# I have to ask....



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I need to hear some opinions. I think I know what most will say, I just want to gets some thoughts on this:

Sex with your ex?

If you are not yet legally divorced and live under the same roof but separate bedrooms and you are both working towards the divorce what is your opinion on having sex just for the sake of taking care of the physical need? I know, this might open up a whole new can of worms but what if you both go into it thinking that it is purely to take care of a physical need. Wouldn't that be better than introducing someone new so early into the sep/D? Or would that be like taking a step backwards in the healing process of learning to be on your own?

I am not sure yet about the answer to this but I am mulling around in my head. Hell, if I talk to my stbxw about it, it could go three ways from what I can tell - 1. She would be offended and say no way in hell, 2. She could tell me to go find someone else (which I don't want to hear and doubt she would say this), or 3. She could agree.

As long as we both know that there would be no strings attached, do any of you think it would be better to get the sexual need taken care of without the complication of someone else being involved.

I don't know how many of you can truthfully say that you can go for 6 months, 1 year, or longer without it. And let's face it, taking care of it yourself doesn't stack up, it ain't the same.

Very private subject I know, but I don't wan't to bring this up to my live-in ex and make matters worse between us. We are on amicable terms right now. And I don't want to confuse us either about our decision to go our separate ways. :scratchhead:


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I don't think there would be a way to share such intimacy and not have strings attached. There is a significant history there, and it would both of you to a whole history of special times shared between you two. It might reignite the flames of who you two used to be to each other. I so not see my H and I being able to share intimacy together without it being a precursor to reuniting. And he would not participate.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I can truthfully say I can go 6 months, 1 year or more without it. I went 3 years without sex once.
If you are separated and going to divorce then I would say no way. If you are trying to work towards reconciliation then possibly.

As for this "physical need" you speak of, you mean to tell me your more than willing to use someone just for sex?

No thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I struggle with this one. I know for a fact that I could have soon to be ex here with one 30 second phone call. I'd like to think it's just physical but I know I'd be opening myself up for an unreal amount of hurt. It wouldn't change a damn thing in my situation except make it a lot worse for me.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Little voice isn’t sure if I should post or not, but here goes……

I did not at all desire to have sex with my ex-husband. He was no longer appealing to me after all the emotional damage he had caused me.

On the other hand, there was a guy whom I had been seeing and we had totally amazing sex. A lot of other things clicked for us too. Timing for relationship just wasn’t going to work. e.g.; Career, kids & college, real estate & housing stuff. Anyhow, we kept getting drawn to each other for the sex though. 

The first few days after sex I often found myself getting attached again. It would take me a few more days to get mentally back on the “being on my own tack”. However, he was the opposite. The first few days he was back on his own track quickly, but then after a few more days he would start “looking for me” and giving me attention so to speak.

It started getting to be a bad cycle which held both of us back from moving forward and finding someone else. I have not been with anyone else nor do I believe he has. Honestly, he has left some pretty high standards for the next guy to have to achieve in the intimacy department. Oh my gosh, it was good!!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, I know what you are saying but I wonder what some of the guys opinions on here would be. Men, might think differently. See stair's comment about her ex being there with one 30 second phone call - that tells me something. Since men tend to be a bit less emotional about sex, it might be different. DG, I know, it soulds like selling yourself for sex but I honestly would like to see some of the guys chime in here to see how many can really go without sex for that long.

I do appreciate all of your comments though because more than likely, that will be my W's feelings and response on it so I am giong to take your comments seriously. Just try to keep in mind that men think and feel differently about things on many occassions, not always, but on many - particularly when it comes to sex.

And yes, this could be a bad idea because I do still love her so maybe I am just ranting about things that I should not even be thinking about.

Thanks for chiming in on this.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK Toto, that is what I am thinking also, but at this point in time for me it may be too soon to bring someone else into the mix. It's only been 5 weeks for me since she dropped the D word. Would I be willing to find someone else for the same as you stated - probably. Am I afraid of something if that happens, yes, I am afraid of getting emotionally attached and into a long term relationship so soon. I am not ready for that but would not mind at all to have female company at this point even if just to go to see a play or to the ballet, wherever. Just anything to get out of this house and feel like I am not wasting away - I guess I need a moral booster - my self esteem has been shot by this ordeal.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I really don't think all men think that way about sex. Some actually are honorable about it...see it as a spiritual union between two people who are in love. 

I think to have sex with your STBX is a bad idea when one person is still so enmeshed in the emotion of being married. It gives one false hope. And, trust me, there is always one person who wants the relationship to work and may even go for the sex thing just to feel close to the leaving spouse. 

That's my two cents whether you wanted it or not LOL


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

BP, Yip, not all men feel that way - true; I never said all men in my post, I said "many" men. I am the one that might be emotionally attached and I know you guys don't see that in my post. Yes, I still love her, yes, I am the one to have sex to feel close to the leaving spouse.

Still, I wonder what male forum members on here can say that they can do without sex for over 6 months. In our last 5 years of marriage we've probably had sex 8 to 10 times. I wonder how many guys on here would be able to truly say that is OK. Not many, if any, I bet.

BP, you said when one person is enmeshed in the emotiion. What if you are both gone. What if you are both done with it?

I am seeing on here what I thought I would see and I posted because I feel the same as many of you, I just wanted to see opinions and I see them and I guess I will remain distant from her. I posted this to see if I could get some support on the physical needs part of it. I think that Toto, in a strange twisted sort of way, has the best altenative - find someone else. If I did that at this juncture while my stbx and I are still living under the same roof, I would feel like a cheater - even though I know I am not. Wow, I guess my stbxw is on the right track about hurrying up and getting the house on the market. She has probably already been at the stage I am now. Ahh, I am really ranting now.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

hmmm...

Generally I would say no.

But, if both parties are capable of understanding what it is, vs. any idealistic romantic emotions, then why not?

My husband and I are separated. For the most part, we do not speak to each other or text or any of that. I've given up on reaching out to him, and its pretty clear with the way he is going there is no chance in him coming back to what he so desperately "wanted." every few weeks or so I'll get a barrage of hate texts. It amuses me, because I know that what he wants is to see me for a day or two because he 1) misses me and hates sleeping alone and 2) wants to get laid.

Neither of us are sleeping with other people, and neither of us are ready to sleep with other people. (I can tell by his "staying" power if you will) So, every now and again, we hit each other up, spend a night or two together, hang out, get along, and go on our merry way. we have those big "relationship" discussions but it never goes anywhere, and it means very little other than me just trying to piece together what went wrong and when for my own clarity and closure. but its what we do. We can't hate eachother, we can't help but hold love for each other, we just cannot be together in a formal relationship at this point.

So I guess i turned my spouse into a friend with benefits? idk. but, if your capable, its doable. You just have to know what you're going into before you go there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

After a finalized divorce, I'd regard her about like I would any other woman except I'd take extra precaution against pregnancy. If I know I don't want to live with her, I know I don't want to make kids with her. If I have favorable separation agreement terms, I wouldn't touch her. Some states regard resumption of sexual activity as evidence of reconciliation, making the separation agreement void or at least giving her reason to challenge it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

clucas976 - friends with benefits. That pretty much sums it up. I did mention on my post thet would have to be an understanding of what it is so yeah.

unbelievable - its going to be a divorce not sep. Also, the state won't be in our bedroom. We both know where we stand and yes, it will have to be a mutual agreement about what it is.

I don't know. I will try to hold off of this as long as I/we can tolerate it. Another difference with us that might be a probable playing with fire scenario, is that unlike you, we are amicable towards each other. We have children together and no way will I ever hate/dislike the mother of my children no matter what she's done to our families. if there is resentment, it comes and goes. I don't know, this is all new to me - I've been 36 years with the same woman.

But yeah, friends with benefits - for now, if at all.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I wish I could do the friends with benefits thing but that doesn't work for me, especially not with soon to be ex. As horrible as he has been to me, I am still very much in love with him. I hate admitting that


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Last time I slept with my stbxh back in December I just found out he gave me an std (luckily a curable one) yet he still denies cheating on me! so ummm no I would never in a million years sleep with his sleezy a*s again! And to think he was the only one I have ever been with makes me sick thinking about it!! Sorry had to put my 2 cents in!


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

I believe there are some leagal ramifications of sleeping with your STBX. If you sleep with them the law says you are condoning their behavior and have no grounds (or reasons). My lawyer said it was called "concentment".


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

YIkes, I can't even imagine, I would love to be making love with my H, but he wants this divorce and I am sure that he wouldn't do it because it might make me think he wants to come back. Believe me, I let it be known I wanted him, he has not been open to it since November. A long time, and I guess a long time ahead of me. Since he is the only man I have ever been with, I can't even imagine it happening with anyone else


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

My H was in the slump 2day. He thought I would give in to his advances but I stopped it after he slipped in a kiss yesterday. Emotionally things felt totally different and I thought am I the (wife) cheating with my husband with someone he might be messing around with no thx you..heck no. I know he has already been messing around with others that he tries to down play but aftermath is too complicated. 

Sometimes things will be to fresh to distinguish the 2 so that could be hard. If your ex was messing around with others would that mess you up more just having a physical relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

baseballmom said:


> Last time I slept with my stbxh back in December I just found out he gave me an std (luckily a curable one) yet he still denies cheating on me! so ummm no I would never in a million years sleep with his sleezy a*s again! And to think he was the only one I have ever been with makes me sick thinking about it!! Sorry had to put my 2 cents in!


Ok that is really awful.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, everyone, sorry i left this post for a while. Been busy today. So here goes: 

Baseballmom, that is horrible. I want to make something clear i did not say earlier though; neither one of us have been with anyone else. I know that for a fact. We are still around each other everyday, at home and at work. I know huh, talk about limbo. I asked the original post question with the intent that i would do the "friends with benefits" as long as there hasn't been anyone else. 

Griz, I dont know about the legality of it but I think would not be a problem with us. Number one, we are under the same roof. Number two, neither one of us have even looked at the front of a courthouse yet. Number three, neither one of us have lawyers and we will file for D ourselves. We are working on selling the house and sorting out our finances. So far doing great with that. So unless the state uses a satellite and eavesdropping equipment on us, they wont have a clue if we did decide to agree to have sex. It would be a VERY personal matter.

And D1221, yes it would mess me up more if i knew she was messing around with someone else. I would not ask for the FWB deal if i knew she had someone else. 

I dunno, its kind of a moot point know anyway since it seems like she is super desparate to get the house on the market ASAP. With telegraphs to me that she wants to be off on her own ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

Don't do it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

What i have learned post - that every intimate moment with your SO should be treated, enjoyed, and appreciated as if it was your last on earth with them. Little did I know that the last time we made love would have been our last time together forever; I can't stop reliving it in my mind!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

It's part of what happens, I really would urge you to resist and not do it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, I agree it would probably screw up more emotions inside me than I already have.

Grizabelle, BTW, I just looked in my states D laws and they seem to be a whole lot friendlier than other places - I guess this could be good or bad. Anyway, state law here allows:

1. Divorce without the need for separations. 60-day waiting period from filing to official. So, you can get D in 60 days.
2. You can be living under the same roof during the divorce phase
and - drumroll please....
3. You can have sex during the divorce phase as long as a child is not conceived during that time; so sex changes nothing about the legal process.

OK, I already said I will do my best not to do it, but I thought you should know it would not legally impact anything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are the rejected spouse and still want to save your marriage and the other person wants out, I would advise against sleeping with them. Sex bonds people and it will make the separation/divorce all the more harder.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I don't know how it could be harder. I just wish that I knew what my H was thinking the last time we made love. He knew and I didn't that he was thinking about leaving. It is just another thing I find so unfair. I don't know what would have changed, but I do know the memory would be stronger if I thought it was the end. He is my only love and lover.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

sad, she has been my only one too. And the last time we made love it was great - she thought so too. But like you said, what was going on in her mind at that time? I agree with you that if I knew, I would be way more devastated. JB, I agree that it would probably be harder for me, she was the one that left. I say probably because sometimes, my emotional level is just way off the charts, and then at other times, I don't think about that and think it would be purely physical and no strings attached sort of thing. Quite honestly, I don't know if that is a normal feeling for man during a time of grieving (for our marriage) or if it is just me. Sometimes, I can't breath when I think about this sh%&t.


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