# Confused & Trying-My wife thinks I am smothering her.



## lvngnphx (Oct 23, 2011)

Back story:

We have been separated since June. We live in seperate apartments about 10 miles apart. We have dinner together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and we usually spend Friday and Saturday night together. We have a typical 'routine' of texting good morning, usually phone calls at lunch and touch base at night.

I am confused because we are not together 'all' the time and we don't stay in communication 'all' the time but she keeps saying we are. She works as an internet model and gets annoyed because I ask about her work. She has 'allowed' me to be involved as a member of her 'group' and I am getting to a point of not wanting to be involved but am also afraid of not knowing what it going on. There were a few incidents in the past where she was contacting an ex and lying about it so I worry that could happen again. I do understand that there are elements of my own insecurities that are in play here but I feel like she won't look at things from how I feel. We have sex once a week if I'm lucky and there is always a reason she isn't in the mood. She has FMS and when she is PMSing her mood swings are extreme. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly adjusting to her needs and she doesn't seem to acknowledge my efforts.

Am I needy for wanting her to acknowledge and give me credit for my efforts? When I sent her an email last night explaining everything I thought/think I am doing to accomodate her needs she copied a bunch of quotes about how avg. couples only spend 1.5-4.0 hrs together a day and how someone with my personality (her perception) should interact with someone with her personality (again, her perception).

We have been planning to move back in together in November and I have brought up a few times that if she thinks the time we are together is smothering how is that going to relate to living together again and that I worry that she isnt ready...she says that as long as she has the whole day to herself she feels she can be ready to spend the evenings together...

Well...obviously the 'confused' part of the Title is well represented in the post...any comments?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw Internet model do you she is for pay cam girl?

I also don't understand what you mean by being part of her crowd ?

Are you in some kind of open relationship or is she in the porn business?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lvngnphx said:


> Back story:
> 
> We have been separated since June. We live in seperate apartments about 10 miles apart. We have dinner together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and we usually spend Friday and Saturday night together. We have a typical 'routine' of texting good morning, usually phone calls at lunch and touch base at night.
> 
> ...


Maybe instead of handing her your check you could setup direct deposit so you are not smothering her.

Just what is an internet model?

Why are you separated? I personally view being separated as living in an open relationship. You may want o get checked for STDs just in case someone else is smothering her too.

This said, my step daughter and her husband drive me crazy to be around. They text each other constantly all day long. Which would not bother me accpet with every text some song plays. Very annoying. They are staying with us until they close on thier house. Ca'nt wait for that.


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## lvngnphx (Oct 23, 2011)

Internet model...cam girl...Im not against the job and no that doesnt mean we are in an open relationship. It is obviously a unique element and I guess that may have something to do with my insecurities.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lvngnphx said:


> Internet model...cam girl...Im not against the job and no that doesnt mean we are in an open relationship. It is obviously a unique element and I guess that may have something to do with my insecurities.


What she does for a living in a typical marriage would be considered cheating. So to say you are insecure is a bit absurd.

To say that you are not in an open relationship with you guys being separated and her saying you are smothering her is pretty outrageous. It is a tad past a unique element.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a test: if you had sex over a cam would she consider it cheating?

Her job is most certainly causing major problems in your relationship. Calling your gut screaming at you that her job is disastrous for the marriage an "insecurity" is demeaning and belittling. Even if she isn't physically connecting with these men she IS havIng a sexual relationship with them. 

No doubt she doesn't have a lot of passion for you. Who would after hours of working/performing. 

Lots of women in these jobs either start out with or quickly develop a very sick sense of intimacy and their role in relationships. 

You also sound very passive and accommodating is that the man you want to be? Is that the man she wants to be married too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You seem to need and expect more loyalty and devotion than you can get from your typical cam-girl. I think most reasonably functioning husbands would as well. As a homicide investigator, I can tell you that if they can breath enough to tell you they're feeling smothered, they aren't really being smothered effectively.


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## lvngnphx (Oct 23, 2011)

It surprises me the swift need by so many to make unfounded judgements. I am not stupid. I didnt marry a 'cam-girl' I married a bright, caring, wonderful woman. She isnt perfect, nor am I, but what she does deserve is my respect...and for that matter, yours too. If you don't have logical, meaningful advice, I suggest you don't bother posting at all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lvngnphx said:


> It surprises me the swift need by so many to make unfounded judgements. I am not stupid. I didnt marry a 'cam-girl' I married a bright, caring, wonderful woman. She isnt perfect, nor am I, but what she does deserve is my respect...and for that matter, yours too. If you don't have logical, meaningful advice, I suggest you don't bother posting at all.


Tell us what advice you want to hear, and maybe a few people will parapharase it into a reply, then.

Maybe you can start with what was going right with the relationship before the separation, and why the two of you separated, so posters will have a meaningful place to start.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lvngnphx said:


> It surprises me the swift need by so many to make unfounded judgements. I am not stupid. I didnt marry a 'cam-girl' I married a bright, caring, wonderful woman. She isnt perfect, nor am I, but what she does deserve is my respect...and for that matter, yours too. If you don't have logical, meaningful advice, I suggest you don't bother posting at all.


You never answered why you were separated. It is great you respect her. The question is whether she is respecting you. It is so great she is bright and caring. She does not seem to care for being with you very much at this time however. Why is that in your opinion? Because you are insecure about her being a cam-girl?


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## trlsntribs (Oct 24, 2011)

Seems like a few issues -

You say that you have a 'typical routine' for communication - but you're saying it's not enough - she's saying it's too much?

Why is your wife an internet model and what does she do exactly? I can understand why you're uncomfortable with it - but you say she allows you to be involved? 

I don't know how long ago it was that your wife lied to you - but has she been honest since then? Have you told the truth about everything (been honest with her)?

You say you're constantly adjusting to her needs and she doesn't acknowledge your feelings. That must be frustrating. Does she never adjust to your needs and do you heed her feelings?

Twice you say '(her perception)' which seems like you don't respect it. Does your wife respect your perceptions?

Are you needy for wanting her to acknowledge and give you credit for your efforts? Of course not! Everyone wants to feel appreciated.

I'm not a big believer in counseling - but are you and your wife seeing a therapist? I hope this helps and doesnt confuse you more. :scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lvngnphx said:


> It surprises me the swift need by so many to make unfounded judgements. I am not stupid. I didnt marry a 'cam-girl' I married a bright, caring, wonderful woman. She isnt perfect, nor am I, but what she does deserve is my respect...and for that matter, yours too. If you don't have logical, meaningful advice, I suggest you don't bother posting at all.


Your first post sounded passive, now this on is aggressive. That may be part of who you are and part of what's going on in your marriage.

On her side, frankly she is in a line f work which kills marriages and relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You came on this forum with a complaint that your wife lacks loyalty, intimacy, and devotion towards you (resists contact with you). Her occupation requires her to step outside the intimate bounds of marriage with strangers. Just another symptom of the same problem. What surprises me is that some people bring apples home and are frustrated when they can't make orange juice. Unless her body was possessed by aliens, the cam girl and your bride are the same person. Her character and values before the camera were the same ones present when you proposed and when you married.


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