# Why new BSes get scared off from TAM



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I just read another thread from a BS, and they have stopped posting after just a few posts. I hope the person comes back.

This is not the first time we've seen this happened. One can't know all the details on their side why they didn't come back but here are a few guesses:


They reconciled? 
They had a heart attack? 
They committed suicide? 
They no longer have an internet connection? 
They were in a car wreck?

If they left because of the responses they received from TAM, I have a few ideas about that, from the posts I have read.

Examples of abusive things said by TAM posters to new BSes:


Calling the OP's (still beloved spouse) a POS (I just read that on the thread that prompted this thread.)
Insulting or mocking them for being with their spouse. 
Mocking them for their post. ("Are you serious about the (stupid) questions you are asking?")
Mocking by using fake Olde English. ("Get thee hither and (fill in the blank)."
Saying the cheating spouse is ******* their AP. And all their friends are POS.
Saying the BS is married to a "disgusting imbecile." The BS is in shock and still loves their spouse. Calling their cheating spouse names doesn't help them identify a plan. It makes them defensive about their spouse as well as about their own self esteem for being married to a "disgusting imbecile."
Calling the OP "clueless and immature" because the OP isn't 100% sure all the clues indicate their spouse is actually cheating.
Saying that their cheating spouse must look like Quasimodo.
Calling the BS's spouse "goat****."
Insinuating the BS is crazy.
Saying, "Please just get a divorce. Good grief!" (Insinuating, "You are a PITA to me right now and just plain stupid for posting your crap here!")
Saying, "I can't believe I read all that." (Insinuating, "Boy are you stupid and a PITA for posting all that. Forget that your spouse is cheating and your life has turned into a Jerry Springer show and you are in pain. I just can't believe I read all your stupid ****!")

Many TAM posters have been and are outright abusive to new BS posters.

When it happens in their first thread, where they are traumatized and in shock already, it is no wonder they don't come back for more abuse.

My story was bizarre and I was shell shocked when it happened, and the bizarre fallout kept happening for a couple of years. I'm so glad I didn't discover TAM first, but joined a different forum. I had never been on a forum before then. They didn't insult me, or insult/attack my husband. They were empathetic, and informational. There are strict rules there about piling on.

There is no place for abuse on a new BS'es thread. Abusive posters should be banned when they do that to a new BS.

And no, I'm not going to flag all the abusive posts. There are moderators posting on those threads, so they see the abuses, and the posters know what they are typing.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I can control the way I post. I cannot control the way others post. The best contribution I can make to TAM is to make MY posts as helpful as possible. Unless I am a moderator, I cannot dictate how others post, and even then only within the confines of the rules.

I find obsessing over how others post in relation to how I thin they should post to be a meaningless exercise in futility.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Here is the problem...

Yes some of us can be harsh. I get it. I have been. 

But after years and lots of experience doing the, IRL and online, you see patterns. 

You must see that some of the men, esp the men, are so completely and totally in denial and CLUELESS, that they need to be hit in the head with a 2x4. 

Maybe some of the hits are too hard, and I will grant you that. 

But no one ever saved a marriage from infidelity by being a weak doormat.

And the question remains and is debated as too whether people are better off reconciling or divorcing. 

For me, divorce is the answer. 

I don't disagree that maybe some of us are too harsh, but sometimes it takes waking someone up, in order for them to be able to help themselves. 

It is the people that don't talk to anyone her or else where that you have to worry about. 

Example: My GF's BFF... her son shot himself because, 1) his wife had an affair 2) She left 3) He talked to no one about it. This happens way more than anyone would ever think. 

Example 2) (Happy this time) A guy that I worked with over the internet for months finally understood, divorced his wife, and is happy as he has ever been. He did not believe what was going on for a while, then he did not know what to do, the FINALLY he figured it all out. 

After almost a year he wrote me an email and said thank you for being so hard on him and sticking with him through all of is. He said that I was right about everything I said to him and if he would have listened earlier, her would have saved his self months of pain. 

So which is the best way.... who knows...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm 100% with @BluesPower.

The other extreme is SI. Mostly, a lo of sad, pathetic, spineless, men being guided like a 13 years old girl that just lost her first puppy love. They said it's geared toward getting out of infidelity; but what I had gathered the few times that I have had the stomach to read on that forum is mostly about men that forgave their cheating partner pushing for the guy to forgive, reconcile, and be a happy ex-****.
I also see how some try to get the guy to pull his head out of his ass, but not to avail, no even 4x4 would do. Anyway their format don't allow real 4x4's, which in my opinion is just as detrimental.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> You must see that some of the men, esp the men, are so completely and totally in denial and CLUELESS, that they need to be hit in the head with a 2x4.


While I agree that strong dose of the truth is needed, you have to consider where this newbie is in the process. If he enters the door and gets overwhelmed, he leaves. What good is the advice if it's not taken? Likely he is feeling vulnerable and has low self-confidence. If he can stick around after getting hit by 2x4's after his initial post, he likely doesn't need to be here in the first place anyway.

If your first reply is "WTF is wrong with you? Did you not get laid in HS?!? Dump the skank and move on.", you're pushing the guy out the door. If your attitude is that if he can't take your 2x4 he shouldn't be here, that's the wrong attitude. It would be better to understand his side and where he is mentally and craft your responses in a way that he'll be receptive to your advice. Maybe you'll discover that 2x4's are the best way to get through to some individuals, but that shouldn't be your default behavior.

And the same thing happens to LD spouses that come here for advice. The first posts are often filled with anger from HD spouses unloading on the newbie. It overwhelms them and then they leave.

Think of it like getting someone into an exercise class. If the newbie shows up and the instructor immediately pushes them to the extreme and yells at them like a drill sergeant, they'll likely get overwhelmed and quit the class. But if instead the instructor gives them exercises and encouragement appropriate for their level, they'll stick around and get better. Eventually they'll get to the expert level if they are guided along the process.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

People take different amounts of time to reach the Rage Stage. It took me a little time to get there with my XWW.

Once I got there, boy the divorce started moving.

When a new BS posts we can typically deduce where they are at by what they're posting. Are they doing the pick me dance? Are the depressed and drinking? Are they righteously angry?

I think we sometimes try to place a new BS in the Rage Stage before they're ready for it. Naturally they have questions, they are questioning their attractiveness and sexual worth, they are questioning their worth as a spouse and partner and, if applicable, as a parent.

I wasn't ready for the Rage Stage, until I was. But I had to get there in my own time. 

My point is we have to do some analysis to figure out where they actually are and go from there, not where we want our where they think they should be. Any journey will have milestones to reach before the final destination.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Here is the problem...
> 
> Yes some of us can be harsh. I get it. I have been.
> 
> ...


 One thing that I try to keep in mind, sometimes unsuccessfully, is that after reading ALL of the same old same on here and other forums you may tend to take for granted what you have learned. The new posters are clueless and haven't read the 100s of stories with the exact same script, so some leeway needs to be given until they get it, or at least until they SHOULD get it. Bluntness has it's place but maybe not all the time.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> I just read another thread from a BS, and they have stopped posting after just a few posts. I hope the person comes back.
> 
> This is not the first time we've seen this happened. One can't know all the details on their side why they didn't come back but here are a few guesses:
> 
> ...


Sorry if it’s a dumb question but what’s a “BS”? And I agree, I’ve seen several posts here that weren’t very empathetic or kind. Posts like that definitely are not helpful. It’s good to be honest but you can do it without being belittling.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*BS = Betrayed Spouse

And unless these posters are putting out some mind-stretching descriptions of their problems that defy absolute belief, I always attempt to treat them with kid gloves!*


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I find *obsessing over* how others post in relation to how I thin they should post to be a meaningless exercise in futility.
> 
> You just can't help trying to insult people, can you? Noticing something and starting a thread about it a few minutes later is not "obsessing."


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I guess we need to ask ourselves if we are here to help people in a bad spot or polish our egos. The internet's record on this is not that good.

I've seen people be very blunt, but be nice about it. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's pretty clear that.."


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have previously taken, worn the guilty mantle.

I am guilty as charged.

I have admitted this in more than one thread.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I have previously taken, worn the guilty mantle.
> 
> I am guilty as charged.
> 
> I have admitted this in more than one thread.


I thought, but didn't write in my initial post that a brand new poster may be put off by mocking poetry.

I think that it might work with "seasoned" posters, but you're taking a chance with a new poster. They might realize you are toying with them, or think that you, yourself, are crazy.

When I posted on my first forum because of my husband's adultery and how it devastated me, I would have been hurt worse to be made fun of by someone who opportunistically used my predicament to create a funny poem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> I didn't add, SunCMars that a brand new poster may be put off by mocking poetry.
> 
> I think that it might work with "seasoned" posters, but you're taking a chance with a new poster. They might realize you are mocking them, or that you, yourself, are crazy.


Oh, we agree.

..............................................................................

Being crazy is an legitimate excuse.

Being mockingly sane is re'fuse.

This is not an excuse, nor a dodge or a refuge.

Most of us are sane.
The few that aren't are evidently inane. :surprise:



The HeadMates-


The thing is......

We wear on you....
Or we wear you down.

We prefer the prior. :|


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Oh, we agree.
> 
> ..............................................................................
> 
> ...


SunC, I corrected the grammar of my post but you had quoted me before you saw it. 

I don't think you are crazy. In fact, I believe you are very sane, as I have read your posts since you joined. You are just a poet, very creative and a little mischievous.

I don't think there is a place for that on a thread started by someone in serious confusion and pain. They need to hear things simply, and with mercy and kindness. Being funny might be taken as mocking.

What I meant to say is that new posters might *think* that you are crazy.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm 100% with @BluesPower.
> 
> The other extreme is SI. Mostly, a lo of sad, pathetic, spineless, men being guided like a 13 years old girl that just lost her first puppy love. They said it's geared toward getting out of infidelity; but what I had gathered the few times that I have had the stomach to read on that forum is mostly about men that forgave their cheating partner pushing for the guy to forgive, reconcile, and be a happy ex-****.
> I also see how some try to get the guy to pull his head out of his ass, but not to avail, no even 4x4 would do. Anyway their format don't allow real 4x4's, which in my opinion is just as detrimental.


I have read abusive posts to men and to women here on TAM. Maybe some people need to be "guided like a 13 years old girl" at first. Then as time goes on when they are less shell shocked by the adultery, they can handle a 2 x 4.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think the tone could be less harsh. But most cheating spouses ARE "not good people" even if you love them and the sooner a BS gets it the better off they will be. If they want R at all cost let them go to SI where their spouse can practically cheat in front of them, a second later say they are sorry and there will still be resident white knights telling them the spouse is a good candidate. 

I don't think I have ever mocked a BS, I have mocked a WS when they are willfully lying about who they are and what they are doing. I have used the F word to talk about what the spouse is doing and I have made a point that I am doing it with a purpose because it doesn't deserve any other title that pretty's it up. Lot's of BS really need to see the harsh reality of what is happening as lot so them are in too much pain to be able to deal. I see it like cold water. Sometimes you need to be snapped out of it. I don't believe in not saying the truth because it's difficult. Usually I try to acknowledge that it may feel painful to hear but the truth is more important. I look it like the BS is in a burning building and on fire. I could say "well you know um if you stay there you might die of fire um but whatever you want to do it may work out. I know .0001% of people in your situation live through fires like this, I know you are on fire there there." Nah, I am going to say "HOLLY **** you are on fire, get the **** out of there." 

The tone here is harsher that's true, but that's also OK, not every site is for everyone. There are plenty of people here who say this place was a God send, just like there are plenty of people on SI who think the same. It's good that there is both. I would say at least 50% of the folks on SI are coddled to the point where they are disillusionally stuck in dead marriages with POS. It's quite obvious that they are terribly unhappy but that place is such that you can't even point out the Elephant in the room. Almost all of the negative posts in the R forum really only need once sentence replies. "This is the best that you are going to get, you choose to stay married to a POS." It's not helping them when you are not allowed to say that, I mean folks who have pushed through and out and have very happy lives are purposely segregated from posting there. This is just wrong when what they need is to be empowered to move on with there life, that there is hope for better. Not sympathies with and left with the feeling that there is no hope. Shame on people who do that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> Here is the problem...
> 
> Yes some of us can be harsh. I get it. I have been.
> 
> ...


Regardless of the "patterns" you have seen over the years, for the individual posting for the first time because they suspect (or know) their spouse is being unfaithful, it is the _first time for them._

The I got a nerve test at the (regular) Dr.s office. Either he was completely hardened by how badly it hurt, or possibly, he knew how badly it hurt, so he just plowed through it without hesitation to get it over more quickly. I bled like crazy, and it hurt like crazy. I was kind of in shock by how ruthless and fast he was.

Then I went to the Neurologist's office, who gave me the same test. He also knew how badly it hurt. He had to do the exact things, but he took his time, and was more gentle, and inserted the needles more gently, rather than just jamming them in and sending the shocks. He actually apologized for having to hurt me.

I will go back to the Neurologist's office for that test if I ever need it again.

It was the exact test both times, yet one was brutal and it hurt like heck, while the other was more gentle and it hurt less. Plus I was not as emotionally drained the second time, because I wasn't brutalized.

That is an analogy of what I see here on TAM. The difference is that some TAMers actually seem to sadistically enjoy brutalizing people.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I just read another thread from a BS, and they have stopped posting after just a few posts. I hope the person comes back.
> 
> This is not the first time we've seen this happened. One can't know all the details on their side why they didn't come back but here are a few guesses:
> 
> ...


If you refuse to report abusive posters, then how will moderators and/or admin staff know of your concerns?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I think the tone could be less harsh. But most cheating spouses ARE "not good people" even if you love them and the sooner a BS gets it the better off they will be. If they want R at all cost let them go to SI where their spouse can practically cheat in front of them, a second later say they are sorry and there will still be resident white knights telling them the spouse is a good candidate.
> 
> The tone here is harsher that's true, but that's also OK, not every site is for everyone. There are plenty of people here who say this place was a God send, just like there are plenty of people on SI who think the same.


I don't think that calling a WS a POS, a goat******, or an imbecil, or Quasimoto is just a "tone." Neither is mocking and calling a hurting and confused BS names just "tone." It is abuse.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I encountered a poetry lover elsewhere on the Internet. This person didn't write in poetry but had an affinity for it in other ways. She was for ever becoming histrionic about how people post it to her and posted to others. One errant phrase could set her off on a tirade. She would demand that people respond to her in a certain way or not respond to her. Her list of requirements for being an acceptable human were long and endless.

I have noticed that posters like this on Internet forums tend to see almost everyone else as abusers. They are free to attack personally, to call names and other things, but others are not allowed to do so. For example, it is perfectly fine to call me an abuser and use exclamation points to speak of my posts. But when I am blunt, it is wrong

Most of the time these rants about how mean people are are filled with hip ocracy.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> If you refuse to report abusive posters, then how will moderators and/or admin staff know of your concerns?


I will not "report" an abusive poster when there is a moderator also commenting on the same thread. Evidently, the moderator on that thread doesn't consider it abuse, so why should I bother reporting it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I will not "report" an abusive poster when there is a moderator also commenting on the same thread. Evidently, the moderator on that thread doesn't consider it abuse, so why should I bother reporting it?


Moderators are only human. You are presuming that moderators have read every single post on a thread that can be many, many pages in length.

If you can't take 30 seconds to file a report, then that reflects on you rather than other members of TAM and or any moderators or admin staff.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Moderators are only human. You are presuming that moderators have read every single post on a thread that can be many, many pages in length.
> 
> If you can't take 30 seconds to file a report, then that reflects on you rather than other members of TAM and or any moderators or admin staff.


I could be wrong, but I would think that if a moderator is actively participating on a thread by posting comments that he/she has read the abusive posts and thinks they are alright.

MattMatt, just curious, do you think the statements I quoted in my initial post are abusive? Would you have warned those posters?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I could be wrong, but I would think that if a moderator is actively participating on a thread by posting comments that he/she has read the abusive posts and thinks they are alright.
> 
> MattMatt, just curious, do you think the statements I quoted in my initial post are abusive? Would you have warned those posters?


As an ordinary member I have made posts similar to yours, asking people to be kinder. Often in reply to their offensive posts.

But I never publicly refused to help moderators, which is clearly where you and I differ.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> I don't think that calling a WS a POS, a goat******, or an imbecil, or Quasimoto is just a "tone." Neither is mocking and calling a hurting and confused BS names just "tone." It is abuse.


What exactly are they? Misguided?

Abuse? Who is being abused?


So a person who says vows, then willfully lies an destroys the one they vowed to protect. Subject's them to possible life threatening disease. Can't be called a POS. But the person who calls them that is an abuser?

You might want to look up Stockholm Syndrome. 

Are you sure it's these post that you are struggling with? 

Anyway, I wholeheartedly believe that the attitude of this post is the reason why there are threads in the R board of SI, 10,15,20 years later saying that their spouses affair is still the first thing they think about, how they are still tortured because of it. I just don't start threads complaining about it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> As an ordinary member I have made posts similar to yours, asking people to be kinder. Often in reply to their offensive posts.
> 
> But I never publicly refused to help moderators, which is clearly where you and I differ.


I reported on the of posts. It is right above your post warning people about hiding swear words in cute abbreviations.

Had to wait 120 seconds before reporting another abusive post on the same thread that is worse that the first one. There are more abusive posts on that thread.

I figured that since you were posting on the thread that you saw the posts? Maybe not, since the main abuser showed up later on.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Abuse? Who is being abused?


Betrayed spouses who post on TAM asking for advice are being abused by some, not all, TAM members. Did you read my initial post??

I have not seen you abuse people @sokillme. You are blunt about your opinions and observations of the facts that are given. You do not call people obscenities.

You do call a cheating spouse a "cheater." That is a descriptive word, and has a specific meaning. It is not an obscenity, or meant to be an insult.

From what I've read, you don't belittle BSes either. There is a difference between being honest about facts as one sees them and being insulting and abusive.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The attitude of avoiding the truth, hurts people much worse and for much longer then any derogatory names hurled at the awful people who abuse their loving spouses.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Betrayed spouses who post on TAM asking for advice are being abused by some, not all, TAM members. Did you read my initial post??
> 
> I have not seen you abuse people @sokillme. You are blunt about your opinions and observations of the facts that are given. You do not call people obscenities.
> 
> ...


I have called some of the real awful WS POS, I sometimes use very harsh language. I do it for a purpose. I shouldn't get banned for that. I don't agree with calling people who are suffering names. That's not right.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This really isn't about betrayed spouses or wayward spouses. This is about control issues. Remember the big hubbub about whether or not someone was quoting posts and whether or not they were willing to take those "out? This is about control.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I reported on the of posts. It is right above your post warning people about hiding swear words in cute abbreviations.
> 
> Had to wait 120 seconds before reporting another abusive post on the same thread that is worse that the first one. There are more abusive posts on that thread.
> 
> I figured that since you were posting on the thread that you saw the posts? Maybe not, since the main abuser showed up later on.


*Moderator Notice:*

The word you reported, "hither", is* not *a banned word.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> The attitude of avoiding the truth, hurts people much worse and for much longer then any derogatory names hurled at the awful people who abuse their loving spouses.


The derogatory names hurled at their spouse can make a BS who is still stunned, confused and in love stop posting here. 

Calling a cheater a "cheater" is not the same thing as calling someone an imbecile, goat******, POS, etc. and then belittling the BS for being married to them.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Notice:*
> 
> The word you reported, "hither", is* not *a banned word.


Haha! That was good!

So the rest of their post, mocking the BS, by saying, "Are you serious? (for asking their question on this forum)" is fine, then? The thread just degenerates from there by page 3.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Are we supposed to be discussing other threads and moderator action in public like this?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> I just read another thread from a BS, and they have stopped posting after just a few posts. I hope the person comes back.
> 
> This is not the first time we've seen this happened. One can't know all the details on their side why they didn't come back but here are a few guesses:
> 
> ...



Ive seen many people post on several different forums at once. Perhaps they find something they like better on another forum as opposed to TAM. I generally stay out of CWI because I end up getting frustrated. I just cant relate with any of it. Both from people giving advise or those who are posting their stories. Some of the advice is more frustrating than anything else. Particularly for me all the stuff about spying. Or going ham and all that. 

Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it. Seems a little disgusting to me to say the least.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Notice:*
> 
> The word you reported, "hither", is* not *a banned word.


I did not report the word "hither." I reported the post for condescension to the OP who is also the BS.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it. Seems a little disgusting to me to say the least.


Depending on the day, I can probably say, "I resemble that!" Glad you pointed that out. I, for one, will try to stay mindful of that danger in the future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I did not report the word "hither." I reported the post for condescension to the OP who is also the BS.


Condescension is not against the rules, either.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Notice:*
> 
> The word you reported, "hither", is* not *a banned word.


Pheww! 

I was worried. :|

I have traveled hither and yon, have slithered with the best on infield base hits.

Done so under withering fire, even at Wurthering Heights.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> The derogatory names hurled at their spouse can make a BS who is still stunned, confused and in love stop posting here.
> 
> Calling a cheater a "cheater" is not the same thing as calling someone an imbecile, goat******, POS, etc. and then belittling the BS for being married to them.


How about immoral, monster, *******? My default is usually garbage.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

They probably leave and go to SI where all the cucks will give them cyber hugs and annoint them into their cuckaholics club. Here are the rules: 
1.whine and moan all day long 
2.you cant entertain the idea of revenge, you must stew in your self pity
3. give your cheater one full year to **** you around and **** you some more because 'the fog'
4. Search for the ellusive why...because the AP being a willing wet hole is too far fetched
5. If all else fails, hold their hand while they use the toilet so they cant break no contact

Sure, all that sounds so exciting. Or you can have a little self respect and dignity and admit you married a lowlife.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Am i one of these posters? 

I do try to be non offensive but Im not going to lie to them what i see unfolding based on their stories.

I do become harsher if lets say... The thread is 3 yrs old and the betrayed spouse is still posting his or her doormat life however.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it.


Yeah, this, I think there is a lot of acting out by proxy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Okie dokie. Let's just keep sticking to the letter of the law, and keep running off newly betrayed spouses asking for help.
> 
> Have at it people, keep condescending! It's not against the rules. Yippee!


You seem to love quoting me over and over as the 'goat ****,' 'disgusting imbecile,' and' Quasimodo' remarks are some of my better work, but I can't take credit for the olde English or calling the OP crazy or immature, or a PITA for making me read their nonsense. I've told BS's they're being naive, but I save the goat **** and Quasimodo remarks for their cheaters.

Not every new poster is 'run off' by the Mean Squad. There are many times a new poster has started a thread and then hung around for a few hours maybe posting a time or two more, then simply never came back again even when the replies were completely fine. All boards get hit and run posters. Maybe the next day they no longer felt the need to continue posting, maybe they couldn't remember the website or their login because they did it in an incognito window or wiped their browser history, or maybe they simply didn't want to come back and deal with it anymore. It's not always that they were run out of town on a rail by the meanies. 

And not all BS's are new and shell-shocked. Some have been deluding themselves for YEARS. They come here and only want to hear the answers they _*want*_ to hear and if they don't get what they want, they don't come back. Again, not the fault of the meanies. There are BS's who go on and on about suspecting their husband of an affair and then further into their story you find out he's already had SIX affairs *before* this "suspected" seventh. These BS's aren't shell-shocked ingenues; they're full blown *volunteers*. Personally, I think the dead last thing they need is _more_ back-patting. Only the completely deluded are going to tell this BS that her serial cheating husband is a good guy and as long as he is 'remorseful' and gets therapy, things will be great again. As another poster said, this type of delusional thinking (which you see constantly on SI) is actually MORE harmful because it persuades people to stay in miserable marriages and then years later, they're back again crying that their cheater did it AGAIN. Screw that.

Could I use my sensitivity gene when I post? Absolutely. You have a valid point. Conversely, if certain posters tend to rub you the wrong way, then the ignore button is always an option.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Condescension is not against the rules, either.



But if a moderator decides that it has been used ‘inappropriately’, then it becomes against the rules, correct? 
In which case potentially any comment can potentially be deemed ‘inappropriate’ if one doesn’t like or agrees with it.
I think it’s important to have clarity (that is also enforced in a uniform manner) so that the forum can actually be useable.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If you refuse to report abusive posters, then how will moderators and/or admin staff know of your concerns?



I have only reported a post once or twice (when something was very clearly against the rules). Nothing was done about it. It became clear very quickly that certain posters have ‘immunity’.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it.
> ...


 This is absolutely true. Luckily, that is pretty easy to spot. For example, if someone does a few drive by slamming posts when a poster made a mistake at 14 that the drive by post or somehow thinks is just as badd as an affair while married. Those kind of posters are pretty much projecting their only on resolved crap.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Seems like those that Stay vs. Jet because they don't like what they hear for example are good indicators on who is going to survive/thrive the aftermath of what happens in their situations. Kind of like how what I indicated in my update post yesterday. Those that were strong or of a good base before the sh** hit the fan, are a lot more likely to come out of it with their sanity and a path towards peace and eventual happiness.

I got hit over the head repeatedly with 2x4s, asked if I like being treated like this, etc. Think i even got the **** label at one point but I could easily tell those that were trying to help with 2x4s and those that were just trying to take some aggression out with one  I'm a pretty stubborn dude but with an open mind, so deep down I got a chuckle out of some of the things I thought were absurd but gained so much perspective and that's really what I came for. I had some awesome people reach out to me from here but I think my (sarcastic) favorite was some dude on here that received kudos for how he handled it his situation, which including physical abuse in my book, sent me a PM about how weak/spineless I was lol. I didn't want a play by play of what to do but just wanted to measure what I thought was going on and what I thought I should eventually do vs. those that have seen this and what they have done or not done.

The advice and perspective and maybe even more importantly, the outlook for those that had walked my path was invaluable. Being a BS is somewhat relate-able to the other side of being a cheater, an alcoholic, drug abuser, etc. You can get the greatest advice, direction and help in the world but it's YOU, who has to finally make the decision and have it sink in. 

This forum + a great counselor, a great support system (family & friends) = me finally get my head out of my a$$ to make decisions and follow a mindset that not only had my saying things but matched up what was what was coming out of my mouth with what was actually in my head and heart.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I feel the OP has a point. Some people here can be really cruel. Sometimes they are cruel just because they want to be. There is no point to it. That's not cool. 

But do we want a nanny website where we are afraid to tell it like it is? 

Where we are afraid to hurt everyone's feelings?

I like @She'sStillGotIt . Sometimes I sit there and think, WOW! She is spot on. There are a few times I think she has gone a bit far....

I don't want her to change though. People are dealing with real life situations and sometimes things need to be said to wake up and smell the coffee.

There are times when @sokillme or @oldshirt post, I do like them, and they are spot on. It is raw, it is ugly, but it's the truth. 

Too many great posters here to count. 

I think in general people need to keep in mind that there are real people hurting on the other side of the keyboard, but at the same time, the above mentioned posters, IMO do keep that in mind. That is why they spend so much time trying to help these people and tell them the truth.

EVen though it's ugly.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Oh and I wanted to add in @personofinterest since you brought her up. She is a great poster, very thoughtful, smart and insightful. She may get a bit smart assy at times, but who doesn't. 

We all have our strengths and our flaws. I think at the end of the day most people here are trying to help others and/or learn.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Oh and I wanted to add in @personofinterest since you brought her up. She is a great poster, very thoughtful, smart and insightful. She may get a bit smart assy at times, but who doesn't.
> 
> We all have our strengths and our flaws. I think at the end of the day most people here are trying to help others and/or learn.


 Who did I bring up? I'm not sure who you are talking about.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> Who did I bring up? I'm not sure who you are talking about.


You didn't bring anyone up. The OP brought you up on page 1. She said she used several quotes of yours and that you are one of the abusers. 

I don't agree with her assessment.

Looking back, I think she edited it out now. She must of changed her mind.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems......


It seems that @Araucaria got out-knuckled.
A few whipped out their brass-assed best.

She made a good point, so did others.

TAM is a serious Forum, populated by some seriously angry folks.

And a few flakes.

Not snow flakes, they melt away.
The heat in the kitchen is unbearable.

Myself?
I try to keep it humor full.

Try to keep the bats flying elsewhere than in my belfry.
If they land it becomes guano land.

It may become fertilizer for my imagination.
But, it stinks, yep..


Just Sayin'



[THRD]


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Oh and I wanted to add in @personofinterest since you brought her up. She is a great poster, very thoughtful, smart and insightful.


Oh great, now she's going to get a big head.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> FieryHairedLady said:
> 
> 
> > Oh and I wanted to add in @personofinterest since you brought her up. She is a great poster, very thoughtful, smart and insightful.
> ...


If my hair counts as part of my head it was already big.

I admit there are times I get aggressive or snarky. I also admit it is usually because of things that may have nothing to do with an actual thread.

I learned to flip on the hard shell about 5 or so years ago.

Vulnerability is not really my thing online much anymore.

I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's a thing.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ah man, you edited that typo too quick @personofinterest. I was going to make a double dutch jump rope joke that would have killed.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I'll have to say that is why I don't post much on this forum. People can be very mean.

Hurt people can hear what you're saying better when you whisper more than yell.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I think the tone could be less harsh. But most cheating spouses ARE "not good people"


Cheating spouses are just ordinary humans. Not trying to sound too Biblical, but how many people here can claim they have lived a completely virtuous life, and never cheated on anyone or anything? That doesn't excuse the behavior - but it doesn't mean that most of them are a "POS" in all other aspects of their life.

People around here tend to be very quick to advise "just leave him/leave her". But the people asking questions here already know that's an option. They are asking for advise how to fix their relationship. 

If this was a forum about automobiles, and people were asking for advice on repairing their cars, would so many people default their advice to "get rid of the car, and buy a new one"? 




TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it.


I've been posting here on and off for years. A lot of the people posting here are betrayed spouses themselves, and are still angry about it (often justifiably so). However, that really comes through in the advice and sometimes that's not helpful. 

I've see that come through on other issues as well, such as from physically abused spouses - often an OP describes a problem with their husband, and there is nothing in the letter about physical abuse, but some of the comments here will say: "move out now before he gets violent or kills you, that's the same language my ex used and he beat me up, etc" as if they are imagining it's their spouse and projecting themselves into that situation.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Cheating spouses are just ordinary humans. Not trying to sound too Biblical, but how many people here can claim they have lived a completely virtuous life, and never cheated on anyone or anything? That doesn't excuse the behavior - but it doesn't mean that most of them are a "POS" in all other aspects of their life.
> 
> People around here tend to be very quick to advise "just leave him/leave her". But the people asking questions here already know that's an option. They are asking for advise how to fix their relationship.
> 
> ...


Thesus, I know what you are saying about projecting. Some people do that. But at the same time, people who have been abused before and have gotten away from their abuser are more likely able to notice the signs. Same with cheaters. 

Alot of times when someone is in an abusive relationship, they don't even realize how bad it really is because their self esteem has been so beaten down over the years.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Theseus said:


> Cheating spouses are just ordinary humans. Not trying to sound too Biblical, but how many people here can claim they have lived a completely virtuous life, and never cheated on anyone or anything? That doesn't excuse the behavior - but it doesn't mean that most of them are a "POS" in all other aspects of their life.
> 
> People around here tend to be very quick to advise "just leave him/leave her". But the people asking questions here already know that's an option. They are asking for advise how to fix their relationship.
> 
> ...


Adultery is not a garden variety flaw. It's a biggie. There's a big difference between watching too much football or forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home and dipping your wick in another hole. Sure, nobody's perfect, but the degree of the offense is relevant. 

The car analogy fails on two levels. First, the car has no free will. That alone makes it an invalid comparison. When the car fails you, it didn't do so intentionally. It didn't make a conscious choice to betray you. Second, think back to my comment on the degree. If a car just needs new brakes or the alternator went out, that's easily fixable. But if the engine caught fire, the car's probably pretty much totaled and you need to start over. A bad spark plug is like watching too much football. Adultery is the relationship of setting your engine on fire. 

Oh, and I've never been a BS, so I'm not speaking from a place of some unresolved pain here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its almost as if a large swath of BSes are attempting to live vicariously through the BS who came here for advice. "Here's what I would do" and egging them on trying to get the results they want to stick it to the WS the way they wish they would have done it. Seems a little disgusting to me to say the least.


I get what you are saying here and you do have a point to a certain degree. 

But I do think it is fair to offer some perspective in hindsight to areas where we ourselves screwed up and have regret over what we did (or did not do) in the past. 

I think it is fair for people to offer advice on what we wish we had done instead when we were in the hotseat years ago. 

I truly regret and now understand the toxicity and futility of some of the things I did (and did not do) years ago when I was cheated on. 

Now granted I was not married and did not have minor children or shared property and assets with this person at the time, but I was in love and thought we were going to be together forever. 

When I see other people making the same mistakes I made and are walking down the same path to destruction that I did - yes I am going to strongly urge them not to make my mistakes and take the course of action that I now know is the more effective path. 

I think that is only fair but prudent. 

Now are some people making it into their own personal bloodsport so they fantasize about their own WS suffering vicariously through some other BS's actions??? Perhaps. 

But it is going to be real hard to draw a line between offering first hand knowledge and experience vs just wanting some vicarious revenge. It's going to come down to is the poster posting his/her advice for the benefit of the OP, or for their own sense of vengeance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I have only reported a post once or twice (when something was very clearly against the rules). Nothing was done about it. It became clear very quickly that certain posters have ‘immunity’.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not necessarily. 

Some people get 'nasty grams'. Corrective PM's from MODs.

Telling them to follow the guidelines.

Followed with the complementary and at no charge, 'or else'. :frown2::|:surprise::smile2::grin2:

Huh? 
What?





[THRD]


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I've gotten a couple of time-outs. I deserved them. But there's always an explanation, which I appreciate.

I figure, TAM playground=TAM rules. I taught school long enough to know that the whole "she did it TOOOOOOO" thing doesn't fly. I'm human Suzie. I saw you hit Jolene, and I didn't see Tommy hit Bobby. Either way you broke the rules. Time out.

We seem to think other people's bad behavior excuses ours at times.

It doesn't


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Theseus said:


> Cheating spouses are just ordinary humans. Not trying to sound too Biblical, but how many people here can claim they have lived a completely virtuous life, and never cheated on anyone or anything? That doesn't excuse the behavior - but it doesn't mean that most of them are a "POS" in all other aspects of their life.
> 
> People around here tend to be very quick to advise "just leave him/leave her". But the people asking questions here already know that's an option. They are asking for advise how to fix their relationship.
> 
> ...


I do believe that there are patterns and playbooks and common themes that play out over and over again. I do not think that cheaters or abusers are all that original or unique. 

Sure, no one situation is going to follow exactly the way a previous situation played out 100% , but when you see a few dorsal fins circling around you in the water, you need to be aware there is a high likelihood you'll be a shark buffet very soon if you do not take immediate action. 

Wisdom is all about being able to read the signs that are all around us. 

Even your car analogy has merit. Yes, with enough time, money and effort any car can be put back on the road. 

But there are many instances when you can dump a ton of time, effort and money into replacing the blown engine and drive train into car to get it back on the road and then a few thousand miles later something else falls off and it's back in the shop sucking up more time, effort and money. 

There comes a time when you can shell out a few more dollars and save yourself a lot of time, labor and aggravation and get a new, shiny car that smells good and runs perfectly and you don't have to worry about leaving you stranded along the side of the road for many years. 

Anyone that's ever had a lemon can relate to the feeling of freedom you get when that weight is lifted off your shoulders and the dark cloud over your head is gone. 

And I also believe that things like cheating and physical abuse etc etc ARE character related and can often be tied together. 

Yes, any one individual can cheat one time. But the world is made of patterns that are all tied together. Does this person show a pattern and a nature of entitlement, selfishness, getting their way through force and/or manipulation, only following rules that benefit them and breaking rules when it suits them etc etc 

Not every person that suddenly puts a password on their phone and takes their phone into the bathroom with them is cheating. 

But darn near every last cheater that did not previously have a password or take their phone with them prior to cheating does now. 

It's a sign. It's a change of pattern that points to the pattern of cheaters.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I've gotten a couple of time-outs. I deserved them. But there's always an explanation, which I appreciate.
> 
> I figure, TAM playground=TAM rules. I taught school long enough to know that the whole "she did it TOOOOOOO" thing doesn't fly. I'm human Suzie. I saw you hit Jolene, and I didn't see Tommy hit Bobby. Either way you broke the rules. Time out.
> 
> ...



gods, don't I know it.


My HeadMates mouth off and I get punished.

I have repeatedly said, "It wasn't me, Boss!"; "I wasn't driving!".

The MODs, they don't buy it. 

Nope!

It is my responsibility to keep the squirrels in line and behaving.






[THRD]


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> gods, don't I know it.
> 
> 
> My HeadMates mouth off and I get punished.
> ...


Yeah....when Martha or Ninjagirl are wanting to post, I have to be very careful. I can usually tamp them down. But when Soleil Suzy comes out....ya just gotta batten down the hatches and let her do her thing. Her sword is way too big to mess with.....

But it's the evil esquire who created her, so he cannot complain when she bares teeth.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FieryHairedLady said:


> It is raw, it is ugly, but it's the truth.
> 
> 
> I think in general people need to keep in mind that there are real people hurting on the other side of the keyboard, but at the same time, the above mentioned posters, IMO do keep that in mind. That is why they spend so much time trying to help these people and tell them the truth.
> ...


Here's the thing - Adultery is raw and ugly and it is a reality. 

It is a part of humanity and it is in the backdrop of human existence and likely always will be - that is a reality. 

It is raw and ugly and tears out a big piece of our soul when it happens to us. That is also a reality. 

Another reality is there is no way to effectively deal with something that raw and ugly by having everything be neat and tidy and make everyone feel good at all times. There is no way to sugar coat the turd sandwich to where you can't taste the turd that lies within. 

I think we can be empathetic and compassionate to those who are injured and in pain. But the treatment and the therapy are going to hurt as well. 

You can't set and fix a broken arm and have it heal effectively and have it be functional again in the future without the proper treatment hurting as well. 

Adultery is so bad that there is no clean and painless fix.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, this, I think there is a lot of acting out by proxy.


People say this all the time and for the most part it is completely wrong. 

We tell them what they need to do, because we have lived it, and advised people about it. 

There is a way to handle this, and a way not to handle this stuff. 

We have seen it so many times. Do it the right way and you might save the marriage, or it may not. 

But for sure, doing it the right way will save the OP time, and heartache...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

and in regards to BS's making a post or two and disappearing, I think the main reason is most people have better things to do in that situation than spending time and energy on an internet forum. Their world is caving in and reading strangers on a forum blather is probably not on their priority list...… and rightfully so. 

I also think a lot of people do not come here for solid advice and guidance on what to do, but to have people cheer the hero's (them) and boo the villains (the AP).

They want to have people tell them how great they are and how that it is unfathomable that anyone would cheat on them and that the AP is horrible monster from the depths of hell and that their WS is an idiot and fool for falling for the temptations of the AP. 

I do think many are looking for a magic phrase or what words to say in a moving speech that will make the WS change their mind and end the A and live happily every after with the BS. 

They may also want to hear how to "nice" their way back into the WS's good graces with date nights and foot rubs and good meals and good sexual techniques. 

No one wants to hear about hiring lawyers or closing accounts or child custody matters or putting the house on the market or divorce hearings looking for an apartment etc etc. 


No one wants to hear that their WS has passionate and yearning feelings for the AP and is having the most passionate sex of their lives with the AP and likely doing things with the AP that they either no longer do with them or have never done with them. 

And no one especially wants to hear that they may have to significantly change things about themselves and do things differently going forward if they are to have a life with the WS. 

People want magic phrases and pretty words to end affairs and resume life as it was before. They don't necessarily want to hear about all this unpleasant and dirty stuff in the opening scenes of an affair.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I get what you are saying here and you do have a point to a certain degree.
> 
> But I do think it is fair to offer some perspective in hindsight to areas where we ourselves screwed up and have regret over what we did (or did not do) in the past.
> 
> ...


I think it's pretty easy to spot the difference. "You should burn the mattress" and all that. Or the ol stand by "what did she say when you told her that? ...really? Well I would respond with xyz" this is the crap I'm talking about. People clearly getting some sort of sick pleasure from it all. 

There's giving advice based on your own past mistakes and experiences, then there is this other stuff I'm talking about.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I haven't read all of the replies. so this may have been mentioned. But sometimes the BS isn't even a BS. They may simply be someone hoping to correct an issue that they may be sensing that may not be anything at all. 
For instance someone will post "my wife has been working late this week". Which will provoke an onslaught of "she is cheating!", "get a VAR!", "get tested for STDs!" or "dump her cheating ass!"
We all tend to see life thru the filters of our own experiences and maybe that was something that happened to the person who is responding. But it may not apply to the person starting the thread.
And then of course, if you disagree with the respondent, then you are a weak beta allowing people to walk all over you.
If I was some of these people looking for advice I would be scared too! I sometimes wonder how many otherwise fine relationships have been irrevocably damaged by some really bad advice


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ynot said:


> I haven't read all of the replies. so this may have been mentioned. But sometimes the BS isn't even a BS. They may simply be someone hoping to correct an issue that they may be sensing that may not be anything at all.
> For instance someone will post "my wife has been working late this week". Which will provoke an onslaught of "she is cheating!", "get a VAR!", "get tested for STDs!" or "dump her cheating ass!"
> We all tend to see life thru the filters of our own experiences and maybe that was something that happened to the person who is responding. But it may not apply to the person starting the thread.
> And then of course, if you disagree with the respondent, then you are a weak beta allowing people to walk all over you.
> If I was some of these people looking for advice I would be scared too! I sometimes wonder how many otherwise fine relationships have been irrevocably damaged by some really bad advice


Ive seen some absolutely ****ty advice several times from the same person. I wont name names, but in my head I see them almost as a meme its so bad. Like that life advice lamp on Twitter who gives the most ass backwards advice as a joke. Except this particular poster actually believes what they are saying which makes it even more comical.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> They probably leave and go to SI where all the cucks will give them cyber hugs and annoint them into their cuckaholics club. Here are the rules:
> 1.whine and moan all day long
> 2.you cant entertain the idea of revenge, you must stew in your self pity
> 3. give your cheater one full year to **** you around and **** you some more because 'the fog'
> ...


It sounds like you spend a lot of time reading on SI, lol!

I don't care for that site, so I don't read it. You could do the same.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Am i one of these posters?
> 
> I do try to be non offensive but Im not going to lie to them what i see unfolding based on their stories.
> 
> I do become harsher if lets say... The thread is 3 yrs old and the betrayed spouse is still posting his or her doormat life however.


Are you asking for my opinion, @RandomDude? If you are, then here it is: I don't consider you one of the abusers.

The majority of the abusers are women.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I do think many are looking for a magic phrase or what words to say in a moving speech that will make the WS change their mind and end the A and live happily every after with the BS.
> 
> They may also want to hear how to "nice" their way back into the WS's good graces with date nights and foot rubs and good meals and good sexual techniques.
> 
> ...


BRAVO!! :yay:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I stopped posting "regularly" about 18 months back for many of the same reasons posted on this thread. This board has changed a LOT since I came back in late 2012. Many great posters have left / banned since. All I have ever tried to do is give advice and often, add a personal experience as reinforcement. I don't have kids and always say, keep that in mind if I offer advice about D with kids.

In the past I always went in with kid gloves at first. Some people need that more than others. When the veil of reality hits the BS and they begin to backslide, yes I have dropped 2x4s. But not in the just found out stage. I recall six years ago..... I was in that "WTF just happened" stage. I was a mess for a few weeks. Even though....deep down I knew a D was best for the both of us.

Only until one drops down the rabbit hole and comes out will they begin to understand rather than deny. There is a difference in being in the just found out stage and the rage stage.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I read SI every day and I do not see that. At All.

What I do see is ppl here making fun of ppl there trying to recover. Like they absolutely cannot stand it if someone doesn't throw their newly cheating spouse out the door never to see them or the kids again. 

My husband and I worked it out. The good ppl of SI helped me confess. They also said warned how much time our recovery would take and to trust the process. Ppl here told me we were both losers (me more than him) and we should just throw in the towel. 
We are living a very happy, confident, imperfect life. Together.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> -snip- if certain posters tend to rub you the wrong way, then the ignore button is always an option.


:grin2: Yep! I won't be seeing anything else you type!

The sad thing is that my ignoring you won't help new posters who are being abused by you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> On a side note: the trash has been put outside so it doesn't smell up the house, and with that, mean girls are on ignore.


This says infinitely more about the person who posted it than it does about anyone deemed a mean girl.

How is this type of calling out NOT abusive? Like I said....hypocrisy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The two most important posts I write here to me are the ones I write to those who come on here when they just find out and are in a state of shock. In my experience that was probably the second hardest moment. I remember that feeling and I very earnestly want to try to help someone feeling that way. There is not that much you can do though. 

What ties into that and what absolutely was the hardest feeling for me at the time was that the torture I was feeling was not going to ever go away. I truly believed that at the time. If you notice I almost always make a point of reassuring those people that it's going to get better. The most important thing I think you can do for a person who is suffering is to give them hope. But it can't be a false hope. The hope can't be in the form of the now broken marriage because none of us can say if there is hope in that marriage.

I think there are really two very different issues here. One is the tone, when it seems to be attacking the BS or anyone who posts here even if it is out of frustration I think that is a mistake. (I probably have been guilty of doing that in the past). Even for those who think that is fine (and believe me I get it) I would ask to consider that doing that is just not that effective. It's not going to get them to change their thinking.

I think the other issue is the idea that we can't give people false hope and frankly I see this done way too much. Not as much here, though some posters do this, but way to much on some other sites there is a tendency the only way you can do that is if you make the hope about the marriage. What I mean is there is always hope in the poster, but having hope in the marriage could lead to more pain. Which is why it's wrong to do. Frankly I think until there is a proven track record of years, it's wrong to direct any hope in the marriage at all. Essentially when you do this you are putting hope into a person (the WS) who now has a proven track record that makes them a very bad risk. 

I understand the motivation to want to do this but it's just the wrong thing to do. I am reminded of parents who avoid hard truths with their children. I am not saying BS are children but in a sense it's the same idea when it comes to being cheated on. It's important that they understand that what they are up against and what they are signing up for. It's a big risk with something that is finite, time. You are not doing them any favors.

I don't want to try to make any poster feel better in the short term at the expense of the long. I have been banned a few times, mostly defending myself against this attitude. Apparently if you have one of the 1% experiences in R the thought is everyone was destined for same. And usually all it takes is the right words by the WS. I often rail against the statement ("They are a good candidate for R") which is a goto for many. It takes years to know if the WS is a good candidate for R. And it should not because they are crying in a puddle of their own tears faced with the consequences of their actions. Some people just are too naive to understand who most of these people are. It also follows the attitude of many that avoiding divorce means a successful R, which I completely reject. Success should thought in the context of quality of life. Suffering through a dead marriage just to say you didn't get divorced is no way to live. 

Make no mistake though I have gotten a lot of flack I take my posting here very seriously. All I can say is that I have had quite a few people thank me in PM's. One person even wrote on a thread months later that I was the one person who told him the truth and everything I said came true. I have never tried to be nice on here though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Theseus said:


> Cheating spouses are just ordinary humans.


Ordinary humans do extraordinary terrible things though. What does this really mean anyway, if you think about this until we level up we are all ordinary humans.



Theseus said:


> Not trying to sound too Biblical, but how many people here can claim they have lived a completely virtuous life, and never cheated on anyone or anything? That doesn't excuse the behavior - but it doesn't mean that most of them are a "POS" in all other aspects of their life.


No offense but I always find these kinds of post insulting. I can say I never cheated on anyone pretty easily. I am not going to own the idea that I am like a cheater because I borrowed homework from someone in 10th grade. Nope. I am not a rapist either and I am willing to be most of us who have been through it would say long term infidelity is much closer to rape then say, not paying for your check. 

Look someone who cheats may be a great accountant and when I am on a board posting about their accounting skills I will have no problem saying so. However if I am talking to their wife whose life and kids they just crushed I am going to refer them in the context of the actions we are posting about.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Araucaria said:


> I just read another thread from a BS, and they have stopped posting after just a few posts. I hope the person comes back.
> 
> This is not the first time we've seen this happened. One can't know all the details on their side why they didn't come back but here are a few guesses:
> 
> ...


I agree with a lot of what you have to say here. However,I believe not much will change unless the posting parameters are changed and posters that take offense are more willing to use the report function.

From my point of view there are also a few trolls that pose as a BS. Oftentimes a post is made solely to elicit 2x4's or divorce the POS types of reply. Then,other posters chide those posters and soon it's not about the situation,but about whose stance is correct.

I don't get on TAM much anymore,but when I do I want to be as respectful of others as I can be. Sometimes,not often,that can take me a minute. Not everyone will pause,but then that's life.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FieryHairedLady said:


> I like @She'sStillGotIt . Sometimes I sit there and think, WOW! She is spot on. There are a few times I think she has gone a bit far....



I find it difficult to get offended with what she writes. It’s too funny. I think if you are funny, you should get some brownie points for just being funny, even if you write ridiculous and over the top stuff.
Obviously if a man would write something like that, then...forget about it.

I want to keep her at home, as a pet, to entertain myself and friends. Is there anywhere I can buy one of those? 
I bet IRL she is the most devoted and agreeable wife ever but on TAM, she is just showing off her ‘wild side’


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FieryHairedLady said:


> I think in general people need to keep in mind that there are real people hurting on the other side of the keyboard, but at the same time, the above mentioned posters, IMO do keep that in mind. That is why they spend so much time trying to help these people and tell them the truth.
> 
> EVen though it's ugly.



Some people don’t want to hear the truth (even if it is obvious, to the outside observer). They come here for validation. Or to pretend to be someone, they are not (not trolling, but it’s easy to make an online persona anything you want it to be or emphasise certain aspects of it; it doesn’t mean it will be anything remotely like this IRL. After all, you are presenting yourself with your writing, not with how people actually observe you to be. I am not sure people understand how misleading this can be and they get caught up in their imagination).
But that’s forums for ya.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Not necessarily.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




What? I never get PMs to tell me off.  I feel left out. I get sent to the Gulag straight away.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

I don’t usually venture into the CWI subforum cuz it makes me sad and/or angries up my blood reading what the OPs share about the horrible things they are going through and also seeing all the belligerent responses they receive is disappointing, but not unexpected.

We’re not a kind species. When a stranger reaches out on the internet, some use the barrier of anonymity to attack, be cruel, and let the invective fly. It’s gross, but sadly commonplace. It’s literally all over the internet – news sites, youtube, Instagram, pretty much anywhere comments can be made.

I’m kinda inured to a lot of cruel crap from childhood so I just skip over/ignore a lot of it. But! I’m still a tenderhearted ******* , which is a liability and annoying af (believe me, people, I know). Most of the time, I follow Rumi’s advice -“The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore” – but if I’m in a bad way, sometimes the negative ****tiness does affect me.

Even still I’ve never used the ignore function, flagged posts, or reported members (I don’t fault those that do) because it’s just not my thing; not even when I was called a ***** here for having male friends (lol!). I don’t like censorship and it takes a lot to offend me. Even if something does upset me, I’m not going to request that it or the poster be censored; what I find inappropriate others may find valuable. 

If something does truly bother me, I usually just take it head on and address it with the poster to try to appeal to them to be more empathic and kinder in their approach, particularly if the OP is hurting or it’s a sensitive subject. Most of the time we have a good exchange, publicly or privately, where we both come away having learned something, other times…not so much.

A compassionate approach isn’t always correct, but conversely not every problem is a nail that needs to be bashed down with a cold blunt hammer; especially if the OP is new, vulnerable, hurting, and/or has self-esteem issues, is in shock, or in an abusive relationship. 

It’s also possible to be firm, assertive, and give “tough love” without being cruel or demeaning. Wouldn't hurt to try. 

TAM is a pretty unique, wonderful place; we discuss some of the most painful, awful life events out in the open and rely on the kindness and wisdom of strangers to help us through. Being excessively/consistently insensitive and insulting can contribute to an overall miasma of negativity that drives those in need away, which is unfortunate. 

I feel like there’s a place here for everyone and we all could stand to learn something from one another; I just wish people would be more compassionate at times, particularly to those in pain. That's all.

I mean, I can appreciate cutting, caustic comments just as much as the next misanthrope, but not when it’s at the expense of someone who is already down and struggling to get back up.

I just wish people would be nice (until it’s time to not be nice!) 

(Yes, I just quoted Roadhouse.)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tis' beating others, lip lashing others for your own (in like kind) poor responses.

Tis' do as I say, not do as I do, uh, did.

Tis' helping ourselves through others misfortunes.

Tis' a woulda', shoulda', coulda' knee-jerk response. Who was the jerk? TBD.

Tis' shining a dim light through one's own {finger print laden} projector lens.

Tis' firing rubber bullets at a mirror with the whining target staring back.

Tis' living a fantasy life of tongue dragging, wagging, slinging debauchery at a real person.

Tis' watching a live person squirm every time you slam home the keystrokes.

Tis' hating yourself every time the betrayal record is played for the next lying dance contestant.

Tis' distracting, distancing yourself from your own woes while immersed in some other blokes or birds misfortune.

Tis' watching ants squirm.... 
Watching them writhe in pain when you flood their internet sanctuary with liquid inflammatory words....
Done so morosely and despondently....

Lighting the match, flicking it downward to burn the fools below.
Leaving them nowhere to run, leaving them to burn alone in anguish *mit Arger und Schame.*


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> and in regards to BS's making a post or two and disappearing, I think the main reason is most people have better things to do in that situation than spending time and energy on an internet forum. Their world is caving in and reading strangers on a forum blather is probably not on their priority list...… and rightfully so.


This is the number one answer IMO, I don't mind TAM for general relationship discussions, sex discussions etc. but...the advice sucks for the most part. We all make assumptions based on what OPs write....the problem is...there are always gaps. Not because they are hiding things, but because no one has time to type the WHOLE story to a bunch of strangers. In the rare instances when an OP sticks around for pages and pages, everything does come out. But....in those instances who has time to read all of that? You end up basing your advice on their first two or three posts. I honestly feel like forums should be treated as an anonymous public journal, and not a place where most should take the advice given.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ok, here's my perspective and will always be the foundation of my response/advice. I've been around long enough, seen enough, and did enough to be confident I'm on the money or real close to it.
1. Most BSs will always put their best foot forward while presenting their side despite trying to sound humble and open minded. Many want no form of change by them or doing any heavy lifting.
2. A cheater always justifies their action prior to cheating whether its a minute, day, month , or year prior to cheating. There is no such thing as, "It just happened". 
3. A cheater, and especially WWs always has lowered their romantic interest in their spouse or may have a low romantic interest to begin with. The signs of a lowered romantic interest is observable before, during, and after any form of cheating.
4. A low romantic interest is usually accompanied by a loss of respect.
5. Once romantic interest is lowered, it seldom and likely never comes back. (hence the follow up post that since reconciliation, sex and intimacy is lacking)
6. A lowered romantic interest is oftentimes caused by the BS and its incumbent on and behooves the BS to conduct their own analysis so they won't continue to make the same mistakes. 
7. Trust will never return and shouldn't. Tolerance and hope is as good as it gets.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

The best advice I ever got here was to go to IC and work on myself. That has helped but while my situation has improved somewhat I consider my marriage a work in progress so I keep coming back looking for ideas rather than validation - and I read every post knowing that the vast majority of people here are damaged goods. When I feel my capacity for filtering out others' emotional baggage is full I find that I have to withdraw and center myself almost as much as dealing with my spouse at times. If anything, it's taught me to really cut back on venting.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think most women that have been betrayed and come here need some loving and caring advice. Better that it comes from another female. 

Most men need a 2x4 first thing to knock them out of the disbelief of what is going on. Then they can think rationally and get things done after the 2x4. 

If they refuse to see the truth, there is nothing we can do and they leave. 

I will always call the OM/W a POS, because they are. 

I will call the cheater a POS if they are cruel when they are confronted by the betrayed spouse. 

And if you read any of my post, I do lean towards divorce when cheated on. Just because I can never see myself staying afterwards if I was cheated on.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have been around for some time now, yet I rarely post because the backlash from some people on here is just plain rude, condescending and mean. 

Some of the posters act like this is their little club, either agree or you can’t play

I particularly dislike like some that say oh well it’s just me and the OP can deal with it.

Wow, been wanting to say that for a long time!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The thread is nearly a year old at this point.

As was stated earlier ... and I will restate.

There are a whole lot of people on this site at any given time.

At best there may be 2 mods on, rarely 3. We do not, and cannot read every post. 

Do use the Report feature. It's the yield sign beneath your avatar.

Be aware that action may not be immediate. 

Mods have lives too.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

I have been a member of 2 other such boards and moderated one. Not to disrespect ANYONE, but this is a board where people tend to be harsher and more quick to judge and like seeing people punished that the other two. Not that there aren't some really fine people here (there are) or that the other boards don't have their edgy people (they do) or that there are times when punishment/vindication aren't the order of the day (sometimes it is the best way)... But this is a more judgmental place. Not by a wide margin, but it just is. 

But I like this board. And this is just my take on the question asked.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Honestly, I find this forum to be more friendly to all users than any for of I have ever been a part of period on one forum I used to frequent, 1 moderator in particular had a power trip. I used to say he had little man syndrome. He would ban and sanction people at we Alma. On the 1st forum where I ever posted, it was great at the beginning. Now there is 1 line and 1 line only, and anyone who steps a toe out of that line is severely reprimanded. And piling on? That is what they do as their modus operandi. In fact, if you watch a thread, if they betrayed or wayward spouse does not answer questions within 30 minutes to an hour, 3 or 4 people are piling on telling them they must not really be serious. As if normal people don't have jobs and such. I like to call that site the Scientology of marriage forums. Because if you openly criticize them, they will go all over the Internet and try to docks you. Because they are crazy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some posters here are extremely hostile to people who have cheated. I find that unfortunate because I think that there is a lot to learn from understanding *why* people cheat. It easy to say "they are terrible people" but that doesn't help understand. 

In some cases there *are* things someone can do to reduce (not eliminate) the chances that their partner will cheat. In some cases it can help recognize that someone themselves is sliding in that direction.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Some posters here are extremely hostile to people who have cheated.


I have a hard time with betrayers at times. I mean, I can get it when 2 people simply have no relationship anymore and both are terrible to each other so one takes solace elsewhere... I don't agree with it as there are always options, but I get it at least. But those who do so and really have no excuse are just tough to identify with and I can be a little intolerant. So, at all times, betrayers beware!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

But by being hostile, you lose the information. Some of the betrayers have been rejected for sex for years, or have a partner who never bathes, or who sits on the sofa all day, etc etc.

Its easy to say that they "should divorce", but there are children, houses etc. "just divorcing" in a decades long marriage is not a simple thing. 

Imagine a woman who has not had a job in 20 years because she was raising kids. Now her husband has become a disgusting slob. Should she divorce with no real means of support? Live sexless for the rest of her life? 




blazer prophet said:


> I have a hard time with betrayers at times. I mean, I can get it when 2 people simply have no relationship anymore and both are terrible to each other so one takes solace elsewhere... I don't agree with it as there are always options, but I get it at least. But those who do so and really have no excuse are just tough to identify with and I can be a little intolerant. So, at all times, betrayers beware!


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

uhtred said:


> But by being hostile, you lose the information. Some of the betrayers have been rejected for sex for years, or have a partner who never bathes, or who sits on the sofa all day, etc etc.
> 
> Its easy to say that they "should divorce", but there are children, houses etc. "just divorcing" in a decades long marriage is not a simple thing.
> 
> Imagine a woman who has not had a job in 20 years because she was raising kids. Now her husband has become a disgusting slob. Should she divorce with no real means of support? Live sexless for the rest of her life?


You're being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overly defensive. 

Loosen your bullets there a bit, sheriff.


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