# Should I end the marriage now!



## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

A very long story. The bottom line: My wife has regular rages where she blaims me for everything, throws things around, kicks and punches at me, calls me all the worst things in the world etc. Doesn't care if the four small kids watches. Even though I am much larger and stronger than her, her behavior frightens me, and I am disgusted by it. I only say what she wants to hear, and apologize for everything, even though I have done nothing, just to calm her down. We've been together for 14 years, married for two, and this never stops. Besides this she often criticises me for a lot of things, and she wants me to do things her way. I've not watched sports for years, since she doesn't like sports. Too long to write about all this, but practically I am really dominated by her, and my selfconfidence is getting lower and lower. I have now a chance to leave her with my kids without being attacked. I would like to give her a second chance, because I always hope she will be better, and be a "normal" person. But if I tell her that I am dissatisfied, she will have an outburst, and I can't take this no more. I am a wreck. I see no alternative than to take the kids and leave. Any advice?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Leave because she is abusive. You and your children deserve better.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes leave now while the getting is good!!!!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If she becomes physically violent with you, call the police to have her ass haul off to jail. Afterwards, file a restraining order to prevent her from being in the family home.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

what are you sitting around for? get the f out!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Plan your exit strategy carefully, people like your wife can be mind bendingly vindictive. They will lie and do whatever they need to mess you up over anything, however small and petty. They are not above destroying everything in their path ruining every one's lives, even their own, if they can ruin yours. My blushing bride is also a paranoid psychopath. I don't use that term lightly it's the best clinical diagnosis I've encountered. My wife is not physically abusive to me but she could give the guards at Gitmo a master class in psychological torture. On a scale of 1 to Nagasaki these types are at or near the top of f-you up scale.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you hit her, I can guarantee that she would have you thrown in jail. Call the police and GET OUT! Just leave. She is simply not normal.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Any issues with legal? Would picking up and leaving be considered kidnapping? Who knows what a psycho would try to be vindictive about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

What is she like with your children? Don't forget to consider the welfare of your kids in all of this. If you leave and feel she will take the brunt of it out on the kids, you need to decide how best to protect them.


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear you have been enduring this kind of behavior for so long. I to have been in a similar situation for 25 years... see my post on this site under going-through-divorce-separation forum titled *should-i-tell-her-off-just-walk*.

It sounds to me like your wife definitely has a personality disorder such as NPD or BPD or she may even be bipolar. A great website that discusses such matters from the man's perspective is called Men Who Are Abused.com. Check it out. I bet you will be amazed how several of your wife's behaviors come up over and over again in relationship stories that are told on that site.

Try to get hold of some knowledge as to what is driving your wife to behave in such a manner as this will help you in making any future decisions regarding your relationship with her and the kids. You may also want to look at getting counseling/therapy for yourself and the kids due to you both being exposed to such toxic behaviors for so long.

I wish you well!

Qwill


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She is abusive.

Either you stay and tolerate living with someone who hits you and calls you names in front of your children or you leave.

The kids are being hurt the most.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were you, Once you and your children are in a safe place where she is not, the only way I would allow her any contact with me or the children is if she had a psych evaluation and followed a recommended course of medical treatment for whatever it is that causes her violent rages.

If she cannot abide that stricture, formally divorce her and sue for 100% custody of the children citing her mental disturbances.

Document everything that she has been doing and continues to do.

Protect your children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

michzz said:


> Once you and your children are in a safe place where she is not, the only way I would allow her any contact with me or the children is if she had a psych evaluation and followed a recommended course of medical treatment for whatever it is that causes her violent rages.
> 
> If she cannot abide that stricture, formally divorce her and sue for 100% custody of the children citing her mental disturbances.
> 
> ...


Do this. Best advice.

Do you want your kids to grow up to be abusers like her or victims like you? 

Then you have to leave, for THEIR sakes. If she gets help, real help, she can come join you guys later. Much later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and start watching sports again. Great first step in re-learning your self-worth.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

turnera said:


> Oh, and start watching sports again. Great first step in re-learning your self-worth.


Testify sister!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

She is abusive, its your decision how much you want to tolerate. I think part of being a strong man up is being able to deflect a certain amount of violent behavior from a crazy wife, in fact one of the happiest married couples I know has a crazy wife who sometimes goes rough on her hubby, he likes the attention, guess he grew up with older siblings so expects a certain amount of abuse and they always have great sex and a strong bond with each other. On the other hand sounds like you are not getting any kind of bond out of this and are being belittled so you are perfectly allowed to set a boundary of no abuse, and end the marriage if thats what it takes to enforce that rule. Take control of the situation for yourself, if you need a break demand one.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Qwilleran, I am bipolar and I only hit those who hit me first.  Not everybody with a personality disorder is physically violent, either. I would refrain from attaching diagnostic labels, unless you are an MD.

Domestic violence is a multi layered, complex issue. Nobody should be physically attacked by their spouse. However, as someone who has hit an ex boyfriend _in self defense_, provocation can also be an issue. I know I begged that fool many times, to stop coming close to my face and screaming when we had an argument. I told him how frightened it made me and that if I ask him to leave me alone to calm down, I expect him to adhere to that. I warned the agitator that if he kept roaring in face, I would use other methods to get him out of mine.


One day, the jerk and I were arguing on the sidewalk. As usual, I tried to walk away. The jerk ran up to me, came thisclose to my face and screamed: "YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!!!" I beat the crap out of him. He whined about calling the cops and I told him that if the cops were called, I would let them know that I felt threatened and frightened by him. No policeman is going to take away a woman who conveys this! I also laughed at him for getting beat up by a girl. :rofl:


You know what? He *NEVER *got in my face like that again. Sometimes diplomacy doesn't work. My therapist says that I responded to threatening and aggressive behavior with even more aggression. She also said that screaming in someone's face is just as bad as hitting them. 

The OP is not at fault for his wife being abusive. Please do not view my story as blaming him. I was just trying to illustrate another way to look at domestic violence. If a woman walks in on her husband in bed with another woman and she shoots them, is she wrong? Of course. Does she have my sympathy-hell yes! 

End your marriage. She is not willing to get help with her issues. I wish my father had the courage to leave my mother, when she abused him and terrorized us. Your children will respect you more in the long run.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm left with this question.

Together 14 years and married 2?

Why did you marry her?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I'm left with this question.
> 
> Together 14 years and married 2?
> 
> Why did you marry her?



Good question, Conrad.
My guess is that the abuse took away so much of his self esteem, that he felt he didn't deserve any better. He married her thinking that she would change.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

Dear all

Thanks a lot for your support. I really appreciate it. This situation beats the crap out of me, and I am very worried. I will answer some of you comments in separate posts.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> What is she like with your children? Don't forget to consider the welfare of your kids in all of this. If you leave and feel she will take the brunt of it out on the kids, you need to decide how best to protect them.


She is not violent against them, but she shouts a lot to them. Tells them to shut up when she is tired, and such. I don't think she would do anything against them. It is me she is so angry at.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> Do this. Best advice.
> 
> Do you want your kids to grow up to be abusers like her or victims like you?
> 
> Then you have to leave, for THEIR sakes. If she gets help, real help, she can come join you guys later. Much later.


Man. This is so to the point. You have no idea how much I think about this. This is exactly one of the things that worries me a lot. It is not good for them to see how their father obeys their mother just because she gets angry, and it is not good for them to watch the irrational behavior of their mother. I am really worried what this will do to their image of a man and woman, behaviors, and relationships.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I'm left with this question.
> 
> Together 14 years and married 2?
> 
> Why did you marry her?


She said it would make her so happy. Everything would be better, and she would be totally nice to me.........


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First off, you need to protect yourself. Go to an electronics store and purchase a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). When you call the police after a domestic violence episode, its common for them to say you are the one that's violent and physically and verbally abusive. This is a fact. File a domestic violence report against her when the police arrive then get an RO or PO against her. You do not have to live like this even if you're a man. Maybe she will then get the help that she needs. If the marriage is irretrievably broken, then leave and file for divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Philips said:


> I am really worried what this will do to their image of a man and woman, behaviors, and relationships.


You should be. Take a couple hours out of your life to read up about abusers. Almost ALL of them had an abusive parent. And nearly ALL abuse victims were abused - yelled at - as children.

You are TEACHING your children to abuse other people or be a victim by your weakness and goodness.

It's time to be a man and LEAD your family by removing the danger from it.

Go back to a counselor and get help preparing for it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

She is being abusive.

But instead of just writing her off - has she or anyone looked into mental illness - such as bi-polar, schizo, etc. Could be a chemical imbalance causing the rages, etc.

Not saying that's an excuse. But she may also know she's out of control and not know why.

Just a thought...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Qwilleran, I am bipolar and I only hit those who hit me first.  Not everybody with a personality disorder is physically violent, either. I would refrain from attaching diagnostic labels, unless you are an MD.
> 
> Domestic violence is a multi layered, complex issue. Nobody should be physically attacked by their spouse. However, as someone who has hit an ex boyfriend _in self defense_, provocation can also be an issue. I know I begged that fool many times, to stop coming close to my face and screaming when we had an argument. I told him how frightened it made me and that if I ask him to leave me alone to calm down, I expect him to adhere to that. I warned the agitator that if he kept roaring in face, I would use other methods to get him out of mine.
> 
> ...


That's true, but just like EVERYTHING else, things affect people in different ways - mental illness, medications, etc.

It's not a one size fits all.

If she is not willing to explore "why" she behaves like she does and not willing to seek treatment to see if indeed she does have some type of mental illness - then go.

But otherwise, I think she and you deserve a chance to find out.

If she's not willing, then at least you tried.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Here's another tip. If you wait until they are grown to leave the abuser, it's too late. Stockholm syndrome sets in and they will prefer to spend time with the abuser than with you. It's all they know. They will see you as the one who broke up their only structure.


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## Philips (Jun 21, 2011)

Ok. So D-day is approaching. Tomorrow I have to pack all the stuff, and the day after I and the kids will have to leave; .... and I'm suddenly full of doubts. Is that normal?

I'm thinking: 

1) Ok, she's having those outbursts that really kills me emotionally and make me feel like h..., but she also has periods where she is rather nice

2) It will be hard to up bring the kids alone. Kids need a mother and a father.

3) I am being a coward leaving her without notice. Maybe I should try to kind of "warn" her?

Is this the "no-change please" part of my brain trying to make me settle with the existing situation, since the future seems "scary"?

It should be noticed that I managed to leave my wife once before, several years ago. She begged and begged to get me back; she suddenly was the nicest person in the world, and she promised me she would stay that way forever if I got back. I did get back, and things were nice for a while, but gradually things got back to "normal"...... She even took medication and therapy for a while, but told me that the therapist thought that I was to blame for a lot of her behavior, not herself, and nobody could understand how I could be so cruel as to leave her. She felt that the medication got her physically sick, so she stopped with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's what I tell people married to sick or abusive people:

You are HELPING THEM by leaving them and giving them a reason to get better. By staying WITH them, you are harming them.

She will have one excuse after another after another, because she needs mental help. She can't do it on her own, YOU can't help her on your own - she needs professional help. Give her a reason to get it.


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