# Newlywed Troubles



## mariangel00

resolved


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## DownByTheRiver

mariangel00 said:


> Hi everyone I need some advice. I’ve known my husband for 3 years before getting married only a month ago! And we’re having issues. My husband is awesome and we’re very similar in so many ways. But lately he’s been acting so annoying.
> 
> I like to sell stuff online so I spend my time cooking, cleaning and working. When he gets home from work he’s always grumpy. Then he constantly bugs me for attention. I cannot concentrate on what I need to get things done without him feeling like I’m abandoning him. He’s really needy. I tried talking to him about it a million times but he can’t get over it. And this time I told him that I’m really close to having a mental breakdown and consider myself emotionally done if he doesn’t just step back and let me do my thing. It’s very exhausting feeling like I have to constantly entertain him and make sure he’s not feeling bored or lonely. It’s possibly because he doesn’t have any hobbies or that we live in a small space. I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


Don't know how you got this far without knowing he had no hobbies and was needy, but I do know sometimes things can take you by surprise. I was friends with a guy working together 3 years and when he got a divorce, as soon as she moved out, he wanted to move someone right in, me in particular. I said no and he instead moved right next to me. I had no idea he was so needy that way. He had other interests that took up his time, but still...

You may have made a mistake. If this is how he is, don't know why he wasn't bugging you before you married, though. But yeah, you're smart to realize it's not going to change. He needs to get a life. 

I'm old and a friend of mine is too but got a boyfriend a few years ago she's known for decades and all of a sudden, he wanted her around 24/7. He's underemployed and a huge cheapskate to boot (but she's frugal so doesn't mind that too much). She would tell him she just wanted to do "date" one day on the weekend, and he would disregard her and just come over bearing a bean burrito or something to make her feel like a grinch if she ran him off (she's easily manipulated that way). She is a person with interests and likes to read and likes to do gardening and art, so she wants her personal time. Anyway, she stayed with him, but she had to really come down on him hard to keep him away through the week, but I know he still comes uninvited because she and I only get together twice a year now, on birthdays, and he's been waiting sitting on the curb each time at her house. Sigh. I just couldn't put up with that. I wouldn't want to be married to it. 

I have an old bf I love, but he talks too much (now that I'm old -- I lapped it up when I was young and in one-way love with him, of course), so decades later, there were some moves by him but I knew I'd never be able to work with him in the house and that he'd work my nerves after not too long. I work mainly at home. So I declined. I mean, you can't leave the room because he never takes a breath. It's sad that there are people you love but just can't live with, isn't it?

When this is going to become a serious problem is once you have a kid. He's going to be needier than ever and jealous of the kid getting all your attention. You'll be tired of the child pawing you for attention after an exhausting day and then your husband doing the same for attention from you. That's when it's destined to explode. 

I'm gathering you don't have a job but only sell things online? So you could provide yourself some relief by simply getting a full-time job, preferably starting shift when he's just coming home, but that's not much of a marriage if you just have to avoid them. 

Only you can decide if you can't live with it and are willing to quit over it. I would definitely not be able to handle it. But that's me. Only you know what you can deal with. I mean, again, he's gone all day, so you have that time to yourself. Or does he text you constantly too? You've got to devote some time to him, but it shouldn't be like babysitting -- and being with someone with no hobbies/interests to amuse themselves would get very boring very fast. Hope you come up with a solution.


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## mariangel00

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't know how you got this far without knowing he had no hobbies and was needy, but I do know sometimes things can take you by surprise. I was friends with a guy working together 3 years and when he got a divorce, as soon as she moved out, he wanted to move someone right in, me in particular. I said no and he instead moved right next to me. I had no idea he was so needy that way. He had other interests that took up his time, but still...
> 
> You may have made a mistake. If this is how he is, don't know why he wasn't bugging you before you married, though. But yeah, you're smart to realize it's not going to change. He needs to get a life.
> 
> I'm old and a friend of mine is too but got a boyfriend a few years ago she's known for decades and all of a sudden, he wanted her around 24/7. He's underemployed and a huge cheapskate to boot (but she's frugal so doesn't mind that too much). She would tell him she just wanted to do "date" one day on the weekend, and he would disregard her and just come over bearing a bean burrito or something to make her feel like a grinch if she ran him off (she's easily manipulated that way). She is a person with interests and likes to read and likes to do gardening and art, so she wants her personal time. Anyway, she stayed with him, but she had to really come down on him hard to keep him away through the week, but I know he still comes uninvited because she and I only get together twice a year now, on birthdays, and he's been waiting sitting on the curb each time at her house. Sigh. I just couldn't put up with that. I wouldn't want to be married to it.
> 
> I have an old bf I love, but he talks too much (now that I'm old -- I lapped it up when I was young and in one-way love with him, of course), so decades later, there were some moves by him but I knew I'd never be able to work with him in the house and that he'd work my nerves after not too long. I work mainly at home. So I declined. I mean, you can't leave the room because he never takes a breath. It's sad that there are people you love but just can't live with, isn't it?
> 
> When this is going to become a serious problem is once you have a kid. He's going to be needier than ever and jealous of the kid getting all your attention. You'll be tired of the child pawing you for attention after an exhausting day and then your husband doing the same for attention from you. That's when it's destined to explode.
> 
> I'm gathering you don't have a job but only sell things online? So you could provide yourself some relief by simply getting a full-time job, preferably starting shift when he's just coming home, but that's not much of a marriage if you just have to avoid them.
> 
> Only you can decide if you can't live with it and are willing to quit over it. I would definitely not be able to handle it. But that's me. Only you know what you can deal with. I mean, again, he's gone all day, so you have that time to yourself. Or does he text you constantly too? You've got to devote some time to him, but it shouldn't be like babysitting -- and being with someone with no hobbies/interests to amuse themselves would get very boring very fast. Hope you come up with a solution.


Thank you for sharing. My husband is needy but he’s not crazy. He’s gone for most of the day because he works over time. He doesn’t have any specific hobbies at the moment that he can work on because we don’t have the space for it. He doesn’t text me constantly just checks up on me. The only problem is that when he comes from work he wants to spend every second with me until we go to bed. I love spending time with him but I also like being productive. He really beats himself up when I get upset and he tries his best not to annoy me but sometimes his neediness overpowers him. I’m not worried about when we have children because he’s probably gonna go bother them for attention 😂 he just likes spending time with someone when he’s bored. He use to just hanging out with his friends or parents.


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## ccpowerslave

I take it you didn’t live together before you got married?


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## ElwoodPDowd

mariangel00 said:


> I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


You've just had 'space' for the entire day while he was at work (10hrs?), how much more time do you need alone?
I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect your company for the 3hrs(?) between coming home and going to bed.


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## mariangel00

ccpowerslave said:


> I take it you didn’t live together before you got married?


We did but for a short time


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## mariangel00

ElwoodPDowd said:


> You've just had 'space' for the entire day while he was at work, how much more time do you need alone?


You’re right. I’m a single child. I’m used to being alone and by myself most of time.


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## mariangel00

ElwoodPDowd said:


> You've just had 'space' for the entire day while he was at work (10hrs?), how much more time do you need alone?
> I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect your company for the 3hrs(?) between coming home and going to bed.


Actually 5 hours and he wakes up extremely early so I’m asleep for some of that time. The thing is when I work online it sometimes require some days where I have to work from morning to night time and I just don’t have the time for giving him attention. It’s not an everyday thing but on days where I get new merchandise I spend entire days updating all my shops. All I want him is to understand that. He has me for the whole weekend.


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## ElwoodPDowd

mariangel00 said:


> All I want him is to understand that. He has me for the whole weekend.


I'd suggest,
Drag him into bed the moment he gets home and have sex (15 minutes?).
He will then fall asleep and you can spend the rest of your evening doing whatever you like.


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## D0nnivain

The 1st year of marriage is hard. You are learning to function as a unit. That takes compromise. Yes he needs to be less needy but you need to be more generous with your time. What's more important to you, finishing some sales transaction right then & there or the man you just professed to love , honor & cherish 'til death do you part? You don't have to be a 1950s housewife who greets her man at the door with a martini to tell him dinner will be ready in 30 minutes & can you get his slippers but would it really kill you to stop what you are doing for an hour to spend time with him & let him de-stress? You can go back to your computer after dinner. Sure inventory is important but not as important as your husband. Your business won't visit you in the hospital, hug you when you are sad, celebrate when things are good or dry your tears.


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## ccpowerslave

mariangel00 said:


> How do I explain this to him?


So how long is the overlap he has with you on a typical weekday when you’re both awake?


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## mariangel00

D0nnivain said:


> the 1st year or marriage is hard. You are learning to function as a unit. That takes compromise. Yes he needs to be less needy but you need to be more generous with your time. What's more important to you, finishing some sales transaction right then & there or the man you just professed to love , honor & cherish 'til death do you part? You don't have to be a 1950s housewife who greets her man at the door with a martini to tell him dinner will be ready in 30 minutes & can you get his slippers but would it really kill you to stop what you are doing for an hour to spend time with him & let him de-stress? You can go back to your computer after dinner.


You’re right I do try to look at it that way because I love my husband and sometimes I get needy with him too. But when I’m focused I like to be left alone specially when it’s only for a short time longer. I just hope it’s something he can comprise with.


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## mariangel00

ccpowerslave said:


> So how long is the overlap he has with you on a typical weekday when you’re both awake?


He works 5-4:30 and we go to bed at 9


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## D0nnivain

mariangel00 said:


> You’re right I do try to look at it that way because I love my husband and sometimes I get needy with him too. But when I’m focused I like to be left alone specially when it’s only for a short time longer. I just hope it’s something he can comprise with.


If you can stop & be attentive to him more days then not, on the rare occasion when you have to delay time with him to finish something he should be more understanding but when he's 2nd fiddle every day, you will destroy your marriage. 

I'm an only child too who was used to being alone. It took me about a year to get used to having DH always be there. Once I made the switch, I wouldn't have it any other way.


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## ccpowerslave

mariangel00 said:


> He works 5-4:30 and we go to bed at 9


So if you ask/tell him to leave you alone, how much time do you spend with him? On an average weekday I spend between 2-3h with my wife.


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## DownByTheRiver

How would you feel if he came home and just started playing video games and not paying attention to you like happened so often and you hear that all the time on these forums? Does he ever just go get on his computer and play video games or something? I mean that would drive me crazy if someone did that but what I'm saying is maybe you should get him an Xbox if he doesn't already have it. But then you two might never get to spend any time together between your hobby and his gaming.


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## coquille

mariangel00 said:


> Hi everyone I need some advice. I’ve known my husband for 3 years before getting married only a month ago! And we’re having issues. My husband is awesome and we’re very similar in so many ways. But lately he’s been acting so annoying.
> 
> I like to sell stuff online so I spend my time cooking, cleaning and working. When he gets home from work he’s always grumpy. Then he constantly bugs me for attention. I cannot concentrate on what I need to get things done without him feeling like I’m abandoning him. He’s really needy. I tried talking to him about it a million times but he can’t get over it. And this time I told him that I’m really close to having a mental breakdown and consider myself emotionally done if he doesn’t just step back and let me do my thing. It’s very exhausting feeling like I have to constantly entertain him and make sure he’s not feeling bored or lonely. It’s possibly because he doesn’t have any hobbies or that we live in a small space. I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


I think you both need to restructure your time so that you reach an agreement that is satisfying to each of you. You are learning to live together as a couple, and it is expected that you run into some sort of conflict, but I don't think it's reasonable that you label your husband needy because he wants to spend time with you after he comes back from work. Try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you react if you came home to a husband who wants to spend the evening in front of his computer? At the same time, he cannot expect to spend every waking hour with you.

I suggest that you try to finish your work before he comes home, and if you are not done working, you can do it the next day. You do want to spend some time at least with your husband on a daily basis. If spending all the time between 4:30 and 9pm is too much for you, why not help him find some activity he can do by himself? Why not suggest that he join a gym, a reading club, or take tennis lessons, for example? these hobbies do not require space at home and they are healthy. At the same time, you need to realize that the lifestyle you had when you were single cannot possibly be maintained now that you live with your husband. You need to spend time with him, and if you get along well as you say, this shouldn't sound like a duty, but something you look forward to every evening. From your OP, it sounds like you loathe spending time with him. Is it the case? You've been married for a month only and you haven't lived together for a long time before you got married, so learn to enjoy spending time with him by doing activities together as well.


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## mariangel00

coquille said:


> I think you both need to restructure your time so that you reach an agreement that is satisfying to each of you. You are learning to live together as a couple, and it is expected that you run into some sort of conflict, but I don't think it's reasonable that you label your husband needy because he wants to spend time with you after he comes back from work. Try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you react if you came home to a husband who wants to spend the evening in front of his computer? At the same time, he cannot expect to spend every waking hour with you.
> 
> I suggest that you try to finish your work before he comes home, and if you are not done working, you can do it the next day. You do want to spend some time at least with your husband on a daily basis. If spending all the time between 4:30 and 9pm is too much for you, why not help him find some activity he can do by himself? Why not suggest that he join a gym, a reading club, or take tennis lessons, for example? these hobbies do not require space at home and they are healthy. At the same time, you need to realize that the lifestyle you had when you were single cannot possibly be maintained now that you live with your husband. You need to spend time with him, and if you get along well as you say, this shouldn't sound like a duty, but something you look forward to every evening. From your OP, it sounds like you loathe spending time with him. Is it the case? You've been married for a month only and you haven't lived together for a long time before you got married, so learn to enjoy spending time with him by doing activities together as well.


Thank you for the advice. I don’t loathe spending time with him at all. I just like getting things done when I start something but I will try to be more understanding of his needs.


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## Nailhead

mariangel00 said:


> Hi everyone I need some advice. I’ve known my husband for 3 years before getting married only a month ago! And we’re having issues. My husband is awesome and we’re very similar in so many ways. But lately he’s been acting so annoying.
> 
> I like to sell stuff online so I spend my time cooking, cleaning and working. When he gets home from work he’s always grumpy. Then he constantly bugs me for attention. I cannot concentrate on what I need to get things done without him feeling like I’m abandoning him. He’s really needy. I tried talking to him about it a million times but he can’t get over it. And this time I told him that I’m really close to having a mental breakdown and consider myself emotionally done if he doesn’t just step back and let me do my thing. It’s very exhausting feeling like I have to constantly entertain him and make sure he’s not feeling bored or lonely. It’s possibly because he doesn’t have any hobbies or that we live in a small space. I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


Your thing should be your husband first. Everything else is secondary. When he comes home you should spend time with undivided attention. Then let him know you have things to do.


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## mariangel00

Nailhead said:


> Your thing should be your husband first. Everything else is secondary. When he comes home you should spend time with undivided attention. Then let him know you have things to do.


I will try this thank you. I love my husband and want to make him happy.


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## uphillbattle

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'd suggest,
> Drag him into bed the moment he gets home and have sex (15 minutes?).
> He will then fall asleep and you can spend the rest of your evening doing whatever you like.


try this a couple of times and see how it works out for you.


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## Al_Bundy

Have you looked into some automation or a VA to free up some of your time?


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## Nailhead

mariangel00 said:


> I will try this thank you. I love my husband and want to make him happy.


And you watch, your husband will reciprocate in kind. It happened in my marriage the day I realized my wife should always come first. That included my kids, job and anything else. My wife reciprocated in kind. It took our marriage to another level.


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## Wolfman1968

mariangel00 said:


> Hi everyone I need some advice. I’ve known my husband for 3 years before getting married only a month ago! And we’re having issues. My husband is awesome and we’re very similar in so many ways. But lately he’s been acting so annoying.
> 
> I like to sell stuff online so I spend my time cooking, cleaning and working. When he gets home from work he’s always grumpy. Then he constantly bugs me for attention. I cannot concentrate on what I need to get things done without him feeling like I’m abandoning him. He’s really needy. I tried talking to him about it a million times but he can’t get over it. And this time I told him that I’m really close to having a mental breakdown and consider myself emotionally done if he doesn’t just step back and let me do my thing. It’s very exhausting feeling like I have to constantly entertain him and make sure he’s not feeling bored or lonely. It’s possibly because he doesn’t have any hobbies or that we live in a small space. I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


OK, let me be clear on this. Is this online work your main job? Or are you saying you have an outside job and this online activity is more of a hobby or side gig for you?

Either way, it really struck me that you've only been married one month, yet you put your husband below your online activities. Typically, the first months of marriage is when a couple is more dedicated toward each other. I don't see your willingness to put your new husband at such a low priority as a good sign.

It is said over and over that on their deathbed, "no one wishes they had spent more time at the office." Is it your online activity really so important that it has to be done at that time, or are you able to end that work when your husband returns home? In other words, do you really HAVE to keep going when he returns, or do you WANT to keep going?

After a few years of marriage, we see so many ignored wives who wished that their husbands gave them more attention and involvement. You seem to have that, but don't want it. 

Are you sure you have your priorities in order?


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## frenchpaddy

we all have different ideas about what a good relationship is 
it looks like he likes to be the bread winner type man and he seems to want a wife that will meet him at the door dressed in a nice dress and happy to wait on him for the night , 

these ideas are built into him and you have to show him that your time is important as well , i am not saying you should not give him time as well 
you have to look and what is needing to be done when he is home and how he can help you and you him 
and if the time you spending on these other things are worth while ,

i know some wifes that spend a lot of time doing low paid crafts when they would be better off taking a job outside the home 

he might not appreciate the work you are doing as well , so you have to show him you not just sitting on you bumb all day , 

sorry for the short responce , i have a lot on at this time


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## frenchpaddy

and i forgot he has a hobby , 
his hobby is you ,


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## Diana7

mariangel00 said:


> Hi everyone I need some advice. I’ve known my husband for 3 years before getting married only a month ago! And we’re having issues. My husband is awesome and we’re very similar in so many ways. But lately he’s been acting so annoying.
> 
> I like to sell stuff online so I spend my time cooking, cleaning and working. When he gets home from work he’s always grumpy. Then he constantly bugs me for attention. I cannot concentrate on what I need to get things done without him feeling like I’m abandoning him. He’s really needy. I tried talking to him about it a million times but he can’t get over it. And this time I told him that I’m really close to having a mental breakdown and consider myself emotionally done if he doesn’t just step back and let me do my thing. It’s very exhausting feeling like I have to constantly entertain him and make sure he’s not feeling bored or lonely. It’s possibly because he doesn’t have any hobbies or that we live in a small space. I wish he would back off and understand I like my space. How do I explain this to him?


If you are at home all day cleaning, cooking and selling stuff on line, why cant you then be attentive to him once he gets home? Why can't that be your together time?


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## Diana7

mariangel00 said:


> He works 5-4:30 and we go to bed at 9


Wow he has a very long working day poor man.


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