# I don't like you but I will still have sex with you?



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

My sister and I have always been pretty close, so sometimes she will come to me with questions or concerns looking for another mans point of view on things. 

She is married and she came to me with this question the other day. I gave her my opinion, which of course doesn't mean its right or wrong really, but just my 2 cents on what it may or may not be. 

Her husband has always been one of these people who actually acts like he doesn't like his wife very much. He says things that are blaming, he always finds fault with her etc etc. However the thing she doesn't understand is, why is it, that you can have someone who acts like they don't care much for you, finds faults with just about everything you do, and makes you kinda feel unwanted/loved, but yet this person who acts like they don't really like you, still wants to have sex with you? 

She said over the years she has been bothered by this. The way he treats her of course but mostly, if you don't like someone and they seem to be such a problem for you, then how is it you still want to sleep with them? 

The only thing I could think of was, maybe he is one of these people who can separate his great dislike for someone long enough to have sex. There are people like this, who can let go of their anger long enough to have sex with their partner yet go right back to being mad afterwards. I myself have never understood this logic. Over the years she has stopped having sex with him as much, because she feels unloved with the way he treats her. She has tried to explain to him how he makes her feel and it makes her desire for him disappear. He doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he does but just doesn't care. 

So, what are your thoughts around this?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you don't like me then I'm sure as hell not having sex with you.

However yes many people are able to compartmentalize their lives to get their needs met.

Users do this all the time.

I feel sorry for your sister for putting up with that crap.

I'd tell her to cut him off until he goes to counseling or treats her better.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> If you don't like me then I'm sure as hell not having sex with you.
> 
> However yes many people are able to compartmentalize their lives to get their needs met.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mavash. I don't get why she stays either. I think in her mind she thinks he will magically one day wake up and see the light. 

I keep hoping SHE will some day open her eyes and magically see the light! 

Even though she has told him how she feels and she has backed off on the sex, he still acts like he doesn't get what shes saying. IMO, I think he does, I think he is just self absorbed. Perhaps its a narcissistic trait.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

My thoughts are..why is she still with the guy if he doesn't like her?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jamison said:


> She said over the years she has been bothered by this. The way he treats her of course but mostly, if you don't like someone and they seem to be such a problem for you, then how is it you still want to sleep with them?
> 
> The only thing I could think of was, maybe he is one of these people who can separate his great dislike for someone long enough to have sex. There are people like this, who can let go of their anger long enough to have sex with their partner yet go right back to being mad afterwards. I myself have never understood this logic. Over the years she has stopped having sex with him as much, because she feels unloved with the way he treats her. She has tried to explain to him how he makes her feel and it makes her desire for him disappear. He doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he does but just doesn't care.
> 
> So, what are your thoughts around this?


Looks like both you and I have the same point of view on this.

I've read it here on TAM quite a few times and I have heard people talk about it quite a few times.
Some people seem to have the unique ability to detach themselves from their emotional problems, have sex and then press the 
" back to former page " button.
What they say is that sex is a physical need for them , so that they can separate it.
Or sometimes they may genuinely feel that sex would help heal / fix the problem.

Doesn't work that way for me however.
If we have pressing emotional problems , then sex can wait.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> My thoughts are..why is she still with the guy if he doesn't liker her?


I agree, and I also think...if HE doesn't like her, why is HE still with her? 

You would think the one who has the problem with the other person and finds fault with them, they would be the one to pull that (thorn) from their side, and move on.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I agree, and I also think...if HE doesn't like her, why is HE still with her?
> 
> You would think the one who has the problem with the other person and finds fault with them, they would be the one to pull that (thorn) from their side, and move on.


Nope that requires an effort. Read tam people stay in crappy relationships all the time some for years. Fear stops them. Afraid they won't find someone else, kids, financial, there are lots of reasons for someone to stay when they don't like their spouse. There is a motivation you just have to look for it.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Does he ever find anything he likes about her at all, or does he just act like it long enough to have sex?


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Does he ever find anything he likes about her at all, or does he just act like it long enough to have sex?


There are times when he finds good things, but then turns right around and knocks the good things in the head with negativity. He is also one of these people who, others see him as one way on the outside. Charming, will bend over backwards to help others, acts like he likes/loves his wife in public but then get behind closed doors, and he can be another person. Its almost like a personality issue.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> There are times when he finds good things, but then turns right around and knocks the good things in the head with negativity. He is also one of these people who, others see him as one way on the outside. Charming, will bend over backwards to help others, acts like he likes/loves his wife in public but then get behind closed doors, and he can be another person. Its almost like a personality issue.


My dad was like this. He's a narcissist. Everyone thought he was the greatest guy ever but behind closed doors he was quite mean.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Despite popular belief, as amazing and wonderful as women are, they can be incredible pains in the butt to live with. A man must learn how to have sex with an annoying woman if he wishes to have intimate heterosexual relations.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My dad was like this. He's a narcissist. Everyone thought he was the greatest guy ever but behind closed doors he was quite mean.


And this is how my sister described him as well, everyone thinks he is just great, when in reality, he really wasn't. 

The bad thing is, they have a son who is 15 years old, and she said she sees him already becoming a lot like his dad. She said herself she has done many things to get him to see that acting that way is not a good thing. A mother can only do but so much. IMO, he needs a good strong positive male role model. I do things with him from time to time myself. She has even mentioned maybe getting him into some counseling now to see if a professional could help some.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jamison said:


> He doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he does but just doesn't care.


Standard manipulative put-down artist. Nobody knows better than him exactly what he's doing. Personal interaction is all about keeping others in a one-down position.

It isn't limited to men. Check *aribabe* out above for example. It is obviously very important to express her contempt for men, as if she were something better, looking down upon them. If her comment gets an emotional reaction out of you, it is a victory. 

Making the wife feel bad is exercising power over her. Never underestimate how much glee there is in this sick personality type in making you sad, angry, hurt, confused, etc. Normal people do not think this way so it is nearly impossible to get them to see through the act of playing dumb:

"Oh, incessantly calling you stupid, incompetent, ugly, fat, slow, immature, weird, or insecure makes you feel bad? Really?" 

This personality type can also be glib and charming. That's exercising control over others too. The apex of puppet mastery for such a person is to appear wonderful to people outside the relationship while driving their spouse into despair. Because then outsiders blame the wife. He brings their scorn upon her and the fundamental injustice of that is all the more fulfilling to them.

Don't confuse their need for exercising power with whether or not they "like" you. It is not a normal psychology so it isn't something you can even inderstand. Of course they will still have sex with you while calling you names to hurt you.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Thanks Wiserforit great points! The more I think about it, the more I truly believe, he wont ever leave her even though he seems to have a problem with her, because if he leaves, then who will he have to blame? Where will all his control go? Little by little I think she is starting to see, the ball is really in her court to make a decision to stay or leave. After all, its him who is getting something out of staying.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> And this is how my sister described him as well, everyone thinks he is just great, when in reality, he really wasn't.
> 
> The bad thing is, they have a son who is 15 years old, and she said she sees him already becoming a lot like his dad. She said herself she has done many things to get him to see that acting that way is not a good thing. A mother can only do but so much. IMO, he needs a good strong positive male role model. I do things with him from time to time myself. She has even mentioned maybe getting him into some counseling now to see if a professional could help some.


I turned into my dad. 

Almost destroyed my marriage.

Almost lost me jobs, friends, etc.

It took a lot of counseling to help me and it doesn't come naturally I have to work at it.

It's likely too late for your nephew to change his inner personality (like father like son) but it is possible if he's willing to learn new skills.

And you can't fix this even if you hung out with him daily.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Thanks Wiserforit great points! The more I think about it, the more I truly believe, he wont ever leave her even though he seems to have a problem with her, because if he leaves, then who will he have to blame? Where will all his control go? Little by little I think she is starting to see, the ball is really in her court to make a decision to stay or leave. After all, its him who is getting something out of staying.


My dad despised my mother and yet they had frequent sex. They were married for 49 years before he died. He was nothing but a big bully and he wasn't going anywhere. She allowed him to walk all over her.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My dad despised my mother and yet they had frequent sex. They were married for 49 years before he died. He was nothing but a big bully and he wasn't going anywhere. She allowed him to walk all over her.


I'm sorry that happened. I wonder if men who act like this have some kind of underlying hatred for women? :scratchhead: And yes the same can be said for women who don't care for men. But anyway.....


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Thanks Wiserforit great points! The more I think about it, the more I truly believe, he wont ever leave her even though he seems to have a problem with her, because if he leaves, then who will he have to blame? Where will all his control go? Little by little I think she is starting to see, the ball is really in her court to make a decision to stay or leave. After all, its him who is getting something out of staying.


One of the most exasperating things about this personality type is how cunning they are. When they perceive they are about to lose someone, they can do just enough to convince the target to stay with them. I've been with the worst of them, and have a great deal of empathy for your sister.

*Mavash*, you, and me all saw the intergenerational cycle created by this sickness. I broke free of it through intensive study. She might try reading "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Dr. George Simon. 



The sad irony with the son adopting the father's malicious personality type is that sure, they win these "victories" over people with put-downs in the short run, but in the long run people shun them. They lose jobs, friends, spouses, and in the end what kind of victory is that? The only people who tolerate them are ones that have some kind of defect that allows the abuse to continue.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jamison said:


> I wonder if men who act like this have some kind of underlying hatred for women? :scratchhead:


Jack the ripper had a hatred for women, especially his mother, thats where it all started from. 

Not saying ALL men who hate women will hack them up, just saying, it does sound like your sisters husband doesn't care for women to much.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I'm sorry that happened. I wonder if men who act like this have some kind of underlying hatred for women? :scratchhead: And yes the same can be said for women who don't care for men. But anyway.....


My dad became his father plain and simple.

My grandfather was MEANER than a snake.

I've seen pictures of him when he was younger and I swear he looks like some evil outlaw.

You know the kind that would shoot you if you looked at him wrong.

I was scared of him.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> The sad irony with the son adopting the father's malicious personality type is that sure, they win these "victories" over people with put-downs in the short run, but in the long run people shun them. They lose jobs, friends, spouses, and in the end what kind of victory is that? The only people who tolerate them are ones that have some kind of defect that allows the abuse to continue.


Yes to all of this and you are right my dad died alone. Everyone celebrated that he was finally gone.

I didn't attend the funeral.

He was an ass.

Good riddance.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

So apparently he has some paranoia as well. I spoke with my sister earlier, who had been watching that Jodi Arias trial, the woman who killed her b/f a few years ago and it just went to trial not long ago. She said her husband made the comment to her, it might not be a good idea that she watch stuff like that, it can give women ideas.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison said:


> So apparently he has some paranoia as well. I spoke with my sister earlier, who had been watching that Jodi Arias trial, the woman who killed her b/f a few years ago and it just went to trial not long ago. She said her husband made the comment to her, it might not be a good idea that she watch stuff like that, it can give women ideas.


Yeah he has some issues!

He thinks shes getting ideas to do away with him, but I bet he would still have sex with her. :lol:


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

The narcissist label is dead on accurate.

This guy sounds like a real ass. That comment was just another way that he is using to control her.

For her sake I hope she up and leaves him. I know you are concerned Jamison. You seem like a good fellow. But I hope you can also separate yourself from all of this. She is a grown woman and needs to take responsibility for herself. SHe might never leave his ass and you have to be willing to accept that. I wish you the best.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> So apparently he has some paranoia as well. I spoke with my sister earlier, who had been watching that Jodi Arias trial, the woman who killed her b/f a few years ago and it just went to trial not long ago. She said her husband made the comment to her, it might not be a good idea that she watch stuff like that, it can give women ideas.


My narcissist dad was VERY paranoid. Was into conspiracy theories and thought everyone was out to get him.

His plan was to get them before they got him.


----------

