# It's getting worse and I don't know what to do



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm sure you can see my past threads. But the short of it is that my husband and I are mid-30s and have been married about 6 years. We have a 5 year old girl and 18 month old boy. I work full-time as the "breadwinner" in the house and my husband is refusing to find work. This has been an area of contention for a couple years when he first got fired from a long-term job for being tardy. At that time, I was in school full-time and he was responsible for getting our daughter to daycare and himself to work on time. He was unable to do that and got fired. That left us in a significant bind as I had a full year of school left and was pregnant with our second child. Eventually, after lots of debt and him getting a brief contract job, I graduated and started working and making good money. The plan was for him to go back to work when the baby was no older than a year. He is now almost 19 months and my husband keeps reiterating, "You just want someone else to raise your kid."

The truth is he doesn't want to work! He cannot get our daughter to school on time; how irresponsible and embarrassing. Yes, she's challenging, but he's being completely irresponsible. He plays fantasy sports all day, including during dinner when he never looks up at the rest of his family. Although he is home all day, I still make every meal, pack my daughters lunch, do laundry, give baths, clean, etc. I am exhausted. When I watch him sit at the computer, staring intently at the screen without blinking, I just want to punch him. I don't get it. I know our marriage sucks and having kids is difficult. But his lack of maturity is just inexcusable.

I have spoken to a divorce lawyer who says it's better for him to get a job before I file. I hope to urge that along by depositing most of my paycheck in a separate account where he'll either have to 1) get a job to pay his bills or 2) borrow from his parents. But in the meantime, we have other issues:

My daughter is worrying me. She is now having night terrors most nights. She is exhibiting OCD tendencies. She is exhibiting sensory integration issues now. Getting her to get dressed without a tantrum is next to impossible. Her tantrums last for 30-45 minutes. She just keeps screaming, "I want to be comfortable and look nice!" She wakes up repeatedly at night saying her feet itch. We have tried everything for that to no avail (and I have spoken with her doctor). Her doctor is getting me the names of some good child psychologists as he said that her behavior might get worse with the divorce looming.

I know my daughter is distressed due to this living environment, but I don't know what to do. If I file now, I'm asking for trouble since my husband doesn't have a job. And there is a 6 month waiting period anyway. Plus I really don't have money for a retainer right now.

I am so frustrated with my husband that I just sometimes break down and cry. I can't imagine a man not stepping up for his family. It would be different if he enjoyed being home, but he doesn't. And he is not good at it (and neither am I...though I get my daughter to school on time for goodness sakes).

I am sorry for the rant; I'm just so upset that he is doing this. He knows how unhappy I am. I'm pretty sure his inaction is just another passive aggressive maenifestation of his personality.

I just don't know what to do at this point. With someone like this, does pre-filing mediation sound reasonable? I think he'd be open for negotiating most stuff. I'd like to pull the band-aid off so to speak. I've been told not to move out until it's finalized, which is 6 months later. Maybe if we approach it this way, he will see that he has to get a job? Or maybe he'll just keep living off of me while barely doing enough to get by.

I just want to pull my hair out.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I can't imagine not working for that long. I had about three hours of being laid off before I found my first part time job. I hate to hear about your daughter. We have noticed increased separation anxiety with our 4 year old since all our problems started. After the wife stayed away from home a few days it raised exponentially, she still asks if mommy is coming home each day. Seeing it effect the kids has really forced us to make some changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Kolors said:


> I can't imagine not working for that long. I had about three hours of being laid off before I found my first part time job. I hate to hear about your daughter. We have noticed increased separation anxiety with our 4 year old since all our problems started. After the wife stayed away from home a few days it raised exponentially, she still asks if mommy is coming home each day. Seeing it effect the kids has really forced us to make some changes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you and your wife were able to make some positive changes.

I, too, cannot imagine not working that long either. I know people will give me crap for my expectations, telling me my husband is probably depressed, etc. And it's not that I'm unfeeling. When I tell him to get off the computer and be present in the lives of his kids, he says, "What do I have other than my fantasy sports?" Well, maybe you'd have more if you picked yourself up, got a job, and truly helped out around the house...along with improving parenting skills. That's what I want to say.

My daughter keeps saying to him, "I don't like you, I want you to move out." It's sad to me because this leads me to feel a great amount of guilt. I am at work all day and I'm leaving the kids with this person who is not very involved in their lives. When I get home from work, he should have dinner done or at least prepped. He could make our daughter's lunch Nothing is done. In fact, if I call home and ask him to make a salad, he gives me such a hard time, I just give up (his intent, I'm sure).

Today, he sat on the computer for at least 3-4 hours, though he doesn't realize it's that long. It's maddening. And I cannot hide my contempt for this.

I'm sad that our marriage is over. I'm sad that my daughter is showing signs of distress and psychological issues. I never wanted a divorce, but I have checked out. The thought of him touching me in any way makes me cringe and feel sick. I have lost any respect for him because of the way he's acting. I know I can't say "Man up" because it's not PC. But that's how I feel. Not necessarily that it's a gender thing; more that he's not even putting forth effort. I'm just so angry and hurt. I am not the person I want to be at all. My energy is sapped from this toxic environment.

When I took my daughter to dance today, I spoke with one of the other moms and she wants me to talk to a couple who does counseling for other married couples. She says that I at least owe it to my kids to make a final attempt at reconciliation. But what if I just cannot see myself with this man in the future? Sometimes I'm just not sure how it got so bad. Not to mention the fact that he makes comments like, "I'm not going to drink after you; I don't know where you've been." To me, that is abusive and accusatory. I've been working, jerk! That's what I want to scream.

One of the ways I know this marriage is over is because it is all about how I feel about _this_ relationship. I don't need another man in my life to get me to consider divorce. I don't need to meet someone better; I just believe I'd be happier without him. I'm not even interested in dating anyone in the near future. I want to be with my kids in a positive environment. I want to see my friends and invite them over (something I'm not currently at liberty to do with him). 

I'm so sad about all this. But I feel like I have to pull off the bandaid before my daughter is irreparably damaged, if she isn't already. She loves me so much and when I think about how wonderful she is, I just cry. She is so challenging right now, but we will get through this. We are survivors. And my son is the sweetest little man I know. He loves his mommy so much. His wet kisses just make me melt. I'm just so sad I'm not with him more because I work. I hope one day I can forgive myself for this guilt I feel for not being home with them more. 

My therapist says it's quality time, not quantity time that I need to focus on. And so that's what we've been doing. More laughter, love, cuddling, etc. It just doesn't assuage my guilt for being a full-time working mom, though.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

I offer the suggestion to have your daughter tested for allergies. Not cursory checks of the skin, although there is that. But maybe even more in depth testing. Often kids who have sensory issues and are easily and frequently frustrated..start to heal and perform better when they are removed from things like gluten/wheat. Its just one avenue and maybe in addition to psychological review. 

It sounds like for most of her young life her dad has been this way? So in other words, he is her normal standard of a dad? If thats the case, why do you suppose the sudden statements from her to her dad about not liking him and wanting him to move out? Has she expressed why? Do the two of you ask her why when she says those things? Is it possible he is being emotionally dismissive (abusive) to her when she is around but you're not, as though she is a nuisance to his computer time? Those are just some thoughts.

My heart breaks for your situation but you do sound very strong and resolved. *hugs


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

HangingOnHope said:


> I offer the suggestion to have your daughter tested for allergies. Not cursory checks of the skin, although there is that. But maybe even more in depth testing. Often kids who have sensory issues and are easily and frequently frustrated..start to heal and perform better when they are removed from things like gluten/wheat. Its just one avenue and maybe in addition to psychological review.
> 
> It sounds like for most of her young life her dad has been this way? So in other words, he is her normal standard of a dad? If thats the case, why do you suppose the sudden statements from her to her dad about not liking him and wanting him to move out? Has she expressed why? Do the two of you ask her why when she says those things? Is it possible he is being emotionally dismissive (abusive) to her when she is around but you're not, as though she is a nuisance to his computer time? Those are just some thoughts.
> 
> My heart breaks for your situation but you do sound very strong and resolved. *hugs


Thank you so much for your response. My daughter has been previously tested for food allergies, blood response to IgE/IgG. Nothing really showed up. The IgG panel is controversial and we didn't really see any benefit to giving up the foods she was positive for (which, surprisingly, were more fruits and vegetables than anything else). She has been a very intense child since she was born. She is so smart and notices everything, all little details, which is why this is so hard for me. I know she is not only seeing all the negative, but feeling significant effects from it.

When she says she doesn't like my husband and wants him to move out, I ask her why she says that. She says, "Daddy is mean and even though I have to love him, I don't like him. He doesn't listen to me." I think he is the normal standard of a dad to her, but she knows that I don't agree with what he's doing. I don't agree with him that he can't get her to school on time, which looks bad on both of us, not just him. She knows that I don't like that he plays on the computer while everyone else eats dinner and that I think families should eat together if possible. I try to focus on his behavior, not him as a person. I want her to know the difference between a bad person and bad behavior (and that's how I approach parenting also).

Last night I told my husband he needed to FIND A JOB. I found him an afternoons job posting that would only leave the need for a sitter or daycare maybe 3 days a week for maybe 4 hours at a time. Plus then he wouldn't be home in the evenings (THANK GOD). He is very qualified for this particular job and even seemed interested in it, esp because it's afternoons and it mentions multiple job openings. Anyway, we'll see if he actually applies for it. There is no excuse. And I know that I shouldn't have to look for him a job, as that is mothering him. But the way I see it, it benefits both of us if he works. And it's a way to get things moving with the divorce if he starts working. Plus, in general, he will be much more pleasant to be around.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What kind of work?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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