# Help! I need Kind/Romantic ideas & gestures to do for my Husband



## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

My Husband and I have recently hit a road block in our marriage and I want to show him how much I care about him and am willing to put in the effort and work to better our marriage. 

I have created a "date jar" that we will pick out once a week and complete. My Husband is a hopeless romantic though and appreciates acts of kindness and caring. 

What other things can I do for him (other than cooking him dinner or rubbing his back) to show that I care? 

Thank you in advance! xo


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Perhaps you can plan weekend getaway if at all possible? 

-Watch the sunset together.
-Stargazing.
-Picnic.
-Walk on the beach.
-Dinner at a romantic restaurant.



Just a few...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about a picnic for the two of you? Pack a basket with his favorite finger food and drink (probably non-alcoholic depending on where you go.)

If you live near somewhere to hike, go hiking.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> What's the roadblock; if you can share that information.
> 
> I think the kind of romantic gestures that would work, should be kind of geared to solving the roadblock; whatever it is.


I haven't been myself lately, depressed, angry, negative. He got tired of it and is done. I have been lacking confidence and I am working on bettering myself. We met with a counselor last night and even though he is fed up he seems to be willing to give us a chance. I have joined a gym, eating healthy and being more positive and confident. So now that I have made the changes for myself, I want to make the changes for our marriage. 

I need to show him how much I care and I need to get that romantic spark back in our relationship. I miss being intimate terribly and I know that will take time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another idea....

At home date in your bedroom.

Make snacks, desert, or whatever you like. Have wine. Put on music. 

Get some sex games, there are some for sale on amazon.com for example.

lock the door.

Dance, play games, eat, drink, and just have some romantic fun together. 

Make it really special.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Another idea....
> 
> At home date in your bedroom.
> 
> ...


Thanks EleGirl!! I am not sure he is quite ready for that yet... it may be some time before he feels comfortable being intimate.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Why were you depressed, angry and negative? Why were you lacking confidence?
> 
> You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But you probably want to get at the root of those feelings. Don't use romance as a band-aid for what might be deeper issues. What do you think?


Oh I know exactly why. I was in a really abusive relationship before my husband that really hurt me. My self -esteem has suffered since then. I have recently gained a bit of weight after our wedding (35lbs) and have just fallen into a negative place. I have joined the gym and have already lost 15 lbs, also eating much healthier and being active in other ways. I feel my confidence coming back and so is my positivity. I have been working hard to show my Husband he is important to me just as I am important to myself.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Off your other thread, how often and long does he go away for business? Relationships need that time alone together for both partners to feel loved and secure. 10-20 hours a week of alone time, no electronics, no kids is recommended. 

If he is away too often for too long that may be a big issue. 

If you are able, shoot for 20 hours a week of time. Ideas about what to do would kind of depend on what you both like. Car show? Long walk on the beach? Go cart racing? Sometimes just a drive to somewhere secluded and sitting in the car, talking and listening to music is nice (and cheap) The main point is to have consistent time together. 

And I'd insist on an openness policy as well so he doesn't care if you go through his phone or not. Nothing locked, nothing "private" Effort only works if both people are willing to solve things and if you are willing to do your part, he needs to make some changes too. 

Marriage builders is a great site for building a solid marriage.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Well then, something romantic would probably be working out together, or anything that is physically active. Especially something new, that neither one of you has ever done before.
> 
> Can you write him a letter and tell him you are so grateful to him for standing by you when you were recovering from the pain of the previous relationship? A really nice letter on good paper, tied up with a ribbon... that sort of thing. The kind of letter he would keep for the rest of his life (since you say he is sentimental and romantic).
> 
> And really reassure him that you are OVER the previous guy. I know of what I speak here. You don't want him to think that somewhere, deep inside you, your ex still has the slightest emotional hold over you.


Totally 2nd this idea. I noticed that most of the suggestions in this thread are "do stuff together" suggestions, when it sounds like your husband might be in a place where he actually wants some emotional space. Gifts are a good way to remind someone you love them while also giving them the space they want or need. Maybe set up a little gift basket for him to find when he gets home from work? Something with a card or letter.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Totally 2nd this idea. I noticed that most of the suggestions in this thread are "do stuff together" suggestions, when it sounds like your husband might be in a place where he actually wants some emotional space. Gifts are a good way to remind someone you love them while also giving them the space they want or need. Maybe set up a little gift basket for him to find when he gets home from work? Something with a card or letter.


Well he did just get back from a 9 day work trip and we have not spent much quality time together... I am not sure exactly what he is looking for right now and I am not sure I should ask. I know he is intimately disconnected but I def still want to flirt with him, I need to reignite our flame with out coming on too strong. I need subtle ways!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Space isn't always a good thing in a failing marriage. In order to fall in love again you need alone time together. 

Plus imo he seems a little sketchy with the losing it over thinking she looked through his phone so any chance he is getting emotional or other needs met by someone else is not a good time to give him space.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Space isn't always a good thing in a failing marriage. In order to fall in love again you need alone time together.
> 
> Plus imo he seems a little sketchy with the losing it over thinking she looked through his phone so any chance he is getting emotional or other needs met by someone else is not a good time to give him space.


He didn't want me to see any messages to his friends that he was thinking about leaving or getting a divorce so that is understandable. He isn't cheating and he does love me and we are working on things, and yes I agree... we need to spend more alone time together. 

Like this weekend he is driving up North to see his family and he isn't sure it would be a good idea for me to come and I said I think it would actually be a good idea as we could spend a lot of alone time in the car. He's on the fence, I am hoping he agrees as I am sick of staying home myself and not spending time with him. 

....sigh...we will see.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Put little notes in his backpack or briefcase or pocket now and then that tell him what you like about him; one at a time.

Put little treats in his suitcase when you pack his bag for trips.

Get some pictures blown up of the two of you and put them around the house.

Offer to give him a massage.

Massage his feet while you're on the couch.

Have him lay his head down on your lap on the couch while you watch tv, and massage his head.

Buy him some special food or treat he likes. 

Brag about him on Facebook or to his friends.

Hug him out in public.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Have a read through these and go through them with him. Kind gestures on their own are only 1 portion of things. Meeting all emotional needs, no love busting, radical honesty and openness (no matter what he was trying to hide, no locked phone!), joint agreement, time together weekly... It all has to be consistent and it's not a quick fix, it's a slow build back up love fix

You will be the one needing to lead the way with it but he can't stay on the fence. Either work to fix it or leave. There's no middle ground.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Blow jobs with no expectations of reciprocation 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> Blow jobs with no expectations of reciprocation
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


I wish... he isn't there yet... but I am more than willing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

this is something that i have done and it might be fun for two people together....you each are given $20 and a bag....and each of you go out and pick something that reminds you of the other person, pick several small things....and then when your done you get back together and over the course of a meal you each take out something out of the bag and hand it to the other and you tell them what that object means to you about them...examples are 

a can of silly string...because your love their silliness or how they are ready to have fun....an old key...because they hold the key to your heart...perhaps a saying, written on a piece paper which reminds you of something that touch your heart....a blank journal, which might represent how your life was empty before they came into it...and now you can both start writing your story...a candle could represent the enduring flame of your passion for them. 

it gives both of you a chance to be creative...and unique.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I might suggest to stay away from grand gestures that feel forced. It might give the impression that you're doing it just to get him back, which could feel like manipulation. I know in my relationship, I'm a little turned off if things change right after an argument, because I'm pretty sure it will only last a couple of weeks and then things will go back to the way they were. So I think it might be more beneficial to start with smaller gestures that you are more likely to keep doing.

For example, if you make a grand production and fill the house with balloons, make a cake, special dinner, have wild sex, etc., that could backfire because it's likely just a one-time thing. He'll might think you're doing it just to win him back rather than because you like making a grand romantic production for him.

I think what would be most meaningful for me is if my wife was affectionate in a way that showed her love--and I don't mean in a sexual way. I mean that she hugged me in a way that I sensed it felt good for her. That we cuddled when going to bed and waking up. Those kinds of things. If she sprung sex on in your situation, I would feel dirty that she was using sex to try to manipulate me. If hugging and cuddling naturally leads to sex, that's fine. But if she started jumping my bones out of nowhere, I would think it was just a form of manipulation to get me to stay. So I would say to be more affectionate and open to being more sexual, but let sex happen naturally rather than trying to force it along.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

wilson said:


> I might suggest to stay away from grand gestures that feel forced. It might give the impression that you're doing it just to get him back, which could feel like manipulation. I know in my relationship, I'm a little turned off if things change right after an argument, because I'm pretty sure it will only last a couple of weeks and then things will go back to the way they were. So I think it might be more beneficial to start with smaller gestures that you are more likely to keep doing.
> 
> For example, if you make a grand production and fill the house with balloons, make a cake, special dinner, have wild sex, etc., that could backfire because it's likely just a one-time thing. He'll might think you're doing it just to win him back rather than because you like making a grand romantic production for him.
> 
> I think what would be most meaningful for me is if my wife was affectionate in a way that showed her love--and I don't mean in a sexual way. I mean that she hugged me in a way that I sensed it felt good for her. That we cuddled when going to bed and waking up. Those kinds of things. If she sprung sex on in your situation, I would feel dirty that she was using sex to try to manipulate me. If hugging and cuddling naturally leads to sex, that's fine. But if she started jumping my bones out of nowhere, I would think it was just a form of manipulation to get me to stay. So I would say to be more affectionate and open to being more sexual, but let sex happen naturally rather than trying to force it along.



Thank you, that is def what I have been doing. I say "I will trade you a back rub for some cuddling" and he has been open to that. It's just... I'm a woman and I find him so attractive so it's hard for me not to want to make love to him. Ugh... but I have always been like that. I can't stop thinking about him... naked. 

Is flirting okay? Like grabbing his butt and showing cleavage and winking and sexy smiles and stuff? I have been doing that a lot.. looking him in the eyes and what not. He seems receptive and likes the playfulness... so I'm gonna keep at it cuz it's fun hehe.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> Is flirting okay? Like grabbing his butt and showing cleavage and winking and sexy smiles and stuff? I have been doing that a lot.. looking him in the eyes and what not. He seems receptive and likes the playfulness... so I'm gonna keep at it cuz it's fun hehe.


In my relationship, that would be so uncharacteristic that it would probably feel like a manipulation tactic. How much of that was normal in your relationship? It sounds like it's working well for you. The key would be is if it seems like it's a natural part of your relationship and will continue on even after he comes back. He sounds receptive and your motivations sound genuine--you're doing it because you want him rather than trying to trick him--so I think it's having the right affect.

Did you ever see the movie "Groundhog Day"? In that movie, Bill Murray lived the same day over and over and over. He wanted a specific girl, so each day he would try different tactics to win her over. If something didn't work one day, he tried something different the next day. Eventually he had it all worked out of what steps to try--make a snowman, eat ice cream, etc. (I can't remember the exact steps). But he was just going through the motions because he wanted to win, it felt forced, and she was creeped out. Only when he really opened his heart and followed his emotions did he connect with her and she fell for him. I think that part of the movie really demonstrates the difference between doing romantic gestures to win versus doing them because that's what your heart wants to do. So keep listening to your heart and he'll know you really mean it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I haven't been myself lately, depressed, angry, negative. He got tired of it and is done. I have been lacking confidence and I am working on bettering myself. We met with a counselor last night and even though he is fed up he seems to be willing to give us a chance. I have joined a gym, eating healthy and being more positive and confident. So now that I have made the changes for myself, I want to make the changes for our marriage.
> 
> I need to show him how much I care and I need to get that romantic spark back in our relationship. I miss being intimate terribly and I know that will take time.


Greet him at the door in a raincoat, heels and nothing else.

So I am generalizing here but never stopped me before. As I understand it, romance for women is a way to build intimacy. The thing is for most guys (not all) the primary way to build intimacy is through sex. So if I were you I would do about 50% romance and 50% passionate sex and just being sexy for him. Showing him you want him physically. Now maybe your man is different the others but I think if you ask most guys that is a very good way to get them go bond with you. 

I suspect there will be some blow back on this. So be it. I also suspect there will be the obligatory "not all men are like that" response. So here is where I would like to preemptively point out that I have implied this twice already in this post.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has your husband proven to you that the reason he was accusing you of going through his phone was what he said it was? You do realize that 99.9999999% of guys who accuse their wives of this when they aren't doing it are cheating, right?

It seems pretty needy to me that one day he's freaking you out and demanding a divorce, and the next you're trying to bend over backwards to PLEASE him. Grow a backbone and stop doing this. Stand up for yourself and your rights as a wife. If that drives him away, then it SHOULD have driven him away.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Has your husband proven to you that the reason he was accusing you of going through his phone was what he said it was? You do realize that 99.9999999% of guys who accuse their wives of this when they aren't doing it are cheating, right?
> 
> It seems pretty needy to me that one day he's freaking you out and demanding a divorce, and the next you're trying to bend over backwards to PLEASE him. Grow a backbone and stop doing this. Stand up for yourself and your rights as a wife. If that drives him away, then it SHOULD have driven him away.


It's not that he freaked out on me and demanded a divorce. He was fed up with my negativity and lack of wanting to do anything. He cried in our counsellor meeting and I could tell it wa shard for him to share that he was almost thinking about ending our marriage. Not everyone is a cheater. I know I could never...even when I was in an abusive relationship I could never cheat. He still loves me and just didn't want my feelings to be hurt.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> It's not that he freaked out on me and demanded a divorce. He was fed up with my negativity and lack of wanting to do anything. He cried in our counsellor meeting and I could tell it wa shard for him to share that he was almost thinking about ending our marriage. Not everyone is a cheater. I know I could never...even when I was in an abusive relationship I could never cheat. He still loves me and just didn't want my feelings to be hurt.


Has he shown you the conversations and unlocked his phone??

Just because he has you convinced this was all YOUR fault does not make it all your fault you know. It takes TWO to tango - you aren't in this marriage alone, and he has GOT to share his phone passwords with you. He should WANT to share them with you to ease your anxiety. He knows perfectly well that what he's been up to is unacceptable.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> It's not that he freaked out on me and demanded a divorce. He was fed up with my negativity and lack of wanting to do anything. He cried in our counsellor meeting and I could tell it wa shard for him to share that he was almost thinking about ending our marriage. Not everyone is a cheater. I know I could never...even when I was in an abusive relationship I could never cheat. He still loves me and just didn't want my feelings to be hurt.


Then he should have no problem taking the password off his phone and showing you the conversations. 

Really, you have to know the whole truth there before you can do anything to try to fix it. He could be having an emotional affair, a friend he talks too closely with. He's away on business a lot, there is a lot of time to have a physical affair, especially with his phone hiding and sudden wanting to leave/unsure/on the fence behavior. 

There is no place for secrecy in a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I wish... he isn't there yet... but I am more than willing.


Half the male posters of the board just pulled their hair out. The other half are bald. >


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

And FTR I don't think cheaters are just horrible, selfish, bad people. 

Affairs can sneak up on you if you aren't being proactive in your marriage. 

You are frustrated and lonely, you vent to a friend who is in the same boat. You start talking more, supporting each other, you realize you are getting feelings for them, you're spending more time talking to them than your spouse, your spouse is getting more angry and home isn't your happy place, your friend is. It becomes a drug, the attention and the support and feelings. You start seeing everything positive about your friend and everything negative about your spouse. You get this fantasy in your mind of how happy you'll be when you can be together and leave your spouses. 

It's not like they all just woke up and decided to cheat. Good people can end up doing bad things. This is why transparency, time together, being the one you do recreation activities with, etc is critical. It never starts so it never becomes an affair. 

Your husband may be a great man, he could also have gotten to close to a friend while in marriage troubles with you. You need to know.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Half the male posters of the board just pulled their hair out. The other half are bald. >


LOLOLOL :laugh:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So has he shown you the conversations and unlocked his phone???????????????????


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I haven't been myself lately, depressed, angry, negative. He got tired of it and is done. I have been lacking confidence and I am working on bettering myself. We met with a counselor last night and even though he is fed up he seems to be willing to give us a chance. I have joined a gym, eating healthy and being more positive and confident. So now that I have made the changes for myself, I want to make the changes for our marriage.
> 
> I need to show him how much I care and I need to get that romantic spark back in our relationship. I miss being intimate terribly and I know that will take time.


It looks like you are making all the changes, what is he bringing to the table? Do not tell me he is perfect?


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Then he should have no problem taking the password off his phone and showing you the conversations.
> 
> Really, you have to know the whole truth there before you can do anything to try to fix it. He could be having an emotional affair, a friend he talks too closely with. He's away on business a lot, there is a lot of time to have a physical affair, especially with his phone hiding and sudden wanting to leave/unsure/on the fence behavior.
> 
> There is no place for secrecy in a marriage.


I get it but if you knew him, he is most certainly not that type of person. He has high morals. He has friends that are girls and won't even go to dinner with them as he believes that is a date setting. He will have coffee or lunch and he always keeps his conversations platonic. I trust him in that department. 

I will however tell him there is no need to keep his password secret from me and if I want to see his phone, I will simply ask and he can too as I have nothing to hide myself. I could never ever cheat, no matter what happens.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> It looks like you are making all the changes, what is he bringing to the table? Do not tell me he is perfect?


He is pretty close to it to be honest. Which is why I am working so hard. He is working on his communication skills and his assertiveness. He is learning to be clear with what he wants and what he expects from me. He has always been very passive with me and has always given me what I wanted even if that meant sacrificing his happiness. He is a great Man which is why I married him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Anyone can cheat. 75% of everyone in the coping with infidelity forum thought their spouse could never be that type. 

You have no idea what kinds of conversations he has because he hid them. He's obviously not going to do it in front of you. He's away for 9 weeks at a time, he passworded his phone specifically so you could not see what he was doing. 

The rule should be trust and verify. Not blind trust. 
Do make sure you see his phone and that he hasn't deleted things. You should have access to his phone bill, Facebook page, other social media. 

If he is serious about giving the marriage and you a try, he'll have no problems showing you everything right then when you ask. 

If he won't, you have your answer and you should prepare for being able to be without him.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Oh wow, I'm glad I saw this. If you're good with photoshop or gimp, you could buy some heavy card stock and make him a homemade card with specific details of romantic moments in your relationship and pictures of you two. Decorate it with fancy scrapbooking stickers from a craft store Imagine, a professional-looking card, with something like "Jim, do you remember the time when you took me out to Olive Garden for our anniversary and I was kind of disappointed at the choice of venue but then you surprised me with plane tickets to Italy? That was one of my favorite moments with you. You find a way to make everything magical!"

He'd be so happy, I'm sure. Maybe bake him a cake to go with it, or if you can sing, make a cover of a love song to serenade him with!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> He didn't want me to see any messages to his friends that he was thinking about leaving or getting a divorce so that is understandable. He isn't cheating and he does love me and we are working on things, and yes I agree... we need to spend more alone time together.
> 
> Like this weekend he is driving up North to see his family and he isn't sure it would be a good idea for me to come and I said I think it would actually be a good idea as we could spend a lot of alone time in the car. He's on the fence, I am hoping he agrees as I am sick of staying home myself and not spending time with him.
> 
> ....sigh...we will see.


Sorry Melissa i do not mean to be cynical but here goes.



He is away for many weeks at a time, in that time you were depressed, angry, etc.

Could you explain what triggered you to be depressed, angry, etc.
If I look at this as an outsider, I suspect you and he were very much in love but since his travelling days something has switched in both of you because a marriage cannot survive with long absenses and you became angry and depressed because of this and the neglect you felt but could not put your finger on? Am I on the right path here?

Sometimes we women have a gut feeling or sixth sense that something is not quite right in the relationship, it makes us miserable, makes us depressed even because we sense that our SO is not wholly in the relationship but these is no evidence to quite pin point what is happening, usually it is cheating.

And Melissa, do not believe everything he tells you Either your are niave or very trusting. From the way you write about him, you have him on a pedestal and have taken all the responsibility for your behaviour when in fact he and his work and maybe behaviour has been a contributing factor, do you see where i am going with this?

With his recent behaviour

1. he may actually not want you near his phone because he is contact with someone else, in a marriage there should be no secrets

2. He may well be going off for the weekend with some one else.

Stop taking things at face value and accepting what you are being served up. I say this from years of experience, jaded though it might be, I would hope it has some value.

I think he is being shady and these are red flags, not time to simply swallow what he is saying.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Sorry Melissa i do not mean to be cynical but here goes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He does not travel often for work. When he does it is normally only for a few days. He was only in Las Vegas for a special event that his work sent him on for school, it is not the norm. I was angry and depressed prior to him going anywhere, I was like that for months because I was unhappy with myself and it poured over to our marriage. He got fed up and finally decided he was not happy and something has to change. He did a lot while I was depressed. He cooked, did dishes etc. He also had work and a heavy school load and I did nothing to help and never did nice things for him. He is a sensitive kind Man and I firmly believe he is not cheating on me. 

I will of course ask for the password to his phone now as I agree, there should be no secrets.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I for one am very interested in his reaction when you tell him you want his password. And that you want to see his phone on the spot. DO NOT give him time to delete stuff. If he balks or makes excuses or refuses or gets mad, you need to start thinking that maybe those of us who have been alarming you here are right.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

_*


melissa8585 said:



I get it but if you knew him, he is most certainly not that type of person.

Click to expand...

*_...said just about *every* betrayed spouse before they uncovered the *truth*. :slap:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ...said just about *every* betrayed spouse before they uncovered the *truth*. :slap:


Yup. People - including me - were SHOCKED at what my husband did. He really IS the last guy you would EVER think would do something like that.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Yup. People - including me - were SHOCKED at what my husband did. He really IS the last guy you would EVER think would do something like that.


I brought it up last night, told him I do not like him talking to females about our relationship, He basically told me he is going to do what he wants. He says he feels like he doesn’t have a life and he is trying hard to make this work. Says he was very close to leaving but felt he should give our marriage a try. He is still very closed off and not being very understanding of my feelings and as of right now there is not much I can do about it. 

I am going to bring these things up with the counselor though:

-	Resentment, must be dropped if this is going to work
-	Perception, must be willing to understand my side too
-	Not caring about my feelings, not fair and hurts 
-	It takes 2, cannot blame it all on me, Passiveness and communication 
-	I’m evolving and growing – bringing out my best self. Was always kind, caring and giving, I’m a good person and I care 
deeply about others.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You're going to have to find the balance between 'I will grow and work and put real effort into making this a healthy marriage' and 'No way will I allow you to disrespect me by talking to other women about our relationship and you can do what you want alone if that's how you feel' 

He will use your fear of him leaving to continue with his behavior. Call his bluff. You needing to work on parts of yourself and marriage does not give him free reign to do "what he wants". 

The woman or women he is talking to is at very least boundary crossing, more likely a full out EA or the start of one. Ending it now is your best shot at repairing your marriage. Nothing you do will matter if he has his mind on another woman. He is in a fog of confusion right now and the first step is to get him out of it. 

I'd go full on affair mode right now, assume it is an emotional affair because he is unwilling to stop and/or show you the actual messages sent back and forth. 

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> I brought it up last night, told him I do not like him talking to females about our relationship, He basically told me he is going to do what he wants.


 Well then. Guess you know where you stand - at the BOTTOM of his priority list.



melissa8585 said:


> He says he feels like he doesn’t have a life and he is trying hard to make this work.


 Bull****. He isn't trying to do anything but have his cake and eat it too. He thinks you're just going to meekly say 'ok' and carry on without doing anything about it



melissa8585 said:


> Says he was very close to leaving but felt he should give our marriage a try.


 uh huh, SURE he's giving it a try.



melissa8585 said:


> He is still very closed off and not being very understanding of my feelings and as of right now there is not much I can do about it.


 There darned well IS something you can do about it. Tell him that he can either carry on as he is, or be married to you. NOT BOTH. And divorce him if he carries on.



melissa8585 said:


> I am going to bring these things up with the counselor though:
> 
> -	Resentment, must be dropped if this is going to work
> -	Perception, must be willing to understand my side too
> ...


So you're basically going to tattle on him to your therapist?? What's the point of that? Therapists never tell you to divorce. If they do that, they'd be out of a job.

If you are NOT willing to see a lawyer and draw up D papers and present them to him when he refuses to stop what he's doing, nothing you say or do will matter.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You're going to have to find the balance between 'I will grow and work and put real effort into making this a healthy marriage' and 'No way will I allow you to disrespect me by talking to other women about our relationship and you can do what you want alone if that's how you feel'
> 
> He will use your fear of him leaving to continue with his behavior. Call his bluff. You needing to work on parts of yourself and marriage does not give him free reign to do "what he wants".
> 
> ...


You're right and this is most certainly something I need to bring up while at the counselor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your IC if he/she thinks your H is mentally abusive.


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