# Suspicions making me crazy..



## susan delgado (Jan 31, 2018)

Hi all, new here. Here is my ridiculously long story. H and I have been together almost 10 years, married for just a little over one. There were red flags from the beginning, but I chose to ignore them (naive, insecure, etc.). This is M #2 for us both, and I know he had at least 2 affairs in his previous M.

I had suspicions early on in our relationship, when he and my female roommate at the time would stay up late, drinking and watching tv long after I went to bed (in those days he claimed he didn't need a lot of sleep, but I did.. I would try to make myself stay up with them, but it caused me being late to work and not functioning at 100% the next day). I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but of course he would say, "seriously, it's just A, you can't possibly think there's anything between us".. and so I'd let it go.

Also, he is still friends on FB with the woman he cheated on his ex with. He assures me they are "just friends". When I was pregnant with our son, he didn't want me to post anything about it on FB (it hurts me to this day that I never had that joy of sharing baby bump pics with friends and family) because he said "it's nobody else's business".. although I suspect it was because he didn't want his former mistress to know our relationship was that serious.

A couple of yrs ago I told him I was done, and we split up for a few months (not a trial separation, I told him I was really done). During that time, I had a short sext fling (nothing physical) with a mutual friend of ours, which he discovered, lost his sh*t, then agreed I hadn't done anything wrong, as we were not together at the time.. I did feel terrible for the fact that it was a friend of his.. and was very grateful that he forgave me for that. After that, we ended up getting back together, and getting engaged shortly thereafter.

Ff to last year, the day before our wedding, we were in the process of moving and he left his phone at the new place while he went to get another load. I'd been having gut feelings for awhile, and I'm not proud of it, but I seized the opportunity to look through his phone. I found texts between him and a woman I knew as one of his oldest, best friends from high school. I had hung out with this woman, accepted her as his friend, and mine. Invited her into our home on several occasions.. anyway, one of the texts from him said he wanted to have sex again. Her reply was, but you're getting married soon. He responded, "So?". That still haunts me, that "So?". I then went through phone bills and discovered several long, late night conversations between them.

I confronted him, and his first reaction was to be pissed that I went through his phone. He swore it was strictly phone sex, never physical. I mentioned the text about having sex again, and he said he was referring to them having sex several years ago when they were younger, and way before me.

#1: I point blank asked when he originally introduced me to this friend, if there was ever anything romantic or physical between them and he swore they were never more than friends. His reply was, well if I'd told you about that you wouldn't have let me hang out with her. Well yeah, and for good f-ing reason! So, if you lied about that, how am I supposed to believe you now??

#2: you told her you wanted to again, so even if you are being truthful and nothing physical happened with her since we've been together, if I hadn't busted you, you probably would have gone through with it. He said no, he wouldn't have.

He actually tried to compare it to what I did while we were not together, and reminded me of how gracious he was to forgive me. I told him there's a big difference between me talking/texting someone while we were split up, and him doing that in the few days prior to our wedding!

Anyway, I totally rug-swept. I told him he'd have to work very hard at regaining my trust, and I didn't want him talking to her anymore. He said he didn't think it was fair of me to ask him to completely give up a friend he'd had for so long. Totally gaslighted me into thinking I was being unreasonable.

I really wish I'd found this forum before, the support here would've been amazing and I would have realized I was completely in the right for making certain demands, and would have insisted on complete transparency.

I know it's cliche, but I mostly decided to go ahead with marrying him for our son's sake. He has some issues, causing major behavior issues in school, and I really did not want to turn his whole world upside down. 

Ff some more, he doesn't talk to her much anymore, she will reach out to him occasionally, and he tells me about it, but only because he knows now that I can see phone calls and text logs on our phone bill. I suspect I just helped him learn to hide things better, and I think he's now using messenger and words with friends. He is very private with his phone, he tucks it underneath himself when he sleeps, rather than plug it in.. several times I've gotten up in the middle of the night and he's on his phone.. he claims he just wakes up sometimes and can't fall back to sleep so he plays games or watches videos until he gets sleepy again.

There's another woman who we both worked with, that I suspect something went on with within the last year or two (I don't think physical, but who knows), because of frequent texting and a few late night phone calls.

I confronted him on that one too--he completely denies they are anything other than friends--again, I probably just gave him reason to be more discreet, as now he knows I can see the number and time stamp on his texts. I think he actually broke that one off.. now she constantly posts things on FB about being hurt by someone, and hoping karma destroys them as much as they destroyed her (I must add, this woman is about 15yrs older than us and is also married, and I can't help but wonder how her husband feels about all these posts).

I have been very tempted to just ask her what went on between them (we still work together, H has a different job now.. she is always friendly to me at work).. only because I know he won't tell me the truth. I don't want to sh*t where I eat, and would make it clear to her that no matter what she says, I will absolutely not make trouble for her at work. I just need the truth. It's killing me, and I've been feeling like I'm going crazy for so long.

I realize now that all the times I've confronted him I haven't really had any concrete proof, and he's been able to convince me I'm being crazy, and I've probably just made him realize he should hide things better. Or maybe I'm just paranoid from what I discovered last year, and all these new suspicions are just my imagination.. but this gut feeling is too strong to ignore.

If my suspicions are confirmed, I'd want an amicable D, as I don't believe I'll ever be able to trust him enough again to R. I just want it to be calm and friendly for our son's sake, and for us to be able to co-parent in his best interest.

But because of past verbal and emotional abuse (which we actually went to counseling for awhile back, and he improved drastically), and his crazy ability to gaslight, I'm scared he'll make it ugly and try to make it my fault, unless I have proof.

Sorry this is so long, thanks to anyone who suffered through my whole post! Any suggestions are appreciated.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to read about your situation.

First of all, breaking your post into separate paragraphs will be helpful for further reading.

Next, the thing you need is to get some sort of "certainty" of the state of affairs (pun not really intended).

There is a evidence post somewhere which may provide some insights on different areas to consider and follow up on to get your info. 

Phone hacks might provide what you need if you are able to get access to his phone somehow.


Good luck.


----------



## susan delgado (Jan 31, 2018)

Thanks for the tip, I broke it up in paragraphs, hopefully that'll help. Man, I'm wordy! 

Thanks for the advice, I have checked out that thread, I just hate the idea of sneaking around to see if he's sneaking around, if that makes any sense. But I'm gonna have to suck it up and do something soon.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You can hack you can snoop you can check up on him etc,etc,etc

The bottom line is you married a skunk.

Do you want to be married to a skunk?

If not you know what to do.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]

Sadly, he is what he is.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

It doesn't sound good at all.. And even if he begs, cries, etc... I see him doing this again. I would be getting 'things' in order to leave. I wouldn't want to stay with him at all.

Some ppl on here have talked about a VAR-- voice recorder that you can hide in his car. You might get something on that.


----------



## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Sorry to find you here but you've come to the best place.

As others have suggested, follow the evidence gathering advice, get hold of the proof and then you'll never gain let the narc make you believe otherwise.

Then get going on divorce. It'll give you something tangible to work towards and you can, if you so wish, change your mind at any point. However this guy ain't going to change - once a cheater...

Stay strong, talk to friends, post here - advice might occasionally seem harsh but it's for your own good.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

susan delgado said:


> Thanks for the tip, I broke it up in paragraphs, hopefully that'll help. Man, I'm wordy!
> 
> Thanks for the advice, I have checked out that thread, I just hate the idea of sneaking around to see if he's sneaking around, if that makes any sense. But I'm gonna have to suck it up and do something soon.


You don't need to sneak around. You know he's a serial cheater who cheated on his first wife and who has been cheating on you for the entirety of your relationship. What more do you need to know? Either turn a blind eye, open the relationship, or leave.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For whatever reason you decided to date a cheater for 9 years, then married a cheater, and now he is of course still cheating. 
Sadly unless you want to remain married to a cheater divorce is the only option.

I feel for your child who is the innocent one, who is already having issues at school etc.


----------



## susan delgado (Jan 31, 2018)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I fully expected some harshness, as I knew what he was from the beginning. I think I needed to hear these things from other people to help me realize I'm not crazy, and a swift kick in the butt was probably necessary for me to move forward and get out of this situation.

On another note, my child is healthy and very loved. I debated even saying anything about him, but wanted to explain that I did what I felt was best for him at the time. There is a lot more to his issues, but I will just say they are not born from the issues in his father and my relationship.

I get that this a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I have gone through a lot with and for my son, and am a bit sensitive about any assumptions that I've messed him up somehow by staying with his father. I'm very aware of how these things can affect children.. I would appreciate if you would reserve judgement, since I have not given that full story.

Thanks again for helping me realize what I should've done a long time ago. This is a great forum, and I will continue to read and learn from everyone here.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

susan delgado said:


> Thanks everyone for the feedback. I fully expected some harshness, as I knew what he was from the beginning. I think I needed to hear these things from other people to help me realize I'm not crazy, and a swift kick in the butt was probably necessary for me to move forward and get out of this situation.
> 
> On another note, my child is healthy and very loved. I debated even saying anything about him, but wanted to explain that I did what I felt was best for him at the time. There is a lot more to his issues, but I will just say they are not born from the issues in his father and my relationship.
> 
> ...


 @susan delgado, We'll be here for you and you boy! 

A lot of members have been through similar stuff to you, so there's not only sympathy and fellowfeeling, there's also practical experience, too.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

susan delgado said:


> I get that this a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I have gone through a lot with and for my son, and am a bit sensitive about any assumptions that I've messed him up somehow by staying with his father. I'm very aware of how these things can affect children.. I would appreciate if you would reserve judgement, since I have not given that full story.
> 
> Thanks again for helping me realize what I should've done a long time ago. This is a great forum, and I will continue to read and learn from everyone here.


YOU and you alone is the only parent that makes a decision based on what YOU know. Your child is counting on you so he can have one parent who is present, safe and protecting.

Good Luck.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I have been here for 2 years. I tried and tried to save the relationship not just for myself but for my son and even the cheater herself.

She did a pretty good job fooling me, and I gave her a chance and took a chance on myself that others have warned me about. At least I can say I tried. And I can tell my son that whenever he asks.

Cheaters like your husband will never ever change. What are you expecting to change next month or the next time? If he actually cared about your feelings or respected you as a human being... He wouldn't have cheated at all much less the second time and everything after that.

My X blamed 10 things or more for her justification for cheating on me... And looking at her phone and seeing the proof was a violation of her privacy. WTH.

I'll be blunt. Your husband is a narcissist and you need to secretly learn about them. Look on YouTube for Kim Saeed. Keep such videos to yourself. You need a couple of months to plan a safe Exit Plan.

I am sorry but it's not going to get easier. like many people who have been abused buy such cheaters, the urge to go back will seem less painful but is always never ending... 

Once he figures out that you are done with him and knows what kind of person he really is. He will toss you away like garbage. Accuse you of cheating on him.


----------

