# What does she really want?



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I really could use some support from this forum today... 

Here is what has happened. I stopped drinking for 10 months and nothing had changed as I was told by the wife that if i would just stop drinking everything will be great. Well, 10 months not a thing changed with her. Not to mention i had a roller coaster ride dealing with the booze and sobering up with seeing all the damage i comitted. I felt horrible, i wanted nothing to do but fix everything. Yet i felt my wife was broken down or too broken down for me to fix. 

Well, I started to drink again out of fustration trying to fix things 24/7 without any results. I was going nuts figuring out what the heck it is that i have to do to win her back.
Fast forward till recently... Me and the wife had a talk one night, I told her that I now want to stop drinking, i no longer like it, it just makes me tired and i really do not like the taste anymore. Of course she does not believe me because I have been saying this for months now. Which i totally understand.
The thing is that i really mean it this time, it has now been 18 days since i stopped drinking cold turkey. Last year I actually went to a pyschologist that specialized in addiction with his specialty focusing on alcoholism. It worked very well, i know i can do this becuase of the models and help he had given me. I just do not know how long it will take for her to see that i mean it. When i ask her what is it going to take for you to see i am doing this and it is a permanent thing not a fluke. She wont answer me.
Now here is the problem.... Last few times we had gotten into fights she tells me she hates me, she tells me she does not need me for anything, she tells me this will never work but yet she tells me to stop drinking, i do and nothing changes so what the heck is she doing or wanting from me? 
Last night we got into a fight because her bday is coming up and she works weekends. She has next saturday off for us to go out for her bday just me and her. Which i had to pull teeth for because of these two loser friends she has. For the last month or two there were plans for her friends husbands band playing at some bar to go to. She never mentioned this to me, yet the other night i see that her two friends and my wife made plans for this sat night to go to that show for her bday. Yet she has not said one thing to me about it. 
So last night i say to her where are we going this saturday night ? she says me and my girls are going to celebrate my bday since you said me and you are going next saturday and just me and you on new years. I said well here i thought we are trying to fix things between us why would it not be just me and you. Your friends dont need to be with us, We are working things out and we do not go out cause of you working weekends. So you mean to tell me that you come home by 8 p.m. but too tired to go out with me or make plans with me but yet you can go run with dumb and dumber....
I tell her look I do not care that you go with them to celebrate but yet i am your husband and you need to talk to me about these plans instead of waiting till that hour before you go. Because a while back i got tired of this single friend of her that has three kids by three different guys and is a druggy and still lives at home with mommy, not to mention she just quit school for nursing. My wife thinks the world of this loser. I told her that any time she thinks she is going with that friend I am not watching the kids and she can call her parents to watch them which there always too busy. not to mention i am not gonna be used. 
So i tell her that last night call you parents to watch them cause i am not. She got all pissed off, i said look we dont need to fight. I just want to know why I am not going out with you guys? Then she says it is a girls night out. I said how is this possible if one of your freinds husbands are going to be there with all his friends and his band? that dont make sense to me... She then tells me she doesnt want me to ruin her night either. I tell her see what i mean, i am really hurt right now cause one you do not tell me nothing of this event, second instead of telling me you dont want me to go you use the excuse its a girls night out....
I told her all i wanted to know is why i could not go, i told her i wasnt even thinking of drinking. I told her i do not care if you go, i wouldnt mind being with the kids at all but when you act like were dating when were actually married and you do not consult with me pisses me off cause your friends do not take my place nor do they control our marriage especially the way and the situations they are in...
So then she tells me she hates me, i say why do you tell me things will work out then if you just hate me and it seems not to ever change. She says nothing to me....
I ask her do you love me she says no.
She then tells me to F off, shes not talking to me anymore. i said whatever then... Why does she tell me she loves me but yet has no problem telling me she hates me and doesnt love me and this is over and not going to work????


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

She has complete shut herself emotionally off from you. She probably does still love you, but at the same time hates what you've done to her and the relationship.

She doesn't trust you after what you did when you were drinking, you quit drinking, started drinking again, and quit again. 

From what I read, I can't tell you if its going to work. The only chance of it working is a serious positive change in the relationship, which would take counseling and a TON of work from you both. 

Talk to her. The issue isn't what happened over this bday. The issue is that she doesn't trust you, you have seriously hurt her, and although you've stopped drinking (which is a very good thing) the main issues of trust/fighting/negative relationship are still there and strong.

I would tell her you want to make the relationship work. Ask what you can do to make it work. Give her time to think about it. She is so mad at you at this point that it will be hard for her to do anything positive for the relationship. Try to get her to go to counseling with you if she still wants to be in the relationship.

Best of luck.


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