# Money issues..



## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

Hello all.

My first post here so I will try and give my story and be on point but I tend to "wander" when I write so please be patient. 

She is 40, I am 44 and both my wife and I we're married once before and divorced for the same reason due to a cheating spouse. We both state that we were the financial "decider" in our previous marriage with little to no input from significant other.

To some, we had too short a time dating/engagement. We started dating in June 13 and was engaged by Jan. 14 and married in March that year. Not a lot of time to get to know someone casually.

Getting to know each other I thought she really had things under control. She had a decent paying job and received almost that much with child support and alimony. We would discuss our financial personalities and how we saved/spent money and seemed like we really were in tune.

When we married: 
She "brought home" a little more then I did a month.
I had no debt other then $800 that I owed in Fed taxes. had an emergency cash fund, checking/savings accounts and paid for most things with cash.
She had a car payment, student loans, and a small CC loan (I thought). We have a joint account that we use for the shared bills and our own acc. that we use for the things we have that we agreed to pay on like Cable, utilities, Ins etc..

Because we have five children between us we were needing a bigger vehicle as ours were too small so we went in together on a large older model SUV that we would split the payment on.

A few months after we were married she came to me and wanted to change careers and pursue something that made her happy but would cut her pay in half. She told me she would need help in covering her share of the "split" and it would be a small amount. I agreed but didn't get the specifics..stupid me.

Last October I found out she didn't have one CC but four. All with small amounts of debt ($300-$700). I was very concerned and she told me she was over her head and was a few months behind in all of them. I volunteered to take them and catch them up. She agreed and handed me the CC saying she wouldn't use them anymore, which she hasn't. Just before Christmas she didn't want me to pay on her CC anymore and was feeling guilty about it. She would keep them current and pay them off with her tax return. This month we tried financing a house and found she had collection agencies after her.

She has- let traffic tickets go unpaid and didn't have the money -so I paid them. Did not have the money for her part of the car-so I paid it. Didn't have her share of the rent so we were late. Has spent too much on her checking account and went in overdraft- which I caught her up..

Whenever we talk about money she gets tense and defensive. She has offered to hand her money to me and let me do the budgeting but this hasn't happened. I don't get it. She is an intelligent lady that has two college degrees and I didn't even finish HS and went into a trade. 

We have had other issues and have brought up divorce and counseling before but seem to work it out or maybe I'm wrong and we just push it aside. I'm not sure how to approach the $$ thing with her. I love her and want her to be happy but don't want to feel like a walking wallet and the only one that is conservative with our money. We have had other issues that brought a lot of grief and I'm worried this will blow up and don't know how to go about approaching it.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get together with a financial counsellor, and get everything out on the table. There's no reason why you two can't fix this, if you want to.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There needs to be a budget. That simple. Once the budget is established the amount each are to contribute to the budget is to be agreed upon. Then a joint account is to be created where the agreed upon amount is deposited each month to pay the budget established. And, there needs to be an agreed up amount for "allowance" for each. 

Without a budget the spending is left to whatever fits your fancy. Stay away from credit cards. Play thing of the devil. As you can see, these cards have already prevented home loan approval. Pay them off and your credit score will raise. The home loan approval will be granted. It will take about 6 months to a year but it can be done. I'm living proof!


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## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

PBear said:


> Get together with a financial counsellor, and get everything out on the table. There's no reason why you two can't fix this, if you want to.


I will bring this up. The only time she seemed open to an outside "source" was mentioned helping us budget is the Dave Ramsey system. she has prior experience with his system and seem open to trying it again although I think a local bank or advisor would be better.


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## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> There needs to be a budget. That simple. Once the budget is established the amount each are to contribute to the budget is to be agreed upon. Then a joint account is to be created where the agreed upon amount is deposited each month to pay the budget established. And, there needs to be an agreed up amount for "allowance" for each.
> 
> Without a budget the spending is left to whatever fits your fancy. Stay away from credit cards. Play thing of the devil. As you can see, these cards have already prevented home loan approval. Pay them off and your credit score will raise. The home loan approval will be granted. It will take about 6 months to a year but it can be done. I'm living proof!


I believe in and have a budget, and have stuck with what we initially agreed to. I live within my means, have a CC but keep a 0 balance on it.

She made a budget but can't seem to stick with it. I think she was bad before we were married and now with her reduced income it's worse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop letting things slide. Start following through yourself. If she says she's open to meeting with someone, then make the appointment and tell her when it is. 

C


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Leeco said:


> I believe in and have a budget, and have stuck with what we initially agreed to. I live within my means, have a CC but keep a 0 balance on it.
> 
> She made a budget but can't seem to stick with it. I think she was bad before we were married and now with her reduced income it's worse.


The the best thing to do and sit with your W and explain to her what she is doing wreaks havoc in the checkbook. This is cause you to get stressed. Some months having to rob Peter to pay Paul. She needs to get onboard.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PBear said:


> Stop letting things slide. Start following through yourself. If she says she's open to meeting with someone, then make the appointment and tell her when it is.
> 
> C


:iagree:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Leeco said:


> I will bring this up. The only time she seemed open to an outside "source" was mentioned helping us budget is the Dave Ramsey system. she has prior experience with his system and seem open to trying it again although I think a local bank or advisor would be better.


I think if there is an area where she is willing get on board, I would take the opportunity. The DR system is easy and not at all confusing, compared to bank officer who would rather tell you to take a loan on the home to consolidate the debts...or some other sales-sleeze trickery. A financial advisor or counselor too is a good idea.

I think the problem may reside that you both had a way of doing things yourself and surviving a bad ex-marriage, and have probably been reticent about the risk of combining incomes. You seem to be able to stay afloat, but your new wife is struggling. I think it is important for the both of you to jump in with both feet and get on the SAME PAGE with finances, where you are going in life, and your retirement plans.

I have been learning more and more these days of how important it his for the husband to step up and grasp a vision of where he wants to go and to lead his family in that direction. If you have been browbeating or nagging wife about her financial mishandlings...STOP IT...start sharing you vision with her about the life that you could BOTH be having in the future if you both can work together and not against each other. 

Don't create a culture where she never learns what to do or how to stay on board, especially when you simply have removed responsibility and paid her debts. Sure, you are married, and I think incomes should be combined...this is what you married into, BUT...you guys can positively create a new path...where she can be excited and has a clear idea of how she can best participate and contribute to the family plan.

If she shows interest in a method, like Dave Ramsey, I say take the opportunity of her willingness and starting cracking on this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it's wise to do a few things. The David Ramsey approach is good. I like that better than going to a financial counselor because it's a system that you two can use forever. You will not be able to go to a financial counselor on a regular basis as they are expensive.

Another thing that I think would help is if the two of you read the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It would give her some things to think about when it comes to the wisdom of being frugal. It would be good if you both read it because then you can she can talk about what the book says.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Leeco said:


> I believe in and have a budget, and have stuck with what we initially agreed to. I live within my means, have a CC but keep a 0 balance on it.
> 
> She made a budget but can't seem to stick with it. I think she was bad before we were married and now with her reduced income it's worse.


She needs to take responsibility for her share in this. She needs to see how she screwed up and want to fix this. Only at that point will she take the tough actions, which will be:

* Work out a budget to fix the money issues.
* Go back to her old job that pays more until these debts are extinguished.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

At what point does she break away from the budget plan? You and your wife should try to figure out her breaking points and create incentives within the budget to address them. As long as the incentives don't cause monthly budget setbacks, implement them according to her usual breaking points. Do the same for yourself too. You don't want the conversation to be all about her problems because that could lead to more resentment.


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## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> I think if there is an area where she is willing get on board, I would take the opportunity. The DR system is easy and not at all confusing, compared to bank officer who would rather tell you to take a loan on the home to consolidate the debts...or some other sales-sleeze trickery. A financial advisor or counselor too is a good idea.
> 
> I think the problem may reside that you both had a way of doing things yourself and surviving a bad ex-marriage, and have probably been reticent about the risk of combining incomes. You seem to be able to stay afloat, but your new wife is struggling. I think it is important for the both of you to jump in with both feet and get on the SAME PAGE with finances, where you are going in life, and your retirement plans.
> 
> ...


The bolded: I agree. I believe that a lot of men fail in leading or outlining a vision of where they want or would like to achieve financially.

I do not nag or browbeat my wife when it comes to money. I simply ask her questions about her spending habits and if what she does is a wise decision.


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## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think it's wise to do a few things. The David Ramsey approach is good. I like that better than going to a financial counselor because it's a system that you two can use forever. You will not be able to go to a financial counselor on a regular basis as they are expensive.
> 
> Another thing that I think would help is if the two of you read the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". It would give her some things to think about when it comes to the wisdom of being frugal. It would be good if you both read it because then you can she can talk about what the book says.


I have bought the DR FPU box set. We have watched a couple of the DVR's but our schedules are so different it's hard to get this done.

Went over a quickie budget and are making some headway!


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## Leeco (Feb 5, 2015)

Mr.D.E.B.T. said:


> At what point does she break away from the budget plan? You and your wife should try to figure out her breaking points and create incentives within the budget to address them. As long as the incentives don't cause monthly budget setbacks, implement them according to her usual breaking points. Do the same for yourself too. You don't want the conversation to be all about her problems because that could lead to more resentment.


That's a good question that I don't have an answer to. I believe it's the small debit purchases that add up and then makes her fall short.

A little compulsive spending..


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

Leeco said:


> That's a good question that I don't have an answer to. I believe it's the small debit purchases that add up and then makes her fall short.
> 
> A little compulsive spending..


It's usually the small spending that ruins budgets, but even compulsive spending can be traced for trends. Trust me, whenever I find myself looking over past transactions, I always find trends, and you can too. Maybe it's every 3 weeks or 3 days. Either way if you look hard enough, the numbers will reveal all.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't a math problem or a money problem. It's a partnering problem. She knows full well how to add, subtract, balance a checkbook, and what to do when bills arrive. She made the decision to cut the family finances by taking a different job, not because it was better for the marriage or the family but because she felt it would make her happier. The overspending, the failure to pay bills on time or to honestly disclose them is evidence of selfishness and dishonesty. Dave Ramsey can't fix that. Either folks put the marriage and the family before their own interests or they don't need to be in a marriage. She either can't or won't manage money so she needs to have her pay deposited into your account and you take care of those matters. Not talk about it, not sulk about it, no defensiveness, just do it. She gets an allowance. Once she has decided to commit to the marriage and be a real partner, DR classes would be great. Y'all have five kids to support. You don't have the luxury of spending lots of time trying to convince her to be an honest partner. That decision should have been made before she said, "I do".


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> This isn't a math problem or a money problem. It's a partnering problem. She knows full well how to add, subtract, balance a checkbook, and what to do when bills arrive. She made the decision to cut the family finances by taking a different job, not because it was better for the marriage or the family but because she felt it would make her happier. The overspending, the failure to pay bills on time or to honestly disclose them is evidence of selfishness and dishonesty. Dave Ramsey can't fix that. Either folks put the marriage and the family before their own interests or they don't need to be in a marriage. She either can't or won't manage money so she needs to have her pay deposited into your account and you take care of those matters. Not talk about it, not sulk about it, no defensiveness, just do it. She gets an allowance. Once she has decided to commit to the marriage and be a real partner, DR classes would be great. Y'all have five kids to support. You don't have the luxury of spending lots of time trying to convince her to be an honest partner. That decision should have been made before she said, "I do".



Wow...talk about a lot of assumptions and could've, would've, should've. I'm sure yelling at her more about her problems will make it all better......But I do agree with some of what you said. Nobody, but his wife can fix these issues. Still, that doesn't mean he can't help. 



Wow


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