# Totally Confused



## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

The story goes...we married young 20 and 22..have been together for 16 years and married for 12 and have two kids. I was more of a provider than a lover for the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage so I know we had some problems...but things have changed and we have come a lot closer together falling deeper in love and getting our lives on track. But In June of 2011 I noticed that my wife was growing more distant, playing online games a lot into the late hours of the night. (I work early so I go to bed early) I did not get really worried until I noticed a bunch of odd late night phone calsl to out of state numbers, so I started checking up on what she was doing. She had made a couple of online friends on her gaming site and has been making late night phone calls and sending pictures back and fourth. One night after a party she confessed the whole thing to me...she said they were just friends and it was nice to have another man to talk to and in no way was it at all sexual...we talked about further it and I forgave her...she promised to never let it happen again. Here we are 6 months or so later and I notice another odd out of state phone call on the bill..so I start checking deeper this time. She has made many more online male friends, that she exchanges pictures with and text's back and fourth...I also come to find out that her online chatting is very dirty and sexual...and in some of the emails and chats she talks about how much she loves some of these men and wants to be with them...in one email she sent she actually told the guy she loves him and cant wait to tell him in person. I have made a promise to her the last time that I would be more affectionate and be a more loving husband and that I wanted her to talk to me about thing more... I have drastically changed my ways, for I don't want to lose the love of my life...and every day we tell each other how much we are in love and if you didn't know any better you would think it all true. But she has this dirty little secret, and it breaks my heart..if I confront her about it I just know she will go ballistic!(she thinks that my checking up on her is worse than what she did) I don't know what to do, and I need some advice...do I let this keep going on and see if she comes around on her own? Do I confront her, and have her turn it around on me as being a spy into her personal life? (which she will do, she had a hard time with the fact that I checked out the phone numbers the first time) I cant keep going at this much longer, but now that I know it is going on I keep checking in on her activities online to see if they have changed...NOTE they have not gotten any better. Why would my wife, the mother of my children, who exclaims her love to me every day, who on the outside appears to passionately love and care for me, have a secret like this? Is it just the rush of talking to another man making her feel young and single again? I can totally understand that, but then why would she be expressing her love to them as well? I desperately need answers that she will not likely give me...so if any of you ladies out there that have done this before, or know what she might be going through...please I would love to hear about it.

Thanks

Andrew


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I discovered my husband's relationships with women online he originally got very upset and made comments about me snooping. At one point he said that he could not trust me because I was snooping.

My reply to him was that he can always trust me. He can trust that I will do what it necessary to protect our relationship and myself. If that means I have to snoop, then he can be sure I will do it. It was the last time he said he could not trust me.

Is your wife only talking to one guy now? Or is she leading two or more on like this right now?


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

At least 2...possibly more...the thing I don't get either is the photos she sends are from before she had children...and she describes herself as she was 12 years ago...my wife never even swears ...but some of the graphic things she talks about with these men would make a sailor blush...no offense I was one...but she knows I am open to anything...yet she never talks to me that way....its like she has a second personality online...what keeps eating at me is how she tells them she lives them! I don't know if I can ever trust her again...or believe anything she tells me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmandaLee (Jan 3, 2012)

i just recently found out that my hubby is flirting with anothe rgirl at work and online


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

What my wife is doing is beyond flirting...I consider it an EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

AndrewJD said:


> At least 2...possibly more...the thing I don't get either is the photos she sends are from before she had children...and she describes herself as she was 12 years ago...my wife never even swears ...but some of the graphic things she talks about with these men would make a sailor blush...no offense I was one...but she knows I am open to anything...yet she never talks to me that way....its like she has a second personality online...what keeps eating at me is how she tells them she lives them! I don't know if I can ever trust her again...or believe anything she tells me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so sorry your going throught this bull crap.

My opinion is you must confront or it will eat away at you until your confidence is gone and your zest for life is used up.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Agree with Chilly (Wow, Chilly, we agree on something!  )

If you don't bite this now you'll feel worse and worse about yourself. 

This is full blown EA.. You deserve to be happy. Not this crap. 

Think she'd be willing to stop when you confront her? If you don't, there's probably your answer there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andrew, 

Does each of these guys seem to think that they are the only one? 

What I did with my husband's online affairs (one or two turned physical when he traveled to they town they lived in) was that I contacted each via chat and via telephone if I could find their phone numbers. Then I sent each of them all of the chats to all of the others. So then they all knew that they were just one pawn in a big game.

Your wife is doing what a lot of people do online.. they pretend to be who/what they want to be. They show old photos, make up stories, etc. 

My husband never told any of the women that he was married. He told them that he was divorced with custody of his two children. This was true.. but he was also remarried to me.

My advice is to gather as much proof as you can. Don't show it to your wife. Tell her that you know, what she has to come clean. That you know everything. That if she wants to stay married to you, she will have to send no contact letters/emails/chats to each of the men. She will have to tell them that she choses you and your marriage and that she will never have any contact again.

Then she has to allow you to do as you please. If you want to contact each of the men and talk to them you have that right. If any of them are married their spouse (or significant other) has to be told. 

Your wife has to agree to never go online to play games, etc again. She has to agree to you installing a keylogger on all computers in your home. She has to give you the password to her cell, computers, all email, chat, games, etc.

Anything short of her doing all of the above and you will never be able to trust her again.

You have let her know that you will not accept this behavior from her. You have to set the boundaries in which you are willing to live.


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

That is very good advice. And yes it sounds like she is leading all of them on...almost like she is dating each one of them online and via text and chat separately. The thing I don't get is, she tells them all she is married and none of them even care. I'm not sure what kind of story she has told them about our marriage, or even if the men would care, or if they are just looking to get lucky. It sad really, the way she is deceiving them as well...but I guess they deserve it since they continue with the EA knowing she is a married woman.

Every time we get into an argument she becomes very hostile and places all the blame for our problems on me...even tho she knows she is partly at fault...and she threatens to leave me and take our children away, which leads me to believe that she is not happy with me, even tho she says she is. Just this morning she was saying what a wonderful man I am and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me...this is what has me so confused...can I believe her? I want to! 

I am going to give it a few more weeks and see if maybe things die down or she loses interest...if not I will have to confront her no matter what the consequences...tho I know she will turn it all around on me saying I am a spy and its none of my business, that it is all my fault.

I am not a perfect husband...I did neglect her a lot for a few years...tho not intentionally, I was trying to provide for her and my children...but as I reflect back on it I can see how she felt neglected...and I honestly am trying to make it up to her. What she doesn't understand is that I was neglected as well... I worked long hours and had many sleepless nights without her trying to make ends meat for the good of our family.

When this happened the first time I begged her to go with me to a counselor and try to work out our issues...she refused saying she dose not need help figuring things out...that we can do it on our own...and of course over the past 6 months I guess that is what she has been doing to fix things (building online relationships with other men).

I keep trying to convince myself that it is her way of crying for help, almost like she expected me to check up on her again...but I intercepted a chat between her and one of her men about how I had figured out her email password once before so she changed it. So she is definitely trying to keep it from me. 

I just know that if I confront her she will surely leave and take my children away...I have to get her to come clean to me on her own and if she does not do it soon...then I know it will have to be over..but at least if I cant save my marriage, to the only woman I will ever love..then I can start the fight to save my kids from living without their father! This Sucks!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You don't give her weeks, you get it over with right now. Waiting does nothing...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

OliveAdventure said:


> Agree with Chilly (Wow, Chilly, we agree on something!  )
> 
> 
> LOL. :smthumbup:


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> You don't give her weeks, you get it over with right now. Waiting does nothing...


This makes it sound so much easier than it is...


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

It sucks SO much to think about the changes that need to be made once you do this, hey? 

I can sympathize. My only warning is if you let it go on too long, something will happen that you WILL not like, that will force the separation to happen fast and dirty... I suggest not waiting and doing it on your terms... 

Best of luck.. Maybe you guys can work through it and come to a point where you can begin the R process.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

AndrewJD said:


> Every time we get into an argument she becomes very hostile and places all the blame for our problems on me...even tho she knows she is partly at fault...and she threatens to leave me and take our children away, which leads me to believe that she is not happy with me, even tho she says she is. Just this morning she was saying what a wonderful man I am and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me...this is what has me so confused...can I believe her? I want to!
> 
> I am going to give it a few more weeks and see if maybe things die down or she loses interest...if not I will have to confront her no matter what the consequences...
> 
> ...


Andrew,

Getting things out in the open immediately has a lot of merit, but it would not be my suggestion. The benefits I see from waiting are that you can get the situation into perspective and work out an effective course of action with a plan for all contingencies before you act.

I look at your wife's activities as a type of compulsive, addictive behavior, the same as secret drinking or shooting up. But there is no physical damage to her or and the victim (you) so it is easy for her to make light of it. She is not crying for help, she is addicted like all addicts, she loves her addiction more than anything else.

As bad as this is, I think her threatening to leave and take the children over a disagreement is worse. Thinking she can take the kids shows a sense of entitlement and grandiosity, threatening to leave is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Every day you profess love to each other, but at the first sigh of disagreement we have hostility, blaming and threatening (to leave)? There seems to be a disconnect here.

Myself, I would voice my unhappiness over disrespectful conflict resolution and work this through until there is firm agreement that there will be no more talking about "taking the kids and leaving". Only after I had a firm agreement in hand would I start to plan my strategy for inappropriate online behavior.

But continue to keep an eye on things. What would happen if the computer broke? How about a failure of your internet connection? You don't have to have a direct confrontation to make what she is doing more difficult.


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

I am starting to see things the same way...but man computer breakdown and internet failure would be easy to do, but put a big strain on the whole family...we have multiple computers and my kids need internet for school work...but yes I get the point...I want a way to turn off her access to her addiction. I have thought of a few ways to accomplish this that may work. But it is an addiction...it has to be...it's the only explanation that makes sense anyway. I think the kids will be at my parents tonight...maybe I can work some information out of her without a confrontation...wish me luck!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AndrewJD said:


> This makes it sound so much easier than it is...


My wife waited around for 2 months hoping for the best...

Guess what it didn't work, I slept with the OW over and over and over and over, practically lived at her place.

The day my wife acted to kick me out, she finally got her message through loud and clear.

It is easier than it sounds but most people are too scared to act because they're afraid of losing.

YOU DON'T GET IT, YOU'VE ALREADY LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you got nothing to lose anymore at that point.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

AndrewJD said:


> I am starting to see things the same way...but man computer breakdown and internet failure would be easy to do, but put a big strain on the whole family...we have multiple computers and my kids need internet for school work...but yes I get the point...I want a way to turn off her access to her addiction. I have thought of a few ways to accomplish this that may work. But it is an addiction...it has to be...it's the only explanation that makes sense anyway. I think the kids will be at my parents tonight...maybe I can work some information out of her without a confrontation...wish me luck!


Find the location of a 12-step program for this problem. There are plenty of them around. Tell you wife you have the problem, confess to her what you are doing (from her playbook), ask for her help and try to get her to come to meetings with you for your problem. Just an idea. People do this all the time, kind of a mini-intervention. I'm sure you can see how exciting the activity must be for your wife. She shows signs of a compulsive personality and she's gotten in over her head. Never underestimate the ability of an addict to think what they are doing is OK.


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## AndrewJD (Jan 3, 2012)

My latest update here...I logged into her online game account and took down the names of many of the players I know she chats with regularly...I made my own fake account and sent each of them a message telling them to watch out for her, that she is using them..blah...blah...we shall see if it makes any kind of impression...but I like the 12 step program idea....maybe I will look into that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The longer you wait the worse it will be. If it hasn't gone to far already. How do you know she hasn't met up with any of these guys. If she hasn't she eventually will. There are many of these kinds of affairs in the Coping With Infidelity section. Most are as bad or worse than any affair.

Do whatever you have to to stop this. Print out the evidence you have so she can't erase it. She's having online sex with other men.Make copies and hide at least one so it can't be destroyed. Confront her and demand no more gaming chating etc. Put a keylogger on the computer to make sure she stops. Don't tell her about the keylogger. She is lying and betraying you . Stop it now.


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