# Navy Husband is contacting his Ex



## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

I'm married to a man in the Navy. He is set to deploy in 1 month for 7-9 months. I just caught him contacting his ex on snap chat. He forgot to erase the last message of the conversation. It said "hey my wife is gonna be home soon. I wanna talk more. here is my ship email, **********, Gotta go love . Talk to you soon." He changed her name so that I would think it's one of his work buddies. I talked to both of them about it. My husband said he was venting to her about problems in our relationship. He hasn't brought any problems up to me, so part of me thinks he just wanted attention from his ex. He is very remorseful and I do believe he is sorry. My problem now is that I feel I can't trust him. how do i know he wont continue to talk to her? what was his plan in the first place? And with this upcoming deployment, I am scared that I will drive myself crazy with worry about what he is doing overseas and who he is talking to on the ship. I just need someone to validate my feelings (or not if I'm crazy) and tell me how to handle this situation. I just don't know what to do.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

You're not crazy.

He's on the way to cheating on you and his actions to date probably qualify as an "emotional affair" at the very least.

What can you do?

Anything from nothing to serving him with divorce papers. I've seen both extremes and a lot in the middle.

Depends on what your dealbreakers are. I'd like to think if I ever found myself in such a situation I'd toss the person like a pair of used underwear and never look back but that's easy to say from where I sit.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sigh... it's hard to know if his sorrow is only based on his discovery, or the deed.

Unless he has children with her, there is no room for three... if this isn't clear, you truly need to make it so.

You are not crazy... he has broken a very serious component of trust. The problem is you absolutely cannot verify while he is deployed.

Tell him his marital health is in check and you are the x-ray machine... if you even *think* you see one spot of infidelity cancer the only option is termination of marital life, so he'd better be transparent to the nth degree.

Sadly, I think you married him too soon from his previous relationship and he will probably go through a few more, any marriage with snapchat in the middle of it might as well be stamped with a scarlet "*I*" for Infidelity.

He MUST ditch the social media apps and go full transparency... you get all passwords or you walk a new path away from him, there are no new accounts or you walk a new path away from him, there is no trickle truth or gas-lighting or you walk a new path away from him.

These are your boundaries... you cannot control anything else.

If he falters with any of this, you might need to start thinking about a new pair of shoes... can you walk this journey if you need to?

Hopefully he learns his lesson quickly and you are the guide he needs, how did his previous relationship end?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it sounds like he has not let go of Ex...can i ask why she is his ex?
i know there is ways around it but might i offer a suggest....tell him you want full transparency meaning that you want his passwords to all his email addresses, so that you can see if she emails him at that address and what correspondence if any they have. You might want to remind him that he will be on a ship most of the time, while you are free to move about...and you plan on staying faithful to him while he is gone, but if you see one concern...he better start worrying...regardless of whether you mean it or not it will make him think twice of any actions.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Sorry to hear this. Definitely sounds sketchy as hell on his part.

Can I ask you a question, more out of my own curiosity? I have always heard of the high rate of spousal infidelity while service members are deployed. In your interactions with other spouses, do you find this to be true?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

adough said:


> I'm married to a man in the Navy. He is set to deploy in 1 month for 7-9 months. I just caught him contacting his ex on snap chat. He forgot to erase the last message of the conversation. It said "hey my wife is gonna be home soon. I wanna talk more. here is my ship email, **********, Gotta go love . Talk to you soon." He changed her name so that I would think it's one of his work buddies. I talked to both of them about it. My husband said he was venting to her about problems in our relationship. He hasn't brought any problems up to me, so part of me thinks he just wanted attention from his ex. He is very remorseful and I do believe he is sorry. My problem now is that I feel I can't trust him. how do i know he wont continue to talk to her? what was his plan in the first place? And with this upcoming deployment, I am scared that I will drive myself crazy with worry about what he is doing overseas and who he is talking to on the ship. I just need someone to validate my feelings (or not if I'm crazy) and tell me how to handle this situation. I just don't know what to do.


You've got a lot to worry about. Normally I'm on for finding a way to reconcile, but he's going to be out of your reach, where he is highly likely to cheat. He's probably been sleeping with her, or he was planning to. Marital problems don't get discussed with exes. Heck, they don't get discussed with anyone of the opposite sex, IMO. 

You've basically caught your H setting up an affair. I don't see a way to keep him on the straight and narrow, and this one requires monitoring in the short term. I would seriously consider filing Divorce. I'm really sorry you're here for this :frown2:


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Sigh... it's hard to know if his sorrow is only based on his discovery, or the deed.
> 
> Unless he has children with her, there is no room for three... if this isn't clear, you truly need to make it so.
> 
> ...


Great post as usual EB. I'm curious, how does she get him to go full transparency while he's deployed? With deployment only 1 month away, how do you get to where you can trust your spouse while they're gone? I'm at a loss here. If there's a way to recommend fixing their relationship, then I'll take back my previous post. I'm really opposed to the "just file D" mantra...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

A humble opinion, the biggest concern she faces is he referred to his ex as "love" in the end of the chat then was deceptive about it changing the name, showing intent... most unmindful of his relationship and promises in marriage.

It's not her job to rebuild the trust... it's her job to determine if the rebuilt trust is able to come and if so, change enough so that her confidence it the marriage matches her confidence in herself.

She cannot know what her future will be by his behavior and he is getting ready to sail for 3/4 of a year... lots of lonely time to reflect on the hows and whys that this can and should stand and survive knowing nothing is permanent in life. 

---
OP, I would schedule time with a counselor for yourself after he sails if you have never experienced a deployment... I've gone through them in a different branch with my wife and it is hard to understand exactly how it will change you as a supporting spouse, if I knew how hard it was for my wife I would have asked her to go so she would understand how to deal with my return, and then myself for how to return.

You need clarity in the next 30 days you may not get... this isn't about love, we can easily love many people, this is about respect, integrity, and commitment within that love because distance doesn't ruin relationships, but doubts assuredly will.

Why his first marriage ended is still not known... so it's hard to share focused strengths, but let there be no doubt your greatest strength is within you.

Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible and be open with the counselor about the chat and the message contents... I am sure you are not into sharing your husband, let him know your boundaries up front and be clear for what you will accept, and what you won't. 

Worry will run you off the path... fear for the future will freeze you in your tracks... time to figure out how you find calm as you navigate this disappointment and prepare yourself for the next year. If you've faith in your life, no better group to walk with... a routine with spiritual connections is such a blessing and I'm sure there will be others like you facing deployments, in the middle, or figuring out another after the return.

Meditation is a brilliant calm... worthy of every second spent, there are even classes out there to help get the most out of your moments in it. Yoga, Tai Chi, creative crafts, quality friends... tie them all together.

Things we cannot control in this life are trying to teach us how to let go... and we spend a lifetime learning it.

The clearest are the best... has he earned your trust? Absolutely not.

Can he regain it? Absolutely, and tell him "if you want to be trusted, be honest", then relax and wait for what answer comes.

If your gut is telling you different in your communications, meditate some more and have confidence that no matter what comes, you did your best with the self-love you deserved.

And always remember to breathe as you begin meditating... 4 seconds in, hold for 3, release for 7.

Let us know how we can support you, you are just as important as the husband sailing away.


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## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

She cheated on him and then left him. it was about 4 year ago that they dated. and weve been together for two years.


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## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

absolutely. Theres actually a name for it although I can't remember what it is. It's a known thing for military wives to put tissue boxes in their windows while their husbands are gone to let men know they are "open for business". Disgusting.


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## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

This whole situation is already turning me into a person that i never wanted to be. I'm beginning to want to go through everything he has. i want to know everyone he talks to. if hes not talking to me for a few hours (because its hard to communicate on the ship) my mind just immediately goes to "oh hes probably talking to her or some other girl on the ship". i know full well he is busy at work. i just feel like its turning me into a crazy woman and ive always been very laid back. I agree with "emerging buddhist", the biggest hit to my heart was when he called her love. help me you guys. i feel like im going crazy. thanks for all the responses.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

adough said:


> I'm married to a man in the Navy. He is set to deploy in 1 month for 7-9 months. I just caught him contacting his ex on snap chat. He forgot to erase the last message of the conversation. It said "hey my wife is gonna be home soon. I wanna talk more. here is my ship email, **********, Gotta go love . Talk to you soon." He changed her name so that I would think it's one of his work buddies. I talked to both of them about it. My husband said he was venting to her about problems in our relationship. He hasn't brought any problems up to me, so part of me thinks he just wanted attention from his ex. He is very remorseful and I do believe he is sorry. My problem now is that I feel I can't trust him. how do i know he wont continue to talk to her? what was his plan in the first place? And with this upcoming deployment, I am scared that I will drive myself crazy with worry about what he is doing overseas and who he is talking to on the ship. I just need someone to validate my feelings (or not if I'm crazy) and tell me how to handle this situation. I just don't know what to do.


Not a good sign, you are NOT crazy at all. You should not trust him at this point. Cheaters lie, that is kind of their MO. Have you asked your husband these questions?



> how do i know he wont continue to talk to her? what was his plan in the first place?


What assurances has he given you. With him being away this is a very tough one.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If he's doing this after just two years of being together, I'd probably really think on spending the rest of my life with this guy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

adough said:


> This whole situation is already turning me into a person that i never wanted to be. I'm beginning to want to go through everything he has. i want to know everyone he talks to. if hes not talking to me for a few hours (because its hard to communicate on the ship) my mind just immediately goes to "oh hes probably talking to her or some other girl on the ship". i know full well he is busy at work. i just feel like its turning me into a crazy woman and ive always been very laid back. I agree with "emerging buddhist", the biggest hit to my heart was when he called her love. help me you guys. i feel like im going crazy. thanks for all the responses.


Sadly I don't know if we can help you. We have to be honest and everything your doing/feeling seems logical, at least to me, given the circumstances. Maybe your answer is being married to this man, who has now shown you he is not trustworthy, and has the added obstacle of occasionally being miles out of reach is turning you into a person you never wanted to be. I know that seems stark but this is the situation his dishonestly has put you in. My feeling is when you are a married person who is away for long periods of time you must be extra transparent for that very reason. This man is the opposite. Dear lady I don't envy you, this seems a monumental task.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Ugh... she is going to cheat on him, and then cheat with him.

The only way your marriage will survive is for him to get his mind right... she is pulling him into her darkness, prove her control, the only way to remain self in anything is to go full no-contact and mean it with a vengeance, because the next vengeance will be losing all that was good in his current marriage with you.

It's an impression that they have been communicating for much longer than you found out, being Navy I am surprised he doesn't recognize the signs of drowning... she is setting him up and he is foolishly taking the bait, but it will end up being the weighted shroud of your marriage.

He needs to know if he does not extract himself from her, you have few options but to do what is best for you.

The best choice is in his power... but there is better than best if he chooses poorly, and you control that.

If he does not understand that, then it is best for you in the end to leave him in the darkness and find the light you deserve.

May he choose wisely.


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## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Not a good sign, you are NOT crazy at all. You should not trust him at this point. Cheaters lie, that is kind of their MO. Have you asked your husband these questions?
> 
> 
> What assurances has he given you. With him being away this is a very tough one.


-I have. he just said idk idk idk and im sorry im sorry im sorry. he really has no excuses besides saying hes an idiot and he regrets everything. i havent gotten to talk to him about it alot since i found out because hes out on a month long work-up in the middle of the ocean. he comes home in two weeks. i am beside myself. 

-he has given me none.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

adough said:


> This whole situation is already turning me into a person that i never wanted to be. I'm beginning to want to go through everything he has. i want to know everyone he talks to. if hes not talking to me for a few hours (because its hard to communicate on the ship) my mind just immediately goes to "oh hes probably talking to her or some other girl on the ship". i know full well he is busy at work. i just feel like its turning me into a crazy woman and ive always been very laid back. I agree with "emerging buddhist", the biggest hit to my heart was when he called her love. help me you guys. i feel like im going crazy. thanks for all the responses.


Don't be that person... you have total control over this within yourself.

I would be up front... "husband, if you betray our love any further I will choose to not be with you because I will not live in doubt".

Then step back with counseling and honesty and a resolve to do what is best by you.

If he cannot see where this is leading him, know that your values are strong and you will have to let him go... until then, stand strong and faithful that he will do the right thing.

Give him the chance until you can't, and if he can't, or won't... you are most important in your life, value your values and leave intact. It will hurt, but not as long as somebody you allow to continue hurting you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Ugh... she is going to cheat on him, and then cheat with him.
> 
> The only way your marriage will survive is for him to get his mind right... she is pulling him into her darkness, prove her control, the only way to remain self in anything is to go full no-contact and mean it with a vengeance, because the next vengeance will be losing all that was good in his current marriage with you.
> 
> ...


The problem with this is even if he does all this he is still a man who could take the bait. This already makes him a dangerous choice for her even if he stops now. On top of that his career means they will be apart for long periods of time. It's almost too much to ask of a person when the trust has been breached. This may be an untenable position for her to be in, at least if she keeps her expectations as they are now (which I think are right and healthy ones and I do not recommend on changing).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

adough said:


> -I have. he just said idk idk idk and im sorry im sorry im sorry. he really has no excuses besides saying hes an idiot and he regrets everything. i havent gotten to talk to him about it alot since i found out because hes out on a month long work-up in the middle of the ocean. he comes home in two weeks. i am beside myself.
> 
> -he has given me none.


Uggh I feel your pain. Even so what could he give really. 

What are your ages? Do you have kids? What were and now are your expectations in marriage? 

The one thing I can say is to help you be a little stronger you need to detach, at least enough that you know if it didn't work out your life is not over. You need to make yourself strong enough emotionally and financially so you don't have to settle. You need to be proactive in your planning, this is something that you can draw strength from and well help you be less afraid. You will be in a stronger power position to make decisions. Hopefully you have a strong social circle around you, if not grow one. 

One other thing, it's 2 years at this point, not a lifetime. It could have been a lifetime, and it still can be. You need to think about that. 

I'm sorry we can't give the reassurance you are looking for, I am afraid that would be bad advice. The best reassurance I can give you is that even if he is cheating, you will survive and you can still have a happy wonderful life with someone else who won't cheat. This too shall pass.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do you know the password to the email he'll be using while he's on deployment? If so, log in and create a rule than any emails he receives are also automatically forwarded to you as well. Also that any emails he sends are bcc'd to you. Don't tell him you've done that though.

Then you can have your talks and set boundaries with him, and monitor what he gets up to while he's away and make an informed decision. 

If you ask for passwords, he'll just make secret emails/social media accounts and you'll never know. No point.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

We are all weak with something... it's our ability to put desire in it's proper place that allows our success.

@adough, if what hurts you is changing you for the worse, at the end of the day you know it is not best... the final choice is always yours whether your situation has value enough to keep working for it, or let it go to heal and grow from what you had to face.

Be strong in your faith in, and of self.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Do you know the password to the email he'll be using while he's on deployment? If so, log in and create a rule than any emails he receives are also automatically forwarded to you as well. Also that any emails he sends are bcc'd to you. Don't tell him you've done that though.


This may not be wise, as he is using his ship's email and it is on a USN email server, thus when the sysadmin sees different IP addresses, one from ship and one from shore hitting the same account while deployed there may be a security issue addressed.

I'd wager they are pretty security conscious that way...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are in an untenable position.

He cannot be trusted asea. I see, you see, we see.

Answers, pick one:

1) Shore duty from now on [ASAP]. He needs to get a new NOS, that keeps him away from the mind corroding salt. The salt "air" that is dissolving your marriage.

2) Get out of the Navy. Does he have his 20 year letter [for retirement credit]? If he is within 3 years...bite the bullet and hope for the best. At 20 years, he goes overboard...swims back home. Leaving his wet smelly green underwear in the basement memory.

3) Get off of Active Duty Navy and go into the Naval Reserves. He will be gone a lot less. He will still get a retirement, keep his marriage and gain new [civilian] job skills.

4} Have all his buttons cut from his uniform, his belt donated to the coral bed, his shoes donated to the Salvation Army. And then he should be hung from The Yard Arm.
Divorce the swabby. This is what I would do. He took his john boat up Styx River. He gave his paddle to his cheating ex. I suspect they were both cheating on each other. Their marching orders were: Open Ranks March....Open Marriage March. 

Trust is gone....basttard Genie is out of the bottle and in the shallow end of the cesspool.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> This may not be wise, as he is using his ship's email and it is on a USN email server, thus when the sysadmin sees different IP addresses, one from ship and one from shore hitting the same account while deployed there may be a security issue addressed.
> 
> I'd wager they are pretty security conscious that way...


I do not think he is using his military email to contact his "loved" ones. This is frowned on. May be forbidden, now.

"Usually" an open internet is available to military members. From what I remember, during THREATCON [FPCON] Charlie+ or MARSEC Levels 2 or 3 or on training exercises, the skipper may turn off general internet usage. Small ships have limited internet availability..... Submarines? Likely none.


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## adough (Dec 9, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I do not think he is using his military email to contact his "loved" ones. This is frowned on. May be forbidden, now.
> 
> 
> No his military email can be used to contact whoever he wants to contact. There are small periods of shut down but it usually only last a few days and they give us warning.. so he has every ability to be talking to her from the ship


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

adough said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > I do not think he is using his military email to contact his "loved" ones. This is frowned on. May be forbidden, now.
> ...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I do not think he is using his military email to contact his "loved" ones. This is frowned on. May be forbidden, now.
> 
> "Usually" an open internet is available to military members. From what I remember, during THREATCON [FPCON] Charlie+ or MARSEC Levels 2 or 3 or on training exercises, the skipper may turn off general internet usage. Small ships have limited internet availability..... Submarines? Likely none.





Emerging Buddhist said:


> This may not be wise, as he is using his ship's email and it is on a USN email server, thus when the sysadmin sees different IP addresses, one from ship and one from shore hitting the same account while deployed there may be a security issue addressed.
> 
> I'd wager they are pretty security conscious that way...


I based it against what @adough shared the chat said in her opening post "It said "hey my wife is gonna be home soon. I wanna talk more. *here is my ship email*, **********, Gotta go love . Talk to you soon."

It would have to have some serious controls on it I would think... lots of naval security types looking at things.

We have sniffers running on our communications all the time... several of them are often sent to lawyers, I can only imaging how ONI is handling things in todays electronic environment.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He has already followed much of the cheater's script:

- He is secretly in touch with an ex.
- He uses an app for the contact that 'disappears' the texts.
- He masks who it is by storing the contact under a different name.
- He uses the old, old, old excuse that he was talking to her about 'relationship issues.'

It's amazing how sadly predictable it all is.

He's been lying, for sure. I think he's already cheating, at the very least emotionally.

He has you set back on your heels, feeling insecure and crazy.

I think you need to set him back on HIS heels. Tell him clearly and in no uncertain terms that you won't have a lying, cheating husband. If he wants to lose you, then that is exactly what will happen. You will be gone. Tell him that it is his responsibility to fix this; he has to become completely transparent to prove to you that he is an honest husband.

You have to be tough. It will empower you to take a firm stand for yourself. What right does he have to turn your life upside down with his lies and deceit? None. Absolutely none.

Get strong, girl, and stand up for yourself.


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## Lauranie (Sep 17, 2016)

I can’t think of a worse way to start a deployment; my heart goes out to you. Deployments are notorious for breaking weak relationships. You have time though to get your ducks in order. While he is on his pre-deployment mission read, read and read. Go to the forums hear and read about people coping with infidelity... look for signs, strategies and clear your head of fear, fill it with information. Make a list of what you NEED from him to repair this damage, a Non-negotiable list. YOU are in control. Ask directly what he wants. If he wants it bad enough he will comply with your demands i.e. no contact with ex, transparency. 

Standard fair is for you to obtain temporary power of attorney while he is away. So, during the deployment you have plenty of time to come to terms with what you want/need to do for you, including leave. I do however urge you not to abuse it, but to use it in a fair manner in which to protect yourself. For example, you may use it to separate your finances. You can also use that time to pay of any CC’s in both your names and close those accounts. You may also use it to gain access to CC statements, phone bills and other items you may not have access to atm, if you feel the need to do some sleuthing. 

You are in a state of panic at the moment and it is understandable. Ask questions, bring your concerns here, people will help you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

adough said:


> She cheated on him and then left him. it was about 4 year ago that they dated. and weve been together for two years.


Why do (some) men like drama?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Why do (some) men like drama?


Because their lives are dull and boring?


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