# Married but lonely



## Tired of being alone (Aug 23, 2010)

This is really a long story, 35yrs in the making. But I will try to shorten it. My wife and I met in high school and have been together ever since. I am 54 she is 53. Two grown children both out of the house. About 12 yrs ago my wife had an affair. The kids were about 11 and 14 then. She tried and to some extent succeded in turning my son agaisn't me. But my daughter stood by my side. For that I always felt a special bond between us. Eventually we worked things out and resumed our lives. But the damage was done. I feel as though I could never trust her again, but I do try to.

My son and I have had a rocky relationship ever since I could remember, even before the affair thing. No matter what i tried it just didn't work between us. We went riding dirtbikes together a lot. I took him to every outing he needed to be at and gave him my total support. ie: little leauge, karate,soccor, riding, taught him to drive, ride a motorcycle, throw a ball, etc. His mother supported all of this,but never really went to anything. But guess who he bonded with?.....When he was really little and would get sick like kids do. I was the one who would stay up all nite with him. And then go to work the next day, isn't that what a father should do?...But anyway now that he has moved out he realizes how he has treated me the last few years, and even came over to apologize. telling me that he always wanted a great relationship between us. But that his mother lied to him for a lot of years about me and my feelings toward him. I figuired finally I have been vindicated after all this time. And now we will have a great relationship...long story short, never hear from him.

Now for my daughter, What can I say, about 10 years ago we found out that she was getting into the wrong crowd and doing drugs. This has been a living nightmare for 10 yrs. now. We took her for help and counselling. it didn't help. She used to cut herself, she would run away, she had the house robbed twice, she would steal money from us. She got fired from many jobs for stealing. She ran away to Florida one time in my car, and I got all the tickets in the mail for her driving through all the toll booths without paying. I sent her to jail on my 50th birthday, because she stole a check out of the check book and trid to cash it for $3,000.00.....And even after all that and believe me a lot more. We took her back in when she had a baby. We grew to love that little guy. but she got back into drugs and gave custody to Dyfus. So now I will never see my grandson again.

Now for my wife, after the affair, she told me that one of the reasons was that I was controlling and never shared with her my feelings and that's why she did it. I vowed to change and I did. I tried to include her in every thing. I would ask her where she wanted to go on vacation. Her answer, " I don't know", I ask her what she wants to do on the weekends, " I don't know". I tell her that we should eat out more often, because she gets home from work so late. And I feel bad about her running around making dinner. She never say's let's go out tonite......I have "shared my feelings" plenty of times. About how I would love for her to take over the reins once in a while. And plan a weekend for us or a nite out. She never does, and I mean never..... I " share my feelings" of how lonely I feel. Her answer is "tell me how to help".....So now I have to tell her how to help!!!!...My God! I have told her what I want and need. But it just falls on deaf ears......They say you can't depend on others for your happiness....But then what the hell is marriage suppose to be about if not supporting one another....I have told her plenty of times, that I am lonely and bored. And after 35yrs of being together I am out of idea's. I'm tired of being the one who has to think of everything.... I have to try and come up with something for us to do. I have to put together the get-aways, the vactions, the weekends, the every day living. I have begged her to come up with some idea's and I get nothing.

We have no friends, and the one's that we use to have, were all of my friends, but they have either moved away, or passed on. So all we have is each other......I would think that after what we have been through. She would want to get out and enjoy life. but if I don't think of it, they we don't do it.......

I need and want a partner....not a passenger....

Tired of being alone.....


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

I've been married 29 years and something I have learned along the way is that there is always two sides to any situation. 

You've been married 35 years and through these years, you've had to face a lot of pain and heartbreak. The circumstances you've written about here can have the potential to destroy a relationship if you or your wife have never sought professional help. Affairs, a drug addicted daughter, a son who was used as some sort of pawn and is now distant, a bitter wife who seems to be harboring some sort of grudge toward you...these are very serious issues that most people can not overcome on their own. 

If you are going to try to change your life, I would urge you to go to a good marriage counselor. It sounds like you've been trying to fix things yourself but, sometimes, you simply can't. You can't make someone else act or feel how you wish they would. The only thing you can do is accept the fact that you can't change others just by changing yourself and now that you've tried that method and it has failed, admit the fact that you need more help than opinions of others.

Another thing you might consider is a good psychologist. NOT that you are 'sick' but, psychologists help you work through issues that have become too large to handle. They can help you sort out what is going on in your life and why and point you in a direction that you never knew existed. I have seen a psychologist and believe me when I say that it was one of the best things I ever did when some of my own issues become huge and seemingly impossible.

I truly wish you well and hope that you reach out to somebody equipped to handle these types of severe issues you are facing.


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## Tired of being alone (Aug 23, 2010)

Thank you and I know that you are right. I have thought of going for help many times. But I'm not one for airing my dirty laundry. On a web site is one thing. face to face is something else....I not only think, but know that I am afraid of losing her. because then I would really be alone. Even my own son ask me, why am I still there?...The true answer is, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. As bad as it is, atleast it's something. I know in my heart that if I could meet someone else, I would enjoy life again. And going to a doctor is not going to change her. It will just teach me how to accept it.....I want out...I have paid my dues, and my wife agree's that I deserve better. And that I deserve to be happy. But she has always been a taker not a giver. And I feel that she is not even willing to try and make me happy. I know what I need to do, but just afraid to pull the trigger. Which makes me question, what kind of a man am I. to continue with this farce of a marriage.....I really do wish I could meet someone else......But if I just leave without someone else to be with. Then I will really be lonely....And that quite frankly scares the hell out of me....


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

First of all, NO more 'trigger' talk. You are depressed. This is treatable. Trust me on that!

Secondly, you are right that outside help won't 'make' your wife change. It will also not simply help you "accept it". A good psychologist will help you sort through your feelings, your need to have another person to make you happy, your family and life circumstances...they help you clarify your own thoughts.

It is not healthy to NEED another person to make you happy. I want you to know this. A much healthier situation is that a person learns how to make themselves happy and includes others into their life.

You seem very thoughtful and willing to try a different step...why not try a psychologist or even a medical doctor for your depression? When you go, remember that you are going for only yourself...not for anybody else. People are always telling women..."you need some 'me time'" Well, men do as well.


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## toppi (Oct 3, 2010)

54 is not that old especially for a man. Why not try something different for yourself, join a few classses, learn something new, learn a new language then plan a vacation, not to meet someone new just out of interest, maybe you are both around each other too much and need some new interests. Don't depend on your wife so much for company. I don't want to sound trite but the way to deal with lonliness is to interact with other people. I struggle with lonliness myself my husband is often away and when he is around he is disinterested. we also have a lot of strain s because our son is very difficult and it has driven a wedge between us.I have started to join different groups and have learned by observing other couples that it is healthy to have interests and friends outside the marriage.Also in lots of relationships it is usually one that is more of an organiser and an instigator than the other. It seems that there is a lot of built up tension and resentment between you both if you could make your self a bit happier, then maybe you could try and tackle these issues with your wife and be prepared to listen her. good luck


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

I can see what frustrates you and what you have tried. I can see that you have tried very hard and you understandably feel like you have little left to give. Often when we feel like we have tried hard, we are giving something that we would like to receive, but not something that they would like to receive. 
Think about what drew you together, what do you remember of the good times (recent and past), what excites your wife, what is she good at, what types of things does she organise if not vacations etc, what did she organise when you are first together, what are your wife's good qualities, what do you admire in her, what do you want to see more in her? I can hear that you are alone and struggling, but there must be good things in your wife to keep you there. And you have tried pushing her into action and that hasn't worked. You need to try another angle. What is she passionate about, what does she like to spend her time doing? Get interested in her, ask her lots of questions, find her passion and spark and once you have found that, work out something you can do together to ignite it. It sounds like you need a new baseline to build on together.


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