# Affairs ruin more than trust..



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

It's sad how A's ruin all the good things in your life. Summer use to be my favorite time of year. Now it's nothing but flashbacks & hurt. I can't enjoy tv or my music that I use to Love. They even ruined fishing for me. They will never understand how meany aspects of your life they've destroyed.

Just curious, What are some of the things it ruined for you guys?


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Sex, sleeping in my own bed, activities I enjoyed that they did together too, looking at family photos from the time period of affairs, spending time with mutual friends for fear OW will show up, the joy and/or sense of accomplishment I had over vacations/workshops/volunteering I did that took me away from home because that became an opportunity for them to get together...in my home. 

4 years down the line, I am working hard to regain that lost happiness by realizing that I create my own happiness, that it was/is not dependent on any other person or thing. As we are trying to rebuild our marriage, I am trying to create new memories and happiness with a different man, my FWH.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> Sex, sleeping in my own bed, activities I enjoyed that they did together too, looking at family photos from the time period of affairs, spending time with mutual friends for fear OW will show up, the joy and/or sense of accomplishment I had over vacations/workshops/volunteering I did that took me away from home because that became an opportunity for them to get together...in my home.
> 
> 4 years down the line, I am working hard to regain that lost happiness by realizing that I create my own happiness, that it was/is not dependent on any other person or thing. As we are trying to rebuild our marriage, I am trying to create new memories and happiness with a different man, my FWH.


Wow, All of these apply to me too. It changes everything doesn't it?!?


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

I received a photo from my ex holding up a fish she caught...from her new man's cottage a few weeks ago. This really hurt...stupid of me not to block her...we used to enjoy the summer together...now summer feels empty for me, and she gets to enjoy it with her new guy. It still hurts despite how much stronger I am.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Well, for me. July 4th and Father's day are two days that will always give me memories of pain. I haven't even enjoyed July 4th ever since 2008.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

deg20 said:


> I received a photo from my ex holding up a fish she caught...from her new man's cottage a few weeks ago. This really hurt...stupid of me not to block her...we used to enjoy the summer together...now summer feels empty for me, and she gets to enjoy it with her new guy. It still hurts despite how much stronger I am.


I'm so sorry, Me & my H have always Loved to fish. They always met at the lake. Although he don't take me to that lake anymore, Every time we go I still shake from the inside out & get sick at my stomach.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> Well, for me. July 4th and Father's day are two days that will always give me memories of pain. I haven't even enjoyed July 4th ever since 2008.


My H invited OW to come watch fireworks with us & she took pictures of us with him standing between us & posted them on face book with the caption (Good Times)


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

The upside of my STBXH's Narcissist Personality Disorder is that he never enjoyed doing any of the activities I enjoy most - going to concerts/to hear live music, going to touring Broadway shows, stand-up comedy, movies. I've been going to those alone or with girlfriends for years.

He also didn't enjoy the TV shows I enjoyed except "Dexter" and "Lost," but those are long over.

We did both enjoy watching professional tennis, and he plays tennis, so that's a goner for now. I'm trying to remind myself that I've loved watching Wimbledon over the 4th of July since I was a kid, so I shouldn't let him take that one from me. But I'm torn as to if I can really enjoy it this year.

Certain songs are goners, too - especially love songs that are about falling in love. He told me on DDay that "We've Only Just Begun" was always his "favorite wedding song" (?!) - long story about how that came up, ironically minutes before I found out about their affair. He ultimately admitted that he and the OW actually talked about marriage after only knowing each other for three months (and five days of actually physically being together), and that this would be "their song." Gag. No more Carpenters for me. Ever. I literally feel sick to my stomach if I even think for a moment about any of their music.

The inside jokes and favorite lines from old movies we shared come up every now and then - I'll say one of them to someone else in context, then realize where it came from, and feel a twinge of sadness. But that's better than how I used to feel - I'd feel sick thinking that now he's sharing those with her, and she thinks that's just "their thing." Now I'm starting to not really care. I may send her a thank you card someday for saving me from continued life with a narcissist. If I have another serious relationship someday, it will be with someone who actually gives a crap about something other than himself, such as my thoughts and feelings, family, and interests, and who happily shares some of those interests with me.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It takes time. Give yourself sometime and you will go back to like those things. Keep in mind its up to you. What do you want out of your life. If you stay with the person that cheated on you then your in for a long drawn out process. Its probably not going to end well. 

Clay


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> As we are trying to rebuild our marriage, I am trying to create new memories and happiness with a different man, my FWH.


Wow...so true! (lol...not sure what FWS is, but I put a word with it!)

But seriously, I think my senses are heightened now. 

ANY good and loving experience we together now, well they're better than post affiar. Maybe its because I'm painfully aware just how 'big of a deal' it is to have them...

I treasure every one of them <3


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## kwood (Feb 9, 2015)

my wifes affair and our divorce ruined a lot for me also. we used to go to our camper and go fishing boating and cooking out. I keep thanking this time last year we would have been going to the lake this weekend. but I idid not no she was cheating on me at the time. now I her she is going to the lake and seeing her boy friend and going with her band buddys and it upsets me she replaced us with them.it tears you down as a person how you feel about your self and tears your world apart. but you no what all of us betrayed spouses are better then this we need to stand up and say the hell with cheaters they are taking nothing away from us. they only have the power to tear our world apart if we let them. I saw in some orther post called to late were the cheaters try and come back ..once they find out how bad the messed up. this hurts like hell but I will not stand here and let her take anymore from me our my kids. so I say to all of us betrayed spouses lets all stand up and fight like hell and get our lives back.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

After finding out I'm an illegitimate child passed off as another man's, 

I would say a good portion of the entire female population. Working on it, but it isn't an easy thing to just let go.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

All that other stuff--hobbies and such--I can keep apart from the loss, but what I lost was "us"--which was a thing that I believed in so strongly I would have done anything to protect. I liked believing in it and giving to it even at its co-dependent extreme that was a bit unhealthy. 

I'd like to think I can believe like this again, especially with the better understanding of relationships that I have now. But I have a road to travel before I get there.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Valentines Day, my birthday, sex and just being close with my spouse. I almost cannot stand for him to touch me now. He used to call me sweetie, but he also called her that. I asked him to never call me that again and he hasn't until the other night - it was almost like cold water thrown in my face. He has no idea how I cannot just forget he was with his "soul mate" for 9 months. I have forgiven but will never forget and never look forward to my birthday anymore.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

pollywog said:


> Valentines Day, my birthday, sex and just being close with my spouse. I almost cannot stand for him to touch me now. He used to call me sweetie, but he also called her that. I asked him to never call me that again and he hasn't until the other night - it was almost like cold water thrown in my face. He has no idea how I cannot just forget he was with his "soul mate" for 9 months. I have forgiven but will never forget and never look forward to my birthday anymore.


My H did the same thing he's always called me baby & that's what he called her too. He still calls me that..


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Mine called me sugar. I imagine he has called her that, too, but don't want to know for sure if he has. He called me honey, as well, but only sarcastically when he was annoyed with me about something. I hope he calls her that constantly.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

There are a couple of TV shows we used to watch together that I just can't watch now. I don't find as much "joy" as I used to in hobbies etc. I still do them but not nearly as much. I seem to talk myself into doing them now instead of looking forward to them. 

Friendships have changed. I don't see several people I used to spend time with. I've always had a little cynical streak in me. Now its a much bigger cynical streak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Mine called me sugar. I imagine he has called her that, too, but don't want to know for sure if he has. He called me honey, as well, but only sarcastically when he was annoyed with me about something. I hope he calls her that constantly.


When I got suspicious & checked his phone, The first message I saw was "I miss you baby" It literally made me sick!


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## Momofthree2015 (Jun 25, 2015)

Cheaters are the worst offenders of all people in any relationship. It's just the ultimate of bad behavior and selfish self preservation of the cheaters nature. They want to ensure they have you as their safety net, while they go out and play with someone else... Leaving you hanging in a relationship where you feel safe, till you suddenly have the rug yanked out from under you. It's just plain cruel and demented for anyone to think they have the right to destroy a person's hopes and dreams in such a manner. What makes it worst, is that you are someone who really cares for them and loves them, but it just doesn't matter. Narcissism I guess at it's best, or worst, however you look at it. It does affect you in so many ways you related to all things that you shared together. Reminders pop up everywhere, from songs, to movies, to restaurants and special dinners you shared together... Depending on how heavily invested in the relationship, I think will depend on how long it takes you to recover and find your joy again in all areas where breaking up causes you painful reminders. There are still a couple of songs I don't listen to much, because it reminds me of a cheater I parted from many many years ago.


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> After finding out I'm an illegitimate child passed off as another man's,
> 
> I would say a good portion of the entire female population. Working on it, but it isn't an easy thing to just let go.


Get therapy..this isn't healthy. I don't worry about feelings but about your quality of life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They went out for a long (and very expensive) lunch on his birthday -- to a place I had told him I wanted to go. Needless to say, I never went. He said she was the one who invited him but, knight in shining armor that he was, he insisted on paying for it. Who knows what the true story really was. 

I never again enjoyed his birthday for the several decades we remained together before I finally divorced him. Up to that point his birthday had always been important to me. That was just one of the many things he ruined. I would say basically everything changed into Before and After. 

Now, things are different and I couldn't care less about that. I send him a Happy Birthday text when it's his birthday and go on about my day without another thought of him. It's a lovely feeling.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

My birthday, forever ruined because he was so mean to me on one of them. 

I can't go to our own company anymore without feelings of physical shock.

The cities they have been where we used to go. 

The route I have walked in the neighborhood for 10 years with my kids - changed because she lives on that route. 

Restaurants I know they frequent.

And yes, summer for me too. Because that is when they started their affair.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Years are for the most part ruined. My birthday and Christmas the two I cared for more. I used to love spoiling my wife at Christmas, now I struggle to get her something from the boys. Since I was suspecting the affair on my birthday she gave me a sappy card. She also wrote in the card more sappy stuff and it was really over the top. Don't look forward to any of these days now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

All most everything you all mentioned here goes for me too. I only listed a few. I'm sure know body here had time to list them all. My H told me her son's birthday was the same as his. I haven't had to deal with that yet, But it's coming up in two months. He was with her on our Anniversary, She's been in my home, In both our vehicles, They even had sex in my seat of the truck where I have to ride all the time. I found a long blond hair the last time I rode in it. We live at the foot of a beautiful mountain I've always Loved the view. She went all over our neighborhood taking pictures of herself with the mountains in the background & the park just down the road & posted them on FB. Hung out with him at his place of work every day. Everywhere we go I wonder if he's been there with her. They didn't leave anything that could be just ours anymore.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I was talking about this with my boss, who is also a longtime friend, yesterday. I associate bad memories with months. (I know - I really should narrow it down a bit.)

Here are the months he's ruined for me:

January: He told me in January of this year that he'd been talking to a lawyer and wanted a divorce. Gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Said there was no point in MC. Swore there was no one else. This month was already fvcked for me, though, because I lost my Mom suddenly on 1/27/92.

February: Month of DDay - 2/20/15. As if that isn't quite enough, my stepmother of 42 years died on 2/19/14.

May: This one is probably the King of the Sucky Months. He moved out on 5/5/15. On 5/14/15, she came down from the misbegotten state of Missouri and spent a weeklong Fvck-a-Thon with him in the first house we bought together and lived in for 11 years very happily - in the same bed, even. 5/26/15 would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. Then there's the matter of 5/12/31 being my Dad's birthday, and I lost him in 2008. Needless to say, I was not sorry to see the backside of this month this year.

September: He met the OW on 9/27/14, at a funeral in, again, the misbegotten state of Missouri. My hatred of this month started with my Dad's death on 9/5/08. This doesn't help. Wake me up when September ends, indeed.

On the flipside, he does NOT get to take these months from me:

December: Even though I've come to find out he spent a week with her in The Navel of This Great Country, St. Louis, Missouri, in December of 2014, lying to me that he spent it with friends of supposedly both of ours, he cannot take Christmas from me.

March: Even though my 50th Birthday came less than a month after DDay and found me at about the depth of my despair, I went out with my brother and enjoyed myself, anyway. I also flew up to my GREAT home state of New York that month and saw a great play with a longtime friend. Fvck you. You will not take my Birthday month.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Have I mentioned I now hate the St. Louis Cardinals with the fire of a thousand suns?


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Momofthree2015 said:


> Cheaters are the worst offenders of all people in any relationship. It's just the ultimate of bad behavior and selfish self preservation of the cheaters nature. They want to ensure they have you as their safety net, while they go out and play with someone else... Leaving you hanging in a relationship where you feel safe, till you suddenly have the rug yanked out from under you. It's just plain cruel and demented for anyone to think they have the right to destroy a person's hopes and dreams in such a manner. What makes it worst, is that you are someone who really cares for them and loves them, but it just doesn't matter. Narcissism I guess at it's best, or worst, however you look at it. It does affect you in so many ways you related to all things that you shared together. Reminders pop up everywhere, from songs, to movies, to restaurants and special dinners you shared together... Depending on how heavily invested in the relationship, I think will depend on how long it takes you to recover and find your joy again in all areas where breaking up causes you painful reminders. There are still a couple of songs I don't listen to much, because it reminds me of a cheater I parted from many many years ago.


Said very well - I thought no matter what, we were in this together. Dealing with the knowledge that I was so very wrong is incredibly hard. Thinking about all the things we were going to do together as a family, and now we can't. Now it's either I do things with my daughter alone (which I will) but there's also the knowledge that he'll be taking her to do things without me, and I have to miss so much with my daughter because of him.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> All most everything you all mentioned here goes for me too. I only listed a few. I'm sure know body here had time to list them all. My H told me her son's birthday was the same as his. I haven't had to deal with that yet, But it's coming up in two months. He was with her on our Anniversary, She's been in my home, In both our vehicles, They even had sex in my seat of the truck where I have to ride all the time. I found a long blond hair the last time I rode in it. We live at the foot of a beautiful mountain I've always Loved the view. She went all over our neighborhood taking pictures of herself with the mountains in the background & the park just down the road & posted them on FB. Hung out with him at his place of work every day. Everywhere we go I wonder if he's been there with her. They didn't leave anything that could be just ours anymore.


That is appalling and dispicable. I am so sorry.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

badaboom said:


> Said very well - I thought no matter what, we were in this together. Dealing with the knowledge that I was so very wrong is incredibly hard. Thinking about all the things we were going to do together as a family, and now we can't. Now it's either I do things with my daughter alone (which I will) but there's also the knowledge that he'll be taking her to do things without me, and I have to miss so much with my daughter because of him.


Yes. I struggle with this thought, too. Now it won't be the three of us attending our son's Middle School Moving Up ceremony, High School and College graduations, wedding, etc. as a family. We'll have to go as separate entities. Then there are all the basketball games and track meets I'll miss because he's there. And the holidays. No more spent together as a family. I don't mourn Christmas as much as others very understandably do only because my STBX is an airline pilot who was often gone on Christmas, mostly, if I'm honest with myself, because he didn't give a crap about it or how important it was to me, and his job was a handy excuse to get out of dealing with it.

I really think he thought he, the OW, and I would all be friends someday. In the early days after DDay, he'd describe her as is if he were telling me about a new colleague at work he thought I'd really hit it off with. He's an idiot.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Affairs can ruin plenty. They can also serve as a catalyst to rebuild.

Looking back, I am somewhat ashamed at lengths I went through to try to make my wife happy when we were married as it was not reciprocated in the least. I can't get that time back, but I have learned from it and am in a much better place today. Life can actually improve drastically when the dust settles and the unremorseful lying cheat is removed from your life.

I am not suggesting that an affair is a good thing. Just saying that an affair can also ruin a miserable marriage. And in my case, I didn't realize what a healthy and happy life could be like for me until she was no longer a part of my life.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, workindad. Needed to hear that tonight. You're absolutely right.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Have I mentioned I now hate the St. Louis Cardinals with the fire of a thousand suns?


Welcome to the club! We have hats!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes. I struggle with this thought, too. Now it won't be the three of us attending our son's Middle School Moving Up ceremony, High School and College graduations, wedding, etc. as a family. We'll have to go as separate entities. Then there are all the basketball games and track meets I'll miss because he's there. And the holidays. No more spent together as a family. I don't mourn Christmas as much as others very understandably do only because my STBX is an airline pilot who was often gone on Christmas, mostly, if I'm honest with myself, because he didn't give a crap about it or how important it was to me, and his job was a handy excuse to get out of dealing with it.
> 
> I really think he thought he, the OW, and I would all be friends someday. In the early days after DDay, he'd describe her as is if he were telling me about a new colleague at work he thought I'd really hit it off with. He's an idiot.


My H did the same thing. When they first started their A He took me to a concert that her & her H were going to & waited outside for them so he could introduce me to her. Then she was all he talked about after I met her, What a good person she was & that she would make me a good friend. She started calling me all the time & he invited her everywhere we went. I don't know why they felt the need to bring her into my life. to pretend she was my new best friend.. Like you said they were both idiots!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

It's all about acceptance in the mind of the WS. If you like them then it can't be so bad what they are doing. It's pure deflection by the WS of how wrong their actions truly are. The WS figures if you like them, then this OM/OW isn't a bad person, and what they are doing is fine since, after all, you like them too. It's kind of unbelievable the brain can think that way, but if you think rationally, it's very stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes. I struggle with this thought, too. Now it won't be the three of us attending our son's Middle School Moving Up ceremony, High School and College graduations, wedding, etc. as a family. We'll have to go as separate entities. Then there are all the basketball games and track meets I'll miss because he's there. And the holidays. No more spent together as a family. I don't mourn Christmas as much as others very understandably do only because my STBX is an airline pilot who was often gone on Christmas, mostly, if I'm honest with myself, because he didn't give a crap about it or how important it was to me, and his job was a handy excuse to get out of dealing with it.
> 
> I really think he thought he, the OW, and I would all be friends someday. In the early days after DDay, he'd describe her as is if he were telling me about a new colleague at work he thought I'd really hit it off with. He's an idiot.


My birthday, he spent the entire day texting with the OW. It was also the first day we started MC (before I knew he was cheating). I never was big on my birthday anyway, but I don't see me celebrating it at all anymore.

Mother's day, I spent it with my daughter, which was nice. He gave me all these "I don't want to feel like a jerk" gifts, and I spent half the day crying. At least I can hope that next year will be better.

I think my husband also thought that we would all get along in the future. He'll talk to me like we're friends, and I've had to tell him repeatedly that he is the one that deliberately made sure that that wouldn't happen. He has said a few times that it "feels more like we're best friends" - interesting, I wasn't aware that this is how one treats a best friend either. I've already told him that the OW is not to be around our daughter, and he's agreed. How long we'll stay in agreement with that one, I don't know. But I'm going to insist on it for as long as I can. So there will be no happy family events with the OW present. He knows better than to bring her anywhere around me.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

How old is your daughter again, badaboom? My son is 13. My son wants to never have to even lay eyes on this woman, let alone meet her and spend any time whatsoever with her. That's going to become hard to avoid when/if she moves in with STBXH later this year.

I've told him never to introduce her to me, unless he wants to watch me punch her right in the face. He has agreed to that, but again, that won't truly be realistic if he does end up marrying her.

What worries me is that a month ago, he described her to his sister as "unstable" and having "emotional issues." His sister thought they were breaking up. But he's told her recently he plans to see her again soon, and acts like everything is back on again. I'm not sure which one of them is the more unstable, but I worry about my son being exposed to this nonsense. STBXH is interestingly in no hurry to introduce our son to her - he doesn't even like him to know when he's seeing her. I think he's still in the AF that is lifting, and he's struggling to hold on to it, because the reality is not so pretty.

In general, I hate the idea of her moving down here. This has been my town for 22 years, and it is the town in which my son was born and raised - I have no intention of leaving it while he's still in school. I really don't feel like sharing it with the likes of her.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

My daughter is 19 months. I have made it clear I want this woman nowhere near me or my daughter. He's also been advised by his therapist not to introduce her to our daughter unless he's thinking about marrying her. He's of course said "I would never do that" - yeah buddy, sorry your word doesn't mean much to me. 

At least we can hope that we won't have to meet these people until we've had more time to heal from this. I did wonder if he wouldn't rush getting engaged or even married just so that he wouldn't have to keep her away from my daughter. I'd have to hope he wouldn't rush it for that (or for any reason) but he's made it clear he's not making rational choices here.

I would also worry about the back and forth. Especially if it starts escalating to actually breaking up/getting back together cycle. How much time does he get with your son? Does he have him overnight? I know I'm putting it in my custody agreement that he cannot have anyone stay overnight at his house when he has my daughter. 

It could be the AF lifting, or it could be that he still has that underlying feeling of shame. My husband doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing the OW, doesn't even want me to know. Which is ridiculous. Because if they were so in love and not doing anything wrong, then why do they need to hide it? Idiots.

Her moving to your town sounds awful, I'm sorry. I have the opposite, where my husband is choosing to move to her town (1/2 hour from where his daughter lives/goes to school and where his job is). Really shows where his priorities are, doesn't it?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

badaboom said:


> It could be the AF lifting, or it could be that he still has that underlying feeling of shame. My husband doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing the OW, doesn't even want me to know. Which is ridiculous. Because if they were so in love and not doing anything wrong, then why do they need to hide it? Idiots.
> 
> Her moving to your town sounds awful, I'm sorry. I have the opposite, where my husband is choosing to move to her town (1/2 hour from where his daughter lives/goes to school and where his job is). Really shows where his priorities are, doesn't it?


EGG-Zactly. He also didn't want me to know she's coming down again for several days the week after next - he had no intention of telling me if I'd never asked, but because I did, he 'fessed up. I'm sure he thought he could hide her in his house (which is only 10 minutes away from my house, and 5 minutes away from where I work) like he did the last time she came down, because after all, she's only here for one purpose, and they don't have to do that in public. What a train wreck of a person she must be to accept such conditions. Is it not clear to her that he is so ashamed of her, even after separating from his wife and filing for divorce supposedly to be with her, that she isn't allowed to meet his son or be seen with him anywhere in public where someone who knows him might be?

Like you said, if it's so "serious" and he's so in love, why hide it? I asked him that the last time she came down, and he said he was trying not to rub my nose in it. Oh, really? Having her stay with you in the house we lived in for 11 years, in the very bed we slept in together for more years than that - one week after separating after 27 years of living together - isn't rubbing my nose in it?

I wish he would move 30-60 minutes away and just stay there, myself. He could have sold that house and started over in at least a different town - that would have been more (or some) of an attempt to not rub my nose in it. But no. He's going to live there with her, amongst neighbors that were our neighbors 10 years ago and who are still there. And who he's been telling I asked for the divorce. I think they'll figure out that's not quite accurate when they start seeing her around so soon after he moved back over there. He really thinks everyone else in the world is an idiot, when the biggest one of all is looking right back at him in the mirror.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> EGG-Zactly. He also didn't want me to know she's coming down again for several days the week after next - he had no intention of telling me if I'd never asked, but because I did, he 'fessed up. I'm sure he thought he could hide her in his house (which is only 10 minutes away from my house, and 5 minutes away from where I work) like he did the last time she came down, because after all, she's only here for one purpose, and they don't have to do that in public. What a train wreck of a person she must be to accept such conditions. Is it not clear to her that he is so ashamed of her, even after separating from his wife and filing for divorce supposedly to be with her, that she isn't allowed to meet his son or be seen with him anywhere in public where someone who knows him might be?
> 
> Like you said, if it's so "serious" and he's so in love, why hide it? I asked him that the last time she came down, and he said he was trying not to rub my nose in it. Oh, really? Having her stay with you in the house we lived in for 11 years, in the very bed we slept in together for more years than that - one week after separating after 27 years of living together - isn't rubbing my nose in it?
> 
> I wish he would move 30-60 minutes away and just stay there, myself. He could have sold that house and started over in at least a different town - that would have been more (or some) of an attempt to not rub my nose in it. But no. He's going to live there with her, amongst neighbors that were our neighbors 10 years ago and who are still there. And who he's been telling I asked for the divorce. I think they'll figure out that's not quite accurate when they start seeing her around so soon after he moved back over there. He really thinks everyone else in the world is an idiot, when the biggest one of all is looking right back at him in the mirror.


They're delusional. They think that we are the problem. I've been thinking about people suspecting that it was me not him. To our neighbors, it could look like that. He comes here three days a week to take our daughter to daycare and bring her home. He also still mows. It could look like he's trying to "win" me back. HAHA. He does those things because I told him he had to - not that he had to do what I said, but if he didn't he'd be the jerk. 

My husband says the same thing, doesn't want to upset me. Right. Because I'm so unaware of life around me that I have no idea what you're doing? Really? Let's just flip that around, eh? He also goes out in the town with her where all of our friends live, BUT only to bars I know for a fact no one I know frequents. I highly doubt that's coincidental. 

I'm sure she will start having a problem with him hiding her, sooner rather than later. I imagine my husband's OW is already probably having a problem with that. He's already started losing friends--looks like a good chance I'm going to get them all in the divorce--but of course, that's my fault because I told on him. Yup.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

So many parallels in our stories, bdb...

STBXH comes around to my house every day that he's not working - about 3-4 days a week, and takes our son to the gym or to play tennis. He does stuff outside for me like fix sprinkler heads or put the garbage cans out that I haven't asked him to do - because he's such a "good guy."

I know he told our neighbors our divorce was "mutual and amicable" and that we're "great friends and we always will be," because they told me so. I've straightened them out on that one. I've told them it's amicable only because I keep it that way for my son's sake, and that the truth is he left me for another woman who he's been seeing since last September. 

I've been invited to three neighborhood 4th of July parties. He has been invited to nada. His only friends now are a few guys he plays tennis with who never really knew me or our son at all, and to whom he can spin the story any way he wants to so that I look like the villain. I'm sure he'll tell them that he "just met" her when he starts including her in any get-togethers with them down the road. He can have them. Friendships based on a lie are all he's ever going to have, because he refuses to own what he's done and most likely will never feel any true remorse for it.

Any friendships and relationships I have going forward will be with people who are only comfortable with the truth.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I was talking about this with my boss, who is also a longtime friend, yesterday. I associate bad memories with months. (I know - I really should narrow it down a bit.)<br />
<br />
Here are the months he's ruined for me:<br />
<br />
January: He told me in January of this year that he'd been talking to a lawyer and wanted a divorce. Gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Said there was no point in MC. Swore there was no one else. This month was already fvcked for me, though, because I lost my Mom suddenly on 1/27/92.<br />
<br />
February: Month of DDay - 2/20/15. As if that isn't quite enough, my stepmother of 42 years died on 2/19/14.<br />
<br />
May: This one is probably the King of the Sucky Months. He moved out on 5/5/15. On 5/14/15, she came down from the misbegotten state of Missouri and spent a weeklong Fvck-a-Thon with him in the first house we bought together and lived in for 11 years very happily - in the same bed, even. 5/26/15 would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. Then there's the matter of 5/12/31 being my Dad's birthday, and I lost him in 2008. Needless to say, I was not sorry to see the backside of this month this year.<br />
<br />
September: He met the OW on 9/27/14, at a funeral in, again, the misbegotten state of Missouri. My hatred of this month started with my Dad's death on 9/5/08. This doesn't help. Wake me up when September ends, indeed.<br />
<br />
On the flipside, he does NOT get to take these months from me:<br />
<br />
December: Even though I've come to find out he spent a week with her in The Navel of This Great Country, St. Louis, Missouri, in December of 2014, lying to me that he spent it with friends of supposedly both of ours, he cannot take Christmas from me.<br />
<br />
March: Even though my 50th Birthday came less than a month after DDay and found me at about the depth of my despair, I went out with my brother and enjoyed myself, anyway. I also flew up to my GREAT home state of New York that month and saw a great play with a longtime friend. Fvck you. You will not take my Birthday month.



I am so sorry that your ex spouse did all those rotten things. However, it's not the state of Missouri's fault. My daughter was born on 5/5 and my birthday is 5/14. See, there are two good things  I know how you feel because these same things have happened to me. I don't wish to ever return to AR but it's my ex that I have to blame, not the state.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I don't really blame the state - it's just a trigger to hear about anything having to do with it, especially St. Louis.

I look forward to the day when I just don't care about any of it anymore. Then, Missouri and May will be off my Sh!t List.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I know the feeling! Just yesterday, my son called me from my rich, skanky XW's house, calling me about FAFSA info for scholarship/student aid purposes while doing his data info entry on her home DSL ~ and then suddenly hearing her voice in the background!

While I personally choose never to speak to her again, it still hurts me beyond measure to just hear her voice or to see her photo!*


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

That's a good mentality to have. He can say whatever he wants, he just has to deal with the fact that you can too. Definitely having that over here. I got the "so you told everyone that I'm a horrible person so I won't have any friends?". Actually no, I told people the bare bones truth and didn't really care to go into more detail about my husband's infidelity. He makes me so mad. All about him. 
I've been waiting to tell our next door neighbors (the only ones who's opinion I really care about). We're always with our kids so it's awkward. They've only asked one time where he was, and that was right in the beginning. 

Yeah, my husband uses the "we grew apart" and "we're more of best friends than husband and wife". Doesn't matter. He can say whatever. I have plenty of proof if I actually needed it. Which I don't, because very few people I have told have been 100% shocked. And that's been a heartbreak in and of itself.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I had to move away from where we lived for almost 2 decades to stop getting re-traumatized or triggered.

That actually worked for me. I went first to an apartment 100 miles away on the other side of my work location. Then I moved out of the SF Bay area entirely, bought a house in Southern California, rebooted my life.

You can move on.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....my undiluted realization of how my wife's betrayal impacted my life ...came ....when ...viewing a magnificent sunset in the Bahamas ...I said ...with no visible emotion ..."I remember when that meant something to me".


......I don't engage in photography any longer ....I don't paint .....and I don't partake in any of my previously enjoyed hobbies.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> It's sad how A's ruin all the good things in your life. Summer use to be my favorite time of year. Now it's nothing but flashbacks & hurt. I can't enjoy tv or my music that I use to Love. They even ruined fishing for me. They will never understand how meany aspects of your life they've destroyed.
> 
> Just curious, what are some of the things it ruined for you guys?



I picked out a very nice dress for her and she wore it for him and not me. That one I have not gotten over. I will never buy her another dress as long as I live

May then September then our favorite restaurant was ruined
However, I am determined to separate those from the two betrayers. They are not going to ruin those months for me. I have deliberately gone to that restaurant for years and now it does not bother me a bit and I enjoy all my favorite dishes there. They have ruined enough for me I am not going to let them ruin what I can change. I use my hurts to motivate me to help me overcome.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> I picked out a very nice dress for her and she wore it for him and not me. That one I have not gotten over. I will never buy her another dress as long as I live


Sounds like an opportunity to grow in forgiveness there, Mr. Blunt.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H did the same thing. When they first started their A He took me to a concert that her & her H were going to & waited outside for them so he could introduce me to her. Then she was all he talked about after I met her, What a good person she was & that she would make me a good friend. She started calling me all the time & he invited her everywhere we went. I don't know why they felt the need to bring her into my life. to pretend she was my new best friend.. Like you said they were both idiots!


Almost the same here. We met the OM and his STBX at a restaurant for drinks and food. With our kids! *puke* 

She really thought me and POSOM would be good friends. *puke again*


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

This is a bad month for me. This time last year I was spending all my time alone. Starting to suspect them & hoping I was wrong. I tried so hard to get through this weekend with the 4th being one of my worst memories. I was doing pretty good until he wanted me to make him a new cd & one of the songs he wrote down was, Do you still think of me. 

He came in while I was listing to it & I started shaking so bad I couldn't hide it & he noticed. He can't understand why a song would get me upset. This coming from a man that got me to make cd's for them with all there Love songs to each other so they could listen to them while they were making out..


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> This is a bad month for me. This time last year I was spending all my time alone. Starting to suspect them & hoping I was wrong. I tried so hard to get through this weekend with the 4th being one of my worst memories. I was doing pretty good until he wanted me to make him a new cd & one of the songs he wrote down was, Do you still think of me.
> 
> He came in while I was listing to it & I started shaking so bad I couldn't hide it & he noticed. He can't understand why a song would get me upset. This coming from a man that got me to make cd's for them with all there Love songs to each other so they could listen to them while they were making out..


Did you tell him that?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

badaboom said:


> Did you tell him that?


No I didn't. It would only have caused a fuss That would've been my fault of course for throwing things in his face. So I just let it go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Shaking my head. He needs to hear your truth. And he needs to accept he will be hearing it for a very long time to come. 

Your husband is tone-deaf to the long-lasting repercussions of an affair. He thinks because he's over it that you should be too. But it doesn't work that way. 

And he doesn't do all he can to help you heal. Otherwise, he would be more than willing to listen to whatever you have to say whenever you need to say it. He isn't. 

You are carrying far too much of the burden.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded, 

You hit the nail on the head. He thinks if I just stop thinking about it or bringing it up. It will go away. I think it just keeps me from getting past it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Openminded,
> 
> You hit the nail on the head. *He thinks if I just stop thinking about it or bringing it up. It will go away. I think it just keeps me from getting past it*.


You need to tell him the above............


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

karole said:


> You need to tell him the above............


I have. He says all it does is get us both upset & there's no since in it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
> I picked out a very nice dress for her and she wore it for him and not me. That one I have not gotten over. I will never buy her another dress as long as I live
> 
> By jld
> Sounds like an opportunity to grow in forgiveness there, Mr. Blunt.


You got me there jld! You are right I need to get over that. Maybe I need to cut down on reading certain posts at TAM as I get affected sometimes and get thrown off what is most important. I am going to buy her a nice dress when we go on vacation in September. I am going to engage my spiritual faith over my unreliable emotions!

Thanks jld!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> You got me there jld! You are right I need to get over that. Maybe I need to cut down on reading certain posts at TAM as I get affected sometimes and get thrown off what is most important. I am going to buy her a nice dress when we go on vacation in September. I am going to engage my spiritual faith over my unreliable emotions!
> 
> Thanks jld!!!


You know I'm not one to stay with a cheating wife but I think those that do should make it a 100%.

I've heard you comment about your marriage being less than 100% in a few areas and that was probably as good as it would get after her affair.

Here's hoping for you to make it to 100% in this marriage that you chose.

I believe any less is not accepting all God has for marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Devastated. Are you sure about this R attempt?

You are very wounded and he doesn't seem to have what it takes to help you heal , much less build a strong marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> You got me there jld! You are right I need to get over that. Maybe I need to cut down on reading certain posts at TAM as I get affected sometimes and get thrown off what is most important. I am going to buy her a nice dress when we go on vacation in September. I am going to engage my spiritual faith over my unreliable emotions!
> 
> Thanks jld!!!


Beautiful!!! This makes me smile!!! :smile2:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

This is such a sad thread. I am so sorry for anyone who this has happened to. 

Reading this it's a wonder anyone can reconcile. 

I think it's important to not keep Facebook ties or ties where you have to be confronted with WW's new life. 

My husband was a terrible husband so special days were ruined before his affairs but I am so happy he is out of my life that every day is better than it was in the past. 

These OM/OW who are "friends" with the BS are the worst. I have the most trouble with these type of people. 

Terrible stories here. I hope everyone can make better memories in the future.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Devastated. Are you sure about this R attempt?
> 
> You are very wounded and he doesn't seem to have what it takes to help you heal , much less build a strong marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ConanHub,

We talked last night & for the first time he opened up & told me, The reason he wouldn't talk to me Is because he's scared. He's never seen me hurt like this before & when we talk it all comes out & he's so afraid that he's loosing me. Every time I get upset he thinks this is it. She's about to snap the thread I'm hanging on by. He can't stand to see how bad he's hurt me & all he wants to do is fix it. In his mind he thought if he could get the focus off of that, He could eventually replace the bad memories with good ones. He feels like I'm so focused on what he did that I can't see what we could have & he's right.

I've shut down & put him at arms length. I see now that I need help. I'm going to start looking into getting into IC meany of you tried to tell me that's what I needed, But I was so focused on trying to fix him that I couldn't see that I need help too. I think this is a big step forward. We talked for over an hour & I got to tell him how I felt about a lot of things. That really helped & it helped to know how he feels about it too. Thank you all for putting up with me..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Great post Devastated.

Very glad you had such a good conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Rugs said:


> This is such a sad thread. I am so sorry for anyone who this has happened to.
> 
> Reading this it's a wonder anyone can reconcile.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry about your husband - funny, I've got a lot of hindsight going on now and admitting that my husband ruined a lot of special days before his affair as well. It is indeed sad, so many Christmases and vacations ruined.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> ConanHub,
> 
> We talked last night & for the first time he opened up & told me, The reason he wouldn't talk to me Is because he's scared. He's never seen me hurt like this before & when we talk it all comes out & he's so afraid that he's loosing me. Every time I get upset he thinks this is it. She's about to snap the thread I'm hanging on by. He can't stand to see how bad he's hurt me & all he wants to do is fix it. In his mind he thought if he could get the focus off of that, He could eventually replace the bad memories with good ones. He feels like I'm so focused on what he did that I can't see what we could have & he's right.
> 
> I've shut down & put him at arms length. I see now that I need help. I'm going to start looking into getting into IC meany of you tried to tell me that's what I needed, But I was so focused on trying to fix him that I couldn't see that I need help too. I think this is a big step forward. We talked for over an hour & I got to tell him how I felt about a lot of things. That really helped & it helped to know how he feels about it too. Thank you all for putting up with me..




Devastated I'm glad you now see more clearly what is going on, and that your husband is opening up his true feelings. My WW like your husband felt that she hung in the balance to my emotions. It is unintentional on the BS part but as a BS you question everything within yourself. I thought my reconciliation was wrong and had one foot out the door for divorce. It's a cycle your emotions go through. In the meantime your spouse will notice being put at arms length and begin to fear the BS is unable to go through reconciliation. 

IC will help steer through these feelings and emotions to what you want. In my case my IC has me being more vulnerable so my WS can earn trust. Your husband was vulnerable to you in that he told you his fears and that he thought he was loosing you. His being vulnerable is a huge step in your recovery process. You being vulnerable to your husband will show you how he takes care of your heart and allow him to earn trust with you. I have been struggling with this as I keep remembering the affair and how well my WW took care of my heart before. 

As for fixing your husband that really isn't possible, not by you at least. Your husband is broken, without a doubt, but only he can fix his issues and become a better person. You can't control him or fix him but you can give him a strong set of boundaries to follow. You can give him consequences to his actions when he crosses a boundary. But only he can fix himself, and this is something he will need help with from IC. 

I wish you well devastated, I hope you find peace and happiness in the near future. Stay strong!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 23yearsgone (Apr 27, 2016)

Everything I used to enjoy is just a trigger now .Everything I did as a hobby makes me think how it helped put distance in our relationship and led to her exposing her lack of integrity.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's sad how A's ruin all the good things in your life. Summer use to be my favorite time of year. Now it's nothing but flashbacks & hurt. I can't enjoy tv or my music that I use to Love. They even ruined fishing for me. They will never understand how meany aspects of your life they've destroyed.
> 
> Just curious, What are some of the things it ruined for you guys?


For me nothing is the same 5 years down the track. Just waiting for my boys to leave home in 2 years approx then I'm off. Not that my husband knows it. I'm just being the good dutiful wife. I just hope he feels 1% of the pain that he has caused me. As far as he is concerned all is well. 

I just don't want to upset my kids now or 5 years ago by leaving. I think it's the greatest asset to forgo my happiness for the sake of the kids in my opinion. It's a big ask I know. Many people would say it's not fair etc, should leave etc. I love my job so that keeps me going ... And my dogs


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I've set my next goal to be moving to the beach, permanently. I can work from anywhere in the world so this could very well be doable. 

I've just about blocked him from my heart and my head. He doesn't deserve the precious time my heart would spend thinking about him and what we had. Because he has been cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship and marriage, there isn't one thing..not one, that holds space in my heart or head. He just simply is not worth the energy.

The sooner I can get out of here, the better for me and my new life. I am feeling excited about it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's sad how A's ruin all the good things in your life. Summer use to be my favorite time of year. Now it's nothing but flashbacks & hurt. I can't enjoy tv or my music that I use to Love. They even ruined fishing for me. They will never understand how meany aspects of your life they've destroyed.
> 
> Just curious, What are some of the things it ruined for you guys?


*Affairs are nothing more than the unconsciable robbery of the mind, soul, and spirit!

It ruined my lifestyle, as well as my ability to trust! It completely jaded me and depleted most of my faith and energy!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Affairs are nothing more than the unconsciable robbery of the mind, soul, and spirit!
> 
> It ruined my lifestyle, as well as my ability to trust! It completely jaded me and depleted most of my faith and energy!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What really svcks is cheaters - most of them - walk away with barely a scratch....I love this quote from @bandit.45:

*"That is why R is so hard. The betrayed spouse gets to eat the sh!t sandwich for the rest of his life. He gets humiliation, hurt, devastation, emasculation, embarrassment, mind movies, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, paranoia. The wayward gets to have fun sex, freedom, fantasy and all the good stuff. He or she may have to endure a couple of years of guilt and public scrutiny, but if they have a forgiving spouse they essentially lose nothing in the deal except the BS's trust....which they never valued in the first place.

Any BS who chooses to R is a brave, sacrificing soul."*

That hits the bullseye IMO! Most of the damage and most of the work has to be done by the BS - who asked for none of this and quite often the cheater even a supposedly "remorseful" one doesn't suffer the same blows to their self-worth nor do they drag around the pain of the BS in the overwhelming majority of cases. They got the ego boost of the affair and the pleasure of the sex...it would seem only fair that they get the brunt of the fallout and they should..

@Devastated an lost I'm glad you are going to seek out IC - don't worry about your husband just worry about yourself right now - between his drug abuse and now his infidelity there is little to nothing you can do to fix his self-destructive behavior - just make your life with or without him as happy as possible...I'd also recommend you get a job and start getting some independence from him...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's sad how A's ruin all the good things in your life. Summer use to be my favorite time of year. Now it's nothing but flashbacks & hurt. I can't enjoy tv or my music that I use to Love. They even ruined fishing for me. They will never understand how meany aspects of your life they've destroyed.
> 
> Just curious, What are some of the things it ruined for you guys?


How long has it been, are you still with your WS? 

Some won't like this but I think a lot of this of this is made worse by staying with the WS. 

It is like a festering wound, it's much harder to heal when you are dealing with the infection. The infection is seeing them everyday, just there presence reminds you of what they did to you. You also have to suppress your logic and personal agency to stay with someone whom you know could do it to you again, and whom at one point was willing to sacrifice your happiness for there selfish desires. Logically your brain is telling you protect yourself, but your heart is telling you to stay. Obviously this is going to lead to sadness and depression. Plus you have to subjugate your self-worth to accept staying with WS. I get why people do it, but it is really not an emotionally healthy thing to do. Better to cut out the infection and clean the wound so you can heal most times.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Well said, but I think there are a lot of variables which different BS deal with which makes it sometimes tolerable and others not. Serial cheater is obvious get out, one time short lived thing maybe, as in my case with my WS....years long affair, I don't know

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Well said, but I think there are a lot of variables which different BS deal with which makes it sometimes tolerable and others not. Serial cheater is obvious get out, one time short lived thing maybe, as in my case with my WS....years long affair, I don't know
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


IMO a years long affair has to be one of the hardest to forgive..that is REPEATED betrayals and a real depraved conscience to live with lying and cheating for that long.just my opinion...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

1st d-day was after thanksgiving. I even remember what i said i was thankful for A FAITHFUL loving spouse and a beautiful family. Then i found out the truth-ish. Minimized TT version. Then RIGHT after christmas I found out a little more... again Minimized. Then ten days after new year... FINAL BLOW.... Holidays are absolutely ruined for me. I used to be a festive person, but this last holiday season, my d-day anniversaries, we did not have thanksgiving. family was confused, I was bahumbug christmas and new years too. 

I dont think i will HAPPILY celebrate the holidays again. trying just is more painful.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

sokillme said:


> How long has it been, are you still with your WS?
> 
> Some won't like this but I think a lot of this of this is made worse by staying with the WS.
> 
> It is like a festering wound, it's much harder to heal when you are dealing with the infection. The infection is seeing them everyday, just there presence reminds you of what they did to you. You also have to suppress your logic and personal agency to stay with someone whom you know could do it to you again, and whom at one point was willing to sacrifice your happiness for there selfish desires. Logically your brain is telling you protect yourself, but your heart is telling you to stay. Obviously this is going to lead to sadness and depression. Plus you have to subjugate your self-worth to accept staying with WS. I get why people do it, but it is really not an emotionally healthy thing to do. Better to cut out the infection and clean the wound so you can heal most times.



I posted this thread last year. I haven't been on here in a while. I'm doing a lot better, But It has changed me forever. Aug. 17th will be 2 years since D-day. I can only hope things will keep getting better. There's a lot of painful truth in what you say here. For me I've been with him for 35 years now. I don't know any other way of life. 

This has changed him too. He's learned how to be more open. Despite what's happened this has made us closer in a lot of ways. We've both come a long way. One of the hardest things to except was that it will never be the same as it was before. So you have to move forward & be happy with what you have now. Just because it's different, That don't mean it can't still be good. We're getting a little better every day.


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## Hurting71 (Dec 22, 2015)

Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about what my wife did. Music, movies, TV, things other people say, watching her with my 6year old son....EVERYTHING. Sometimes we can be talking and I'll be looking at her and I start to think "how c would she gave done that to me?". I found out this past December 15th. Just hoping it gets better. She is dojng everything right in our reconciliation but and I do still live her but man, it's really hard sometimes. Tears still roll and my heart still aches.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

For me the entire northern part of my country is a massive trigger, hearing about cities up there, the accent, meeting people from there...I've never been to that part of the country, so she is pretty much my only association. Also I feel suspicious and unsure about almost any 19/20 year old girls. I wonder if the trigger age will stay the same or grow for each year, who knows...

Also hearing or seeing anything from any of my husbands solo trips is a massive trigger, especially if it's from that trip. Him being on fb or his phone is also a big trigger.

I'm so glad his was only a two night stand, they never went out or did things together, so none of our stuff or places are ruined. I did do up our bedroom while he was on his trip where he cheated, and sometimes that makes me feel like ****. But I'm so happy with the result and don't want to change it again. However sometimes it's hard when I remember how much pain I've felt in this room. 

We plan to eventually take a trip up north together, reclaim it so to speak. The best way to take away her power and to forget her will be to make it so there's nothing left to associate her with...

This year summer has been a bit difficult but I really hope that won't last. When it comes to the holidays he was never that much in to it. And we've kind of agreed to step it up for the future. This years Easter was wonderful, the best one since I was a child, even more special because we had just gotten pregnant. Also we skipped Christmas, so that couldn't get ruined, next Christmas is going to be our first with our little baby. 

I strongly believe in abolishing the triggers one by one, and not let anything stay ruined. I just remember I found out that she was the one who recommended American horror story to my husband, but I didn't find out until after we'd seen all first 4 seasons. When we watched the first episode of season 5 we both agreed it was really bad, and didn't want to watch it because of the poor quality, lady gaga, the bad morals and the not present storyline, the trigger aspect fainted in comparison. So that can stay ruined, it doesn't bother me. I'm lucky that she has bad taste in everything, she pretended to have the same taste in music as us, but when he was with her I heard the kind of music me and my husband hates in the background. For ages he believed she had good taste, but eventually I convinced him that if she didn't even play what she pretended to like when he was there then it's obviously a lie...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> The upside of my STBXH's Narcissist Personality Disorder is that he never enjoyed doing any of the activities I enjoy most - going to concerts/to hear live music, going to touring Broadway shows, stand-up comedy, movies. I've been going to those alone or with girlfriends for years.
> 
> He also didn't enjoy the TV shows I enjoyed except "Dexter" and "Lost," but those are long over.
> 
> ...


I would counsel you against this idea.

Why? Because it is a high risk strategy.

Because there's a high risk that she might try to send him back to you!  
:rofl:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

God this thread is depressing. Reading this just reinforces my belief that you shouldn't stay.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

sokillme said:


> God this thread is depressing. Reading this just reinforces my belief that you shouldn't stay.




The raw truth is depressing.
However it doesn't account for the multitude of reasons why people stay. Each situation is different and each individual has different values and goals.

Me I stayed for a number of reasons.
I think what matters is that we can each accept our own choice. Triggers are always going to be there...learning coping mechanisms is key I think and also setting short term goals.
When things look bad looking too far ahead can seem ominous...short term goals are much easier to meet and achieve. 

Affairs are terrible..they destroy trust, self esteem and self worth. Picking yourself up from that should be commended and applauded. It takes a strong person to live through h$ll and then make it through to the other side...whether you choose to stay or go it doesn't make you any less of a strong fighter.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> When I got suspicious & checked his phone, The first message I saw was "I miss you baby" It literally made me sick!


Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. If it helps it doesn't bother me any more.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> whether you choose to stay or go it doesn't make you any less of a strong fighter.


and you be surprised how so many here in TAM firmly believe those that stay are nothing but weaklings


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Cowboy2 said:


> Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. If it helps it doesn't bother me any more.


It doesn't bother me as bad as it use to, But he sends me that same text every now & then from work. Every time I see it, It still takes me back to that day.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> and you be surprised how so many here in TAM firmly believe those that stay are nothing but weaklings




Which is ridiculous really.
It's one thing to have opinions but judging someone is completely different. My point is that to even survive the affair makes you stronger. I stayed...people can say what they want. It's the hardest thing I've done and am much more confident and stronger for it. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> and you be surprised how so many here in TAM firmly believe those that stay are nothing but weaklings


I believe it takes a very strong person to stay & fight. It has made me stronger, I know that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> The raw truth is depressing.
> However it doesn't account for the multitude of reasons why people stay. Each situation is different and each individual has different values and goals.
> 
> Me I stayed for a number of reasons.
> ...


My first love cheated on my, figured it out when she wouldn't accept my proposal. Ended up ghosting after about 3 months. It took about a year but now (15 years later) I never trigger, never. After a year triggers was very rare, and if I did it was just feeling sad. None of the sharp pain I had initially. Now I don't even hardly think about her, maybe once or twice a year. I think about my wife. I am sure if I stayed and had to look at her every day I would trigger all the time. As was happening in the first 3 months. 

Part of the reason why people trigger is because it is a mental mechanism that your brain uses to protect itself. It's the primal fight or flight. So if the person who did these terrible things to you is still in your life, of course it is only instinctual that your brain is warning you. Once you sufficiently separate and detach from this person the triggers will go away. At least the intensity. It may take some time but the trigger will go away. At least as you feel them now and the ability to control them will be much easier. 

There is no doubt staying with the person impends your recover.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> and you be surprised how so many here in TAM firmly believe those that stay are nothing but weaklings


I don't think they are weaklings. I would never say that. If that is the position I am conveying I apologize. I do think most people who stay are misguided, or a better way to put it is they are not doing their lives any favors. 

If you are going to stay it better be for the right reasons. Fear and sunk cost fallacy are terrible reasons. This is why I always try to encourage people to leave. There needs to be more of that. Way to often people immediately decide to reconcile. The first course of action should be detach. Once you remove the strong emotional bond then you can make a clearheaded logical decision. Most likely move on. 

I see cheating as extreme emotional abuse. It is the emotional equivalent to a physical beating. No one would advise someone to stay with a person who beats them. That would be immoral. It should be the same with emotional abuse. It does just as much damage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, I always feel the "So many on TAM" is a cop out. You'd be really surprised at how many want reconciliation to work. What many people forget is, when those in reconciliation come back and start complaining about the same troubles you have altered the narrative of your reconciliation. No, it isn't always venting. Then people say "it will take 2-5 years," "they are finally starting to change," "oh we had a setback," "I triggered" on and on and on there are going to be a few who believe 5 years or reconciliation is a sign of weakness.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I don't sway towards leaving or staying. I think it depends on the circumstances. Everybody's is different. For me, We've been together since we where 16 We've shared everything in our lives together. Good & bad. We both hurt over what happened & yes it's a crippling pain. But the pain of living without each other would be just as bad, Maybe worse. That's why I chose to stay, Because up until this happened, We had a great life & we still love each other. For some I know leaving is the best option. So there's not a simple stay or go answer. You have to do what's best for you.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> and you be surprised how so many here in TAM firmly believe those that stay are nothing but weaklings


I'm surprised that staying would be viewed as a sign of weakness, honestly. I keep telling my WH I don't think I'm strong enough to stay. I'm trying to work through this and deal with my emotions, but at least once a day I think how leaving this behind would be so much easier. How I could move on and not have to deal with all this. It's taking all my strength and then some to try and move forward.

Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I and my WexW are giving it another go. It's been 60 days since we started. I rarely ever have triggers... a few in early June caused by other people not understanding.
There is no yelling, insults or crying bouts. She knows I still think it about it daily, but it's rare and not really painful. I have a few things to work out with CC, which I have discussed with IC.

We have had a few bad days, which is several hours of NOT talking to each other, but those were not infidelity related. 

My hell started 8 months ago, its only 60 days of what appears to be true R. Throwing her out was a good thing and gave us space.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I hate how it has affected my trust in other people as well. I thought it was only going to be my trust in my husband that would be affected, but no! It has made me doubt everyone, even some of my closest family. 

I think my sister is behaving inappropriately around my husband, in an overly playful tone, but she reckons everything is OK because they're brother and sister(she calls everyone her siblings, while I think there is a distinction) he agrees it's inappropriate, and is trying to not participate. But still she is my sister, I shouldn't worry about her intentions around my husband. Although she did invite him on a camping trip once...

Also my dad has been taking a lot of weekend trips to himself lately, and my mind can't help but fear the worst. My parents are both friends with this woman who lives in another town a few hours away, and my dad has taken a few trips up there to help her with some stuff, sometimes with my sister, sometimes with me and my sister and I think a few times alone too... This woman is like family, my sister even lived with her for a while before she found an apartment in the area... But like family and actual family is not the same thing to me anymore, I see red flags everywhere...

I live in an area where people see it as wrong to have certain boundaries in a relationship, if you can only have same sex friendships you are in a controlling relationship, if you have transparency, your privacy is being invaded, or your friends privacy are being invaded... So in a way it ruined me fitting in to social norms in our area or community...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@Emmi

I know what you mean. It has affected the way I think about everything. I don't trust anybody completely anymore.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> . It has affected the way I think about everything. I don't trust anybody completely anymore.


Not a darn thing wrong with that!!!!


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Devastated an lost said:


> @Emmi
> 
> I know what you mean. It has affected the way I think about everything. I don't trust anybody completely anymore.


Me neither, but I think I've developed on unhealthy level of mistrust. Now I think everyone is lying to me, from the waitress in a restaurant, to the nightly news. It's almost borderline parinoia. I feel like if I could be deceived by the person I trusted most, then I could be deceived by anyone. So I have a hard time believing anything I hear.

Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


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