# New member - seeking help!



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

Hi. Im 38 and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I have a 10 year old son from my previous marriage. My son has never known his real mother and is under the impression that my wife is his mother. He loves her dearly as any child would and she does not ill-treat him. However, she has always maintained that she does not love him. Lately over the last couple years, things have worsened and she resents him. She feels like she is putting up with an unwanted member in the family and hates the sight of him most of the time. She now has little or no interaction with him and i care for all his needs. He seems to have understood the new equation in the house over the last 6 months or so and keeps away from her as well unless he has to interact. He is a very well mannered and obedient kid and she feels guilty that she is treating him this way. But she feels she cant do anything to change these feelings. Needless to say, my relationship with her is strained and there are many arguments and fights centered around this issue. I try to indulge her as much as i can by taking her out as often as i can (just the 2 of us) and buying her stuff. But this doesn't seem to be helping. I have never sought help or shared this issue with anyone so far. Any advise would be greatly appreciated...


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She seems to be quite cruel, this is a child she's known since he was 4. I will always put my child first, stop buying her things and ask her she goes to therapy or you leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So your 10 year old son thinks it's his MOTHER treating him this way?!?!? Wow. That's brutal. It's bad enough that his stepmother treat him that way, but as far as he knows, this is his own mother! That is completely unacceptable and is going to scar the poor kid for life.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Pick one.

You can't have both.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mablenc said:


> She seems to be quite cruel, this is a child she's known since he was 4. I will always put my child first, stop buying her things and ask her she goes to therapy or you leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. You owe it to your son to provide him an emotionally healthy environment to grow up. If your wife (who knew what she was getting in to) can't be part of that and refuses to work on it, then she needs to go.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

It's not even a contest in my book. Protect your son. 

Time to go into papa bear mode, and if that means she leaves, so be it.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was brought up by someone I understood was my mother, later there was evidence that she is not. However, this did nothing to assuage the hurt that comes from not being comforted for real by your "mother" when you are sick, for being properly advocated for, for not feeling abandoned when "Mom" needed trips to the Caribbean or sailing on Windjammers on the Maine coast while I got shuttled off to friends' homes, and then left behind/abandoned a few times when "Mom" needed undivided attention from my father that he was unable to give (due to working to keep up with her income demands meanwhile I was doing all of "Mom"'s housework including cooking dinner for the entire family, setting the table (with linens and crystal no less) and doing the dishes as well...and my Calculus homework and essays, along with laundry, vaccuming, dusting and silly things like washing the stairs weekly and scrubbing her legit son's urine off the walls where they whizzed upstairs.

If she doesn't love him now, she's never going to love him. It's HORRIBLE to live in a house where the people who live in it are SUPPOSED to love you and they don't. It's terrible to feel like you shouldn't exist and are in the way, when you are nowhere but in your own LEGITIMATE life to begin with.

Make your choice, give your son a world where he lives under a roof filled with love (this is called a home, by the way) or continue to give him food, shelter, clothing and balance between being loved and being despised. But in that balance, remember that it takes 20 positives to balance off each and every slight negative. For kids I think the ratio is even higher. As an adult, would I live in such a situation? No freakin way. Kids have sucky lives all around if you ask me. They're made to put up with ridiculous situations and live in inhuman conditions that they're ill equipped to deal with, they're dis-empowered and when they do advocate for themselves they end up in counseling or drugged or put into juvenile hall. I admire the kids who lash out on behalf of themselves. 

Oh, my so-called "Mom" showed up after so many years of abandonment when my father died and she wanted to claim my inheritance on behalf of herself as I was still a minor. If something happened to you, do you really think your wife is going to look out for your son? Do you realize what his life will be like? Bound by law to a woman who despises him, who will be in control of his assets? How much do you really love him? Show it.

The other issue is your son's safety. The prevalence and incidence of mental illness is fairly high. Your wife has shown a certain predisposition that's unfavorable (to be euphemistic) towards your son. If she perceives him as a threat to her own security and her own dream life with you, she may, even if subconsciously, not really look out for his welfare. At the worst extreme, she could contribute to or encourage his delinquency, set him up/frame him to be pitted against you and to fall out of your favor, and if that doesn't work, who knows. Trust me, I have seen people, adult women, fall under various delusions convinced of certain "facts" that are true to nobody but themselves. Not to scare you, but having worked in mental health and also seen first hand a number of these types of women, including my "mother" but not limited to her, it's more common than you think. It's not just men who abuse their stepchildren when the mothers aren't around, women are just as capable of that. 

If she's not into your kid, cut the ties now and minimize damage. 
You can apologize to your kid for how he's been treated, it will be fine.


----------



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

Thank you for replying. I have spent the last three years showing patience and hoping that her feelings would change. I have seen that when i show her more care and spend money on her, she makes a better effort to be good to my son. But lately, over the last 6 months or so - nothing seems to work. She gets irritated by his voice and tries her best to have as little visual contact with him. I cant get him stuff without her being upset. It has been very painful for me and i think she is hurting as well. I think she is also ashamed of her behavior as it makes her feel small - but she cant control it. She also feels that we are living a sub-optimal life. I think separation is inevitable. I'm worried about how my son is going to take it. Its reassuring to see in your comments that this is the right thing to do.


----------



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So your 10 year old son thinks it's his MOTHER treating him this way?!?!? Wow. That's brutal. It's bad enough that his stepmother treat him that way, but as far as he knows, this is his own mother! That is completely unacceptable and is going to scar the poor kid for life.


I have always tried to give him as much love and affection as i could to make up for what he was missing from a mother. Unfortunately this has not worked well for my relationship with her. I'm stuck in between my responsibilities towards my son and my wife - and to an extent i think i have failed at both.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say that she can't control her feelings... What has she done to try? Counselling (either family or individual)? Does she discuss with you why she feels the way she does? Something more in depth than "I can't stand the sound of his voice"...

C


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Your son is your first responsibility. If she can't accept and love him... She has to go..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WTF is wrong with you? You are allowing your son to be emotionally abused by the woman he thinks is he mother. Just because she doesn't hit him doesn't mean he doesn't feel her resentment and hatred!

You and your son must leave her! YOU are the parent! Your job is to parent and that means you protect your son!

I can't believe you even need this to be explained?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RK23 said:


> I have always tried to give him as much love and affection as i could to make up for what he was missing from a mother. Unfortunately this has not worked well for my relationship with her. I'm stuck in between my responsibilities towards my son and my wife - and to an extent i think i have failed at both.


You have failed at both. But one of those jobs is a child and the other in an adult. Who do we protect, those who can't protect themselves or those who chose to be selfish, uncaring, and undeserving of a second chance!


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Something's pushing W's buttons.... probably something suppressed from childhood. She sounds puzzled by her actions too. It's controlling her, not the other way around. 

Why not try some family counseling? Take the money & time you're using to appease her with dates & gifts, and put them toward IC/MC/FC. Please. Now.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It may - MAY - be true that your wife cannot control her feelings. But she sure as hell CAN control her actions. And her actions are saying that she does NOT care enough to control her behaviour towards your son.

And you're right - you may have failed at both relationships. But like someone else pointed out, your son MUST take priority. He is a child. A hurting child. Don't wait to act till it's too late.


----------



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> You say that she can't control her feelings... What has she done to try? Counselling (either family or individual)? Does she discuss with you why she feels the way she does? Something more in depth than "I can't stand the sound of his voice"...
> 
> C


She has taken the approach that avoidance is the best way for her to deal with it. We haven't had any counseling so far. I have suggested it to her many times but she has always been unwilling to do it. Although she has told me that shes ok if i want to do it myself. 

Recently she has told me that she knows what a counselor would say - that this marriage cannot work and we should part ways. 

She does however, speak regularly to her friends and family about these issues and her friends have told her that if she is finding it so hard to accept this then she should leave. Her parents have always advised her to show patience and acceptance. I try to avoid any display of affection towards him in front of her as this infuriates her. She doesn't take it out on my son - its me who bears the brunt of her foul mood when this happens.

When I said "she cant stand the sound of his voice.." i meant that she comes home for work and goes in the room till he has finishes his dinner and gone to bed before she comes out.. and she listens to music with headphones on sometimes so she can avoid hearing him talk to me..but she isnt verbally abusive towards him... she just blocks him out..

She has always maintained that she loves me and the only reason she is in this marriage is because she doesn't want to lose me. She agrees that she is very possessive by nature and finds the thought of sharing me with my son very frustrating.

from what i see online on forums, most mothers do not have any love for their stepchildren..but i wasnt aware of what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior till now. i want to persuade her that we see a counselor...and if she is still reluctant.. i will have to end this.. i dont think she will fight it as she is hurting as well..


----------



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> WTF is wrong with you? You are allowing your son to be emotionally abused by the woman he thinks is he mother. Just because she doesn't hit him doesn't mean he doesn't feel her resentment and hatred!
> 
> You and your son must leave her! YOU are the parent! Your job is to parent and that means you protect your son!
> 
> I can't believe you even need this to be explained?


i love her..i have spent six years with her...i have always felt that even if she is unable to care for my son, i have it in me to take on that responsibility completely..but i understand now that this approach is not doing any of us any good ... which is why im here seeking some answers that i already had in my head but have been too emotional about it to make a decision..


----------



## RK23 (Dec 10, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Something's pushing W's buttons.... probably something suppressed from childhood. She sounds puzzled by her actions too. It's controlling her, not the other way around.
> 
> Why not try some family counseling? Take the money & time you're using to appease her with dates & gifts, and put them toward IC/MC/FC. Please. Now.


Thank you. 

I intend to tell her over the next couple days that if we cant see a counselor then we need to part ways. I will not drag this on any further - as i have done in the past (in the hope that things get better).


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RK23 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I intend to tell her over the next couple days that if we cant see a counselor then we need to part ways. I will not drag this on any further - as i have done in the past (in the hope that things get better).


Good for you! When there is conflict in a marriage over the children, your first priority is to you children; their health and their safety. The time you've invested in your marriage is meaningless to the very life that is being damaged by her resentment to your son. You can't change your wife and it doesn't sound like she is even open to change. 

It doesn't matter what her past is. What matters is your sons future!


----------



## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

She knew you had a son when you married, it's not like this was sprung on her unawares. As an adult, she can choose the way she treats him - it is possible to be respectful and caring even if she doesn't love him. As a parent, I'm not sure how you've put up with this for so long, and I am glad to see that you are adamant about addressing it in the immediate future.

You haven't mentioned if you intend to let him know she isn't his biological mother. I have a friend in the situation where her daughter grew up believing her stepfather was her bio. father (with the difference that he genuinely loves and cares for her, even now). When the daughter found out as a young adult that he wasn't, she refused to speak to her mother or stepfather for many years (she felt that they had lied to her all her life). She now has a precarious relationship with her mother, and no contact with her stepfather, to the ongoing grief of both of them. 

I think your son deserves the truth.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Chana said:


> You haven't mentioned if you intend to let him know she isn't his biological mother.
> I think your son deserves the truth.


I agree with this. When he becomes an adult he will have a better chance of understanding what was going on and why she didn't love him. However, he is also going to mad at you if you don't tell him and he finds out when he is an adult, even more so if you made him stay with her his entire childhood.


----------

