# Dealing w/ wife's male friends



## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Here is my story in a nut shell. Since returning from overseas with the military a few years ago, I have struggled w/ my wife having male friends. I wasn't aware of how prevalent it was until after my return.

During this time, I have resorted numerous times to "snooping"(i.e. checking cell phone, texts, FB, emails, the entire information spectrum) in order to find out the perceived truths. When confronting her, this as you can imagine only lead to bigger problems for both of us in trusting one another and always put our marriage in greater jeopardy.

Over the last two months this situation has reoccurred(initiated and revealed by my snooping again). We have both went to counseling together(only once) and I have continued individual counseling to deal with how this effects me versus the need to want to control her(which I don't want to do...too time consuming and mentally exhausting).

Regardless, communication has been more open but so has her need to interact w/ OM "friends"...Including a former fiancee...Yes, she has been more forthright in telling me when and where and if I am ok w/ it. I am trying to be accepting of her need to have her friends, but am struggling on how to establish a healthy boundary and when and where I get to interact w/ these OM "friends" too(on a limited basis), which has not occurred yet.

I don't think either of us our ready to give up on our marriage, but I am certainly trying to mitigate what I believe are real risks as well as those not yet revealed, or I haven't uncovered. Additionally, I am trying to reconcile my own feelings of insecurity and the needs of my spouse to commit to helping someone else w/ their problems when she could be focusing more on hers, ours, and those of the marriage.

Any suggestions, recommendations, and feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

Thanks!!!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Having opposite sex friends that are not friends of both of you is inappropriate.
I have a wonderful female friend that is also my wife's friend, but I do not see her without my wife and/or her husband present. I have spoken to her on the phone, but they were very brief and involved a subject that we all were a part of, like a lunch date or something similar.
What your wife is doing is inappropriate.


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

I appreciate the comments! I have thought this too, and other friends have advised me that it is kind of wierd to say the least. Her explanation is that she has always had better friendships w/ males because there isn't all the drama like there is w/ females. Not to say she doesn't have any female friends. This OM is someone who she was HS friends w/ and via the wonder of FB have reestablished a friendship. The fact that she hangs out at his house which is only a few miles from ours is concerning... Even though I have asked and she has reassured me that nothing extra marital is occurring, do you think I am being naive? I have already asked her about this and given the fact that I am a male, too I obviously understand how he thinks especially since he is at the start of a divorce and I believe is creating a strong emotional attachment to my wife. I did I fail to mention a former fiancee that she also socializes alone with. Am I being totally stupid in an effort to understand her needs and being overly accomodating when I should be demanding that these friendships end?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> I appreciate the comments! I have thought this too, and other friends have advised me that it is kind of wierd to say the least. Her explanation is that she has always had better friendships w/ males because there isn't all the drama like there is w/ females. Not to say she doesn't have any female friends. This OM is someone who she was HS friends w/ and via the wonder of FB have reestablished a friendship. The fact that she hangs out at his house which is only a few miles from ours is concerning... Even though I have asked and she has reassured me that nothing extra marital is occurring, do you think I am being naive? I have already asked her about this and given the fact that I am a male, too I obviously understand how he thinks especially since he is at the start of a divorce and I believe is creating a strong emotional attachment to my wife. I did I fail to mention a former fiancee that she also socializes alone with. Am I being totally stupid in an effort to understand her needs???


You need to put a stop to this.
NOW.

Set boundaries with your wife and stick to them. If this is making you uncomfortable( and it should), then you ned to trust your gut and man up.
Your wife may not be screwing him...yet.
You and I both know what he is after and it's not casual conversation.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You're not being stupid...everyone wants to be one of those 'cool' people that isn't bothered in the least when their husband or wife hangs around with members of the opposite sex. The point is, most of us aren't capable of being that cool person! I sometimes wonder if that cool person even exists - oh, there are plenty who say they don't care, even people on TAM. So then why are they here? 

I agree with the above replies. You know what this guy wants, so put an end to it now.


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks! Like I said in one of my previous posts, she apparently is assisting him w/ some legal/ financial issues for his pending divorce... Other than that she states they are just friends and don't engage in that conversation, thus my naivte in wanting to believe what my spouse is telling me?????


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Thanks! Like I said in one of my previous posts, she apparently is assisting him w/ some legal/ financial issues for *his pending divorce*... Other than that she states they are just friends and don't engage in that conversation, thus my naivte in wanting to believe what my spouse is telling me?????


Pending divorce. I heard this can be a lonely time.

But enough of that. . . the old marriage rule, if one person is not good with it, the other should let it go. Real simple. If he's more important to her then her marriage, therein lies the problem.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Ive met many male friends of my now ex-wife's some of whom had dated her in the past, but they acted respectful of the situation between us, and made an effort to get to know me, and who I was. Not that it was conclusive by any means, but that effort was at least a starting point of knowing them.
Its the "guy friends" you know nothing about, and make no effort to know you at all, that you need to worry about. 
Thats how I ended up divorced.
Expect to hear "you have no right to tell me who my friends can be"
Expect to hear " you are too controlling" and be threatened with divorce.
Otherwise, you could get a few female friends and see how she digs that.

Of course, my ex wifes affair started with her "helping him through" some b.s. line of crapola. This guy doesnt need your wifes help, NO man needs a womans help for things like that, hes after her panties.


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks! Your insight is helpful and very much welcomed. I am arriving to a point and conclusion that I accept the need she has to have male friends, but am becoming less ok w/ it, if that makes any sense. I also, get a sense that she only is telling me what she wants me to know for obvious reasons and that there is an emotional attraction developed already or developing and whether or not that evolves into a full EA and PA I guess remains to be seen. Should I cut and run?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Thanks! Like I said in one of my previous posts, she apparently is assisting him w/ some legal/ financial issues for his pending divorce... Other than that she states they are just friends and don't engage in that conversation, thus my naivte in wanting to believe what my spouse is telling me?????


I was just freinds during my EA. I did nto realize I was wrong until I was almost through withdrawal.

You wife is being unfaithful to you. I am not saying she has had intercoruse with anyone yet. But it is way past inappropriate and well into unfaithful. She is totally being disrespectfull in putting all of these OM ahead of you.

Effectively you are married and she is dating.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> I appreciate the comments! I have thought this too, and other friends have advised me that it is kind of wierd to say the least. Her explanation is that she has always had better friendships w/ males because there isn't all the drama like there is w/ females. Not to say she doesn't have any female friends. This OM is someone who she was HS friends w/ and via the wonder of FB have reestablished a friendship. *The fact that she hangs out at his house* which is only a few miles from ours is concerning... Even though I have asked and she has reassured me that nothing extra marital is occurring, do you think I am being naive? I have already asked her about this and given the fact that I am a male, too I obviously understand how he thinks especially since he is at the start of a divorce and I believe is creating a strong emotional attachment to my wife. *I did I fail to mention a former fiancee that she also socializes alone with*. Am I being totally stupid in an effort to understand her needs and being overly accomodating when I should be demanding that these friendships end?


Forget what I said about inappropriate and unfaithful. This is cheating. A married woman does not go over a guys house and hang out. 

Moreover a guy does not have another man's wife over his house to hang out without establishing the basis for a sexual relationship. Most men would only be doing this if they were having sex of some kind. 

Your wife is not dating, you are living in an open relationship.

Her ex fiancee. Yes they are having sex.

Instigate ( having close opposite sex friends )
Isolate ( you have been isolated time and time again )
Escalate ( umm visiting a man's home without her husband )

If you don't have kids I would move on.


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Her explanation is that she has always had better friendships w/ males because there isn't all the drama like there is w/ females. ?


Yikes! My wife fed me the same exact line!! And you know what? It's all a bunch of crap! She eventually cheated on me. Don't fall for the lies. Listen to the others here; there should be NO alone time with opposite genders when you are married.

I'm sorry to say that my situation played out that we are now in separate apartments and I'm filing for divorce in November.

You are no longer in a healthy relationship. I'm sorry man. Get out while you can.


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Entropy and Struggle,

Thanks for your comments! Do you think I should attempt additional couples counseling?...We are actually communicating well, and getting along, or do you think this is just her way of showing that she is getting her cake and eating it too? So, why wouldn't she be content w/ herself and the situation...

I know what you both mean about what men look for and want in women, especially one projecting themself in an inappropriate way...And, taking into consideration that they could have the cow w/out buying the milk!

This sucks!!!! But thanks for the honesty and support!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Entropy and Struggle,
> 
> Thanks for your comments! Do you think I should attempt additional couples counseling?...We are actually communicating well, and getting along, or do you think this is just her way of showing that she is getting her cake and eating it too? So, why wouldn't she be content w/ herself and the situation...
> 
> ...


You have to be able to stand up for yourself. There is no other person who will get this straight for you.

Folks here would usually say it is time to man-up.

Basically, you tell her that this is unacceptable to you in your marriage. You cannot control her but you can control what you do. She has to go NC ( no contact ) with those guys right now. No emails, no texts, not dating, no going over to their homes, no meeting them anywhere. Other can help with an NC letter of needed. There is no weening off of this either.

So you start working on yourself and make plans to move on without her. You have to be willing to let people go to be able to keep them.

Will she do this. I doubt it. You have let this go on for years. She is only married when she is in the mood to be. But you have to start somewhere. If you do not stand strong she will just call you, controlling, insecure and jealous. Make a bunch of excuses.

So really she just hangs out with thses guys at their homes? Holy [email protected]


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned that you have been investigating through "entire information spectrum", have you tried a VAR (voice activited recorder)?
Plant it in her car and in the house were she takes her calls.

How often does she stay out all night?
This may be a good time to have her followed, a PI (expencive) might come in handy.

All of this investigation will come in handy when you confront her and show her what she is really up to no matter how many time she uses the "just friend" word.


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Entropy,

Once again you make valid comments that make sense. I have been preparing myself for the final or next showdown, so I feel like I can be strong, but the heart wants what the heart wants, you know what I mean?

Yes, I have let this go on too long and I am ready to look for the next chapter of life...Just always assumed she would be apart of it... Thankfully, we don't have children together, so if we can't make it work we only have to work out assets and our home!

Guy,

I appreciate the suggestions about monitoring options, but I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to do. Also, my state is a no-fault state for divorce, so it wouldn't matter if I caught her right in the act, it wouldn't make a difference in court.

Thanks again for you feedback...Hopefully, my response makes sense...I just need to reconclile in my head how to work this out honeslty, directly, and amicably w/ her without sacrificing anymore of my dignity and self-respect!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Entropy,
> 
> Once again you make valid comments that make sense. I have been preparing myself for the final or next showdown, so I feel like I can be strong, *but the heart wants what the heart wants, you know what I mean?*
> 
> ...


Actually yes AND no. Are you talking about your heart or hers? Makes a difference.

If we are talking about your heart then we have to tell you that if you follow your heart you are on a course to lose her forever after you are torn apart over some period of time. 

You have to be willing to lose someone to be able to keep them. This is not inutuitive. You either are strong enough to act and make this right or not. I am saying do not blame inaction on your heart felt feelings for your wife. Do blame your heart if it is not strong enough to do what a man needs to do to keep his wife. There is nothing good for the heart in being disresepcted or ultimatley cuckolded. Soem folks call it manning up.

If you are talking about her heart realize that EAs / PAs have everything to do with meeting needs that generate dopamine and oxytocin in the brian. It is a brain thing.

If you are not strong enough to fight for your wife you will lose her. It is natural selection. The weeding out of the weak from the men who take what they want. Right now you are not your wife's #1 priority. Mainly because you do not demand it. A husbnad who is not strong enough to demand that they be the #1 man will fast lose his wife. That is not attractive. It is perceived as weakness and not a quailty of fitness. Remember woman seek out the fitest male.

I am not saying give up on her. I am saying you fight for her by taking action. I think you get that.

I would not need the monitoring either. But many if not most do.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Yes, I have let this go on too long and I am ready to look for the next chapter of life...Just always assumed she would be apart of it... *Thankfully, we don't have children together, so if we can't make it work we only have to work out assets and our home!*


Allow me to point this out...

If your wife gets pregnant now, you would not know who the father of the child is right now. 

So, what to do about that possibility?


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## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Aug...Thanks for the comments, thankfully that isn't possible for either of us... The fix has occurred, so if it happens it would be divine intervention!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*Wise up and man up!*

Women have always been catty and backstabbing to me as well. Since I am married, I do not seek out male friends like I did when I was single. I no longer speak to two of my exes, despite the fact that I was dear friends with them for years after the breakups. All three of us are in other relationships and I am the one with the spouse, so we lovingly said our goodbyes when I moved in with my then fiance. 

I still have contact with a friend who is like a father to me; less than 3 times a year. I always invite my husband along with us, but he says that he trusts me. I even call my husband when I see my "dad" and they speak. :smthumbup:Nothing to hide here!

So now I have two close girlfriends and one acquaintance. They have shown themselves to be loyal and caring, so they are my girls. Good female friends can be found, they are just few and far between. Your wife can find female friends if she really wanted to. She is just using that old line as an excuse to date as a married woman. Her ex fiance is making a play for her and you can choose to wise up, man up and put a stop to all of this.


You teach people how to treat you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Wise up and man up!*



FirstYearDown said:


> Women have always been catty and backstabbing to me as well. Since I am married, I do not seek out male friends like I did when I was single. I no longer speak to two of my exes, despite the fact that I was dear friends with them for years after the breakups. All three of us are in other relationships and I am the one with the spouse, so we lovingly said our goodbyes when I moved in with my then fiance.
> 
> I still have contact with a friend who is like a father to me; less than 3 times a year. I always invite my husband along with us, but he says that he trusts me. I even call my husband when I see my "dad" and they speak. :smthumbup:Nothing to hide here!
> 
> ...


Nice post. Priorities and boundaries. Life is full of choices. If your marriage is #1 then you can make the choices to support that. It takes a little work. Anyone not willing to try shows what their priorities really are.


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## 2cute4u (Jan 22, 2012)

I am married woman. I have few male friends, meet a lot of new people and share contact information with some of them. Thats called "networking." Yes, sometimes, women use their sex appeal to their advantage. Is that news? 
Not once had i cheated on my husband. Did opportunity presented itself? Of course, it did! and a plenty of times! And yes, sometimes it was very tempting. But no, regardless of all the problems we are having with our marriage, not once did i cross the line. A lot of men really dont care if you are married or not, that is true. But there are those who do respect the boundaries, and moreover, there IS a friendship between male and female - meaning, neither have any sexual attraction towards each other, yet have great time and talk about everything and anything... I can see my husband might not approve of that, suspect something and so on. But! What exactly is holding you in that marriage (if there are no kids at the least)? Go your way and be happy with someone else. And no, i dont think it is necessary to introduce your friends to your spouse. If he is my friend, we talk about our relationships among other things as well. May be getting to know my husband would help him to base his "comments", "input" on "two sides of the story". BUT - is that what i need? I support my friends regardless of whether i understand their spouses' positions. I dont care if it is HER who started some drama and HE is perfect - she s my friend! So, why does it matter that it is a MALE friend? 
The problem is not in facebook, chatting, texting, other people - the problem is within! and until THAT is understood - dealing with "friends", "snooping" and so forth, will only make things worth, because not only the main problems are not being addressed - you add more to it! I talk to my friends to let things out, i spend time with them to get away from problems, to hear different perspectives! If i want to hear my husband's - he has plenty of time to talk about that rather than "snooping." 
It is very well stated - "dealing with insecurities". Yes, there is nothing shameful in admitting that! Most men are in denial about having any! 
No one can say if the person is cheating, but that person. There comes a time, when ultimatum like - "me or your friend" will end up in "ok, divorce it is". And the sad thing - not because anyone cheated, but because it is only so much of mental (and sometimes physical) abuse one is willing to take. If you dont know how to keep your spouse happy and satisfied, listen and address her needs, communicate yours to her - it is not going to work regardless of how many friends she has or doesnt have. 

And if any of you wonder how would i feel if he had a female friend - JUST FINE! The moment he would want to cheat or leave - he will do so regardless! 
"If you love something - let it go. If its yours - it will come back. If it doesnt - it was never meant for you in a first place"


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