# I guess its time to get some outside opinions and recess where to go from here



## TCG (May 18, 2019)

I initially created this account during the most difficult time of my life but I all of a sudden shut down and just took some time to accept my situation however I'm young, 22 in fact and I'm divorced. My wife and I were high school sweethearts together for just over 7 years. The entirety of those 7 years shes has this almost I would say obsession with me which has caused me to try and put the brakes on things so they didnt move forward too fast. When I was young I was a very quiet, respectful, gentleman like kid and that changed over time as I tried to be the person my father wanted me be. It was obvious it wast who I truly am. He was very manipulative, controling, and used me as his punching bag. The first time I slept on the streets was when I was 12 for something as simple as leaving the milk out im sure. When I met my wife things got much worse as I also went out and got my own car. I was doing what i could to seperate myself from home and not follow in his footsteps. He didn't treat my mother the best either but with time she would begin standing up for herself which also put more on my shoulders. 

My point is obviously my upbringing influenced me heavily and I believe unresolved issues from it followed me into my marriage. My ex asked me if I would consider the idea of marriage soon as she had been waiting nearly 5 years. I told her I was still a boy wkth unresolved issue and I couldmt be the husband she deserved and I even questioned if she was what I truly wanted. Everyone in our life was so unsupportive of our relationship fearing we would end up never attending college or she would end up pregnant. The only ones who seemed to support us were her parents. I see now that I always wanted to marry this women and she was the center of my world but being so young and bombarded so many negative opinions of others basically made me feel like I had no choice but to fulfill the expectations of others and I never thought to ask myself what did I want in life. Her and I did everyrhing together. We were best friends before we began dating and we were very protective of our relationship. We shared similar hobbies, interest, and spent every waking moment together. We even chose the same career path. I was originally pursuing engineering because math was never difficult for me. But I chose to become a nurse instead. 

Where I saw problems arise in our marriage is i became very depressed. I felt pushed into this marriage I just wasmt ready for. I needed to do some self discovery and accept some trauma from my past. It's bad enough she said I would have night terrors the first 6 months of our marriage and eventually be diagnosed by 3 different docs with PTSD. I resented her feeling like I missed out on so much and through this deep depression and struggles I put so much on her shoulders. I tried to keep my struggles to myself but as I withdrew she pushed harder to be the wife she always wanted to be for me. My academic achievements with nursing was something her family, my family, and my wife herself was so proud of I felt obligated to dedicate my life to it took up everyone minute I had. 

Things began to change in my perception and I realized I had allowed the negativity of others to control my life and my happiness. But I always did everything I did for us. I became a nurse partially because I feel its my calling and also so I could better provide for our future children. I was so close to becoming a nurse I thought if I could just push through the next 6 months I could finally begin giving her the time she wo despritly deserves from me. But it was too late. My behavior and immaturity at the beginning of the marriage coupled with the lack of time I had to spare would ultimately lead to our downfall. Our marriage was hard, we were thrown alot of situations many people never have to deal. She left for two days in April, returned for a week and the first 5 days she was happier than I've ever seen her in my life. She was so talkative, craved sex like I've never seen and just missed me. It was like she felt like things would instantly change but I was just such a mess by her leaving without expecting it I was struggling and also going through finals. I asked her what I needed to do to be a better husband and wrote a list but said change takes time my dear. Just be patient. But she ultimately left after a week for good. She said she wanted a divorce. She struggled with the decision at first but I swear someone pushed her to do it because one day she turned cold and wanted her divorce asap. Ultimately I gave it to her trouble free because I didmt want her in anymore pain. In utah it takes 21 days to get a divorce. 

I apologize this is so lengthy however my question is even as immature as her behavior was to just walk away like she did i honestly believe she felt I didnt love her like she loved me and she felt responsible for my unhappiness to begin with. She became depressed and unhappy and felt we couldnt get back on our feet after taking so many blows. Tje final being her car accident last December in which It was so bad I had to bathe her, carry her around, drive her everywhere, and the other person got away because they were here illegally. She never really returned to normal after that. I feel responsible for the failure of my marrisge and miss my wife. Do I give her time or let go and move on? I believe she found another guy which is so unlike her. Shes a mess and taking it very hard. After 7 years together I can say I dont recognize her right now and feel if I give her time she will come around. After the divorce went through I quit talking to her for just over a month because I was so angry and heart broken I didn't want to say anything I didnt mean and ultimately I was just numb. 

I dont know what to do. Shes been by my side so long and up until we got married we had a phenomenal relationship and even in marriage shared many phenomenal experiences. I just wasnt ready at 19-20 but now shes all I want. I know I can find someone else and I know life moves on. But I love that women and I love her family. It's just so odd because she continued to call me during lunch and on her drive home every day even after we seperated. Her marriage was her purpose in life and she continued to be affectionate until the day she left. 7 years together and she walks away like it's nothing.

I've wanted to contact her but I just dont know what to say honestly. Or do I just close the door for good and if she comes back dont look back.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TCG said:


> my upbringing influenced me heavily and I believe unresolved issues from it followed me into my marriage.
> feel like I had no choice but to fulfill the expectations of others
> I felt pushed into this marriage I just wasmt ready for.
> I felt obligated to dedicate my life to it took up everyone minute I had.


The unresolved issues are STILL hounding you. You are being a "rescuer". Please, stop. Take a few years to adjust yourself into normalcy before becoming married again.

_THIS ARTICLE_ 

is written from a career-professional standpoint. If you find resonance with what you read, you can Google some more.



TCG said:


> Shes a mess


Exactly. Put a period after "mess". 

You have done what a lot of people do. You have married back into your family-of-origin.

Your ex needs to find some serious emotional therapy, as do you. You cannot control what she does, she will make her own choices, and right now, she's making very poor ones.

Let her go. Let your marriage, those 7 years, and your FOO disappear into the past. Start fresh.

The author of the article uses the words "authentic self". In your case, the author is right, you've never met him, yet.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Whether you ever end up with her or not, you need to do some reading about codependency I think. Possibly see a therapist to help unpack your past so you can better see the future.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I’m not sure that I believe your statement that “7 years together and she walks away like it’s nothing”. It was something. For both of you.
And right now, it’s not. None of us can say what your future with this woman will be. But you are here, today, now. The 7 years together was something. You learned, you grew.

Next steps for you is to acknowledge where you are today. I agree with TJW. You are doomed to repeat history if you don’t resolve your childhood issues. 
With her or any other potential partner.

Take time to heal yourself.

Be honest. If you had her back tomorrow, would things instantly go away? Would all the problems, challenges and trauma go away? No. 
As you said “it takes time”

Give yourself that time. You deserve it. For you.

You will understand that when you are secure in yourself, then you can be a good partner.


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