# Not getting any. Can't bear it :(



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

So I've commented a few bits here and there but never actually posted. Not even sure why I am posting, other than I'm lying in bed wide awake, angry and he's snoring away beside me quite the bleeding thing!!

I will be very very lucky if ive got laid 20 times in the past year! Started last may when I had none for the whole month!! Pulled him up on it, said it wasn't on. He blame it on some medication that has side effects of lowered sex drive. I then got maybe once a week to once a fortnight to none again. Moaned about it some more, got a token effort again then it stopped again. 
I was getting more and more frustrated. He kept blaming this medication - which he's been on long term and hadn't caused any problems until last may. Although in hindsight the most I'd ever had would be twice a week! And I didn't discover I have a particularly high sex drive until I had to start going without. 
Anyway, after months and months of me moaning about it and several fights about it, in February he asked the doc to check his testosterone levels. 3 separate occasions I had mentioned this idea to him before he finally bothered to find out! In the meantime he's forcing himself to sleep with me maybe once a fortnight or so. 
The doc takes his bloods, has him come back TWO WEEKS later, only to do more bloods. Another appointment another two weeks later sees him referred to the specialist at the hospital. He definitely has very low testosterone. His first hospital appointment was a month later - and they took a million more blood samples! His follow up appointment was for 6 weeks time - which is still 3 weeks away. 
Now in the 6 weeks from having his testosterone confirmed as low, to the hospital appointment I got absolutely no sex. We fell out about it. He made it out it's not his fault, his testosterone is low blah blah blah. The way I see it is he managed to force himself to have some kind of sex with me before, now all I seem to have done is give him an excuse not to bother! I tell him and tell him and tell him how awful I feel. How I hate going to bed at night and getting nothing. I mean I could strut about the house naked, or in sexy undies and he still wouldn't bat an eyelid. 
In my head I know that he just doesn't ever think of sex but I don't understand how he doesn't think of me. If I'm particularly grumpy, he knows that's why yet still he never even mentions it, nor does anything about it. I tell him I feel that he doesn't want me and how soul destroying it is and it's like he doesn't care or doesn't even hear me. 
So we get to 2 days ago, and I tell him that I'm not cuddling anymore. We normally cuddle on the couch and then cuddle in bed before going to sleep. I told him I can't do it. And nothing. He's never mentioned it, never even attempted to cuddle me either. Not that I want him to. I want him to feel how I feel! I have never, ever felt so constantly depressed in my whole life. 

I know I'm getting angry, and I know I'm getting resentful and he just doesn't seem to care. "Ive got low testosterone, I'm seeing the hospital about it, what more can I do?"

And here I am, like every other night, lying awake, crying myself to sleep and he just doesn't care.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

So does he give you any type of sexual pleasure at all? If not, tell him to suck it up, he has needs to meet. He has fingers and a tongue, so he should just do it, even if he isn't in the mood.


----------



## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> He has fingers and a tongue, so he should just do it, even if he isn't in the mood.


Yeah that sounds like it would be one heck of a fun party.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

LD (low drive) spouses rarely fully understand the hurt they cause their higher drive spouse. That feeling of being unwanted and undesired night after night, week in and out, and on into months/years really wears at you. I know, I've been married 15 years this month and most of those years have been sexless (<10 times a year).

I've been where you are, and at times I still am: alone during the day or night in tears. It can be agonizing! At times it can be your own private hell.

Things have started to turn around between my wife and I, and I hope with testosterone treatment that things might turn around for you. Still there is more you two can and should do.

You two should consider seeing a sex therapist. My wife and I have been seeing one for just over a month, and it's made a difference in our sex lives and in my wife's attitudes towards sex.

One other thing that I have done that's made a big difference for me is to channel all that frustration and #@&! into something I enjoy. For me that's been exercise. Over the past month and maybe a half now I've been exercising just about everyday (I skip some days on the weekends).

You need to find that something to pour yourself into: exercise, art, education, etc.. Just throw yourself into something, and give your husband some space while he starts his testosterone treatment. Stop asking for sex all the time, or even at all. Just focus on yourself and your interests. Be loving and kind to him. Respect him and communicate well together... but just shift more of the focus of your life onto yourself. That space will help clear your mind and release all that resentment building up inside.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

stedfin said:


> Yeah that sounds like it would be one heck of a fun party.


I've seen it mentioned for women to do it. Just do it, I think it's called?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Clairey,

You're not alone here!

Many men and women find themselves in a very similar situation, some worse, some better.

Personally, my wife has a lower drive than I do and it has been an ongoing issue for us that we've worked on to no end. While my situation is not as bad as yours (frequency wise) I do sympathize. The numerous rejections have taken a toll on my self-esteem and caused me to doubt myself as a man at times.

Many times after she'd reject me and just go to sleep, I'd lie in bed for a few minutes after she nodded off and then I'd leave the bed to go sleep on the couch because I couldn't take the thought of lying next to someone who didn't want me.

I'd often return to the bed in the early morning and as dar as I know, she never has known that I was gone! (She's a sound sleeper)

As others have said, it's not you but also please get the two of you in to some type of therapy and start talking about this issue. It won't get better on it's own


----------



## jennablu (May 10, 2012)

Awww Clairey, 

I was in tears listening to my husband snore away last night as well. 

It is so hard, isn't it! I'm starting to get VERY resentful as well. 

Yes, he is seeing the dr. etc. and that is great - but I would be just as upset as you! There are still things he can do. 

This is what touched me the most about your post, because this is exactly how I feel;

*In my head I know that he just doesn't ever think of sex but I don't understand how he doesn't think of me. If I'm particularly grumpy, he knows that's why yet still he never even mentions it, nor does anything about it. I tell him I feel that he doesn't want me and how soul destroying it is and it's like he doesn't care or doesn't even hear me. *

THIS IS NOT OK!! I told my husband it would be like him telling me (please excuse this example - but you get the point) 'hun, I know you HATE doing the laundry etc. but it does really bother me that I never have clean work socks. If I could wake up in the morning knowing I had clean work socks it would truly make me happy and improve my life greatly" (FYI I'm messy as heck - but my husband truly doesn't seem to be bothered by it and never nit-picks etc. ) 

I would MAKE F'in sure I had those socks clean at all costs. He told me it would make him happy - and I want to make him happy so why wouldn't I try. 

Of course sex is a lot different then clean socks - and no you don't want your partner to 'not like it' ~ but dear god. 

I wish you luck! It sucks! Hang in there ;-) 

Jenna


----------



## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

Get couples counseling. I think once you both understand each other better, things will improve.


----------



## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi Claire,

I just wanted to let you know that I too am in a similar position to you. The good news is at least your husband has been to the doctor and the problem is being investigated. Fingers crossed for you that it gets resolved and you get back on track!



Reading your post there were many similarities to my own situation. However, although my husband isn't interested in sex at all he won't even admit there's a problem! We have had sex twice this year! It absoluely kills me. I am lucky if I get a peck on the cheek at night...lucky me! What I don't understand is if it was the otherway around and I was the one who wasn't interested, there is no way I could keep rejecting him, it is the most hurtful thing ever.I have slept next to my husband and cried myself to sleep because i feel so lonely and empty. I think a previous poster mentioned a good way to channel your energy is to focus on you. I really enjoying running. Try and take up a hobby( if you don't already have one) or something that you can focus on and channel you energy on.

I truly hope you can work this out. I know for me, I think I havepassed the point of no return. He has hurt me so much I don't think I even want him near me anymore. He makes me feel like a freak although I am told that I am attractive so I do realise he is the one with the problem not me.Unfortunately, I am trapped as we have two young children. Good Luch to you and I hope you can work things out, let us know how you get on

XXX


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

Thanks for your support  means a lot. Especially to hear from others in my position - not that I'd wish it on my worst enemy!

I'm seriously grumpy with him today still I can feel it. I've been away out today working the bar at an agriculutural show. He was out for work before I left and I told him I'd be back about 8 tonight. I then texted him at half 7 I say I was on my way home (takes an hour) and at half 8 as I was almost home, I met him on the road with his pal heading the opposite direction. He's not had dinner, I've not had dinner. And now I'm still sitting in the house 40 mins later with no sign of him!! It makes me sooo mad! He finished work at half 3 on Fridays so he's hours to do whatever crap he's doing now! And it's not like he didnt know I'd be home by now!!
It makes me sooo mad!! The worst of it is, we've been friends for 12 years before getting together, and there's kids involved so it's not as simple as just walking away. But I just can't believe all these years when I thought I knew him - and would have told anyone he's the most unselfish person I know - that it turns out he is actually pretty bloody selfish! 
And now I'm such a spiteful cow I'm sitting wishing I'd made my dinner when I got in as id have finished it be now and he'd have to fend for himself! 

Urgh! And I hate being grumpy!!  I'm normally the happiest wee cheeriest person you'd ever find. Always positive in the most hopeless of situations...until now


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

clairey83 said:


> Urgh! And I hate being grumpy!!  I'm normally the happiest wee cheeriest person you'd ever find. Always positive in the most hopeless of situations...until now


So sorry! 

I too am a really cheery person the vast majority of the time, always one to try and find the positive in others. I know it can be hard to be where you are.

Like you I have children (4 in my case), so divorce isn't an easy option... in my case I ruled it out as an option. Separation though, I didn't. I never threatened it as a tool to get my wife to kowtow to my wishes, but I seriously considered it at times and my wife knew it... and that I was serious about it.

Just be very careful if you decide to go that way that you don't brandish separation like a weapon, it can cut both ways and can hurt more than help.

You need to make it clear to him, that you are the first priority in his life... not the last. I know I had to deal with that very issue with my wife. She treated EVERYTHING as a higher priority to me and my needs. It sounds like he puts his friends and his fun over you.

One other thing we did, that I don't believe I covered in this thread to help communicate better with my wife was to do what I called write ups. Each of us separately wrote down all the things we saw as broken/wrong in our marriage. We then went over each other's lists together, but with the rule that we weren't allowed to get defensive and our job was to sympathize with the other... or at least understand where they are coming from. When we were done we laid out some practical plans for each of us to improve things for the others.

Those write ups helped us a great deal to understand each other more, and to meet each other's needs.


----------



## buzzedbee (May 17, 2012)

I too am living in a sexless marriage. I'm the partner who wants more sex, and sometimes it really upsets me. I get angry and frustrated. But you know what? I don't "need" sex. I just want it, really really badly. 

I have read a lot of comments on here about how the partner who is withholding sex is being selfish and whatnot - but I can't imagine anything much worse than having sex if you don't want to have sex.

In a marriage there are always going to be disagreements, and sex seems like a big one. But I can't force my wife to want to have sex.

It's taken me a while to figure this out. Our sex life has been nearly non-existent for going on 5 years. But otherwise my wife and I have a great relationship. We get along really well, we laugh all the time, we share goals and interests - we really are best friends, working together to make our life.

So as for sex, well, I get a lot done these days. Lets just put it that way. I have hobbies, I keep myself busy. I am also getting pretty creative when it comes to masturbation.

It's not perfect, but no marriage is. Practice patience and forgiveness, and figuring out how to deal with things the way they are, instead of dealing with the way you would prefer them to be.

Good luck.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

In my case it's not the fact that he doesn't WANT to have sex. It's that he never ever thinks of it. As a result of his low testosterone so in hoping for a miracle cure it has to be said. But he enjoys sex, like really enjoys it. And I know that I'm definitely much more loving and affectionate in the days after I've got lucky. But he just never thinks of it. This is what gets me so frustrated and angry. I mean, why can't he set an alarm on his phone that we're gona have sex on Wednesday or whatever. Not very romantic I know, but it means when his alarm goes off, he'll think of it. We'll be ok. It's the lack of effort to come up with a solution that stresses me so much  
But anyway, I got some Saturday, made mention of being horny on Tuesday and got it again  miracle ha. But now I'll be waiting weeks again I think because I just don't like having to beg for it!

But anyway, he's back at the testosterone specialist on the 1st of June so fingers crossed they start to sort him then. Although he had to have an MRI scan this week so I'm a little worried he may require the pituitary gland removed :-/ but apparently is a simple safe procedure, and at least he'll be better afterwards. 

As usual, my fingers are firmly crossed


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

clairey83 said:


> In my case it's not the fact that he doesn't WANT to have sex. It's that he never ever thinks of it.


Yeah that hurts. What's more for me is that it makes me feel undesirable.  Is it that way for you?

I hope things work out for you, and the doctors are able to help.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

Oh that's totally the way it is!! And I get mad at myself you coz even though in my head I know it's coz he just doesn't think the same way I do, or the way most people do, it still hurts like hell. 
I could walk through the house stark naked, or even in sexy undies and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Meanwhile if we're cuddled in the couch and he brushes against a bit of skin and I'm turned on! 
It's definitely the thought that he doesn't want me. To look at me does nothing for him. It's awful.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

clairey83 said:


> Oh that's totally the way it is!! And I get mad at myself you coz even though in my head I know it's coz he just doesn't think the same way I do, or the way most people do, it still hurts like hell.
> I could walk through the house stark naked, or even in sexy undies and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Meanwhile if we're cuddled in the couch and he brushes against a bit of skin and I'm turned on!
> It's definitely the thought that he doesn't want me. To look at me does nothing for him. It's awful.


I can sadly relate with 100% of that... with my wife it's the same way. 

Just know that your feelings are normal for what you are dealing with.

Keep in mind that his feelings/reactions towards you don't define who you are, and shouldn't be the basis for your own self image. It's easier said than done though, I know.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

I know! I try to keep my sensible head on and remember these things. But when it gets to the stage where I've been waiting a while, all reasonable thoughts go out the window and I just feel like crap  sucks. It's even worse when you know it's coming. Like now, I know I'm going at least at fortnight. I'll get grumpy soon. Although I've arranged a date night for next Saturday...if I don't get laid after my scummy 3 course meal I'm doing, there might be a murder


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

Dean, I've long since given up. I sleep with my leg wrapped round him every single night. I used to sleep naked but now I don't. Although every now and again I do - and he still doesn't notice, or bother. It bugs me as there's no way he doesnt know when I really want sex, but he chooses to do nothing about it!!


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't get this at all. 

Earlier someone said how terrible it would be to have sex when you really don't want to have sex. Really! 

What about all the other things people do for each other because they love them and are committed to them? 

How terrible it is to fold laundry when you don't really want to?
How terrible it is to unload the dishwasher?

When it comes to marriage and relationships. 

Sex would be my choice if I had to choose something I didn't really want to do, but had to do it.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

Yep, very good point. I mean really, who wants to get up everyday and go to work, cook the dinner, do the dishes, wash the clothes, clean the bathrooms, pay the bills blah blah blah, they all get done because they need done. And there's no way sex is any less important than any of these things. 
I mean, I just want laid on a regular basis. I just want to be wanted. I don't think it's much to ask...but he seems to think its a lot to do


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

A week and a half later and I'm crabbit again  made mention yesterday that the days were fairly passing by. He ignored it. Gave a not so subtle hint today. Also ignored. We came to bed early as he was tired. I still had my favourite tv programme to watch so suggested he could sort me out when we got to bed then I'll watch my telly while he sleeps. Ignored. 
So then he falls asleep - I've not even had a kiss or a cuddle tonight - and I get the telly on. Half an hour later he says "so much for my plan of coming to bed early to sleep!" so I strop and tell him I'll turn the tv down and turn it so low I can barely hear it. Within seconds he's snoring again. I did sooo well not to snap back about my plans of getting laid every night which never happen. But now I'm lying here seething, wishing I'd just snapped at him. 
Which means tomorrow I'll be grumpy all day, and probably every day this week. Which he won't even notice. Makes me sooo bloody mad!!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

clairey83 said:


> But anyway, he's back at the testosterone specialist on the 1st of June so fingers crossed they start to sort him then. Although *he had to have an MRI scan this week so I'm a little worried he may require the pituitary gland removed :-/ but apparently is a simple safe procedure*, and at least he'll be better afterwards.
> 
> As usual, my fingers are firmly crossed


You know, they say the definition of "_simple _procedure" and "_minor _surgery" is surgery that is happening to someone else. 

Removing a pituatary gland is brain surgery, no matter how "simple" it is. Whether they go through his nose or the base of his skull, it's is surgery. 

Are you seriously just only a "little worried" about his surgery? Your concern is only for your sex life right now? I'd suggest you find it within yourself to care a little more about what he might be going through right now, rather than only on the impact on your sex life you are hoping for.

Does he have a tumor or tumors on it? Removing those can affect his vision, depending on location. If they remove his _entire _pituitary gland, he'll have to take hormones for the rest of his life as this gland makes ALL hormones, not just the ones you seem to care about.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

Maybe if you'd read the whole thing you'd see we haven't been turned he even needs surgery. I just wondered myself and stated the his consultant had made mention of it in the beginning and said that it is minor. I'm fully aware that it is brain surgery and obviously if it comes to that then I'll be more than worried. Also had you read everything, you'll have seen his testosterone is way below what is classes as low so once they've found the actual cause of this, he's then going to be on testosterone replacement therapy for the rest of his life anyway. 
And yes I am being a bit selfish just now but I think I'm quite entitled. Again, if you'd read the whole thing, it's not so much the lack of sex that's the problem, it's his lack of interest to even consider me at all. 

Thanks so much for your helpful input!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Again, if you'd read the whole thing, it's not so much the lack of sex that's the problem, it's his lack of interest to even consider me at all.


I did read the whole thread. 

Increasing his testosterone levels through hormones won't make him consider you more.

Having to take hormones to STAY ALIVE is very different from taking testosterone to supplement what his body isn't producing so you can have more sex.

And I do understand that they haven't yet determined if he needs the surgery - that's what the weeks and weeks of testing and MRI's is for...something that you just blow off in impatience because the doctors haven't "fixed" him yet so you can have sex more.

Again - testosterone won't make him consider you more. It's your relationship that is messed up. Testosterone isn't going to fix that.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

I give him all the consideration and then some. I come on here and vent rather than taking my stress out on him. 
There's loads of other things his lack of testosterone causes rather than just his lack of sexual interest which we also have to deal with, which he gets support for. There's also other stuff going on, which is noone else's concern, but that he gets my full support with - and most folk would say he doesn't deserve it, I should be gone. Which I'm not, and have no intention of doing. I'm in this for the long haul. I love him with every single bit of me - and then some. There's nothing I woulnt do for him. But the past year, for many different reasons he's not treated me like I should and I just suck it up. I come on here to vent a little because I know what's going on isn't his fault, can't be helped, is gonna take time to fix and because I don't want to spend our time falling out! 

Yes I am a bit selfish at times, but until you've walked in my shoes there's no way you could ever say he doesn't get the consideration or support or anything else he needs from me. 

I just find it more than hard sometimes


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I come on here to vent a little because I know what's going on isn't his fault, can't be helped, is gonna take time to fix and because I don't want to spend our time falling out!


But you shouldn't have to suck it all up, and it's not really good for your or your marriage if you just suck it up. That just builds more and more resentment that you later have to dismantle if your marriage is to be repaired. 

If you're in it for the long haul, and his lack of consideration is destroying you, then you have to get that out in the open. That will always be there even if you resolve the testosterone and other physical problems. 

You can't be a team, a partnership, a marriage if you keep adding more resentment and distance between you. Don't let it keep building. Talk with him. Walk away if things start to get heated, and talk with him again after he's had time to think about what you've said. 

You have to find out if he's in it for the long haul, and if so, what he thinks about your relationship as it is, and what he sees for the two of you in the future. If you want the same things in a relationship, you can figure out how to get there together.


----------



## clairey83 (Apr 20, 2012)

His lack of consideration is mostly sex related. Everything else is not so bad. He's not a big talker, in fact he'd walk off rather than deal with any problems. 
I know he's in it for the long haul (we're not married though) and I know he loves me. But he thinks everything is fine and that once he gets his testosterone fixed the sex will be fine too. 
We will be fine, there's just a lot stressing me out at the moment. And like I said, I don't want us falling out about it, it's bad enough that I get grumpy. It will get sorted, along with everything else we're working on. 
Like I said, I just need to have somewhere else to vent that's not at him.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't get this at all.
> 
> Earlier someone said how terrible it would be to have sex when you really don't want to have sex. Really!
> 
> ...



Why is it so allegedly terrible to have sex when you really don't "feel" like it (even though that is what you vowed to do) but it's just peachy swell keen to force your partner to behave as a sexless zombie even though they don't "feel" like it? Are their feelings somehow more valid or more important than their partner's? They certainly didn't sign up to be celibate. As you pointed out, why don't we get to be slaves to our emotions in all other aspects of life? If my "feelings" tell me to hit on some hot young lady, am I free to do that? If my "feelings" tell me to punch my boss in the nose and lose my job, do I have the right to do so and impoverish my family?


----------

