# HELP--need man's perspective on this before I really overreact & lose my mind



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Help me please, I'm pregnant and really feel like I'm spinning out of control with what just happened...


We were on the deck, I saw husband's phone ring/vibrate, he turned to look at who called and put phone away. 

I asked him, did your phone ring? 

He said no, I was looking at my watch. 

Then I said oh ok, it looked like your phone. 

He said yeah it was my phone, the alarm is going off for some reason. 

I said...ummm, ok. Then let me see your phone. 

And he responded, "Ok fine, someone called from work. I don't know who, I just didn't want to acknowledge it" 

So I replied, Why would you lie about it? What's the big deal?

He said "I don't know, I know you always get annoyed/mad with anyone where I work so I just would rather avoid it" Then said go ahead and play the voicemail...

So I played it, it was a woman just asking him to call him at work.

He said I can call right now in front of you...so he did on speaker, she asked about something that needed to be made in the lab, he said it was done already and told her where to find it and that was it. I truly don't think it was anything more BUT WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?

I should explain a little backstory here to help you. In the past husband has always been a bit more antisocial/quiet/reserved and after a year or two of working where he is he finally started to talk to people more at work. There always seemed to be more women that he worked with that are our age, not his fault but annoying to me. A few he became more friendly with and I wasn't annoyed too much except a few times. One he became friendlier with and kept looking at her FB page, I got annoyed with that and he stopped...I asked him not to be friends with her and he did...or so I thought. They weren't great friends but they were still friends and I only found out at a kids party when she waved him over when we our family arrived. I said "why would she do that?" and didn't like the gut feeling I had...he finally admitted that they were still friends, not like before but still talked just at work etc. After that we went to counseling, he started reading 'hedges' and 'no more mr nice guy'...but never finished them. After several months of counseling and working on communication I felt like we were better than ever, much stronger etc. Now 1yr later this happens....WHY WHY WHY?

I left the deck, came inside and am just sitting in our room. He came in here and said he's so sorry, he doesn't know why he did it, he just did and he doesn't blame me for not trusting him now, that he wouldn't trust me now either. He said there's absolutely nothing to lie about but he did for some reason because he feels like work/his coworkers always cause arguments between us so he'd rather just avoid it all together... (BTW, the person who called tonight is NOT the person who he was friends with before if that makes a difference) 

My gut feeling? I believe what he's saying but how can I continue to build on something when he lies about something so small? I'm sitting here crying...I just LEFT MY JOB because we're due with our 2nd child soon (we planned on me leaving, taking time for kid 2). I told him to go finish eating dinner w/kid 1...I'm sitting here HATING that he put me in this position. We JUST moved into a nice big house, I just left my job and we're due with our kid 2 soon and I want our kids lives to be awesome, NOT what we both had (parents fighting etc). 

Please help me, I don't know what to do...I told him I want the truth about everything or leave tonight. He said there is nothing else, he doesn't know why he did it but he will leave tonight because he hurt me. He said he just wanted me to be happy, especially while pregnant, that he didn't want any arguments so he just said it was nothing because it wasn't a big deal and he didn't want a potential fight. My gut does believe him, but my brain says, WHY WHY WHY? 

He's putting our kid to bed now (who is a toddler and doesn't know whats goes on BUT sees me crying and asked me if I'm ok) 

Please help!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Hmm part of me says, no big deal. Other part of me agrees, why lie then? Will he give you the phone and let you look thru the messages if its no big deal? can you see the billing for the phone and see if anything looks funny? Does he use your home cpu, that you can go back and look at its history? anything strange?
Are you really really just emotional from pregnancy and this is nothing? yes, no, all of the above, none of the above. But i'd start with getting some answers to those. then move on from there.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you tend to over react? That usually back fires and he's avoiding conflict with you. The fact that he played to voicemail and it was nothing makes me think he's just drained.
By the way I'm speaking from experience 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Sorry not a man, if you look for Richie33 post you may find some insight if you tend to over react.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

*HELP--need man's perspective on this before I really overreact &amp; lose my mind*

You sound WAY too controlling. Do you really want a guys perspective? 

Honestly, most guys just want a peaceful existence with their wives. When you go flying off the handle and telling your husband to leave over an innocent phone call it makes you out to be crazy. And dudes don't like crazy.

When you react the way you did you make your husband walk on egg shells. That is the worst feeling for a man. It makes him avoid conflict and not want to be in a relationship with you. You should be the one apologizing to your man for being hyper sensitive aka crazy.

I lived through that In the past. Every little thing was a catastrophe. I hated my life. I wanted to give and love and have a safe environment to be myself, but I couldn't because every damn thing was a catastrophe to her. 

If my woman did that to me now I'd put her in her place in a heartbeat. Chill out and show your man some trust and respect.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Well a good update...I thought about what was written here, I thought about everything after letting some steam off. I realize I created much of the problem here and talked to husband. 

We talked for 3 hrs. He was more open and told me where some of this was coming from, I didn't realize how much negative stuff I've communicated with him and not enough positive (and there is a lot of positive about him). I still don't have to like that he lied over nothing BUT I understand where that was coming from, what he really thinks and how much he was trying to do to make ME happy.

We also decided to go back to a counselor who we've seen in the past, she was good with helping us learn to communicate better. I mentioned it and husband said it could help. He was happy I said let's talk instead of "please leave" again.

Thank you guys, honestly, I don't know what I'd do without a board like this sometimes. And I'll add that being pregnant doesn't help when trying to gauge what is a 'normal' reaction or not. Thank you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

He lied twice, not just once. Until he understood you were not letting it go. 

"It's your fault I lied" isn't legitimate. 

So after several months of counseling and working on communication there was no discussion about being honest? I find that hard to believe. 

What your husband said about not trusting him is correct. What a stupid, stupid thing to do.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> He lied twice, not just once. Until he understood you were not letting it go.
> 
> "It's your fault I lied" isn't legitimate.
> 
> ...



I tend to overreact, in the past be very controlling, demanding etc---although I think I've gotten a little bit better. Honestly its most likely the reason he lied. But I'm still upset---it was over nothing. I will say he never normally hides his phone from me. In fact he usually has to find it or doesn't remember where he put it. 

He keeps saying he had a bad day at work, when he saw someone called he figured it was something maybe he screwed up on and just "didnt want to deal with it". He said he should t have lied it was stupid, he said "I didnt want to acknowledge it because it was a crappy day and I'd just deal with it tomorrow". He said I just wanted to relax with you and not deal with work stuff. Everything he is saying does make sense, and I have overreacted in the past and have been jealous etc but I've been slightly improving. My gut says he isnt cheating or hiding something big BUT I'm still upset he would lie to me. He did agree to go back together to see the counselor about communicating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> He lied twice, not just once. Until he understood you were not letting it go.
> 
> "It's your fault I lied" isn't legitimate.
> 
> ...


There was discussion about being honest, that it would be truthful from here on out. Thats why I'm so upset. A couple of months ago he did tell me someone he used to work with said hi and whats up etc via their work chat. I was annoyed she was talking to him for no reason except to "say hi". He did tell me this (I would have never known about it)---that day I got upset about it and went off. The next day I realized my reaction was wrong---he had done exactly what I asked--been 100% honest no matter what. I couldnt be mad at him for being honest--essentially doing what I asked of him. I found this example to be good on his part---sharing stuff with me. He said because of my past reactions that work is sometimes stressful because he doesn't want to upset me but does like and get along with his coworkers. 

He said its not a reason to lie and he has to do whatever it takes to build trust. He said because of what has happened in the past with us and his coworkers it has somewhat tainted things and he doesn't want me to get mad. I told him I won't, I told him there was only one person/incident I was upset over but that doesnt mean everyone. He said he just wanted me to not be upset with him especially over nothing. He said he knows he screwed up for no reason, he just wanted to relax with me and not argue but he should have just told me about the call. FTR, he never hides his phone from me and usually has to look for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Posters tell you go with your gut.....let me ask you this......does your gut tell you this man loves you unconditionally?
You are asking men for their opinion....here's mine. While your husband "lied" to you can you see how you possibly created
the environment for him to lie? I have done this. In my head I thought I was protecting my wife by hiding absurd things from her.
Example my wife found porn two years ago....I stopped but anytime I would look at say a picture of a woman in a bikini I would freak out
and erased it off my phone cause I worried my wife would see. That's no way to live.
You describe your husband to be a loner at one time and now he has become more social at work. You also state your not crazy about that....well that's you being insecure and controlling. It may not feel like that to you but that's what you are showing him. 
Your pregnant correct? Your emotions are all over the place. Guess what your husbands are too. He wants to do his very best for you I am sure. But if he's walking on eggshells all the time that's not fair to him. Do you want a husband to be " scared " of you? Or do you want a husband who is wrapped around your finger cause he adores you cause your a confident and loving woman?
Yes go with your gut....not with emotions. If your gut is telling you have a good man....drop the other baggage. Your pregnant and you and your husband should be enjoying this awesome time in your lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Any reason you have so little trust in your husband? Sounds like a vast over reaction on your part, unless there has been infidelity in the past, which you haven't mentioned.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Posters tell you go with your gut.....let me ask you this......does your gut tell you this man loves you unconditionally?
> You are asking men for their opinion....here's mine. While your husband "lied" to you can you see how you possibly created
> the environment for him to lie? I have done this. In my head I thought I was protecting my wife by hiding absurd things from her.
> Example my wife found porn two years ago....I stopped but anytime I would look at say a picture of a woman in a bikini I would freak out
> ...


Yeah your post is spot on with stuff--especially about the "creating" the environment part. My gut and other facts tell me nothing is going on. The lie about nothing just sent me back, all upset and broken. Stuff like this happened when I was pregnant with our first child and he said he didn't want me to be upset, he wanted everything to be good happy stress free for me---maybe he was so focused on that and worried I would flip out for no reason and so he did. It doesnt excuse him but it makes sense--I am upset with myself too that I created this environment Over the past years. I know for a fact in the past he has turned down things invites etc because he was worried I would be upset. I dont want him to feel like this!!! I never do! He is always supportive of what I want to do and never makes me feel guilty for hanging out with friends etc. i want better for both of us, I dont want him to feel like this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yellowstar he sounds like he really loves you but he's is probably constantly conflicted 
with what he thinks you might feel is right or wrong. I cant tell you what it does to a good man
when your wife tells him she doesnt trust him. Its not a good feeling. You will always second
guess yourself. Its easy for me or others posters to say to you just drop it. Only you can make that change.
Also don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and move on. Again your pregnant so your emotions 
are all over the place. Go out for ice cream tonight and then cuddle on the couch with a movie and then rock his
world. That will feel way better than anything else. Good luck to you.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> Any reason you have so little trust in your husband? Sounds like a vast over reaction on your part, unless there has been infidelity in the past, which you haven't mentioned.



Besides the backstory I mentioned? NO, my husband has never been unfaithful. My boyfriend before meeting my husband was--that boyfriend cheated and made me think I was paranoid. 
My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, married for 8yrs. 

I know I shouldnt make my husband pay for other peoples' mistakes. 

I also love my husband so much, like I feel we have so much going for us, we're good together, he makes me happy he tries he puts me up on a pedestal, he's a great dad etc. i don't tell him this enough. Last night when we talked he said "I'm honestly surprised that you are so happy with me and love me so much, I always think you're annoyed and disappointed with me". . I'm so worried about screwing up a great thing. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Yellowstar he sounds like he really loves you but he's is probably constantly conflicted
> with what he thinks you might feel is right or wrong. I cant tell you what it does to a good man
> when your wife tells him she doesnt trust him. Its not a good feeling. You will always second
> guess yourself. Its easy for me or others posters to say to you just drop it. Only you can make that change.
> ...



Thanks, what you're saying makes sense. I really do appreciate a guy's perspective. Thank God for this place!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I actually don't think you were over-reacting given his lies in the past. I think HE was in the wrong in this instance. Had he simply explained his feelings at the time instead of trying to pass it off, he just wouldn't have made it look suspicious.

Why did he react like that? That's on him. I'm not sure why if it was innocent as he explained that he thought there would be a fight about - that doesn't even make sense to me!

My hubz has done something similar in the past. "Disguised" situations he judged as potentially inflammatory by either omitting to mention them or playing them down. What ACTUALLY happened like you is his handling of the situation made it look a hundred times worse than it ever was in the first place.

I think you ARE emotional because you're pregnant, and it sounds like all credit to him, he realised he handled it really badly. Hopefully he'll be straight with you next time and not be a tool about it.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

tobio said:


> I actually don't think you were over-reacting given his lies in the past. I think HE was in the wrong in this instance. Had he simply explained his feelings at the time instead of trying to pass it off, he just wouldn't have made it look suspicious.
> 
> Why did he react like that? That's on him. I'm not sure why if it was innocent as he explained that he thought there would be a fight about - that doesn't even make sense to me!
> 
> ...



Yes you are correct that him lying was WRONG--no excuse for that and I'm NOT just letting that go as a pass or anything. He said this (quoting myself from above) "He keeps saying he had a bad day at work, when he saw someone called he figured it was something maybe he screwed up on and just "didnt want to deal with it". He said he should t have lied it was stupid, he said "I didnt want to acknowledge it because it was a crappy day and I'd just deal with it tomorrow". He said I just wanted to relax with you and not deal with work stuff. Everything he is saying does make sense, and I have overreacted in the past and have been jealous etc but I've been slightly improving. My gut says he isnt cheating or hiding something big BUT I'm still upset he would lie to me. He did agree to go back together to see the counselor about communicating."

This morning he said he knows he screwed up and he has to earn my trust back, whatever it takes. He said he hates he hurt me like this and how stupid it was. 

I'm not overlooking the lie but I want to understand why that happened. Make sense? Also I want to be a better wife so he doesn't feel 'scared' of my reactions :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sounds like conflict avoidance based on how he thought you may feel about the phone call. He needs to learn how to communicate truthfully with regardless of the feelings that come along with it. You will need to show that you can handle honesty without flying off the handle regardless of your feelings. You both need to sharpen each other on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

If its related to work I wouldn't worry. Whenever I get a phone call and ignore it I get 20838172628 questions from my wife so now when she asks who called I just say "I don't know." One day she called me on it and I told her straight out that I hate the questioning I get when my phone rings. A typical conversation goes:

Wife: who's calling you?

Me: someone from work/a fellow classmate

Wife: why didn't you pick it up?

Me: I don't really feel like talking to anyone on the phone right now

Wife: what if it's important?

Me: they'll leave a message

Wife: what if your voicemail doesn't work?

Me: they'll call back and I'll pick it up

Wife: what if I called you and I was dying and you didn't pick up your phone?

Me: well I'd hope the first number you call is 911. Also, I always pick up your phone calls because I don't want to get the 20 questions game - hint hint

Wife: well it's still rude that you didn't pick up the phone

Me: well it's rude that they called when I'm studying/watching tv/reading

Wife: ........blank look
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

MeditMike80 said:


> If its related to work I wouldn't worry. Whenever I get a phone call and ignore it I get 20838172628 questions from my wife so now when she asks who called I just say "I don't know." One day she called me on it and I told her straight out that I hate the questioning I get when my phone rings. A typical conversation goes:
> 
> Wife: who's calling you?
> 
> ...



Yep, this is pretty much how the conversation will go if its a work call. He rarely gets a work call but if he does he gets annoyed and doesn't want to deal with it most of the time. :scratchhead:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You're annoyed that he works with women.

You're annoyed that a woman said "hi" to him.

Now you say he apologized because he had a bad day at work, blah, blah. 

No he didn't. You get annoyed when he deals with women. He saw that call was from a woman and knew if he answered it you would be annoyed.

This is a "do these pants make me look fat" situation. he lied because not doing so would have just meant he'd have to listen to you complain, or you'd go into cold-shoulder mode.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> You're annoyed that he works with women.
> 
> You're annoyed that a woman said "hi" to him.
> 
> ...


yeah...pretty much


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks all, just wanted to update.

Husband is going to work on sharing with me, regardless of what he thinks my reaction will be...and I told him to call me out if I say anything that is overly reactive, like "See this is why I can't share because you react like this"

And *I* am going to focus on listening to him, trusting him, not jumping to conclusions, communicating my feelings when I'm calm...

AND we have set up a counseling session again with a previous counselor. 

I don't know if this is true but I do think I am insecure in general and get overly jealous, all which I have to work on. Being pregnant though makes me feel even MORE crazy which is not good (I think I felt like this last time too). 

Thanks for listening!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

MeditMike80 said:


> If its related to work I wouldn't worry. Whenever I get a phone call and ignore it I get 20838172628 questions from my wife so now when she asks who called I just say "I don't know." One day she called me on it and I told her straight out that I hate the questioning I get when my phone rings. A typical conversation goes:
> 
> Wife: who's calling you?
> 
> ...


This is so funny. I guess your wife also takes the role of your chief educator and well-being keeper! My wife was just like that, but I don't really cooperate with her investigations anymore. Not that I hide much. Sometime when she asks me one of those non-sense question, I just give her some sort of dumb answer and that's it 

And to the OP: I strongly recommend you read the book "the surrednerd wife", if might have a lot of insights for you.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> And to the OP: I strongly recommend you read the book "the surrednerd wife", if might have a lot of insights for you.



Thanks, I put it in my cart on Amazon :smthumbup:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> Thanks all, just wanted to update.
> 
> Husband is going to work on sharing with me, regardless of what he thinks my reaction will be...and I told him to call me out if I say anything that is overly reactive, like "See this is why I can't share because you react like this"
> 
> ...


Communication... it's a good thing, no?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Communication... it's a good thing, no?




Yes it's a great thing!

Amazing, since having a talk about all of this we've been making up for some lost "intimate" time last week when we argued :awink:


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Well today I'm annoyed because the person (who happened to be the one who called that day that he lied about) asked for him to burn a 'kids' song on a cd for her...he said he would. He wanted to do it on my computer last night and I said go ahead...he didn't and then today calls me from work and asks ME to do it. I got annoyed and yelled that why couldn't HE do it last night, why all of a sudden because he forgot he wants me to drop it off for him today? Why can't he wait another day? What am I supposed to think, she asked for it twice and he said ok but now he can't wait another day? He could have done it last night?

I'm overreacting aren't I? Or not...I HATE THIS.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Chill out! Quit yelling at your husband for every little thing. If you don't want to burn the song on cd then just say no and tell him you'd prefer for him to deal with his work colleagues.

Question: Does your husband ever get annoyed and yell at you? Or are you the one always attacking him?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Chill out! Quit yelling at your husband for every little thing. If you don't want to burn the song on cd then just say no and tell him you'd prefer for him to deal with his work colleagues.
> 
> Question: Does your husband ever get annoyed and yell at you? Or are you the one always attacking him?



I wouldn't have gotten up if he had not lied in the past, that's why I'm mad. I made the cd and said i'd bring it.

He doesn't get annoyed at yell at me, but he does yell at me in defense of himself and when he disagrees with stuff I say (related to these types of things).

Tonight is when we go back to the marriage counselor...someone who we saw last year. We made an appt with her for tonight after the phone call incident happened a few weeks ago. I just want him to be HONEST, PERIOD. Good, great, bad, ugly, whatever--I just want honesty.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

............and my guess is that he wants a wife who doesn't chew him out at the drop of a hat for no good reason. You get the relationship climate that you, yourself, foster. If your husband appears hesitant to share every piece of information with you, we can only assume that you played a role in "training" him to act in such a manner. 

If you routinely make him "pay a price" for sharing information, he's naturally going to only share information on a "need to know" basis. 

I recognize it's not fair for him to make promises to co-workers that you then have to fulfill. On the other hand, it's a good sign perhaps that he wanted to spend his home time focused on engaging with you rather than doing a chore for a co-worker. How this impacts your relationship depends largely on how YOU react to the situation. 

All you've done with this latest episode is teach him that you're going to give him hell whenever he asks you for a favor. So, in essence, you are putting in the first bricks in the walls between you.

I recognize there can be difficulties in controlling emotions during a pregnancy. So, we recognize there are complicating factors here. You should also recognize that you may be susceptible to outbursts that may do harm to your relationship with your husband over the long haul. There comes a point where we stop providing rationalizations that justify these outbursts and simply get tired of hearing them. An understanding husband will forgive and forget many of these outbursts, but any man can reach a limit where they will not take anymore. 

You don't have to be a doormat for him, but - geez - cut the poor man some slack.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I think its positive he told you about it at all actually. He could've kept it from you all together, be happy you were in the loop.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> ............and my guess is that he wants a wife who doesn't chew him out at the drop of a hat for no good reason. You get the relationship climate that you, yourself, foster. If your husband appears hesitant to share every piece of information with you, we can only assume that you played a role in "training" him to act in such a manner.
> 
> If you routinely make him "pay a price" for sharing information, he's naturally going to only share information on a "need to know" basis.
> 
> ...




Yes you are spot on with this. When in our counseling session tonight, this is basically what we talked about. Also about what husband DOES come out and say stuff that does make me feel better & more secure, it goes a long way. Counseling tonight was GREAT, we felt like it was fine tuning this and I learned better about controlling my feelings and seeing how I am 'building those walls first" with my reactions. It's progress, I feel a lot better.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> Yes you are spot on with this. When in our counseling session tonight, this is basically what we talked about. Also about what husband DOES come out and say stuff that does make me feel better & more secure, it goes a long way. Counseling tonight was GREAT, we felt like it was fine tuning this and I learned better about controlling my feelings and seeing how I am 'building those walls first" with my reactions. It's progress, I feel a lot better.


I honestly did not expect you to agree with bulk of my prior post. It's good that you recognize these dynamics and that you feel good about recognizing these issues. That, indeed, is great progress.

He needs to recognize, of course, that this is a time where you need - and deserve - some slack. Conversely, you need to be understanding of his frustrations, as well. Sounds like you are on a productive path!


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm glad to hear you are going through counseling. Proud of both of you!

You fear being abandoned again because it happened to you once before (old boyfriend). Most of our negative reactions are based on fear. Most women fear loss of connection (as one of their highest fears). Most men fear loss of control (meaning not being able to do anything about a situation). You are pushing each other's buttons on these fears.

He fears your reactions and doesn't want the conflict. To avoid this he avoids you or lies. You fear that he might be getting into relationships with other women (which could lead to you be abandoned/rejected again). So you feel you must monitor his every move and hold him accountable for anything that seems to be out of the norm. This, in turn, pushes him further away and makes it easier for him to avoid you.

The two basic foundations for communication are trust and safety. You have to trust each other for the walls to come down, and you have to make communication safe for this to really happen. By safe I mean it cannot be an attack, blaming, or one-sided or the other party will not feel safe enough to communicate. Also, if a person lowers his/her defenses and opens up his/her heart, and the other party uses that time to attack, the walls will go right back up. Good communication cannot happen when the walls are up on either side. Both walls must come down.

Your husband has built a lot of walls. Walls are built when there are real or percieved dangers. You also have some walls yourself that have been built because of your fear of another failed relationship.

Anyway, I hope you can learn to trust your husband and allow him to feel safe communicating with you. I also hope that he will learn to have the kind of communication with you that will be a joy and fulfilling -- and really know that deep down you trust him around other women. I swear that suspicioun in a marriage will often lead to infidelity because if you are constantly accused of doing something that you aren't doing, it is easier to finally do it when the opportunity arises -- the ol' "I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't" mentality.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Well today I'm annoyed because the person (who happened to be the one who called that day that he lied about) asked for him to burn a 'kids' song on a cd for her...he said he would. He wanted to do it on my computer last night and I said go ahead...he didn't and then today calls me from work and asks ME to do it. I got annoyed and yelled that why couldn't HE do it last night, why all of a sudden because he forgot he wants me to drop it off for him today? Why can't he wait another day? What am I supposed to think, she asked for it twice and he said ok but now he can't wait another day? He could have done it last night?
> 
> I'm overreacting aren't I? Or not...I HATE THIS.


You need to learn to keep yourself in check, as this is NOT a big deal and you've made it a huge issue(stop overreacting!). If you didn't want to burn the cd, then you could have easily just told him in a calm manner that you can't do it and he can do it tonight, giving her the cd tomorrow. Very simple. 

Hopefully counseling is going well and you both are learning to communicate better. I know you said you are pregnant, but I honestly don't see it as an excuse to act crazy(I'm pregnant, too). Take a breather before ever responding to your husband and make sure your response is logical. Getting mad over burning a cd for your husband because he forgot and yelling at him about it is not a logical response.


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