# Trip to NY and updates on the stbxh



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I had a blast in New York, despite stbxh efforts in trying to bring me down. I worked almost 70 hours with only one day off, but it was good to get away and see that I do have self-worth and that I am going to be ok.

The stbxh did call me while I was gone and upset me. He told me that he had a consultation with a lawyer and that his lawyer told him he would only have to pay me $300 a month, which is based off this years paycheck stub for myself which is crap b/c I have always been part-time since having children and when he left, I have had to work at least 6 days a week to stay afloat. So, he said that out of the kindness of his heart (puking now) that he would give me $500 a month b/c he didn't want to see my struggle ... whatever. He also warned me not to go through a lawyer, b/c I wouldn't like how it all ended.

He then proceeds to tell me that since I have to use choldcare so much b/c I am working so much that it would look like I was an unfit parent and that I wouldn't be able to get full custody of the kids.

I let it upset me for a bit and cried a bit but then I got stronger and now I am pissed. I have since blocked him from my phone where he can't text me or call me. He can call my house phone when he has the kids, but that is it. I have a consulation with a new lawyer (and those that know my story know why I am switching lawyers) on Friday and I am really hoping that I can get this all figured out and have some sort of idea on where I stand. He scared me by going to a lawyer but he is lying to the lawyer on income and reason for divorce so I know what he was told wasn't correct.

He also called my dad, who I am not really talking to right now and he knows that so he was trying to get someone/anyone to listen to him and his side of the story. My dad didn't answer, of course, but he left a message and went on and on about how my dad is a bad influence by supporting my desire to go to court and fight him b/c it will not be a benefit to my life at all.

And this is pety stuff but it gets to me and I have to get it out. When I call his phone from my cell number, he has that song "dont' worry, everything is going to be alright" but when I call from any other phone, there is a different song so he put that song just for me when I call ... how stupid is that? And what does he mean by playing a song that everything will be alright.

He keeps telling me that I need to get over him and move on and let go of all this anger. I am just beside myself at the person that he has turned into or that I was so blind to all of this before. He cheated on me, lied to me and destroyed our family. While I was willing to work on our marriage, he continued to lie to me but I am still the one that he decided to "give up on" and that he walked out on. I am still the one that cries daily and he has already moved on. Why do I let this happen and how come I am not strong enough to let go? 

I have to be strong when it comes to my kids and getting the child support that I need to support my kids but on the emotional end of all of this, I am drained and hurting so bad. I just want someone to hold me (not a man) and let me cry. I am tired of fighting this alone and feeling so empty.

I don't know what is going to happen from here but I am hopeful that the lawyer will provide some insight to what is going to happen and I can move on from that point. I don't know how I am going to afford a lawyer retainer fee but we will see what happens.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Glad to hear you had a great time in NY!!!

Don't listen to him, he's just throwing a bunch of stuff at you hoping that it will scare you into doing what he wants. Go see another lawyer, see what they tell you.

As for him accusing you of not getting over him and not moving on I call bs. You fighting for what's yours is not getting over him? That's ridiculous. Again, just him trying to bully you.

He's trying everything he knows to intimidate you. It's like he's a scared animal right now. That should tell you how desperate he is, I'm pretty sure you have him worried.

Good luck with the new lawyer and keep hanging in there. (((Hugs)))


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks so much small steps. I am glad that you see it that way and pointed it out b/c when I view it from him, I get mixed emotions about it. I don't know if he is scared or if he is trying to act like none of this matters or if he just doesn't care anymore?

HE is back to gaining weight now and I guess he has been working out b/c when I dropped the kids off he had his shirt off and I can tell he has been hitting the gym. Last time he did that was when he first started talking to the OW. So I am pretty sure that there is someone else in his life. He hasn't directly admitted it to me but he has hinted at it.

I just want to be stronger and more confident in myself and I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am always walking around in a cloud. Last week, was the first time I felt somewhat normal and then I get home and I am slammed with all this again.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri,
I'm so glad the trip to NY went well. You need some reminders of how fabulous you really are.
Now, about him.
He lies, remember. He lies to you to get you to do what he wants. They are lies. He lies to the IRS to avoid his financial obligation, now he lies to you. No court in the country would ever penalize a working mother the way he suggests. He lies. Say it out loud-he lies.
Bravo to you for blocking him on the phone. Cutting access is the first step. Separation will help you find your strength. Do not engage him. After the new attorney takes this over (and I have ever positive thought available for you on this one) just direct all discussions concerning the divorce to the attorney. If anything else slips in and he speaks directly to you, then pretend to pay attention and when he's finished say "I"m sorry you feel that way." Nothing else. Do not engage.
I can tell you when my verbally/abusive husband finally left I felt physically ill. He has a whole list of mental disorders for which he refuses further treatment. I thought I was ruining my life and my kids life. But it had to done. He didn't come for a visit for a month and during that time we had a chance to decompress. When he returned, and started up again with the paranoia, histrionics and attempted manipulation it became much easier to see it for what it was and tell him to stop, or leave. You will get there too.
And you are not alone through this.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks Pluto. I dropped my youngest off to him this morning after taking my daughter to kindergarden and I wouldn't even look at him, I just can't without a look of hate and I don't even want to give him that. I was about to leave and he comes up to my window asking about our daughter and then says "are you sure that this is the direction that you want to go" and I just shook my head and backed away and left. I didn't start crying until I was out of his apartment complex. 

I hate this life. My kids cry everytime they know that they are going to daddy's house. I am so tired of defending him with the kids because that is still their father. But they must know more than I do b/c they are young and they hate going there already.

I am going to a Divorce Care group tonight and I am looking forward to it. I hope it helps me to let go of this hate and anger towards him.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So this afternoon, my stbxh emails me and asks "one more time" if going through a lawyer is what I really want and I replied that it is b/c that is the only choice left for me to protect myself and my kids. I then emailed him again about my concern on how the kids are when they go there and to make sure that they are happy when they are there. He, of course, called me a liar and that I was using the kids against him. I sent back that I will not and do not use the kids against him and that his actions have consequences and now he is facing some of those through his kids. He then sent me a message back and said to "stop harassing him" are you kidding me? He won't tell me how he is paying his child support this week and won't answer when I call to talk to the kids .... I am pissed. I havent called again and will not call again but I always talk to my daughter when she gets home from school and he won't let me talk to her. I can't wait to see this lawyer on Friday to see what might or could happen. I am so beyond mad right now!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I have to post here versus contacting stbxh. 

I went to a meeting tonight for DivorceCare and it was eye opening but kind of a set back too. I hate this whole process. I hate feeling weak and I hate that he has so much control over me.

I have blocked him from my phone and from texting me but sometimes my phone will have a message from him that comes through and it just says downloading but the message never comes through. He told me to stop harrassing him earlier today when we were talking about lawyers and the kids and so I didn't contact him back and don't plan on it. But while I was in this meeting, and he has no clue I am going to any meetings, he texted me but I have no idea why and of course I wonder ... but I will not contact him!!

But I have to admit that I do keep checking my email to see if he tries to contact me that way. I did check earlier to see if I could block him from my email but I can't so I guess that I am going to have to delete that acct and start a new one, which stinks b/c I have had that one and it is linked to everything but I can make the changes that I need to for it.

I know I keep saying this and I will probably say it for a long time, but I just don't understand his thinking. I know he is a manipulator but I don't know if my perception of him is different now b/c he left me and hasn't looked back or if I am in denial that he just doesn't care anymore?

I don't think that I will ever get these answers and I know that i need to work on me but I feel like I can't work on me without him and that is so crazy b/c I am my own person. I just am not strong enough to get through this and everyday proves that to me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You can't rely on him for answers,you probably will never get them. I've resigned myself to that fact now in my case.

The minute you let that go, you'll begin to heal on your own. You'll be able to step back and objectively start to put things together that happened in your marriage and move on. The worst thing you can do is get hung up on him giving you answers.

You are strong enough to get through this Sherri. Everyone has days where we feel like giving up but we can't. We have to keep moving forward.

Your stbxh is just doing things to push your buttons and make you second guess yourself. Don't let him do that to you!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I guess I am just having a bad night. Every part of me wants to run to him and beg him to come back to me. I know that is crazy b/c I think that he wants me to do that. 

But then the other part of me thinks he is seeing someone else and he just won't admit it to me. And I will never know if he is until we divorce and then that will distroy me. Why am I making him out to be better than he was?

I still love him and that is the hardest thing for me. I love him and he doesn't love me the same way that he used to.

Why am I just taking steps backward and not moving forward? Why am I doing this to myself? I just want to sleep all the time and not face this anymore.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok Sherri, you slipped and talked to him. Now you feel like crap. Start considering the possibility that you are giving him exactly what he wants. Now take that power away from him. No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you give them that power. Take his power away.
You say you still love him. Do you honestly believe that you are so unworthy that the only person who can love you is someone who treats you with such disdain? Because I think you deserve so much more. Real love does not hurt, or make another doubt themselves. Stay strong.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> I guess I am just having a bad night. Every part of me wants to run to him and beg him to come back to me. I know that is crazy b/c I think that he wants me to do that.
> 
> But then the other part of me thinks he is seeing someone else and he just won't admit it to me. And I will never know if he is until we divorce and then that will distroy me. Why am I making him out to be better than he was?
> 
> ...



You need to ask yourself, even if he's not seeing someone else would you really want him back knowing all you know now? The way he's treated you? Bullying you? Do you remember that conversation we had about his thoughts on bj?
I mean think about it,he won't change so what makes him an attractive option for you? You deserve a heck of a lot more respect than he's capable of giving you.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

YOu guys are both so right. I know that deep down, I don't want him back. Do I still love him, yes, I do but I love the husband that I married, not the husband that he has turned into. I just wish that would make this less painful, but it doesn't.

I had to ask him today about child support and if you remember, he told me last week after he saw his lawyer that he was only going to be paying me $500 a month. Well, now he has decided that he is going to go back up to $800 a month, which is still less than what the state guidelines are but at least it gives me a bit more until I get this all figured out with my lawyer tomorrow.

I am nervous about the lawyer b/c I don't know what to expect for the retainer. I know I can't afford much and if they don't do any sort of payment plan, then I don't know how I am going to do this. We are eligible for divorce in 2 short months -- I can't believe that this has been going on for 10 months now. Granted, the first 5 months was us trying to work on the marriage with the lies continuing but I still can't get over that it has almost been a year since my world fell apart and I am still feeling the same way, except no hope for ever saving the marriage.

I don't know why I have fallen back into this dark place again. I was doing so good. I have a good support system and I started that DivorceCare group ... I should be out of the darkness but it consumes me all the time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You gotta feel what you gotta feel. Grieving is hard.
But don't beat yourself up. You are taking positive steps. Joining the divorce care group is a great idea. Seeing the attorney to take of you and your children in another positive step. I know it doesn't feel that way but you are being pro-active and frankly that's all anyone can ever do. Your heart will follow your head when its ready.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sherri, thanks for giving us an update. I'm really glad you were able to have a good trip, despite the interruptions from STBXH. Everything you're going through is normal for someone who has been in an abusive relationship. And is normal for someone who's been cheated on. P2 is right -- you're feeling really down on yourself right now, and that's the only reason you're still willing to settle for him after how he's treated you. Otherwise, this would never make sense to you. Once you're on the other side, it will all be very clear. Good for you on getting a different lawyer. I really don't like those threats of 'you won't like how this will go for you' and crap. That needs to be reported to your lawyer. 'Normal' divorces don't include threats like that.

As to still loving him, I'm going to post something that I've reposted in a few other threads on TAM. I received it in an email over a year ago, and it is just excellent. It's from a newsletter for emotionally abused women. 
___________________

"Now, I'm guessing you have an idea of what Love is, and how a loving person can be expected to behave. I have yet to speak to an emotionally abused woman who doesn't tell me how her abusive partner should behave. He should know X, and take Y into consideration. (Of course, he rarely – if ever – does.)

As far as the theory goes, these women are not wrong. BUT...

We form our opinion of what Love is, and what Love should be, on the basis of our experience.

If you've grown up in an emotionally skewed environment, that environment will, inevitably, shape your understanding of what Love is.

What do I mean by an emotionally skewed environment?

I mean an environment in which you were taught that you had to work to earn love and approval. That environment, when you stop to think about it, has to be emotionally skewed because it is based on the belief that the other person has the power to confer, or withhold love, and lovableness, at will.

They set the obstacle course for you – and you have to scramble your way to the finishing line to earn the love you want... Except that the finishing line always turns out to be out of reach, a mirage... While the obstacle course goes on, and on...

It can be an incredibly powerful tie. Both you and the person who created it are highly motivated. Keeping you scrambling over endless obstacles serves a profound need of theirs, while you believe – wrongly – that everything you could ever hope for lies at the end of that obstacle race.

That really isn't how Love operates. (Love encourages and supports at every step along the way. It is totally committed to your best outcome, and helping you to reach it as constructively as possible.)

So, if it's not about love, what's really going on?

Attachment.

Attachment is a very different animal, altogether.

You need to know that Attachment exerts a pull that is at least as powerful as love. It may use the language of love. It may be very vocal indeed. If you were hungry for someone to love you, Attachment can be very, very seductive.

There's usually something a bit “icky” about the way Attachment recites the role of Love. (So many women I've spoken with acknowledge there was something a tad creepy about their abusive partner's early expressions of love and involvement.)

And there's another key difference, of course. Attachment is incredibly self-serving. In a nut-shell, Attachment wants its chosen target for its own reasons. Those reasons can be incredibly powerful, but that doesn't make them Love.

The bottom line is that few women like their abusive partner's behaviour, or values – at least where the relationship is concerned. Yet, they're desperate to make it work with a sanitized version of that partner.

No matter that the sanitized version does not exist.

No matter that they don't actually like their partner – although when you're in it for the long haul, liking and respecting your partner as a human being are essential.

Attachment will drag you – shaking your head in horror and disbelief - to places you never wanted to go. It will drag you down into parts of yourself you really don’t want to know about.

Love won't do that. Love will take you by the hand and walk beside you as you blossom, and transcend, all that you thought you were capable of being.

Attachment is powerful and toxic.

By now you may be wondering:

“How do I tell the difference?”

The short answer is: “if you even have to ask yourself, because intuition tells you something is not quite right, then it's Attachment. Stay with it only if you are a fan of never ending obstacle courses.” "


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> You gotta feel what you gotta feel. Grieving is hard.
> But don't beat yourself up. You are taking positive steps. Joining the divorce care group is a great idea. Seeing the attorney to take of you and your children in another positive step. I know it doesn't feel that way but you are being pro-active and frankly that's all anyone can ever do. Your heart will follow your head when its ready.


I am so ready Pluto for my heart to follow b/c my brain is driving me crazy with all the questions and my heart breaks without answers.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Anglepixie -- IT is very hard for me to understand that I was in any sort of emotional abuse. He was never physically abusive and I feel like if I think about him being emotional abusive that I will be making a big deal or looking for anything to hate him for. But as I read over that posting, it is spot on. It was like I was a hamster on a wheel where I could never satisfy him. Our MC said it was b/c he was always looking for this vegas lifestyle due to his job. MC could never understand where this was coming from. I have my theories of some things from his childhood and the way that his mother still babies him by giving him anything and everything that he wants. I did this too until we had kids and that is when our problems started.

I did really well last night, even though it was a really bad night for me b/c I was at work. We had to talk a little bit about this lawyer situation. We are 2 months away from being able to file for divorce and I will be filing. I have gone non-emotional on him about everything and not pointing the finger or using my anger and hurt to lash out at him. It is simply what it is now ... we are getting a divorce and it is happening soon.

He did .. much to my surprise -- raise back up the childsupport amount to what he was paying before he went to his lawyer. So that tells me that he knows that he wasn't truthful with his lawyer so he knows that the amt that his lawyer told him wasn't correct?? I am not sure and it has me confused?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

There's nothing to be confused about Sherri, it's extremely obvious. The only reason he lowered it and was telling you what "his lawyer told him" what he would be obligated to pay was to bully you. To threaten you and scare you.

The reason he went back to the original amount? He saw you weren't backing down. 

I'm sure his lawyer told him the truth about what he'd have to pay. When he heard, your stbxh decided to try scare tactics before giving in to what the courts will inevitably rule. It was his last ditch effort, if you fell for it and signed the papers, he'd win.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

YOu are so right smallsteps. I went to the lawyer this morning and he is so full of crap on what he says his lawyer told him. I am waiting to find out what my retainer cost is going to be and then see what options I have from this point. I don't have a lot of money, but will borrow against my 401k in order to get this lawyer. It will be expensive, but I am not backing down. I still haven't heard back from him in regards to if he really did retain his lawyer like he said he did .. nor have I heard back from him on if he wants to do this all in Nov ... we can divorce on our 10 year anniversary. But I was right in all the things that I have told him about his affair and what a judge may or may not do. I was also right in that we DO count his cash tips in with his income so he will actually have to pay more than what I was telling him PLUS alimony. He is going to be so mad but I don't care. No wonder he doesn't want me going to an attorney, he could have to pay a lot of money and he is scared. Well, I am glad that he is b/c I am not backing down from this. 

I do not plan on responding to anything he says or does from this point and will not engage with him on anything. He laid his bed .. now it is time for him to sleep in it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hell hath no fury.....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> YOu are so right smallsteps. I went to the lawyer this morning and he is so full of crap on what he says his lawyer told him. I am waiting to find out what my retainer cost is going to be and then see what options I have from this point. I don't have a lot of money, but will borrow against my 401k in order to get this lawyer. It will be expensive, but I am not backing down. I still haven't heard back from him in regards to if he really did retain his lawyer like he said he did .. nor have I heard back from him on if he wants to do this all in Nov ... we can divorce on our 10 year anniversary. But I was right in all the things that I have told him about his affair and what a judge may or may not do. I was also right in that we DO count his cash tips in with his income so he will actually have to pay more than what I was telling him PLUS alimony. He is going to be so mad but I don't care. No wonder he doesn't want me going to an attorney, he could have to pay a lot of money and he is scared. Well, I am glad that he is b/c I am not backing down from this.
> 
> I do not plan on responding to anything he says or does from this point and will not engage with him on anything. He laid his bed .. now it is time for him to sleep in it.


YES!!!

Onward and forward from here on out Sherri, you're going to be just fine!! Yay!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

YOU GO, GIRL!! :smthumbup:


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

SO, I am still doing the no contact and it hasn't even been 24 hours. We were in the middle of emailing back and forth last night about the lawyers and he just didn't respond back. So, of course, it has me really worried. I am holding tight and not contacting him and calling him on all of his BS but it is hard. 

I had told him that I wasn't bothering with doing any sort of separation agreement b/c we are so close to being able to divorce so I am going right into divorce papers. Then he sent back that he would like to have something in place in writing before the divorce to protect us both. THen I sent back that there was no point b/c we are so close to divorce and made sure that he understood I was going for the divorce in Nov and he hasn't written back, so I don't know what is going on and I am writing here to keep myself from contacting him!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Stand your ground, don't let him engage you.

Keep writing here, I see you're reading other threads and posting, that's good. Whatever it takes to keep from contacting him.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Still no contact with him and I have spent most of the day crying but it will be ok, I hope. 

I was told by my daughter today that he told her that he liked his new house better than he liked living with me ... who tells a 5 year old that? I cried after she told me that and put on my glasses, so they couldnt see. It killed me and I so wanted to call him and curse him out but I am not going to give him the satisfaction of it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

What a POS to tell a little kid something like that. I'm sorry for you and for her, Sherri. Good for you for keeping up the NC today. Try to find things to distract yourself from him. Maybe getting out of the house with the kids tomorrow and even going to a park to play or something will break up the thoughts about him and wanting to contact him. If your kids are with you when you go, just leave the phone at home. You won't be able to be bothered by him or be tempted to contact him. It seems like a 'dangerous' thing, but I think it's OK to be without the phone all the time. Give yourself a break.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

A man who is acting like a child is who tells a 5 year old something like that. What an idiot. 

Keep mental notes of things like this. Next time you find yourself in a weak moment, think of the way he behaves.

Take satisfaction in watching his ego deflate when he wakes up to the fact that he doesn't get to control the way your divorce will go.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, yeah, I am up way too early for a night that I didn't have to work. I couldn't sleep. Tons of things going through my mind, like usual. My meeting with the lawyer, how I am going to afford this retainer fee, bills, ect. 

I still haven't heard from the stbxh and I haven't contacted him. Yesterday, I was thinking of any reason to contact him but then would stop myself. It has only been a little over 24 hours and this is killing me but I feel better and stronger. I have a TRI that I am doing a relay in this morning for a 5k and that should be interesting. I haven't ran in forever but I am going to do it!

This is going to get so ugly and I am so scared of what he is going to try and pull out of his petty little mind to make me fall during all of this. I look into my future and see nothing except for my kids. How am I ever going to find happiness again? Is it within me and if so, how do I get there. I have never been alone in life and I am scared. I know what I want to do and what I should do but I just can't get myself to do it. It takes all I have to get daily chores done, much less anything bigger than that. But I will keep trying


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Good for you Sherri, good luck on that today!!

Just keep strong, don't contact him. You're doing real well.

No matter how ugly he tries to make it you just remember that you have come so far already and you have been able to beat him so far at his game. You are doing everything right, you just need to keep focus. From my experiences so far, I know when it counts, somehow things end up working out as I'm sure they will for you.

You know what Sherri, I ask myself the same thing every day. Someday after all this mess settles I want to see myself as a strong, happy, healthy person. I hope to find a man that loves me, is kind, and thoughtful. Someone who will be my partner and enjoy the rest of our lives together. Happy days, no more days of chaos and turmoil.

I, like you, don't even know if it will happen but I hold out hope it will. All I want is for me and my kids to find happiness. It's going to be a long road but hopefully it will be the end result.

Same for you Sherri, you may not see it right now but it will happen for you and your kids one day too. 

You aren't alone. You have friends and family but you also have us. I know this is the only way we know each other but I have come to find out that you can make some rather good friends here. We're all here pretty much for the same reason so we all share a common bond that people in our everyday life may not understand.

Whether we all continue to stay friends here, or eventually exchange cell #'s or end up friends on Facebook or somewhere else bottom line is we're all here for each other. If we have a weak moment, a crisis or need to vent we know we can rely on one another. You just need to send out a shout and someone is there to help.

Hang in there Sherri. Your doing great!!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri,
He is a classic POS. He's afraid he can no longer manipulate you, so he's starting in on his D. There is a special place in hell for any parent who would do this to their child.
I know how hard this is, but the strength you are showing is truly inspirational. Good job!
I can tell how worried you are about how this is going to turn out, but you know what I'm not. Think about this. He tried to bully you concerning the support. He tried to make you think you would have nothing and that he was in control of you. You, my dear, called his bluff by disregarding his "warning" and getting independent counsel. Then what did he do, he back down and gave you an appropriate amount of support. He doesn't know how to react to a woman that is thinking for herself. My prediction is that he may try to bully you again with lies and manipulation. When that happens, just react the way you already have. 1) Do not engage him (and that means do NOT respond to his emails/texts); 2) Get independent counsel; and 3) vent to your friends and us. We will always be there for you and have your back.
So if he does respond by email/text-do not respond, even about the divorce. It no longer matters if he wants an agreement, it no longer matters, it no longer matters.....


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thank-you both so much. I just got hom from the relay and I did really good on my 5k ... anytime I wanted to stop, I just thought of him and that kept me going. A year ago, I was doing half marathons back to back and when I found out about all of this, I just stopped working out, so going out there today and running that and not hurting right now shows me that I can still do it and I love the feeling of being with other people that share the same inspiration. We actually got 3rd place for our group in the TRI ... it was pretty cool! 

I thought about J a lot when I was out there. Seeing other husbands out there supporting their wife or families doing it together was hard. He did support me when I was doing and training for half marathons but looking back, he also hindered me b/c he wanted me to drink while I was training b/c I was always so much more relaxed .. or at least that is what he said. 

I didn't cry .. almost did, but I didn't once I just stopped thinking about him and that was hard to do. This is all just so hard. It is scary too and I just don't know how I am going to do this.

But I tell you that I did cry while reading your posts smallsteps and pluto ... it really helps to have kind and supporting words to come home to, so thank-you both so very much! 

I haven't heard from him but he did call the house this afternoon to talk to the kids but we werent' home and I have no reason to contact him again until tomorrow to let him know when I will be bringing the kids to him. THis no contact is getting easier. Everytime I think about doing it, I just don't find a reason to b/c it will just boost him. I think that he will try more stuff too Pluto but I have nothing for him anymore.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Good for you on a lot of levels, Sherri! Congrats for you and your team!! I know what you mean about those times when you see men supporting their wives, and you think "I should have that, too. What's wrong with me?" I experienced similar things. My ex started out encouraging some things I got involved in, some that were really beneficial for the whole family, but then he flipped and started sabotaging them. It's part of their messed up heads that they can't let anyone else be happy, most importantly not their wives. Try not to focus on not having him there to support you -- remember that his support was already gone. The reason you're doing this in the first place is because he's *not* in your life anymore. I wrote a similar post in my post-divorce thread about a dance performance I took part in. I totally understand those feelings. 

But you're doing a great job of going through those steps and stages on your way out from under his thumb. Just getting out and running that race, and as a part of a team yet, are great examples of that! :smthumbup:

And yeah, *not* having to hear from him, read his crappy texts and emails and listen to him on the phone and voicemail does get kind of addicting, doesn't it? Even more so than hearing from him.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Congratulations on the race!!

Couples trigger me sometimes. I work in retail and a month ago I was working in the men's area and I'm watching these wives shopping with their husbands. That is something he and I used to do. Then I pictured him and her shopping together. I fell apart. Thank goodness I work with really understanding people. Eventually I got distracted enough to snap out of it.

Good that you're feeling less and less need to contact him. You are detaching.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> It's part of their messed up heads that they can't let anyone else be happy, most importantly not their wives.


Isn't that the truth. My stbxh wasn't happy unless everyone around him was miserable. If we were happy or doing something fun, he'd find a way to ruin it.

And putting people down (especially me) was an art form for him. It's how he made himself feel good.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Nice that you ran. Post it on FB and let him see you are going to make it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Isn't that the truth. My stbxh wasn't happy unless everyone around him was miserable. If we were happy or doing something fun, he'd find a way to ruin it.
> 
> *And putting people down (especially me) was an art form for him. It's how he made himself feel good*.


YOu know, it is funny b/c mine used to do the same thing with me although, I never took it as bad. But now that we are apart, my friends are telling me that it used to drive them crazy when he did it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Good for you on a lot of levels, Sherri! Congrats for you and your team!! I know what you mean about those times when you see men supporting their wives, and you think "I should have that, too. What's wrong with me?" I experienced similar things. My ex started out encouraging some things I got involved in, some that were really beneficial for the whole family, but then he flipped and started sabotaging them. It's part of their messed up heads that they can't let anyone else be happy, most importantly not their wives. Try not to focus on not having him there to support you -- remember that his support was already gone. The reason you're doing this in the first place is because he's *not* in your life anymore. I wrote a similar post in my post-divorce thread about a dance performance I took part in. I totally understand those feelings.
> 
> But you're doing a great job of going through those steps and stages on your way out from under his thumb. Just getting out and running that race, and as a part of a team yet, are great examples of that! :smthumbup:
> 
> And yeah, *not* having to hear from him, read his crappy texts and emails and listen to him on the phone and voicemail does get kind of addicting, doesn't it? Even more so than hearing from him.


Thanks Angelpixie -- you are right, I am doing this for myself. It is the small hurdles of getting used to doing it on my own. I wanted my kids there for that reason so that I could have someone there with me at the finish line, but I had friends and that meant something. I need to get back into training for something --- anything and I am thinking of doing just that with another friend of mine who had her husband leave her about a month ago.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Nice that you ran. Post it on FB and let him see you are going to make it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He deleted his account and I just restored mine so he can't see it even if I do post about it, which I didn't. I had friends tag me in their pictures though, so it is on my page. I don't have any friends on my list that are friends with him anymore though but he knew I was doing the race, if he remembered me telling him about it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Tonight is a hard night. Sat are always hard for me b/c he gets off early and I always wonder what he is doing -- it drives me insane. 

When I got home, instead of laying down with kids or just sitting around, I actually got my yard mowed in the front and back and did the edging in the yard so I got a lot done today. I did this on purpose so that tonight, I can just go to bed. I just put the kids down and will go to bed myself as soon as I get the last load of laundry done.

When I was putting the kids to bed, I started crying b/c I hate when they do to their dad's house. I miss them so much and I just hate all of this for them. I made a collage of pictures for them in each of their rooms with pics of them and their dad and those made me cry even harder. He is a good dad, despite some things that he is doing now but I don't think he thinks about how it hurts them in the long run. 

I just have to think about how I would be feeling if he was here and how much I would dread tonight b/c he was getting off early and woudl come home and want me to do exactly what he wanted to do and I couldn't go to bed if he was coming home early either ... or else he would get mad. Then Sunday's always sucked too b/c I have to work 3rd shift and he would want me to hang with him versus sleeping when he got off work. I need to remember the bad times with him.

But the bad times are hard to focus on right now. All I can focus on is him out there by himself, looking for someone else or already with someone else. Then him buying a new house, which I know he will do sooner than later. Why do I torture myself like this? Why does he not care anymore? How could he let go of me that easy?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> When I was putting the kids to bed, I started crying b/c I hate when they do to their dad's house. I miss them so much and I just hate all of this for them. *I made a collage of pictures for them in each of their rooms with pics of them and their dad and those made me cry even harder. *He is a good dad, despite some things that he is doing now but I don't think he thinks about how it hurts them in the long run.


Why did you do this, Sherri? Looking at these pics of good times him and the kids makes it difficult for all of you. I disagree every time you assert that he is a good dad. A good dad doesn't abuse the mother of his children, nor does he do the other things your STBXH is doing. Making these collages for them actually mixes them up, IMO. They see the real life of him yelling at you, doing some of the other stuff he's done, then you make these pics for them. It's you telling them, "It's OK for your dad to do these things. See, we'll only focus on the good things like in these pictures, and I'll just put pics up of you and him, because overall, I don't matter." That's wrong for all of you. It sets a really bad example for you kids on how they should treat you, and what they should expect in future relationships. This is where they're learning about relationships, Sherri. I don't think you would want your kids treated the way you are being treated by your STBXH. So, don't glorify it. He's NOT a good father. The fact that he still sees them and does things with them makes him tolerable. He was still trying to lie about his income in order to pay less support for those same children, remember.



sherri1997 said:


> I just have to think about how I would be feeling if he was here and how much I would dread tonight b/c he was getting off early and woudl come home and want me to do exactly what he wanted to do and I couldn't go to bed if he was coming home early either ... or else he would get mad. Then Sunday's always sucked too b/c I have to work 3rd shift and he would want me to hang with him versus sleeping when he got off work. I need to remember the bad times with him.
> 
> But the bad times are hard to focus on right now. All I can focus on is him out there by himself, looking for someone else or already with someone else. Then him buying a new house, which I know he will do sooner than later. Why do I torture myself like this? Why does he not care anymore? How could he let go of me that easy?


You must focus on the bad times, Sherri. It's very, very easy for someone in a situation like yours to forget those bad times -- out of sight, out of mind. The pain fades away when he's not reinforcing it everyday anymore. But it was real and it was awful. AND HE HASN'T CHANGED. 

The feelings about him letting you go are some of the worst, I know. But that is where you need to turn your focus on to you and not him. At this point, try to stop figuring him out. He's nuts. It's not possible to figure out the reason for everything he's done. Turn your energy towards the future. Eventually, I had to realize that if he hadn't dumped me, I never would have left on my own, no matter how bad it got, and believe me, it was bad. I was so co-dependent, I was not even a person of my own anymore. I believed in my vows, and I didn't want my son to grow up in a split-up household. What I eventually had to get through my thick skull was that nothing would have improved. That the ONLY way I could be healthy was away from him, and since I wasn't able to take those steps, I should be grateful in a way that he pushed me out. It doesn't excuse any of what he did, but it was a way that I could take a situation I never wanted and turn it into something good for me, and consequently, my son. I was not able to be the mother I wanted to be while I was with his father. Now, I'm able to be closer to that person. 

Try turning your focus away from what he's doing when he's not with you. We only have a limited time in this life, Sherri. You've wasted enough of it on this loser. You've got a lot of catching up to do. Start looking at what *you* will be doing, now that you're away from him. Relish that you can go to bed when you want to, instead of being under his thumb. Start being grateful for even the small improvements in your life now that he's getting out of it. 

And please, stop propping him up to your kids. It's sending a really mixed message to them, and not doing you any good. Just be neutral.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

YOu know what Angelpixie -- You are exactly right. I thought I was doing something good for the kids by making sure that they had pics of them together with their dad but I didn't think about how it might confuse them. I feel so stupid now. They know what is going on and they know that what he did isn't right ... that is probably why they hate going there so much.

And I do keep saying he is a good dad and if he was the dad that they needed, then he wouldn't have stepped out on the marriage and put them in this situation. He wouldn't have given up on their mother and made her feel like it was her fault. He would look at the state guidelines and pay what was needed for his children -- I am not asking for anything more but yet, he has left me feeling like I am doing something wrong. This again, is abuse on his end. I hate using that word but it is a mental game that he plays with me.

Still no word from him and I haven't made contact with him in over 2 days ... it has been great that I know that I can do that and will continue to do that outside of the kids. My daughter has her first parents lunch tomorrow and I don't know what to do about that? Any advice as I haven't reminded him of that yet and I want to go there for her but I DO NOT want to be around him at all.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sherri,
I am so incredibly proud of you for the run. This is such a positive, healthy activity for you. I completely agree that working out with your friend will be good for you on so many levels.
Now about the pictures. I understand where your heart may have been. You are still holding on to the idea of the family you wanted to have, the one with the loving supportive father and husband. Stand up and take a deep breath and look, because he is not there, and I doubt he was ever there. People going through divorce are bombarded with advice not to bash the ex in front of the kids. Fine. But don't put them up on a pedestal, either. Even if a divorce was amicable (which yours really isn't) the other parent cannot live up to the hype and it opens up the possibility that the kids will be disappointed when the expectations can't be met. They need to find out what kind of a relationship they want from their father, and it is on him to make that relationship happen. You have to let that happen naturally. For the first three or four months of our separation I just didn't mention him, for anything. We arranged our home, I did some renovation work (that he refused to do), and we organized our lives. When he did visit, he had to hear their anger and frustration. Now, since I've detached from our abusive relationship and we've all had a chance to heal, I can mention things we did in the past to the kids and it doesn't hurt. I still don't bad mouth him, but he's done enough damage totally on his own that the kids understand that they cannot depend on him for anything. He hasn't seen them in almost six months now. It breaks my heart, but we will be ok. And so will you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> YOu know what Angelpixie -- You are exactly right. I thought I was doing something good for the kids by making sure that they had pics of them together with their dad but I didn't think about how it might confuse them. I feel so stupid now. They know what is going on and they know that what he did isn't right ... that is probably why they hate going there so much.
> 
> And I do keep saying he is a good dad and if he was the dad that they needed, then he wouldn't have stepped out on the marriage and put them in this situation. He wouldn't have given up on their mother and made her feel like it was her fault. He would look at the state guidelines and pay what was needed for his children -- I am not asking for anything more but yet, he has left me feeling like I am doing something wrong. This again, is abuse on his end. I hate using that word but it is a mental game that he plays with me.
> 
> Still no word from him and I haven't made contact with him in over 2 days ... it has been great that I know that I can do that and will continue to do that outside of the kids. My daughter has her first parents lunch tomorrow and I don't know what to do about that? Any advice as I haven't reminded him of that yet and I want to go there for her but I DO NOT want to be around him at all.


I don't have any advice on that but on take your kid to work day s15 went to work with his sister at her office instead of going with his father. I didn't even mention it to stbxh. S15 had already said he didn't want to go with him.

His father called me and was annoyed I never told him.

It's your call. I think you'd be better off if he doesn't go but you know it will get back to him sooner or later.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I used to do the same thing -- make sure Ex didn't forget about DS's things at school, etc. Now I don't. It hurts me a lot when Ex forgets something of DS', but I'm not covering for him anymore. I did that the whole time we were married. I would go to your DD's parent's lunch for her and you. Don't remind him. He's a grown man, and this is part of the life HE CHOSE. It's on him to sink or swim as a father. It's hard when you don't want to see your kids hurt, I know, believe me. Most of us have dealt with that. But the kids will figure it out on their own. The biggest thing is that we are stable, we are honest, and they can trust us. If we create a false picture of the other parent, and it's different from the person they're actually spending time with, they won't trust us.

From this point on, Sherri, it's about you and your kids. You don't have to bad-mouth him. He'll take care of that on his own.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

My stbxh wouldn't miss anything like this with the kids. Thankfully, he is still very much in their lives. I put up the pictures b/c I took the rest down from the house, but looking back, I don't think it was a good idea now. I just wanted the kids to have pics of him somewhere and I thought that would be best in their rooms. 

I went to drop the kids off to him just now and he is acting weird again. Just being short and cut and dry with me. He seemed a bit annoyed actually. He asked me about the lunch tomorrow and I told him that either him or I could go. He said, whatever works for you. So, I told him I would go b/c I didn't think it was a good idea for both of us to go. He said "ok, whatever". So I am going with her tomorrow. 

He gave me the check for child support and on the memo line he put ..... "child support" like mocking what it was. He does little things like that to try and piss me off. He didn't mention anything about lawyers or anything else. When I was leaving, he said "I hope you have a wonderful night" in a smartass tone. Who knows what has him all pissed off now or what I did to piss him off. I don't really care. I have cried enough today in church and at home.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Putting 'child support' on the memo was probably so he would have a record of it for his lawyer. It will also say that on the duplicate of the check or the cancelled check. I'll bet he was told to do that in order to document payments he'd made.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Putting 'child support' on the memo was probably so he would have a record of it for his lawyer. It will also say that on the duplicate of the check or the cancelled check. I'll bet he was told to do that in order to document payments he'd made.


Yeah -- I thought about that too b/c he has never written a check out before and has always given me cash. I am good with him keeping a record of it. Still unsure about why he is being a jerk again all of a sudden?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> *I just want to be stronger and more confident in myself and I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am always walking around in a cloud*. Last week, was the first time I felt somewhat normal and then I get home and I am slammed with all this again.



Listen to me...stop looking at him. He's a ********* who wants to get under your skin...goes out of his way to put that music on his cell when you call etc etc...his threats etc etc...

You want to get stronger?? Really? Change your focus girl...you need to start looking in the mirror...get your azz to the gym...stay busy, color your hair, diet, gain weight, buy a bracelt, a pair of earings, a necklace...something for yourself...wear it...and put some gloss on your lips and friggin SMILE when you see that douchbag! You want back in control? You want power? START ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE IT! And crumble behind closed doors only...so yea..have those crumbling moments but you 'find ways' to rebuild...only 'you' can do it..no one is gonna do it for you! Get in the best shape of your life...learn to box, take a bat and beat up old shxt...it's theraputic...

But start taking back control...no one says you can't hurt...but you 'can' divert your eyes... you 'can act'...when your around him...and when you do have to talk to him...grab this situation by the balls man...and choke 'em blue baby...because if you don't...it's not going to be good...and it will take you longer...and things will get rougher...so you just come on here and feel your pain...but when it comes to dealing with him 'in anyway' your friggin wonder woman whos in control... kapeesh? 

You have 'no idea'...how much this will give you a kick start to keeping that control...and helping you heal...

eat right...sleep...couseling...meds if needed...whatever it takes to get and keep energy though...don't be zombie'ish etc etc... walk...run...swim...etc etc... 'you work out'....'he doesn't need to be the only one who can improve yanno!!!! screw that... 
do somthing funky with your hair...and join the gym...etc...  

get it together girl... and hang onto it...every single day...you got this...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> Thank-you both so much.* I just got hom from the relay and I did really good on my 5k ... *anytime I wanted to stop, I just thought of him and that kept me going. A year ago, I was doing half marathons back to back and when I found out about all of this, I just stopped working out, so going out there today and running that and not hurting right now shows me that I can still do it and I love the feeling of being with other people that share the same inspiration. We actually got 3rd place for our group in the TRI ... it was pretty cool!
> 
> I thought about J a lot when I was out there. Seeing other husbands out there supporting their wife or families doing it together was hard. He did support me when I was doing and training for half marathons but looking back, he also hindered me b/c he wanted me to drink while I was training b/c I was always so much more relaxed .. or at least that is what he said.
> 
> ...


Just caught up and read this! Wow! I'm proud of you! haha!!!!!!! I get ahead of myself... um...often.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> Listen to me...stop looking at him. He's a ********* who wants to get under your skin...goes out of his way to put that music on his cell when you call etc etc...his threats etc etc...
> 
> You want to get stronger?? Really? Change your focus girl...you need to start looking in the mirror...get your azz to the gym...stay busy, color your hair, diet, gain weight, buy a bracelt, a pair of earings, a necklace...something for yourself...wear it...and put some gloss on your lips and friggin SMILE when you see that douchbag! You want back in control? You want power? START ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE IT! And crumble behind closed doors only...so yea..have those crumbling moments but you 'find ways' to rebuild...only 'you' can do it..no one is gonna do it for you! Get in the best shape of your life...learn to box, take a bat and beat up old shxt...it's theraputic...
> 
> ...


You are so right! Thank-you for this post, it was the asskicking that I needed! I just set up a workout tomorrow and will be doing hill work and running sprints! 

Reading over this, I had to laugh b/c I have done so much of that stuff and didn't even realize it until you wrote about it and I did it all with a smile on face for him. I cut all my hair off when I lost 40 pds and still have about 15 more to go until I would feel great. I have kept my yard looking pretty and green -- without his help! I have learned to keep this house up on the outside -- without him and neightbors even comment on how great the yard looks! I have done my makeup everyday when I see him and on days that I don't in order to feel better on the gloomy days. I feel like crap every single time that I see him but I always put a smile on my face for the kids and I am not understanding that he has no idea how I am feeling inside. I don't have to let him have that control anymore!

And you are right -- this is the time to make the change and it starts and ends with me, myself and I. It is not going to be easy and I will crumble on here probably everyday but as long as he doesnt' know he has that power, then I can get up the next morning and fake it until I make it! 

Thanks again Stellamoon -- just what I needed to hear and by the way -- I just started reading your blog -- I love it!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So I am going to write here versus writing to him. I re-read his texts that I had saved in my files for the lawyers and I got upset, mad, bitter, cold, sad, pissed and all other emotions that I can't think of right now b/c I am tired and at work. I can't do that again. I can't let his words get to me like they do. I know the truth and I have to remember that truth b/c he turns it around on me.

I am trying to focus on the things that I did in the marriage or my part in the fallout of our marriage. I was not a perfect wife and I have my faults that I need to make sure I don't carry over with me. I want to try and focus on those and remember those so that I don't make the same mistakes again. Nothing I did will ever be an excuse for him bringing another woman into his life and I know that wasn't my fault and I will not carry that with me.

Sunday evenings are tough when he has the kids. I am not sure why this week was harder with letting the kids go but I am getting more and more emotional about it b/c I miss them. I hate that they are gone. And I know that I need the break from them but I don't like having breaks and I like having them around. I miss them when they aren't here and I so wish I could to bed tonight with my daughter and curl up with her but I can't b/c she is there and i am here.

I want to just have this over with. I don't want to worry anymore about the financial parts of this. I just want it to be over so that I am not in limbo, waiting for the other ball to drop. These calm times when him and I aren't talking and fighting are the scary moments for me. I know that at some point, he is going to take my silence and kill it but I will be ready this time. I will not allow him to take control over my emotions. 

But tonight, I am going to cry. I am going to cry for my dreams that I had with him. I am going to cry for the life that I invisioned with him. I am going to cry for my children b/c I didn't want them to be in a broken home. I am going to cry for myself b/c I hate that I still love him. And I am going to cry for him b/c deep down, he is a good man .. he just doesn't have the direction in life that he needs and seeks his direction from his mother, which is a toxic relationship. I am just going to cry b/c it hurts to go through this. 

But in the morning, I am going to put that smile back on and go join my daughter for her school lunch b/c she deserves that and I can't wait to see her!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well said Sherri. Better to journal here than let the emotions build up inside.

This will all be over soon for you and you will come out victorious. You will be able to move on to a wonderful life with your kids. A life without his toxic mess bringing you down. There is nothing we can do to bring the people we fell in love with back. That's what makes this so hard, they have changed for some reason and its not for the better. We need to let them go and let them pick up the pieces to the mess they created.

Mourn what was lost. Truth is the end of a marriage is like a death. The end of the life you envisioned. The dreams you had. The image of the person your stbx once was. But with every end there is always a new beginning, this is your transition phase, the start of your new beginning. When you are ready, enjoy it, celebrate it.

(((Hugs))) to you girl. You're doing a fantastic job dealing with all this.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Well said, SSteps. Your post really resonated with me, Sherri. It is a death of a dream, even if, when you're really honest, that dream died long ago. It's probably been a long time since your H was that man you fell in love with. You just got used to it, in a bad way, and still held on to the dream that 'someday' he'd come back and it would get better. 

I don't know if you've heard it yet, but just in case you haven't, I've heard the analogy that living in an abusive relationship is a lot like the story of a frog killed by boiling water. If the frog was dropped into a pot of already boiling water, it would have jumped right back out, because of the pain and the danger. But if you put the frog in a pot of warm or cool water, and very gradually increased the temperature, the frog would never leave, and would let itself be cooked. Rather graphic, but totally accurate. Many, many of us mourn the loss of 'what we had' when we are first out of an abusive relationship. Later on, when we're clear of it all, we look back and wonder why we stayed so long, why we didn't see earlier that we didn't have what we thought we had. We'd been fooled by that gradually rising temperature, so to speak. 

I remember in my old thread, talking about missing the good parts of my H, and wondering what happened. Another poster summed it up nicely: 'He hasn't been your husband for a long time. He's just the guy you're married to.' 

There's a song by Kate Bush that really fit our relationship on many levels, from the beginning to the end. It's called Love and Anger. The chorus is:

_Take away the love and the anger,
And a little piece of hope holding us together.
Looking for a moment that'll never happen,
Living in the gap between past and future.
Take away the stone and the timber,
And a little piece of rope won't hold it together._

I had to realize that I lived a great deal of our marriage in that gap between past and future. Missing the good parts from the early days, and waiting for the 'thing' that would make it better and get us to that better future. Years went by, and I didn't even see it, because I was so focused on the dream.

Kate Bush - Love and Anger - Official Music Video - YouTube

You'll be OK, Sherri. It's OK to be honest with yourself and own your part in things, but right now, with the kind of dynamic you two have, the most important thing is to focus on not letting him pull you down. He'll be more than happy to remind you of every little thing you ever did wrong. You will have time to go back and learn from your own mistakes as time goes by. Just be careful that you don't turn into your own worst critic. Right now, you need to be your own best advocate.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi Sherri,

I was failure as a husband. Only after hanging out on TAM and reading and reading have I realized the extent of my failings. I am considering writing a letter to my ex to tell, even though we have been divorced for some time.

Actions speak louder than words. I realize that insight is useless without change even now even starting tomorrow. I cannot give my ex back the killed dreams. I am sorry for that but maybe I can be a better co parent and become a friend. Actually she invited me over for my birthday in few days so that my daughters, she and I would be together. I don't deserve it really.

Not to shift the blame but to explain at least in part why a husband can fail so badly. I was emotionally abused as child and I never faced up to that in an honest way. Burying it made me actually do the same stupid things that my emotionally abusive father did. Of course, I created my own flavor of mess up, but I am shocked by the similarities.

Perhaps for your ex also had unresolved issues that he failed to confront. If you have insight into his character, you can tell him why you think he did the cräp he did, not to give him an excuse, but an opportunity to see it and own up.

A little blame shifting to society: young men are poorly educated to understand women or marriage. TAM is full recommendations for self help books. This is really sad. Hollywood, religion, TV, etc. give us ideas about marriage that are just wrong.

A lot of guys think that they have to chase and chase, and for those beta men, and most of us are beta by definition, we some how managed to win a woman's hand. Unfortunately, from that point on we actually need to become more alpha, leaders ourselves and our families as much as possible to remain attractive to our spouses and on top of life.

What woman wants a husband who is passive. Why do women lose passion for their husbands? There are good reasons. Men are also unprepared for the biological aspects of psychology. A woman whose emotional and physical needs are not being met at 30+ may unconsciously find herself drifting away.

If we had better educated ourselves about these problems we'd meet them better.

I think you are right to pursue divorce. You may not have the power to change your Stbxh now. However, there is not harm in firmly planting some critical ideas in his mind so that he can change. It may take a decade or may never happen but it is not a mistake to take stand, probably in fewer words than I have written here.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I understand your post, LW, and I appreciate your honesty, but I would respectfully counter that if Sherri decides to do what you suggest, that she should wait til after the D and after things have calmed down, if they do. Her husband has issued some vague threats against her. I'd be afraid to suggest to him anything that he might want to look at in himself. He's totally in the phase of blaming her for everything. Until he can even see that he had a _part_ in things blowing up, much less admit to being abusive, then she might well be putting herself in danger (worst case scenario).

It is good that you are trying to work on yourself. For anyone who was abused as a kid, emotionally, physically or sexually, we can really only heal and be good partners if we deal with all of that and it's effects on us. Problem is, a lot of us don't even realize how messed up we are until we are in a relationship as an adult. I would hope that at some point, our society might open up the subject of emotional abuse in high school, before kids get into long-term relationships. Maybe if they see similarities in their own lives, they will see that a.) it's not healthy or normal, b.) there is help, and c.) they can have a better adulthood and healthy relationships. That's something that will help males and females.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/66997-wtf.html

there's my 'wtf' thread...I had a thread prior...but deleted it...if you have time for a read. 

Your doing well girl...and yes post your thoughts and feelings and letters to him 'here'... absolutely...vent vent vent... and keep that face of yours shining when you deal with him....he doesn't need to know shxt about you anymore...nothing. 

As for pain and all that...we go through and strength...believe me...you will gain it...read my thread...read everyones thread...read read read...and 'trust'...we get through it...and we have each other here... and someone is always on the clock...  

bed time for me... 0x0x0x...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> So I am going to write here versus writing to him. I re-read his texts that I had saved in my files for the lawyers and I got upset, mad, bitter, cold, sad, pissed and all other emotions that I can't think of right now b/c I am tired and at work. I can't do that again. I can't let his words get to me like they do. I know the truth and I have to remember that truth b/c he turns it around on me.
> 
> I am trying to focus on the things that I did in the marriage or my part in the fallout of our marriage. I was not a perfect wife and I have my faults that I need to make sure I don't carry over with me. I want to try and focus on those and remember those so that I don't make the same mistakes again. Nothing I did will ever be an excuse for him bringing another woman into his life and I know that wasn't my fault and I will not carry that with me.
> 
> ...


Yes. As did I. I cried and cried and cried...and I still can cry...reading this made me cry...with you. I've screamed and hollered out in guttural agony. I feel no shame for feeling what I do. Because 'i feel'...

my stbxh...however, has no soul. He's not a good man. He was a soul suxcker. No moral compass...shell of a man...cruel who lacked sympathy, empathy...and every other 'athy' there is...

and knowing this...having lived this...like you are today, right now...'we both' will wake up in the morning and put that smile back on our faces...

...these are mere men honey...they are 'not our oxygen' nor the blood that runs through our veins... 

...and by the way...there's more out there


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Sherri, 
How's everything going??


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi Sherri, 

Caught your post here, I just wanted to say that I think you are so strong and an inspiration to a lot of people and will be to your own children. 

I have been in your position with an ex-husband and more recently with a Narcissist, who loves his mother and acts as her surrogate husband yes I picked that up out of your posts and can totally relate to your feelings. The N has been given big gifts by his mother, son, and others who believe that deeds and gifts bring you love. 

Unfortunately he has never been able to hold onto true love which includes unconditional love, empathy, compassion, caring, and so on it's such a shame, so with Stella on this one it's damn sad. 

I am proud of you for running, losing weight still taking care of yourself and I am sure your H is noticing all these changes and must be absolutely kicking himself. 

I also saw where you said he dumped you and didn't fight for you, that was exactly my case 6 wks ago I was shocked over the trivial reason for the break up since I had been supporting, loving and gave all those wonderful traits any loving woman would. However he was selfish, even when my dad died he wasn't there for me Aug 15th, but he failed to tell me that we had split up what an a..e. So that's a good question to ask yourself would this man ever be there for you in a crisis when they are so consumed with themselves, and have been raised with their controlling mother, and absent or distant father think not. 

Getting that yard done good for you that's what I am doing now, and I get so mad when I am mowing and think of him when the mower is too hard to push lol! 

You are on the home stretch now almost I know it's hard when I think about what I went through with my ex and with the kids, oh I shudder to think. But he is on his 4th Vietnamese wife, can't deal with a wife from here he has had the younger one and now bought this one ha ha! 

Here is something that I have done, I have female friends, but I am also building up my army of male friends too, I go out with them not even on dates just to lunch and it's working out great having a male perspective on things too. 

I wish you well and much support..


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