# After 23 years of marriage



## Hiswifeof23yrs (22 d ago)

I found anal toys and some hose and bra in my husbands things. He says they are his. How do I trust or believe that?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Talk to him about it. Ask him to explain what he does with those things. Ask him when he bought them, etc. Are the sizes right for something he would/could wear? They could very well be his. A non-judgemental discussion is the place to start. Let us know how it goes.


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## Hiswifeof23yrs (22 d ago)

He bought them a few months ago & he could wear them. I believe they are his. I get anal play. However he likes dildos he says to hold and look at. And the women’s stuff is not something I signed on for. He says he won’t do it again. I just don’t believe it.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Okay, so he has a bit of an eccentric fetish…. Have you really talked through it with him, in a way that he would feel safe opening up to you? Or was it a discussion right after discovery where he felt put on the spot? Again, I think communication is key here. And maybe you’ve done all that, you really haven’t said much about your relationship…. Do you consider your sex life good with your husband? Has he expressed any interest in cross dressing in the past? Are you concerned that he will want to explore this outside of your marriage if you are not interested in this? Just a few questions where the answers might help you get better advice from the members here. Hang in there.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

"Anal toys" ?? Not sure what they are other than "butt-plugs" which I've looked at and wonder why anyone would want to shove them up their bum. Or, electric vibrators?

The Bra? Maybe he has some personality anomaly - like being inclined to be a cross dresser? 

As so noted already - best to have a blunt and direct discussion on what is going on in his mind regarding his activities to satisfy self interests. 

You might look up "prostate massaging" - might be useful information. I don't have any experience so I can't vouch for why some have the interest but I do read about "stuff couples do" to enjoy their personal alone time together.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He isn’t likely to stop — although he may hide it better — so you’ll have to decide how you feel about that going forward. Some women would be okay and some women wouldn’t but what matters is your thoughts on it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hiswifeof23yrs said:


> He bought them a few months ago & he could wear them. I believe they are his. I get anal play. However he likes dildos he says to hold and look at. And *the women’s stuff is not something I signed on for*. He says he won’t do it again. I just don’t believe it.


You are surprised. You probably feel threatened. How much do you love him? You have been married a long time. Are you afraid of change? Do Do you like making him happy? Are you willing to stretch yourself to make him happy? Is there some way you can role play or do something similar he might like and be more acceptable to you? Why do you feel the way you do about it? Those are questions you might want to ask yourself and discuss with your H of 23 years.

This is a wonderful time for you and your H to have some deep conversations about sex, if you are capable of asking questions in a non-judgemental way. My wife and I were in a sex starved marriage. We got a Sex Therapist to help us discuss the "elephant in the room." One of the things that the Marriage Counselor who was also a board certified sex therapist did was to have us fill out a "yes/no/maybe" list of sexual activities. Each of us independently took the list and made a check mark or Y N M by each activity. Then later you sit down together and respectfully discuss your feelings and WHY you feel the way you do.

The key is to do the discussion respectfully as you are dealing with deep feelings. You really need to be an adult about it. Some people can't handle the embarrassment or fear of what their spouse might think of them if they share their deepest darkest desires. Sometimes, they don't know, if something happened in reality, if they would even like it. Some fantasies are best to never occur in reality. Sometimes they find it mentally stimulating, but don't want it to really happen. It requires you to be brave, non-judgemental and empathetic in discussing such things.

Let me share with you a few examples of how to handle or not handle things. One the "activities" on the list my wife and I shared was "prostate massage." I put a M, my wife put a N. She said, "its your anus are you gay?" (a very judgement response) I said no, I am not gay and never have any such thoughts. However, I am getting older and prostate massage can help with an enlarged prostate and it can in some men create multiple orgasms. I would you like to see what multiple orgasms would feel like. I don't know if I would like it or if it would work for me. At times I also have problems with an enlarged prostate causing me to pee often and it might help. I also told her that the prostate can be massaged on the outside of the body near the perineum. So something you find frightening or disgusting, might be less frightening if discussed or studied. I told her it is not something I would want to do every week or it might do nothing for me, but yes, I would be curious to try it. It is still a hard No for my wife, but at least she understand why I might be willing to try it.

A few years ago, the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing was in the movies and discussed everywhere. When the topic of BDSM was on the list, I put M and my wife put N!!!!!! We discussed it. I reminded her that sometimes she liked it when I held her by the wrists above her head, while we made love. I told her I don't like the idea of her doing anything painful to me, but I also understand that somethings can be both painful and feel good. I have done some long distance running and gotten knots in my muscles. I have gone in for deep tissue massage, actually acupressure massage, and I have rollers to roll the knots out of my muscles. It hurts when I do that, but after the muscles surrender you feel so relaxed and better. I don't like the idea of pain for pains sake, but I understand that some kinds of pain and restraint might not be so bad. As such, I would be willing to explore, some things, she might be willing to do, provided we had safe words and neither of us felt to weird. This provided a good respectful conversation.

The sex therapist that helped save our marriage also had some good advice, I would like to share with you. In her experience if a husband can't trust and share his deepest darkest sexual fantasies and thoughts with his wife, without feeling judged or humiliated, who can he share them with? In the sex therapist's experience, the "who" is often with a prostitute who will not judge him, not embarrass him, but instead figure out if she is willing to do that and how much she will charge him. You might want to think about that before you talk to your husband or think he is perverted.

Finding women's clothing that could fit your husband, .....well that probably is something your should respectfully ask him about. Listen to what he says, don't embarrass him, tell him you are not sure how you feel about it, but you love him and want him to be happy, that you will take some time to learn more about what he says he wants and see if it might be something the two of you could occasionally share together. No promises, but you will research it, think about it and talk more about it. A man's biggest sex organ is between his ear not between his legs. If he has some fantasy you might be able to just discuss it in a role playing situation to the point that he may be satisfied. What is wrong with a little kinky dirty talk?

Again, I would suggest that if you are not brave enough to have such discussions with your husband, find a marriage counselor and ask them to help the two of you discuss a Yes/No/Maybe list and help learn how to talk about sex and sensuality with each other.

Good luck. You have a wonderful opportunity to communicate with your husband of many years, in a way that could make the two of you feel much closer.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hmm...this reminds me of an old joke.

Two buddies are in the locker room in the gym changing. 

One guy notices that his friend is wearing women's bra and panties.
He says to his friend, "Holy cow, Steve, when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

Steve replied, "Ever since my wife found them in the back of my car."


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Hiswifeof23yrs said:


> I found anal toys and some hose and bra in my husbands things. He says they are his. How do I trust or believe that?


I`d say your husband has turned weird and even a little scary.
Appears you have a problem.


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