# My wife of 2 1/2 years cheated and is doing her own thing



## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

Hello, I have posted this several times in another forum but they are down and I am lost without any advice. Short story..
My wife and I are both 21 years old and got married right out of high school, yes young! We did everything together,worked at the same place and had a great relationship. Six months ago we bought our first home. My wife has always had low self esteem and it really did not help out that i followed along with her mom and also criticized her. Now, she is a completely different person and this is why. A month and a half ago her and her friend took a 4 day trip to Las Vegas. At one of the clubs she kissed a guy from Switzerland. As she arrived at the airport I knew something was wrong. The next day she wanted to go on vacation that weekend with her mother supposedly. What she did was play with my feelings and had me to the point of sobbing like a little girl to come back. I found out later that she had an affair and slept with the guy. After 2 more trips to Las Vegas and the 3rd to San Diego where the guy flew her out there she has been living a fantasy world. The guy is back in his country but I have been destroyed, left lonely and with a woman that I don't know. Stupidly enough we did continue being intimate a few times and she would tell me she loves me and that she knew I love her and that she just does not want to be tied up. Now all she does is go to clubs with her best friend and are like bread and butter together all the time. This friend of hers also cheated on her boyfriend and only God knows everything that happened. I have been trying to save my marriage, I love her more than anything. I know some of the emotional needs that I wasn't meeting for her. Sometimes we text eachother and have gone on a couple of dates. She tells me she loves me so much and wants to be with someone who she can be herself around and that person is me. She has changed her appearance so much and got a new gym membership at another gym since i had cancelled her. She has a personal trainer and told me she went to a bar with him. This all has me so emotional its crazy how I never thought I could be like this. I miss her so much and she has been living at her moms house. I feel like she is moving on so fast, yet I would like to mend my relationship with her mom since i had disrespected her and all of this contributed to our break up. I packed her belongings and placed them in our garage but she is yet to pick them up. I was really hoping she would go to church with me last sunday as she had offered but she said she was sorry and couldnt go until she is ready. Its like she wants to try again but is so confused and doesnt know what to do. All I know is that she would only text me when I know its late at night and her friend isnt around to comfort her. I really need to work on my self esteem because ive let her walk all over me. I am commited to the No Contact rule but it is so hard. I just don't know that in the situation I am in this would work. I want to show her that I am commited to her and our marriage can be stronger. What advice can you guys give me. Do I play it cool? I am so unconfident and all that keeps going in my mind is that she is dating her personal trainer eventhough she says he is not his type. My wife just wants to enjoy the party life and wants to meet other people. Her family supports me and wants us to get back together but in the end it is her decision. I have been trying to cope with my feelings. I feel lonely, specially this last week I had the flu, otherwise we wouldve been hanging out at least trying to work on things but maybe I am too hopeful. Should I keep the no contact rule by all means? I leave the country next saturday for 8 days to visit my sister and she has gone through almost the same thing. Thanks for any advice!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

She wants both worlds, your security and the single life. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough to help you with this. You need to be firm and tell her you are not interested in any kind of relationship with her until she quits the single life. You can't and shouldn't be emotionally dragged through the mud like this. If she won't do it, be prepared cut her loose, you deserve better. Plain and simple.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


youngman said:


> I am commited to the No Contact rule but it is so hard. I just don't know that in the situation I am in this would work. I want to show her that I am commited to her and our marriage can be stronger.


It sounds as though you've already expressed to her your commitment to work on your marriage. I don't think you can actively work on that if she is not willing.

If I were in your shoes, I would make it clear that if she wants to lead a single life, you are not interested in having an open marriage or hanging around in hopes she will change her mind. If she is willing to focus on the marriage, you are all for it, but if she is not you will do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.

Do you have kids?


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

Hi thanks for the advice i am so glad to hear it. We don't have any kids. I let her know that I am completely against an open marriage and I actually said that I wanted to go through with the divorce but that scared her. She left it at "we'll see when you get back from your trip". I am so scared of rejection I think that is one of my major issues.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

youngman said:


> I am so scared of rejection I think that is one of my major issues.


Better to face this rejection now than to have a marriage as she apparently defines it. If she won't commit it's best you end it. You'll be glad you did down the road.


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

I have not answered her text messages. To be honest it makes me feel good when she texts me and I dont answer. Today she let me know she was at the viewing for an elderly man we used to visit together. Should I try to contact her in lets say a couple of days to see how she has been or am i just setting myself up for more hurt. Today something great happened! After 3 months of looking for my senior dog, I went 4 houses down and knocked at the door to ask them since my father had heard her voice. Sure enough they had her and took excellent care of her. I am so happy she is back because I was thinking about getting a dog. Those neighbors host 20yr groups at church and I spent some time there with them. Its amazing how God places people in your life. I felt so lonely this morning and i feel so much better after this day. I am still thinking about her frequently and just need to stop! I can't bear to think that she is moving on but then again I keep asking God for strength so that I can be happy. I have been miserable these last 2 months and I need to stop obsessing about what she is doing. To be honest I do not think my marriage is worth salvaging but I believe if she changes and is willing to let me know that she is ready to go to counselling and church I will be able to work with her.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I would work on getting her back to a degree as long as there is any willingness on her part. Don't play games, don't be prideful. If you love her and want her back, encourage her to change and be your wife again. However, once you reach the point where you think she will not come back, then move on.


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

Her cousin from California emailed me letting me know that she spoke with her. She said that she did go out to eat with her trainer but that he is not her type. Also said that from listening to her she just wants to be alone for a while. As much as I dont want to, I think its better to throw in the towell and go no contact dont you think? I know what she is doing is searching for a guy that is her type. I told her cousin that I am not going to contact my wife anymore and that I am going to proceed with the divorce so that I can move on. I miss her terribly still and hope that I get the magic text where she wants to work things out but I don't think I will get there unless she knows what she is missing. This has been 1 1/2 months of playing games and I shouldve stopped all from the beginning. My feelings keep changing back and forth of stopping all contact to asking her if she wants to go out to eat in a few days which Im almost sure she will accept. A few weeks ago she texted me saying that we should "rekindle" things and that she wants to take a vacation with me somewhere random. I can't wait for this week to pass by since I leave for Colombia on Saturday for 8 days! Once again her family gave me the " If you love something set it free and if its meant to be its yours, if not it never was". My plan is to keep busy, paint my house today with my parents help and when I get back actually live in it and not stay at my parents. Any advice whether I should make contact before I leave or should I wait to see when I come back. How can I encourrage her to change, I wish she would get around good people.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

She wants the best of both worlds- and you are giving it to her. Why should she change when she can have you whenever she wants, but still go out and party when she feels like it? 

I think every person who is cheated on just wants everything to be ok, wants things to be fixed, wants the person to recommit to them, etc. But the cheater "coming back" and even recommitting to the relationship won't solve everything. For me, after the sadness, came a lot of anger. I was so angry that he would do this to us, to me, to our children that I almost didn't want him there anymore. I hated the thoughts that continually went through my mind of him being with another woman, etc. And most of all I hated that I didn't trust him at all. 

It may take some time for you to decide, but you do have to decide what YOU want. If you want her in your life, and think you can move past this, then let her know. But also let her know that x,y & z needs to change in order for this to happen. Let her know that you won't be the doormat waiting around for her to pick you. If she isn't willing to do those things, then you have to decide how you will deal with it. If her not willing to change is a dealbreaker, then you need to be ready to say that and stick to it. And you need to realize that she may come crawling back, saying she's ready to change. Think through if you would be willing to give her another chance or if it's too little, too late. 

Bottom line, she needs to know you are serious either way. She doesn't seem to be taking into account your feelings at all. She seems entirely consumed by her own selfishness- which is typical of a cheater. They are only in it for themselves and don't seem to think much about how their actions affect others. 

You can't do much about getting her to change- she has to want to. The best thing you can do is keep yourself busy, find hobbies to fill your time, and work on being the best person you can. In the end, she will notice and realize what she is missing out on, or she'll regret that she ever walked away. And you'll be happier in the end because you'll be a better person and you'll have found that you didn't need her to validate you in your life.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Some advise that I should have listened to from my counselor, attorney, friends and family. File for divorce and serve her the papers. Don't contact her at all!! Let her think your moving on and while your going through the beginning stages of the divorce, work on you. Go out and join a gym or do some activities that make you feel good about you. 

What this does is let her know your closing the door and she will have to really think hard about what that closed door means. If you let her play this her way, she will string you along for months and months until she knows what it is she wants. Cake and eat it too type of thing. She can have as many testing the waters with other men as much as she wants if she knows your sitting at home patiently waiting on her. 

Sorry I've heard the other side of the argument of pursuing and showing/demonstrating your undieing love for someone to win them back. Sadly your parents were right, if it was meant to be then she would not have went down the path she is going down. 

Just my two cents for what it's worth... Good luck man.


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

I was giving her both worlds trying to see if i could get to the bottom of her heart and I realized that she is just not the same person as before. She is not the caring, loving wife that would always be there for me. From what i've read about her personality type, her self steem is low and she wants to get attention from other men to make her happy. When we went out to eat a week ago she was thankful and made her more confused of what she wanted. She now knows that I am serious about this. I wanted to attempt to meet her needs but she is too far under the party spell to realize anything. I can't expect change to happen right away and I am moving on. Ive been keeping busy painting my house today and I am thankful that I have a place to fall back on and not have to live with my parents unlike my older brother. Ive learned to not take things for granted and I am so much more thankful for everything everyday. This is day no 3 of No Contact seems like a big achievement but It makes me sad that her texts arent there. I am constantly checking my phone for her text messages, not to reply her but because it gives me a good feeling knowing she is thinking about me at least. I believe I have left the ball in my court and i am pretty sure her cousin let her know that I am moving on. 

I leave this saturday and I don't know if to leave my house locked so that she can't get in. She really has no reason to go there, everything is mine and she already signed a document stating that. Her belongings are in the garage still, should I tell her to pick them up or is this a childish thing to do. She is doing her part on the mortgage and transfering the amount from her bank to that joint account every 15 days so I don't think it would be a good idea to block her access into the house. I am just so insecure right now that so many thoughts go through my mind and I don't want my house to be disrespected if you know what I mean. I know I repeat alot of the same things but I just can't get a grip pretty much. I will be updating : ) thank you all


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

This is day no 6 of NC, it is still so hard I miss her terribly. Why can't all of these thoughts get out of my head. I am going to the gym and hanging out with friends that helps but I still want to be with her. I have set a goal of NC for a month but I am scared that she will drift away and find another guy.


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