# Pre Engagement Question



## Thanml4 (Nov 11, 2011)

My girl friend is currently freaking out about our engagement and I am trying to understand why.
She was previously engaged 6months ago to a guy she found out had cheated on her twice. Since then me and her have become very serious and we have actually talked about getting engaged and married.l
The problem is she is concerned about wether her friends and family will take this engagement seriously because she was engaged 6months ago to another guy.
How do I support her and really help her cope with this?

Thanks for all the help!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don't set a date for a long time.

If she was in love and engaged to another man just six months ago and now is engaged to you it's highly likely you're an emotional rebound.

Her friends and family have a solid point of view
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

Why rush the relationship?

Perhaps set a wedding date far away giving the family plenty of time to get to know you both as a couple. Also then you can delay telling everyone about the engagement till she is more comfortable.


----------



## Thanml4 (Nov 11, 2011)

I am looking for ways to try to help her understand its going to be ok, like how to take her view point.
I would just say who cares what your friends think, you are getting engaged to me not them right? But I know that is totally a typical guy answer.
Help me to cope and feel what she is feeling.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I was in a sort-of similar situation. I was with a guy for 3 years and while we were never engaged, we kind of acted like we were, we lived together, we talked about getting married in front of other people, etc. We broke up on November 3 and on November 24, I was engaged to my now-husband. I didn't try to hide it but I also didn't care about what other people thought. Actually, I probably talked about it far too much and annoyed people with my romantic silliness. It's not in my personality to care what other people think about my personal life, so I also find it hard to relate to other people who do. 

But I will say this: if you are engaged, and your fiancee is not totally excited and over the moon about it, there is a problem. If she is more worried about what others think, than she is excited about experiencing her engagement, she is probably not ready to be engaged. Note I didn't say "not ready to be married." Being engaged is an actual relationship stage, it's different from just being someone's girlfriend while simultaneously throwing money away on wedding magazines. She needs to be ready for the engagement and it sounds like she isn't.


----------



## Thanml4 (Nov 11, 2011)

Ah perfect! Thank you so much Omega.

So how would I go about telling her that? I obviously can't just say you aren't ready to get engaged.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Here's an idea that just occurred to me.... Maybe you could suggest having a big, fun engagement party for friends & family when she's ready to announce it to everyone, and suggest that until then, you hold onto the ring and go back to being "just bf/gf" until then so that it's more special and then after the party you will be "officially engaged." And leave the date of the party totally open, and just leave it at that. She'll bring it up again when she's ready to "face everybody" with the news in a really open way.

If she has decent friends, they'll be thrilled for her that she's found true love, especially after having to watch her go through a failed engagement.

Warning: I don't know how she would take something like this. If she's secretly feeling doubts, she may welcome this as a relief, or she may take it as confirmation of her doubts - that you are having doubts too - and it may blow up in your face. 

That said, if you actually DO have doubts, you don't want to be engaged. I've argued about this on TAM before, but I continue to stand behind my belief that engagement happens only once you are SURE and there are no doubts. Some folks on here say that engagement is the time for sorting out your doubts and making sure you are SURE before you get married. I happen to think that the engagement is when you're SURE but aren't married yet. Not a small difference.


----------



## Thanml4 (Nov 11, 2011)

I don't know if she is really going to go for that engagement party. I have actually never herd of that before! Haha but that doesnt surprise me.

I dont have any doubts at all, i am just thinking maybe she is having doubts about wether people will accept her because she is jumping ships so quickly.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dear god, she just got out of an engagement from a man who cheated on her. Six months later she probably still has issues from that.

Get to know her better. Why rush it?


----------



## IloveLife121 (Nov 11, 2011)

how long have you known her? are you best friends? how long have you been dating? also, how old are both of you? all these are questions that i have before i can really give you my honest opinion, which at this point, is to just wait til things feel right. You'll KNOW when things feel right. are both of you financially stable enough to get married?? 

sorry to ask so many questions, but I need to understand the whole picture to really give a good opinion. thanks


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Part of me says this could be good (my W and I were engaged approx. 12 mos. after a failed E)...

...but another part of me says that you are a warm body filling up a cold slot in her life.


----------

