# All Men: Please Weight In on This--Married to a Narcissist



## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

OMG! I went to see my therapist the other day and she said that my husband is narcissistic--not the "I'm such a stud" narcissism but the intellectual kind.

H is extremely intelligent and is a good provider for our family. He used to joke with me and say "If you ever get fat, I'll divorce you." NOTE TO SELF: I'm tall, blonde and have a decent figure--why would he say that?

H has always been super sensitive to everything I say. He has a hilariously wicked dry sense of humor, which is one of the things that attracted me to him. BUT, when he dishes it out and I respond, he just shuts down. It's kinda the "he can dish it out but can't take it" mentality.

If anybody is willing to PM me and allow me to give you some of the "manspeak" he is giving me during our separation, I would be forever grateful.

Thanks for reading...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You can PM me. I'm confused as to what it is you are actually wanting though???

And I thought your husband hasn't hardly talked to you in Months?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you had contact yet? 

Have you contacted his command for his status?
PM, k.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

You can PM me if you'd like.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

anchorwatch: No, there has been no contact in a month. He was emailed once a week with friendly, chatty emails. I have not contacted is comment, because I don't want to blow his cover and ruin his career. He is so close to retirement--what good would that do?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Feel free to PM me too if you want.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> anchorwatch: No, there has been no contact in a month. He was emailed once a week with friendly, chatty emails. I have not contacted is comment, because I don't want to blow his cover and ruin his career. He is so close to retirement--what good would that do?


You, ruin his career? I think he did that, not you. Chaplin, you say?
You may be exaggerating, do you know for sure, what will happen? They may get him help. 
He knows the system, in and out. He is there a long time, He will see that he gets his retirement. That may even be a way you can awaken him. No?

You are facilitating what he's doing to you. You will suffer in silence? If that's what you want, so be it. For how long?

Well if you need to vent or explore your safe here. God bless.

Edit: MLwife, Please do not take me wrong. I'm not trying to incite you. Only point out another view. Please, if you wish, PM me the writings. I may see you view.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Anchorwatch: Thanks! As a military Chaplain, you have an endorsing agency. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us, and his endorser will not condone divorce. (They let it happen the first time for reasons which were different--I won't divulge that information). Another divorce would be unacceptable and, thus, they pull his endorsement which won't allow him to be a Chaplain.

I have to tell you that a part of me WANTS to do something about it, but I don't want to ruin his entire career. I benefit from this, but that's not the point. He did comment earlier that "it benefits me to let him continue until retirement." Waiting it out means the difference in 75% retirement pay and 100% retirement pay.

Maybe I'm enabling him, but I'm not vindictive. My religious convictions cause me to NOT want to file for a legal separation or divorce--he can do that.

It's just all so confusing. Let me get my thoughts together and I'll PM you later.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> OMG! I went to see my therapist the other day and she said that my husband is narcissistic--not the "I'm such a stud" narcissism but the intellectual kind.


Did she say he definitely was or that he might be? Maybe I'm wrong,but it's been my understanding that it's sometimes hard for even professionals to come up with a clinical diagnosis of NPD.Does your therapist have more than a cursory or surface knowledge of your husband? Does she know him?


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Since I've been reminded that all is anonymous here, I'm posting H's comments that I'd like help with. I call them "manspeak" and wonder what the meaning is behind them.

"I DO love you, but not like I should."

"I never said that" (when I reminded him that he wasn't in love with me)

"Not knowing is the best thing that ever happened to you" (when I told him that not knowing where things are going is driving me crazy)

"Not really, if I knew he could give you the love you deserve" (when I asked him if it would bother him to see another man touch/kiss me)

"Well, I think it has to" (when I told him he knew whether things were going to work out or not)

"I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind for counseling right not. I think the best thing for both of us is for you to concentrate on what you can control and when I get my head together we can work on the other things" (when I told him my therapist would like for us to try to work on the relationship together long distance).

H: Stopped wearing wedding ring when he moved to new duty station. I visited him in early 2012, and he put me up in the guest room. When we attended chapel service, everyone was shocked to see me. He introduced me as his wife, and he was asked if my visit was a surprise or if he knew about it. He told them that he knew I was coming. (I was already suspicious that nobody at his work knew I was coming).

We walked away from the service to the car, and I said, "That was kinda awkward." After he got the car, he picked us up and said "What do you think my intentions were for not telling people you were coming?" I took a long pause and said, "I think you're trying to pass yourself off as a single guy, I think..." and mentioned a few other things that I don't remember.

H replied with "No, the reason I didn't tell anybody is because I didn't want them to feel obligated to have us over for dinner or entertain us." (He is a top-ranking officer, and this CAN be the case.) Of course, I felt horrible after that and realized that his heart could have been in the right place.

Return to today: my research on men tells me that men speak with their actions. I did let H know, kindly, that I wasn't going to take the crumbs he was dropping for me. I asked him, early on, not to lead me on.

There are other conversation, too, but I'm just at a loss right now.

Thanks for reading...and commenting, if you choose.

PS If you have an idea of where his mind is, please let me know. I know you read "depression" in this, and I'm aware of that and possible PTSD already. Not making light of it--just looking for "what does a man mean when he says..."


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

TBT: The therapist doesn't know him, but I gave her numerous examples of how he was with the family. It took several sessions for her to come to this conclusion. 

With H's military training, he is very guarded. It's hard to get a "read" on him. He does have a kind heart, although he isn't a good communicator.

I'm hoping that all of this is because he's overwhelmed with the military and is just totally frustrated. The old saying "you hurt the ones you love the most" could come into play.

I just want to save my family from destruction. I was looking forward to traveling together and being grandparents together. This just all sucks!!


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

I didn't mention that H always bought his own groceries, while I bought for the family. If the kids asked for anything of his, he huffed and blew and didn't always relent.

H has always bought any kind of "toy" that he wanted for hunting and fishing. His latest was a boat (my name isn't on it, of course) that he paid almost six figures for. He let me know about it by saying "I don't know if I told you or not, but I just bought a custom boat that is going to be built and will be ready by the fall."

As a mother, it goes against my nature to do things only for myself. Even now, my kids are grown and it takes all that is within me to even get a manicure.

All I want is to love and be loved...I don't think that's too much to ask!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> OMG! I went to see my therapist the other day and she said that my husband is narcissistic--not the "I'm such a stud" narcissism but the intellectual kind.


First, I'll give you a little therapist translation. Your counselor means that you husband presents some narcissistic personality traits. This is not a personality disorder, just some (very) annoying traits. Sadly, narcissistic personality traits are becoming so common in modern culture as to be almost ubiquitous. Elevation of the self over all else is demonstrated and admired almost everywhere you look. I'm hard pressed to find anyone these days that doesn't buy into it to some extent


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> "I DO love you, but not like I should."
> 
> "I never said that" (when I reminded him that he wasn't in love with me)
> 
> ...


Maybe he's aware that he's not loving you the way he should and doesn't know what to do about it because of his mindset right now,and he thinks you deserve better.



MilitaryWifeAK said:


> anchorwatch: No, there has been no contact in a month. He was emailed once a week with friendly, chatty emails. I have not contacted is comment, because I don't want to blow his cover and ruin his career. He is so close to retirement--what good would that do?


This has me a little confused.You say you don't want to blow his cover,but in the last paragraph of the preceding quote you've already visited him.How would your contacting him now do this and ruin his career?

You're right,you do deserve to be loved as do we all.Hopefully anyway.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> "I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind for counseling right not. I think the best thing for both of us is for you to concentrate on what you can control and when I get my head together we can work on the other things" (when I told him my therapist would like for us to try to work on the relationship together long distance).


Maybe you can find something helpful that is not called counseling. Marriage education? Marriage enrichment? Listen to some mp3's together?


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> He is a military chaplain and bought a $100,000 boat?


I think it was $70,000 or so...close enough.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

TBT: It looks like I made some terrible typos in that statement. Even I can't figure it out. 

I think the cut and paste might have been wrong. I was saying that he emailed once/week, in the first six months that I was here taking care of my parents--no phone calls. Since I sent the "you're free to go" email recommended by Dr. James Dobson, no contact whatsoever.

Does that clarify things a bit?


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Ten Year Hubby: Since he is a Marriage & Family Therapist, I've found things like weekend intensives and private sessions, but remember he says he "isn't in the right frame of mind to participate in counseling right now." I mentioned the private intensive to him over a year ago; he responded with "actually, that doesn't interest me very much."


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi MW.No,what I don't understand is if you've already visited your H why would your reaching out now blow his cover or possibly ruin his career.:scratchhead:


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

TBT: The "blowing his cover" thing has to do with the fact that "we" aren't letting people know we're separated. The separation isn't a legal one--we're, at the very least, separated geographically because of his work. His emotional distance and unavailability has made us separated physically/emotionally since December 2010. If the military finds out about it (because of his job), he could be asked to retire early. Yes, he's eligible; but, why would I want to ruin his chances at 100% of his retirement pay that he'll receive in 2 more years?

My reaching out to him was constant, until a month ago. I answered his emails, phone calls, etc. He quit calling, when I came to take care of my elderly parents. The chatty (unemotional) emails stopped last month, when I sent him the "you're free to go" email.

I hope this clarifies things. If not, let me know.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> *MILWife, My 'manspeak' translation is in bold characters. I'm not trying to be rude, but that is the why I read it. I can't get more out of it. *
> 
> 
> "I DO love you, but not like I should."
> ...


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

anchor: So, I'm really not crazy???? Maybe, just maybe, I get a better "read" on people than I think????

This makes me feel very validated and will help my tomorrow be just a little bit brighter.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Everything below, I’m guessing at since I’ve said similar things....


MilitaryWifeAK said:


> Since I've been reminded that all is anonymous here, I'm posting H's comments that I'd like help with. I call them "manspeak" and wonder what the meaning is behind them.
> 
> "I DO love you, but not like I should."
> "I never said that" (when I reminded him that he wasn't in love with me)


I tell my wife this. I’m detached. I love her, but its not what I’d call a romantic “hallmark” love. She just hears “I don’t love her.” I’m just tired of re-explaining it over and over.



> "Not knowing is the best thing that ever happened to you" (when I told him that not knowing where things are going is driving me crazy)


 No idea... keeping you on the hook for some reason maybe?



> "Not really, if I knew he could give you the love you deserve" (when I asked him if it would bother him to see another man touch/kiss me)


He’s detached and no longer cares. He won’t blame you.



> "Well, I think it has to" (when I told him he knew whether things were going to work out or not)


 He’s ‘stuck’ in a marriage he no longer wants but needs.

No idea about the rest, but have my suspicions that he feels badly about all this. 

Oh, and you touched on one of my huge peeves and triggers with the topic. Get a new IC. No IC worth their salt is going to diagnose a third party without ever really meeting said person. My wayward wife’s IC fed her the same ‘narcissist’ bull as well as years before diagnosing me as a ‘computer gaming addict’. She’s only has my wife’s perceptions of things to base these decisions on. And um... guess what... my wife never really ever spoke to me about my own perceptions and just made a ton of ‘guesses’ about what I was thinking and my motivations. Didn’t play out well since it kept my wife in ‘victim mode’ and ‘entitled’ to be happy: So she continued dating OM(s) looking for her happiness............. She ain’t so happy now; Hence why I've said similiar things; Our marriage is broken.

Listen... Your husband is gone. I think he cares about you, but not in a ‘married’ sort of neverending love way. He’s in the marriage at this point it seems like just because it benefits him professionally. That’s it. I’m sorry.... He may remain faithful, he may not even mind this all that much. That doesn’t matter. What do you want?


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Racer: Wow! This is huge. All the time I was hoping it was depression and PTSD from multiple deployments. 

I want resolution, but I don't want to ruin his career when he's so close to retirement. Maybe I could use my "waiting to save his career" as an ace in the hole when it comes to discussing the divorce settlement. 

Thanks for your insight. Truly, I think he's confused. He tells me he hasn't had an "aha" moment yet and that "when I get my head together we can work on the other things."

Loving someone so deeply hurts...I can't write any more because I'm crying now...sorry.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Racer: I also think the "abandonment" will go a long way in the courtroom. No phone calls for six months (we have a teenaged son--granted, he has his own phone) and no email for a month is a good starting point...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MilitaryWifeAK said:


> He did comment earlier that "it benefits me to let him continue until retirement." Waiting it out means the difference in 75% retirement pay and 100% retirement pay.


*'manspeak'*
*Don't give up my secret so we can get more money.*

IMO This is the reason he is not answering your questions truthful. He does not trust that, if he told you the truth, you would take it well. Then you might ruin his chance to get a full pension.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MILWife, Find a lawyer for a consultation. Don't wait two years, go now. Be informed about the posses. Be prepared. Your H knows whats coming, he will be prepared.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

anchor: I actually think that he'll find out I know he's having an affair and will expose him to the military. He knows this is something I wouldn't do to my worst enemy (an affair) and that I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think he's cheating, but my gut nags me that he could be.

When I visited his duty station, I was picking up our son's laundry and found a red envelope with a card. Thinking it was one I'd sent him and wanting to see which one he saved, I found a Valentine's card (very generic message) with a woman's picture IN the card IN the envelope. (Do YOU think it got there by accident?) When he got home from work, I showed him the card and picture and just said calmly "I just need to know." Being the trained counselor and military officer, he didn't go ballistic so I'd know he was guilty. He calmly told me that he didn't know the lady (although she had killed an animal--hunting is his biggest hobby).

Would you believe that the card I got the week before Valentine's Day was THAT CARD???? He didn't sign it the way he has for years--he used the name that everybody else calls him. The card didn't arrive on V-day, because that would have made it special. The flowers he sent arrived early too, because he didn't want them to mean anything. He signed the card on the flowers "thanks for being so awesome!"

Where do I go from here, except to the lawyer?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

F his retirement! what are you going to get when he retires? you have been living in limbo . and then he will serve you divorce papers.



go see a lawyer any man who spends 70K on a boat without taking his wife and family into consideration is of poor morals this guy sound crazy to me!


with that being said we are only hearing one side of the story.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

MW,my opinion in the end doesn't really matter,because after all it is your marriage.You must have the real incite after spending 20 years with the man.For all his intelligence,his vocation and station in life he's just as susceptible as we all are to the vagaries of life.I hope you just don't dismiss PTSD or depression out of hand for contributing to his recent behavior,because after 5 tours it does have validity.Like I said that is just my opinion and I wish you and your husband well whatever your futures may bring.God bless.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ok, you do know. Many of us here assumed it, from the evidence you presented. You have decided not to expose him. IMO. Exposure now after 18 months would have little effect. You can concentrate on you and your family. Prepare yourself for your future. Look up the 180. It's purpose is to help you and make you stronger. 
here is a link;
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

anchor: I don't know for sure, but my gut sure does hurt from all the nagging.  It is certainly a possibility.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

I love the 180 idea; however, we aren't even in the same state, so the ideas about what to do around H don't fit. I am not contacting him, though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

That's true you are in NC. Then focus on you and the family. Do not dwell on him.


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