# Wife called me. without notice, and said she was done with our 22 year marriage



## Larrydk (Apr 24, 2021)

Up until last week I thought we had the normal pandemic strife most couples are facing.
My wife left on a road trip to AZ from IL to help our only daughter pack to come home for the summer from college.
On this road trip she called and said that she feels we are in a "loveless" marriage and she wants to separate. 
Of course, she's also talking to an old male acquaintance from 25+ years ago who she now says makes her feel good about herself, which I do not do.

I'm devastated, I make a really good living (she's been basically unemployed since the pandemic, but wasn't all that motivated before that), I take care of myself, and I believe am a god father, I don't do drugs, I drink very little if at all, I've been faithful and pride myself in my truthfulness.

The most disappointing thing is she wont even give me a chance to be better for her sating she was giving me messages for the last few years.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You came to the right place. Prepare yourself for a long and painful journey. Help is on the way.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your troubles, lots of good people here with good advice and experiences to share. 
The more details you are willing to give, the better.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

"Normal pandemic strife"?
This sounds like problems were coming to the surface, OR your wife was already in contact with the old acquaintance.

She says "loveless"
You list your qualities but don't mention love.
How was your actual love life? 

She was giving you messages for the last few years.
Did you hear those messages?
And. .do these messages precede contact with the other man?

Is your wife heading into menopause?


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## Larrydk (Apr 24, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Sorry to hear about your troubles, lots of good people here with good advice and experiences to share.
> The more details you are willing to give, the better.


It's so early on in this process. Without my financial resources she cannot sustain herself, I intend on speaking to a lawyer next week to see what protection I have.

What hurts the most is that I am truly surprised, I had no idea it was to this point.


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## Larrydk (Apr 24, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> "Normal pandemic strife"?
> This sounds like problems were coming to the surface, OR your wife was already in contact with the old acquaintance.
> 
> She says "loveless"
> ...


My wife is always in the best of health mentally or physically (bipolar-depression)

We had intimacy, although not as much as I would've liked, the night before she lift on her trip.

Obviously, I didn't messages, I thought it was normal couple stuff, that in itself is even more devastating that I'm not even afforded the chance to improve

My wife is in menopause


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## JelloBen (Mar 24, 2020)

You should expose the other man if he’s married. Affairs live underground.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Larrydk said:


> It's so early on in this process. Without my financial resources she cannot sustain herself, I intend on speaking to a lawyer next week to see what protection I have.
> 
> What hurts the most is that I am truly surprised, I had no idea it was to this point.


Talking to an attorney is a good first step. I will say something about messages, in any communication, it is the responsibility of the party doing the communicating to make themselves understood especially when it comes to the health of a relationship. If she says she sent messages and you truly didn't get those messages, that's on her.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Larrydk said:


> My wife is always in the best of health mentally or physically (bipolar-depression)
> 
> My wife is in menopause
> 
> ...


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Larrydk said:


> Up until last week I thought we had the normal pandemic strife most couples are facing.
> My wife left on a road trip to AZ from IL to help our only daughter pack to come home for the summer from college.
> On this road trip she called and said that she feels we are in a "loveless" marriage and she wants to separate.
> Of course, she's also talking to an old male acquaintance from 25+ years ago who she now says makes her feel good about herself, which I do not do.
> ...


She has been in touch with him for some time. Is she on Facebook? If so look at her history if you can access. She did Not simply wake up one day and decide to drop the bomb on you.

Secondly EXPOSE if you desire to save your marriage. Secondly, lawyer up, and have her sorry ass served.
By serving her you let her know you mean ****ing business.

Lastly, DON‘T DO THE PICK ME DANCE! Do that you are guaranteed to come out a loser. Begging and pleading accomplishes nothing but proving to her you are weak. Women respect strength not weakness.
Read up on the 180.Implement it.

Move her **** out of your bedroom.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly when one spouse meets another person they will often rewrite the marrige history to enable them to feel less guilty about what they are doing. 
I am sorry you are here, you must be in in terrible shock. Its a shame she didnt have the courage to tell you face to face but never mind. 
Has she any idea where she will live or what she will live on? If your children are adults then she cant expect any child support, and she will need to find a job. 
The first thing is to get some legal advise and take it from there.


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## Larrydk (Apr 24, 2021)

She has some other underlying health conditions that affect her immunity.

Honestly we did a lot of things, eve with the pandemic we tried to see music and go out every once in a while


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She didn't just meet this guy. This has been incubating for some time. Expose it to everyone.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Did you believe you had a "good" marriage? Did you ever ask her what she thought? My wife was totally blindsided by the idea that she could believe we had a "great" marriage for 39 years, without any regard for who I viewed it. Could you be in the same situation as my wife? Knowing there were issues but not really dealing with them, and from your perspective, the issues you had been having were just normal stuff every marriage has? (Ignore everything below if this is way off-base)

If that rings a bell, I don't have an answer for you. Getting things back together doesn't work of both parties aren't willing to invest in the relationship. You can perhaps wait until she crashes and burns and comes back telling you she made a terrible mistake, but nothing really gets better, you'll be married pretty much for appearances and in name only after a while, if the underlying culture of your marriage doesn't change.

That's not an excuse for her having an affair (if that's what's going on, emotional or physical). It's just a reason why things aren't likely to work out, because what reason do you have to trust someone who walked out on you like that? You're not going to want to invest in change because she's the guilty party here (not saying this sarcastically; it's the truth!). And she's not likely to have some kind of grand epiphany and become the wife she should have always been, if you weren't the husband you should have always been. She might come back out of desperation, but not likely love.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ve been in your situation.

Here is what she is going to do:

make you out to be a monster.
What she will say about You: 
never cared for anyone but yourself.
Were selfish in bed.
She doesn’t think she EVER really loved you like she should have.
You aren’t ambitious enough.
You didn’t tell her she was beautiful. You brought her down rather than build her up.
You’re boring. 

What she will say about her:
She tolerated you for years.
She isn’t attracted to you, maybe never has been. (This is what she will SAY)
You’re the cause of all her problems.
You drain her emotionally, and never have had her back.
This guy understands her.
He believes in her.
He makes her feel pretty.
He is her soulmate.
She deserves to be happy.

what you are feeling:
Desperation
Helplessness
She’s the only woman you’ll ever love.

All of that is untrue. You’ll survive this. 

However............

If you don’t file for divorce, stop communicating with her, and move on.... you have no chance whatsoever. And that’s what you want. Even though you shouldn’t because she’s a cheater. And she doesn’t value you.

Bit of you want her back, you will have to do the exact opposite of what you want to do, due to your emotional trauma you’re going through.

The more you chase her, the more she will run and be disgusted with you.
If you have the strength to stop all communication, divorce, and act like she’s the devil——- she will get tired of her other man, he will have to take care of all the things you do, and their relationship will go downhill.

but if you do the pick me dance she will be encouraged in her thoughts that she is the stuff, YOU were lucky to have her, you are pathetic, you are weak, and basically reinforce in her mind that you are not worthy of her.
If you do the opposite and grey rock her, she will start wondering why you don’t care. How is he able to move on so quickly? Is he done with me? What if he gets another woman? I wonder if he still thinks about me? I wonder if he will respond if I text him?

Really though. She’s a cheater. Boot her to the curb and move on. You’ll be glad


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Sorry this happened, OP....

I will differ from some of the other posters....Who cares if she had an affair? The reality is what you have now....Want to start to go down that rabbit hole? It will get you nowhere...It wont erase how she feels for you...Nope...IMO as hard as it seems I don't believe you should waste any energy on that and get yourself all wound up...And keep in mind you may not even be able to handle that truth, anyway....A lot of guys can't...

About all you can do right now is start to process the end of this relationship....My guess is she checked out on you years ago, but you ignored the signals, or she was good at hiding it.....Now that your daughter is grown, she feels more comfortable moving on without you....I don't believe there is much you can do at this point, but begin to start to plan a life without her...The why's and what if's really aren't that important, iMO, and will only hold you back...

I wish you well....tough deal, man...take care of yourself..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is in unicorn land with her other man. Very typical affair. You are getting what’s commonly known as the cheater script. If you go online and analyze your phone bill you’ll probably see this has been ongoing for awhile. She like most want a separation so she can try out the other man with you out of the way. Nothing special here. Dime a dozen. This scenario plays out all the time.

You didn’t cause this. The affair is on her. It’s a decision or choice she made. She’s not perfect either. Did you find another woman to replace her because of her imperfections? See the difference?

What you are getting is:
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Let her go, get a good lawyer and FILE for divorce. Cut off all contact. If you don’t you’ll wallow in this a long time and it’ll be a lot more painful than it needs to be.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing -- PLEASE make sure you tell your D that her mother is in an affair with another man, and that she blind-sided you with this.
Your W will be telling her ALL SORTS of lies and half-truths to justify HER talking with this other man. She WILL re-write your entire marital history to ANYONE who will listen.

If you can get access, check her phone records, check her emails, check the computer, etc.. 
As others have said EXPOSE this to YOUR family, her family, etc..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve been in your situation.
> 
> Here is what she is going to do:
> 
> ...


Excellent advice. If you’re smart you’ll listen. If not you are gonna wallow in limbo. A place you don’t want to be for long.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Larrydk said:


> It's so early on in this process. Without my financial resources she cannot sustain herself, I intend on speaking to a lawyer next week to see what protection I have.
> 
> What hurts the most is that I am truly surprised, I had no idea it was to this point.


One thing you need to get upfront. *All cheaters lie a lot.* That’s all this is.

You will be a chump only if you allow it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you cry, beg, plead, do the infamous “pick me dance” it will lower your status while making her new boyfriend look strong and virile. He doesn’t have to beg.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I am going to give you some advice from someone who has been there done that and was able to reconcile.

EXPOSE! Your family,her family and close friends. You must control the initial narrative. Otherwise as another posted the rewriting of your marriage will occur by her.

EXPOSURE is similar to spraying Lysol on a germs....it kills affairs.

By all means you do not leave the house. She does. Offer to pack her **** for her. Do not let her play you for a fool. When she shows you who she is....believe her.

Commit this word to memory. UNACCEPTABLE. Any time she starts making bull **** comments pull that one word out of your pocket. Say as little as possible. Let your daughter know what is going on, but do not get her in the middle.

Do not engage her in any conversation until after you expose. I went scorched earth. Took advice from some wise posters and blew my FWWs fantasy world to oblivion and beyond. I may have gone a bit over the top but I exposed on my Facebook page, changed my marital status to single letting the world know my FWW had a boyfriend. I also contacted Asshats wife. **** went south fast.

Had I not found this site I probably would have gone the pick me route and failed.

Be strong and do not let her play you for a sucker. Blow this up!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Larrydk said:


> Up until last week I thought we had the normal pandemic strife most couples are facing.
> My wife left on a road trip to AZ from IL to help our only daughter pack to come home for the summer from college.
> On this road trip she called and said that she feels we are in a "loveless" marriage and she wants to separate.
> Of course, she's also talking to an old male acquaintance from 25+ years ago who she now says makes her feel good about herself, which I do not do.
> ...


Your post about her has very little actual FEELING and EMOTION in it about HER. Would you say your marriage felt "loveless" to you? Even your paragraph about why she should be happy with you has not one thing to do with how you've interacted and shown love to her (or her to you)...can you elaborate more on how you LOVED eachother?

If you cannot, that could be a clue as to what has been missing...for BOTH of you...


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