# I need help before its too late



## Bigheart (Jun 20, 2013)

I'm 27 and I met my now husband when I was a senior in hs (we didn't meet in school he dropped out of his hs when he was a sophomore). I was in a relationship with a man who was a liar, and very sneaky with other woman. I grew apart from him while I met my husband who at the time worked for my bf at the times dads automotive shop. We started hanging out a lot, and we had sex together quite often. At that time my husband was into drinking a lot, and smoking pot and cigarettes. I knew I didn't want to be with someone who did those things, because my bf of almost 8yrs at the time did that when I first met him, and I tried to change him, and he just ended up doing that stuff behind my back, and lying to me about it. My now husband and I stopped talking for about a year, and in that time he dated someone else, and changed and quit smoking pot, and cigs, and rarely drank. We ran into each other at walmart, and the sparks started flying again. We starting all over again with wanting to spend all our time together (while I was with my current bf) after about a year my husband told me when my lease was up he wanted me to move in with him or we couldn't be together. That was a hard decision for me, because even though I didn't have feelings for my bf of almost 8yrs anymore because all of the lying, and sneekyness (before I cheated) had taken a toll on me. So I took the leap and moved in with him (mind you he still lived at home with his mom) I had lived with my now ex on our own since I was 17yrs old (my ex was 8 yrs older than me) my now husband had never been in a real serious relationship like I have, and I was scared because he has never had another female live with him, he's known for not dating longer than a year or so. Our relationship was great until I moved in with him. He stopped showing me the love and affection I was getting before. We mad love probably once a week if that, and he was sneaky with his cell phone. He always had to have it on vibrate, and keep it on him. He always deleted his calls, and text messages. He promised me he wouldn't be like my ex whom I couldn't trust, because he was always sneaky. I just started having these gut feelings that something wasn't right. I felt like he was being sneaky about something. I found a text on his phone who had the name programed at "Bert" and it was asking him about tires (he worked at a tire shop). There was a smiley, and most guys don't put them. I asked him about the text, and he went on saying it was a guy who used to come into his old work blah blah blah. Well I didn't believe him, so one day he was getting ready for work and I jotted the number down, and I called on my way to work and a female answered. I asked is this Bert? And she hung up on me, so I called back and it went to voicemail, and it said Brittany. My heart SANK because I knew of this girl before as always being single, very flirty, and I disliked her because she had worked with my husband at a gas station he used to work at, and they went to middle, and part of hs together, and were friends. I didn't like her because a lot of people said he slept with her, and I remember when I was with my ex he would hang out with her, and make me jelous on purpose. Before I moved in with him months before him and Brittany stopped talking to each other. So I thought when I moved in she wouldn't be a problem. He said he wouldn't talk to her again blah blah blah. He told me later on after he yelled at her for sleeping with a married man (why he would care if they were JUST FRIENDS) is beyond me. He deleted his texts to and from her. I felt very insecure after that, and to make matters worse I found out she worked right down the street from where he used to work. Now I felt like do they go to lunch together, does she get work done on her car their. After a year and a half of living at his moms I became pregnant. He told me a while after he was considering leaving me, until he found out I was pregnant in November of 2010. We lived at his moms for a total of 2yrs until I said their is no way I am having this baby living at his moms. So July 1st 2011 we moved into house together, and our daughter was born August 2011. We started seeing a councilor to work on our relationship. I wanted to be married before our daughter was born, but that didn't happen because he didn't want to. October 2011 we went to a wedding, and our daughter was being very fussy, and it was day time out. My husband took our daughter outside and came back in like 5 mins later. She was crabby and he took her out again, and this time he was gone for a while and I got a gut feeling. I went outside to look for him when I saw a female who I knew as his EX who they lost their virginity holding my daughter!!! I was sooooo FUXXING mad, I was very depressed and emotional during that time with my life with being a new mom ect... I thought how dare he be so dumb to let his ex hold our child. We left the wedding, and he stayed home with our daughter and I went back to get my mind off it. Then in December I still felt like he was talking to Brittany so I was able to get into his cell records, and sure enough they talked ALL THE TIME while he was at work. I confronted him again, because in front of the councilor I asked him one last time to be honest, and tell me if he still has contact with her, and he said "No". Again I was devastated, and it turned into a huge fight he left the house, and went who knowns were. I called that Brittany ***** to tell her how I was feeling. She said she wouldn't talk to him, but of course that didn't happen. She called and texted him after I got off the phone with her, and he told me and when he got home that night the text messages between them were erased. Again he threatened to leave me and what not. Time went on and he told me he would tell me if she messaged him. She messaged him in Jan 2012 asking If he would come to her house because she got a flat tire, he wrote he can't because he was at work. He also said I don't think Amber would be very happy if you came here (as in his work). She said w/e and that was that, then another text in Feb she text him said "FYI their is a guy in my sociology class that looks just like you it makes me miss you " now I don't know about anyone else, but I took that as she has a thing for my now husband. I told him enough is enough he needs to tell her to leave him alone or me and his daughter is walking out. He started yelling at me on the phone, and called me a *****. 20 mins later he called and apologized to me, and said he text her "We cant talk anymore its causing problems between Amber & I" she replied with "I hope you don't regret it". That supposedly was the last time they ever spoke. We are still getting over that issue in our relationship because I felt so deceived by him, and I'm so upset that she was worth lying to me about. It made me wonder if they really did have a past even though he swore up and down, and on our daughters life he never did anything with her. We got married Aug 23 2012 in NC we are from WI, and when we were on vacation we got new cell phones, and changed both of our numbers so we could start over. As far as I know to this day he doesn't talk or hasn't talk to her, and she doesn't have his number. He gave me access to phone records, and his phone if I feel the need to check it, and he also never keeps his phone on vibrate or in his pocket 24/7. Oh and I later found out he told Brittany to only text him while he was at work, so she knew I didn't approve of their so called friendship. So July 1st we will have been together 4yrs, and in Aug married for one. We have had soooo many ups and downs so far in our relationship/marriage. We still go to counceling once a week. I don't trust my husband even close to 100%, but I am trying. He says I'm too controlling, and maybe I am but I feel he didn't help my insecurities. Since we have been married he has threatened to leave me more than 8 times. When I said "I DO" I meant that forever, and I will do whatever I can to make our marriage work. Both of us came from divorced parents at the age of 6ish. I don't want that for my daughter, and even though our marriage isn't perfect I love him with all of my heart, and I'm trying to seek the help I need, and we need. Today he got into a fight with his sister because of me then he started *****ing at me, and when he got home we didn't talk to each other. I've been a stay at home mom since I got pregnant because I got fired from my job 2 days before I found out I was pregnant. Anyways later on tonight we talked about what he said to his sister, and then we talked about the mean things he said to me on the phone after that. He told me he is unhappy, and has been since before our daughter was born (this is the 3rd time he's ever said that) he said he just doesn't feel the same about me, and doesn't think our marriage is going to work (he's said that a lot). He said it annoys him when I call him at work, he feels he has to call me or i'll get mad. He says he hates cuddling with me (This is an issue we have been having since I moved in, and he never got affection as a child) he cant stand being near me a lot. It makes me feel sooooo sad because I feel like now everytime he does cuddle with me, kiss me I'm going to feel like he doesnt even want to. He said I pressured him into marring me when he wasn't ready because of how our relationship was. We talked about another baby because I want 2 for sure, and he was ok with me getting off birth control so I did about 3 weeks ago. We had plans to purchase a house in March, and now he says he doesnt see us having another baby or buying a house when he was ok with it, and I asked him before I got off birth control are you sure its ok? I don't want to go off it if your not ready and when it happens I don't want him to make me feel bad about it, and he kept saying "Babe I told you its ok". I feel like I cant plan for my future because of him always threatening to leave me, its like he knows that hurts me soooo bad. He said he knows he's a ****ty husband, and would be better off alone. I don't know what to do I feel my husband is being soooooo selfish because if he doesnt get what he wants then he throws a fit (cars, bikes, trucks, toys, anything). I don't want my family broken I love him so much, and I just hate that he doesn't feel the need to keep our family together. I don't know if he is really going to leave or not. I hate how insecure he makes me feel when he tells me that everytime we get into an argument. Please help with any advice you can give me I will try anything. I'm so sorry for this being so long, but I spent all day today crying, and I have a bad migraine, and I have felt neasous all day from crying, and the headache with not eating. (Sorry for all of the spelling errors its late, and my eyes are watery)


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Two thoughts. You may want to write this in paragraphs. Its very hard to read a large block of run on sentences. Second, you may want to repost in another area. This is an area for reconciliations.

This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

This is me said:


> Two thoughts. You may want to write this in paragraphs. Its very hard to read a large block of run on sentences. Second, you may want to repost in another area. This is an area for reconciliations.
> 
> This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully


:iagree:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I suggest coping with infidelity.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Hi Bigheart, 

I am so sorry things are not going well for you. I feel your pain... I agree you should get this moved to the infidelity area or repost there so you can get some additional feedback... =) 

None the less, I am glad you posted and are getting some things off your chest. 

How is the counseling going? Do you feel it is helping the two of you? Is your husband dedicated to making this work with you? You mention he threatens to leave you, tells you he is unhappy, also sounds like he feels he was pushed into the marriage and is resentful towards you... 

I understand where you are coming from when you say you don't want a broken family. I to come from a broken family background and this is also VERY important to me to give my children the family I always wanted....

However, It seems to me that you are tolerating a bunch of crap from him just to hold on to the idea or hopes of a great family life.. I hate to use the term doormat but that's all I can think of at the moment. 

your husband is NOT faithful to you. After reading your post, the issue with Brittany and the other girl, his phone behaviors, lying to you etc... I doubt he will ever be 100 percent faithful to you. I also feel as if there are NO and have been NO consequences for his cheating so he will just keep doing it. My hope is that you will stand up for yourself in this area. Its just going to continue if you don't. 

It sounds to me as if you are more attached to him than he is to you. You say you love him soooo much... Would he say this same thing about you? If the answer is no, then I think you should be with someone who is able to say that about you. I think you deserve to be with someone who will respect you, be faithful to you, someone who wont blame you for all the problems.. 

My counselor recommended a book to me... Its called " Why Men Love Bit*hes " I was also a doormat at one time, tolerating the BS for the HOPE of a good marriage and family life... This book was great. It feels good to take more control over me and my situation... 

I hope you'll read it... I also hope things get better for you dear, really you deserve it... My best wishes to you!


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