# Close but no cigar



## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi,

I've started to write this post so many times but never seem to get down what I really want to say and how I really feel.

I have been separated from my wife for 5 months now, and for the last 4 I've been desperately trying to get her back. Our situation during this time has gone from her hating me, being so so angry with me and talking about getting a quick divorce to now being as close as we have ever been in probably our whole marriage. But on 3rd April she dropped the BOMB - albeit I think pressurised by me - that she is still not in love with me and doesn't ever see that she will be again.
Through these last 4 months I have used what I suppose you may call, a 'cut down' version of the 180 and in most respects it has worked quite well. My big failings, if you can call them that, is that I have continued to tell her that I love her, and have been quite generous with gifts, complements and 'nice' things. I have also agreed on occasion to go back home to fix her car and stuff that you would expect a 'husband only' to do.

I have been successful in not instigating any communications between us and have tried to look after myself as best I can to create a more positive image ( separation & distance do make the last bit more difficult). 
I have never begged, pleaded or grovelled and have not instigated any R talk although she has - and lots of it. We have engaged in deep conversations long into the night with about how I was, her trust issues with me, how I have changed, why I was like I was, how much better we now get on, etc etc. 

There have been a couple of occasions during this period that she has literally been a hairs breadth away from re-committing to our relationship but at the last minute and upon reflection has backed off again. These times have been soul destroying believe me.

A few weeks ago I got a little impatient and said that she really needed to think about whether we had a future together ( dumb dumb dumb! ) and ILYBNILWY BOMB was the result.

On 17th April she emailed me to say that there was no chance of a reconcilliation and that she could never see a time that she would ever be 'in love' with me again. She said that she was happy and had now moved on and that she was going to divorce me at some point but that it was not a priority just yet. 

There is also the complication of an OM, who I believe is one of 2 new 'soul-mates' that she has found. She insists that she does not want to get into a 'relationship' with this man but that she is just enjoying her new found freedom. I do actually believe her. Her social life at the moment is quite hectic unlike mine which is woeful - new location, no friends etc.

Now I feel like I did 4 months ago, back to square one, and not coping with anything particularly well. Just need someone to try to straighten me out a little and to point me in the right direction for the next couple of months.
I am still not happy with the content of this post but I hope that someone will maybe ask a few questions that will allow me to maybe fill in the blanks

Thanks for reading

Gammy


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She has already told you there is "no chance of reconciliation."

So you need to believe her.

Waywards are notorious for not filing for a D when they clearly do not want the marriage either. They string you along until they are ready emotionally to cut it off for good.

My advice is to move on. No contact. She wants out--you give it to her. That means she loses you as an emotional support system. Be a ghost. The way she has been to you. 

As you know, as long as there is a third party in the picture, you can't restore your marriage. Ever. So unless she cuts it off with him completely, you have no chance. That may sound harsh, but it's true. 

Eventually you need to decide if waiting for someone who has told you it's already over is the way you want to live the rest of your life.

Your move.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She wants YOU to divorce HER. She sees herself as a victim in all of this and will take all steps to maintain that belief. 

No matter how much my wife hates me, denigrates me, tells me I'm worthless, or worse, she will never ever ever ever be the one to end it. Why? So she can hang on the cross and maintain her innocence.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

JB & RLD,

Harsh medicine indeed!

I don't dispute what you are saying JB, but achieving the desired outcome is made more difficult because we have 3 children who I need to keep in contact with.
Every day that i'm away from home I get stronger & feel better about myself, but when I go back to see the kids and see her again, I hit the floor once more.
We have 25yrs shared history, and 22yrs of marriage. A lot of water has passed under the bridge. There is a lot to off-load for both of us. 
NC is the way forward I think but is is hard to accomplish with the children.

RLD - I'm not convinced that she wants me to divorce her. I think she would be SO shocked if I did. I may just do it though, just to p*ss her off. I could cite adultery as the reason. Now THAT would set the cat amongst the pigeons, particularly when the MIL found out.........

I'm not that nasty. I like the MIL

Gammy


Gammy


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does she have plans to move out? 

I don't think a divorce should be filed w/ the intention of pissing the other party off. It should be done when you have exhausted all efforts at reconciliation.

As you know, it takes two for that to happen.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

JB,

Only joking about the filing to piss her off. That kind of thing is not in my nature.
I have already moved out, we've been separated for 5 months now. She does want to sell the house though, we both do. No hassle about splitting everything 50/50. It's all really calm between us except she has moved on & I haven't.

Just hoping that she has a re-think at some point and realises that there is still some mileage left in 'us'

I would like to suggest MC - i'm doing it solo at the moment - but I reckon she will say that there is nothing left to discuss.

Gammy


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Gammyleg said:


> JB,
> 
> Only joking about the filing to piss her off. That kind of thing is not in my nature.
> I have already moved out, we've been separated for 5 months now. She does want to sell the house though, we both do. No hassle about splitting everything 50/50. It's all really calm between us except she has moved on & I haven't.
> ...


I just recently asked my STBX?!? to go to MC with me in a different manner, and I am honestly approaching it in the manner I asked her. Like youwe have children where things are now if she divorces me I will have a hard time being civl with her let alone friends.

So I asked I am asking you out of friendship and the sake of our kids, will you go to MC with me. We have issues that need to be worked on whther we get a divorce or not. If we keep walking the path we are on one if not both of us are going to be resentful and start playing mommy daddy politics on our children. She asked to think about it two days later she told me yes she would like to go to MC. 

She has since asked me again why I wanted to go. I told her honestly that the reason I asked her is the main reason because just like she can't see us married I can't see us as friends if we get a divorced, (she took that rather hard emotionaly though she didn't admit it) I have secondary reasons and I am sure you know what they are that I didn't tell youat the time but my primary reason is the reason I asked you to go.

Secnd session is this Weds.and strangley we are both looking forward to it.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Thanks NG13, food for thought.

Below is the email that my W sent me, dropping the BOMB. It will add a little in the way of background & context. I think it sums up exactly where she is right now.

"I am writing to you to make it very clear so that you fully understand that we are over and there will not be any reconcillation. 

I am sorry if I have misled you, I know I probably have, but I really do not want to go back ever again. You confused me when you gave up the weed but it was too late as I had lost all the love I had ever had for you a long time ago and I know it will never come back. I gave you 25 years, and have some happy memories and we did have three great kids also to be grateful for. Unfortunately, it all went wrong a long time ago and I did not see it at the time or maybe I did not want to see it because it was too painful to deal with. For a long time I thought it was me, and tried everything to work things out. I am sorry to say however, knowing how you feel, that I no longer love you and have moved on with my life. 

I know how hard this will be for you and I am truly sorry. What you never understood was that I felt so low a lot of the time because I could not make you see what was happening to us. I cried many tears over the years, and I had thought, having looked at other peoples relationships that we had something special, so stuck at it. It would have been so different if you had played a bigger part in our marriage. Anyway, I dont want to over old ground about ifs, and whys so I will stop now. 

I know you can be happy again, as I always said, you will give someone else what you should have given me, because we all learn from our mistakes. Please dont get in touch to talk about it, I really have moved on and I am happy. It goes without saying, you need to keep in though with the children though, afterall you are still their Father. I wish you well and do hope you take care of yourself.

p.s. I will still be selling the house and as we agreed 50/50. I will be divorcing you at some time, but that is not a priority at the moment. Take care"


I can't argue any of the points raised in this as they are all basically true.
Gammy


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

> as I always said, you will give someone else what you should have given me, because we all learn from our mistakes


So Gammy, what did you do throughout your relationship with your W that has caused it to go beyond repair? I'm just going by the quote from above.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi KGF

What did I do? Now there's a question. I think it was more of a case of what I didn't do.
As her mail says, she was 'confused when I gave up the weed'. This was what ultimately killed our relationship. I was using dope daily for over 10yrs which gradually just switched of my emotions toward her, my family & friends. It turned me into a selfish, angry, insular person who didn't/couldn't empathise with anyone or anything.
When our marriage finally hit the rocks at the end of last year I finally saw what it was doing to me and stopped - permanently. I've been clean for 9 months and have never felt better. I can't believe the difference it has made to me. All my friends and family have noticed the changes, including W, but by the time that I had finally got 'straight' my W had checked out of the marriage.
The last part kills me because up until about a month before she called it quits, she was still desparate to save us but I hadn't quite mentally reached where I am now. The effects of the dope took 2 months to noticeably wear off and I still think that there is more to come.

There were many times over the last 10 years when I wasn't there for her when she needed me. The most painful for her was when her father died. I did what I could to help but being in an emotional vacuum meant that I just couldn't see or empathize as to what a traumatic time it was for her. Looking back I feel so ashamed of what I did and it was all so avoidable.

Well that's it in a nutshell. There are reasons for why I started doing the dope, reasons that I have uncovered during therapy sessions but ultimately they don't change my current situation, only explain why it happened.

Anyway, i'm off to see the kids for the day and i'm running late. I could add more detail but don't have the time at the moment.

Thanks 

Gammy


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Had a good afternoon with the kids. We went out for a long walk on the beach with the dog. W had gone out by the time I arrived, don't know where or who with.
Spent the evening with BF & his GF + another couple + kids. Had a couple of drinks and went for a nice italian meal. On the way home W texted that she won't be coming home tonight - again.

God I hate this sh*t . I think she is trying to avoid me. Whenever we do actually meet she will inevitably bring up R talk and end up crying. I'm not sure if she still has feelings for me or not. Just completely deflated and depressed.

Gammy


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> She wants YOU to divorce HER. She sees herself as a victim in all of this and will take all steps to maintain that belief.
> 
> No matter how much my wife hates me, denigrates me, tells me I'm worthless, or worse, she will never ever ever ever be the one to end it. Why? So she can hang on the cross and maintain her innocence.


Sounds exactly like my wife, wants to be the dumper and dumpee, what a selfish C-word she is.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree:



not recognizable said:


> Sounds like she is trying to avoid you yes, but almost certainly is involved with someone else and therefore really can't access any emotions for your relationship.


Yes, this is what I think. However maybe that is a positive in as much that she feels that she hasn't fully rid herself of her feelings for me and can't trust herself to keep her hands off my god-like body

I live in hope

Gammy


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

W came home early this morning. I was already up and having breakfast. I think I was a little 'short' with her when we first started talking and she asked if I was angry with her. I apologised and said that I was just tired because I didn't sleep well. 
She really doesn't seem to have much time for me at the moment and uses the home as a pit-stop between her new found social life. I don't think that she is looking after the kids as well as she might either. They are old enough to fend for themselves but I don't think that she is 'there' for them if you get what I mean.

Before I left we did hug and kiss. I said I missed her and she said she misssed me but that was quickly followed by ' but i'm not in love with you' . I said that I still loved her and when pressed she said that she still loved me.

Just venting here really, needed to get it off my chest. Feeling cr*p again. Just seeing her does this to me. 
Thankfully I have no need to come back anytime soon, so I can concentrate on trying to put her out of my mind.

Still hurts like hell.

Gammy


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Just discovered from D13 that OM has been to our house. She has met him but does not know who he is - or so she says. I think that she suspects but maybe won't admit to herself.

I am yet again floored by this. 

I also found out that D13 does feel a little neglected by W. W is spending too much time out enjoying herself.

I need to talk to her and have texted to say this. She has just replied - p*ssed off - that she is going to call me.

Gammy


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gammyleg said:


> Below is the email that my W sent me, dropping the BOMB.
> 
> "I am writing to you to make it very clear so that you fully understand that we are over and there will not be any reconcillation.
> 
> ...


Ouch. A hard letter to read.

You know, if you want, you can file divorce. Youdon't have to wait until she's ready to do it. She has already ended your marriage and doesn't get to dictate when the divorce happens. 

Sorry to hear that OM was in your house. 

My advice is to find a lawyer, start planning your next steps and only discuss the children with her at this point.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Ouch indeed. Seems to leave no room for doubt. Her attitude toward me since just before she sent this has been so different to the few months prior when she was friendly and chatty with lots of comms via text, calls and messaging. Now she can barely bring herself to look at me almost, and never contacts me at all. It is a real change of dynamic and very upsetting.

I believe that she has entered this 2nd angry stage as a defense against backsliding on her decision. She has to feel this way to ensure that she won't give me any reason to doubt her intent and to try to drive me away from her. Basically she is sick of all the stress that I seem to cause her when I'm around.
Trouble is I have to be around for the children.

We are going to have to make some changes with the kids. I hate having to go back home to see them. The journey back gets me feeling sick the closer I get, and knowing that OM has been there just compounds it all the more.
W has offered to meet halfway and drop off D13 for weekends with me. It will be really cramped but I'm sure I can work something out.

I hate seeing W now because it causes too much pain. I think a long break from this would do us both good. 

Just wish I could man-up & move on

Gammy


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