# Moodiness...



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

My wife and I had a great day today and last night. We were just nice to each other and had fun. It's why I married her. 

We worked all day on our house and I spent about 6 hours outside doing yard work and moving furniture. She worked extremely hard all day cooking, cleaning and other things. She always works extremely hard. 

So about 4 or so I take a nap because I was just exhausted. I wake up feeling better and looking forward to a nice night with her and her son. I walk in the room and I immediately recognize coldness. I say hi, she doesn't even look at me and just says hey. Normally when she is nice it's hey baby or hi sweetheart. So I can sense something is wrong. 

So I go in the kitchen and see the chicken on the counter that she is getting ready to cook and I just asked her if she wanted me to cook it and I said but we don't have to if she didn't want since my boys aren't here. I was trying to ease her burden. Her response was. "I just sat down! Can you give me a minute?" and this was in front of her son. I just put my hands up and said ok. 

Then a few minutes later she is leaving with her son. She always goes away with him without me when she gets mad. Purposely leaving me. 

Here's my thing. My wife gets so b!tchy when she is tired. It's time I recognize it. I don't think it is right how she takes it out on me. But I need to be smarter than to fall in that trap. 

I don't understand though. Why does she treat me this way? Look above... I was trying to ease her burden. Was she mad because I took a nap. Or just conveniently found me to pin her anger on. 

Frankly, she has done this many times. I am really tired of being treated like I am a punching bag. I don't know why I am posting..... I just want my wife to treat me with mutual respect. I really can't deal this throughout the rest of our marriage and I can't live my life walking on eggshells.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

cavenger said:


> My wife and I had a great day today and last night. We were just nice to each other and had fun. It's why I married her.
> 
> We worked all day on our house and I spent about 6 hours outside doing yard work and moving furniture. She worked extremely hard all day cooking, cleaning and other things. She always works extremely hard.
> 
> ...


Give her a Snickers. Seriously though, don't let her know it bothers you. Stay upbeat and happy even if you have to fake it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Stop giving in, if she's cranky then she needs to deal with it. Don't offer to help, don't acknowledge it in any way. When you ignore bad behavior you eliminate it, if you respond it's either positive or negative reinforcement.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Have you read "Married Man Sex Life"? Google it and look at the blog. You will find something called a "sh1t test." Sounds like that is what is happening. It also sounds like she is being passive aggressive. 

I think what you have to do is not react. Just let it be her deal, walk away, go do something else, and above all, don't let her see that it affects you. Wen she leaves with her son just say, "ok...see you later, have a nice time." 

When I was passive aggressive with my wife, she would refuse to argue with me, or let it affect her. It is really hard to argue with someone who won't argue back!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You both worked really hard all day. You got to nap. Did she? If she had to stay awake and watch the kid she may have been a little put out because you took care of number 1 instead of her. Just me, but if I felt "coldness" around the vicinity of my wife, I believe I wouldn't pick that moment to inquire about her culinary intentions. That's a little like seeing a bomb and stomping over to jerk a handful of wires.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Moodiness...*



unbelievable said:


> You both worked really hard all day. You got to nap. Did she? If she had to stay awake and watch the kid she may have been a little put out because you took care of number 1 instead of her. Just me, but if I felt "coldness" around the vicinity of my wife, I believe I wouldn't pick that moment to inquire about her culinary intentions. That's a little like seeing a bomb and stomping over to jerk a handful of wires.


Her son is 13....he doesn't need constant care. She naps all the time when I am not even there and her son is. She could have napped. She chose to work more. I had been in the hot sun all day.... Big difference also. 

But you are right on the last part. I need to just let her be tired and moody and not let it affect me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She just needs space, I get like that too, so did my STBX. Ironic that it was she who didn't know when to just leave me the fk alone


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

All of that is fine..... But don't take it out on other people. It's childish to make be pay for your fatigue especially when I am trying to help you. That is the bottom line.
In my opinion.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Minor suggestion -- Communication

Don't apologize for having a nap. 
But next time... try this:
-Have a look at the clock first. You know that dinner is usually served everyday, right?
-Verbally say: "I am going to go lay down until X oclock. When I get up, let's cook dinner together \ I will make dinner for us".

Why does taking off and having a nap become the cold shoulder?
Because nobody knows your plans. Are you going to wake up and expect dinner to be waiting for you? How long are you going to nap? 
How long should we all be "quiet" and not finish cleaning? Then there is the unspoken expected evening result. Forget any quality time tonight... You'll be up late because you had a nap. She will want to go to bed because she's tired. 

It's all fine to have a nap. But make your intentions known. It's for 2 hours, and the rest of the day will go as.....

See what I am saying?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Communication is necessary but there is a time for everything. If you can just walk into a room and feel the ice, it may not be the best time to say something that could be construed as critical. If I smell natural gas in a room, it's not a great time to light up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I wonder, would it be okay to just go ahead and make dinner when you are hungry? Why are you asking her if she will make dinner? If she doesn't like what you make, she is quite capable of making her own.

I mean, don't make something you know she does not like. Just make it. If she's hungry, she'll eat. No expectations there and you get what you want and she sees you as willing to help out.

Edit: I just remembered this and I think it is appropriate here. Years ago, someone told me it's not about the big things, it's about the little things and consistency. I forgot that in my second marriage. 

We don't do one thing for hours and count it as a thousand points toward that thing we hope to order by mail. Whether it is a big job or a little job we have done for them, it is still one point. That's a big reason to do things for yourself. You are only going to get one point no matter what you do. Do what makes you happy. Don't look for the points. She'll award them to you as she sees fit. Make yourself happy. Be proud of what you did for yourself, not for how you think you should be rewarded. It will be much more satisfying.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Moodiness...*



2ntnuf said:


> I wonder, would it be okay to just go ahead and make dinner when you are hungry? Why are you asking her if she will make dinner? If she doesn't like what you make, she is quite capable of making her own.
> 
> I mean, don't make something you know she does not like. Just make it. If she's hungry, she'll eat. No expectations there and you get what you want and she sees you as willing to help out.


I didn't ask her if she was making dinner. I asked her if she wanted ME to cook the chicken. And then I was going to suggest we don't even cook since some of the kids weren't there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he started dinner he would have caught a ration for doing that. He could feel the hate in the room even before he said or did anything. He could have walked in farting Mozart and crapping Tiffany jewelry. The trap was set while he was asleep. All he had to do was step in it. I think the best way to deal with hateful bats is to ignore them or to remove yourself (at least temporarily) from their hateful presence. When their hissy fits no longer produce any reward, they grow up and find adult ways to communicate. She's not stupid. It won't take long for her to figure out that if she wears her butt for a hat, she'll end up spending the evening alone. People do what works. If being hateful didn't work for her, she would change tactics. Usually, a hateful spouse gets catered to. Folks walk on egg shells and try to blow powder sugar up their wazoo to get them to behave as human beings. They learn it's empowering to be a hateful bat. Reward bad behavior and you're guaranteed to get more of it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

At 4 you went for a nap. You gave up the option of deciding what's for dinner when you did that. Or you would have thought of it before you went for a nap. Guys don't think of things this way.

Frozen stuff has to thaw. Or you have to go the store. Meh, it's a girl thing. The person who cooks the most does think of these things. I'ts 4 oclock. I'd better decide what's for dinner. Take something out. Look at what there is to cook.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If he started dinner he would have caught a ration for doing that. He could feel the hate in the room even before he said or did anything. He could have walked in farting Mozart and crapping Tiffany jewelry. The trap was set while he was asleep. All he had to do was step in it. I think the best way to deal with hateful bats is to ignore them or to remove yourself (at least temporarily) from their hateful presence. When their hissy fits no longer produce any reward, they grow up and find adult ways to communicate. She's not stupid. It won't take long for her to figure out that if she wears her butt for a hat, she'll end up spending the evening alone. People do what works. If being hateful didn't work for her, she would change tactics. Usually, a hateful spouse gets catered to. Folks walk on egg shells and try to blow powder sugar up their wazoo to get them to behave as human beings. They learn it's empowering to be a hateful bat. Reward bad behavior and you're guaranteed to get more of it.


I agree, boundaries on the shetty behavior. (call her on it,if it's an issue she needs to speak her mind) But also do try to understand where it's coming from.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I didn't ask her if she was making dinner. I asked her if she wanted ME to cook the chicken. And then I was going to suggest we don't even cook since some of the kids weren't there.


It's semantics. Just do it yourself. Would you have been wrong to make dinner for yourself when you are hungry and make sure there is enough for your family? Did you ever get the chance to ask how she "heard" what you asked? I know what you asked. I know what you intended. I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm saying there are other ways to handle it. 

She may have heard, "Are you going to cook or do I have to?" If you just do it, she is able to have a little free time of her own. She can relax a little. She sees you care about her. Remember, you're looking at it from your angle, not hers.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If he started dinner he would have caught a ration for doing that. He could feel the hate in the room even before he said or did anything. He could have walked in farting Mozart and crapping Tiffany jewelry. The trap was set while he was asleep. All he had to do was step in it. I think the best way to deal with hateful bats is to ignore them or to remove yourself (at least temporarily) from their hateful presence. When their hissy fits no longer produce any reward, they grow up and find adult ways to communicate. She's not stupid. It won't take long for her to figure out that if she wears her butt for a hat, she'll end up spending the evening alone. People do what works. If being hateful didn't work for her, she would change tactics. Usually, a hateful spouse gets catered to. Folks walk on egg shells and try to blow powder sugar up their wazoo to get them to behave as human beings. They learn it's empowering to be a hateful bat. Reward bad behavior and you're guaranteed to get more of it.


I agree with your assessment. My position is that, he has to eat anyway. If he cooks dinner, what is she going to do? Give him hell? Okay, he can address what is going on with her. Do you see what I mean? There is nothing wrong with him taking the bull by the horns and just doing it. If she has a problem, that is her problem and he knows because he has a very clear signal that she is not getting a need met. What that is he will have to explore, if he decides to do so.

Edit2: I cannot believe you have been through all of what I have read about you, cavenger. I know you are not in the least, afraid of catching a little hell from your wife for doing something that is helpful. You are too smart to let that go over your head and not see that there is a whole bunch more going on than just an issue with making dinner. Take dinner out of the equation and find the real issue motivating the reaction you got.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would anyone want to eat dinner in the vicinity of hatefulness? There's a clown at McDonalds and royalty over at Burger King. I'd eat a cold can of beans in a cardboard box under an interstate overpass before I'd chow down next to hatefulness. If he lingers around in her crappy-mood atmosphere, he's uncomfortable and that's her intention. She wins. He could ask, "wanna talk about it?" Being a hateful bat, she'll say, "nothing's wrong". Say, "Ok, Sweetie, see you in a bit!" and take a drive. Next time she's in a bad mood and he offers an ear, maybe she'll use her words. Piss on a sulking, hateful bat. I deal with crap and drama all week. Home is supposed to be my peaceful refuge. I shouldn't have to deploy to a war zone to get a little peace and sanity. If we have problems, we can talk like two grown-ups. My dad used that sulky, pissed-at-the-world demeanor all the time and I got out of there when I was 14. Have no intention of living with it, now.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Why would anyone want to eat dinner in the vicinity of* hatefulness*? There's a clown at McDonalds and royalty over at Burger King. I'd eat a cold can of beans in a cardboard box under an interstate overpass before I'd chow down next to hatefulness. If he lingers around in her crappy-mood atmosphere, he's uncomfortable and that's her intention. She wins. He could ask, "wanna talk about it?" Being a hateful bat, she'll say, "nothing's wrong". Say, "Ok, Sweetie, see you in a bit!" and take a drive. Next time she's in a bad mood and he offers an ear, maybe she'll use her words. Piss on a sulking, hateful bat. I deal with crap and drama all week. Home is supposed to be my peaceful refuge. I shouldn't have to deploy to a war zone to get a little peace and sanity. If we have problems, we can talk like two grown-ups. My dad used that sulky, pissed-at-the-world demeanor all the time and I got out of there when I was 14. Have no intention of living with it, now.


Read the word I highlighted, then read what you suggest.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Why would anyone want to eat dinner in the vicinity of hatefulness? There's a clown at McDonalds and royalty over at Burger King. I'd eat a cold can of beans in a cardboard box under an interstate overpass before I'd chow down next to hatefulness. If he lingers around in her crappy-mood atmosphere, he's uncomfortable and that's her intention. She wins. He could ask, "wanna talk about it?" Being a hateful bat, she'll say, "nothing's wrong". Say, "Ok, Sweetie, see you in a bit!" and take a drive. Next time she's in a bad mood and he offers an ear, maybe she'll use her words. Piss on a sulking, hateful bat. I deal with crap and drama all week. Home is supposed to be my peaceful refuge. I shouldn't have to deploy to a war zone to get a little peace and sanity. If we have problems, we can talk like two grown-ups. My dad used that sulky, pissed-at-the-world demeanor all the time and I got out of there when I was 14. Have no intention of living with it, now.


I would agree with you, except SHE leaves all the time when she's mad about something. He says she does that all the time. 

Yeah, I admit it's one of my old tricks. Just leave. Don't want to be around that person. She's moody? Naw, she doesn't want to BE with him. She's pissed at him in general. Trying to help him see that.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I really am going to stop facing the hate and feeding it so to speak. I just need to let her have her brooding time. 

The only problem is when we fight it is always like world war 3. And here we are again. We just don't argue well. I don't get her and she doesn't get me. 

It is taking years off if both of our lives. 

Oh and I don't like b!tches.... What I mean is I don't like people that take out their *****ing on me. She does it a lot and I just have smarter in how I deal with it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

cavenger said:


> I didn't ask her if she was making dinner. I asked her if she wanted ME to cook the chicken. And then I was going to suggest we don't even cook since some of the kids weren't there.


I agree with deejov about communicating your nap time and intentions. Maybe she got a little pissed that you finished what you wanted to do and didn't ask if she needed any help with what she was trying to get done and just went and took care of yourself?

As for your suggesting to to cook......

These kind of statements used to upset me too. I was a SAHM and was very sensitive about being micromanaged by my H on how I did my job. Here is a possibility of what might of been going through her mind.

She took the chicken out so she considers this one of her jobs - to cook dinner. She has been working hard and sits down for a few minutes. She knows what time she needs to start the chicken and what time dinner will be served. You come in after sleeping and ask if she needs you to start the chicken. In her mind you are saying "You haven't started dinner yet, I am getting hungry, this should have already been started so we can eat soon, you aren't doing your job in a timely manner so now I have to offer to do it." To her, she could see you as being judgemental and micromanaging.

Instead, if you had said something like "hey babe, since I had a nap and you haven't rested yet, why don't you let me cook dinner while you rest". She may have had an entirely different interpritation of your offer.

It is all in the way you say it. Now, she was already tiered and grumpy, the other posters have addressed some good responses to that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

There IS something you can do about it.

The underlying issues you both have with each other are just going to bite you both, over and over.

How do you deal with it?
You get HONEST. If you are being a jerk, correct your behavior.
You need to identify what your expectations are of each other, and learn how to communicate your needs, compromise, and let a bunch of small stuff go.


There is a lot of reading that might help.


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## bellawhite (Jan 22, 2013)

Suggest to her for her to take a nap during the day, or take a nap together after she had a hard day? Will she do it? Your wife sounds like me, lol...i dont like taking daytime naps thought because most days i wake up with a headache and still tired!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm a sahm, so my husband and I have very traditional roles. Years ago when my husband would start inquiring about when I was going to cook or even if he started to cook it irritated me. He didn't mean to pressure me but what I heard was get to work. I finally told him that I would prefer he not start what I considered 'my chore', I know how long dinner takes to make and he hadn't gone hungry yet. We agreed that if he is just being kind he will say something like "don't get up," or "I want to do the cooking tonight". That exact question of 'do you want me to cook' always irritated me, it made me feel like a slacker It just felt like very subtle pressure for me to get to work. Like your boss poking his head in at your office and grilling you about upcoming deadlines or worse starting a project for you. Women seem to pick up more subtle subtexts than men do. 

Does your wife usually do the cooking? Maybe she also feels your innocent inquiries as pressure, even though you don't mean them that way. Or I could be wrong and it could be that your wife is just rude.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Update... She's cooking that same chicken tonight... Lol.... I swear being married is a trip.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

And? What's your point? The chicken is already defrosted and she was planning on cooking it anyway. Would you rather she lets it rot?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

deejov said:


> I would agree with you, except SHE leaves all the time when she's mad about something. He says she does that all the time.
> 
> Yeah, I admit it's one of my old tricks. Just leave. Don't want to be around that person. She's moody? Naw, she doesn't want to BE with him. She's pissed at him in general. Trying to help him see that.


If she didn't want to be there she would be gone. She doesn't leave while he naps but deliberately hangs out, showing her behind long enough to communicate to him that she's pissed. Then, she trots off in a tiff, youngun in tow. The display was for his benefit and her hanging around waiting for him to wake up was specifically so he could see her well-orchestrated show. No audience reaction = no repeat performance.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If she didn't want to be there she would be gone. She doesn't leave while he naps but deliberately hangs out, showing her behind long enough to communicate to him that she's pissed. Then, she trots off in a tiff, youngun in tow. The display was for his benefit and her hanging around waiting for him to wake up was specifically so he could see her well-orchestrated show. No audience reaction = no repeat performance.


agreed. So how does one "get up and leave" to show a boundary to shetty behavior, when she's already out the door?

Like I said... I used to DO this. 

Your post reads like you were there. I didn't assume that is what she did, because I'm not talking to her. Who knows what she intended. OP is here. And still mad about the chicken.


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## x-ray (Jun 12, 2013)

it's a _fairness_ thing girls have. My wife does it lots 

You were obviously not immediately available when she needed something. worse still, you were doing something for yourself - the cardinal sin  So the _fairness extrapolater_ gets activated and your toast :rofl:


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