# So is 2-3x sex per week REALLY average?



## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

I often see that number thrown around for average sex for married couples. I have been married 11 years and am lucky to get it once a month. I'd say average maybe 8 times a year. I knew that was low, and no I am not happy about it... but I assumed most married couples were at like 2x per month. Am I really so far from the standard reality of a typical husband?

I do believe my wife loves me but she is not all that interested in sex. If I don't initiate it simply will not happen, ever. Even when we were first married the sex was not that frequent (maybe 2x per month back then). Has tricked to almost a stop now.

Around last August I decided to not initiate sex with her at ALL, just as an experiment to see if she would EVER make any kind of first move. By Christmas, she still hadn't. Nothing. I even tried a few weeks of doing LOTS of extra things around the house (chores that she would normally do etc). She even commented on how nice it was that I was surprising her by doing all these things for her but it never led her to initiate sex. I finally told her that it hurts me that she seems so happy and willing to literally never have sex. I told her I feel like a buddy or a roommate more than a husband. She said she thought I was mad at her because I was never asking her for sex - so why would she initiate. I guess that experiment was a failure.

After we talked it got slightly better for a couple of months (as in maybe 3x per month), but again only when I initiated and it has gone right back down to zero. My only conclusion is that my wife loves me as a person but has zero sexual interest in me. 

I am not sure of next step. Marriage counseling I guess? I feel like having the same discussion that we had 5 months ago will probably not be very productive. 

FWIW I am in good shape for my age (43) and have good hygiene etc. I go to the gym a couple times a week, am not overweight, etc. My wife and I get along well in most respects and have quite a bit in common. I don't want another woman (I find my wife very attractive). I just don't know how much longer I can continue in a sexless marriage. It is hurtful because I know I will not be suddenly getting any better looking than I am right now... so if she has no interest in sex with me now, I feel like there isn't much I can do to improve things.

I sometimes fantasize about just ending it, going on Match.com etc and just dating lots of women and having lots of sex. But I love my wife and feel like aside from her complete lack of sexual interest she is great. Any suggestions?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You are in a sexless marriage. No question about it! Yes 2-4 is average


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Well....you knew from day 1 it wasn't something she needed much. 

My stbx and I were at it 3 or 4 times every week until we had kids, THEN she decided she didn't need it anymore.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

No it's not normal. You're in a sexless marriage.

I'd say 2-3 times a week is average.

1x a week would be doable.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

4thand11 said:


> I often see that number thrown around for average sex for married couples. I have been married 11 years and am lucky to get it once a month. I'd say average maybe 8 times a year. I knew that was low, and no I am not happy about it... but I assumed most married couples were at like 2x per month. Am I really so far from the standard reality of a typical husband?
> 
> I do believe my wife loves me but she is not all that interested in sex. If I don't initiate it simply will not happen, ever. Even when we were first married the sex was not that frequent (maybe 2x per month back then). Has tricked to almost a stop now.
> 
> ...


Women raised a certain way assume they are not supposed to initiate, it marks them as a ****. She may very well be interested in sex much more often but waits for you to initiate because...that's the way it's supposed to be right? The man asks the woman out, the man asks the woman to get married, the man does the man thing... You have to tell her you want her to initiate sex In A Way that you clearly identify as sexual initiation. Actually coming on to you may be far from her understanding as appropriate initiation.

Also, FLIRT with her heavily. In the morning before you leave tell her you're going to rip her clothes off tonight so she better wear an old tee shirt to bed...and see how she does wear an old tee shirt! then through out the day send her little flirty text messages "was just thinking about how soft your skin is and how I love the way you feel under me." 

Everytime I read a thread that says, "so I stopped initiating,..." It's a given that it didn't end well at all.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I am in a sexless marriage but I think the answer to your question depends on a lot of different factors. Would 2 to 3 times per week be normal if you're 70 years old and have been married for 40 years? Maybe you'd like to think so but probably not. What if you have kids, a job where you travel a lot, one or both of you have health issues, work 2 jobs etc. What if you're in your 20s and recently married and have few responsibilities? What if your trying to have kids? What if there is abuse involved or one or both spouses have serious addictions? Average? There is such a thing ... but what is important is what makes sense to you. What do you want?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Talking will not help. Action on your part will. MC may help. Stop with the talking about it. You are shooting yourself in the foot.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The average is between 2-3 a week but there is high variance.

When you take people having no sex, and average it with people having sex every day - the mathematical average is every other day. But neither couple has sex every other day. 

Couples recently married have sex on average about twice as often as people who have been married 30 years. 

It's information, but sex comes down to what makes individual couples happy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Op,

While you're still young (and yes you are) change this. Either with her or without

I feel as if I'm the poster boy for who you will be if you waste any more time.

I'm in my 50s and feel pretty much the same about my wife that you do (My wife and I get along well in most respects and have quite a bit in common. I don't want another woman I find my wife very attractive. I love my wife and feel like aside from her complete lack of sexual interest she is great) but with all my obligations, I really can't go anywhere.

My ideal would be to get to that 2x a week mark. For the past few years it's avereaged about 1x a week and while I may be better off than you are, it does not meet my needs.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

4thand11 said:


> I do believe my wife loves me but she is not all that interested in sex. If I don't initiate it simply will not happen, ever. Even when we were first married the sex was not that frequent (maybe 2x per month back then). Has tricked to almost a stop now.


Many women have responsive desire. They don't think about sex like men do. But, if you work with them over the course of the day, they can start to gain that desire.



> Around last August I decided to not initiate sex with her at ALL, just as an experiment to see if she would EVER make any kind of first move. By Christmas, she still hadn't. *Nothing. I even tried a few weeks of doing LOTS of extra things around the house (chores that she would normally do etc). *


So you tried to buy sex from her with chores? That never works long term. Do the chores because you are a man who takes care of his end of the deal, not as a way to get her to give you sex.



> She even commented on how nice it was that I was surprising her by doing all these things for her but it never led her to initiate sex. I finally told her that it hurts me that she seems so happy and willing to literally never have sex. I told her I feel like a buddy or a roommate more than a husband. She said she thought I was mad at her because I was never asking her for sex - so why would she initiate. I guess that experiment was a failure.


The other issue is that you sent a mixed message. You tell her there is an issue, but then do all sorts of things that communicate that there is not in fact an issue. As most humans do, she latched on to the message she wanted to here.



> After we talked it got slightly better for a couple of months (as in maybe 3x per month), but again only when I initiated and it has gone right back down to zero. My only conclusion is that my wife loves me as a person but has zero sexual interest in me.


First off, take a look at No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if you fit this pattern. Also look into His Needs/Her Needs to make sure you are in fact doing things that make her happy. Finally, read the Married Man's Sex Life. Not fool proof, but some tips that can help kick start things.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

From The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

> So you tried to buy sex from her with chores? That never works long term. Do the chores because you are a man who takes care of his end of the deal, not as a way to get her to give you sex.


No not at all. I always do my fair share around the house, we have no issues there... I just meant I was trying to do some EXTRA, kind of as a surprise, just to show her I appreciate her, giver her a night off from cooking etc. Took her out to dinner on the spur of the moment, etc. In general I tried acting like everything was great EXCEPT I refrained from initiating sex. It was part of my experiment, just to see if being extra-nice might lead her to initiate if I didn't. I was not trying to buy sex from her.



> The other issue is that you sent a mixed message. You tell her there is an issue, but then do all sorts of things that communicate that there is not in fact an issue. As most humans do, she latched on to the message she wanted to here.


Yes I think you are probably correct there. I just wanted to see how long she would go without initiating sex, no matter how nice I was to her. A few weeks? Months? Years? It only ended because I didn't have the willpower to continue. But you are right I can see how it could be seen as a mixed message.



> Women raised a certain way assume they are not supposed to initiate, it marks them as a ****. She may very well be interested in sex much more often but waits for you to initiate because...that's the way it's supposed to be right? The man asks the woman out, the man asks the woman to get married, the man does the man thing... You have to tell her you want her to initiate sex In A Way that you clearly identify as sexual initiation. Actually coming on to you may be far from her understanding as appropriate initiation.


I think you are very close to the truth here. She definitely has hangups about sex that I thought would go away as our marriage progressed, but they haven't. She says she is "shy" - doesn't like the lights on when we have sex, always the same position, she doesn't move much, won't ever get on top, etc. She is definitely not comfortable being a sexual person.



> Talking will not help. Action on your part will. MC may help. Stop with the talking about it. You are shooting yourself in the foot.


Agreed although we really only had the one frank discussion about it in 11 years. And it did seem to help a little but only temporarily. I agree my bringing it up again with her would be self-defeating at this point.

I've actually just started reading the Married Man Sex Life book, hoping to get some good tips. I just don't know how much of our problems are her hangups about sex, and how much might be her lack of physical attraction towards me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ain't no such thing as "average" or "normal" when it comes to the sex life between two people. 

If this works for you great, if not, you and your wife need to have a conversation.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife is one of those who has "responsive desire" (bing it) and we average 2-3 times a week except on our yearly romantic trip and then it is every day. My wife also had manny hang ups early in our married life. For example, she would not let me do oral. Now she loves it. 

One thing we did was read books like "A Guide To Getting It On" which helped us discuss sex. You ask may need counseling. I could also recommend "His Needs Her Needs" and "The Couple Checkup"


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## Krob2013 (May 22, 2013)

It all depends on what YOU want as a couple. Amount of sex and happiness don't always line up. I'm working with my wife to get back to once a week that way it really does mean a lot when you do make love. I had it only 8 or 10 times last year. If it doesn't work sexually then it might be time to look for help. Me included.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Assuming of course that the COUPLE decision making process is functional and that no power struggle, control, or other skeletal forms remain in the proverbial closet.

Think of it in terms of active (intentional) avoidance or passive (unintentional) avoidance. If the couple, for reasons of various merit, has put the decision process aside, things may be fixable with relatively simple steps. If, on the other hand, we're talking actively avoiding action, things get considerably more complicated and arriving at a mutually agreeable solution gets to be far more difficult.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> From The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]
> 
> View attachment 3705


And people say marriage will kill your sex life. According to this study, it's single people who are not getting anywhere near as much sex...

OP, sit down with her and tell her what you need and want. Open dialogue can solve a lot, over time. It can be painful, but stick with it and things can get better. Tell her straight up what you would like and see what kind of response you get. Don't let her blow it off.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

The average for us the past 5 year was once a year if that. We have since turned things completely around (married 22 years) Still seeing a MC monthly now. 

Now we have it 5-6 times a week. Yep, it is that important. The marriage is better because of it. The emotional attachment we have as a result of this is unbelieveable.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

LoriC said:


> The average for us the past 5 year was once a year if that. We have since turned things completely around (married 22 years) Still seeing a MC monthly now.
> 
> Now we have it 5-6 times a week. Yep, it is that important. The marriage is better because of it. The emotional attachment we have as a result of this is unbelieveable.


You've almost got me calling a MC.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> You've almost got me calling a MC.


If you would have told me a year ago today that my marriage would have turned around the way it has I would have called you crazy! 

Im telling you I was in a sexless marriage and I am not there any longer. If you spoke to my H he would have said I didnt want it, if you spoke with me I would have told you he didnt want it. However there were other problems as well but truthfully our biggest problem was communication. Because after you havent been intimate for so long it is so awkward no one wants to be the first one to initiate. 

No sex = Detachment

Detachment is bad in a marriage. Good things do not happen when there is detachment. I also read quite a few books as did he. They also helped tremendously.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LoriC said:


> The average for us the past 5 year was once a year if that. We have since turned things completely around (married 22 years) Still seeing a MC monthly now.
> 
> Now we have it 5-6 times a week. Yep, it is that important. The marriage is better because of it. The emotional attachment we have as a result of this is unbelieveable.


Congrats, LoriC!

We were in the same boat. Maybe, a few times a year. (married 23 years)

Although we didn't see an MC, things have completely turned around for us. It was a LOT of hard work with open communication. Sometimes it was VERY painful for both of us, but we got through it. 

She wants sex daily, as of late and I oblige, but it's difficult to keep up. I expect things to normalize soon enough and drop back down to 3-4 times a week, which was where we were at before she went nympho. 

If not, gawd help me! lol


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

T&T said:


> Congrats, LoriC!
> 
> We were in the same boat. Maybe, a few times a year. (married 23 years)
> 
> ...


ROFL, that totally sounds like me. My H told me I was like a teenage boy. How old is your W? I am turning 44 next month and I swear it the hormones have something to do with it! 

We are seriously having more sex than my 21 year old son who is in a committed 2 year relationship with his GF.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LoriC said:


> ROFL, that totally sounds like me. My H told me I was like a teenage boy. How old is your W? I am turning 44 next month and I swear it the hormones have something to do with it!
> 
> We are seriously having more sex than my 21 year old son who is in a committed 2 year relationship with his GF.


She's 47 and going strong! She says the same thing about the hormones. She describes it like "a light switch" has been turned on!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I would say 2 - 4x per week is the average for a healthy sex life.

Much less than that, you are in a near sexless marriage.

Talking works at first, but then the LD spouse goes back to their old ways.

Short of giving divorce papers or getting meds, there's isn't much you really can do.

The thing I don't understand, us healthy to HD folks go through hoops, read books, do chores and have talks and the LD spouse doesn't do sqwat!!! And we are the problem?!

If a LD spouse doesn't think sex is important in their marriage and just decides they don't need or want sex, they are being extremely selfish and not taking care of their others halves needs, which is what they're supposed to do in a loving and giving marriage.

Also, don't be a jerk but don't be a nice guy either.

The LD spouse also gets comfy in the marriage and won't change.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Talking works at first, but then the LD spouse goes back to their old ways.





CuddleBug said:


> have talks and the LD spouse doesn't do sqwat!!! And we are the problem?!


CB, respectfully, you say that with such certainty, but it can work if BOTH partners are committed to rebuilding their relationship and sex life.

Notice, that the relationship comes before sex. 

IMHO that is very important!


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Alright, I've read thread after thread on LD wifes and how they get comfortable in the marriage and won't change.

Men need to take a long, hard look in the mirror also.

How comfortable have you gotten in the marriage???

How is your weight, you physical condition, body image? 

How are you dressing? Sharp and stylish, or same old khaki's and golf shirts every day. 

How do you look around the house? We would complain if our wifes were always wearing baggy sweats, no makeup and hair in a tie at home. But, are we in stained gym shorts, ratty t-shirts and tousseled hair?

They are making no effort in bed, but are we making an effort before bed? Romantic gestures? Flowers and gifts? Bath night with candles and champagne? Massage night with soothing music? Nights out on the town, dining and dancing? The list of possiblilities is endless.

Watching TV until bed time with no intimacy or conversation, then expecting the wife to suddenly be open to sex when you hit the sheets is totally unrealistic.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

NatureDave said:


> Alright, I've read thread after thread on LD wifes and how they get comfortable in the marriage and won't change.
> 
> Men need to take a long, hard look in the mirror also.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Well said!


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

yes 2-3 a week is average I consider myself an ex-LD and even at my worse we would have sex 1-2 times a week. Granted it was duty sex and I fully admit I was not into it. Coming to this site has been a real eye opener for me. I had no idea there were sexless marriages. I always thought he would leave or cheat if I didn't give in, so I'm shocked there are this many men who stay. I gotta say some of these post are heartbreaking. I didn't realize it wasn't just about sex (intimacy and connection seem more important). I was so angry back then. The only time he wanted anything to do with me was when he wanted sex, so I felt like a toy. Anyways I'm sharing this because maybe she feels the same way. Maybe I'm the minority but once he showed me attention (date nights, watching tv together, sexting) I had the connection I needed to enjoy the sex and desire it more. But then I was getting back something I used to have... she sounds extremely LD. If things were this bad from the start, I gotta ask why did you marry her. Did you think it would change? How is sex when you do have it, is she into it? Has she ever seen a dr for this?


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

> If things were this bad from the start, I gotta ask why did you marry her. Did you think it would change? How is sex when you do have it, is she into it? Has she ever seen a dr for this?


Well I loved her that's why I married her. I still do. I did think the frequency of sex would get better over time but it hasn't.

When we do have sex she seems to enjoy it. She always reaches orgasm or at least says she does. 

However she is pretty much a cold fish sexually. As I mentioned she pretty much just lies there (on her stomach never on her back). This does not mean she doesn't enjoy it - that is just how she is most comfortable doing it. She is uncomfortable and self-conscious being naked, she does not like the lights on (she looks great by the way and I tell her that all the time). She is not a big fan of kissing me on the mouth, especially deep passionate kisses. She has not given me a blowjob in probably 6 years. She will kiss/lick it a little bit but that's it. She does not ever want to have sex anywhere but in bed (for example if I try to initiate on the couch, in the kitchen, etc. she wants to go into the bedroom).

I think it is a combination of her own sexual hangups, and me not being very exciting to her. I am probably more of the "nice guy" type and maybe I need to work on my alpha male side. Or maybe we need sex counseling. All I know is that it sucks when you live with a very attractive woman who seems to love you as a person but has zero physical interest in you.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

totallywarped said:


> yes 2-3 a week is average I consider myself an ex-LD and even at my worse we would have sex 1-2 times a week. Granted it was duty sex and I fully admit I was not into it. Coming to this site has been a real eye opener for me. I had no idea there were sexless marriages. I always thought he would leave or cheat if I didn't give in, so I'm shocked there are this many men who stay. I gotta say some of these post are heartbreaking. I didn't realize it wasn't just about sex (intimacy and connection seem more important). I was so angry back then. The only time he wanted anything to do with me was when he wanted sex, so I felt like a toy. Anyways I'm sharing this because maybe she feels the same way. Maybe I'm the minority but once he showed me attention (date nights, watching tv together, sexting) I had the connection I needed to enjoy the sex and desire it more. But then I was getting back something I used to have... she sounds extremely LD. If things were this bad from the start, I gotta ask why did you marry her. Did you think it would change? How is sex when you do have it, is she into it? Has she ever seen a dr for this?


This is our story too except that it did not take romantic gestures, gifts, flowers, etc. I am naturally romantic so I do those things. However, that is not hear love language. Once I learned that, things changed. (Bing the five love languages).


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

4thand11 said:


> No not at all. I always do my fair share around the house, we have no issues there... I just meant I was trying to do some EXTRA, kind of as a surprise, just to show her I appreciate her, giver her a night off from cooking etc. Took her out to dinner on the spur of the moment, etc. In general I tried acting like everything was great EXCEPT I refrained from initiating sex. It was part of my experiment, just to see if being extra-nice might lead her to initiate if I didn't. I was not trying to buy sex from her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


"Extra nice", actually may work some of the time. They call it "buttering someone up". Yes, it may make her feel really good about herself and her interaction with you, and as a result the desire is not repressed...

On the flip side, pulling away usually draws attention and desire for you. This is some alpha stuff, where the nice is beta.

Both need to be utilized in balance according to Athol Kay.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

romantic_guy said:


> This is our story too except that it did not take romantic gestures, gifts, flowers, etc. I am naturally romantic so I do those things. However, that is not hear love language. Once I learned that, things changed. (Bing the five love languages).


Yes, excellent book. Helped us a lot. Its amazing how once you know what your spouse's love language is and you start speaking it things really turn around.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

I had some of those hang-ups. As for the light issue I've found a love for candle light. Hearing him tell me I look beautiful and sexy and it drove him crazy to see me naked definitely helped. As for sexual hang-ups. I do think it would help to be more alpha. My DH whiny about wanting sex was a turnoff but sexting me that he was going to rip off my panties and take what was his was HOT. But I would ease into sexting, start slow. "Tonight I'd like to light a candle and rub your naked body w/some oil"

I have really had fun sexting it's opening me up a lot sexually. I can ask for things I would have NEVER said to his face. I'm more comfortable sharing fantasies, likes and dislikes. This really might be the key to getting her to open up more. For you too, rejection via text is a little easier to take.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> From The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]
> 
> View attachment 3705


That was pretty helpful.Interestingly, it looks like married couples mostly average a few times a month to once a week. I'm at about 2 to 3 times a week myself even with a LD wife. I guess I can't complain.


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## GiveHeadaShake (Aug 31, 2012)

Hi 4thand11,

I don’t remember if you said how old you are but I can relate to too many of the things you said about your wife and your sexlife. About 10 years ago I wasn’t happy with the sex status quo in my marriage but everything else in our relationship was good or great. I did a huge amount of library reading and internet searching for ideas. Here are a few concepts that helped us slowly improve our sexual relationship. Of course all of this is fluid and what you do will have to keep evolving, but I’ll throw these concepts out there and hopefully you can use them to help you or not…

•	Communication – Truly open and comfortable communication has to exist in your relationship to be able to discuss and address sex issues. 

• Anticipation – This is a key factor in building sexual desire. 

•	Compromise – In most every relationship one partner is HD and the other LD. Find a maintainable balance.

•	Health – Exercise and a healthy diet keeps the mind and body active, keeps you looking good, and keeps the testosterone levels up.

There a many books and discussions on each of these topics and each will have a different level of importance to you or your wife at different times in your life.

For myself, my wife was happy having sex about 1-2 times a month 10 years ago and I was dreaming 8-12 times per month. We compromised by going down the middle and trying 4-6 times per month +-. I knew this was above my wife’s desire level so I had to work at building up her anticipation for romance. Fast forward to today and we’re in our mid-forties (44) and having sex around 2 times per week plus intimate snuggling (without sex) maybe 2 times a week. My wife is still LD and I still do 90% of the work of setting the mood and foreplay but she understands how important sex is to me and our relationship.

Hopefully you find something of the above helpful.


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