# No good deed goes unpunished



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Spent the whole day yesterday doing housework, went out of my way to do a bit of extra stuff my wife should have done. Instead of being grateful, she nitpicked one thing I did wrong, that took her less than 2 minutes to "fix". 

Forget that I spent 15 hours doing everything, most of it so she didn't have to (she wouldn't anyways), as I do all the housework all the time, otherwise it doesn't get done.

We both work FT, but she's lazy and unmotivated and just plays on facebook when she's home.

Yet, she's so pissed about that 2 minutes, she's not talking to me now.

So what's your stories?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Go on strike
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

then the place would turn into a dump!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Cut off the Internet.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

my husband has no stories like this bc that kind of crap isn't tolerated in our home from either person. 
Caring for the home is a team effort and sounds like it should be a team effort in your case too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Also, silent treatment has no place in a marriage. She needs to grow up and learn how to communicate about what's really bothering her instead of shutting down like a teenager.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Same deal Kaboom. So I do a bunch of stuff, and she’ll find either something I didn’t do ‘while you were at it’ or something that wasn’t quite right. Total demotivating factor there, because unlike the Army, I don’t ‘have to’ do jack squat; I’m trying to help and she’d better see the difference instead of nag.

I also find this goes hand in hand with the “one up” card. I can spend all day running the kids around, do the shopping, cook and clean the kitchen... but she’ll be “you got to play with the kids all day and go do stuff while I cleaned the family room and folded laundry” (or some other ‘look at how much I did while you goofed off’ thing). 

I found the ‘best method’ to break this is a short nasty confrontation that makes it clear I don’t have to do this and next time she fails to appreciate the help she can just do it herself so she really has something to complain about. Also on the flip side, learn to notice what they are doing and tell them you appreciate it. Basically ‘lead’ them on the right way to thank someone for all they do. Carrot/stick.

Don't go on strike; That's passive/aggressive and doesn't help. If you have to, basically decide what you are and aren't going to do based on your own thoughts of what needs to be done. If she asks you to do something, reinforce that's 'her thing' she wants done and is asking for your help (which is fine to refuse); you want to do what you think needs to be done and here is how she could help if she wants.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You said earlier that she was on meds for BPD?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Thound said:


> Go on strike
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As funny as this sounds, I wouldn't do it, because she may very well "counterstrike". And you know where a W/GF will go on strike!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tell her to get off the dang-blasted Facebook and start pulling her weight with household duties. Completely agree with Racer, don't be passive aggressive. Tell her directly what you BOTH need to do to keep the household running. 

Make an old-fashioned chore chart if that would help her see exactly what needs to be done.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> Spent the whole day yesterday doing housework, went out of my way to do a bit of extra stuff my wife should have done. Instead of being grateful, she nitpicked one thing I did wrong, that took her less than 2 minutes to "fix".
> 
> Forget that I spent 15 hours doing everything, most of it so she didn't have to (she wouldn't anyways), as I do all the housework all the time, otherwise it doesn't get done.
> 
> ...


And what did you do about this? Seriously?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> then the place would turn into a dump!


And?

You should've said to her exactly what you said above and tell her, then the house work is yours now.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> Spent the whole day yesterday doing housework, went out of my way to do a bit of extra stuff my wife should have done. Instead of being grateful, she nitpicked one thing I did wrong, that took her less than 2 minutes to "fix".
> 
> Forget that I spent 15 hours doing everything, most of it so she didn't have to (she wouldn't anyways), as I do all the housework all the time, otherwise it doesn't get done.
> 
> ...


Well, I do all the housework here, and i can see its so bloody tiring. My husband works full time so i know its my job to do it, as my husband is tired.

I think your wife is very ungrateful if i am honest.

The reason i say this is, when my husband does do something whether its hoovering/ washing/ washing up i am greatful he does do it, and i tell him i am.

The thing is, If you did go on strike, would your wife do anything, or would your home turn into a bombsite??

Its okay people saying go on strike, but i could not live in mess, so its easier for me just to do it. Your wife needs to know shes being lazy, and how can she criticize you when she does nothing hardly herself??.

If your both working then she has to blooming help too.... Maybe its your turn to nitpick???.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You should have told her after the remark that no one is asking you to be grateful but can you at least appreciate the effort, and then maybe a good sit down with her and let her know that she better start finding some manners and start pitching in PDQ or there will be some serious actions taken that she just might not like and leave it at that.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> I do all the housework all the time, otherwise it doesn't get done.
> 
> We both work FT, but she's lazy and unmotivated and just plays on facebook when she's home.


At some point you have to ask yourself, "What am I getting from this relationship?"


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

C3156 said:


> At some point you have to ask yourself, "What am I getting from this relationship?"


I agree with this. Here is what you posted in a thread last summer, when things between you were very bad:



Kaboom said:


> My wife is just the most horrible person I've ever met and I truly hate her. I hate myself for what I've become in dealing with her for 15 years now. My family is utterly destroyed, as is hers. I have few friends, and even the ones I have don't want me bringing her around, ever. And I don't. I can't. She's toxic.
> 
> When we got married, I made a vow to stay by her side in sickness.. and I have. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and I know every brick. She's been on meds, seen counselors, and it appears she cannot be fixed, or even improved.
> 
> God, I hate her. So much. I've been loathing this for a long time, but tomorrow I guess I will be contacting a lawyer and starting the process. I truly wish I never met her.


Heavy.

You subsequently (in later posts) went on to say she changed her meds and things improved some - but the amount of resentment in your later posts is just titanic, and it has to be chewing you up. I understand you made a vow to stay with her. But at what cost to yourself?

Either she will do the work to fix her issues or she won't. All you can do is work on yourself. If you can't overcome your anger towards past treatment, or if her effort is too little/too late, then you have two choices: 

(1) cope
(2) walk

If you chose (1) and are just venting here, that's fine. If you are looking for solutions, based on your post history, (2) may be the only card left to play.

Wishing you luck, old son.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I totally understand the OP. My wife is classic for saying she wants something done, but then criticizing the way it is done and even if it is 99% done correct, she will focus and nag about the 1%. Extremely demotivating factors for sure. There are many things I have stopped doing because of that factor. But, she still won't learn. Anything I do, she criticizes unless it is 100% perfect by her standards. However, if she were to do the same thing, it would not be 100% perfect by her standards, but that is OK.

I am seriously wondering what I am getting from this relationship. The only thing I can really see is being with my kids every day. That is the most important thing for me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The original post in this thread is a textbook example of a covert contract.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

You sound like a good guy. My heart kinda hurts for all the really decent guys I see posting here, who in one way or another are tolerating abusive behavior, and yes, I do consider this type of treatment as somewhat abusive. Its disrespectful and shows a real disregard. I didn't realize there are so women out there making their guys into doormats, and so many husbands who tolerate this. Painful to watch. I have old fashioned values, and very much believe in honoring your marital vows, for better and for worse - but there has to be respect within a marriage, and proper regard for your partner, and this behavior, among a bunch of other things i read here about what wives are subjecting their husbands to, shows neither. I just really hate to see any good decent person being treated like a doormat by the partner in life who is supposed to "cherish" them. Life is short, and everyone deserves to be respected, loved and treated with proper regard by their spouse. That's part of the marital vows, commitment, and "contract" - "to love, honor, and cherish". Treating your spouse like a doormat flies in the face of that. Everyone deserves better than that..


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Wow, so many responses.. I will start here and make a separate post for each...




richie33 said:


> Cut off the Internet.


Can't. I need it for work. I do a good amount of work from home (on top of the 40 at the office).


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

F-102 said:


> You said earlier that she was on meds for BPD?


Yes. I try to separate the BPD traits from the "high school" traits as much as possible. Getting ahead of the other response about her meds, the BPD traits are minimized for the most part these days, so now I get to enjoy her in the capacity as the product of bad parenting and poor people skills.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> And what did you do about this? Seriously?


Nothing yet, haven't seen her since the initial 'remark', went to work after that.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

C3156 said:


> At some point you have to ask yourself, "What am I getting from this relationship?"


I know what I'm getting: The bare minimum help raising our child, which I cannot do without losing my job. Now because of some financial commitments, I'm even more tied down that I couldn't afford to keep a roof over any of our heads without her bare-minimum wages.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Convection said:


> I agree with this. Here is what you posted in a thread last summer, when things between you were very bad:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Short answer: Yes, I was more or less venting and looking to read everyone else's stories of how similar things happen in their life.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

justfabulous said:


> You sound like a good guy. My heart kinda hurts for all the really decent guys I see posting here, who in one way or another are tolerating abusive behavior, and yes, I do consider this type of treatment as somewhat abusive. Its disrespectful and shows a real disregard. I didn't realize there are so women out there making their guys into doormats, and so many husbands who tolerate this. Painful to watch. I have old fashioned values, and very much believe in honoring your marital vows, for better and for worse - but there has to be respect within a marriage, and proper regard for your partner, and this behavior, among a bunch of other things i read here about what wives are subjecting their husbands to, shows neither. I just really hate to see any good decent person being treated like a doormat by the partner in life who is supposed to "cherish" them. Life is short, and everyone deserves to be respected, loved and treated with proper regard by their spouse. That's part of the marital vows, commitment, and "contract" - "to love, honor, and cherish". Treating your spouse like a doormat flies in the face of that. Everyone deserves better than that..


I am the classic nice guy in many regards. I read the book 'no more mr nice guy' and tried to change, and thought I did for a while, but much of the changes involved apparently go against my grain. I know I have to be mean and demanding at times, and that's just not who I am. I tried to find some sort of balance, but realized it can only work with a partner who is level -headed and not willing to take advantage of it. That person doesn't seem to exist, but I know for sure that person is NOT my wife. 

She's chilled a lot, so I shouldn't be *****ing, but I hate when she shows what I would call "typical *****" traits that you would see in any mean girls, not just BPD'ers.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> Spent the whole day yesterday doing housework, went out of my way to do a bit of extra stuff my wife should have done. Instead of being grateful, she nitpicked one thing I did wrong, that took her less than 2 minutes to "fix".
> 
> Forget that I spent 15 hours doing everything, most of it so she didn't have to (she wouldn't anyways), as I do all the housework all the time, otherwise it doesn't get done.
> 
> ...


Been there, got the T-shirt. I wasn't aware that there is actually a _correct_ way to load a dishwasher. Of course my inability to correctly load the dishwasher was a function of my mother's incompetent child rearing. Mom did everything for us kids and never made us do any chores. At least in the opinion of my stbxw who did not witness my growing up, as I met her at age 25.

And that appreciation thing? What, do I expect her to give me a medal? Why would she express appreciation for help with the house, as she does it all the time. Of course, I'm working full time, so helping with the house is in addition to that. 

Bitter? Table for one.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I totally understand the OP. My wife is classic for saying she wants something done, but then criticizing the way it is done and even if it is 99% done correct, she will focus and nag about the 1%. Extremely demotivating factors for sure. There are many things I have stopped doing because of that factor. But, she still won't learn. Anything I do, she criticizes unless it is 100% perfect by her standards. However, if she were to do the same thing, it would not be 100% perfect by her standards, but that is OK.
> 
> I am seriously wondering what I am getting from this relationship. The only thing I can really see is being with my kids every day. That is the most important thing for me.


This is why i prefer to do things myself. I know the way i like things done so if i do them then i cant criticize...

My husband will occasionally hoover and then leave the hoover out, I know why he does this its because he knows what i am like, if its not done the way i like it then i do it again, as my husbands hoovering is not like mine.

My opinion is, If you do not like things the way someone else does it then do it yourself.... Whats the point in wanting things done then moan because its not up to your standards.... crazy.

I am sorry you feel this way about your relationship tho.


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## Dannie1348 (Nov 17, 2011)

Be the last time I do anything around the house ! In our home we work together .


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I have no help for ya on that.

Part of my wife's "resentment" towards me stems from the fact that I don't do dishes and rarely do the laundry or cooking.

I do the shovelling (we live in Canada), all the yardwork, maintain the cars, do all the ironing and the groceries. I have never once mentioned any resentment towards her for doing what I consider is a normal part of being a man.

So ya, no help to you. Sorry.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

melw74 said:


> My husband will occasionally hoover and then leave the hoover out, I know why he does this its because he knows what i am like, if its not done the way i like it then i do it again, as my husbands hoovering is not like mine.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I totally understand the OP. My wife is classic for saying she wants something done, but then criticizing the way it is done and even if it is 99% done correct, she will focus and nag about the 1%. Extremely demotivating factors for sure. There are many things I have stopped doing because of that factor. But, she still won't learn. Anything I do, she criticizes unless it is 100% perfect by her standards. However, if she were to do the same thing, it would not be 100% perfect by her standards, but that is OK.
> 
> I am seriously wondering what I am getting from this relationship. The only thing I can really see is being with my kids every day. That is the most important thing for me.


This pretty much nails it, although mine isn't that critical, it just feels that way. It's not so much the housework for me, but let's say I go to the store to pick up 100+ items, have my list, etc.. And I miss just one item that she wanted. It's ON. She will make it into WW3, and regardless that I offer to run back out to get it. This is what I mean, I do the groceries so she doesn't have to, but then when something gets missed, there is no fixing it.. she uses it as a launching pad to make me suffer.

At that point, we're talking more about her BPD issues too, so maybe I just chalk this up as my way of venting and let it go :/


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

I’m curious when someone like the OP finally decides to pull plug on a ridiculous marriage like the one he describes, what becomes of the offending partner. Do they continue their awful ways with the next sap that hooks up with them or do they or does the jolt of reality finally get them to see the light and do the things needed to be a decent human being and make a partnership/marriage work?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> I’m curious when someone like the OP finally decides to pull plug on a ridiculous marriage like the one he describes, what becomes of the offending partner. Do they continue their awful ways with the next sap that hooks up with them or do they or does the jolt of reality finally get them to see the light and do the things needed to be a decent human being and make a partnership/marriage work?


lol... I've met a few. They do the same thing again. The usual is the dating / honeymoon period they are still high on dopamine and puppy love so their spouse can do no wrong. That gets 3-5 years. Then the nagging and the pet peeves start kicking in again. Just like their prior marriage. I will note though usually these are second marriage where there are older kids who aren't there half the time, so it stays cleaner. 

The issue really keeps coming back to their expectations they have of a boyfriend/lover are totally different than husband. When a boyfriend cooks a nice meal, it's a thoughtful gesture. When the husband does it, it's just dinner and 'his turn'.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Even if the H is a neat freak to the point of OCD and does most of the housework, ask these men's wives how much they do, and they will all say "never enough".

When a man does housework, he's doing "what he'd better be doing".

When a woman does housework, she's over burdened, underappreciated and married to a Neanderthal.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Can't. I need it for work. I do a good amount of work from home (on top of the 40 at the office).


But you can set it up with passwords and make it a secure system where only you have access to the computers and network.

Takes like ten minutes to do it.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> Spent the whole day yesterday doing housework, went out of my way to do a bit of extra stuff my wife should have done. Instead of being grateful, she nitpicked one thing I did wrong, that took her less than 2 minutes to "fix".


My father gave me the tip of always making a 'deliberate mistake' when doing housework, so wife would have something to pick up on. If you get it 100%, they feel undermined - it's hardwired into the female psyche, whatever women's lib or political correctness would have us believe.



Kaboom said:


> Yet, she's so pissed about that 2 minutes, she's not talking to me now.


I've read the whole thread, I appreciate that your problems go much deeper than can be solved with the nugget above.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gentlemen, start your engines! You need to call your wives on their sh*t each and every time. Do it calmly, nicely and firmly. Every frickin' time. Then next week, leave that task off your chore list.

I'd trade laundry for ironing any day of the week & twice on Sunday. Are you kidding me?


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

married tech said:


> But you can set it up with passwords and make it a secure system where only you have access to the computers and network.
> 
> Takes like ten minutes to do it.


True enough, but I might as well leave the divorce papers on the keyboard.. you know it would start the war to end all wars...


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Gentlemen, start your engines! You need to call your wives on their sh*t each and every time. Do it calmly, nicely and firmly. Every frickin' time.


This is exactly the most important thing I've learned from marriage, and the mistake I will never make again with whoever comes next.

It's too late for me in this marriage though.. I did call her out on it in the beginning, but stopped at some point, and now combined with her BPD, is seemingly irreversible.

EDIT:
And I do remember why I stopped.. She made it a point to make it as painful as possible, so putting up with her crap became easier than calling her out. I think this is true of most womens approaches, BPD or not. I wish I had the foresight to have seen it sooner than I did (realized it about 2 years into marriage, and was already too deep in the muck to fix it).


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