my finger and I take the occassional private call. Also that I jumped on the company insurance for the first time.

I am getting closer to talking with the owner who has known me the longest. One plus through this whole mess is that I have some really big deals going on that help distract me from dwelling on the pain all the time.

Whats the saying about ....going through times like this makes us stronger. I believe it.

Be strong. My heart is with my fellow sufferers. Take care!


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