# I have a confession.



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

I believe I cheated. I didn't think anything of it at the time because I was caught up in the moment.

I have been texting with my ex. It started out innocent enough. just talking like friends because I have always considered him my best friend. Well, we got to reminiscing about the days we were together and one thing led to another.....the next thing I know we're talking about what would happen if we ever saw each other again and how we would do it. (we live 6 hours apart so it would be practically impossible for it to happen physically.)

My husband hates my ex. I tried to stop talking to my ex earlier this year because I knew my husband didn't like it. but I can't help but want to talk to him. I miss him and feel like he's the one that got away. I apparently have no will power. I started talking to him again about a month ago and that is when the sexting started. It doesn't happen all the time but we flirt with each other and very rarely does it get to the point of sexting.

It feels really good in the moment, but afterwards I feel bad.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Far be it from me to judge; I cheated on my wife. But you're headed down a very steep slippery slope, between your unsatisfying intimacy in your marriage and this relationship with your ex. I'd guess you're about 6 hours and 2 drinks away from doing something you'll regret a lot. Have you tried individual counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Far be it from me to judge; I cheated on my wife. But you're headed down a very steep slippery slope, between your unsatisfying intimacy in your marriage and this relationship with your ex. I'd guess you're about 6 hours and 2 drinks away from doing something you'll regret a lot. Have you tried individual counseling?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see a therapist every other week. She knows about my ex. I would never be able to see my ex as we only have one vehicle, so I honestly don't think anything would happen. If he lived in the same town or the next town over...that would be a different story.

I know I'm heading down a slippery slope. I'm trying to get help.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How good would the moment feel, if your present H., put divorce on the table---do you think that moment would feel good----but then again you could run to your X---right---I am sure he will take care of you just as your present H---does now

What does it take to wake you up---how about life on your own---working 2 jobs, to make ends meet----will that wake you up----or once again---maybe your X---who you couldn't make it with before---will do all the things for you, that your present H---does----time to wake up, from your dream, and join us all in reality!!!!!


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Continued communication with your ex will also screw up his family eventually.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what happens if your ex decides he'd like to make a road trip? I applaud what you're trying to do, but until you deal with the causes of your unhappiness, you'll be at a high risk of "wrong time, wrong place, wrong person". But I wish you well, whatever that ends up meaning to you!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Your ex is a fantasy escape from the problems of your life. Sexting makes you feel beautiful and sexy. But the emotional support and the feelings of being sexy are things you know you should be receiving from your husband.

You are demonstrating how much of a compulsion an EA can be. You cannot stop by yourself. Even your counseling isn't doing that for you.

The only way to stop is fully confess to your husband. He is going to be furious. But you have been hiding your true self from him for a very long time. That is not a marriage.

Do you want to stay married? Or, are you secretly hoping to get back with your ex, and maybe if your husband discovers the truth, you will have passively-agressively achieved the divorce you're too weak to ask for?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

From one of your earlier posts.



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> We have been married 7 years. we knew each other three months before getting married. He was newly divorced and I was newly broken up with my soul mate because of a miss-communication. I ended up marrying "A" to prove to "M" that I was marriage material. I was young..24. a year after I got married I found out M had purchased a ring for me.
> 
> I've never gotten over my ex...7 years later I still miss him like crazy. But he is now a newly wed (2 years) with a baby boy (2.5months). We talk all the time...my husband doesn't know that I talk to him now.
> 
> ...





PurpleTurtle80 said:


> but i can't.  I don't have an income or a vehicle. I wouldn't be able to support me and the kids. He doesn't make enough money for any substantial child support or alimony. i'm going to school full time at night...i'll be done in November.
> 
> He knows I want a divorce; yet he thinks everything is just peachy. I've printed papers twice over the last 3 years. Our relationship sucks. I don't feel like I'm treated how i should be treated...he is passive aggressive and cuts me down all the time with sarcasm.
> 
> ...


Start looking for work to support yourself and your children and be honest with your husband and tell him that you are sexting your ex-boyfriend and that you no longer desire him and want a divorce.

Your husband deserves to be happy and he will never be until you are no longer in his life.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I see a therapist every other week. She knows about my ex. I would never be able to see my ex as we only have one vehicle, so I honestly don't think anything would happen. If he lived in the same town or the next town over...that would be a different story.
> 
> I know I'm heading down a slippery slope. I'm trying to get help.


So if you had a trusted friend or family member give you a ride to his location, you would not have any other excuse left? It's only the vehicle situation stopping you? How many vehicles does the ex have? Enough to visit you?

Please excuse the snippy reply, call it a reality check, but it appears that you would indeed cheat if you had that pesky transportation issue resolved. 

So, cutting to the chase, you appear to very much want to get back with your ex without consideration to your current spouse. Now would be a good time to focus on your own marriage and understand why it is you want to cheat, before the real damage is done.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

6 hours away?

Do you have any idea how far a man will go for sex?
6 hours is nothing.

That sexting gets hot enough and he'll make it happen.
What then?

I've been reading your threads and I really think you should divorce.

You want more than your husband can ever give you and that's understandable under the conditions.
The mistake was made when you married on both your and your husbands parts.

End it as compassionately as you can before it gets ugly.
It's just matter of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

jnj express said:


> How good would the moment feel, if your present H., put divorce on the table---do you think that moment would feel good----but then again you could run to your X---right---I am sure he will take care of you just as your present H---does now
> 
> What does it take to wake you up---how about life on your own---working 2 jobs, to make ends meet----will that wake you up----or once again---maybe your X---who you couldn't make it with before---will do all the things for you, that your present H---does----time to wake up, from your dream, and join us all in reality!!!!!


Thanks for your honesty.  I know I need to come to reality...I'm trying.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well my EA sounds pretty similar to what your involved in. What kind of help do you want? You know what you are involved in is wrong or you wouldn't be here or feeling bad afterwards. 

Why is he - the one who describe as your "best friend" and "the one that got away" - your Ex? Why are you married to someone who is by your own admission second choice? Do you really believe that or is it just affair foggy talk making you say that?

To help: First do you love your husband? Do you want to be married to him? Any help from us, your therapist or anyone else has to have the honest answer to those two questions first - so??


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You husband should be your best friend -- not an ex that got away. Fish or cut bait because this is not going to end well. I echo what Mori said.

(Be advised though, the grass is not greener on the other side. He's your ex for a reason.)


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Words are just that. Words. You say you want help and you are trying. But you're not as long as you keep up the charade.

Either you end the affair or you don't. If your husband finds out, get ready for a whole world of nastiness. The truth has a funny way of revealing itself at the most inopportune times.

I'm assuming you've kept the ex around as "friend" for the entirety of your marital relationship. Double betrayal. Especially since your husband can't stand him. It's no wonder why. 

Is your ex married?


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know I need to come to reality.

I'm scared of divorce...I've never lived on my own before. Chalk that up to a spoiled childhood and not learning or being taught how to be a responsible adult. 

I have abandonment issues because of my father passing away when I was 11. Which has driven me to acceptance from men from the times I was 15.

I do not expect anything from my ex if I were to get a divorce. He is newly married and has a baby. I know I need to leave him alone. I'm trying. I want to text him really bad right now, I'm trying so hard not to.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> *I believe I cheated. I didn't think anything of it at the time because I was caught up in the moment.*
> 
> I have been texting with my ex. It started out innocent enough. just talking like friends because I have always considered him my best friend. Well, we got to reminiscing about the days we were together and one thing led to another.....the next thing I know we're talking about what would happen if we ever saw each other again and how we would do it. (we live 6 hours apart so it would be practically impossible for it to happen physically.)
> 
> ...


You did. I understand your marriage isn't great. Believe me, I know. But continuing to speak with the ex... it will only make things worse. No one has said it yet, but you need to cut contact with this man. That is, if you want things to work with your husband. And....you need to come clean with your husband, and accept the consequences.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I'm trying. I want to text him really bad right now, I'm trying so hard not to.


Here's a solution: Get a hammer. Now every time you feel like texting him, smash one of your fingers with it. I guarantee that after the tenth time you won't feel like texting him.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I do not expect anything from my ex if I were to get a divorce. *He is newly married and has a baby*. I know I need to leave him alone. I'm trying. I want to text him really bad right now, I'm trying so hard not to.


Yuck. 

Ok I just went through a bunch of your posts. If you are so unhappy with your husband, saying how your sex life sucks, you're cheating with the guy he hates, talking about how great anal se x was with your ex, how you want to leave hubby and said in one thread how you "will suffer through staying" with him til you finish school, then stop wasting his time. It's wrong. So wrong. You're essnetially using him as a meal ticket/roof over your head while you plan your great escape. 

If you are that unhappy, leave.

Yes. It is really that simple.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Well my EA sounds pretty similar to what your involved in. What kind of help do you want? You know what you are involved in is wrong or you wouldn't be here or feeling bad afterwards.
> 
> Why is he - the one who describe as your "best friend" and "the one that got away" - your Ex? Why are you married to someone who is by your own admission second choice? Do you really believe that or is it just affair foggy talk making you say that?
> 
> To help: First do you love your husband? Do you want to be married to him? Any help from us, your therapist or anyone else has to have the honest answer to those two questions first - so??


There was misscommunication between my ex and I when we broke up. I was a spoiled brat (still am, I guess) and huffed away without listening to him. stupidest mistake I had made....until recently.

I love my husband but more of a friendship type love. I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. I am terrified of divorce though because I have not worked in the last 7 years. I have been a stay at home mom/wife since we got married.



Jellybeans said:


> Words are just that. Words. You say you want help and you are trying. But you're not as long as you keep up the charade.
> 
> Either you end the affair or you don't. If your husband finds out, get ready for a whole world of nastiness. The truth has a funny way of revealing itself at the most inopportune times.
> 
> ...


I have talked off an on with my ex...like once a year for a few days. Just recently is when we started talking with more substance and for a longer period of time.

My ex is married.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I know I need to leave him alone. I'm trying. I want to text him really bad right now, I'm trying so hard not to.


Understand that you are quite literally addicted - even if you really do love this guy and not your H - you are addicted to the affair (yes it's an affair you're having). Not texting him is just that simple - just don't do it - but it's not easy because you are addicted. If you understand that you can treat yourself accordingly and know that with time and discipline on your part the addiction will break - but you have to stop feeding it. 

I haven't read your post in other threads but it sounds like your marriage is a farce. If you think you have abandonment issues now just wait until your H catches you and treats you the way you are treating him, and then when it all comes out your ExBF dumps you like yesterday's trash to try to save his new marriage. 

IMO you're best bet is to swear off the ExBF unless you want the honor of destroying his marriage to, and then to be totally honest with your H and allow him to make his own decisions. If you don't love him, at least respect him enough to tell him the truth. If you don't, this will all blow up in your face and you really will find your self abandoned.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did your ex end it with you back in the day?

Why have you stayed in touch with him? Does your husband know you are in touch with him?

And yes, sexting someone other than your spouse is cheating. Just as it would be if your husband were sexting another woman behind your back, a woman who you openly hate. I imagine you wouldn't feel great about him betraying you that way.

hat's the backstory on why your husband doesn't like him?

And off-topic, I love She-Ra. Used to watch the cartoon as a kid.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments. I know I need to come to reality.
> 
> I'm scared of divorce...I've never lived on my own before. Chalk that up to a spoiled childhood and not learning or being taught how to be a responsible adult.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me like you might have narcissistic tendencies. In other words, "It's all about you".

You have abandonment issues.
You've never been alone before.
You're scared of divorce.
Your Ex is married
He has a wife.
He has a child.
You are cheating your current spouse and I don't see any concern for his feelings, his wants and his needs. Or any concern about the child you share together.

It's all about you.

While it is true that whatever decision you make will be for you to deal with, perhaps you might be better served to see the big picture. To understand why you chose your present spouse to love, honor and cherish to begin with and why you no longer seek comfort with him, communicate with him or seem to even want to work on your own marriage to make it better. If you want out of the marriage, then leave. Then take the consequences.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> If you want out of the marriage, then leave. Then take the consequences.


This is what is all boils down to.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Did your ex end it with you back in the day?
> 
> *I left him.*
> 
> ...





survivorwife said:


> Sounds to me like you might have narcissistic tendencies. In other words, "It's all about you".
> 
> You have abandonment issues.
> You've never been alone before.
> ...


It might be all about me right now because I've finally gotten sick of his treating me like dirt. I'm sick of trying to make this marriage work and him not. Yes I am at my lowest point in my marriage right now. I have tried to make this work for the last 5/6 years. All he does is tell me what I want to hear to stay and then he starts treating me like crap again.

I don't know how to leave. I don't have an income or a vehicle. He's done a pretty good job at boxing me in. I had a car....but he sold it.

He won't sign divorce papers because he doesn't believe in divorce...yet he won't work on his marriage. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. So, yes, I am trying to get help for me right now because I need help. I'm depressed and have been treated like **** for the last 5/6 years. I have not treated him like this (what you see on this forum) the entire marriage. This is all new this year. It doesn't excuse any of it. but i'm at my breaking point and don't know how to deal with it.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It kills me how often "soul mate" gets bandied about.You even see on dating sites where people are looking for their soul mate,but only within a certain radius of where they live!LOL Sorry if I'm off point,but the OP seems to live her life too much in her fantasies.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> It might be all about me right now because I've finally gotten sick of his treating me like dirt. I'm sick of trying to make this marriage work and him not. Yes I am at my lowest point in my marriage right now. I have tried to make this work for the last 5/6 years. All he does is tell me what I want to hear to stay and then he starts treating me like crap again.
> 
> I don't know how to leave. I don't have an income or a vehicle. He's done a pretty good job at boxing me in. I had a car....but he sold it.
> 
> He won't sign divorce papers because he doesn't believe in divorce...yet he won't work on his marriage. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. So, yes, I am trying to get help for me right now because I need help. I'm depressed and have been treated like **** for the last 5/6 years. I have not treated him like this (what you see on this forum) the entire marriage. This is all new this year. It doesn't excuse any of it. but i'm at my breaking point and don't know how to deal with it.


Have you considered getting a job? Becoming self supporting? Looking at options in that direction so that you are better able to support yourself? Have you researched alimony and child support in your state to see if you can get financial assistance enough to get out on your own?

I hear ya. You want out. Fair enough. But the primary focus should not be on the Ex (or his wife and child) but on you being able to take care of yourself. The Ex is wasting your valuable time, time better served to find ways to earn a living so that you can buy a car, pay rent, pay your own way.

Sadly, you will forever be dependent on others until you step up, take control of your life in a positive way, and find some means to support yourself.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It sounds like you need a plan to move forward. You are terrified to do so, and messaging your ex is an escape that helps you forget your immediate problems.

Whenever you start to plan a life without your husband, you probably feel your anxiety level shooting through the roof.

You run text your ex. He sends a message back and this sends certain brain chemicals out that temporarily takes away the anxiety. Reading his text also gets you to focus on something that is far away, a figment of your imagination, a daydream that makes the real world go away.

I don't see how you're going to get out of this cycle all alone. Your ex isn't showing love for you. He's showing how selfish he is by cheating on his wife and new baby and stringing you along. He has no intentions of leaving his wife. They just had a new baby! Maybe waking up to the fact that he's using you almost more than you're using him will get you to stop. But I doubt it.

What does your counselor say about all of this? How honest are you being in therapy?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> It might be all about me right now because I've finally gotten sick of his treating me like dirt. I'm sick of trying to make this marriage work and him not. Yes I am at my lowest point in my marriage right now. I have tried to make this work for the last 5/6 years. All he does is tell me what I want to hear to stay and then he starts treating me like crap again.
> 
> I don't know how to leave. I don't have an income or a vehicle. He's done a pretty good job at boxing me in. I had a car....but he sold it.
> 
> He won't sign divorce papers because he doesn't believe in divorce...yet he won't work on his marriage. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. So, yes, I am trying to get help for me right now because I need help. I'm depressed and have been treated like **** for the last 5/6 years. I have not treated him like this (what you see on this forum) the entire marriage. This is all new this year. It doesn't excuse any of it. but i'm at my breaking point and don't know how to deal with it.


EASY THERE!!! Who's the one who's been in a marriage for 7 years the whole time wishing she were married to another man? You can't honestly say your heart was in the marriage can you?? Even on the day you said I do - you weren't totally there. Don't make this all his fault - maybe if you'd been totally and completely into the marriage it would have been different?? Regardless - even if it is all his fault - even if he does treat you like crap it's no justification for cheating on him, let alone for wrecking the OM's marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_What's the backstory on why your husband doesn't like him?

*My husband doesn't like him simply because he is an ex that I keep in touch with*._

And with good reason. Surely, you can see why, right? 

2x4 Time!:



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> All he does is tell me what I want to hear to stay and then he starts treating me like crap again.


And you have a choice in the matter. You could have left 5/6 years ago but you willfully stay, year after year. Nobody is making you, holding a gun to your head.



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I don't know how to leave.


You don't know how to leave? Seriously? You leave by packing things up and walking out the door. The same way everyone else does it. 



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I don't have an income or a vehicle. He's done a pretty good job at boxing me in.


Don't do that. Just... don't. This is the 21st century. If you want an income, you can have one. If you want a car, you can have one. Don't blame him and say he's "boxing" you in. You are 32, not 5. You are a grown a$$ woman with choices. There is absolutely NO excise why you cannot have a job or a car. None. 



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> He won't sign divorce papers because he doesn't believe in divorce....


Word to the wise: most divorces are NOT mutual. Generally speaking, one person wants one and the other does not. It happens every single day. He does not have to agree to divorce you. A judge will sign for him & grant the divorce regardless if he wants one or not.



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I'm depressed and have been treated like **** for the last 5/6 years.


Then leave.

Personal accountability and responsibility are a helluva thing.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Have you considered getting a job? Becoming self supporting? Looking at options in that direction so that you are better able to support yourself? Have you researched alimony and child support in your state to see if you can get financial assistance enough to get out on your own?
> 
> I hear ya. You want out. Fair enough. But the primary focus should not be on the Ex (or his wife and child) but on you being able to take care of yourself. The Ex is wasting your valuable time, time better served to find ways to earn a living so that you can buy a car, pay rent, pay your own way.
> 
> Sadly, you will forever be dependent on others until you step up, take control of your life in a positive way, and find some means to support yourself.


If I were to get a job..since I haven't worked in 7 years, I would not be able to get a job that would cover childcare. My husband doesn't make much money either so child support/alimony wouldn't cover anything.

I WANT to be self sufficient, I don't know how though. I'm terrified.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> If I were to get a job..since I haven't worked in 7 years, I would not be able to get a job that would cover childcare. My husband doesn't make much money either so child support/alimony wouldn't cover anything.
> 
> I WANT to be self sufficient, I don't know how though. I'm terrified.


No need to be terrified. I have read of stay-at-home Moms selling on ebay, writing books, doing accounting or other things from home. How about opening up your home as a day care? While you are home, watching other children as well for pay, at least for a year or two to save money for a car. There are legitimate ways to stay home and earn money if you really want to go that route, it just takes a little imagination, some focus and a whole lot of incentive. 

As the old saying goes, where there is a will, there is a way.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Here's a solution: Get a hammer. Now every time you feel like texting him, smash one of your fingers with it. I guarantee that after the tenth time you won't feel like texting him.


Let's see how this would work...

If you smash all the fingers of one hand, then it would hard to use that hand to smash the fingers of your other hand.

Your husband probably wont want to smash your remaining fingers -- otherwise he'll have to do all the house chores.

Dont ask the kids; they're probably too young and you could scar them for life.

What if you smash alternate fingers of each hand? That would leave you with at least one finger left to grip the hammer. You could still type with that finger.

I give up. It's too hard to figure this out. Maybe it's better to let the fingers be.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your perception of the quality of your marraige is driven by your reality, your reality is anything but real. 

The world you live in is centered around a fantasy you've built in your own head. This entire construct is designed to compell you to satisfy an addiction. You are addicted to the 'idea' of him, because this idea releases a chemical in your brain. Your brain will shift all focus and motivate all behaviors to satisfying this addiction. 

It is not real. The state of your marriage, the imaginary 'soulmate' qualities you see in this other man and all of the fault you focus on and exagerate in your husband, all driven by dopamine, PEA and other naturally occuring chemicals in your brain. 

You describe your marriage and your husband in the light you see him in now, then others say... "oh that marraige is bad, your husband is mistreating you"... that relieves the guilt associated with your desire to communicate with OM and enables you to escalate your relationship with him (and that satifies the 'craving', the addiction).... all a big circle, all designed for one purpose..... MUST GET MORE FEEL GOOD.

Just like any drug addict chasing the high. It will end, disasterously. It will come crashing down and it will be brutal, your going to destroy a lot of lives chasing this dream.

Enjoy the ride, when its over there will be a horrible price to pay.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> It sounds like you need a plan to move forward. You are terrified to do so, and messaging your ex is an escape that helps you forget your immediate problems.
> 
> Whenever you start to plan a life without your husband, you probably feel your anxiety level shooting through the roof.
> 
> ...





Jellybeans said:


> You don't know how to leave? Seriously? You leave by packing things up and walking out the door. The same way everyone else does it.


Where am I supposed to go? I don't have family or friends to stay with?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are a cheater who is currently living in the fog.

I read your other threads and wow, they are all nothing but you creating excuses about how awful your husband is to you. So you can justify having an affair. You are already doing via text, and soon you will convince yourself you deserve taking it physical.

I haven't seen one post from you about fixing your marriage, or being a better wife. Everything is you seeking justification to cheat.

You say you're horny. But instead of sex with your husband, to complain he is bad in bed. Then talk to him an show him what gets you off. Teach him. But you aren't trying, because you really just want to justify why it's ok for you to cheat on a guy who's been loyal and faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> If I were to get a job..since I haven't worked in 7 years, I would not be able to get a job that would cover childcare. My husband doesn't make much money either so child support/alimony wouldn't cover anything.
> 
> I WANT to be self sufficient, I don't know how though. I'm terrified.


Terrified of what? All you keep doling out are excuses--of why you haven't left, of why the husband's so terrible, of why you can't stay away from the ex. It's not cool. You have zero personal responsibility/accountability. 

If you want it bad enough (to leave and get a divorce), then you will find a way to do it. Right now it seems you just keep the husband around til you get your master plan ready. To me, that is using someone. It's wrong. Totally wrong.

Excuses are silly at your age. Don't you think? 



survivorwife said:


> As the old saying goes, where there is a will, there is a way.


Took the words out of my mouth. High five.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

aug said:


> Let's see how this would work...
> 
> If you smash all the fingers of one hand, then it would hard to use that hand to smash the fingers of your other hand.
> 
> ...


You're assuming that she's not smashing the same finger over and over. :rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> Where am I supposed to go? I don't have family or friends to stay with?


Oh, brother. Really? Yes, that is me being sarcastic. The solution is simple: get a job, save money, divorce. (Doesn't have to be in that order). Stop stringing husband along. Tell him you don't want to be married anymore. It's not hard. It's not fair of you to be cheating on him with a man he hates and keeping up appearances w/in your marriage while saying you've been wanting out for 5/6 years (holy sh!t, that is a long time). Do you thi nk your husband would feel good if he knew that you've wanted out 5/6 years now? That you've maintained contact with your ex the entire time you've been married? Stop having an affair with your ex boyfriend who is now married and a new father.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> Where am I supposed to go? I don't have family or friends to stay with?


So what's your plan? To boot the Ex's wife and child to be with him? You seem to have a "can't" attitude. If you assume that nothing will be handed to you (which it probably won't) then you need to work on your Plan B. Become self-supporting.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> If I were to get a job..since I haven't worked in 7 years, I would not be able to get a job that would cover childcare. My husband doesn't make much money either so child support/alimony wouldn't cover anything.
> 
> I WANT to be self sufficient, I don't know how though. I'm terrified.


Try online college courses. You can get an education that way, and get a job. And, while doing that..get a part time job, at least. Or watch kids in your home. The possibilities are endless.



PurpleTurtle80 said:


> Where am I supposed to go? I don't have family or friends to stay with?


You have NO family... NO FRIENDS whatsoever?? None? Zero? I find that hard to believe.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Try online college courses. You can get an education that way, and get a job. And, while doing that..get a part time job, at least. Or watch kids in your home. The possibilities are endless.
> 
> *I'm currently a night student.*
> 
> You have NO family... NO FRIENDS whatsoever?? None? Zero? I find that hard to believe.


I do have family, but no one that would be willing to help me out. We just aren't close. and no, i don't have any friends.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Assuming for a minute that you are in the U.S., there are countless back to work programs for women with children. Since your husband is disabled, you can probably qualify for one of these programs. They'll not only teach you work skills but they will also assist you in your job search. There's also a good chance that you can develop friendships with other women taking those programs. Check for them online.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You are a cheater who is currently living in the fog.
> 
> I read your other threads and wow, they are all nothing but you creating excuses about how awful your husband is to you. So you can justify having an affair. You are already doing via text, and soon you will convince yourself you deserve taking it physical.
> 
> ...


You can't fix a marriage with 3 people in it.

Your husband is not a mind reader.

Maybe he is a total jerk. Or maybe, somewhere along the way, that is the story you told yourself to justify cheating on him with your ex in an emotional affair. Maybe it's easier to blame him for the place you find yourself in life, than to blame yourself.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You're in the US right? Most states have assistance with child care for low income people. It's cheaper than them having to pay welfare. 
If you really want to leave you need to think about what kind of a person you want your kids to see. Do you want them to see you as a strong woman? 
There are lots of resources in every county for legal aid, women's shelters, housing assistance, child care, job training, etc. are you sure that you just don't want to face being alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If your OM has been in your marriage the entire time you've been married, then your entire marriage has been a LIE. That's right, a lie. You only married your BH so you could piss off your ex (OM). How would your husband feel knowing the whole marriage has been a lie from the get go? 

Not one post from you about any guilt, or your BHs feelings, only about how he's such a sh!tty husband. Its all about you demonizing him to justify your affair. This is typical cheater rationalization.

Divorce your BH as soon as possible so that he can find a woman who deserves his love. And don't think that your OM is suddenly going to drop his wife and kid for you. You're going to be left all alone. 

Or you can do the grown up thing, let the past be the past and start working on your own marriage instead of trying to sabotage it at every opportunity. Confess to your BH what you've been doing (cheating). He deserves to know that he was only the back up plan to piss off your ex.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

So he's basically your meal ticket, AND you resent him for it. Twisted logic any?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No matter what you stop your EA, and go immediate NC----then you decide what you wanna do

Your H., cannot prevent you from a D.---all he can do is contest it----Have you filed any paperwork---or are you just in the talking stages.

He may not be doing anything cuz, at this point he knows you arn't going anywhere-----so bide your time, start working, build up a nestegg---and even if it takes 2 or 3 yrs, prepare for whatever you wanna do

But 1st and formost---STOP THIS EA AND GO NC.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Purple remember the grass is not always greenier on the otherside, Your Ex is a ex for a reason if this was not true then they would not be an ex the grass is greenier where you water it 

I would suggest you getting honest with your current about your ea and then yall decide what you want to do either R or D 

Good Luck


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

jnj express said:


> He may not be doing anything cuz, at this point he knows you arn't going anywhere-----so bide your time, start working, build up a nestegg---and even if it takes 2 or 3 yrs, prepare for whatever you wanna do


She's getting a degree on his dime. Yes, I said on his dime, because they are not equal partners in the marriage: she is a leech who resents her host.

She's been doing it for 7 (seven) years, she had plenty of time to get her act together. She says she is trapped, but in reality she is just too lazy to get off her butt and find a job.

It's not some dramatic circumstances preventing her from leaving, but her cake-eater attitude.


----------



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

The student loans are in my name. He is not passing for my education.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> The student loans are in my name. He is not passing for my education.


Actually, he is paying for your education. Does your student loan pay for rent? Food? Utilities? Clothing? Day to day necessities?

If you were on your own, you would have to pay for these yourself. You are benefiting financially from your marriage to a man that you do not love.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually, he is paying for your education. Does your student loan pay for rent? Food? Utilities? Clothing? Day to day necessities?
> 
> If you were on your own, you would have to pay for these yourself. You are benefiting financially from your marriage to a man that you do not love.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I was thinking the same thing. See, I got my student loans in my name, but my parents still paid for my education. They paid the gas money for my car to get from home to school. They paid for the extra foods/snacks I had in the dorm room. They paid for my clothes, my supplies, laundry soap, etc. Shall I go on?


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

I don't know why you guys are trying to convince OP that what she is doing in unethical, disrespectful, harsh and downright dbagish.

It is pretty obvious that she feels entitled to the princess lifestyle, and once her educational needs have been met she will cast her supportive H aside for the greener grass of what she so obviously deserves.

Sure she might feel bad... but those feelings will only last about 12 minutes and then she will go about her day.

What are 12 minutes in the grand scheme of her happiness?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Stick with the therapy to find out why you like to shoot yourself in the foot when things would otherwise be going good for you. Some people drink, some people spend money, some people get addicted to online games, some people start silly arguments, some people join cults or go all out on some fad to the detriment of their work life or marriage...anything that will tip the apple cart serves the purpose. It all boils down to feeling uncomfortable with the status quo, even when the status quo was your ultimate dream. Even if you stop the sexting by willpower, you will still need to deal with self-destructive tendencies. Get therapy more often. Get more active about it, don't expect to be rescued, expect instead to be pulling up your big girl panties and making better decisions for yourself, whether you like it or not.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

This is one of those threads thyat really piss me off. All of you a**hats talking about smashing fingers and other stupid sh*t, should leave, you are doing nobody any good, and acting like smarta** cyberpunks. ...... PT, you need to grow up. Stop whining and crying and at least try to become an adult. Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to say, "I do". If you had unresolved issues with your ex, WHY THE F**K DID YOU MARRY YOUR HUSBAND? You obviously have access to a computer, so you can look up any number of websites that will help you get a job, find housing, child care, and even loans to pay for a car, or will GIVE you a car. You have no excuses at all , for sitting around on your a** doing nothing. If your therapist is telling you any different, you need to get a new therapist. Get off of this site and go to work, finding the help you need. It isn't here, but it's out there and it's waiting,all you have to do is begin to type.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

BTW, if you think your ex is going to leave his wife and new baby for a selfish person like you, then you need to change this idea first and foremost.


----------



## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Just a note, I'm also in school, and even though I don't have children, the community college I attend has a great day care program for parents with children that are going back to school. Most community colleges have this space because they know people attending school are not usually wealthy. That's something I would check in to. 

I can understand being terrified of being alone. When you've been with someone you feel secure. They'll mow the lawn, fix the toilet, take out the trash, kill the bugs, but you have to become stronger. Even if you don't get a divorce, you have to learn to be more independent in order to better your life, IMO.

That said, I also think you should leave your husband and let him move on. Both of you should have someone that loves you and not someone else.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I see a therapist every other week. She knows about my ex. I would never be able to see my ex as we only have one vehicle, so I honestly don't think anything would happen. If he lived in the same town or the next town over...that would be a different story.
> 
> I know I'm heading down a slippery slope. I'm trying to get help.


This happened with my wife and I.

Sadly the former boy friend did come back to town, she did have an affair.

I felt devastated.

We are still together and it is 15+ years on but it took time for things to heal.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Stop cheating. If you want to chase your ex, then divorce your husband first. The only reason you think he's the one that got away is because you're not thinking clearly. Please grow up.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

moxy said:


> Stop cheating. If you want to chase your ex, then divorce your husband first. The only reason you think he's the one that got away is because you're not thinking clearly. Please grow up.


But the ex is married now.....


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Think of it this way. He is obviously trying to cheat as well. You both are screwing up. At this point you don't know if he has cheated on his wife and you are the next flavor of the week. You obviously need to send him a NC letter and you need to tell your husband what's going on. 
He will not like it but he will appreciate the fact that you cut all ties of your own volition. If you can't do that then you need to tell you H now. Stop toying with this situation. It is not hard to not pick up a phone. It is not hard to not talk to this guy and call your husband. Stop making irrational decisions and justifying them by saying it is hard to let go. No it is not hard to let go. It did not work out the first time. You found someone you love and moved on.


----------

