# Anyone here with a spouse diagnosed with borderline personality disorder?



## Hope12345 (Jul 21, 2014)

My spouse has had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. When full disclosure came, it was obvious something was wrong. The pattern did not fit your typical affair (multiple overlapping affairs, no emotional involvement, seemingly happy in marriage with no intent to leave it, significant lack of empathy, and almost a compulsive behavior pattern).

Spouse has been seeing psych for years but blowing smoke the entire time. Only this past week did spouse go in and tell psych everything that has been going on in their life over the last decade. Psych, given what they know now, believes it to be borderline personality disorder. Much of what I read fits, right down to the poor relationship skills, risky sexual behavior, and tendency to latch on to those affair partners who are specifically emotionally unavailable. 

Spouse tells me they are ready to come clean and address their issues in individual therapy, and our struggle in couples therapy. My concern is the work being done to treat the BPD does not appear to really address the affairs, at least not directly, and is focused just on my spouse. To me, it feels like I am living with a heroin addict who is being treated for everything but the addiction. What is being done to prevent the need for risky sex? We both agree promises are meaningless.

Anyone deal with this type of infidelity and be able to reconcile? I want to stand by them because I meant what I said.......in sickness and in health.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

There have been several posters on here who have had to deal with a BPD WS.

Nearly all were serial cheaters who gave no indication that the patterns would ever be broken.

The general consensus is that their is no reconciling with a serial cheating BPD spouse.

The BS has to file for D and run to save themselves.

Are there children involved in your M?

If there are you will need to fight hard to get full custody if possible in order to shield them as much as possible.

In most states, this can be a very difficult task if you are a male.

Other posters may remember the names of the posters who have had to deal with this issue and be able to point you to the appropriate threads.

lol...unfortunately, I am drawing a mind blank on remembering poster names, though I know there are several threads.

If you are a guy, there are many long time posters who can probably help you with details on how to maximize your chances of winning full custody as well.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There have been quite a few cases invoving bpd here. Try using google, search talkaboutmarriage, bpd if TAM site search doesn't turn up anything.

One poster, pidge, is bpd and is reconciling with her husband. Pm her, she is usually open to helping others.

Read everything you can about the condition.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Hope.

In my experience persons with BPD need to accept they have a personality disorder and work on themselves to fix it. Otherwise, everything will just be a patch on a gaping wound. Things might get better for a while but then they will get worse again. It's just a matter of time.

Do you think your spouse will accept the fact that he has BPD? And be willing to fix his issues by working with counselors? There are no pharmaceutical treatments, really. Just behavior modification.

If the answer is no, then I don't think your marriage has much hope.

Best,
FH


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Is your wife on meds for this? Many psych meds can cause "loss of ability to inhibit oneself". 

My normally good husband was put on a strong SSRI (anti-depressant) for anxiety about 8 yrs ago, and it pretty much turned him into an alcoholic (can cause alcohol cravings) who flirted MUCH more than normal. He didn't see anything wrong with it at that time either. He sent inappropriate emails to former female coworkers (I'm 99.9% sure he didn't have a PA, but there was 1 that I was sure was an EA at the time). Then (because of a med increase followed several months later by an abrupt decrease back to his normal level), he hit rock bottom with the drinking and weird moods before we linked all the turmoil of the last 8 years back to the start of this med. We immediately began a very slow withdrawal (it's taken 1 yr so far to get him down to 25% of his original dose by taking beads out of his capsules--about 5% per month). At 50% off he said he could feel a cloud lifting out of his brain and his thinking. Not long after, that he apologized profusely for those inappropriate emails because he could tell that it hadn't "been him"--he's not like that. Now at 75% off, he said he has such clarity in his thinking now. He can't believe the med could cause such a change in his thinking / processing / behavior. 

I've read about everything I can on SSRI withdrawal, and many times people who are weaned off them too quickly end up with more problems than they originally had. Some are diagnosed as BP and quickly put on yet other meds (when in actuality, they're just suffering from a too fast withdrawal as well as protracted withdrawal syndrome--this is the reason we're going UBER slow in his w/d. He'd just started a new, high-profile position when he started w/d, and he can't afford to screw up his brain any more than it already is. It might be another year before we get him off that last 25% because he's reporting quite a bit of "emotional" difficulties (feeling "exposed" and raw, hyper-sensitivity, increased anxiety). Personally, I can see something which I'd call (mild) manic episodes--so I definitely see how these meds can screw up a person.

I'd definitely take a look at her meds and the timing of them with her affairs.

Good luck!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Look for posts by Uptown. Ceegee already posted a link to a valuable thread.

One of the best selling books to help with BPD is Stop Walking on Eggshells:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger: 9781572246904: Amazon.com: Books

BPD traits are difficult to tolerate. You dedication is admirable, but it might be misplaced. Your sanity might be lost as you try to logically deal with a BPD spouse. Most of the readers of BPD books and resources are caregivers/family/spouses of the BPD person. 

It feels like YOU are the crazy one until you begin to understand and realize it is a situation you are in.

Glad you are receiving professional help.


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## Hope12345 (Jul 21, 2014)

Spouse does accept they have BPD. They always knew something was wrong but only after all the affairs came to light recently were they willing to tell their therapist everything and allow a diagnosis to be more clear. Spouse is willing to make treatment a priority, not only for the marriage but also for themselves. I am just concerned it won't be enough to stop the behavior. Been reading a lot of forums related to this disorder and many state, first hand, that they have not been able to stop cheating, even with therapy. Struggling to hold on to hope here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is there a reason you're so vague about your spouse's gender? You may get more specific advice if we know if it's a man or woman.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

wilson said:


> Is there a reason you're so vague about your spouse's gender? You may get more specific advice if we know if it's a man or woman.


:iagree:

Your posts sound very timid in tone. I am wondering if you are having fear about being discovered. Walking on eggshells?

Send a post message if you are afraid to talk openly.

It seems most of us open up as we gain trust. Keep posting, and you will build some confidence in the idea.

The BPD spouse working to improve may make some progress. It is a "core" problem from early childhood. It is VERY difficult to make big changes. If your spouse is admitting it, and seeking professional help, I would think your situation is better than most.

Or, your WS is playing the game to keep you hooked. Their motives are not as pure as they let on. 

My fear for you is that a "diagnosis" becomes an "excuse."

The disorder is not a permission slip to betray. 

Multiple affairs? My exWW had at least two (PA and at least EA with two men). It eventually eroded my emotional well being to the point I was not the man I use to be.

Your marriage and confidence has been destroyed. Trust no longer exists. Eventually you need to look into the mirror and ask yourself why you want to go down with this ship.

Honor is not always achieved by sacrificing your life. My concern is for you, not your BPD spouse.

Hang tough and keep learning until you feel capable of doing what is best for you and your family.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Hope12345 said:


> My spouse has had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. When full disclosure came, it was obvious something was wrong. The pattern did not fit your typical affair (multiple overlapping affairs, no emotional involvement, seemingly happy in marriage with no intent to leave it, significant lack of empathy, and almost a compulsive behavior pattern).
> 
> Spouse has been seeing psych for years but blowing smoke the entire time. Only this past week did spouse go in and tell psych everything that has been going on in their life over the last decade. Psych, given what they know now, believes it to be borderline personality disorder. Much of what I read fits, right down to the poor relationship skills, risky sexual behavior, and tendency to latch on to those affair partners who are specifically emotionally unavailable.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry Hope, from my experience, and my almost XW's eventual admission, that "she would never be able to change". I finally clued into what a person with BPD can do to another. The odds are very very much against you. The sooner you start divorce proceedings the better. After 24 years of marriage, 2.5 years ago my almost XW moved out, I filed. It has not been easy, but Im personally much happier and contented. As said before, any continued self sacrifice on your part will not make your marriage, or, your wife better. After you divorce her, and have spent some time away, you will see what I mean. Your emotional well being will return.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Hope12345 said:


> Spouse does accept they have BPD. They always knew something was wrong but only after all the affairs came to light recently were they willing to tell their therapist everything and allow a diagnosis to be more clear. Spouse is willing to make treatment a priority, not only for the marriage but also for themselves. I am just concerned it won't be enough to stop the behavior. Been reading a lot of forums related to this disorder and many state, first hand, that they have not been able to stop cheating, even with therapy. Struggling to hold on to hope here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The best and really only true way to deal with BPD is something called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. My former gf has it and found it too much to do, hence former gf. Uptown and Myself can tell you a tremendous amount about BPD.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Lots of times these type of people are anxiety-ridden, messed up, insecure people that refuse to acknowledge how incapable they are of handling their familial obligations. They default to some bombastic, self absorbed system where they feel they must control everything.

Then, anything that appears at odds with this must be wrong, and deserves no examination.

Its only when it all blows up in their face that they'll acknowledge a problem; and then its someone else's fault.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Forest said:


> Lots of times these type of people are anxiety-ridden, messed up, insecure people that refuse to acknowledge how incapable they are of handling their familial obligations. They default to some bombastic, self absorbed system where they feel they must control everything.
> 
> Then, anything that appears at odds with this must be wrong, and deserves no examination.
> 
> *Its only when it all blows up in their face that they'll acknowledge a problem; and then its someone else's fault*.


I agree with most of what you said, but the bolded, not so much. Wasn't true in my case.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Tabitha said:


> Is your wife on meds for this? Many psych meds can cause "loss of ability to inhibit oneself".
> 
> My normally good husband was put on a strong SSRI (anti-depressant) for anxiety about 8 yrs ago, and it pretty much turned him into an alcoholic (can cause alcohol cravings) who flirted MUCH more than normal. He didn't see anything wrong with it at that time either. He sent inappropriate emails to former female coworkers (I'm 99.9% sure he didn't have a PA, but there was 1 that I was sure was an EA at the time). Then (because of a med increase followed several months later by an abrupt decrease back to his normal level), he hit rock bottom with the drinking and weird moods before we linked all the turmoil of the last 8 years back to the start of this med. We immediately began a very slow withdrawal (it's taken 1 yr so far to get him down to 25% of his original dose by taking beads out of his capsules--about 5% per month). At 50% off he said he could feel a cloud lifting out of his brain and his thinking. Not long after, that he apologized profusely for those inappropriate emails because he could tell that it hadn't "been him"--he's not like that. Now at 75% off, he said he has such clarity in his thinking now. He can't believe the med could cause such a change in his thinking / processing / behavior.
> 
> ...


BPD'ers are *NOT* generally treated with medication. BPD is not a chemical imbalance like Bipolar Disorder. Meds don't work. Well, except maybe sleeping pills. Can't be all batsh!t crazy if you're asleep.....


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

Hope,

Here are several remarks from someone whose ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD:

On these boards there is a separate section dealing with mental health issues. BPD is a very serious mental illness! As mentioned I enjoyed reading posts by Uptown although currently I mostly avoid reading about BPD. 

BPD is becoming more and more a PC issue. It means the pwBPD is somewhere between neurosis and psychosis. I vote that we keep the name.

There is also bpdfamily.com where obviously BPD is the only topic. There is no "success stories" section there! Actually in the whole wide world you will find very few people who are cured from BPD. The ones who claim that are cured are not in a relationship. pwBPD do not do relationships well. They will jump from one "host" to another and end up alone.

Beware of "recycling" in the context of BPD!

Affairs are just a side effect for your spouse not a core issue. Your spouse should be focusing on the core issues. I know you want the spouse to stop cheating. It will not happen until the core issues are addressed and they are huge! I do not think that the couples therapy is very helpful now for either one of you. Later maybe if you want to stay! In the meantime you have to ask yourself some hard questions: Why am I attracted to a mentally ill person and why do I take all this crap from my spouse. So you have some work to do just like all of us "nons".

I hear that DBT helps with low functioning BPD but not so much with high functioning BPDs that my ex was. 

After my divorce I am equipped with a BPD radar. I paid a lot for it! I recognize BPD women quickly and stay miles away from them.

I'd recommend to all those with serial cheater spouses to invest some time in reading about BPD and other personality disorders. Just in case ...

Once more: BPD is a serious mental illness that creates huge collateral damage. I think I gave you proper warnings. Good luck!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Our MC during a IC session concluded that my Wife has BPD or at least exhibits the same symptoms. I am currently dealing with her online EA or fallout thereafter only to me with extreme anger and entitlement. Moments of fun and even pleasure can be easily usurped by raw aggression and violence. 

Last night being an example, we talked for a bit, with a minor amount of alcohol introduced and began to, yet again, start the baseline for the healing process. We had sex and again later on in the night. After both of us had consumed more alcohol the white elephant appeared and all things went to hell in an instant. 

She made sure to inform me of her activities while I was at work, regarding self stimulation, after and perhaps during a phone call to him, and even let me know that she had "Just finished up" right before I got home.

She then proceeded to bombard me with all my past transgressions, engage in extreme self pity and even got physically violent with me. This is the mother of my children, and I alone am faced with the task of having to remove her from my home to shield our children from her behavior. Of course as I am sure this would only get worse. It always does.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Forest said:


> Lots of times these type of people are anxiety-ridden, messed up, insecure people that refuse to acknowledge how incapable they are of handling their familial obligations. They default to some bombastic, self absorbed system where they feel they must control everything.
> 
> Then, anything that appears at odds with this must be wrong, and deserves no examination.
> 
> *Its only when it all blows up in their face that they'll acknowledge a problem; and then its someone else's fault*.


I think most of us find the opposite - that window of opportunity of 'honesty' tends to last half a day at most then its someone else's fault more than ever !


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well as my 'name' here suggests 'Headspin' 

'Headspun' by living with a BPDer for 15 years. 

And the last two and a half separated still trying to disentangle myself from her as she still finds 'reasons' to hang on to me and not feel 'abandoned' (the main underlying fundamental reason why a BPDer is a BPDer)...even when she now has a 'life' with OM from two years ago !

I'm afraid you are about to enter a world of 'darkness' my friend. I'll not give you false hope because those cases are far and few between.

Get out and away whilst you still can because if you think your life 'might' get worse with a person like this, I and others can testify - can guarantee that it will 

There are threads in the mental health section that may help. 

You need to be armed for anything with BPD . Maybe the only positive thing I'll say about it is this - You probably have ended up thinking a lot of this is your fault 

It's not .........NONE of it, you'll realize that pretty soon. 

Genuinely the best of luck to you


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