# Gay husband?



## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

I saw my husband on a website asking if there were any gay guys in a place he was gonna be travelling at. I just ignored that. Then I caught my husband in a gay website 4 yrs ago with his pic in it and I even read his chats to the guys there talking dirty and even trying to invite someone to his place 'to do it'. It seemed that he was was there starting May then he came back logging on again around July coz one of the chat said that welcome back and I haven't seen u in a while. When I saw his profile there (he forgot to signed out), I was in total shock! He was at work at that time so I emailed him that we're thru coz I want a real man not a f. 
He called me from work saying that he's bi and I yelled at him that we're thru and he's a liar and a f. So he came home right away to talk and as soon as he went home he was the one who was angry and saying that he's not gay at all or bi and that he loves women,blah blah blah and that I'm a liar. He was trying to turn it around. Anyway, he convinced me that day that he's not gay but I just let it go eventhough I had doubts. Then I caught him again checking out tranny porns when I checked our computer history and I confronted to him about that and same old I'm not gay response. Anyway, every time we fight I call him gay and I even tell him when we're not fighting to tell me the truth if he's/not. He keeps on telling me that he's not gay/bi at all and he feels embarrassed about the past. I tell him all the time that he feels embarrassed coz I caught him. He keeps reassuring me that it'll never happen again and I tell him that ya coz u got caught and not just once. I keep forcing him to just say that he's gay/bi but he keeps saying that he loves women and he's 100% straight. It's so difficult for me to believe him and I can't trust him


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does it matter if he's gay, bi, or straight? He's still cheating on you...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

PBear said:


> Does it matter if he's gay, bi, or straight? He's still cheating on you...


Good answer.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

Thank u for responding. 
Yes it does really matter to me coz what if I find him again one day in a gay website or what of he tries to meet them behind my back? As I said, I've lost my trust. Plus I want to be married to a straight guy not gay/bi  . I don't want him to use me just to lie/cover his real sexuality. So I want him to be straight up. No one in his family or my family knows about this so I don't know what to do. Should I keep it a secret for the rest of our lives or should I share it to our family what's been bothering me  ?


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## mysteryman (Apr 15, 2011)

wow I am sorry you are being faced with such a problem in your relationship but I think you already have the answer if he is bi then he must be remain faithful to you alone because of the marriage, if he is gay then he can try all he wants his desire will be for a man and you, which is unnatural because he is using his marriage as a cover.


This is how you can test him to see if he is really straight or gay or bi.

Tell him that he can see and sleep with guys if he wants and you will sleep with any man and woman you want.

If he is really loves you he will not want to share you with another, if he is straight he will be disgusted at the thought of humping another man (gross). if he's gay is will not have a problem with this.

the key for this to work is to remain every calm and relaxed so he wont suspect anything and open up to you, since he's not be honest and truthful you can use a lie to get the truth out of him.

Create a scenario about how you were with a lady in the past.

just improvise.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts... Regardless of his orientation, he's cheating on you. Is that enough for you to ditch him? For many people, even if he was on a straight dating site, it would be enough to end the marriage, or at least force it into counseling/reconcilliation. What does he say about him being on the site and him cheating on you, even if he is bi? 

As far as gay/bi, that's something you have to decide for yourself. If he is gay, obviously it will be difficult for you to meet his sexual needs/desires simply because you're not a guy. Nothing much that counseling is going to do on that... Even if he's bi, unless you're going to allow other people into your relationship, it's hard to see how that's going to work unless he wants to leave that in the fantasy area and never act on it. But considering he was on a website looking for someone...

As far as telling... I think if it was me, for the majority of my friends and family, all they'd know is that there was differences that we just couldn't work through. No sense airing your dirty laundry in public, really. But for one or two close friends, and immediate family, they'd get the full truth if they could handle it. Of course, if your ex starts dating guys and it comes out, then I guess people can make their assumptions on why your marriage broke up.

Overall, I don't think anyone would ever blame you for deciding to end things with him. Nobody would blame a loyal spouse for leaving a disloyal one in any case, much less when sexual orientation comes into play. So it's pretty much up to you to decide if you can or want to even attempt to work through it. Plenty of people work through infidelity. And people work through even your situation. It starts by you deciding if that's an option for you.

Have you looking into some form of counseling for yourself? Maybe get the input of someone who's impartial and can let you work through how you feel?

C


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

It would be alright with you if he viewed straight-porn? It would be OK if he was trying hook-up with women?

You mention in your post that you wanted a real man, not a f. Are you referring to "***?" If you call gay men "****,", and he knows how you feel about this, can you see why he may not want to be too trusting of sharing his bisexuality with you?

He may very well be bisexual. He might be gay. However, your reaction is pushing him away from you, rather than making him think, or change his thoughts (if that were possible), and behaviors.

My wife feels that it would be worse if I cheated on her with a man than a woman. This is because she feels that she "can't compete with a man." I feel the opposite: if she cheated on me with a man, I would see this as far worse than with a woman (although I would still see it as cheating.). I am very straight, not bi, or curious, but if there is anything "gay" about anything that I like, no matter what the subject- she lets me know that what I am interested in is "gay."

I think my wife would probably flip-out even more than you are if I were doing what your husband is doing. I'm not sure what good it is doing him or you. If he is bi/gay the relationship will probably not last anyway.

I wouldn't try to shame him, or share this with anybody. This is private. This is about his sexuality too. Seek counseling. Do some research on therapists in your area who specialize in sexual orientation issues.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

mysteryman said:


> wow I am sorry you are being faced with such a problem in your relationship but I think you already have the answer if he is bi then he must be remain faithful to you alone because of the marriage, if he is gay then he can try all he wants his desire will be for a man and you, which is unnatural because he is using his marriage as a cover.
> 
> 
> This is how you can test him to see if he is really straight or gay or bi.
> ...


Thanks for the suggestion. He did have 3some before with 2 girls (2x I think) and once with MFM but he told me that he didn't do the guy, it was more like a sandwich M-F-M and he told me this before we got married. I'm normally a laid back kind of person so this didn't bother me.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> Here's my thoughts... Regardless of his orientation, he's cheating on you. Is that enough for you to ditch him? For many people, even if he was on a straight dating site, it would be enough to end the marriage, or at least force it into counseling/reconcilliation. What does he say about him being on the site and him cheating on you, even if he is bi?
> 
> As far as gay/bi, that's something you have to decide for yourself. If he is gay, obviously it will be difficult for you to meet his sexual needs/desires simply because you're not a guy. Nothing much that counseling is going to do on that... Even if he's bi, unless you're going to allow other people into your relationship, it's hard to see how that's going to work unless he wants to leave that in the fantasy area and never act on it. But considering he was on a website looking for someone...
> 
> ...


The incident was 4 yrs ago and I don't think he's cheating now but I'm just worried that is he's really gay/bi, he might do something behind my back again to explore his other interest. I don't want him to use me 
I told him back then that if he were in a straight dating website then that would've been a diff. story. I would've done the same as now-stay with him but I think he would've built his trust much faster than looking for a gay guy to hook up w/ at that time. I don't want him to cover his sexuality. We have kids too and I don't want them to find out coz I am embarassed.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

luckyman said:


> It would be alright with you if he viewed straight-porn? It would be OK if he was trying hook-up with women?
> *Yes, totally ok if he viewed straight porn, we used to watch it together. It would bother me if he were trying to hook up with women but maybe by now he would've gained his trust from me.*
> 
> You mention in your post that you wanted a real man, not a f. Are you referring to "***?" If you call gay men "****,", and he knows how you feel about this, can you see why he may not want to be too trusting of sharing his bisexuality with you?
> ...


* Thank you*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I've never been in this situation, so I don't have anything for you. I can understand why you don't want to be used to cover for him. 

For me, I'm with luckyman... I could be more accepting of my wife cheating on me with a woman than with a man. At least then, I would feel like there's nothing I could have done different to prevent it; it's just her orientation, and you can't really compete against that. But it would mean the end of the marriage. Unless she talked to me first about exploring things, and I figured I could work through it with her (i.e. semi-open marriage, threesomes, etc). If she was purely lesbian, then there would be no options that I could see.

Good luck! And you may get more/better results in the infidelity forum as well. There's also no reason for you to be embarassed... You've likely not done anything wrong. For that matter, there's no sense in getting on his case for being gay or bi... It's not like he chose to be that way. What you can be mad at him for is not being honest with you.

C


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

One more thing that bothers me is:
I am very attractive lady and eventhough I had 2 kids, I am very very slim like I didn't have 2 kids. People always look/stare at me in public even when I walk with my husband and 2 kids. He told me the other day when we fought that I looked cheap and embarassing that's why people look at me all the time. First of all, I always dress classy, I take care of myself (eventhough I haven't worked out for ages- I just had a baby 3 mo.'s ago), and I still get stared at by people anyway with/without make up (yes I go out sometimes go out without make up) with out without them. When I get compliments from people, he's always feeling intimidated. Like the other day, the cashier lady complimented me that I was beautiful eventhough my hair was tied back coz it was wet( I just had a shower n no time to dry it) and I just put on mascara and lipgloss. I looked at him and he was pretending that he didn't hear it at all. Any husband would be so proud of their wives. I told him that he should be proud esp. I had 2 kids. He said I love getting all the attention. I told him that if I want to get attention then I would rather be walking by myself- not with a husband, 2 babies and a big stroller and maybe put my hair down to/curl it-whatever!


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> Well, I've never been in this situation, so I don't have anything for you. I can understand why you don't want to be used to cover for him.
> 
> For me, I'm with luckyman... I could be more accepting of my wife cheating on me with a woman than with a man. At least then, I would feel like there's nothing I could have done different to prevent it; it's just her orientation, and you can't really compete against that. But it would mean the end of the marriage. Unless she talked to me first about exploring things, and I figured I could work through it with her (i.e. semi-open marriage, threesomes, etc). If she was purely lesbian, then there would be no options that I could see.
> *yes, i told him that when i found out at that time that he should've suggested maybe MFM coz back then i was open minded about porn/etc when we didn't have any kids. I'm sure my answer would've been no thanks tho *
> ...


Thanks


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

pinkmuffin said:


> One more thing that bothers me is:
> I am very attractive lady and eventhough I had 2 kids, I am very very slim like I didn't have 2 kids. People always look/stare at me in public even when I walk with my husband and 2 kids. He told me the other day when we fought that I looked cheap and embarassing that's why people look at me all the time. First of all, I always dress classy, I take care of myself (eventhough I haven't worked out for ages- I just had a baby 3 mo.'s ago), and I still get stared at by people anyway with/without make up (yes I go out sometimes go out without make up) with out without them. When I get compliments from people, he's always feeling intimidated. Like the other day, the cashier lady complimented me that I was beautiful eventhough my hair was tied back coz it was wet( I just had a shower n no time to dry it) and I just put on mascara and lipgloss. I looked at him and he was pretending that he didn't hear it at all. Any husband would be so proud of their wives. I told him that he should be proud esp. I had 2 kids. He said I love getting all the attention. I told him that if I want to get attention then I would rather be walking by myself- not with a husband, 2 babies and a big stroller and maybe put my hair down to/curl it-whatever!


If a guy has gay/bisexual tendencies, and it sounds like your husband does, it doesn't matter how good you look. Looking good won't "cure" him of his same sex attraction.

And your reaction to your discoveries isn't conducive to him opening up and talking to you about his being gay/bisexual. It will just drive him further into the closet. Giving him the option to open the marriage for him to experiment with a guy isn't going to work. he will say no, and continue to look behind your back.

Your best course of action is to assume he is at least bisexual and try to find a marriage counselor that specializes in mixed-orientation marriages. Insist that he goes to counseling but not in a threatening way. Certainly go yourself if he doesn't go. If nothing it will give you the help in figuring this out.

You are going to get to the bottom of this faster using understanding than you are calling him a ***.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> If a guy has gay/bisexual tendencies, and it sounds like your husband does, it doesn't matter how good you look. Looking good won't "cure" him of his same sex attraction.
> 
> And your reaction to your discoveries isn't conducive to him opening up and talking to you about his being gay/bisexual. It will just drive him further into the closet. Giving him the option to open the marriage for him to experiment with a guy isn't going to work. he will say no, and continue to look behind your back.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

As a wife whose husband came out as bi-sexual last year - I have experienced exactly what you are experiencing, personally and first-hand.

And Chris is right - he will not open up to you if you keep calling him a ***. And, what's with calling him a *** anyway - unacceptable and unexcusable. For you to immediately react in this manner and call him a "***" - you have some issues to work on too - this is your husband, the man you profess to love - *** doesn't quite fit that scenario, does it?

Quit the name calling and finger pointing. 

I guarantee, as my husband was, that he is confused, scared and doesn't know what and how to process these feelings. Having his wife go on the attack and making him feel worse will just cause him to go more into himself and he will continue to explore what those feelings mean - but BEHIND your back.

I took a different route and elected to support my husband, get counseling to learn how to deal with this newfound knowledge (we had been married 25 years when it came to light) and I did agree to support him in experimenting with those feelings.

While we have other issues - this is not and has never been one of them.

Did you ever think that maybe he is as scared, confused and upset as you are? You'll never know if you keep calling him names and making threats. He will NOT open up to you if you continue to behave in this manner - I wouldn't either.

Sexuality is a very touchy subject - don't make it worse for you and him.

Grow up, be the woman/wife you are and support him, no matter what you "think" about the situation - he needs you now more than ever.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

thanks for the replies 
i know i shouldn't be calling him a f. but it just makes me mad for not telling me the truth straight up till now if he's/not coz it does really matter to me and so i can move on. i don't want to find out in a few yrs that he really has interest in men and wasted my time for staying with him. i've tried confronting him many times to tell me the truth without mentioning the f. word to him but no luck. all he tells me is he's 100% straight.
he told me that he was insecure at that time but why with guys??? he said that he had a friend (a guy) who told him that he was gay/bi and he was shocked about that but that gave him an idea to explore too. And then he always gets defensive that I'm not gay!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

pinkmuffin said:


> thanks for the replies
> i know i shouldn't be calling him a f. but it just makes me mad for not telling me the truth straight up till now if he's/not coz it does really matter to me and so i can move on. i don't want to find out in a few yrs that he really has interest in men and wasted my time for staying with him. i've tried confronting him many times to tell me the truth without mentioning the f. word to him but no luck. all he tells me is he's 100% straight.
> he told me that he was insecure at that time but why with guys??? he said that he had a friend (a guy) who told him that he was gay/bi and he was shocked about that but that gave him an idea to explore too. And then he always gets defensive that I'm not gay!


First, I understand how you feel. My wife told me that our entire marriage was a lie because I knew I was bisexual before we got married. So I can understand how you feel.

But you have to understand how difficult it is for a guy who is perceived as being straight to disclose to his wife that he may be gay/bisexual. And once you dropped the word ***, it drew a line in the sand with him that will be hard to erase, even if you never use it again.

The discussion you should be having with him, maybe with guidance from a counselor, is that you fear for his and your own health and there needs to be openness and honesty in the relationship. He may have to see someone on his own to help him get to the point where he can discuss it with you.

There are a couple of Yahoo groups that you can join to help you with your journey and if you want, just PM me and I can let you know what they are.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

pinkmuffin said:


> thanks for the replies
> i know i shouldn't be calling him a f. but it just makes me mad for not telling me the truth straight up till now if he's/not coz it does really matter to me and so i can move on. i don't want to find out in a few yrs that he really has interest in men and wasted my time for staying with him. i've tried confronting him many times to tell me the truth without mentioning the f. word to him but no luck. all he tells me is he's 100% straight.
> he told me that he was insecure at that time but why with guys??? he said that he had a friend (a guy) who told him that he was gay/bi and he was shocked about that but that gave him an idea to explore too. And then he always gets defensive that I'm not gay!


Sexuality is a difficult thing to reconcile, especially to your spouse and especially if you are experiencing feelings that you don't understand.

I've found this to be especially true with men. It goes to their male ego - what's wrong with me, am I gay, bi, what? 

My husband experienced those same feelings and didn't come to me or express them, at first. I had to find out and approach him. 

But I took a while to approach him, had to figure out how to do it so that he would confide in me, without shutting down and we could "look" at the situation in a calm manner.

Was it easy - hell no - one of the hardest things I've done. Do I understand why, after 25 years of identifying as straight that now he's bi - no I don't, I don't think he does either. My counselor thinks that this is something that was in the recessess of his mind that he never thought about/acted on. After his severe TBI in 2008, his brain doesn't work like it used to and those thoughts that he supressed are now front and center. This makes sense to me.

He doesn't understand it either and based on e-mail traffic I saw, before it was revealed and we discussed, the man was very confused and didn't understand the feelings either.

We've worked through it - he now identifies as bi and no longer has a stigma attached to it that makes him feel ashamed, guilty, etc.

And, much to my surprise - I was accepting and understanding and helped him to explore those feelings and they were stronger than either of us realized. 

But, he is now at peace with them and so am I.

If he comes out to you as bi - what are your thoughts? 

Will you accept it?

Will you help him explore those feelings?

One of the biggest issues I had, at first, was - OMG what is wrong with me that he would turn to men? That was my initial response (to myself). But I realized that it has NOTHING to do with me, as a woman - once I was able to get past that - acceptance for me was easy.

Do some research on the web and maybe see a counselor - this is a difficult time for you too.

Good luck!


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, I understand how you feel. My wife told me that our entire marriage was a lie because I knew I was bisexual before we got married. So I can understand how you feel.
> 
> But you have to understand how difficult it is for a guy who is perceived as being straight to disclose to his wife that he may be gay/bisexual. And once you dropped the word ***, it drew a line in the sand with him that will be hard to erase, even if you never use it again.
> 
> ...


I don't have a Yahoo account but something to consider.
U're very helpful, thank u


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sexuality is a difficult thing to reconcile, especially to your spouse and especially if you are experiencing feelings that you don't understand.
> 
> I've found this to be especially true with men. It goes to their male ego - what's wrong with me, am I gay, bi, what?
> 
> ...


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

Thank u all for ur help
I'll show my husband later about this thread and we'll talk about it soon....how we'll resolve this....


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

I will preface this by saying that i am a type "a", go hard or go home, workaholic, hard core "man". 

He is Gay. Period.

many gay men have serious shame issues, but it will not change their basic nature. How you choose to handle the situation is up to you, But "confused" and "scared"? Nope, he is gay and slipping bit by bit out of the closet.

Just one mans opinion.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You said 'hard' a lot. Are you sure you're not gay?


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> You said 'hard' a lot. Are you sure you're not gay?


Am I gay? Ummm, I dont think so, but maybe i should check with a therapist, buy 100 bucks worth of self help books and check with my parents to see if i played with dolls as a child.
LOL, Ugh, Ok, i need to get out more.

On a side note about the thread... i might be a little put off on this one because of all the *****footing around i see here. 

If a guy is Gay, so be it. I have had great friends over the years who were flaming as hell. but to go back and forth about it... just seems pointless. I had a couple of great friends a few years back where they were married, had kids, lived together etc, for all intents and purposes they had a great marriage. He was Gay. They just made arrangements for him to "indulge" it in a safe and quiet manner and carried on with their lives.
It is what it is, so rather then beat it to death, accept it and move towards a solution everyone can live with.

Just an opinion.


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## pinkmuffin (May 1, 2011)

O, I've talked to him but still told me the same thing that he was so ashamed of it but I told him that he doesn't need to feel ashame about it coz I have nothing against it and to just tell me the truth (I already told him this many times). I talked to him in a calm, understanding, decent manner but nothing. He asked me if I would ever think of him as gay and I said yes caught u. He said that he'll prove to me everyday that he's not and he's hoping that one day I'll believe him. Do u guys think that he could be just Bi curious at that time? I don't know, maybe if he was then maybe I can convinced myself that he's straight.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

pinkmuffin said:


> O, I've talked to him but still told me the same thing that he was so ashamed of it but I told him that he doesn't need to feel ashame about it coz I have nothing against it and to just tell me the truth (I already told him this many times). I talked to him in a calm, understanding, decent manner but nothing. He asked me if I would ever think of him as gay and I said yes caught u. He said that he'll prove to me everyday that he's not and he's hoping that one day I'll believe him. Do u guys think that he could be just Bi curious at that time? I don't know, maybe if he was then maybe I can convinced myself that he's straight.


All I can say is that as a guy that's always considered himself straight, I can't think of any reason I'd post looking for gay guys, or be on a gay website. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'd have trouble getting it up for a guy, so if the two of you are/were having sex without problems, then I suspect he's not 100% gay. And he admitted at one point (in your original post you mentioned it) that he was bi.

To me, if he's never actually followed through on his gay/bi tendencies, feel free to call him "bi-curious" if you want. If he followed through and liked it, and wanted to swing both ways, then he'd be bi. And if he followed through and never wanted to be with another woman in his life, then I guess he'd be gay (assuming he wants to be with another guy instead). But there's a whole continuum between straight and gay, and it's my GUESS that he's somewhere in there. Maybe trying to figure out where he fits.

Keep in mind what the others said, especially the two that have lived through this... Your previous comments to him might mean that he's going to have difficulty being honest with you on this. In order to get the truth out, you may have to rebuild his trust in you that you really want to hear the truth. I'm not blaming you for the names, but that may just be the way it is.

C


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It really shouldn't matter if he is bi, because he should still put you first and never cheat. However if he is gay there is nothing that can be done IMO and you need to know the truth. No matter how you look at it he has been unfaithful, and I would not be happy to stay with someone who was cheating on me, no matter who it was with.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

seems to me the difference between gay and bi is that a gay man would NOT enjoy having sex with a woman and a bi man would. To a gay man, sex with ANY woman would be gross and weird, like a straight guy having sex with a man.

My .02. But labels aren't the important thing - it's the violation of trust and deciding whether the marriage is worth saving.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*G-A-Y*



pinkmuffin said:


> I saw my husband on a website asking if there were any gay guys in a place he was gonna be travelling at. I just ignored that. Then I caught my husband in a gay website 4 yrs ago with his pic in it and I even read his chats to the guys there talking dirty and even trying to invite someone to his place 'to do it'. I don't understand why you would stick you head in the sand, when the homosexuality was made obvious by YOUR HUSBAND'S WORDS. You should have filed for divorce when you saw the website. We can't just see what we want to in life. It doesn't make sense for a gay man to be in a hetero marriage.
> 
> It seemed that he was was there starting May then he came back logging on again around July coz one of the chat said that welcome back and I haven't seen u in a while. When I saw his profile there (he forgot to signed out), I was in total shock! He was at work at that time so I emailed him that we're thru coz I want a real man not a f.
> Using the initial is just as bad as the whole word. I'm sure that some of our users are gay, so that is very offensive. Being gay doesn't make anyone less of a man. You have made some very ignorant comments.
> ...


You cannot trust him because he cannot even trust himself not to lie about his sexuality. Leave him or stay in a marriage of convienience. Get yourself tested-now!!!


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Hi, I'm the guilty party (i.e. the husband mentioned in the title of this thread). My wife posted this and everything she says actually happened. It was August or September 2006 when she found the wbsite, and it really was as depraved as she says it was. since then this has been a recurring issue and rarely does a weekend go by when she doesn't lash out and call me a '******', although there have been long periods when it seems to have become a forgotten issue. But forgotten it is not. Will it ever be? How can it be? I never really opened up and explained it so naturally she thinks I'm hiding it. What it comes down to is that I have, unfortunately, gone thru a curious phase, and am through to the other side, but of course my wife will never let me forget it and insists that I am a closet gay man. Her point is that if she hadn't caught me I would have carried on flirting on those sites. the fact is this: I honestly can't say I wouldnt have stopped, because I dont know. But we have been married 4+ years and we have 2 beautiful little girls. I have never had and sexual encounters with my own sex, nor do I have those urges anymore. But she wont believe me and that is frustrating to me. I want a normal married life and a normal family life and I know that we must put this behind us or risk being a dysfunctional, stressful family. She evn says it to our 4 yr old girl "Daddy's gay, Daddy's a ******" because I tell her first that Mommy's depressed and bi polar which she's really not. I'm really not, and I need to appreciate her more and show her how turned on I am by her. I have neglected her sexually, and so I can understand why the suspicion is still there. But I need her to learn to give me the benefit of the doubt. By calling me gay she is misrepresenting evverything I feel myself to be, and what I stand for. I am not gay, but i fully admit having pondered bisexuality in the past. I'm glad she caught me, but I really need us to put this behind us. She refuses to go to counseling. I would be very happy. I am not gay, I love the female sex, and very specifically, my wife. she is incredibly sexy, and I think if I gave her more attention we might just be able to forget this and put it behind us. Just want a normal family. Thats all.


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## rainingagain (Sep 12, 2010)

Dear Mrs G, thank you for your insight. The real dilemma here is that we have kids and also that I really have made a decision not to indulge the male side of things beyond what my wife mentioned. My father treated me like **** all my life growing up and I learned to really hate myself, and was never able to learn from him how to be 100% manly. He was abused by his father by the way. My wife says my body language, my walk etc are not like manly men. For me that isnt about being comfortable; I would much rather learn how to live up to her expectations of what a real man is like, than indulge that other side of things. Calling me a queen; jesus, I'm really not like that. And its a directyion I seriously dont 2want to explore. If we divorced, I would end up with a woman, not a man. My wife has started saying our marriage is a cover up. How annoying all this is for me, because despite my shortcomings, I aspire to be 100% man and heterosexual. I believe it comes down to choices. I'm strong enough to make the decision to be a hetero all my life. Maybe that makes me one of the lucky ones. But I am not, repeat not, a 'queen'. I'd rather kill myself than be like that, no offence to gay people. I like women, period. I made some stupid mistakes. I am not gay. But clearly you know me better. Arent there enough gay people as it is without trying to pigeonhole someone for a moment of weakness in their life? I know who I am.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

rainingagain I personally have hope for you. There was a man that came and gave his testimony to my church. He was abused as a child, not very manly and as a result he thought he might be gay. It was after all the only thing he knew. But he sought help and worked through the abuse and came out a heterosexual and was happily married. I had another male friend, similar story who also healed from abuse was able to walk away from in his case a very destructive gay lifestyle (he had been basically selling his body for drugs). Again it was all he knew. These were sweet guys that had been messed up at the hands of someone that was supposed to love them but didn't. The first guys father didn't physically abuse him just emotionally. It was a coach that came in that smelled blood and played on the fact that he didn't have a dad that loved him. He repeatedly molested him. 

I know this isn't the norm but it does happen. These are men that weren't born that way it was a result of abuse.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

rainingagain said:


> Dear Mrs G, thank you for your insight. The real dilemma here is that we have kids and also that I really have made a decision not to indulge the male side of things beyond what my wife mentioned. My father treated me like **** all my life growing up and I learned to really hate myself, and was never able to learn from him how to be 100% manly. He was abused by his father by the way. My wife says my body language, my walk etc are not like manly men. For me that isnt about being comfortable; I would much rather learn how to live up to her expectations of what a real man is like, than indulge that other side of things. Gay men are not any less manly than straight men. It sounds like your wife is not accepting of who you are; both of you are trying to make you into something you are clearly not. How about being comfortable with yourself, instead of bending to your wife's verbal abuse? Nobody can bully you into being straight.
> 
> 
> Calling me a queen; jesus, I'm really not like that. And its a directyion I seriously dont 2want to explore. If we divorced, I would end up with a woman, not a man. My wife has started saying our marriage is a cover up. How annoying all this is for me, because despite my shortcomings, I aspire to be 100% man and heterosexual. I believe it comes down to choices. I'm strong enough to make the decision to be a hetero all my life. Maybe that makes me one of the lucky ones. But I am not, repeat not, a 'queen'. I'd rather kill myself than be like that, no offence to gay people. I like women, period. I made some stupid mistakes. I am not gay. But clearly you know me better. Arent there enough gay people as it is without trying to pigeonhole someone for a moment of weakness in their life? I know who I am. As I explained to a moderator, gay men call themselves queens all the time. I feel comfortable using that term, because gay men have never told me that is unacceptable. I am very much in support of the gay community and can be found at the Pride event every year. Anyone will pick up the vernacular of those they are around the most. My husband, who is a white male from the Martimes, will sometimes speak patois. :rofl: This is because his wife has Jamaican heritage and he hears it all the time. I did not mean to offend you or anyone else, so I apologize once again.  Why would you need to "aspire" to be straight, if you already are? The choice of words points to someone forcing themself to be something that is not natural to them. I agree that your marriage is a cover up. Sorry, but you have admitted to being very interested in gay men. Nothing is wrong with being gay and the sooner you learn that, the better you will feel about yourself.
> ...


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Dadeo said:


> I will preface this by saying that i am a type "a", go hard or go home, workaholic, hard core "man".
> 
> He is Gay. Period.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Don't forget to get yourself tested for STDs including HIV.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I believe you RainingAgain. I think that your father's lack of guidance has something to do with you being a little feminine due to growing up with only your mother's presence. A father figure is very important to a son's life and u missed out on this. I believe that u're straight and it's is your decision to stay straight. Hope Pinkmuffin believes in you.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

Atholk said:


> Don't forget to get yourself tested for STDs including HIV.


Why do people always assume that all gay guys have STD's? 
I know a lot of gay men and they're clean.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

bunnybear said:


> Why do people always assume that all gay guys have STD's?
> I know a lot of gay men and they're clean.


Because cheaters don't always use protection and AIDS is fatal?


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## ConfusedandHurt2013 (Jan 8, 2013)

*Found Pics of my husband of 5yrs "in the act" of a bisexual encounter*

Hello all. I cant seem to find how to start a new post. Hope this gets to the right spot... a brief info; I am bisexual and my husband knew from the beginning. My husband before we were married never gave me reason to believe he was but we are both very open sexually; so I though. About 3 years ago; we were at the nude beach and my husband sort of slightly touched on the fact that he was/could be Bi. I was taken off guard and I guess he closed up because of my reaction. i just never knew... you cant drop something like that on someone and expect them to say "oh, ok, pass me another drink please" The problem starts here though; we started a home business; a porn business. Like I said we are both open and he likes to see me with other men, but now I am starting to think he wants to see the other men and somehow subconsiously wants to include me without letting me in on his true fantasies. He's always asking me if I like "big c**k" Recently I found pics in his online picture storage of him performing oral on a man/men. i know it is before we met (pre-tattoos) but Ive also found recent pics of him posing with wigs, "sexy" clothes and poses, jewelry etc and so far one online "daddy dating" site where his profile says he is looking for a dominant daddy and loves to please his man. I dont know if he's had any actual recent encounters with men, but I now know he definately has in the past (before we met) He told me his first wife embarrased him by having pics of him "made up" (photoshopped) of him in a dress and wig and forwarded them to his family members. I now doubt that these pics were made up. I love him to death, and I KNOW he loves me; he's so attentive, very gentile, very affectionate and wonderful in bed, so Im confused as to whether or not the "porn biz" is just a way for him to surround himself with other men under my guise or if he's cheating on me or what. I found something once a couple years ago and of course was talked into believing it was nothing and I went along with it because it was easier. I do love him and if he's bi it would take some getting used to but I wouldnt mind playing together with him and another man. What scares me is that he may be meeting with random men and putting us both in danger healthwise. His problem though is he's a big stocky biker type guy so even when he gets upset he feels he shouldnt "be a Pu**y" and cry.. he always says "look at me; I shouldnt cry like this" so I am afraid that his bisexuality stems from a much deeper rooted identity crisis. He suffers ptsd from 9/11 and has threatened suicide after we recently got hit from hurricane sandy and lost everything. I thought maybe this whole traumatic ordeal had something to do with his recent CD pics, until I found his online profile that has his "favorites" commenting on his pics since last November. I want to bring it up to him, but how do I justify snooping through his personal stuff?? Although he knows I know his password to his email, where his pics are stored, so why give me that info knowing theyre there?? I have no surface reason to distrust him, so no explanation why I would be going thru his stuff... we always prided ourselves on having an open, secret free relationship and I now feel betrayed and feel like he lies when he says Im his best friend. Ive worked as a professional dominatrix also and we would also talk about how sad it is that my clients have to pay to have their fantasies fulfilled instead of having an open relationship like we do and just being honest with each other. Ive been trying lately to reiterate the fact that we are so close & Im so glad we dont have the stress of secrets; hoping one day he will crack; but I dont see it happening anytime soon and I dont know how much longer I can be seperated from him and wondering where he is or if hes takin more pics of himself. The recent pics I found of him were him being dressed up in our half repaired home (after Sandy) so when he calls to tell me he's taping and compounding, Im wondering if he has someone here to "help" him or if he's really there at all... he is very submissive in bed and we try to roleplay because although I am mostly dominant, I need to be submissive sometimes too and he says it is hard for him to dominate me because I am his wife and he loves and respects me but on the online gay site, he is totally submissive offering to keep the man hes with happy. Hes also into foot fetishes between men (and women) I dont know if hes bi or gay but either way it seems he feels he needs to be the strong male for me and is trying to keep his super submissive side hidden. I know this is long and all over the place... this is why I am Confused and Hurt... in 2013; I just found his online profile & pics in the last 2 days...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

we know three things for a fact

1. Your husband has cheated on you
2. Your husband lies to you
3. Your husband is gay (NO straight guy puts his picture on a gay website trolling for a boyfriend)

You need to ask your self one question...

do i want to spend the rest of my life to a gay man who lies and cheats on you?

If the answer is no then grow a backbone pull your big girl panties up and kick up your heels.

Good luck with that one sister


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Found Pics of my husband of 5yrs "in the act" of a bisexual encounter*



ConfusedandHurt2013 said:


> Im so glad we dont have the stress of secrets; hoping one day he will crack; but I dont see it happening anytime soon.


You mention in the beginning you are bi, and he knows it. He is okay with it but do you have sex with other women? If so I presume he knows about your sex with other ladies? Do you act on your desire for females with him knowing?

I doubt if your husband will easily come out he is Bi since your first reaction was shock and now based on your description of him he wants to remain your man. Your thoughts about the porn and other men could be his Bi said, some men for what ever reason like to see their wives with other men. I have never understood this but they are straight but like other men having sex with their wives.

You are bi, you know what people like above think, there are no bi people, just lesbians and gay men. You know that is not true. Your husband is bi, he wants you to know, but he wants you to accept him and treat him just like you have been since you got married. He is likely scared if you know for sure he is bi that may or will change your feelings toward him.

The only way to find out is a talk with him where you tell him no matter if he is bi or straight you will love him the same. But you have to be sure that is truly how you feel. There is a reason he has not told you out right, your reaction when he broached the topic was negative. 

The question you have to answer for yourself is can you love your husband if he comes out to you as a bi-married man? If he does will he be able to have sex with men with the condition of protection and you knowing what he is doing. Good luck.


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## ConfusedandHurt2013 (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you Code-Welder. What you say makes alot of sense. I think I knew this all along; just need to hear it from others. Yes, my husband knows about my encounters with women. He has been involved with some of them, and he encourages me to find a girlfriend to do "girly" stuff with like shopping, going for hair/nails... but yes, he knows, embraces it, supports and encourages me 100%. Ive been going over and over in my head different ways to bring it up to him. Like I asked originally, what reason do I have to go into his accounts? We know each others passwords but still, I feel overwhelmed on how to bring it up to him and all I can think of is him asking me why did I "snoop" And Im so afraid that he will be so embarrassed that I know that he might just have a meltdown... yet I feel so bad for him because I cant imagine him not having a tremendous burden/weight on his shoulders all because he feels he cant talk to me; his wife & best friend... Im not mad at him.. how can I be? He cant help his feelings/wants/desires. But Im hurt and sad that he feels he cant share with me and Im upset because he has been deceitful all these years; although I can understand why... I just hope that when/if I bring it up to him, after getting over his embarrasment that he will feel relief and this will not end up breaking us up. Even if he knows I know, I highly doubt he will be able to fully do what he enjoys with men around me but I honestly dont know if I can handle knowing hes goin for a fun time out with a guy. He always says he would never cheat on me (meaning with a woman) and that he would rather find a girl that is bi like me so we can all have fun together... oh what a mess!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To start your own thread look at the top left of a forum right above all of the threads... click the button "New Thread"


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

To answer the original question of this thread...YES. Or at lease bi. Either way, his cheating is the issue.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

ConfusedandHurt2013 said:


> but yes, he knows, embraces it, supports and encourages me 100%. Ive been going over and over in my head different ways to bring it up to him.


From what you had said he is scared that if he fully comes out to you that you will change how you feel about him. Let me be very direct, have you really thought if he comes out to you that you can treat him the same way as you do now?

This is a very important question, he has likely been with a guy or two and yes it is cheating. But you know better than most his attraction is not emotional it is purely physical. You also know how much he enjoys making love with you.

Perhaps after a glass of wine and you two are talking you can bring up in a light hearten way about the time he mentioned about maybe being bi, tell him you would like for him to explore that side of him if he wants to. Tell him sometimes you feel guilty about your girly time from the point he should be able to enjoy something like that too.

Do not even or ever bring up the snooping, it will not help and it will be your own secret. You just have to be sure you can adjust to him acting out his bi side and letting you know about it, you do not have to be there. I gather he is not always there when you enjoy another woman?

You have to be sure you can deal with this, I sense appreciation on your part. So think very hard about what will happen if or when he does open up and for him tell you all about himself and his desires. Even though you do know some of them already. 

Others here have made a good point, he has been with another man, I am pretty sure since you have been married. He likely has not thought of it has cheating as he rationalizes it is with another guy and no emotion is involved. Can you live with that, knowing he likely has had sex with others men after he married you? 

He sounds like a very loving and understanding man. He has made some mistakes some of which you do understand being Bi. Are you able and willing to be the same about him and his sexuality? If yes then find a way to talk to him, if not you have to think about how he is feeling and how you are going to deal with his being Bi but not able to tell you.

He has allowed or understood your need for women and he has let you have sex with other men or even encouraged it for I think not only your enjoyment but it seems his own. I do not understand that but what ever floats your boat. 

Now can you adjust to allow him the same sexuality you have enjoyed with him and other ladies. The main thing is he knew about your desires, he was not able to tell you about his, for what reason only you and he know. Likely it does go back to at some point he felt you would not love him being bi like you love him now in the closet. Who knows it may open up a whole new chapter in your sex life.


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## ConfusedandHurt2013 (Jan 8, 2013)

These past couple days have been so hard. We've been together everyday working on getting our home in move in condition. I found out about a month ago at a routine visit that i have HPV. Not much of a biggie i guess but i found out hubby answered an ad on craigslist on fri jan 4th tellin this guy that he can host at the hotel we are staying at; in the afternoon when we are both at work... and he told me his stomach was bothering him & he bought lube & an enema to "clean himself out"...about a week later now i have a yeast infection. Everyday he calls me his babygirl and how much he loves me. Going thru what we did with this hurricane has left me very emotional & hes all i have. I dont know how i would live with him knowing i know hes bi. I dont see anything wrong with a man being bi but im not sure i want my husband to be. If he had told me from the beginning of the relationship i would know what im getting into. I love him alot but there have been times very recently when hes telling me how much we are best friends and how he never wants to be without me and what a great relationship we have that i just wanna scream "then why have you been lying, cheating & deceitful all these years?!" I cant bear to look at him sometimes. Im getting angry that he can lie so well straight to my face without a blink of an eye. I dont know how much longer i can go on pretending. Half of me wants to go on blindly and pretend its not happening. But the other half thinks why should i let him get away with lying to me. I figured out how i would bring it up without admitting to snooping.. by doing a nice thoughtful gesture of surprising him with a family photo album that was lost in the hurricane damage. ALL his pics are mixed up in one folder on his email account so i can just say i felt terrible about you losing your sons baby pics & wanted to surprise you with reprints & this is what i find?! I dont want to bring it up because i dont know if he will tell the truth since im witnessing how well he can lie and i know things will change i just dont know if i want them to or if i can handle it. But i just cant keep quiet. Im not sleeping well, started drinking more now and i feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. He thinks im emotional because we are going back home soon. Please someone.. should I bring it up to him or live blindly like ive been and just try to be happy with what i have and accept that he has a double life. It makes me nuts thouh on days like today when i have to leave the hotel room to go to work knowing he may be online setting up a meet with someone here when im gone. I suppose hes been doing it all along anyway though so whats the difference? Im so confused, scared, angry, hurt and feel like a fool! Part of me feels guilty like im lying to him for not telling him i know and letting him continue as if everythings ok between us! Imagine I feel like IM hiding something!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

ConfusedandHurt2013 said:


> These past couple days have been so hard. We've been together everyday working on getting our home in move in condition. I found out about a month ago at a routine visit that i have HPV. Not much of a biggie i guess but i found out hubby answered an ad on craigslist on fri jan 4th tellin this guy that he can host at the hotel we are staying at; in the afternoon when we are both at work... and he told me his stomach was bothering him & he bought lube & an enema to "clean himself out"...about a week later now i have a yeast infection. Everyday he calls me his babygirl and how much he loves me. Going thru what we did with this hurricane has left me very emotional & hes all i have. I dont know how i would live with him knowing i know hes bi. I dont see anything wrong with a man being bi but im not sure i want my husband to be. If he had told me from the beginning of the relationship i would know what im getting into. I love him alot but there have been times very recently when hes telling me how much we are best friends and how he never wants to be without me and what a great relationship we have that i just wanna scream "then why have you been lying, cheating & deceitful all these years?!" I cant bear to look at him sometimes. Im getting angry that he can lie so well straight to my face without a blink of an eye. I dont know how much longer i can go on pretending. Half of me wants to go on blindly and pretend its not happening. But the other half thinks why should i let him get away with lying to me. I figured out how i would bring it up without admitting to snooping.. by doing a nice thoughtful gesture of surprising him with a family photo album that was lost in the hurricane damage. ALL his pics are mixed up in one folder on his email account so i can just say i felt terrible about you losing your sons baby pics & wanted to surprise you with reprints & this is what i find?! I dont want to bring it up because i dont know if he will tell the truth since im witnessing how well he can lie and i know things will change i just dont know if i want them to or if i can handle it. But i just cant keep quiet. Im not sleeping well, started drinking more now and i feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. He thinks im emotional because we are going back home soon. Please someone.. should I bring it up to him or live blindly like ive been and just try to be happy with what i have and accept that he has a double life. It makes me nuts thouh on days like today when i have to leave the hotel room to go to work knowing he may be online setting up a meet with someone here when im gone. I suppose hes been doing it all along anyway though so whats the difference? Im so confused, scared, angry, hurt and feel like a fool! Part of me feels guilty like im lying to him for not telling him i know and letting him continue as if everythings ok between us! Imagine I feel like IM hiding something!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just ask him if he is bi, but I have read it here, can you deal with him being a bi married man? If not then ask yourself can I live with this lie. He is cheating.


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