# Husband cheating with strippers



## leaveorstay

18 years of marriage, 2 young kids. Our relationship,has been strained for many years- we both agree he pretty much shut me out a long time ago, views me as the person keeping him from the life of freedom he wants. Sex was very seldom, handful of times a year because he didn't want to or sometimes couldn't. I tried to be the patient understanding wife. I never meet his coworkers/ friends. We rarely go out alone together. We both have admitted we thought about ending it. About 4-5 months ago there was a sudden change, he was interested in sex again & it was great- like when we were in college. He seemingly cldnt keep his hands off me. I wanted to enjoy this but it raised red flags, always a drinker (not to excess) that had escalated to being drunk almost every night even in front of kids, he lost weight, worked out all time, new clothes, etc. Came home one night with lipstick on face, then found a text planning for a friend to cover for him while he went to local hotel instead of to visit friend. I hired a PI. He is going to a strip club several days a week while I think he's at work or meeting a friend for a drink. He has lots of the strippers phone numbers, has several favorites he takes to VIP room regularly, secret acct to fund all this. Started meeting some of them for dates outside of club (dinner, walks in the park). Says he is sorry, things are better than ever between us (seriously??) and we can fix this. Swears he never slept with any of them, & hasn't ever cheated on that level while married. Dosent seem to get the pain he has caused- seeing him walking through a park with his arm around a girl when he barely touched me for so long. My gut says he's still holding back, only admitting what he has to. These girls are a good 20 yrs younger than us. I'm disgusted, hurt, and ready to leave. He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost.


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## EleGirl

Are you planning on divorcing him?

You need to get an STD test.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

What do you think happened in the hotel? The park? Sure, he never "slept" with them. And, that's because he was too busy getting ****ed or doing the ****ing. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## uhtred

Its your choice. You have every reason to divorce him and no reason to think this behavior will stop. 

If you want to stay married and tolerate this, that is your decision, but most people would divorce in this situation.


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## leaveorstay

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> What do you think happened in the hotel? The park? Sure, he never "slept" with them. And, that's because he was too busy getting ****ed or doing the ****ing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much


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## leaveorstay

EleGirl said:


> Are you planning on divorcing him?
> 
> You need to get an STD test.


I have a plan in place to divorce, he is trying to convince me to give us another chance. I did get tested.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

leaveorstay said:


> He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much


You're right, he's only going to tell you what he thinks he has to (what you already know). It's called trickle truth. Alot of the threads talk about this. Scroll through some of the infidelity threads and you'll get a good idea of what script your husband will play for you. It's the cheaters script. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Keke24

"He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost."

O yeah, his kids must've been the first thing on his mind every night he went to the strip club. 

Agree with @tropicalbeachiwish, please read a few infidelity threads on here. This is indeed part of the classic cheater script. He's going to find every way to make you feel like:

- it's your fault
- you're crazy and making things worse than they actually are
- you're the bad one if you want to divorce, you're going to destroy the family
- he's sorry and he will never do it again
- things will go back to normal if you forgive him

Here's the link: Coping with Infidelity - Talk About Marriage


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## ConanHub

He is rotten. Hope the best for you and your children.

He isn't even close to being where his family needs him to be.


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## jb02157

Good call to hire to hire a PI. Use the information he gave you and dump him!


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## EleGirl

Just move on with the divorce. He clearly has no plan on stopping this behavior. He is putting your health at risk.


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## leaveorstay

Keke24 said:


> "He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost."
> 
> O yeah, his kids must've been the first thing on his mind every night he went to the strip club.
> 
> Agree with @tropicalbeachiwish, please read a few infidelity threads on here. This is indeed part of the classic cheater script. He's going to find every way to make you feel like:
> 
> - it's your fault
> - you're crazy and making things worse than they actually are
> - you're the bad one if you want to divorce, you're going to destroy the family
> - he's sorry and he will never do it again
> - things will go back to normal if you forgive him
> 
> Here's the link: Coping with Infidelity - Talk About Marriage


Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this. 
If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!


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## EleGirl

You need to stop beating yourself up over this. You are not a fool. You are someone who hoped for the best. Sadly he squandered that.


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## Keke24

leaveorstay said:


> Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this.
> If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!


Don't make yourself feel worse than you already do OP. You're no fool OP, you recognize his bs. You're way ahead of a lot of BSs (Betrayed Spouses) who come on here believing all the lies spewed by their WSs (Wayward Spouses) and are desperate to do anything to get them back. 

Trust your gut, hasn't it been right thus far? You knew something was up when things suddenly improved. You saw the red flags and hired a PI. Seriously, very few BS we see on here have the galls and foresight to do this. But now you have all the evidence, now you need to make a _realistic_ decision and stick to it. Things were already screwed up before the cheating was exposed, you two could not even work through these issues, is it realistic to expect to be able to deal with these issues AND the cheating now??

This is why I advise you to read some threads on here. Starting with the infidelity threads and then the sexless marriage threads. These are the two most common issues discussed on here. You'll see how difficult it is to work through sexless marriages and you'll get the lowdown on cheater bs. 

My opinion: your serial cheating husband needs to go. Daughters must learn it is not acceptable for a man to treat his wife this way. Sons must learn a good man/father/husband does not neglect his wife/children at home to go sleep with strippers. A good man/father/husband is not a coward who blames his wife for his own disgusting decisions. A good man does not put women he pays for sex on a higher pedestal than his own wife, the woman who birthed his beautiful children. You are a role model for your children as a woman, a mother and a wife. Your husband has already decided what example he wants to set, what example will you set OP?


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## FeministInPink

leaveorstay said:


> Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this.
> If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!


Whatever. He wasted marital funds on these skanks. Even if he didn't sleep with them (and I'm 100% certain that he did sleep with them), just spending all this cash is financial infidelity.

He can't believe that you would throw away your entire life over this? WRONG. HE threw your entire life away over this. HE DID THIS. NOT YOU.


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## MrsAldi

Sounds like the beginning of an addiction to me. 
And he will squander every dollar on these strippers, because it's gone beyond just looking for him. 
I recommend that you file now before he wastes any more money. 
He doesn't care for you or the kids anymore, take control and give a good dose of reality, otherwise he will never stop. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

leaveorstay said:


> I have a plan in place to divorce, he is trying to convince me to give us another chance. I did get tested.


You can do much better.


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## Hope1964

Whether he actually DID 'sleep with' one or more strippers shouldn't even matter. He WANTED to and INTENDED to. THAT shows you his true colors right there.

The fact that he's turning all of this back on YOU means he isn't the least bit sorry. You need to see a lawyer ASAP and slap him with D papers. He's a cake eating lying cheating POS and he doesn't deserve you.


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## leaveorstay

Thank you for all the responses/ insight. Finding this group has been a blessing for me. I am realizing how manipulative he really is. I knew when going to the strip club or to meet one of them he wld take his wedding ring off & pretend to be single w/ no kids. Tonight I asked him if that was something he did other times or regularly. He immediately got defensive and mad, said how in the world is he suppose to remember that. I said well, I remember clearly that I have never removed my ring and pretended to be single so why can't you remember? That started a big fight, I heard all the ways his cheating (he won't even call it that) is my fault & how I need to make changes to fix this. He is angry I hired a PI & said I'm just as guilty of lieing as him because I kept up the charade of not knowing what he was doing while they followed him. Phoning my lawyer first thing in the morning to proceed with paperwork.


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## Cynthia

leaveorstay said:


> Thank you for all the responses/ insight. Finding this group has been a blessing for me. I am realizing how manipulative he really is. I knew when going to the strip club or to meet one of them he wld take his wedding ring off & pretend to be single w/ no kids. Tonight I asked him if that was something he did other times or regularly. He immediately got defensive and mad, said how in the world is he suppose to remember that. I said well, I remember clearly that I have never removed my ring and pretended to be single so why can't you remember? That started a big fight, I heard all the ways his cheating (he won't even call it that) is my fault & how I need to make changes to fix this. He is angry I hired a PI & said I'm just as guilty of lieing as him because I kept up the charade of not knowing what he was doing while they followed him. Phoning my lawyer first thing in the morning to proceed with paperwork.


Good for you. You are seeing that he is trying to blame you for his evil decisions. He hasn't a leg to stand on, yet somehow this is your fault! Blaming you for hiring a PI to catch him cheating shows how demented his thinking is.


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## lorikeet25

I'm so sorry. But divorce definitely seems like the best option.


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## browser

If your attorney is worth his or her retainer they will tell you to cease having these types of conversations with your soon to be exhusband.


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## GusPolinski

He's lying his ass off.


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## aine

leaveorstay said:


> 18 years of marriage, 2 young kids. Our relationship,has been strained for many years- we both agree he pretty much shut me out a long time ago, views me as the person keeping him from the life of freedom he wants. Sex was very seldom, handful of times a year because he didn't want to or sometimes couldn't. I tried to be the patient understanding wife. I never meet his coworkers/ friends. We rarely go out alone together. We both have admitted we thought about ending it. About 4-5 months ago there was a sudden change, he was interested in sex again & it was great- like when we were in college. He seemingly cldnt keep his hands off me. I wanted to enjoy this but it raised red flags, always a drinker (not to excess) that had escalated to being drunk almost every night even in front of kids, he lost weight, worked out all time, new clothes, etc. Came home one night with lipstick on face, then found a text planning for a friend to cover for him while he went to local hotel instead of to visit friend. I hired a PI. He is going to a strip club several days a week while I think he's at work or meeting a friend for a drink. He has lots of the strippers phone numbers, has several favorites he takes to VIP room regularly, secret acct to fund all this. Started meeting some of them for dates outside of club (dinner, walks in the park). Says he is sorry, things are better than ever between us (seriously??) and we can fix this. Swears he never slept with any of them, & hasn't ever cheated on that level while married. Dosent seem to get the pain he has caused- seeing him walking through a park with his arm around a girl when he barely touched me for so long. My gut says he's still holding back, only admitting what he has to. These girls are a good 20 yrs younger than us. I'm disgusted, hurt, and ready to leave. He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost.


He is lying, of course he has slept with them, why wouldn't he, that is what they are paid to do. He has a secret account to fund all of this.
He is a cheat and a liar.

1. Get yourself STD tested and do not sleep with him anymore, he has lost that privelege
2. Get a lawyer and see what your options are. He blew up the family, so don't let him tell you otherwise
3. Kick him out of the house - if lawyer says it is ok
4. Tell all family and friends about what he has been doing and what he has been spending his money on. This is his shame and burden to bear, not yours!
5. Go and see a counselor or therapist for yourself, you need to stay strong for your kids.
6. Take care of your health and go to gym, eat and rest properly.
7. No contact, do the 180 on him, only communication via lawyer or about kids

It is one thing to cheat but to cheat with strippers and more than one, that is the lowest of the low, if possible ask him to get out of the house. You will heal faster if you do not have to see him or hear from him.

In case you are wavering, remember he doesn't give a **** about you or the family. He has no problems in taking off his wedding ring 
No problem lying to your face
No problem in risking your health
No problem with turning his filthy actions onto you and saying its all your fault
There is no remorse not even guilt for what he has done and what he is still doing.
DUMP him and run as fast as your legs can take you. True 18 years is a long time but you still can have a bright future without such a man. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you.


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## Good Guy

He is a sad excuse for a husband. You deserve so much better.


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## MrsHolland

leaveorstay said:


> I have a plan in place to divorce, *he is trying to convince me to give us another chance*. I did get tested.


Yeah, he is scared of the financial fall out.

Don't let this drop kick steal your life, kick his arse to the curb, heal then go and find a real man.


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## leaveorstay

Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.


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## aine

leaveorstay said:


> Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.



I am so sorry you are going through this. Do not be foolish, he is now the enemy, do not think for one moment he will do right by you. He has already shown you who he is. There is no remorse, he is angry he got caught and is turning it all on you. Stand up for yourself and kids. 

Everyone here is telling you to go and get the lawyer, ask advice, cover yourself, you are going to need it as your WH is not going to do right by you. It sounds like he thinks he can treat you whatever way he wants, rugsweep all and then move on. He needs to know now that that is not going to work. 
Tell his family and your friends, bring this out into the light immediately, he can only succeed with his cheating and his treatment of you, if you hide this from others. Expose expose expose, tell, tell, tell. It will make him angry for sure but he cannot continue to pretend it doesn't matter when everyone knows, this is not your shame but his.
You have to be strong, do not let him bully you and emotionally beat you down. Turn to family and friends for support, do you have a close sibling or friend you can talk to? Get a therapist. There is lots of good advice on here, go and take action, don't let him do this to you.


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## browser

Please stop talking to him. It's going to stress you out more each and every time, it will accomplish nothing.

After all he's done, he won't even leave for a few days for a cooling off period. 

This is one of those cases where I'd like to see the woman go to the family court and say she's afraid of her husband and have him evicted with a temporary restraining order. Which ultimately becomes a permanent eviction because the divorce filing would follow soon after and the court would be petitioned to allow only the wife to remain in the house. 

He deserves worse.


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## Keke24

leaveorstay said:


> Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.



OP, it is good that you recognize that he is trying to manipulate you. Again, this is normal unremorseful cheater behaviour. He is angry because he has been caught and you refuse to believe his lies. If he continues to blame you, it allows him to remove himself from the situation and distance himself from what he's done. It allows him to convince himself that he did what he did because you wronged him and he was only seeking attention to feel better after you made him feel bad. If he can make sure your hurt and pain is not real to him then he won't have to acknowledge it and confront himself for what he's done. This is part of the reason why exposure will help. It will no longer be your pain he'll have to hide from, and you he'll keep lying to, he'll feel the true weight of what he's done when he has to deal with the disapproval and disappointment of others who are close to him.

His dishonesty helped him cheat. When we start lying, it usually snowballs. His lies are becoming bigger and more complex because he needs to cover up other lies. Know that he knows the truth about what really happened. Know that he is choosing to withhold the truth from you. He is choosing to make you feel the way you feel. This is not in your head, this is what he is doing. Know that this is nothing close to the behaviour of someone who is remorseful. He's choosing to do this because this is all about him and protecting himself. Just like the cheating was all about him getting his needs met regardless of the impact it would have on his family, his continuous lying is no different.

How dare he expect you to get over it after that conversation! How dare him?! It's said that 3-5years is the typical time it takes a betrayed spouse to get over being cheated on. That's 3-5years when the betrayer is remorseful and willing to do anything it takes to help their spouse get past what they did, OP. 

Stick to your guns. Stop speaking to him, he's only going to continue his gaslighting and make you feel even more confused than you are. Write down exactly what you need to do if you need a reminder to help you stay focused on your plan. 

Please keep writing to us. We are here to help you and support you however we can.


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## Hope1964

PLEASE stop talking to him. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Maybe you should go to a shelter if he's being aggressive towards you.


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## Openminded

Cheaters tend to rug-sweep and gas-light. Just like he's doing. He isn't remorseful -- just angry he got caught. 

R is a tough road. And it doesn't always work even when both parties want it to. Know your options and don't let him pressure you.


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## browser

Openminded said:


> Cheaters tend to rug-sweep and gas-light. Just like he's doing. He isn't remorseful -- just angry he got caught.


He's also afraid of the consequences of being caught- he might just have to find another place to live and pay support to an exwife who no longer takes his BS.


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## leaveorstay

We are still in the same house, he doesn't want to go & I don't want to disrupt the kids by going to stay with a relative. I am sleeping in the extra room, told the kids it's because daddy's snoring was keeping me up (12 yr old isn't buying that one). He still denies he had sex (of any sort) with anyone else, my gut & the facts say that is a lie. I questioned him about a list of phone numbers he emailed himself in a memo labeled as "suggestions" for a possible upcoming work trip. I had PI investigate #s but hubby doesn't know that. He can't remember this list, has no idea what I'm talking about or who the numbers belong to- numbers are all females. I have screen shots of this list but don't want hubby to know that (not revealing all my cards). He even decided to tell me things I can work on to help him not have these urges again! He still gets very annoyed at any mention or question I have about the strip club/ girls. And for an intelligent person (has a PhD in molecular biology) he seemingly can't remember any details when I ask things, everything is "blurry" or he's not sure. He really thinks a couple of conversations and it should be all is forgiven let's get back to "normal". He was very proud of himself for coming straight home from work this week - so yay for him, 2 days of no strippers.


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## MrsAldi

Suggest counseling together and set up boundaries with transparency on his end. 

I have had problems with my own husband regarding trips away with the guys to strip clubs, I immediately put a stop to it when my instincts were telling me something wasn't adding up. 
Your husband is in a much worse position, he's hiding money, taking them on dates etc etc
He knows you are on to him and is laying low, he's just waiting now until you forget or give in.

Get yourselves into sex therapy and counseling if you want this issue sorted and your marriage better than before. 

He's in denial, he's needs a reality check, that means you being strong and making sure he has consequences. 

Don't use the kids as an excuse to enable his behaviour. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964

leaveorstay said:


> He even decided to tell me things I can work on to help him not have these urges again! He still gets very annoyed at any mention or question I have about the strip club/ girls.


This attitude is UNACCEPTABLE. You need to visit an attorney and get the ball rolling for a divorce. Why do you want to even consider staying with someone who is this disrespectful?? If by some miracle slapping him with D papers wakes him up, you can stop the process. But unless he comes crawling to you begging for R, don't do it.


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## Hope1964

MrsAldi said:


> Suggest counseling together and set up boundaries with transparency on his end.
> 
> I have had problems with my own husband regarding trips away with the guys to strip clubs, I immediately put a stop to it when my instincts were telling me something wasn't adding up.
> Your husband is in a much worse position, he's hiding money, taking them on dates etc etc
> He knows you are on to him and is laying low, he's just waiting now until you forget or give in.
> 
> Get yourselves into sex therapy and counseling if you want this issue sorted and your marriage better than before.
> 
> He's in denial, he's needs a reality check, that means you being strong and making sure he has consequences.
> 
> Don't use the kids as an excuse to enable his behaviour.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Couples counseling and sex therapy aren't going to do squat with him acting the way he is. He doesn't want to work on things!! He wants to keep screwing strippers and have his wife shut her face about it.


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## WonkyNinja

leaveorstay said:


> He was very proud of himself for coming straight home from work this week - so yay for him, 2 days of no strippers.


That sounds like an addict.


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## MrsAldi

Hope1964 said:


> Couples counseling and sex therapy aren't going to do squat with him acting the way he is. He doesn't want to work on things!! He wants to keep screwing strippers and have his wife shut her face about it.


I agree 100% with you, but it seems they to want to work on reconciling, even with the evidence from the PI. Obviously there is a line that he didn't cross yet, but he will cross it eventually, I just hope @leaveorstay has the strength to leave, because he's just getting started.


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## aine

leaveorstay said:


> He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much


It will hurt the kids even more when they see their mum being emotionally abused by their father and deteriorating mentally putting up with a cheating husband. Not the life little girls should be living. When they get older explain why, they will respect you for it and you will be giving them a life lesson on how to be strong women and not take this kind of **** from anyone.

The 12 yr old probably already knows something is wrong, they always do.

Lastly, it is irrelevant whether he had sex or not, he has cheated and gaslighted and is not acting like a man who is remorseful. Go and see a lawyer, you can still file, stop dithering.


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## nekonamida

@leaveorstay

As long as he keeps up this attitude of you needing to let it go and how you need to change things to make this work, you will never reconcile with him and have a safe marriage. He's not doing this because he genuinely wants the marriage to work. He's doing this because the sooner you back off and stop questioning him, the sooner he can go back to dating and sleeping with strippers. He doesn't leave because why would he? You're still here doing the child care, the cooking, the cleaning, and whatever else you bring to the table. Getting a divorce will mean losing out on money he could be spending on the strippers behind your back. You knew in your gut that you should leave and he will do it again. His behavior and the fact that he's acting like you're lucky he's still with you after you caught him cheating says that he will do it again. 

What if your daughter sees him out with a stripper on his arm next time? Do you want her to think that this is just how marriage is and that if her future spouse cheats, she needs to let it go and lose herself making impossible changes to keep a lying cheater? What advice would you give her in this situation? Getting a divorce will hurt like ripping off a band aid but you risk so much more damage to your girls by showing them that this is how a marriage is and teaching them that they have to put up with how your husband treats you in the future. You risk so much more damage to yourself by allowing him to emotionally abuse you by blaming you and twisting yourself into this impossible, ever-changing mold that he wants you to be. It won't work. He will always come up with a new way you didn't meet his needs to justify seeing strippers. All of that is far worse than the temporary pain and confusion a divorce will bring.


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## leaveorstay

I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.


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## Hope1964

leaveorstay said:


> I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.


his behaviour is very typical of cheaters I am sorry to say


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## Openminded

He wants to rug-sweep and move on without doing the work necessary so he's not a good candidate for R. Good to know that sooner rather than later. 

He likely sees himself as a KISA helping all those poor, disadvantaged girls. And there are so many for him to help that he can (and probably will) make it his life's work. Too bad you won't be around to keep the home fires burning for him while he works so hard to save them all. 

This is a difficult time, I know, but your life really be better without the worry of what he'll do next.


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## aine

leaveorstay said:


> I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.


So sorry Leaveorstay but you know and hear all you need to know to take action.

Your WH wants to continue to have his cake and eat it, he doesn't care about the hurt he has caused you or the destruction of his marriage or family unit, that is saying alot.
Please let him have what he wants. You should also tell his family, your friends, everyone. He needs to be hit with the reality of what he has done. He is mad he is being exposed, typical cheater, it is all about self preservation and hiding their actions.

Get a lawyer, make sure you and the kids are covered financially, don't give him any wriggle room. It doesn't matter if he wants to pretend 'to work on it.' He has cheated, it is now YOUR choice to stay or go, he has lost the privilege of making any decisions with regard to your marriage, you tell him this.
Do now waver, stay strong, get counselling but you need rid of this disgusting man.


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## EleGirl

leaveorstay said:


> I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.


It does sound like it's time for you to move on. 

Are you having the PI do anymore work? 

Do you have a lawyer lined up? You might want to talk to one and get your plan of action in place before you tell him you are divorcing him. (I think the above means that you are leaving him, right?)


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## leaveorstay

An update: Thank you again for all the advice, this forum has been a sanity saver. In our state you have to be separated a yr before you can divorce so that is the plan (mine anyway). We are renting our current place (moved here last summer, it's my hometown area so my family is here), lease up in June & that's when school gets out, so plan is to use next 2 months to find a place for kids & I and get things in order. Waiting to tell kids until schools out- 12 yr old has had a hard time with last move, 1st yr of middle school, etc so think it will be better to wait to tell them. 
Husband is being very agreeable with what I want in separation agreement (agrees to handle with minimal atty interference to save $). He knows since I've been a sahm for 12 yrs and all the evidence I have he wld be screwed if it went to court & they wld likely make him pay my fees as well. As far as us- he is all over the place, one day it's I can't make him happy the next it's he'll do whatever it takes to fix it. Problem with fixing it is I still don't think I've gotten whole truth from him & he wants major rug sweeping. "He's a changed man!"-- isn't that nice- 3 weeks after I exposed him he is a new person! He takes no responsibility for his actions, "he needed it", "it helped him", " it will make us better", blah blah. Says he was getting tired of the strip club anyway, well of course he was- he was dating them so why go to the club as much? Seems to forget that he didn't stop his behavior or confess until I exposed his lies!
If we try to discuss he always turns it on me, "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." He wants to be with me when I'm happy and flirty but when I am mad he wants to leave. Told him I'm not a fake stripper pretending to want him so he'll open his wallet. So I guess I'm not allowed the normal human emotions that occur when cheated on and if I want him to stay I need to stroke his ego constantly! What a load of ****! And he still thinks the outcome is up to him- that really amuses me! 
I don't know what happened to the man I married. Mid life crisis maybe, he's going to be on his own soon enough- can get all the "variety" & "buffet of women" he can handle ( won't have much $ for the strippers though)


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## leaveorstay

EleGirl said:


> It does sound like it's time for you to move on.
> 
> Are you having the PI do anymore work?
> 
> Do you have a lawyer lined up? You might want to talk to one and get your plan of action in place before you tell him you are divorcing him. (I think the above means that you are leaving him, right?)


Yes, plan is to leave.
PI is not doing work but was pretty taken with the whole situation so told me if I get the slightest feeling hubs is back at the strip club to call & he'll go check it out free of charge. The hubs is still suspicious that I'm tracking him so I don't think he will go anytime soon. He's in total lockdown mode (opposite of what he shld be doing), changing passwords, making sure he logs out of all accts on all devices, even hiding his cell phone at night. Not exactly how you behave if you truly want to work things out. But, you know, I betrayed his trust by hiring the PI 😂🙄


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## aine

Leaveorstay, you are making the right decision, your WH is only concerned about himself, he doesn't give a **** about your and the damage and hurt he has caused. Use this time to make yourself stronger, try and save a little bit of money, go see a counsellor and be the best mum you can be. I wish you all the best, you deserve way more than what your WH is offering.


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## Keke24

Wow, he is beyond delusional. I can't believe that he is still blaming you. That is absurd and his comment "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." is extremely offensive. 

OP, the strength and resolve you're showing here is truly impressive. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with your husband's behavior considering he presented a completely different person throughout your marriage. Most betrayed spouses have a difficult time refusing to accept the blame that their cheating spouses try to deflect unto them. Most betrayed spouses resort to codependent behavior to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation. 

I do hope he will be the one to tell the kids, or at least that the whole burden of this revelation will not rest squarely on your shoulders.


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## 3Xnocharm

leaveorstay said:


> He takes no responsibility for his actions, "he needed it", "it helped him", " it will make us better", blah blah. Says he was getting tired of the strip club anyway, well of course he was- he was dating them so why go to the club as much? Seems to forget that he didn't stop his behavior or confess until I exposed his lies!
> If we try to discuss he always turns it on me, "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." He wants to be with me when I'm happy and flirty but when I am mad he wants to leave. Told him I'm not a fake stripper pretending to want him so he'll open his wallet. So I guess I'm not allowed the normal human emotions that occur when cheated on and if I want him to stay I need to stroke his ego constantly! What a load of ****! And he still thinks the outcome is up to him- that really amuses me!
> I don't know what happened to the man I married. Mid life crisis maybe, he's going to be on his own soon enough- can get all the "variety" & "buffet of women" he can handle ( won't have much $ for the strippers though)


This seriously made me throw up in my mouth a little, how disgusting! I am so glad to read you are ending this, this is one of the worst I have read, this man is sick. Stop talking to him, read up on doing the 180 and implement.


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## jb02157

leaveorstay said:


> Yes, plan is to leave.
> PI is not doing work but was pretty taken with the whole situation so told me if I get the slightest feeling hubs is back at the strip club to call & he'll go check it out free of charge. The hubs is still suspicious that I'm tracking him so I don't think he will go anytime soon. He's in total lockdown mode (opposite of what he shld be doing), changing passwords, making sure he logs out of all accts on all devices, even hiding his cell phone at night. Not exactly how you behave if you truly want to work things out. But, you know, I betrayed his trust by hiring the PI 😂🙄


He should be working on being absolutely transparent with you in everything instead of being in lockdown mode if he wanted to possibly save the marriage. It clear that's not what he wants. He wants things to be business as usual with him able to see other woman. He doesn't get it.


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