# Wife says "I'm not in love with you" and she wants a divorce



## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Hello.. 

I've been married for 9 years and been together for 11. We have two beautiful girls, 5 and 7. My wife told me a couple weeks ago that she wasn't in love with me anymore and a couple days ago told me that she wants a divorce.

I asked her about my boundries and she said it was ok that I still hug and kiss her. She still wants to have "date night" where both of us go out and do something together. She said this is to build a friendship for the kids". I took it that she just wants a friendship and doesn't want to try to help our marriage. She still calls me sweetie, hon, etc. She doesn't want to go to any councelling of any kind. We both play an online game which she gets a lot of attention on. She loves playing the game and it makes her happy because she gets a lot of attention and likes playing.

She wants me to be confident, she wants me to be healthy, and she wants me to be a happy and positive person. She wants to hear how good my day at work was.

The problem is that I was addicted to the computer/gaming and I have neglected the relationship for the past 8 years. She finally had enough and said she was done. She has been a stay at home Mom and has not had any socialization really for the past 8 years. I neglected her, didn't listen to her, and didn't give my time to the family.

I seen the light and told myself that I need to make myself a better person for myself but also for my family which she is a part of. I've joined a gym, seen my doctors, and seeing a psycologist to help me out. I've been helping get the kids to bed, I've been doing things around the house as I see them when they need to be done and I don't point these things out to her seeking her approval. I'm doing them because I want to do them and I know that is what a good father and husband does.

I still have to admit that I'm scared out of my wits that she is still set on divorce and is going to leave at some point. Our mortgage is under water right now with the housing prices being so low so if she did leave we would have to walk away from it and take a big hit on our credit. This is good for me! It gives me time to make the changes I need to make and show her I am not that selfish husband/father that I was in the past years.

I've talked to her too much about this stuff and I have over-talked my stay. I cannot talk to her anymore about this as she is completely done talking. 

From what I've said here, what are your opinions? Does it sound like she is really done or is she just saying that out of pain but her actions speak otherwise? I'm kind of confused about this so I would like to hear from other people what they think. I would especially like to hear from women because they understand what and how other women think.

Any help/tips/opinions are greatly appreciated.

-Alli


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes there is still hope. I received the “I’m not in love with you anymore” bomb 18 months ago and we are still together. While not out of the woods by any stretch we have greatly improved many aspects of the marriage. A couple of suggestions. Continue to be a good father and husband but don’t dote on her. Give her space. As much as you want to discuss the situation, don’t unless she brings it up. If she does, break new ground and don’t rehash the old. If you have made changes be sure you commit to them for life or you’ll find yourself in the same boat or worse down the road. Also if you have made these changes in fast order it will take time for her to accept them. Give her that time. Use your date nights to redevelop your friendship first. You need to be friends to become a happy couple. There is hope for you and your wife but it will take time. Read my mantra below and try to fit those words into your strategy. Good luck


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

I posted this on some other forums and I kind of didn't like what they said. I was told to install a key logger on her machine so that I could "protect" the marriage. I think that would display a complete lack of trust.

Thanks, I'm trying my butt off to be a better husband and father for my kids. If this doesn't work out in the end, I know that I will be a better person for myself and that she lost out on a great person.


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## askpuss (Oct 10, 2008)

Alli, 

I hate to say it, but your wife is interested in getting busy with some other dude. Whether it is an online affair (which entails online flirting, and other types of sex talk, to actually meeting) she is about to or has already had a fling. 

I have pulled the same "I'm not 'in love" with you" crap with my husband, and frankly what does love have to do with anything? When it boils down to it, your wife is being a selfish, self-centered child, and you have been a selfish, self-centered child. Neither of you are thinking about what is good for your children!!!

All you two can think about is "what is good for me" let's forget about those two kids who are only 5 and 7. How the HELL are they going to deal with the fact that their parents could even take a moment out of their computer playing, cheating, and whatever other self centered activities were going on, to think about their needs!!! It amazes me how many parents totally forget about those kids that make up their home lives. It is like the kids are an after thought. Your wife is being a horrible mother and you can tell her so. And quite frankly you have been a horrible father, who is now trying to make up for your lacking. 

Love between married couples has very little to do with anything. Love is a result of acting. You act like you care about one another, you act as if you want to take part in each other's lives, you ACT like you love one another and WOW low and behold you will FEEL like you love one another. At this point right now your wife has no connection to you what so ever and has found a connection to some dude online. She is getting the flirting, the feeling good about herself from this guy...something that you should have been doing all along. Now you have to try to "make up for it" for all the time that has been lost. You can't. There is no way to make up for lost time. However there is a possibility to talk to you wife, tell her that her selfish ways are going to do nothing but hurt the children even if she doesn't so called feel "in love" with you anymore, cause that wonderful "in love" feeling comes and goes, it is a fleeting feeling that is about as significant as anger. 

What MATTERS is the commitment the two of you made through your marriage vows and certificate. You pledged to love, honor, cherish and respect one another till death do you part! Where is she upholding her end of that deal? You two made two children since taking those vows, but I guess their outcome has little to do with your individual happiness right? Children don't matter, it is all about the adults happiness, their rights, what the adults what....you should bring that up with your wife, because right now she isn't thinking one second about her children. Yes, I am saying she should stay married to the father of her children for her children's sake, and she should learn to live with that sacrifice, and learn to be "in love" with you again. 

IF you have seen the light, if you are putting your selfish ways behind you and recommitting yourself to your children and your wife, getting your back side off that computer and becoming more involved, then kudos to you and she should do the same. She needs to leave her internet lover behind and recommit to the family and marriage. If she is so starved for attention she needs to find some friends, and learn to trust that you will now be there for her. Being a stay at home mom is one of the most rewarding, and trying experiences, it will test the will and strength of a woman and she will have to come out of it more selfless, more giving than any other person in the world. Being a stay at home mom is a job that is never rewarded, and often is taken for granted. It is the job of the family to show MOM that they care and love her for her sacrifice. I know that it is hard. I live it everyday. But that doesn't give her the right to go off and start up a romance with a man online because she isn't getting it from her husband. And from what you say, you have seen the error of your ways, and are changing. She needs to see that you are changing. 

THERE is never such a thing as over talking something. Keep talking about it till you are blue in the face. She has to see that she is being a selfish woman and that she needs to acknowledge that she is harming her children by her actions. Feel free to bring it up as often as you desire. Ignore her defensiveness and keep at it. She may try to call you out on your past selfishness, but if you have really changed and are being selfless, then you have nothing to fear, admit to past wrong doing, but don't let her off the hook for her current wrong doing. She needs to get over herself, and her apparent soap opera need for drama. You both need to quit the video games cold turkey, just like a smoker. You need to recommit to raising the children you had, and stop being selfish adults who think about their children last. 

Puss.


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## helloitsme (Oct 22, 2008)

I know how your feeling but she might just be wanting to find something to rekindle. You were so far away from her for so long and now its like you are right back in her life, and it is strange for her. 

Keep going on date nights they are a good thing, no kids just the two of you. Try and remember things you talked about and did when you first started dating and try to get that back again. Laugh it brings you closer, and date nights are a great oppurtunity to do that.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

One thing that my Mom has been telling me is that her behavior is not consistent. Monday night she said she wants a divorce and this morning she was friendly and we had a 45 minute conversation on the cough as she was drinking her coffee. It was just nice. We've never done this before. She got up to make the girls lunch and when it was time for me to go, I gave her a kiss on the lips which she was ok with, I said I loved her and she said the same back, and then she told me to have a good day. 

Then later today I had three appointments one after the other that I had to go to so I wasn't going to be able to help get the girls to bed tonight. So I called her to let her know to tell the girls I would give them kisses and hugs when I got home. When she answered the phone she sounded all fine, we talked about what I needed to tell her and she told me she made dinner. Then at the end she said ok I'll see you when you get home - love you! Bye! I said the same and hung up. This conversation sounded just like it was had 1 year ago when everything was perfect and fine. It was as if nothing was wrong at all. It did not sound like a woman that said she wanted a divorce two days ago.

If she was really on the way out and wanted a divorce, I would think she wouldn't do those things, she would distance herself a bit from me and wouldn't want to kiss or hug me. She is a very compassionate person and I would think that if she was really having some affair that she would have internal conflict with it.

Then she said she was talking to one of our friends online in the game and he (he is a 14 year old boy from Alaska that we both talk with and help him out with his teenage issues) said to her "I think he is doing better." and she said back to him "Yeah, I think he is doing better.." She told me this conversation but I don't know why - I thought it was a bit different. Was she trying to give me hints that she thinks I'm improving and she is seeing it? I don't know, this seem better between us but the flip flop behaviour is something I need to pay attention to.

A lot of the women I've talked to about this seem to think it could be menapause(sp?) and her female chemicals are all out of whack flipping moods from one day to the next.

So I don't know, today was a good day and I'm going to continue to do what I'm doing. Went to the gym tonight and met a couple people that go to church so I'm also going to check those out this weekend.

Anyways, thanks for the replies everyone. If anyone has any more comments, please let me know.

-Alli


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

tell her you will not agree on a divorce until you both been to counseling, Some states won't allow it with kids involved until you have tried counseling.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds to me like you have a slight chance. It all comes down to you though, keep doing everything you are doing and try to be the best husband and father you can be. If she is ready to talk, or take it to the next step she will let you know. If she was completely done she most likely would have moved out.

draconis


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Well, the one thing that is giving me time is our mortgage being under water. It would put us both in financial crisis if she were to leave/divorce now. So this is a blessing as it gives me time to show her that I mean business and that other person that I was is no longer welcome in this house.

I am getting such mixed signals from her though it is really confusing and I can't talk to her about it because I've over-talked her at this point. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. 

As I've said before I'm going to stay my course and do what I've been doing with the kids and with things around the house. I am a good person and I'm proud of the progress I've made in the last 2.5 weeks. It would be her loss if she still decides to leave.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

alliistah said:


> I seen the light and told myself that I need to make myself a better person for myself but also for my family which she is a part of. I've joined a gym, seen my doctors, and seeing a psycologist to help me out. I've been helping get the kids to bed, I've been doing things around the house as I see them when they need to be done and I don't point these things out to her seeking her approval. I'm doing them because I want to do them and I know that is what a good father and husband does.


This is the absolute best thing you can be doing at this point & I'm glad to hear you want to make these changes for yourself because that will make it easy to keep them up.


alliistah said:


> From what I've said here, what are your opinions? Does it sound like she is really done or is she just saying that out of pain but her actions speak otherwise? I'm kind of confused about this so I would like to hear from other people what they think. I would especially like to hear from women because they understand what and how other women think.


Alli,

From my perspective, getting to this point takes several years and if she has tried whether subtle or not to let you know she needed more from you as a husband and father, each time you ignored those needs she came closer to telling you she wants out. Once the words are spoken there is a sense of relief that you are no longer struggling with it internally but there is also a feeling of anything you do at this point is either too little too late or may not last. 

This is why what you are doing is great and backing off talking about it might make her more inclined to believe you really are doing this to be a better man, not just to win her back.

The hugs/kisses/and love you's are very good signs in my opinion because when I was at that point my resentment was too strong to want any physical contact & once the words were spoken I almost felt a sense of anger that I had to get to that point before he would even consider stepping up to become a better man. 

(quick background...this was my first marriage which did end in divorce because I honestly did not believe he would change...and he remarried 2 months after we divorced and went back to all of his previous ways so a lot depends on how well she knows you and how driven/motivated you are to better yourself)

Since she is still receptive to your affection, take that as a very positive sign and just be patient & keep doing what you're doing.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

One thing that I'd like to add here is that she is -very- stubborn. Once she makes up her mind, thats it. She has to go about that way and "break" herself at which point she breaks down and then yields and then admits she was wrong about something, etc.

I'm afraid to tell her "If you want a divorce, I think you should leave. I have enough self-respect to not allow you to drag my heart through the gutter while you stay here in a very comfortable environment. If you want a divorce then you're divorcing me and this whole environment we live in. I won't leave because I want it to work - I'm not the one who wants a divorce. ..and if you want to come back, I'll be here for you with open arms."

This is so hard for me. Every day is a challenge to get through. I'm still doing everything I've been doing to be a good husband and father - that will not change if she stays or goes. I know I am a better person that I was a month ago.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

swedish said:


> Since she is still receptive to your affection, take that as a very positive sign and just be patient & keep doing what you're doing.


Thanks for the suggestions. It is very hard and I'm trying my best to back off. I have big fears that she is getting her emotional needs met by playing the game with other guys. I've talked to numerous people about this and since these people are across the country and even in different countries most of these will fizzle out after a while. She knows what she has here and she knows that if she leaves it will be a big mess and will be extremely hard for her. She will need to get a job and trying to find somewhere to live, etc.

So, I'm just backing off, giving her that space and doing what I've been doing. As hard as it is, this is what I think is best at this point. Since she is so stubborn I'm afraid that if I act on something and tell her to leave that she'll stay gone. At least when she is here I have a chance at showing her the changes I've made (without pointing them out to her of course) and that I really want to be there for her and the kids. I've realized that this is what truly makes me happy and that the computer/games aren't nearly as fufilling as being with your family and seeing them smile and walk around being really happy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Take her up on the date night. This is a great window of opportunity for you to fill some of her emotional void and she may come to realize it's much better to have that happening face to face with you vs. online with a stranger. Show her that in her 'real' life she can have fun and feel emotionally cared for.

In my opinion, the last thing you want to do is to threaten her with all she will lose if she leaves...if she is stubborn, it may only fuel the fire...I know it's hard to back off but she knows how hard a divorce will be, she just needs to see for herself that it's not a lose-lose situation.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

I will take her up on the date night. She has something going on with her Mom this Saturday so I think I'm going to plan it for the following Satuday. Then by next Saturday we will have had over one full week without me "talking about it" and giving her the space she asked for.

This weekend I'm going to do some stuff with the kids - I haven't figured out what yet, but I find something for us to do.

So here is an update on things. This morning about 4:30am our youngest daughter came in to our room and said she had a bad dream. My wife let her get into bed on her side with us. Since my wife came closer to the middle of the bed, I put my arm over her waist and held her hand for a while. She got hot with me and our daughter so she moved but she was ok with me doing that. 

Then this morning when we were both up, we talked a bit about the game again and some other things that are going on with Halloween and stuff. Then I went to take a shower. She was playing the game when I got out. Then when it was time for me to go, I touched her on her back and said "Ok Sweetie, I gotta get going" and she leaned her head back to me so I could give her a kiss. I kissed her four times with each one lasting about 1 second and she was very receptive to all of them. Then after the last kiss I kept my face close to hers and smiled a bit and said "Have a good day today ok?" and she said you too. Then I told her I loved her and she said she loved me back. Then I went out to work.

I really think I need to look at her actions and not what she says. Was this really the same women that told me she wants a divorce on Monday night? She's pretty extreme when she does stuff in every day life so maybe she just went off the deep end a bit too much with her and my emotions coming together and didn't want it anymore. 

With me changing the input to the marriage from now on, I think the marriage has no choice but to change. She can't be angry/frustrated anymore because those things she was mad at aren't happening anymore. It won't happen over night but I think over time she will see that I'm not the same person and will start to soften up a bit and maybe she will allow herself to be in love with me again.

Then when I was almost to work she called me with a problem with the computer. I told her what happened and what needed to be done to fix it. She said that she would wait until I got home to fix it and I told her "Don't worry Honey, I'll get it all fixed up for you." and she said ok. I told her I loved her again at the end of the call and then hung up. Again, sounded like conversations that happened a year ago before all this came around. <shrug> I dunno but I still am not going back to my old ways. It's just not worth it and I would be embarrassed to do so.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

My wife said she really fell out of love with me last January. All of this came out on October 4th where I realized everything I had done. This caused me to freak out.

She is still playing the game and my fears are that even though I have changed a ton, she is too pre-occupied with the game to notice. It has only been 3 weeks since I realized everything and made changes but I wonder if still in her mind she wants a divorce still and is just waiting until the housing market comes back so we can sell the house and she can move out.

Now that our roles have reveresed, she is the one on the computer all the time and I am not, she says she knows exactly what I am going through and the pain I am feeling. She says she doesn't have any emotion because of me feeling this because she felt it for years. I feel terrible and my heart is bleeding. She pretty much doesn't care that I'm feeling like this because she went through it for so long herself. 

I don't know.. I'm just typing to help get my emotions out there. It is very hard. I'm doing my best. My Psycologist told me she is really proud of what I'm doing and to keep up the good work.

My wife has planned to go to her cousins wedding at the end of December. I am stressing about this because of a past experience I had in the past. In my last relationship my ex went away for the weekend and came back and said "I don't know you anymore, since I don't love you anymore, we shouldn't get married, and since we're not getting married, I shouldn't love here anymore." and promptly moved out. I know my wife is not this woman but it is hard to not have old emotions surface when similar situations arrise. 

At this point I cannot talk to her about anything because I have over-talked my stay and talking about anything is a huge turnoff for her and just pushes her away farther. I do feel that after giving her some amount of space that I need to tell her that I want her to spend more time with the family and myself but I don't know how long that should be. It's only been a few weeks since I've made my 180, so I'm still trying to figure out what is enough time for her.

-Alli


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

One thing I was just thinking about in the shower was to try a tactic where you just do things different. I am doing a lot of things different, but I mean in regards to my affection to her. I'm the one coming to her right now, asking for hugs, kisses, etc. I was thinking of stopping all that and just allowing her to come to me. If she does, I will accept them with open arms and stuff but I won't make it feel like I'm a love sick puppy (which shows weakness and low self confidence) and show her that I'm ok with myself and that I don't need the constant physical touches from her. Maybe she will think something is wrong and I am slipping away maybe and she might think twice about what she is doing.

Any opinions on this one?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I can only comment on this from my perspective of what I went throught but I see several common issues. The fact that she has not left and still wants date night, and uses pet names on you means there is still love there. 

When I first began to go through some issues with my husband (a different situation, he was having an affair that I did not know at that time) he said he still loved me but not like it used to be and the passion was all but gone. We'd still been intimate about 1X per week or maybe every 2 weeks but other than infrequency it sure seemed like there was still passion. So I thought you can't make someone love you but I can make a difference in me. 

I was devastated when he told me this, depressed, angry, anxious, etc. I began to think he had a point in some of the issues he made, albeit he looked entirely from his own viewpoint and was being a selfish ass (a fact he recognizes and freely admits now) but he had a point. So I thought I don't like the person I am now. I could be more positive, a better mother, and a better wife. This was a conscious decision I made to be positive NO MATTER WHAT. It was harder than hell at times and that's where this forum lifted me when I needed it most. I also got some outside interests and joined a single mom's group for advice and socialization. What a tremendous benefit for me. I began to work out and feel good about myself. People started to notice and comment. Men began to flirt with me. I realized I could be happy without him if it came to that and I could make it. 

I stopped taking his crap (hanging out with the girlfriend who in my heart I knew he was having affair with but he kept denying...she's just a friend). Also I decided that we needed to find activities together that we enjoyed doing. We can't just talk about the relationship all the time, so let's have fun together like we used to.

At first he was apathetic said he was only 50% sure he wanted to stay married. Twice he just walked out without a word and spent the night in his truck (later admits to inflict pain, it was a mind game), and he said he no longer wanted or could talk about the relatinship or put in the effort. "If it was meant to be then I'll just one day feel the way I used to". Not sure how he thought that was going to happen when he was sleeping with someone else! 

Still I tried. Mostly I focused on me, stay positive, deal with the kids in a positive re-inforcement way (my son has some health issues with allergies that cause behaviors similar to ADHD so not always easy) but no matter what I showed happiness and calmness on the outside, and eventually began to feel it. I started doing things with just my kids and the mom's group without him. I did set up date night, which he responded to really well. That was a turning point for us. I planned two dates, we had a great time together and we just talked about stuff, not bills, mortgage, kids, or our marital problems just talked. He mentioned to me how much fun he had and how he missed that and he actually planned the next date! 

I kept mentioning I wanted to try rock climbing, and one weekend while I was away he took our son there and they tried it for the day and he signed up for a family membership. We also started doing other things like going to the gun range (his hobby but I found I had an interest too). Now we play on a sand volleyball team, and we have a great time. We just began to communicate more and have more fun. He even commented what changed about me the most was my confidence was backed and he loved it. My positiveness was rubbing off on him too, his mood was improving. 

Sometimes it felt like we were growing closer together then other times he'd act angry and disconnected. I learned later it was the guilt as the affair was going on still. 

By the time I discovered the affair, I had changed. I realized I didn't deserve this, and he didn't deserve me. I kicked him out. He'd crossed the line. I didn't have the confidence to do that earlier, I thought my life would be over if our marriage ended but that didn't give me much credit for who I was. I also looked at who I'd become, a better mother, I made more time for my kids and stopped yelling at them, I was more patient, physically I looked and felt better (in fact I got a new haircut and clothing to help with this too), I was more outgoing, independant, and I realized that I was worth being treated better. 

If you don't think you are worth it then how can your partner, was what I was thinking. 

Now some of the things he told me was that he'd gotten lost somewhere along the way. Our marriage became kind of routine and mostly that was from us both focusing on work, kids and everything but us as a couple. We forgot how to have fun together. He let it happen too and when he noticed it he intentionally hid how he felt so as not to deal with it. That escalated to the point of being so unhappy and wanting to escape and that is what he was doing but it made him more unhappy which is why the anger. It took losing it all to realize he had it all to begin with. 

Love is a verb not a noun. You have to love in order to have it. When we first meet mother nature makes it easy for us but you then transition on to a deeper love and if you don't put anything in to it, it goes away. You were doing that during that time and now you have a lot of work to do to get it back. 

She has not left, its not over yet. I think from reading your post there is still love she has for you. So date night, once a week. Make it fun, unusual, different! Think about if you were first dating her how would you want to show her you cared? Plan something different each week. Talk to each other, bills, kids, work, marital problems off limits for these dates, this is about you two reconnecting. Find something you enjoy doing together (no more online games!) something real, something you can do together as a couple and then something else to do with the whole family. Also I see this a lot with SAHM's they don't get out enought. Does she belong to any kind of activities or groups? She needs out of the house. I work full time but in the home so I think I have some of that same problem. Its why joining the volleyball league, the women's group, and other activities made life more fun for me. If I'm having more fun then the little things in life are no big deal. I think she needs to do somethings for herself (book club, ladies group, yoga, whatever!) 

Remember that you are fully in control of your own attitude, fix that first and you can fix these other issues.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

What a wonderful post! Thank you so much! That really made me feel good. I am working on myself. I'm doing a lot of things differently for myself as if I was single again. I'm going to the gym, eating better, not hanging around the house in grungy sleeping clothes all day, and making sure that I spend time with the kids. I don't get on the computer before they're in bed.

Actually, I got on the computer before they were in bed last night because my wife was in the game and I could hear from the other room they need one more player and I offered to help them out. Then once I was in the game I said to myself "WTF are you doing man!? You shouldn't be here until the girls are in bed!" So I said I was sorry the people and said that I need to spend time with the kids and quit. I made a mistake but I seen it and I corrected it as soon as I realized what I did. I only played the game for probably 5 mins before I noticed, not 2-3 hours.

Anyways, thanks so much, I really appreciate all the advice you gave and I am working on it. It is indeed very hard but I will make this work. I know it will work because I am in control of myself.

Thanks again,

-Alli


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Good for you! Based on your recent posts I sure see a lot of hope. Also if the worst case happens and it does not work out, you will be a better person than you were, a better father, a stronger man. But I think if you continue down this road, and you have lots of patience there is a very good chance.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Thank you so much - again, I really appreciate your comments. After I got back from a doc appt, I asked my wife and the girls if they would want to go out to dinner. My wife seemed interested and said yes. She the girls cleaned their rooms and she took a shower and got ready. 

We went out and I made sure to not walk in front of her but to walk with her. I started in front a bit but again I caught myself and stopped right away. We had dinner and over dinner she was looking at me. At one point when she looked at me I blew her a little kiss and smiled at her. Then as we walked back to the car I held her hand. It wasn't much but it does mean a lot to me just as she does. 

What was interesting though is that when we got home just a few mins ago, she went out in the backyard where it was dark with her music player. This isn't normal for her so maybe she has something to think about or something.

At any rate, it was a nice dinner except for one of my daughters getting a little out of hand. It was nice overall.

Today is clean day number three. (A clean day is one where I don't talk about the issue and we get through the day and have a pleasant experience). I plan on having many of these days in front of us. I'm marking them on my calendar so I can stay focused on making every day a clean day and feel good about the number of clean days I have in the past which will encourage me to keep moving forward one day at a time.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

My husbands neglect of his family has not come about through an addiction to online games, but through an addiction to work and online porn, so I know a bit about how your wife might be feeling. 

The big difference between your situation and mine is that you are making wonderfully positive changes in your life and doing your best to give you rwife the space, time, and proof of change that she needs to see in order to consider continuing in the marriage. My husband seems to have already given up any attemps at change...again. 

I believe there may still be hope in your situation. She still shows some and is willing to recieve some affection. She still says she loves you. She is giving you things that I no longer can give my husband...so keep trying, keep up with the changes you have made in your life, and know that no matter what happens, you will be a better person for all your efforts, regardless of how things work out in your marriage.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Thanks for the kind words. After dinner she was sitting her in the computer room and I gave her a few kisses which she didn't turn down. I can tell she seems reserved a bit but she is ok with me kissing her. I guess it could be worse but it does show some hope. 

One thing that I noticed that if different is that she shuts the door to our bedroom when she changes her clothes now. Never did that for many years and now she does. Not sure what to think of that but I thought I'd mention it.

I am working hard and I do know that if this doesn't work out in the end, I'll be really crushed. I would think that she would see that I have truly changed and want to be there for my family. I will continue to do so and make each day count. As I get more events to report on, I'll be sure to post updates. I'm sure there will be some more things to report on over the weekend.

-Alli


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I am going through a similar thing with my husband but I am the one who wants to get out. The thing is, he, just like you, was (and still is) addicted to his PC. He would spend two days straight on his gaming and he didn't see anything was wrong with it. Our kids are 7 and 9 now and I am running out of excuses why is dad "too busy" to take them to the park or do anything with them. The only time he spends with them is when all three of them play the stupid game and for me....Well, I don't like video games that much but have found myself spending more time on my PC after kids go to bed and everything around the house is done. What else is there to do when you have no one to talk to? I also resent him for not helping around the house at all. I have a full time job just like him and then he expects me to clean, cook, look after teh kids....The list is endless. Once I get too tired and stressed out I yell at him (if I don't yell he just ignores me) and he tells me that he will change and he does for few weeks and then once I start relaxing bit more and believing that things are looking up, he goes back to his old ways. 
So the question now is, have you done the same thing before? HAve you said that you will change and then after a while you went back to gaming and there fore ignoring your family? If that's the case, she is still on guard, waiting for you to stuff up again. I don't think she really wants to leave because if she did she would've been gone by now. Maybe she is just waiting to see if you have really changed for the better. And if you have, I applaud you.And I hope you have. Not just for your sake but for the sake of your family. I wish my husband would change before it's too late. Right now, the only thing that makes me happy is day dreaming about how much happier I would be if it was just me and the kids. I'd have more time to spend with kids and the whole atmosphere in the house would be a lot more relaxed. I wouldn't be so angry. 
I go to work every day and when it's time to go home I wanna pull my hair out. I think to myself:"I'm gonna get home and he'll be sitting in front of the computer with all the junk food around him...." And if he is having a bad game he'll be in a bad mood. I just wanna stay away from my house that used to be my home. Sad, isn't it?


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Yes, I really have changed this time because truly seen the light before my wife said anything about divorce or anything. Now that I've made the correction she is distant and doesn't seem to want to accept the fact that I've changed for the better. I have "changed" in the past but it was nothing like what I'm doing today so she still might be on guard a bit. 

I feel though that she has made up her mind about leaving and is just toying with my heart because she needs to stay here because we can't sell the house (housing market is very very bad and it would be a financial mess if she left right now). I don't know if she is just letting me hug and kiss her to keep things "ok" while she waits it out or not. 

..and she doesn't want me to "talk" about it anymore as that pushes her away. So I feel like I'm handcuffed waiting in limbo not knowing if she is really done and still has zero feelings for me or not. If she still doesn't have anything I wish she would just let me go and stop dragging my heart in the gutter.

I know I am a better person due to the changes I've made and I will continue to do them no matter if she stays with me or leaves. That other person that I was is no longer welcome in this body/house. I have admitted what I've done wrong and what I'm doing to correct it but still she is stubborn and doesn't want to let her guard down yet. I can only hope that she does and allows me to show her who I truly am.

I don't know how much longer I can take feeling like I have daggers going through my heart every day. I wish she would tell me that she is either going to stay and allow me to be my new self or she is going to leave. I love her and my kids very much.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I understand that is hard for you but do you think that maybe she wants you to feel like she felt for 8 years while you were too busy with your game. Maybe she wants you to feel like you don't know if she loves you or not as that's probably how she felt for so many years. When my husband spends all his free time on the computer and non with me I feel that he does it because he doesn't love me and doesn't care. I believe that we all need some time for ourselves but you can't forget about people who matter (partners, kids....). It's ok to have a hobby but when that hobby turns into obsession something is wrong. 
But back to your problem. I know that she doesn't want to talk about it but try something new. Have you tried talking to her about good times you had. You know, in a casual kind of way when you are out driving and you go past some place that holds good memories say something like "Oh, do you remember when we went out on a date to this place? How much fun was ........" Keep reminding her that once upon a time there was love but what ever you don't end it with "I wonder why it's not there anymore?" I took our old videos out few weeks ago and kids and my husband watched them. It was quite interesting to remember all those days and I think it made both of us think a little bit more about "us" and not so much about "me". And I think it was good for the kids to see that their parents weren't always like this.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

alliistah said:


> Yes, I really have changed this time because truly seen the light before my wife said anything about divorce or anything. Now that I've made the correction she is distant and doesn't seem to want to accept the fact that I've changed for the better. I have "changed" in the past but it was nothing like what I'm doing today so she still might be on guard a bit.


I don't think she is stubborn, she's afraid to believe you have changed and then have it all revert back. I do this too. Its important that you be consistent and if she mentions anything about you changing or the online games, just reassure her and don't feel irritated. Its on her mind, let her talk about it. You don't need to bring it up, let her when she needs to. 

When doubts creep in with me, what has has helped me is my husband saying its ok that I feel that way and he expects it and that its his fault for causing the doubt. He now wants me to talk about it as before he'd be fine if I kept it to myself then he wouldn't have to deal with it. When I bring it up, he will then reassure me that he's never going down that road again. The woman (you can hardly call her that, she's 18) used to live with her parents and has just moved out and as we walked by there house on the way to a friend's I said out of the blue "She moved out. So has she called you to tell you where?". He's had no contact he said but you know the ugly doubts creep in. He said that no she had not called and if she did, he will hang up on her. He said he is different and never going down that road again in fact now that he has gotten away he can't see why he ever nearly threw everything away for her. 

For him it was another woman not a game but all the same I think her doubts are in seeing such a change so fast she's afraid to hope. I think now that you have stepped away from all this you can appreciate your family a little more and probably wonder why you wasted so much time that you could have spent with them on the game.


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## alliistah (Oct 22, 2008)

Hello all..

I completely forgot about this thread I made until I got an automated message from the forums. I thought I would give an update to my situation since it has been so long.

My wife are still divorcing, we have already been to court and gone through the custody trials to define custody. My wife has been moved out for a while now and I have a new girlfriend for about 5 months. She just moved in with me. Things are looking very much up for me. It was a long hard time but I got through it.

The piece of advice I want to give to others is that even if you still head toward divorce, things will get better. It just takes some time and there are indeed happy time in your future. You just have to be confident in yourself and live your life.

-Alli


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