# How to deal with lies in a long distance relationship



## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Hello,

I am in a distance relationship with my husband at the moment. He is in NY and I am in Spain. I have lost trust in him due to many things that have happened in the past (he is a recovering alcoholic). The point is before leaving we made clear some bounderies so that we don't hurt each other. I know what I am going to say it's not right but I have looked in his facebook account and I found out about some lies and flirting going on. I would like to talk it over with him but he will find out I looked into his account and even though this was wrong, I still need to talk about his lying. It's impossible that we continue our relationship in the distance if we dont trust each other. Could anyone give me some advice?


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## JadeMoniqueT (Jun 3, 2013)

Hi there

I think that seeing as you're husband is not being completely honest with your right now you need to address it with him whether you snooped around or not. The fact that he has been lying to you only means that you were right to be suspicious and to look through his account. You need to speak to him about it. Tell him that yes you went through his account and you probably shouldn't have but you don't regret it because of what you found and that if you hadn't looked you would have never known what he had been up to.
That's a place to start. After that depending on what he says you can decide whether you want to work things out and fix things or move on due to lack of trust and dishonesty.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Here's my advice - its NOT wrong that you look on his FB. There should be transparent in marriage. 

My H and I have each other passwords to everything. I'm on his FB page more than he is (mostly because he don't respond to family or anybody else so I respond for him) 

I would definitely ask him about it and don't let him throw it back on you. He the one acting inappropriate.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with going through his account when your married. Being transparent is very important to a marriage. People who get upset most likely have something to hide.

You need to tell him head on before it starts into something more. He should not ever be flirting with other women. He should only flirt with you.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

JadeMoniqueT said:


> Hi there
> 
> I think that seeing as you're husband is not being completely honest with your right now you need to address it with him whether you snooped around or not. The fact that he has been lying to you only means that you were right to be suspicious and to look through his account. You need to speak to him about it. Tell him that yes you went through his account and you probably shouldn't have but you don't regret it because of what you found and that if you hadn't looked you would have never known what he had been up to.
> That's a place to start. After that depending on what he says you can decide whether you want to work things out and fix things or move on due to lack of trust and dishonesty.


Welcome to TAM Jade. Read a little bit more on here and you will see why it's not snooping. It's transparency and it healthy for the marriage.


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## JadeMoniqueT (Jun 3, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Welcome to TAM Jade. Read a little bit more on here and you will see why it's not snooping. It's transparency and it healthy for the marriage.


Hi 

I get entirely where you're coming from. I only referred to it as snooping due to the fact that I could tell that the person asking the question was concerned that that was how her husband would view it and that's why she said she knew it was wrong. In her opinion it was wrong. My point was merely that even though she sees it as wrong and even if he sees it that way (as that's what she's concerned about), the fact that he was messing around and not being honest with her is even more wrong and proves her right for looking through his Facebook account. Not sure if that makes any sense...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

JadeMoniqueT said:


> Hi
> 
> I get entirely where you're coming from. I only referred to it as snooping due to the fact that I could tell that the person asking the question was concerned that that was how her husband would view it and that's why she said she knew it was wrong. In her opinion it was wrong. My point was merely that even though she sees it as wrong and even if he sees it that way (as that's what she's concerned about), the fact that he was messing around and not being honest with her is even more wrong and proves her right for looking through his Facebook account. Not sure if that makes any sense...


Yes it makes sense. Just concerned for the OP that she not be reluctant because she felt she was wrong for snooping.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. The thing is that he gave me his password a long time ago to prove I could trust him and never used it until we started this distance relationship. I felt it was wrong because I dont want to turn into a sneeky wife, looking through my husband's stuff. It's not healthy way to have a marriage. I will definitely talk to him. This is not the first time it happens and he promised not to do it again. When I bring it up he always throw it back at me, he says it's lack of self confidence. To me marriage is a big deal, otherwise why doing it? He makes me feel so bad for wanting to demand certain things from him.....


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If he throws it back at you and getting angry, he's definitely hiding something! He's acting out of guilt. 

My husband and I have each others passwords. I've seen my h read my conversations to my friends when I leave my iPod touch laying around. I don't care since I have nothing to hide. We can view each others texts at any time without argument.

Don't feel guilty about going into his FB account. You could be stopping a potential affair. I would be extremely upset if my h was flirting with other women. I'd bring up the issue right away, especially since its crossing our boundaries we set when we first married.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

That's what I think. I leave my phone laying around and I tell him about everybody I hang out with because I have nothing to hide. I have "I'm married" on my fb status, he doens't. He just starts saying I'm insecure and that that will push him away, even when he knows he's done it before and I have reasons to feel this way.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> That's what I think. I leave my phone laying around and I tell him about everybody I hang out with because I have nothing to hide. I have "I'm married" on my fb status, he doens't. He just starts saying I'm insecure and that that will push him away, even when he knows he's done it before and I have reasons to feel this way.


You probably should have this moved to CWI. It looks like he's blame shifting which seems to be a hallmark of cheaters. 

Oh and this attitude won't help you one bit:

*I felt it was wrong because I dont want to turn into a sneeky wife, looking through my husband's stuff. It's not healthy way to have a marriage. *


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> I have "I'm married" on my fb status, he doens't. He just starts saying I'm insecure and that that will push him away, even when he knows he's done it before and I have reasons to feel this way.


Blame the victim.

From the things you have said, it sounds like you have let him get away with it in the past, so he's just repeating bad behavior. 

Time for consequences. 


Keep copies of what you are going to bust him with.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

Yes he has been getting away with it!! As I said at the beginning he is a recovering alcoholic and through his recovery he has mastered the art of manipulation. It wasn't until when I started getting some information and advice about this issue that I could see when he was trying to manipulate me to make me feel bad or blame me for something. The problem is I still don't know how to handle this. Sometimes I don't even know what to answer him back or what the consequences should be for him, besides me leaving him..


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> Yes he has been getting away with it!! As I said at the beginning he is a recovering alcoholic and through his recovery he has mastered the art of manipulation. It wasn't until when I started getting some information and advice about this issue that I could see when he was trying to manipulate me to make me feel bad or blame me for something. The problem is I still don't know how to handle this. Sometimes I don't even know what to answer him back or what the consequences should be for him, besides me leaving him..



Read the threads on CWI and post there too or have a mod move this thread. You can probably figure out what to do by reading threads there. There are many examples of cheating through FB. 

If you can't figure out something to do just ask; they will help. I hope you can save your marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> he has mastered the art of manipulation. It wasn't until when I started getting some information and advice about this issue that I could see when he was trying to manipulate me to make me feel bad or blame me for something. The problem is I still don't know how to handle this.


Read "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. 

Get the most recent edition in paperback on amazon.com used and it will be a trifle of an expense, but the best book you ever bought.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

I will probably need to read that. Thanks for the suggestion!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Dulcinea said:


> Yes he has been getting away with it!! As I said at the beginning he is a recovering alcoholic and through his recovery he has mastered the art of manipulation. It wasn't until when I started getting some information and advice about this issue that I could see when he was trying to manipulate me to make me feel bad or blame me for something. The problem is I still don't know how to handle this. Sometimes I don't even know what to answer him back or what the consequences should be for him, besides me leaving him..


The only way to earn trust back is by being completely transparent and with proof that you are being transparent, otherwise it is just one's word, and when one has lied in the past, one's word is nothing. 
You did nothing wrong. I would just simply ask him if he wants to separate. Clearly he isn't changing his behavior.


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## Dulcinea (Jan 3, 2013)

So I spoke with him yesterday. Didn't tell him about looking in his account but I said that I was concerned about the way he was using FB and how that could affect our marriage, especially being apart. He was surprisingly calm and said he understand. Not sure if that will make any difference. I guess I will have to wait and see.


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