# On the other end (the cheater)



## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

Unlike most of you on here, I am the one that cheated. My husband and I had been separated on and off for 3-4 months and we had filed for divorce about 2 weeks before the affair. We were separated because he was very self centered and only thought about himself. I brought 6 children into the relationship and he has 3. He lied about financial things before we were married (he owes $40,000 in back child support and owes the IRS). He is a musician and wanted to use his money to go to the recording studio or shoot music videos. I had a problem with this because I was having to use my money to not only take care of my children but his as well. I approached him many times telling him we needed to make changes but he had no problem when I was the one writing the rent check every month. He was also bringing his kids over every weekend and sleeping all day leaving me to take care of all 9 children alone. All of this led to a lot of resentment and eventually to our separation. During our separation, I began talking to the father of my children who lives about 1500 miles away because he is military. He became my go to person when I needed someone to complain to. To make a long story short, when he came to visit his children for Christmas, we slept together. My husband and I had filed for divorce but were thinking we maybe had made the wrong decision. So, I told my husband what happened and he of course, was very angry. He told me he wants to work things out but he said he will never step foot in our house again(because its where the affair happened). He said if we were to work things out, I would have to break a lease that is in my name only and get a new place with him. I don't want to be sued by the homeowners but I also want to make my marriage work. Any advice? We are set to begin marriage counseling this week.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Question. Why do you now want to make your marriage work? What changed?


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

After going to a few counseling sessions myself, I have learned that the things that he had done are not things that can't be fixed. He said that he would make these changes and a lot of our problems was us not communicating with one another very well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, rather than feed his children, your children and you, he would rather spend money (that he doesn't really have, what with back child support and all) on making music videos?

See, to my mind, that is him cheating on you, but with an idea (his music) rather than an other person.

You sure you want to get back with him?

Why'd you split with your first husband, if you don't mid me asking? Could you and he reconcile?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Not gonna discuss the sexual infidelity for now, although that is an issue that is huge. 

Your issues with H were not petty issues. Since your H won't set foot in the house, it's unlikely he is going to be in a reconciliation mood. You both should stay apart for a few months until you address your issues with counseling. 

The last thing your kids need at this time is more upheaval and arguing which is almost a guarantee if things aren't resolved before getting back together.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

mrscaldwell said:


> After going to a few counseling sessions myself, I have learned that the things that he had done are not things that can't be fixed. He said that he would make these changes and a lot of our problems was us not communicating with one another very well.


He need s to make the changes before you break your lease and before you commit to getting back together with him.

Sounds like he has the Peter Pan way of looking at things. 

Actions mean everything, at this point words mena nothing from him.

Did he date while you were divorcing?


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So, rather than feed his children, your children and you, he would rather spend money (that he doesn't really have, what with back child support and all) on making music videos?
> 
> See, to my mind, that is him cheating on you, but with an idea (his music) rather than an other person.
> 
> ...


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

chapparal said:


> He need s to make the changes before you break your lease and before you commit to getting back together with him.
> 
> Sounds like he has the Peter Pan way of looking at things.
> 
> ...


No, he was loyal. Our divorce isn't final yet but it has been filed


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why don't you let the divorce go through or put it oh hold and remain separated for at least 6 months. He will still be in your life to some extent. You will have time to contemplate what is important, what you want for yourself and your kids. During this time you can work on yourself. Improve yourself in all aspects of being a good, humble, and decent woman. 

Your husband will have the opportunity to see what he is missing. He can work on himself too. 

You can have date nights with him and see how things go.


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

We are trying the date nights for now. Another major issue we have is the phone calls that are made to and from my phone to my children's father. He wants phone records to prove that we aren't talking but the children call him and he calls them. I suggested a prepaid phone for those calls but until I do that, there are always going to be phone calls to and from him. How do I reassure him we aren't talking?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The phone calls. 

The infidelity was bad no matter what. But it was with someone who is going to be on the fringes of your life for a long, long time. That relationships just isn't going to go away anytime soon. 

It's going to be that scab that doesn't heal. Every time you have an argument it's going to be brought up. 

What happens when your xH drops by unexpectedly to drop off a gift for one of his kids? Do you tell your husband? Of course you have to. And if you both are in a rough spot that day the volcano will blow. 

That's why you both need to cool off for a very long time. Don't be ready to jump back into this. I presume his 3 kids are with him? And not with you? 

If so, that could be one motivator for him to get back with you. That's not a good reason. Continue your IC. 

Write down a list of potential problems that could trigger your husband's ire. Show them to your husband but don't discuss them with him. Ask him to add questions and then seek couples counseling with a counselor who has experience with infidelity. 

Apologize to your husband. *YES AGAIN & AGAIN* tell him how you plan to prevent unfaithfulness. 

Look at the newbie thread at the top of the board - there you will find suggestions on what you can do to reassure him and express your remorse.


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

The things that make him angry are the phone calls (which are still happening because I haven't got them a phone yet) and the thought of coming into our house, where the affair took place. I guess we should take things really slow. We don't live together now but he has been pushing for me to break the lease and move into a place with him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank him for that. Reassure him you will remain faithful but remind him that the children have a right to speak to their father. Ask him for suggestions in addressing this. 

Moving back is attractive but it's like a very sick patient wanting to get back to work because they've taken a few aspirins. It will be a bad outcome. 

You didn't say where his kids are staying.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't get how it's morally cheating if you had filed for divorce and were separated? I know technically you were still married but to me once those papers are filed all expectations of fidelity go out the window. 
I see this as being extremely difficult. You are going to have events for your children that your ex is going to attend. There will always be a school play, soccer game, graduation, Xmas, recital that both of you want to go to. Your h can't ask you to not go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mrscaldwell said:


> He is a musician and wanted to use his money to go to the recording studio or shoot music videos.


How old is your husband? Most people record at home these days and music videos that use professional crew are usually orchestrated by the record company and the band pays it back out their royalty. Who is he signed with? Isn't he on the road a lot?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I don't get how it's morally cheating if you had filed for divorce and were separated? I know technically you were still married but to me once those papers are filed all expectations of fidelity go out the window.


It's adultery...period. Until that divorce is signed by a judge and filed, they are still married. This is no gray area.

No, it's black and white.


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Thank him for that. Reassure him you will remain faithful but remind him that the children have a right to speak to their father. Ask him for suggestions in addressing this.
> 
> Moving back is attractive but it's like a very sick patient wanting to get back to work because they've taken a few aspirins. It will be a bad outcome.
> 
> You didn't say where his kids are staying.


They live with their mom and visit him only on the weekends. I haven't seen them since we separated.


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## mrscaldwell (Jan 6, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> How old is your husband? Most people record at home these days and music videos that use professional crew are usually orchestrated by the record company and the band pays it back out their royalty. Who is he signed with? Isn't he on the road a lot?


He is 49 and I am 33. He isn't signed with anyone. This is his hobby, he has a full time job. No, he doesn't travel.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The main issues still remain no? Huge debt, etc. Now that there's this issue it's not going to go well - maybe for a few days, but not for long. 

Have talks with him about how he'll have to deal with your xH being in contact. Ask him how he's going to deal with it. Ask him how he wants you to deal with it. 

There are many issues. Address them at couples counseling


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mrscaldwell said:


> He is 49 and I am 33. He isn't signed with anyone. This is his hobby, he has a full time job. No, he doesn't travel.


I gave it up back in 83. I still play, but I don't spend any money on it other than for guitar strings and an occasional tube. If I got back into the business, that is to say making actual $$$$$, then I mind spend a little. Beat that concept into your husband's skull.


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