# Long Term success & arguments



## Bellavista

I read all of the stories about those who have a wonderful long term marriage & I am in awe of them.
We have been married 25 years today & it has been a hard slog. We have been committed for the last few months to turning this around to be a fantastic marriage that we want to be in.

The issue I have now, is do you other long term married folks still have arguments? Hubby & I do argue on occasion, probably a couple of times a month & sometimes during this time I want to walk out & forget about him. Thus far I haven't, but do other couples who have wonderful, romantic times have arguments?

I really want to make this marriage work until one of us does die, preferably not at the hands of the other.


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## romantic_guy

We rarely argue...maybe a couple times a year. We have disagreements but we have learned (over 40 years) how to communicate our differences without it leading to an argument. Do a google on "fighting fair."

To be sure, there are times we get annoyed with each other, but it passes quickly and usually humorously. I can still make her laugh at me


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## SimplyAmorous

We argue..and to be honest, it's always started by me... he probably doesn't even deserve it and I did this more when my hormones were in overdrive...PMS was throwing me for a loop. Every 28 days I would get irritable & run with something- that would slide off of me the rest of the month. (It was hit or miss, I skipped a few months too). 

I guess I like a little conflict now & then. But we always make up quickly (within hours)..and we're back in each others arms... the sun is shining again. 









We also don't leave each others side.... if I try to leave him alone, if I slam a door in a hot moment....I am so miserable, I am basically worthless to anyone ....my heart is on my sleeve.....I end up marching right back to him - which he's admitted he LOVES this weakness in me...I tell him how pathetic I am, I can't even stay away...I can see the corner of a  on his face, sometimes this gets us laughing...breaking the tension.. ....then we talk deeply....we listen...we own our our faults....we forgive....This always leads to some great Make up sex. 

I've always felt if a couple doesn't fight once in a while, they can't possibly be communicating honesty.

And for every conflict we have...we've always been able to







about it afterwards... this may sound strange I suppose, just shows how stupid some of our fights are.....some of these top some of our funniest moments ever. 

Yet...we learn something of value -by digging a little deeper on some issue or contention...so it's been a good thing -reaching to more vulnerability with each other even...

I'd never think a little conflict is a bad thing...so long as a couple continues to yield to each other ...passionate to working it out -no matter what...however long it takes, cause your marriage & being together is worth it all.


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## romantic_guy

SimplyAmorous said:


> We also don't leave each others side.... if I try to leave him alone, if I slam a door in a hot moment....I am so miserable, I am basically worthless to anyone ....my heart is on my sleeve.....I end up marching right back to him - which he's admitted he LOVES this weakness in me...I tell him how pathetic I am, I can't even stay away...I can see the corner of a  on his face, sometimes this gets us laughing...breaking the tension.. ....then we talk deeply....we listen...we own our our faults....we forgive....This always leads to some great Make up sex.
> 
> I've always felt if a couple doesn't fight once in a while, they can't possibly be communicating honesty.


I just gotta say...I LOVE your posts!!! You guys must be fun to be around. Yours is a different dynamic than our relationship and it just shows how we can all handle things differently and yet remain strong in our relationship.


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## Mavash.

We rarely argue either and we've been married 21 years. I'd say a couple of times a year. Our disagreements are usually solved within minutes.

Now back in the day I LOVED to pick fights and argue. I was addicted to the drama and had mental/hormonal issues. This was totally on me. Now that I've fixed these things I'm calm and we're just this quiet, low key couple now.


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## SimplyAmorous

romantic_guy said:


> I just gotta say...I LOVE your posts!!! You guys must be fun to be around. Yours is a different dynamic than our relationship and it just shows how we can all handle things differently and yet remain strong in our relationship.


Yes, couples are all different...it's good to know what works for you & works well. 

We've been told we're a little crazy...but in a entertaining way.... our best guy friend described our dynamics once.. saying I was like ..."a cup of Hot tabasco sauce" and my husband is ...the "Perfectly timed non-chalant dry humored saltine cracker”. 
We do have FUN with it...


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## Pandakiss

we argue and fight all the time. the thing that works for us is right fighting, and sometimes we just bark for no reason. not everything has to be a point, or even made a point.

and just because, we disagree, dosent mean we dont love each other. sometimes we are saying the same thing, just different wording, and if one of us just takes a step back, and lets it go cooler heads can come back to the subject later.

we dont have to agree with everything, at the same time, and screaming at someone to listen to you, usually has the exact opposite reaction. its good to set rules for disagreements, such as, you cant understand their point of view, or i think we are saying the same things, we are going around in circles...so, lets side bar this and come back in a few hours or a couple of days.

we have been barking for about 20 or so minutes, and i have thought to my self, what the fvck is this about?, why do i care?, so i have said out loud, babe, im sorry, i cant for the life of me remember why i disagreed with you, i cant see why this is continuing....lets just both agree, and move on with life.

of course understanding our spouse love languages helps. sometimes we as humans just b!tch about sh!t, and want someone to be there, it takes a eye for body language, and tone or pitch in voice. sometimes we snap, and its not intentional....so take in body language, and tone and if its just frustrations from life, and not take every rise in voice as a challenge.


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## Bellavista

Thanks guys for the insights.


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## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> We argue..and to be honest, it's always started by me....


I am also guilty of the same.
We hardly argue, but when we argue its almost always started by me.
I get pissed about something going wrong in the business and I start to argue.

The funny thing is that I hardly get pissed about anything in our relationship....

But one thing I'm glad for is that if we argue now , five minutes after we are back to normal talking and laughing, poking fun at each other.

Whenever we argue, if she thinks I'm going overboard she usually tells me
" _stop acting like a jackass !_ "
I translate it to mean that she fed up of my arguments and time to stop and discuss, not argue about the problem.
[ Funny how that works !]


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## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> I am also guilty of the same.
> We hardly argue, but when we argue its almost always started by me.
> I get pissed about something going wrong in the business and I start to argue.


 The more dominant personalities will fall short here....It is one of our weaknesses....we get frustrated easier, we are more demanding of things running smoothly...... I know, for us, our opposite temperaments are a blessing. 



> But one thing I'm glad for is that if we argue now , five minutes after we are back to normal talking and laughing, poking fun at each other.


 Yes..and this is so very healthy CB....that you can do this in minutes. 

Since my hormones have calmed ....so has my picking little cat fights...I gave him more grief over wanting him to UP the aggression in bed - than anything I can think of. My 1st threads here ~ about this...just something I was going through... it passed. 

There was a time in our marriage, we didn't fight much at all... but we weren't as passionately affectionate either... he would come home from work, I'd be doing MY thing (I used to spend time on Christian & Parenting forums).... I had the kids in bed with us... I was basically taking him for granted and HE DIDN'T cause an uproar about it ....and ya know... HE SHOULD HAVE.... he needed to ALERT me to the subtle "apathy" we were allowing to come between us....darn him - he had a right to be







....I was caught up in Mommy mode....and he wanted more but stuffed it down. 

Never forget this 1 fight we had.... Great memories...









I was on top of him naked (I recommend fighting in the buff).....had his hands pinned down....telling him exactly what I wanted him to DO to me... I was kinda pi$$ed / growling at him....he lets me go on.....then he says to me so calm & controlled........ "You're not going to like this... but you are turning me on"... I looked down... and well.....hmmmm... yeah... that just brought a huge  to my face .....End of fight !! Something utterly ridiculous like that is kinda normal for us... 



> Whenever we argue, if she thinks I'm going overboard she usually tells me
> " _stop acting like a jackass !_ "


 When I get that way, he'll look at me and say... "I know what you need...You need laid" ... once he told me I needed a cage with duct tape over my mouth







.... I loved that ! :rofl: He makes fun of me....and this so often defuses me...that's why he is so good for me.


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## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> He makes fun of me....and this so often defuses me...that's why he is so good for me.


YES, YES!
same with us!
She sometimes makes fun of me when I'm getting too upset over insignificant stuff,
and somehow I start to laugh at myself...

That's why I always say that she's a good woman.
After all she puts up with my sometimes foolishness.


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## SimplyAmorous

Caribbean Man said:


> YES, YES!
> same with us!
> She sometimes makes fun of me when I'm getting too upset over insignificant stuff,
> and somehow I start to laugh at myself...
> 
> That's why I always say that she's a good woman.
> After all she puts up with my sometimes foolishness.


And can you imagine IF your wife was uptight & didn't do that, show that lighthearted side of herself ... or My husband was an aloof ogre or mean spirited back to me....you know as well as I....this would only escalate our irritation....

Yes, some things in life are worth PURE GOLD.


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## Coffee Amore

Bellavista said:


> The issue I have now, is do you other long term married folks still have arguments? Hubby & I do argue on occasion, probably a couple of times a month & sometimes during this time I want to walk out & forget about him. Thus far I haven't, but do other couples who have wonderful, romantic times have arguments?
> 
> I really want to make this marriage work until one of us does die, preferably not at the hands of the other.


We argue. I think it's healthy to argue so long as it's not every single day or several times a week. I read in John Gottman's book about the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that arguments are normal and natural amongst those with long-term marriages. He surveyed hundres of happily married couples and found that most of them do argue. It's how they resolve their disagreements that matter. And when they argue, they don't resort to contempt, belittling and stonewalling. Sometimes when people say they don't ever have arguments, it sounds great, but they may be stuffing their resentments and seething inside, keeping score instead of bringing the issues to the forefront. That's a worse problem than having some conflict now and then. 

We don't have knock down, drag-out fights where one of us storms out of the house and we don't talk for days. We have arguments where we've gone to bed angry with each other. I'm not a believer in "don't go to bed angry." Sometimes you need to get your sleep, it's too late to keep talking, plus in the morning, you can address the issue with a cooler frame of mind.
The good thing about our disagreements is we usually reach a compromise or one of us will say something that's an inside joke between us, and it breaks the tension. We have a good laugh then we figure out a way to resolve whatever the issue is.


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## Bellavista

99.9% of our fights are started by H making a comment about money. He stresses about money because he runs his own business. I react to what he says & then it is on.

We don't argue about our relationship, we can talk about that easily, we don't argue about the kids, the house or anything like that. 

When we do have a big fight, we will usually each go to our respective corners, have a sulk for a while, apologize (normally him, he is wrong far more often than me..) and then get on with life. It just unsettles me for a while after a fight because we have a history with him being a fWH.


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## Caribbean Man

Bellavista said:


> *99.9% of our fights are started by H making a comment about money. He stresses about money because he runs his own business. I react to what he says & then it is on.*
> 
> We don't argue about our relationship, we can talk about that easily, we don't argue about the kids, the house or anything like that.


Same here with me.
Sometimes the pressure of running the business gets really tough. Money is not the problem its deadlines, and other logistics.

For eg;
She's supposed to travel for a vacation mid next month. She asked me to go to the bank to purchase $US dollars for her. I haven't found the time as yet because I would have to get in line. My contact at the bank is on vacation, so it will take sometime.
I know she's getting anxious.
Lets say she decides to give me a gentle reminder and at that very same point, I just came off the phone with an unhappy client who's complaining and threatening. Then I may very well snap back at her and the argument starts.

What I try to do is pay attention and attend to these " little things " before they escalate into something worse , that is often tangential in relation to the original issue.

But whenever we argue I feel bad inside because I know that she's trying her best.
So I always make it my duty to make up for it.

We hardly argue about the relationship.


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## Cletus

Do we still argue? Not like we used to. She threw her engagement ring at me and I held it for a week back in the day. Scared the crap out of her. My roommate said we weren't compatible and shouldn't get married at all. That ingratiated him to my wife about as well as you'd expect.

When first married, I had to remind her that her period did not imply open season on beating me up about everything, and I've had my share of issues with a volatile temper (never violent, just loud).

Today, if we're going to fight, it will likely be about sex. That one has never really gone away completely, but I think it's on the way out finally. We had a fight just this week about family - which is unusual for us. 

There's a couple of days of detente, some vaguely muttered apologies, and life goes on in the knowledge that a little tiff now and then isn't going to threaten our marriage.


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## heartsbeating

We've been working on/improving our communication. When we first got together, I was a door slammer. He made it clear that wasn't the way to be with him. He found it disrespectful. I thought his request was reasonable and I haven't slammed a door since. As time went on, I started really choosing what I'd bother speaking up about, opting for being (what I thought was) laid-back. I've since discovered it was really a form of apathy/detaching. He also didn't speak up about certain things that annoyed him and this unfolded unhealthily to aspects of our relationship. I now hear more when he's annoyed with me. It's healthy and allows us both more insight to each others perspective. Strange how this is an adjustment. 

We set boundaries early on. We try to keep on topic, we don't say nasty things to one another. We talk it out. That's the healthier version of us and we're a work in progress.

Otherwise, we have occasional silly moments of tension but they're not arguments. Like last night, we were making the bed together, putting on new sheets and duvet cover. I was doing the duvet and he started telling me how to do it. I looked at him confused and annoyed, "I do know how to make a bed ya know!" He said something about me not being able to do the duvet cover. Shocked and prickly, because I make the bed most of the time, I told him, "No, it's just the blue fitted sheet I can't get. It shrunk and I can't pull it over the corners of the mattress properly." (haha, I know, but it's true). I then told him that I taught him the duvet cover technique when we first moved in together. We then stupidly had back and forth conversation about this, getting agitated with the other lol. Him telling me he doesn't know how I think these things, when he was living alone before we met. Then me reality-checking that..... he had a mattress on the floor and I'm not sure he even had sheets. Yes, obviously we were tackling the big issues at this point lol. 

Which led to him cheekily describing his living set-up before we met and how independent he was. I reminded him he didn't have a duvet, I think he had a sleeping bag. Then I was being cheeky and asked, hmm what did I see in you..no duvet? (we'd finished the bed and were now in the kitchen). He replied, "Let me take you back to the bedroom and remind you what you saw in me."

mrow.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini

Hey Bellavista, 

As a marriage counselor in Denver, Colorado I can tell you that I have seen couples who have been married for 30+ years and they're still trying to figure it out how to make it work. There are lots out there just like you. 

One thing I wanted to mention was just because you still argue, doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, I wrote an article about why fighting can be good in your relationship . The most important thing is to decide whether your fighting is personally tolerable to you or not. In other words, don't judge your relationship by some perceived standard of normal or by what your friends relationships look like. Your relationship happiness is yours and no one else's. Make sure you're happy within your relationship. If you want o see a counselor, then you're the one who makes that decision. Don't let anyone else tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't go see one. 

Hope this helps.


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## I Notice The Details

I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?


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## Coffee Amore

I Notice The Details said:


> I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?


I don't think you are weird. 
You sound like my husband and me. I too can count on my hands the number of shouting type of arguments we've had in some 20 years together. There's only 1 really big fight in which I lost my temper in a bad way. We are both very even tempered people who don't get mad at each other easily. It's just luck that I found someone who is as slow to anger as I am. Don't get me wrong, he can annoy me and vice versa and we disagree on a number of topics, but it's rare we have heated arguments, silent treatment, door slamming and curse words.


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## CharlieParker

You're both weird! JK, not weird, just very different than me and my wife. In 20 years I would need a lot of hands.

We shout a lot. It's our way of venting. Our boundaries are very different than many here I suspect but we're also both very quickly forgiving of stuff said in the heat of the moment. One of our earliest rules is one can go to bed mad, even in a different room (that's one hand territory) and one can wake up mad but one can't go to bed mad a second time.

It's worked for us. And for anything major there's always the gulp, "we need to talk". Voices never raised then.


ETA: we don't have kids so no shouting in front of them.


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## I Notice The Details

CharlieParker said:


> You're both weird! JK, not weird, just very different than me and my wife. In 20 years I would need a lot of hands.
> 
> We shout a lot. It's our way of venting. Our boundaries are very different than many here I suspect but we're also both very quickly forgiving of stuff said in the heat of the moment. One of our earliest rules is one can go to bed mad, even in a different room (that's one hand territory) and one can wake up mad but one can't go to bed mad a second time.
> 
> It's worked for us. And for anything major there's always the gulp, "we need to talk". Voices never raised then.


My Mom's family shouted a lot. No one in my house growing up ever shouted, nor in my current marriage. My wife has never shouted at me since I met her in 1994. We must be weird.


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## Bellavista

Husband and I have never shouted at each other. We are both passive aggressive and tend to have silent fights..

I did shout at the kids on occasion when they were little, but they were really annoying and there were 5 of them all close in age.

My parents didn't shout either, they fought all of the time, but are both also passive aggressive.


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## Caribbean Man

I Notice The Details said:


> I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?


With my wife and I , we have only had one big argument , early on about our relationship and I decided it was enough to head to a marriage counsellor, based on the sentiments expressed.
After we worked that one out there have been none.

The only thing we argue about is business related issues. We jointly run a business I started.
I am the type of person who likes to reason things out logically.
She's very passive aggressive, so sometimes she " attacks " me from behind , but I've found that her sometimes passive aggressiveness makes me even more mentally / emotionally alert to her needs. She's acting that way because she's upset with something that she percieves I'm doing wrong. So even though she's handling it badly, I realize that what's triggering her passive aggressive response is something I'm diong.
She is snot an irrational woman controlled by emotions, she is good at reasoning things out.
So I have to be honest, admit my faults and know when to back down.

Our fight have been very rare, I always try to figure out what she's thinking in order to circumvent unnecessary friction.


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## Mahogany

It pains me to just hear about how business is negatively affecting someones' intimate relationship. With parents who suffered from poor communication/argument skills, who could easily have arguments 4-5 times a week almost exclusively around financial issues, I am desperately looking for healthy preventative habits worth cultivating early.


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## waiwera

Well I get mad/argue sometimes... he usually just nods his head...until I run out of steam/hot air. Then we talk.

When I was younger he told me he thought we shouldn't argue because it sets off my Tourette syndrome... ahem... I don't have that! I just had a bad temper and a potty mouth.

I've learnt how to deal with conflict in a better way now. I play by the 'rules' and I play fair... and I don't swear... much!

I read once that conflict is normal and healthy...as long as it is dealt with well and everyone feels heard and that the issue has been resolved or is a work in progress.


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## SimplyAmorous

waiwera said:


> I read once that conflict is normal and healthy...as long as it is dealt with well and everyone feels heard and that the issue has been resolved or is a work in progress.












I don't think I would survive with someone who didn't enjoy a little conflict once in a while...







....I am always amazed when I hear of couples who never fight... The 1st thing I think is.. they are fibbing OR they can't possibly be communicating at the deepest level... True....maybe they just both posses a pleasing more passive personality....but still...arguments have to come here & there...we can't always agree. I think me & mine are pretty darn compatible.. but still we have our moments ! 

This is one of the best articles I've read explaining 6 healthy steps to couple Communication....emphasis on # 5....the fighting paragraph.
................







PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE











> *1*. *Interdependent couples accept the need for them to change and take ownership of their own issues.*
> 
> *2*. *Interdependent couples don’t give up their own identity.*
> 
> *3.** Interdependent couples are able to confront and criticize their partner in a non-judgmental, healthy, and non-blaming manner, without rage and without shaming. *
> 
> *4*.* Interdependent couples are not enablers, and set good boundaries and limits in their relationships.*
> 
> *5*. *Interdependent couples fight!*
> 
> They fight in a healthy way and do not fear or avoid healthy conflict and uncomfortable feelings in their marriage. Because they are able to express their genuine feelings when they occur, they are able to show anger in a healthy way, without rage. When they do show their feelings in an unhealthy manner, they are able to recognize their relapse, realize what deeper issues have been touched, and forgive themselves without spiraling in shame.
> 
> They are also able to forgive their partners for their mistakes. Interdependent couples recognize that to deny feelings is to deny who we truly are. They accept that the full range of emotion is to be real. They know that without expressing genuine emotion, the feelings will run their lives and take over in the form of addictions or other counterproductive and unhealthy behaviors.
> 
> *6*.* Interdependent couples have healthy communication, with deep connection and intimate sharing.*


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## WillPrez

A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, I think the trust is the first and perhaps most important predictor of long-term relational success, and good communication, successful couples have the ability to solve problems and let it go and spend time together.


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## I Notice The Details

WillPrez said:


> A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, I think the trust is the first and perhaps most important predictor of long-term relational success, and good communication, successful couples have the ability to solve problems and let it go and spend time together.



:iagree: great point WillPrez.


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## Wiserforit

I Notice The Details said:


> I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?


I hear a lot of people saying that if couple's don't fight then there is something wrong with them, and that's just silly as a general rule. 

Knowing how to avoid fights is a skill you can develop. For one thing, not letting your emotions get the best of you. For another, watching your spouse's emotions very carefully and addressing them before they get out of hand.

Not being selfish is high on the list too. Being able to admit you are wrong. Apologizing with a real apology and contrition instead of "I'm sorry but it is your fault" non-apology.

As a teenager I learned to listen and put the other person's feelings into my own words and explain it back to them. If someone can do that in return, there isn't going to be a fight even if the disagreement is substantial. Validating each other's feelings shows respect. 

On the other hand, if you want a fight just go ahead and raise your voice, interrupt the other person, belittle their feelings, refuse to compromise, call them names and make sure to put all the blame on them.


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## SimplyAmorous

Wiserforit said:


> On the other hand, if you want a fight just go ahead and raise your voice, interrupt the other person, belittle their feelings, refuse to compromise, call them names and make sure to put all the blame on them.


 We fight now & then but I can't say we do all of this... I may raise my voice in the heat of the moment (I'm not perfect)... I don't interrupt...I try to understand his feelings without belittling... but again...I'm not perfect...if I screw up here...(I always apologize- and with







-heck even tears sometimes... as does my husband)....sometimes we don't agree...

I never refuse to compromise...neither does he...we don't engage in silent treatments either ... but talking it all out/ some intense back & forth does happen...we own our own faults .... even in the midst of our arguing....we can do this..... But I'd still call it "fighting".. not as ugly & emotionally bloody ...full of defences as some may engage...but it's not always a walk in the park either.


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## Wiserforit

SimplyAmorous said:


> We fight now & then but I can't say we do all of this... I may raise my voice in the heat of the moment (I'm not perfect)


Nobody's perfect.

I did keep telling my spouses that I can't be the only one to hold my tongue, to suck it up and take the anger from the other person without responding in kind, to be the one that articulates their side...

So I left them. This time I made the right decision before marrying. There was one key event very early on where she was angry at me and she expected me to respond in anger to her.

I explained that I wasn't going to show anger and that this was actually very simple. She had to trust me. All she had to do was make the decision that we were going to be kind and loving towards each other and the rest of the day would be wonderful between us.

That's what she did, and it was such a wonderful day. There is a certain kind of thrill and adrenalyn rush you can get out of fighting. That's why people like exercising - for the endorphine surge. But you can get that same surge out of exercising together instead, best of all through sex. That's why so-called "make-up sex" is such a thrill for couples caught in that bad cycle. I've even heard people say just that - they like to fight because of the make-up sex afterwards.

But it is way better just to have great sex in the first place!


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## Caribbean Man

Wiserforit said:


> That's what she did, and it was such a wonderful day. There is a certain kind of thrill and adrenalyn rush you can get out of fighting. That's why people like exercising - for the endorphine surge. But you can get that same surge out of exercising together instead, best of all through sex. That's why so-called "make-up sex" is such a thrill for couples caught in that bad cycle. I've even heard people say just that - they like to fight because of the make-up sex afterwards.
> 
> But it is way better just to have great sex in the first place!


I agree with what you said , couples can find constructive ways to handle their anger.
Sex is a good outlet, so too, exercising together. It is not always possible to talk it out at the moment, and sometimes in some situations its best to " open up and let it out."
But there should be some boundaries set before, so that hurtful things are not said or things interpreted the wrong way.
it is fun to sit down and work out these things IMO.


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