# Need a little advice



## confused59 (Jun 28, 2011)

Hi, i am new to the site, and have found a lot of good advice on here. I am looking for some advice. I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I have been with my W for 12 yrs, married 3 with no kids. it all started when she was in bed and her cellphone was next me and it went off. i checked it and it was a text from a guy i didnt recognize. i could see part of the text on the screen which caught my eye. it was, to say the least, very sexually graphic. I almost threw up right there. I woke her up and asked her if she was cheating, she said no. I would never have even suspected it before. i thought we were pretty happy, i know u can kind of fall in a rut at times and forget to do the little things for each other. well, she told me she had not been happy, and hasn't been for years (punched in the face, not literally). she has always been a very emotional person, but she seemed very stoic(especially for her personality). It basically stopped there with us going to bed in separrate rooms. I had no idea how to even feel at this point. Next morning she wakes me up crying and says she wants to take a break ( punched in the face again). again, i couldn't even believe this was happening. so i said ok and she left and moved in with her parents. She stopped back later to get some things and apologized and said i was a great guy, but she wasn't happy anymore and needed to find herself ( the old, its not u its me crap). she said she was not thinking about divorce. week goes by and i call her and tell her we need to talk, i got a lot of good info from you guys on setting up guidelines for a separation. when she showed up, we started to talk. i asked her what she wanted for a timeline on the separation and where we go from here and she said she was done. ( punched in the face). she said she would be back to talk about finance stuff in a few days. during that conversation she mentioned about when we should file our divorce paperwork (punched in the face, again). 
Sorry this is not as short as i thought it would be. I have a lot of questions about this. I keep telling her i love her, and she says she loves me too, although not in love with me. i dont know how to stop this. everytime we talk it keeps escalating and i get suckerpunched, its hard to talk to someone when that happens. all our friends and family (even Hers) dont know why she is doing this and are just as confused as me. I have asked her at least 10 times if there is something she is not telling me, which now i am assuming there is. I doubt she is cheating, but more of an emotional cheating. i really dont know what to do, i am just wandering around trying to figure out what to do next. i think with time she will realize what she is doing, but i dont know how long i can wait. I still want to start a family, and am not getting any younger. she went to her doctor and was put on anti depressants and has been seeing a counselor. i am thinking the only thing i can do at this point is give her space and see if she comes around. i am willing to work on the marriage, but it has already gotten to the point of talking about filingthe divorce papers. Is she just having a breakdown/mid life crisis episode or what. she also said she couldn't take the expectations family and friends put on her, which she never mentioned before and we have been talking about having kids, which i think has something to do with it too. she said it started to go down hill when she was laid off for 2 years. she works now, at a job she loves. I just dont know what to do. Sorry i kind of rambled :scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here man, You have been replaced, you just don't want to admit the unthinkable.

I need space = I need to to be with other man

I need time = I'm not sure if I want husband or O M

Things are going good with her affair she is spending more time with him now and in her mind she sees this as the end for you.

I suggest you stop begging and pleading for her love, it only empowers her and confirms that you will always be around when her new man is done with her. I can tell you for sure that no married women will set up an exit plan like yours did with out having someone waiting in the wing.

See once you caught her she found it easier to bail then working out. You did catcher her ..it was so horrible that in your mind you had to deny the unthinkable.

Again no matter how hard it is to face the reality of her infidelity you must come to terms and distance your self. Poeple want what they dont have. If she sees you moving on and sees a confident man that can succeed with or with out her she may start to second guess her dicision.

So take the power back and stop begging and telling her you love her and will do anything...that is not going to help. Seeing you be strong and confident and the possiblity of you not being around will get her thinking.

I know this sh*t is hard, but when I saw the look in my wifes eyes when I started showing her how weak I was...the look in her eye was like now you care. But when I regrouped and distanced my self...made my self look like I was stronger then she though, my wife started to approach me more and when I told her it was him or me she choose me.

Keep in mind not only is your additude important right now but making her affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible to continue. So do some of your own investigation or hire a PI but once you get the proof of another man then you can also attack the affiar from another front by getting support from others.

Right now it looks just like a bad marriage, but if you get proof of an affair and expose it it become uncomfortable. Thats the second thing here is getting the OM out of the picture.

So #1 work on making your self better, #2 fight the affair.

And believe me she has most likely met some one at her new job but she has met someone. quitely investigat this reality then you can take the hard road of fighting whats really going on.
Right now you are not facing the real issue and that is that another man is influencing you marriage.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

the guy has given some very strong, practical advice here!

I'm a pro-marriage counselor with about 10 years of experience working with couples and families. I'm passionate about saving marriages and I've seen many seriously screwed up marriages get very healthy again. 

In addition to being strong, objective and facing the reality of the situation, have you considered marital therapy? 

There are some forms of therapy that are very effective at addressing these kinds of issues and being more effective than medication for mild to moderate clinical depression through properly fixing the marriage emotionally.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

confused, your story parallels mine in so many ways. The Guy gives good advice. In my case I don't think I want reconciliation, or if I did its past the point of no return for me, so I'm not wasting time fighting the affairs, we are separated, she is moving along at burnout pace no way for me to even keep up with that, so its just a matter of getting the separation and custody agreements drawn up and the divorce decree made... I really hate to hear your story, because I know how much it hurts and I wouldn't ever bestow that pain on anybody.


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## confused59 (Jun 28, 2011)

Wow, first off thanks for responding. thank you guy. you are the first one to actually tell me like it is. Everyone i have talked to, friends and family (hers and mine) have all said the same thing i was thinking, theres no way she would do that.

Reading your response has opened my eyes. first i pride myself on being very level headed and not afraid to stand up to stuff (could be why she doesn't want to tell me about an affair, well that and she, im sure, does not want to face family and friends)

after you said that i started thinking about past events and there are many more signs, that i hadn't mentioned, that point to an affair.

i think i am still shocked by all this, which is why i didnt think she would do something like that. i feel like i have been punched in the gut again. after reading ur post it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

it has only been just over a week since this all happened. so im still dazed by it. you are completely right about taking care of myself first. i have a lot of family and friends that are there for me right now. She doesnt want to talk and so i have not contacted her about talking it out. Im not sure where this leaves me. she moved out and i am moving out in 3 weeks (rental). 

i know u said some investigating on my part, but at this point i dont even know if i need to. i think when we talk again, she's coming over in a few days to pack some stuff up, i think i will just let her know that i know she is having an affair. does anyone see that being the best course? or let her family (which i am very close with) and our friends know, which will force her to deal with it. i am not going to waaste my time trying to play sherlock holmes, nor do i have the money right now to hire someone. i will in a month or so, but by then who knows. Thoughts? Oh and thank u all for responding. i am going to see a counselor, at least just to have someone with a neutral view to talk too. Thanks again


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I would not mention your suspicions at all, nor would I look for things to confirm....it will only mess with head and heart. Just work on you and as always check out the 180 plan on this site. It is very empowering. If there is someone or not...if really won't affect you or doing what is best for YOU! I know the pain and the hurt, just hold on and bear with it, it does get better.


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## confused59 (Jun 28, 2011)

i understand what you are saying about not mentioning it, but its pretty hard not to say anything. i will do what is best for me, but just letting it go, dont know if i can.


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## confused59 (Jun 28, 2011)

oh, i forgot to mention that the guy she was texting, prob the other guy now. is married, does that make a difference. im sure his wife would like to know. i dont know who it is, didnt put his real name on her cell. i haved his # from her cell. im not gonna call him, but, thoughts.


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