# Please advise, my wife is killing me



## barelyalive (Apr 27, 2010)

I have been married for nearly ten years. We have a six year old daughter. I am a very good dedicated loyal husband who does everything he can for his family. I always put my family's needs ahead of mine. I am quite flawed however, I have had temper issues in the past and had a nervous breakdown in 2005. I went on anti depressants and got better and have not had any temper issues since 2006. I learned in 2007 I have severe sleep apnea (probably had all my life) and have had zero success treating it.

In 2005 my wife started going to college full time and we kind of stopped talking, through four years of college between all the schooling and raising a child we stopped talking and were left to having sex say - quarterly. I have always assumed our lack of communication was due to her need for study time. She then met a male friend in college who she spends hours each day talking too. He is unattractive, and she swears she thinks nothing sexually about him, but nevertheless, I do not like the amount of time she dedicates to him. She also would go out for drinks with him and get very drunk and then drive home drunk - she has driven drunk several times and I warned her not to do it and have (each time before she goes out) asked her to call me to pick her up if she gets drunk.

This past winter she left her email open on the computer and there was an email from a co-worker who expressed very deep feelings for her and how desperately he misses her. He is another guy she had been out drinking with. She swears there was nothing between them and he was just being dramatic over a break-up of their freindship. This event brought out a huge argument between us, we both agreed we would stay married and she agreed to pay more attention to me and try to act like a wife. I also made her promise she would never drive drunk again. Well her "improved" behavior lasted about two weeks. She went right back to her old habits. Then last Friday night she went out at 8pm and didnt come home until 4:30 am, she was supposed to be out with co-workers. It turned out she lied about who she was hanging out with. As for where was she for 2.5 hours after the bar closed...she said she realized she was too drunk to drive and pulled over and went to sleep.

I told her she cannot ever do this again, She is not behaving like a responsible mother, She should be out drinking all hours of the night, she should not be drunk driving and she should not be getting passed out drunk with other men!

She said she needs to go out and get drunk and socilaize and I have no right to forbid her from doing this. 

She is horrible with drinking, has no self control and nearly always drinks until she passes out.

Here's another great fact - she is going on a month long business trip this summer - what the heck is going to happen there?

She flipped out at me and suggested we get a divorce.

Am I being too controlling as she suggests????

I really do not a divorce. I also want what is best for my precious little daughter.

I also told my wife if we get divorced, I should get custody - which made her flip out at me.

Please offer any advice you can

Thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that if she wants to be single, go right ahead and move out. But your daughter will stay with you.

So she can choose to live the single life, or she will stop going out and you two will go to marriage counseling. Her choice.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, you are being too controlling. You don't have the right to tell her what she can and cannot do. You are not her father, nor are you any other type of authority figure. She gets that you're not. You need to get it. For once I am happy to hear about a woman who doesn't think she is supposed to live by *daddy's* permission and approval. Hurray for her!!!

What you CAN do is ask her what she wants. She told you she wants a divorce, but perhaps you didn't take her seriously. So ask her. Perhaps she only said it in the heat of the moment since you both were arguing over you trying to boss her around. I grant you she is being insanely irresponsible. She is also being disrespectful of you and your marriage. However, screwing up her marriage is her prerogative. It is selfish, but still for her to do if she wants. You can't very well tie her up and forbidding from doing anything is also not within your jurisdiction. 

Something else you can do is leave, and I wouldn't blame you. No one should be treated the way she is disrespecting you, herself and your marriage. I understand if you don't want to leave and prefer to try to save your marriage.

If trying to save your marriage is what you want, then there are other methods you can try, such as talking to her.....calmly. Tell her you think you both should go to marriage counseling. Tell her how you feel about her behavior. Tell her how it hurts you that she disrespects you so much. Ask her to tell you how she would feel if you did all those things and were no longer committed to the relationship. If she tries to turn your calm discussion into an argument, you have to resist the urge to join her. Tell her you still love her and only want your marriage to survive.

Still going with the assumption you want to save your marriage, I think it's time you win your wife back. What you see but probably didn't analyze is the attention she is getting from those other than you. That is attention every woman craves. That attention is what makes sparks fly if you remember the early days you were dating. You describe one of her male friends as being unattractive, but you'd be surprised at how little that matters. He may well make love to her mind on a daily basis, while she comes home to your ever ready edicts and arguments. Think about it, _"a male friend in college who she spends hours each day talking too_". 

This is what you need.......
Fireproof
It's a movie. Rent it. Watch it. It will be the principle tool in helping you save your marriage.

I wish you well.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Controlling? I don't think you have been controlling but your marriage is in deep trouble nonetheless. Sounds like your wife is VERY unhappy and might be depressed as well. She could use some therapy alone as well as some couples therapy as well. She's definitely out of control because she is NOT acting in an acceptable manner as a wife or mother. Having close, personal friendships with other men and partying it up is NOT the key to a happy marriage. It sounds as if she is looking for love and acceptance from someone other than you because your marriage is lacking that. 

Now, the question is "why is this happening and how can you fix it"? You both need to sit down and figure out the root of this problem and then come up with a plan to solve it, whether it be therapy or a separation. What's important is that you BOTH need to agree that you have a problem and start to work on this as soon as possible. It almost sounds like she's in denial and giving her a laundry list of all the bad things she's done isn't going to solve anything at this point..it's just going to make her more resentful and angry.

Hopefully you can appeal to her maternal feelings and bring up that you have a daughter who is suffering as a result of all this. In the end she might choose to try and work on your relationship but it sounds as if your marriage has been hurting for a long time. One thing is certain, whether you try and work it out or separate it's going to be better than what you have. This can't go on, if only for the sake of your daughter.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Protect yourself and your daughter, first and foremost. Anyone who always drinks to excess has serious alcohol issues. Add driving drunk to that, and you could have criminal charges and probably civil actions pending against your wife soon. Honestly, you SHOULD want a divorce. Start documenting her behavior and drinking--get video, other witnesses, whatever it takes, and have her sign a post-nup agreement so you can't lose all your assets if she's busted for drunk driving and hurting someone. Use a lawyer and find out how you can best protect yourself and child. 

Once you get that taken care of, you can decide about divorce. But seriously, that is not the most pressing problem here. She is a disaster waiting to happen. 

Good luck.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> She is horrible with drinking, has no self control and nearly always drinks until she passes out.


To me, this suggests an alcohol problem. We all have mental images of alcoholics, but not everyone with an alcohol problem fits that image. There are degrees and shades of gray. She's got many of the signs.

Now, that aside, you don't sound controlling. Your wife going out and getting wasted with other men and being irresponsible (drunk driving) is not okay and you are stating that fact.

You need to put your foot down. First, meet with a lawyer. I think your situation (and your gender) require that you be prepared for possible divorce if things come to that. Then, ask her to come to couple's counseling with you. Ask her to go to individual counseling if she doesn't want to go as a couple just yet. 

What does your history of "temper issues" involve? If there was abuse in the relationship (emotional or physical), then that's a layer of the onion that needs to be dealt with. Just because you're better now doesn't mean she doesn't have the scars of those bad years left in her heart. This might be an UNCONSCIOUS way of getting back at you some of the pain that you caused her. It might be a way she's coping with the pain.

On the other hand, she might be an immature selfish person that you shouldn't want to stay married to. How is she the rest of the time? How is she as a mother otherwise? How are YOU working on opening the door to talking and being close again? Her friendships with those other men suggest that she's desperately needing that type of connection, which means it's not at home. Start offering that. It's not easy to do that one-sided, but it's possible and you should always start with the things that YOU can change on your side of it before you can change the other person.


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## barelyalive (Apr 27, 2010)

Never physical. Just loud yelling and some cursing - stemming from an argument, she's a very difficult woman to out yell.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

or a problem that she likes to use drinking as an excuse for .. sometimes hard to tell.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Regardless what anyone says marriage is a two way street it is a 2 part equation. You have a right to your opinions , wants and desires. If you feel uncomfortable with what she is doing you have every right to force a decision out of her. Your daughter does not need to see a woman who flirts with strange men and let them take her out to get her drunk all night long. If this is what she wants tell her to hit the door. When you two made a family the right to be a idiot went out the door. If she can't do that then you nor your own daughter needs her being a factor. I can see how this is leading to resentments on your part already.

I am so pro marriage and working things out but this a little out of control. She has got to figure out what she wants but right now you have to worry about keeping your daughter safe , fed , and rough over her head.


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## hopelesslife (Feb 21, 2010)

don't blame you.she is not on a right track of her life and your marriage.i have seen an exactly the same story like yours.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

It's utter nonsense to suggest that you are too controlling. 

Your wife made her own very grown-up decision to share your lives, values and ambitions but now seems to be 'acting out' like some destructive adolescent. As a former problem-drinker myself I agree with the folk who've flagged up warnings about her alcohol problem - whatever its roots it's a risk to her, you and, above all, your child. I wish you well in your efforts to resolve this problem.


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