# Need advice



## Kell (Jan 31, 2012)

1st post, I apologize if this topic has been covered before ...

I have to admit im somewhat embarrassed by posting, but Im hoping to get some advice, on my situation.

Again I apologize if this has been covered before I just feel I need to put it out there 

as you can see I joined in 2012, but this is my first post 

I'm sure its not unlike anyone elses , I just am really struggling with it 

Been with my wife since HS, I was her 1st boyfriend, were each others 1st sexual experience, 

Like the "American dream" We dated, married, had kids, the whole white picket fence thing... however after we were married, slowly over time she stopped doing certain things sexually, with no explanation...

Sorry if this is too graphic, but she completely stopped anal, which im OK with , kids screw the plumbing up downstairs, and now its painful... I can deal with it , but she all the sudden stopped Oral as well .... she used to finish it... Without complaint. 

She slowly over the years, has also become more and more distant , now I have to beg to get her to even look at me . 

As a matter of fact the only time she showed any interest in me is when an ex was flirting with me 2 years ago 

We've been arguing about it for years...she says she doesn't mind doing it , but just never thinks to .... which I think hurts more than hearing her say she hates it . 

Now we do have sex...its not a rarity, but its not even a fraction of what it used to be 

Her argument is that shes always tired from work and dealing with the kids when she gets home..which I understand, 

But I do the same thing , not to mention working out religiously, coaching sports , teaching , I also take the kids to all the after school activities, they are into, appointments, you name it . 

I love her immeasurably, Im not one of those guys who isn't attracted to his wife anymore , yes shes gained a lot of weight, but it doesnt bother me at all, shes my 1! still the girl I asked to dance 25 years ago

Now before its suggested, ive tried all the romance, getaways, expensive gifts, ( 3years ago I bought her a $3,000 diamond ring, for xmas....I got a hug for it ) I do everything that needs to be done, "I love yous" every day ... she doesn't drive so I have to take her and the kids everywhere . I've talked to counselors, she's been tested for hormones , thyroid etc.. Nothing. 

We've talked (fought ) about it till we are blue in the face 

She basically comes home, and crashes in front of the TV... If were laying there in bed, sometimes shell make dinner, if she doesnt I will, or well order something ...shell watch TV, and If I ask her anything its like I'm pestering her . 

Initiating sex, forget it if I don't ask, there's no chance...and Ive experimented with how long before it would be brought up I lasted about 6 weeks , before I had to say something 

Buddies tell me to go "scratch an itch, but I'm not the cheating kind (though to be completely I've thought about it) .. which bothers me somewhat that id even think that's what might have had to be done.

Any advice???? I don't know what else to do I *don't* want a divorce, I need to see her and my kids every day, I don't want to lose her, but there is NO return emotionally , no matter what I do


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, it's been covered many times, rarely with success. You can try the "married mans sex life primer". But honestly, you've taken your only real bargaining chip off the table, and it seems that she knows it. She knows that she can just mail it in, and you're not going to do anything about it. So she has no reason to change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Kell said:


> 1st post, I apologize if this topic has been covered before ...
> 
> I have to admit im somewhat embarrassed by posting, but Im hoping to get some advice, on my situation.
> 
> ...


Man, I knew for sure after this that you had some pretty serious confidence issues, even before getting into the meat of your post. And why not, right? The woman you've pledged your life to acts as though you just don't do it for her any more, and that's crushing as hell. I know exactly how it feels.

And trust me when I say that one of the first items on your to-do list is to rediscover your confidence in yourself, be it working out regularly, counseling, rediscovering interests and hobbies, whatever it takes. You were probably a confident guy before you met your wife; that's probably one of the things that attracted her to you. You can regain that confidence without her validation. I promise you can. And you'll be surprised how that improved mind frame impacts your marriage.

There's a lot going on here, and other posters will focus on different aspects of your issue, but that's where I'd start. Just so you know, rediscovering yourself is a process, not an event.


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## Lynn.Roemer (Jun 29, 2014)

The weight thing?

a) she gains weight because she doesn't want to have sex, or

b) she doesn't want to have sex because she's gained the weight.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You say you've talked/fought about it until you're blue in the face. 

First, discussions of this nature shouldn't be a fight. If it becomes one, walk away and try it again another time. If she's in fighting mode, you've already lost.

Second, I'm assuming some of the discussions were of a calm, rational nature. What does she say when you make it clear what your feelings are? Does she express any empathy? Does she indicate she's willing to work with you on the issue? Or is it "just the way it is"? I think this is a major tell. If she's willing to work with you, you've got a shot, as long as you BOTH work on it. This means for you...looking beyond the obvious things (hygiene, weight, etc) and take a long hard look at your own behavior. Sometimes you think you're doing the absolute best you can, and that's exactly the problem.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Just going to second the reading of MMSLP and No More Mr. Nice Guy too.

They might not be a perfect fix for you but will most likely open some other avenues to think about.

Good luck.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

One thing that stuck out was that your W showed interest when your X was flirting. You might benefit from reinventing yourself and attracting female attention. Don't cheat! But your wife might be one who will stake her claim if another female is sniffing around. 

Your call. And I'm not responsible if your W decks you. lol


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Seems like you are doing way too much for her as your post reads like you are carrying most of the family load.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Kell said:


> Now before its suggested, ive tried all the romance, getaways, expensive gifts, ( 3years ago I bought her a $3,000 diamond ring, for xmas....I got a hug for it )


Do you frequently do things for your wife expecting that she'll pay you back with hot sex? Were you expecting sex in return for that $3000 ring?

Are you a "covert contracts" guy?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Kell
Having a partner gradually reduce intimacy is absolutely miserable, you have my sympathies. I don't think a relationship can be happy without sex. A few thoughts.

Any chance its medical / hormonal - is she on different BC or anythign? Many women have reported loss of libido with some forms of BC.

Have you told here clearly (but not accusingly) just how much this matter to you? 

Be careful of the following: Since you want sex and aren't getting it,. it may be difficult for you to be physically intimate without wanting it to proceed to sex. (understandable). The problem is that she will start to get the impression that ALL you want is sex. At the same time she can start to think that everything you do is an attempt at bribing her for sex. You of course feel constantly rejected and frustrated.

The problem is hers, but not yours, but you are her and she isn't. Might she be willing to go to counseling?

In the end, if you cant convince here to change, you have 3 choices:

Live like a monk. (miserable)
Cheat (dishonorable)
Leave (abandoning the woman you love). 

They are really awful choices, and it is terrible that she has put you in this spot.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Kell
> Having a partner gradually reduce intimacy is absolutely miserable, you have my sympathies. I don't think a relationship can be happy without sex. A few thoughts.
> 
> Any chance its medical / hormonal - is she on different BC or anythign? Many women have reported loss of libido with some forms of BC.
> ...



I agree with a lot of this, but this part is debatable. If a spouse cuts the other off from sex without a good reason and shows no interest in addressing the problem, then who has abandoned whom?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not fixable. You do far too much in the household and you're unwilling to leave.

Books aren't going to help this.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

come on, a $3000 ring does not even get a BJ? How can a woman be so stupid to not really go out of her way thanking him for that? the solution for her is obvious, don't buy her anything anymore. get her a card.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey nice guy stop being so nice to her.

When you want her attention, turn off the TV. When she rolls her eyes and coughs up a hair ball you tell her youwant to be with her, not sit beside her as she watches TV. But be sure you have some things to actually converse about. Do it again the next night, and the next night. Put your foot down! You're her husband not an employee!

When you start behaving in a more assertive way she will respond. 

As Rowan already mentioned...covert contracts...talk about buzz kill!

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Personal said:


> Am I right to presume that you believe his wife should provide fellatio following the receipt of $3,000.00?


You know, I've been thinking about this. I think if he wanted a BJ as thanks for the ring, he should have tied is around his d!ck, blindfolded his wife, then told her to find it with her mouth.

I would laugh my ass off if my husband did that to me. "You got my a tongue ring?"


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