# Texting, Facebook and boundaries



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I have been discussing the thread I started about boundaries with a girlfriend of mine. She had a question that I did not know how to answer and so will post it here: she is dating a man after her own divorce. He sometimes posts or likes comments on Facebook and texts a woman that is a long time friend of his; however they did make out one night after drinking a couple of years ago. (She more or less rebuffed him and they did not sleep together.) This further contact worries my friend-and I am not sure what to tell her as I am not the expert on boundaries myself right now. He insists they are "just friends" and there is nothing more to it-he cares about her. (Those things are what my STBX said to me while in the midst of his own affair.) I see her boyfriend's point that it is innocent, but in my friend's defense, they like each other's posts and usually comment too on many of the things they put on their walls which reminds me of my own situation and I want to tell her to run. Any wise words I could pass on to her would be great~


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

5Creed said:


> a woman that is a *long time *friend of his


Some women are okay with opposite sex friends. I am not one of them. Not in this context since at one time he did have feelings for her. I'd run.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is your friend and this man in an exclusive relationship? If not, then what he's doing doesn't seem wrong.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes; they are now exclusive. She hasn't brought it up to him yet how much it bothers her, but she felt hurt when they first started dating because the woman he is friends with made fun of them dating. This makes me think she might be a little jealous or something of him being with someone else even though she does not want him sexually.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

5Creed said:


> Yes; they are now exclusive. She hasn't brought it up to him yet how much it bothers her, but she felt hurt when they first started dating because the woman he is friends with made fun of them dating. This makes me think she might be a little jealous or something of him being with someone else even though she does not want him sexually.


Classic case of I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either. 

Why won't she just tell him how much it bothers her?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Mavash, I have asked her the same thing and she wants to, but didn't want to come across as a controlling beotch or something. I shared that I thought it was important to do this if she feels this relationship is long term. How will he know if she doesn't say anything and it then she will still be unhappy about it? She wants to talk to him today.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Good. I can't tell how many YEARS I've wasted not telling people what bothers me. Instead I stewed about it. Like that's ever helpful. LOL


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

And this is exactly what my problem is also-my friend is like that too! But then you just get pissed off when the other person doesn't read your mind!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Preaching to the choir. Been married 20 years and I just in the last year realized HE can't read my mind. <slaps head> I feel really stupid now. LOL

I've started branching out my newfound skills to friends. It's scary I won't lie. What if they get mad? What if they don't want to be my friends anymore? What if they LEAVE?

I'm happy to report that so far nothing like this has happened. And even if it did I'd be okay with it. I finally get if what bothers me isn't important to you then you aren't the friend/spouse for me. Many people however aren't willing to find that out hence why they don't say anything.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I am also doing this in real life-and it is scary-the leaving part. I have had to do some of that with my parents and sisters and that is difficult; but if I had done that with my STBX years ago; then wow would things be different now! Never too late though to start.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

My husband says that men and women can't just be friends and I believe that. The only opposite sex friends we have are mutual friends/couples. 

I think your friend should tell her boyfriend this upsets her. It'll only get worse if she doesn't say anything.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I agree with all of the above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

She should tell him that she doesn't like it. I decided a few months ago that I will always express my feelings immediately about stuff like this. I've always been pretty blunt though.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> "Just friends."
> 
> That phrase ranks right up there with "virtually painless" and "mildly toxic."


or

"the check is in the mail" perhaps.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

5credd, I was in a similar position as your friend. My bf multidated during the first couple of months of our relationship.

She turned out to be someone who treated him like **** (by my reckoning) but I have seen the e-mails, text messages and FB activity between them through his account (as she does not let friends of friends see her wall).

After all that and seeing the receipts floating around his apartment, I did not buy his line that she was just a friend and pointed out that during this socalled friend period, he was treating her better than he was treating me even when he and I were supposed to be exclusive.

But anyway, back to your situation, I decided that if my bf enjoyed the exclusivity between us then he needed to get rid of this friend, or else , he and I would be "just friends" as well, and then I could go find a real boyfriend --just like this "friend" of his did to him.

Thankfully, it took less than a split second for him to know what to do. And not only is this woman completely out of his life (no more FB friends, no IM, no more e-mails and late invitations to her parties), he treats me far better than what he used to (and far better than what he treated her).

I'm not a fan of opposite sex friendships anymore. And also, if my bf wants to continue one, it's all on him. That is, he needs to introduce us; we need transparency when she contacts him/us; she needs to be nice to me and I don't have to make the first move to "help" her along (as my exH used to say).

One time before I put my foot down, he told me he was taking a trip in a few months to a music festival with a "friend." But said no more than that. I thought about the way he presented that and later told him that I didn't like it. Turns out that he was going with a male friend, ok, so why didn't you tell me that to begin with. Turns out that there was an e-mail exchange between the him and her where he tells her all the details about his trip without explicitly suggesting that he join her.

But....this is a woman who likes that kind of music; who goes to multi day music festivals; who is capable of travelling alone or finding a buddy to travel with; who while she is doing a contract in Europe wants to visit as many European countries as possible...........

He denies my conclusion but these days, he's doing all the right things.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

bubbly girl said:


> My husband says that men and women can't just be friends and I believe that. The only opposite sex friends we have are mutual friends/couples.
> 
> I think your friend should tell her boyfriend this upsets her. It'll only get worse if she doesn't say anything.


To each his own. That may not work for you but has worked for me. What I've noticed is that the guys who try to be around a lot are the ones with ulterior motives. I have a few close male friends but we don't see or talk to each other EVERY DAY. 

But for this situation, the friend should definitely talk to her partner about it. This situation feels shady to me.


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