# Privacy and Consequences



## FutureUnknown (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi, I've been reading off and on for about a year now, but finally am to the point where I'd like to hear other people's opinions who have been through this.
Some background. I have been married 3 years, and fortunately no children, just a cat and dog. I'm 28 and she's 25, so we were pretty young when we got married. Oddly enough, she was the one pushing for it.

I found out about my Wife's PA 11 months ago, though i had already known about an ongoing EA (does EA still cover it when there is sexting and video chats with nudity?)

We got married May '10. In July, I stumbled upon a text, which eventually turned out be her starting up an account for online webcams. I got very upset, and at the time she was apologetic. I honestly can't remember the excuse at the time, but just 2 months into marriage, i was sadly ready to believe anything.
A few months later, October, I found more texts (she had seemed a bit distant so I started looking through texts) from a guy, nothing specifically bad but seemed somewhat inappropriate. I asked her about him, got some story about an old friend from dance and that he was gay. 

(what will be a common theme is each of these episodes is typically followed by 3 to 4 months of really good time. Her being very loving, everything great. Then she'll stop being so loving, i'll start looking at emails, texts, etc.)

So early the next year, found skype histories. Very graphic, sexual stuff on video back and forth. With the same guy as before. 
Another argument, and her improving. Then about 4 months later found more texts from the same guy. Again.

Kept happening until last April. I knew something was very wrong, I searched everything i could. I found out about drinking, drugs, that was the extent of it. I talked about it with her, and she eventually told me that she had sex with another guy(Not related to the EA in any way)(It wasn't even on my radar, and caught me very off guard. Damaged my trust nearly completely). Initially she told me it was just once, that she had been drunk and that it didn't mean anything about me or our relationship, that it was just a stupid mistake. A few days later she said it was twice and the second time it was kind of him forcing her. 

She was very repentant and was sweet and loving for months afterwards. She was very open and was ok with me going through her texts, checking her iphone location, etc. But as the months went on, she started wanting privacy, getting upset at me for checking up on her, etc.

About 5 months later, there were a few texts from original EA. A smaller argument and she said no more.

Then just last month, things started getting really bad. At the beginning of the month we had a big discussion about our relationship. She said that the affair was because she was bored in our relationship, she needed more excitement, she wanted me to be more spontaneous, etc. (which, as an engineer, I know is true that i can be boring and planned, though I know it doesn't make an affair OK). She said I had let myself go (gained about 15 pounds since marriage).

It seemed pretty off to me, but no one is perfect, and as there were things that I knew i could improve myself, that is what I decided to do because that's the only thing I have control over. 

About a week later she went with her female friend to San Francisco for a dance program. Things seemed fairly good with her (I've gotten a little better about reading her), but I had a weird feeling about it. I checked her iphone location a few times and nothing weird. Then the 2nd to last night, She said she was in Napa, but her phone said a small city like 200 miles away. I called her out on it, she said the iphone must be wrong. I got upset at her, but that was it, she was gone what else could I do at the time. I didn't have any proof, and I did google it, and it seems there are instances that Find My Iphone is really off. That was all I had to go on, so I couldn't prove anything.

She got back, she said I needed to apologize to her friend for the mean things I had said and that I was wrong to not trust her.
She also said she wanted to take a break from marriage, that she's just felt too restricted her whole life and wants to be able to go out and drink with friends if she wants(No drinking in our religion). I told her i thought it was a bad idea, that breaks lead to divorce and it wouldn't fix anything.
The next night, She said she wanted to take a break, that she didn't love me any more. Along with some of the most heartbreaking things I had ever heard. Basically the point was that I was the cause of her straying.
The next day she came to my office, apologized. Said it really wasn't about me, that she just needed to figure out her relationship with God.

I still didn't agree to the break at that time. In my mind, if its over, then its over, otherwise lets try to come to an understanding like adults. 

Ever since she talked to me about her PA, she's been seeing a therapist. I went to the therapist the next week with her and we talked about the break - "Healing separation" as her therapist called it. We eventually agreed on a semi separation, 4 days a week we don't see eachother, but she is just staying in a different bedroom, she didn't move out. That is where we are now.

A very abbreviated story. When its good, its very good, and that is why I've been reluctant to just end it. I was in a few long term relationships before my spouse, and she is so much more loving (during the good times) than any one else I've dated.

It always seems bad when its so abbreviated, and I know 3/4 of the advice will be divorce. But for ever 1 bad month, there was 4 or 5 really really good months that have given me this sense of hope that maybe if I find a way to get beyond this, it will all be good (and that good will be way better than any other relationship I've had).

I'm specifically looking for two bits of advice and experience. First - Through all of this, I've always demanded more openness and she's always complied at first and then gotten away from it. This last time is the first time that she initially did not give in and is from the start demanding privacy. I agree with a lot of the advice I've seen on here, that the only reason she wants privacy is either for a current affair or plans for a future affair. We've discussed this with her therapist, but her therapist is the type that thinks there is no right or wrong answer, its just whatever works for specific people. 
My wife's argument is that I get obsessed with it and that its not a healthy thing for me to keep checking up on, etc. Now, from an objective standpoint, I do agree that its unhealthy for me personally, but a necessity for our relationship. 
This issue is a line in the sand for me. We are still in the process of coming to an agreement, but for me, if she doesn't completely give in forever on the privacy issue, then I think I'm finally ready to divorce her. I wanted to hear from people who were cheated on, who demanded privacy. Do WS usually give in and give up privacy. Are there people out there who dealt with a WS that wanted to keep privacy. What did you do? How should I approach the privacy issue, knowing specifically that her argument is that I get obsessed with it (which at times i have, though typically its because she is lying).

The second piece of advice. In threads written by people like me (doormats), people keep saying she does it because there are no consequences. What consequences are people talking about? What specifically do people do if a text comes from a new guy, or if there was an online facebook chat, etc? Is it always just threaten a divorce? I 'm not sure I understand when people say there needs to be consequences.

And to end the last story. After we started our healing separation, her bank statement came that covered the time she was in california. I opened it, read through it, there was one night that she had a hotel room. (she was staying with her brother so no need for a hotel room). She was still at work so i frantically searched everything of hers. Found a new email account i didn't know about. Found emails back and forth with a guy that lived in that small town that her iphone said she was in. They had sent pictures back and forth to eachother including one from him of him naked. 

I texted her therapist to ask how she thought I should handle it (She was already aware of this one, though i hadn't been). We had set another line in the sand, that she could not have any contact with guys during the separation or I would leave. Her therapist said this was before the separation and that I had the right to do anything but that it was before the agreement.

She got home, I exploded. Was the first time I ever screamed at her. I demanded that all privacy was gone that second. She got angry back, defended herself, said no and that she was leaving. She got in her car to leave. I went inside and really cried for the first time since all of this happened. 

She came back in about 15 minutes later, she had been talking to the therapist as well. She came in and we did a talking method that we had done with the therapist. (One person talks for 10 to 15 minutes and the other person just has to repeat back what they say..then you switch). She said that this guy was the reason why she wanted to do the separation, she had kissed him (is what she said, no sex), she felt really bad and wanted to take time to figure herself out.

This is where I am wondering about consequences. It seems like, whenever there's a line in the sand, the infraction is always so small that going through with the threat (divorce in this case) is a huge consequence. In other words, how do you mentally handle the idea of the straw breaking the camel's back. The last straw is a small thing, and divorce is a huge thing. That is where I struggle now.

Currently we are back to the healing separation. She is very loving right now, and it seems like she thinks we are back to good. I really don't think I'll ever be back to good while privacy is still on the table, but I do want to know where everyone else ended up with privacy in the long run. Do most WS who are sincere give up their privacy forever? Do they eventually want it back?

I know that most of you will say just get a divorce regardless. I know that is probably the best choice for my long term happiness, but its just that small chance that it can be great that keeps me into it even still. 

I've made enough stupid mistakes in life to know that mistakes don't define me and you can move on from it. But at this point, I 'm wanting to make sure I have the control of the situation I need to make sure the mistakes don't continue.

Thanks for taking the time to read everything, and thanks in advance for any advice you can give.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I am having a HUGE problem understanding how you could be here for a whole year and not learned anything..

What are you waiting for to do the 180 and exposing her ?.. 

You do know she is having sex with another man, right ??? 

You do know your letting her and she is walking all over you, right ??

Long story short... 

1. decide if you want your marriage

2. If YES then expose and do the 180

2. IF NO, and you should choose NO for the lack of no respect she has for you or the little care she has for you. Before she pumps out a child and crushes you even more financially, RUNNNN the Fvck AWAY..

All she did was just go with the flow because she had nothing better. Please for all that is holy in this world run away and never turn back..


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is not a marriage. You're just wasting your time with her. Not one single thing has in any way improved, especially her cheating.

Is this really how you want to live your life?

If you're still having sex with her, make sure you're wearing condoms every single time. Neither an STD nor a baby are going to help matters any.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

FutureUnknown said:


> Hi, I've been reading off and on for about a year now, but finally am to the point where I'd like to hear other people's opinions who have been through this.
> Some background. I have been married 3 years, and fortunately no children, just a cat and dog. I'm 28 and she's 25, so we were pretty young when we got married. Oddly enough, she was the one pushing for it.
> 
> I found out about my Wife's PA 11 months ago, though i had already known about an ongoing EA (does EA still cover it when there is sexting and video chats with nudity?)
> ...


Why are you staying with a serial cheater whose made it clear via her actions and by what she's told you directly she doesn't want to be married?

Anyhow, if she was remorseful and had nothing to hide, she would have no need for "privacy." My WS, via his cheating, lost any right to privacy he thought he had. If he wants to stay in this marriage he will live the rest of his years with me having access to all of his phone and online activities, including his work email (he had a short affair with a coworker). If he wants privacy then he gets the single life.....he knows where the door is and is welcome to use it at any time. 

^^^There's an example of one of his consequences when he decided to fool around.

Your wife wanting privacy means she has something to hide, that's it. She isn't the one who should be calling the shots in this situation - I won't call it reconciliation because that's not what you have going on at all.

You have a pattern going on in your marriage and as you know, it isn't good. She plays around, you catch her, she behaves until she's back in your good graces, she goes back to playing around. She hasn't changed and wanting her privacy back is just the next step in the usual pattern. She's either looking to play around again or soon will be. 

Unless you have some really compelling reason to stay married (?), why are you putting up with this bullshiet? Young, and no kids, you say? Divorce her before she has a chance to break your heart again. People like this don't change without SIGNIFICANT help. Even then some of those folks still don't change. 

You also sound codependent and should seek IC so you don't find yourself in the same boat with some other woman in the future.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, what are you doing? You said you saw evidence of improper behavior from your wife right at the start of your marriage, and you thought it was a good idea to let her have her privacy? First, privacy between spouses should be restricted to the bathroom. Everything else should be an open book to your spouse. Unless she's planning a surprise party for you, there is no justification for spouses to keep secrets from each other.

Here's another thing to ponder. Your wife has been cheating on you since the day she's met you. That means she's been seeing other guys while you were dating, while you were engaged and throughout your entire marriage. I see no way for you to salvage this.

So, advice for your next go around with marriage - and even dating. If you are engaged to a woman, you need to establish up front the idea that "privacy does not exist in a marriage - except for the bathroom". And that does not include her running into the bathroom to text her male friends...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is a damaged person and a pathological liar. Google Sunk cost fallacy. The faster you end it, the better. 

Yes, they had sex.

You are still 28 and you don't have kids. You have a wonderful life waiting in front of you...Don't waste it on this woman.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Run.

That's my only advice.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Also, I wanted to share with you my WS's OW, you sound quite a bit like her now xBS. He's put up with multiple affairs in the several years they have been together, to include her leaving him for six months for one of her family members (yes, as weird/sick/bizarre as that is, you read that right).

Her xBS has put up with countless affairs. Even she admitted to him she couldn't remember everyone she screwed around on him with. Her BS even went to jail for her (told the cops he initiated the altercation) after she came after him physically, punching and and kicking. He couldn't bear to see her go to jail :scratchhead:.

He and the OW are not currently together and she's expecting a kid with one of her OM. I also hear she's getting sick of the OM (the father of her kid) and is trying to get back into her BS's good graces (which usually doesn't take much). He wants her back so badly he is contemplating voluntarily raising another man's kid to have this tramp back in his life.

This is her first kid but this pattern is not her first rodeo. She cheats on her BS, leaves him for several months while she engages in relationships with one of the OM, then she ends up back with her BS.....over and over again. It's a pattern, he allows it, she's going to keep doing it because there have been no consequences thus far.

He thinks one day she's going to change....:scratchhead:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See a lawyer to understand your options.

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She is a serial cheater and she has constantly played you for a fool. Why do you feel you deserve so little in your life? If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a change.

Both of you are insane...sorry but thats what I see!

My advice is try something different and get out of this emotional torture once and for all.

A consequence that your old lady may need to face to change her life for the better.

Sorry kids but the both of you don't have a clue in what or how to have a healthy relationship. You continue to be a doormat and she continues to try to find happiness from everyone but her own self.

In short this is a continued behavior and the both of you plug along with out learning the tools to be healthier individuals. With out the tools as individuals how the hell do you expect to have a healthy relationship with one anthers?

But what the hell do I know ...I'm just the -guy!


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## FutureUnknown (Mar 11, 2013)

First off, thank you for your responses.
To explain myself to some of the questions in responses - 

Things always seem worst when its abbreviated into a short story of all of the faults. And its hardest to see when you live it every day. I am finally to a new point that I am wanting to deal with it in a more final way.

I was raised very religious, and always thought of forgiveness one of the highest virtues. In retrospect, that was applied in entirely the wrong way, but that was the reasoning then. 

As far as I am aware, there was no cheating or other guys during dating. From everything I've gathered in the after the fact investigation, it seems like she freaked out when we got married. Not ready for the 'happily ever after', and has off and on been seeking to feel more adrenaline, excitement, passion, etc.

The 'healing separation' seems to be a form of a 180. Not quite as cold are complete, but about individual development more than relationship development.

My biggest concern with divorce, or a true separation, is she is a person that I care about and love. I don't want to just kick her out but would rather like to have her be able to get more organized first. I take care of all bills/finances, and her current job wouldn't be enough to live on. She's in the process of finding a better paying job, as she knows that divorce is still on the table. 
But I do care about her, and giving her a few months to prepare seems like the kind, if not deserved, thing to do.

And in the meantime, I would hope to get to a place in our relationship where divorce isn't necessary.

Which comes back to privacy and consequences. Is there anyone here that has allowed privacy after the affair? Is this really the standard operating procedure for everyone on here, and do most spouses submit?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

healing seperation = get the phuck away from each other before you kill each other.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

FutureUnknown said:


> First off, thank you for your responses.
> To explain myself to some of the questions in responses -
> 
> Things always seem worst when its abbreviated into a short story of all of the faults. And its hardest to see when you live it every day. I am finally to a new point that I am wanting to deal with it in a more final way.
> ...


So how many guys did she have emotional affairs with and how many of them did she have sex with? I can see that you are trying to do the right thing; however, did you ever consider that you handling her with kid gloves to make sure she "lands on her feet" is actually a disservice to her? If you truly loved her, you would want her to get all of the help she needs to become a better Christian. If she doesn't suffer from the consequences of her actions, she'll never learn how to do the right things in the future to make her a better person. You cannot learn to feel joy and God if you don't first go through sorrow and feel God's absence. It's no different than not being able to comprehend happiness unless you've felt sorrow or to understand what is good without seeing evil.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My biggest concern with divorce, or a true separation, is she is a person that I care about and love.


Love doesn't conquer all. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're good for each other or that being together is a good idea.



> I don't want to just kick her out but would rather like to have her be able to get more organized first. I take care of all bills/finances, and her current job wouldn't be enough to live on. She's in the process of finding a better paying job, as she knows that divorce is still on the table.


As long as you're paying her way and letting her live in your house while treating you like crap, she will continue to get away with as much as she can get away with. A consequence is to cut off the money right now. Force her to get serious about getting a job by giving her a firm and final deadline after which she is OUT of your house whether she has a job or not. You shouldn't be financing her cheating and her affairs.



> But I do care about her, and giving her a few months to prepare seems like the kind, if not deserved, thing to do.


She hasn't been the least bit kind to you throughout your marriage. She has been lying to you, hiding her affairs, and yes, she's been having sex with other men which means she's been putting your health AND life at risk. Did you deserve that?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Privacy is closing the bathroom door when using it. There is no room for SECRECY in a marriage. You said you have a religious background, correct? Then you know that when a man leaves his parents home to be married, he becomes one flesh with the woman he marries. Logically therefore, there are secrets in marriage because how can you keep a secret from yourself?

Secrecy is why you are in the position in the first place. We allowed are WS's the opportunity to keep secrets, myself included. There can be no secrecy after infidelity, none whatsoever. 

If she plays the secrecy card on you, then she has no remorse. And you CANNOT in anyway, have True R without remorse. She should be willingly and freely transparent to you, always.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

to save the marriage you have to be willing to end it. i would call a lawyer get your ducks on a row and then serve her with D papers. you can always stop the D if she shows true change and remourse. right now you are a doormat and plan B the time she says she needs is to see if plan A is better.

you have to put your foot down and show her you are not going to be walked over.

i D my first wife (cheating) when i was 27 (we had a 6 month old son at the time) remarried at 30 and have been super happy since


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

privacy after an affair...whats that?

hell privacy is how you got here in the first place

ya my old lady is going to screw around with a guy and than I can sleep at night knowing as long as I give her privacy she will be the bestest wife every...


lets look back... privacy brought about secrecy, and now my wife is screwing around.... lets do the same thing I did before she started cheating and see if it changes.......REALLY?

In my case my chick had a choice...lose the privacy crap or lose me...phuck that .....how the hell do you think giving your chick more privacy is going to help you out?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How in the hell does one get organized when they are seeing two lovers....I mean alls your doing is giving her time to organize her fantasy and compartmentalize her 1st life with her second life.

The bottom line here is until the OM is compleately out of the picture her fantasy will continue to be feed. Until OM is completely out of the picture the dynamics of the marriage will be infected.

Sir until the OM is completely out of the picture you just can't compete!!!!!! So stop trying

Once you can confirm that that the OM is completely out of the picture then you can staret to work on what ever the hell you want to work on, but until then you have been replaced.

How ever I do suggest you raise you attraction level by having the confidence in letting your wife go, lets face it chicks dig confident men!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry, but your wife is nuttier than a fruitcake. You could justify her actions by rationalizing that she only cheats with random guys for one hour a month and you have her the rest of the time. You get her best, they get the rest.

That's apparently how she thinks and you're slowly but surely buying into it because "when she's good to you - she's the best you've ever had".

My friend the other guys will agree with you. And that from first hand knowledge.

Don't settle for 95%. This is an "all in" situation with no wiggle room at all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its like continuing to give money to a crack addict in the hope that they won't buy more crack.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

FU, you've got what's called "oneitis." Use the "healing separation" time to recover from this case of "oneitis" before it becomes fatal. Go look at this long ass post I put up on another victim's thread. The links cited there need to be read by you, also.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

FutureUnknown said:


> Hi, I've been reading off and on for about a year now, but finally am to the point where I'd like to hear other people's opinions who have been through this.
> 
> Some background. I have been married 3 years, and fortunately no children, just a cat and dog. I'm 28 and she's 25, so we were pretty young when we got married. Oddly enough, she was the one pushing for it.
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

norajane said:


> This is not a marriage. You're just wasting your time with her. Not one single thing has in any way improved, especially her cheating.
> 
> Is this really how you want to live your life?
> 
> If you're still having sex with her, make sure you're wearing condoms every single time. Neither an STD nor a baby are going to help matters any.


This is a great point. He rhaving a baby is the nightmare scenario. Whose ever it is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> As far as I am aware, there was no cheating or other guys during dating.


Once you were married she did not have to hide things from you any more. She knew she had alimony coming. She was a party girl who had lived this life style most likely before but needed a gullible Beta guy for the money. She works hard for the money.

She found a way that she can bang those other guys and have less sex with you by this healing spearation.

I guess she pulled you in with the sex.

This is not the woman you were looking for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No there is no privacy.

Your wife is lying to you when she says she did not have sex. If you want to know what is really going on put a VAR in her car. People who cheat usually talk on the phone while driving. It's a safe place for this.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

How has this woman gained your trust from the start of the marriage? From what you've explained she has never been truthful to you from the start and continues to lie to this very day.

What do you love about her so much to keep putting up with her serial cheating?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Future Unknown there is but one course of action you need to take. Read Entopy's post. If you don't get angry and move immediately and angrily to divorce, then read them again. Keep reading them until you are divorced.

And for heaven's sake don't ever listen to that moronic therapist ever again! If you've paid, sue for your money back!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

FutureUnknown said:


> I texted her therapist to ask how she thought I should handle it (She was already aware of this one, though i hadn't been). We had set another line in the sand, that she could not have any contact with guys during the separation or I would leave. Her therapist said this was before the separation and that I had the right to do anything but that it was before the agreement.
> 
> She got home, I exploded. Was the first time I ever screamed at her. I demanded that all privacy was gone that second. She got angry back, defended herself, said no and that she was leaving. She got in her car to leave. I went inside and really cried for the first time since all of this happened.
> 
> ...


You are making huge and serious mistakes.
A marriage is an agreement. So your therapist is a complete moron. Your wife had sex with this man. You can have no marraiage without truth. You cannot forgive a person who is not remorseful and truthful no matter what religion you are.

The consequences you ask about that you are not giving her: She has to lose the life you have given her. That is the consequence. Her life and mind are currently set up a certain way. That way is you are a provider, a stabilzer, and someone who makes her look good on the outside. Her secret side is where she gets her jollies and sexual satisfaction and no one knows about that.

You are playing into what she wants with the therapy, the healing separation and the drama. This feeds her secret life. 

The grounds for her wanting a separation from you were that she couldn't trust you becuase you did find her iphone. But in the end your suspicions were true. Don't you see that youa re buying into a concept of mutual responsibility which only enables her flawed marital behavior?

You are wrapped up in love, forgiveness, religion and telling us about the "Good" you get. I am telling you she gives you that good to maintain the life she loves to have. She willl not stop this. You really need to get divorced.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

AYFKM??? 

Dude you have two roads in front of you. ****YOU ARE AT A CROSSROADS OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!! TODAY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU ARE CHOOSING THE LOSING ROAD!!!!****

You are displaying weak and women are programmed genetically against weak males. 

1) Trying to reconcile leads to her doing other men until her looks go completely at age 55. (See Thorburn and his 52 y/o wife and random sex) If you go this road demand a completely open marriage and become a swinger. At least this way YOU will be getting some. Otherwise you are just a doormat cuckold. 

IF YOU TAKE THIS ROAD... ****When you are 55 looking back you would damn near sell your soul to get a chance to time travel back to today and take the other road.****

2) Divorce and find wife version 2.0 and hope she is not defective. You are young enough to accomplish this. Christian? Try Christian Mingle once you get out.

BTW even the bible says cheating is cause for divorce. Of course it also mentions stoning... (Sorry)

Oh and I agree with above. I can name 3 members here off the top of my head that would make a better MC than the one you got.

Here I want to make you ANGRY instead of WEAK.

Picture your wife naked. THERE IS ANOTHER DUDE DUMPING HIS SPEW INSIDE YOUR WOMAN. WHEN YOU BOTH SAID I DO you essentially consented to making her your territory and you hers. THERE IS ANOTHER MALE IN YOUR TERRITORY MARKING IT WITH HIS SPEW. 

GET ANGRY!!!! Don't make me find you and take your man card. You need to wake up. MAN UP!

(Wow post 300 for me today. huh.)

Entropy. Its not she works hard for the money. Its She takes other mens hardons and the OP gives her money.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She is a serial cheater and she isn’t going to stop cheating regardless of what you do. You just need to realize you married the wrong woman. Marriages don’t have to be this way; she has problems that you are not going to fix.

If you try to R there will be more affairs down the road, that is your reality. You can be the perfect husband and she will still cheat. 

You got a bad apple, throw it out and find another. I know its “easier said than done” but really it’s not that hard once you set your mind to it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

FutureUnknown,

You are married to a woman who is addicted to the high of a new relationship. That's why she jumps from one AP to another. That's why you have 3-4 months of good times, she gets bored, she cheats, you fight, start your relationship anew, rinse, repeat. It's an endless cycle.

She's the type who needs constant validation from other men. She will never be satisfied in a marital-type relationship. Monogamy is not for her.

She's most likely a cluster B personality type/disorder. She can live a separate life and have zero guilt or remorse. If she shows what you think is guilt, then it is only for manipulation and her benefit. Believe me, I was married to a woman like yours for the past 14 years. It will never change. And she will only get better at covering her tracks.

My suggestion. End this relationship now. It will be very hard because you love her. But realize she does not love you. You are suffering from the "oneitis" mentioned above. It's like an addiction. If you stay with her you are robbing yourself of a real future with a proper wife and family.

You cannot save her.

Sorry you are here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

These are the threads that get depressing when the OP is very clearly going down the road to lifetime misery.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> These are the threads that get depressing when the OP is very clearly going down the road to lifetime misery.


I agree. In some of these threads, the OP reminds me of this: Austin Powers 1- Stoooooooooooooooop! - YouTube


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Ever hear of spare the rod, spoil the child.. 

Well you my friend are not only sparing the rod, your taking it away..

I just don't believe the no sex. We aren't kids anymore, here. I can also imagine and understand how exciting and taboo having sex being so religious can be. You my friend best open your eyes to this as well.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

FutureUnknown said:


> Hi, I've been reading off and on for about a year now, but finally am to the point where I'd like to hear other people's opinions who have been through this.
> Some background. I have been married 3 years, and fortunately no children, just a cat and dog. I'm 28 and she's 25, so we were pretty young when we got married. Oddly enough, she was the one pushing for it.
> 
> I found out about my Wife's PA 11 months ago, though i had already known about an ongoing EA (does EA still cover it when there is sexting and video chats with nudity?)
> ...


Wow man you need to stop and reread this. Pretend this isn't you. You have been so manipulated by this woman that you cannot see how messed up your situation really is. I count at least eight to ten instances of separated affairs. Your response was essentially "would you knock it off already." 
This woman is your WIFE she is supposed to only be with you. No other man should be touching your wife, seeing her naked, or even having a sexual conversation with her. WHY because she is married to you. You never once stood up for yourself. That is why she doesn't respect you. She slept with another man and you didn't even kick her butt out. 
There isn't a relationship here to save. you need to quit worrying about this woman and leave. The sheer audacity of your story makes me even wonder if you are just trolling.


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