# Unproductive Needy Family Members



## Yeswecan

Does anyone have one of the following types of family members? How do you handle said family member? Do you associate with them? Do you help when help is needed but find it has become a consistent wanting of help financially or otherwise? Manipulates or pulls the heart strings for help? When do you draw the line? 

Your family member exhibits the following: 
1. Plays the system. IE, continuous revolving door of unemployment to collect unemployment. Works as a caregiver to a "disabled" family member and collects from the state. Family member is not disabled. Makes a career of working the state for free items, income and payment of utilities. Has made a career of working the state. 
2. Moves from rental to rental as a result of eviction. 
3. Constantly plays the victim role. 

What do you do with your family member who runs their life as above? More so specifically, when the family member starts to work you, your wallet, plays the down on their luck. Yet, has done nothing to move forward in life or prepared for a future.


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## chillymorn69

How old are these family members?

If thery are older late 20 or 30 then I would tell them straight. 

Listen I want to help...I really do but I feel taken advantage of because of your history of not trying very hard at improving your situation. I wasn't born last night and I didn't just fall off the turnip cart. So please don't give me the sob story that you just can't catch a break.

Its time to pull up your boot straps and make your own way in this world.

If you need help with that And i can afford to I will help but there are limits. I need to see you make strides to turn your life around.


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## Cromer

You described most of my side of the family to a "T". Years ago, I somehow became the family ATM. When I wouldn't "help someone out" people (e.g. mother and aunt) would guilt me by saying that I'm so fortunate and blessed and should help the family. Well, I didn't get "fortunate" by accident. Finally, I put my foot down, and when the begging didn't stop I cut all contact. I don't speak to anyone from my side of the family except my sister and haven't for years.


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## brooklynAnn

Thats my youngest BIL, he works. Has a nice union welding job in NYC and nevr have a dime . He wife left him for 6 month and went off with some guy. During that time he couldnt work...my H and his cousin paid all his bills. His wife came back after 6 months broke and she needs $5000. I just looked at my H and he said i am not that stupid to guve him money for her. Now he hates us for not helping him.

A few days ago he called my H for money to buy work boots. What can you do?😥

They hate you until they need you.


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## Yeswecan

chillymorn69 said:


> How old are these family members?
> 
> If thery are older late 20 or 30 then I would tell them straight.
> 
> Listen I want to help...I really do but I feel taken advantage of because of your history of not trying very hard at improving your situation. I wasn't born last night and I didn't just fall off the turnip cart. So please don't give me the sob story that you just can't catch a break.
> 
> Its time to pull up your boot straps and make your own way in this world.
> 
> If you need help with that And i can afford to I will help but there are limits. I need to see you make strides to turn your life around.



The family member is 51. Been on the freeloading bandwagon for 30 years. I mean, really created a life of working the system. This family member has exhausted all means of income(state, working over family members checkbooks, credit cards). Their credit history is not for crap as a result of not paying cards. Further...has not been a part of family activity(falling out 25 years ago).

Now the catch. Said family member had to get surgery that requires follow up doctor visits for several weeks/months. No vehicle. Very little money. Children(grown) of no help. One believes family members should get his mom an apartment. Husband is a partner in crime with working the system as a career. Currently working the system as disabled and lives elsewhere. 

I understand family is family....to a point. But, how to handle the heartstrings of needing a ride a few times a week to the doctors. Need cash for meds. Specifically when said family member had created a falling out years ago, been absent with exception of grapevine chatter and knowingly been working the system getting themselves into this spot.


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## personofinterest

I'd tell them to find a way to support themselves.


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## Yeswecan

Cromer said:


> You described most of my side of the family to a "T". Years ago, I somehow became the family ATM. When I wouldn't "help someone out" people (e.g. mother and aunt) would guilt me by saying that I'm so fortunate and blessed and should help the family. Well, I didn't get "fortunate" by accident. Finally, I put my foot down, and when the begging didn't stop I cut all contact. I don't speak to anyone from my side of the family except my sister and haven't for years.


Sounds like my situation. However, son(18yo) of mother feels that everyone in the family is "rich" and should get his mom an apartment since a medical issue as presented itself. As you said, getting rich requires our butts to go to work daily and not spend our time finding ways to work the system. This family member really has made a career out of working the system. 

At any rate, communication was cut 20 years ago(some limited communication in between). Now a medical issue has surfaced for said family member and has began manipulating for things. 

It is one of those deals were you want to help but you just know from past experience it is throwing good money after bad.


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## brooklynAnn

Yeswecan said:


> The family member is 51. Been on the freeloading bandwagon for 30 years. I mean, really created a life of working the system. This family member has exhausted all means of income(state, working over family members checkbooks, credit cards). Their credit history is not for crap as a result of not paying cards. Further...has not been a part of family activity(falling out 25 years ago).
> 
> Now the catch. Said family member had to get surgery that requires follow up doctor visits for several weeks/months. No vehicle. Very little money. Children(grown) of no help. One believes family members should get his mom an apartment. Husband is a partner in crime with working the system as a career. Currently working the system as disabled and lives elsewhere.
> 
> I understand family is family....to a point. But, how to handle the heartstrings of needing a ride a few times a week to the doctors. Need cash for meds. Specifically when said family member had created a falling out years ago, been absent with exception of grapevine chatter and knowingly been working the system getting themselves into this spot.


Unfortunately, I am a sucker and is married to a bigger sucker. If they really need help getting to doc. I will gave them a ride if i can. I will pay for the meds at the pharmacy myself. And let this person know thats the extend of the help. I am trying to grow a spine with peopke trying to use me. It's slowly forming.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> Thats my youngest BIL, he works. Has a nice union welding job in NYC and nevr have a dime . He wife left him for 6 month and went off with some guy. During that time he couldnt work...my H and his cousin paid all his bills. His wife came back after 6 months broke and she needs $5000. I just looked at my H and he said i am not that stupid to guve him money for her. Now he hates us for not helping him.
> 
> A few days ago he called my H for money to buy work boots. What can you do?&#55357;&#56869;
> 
> They hate you until they need you.


I understand completely. Enough is enough deal. Once the precedent is set(lending/giving money) because they are "down on the luck" it becomes expected. When assistance monetarily is not given they hate you. We been there with this one already.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> Unfortunately, I am a sucker and is married to a bigger sucker. If they really need help getting to doc. I will gave them a ride if i can. I will pay for the meds at the pharmacy myself. And let this person know thats the extend of the help. I am trying to grow a spine with peopke trying to use me. It's slowly forming.


We are doing the same but some feed on that (your heart strings) and want more. Expect more because the have become "entitled" from years of believing they are "entitled" because they paid 3 years of taxes at a regular job. Plus, there is money and you should share in your good fortune as they sit on the couch looking on the internet for more ways to beat the system.


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## Cromer

Yeswecan said:


> Sounds like my situation. However, son(18yo) of mother feels that everyone in the family is "rich" and should get his mom an apartment since a medical issue as presented itself. As you said, getting rich requires our butts to go to work daily and not spend our time finding ways to work the system. This family member really has made a career out of working the system.
> 
> At any rate, communication was cut 20 years ago(some limited communication in between). Now a medical issue has surfaced for said family member and has began manipulating for things.
> 
> It is one of those deals were you want to help but you just know from past experience it is throwing good money after bad.


I paid an entire year's rent up front for a family member once so she could get an apartment. She couldn't get past a credit check. She was 50+ yo and had a host of medical issues and I was basically guilted into doing it. I told her that if she spent the kind of energy and effort on a job that she did scheming to get things from the government, that she'd be a wealthy woman. 

Then she asked for more, for example to pay for a lawyer when her son got thrown in jail on drug charges, pay for her electric bill, etc. I finally said no more and guess what? She managed to survive without me. Turns out she was spending her direct assistance money from the state on Percocet, $10/pill from a dealer, and had been doing it for years.


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## brooklynAnn

Yeswecsn, no good deed ever goes unpunished. You give and it becomes your problem. Then, she will call you directly for help. If you want to offer some money do it thru your mum. Thats what we do...give it to my MIL to pass it along.

But dont rent an apartment for anyone. Because before you know it the landlord will be after you for rent and damages. It becomes your responsibility. 

I dont need anymore responsibilities in my life. I dont know about you.


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## Cromer

brooklynAnn said:


> Unfortunately, I am a sucker and is married to a bigger sucker. If they really need help getting to doc. I will gave them a ride if i can. I will pay for the meds at the pharmacy myself. And let this person know thats the extend of the help. I am trying to grow a spine with peopke trying to use me. It's slowly forming.


It took a while to find my spine. The final straw was when I paid my brother's rent on a trailer so he wouldn't get evicted, then a few weeks later he was "vacationing" at the beach with his skank gf and got busted for drugs. I refused to bail him out or get him a lawyer and stopped talking to him altogether.


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## Yeswecan

Cromer said:


> I paid an entire year's rent up front for a family member once so she could get an apartment. She couldn't get past a credit check. She was 50+ yo and had a host of medical issues and I was basically guilted into doing it. I told her that if she spent the kind of energy and effort on a job that she did scheming to get things from the government, that she'd be a wealthy woman.
> 
> Then she asked for more, for example to pay for a lawyer when her son got thrown in jail on drug charges, pay for her electric bill, etc. I finally said no more and guess what? She managed to survive without me. Turns out she was spending her direct assistance money from the state on Percocet, $10/pill from a dealer, and had been doing it for years.


This is the family member in nutshell. Further, her H was a partner in all of this. The kids have followed in their footsteps. Did not complete HS. One is on drugs. They got themselves to this point of having absolutely nothing but spent a better part of 20 years doing all they can to get it for FREE.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> Yeswecsn, no good deed ever goes unpunished. You give and it becomes your problem. Then, she will call you directly for help. If you want to offer some money do it thru your mum. Thats what we do...give it to my MIL to pass it along.
> 
> But dont rent an apartment for anyone. Because before you know it the landlord will be after you for rent and damages. It becomes your responsibility.
> 
> I dont need anymore responsibilities in my life. I dont know about you.


All parents both side of family are passed. The family home was given to this family member and promptly foreclosed. 

You are right. Once you give, their problem is now your problem. She already calls directly. She manipulated my W with false tears and what a bad day it was. This went on for 30 minutes. It worked. My W who has not had much communication with for 20 years with her sister. She has been bashed and belittle to other family members by her sister. She pulled the heart strings. It worked. My W did not see the manipulation. 

You are so right, I don't need anymore responsibility in my life.


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## john117

I call these "my children"... 

 Optional...


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## Yeswecan

Cromer said:


> It took a while to find my spine. The final straw was when I paid my brother's rent on a trailer so he wouldn't get evicted, then a few weeks later he was "vacationing" at the beach with his skank gf and got busted for drugs. I refused to bail him out or get him a lawyer and stopped talking to him altogether.


Oh hell....I have seen this as well. Cry broke. Next day they have the latest and greatest cellphone and Nike sneakers. I don't play that game.


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## Cromer

Yeswecan said:


> This is the family member in nutshell. Further, her H was a partner in all of this. The kids have followed in their footsteps. Did not complete HS. One is on drugs. They got themselves to this point of having absolutely nothing but spent a better part of 20 years doing all they can to get it for FREE.


Yep, all of her kids are a mess, same exact thing.


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## Yeswecan

Cromer said:


> Yep, all of her kids are a mess, same exact thing.


Products of their environment. It is not the kids fault. The parents are awful and should not have had kids. But I'm not their parachute. One of the kids believes other family members should provide for him and his mom. The sense of entitlement.


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## Yeswecan

brooklynAnn said:


> Unfortunately, I am a sucker and is married to a bigger sucker. If they really need help getting to doc. I will gave them a ride if i can. I will pay for the meds at the pharmacy myself. And let this person know thats the extend of the help. I am trying to grow a spine with peopke trying to use me. It's slowly forming.


At the end of the day I have to go with how you handled it. Provide a ride if we can. Help with meds. No other help. Get well. Get a job. Millions of people do it everyday. She can as well. 

This would be so much different if this issue sidetracked their life(job/home). It is not the first time. There was a time were they both were working. Had a nice rental home. My W and I gave them a car we were done with. Just not practical for us anymore. It was in top shape. Within a year it was destroyed. There was a few weeks they had no money. We not only did the grocery shopping and made the meal plan for the week...the food was dropped at their door! It all went down hill from there.


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## Andy1001

My girlfriend had been giving her Mom “loans” for years that were never paid back.When my girlfriends business almost went under about eighteen months ago she sold it and she had about two hundred grand left and Mommy dearest asked for half of it.My gf refused for the first time ever and it caused a ****storm.Mom then claimed she needed the money for house repairs but my gf still said no.
She hasn’t spoken to us since and during this time we had a baby,her husband was a arrested on a dui,I paid his bail and got him a lawyer which I also paid for and her other three daughters work for me.
Still not a word.
With people like this doing them a favor quickly becomes your duty.


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## sa58

Stop being an enabler!
As long as you are doing things for
them , loans,and paying their bills
they will keep coming back for more.
The kids, family, will never stand on 
their own if you continue bailing them
out of trouble. What would happen to
them if you were not around? I only help
family members who have helped me in the
past. (Nothing Major) My own children unless
they can prove its an emergency their on their 
own. The have to learn to grow up and take 
car and themselves.Mom and dad will not be
around forever.


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## Blondilocks

Senior centers often have volunteers who will transport people to doctor appointments. There are agencies in your local county who could refer your relative to sources for assistance.

As for money - "It's tax time!". You can bet your assistance won' t be appreciated because you're just a sucker to them.


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## Ms. GP

I always try to remember that "no" is a complete sentence. No need to explain yourself. A simple no that doesn't work for us. I'll be honest. I'm a lot bolder via text than over the phone. I also try to keep in mind if I say no and the person keeps persisting, from that moment on the person is trying to control me. Keeping that in mind helps me stick to my guns more. Good luck. I truly believe family members are able to push our buttons because they are the ones who installed them. Do what you are comfortable with. It's not your problem to fix.


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## PDXGuardsman

Three words...learned helplessness and enabling 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Man oh man... have we ever “been there, done that”.

Like Mrs. Gus says, money don’t solve money problems.

51 years old? LOL.

Nope.


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## GusPolinski

PDXGuardsman said:


> Three words...learned helplessness and enabling


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## As'laDain

Yeswecan said:


> Does anyone have one of the following types of family members? How do you handle said family member? Do you associate with them? Do you help when help is needed but find it has become a consistent wanting of help financially or otherwise? Manipulates or pulls the heart strings for help? When do you draw the line?
> 
> Your family member exhibits the following:
> 1. Plays the system. IE, continuous revolving door of unemployment to collect unemployment. Works as a caregiver to a "disabled" family member and collects from the state. Family member is not disabled. Makes a career of working the state for free items, income and payment of utilities. Has made a career of working the state.
> 2. Moves from rental to rental as a result of eviction.
> 3. Constantly plays the victim role.
> 
> What do you do with your family member who runs their life as above? More so specifically, when the family member starts to work you, your wallet, plays the down on their luck. Yet, has done nothing to move forward in life or prepared for a future.



i gave my sister a list of things she had to do in order to have access to my assistance, and a time frame for when she had to do them. at the time, she was living with me and had zero bills to pay. i was even paying her husbands lawyer while he was in jail(he gets out later this year). 

the list included getting a job, saving her money, applying for student aid, and going back to college. she had to at least accomplish those things within a year. she didn't, so i told her to find her own place to live. 

she is actually doing a lot better now. she has a career planned out in waste water management, is investing in a retirement account, has her own vehicle, and is setting things up so that her husband can join her in the waste water management career, which is an area he can still find work with a criminal record. plus, the prison he is in has a program for them to learn waste water management.

i kinda figured it would end up going down the way it did. i modeled responsible living for her for a year while giving her every opportunity to take charge of her life, and then pushed her out to take charge of her own life. she quickly figured it out and now shows a LOT of gratitude for what i did for her, which she did not do when she was living with me. she does not ask for anything though, just shares with me how well she is doing and how excited she is for the future.


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## As'laDain

Yeswecan said:


> Sounds like my situation. However, son(18yo) of mother feels that everyone in the family is "rich" and should get his mom an apartment since a medical issue as presented itself. As you said, getting rich requires our butts to go to work daily and not spend our time finding ways to work the system. This family member really has made a career out of working the system.
> 
> At any rate, communication was cut 20 years ago(some limited communication in between). Now a medical issue has surfaced for said family member and has began manipulating for things.
> 
> It is one of those deals were you want to help but you just know from past experience it is throwing good money after bad.


in those kinds of cases, i will offer a minimum level of assistance that leaves them in an uncomfortable position. 

for instance, i told my sister that if she cannot find a place to live, she can sleep in one of our barns. she wont get arrested for vagrancy, it is secure and free, just quite uncomfortable. it would get the job done, but would suck when the weather was bad...

i was also willing to buy her a cheap small scooter that could go about 20 miles per hour if she needed a vehicle. if she needed food, she was welcome to any the wild edible plants on the property(which i regularly eat myself) as well as helping herself to some of our beans and rice. 

those basic things are things i am willing to offer just about anyone, really. at times, i have had less. hell, there have been times when i ran 42 miles into work and back when my car broke down...


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## Edo Edo

Yeswecan said:


> Does anyone have one of the following types of family members? How do you handle said family member? Do you associate with them? Do you help when help is needed but find it has become a consistent wanting of help financially or otherwise? Manipulates or pulls the heart strings for help? When do you draw the line?
> 
> Your family member exhibits the following:
> 1. Plays the system. IE, continuous revolving door of unemployment to collect unemployment. Works as a caregiver to a "disabled" family member and collects from the state. Family member is not disabled. Makes a career of working the state for free items, income and payment of utilities. Has made a career of working the state.
> 2. Moves from rental to rental as a result of eviction.
> 3. Constantly plays the victim role.
> 
> What do you do with your family member who runs their life as above? More so specifically, when the family member starts to work you, your wallet, plays the down on their luck. Yet, has done nothing to move forward in life or prepared for a future.




There's a difference between a responsible person having a run of bad luck and the situation you describe here. I have little sympathy for the case portrayed above. In these situations, I will open my ear to listen or my mouth for advice, but my wallet stays firmly and permanently closed.
(And some times that "family member's" reaction to that will speak volumes too...)


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## Yeswecan

Edo Edo said:


> There's a difference between a responsible person having a run of bad luck and the situation you describe here. I have little sympathy for the case portrayed above. In these situations, I will open my ear to listen or my mouth for advice, but my wallet stays firmly and permanently closed.
> (And some times that "family member's" reaction to that will speak volumes too...)



Edo, 

Yes, I'm sympathetic to her medical issue certainly. However, not the life she has lived and where she finds herself. My W made a VERY good point. The only thing that has changed for her sister is the medical issue. How she lived in the past and continues to live today is simply who she is. Nothing has changed for the her in how she is living. It is not a down on your luck kind of thing. 

No assistance is forthcoming monetarily or housing. A trip to the doctors if available to do so, yes. That is the extent of it.


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## michzz

I used to give assistance to two of my brothers who in 30+ years have never gotten off the bottom of the employment ladder or just jumped off it.

It never resulted in any of the goals set for getting said assistance. Cars, computers, money, clothes, you name it. Countless job leads too.

I no longer do it. I just say no or ignore the situation.

My limit is if they go to a family gathering I do load them up with leftovers.

One of them is a hoarder and and my sisters didn't know that, decided to have him live with our mom when our dad died, to take care of her.

What a huge mistake!

He wrecked the place with his crap and didn't take care of her either. Her health failed and we had to sell the place. Removing him took a year!

Our sister got him into a trailer she paid for in San Bernardino County not far by bus from the VA Hospital so he could go there. His response? He would have preferred an apartment in a better part of town!

When he said that to me, I lit into him saying that there is nothing stopping you from getting that if you want it, just pay for it yourself. You should be grateful for anything someone gives to you for free.

His response?

To swear at me.

Nope, not one thin dime more.


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