# Relationship with kids after divorce... blend or live together apart?



## aquajjay (Feb 25, 2018)

I am wondering if anyone has experience with a post-divorce relationship where you both have kids and are thinking about moving in together? Or living apart together? 

Me: It's been 2.5 years free of marriage for me and I have a 7 year old. I don't have any kind of relationship with my ex as he has never co-operated to co-parent. We don't talk and share parenting equally 50/50. I work full-time during the week.

My BF: Separated for 1.5 years, 2 children ages 5 & 9. Their legal stuff isn't final (they never married, just common-law) and his ex is a nut job and keeps trying to make changes all the time and complicate things with her own best interest in mind. They communicate sometimes, not effectively, share parenting the same as me, with the same work schedule...

We have been together for nearly a year and have done a lot with our kids and without, and just with his and just with mine. My child is settled with how things are as there is very little communication or contact with her father. She is pretty settled now with the back and forth stuff and appreciates that I have found someone who loves me. She's accepting of my BF and he is of her. His kids are constantly acting out, fight with each other and they compete for his attention ALL THE TIME. It's hard for me because I get that kids come first (within reason). The youngest child has selective mutism and the oldest acts like she has an attention seeking disorder, and is more than a handful for him. He treats the youngest like a baby (carries him around, has him in his lap, cries about things he shouldn't) and constantly caters to him which in my opinion, enables his behaviour (randomly mute, isn't potty trained, accidents, etc.). The oldest picks on him and acts like a school bully, saying demeaning things all the time and feeds the power struggle. My daughter is getting looped into the craziness and I'm anxious about the dysfunction...

He constantly complains about his kids and the ex and wants nothing more than for us to become a family. I've seen changes the last couple of months in his kids and am feeling like we are not coming together on our parenting (which is hard to talk about, as we typically see each other when we're kid free). We have an amazing connection and haven't felt the way we do about someone like we do about each other. This is that once in a lifetime, soulmate kinda thing.... OTHER than the kids...

Does anyone have experience navigating challenges to become a blended family, or did you decide to live apart together? I appreciate any feedback and info...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I've seen many stories like this one and two of our family friends are going through it now. One spouse is always furious about how the other spouse parents there own children. One spouse always
believes that it is "so obvious" that the other should be parenting there own children differently because it is "exactly" what is causing the child's continued behavior. My wife gets phone calls about this
one all the time.

The good news: Both pair of these family friends are still together and slowly getting it worked out ..... very slowly.

Consider if this is the one "main" issue you have or part of a list of others.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I don't believe shacking up, especially when children are in the equation, is ever a good idea. I think shacking up with a married man is an especially bad idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With your description of how he is parenting this children and their behavior, I think you would be making a huge mistake to live with him. Your daughter will be put in the mist of some serious issues that will cause her problems. These are the kinds of problems that follow people for a lifetime.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

See my thread on gf and daughter not getting along. 

My situation is similar but not as extreme as yours. Her kids-- well, her oldest daughter-- was VERY difficult at first, her father had fed her some stuff so she had a hard time accepting me. The daughter is in counseling and has made a ton of progress, she does fine with me and my kids now and is really very nice most of the time. 

My kids-- well, my oldest, my daughter-- is attention-seeking and is not accepting of the relationship especially when she thinks it takes me away from her. When we are doing something she deems fun, she is great, but the second something doesn't go her way it is just uncomfortable to be around. It was really inappropriate language, which has finally stopped after taking away some pretty significant issues, but even still it is her being mad and always trying to make me feel guilty. If she is at her mom's for the weekend and calls and finds out I am spending time with GF, she will immediately change her demeanor and last weekend hung up on my 4 or 5 times. I finally quit answering. She was with her mom and obsessed about what I am doing. 

In any case, we have talked long-term, and are both in that boat for now, but not without the understanding from our kids that they will have to learn to be ok with it, and we will definitely be on the same page as far as parenting. I think the kids need the structure of SAME expectations, same consequences. There cannot be two different sets of rules under the same roof, can there? How would that be effective? 

I think, this experience for me has made me realize that regardless of what happens with the GF, I want to raise kind and respectful children who do not think everyone is here to serve them.


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