# married and bisexual-failing at repressing sexuality



## nonsense (May 1, 2012)

i am 25 with two young kids, married 5 years to an amazing man.

my husband ISNT ok with me having ANY contact with a woman as it would be "cheating". its been 5 years i havent touched a woman. and its getting too hard to repress my sexuality. i love my husband and want to be with him FOREVER. i dont want to have to get a divorce to finally satisfy myself. i want to bring this up to him again (first time in 5 years since the beginning of the relationship) in HOPES he may say its okay.....i understand his side but i cant help but feel this way.

there are photos of him kissing a man in his youth and he says he isnt gay or bi but brushes me off when i asked one time years ago and i dropped it. i really WISH he was bisexual too as that way he could sleep with men and I with women. it would be perfect.

im getting very depressed and its PAINING me to resist my urges.

i am sinking into a depression and up up late every night researching and crying feeling our marriage is over  (i want to be with him forever).

why cant i change this? why cant i ONLY want men? i wish so badly i wasnt bisexual, i hate myself for it ......

what can i do? im terrified to bring this up (he knows i am bisexual but we havent spoken of it in 5 years). 

does anyone know how i can continue to repress my sexuality? any tips? :/ probably not but worth a shot.
i love my husband so much.

repressing my sexuality all these years has had the side effect of just repressing BOTH sides of it as our sex life is being compromised now. 

HELP!!!  

please be kind. i am already ashamed i feel this way, i dont need to be called any bad names. i am a good person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband is right it would very much be cheating, and the end of your marriage.

How would you feel if your husband wanted a red head very badly but you are blond? Or a tall girl, when you are short?

And what if he desperately wanted you to allow him to have a relationship and sex with this other person or people?

You know what he does like bodies other than yours, but he has vomited and willfully chosen to be ith you only as his wife. He knows that a marriage where your partner is emotionally and sexually with another person is a half marriage and he wouldnt be a third wheel.

So the issue here is bi or nit, it's comitment fidelity and choice.

Your idea of him being bi wouldn't help, if you acted on it, then you both would be cheating. That's the real problem here, you want to cheat and have another person for you.

Perhaps some individual counseling can help you understand this and why you feel so desperate to cheat. If it was just getting turned on by girls too, then I would say watch some lesbian porn together, but your post clearly says that you want a third person in the marriage just for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

How conservative is your husband?

I just going to go way outside the box right off and get the prudes mad,was the talk you had with your husband about having a threesome with another woman ? if not that what would be the first thing I would bring up and he could either participate or watch.Its not close to the real thing but maybe get some straight porn you could both watch together since most all straight porn has lesbian scenes and tell him how hot that is when its being shown and he may get some ideas in his head of you and another woman. 
If he is against everything then look for a counselor that deals a lot with sexual orientation. 

I wish my wife would bring this issues to me,fun would be had by all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't help but wonder if the stress of being a young mom with two small kids isn't pulling you away from the emotional intimacy you once shared with your husband and is driving this desire. Since you want to fill that void, but you don't want to cheat with another man, you have begun wanting a woman to have a relationship with and have convinced yourself that it wouldn't be cheating, and wouldn't destroy your marriage.

Maybe part of making this go away is to find a way to better connect emotionally with your husband, so you feel loved and strongly bonded to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm no prude but Shaggy is right. This is not about sexuality its about respect for your spouse. You discussed this before you were married and you knew his boundary on this. Yet you chose to marry him anyway. If you cannot remain committed to your husband then you should consider ending the marriage. It will be far less painful than betraying him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, wifey is freakin bi-sexual in denial!!!! lol

But your mentality is not right in my opinion, you have a husband, you've made your choice, anything else is betrayal


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'd like to second getting individual counseling for you. Not sure what type of therapist would be best, maybe a sex therapist?

You need to understand where your urges are suddenly coming from. You can't deal with it, until you understand why now. Unless I'm mistaken you've not really had this sense of urgent urges until recently, right?

How is your sex life with your husband? I know it's not the same, but if there's a lack of sexual release at all it will make things harder.

I also agree that if you start getting close to other women (women you find at all attractive) it could lead to an EA and possibly a PA. Neither are good for your marriage.

This isn't something that will just go away on it's own. It's not something that you take a "straight" pill for. You will likely need to have a therapist who you can visit on and off for years if you want to stay faithful in your marriage.

I'd also recommend a male therapist. You don't need your mind going to places in therapy that aren't constructive.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I guess I don't understand why being attracted to both men and women should make it acceptable to your husband that you to go outside your marriage to have sex.

Regardless of where you fall on the sexuality spectrum, marriage is a commitment to one person - your spouse. What you are asking him for is to have an open marriage where you are allowed to have sex with other people. I honestly don't understand why you think that should be ok when that is not what either of you signed up for when you got married. 

Would it be ok with you if he went out and had sex with other women? What you are asking of him is no different - whether you have sex with another woman or a man, you are still wanting to have sex with someone else. No one here would entertain for a moment the idea that you should be free to have sex with another man just because you have "urges", so why would it be ok to have sex with a woman?

Are you not attracted to your husband? Deal with that issue before turning to other people, man or woman, outside your marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m really not buying your story.

Bisexuality doesn`t exactly work that way.

I think you just want to cheat and are manipulating an "acceptable" way to do it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You are not failing at repressing your sexuality at all, you are failing at suppressing your will to remain loyal and monogamous to your marriage partner. You wishing he were bi is not the doorway being able to have extra-marital sex.

I am pretty far at the hetero end of the spectrum, and when married there were women besides my W I was attracted to, just because I label myself hetero did not open the doorway for me to go have sex with them.

And my argument IS exactly the same as yours, because what you are lusting for isn't a blank generic female person, there is a certain type you are attracted to. The gender is completely irrelevant all that matters is its not your spouse.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What you are asking your husband is for a one sided open marriage and he is answering you with a big NO.

I can guarantee you that if he were to cave in to your wishes that he would end up resenting you tremendously until one day he will reach the point where he won't care anymore and will leave you for good.


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## nonsense (May 1, 2012)

no its not something im SUDDENLY feeling, just getting hard to supress. supressing my sexual orientation in causing depression. 

let me take a wild stab in the dark and hazzard a guess that no one that posted so far is bisexual....lol


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## nonsense (May 1, 2012)

i dont yearn for other men. i am physically faithful AND mentally faithful to him in that regard. it is completely different as HE IS NOT A WOMAN lol. how can he fulfill that?

this may have been the wrong forum, maybe i need to find a bisexual one, all im getting here are a bunch of sassy , opinionated people , no helpful ADVICE on how to CHANGE the situation for the better and STRENGTHEN my marriage....THATS what im looking for here.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

nonsense said:


> i dont yearn for other men. i am physically faithful AND mentally faithful to him in that regard. it is completely different as HE IS NOT A WOMAN lol. how can he fulfill that?
> 
> this may have been the wrong forum, maybe i need to find a bisexual one, all im getting here are a bunch of sassy , opinionated people , no helpful ADVICE on how to CHANGE the situation for the better and STRENGTHEN my marriage....THATS what im looking for here.


Lets cut to the chase here. I'm not bisexual but have many friends and some relatives that are gay and bi. Some are in committed relationships and some realize that they will not be able to ever stay with one person. If I understand correctly what you are saying is that you as SO bisexual that one gender is never going to satisfy you. Then why did you commit to a monogamous relationship?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

nonsense said:


> i dont yearn for other men. i am physically faithful AND mentally faithful to him in that regard. it is completely different as HE IS NOT A WOMAN lol. how can he fulfill that?
> 
> this may have been the wrong forum, maybe i need to find a bisexual one, all im getting here are a bunch of sassy , opinionated people , no helpful ADVICE on how to CHANGE the situation for the better and STRENGTHEN my marriage....THATS what im looking for here.


Sorry you feel that way.

Yes your husband isn't a woman and never will be. It doesn't change the basics of this situation. Any sex (hetero or **** sexual) outside the marriage is infidelity. There's no two ways to put it.

Unless your husband is willing to let you be with other women, what more can we suggest than get some individual counseling? 

There's no magic pill or magic words that will un-bi you. You are going to have to work through this with a specialist if you want to honor your marriage vows.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's really not that complicated. 
You can either live with the sexual longing, or devastate your husband and children byu acting on it. Keep in mind, every human being in a monogamous marriage needs to keep their strong sexual longings for others at bay.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

nonsense said:


> i dont yearn for other men. i am physically faithful AND mentally faithful to him in that regard. it is completely different as HE IS NOT A WOMAN lol. how can he fulfill that?
> 
> this may have been the wrong forum, maybe i need to find a bisexual one, all im getting here are a bunch of sassy , opinionated people , no helpful ADVICE on how to CHANGE the situation for the better and STRENGTHEN my marriage....THATS what im looking for here.


You seem to be trying to convince yourself that you need to be with a woman to be fulfilled. So then why are you asking advice for your MARRIAGE? If you need to be with a woman, then leave your H, tell him you can't remain loyal any longer and want to be with a woman instead. He will be devastated, but less so than if you cheat first then the marriage ends in divorce.

Of course then down the road you will eventually convince yourself you need to be with a man to be fulfilled, and so you will pull all this [email protected] on your female partner, betraying her eventually too.

You see the pattern? Your problem is not your sexual orientation its monogamy, and since you are convincing yourself that as a bisexual you have the the need for one partner of each gender (ie get to eat your cake and have it too) then maybe monogomous relationships aren't for you. Atleast if you are honest and upfront with people you won't have to hurt anyone and may be able to find someone looking for the same kind of polyamorous situation you are.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I will try and be constructive - Dan Savage has written extensively about the difficulties of remaining monogamous. For some, you maybe, it is not possible. 

What you seem to be asking for is either (1) advice on how to repress your feelings (you are not asking for this), (2) advice on how to break to your husband that you cannot be monogamous (there is no gentle way, sorry), or (3) a moral excuse to cheat (there is none, except in extreme circumstances with abusive spouses).

An answer you are not looking for is to explore yourself and determine exactly why you are looking to be with a woman. What people are advising is that being bisexual is not an answer. Maybe the answer is that neither a male nor female can satisfy you, but that is not because you are bisexual, but rather because you cannot be monogamous. Many people, it seems, regardless of their orientation cannot be with just one person. As I stated at the beginning, you may fall into this category.

But coming to an anonymous board and talking about "repressing your sexuality" will get you nowhere. It is transparent BS that you might believe, but no objective outsider would buy. As a heterosexual male, I am repressing my sexuality by not sleeping women other than my wife, am I not?

The answer you are looking for is then (2), have an uncomfortable discussion with your husband and realize it may ruin your marriage. Sometimes, there is no silver bullet. While the answer may not be easy, there may be a hill to climb to get to the high road.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I too am wondering if this doesn't have more to do with being unhappy in your marriage, the stress of motherhood, possible post partum depression. How old is your youngest? 
I wonder if it's more that you miss the old you, before you got married and had kids and you think sex with a woman is going to make you feel more like your old self. I don't know. I know lots of people who are bi who are monogamous. 
It seems sometimes that we get depressed a dont know why, so our brains come up with a reason. And I'm not trying to minimize what you're going through, it's just that maybe your depression is about exhaustion, being a mom, changing roles, not enough time to yourself and hormones. 
I hope you figure it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First of all, you shouldn't be ashamed about your sexuality. It is not a path you chose.

However, as all others have said, having sex outside your marriage is infidelity if your hubs is not on-board with it regardless of the fact that he may have kissed a man and liked it (many years ago)

Your depression needs counseling attention first and foremost. It could be the depression that's causing these feelings of needing to be with another partner.

Deal with this issue first before trying to figure out the rest


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## nonsense (May 1, 2012)

just spoke with him about it. we both agree our marriage is number one and are both willing to compromise on it and work it out because we love each other. so you all were horribly unhelpful and i most likely will never come here for advice again because you are all *******s  thanks for nothing!!!!!!


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

See ya.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

nonsense said:


> just spoke with him about it. we both agree our marriage is number one and are both willing to compromise on it and work it out because we love each other. so you all were horribly unhelpful and i most likely will never come here for advice again because you are all *******s  thanks for nothing!!!!!!


umm, your welcome?

Sorry you found us so terribly unhelpful, but frankly still not sure what you were looking for short of us affirming your choice to cheat on your husband with another woman (since counselling wasn't something you wanted to consider).


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

nonsense said:


> just spoke with him about it. we both agree our marriage is number one and are both willing to compromise on it and work it out because we love each other. so you all were horribly unhelpful and i most likely will never come here for advice again because you are all *******s  thanks for nothing!!!!!!


If you "Compromised" him into an open relationship (Or more likely one end open only) we`ll be seeing him here in a couple of months asking WTF he should do about the horrible mistake he made that killed his marriage.

Monogamy is monogamy and it doesn`t give a damn what your sexual orientation is.

I`m not off banging other women because I am monogamous.

You, well...you`re not and your husband will pay for it with so much pain.

Enjoy the hell you`re about to drop on your family!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

troll


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Remember to send him here when he is dealing with you dating a woman and telling him that you love him, but you are not in love with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Another satisfied customer ...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> Okay, I'll bite. I'm a bisexual woman in a committed relationship with another woman. I agree with previous posters, especially tacoma who said this isn't really how bisexuality works. The problem isn't your sexual orientation, so start looking for the real root problem.
> 
> I'm right in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum, if not slightly closer to the straight end of said spectrum. Yet I haven't had sex with a man since I was 21 (12 years ago). Why? It just happened to be that the last two people I fell in love with and had longterm relationships with were women. Yes, there are sexual and emotional differences between men and women. I appreciate those differences, but I'm attracted to a person, not a gender.
> 
> I think there are other issues behind your desire to stray. You really should figure out what they are.


Thanks for chiming in 3leaf. Hopefully the OP will return (despite her goodbyes) and read this.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

nonsense said:


> i dont yearn for other men. i am physically faithful AND mentally faithful to him in that regard. it is completely different as HE IS NOT A WOMAN lol. how can he fulfill that?
> 
> this may have been the wrong forum, maybe i need to find a bisexual one, all im getting here are a bunch of sassy , opinionated people , no helpful ADVICE on how to CHANGE the situation for the better and STRENGTHEN my marriage....THATS what im looking for here.


What you are looking for is an excuse or pathway to cheat! :rofl:Your sexual orientation is totally irrelevant and a childish excuse. You are trying to rationalize infidelity by citing sexual orientation. The redhead blond discussion above is spot on accurate. Sorry if the truth isn't what you wanted to hear. Every married person chooses not to act on the ubiquitous sexual urges we face everyday. So should you or get out of your marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> troll



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OP was banned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## orangemoon (Aug 16, 2012)

I feel so much empathy for you. I can tell you that your orientation being suppressed is VERY different than a hetero person going after another hetero person outside the limits of your marriage. However, your situation also being outside the limits of your marriage means that you and your husband need to discuss changing the limits of your marriage. Just start discussing it. If he shut you down so badly after you barely mentioned something about it to him, then that is awful. But try again. If he truly loves you, he will need to open his heart and mind to exactly how different of a wonderful and intricate creature you are. That does not mean he has to let you act on it, but he needs to lovingly allow you to express your thoughts on the matter to him. That is the first step and you go from there together. It would be a travesty if your marriage ended because of unwillingness to open up. You are suffering. This is a part of you. You BOTH must figure out how to find happiness for BOTH of you. People go through changes even after marriage and the marriage must change along the way. Good luck to you!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

orangemoon said:


> I feel so much empathy for you. I can tell you that your orientation being suppressed is VERY different than a hetero person going after another hetero person outside the limits of your marriage. However, your situation also being outside the limits of your marriage means that you and your husband need to discuss changing the limits of your marriage. Just start discussing it. If he shut you down so badly after you barely mentioned something about it to him, then that is awful. But try again. If he truly loves you, he will need to open his heart and mind to exactly how different of a wonderful and intricate creature you are. That does not mean he has to let you act on it, but he needs to lovingly allow you to express your thoughts on the matter to him. That is the first step and you go from there together. It would be a travesty if your marriage ended because of unwillingness to open up. You are suffering. This is a part of you. You BOTH must figure out how to find happiness for BOTH of you. People go through changes even after marriage and the marriage must change along the way. Good luck to you!


Why is this?

Why do you think it is different than hetero cheating? That her want to have sex with another woman is somehow different and special than a hetero sexual affair partner?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

orangemoon said:


> I feel so much empathy for you. I can tell you that your orientation being suppressed is VERY different than a hetero person going after another hetero person outside the limits of your marriage. However, your situation also being outside the limits of your marriage means that you and your husband need to discuss changing the limits of your marriage. Just start discussing it. If he shut you down so badly after you barely mentioned something about it to him, then that is awful. But try again. If he truly loves you, he will need to open his heart and mind to exactly how different of a wonderful and intricate creature you are. That does not mean he has to let you act on it, but he needs to lovingly allow you to express your thoughts on the matter to him. That is the first step and you go from there together. It would be a travesty if your marriage ended because of unwillingness to open up. You are suffering. This is a part of you. You BOTH must figure out how to find happiness for BOTH of you. People go through changes even after marriage and the marriage must change along the way. Good luck to you!


Gee. That sky. Isn't it a lovely pink colour? And are there chocolate leaves on the trees? Wow! We suddenly slipped into Lalapinknfluffy land by a different door!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

orangemoon said:


> I feel so much empathy for you. I can tell you that your orientation being suppressed is VERY different than a hetero person going after another hetero person outside the limits of your marriage. However, your situation also being outside the limits of your marriage means that you and your husband need to discuss changing the limits of your marriage.


So, then the only way a bisexual person can ever be truly happy with only one partner is if that partner is a hermaphrodite? I suspect bisexuals far outnumber "sexually attractive" hermaphrodites, so that must be a fierce competition (it is challenging enough being an average guy seeking an attractive woman, can't imagine if I had a fraction of a percent of the population instead of 50% to choose from.

Or is it that being bisexual grants you the polyamory certificate? Because what you are asserting is that marriage can never be a place for monogamous bisexuals since they would have to repress who they are?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

To have any relationship with a male OR female that is classed as anything more than a friendship is cheating. If you found he wanted to have a relationship with another male how would you really feel? If a husband, and there are a few who like a threesome ffm and your happy for that then its mutual concent. If he is likely to get hurt and by this posting he certainly loves you and doent wan to lose you he will NOT be happy thinking about when you off with someone or even worse if you are having sex with him will he be measuring himself against how much he satisfies you compared to you "other" partner. This chemical mix will cause damage


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## shannonc5460 (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm sorry that's all a cop out. If you TRULY love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him then you forsake ALL OTHERS!! If you're getting depressed about this then you aren't happy with him and my suggestion is be open and honest and get out of the marriage because you will only cause harm in the long run. Better to end this now. Trust me I am a spouse on the the other end of this and the longer it goes on the worse it will be for him. Let him go if you care like you say. You aren't happy in the marriage or this wouldn't be an issue. It's just a cop out lady!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I have been with my husband for 14 years and I am a biaexual woman. Never once have I been with a woman inthose 14 years...why, because I chose to be with my husband and be married to him. It IS that simple.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I work on a simple pledge I made sometime ago and believe that when you give a solemn oath you should remain faithfull to that oath and those you made it too else DONT MAKE IT. I remain that minded in all aspects of my life I give my word and I stick to it. In marrage it was simple "Foresaking all others" not forsaking all other females (but ill be ok with a guy). If people cannot remain faithfull when their partner goves them their life then theey dont deserve that person as a life partner not matter how much it hurts for the break to be made, and god it does hurt.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

nonsense said:


> i am 25 with two young kids, married 5 years to an amazing man.
> 
> my husband ISNT ok with me having ANY contact with a woman as it would be "cheating". its been 5 years i havent touched a woman. and its getting too hard to repress my sexuality. i love my husband and want to be with him FOREVER. i dont want to have to get a divorce to finally satisfy myself. i want to bring this up to him again (first time in 5 years since the beginning of the relationship) in HOPES he may say its okay.....i understand his side but i cant help but feel this way.
> 
> ...


You sound a little like my W, in that I know she's attracted to women on some level, and has enjoyed sex with them maybe a couple times. She doesn't strongly yearn for it, but she does like it and the idea of it. 

But, did your H know this before you were married? If he did not, AND he is not ok with it now, I can't see this working, and it wouldn't be fair to him to change the rules at this point because of a desire. I think of it this way... I have a STRONG desire to sleep with other beautiful women. If I wasn't married, I would do so. But I am, and my W would NEVER be ok with that. And she's incredible. So it's a choice for me... Sleep with other women without her in my life, or sleep with only her with her in my life. Decision is EASY! There is no "desire" that could ever get me to step out on my W or make me want to leave her to pursue it / them.

Now, with my W, I know she'd like to sleep with a woman via a WMW threesome if the opportunity arose and circumstances were right. Part of that is me being ok with it. I would be, if circumstances were right. We almost did once. It was fun, and then we dropped it. She has zero pressure from me to do so again. I get zero pressure from her. I believe we're solid enough it would have no impact on us. But, we're not "looking for it". If it happens within both of our comfort zones, maybe we'll let it happen. Ground rules have been set, and we're "prepared" should we make that choice. 

What we don't do is pressure each other or let a "desire" get in the way of "us". We're either both fully on board with all aspects of it, or it won't happen. Making something happen, especially outside of previously discussed ground rules or comfort zones, will only bring about resentment and jealousy. And we won't risl it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I wish I would have seen her post before. I went through that with my H, except he allowed me to do it. I was bored in my marriage, this was 15 years ago. I had relations with a couple women, he knows, I got it out of my system.

Again a couple years ago, I had the same desires and this time I decided to look within myself, because I do prefer men. So what was this about for me? I found the answers in myself, in very erotic ways, at least I think so. 

So maybe the OP looks within and finds the same answer I did, or something else.

And please, you guys are too damn hard on people sometimes.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Sometimes certain people need the blunt, straightforward truth. And, with how many men and women that have been jilted out of happy marriages because their spouse was selfish and immature, I don't blame the posters for being hard on her.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> Again a couple years ago, I had the same desires and this time I decided to look within myself, because I do prefer men. So what was this about for me? I found the answers in myself, in very erotic ways, at least I think so.
> 
> So maybe the OP looks within and finds the same answer I did, or something else.
> 
> And please, you guys are too damn hard on people sometimes.



What did your introspective journey reveal?


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