# i'm so desperate.. i need some help..



## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

hello everyone! i'm new here. i'm 26 and my H is 32. we've been married for 3 yrs now ( we only dated for 3 months then we decided to get married). I'm currently pregnant due in november. before we got married my H and i have a sex life. but when we got married it started going downhill. we only had sex once in a month, if i get lucky. i'm a sexually active person. i love kissing and foreplay. i love having intimate with my H. especially, now i'm pregnant it's like the urge of my sexual desire doubled. i'm always the one who initiate to have sex with my H but i always get turned down. i really do feel rejected and unattractive. it really hurt so bad. i already talked to him about it but nothing's changed. i don't mind him watching porn as long as he doesn't hide it from me. yesterday, i found out that he's watching porn behind my back he doesn't know that i know. so, i asked him to have sex with me he said no. i asked him sweetly when is the last time he watched porn and masturbated he said it's been a long time that he couldn't remember. i didn't get mad at him from lying i just let it slipped. it's like when it comes to porn he has a lot of energy but when it comes to me he's ALWAYS TIRED. WHY ON EARTH HE HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT? the porn thing really affecting my marriage and i am so depressed. i couldn't even remember the last time we had french kiss and foreplay. i'm starting to despise him. sometimes i don't even wanna stay in the house with him. how come our sex life went downhill we're not even married that long. i can't help comparing him to my ex's. i was happy and satisfied with my sex life before. but now with my H it's so frustrating. and it's a first time for me to use lubricant because i don't get wet. and when we have sex no kiss and foreplay. then he will ask me "are you still far?" it really a turn off. the longest sex that we had was roughly 10 min. please i really need some advice on what to do. i tried everything that i could think of but he always shut me down. i'm thinking that after i give birth i will never initiate to have sex with me anymore. that i don't wanna have to do anything with him. the anger inside me keeps building up. sometimes i just find myself not even wanting to talk to him anymore and wishing the next time i wake up, i won't feel a thing for him.


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

I can feel the desperation and hurt in your words, and I wish that I could give you golden advice that would solve this serious problem. All I can suggest is honesty. Confront your H and tell him exactly how you feel when he chooses porn over you. Be blunt, and tell him that you can't even get wet for him anymore because of his behavior. Men hate to be confronted like this, but it is very effective when you want to get their attention. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and I'm deeply in love with her. But if there was no sex in our marriage, I would leave her. It would break my heart, but I couldn't be happy in a sexless marriage. I hope that everything works out for you, especially with the baby on the way. You sound like a very understanding woman, and you deserve better than he's been giving you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im sorry you're going through this. I went through the porn battle with my H. im still going through it, actually. I found porn on the computer two days ago and when I asked him about it he tried to lie about it. They lie because they are cowards that dont want to have to care about anyone but themselves. they just dont want to be bothered. 

my only suggestion for you is to stop trying to make him have sex with you. it is hurting you and building anger inside of you every time. You know he's not mentally there and is hardly physically there. dont put yourself in that demeaning situation anymore. 

I gave my H an ultimatum a few years ago that he has to stop looking at porn and go to counseling or Im leaving. he didnt automatically start doing either. i ended up being the one to go to counseling first because my anger took over my life. I had no friends and no life anymore. this problem consumed me. I started counseling, went back to school, worked on my boundaries, and worked on making me happy again. My H started going to counseling shortly after that. i think it has helped him a lot. 

we also have programs on our computers that monitor activity. Its a free program called K9 web protection. my H also has a free program on his ipod that blocks porn. 

things are ok between my H and I but it took us many years to get here. we both had a lot of changing to do. even now things are not certain.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

jc32 said:


> I can feel the desperation and hurt in your words, and I wish that I could give you golden advice that would solve this serious problem. All I can suggest is honesty. Confront your H and tell him exactly how you feel when he chooses porn over you. Be blunt, and tell him that you can't even get wet for him anymore because of his behavior. Men hate to be confronted like this, but it is very effective when you want to get their attention. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and I'm deeply in love with her. But if there was no sex in our marriage, I would leave her. It would break my heart, but I couldn't be happy in a sexless marriage. I hope that everything works out for you, especially with the baby on the way. You sound like a very understanding woman, and you deserve better than he's been giving you.


I confronted him several times before. It came to a point that I said some things that I know hurt him but nothing really changed. As much as possible I really wanna save our marriage I want it to work. Especially, this is our first marriage. I even tried to seduced him and even I'm pregnant I still wear sexy clothes for him. If he wants to have sex with me even if im tired i would go for it in a heartbeat. Even I'm deprived from sex Im still in love with my H that's why it just really hurts me a lot that I am goin through this. Thanks for the reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Im sorry you're going through this. I went through the porn battle with my H. im still going through it, actually. I found porn on the computer two days ago and when I asked him about it he tried to lie about it. They lie because they are cowards that dont want to have to care about anyone but themselves. they just dont want to be bothered.
> 
> my only suggestion for you is to stop trying to make him have sex with you. it is hurting you and building anger inside of you every time. You know he's not mentally there and is hardly physically there. dont put yourself in that demeaning situation anymore.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to stop asking him to have sex with me but sometimes i just can't help it. I actually stopped sending him sweet messages and calling him when he's at work. sometimes i feel like our marriage is not going to last because of this. To make it worse he will be leaving soon for another deployment so even i want my H and i to go to a therapist i dont think it will happen. i won't be surprise if the anger that i have inside me will take over my life and will hate him.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

Sounds like a tough situation. Will he go to counseling? If you asked him already then What has he said? Just my opinion, but why don't you talk to him about a date night. It may not be the romantic thing to do but maybe scheduling this in the short time future may help a little. 

I am not a therapist but I can only tell you what I did during our marriage. My wife had endometriosis and cysts on her ovaries during the years we were together. She had many very painful times during her period as well. That also meant 5 surgeries and many sexless nights during those times. I have to say I watched porn, told her that I masturbated when I had to. I was very supportive to her and I rarely if ever turned her down for sex. Many times we had to schedule our sex around her periods and ovulation times. We had a very good sex life even with those problems. 

It sounds like he is putting too much into his porn and not toward you. 

I wish the best for you and I hope all works out for you.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

holdingtwenty said:


> Sounds like a tough situation. Will he go to counseling? If you asked him already then What has he said? Just my opinion, but why don't you talk to him about a date night. It may not be the romantic thing to do but maybe scheduling this in the short time future may help a little.
> 
> I am not a therapist but I can only tell you what I did during our marriage. My wife had endometriosis and cysts on her ovaries during the years we were together. She had many very painful times during her period as well. That also meant 5 surgeries and many sexless nights during those times. I have to say I watched porn, told her that I masturbated when I had to. I was very supportive to her and I rarely if ever turned her down for sex. Many times we had to schedule our sex around her periods and ovulation times. It sounds like he is putting too much into his porn and not toward you.
> 
> I wish the best for you and I hope all works out for you.


i asked him before to go to a marriage counseling but he said we don't need it because there's nothing wrong with our marriage although he knows that i complained about our sex life. for him "not having intimacy" is not a problem in our marriage. about the date night i did that too. i'm always the one who asked him to go out on a date with me like eat out in a restaurant. but most of the time he'd rather want to take the food to go. in our entire of marriage he never asked me out. he never even complemented me. that's why what i'm going through depressed me a lot. this is the only time i've been in this situation. in my past relationships it wasn't like this.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

holdingtwenty said:


> Sounds like a tough situation. Will he go to counseling? If you asked him already then What has he said? Just my opinion, but why don't you talk to him about a date night. It may not be the romantic thing to do but maybe scheduling this in the short time future may help a little.
> 
> I am not a therapist but I can only tell you what I did during our marriage. My wife had endometriosis and cysts on her ovaries during the years we were together. She had many very painful times during her period as well. That also meant 5 surgeries and many sexless nights during those times. I have to say I watched porn, told her that I masturbated when I had to. I was very supportive to her and I rarely if ever turned her down for sex. Many times we had to schedule our sex around her periods and ovulation times. We had a very good sex life even with those problems.
> 
> ...


and by the way i have polycystic ovarian cysts in my both ovaries and he hated the fact that we need to have sex on a certain dates. i'm glad i got pregnant.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

Try to hang in there. Be strong. I know you have told him how you feel but try writing it down in a letter and give it to him. Doing this forces him to read and listen to you without cutting you off in mid sentence. Let him know how you feel without being mean or vindictive. 

By the way, just about every single guy I know watches porn. Almost every single guy friend I have has sent me porn in an email (and I have reciprocated). Men are stimulated visually while women are usually stimulated emotionally (I think). I always used porn to help my sex life when I could. If I knew I may have sex with my wife and really wasn't in the mood, I may watch a little porn before we went to bed. That always got me in the mood. The problem comes when porn becomes obsessive and affects normal routines.

Just a few thoughts: Have you thought about watching porn together? That may help. How about using sex toys. My wife got into them and it enhanced our sex life. Have you thought about masturbating yourself? I know it is not like being with your husband but taking care of yourself may(?) make you less angry. You don't have to follow any of these just think about them if you haven't already.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Your husband is lucky to have you, yet not smart to realized this. This site contain many good advise, I've used some of them for my wife to read...it have help her to understand me a bit. I didnt point her to this site but just some of the posting are interesting to send off...copy/paste


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

My friend's husband was not responsive to her (they have a 3 yr old daughter), so she told him she would leave him unless he went to counseling, she got so fed up.

Guess what? He called counselors and made the appointment, he wanted to go because he did not want her to leave him, and now they are so happy together. He is taking some special classes to deal with his stress, and she says they have never been happier.

Does your H want to be married? Would you leave him if he refuses to change? Those are the 2 most important questions. If he wants to be married, *and* you threaten to leave unless he joins you in counseling, then he will join you and it may work out. If either condition is not met, be prepared to stay angry. Unless of course you can accept your life the way it is. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is up to you though, to decide what behaviors you will tolerate, and now you are tolerating his neglect. 

By the way, not all men watch porn. I love it, but can't get my H to watch it with me, he can't stand it, finds it a waste of time...prefers the real thing.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

holdingtwenty said:


> Try to hang in there. Be strong. I know you have told him how you feel but try writing it down in a letter and give it to him. Doing this forces him to read and listen to you without cutting you off in mid sentence. Let him know how you feel without being mean or vindictive.
> 
> By the way, just about every single guy I know watches porn. Almost every single guy friend I have has sent me porn in an email (and I have reciprocated). Men are stimulated visually while women are usually stimulated emotionally (I think). I always used porn to help my sex life when I could. If I knew I may have sex with my wife and really wasn't in the mood, I may watch a little porn before we went to bed. That always got me in the mood. The problem comes when porn becomes obsessive and affects normal routines.
> 
> Just a few thoughts: Have you thought about watching porn together? That may help. How about using sex toys. My wife got into them and it enhanced our sex life. Have you thought about masturbating yourself? I know it is not like being with your husband but taking care of yourself may(?) make you less angry. You don't have to follow any of these just think about them if you haven't already.


the first thing i did was write him a letter he read it and he told me the next time i'm gonna write him a letter he won't read it. he prefer to tell him straight. so i did. none of those worked. we watched porn together (i initiated it) several times but only 3 times we had sex the rest he just go to the bathroom and masturbated. so i stopped asking him to watch porn with me because it made me more frustrated. we have toys but he's not into using it while having sex. so it's like "on our own" which really sucks. i tried masturbating but it's not the same. i'm passionate so i'd rather doing it with my H.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

MotoDude said:


> Your husband is lucky to have you, yet not smart to realized this. This site contain many good advise, I've used some of them for my wife to read...it have help her to understand me a bit. I didnt point her to this site but just some of the posting are interesting to send off...copy/paste


thanks. my H is not into this stuff.


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## pearl26 (Sep 26, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> My friend's husband was not responsive to her (they have a 3 yr old daughter), so she told him she would leave him unless he went to counseling, she got so fed up.
> 
> Guess what? He called counselors and made the appointment, he wanted to go because he did not want her to leave him, and now they are so happy together. He is taking some special classes to deal with his stress, and she says they have never been happier.
> 
> ...


yes. my H wants to be married. he told me he waited for this. don't get me wrong he is a good husband but not a lover. and to answer your second question i would leave him if he refuses to change because i know in my heart that i can't go on in a sexless marriage. but i'll do anything to save my marriage. i haven't tried to threaten him because he has a lot of things on his plate right now. i don't think counseling is an option right now because they are deploying soon but i will still try to ask him again. the last time i asked him he said we don't need it. it's like he doesn't wanna acknowledge that we have some problem. i'm so glad there's a forum like this at least i have some let out. thanks for the advice.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

Let's see---your husband:

Doesn't want to have sex much with you.
Won't read any more letters you write to him
doesn't think there is anything wrong with the marriage
Refuses to go to counseling
Has no problem living with you as a roommate
Sounds like he would rather have the porn than you


The only thing you can do is go to counseling by yourself. Only you can decide whether or not to leave him or give him an ultimatum. I do know that if you do nothing you will just get more and more angry at him. Your situation is even more difficult since you are pregnant. I do not know how close you are to friends and family but try to strengthen your bond with them and tell them how you feel (if you are comfortable doing that).


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pearl26 said:


> sometimes i feel like our marriage is not going to last because of this.


be careful about attributing all the problems in your marriage to this. Your H is emotionally immature and unhealthy. Healthy people are not attracted to dysfunctional people. His porn problem and lying is not the whole sum of the dysfunction in your marriage. If you do decide to leave him, you have to make sure you know why you attracted someone unhealthy. if you dont change, you will attract the same nut in a different shell. 

How are you indepent wise? friends? money? emotionally? I dont know your situation, but in mine i relied on my H almost exclusively for every single one of these things. that's not healthy. I made little money. I felt trapped. emotionally he was all I had. I didnt care about him, I needed him. For this reason I had to make him change. I had no respect for him, his choices, or freedom to do as he chose. it was urgent that he change because I needed him to meet those needs for me. it was him or nothing. Not to mention a slew of other problems i had. If this is also a situation your in, its a huge contributing factor to the downfall of any marriage. If thats not your situation, you have to find out what you're contributing and be able to change it. otherwise you'll find this again.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

As i am a man i want to say i'm sorry.I want you not to feel desperate.Porn can destroy and it happen all to often.What i really want you to do is to keep you heath and the child that you carry in good shape.You have heard great words from people here.Love and wishes for you three.:smthumbup:


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I agree with holdingtwenty.

Did he watch porn before your marriage? I bet he did, and you did not know, or pretended to not know?

Your H sounds immature and selfish. He does not care about you or fixing the marriage. He prefers porn/masturbation over the real thing, and he asks you to hurry up and does not care if you are wet? Yet in every other way he is a great husband? - really??

I agree with holdingtwenty - get counseling and decide what you will do for yourself.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

pearl26 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to stop asking him to have sex with me but sometimes i just can't help it. I actually stopped sending him sweet messages and calling him when he's at work. sometimes i feel like our marriage is not going to last because of this. To make it worse he will be leaving soon for another deployment so even i want my H and i to go to a therapist i dont think it will happen. i won't be surprise if the anger that i have inside me will take over my life and will hate him.


dont spill those anger n frustration juice into ur baby! 
talk to him slowly, tell him how u feel, tell him what u expect from him, tell him y u need him, tell him how u desire for him! talk, dont let anger take over ur mind and find solutions together!


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

While i have to agree to a point with many of the people here about his porn habit being a problem, i wonder too if this is not a symptom as opposed to the cause. Could there be some self created performance anxiety or fear? Could there be an underlying clinical depression?
Just some thoughts.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i have a kinda interesting proposal, what is the wife videos herself doing something sexy/sultry, i.e. striptease or masturbating, and send it to the husband, see how he reacts to the vid? home made porn is still the best porn, eh?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't think he is choosing porn over you - it's a filler right now. There seems to be a hangup he has and who knows what it is and the chances of him telling you what it is are slim to none if he hasn't already. Men have hangups too! my husband isn't really a sex guy and I didnt notice in the beginning because we only saw each other on weekends. He slows down on sex when he is feeling insecure with himself! maybe your husband has something making him feel undesireable. Lets face it - porn videos arent judgemental so he is prob still horny but hes worried about your judgement. It sounds crazy but its possible for him to know you want him and still shoot you down based on his insecurities. I could tell my husband until Im blue in the face that he's sexy but ultimately he as to do stuff that brings im to the state of mind to believe it. 
Take a look at your husband and listen to is complaints about life because the answer could be there. Some popular ones are: job - does he bring home enough and have pride in his work? body - is he in decent shape? nag factor - do you nag him or put him down? baby - does pregnancy freak him out physically? 
Try encouraging him by compliments and ego stroking. If you cant get more sex then confront him on the seriousness of your needs and request that you both attend counseling together because you love him and want to work it out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anderapadoker (Aug 11, 2011)

Marriage is the relationship for life as you have to live for each other and pre-marriage therapy help you to prepare to let you able to do so. As for you decided early to get married but still you need to take some marriage counseling Orange County help in order to save your best and live happy.Minds are changed just for your smiles.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

Blanca said:


> Im sorry you're going through this. I went through the porn battle with my H. im still going through it, actually. I found porn on the computer two days ago and when I asked him about it he tried to lie about it. They lie because they are cowards that dont want to have to care about anyone but themselves. they just dont want to be bothered.
> 
> my only suggestion for you is to stop trying to make him have sex with you. it is hurting you and building anger inside of you every time. You know he's not mentally there and is hardly physically there. dont put yourself in that demeaning situation anymore.
> 
> ...



Do you read romance novels?

Nada


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## Johnfarnandez (Aug 20, 2011)

I agree with holdingtwenty - get counseling and decide what you will do for yourself. as for therapist in Irvine CA are best for your problems. You should chose your near by as convenience is something to consider more than personality when looking for a therapist. Although you of course want a therapist who is at ease to talk to and friendly, you should also take into consideration how many patients he or she sees, because this will determine the amount of time available to be spent on you. Also look at the location from his or her office to your home and consider a therapist who is willing to meet your specific needs.


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