# 3 somes



## HEIDI84

Ugh long story short, my husband and I had gotten pretty wasted one night, and had an amazing night with each other, and my mouth runs like a ducks ass, and I told him I wanted to make all his fantasies come true n at first he said I already do yea..yea...I said no really what's your fantasy, and he said everyone he knows has had a 3 some he always wanted one so like I said I was wasted n I agreed to it so we took sexy pics of each other decided what we wanted and put an ad on Craigslist, the next day I already had a few emails, but the first few girls were just disgusting my hubby's a body builder kinda a meat head checks himself out more than he checks me out. 

I'm not conceited at all but I'm definitely into eating healthy and physical fitness. Every girl that replied was atleast over 250lbs not gonna lie it kinda made me happy, yea I had 2 3 somes before but not with someone I loved and I was also maybe 15 and 16. So I didn't want to tell him how much it's killing me inside I can't eat can't sleep so I asked him if we could make it a 4 some couple swap n he said no he didn't want a dude near him I said he won't b near u ID b with him n his gf would b with u, I honestly didn't want that either just wanted him to think how he'd feel about me with another man. He said absolutely no dudes touching you. 

All this took place about 3 weeks ago, neither of us brought it up he was drinking last night mentioned it went on Craigslist n of course there's a gorgeous blonde looking for a 3 sum with a couple well I was sober real sober n just nauseas thinking about it so I said I was running to the adult store to get him more lube n I was talking to a guy that works there n he always hits on me when I go there n I just brush it off but last note I was upset he came outside took a break we talked n he asked me how will u feel towards him if u go thru with this everyday after n honestly I said hurt, betrayed, kinda cheated on, my first marriage all he did was cheat n I ended up taking my kids n leaving I was only 25 then n now 31, anyway I told him I'd probably end up leaving him eventually I could never look at him the same. 

He gave me his # "to talk" n I actually took it I don't know why, I never did before, but I feel I may have ruined our marriage by ever asking him his fantasy thinking it would be role play or bondage ugh, when I got home he had already responded to this girl n even set up a date n motel, the date just happened to fall on our 5 yr anniversary another stab to the heart, so I told him look I can't watch you inside another girl touching her or her touching u, n honestly I don't want u to be disappointed I told u, u could have ur fantasy so I'll let u n her find another girl cuz I won't be there at first he was mad than pretended he cared n said if I do this it's not gonna backfire n get thrown in my face or give u a reason to cheat I said no but the whole time I was thinking no it won't backfire but I'll be packed n gone before u ever get home. 

I've done things with this man I never thought I'd do with anyone I thought I was pretty darn open to new things I buy him all types of toys pumps, dolls lotions movies even that live interactive screen that attached to the fleshlite n lets u connect with real porn he's had a lot more experience than me. I've been with 4 men in my 31 yrs the 1st doesn't really count I was raped at age 11 the 2 nd was my first long relationship 2 yrs 3rd my first husband and 4th him. 

I'm so confused. But there's other factors too. He has pretty much been in my kids lives since my youngest was 2 n oldest was 5, and he still has no connection to them n he's a recovering alcoholic, and he has hit me before but only when drunk, but the past 4 weeks he's been sober atleast from alcohol, and he's flipped out worse than I've ever seen before and honestly he looks for things to fight about like my daughter left a colored pencil on the floor and he wanted to kill me n kill himself I just had my 4th foot operation n we have a concrete basement picked me up n tossed me across the room n I ended up in urgent care last week n now 

I have a hair line fracture in my ankle bone n also broke a srew in my foot, I know this behaviours not OK, he starts with being vicious n hurtful then I'm crying he does warn me to get away, but I chase him n grab him that's when he can't control his anger honestly I don't think he loves me, he had said it himself when he's in rage mood but the following day says sorry. 

I have a big cash settlement case I just won I didn't trust him enough to tell him I won, I won't have cash for atleast 30 days I love him n I'm so lost, my kids are affected by this n see it then see me it's not fair they hate him


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## ConanHub

Um. Please leave. Protect yourself and your children.

Get counseling. You have been through a lot in your life and you probably don't see clearly and don't have good self esteem.

You may need to get him arrested.

I think that would be the best course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55

Never again young lady 

Get family help now

Are your parents close ?

Your father needs to know

55


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## JohnA

I think you need to see a therapist about your self-image issues. Read up on CSA victims and how it effets them. This is the second man you committed to that abuses you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Dig deep enough and I think you will find you chose them out of seif-loathing. 

Both your husbands are losers and know it. They desperately need to feel superior to others, especially their wife. The reason for the abuse is to destroy your sense of self worth in an attempt to hold onto you. 

Read @EleGirls post, she does volunteer work at a woman's sheter and may be able to point you in the right direction. 

Read @Blossom Leigh on abuse http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html

Be well, hold firm to a simple truth: you do not deserve this and deserve better.


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## Evinrude58

This guy you're married to threw you across a room? I don't understand how that picture happened, but you need to get help before this guy kills you in a rage.
I'm so sorry.
You need some help. I hope you have family to help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi

He's a bully but you love him. 
He doesn't love you the same way you love him. And he never will. 
Your just a doormat to him. He will continue to walk all over you until you leave. 
There are some real gentleman out there, who are great faithful lovers and amazing fathers. 
Take a leap in courage it's the only way to real happiness. 

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## EleGirl

HEIDI84

I added paragraph breaks to your post so that people can read it. It's really hard to read a big wall of text. Also please use punctuation.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84,

You are in a very dangerous situation. Surely you know this. The likelihood of him killing you or seriously injuring you to the point of you being an invalid for the rest of your life is HUGE.

One thing you said that you need to get control of is that you need to stop following him when he's angry. Instead of following him and helping things escalate get out of there.

What support system do you have? Do you have friends and family? I ask because you need to engage at least one or two people as your support system.

You need to call the national domestic violence hotline and have them help put you in touch with someone locally who can help you get out of this marriage.

You have current injuries and current visits to the emergency room due to his violent attacks. Please call the police. They can remove him from the home and help you get a restraining order. This is necessary to protect yourself and your children.

right now he's a violent abuser. But come on, you are participating in the emotional abuse of your children. You allow him to abuse them emotionally. YOu have a choice to leave. They do not have that choice.. you are the one person who can make that choice for them. So if you will not do it for yourself, get yourself and your children away from this guy for the sake and safety of your children.

One thing to keep in mind, if you are badly hurt and/or your children are even accidently hurt, the state will take your children away from you. They will go into the awful foster care system. Is this what you want for your children? Please get out for the sake and safety of your children. 

While your children watch this abuse, they are learning. Your daughter is learning that this is the way a man will treat her.. she will end up in an abusive relationship. Your son is learning that this is the way he will treat the women in his life. Is this really what you want your children to learn? Is this really what you want to teach them, because is it what you are teaching them right now.


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## EleGirl

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233. They are available 24/7 via both phone and chat.

http://www.thehotline.org/help/ 

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## WorkingWife

Please follow everyone's advice, especially Elle's. A 3-some is the least of your concerns. This man is dangerous. He could kill you. If you are not willing to protect yourself, then protect your children. They are in emotional and physical danger. Surely you can see that. Please leave now. Whatever it takes.


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## EleGirl

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-husband-slept-his-friend-2.html#post15524009



HEIDI84 said:


> I'm only 31, but I've been married twice have a 10 yr old and 8 yr old both to my first husband. We were together 10 years total, it took me awhile to see his deceitful ways but first we'd hang out and he was a drug user and use to take me to his female boss's home I hated it, we would go in I'd have to stay in living room with her husband and kids while she took my ex to the bedroom for atleast 10 min, I still never thought he would do something like that, she was atleast 30 and we were only 17 not to mention she was very unattractive. One thing to my advantage he really was dumb, ID start seeing inappropriate texts from her or shed just show up at his place out of the blue so I lied to him the one night he worked with her and told him he pocket dialed me must have been on a brake n I heard things that were said n if he loved me n wanted it to work he'd be honest so he admitted to it, I told her hubby and got her fired. We both got jobs at the same place after that then he introduced me to his bff from school who was a girl I already didn't like her n shed call all the time I knew she liked him but again she looked like Mr. Ed I kept thinking he would have standards he went as far as having her call me n tell me she wants to b my friend too n ID never have to worry about them, well I had a day off but wanted to pick my paycheck up I went with my mom who was my bff, and as soon as we pulled in my mom saw him pulling in I was excited n mad cuz he ignored my calls he parked right NXT to us never realizing it was us, I look over n see his bff lifting her head up off of him n zippering his pants I ended it there a month later realized I was pregnant he vowed to get help n change I believed him we bought a house, I went to college and worked and we lost our 1st pregnancy and also the next 3, he worked but never had $, ID start finding strip club receipts and missing money and he was using drugs again, found out he was sleeping with my cousin once again I was pregnant for a 4th time so we stuck it out n had our son everything was good almost 2 yrs till I got pregnant again, he left me in the hospital to "go home and rest" after being in labor 36 hours alone, and that hospital didn't have a nursery so my daughter stayed in my room, weeks later I noticed him leaving earlier n earlier for work, I followed him to a girls house whom jus started working with him n he had been taking her back n forth so I called my cell phone carrier asked for call records n texts turns out he'd been messing with her so I put the house up for sale while he was working and had friends help me move I left him a trash bag bar of soap, towel and condemn n nothing else got a townhouse in a housing development about a year later we tried to give it one more shot even got counseling, I worked 2nd shift n he worked 1st cuz of the kids, one night I get a text from him asking if I was working late again n he never asked me that so I knew something was up so I said yes and left at my normal time I get home to him naked in the bedroom beds a mess, sheets n covers soaked n before I said anything I needed a min to breath went in kissed my kids n my son woke up n said mommy why was Tara taking a shower with Daddy Tara was not only my neighbor but also my best friend so I confronted him n like I said hes dumb I said she called me crying and apologizing n told me what happened so u either man up or get out n he admitted to everything I flew out my door into hers grabbed her by her hair n just started hitting woke up her husband he kicked her out only for a few weeks I filed for divorce this time n never looked back once a cheater always a cheater


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## EleGirl

Here is a link to another thread that Heidi stared, it has more info that sheds a light on the level of abuse she's experiencing. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/new-me...eed-advice-marriage-failing.html#post15526241



HEIDI84 said:


> I don't even know where to start I know this marriage has been toxic from the start, but I'm so afraid to be alone I have 2 kids to my previous marriage of 10 years, and my toxic marriage is affecting them emotionally, they shouldn't have to see the things he does or says to me or comfort me afterwards that's not their role. I didn't teach them to hate and I don't want my son or daughter thinking this is acceptable they saw it in my first marriage too, of course they were very little but my son still blames himself for telling me his dad was cheating with my friend while I was working. He did it for 10 yrs I left him and within weeks met my husband now, he's not a good person or nice person, him and his mom and sisters have put me thru hell from things like phone calls to children and youth to trying to run me off the road and posting lies about me on social media because of it all I'm not allowed friends, Facebook, and he always checks my phone and leaves me chores that will take me his whole shift to finish. I've lost my own family over him. Im lost and don't know what to do





HEIDI84 said:


> Also I've been exercising and started a diet 3 months ago, he always made comments about my weight I was 166lbs and 5ft 4" 3 months ago but due to an injury and 4 surgeries on my foot it limits the amount of exercise I can get,and I have worked so hard and am currently 134lbs I went from size 13 to size 5, but he started treating me worse now and makes comments about my Lise skin or calls me a ***** or a cum dumpster he's a recovering addict as I am too, and the pain is so bad sometimes and with my history he will make any excuse to get his hands on anything and I was doing so good when I met him,a then my life went upside down. I don't know whether he changed for the worst since I started my diet cuz he wants me to stay fat so he can pick on me and brag about his ex being a model, or because I had my 4 the foot surgery January 13th 2016 and after I left the hospital I told my doctor I only wanted non narcotic medicine, and no more nerve pills or muscle relaxers, I quit taking it all tired of running out n getting sick n him taking my pills all the time then when he's mad tells his family I keep feeding him pills and he needs to get away from me. God there is so much more to write I literally kiss his but on his weekends off he doesn't get out of bed at all, doesn't acknowledge my kids, doesn't help with anything household. I'm falling apart I do love him but I know I deserve better. I admit I was immature when we first met but he made it clear what he wanted and after dating 3 months he had to serve 6 months in jail for duis he got before we got together. We actually went to middle school and high school together he was a loud mouth jock and I was a quiet problemed shy girl never spoke to him till the day he messaged me on fb n we started dating. Honestly I hated him in high school I dated one of his friends n I still don't think he even knew of me but he's always sure to tell my kids what a dork I was n how cool he was.


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## EleGirl

Heidi, 

I would like to move your thread to the General Relationship Discussion forum because it’s a much more active forum and you will get more input there. Plus, Sex In Marriage is far from your biggest problem. I don’t want to move your thread and then have you not able to find it. So I’ll wait until you acknowledge this.


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## HEIDI84

OK thank you I appreciate it, ugh he's in a rage right now all because I took my kids to the park and just got home we were only there maybe an hour and a half I invited him, so I pulled in my driveway 10 min ago and thank God he was a football player not baseball he threw his phone at the drivers side car door it broke and of course that's my fault too. He's vicious me and my kids are still just sitting outside in our grass don't want to deal with this rage he agreed to see a doctor on Friday so I set everything up even spoke to the dr on the phone without him knowing and told him what was really going on because I knew he wouldn't, and Friday came and he was up all night I think he was on something but he Denys it and he said I had to cancel his appt again, so I found a guide online last note it's a 7 week guide to fix a marriage and I asked him today if he would be willing to start the steps with me tomorrow and really give it our all and he acted like I was asking something ridiculous of him and laughed and said no, I literally begged the answer still no, so I said to him what's the point of even being together then? Because I don't get it, and I'm done putting in all the work and me being the only one to change and each time I lose more of myself n he gains more to walk all over, ugh so of course his answer was that's fine I'll leave I just walk away that's his answer to everything but this time I told him that's fine, I hope u realize what ur doing cuz ur gonna push me away I'm starting to get numb real fast kinda nice don't feel hurt or happy don't really care anymore I feel he's fake he's not the person I first met or fell for honestly part of me hates him and what he's doing to me

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## Cynthia

Oh honey, please, please listen to EleGirl. You and your children are in terrible danger.


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## EleGirl

You need to stop trying to fix this and get away from him. Do not tell him that you are thinking of leaving or ending the marriage... why? Because most women who are killed are killed when they try to leave the man who is abusing them.

When do you get that payout from the law suite? Do not put that money in a joint account. Do not put it in any other account that you already have in yoru name. Go open a NEW account in your name only and deposit the money there. If you mix is it in account with his name on it or put it in an existing account (your name only) where you have previously deposited marital assets/income, then you are legally giving him 50% ownership of the money. So keep it separate. Generally, money won in a law suit is your sole property. Protect it. You are going to need it.

Also, do you have access to mone? Do you two keep a joint account that you have access to? Where does your pay check go? does it go into an account that has his name on it .. a sole account or a joint account?

This marriage cannot be fixed. Please realize that. He's a dangerous, violent man. Why are you trying to reason with him?

What is your plan to get away from him?


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## Cynthia

People like your husband cannot change, because they do not see themselves as the problem. They think others are the problem, which is why he thinks it's okay to hurt you. You cannot do anything to change that, because it is not your fault or anything you are doing that is causing this. Your only safe response is to run with your children and go where he will not find you.

Do not let him know about the money. Do as EleGirl has said. She is giving you wise counsel.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you ladies so much I feel like I've written and still haven't gotten to the middle of my book, this is 5 years of me keeping everything in I got tired of everyone telling me what to do my first year with him I cut everyone out and now I realize that was a huge mistake. I have no access to his money ever, my money is all put on my child support debit card, I'm praying this settlement comes soon, because these rage outbursts only really started like 5 wks ago honestly other than that he has only put his hands on me like 3 times in 5 yrs and those 3 times he was very drunk so I don't understand where his angers coming from, I've been threw one divorce already and not looking forward to another one, my mother is really all I have but financially and physically she can't do nothing and to be honest she makes me feel worse about everything in my first marriage every time he cheated ID tell her I wanted to leave him and she always took his side I wasn't having sex with him or even sleeping in the same room I slept with my kids and that made it my fault I didn't do my wife duties I thought F that if he touches me I'll vomit after 10 yrs of questioning myself I finally just did it n left n moved all while he was away it was hard on my own with two kids, and now my kids are older so that makes it easier but there dad just stopped calling n picking them up every other weekend, I know I could and am going to do it probably the day I get my settlement n back pay not sure how but the police station is diagonal from my house trust me they know us well by now. I'll probably have them here waiting when he gets home he is on probation so it would be real stupid of him to try anything. So if I opened an account in my kids names he can't touch it?

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## HEIDI84

My son just told me he's proud of me for not crying this time  and asked who was worse him or their dad I didn't even know what to say, I lost my dad when I was 17 all I know is if he were alive today he'd probably be in prison for hurting them

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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> because these rage outbursts only really started like 5 wks ago honestly other than that he has only put his hands on me like 3 times in 5 yrs and those 3 times he was very drunk so I don't understand where his angers coming from,


What you wrote is an example of minimizing his actions and the danger you are in. Go back and read EleGirl's posts. You need help today. He could go off at any moment.
Did you call 911 when he hurt you? Are the police aware of what's going on now?


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## MattMatt

EleGirl said:


> Call 911 and they will help you get away.
> 
> If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
> 
> ========================================
> 
> It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.
> 
> If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.
> 
> Get a support system:
> 
> 
> 
> Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.
> 
> 
> Also check into legal aid in your area.
> 
> 
> 
> Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.
> 
> 
> Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
> 
> 
> Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:
> 
> 
> 
> your mail from the ‘safe address’
> 
> 
> All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
> 
> 
> Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
> 
> 
> Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,
> 
> 
> Car title, social security cards, credit cards,
> 
> 
> Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
> 
> 
> Titles, deeds and other property information
> 
> 
> Medical records
> 
> 
> Children's school and immunization records
> 
> 
> Insurance information
> 
> 
> Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.
> 
> 
> Welfare identification
> 
> 
> Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
> 
> Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.
> 
> 
> Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.
> 
> 
> Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.
> 
> 
> If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
> 
> 
> Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
> 
> 
> Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
> 
> 
> You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.
> 
> 
> Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
> 
> 
> If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
> 
> 
> Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
> 
> 
> Hide an extra set of car keys.
> 
> 
> Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.
> 
> 
> Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
> 
> 
> Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.
> 
> 
> Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.
> 
> 
> Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
> 
> 
> Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.
> 
> After Leaving the Abusive Relationship
> 
> If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:
> 
> 
> 
> Change your locks and phone number.
> 
> 
> Change your work hours and route taken to work.
> 
> 
> Change the route taken to transport children to school.
> 
> 
> 
> Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
> 
> 
> Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
> 
> 
> Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
> 
> 
> 
> Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
> 
> 
> If you leave:
> 
> 
> Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
> 
> 
> Change your work hours, if possible.
> 
> 
> Alert school authorities of the situation.
> 
> 
> Consider changing your children's schools.
> 
> 
> Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
> 
> 
> Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
> 
> 
> Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
> 
> 
> Talk to trusted people about the violence.
> 
> 
> Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
> 
> 
> Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
> 
> 
> Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
> 
> 
> Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


:iagree:


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## HEIDI84

No and no to both neighbors always call cause the noise

Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk


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## HEIDI84

CynthiaDe said:


> What you wrote is an example of minimizing his actions and the danger you are in. Go back and read EleGirl's posts. You need help today. He could go off at any moment.
> Did you call 911 when he hurt you? Are the police aware of what's going on now?










this was from my scarf in January

Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> No and no to both neighbors always call cause the noise


If the neighbors call because of the noise, what do you do when the police get there? Do you tell them what's going on? Do you show them the injuries you have?


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> this was from my scarf in January
> 
> Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk


He did this to you with your scarf? He could have killed you.
You said earlier that you don't want to be alone, but if this continues you will be dead or seriously disabled and your children will be motherless. Think of your children. You need to get away from him now. Call 911 and tell them what has been going on. Tell them you need help and protection and that you are afraid.

This is an emergency. I think you have suppressed your feelings so much over time that your normal reactions have been dulled and you are not understanding the serious nature of your situation and how much danger you and YOUR CHILDREN are in. For the sake of your children, dial 911 and get some real help. You could go back to the park, call them from there, and find out what they can do to keep you and your children safe.


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## HEIDI84

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:


Thank you my lawyers saying ill have my check within 30 days, I never even told him I won the settlement so he's not expecting anything yet, also this is my house I got it before we met the cars in my name and the house. I don't have any kids to him so I think it will be a safe split, honestly because of talking to you guys tonight and cooking n playing with kids this is the first time I ignored him like this, I always make the mistake of following him around crying telling him he doesn't mean what he says. I just want to be single for the rest of my life I'm happier with myself honestly I know I can do this and I know I will, I do know it will hurt I put so much into this relationship it hurts, the hardest part will be not having friends or family around this time,l but my kids are my strength

Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

You could be dead in 30 days. You need to act now.


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## EleGirl

Do you have access to any money NOW?

Do you have any physical marks on you right NOW from him hurting you? Is that mark on your neck still there?


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## HEIDI84

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you my lawyers saying ill have my check within 30 days, I never even told him I won the settlement so he's not expecting anything yet, also this is my house I got it before we met the cars in my name and the house. I don't have any kids to him so I think it will be a safe split, honestly because of talking to you guys tonight and cooking n playing with kids this is the first time I ignored him like this, I always make the mistake of following him around crying telling him he doesn't mean what he says. I just want to be single for the rest of my life I'm happier with myself honestly I know I can do this and I know I will, I do know it will hurt I put so much into this relationship it hurts, the hardest part will be not having friends or family around this time,l but my kids are my strength
> 
> Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk



Sent from my C6730 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

How long have you been married to your current husband?


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## HEIDI84

We've been together just over 5 years and married 4yrs


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## EleGirl

So what are you going to do now?


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## HEIDI84

Im gonna be nice as I can even kiss butt if I got too till my check comes.


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## EleGirl

Does that mean that you have no access to money right now? Where does he control the money?


There are other things that you can do.

You could call the hot line and counseling and other support where you live. They can help you prepare to get him out of the house. It sounds like he should be leaving, not you.

You can work on that list I posted. If you are not leaving, you can still protect things like financial records, personal and legal papers.

doing things that move you towards leaving can help to keep you on track.


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> Im gonna be nice as I can even kiss butt if I got too till my check comes.


If he does ANYTHING violent, please dial 911 immediately. Do not wait. Your life could depend upon it.

In the meantime, you can be checking into the things that EleGirl listed and develop a plan.


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## HEIDI84

Ugh he's leaving now we had a bad fight his mom's coming to pick him up now


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> Ugh he's leaving now we had a bad fight his mom's coming to pick him up now


Good. The further away from him you are, the better.
Write everything down and take photos, so you can file a police report and get a restraining order. I realize you are not planning to do that today, but hopefully you will be ready to do it soon.


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## Diana7

leave this man now, why are you with him???WHy did you marry him???? He is an serious abuser and if you love your children leave for their sakes.


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## HEIDI84

Ugh I feel so sick I gave this man everything and he can't even leave on a good note, he hates me I ruined his life look at me I'm disgusting he can't wait to go get other *****, OK I know us breaking up is best but why does he have to say all these terrible things my heart's already broken I don't know what to do


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## Diana7

HEIDI84 said:


> Ugh I feel so sick I gave this man everything and he can't even leave on a good note, he hates me I ruined his life look at me I'm disgusting he can't wait to go get other *****, OK I know us breaking up is best but why does he have to say all these terrible things my heart's already broken I don't know what to do


You are NOT disgusting at all. You are far far better off apart from him and so are your children. Dont let him come back. Do you have any family or friends who can help you?


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## HEIDI84

My sister hasn't spoken to me in 5 yrs cuz of him my mom's dating a convicted sex offender but she says oh he's innocent ha yea right my kids dad jus disappeared 2 1/2 months ago, lost all my friends when I got with him no I have nobody I'm alone. He's still here tearing up our wedding pics saying cruel things my kids are upstairs sleeping our rooms downstairs I'm literally laying on the concrete floor in my laundry room hurting so much I don't know how to do this, it hurts so much more than I thought it would


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## Cynthia

I'm sorry, Heidi. It is terrible to have your heart broken, but he cannot fix it. The only way to heal is to be away from him and cut contact. Only then will the fog begin to lift and you can find yourself again. He has beaten you down and made you believe you are worthless, but you are not worthless. He has been lying to you. He is the source of your pain.

Please keep us up to date so we know you are okay.


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## HEIDI84

I don't understand how I'm the only one hurting he was literally jumping up and down with happiness that it's finally over like I didn't mean anything to him


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> I don't understand how I'm the only one hurting he was literally jumping up and down with happiness that it's finally over like I didn't mean anything to him


Because he is an abuser. An abuser is not a lover. An abuser is a user. For an abuser, the people in their lives are a source to have their needs met. They only give to get. They do not love people. They choose people for the person's usefulness in their lives. Once you are too much trouble or have outlived your usefulness, you are no longer necessary.
However, he will most likely come back and try some tactics to get you back. He will either try to guilt you back or try to show that he's changed. But he will not have changed. It is the cycle of abuse. Do not under an circumstances take him back. You will find yourself in a worse situation than you already are.


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## HEIDI84

I won't I just wish he'd hurt the way he hurt me


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## HEIDI84

I don't know if I can get thru this again


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## Cynthia

I realize that you cannot simply turn off your feelings. Feel your feelings, but don't let them overtake you. Let them flow through you and out. Let them pass through. You have children to think about. They are your responsibility. Focus on them. Let yourself get some rest when he leaves. If it appears he might become violent, call 911 immediately.

Do not think about how you are going to cope in the future. You are in the here and now. You will have enough strength for now and for each phase as it comes. You don't need strength for tomorrow until tomorrow comes. Just focus on what you can do to care for yourself and your children right now.


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## HEIDI84

I just want the pain to go away I can't take much more, I know my kids deserve better, I want to hate him so much!! Having him here is making it so hard, I just want someone to grab me and hold me tell me everything will be OK cuz right now I'm really not sure it will be


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much for being here for me tonight you have no idea how much it really means to me


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> I just want the pain to go away I can't take much more, I know my kids deserve better, I want to hate him so much!! Having him here is making it so hard, I just want someone to grab me and hold me tell me everything will be OK cuz right now I'm really not sure it will be


You are in charge of whether or not it is going to be okay. If you are willing to do what is necessary to protect yourself and to find help for the issues that led you to this place, you will be fine and so will your children.

Heartbreak takes time to heal, but it is easier to heal when your heart is not being continuously stomped on, which is has been. When he leaves, the healing can begin, because he is not there abusing you. Yes, it hurts, but even if he is there it hurts, because of the abuse. The only way to get away from the pain is to go not contact with him - forever. You will be much better off and then you really can be okay. You cannot be okay with him and neither can your children.


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## HEIDI84

I think I'm gonna need counseling or something cuz I jus don't think I'm strong enuf to be on my own I'm gonna make sum calls tomorrow


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> I think I'm gonna need counseling or something cuz I jus don't think I'm strong enuf to be on my own I'm gonna make sum calls tomorrow


Excellent. That is good thinking.

I'm praying for you tonight. It is time for me to sign off, but remember that if you think he is becoming violent, call 911. You need to keep your children safe. 

Tomorrow is a new day. You start fresh in learning how to care for yourself and being able to teach those skills to your children. When you do this, things will be okay.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much have a good night


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## autopilot

Heidi,

You have nothing to feel ashamed or badly about. As others have already said or implied, he's abusive because he has issues of his own and is only taking them out on you.

What 31-year-old man needs his mother to come take care of him? He's been abused by his own family and sees that as appropriate actions in treatment of you. I'd be willing to bet that he was abused as a child and so that's all he knows.

You've also said that he is a body-builder. That means he is probably on steroids or other growth hormone supplement. The side effects to those can be uncontrollable "roid rage".

Remember that you hold all the cards and not him. One call to the police and he will be back in jail in violation of his probation. Remember that and use it if necessary. He's not the father to any of your children so take the emotion out of the equation. If he does something physically abusive, use that leverage to throw his ass back in jail.

Is he hurting? Yes more than you know by his actions. But, don't worry about how he feels. That is giving him power over you. Pull yourself together and fight his abusiveness with callousness.

But, above all, you need to get him out of YOUR house pronto. Your kids' safety demands that you do that. Get a restraining order of protection against him. Completely sever yourself from him and get on with your life.

If needed, you can probably get a short-term loan and use the legal settlement document as collateral on the loan to give you some much-needed cash. Pay the loan off as soon as you get your settlement check.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much for all your advice means a lot, I'm sure when he leaves in the morning it will be easier for me, just right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going I know it's over and it will be best I also know it's gonna take awhile to heal I'm throwing up feels like someone stuck a dagger thru my chest I just want it to be over, I finally got a Facebook again lol oohh the little things


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## autopilot

HEIDI84 said:


> I finally got a Facebook again lol oohh the little things


Rejoice and be happy. That's called freedom and getting your life back!

What other things did he take away from you? Pick up and start doing and reinvesting in them once again. He held you hostage in your own life. Retake what he stole from you...your family, friends, and your happiness.


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## HEIDI84

Lol  I'm really trying here


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> My sister hasn't spoken to me in 5 yrs cuz of him my mom's dating a convicted sex offender but she says oh he's innocent ha yea right my kids dad jus disappeared 2 1/2 months ago, lost all my friends when I got with him no I have nobody I'm alone. He's still here tearing up our wedding pics saying cruel things my kids are upstairs sleeping our rooms downstairs I'm literally laying on the concrete floor in my laundry room hurting so much I don't know how to do this, it hurts so much more than I thought it would


Please stop for a moment and think about something. 

He is ripping up your wedding photos and saying mean things because he knows that it will get you upset.

Step back and look at him as if you are watching a movie (if he's not there, look at what went on in your mind's eye). Watch like a movie critic. He's playing a game.. he's manipulating you by saying those things. His purpose is to hurt you.

If you would stop crying and stop acting upset about this sick game, he could not hurt you. You have 100% control over how you react to him.

Another way to look at this is that he's like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. When my son was 2 he threw terrible tantrums. He's cry, scream, yell.. he spoke pretty well already so he'd try saying hurtful things. I discovered something interesting about when he would throw a tantrum. A tantrum needs an audience. So I got to where I would not say a word to him when he was throwing a tantrum. I'd just go to another room. After a few seconds, he would stop his tantrum. The tears would dry up and he's search the house for me. As soon as he found me, he walk up to me, throw himself on the ground at my feet and start crying, screaming and saying what he thought were mean things.

I'd just walk away. He'd follow.. and rinse and repeat. But over time he realized that I was not going to react to his tantrums. So he just stopped having them. What fun is a tantrum if he cannot get an audience and control me .... if he could not get me upset, get me crying and begging him to stop?

Your husband is acting like a 2 year old and you are acting like a mother that has no idea how to handle a kid's tantrum.

Ignore what your husband is saying. Get up off the floor, go to the master bedroom and lock the door. Put furniture in front of it if you need to.

He will follow you, he will bang on the door and yell threatening things. Call 911... stay on the phone and let them hear his threats.. their calls are recorded. Then let the police handle him. Do not come out of the master bedroom until the police are there to protect you.

You need to come to a point where you realize that the mean things he's saying are just a game. He wants to hurt and control you because he's a terrible person. And you let him do it. Stop letting him do it.


.


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## autopilot

HEIDI84 said:


> Lol  I'm really trying here


Above all, love yourself and your children.

You have a lot to offer. I saw those French-manicured nails (my favorite on my wife)in your otherwise grotesque photo. Take care of you with little things like that which make you feel happy and beautiful. If it's continuing to get in better physical shape, knock yourself out for your own well-being and improved self-worth. Don't even consider how he will think about it.

I've gotten to be pretty good at finding the silver lining in most every situation. You just have to look for the bright spots even in the darkest days because they are there. Dont' focus on the negatives but the positives.

When you must interact with him, make it as superficial and emotionless as possible. Simple and to the point. Don't give him the satisfaction of "owning you" any longer.


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## SoulCrushed16

HEIDI84 said:


> Ugh he's leaving now we had a bad fight his mom's coming to pick him up now


Change the locks! If he comes back make sure there's a police officer around that can assist him into getting his sh1t out of YOUR house. Do not allow this man back into yours and your kids' lives. He is dangerous and unpredictable. A 3 some is the LEAST of your worries. Also, do not make the mistake of mentioning that settlement check to him. If you two share a joint account then open up a new one and deposit it to where only you have access to it. Stop engaging him please!! You cannot allow yourself to be treated this way, your children are seeing this.


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## Diana7

he is a horrible sick man. He is probably pretending that he doesnt care. Get the locks changed and contact your sister.


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## HEIDI84

Thank u to everyone u guys got me thru the night


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## Blossom Leigh

How are you this morning @HEIDI84?


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## arbitrator

*I know that I'm late entering the fray, @HEIDI84 ~ But I'm of the opinion that you need to be in a lawyer's office immediately! This unhealthy relationship needs to be ended and you and the kids need to be out of that environment ASAP!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulCrushed16

Heidi,
How did you fair? Pleas let us know how you're doing.


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## HEIDI84

I'm sorry it's been a rough week but I'm hanging in there sticking to my guns, he's gone.


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## autopilot

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm sorry it's been a rough week but I'm hanging in there sticking to my guns, he's gone.


Expect that he will come crawling back claiming that he will change or that he's realized what he's done and will never do it again. Don't fall for that crap.

Do not recross that bridge with him. Stick to your convictions and move on with your life. To take him back after making the difficult decision to kick him out will only make things worse for your emotional well-being. So, completely disenfranchise yourself from him emotionally now that you've done so physically. Because, I promise that he will come back if for nothing else than a bootie call.


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## HEIDI84

We got into it pretty bad the morning he left, I'm almost embarrassed for the emotional state I was in the night I posted everything I'm never going back to him, he already is trying called a psychologist and made an appointment it's just too little too late


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## Cynthia

Please do some reading on the cycle of abuse.
Here is a site with a graphic showing the cycle. Cycle of Abuse
"HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims"


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## HEIDI84

I see it clearly now just couldn't then


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## Diana7

Please dont have him back, he is a serious abuser.


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## HEIDI84

. There's no coming back trust after Monday morning I was done!!! Sorry I'm doing laundry lighting in my basements not so good


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## HEIDI84

that's what I look like head to toe


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## happy2gether

call a women's shelter and get out with the kids NOW. Even if he has left, you need to as well. he can and will come back so the best bet is if you are no longer there.


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## Cynthia

Heidi, I greatly concerns me that you did not call 911 and that you haven't gotten a restraining order against him. This is serious stuff. 
It is not too late to file a report and to get a restraining order.
I recommend that you change the locks as soon as possible.


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## HEIDI84

I did not call the cops but I did call his probation officer after he put his hands on me Monday morning, he even did it in front of his mom that was first time he's done it in front of anyone and he told his mother and me he wanted to smash in my skull with a hammer. It was then I realized he needs more than just mental help he needs a brain transplant or to be locked away in a cage, I'm honestly not even sad now, I'm more embarrassed by my actions, the way I acted, and can't believe I was that blind and just stupid for not seeing him for what he really is


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## HEIDI84

The house is in my name, my mom's boyfriend changed my locks I have the borough police station like a block down from my house. And he doesn't have a license or a car, he's living with his mommy now, she actually called me last note begging me to take him back cuz she can't stand him lol I told her she's crazy, she created that monster not me so she can deal with it, I actually got a phone call from children n youth today asking to schedule a visit cuz she received an anonymous phone call.... I know it was him that called every time we fought he threatened to get my kids taken from me, I think he always felt jealous of them or like he was in a competition to be my number 1, because I was married before him to my kids father. And I had a hysterectomy last year and can't have more children


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## autopilot

HEIDI84 said:


> I did not call the cops but I did call his probation officer after he put his hands on me Monday morning, he even did it in front of his mom that was first time he's done it in front of anyone and he told his mother and me he wanted to smash in my skull with a hammer. It was then I realized he needs more than just mental help he needs a brain transplant or to be locked away in a cage, I'm honestly not even sad now, I'm more embarrassed by my actions, the way I acted, and can't believe I was that blind and just stupid for not seeing him for what he really is


You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You are an abused and battered wife who has lived through hell. The emotional and physical trauma he has put on you has caused you to morph into a shell to protect yourself emotionally. The physical part you've learned to deal with. You've learned to cope with the emotional trauma by minimizing his actions so that you can have some sense of sanity.

What you have done is normal for most people. They just turn inward and ignore the outward effects of the trauma which leads to effectual brain-washing of the victim.

Something clicked in your mind that brought you back to stark reality. Find out what it was that made you realize your need to get out of the relationship. You will likely need your own psychological counseling so that you can recognize the abusiveness and not be trapped into it again in a future relationship.

Another thing. You NEED to report the abuse. You've got the physical evidence and he could end up hurting or killing someone down the road unless he is forcibly made to stop by law enforcement through incarceration or a rehab facility.


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## Blossom Leigh

In some states there is only a four hour window to report domestic violence. 

What did his probation officer say?

I would recommend you calling the womens shelter and get confidential housing so that he cannot find you.


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## HEIDI84

If he ever shows up here I will call the cops, I did not get a pfa on him but I did get a no trespassing from the notary so he can't come on my property. Honestly I always thought he had a thing for his PO and vice versa, because my friends husband has the same probation officer and her husband failed his piss test the first time he was given one and she sent him right to jail well my husband has not only failed one, he's failed 4 since we were together, and also on 3 other occasions he has told her before he was given a test that he would fail. And she never even scolded him, she had his license suspended for an extra 6 months but only after he failed the 4th test. She told me it's best we have no communication, and said unless I call the police she can't do anything

@-->----


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## bandit.45

HEIDI84 said:


> I did not call the cops but I did call his probation officer after he put his hands on me Monday morning, he even did it in front of his mom that was first time he's done it in front of anyone and he told his mother and me he wanted to smash in my skull with a hammer. It was then I realized he needs more than just mental help he needs a brain transplant or to be locked away in a cage, I'm honestly not even sad now, I'm more embarrassed by my actions, the way I acted, and can't believe I was that blind and just stupid for not seeing him for what he really is




You call the cops when he does that. 

If his probation officer believes that he is a danger to himself or the public (you), that probation officer is duty bound to file a Petition to Revoke Probation and arrest him or put a probation hold on him if he is arrested for intimidating and threatening you. All the P.O. needs is for you to call the police and file a report and that is all he or she needs to file a revocation and haul him in.


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## Cynthia

Do you know why you don't call the police and file a report? I know this is common with abusive situations where the person being abused doesn't call. In your case, do you know what is holding you back? Do you understand the advantages of filing a report and how it can help you in the future?


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## JohnA

Early on I mentioned you needed to explore how your CSA as caused your life to go off track. I think a therapist would tell you that you are punishing yourself for being raped. 

I read years ago the odds of a woman becoming a stripper or escort, without a serious drug problem, who was not a victim of CSA was zero. Do not miminize the effect this has had on your choices. Your mother sounds toxic. Why is she with a convicted sex offender? One of the first steps tis to cut ties with those around you are toxic. 

How often do we accept that which we feel like we derserve? You are better than you can image. Listen to Elegirl and others. They been there and done that. They have the wounds and scars to prove it. Work on being a person you are pround ot. It is a process and a grid, just stay focused.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you all so much!! I don't call because I don't call cuz I don't want him to go to jail, I don't think that would help him, I want him and I both to be able to move on with our lives but separately and I so badly want him to get the help he needs. I really hope he sticks with the psychologist and follows thru with everything 

@-->----


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## HEIDI84

And my mom is toxic she comes around when she needs financial help

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## bandit.45

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you all so much!! I don't call because I don't call cuz I don't want him to go to jail, I don't think that would help him, I want him and I both to be able to move on with our lives but separately and I so badly want him to get the help he needs. I really hope he sticks with the psychologist and follows thru with everything
> 
> @-->----


He's going to hurt you if you don't. Your husband is an emotionally sick man and he needs to be somewhere where he cannot harm anyone. 

His PO has enormous power over him. The PO can order him to move out of your residence and into a shelter or some other residence. He can order your husband to report in to the probation office every day that he's not in jail...just to report, and maybe submit to a breathalyzer or urinalysis test. 

The PO can search your husband, his car, your house, any time he has reasonable suspicion and without a warrant. Your husband gave up a lot of his freedoms when he agreed to take probation. 

Get to know his PO. Use the court to your advantage. This is your safety we are talking about. You should have his PO's cell number in your phone. If you do not, get it programmed in.


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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you all so much!! I don't call because I don't call cuz I don't want him to go to jail, I don't think that would help him, I want him and I both to be able to move on with our lives but separately and I so badly want him to get the help he needs. I really hope he sticks with the psychologist and follows thru with everything
> 
> @-->----


You are not helping him by shielding him from the consequences of his actions. What you are doing is called enabling. This allows him to continue in his destructive ways. When he acts like that, it is self-destructive as well as being destructive to you and your children. Not calling the police also puts you at a disadvantage when it happens again, because you have no official record of his abuse. When you call, a pattern is established. He is held accountable.

Think about this. When you shield him from the consequences of his actions, it further erodes his self-control. This doesn't do him or anyone else any good. It feeds his sense of entitlement.


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## JohnA

Understand the root cause of his behavior is actually the same as your's. He lashes out while you accept it. I meant it earlier when I said his need to degrade you was based on his own inadequacies not your faults. I learned in early childhood the why a person said something is more important than the what. Always question the why. 

The answer of the why will give you the answer on to respond.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

bandit.45 said:


> He's going to hurt you if you don't. Your husband is an emotionally sick man and he needs to be somewhere where he cannot harm anyone.
> 
> His PO has enormous power over him. The PO can order him to move out of your residence and into a shelter or some other residence. He can order your husband to report in to the probation office every day that he's not in jail...just to report, and maybe submit to a breathalyzer or urinalysis test.
> 
> The PO can search your husband, his car, your house, any time he has reasonable suspicion and without a warrant. Your husband gave up a lot of his freedoms when he agreed to take probation.
> 
> Get to know his PO. Use the court to your advantage. This is your safety we are talking about. You should have his PO's cell number in your phone. If you do not, get it programmed in.


 She said the PO told her not to contact her again and call the police. Also that the PO lets him slide on tests. She needs to call the cops...period.

"Honestly I always thought he had a thing for his PO and vice versa, because my friends husband has the same probation officer and her husband failed his piss test the first time he was given one and she sent him right to jail well my husband has not only failed one, he's failed 4 since we were together, and also on 3 other occasions he has told her before he was given a test that he would fail. And she never even scolded him, she had his license suspended for an extra 6 months but only after he failed the 4th test. She told me it's best we have no communication, and said unless I call the police she can't do anything. "


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> We got into it pretty bad the morning he left, I'm almost embarrassed for the emotional state I was in the night I posted everything *I'm never going back to him*, he already is trying called a psychologist and made an appointment it's just too little too late


Be very careful of this conviction you have right now that you will never go back with him.

Sadly, I've heard so many men and women say that only to go back and again and again. When I was in a bad married I did that as well.

What I have learned is that it's up to YOU to protect that conviction. How do you protect it? You do not let him near you, you do not talk to him, just do not let him into your life in any way.

Do not talk to him on the phone or in person. You have cause to get a restraining order. Go get one. 

Without a restraining order you have no right to keep him out of the marital residence. It's his legal residence very bit as much as it is yours. It does not matter whose name is on the deed. 

There is a difference between who owns the home and who lives there. He lives there too.

So get that restraining order.

Do not anser the phone when he calls. Inform him by text that you will not talk to him any more. YOu two do not have any children together right? So you have no need at all to talk to him ever again. Inform him via a text message that he cannot contact you ever again. If he does you will report it was him stalking you. Tell him that he can only communicate with you via your attorney.

Or if you need to keep attorney costs down, tell him that he can only contact you via email and text. Then you take your sweet tim replying ... take hours/days to reply. And reply only if needed to finish the divorce. One of the reasons for taking time to reply is so that you do not make knee-jerk replies to the emotional drama he's going to be pouring out on you. Only reply to the items that are the business of divorce. And even that keep short.

Right now he's working the "I'm going to get help and be a better person/spouse" angle. If you do not fall for that, he will go to the angry man calling you names, insulting you, ect. He will escalate. That's why you ignore him.... he can live in that crazy hell of a head of his all by himself. You don't need it.

Protect yourself, end all contact with him. Get a restraining order now.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you all so much!! I don't call because I don't call cuz I don't want him to go to jail, I don't think that would help him, I want him and I both to be able to move on with our lives but separately and I so badly want him to get the help he needs. I really hope he sticks with the psychologist and follows thru with everything
> 
> @-->----


OK, you gave him this ONE chance.

If you comes around, harasses you or stalks you call the police. If it messes up his live more, that's on him not you.

To be honest, you should not be talking to him. You should not be listening to things like how he is going to a psychiatrist, what is going on with his PO, etc. Get out of his life by doing what I describe above. Until you cut all contact with him and his mother, this drama will not stop.

That notarized no trespass might not work out if he challenges it. Why? Because he’s lived at your house for years. Depending on the laws where you live, he might even have some ownership rights simply because you are married. For example he might have the right to half of the equity in the house since you two married. Usually it’s very hard for one spouse to evict the other from the martial home. Did you check with a lawyer about whether or not the do-not-trespass will hold up if he fights it?

Also, a do-not-trespass does not help you if he approaches you somewhere away from your home.


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## Mclane

What happened to your NECK?


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## HEIDI84

The pic is from January new years weekend got strangled with my scarf looks alot better now 

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## Blossom Leigh

Just a heads up. I worked with a guy who is married to a woman who was so severely abused by her ex husband that she ended up with broken legs in the hospital. After she left him, he stalked her and was threatening to kill her. One day she was walking in the front of her house when he jumped out of the bushes and tried to kill her right there in front of their house. Her brother who was there at the time stepped out on the front porch and shot him dead. Thank God he was there... I think that guy would have succeeded. Guys who abuse to the degree you have been abused are no joke. You need to take every precaution necessary to protect your life. You are lucky he didn't already kill you with the scarf incident. Picture yourself as a small child who needs protection. If you had a daughter who was five years old and had a scarf wrapped around her neck to choke her severely almost to death what would you do to keep her protected? THAT's how you need to view yourself.... as if you are that innocent child and you are the mother.


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## Mclane

HEIDI84 said:


> The pic is from January new years weekend got strangled with my scarf looks alot better now
> 
> @-->----


Was it an accident or did your abusive husband do it to you?

Because if it's the latter he should be in jail for attempted murder.


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## Blossom Leigh

The sad part.... her abuser was an ex Navy Seal... so it wouldn't have taken much to end her life. He was highly trained to do so.


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## AVR1962

This sounds much like my first marriage, he too wanted to swing and do 3-somes which I would not consider. He too had a hot temp. Slapped my face the first time when I was 8 months pg because I was crying and he said he wanted me to stop. The man ended up cheating on me repeatedly and all the while demanding sex from me and having physical tantrum if he did not get what he wanted when he wanted it. I finally caught him with his older lady love, he filed for divorce, asked me to wait for him claiming his affair was almost over. Got upset with me at the thought that I might date and told me that he would not accept me back if I did date which is incredible to think anyone can even think this way. I moved on with my life without him, I did not wait and I think this upset him. When we divorced he pretty much vanished for 2 years leaving me to care for our 2 daughters solely, he was not paying any child support. His older lady friend broke up with him and he was quickly with a girl who was barely legal age, poor thing. She wanted him to reunite with his children but when he did he was evil.....told the girls all kind of lies about me, us and our lives together to make me look bad and look like he had reason to leave. If I confronted him he would tell me the girls were lying and it would make things worse. The man is an absolute narcissist.

Lady, you need not only to leave but you need to get some serious counseling to figure out why you were attracted to this man and willing to please him. You need to find value in you and never have contact with this man again.


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## Blossom Leigh

Mclane said:


> Was it an accident or did your abusive husband do it to you?
> 
> Because if it's the latter he should be in jail for attempted murder.


Whole heartedly agree. Have you spoken to the cops about this incident and an attorney?


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## bankshot1993

HEIDI84 said:


> The pic is from January new years weekend got strangled with my scarf looks alot better now
> 
> @-->----


Heidi, just for clarification, you've mentioned a couple times about being strangled by the scarf, you haven't said how. Are you saying he strangled you with the scarf or that there was some kind of accident that resulted in you being strangled?


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## HEIDI84

He did as a result of intoxication and an argument we had

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## HEIDI84

It's over now, I'm trying hard not to look back, I agree at the time I should've called the cops, don't know why I didn't. But I know now if anything like that were to happen I would call, my days right now are filled with the gym while my kids are in school then filled with only my kids after school, and honestly I'm really enjoying this and so are they

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

But, HEIDI... I understand that Sweetie. What about the next woman he lays his hands on. He needs this on his record. I would at least call an attorney who specializes in cases like these, let him see the pictures and hear the story and let him advise you if anything can be done to affect this guy's record. Without a doubt, it should be affected to protect the next woman.... because there will be one. Please consider this path. BUT, bare minimum.... keep yourself VERY protected in every way possible. This guy is capable of murder.


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## Blossom Leigh

There is a thread here on TAM I want to recommend to you

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/127058-domestic-abuse.html

Click that link. That is the story of a woman who experienced horrific abuse, but chose to set herself free, much like what you are doing AND she is pressing charges. It took her a long time to get to that point and her story is nothing short of inspirational. 

Take good care of yourself today. Huge cyber hugs from me... an abuse survivor as well. You are lovable and deserve to be cherished, happy and safe. I will be praying for those things for you.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much, I'll check it out now 

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

You are very welcome.

Be mindful that it will be triggery for you. If you need someone to talk to reach out anytime.


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## HEIDI84

I'm feeling really good just went for a jog with my friend and threw my wedding bands in the Schuylkill river!! I feel like I'm really gonna make it this time!!! Now I just need a tattoo covered up

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

keep making steps forward... one at a time and when you feel the urge to go back, lean on someone who can walk that next step with you. Let's keep this train moving.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much for everything, this afternoon, I got a friend request from him on Facebook I denied it, then I got a private message from him it was a pic of messages between him n his ex gf, I felt sick to my stomach n hurt but then I called a friend n we hung out I blocked him on fb and now I just am disgusted by him n truly feel sorry for his ex but he's her problem now

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

Very Proud of YOU <3


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## HEIDI84

Thank you I can't talk to family or friends the way I can on here thank you so much for being there

@-->----


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## kristin2349

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm feeling really good just went for a jog with my friend and threw my wedding bands in the Schuylkill river!! I feel like I'm really gonna make it this time!!! Now I just need a tattoo covered up
> 
> @-->----


You should have pawned them, but it must have felt cleansing to throw them in the Schuylkill (You are in my neck of the woods):smile2:


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## HEIDI84

Lol it felt great when I divorced my first husband I threw our rings in the ocean in Atlantic city NJ, I could've pawned them but would be afraid if I'm down n out ID wanna buy them back plus after all the fights me n #2 hubby had n all the rings we went thru this set was jus silver with diamonds not white gold or yellow n they don't pay crap for them lol 

@-->----


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## Mclane

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm feeling really good just went for a jog with my friend and threw my wedding bands in the Schuylkill river!!


That was rather reckless. All those places looking to buy gold you could have sold them and used the money for something special. 

Unless of course you don't need the money.


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## HEIDI84

Lol I need the $ of course, a lil reckless yes I am  I always act first think later 

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

whats your next move?


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## HEIDI84

Ugh.. If only I knew,my friend wants to take me out dancing this wkend but I'm not rdy for that

@-->----


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## HEIDI84

Honestly I have no desire to "hook up" with anyone or even hang out

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

Yea, I would stay away from men right now... as vulnerable as you are that just opens you up for unnecessary risk right now. So, great thought to refrain.

I think focusing on small things that make you feel that with each one you are moving forward. Talking here, cleaning out a closet, purging a drawer, calling an attorney, does your home belong to you, solely in your name or maybe a lease with only your name on it?


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## HEIDI84

Yes I bought this house after I left my first husband it's only in my name. I feel best when I'm with my kids n some ppl just don't understand I guess I went thru the whole bar thing after my first divorce n honestly it didn't help if anything it hurt me more

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

HEIDI84 said:


> Yes I bought this house after I left my first husband it's only in my name. I feel best when I'm with my kids n some ppl just don't understand I guess I went thru the whole bar thing after my first divorce n honestly it didn't help if anything it hurt me more
> 
> @-->----


Good on both fronts. VERY glad there are no legal issues with the house. Do you work?


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## HEIDI84

No I broke my foot at work 4 yrs ago, just had my 4th foot surgery Jan 13th







my last x-ray lol pretty huh

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

Oh my word. So sorry you were injured... Gracious.

Are you set with money to support yourself?


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## HEIDI84

Waiting on disability back pay but I have other income n child support to get thru till then

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

I'm glad you dont have to depend on anyone for that.

How are you feeling?


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## HEIDI84

I'm feeling really well. Thank you for asking  how are you tonight? 

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

Doing really good too


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> It's over now, I'm trying hard not to look back, I agree at the time I should've called the cops, don't know why I didn't. But I know now if anything like that were to happen I would call, my days right now are filled with the gym while my kids are in school then filled with only my kids after school, and honestly I'm really enjoying this and so are they
> 
> @-->----


Where your children there when he strangled you with the scarf? Did they see it?

How much of the physical abuse, loud/angry outbursts have they witnessed?

I ask because of course they need to be protected from never being around this. But they also need to be taught what to do if they see it going on.... they need to know you would expect/want them to call 911.


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## EleGirl

Your next move?

Have you found a counselor yet? I'd say getting into counseling for domestic abuse would help you quite a bit.

Also, have you considered protecting any valuables in your home just in case he decides to get them while you are out of the house? I've seen this done many times. IT's pretty predictable actually. He could use the excuse of getting his stuff and taking things of yours as well. Things to protect (move out of the house to a storage place for a while) include valuables, originals of all legal papers, personal info like birth certificates, financial records.


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## EleGirl

It does sound like you are doing pretty good right now. Just keep it up. One day at a time.


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## JohnA

Whoa, this friend he needs to stay rooted in the friend zone, so no dancing. I have notice many woman who have been though what you have are drawn to broken guys who treat them the same. You need to get to a place where you have a self respect that demands respect from a spouse and reacts without hesitation when a spouse fails to do so. 

Before his TV shows Dr Drew had a very thoughtful radio show. He once made the comment that abusers and those who where prone to being abused seemed to have a built in radar for each other.


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## Blossom Leigh

JohnA said:


> Whoa, this friend he needs to stay rooted in the friend zone, so no dancing. I have notice many woman who have been though what you have are drawn to broken guys who treat them the same. You need to get to a place where you have a self respect that demands respect from a spouse and reacts without hesitation when a spouse fails to do so.
> 
> Before his TV shows Dr Drew had a very thoughtful radio show. He once made the comment that abusers and those who where prone to being abused seemed to have a built in radar for each other.


I know from early on I was conditioned to accept it, being born into it. I think thats how many of us end up in these relationships. Its been a very long road slogging my way out of it. I get super excited when I see other women get there faster than I did.


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## HEIDI84

I know it's way to early I was just feeling a little down last night and remembered this guy who works at my local adult store told me a few wks ago if I'm ever not married let him know, don't know what made me go their last night, I "needed new batteries" lol and he was working we exchanged numbers stayed up late texting and he wants to hangout tonight, this is my problem I go from relationship to relationship, went from 10yrs with my first husband to being single maybe a month met my second husband for 5 yrs, n now already thinking about, hanging out with this dude, I know it's wrong and emotionally my heart is broken but my way of getting over it, is filling my time with someone else. I really don't know much about this guy except he's a single dad where he works and his first name. 

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

I know.

Its a pattern that needs to be broken. If you were to choose an alternative, what would it be?


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## Cynthia

I don't know what to say. You already know that seeking out another man is not going to help you. You are seeking validation from people who are not healthy people to be around. They cannot validate you. Having sex with you is not real validation anyway.


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## HEIDI84

I told him about 2 hrs ago, I couldn't get a babysitter. I was driving myself crazy about what was the right thing to do. I don't know if I've ever been single longer than a few wks since I was 16, this is all new. And my ex has been blowing up my phone all night with texts I'm going crazy ugh :/

@-->----


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## JohnA

It is a patten that needs to be broken and the only person able to do so is you. Ten years ago I knew a woman who was similar to you. At one point I called a womans shelter and begged for help for her. I though there response was cold and indifferent. They said point blank they could not help. Not because they didn't have space or they didn't want to. The problem was her refusal to address her issues of why she felt SHE deserved to be with man like her husband. 

So, here I am today repeating the samething to you. Why do you think you deserve to continue to accept a life that is demeaning? Really, a guy working in an adult entertaiment store says to you "If you were not married" is worth your time of day? The hardest thing to do is self improvement. Be with people and organizations that are what you want to be. 

Elegirl provided you with reams of good advise. Did you think she just read a book and posted what she remembered? Blossom Has been providing guidance from her first post. Do you think she just read some books? I suspect I might be the only poster who has not been personally subjected to or witness first hand your experience, but I have seen the aftermath. 

Day by day, each decsion one at a time.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you, your right. Honestly I thank you for your honesty, I see where your coming from. I know I need to work on myself I see my family Dr Monday and from their I'm hoping she can tell me where to start. My biggest fears are either filling the void with someone else, being weak n taking him back or self medicating and relapsing it's been awhile since I've been to a meeting n I don't like taking my kids with me to one. I'm trying to fight this all by myself it's so hard, it's so easy for me to make excuses to do one of the three things im trying not to do

@-->----


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## JohnA

I do not know anything about the guy you mentioned. But given your past experiences and your description of him I immediately thought great another wanna be stud. I understand the underlining needs that haunt you. They are real but end up in twisted choices by your past. I suggested your rape at a very young age (CSA) as part of the root of your choices. What eise happened in your childhood? What was your family life like?


----------



## HEIDI84

My dad was an alcoholic, he was a pot farmer lol my mom didnt drink just used prescription pills, i remember when i was 10 the dr gave me cough syrup with codeine n my dad use to take it lock it in his gun cabinet n buy me cough med from the store, only used drugs with him one time that was right before he died he died when I was 17, I dropped out of school at 17, was in rehab at 18, went back to school got my GED met my first husband started using drugs again stopped right before my first child then after my 2nd child got tired of him cheating n left him got really heavy into pain killers met my 2nd husband started using coke n meth with him n my mother n have a hard time staying straight since it's been 2 months since I relapsed

@-->----


----------



## HEIDI84

I guess I kinda sound like the biggest pos after saying all that, I'm just being honest. Those 4 foot surgeries in past 3 1/2 yrs didn't help my sobriety any either 

@-->----


----------



## Blossom Leigh

What are you going to do to break these addiction cycles, not only relationship addiction, but substance addiction? And not only for yourself but your kids. 

The alternative to self destruction is self construction. So if your inclination is to self destruct through men and substances, what are constructive alternatives to both of those?


----------



## JohnA

No you do not sound like a pos. You sound like a person who is extremely self destructive. You sound like a person who was never in a stable enviroment growing up and rarely since then. I think if you had an honest check list of your mother behavior and compared it to your's you would be horrified. 

I think there is only one person who can push to change this, you. 

Every one of Elegirl's suggestions were pointing out place and how to achieve this. You are drifting waiting to fail yet again. You it seems like I am making assumptions I couldn't have a basis to know, I do. I do because if you were not drifting you would be posting about one of those suggestions, explaining what actions you have taken, and asking for feedback. I am being blunt, and I sense I have stepped way over the line. But your life does not have to be the way it is.

Be well.


----------



## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you, your right. Honestly I thank you for your honesty, I see where your coming from. I know I need to work on myself I see my family Dr Monday and from their I'm hoping she can tell me where to start. My biggest fears are either filling the void with someone else, being weak n taking him back or self medicating and relapsing it's been awhile since I've been to a meeting n I don't like taking my kids with me to one. I'm trying to fight this all by myself it's so hard, it's so easy for me to make excuses to do one of the three things im trying not to do
> 
> @-->----


Where to start? You start by calling the hotline and finding an organization in your area that provides counseling for women (and men) in your situation. Your family doctor probably has no clue what's out there because family docs are about physical health.

I gave you the national hotline so that if you don't know what is available in your area they can help you find a place. You could also search on the internet for domestic abuse support/counseling in your city.

If you get into a good counseling program, you will not be going through this alone. Years ago, when I needed help, the organization I went to provided both individual counseling and group counseling... for free.

I met a woman in the group who was dealing with the same things I was. She also had 3 kids around the age of my son. We became each other's major support through our divorces. Today, 21 years later, our kids are adults and we are still best friends, there for each other through everything.

You seem to be avoiding the one thing that will most likely be the best thing for you... forming a support system with people who can help you through this and help you fix some things about yourself that need to be fixed. I wonder why that is? I think this is something you really need to think about ... why are you ignoring and avoiding this?


----------



## EleGirl

One of the most important things I learned in couseling at the domestic abuse/violence center I learned during my intake session.

During the intake, the counselor asked me what I hoped to get out of the counseling. I told her that I wanted to figure out what was broken about me that I picked an abusive man to marry.

Her reply sort of shocked me. She said that I did not pick him. He picked me. Abusers pick their victims by elimination. They can come off as very charming at first but, over time they test the person that they are dating to see if that person will put up with abuse. At first it was an occasional small put down. And of course over the term of our relationship/marriage it got to the point where the verbal abuse escalated to the point that he never had anything good to say about me and even to the point of physical abuse.

The problem was that I had weak boundaries. So with weak boundaries I kept making excuses and even changing my self to fix whatever his latest little snide remark was about. Of course all the women he'd dated in the past dumped his sorry behind the first time he made those types of remarks because they have good boundaries. See he picked me because I was the last stupid woman standing after all the other, emotionally healthy women he dated dumped him when he pulled his abusive nonsense.

Here is an example healthy boundary: *"I will not date a man who picks on my appearance, tries to change me, and belittles me. I will dump his behind the first time it happens." * See a boundary is about what YOU will do.. it's not telling him that he cannot emotionally or physclaly ause you, boundaries are about the action that you will taken if the other person does something offensive.

Maybe another thing you could do is get a good book or two on how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. Just setting boundaries and keeping them can completely alter your life.

Let's take a look at this current "friend" of yours. 

You go to the adult store to bet batteries for your toy. Don't they sell batteries that fit it at the drug store, grocery story, Walmart, etc?

Instead you go to an adult store a joke around with the guy behind the counter about it. Sort of inappropriate behavior for a married woman. So there is one boundary that you might want to look at developing.. "No talking/joking like that with random men you meet in stores." Why? Because you are vulnerable to abusive predators. By opening up and joking/talking like this with the guy you may as well hang a sign on you that says "I have no healthy boundaries and am shopping for the next abuser in my life."

You are flattered by this guy flirting with you? He works in an adult store, he probably flirts with every woman who is willing to flirt back. But most of those woman probably do not take him up in his ofter.

Flag #2.. he said that if you were ever not married. Well you are married. Sure you are thinking about divorce but you have not even filed for divorce yet. Legally you are married. But he's the kind of guy who will have an affair with a married woman. So there is another boundary you need. "I will not engage in an affair while married." and another "I will not date a man who is willing to have an affair with a married woman." If he will help you cheat on your husband, he will cheat on you.

Another boundary that you need is that you need to put a protective circle around yourself. You have a lot of healing to do emotionally... that's healing from the abuse in your childhood and healing from at least 2 bad marriages. It's going to take you months, maybe a couple of years. To protect yourself, you need to avoid dating. The absolute worse thing you could do right now is be involved with another man. 

I'm not trying to beat up on you. I'm trying to get you to grasp what is so obvious from what you are writing here. You really have very little control of your own life and you need to do some serious work for emotional health, for setting personal boundaries, etc.

You need a counselor who knows how to help you through this.


----------



## AVR1962

EliGirl's advise above is excellent. I too went into counseling wondering why I was the one always blamed and why I ended up with these abusive men too. My dad would tell me that I sure picked some winners (fingers pointed). I found out that I wasn't picking them, they were choosing me and what they saw in me was a willingness to endure their BS, a compassionate person who would bend over backwards for another person which is not a back trait but I learned that instead of taking it I had to be a great deal firmer on not allowing these things in my life, not accepting what I should not accept and getting away from some people. I also learned that this was something created in my childhood, you see I was the scapegoat in my family and when I first learned all the dynamics in my family and my role I was angry and hurt but then I learned to accept this was just the way it was and I had to learn to live beyond this and change things so that I was no longer the scapegoat for anyone else.

When my first husband wanted to swing and do 3-somes I was not strong and I did not stand up to him. He would say, "Oh, it would be fun for us both" and was trying to convince me but I was not convinced yet I didn't stand up to him and tell him that this behavior was unacceptable. He tried to have sex with my sister and again I said nothing. Just 10 days after our divorce I met an older man that I felt had come to my rescue and I thought he was a wonderful man. He had a steady job which was something my first husband would not do, is hold a job so this was the first time I was showered with financial help and gifts. he took to my kids and my ex had shown no interest in them. Unfortunately he was a jealous man, very controlling and abusive. Once he got me where he wanted me he started making strange comments about me having my priorities mixed up, he wanted to know where I was at all times, questioned why I wasn't home when he expected me, wanted my children in bed by 8 pm and felt that he could spank their bare butt. If I stood up for myself he would twist my twists til I fell to the floor and would tell me that he knew people who he could pay to kill someone. That was a hard one to get out of. He tracked me down, spied on me, followed me, threatened me, picked my kids up at the bus stop and asked them questions, raided my trash can to get information. I ended up putting 2 restraining orders on the man and leaving the state.

You'd think I would have learned but I had not done the work on myself at that point. While I was still trying to get away from the last guy I met another man who I thought was a gentleman. All I was looking for was to be in love and be with someone that treated me well but I passed up the red flags yet again. I made excuses for his behavior. I thought understanding and compassion was what he needed, he only used and abused it. I did not want to put my kids thru another divorce so I stayed but have been miserable and now at 53 I am no longer that young vibrant person I used to be. 

I am reading a real good book right now and in it it tells you what a good relationship looks like, a check list. Here is a shortened list from the book:
1- Is he kind and compassionate?
2- Is he committed to you?
3-Is he capable of genuine empathy?
4- Is he willing to work thru problems?
5- Does he have self interests and hobbies?
6- Are your values similar?
7- Do you share common interests?
8- Does he want to be your best friend and soulmate?
9- Is he in touch with his own feelings?
10- Can this person handle ambivalence and is not too rigid about failure?
11- Does he add to your soul life?
12- Does this person bring out the best in you?
13- Is this person authentic?
14- Is this person capable of loving you in a healthy way?
15- Do you feel good about you in his presence.

Some of those can easily look differently in the beginning of a relationship and I think it is because these are what we want and we want to see in a person so if we see a red flag we want to feel good to be able to work it thru and forgive but it is those red flags that we have to heed. We have to have love and respect for ourselves and we have to realize we have self worth.


----------



## HEIDI84

AVR1962 said:


> EliGirl's advise above is excellent. I too went into counseling wondering why I was the one always blamed and why I ended up with these abusive men too. My dad would tell me that I sure picked some winners (fingers pointed). I found out that I wasn't picking them, they were choosing me and what they saw in me was a willingness to endure their BS, a compassionate person who would bend over backwards for another person which is not a back trait but I learned that instead of taking it I had to be a great deal firmer on not allowing these things in my life, not accepting what I should not accept and getting away from some people. I also learned that this was something created in my childhood, you see I was the scapegoat in my family and when I first learned all the dynamics in my family and my role I was angry and hurt but then I learned to accept this was just the way it was and I had to learn to live beyond this and change things so that I was no longer the scapegoat for anyone else.
> 
> When my first husband wanted to swing and do 3-somes I was not strong and I did not stand up to him. He would say, "Oh, it would be fun for us both" and was trying to convince me but I was not convinced yet I didn't stand up to him and tell him that this behavior was unacceptable. He tried to have sex with my sister and again I said nothing. Just 10 days after our divorce I met an older man that I felt had come to my rescue and I thought he was a wonderful man. He had a steady job which was something my first husband would not do, is hold a job so this was the first time I was showered with financial help and gifts. he took to my kids and my ex had shown no interest in them. Unfortunately he was a jealous man, very controlling and abusive. Once he got me where he wanted me he started making strange comments about me having my priorities mixed up, he wanted to know where I was at all times, questioned why I wasn't home when he expected me, wanted my children in bed by 8 pm and felt that he could spank their bare butt. If I stood up for myself he would twist my twists til I fell to the floor and would tell me that he knew people who he could pay to kill someone. That was a hard one to get out of. He tracked me down, spied on me, followed me, threatened me, picked my kids up at the bus stop and asked them questions, raided my trash can to get information. I ended up putting 2 restraining orders on the man and leaving the state.
> 
> You'd think I would have learned but I had not done the work on myself at that point. While I was still trying to get away from the last guy I met another man who I thought was a gentleman. All I was looking for was to be in love and be with someone that treated me well but I passed up the red flags yet again. I made excuses for his behavior. I thought understanding and compassion was what he needed, he only used and abused it. I did not want to put my kids thru another divorce so I stayed but have been miserable and now at 53 I am no longer that young vibrant person I used to be.
> 
> I am reading a real good book right now and in it it tells you what a good relationship looks like, a check list. Here is a shortened list from the book:
> 1- Is he kind and compassionate?
> 2- Is he committed to you?
> 3-Is he capable of genuine empathy?
> 4- Is he willing to work thru problems?
> 5- Does he have self interests and hobbies?
> 6- Are your values similar?
> 7- Do you share common interests?
> 8- Does he want to be your best friend and soulmate?
> 9- Is he in touch with his own feelings?
> 10- Can this person handle ambivalence and is not too rigid about failure?
> 11- Does he add to your soul life?
> 12- Does this person bring out the best in you?
> 13- Is this person authentic?
> 14- Is this person capable of loving you in a healthy way?
> 15- Do you feel good about you in his presence.
> 
> Some of those can easily look differently in the beginning of a relationship and I think it is because these are what we want and we want to see in a person so if we see a red flag we want to feel good to be able to work it thru and forgive but it is those red flags that we have to heed. We have to have love and respect for ourselves and we have to realize we have self worth.


I appreciate advice from all of you, I feel like our stories are very similar, my husband put me thru all the same I wasn't allowed any social media, friends, family his sister's spied on me for him he tried to be dad to both my kids n would get upset when we fought to see how quickly my kids turned against him n hated him. He controlled everything from what I wore, but when he put me down or said mean things I kept changing for him n I notice I'm still doing that. I didn't have to make excuses for him when he hit me, he made them and I just sat back n excepted it. Your all right why do I have such a hard time taking the first step to get help? I'm gonna take all of your advice and make some calls, and make a change. I know I'm alot like my mother I don't want to be, shes so afraid of being alone she's dating a violent sex offender if I posted his name for everyone to Google you would be sick as to what it says, I hate her for that. 

@-->----


----------



## HEIDI84

EleGirl said:


> One of the most important things I learned in couseling at the domestic abuse/violence center I learned during my intake session.
> 
> During the intake, the counselor asked me what I hoped to get out of the counseling. I told her that I wanted to figure out what was broken about me that I picked an abusive man to marry.
> 
> Her reply sort of shocked me. She said that I did not pick him. He picked me. Abusers pick their victims by elimination. They can come off as very charming at first but, over time they test the person that they are dating to see if that person will put up with abuse. At first it was an occasional small put down. And of course over the term of our relationship/marriage it got to the point where the verbal abuse escalated to the point that he never had anything good to say about me and even to the point of physical abuse.
> 
> The problem was that I had weak boundaries. So with weak boundaries I kept making excuses and even changing my self to fix whatever his latest little snide remark was about. Of course all the women he'd dated in the past dumped his sorry behind the first time he made those types of remarks because they have good boundaries. See he picked me because I was the last stupid woman standing after all the other, emotionally healthy women he dated dumped him when he pulled his abusive nonsense.
> 
> Here is an example healthy boundary: *"I will not date a man who picks on my appearance, tries to change me, and belittles me. I will dump his behind the first time it happens." * See a boundary is about what YOU will do.. it's not telling him that he cannot emotionally or physclaly ause you, boundaries are about the action that you will taken if the other person does something offensive.
> 
> Maybe another thing you could do is get a good book or two on how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. Just setting boundaries and keeping them can completely alter your life.
> 
> Let's take a look at this current "friend" of yours.
> 
> You go to the adult store to bet batteries for your toy. Don't they sell batteries that fit it at the drug store, grocery story, Walmart, etc?
> 
> Instead you go to an adult store a joke around with the guy behind the counter about it. Sort of inappropriate behavior for a married woman. So there is one boundary that you might want to look at developing.. "No talking/joking like that with random men you meet in stores." Why? Because you are vulnerable to abusive predators. By opening up and joking/talking like this with the guy you may as well hang a sign on you that says "I have no healthy boundaries and am shopping for the next abuser in my life."
> 
> You are flattered by this guy flirting with you? He works in an adult store, he probably flirts with every woman who is willing to flirt back. But most of those woman probably do not take him up in his ofter.
> 
> Flag #2.. he said that if you were ever not married. Well you are married. Sure you are thinking about divorce but you have not even filed for divorce yet. Legally you are married. But he's the kind of guy who will have an affair with a married woman. So there is another boundary you need. "I will not engage in an affair while married." and another "I will not date a man who is willing to have an affair with a married woman." If he will help you cheat on your husband, he will cheat on you.
> 
> Another boundary that you need is that you need to put a protective circle around yourself. You have a lot of healing to do emotionally... that's healing from the abuse in your childhood and healing from at least 2 bad marriages. It's going to take you months, maybe a couple of years. To protect yourself, you need to avoid dating. The absolute worse thing you could do right now is be involved with another man.
> 
> I'm not trying to beat up on you. I'm trying to get you to grasp what is so obvious from what you are writing here. You really have very little control of your own life and you need to do some serious work for emotional health, for setting personal boundaries, etc.
> 
> You need a counselor who knows how to help you through this.


I have alot of work ahead and I appreciate you all helping do I start with making calls or looking up counseling?

@-->----


----------



## Blossom Leigh

I would start with the domestic violence hotline.


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## HEIDI84

Even if I'm not in danger now? I won't get anyone in trouble if I call?

@-->----


----------



## AVR1962

HEIDI84 said:


> I appreciate advice from all of you, I feel like our stories are very similar, my husband put me thru all the same I wasn't allowed any social media, friends, family his sister's spied on me for him he tried to be dad to both my kids n would get upset when we fought to see how quickly my kids turned against him n hated him. He controlled everything from what I wore, but when he put me down or said mean things I kept changing for him n I notice I'm still doing that. I didn't have to make excuses for him when he hit me, he made them and I just sat back n excepted it. Your all right why do I have such a hard time taking the first step to get help? I'm gonna take all of your advice and make some calls, and make a change. I know I'm alot like my mother I don't want to be, shes so afraid of being alone she's dating a violent sex offender if I posted his name for everyone to Google you would be sick as to what it says, I hate her for that.
> 
> @-->----


It's okay, really. Tiny steps. I know it is not comfortable, I sure get that. The doubt that you feel, questioning yourself, thinking that all you need to do is comply, wondering why everyone else can stay married and wondering if there is something wrong with you or if everyone goes thru this and other women are better at handling it. I get it. I have so been there. I am now divorcing my husband after 27 years of being with this man who has had more interest in other women than he has ever had in me. Someone who has not been supportive, a person who acts like I do not even exist. 

Getting myself free from this has been like try to twisting over-grown tree roots from the ground. I got to the point that I was feeling so much pain. Life with this man was all about being in the same house while he clicked out of windows on the computer and spent hours on the phone playing games all the while never saying a word to me. I continued to cook, felt obligated. I did the laundry, again felt obligated. I was home after work rather than hitting the gym or something for me. Then one day I woke up and asked myself "WHY?" Why am I doing all this for a man who acts like he couldn't give a darn. What was he going to do divorce me? That would bring me my freedom!! You see how embedded our thought process becomes?

You might have to just leave and find a safe place for you and your kids, file a restraining order and file for divorce. Could you do that without the help of another man? Do you have family or friends who could help you out temporarily?


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## Blossom Leigh

No, it can be done anonymously.


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## HEIDI84

He left a few days ago he's been staying at his mother's in a different county, not gonna lie it's been rough, I'm 31 and I feel like I'm 18 on my own for the first time and add two kids to the mix makes it even more difficult. I know I'm doing the right thing just wish it wasn't so hard

@-->----


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## HEIDI84

Blossom Leigh said:


> No, it can be done anonymously.


Thank you

@-->----


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## AVR1962

HEIDI84 said:


> He left a few days ago he's been staying at his mother's in a different county, not gonna lie it's been rough, I'm 31 and I feel like I'm 18 on my own for the first time and add two kids to the mix makes it even more difficult. I know I'm doing the right thing just wish it wasn't so hard
> 
> @-->----


Good! It is good that he is not there right now. 

Do you have a job?


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## HEIDI84

No I do not, I'm waiting on back pay for a work injury but I so get child support and I sell things on ebay

@-->----


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## AVR1962

HEIDI84 said:


> No I do not, I'm waiting on back pay for a work injury but I so get child support and I sell things on ebay
> 
> @-->----


Good!!! I really hope you can find a way to free yourself from this situation. This is no way to live. The thing too is there are children in this home being exposed to how you are being treated and that could be sending a bad message to the children. A girl might see this is how men treat women and find herself in your exact same situation as she gets older. A boy might role model after your husband and treat his wife poorly. You do not want this for your children. You have to think about what is best for them too.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Even if I'm not in danger now? I won't get anyone in trouble if I call?
> 
> @-->----


Yes, even if you are not in immediate danger.

You can tell them that you are married to a guy who has been very emotionally abusive and physically abusive. Right now he's out of the house. But you need help for serveral reasons. One is that there is always that chance that he will come around and harass you or even move back in. He is harassing you via text at this time right? Plus you need their help because you have zero friends and support system. So you are in very diar need to get into couseling and get help.. you are so afraid that he will sweet talk you back.

At this time you are in the calm of the cycle of abuse. You have no idea what he might throw your way. Plus you are extremely vulnerable to guys like the one from the porn shop. So you need a support system.

The hot line is not just a number you call when your are in the middle of dangerous fight/attack and need to escape.. actually you dial 911 for that. They are a hotline to help you find the resources you need to get strong and fix yourself so you can fix your life.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Even if I'm not in danger now? I won't get anyone in trouble if I call?
> 
> @-->----





Blossom Leigh said:


> No, it can be done anonymously.


Here is their contact info. You don’t have to wait until a week day. They are there 24/7.. with phone and chat.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help

1 800 799 7233.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> No I do not, I'm waiting on back pay for a work injury but I so get child support and I sell things on ebay
> 
> @-->----


Are you getting any kind of public assistance? It sounds like you might quality.


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## Cynthia

The first thing is to stop focusing on how you might mess up and start focusing on what you are doing to change your situation. You are off to a good start now with the information you have received here. Call that hotline number now, if you haven't already called.




HEIDI84 said:


> He left a few days ago he's been staying at his mother's in a different county, not gonna lie it's been rough, I'm 31 and I feel like I'm 18 on my own for the first time and add two kids to the mix makes it even more difficult. I know I'm doing the right thing just wish it wasn't so hard
> 
> @-->----


What is more difficult now that having him breathing down your neck. I would think that you feel a sense of relief. It's not like he was caring for the children and doing anything around the house. It is easier without him there.


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## JohnA

Hi @Hiedi184

I saw your comment on who your mother is dating. She is toxic and cannot trusted around you or your children. I also think that sadly she accepts him because she thinks she cannot do better. In addition she feels his conviction will bind him cower to her as she is as good as he can get.


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## HEIDI84

I called last nite, they gave me #s for places to call or visit for help that are local to me, I was able to remain anonymous but I felt like she kept trying to get more out of me. I am calling one of the places this morning but I was also told till I receive my ssi back pay I qualify for Cao help with food and liheap so I'm going over to Cao this morning to fill out an application, this is a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly thank you all, I don't think I've changed into real clothes for about a week or wore make up lol so I'm gonna quit feeling sry for myself n just get up n go do it

@-->----


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## HEIDI84

JohnA said:


> Hi @Hiedi184
> 
> I saw your comment on who your mother is dating. She is toxic and cannot trusted around you or your children. I also think that sadly she accepts him because she thinks she cannot do better. In addition she feels his conviction will bind him cower to her as she is as good as he can get.


My mother truly makes me sick now she spent 18yrs with my dad till he died within 6months met n married my stepdad, honestly my stepdad was the best father n grandfather to my kids I could ever ask for!! He passed away 6 years ago too also to cancer, n then my mom met this douche decided not to tell us of his conviction from 2011, till about a year ago, I hated her for it, she brought him around me n my children, I called his PO, and I guess it stirred up alot of problems for him n she wouldn't speak to me for awhile. She insists he's innocent n was set up, do innocent men get charged serve 18 months in jail, have their computers seized, and over 100 hrs of webcam footage from hidden cameras in an 11yr old girls bedroom who happened to be the daughter of his previous gf, why would they find chloroform in his house? He says he ordered it yrs ago for cleaning guns, then why did he dispose of it before cops came to take it for evidence I don't buy it, and I think it's wrong for someone like that to live a normal life. Ugh makes me sick, and my license is suspended I still drive anyway but my mom is constantly begging me to let him give me rides hell no.

@-->----


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## HEIDI84

EleGirl said:


> Here is their contact info. You don’t have to wait until a week day. They are there 24/7.. with phone and chat.
> 
> The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help
> 
> 1 800 799 7233.


Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!! 

@-->----


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## Blossom Leigh

PROUD of you for making that call.


----------



## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> I called last nite, they gave me #s for places to call or visit for help that are local to me, I was able to remain anonymous but I felt like she kept trying to get more out of me. I am calling one of the places this morning but I was also told till I receive my ssi back pay I qualify for Cao help with food and liheap so I'm going over to Cao this morning to fill out an application, this is a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly thank you all, I don't think I've changed into real clothes for about a week or wore make up lol so I'm gonna quit feeling sry for myself n just get up n go do it


Good start. Do you have a list of what to do? If you are focused on completing the items on your list and on caring for your children, it will be much easier to keep moving forward and away from the toxic elements of your life. This is as much for your children as it is for you. I'm sure you don't want them to grow up in a toxic environment. You can break free.
Please keep us updated on what you are doing to move forward, so we can encourage you on this journey.
Something to add to your to do list: block porno guy from your phone and never go back to that store. Batteries are sold at many other places and are probably cheaper at the grocery store.


----------



## HEIDI84

CynthiaDe said:


> Good start. Do you have a list of what to do? If you are focused on completing the items on your list and on caring for your children, it will be much easier to keep moving forward and away from the toxic elements of your life. This is as much for your children as it is for you. I'm sure you don't want them to grow up in a toxic environment. You can break free.
> Please keep us updated on what you are doing to move forward, so we can encourage you on this journey.
> Something to add to your to do list: block porno guy from your phone and never go back to that store. Batteries are sold at many other places and are probably cheaper at the grocery store.


I'm heading to domestic relations with my mom, and I had to giggle I just read your post about the batteries lol your completely right not only is "porno guy" not right for me he text me this morning n said he was strung out n stuck at work was wondering if I could find him a "pick me up" and he doesn't even know I'm an addict, I didn't respond to his text. I can definitely see what everyone is saying. I went to my county assistance office this morning applied for snap and liheap,I should know something in 5 days, I'm going now to Domestics to see if I can raise my support I haven't raised it in 8 yrs. My next step find a counselor, a babysitter from care.com and attend Na meetings a few nights a week just try to stay busy

@-->----


----------



## Blossom Leigh

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm heading to domestic relations with my mom, and I had to giggle I just read your post about the batteries lol your completely right not only is "porno guy" not right for me he text me this morning n said he was strung out n stuck at work was wondering if I could find him a "pick me up" and he doesn't even know I'm an addict, I didn't respond to his text. I can definitely see what everyone is saying. I went to my county assistance office this morning applied for snap and liheap,I should know something in 5 days, I'm going now to Domestics to see if I can raise my support I haven't raised it in 8 yrs. My next step find a counselor, a babysitter from care.com and attend Na meetings a few nights a week just try to stay busy
> 
> @-->----


This focus rocks Girl....


Big cheerleader over here..


----------



## HEIDI84

Lol love it n <3 u guyz!!!

@-->----


----------



## bandit.45

Do you have a sponsor for NA yet? If not make sure you get one quickly.


----------



## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm heading to domestic relations with my mom, and I had to giggle I just read your post about the batteries lol your completely right not only is "porno guy" not right for me he text me this morning n said he was strung out n stuck at work was wondering if I could find him a "pick me up" and he doesn't even know I'm an addict, I didn't respond to his text. I can definitely see what everyone is saying. I went to my county assistance office this morning applied for snap and liheap,I should know something in 5 days, I'm going now to Domestics to see if I can raise my support I haven't raised it in 8 yrs. My next step find a counselor, a babysitter from care.com and attend Na meetings a few nights a week just try to stay busy
> 
> @-->----


Look at you getting into action!!! > I'm proud of you.

That's how you beat this... you get out there and do what needs to be done!!!!

One thing that really helps is to write out a list. Mark off what's been done and add new things to the bottom. This helps you not forget what needs to be done or go into procrastination mode.. which is far too easy to do... Plus, as the number of completed items on the list grows you will see the progress.

Another thing that might be of help for you. Check out Find your people - Meetup . It's not a dating site. It's a site for things going on where you live. You can search based on your city/zip. The reason I'm suggesting this is because you need to get out there and start making friends, healthy friends for both you and your kids. And doing it based on activities that you enjoy is a healthy way to do this.

You said that you went on running the other day. When I search Find your people - Meetup in my area there are all kinds of running/jogging groups. Some are for females only, which might be best for you right now. What you do with these groups is just show up.

Another thing that I see a lot of are play groups and parent/kid type activities, healthy activities/groups for adults, etc. 

Get out there and start building a new life for yourself. Just be careful not to avoid any kind of relationship outside of casual friend with a guy for some time… like at least a year.


----------



## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> I'm heading to domestic relations with my mom, and I had to giggle I just read your post about the batteries lol your completely right not only is "porno guy" not right for me he text me this morning n said he was strung out n stuck at work was wondering if I could find him a "pick me up" and he doesn't even know I'm an addict, I didn't respond to his text. I can definitely see what everyone is saying. I went to my county assistance office this morning applied for snap and liheap,I should know something in 5 days, I'm going now to Domestics to see if I can raise my support I haven't raised it in 8 yrs. My next step find a counselor, a babysitter from care.com and attend Na meetings a few nights a week just try to stay busy
> 
> @-->----


OMG.. porno guy.. what a trip.. avoid him. clearly he's bad news. You don't need that in your life.

What do you mean when you say " heading to domestic relations with my mom"? That sounds like some kind of thing with the authorities. Could you explain?


----------



## Cynthia

The more you move in an up and out direction, the more energy you will have in that direction and the further away from danger you will move. Keep going. As Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."
Don't stop in the middle, get out of there!


----------



## WorkingWife

HEIDI84 said:


> I called last nite, they gave me #s for places to call or visit for help that are local to me, I was able to remain anonymous but I felt like she kept trying to get more out of me. I am calling one of the places this morning but I was also told till I receive my ssi back pay I qualify for Cao help with food and liheap so I'm going over to Cao this morning to fill out an application, this is a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly thank you all, I don't think I've changed into real clothes for about a week or wore make up lol so I'm gonna quit feeling sry for myself n just get up n go do it
> 
> @-->----


Wow, that is SO AWESOME. Good for you. Good job. I'm so happy to read this.


----------



## Cynthia

Did you block porno guy? If not, please do that now. He doesn't need to take up any space in your head or on your phone. And while you're at it, please delete his messages as well.


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## HEIDI84

bandit.45 said:


> Do you have a sponsor for NA yet? If not make sure you get one quickly.


No, I do not have a sponsor it's been 14 years since I've had one!! I know I definitely need one!! I will be interviewing two babysitters tomorrow evening, I need to find someone to watch my kids so I can start going to NA meetings. I went to this out-patient treatment facility yesterday it's maybe 10 min from my house, they gave me a drug test, I only showed positive for benzos, I only take them at bed time, but I don't have a script for them the doctor gives them to my mom and she always gives me half her script. But anyway the office called me this morning and said until I am off benzos for a few months I'm not a candidate for treatment!!! I'm so upset, I'm going out of my way to get help and im turned down?!? How does that work? 

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## HEIDI84

EleGirl said:


> Look at you getting into action!!! > I'm proud of you.
> 
> That's how you beat this... you get out there and do what needs to be done!!!!
> 
> One thing that really helps is to write out a list. Mark off what's been done and add new things to the bottom. This helps you not forget what needs to be done or go into procrastination mode.. which is far too easy to do... Plus, as the number of completed items on the list grows you will see the progress.
> 
> Another thing that might be of help for you. Check out Find your people - Meetup . It's not a dating site. It's a site for things going on where you live. You can search based on your city/zip. The reason I'm suggesting this is because you need to get out there and start making friends, healthy friends for both you and your kids. And doing it based on activities that you enjoy is a healthy way to do this.
> 
> You said that you went on running the other day. When I search Find your people - Meetup in my area there are all kinds of running/jogging groups. Some are for females only, which might be best for you right now. What you do with these groups is just show up.
> 
> Another thing that I see a lot of are play groups and parent/kid type activities, healthy activities/groups for adults, etc.
> 
> Get out there and start building a new life for yourself. Just be careful not to avoid any kind of relationship outside of casual friend with a guy for some time… like at least a year.


Wow EleGirl, you have no idea, what a help and inspiration you have been to me!!! That is an awesome site, thank you so much!! I couldn't have made it this far without you. I feel like I've already made friends on here!!  ugh look at me getting all emotional, I don't physically know you guys but emotionally I feel I've already got a good support system 

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## HEIDI84

EleGirl said:


> OMG.. porno guy.. what a trip.. avoid him. clearly he's bad news. You don't need that in your life.
> 
> What do you mean when you say " heading to domestic relations with my mom"? That sounds like some kind of thing with the authorities. Could you explain?


Domestic Relations is another name for child support office 

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## HEIDI84

WorkingWife said:


> Wow, that is SO AWESOME. Good for you. Good job. I'm so happy to read this.


Thank you so much, support and advice from you all is what's helping me get thru the motions of everyday

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## HEIDI84

On another note the doctor started me on Prozac, and vistaril, I have an appointment with a psychologist in 3 weeks that was the soonest she could see me. I guess this medicine takes a few weeks to really help but so far, I feel really weird, don't like it but I'm gonna give it time.

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## AVR1962

HEIDI84 said:


> I called last nite, they gave me #s for places to call or visit for help that are local to me, I was able to remain anonymous but I felt like she kept trying to get more out of me. I am calling one of the places this morning but I was also told till I receive my ssi back pay I qualify for Cao help with food and liheap so I'm going over to Cao this morning to fill out an application, this is a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly thank you all, I don't think I've changed into real clothes for about a week or wore make up lol so I'm gonna quit feeling sry for myself n just get up n go do it
> 
> @-->----


WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! One step at a time lady, you can do this!!! Think with your brain and don't let this man work your heart!!


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## HEIDI84

Thank you 

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## HEIDI84

Just got my kids school pics!! Love them!!









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## Blossom Leigh

Don't let the treatment facility thing get you down. Any road block is just an opportunity to reveal dynamics that need to change. The one that I see from that interaction is that your mom is an enabler and that needs to stop. AND find a healthy alternative to benzo's like that Nyquil sleep aid that has come out. Be patient with your body, it is going through a lot of adjustment. The only thing you have to do it get through today. What's your plan for today?


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## HEIDI84

Today my daughter is having her school play so that will take up most of my day, and I'd like to spend more time today checking out that site elegirl told me about. 

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## Blossom Leigh

HEIDI84 said:


> Today my daughter is having her school play so that will take up most of my day, and I'd like to spend more time today checking out that site elegirl told me about.
> 
> @-->----


Beautiful plan.. I like it.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you  I also found this girl on Twitter who has been helping she has a blog for living with depression

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## Blossom Leigh

There is also a book you may find very interesting call The Way of The Horse and in it she explains that depression is forward progression blocked or that it SHOULD be blocked, so unblocking it helps relieve the depression. Depression is your body's natural way of protecting you emotionally. The cleaner your body is the better you can monitor where the depression is coming from and navigate it. Its why I don't like taking anything that numbs me in anyway. I want to feel it as accurate as possible so that I can address it as accurate as possible. Our emotions are our God given feedback, but you have to test them for accuracy and that is made harder when chemicals introduced in the body are interfering. 

Now, of course our body chemical are complex and this would not address all forms of depression, but I have found that it works really well for me. 

Glad you are reaching out in all the areas you need help with. I think its great. Glad you found her and anything I can throw in the mix, I will. Super Big Hugs to carry with you today


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## ILoveSparkles

What did you do to your foot?? That x-ray is crazy!


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## HEIDI84

I'm a CNA i was putting a resident to bed with another cna using a hoyer lift ( it's a mechanical lift used to get ppl in n out of bed who can't walk/move) and the other CNA ran over my foot with the lift and broke it immediately. The lift is probably well over 500lbs

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## Blossom Leigh

Crushed it.... Good Lord.. so sorry


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## HEIDI84

Blossom Leigh said:


> Crushed it.... Good Lord.. so sorry


It's all good  it happens, the good thing is I'm no longer using it as an excuse to take pain pills, I've realized its my "new" "normal" and I've found other ways to cope with the pain, what I miss most is my job  

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## Blossom Leigh

I bet you do. Is there an alternative to get you reengaged with others in need?


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## HEIDI84

I was working under the table doing home healthcare by myself until January when I got my 4th surgery. But I had to stop, I guess it can take up to a year to fully heal, so until then not much I can do in the way of working

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## Blossom Leigh

sure... others here may have some ideas just to keep your mind going and feeling needed that doesn't require standing, lifting, etc


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## HEIDI84

I'm definitely open to any and all ideas, right now my days consist of the gym and that's about it, also normal household chores. The evenings are filled with my kids lol

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## WorkingWife

HEIDI84 said:


> On another note the doctor started me on Prozac, and vistaril, I have an appointment with a psychologist in 3 weeks that was the soonest she could see me. I guess this medicine takes a few weeks to really help but so far, I feel really weird, don't like it but I'm gonna give it time.
> 
> @-->----


Give it time and talk to the Dr. about how you feel. I don't know anything about vistaril, but Prozac has been a miracle for me. You can't NOT have anxiety and be depressed given your situation and the trauma you've been through. Antidepressants can help you see so much more clearly. And there are a lot of different things the Dr. can try for you these days to find a good fit.

If you're able to do some daily exercise, even just a long walk with your kids, I think that will also help you emotionally. I hate exercise but it is like medicine for me mentally/emotionally.

Good luck and definitely keep us posted.


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## HEIDI84

WorkingWife said:


> Give it time and talk to the Dr. about how you feel. I don't know anything about vistaril, but Prozac has been a miracle for me. You can't NOT have anxiety and be depressed given your situation and the trauma you've been through. Antidepressants can help you see so much more clearly. And there are a lot of different things the Dr. can try for you these days to find a good fit.
> 
> If you're able to do some daily exercise, even just a long walk with your kids, I think that will also help you emotionally. I hate exercise but it is like medicine for me mentally/emotionally.
> 
> Good luck and definitely keep us posted.


Thank you, I guess each med works different for people, I was on Prozac before and I felt so weird, it made me dizzy, and light headed, my heart would race, maybe I didn't give it long enough or it was a side effect to the other meds I was taking. I was also on paxil when I was younger. I try to exercise every single day put my foot brace on then my cool big black Velcro boot lol I've lost 32lbs so far n now I'm at a stand still

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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Just got my kids school pics!! Love them!!
> @-->----


cute kids!!! But I suggest that you delete the post with their photos. Putting the pictures of your kids online is not good.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> On another note the doctor started me on Prozac, and vistaril, I have an appointment with a psychologist in 3 weeks that was the soonest she could see me. I guess this medicine takes a few weeks to really help but so far, I feel really weird, don't like it but I'm gonna give it time.
> 
> @-->----


Prozac can make a person sleep a LOT for the first 2 weeks or so. If that happens to you, just go with it. There is a lot of healing in that sleep.


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you  I also found this girl on Twitter who has been helping she has a blog for living with depression
> 
> @-->----


Living with depression....

As time goes on, you can work on not having to live with depression. Here is a book that can get you started on fixing the depression.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

Drugs like Prozac are great for getting a person to the point where they can function. But there is work that a person with depression needs to do to get beyond the depression. This is usually done in counseling. However, our current medical/mental health insurance does not usually provide for enough counseling to really fix anything. Luckily, a person can do a lot of the work themselves. The above book is one of the classics for doing this.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much, I took your advice too and joined meetup, I went for the blue mountain bike this morning and Friday night I'm going for a night hike, I'm super excited and I love it!!! I'm trying to stay as busy as possible, spent my night cooking both my kids had friends over we made salmon, red potatoes green beans salad then homemade fruit n yogurt parfaits lol I think I'm getting the hang of this, also county assistance gave me food stamps today I can't thank u enough for all the help. I wish u were my therapist 









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## EleGirl

yum!!


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## HEIDI84

Want sum lol?

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## HEIDI84

EleGirl said:


> yum!!


I made plenty I love to cook n I think this could be my outlet

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## HEIDI84

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## Cynthia

That is an excellent, healthy meal which will nourish your body and help you cope. The first step is to make sure you are well nourished and hydrated. Even I would eat that and I'm a health nut. lol

I am impressed on the progress you are making. Keep focused on your to do list and get yourself healthy.


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## Blossom Leigh

Swinging by to say Good Morning


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## HEIDI84

Good morning girls!!! Todays gonna be a great day!!!!! I hope you all enjoy your day!! And Cynthia I have leftovers if ur hungry lol

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## EleGirl

It's good to see your progress. Have you gotten an appointment yet with a counselor for victims of domestic abuse/violence?


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## HEIDI84

I've been avoiding getting on here, I f'd up big time my kids stayed over at friends over the weekend. And I hung out with this guy that lives down the street from me, needless to say made some dumb decisions and relapsed again ugh 

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## Blossom Leigh

what are you going to do about it


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## red37

Your story is hard to believe. 

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## HEIDI84

red37 said:


> Your story is hard to believe.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk


Why is that

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## HEIDI84

Blossom Leigh said:


> what are you going to do about it


Jump back on the wagon

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## Blossom Leigh

How
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HEIDI84

On my way to na meeting now at reading hospital

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## Cynthia

You fall down, then you get back up and move towards your goal. If you give up when you fall down, you will never make it. If you keep getting up and making steps forward, eventually you will reach your goal. Don't avoid us. If someone is discouraging, you can always block them.


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## Blossom Leigh

Excellent. Success is measured by how fast you get back up after a fall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma

HEIDI84 said:


> I've been avoiding getting on here, I f'd up big time my kids stayed over at friends over the weekend. And I hung out with this guy that lives down the street from me, needless to say made some dumb decisions and relapsed again ugh
> 
> @-->----


Kicking addiction isn't easy otherwise there'd be a lot more recovered people. Get back up and get headed in a positive direction. Working harder and remembering how good and empowered you felt while being clean and getting yourself and your children on a better path in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HEIDI84

LadybugMomma said:


> Kicking addiction isn't easy otherwise there'd be a lot more recovered people. Get back up and get headed in a positive direction. Working harder and remembering how good and empowered you felt while being clean and getting yourself and your children on a better path in life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you so much I'm trying not to knock myself down and just move back on my problem is too much time on my hands so today I literally stayed in the gym 6 hrs till kids got home

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## HEIDI84

CynthiaDe said:


> You fall down, then you get back up and move towards your goal. If you give up when you fall down, you will never make it. If you keep getting up and making steps forward, eventually you will reach your goal. Don't avoid us. If someone is discouraging, you can always block them.


Thank you so much!!!! Means alot, the same guy I relapsed with is trying to get me to come down tonight I lied to him n said I'm working things out with my ex

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## HEIDI84

Blossom Leigh said:


> Excellent. Success is measured by how fast you get back up after a fall.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you I really <3 u guys!!! Keep me motivated n don't put me down thank u means alot

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## Blossom Leigh

Well, I'm impressed by how fast you gravitated back to healthy choices after falling. How did your meeting go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962

Don't kick yourself, what you do realize is it was something that you ended up regretting, good!!!!!!!! Now ask yourself "why?" What is the reason, do you know? Is it fear of some sort? Face lady, truly face it, it is okay and you will be okay.

I have a great book suggestion. It is funny, easy read and it is like your best funny friend speaking to you, very direct and right to the point. The name of the book is "Maybe He's Just an A**hole" by Halle Kaye. I bought it thru Amazon. Here is a quote from the book:
"Expect intimacy. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is the physical and emotional closeness that builds over time, by sharing experiences together. Your strongest self wants a partner she feels close to and can create a real bond with. She knows that without a real connection she will feel lonely and unsatisfied. So if your guy would rather go out and talk about the weather with some stranger instead of spending quality time with her, she loses interest in him and rightfully so. Keep the one-dimensional losers on the dance floor and save pillow talk for the guys who want to truly know what's on your mind." And I would like to add, don't be fooled by the guys who out to impress you. There's alot of men who will try to show their interest initially, will go out of their way to say things that are impressive but can they back it up? Are they being real or are they just trying to razzle-dazzle you into the sack?

If you chase a man with sex because you know he likes it, you are going to find a man that wants you for sex. If you open yourself to be the person who will take over his responsibilities to try to please him, surprise him, make him feel good then you can expect to play that same game without anything in return. He needs to take care of his responsibilities and if he is not willing you need to walk! If some man only pays attention you on his terms, when he wants, walk....this man is not interested in you. You have to see your own value, come to terms that you do not need a man to make you feel good about life or about yourself.

My marriage (24 years) was pretty lonely and I would have all kinds of dreams of men who liked me and wanted to spend time with me and were passionate in bed....all of which my husband was not. I would day dream of affairs but I never ever searched for another man and I am glad I did not. It would have caused me for hurt and confusion as it was against my values but I also learned to really value myself as a person in the process of watching my husband carry on with other women. Not at first, no, I felt like crap and it really hurt my self-esteem but eventually I could see he really had some issues, hard wired addictions. When I separated myself emotionally from this man he blamed me, no surprised.....kind of hard to look one self in the mirror, especially when you don't want to. I realized I deserved better, I reflected what I had missed as red flags, and asked myself why I passed up those red flags. I then had to look at my own insecurities and fears that allowed me to engage in this relationship and stay there for so long. Now, I am ready, ready to be on my own.

Now if I do not want to cook I might sit at the bar in the restaurant and have dinner. It is not uncommon for a man to approach me and strike up a conversation. The conversation is good as I realize at 53 years old I still have it. It is a good feeling but I am really not looking for anything more than that, I don't want anything more than that right now and I am not going to be lead by kind words to get me into the sack. I do not dress in heels and a short skirt to go out. I am just plain ordinary me. I look around and I see all these younger ladies dressed to the T but that is not me and I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I also do not want to attract the type of man who is chasing a skirt.....you know what I am saying? I go home and I am happy to have had the conversation and even more happy that there was no exchange in numbers or a follow up date, I don't let it go that far. Maybe one day when I am truly interested it will be different.

Legally I am still married (divorce not final yet) and I have a real good feeling that my husband at least has his eyes on another women but he is not interested in her for who she is, he is interested in her for sex, her body, someone to make him feel good about who he is. None of it is a reflection of me, that reflects who he is and I see alot of it out there. Don't be conned by the game girl, you have to love yourself more!!!!!


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## EleGirl

HEIDI84,

Have you ever heard the term "falling forward"?

Basically it means that using each failure as a stepping stone to learn. And then acting on what you learned. So each failure moves you forward.

There are books and all kinds of info written about this.

Basically you "fell" the other day. So now use that to learn and become a better stronger person. What happened? Why did you end up in a compromised situation? What can you do to prevent yourself from ever doing that again?

One thing is to never talk to that person again... or if you have to keep it impersonal and short. 

If you used, then get a sponsor and call that sponsor every time you are tempted to use. Or get on line here on TAM and tell us so that you can work through it.

What are positive things you can do instead?


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## WorkingWife

AVR1962 said:


> If you chase a man with sex because you know he likes it, you are going to find a man that wants you for sex. If you open yourself to be the person who will take over his responsibilities to try to please him, surprise him, make him feel good then you can expect to play that same game without anything in return. He needs to take care of his responsibilities and if he is not willing you need to walk! If some man only pays attention you on his terms, when he wants, walk....this man is not interested in you. You have to see your own value, come to terms that you do not need a man to make you feel good about life or about yourself.


OMG - *THIS*. *THIS *is what I just did not understand when I was younger. How different (better) my life could have gone...

You live by the sword, you die by the sword...


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## HEIDI84

Hey guys things are going really well sorry haven't posted been working under table n me n both kids had stomach flu all diff times n I've been exercising like crazy

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## Blossom Leigh

Glad to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

I too am glad to hear that things are going well for you.

It's been busy around here too.. I've had out of town visitors for a while now. So my time online has been limited.


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## JohnA

Keep pushing forward. Work on yourself and take care not to sabotage yourself.


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## HEIDI84

Hey how are you ladies?

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## EleGirl

I was just wondering how you are doing... and look, here you are. What's up with you?


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## HEIDI84

Not a whole lot honestly, finally heard from my lawyer today officially waiting on my check in the mail now, so I'm going house shopping this summer lol things have been great, I'm working on better myself and focusing on kids, I saw my foot doctor today and I broke another screw in my foot ugh but it's my fault wasn't suppose to be jogging yet lol other than that life is good, I've made a few friends who have been a tremendous help through all of this. I've been meaning to get on here, it seems like when one virus passes another one enters lol I had a pretty bad asthma attack Monday went to urgent care to find out I have pneumonia, siunitis, bronchospasms yippee.lol how are you doing? Still exercising everyday now kids are joining me.









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## HEIDI84

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## HEIDI84

Spending my time with them has gave meaning to my life 

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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> Spending my time with them has gave meaning to my life
> 
> @-->----


Good. Keep that up. Taking care of yourself is taking care of them. They need a healthy mama.


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## HEIDI84

Thank you so much everyday is a not only a new adventure but fresh start as well!!! Tomorrow is fishing lol we made a garden today and caught our own worms while doing it haha

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## Cynthia

HEIDI84 said:


> Thank you so much everyday is a not only a new adventure but fresh start as well!!! Tomorrow is fishing lol we made a garden today and caught our own worms while doing it haha
> 
> @-->----


This is true. We do have a fresh start daily. It's a good way to look at it, as it keeps you motivated to keep going in the right direction, rather than become discouraged.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like you are focusing on the rights things these days. You even went out and made some friends. That's good.

It also sounds like you need to take better care of your health. Hopefully you are on the mend now.


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## HEIDI84

Hey girls  hope everyone is well! Its been awhile 

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## MattMatt

How are you doing?


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## HEIDI84

I'm good, thank you how are you?

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## EleGirl

Hi, so what's new?


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## HEIDI84

A lot, I was doing good for a few months then I went back to him lasted about 2 weeks, and I've been gone since. I'm happier, its strange. My kids are way better off. I ended up selling my old house and moving with my kids, thinking about relocating again not sure. How have you been?

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## becareful2

You went back to porno guy or your ex husband? Is your divorce final, yet?
Hang in there. Lots of internet strangers on this site pulling for you.


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## HEIDI84

Lol I never dated porno guy, only thought about it...  I went back to my husband

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## HEIDI84

Thank you

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## becareful2

Good. Stay away from that emotionally stunted rage boy. His mother released a hell raiser into the world, so let her deal with him. You and your kids are much happier and more at peace now than in years past, so focus on that. I was reading your thread this evening and I thought about all the hurt, betrayed husbands I've read about. I thought if those guys could get together with abused women like you, there'd be more happiness in the world, but I know that's just not reality. Women like you get your abusive husbands, and those guys get their cheating wives. Both of y'all's spouse pickers are broken.:laugh: C'est la vie.


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## HEIDI84

I'm staying to myself for time being, never thought I could be happy this way but I am. For once I can handle myself financially and emotionally... (Well almost) the Zoloft helps a lot lol 

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## MattMatt

Move to England?


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## HEIDI84

England, has to beat Pa lol I'm considering Texas, Arkansas maybe Jordan.. Lol 

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## MattMatt

HEIDI84 said:


> England, has to beat Pa lol I'm considering Texas, Arkansas maybe Jordan.. Lol
> 
> Sent from my N9130 using Tapatalk


Wow! Bandit.45 moved to Texas! He'll be able to tell you all the best eating places and stuff!


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## HEIDI84

I love Texas and I'm a cowboys fan lol

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## Thound

HEIDI84 said:


> I love Texas and I'm a cowboys fan lol
> 
> Sent from my N9130 using Tapatalk


I think you meant a Texan fan. :smcowboy:


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## HEIDI84

Dallas Cowboys baby

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## TX-SC

Come on out to Texas. It's a great place to be!


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## HEIDI84

Seriously considering it

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## TX-SC

Which part? It's a big state!


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## HEIDI84

Lol I didn't think that far ahead yet haha close to cowboys stadium would be nice 

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## TX-SC

Ft. Worth is close and much nicer than Dallas.


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## HEIDI84

I'll have to check it out thank you 

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## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Wow! Bandit.45 moved to Texas! He'll be able to tell you all the best eating places and stuff!


I haven't had a bad meal anywhere in Houston.


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## becareful2

I use to like the Cowboys, that is, until I could no longer stand Jerry Jones. Ezekiel Elliott should be fun to watch.


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## HEIDI84

I hate romo but his replacements great

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## becareful2

I think Jessica Simpson jinxed Romo. That or Terrell Owens, I'm not sure.:wink2:


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## Good Guy

Please leave him. Please. There is a good chance he could kill or seriously injure you.


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## HEIDI84

I've already left him doing well

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## HEIDI84

becareful2 said:


> I think Jessica Simpson jinxed Romo. That or Terrell Owens, I'm not sure.:wink2:


Terrell owens? Lol he hasn't played in a bit 

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## becareful2

HEIDI84 said:


> Terrell owens? Lol he hasn't played in a bit


Yes, but he brought more drama than Romo's ex. The waterworks was very impressive.:crying: Hollywood actors could learn a thing or two from him.


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## HEIDI84

Lmao ^agreed^

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