# Should I continue to read TAM



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

This forum helped me a lot and I cant thank the people here enough.

I continue to read so that I will learn from others and make my future relationships better. I also reach out to others in pain and try to console and give any advice I can.

However...

I feel that sometimes reading these stories brings up anger and regret in my own life. I cant help but think of what was and how much I was hurt.

So do I just drop TAM all together or is this normal and part of the healing process?

Im torn on what to do


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I am contemplating that exact decision myself. I am dealing with regrets and sadly sometimes jealousy of others here. That is bad. 

I am trying to cut way way back to see if that helps. 

How often do you read TAM and which forums do you read?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I am contemplating that exact decision myself. I am dealing with regrets and sadly sometimes jealousy of others here. That is bad.
> 
> I am trying to cut way way back to see if that helps.
> 
> How often do you read TAM and which forums do you read?


I mostly check the new post and active post links. I really like sending encouraging links to others that are hurting. But man does it trigger me to feel really down and depressed.

Im struggling what to do


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

I can relate to this for sure. Since i started posting here i take breaks very very often. I come back to catch up on some threads that started around the same time as mine. in similar situation as me (timeline wise). i come back because i want to seem them make it to the other side. Ive met people here whom i wouldn't hesitate to have a beer with if we were in the same location. 

When I come here my focus is starting to shift to others and not so much about me and my thread. I share my experience for their benefit. I try to keep my emotions out of it and stay objective (best way to give advice) BUT i do get angry, sad and all of that at some threads. Thats when i check out for a while.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I went thru the same issues myself. However, I think it is good to face these emotions. It helps you sort thru them, to try to understand them and to hopefully heal. I still get upset at times when I read something that brings up old memories or forces me to relive the bad times. But I found that these emotions have actually helped to improve myself and grow. I have no intention of going thru life as a broken person facing these issues have helped me heal. 
It isn't just posters who are going thru the same things I went thru, but also from some of the responses. We all have a way of saying things. Others may not understand what we are trying to say and someone else may state a thing in a way that someone else might understand better. The responses are often enlightening.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> It isn't just posters who are going thru the same things I went thru, but also from some of the responses. We all have a way of saying things. Others may not understand what we are trying to say and someone else may state a thing in a way that someone else might understand better. The responses are often enlightening.


This too. I come back also to follow a few posters who seem to speak/write in a way that resonate with me. Though they are advising others their insight is still appreciated and i learn.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

I get how you feel. Sometimes I start reading someone's thread and it just brings everything about my own experience right back full force. Doesn't help in right in the middle of it still.

For me I want to be able to help others, and to continue to learn and move forward. I may not be a lot of use in the helping part yet, but I read a thread here and there that is new and occasionally post something, even if it is just a link to something that helped me over the past 3 months.

I fully intend to be posting here well into my life after divorce and hopefully with the help of people here I can avoid the pitfalls that most people in my situation could easily fall into. And maybe, just maybe, I can make a better choice in my next LTR partner with the lessons learned here.

One thing I will say for sure, this is my second time on TAM, and I regret that I stopped reading and posting here. Take a break, but you should come back. Making the changes to yourself that many people here make require some outside perspective to stay on track, outside perspective you will not get from your real life friends and family. But internet strangers have a way of being honest and holding you accountable that no one else could match.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have to admit that most times I feel sad since most posts are not happy ones. Sometimes you forget that others' marriages are not like yours. I see the same mistakes repeated like marrying someone thinking they will change after you marry them or being OK with them texting and messaging someone of the opposite sex online since they are only friends that they share their feelings with. People do not change their nature and no it is not OK for your wife or husband to get into an emotional friendship with someone of the opposite sex. If you strongly suspect your spouse is cheating, they probably are. You can forgive but you will never forget and once trust is broken you will always be suspicious. 

A lot of posts are just venting and that is a good thing. I often write long posts using my real life as an example. Some like that and some do not. You cannot please everyone online. It is often difficult to offer advice when you are only hearing one side of the story which is always slanted to make the other spouse the bad guy or gal.  We never hear the other side of the story.

I never had an insight into troubled marriages until I came here. All our current friends are married longer than our 44 years and committed to their spouses. Our old friends are all divorced or had too much drama in their marriages. This website opened my eyes and I was shocked to see how other husbands and wives behaved in their marriages. My wife and I always consider each others needs and wants in every decision we make that will affect them. Neither of us has even done something that the other was opposed to. If my wife was uncomfortable or unhappy with something I did, I stopped doing it. She did the same. My message is to put each other and your marriage above all else even if it means living outside the ancient marriage rules that once had much more of a purpose than they do now. 

I personally do not fully understand why people seek advice from total strangers in such important matters. Advice is often subjective. Everyone has an opinion but only informed opinions are worth your time to seriously consider. The problem is in figuring which are the informed opinions or not. You never even know if the opinion/advice is coming from a 17 year old kid or not. However, as a means to blow off steam, it is a good outlet.

Since I grew old and the goal line is in sight, I feel a need to give back and share my personal experiences with others who may be helped by it. Prior to my move here, I mentored children with high IQ's, so that they could avoid the problems I had which made me hide my intelligence behind fighting and being a tough guy. I can say that for every 2-3 likes I get there is one who thinks I am full of it, or living immorally. All I can do is ask how many people do you know who are married more than 44 years. We must be doing something worth considering if you open your mind to alternate forms of marriages that have worked for us and for other couples too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Some of this stuff on here used to make me trigger, and occasionally still does to a greater or lesser degree; but the niceness of all of the countless friends that I've made here at TAM, along with the hopefully helpful advice and attempts at humor that I've dealt out, has more than made this so worthwhile for me!

I just consider my longtime presence here at TAM as being one of my many ministries in life!

Why not examine it from that perspective?*


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

A fair question. You continuing to post here helps others see the journey head both the ups and downs. Personally the triggers I experience are helpful in making me more aware of the pitfalls and how to avoid them. 
@MovingFrwrd has chosen to post occasional for just the reasons you mentioned as to several other posters. 

Accepting that others will chose a different path is hard, but is a life skill. If you learn it here then you have gained yet another benefit form this site.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Thanks for the mention, @JohnA. NoMoreTears4me, take a break. Don't worry about coming back until you're ready. Advice is welcomed here, regardless of where you're coming from.

I visit daily at times, other times it's weekly. I rarely post unless I feel that I have something of worth to say. JohnA shared a very good view with me - there are no bad posters, you learn from everyone even if it's what not to do, or what not to become. There's something to be learned in all the posts, and even more if you know their background and history to determine their posting 'style.'

I've spent a lot of time recently looking at threads that commentators have created, if only to learn where they are coming from.

You don't want to become jaded as you read a post. I'm guilty of a growing cynicism, and am working to combat that. Life is to short for crap like that... This place is a often a place of sharing pain. Too often that's all you take from the site, but it can also be a place where hope is shared. You can offer encouragement in rough patches. Many times, the OP just needs to hear an empathetic voice amidst a sea of damnation and anger. While there is truth in the damnation and anger posts, it needs to be sifted.

Each poster walks their own road. We can't possible know the entirety of an OP's situation, but can offer thoughtful responses. Always remember those responses are based on that particular poster's personal experience, and are not indicative of the site as a whole, nor do they necessarily represent the foreshadowing of what is to come for that OP. There are similarities, yes, but each situation presents a different number of variables that need to be taken into account for the endgame. I hope the endgame for each OP is a healthier, happier life.

I'm feeling introspective today, which accounts for the length and rather ambiguous post, but long story short please take a break if that is what's best for you. My understanding is the intent of this site is to provide help for recovery, whatever that means to you. If it's D, or R, or something else, you don't need to drown yourself in the worries.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This forum was a life saver for me when I was dealing with my last marriage ending. I have learned so much here! I continue to come here and post almost 5 years after my divorce because I like offering advice to others and share my experience. Often times it helps people to see that OTHER people have dealt with their same situation...it can make them see that they are not alone, and that others have gotten through it. Many times there are threads that I go into and read and know that I cannot handle their situation, whether due to triggers, or not being able to relate to their experience. Or, sometimes you can tell that the OP isnt going to take any kind of advice no matter what, so I try to stay out of those too as much as I can.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> This forum helped me a lot and I cant thank the people here enough.
> 
> I continue to read so that I will learn from others and make my future relationships better. I also reach out to others in pain and try to console and give any advice I can.
> 
> ...


I stayed here on TAM for the friendly relationship with the regulars. I remain almost exclusively in the Social Forum. Those (you) people have had a profoundly positive impact on my life. 

I occasionally wander into the other forums but very selective on what I read.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Lot's of really good posts. Some from other posters I have squabbled with in the past. One very good thing about seeing these posts is knowing, that may we disagree, we are all just here to truly offer the best that we know to be true based on our own experiences. Good thread and good OP for starting it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@NoMoreTears4me I get where you're coming from. This site really helped me get through my divorce, but after my divorce came to a close, I still felt triggered by reading other similar stories... so for maybe a year and a half or two years, I only read and posted on ONE THREAD. (It was the Singles thread, if you need to know.) This thread was full of people in the exact same situation as me. After that time period, I felt ready to branch out, and started reading and commenting on other threads again. And now I'm all over the freaking board! To the extent that I think I might need to take some time off because it's eating up a lot of time!

My point is, do what you need to do. Take a break, or find that one thread that you feel comfortable in, or stick to the social spot where people talk about random, non-relationship stuff. Whatever works for you, man.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I get where you're coming from. I think that TAM can be very negative. I have learned a lot from TAM though and have definitely applied it to my relationship with my husband. My marriage, I believe, has gotten better and I truly think TAM is the reason for that. Now, will it stay better or continue to improve? That remains to be seen but at least I have some knowledge on how to handle certain situations/issues. 

A lot of new posters are scared away pretty quickly. There was a post on another thread not too long ago that said something about people bullying betrayed spouses on here. Mainly because anything less than divorce is considered weak and the constant drum beat of that is tiring. I completely agree with that. There are so many posters that automatically start in on the "Divorce him/her" right away and never let up. On another thread, the OP flat out said that she didn't want advice but yet there were posters that just couldn't help themselves any ways. 

I frequent the social forum here & there too. That always helps to balance out the negative vs positive.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I get where you're coming from. I think that TAM can be very negative. I have learned a lot from TAM though and have definitely applied it to my relationship with my husband. My marriage, I believe, has gotten better and I truly think TAM is the reason for that. Now, will it stay better or continue to improve? That remains to be seen but at least I have some knowledge on how to handle certain situations/issues.
> 
> A lot of new posters are scared away pretty quickly. There was a post on another thread not too long ago that said something about people bullying betrayed spouses on here. Mainly because anything less than divorce is considered weak and the constant drum beat of that is tiring. I completely agree with that. There are so many posters that automatically start in on the "Divorce him/her" right away and never let up. On another thread, the OP flat out said that she didn't want advice but yet there were posters that just couldn't help themselves any ways.
> 
> I frequent the social forum here & there too. That always helps to balance out the negative vs positive.


I agree. I remember that thread.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Read your very first post/thread and pay attention to the responses that gave you good advice, even if you weren't ready to hear it at the time. I'm a believer of pay it forward, but I don't post nearly as often as I used to. So stepping back is healthy.


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