# Forced to choose between sister and husband



## vnwife (Jul 11, 2018)

Back story- About 10 years ago, my father got my husband a job at the company he worked at. My husband busted his butt to move up but never really moved up and eventully got laid off once the company found out my husband and father were related. A few years later, my father got my brother in law a job there again. This time, my father does not mention to the company that they are related and he moves up in the company. This upsets my husband because he felt brother in law was favored. 

From this day forward, husband disliked my brother in law. My husband has tolerated my brother in law up until the past couple years. My brother in law now has a new career and my husband is not happy with where he is at in life. Money is tight and my husband feels like he has "nothing going for himself". My husband is depressed and angry and I also feel hes jealous of my sister and her husband. 

He has now told me that I will have to choose between him or my sister and nephew. I had already agreed that I would avoid all family functions if my brother in law is around. I do not force husband to go anywhere with my family. He has now refused to let me be around my family and said if I do not cut all ties with my sister and nephew, he will divorce me. But heres the thing, no one in my family knows my husband hates my sister and brother in law.

My sister has never done anything to my husband. He just doesn't like her personality and he does not like my 2 year old nephew because of his parents. I told my husband that I will NOT choose. I have agreed to avoid my family if my brother in law is around. Am I wrong for not choosing my husband? 

Help. I'm frustrated and lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

Do you have any children? If so how old are they?

What is the rest of your relationship like? Is your husband this unreasonable in other things?

My first reation to your post is that you need to tell your husband that the two of you need to go to marriage counseling to resolve his feelings about your family. If he will not, then he can file for divorce. You cannot fix this. It's on him and he seems to have become bitter and now is becoming controlling of you by telling you that you have to abandon your extended family.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

vnwife said:


> Back story- About 10 years ago, my father got my husband a job at the company he worked at. My husband busted his butt to move up but never really moved up and eventully got laid off once the company found out my husband and father were related. A few years later, my father got my brother in law a job there again. This time, my father does not mention to the company that they are related and he moves up in the company. This upsets my husband because he felt brother in law was favored.
> 
> From this day forward, husband disliked my brother in law. My husband has tolerated my brother in law up until the past couple years. My brother in law now has a new career and my husband is not happy with where he is at in life. Money is tight and my husband feels like he has "nothing going for himself". My husband is depressed and angry and I also feel hes jealous of my sister and her husband.
> 
> ...


I think "let me" are dangerous words from a woman with respect to her husband. He's not your father. You are his equal. He doesn't forbid you to do anything, nor does he let or allow you to do anything. Stop using that kind of mindset. You respect your husband when he's worthy of respect. You don't twist yourself into knots when he's being foolish and trying his best to have you make a fool of yourself for his sake.

You shouldn't have agreed to any of this nonsense. I realize you love him and don't want to lose your marriage, but you have to stop allowing him to scare you with that silly juvenile threat. Stop cowtowing to him. Tell him you no longer agree to this silliness and if that means he wants a divorce, then so be it. He won't divorce you. He'll just find a different way to throw his temper tantrum from the one he's throwing right now. Or, let him walk out the door. Even that is better than you letting him get away with ruling you and making a fool of you like this. He can do whatever he wants and can be as stupid as he wants, but why would you be just as ridiculous for his sake?

One of you has to exercise good sense.

Plus, anyone who is capable of moving up in a company will move up. Your brother-in-law moved up, so why didn't your husband? He got fired AFTER they found out about the nepotism, so what was the problem in the years before the family relationship was exposed?

And think about something else: Either he has given you a lame story or you don't know all of the story. All I know is that what he told you doesn't make any sense. If he was fired for being related to your father, then why wasn't your father also fired? He's the one who hired his son-in-law and he's the one who kept the relation a secret from the company. If the company's policy is such that a person cannot hire family members, then your dad would have been fired right along with him because your father is the one who actually broke the rules. If that is not the company policy, then it's not the reason they fired your husband. Get it? So, since your dad was not fired, then that's not the real reason they let him go.

Additionally, if his son-in-law was let go due to nepotism, your father would have to be a really special kind of fool to hire another family member and keep it secret from the company again.

You really don't know the whole story. So let me tell you - your husband did not work out. He wasn't good at his job or he would have gotten promoted instead of fired. He also knows the real reason that they fired him, which was that they got sick of him not doing his job right, or he really screwed up something major. That lame reason for being fired is what he thought up to tell to you because he couldn't bring himself to tell you the truth of why they let him go.

So the real deep down problem isn't that he dislikes your sister's husband nor that he dislikes your sister. The real problem is that he's embarrassed. He's embarrassed that he couldn't cut the mustard on the job. He's embarrassed that he got fired for being a screw up. He's embarrassed of having to face your sister and brother-in-law because BIL did the job well and he also got promoted and moved up in the company. He is too embarrassed to have to face them. And he doesn't want you around them because he's too afraid your sister or her husband will eventually tell you the true story.

Learn how to analyze what people tell you because nothing you stated makes any sense whatsoever. Do you really think your father would place his own livelihood on the line for his sons-in-law??? Two times in row??? Have you ever had reason to think your father is THAT stupid? Sit daddy down and ask him to be frank with you and tell you the truth about what happened. After he tells you the real story, he will also tell you that your husband asked him not to tell you back when he was first fired. And now he's trying to make a fool of you again, and you are allowing him to do it by acting as foolishly as he demands.

And just so you know, people don't get laid off for something like that. They get fired. If your husband got laid off, your father did it so that your husband would be eligible for unemployment benefits until he found another job. If he didn't get unemployment or wasn't eligible, then you know he wasn't laid off. He was fired.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Maybe your H got a bad deal w/ the company, but no one in your family is to blame for any of it, and he is being a jerk and an idiot for taking it out on them. If you avoid any of them to appease your husband, that is just a watered down version of the same stupidity. As EleGirl said, get him to go to counselling. But DO NOT crap on innocent relatives to appease your husband's immaturity.

EDIT: Appeasing your husband is a disservice to him, too. It reinforces his making a scapegoat out of innocent people, as opposed to using this teachable moment that you don't sacrifice good relationships to avoid confronting the truth.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

>> Am I wrong for not choosing my husband?

No. You HAVE chosen your husband up till now by avoiding family functions if your BIL is there. I think even that is an unreasonable expectation of your husband. Giving you an ultimatum between him and your family is extreme and well beyond unreasonable. It's childish and ego driven. As someone else recommended, your husband needs counseling so he can deal with his "lot in life" whether real or simply something he imagines due to some personal insecurities.

I would sit him down, look him in the eyes, and explain that he is #1 in your life but forcing you to choose between family and him is not only wrong but steps over a line you are not comfortable with. Then call his bluff and say if he chooses to divorce you over this, you will be sad but not fight it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Based on your husbands behave your, I bet I know exactly why he never moved up in the company. And it has nothing to do with family.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Unless there is more to the story, it doesn't sound like there was any wrong done to him. Your dad did the same to your husband as he did for the brother-in-law. He got them both jobs. Your dad just sounds like he learned not to tell the company based on how it went with your husband. I don't see how you can blame the brother for that. It wasn't a wrong committed against your husband. You said he isn't even with that company anymore anyway. Unless you've left out details I can't even see why your husband dislikes everyone. Unless they've actually done something specifically wrong to and against your husband I'd say his feelings are misplaced.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Based on your husbands behave your, I bet I know exactly why he never moved up in the company. And it has nothing to do with family.


I was thinking exactly this. And I'll take it further and the "being related" being the reason for being fired? Likely B.S. Probably just displayed what an ass he is.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

There are people who never progress in their jobs or life and blames the world. Its always somebody else's fault or some circumstances that prevents them from moving up. Sounds like your husband is one of them.

You go see your family, you don't need his permission. If he.is unhappy with that, that's his problem. He should be responsible for his feelings.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Resentment is real, and your husband is in pain. He is projecting his pain onto your other family members by association. Counselling will be needed here. He is NOT wrong for having these feelings. On the contrary. He was cut from the job due to nepotism, not failure. But due to jobs and wages what they are, he feels trapped and let down. Not unreasonable. All us feel this way at some time or the other. But what is destructive to your marriage and your family is the resentment left unbridled. The family doesn't understand or even "know" of his pain. I think that if you value your husband, they need to be made aware of this situation. Its not their fault, but they need to understand where this is coming from. From truth we can find peace....

Also, when you did get married, what were the vows that were recited? Does your faith set explain husband and wife roles in marriage? Do you actively engage your husband and communicate with him concerning his position in the household? I went through this in my life not to long ago, and while it DID change the dynamic of the marriage, I DID find peace. As for employment, the discussion is ongoing....Good paying salary at this end of the border is not just cut out for someone of my skill set. And other racial issues play into that factor as well. But my role in the household is defined and strengthened. My wife begrudgingly accepts this. She wants to stay close to her mom and out of big cities while the kids are small. I agree, but in 6 years when the kids are 18 and 14, this will be discussed again....

Ultimately, you are HIS wife. His partner and rock/foundation. You need to exemplify that role and constructively build up your marriage. He feels powerless and emasculated. Husbands/men need purpose and usefulness. Not just household appliance duty. I feel it is in our "lizard brain" thinking...

I bet if you can have a positive discussion (without getting into a negative cycle) with your husband, and give him an avenue to pursue as a way for himself to grow with, the resentment for the family issues will soften. I am also betting that with a good set of tools on you and your husbands belts with counselling, you can proceed forward with the possibility of new work and new adventures as a FAMILY! And that is important. Lastly, by gently discussing some of the issues with your family, you can probably gauge their response to some of his resentment and find common ground that can heal the rift that has occured.

Best of luck...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your husband sounds bitter and immature. frankly i would give him his walking papers....your sister, your brother in law and even your father did nothing wrong...yeah it sucks that he was fired, been there done that, your brush yourself off and you find something else...but staying bitter after all this time is more of a reflection on him than anyone else.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

vnwife said:


> Back story- About 10 years ago, my father got my husband a job at the company he worked at. My husband busted his butt to move up but never really moved up and eventully got laid off once the company found out my husband and father were related. A few years later, my father got my brother in law a job there again. This time, my father does not mention to the company that they are related and he moves up in the company. This upsets my husband because he felt brother in law was favored.
> 
> From this day forward, husband disliked my brother in law. My husband has tolerated my brother in law up until the past couple years. My brother in law now has a new career and my husband is not happy with where he is at in life. Money is tight and my husband feels like he has "nothing going for himself". My husband is depressed and angry and I also feel hes jealous of my sister and her husband.
> 
> ...


Any man that tries to separate you from your family like that, divorce HIM. Simple as that. I could get into specifics, but it's pretty simple. Also, a good man doesn't threaten his wife with divorce over something like this. She is too important to him.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

What is your husband's side of the story? Is the Sister and Brother-in-law abusive towards him? Talk down to him? To me, if this is the case - then he has the right to cut them out of his life if he wants and since you are his wife, you would need to do the same. If it is all in his head and it is on him, then he needs counseling so that he can hopefully come around - but, you need to stand beside him along the way. To me, and this is what my father set as an example, one's husband or wife is placed highest in order of importance - even above children as the marriage is the foundation for the family. This is how my 30 year marriage has been - there is no other that comes before my wife - and for my wife, there is no other that comes before me.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Aspydad said:


> What is your husband's side of the story? Is the Sister and Brother-in-law abusive towards him? Talk down to him? To me, if this is the case - then he has the right to cut them out of his life if he wants and since you are his wife, you would need to do the same. If it is all in his head and it is on him, then he needs counseling so that he can hopefully come around - but, you need to stand beside him along the way. To me, and this is what my father set as an example, one's husband or wife is placed highest in order of importance - even above children as the marriage is the foundation for the family. This is how my 30 year marriage has been - there is no other that comes before my wife - and for my wife, there is no other that comes before me.


That principle cannot apply to a spouse who has shown himself to be foolish. So it would be foolish of her to make herself equally as foolish and cut her family out of her own life over her husband's tantrums. He is complaining about nonsense that has nothing to do with the BIL and is just jealous that he BIL did his job better than he was able to do and got fired for it. And to make it seem like there is something legitimate about his complaint, he manufactured charges against her sister in order to make the edict complete and include both of them. Their poor kid then got caught up in the storm as being guilty of being their child. It's all just nonsense. You don't place a spouse above all others when the spouse is trying to alienate you from your family. She needs to find out the truth about what happened and why he was fired because nepotism was NOT the real reason.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

My mind refuses to start processing the gist of this case. The level at which your husband operates is way too basic. I do not think you should shun your family members just because your husband says so. he must give you good and solid reasons why you should consider it. If he has family members you are not particularly fond of, you cannot tell him to avoid them . 
It is just too wrong.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

StarFires said:


> That principle cannot apply to a spouse who has shown himself to be foolish. So it would be foolish of her to make herself equally as foolish and cut her family out of her own life over her husband's tantrums. He is complaining about nonsense that has nothing to do with the BIL and is just jealous that he BIL did his job better than he was able to do and got fired for it. And to make it seem like there is something legitimate about his complaint, he manufactured charges against her sister in order to make the edict complete and include both of them. Their poor kid then got caught up in the storm as being guilty of being their child. It's all just nonsense. You don't place a spouse above all others when the spouse is trying to alienate you from your family. She needs to find out the truth about what happened and why he was fired because nepotism was NOT the real reason.


You have no evidence that this husband is foolish - you have not heard his side of this story. Therefore, I see that you are someone who just is not going to ever submit to their spouse in any circumstance that you deem contrary to your desire- so good luck with that!! 

Sorry OP, but the Starfire theory is a recipe for a short lived marriage. This theory is: My spouse is not number one and I will never submit.

With regards to your situation OP - I would say that as long as you stand by your man - he will eventually come around - but for now - he is steamed at your BIL and sister - so best to let him simmer.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Aspydad said:


> What is your husband's side of the story? Is the Sister and Brother-in-law abusive towards him? Talk down to him? To me, if this is the case - then he has the right to cut them out of his life if he wants and since you are his wife, you would need to do the same. If it is all in his head and it is on him, then he needs counseling so that he can hopefully come around - but, you need to stand beside him along the way. To me, and this is what my father set as an example, one's husband or wife is placed highest in order of importance - even above children as the marriage is the foundation for the family. This is how my 30 year marriage has been - there is no other that comes before my wife - and for my wife, there is no other that comes before me.


I think most people place their spouse highest in importance, but do not let the spouse forbid associations w/ relatives. I am definitely in that category and can't understand anyone who isn't.

As for "stand beside him along the way", definitely help him work through this if he shows any inclination. As for indulging his petty vengefulness, hell no.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Aspydad said:


> You have no evidence that this husband is foolish


If I read OP correctly he has forbidden his wife to see her 2 y.o. nephew. I call this foolish.


> - you have not heard his side of this story.


That is indeed a limitation of this forum, and of course TS needs to make sure there isn't a good reason why DH dislikes the family. We can't really do that, we are somewhat at the mercy of the poster.


> Therefore, I see that you are someone who just is not going to ever submit to their spouse in any circumstance that you deem contrary to your desire- so good luck with that!!
> 
> Sorry OP, but the Starfire theory is a recipe for a short lived marriage. This theory is: My spouse is not number one and I will never submit.


Whoa, no it doesn't mean that. The fact that you won't give your spouse his way on everything does not mean he isn't #1. 


> With regards to your situation OP - I would say that as long as you stand by your man - he will eventually come around - but for now - he is steamed at your BIL and sister - so best to let him simmer.


Because if you indulge someone they always do the right thing? Naive much?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> If I read OP correctly he has forbidden his wife to see her 2 y.o. nephew. I call this foolish.
> That is indeed a limitation of this forum, and of course TS needs to make sure there isn't a good reason why DH dislikes the family. We can't really do that, we are somewhat at the mercy of the poster.
> Whoa, no it doesn't mean that. The fact that you won't give your spouse his way on everything does not mean he isn't #1.
> Because if you indulge someone they always do the right thing? Naive much?


Please tell me your story where you have been in this exact situation and how you handled it. 

Everyone has answer or opinion on how things should be done on this forum and you have every right to it - but, just because you have an opinion does not mean you are right. I tell you this - I have been through this and came out on the other side just fine. Tell me your experience.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Aspydad said:


> Please tell me your story where you have been in this exact situation and how you handled it.


No spouse of mine has ever forbidden me to see someone, nor have I forbidden them.


> Everyone has answer or opinion on how things should be done on this forum and you have every right to it - but, just because you have an opinion does not mean you are right.


Agree.


> I tell you this - I have been through this and came out on the other side just fine. Tell me your experience.


I'm not sure what you mean. If all parties came out happy I'm happy for you. But that doesn't mean other people in the same situation would be happy w/ your result.

As I said, I have no experience w/ anything like this, nor do I want any. I feel that making some effort to get along w/ the in-laws is part of marriage. The husband in this thread is not only refusing to do that, but dictating that his wife divorce her own family.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

He sounds like a jealous and petty man. Those are not qualities of successful people.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He needs to talk with a counselor. I think starting with marriage counseling is a good idea. 

He needs to quit relying on others and find his own path in life. He will then build pride in himself and his own accomplishments. He seems a bit immature, but I can understand how he might feel about this. He's wrong in how he is handling it and his family, you, him and any children you might have. 

All that anger will go away when he finds his own way. He may not trust them so easily from now on, but that's not a problem as long as he is civil and respectful around them. 

That's my two cents worth, anyway. They are just opinions. I wish you well. Don't stay if he is hurting you. Get help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Full disclosure - I have absolutely horrid inlaws, and my husband doesn't see them because of the way they have treated me. He does speak to them on the phone from time to time, but hasn't seen them for two years now. 

In this instance, if what you have told us is the whole story, your husband is behaving like a petulant child. 

Basically, your brother in law is better at his job than your husband, so he got promoted. If your husband were meant for that role he would have got it.

Taking his frustration out on a two year old, punishing the TODDLER by taking his aunt away? C'mon, grow up mate.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Aspydad said:


> You have no evidence that this husband is foolish - you have not heard his side of this story.





SpinyNorman said:


> If I read OP correctly he has forbidden his wife to see her 2 y.o. nephew. I call this foolish.
> That is indeed a limitation of this forum, and of course TS needs to make sure there isn't a good reason why DH dislikes the family. We can't really do that, we are somewhat at the mercy of the poster.



I agree and by the standard of "you have not heard his side of this story," the inference is that TAM and all other forum sites like it should be shut down since the other side of the story is extremely seldom heard. Nobody, including the author of that nonsense, has any business responding to any of the posts since the other side of the story is not available. So why is he, himself, responding on any threads since none of them contain the other side of the story? Hypocracy abounds.




SpinyNorman said:


> I think most people place their spouse highest in importance, but do not let the spouse forbid associations w/ relatives. I am definitely in that category and can't understand anyone who isn't.
> 
> As for "stand beside him along the way", definitely help him work through this if he shows any inclination. As for indulging his petty vengefulness, hell no.


That deserved repeating.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So I hear: Jealousy, pettiness, shallow, cruelty, naive......All traits of, you guessed it! Being Human. 


I don't think absolutism is the idea we should throw around much on the thread. It's a complex issue that requires a thoughtful response. Her (OP) family is hurting.
I am still betting that underneath this issue is a good man. But a man with no direction. It's happened to a lot of us. But it's how our environment reacts with us that determines the outcome. Both SILs were given an opportunity for a job. One was ousted for nepatism regulations. The other is kept on the hush...Why wasn't an equal amount of effort to find the SIL a good job that opportunity and purpose after the fact? Why is it just "his" problem? 


The fact is, by elevating ourselves to the 50,000 ft. level. We can get a "whole" picture that paints a different effect upon this. I have a feeling his thoughts on the matter didn't really garner much response by the family in general. He didn't matter. Or atleast he didn't feel like it... You know what they say about perception.... And as time marched on, members of the family stopped listening, and generalized or trivialized the whole issue. Its kinda like " You found a job, so shut up and sit down!" Now, how would anyone feel appreciative in THAT dynamic. Thats right....NONE!

I can totally see that the husband uses his last card in play and calls upon his wife for support. Except she doesn't know how. She feels like she is caught between two halves. The husband in his mind feels this should be a "no-brainer". Those vows that were taken are supposed to mean something yes? She feels like she is letting the family down by bringing this issue to them and her husbands reaction. 

Someone needs to call a time out and throw a flag on the play.... And yes, this marriage is worth the effort.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One cannot forbid their spouse to see their own family, and be in the right unless there are safety reasons. The spouse can refuse to come along, but not demand their wife or husband not see their own family.
That's one of the signs of narcissism--- the narc tries to put distance between their supply person and their friends and family. That way, the narc has total control of their supply person.

I see this as a nobrainer. You tell your husband that you WILL see your family, just as you saw your family when you were dating and he asked you to marry him. This doesn't sound like a question of him being worried about your safety, it's a question of being a controlling ass. (and I hate the term controlling, but it seems appropriate here).
If he must divorce you for seeing your parents or siblings WITHOUT him, then tell him to draw up the papers. 

You might also add that he not see his family either. But it sounds like he is probably such a nut, that they don't want to see him or he doesn't want to see them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So I hear: Jealousy, pettiness, shallow, cruelty, naive......All traits of, you guessed it! Being Human.
> 
> 
> I don't think absolutism is the idea we should throw around much on the thread. It's a complex issue that requires a thoughtful response. Her (OP) family is hurting.


The only one in her family she mentions being upset is her H, and as a result, her.


> I am still betting that underneath this issue is a good man.


We don't know, but that isn't the issue, a specific behavior is.


> But a man with no direction. It's happened to a lot of us. But it's how our environment reacts with us that determines the outcome. Both SILs were given an opportunity for a job. One was ousted for nepatism regulations. The other is kept on the hush...Why wasn't an equal amount of effort to find the SIL a good job that opportunity and purpose after the fact? Why is it just "his" problem?


We don't know if effort was made to find him another job, but no one is obligated to find a job for you. As far as we know, the only one upset about him not having a job is him. But the crazy part is he is also mad at his BIL for having a job, that is, achieving what he wanted to achieve.


> The fact is, by elevating ourselves to the 50,000 ft. level. We can get a "whole" picture that paints a different effect upon this. I have a feeling his thoughts on the matter didn't really garner much response by the family in general. He didn't matter. Or atleast he didn't feel like it... You know what they say about perception.... And as time marched on, members of the family stopped listening, and generalized or trivialized the whole issue. Its kinda like " You found a job, so shut up and sit down!" Now, how would anyone feel appreciative in THAT dynamic. Thats right....NONE!


This whole paragraph is entirely the product of your imagination.


> I can totally see that the husband uses his last card in play and calls upon his wife for support.


Calling for support can take many forms, but NOT demands to abandon your innocent family.


> Except she doesn't know how. She feels like she is caught between two halves. The husband in his mind feels this should be a "no-brainer". Those vows that were taken are supposed to mean something yes?


They mean a lot of things, but not mistreating people to salve an immatrue ego. Love does not request the mistreatment of innocent people.


> She feels like she is letting the family down by bringing this issue to them and her husbands reaction.


 She says she did not bring this issue to them. 


> Someone needs to call a time out and throw a flag on the play.... And yes, this marriage is worth the effort.


It is plenty disappointing that H has made it to this age being so immature, but I have recommend if he will make an effort to grow out of it, she help him do it.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So linear and one sided you view. Yes I did project some kind of an explanation to why the husband is doing this. And yes, the family did go out of their way for the OTHER bro-in-law. Was his response warranted? Nope, but please, just leveling all the animosity on the husband over this is not going to help. And OP will find herself single shortly. I noticed that she hasn't even responded to ANYTHING. 

So go ahead, call him immature for just eating it in the shorts for his in-laws. See what happens. I can tell you what happens. He leaves and gets an apartment 200 miles away. That solved that problem huh... Wanna venture to guess why I would say it? Because I DID it. My wife could not understand my pain and her family was relentless in just saying "get over it!" So I did....I was getting a place nearer to by brother in another city and was drawing up papers for custody of my kids....


Low and behold, the hats came off and in hand. But my respect for the Inlaws are tarnished at best. Fools, all of them. And I've already mentioned plenty about my wife. 

So, maybe your a submissive type that lets your wife just walk roughshod over you. She makes all the shots and you just get the scraps and are content. But don't sit there acrimoniously and judge when a man feels threatened and given a backseat to HIS life.


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

You have told your husband you will NOT chose, and he is wrong for even trying to manipulate you this way.

Let him decide if he can live with the compromise you already made (avoiding brother-in-law) or not.

And stop feeling guilty for not cutting off your sister who has not wronged you (or your husband) in any way.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So linear and one sided you view. Yes I did project some kind of an explanation to why the husband is doing this. And yes, the family did go out of their way for the OTHER bro-in-law. Was his response warranted? Nope, but please, just leveling all the animosity on the husband over this is not going to help. And OP will find herself single shortly. I noticed that she hasn't even responded to ANYTHING.


I don't see how they went out of their way for BIL, they did for him what they did for H, got him a job. If you call not hating him for keeping the job going out of their way, well that is ridiculous. We agree his response was unwarranted, and I've said she should not appease it. I don't consider that animosity. OP may find herself single, if so it will be good if she hasn't kicked her loving family to the curb. But I hope her husband learns from the people around him, for her sake but especially for his own.


> So go ahead, call him immature for just eating it in the shorts for his in-laws.


No, he has done nothing for his in-laws. 


> See what happens. I can tell you what happens. He leaves and gets an apartment 200 miles away. That solved that problem huh... Wanna venture to guess why I would say it? Because I DID it. My wife could not understand my pain and her family was relentless in just saying "get over it!" So I did....I was getting a place nearer to by brother in another city and was drawing up papers for custody of my kids....


There is a lot of ground between saying "get over it" and snubbing an innocent person you're jealous of, and that is the ground I would occupy. If he wants to deal w/ hurt or depression or any other problem in a constructive way, she should try to help him b/c that's what spouses do. But being a jerk to innocent people is not helping him.



> Low and behold, the hats came off and in hand. But my respect for the Inlaws are tarnished at best. Fools, all of them. And I've already mentioned plenty about my wife.


Not familiar w/ your situation. If it really is the same as this one and your in-laws appeased you, then I don't respect them either.


> So, maybe your a submissive type that lets your wife just walk roughshod over you. She makes all the shots and you just get the scraps and are content.


With an imagination like yours, I really hope you're an author.
My wife is far too nice to me, I am always looking for ways to "even the score". But if I ever told her I didn't want her being nice to her family, there would be a long pause while she tried to get her head around what she just heard and I would hope a comet struck the earth before it ended.


> But don't sit there acrimoniously and judge when a man feels threatened and given a backseat to HIS life.


I think the problem is he is so miserable in his own life, he is trying to mess up other peoples'. That isn't good for anybody.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I will not give you the whole story but my wife chose me over her sister. She loves me more.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> One cannot forbid their spouse to see their own family, and be in the right unless there are safety reasons. The spouse can refuse to come along, but not demand their wife or husband not see their own family.
> 
> That's one of the signs of narcissism--- the narc tries to put distance between their supply person and their friends and family. That way, the narc has total control of their supply person.


My inlaws have treated me like garbage from day 1. They did the same to his first wife. It's not us, it's them. I may not be able to force my husband not to see them, but I can (and do) make it very clear that I am not happy about it if he does. It's an absolute kick in the guts and betrayal of me, for him to go and happily spend time with people who hate my guts.

It is unacceptable to me to be treated the way I have been. It should be unacceptable to my husband too.

If that makes me a narc, well then, I guess I am. No ****s given.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> I will not give you the whole story but my wife chose me over her sister. She loves me more.


Fair enough if you don't want to divulge, but with so little info I don't see what I'm supposed to learn from this.

Personally, if my relative(s) was/were bad to my spouse I would choose to mostly avoid him/them, but that isn't what TS is talking about.

There may be cirumstances where "If I loved this person, I wouldn't speak to this other person", but often it's a false dichotomy. In TS's situation it involves a 2 y.o. who obviously is innocent.


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> I will not give you the whole story but my wife chose me over her sister. She loves me more.


Sometimes, its not about love, but fear. 

Hope this is not true in your case though.


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