# Secretary (the movie)



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

So who has seen this, and what is your reaction?

I know between me and my wife, as far as to say what external influences in pop culture have been some sort of watershed moment to me as to the man I am today, this movie is up there near the top.

My wife was the one to initiate watching this together, and be sure I was uncomfortable at first, to see of course on the surface how much is inappropriate between relationships between a boss and subordinate, among other things.

But my wife encouraged me, so much with her behavior and even her silence and especially her reaction afterwards to my behavior, to not miss the deeper message in this movie, that so much of modern love story movies is full of a monochromatic view of affection and it is indeed proper, in many relationships, to explore other expressions of affection, maybe stronger and maybe darker, but even so maybe more honest on some levels. That is very appealing to me.

So to see, very much this movie dealing with the dominant man, emotional walls, the "nice guy" scenario, the relationship between sexual attraction and emotional connection, etc etc.

So you can see maybe in my enthusiasm I can type so much as to some of some of these relationship issues that are addressed head on by this movie.

Of course, it is not for everyone, and those with maybe a conservative viewpoint maybe will not be open to the deeper message, I am aware not everyone is open to these things.

Actually what brought this to my mind, if you will excuse the tangent, is there is a scene where Mr. Grey tells Ms. Holloway over the phone, very specifically how much potatoes and peas and ice cream she is to eat at her dinner at home, and her reaction to this is very enthusiastic and erotic. 

This is maybe confusion at first to many men and women, but know just yesterday, my wife is to meet some other woman for coffee, someone she is not too enthused to meet and is more of a social grace and obligation. And she is showing some stress over this meeting.

So what do I do, but calmly and with a stare into her eyes, tell her just what kind of coffee to order and how to fix it with just a certin amount of cream and natural sugar, and even to only enjoy 1 refill.

This may sound shoking to some, I understand believe me, but see the reaction before you are judging. 

The look in her eyes is priceless, for the emotion and stress melted, and know during this coffee meeting she did exactly as I suggested, to her pleasure, and came back from this meeting practically ready to undress and reward me right then and there!

For the whole time she is feeling my presence, my connection, even though I am not there with her, and even something so small yet so bold as to tell her what to enjoy, understand the fire inside her that was lit. This is because of the emotional connection that was created by this simple but bold action on my part.

So I give credit where credit is due, to acknowledge those who communicate these beneficial and sexual and emotional lessons in movies and film, even among the noise of so many run of the mill romance films, to find a nugget of gold in the movie Secretary.

But for those that maybe have seen this movie, what did you think? To you was it stating the obvious, or perhaps so radical it meant very little to you?

I am planning to get this movie again, to watch it now again years later with my wife, to see with our eyes today maybe something new.

I am curious to the thoughts of others at this board. 

 Offsite link to IMDB Trailer of Secretary


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

BigBadWolf said:


> But my wife encouraged me, so much with her behavior and even her silence and especially her reaction afterwards to my behavior, to not miss the deeper message in this movie, that so much of modern love story movies is full of a monochromatic view of affection and it is indeed proper, in many relationships, to explore other expressions of affection, maybe stronger and maybe darker, but even so maybe more honest on some levels. That is very appealing to me.


My h and I have watched this, and I still have no desire to be spanked! Seriously, though, I completely agree that on a more general level, sharing this with your spouse can be a way to generate dialogue to explore other things, even if dominance is not one's cup of tea.

Generally speaking, many women are conditioned to not speak openly about sex, and men understandably are left worried that if they suggest something different, will their wife will be receptive, look at them as if they've lost their mind or be on the receiving end of the frying pan? I guess if I were a guy in this position, I wouldn't pop this into the dvd player.

But my take: while some scenes of this film were more disturbing than erotic for me, the overall sexual tension was still very much present.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish said:


> or be on the receiving end of the frying pan?


What if that's his fetish??


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, that would be a perfect match, then!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I do remember the female character was unstable (cutting) and the lead male character didn't exactly seem like an image of mental health either.

I thought it was both erotic and disturbing, but ultimately I thought it seemed more about the intersection of these two people - both with significant issues - problems that seemed to complement each other. 

I find it hard to translate this to the general population in a reasonable way given the "damaged" nature of the two main characters.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

swedish said:


> My h and I have watched this, and I still have no desire to be spanked!


I am still holding out hope for you! 



> Seriously, though, I completely agree that on a more general level, sharing this with your spouse can be a way to generate dialogue to explore other things, even if dominance is not one's cup of tea.


Exactly my point of this thread, is this movie or something similar of some use to relationships that can use such a nudge, so to say, to explore something very new and different?

I'm thinking out loud, but really how common is it?

I know on this forum I may come across rather one dimensional with the spanking and dominance, but that is only because to me in my relationship it has proven the gateway to a simple and blissful and erotic solution to a great many mysteries.

But the mystery I have, even with my wife, and what you have mentioned below, she is very much not inclined to speak of these things in words, and even so is more inclined to beat around the bush and leave me to take the hints to action. 

And then when I do, is she then free to express how she is really feeling, but it is usually after the fact, after I have taken some risk and initiative. 

ANd believe me, I have taken some risks!



> Generally speaking, many women are conditioned to not speak openly about sex, and men understandably are left worried that if they suggest something different, will their wife will be receptive, look at them as if they've lost their mind or be on the receiving end of the frying pan? I guess if I were a guy in this position, I wouldn't pop this into the dvd player.


Much more than a frying pan, is the fear to be looked at as some pervert or weirdo, so much is also the man conditioned to keep his sexual appetites to his wife, how should I say, very reserved.

And this in my opinion is a tragedy.

And much like the other thread going on now about groping, as with spanking, very much whether it is merely a sexual appetite or the basis of a deeper emotional connection, that without the proper foundation in place, as the woman is feeling open and vulnerable and giving herself to her man, will the groping or spanking be received as erotic, or as an intrusion. This the importance of laying the proper foundation.

For there are times I am sure in the past, when I was young and naive and so much a "nice guy" and being reserved and dishonest about so many things between me and my wife, where if I were to spank my wife she would have been resentful, as she would have for much of the groping that yes I am notorious for doing. 

But understand now my wife's response to my groping, and even the spanking, is on the contrary to be seen as erotic, as her physical response is very telling. 

But do not try to get her to put these things into words, as she would be bashful and somewhat embarrassed, so much the feminie woman she is to not discuss these things out loud.



> But my take: while some scenes of this film were more disturbing than erotic for me, the overall sexual tension was still very much present.


I am opposed to a boss taking advantage of the subordinate, on that would have to overlook, otherwise this movie to me is incredible.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> What if that's his fetish??


Then he needs to pursue his appetites, no?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> I do remember the female character was unstable (cutting) and the lead male character didn't exactly seem like an image of mental health either.


On this I would agree. 

I see cutting and the emotional instability as an easy way to excuse Ms. Holloway for being able to enter such a relationship without so much offending "normal" women.

But again, unfortunately I believe that cutting and emotional instability are also shadows of much more common afflictions, such as the symptoms of sexual abuse and insecurity and depression and self medication, that right or wrong or politically incorrect, are much much much more common that we as society will admit.



> I thought it was both erotic and disturbing, but ultimately I thought it seemed more about the intersection of these two people - both with significant issues - problems that seemed to complement each other.
> 
> I find it hard to translate this to the general population in a reasonable way given the "damaged" nature of the two main characters.


Exactly what I am hoping to discuss, is there a translation from this story to "normal" people?

For one, in my marriage I know there is much that would disturb most on this forum would I go into the details, but the point is, for the emotional and sexual eroticism that flows from such a relationship, is it out of bounds for "normal" people to explore?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What’s “normal”? Psychologists have definitions of “normal”. Well maybe not. Their definitions are more about what’s abnormal.

As long as you are happy with yourself and you do others no harm there ain’t no problem.

Bob


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't consider "cutting" as normal. And I think the intent of the movie was to display a very abnormal relationship between two "strange" people. Not just in terms of dom / sub, but also in how they found relief from life by using pain.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Me? I'm a hedonistic. I live and behave in ways that mean I get as much pleasure out of life as possible, according to the belief that the most important thing in life is to enjoy myself. I enjoy my dark times, they are there for a reason, I just have to listen and I enjoy my happiness and contentment.

Life comes with both pleasure and pain. Joy and happiness as well as sadness and despair. I once read and believe that the Man who hasn’t contemplated suicide hasn’t lived. I believe that. At the same time my life has been so enriched by other people I feel truly blessed.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I don't consider "cutting" as normal. And I think the intent of the movie was to display a very abnormal relationship between two "strange" people. Not just in terms of dom / sub, but also in how they found relief from life by using pain.


No it's not at all normal. I haven't seen the movie so shouldn't have commented.

Bob


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I loved that movie. It's mostly because I find James Spader yummy....

The female character stopped cutting herself when she was more deeply involved....it was as if the relationship cured her.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ok, i told my wife how to have her coffee this morning and she whacked me with a frying pan, is there still hope that she will undress?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lol...clearly not, you forgot to spank her!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

swedish said:


> lol...clearly not, you forgot to spank her!



dangit, my fault again


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Okay, really, this is simple. 

If you spanked her before the coffee, there would have been no frying pan.

If after the frying pan, still you did not spank her, then that is what we would chalk up to "missed opportunity".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

So the real question becomes "Did you enjoy the frying pan?"


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