# He said the affair was "planned", should this change things?



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I'm sort of confused on this...
I'm not sure if it changes things regarding my forgiveness or not?

The other night H and I got into an arguement. It was really pointless, and after I went on a quick walk to clear my head.

When I came back home, I sat down and apologized for raising my voice and for what I had said, asked him to forgive me etc. He said "If you didn't mean to do it, it wouldn't have happened". I noticed he choked up on that.

So I looked at him and said "Mistakes can happen. What about what you did to me? Did you mean to do that?"

He looked at me and replied "Yes. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened".

What a horrible feeling after hearing that....
Does this change things?
Does this mean he doesn't deserve forgiveness?

Maybe I was too naieve thinking that everything "just happened"... 

Any advice would be appreciated...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm 2 1/2 months of finding out about my husband's affair, and I think we protect ourselves by believing certain things, I remember being a taken back by what he said quite a number of times....we just don't want to believe it wasn't some kind of mistake.....I was the same way......can you forgive, sure if you decide to.....the damage is done for whatever the reasons were, if you want to work things out truly move past it and make the relationship the best it can be, try to find out what your hubby was missing in the relationship so you can work on those things....together you can work it out....all marriages are worth a little effort and I guess life is a long time to live without a few mistakes or errors in judgement......good luck


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

jessi said:


> I'm 2 1/2 months of finding out about my husband's affair, and I think we protect ourselves by believing certain things, I remember being a taken back by what he said quite a number of times....we just don't want to believe it wasn't some kind of mistake.....I was the same way......can you forgive, sure if you decide to.....the damage is done for whatever the reasons were, if you want to work things out truly move past it and make the relationship the best it can be, try to find out what your hubby was missing in the relationship so you can work on those things....together you can work it out....all marriages are worth a little effort and I guess life is a long time to live without a few mistakes or errors in judgement......good luck



I am just so confused right now.
Maybe I was blindsighted, and the fact that I am so young and don't know so much about this subject doesn't help the matter anymore.

I came up with this idea that most affairs were not planned... that it just happened. That they were mistakes.
The fact that he admitted it was on purpose made me question if he is truly sorry or not..

He did show remorse at the beginning, for a couple days... and maybe this is stemming from the fact that I did not see enough remorse from him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

breakable said:


> I came up with this idea that most affairs were not planned... that it just happened. That they were mistakes.


Most affairs do not just happen. The planning can be moments, minutes, hours, days, or much longer.

And yes, they are mistakes too.

I think you are trying to find a way to get your head around this by taking the intent out of the equation.

But you know what? You can't do that successfully.

People who cheat do so because they want to. And they do whatever it takes to make it ok to decide and act on that intent.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

michzz said:


> Most affairs do not just happen. The planning can be moments, minutes, hours, days, or much longer.
> 
> And yes, they are mistakes too.
> 
> ...



Thank you, I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My H flat out told me he hoped to hurt me with his affairSSS. And with a little affair energy in him, he started blatantly being mean and hurtful to me - and ultimately dropping enough clues to shatter my awe of him. In his case for sure it was a combination of him being fabulous (beyond the rules) and being resentful of me (perhaps for not making him feel fabulous enough).

Your H is giving a truthful statement and I would praise the honesty - and acknowledge that there is still possibly some resentment there? Please read together: His Needs Her Needs.

I'm not blaming you, I do not blame myself. But reading books like this helped us understand a serious break in communication between us.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I agree with Still - he was being brutally honest. I would talk further with him, as she suggested, to find out more. 

I think some affairs are probably sought after and that intention is there from the start. I think many are not planned, they happen eventually. But as Michzz said, they are planned at some point. They plan to continue, they plan to stop, etc. 

All circumstances are different and I think that's one of the things I have learned on this site. You have to talk and disect what happened in your situation. Why your H had an affair. I know exactly why my H did - he laid it all out there when asked. And some of it really hurt because while the A is NOT my fault, circumstances that led my H down the path to an A are. Our marriage was NOT where it should have been. As a good friend verbalized to me and is absolutely right - the way I was treating my H, had he been a BF and not my H - would have dumped my a** long ago. He didn't because he truly never stopped loving me, loves our children to pieces and ultimately wanted to have the marriage and wife he used to. He was holding on my threads to keep. When he thought it was a lost cause and the "opportunity" came where someone was giving him the attention and affection he so desired, he took it. It happened. 

It's where you go from here that's important. My H and I are doing VERY well. He is truly remorseful. Would his actions dictate that daily? Not necessarily. BUT you need to ask questions and talk to determine those for yourself. Communication is KEY to resolving and rebuilding your marriage. Sometimes you hear what you want and sometimes not. But again, it's what you do with that information. 

Jessi is right also - marriages aren't easy and it's up to you to determine that amount of time/effort you want to put in. And all people make mistakes, some are bigger than others. And there are people who continue making stupid little mistakes and people who make really big ones, learn from them, improve because of them, move on and end up being happier and more fulfilled than before.  Good Luck!


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