# Had the LONGEST night of my life



## phillybrokenheart

I am at work right now and basically Im a zombie!

After an ENTIRE DAY of calls and texts bouncing from how much he loves me to how much he hates me for not having his back, I couldnt take one more second by last night. 

I decided to take my LAST migraine pill and turned my ringer and notifications off and went to bed very early. 

Around 2 am I was dreaming that someone was banging on my door, but it wasn't a dream, it was him. I got up, went down and grabbed my phone. I had 22 missed calls and 28 text messages from him. I paced the floor, the phone still lighting up to say I have a call every 2 seconds, texts messages coming left and right. 

I peeked out the window and saw him standing on the curb with trash bags on the ground. It was raining. I was crying. Uncontrollably!

I finally answered his call and told him no, he could not come in. I told him if I let him in again, then tomorrow night will be the same and the next and the next. He was crying, tell me he is cold and tired and its raining and he doesnt even have a car to sleep in. Please Please Please. I was a mess! I have never in my entire life had to go thru the pain and emotions of what I went through last night.

He was telling me that I am his wife, I promised to stand by him in better and worse, in "sickness" and health! He said if I was out on the streets, he would walk to the ends of the earth to come get me and stay with me. And he would! (Just not to rehab)

He was saying that this is the lowest point of his entire life and I am turning my back on him when he needs me the most. How could I say I love him, how could I say I care, how can I just sit there knowing that he has NO WHERE TO GO, walking the streets of the city in the rain with trash bags.

I truly just wanted to die! I just wanted to open the door and hug him and tell him how much I love him. I know I couldnt. I didn't. By 4 am I got the last text saying that I am dead to him, that he will never forget or forgive me for turning my back on him now. I sat on the couch and cried until it was time to go up and get my daughter up for school. As soon as she walked into school, I cried. I cried the entire walk back to my house. I cried the entire drive to work this morning. I walked in work and my co-worker said whats up, and I cried. We walked outside to talk and I cried. I sat back down to write this blog and Im crying.

All I can picture is him walking around cold, and tired. I know that if it were me, he would be walking right next to me. I also know that I would never allow myself to be in that situtation and especially for those reasons, but it doesn't help. I know that when he is sober, he would carry me through life just so I dont get tired of walking. I know that none of that matters anymore!

I know that this is tough love, I know its necessary. But I feel like a piece of sh*t! I feel like the most awful wife, the most awful human being.

I cant take much more of this.


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## AgentD

I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds terrible all the way around. Sometimes, no matter how hard it is, you have to do what is best for your own sanity. You are not responsible for him or his reactions/behaviors/problems. I'm not sure why you are are separated etc, because I don't think I have followed your story, however hugs to you, try and stay strong.


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## YinPrincess

Oh gosh! *hugs* I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you!! 

Do not feel guilty. Do not feel sorry for him! He is the reason he is where he is! Truly loving him is not enabling him and you did the right thing! You are giving him the gift of being self-reliant, whether he likes it or not!

But I totally understand why you're upset. I must admit it would have been nearly impossible for me to turn away someone in need like that, but that's because I'm a co-dependent enabler. It hurts more than helps to enable someone!

I really admire your ability to do what you have to, to protect yourself from his toxic nature! You should be proud of yourself, and don't for one moment, think you let him down. You are doing him the biggest favor, he just doesn't know it yet!

Big hugs to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry

phillybrokenheart said:


> He was saying that this is the lowest point of his entire life and I am turning my back on him when he needs me the most. How could I say I love him, how could I say I care, how can I just sit there knowing that he has NO WHERE TO GO, walking the streets of the city in the rain with trash bags.


He has somewhere to go ------- REHAB.


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## imgonnabejustfine

I admire you. You must be a very strong person. Your daughter is a very lucky girl!


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## phillybrokenheart

Thank you all. Hugs back! 

I only got one text from him all day just saying can I speed this F'n divorce up. I didnt respond. Im heading to bed soon, hoping theres not a repeat and I can get some sleep. I need it.

Thanks again!


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## EleGirl

Where are you husband's children staying? Are they back with their grandmother?

Why doesn't he have anywhere to stay? What about his parents?


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## phillybrokenheart

EleGirl said:


> Where are you husband's children staying? Are they back with their grandmother?
> 
> Why doesn't he have anywhere to stay? What about his parents?


They are at his moms house. She kicked him out so he cant go there,

Ive was trying to get him to check into rehab, but he wouldnt.


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## EleGirl

Does he have the money for rehab? Does he know where to go?

I tried to find a rehab for my step-daughter and all I could find was a pay as you go out-patient rehab... well except for the very expensive ones like the one Demi Lovato went to... the kind where you have to mortgage your house and sell you kids to be able to afford.


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## that_girl

People have to hit BOTTOM in order to see they need help.

Looks like he's almost there. HIS ACTIONS are no longer tolerated or accepted and you drove that message home last night.

Good girl.


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## phillybrokenheart

EleGirl said:


> Does he have the money for rehab? Does he know where to go?
> 
> I tried to find a rehab for my step-daughter and all I could find was a pay as you go out-patient rehab... well except for the very expensive ones like the one Demi Lovato went to... the kind where you have to mortgage your house and sell you kids to be able to afford.


Yes, he is still covered under my insurance. I found a place yesterday morning that is covered by my insurance. It was really nice too. About 2 hours away in the mountains. Beautiful setting. They pick him up, bring him home, even though I would have taken him and picked him up. They include mental health treatment along with it, do couple weekends, where I would be able to go up for the weekend and do intensive couples therapy. They do family visits. 

But he gave me excuse after excuse once I told him I did find a place. I came back at each excuse so then he said the only way would be if I took the kids from his mom and took them home with me. I said no to that. Im not taking them and chancing him just signing himself out and thinking that since they are here, we'll just go back to the way things were. Besides, his mom HATES me and would never let me take them AND the reason we separated in the first place wasnt even because of drugs, he wasnt using like this until we separated - we separated because of final straw incident with his daughter. She has only been taken to 1 counseling appointment in the past 3 1/2 months since they left. And everytime I talked to him, he tells me how much worse she has gotten, 3 1/2 months worse with aggression, 3 1/2 months worse with her anger. 

So how did he think that was a good idea? 

But anyway, because I said no to that, so he said no to the rehab.


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## phillybrokenheart

that_girl said:


> People have to hit BOTTOM in order to see they need help.
> 
> Looks like he's almost there. HIS ACTIONS are no longer tolerated or accepted and you drove that message home last night.
> 
> Good girl.


Thank you! 

Now, I just have to shake the image of him walking around with his bags of clothes like a homeless man, and stop letting his words keep repeating in my mind. 

Ill get there. I feel like (or I hope at least) that the worse of what my heart will go thru is over now.


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## that_girl

No. Remember that image. HE PUT HIMSELF THERE. It's pathetic and at the risk of losing everything in his life. HE did this. Himself.

You are doing well. DO NOT enable him to be an eff-up. No. By showing tough love, you ARE helping him. Believe me.


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## Goldmember357

it will get better i mean you got into this and you can get out of it that is what you need to realize what you are in can be gone and you can leave this state. 

So best of luck


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## Nsweet

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU PHILLY *hugs*

I know this hurts but you are doing this because you love him, and it's the only way he will get help will be to hit rock bottom and experience a fear of losing everything first. You love him so much that you can't bare to be around him while he poisons himself to death. 

Don't pay any of what he said any attention because he was just speaking out of hurt. You have the choice to file a restraining order if you want but that will only push him away further. 

Instead, wait like two weeks and tell him what you are feeling. "You don't feel safe around him and you can't stay married to a man who continues to use drugs." Don't give him any other reasons and don't respond to anything he says. He can either find another way to get drugs and continue feeling sorry for himself or he can go to rehab, kick the habit, and fight to get you back. 

After that be ready to push the divorce through and state your claim in court. Instead of bashing him in court, you can have your attorney and you privately talk to the judge in chambers about your situation and how you don't want to divorce him but you see no other way for him to get sober. You'll still have to continue the D but you may get lucky and have him slapped random drug testing for a fault divorce or child custody. Remember he can also have you tested too.

Be ready have it end before anything really changes. You will still have a year or two while you're picking yourself back up to decide if you want him back but from the sounds of it you'll stay friendly and open for him to improve. You can still keep in touch to see how he's doing but let him prove he's changed over time before you take him back. And btw from the sound of it his daughter will really appreciate have him sober again, but she's another problem.


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## CLucas976

I'm so sorry for the night you had. But so happy for you that you stuck to your guns.

It is hard, I went through it with my little sister, with my ex husband, and now working through it with my little brother. My little sister even at one point ended up in a homeless shelter after a paid ride through rehab/detox etc.

Keep yourself strong, love doesn't mean enabling, love just means doing what it takes to help someone, no matter what.


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## Cherry

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this morning... Hoping you had a peaceful night Philly! 

BTW - I went to one of those rehab places a few years ago, they are nice places and the family sessions on the weekends are great... They work if you work them. 

Like TG said, it sounds like he's getting close to the bottom, and this may be exactly what he needs to get him there a little quicker (you standing your ground).


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## phillybrokenheart

Nsweet said:


> I AM SO PROUD OF YOU PHILLY *hugs*
> 
> I know this hurts but you are doing this because you love him, and it's the only way he will get help will be to hit rock bottom and experience a fear of losing everything first. You love him so much that you can't bare to be around him while he poisons himself to death.
> 
> Don't pay any of what he said any attention because he was just speaking out of hurt. You have the choice to file a restraining order if you want but that will only push him away further.
> 
> Instead, wait like two weeks and tell him what you are feeling. "You don't feel safe around him and you can't stay married to a man who continues to use drugs." Don't give him any other reasons and don't respond to anything he says. He can either find another way to get drugs and continue feeling sorry for himself or he can go to rehab, kick the habit, and fight to get you back.
> 
> After that be ready to push the divorce through and state your claim in court. Instead of bashing him in court, you can have your attorney and you privately talk to the judge in chambers about your situation and how you don't want to divorce him but you see no other way for him to get sober. You'll still have to continue the D but you may get lucky and have him slapped random drug testing for a fault divorce or child custody. Remember he can also have you tested too.
> 
> Be ready have it end before anything really changes. You will still have a year or two while you're picking yourself back up to decide if you want him back but from the sounds of it you'll stay friendly and open for him to improve. You can still keep in touch to see how he's doing but let him prove he's changed over time before you take him back. And btw from the sound of it his daughter will really appreciate have him sober again, but she's another problem.


Thanks Nsweet! 

Im feeling better today. And "that Girl" is right, I have to keep those words he said and the thought of him like that in my mind. Its what reminds me that this is a toxic realtionship for me. 

Our divorce is simple, no courts involved, just filing and signing. We have nothing to fight over. Everything was mine from before they even came here. He took his personal belonging already and the kids things. We dont share any children together, so no custody issues thank god! Any debts unfortunately I am responsible for but already paid everything off with my income tax and cancelled all joint credit cards, accounts, and anything else.

The papers have been filed, just waiting on them to be sent back to us for signatures, then 5 months later, we are legally divorced.

In my heart, I dont see a future reconciliation between us. Between the drug history and his daughters behavior issues, I just dont see a happy peaceful family ever with us. Plus, I couldnt even imagine the thought of me ever telling my daughter that I would be bringing this all back. I can't even imagine the look on her face, and knowing her, she would say ok, but inside she would be so disappointed in me. With every right to be!

She is the reason I make every decision I make. Even when I let them come here! I wanted to have a big huge Italian family and wound up done after my first child. I didnt want her growing up without brothers and sisters, I wanted her to see mommy in love. It didnt turn out that way. But I have explained to her (she is VERY mature for her young age) when she asked me about leaving her father and then again when this whole thing took place, that sometimes, you make decisions in life that you think are right and they just dont turn out to be, but what you do with that is what counts. I explained to her that I could have easily stayed with her dad or even with my husband now, it would made things easier in all the WRONG ways, so sometimes you have to do things that are hard and will make life harder for awhile, but if you can keep going and get past the hard times, thats what makes you who you are as a person. 

I tell her all the time NOT to settle in life. She deserves everything she ever wants, she deserves happiness and love (the good kind of love). I dont want to teach her that just because you love someone, you should accept being unhappy. I need to move forward and succeed. Besides doing it for myself, I NEED her to see that its not the end of the world if you decide to leave a bad situation.


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## phillybrokenheart

CLucas976 said:


> I'm so sorry for the night you had. But so happy for you that you stuck to your guns.
> 
> It is hard, I went through it with my little sister, with my ex husband, and now working through it with my little brother. My little sister even at one point ended up in a homeless shelter after a paid ride through rehab/detox etc.
> 
> Keep yourself strong, love doesn't mean enabling, love just means doing what it takes to help someone, no matter what.


Thank you! And I wish you the best of luck with your little brother. My brother too is an addict. And we were very close, he was like a best friend to me. Our relationship has suffered from his addiction, so I know how hard it is. I hope he finds his way out and back to being the little brother you know he could be!

Hugs to you!!


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## phillybrokenheart

Cherry said:


> Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this morning... Hoping you had a peaceful night Philly!
> 
> BTW - I went to one of those rehab places a few years ago, they are nice places and the family sessions on the weekends are great... They work if you work them.
> 
> Like TG said, it sounds like he's getting close to the bottom, and this may be exactly what he needs to get him there a little quicker (you standing your ground).


Thanks Cherry, you're really a sweetheart! I did have a peaceful night. No knocking doors, no texts, no calls. I dont know what that means for him, but for me, I fell asleep and actually woke up in the same position, so I must have been out of it!

I'm leaving for work now, and any free time I have, I'll be buried in my books, staying focused on the co-dependency ones, lol!


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## Nsweet

Philly,
You're right about one thing. It's up to him to get clean and prove to you that he deserves a second chance later on. You're no longer the loving mother in a codependent relationship and making excuses for his addiction. That's why this hurts so much and why he is freaking out of this sudden need to shape up or ship out. So you can't beat yourself up for what he does to himself. You love him enough to push him out the door into recovery and will always care about him but this is something he needed to do on his own. And you need to focus on your own issues and taking care of your daughter.

When you're divorce is final you can decide if you want to talk to him sooner rather than later but a call once a week or every few weeks will really make a difference to someone in recovery. I've been there myself for other problems and my W's visits pulled me through fast. You can also try to check up on your childs father and see if he's improved and deserves to know how his child is. The only thing I would advise you not to do you be to date until you go through some therapy because you will keep attracting problematic men with these addictive tendencies until you find out the reason why. You're a true care taker and will enter in relationships with men who won't provide for you in the same way. You're going to get your feelings hurt time and time again and go from good to bad or bad to worse because you won't be happy not feeling needed all the time.


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## Cherry

phillybrokenheart said:


> Thanks Cherry, you're really a sweetheart! I did have a peaceful night. No knocking doors, no texts, no calls. I dont know what that means for him, but for me, I fell asleep and actually woke up in the same position, so I must have been out of it!
> 
> I'm leaving for work now, and any free time I have, I'll be buried in my books, staying focused on the co-dependency ones, lol!


One day at a time.... It's not just for addicts .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybrokenheart

:iagree:


Nsweet said:


> Philly,
> You're right about one thing. It's up to him to get clean and prove to you that he deserves a second chance later on. You're no longer the loving mother in a codependent relationship and making excuses for his addiction. That's why this hurts so much and why he is freaking out of this sudden need to shape up or ship out. So you can't beat yourself up for what he does to himself. You love him enough to push him out the door into recovery and will always care about him but this is something he needed to do on his own. And you need to focus on your own issues and taking care of your daughter.
> 
> When you're divorce is final you can decide if you want to talk to him sooner rather than later but a call once a week or every few weeks will really make a difference to someone in recovery. I've been there myself for other problems and my W's visits pulled me through fast. You can also try to check up on your childs father and see if he's improved and deserves to know how his child is. The only thing I would advise you not to do you be to date until you go through some therapy because you will keep attracting problematic men with these addictive tendencies until you find out the reason why. You're a true care taker and will enter in relationships with men who won't provide for you in the same way. You're going to get your feelings hurt time and time again and go from good to bad or bad to worse because you won't be happy not feeling needed all the time.


:iagree:

No, no dating for me! Not any time soon. Aside from the fact that I do still love my husband and that would not be fair to anyone, I am working on my codependent nature. Like you said, I will just wind up in the same situation just a different guy.

As far as my daughter's dad goes, he is in the picture. When I filed for separation, he realized I was serious. He wanted to go to counseling, but it was too late for me, I didnt care to save the marriage at that point. Luckily for him, he took it serious for himself too. He is clean now. He still gambles, but as far as I know, he's not taking mortgages out to pay off bookies anymore. He remarried (a friend of his family - so I know her too), they have 2 little boys. (His wife can send me a "thank you" card anytime she is ready, lol) But seriously. I actually like her. She treats my daughter wonderfully. He picks her up from school 2 days a week and brings her home before bedtime, he also gets her every other weekend. They boys come with their dad when they drop my daughter off at night. They love me as much as I love them. Any family of my daughter is family to me! We all get along very well. I always joke around and say that I love the show Reba but never thought it was going to be my life! So luckily, I have no issues or hassles as far as that goes.


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## Riverside MFT

phillybrokenheart,
I have not read through your entire story, but have read through this post and am truly amazed at your determination to change and improve yourself (i.e. not allowing your husband to come in a few nights ago). Keep it up! Keep moving forward with your life. Props to you again for your persistence.


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## phillybrokenheart

Riverside MFT said:


> phillybrokenheart,
> I have not read through your entire story, but have read through this post and am truly amazed at your determination to change and improve yourself (i.e. not allowing your husband to come in a few nights ago). Keep it up! Keep moving forward with your life. Props to you again for your persistence.


Thank you! I appreciate all the support


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## Cherry

So how are things Philly? Are you hanging in there, remaining strong and determined? Just thinking about you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Maybe check out some Alanon meetings.


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## Nsweet

No, she needs to go to friends and family of Narcotics Anonymous. The similar families of Alanon will help too but this is geared more towards her H's problems.


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## phillybrokenheart

Cherry said:


> So how are things Philly? Are you hanging in there, remaining strong and determined? Just thinking about you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Cherry 

I am doing ok. Not good, not bad. I'm reading. Its been interesting to say the least. Im going to post a thread about it in a few. Just wanted to stop here first and thank you again. Its the support and concern from people like you that has really been a blessing to me. I really cant thank you enough!


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## phillybrokenheart

Nsweet said:


> No, she needs to go to friends and family of Narcotics Anonymous. The similar families of Alanon will help too but this is geared more towards her H's problems.





that_girl said:


> Maybe check out some Alanon meetings.


I have been to Alanon meetings. And I say this ONLY FROM THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE HAD WITH THE VERY FEW PLACES THAT ARE AVAILABLE IN MY AREA - so no one please take this as a bash against Alanon.

Unfortunately in my area, there are so little meetings offered for Alanon. NONE at all for Naranon, and only ONE for CODA. Its very sad really. Especially if you try to pull up an AA meeting and see pages and pages of listings - well duh - didn't anyone think that for ALL those addicts were people affected by their addictions that could use a place to get help??? 

But with the few that were offered, I went to all, 7 in total (This was over a year ago). My counselor had told me to try all of them because each would be unique with its members and the way they went about things. I found ONE that I felt comfortable in but the availability was - one meeting, in the middle of the day, on a weekday, in Center City, where it would take me 45 mintues to get to from my work, and then 1 hour meeting, 45 minutes drive back to work, and paying to park in a parking lot. Not very convenient. The other meetings I went to were not a good fit for me. 

But I did buy a ton of the books they had to offer and I still read them frequently. I do participate with AlAnon blogs on line as well.

Its really a shame that there is not more out there for the all the people in this world affected by people with addiction. 
:scratchhead:


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## Nsweet

Sometimes you've got to be your own counselor when you don't have the money or opportunities to get help. I know I had to pour through books on divorce until I could scrounge up enough to do MC with divorcebusters. By that time I was really only bouncing ideas off of my MC and ended up teaching her a few things as well. Take those lemon seeds and create buckets of lemonade later on 

You have the motivation and you have the brains for it, you can improve yourself and any future relationship you have or you can save marriage if you are willing to try. Both options will prove equally stressfull but I think the mother in you wants to see your husband get better after this. Chances are he needs the push that divorce provides but he will get better once he's faced with losing everything. The sheer despiration and tears at being thrown out should indicate how rough this is going ot be for him later on.


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