# I want to have sex. :(



## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

ok, this may be wayyyy out there but if I can't ask questions like this here, I can't imagine where I could ask them.

I want to have sex. It's just a part of who I am and I really want sex sometimes. It might have something to do with how incredibly horrible I am feeling about myself too. Maybe I want to feel better, sexier, more like a woman. 

My husband is not at home. He is staying somewhere else (my choice, not his) and just recently (last night) started coming after work and putting our daughter to sleep before leaving for the night. I am still unsure if I am going to leave him or find a way to work this out. I am distant, angry, sad, betrayed, devastated and did I say angry? Oh so bloody angry.

My question is. Should I have sex with him? I know I shouldn't be looking for sex somewhere else (or even that I want to) but I am torn on if I should not be having sex with him. In all honesty I am not entirely sure I can sleep with him, with all the thoughts going through my head but if I could.....I don't know what to do.

What are your thoughts on sex with your cheating partner?
Have you done it?
Was it just sex? Was it horrible? Was it a bad idea?


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

terrified said:


> ok, this may be wayyyy out there but if I can't ask questions like this here, I can't imagine where I could ask them.
> 
> I want to have sex. It's just a part of who I am and I really want sex sometimes. It might have something to do with how incredibly horrible I am feeling about myself too. Maybe I want to feel better, sexier, more like a woman.
> 
> ...


I know that if I had sex with her now I would be wondering the whole time how I compared to the person she cheated with. Not great for generating a mood... You know what I mean?

But then again who knows? Sex can be a great release and could be the way of determining how your feelings really are for him now.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

I am afraid of that too. Afraid Ill be 'performing' or being compared. I already feel like that most of the time now. And I every other time we have had sex since he slept with her. 
We had such great sex. I wonder if I was always being compared to her. God that makes me sick.
I'm never going to have sex again am I?

All of the stupid things I could worry about with everything else this has done to me I'm worried about having sex. There must be something wrong with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

terrified said:


> I am afraid of that too. Afraid Ill be 'performing' or being compared. I already feel like that most of the time now. And I every other time we have had sex since he slept with her.
> We had such great sex. I wonder if I was always being compared to her. God that makes me sick.
> I'm never going to have sex again am I?
> 
> ...


I think saying that you'll never have sex again is a bit melodramatic! If your marriage ends you'll move on. It'll take time, but you will. I know this because I'm in the same position as you. Be positive about that. 

And there's nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing. It's the most natural thing in the world to worry about this issue - it's one of the things I've been worrying about ever since I found out. 

I know that I could find somebody else. I'm good looking, I have a good career, I look after myself. The problem is that right now I don't want anybody else. But if I divorce... I know over time that will change, the pain will get less. I'm sure it's the same for you.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

From a legal stand point...having sex with him after you find out about an affair is considered forgivness of the affair and you can no longer use it in a court during a divorce. Just something to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

TNgirl232 said:


> From a legal stand point...having sex with him after you find out about an affair is considered forgivness of the affair and you can no longer use it in a court during a divorce. Just something to think about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't know that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> I think saying that you'll never have sex again is a bit melodramatic! If your marriage ends you'll move on. It'll take time, but you will. I know this because I'm in the same position as you. Be positive about that.
> 
> And there's nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing. It's the most natural thing in the world to worry about this issue - it's one of the things I've been worrying about ever since I found out.
> 
> I know that I could find somebody else. I'm good looking, I have a good career, I look after myself. The problem is that right now I don't want anybody else. But if I divorce... I know over time that will change, the pain will get less. I'm sure it's the same for you.


I hope you're right. I'm in a place where I can't ever imagine being wanted, by anyone - even my husband. Its a really lonely place to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I just started a divorce w/ my cheating wife, she filed . I have always been a sexually active man so it's hard not to have sex BUT it won't B w/ her. I was thinking we should keep up the sex during BUT why? If you're going to move on then start fresh and get a new partner.....
I have stood before 5 women in the past year that were willing, able and had a place but I wasn't ready. That is the hardest thing for me, she's out doing whoever she can to do her and I'm just not ready. I have been told this is normal and I shouldn't rush things...My marriage was a serious thing to me, to her..?? I have to say her family has a long history of insest, rape, and other immoral sex acts. Want a list? Sex w/ children, sisters, cousins, prostitutes, daughters, grand daughters and the ever popular affair w/ the first heart beat to come along. I asked before we got married if she would ever take on the traits of her family and I was told NO, boy was I lied to!!
But now I am free and look forward to finding a normal woman and having a 50/50 relationship that I can live w/. My line is "I'm not looking for sex, just to talk and have some fun." It's working so far.
Mouse


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

terrified said:


> I hope you're right. I'm in a place where I can't ever imagine being wanted, by anyone - even my husband. Its a really lonely place to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will. Right now you're in a dark place. It'll get better. In a year or two you'll look back on this moment and think you were crazy to think you'll never be wanted again.


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

I also miss the intamacy of making love with my husband, but I can't imagine that happening anytime soon.
It's been over a year for me sometimes I think I should just go
have an affair... just kidding I wouldn't do that.


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

terrified said:


> I hope you're right. I'm in a place where I can't ever imagine being wanted, by anyone - even my husband. Its a really lonely place to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel the same way as you, and it is a really lonely place to be.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

jae1225 said:


> I also miss the intamacy of making love with my husband, but I can't imagine that happening anytime soon.
> It's been over a year for me sometimes I think I should just go
> have an affair... just kidding I wouldn't do that.


A year since divorce or a year since you found out about an affair?


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

My line is "I'm not looking for sex, just to talk and have some fun." It's working so far.
Mouse[/QUOTE]

That is what I want also, someone to go to dinner with and talk with and maybe go to a movie.
I asked my husband to leave in April since he would talk about 
what he was doing. I told him that what I was imagining was probably worst than want he was actually doing.
He says he wants to work on the marriage but yet nothing.


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> A year since divorce or a year since you found out about an affair?


Its been over a year (last April) since I found some phone calls that were made on his cell phone using a calling card, and they were made while we were on vacation trying to work through our crumbling marriage. 
Not once did we discuss our marriage and our problems. 
I saw him on the phone a few times and when we got back home I asked him for the password to the account to check who he was talking to when he should have been talking to me.
I asked him about the calls over 2 hours worth in 4 days, and he said it must be a mistake he never used a calling card.. please do I have stupid written on my forhead I told him.
We stayed living together and hardly spoke to each other.
He works days and I work partime in the evenings.
He goes to the gym for the last 3 years from 7 to 10 so we saw each other very little.
There were alot of things that happened in that year and I kept asking him to leave since he didn't want to talk about what he was doing. He was working alot of overnight shifts supposedly overtime but when I asked him to show me his paystub to confirm it he had some story that they may mess it up and it wouldn't show up. I told him bring it home and when he did the overtime wasn't there and I told him bring me your next paystub and he was like " Oh I will just leave you don't trust me"

Two weeks later on April 14th of this year I tried again and asked him if he wanted to talk about what was going on in our marriage and he didn't so I told him that I wanted him out of the house when I got home from work.

We've been married for 31 years and I know that you take each other for granted after awhile and life gets in the way but I never once thought about turning to someone else and he did.

So to answer your question, I am not divorced and its been more than a year since I found out my husband was doing something outside of the marriage, I don't know exactly what, I can only assume that he was in an emotional affair or he took it to the next level since I did find out that he purchased viagra and he wasn't using them with me because it has been over a 
year since we have been intimate.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

jae1225 said:


> So to answer your question, I am not divorced and its been more than a year since I found out my husband was doing something outside of the marriage, I don't know exactly what, I can only assume that he was in an emotional affair or he took it to the next level since I did find out that he purchased viagra and he wasn't using them with me because it has been over a
> year since we have been intimate.


It sounds to me as if you're living in limbo. Did he leave like you asked him on April 14th?


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> It sounds to me as if you're living in limbo. Did he leave like you asked him on April 14th?


Yes he was gone when I came home from work.
He had been coming over after work and we had a few talks but he never said anything about what he has done.
We talked about getting marriage counseling but he hasn't said anything about finding one.
I thought this was not productive so last month I told him that since he has nothing to say to me then he should just come over and see our daughter who is 29, after I leave for work because I don't want to see him again.
Last week I emailed him, don't ask me why , and he finally answered and said that he still loves me and wants try to work on things. So I tell him that he can come over and it is now a week later and he still has not said a thing about how we are going to fix things.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you have sex with your H---you are basically saying to him---hey its OK---we'll just sweep this under the rug, and go on from here---go ahead and cheat, I will let you "do" me afterward and everything is good

He has to be accountable, and know he has done wrong---if you want the mge. make him do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING---but don't be so lovey--dovey so fast----remember he "dissed" you at the hightest level---basically saying you are a POS

As to having sex with strangers---get your D. 1st---then you can go out and have all the ONS's you want----if you have sex, just to have sex, while still married---you are just as dirty as he is

None of this is easy---it probably will be the hardest thing you ever go thru---but grow up and stop trying to sabotage yourself, just for some physical satisfaction---(If you absolutely have to have satisfaction, you can take care of it in other ways without a partner), that would wreck your situation, and make it worse.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's called hysterical bonding (look it up, very informative). This is a very normal reaction - your inner animal self wants to 're-claim' him at some deep level. Many people do it, some even within minutes/hours of discovery of the affair.

If you're BOTH in it and deciding to attempt R, I'd say go for it. If you're on the fence or not working toward R TOGETHER, then pass.


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