# Time to change life's direction



## wetfootwilly (Jul 3, 2014)

I'm in quite a situation. I have known for awhile I wanted a change in direction in my life at some point. This point came earlier than anticipated. I have open Pandora box and fell in love with a long time friend where a mutual attraction has been in place for a long time...no action on that attraction until lately. Due to circumstances the flood gates opened and I went from liking a lot to loving this person with my whole heart. I am 56 and she is widowed 8 years. My present relationship is a brother/sister one and we get along ok but I have no affection feelings towards my wife at all. My friend does not want to be a mistress. She will not do that and I could not handle this avenue either. Too stressful... don't want to be sneaky... 28 years married 1 17 yr old daughter at home...
I look at things this way... I have maybe 30 years left if i'm lucky.....I don't want to go anywhere with my wife, really don't want to do much at all with her.... visit people etc. long story why not but I don't ....I always have the lead role and would like to share it a bit more. The woman I want to be with and do things with is someone else. Another problem.... my wife has a disability.... eye sight.... she is not blind.... cant drive ( this has been for quite some time) she functions very well... and as well my sister-in-law has now moved in with us due to terminal cancer. I have been very moody lately....the person I love and want to spend my remaining life with may be gone if I don't act soon I'm afraid...I know there is no good time to do this thing and I feel if I don't act now I will be stuck in a life where I be miserable then die. what a story ....bit more to it but that's the jist..... I have decided to end everything now but thought about the net to see your advice


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're going to destroy the person you swore to love and care the most for in the world.... Your wife deserves better than you. And your friend must not be worth much either or she wouldn't mess witha married man. Divorce your wife. You and your "true love" deserve each other.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If your marriage is not acceptable to you, divorce your wife. That's it. Either your marriage is acceptable for you to stay, or it is not.

Don't make this decision based on what other women you might know or might have a relationship with. You have no idea if that relationship will work out or not. After you divorce your wife you should take 6 or 12 months to get yourself grounded before you enter into any romantic relationships.


----------



## wetfootwilly (Jul 3, 2014)

Yes as I stated before I have not been happy emotionally in my marriage for some time....I believe my wife will find someone else who will really give her the love she deserves.... she is a very nice and kind person.... I know I will cause pain but I'm not doing any one much justice with my present disposition...evinrude 58 I can understand your comments however every persons situation changes throughout their life and I need and have found a person who will give me the companionship I desire. I do not want to do anything with my wife socially etc. we are just living our lives doing our own things without much interaction and absolutely no affection not to mention sex. My intentions, prior to making a misstep was to end my marriage due to the above reasons but as things have happened before their time and here I am.


----------



## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

I just find it sad for your wife that you've been unhappy for some time and pick this time to think about leaving. Hope you're leaving for the right reasons bc I don't know anyone that has left someone for another and have it work out well. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you leave your wife for this other woman and it doesn't work out the way you think it will, what will you think about your decision?

This is why you have to separate the two relationships in the decision process. Either your marriage is acceptable or not. It is not perfect, but is it good enough for you to stay? If so, go all in. Make it the best it can be. If your marriage is not acceptable, and if you have no hope of it becoming acceptable soon, then end the marriage.

Your relationship with this other woman may or may not work out. The statistics say 3% chance that an affair partner works out. You might be part of that 3% but the chances are enormously against it.

Would you bet your future happiness on 3% odds of success vs 97% chance of failure?

So eliminate this other woman from your calculations on your marriage. Evaluate the marriage on its own merits.


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I hope if you go through with this karma bites you in the ass. Because everything you're saying is from the cheater's handbook. I love you but I'm not in love with you.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The problem is once you started to invest emotionally into another person all you will see is the problems with your current wife. Aside from her medical issues almost everything you wrote you had an equal part in, they aren’t soley your wifes problems. 

Your choice is simple either you invest the time and effort into trying to salvage your current marriage or divorce so you can chase a new life. You believing your wife will find someone else etc is a cop-out on your part, yes she deserves better and you owed her enough respect to at least divorce before you found someone else and you didnt. 

You want what you want at least own the decision.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your friend doesn't want to be a mistress and you don't want that kind of relationship either BUT....you are already there. Once you spent enough time together to become emotionally invested with each other it became an affair, you can play semantics all you want but you are having an affair.

You are miserable in your marriage, that can be ended and probably should be ended, yes there will be pain and suffering, but most times people heal. But realize that your lover girl may not be the perfect woman you think she is, she may not make you happy day to day or long term. Right now you are emotionally needy and you have attached yourself to this woman thinking she is everything your wife isn't, and maybe you two are a great match, but you really need to be looking at the future with a clear head and not thru an affair fog.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like your marriage has been over for some time, and you have stayed out of habit and perhaps duty. End it, and then see what life brings, but make the choice using the assumption that this OW won't be part of it (that will work itself out after you've taken the action you need to).


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

If you were not already emotionally involved with another woman my attitude would be okay if you are that unhappy then leave..however as you are emotionally involved with someone else to me that puts it in a different light because you are viewing this other person as some kind of a perfect person. She is not I am sure and has flaws, etc. like the rest of us. I just think that it is too easy to be negative about your current wife when you are viewing someone else in a golden halo kind of way.

Plus there is something about a person who gets involved emotionally/physically with someone else knowing they are married...kind of a turn off in my opinion.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

wetfootwilly- Welcome to TAM, sorry you're here. Let's get started.

You're 56, so you're not some young, lovesick fool. You're old enough to know that life can hand you lemons as well as sugary fruit drinks.

So here are a few things that you need to ponder before you initiate divorce proceedings.

First you need to understand that while you are a unique person, your situation is NOT unique at all. Go read the stories in the Coping With Infidelity section and you will find that other people have walked in your shoes. You will also discover where that trail leads to.

Second, as others have observed, you need to separate the two relationships out in order to work on either one of them. If Ms. "Won't Be a Mistress" is truly the soulmate you think she is, she should be HAPPY to step away from things for a few months while you tie up loose ends.

What's that? You don't like that idea? Yeah, see, this is a case of where your subconscious is yelling at you about "being alone" and "losing your true love," and if you dig a little deeper, this is one of the rare instances where your "instincts" are not steering your behavior properly.

Third, I suggest a thought experiment. This will require pen and paper, so get ready to write stuff down.

Sit down and imagine if your wife could perfectly fulfill your needs. How would that be different from today? Okay, now write those things down. They don't have to be fair, or require any changes from you, they just need to be somewhere outside your skull in the light of day.

So now that you've got that list, go over it critically, and see which things your wife could actually change. For instance, she probably can't do anything about vision loss, but she is probably physically capable of satisfying your fantasy of her dressing up like a circus clown and covering you with whipped cream* (*note: substitute "your" actual real fantasy as necessary, circus clown with whipped cream is default setting).

The point here is that communication has broken down in your marriage and is probably fix-able. This could lead to a better, healthier marriage.

Fourth, your 17-year old may not think that your "search for emotional support in the arms of a new woman while leaving Mom in the ditch" is all that admirable of a life strategy. In fact, she may HATE YOUR GUTS. Having your kid HATE YOUR GUTS is not a fantastic relationship state to have in your life.

Fifth, you may not think very much of your wife right now, but she has shown that she's there for you over the long term. Your marriage may not be ideal, but that might be as much from your end as from hers. You have maybe 30 good years ahead of you.

Wouldn't it be funny if you threw away a perfectly good and decent woman to be with some other lady, and that NEW relationship actually DIDN'T WORK OUT, and you spent those last 30 years in bitter regret, estranged from your child, searching desperately for a way to recreate the love you had before?

Yeah, I don't think that would be funny, either, but that's where you're headed.


----------

