# What to do?



## lovemykids2017 (Mar 1, 2017)

Hello,
I have been married for the last 8 years and it was rocky after the birth of our kids. Partially due to postpartum. I am very active in raising our children and give my wife ample free time to pursue her hobbies and exercise. She is a stay at home mom. Recently in the past few months, she has changed her hairstyle, seemed to become more distant and is going out with friends much more. Sometimes just to dinner with married friends. But a few times in the last few months, she has organized girls going out together. She told me she ran into one of her single friends but I found out through her phone that she had planned to meet her. She also discussed a mutual friend with her single friend and said he had a crush on her and she thought he was cute. She texted that friend and told him to meet her out with the girls. He declined. How do I proceed from here?
I adore my children and want to stay together for them and would like to work it out with her as well. She has said in the past she wouldn't go to counseling.

Thanks


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Seems like she is getting one too many girls night out. Get a babysitter and start going out with your wife. No more girls night out. Where ever she goes so do you. You want to rebuild trust? Start by spending more time with your wife.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

LMK,

Have you gone through her phone or put spy software on it, your answers will be found there. 

Hire a private investigator.

She is in an affair or very close to being in one, too many red flags.

Don't let on that you know, play dumb or she will take it further underground.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This does not look good.

This post may be of help to you, please read it carefully http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

And good luck.


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## lovemykids2017 (Mar 1, 2017)

I looked through the phone. Haven't put spyware on it. Don't know apple id and password. Recommendations?
Thanks for the help


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## lovemykids2017 (Mar 1, 2017)

I did not find any texts but those can be deleted especially from other iphone users. I forgot to check words with friends.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Nip it in the bud. Do not fear hearing that you were spying on her. If you have any chance, just say to her that you happened by chance to see that conversation. Let her know that you are disappointed, and that you are now concerned. Be up front. Ask why she wanted the guy to meet her when she is out with the girls. I know a lot of people here on this site will say to lay in wait so that you can pounce when she does go for the A. I believe that it is in it's earliest seeking stage. You may be able to avoid a possible infidelity situation. You may get a fight out of this, but she will know that you are vigilant and hurt by her actions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quit being passive.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know this is wrong.

How long will you sit back and allow this to continue?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lovemykids2017 said:


> I looked through the phone. Haven't put spyware on it. Don't know apple id and password. Recommendations?
> Thanks for the help


Voice activated Recorder in her car, Velcroed under her seat. Purchase a good one at Best Buy. Maybe another one in the house where she makes calls from.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You should get a copy of those chats/emails. You can just take a photo with your cell phone if nothing else.

Next, if she backs up her iPhone to a desktop or laptop using iTunes you should be able to get a good look at what she's been doing. I am not an expert on accessing it, but it will be on her computer. Do a web search for where are iphone backup files stored on mac (or windows if applicable). There are ways to extract the data. You may need to purchase a program to do this.

Two significant issues here that I see. 1) Your wife is willing to go meet men for nefarious reasons. This requires you to quickly determine how bad it is, and to interrupt it. 2) Your marriage has problems which need to be addressed. Note that if she is doing what it appears she is doing, problems in the marriage are not the cause. Whatever imperfections you have as a husband are not causing her to go meet men in bars. It is not your fault. So, there are two issues to be worked on if the marriage is to survive. One is why she is capable of crossing these lines, and how to heal the relationship with you for having done these things. The second is for both of you to learn to be better spouses so that the future relationship can be much better. Don't let anyone (especially you!) try to lay the blame for her actions on you.

You could put a Voice Activated Recorder in her car, very well hidden so she doesn't find it. You could put a VAR in the house if there is a place she makes voice calls. You could put a GPS tracker on her car, though it seems you know where she is going. Those measures would give you answers within a week about what is going on.

There is merit to confronting her now. But, she will deny everything and she will become much more careful in hiding anything. The #1 rule is to never divulge your source of information. So you'll have to find a way to not say you looked at her phone.

One approach would be to say you want to spend more time with her, and while you are happy she has friends you are seeing your marriage being cut out of the loop. Her friends should be an addition to her social life, not a replacement for the marriage. Thus you would like to go out with her, perhaps with some of her friends even (or just the 2 of you).

Her friend who is enabling her with this other guy needs to go. She's toxic to your marriage.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How often are you and the wife having sex? Hoping you aren't in a sexless marriage...


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## lovemykids2017 (Mar 1, 2017)

Few times a month.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

First and foremost, identify who is not a friend of your marriage. What friend of your W is adding this. This person needs to go.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If she want's to meet the other guy, you probably can't stop her. Why would you want to be put in a position of being a PI/detective for the rest of you life anyway?

Tell her that you are aware of her desire to party with OM. Tell her you will not continue in a marriage with three people in it or a marriage where you can not trust your spouse and if this is what she wants to do, then you wish her the best in her new life a a divorced women. 

Her reaction will show you what you need to know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree with TDSC60. Tell her you know that she's been trying to meet up with guys on these girls nights out and that she either stops them IMMEDIATELY or she moves out of your house. See a lawyer to find out your options for divorce and don't make a secret of it. Start the ball rolling. The only reason not to do this is if you think she might have actually met up with someone - in that case, start snooping NOW.

If she steps up to the plate and actually complies (very unlikely) then you will need to watch her very closely for a LONG time. Chances are she will call your bluff though. Be prepared to follow through with D. Of course that isn't ideal, but staying with her 'for the sake of the kids' will do nothing but make you (and the kids) miserable. Not to mention you're accepting being a cuckold. And giving the kids a really bad example of what marriage should entail.

Oh, and I recommend STD testing and no more sex until you KNOW what she's been up to.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Significant red flags. Do not do anything to tip her off that you are suspicious yet. Act like everything is normal while you gather information. If she really is capable of taking this too far, you want to know that. If you play your hand too early without evidence, you'll be wondering what really happened for eternity and it will drive you crazy.

Sounds like she has an Iphone. Download wondershare dr. fone. Use the free evaluation version. Plug the phone into a computer via USB and run wondershare. You don't need any passwords or even the unlock code.

It will pickup all recently deleted messages and photo attachments etc.


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## Copingwithit (Nov 8, 2012)

Look spending money to track her and get pictures does not mean anything unless it matters in a divorce court. 

I know here in NYC it means nothing.. If the kids are with you and she is fvcking another man all is good. Only matters if you come home and the kids are ALONE.. Then it matters as she abandoned her kids to have the Affair..

But nothing like that is happening here.. So what is your point in doing it.. I agree you need to have Copies of these messages, even if it as simple as taking pictures with your phone of the chats.

This other woman that is is friends with has to fvcking go.. 

Here is the big issue which I can relate to because I have been on both ends..

You are weak.. The reason is the handle you are using for posting here and the excuse you are using about your kids..

Now I am not insulting you as I was in your shoes the 2nd time around. 

But the first time around I called my mother in law and tossed my ex wife out the door. Child and all.. GTFO... Boom.. She called and begged to fix it and come home.. 

2nd time I was begging her to stay for me and the kids and she walked right out.. Left me and the kids..


Does she have family close by ? 
You need to expose this and shame her.. You really do..
If can pack her bags and call her parents to come and get her.. Print out the messages and show them when they come.. You should time this in such a way that you just want them to come over and make sure she is coming home.. This way you drop the fvcking bomb on all of them. Tell her to GTFO.. Let her take the kids and go.. Or better just let her go.. 

If you give her time to plan she will NOT want to make this public.. 

Show this message to this other woman's husband or boyfriend.. They need to know the snake that she is.. 

You really need to paint her with a scarlet letter.. Other woman need to be afraid to have their husbands around her..

Only and only when you attack her with this shock and awe type of front will she flounder and look to fix this.. 

Sadly you will not and keep this private ( like I did ) and she will walk all over you and then leave you.. 

I know this is all crazy.. It is all mind games.. Its all really psychology.. 

In every relationship the woman wants the man because they are strong and protective.. 
In every relationship the roles eventually reverse and the women then despise the men because they are no longer strong and protective.. They are weak and vulnerable and emotional. 
It happens 100 percent of the time..

You are fighting for your marriage and she see's you as weak.. She needs to see that your not.. The only way she will see this is if you blow her up to her family.. She will be too busy answering their calls and trying to defend herself that she will not have time for this guy or anyone else for that matter.. It gives you some breathing room since you only caught her LOOKING.. So she has no one really to go to..

You need to blow up this woman as well to the family this way they will know to keep your wife away from her.. 

Again I know this is all foreign to you and hard to swallow or maybe accept and understand.. But trust me/us not being weak and crushing her will win her back. She might get upset at the moment when the parents are there and you are blowing her up.. But trust me unless her parents are crazy and side with her regardless they will beat her up as well. She will feel stupid and embarrassed. 

Affairs are like fungus they die when exposed to the light.. 

I hope I have found some way to resonate with you..

further if it all works out.. Therapy is forever.. Not a month or 6 months.. Not a year or two.. Forever... Doesn't mean you go every week for the rest of your lives.. But it means she goes at least every 3 months.. This is just in case she is feeling weak and looking to cheat.. You are hoping she will tell the therapist and this way you can being working again before its too late.. Consider it like an oil change on your marriage.. Again something else that would have or might have saved my marriage..

Good luck


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## lovemykids2017 (Mar 1, 2017)

Thanks for all the advice. I am not going to confront her yet until I investigate a little further. Recorder in car, etc. Talked with her about her being distant and the fact I wanted to work on marriage. She blamed the distance on me and didn't really agree to do anything on her part. I am therefore preparing for a divorce and documenting parenting time and getting my financial affairs in order.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's a stay at home mom so that means you are paying for her partying and you are her babysitter. Time to open new bank accts and new credit accts and let her fund her own way.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lovemykids, any updates? Did you continue your investigation and find anything. I hope you took a hard line on this. You wife us WAY too confrontational about the marriage and that doesn't bode well. ..​


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Given her response, and her current actions it is not too far from plausibility that she is in or is considering an affair. If you have the funds hire a PI. Has your investigation turned up anything?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're staying at home while she goes to a bar with her friends, who sounds like she's trying to hook her up? Dude that is disrespectful. 

With her being distance and your sex life sounding kind of dull, she could have already tried to step out on you but is on the prowl. There is usually one divorcee in the group that wants to entice another woman to wreck herself. 

With you being so involved with the kids and the home, she's seeing you as weak. Not all women think this way but to some women, a husband who's super involved with the kids and doing more than half the household chores can come off as effeminate. 

When a wife all of a sudden is taking care of her appearance and you're not reaping the benefits but are instead getting a wife that looks for silly things to cause distance, you know she's on the prowl. In situations like that, it's a fatal mistake to not to start upping your game. Hitting the gym, taking care of your appearance, getting together with male friends. Don't stay home like a freaking baby sitter, while she's out getting her freak on.

You can keep playing James Bond for more evidence but if something is close to happening, you may be to late to stop it. Personally I think you have enough to confront her. But it must be done with a firm hand. Don't be cowed by her crying that you're invading her privacy or that you're being controlling. Your family is on the line. They need a strong man to fight for the family because you're wife is on the path to destroy it.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

lovemykids2017 said:


> Hello,
> I have been married for the last 8 years and it was rocky after the birth of our kids. Partially due to postpartum. I am very active in raising our children and give my wife ample free time to pursue her hobbies and exercise. She is a stay at home mom. Recently in the past few months, she has changed her hairstyle, seemed to become more distant and is going out with friends much more. Sometimes just to dinner with married friends. But a few times in the last few months, she has organized girls going out together. She told me she ran into one of her single friends but I found out through her phone that she had planned to meet her. She also discussed a mutual friend with her single friend and said he had a crush on her and she thought he was cute. She texted that friend and told him to meet her out with the girls. He declined. How do I proceed from here?
> I adore my children and want to stay together for them and would like to work it out with her as well. She has said in the past she wouldn't go to counseling.
> 
> Thanks


I agree with MattMatt that you need to investigate, but I also want to ask- do you both have an agreement on opposite sex friends? IMO, her behavior screams "poor boundaries" with other men if she's not actively engaging in an affair. She's at least engaging in independent behavior, doing things without considering your feelings, which is harmful in marriage. 

Is it possible that she thinks it's ok to hang out with other men without telling you or inviting you along? Does she think you're ok with her texting other guys? If you guys haven't talked about it before, I'd continue with your plan to investigate but I'd also be prepared to discuss appropriate boundaries for a married woman with her, and let her know in no uncertain terms that she's currently violating yours and this isn't going to work for you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lovemykids2017 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I am not going to confront her yet wuntil I investigate a little further. Recorder in car, etc. Talked with her about her being distant and the fact I wanted to work on marriage. She blamed the distance on me and didn't really agree to do anything on her part. I am therefore preparing for a divorce and documenting parenting time and getting my financial affairs in order.


Talk will get you nothing as you've seen. If you are to afraid to take some action you will wallow in despair and she could care less.

It sounds like you are a very Mr Nice guy. They always get walked on.

Read it
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Did your check the phone bills for numbers called and texts to?

Your reaponse to her answer should have been "how do I address these issues?". 

Start by reading marriage builders, a great site for how to strengthen a marriage (not so much for adultery) and Divorce busters.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Var the car. Make sure you can get access to her phone. Tell her you are unhappy with the girls nights out. Tell her you are getting suspicious that there might be another guy involved. Monitor communications for 48 hours. If you don't get anything else then confront her. I agree that you shouldn't let this run on. If she goes on another girls night out get a PI to follow her.


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