# What can fill the void?



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Can anything help to alleviate the emptiness of a lonely marriage?

It seems like I've gone from one thing to another to attempt to fill that need and nothing eases the pain for very long. It seems for quite awhile I somehow managed to throw myself into other things to feel content and happy, but lately I'm getting more saddened by what my life is missing.

How do others cope?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Why are you trying other things to fill the loneliness from your marriage? Have you talked to your husband about how lonely you feel? Why do you feel so lonely? 

Nothing else is going to ease that pain. You have to change things in your marriage for the loneliness, and the pain that goes with it, to change. Outside activities and hobbies will not make up for anything that is missing within your marriage. 

Beyond that, if you're looking for things to do to fill time or out of boredom or whatever, you have to find things that interest you. For me, it's writing, photography, and reading. Those are my top three go-to activities. I'm actually in the process of creating my own website, with the help of my boyfriend, to promote my writing and hopefully achieve my dream of being a published author one day. 

Actually, that just reminded me...that is one way you can try to ease the loneliness. Try to find something you two can do together. We do lots of other things together, too, but the website is fun for us because he's teaching me about something he knows a lot about, I'm learning something new, and it's something we both enjoy. It gives us something to actually *do* together, and something we can talk about when we can't actually work on it. Find some hobby that you both enjoy, be it watching movies together or playing mini golf or whatever, and do that together. 

If your loneliness is because he never finds time for you, then you might want to really think about that. Someone who really loves you and wants to be with you will make time for you, no matter how busy they are or what else is going on.


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Thanks atruckersgirl

I guess I'm speaking in terms of something missing from the marriage. The pain and loneliness that comes from living in a sexless marriage, having a spouse who's emotionally unavailable, those on the forum who don't truly connect with their spouse and just live as roommates, the spark is gone, no romance, etc. Just something missing. A big something. A void.

Over the last few years I've managed to cope with my less than adequate marriage by directing my time, energy and interests into my kids, exercise, reading, hobbies, things I enjoy, etc

Now it just seems like I'm not able to cope that way anymore. 

Day after day I go about my daily duties, and I hang around this forum and on FB, as a form of escape I guess, since I feel trapped in misery.

I really don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I feel relieved at night when I can just end the day and get a break from the false front I try to keep up for the kids or whoever. When my eyes open in the morning I just want to close them again.

To answer your question, yeah, I've told my H how lonely I feel. I don't believe he is able to see it to the extent it actually is, being male and all. It does seem as if things change but not consistently.
And so the pattern continues. And I feel like my life is passing me by.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

your happy face or front that youre putting up is not telling your husband the true story. Men are indeed not as emotionally needy as us women - but the poor guy also isn't a mind reader. You may have told him you're lonely - but if a man doesn't have a clue how to fix it then most will just avoid the issue. Give your husband the tools he needs to make you happy again - tell him what you need and to keep it balanced & avoid defensiveness ask him about his happiness too. You'd be surprised how much men appreciate very straight forward, non-condescending truth about how he can make you happier. 
Focus on being more honest because its not fair for him to go on thinking everything is ok. Eventually you will explode from bottling and leave him shocked & confused. 
Rekindle too! im sure youre resenting his distance and lack of emotions but try out being the exciting fire in the marriage by bringing into it new activities and a new attitude. Dress sexy and be mysterious - it might just get the attention youre craving!!! =) just suggestions but I truly feel for your situation. Im the fire in my marriage and he is the ice. Without him I wouldnt be stable and secure and without me his life would be a tad dull and routine. Ive accepted my role and learned that our balance works for us. But if youre being two ice cubes then yeah - there wont be fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

lovelieswithin, thanks for your feedback.

I know my H isn't a mind reader, and that's why I've said everything I know to say to get him to realize how I feel. I've talked so much I am truly tired of hearing myself. Actually, I think I hate hearing myself anymore. I hate the pleading and desperation I hear in my voice and I resent it with a passion.

Ah yes, rekindle. Well, I had lost much of my sex drive as a result of not feeling connected with my H, but still I attempted to push those feelings aside and jump back into sex regardless. I dressed sexy, started flirting hard with my H, sexting...Our sex life went from once every few months to several times a week. I even opened up to trying new things in the bedroom. No doubt in my mind he loved this change in me, yet not enough to sustain a change in him.

I was reading the thread about "Can an EA enhance a relationship" and it got me thinking. Several posters agreed that it can, or that an eye opening experience of some sort can. I think at this point, my marriage may need an eye opening experience. I think the rut we are stuck in is so deep, it may take something drastic to get out of it.


----------



## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

sorry to hear that. Unfortunately hubby has built up resentments of his own about your pleas for help. Unfortunately that's a super difficult situation! did you ask him what it would take for him to feel motivated about your marriage? or if its even important to him? I cant agree with you about adultry because it will bury you guys further in resentments... what about straight up leaving him? maybe he has to realize what he has and know that your pleas for help are serious and not just to annoy him. 
=(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

I would leave him if I felt I were truly done, but just as an eye opener, we stand too much to lose financially. 

To hear him tell it, he IS motivated about the marriage. I say he's not the motivated type - about anything. He would rather withdraw or escape from something rather than tackle it head-on. Very, very passive.

I'm so tired and depressed with the whole 'hopeful one minute, disappointed the next' life that I'm stuck in.


----------



## mama4jesus (Sep 13, 2010)

Hi butterflykisses,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same place in my marriage as you are in yours. Our husbands both sound so much alike! I went through many years of loneliness, but in the last three years or so, tried everything I knew how to win him back from the tv and computer that he was making love to every night instead of me. I tried talking to him about it, I tried being more subservient to his wishes and needs, I would try and go sit very quietly next to him on the couch while he was watching tv, but he would shoo me away, making it clear that he didn't want me around. Finally, after I had had enough of his rejection, I let him go. I broke our connection in my heart, and stopped trying. After three years of seriously trying to fix us, I told him that when our lease is up in June that I wanted us to go our separate ways. That sent a jolt through him like nothing else ever did! He didn't realize just how much he'd hurt me after all those years, and wasn't listening to me when I pleaded for his attention and time. He said he'd change and give me whatever I wanted, which was time given to our children after he comes home from work, and time for us together after the children go to bed. Our sex life became nothing but quickies at 1am, and I was starting to feel like a used, cheap *****. No more of that! 

Unfortunately, although he's trying hard to change, it's proving harder and harder for me to go back there with him. I don't know how to give my heart to him again. Divorce wasn't an empty threat, and I had made my own plans and resigned to the fact that I would be a single mother. Now he wants me to go back to being his happy, sweet wife again. I told him that I want to be as honest as possible with him about what I am feeling, but I don't know how to tell him that no matter what he does at this point, it's too late. 

Do you have friends that you can go out with sometimes? Start spending time with your family and friends so you're not so lonely. I reconnected with some high school friends and now go out for drinks with them sometimes. If your husband wants to live his life in front of the tv, or whatever he does while he's ignoring you, that's his choice, but you have to live your life. Do you have a hobby you enjoy, or something that you'd like to do, but haven't in a long time? Go out and do it. Enjoy life! Don't sit around another night and fret about your husband. You can't change him, but you can change you! Do something that makes you happy, and start living again! I did, and I'm a much happier person for it.

Good luck to you!


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

mama4jesus, thanks for your post.

What you're going through is exactly what I was trying to avoid with my H, disconnecting in my heart just to have him decide to change. I have begged him to help me fix our marriage before it's too late. 

I told him I wanted a divorce but nothing I said or did sent a jolt through him like it did with your H. 

As far as hobbies and filling my life with other things, I did that for a few years. It helped for awhile but now, not so much. The loneliness is coming back as I realize, as atruckersgirl said, outside activities and hobbies will not make up for anything that is missing within my marriage.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hey Butterfly,
I'm so sorry you're in this spot right now. I was hoping that after your night apart a while back that he'd step up and start to do what he needs to in order to reconnect and rekindle your marriage. I agree with the previous posters that finding other activities will help but I don't think anything will truly fill the void of his attention and love. If you're feeling the void, then you still have feelings for him. Can you identify specifically what would help you to have this void filled? Is it more time with him doing activities? More kisses? More sex? More acts of service from him?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

BK, do you want change, or do you just want sympathy? I ask b/c it is very clear you are unwilling to do what really needs to be done--leave. HE may have already severed any connection, and unless you start moving on, you will never know. His lack of response to your comments divorce about divorce mean either that he really doesn't care, OR he doesn't take you seriously. 

You do not have to break the connection in your heart to leave--just do it. Finances are a poor reason to stay so miserable; being independent--no matter how poor--can feel a lot better than where you are now. And, you *might* find him running after you--but don't count on it. And even if he does run after you, it may be just to get you back, not to change and make things better. 

So, leave. Insist on counseling if he tries to stop you or wants to work things out. In the meantime, get counseling fo ryourself so you will stop being a victim, stop fearing being alone. As long as you are afraid to be alone, you will remain in a miserable marriage. I was in your shoes some time ago, and let me tell you, from the other side--the side that found courage--it is SOOOOOOO much better!


----------

