# Wife too busy



## ms1981 (Sep 14, 2012)

This is my first posting. I have deliberately kept it short, would be happy to elaborate.

We are 54(F) 56(M), happily married for the last 32 years. We met at school and have been together since. W does not like socializing much, so we just do things together and we make a brilliant team. We also run a substantial business which is quite demanding. We are in a very loving and caring relationship with 3 children. 

I have been very frustrated for a while now, W always happy to have sex but never seems to have any enthusiasm about it, and she can take it or leave it. She always like to be busy so sex is always near the bottom of the list.

Having known someone for this long and in a loving relationship, and the type of person I am, it is important to me that have quality sex and not just go through the process to tick the box, which is how sex has become. This leaves me hugely frustrated as in our loving relationship; I feel that good sex binds it all together.

Wife is quite happy just getting busy with things so that the time just goes by, and as she is always so busy there is little or no time for any sort of enjoyment sexual or otherwise, as we are always trying to catch on things that are outstanding which were not done. We have talked lots about this and tried to make plans and schedules but there is always a valid reason why it did not happen.

This is causing me huge frustration, not because I am sexually frustrated, more because I do not feel sexually and emotionally fulfilled. Wife is quite happy just getting busy with things so that the time just goes by. I am getting very depressed about this, and I am trying my best not to show this, but I am finding this very difficult.

I really would welcome any advice


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It sounds like your wife is taking you for granted. You've told her what you need, and she is ignoring you. So, take the bull by the horns. Go have fun without her. Get yourself in shape and get involved in some interesting hobbies. Leave your wife to her projects.

If she objects, then invite her to tag along and have some fun with you. There is a good chance that she will take you up on it.

Good luck.


----------



## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It sounds like your wife is taking you for granted. You've told her what you need, and she is ignoring you. So, take the bull by the horns. Go have fun without her. Get yourself in shape and get involved in some interesting hobbies. Leave your wife to her projects.
> 
> If she objects, then invite her to tag along and have some fun with you. There is a good chance that she will take you up on it.
> 
> Good luck.


I tend to agree with this.

It's really difficult to be so intertwined that you keep the same passion for each other AND the relationship going for so long..

You should do new things, because you need to grow as an individual and you need to bring that back to the relationship.

If you have discussed this and it's not working.. stop talking and start doing.

I'm also wondering if this isn't a case of you being bored and thinking that she is just giving you "duty" sex?


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Menopause? That can make a huge difference, maybe she's experiencing things she doesn't want to talk about.


----------



## ms1981 (Sep 14, 2012)

Thank you all for reading my posting and the quick replies.

PHTlump: Encouraging thank you. With so many things going with work, home and kids, we are very tangled, I find it difficult to break away as it impacts on so many things. Will look at trying something different.

bunny23: You are right in what you say. and YES I am bored and feel that I am getting duty sex in the context of our relationship.

LittleDeer: We are very close and open about all matters, an have discussed menopause. Will think about this aspect


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

ms1981 said:


> This is my first posting. I have deliberately kept it short, would be happy to elaborate.
> 
> We are 54(F) 56(M), happily married for the last 32 years. We met at school and have been together since. W does not like socializing much, so we just do things together and we make a brilliant team. We also run a substantial business which is quite demanding. We are in a very loving and caring relationship with 3 children.
> 
> ...


^^^ This part may be part of your problem. Lack of clear communication, lovingly delivered, to a loving wife who would normally be willing to listen, can be a big issue. She doesn't know your inner thoughts; you have to tell her, and show her how you feel. She loves you; she will want to tend to you.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

are you guys able to take some vacation? If so I'd try to plan something ASAP. you'l immediately have more time to talk, more time for sex, and other opportunities to get close to each other.

and sexually, on the vacation try doing at least one thing for the first time. and I don't mean a different kind of sex act, necessarily.
just something like undressing her (if you've never done that) or jumping in the shower with her (if you've never done that) etc. pick something you think she might like, of course.


----------



## ms1981 (Sep 14, 2012)

I posted the original thread just over two months ago. It is sometimes difficult to pinpoint the problem and actually put it into word that are meaningful. So here is part 2, any advice gratefully received.
The sexual frustration is a greater problem than I believed. She enjoys sex, but never thinks about it and always keeps herself so busy so there is no time for it. Even when we talk about it and even plan for it, she gets busy leaving not enough time or drinking too much for there to be any energy or time left for fun. 
So sex does happen but I feel that she is a passenger rather than a willing participant, which really take the fun and love out of it. 
On the one hand she says that she is willing but behind the scenes (deliberately or not) she is so busy that sex does not happen. This does not just apply to sex but a while lot of other home and work related thing.
We have tried almost all your suggestions about taking time out, holidays, they start off fine, but she will always find something to get busy with.
When we discuss this she says that she just does not have the same appetite for sex as I do and she really has tried but she cannot so any better. This sound like the end.

I just want to walk away from this but this will cause significant damage to all around


----------



## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

ms1981 said:


> I posted the original thread just over two months ago. It is sometimes difficult to pinpoint the problem and actually put it into word that are meaningful. So here is part 2, any advice gratefully received.
> The sexual frustration is a greater problem than I believed. She enjoys sex, but never thinks about it and always keeps herself so busy so there is no time for it. Even when we talk about it and even plan for it, she gets busy leaving not enough time or drinking too much for there to be any energy or time left for fun.
> So sex does happen but I feel that she is a passenger rather than a willing participant, which really take the fun and love out of it.
> On the one hand she says that she is willing but behind the scenes (deliberately or not) she is so busy that sex does not happen. This does not just apply to sex but a while lot of other home and work related thing.
> ...


Has your wife been to the doctor recently and talked about having her hormone levels checked for more things that just her libido/drive? It sure sounds like with the proper help and finding the right doctor, she could again regain her drive and desire to keep her and you happy. I think this is a must from what you have posted now twice.

If her levels and not optimal, this isn't going to get any better, only worsen.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ms1981 said:


> I have been very frustrated for a while now, W always happy to have sex but never seems to have any enthusiasm about it, and she can take it or leave it. She always like to be busy so sex is always near the bottom of the list.


Has it always been like this? Did I miss that part? If she's never been a sexual person, that's kind of your bad. You married her and stayed with her. If it's something that's developed recently, we can help there as well. But it's two different sets of advice.


----------



## ms1981 (Sep 14, 2012)

Mrk – Thanks for your question.
Well it has always been a bit like that. She always went along with the sex thing and really does enjoy. We have huge pressures of running a business teenagers etc.. I think we have done OK. Wife had always been shy, and had confidence issues. For this reason we hardly socialize, our life has been the two of us
I don’t know why this has become much more of an issue now.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many women are content to have sex if it happens but have no desire to seek it. They don't see that as a problem. 

It may be more of an issue now because you can see this as the pattern for the rest of your life. And, understandably, you don't like that idea. 

Menopause does make things worse for many women. She could be one of them.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> When we discuss this she says that she just does not have the same appetite for sex as I do and she really has tried but she cannot so any better.


I'm sorry.

This has to hurt. 

If she's not interested in meeting you in the middle you have a choice to make. Take what she gives you or walk. She's come right out and said that she's not interested and she's showing you by her actions. It makes me sad she's not willing to see what pain she's causing.


----------



## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Are you trying & she's refusing or is it that she doesn't initiate? 

How about you grab her before her foot hits the floor every morning & she gets busy? If she is as busy as you say she's exhausted at end of day & really won't seek it out. 

Since you work together why can't you all stop early purposefully on certain days & start off with the love making & then do dinner & drinks since the drinks before are causing issues.

So are you actively pursuing?

Have you all talked about each other needs & willing to meet them for each other
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you read the Five Love Languages? It may shed some light for you.


----------



## sfd'swife (Oct 21, 2013)

It sounds like you and your wife have lost a connection somewhere along the way. If she is staying too busy to be with you, there is a reason. Do you find that most of your conversations center around business? Do the two of you still find time for romance -- not just sex? As a woman who is 52, I know how important sex is to my husband and to our relationship. Men view sex as a connection to women. I'm not saying women don't, but we need and want an emotional connection before there's a physical connection. Menopause can affect a woman's libido too. There are, however, hormone treatments that a woman can try. With a little patience, these treatments do help.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You do understand that it has nothing to do with her being too busy, right?


----------



## ms1981 (Sep 14, 2012)

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. and the answers to your questions

I will read "Five love languages"

Eden1973: It is neither, the good news is that she never refuses, but she makes it hard to do it as she is always busy or preoccupied. I feel it an imposition. When she gets going she loves it.

We have discovered that this could be more a problem with her self confidence than sex drive, and we are trying to work on it.

Will report back in a few weeks with progress


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ms1981 said:


> It is neither, the good news is that she never refuses, but she makes it hard to do it as she is always busy or preoccupied. I feel it an imposition. When she gets going she loves it.
> 
> We have discovered that this could be more a problem with her self confidence than sex drive, and we are trying to work on it.


So, your wife never initiates, but also never refuses you when you initiate? And once you're engaged, she is an enthusiastic participant? If so, then your wife doesn't really have a problem. She's just a typical woman.

Women have responsive sex drives. It takes a catalyst to make them want sex. Men have spontaneous sex drives. We're always ready to go and sometimes our need is so great that we can barely resist and must initiate. This is as nature intended.

It seems that you're upset about something that can't really be changed. If you want your spouse to have a man's sex drive, you should have married a man.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I dunno about that PHT... my W instigates. 
The exception proving the rule?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

doubletrouble said:


> I dunno about that PHT... my W instigates.
> The exception proving the rule?


Sure. There's no general rule with 100% compliance. But I wouldn't call a wife who never initiates, but never refuses, and is always enthusiastic, a problem. It's just something to be accepted and worked around. Most men should be so lucky.


----------



## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

"Women have responsive sex drives. It takes a catalyst to make them want sex. Men have spontaneous sex drives. We're always ready to go and sometimes our need is so great that we can barely resist and must initiate. This is as nature intended".

This is so true, you have managed to sum up everything I've read into one single paragraph. Well done.:smthumbup:


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Lack of estrogen or low levels (and even not enough testosterone) AFFECT libido.

See an endocrinologist to see about hormone levels and getting them back to normal.

Also - during peri or full blown menopause - women often lack natural lubrication making PIV sex painful and uncomfortable.

After all the physical things are figured out (or at the same time)
I would speficically tell her how you are feeling.
NOT in a poor pitiful me way, or in a belittling or acuusatory way...
lovingly express why this is important to you.
If that doesn't help - then perhaps onto an individual counselor for her to work out whatever it is that she can't share with you.
And you get counseling to help how you REACT to this.

It has been only been a little over 2 months since you expressed your concerns here. CERTAINLY not at the point of being a walk away spouse.

NOT until you both have exhausted all ways to try to save your marriage do you even think of walking away.

And - walking away sounds so callous to me.

In your 50s the way people of your era view sex and intimacy are different from the youngerlings often on this website/forum. Also where you were raised and live and religious backgrounds play a role in how you view life and the world AND well, just everything.

Be Patient with her. It might very well be hormonal and mental/emotional issues resultant from menopause or peri-menopause. First thing to do is to see about her health situation.
Then you can work on each of these other things.

I really hope you are both able to work it out.
I'm rooting for your future hapiness together.


----------



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

To me it sounds like more than just being too busy for sex....does she make time for you?
she may like to always be busy but perhaps she is using this as a way to avoid some issues. Has she always been like this?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe this has been covered but what have you done to make yourself a more exciting lover? We tend to look forward to it more when we know we have a lot to look forward to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Interesting that nobody asked the obvious question...

Is she busy or is she "busy"? In other words, is she taking 3 hours to get a simple thing done just to run out the clock, or is the time and energy spent reasonable?

My wife works 12-14 hours a day - she is a consultant working from home - but she does not get paid for the extra hours. She has an amazing ability to make an hours project out of a simple task - not because she does not know what she's doing but because it's her nature to not trust anyone including herself :rofl:

She's done this for as long as I can remember. She delivers high quality work, granted, but at a heavy price. She does not seem to mind. Ask her to go out for a cup of coffee or to the mall and you might as well ask her to be Evil Knievel jumping over school busses. 

So, take a good look and consider the importance of what she's doing... And time spent vs available time.


----------

