# Wifes past causing self worth issues



## Fermion (Jun 16, 2016)

Ok this is taking a lot of strength to do so here goes.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4, I know she had a rough life before me and I hoped that I had taken her away from it to show her a man can be loving, attentive, affectionate and everything she never had. A few years ago she had an emotional affair with a guy online in a different country, at the time our marriage was having a low due to our kids, work etc and we both weren't good at showing our love, she blamed the circumstances and acknowledged that she should have come to me instead of another man.

I called her a lot of names and told her I wanted her gone, she begged and pleaded with me to stay and explained things and apologised and said that there was no excuse for her behaviour. As a result of this incident she told me a few things about her past, her ex (the guy before me) was physically and emotionally abusive, had controlling and jealous behaviours and got her hooked on drugs as a way to maintain some sort of leash on her. She told me that her ex got her so high one day that she passed out and then he brought a friend in, they raped her and she got pregnant. She aborted the baby and left him.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, i had a feeling in my gut that something wasn't right, it felt like last time but there was no reason for it to as she isn't working and the kids are alright and i have made sure from the affair she had before that i made her feel wanted and needed and appreciated and desired. Well my gut was right, one day I came home from work early and had my shower and she took our daughter for a bath, i opened her browser and her facebook tab (she had been closing it for a few weeks when she was leaving the room, not usual behaviour. I opened the tab and checked the private messages and i saw what i suspected, this guy talking to her and her deleting the messages at the same time from her phone and no wonder judging by the conversation. So i confronted her.

She was crying desperately begging me to listen and I just wanted her out, she called my dad to calm me down and mediate. She tried at first to blame me but I wss having none of it because i was doing the best i could to show her everything she said she needed, and more. Eventually she said that it wasn't my fault but hers, she felt lonely when i was at work or asleep (she was going to bed at 3/4 am but i had to sleep from midnight because of work (i only work 9-5 mon-fri btw).

So lotta stuff came out of that and I started to get her to open up instead of sticking her head in the sand, she told me a few days ago that when her ex got her hooked on drugs she was so broke she had to sell her body for money for drugs, she was very ashamed and was crying and i told her it was ok, her ex put her in that position but thats a past life and one i will always keep her safe from.

Now i love my wife dearly, i really do and i appreciate the trust she has in me to be able to tell me her darkest secrets but I'm now suffering self worth issues... She said it was a lot of guys and some of who wanted creepy **** (her words). When i sink into points of depression, my mind starts racing, i wonder if im inferior, poor in bed and size... when we make love she orgasms everytime (yes everytime, vaginal contractions are one of the easier indicators) she loves making love with me and I know shes with me because she loves me, despite her 2 emotional affairs. I just cant shake these thoughts about that life, i know its not fair of me after what she told me but i cant help it...

I dont know how to shake those thoughts and get rid of them...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

Hi there, sorry you are going through this.

I hate to sound like a jerk but parts of your W's story do not ring true. The situation she is describing with her ex, the abortion, etc. is rather unbelievable. Have you verified any of her claims? 

Even if all of that DID happen to her, that doesn't excuse the fact that she has now had two online affairs on you. You are married to a cheater, that is the bottom line.

If you stay with her, continue making excuses for her based on something that she CLAIMS happened in her past (and many mentally ill women will make these claims, and they turn out in the end to be 100% false), then you should expect that she will continue to cheat.

She obviously has emotional and/or mental problems. My ex had similar problems, I tried to solve them in my own way, to be everything for her and in the end we broke up.

You cannot be with someone to save them, a marriage is built on mutual love and commitment to a process of trust. Your wife cannot be trusted. Simply being "lonely" is no reason to have an affair. Lonely, bored wives get a part time job, cultivate a hobby, go back to school. They don't look for other men online.

Once you can accept this you will be on your way to a solution that will work for you.

Sorry if this sounds harsh and best of luck to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like it's not her past that's bugging you so much as it is her _present_ behavior.

She did it once, you forgave her and committed to reconciliation. Now she's done it again.

Hell, she could have been doing this the entire time, along w/ quite a bit _more_ than inappropriate messaging.

I'd be done. I'd advise the same for you.

File for divorce and DNA the kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I seem to be sounding like a broken record whenever I ask:

She's cheated twice that you know of by catching her. What are going to do for consequences?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So it turns out she was a prostitute. And that's not a deal breaker?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I definitely feel for what happened to your wife in the past but that was the past. She continued to see/pursue other men while married to you and has been caught twice. While you could excuse the past and maybe one of the times you caught her, she begged for your forgiveness, you gave it to her and decided to do it again. I think she has got to go. If you stay with her, I think she'll keep on seeing other men.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Fermion said:


> I dont know how to shake those thoughts and get rid of them...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You get rid of them by getting rid of her. Sorry, but she only confides in you after you bust her. She is playing on your sympathy and being a nice guy to keep you in the relationship. She is a master manipulator. 

If it is true that she was a prostitute, she knows how to please you in the bedroom. So, don't read too much into 'good sex'.


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## Fermion (Jun 16, 2016)

A lot of what you guys are saying has ran through my mind many many times and some still do. We have 3 children together and as much as some parts of me want to show her the door and kick her lying, cheating ass out? We have 3 children and a larger part of me is saying 'one more go' for their sakes.

Now she has turned her behaviours around and is more like the woman i fell in love with, i am dubious though and im keeping a close eye on things, if she puts one foot out of line then she'll wake up with her clothes in bags and a taxi at the door.

So im struggling with the past thing and its not about good sex for me, i guess in some ways i have her past to thank for that, i know sex is good for her which is a large driving force for me 'in the act', ive always been 'the woman first', i know it pays off.

Im dealing with the 2 emotional affairs shes had, its really bloody hard and theres plenty of times im asking myself 'can i be bothered?' And im an idiot, i love her, having this thrown in the mix is making it worse and prolonging my suffering.

I ask myself daily, would i feel better emotionally and mentally if i got rid of her? Short term yes, long term though, i dont know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe a portion of your problem is your leniency. She claims boredom to be one of her reasonings for the A. The fact that you go to bed at midnight and she not until 3 or 4 am is not a valid reason to seek out other men. It is a valid reason to find her something that would have her up early and involved in something important such as gainful employment. What time does she arise in the morning or afternoon?

Who watches after the children? For someone with her level of mental ability there must be consequences (punishment) for her misdeeds if she is to ever behave properly. She cannot set her boundaries so you must set them for her, like you would for your other 3 children. Yours will indeed be a difficult path.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You have 3 children?

Sorry, allow me to amend my previous statement...

File for divorce and DNA the kid_*s*_.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fermion (Jun 16, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I believe a portion of your problem is your leniency. She claims boredom to be one of her reasonings for the A. The fact that you go to bed at midnight and she not until 3 or 4 am is not a valid reason to seek out other men. It is a valid reason to find her something that would have her up early and involved in something important such as gainful employment. What time does she arise in the morning or afternoon?
> 
> Who watches after the children? For someone with her level of mental ability there must be consequences (punishment) for her misdeeds if she is to ever behave properly. She cannot set her boundaries so you must set them for her, like you would for your other 3 children. Yours will indeed be a difficult path.


That is probably my biggest problem, i don't know how she should be punished or what boundaries should be set, she is an adult and i find the concept of doing the aforementioned, difficult. I also worry that the consequences of the imposition of borders and a punishment to sow the seeds for resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem is whatever is wrong with her is still wrong. Without intensive therapy, there is zero hope of her changing. Additionally, even with therapy, she may not change. Either way is an uphill slog.

You can stick this thing out, but then you have to understand that you will have eyes in the back of your head for the duration of the marriage.

I would not be okay with living that way.



Fermion said:


> A lot of what you guys are saying has ran through my mind many many times and some still do. We have 3 children together and as much as some parts of me want to show her the door and kick her lying, cheating ass out? We have 3 children and a larger part of me is saying 'one more go' for their sakes.
> 
> Now she has turned her behaviours around and is more like the woman i fell in love with, i am dubious though and im keeping a close eye on things, if she puts one foot out of line then she'll wake up with her clothes in bags and a taxi at the door.
> 
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, make sure you understand boundaries.

This IS NOT a boundary:

"Wife, you will not carry on with men online. I will make sure you never talk to other men."

This IS a boundary:

"Wife, I will not remain married to a wife who insists on having affairs."

Then it is her choice. She cheats? You remove her from your life. It is not about controlling her behavior. It is about you stating what you will not put up with in your own life, and then it is up to her to respect that...or not.

But either way, I would be skeptical. How many of these online affairs have happened that you DO NOT know about?



Fermion said:


> That is probably my biggest problem, i don't know how she should be punished or what boundaries should be set, she is an adult and i find the concept of doing the aforementioned, difficult. I also worry that the consequences of the imposition of borders and a punishment to sow the seeds for resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Fermion said:


> That is probably my biggest problem, i don't know how she should be punished or what boundaries should be set, *she is an adult* and i find the concept of doing the aforementioned, difficult.* I also worry that the consequences of the imposition of borders and a punishment to sow the seeds for resentment.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the fallacy that many people fall into. What in her behavior makes you believe that she is an adult? Just because an individual reaches a certain chronological age does not mean their intellect has matured coincidently.

And what would be the results of this resentment? Perhaps seeking solace in other men? Has not that ship already left the port?

If you do not impose rules (boundaries if you prefer) then be prepared to live as you have been indefinitely.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So it turns out she was a prostitute. And that's not a deal breaker?


Why should it be? (current behaviour notwithstanding). Many people have less-than-stellar pasts and manage to escape the situations they're put in. Not ALL of those situations are necessarily choices, either. Things like depression and other mental issues can play a major role in what we, as people, do throughout our lives.

In this case, it sounds as though she managed to escape a bad life, with bad people, and more power to her for doing that.

I know a woman who resorted to prostitution for a very short time, as a minor. She had a very bad home life, and used it as a means to generate attention from parents who were, generally, not being parents. She's not at all proud of it, nor was she at the time (I knew her then, as well, though I did not know she was doing this until later on).

Now she's a very happily married mother of 4, and the most intensely loyal (and happy) wife one could ever be. And it's no act.


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## Fermion (Jun 16, 2016)

After i found out a few weeks ago, i asked myself the same question, if she's had more. I dont truly know.

She admits she has a problem with men making certain comments, she just crumbles and then it rolls. Thats really not ok and i told her that it terrifies me, the second another guy makes a comment, will she go running to them despite the fact im here and giving her so much more in the way of attention, affection and compliments. Whats even worse is that im being respectful and loving in what i say whilst the two men knew she was in a relationship with children but proceeded to disrespect that.

Im trying to keep her open to me so we can work through her issues, sometimes i feel its too much work and not worth it, she is trying her best at present to make up for her mistakes and i see that, some days its hard to see the end of the tunnel though...

A good point made about affairs, no choice, there is no consequence that hasn't happened already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Hi there

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. Stay strong.

Looking at some of the things you said about your wife, it seems like she may have self esteem issues herself ? 

I say this because before I met my husband to be, I was a very easy target for men, and of course, I let them in, I had a few emotional affairs with different men, always looking for validation but obviously never achieving anything because the issue had to be resolved within me. 

And your wife seems like she has been through so much. She maybe needs to explore a healthier outlet for when she's feeling lonely or vulnerable or whatever it is she is feeling. Ever since I'm with my fiancé i don't look for validation from other men, though when we fight or he makes me feel alone, I want to, but I don't and I won't. That's my way of managing it, I think she just needs to take the time out to sort through exactly why she's seeking this attention from other men, and then deal with it in a better way without hurting you. Sorry if I've missed a part where you may have mentioned something to this effect. But I really hope that things work out. And I know your wife has hurt you a lot, it takes a really strong person to do what you're doing, I wish you all the very best.


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## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

Fermion said:


> After i found out a few weeks ago, i asked myself the same question, if she's had more. I dont truly know.
> 
> She admits she has a problem with men making certain comments, she just crumbles and then it rolls. Thats really not ok and i told her that it terrifies me, the second another guy makes a comment, will she go running to them despite the fact im here and giving her so much more in the way of attention, affection and compliments. Whats even worse is that im being respectful and loving in what i say whilst the two men knew she was in a relationship with children but proceeded to disrespect that.
> 
> ...


So what,a guy says "underpants" and she's making plans to meet him in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart?

This is nine million kinds of wrong.

She WILL cheat again. Is this the example you want to set for your little ones?
That it's OK for Mommy to walk all over Daddy?

How do you know what they may have already seen or witnessed?

I thnk that you can do better and you should.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So it turns out she was a prostitute. And that's not a deal breaker?


*Was* a prostitute. Not *is* a prostitute.

OP, she needs counselling and sooner rather than later.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So what makes you think ANY of what she has told you about her past is the truth?? All this time you've been with her, and NOW that she got caught cheating, she suddenly has this tragic sob story? Sorry, but I just cant buy this.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Your wife is a verified liar. Why would you believe ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth? How do you know that any of this stuff about her past is real? Have you spoken to her ex? Can friends verify? As for the cheating, I'm willing to lay down money that there is more that you don't know about. I seriously doubt she only cheated twice and got busted both times. I'm willing to bet it went physical too. 

As for being a hooker, well, that would be a deal breaker for me, but I'm not you. And, before the "the past is the past" crowd gets started, I have certain deal breakers and that would be one. I know if I had been a male prostitute, my wife would not date/marry me too.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Acoa said:


> You get rid of them by getting rid of her. Sorry, but she only confides in you after you bust her. She is playing on your sympathy and being a nice guy to keep you in the relationship. She is a master manipulator.
> 
> If it is true that she was a prostitute, she knows how to please you in the bedroom. So, don't read too much into 'good sex'.


This, all of it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Fermion said:


> when we make love she orgasms everytime (yes everytime, vaginal contractions are one of the easier indicators)


Hmmm.... maybe she is just a good actor here, she was a pro. I would therefore leave this great sex life out of the equation. Judge on the other factors in your relation.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

My W had a background even worse than your wife's. Child sex abuse, promiscuity, stripper, married four times, serial cheat. 

She's never been unfaithful in 20 years. She wasn't a good bet, but with a LOT of work, she gained healing. It can be done, but only if she wants to. Telling you was a big first step. Having that out may feel like she's made progress (and she has), but it's the first step in a long journey.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My first LTR -who was the bisexual I dated- was a callgirl (I later found out) and sex for us was a rarity. It transpired that she wanted to keep our relationship "special."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your wife is sabotaging herself and your marriage. This is a common trait among people who have lived in severe dysfunction and impermanence. It seems counterintuitive right? You'd think someone who lived life way on the edge would be happy with and grateful to someone who can help provide them with normality. But this isn't generally the case. They sabotage because dysfunction is all they know and dysfunction is their only way of coping. Dysfunction is their normal. So even though they want the normality you can provide they don't know how to "do" normal.

1. She needs to recognize her tendency to self sabotage.
2. She needs therapy to learn to halt the sabotaging behavior and then to prevent the sabotaging behavior.
3. She should willingly supply you with all of her log ins, user names, passwords etc. she no longer has electronic privacy because that has been her venue to sabotage.

As Farside already pointed out, your boundaries need to be enforceable. Maybe it would be best for her to move out for a few months while she gets therapy and can learn to live in a healthy way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fermion said:


> After i found out a few weeks ago, i asked myself the same question, if she's had more. I dont truly know.
> 
> She admits she has a problem with men making certain comments, she just crumbles and then it rolls. Thats really not ok and i told her that it terrifies me, the second another guy makes a comment, will she go running to them despite the fact im here and giving her so much more in the way of attention, affection and compliments. Whats even worse is that im being respectful and loving in what i say whilst the two men knew she was in a relationship with children but proceeded to disrespect that.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she doesn't need to be on social media. Like... at all.

You ready to play warden for the rest of your life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

So now being a hooker in a 'previous life' and omitting it until after marriage isn't significant enough in itself for grounds for divorce?

God help us.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lots of judgement going on in this thread.


It never fails to piss me off how prostitutes are met with scorn but the men who visit them get anonymity and no one is the wiser.

Instead of looking down at the woman who earns rent by spreading her legs, look down at your own gender for employing her!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Lots of judgement going on in this thread.
> 
> 
> It never fails to piss me off how prostitutes are met with scorn but the men who visit them get anonymity and no one is the wiser.
> ...


If he was married to one of these guys then yes, it would be relevant. If the poster on this thread was female and told us that her husband had visited 50 prostitutes, there would be plenty of people here telling her to bail, including me. 

A person's past is relevant, regardless of what some on here want to say about it. I wouldn't want a wife that has slept with many of the people in my town. I'm sure my wife feels the same way about me.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> If he was married to one of these guys then yes, it would be relevant. If the poster on this thread was female and told us that her husband had visited 50 prostitutes, there would be plenty of people here telling her to bail, including me.
> 
> A person's past is relevant, regardless of what some on here want to say about it. I wouldn't want a wife that has slept with many of the people in my town. I'm sure my wife feels the same way about me.


Eh, well, I'm sure no one is ever completely honest about EVERYTHING in their past prior to getting married, and we all hide some things/portray our behavior more innocently than it is.

But the prostitution thing... yes. That's beyond the pale. 

As far as infidelity goes, I think you have to take it on a case-by-case basis. I know people cheat, A LOT of people cheat. It shouldn't always result in divorce. 

But here, it sounds like he himself would not cheat & expects his wife to remain faithful, and yet she has repeatedly done so. And not just that, but it's WHO she cheated with. This guy abused her and raped her... he's a danger to her and her family! 

And instead of doing the decent thing and leaving him... she makes promises she will not keep. She should know by her own past behavior she has no intention or ability to keep them. he needs to get out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Fermion;15936401
said:


> I ask myself daily, would i feel better emotionally and mentally if i got rid of her? Short term yes, long term though, i dont know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want the "Short and Long of it?"

Long term....you are a diamond, you have no "shortcomings" except one. You think you are an Alchemist...you can turn her very [base] "lead" metal into Gold.

The Alchemist fails because he must purify himself along with the creation of Gold. 

Fermion, by staying with her for love, for the children, sex and for the vows that you took, you are self-donning yourself into a failure-straight-suit. 

That straight-suit is one that Houdini himself would never put on. Why? He would not have time to get out of it....before he drowned in his tearful sorrows. He was a Magician you are Saint Tyro and Dabbler when It comes to love and devotion and the way women think.



Short term Problem?

Your wise feet have no control over your brain. Your feet are looking for the exit. They are twitching, toes are a-flutter.

Your intellect has no control over your emotions. You suffer from emotional loyalty. A naïve loyalty that is overcome by soft, sweet- smelling and smiling deceit.

Your wife is a Siren, her musical voice and actions are alluring, captivating your beating heart. 




Break free from this lying cheater. 

It will only get worse...you are not getting any younger.

Start out fresh with someone who has a normal past and normal desires.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife was a drug addict and a prostitiue and didn't tell you these very important facts about herself befoe marriage? I'd consider that fraud and be very tempted to divorce based o that piece of deception alone. I have nothing against sex workers, but I have serious problems with sex workers who later go on to marry and have children with a spouse they did not disclose their past employment to. Not a lot of men would be ok marrying a former sex worker and/or drug addict, much less having a former sex worker and addict as their childrens mother. I think any current or former sex worker embarking on a serious relationship is obligated by common decency to disclose long before engagement, much less marriage.

This woman married you under false pretenses. She took away your choice in the matter and that is not somehing I am sure could or even should be forgiven.

As for her excuses, they are just excuses. You do know that, right? I can't count the number of women I know who did some seriously skanky sh*t and blamed it on the moon or at least the BF at the time. I strongly suspect that is what happened here. I strongly suspect your wife was involved in drugs and prostitution because she wanted to be at the time and she blames the exBF. The exact same way she blames boredom and lonliness for her current poor behavior.

A lot of our stories and sayings are based in truth. A common old saying is that "you can't turn a wh*re into a housewife". Considering her past and current behavior, including the entirety of your relationship with her being a lie as you were unaware of her history and had no idea who you were really involved with, I'm going with the idea that this is one ho you really can't turn into a housewife and should simply let her go,.

I'm sure my feelings on the matter would be different had she been honest from the start, but I can't abide a liar. Especially one who maintained a lie for years, through dating, engagement, marriage, and the births of children. I couldn't forgive a woman who lied and concealed in order to basically trick me into marring her and fathering children with her. And I certainly couldn't forgive all that AND cheating.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

two big themes:

1. she's dishonest. 

2. everything is someone else's fault (not hers).

Regarding 1, she has lied to you repeatedly. There's no telling at this point what is the truth and what's not. She's lost the privilege of expecting you to believe her. I would not assume anything she told you about her past is true, particularly because (conveniently-- and this is point 2), it's all designed to absolve her of responsibility.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Fermion said:


> She admits she has a problem with men making certain comments, she just crumbles and then it rolls. Thats really not ok and i told her that it terrifies me, the second another guy makes a comment, will she go running to them despite the fact im here and giving her so much more in the way of attention, affection and compliments. Whats even worse is that im being respectful and loving in what i say whilst the two men knew she was in a relationship with children but proceeded to disrespect that.


This is the real problem in her personality. 

1. She has learned the short term gratification/addiction of submissive behavior to the bad guys (it has been imprinted in her neural network: that is how her world has worked). 

2. She has also learned the long term gratification of good wife behavior to the nice guy.

The Jekyll and Hyde sides of her personality BOTH react automatically to impulse from the external world.

A hard case to repair, and certainly not within the capacity of OP himself. 

OP you should consider if your love for her and your children is enough to withstand the difficult road to a possible healing of her personality. And then only if she first would give it a try.....


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## Fermion (Jun 16, 2016)

Yes she omitted her past from me, i do believe her reasons for doing so, shame and guilt and of course the obvious one, fear i would end the relationship. Would i have changed my mind? No. People have their pasts and sometimes it appears as though they have no choice which is far from the truth, we always have a choice, sometimes we just can't see it.

I loved her then and i love her now, am i an idiot? Perhaps i am, probability dictates she will stray a 3rd time but it's not a certainty and i'm gambling my sanity, my life and my heart by keeping her. Is this going to be a hard road for me? Yes it really is, my feelings and thoughts, my fears, they're not going to vanish overnight and from how i feel, not in any sort of near future.

I want to thank all of the kind and understanding words from the various people who have replied here and i want to thank the more cynical and cautious people for their advice as well, the comments mirror my own thoughts and fears.

I'll see how things go and i will be imposing boundaries and restrictions on her, too long has she roamed free and i know it can't be allowed anymore, that will change.

Thank you all again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> *Was* a prostitute. Not *is* a prostitute.


Changes nothing. Kept it hidden to get married.

Still a deal breker to many, and legitimately so.

If it's not to you, great, but that is strictly you


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

If never fails to piss me off how some people will bring up some unrelated issue to downplay someone's misbehavior.

OP is a male, he's not gay so it's unlikely he'll ever marry a man who employs prostitutes.

When that will be the case maybe some comments will make sense.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

My thing is you can't cry that your heart has been broken when you "forgive" your SO for cheating multiple times and then they do it again.

You're an adult and you go into these things with your eyes wide open.

As the saying goes, you reap what you sow


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Fermion said:


> Yes she omitted her past from me, i do believe her reasons for doing so, shame and guilt and of course the obvious one, fear i would end the relationship. Would i have changed my mind? No. People have their pasts and sometimes it appears as though they have no choice which is far from the truth, we always have a choice, sometimes we just can't see it.
> 
> I loved her then and i love her now, am i an idiot? Perhaps i am, probability dictates she will stray a 3rd time but it's not a certainty and i'm gambling my sanity, my life and my heart by keeping her. Is this going to be a hard road for me? Yes it really is, my feelings and thoughts, my fears, they're not going to vanish overnight and from how i feel, not in any sort of near future.
> 
> ...


This is truly your only way forward if you remain with her. 

In regard the her having been a prostitute, I believe the hardest thing for her to overcome would be the desensitization the experience caused. For some there is a line they simply will not cross. Once that line is crossed it becomes less opaque. If the line is crossed repeatedly, it is eventually erased.

Also her addictive personality may be such that her mind seeks out her next "fix" (sexual encounter) and because of her familiarity with the process, guilt and shame are no longer real deterrents.

She says she kept the truth from you out of guilt and fear however the logic is flawed. She did not want you to know that she was a drug addict and prostitute and think badly of her so she decided the best way to prevent you from disparaging her was to add liar to the list. This is not rational thinking and is why you must be vigilant in your efforts to police her. I wish you good fortune.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> My thing is you can't cry that your heart has been broken when you "forgive" your SO for cheating multiple times and then they do it again.
> 
> You're an adult and you go into these things with your eyes wide open.
> 
> As the saying goes, you reap what you sow




I think the saying is fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If a man wants to risk raising a family with a former prostitute that's his business but to marry a man without disclosing that is outrageous. 

It has nothing to do with being judgemental. It has to do with knowing who you're going to marry. If you have a past that is far from normal, your spouse to be, has a right to know if this is someone he or she wants to marry. 

This is not just for former prostitutes and all sex workers but if you were a junkie or have a criminal record. If you've committed adultery in a past marriage or have been a married person's side piece, this too should be disclosed.

I remember reading a story about a husband that divorced his wife because he found out she engaged in threesomes with 2 men a few times. There were so many posters harshly judging the husband for having the audacity to have standards. 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Which is why companies look at a potential hire's past work experience and they do a background check on you. Even if you've known of some outlier cases of someone that really has turned their life around, that doesn't mean that a firm wants to take a chance with someone with a questionable record and the same goes for a spouse.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You love her and I get that but I don't think that will last into the future. You no longer trust her and with time that will be coupled with loss of respect and then love.

And...I'm with some of the earlier posters who don't really buy her story. Every time you catch her she plays the sympathy card and creates an excuse and a reason for you to feel protective and sad for her. I just don't buy what she's saying. Some of it may be true, I suppose.

She will do this again, though. You shouldn't doubt that. When she does, you will hear the next round, like she had some terrible illness or accident that traumatized her when she was younger.

These are deflection tactics, in my opinion. Even if some of it is true, she's disclosing it now to deflect by garnering sympathy.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Anon Pink I hear you. I remember when NYC Mayor Kock went on the air in the 80's (?) and started naming the men arrested for offering money to under cover cops for sex. The first guy ever named was one town over and my folks had friends who knew him. It blew up his life. Shame he stopped, it was making a big difference. 

OP have you considered that her behavior is based on not wanting sex, put punishment? That her actions are, if you will, a form of cutting? Also she views her hold on you to be based on a need for KISA? Talk to a IC trained in this field. Also there are FOO issues. There as to be. Who has such low self esteem to allow what happened to her. 

At this point it may be the only explanation that fits.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Fermion if she has FOO issues, or CSA issues boundaries will only make it easier to get what she wants, to be punished for being a worthless person. I have read threads where the husband destroyed themselves trying to save the wife. Only a long term relationship with a therapist (Phd level) with extensive training and experience can help her. 

Now the kicker, she might realize her need for you is based in her issues and as the issues fade the need will to and she will realize while her debt to you is huge, she does not love you.

While @Uptown usually posts about BPD or cluster B issues he might have insight into what you are up against.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> If he was married to one of these guys then yes, it would be relevant. If the poster on this thread was female and told us that her husband had visited 50 prostitutes, there would be plenty of people here telling her to bail, including me.
> 
> A person's past is relevant, regardless of what some on here want to say about it. I wouldn't want a wife that has slept with many of the people in my town. I'm sure my wife feels the same way about me.


Wouldn't that depend on the size of the town?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Fermion said:


> Ok this is taking a lot of strength to do so here goes.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4, I know she had a rough life before me and I hoped that I had taken her away from it to show her a man can be loving, attentive, affectionate and everything she never had. A few years ago she had an emotional affair with a guy online in a different country, at the time our marriage was having a low due to our kids, work etc and we both weren't good at showing our love, she blamed the circumstances and acknowledged that she should have come to me instead of another man.*So She got a pass on that one...*
> 
> ...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

boundaries. 

this situation calls for healthy boundaries. nothing more. nothing less. 

and OP, stop worrying about how she feels so much. she worries about it TOO much. enough to have an emotional affair because she feels all giddy when guys hit on her. dont enable that mindset. 

boundaries are what will force her to shift her focus from the way she feels in the moment to what the second and third order of effects will be as a result of her actions. 

ive seen worse. never seen it get better without a good grasp of healthy boundaries though.


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