# "Affair" went on longer than I thought??



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I posted about this about a year ago. It feels like there is always a problem. But anyway... So I know for sure my husband has an emotional affair last summer. With his coworker. Knowing him, it was probably physical too but he would never admit it. I discovered the constant texting and phone calls June 20th of last year. It was texting all day. Constantly. He tried to delete all of them but I could see how often on our phone bill. We got in a huge fight. I left town ... Threatened to not close on our brand new home. It was a huge ordeal. He promised to stop ... So a few weeks later ... I see them texting again .. Not as much but it's there. I confronted him and he went crazy saying he would kill himself if I left and all this crazy crazy stuff. He swore he would never speak to her again. 
I believed him.... 
Time went on .. They worked together for a few more months. He got a new job in September. I felt relieved when he got a new job bc I knew he wasn't around her. 
Things slowly get better with us.... If you read my older posts you can see he's not like a super star husband or anything. But I guess you could say we worked on it. The pain of discovering the emotional affair is still there though. Sometimes I get triggers. 
For some reason last night, I decided to pull our call log from last fall (after the discovery) and I noticed they had talked on the phone a few times in November ... WAY after I thought they were done talking. A month or two after being at his new job. 


Now I'm wondering if the affair continued last summer even after I confronted him. They probably were able to keep it just at work (he worked in a town 30 min away) 

Ugh this is just driving me nuts. Idk why I can't get over it. 
If I am crazy for still obsessing over it don't be afraid to tell me lol


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

UGH! My dad likened it to going back for one last cigarette after you've decided to quit smoking. Hopefully it was just a drag. It takes awhile for people to change their behaviour. Who called who? He has no control over what she does.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

He called her. It was a 10 min. phone call. I feel like I will never be ever to let it go until he tells me the truth about what happened. 
I thought it all stopped way back in JULY and to see her number even ONCE on our call log in November pisses me off. 
Especially since he wasn't even working with her anymore at that point. 

I wish I just knew.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

thesky,

Then have your WH take a polygraph, there are secrets your WH and OW share to which you are excluded, your WH and OW have to give up these intimacies for your to move on and heal. It was an affair and the cheaters don't get to keep their special box of gift wrapped golden memories hidden away.

If you get everything out now, then when OW emails you with a new detail 5 years from now, you can email back I already know. 

Tamat


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You have to assume the worst, and decide if you can live with that. BUT him not being completely honest and transparant along with maintaining a strict No Contact policy with the OW is a huge red flag. The affair was never properly dealt with and resolved so how can you expect to heal?

He is only going to admit to what you have absolute proof of that is obvious. Did you have an agreement about him being in contact with the OW?

I don't buy adults that have physical access to each other keeping things to strictly an EA, it will go physical if they can find a spot alone and it doesn't have to be a hotel room. They will hook up in cars, parks, you name it...The one phone call you caught recently was probably a slip up in their new means of communication.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

yeah i mean i thought i made it pretty clear that i would NOT put up with him talking to her. at all. about anything. I remember how my husband was when we were dating. Which is the reason I think that it was physical. and i dont get why he will not tell me. I wish there was a way to get him to tell me so i can just get over it already. So that if someone tells me in the future, i can say yes I knew that. or if i get a trigger i dont have to spend all night researching the situation again.

yes, i agree that the phone call was a slip up. there was no reason for them to be talking in november. so he cant use work as an excuse. if he still worked there, he could say he had to call to see if she could work on this day or that day. or call to see if she would cover a shift. but there was no reason for them to be talking then.
is this even worth bringing back up?
he is acting like i am a crazy woman.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You made a big mistake allowing him to manipulate you with suicide threats. That wasn't someone who was particularly remorseful, and you sent the message that you can be manipulated and he doesn't have to deal with anything. 

At this point you're married to a cheat and a liar. You can decide to live with it or try to resolve it but if you choose option two you'd better be prepared to leave and not allow yourself to be manipulated because that's the only way you MIGHT get the truth out of him. Tell him he has one chance to come clean about everything and if you find our he's lying or leaving out anything the marriage is over. If he refuses file for divorce. .... you can always stop it if he comes clean but at this point he has little incentive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can ask your husband to tell you the last time he talked to her. Ask him how long they talked? Ask what they talked about?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

From what you have said, he has had at least two A's.

He is still lying to you and you have been posting about his treatment of you for at least a year.

He does not respect you. He is still lying and trying to make you think you are the crazy one.

He is still so self-centered. Look for some help. there are places like affair recovery online. If your H will not grow up and not be so self centered, and go with you to either some mc or ic, your situation will not get better. (maybe even worse)

You have one child with him. You may end up with more if you stay.

So have him pay for some counseling and see if he will try to save his family. Maybe he should stop the smoking for some time and try to pay for this help. 

I do not see him changing and growing up. 

If he will not pay for the help, you might see an attorney to see what your options are with your H. He sure does not sound like he has changed for the better. (at least if he is stopped all the texting and does not have a burner phone)

good luck to you.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> I confronted him and he went crazy saying he would kill himself if I left and all this crazy crazy stuff.


This is a classical form of manipulation. Remorseless, manipulative adulterers are too selfish to end their lives.




thesky1291 said:


> He swore he would never speak to her again.
> I believed him....


Here's a little knowledg for you, cheaters lie. They lie convincingly, effortlessly and unnecessarily.



kristin2349 said:


> BUT him not being completely honest and transparant along with maintaining a strict No Contact policy with the OW is a huge red flag.


I agree, in fact it's beyond a red flag.

With all your threats and leaving town he probably knew that he could get you back. You leaving town likely allowed him the space he needed with this other woman. He has not had to face any consequences and exposure so he has no reason to be truthful or change. He can basically do this again or whatever he wants because he knows there'll be no repercussions or negative effect to him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Regardless of what your husband says, admits, or whatever, for as long as they're still communicating, they're still in an affair.

Period.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's really good at manipulating you and you were too quick to believe him. Cheaters lie and deny -- even when faced with hard evidence -- so you're unlikely to ever know the whole truth. You have to decide if you can live with that.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

It is very likely that they kept in contact using different phones. He probably made the 10 min call during some emergency when the other burner phone wasn't available.


He got cheating and he manipulated you with a suicide threat. What an absolute wimp!!


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I think he's too dumb to have another cell phone but I do think they talked on the work phone. She was just part time and he would work night and/or day shift and was there a lot so I strongly believe that's how they communicated. But yeah that one call was probably an emergency type deal and they had no other way to tak bc that was after he started his new job. 
Btw I do remember a text saying something about "call me on the work phone" when I first discovered it 

So where do I go from here?? Keep pestering him about it?? What do I even say?? My counseling is Wednesday so hopefully that will help me as well.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> I think he's too dumb to have another cell phone but I do think they talked on the work phone. She was just part time and he would work night and/or day shift and was there a lot so I strongly believe that's how they communicated. But yeah that one call was probably an emergency type deal and they had no other way to tak bc that was after he started his new job.
> Btw I do remember a text saying something about "call me on the work phone" when I first discovered it
> 
> So where do I go from here?? Keep pestering him about it?? What do I even say?? My counseling is Wednesday so hopefully that will help me as well.



Have you read @weightlifter 's standard evidence post? Stop talking about it and start investigating. He probably has a burner phone or is seeing her in person and using the work phone. You need to put a VAR in his car. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

You seem to need actual confirmation beyond what you already have. Wasn't his coworker basically telling you enough?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I do want concrete evidence. I can see his call logs... I can't see his text message log now that we are with sprint. I wonder if it's worth switching back phone companies so I can see at least that (we had Verizon before). 
I used to be able to see his location too but now that he is back with an iPhone hes harder to track. I don't feel like he's cheating right now but yes I do think he has had at least two EAs. If not physical ones ...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You should be able to track him with his iPhone using "find my iPhone" but I'm sure he would just turn it off. Also if she has an iPhone calling and texting between two iPhones often doesn't show up on the bill.

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I do want concrete evidence. I can see his call logs... I can't see his text message log now that we are with sprint. I wonder if it's worth switching back phone companies so I can see at least that (we had Verizon before).


 Does he have WhatsApp, Skype, or other such app? If so he can text and phone her without it showing up on his bill as anything other than data transfer use.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Really it all comes down to you. What do you want to do? If you want to save the marriage then you must proceed accordingly. You must gather your evidence and when you believe you have sufficiently damning proof you must confront him and put forth an ultimatum. Either the affair stops and he goes no contact or you file for D tomorrow. When he tries to lie his way out of it, and he will, simply expose his lies with your evidence. He will at least see that your sleuthing abilities are formidable and may realize that continuing on in his deceptive ways may net him a D and a broken family. Also you must expose the A, if it is continueing, far and wide, especially to the OWs H/BF, if such exists. It is very important that you back up your words with decisive action if he continues to pursue his present course. If you are not ready to pull the D trigger then do not threaten it because it will substantially weaken your position if he continues and you do nothing. 

Conversely, if you do not care to R the M then contact your lawyer and start D proceedings. I would not necessarily try to break up any existing A because him thinking that he will have his freedom to fully pursue the OW may give you a tactical advantage in the D.

I must be honest by telling you that, from what you have posted about his behavior, it seems unlikely that he would change his ways. The threat of losing his M and family may cause him to fall in line but I fear it would be a temporary (faux) transformation and you may just be prolonging the inevitable. I do understand however, wanting to try to save your marriage, just be aware that unless HE wants the change as well, the prospects of a true R are slim and none, being much closer to none. Whatever your decision, I wish for you success and happiness.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I really do appreciate the replies. When confronting him today, he admits that he did continue talking to her. He then dug himself in a whole by saying that that one phone call was because she came to
visit the new place he worked at. Once he realized what he said he started saying "she just happened to walk in... I just said hey what's up" and I said... Ok so what does that have to do with you calling her?? And I would almost bet she was there on purpose. They didn't just run into each other. 
Then digs a deeper whole by saying " well I won't say I wasn't attracted to her but I didn't do anything!!"


Right... You were just friends with her for that long.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> I really do appreciate the replies. When confronting him today, he admits that he did continue talking to her. He then dug himself in a whole by saying that that one phone call was because she came to
> visit the new place he worked at. Once he realized what he said he started saying "she just happened to walk in... I just said hey what's up" and I said... Ok so what does that have to do with you calling her?? And I would almost bet she was there on purpose. They didn't just run into each other.
> Then digs a deeper whole by saying " well I won't say I wasn't attracted to her but I didn't do anything!!"
> 
> ...


If you are in the US you almost certainly live in a no-fault divorce state. You don't need more proof. You don't need any proof. You just need to file for a divorce. 

That means a lawyer. File and have him served. It will still take some months to become final and there are several agreements you have to come to.

But one of two things will happen when he is served divorce papers. He'll go crazy wanting you to withdraw the divorce papers and he'll agree to practically anything to get you to do it.

If you are convinced he means it, do it. What he may not realize is that you can reinstate the divorce whenever you want.

The other thing that can happen is that he'll let you file for divorce. That's your answer right there.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> When confronting him today, he admits that he did continue talking to her. He then dug himself in a whole by saying that that one phone call was because she came to
> visit the new place he worked at. Once he realized what he said he started saying "she just happened to walk in... I just said hey what's up" and I said... Ok so what does that have to do with you calling her?? And I would almost bet she was there on purpose.


 You look foolish when you say such things as "I would almost bet she was there on purpose". Of course she was there on purpose. He knows it, she knows it, and you know it. Since he "admits that he did continue talking to her", does he really think that you are suppose to believe the absurd notion that he never told her where he worked? When you confront him, apply logic over his lies and start immediately calling him out on his ridiculous false explanations. Common sense is your friend, and the only the only thing that you should rely on going forward.


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

She came to visit the new place that he works at? Really? Did he sound proud of the fact? What a slip that was. And what business pray tell did she have there?

You have received some good advice. I'd like to stress that you need a VAR. I wish that I had gotten one. It would have saved me the trouble of giving my WS back my trust. At some point during their 3 year affair I started believing the affair was behind us. That was before the Chlamydia. NoChoice and Sydney are spot on correct about divorce and evidence as well.

You sound like you would still like to patch things up though. To do that you will need him to stop the affair. Do you also keep a close watch on the bank activity? His odometer on his car can be logged and audited as well. Low tech works Sky. Do some checking up on this OW. What is her status? My second D-Day came courtesy of the other man's professed girlfriend. Apparently my wife had gotten possessive and manipulative and needed to be put in her place. You might receive hard evidence from the other betrayed partner.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

For all you know he is still have an A with her but it has just gone underground. Why is she visiting him at his new workplace, this is not on. If he was serious about making it up to you he would be bending over backwards to rectify this, cut all contact, etc
You have allowed it to fester as there have been no consequences at all. He has trickle truthed you non stop and got away with it. Do not trust this man.

It is good you are going to IC, this will help you deal with your emotions for now
Your WH is a manipulator, you now have to shut up and observe, this might take time. Play him at his own game. 
Keep a journal of everything said and times, incidents that feel off - use your gut
Place a VAR in his car - if he is still talking to her, it is likely he will do it in the car
Place a VAR in your home, where he would normally take calls
In the meantime start doing things for yourself , gym, make new friends, join a club

Be patient, you can do this.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

The ONLY reason I haven't left it because this whole situation happened almost a year ago. He keeps saying that too. And saying I'm bringing up old stuff. And that he's over it and tired of me bringing it up... He's the one that continued to lie. Like I said earlier I thought this affair was over way before it actually was. 

I will look into the vars!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

At this point I'm not sure why you're going to try to catch him. He's already dug a pit for himself as you said. All that's needed to be done is for you to cover him with the loose dirt and move on with your life. 

Lifeistooshort was right. Once he started talking suicide I'd have called the suicide prevention line immediately. That's a trademark tactic from a disordered mind to fear you back into the relationship and stomach any crap he flings. If you do something wrong,he'll kill himself. Yeah right. 

You fell for it, meaning you do fear losing him. It would be good for you to try and understand why you'd fear losing a man that would treat you with such disrespect.

How many more chances will you give him? When will your attention turn toward doing something kind for you?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

thesky1291

Workplace affairs are very difficult to end and discover. Knowing that puts you way behind in trying to see when and if it ended. They could have used workplace electronics to communicate or better yet in person all day long. At your husbands new employer this all continues and you are none the wiser. Now I'm not trying to upset you, rather I'm showing you what you are up against. Finding out the affair continued into his new employment is cause for concern. 

I am actually thinking the affair never stopped but don't run with what I think, I'm jaded. My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. My wife and OM had sex while at work and never used personal electronics. They used their work electronics that I could never see. My wife ended the affair but didn't confess until two and a half years later. I asked questions but of course I was lied too, I felt like I was crazy. 

I like Sydney's suggestion of filing for divorce, and the use of vars. the choice is yours, but if you want to shake your husband up, this is the route to take. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

It's not really that I'm scared to not be with him. I am just so busy. I work full time. I'm in sales, so it can be very stressful. I am a full time student. And we have a 3 year old. So I guess I'm hoping someone will tell me I'm just dreaming all of this... And just making it up. Bc I am so stressed anyway, idk how I can add more to the plate. 
i mean what if he really did just talk to her?? I'm so scared to end it if there's a chance nothing happened. I don't think he's cheating right now... Ahhhh


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> i mean what if he really did just talk to her?? I'm so scared to end it if there's a chance nothing happened. I don't think he's cheating right now... Ahhhh


 Even if "he's not cheating right now", based on his remorseless lying and cheating history, do you feel confident that he will not cheat ever again?


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

Sky,

My WH had an affair 7 years ago, while I was working two jobs and going to school trying to make our life better. She was someone he knew from high school, who was a SAHM and had all the time in the world to come meet him for lunch, etc. She was available whenever he wanted, his explanation was that I was "so busy he didn't think I loved him anymore". I forgave, we worked through it. Fast forward several years, we start having problems, the first thing he does is turn to some other girl he doesn't even know in real life, just someone he talks to on Facebook. Again this year, within 2 hours of us deciding to separate he's online talking to his first ex-wife. My point is, he will continue to push boundaries if you don't make your position clear. I didn't and feel horrible about myself for allowing someone else to treat me this way for years.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Boundaries.... That is what my counselor has been stressing to me. I didn't start seeing her again bc of the trust issues. I had actually just started to trust him again before I found out that they continued talking.
I went to her bc of our lack of connection. His selfishness in bed. He watches too much porn. And he smokes. 
She said it sounds as if I have not established boundaries. 
So we are working on that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Assume the moral high ground with him. It's common for a cheater to set you back on your heels by making you feel small or guilty for your concerns. Your WH does this with you by saying 'it was a long time ago,' etc.

Don't accept this. Say, 'You're the one who did this, not me. You've lied and cheated. If our marriage fails because of this, it is because of your actions.'

Period.

Don't allow him to bully or deflect.

(And I will tell you that I would bet that there is a lot more to this story than you know.)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Assume the moral high ground with him. It's common for a cheater to set you back on your heels by making you feel small or guilty for your concerns. Your WH does this with you by saying 'it was a long time ago,' etc.
> 
> Don't accept this. Say, 'You're the one who did this, not me. You've lied and cheated. If our marriage fails because of this, it is because of your actions.'
> 
> ...


*^ I agree. When he tries using "it was a long time ago" call BS on that. It isn't an old issue because it was never dealt with! Until you have the whole truth and he comes completely clean you can't heal and him continuing to lie is mental torture and you should treat it as such.

Please read up on how to investigate him properly with a VAR. You can't count on a cheater to be honest EVER. 

Sorry you are dealing with this. I posted a link to the Standard Evidence Post please read it and follow that advice. It worked for me.*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

First you need to put aside the notion that this was only an EA. There's just to much circumstantial evidence to the contrary. Enough to where it would be foolish to believe otherwise. Cheating men rarely fool around with an EA for that length of time; nor do they take the kind of risks he's taken - for an EA.

Given that, you should assume three things; he was in a PA, he's lied about it, and he has continued to deceive you about continuing contact. Perhaps it's time to start the divorce process - and see if that illicit's his full truthfulness and remorse. But be prepared to keep going with the D if it doesn't.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Smokes and watches porn?

A real turn off.

Has he ever spoke about changing his behavior and then done something about it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thesky1291, how are you doing?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> You should be able to track him with his iPhone using "find my iPhone" but I'm sure he would just turn it off. Also if she has an iPhone calling and texting between two iPhones often doesn't show up on the bill.
> 
> Read this:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html





badmemory said:


> OP,
> 
> First you need to put aside the notion that this was only an EA. There's just to much circumstantial evidence to the contrary. Enough to where it would be foolish to believe otherwise. Cheating men rarely fool around with an EA for that length of time; nor do they take the kind of risks he's taken - for an EA.
> 
> Given that, you should assume three things; he was in a PA, he's lied about it, and he has continued to deceive you about continuing contact. Perhaps it's time to start the divorce process - and see if that illicit's his full truthfulness and remorse. But be prepared to keep going with the D if it doesn't.


*I couldn't agree more! He's playing you for a "blue haze fool!" EA my backside! This has been going PA for a very long time now.

Even when you confronted him about the calling and it "miraculously " diminished, did it ever occur to you that he went to WallyWorld and got himself one of those prepaid burner phones and kept up communicating with her that way? The slip ups? That occurred when the burner phone was either misplaced or he hadn't paid enough money into it!

Being a narcissist of the highest degree, he thinks that you are preeminently dumber than a stump! It's time to really show him what "dumb" really is ~ file on his cheating a$$!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

thesky1291 said:


> It's not really that I'm scared to not be with him. I am just so busy. I work full time. I'm in sales, so it can be very stressful. I am a full time student. And we have a 3 year old. So I guess I'm hoping someone will tell me I'm just dreaming all of this... And just making it up. Bc I am so stressed anyway, idk how I can add more to the plate.
> i mean what if he really did just talk to her?? I'm so scared to end it if there's a chance nothing happened. I don't think he's cheating right now... Ahhhh


I can't offer you any more advice than what you've already been given, but I CAN relate to this. I was working full time when h had his affair in 2008. Mid-June ILYBINILWY speech, July 4 confession of infidelity (over the phone), got the speech the night before an important job interview, and before the semester I was due to take my general exams for my PhD. I have been working a full time job plus trying to write a dissertation, plus teaching a class on the side to keep my rental house and my financial dignity, while he took his retirement check up the street to the OW. He DID provide some financial assistance while he was living in his apartment and then moved in with OW, and then he came home. Then he filed for divorce, one tried it online and didn't follow through (but the threat was enough, and I discovered in on February 13, the night before Valentine's Day - he LOVES to blow up holidays), and then he filed again, got to the wire, didn't show up in court and wanted to dismiss the divorce and come home. 

Now, he's filing again and I am not letting him, if he changes his mind, off the hook; if he dismisses the divorce again I'll file. If he doesn't file in three weeks, I'll file. Why? Because the fear is gone!

Where was my fear? One, that I was already working every spare minute I had on school and work, and I didn't have the ability to absorb the emotional impact of everything that would happen as a result of a divorce and keep all the pieces of my life together. 

I am convinced that part of what my drove h to his OW was his physical issues; he refused to accept he was aging, and his mental issues, as he spends more time depressed than not, and her drama and drinking and screaming at the neighbors and he intercepts the police who are called out feeds his need for drama, for his protector status, and it makes him feel alive; and finally, the third thing that drove him to OW was that I was making progress in life, making plans for a future, plans for us to settle near my family or his to spend the rest of our lives instead of being so far away from everyone. This was a goal we shared, or I thought we did. As he said, all he wanted to do was f**k. 

So look at your fear of dropping the ball, and realize that if you deal with his chit and get him out of your life, you can finish your degree, you can give your job what it needs, you can give your child what s/he needs, and you can give YOURSELF what YOU need. I held all this crap together, gave my h every opportunity to reconcile, watched as he would come home, want to be home, promise to be home, want to work on the r, and then collapse when he walked about the door 7 to ten days later in a fog of depression. My h has never once said he loves the OW; he told me he didn't want support her and her kid, he didn't want play happy families, he just wanted to f**k her. 

When my h moved out in July of 2008, my house was quiet; it was like a raging spirit had left. When my h left my house again recently after being here briefly, it was like a raging spirit had left. 

DON'T put your life at risk, and all your accomplishments, for a guy who just wants a f**k-buddy and wants you to be okay with it.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

drifting on said:


> thesky1291
> 
> Workplace affairs are very difficult to end and discover. Knowing that puts you way behind in trying to see when and if it ended. They could have used workplace electronics to communicate or better yet in person all day long. At your husbands new employer this all continues and you are none the wiser. Now I'm not trying to upset you, rather I'm showing you what you are up against. Finding out the affair continued into his new employment is cause for concern.
> 
> ...


Sky, I agree with all this. My took up with his OW at work. I dropped by there one day to say goodbye to my h as I was leaving for my home state for a family event, and his coworkers acted weird, uncomfortable. They said he was on a run, but he was OW's house boinking. They were both drivers for an auto parts store. How they didn't get fired I don't know. A nice woman who worked there told me later that she had confronted my h and said it was wrong the way OW was pulling him in and using her three-year-old kid to get h attached, so I asked this friend, it never occurred to ANY of you to call ME and tell me it was happening? 

But i totally get that gathering all this evidence is just one more thing to add to your list and a huge distraction and I tend to agree with Satya; at this point, the affair is pretty far gone. Believe me, I remember the first time someone said, you might want to be on the lookout for evidence of OW. Oh, not him, I said, he'd never do that, he's been cheated on before, he wouldn't do that to me. And I agree with all the folks suggesting IC. I went into IC the second week after bomb drop, and upped the number of sessions after the infidelity confession. I don't know how I would have survived without it. 

Hang in there. You'll figure this out.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

free2beme14 said:


> Sky,
> 
> My WH had an affair 7 years ago, while I was working two jobs and going to school trying to make our life better. She was someone he knew from high school, who was a SAHM and had all the time in the world to come meet him for lunch, etc. She was available whenever he wanted, his explanation was that I was "so busy he didn't think I loved him anymore". I forgave, we worked through it. Fast forward several years, we start having problems, the first thing he does is turn to some other girl he doesn't even know in real life, just someone he talks to on Facebook. Again this year, within 2 hours of us deciding to separate he's online talking to his first ex-wife. My point is, he will continue to push boundaries if you don't make your position clear. I didn't and feel horrible about myself for allowing someone else to treat me this way for years.


My h was retired military and had worked for a contractor for about ten years. The first five, he was in one place, then we moved, for two years, then came here. When this contract ended he didn't want to move. So he took a part time job after his kidney stone procedures which were the beginning of the end of his sanity and our marriage. The thing he liked about her was that she didn't WANT to work. She was a single mom, married three times, with two kids that had reached 18, so she'd had another one and the guy she was trying to trap didn't play, and kicked her to the curb. Her child support made the house payment, and she was looking for a man to fill in the rest. So she was available to him, to play, all day every day, weekends at the lake, drinking and playing most of the time. 

People, especially in midlife crisis, tend to affair down. I actually feel sorry for my h and his choices, but I had no clue what was happening, and was unable to put down any boundaries. He told me he had stopped seeing her, he said his confession to me was cathartic, but 7 years later, he's still with her. That MAY not happen for you, but my advice is, don't look down the road, deal with the real, what is right in front of you. Take your time and gather what evidence, and know that you don't have to make a decision about what you want to do in the heat of emotion; in fact it is advisable NOT to make a life-changing decision that impacts your future when you're emotional. But just know that if you need insert order into the chaos that is your life right now, with all you're juggling, you need to know what's up, what you're dealing with, and then you can decide how you're going to handle it. An IC can help.


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