# MY version of worst case scenario has happened.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

H doesn't want to go to counseling anymore.
Or, he wants to reduce how often we go.

"not doing any good"

"too expensive"

That is my version of worst case scenario.

Worse than:
"I'm leaving." 
Yes. Worse than that.

Because now I don't just wonder IF I care more, will do more, am willing to invest more, am more curious...I know for sure.

He says he's ok with our status quo. 
THAT'S the worst part for me: that he would sign on for a lifetime of fighting every 3 days with yelling, cussing, and crying. 
THAT'S the part that I didn't see coming when I married this man.
THAT'S the part that makes me feel trapped.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't argue with him about it.

Under no circumstances are you to argue with him about it.

He knows you you feel.

Use the money and the time to get the therapy you need.

Yes, there was a time when my wife didn't wish to go with me either. (Gee, I wonder why not, I was so much "fun")

I went by myself.

I made the mistake of dogging her about it. But, once I finally let up - and she saw something different from me - she volunteered to go.

In fact, she invited me to come and help at one of her sessions recently.

Do not despair.

This is actually an opportunity, since the sessions you've been having really weren't having the impact you'd hoped for.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He says he's ok with our status quo.
> THAT'S the worst part for me: that he would sign on for a lifetime of fighting every 3 days with yelling, cussing, and crying.
> THAT'S the part that I didn't see coming when I married this man.
> THAT'S the part that makes me feel trapped.


That's terrible he feels that way. It seems he thinks it's normal. If it's too expensive, have you tried to ask him if you saw someone different who was more affordable?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Don't argue with him about it.
> 
> Under no circumstances are you to argue with him about it.
> 
> ...


This is an opportunity??? For what???

Still...your reply helped me take a deep breath.

I already did argue with him about it...but I'll stop.

He stormed out the door in anger (again).

Not so sure if I should tell him about going on my own...my pride tells me he'll respond with "Go ahead, obviously YOU'RE the screwed up one." 
(I've been in individual counseling before, btw, I am free of judgment of people in therapy.)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> This is an opportunity??? For what???
> 
> Still...your reply helped me take a deep breath.
> 
> ...


Be honest with him.

Tell him you're going to work on yourself.

If he starts in on you, look him directly in the eye and ask him how his comments are helpful?

This is an opportunity to put yourself in a place where you can give without the fear of not getting.....

Isn't that the opportunity you REALLY want?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Be honest with him.
> 
> Tell him you're going to work on yourself.
> 
> ...


At its simplest level, yes.

The only impediment in my mind is $, if it is legitimately part of why he wants to do less (or stop) MC...because it applies to individual counseling too.

But...I don't see him giving me a hard time about taking a step to work on myself...any more than I see him signing on to do individual counseling himself (which, if we both did it, I sometimes think would be more beneficial to us than MC)

Guess we'll see. We have a session Wednesday. My guess is it won't go well because he's going to bring in all his anger in with him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> At its simplest level, yes.
> 
> The only impediment in my mind is $, if it is legitimately part of why he wants to do less (or stop) MC...because it applies to individual counseling too.
> 
> ...


Why is he going at all?

I would cancel it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Why is he going at all?
> 
> I would cancel it.


I won't cancel it because I don't want to turn away his willingness to be there when he does show up, and I do hope it can do SOME good.

Also:

1. MY mistake that it was brought up in the first place. I was on a freaking roll with my overemotional verbal diarrhea, and I said "You do care, I know you do, because you shell out $140 a week to go to MC with me, so I know you care!" (insert Homer Simpson "DOH!" here) :slap:

So he responded, "Not for long! We're going to need to talk about that. We can't afford to go every week anymore, and besides I don't think it's working..." and we were off.

2. He has a history of making big statements that don't come to fruition. Such as his initial reluctance to even go to MC in the first place.

But who knows...maybe our sessions have been backfiring partly because he is passive aggressively (and unconsciously) sabotaging them. Who the hell knows. It's hit or miss.

Why's he going? In his words, because he's "frustrated," and because his argumentativeness "goes back to his parents."

I feel so...much...RELIEF...when we just T A L K...when I can be HONEST, and he doesn't shut down or shut IT down or ME down.

With or without MC...I need that.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I won't cancel it because I don't want to turn away his willingness to be there when he does show up, and I do hope it can do SOME good.
> 
> Also:
> 
> ...


Hang in there Credam. Like you said, he may have just said it in anger, responding ONLY to your statement...trying to "push your buttons"!! Try not to say anything and just see if he continues to go...AND DON'T BRING IT UP AGAIN!!! 

If that's not the case and he really thinks that financially you can't continue, maybe he will do the self help books that have exercises that help you both to communicate (like Gottman)!?!

I understand completely just being able to talk TO each other is THE BEST!!!

Good luck!:smthumbup:


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I just want to encourage you to continue with counseling. With or without him. You've come so far..invested so much of yourself. Keep hanging in there!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks, everyone.
Funny thing is I think I've come far...and then I have a total blowup and meltdown like i did yesterday. 
After making all the mistakes i'M trying to stop making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I just want to encourage you to continue with counseling. With or without him. You've come so far..invested so much of yourself. Keep hanging in there!


If it comes down to quitting or reducing MC, I do think individual therapy is something I need to do...not the least of which reason is because there are things going on in my mind that I cannot say in couples therapy, things that may really be getting in my way, that *I* may have to deal with on my own.

So, I had a 30-minute phone conversation with an individual therapist today.

I definitely want to do it for myself, but I have fears:

1. H and I quit MC, I say "Perhaps we should both do individual." He says "I don't need it, but you go ahead."
-->This means I'm doing "all the work." 

2. H and I continue MC, I want to do individual, he says "We can't afford it, so let's quit MC if you're going to drain my bank account with therapy."
-->refer to fear #1

With respect to both of these fears...*I don't want to gamble MC. My fear is that MC is the only chance we have of BOTH of us doing the work.*

Because there's a part of me that's screaming, "We BOTH have work to do inside! Why should I do all the healing, when HE has to heal too and he's not going to bother?!?"

Sorry if that sounds judgmental, folks, but it's true; we do both have issues that we bring to the relationship. He *did* have a poor model of conflict resolution in his parents.

What do I hope for?
Either: we both do MC and we both do individual
Or: we both do individual

I guess...I'll see how MC goes tomorrow...the individual therapist said let's talk in 2 weeks (he's out of town till then), and I'll let him know what I plan to do next. 

I appreciate any thoughts, opinions, advice. Thanks for your support...


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks, everyone.
> Funny thing is I think I've come far...and then I have a total blowup and meltdown like i did yesterday.
> After making all the mistakes i'M trying to stop making.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You've done well, and meltdowns happen to all of us. Stay strong:smthumbup:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I feel for you.

The thing I hold onto the most is the fact that my husband is in individual counseling and has committed to keep going (for himself), and is committed to our MC.

That keeps me hanging on that there is hope to fix our issues, that he acknowledges there are issues and is at least willing to work on them - now if I could just get him to open up more in counselling, but I'm working with the counselor to fix that!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Good luck in MC tomorrow...maybe he'll realize that it's best to continue with it. I've got my fingers crossed for you!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Good luck in MC tomorrow...maybe he'll realize that it's best to continue with it. I've got my fingers crossed for you!


Thank you.

My best hope for MC tomorrow comes from the reality that *I* screwed up in the past week, and I know how I did. (and I understand why I did.)

So if I go in there and own MY mistakes and don't point the finger at him, maybe he won't go on the defensive and it'll open up a productive conversation.

Conrad hit the nail on the head:

I have a fear right now of GIVING to him, without knowing if I will GET from him.
That fear is exactly why I keep falling back into my side of the bad pattern.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Why should I do all the healing, when HE has to heal too and he's not going to bother?!?"


Because you're miserable. You're tired of feeling this way all the time, of all the fighting, the hurting. You need to feel better, and this is worth a try to see if it helps.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Because you're miserable. You're tired of feeling this way all the time, of all the fighting, the hurting. You need to feel better, and this is worth a try to see if it helps.


Good--and obvious--point.

My husband is not miserable. My husband is tired of me being miserable and needing him to do something about it.

Whether I'm miserable because of something I've done or something he's done, or a toxic combination of the two....I am.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My husband is not miserable. My husband is tired of me being miserable and needing him to do something about it.


two years into my healing and im still a little bitter about this issue in my marriage. its no where near as bad as it used to be but i still wont do one thing for "us" nor will i until i dont feel resentful about it anymore...maybe another four years. lol


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> two years into my healing and im still a little bitter about this issue in my marriage. its no where near as bad as it used to be but i still wont do one thing for "us" nor will i until i dont feel resentful about it anymore...maybe another four years. lol


I appreciate your honesty and relating to me about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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