# Just one...



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

In April my husband got black out drunk and woke up next to another woman at his hotel ( he stayed there for work away from home ). Since then I found out his drinking had been out of control for a long time and he had a bad porn addiction as well.
Cheating is not something he would have ever done sober. I know that doesn't excuse it, but moving on. We're working things out and things have been great. He's finally becoming the man I wanted to be married too, he hasn't had a drink since that night, and quit watching porn ( our sex life got a LOT better after he "rebooted" from that BS). We've been to counseling but aren't going currently because we literally can't schedule it due to his work and my classes.

What's been bothering me is lately he's been saying things like, well maybe sometime you'll let me have a beer, just one you know. Or something like I'd love to go for the weekend here and we could go out to eat and maybe you'd even let me have a beer... 

I'm sick of it, him saying it makes me feel like he's put a huge guilt trip on ME. For years I've been lied to, blamed for things like "ruining" his life, and then the drunken ONS that he doesn't even remember what all happened. I'm not going to take the "blame" for him not being able to drink. I told him in April no alcohol, no porn, no gawking at other women or I'm gone.  Do I just need to give a reminder? He says he's never been this happy and he can't believe he never saw before how great I was and how hard I work to make things work at home and he loves being around me and all of this. He transferred and loves his new job where he's home every night. I don't drink so I can't even understand it so I'm hoping someone can help shed some light on things for me.

There is a part of me I will never ever get back that is gone and ripped from my soul, and I refuse to be put that in that kind of position again. I'm just looking for some insight and maybe some support I guess. Thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is he in ANY kind of addictions counseling, AA, SAA, anything?? If not he'd better get into something, pronto. That should be one of your stipulations for staying together.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

He did go to AA several times but had conflicts with the group because they are very religion oriented and we are not christians, that paired with the nearest group being about 30 minutes away from us made AA difficult. We could not find any other groups in our area. 

We had one bad counselor, then got a good one, but now his work schedule makes it very difficult for him to go into see him either.

He doesn't seem to understand that him saying that to me is about the equivalent of saying do you mind if I cheat on you every once in a while... wrong or right that's how it feels to me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I said, him seeing someone or being in some kind of group should be a stipulation of you staying with him.

Next time he pleads for a beer, tell him sure, he can have one, he can enjoy it while you pack his bags for him.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Like I said, him seeing someone or being in some kind of group should be a stipulation of you staying with him.
> 
> Next time he pleads for a beer, tell him sure, he can have one, he can enjoy it while you pack his bags for him.


 I like this....direct and to the point setting boundries.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emotionallynumb (Sep 30, 2012)

I agree. My husband also has a drinking problem, people tell me to just dump it all down the drain, that it should be no alcohol. I cant do that Im not going to be the reason he cant never have a nother drink. I would like to be the reason he would like to try and not drink all the time but thats not happening. Plus I cant tell him to do something im not going to, hes not my kid, hes an adult and should take responsibilty and grow up.


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## rjp1969 (Oct 18, 2012)

Hate to say this, but with ANY kind of addict, be it alcohol, smoking, drugs, whatever. 

One is never enough. Just one puff of a cigarette, just one swig of beer, just one drag on a spliff. 
All will lead to more.

It takes a lot more strength to say 'no - forever' than it does to break.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

It's not reasonable for him to try to make you responsible for his drinking or not drinking, as if you are his parent. I agree with other posts that you should stick to your boundaries, which should be yours, and nobody elses. You are only responsible for taking care of yourself. My suggestion for you, to help you find support for yourself, is to look at codependent literature and maybe go to al-anon meetings. 

A possible solution to finding more AA meetings is to try online: Welcome To Alcoholics Anonymous.

Peace...


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