# Using Blackmail to get more sex



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Who has a view on using gentle blackmail to get more sex? 

If you love me......
If you care ... 
Anything beginning with IF. 

I own up to have told my husband that he can avoid or reduce chances of Prostate cancer if he puts extra effort on sex frequency from the onset. I read an article about it and photocopied it and took it home and read it to him. This was 2004 just after we got married and were both mad about sex in any case. We both still use it. 

Have you ever used such blackmail and is it a good or bad thing?


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I reckon so, but in my opinion if not I'd be in a sexless marriage and probably divorced. Not proud of it but seemed right at the time. I also tried to do extra nice things and most of the house work to lighten up her work load (although I worked two jobs). 

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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

peterrabbit said:


> I reckon so, but in my opinion if not I'd be in a sexless marriage and probably divorced. Not proud of it but seemed right at the time. I also tried to do extra nice things and most of the house work to lighten up her work load (although I worked two jobs).
> 
> Sent from my moto z3 using Tapatalk


That is a good example of it working. What did you use as in blackmail?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Our marriage counselor told her if she didn't want to have a love and sex life with me anymore that she would be a single mother with two young kids that she'd only see 50% of the time, does that count?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Our marriage counselor told her if she didn't want to have a love and sex life with me anymore that she would be a single mother with two young kids that she'd only see 50% of the time, does that count?


It does. Thanks. It is good you both went to seek help. It is a huge step for many people. difficult to start.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Our marriage counselor told her if she didn't want to have a love and sex life with me anymore that she would be a single mother with two young kids that she'd only see 50% of the time, does that count?


Technically, I'd say no, that doesn't count.

OP said "_gentle_ blackmail!" :wink2:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

On a related note, I did mention the prostate thing to my wife... no response. I also mentioned it lowers blood pressure. She makes sure my meds are up to date.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Well, it wasn't to get more sex but to get better sex. 

Was with Mr. MinuteMan about a year and a half and had gained around 15 pounds. He hated it and asked me to lose it. I didn't mind him asking, but I sure felt he had a lot of nerve asking since I'd been asking him to work on his stamina almost since we first began dating to no avail. So I blackmailed him and told him I would lose the weight if he improved his stamina. No idea if that was okay to do or not but I did it.

He didn't, and I didn't either until after we broke up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Who has a view on using gentle blackmail to get more sex?
> 
> If you love me......
> If you care ...
> ...


Depends, if it's really blackmail or foreplay.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> On a related note, I did mention the prostate thing to my wife... no response. I also mentioned it lowers blood pressure. She makes sure my meds are up to date.


My wife was told to home monitor her white coat BP. Unscientificly an orgasm takes off about 15/10. 

Unrelated, she really needs to monitor more.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> That is a good example of it working. What did you use as in blackmail?


This has been my efforts to encourage her to have sex

On the negative side:
If she didn't have sex with me I'd find someone who would, 
if she loves me as a husband how could she not want to have sex
Good wives love sex
The Bible says to have sex with your spouse
I'd be less grumpy and nicer if sex was a part of our relationship.
If she doesn't want me to watch porn then have sex with me

On the positive side:
I was a happier person
Put her wishes above mine
Give her flowers and write poems about her
Buy lingerie and toys
Cook for her
Clean the house and buy groceries.(even though I worked 2 jobs)
Do pet projects she wanted
Call and text her throughout the day
Listen to her and talk with her.
Make sure she had orgasms

Unfortunately it seems the negative side has the most positive effect, sometimes I think the whole "no more Mr nice guy" thing works which I do not understand.

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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents.;

Blackmail, even "gentle blackmail" is about trying to change another person and how they act. Ultimately, only the other person can change their actions and only if they choose to change.

In my case while under marriage counseling with a sex therapist, I explained to my wife, what my "boundaries" were and what I required to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman (my wife). At that point there was not threat, no trying to change her, it became my making a promise to myself that was explained to my wife, that was rational and that was a promise I made to myself. 

The Sex Therapist helped my wife understand that my boundary of not being in a sex starved marriage was reasonable, but that my wife could choose to accommodate my needs or not. If not, there would likely be consequences, but it was totally my wife's choice, if she ever had sex with me again. The Sex Therapist also negotiated with me a reasonable time for my wife to consider her options and either start having sex with me or not; before I would file for divorce.

What I see as the issue is the difference between trying to change your partner and drawing a line in the sand or boundary that you promise for yourself as to a boundary. the grey area is that you can't suddenly create and verbalize a new boundary that has never existed in the past without it seeming like you are trying to blackmail someone. That is why either incredible communications or having the assistance of a marriage counselor, preferably a Sex Therapist was so important for me. It also helped that prior to working with the ST, I had made some huge positive changes in my life and the way I treated my wife.

Your mileage may vary, but your goal should not be to change your spouse by manipulation, it should be to support them on how they can change themselves, if they want to change.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm not sure some of these are blackmail. The article, for example. I could see it being a gentle nudge, but not blackmail. I think of blackmail as trapping someone into doing something using threat of punishment.

I'm not sure "if you care about me" is blackmail because, for me, it is true. If you actually care about me, you have gotten to know me. And if you have gotten to know me, you know sex is important to me. So yes....if you care about me, we will have a regular sexual relationship....or you'll let me go so I can find one.

And honestly, if someone gets married thinking they won't have sex, unless it was two asexuals by agreement, they probably SHOULD either change or not get married.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Our marriage counselor told her if she didn't want to have a love and sex life with me anymore that she would be a single mother with two young kids that she'd only see 50% of the time, does that count?


Your MC was the shizzle!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> This has been my efforts to encourage her to have sex
> 
> On the negative side:
> If she didn't have sex with me I'd find someone who would,
> ...


 Wow. 
The first list wouldn't work for me at all, especially the bit about you finding someone else or watching porn. 
Mind you I wouldn't be with a man who would think of cheating or watch porn anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't think that any sort of blackmail or manipulation should be used in sex. It should be for giving, loving and bringing each other closer.
My husband had 23 years of his first wife controlling their sex life, if/when etc, so he doesn't need that from me and he wont get it.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

the first list was the result of the second not working. We were heading towards a sexless marriage when I gave the ultimatum. The porn was an attempt to offset the gatekeeping and refusal. So if the positive stuff had worked I wouldn't have went to the negative

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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I'm not sure some of these are blackmail. The article, for example. I could see it being a gentle nudge, but not blackmail. I think of blackmail as trapping someone into doing something using threat of punishment.
> 
> I'm not sure "if you care about me" is blackmail because, for me, it is true. If you actually care about me, you have gotten to know me. And if you have gotten to know me, you know sex is important to me. So yes....if you care about me, we will have a regular sexual relationship....or you'll let me go so I can find one.
> 
> And honestly, if someone gets married thinking they won't have sex, unless it was two asexuals by agreement, they probably SHOULD either change or not get married.


It has always seemed to me that things that happen or don't happen in marriages start as tiny little things that, if discussed get forgotten quickly, but if not discussed they grow into large monsters which nobody can kill. 

There are people who honestly do not care about their spouses. There is a farming family where I used to grow vegetables free of charge because I used to help them with their computers. They both are estate agents. She called by us one afternoon and I asked how he was. She said she had just found him in hospital three days after he disappeared. It turns out he had had a heart attack and stopped by the road side and slept. Then woke up and drove himself to the hospital where they detained him till she started looking for him three days later. He did not ring her, she did not tell police. She got up and went to work three times before she looked for him. 

Why did they get married? So if she were to say "If you care about me, lets have sex." it might be a long while before he even answers. They are past the stage where either of them can use anything whether gentle or other. 

Was thinking of people who can still ask each other other things like What do you want for breakfast, or Can I take you out for your birthday?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I separate blackmail and bribery from "natural effects". 

Telling someone that you will stop doing favors for them, or have an affair, etc if they won't have sex seems wrong.

Telling them that you are not happy with your sex life and what you want to be happy or you will leave seems OK, though I'm not happy doing it myself. (and I think it should only be done if *true*, not as an empty threat).

Telling them what would make you happy seems best - but often doesn't work.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Yes i've used blackmail in the past. When asked if i could contribute with the house work more often even though i worked fulltime and she was a stay at home I'd respond with sure when you increase the amount of sex we have, or when she wanted something expensive purchased, I'd negotiate sex into it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Sports Fan said:


> Yes i've used blackmail in the past. When asked if i could contribute with the house work more often even though i worked fulltime and she was a stay at home I'd respond with sure when you increase the amount of sex we have, or when she wanted something expensive purchased, I'd negotiate sex into it.


Methinks that's bribery, not blackmail.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sports Fan said:


> Yes i've used blackmail in the past. When asked if i could contribute with the house work more often even though i worked fulltime and she was a stay at home I'd respond with sure when you increase the amount of sex we have, or when she wanted something expensive purchased, I'd negotiate sex into it.


 Before people swoop in and tell you how awful you are, I am going to guess that this was not your 1st choice of action. I am going to guess that you probably tried talking and all of the nice things 1st period I would be willing to bed that the reason you resorted to the above is because your wife was too selfish and uncaring to respond to your nicer attempts at intimacy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> Who has a view on using gentle blackmail to get more sex?
> 
> If you love me......
> If you care ...
> ...


I am surprised you have to ask that. Not sure what the bolded means. But WHY is DH not interested? Until you have a cause, you don't have a solution.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Technically, I think is more manipulation than blackmail. Offering sex in exchange for something makes one a prostitute.

It all comes down to willingness and desire to meet a partner’s needs. 

Imagine if you replaced sex with work. A woman would be incredibly frustrated with a guy who worked a minimum wage job because he had to or was unemployed and not motivated to look for work. It’s not like she would offer sex in exchange for him interview for jobs. She’d cut him off because he becomes sexually undesirable especially if she’s picking up the slack financially.



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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> the first list was the result of the second not working. We were heading towards a sexless marriage when I gave the ultimatum. The porn was an attempt to offset the gatekeeping and refusal. So if the positive stuff had worked I wouldn't have went to the negative


So...you're good with knowing she's *only *having sex with you so you don't cheat on her or jerk off to PornHub? Seriously? And you're ok with the fact that you alone simply don't do it for her, but *fear of the consequences* is the only reason she gets naked with you?

Oh man. I'd rather be celibate then have to resort to threatening or coercing _anyone_ into having sex with me.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Nope never said I was good with it, but it's the situation I'm in, the decision is hers to look inside herself to try and rekindle her sex life because I've tried to help. I refuse to be in a sexless marriage, sorry if that comes across harsh.

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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

aaarghdub said:


> Technically, I think is more manipulation than blackmail. Offering sex in exchange for something makes one a prostitute.
> 
> It all comes down to willingness and desire to meet a partner’s needs.
> 
> ...


I don't know about others but money does not feature that much in whether or not I have sex with my husband. When he was unemployed, I found that he had more time for more sex. It was him who said he felt unhappy and un-enthused because he needed work. Maybe girlfriends care about men's earnings. I do not think many married women do, unless the man is showing signs of being actually lazy. Even then I might mention that he needs to be looking for a job or even look for one on his behalf, but I would not think to give up sex about it. That would be a double loss to me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> Who has a view on using gentle blackmail to get more sex?
> 
> If you love me......
> If you care ...
> ...


I don't like it. There's something whiny and smarmy about it to me when put that way. I think a more direct approach would be healthier. Instead of "If *you cared*..." something more like:

"Having more sex/intimacy would make me really happy."
"I am unhappy and feel unloved by how little sex we have."
"I am not happily married to you right now because _____."

And some attempts to understand the lack of desire on their part. Are you not meeting his/her needs either or did you just marry a selfish, withholding person? So maybe:

"What could I do that I don't do much that would make you really happy? Or make you feel really good/loved?"


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> Nope never said I was good with it, but it's the situation I'm in, the decision is hers to look inside herself to try and rekindle her sex life because I've tried to help. I refuse to be in a sexless marriage, sorry if that comes across harsh.
> 
> Sent from my moto z3 using Tapatalk


Well, she might have to force herself to have sex with you so it wouldn't be a 'sexless' marriage.

But I fear it would be a passionless one.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

There seems to be a lot of wives who are cajoled into having sex with their husbands but I know that there number of wives who endure sexless marriages is equally high. I used to do 6 hours per week with the counselling service in UK and one of the problems young wives had was that their husbands were not paying them any adequate sexual attention. So let us not suppose that the issue is to do with having children or being older. The issue affects most age groups and can get critical. 

The point of my question was to find out if anyone has used the ideas that may have a leaning towards blackmail to get their partner to actually change their sexual habits? The reason I asked is that I have heard so many people saying they have tried a lot of these methods but I have not heard anyone saying it was a success. It could be argued that those who find the methods successful would not have any need to seek help so would not be heard, and that those who ask for help have failed. So difficult for me to determine if such methods actually work. I have only met people who say 

"I told him if he was not willing to pay me any attention then he should let me go. I have been told by many men that I am attractive."
"I told him house work makes me too tired for sex."
"I told her I cannot have sex in a dirty house."
"She loves the cat more than she loves me."
" She is not willing to understand me."
"He does not understand intimacy. I told him I need foreplay."

These and other types of statements from spouses. Some of these are embarrassing when they are made publicly at a party or family event, and meant to dhow up the spouse as unreasonable or uncaring. 

I wanted to hear from others if these methods actually do any good. 

Like I say, I tell my own that regular sex will keep him away from prostate cancer and if he is busy with something and is not ready for bed, I tell him I am going to bed and will wait, without saying waiting for what, but he will know. Not that I did not get enough, but sometimes if he was busy sex would be the activity to push aside to make time for whatever was making us busy. So gentle pressure makes sex seem as necessary as food, which I think it is.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I disagree with the whole premise that any statement starting with "if" is a form of blackmail. Mostly they are natural consequence-type statements. And you imply an "if" to many things said regarding this subject; it's ridiculous to imply that blackmail exists in all such instances.

Blackmail only exists when your primary motivation is to coerce, shame, or hurt your partner.

So, threatening to tell your spouse's family and friends if you don't put out more is blackmail. But, finding a therapist/advisor and being frank is not, because you are seeking help; seeking help is a natural consequence of being in a bad situation.

Telling your spouse "if you won't work on meeting my need, we're done" is not blackmail because working on your own happiness, rather than hurting your spouse, is the primary driver.

Telling your spouse "you're killing my love for you" or "we need to get help before this falls apart" has the implied "if". Still not blackmail.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Who has a view on using gentle blackmail to get more sex?
> 
> If you love me......
> If you care ...
> ...


I hate to be a language Nazi, but...

You mean "extortion", not "blackmail".

Blackmail is a specific type of extortion where you threaten to reveal a secret if the other person doesn't do what you want.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

aaarghdub said:


> Technically, I think is more manipulation than blackmail. *Offering sex in exchange for something makes one a prostitute.*
> 
> It all comes down to willingness and desire to meet a partner’s needs.
> 
> ...


No, it makes one a husband or wife. We like the bartering system to get our needs met. Sometime we will place a bet and the loser has to give oral to completion. But sometimes I just hop in bed first with a rager and tell her when she gets close that there is a price for admission!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’m not sure why one would have to barter to get their needs met from their partner. You can barter for a sex act sure but you can’t barter for emotions which is what a lot of folks on here complain about. 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When a couple has very different libidos, its easy for sex to (unintentionally) become a bartering chip. 



aaarghdub said:


> I’m not sure why one would have to barter to get their needs met from their partner. You can barter for a sex act sure but you can’t barter for emotions which is what a lot of folks on here complain about.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aaarghdub said:


> I’m not sure why one would have to barter to get their needs met from their partner. You can barter for a sex act sure but you can’t barter for emotions which is what a lot of folks on here complain about.


Let's just say that all sexual 'needs' aren't always the conventional kind, and they definitely don't always have to do with "emotions," either. Sometimes, a good old fashioned bartering can be _very_ beneficial for *both* parties.

Very beneficial. :grin2:


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

One thing that is toxic for a marriage is using sex as currency. It should neither be a reward or a punishment. It needs to be a mutual physical expression of the love you have for each other. Not saying it cannot be a little kinky though. We are married 46 years and our sex life has been fantastic even now that we are in our late 60’s. 

Instead of blackmail focus on finding the reason he does not want sex as often as you do. For many guys today it is due to watching too much porn which makes real sex seem boring by comparison. Search the internet as there are many articles and studies done on this. It is a common problem in the internet age. 

One other thing to consider is that people fall into two groups when it comes to being horny. You can be proactive or reactive. The proactive person feels horny and will initiate sex. The reactive one will not feel horny but once the sex starts they get horny. If your husband is the reactive type, remind him of this and get him to at least engage in foreplay to see if he gets horny or not.

I was hooked on masturbating to porn rather than having sex with my wife for a while. I know how it goes. You watch more and more extreme sex in unrealistic situations, so that regular sex is not interesting anymore. The only solution for that is for him to choose for or you I chose my wife and things went back to normal. In fact, I am very horny now waiting for sex this afternoon. In the past I would simply masturbate and then tell my wife I was not horny.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

While all that can be true, there are also people who just have very little interest in sex. 



Vinnydee said:


> One thing that is toxic for a marriage is using sex as currency. It should neither be a reward or a punishment. It needs to be a mutual physical expression of the love you have for each other. Not saying it cannot be a little kinky though. We are married 46 years and our sex life has been fantastic even now that we are in our late 60’s.
> 
> Instead of blackmail focus on finding the reason he does not want sex as often as you do. For many guys today it is due to watching too much porn which makes real sex seem boring by comparison. Search the internet as there are many articles and studies done on this. It is a common problem in the internet age.
> 
> ...


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