# full of resentment... afraid to blow up on him



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi guys. I'm expecting a call from my husband, most likely tonight or tomorrow morning. We are long distance, as he is in India and is taking care of his ill mother. Anyone wanting more info can see my other thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...062-long-distance-marriage-falling-apart.html

In the last month since she became acutely ill, he has been in crisis mode. I've done my best to help him, reaching out to him as much as I can, looking up health stuff for him online etc (as I'm a med student). But no matter how much effort I've put in, it doesn't seem to be enough, as he has been very demanding "Look up this health topic for me" "Why aren't you responding to my emails fast enough?" (when it had only been 1-3 hours since he emailed) etc etc. He has been completely unloving and unappreciative of all I've done. He even told me about a week ago that he thought I had 'no sense' because I wasn't as sympathetic to his situation as he expected me to be. I've tried talking to him about how I still need him to be my husband despite this crisis, but he says that I'm 'always complaining'. (I don't know where this is coming from as I've never complained, simply want to talk to him about my feelings.) He is unwilling to listen, and starts attempting to guilt trip me for 'complaining' when he is the one going through such a rough time with his mom's illness. I am sympathetic for him that his mom is ill, but I don't think it's an excuse to throw away our marriage.

I see a therapist for counseling, and her take on all this is that my husband compartmentalizes one crisis situation at a time. Due to his mom's illness he is focused on being a good son, and has forgotten that he is a husband as well. She says that I need to tell him that I'm not 'complaining' when I try to talk to him about our problems, but simply that I'm fighting to save this marriage. But I don't think he'll understand this, as he just sees it as me with the problem. He seems to think I need to put aside all my needs to help him in this rough situation. 

Since he hasn't been willing to listen to me, I've started to emotionally check out over the last 10 days. I've stopped calling him, though I receive his calls. He mentioned some days ago how he is the only one calling me. This last week, his mom has started getting better, and I've noticed he is becoming much happier. Three days ago he called me in the middle of my sleep to tell me that his mom's fever was reduced. Although I was happy to know this, I thought it would have been more respectful if he had simply waited for me to have a proper sleep. Then he started making some sexually teasing comments, but I was in no mood for that, as I've been emotionally starved the last month. He could tell I was groggy from being woken up, and wasn't thrilled that I wanted to go back to sleep rather than chat with him about his mom (again). So he hasn't called me back in the last 3 days, as I'm sure he's expecting my call as we normally talk daily. But I'm so furious with him right now for the emotional neglect, that I feel I'm about to explode. So I'm intentionally not calling to spare him my wrath. How do we get through this? I'm so full of resentment right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems that you have so much bottled up inside of you. Perhaps if you were to start writing what you feel and thing. Just get it all out. You don't have to send it to anyone. The purpose is just to get it out of your head. Get all that resentment out of you.

Then once you have done that, you might want to email him telling him how much you miss him. That emotional neglect you feel is you missing him. It's very hard to maintain an emotional connection over a long distance like you are trying to do. If you write him your feelings in an email he will read them. It will give it all time to sink into his thoughts. If you do this, stay way from blaming him...

Say things like "when you did not have time to spend with me I felt neglected and unloved. Please don't take this as complaining to you. I'm sharing my deep sadness about our separation and my missing you."


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks Ele for the idea of writing things down. Writing an email may be the only way to communicate with him, though I've tried this before a few weeks ago (trying to sound as gentle as possible), yet he wrote me back then that he was sad that I was blaming him during this difficult time.

We actually were just talking right now on Skype as he called me. He said he'd been waiting for my call the last 2 days, as the battery hasn't been working on the phone he uses to make outgoing calls (I had forgotten this). He was looking so handsome, that I just wanted to kiss him through the computer. You are right that I badly miss him. I didn't say anything about wanting him... but simply told him that he was looking handsome. We didn't talk about our issues though, as he only had 15 minutes to talk and so I didn't bring up the issue. He was in good spirits and told me to tell him something interesting, but I didn't have all that much to say, and simply sat there looking at him longingly while he did most of the casual chatting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rks1 said:


> Thanks Ele for the idea of writing things down. Writing an email may be the only way to communicate with him, though I've tried this before a few weeks ago (trying to sound as gentle as possible), yet he wrote me back then that he was sad that I was blaming him during this difficult time.
> 
> We actually were just talking right now on Skype as he called me. He said he'd been waiting for my call the last 2 days, as the battery hasn't been working on the phone he uses to make outgoing calls (I had forgotten this). He was looking so handsome, that I just wanted to kiss him through the computer. You are right that I badly miss him. I didn't say anything about wanting him... but simply told him that he was looking handsome. We didn't talk about our issues though, as he only had 15 minutes to talk and so I didn't bring up the issue. He was in good spirits and told me to tell him something interesting, but I didn't have all that much to say, and simply sat there looking at him longingly while he did most of the casual chatting.


Write him an email saying what you said here .. how good he looked, how you long for him ... 

if you want you could post your email here or send it via PM (private message) to get some feed back to make sure you are not saying things in a way that blames him... 

It's important to use the word "you" as little as possible when talking about things... instead use "I feel... "


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## Happy_in_love (Feb 4, 2012)

I get what you are saying & that you are truly trying your best & I am NOT justifying your partners behaviour at all! All I'm saying is maybe it would hurt less if you think of things froma different perspective - your husbands mom is sick - he wants to be there for her,he is worried about her - he's not thinkg straight now. This is a difficult time for him as well. The fact that he is difficult and feels like you are not doing enough - (although you are) could simplybe miscommunication. People don't speak the same love languages (read the book 5 love languages), while you might be trying your best to support him - he might not see it that way because he needs you to support him differently in a way he recognises. I understand that you are hurt,and have bottled up your emotions. What I suggest at this point is what EleGirl said - write it down (or speak to someone) just to get it out of your system because to throw all this bottled up emotions at your husband now is only going to make things worse.What I would also suggest, after you have gotten this out ouf your system,is to talk to him,and firstly say that you are sorry that he feels that you haven't supported him enough, but that you have tried,and that you love him & want to know what you can do to support him better. Then you tell him- that you have missed him,how much you love him & tell him that you don't want to sound whining but that you need him too.( No complaining). Just tell him you need your husband, and you understand that he needs to be there for his mother - but you need him too. One more thing: You can stop the arguments and the cold war going on between you - even if you were not the guilty party - a fire of arguments, hurtful remarks etc can only keep burning if you addmore wood and fire to it - reminding him how much you love him, how much you care and that you want him with you, and want to be there for him is sure to put water on this fire. It's hard to be nice to someone who you feel has hurt you- but also remember - that it is hard to be mean and inconsiderate of a persons feelings when they keep supporting you & loving you - meaning - try to change your point of view and attitude and it,tell him you you feel in a nice way, be there for him,love him unconditionally, and I am sure your positive attitude will wash over to him as well. Good luck!


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your advice! I did write him a loving email this morning. I didn't share all my hurt feelings, but simply that I miss him and I am troubled by our communication issues. He responded by being loving in return, and then we talked to each other on the phone afterwards. Not everything is fully out on the table, but the doors to communication have opened. I'm very grateful!

One thing is still troubling me though... he wants me to come to India this month and visit him (as it's the only break I have this year away from school). Otherwise, I might not get to visit him until Christmas. The problem is that his mom had active Tuberculosis which spread to her brain, which is infectious and deadly (if not treated). Although she is currently undergoing treatment, he and his brother and dad are very likely to be infected as they spent the majority of the last month with her in her room. Until they themselves get tested and treated, it's not fully safe for me to go there. Although I can get treated for TB if I am exposed to it, the drugs are quite toxic to the liver and thus it is best for me not to be exposed to it if I don't have to. My parents are unhappy that he is pushing me to come there to be with him, as they think he is not caring for my ultimate well-being, but rather his short term gratification. I am on the verge of booking my tickets to go there, but I don't really know what to think of this. I'm not sure if he is the one being selfish, or if I am. Thoughts??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rks,
This situation is a bit complicated. If her treatment is working she should not be contagious at this point. However you are right that he/his brother may have contracted it in the meantime. I assume neither of you are doctors. 

If it was me, I would find a local infectious disease doctor and see if you can set up a conference call with him and his mothers doctor. Let your local doc ask questions/drive the conversation and give you an opinion as to risk. 

Your H definitely has an issue with "instant gratification". It impacts his sexual behavior and causes him to think it ok to call you in the middle of the night. 

Based on your behavior - when he was first giving you oral sex - you also seem to struggle with "instant" gratification issues at times. Sometimes it takes a partner a while to get used to/comfortable with a new sexual act. While you seemed able to wrap your head around that over time, your reaction "in the moment" seemed a bit more driven by "why can't I have what I want what I want right now". Instead of "it seems like my partner is making an effort to please me, hopefully this will get better for both of us over time".

Of the two of you, he seems a lot more selfish, that said you might want to "self assess " on that front. It struck me that in the face of his (admittedly bad behavior) you seem willing to walk from the marriage a lot faster than I would expect. 

One final note, unless two doctors told me there was "no risk" of infection, I would not bring my W into a house with one/more TB patients. 



rks1 said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice! I did write him a loving email this morning. I didn't share all my hurt feelings, but simply that I miss him and I am troubled by our communication issues. He responded by being loving in return, and then we talked to each other on the phone afterwards. Not everything is fully out on the table, but the doors to communication have opened. I'm very grateful!
> 
> One thing is still troubling me though... he wants me to come to India this month and visit him (as it's the only break I have this year away from school). Otherwise, I might not get to visit him until Christmas. The problem is that his mom had active Tuberculosis which spread to her brain, which is infectious and deadly (if not treated). Although she is currently undergoing treatment, he and his brother and dad are very likely to be infected as they spent the majority of the last month with her in her room. Until they themselves get tested and treated, it's not fully safe for me to go there. Although I can get treated for TB if I am exposed to it, the drugs are quite toxic to the liver and thus it is best for me not to be exposed to it if I don't have to. My parents are unhappy that he is pushing me to come there to be with him, as they think he is not caring for my ultimate well-being, but rather his short term gratification. I am on the verge of booking my tickets to go there, but I don't really know what to think of this. I'm not sure if he is the one being selfish, or if I am. Thoughts??


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks Mem! My parents are both physicians, and they are the ones afraid for me to go. Granted, because I am their daughter they might be more precautionary than usual. It's a bit different for my husband, as time together is very crucial for a long distance relationship, since we likely won't be together until next year. At the same time, he's not a doctor, and thus he might not truly understand the risks... though I'd think he wouldn't want me to ever go through the same thing has mother has gone through at the expense of my coming now... at least I hope not.

I'm not really walking away from the marriage... yet. I am still there, but I am starting to feel a bit disillusioned when I see parts of him that appear selfish, as it wasn't what I expected (as he was the most giving, nurturing person when we dated). I tend to emotionally withdraw and stop contacting him in the face of this disillusionment, but I haven't actually started calling a divorce lawyer or anything. We have only been married just over 2 months at this point, so a feeling of sadness is just starting to seep in. I probably will need to be unhappy 6 months to a year or longer before I truly think of divorcing him. I'm just hoping this can be turned around.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is there a way for someone else to watch his mother if you come visit? Meaning, can you visit him and not stay with her? 

Also, is there a test he can take just prior to you coming to confirm that he hasn't contracted it? 

I DO think you want to be really careful. There are some drug resistant strains of TB - scary stuff. I also think:
- he doesn't get to "stop" being a H, because his mom is sick. That is not ok. 
- you might gently mention to him that while "some people" are ok with middle of the night chats, you don't function very well that way, and it would be kind of him to wait until your morning to contact you even when he has important news. 

As for withdrawing when he behaves badly,I think that is valid. 

A more "global" conversation with him might help. It goes something like this:
You: "did you expect the way we interact, the way we treat each other to change after marriage"? And if so, how?
Him: what do you mean
You: for example I notice that before the wedding,..., and after the wedding...






rks1 said:


> Thanks Mem! My parents are both physicians, and they are the ones afraid for me to go. Granted, because I am their daughter they might be more precautionary than usual. It's a bit different for my husband, as time together is very crucial for a long distance relationship, since we likely won't be together until next year. At the same time, he's not a doctor, and thus he might not truly understand the risks... though I'd think he wouldn't want me to ever go through the same thing has mother has gone through at the expense of my coming now... at least I hope not.
> 
> I'm not really walking away from the marriage... yet. I am still there, but I am starting to feel a bit disillusioned when I see parts of him that appear selfish, as it wasn't what I expected (as he was the most giving, nurturing person when we dated). I tend to emotionally withdraw and stop contacting him in the face of this disillusionment, but I haven't actually started calling a divorce lawyer or anything. We have only been married just over 2 months at this point, so a feeling of sadness is just starting to seep in. I probably will need to be unhappy 6 months to a year or longer before I truly think of divorcing him. I'm just hoping this can be turned around.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rks1 said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice! I did write him a loving email this morning. I didn't share all my hurt feelings, but simply that I miss him and I am troubled by our communication issues. He responded by being loving in return, and then we talked to each other on the phone afterwards. Not everything is fully out on the table, but the doors to communication have opened. I'm very grateful!
> 
> One thing is still troubling me though... he wants me to come to India this month and visit him (as it's the only break I have this year away from school). Otherwise, I might not get to visit him until Christmas. The problem is that his mom had active Tuberculosis which spread to her brain, which is infectious and deadly (if not treated). Although she is currently undergoing treatment, he and his brother and dad are very likely to be infected as they spent the majority of the last month with her in her room. Until they themselves get tested and treated, it's not fully safe for me to go there. Although I can get treated for TB if I am exposed to it, the drugs are quite toxic to the liver and thus it is best for me not to be exposed to it if I don't have to. My parents are unhappy that he is pushing me to come there to be with him, as they think he is not caring for my ultimate well-being, but rather his short term gratification. I am on the verge of booking my tickets to go there, but I don't really know what to think of this. I'm not sure if he is the one being selfish, or if I am. Thoughts??


Oh goodness. Do not expose yourself to TB. I had renal TB and was treated. You are right that the medication is very toxic. I lost some eyesight from it. I also have nerve damage from it. It causes many problems. 

You are a medical student right? So you know about the medication. I hope our husband has not caught it. I know that his mom is sick but to expose himself to it this way was not wise.

Do not go visit him until he is tested. He most likely will not test positive as his mother's case is so advanced. 

He is the one being selfish. I think that actually he is not letting himself realize the risk he has put himself into. And thus he is not acknowledging the risk you will be in.

Again, speaking as someone who has been through the drugs for TB, do not go there.

What are the laws about people entering the USA and TB testing?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences with TB, Elegirl. 

I have booked my tickets to see him, as he was begging me to come, and I don't like to see my husband beg. My parents are both physicians, and they do not want me to go. I have not even yet told them I've booked my tickets, as they will be furious. 

His mom will have been in treatment for several weeks, so most likely she will not be infectious by the time I see her. My husband and the rest of his family likely has latent TB by now, since they've all been around her the last several weeks. Latent TB is unlikely to spread, but I hope he does not have active TB himself (as he was coughing the last time I was there in November). Now that I've done the work of booking my tickets, I'm going to demand that he go get himself tested today or tomorrow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Latent TB very often becomes active when a person is older or any time in their life when their health is weaker. If you get latent TB you will be very likely to come down with active TB later in life when you cannot fight it off.

I was told by my doctors, that after a person is 40 years of age they cannot take the medication for TB. It's too harsh on the system. If your MIL is taking the medication it will probably kill her before the decease does.

How many other family members were around your mother-in-law for the years when she was progressively getting worse with TB? Most of them probably have it as well.

As you know TB can not only be in your lungs but in other parts of your body. For me it was renal and affected my pregnancy. I ended up with still birth of twins because of the TB. This led to very bad infections and thus I was never able to have any more children.

Your parents are right to be very upset about you going to see your husband's family when all of this is going on. They have no alterior motive except their love for you with these feelings. Please pay attention to them. Why would you put your health at risk?


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