# Idiots guide to deal with this?



## freefool (Apr 16, 2016)

Any initial steps I can take to deal with the fact my wife has recently left me an is going with other men?

I am in week 6 of our separation, I know she has had sex with at least one of her friends and I suspect another (she already fell out with the first). She and I plus the suspected other man all work at the same office.

This is the main thing that gets me down over our split. Is there anything I can do do help me get past this.

We still talk and I find I am happier to a certain extent when we don't. I think I need to shut her out more. We have kids so it's a fine line not to p*ss her off totally. She does give me hassle if I don't respond or answer questions (attention seeking). She calls me names etc.

Any advice? Good books? Websites?

Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Go as no contact as possible with kids. Leave or hang up immediately if she calls you a name or broaches subjects other than.kid logistics.
Find a good divorce lawyer and start the process.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

freefool said:


> Any initial steps I can take to deal with the fact my wife has recently left me an is going with other men?
> 
> I am in week 6 of our separation, I know she has had sex with at least one of her friends and I suspect another (she already fell out with the first). She and I plus the suspected other man all work at the same office.
> 
> ...


You need a good lawyer. And file for divorce. And report her to her employers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here 

You have to stop letting your WW call the shots and get a plan of action

1. Get a good lawyer, see what your options are with regard to finances and children. Get divorce papers drawn up, she needs to be hit with reality
2. Go completely dark on her, only communicate about the children via text or email
3. Record all conversations you have with her here on out
4. Tell all your families and friends what she has been up to with the OM from your office, go scorched earth on her
5. Get yourself a good IC to help you process the emotions. Lean on God if you are a believer of some sort.


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## freefool (Apr 16, 2016)

Thanks for the quick replies. I should say we will divorce amicably. Neither of us have the money, energy or hatred to make this any worse. I accept all that.

I just find it difficult that she is going with other men. She is 6 or 12 months ahead of me in terms of the marriage being over.

Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Search the laws for your location - does infidelity factor in divorce where you are? If so, document what you can, as you may get a better settlement and more say in custody issues.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

freefool said:


> Any initial steps I can take to deal with the fact my wife has recently left me an is going with other men?
> 
> I am in week 6 of our separation, I know she has had sex with at least one of her friends and I suspect another (she already fell out with the first). She and I plus the suspected other man all work at the same office.
> 
> ...


Tell her you only want to talk about your kids or work when necessary. You are separated, no need to talk about anything else.

Does your superior know about your situation?

Proceed to divorce and in the long run I would recommend looking for another place to work or at least change departments/offices/teams.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

freefool said:


> Thanks for the quick replies. I should say we will divorce amicably. Neither of us have the money, energy or hatred to make this any worse. I accept all that.
> 
> I just find it difficult that she is going with other men. She is 6 or 12 months ahead of me in terms of the marriage being over.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk


You think you will divorce amicably.

However, your wife may well have other ideas.

And to answer the vital question, No! You cannot trust her. 

And have the DNA of your children tested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

freefool said:


> Any advice?


1) Go NO CONTACT, except for kid logistics, to the fullest extent possible. Text or email only. Keep replies as brief as possible. Do not answer ANY questions outside of that.

2) Join a gym and go 3 times a week for an hour. Lift heavy weights. If you need to lose weight, diet. Cardio optional. Dress better, groom yourself, be a better version of YOU.

3) Work on yourself. Self reflect on what you could of done better in the marriage and apply it to the NEXT relationship. Learn to be alone for a while. Seek individual counseling if necessary. 



freefool said:


> Good books?


Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011



freefool said:


> Websites?


Talk About Marriage Home


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can speed up your detachment process with the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

freefool said:


> Thanks for the quick replies. I should say we will divorce amicably. Neither of us have the money, energy or hatred to make this any worse. I accept all that.
> 
> I just find it difficult that she is going with other men. She is 6 or 12 months ahead of me in terms of the marriage being over.


She has enough energy and/or hatred to call you names if you don't want to listen to her BS. So she will have enough energy to make the divorce ugly if she decides to go this route. For all you know she may be already trying to provoke you to do something stupid so she can claim abuse.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

freefool said:


> I just find it difficult that she is going with other men. She is 6 or 12 months ahead of me in terms of the marriage being over.


She's been checkout for a while. You just never got the memo.

She's already on her second guy. Your sloot stbxw will continue to be pumped and dumped by several other men. She's a monkey brancher swinging from guy to guy because she can't be alone. She trades a few kind words from them for sex because it's the only commodity she has to offer. She's a broken loser. 

You want to come out on top and FEEL like a million bucks like I do? Follow the advice I gave you in the prior post ESPECIALLY #2. Get yourself a nice piece of arm candy and live happily ever after. She wants you to lay down and rot without her. That's why she "seeks" your attention. The best revenge you can deliver is living far better than her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

freefool said:


> We still talk and I find *I am happier to a certain extent when we don't*. I think I need to shut her out more. We have kids so it's a fine line not to p*ss her off totally. She does give me hassle if I don't respond or answer questions (attention seeking). She calls me names etc.
> 
> Any advice? Good books? Websites?


You've found a good website.

Where is she staying? And most importantly, where are the kids staying. Hope its not too late, but if she wants to go play, you should NOT leave your home and the kids need to be with you as much as possible.

Does she have her own income? Do NOT finance her good time.

Why do you care about pi$$ing her off? Does she seem worried about how you feel right now?

I think you saying you're happier when you don't talk tells you all you need to know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

freefool said:


> Any initial steps I can take to deal with the fact my wife has recently left me an is going with other men?
> 
> I am in week 6 of our separation, I know she has had sex with at least one of her friends and I suspect another (she already fell out with the first). She and I plus the suspected other man all work at the same office.
> 
> ...


180 and divorce.

Also, if any of her boyfriends are married, expose the affairs to their wives.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Definition of Legal Separation

Some states consider a couple legally separated when they have signed a separation or marital settlement agreement and relocated to separate homes. A separation agreement is a binding contract, but the contract is between the spouses and doesn't involve the court until they’re divorced and it becomes part of a decree. Until that time, they're still married. In other states, legal separation is a process similar to divorce. One spouse must file a petition with the court and a judge decides issues of property, support and custody, much as he would in a divorce. At the end of the litigation, the court issues a decree of legal separation. Some states, such as New Jersey, call this a divorce from bed and board. However, spouses are still legally married when they separate by this method.

Definition of Adultery

Dating is not adultery in itself. Adultery requires that sexual contact exists between a married individual and someone other than his spouse. If a married but separated man takes a woman out for dinner, but drops her off at the end of the evening and goes his own way, it’s generally not adultery. Sexual contact probably did not occur. If he dates that woman repeatedly and they begin spending time together in each other’s homes, this can open the door for his spouse to claim the affair is adulterous because sexual contact might be taking place." this is all from 'LegalZoom'.

Not that this may help you any, but at least it does seem to make clear that separation is not considered a time to sow wild oats.
Usually during separation, sex outside the marriage IS still technically considered adultery by civil law (and morally with a few exceptions in my view). 
Your wife is committing adultery.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

So if spouse A has spouse B removed from the house with a temporary restraining order, spouse A cannot then claim "well, we were separated so it wasn't really an affair."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No contact other than kid stuff. Your anger, disgust, and every other negative emotion you have associated with her will make you want to talk to her to turn all that negativity loose. It won't help. IT will empower her to keep hurting you, and leave you feeling empty because the negative emotions are still there. Whenever the conversation turns to other than kids, either good or bad, hang up.

I have to fight this urge to talk to my wife when she calls and moves into non-child territory all the time. Like you, it leaves me hurting at the end of the call for a while. Just say no. No, NO, NOOOOOOOO when she wants to talk, and hang up the phone. Or just hang up. Rob her of the thrill of listening to the hurt in your voice and knowing she matters to somebody. She doesn't matter to you anymore, prove it to her.

I'll have to practice what I preach now. 
good luck to us both.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go to your company HR Department and turn in names and evidence.

The executive officers and management of ones compan absolutely abhor their customer base coming into public knowledge about any of the lecherous activities of any of its employees!

It's not really good public relations!

But if you do it, just make sure that they have new jobs already lined up elsewhere!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> 1) Go NO CONTACT, except for kid logistics, to the fullest extent possible. Text or email only. Keep replies as brief as possible. Do not answer ANY questions outside of that.
> 
> 2) Join a gym and go 3 times a week for an hour. Lift heavy weights. If you need to lose weight, diet. Cardio optional. Dress better, groom yourself, be a better version of YOU.
> 
> 3) Work on yourself. Self reflect on what you could of done better in the marriage and apply it to the NEXT relationship. Learn to be alone for a while. Seek individual counseling if necessary.



Cardio should never be optional. That's the part that makes for a healthy heart/lungs/BP. Sure a guy may want to get some definition from weights, but to be generally healthier, cardio is a must.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stop talking to your wife about anything but divorce and kid logistics. Seriously man, stop sticking a fork in your eyes.

When you're ready, start dating yourself.

Being real honest, I only really got over my ex after I had sex with someone else. Who wanted me and was really good to me. At least for a while. 

And that felt really good and I realized what I was missing in my life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Cardio should never be optional. That's the part that makes for a healthy heart/lungs/BP. Sure a guy may want to get some definition from weights, but to be generally healthier, cardio is a must.


For a man?!? Strongly disagree. 

Lifting weights is more than sufficient and will built a much better physique. Any weight you need to lose can be done effectively through dieting. He'd be better off saving the energy wasted on cardio on getting extra reps on the barbell.

OP which body type would you rather have? I'll give you a hint. One guy does squats and the other guy doesn't.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm not disagreeing that weight lifting gives muscle mass and definition. I'm arguing with your statement that cardio is optional. It isn't. For heart health cardio is important. I see it as part of an exercise regimen that is equally as important as weight training. We aren't just talking about weight loss and building muscle - I'm talking about building over all HEALTH. Heart health is important.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Let's split the difference. 

Long term, OP needs to incorporate some cardio into his routine for better heart and circulatory health.

Short term, he needs the ego and confidence boost by a better physique that will attract woman. So short term, if his time is limited, he should put it towards weight lifting for muscle building. He will have time later for cardio. If he has time and if OP gets a "runner's high" through cardio, then he can do that now too. 

IMO, This outlines the difference between what woman want and want a man wants. A woman will want a long term stable partner who has good health. A guy wants to look good to have sex and if given the choice between more sex and shorter life and less sex and longer life will choose the first option.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

haha! Yes, I'm focused on a man's health - my nurturing aspect, I suppose! Besides, doesn't circulatory health keep the soldier working better?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

The biggest thing is have a life no matter what get hobbies and meet new friends


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

D.i.v.o.r.c.e


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

freefool said:


> Thanks for the quick replies. I should say we will divorce amicably. Neither of us have the money, energy or hatred to make this any worse. I accept all that.
> 
> I just find it difficult that she is going with other men. She is 6 or 12 months ahead of me in terms of the marriage being over.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk


Women are practical my friend. If they need a step-dad and another wallet to pull from, they start dating quickly to replace you. Don't take it personally. She is doing what evolution has wired her to do.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> For a man?!? Strongly disagree.
> 
> Lifting weights is more than sufficient and will built a much better physique. Any weight you need to lose can be done effectively through dieting. He'd be better off saving the energy wasted on cardio on getting extra reps on the barbell.
> 
> OP which body type would you rather have? I'll give you a hint. One guy does squats and the other guy doesn't.


If this is the case, why did you picture a sprinter? Squats didn't make his fast.

To make sure this is somehow directed at the OP, as opposed to thread jack disagreements, you need to do cardio. But if you want to avoid losing muscle mass, look into HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) as opposed to running for a hour x3 per week.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He thinks he's going to divorce AMICABLY. In 99% of cases, I suspect that's laughable. She's going to take him for every dime she can. I'll bet on it.
JMO


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

freefool said:


> She does give me hassle if I don't respond or answer questions (attention seeking). She calls me names etc.
> 
> Any advice? Good books? Websites?


Let her hassle you.
Let her insult you.

You can either choose not to respond to the emotional garbage, or just say "that's interesting." or "I understand, you think that I am _________."

She gives you garbage, because you are taking it. Stop taking it. Let her throw garbage about, if she wants to. If she wants to make a mess, leave her to clean up the mess.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

First thing you need to do is to talk with your lawyer. I know you have money problems,but ask your family for some loan or maybe bank. 

Your wife left you my friend so dont feel bad for yourself. She is not your problem anymore. You should feel lucky because she is out of your life.

When she calls you names just hung up. You dont need to listen to her anymore. Talk only about your children and nothing more. 

Dont fall into depression. Take your children and go to nice vacation or call your friend,even better some Lady friend.

Divorce her and be happy.

Stay strong.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> If this is the case, why did you picture a sprinter? Squats didn't make his fast.


You don't get that kind of muscle mass running 40 yard dashes.

Impossible. Sprinters do TONS of weight training especially squats.

This is about OP. I'm trying to turn him into a stud not a dud.

Hit the weights HARD OP. Forget the cardio unless you want to.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sleeping with other men does not make her "ahead of you" in any process.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Satya said:


> Sleeping with other men does not make her "ahead of you" in any process.


Except for the "get an STD" process.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

freefool said:


> Any initial steps I can take to deal with the fact my wife has recently left me an is going with other men?
> 
> I am in week 6 of our separation, I know she has had sex with at least one of her friends and I suspect another (she already fell out with the first). She and I plus the suspected other man all work at the same office.
> 
> ...


she's fvcking men you work with and you are affraid of p!ssing her off.
Good god man get your balls back.

Do full exposure on her to family, friends, work without warning. And do a hard 180. If you want to try and salvage this. Which is probably not worth saving. Id file for divorce now.

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=mCssv5YTe6APA1Wv4ohlKl4z2nA-


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

Do kettlebell training - time efficient, muscle building and cardiovascular.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4styRto6zKE


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OctgWWrMaDo


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zjGbCZmZl4


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