# Could I get some insight... Preferably from a man?



## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

Ok- here's the scoop. I am a 43 yr old recently separated woman from a bad marriage. It was a good thing to move on, for many reasons I won't get into now. I am by no means in any rush to get into a 'committed' relationship- but let's face it- we get lonely being alone. And even more- it seems as I've gotten older, my sex drive as revved up. I'm more interested and daring with things of sex. Since my separation- I've been really finding myself and rediscovering 'me'. I don't want to stop the progress I'm making- yet I'd like to have a 'friend' -- preferably one guy-- who can be the friend with benefits. My feeling is that if we hit it off along the way- who knows where it will lead? But in the meantime, a relationship with no ties to a serious commitment... No moving in together...etc... is what I'm looking for. 
Here's where it gets interesting and I would like a male perspective. A man I work with became aware of my separation and asked if he could give me his number. I said yes. We started with innocent simple texting- which developed into flirting... Into well, you get the picture. So we talked about wanting to get together- but it/he has always been evasive. Yet he'll tell me how sexy I am... How much I turn him on... What he wants to do to me... Then plans never come together. One night (for 2 hours!!) he came to my place and we talked, drank a little wine, ate a little food I prepared... Then had the craziest sex I ever did. It was out of this world! Best ever. So what happens? Nothing. He could've spent the night, but insisted on leaving. He doesn't respond to my messages half the time. He talks and talks about making plans to get together and just like before- what he wants to do to me.. And me to him.. But then avoids it happening when it gets right down to it. I've even sent him texts to get him riled- and he acts like he never got it! Yet again- when I see him- its like he goes on and on about how he wants me. I am hopelessly confused! And terribly sexually frustrated! My girlfriends say everything from- 'he's a player' to he's scared. But remember -- I'm not looking for serious either!!! Ugh! Advice, please!!!


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

How much do you KNOW about him? Like...perhaps he's married? Or he's got a girlfriend and you were what he needed THAT night, but not the others...


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Smells of something fishy......Like married or dysfunctional.......Get rid of him...It should not require that much "work" so early in the relationship........He should be open and transparent.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

john1068 said:


> How much do you KNOW about him? Like...perhaps he's married? Or he's got a girlfriend and you were what he needed THAT night, but not the others...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

I've worked with him (albeit not closely) for 7 years. He has the reputation as a player... But honestly it didn't bother me much because I really kind of was/am feeling so casual about a 'relationship'. I am just so not ready for anything that committed. It's not easy finding a man around my age that feels the same way, believe it or not. He did say to me- "you're the kind of woman I could really like a lot- you're different, in a good way". But I gotta say- I can't believe how damn hard I have to work for a sexual relationship (as awful as that my sound... Sorry)! I am so not the type to say this- but I'm not unattractive. I'm not skinny- I have curves- but I'm not that overweight. And what's with the I want you/ignore you thing? It doesn't make sense.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> And what's with the I want you/ignore you thing? It doesn't make sense.


Sure is making you thing about him. May be part of his "game" as a player...he's for all intents and purposes a random hookup. Reach outside your comfort zone and look for a more compatible "friend". You'd be surprised how popular a 43 year old "not unattractive" woman with curves who likes to have non-committed sex can be. My best friend recently divorced, he's 45, set up a dating profile on pof dot com, and he's getting laid 10 times more often than he did when he was married.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> And what's with the I want you/ignore you thing? It doesn't make sense.


it makes alot of sense is kind of player 101.

and he probably don't want you to get too attached to him, contrary of what you are sying it looks like you are already getting attached yo him.

BTW: that thing about you are special and different in a good way is pure "crap" every player said, after all they know that women aroung them know their fame so they have to make the woman think she is different from the others.

this will no end good for you, is better to try to detach from him.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Of course he says all that ****. He wants to keep you on the hook. Move along


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

Thank you for the comments! I have to say... I think you have a point Manticore- I guess I was starting to have feelings for him. Ugh! Darn heart has to mess with me every time! Lol! Maybe I'm not a good 'player'!! Teehee!! And John- thanks for the tip! I'm a bit scared of the website hookups- but I guess it's a common option these days.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like he's got someplace else he has to be (another girlfriend or a wife). He's got a rep as a player and he's behaving like one with you. Where's the mystery? I wouldn't think it'd be very hard to find a guy willing to oblige your friends with benefits plan.


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

I guess I'm naive :/


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> I guess I'm naive :/


More likely...lonely and...simply horny. Bad combination because it makes you work for scraps. Don't work for scraps.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> I've worked with him (albeit not closely) for 7 years.


After 7 years, you should know what his dating habits and relationship situation is frankly.

Based on these few details, he may be employing the rubber band technique on you.

I've used it before, it works.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Not a man here, but know what I am talking about. 

First thought: He's married or has a long distance relationship. 
Second thought: He didn't rate the sex with you as highly as he wanted, but he doesn't want to lose the option to have a booty call, either. 

Final thought: Value yourself. There's nothing wrong with wanting no-strings sex, but you don't strike me as someone who's truly ok with that, at least not for long. So don't pretend to be. Just acknowledge that you're taking things a piece at a time, that you're receptive to whatever does or doesn't develop... BUT... let yourself decide what rules you'll follow, not someone else who has not proven themselves worthy of you.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Doesn't sound like you can get by with just an f-buddy. Sounds like you get attached to the man you have sex with. That's not a bad thing. Why not just take your time and find a nice guy rather than just some d!ck?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> I guess I'm naive :/


Well maybe a Little naive, but also vulnerable, is normal if you come from a bad marriage were your emotinal and physical needs were not meet, and the you began to feel attention for another soucer, that is why sometimes people inmediatly after marriage enter in a new relationship a less thatn a year they are speaking of marriage again (very bad idea)

maybe you need a time without partners to settle your feelings and then you can begin to date again.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

SO many posts that go like this.
Can someone help me to figure out why another person acts a certain way? Then what will happen? Are you going to adapt?

Your interaction with him as describe is him. IT is what you get in a relationship with him. Whatever the reason. So you are to decide is this something you desire to have in your life? Personally I would think you're better off with a vibrator than an erratic person but that's just me.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

What would your husband think about you having sex with a stranger?


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

wilderness said:


> What would your husband think about you having sex with a stranger?


Wow... I thought I said in my initial comment that I am separated. The only reason I am not divorced from a man that is abusive and cruel is because I can't afford it after he devoured the money on gambling.. Essentially forcing me to leave my residence with my son to find a safe place to exist. So, 'wilderness' ... If you are asking me how my EX husband (because a piece of paper means s**t to me if there is no love), feels about me having sex with a stranger? I would say I could not care less! Hope that answers your very accusatory question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would also advise that you focus on building your life back up, raising your son, and not getting your sexual needs met by low quality men.


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

I feel the need to defend myself to some extent... I truly appreciate what everyone is saying- well, almost everyone. The thing is... I realize I'm not in any way ready for serious. Yet- I am a sexual human being. I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a ****. I am far from it. My son IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE, bar none! I will not put him through any more than he and I have been through over the past several years as far as a man being in his life is concerned. However, is it such a crazy notion that women have sexual needs too? Sure toys are great, but sometimes you actually would like a warm body to hold you- and talk to you. I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> Wow... I thought I said in my initial comment that I am separated. The only reason I am not divorced from a man that is abusive and cruel is because I can't afford it after he devoured the money on gambling.. Essentially forcing me to leave my residence with my son to find a safe place to exist. So, 'wilderness' ... If you are asking me how my EX husband (because a piece of paper means s**t to me if there is no love), feels about me having sex with a stranger? I would say I could not care less! Hope that answers your very accusatory question.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MSDAngel. As you are aware, you are on a forum that is not very friendly to extramarital relationships. I know that you were offended by this question, but in many's minds here it is a fair question. Separation does NOT necessarily mean permanent, for many it is for a final goal of reunification. MOST BS's here are vehemently against extramarital sexual relations at all, even during separation while waiting for the final divorce decree. Married is married, even if it is just a piece of paper.

So I ask you to just take a step back and look at it through the eyes of your audience. I see that you are very new to posting, so I don't know if you were like me and lurked a lot before getting up the nutz to put yourself out there with a user name or not. But some advice you will get will be crazy. Some will be in your face honest, but nonetheless like a 2x4 to the forehead. The general consensus in this forum is that if you're married, sex on the side is a no-no. It is what it is.

In the end, this is a very good forum. You don't need to reply to every post. Some things you can ignore. And outbursts are OK. Just know where many here have been as a BS...

I look forward to you staying and posting here.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

sandc said:


> Doesn't sound like you can get by with just an f-buddy. Sounds like you get attached to the man you have sex with. That's not a bad thing. Why not just take your time and find a nice guy rather than just some d!ck?


:iagree:

Either this guy is married or he is playing you like a fiddle. If I ever get divorced, I would act like him. Always keep them wanting more, respond on your terms, and when you're with them show them how great you are.

Sounds like its working. You are chasing and you love it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Vulnerable women always seem to get caught in that " fwb" flytrap, once they're on the market.
What most women don't understand is that a man could smell insecurity and vulnerability in a woman even before she utters her first word to him.
And to manipulative men, that vulnerability is a turn on. It means easy sex.
That's what makes it easy for a player to play silly mind games and manipulate insecure women.
He senses she's vulnerable and tell he that she's vulnerable.
She amazed at his perception , and begins to trust. 
He uses the rubber band aka " push & pull " technique on her , to further confuse her feelings and make her even more vulnerable.

Better to work on your insecurities and vulnerabilities, _on your own._
A fwb , or casual sex encounters will not help build your self esteem , but tear it down.
Relationships and sex are about power exchanges where sex is currency.
You enter a relationship emotionally weak , then an exploitative person will exploit you. 
A player simply exploits you without you figuring out you that are being exploited.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> He has the reputation as a player...



You are smarter and better than this! When are women going to stop falling for these types of guys! Especially if you work with them. Did you think he would change for you? Players don't change! He learned you were vulnerable (separated) and then immediately made his move after seven years of nothing. Come on!

Figure out what you're looking for first. My advice is to not worry about men for a while (at least until your divorce is final) and spend time discovering yourself and having true freedom for the first time in years. Travel, take a class, start a fun hobby! The right man will come along naturally.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

MSDAngel, I’ll throw out the other perspective. I think, notwithstanding your emotional vulnerability at the moment (which you need to be the judge of), that you are in a viable situation for this type of relationship. I wouldn’t be discouraged about your age or situation but I’d also caution to not let yourself be exploited because of it – which appears to be what has happened so far.

In my late 20’s I had a relationship for several years with a woman, similar to you, in her late 40’s. It was very clear from the “git go” that we would not be a “forever” type of thing I ultimately wanted a family and she was very seriously looking to a retirement and travel in the next decade or two.

Ultimately, I went away for graduate school, got married and started a family. She remarried and from what I can see on Facebook has attained her ambitions.

I think, at the time, we were very good for each other. We were acquainted through a professional association, were in similar fields and were able to do a lot together – not to mention the great sex but also intellectually recreationally and simple companionship like Scrabble and a bottle of wine on a Friday evening. 

My only other thought to that relationship, as distinguished from your experience, is that she clearly called the shots as much as I and I wanted to be with her as much as she did with me. Had I pulled any “shenanigans” like you fellow had, it’d have been over. Respect is key to any relationship be it romantic, plutonic, business or simple friendship


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MSDAngel said:


> Wow... I thought I said in my initial comment that I am separated. The only reason I am not divorced from a man that is abusive and cruel is because I can't afford it after he devoured the money on gambling.. Essentially forcing me to leave my residence with my son to find a safe place to exist. So, 'wilderness' ... If you are asking me how my EX husband (because a piece of paper means s**t to me if there is no love), feels about me having sex with a stranger? I would say I could not care less! Hope that answers your very accusatory question.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While the question may have been offensive to you, MSD, your reply sheds some important light on the situation with this guy from work. You say your to-be-ex was abusive, cruel, and spent too much on gambling. 

My guess is that you discovered him not giving much thought to how you felt. You saw that he went after what HE wanted. 

Sounds JUST like new guy to me.

Hopefully you'll learn to look for a new trait in your next relationship: A guy who makes what YOU want just as important as his own wants... whether it's choosing a place for dinner or having sex or deciding whether to marry.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If a guy is getting fed, he doesn't need an extra meal.

Fed is a euphemism for bootay.

I'd bet a lot that you're not the only option here. But if that's what you want no biggie right?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> MSDAngel, I’ll throw out the other perspective. I think, notwithstanding your emotional vulnerability at the moment (which you need to be the judge of), that you are in a viable situation for this type of relationship. I wouldn’t be discouraged about your age or situation but I’d also caution to not let yourself be exploited because of it – which appears to be what has happened so far.
> 
> In my late 20’s I had a relationship for several years with a woman, similar to you, in her late 40’s. It was very clear from the “git go” that we would not be a “forever” type of thing I ultimately wanted a family and she was very seriously looking to a retirement and travel in the next decade or two.
> 
> ...


Similar experiences to Spindaddy, he posted a great counter-balanced argument in favour (generally).

This is also a consideration, that things don't have to be forever. I have similar fond memories of older women.

This wasn't about being a player, we always parted on good terms. I fear that CM, though right when it comes to this particular shmuck, may give the impression that all such arrangements are sordid.

When neither of them are looking for soul mates, it can be even more fun than a 'proper' relationship. You enjoy it, knowing that you have to make the most of it.

But it has to be going in with both eyes open,

and he doesn't sound _honest _enough for this scenario to be possible.

I really cared for these older women, but there was never a question of settling with them. If I saw them tomorrow, I would be just as pleased to see them as when we parted, and I wouldn't be looking to get back with them.

I guess the natural age-difference helps to re-enforce this boundary. I don't see any boundaries - separate workplaces, age-difference becoming insurmountable in the future, living in different cities etc. which would stop you from fooling yourself into infatuation.

It has to be where you can keep your head, and where one of the two can't try to change the arrangement. And you also have to trust and care about the other person. He doesn't inspire trust either, so...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am guessing:

1. He doesn't want to get in too deep with you because you WORK together professionally and let's face it, mixing business with sex is generally a bad idea. I personally would never involve myself with someone I work with. Ever. No way.

2. He has a rep as a player. You said it yourself. Generally people do not change. You haven't said how old he is. If this is his legacy/what he's known for, then it is probably true for him. If you've worked together 7 yrs, you must know something about his other entanglements/involvement with women, or at least heard something. Ask around. What do your colleagues say?

3. It doesn't sound like you guys ever had something more than a few texts and some sexual activity. So you're professional FWBs. Though it seems to work more on his time whenever he's available.

4. He could have someone, a main piece. Making you the sidepiece.

5. You are still married and this may make him wary to pursue anything further.

It's clear from your interactions that he doesn't want this to be more than what it is. The thing about sex is that generally someone ends up catching feelings. It sounds like that may be you in this situation. Women do begin to feel emotions for the man they sleep with. It's almost a requirement. No, not all women, but generally, if you have been with someone a couple of times, you start feeling territorial. You are lonely, that is normal after a separation/divorce. I would just caution you to take this very lightly, your relationship with him, that is. Because it's clear 1. you need to get through your separation and divorce, 2. you need t still work with this guy (eek!) and 3. don't put in more effort than he does. Mirror his actions.

My feeling is you need to scale back some with this guy. If it's just a bang you want, then make it super informal because it seems like that is all he is willing to give. 


The only time these casual situations work is when BOTH people are completely on the same page. It rarely happens in a FWB situation because as I stated before, someone ends up catching emotions eventually. Now, if you can separate that from the sex, then you will be able to carry on with him as such. 

I do not think you should have to work hard for some sex without strings BUT, that is only when you have ZERO emotion tied into it. And it sounds like you guys are only operating on HIS schedule.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> When neither of them are looking for soul mates, it can be even more fun than a 'proper' relationship. You enjoy it, knowing that you have to make the most of it.
> 
> *But it has to be going in with both eyes open,
> 
> ...


Yes! :iagree:

This is the ONLY way this type of casual arrangement can work. You just spelled out what I was trying to say, Sand. 

Essentially, you have to both agree to what it is (or isn't). It's the only way a FWB can work. I had one, long ago, and it's as Sand describes. We liked and respected eachother as individuals and we had an understanding that it would never be more than what it was. We did not want a formal relationship so our relationship was more casual. There was no rudeness on either of our parts to one another, such as blowing the other person off or being generally weird or disrespectful to the other person. We never really had a discussion about it but sometimes the cosmos align perfectly and you are on the same page, which we were. It was understood that we were all we would ever be together and it worked out perfectly. Eventually, we both ended up dating other people so we stopped hooking up. Zero regrets from either side. I knew we wouldn't end up together nor was I looking for a bonafide boyfriend at the time. He was the perfect person for me and what we both wanted at that time and because there was never any confusion about what we were, and how respectful he was, I will always remember him fondly.

This situation was ideal.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

MSDAngel said:


> He could've spent the night, but insisted on leaving. He doesn't respond to my messages half the time.


This is NOT how a FWB relationship works.



MSDAngel said:


> I guess I was starting to have feelings for him.


Again: This is NOT how a FWB relationship works.



john1068 said:


> More likely...lonely and...simply horny. Bad combination because it makes you work for scraps. Don't work for scraps.


TRUE.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha, Sand...it sounds like you and I had the perfect FWB situations! They are anomalies.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> This wasn't about being a player, we always parted on good terms. I fear that CM, though right when it comes to this particular shmuck, may give the impression that all such arrangements are sordid.
> 
> .


No, they're aren't all sordid.
Two people being fwb with a full understanding and appreciation of each other'e background situation isn't at all shady.
But when one partner is being manipulated because of their vulnerable , insecure state , and the other partner is FULLY aware,
Then I think it's low and sordid.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

damagedgoods1 said:


> *Originally Posted by MSDAngel View Post*
> _He could've spent the night, but insisted on leaving. He doesn't respond to my messages half the time._
> 
> This is NOT how a FWB relationship works.
> ...


:iagree:

My point, exactly.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Haha, Sand...it sounds like you and I had the perfect FWB situations! They are anomalies.


Maybe because, for all our (or just 'my'!) faults, we are essentially caring and honest people, capable of keeping a bit of distance?

BTW...

Anomalies is one of those words impossible to pronounce after two drinks. You start saying "amonalies". The word itself is an anomaly. I bet asking an OCD person to say it ten times in a row perfectly would cause them to self-destruct. I don't have a point, just thought I'd share.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

I wonder, OP, if you have thought anymore about what you want to do about it?

Have you had any change of circumstances?


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## MSDAngel (Apr 8, 2013)

It's funny... I'm new to the lingo... Took a moment for me to figure out who OP was. 
Anyway... I must say, I am very glad I decided to reach out and ask this question. Although I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond- I am particularly intrigued by the male responses. I feel like I'm getting a much sought after glimpse into the male psyche. I have been quite enlightened! I am feeling a bit bruised to be honest. I'm experiencing a mix of emotions- sad, angry, disappointed...
Yet, I can say this.. Despite feeling those things- I am grateful. I know what I have to do. I am not 100% certain anymore that I am capable of having a FWB (still not sure what that exactly means, but I get the gist). I am a soulful person, this I know. I love hard. I love to please the person I love- perhaps to a fault. How could that work with casual? Not likely. 
So, yeah... I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself- I'll be the first to admit. I just need some time to go lick my wounds in the corner like a dog would do. 
I will probably be sending him a msg sometime tonight briefly explaining that I need to emotionally move on- so I'M closing that door. I'd prefer face to face- but that's not going to happen, partly because he works 3rd shift to my 1st (at a prison).
Truly grateful for all the input!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP = Original Poster (you, in this thread)
FWB = Friends with Benefits (i.e. casual/sexual relationship where there is no formal relationship).


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Good call MSDA. The first word in FWB is Friend and this fellow certainly is no friend.


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