# a weigh scale for Xmas? wtf?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

My husband bought a weigh scale for "the family" for Xmas. He has been hinting around the fact that I have gained weight and I have since our seperation last year. I am 52 but not unatrractive or obese by an means. There was a previous thread about him pocket dialing me three weeks ago when he was in Vegas. He accidently called our home number and left a recording of himself and a co-worker talking about a womans huge boobs at a convention they were at. We had a very large blow up about that VM because it is him talking extensively about how big her "topography" was when he was talking to her. Fastward to Xmas and he buys a weigh scale. Now I am resentful that he is encouraging me to lose weight. He asks if I should be eating something (pistachios while watching TV).

I am feeling more and more resentful towards him. He has balded over the years yet says he can't help that. I could nag him about the hair on his back and his yellow teeth as well as his current income but I don't. The issues resulting in the seperation were extreme and quite traumatic also leaving me feeling not good enough. He blames my mother for these feelings I have because she was demanding while I was leaving at home.

Do you think I warrant the feelings of not feeling good enough when I have caught him several times talking and looking at large chested woman and then buying a weigh scale at Xmas and hinting I need to lose weight.

What is going on here really? Is this love...he says he wants me to be healthy and not get fat like my sister. We are taling 15 lbs here due to middle age and lack of excercise thats all. 

He makes me feel bad about myself.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

wow....maybe buy him some of that rogaine foam and give it to him and compliment other men when you are out with him and say how sexy their hair is??!! Just kidding! That was kinda rude. I can see if you guys were planning some kind of family "healthier lifestyle" that the whole family was going to do, but to just buy you a scale and say that you've gained some weight?? I think that is rude. And only 15 pounds?? Honey i'm 31 and since having my son 2 1/2 yrs ago I still have about 25lbs to get rid of!! 15lbs is nothing. I'm sure you are beautiful and he should be appreciating you no matter what size you are!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I just feel that everything he has put us through the last three years makes me VERY resentful for feeling inadequate for him right now. I am not really that fat I think this is more about him then me. I think he really desires other woman and he wants me to look like them. I don't expect that from him. He looks fine to me balding and yellow teeth and all. He's not perfect either why is he so intent on having a perfect wife?


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

Are you guys separated now or were you before. And if so what was the reason for it if you don't mind me asking. Maybe he is having a mid life crisis or being influenced by some of the men he works with? Men can be total a-holes when they are with other men trying to show off


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

we seperated because i found a set a pictures on our home computer of him that were meant for a profile on a swinger website and then I broke into his hotmail account and found out he was meeting men to receive oral sex. The marriage imploded from that point on. We seperated for a year and are now together again for the last 6 months. The VM message found on our home phone of him talking about a womans big boobs set us into another tail spin and now the weight loss issues are leaving me feeling so deflated and inadequate.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

oh my. that would be heartbreaking! I'm sorry you went through that! Has he stopped completely and are you sure that he isn't still doing things like that and hiding it from you? I know myself that it would be really hard to be able to trust him if he did something like that. He really needs to work on rebuilding your trust with him and not pulling stunts like this


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I feel the marriage broke down mainly because of his gross acts. I will never fully trust the man ever again and try to cope on a daily basis. The recent pocket dial on our VM reconfirmed his character although I am rationalizing it as "guy talk"....but it still hurts to hear. ..and now he wants me to lose weight. I feel he should be working harder at winning me back. A weight scale at Xmas is really making me think what am I doing here?


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

I agree with you. it sounds like he is one of those men that thinks he always deserves better and nothing is ever good enough. I'm sorry to say that, please don't get offended because I don't know him or you, but that is kinda what it sounds like. But I definately think that you deserve better than that!! You should be made to feel special, not inadiquite.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What a cheap blow as a gift. I really don't understand men, so I really don't know if he knew how bad it would make you feel. Geeze, I'm really sorry. 

Recieving oral and "just looking" are two very different things. Just looking is okay as long as there are no intentions of receiving/having sex of any kind. Talking to others about other women would imply to me that he is not putting a lot effort into saving your marriage. I would of blown up also. Your feelings of being inadequate are very understandable. Your husband needs to learn how to have respect for you. I do wish you the best. The scale is such a low blow. I'd be horrified if my husband gifted me in that manner, even if I didn't have a spine injury and was able to exercise. I just don't see any respect given to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sledge hammer to the thing will make you feel better than posting, much cheaper than therapy.
Ahhhhh, but I've matured since my wedding and engagement ring smashing days...
You could drive by a Goodwill drop off and leave it there if you are of the sort that likes to recycle things. 
OR
My first thought was to return it and buy yourself some lingerie with the $. 
ORRRRRRRR
Return it for money and take the money to a food pantry or a soup kitchen and donate the cash.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi amanda ~

Are you two in any kind of counseling since his cheating and the reconciliation? I think that as the one that stepped out, so to speak, he should be doing some really serious heavy lifting as part of the reconciliation to show that he is committed to the marriage.

And the scale that he referred to as a 'family gift'. I would take it back and get something that the whole 'family' could really enjoy. 

Best wishes.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am "weighing" my options...when I break it down it always comes back to a lack of respect. I came back into the marriage with an openness and moving forward attitude...however just not feeling he is in it for the right reasons anymore. It feels strained. I don't think I am what he "really" wants and desires anymore and this is how it manifests itself. He wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model. That is not going to happen is it? I think I will go to therapy again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amanda,

Well you could try the Victoria Secrets thing... go get a complete make over, act like an entitled model and make sure to spend a lot of money on your new make over and wardrobe. I now of a woman who did this and it turned her marriage around. 

Either try that or leave him. At least if you did the makeover first you'd be a hot babe with a new look and wardrobe. :lol:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I see the men have stayed clear of this one lol.

Did you tell him (calmly) how you felt about the scale? I can't even imagine something like this happening to me, to be honest. If it did, I can tell you that scale would get returned to the store pronto!

Losing weight and supporting each others goals is one thing. Being inconsiderate and imo, disrespectful, is another thing entirely. I do believe it's important to keep our spouses attracted to us (physically and mentally) but reading your other threads, it doesn't sound like you're being treated well at all. Put a stop to it. Demonstrate how you expect to be treated. 

It sounds you have lost your confidence. I don't know how you build that up again, but I'd imagine it's just one step at a time with remembering your own self-worth and implementing positive behaviors that show this. Don't let yourself be a victim. If something isn't cool with you, then express that to him. And I don't mean scream and throw a tantrum. It's about being in control of yourself, answering to yourself, and knowing you deserve more than this. If you want to lose weight, then do it. Don't fall into the trap of playing victim to resentment either - try not to emotionally eat "I'll show him" and gain even more weight. Treat yourself with respect and love, in all aspects of your life. Sure, easier said than done but still doable.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

He sounds like a jerk. For Valentines Day buy him a tube hair growing goop, a pack of extenze, and some tooth whitening strips.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

oh yaaaa! that would be funny and include a card saying how much you want him to feel good about himself!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> What is going on here really? Is this love...he says he wants me to be healthy and not get fat like my sister. We are taling 15 lbs here due to middle age and lack of excercise thats all.


When a guy says he just wants you to be "healthy", its just guy talk for, "Your losing sexual attraction."

Its normal for men to react this way, and I think if he hasnt been pestering you, he thought it was being polite by making the purchase.

Id suggest you go for a walk, and cool down--*A LOT*-- because, even though its hurtful, he didnt mean it that way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

But for Christmas that's very sad. Usually a person gets something for Christmas that they like, something that reflects their personality and a special gift that the giver is recognizing. Not to correct a flaw that's perceived that bothers them (the giver). A gift like that would make me cry and I don't blame the OP if she does. I mean, I'd be angry on the surface but really I'd just want to curl up and cry. But I wouldn't do it because it would give the H the satisfaction of seeing feelings hurt and then saying I was 'sensitive'. But I would feel incredibly alone getting a gift like that from a husband, someone who is supposed to be close and intimate. It makes me want to cry just reading about it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Oh for [email protected] sake Amanda, how much more of this "man" are you going to take? He has repeatedly cheated on you and makes YOU feel bad about it.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

How stupid can you get.....really. Sounds like a real pecker head to me!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Yardman said:


> He sounds like a jerk. For Valentines Day buy him a tube hair growing goop, a pack of extenze, and some tooth whitening strips.


Don't leave out the wax for his back.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

We all want the best for each other, but it's unhelpful to call people stupid and to swear when offering support.

Her emotions have been toyed with, don't you get that? It is a symptom of abuse that she is confused about this gift. A person who could think normally and be in touch with her feelings of course would see that being hurt in a relationship is not okay in this way. But people who have been abused become confused. Yes, it is clear to you what she 'should' do, but taking action is not so clear cut when you are with someone who has the character of her husband. 

My supporters always have to remind me of the cycle of violence and the undermining of confidence, etc. AND I have had a year of therapy under my belt AND I left my husband. And yes, I was stupid to go back, and grateful that nobody swore at me and said I was stupid. I would have felt even less confidence in doing what I had to do. Nobody wants to hear they're in any way incapable of making good decisions when they have a decision to make. Now it is my turn to ask WTF? Although, to be honest, I would have liked to have the OP ask this of people who use swears and call her stupid when trying to help her. yes it is frustrating when it is clear what she should do and how horribly he has treated her, but she does not deserve that kind of 'help'.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, this is definitely a joke gift idea for the missus on valentines day hehe! Hell I should hire a cameraman to film her reaction.

But "gifts" or pranks such as this are normally followed up a real romantic gift. But considering he did that, why not just get him some pee-pee pills to get him back?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I see the men have stayed clear of this one lol.
> 
> Did you tell him (calmly) how you felt about the scale? I can't even imagine something like this happening to me, to be honest. If it did, I can tell you that scale would get returned to the store pronto!
> 
> ...


No way to help her. Sounds like her H is a real jerk yet she takes him back. And then posts about him being a real jerk. She probably hasn’t felt enough pain or been knocked down enough times to leave him for good plus she’s probably really in love with him. Nothing to be done about that at all.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

While I agree that it was a sh*tty thing for him to do, I don't believe that revenge has any place in a real marriage. So I don't think you should get him a gift intended to insult or demean him.

I would do as other posters have suggested and return it and use the money to buy something that you would have liked to have received. When he asks where the scale has gone (and he surely will), tell him what you did.

Or if it can't be returned, return it to him and tell him that you don't appreciate the gift or the sentiment in which you perceive it was given and that he can keep it himself [and still buy yourself something you would have like to receive and show him what you bought as an example for his next gift-giving attempts].

I've told a gift giver that I appreciated the fact that they would give me a gift, but that the gift itself cheapened the sentiment and that I would prefer that they not get me anything at all than to gift me something that is insulting.

I don't agree that your H didn't know what message he was sending to you when he purchased that gift. He knew exactly what he wanted to say and that's exactly the message that you received. It was a hateful thing to do.

Lastly, you can't change how he feels, no more than he can change the fact that you are insulted by how he feels. He would like a slimmer wife. You don't have to be slimmer. And he can make the choice of what he would prefer, to love the wife he has in her current form or to have no wife at all.

Only you can determine when enough hateful, demeaning behavior is enough. Think on this -- if your marriage (and his behavior and treatment of you) never got any better than it is right now, would you be able to live with it for the rest of your life?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, this is definitely a joke gift idea for the missus on valentines day hehe! Hell I should hire a cameraman to film her reaction.


The film could also be used as evidence to exonerate her at trial after she kills you with it... :lol:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like he didn't have to do anything to get you back. Why should he? You took him back anyway. 

And now you expect him to respect you?

You TEACH someone how to treat you. 

And you've taught him that you don't deserve respect.

Move out til he gets some help.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Trenton said:


> In just reading more of what you've been through...I highly recommend you leave him for good. You DESERVE BETTER. NO DOUBT.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> The film could also be used as evidence to exonerate her at trial after she kills you with it... :lol:


:rofl:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> No way to help her. Sounds like her H is a real jerk yet she takes him back. And then posts about him being a real jerk. She probably hasn’t felt enough pain or been knocked down enough times to leave him for good plus she’s probably really in love with him. Nothing to be done about that at all.


Well, you know what they say, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I filed today for divorce from my abuser and it took me a long time. But nobody swore at me or called me stupid. You know what did it, a pat on the back from my landlord, who is a police officer and told me that he had held his tongue when I took my H back but is glad that I decided to stick to my original plan because he really is an abuser (not just a jerk or a sweet and sensitive guy who 'doesn't understand women'). 

Really, if you can't be supportive, try a different thread.
It's sooooooo easy to be blunt and solve everything from a distance. I have a master's degree, I used to make 50K a year, owned my own real estate. Had confidence, clarity of thought. Abuse is very difficult emotionally and psychologically to escape from. If it weren't then well abuse wouldn't be able to happen. People would leave. Physically to leave is very tricky too. There are finances to think of, and often children, pets, tons of paperwork to think about, documents you have to have. And you know how much REAL support there is out there in the real world? The economy is trashed. If you're not PHYSICALLY INJURED and you appear to be capable of working, you better be able to muster up a stiff upper lip before leaving. Then there is the explaining. Or telling. You could choose to tell someone and then they deny your story, question the reality of what happened to you, and that's crazy-making. It could take a WHOLE DAY to recover from someone telling you that you're stupid, especially if your abuser says the same thing to you. arrrrrrrrrrgh.

Yes, she will leave when she is ready to leave, when she decides to leave, when she understands that he is not going to change, that the miracle she is looking for is her own two feet. That she will be able to think clearly and gain confidence the minute she leaves. 

I posted about my H and it took me a while to decide to leave him, I questioned even what had happened becauase it just seemed so wrong, so against what he would say over and over again his intentions were. I could not believe I was married to such a horrible person, that I was capable of making such a huge judgement error about someone and had lived more or less under a grand delusion, for several years. I thought maybe he was right, that I was crazy, imagining things. Fortunately he went away for a year (deployment) and I got healthy and now yes, he is a buffoon, his abusive tactics are clear. I believe my reality. But I did question it and took him back for several months. If you have not been through this then don't think it is so very simple as you make it out to be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HNU, congratulations! I'm so happy for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, you know what they say, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I filed today for divorce from my abuser and it took me a long time. But nobody swore at me or called me stupid. You know what did it, a pat on the back from my landlord, who is a police officer and told me that he had held his tongue when I took my H back but is glad that I decided to stick to my original plan because he really is an abuser (not just a jerk or a sweet and sensitive guy who 'doesn't understand women').
> 
> Really, if you can't be supportive, try a different thread.
> It's sooooooo easy to be blunt and solve everything from a distance. I have a master's degree, I used to make 50K a year, owned my own real estate. Had confidence, clarity of thought. Abuse is very difficult emotionally and psychologically to escape from. If it weren't then well abuse wouldn't be able to happen. People would leave. Physically to leave is very tricky too. There are finances to think of, and often children, pets, tons of paperwork to think about, documents you have to have. And you know how much REAL support there is out there in the real world? The economy is trashed. If you're not PHYSICALLY INJURED and you appear to be capable of working, you better be able to muster up a stiff upper lip before leaving. Then there is the explaining. Or telling. You could choose to tell someone and then they deny your story, question the reality of what happened to you, and that's crazy-making. It could take a WHOLE DAY to recover from someone telling you that you're stupid, especially if your abuser says the same thing to you. arrrrrrrrrrgh.
> ...


I’d say the same thing to anyone being abused by their spouse tolerates it and stays with them, sometimes it can be the wakeup call they need. If the abused don’t tolerate the abuse then the abuse ends.

It can take a lot to step out of a marriage and make it ahead on your own and leave a loved one behind. It can be the harder thing to do, be in no doubt that I know that. But tolerating abuse just gets you more abuse, it’s not rocket science.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I’d say the same thing to anyone being abused by their spouse tolerates it and stays with them, sometimes it can be the wakeup call they need. If the abused don’t tolerate the abuse then the abuse ends.
> 
> It can take a lot to step out of a marriage and make it ahead on your own and leave a loved one behind. It can be the harder thing to do, be in no doubt that I know that. But tolerating abuse just gets you more abuse, it’s not rocket science.


I'll stand by my feeling and my emotional truth that it just comes across as unhelpful at best and more abuse at worst. I don't think you understand the trauma that abuse causes to women. I have an IQ of over 150 and am accomplished and capable. And yet, I was abused for over 4 years and even had a very grave health issue and started individual therapy by being tricked into it. My H was deployed and I started to feel better. Imagine my surprise when a marriage counselor visited me at home and handed me a book on abuse. I thought at first she was giving it to me because *I* was an abuser!!!! That's how far gone my thinking was under the abuse, it was that serious. I could not see it. I had it in my mind that I loved my husband and that even though he did not always come across as being nice, he meant well and that I could believe him when he said he loved me. So I found a way to excuse his behavior while subconsciously altering my behavior, more and more and more and more until I was trapped in a very narrow range of behavior patterns and choices in any given day of what I could do and not encounter accusations of cheating, because my husband was so insecure. Gag me!!!!!!!!!!!

Telling someone who is being abused that they are stupid is NOT going to help. AT ALL. It is not a wake up call. It makes YOU feel better by making you think you are taking a stand and doing something helpful. It would be better not to say anything at all and pray instead, or to ask someone who is a praying person to do that. Because to escape and to recover from abuse takes a miracle, not a statement from a bystander.

And ummmmm, NOW, I am feeling a tad abusive. But I am serious. Unless you have dealt with abuse and how it can be seriously mind-bending, literally mind-bending... the effort and courage it takes not to leave, but to confront this disturbing time-continuum altering new reality is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Think of how you would feel if you time-traveled somewhere, had a completely different life, had kids, had sex, had a job and marriage, and then poof, back into another reality where you don't know the rules, or knew them but didn't play that game and so you are on the sidelines and everyone else seems to know what they are doing. You are in the same place, physically, your face is the same, people call you the same name, and yet, you are in a different place. Some people even don't even seem to recognize the nightmare of a horror you've been living in for so long...so did it happen? All of that is very, very scary. You have to be willing to go crazy in order to escape from abuse. It is most definitely an act of desperation to leave. Otherwise there would not be enough courage. You are asking someone whose confidence and sense of reality has been undermined, to make a decision that requires confidence and a firm sense of reality. From YOUR perspective it does seem simple. But how the heck does she know if she should believe you or believe what her husband tells her and shows her? You only exist as pixels on a screen. At least use supportive words.

Such as, "praying for a miracle insight for you". Or 'sending you the ability to hold onto your moment of clarity so that you can make a decision'. Or 'next time you feel upset, take a walk and think about how you really feel about what happened'. Or, 'how could that situation have gone differently that might have made you feel more hopeful about it?' I really commend the male therapist who met with me once a week and then twice a week. You know what? He NEVER told me I was being abused, never told me to leave my H. When I last saw him and announced my decision along with the fact I'd rented a place and hired movers on a certain date, he surprised me entirely by asking me 'what took you so long?' ABUSE was never discussed at our meetings. Instead, he would say, let's talk about you. He worked at one of the best government facilities for psych care in the country, and for once, I think the government is onto something good in that way.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Amanda, I wondered about you before this. I saw your original post about your H getting oral from men, and then I lost track. I'm so sorry things are still so unpleasant. 

Two things: first, remember that no one "makes you feel" a certain way. How you think about their behaviors is what determines how you feel. For example, if you saw the scale and thought, "OMG, he is such an A*S," you would not feel bad about yourself; you might ask yourself, "why am I continuing to stick with such an A*S?"

2nd, his behavior does suggest that he is not content with the woman he married. Remember, this is NO reflection on you--it is HIS issue that he thinks he is entitled to oral sex from guys or women with huge breasts or skinny, "gym rat" types of women. Totally his issue, if he is so shallow that 15 lbs makes such a difference in how he feels about you. His behavior says to ME that he has huge issues to resolve--and I personally would not want to stick it out. I have no problem with someone being bi-sexual; I just wouldn't want to risk a relationship with someone who is so unsettled and likely to cheat and give me some awful STD. 

IF you get enough good out of the relationship, you might decide that you can view his issues sympathetically--that is, you can support him while he struggles with them, but you will *not* "own" his problems. You could lovingly support him while he works through his apparent sexual confusion or disatisfaction. You could decide that you would be willing to accommodate some of his sexual desires--or not. It is totally up to you, and you don't have to judge yourself or even him. 

But you also do not have to continue to support him through all this. The STD issue alone--not to mention the lack of trust and the real issue of fidelity with someone as confused as him--are more than enough to decide it is more than you choose to continue to bear. He's an adult and is perfectly capable of taking care of himself--if he so chooses. 

Another person recently wrote here that she didn't know if she'd be happier single, but she knew she would not be *unhappier.* That sounded really wise to me, and probably b/c I agree--I left my marriage knowing that I might not end up happier, but it was worth leaving b/c I would be fine alone and would then have a greater *chance* of happiness, either alone or with someone else. Once I realized alone would be just fine, and certainly no worse than where I already was, I felt a huge sense of relief. It's been ove 2 years now and I have never once regretted it. 

Good luck, whatever you decide and remember, his "desires" or whatever do not mean that YOU are in any way deficient!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'll stand by my feeling and my emotional truth that it just comes across as unhelpful at best and more abuse at worst. I don't think you understand the trauma that abuse causes to women. I have an IQ of over 150 and am accomplished and capable. And yet, I was abused for over 4 years and even had a very grave health issue and started individual therapy by being tricked into it. My H was deployed and I started to feel better. Imagine my surprise when a marriage counselor visited me at home and handed me a book on abuse. I thought at first she was giving it to me because *I* was an abuser!!!! That's how far gone my thinking was under the abuse, it was that serious. I could not see it. I had it in my mind that I loved my husband and that even though he did not always come across as being nice, he meant well and that I could believe him when he said he loved me. So I found a way to excuse his behavior while subconsciously altering my behavior, more and more and more and more until I was trapped in a very narrow range of behavior patterns and choices in any given day of what I could do and not encounter accusations of cheating, because my husband was so insecure. Gag me!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Telling someone who is being abused that they are stupid is NOT going to help. AT ALL. It is not a wake up call. It makes YOU feel better by making you think you are taking a stand and doing something helpful. It would be better not to say anything at all and pray instead, or to ask someone who is a praying person to do that. Because to escape and to recover from abuse takes a miracle, not a statement from a bystander.
> 
> ...


Careful, you’re projecting one heck of a lot and as far as your beliefs about me are concerned you have most certainly managed to delude yourself, even with that high IQ of yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe so, but she knows a heck of a lot more about this issue than you seem to. All of it spot on. My husband wasn't actually abusive, just controlling and passive aggressive, but it was enough to convince me I was worthless, couldn't make a right decision, and had to be careful not to upset him. To this day, 30 years later, if I hear him pull into the driveway and I'm on the computer, reading, or otherwise relaxing, I jump up and pretend I've been working...all to keep him from saying, simply, 'So what did YOU get done today?'

Abuse is a very subtle thing. And it's the one thing, even over addictions, that you can't just tell someone to stop accepting.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> Maybe so, but she knows a heck of a lot more about this issue than you seem to. All of it spot on. My husband wasn't actually abusive, just controlling and passive aggressive, but it was enough to convince me I was worthless, couldn't make a right decision, and had to be careful not to upset him. To this day, 30 years later, if I hear him pull into the driveway and I'm on the computer, reading, or otherwise relaxing, I jump up and pretend I've been working...all to keep him from saying, simply, 'So what did YOU get done today?'
> 
> Abuse is a very subtle thing. And it's the one thing, even over addictions, that you can't just tell someone to stop accepting.


It’s your choice to stay with him, nobody else’s.

I've gone through something like two years of deep emotional challenges sometimes nightmares after I left my wife. Believe me it's not easy leaving, I’m just about getting back to my inner peace and contentment. After over 4 decades with my wife it’s taken a very long time. It doesn’t help that I still love her and it doesn’t help that I want to help her. But some of us get to a point where we simply cannot take anymore and would rather the pain of separating than the pain of staying together with the certainty that they will not change. So don’t you preach to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I left my ex and he was abusive and horrible to me. Looking back I can see even MORE red flags (now that I know more about that stuff).

It took me 6 months to leave because I had to save money.

You can't say it's difficult for every woman to leave, etc, etc. It's not. I was with him for 2 years, we had a child, and I still left.

I had enough of that crap growing up.

My best friend is going through something similar but it's not going well. She won't leave...she makes excuses. It's sad and irritates me. Hopefully it won't get so bad that she ends up in the hospital, but lord knows. her husband is nuts.

It's all about choices. I didn't want my daughter seeing me be abused. I didn't want her to think men are that way. Hell no. I did what I had to do and struggled for a few years before I was financially ok. i just never went out lol.

My ex is still abusive, but not to me  He realized that when I left. It was not ok.

People can make all the excuses in the world about why the person is that way, or why they stay, etc...but it just comes down to choice. If you stay, and you get abused more, well, that is your fault.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I feel bad that you guys have so little compassion for people who have less mental strength than you.

I'm VERY intelligent. I KNOW what should be done. But that doesn't make up for a dysfunctional childhood that hardwired my brain to do certain things, even if they harm me. I can read every book in the library (and nearly have), I can take years of therapy, I can take ADs to give me strength, and my gut reactions are still there, keeping me from making better choices. And then I hate myself even more, for KNOWING what I should be doing, and finding myself incapable. It is NOT that easy. *shakes head*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one said it was easy.

But it was my only choice. My kid deserved better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> I feel bad that you guys have so little compassion for people who have less mental strength than you.
> 
> I'm VERY intelligent. I KNOW what should be done. But that doesn't make up for a dysfunctional childhood that hardwired my brain to do certain things, even if they harm me. I can read every book in the library (and nearly have), I can take years of therapy, I can take ADs to give me strength, and my gut reactions are still there, keeping me from making better choices. And then I hate myself even more, for KNOWING what I should be doing, and finding myself incapable. It is NOT that easy. *shakes head*


No need to feel bad on my behalf but hey if that's what you want to do you'll go ahead and do it anyway.


You said a while back that you’ve been planning to leave your husband for the past 20 years (I think you said you were trying to save money to leave). That means for two thirds of your married life you have been planning to leave, you’ve had one foot inside the marriage and the other outside the marriage. It’s no wonder it isn’t working. It’s difficult enough when there’s total commitment, just about impossible when one of the spouses is only 50/50.

Over that 20 years you’ve probably built up so much resentment that you’ll have seriously mixed emotions wrt your husband, love him, hate him, love him, hate him all at the same time.

You may want to take a read of http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html. It taught me a lot about the dynamics between my wife and I. And it really is true that to get off the triangle the rescuer becomes the persecutor. If your H ever wakes up to the full impact of having a wife who’s only half in the marriage with him he may well just up and leave and you’ll never see him again.


It is my experience that you are taking the easier option by staying with your H. And it’s my experience that you are staying with him for what you get out of staying with him and for that you may want to count your blessings before you lose them.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Amanda.......fight fire with fire and humor - buy him some of those penis enlargement pills you see advertised on late night TV.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> We all want the best for each other, but it's unhelpful to call people stupid and to swear when offering support.
> 
> Her emotions have been toyed with, don't you get that? It is a symptom of abuse that she is confused about this gift. A person who could think normally and be in touch with her feelings of course would see that being hurt in a relationship is not okay in this way. But people who have been abused become confused. Yes, it is clear to you what she 'should' do, but taking action is not so clear cut when you are with someone who has the character of her husband.
> 
> My supporters always have to remind me of the cycle of violence and the undermining of confidence, etc. AND I have had a year of therapy under my belt AND I left my husband. And yes, I was stupid to go back, and grateful that nobody swore at me and said I was stupid. I would have felt even less confidence in doing what I had to do. Nobody wants to hear they're in any way incapable of making good decisions when they have a decision to make. Now it is my turn to ask WTF? Although, to be honest, I would have liked to have the OP ask this of people who use swears and call her stupid when trying to help her. yes it is frustrating when it is clear what she should do and how horribly he has treated her, but she does not deserve that kind of 'help'.


Apparently I missed something. Who called her stupid?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Careful, you’re projecting one heck of a lot and as far as your beliefs about me are concerned you have most certainly managed to delude yourself, even with that high IQ of yours.


AFEH, I stated my opinion, which is of course based on my experience. Where do you think statistics come from? From a population pool of individual experiences. If we don't tell our stories (which can be seen as projecting by those who have not experienced them and therefore find them overpowering and somewhat suffocating personally), then how can the collective consciousness ever be formed?

That's the thing about literacy and education.
The founding fathers of this country are no longer in charge. 


Let me re-iterate, I FEEL that giving someone a 'wake-up' call who is in an abusive relationship by metaphorically slapping her upside the head is unhelpful. Having experienced it and being told multiple times I should leave my relationship I did not want to believe it, what I chose to believe instead was that I was giving my husband reason to be insecure and that was the reason for his behavior towards me. I continued to believe this even when he raped me, even when he deceived me with another women, and the reason that I brought up my IQ, which you have chosen to ridicule (and it appears you misunderstood that I was not using it as a trump card to outwit you), is to illustrate that INTELLIGENCE and LOGIC has NOTHING TO DO with the ability to make a decision that APPEARS rational to bystanders, even those who wish to be helpful. 
In fact, IQ is unhelpful in abusive relationships for the victim. It allows him or her to think about the horrible fact that they are being abused. IQ traps a person. This is why appealing to logic to get a victim to leave a bad relationship doesn't work. A brilliant person is more skilled at self-deception, and will highly discount anyone who attempts to put a complex situation (or one she thinks is complex because of all the gaslighting an abuser has done...and all the complexities of the details of moving out...which is actually quite simple in the end...) into a one-liner.

Have you ever actually been in an abusive relationship as a victim, or is your experience academic?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno we are so very different that effective communication with you is not at all possible. Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Amanda.......fight fire with fire and humor - buy him some of those penis enlargement pills you see advertised on late night TV.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or just a ruler.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:rofl:

And do it on V-day xD


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Homemaker_Numero_Uno we are so very different that effective communication with you is not at all possible. Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.


I wouldn't say that because it seems when I was just beginning to realize I was in an abusive relationship, before I left it, you had some things to say that made sense to me. I think you have changed lately in your perspective or just on this issue, but I can't put my finger on it. It's like you deleted your profile and another person took it over  just on this topic.

You can be very supportive but on this point, you don't seem open to first-person perspective. Yes, 20 years is a long time but abuse is that way. Being in it longer makes it more difficult to leave. Shorter time makes it easier. It's called slot-machine syndrome, and it's very, very addictive. You put in all that time and energy and assume identity of wife and supporter and then what is left but what you invested? You want to walk away with that, so you stay in the game. I will always be Mrs. [last name here]. I earned that title and I am keeping it. That's how I satisfied my slot machine syndrome. I was a wife, and I took my duties and bonds as a wife seriously, that makes me a Mrs. 

Anyway, we have communicated before and very well.
This is different but I am a woman and you are a man and I have been in abusive relationships and had to walk away with nothing (more than once  ) and you... are man. With solution. Clear to you. With happy ending. Here is your happy ending. We no longer can connect, maybe because I no longer need support to the extent of pedastaling anyone who will be on my side. It's just a theory. And it's just about this one point, abuse. 

When it comes to functional relationships and other things in life, I think we have always agreed. There is something about abuse that ruffles your feathers.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I repeat



AFEH said:


> Careful, you’re projecting one heck of a lot and as far as your beliefs about me are concerned you have most certainly managed to delude yourself, even with that high IQ of yours.





AFEH said:


> Homemaker_Numero_Uno we are so very different that effective communication with you is not at all possible. Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.



I am not testing you and I am not challenging you.

I am telling you I have no interest in a dialogue with you and I have given you my reasons. This is my boundary and every time you disrespect it all you do is prove I was right from the get go.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I see the men have stayed clear of this one lol.


I think the 'smart' men on here aren't game to comment, myself uncluded


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

That's bull****. What would it take for you to forgive him? What would it take for him to respect you?


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