# Guilty until proven innocent



## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

I caught my husband texting another woman non-stop a year ago and he revealed her name and claims its friendly and a girl he met running races. He said he would stop if I was uncomfortable, but also says he is a friendly guy and has girls who are friends. Supposedly, he was coaching her on getting a running program started which I brushed off and said let her find her own trainer in her area. While I thought he was being honest and discontinued communication, I saw on his phone, pictures she sent to him and he sent to her. I confronted and said I would leave him if he didn't stop. I discovered another call to her after he had seen her at another race and he claimed originally it was a friendly "how did your race go. ", but this time I didn't let it get swept under the rug. I asked about emails and he said a couple but very platonic and I asked to see them. He claims all are deleted and he isn't able to show me. Going a bit crazy since he maintains such innocence!!!! Not sure how to react as he is trying so hard with me which is in my opinion an admittance of guilt.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

tell him you want to see the next email she sends. (WITHOUT HIM WARNING HER THAT YOU WILL READ IT). See if it sounds completely platonic.

Then, even if it is platonic... tell him you are not comfortable & it would be a deal breaker if you were texting a male that much. It needs to be a deal breaker for him. He cannot be more connected to another female than to you. It is not good, fair or right for your marriage. Make him understand how hurt you are.. Even if it is "just" friends.


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

no woman no cry said:


> I caught my husband texting another woman non-stop a year ago and he revealed her name and claims its friendly and a girl he met running races. He said he would stop if I was uncomfortable, but also says he is a friendly guy and has girls who are friends. Supposedly, he was coaching her on getting a running program started which I brushed off and said let her find her own trainer in her area. While I thought he was being honest and discontinued communication, I saw on his phone, pictures she sent to him and he sent to her. I confronted and said I would leave him if he didn't stop. I discovered another call to her after he had seen her at another race and he claimed originally it was a friendly "how did your race go. ", but this time I didn't let it get swept under the rug. I asked about emails and he said a couple but very platonic and I asked to see them. He claims all are deleted and he isn't able to show me. Going a bit crazy since he maintains such innocence!!!! Not sure how to react as he is trying so hard with me which is in my opinion an admittance of guilt.


Work on the assumption that he is "coaching" her to sleep with him.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Do you have access to all his id's, passwords, phone records? If he doesn't have anything to hide, there's no reason you shouldn't. These should be shared between both of you - no secrets/privacy in marriage. You gave those up when saying I DO. The fact that you told him you were 'uncomfortable' should have been ALL you needed to say for ALL communication with OW to stop, regardless of the nature of their relationship. This shows you HE respects you and puts both You & YOUR marriage first. If he's unwilling to do that, then you may very well have an issue. 

His working so hard may be quite innocent but because of who I am, I'd say it's along the lines of: those who doth protest too much!!


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

it takes 2 to tango. I'm not taking side here, but may I advise you to do a bit self-check. How do you normally respond to things? Are you sensitive type? Do you over-react? If yes, and if your husband knows you well (and I bet he does), he would try to avoid any conflict that might come, in case you found out the messages/texts/emails between him and the other girl. That explains why he deleted them.
On the other hand, there might actually some monkey business going on between him and the other girl, so he had to delete the messages.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> it takes 2 to tango. I'm not taking side here, but may I advise you to do a bit self-check. How do you normally respond to things? Are you sensitive type? Do you over-react? If yes, and if your husband knows you well (and I bet he does),* he would try to avoid any conflict that might come, in case you found out the messages/texts/emails between him and the other girl. That explains why he deleted them.*
> *On the other hand, there might actually some monkey business going on between him and the other girl, so he had to delete the messages.*


And if there is NOTHING inappropriate going on, then deleting is unnecessary. Bottom line is that he said he'd stop talking to THIS woman, who he was texting NONSTOP, if she was uncomfortable with it... And yet, he is still in contact with her...KNOWING how his wife feels about it. No, he is wrong for continuing ANY contact with this woman. And I reiterate, deleting conversations with this woman only adds to her belief that something inappropriate is going on. If he wants her to trust him, he needs to stop deleting his correspondence.


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

tuff1 said:


> it takes 2 to tango. I'm not taking side here, but may I advise you to do a bit self-check. How do you normally respond to things? Are you sensitive type? Do you over-react? If yes, and if your husband knows you well (and I bet he does), he would try to avoid any conflict that might come, in case you found out the messages/texts/emails between him and the other girl. That explains why he deleted them.
> On the other hand, there might actually some monkey business going on between him and the other girl, so he had to delete the messages.


He does say I'm hyper sensitive and that is because this is his second chance. He lied and cheated on me a year after marriage. Now it is 18 years later and I suspect again. He is friendly with women and flirty and says that's who he is. His time he has been very private and for a while would grab his phone, complain that I'm invading his privacy, etc. I believe he stopped with phone communication since I check records now. Emails are how they have been communicating as well as other means. He is much more computer savvy and thinks I will never find out. I have all passwords and revealed that he has many more than I ever knew about. I asked him to prove that their emails were platonic for peace if mind and he said he deleted them all. Now he called her agin about a week ago on a separate magic jack phone which he probably thought I would never look at. When confronted he said he called to ask her how a running race went hat they both attended and that he really didn't get a chance to talk to her. I was so upset that I began investigating while he was out of town on yes another race(not wit her), but I'm alone again!!!~I went crazy looking for stuff to catch him and I think he caught wind that I was on his emails and In to folders and he either deleted all evidence or has it stored. Btw found a big head shot of her in one of his files. I believe in my heart something's going on and he says since all has been deleted I have to believe his innocence. I won't until he shows me a text conversation, emails, etc. I think he knows he is caught and is so afraid I will leave him. His is his second chance. This happened before remember. He's trying so hard to be affectionate, nice, polite, and marriage as usual but I don't even believe if his phone conversation is true due to 2 stories. I'm so emotional however staying strong. Please help with any thoughts! Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sounds like he's cheating & going overboard trying to hide it. Can you afford to hire a PI & have him followed? I'm so sorry.


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

Just received a letter from this girl who my husband has been secretly communicating with saying how sorry she is for causing grief in our marriage and our family and that she appreciates his running advice and support over the last 12 months and that I may call her to verify that there will be no more communication??? she left no phone number and not even sure if she was the one who sent this. Help!!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

no woman no cry said:


> Just received a letter from this girl who my husband has been secretly communicating with saying how sorry she is for causing grief in our marriage and our family and that she appreciates his running advice and support over the last 12 months and that I may call her to verify that there will be no more communication??? she left no phone number and not even sure if she was the one who sent this. Help!!!


Letter in the mail? Return address? If there is a return address, do a search, first. If nothing turns up, write back and say that's great she's willing to verify, but you can't call without a number. And, what made her write the letter in the first place? Plus, why can't you go to any of the events and actually speak to her if you are willing to do that? Honestly, my first thought was that your husband told her about it and that's what prompted it...to get you off his back, nothing more, so they actually CAN continue talking. If you ignore it, she (and likely he) may assume you are fine with it. Don't mention it to your husband. Suggest that you go to the next event, though. Gauge his reaction and go from there.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

If they're no longer communicating as he's stated, then how did she get your email address? I am assuming, of course, the letter came to you via email. Even if she did give you her number, why would she think you'd be stupid enough to believe anything a 'home wrecker' had to say? She's not going to tell you the truth.

SO.... He's cheated before! You already have proof he's capable. The fact that he's trying so hard to make it 'appear' as if what you're feeling/thinking is going on in your head is a sure sign he's trying to place the blame of your marital issues on YOU. This is because of the guilt he feels for going behind your back and continuing a relationship you've already voiced more than once you're uncomfortable with. He doesn't want to end that relationship; he wants his cake and to eat it too! MHO.... the email is just a tactic to get you to back off until they can figure out another way to communicate. 

What exactly does he not understand about NO COMMUNICATION? My definition of that would include phone calls, text messages, emails, FB, Personal visits, etc.,etc., etc. The excuse he used to get a status on a race is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to again get you off his back about calling her. 

Have either of you considered/mentioned MC? I mean if he's not willing to give up this non relationship, then MC may not work; but are you willing to try? Or just maybe what he needs is a wake-up call? Come home one day and find you gone. Do you have friends or family you can talk to/lean on for support if you needed to get away for a while?


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

The email was sent to him yesterday which he forwarded to me today. He claims he left her a voicemail for not even a minute saying that he can't have communication with her and that my wife, meaning me may call her. So her response was to send an email saying how sorry she is to have hurt me our marriage our family and that she thanks him for his last 12 months of friendship and running and that she learned a lot about running and wouldn't be where she is today had he not talked to her. I don't understand how she gets the magnitude and seriousness of this problem if they are not talking. His message he said only stated that my wife may call you. However the email is fine and dandy but I still have NO proof that this has been platonic. He can't show me one conversation from her nor text. His response was I can't do anything right and I could have just deleted it if I had known you would continue being suspicious. Now what ? He said call her and I said you call her with me on the line or on speaker and he said that would be odd but that I could call her myself. Really? And what do I say? Stay away from my husband when she just sent a note to me stating it was all about running. He's digging himself in deeper. Please help. Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

There may be a way to recover texts but I don't know it.

Is this woman married?


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

Emerald said:


> There may be a way to recover texts but I don't know it.
> 
> Is this woman married?


Yes married
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

no woman no cry said:


> I caught my husband texting another woman non-stop a year ago and he revealed her name and claims its friendly and a girl he met running races. He said he would stop if I was uncomfortable, but also says he is a friendly guy and has girls who are friends. Supposedly, he was coaching her on getting a running program started which I brushed off and said let her find her own trainer in her area. While I thought he was being honest and discontinued communication, I saw on his phone, pictures she sent to him and he sent to her. I confronted and said I would leave him if he didn't stop. I discovered another call to her after he had seen her at another race and he claimed originally it was a friendly "how did your race go. ", but this time I didn't let it get swept under the rug. I asked about emails and he said a couple but very platonic and I asked to see them. He claims all are deleted and he isn't able to show me. Going a bit crazy since he maintains such innocence!!!! Not sure how to react as he is trying so hard with me which is in my opinion an admittance of guilt.


Is he a professional running coach?


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

He said call her and I said you call her with me on the line or on speaker and he said that would be odd 

If all parties know what's going on, what would be odd about it? If he's got nothing to hide, then there shouldn't be a problem with him calling her on speaker for you to hear. She already knows there's an issue, if in fact she sent the email.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

no woman no cry said:


> He is friendly with women and flirty and says that's who he is.


=/

I'm flirty and friendly with women and for a time I even drove my wife nuts by fun-flirting with women in front of her. Still, I don't have women on the side and for my wife and I our social circle is intertwined - meaning we don't befriend anyone unless they are cool with BOTH of us (and my wife tends to assert her claim on me rather quickly when we're meeting new women)

Still, I do have my own secrets (TAM), here's an example of why a man would want to delete evidence of extra-marital activity:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/31636-wifey-closing-kill.html

Now I'm not saying that your husband is asking for advice on a random marital forum (lol), but it could be something similar, something that he feels he can't confide in you, so he confides in someone else, who could actually be a friend.

In the end my wife didn't believe me, and came on the forum, finding out every bad thing I said about her, ignoring all the good things - the very reason I didn't want her to come here. I told her the truth all along.

My advice:

Don't jump to conclusions until you have solid proof. And don't bother asking for the proof. No...

Show complacency, show that you trust him... wait until he has his guard down, then catch him. Only after you got the evidence, confront him - if you even want to at that point...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You could put a key logger on his computer. That way you will get his passwords and see what he's doing on line. Then you can see if all his email is really deleted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sometimes I wonder about the morals behind keylogging actually, based on my wife and I's little drama with this forum.

It's a betrayal of privacy really =/
Still, I don't blame my wife cause I would have done the same thing most probably if all the red flags are there (which I guess they were, kinda)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Sometimes I wonder about the morals behind keylogging actually, based on my wife and I's little drama with this forum.
> 
> It's a betrayal of privacy really =/
> Still, I don't blame my wife cause I would have done the same thing most probably if all the red flags are there (which I guess they were, kinda)


Yea, there's a delima there. But I also believe that a person has the right to know when their spouse is cheating. Since the spouse most likely will not tell the truth the BS sometimes has to something like this to get it.

I've used them before. Glad I did because it helped me know the path I needed to take.

They can also be used with the WS's consent as a way to keep them honest.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah... guess when I put myself in her shoes... I can see that my wife did what she had to do. 

Alright, I agree -> keylog him.


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

no woman no cry said:


> He does say I'm hyper sensitive and that is because this is his second chance. He lied and cheated on me a year after marriage. Now it is 18 years later and I suspect again. He is friendly with women and flirty and says that's who he is. His time he has been very private and for a while would grab his phone, complain that I'm invading his privacy, etc. I believe he stopped with phone communication since I check records now. Emails are how they have been communicating as well as other means. He is much more computer savvy and thinks I will never find out. I have all passwords and revealed that he has many more than I ever knew about. I asked him to prove that their emails were platonic for peace if mind and he said he deleted them all. Now he called her agin about a week ago on a separate magic jack phone which he probably thought I would never look at. When confronted he said he called to ask her how a running race went hat they both attended and that he really didn't get a chance to talk to her. I was so upset that I began investigating while he was out of town on yes another race(not wit her), but I'm alone again!!!~I went crazy looking for stuff to catch him and I think he caught wind that I was on his emails and In to folders and he either deleted all evidence or has it stored. Btw found a big head shot of her in one of his files. I believe in my heart something's going on and he says since all has been deleted I have to believe his innocence. I won't until he shows me a text conversation, emails, etc. I think he knows he is caught and is so afraid I will leave him. His is his second chance. This happened before remember. He's trying so hard to be affectionate, nice, polite, and marriage as usual but I don't even believe if his phone conversation is true due to 2 stories. I'm so emotional however staying strong. Please help with any thoughts! Thx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I hear ya, I've been fooled so many times, so I completely understand your urge for the truth. My advice is: I hope you have enough funds for a private investigator. I'm not quite big on hiring PI, I'm trying to do the investigation as best as I could. But if you think a PI could do things that you are unable to do (for example: surveillance), then you might consider it. But it is very expensive though. Just throwing it out there for you as an option.

That being said, let's do some scenarios here:
Scenario 1: what if you are right about he is cheating on you. what will be the next step? How would you handle it?
Scenario 2: the best scenario, that is where you are wrong, and he's not cheating, he's only censoring the information because he's afraid you might overreact and make a big deal out of nothing. I gotta admit, I do that at times to my girl, and even my mom. I understand they are female, so they are much more emotional.But if I could avoid any grief from their overreaction by not telling them certain unimportant things, I would.

These are some of the hard questions you need to ask yourself before moving on.


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

Yes, she is married with 3 kids. Sometimes your gut just tells you something isn't quite right. He is being very cooperative with anything I want to look at and we have had several long talks including tears. I believe he loves me and his choice would be to work it out with me since we have been together for 30 years, 2 children, etc. That is great, however I don't have closure meaning I really don't know how far this relationship went and he can't show me 1 text nor email. I'm so frustrated because if I knew what the relationship really was, then he has been lying. And that isn't acceptable. Has also been driving me crazy that I am blowing this so out of proportion. Also, took his phone and read a text from a female running friend who asked him if I had kicked him out of the house yet. I found the comment odd and low class and was wondering if she knows something? Any thoughts would be great.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Is it the same female running friend that he has been texting non stop? Or just another running friend in the same circle? (ie, that they all text each other?)


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

It is another running friend who he talks to often but says it's purely platonic. They just keep in touch often.


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

This other girl who is in his running group keeps in touch with him regularly. I know they are friends and have been for years. He drove her up north for a race 2 years ago and didn't tell me until the morning of, stating he thought I would get upset and saying she needs a ride, etc. I have accepted this person as his friend and running associate. However, I read a text from her the other day asking him if I had kicked him out of the house yet regarding our problems with this other girl who i have been speaking of on all of the other threads. I feel it is a low comment given the seriousness of our situation and possibly somewhat flirty. She said she would make a hut in a tree for him to sleep in. It bothers me that possibly he shares or his friends in his running group are sharing. And that his energy is really spent on this other than his wife. Where do I draw the line regarding his woman friends who he claims are platonic relationships and he also says he is a friendly guy.

Thanks


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

However, don't lose sight of my original problem: He has been texting and emailing another girl for a year and he cannot prove one iota that this is platonic. I am going crazy trying to solve the mystery as to what this relationship really is or was and feel I am under so much stress daily. He has been very sweet, engaging, affectionate, etc. And I would like to try to make it work once I know he is being honest with me. Hard to love a man you aren't able to trust.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Hard to love a man you aren't able to trust. 

Add this as well: Hard to love someone who doesn't put your concerns, needs ahead of ALL else. 

I guess you have to ask yourself knowing your H can't provide 'proof' of what this relationship is/isn't; what can he do to get you both past this and at the same time regain your trust. What are you willing to live with?


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

Why don't you confront the girl and ask her yourself what has really been going on? She's already aware that it's caused stress in your marriage, so confronting her shouldn't be too hard or awkward..


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## no woman no cry (Nov 3, 2012)

My thought is both of their stories will be the same as I have a feeling he has talked to her since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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