# New to this world.



## Grace156 (Aug 21, 2015)

So I commented on some of the posts I saw last night. Honestly I can't believe how many people are going through something similar. I've been married 17 years, and in May 2015 my husband started hanging out with this woman he met at the gym, I told him it wasn't ok and I didn't feel comfortable with the relationship. He assured me they were just friends. To make a long story short I caught him with her on a Friday night alone and confronted the 2 of them they both denied any relationship and that they just like talking together. This was the end of July, I stormed off and my husband didn't even follow me straight home. I knew then he didn't care about my feeling. When he did finally come home I asked what he was thinking why was he doing this and he simply told me he was "done " and didn't have the same feelings for me any more. Needless to say I'm devastated, and its almost been a month and I'm still finding myself hysterical at times begging him to go with me to counseling and try to work it out. But he'll have none of it. We still live together it's not financially possible to split now, and our youngest son is still in the house. He's out all the time I've followed him a few times she's always there. Why won't he admit he's having an affair it shouldn't matter now since he told me he's done what does it matter. I've confronted him but to no end he says they are just friends. I just wanted to vent to people who probably understand my pain, Thanks.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

As hard as it is, he has exited the relationship even though you are still married. You have to learn to stop seeing him as your partner and learn to let go. As hard as it is, he does not belong to you, but you can learn to detach and be your own person.

Perception is probably important to him. He does not want to acknowledge or admit to others the type of person he is. People who may be ashamed of their actions will hide it remember.

If he has recently started a relationship with the other female, then odds are he is in the infatuation stage of love, and he has a stronger romantic love towards the other female. It is new, full of excitement and possibility, hard to compete with.

The only thing you can really do is start moving on. What can you do personally to improve your own life?

If you are not working out, work out, it will help with mood, physical health, and mental health. Find something to take up your time with the void that is left. Fill it with friends,family, and new hobbies. Attachments take time to fade. Over time, his actions will destroy your love for him. Soon you will be associating less positive attributes with him .

Also, spend time with your children, they will need you to be strong for them as well. There home life is unstable, and you are an example for them to learn from. Live your life like a strong independent individual.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It does not really matter if he admits an affair...he is having one, either physical or emotional, but probably both. The only way it matters is if adultery is to be the reason for a divorce. He has made it plain, in his way, that he is "done". With men, in my opinion, that means they have someone new, usually. You will become Plan B at best, meaning if it does not work out, he may decide to stay.

Is there no way he can move out? With a friend or family member? Staying in the house together is damaging to everyone.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Grace156 said:


> So I commented on some of the posts I saw last night. Honestly I can't believe how many people are going through something similar. I've been married 17 years, and in May 2015 my husband started hanging out with this woman he met at the gym, I told him it wasn't ok and I didn't feel comfortable with the relationship. He assured me they were just friends. To make a long story short I caught him with her on a Friday night alone and confronted the 2 of them they both denied any relationship and that they just like talking together. This was the end of July, I stormed off and my husband didn't even follow me straight home. I knew then he didn't care about my feeling. When he did finally come home I asked what he was thinking why was he doing this and he simply told me he was "done " and didn't have the same feelings for me any more. Needless to say I'm devastated, and its almost been a month and I'm still finding myself hysterical at times begging him to go with me to counseling and try to work it out. But he'll have none of it. We still live together it's not financially possible to split now, and our youngest son is still in the house. He's out all the time I've followed him a few times she's always there. Why won't he admit he's having an affair it shouldn't matter now since he told me he's done what does it matter. I've confronted him but to no end he says they are just friends. I just wanted to vent to people who probably understand my pain, Thanks.


Grace,

I'm so sorry you are here.

A couple things came to mind as I read your post.

First, expect your husband to act nasty to you. You've exposed a very ugly side/truth about him, which he doesn't want to face, so he'll be angry at you (unjustly) for exposing that side of him. Try not to take it personally. Just keep reminding yourself that he's mad at himself and his ugly side, not you. 

Second, try really really hard to control the begging and outbursts. I'm the poster child for angry outbursts, trust me, but try NOT to become a woman that your husband can point to and say, "See??? See why I don't want to be with her??" Instead, be someone he's crazy to be cheating on. This just means being self controlled and calm, as hard as it will be. 

Third, meet with an attorney and get some advice. Doesn't mean you have to file for divorce, but getting advice is crucial.

Fourth, keep posting here . <3


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop begging him and show him his new reality by having him served divorce paper.

You need to be confident enough to give up the marriage if you want any chance of saving it.

Until the 3rd party is no longer in contact the marriage is done. You can't compete with new love.

But you can make this affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing it to family and friends, having him served and having the balls to ask him to leave the marital home as long as he continues his affair....

You can not nice your way out of this.

Again show him how confident you are even if you have to fake it......


If you want him to start thinking twice and second guessing his choice you have to show him that he is in fact losing you by smiling at him and offer him the *indifference* he deserves.

And for the love of god please stop crying in front of him.

Again girl you have to show him through action that you can and will let him go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why should he change.....you aren't going any were and when this affair runs it's course he knows you will be there.

It's time to put your big girl pants on and show him you are moving on and no longer a phucking doormat.

Even if you can't let him go, he doesn't need to know that. (time to make him think about what he is losing)

Fake it until you make it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing...it's time to start going out at night and having a good time, start dressing sexy and stop talking to him.

Make him second guess his choices when he sees a real sexy women who can get a real man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Grace156 said:


> So I commented on some of the posts I saw last night. Honestly I can't believe how many people are going through something similar. I've been married 17 years, and in May 2015 my husband started hanging out with this woman he met at the gym, I told him it wasn't ok and I didn't feel comfortable with the relationship. He assured me they were just friends. To make a long story short I caught him with her on a Friday night alone and confronted the 2 of them they both denied any relationship and that they just like talking together. This was the end of July, I stormed off and my husband didn't even follow me straight home. I knew then he didn't care about my feeling. When he did finally come home I asked what he was thinking why was he doing this and he simply told me he was "done " and didn't have the same feelings for me any more. Needless to say I'm devastated, and its almost been a month and I'm still finding myself hysterical at times begging him to go with me to counseling and try to work it out. But he'll have none of it. We still live together it's not financially possible to split now, and our youngest son is still in the house. He's out all the time I've followed him a few times she's always there. Why won't he admit he's having an affair it shouldn't matter now since he told me he's done what does it matter. I've confronted him but to no end he says they are just friends. I just wanted to vent to people who probably understand my pain, Thanks.


If she's married, find her husband and expose the affair to him.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Well said @the guy!
@Grace156, are you a SAHM? Do you have the means to financially support yourself in case of divorce?


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## Grace156 (Aug 21, 2015)

What is an SHAM? @Lila


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Grace156 said:


> What is an SHAM? @Lila


SAHM=Stay at Home Mom


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## Grace156 (Aug 21, 2015)

@Lila No I'm not a stay at home mom my youngest is 16. I work full time and go to night school, so maybe my husband got lonely IDK... He never seemed unhappy


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Grace156 said:


> @Lila No I'm not a stay at home mom my youngest is 16. I work full time and go to night school, so maybe my husband got lonely IDK... He never seemed unhappy


First, I am so sorry. I went through this one year ago. And the last year was the hardest of my life. 

You'll get a lot of advice, but honestly, most of it doesn't matter. Cry and beg if you need to. It won't change anything one way or the other. Your marriage is over. He's bailed and left you picking up the pieces, and there is nothing you can do to get rid of these horrible feelings other than wait it out. 

But that's the good news, as horrible as you feel right now, you won't feel that way always. Someday you will actually have happy days. 

Here's what helped me: 1) Knowing I was not alone. 2) Having my feelings validated. 3) Embracing my justified anger. 

Here's what didn't help me: 1) People telling me how to behave. 2) People telling me how to feel. 3) People telling me that my XH isn't as awful as I feel he is. 

Be warned, there are far more people who aren't helpful than are helpful. 

Now here's some practical advice for you...get a lawyer. Yesterday. Start the proceedings. Let your lawyer advocate for you. Find a friend or family member who is 100% in your camp and hates your STBXH. 

Get into counseling. Again, Yesterday. This is an emotional landmine and you need someone who will help you process your emotions. 

Grieve. And grieve hard. You have lost one of the most important people to you. It's actually worse than if they had died. Because their body is still here, and they talk and act just like that person they you still love. And other people don't even see that it's a different person. 

But it is a different person. 

If you have children it's even worse, because this new person still has rights to your children. 

Hang in there, cry if you need to, rage if you need to, and get help, because you need to.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

This happened to me, too. Found out about her in February. Divorce was final in July. After 25 years of marriage and a 13-year-old son.

I agree with everything said here so far. I cried and begged at first, tried to nice him back, hated myself for it. Then I found a bunch of their texts to each other and I got angry, and that anger saved me. Made me start walking for an hour after work every day. And the combination of the physical activity and the anger helped me to detach just enough from him to let him go.

BlueWoman is right - it's worse than if they'd died. It was as if the ghost of my H were still walking around, having a whole other life right in front of me of which I wasn't invited to be a part. He blamed me for his affair, like they all do, and rewrote the history of our marriage, like they all do, to make himself feel better about the horrible person it turns out he is. He had me believe that "all our friends have known our marriage has been over for years." Funny - when I told them what had happened, they were absolutely shocked. They can't all be great actors, can they? 

I'm sorry you're here. It makes no sense at all, especially when they never say a word about being unhappy, then one day, they're suddenly "done." My ex used that word, too. There must be a Cheater's Handbook somewhere they all follow.

I'd love to use this words on him someday, because it truly is over for me, now, I truly am done, and I truly am not in love with him anymore. Still p!ssed off as all He!! at him - that's the trouble with anger - it lingers - but I sleep through the night now (he says he still doesn't), my appetite I thought I'd lost forever is back, and I can look myself proudly in the eye in the mirror. He can't look me or his son in the eyes, I've noticed, so that mirror thing probably isn't fun for him either.

It's the hardest thing I've ever been through - everyone here who's been through it will say the same thing. I won't tell you how to feel. Just know that you're not alone, you'll find lots of support here, and you'll get through this.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Grace156 said:


> I'm still finding myself hysterical at times begging him to go with me to counseling and try to work it out.
> 
> We still live together it's not financially possible to split now, and our youngest son is still in the house. He's out all the time I've followed him a few times she's always there..


Sorry you're here. Most of us can tell you from experience to stop begging and following him. It just won't help and it degrades you. You will respect yourself more in the future and be more able to heal if you do not degrade yourself right now. 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's not possible to split now because your husband is probably counting on this pseudo-truth in order to control you. See a lawyer and hit him with divorce papers. You need to take away any and all the leverage this guy is using against you.


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## Grace156 (Aug 21, 2015)

We had a vacation planned for this weekend which was cancelled for obvious reasons. I told him to take our son somewhere instead, because my son wanted to go! But instead he's gone for the weekend with her I'm sure and he didn't even tell anyone I just figured it out when all his travel stuff was missing and it's Saturday night and he hasn't been home since Friday morning. I'm so angry for my son. I'm sure saying anything will only be in vain but my son is quieter so he would never ask his dad where he was all weekend since our vacation was cancelled. Thoughts? Ideas? Should I just stay quiet?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I really don't know what you should do. I think it depends on what will make you and your son feel better. You have to understand that he won't he won't feel guilt nor will he apologize. This is what affairs do. They call it the fog. And as far as I can tell, once they are out of the fog, they still don't understand the damge they caused while they were in the fog. 

Actually, I know it's impossible to understand it. And it's really hard to accept it. Go and do something with your son tomorrow. Perhaps something distracting like a movie. Your son is hurt as well. And you can't fix it. It's sad that the first person that broke your son's heart is his own father. And you know, it's not a bad idea to get your son counseling as well. 

Again, I'm sorry.


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

Switch your focus from him to you (and your son). I know it's difficult but get on with your life. It might be worth having some counselling to help you understand and process your feelings and build your independence and strength. Tell him that if he plans on continuing with his affair, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. Consult a lawyer so you are fully informed about your rights. Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Grace, what ever you do, do not protect your WH. How old is your son? You have one child?
If your son is above 13 then he should know. You have to expose what your WH is doing to your family, his family, friends, etc so that his affair bubble will burst. The longer this remains hidden the longer his fantasy can continue. So exposure is important.

others have told you to do the 180, get IC, see a lawyer, do all of this too. Can you afford a PI to get some evidence? He is denying everything, so you need to hit him with photos, meeting, etc. Then present him with divorce papers. 

I am not sure how your marriage was but you now have to be prepared to lose this marriage, protect yourself and move from there.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

aine said:


> Can you afford a PI to get some evidence? He is denying everything, so you need to hit him with photos, meeting, etc.


This only matters if it's state where proven adultery affects the divorce settlement. That's only a few states nowadays, and if it's not one of those states it's a waste of time and money.


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