# I don't want my hubby to get a vasectomy



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

I've been married for 3 years and before we got married we decided to try to have children once we were financially well. I'm 38yo and he is 39. We have a blended family but we do not have a child together. I got pregnant twice but miscarried. He now wants a vasectomy and I don't want him to end all possibility of having a baby with him. He has 3 children of his own and I have 1 son that is now out of the home. He feels he is to old to have another baby and says he is tired. My youngest step son is 6 and I help out as much as possible. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and he is so angry with me bc I do not agree with him getting a vasectomy. I don't know what to to. I feel like I've been lied to and I don't trust him but I love him and I won't divorce him. Help!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You said that your agreement with your husband to have children was on the condition that the two of you would be financially well. Does he feel that the financial situation is hopeless?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of the time do your step children spend at your home?

Do you work outside the home?

How hard did you and your husband (individually) take your miscarriages? Is there any chance that he just cannot live through another loss?

I think you have no choice but to accept that he does no want anymore children. And then you would have to decide if you will stay with him under the circumstances.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

He says he is not comfortable with our financial status but we have a lot of money in our savings for an emergency. And we continue to add to it every month. I think he will never feel comfortable. We both work and have good paying jobs. I did everything he thought we needed to do In order to prepare for a baby. He also said he did try to have a baby but it's only been going on 2 years. I don't know why he is giving up.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did he react when you were pregnant? Was he excited with you? or ho-hum?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the new legal climate, if I did snoop in my h's email, I would only use it for info gathering so that I knew what was really going on. None of the info gathered would be usable in court. I'd just keep mum about it. When I did snoop a long time ago it was not illegal.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

My kids are with us full time. He handled the loss quietly..I think we both did. We didn't talk about it I guess bc we both didn't want to constantly think about it. He doesn't really show his emotions except when he is angry.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

He was happy but he was always worried about money. I did see him cry once about our loss and I felt like I let him down. This forum is actually helping me see things a little better.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The losses might have hit him a lot harder than you realize. 

Since I don't know what your financial situation is, I don't know what to say about his financial worries. If you had to live off your savings, how many months would your savings cover? Do you both also have retirement funds?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Has he already scheduled an appointment with a urologist for the vasectomy? or is he simply saying that he will have one?


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

We would be able to live off our savings for a year..we both started on our retirement savings again due to previous divorces. I know he would rather our savings be a lot more than what it is but we are working on it. He has been divorced twice and my youngest son is with us part time.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

He is saying he wants a vasectomy and he has talked about it before but I asked him to wait bc I would get an IUD. I had it taken out with his consent and that's when we started trying. He may have made the appointment and haven't told me but I don't want to assume that. Guess I am scared to ask him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what are you going to do if he goes through with it?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unless he has one in secret and goes away for a few days to recover, it will be very hard for him to hide that he had one. Believe me, I had a vasectomy (my late first wife and I decided it together) and I had to take a few days off and avoid doing any strenuous physical work. Here's what it entailed:


> Recovering at home
> 
> For about a week, your scrotum may look bruised and slightly swollen. You may also have a small amount of bloody discharge from the incision. This is normal.
> 
> ...


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

My marriage is important to me and I am in love with my husband and I can't even think of divorcing him over this but I don't know how I would take it. I honestly don't know what I would do. This is something that would change our lives. I just feel like he has been the only man that I have ever trusted and he would be breaking my trust by doing this. I told him I feel lied to and he gets upset and said he hasn't lied. I asked him to wait a few months and see how it goes. I know we can't try forever but he seems very convinced this is something he wants to do. He is avoiding me and is tired of talking about it.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

Wow. I didn't know that. He won't be going any where's. He has to many responsibilities at home so that's a good tip. I agree that that's the way it should be, we both should decide on this together.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Quite a difference from what we usually see - wives pressuring a hubby to get a V when he is unsure. 

I don't really have much to add other than if you believe a woman has a right to decide what will happen with her own body, so does a man.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You can love the man to death but if your trust in him is destroyed, then you will have a very sad, unfulfilled and empty marriage.

Love, trust and respect are essential ingredients for a marriage. It cannot survive without all three.

I'd suggest that you try to convince him to go with you to couple's counseling. 

It may be his body but he is risking the fate of his marriage by acting in such a selfish fashion.


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

Every decision we have made was usually together. I would not go behind his back to do anything with out his agreement. I do see your point of view. 
As a married couple I thought we were on the same page and should decide on this together. I just don't see how I can say okay to this. I wish I could say yes bc I don't want to see him this way but I would be giving up something that means a lot to me. I would be heart broken.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's one thing to say I want to have a vasectomy and another to be psychologically prepared to no longer have the ability to father children. Some men are and some men aren't. Believe me when I tell you, that as a man, having second thoughts about life after a vasectomy, is very common and very sobering.

I'm going to sleep. Good night everybody.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Pledges, promises, are incredibly important. Especially in marriage.

I'd want to get to the root of why he's changed his mind. Counseling is a great way to do that in a neutral environment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

I strongly agree with you. I will talk to him about your idea. I don't want us to live our lives resenting each other bc of this and I know it's not a good thing to bring a baby into this world if the partner is not on board. In have prayed about this and told him I have considered his feelings in all this. At times I almost give in but I know I would be lying to him and myself. This is why it's so hard. He wants to share his children with me but not have one with me? I'm really hurt and I know he is too. He knows he can trust me but now I'm not sure I can say the same for me..maybe I'm the one being selfish now. I don't want to be this way.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Personally, I got a vasectomy. 

I came from a very large family (12+) and saw first hand the emotional and economical impact of such. Initially I did want to have at least 2. After the first, I was overjoyed. Such a wonderful, beautiful creature I took part in creating. I wanted her to have a sibling. However, even the one took a huge toll on my then wife, raised in a small family. She really was a "supermom" to our daughter. However, I did see that even the one kept her on a razors edge. I was not confident that she could handle a second. And I was not confident that I could keep up if my fears became reality. Yet I was very confident that our one was so incredibly awesome that I had no void left to be filled by another. My dreams of fatherhood were now real and I was able to learn and grown without a second. 

She recommended a V, and because I never saw life without her, I agreed. 

Though it can be reversed, it is a very huge decision. And you are right to feel that you should be part of that decision. Just as a husband is right in feeling he should be part of the decision to have another or not. 

These HUGE decisions affect everyone in the family. None of them should be made without lengthy, serious consideration of the viewpoints of the other involved. Because they ARE involved. It DOES affect them and their lives. Their want and dreams. 

It absolutely requires lengthy, deep conversation.


----------



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

My wife's father got one after the third child, without telling. It supposedly ended the marriage. They remarried several years later (after her mother had an interim marriage). What a mess.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I know two couples who have divorced after the husband had a vasectomy.

First couple: two kids together, he wanted a vasectomy, she wanted more kids, he had the vasectomy without telling her, they divorced.

Second couple: three kids together, he wanted a vasectomy, she wanted more kids but he convinced her three was enough, he had it, she stewed on it for a couple of years and finally ended up divorced.

What has this told me? If there is any disagreement over having kids or not and even the number of kids and one person takes the choice away from the other, the marriage is doomed. 

What else has it told me? That some people couldn't give a sh*t about the kids they have, all that matters to them is having the option of having more kids.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like he is using the excuse of not having enough money to not have children. He doesn't want children so you have to agree with him. You don't want to bring a baby into your marriage that isn't wanted. Just enjoy the children you have and be ok with him getting a vasectomy. If you keep arguing with him about it he might just get so fed up he leaves and then you won't have him or a baby.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

To me it sounds like during the "honeymoon phase" he begrudgingly agreed to have another child. But after two emotionally heart wrenching losses and after reevaluating his thought process he decided he really didn't think it was a good idea after all. It is also possible that once the truth of a day to day blended family became real he is questioning adding another child to the mix. I agree that counseling is your best option to discuss the issue and try to understand how each of you truly feels.


----------



## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

In the past there have been many threads on TAM started by husbands who were upset about their wives; weight gain/loss, boob job, tattoo's, birth control, etc, etc, etc. The overwhelming response has always been "her body, her choice". In this instance I would respond similarly "his body, his choice". You can't force your husband to father more children any more than he should be able to force you to become pregnant.

Having children needs to be a joint decision by both spouses. If either spouse says no, then the answer is no.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No1knows, how is your husband's health? Are there any signs that he might be experiencing some health issue(s) that may be a factor for his reluctance to father a child with you?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Youngster said:


> In the past there have been many threads on TAM started by husbands who were upset about their wives; weight gain/loss, boob job, tattoo's, birth control, etc, etc, etc. The overwhelming response has always been "her body, her choice". In this instance I would respond similarly "his body, his choice". You can't force your husband to father more children any more than he should be able to force you to become pregnant.
> 
> Having children needs to be a joint decision by both spouses. If either spouse says no, then the answer is no.



It is his body, his choice, but he should understand what it could mean for his marriage before he does it. If we had a married woman here wanting to have her tubed tied but hubby wanted more kids of course we'd tell her it's her body but they're married so she should understand what it could mean for the marriage. This talk needs to take plant asap.

And op, you need to make peace with whatever decision you guys come too. It's unproductive to say you won't trust him anymore but won't divorce him. What kind of marriage is that going to be? Tell him NOW that you want to discuss what's going on and you guys will make a decision together but doing anything behind your back could mean serious damage to the marriage. 

And he owes you an honest answer, so tell him to stop hiding behind money and be honest. If you're going to give up on having more children he can at least be straight with you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not sure you were deceived. It could be age...I know when I first got divorced at 36 all I wanted was to find the right woman and get married, have another family. So at that time all I wanted was a woman still willing to have kids and bypassed any who didn't want more. About 2 years in I figured out I was getting too old, retirement was coming too quickly, and I was tired from being a single parent. then my whole perspective changed and I got a vasectomy. now I only date women who don't want kids.

Point is he is at that age where many men and women feel they hit the mark of being to old to have a newborn. This on top of not one but two miscarriages and sounds like he is done.

I'm all for communication and compromise but in the case of having more kids that is a major and life long decision that can't be undone. In those cases the no's have it


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

If you're willing to get an IUD, as a man I am a bit confused as to why he would prefer to get a vasectomy instead. It's possible he wants to spare you the possible physical discomfort and side effects. Maybe it's a response to a deeper emotional trouble. Maybe it's something else. Have you asked him?


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I think that if one partner says no...the answer is no. If you can't handle that, then you need to decide if you are going to stay or go. Pressuring him into having another baby is only going to raise is resentment toward you. Your H is at an age (and so are you) where having another baby isn't ideal for many. It's possible for people to change their minds all of the time. It's not betrayal....I know he didn't betray you because he did try for pregnancy - and succeeded twice. Unfortunately, those pregnancies ended (and I'm so sorry for that). However, your H did TRY. Two years has passed and he has probably decided it's for the best that no more children enter the relationship. 

Health risks go up with age and pregnancy. He might be feeling tired and worn out, he might just want to enjoy some time to himself. You said his son is 6 years old? So, there is still a younger one in the house. Why not enjoy the one that's there?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree with the "his body, his choice" camp. When women make the decision not to have more kids it's usually not contested. This shouldn't be either. 

Also, maybe he doesn't feel that having a baby with you is a way to show love for you. He's not seeing it from the same point as you are. Maybe to him, it's not about love. Maybe he thinks that y'all have a big happy blended family and that is enough, plus at his age it is reasonable to not want any more children anyway. And if it's not really a "big happy blended family", that could be another reason that he isn't eager to bring another child into it. There are lots of reasons NOT to have a child, including the money issue. 

He's not wrong, neither are you.... but there isn't really a compromise is there? This is either/or. 

Maybe counseling to get a neutral third party to help you discuss it and decide which way to go.... and help the one who doesn't get what they want to get past it.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No1knows,

If your husband were to agree for one more try at pregnancy and you had another miscarriage, would you continue with your efforts to have a child of his? Or Would you stop trying altogether?

This could be used as a "meeting each other half way" bargaining ploy. If he said yes, would you be willing to accept it no matter the outcome?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

4 kids in a blended family is a lot to deal with.

Miscarriages on top of that is a lot more.

Call it a day, baby-wise. Focus on what you have.

Which is a lot.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening

I think that people have full rights over their own bodies. His body his choice.

Also, when a couple disagrees over children, I think the person who does not want children gets the final say. I know from experience that children eventually figure out that they were not wanted and it isn't a good thing.


That said, he as made his choice, the OP can make hers. If she wants more children, she has every right to ask for a divorce. Your life goals have gone in different directions, no ones fault, that is just how it is.


----------

