# Dealing with mixed signals...



## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

It's been over 3 weeks since my ex-fiance moved out. We still talk, she e-mails me from time to time during the work day and will text me once in a while on the weekends. She invited me over to her new apartment last week...it was kind of sad and awkward. Had a couple big hugs when I left and she thanked me for coming to see her and that she misses me.

But like I said, it was somewhat weird. She kinda rushed me out after about an hour and on a couple of other days has said that she'd like me to come over if she can get some of her personal stuff done only to basically blow me off.

I'm growing weary of this. I confronted her once last week and asked her if she wanted to officially break up and move on with our lives and she came up with her typical "I don't know how I feel, I need more time" line. I've told her a million times I'm not going to be friends with her after this ends...I feel like she is trying to keep me around as a friend right now but obviously not making any effort to make me a priority in her life at the moment.

I'm actually doing pretty good all things considered on my own again...hanging out with friends a lot and just doing my own thing. No wallowing at home in my own sadness, although there are still tough moments from time to time. More than anything, I feel like this is dragging on and wearing me thin. There is no way I can totally move on while I feel like she is still leaving things open. But it brings massive frustration right now.

I've thought about telling her straight-up, "if you intend to keep me in your life, you better start sending me some signals that you don't want to lose me, or else, you will"...that kinda thing. I'm to the point where if I say that, it's definitely not a bluff...I'm willing to accept the consequences of taking action. I don't want this to drag on, I feel like maybe I am getting suckered into the friend zone while she decides whether I am still the guy she wants.

But on the other hand, part of me thinks "well, it hasn't even been a month yet, she's gradually started to talk to me more and more...maybe I just need to stay busy, not freak out right now that she hasn't just like jumped back into my arms and just give her the time and space she obviously needs right now". She left because she needed time and space away from me and perhaps at this point, giving her an ultimatum or feeling hurt because she has yet to fully include me back into her life is just a sign of weakness on my part still.

Thoughts? Suggestions?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

RC,

I think the latter. Just give her space and do what you are doing for yourself. I don't what her issues are with you or yours with her, but act like you are fine.


----------



## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

BTW...ordered a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" btw...none of the local bookstores had it so I am eagerly awaiting it.

It's funny, my relationship has probably been a classic case.

1) Gorgeous and beautiful if somewhat high-maintanence and flirty girl meets cute, handsome Mr. Nice. He fills every need she thinks she has and she makes him feel like a million bucks when they are together. Instant love, instantly unseparable. She wants everything he does for her, he wants to feel great with her and nothing makes him feel better than making her happy.

2) The "always there for her" niceness begins to wear on her. She still wants it all, but his eagerness to please has become...unexciting. Romance suffers and she begins to lose respect for the guy. Feeling this, he feels like he has to try even harder.

3) She finally resorts to what is tatamount to emotional affairs. He finds out, confronts her and she throws it back in his face saying she's never actually cheated on him and he needs to stop worrying about what she is doing. Which in actuality just makes him more preoccupied with it.

4) He makes changes in his life but it is too late, the passion is gone and she leaves, saying she needs the space to get herself back.

And now, of course, is the hard part...


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Let her go!


----------



## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

Sounds like my husband at the moment. He had an EA too, told me recently in counselling that part of the reason that he didn't want us to get back together was because he'd resent me because he couldn't be friends with her anymore (even though she wants nothing to do with him anyway). He's hot and cold, paying me loads of attention lately, sending texts all the time calling me up 'just to chat cos he was thinking of me' but not once does he tell me he loves me or even a kiss at the end of a text, talk about mixed signals hey. You need to concentrate on yourself, honestly my Husband was my whole world, we never had any problems (until the EA) and we were always so happy and content and in love with each other, life was pure bliss for a whole 8 years and then this, but I can't just sit dwelling on things, like you I am keeping busy and spending time with friends and just concentrating on myself. This will have one of two consequences, it will either make my husband realise that I dont' NEED him to be happy (although obviously I'm happier with him) and maybe scare him into thinking '**** what am I doing' or it will prepare me for the worse and make me strong enough to deal with it if and when that time may come. Look after yourself, reassure your 'ex-fiance' that you love her and are willing to forgive her (with a lot of hard work on her part) and just let her know that although you're willing to be friends at the moment while things are up in the air, if and when she makes her decision final then you can't be her friend. I've told my husband the same, for the time being while we're waiting for our counselling session and while he's still very much confused I'll be there for him and will enjoy spending time with him but after that I can't be his friend, I can't watch him bring someone else into his life. I'll always be part of his life because his parents and brothers and sisters have become my family but that will be as far as it goes. Be strong and look after yourself. 'Hope for the best but expect the worse and you can't lose'.


----------

