# H insensitive to trigger, WHY?



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Last night my H was talking to me about how he was giving advice to a mutual friend who has a 5wk old baby that has wind problems...
His advice was good, but it brought back memories from when our twins were born and at that age (he had been having an EA since Jan 2011- Aug 2011, I found this out by going through his phone in July 2011) 
So last night I was feeling a little sad cause he wasn't being the best dad at the time, cause he was SO caught up with her and really didn't show much interest in our new babies, me or our family in general, you know, just completely withdrawn...

He noticed that I was upset (my throat clamped and I was about to break out the tears) he said "What, don't tell me your having ANOTHER episode are you?" I replied " Well, it is bringing back memories... I can't remember you being involved that much when our babies were born"

He got really mad, stormed inside, one of our older girls asked whats wrong? Then my H says "Oh, your mother is just having one of her 'flash backs' again, I don't give a **** anymore..."

I was so cut by him acting this way and by how he handled my trigger, and, it's not like I have them all the time, it's about maybe once a month or once every couple of months. In fact the last time we talked about what happened was in Jan 25 2013...

I don't know what to make of this, I'm thinking he had been putting on a act the whole time to get me back or maybe he is ready to have another affair????

Please give me some advice...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I think your gut reaction to this is right. My bet: Either he is putting on an act - trying to be just remorseful "enough" to keep you around - and/or he is still in an EA/PA. 

Are you sure it was an EA? Eight months and no physical relations? How can you be sure? 

I am so sorry still.hurting. For sure, your husband is an A$$hole. I can't believe he would say such things in front of your children. Despicable. 

Did you have a previous thread? We need more details and the backstory to make sense of this and give you advice. I don't at all like the sound of this guy you cal your husband.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Getting defensive about a trigger is a red flag. It says that he is not truly remorseful for the pain he caused you. Obviously you are still in pain. Perhaps he's defensive because he doesn't want to be reminded about his failure. But the truth is, his failure caused you (and still causes you) immense pain. The other possibility is that he feels guilty about something. Keep your eyes open and start paying attention to signs.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

... because he's an a$$, and not remorseful.

I agree, likely up to old tricks.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> I think your gut reaction to this is right. My bet: Either he is putting on an act - trying to be just remorseful "enough" to keep you around - and/or he is still in an EA/PA.
> 
> Are you sure it was an EA? Eight months and no physical relations? How can you be sure?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice, yes I do have several other threads, but I would not know how to link it to this one???

As for him only having an EA in 2011, yes I'm sure it was only an EA as she lives way too far away and he was never gone fir that long, although they had quite visual phone sex, very regulary...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> Getting defensive about a trigger is a red flag. It says that he is not truly remorseful for the pain he caused you. Obviously you are still in pain. Perhaps he's defensive because he doesn't want to be reminded about his failure. But the truth is, his failure caused you (and still causes you) immense pain. The other possibility is that he feels guilty about something. Keep your eyes open and start paying attention to signs.


My eyes are very open! I'm watching for all signs...

I'm going to have a HUGE talk with him tonight as today it's our girls 1st Holly Communion and it's just bad timing...
But, he's acting like everything is ok, though I slept on the lounge last night n haven't shown much affection towards him since last night. He has been overly nice and helpful today...? Weird!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Can I please attempt to fix what your husband said?



> He got really mad, stormed inside, one of our older girls asked whats wrong? Then my H says "Oh, your mother is just having one of her 'flash backs' again, *I never really gave a **** in the first place.*"


Your husband is disrespectful of you and your children. 

He has called the tune. Time you all stopped dancing to his crappy music and made him pay the piper.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Can I please attempt to fix what your husband said?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What do you suggest I do? Cause I'm feeling very very lost right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> What do you suggest I do? Cause I'm feeling very very lost right now...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi still.hurting

For peace of mind that nothing is going on _now_.....do you have complete access to e-mails, phone and Fb accounts? Is H being transparent.

Do you consider he could be up to his old games again, or is your gut feeling that he's simply losing patience? ...or could it be he is simply disgusted and ashamed with himself and now and again its being wrongly mis-directed at you?

I found out in Sept 2011 that my H cheated back in Dec 2008, (ONS) he denied anything else ever happening, ever!....a complete year later Sep 2012 I booked a polygraph and the week before he admitted 2 further ONS, 2005 and 2011, each time with colleagues, drunken opportunities!

So, its only been 6 months since DD2, which he swears I now know everything, I am triggering all the time, most of the time he holds me close and reassures me, and he is being very transparent and doing everything he can to make amends. He gets very upset too when we talk about what he has done, and how he has made me feel.

However, there are times I can sense he loses patience with me, and he becomes exasperated that I wont accept what he tells me.....this is natural on both sides.....on these rare occasions he comes across impatient I pull him up, reminding him this is all his fault......and he admits he isn't annoyed with me for bringing stuff up, or triggering, but he is so annoyed and disgusted with himself and he cannot bear what he has done to me. 

A WS can change when they see what their actions have done to their spouse, and those who are generally decent, good people feel very ashamed of what they have done, and they are rightly so going to feel terrible......my H gets upset and will say 'I can not believe what I have done to you'....he gets annoyed with himself, just very rarely it can come across as he's annoyed with me! Its his guilt!

You know your H.....I doubt he's up to anything further, but verify if you can.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What I suggest you do---is to get in his face

He cheated not you---and he must DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING FOREVER---if that is what it takes---and you need to get chin to chin with him, and tell him so

Everytime you trigger---he is TO HELP YOU THRU YOUR PAIN---not go off and have a temper tantrum, that a 9 yr old might have, cuz he is being punished

Tell your H, is da*n lucky he ain't paying alimony and child support right now, and that he has a family that he is ALLOWED to be part of---and yes I say ALLOWED, cuz he gave himself to another woman---and that is not what a proper married man, and good father would do-------when you get in his face and talk to him---you do it with ICY CALM---you tell him if he doesn't like you triggering he can always leave and file for D

You have to take charge of the situation and he either RESPECTS you----or he can leave.------You gotta remember he cheated, he broke his vows not you----and he is lucky as he*l you are ALLOWING him to stay in this mge.----THAT HAS TO BE YOUR ATTITUDE ABOUT HOW HE AND HIS TANTRUMS ARE HANDLED!!!!!!!---For what you are really dealing with in essence is a Bully.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Just so you know, that crap he pulled with the kids is unacceptable. You realize, he is undermining your authority as a parent? Yes, discounting your trigger is bad, but including the children in your problems is ridiculous.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

jnj express said:


> What I suggest you do---is to get in his face
> 
> He cheated not you---and he must DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING FOREVER---if that is what it takes---and you need to get chin to chin with him, and tell him so
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100% I think you may just be too nice! You don't have to tolerate anything you don't like, at this stage of the game H should be doing everything to make you feel better, and most definitely secure. Like JNJ says, if he doesn't like tell him his choices!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a divorce attorney to at least check out your options. Also counselling for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> Hi still.hurting
> 
> For peace of mind that nothing is going on _now_.....do you have complete access to e-mails, phone and Fb accounts? Is H being transparent.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply, I think you were pretty much spot on to how he was feeling, I know this after I had a talk with him last night...

I spoke to him about how I can't help when or where a 'trigger' happens, and how his reaction to my trigger made me feel even more hurt and thinking that he just didn't care... He apologized and said he had been feeling horrible for how he handled the situation and said he was under the weather and he wasn't thinking straight... He said, although he knows what he needs to do ie; hug me and say he's sorry and just comfort me, but he feels like his 1st instinct is to defend himself and leave me alone till I'm over my trigger. He also said he feels if he were to come and hug me when I'm this way, it feels very awkward and feels like I hate him at that time and can't understand why why I would want him to hug me at that time when I have ill feelings towards him... I told him I get that he doesn't want to feel rejected, but tough, he caused these emotions that I have to deal with and if he wants to continue our marriage that he has to change the way he handles my feelings and NEVER speak to our kids about whats happening... He apologized for doing that aswell, and said he immediately said to our eldest (after he said 'your mother is going through another one of her episodes...") then he said back to her "Look, never mind, I shouldn't be having this conversation with you anyway"

He has been trying very hard to make up for what he did. He asked if we could have set days n times a week to have talks about our relationship and things that are bothering us and things we are happy with? And also requested if I were to have a 'trigger' while he is under the influence of alcohol, could I save that conversation till the next day or when it's more appropriate?

Everytime we have a fight, I have always said "Well maybe we should break up/ or get a divorce, etc..." he said he has been feeling very rejected lately and has been feeling "what's the point..." if my 1st reaction is to just 'give up on us'. He explained that he wants us to work, whatever it takes... He understands that it was all him for making disgusting choices and he has to live with this guilt everyday and sometimes it just feels too much when he sees how upset and hurt I am. 

Bottom line, we're both trying... I do believe he is remorseful and wants us to work, I do believe he loves me, and I do love him...
And, TBH, I really can't imagine him straying again, I think he knows he will loose everything and everyones respect for him forever...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

That is definitely a problem... for the way he treated you and how he brought the kids in on the theater of it all.

I wouldn't say why he did it: He could still be involved with his other woman. He could be involved with a new one. Maybe he's just thinking about it. Maybe he's just a selfish and insensitive a-hole who wishes you would "get over" what he did already. Maybe he's insecure in his failure to be faithful and gets sensitive when you talk about it. Maybe he had a bad week, or maybe it's a mix of the above, which triggered an outburst due to lack of control and emotional awareness.

Who knows. But there is definitely something in that equation that needs to be fixed.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Thanks for your reply, I think you were pretty much spot on to how he was feeling, I know this after I had a talk with him last night...
> 
> I spoke to him about how I can't help when or where a 'trigger' happens, and how his reaction to my trigger made me feel even more hurt and thinking that he just didn't care... He apologized and said he had been feeling horrible for how he handled the situation and said he was under the weather and he wasn't thinking straight... He said, although he knows what he needs to do ie; hug me and say he's sorry and just comfort me, but he feels like his 1st instinct is to defend himself and leave me alone till I'm over my trigger. He also said he feels if he were to come and hug me when I'm this way, it feels very awkward and feels like I hate him at that time and can't understand why why I would want him to hug me at that time when I have ill feelings towards him... I told him I get that he doesn't want to feel rejected, but tough, he caused these emotions that I have to deal with and if he wants to continue our marriage that he has to change the way he handles my feelings and NEVER speak to our kids about whats happening... He apologized for doing that aswell, and said he immediately said to our eldest (after he said 'your mother is going through another one of her episodes...") then he said back to her "Look, never mind, I shouldn't be having this conversation with you anyway"
> 
> ...


I can understand all of the above.....his guilt etc.....but what he needs to do is use that guilt to want to make you feel safe and secure.....you can't help when you trigger......

I triggered last night watching TV and hearing a song!! I just had to walk out of the room as the kids were there.....collect myself and go back in and my H realised immediately what was happening.....if he wasn't aware of my triggers and i didn't get a knowing hug from him then the trigger would have turned into something more. 

Its very positive your H has said to set time aside to talk...however, like i said, you can't help when you trigger, and if you need to talk when he's been drinking what do you do? stew on it? He just needs to work on his re-actions....you can help by staying firm in what you require from him....be firm and focused!




_On this site we have to realise and remember every one is different. Because someone's spouse isn't conforming to 'a certain plan' or acting 'a certain way' doesn't mean they are being unfaithful again.

Most cheaters do love their spouse and make very wrong decision/s BUT once caught *most* wake up quick, realise what they almost lost and know what not to do ever again.
_


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Thanks for your reply, I think you were pretty much spot on to how he was feeling, I know this after I had a talk with him last night...
> 
> I spoke to him about how I can't help when or where a 'trigger' happens, and how his reaction to my trigger made me feel even more hurt and thinking that he just didn't care...* He apologized and said he had been feeling horrible for how he handled the situation and said he was under the weather and he wasn't thinking straight... He said, although he knows what he needs to do ie; hug me and say he's sorry and just comfort me, but he feels like his 1st instinct is to defend himself and leave me alone till I'm over my trigger. He also said he feels if he were to come and hug me when I'm this way, it feels very awkward and feels like I hate him at that time and can't understand why why I would want him to hug me at that time when I have ill feelings towards him...* I told him I get that he doesn't want to feel rejected, but tough, he caused these emotions that I have to deal with and if he wants to continue our marriage that he has to change the way he handles my feelings and NEVER speak to our kids about whats happening... He apologized for doing that aswell, and said he immediately said to our eldest (after he said 'your mother is going through another one of her episodes...") then he said back to her "Look, never mind, I shouldn't be having this conversation with you anyway"
> 
> ...


As a FWS working hard to R with my BS I can see both sides of this. Some of the things he said to you as part of his apology i have heard myself think and say to justify similar behaviour. (particularly the bit i highlighted). However it is unacceptable to behave as he did and he will need to try and work hard to fight those deep rooted impulses to defend himself first and foremost. If he doesn't visit TAM himself then he should, it is a real eye opener for WSs and provides a real insight into the pain that we have caused and how we need to respond.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Thanks for your reply, I think you were pretty much spot on to how he was feeling, I know this after I had a talk with him last night...
> 
> I spoke to him about how I can't help when or where a 'trigger' happens, and how his reaction to my trigger made me feel even more hurt and thinking that he just didn't care... He apologized and said he had been feeling horrible for how he handled the situation and said he was under the weather and he wasn't thinking straight... *He said, although he knows what he needs to do ie; hug me and say he's sorry and just comfort me, but he feels like his 1st instinct is to defend himself and leave me alone till I'm over my trigger. He also said he feels if he were to come and hug me when I'm this way, it feels very awkward and feels like I hate him at that time and can't understand why why I would want him to hug me at that time when I have ill feelings towards him*... I told him I get that he doesn't want to feel rejected, but tough, he caused these emotions that I have to deal with and if he wants to continue our marriage that he has to change the way he handles my feelings and NEVER speak to our kids about whats happening... He apologized for doing that aswell, and said he immediately said to our eldest (after he said 'your mother is going through another one of her episodes...") then he said back to her "Look, never mind, I shouldn't be having this conversation with you anyway"
> 
> ...


This sounds exactly like how my H handles things. Usually he is perfect when I trigger, but sometimes he does this, what I bolded above. I have no advice, I am so new to this, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Good luck.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> I can understand all of the above.....his guilt etc.....but what he needs to do is use that guilt to want to make you feel safe and secure.....you can't help when you trigger......
> 
> I triggered last night watching TV and hearing a song!! I just had to walk out of the room as the kids were there.....collect myself and go back in and my H realised immediately what was happening.....if he wasn't aware of my triggers and i didn't get a knowing hug from him then the trigger would have turned into something more.
> 
> ...



WOW... Excellent response... Thank you so much for taking time to give me this advice, very appreciated ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I would love to hear his side on this...

I suspect your husband is truly sorry for what he has put you through and at some point has put it away in his mind as fixed.

Then when you trigger and he is presented with it all over again, he has to be flustrated. At that point, it would be natural to become defensive and say things that he would regret later.

One question: Do you always make it his problem when you trigger?


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi Still
I'm sorry you are struggling. My H acted in a similar manner a while back and it was because it hurt him to watch me suffer. Having said that, he was the one who caused the situation we find ourselves in and he has to deal with the consequences. I am about 14 months in R and I still trigger although I am usually able to hold it together at the time, but believe me once I trigger, sooner or later I gotta get it out! I put my feelings in a "box" to deal with later at an appropriate time with H. Usually I let him know I'm having "feelings" but that we don't have to talk about it right then. By the time he and I discuss it, it's civil and constructive. Many times I'll just say "martha is visiting again"...meaning thoughts of OW. He ususally responds..."that damn martha..tell her to go away".
Second, the situation you explained I can imagine is a huge trigger!! Its hard to anticipate what is going to trigger anyone, but mine can be quite unexpected and seemingly trite. Some of mine? The entire city of Las Vegas, one professional football team, wine (and I love wine), blooming flowers, Yosemite, skiing, Easter, the entire profession of physical therapy, the 4th of July ( I see you aren't from the USA), a particular Pandora bead. the saying "happy friday", the gym we belong to (yep we still belong), and sunglasses. H may be frustrated because he doesn't see it coming and the trigger seems petty and random to him. Perhaps you can talk about the triggers you have so far and he can understand them a little better.
Good luck!! Doesn't this all just stink?


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