# Married But Waking Up Fantasizing About Past Lovers/Missed



## Yearning204 (Oct 1, 2020)

Hi, I've been married over two years now and we're at a point in our relationship where my wife is in a depression, and while she is seeking therapy and working on getting a new job (a big part of her sadness), she's not emotionally/intimately available at all.

I know she loves me and I appreciate our friendship/camaraderie and support for each other. No kids yet, except for our dog which we've raised together and care for like a child.

Needless to say, we're having little if any sex these days, let alone kissing or any kind of foreplay. I've started to wake up in the middle of the night in a dream where I'm having sex or engaging sexually with either a past girlfriend or women in the past that I never made it past friends stage with but had the desire to. It's happening more frequently. I'm torn because I love my wife but I don't know how I can continue for the long run with a lack of sexual desire/intimacy that we used to have in the beginning.

Any guys out there that can relate/share some advice? I'm on the verge of trying to suggest we have an open relationship and maybe see other people during this time to try and spice things up. *{EDIT: I wrote this in haste, I don't realistically think this will spice things up, I'm just struggling to find a way to communicate to her and heal our relationship. Thanks for your comments} *


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you talked to her about how your feeling and your needs?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think asking to open up your relationship while your wife is already in a state of depression would be a HUGE mistake. Is she seeing therapist? It might be better to ask to go to one of her appointments because you have questions and concerns. If she asks what, be honest..."I want to support you, I love you, but while you are going through this, it's become all about you, and I have needs too. I need to feel you love me too and that's not happening." She'll ask what you need to feel that way and you need to be honest...physical affection/sex. If she can't handle that explain that's why you wanted to sit in on one of her appointments so you could get help figuring out how to resolve the problem keeping both of your needs in mind.

Asking to sleep with other people while she's already feel low about herself will just make that all the worse and will be the start of the end of your marriage. She will hear "I only love you for the sex." Not good.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yearning204 said:


> Any guys out there that can relate/share some advice? I'm on the verge of trying to suggest we have an open relationship and maybe see other people during this time to try and spice things up.


You're a real piece of work, aren't you?

I guess "in sickness and in health" means nothing to you and your genitals. I guess your right hand was injured in the great war?

Unreal.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yearning204 said:


> I'm on the verge of trying to suggest we have an open relationship and maybe see other people during this time to try and spice things up.


Do not suggest that. First off, an open marriage will most likely destroy your marriage and it would be a one-sided open marriage which is worse. Let's be honest, your depressed wife won't be out banging other men. Second, that is a guaranteed way to make your wife's depression far worse.

Your wife is struggling with her mental health. I understand it's hard, trust me, but you need to be patient with her while she works on feeling better. There will probably come a day when you need her to be patient with you as well, not tell you she needs to **** other men. 

Is she on medication? If not that could be another step to try.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yearning204 said:


> Hi, I've been married over two years now and we're at a point in our relationship where my wife is in a depression, and while she is seeking therapy and working on getting a new job (a big part of her sadness), she's not emotionally/intimately available at all.
> 
> I know she loves me and I appreciate our friendship/camaraderie and support for each other. No kids yet, except for our dog which we've raised together and care for like a child.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm... I think you might be a bit of a lunatic if you believe asking her if you can screw other women is even a plausible thought.

My advice to you is that you man up and take the pressure off of her.

Take care of everything financially and, if you aren't able, get to the point you can.

I don't comprehend a man who doesn't take care of or care for his wife.

I believe your attitude and posture would probably leave a lot of women depressed.

Can you see that you might have a very selfish outlook about your marriage?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

“Spice things up”? Yeah, that’ll work well.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You say there is little to no intimacy these days.
How long are we talking? (Weeks, months, years).

Your wife is depressed which is a libido killer, and so are antidepressants. Is your wife taking any antidepressants?

You say no kids yet. Are you planning on having kids? If so, pregnancy and the months after birth can mean low or even zero sex.
How would you manage those times?
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't dare to ask for an open marriage whilst your wife is nursing your child.
So why does it seem like a good idea now?

The frustration is real, but your attitude is very unrealistic. 

Maybe you didn't make any vows to your wife to look after each other in sickness and in health. But if you did, you are now in the sickness part, and need to support her recovery, not add to her problems. 

Spice things up? 
You really want to see your wife being wooed by another guy and taken out on dates etc? You don't mind sharing her emotionally as well as sexually?
Do you really think she would be ok with sharing you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you promise to be faithful to her when you married? If you did then you clearly didnt mean it did you. Only 2 years. I fear for your marriage when you have such little understanding of faithfullness and of the effects of depression. 
Marriage is for better and for worse, yet already you are wanting to committ adultery. How are you going to manage through all the other trials that will come your way? By bailing out as well? Seems that way. 

Talk to her about how you feel and see if you can come to a compromise, but you asking for an open marriage, (IE so YOU can committ adultery), will end the marriage I can guarantee it.


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## Yearning204 (Oct 1, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Did you promise to be faithful to her when you married? If you did then you clearly didnt mean it did you. Only 2 years. I fear for your marriage when you have such little understanding of faithfullness and of the effects of depression.
> Marriage is for better and for worse, yet already you are wanting to committ adultery. How are you going to manage through all the other trials that will come your way? By bailing out as well? Seems that way.
> 
> Talk to her about how you feel and see if you can come to a compromise, but you asking for an open marriage, (IE so YOU can committ adultery), will end the marriage I can guarantee it.


Thanks, I am going to talk to her and see if I can join her next therapy appointment. We have an extremely honest and open relationship and I do not want to commit adultery. I guess I have just felt with everythint going on in her life it's selfish of me to ask for more, but I do think she wants the same goal of healing back/creating space for intimacy.

I think the main thing is that there's just no room right now in our relationship for intimacy. I miss it (I know she does too), and I just need to bring it up and I think joining her therapy sessions could be helpful. We've tried therapy before and made some headway but now she has her own therapist (seen 3 times now remotely)


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## Yearning204 (Oct 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> “Spice things up”? Yeah, that’ll work well.


I edited my original post. I totally wrote that in haste and didn't really mean it. Just stream of consciousness missing intimacy and sex but I don't want to cheat at all.


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## Yearning204 (Oct 1, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> You say there is little to no intimacy these days.
> How long are we talking? (Weeks, months, years).
> 
> Your wife is depressed which is a libido killer, and so are antidepressants. Is your wife taking any antidepressants?
> ...


Thanks for these comments. Honestly we are SO used to no sex that no sex during pregnancy or after would feel normal. We probably have sex maybe once a month and 9/10 I'm instigating it. I don't usually try because I don't get signals she wants to. We had sex like rabbits the first six months, but I guess that's most relationships.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're a real piece of work, aren't you?
> 
> I guess "in sickness and in health" means nothing to you and your genitals. I guess your right hand was injured in the great war?
> 
> Unreal.


She isn't physically incapable and her husband hasn't said he's not been there for her.

Come on, get a grip. What's the harm in H wondering what the hell, at least have some sex?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I guess I've never been depressed. Lately I've thought I was. Lately I've felt as down as I've ever been. But, Sex twice a month would make me feel a lot less depressed. Maybe women really are that different. Sex is all the escape I need. 
To the OP, when you do instigate, does she feel blamed, insufficient, or pressured? Can you instigate in a way that would make her feel attractive? I'm reaching here too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She isn't physically incapable and her husband hasn't said he's not been there for her.
> 
> Come on, get a grip. What's the harm in H wondering what the hell, at least have some sex?


When people are ill with depression sex is the last thng they can cope with.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kindly, I disagree there. 
H hasn't said he hasn't been there for her, or that he's been an ass to her.

Perhaps he's doing all the right things, and supportive with her illness.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> When people are ill with depression sex is the last thng they can cope with.


Certain people I'm sure that's true. Other people (I'm guessing) that is their coping mechanism.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sex is something you "cope" with?
Overdue bills and clogged toilets are something you cope with. If sex is a clogged toilet, I hope you aren't having erotic dreams.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you need to suck it up for awhile until your wife's situation improves because your problem seems small compared to hers. She's who needs help right now, sounds like. You just need to keep it in your pants and keep your thoughts about it in your head lying dormant. No one is going to die from not getting laid for awhile. You can masturbate to whoever you want. Just don't tell her that. Considering what she's going through, I don't think she'd take all this me, me, me very well. Have some patience. That's at least as big a part of marriage as sex.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Yearning204 said:


> Thanks for these comments. Honestly we are SO used to no sex that no sex during pregnancy or after would feel normal. We probably have sex maybe once a month and 9/10 I'm instigating it. I don't usually try because I don't get signals she wants to. We had sex like rabbits the first six months, but I guess that's most relationships.


Instigate any way. She may get into it after you start. You are changing you baced on your pecieved idea that she is not up for it. She could also be thinking he must not want me since he hardly ever initiates.

You said she had alot going on. What else is the issue besides job search? Do not become passive! My dad did after my mom's depression episodes. Dont upset your mother(God forbid) The intimacy was gone and after awhile dad had ED. I think he was so resentful of her he did not have any want to be intimate any longer. They slept in same bed at night but that was it. 

He was better when away from her but i now saw him as weak and pathetic for tolerating her behavior. Im also resentful for how she acted and treated him and do not see my mom much. Dad passed March 2019 from heart attack. Now she has regrets. How nice!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Instigate any way. She may get into it after you start. You are changing you baced on your pecieved idea that she is not up for it. She could also be thinking he must not want me since he hardly ever initiates.
> 
> You said she had alot going on. What else is the issue besides job search? Do not become passive! My dad did after my mom's depression episodes. Dont upset your mother(God forbid) The intimacy was gone and after awhile dad had ED. I think he was so resentful of her he did not have any want to be intimate any longer. They slept in same bed at night but that was it.
> 
> He was better when away from her but i now saw him as weak and pathetic for tolerating her behavior. Im also resentful for how she acted and treated him and do not see my mom much. Dad passed March 2019 from heart attack. Now she has regrets. How nice!


Thanks for sharing. 

There are always at least two sides to every story!

👍👍👍


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Depression takes time to treat, so you need some patience. Usually, various drugs are prescribed to help, but they often need fine tuning for dosage, and some can kill libido. Talk therapy alone won't accomplish anything in most cases. If drugs aren't being prescribed, do go to therapy with her (if possible) and ask lots of questions about the cause and the treatment. You may have more compassion if you can understand what she's going through. It's not yet time to consider your options, and hopefully she'll get well and this will become just another hard time in your marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I think the main thing is that there's just no room right now in our relationship for intimacy."
I don't agree with this at ALL.
How hard is it to just hold her hand or her yours? How much time does it take to just walk up, give a hug and say "Love you".
There is ALWAYS "room" for intimacy - both just have to want it.
AND you need to understand that intimacy DOESN"T mean you are always going to have sex. Sometimes just sitting together can be intimate without it having to lead anyplace.

Now, as far as SEX, yes depression can really do a number on the libido, but if the love is there and the work is being done to try and overcome that, I think even that can be improved. Learn about reactive desire in women. GET her in the mood rather than expect her to BE in the mood. Maybe that can help you both.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm pulling for OP and W as a couple.

What's going to be increasingly problematic is if the troubled areas in the M get center stage for a very long time, that will become the norm.

If both choose to accept it, is indeed sad.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Yearning204 said:


> I think the main thing is that there's just no room right now in our relationship for intimacy. I miss it (I know she does too)


Then what's the problem? How do you instigating it?! Is it like, "honey I want sex tonight"?!
What's stopping you for jump in bed when she is there and taking control and dominating the situation?!
Or better pull her to you and go for it?!
Did you try and she said no?!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP how long has this been going on? If it's a fairly recent issue, like in the last 3-6 months perhaps, you need to give it time. The right medications etc. can take a few tweaks to get the formula right. There's no quick fix.

However, if it's been going on for longer than that, your wife does need to consider your needs as well. If that means she has to occasionally go along to get along then that's what she needs to do.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most patient person when it comes to depression. Have lived through it with a very close relative and it was hell on earth. I swore then and I meant it, I will never live like that again. It's a very self indulgent illness.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He said she is in a depression, not clinically depressed. Largely due to not having a job. 

As a person who's LL is physical intamacy living in this situation would be serious. The longer it goes on the more distant and emotionally unattached i would become, as i would be feeling abandoned and unloved.

When i hear stories about spouses who no longer want to have sex with ther partner, i think OK so if they stop all affection or communication to the other spouse then the withholding spouse should be fine with it. After all, the spouse in the desert does not feel like being affectionate or communicating with their spouse...they should be fine with the decision...they are not gonna die from it, as some said previously.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Certain people I'm sure that's true. Other people (I'm guessing) that is their coping mechanism.


It depends on how bad the depression is I think. There is a massive variation from those who are just a bit down to those who are extremely ill and maybe even in hospital. 
When people come here saying that they or their spouse are depressed its not always easy to know where they fall on this line.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> OP how long has this been going on? If it's a fairly recent issue, like in the last 3-6 months perhaps, you need to give it time. The right medications etc. can take a few tweaks to get the formula right. There's no quick fix.
> 
> However, if it's been going on for longer than that, your wife does need to consider your needs as well. If that means she has to occasionally go along to get along then that's what she needs to do.
> 
> I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most patient person when it comes to depression. Have lived through it with a very close relative and it was hell on earth. I swore then and I meant it, I will never live like that again. It's a very self indulgent illness.


I cant agree at all that its a self indulgent illness. Those with severe depression are just far too ill to live normally or think rationally.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> He said she is in a depression, not clinically depressed. Largely due to not having a job.
> 
> As a person who's LL is physical intamacy living in this situation would be serious. The longer it goes on the more distant and emotionally unattached i would become, as i would be feeling abandoned and unloved.
> 
> When i hear stories about spouses who no longer want to have sex with ther partner, i think OK so if they stop all affection or communication to the other spouse then the withholding spouse should be fine with it. After all, the spouse in the desert does not feel like being affectionate or communicating with their spouse...they should be fine with the decision...they are not gonna die from it, as some said previously.


yes it could be that she is just low due to her being at home all day and jobless.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sex is something you "cope" with?
> Overdue bills and clogged toilets are something you cope with. If sex is a clogged toilet, I hope you aren't having erotic dreams.


When you are very depressed everything is something that needs coping with. Just getting up each day is a struggle. Not saying this lady has severe depression.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you can not control your dreams. So when you wake up with morning wood, grab your wife and DO THE DEED.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> you can not control your dreams. So when you wake up with morning wood, grab your wife and DO THE DEED.


That is so true, the othe night I dreamt that I was dating Boris Johnson, husband and I thought that was quite amusing.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> That is so true, the othe night I dreamt that I was dating Boris Johnson, husband and I thought that was quite amusing.


it was his hair, it is mesmerizing

but you know...i don't judge such things. IF it is going to spice up your bedroom life....buy your hubby one of these









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let us know how it works!!! LOL


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> yes it could be that she is just low due to her being at home all day and jobless.


there is a Harvard Medical School study that says 15 minutes of aerobic exercise every morning really helps most people with depression. So instead of sitting in the house quarantining all day, take the dog out for a brisk walk every morning!


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