# we've both cheated...now what?



## simplylife (Feb 28, 2013)

This is my first time doing this. I'm typically very accurate with spelling, punctuation and grammar...However; I'm choosing not to be concerned with that at this point, please forgive me.

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years. We have always had a pretty healthy sex life. ie) when we have it, it's great and we allow each other to go to whatever levels the other wants. We grow together and try things together and both thoroughly enjoy sex. After we got married it became quite evident that I was a bit more sexually demanding and craved it quite a bit more than he. However, we always managed to work through it, albeit there have been many times when I went to bed sad that he was too tired to have sex, make love or even f&*k me... Regardless, i will try to get right to the point.

We are both very attractive people. I am a bit more flirtatious than he, and much more outgoing-but i have always been a faithful person. He was known to have cheated in the past; prior to us. I am also very succesful, whereas he has always struggled financially. I have stood by him and helped put him through school. In addition to this I have done a very good job of supporting his ever changing jobs. Hoping and praying that he will someday land "the job" now that he has his degree. I got my degree a month before we met and have been working in my career since then and continue to advance.
I might add at this point that he has been in and out of prison three times, for small charges but still-landed him in prison mainly for violating parole. He also doesnt have a drivers license so I drive him everywhere he needs to go.
A couple of years ago I had suspicions of him cheating and found numerous text messages that validated he was entertaining the idea--based on those alone, he never did go through with it but definetly intended on it.
Shortly after that he went to prison for the third time. I, at this point thought I would stand by him, forgive him. During this time (that he was in prison) Our neighbor, a very handsome, very successful, very single male started approaching me more frequently. (he was already an aquaintance, but not a friend) Needless to say; i ended up having an affair with him. I had feelings for him even, didn't love him but had feelings. He on the other hand, fell completely in love with me, wanted me to divorce my husband and marry him. Truly loved me. He was a nice guy-not a creep. I ended the affair, but he still tried to keep hope. I never told my husband. he knew though.
Shortly after he got out of prison (2 mos.) my husband and I got into a fight and he left one weekend and slept with our previous babysitter.
We dealt with that, then about 2mos after that my husband found out everything about my affair (I told him) not just the sex but the feelings too. two weeks after he found out, he got drunk and got arrested and is now on his way BACK to prison for another 6 mos.
I find myself on here; asking what to do. I still love my husband and know beyond a shadow of a doubt he loves me. I question though: is this salvagable???tl I didnt get married to get divorced and my husband and I have both agreed that we have amazing sexual chemistry...However I've told him before that I dont understand the "going through waves" analogy he gives as far as sex goes. Once he found out I had found comfort in the arms of another man, he suddenly wanted to be more sexual again. We've only been married for a short time, I 'have always made it clear that I want sex for way more reasons than an orgasm...its the connection too. He says he cheated on me to hurt me because he knew I had done it, even though he had never actually asked me, which seems vindictive. I just feel lost right now, any advice would be great.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I think you need more than a good sexual connection for a marriage to work.

It also sounds as though he's overly dependant on you, and somewhat incapable of being a responsible adult. This is never going to help you respect him, which is another issue that won't help.

I'm generally against divorce - I think people shoudl work at their marriages - but I'm honestly not sure there is much to salvage here. He has cheated on others, cheated to hurt you, and you find yourself emotionally attached to someone else, for whom you still yearn - and he's on his way back to prison (yet again.)

Where do you see this going, honestly?

i think you need to think long and hard about what you want in your life, what's best for you, and him - I take it you have no children?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Oh how women love the bad boy, but they always think that he can be changed. Some young men are a little wild, but settle down into married life, I'm afraid this one is bad to the bone. Please do yourself a big favor, when he heads to jail you head directly to a lawyers office. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, end it now and move on to a better, more rewarding life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

One doesn't merely go to prison for "small things". It doesn't matter why either,... You don't need to stick up for the guy. He sounds like a world class screwball that needs to be out of your life. I agree with VFW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Simply,

This may come off a bit harsh but will be said with the intent to help

The two of you should move on with your lives. You are both broken people in need of some serious counseling. Here's what I see from your post:

-It sounds as if your husband, due to his lack of education and troubles with the law, has had a number of dead end jobs and I'm willing to bet many involved heavy physical labor yet you had issue with his being too tired to meet your sexual needs. It doesn't seem you gave him much leeway in this area and it was a major point of contention for you.

-It also sounds like you may have (unintentionally I hope) undercut his masculinaty by pointing out (possibly to others?) how you earn more than him, you put him through school, supported him through numerous job changes and how you earned YOUR degree MONTHS before the two of you even met and that due to his troubles you even drive him everywhere. 

-He almost went and had a physical affair but he didn't go through with it but it may have been an EA so instead of dealing with that issue and what may have led to the EA, you chose to have an affair with a man who seemed to be more of your equal in looks and career success. The exact opposite of your husband!

-Shortly after getting out of prison, you and your husband has a fight and he runs off and screws the babysitter. While not excusing his behavior, I see it as him wanting to have someone who didn't lord themself over him, someone who was more of an equal to himself, a "lowly" (no disrespect meant to anyone on this board or elsewhere) babysitter

-When YOUR affair came to full light,was it you who felt it necessary to discuss your feelings for the OM or was it detail he asked for?

Sorry but I think that the two of you are toxic for each other. Unfortunately for him, his previous arrest record will follow him all the days of his life. He will never be able to escape the shadow of his errors and it is more than likely that you will always outearn him.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> One doesn't merely go to prison for "small things". It doesn't matter why either,... You don't need to stick up for the guy. He sounds like a world class screwball that needs to be out of your life. I agree with VFW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: once in and you get out, you should learn to play by the rules, sounds like he hasnt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you have kids? That makes this much nastier and harder, because it sounds like neither of you are thinking about them.

Or are these your kids from another man?

You both seem to have little love or respect for the other. You don't mention having any guilt or remorse for your cheating. You dumped the guy because you didn't fall in love with him, I'm suspecting he was too nice a guy for you. 

Your husband cheated to hurt you. He did it to inflict pain upon you.

So no guilt on your part, or his.

Not a recipe for a marriage.


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