# New Relationships, do you see the signs everywhere?



## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will he do the same thing to me as my POSX did. 
By sitting here thinking this, am I setting my self up to fail? 

I truly want to be happy, I want to find a LTR and have babies but I feel like I am waiting for him to cheat cos that is what men do.


I am not saying ALL men cheat. 
I am saying I fear it will happen to me again.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have been married 31 years. I have never cheated, nor have I ever wanted to.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

Thound said:


> I have been married 31 years. I have never cheated, nor have I ever wanted to.


Sorry, That is what men have done to me


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I can see and understand how you view this. I agree with the other poster, I have been married 14 years and have never cheated. My W on the other hand has. I like you wonder, if/ when I were to D will I always be so jaded and untrusting as I am now? I find myself watching "happy" couples and wondering which of them is the wayward and hate myself for having this view on life. It also seems that since finding this out everyone I seem to know has a WW and according to the posts around here it generally seems to occur around the 7-12 year marks that people stray. 

I hope that you can get over this feeling. I would suggest maybe joining a support group or getting some counseling to help with this issue. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I have never cheated
I have never even lip kissed a woman since before we agreed to exclusivity.
Life is about chances. 
It hurts so bad because when we love it feels so good.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Married 30 years and never cheated. My wife on the other hand has. I know how you feel about waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still get those feelings about whether she is still cheating and I am hoping that it passes. Have those feeling today, yet I know where she is.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Lets hear it for the faithful men out there!

I am female married a decade have never cheated 
No EA no PA had chances but that told me what kind 
of man I was dealing with, slapped them down and took pride 
In defending my stbx's honor when he was not there to do it
himself.

He never cared or appreciated that about me.

For me I think I know problems in my self that attracted and keept me with stbx WH
are something that I need to fix in myself so it does not happen again.

I certainty understand the anxiety.

Look up Freud's "Repetition Compulsion"
Or Cognitive " Maladaptive schema"

We are not at fault for what others do and we can not predict or control them.
But we can do our darn best, not staying for the wrong reason or attracting them 
because of something on our end. 

To me these kinds of things help take some if the mystery out and put the ball back in your court. 

Book I like is called "Enough dam it" by Karen Salmansohn fun book it's all about fearing the same thing happing again in your life
and why it happens.
Other is more indepth called "emotional alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman available on audio book for iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Previously married 23 years, never cheated.

Re-married in October 2012, never cheated.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

With my wife 20 years never cheated. She however...

So the real question is. Are you repeating a pattern? What percent of past relationships ended with cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Unaware said:


> I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will he do the same thing to me as my POSX did.
> By sitting here thinking this, am I setting my self up to fail?
> 
> I truly want to be happy, I want to find a LTR and have babies but I feel like I am waiting for him to cheat cos that is what men do.


I was married for 12 years, never cheated. My stbxw did, however. Not all men are cheaters.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I suppose it depends on the reason why they cheated? Was it their character? Something wrong in your relationship? What situations were you in before that allowed/lead to the cheating?

I ask because it is not so much about sitting there waiting for it to happen, more about building a relationship where boundaries are set and reinforced, and about making sure you are both happy in the relationship, the one thing I have learned is that it is always a lack of communication that leads to problems, problems then lead to bigger issues and cheating is one of those bigger issues!!!

In just being open and honest in the boundaries and making sure that you have an amicable partnership is best base option and build it from there, not all men cheat or even want to cheat, but for some they have reason and motive in their heads, just about making sure you are suitably matched.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Wow - all these faithful dudes here whose wives cheated on them. Look at us.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

22 years here. Never cheated. 

I guess the bottom line is you will never be 100% sure. But you either try to love again or live alone. 

You are leg up in the game now that you know what to look for. Don't ignore any red flags. Discuss everything openly and honestly. If the person you are dating doesn't reciprocate, shuts down, shuts you down or calls you nuts. Then bail. Don't think the 1st guy you date is going to be 'the guy'.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Healer said:


> Wow - all these faithful dudes here whose wives cheated on them. Look at us.


Yup. The sad part is most people wonder what we did to "make" our wives cheat. It also can cause the next relationships a little stress due to our fears.

The good part is that it is a plus in the dating world, if you are looking to re-marry.

It probably is the same for women???? Not sure how it is for BW. 

Do you (OP) feel they are judged harshly for not keeping their WH faithful? Are you thinking that your fear of finding a faithful man is holding you back?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

It's simple. When you have a vag it's easier to pick up guys...you can be a "3" and still find someone to hook up with from the pub every night practically. For a guy to have the same success he's gotta be an "8" or better and will need to play his A game.
I feel for you OP, it sucks to be in that position. Sometimes I compare it to having pets, you get attached to a dog or cat and then a few years down the road they pass away and you have to deal with the pain of their loss. Then the decision to get another one, or just settle for a fish tank and when one dies.....meh.
Risk vs. reward is the game.
Honestly if I end up in CWI I'll be thinking long and hard before entering another relationship and I doubt I will marry again.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Hmmm. Before I met my husband, my serious boyfriend of two years cheated on me. I found out when he left his laptop open with a Facebook chat up. I saw he was chatting with a female "friend" I had recently been introduced to, and she asked him, "Are you going to tell her that I might be pregnant?" 

I am a naturally trusting person and always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was actually a pretty lucky guy I've realized. I didn't check his internet history, Facebook messages, emails, or monitor his activities at all when we weren't together. He could have been at strip clubs every night and I wouldn't care as long as it didn't affect our time together. I just wasn't paranoid that he might be abusing his freedom and my trust.

That first time I discovered hard evidence that a man I cared about, and who claimed to love me, had cheated definitely changed me. I found myself being very distrustful toward the men that I dated afterward. While I had never been insecure in relationships prior to that, it did spark some insecurity in me. I would question the guys' behavior a lot more, even if they hadn't given me much of a reason to distrust them.

When I first met my husband, I was up front with him about my trust issues. I had done a lot of work on myself prior to entering into a relationship with him, but sometimes those old ghosts still haunt me. I think it helped that he was so empathetic. He has been cheated on as well, so he knows what it can do to a person. We have always had respectful and open communication, so that helps too. At times when I've felt insecure or uncomfortable, all I have to do is express what I'm feeling and why and he understands.

So...I don't think the damage done will ever be 100% erased, but I think it has diminished significantly through finding an understanding and loyal partner. I can say that I trust my husband 99.9%, and the other .01% is not his fault. He has never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness. While trusting him 100% would be ideal, I think 99.9% works pretty well too. I am secure enough in our relationship not to impose any unreasonable demands on him, and he doesn't feel stifled or restricted by me. 

It's just unfortunate that, even when you try not to allow a POS cheating SO to influence you, they do. If I could turn back time, I would have never gotten involved with him. I hate that I may never be able to trust 100% again and that I'm even a pinch more insecure and paranoid than I used to be.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Unaware,
Take the "UN" off your name. Be Aware, it could happen and you know it now. I on the other hand was caught unaware. I thought it could never happen to me. If I would have even thought it was possible I'm sure I would never have let it happen. I took a lot of things for granted, including my wife. #2, make sure your husband knows you've been hurt before and that any shenanigans will be a deal breaker. Awareness and not trusting are two different things.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

OP, since you have determined that you want an LTR and children, I suppose it may be helpful for me to post some of the things that I did to work on myself before meeting my husband. 

It is easy to fall into the mindset that all men cheat. So I get where you're coming from. In some circles, it's actually encouraged for a man to get as much strange as possible.

With that said, what helped me was to consciously remind myself that NOT all men cheat. NOT all social circles encourage it either. Even though it's difficult, try to counterbalance your negative stereotype ("all men cheat so my partner definitely will") with a more positive thought, such as "it is possible to find a faithful man. They do exist." You won't be lying to yourself, because it's the truth. Not every man is a cheater.

It helped me to be honest with myself. If I found myself getting paranoid or insecure, I would try to ask myself, "Is this rational? Do I have any real reason not to trust HIM, regardless of what my POS exes have done? Is [X event] threatening to my current relationship in any way?" With my husband, the answer is always no. With some men, you may get a different answer. But it helps to try and look at situations as rationally as possible, and aim for fairness. It can be hard, but make an effort not to punish any current or future partners based on what past partners have done.

It also helped me to talk to and surround myself with other monogamous couples who are committed to maintaining their relationship. It is a strong counterbalancing force to the idea that all partners cheat on each other. Getting to know faithful partners (and men) can really help combat those negative feelings.

I'm sure there's more, but I can't remember right now.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> Unaware,
> Take the "UN" off your name. Be Aware, it could happen and you know it now. I on the other hand was caught unaware. I thought it could never happen to me. If I would have even thought it was possible I'm sure I would never have let it happen. I took a lot of things for granted, including my wife. #2, make sure your husband knows you've been hurt before and that any shenanigans will be a deal breaker. Awareness and not trusting are two different things.


My username is so due to the circumstances of my joining this forum


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I was married for 2 decades and never cheated. Not an EA, NOT a PA. Nothing inappropriate. I am also male. Faithful men do exist.

My EX-W on the other hand...


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

Healer said:


> I was married for 12 years, never cheated. My stbxw did, however. Not all men are cheaters.


I didn't mean all men cheat. I was not thinking clearly when i posted. 



Ovid said:


> With my wife 20 years never cheated. She however...
> 
> So the real question is. Are you repeating a pattern? What percent of past relationships ended with cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been in 3 relationships of a year or over 2 cheated 1 was abusive. I am only just coming to realise this now. The first one was very young and was a long distance relationship. 
The next guy was older and loved me more than I loved him ( polar opposite, I now see what I did there) I left him when he hit me after going out without him for a male friends birthday.
The third was the worst. Emotionally abusive, he wore me down to think I couldn't do better and that I deserved what he did to me. When he cheated I turned it around for a bit but I should have left then. took me another 3 years to see him clearly.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Unaware,

Seems that you are having a bit of a recurring problem,
If you get a chance take a look at the things I suggested.
Esp the book or audio book "emotional alchemy"
They have helped me a lot 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just to be very clear. 
If I were single would I bang everything I could? Yes
Would I pick that over a monogamous girlfriend who was crazy into me? NOT AT GUNPOINT.
There are those of us out there who do actually like truly knowing the face we look down at (or up at) during those intimate acts.

They do exist.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Unaware said:


> I didn't mean all men cheat. I was not thinking clearly when i posted.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You have to be a whole person yourself before you can expect to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else. 
As far as another relationship? Why not give yourself some time to heal, 'cause let's face it...sex is easy-love is hard.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

I have decided that it is the right time for me to work through it. My counselor thinks I need to write out what I have been through and post it on here to go over it all


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Unaware,

I understand your fear of being cheated on again and having someone rip out your heart.

I was with my EX wife for 17 years. I travel for work and got hit on by attractive women at times when I was away from my wife. I never once cheated. I wasn't interested because of what I thought I had at home. My EX on the other hand turned out to be somewhat of a serial cheater.

I have issues with trust. I do and well so what. You probably do too.

Here is the thing. You are afraid to get into a relationship because you are afraid of what could happen. Stop thinking of what could go wrong and think about what could go right.

Don't let your fear guide you. We are all afraid but you know what when you start taking chances, good things can happen. I am a shy person, but I met a gorgeous girl and when I was saying goodbye, I just planted one on her. I just realized if you want something in life, even if it's just the possibility of something, the thing holding you back the most is really just you...

Enjoy your life, don't be afraid of it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I was married to a serial cheater. I saw the red flags prior while dating and chose to ignore/deny them. I put up with it for a year since we had a child together. I ended up leaving, which was very easy since he was also abusive and very controlling. 19 years have passed and he still cheats.

5 years after my divorce I was set up on a blind date. The man I was set up with is absolutely wonderful and we hit it off beautifully! We ended up marrying a year after meeting and we've had a very good marriage these past 13 years! My husband puts all his efforts into the kids and I as his number one priority. I seriously could not ask for a better man to be married to. I had an accident 5 years ago and broke my neck. My husband has been by my side every step of the way. His support for me is phenomenal! I trust him 100%. We have 2 beautiful children together and he took on my first child as his own.

I did have insecurity issues during the first few years of marriage. My husband has proven himself to be faithful. We do have 100% transparency with each other.

There are very good men out there! Not all men are cheaters. I wouldn't throw in the towel quite yet.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Unaware said:


> I didn't mean all men cheat. I was not thinking clearly when i posted.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sounds to me as if you attract controlling, abusive men. I've never been physically attacked by a guy but in my 20s I can think of 2 guys I dated who were controlling. One red flag is that they move the relationship very quickly. Wanting / Demanding exclusivity. They assume any guy you speak to must also want relationship with you. They also move fast in getting to know your friends and family and try to influence them.

Other signs of an abusive man is that they make hard for you to make and maintain friendships and keep a job. This type of man is also open to cheating because, well, they view you as their property anyway.

It takes self discipline to pace a relationship. And that can help you to avoid one with a controlling man.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As I can continue with the relationship that I have, I' d like to think that our level of transparency can guard against those types of problems or at least become an early warning signal.

IT seems to me that as a relationship deepens and becomes exclusive, greater levels of transparency ie access to each other's accounts, certainly e-mail and social media, at first and then more and more of other private accounts.

For those who want to cheat, they may try to set up a baseline of behaviors and expectations at a time when they are not cheating to make it easy for them when they decide to do so. 

So someone who is very protective of their phone; who closes all accounts and password protects them; who behaves inappropriately (your call) with female friends and then belittles you for your concerns, for example ......... well, he probably isn't a good candidate for a long term relationship.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Men are cheaters. And when their wives cheat it's because their husbands made them cheat. It's their fault. 

I think it's about time we stood up for women. It's not like feminism has led us to this new age of immorality or anything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just have to move forward knowing that you may never trust anyone 100% again in the future.

And I personally don't think it's a bad thing. Because blind trust is dangerous.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You just have to move forward knowing that you may never trust anyone 100% again in the future.
> 
> And I personally don't think it's a bad thing. Because blind trust is dangerous.


I also see trust as a continuum of behaviors and expectations of others. Some people like to throw around the expression "trust issues" like it's an insult. But look more closely at the habits of that person, by your own standards that person may not be all that trusting either.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sounds to me as if you attract controlling, abusive men. I've never been physically attacked by a guy but in my 20s I can think of 2 guys I dated who were controlling. One red flag is that they move the relationship very quickly. Wanting / Demanding exclusivity. They assume any guy you speak to must also want relationship with you. They also move fast in getting to know your friends and family and try to influence them.


If they are with you they should know your friends and family. How is asking for exclusitivity being controlling? I think at some point it should be established, because after all you could think it's fair game and be going after everything that's out there, while they are being dedicated.



NextTimeAround said:


> Other signs of an abusive man is that they make hard for you to make and maintain friendships and keep a job. This type of man is also open to cheating because, well, they view you as their property anyway.
> 
> It takes self discipline to pace a relationship. And that can help you to avoid one with a controlling man.


Who says that you are supposed to "pace" the relationship, that would be controlling.

Women run these same tactics that you mention, I personally think someone like this is a bad deal for a relationship partner, doesn't matter the sex.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

treyvion said:


> If they are with you they should know your friends and family. Each person needs to be comfortable in the pace of introducing someone into their life. Someone who moves faster or slower than you're comfortable is not a good candidate for a relationship. Not to mention, I would expect the pace of their introducing me to their friends and family to be about equal as well. How is asking for exclusitivity being controlling? For me, there is a period when it is way too soon. YMMV. I think at some point it should be established, because after all you could think it's fair game and be going after everything that's out there, while they are being dedicated. I wouldn't turn down too many offers to date other men without having that discussion with my SO / SO to be. And really, also just the amount of time you spend with someone should make you want to ensure that the two of you are on the same page. But still I have been in situations when I felt rushed. Now older and more confident, I have more discipline about these things.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Unaware said:


> Sorry, That is what men have done to me


Out of curiosity, did your father ever cheat on your mother? I have heard many times and even witnessed in some cases where women tend to end up with men similar to their fathers. You may very well be attracted to men who tend to cheat. This does not make it your fault, but rather gives you a reason to practice a little introspection. 

I am nearly 30, and I have never cheated. I have never even allowed a "relationship" to develop to where I would think of cheating. When I am dating, I immediately and clearly indicate in implicit ways that I am with a woman and that is that. Period. Any woman who pursues me anyways wouldnt be worth my time, because she has demonstrated that she cares only about herself and her desires. She can want me so long as she never acts on it. 

Ill be honest here: I can be an ******* at times, I am not a morning person at all, I am not focused on a career or the pursuit of money, I am not always easy to get along with. Why spear myself? Because its important to note that even with my flaws, I am not nor will I ever be a cheat. Cheating involves walking on someone for your own gain. I refuse to let myself be walked on just as I refuse to walk on someone else.

Theyre out there, and you cannot let your past create a type of insecurity that tarnishes new relationships you come onto. Your life must have value separate from your man, so focus on bettering yourself and remember that no matter what happens with your lover, your life.. your legacy.. your contributions to the world will go on just the same. If you can find confidence in this, then you will be more attractive to men.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Out of curiosity, did your father ever cheat on your mother? I have heard many times and even witnessed in some cases where women tend to end up with men similar to their fathers. You may very well be attracted to men who tend to cheat. This does not make it your fault, but rather gives you a reason to practice a little introspection.
> 
> I am nearly 30, and I have never cheated. I have never even allowed a "relationship" to develop to where I would think of cheating. When I am dating, I immediately and clearly indicate in implicit ways that I am with a woman and that is that. Period. Any woman who pursues me anyways wouldnt be worth my time, because she has demonstrated that she cares only about herself and her desires. She can want me so long as she never acts on it.
> 
> ...



Ok No, as far as I know my father never cheated on my mother. Mum and Dad are still together (sexless but still hanging in there for the other side of mums menopause). 

My Sister married the guy that is just like my Dad. I am just like my Dad so it is unlikely that I will ever date a man that is just like him. 

I am getting my confidence back slowly and I am working on me. I know I am a good person and I deserve to be loved, now I just have to find me the person that is deserving of my love.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Unaware said:


> Sorry, That is what men have done to me


I'm a man, and that's what women have done to me. 

Every LTR I've ever been in, I've been cheated on. Three with other married men, one with a woman. 

You make your bets and take your chances and do the best you can in your marriage. Life's a beatch. Honest communication is the best thing. Tell your SO that's your fear. Tell him why. Tell him you will ALWAYS be faithful and ALWAYS come to him when you have issues. And that it's safe for him to do the same with you. ALWAYS.

It's the best relationship insurance you can have.


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