# Wife being deceptive, need advice!



## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

Here's the situation: my wife was texting with a former co-worker and when I got a funny feeling about it I asked her to stop. She did for a while but I've caught her texting him 3 times over the last 6 weeks. Each time she lied about it until I was able to prove to her that I knew about it. The texts are innocent, nothing suspicious it's just that she's not honoring or respecting my wishes. Last night when she went to run some errands she stopped by that guy's work to talk to "someone else." The reason I found out was b.c he texted her about her visit, she initially lied then confessed. Each time she does this she lies then confesses, then apologizes and says things like "I won't do it again....I'm sorry....I won't disregard your wishes anymore.... I've realized what I've done blagh blagh blagh"

Each time this happens I feel that she's losing a little respect for me and also I can't take her words seriously, they're just words which causes me to not believe her or take her serious, I think I've lost some respect for her. I don't know how to handle this, I'd appreciate some advice. I've kept pretty good track of her whereabouts since this all started so I am not worried that she is currently having an affair, I'm just at a lose for thoughts or actions on how to handle this. I'm tired of keeping her at a distance and each time we make up she gets comfortable and contacts this guy.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

The next time she goes out for errands, tell her you will tag along. See how she reacts.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

There's more to it than what she is telling you. I'm not saying she is having an EA or PA, but there are some kind of feelings there that need to be squashed ASAP.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

this will help
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

I have a feeling she's doing different kind of "errands".


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

Do you know what their text messages say? Asking her to stop for no reason other than a 'funny feeling' is wrong.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

First piece of advice.

Have a moderator move this thread into the coping with infidelity section.

Second piece of advice.
Divorce her next time she breaches no contact 
Or
Shut up, stop confronting and sending her further underground, and go into investigation mode. Shes gonna get better at hiding it.

This half measure stuff is gonna cost you your sanity and your marriage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

death and taxes said:


> Do you know what their text messages say? Asking her to stop for no reason other than a 'funny feeling' is wrong.


He said that the texts were innocent but that he not comfortable with her texting another man.

I think you mean him *NOT* asking her to stop because he's uncomfortable is wrong ?

Surely!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

macrophage said:


> I'm just at a lose for thoughts or actions on how to handle this. I'm tired of keeping her at a distance and each time we make up she gets comfortable and contacts this guy.


Here are a few thoughts:

How about telling her if she doesn't stop texting this guy, you are going to file for divorce?
How about contacting this guy and telling him you don't want him texting your wife?
How about finding out if he is married and, if he is married, let his wife know what is going on?
How about telling her parents, siblings and your close friends about her bad behavior?
How about discontinuing her cell phone service (if it's in your name)?
How about following her when she goes out to that place again and confronting?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to be prepared to back up your words with consequences. Real consequences, like divorce papers. She needs a shock to get her to make up her mind and stop going down the path of cake eating. And you need reliable intel. Key log the computer, spyware her phone, VAR in the car type stuff, because you need good info to base your choices on. Never reveal your sources, ever.

The two of you will also need to work on yourselves and your marriage more moving forward to. Boundary advice like Not Just Friends, relationship development and maintainence from the Gottman Institue and His Needs, Her Needs type stuff. To get the ball rolling. Then keep it up, read as much as you can handle, you never know exactly what or where the true nuggets are until you come across them.


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

death and taxes said:


> Do you know what their text messages say? Asking her to stop for no reason other than a 'funny feeling' is wrong.



They're just friendly, thing is, there was a while when she was texting this guy constantly and then she started asking if she could go hang out with him, that's when I said "no more."


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Here are a few thoughts:
> 
> How about telling her if it doesn't stop texting this guy you are going to leave her?
> How about contacting this guy and telling him you don't want him texting your wife?
> ...


Thanks! I'm going to do a few of these things.


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Here are a few thoughts:
> 
> How about telling her if it doesn't stop texting this guy you are going to leave her?
> How about contacting this guy and telling him you don't want him texting your wife?
> ...


That's a little harsh. He said he had funny feelings. Is she planning an affair? Is she sexting? What's the nature of her friendship with this co-worker? Putting the hammer down just because he's jealous is way over the top. 

OP - what's the whole story here? Why don't you want your wife texting a dude?


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> He said that the texts were innocent but that he not comfortable with her texting another man.
> 
> I think you mean him *NOT* asking her to stop because he's uncomfortable is wrong ?
> 
> Surely!


Whoah - I think a lot of people are acting on too little information here. Why can't a person have text conversations with opposite sex friends? It almost sounds like OP is getting jealous of his wife texting a male co-worker. I think we just don't know enough of what's going on and only have SCANT information.


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

macrophage said:


> They're just friendly, thing is, there was a while when she was texting this guy constantly and then she started asking if she could go hang out with him, that's when I said "no more."


I must have missed this post - I posted my earlier comments without seeing this. 

Did you talk to your wife about this besides just saying 'no more'? Did you offer to go hand out with them?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dont discontinue her phone. She then goes out and buys her own and now you cant look at the bills to see what she is up to.

Going out with this dude NO MORE!?!

Wife: honey can I go hang with Peter Player tonight. He said he was going fishing and wanted to show me his rod.

You before: Sure, hope he catches something he wants.

You need to say: There is this hot new secretary at work. We're just friends. Can I go on a date with her? NO!?!? well that is what it is called when a male and a female go out together. YOU DO IT! WHY CANT I?


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Dont discontinue her phone. She then goes out and buys her own and now you cant look at the bills to see what she is up to.


She can just replace the SIM card in that case unless the phone is SIM locked.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

macrophage said:


> Here's the situation: my wife was texting with a former co-worker and when I got a funny feeling about it I asked her to stop. She did for a while but I've caught her texting him 3 times over the last 6 weeks. Each time she lied about it until I was able to prove to her that I knew about it. The texts are innocent, nothing suspicious it's just that she's not honoring or respecting my wishes. Last night when she went to run some errands she stopped by that guy's work to talk to "someone else." The reason I found out was b.c he texted her about her visit, she initially lied then confessed. Each time she does this she lies then confesses, then apologizes and says things like "I won't do it again....I'm sorry....I won't disregard your wishes anymore.... I've realized what I've done blagh blagh blagh"
> 
> Each time this happens I feel that she's losing a little respect for me and also I can't take her words seriously, they're just words which causes me to not believe her or take her serious, I think I've lost some respect for her. I don't know how to handle this, I'd appreciate some advice. I've kept pretty good track of her whereabouts since this all started so I am not worried that she is currently having an affair, I'm just at a lose for thoughts or actions on how to handle this. I'm tired of keeping her at a distance and each time we make up she gets comfortable and contacts this guy.


She had sex with him when she visited him at work.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

macrophage said:


> Here's the situation: my wife was texting with a former co-worker and when I got a funny feeling about it I asked her to stop. She did for a while but I've caught her texting him 3 times over the last 6 weeks. *Each time she lied *about it until I was able to prove to her that I knew about it. The texts are innocent, nothing suspicious it's just that she's not honoring or respecting my wishes. *Last night when she went to run some errands she stopped by that guy's work to talk to "someone else."* The reason I found out was b.c he texted her about her visit, *she initially lied then confessed. * Each time she does this she lies then confesses, then apologizes and says things like "I won't do it again....I'm sorry....I won't disregard your wishes anymore.... I've realized what I've done blagh blagh blagh"


my friend, there are so many red flags here, and all of them scream carefull, maybe she is no having an affair but this could be the beginning of a EA that can turns in to physical affair, even if she thinks is nothing but innocent messages, you don't know the intentions of the other guy.

belive me many Emotional affairs begin as innoc€ent messages and then the questions about marriage begin and then the "you listen to me and understand me as nobody else" also begin.

you have to be firm here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

manticore said:


> my friend, there are so many red flags here, and all of them scream carefull, maybe she is no having an affair but this could be the beginning of a EA that can turns in to physical affair, even if she thinks is nothing but innocent messages, you don't know the intentions of the other guy.
> 
> belive me many Emotional affairs begin as innoc€ent messages and then the questions about marriage begin and then the "you listen to me and understand me as nobody else" also begin.
> 
> you have to be firm here.


If I could like this ten times I would. There are TWO VERY REAL DANGERS TO YOU RIGHT NOW!

1) He is a player doing 'friending player 101'. google the words 'how to seduce/bed a married woman' It is SICKENINGLY easy and will work on a third of women!
2) This is as stated above the beginnings of an EA.

Unfortunately both the above would look the same at this point.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you ever compared the number of text messages you see on her phone to what her cell phone bill says she's received? Have you looked for any apps on her phone that could send/receive messages, like Skype, WhatsApp, and even some games like Words With Friends?

C


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Anuvia said:


> She had sex with him when she visited him at work.


VERY probable. Have you considered that OP? Lying about visiting him...


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

death and taxes said:


> Whoah - I think a lot of people are acting on too little information here. Why can't a person have text conversations with opposite sex friends? It almost sounds like OP is getting jealous of his wife texting a male co-worker. I think we just don't know enough of what's going on and only have SCANT information.


I have to be honest. My husband would not like me having texts from a co worker, Or any other guy for that matter.

And to be honest again, I do not think i would like it either..... Innocent or not. 

What reason would you need to. I mean whatever they need to say cant it be said at work.??

OP, yes i think she is being VERY disrespectful to you to be honest, Not only she going against your wishes she also feels that she needs to lie about the text which makes it even worse in my book.

If its all so innocent then why does she lie. She also tells you that she is sorry, but then goes on to carry on sending the texts even tho she knows how you feel about this, and this is really disrespectful.

She also went on an errand, down to the workplace, and you was left hearing about it from someone else.

I would talk to her again and tell her how your feeling, she should respect that fact you just do not like this situation.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Because of your wife's lies, that tells me this texting-buddy is, in your wife's eyes (and maybe the guy's eyes as well) "more than a friend." Or at least has the makings of becoming one.

And that "funny feeling" you mentioned, could also be called that "gut feeling," which as any TAM regular knows is rarely wrong.

As weightlifter said several posts ago, no half measures in dealing with this. You gotta be firm and decisive in cutting this guy out of your marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

death and taxes said:


> Whoah - I think a lot of people are acting on too little information here. Why can't a person have text conversations with opposite sex friends? It almost sounds like OP is getting jealous of his wife texting a male co-worker. I think we just don't know enough of what's going on and only have SCANT information.


Because the issue here is not a jealous, controlling husband. The issue here is a wife who is ignoring her H's requests to stop contacting an interloper and her thinking only of her cheap pleasures.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

By her keeping it up she doesn't care what you think and will just hide it better. I would do some real digging but keep my mouth shut, I smell an affair. Can't believe anything a cheater tells you.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

death and taxes said:


> Do you know what their text messages say? Asking her to stop for no reason other than a 'funny feeling' is wrong.


How so? If a married spouse does not feel comfertable with their partner texting the opposite text, then out of respect for their feelings, the texting needs to stop. 

If there is a problem with that, then stay a.) stay single or b.) marry someone who does not care. Just because you have different opinions about texting, does not mean something is 'wrong.' Objectively speaking, it's safe to say that more spouses than not would have a problem with it; whereas, everyone is entitled to their own subjective thought of it. 

Under these circumstances, this specific OP does not feel comfertable with his wife texting the other man, whether it be friendly or not. She continuously lies about doing it which only adds more questions marks to the whole thing. OP, you need to take the advice here clearly because your wife is being completely deceptive to you (just as simple as the lying).


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

You told your W you were not comfortable with her texting this guy. She said she would stop. Then she didn't. It shows she lacks respect for you and it shows she has a need/desire to keep texting this guy. This is an EA. 

I've been there and I'm telling you ... act firmly on this or you will regret it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

macrophage said:


> Last night when she went to run some errands she stopped by that guy's work to talk to "someone else." The reason I found out was b.c he texted her about her visit, she initially lied then confessed.





macrophage said:


> I've kept pretty good track of her whereabouts since this all started so I am not worried that she is currently having an affair


 Although you say that because you "kept pretty good track of her whereabouts" you are not worried about it having gone physical, you did not know that she visited his work until you read about it later in a text; how many other such visits did not make it into a text?



macrophage said:


> They're just friendly, thing is, there was a while when she was texting this guy constantly and then she started asking if she could go hang out with him, that's when I said "no more."


 The issue is not what the texts say. The issue is why is staying in contact with this other man ("OM") so important to her, that she is willing to sneak around, lie, and do it behind her spouse's back? The answer is that she is addicted to how the OM makes her feel. The fact that she cannot stop communications with this OM, is an indication that she is already in at least an emotional affair ("EA") with him. The fact that she now wants to hang out with him and recently visited his work, is an indication that it may be or is heading to being physical. 

Affairs by married people almost always start out as just friends. You cannot really approch a married women with telling her that your goal is to be her lover, and expect to be successful very often. If you look at any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to first be their friend. As is common, one site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.”


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## sparc101 (Oct 21, 2013)

It sounds to me that Macrophage (the OP) has a communications issue with his wife. And also a trust issue. After reading the post, I wonder how you are able to read your wife's txt messages. I tend to err on the side of trust. I don't search through my wife's purse, or her cell phone. I don't search her email nor the email and txt messages of my children. I shouldn't have to. I trust that they understand what is right and what is wrong. And to this day, it seems to have worked. I recommend that you venture out and get a 3rd party counselor. It will help. I am guessing that you lost trust in your wife for some reason and then ventured to find out more dirt on her.. .thus, digging the hole deeper. Perhaps you could approach her and tell her you are sorry for prying into her personal life and have her agree to limit that sort of communication with this co-worker. Good luck my friend...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sparc101 said:


> It sounds to me that Macrophage (the OP) has a communications issue with his wife. And also a trust issue. After reading the post, I wonder how you are able to read your wife's txt messages. I tend to err on the side of trust. I don't search through my wife's purse, or her cell phone. I don't search her email nor the email and txt messages of my children. I shouldn't have to. I trust that they understand what is right and what is wrong. And to this day, it seems to have worked. I recommend that you venture out and get a 3rd party counselor. It will help. I am guessing that you lost trust in your wife for some reason and then ventured to find out more dirt on her.. .thus, digging the hole deeper. Perhaps you could approach her and tell her you are sorry for prying into her personal life and have her agree to limit that sort of communication with this co-worker. Good luck my friend...


HE HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH HER. SHE PROMISED TO STOP. SHE DIDN'T STOP. So now your advice to him is to have the conversation with her again and this time don't check to make sure she's keeping her promise? Seriously?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

death and taxes said:


> That's a little harsh.


No it's not. All it does is show in no uncertain terms that he is not going to put up with bad behavior.



death and taxes said:


> He said he had funny feelings. Is she planning an affair? Is she sexting? What's the nature of her friendship with this co-worker? Putting the hammer down just because he's jealous is way over the top.


What she is doing is inappropriate behavior for a married woman ... and his wife knows it. Otherwise she wouldn't be apologizing all over the place for it. Married women should not be texting other men with such frequency and then when her husband asks her to stop, she totally disrespects his feelings and continues with it. A weak reaction on the OP's part means this other guy is going to be doing pushups on his wife sooner or later.



death and taxes said:


> OP - what's the whole story here? Why don't you want your wife texting a dude?


What man wants his wife getting close to another man? There is a word for that and it begins with "C".


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

sparc101 said:


> It sounds to me that Macrophage (the OP) has a communications issue with his wife. And also a trust issue. After reading the post, I wonder how you are able to read your wife's txt messages. I tend to err on the side of trust. I don't search through my wife's purse, or her cell phone. I don't search her email nor the email and txt messages of my children. I shouldn't have to. I trust that they understand what is right and what is wrong. And to this day, it seems to have worked. I recommend that you venture out and get a 3rd party counselor. It will help. I am guessing that you lost trust in your wife for some reason and then ventured to find out more dirt on her.. .thus, digging the hole deeper. Perhaps you could approach her and tell her you are sorry for prying into her personal life and have her agree to limit that sort of communication with this co-worker. Good luck my friend...


Does he not have reasons tho to mistrust her???. My husband does not go through my bag, and my husband leaves his phone on the table where i could go through it if i wanted to, but i do not feel the need to, the OP on the other hand does have a reason.

Hes already expressed to his wife hes not happy with these texts, but his wife still thinks its Okay to be texting and receiving texts from this man.

I agree that it is wrong to go down your spouses bag etc, but in instances like this, I believe that its justified.

I have no reason to check up on my husband, or vice versa, but its already been proven that the OP's wife has been less than honest with him, so i can see why he feels the need to do it.

I have to say in his position i think i would.

By his digging he has found she has continued to text this man knowing how her husband feels..... This is lack of respect.


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## sparc101 (Oct 21, 2013)

melw74 said:


> Does he not have reasons tho to mistrust her???. My husband does not go through my bag, and my husband leaves his phone on the table where i could go through it if i wanted to, but i do not feel the need to, the OP on the other hand does have a reason.
> 
> Hes already expressed to his wife hes not happy with these texts, but his wife still thinks its Okay to be texting and receiving texts from this man.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree.
I honestly do not think that the OP gave enough information. When I read his post it sounds like he is taking a very controlling approach to his problem. And that does not work. If I were to seek out my wife's cell phone and look at the txt messages and then tell her that I do not want her trading txt messages with a certain individual is going to work. It creates a dis-trust between the two. When I read his post, I wonder what else he tracks of hers. Does he her every move? Does he keep track of where she drives? In my opinion, he has lost her already. Not that he can't gain her back, but I think it requires a different tact than to tell her not to TXT someone.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Trust me. You better put a stop to this right now!!!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sparc101 said:


> If I were to seek out my wife's cell phone and look at the txt messages and then tell her that I do not want her trading txt messages with a certain individual is going to work. It creates a dis-trust between the two.


The OP stated that "there was a while when she was texting this guy constantly and then she started asking if she could go hang out with him, that's when I said "no more."" The Op did not get concerned because he was seeking out his wife's cell phone and searching for text messages. He go concerned when she was spending too much time with this other man and wanted to hang out with him. Couples have a right to set their own opposite sex friend ("OSF") boundaries, and the wife promising not to contact the OM again means that they had agreed upon one here. The OP OSF standard is very mainstream BTW, as even most that are OK with OSF would not be OK with what the wife is doing.

Also, your logic does not make sense, as it would allow every cheater in an emotional affair ("EA") or physical affair ("PA") to continue with the affair free of any attempt by the spouse to protect the marriage.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> There is a word for that and it begins with "C".


:scratchhead:


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

macrophage said:


> Each time she does this she lies then confesses, then apologizes and says things like "I won't do it again....I'm sorry....I won't disregard your wishes anymore.... I've realized what I've done blagh blagh blagh"


Whether or not some view the OP as controlling,when she makes statements like this she is verbally acquiescing with the OP.Her actions don't support it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sparc101 said:


> I have to disagree.
> I honestly do not think that the OP gave enough information. When I read his post it sounds like he is taking a very *controlling* approach to his problem. And that does not work. If I were to seek out my wife's cell phone and look at the txt messages and then tell her that I do not want her trading txt messages with a certain individual is going to work. It creates a dis-trust between the two. When I read his post, I wonder what else he tracks of hers. Does he her every move? Does he keep track of where she drives? In my opinion, he has lost her already. Not that he can't gain her back, but I think it requires a different tact than to tell her not to TXT someone.


And the "c" word finally comes up...

Telling your spouse that you are not OK with behavior that potentially undermines the marriage is not controlling. Setting a boundary and laying out consequenses is not controlling.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

sparc101 said:


> I have to disagree.
> I honestly do not think that the OP gave enough information. When I read his post it sounds like he is taking a very controlling approach to his problem. And that does not work. If I were to seek out my wife's cell phone and look at the txt messages and then tell her that I do not want her trading txt messages with a certain individual is going to work. It creates a dis-trust between the two. When I read his post, I wonder what else he tracks of hers. Does he her every move? Does he keep track of where she drives? In my opinion, he has lost her already. Not that he can't gain her back, but I think it requires a different tact than to tell her not to TXT someone.


Yes, but she should not being texting this man if her husband thinks its not appropriate.

He may not be giving enough info, but i agree with his wife being disrespectful by continuing to text and receive them, if it makes her husband feel uncomfortable.

If i was doing something my husband did not approve of then i just would not do it simples

Same if i did not like something my husband was doing, then he would not do it.

I have to disagree with you..... There is nothing controlling about a man expressing to his wife that he does not want her texting another man, that is not being controlling....

I mean i would not say my husband was being controlling if he asked me to do something, there is nothing wrong with respecting your husbands wishes if he asked you to do something??????

The trust issues were already there.... and was he not right???.

He has found texts again from this man, when he had spoke to his wife, she said she would would not text him again then carried on doing this, Its really disrespectful in my book.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> And the "c" word finally comes up...
> 
> Telling your spouse that you are not OK with behavior that potentially undermines the marriage is not controlling. Setting a boundary and laying out consequenses is not controlling.


:iagree:..... Totally.

I hate it when the word controlling gets thrown around, and it does far to much.

I mean where are the boundaries if you cant tell your partner that your not Okay with something. What you supposed to do if your not happy with something your partner is doing, stay quiet afraid you may get told your being controlling...??


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

melw74 said:


> :iagree:..... Totally.
> 
> I hate it when the word controlling gets thrown around, and it does far to much.
> 
> I mean where are the boundaries if you cant tell your partner that your not Okay with something. *What you supposed to do if your not happy with something your partner is not doing, stay quiet afraid you may get told your being controlling.*..??


That is exactly what the intent of throwing that word about is. I know it can be, and is directed at women, but recently it has become very much a way of shaming and well, controlling men.

A woman complains to her girlfriends that her man doesn;t want her grinding out at the clubs with her single friends, well, he's controlling. He doesn't want her going out to dinner with her old high school boyfriend who's in town for a few days? What a controlling bastard! No man can tell HER what to do. She's her own woman and can do what ever she feels like she wants to do, and if he doesn't like it, well he's controlling her. You see that play out here all the time, most often in the Coping With Infidelity forum...

People in a marriage, especially men need to stop being afraid of that word.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> That is exactly what the intent of throwing that word about is. I know it can be, and is directed at women, but recently it has become very much a way of shaming and well, controlling men.
> 
> A woman complains to her girlfriends that her man doesn;t want her grinding out at the clubs with her single friends, well, he's controlling. He doesn't want her going out to dinner with her old high school boyfriend who's in town for a few days? What a controlling bastard! No man can tell HER what to do. She's her own woman and can do what ever she feels like she wants to do, and if he doesn't like it, well he's controlling her. You see that play out here all the time, most often in the Coping With Infidelity forum...
> 
> People in a marriage, especially men need to stop being afraid of that word.


I totally agree with everything you have said.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Emotional Affair big time. Yet some people here accuse the OP of being controlling. Typical of todays society. 

Is the OM married? Get your evidence and expose this to the OMW if he has one. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Of course you only see the texts that she wants you to see. 

And no, its not ok for your wife to go on a date with another man. Hanging out my foot.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The word 'controlling' is part of the cheaters dictionary. It is very good at getting the BS to back off. To put him in his place as it were. Gaslighting and crazy making even.

That being said, I am not going so far as others here to say that she is indeed having an affair because I simply don't have enough information to personally make that call yet, but I will say it is highly disrespectful and inappropriate at the very least. It is not something I would tolerate from my STBW.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> And no, its not ok for your wife to go on a date with another man. Hanging out my foot.


 Thanks for calling it what it is, a date.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think the OP's wife is behaving appropriately, and she should show more respect for her husbands feelings. 

However, a spouse is not a parent. A spouse cannot say to the other "you cannot do x, y or z" or "I'm telling you not to do that".

All you can do is explain how you feel, make your boundaries clear and be prepared to stick to them.

I'm also not a fan of confronting the "other man or woman". This is a marital problem. If it's not this bloke, it will be someone else. The OP needs to confront his wife once and for all, tell her he's not happy with the situation and what his boundaries are. If she still refuses to listen...well...he's got a decision to make.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I bet that if this thread was in the CWI section, there would be NO ONE here telling him he's being a "CAN" (Controlling, Abusive Neanderthal).


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She's lied to you four time that you know of from what you wrote. Each time she says sorry and does it again. 

Now she's visiting him at work and now wants to "hang out" with him.

If it was me, I would say nothing more and keep checking. If she contacts him either by text or seeing him at his work, then it's time you put an exclamation point on this game she's playing and call her family and ask them to expect a extra family member to be knocking on their door real soon and tell her to leave.

It's pretty clear that she doesn't respect you and your wishes. The longer you do nothing then expect it to get worse. It's time to drop a hard truth on her and that truth is that you will not put up with a lying cheating wife and let her know that your through with it and wish her luck. 

By all means let her family know. You'll have to sooner or later because you may not know this but it went from a simple text to now wanting to hang out. What comes after hanging out. Better yet what's going to be hanging out.

Don't play games. She thinks that saying I'm sorry makes it better and does it again.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

macrophage said:


> Thanks! I'm going to do a few of these things.


Which of those things appealed to you? What are you thinking at this point. What is your end goal? The things minuteman posted aren't all effective for the same end goal.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

macrophage said:


> They're just friendly, thing is, there was a while when she was texting this guy constantly and then she started asking if she could go hang out with him, that's when I said "no more."


An experienced player will not text anything else than friendly. It's what's said in person that counts. And you have no idea what is said in person, do you?

And your wife loves meeting him in person. She did it before, she wants to do it again. It's exciting to her, because she knows that it's wrong. 

The Middleman is right. Trust what he says, he knows from experience. There has to be some consequences. You get upset, she stops. For a while. Because she has no respect. No reason 
for her to stop completely. Because she has no reason to, if all you are going to do is bluster. She knows that's all there is, bluster, just words.

Show her that there will be real, solid, consequences. Make her respect you, her husband.

Show her that you are a serious, grown, man.

And do the other things on his list.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The word 'controlling' is part of the cheaters dictionary. It is very good at getting the BS to back off. To put him in his place as it were. Gaslighting and crazy making even.
> 
> That being said, I am not going so far as others here to say that she is indeed having an affair because I simply don't have enough information to personally make that call yet, but I will say it is highly disrespectful and inappropriate at the very least. It is not something I would tolerate from my STBW.


I agree. I also would not go as far to say shes having affair, because like you say none of us have enough info on the whole situation, but best to nip the texts in the bud before it could lead to one, not saying it will, but affairs start somewhere, and i still stay shes stepping a little over the boundaries..... My sort of boundaries anyway.

If i was the husband i would be feeling very uneasy with the whole situation.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Just seen the hang out part. Never knew that part.... Its a part that makes me more uneasy than i felt with the texts.

Why would she want to hang with him???. As well as the texts, this is not on. You say shes just friendly, I say TOO friendly.

I do not like this.... any of it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

melw74 said:


> Just seen the hang out part. Never knew that part.... Its a part that makes me more uneasy than i felt with the texts.
> 
> *Why would she want to hang with him???. *As well as the texts, this is not on. You say shes just friendly, I say TOO friendly.
> 
> I do not like this.... any of it.


You know why.

One reason is to say things not in texts. No evidence on a phone. And it's illicit, furtive, exciting. She's showing her H that he can't tell HER what to do. Maybe she's bored.

You know the other reason.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

She's getting little shots of pleasurable, addictive dopamine with every text she receives from the other guy. So of course she doesn't want to give that up, therefore the lies.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

macrophage said:


> Thanks! I'm going to do a few of these things.


Good luck and please keep us posted on what's going on. We got your back.


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

manticore said:


> my friend, there are so many red flags here, and all of them scream carefull, maybe she is no having an affair but this could be the beginning of a EA that can turns in to physical affair, even if she thinks is nothing but innocent messages, you don't know the intentions of the other guy.
> 
> belive me many Emotional affairs begin as innoc€ent messages and then the questions about marriage begin and then the "you listen to me and understand me as nobody else" also begin.
> 
> you have to be firm here.


I agree, I think her intentions are innocent but I think that my wife has to guard her heart and going behind my back/being deceptive and asking to hang out w/ this guy are not ways in which she is guarding her heart. It's been a week since the last incident and there haven't been anymore, I've got a spy app on her phone and I've not seen any contact.


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

Cubby said:


> She's getting little shots of pleasurable, addictive dopamine with every text she receives from the other guy. So of course she doesn't want to give that up, therefore the lies.


Wow I agree!! I think she has a little bit of a rebellious streak in her.


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

I told her if she did this again I'd tell her dad and go to some of the elders at our church. One thing I've noticed through out this whole thing is that she admits she's in the wrong and didn't raise any objections to me telling people she looks up to, although she'd rather I not do that.


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## macrophage (Jan 5, 2014)

6301 said:


> She's lied to you four time that you know of from what you wrote. Each time she says sorry and does it again.
> 
> Now she's visiting him at work and now wants to "hang out" with him.
> 
> ...


I intend on making this public if she does it again, tell her family, elders at church, etc. She hasn't asked to hang out with him in a long time, when she did was when I asked her to stop contacting this guy and that's when all this started.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

When you confronted her before you said she would deny until you made it obvious you knew she was lying. How did you do that? Did you directly or indirectly reveal that you have access to her phone?

You really can't say what her motivation is right now, whether she is innocent or not. As a betrayed myself, the actions you describe scream guilt and maliciousness to me. People are perfectly aware when they are crossing lines they should not. Your wife was fully aware you had a boundary, and she chose to violate it anyway, then tried to deceive you. It's pretty black and white.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

If you're saying she knows it's wrong and how much it bothers you, then why is she doing it?? She sounds like a teenage girl trying to sneak away from her parents to see a guy. You better figure out why she's so disrespectful and running to him all the time.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

macrophage said:


> I told her if she did this again *I'd tell her dad* and go to some of the elders at our church. One thing I've noticed through out this whole thing is that she admits she's in the wrong and didn't raise any objections to me telling people she looks up to, although she'd rather I not do that.


Weak. I know these are people she respects and wouldn't want them to know what she's doing, but really? You told her she has to stop disrespecting you and your marriage or you'd tell on her? Do you suppose she didn't raise any objections because it's not that big a deal for her?

What you should have said was "if you do this again I'll tell your dad and the church elders this is why I'm divorcing you."


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

macrophage said:


> I told her if she did this again I'd tell her dad and go to some of the elders at our church. One thing I've noticed through out this whole thing is that she admits she's in the wrong and didn't raise any objections to me telling people she looks up to, although she'd rather I not do that.


Exposure of her bad behavior to people she looks up to is the strongest weapon you have in fighting this problem. Wide spread exposure (and to some extent a shaming), almost allways kills a budding illicit relationship like this. The second most effective weapon is telling the other guy's wife if he is married. Right now, if I were you I'd be learning everything you cam about this guy ... more than your wife knows. That's very effective in managing the situation. That's what I did.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

macrophage said:


> I intend on making this public if she does it again, tell her family, elders at church, etc. She hasn't asked to hang out with him in a long time, when she did was when I asked her to stop contacting this guy and that's when all this started.


Mcarophage:

Please see the link to a thread below. Take the time to read through this massive thread and see what happens when you don't expose these texting affairs right away to everyone and anyone. Learn from this poor guy's mistake and see the pain he went through (and still might be in) and don't repeat his errors. Based on what you told us, your wife is headed where this WW went.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Since this has happened more than once she is either willing to keep seeing/texting this man with hopes that you will continue to be forgiving or she is stringing you along with lies and disregard.

You have to voice what you want....for her to stop seeing this man as there should be no reason for her to continue seeing him and stop texting him. You also have to follow this up with a consequence of an action you feel you can truly take and follow thru with if she does not live up to what you have asked of her. For example, if you think you could honestly leave her to give you both space to think about the relationship and what is important to each of you, I would state this. The biggest part is you doing what you said you will do.

The more this happens the more respect you each lose for one another.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Nucking Futs said:


> Weak. I know these are people she respects and wouldn't want them to know what she's doing, but really? You told her she has to stop disrespecting you and your marriage or you'd tell on her? Do you suppose she didn't raise any objections because it's not that big a deal for her?
> 
> *I don't think it's a bad "step 1". He's covering his bases in case this really goes South, so at least others can figure it out if/when it heads that way. It sends a message that she won't listen to him, perhaps the other important man in her life can talk some sense in to her.
> 
> ...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

macrophage said:


> I told her if she did this again I'd tell her dad and go to some of the elders at our church. One thing I've noticed through out this whole thing is that she admits she's in the wrong and didn't raise any objections to me telling people she looks up to, although she'd rather I not do that.


Unless she's already told everyone who will listen that you are a CAN, that you are "all wrong" for her, that the marriage is headed for divorce anyway, that you cheated first, that you are the bad guy in all of this...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

> *That's a little fast to bring up the D word. It's being used in a threatening manner, which can really mess up how his wife sees him. She could take it as "if you ever go against my wishes, I'm out of here", which really isn't an okay thing to say to your spouse, imo.*


Seriously? She's in at least an EA, possible PA, has promised to stop repeatedly but didn't and is trying to continue her secret relationship with the OM and you think it's too early to go for divorce? Is anything divorce worthy in your mind?

Women respect strength and despise weakness and you think "stop or I'm going to tell your daddy" is sufficient? Note I didn't say not to expose, in fact he should expose to everyone not just daddy and elders, but exposure is part of the action he needs to take, not all of it.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

This issue should've ended the minute you asked your wife to stop and she agreed. There's no reason a married woman or man should be constantly texting a member of the opposite sex. You can trust your spouse to the hilt and it's still highly inappropriate.


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