# Husband feels inadequate



## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

I have been married for 11 years. We have had our ups and downs,but always come through. Sex has always been a big issue in our marriage. We started our marriage by having children, and sex was not the first thing on my mind. He cheated on me numerous times during this period which just made me want to have sex less and less. Well we finally worked through that struggle and began to rebuild our relationship about 5 years ago. Since then we started having sex 1 time a day if not 2. This helped our relationship grow until a little over a year ago when out of the blue my husband tells me he doesn't think I enjoy sex with him. It was a shock to me I don't know where it came from or what caused it. I asked him about it to which he told me it was how I acted during sex. He started sending porn clips to show me what he wanted me to act like. I hated them! He would always ask me what I though of them and to compare him to them. I would never respond because when I did he would always say something about how I liked big penises and didn't like his. Through all this I have always told him that I am happy with him, he satisfies me , and I enjoy sex with him. He wont believe me. He always tells me that I don't feel that way. He will get so mad at me and start arguments for no reason about stuff from 12 years ago. One night a couple weeks ago (after dealing with this for a year) he started yelling at me. He told me I was worthless and was basically as bad as a homeless person begging. It hit me hard and in the middle of the agrument (that has lasted for 3hours with him yelling at me putting me down disrespecting my family) he asked me how I felt about his sex. I responded with well sometimes I want more . Yes I know it was mean but who doesn't want more with sex sometimes. He has even told me that he wants more out of sex. He thinks e everything has to do with his size. Since that argument I have told him numerous times that he makes me happy, and satisfies me. I try and show him with actions,but he tells me I am lieing. I don't know what to do. So I guess my questions are;
1) Ladies are you satisfied with your partner every time you have sex?
2) what can I do to show him I enjoy sex with him which I do?
3) how much arguments and being scared of how my husband is going to be feeling should I take? His mood changes by the min. I dont know if he is coming out of the bathroom happy or sad/mad?


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> I have been married for 11 years. We have had our ups and downs,but always come through. Sex has always been a big issue in our marriage. We started our marriage by having children, and sex was not the first thing on my mind. He cheated on me numerous times during this period which just made me want to have sex less and less. Well we finally worked through that struggle and began to rebuild our relationship about 5 years ago. Since then we started having sex 1 time a day if not 2. This helped our relationship grow until a little over a year ago when out of the blue my husband tells me he doesn't think I enjoy sex with him. It was a shock to me I don't know where it came from or what caused it. I asked him about it to which he told me it was how I acted during sex. He started sending porn clips to show me what he wanted me to act like. I hated them! He would always ask me what I though of them and to compare him to them. I would never respond because when I did he would always say something about how I liked big penises and didn't like his. Through all this I have always told him that I am happy with him, he satisfies me , and I enjoy sex with him. He wont believe me. He always tells me that I don't feel that way. He will get so mad at me and start arguments for no reason about stuff from 12 years ago. One night a couple weeks ago (after dealing with this for a year) he started yelling at me. He told me I was worthless and was basically as bad as a homeless person begging. It hit me hard and in the middle of the agrument (that has lasted for 3hours with him yelling at me putting me down disrespecting my family) he asked me how I felt about his sex. I responded with well sometimes I want more . Yes I know it was mean but who doesn't want more with sex sometimes. He has even told me that he wants more out of sex. He thinks e everything has to do with his size. Since that argument I have told him numerous times that he makes me happy, and satisfies me. I try and show him with actions,but he tells me I am lieing. I don't know what to do. So I guess my questions are;
> 1) Ladies are you satisfied with your partner every time you have sex?
> 2) what can I do to show him I enjoy sex with him which I do?
> 3) how much arguments and being scared of how my husband is going to be feeling should I take? His mood changes by the min. I dont know if he is coming out of the bathroom happy or sad/mad?


Hey 

I’m a male so cannot answer your qstn 1.

Wel, He is not enjoying sex for the reason (may be) he has started liking soneone else. Have an honest conv (if u hvnt) by asking if he has started taking interest in any other female. He’s mood swing may be due to stress or financial issues so try to dig whats in his mind rather than assuming things.

Dont forget, there are few men who cannot overcome their habbit of having extra marital affair even after you’ve forgiven him multiple times.


More on your reply 


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

IndianApple said:


> Hey
> 
> I’m a male so cannot answer your qstn 1.
> 
> ...


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, your husband is a bit delusional. REAL sex isn't a porn movie (although SOMETIMES it gets close! ).
If he really thinks that real sex should look or act like porn, he needs to grow up.
Him screaming at you for three hours CERTAINLY isn't going to get him sex, NOR does it do anything to resolve issues.
Calm rational discussion can, but he's not doing that.
Sounds like he's been watching TOO much porn and comparing himself and coming up wanting. He's then projecting that on you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


What SPECIFICALLY does he complain how. How EXACTLY does he say you are making him feel like that.
Does he expect wild dirty talk and screaming at the top of your lungs?
Have you EVER acted like he says he wants? If not, why does he expect it to be different NOW?


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


Give him surprise sex invitation such as the moment he enter the house, push him to the shower and give him the wildest one you have neva done before. Try this out its worth it !


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


Give him surprise sex invitation such as the moment he enter the house, push him to the shower and give him the wildest one you have neva done before. Try this out its worth it !


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


Give him surprise sex invitation such as the moment he enter the house, push him to the shower and give him the wildest one you have neva done before. Try this out its worth it !


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

Honestly I know what he tells me that I dont make him feel like he is making me feel good. He wants me to talk more. I have started saying things during sex and sometimes he likes it then other times he will tell me I'm lieing during sex. For example I will say something like " you feel so big" sometimes he will like it other times he will say your lieing. 
No I have never been vocal during sex. I am a very private person and talking about sex was always hard for me. I have started being more open and still have a ways to go. Dirty talk honestly embarrasses me to say.


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> What SPECIFICALLY does he complain how. How EXACTLY does he say you are making him feel like that.
> Does he expect wild dirty talk and screaming at the top of your lungs?
> Have you EVER acted like he says he wants? If not, why does he expect it to be different NOW?


Honestly I know what he tells me that I dont make him feel like he is making me feel good. He wants me to talk more. I have started saying things during sex and sometimes he likes it then other times he will tell me I'm lieing during sex. For example I will say something like " you feel so big" sometimes he will like it other times he will say your lieing.
No I have never been vocal during sex. I am a very private person and talking about sex was always hard for me. I have started being more open and still have a ways to go. Dirty talk honestly embarrasses me to say.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> Honestly I know what he tells me that I dont make him feel like he is making me feel good. He wants me to talk more. I have started saying things during sex and sometimes he likes it then other times he will tell me I'm lieing during sex. For example I will say something like " you feel so big" sometimes he will like it other times he will say your lieing.
> No I have never been vocal during sex. I am a very private person and talking about sex was always hard for me. I have started being more open and still have a ways to go. Dirty talk honestly embarrasses me to say.


If he expect you to be expressive while having sex then do it that way. Start saying what you feel, genuinely. Give him blowjobs frequently and statements such as “i am not able to touch my nose to your abdomen coz it Cannot go deep into my throat”... he will like it...


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> Honestly I know what he tells me that I dont make him feel like he is making me feel good. He wants me to talk more. I have started saying things during sex and sometimes he likes it then other times he will tell me I'm lieing during sex. For example I will say something like " you feel so big" sometimes he will like it other times he will say your lieing.
> No I have never been vocal during sex. I am a very private person and talking about sex was always hard for me. I have started being more open and still have a ways to go. Dirty talk honestly embarrasses me to say.


If he expect you to be expressive while having sex then do it that way. Start saying what you feel, genuinely. Give him blowjobs frequently and statements such as “i am not able to touch my nose to your abdomen coz it Cannot go deep into my throat”... he will like it...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lifeainteasy said:


> Honestly I know what he tells me that I dont make him feel like he is making me feel good. He wants me to talk more. I have started saying things during sex and sometimes he likes it then other times he will tell me I'm lieing during sex. For example I will say something like " you feel so big" sometimes he will like it other times he will say your lieing.
> No I have never been vocal during sex. I am a very private person and talking about sex was always hard for me. I have started being more open and still have a ways to go. Dirty talk honestly embarrasses me to say.


So, what you are doing is GREAT -- you are trying this stuff for him, trying to be more vocal. Not sure why he would be OK one time, but not the next?
BTW, you can google "dirty talk" if you want to get ideas to try, but again this should be because YOU want to, not because he is pressuring you.
Maybe stay AWAY from any reference to size since he is so uptight about that. LOTS of other things you can say though


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, what you are doing is GREAT -- you are trying this stuff for him, trying to be more vocal. Not sure why he would be OK one time, but not the next?
> BTW, you can google "dirty talk" if you want to get ideas to try, but again this should be because YOU want to, not because he is pressuring you.
> Maybe stay AWAY from any reference to size since he is so uptight about that. LOTS of other things you can say though


I will Google it and see I never thought about that. Thank you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Whenever he says you're lying, or a negative comment, put him on ignore. 

There are no laws that say you have to react or remark back to him when he says something that takes away from what you're doing or sexually talking.

Good job for branching out with the talking during sex. As a H, I can directly report it adds to the sexual encounter.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Lifeainteasy said:


> I have been married for 11 years. We have had our ups and downs,but always come through. Sex has always been a big issue in our marriage. We started our marriage by having children, and sex was not the first thing on my mind. He cheated on me numerous times during this period which just made me want to have sex less and less. Well we finally worked through that struggle and began to rebuild our relationship about 5 years ago. Since then we started having sex 1 time a day if not 2. This helped our relationship grow until a little over a year ago when out of the blue my husband tells me he doesn't think I enjoy sex with him. It was a shock to me I don't know where it came from or what caused it. I asked him about it to which he told me it was how I acted during sex. He started sending porn clips to show me what he wanted me to act like. I hated them! He would always ask me what I though of them and to compare him to them. I would never respond because when I did he would always say something about how I liked big penises and didn't like his. Through all this I have always told him that I am happy with him, he satisfies me , and I enjoy sex with him. He wont believe me. He always tells me that I don't feel that way. He will get so mad at me and start arguments for no reason about stuff from 12 years ago. One night a couple weeks ago (after dealing with this for a year) he started yelling at me. He told me I was worthless and was basically as bad as a homeless person begging. It hit me hard and in the middle of the agrument (that has lasted for 3hours with him yelling at me putting me down disrespecting my family) he asked me how I felt about his sex. I responded with well sometimes I want more . Yes I know it was mean but who doesn't want more with sex sometimes. He has even told me that he wants more out of sex. He thinks e everything has to do with his size. Since that argument I have told him numerous times that he makes me happy, and satisfies me. I try and show him with actions,but he tells me I am lieing. I don't know what to do. So I guess my questions are;
> 1) Ladies are you satisfied with your partner every time you have sex?
> 2) what can I do to show him I enjoy sex with him which I do?
> 3) how much arguments and being scared of how my husband is going to be feeling should I take? His mood changes by the min. I dont know if he is coming out of the bathroom happy or sad/mad?


I do not know where to go with that.
It sounds like he has a lot of issues. Being unfaithful....it sounds like he has basically kind of warped his mind to some degree via porn watching. I'm going to go out on a limb and say if he had never cheated and didn't fill his mind up with images of porn and other women sexually and their sex acts he wouldn't be like this.
It is too late but I think taking back an adulterer is always bad news and to some degree you are now paying the price for keeping some lousy cheater around. If you choose to stay with a cheater be prepared to suffer for it.
Anyway, I digress. He has a lot going on in his head. I do not have a lot to advise or suggest. The only thing really is to just stay away from porn. Let those mental images and biases about how women are supposed to be and act fade away and let his sexuality only be expressed with you and let his mental imagery just be for you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he's a nutcase. at least when it comes to sex. personally i don't think any particular type of rational persuasion is going to resolve. he's already shown he's irrational about this.

he's going to have to come to grips with the fact that he's being a drama queen(king?). somebody he trusts is going to have to tell him. i don't know who, but it's going to have to be someone other than you. not that you're at fault, but he doesn't believe you for whatever reason.

most men would be thrilled that their wife is happy with the sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get an 8" toy as thick as your wrist enscribed with "Chad" if light in color or "Tyrone" if dark. Put it somewhere he can "discover" it. Maybe hit him in his insecurity to start a real discussion.

He has the problem and, while it affects you, he isn't your responsibility to fix.

He could probably use counseling but he probably won't seek it on his own initiative.

I would play a little rough with him to slap him into shape and you certainly don't deserve the treatment you have received from him.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

This is a tough one. Basically he is a prisoner of his own insecurity. Your post really makes me wonder how many guys are out here complaining about their sex lives, when the real problem is they can't get out of their own way. I am not sure how you convince him he is "good enough". Because you tell him to his face regularly it seems. Sounds like he just wants to make himself miserable. This won't work until he changes his perspective.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If it were me, I'd be honest and tell him the size of his **** doesn't matter one bit. The size of his massive insecurity problem however does and it's going to ruin his sex life so he'd better figure out how to get over it. And if he EVER tried to yell at me about it for 3 hours again he'd find that none of it would matter because I'd be gone. But I wouldn't have taken his sorry ass back after all that cheating either. He sounds like a nightmare to be honest. He needs to figure his own **** out. 

You sound like a good person and you certainly deserve better than what he's offering you. I wonder, does he spend any time concerned with what YOU need from your sex life together?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well The responses from men and women certainly differ don't they>
So first question, do you orgasm? Is he actually getting the job done?
Second, I do think being more expressive during sex can help. But I wouldn't feel compelled to try to perform from him.
When he sends you porn videos and asked you how you felt. I'd be more honest. Tell him you don't like porn and that his obsession with your performance makes you feel uncomfortable. I'd tell him you are tired of getting videos that make you feel like a monkey at the circus. I'd inform him that many, many happily ****ed women don't sound, look or act like that.

And Aine is so correct that I'd tell him the size of his penis is fine but his insecurity is really not sexy. 
Last if he said derogatory things to me like you are lying when you are trying to make him happy by saying anything at all, I get out of bed and that would be the end of sex for that day. Upon getting up, LIsten husband, I was enjoying myself til you insulted me with your insecurity crap and leave.

Have you thought that some of his porn he watches might involve yelling at, or punishing the wormen? When he says you are lying does he stop having sex? Or do anything in particular?

I've never found porn to be great but in this particular case. I think it is definitely messing with his head. He needs counseling.

While many men have trouble understanding it isn't necessarily the equipment it is how you use it.


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well The responses from men and women certainly differ don't they>
> So first question, do you orgasm? Is he actually getting the job done?
> Second, I do think being more expressive during sex can help. But I wouldn't feel compelled to try to perform from him.
> When he sends you porn videos and asked you how you felt. I'd be more honest. Tell him you don't like porn and that his obsession with your performance makes you feel uncomfortable. I'd tell him you are tired of getting videos that make you feel like a monkey at the circus. I'd inform him that many, many happily ****ed women don't sound, look or act like that.
> ...


 I am happy with the sex. I personally dont have a problem with it at all. I have said this over and over. I think some of the porn is that yelling stuff and the women being dominated. No he never stops sex. During sex is one of the only times he is happy. Its normally after when he says he feels bad like he didn't please me. No matter how many times I say other wise. It's just so frustrating.


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> If it were me, I'd be honest and tell him the size of his *** doesn't matter one bit. The size of his massive insecurity problem however does and it's going to ruin his sex life so he'd better figure out how to get over it. And if he EVER tried to yell at me about it for 3 hours again he'd find that none of it would matter because I'd be gone. But I wouldn't have taken his sorry ass back after all that cheating either. He sounds like a nightmare to be honest. He needs to figure his own *** out.
> 
> You sound like a good person and you certainly deserve better than what he's offering you. I wonder, does he spend any time concerned with what YOU need from your sex life together?


He claims that's the whole problem. That he feels he is not making me happy and feels bad about not pleading me
But the whole thing is I dont have a problem. I say that all the time.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

All I can say is that is someone wants me to act like a pornstar then I need to be paid like a pornstar. 
What do pornstars list as their occupation on their tax returns? I bet it's "Actress". 
Jeez


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Have you had a conversation not from a it's fine stand point but from it not fair?

It isn't fair that he is putting his feeling of inadequacy in the sack on you and that during sex he expects ego kibbles. Tell him you enjoy sex but you don't enjoy being in charge of making him happy by acting. Tell him if he really wants to make you happy in the sack he'll just **** you and let him know that if you aren't satisfied you will let him know so he can get down there an take care of business with his mouth or vibe if his penis is done. Say it firmly not during sex. Then on the rare occasion he doesn't get the job done then let him know.

Btw I noticed you didn't address orgasm, You said you liked it fine. Many women go for large portions of their life liking sex fine but not orgasming. And while that is ok, if he isn't getting it done this is an excellent opportunity to explore ways of making that happen since he seems to be worried about it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He claims I am the one not enjoying sex. He is very open about what he likes what he doesn't like during sex, and I try to give him what he likes. He tells me I make him feel inadequate.


Your husband sounds very insecure bordering on abusive.
Next time he calls you a liar during sex, stop everything. Use your power. Tell him as a cheating philanderer he is bloody lucky you will even have sex with him and you are still with him. The next time he verbally abuses you, tell him there will be no more sex until he gets his head examined with a good counselor. Tell him that you are worth much more than the porn stars and one night stands he's had and if he doesn't see that then maybe it is time to consider calling it a day and getting a good lawyer. Why on earth would you put up with this ****?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lifeainteasy said:


> Its normally after when he says he feels bad like he didn't please me. No matter how many times I say other wise. It's just so frustrating.


That's the effect of locker-room stories, braggadocio-borne lies, and porn. During sex, he's happy, but as he starts to compare a real experience to a fantasy experience, he is disappointed in himself because he can't achieve the results the porn actors pretend to have.

He's going to have to put away porn, put it out of his life, and out of his thoughts, and come to your bed and enjoy having sex with his good wife. Then, he will be happy.

No amount of encouragement, compliments, etc. are going to change his mind, because his mind is hell-bent on the stories and porn.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

A man's biggest sex organ is between his ears, not his legs. Stimulate his mind as it is easily tricked. Talk, illusion, etc. can be the most powerful forms of foreplay.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> That's the effect of locker-room stories, braggadocio-borne lies, and porn. During sex, he's happy, but as he starts to compare a real experience to a fantasy experience, he is disappointed in himself because he can't achieve the results the porn actors pretend to have.
> 
> He's going to have to put away porn, put it out of his life, and out of his thoughts, and come to your bed and enjoy having sex with his good wife. Then, he will be happy.
> 
> No amount of encouragement, compliments, etc. are going to change his mind, because his mind is hell-bent on the stories and porn.


I have to agree with this assessment. He needs help and to put away his porn.

Real women have many different reactions to sex and pleasure, from quiet, heavy breathing, grunts, facial expressions, non stop talking/whispering/gasping to all sorts of orgasms.

Pornstars perform and get their brains wired to perform how they are expected to for their payday.

Most pornstars have sex lives I wouldn't spit at because they are so pathetic.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He cheated on you and compares you sexlife to porn. I think his problems go way beyond your sexlife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> I am happy with the sex. I personally dont have a problem with it at all.


Look I stand by my last post, porn and insecurities that manifested themselves in cheating at one time, he needs some counseling. That being said this quote not a resounding affirmation. "I don't have a problem, even I am happy" is not "It's great! I love it! Let's do that again!"

I mean the local restaurant is nice and you can be happy eating there, have a great meal and that's nice, but most husbands and wives at times want to be more then you typical meal on a Friday night. Sometimes they want to be the 5 star meal in the city. I think for most people to get to that you need to really work at it and practice.

Do you tell him what you like? Do you also strive to make it better by being open with him about who you are sexually? Give him some avenues to make it better then, not having a problem with it. You say he makes you happy but are there things that if he did it differently could make you ecstatic? Part of your job being a good lover is to give him input so he can be a good one for you. In my mind that is your responsibility.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lifeainteasy said:


> He cheated on me numerous times during this period which just made me want to have sex less and less.


And you stayed with him?



> *Well we finally worked through that struggle and began to rebuild our relationship about 5 years ago. Since then we started having sex 1 time a day if not 2. *


"We" haven't done anything. You've taken it upon yourself to bust *your* ass trying to keep him happy at home by having sex once a day with him. What's HE been doing to help rebuild what he f*cked up? I'm betting a whole lot of nothing but he's sure loving being *rewarded *for his cheating by getting to have sex at least once a day.



> *This helped our relationship grow until a little over a year ago when out of the blue my husband tells me he doesn't think I enjoy sex with him. It was a shock to me I don't know where it came from or what caused it. I asked him about it to which he told me it was how I acted during sex. He started sending porn clips to show me what he wanted me to act like. I hated them! He would always ask me what I though of them and to compare him to them.*


So the fool STILL isn't happy and now wants you to work even HARDER at rewarding him for being a lying cheater. He's no longer happy with being rewarded for cheating by having sex once a day - he now wants you to start acting like a porn star and put on a performance for him like the girls in his porn videos do.

This guy is a real piece of work. What I DON'T get is your constant need to cling to him like grim death no matter HOW ROTTEN he's treated you for years. *I just don't get it.*




> *He told me I was worthless and was basically as bad as a homeless person begging. It hit me hard and in the middle of the agrument (that has lasted for 3hours with him yelling at me putting me down disrespecting my family) *


If you want to be with a POS like this, then I guess that's your choice.

I know this is going to sound like a CRAZY idea to you OP, but how about just ONCE, Mr. Wonderful actually puts some *effort *into being a decent human being and a good husband toward YOU? It's always all about you catering to this ass-hole and HIM always wanting more.

Just stop it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sokillme said:


> He cheated on you and compares you sexlife to porn. I think his problems go way beyond your sexlife.


The OP's first mistake was taking this lying cheater *back *after she found out how he spent the whole beginning of their marriage while she was busy having HIS kids.

That was her FIRST mistake.

Her second was pandering to him like she's his own personal sex servant.

Ugh.


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