# The past is such a pain.



## B777 (Jun 7, 2014)

I know this is a site for people who are already married but I've been dating my boyfriend now for nine months and have every intention of marrying him. I'm 20 in a couple of months and he is 21 in September. I met him the summer before my 8th grade year, which was the summer before his Freshman year. I have had feelings for him since the day I met him, and he had feelings for me as well. For some reason we never really acted on those feelings. Which was mainly because I was always in long what I considered serious relationships at the time. If i was hurting or feeling upset about anything no matter what he was always there for me, and I for him. My senior year I slept with him at a party,which I was not very proud of but I felt comfortable with him. Knowing him for so long obviously I knew quiet a bit about him. I've always known that the # of women he had slept with was pretty high, but I don't think i really let myself think about it because at the time we weren't dating and it wasn't my place to ask questions or put in my opinion. While my feelings grew stronger and stronger it felt like more of a struggle to get him to have much to do with me unless it was on his time which was usually late at night.. I felt myself getting hurt because I slowly started to realize that the feelings I've always had for him were only getting stronger. At the time i didn't realize that I was just another girl he was sleeping with. I finally had enough of the games and of the hurt so I told him that I couldn't just be another girl to him, that I deserved better, and I left the situation. With it being my first semester of college like most I was pretty wild and constantly went out to drink with friends. One night I just so happened to push my luck a little too far and got arrested for a DWI. The officer asked me to call someone in the town that I was in (where we both live) and he was the first and only person to come to mind, even though we hadn't talked in awhile. I was beyond upset and very frantic. After spending about 8 hours in the drunk tank I texted him and apologized for bothering him and thanked for helping me out. He then asked me if i wanted to go have dinner that night and get out of my apartment because he didn't want me to beat myself up anymore than I already had. After a few weeks of spending time together outside of the bedroom he told me that he never really knew how much i meant to him until I called him that night and he couldn't do anything to make me feel or the situation any better. We started dating and I'm still crazy about him but looking back now at how he treated me and running into just a few of the girls he has slept with in the past it's really starting to weigh on me. I've definitely made my own share of mistakes, and I will never deny that. But in a heated discussion I trying to be a smartass said "I bet you don't even know how many girls you've slept with." He admitted that he would have to guess a # if I were to ask (I didn't). I'm just really struggling to come to terms with this. He is amazing to me and treats me like I deserve to be treated, and is a complete different person from the person he used to be. I know that I should only focus on the here and the now but it's been rough lately. 

So sorry for the novel but I had to get it al out! Would love to hear if anyone else is dealing with any situations like this or has any advice. Thank y'all.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I know how you feel. I started dating my now husband at 15. He was a few years older and was definately a "player" of sorts. It was a tough first couple years, where he was great when we were together but when apart, I was definately an afterthought (no calls, etc). While we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend the entire time, it was a couple years (until out of high school) that we BOTH took it seriously. I always did, but then I was also very insecure so I was happy with whatever when it came to him because he was the one everyone wanted and was "with" me. :rofl: Yeah, it makes me laugh now. Not the situation but that I thought like that. He even told me 2 years later (after things were better) that he only asked me out because I was a challenge. That the friend we met through told him he would never get me (in bed) and he thought he could. He asked me out because I wouldn't sleep with him unless we were dating and never gave in once we were. He didn't tell me that in a mean way, he said it in a sheepful way. That was pretty much the point when it did become serious because it was something he never had to admit to but he did. And he did it in a way that told me that despite his original intention of me being nothing more that one of his "conquests", I had actually captured him. For the past 14 years of our relationship he has been a great husband, an absolutely amazing father, and an all around wonderful man.

With that said, I am a huge believer in the "past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour" saying. If the two of you were 10 years older and in this exact situation, I would be saying something completely different. However, you are both still so young (and were when all of this happened as well). Teenagers are teenagers. They make mistakes. Some of the best people, parents, and partners were nowhere near that in their teenage/college years. This is the time in your life where you begin the growth into the person you are going to be. If he has now committed to having a relationship with you and you are happy with the way it is now, you really should let go of the past. In the situation you have outlined above, you share the responsibility for everything that happened. He didn't have any obligation to you and he isn't a mind reader. Everything that did happen between the two of you was a choice made by both of you... that you wanted something more doesn't mean he was wrong if you never told him that. 

It is my opinion that if you are happy with what the two of you have now, you should continue in the relationship focusing on keeping/making your relationship better than on what happened between the two of you BEFORE you were in a relationship. I would NOT be in any hurry to get married, though. That has nothing to do with your shared past but because you are still so young and you will both change so much. People, especially woman it seems, are in such a rush to get married.. But it will serve you both well to grow both in your relationship and as individuals before you do so. If you are in the relationship that will last your lifetime, the papers can wait a few years.

Our past bothered me for quite a while too. I quickly realized that we were KIDS when it all started. Neither one of us knew anything about love, how to love each other OR how to love ourselves. WE WERE KIDS! We have both grown up and changed from that time and we could not move forward if I stayed stuck in the past. We've gone on to create so many great memories together that those first couple years are now something we both laugh at. Boys become men and girls become women. The man/woman they choose to become is sooo much more important than the boy/girl they once were.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

This really depends on what your deal breakers are in regards to the values you have and you should keep in mind that the past is a fairly good predictor of the future(not always, but many times). 

For me, I could never be with a man who had a large number of sex partners. To me, sex is something special shared between 2 people in love, not one night stands. If my husband felt differently, we wouldn't be a good match. Sharing the same or similar values is very important. 

I also believe that an ex is an ex for a reason and should be left in the past. The problems that were there before may very well come up again and cause issues. During the time you were apart, you may have forgotten a lot about what those past issues were as he "saved" you when you "needed" him from a somewhat traumatic event(DWI). I would take things slow and look for those 'red flags'.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> This really depends on what your deal breakers are in regards to the values you have and you should keep in mind that the past is a fairly good predictor of the future(not always, but many times).
> 
> For me, I could never be with a man who had a large number of sex partners. To me, sex is something special shared between 2 people in love, not one night stands. If my husband felt differently, we wouldn't be a good match. Sharing the same or similar values is very important.
> 
> I also believe that an ex is an ex for a reason and should be left in the past. The problems that were there before may very well come up again and cause issues. During the time you were apart, you may have forgotten a lot about what those past issues were as he "saved" you when you "needed" him from a somewhat traumatic event(DWI). I would take things slow and look for those 'red flags'.


I don't think you really read her post. They were never in a relationship prior to this. They were friends (since 8th grade) who slept together one night when she was in 12th grade and she had feelings for him beyond sex that were not reciprocated at that time. They are now 19 years of age and starting an actual relationship. I don't know what a "large number" means with respect to him, I do know for my husband that it was 5. That was a huge amount when we were in high school. That number is now 6 (me) at 36. Is that large? People grow and change. My number is 1. I didn't sleep around.. but I did one heck of a lot of things (drinking and driving, skipping school, stealing, etc) that I am not proud of when I was a teenager. Those things have NOTHING to do with the person that I am today or the person I have been over the last decade. That is the point I'm trying to make to her. She needs to judge this relationship on what it is right now because its only now that they are actually in one. People do grow up and often they become very respectable adults. Now he might not, but he might. And thats what dating is all about. 

Had H and I met at our current ages or even 10 years earlier, and our first years played out the same way... I wouldn't have been around longer than the first day. But I was 15 (he was 17). The only thing about that period of our life that is relevant to our current lives and/or relationship is that it is where it started. Neither one of us are anything like we used to be. We aren't in high school anymore. We both grew up and we both learned who we are and who we want to be. And we realized that we both wanted to be with the person each of us became. While we had completely different priorities and experiences in high school, we share the same priorities, values and experiences as adults. That to me is more important than who we were, or what we did, as kids.

My H has a critical illness. His life expectancy is a mere couple years from now (though he is amazingly strong and I KNOW he will be around for many many years to come). If, heaven forbid, something did happen and I was ever faced with the possibility of dating again, the number of people someone slept with would be very low on my list when choosing a potential someone. Reason being that I will always be me. My standards are my standards (and my H has set the bar extremely high since our high school days) and whether someone has had 2 partners or 30 partners, they still have to meet them to be accepted. If they do, the number doesn't matter and if they don't, the number definately doesn't matter.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> I don't think you really read her post.


I read the post just fine and stated that it would be a deal breaker for me. I would not be with someone who slept around, whether that be in the person's present or past. They would not be for me. I didn't do stupid stuff in high school. I worked my butt off to get good grades and got a scholarship for college. I had fun with friends going to the beach for bonfires, swimming, and hanging out, but we didn't do anything I would be embarrassed about now. My husband has also always been a very respectable man. 

That's why I posted that she needs to know what her deal breakers are and what she can deal with/handle. If she can't get past the thought of him sleeping with all of these different women, then there will be problems down the line. 

It's great that your marriage worked out and it's nice for you, but I have a different opinion on what the OP asked. I see 'red flags' that she should pay attention to.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

That past is part of who he is and it's good that you can be open about it. Why not try to understand it more if it's something you're concerned about. Talk to him about it.

Being in a long term relationship means accepting ALL of your partner. I conclude from your post that you can accept this and it's not a deal breaker.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm wondering if he is use to having many different partners will he be satisfied with one?

I would take it slow and easy, don't rush into marriage, make sure this is what you and he wants.


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