# Can't seem to get on track with one another



## danztchr (Jun 17, 2015)

So this is my second marriage and in my first one we put our money together, one account no problems, easy to agree on. This time around my new husband was very frugal in the beginning of our relationship, had a lot of savings from years on the road being a roadie, but then his dad was dying from cancer and he switched jobs 2-3 times, blew through his savings and what his dad left him when he did die in January. Just complete breakdown. His new job does not pay well at all so we're struggling bad. I own my own business if that explains anything. i wasn't financially prepared when my first husband left me and really haven't been great with money to begin with. I was so excited when we first got together that he could help me, we'd do better, but then the past 8 months or so has been hellish. He's taken cash I left out that belonged to my business, took my credit cards without asking, and the past few weeks he has barely given me any bill money which is stressing me out! I've tried to be understanding of the stress of his dad dying and plus we paid for our wedding in April too, though I paid for the majority of it. He did buy tons of stuff for our house when he blew through the money so it's not completely selfish. It's just hard that what's his is his and what's mine is his. We each kept our own savings and now have a joint checking but it's still taking adjustment. In his defense, I am a bit of a control freak and I do all the bills plus I suffer from anxiety. It's like neither of us trust the other. He did get screwed over by an ex who took a ton of money from him so I get that. I just wish we could get on and stick to a budget, figure this all out. Just kinda needing to vent. Too embarrassed to tell my friends. Any suggestions, advice, things to try? Thanks ahead of time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

By your admission you weren't good with money before you married current dude. Also, by your admission, you were all excited when you two first got together because he'd be helping you with bills. Also, by your admission, he has bought a ton of stuff for "our" house. I noticed that when you mentioned the money he invested in the home it was "our" home but when you mentioned money you had earned it was "my" money. Pardon me for saying so. I don't know either of you from Adam's cat. Just from what you wrote and they way you wrote it, it sounds as if you intended to use his money for your benefit but you resent him using money you earned. The "what's mine is mine and what's your's is mine" phrase seems like it could be applied to you. Perhaps it hasn't worked out that way but it sounds like that was your intent. 

I would be surprised to find a financial genius working as a roadie. His blowing through a large sum of money in a short period sounds more consistent with my impression of roadies. You probably know for a fact the size of his inheritance and the speed with which it was spent. Other than him telling you he had saved the earlier large sum from working as a roadie, do you have any other evidence to prove where it came from? If it wasn't money saved but it came from some other source all in one lump sum (selling something, work settlement, insurance settlement), then it's likely he's just a poor money manager by nature. If it did come from saving his earnings over a long time, the death of his father may have put a temporary zap on his head causing him to act far out of character. If he's just a poor manager of money, both of you attending a Dave Ramsey seminar might be the solution. If he's all whacked out because his dad passed away, he probably needs psychological intervention. If he's temporarily broke (emotionally or psychologically) that isn't evidence of bad character or lack of desire to partner with you. Just means the man is temporarily sick or traumatized. Could be the first step is to figure out whether you are dealing with a sick person or dealing with an adult who never has been a decent money manager.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Danztcher, the first thing I would say is that it is not a good idea for you to pay all the bills. Your husband NEEDS to see exactly what's coming in versus what is going out, including how much money is left for you and him after you pay bills each month, IF ANY. Put a spreadsheet together (if you haven't already) listing all of your monthly expenses including regular monthly bills and variable expenses, and include your income. Figure out if you have ANY money left over for you guys to spend. Make him sit down with you and show it to him so he gets it. You guys may just have to buckle down and tighten the budget until the bills get under control or you make more money.

I would ask him to pay some of the bills, and you pay some of them. That way he feels engaged and he will have a better appreciation for how much he can spend. Hang in there. My husband is not good with money either, so it's a battle, but he has gotten better. But we BOTH have to be involved with the bill paying for it to work.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Oh, and him taking your credit cards without asking? Not appropriate. I'm assuming he doesn't have credit cards? What is he spending the credit card money on? Do you have access to each other's savings accounts? You may want to just have ONE joint checking account with savings account as well. Then there is nothing for anyone to hide.


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## danztchr (Jun 17, 2015)

Thank you both for your replies. 

Unbelievable, yes I know I am at fault here too. i wasn't trying to say that and some of my wording was a mistake. I do not mean to say my money solely and then our house. I owned the house and all bills were in my name when he moved in is where some of this comes from. If you could see, you'd see I am very giving of what I bring into the house, our marriage. I do not feel he's the same way always. I do know that yes, because he was a roadie for so long and they have no real bills and live off per diem, he's not the world's best money manager. I tell him often that I'm not sure he gets how the real world works in some ways on this subject. I saw his bank account slips and was very involved when his dad was dying so yes, these were 2 separate things. I was not excited that he had money when we got together, not what I meant, I was excited to see him handle his bills and things and how he wouldn't needlessly spend, was very frugal. Yet, that changed with all the stress and tragedy took over and he's just not back on track or right yet. I believe what you said is true, he is a little broke emotionally, financially, physically right now. I totally get the being depressed and just spending money to try and fill that hole. I've been in that place before myself. I would love to do one of the Dave Ramsey things, but again, that takes money that we don't have right now, even for his books...That is why I come here with this story, because we don't know what to do to get ourselves together. We have tried a few things, but not there yet. I'm looking for people who understand, have been through similar situations, can offer advice. 

bluezone, no he does not have credit cards and yes I know what he spent the money on. Cigarettes, food, etc. He has stopped doing that, but he wanted us to split bills all down the middle yet hasn't been putting his half in the joint checking account. I've shown him printoffs of our needs/bills, not a spreadsheet, but if you can show, send me an example, maybe that would work? I've tried to budget with him but he doesn't stay or abide by it. 

Thanks again and I will gladly take any more advice or anything anyone can provide.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've never been to one of Ramsey's seminars or bought any of his books but I've heard enough of his stuff on the radio to get a pretty good idea of his financial management ideas. I also noticed there are a bunch of videos online, freely available. We've got used bookstores in my area and you probably do in your's. All the financial planning advice in the world won't help if he's got a temporary screw loose. Since money is tight you might check around with some local churches. One in my town had a retired psychologist who did counseling for free as part of her ministry. She'd cost hundreds per hour if she were still in private practice but because it's a church thing, it was on the cheap. It'd be worth a few phone calls to find out what's available. I think most trained preachers get a heavy dose of counseling education and if they can't handle something, odds are they have a trained professional in their congregation they could reach out to. I'd think grief counseling would be right up the alley of most experienced clergy. They do end of life counseling, preach funerals, etc. They've been around dead folks. If you can get one to do anything, you might explore what's available among the public health social work crowd. You might also check in with your police department. They deal with dead folks and people in mental health crisis all the time. They also probably have some PTSD prevention counseling for their officers. This wouldn't be an appropriate problem for the police to handle but they probably know local resources and can steer you in the right direction. Cops also know what money struggles are and they deal with people who have money problems all the time. They probably know some resources in that regard. As sick as it sounds, cops aren't bad folks to know when you (or your spouse) are looking for a job. We know everybody. We also arrest folks on the job and we get to people who die on their jobs before their body is cold. We are among the first to know about job openings.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cancel the joint checking accounts.

Cancel the credit cards. Cut them up.

Whatever you do, PROTECT your interests in YOUR home. Even if it means hiring a lawyer to put all your ducks in a row.

Demand that he contribute his half to the kitty. Otherwise, it's time to reconsider this marriage. Is this just a marriage of financial convenience for him? Time to ask yourself some tough questions.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

check out this forum for financial discussions. very friendly. Your Money | Your Money and More

Is your new husband an authorized user on your credit cards? If not, then he is using them "illegally" I imagine (but you'd still likely be responsible for marital debt). If not, tell him that once he straightens up you'll add him as an authorized user and he can have his own card with his own name on it...a "reward" for good behavior.

You can get all sorts of free information about debt planning/repayment on the internet, about Dave Ramsey's method or not. There's no need for you to financially support Ramsey's financial empire.


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