# Can a b isexual man, and previous wife-swapping, be monogamous?



## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

So on top of everything else that has occurred in our (short) marriage, this latest revelation has rocked me more than anything else.

When we met I asked him about swapping (due to some mags in the bedroom), and he said that he'd never consider it, nor would it ever interest him at all. 

He insisted the nearest he got to non-monogamous sex, was a threesome with his ex & her friend, which he hated, and never repeated. He swore that he was faithful to his ex (still does insist this), and had fewer sexual partners than me, due to his long marriage.

Then last weekend I discover he was actively trying to solicit sex with men, whilst his wife was at work. These ads were placed over a span of years, and the most recent was about 10 yrs ago. When confronted he swore he never met any men, and that he was 'screwed' in the head.

I then discovered that him & his wife used to regularly wife-swap. He admitted that their marriage was not one of monogamy, that they regularly got drunk and had sex parties whilst their young son was in the house.

DH said he hates himself for that period. That he thinks his behaviour was abhorrent, that he hates gay & bi sexual people, and that he is not the same person as he was then.

He said that when we married he "vowed to only have vanilla sex from then on, and have a 'respectable' family".

I then found an ad of his on 'bi-cupid' from a year before we met.

My worries: He won't discuss this with me. He continually rejects sex with me, which hurts as he used to invite men round for a night of fun, yet won't even turn the TV off, with me in stockings & offering a lap-dance.

He gets very angry if I try to broach the subject... he sticks his fingers in his ears, and asks why I'm being nasty to him, even if I'm in floods of tears & telling him how hurt I am. It's as if he just wants me to STFU, and is prepared to become physical if I won't.

He went on holiday abroad, alone, twice. Once when I was 7.5months pregnant, then again when our baby was 4 months old. I saw a photo of his apartment & there were two coffee cups on the table - apparently as they were so small he needed two at a time.

I found about 25 photos of his genitals on the camera. He swears he took them to send me, when I was in hospital having our first child, but forgot to send them to me.

When our second child died, I went crazy, and brought up the subject of swapping (I was in grief)... that would have been the ideal opportunity to say he'd tried it in the past, and hated it, but no he lied to my face.

He says all the right things, but I can't shake how he lied to me about his supposed 'monogamous' past, and if he could lie about that so easily, surely he's capable all the time.

Would you really accept what he says?


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Sorry I can't delete my other threads as DH has blocked the words in the title (hence why I've phrased it differently here), and I can see, but can't click on the other threads.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You are finding things about from ten years ago and a year before you met but you haven't mentioned anything while you have been together. I think if you dug all this stuff up you would have more concrete evidence on him other than coffee cups and some self pecker shots. What is your gut saying? If its saying your married to a gay or bi man only you know what is the right thing for you to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

No I wouldn't accept what he says. Holidays alone? That is BS when you are married. The nude photos on the camera is your smoking gun. He sent them to somebody and that somebody wasn't you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sunshine, you need to move on. You entered into this marriage without all the facts. Basically, you've been defrauded. This guy is a very strange bird and his kid is even weirder. 

Good luck.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Can a bisexual man, and previous wife-swapping, be monogamous?

I am not a bisexual man for a couple of reasons:

1 - I have no interest in sex with men. 
2 - Society has has not conditioned me to feel that sex with women (that I like) is a perversion or wrong.

In other words, neither nature or nurture has forced me to seek sex with men.

Nurture has forced your homosexual husband to seek sex with women, including marrying you. He has sought sex with men before he met you and he vacationed alone at a resort known for homosexual men. The other coffee cup belonged to a man who your husband recently screwed. 

Can a bisexual man be monogomous? I don't even know if a man can really be bisexual. Can a homosexual man be monogomous? I'm sure he can, but i'm sure it's rare. Especially if he went into the marriage as a marriage of convenience and not of love. If that is the case, and i hope I'm wrong, and the love is not there to keep hm monogomous he won't be. Women say no to sex, not men. And from what I understand, that standard converts to homosexuality pretty closely. 

You are married to a man who can and probably does step outside of his marriage on occasion for sex. That's something you can't fix. 

Sunshine. It is SO easy for us in the comforts of our own warm houses with the kids sleeping and the fire gong to tell you to leave him. But you need to be happy. You need your kids to be happy.

Try this. The MrK kick to the gut strategy. Pack a bag. Pack your kids bags (or have them already over at grandmas). Tell him you need to talk to him about a few things. (Have a list ready for if he actually DOES let you talk). But he won't. He'll stick his fingers in his ears while yelling "LA LA LA LA...you can't talk to me about about legitimate fears you have about my sexuality, fidelity, lying...LA AL LA LA".

Tell him you are leaving the marriage. That if he wants to fix things he knows where to find you. That will either slap some sense into him and he talks or you force him to leave. Either one is good. But it has to start with the kick.

But what can he say that will bring you back? I used to be bi but now I'm 100 straight? That is a big lie. Can you live with that lie? He's not going to cop to it. 

You knew about the wife-swapping before you married him? I think not, but if you did, that's your bed. And if not, what can he say about THAT huge lie that will make it better?

He needs to BE ABLE TO admit that was a man's coffee cup and that it was owned by a man he just screwed. He won't.

My fire is nice and warm and my kitty just rubbed his head against my leg. I'm going to cook Sunday breakfast for my family. Life is relatively good for me. And it's SO EASY for me to say "leave him" to a stranger.

It's not my opinion though. And that's not why it's easy. It's easy because there is no alternative. Leave him. Then see if he is willing to do the lifting it will take to get you back. Get ready for when he wont. Or can't.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thank you all.

MrK you post was very insightful. Yes, it is harder being her, stuck in this situation. It's so obvious, even to me when I write it, but then 'life' gets in the way, and it's easy to be 'gaslighted'. 

He carries on telling me I am 'mad'. He hasn't really spoken to me since Valentine's Day, as he told me I had my "crazy mind on".

Yeah sure, I dressed up in very sexy gear, bought him champagne, caressed him, offering a lap dance, and he laughed at me. Yep, I felt great. I did lose it then. I couldn't get it out of my mind that he'd asked guys to come over for hours of 'sexy time', but laughed at his wife, and didn't take his eyes off of Eastenders. 

I think there are other signs now - signs I would never have been aware of before now, and perhaps thought were perfectly normal for 'straight' men.

He has always shaved 'down there', he got genital piercings around the same time as he became bi, he also got a couple of tribal tattoos. These, of course, are not necessarily indicative of a man liking men, but they do seem to be more prevalent in the LGBT world, and added to the fact that they all occurred with his 'curiousness' makes it all the more suspicious.

He also likes c**k rings, I've now discovered that they are *more* popular amongst gays (not that straight men can't like them too).

He pushed me for anal very early on, though to be fair, he has said that if I never wanted to again it would be fine.

When we met he was all over me - I thought sex could never be better. He pushed me to marry very early on, yes I was stupid, but I guess I was flattered. I was head over heels and thought he felt the same.

We married only 7 weeks after meeting. I did try to put it off for 6 months, but he was adamant that we married. Then he was unable to orgasm on honeymoon.

I did think that the photos of his genitals were to send to another woman, but I've also discovered that men who are secretly engaging with other men, do send such photos.

I was a single mum for 18 years before I met him. I gave up my house to move into his.

I feel so very stupid.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> MrK you post was very insightful. Yes, it is harder being her, stuck in this situation. It's so obvious, even to me when I write it, but then 'life' gets in the way, and it's easy to be 'gaslighted'.
> 
> ...


Don't feel stupid - you just allowed your heart to make decisions and rushed into it.

I rushed into mine in 6 months - different situation altogether but I did learn I needed to let a relationship really simmer a long time.

But you've learned something - a LOT, actually. The dishonesty, gaslighting, withholding sex - all good reasons to end this. Yes, you'll be starting over, but you'll be so much smarter.  Don't let it make you jaded.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Can a bisexual man, and previous wife-swapping, be monogamous? You asked.

Yes, is the simple answer!

People successfully give up Drugs, Booze, Gambling and Womanizing but only if there heart and soul is in it.

Can your husband do it? 
By the looks of it that would be a NO.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I hope you find the strength to move on.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

sunshine&rain said:


> Thank you all.
> He has always shaved 'down there', he got genital piercings around the same time as he became bi, he also got a couple of tribal tattoos. These, of course, are not necessarily indicative of a man liking men, but they do seem to be more prevalent in the LGBT world, and added to the fact that they all occurred with his 'curiousness' makes it all the more suspicious.
> 
> He also likes c**k rings, I've now discovered that they are *more* popular amongst gays (not that straight men can't like them too).
> ...


None of those things are specific indicators of being gay. Any casual walk around a (hetro-focused) adult store will tell you that. Some of these things may have practical considerations (shaving) or just be a sign that he is fairly sexually liberated.

If he IS bisexual, that just means he is attracted to men as well as women. It doesn't preclude him being monogamous, any more than a 'straight' guy would automatically cheat because he is attracted to females. 

The problem here is whether he wants to commit to the relationship - nothing really to do with his orientation or his past. That is something you will need to get to the bottom of and the signs are not good, given you have only been together a fairly short time. But address this as you would any issue of infidelity in a relationship, rather than making it about an issue that he himself may be confused about. 

Make it black and white. He is with you exclusively or he is not.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

sunshine&rain said:


> Sorry I can't delete my other threads as DH has blocked the words in the title (hence why I've phrased it differently here), and I can see, but can't click on the other threads.


:scratchhead:

Wat?


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Wat?


I did duplicate this thread, but the the wife-swapping was reduced to a single word beginning with swing***, and the bi-sexual was all one word - thankfully they've been deleted now.

I couldn't click on them myself, as DH has blocked our router from being able to access swing*** or bi-sexual (all in one word), as he was angry I found his ads, so has blocked me seeing them.

I'm blocked from quite a few things on the internet - it's like being a child.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> I did duplicate this thread, but the the wife-swapping was reduced to a single word beginning with swing***, and the bi-sexual was all one word - thankfully they've been deleted now.
> 
> I couldn't click on them myself, as DH has blocked our router from being able to access swing*** or bi-sexual (all in one word), as he was angry I found his ads, so has blocked me seeing them.
> 
> I'm blocked from quite a few things on the internet - it's like being a child.


Use Tor. Google it. OR. Get out now.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

I think I have the answers I was looking for.

Last night he tried to come onto me, when I was very tired, and I turned him down; tonight he wanted to go to bed 'early' but still had to watch TV & have coffee first.

So I lost it again. I tried my best to explain how I need more 'spontaneity' in a sex life, how waiting till bed, and in the dark.

I told him how rejected I feel when he turns me down, when I'm dressed in suspenders, stockings corset etc... and he - well he told me that I don't "need" to dress sexily. 

IN FACT he said he hates it when I wear sexy "sh*t", and dress like a tart. He doesn't want a "tart for a wife".

He then puts his fingers in his ears, tells me I'm insulting him, then videoed me crying and trying to get him to talk to me, saying that everyone will see what a mad woman I am.

He's just now come and asked if I've come out of my "mad mood" and am prepared to come to bed & "be nice". I again (calmly) tried to say that I would appreciate him listening to how I feel, then he said "that's it, it's always about how you feel, you don't care about anyone else, you're so selfish".

Maybe I am, cos right now I am very confused.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

To be honest, it sounds like you both just need to communicate a bit better.

You turned his advances down when you weren't 'feeling like it'
And the next day when he wasn't 'feeling like it', you start an argument saying how rejected you feel?

You may have a good point about spontaneity as this has affected my relationship in the past, but I don't think the best way of resolving that problem is ranting and raving at him.

The videoing thing seems a bit weird, but it could have just been lighthearted. Once, when my wife was shouting and swearing, I recorded her on my phone and immediately told her I had done it, just in case she wanted to hear how aggresive she could be. She instantly calmed down and I agreed to immediately delete the recording. It was just to prove a point - perhaps thats what he was doing?

I'm no counsellor, but it feels as though it would be a good idea for you both to have a heart to heart - when both calm! - to discuss what sort of things turn each other on/off and try and factor these things into your love life. If you just guess at what may turn him on (such as stockings and suspenders) you may actually be trying way too hard and that in itself could be a turn-off for him.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

How the heck do you communicate with someone who just puts their fingers in their ears? If I don't back down & apologise he gets violent.

I've just been to see him & again told him I love him, that I have needs etc, and he just put his fingers in his ears & kicked me off the bed.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

sunshine&rain said:


> How the heck do you communicate with someone who just puts their fingers in their ears? If I don't back down & apologise he gets violent.
> 
> I've just been to see him & again told him I love him, that I have needs etc, and he just put his fingers in his ears & kicked me off the bed.


So back down and drop the subject, and then pick a time when you are both calm and in a good mood and have a chat about how much you would like to do things that turn him on, and it would be nice to know what things they are and equally what things turn him off. 

If you are saying that even when in a good mood, he will put his fingers in his ears and gets violent then you have a whole different set of issues that are NOTHING to do with sex.

I certainly interpreted from your previous post that when he preferred to watch some TV before bed you started an argument with him for 'rejecting' you, despite you rejecting him the previous night when he was trying to get frisky. 

It has to come down to communication, and if either of you cannot communicate then you probably need counselling


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

If you've read the OP you'll know that this isn't just about him rejecting me.

So it's OK for him to kick me off the bed when trying to talk to him (hurting my back), or to have a bruise on my leg when I upset him for wearing lingerie the other night.

You're making far too big a deal of me turning him down... this is ONCE. He turned me down for 9 months last year. We only have sex once a month at most now, at MY initiation. I was already asleep when he tried it last night - I'm sorry if I don't appreciate the odd crumbs he chooses to throw me, when in the midst of a famine, but I don't.

When we do have sex he can never come anyway.

As for the lingerie - well I think most men appreciate a wife who works out to look good for them, dresses up for them etc. But he doesn't, he actually said he doesn't want a "tart for a wife" and that I looked like a "tart" when dressed in lingerie.

Yet whilst he doesn't think I should dress like a tart, it's fine for him to join Adultwork (a site you register with to find prostitutes) so he could look at a 19yr old prostitutes naked pics - because he is a "red-blooded man". How the heck can that make sense in any world?


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

sunshine&rain said:


> If you've read the OP you'll know that this isn't just about him rejecting me.
> 
> So it's OK for him to kick me off the bed when trying to talk to him (hurting my back), or to have a bruise on my leg when I upset him for wearing lingerie the other night.
> 
> ...


As I said before. You need to talk to understand what turns each other on and off.

As for the violence, I'm not qualified to talk about that as I have no experience, although if that is an issue I would separate it from the sex problems you have as there may be wider issues you need to focus on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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