# I just don't understand... (long)



## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

New here, but been reading a lot of posts. I need help. My story seems pretty textbook. Married 16 years, 3 kids. About 3 months ago, my husband starts withdrawing from everyone and everything. Angry all the time, a lot of extra time at work, just generally unhappy. Finally discover he's having at affair with a woman at work.

Drama, drama, drama and 6 weeks later, we have decided to separate. Last week wasn't bad because I was at home with the kids and got them into a routine and was taking care of myself. I missed my husband though. I'm in shambles and don't know what to do at this point. While he was gone, I realized that I could get along without him. But I don't want to. I love him. I want him in my life as my husband. I'm so sad for my kids because all they've ever seen is us as a happy family. They've seen affection between us. They've seen us argue and make up. I don't want to expose them to more pain. I want my husband to wake up and accept responsibility. I'm not going to file for divorce because I don't want a divorce. I think he thinks that if I'm the one to file, then the responsibility is mine - I have made that decision for him and he's blameless and a victim. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've offered that he come to my therapy session next week - he said OK, but I know in my heart he will back out. I know I need to focus on me and my kids, and I have been. But I'm sooooo hurt and sooooo sad. What else can I do? How else can I try to work this out?


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you've managed to have a good look through the posts on this site because I think you will get alot of good information. 

Is he still continuing his affair? I think that will be crucial for what steps you take next.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

He claims that he has ended the affair physically. But he works with this woman and sees her every day. He admits that he still has feelings for her that won't just go away over night. To me, that means he's still in the "fog". 

I am staying in a hotel this weekend. Leaving my kids was the hardest thing ever. He texted me today to ask for advice about whether he should let my son's friend spend the night or go out with a friend he'd made plan with. I could even respond. He texted again saying "Never mind. I'll figure it out." 

I guess my questions are these: Should I tell him that I want to fix our marriage and that if he wants a divorce, he needs to be the one to file? Should I just continue with this separation and let him do whatever he needs to do? He claims he has told his boss everything and that he is supportive, but should I expose the affair to others at work to make it uncomfortable for him?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You can't fix the marriage unless the affair has ended.

At this stage you cannot and must not trust him when he says it is over. It is not; there is a pattern he is following. It is time for you to change the course in your favour.

First he sends a no contact letter
Samples below:

Sample No Contact Letters


Next he changes his job – zero option


Lastly he commits to attend councelling sessions with your to rebuild you trust and marriage..

Be firm 

Be strong 

Breath deeply and hold in there girl.. 

We are with you 

Thoughtsare with you


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

First off, you need to get back into the house as soon as possible. If this does reach the point of divorce, he can use it against you, saying you deserted the family. That is the first thing a lawyer will tell you, Never leave the home. 

He is the one at fault, he should be the one to leave if you two need space. If you want to work things out, then you need to be under the same roof to do it.

If he wants a divorce, make him file. Don't make things easy for him.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

If he declines to write a no contact letter, be brave smile, say nothing, no fighting

Phone his HR department and tell them of the affair, name both people. Do not let him know what you are doing, he will find out in due course.

Let his folks and family know

Let your family and friends know 

Do not be alone in this , you need the support. 

Why are you doing this.. It is called *exposure*, you are taking away the lie, the cheating and most importantly you are giving YOU the option of what steps you wish to take going forward

Good point - *go home now*, stay in your house and defend it.. 

Be strong ...


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Does anyone know how most HR depts handle interoffice affairs? I'm just curious of the repercussions...


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Your scenerio is very similar to mine, except my husband filed for divorce when I found out about his EA. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted to work on the marriage but the choice was taken from me. He refused counseling so I go alone to get past this all. I have no choice but to stand strong for me and my kids. 

As someone in the middle of the storm, I am so serious when I say that you need to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Get copies of all your important papers, bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, etc. Start socking away some pin money if you can. It you don't need it, great. But if you do, it will help save you in the long run.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

I agree. I do need to protect myself and prepare for the worst. I just cannot believe I am in this place.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"Does anyone know how most HR depts handle interoffice affairs? I'm just curious of the repercussions... 

They have a dim view of this, especially if you mention in the conversation that you are formally bringing this to their attention and you expect appropriate steps to be taken. They may choose to separate them or place them on suspended leave pending investigation etc...

They are obliged to act or face legal ramifications (I assume you are in North America – slightly different in the UK -but uncomfortable for HR departments)


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Thanks for that info, Wisp. I appreciate all the advice I'm getting here. 

So I'm going home tomorrow and will see him. Should I tell him anything? Should I say that I'm not going to be the one to file? These days away from my home have been the worst. I have realized that leaving was a mistake. He is the one who should be facing consequences, not me. I'm worried about revealing the affair to his HR dept. His workplace is very unconventional and I don't think they'll do anything about it. But maybe if it's brought to light, maybe it will just create a very uncomfortable environment. What about contacting the OW? Is there a benefit to telling her to just leave him alone? Should I find out if her husband knows? So many questions.... ugh.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why did he stray? That really matters and is something you need to address. If it was solely for the excitement, newness that is one thing. But if it was to address a lack of love, passion, desire/sex in your marriage you need to deal with that if you want to fix the marriage. I am not saying what he did is right. I AM saying that there are affairs which really are all about one selfish persons bad behavior. And then there are affairs that have to do with a marriage that was seriously lacking. 




OH-WHY-O? said:


> Thanks for that info, Wisp. I appreciate all the advice I'm getting here.
> 
> So I'm going home tomorrow and will see him. Should I tell him anything? Should I say that I'm not going to be the one to file? These days away from my home have been the worst. I have realized that leaving was a mistake. He is the one who should be facing consequences, not me. I'm worried about revealing the affair to his HR dept. His workplace is very unconventional and I don't think they'll do anything about it. But maybe if it's brought to light, maybe it will just create a very uncomfortable environment. What about contacting the OW? Is there a benefit to telling her to just leave him alone? Should I find out if her husband knows? So many questions.... ugh.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

The reason he strayed was because our sex life wasn't the best. He commutes an hour to work each way. He works 10 hour days. He spends about 15 minutes with the kids each day. I also have a job and take care of everything at home - everything, so he would not have to worry about anything. We did have sex, just not enough. I recognize that. He craves physical affection, while I'm all about quality time and acts of service. I recognize all of these things and want to change. Not just for him, but for me. 

He has claimed that he does not think he can forgive me for the lack of affection since the kids came along. He says I made him feel worthless and unattractive and unloved. I understand that and have truly felt remorse and apologized. But he never told me he was feeling that way. I had no idea until I discovered the affair. 

We also do not know how to effectively communicate with each other. That is something that I also want to change. I really want to work this out. I want my husband back and I want to better our relationship by addressing all the issues that led to his affair. I think if he left his job, we could have a chance. I don't think he wants to give up the money and now I don't think he wants to give up OW. 

I'm just at a loss. I am weak right now because I left this weekend so he could be at home with the kids. I won't do that again. My strength lies in my own home with my children. It's time for him to face consequences of his actions. I need to work on myself and start doing all the things I have neglected doing for me.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your situation. Hang in there. You'll get through this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is important that you realize I am not blaming you. Let me try and help you understand how this works for a "typical" husband. He wants to have a happy marriage. He doesn't like to fight about the lack of sex with his wife because generally that results in two outcomes:
- More tension and bad feeling in the house (hey - he ALREADY feels bad, now you are angry at him also for pressuring you)
- Even LESS sex, or equally bad mercy sex where you make it clear you are doing it because he complained NOT because you find him attractive AND you love him enough to WANT to please him

There is also a sanity check you should do on yourself here. If before marriage you had sex daily, and after marriage - before kids 3-4 times a week, and AFTER kids 2-3 times a month - then it is hard to claim you didn't know that you were seriously depriving him of what he wanted. 

Big difference between knowing it was bothering him and not thinking he would actually DO anything about it, and really, truly not knowing he was unhappy. It is hard for me to understand how you could possibly not know he was unhappy. 

So after a certain amount of rejection, of hearing you are tired or stressed or simply getting very clear body language that you want to be left alone, he somewhat gives up. 

I understand all that - not first person - but from reading thousands of posts on here by sexually starved men. The sad thing is that there really are many cases where the wives could have sat H down and said:

"We need to change our routine. I need you to do this list of stuff in the evening during the week, and this other list on the weekend and if you do that I promise to lock myself in the bedroom with you X nights a week and barring a genuine headache or some other "real" problem, I will honor my marriage vow to LOVE you on those nights." 

My situation was different in that from the start I basically said that I would put 100 percent into the marriage and in exchange I required a good/great sex life. And that the sex life part was simply not optional. With that said I told her I wanted to know what her turn ons/turn offs were inside and outside the bedroom. And she agreed to be painfully honest - (ouch!!!) and she has been - about those things. 

A couple times in anger she has told me she is tired of my needs and both times I offered in all sincerity to stop bothering her with my needs and take a lover. And both times I was not joking. Each of those conversations was resolved by that night, in bed. I guess I am not that tiresome after all. 











OH-WHY-O? said:


> The reason he strayed was because our sex life wasn't the best. He commutes an hour to work each way. He works 10 hour days. He spends about 15 minutes with the kids each day. I also have a job and take care of everything at home - everything, so he would not have to worry about anything. We did have sex, just not enough. I recognize that. He craves physical affection, while I'm all about quality time and acts of service. I recognize all of these things and want to change. Not just for him, but for me.
> 
> He has claimed that he does not think he can forgive me for the lack of affection since the kids came along. He says I made him feel worthless and unattractive and unloved. I understand that and have truly felt remorse and apologized. But he never told me he was feeling that way. I had no idea until I discovered the affair.
> 
> ...


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

MEM11363 - I get what you're saying. I let kids, job, house get in the way of meeting his needs. I was blind to it. I understand the reasons behind the affair. I want to change those things. I know I hurt him in that way and feel genuine remorse and can make those things better. I do not accept responsibility for his actions - he made bad choices. Instead of talking about it with his wife, he chose to take the easy route and have an affair. But is it too late? I am committed to this marriage and fixing the problems that led to the affair. He is not blameless in the problems we had before and he certainly is responsible for the affair and the hurt he has caused me and our family. I just don't know what to do at this point. Just wait and see what he decides to do?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OWO,
I give you high marks for commitment and self awareness. And I think you are looking at this in a very balanced way which must be hard as hell right now. 

Can you sit down with him and have a rational conversation? Meaning - can you both stay calm hard as that might be - to have this talk? 

If so, I think you need to say to him what you wrote below. And I believe you can hammer hard on one point. If he was really this upset it was his responsibility to escalate in a way that would get your attention:
- Demand MC or
- Threaten a separation or divorce or
- Flat out tell you he was going to have an affair 

Trust is important in a marriage. He needs to believe he can trust you to treat him and his needs with respect and you need to know you can trust him. That will take time but it is worth doing. 

Most likely he is going to try to put this all on you. Don't let him. You are compartmentalizing perfectly. You are responsible for your contribution to this situation. And he needs to step up and take responsibility for what he did. 

If you have a daughter ask him this. Would he want a future son in law to handle this situation as he did or would he want that guy to step up - escalate and really try to fix it. 

I truly wish you good luck and hope that he realizes he should try to make this work with you. 



OH-WHY-O? said:


> MEM11363 - I get what you're saying. I let kids, job, house get in the way of meeting his needs. I was blind to it. I understand the reasons behind the affair. I want to change those things. I know I hurt him in that way and feel genuine remorse and can make those things better. I do not accept responsibility for his actions - he made bad choices. Instead of talking about it with his wife, he chose to take the easy route and have an affair. But is it too late? I am committed to this marriage and fixing the problems that led to the affair. He is not blameless in the problems we had before and he certainly is responsible for the affair and the hurt he has caused me and our family. I just don't know what to do at this point. Just wait and see what he decides to do?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

OH-WHY-O?

To answer your questions..

So I'm going home tomorrow and will see him. Should I tell him anything? -- NO


Should I say that I'm not going to be the one to file? – Yes let him do the filing

These days away from my home have been the worst. I have realized that leaving was a mistake. – Happens you did not know at the time, when you are back home post and if there are issues we will help you through them


He is the one who should be facing consequences, not me. – His turn is coming believe this 

I'm worried about revealing the affair to his HR dept. His workplace is very unconventional and I don't think they'll do anything about it. But maybe if it's brought to light, maybe it will just create a very uncomfortable environment. ---Do it , if you need a script use the one I posted in this thread, adapt it to your details.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ng-my-soul-out-trusting-her-5.html#post171586


What about contacting the OW? ----OW’s husband is better. If you have the stomach, Yes, but you must be very clear what you will say, it is a one way conversation. 

Is there a benefit to telling her to just leave him alone? ---- NO, this is an EA she will laugh at you

Should I find out if her husband knows? ----just call him an let him know


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Wisp said:


> If he declines to write a no contact letter, be brave smile, say nothing, no fighting
> 
> Phone his HR department and tell them of the affair, name both people. Do not let him know what you are doing, he will find out in due course.
> 
> ...


Stupid advice especially in this economy!! Someone's wife tried that at my employer!! Because she was "pissed" about a affair and was "going to get him" and called corporate. 

Her husband lost his job!! Now they are reconcilling and he can't find a job make even 60% of what he made before.......calling HR is ignorant!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Stupid advice especially in this economy!! Someone's wife tried that at my employer!! Because she was "pissed" about a affair and was "going to get him" and called corporate. 


And your great words of wisdom are...WHAT 

*******

The lady will make her own decision with or without my input.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Wisp said:


> Stupid advice especially in this economy!! Someone's wife tried that at my employer!! Because she was "pissed" about a affair and was "going to get him" and called corporate.
> 
> 
> And your great words of wisdom are...WHAT
> ...


Why would you try to get your spouse fired from a job? In this day and age that is what can happen especially larger companies. That logic floors me everytime it is given and if he is the bread winner even more so. 

You've given it all EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, which doesn't deal with the root problem, but will hopefully get the marriage to a place that the "problems" can be worked on.

We won't get into exposing either because it really needs to be in small steps like Affaircare recommends.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

OH-WHY-O?

Links below

Articles

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

I used the word expose they use disclose.

Key message is to Stop the affair and then rebuild the marriage

If he has stopped the affair and writes a no contact letter you can move on but most do not want to write the no contact and the pain continues they rarely have stopped the affair. The NC letter was stated in my first post on this thread. 

The leave the job is a supported opinion by key advisers on this site. It enforces the no contact. How do have no contact in the same work place, rather difficult I think. 

Please do look after yourself, the choices are hard, we will continue to support you, if in doubt post.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Wisp said:


> OH-WHY-O?
> 
> Links below
> 
> ...


I agree wholeheartedly to leave the job if it's feasible. I will say that I don't believe all affairs are the same nor should they all be dealt with the same. Sort of a axe vs scalpel approach imo.

Again to contact a employer is silly and unless the op is willing to take the risk of a unemployed husband that choice is not wise. 

I don't know what unemployment is in the UK or what unemployment benefits are. In the US they often suck and with double digit unemployment good luck getting another job as currently there are 5 applicants for every 1 job opening.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Thanks for all the advice. I am home now. Of course he wanted to talk as soon as I walked in the door. I told him that my leaving for the weekend was a mistake - one that I will not make again. He will need to make arrangements to see the boys on his own time, in his own way. He asked if this was going to get ugly. I said it already is ugly. I told him my bottom line is that I am committed to this marriage. He needs to make his own decisions and in the meantime, I am working on myself and the kids. I may change during this process and he will have to deal with that. He told me I looked pretty today and looked like I've lost a lot of weight. He hugged and kissed me. I cried b/c I want him back so badly (but did not tell him that). 

I'm torn on letting his employer know about the affair. Still need to think on that. Undoubtedly, he needs to leave the job. If he can't come to that conclusion on his own, then I believe his decision is made and this marriage will end. But I want him to take responsibility for that. Does that make sense? I want him to admit to himself (and everyone else) that money and this OW are more important than his family. That will be the reason for divorce - his reasons, his choices. He is still living in fantasy land. 

As for OW - I'm not sure what the status of her marriage is right now (separated, divorcing, etc...). I also don't know how to track down her husband to tell him. Any ideas?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Undoubtedly, he needs to leave the job. If he can't come to that conclusion on his own, then I believe his decision is made and this marriage will end. But I want him to take responsibility for that. Does that make sense? -- *YES*

I also don't know how to track down her husband to tell him. Any ideas? - unless there is a way of associating her mobile number with her name and then to her home number or address the only option i can offer is to hire a PI to obtain the info for you.

I assume by this he is still in contact with her and the affair has not ended


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Have you explained to him the concept of the no contact letter and the need to leave his job, perhaps he is not on the same page as you..


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Your story is very similar to mine. And you analysis and responces have been very much like mine. However, my wife is not denying the affair, she continues it with determination. 
Your husband says the physical part is over and he is showing affection to you. So you are in a pretty good place. You don't want a divorce so don't even speak of it. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable. But what are your choices? If you will not divorce and you want to improve your relationship you can pay attention to the things that offend him, those love busters. Go to marriagebuilders.com or affaircare and check them out. 
By the way you have posted it would appear you have been doing your reading. At marriagebuilders you can review some of the Harley materials. If you don't have His Needs, Her Needs yet I would suppest you get it.
The philosphy there and on this site is based on recovering the love in the relationship rather than solving those troublesome relationship/household problems. Also accepted as a basic principle is that the marriage cannot recoer until the affair is over. So that is why there is all this discussion about exposure and no contact. It really has to be over to start moving forward.
To see ho the otherside thinks, even in the best of times, checkout flowergirl77's posts. She is awayward spouse trying hard to move forward.
So if the affair is over and the love busters have stopped, you can start love banking. Now you identify his MOST important needs and start meeting them. We also talk of Plan A a lot here. I am hoping you are near the recovery stage and don't need it, but you might review it at marriagebuilders or affaircare.
You must rebuild your confidence. All of us take an incredible instantaneously blow to our confidnce. No begging, pleading or grovelling. No convincing or arguing. Validate the issues that are reasonable. There is affair fog and it will last for weeks or months during withdrawal/recovery. You are going to have to be strong to make it work.Do not be pushy or clingy.
This is just an outline. Affaircare, et al, will likely post on Monday after checking out your post. Any questions you have please post anytime. If you are anxious, just get on here and vent. It will help.
I will repeat that I believe you are in a good place.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

When I found out about the affair on June 17, I made him text her and tell her it was over. I watched him do this. However, he still saw her at work every day, so don't know what transpired there. He did tell me that he still had feelings for her and that they would not go away over night. He also told this to our friends who know about the situation. However, I found out that he took her to a movie last weekend while he was staying at a friends and he lied to me about it when I called him on it. He claims he needed closure and told her again that it was over. I don't believe that for a second. Even though he says the physical part of the affair is over, he is still in the thralls of an EA. 

What I think he needs is for someone - friend, family member, boss - to burst that little bubble for him. Someone needs to smack him and say "hey, you're a bleeping idiot!! Wake up!!" He hasn't really faced any consequences for his actions - he still has his job (therefore he still has OW), he still has his friends, he still has his kids, etc... he's still leading this double life, and aside from not sleeping at home, it ain't that bad. 

But if I'm the one to start withholding his kids and not allowing him to come here, then won't he just get angry with me and make me the bad guy? His family will support him - they don't agree with him, but they will support him. His friends are supporting him by allowing him to stay at their houses. My mind is reeling - I just know that I feel better when I'm at home with my kids. I am stronger here. I can go on with my life here. This whole thing just sucks.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Read your last post:

However, *I found out that he took her to a movie last weekend *while he was staying at a friends and he lied to me about it when I called him on it.

The affair is still on have no doubt; he is lying to you about closure. He knows it, you know it, she knows it. 

Burst his bubble, the steps are to let her husband know and 
let the HR team know, you want your marriage. Save it by splitting them up.

Her husband will find out quickly when she has no job or is suspended.

Others have hesitated and failed do not be one of them


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Suggest you lay out the steps in order so you have them. Look at all the posts I made to you plus some of the reference threads. 

You cannot carry on like this for your own well being.. 

The affair must end before you rebuild the marriage or make the decision to rebuild or divorce

So as the affair is ongoing and will be for a while, dig in. Secure your life, get legal advice , you seem to have done a lot already. Be on the upper hand, protect your family and yourself. 

Expose them, 

after this if he does not come round we will work with you on Plan A and Plan B


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't withhold the kids. That is bad for everyone. My only arguments with my wife since she left have been abot my son and his contact with OM and his kids. I insist, and so does my son, that the OM is not a person of good character and has done bad things not only to me but to my son. I am totally against any contact with OM. How old are your kids? Do they know what dad is doing?If there is a possibility for contact with OW you might want to address it with H and the kids.
One of the motivatons to expose is so that you can get the truth out before H tells his lies. You, like myself, accepted responsibility for your shortcomings. H shouldn't have done what he did in any case. You want to take the high road and you don't want to get thrown under the bus. If things go as expected, you will find plenty of moral support if you are the first to explain the situation. However, it is very unlikely anyone will step up. I did have a couple of very supportive mutual friends who tried to talk to my W, but she avoided them completely. I was then accused by W of taking all our friends for myself. Affair fog.
You have plenty to think about. The affair continues. The sooner it ends the sooner recovery can begin.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

View this thread as a prime example why you cannot trust a person in an affair. See the pain here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ng-my-soul-out-trusting-her-5.html#post171601


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is much harder to get a job when you are not employed. It is a bad idea to risk getting him fired. Far better to insist he find another job. You could threaten to go to HR but if you get him fired and he has trouble getting another job you may end up hurting your kids. 

Do the exposure - but leave the employer part for the very very last ditch piece and only do it if you think it really will work. Married or apart HIS income is also YOUR income. 





OH-WHY-O? said:


> When I found out about the affair on June 17, I made him text her and tell her it was over. I watched him do this. However, he still saw her at work every day, so don't know what transpired there. He did tell me that he still had feelings for her and that they would not go away over night. He also told this to our friends who know about the situation. However, I found out that he took her to a movie last weekend while he was staying at a friends and he lied to me about it when I called him on it. He claims he needed closure and told her again that it was over. I don't believe that for a second. Even though he says the physical part of the affair is over, he is still in the thralls of an EA.
> 
> What I think he needs is for someone - friend, family member, boss - to burst that little bubble for him. Someone needs to smack him and say "hey, you're a bleeping idiot!! Wake up!!" He hasn't really faced any consequences for his actions - he still has his job (therefore he still has OW), he still has his friends, he still has his kids, etc... he's still leading this double life, and aside from not sleeping at home, it ain't that bad.
> 
> But if I'm the one to start withholding his kids and not allowing him to come here, then won't he just get angry with me and make me the bad guy? His family will support him - they don't agree with him, but they will support him. His friends are supporting him by allowing him to stay at their houses. My mind is reeling - I just know that I feel better when I'm at home with my kids. I am stronger here. I can go on with my life here. This whole thing just sucks.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes, look into what the problems of your marriage were before all this, but keep in mind that people who cheat will always find the negative in everything you do or say to justify their actions. You can't take that personnally. 

My husband keeps bringing up things that happened 17 years ago. And he keeps saying the reason he won't work on the marriage is that he knows that I can't change. I told him if order for our marriage to be saved, we BOTH have to make changes. He has also lied to me and his parents about the extent of his relationship with the OW.

It is funny, because I wrote a 5 page letter to him telling him how and why I felt about this whole thing. Then asked for space and to only be spoken to when necessary (he is still in the home and tension is high). Since then, he has done a turn-a-round and is being really nice to me and wants to talk about this and that. Sometimes it seems like old times when we are all together as a family. Don't know what it means but I am doing my best to nice to him as well and leaving the negative out of it all. 

I also wrote a 5 page letter to his mother with copies of the phone records. I knew he didn't tell her the extent of that or the things he did to me and the boys. He was on the scype with her for 2.5 hours the day she received it. When I asked what she had to say about it, he said he didn't want to talk about it. 

His parents are supporting him 100%. They are actually more worried about how much money he is going to have to pay out for joint child support verses the sole custody he was seeking in his divorce papers. His parents are funding the divorce for him. My son was up with him at his parents last weekend and heard all this. I know it really bothered him because he said he didn't want to go up there anymore. H tried to butter my son up by takinghim to the movies and spending time with him, but son said he knows what the deal is. It is sad that H is ruining his relationship with his kids with his actions. 

As far as going to HR to tell them about the affair. You better have proof or they may not do anything about it. 

I found out who the OW was by doing a reverse phone look up. It was about $10 to do it but worth it. It gave me her first and last name, address, and city.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

4mockingbird - did you contact OW? I found OW's husband online and am considering emailing him to reveal the affair, assuming he doesn't already know. It makes me sick to think I'm stooping to such lows.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

THAT is entirely fair. Disclosing to the other victim is totally legit. Just recognize that it is "possible" HE will end up going to HR. If he is the primary breadwinner he may not care if SHE gets fired. But if SHE gets fired, your H will get fired. 




OH-WHY-O? said:


> 4mockingbird - did you contact OW? I found OW's husband online and am considering emailing him to reveal the affair, assuming he doesn't already know. It makes me sick to think I'm stooping to such lows.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Contact the OM's husband.

There are two many what if's here.

The single primary focus it to save your marriage.
If he does not write the NO Contact letter why wait.. Do it now. 


The affair partners know exactly what the risk is and they just do not care and will continue so long as you sit back and worry about the value of them loosing their jobs. 

Tough in today's climate - choice is money or marriage


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Oh-why-O,

I contacted the OW as soon as I found out. When I saw that number on the phone records I called it. The first time I hung up when it went to voicemail and I heard it was a females voice (in shock). I called directly back and again went to VM but I got her first name. I called back a few minutes later and she answered the phone thinking it was H because our numbers are the same except for the last digit. She answered so very sweetly, so I asked her "What are you doing with my husband" and her response was silence and then she hung up on me. 

I did the reverse phone lookup on the advice of the first lawyer I was speaking too. He advised me to find out who her husband was and to tell him so he could stop things on that end. I never really could find his name but I did find her adult son on Facebook through another friend on H's FB page. I really think it was the OW using a different name because when I confronted H on it, he removed her as a friend and her picture changed (was a glamour magazine cover made/we have that program). 

The OW's sons status said "I can see the separation growing between my mom and dad, and I hate it...I hate being home." I sent him a message telling him I knew why that was, his mom was having an affair with my husband and to please pass on my information to his dad. I also let him know that his dad needed to be careful because I was served with divorce papers and he probably will be too." I wasn't too proud after doing that, but I had to out her some how to her family. He was over the age of 21. 

I know the son confronted the OW because she mentioned it in court. Believe it or not, she filed a protective order against me the same day H filed for the divorce. I had to go 150 miles and pay $750 to fight it. She lied through her teeth on the report and in court saying I kept calling her and leaving threatening messages, but she couldn't prove anything. I had copies of my phone records showing the 3 calls I made the day I found out and no more. I also had all the records between her and H. The judge dismissed it when he found out she was married, I was married, and the person in between was H.

I think she may have broken things off with H. H loves to write poems and I found some evidence that he might have wrote one to her. One line had "I love you, I need you." and the last line said something along the lines of "(You?) never would have gone away." 

Now I am wondering if that is the reason for his sudden turn-a-round. He was extraordinarally nice to me this weekend, doing things for me, offereing me things, and laughing and joking with me. I will play along with it (to keep the tension down) and see where it goes, but I can't move forward if there is no trust, and I don't trust H at all at the moment.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

mockingbird:

You have done extraordinarily well considering you only came to the site after you had completed almost all the actions we would have recommended

I despair when the affected partner gets the advice, procrastinates, looses the edge and ends up suffering because they choose not to follow the route we propose due to their unshaken belief that their spouse would not lie, cheat or do these kind of things to their marriage.

Hats off to you.. 

Lets see if your H changes.


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## jakeflop (Aug 2, 2010)

Ladies, I have a question. I've never cheated on my wife, but about 80% of the men I know in a relationship have. Those people have cheated at least once, and 70% have been with multiple partners. 

My question is that if you have caught them, do you think that it was really that one time? I mean, the only problem I have with my marriage is like most guys, I want more ass. I love my wife, and I do anything I can for her, but she just isn't that sexual. I deal with it and take what I get and like it, but if the time came in 5-10 years or so when I just couldn't take it anymore, I think that it would be with more than one partner. I just can't see myself getting some satisfaction a couple of times from just one girl, and then going back to my wife with the intention of never cheating again. I feel that intimacy has to be a common union. Undoubtedly, other men on the site will agree with me when I say that sex with a girl who isn't really into it sucks more than simply whacking it, and it takes 3 times as long to boot. I find it fascinating, that a common consensus from women is that if the dude cheats on her, she is going to go to some counselling sessions and then she is going to be living life like they do on The Hills. It just seems ludicrous to me.

I have to feel that if a man cheated on a woman, he pretty much has said that he gave up on sex with that woman and wants to have sex with someone different, or more of it than the woman was willing to do with him.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

jakeflop,

In my situation, our marriage was "normal" until he hooked up with the OW. It was only an emotional affair, not physical. He started to withdrawal totally from the marriage and began to sneak around which became pretty obvious after a few weeks and after he took his wedding ring off. So yes, I believe this is the first time, especially since he wants a quick divorce (he says he wouldn't be physical with anyone if still married) so he can be free to have his sex. 

As for wanting more sex, maybe if you tried doing more for your wife, she would want to have more sex with you. As a female, I know it is hard to be intimate after a hard day with the kids and/or work. Giving is a two way street. And I dont' mean just providing a roof over her head and food on the table. 

I know I was always puddy in H's hands when he would come up and start massaging my neck or sitting next to each other with him stroking my hand. Men never realize how sexy it is for a woman when a man offers to do the dishes or cook. It's the simple things that always get reciprocated. 

You are already thinking ahead about getting the sex elsewhere. Have you even spoke to your wife about your feelings? How about trying to work on the problem before it gets to the point of no return like most of our stories here. I wish I had been given the chance. I think H was a coward and selfish on how he handled our whole situation. When I ask him why he never told me he was so unhappy, all I get is a shoulder shrug. Poor excuse if you ask me. 

In my case, it wasn't about sex, it was getting the emotional high from the OW. H even asked me if we could be "friends with benefits" on the day I got served with divorce papers and kicked him out of my bedroom.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Thanks wisp for the kind words. I had to take control and be strong for myself and my kids. I wasn't going to let him try to take it all away from us. He already took the marriage, but I wasn't going to let him take my kids, my home, and everything else. We did nothing wrong.

Getting into counseling from the start really has helped me move forward.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

OK - so what do you make of this? Husband picks the kids up from grandmas while I go to work out. When he brings them home, he comes in for a few minutes. I'm in a good mood, talk to the kids a bit, acknowledge that here's there, was friendly. He goes to get some extra clothes b/c he's staying with a friend. I settle in to get some work done. He comes back in, stands there for a few minutes, mumbles "OK, bye" - the kids mumble "bye", I say "bye" with a smile, and he leaves.

2 seconds later, he emails me and says "Would you rather I didn't come in the house?". I respond "Why?" and he replies "I don't know. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable." I reply "I wasn't uncomfortable". And he says "ok". 

Opinions?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

He is feeling the consequences.

Carry on you as you are. Your are on the right course, he is now starting to feel the repercussions..

There has been some dialog on the threads regarding contacting the HR department and her husband. 

The clinical answer to both is yes you should do this.

You have the OW husbands contact details, at the minimum let him know about the affair then wait a while. If he reacts and his wife has to leave her job so be it. 

If you choose to follow a safer financial route regarding your husband and his job, set the boundary that he finds a new job by XXX time. If he wishes to save the marriage he should do this willingly if he does not the affair is ongoing.

Follow the steps, think with your head not your heart.. 

Best wishes ….


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

jakeflop said:


> Ladies, I have a question. I've never cheated on my wife, but about 80% of the men I know in a relationship have. Those people have cheated at least once, and 70% have been with multiple partners.
> 
> My question is that if you have caught them, do you think that it was really that one time? I mean, the only problem I have with my marriage is like most guys, I want more ass. I love my wife, and I do anything I can for her, but she just isn't that sexual. I deal with it and take what I get and like it, but if the time came in 5-10 years or so when I just couldn't take it anymore, I think that it would be with more than one partner. I just can't see myself getting some satisfaction a couple of times from just one girl, and then going back to my wife with the intention of never cheating again. I feel that intimacy has to be a common union. Undoubtedly, other men on the site will agree with me when I say that sex with a girl who isn't really into it sucks more than simply whacking it, and it takes 3 times as long to boot. I find it fascinating, that a common consensus from women is that if the dude cheats on her, she is going to go to some counselling sessions and then she is going to be living life like they do on The Hills. It just seems ludicrous to me.
> 
> I have to feel that if a man cheated on a woman, he pretty much has said that he gave up on sex with that woman and wants to have sex with someone different, or more of it than the woman was willing to do with him.


I'm in my mid thirties and most guys that I know cheat for a change of pace aka "variety" nothing but one stands. Most of the women I know that had affairs had real "I'm gonna leave your ass affairs for this other guy".

Guys crave variety and crave the physical........all I can say is keep working on it with your wife. My wife and I have been "hitting it" for over 15 years and it's better now than EVER! Communication, variety, imagination, selfless........see ya.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

I am considering initiating Plan A, but how do I do this when I'm still dealing with so much pain, anger, grief?


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

It is not easy, but remember two things:

1) The pain WILL lessen over time. I promise.
2) The hurt will never go away completely. 

There will eventually be days (after these first few intense emotional weeks are over) when you feel "on your game" and days when you feel like crap. Just know that is normal. Each week you will get stronger, have more perspective, and quite possibly you'll hit a time when you wonder _if they deserve you_. The more composed you are now, the better. Most of us on this board made major mistakes after first finding out about our spouses' affairs. 

Plan A feels like you are totally sucking it up - to some extent you are. But, you are working on being a better person/partner and those things are great tools no matter what the future brings. You will gain a confidence that is attractive. Basically, make yourself his best option. It won't happen overnight, but some changes actually can be seen fairly quickly.

I highly recommend these books:

1) Surviving an Affair (Harley)
2) His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)
3) happily ever after - a daily devotional (Kristen Armstrong - Lance Armstrong's ex) While this Christian-based book is intended for those going through a divorce (I was certain that was going to be me), it is also a nice way to start or end your day when going through this period of uncertainty.

I still hurt, but everything looks as though my H will probably move home soon after nearly one year of separation and a 2 1/2month affair in the middle of the separation. You are in my thoughts - hang in there!


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and advice. Today has been an especially crappy day, while yesterday was great. I've been exercising and that helps. 

Next week, Plan A begins. We have a vacation planned with friends that we just cannot cancel. So I'm prepared to be super-awesome girl, irresistable, loving, fun, etc... It also happens to be my husband's 40th birthday. So is sex a bad idea during Plan A? 

Also, if Plan A should work, and he recommits to our marriage, do we ever deal with my feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Also, if Plan A should work, and he recommits to our marriage, do we ever deal with my feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc?


Yes. If Plan A works, you will have a marriage that is beneficial to both of you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes - sex is a good thing - AND at the end of the vacation you tell him that if he goes back to his GF you are going to see a lawyer - that he needs to focus on YOU and the marriage if he wants to fix things.

Eventually he WILL feel bad and will be open to talking about you and your feelings.




OH-WHY-O? said:


> Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and advice. Today has been an especially crappy day, while yesterday was great. I've been exercising and that helps.
> 
> Next week, Plan A begins. We have a vacation planned with friends that we just cannot cancel. So I'm prepared to be super-awesome girl, irresistable, loving, fun, etc... It also happens to be my husband's 40th birthday. So is sex a bad idea during Plan A?
> 
> Also, if Plan A should work, and he recommits to our marriage, do we ever deal with my feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

So sex is okay during plan A? 

Today H spent his day texting me and we talked about some of the problems in our marriage, including the bedroom. I think he wants to be intimate again. He gave me a hug after we talked and he more or less apologized for the pain he has caused, not that he had the EA. And has given subtle hints at it.

So is it wrong? People on the going through a divorce thread said I shouldn't even think about it.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I lost the sex is OK part... Why? Has he been checked out for STD's, did he use a condom. Has he written a no contact letter to OW that you saw , did he offer to move jobs.. etc.. 

I guess it’s your choice and yes intimacy bonds you to your husband but what is the message to him. It looks like a lot of carrot for him..where is the stick.

The way he reads the message is:- Hey I had a PA, did not complete all the break the affair tasks to start earning my wife’s trust and I still get to make love to my wife. Cool.

I am not against kissing, holding, hugging but sex, I would draw the line and say it is to soon.

I leave it to those wiser than I to give some guidance…


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

At first I was thinking that the sex thing would be okay. It is one of his needs and he is interested. Maybe make it more like a dating situation and work up to it. Make HIM work for it. He can still have an orgasm but with out the vaginal sex. And he has to meet a need of yours. Likely that is an emotinal one. Talking in the bedroom. Messaging your feet. Staying in bed and snuggling after you are intimate. What else might be important to you in the bedroom?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I talked (we texted because he was in his room in the garage and I was in the house) with H until late in the night. He told me he wasn't going to ask for it (sex) but he wouldn't turn it down. 

Wisp, I hear what your saying. Make him earn it. But isn't that against all the other stuff about making those love deposits. I don't think that my H is different than any other man where sex is at the forefront of their mind most of the time.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Love deposits need to be made by both, if he has not broken off the affair or there is a suspicion as is in this case that he is still seeing the OW why give him the option of having sex with two women. 

Extract below.

“However, I found out that he took her to a movie last weekend while he was staying at a friends and he lied to me about it when I called him on it.”

If he were truly remorseful he would not be doing this – so here is my suggestion.

It’s his 40’th – great, dress well, flirt, feel good, kiss him if you want to, but if he initiates sex let him know your not ready yet. Tell him he needs to demonstrate by his actions, words and deeds that he is committed to you and you are not just a quickie for his pleasure. Full disclosure, plus all the items you need to that ensure the affair is over. It is his turn to make the love deposit, you are already love depositing by being with him over the weekend and standing next to him as his wife, in spite of all he has done to you. 

4mokingbird: In your case the H has engaged a lawyer and done many other things that absolutely demonstrate his intentions.

So no, nee , niet, in as many languages as you can think of.

Find another way to love deposit, keep the intimacy for when he has committed to you and you are ready


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Makes sense. Thanks Wisp. I keep getting mixed signals with more going towards he is not ready to go through with the divorce. Yesterday he came and hugged me after we talked and today he made it a point to touch my shoulders when he walked by. He is still talking about everything under the sun. We are talking more now than we did before all this happened and talked about some our problems yesterday. He wants to know how counseling is going for me.

When I mentioned some things that need to be done before the divorce becomes final, he gets quiet and doesn't address them. I thought he would be rushing to get things done since he wants this divorce so bad. 

And like I mentioned in another post, I think the OW broke it off with him.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Wisp, I hear what your saying. Make him earn it. But isn't that against all the other stuff about making those love deposits. I don't think that my H is different than any other man where sex is at the forefront of their mind most of the time.


In a Plan A the idea is not to make him earn anything - that kind of defeats the purpose of the plan - BUT - - - if your husband is still having sex with someone else, or you are not sure if the affair has ended yet (there has been no effort to end contact, etc.) then there is certainly a reason to avoid sex: the risk of disease. It is a boundary you place around yourself: do not have sex (at least unprotected) with someone that is sexually active - that is a basic, sound reason for anyone. 

Another BUT: But witholding sex from your partner in order to control their behavior is....NOT a love kindler. It is a major Love Extinguisher (Love Buster.) The point of a Plan A (The Carrot & Stick) is to end ALL love extinguishers (as far as you are able) and to make every effort to kindle love in your spouse - to do everything you can to awaken their desire for you. 

At the same time, you leave your spouse open to feel the consequences of their actions: perhaps only have sex under very specific conditions (protection, etc.) Remind them that the reason is because otherwise they would be putting you in danger of a nasty disease because of their choice.

Plan A is not easy - hence the reason it is _temporary_. You will be doing things that irritate you, hurt you, and make you feel foolish. But those are all emotions, things that you can get over. A disease is not. That is a physical consequence, and something that you should avoid. In the end, how far you go is up to you - but keep in mind the fact that your goal is no Love Busters - not fewer.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

4mokingbird: Good things happen to those that wait.. so wait, your boundaries are set, he knows this.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I am home now. Of course he wanted to talk as soon as I walked in the door. I told him that my leaving for the weekend was a mistake - one that I will not make again. He will need to make arrangements to see the boys on his own time, in his own way. He asked if this was going to get ugly. I said it already is ugly. I told him my bottom line is that I am committed to this marriage. He needs to make his own decisions and in the meantime, I am working on myself and the kids. I may change during this process and he will have to deal with that. He told me I looked pretty today and looked like I've lost a lot of weight. He hugged and kissed me. I cried b/c I want him back so badly (but did not tell him that).
> 
> I'm torn on letting his employer know about the affair. Still need to think on that. Undoubtedly, he needs to leave the job. If he can't come to that conclusion on his own, then I believe his decision is made and this marriage will end. But I want him to take responsibility for that. Does that make sense? I want him to admit to himself (and everyone else) that money and this OW are more important than his family. That will be the reason for divorce - his reasons, his choices. He is still living in fantasy land.
> 
> As for OW - I'm not sure what the status of her marriage is right now (separated, divorcing, etc...). I also don't know how to track down her husband to tell him. Any ideas?


Just my opinion but Id have to agree with Ogeesh, contacting the HR dept is a really bad idea especially if reconcillation is your goal. Most men would absolutely hate you for doing that, at the very least it would go on his work record and could hinder his career, at worst he could lose his job and that could make it very difficult to get a new job as most employers will steer clear of anything that could cause a sexual harassment case. Many employers would think if he has had an office affair he might try to hit on a woman and cause a sexual harrassment case. Its your choice, I think him trying to get a job elsewhere would be a better option.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what happened?


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Not much has happened. I am not very good at this. I suck at Plan A b/c I cry all the time. I suck at confrontation so I haven't made a call to HR. I want to be the bigger person. I want to stay true to myself. I understand these steps are necessary to end the affair. I'm just not strong enough.

Our little vacation was nice - no relationship talk whatsoever. We enjoyed the time with our friends and spent every day on the water and zip-lining and whitewater rafting. He kept bringing up little tidbits from the past "remember this, remember when we did that", etc... Of course when we got home, he walked out the door. 

On Tuesday, I told him he might want to consider finding a more permanent place to stay. He's been staying on a friend's floor and in another friend's basement. The real reason I want him to find a permanent place is because it's too hard to watch him leave every time he comes over. I have got to break my emotional dependency on him.

My therapist keeps telling me to reach forgiveness. I understand the reasons behind the affair. I empathize with what he's going through. But he's giving me NOTHING to work with here. There is no committment to work things out. I don't trust him. I am so angry with him. I'm so conflicted. He is not the person I married. He's not the person he was a year ago. He is not a good role-model for my boys - he's teaching them that money can buy everything, that walking away from your responsibilities is OK, that cheating is acceptable (although they don't know that part). He is disrespectful. He is arrogant. He is a liar. So why am I hanging on? Everyone keeps telling me to hold on. Everyone says to wait before making the divorce decision. Everyone says I can't make a decision until the emotions have subsided. Everyone says people can change.

I need to get strong. I have to find myself and decide what I want and need. I have a great support system of friends and family. My kids are inspirational. I wanted to spare them the pain I went through with my own parents' divorce. I have failed. And I am sad. And I miss my husband - not this d**chebag who's taken his place. Our 17th anniversary is Saturday. Ugh.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> But he's giving me NOTHING to work with here. There is no committment to work things out. I don't trust him...He is not the person I married. He's not the person he was a year ago. He is not a good role-model for my boys - he's teaching them that money can buy everything, that walking away from your responsibilities is OK, that cheating is acceptable (although they don't know that part). He is disrespectful. He is arrogant. He is a liar...Everyone says I can't make a decision until the emotions have subsided. Everyone says people can change.


All of this is quite true - but you are giving him NO incentive to change. Why do something different when everything he wants is right there?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The reason you are told to expose is that it EMPOWERS you. It takes you out of the corner, hiding in shame and fear that people will find out he cheated and laugh at you, into the light, where you will see that people will HELP you and COMMISERATE with you and be disgusted with him.

Honestly, what the hell are you getting from him? 

NOTHING.

Why should he change anything?

NO REASON because you allow him to live a double life with NO CONSEQUENCES.

For God's sake, woman, respect yourself. GET MAD!


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

I'm getting there, guys. I really am. Thank you for your words and for helping me get stronger. 

Can someone help me with a script for what to say to HR? And a select few of our friends know and his family knows. Are there other people that I should tell? A lot of the stuff I'm reading says not to tell friends or family. There's a lot of conflicting info out there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> I'm getting there, guys. I really am. Thank you for your words and for helping me get stronger.
> 
> Can someone help me with a script for what to say to HR? And a select few of our friends know and his family knows. Are there other people that I should tell? A lot of the stuff I'm reading says not to tell friends or family. There's a lot of conflicting info out there.


Sure I'd be happy to help. Before we get going too far, I wonder if you've had a moment to read the article about The Seven Steps to Ending an Affair? The reason I ask is that is seems there is evidence that he did have an affair--for whatever reason you believe it to be true and he is not denying it was unfaithfulness. So step one, *Gather Evidence*, seems to have been done. 

Step two is *Confront*, and that's where you would basically make a statement to your husband that you know he's having an affair, that you realize your part in contributing to this trouble in your marriage, and that you're willing to work to make the marriage happy...BUT that in order for that to happen he needs to end the affair. As I understand it, he says "the physical part" is over but he still sees her every day at work. Thus, as you know the affair continues in some form or another as long as he is at work with her every day and probably continues as an EA at least. 

The next step I recommend is *Disclose*, and here's why. Even though your hubby is not exactly behaving in a way that is respectful of you, that's no justification for you to not be respectful of him. In real life, you want to give him every opportunity to pull it together and do the right thing with his dignity in tact. So Disclosure would be selecting ONE (or maybe two) person who is likely to mean the most to your hubby--someone who would have an impact and be able to talk to him and tell him to be a man and get back to his marriage! Some typical examples of someone to disclose to would be his father, your pastor, a mentor "boss" who has really helped him grow... someone like that. Usually this is the one person who he really does NOT want to know about his adultery. For one person it was his mother! For some it might be their best friend from high school onward. I would recommend taking the time to figure out the one or two influential people and contacting them via email or on the phone, and just like in the Confront stage, this is a statement of a fact you know. "Hi, (name) this is Cindy. Hey I have some bad news I need to share with you so do you have a minute? Okay I have recently discovered some solid evidence that proves that my husband is having an affair with a lady at his office. As you might imagine I'm pretty tore up about it and I'm calling/writing you today to ask if you would please help me work on saving our marriage. I could always use your prayers and support, but if you would be willing I'd also ask if you speak to hubby and encourage him to end the affair and work on our marriage." 

The goal of this step, *Disclose*, is that one very EFFECTIVE person is told to give your hubby a chance to hear from someone who means something to him, but so that if he does come to his senses, it's not like the whole family knows. Some small modicum of self-respect might be saved if just the one mentor knew and that was enough to bring him back to the man with the kind of character you loved. This CAN be a little bit embarrassing as it is his dad or your pastor, but usually if someone is a "wise council" they're also mature enough to realize that people make mistakes and the point is not to "never make a mistake" but when you do...how do you handle it?

So you asked him--he didn't quit. You and one other person ask him--he doesn't quit. THEN you go to the next step which is *Expose*. *Exposure *is one that people argue about a lot but that's because some people will use it like a weapon or for vengeance. If you are using Exposure in that way, I guarantee you it will come back on you! So don't do that. Nope, this is more like "notification" with the intent to do what you can to bring the affair to the light of day and make it "not easy." So you would notify those whose lives are about to be affected by the fact that he is choosing to continue the affair and destroy his marriage. Those folks would likely be: the OP's spouse, your family, his family, brothers and sisters, people at church/shul/religious worship, your employer and his employer. You tell family because they are about to lose half their time with their grandkids or their niece/nephew. You tell OP's spouse because they need to know that their marriage/family is under attack too and they may need to move to protect themselves or their family/children! You tell people you worship with because they can pray for you and they may be able to address morals. You tell people at your work because your productivity may suffer and they may have ways to help you, vacation or therapy options. You tell people at his work because unwanted sexual advances are being made in their workplace and they are vulnerable to sexual harrassment (which is a FEDERAL law by the way) and because their cell, car, PCs or email may have been used to carry on an affair and reduce productivity. 

I can see the wisdom in notifying his employers as the last option, and I can see that this economy is awful and hard to find a new job, but in the end, if he were laid off you two would work through that and be okay--so if he were to quit to end all contact and save the marriage you would work through that too. So don't let that scare you! Is it easy? No. Will it be scary to have no income from his job? Yes. But it can be done. 

If you have more specific questions about how to expose, I'd be happy to help.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

AC - thank you. I have been to your site and read about the 7 steps. I *gathered* the evidence (found their "love journal" in his car). I *confronted* him, where he proceeded to blame me for the whole thing, of course. I *disclosed* the affair to his 2 best friends and my best friend. They have had no impact on him. Now his parents and brother and sister know. They have had no impact on him. He supposedly told his immediate supervisor. That had no impact on him. 

So I'm at exposure - to OP's H and HR. I don't care if he loses his job. I've been trying to get him to leave long before the A began. I just don't really know what to say. Has anyone out there done this before and what did you say?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sure let me help with that by referring you to a specific post.

This is here in the Coping with Infidelity section, under the thread: "Wife having an emotional affair. How to handle it?"  post #161. That post has a link to Title VII of the Civil Rights Act which is a FEDERAL law against sexual harassment which is applicable to any company with 15 employees or more. You can read the act right there on that post. 

Your spouse may say that the sexual advances were not unwanted by him, but as his spouse YOU didn't want it, so the sexual advances were unwanted. Furthermore, if the company has been notified and will do nothing about it, you can report it to the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) and they will investigate. Here are their Title 29 CHAPTER XIV PART 1604 GUIDELINES ON DISCRIMINATION BECAUSE OF SEX. Please note that 1604.11 specifically addresses sexual harassment and says: "(d) With respect to conduct between fellow employees, an employer is responsible for acts of sexual harassment in the workplace where the employer (or its agents or supervisory employees) knows or should have known of the conduct, unless it can show that it took immediate and appropriate corrective action." 

Thus if it were me I would write something like: 

"This letter is to formally inform (boss' name and position) and the company, (company name), that unwanted sexual contact has been occurring at the workplace and that company property and/or time may have been used to foster unwanted sexual contact. The unwanted contact is an ongoing workplace affair between (his name) and (her name). Since Title 29 CHAPTER XIV PART 1604 GUIDELINES ON DISCRIMINATION BECAUSE OF SEX says that: "(d) With respect to conduct between fellow employees, an employer is responsible for acts of sexual harassment in the workplace where the employer (or its agents or supervisory employees) knows or should have known of the conduct, unless it can show that it took immediate and appropriate corrective action" as the spouse of one of the involved parties I'm asking that company put an end to this classic "hostile work environment" sexual contact. Please use this date as the date the company was notified and knows for a fact of the unwanted sexual harassment. I am not a lawyer but I believe the company needs to know that due to the conduct of these two on work property, the company is a risk and vulnerable to at least two sexual harassment lawsuits. Can you please inform me of how you intend to address, and correct this situation?"


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

AC - thanks again. I'm going to give it a shot.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

What do you guys make of this info? H went to dinner with a friend last night and this is what the friend told me this morning.

"Here’s how I would summarize what I got from our discussion. He wants to stick to the 3-month period you originally discussed for several reasons. First, that’s apparently a standard time period that was suggested in something that you or maybe both of you read? Next, he doesn’t want to “take the easy road” by “running home” at the first sign of difficulty. He thinks that if he just goes home because you’re sad or because he’s sad or because he hates feeling homeless, then you won’t have learned anything. Third, he wants to make sure it’s you, as his wife, that he wants to go home to…not an idea of what your marriage was at one time or an idea of what it should be. He does not want to go home only to end up leaving again. He doesn’t think either of you could take that. Finally, he wants to make sure that YOU get some time to decide whether or not you want him there. If you let him back in because you’re lonely or because the kids miss him, or for anything else that could be considered a short-term or reactionary feeling, then you might be compromising long-term improvement."


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Do not detract... Tell his Boss. 

He is playing with words through your friends. Nowhere has he admitted his fault in this matter or his inappropriate behaviours or made a significant effort to change.

If he spent as much time repairing the marriage and relationship with you as he does on these discussions then you would both be in a better place.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Thank you for helping me see things clearly, Wisp. It helps to have an objective 3rd party opinion.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> Thank you for helping me see things clearly, Wisp. It helps to have an objective 3rd party opinion.


HUGE fight with H last night. A lot of really ugly, nasty things said on both sides. Finally realized that he checked out of this marriage well before his affair. He is absolutely not committed to working on the problems in our 
marriage. I have to learn to accept that and try to move on. Thanks for all your help. Moving to the divorce boards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He doesn't want to move home because if he does YOU won't have learned anything? 
He denies, lies, blameshifts, has his friends justify his actions and acts like an all around victim in all of this and yet you need to be taught a lesson? He has taken no resonsibility whatsoever for what he has done.
I also want to comment as to what some people have suggested in that there are different "degrees" of affairs. Affairs aren't different....they are ALL the same. Whether it is a one night stand or a 10 year long affair. They all stem from the same root....selfishness. And they ALL have the same result. Lying, denying. blameshifting, etc. Instead of talking to the spouse and trying to work out their feelings they just go behind the back of the person they were supposed to "forsake all others" for. It's all the same. 
Secondly, I disagree that by being nice you are going to win him back. So you have to sacrifice your feelings, hurt, pain and disgust and smile at him and hug/kiss/have sex with him? Why? Meanwhile he is still out covorting with this woman. Why does he get ANY pass on this? It's called cakeating. He gets his wife at home to take care of his children while he plays Disney Dad on the days he chooses, meanwhile he has some side piece to go to on other days. I wouldn't stand for that for a second. Play nice? Hardly. At what point was he playing nice to you? At what point did nice come up in ANY of his actions? It didn't. 
My advice right now is to continue to live at the house, take care of yourself and your children. When you have to communicate with him have it ONLY be about the kids and finances. That's it. He doesn't get a hug or a kiss. Nothing but business talk. Perhaps he will recognize what he is about to loose and pull his head out of his butt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What a bunch of blame-shifting BS! 

What an ass.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Brennan said:


> He doesn't want to move home because if he does YOU won't have learned anything?
> He denies, lies, blameshifts, has his friends justify his actions and acts like an all around victim in all of this and yet you need to be taught a lesson? He has taken no resonsibility whatsoever for what he has done.
> I also want to comment as to what some people have suggested in that there are different "degrees" of affairs. Affairs aren't different....they are ALL the same. Whether it is a one night stand or a 10 year long affair. They all stem from the same root....selfishness. And they ALL have the same result. Lying, denying. blameshifting, etc. Instead of talking to the spouse and trying to work out their feelings they just go behind the back of the person they were supposed to "forsake all others" for. It's all the same. Secondly, I disagree that by being nice you are going to win him back. So you have to sacrifice your feelings, hurt, pain and disgust and smile at him and hug/kiss/have sex with him? Why? Meanwhile he is still out covorting with this woman. Why does he get ANY pass on this? It's called cakeating. He gets his wife at home to take care of his children while he plays Disney Dad on the days he chooses, meanwhile he has some side piece to go to on other days. I wouldn't stand for that for a second. Play nice? Hardly. At what point was he playing nice to you? At what point did nice come up in ANY of his actions? It didn't.
> My advice right now is to continue to live at the house, take care of yourself and your children. When you have to communicate with him have it ONLY be about the kids and finances. That's it. He doesn't get a hug or a kiss. Nothing but business talk. Perhaps he will recognize what he is about to loose and pull his head out of his butt.


I disgree with that statement 100% there are definite differences. I do agree they all stem from *selflishness* though as does almos everything else that goes wrong in marriage.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Brief follow-up... Sunday, he came to pack up some stuff. I took the kids to the zoo to get them out of the house. I left him some things to read: an article about parenting during marital separation/divorce; a shared parenting agreement an attorney gave me which just basically helps us outline who gets the kids and when; an article about mediation instead of divorce lawyers (with a note that said "if you choose to pursue this, please consider this option); a letter that told him that I love him and want to work on the marriage but I can only do so if he is 100% to recommittment. I asked him not to contact me for any other reason than the kids - it's too painful for me. And then I left him a list of some good memories from our marriage - memories that only belong to us and no one can take away. 

I told my children that he was moving out. I told them that he loved them more than anything in the world. I told them that they would not see him any less than before (because of his work, he saw them for about 1/2 a day and on weekends). Because of their young ages, I didn't tell them anything more. They were upset, of course, especially my 10 year old. But each day I tell him how much I love him and am there for him. My 5 year old keeps asking me if I still miss Dad (sob). My 8 year old is disabled and doesn't really understand what's happening. 

Today I got a text from H asking why I told them without him there. He's mad because we should have told them together. I don't disagree with that, but I didn't know if there would be a time for us to be in the same room without me wanting to poke his eyes out. The kids needed to know. Did I handle that wrong?


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Well......it may have been ideal to talk with your H first and have a joint conversation with the kids, but it is water under the bridge now. Most of us did crazy or impulsive stuff in the first few weeks/month or two - before we found help (here, books, therapist) to approach the situation more rationally. 

If you want to try to save the marriage you have to try your best to think things through before they are said or done (NOT easy!!)


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Well, I responded and said I was sorry I didn't wait until we were together - I felt a sense of urgency to explain my tears to my kids and I didn't know when we would we would be together in a rational manner. He responded that it breaks his heart that he couldn't be there to comfort them and that is a moment he'll never get back. Just one more thing to blame me for, I guess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His choices. His problem.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

No need to apologies to him, in fact never apologise to him. He chose to cheat not you. 

As time progresses make sure you have as much of your children’s time as you can legally get.

You must work to control the kids schedule not him, if he has time on the side to cheat he has no time to be with your children


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> Well, I responded and said I was sorry I didn't wait until we were together - I felt a sense of urgency to explain my tears to my kids and I didn't know when we would we would be together in a rational manner. He responded that it breaks his heart that he couldn't be there to comfort them and that is a moment he'll never get back. Just one more thing to blame me for, I guess.


NOTE TO SELF: Are you aware that the reason he wasn't there to comfort them had NOTHING to do with you? You want him to be with the wife to whom he committed and with the children he helped bring into this world. He was not there to comfort them because rather than caring about them, he is selfishly leaving them behind for another woman! And he's darn right he will never get that moment back--or tonight when he could have tucked them in bed! 

Don't you shoulder the responsibility for his choices! *Oh nol* :nono: In order to be back with his children, comforting them, all he has to do is do the right thing, end his adultery, and honor his vow. Please place the responsibility squarely where it belongs: on his AFFAIR and his choice to not stop it!!

This is a perfect example of Disloyal Dizzyness and how a disloyal will take the truth, twist it around and magnify blame on you when you are not the one who's made this mess.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You say that he is upset that he couldn't be there to "explain" to his children what was going on. Well he could have been, he chose not to. You have no reason to apologize to him whatsoever. None.

OhSheesh, how is one affair different from the other? I am not trying to be argumentative, I am truly curious as to why one would be worse than the other. Is a drunken one night stand easier to understand? A vow is a vow. A vow is broken. For me, it would be harder if my husband cheated with a one night stand. Why? Because he tossed his vows aside for some random piece of ass. I welcome your insight.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You will be dealing more and more with this affair dizziness he spews. He will blame you for everything. Listen but don't respond. Please don't believe the things that come out of his mouth. There was no need for him to be there when you told the kids. He just wanted control. Set YOUR boundaries he can't cross. Don't let him manipulate you. It took me a month to control myself after I found out. She played me like a fiddle. Now it is 4 months after D-day and I finally have control of my life back. You really need to work on you. Read and write on this forum. The pain will fade. You will be happy again.
Ignore everything he says about your relationship and the kids. It is affair fog.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Ugh - I am so weak. First day of school... I hate that H is not here for this. I hate that he is missing out on their everyday activities. But I know that it was his choice to not be here, not mine. He has been texting my oldest son, but my son either does not respond or responds with short answers. Not because he's mad, but b/c that's just how he is. I can see my H getting very angry and saying that I'm withholding the kids, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I will not put my kids in the middle of this. 

On the flip side, his mom is getting very angry with him. His friends are losing respect for him. I am standing my ground on no communication with him except for kid-related stuff. It is killing me, but I'm hanging in. I have decided to throw a 40th b-day party for myself - I know it sounds silly, but I am embracing 40, not running from it. At least the party is something to look forward to...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your 40s are great years.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Guess I'm a cougar now...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey you go girl, you are handling yourself with a lot of grace and concern for your children, he has made his choices and that is his problem if he is out of the loop now with his children, this is not your problem or your responsibility now......
he will have to make the effort to stay in contact without your help now....you have a life to live......cougars are busy young women who enjoy life to the fullest......hehe!!!
all kidding aside I know it hurts but stick to your guns, let him figure out what he gave up for the skank he is now with.........
first day of school, don't feel bad check out all the singles dad's that are there, hehe!!! sorry the cougar in me I guess........stay strong.........


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You aren't withholding his children, HE is...with his actions. The blame lays squarely on his shoulders. He can get mad all he wants. There are a million other ways he could have handled his marriage but he chose the one that put a bullet through you and your childrens hearts. 
As for turning 40, congratulations! Throwing a party isn't silly!! Hell, register for gifts if you want to.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
Just had a great girl's weekend with my very best friend. Spa day, shopping, great food, great conversation. Friends are so important when dealing with this crisis. Her husband flew in to spend the weekend with my H and several other friends. Found out that my H spent most of the weekend avoiding him - his friend felt like he was completely blown off. They didn't talk about what was going on at all. H is still in this fantasy world where nothing is wrong. It's so unbelievable. He is risking lifelong friendships now. I am sorry for the lost soul he has become.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does this friend know what he's doing?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

what else can your husband do when it comes to the friend, he would have to admit to his wrong doing, it's embarrassing for him, and so it should be.
Hang in there and be open to what has to offer you......
He will be the one with regret in the end........
Be classy and honest, you will be sleeping like a baby in no time..........


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
All his friends know about the affair. I am disappointed in their response to him. They don't support what he's doing, but seem to be too afraid to confront him about it. There are no consequences to H. But I can't control them. I continue to move forward.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Venting...

I am SO angry that his decisions have completely altered the course of my life. His choices now lessen the time I have with my children. His choices have made our friends uncomfortable around me. His choices have damaged his family. His choices have left me a hopeless wreck today. I never dreamed I would be in this position. I never dreamed I would be alone. I wanted so much more for my kids! As a child of divorce, I never wanted them to experience the pain I went through. I am so sad for them. 

Why do I even want to try to save this marriage? He's fat, he's balding, he has bad breath, he's sarcastic and patronizing, he has bad skin, he is selfish and superficial, he is egotistical, he is lazy. Why do I even think that he could change? Just wait til OW sees this side of him. 

Ugh - I HATE feeling this way. I need positive thoughts and smiles. I must move on! Does this ever end? Will I ever be able to emotionally detach from him? 25 years invested in a relationship that took 4 months to destroy... just sad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You just wait. When you're on your own and you don't have to revise your whole life around keeping him satisfied...whooboy! My mom told me she would have died before she married another man after my dad; there was no way she'd every have to curtail herself so much just to please another human being. She loved being single.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Seeing an attorney today to weigh my options. Saw H last night at S's soccer game - no wedding ring. I tried my hardest to be civil and think I pulled it off. I heard that he's looking for an apartment. It's so hard not knowing what's going through his head. I'm trying my best to not worry about it and just move forward. How did we go from having a great family vacation in March, to this? Am I doing the right thing? Should I be doing more? I'm basically just letting him go... I at least wanted a chance to try to work things out through MC. At least get to a place where we could work together for the good of our kids. Now we're not even speaking. 

Just got a call from my SIL - she's putting her dog down today. When do the good things start coming back??


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I hadn't heard it said on this site, but I have certainly thought it:.. .in this fantasy world where nothing is wrong. Once you rob a bank you are more likely to run red lights. The big tabu has been broken. He is clearly embarassed. He does have regrets. He is avoiding his friends because they would (mostly) reject his fantasy as just that.
My wife has little or no contact with all our friends. She didn't really inderstand how this would play out. Mostly because I did the exposure route. So H's "rejection" of his friends can be expected.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Need some quick advice! H wants to meet tomorrow to discuss finances. He has found a house he wants to rent. I don't know if I should meet with him in person or just ask for details via email or what? Any advice??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Email. Period. End of story.
He can just as easily write down a budget and email it to you. This is about manipulation and control. Do not fall for it. 
I have read your posts from top to bottom and commented a few times. You have been dealt a really crappy situation. You also found a way to blame yourself for his affair. WRONG. It was his choice. If he was unhappy he could have come to you and told you. Instead he took the cowards way out.
Tomorrow is about you taking your power back. Do not meet him, do not engage him, insist that all possible contact be in writing and only with regards to children and finances. You are stronger than you EVER knew possible. Rise up my dear, rise up!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> Need some quick advice! H wants to meet tomorrow to discuss finances. He has found a house he wants to rent. I don't know if I should meet with him in person or just ask for details via email or what? Any advice??


I agree, do not meet with him. The only response he should get would be something like this: "Have you decided to honor your commitment to the marriage and family by ending all contact with the other woman and giving me 100% of your affection and loyalty?" Every time he tries to contact you that can be the mantra that you repeat. 

Regarding finances, if he is the soul income in the family he may very well try to "threaten" you with keep all his paycheck, not paying for the children, etc. I would suggest that rather than knee-jerk reacting to this, that you state facts: that he is the father of the children--that in our society both parents are held accountable for supporting the children--and that the formula for your state has nothing whatsoever to do with you being mean or demanding. If he threatens to cut off finances you have several options that do not include divorce: filing for a child support order, earning your own money, and even calling the bank to put off two payments to the end of the mortgage...calling creditors for a payment plan...etc. So his threat is for one reason and one reason only: to scare you into doing what he wants you to do. And he suspects that if you two meet live and in person, he has a better chance of scaring you into agreeing to it. 

So nope. Any proposals should be in writing and if you have a friend who's a lawyer let them look at it. If you don't, bring it here to TAM and send me PM with your state and I'd be happy to just look over the written proposal for a "reality check." Because here's the way it is: each state has their own little tables of "If you make this much and have this many kids for this % of time, child support is THIS MUCH per month." It's easy and it's pretty much non-negotiable.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. I am not going to meet him tomorrow. So I will email him and ask if he can forward me the details - how much is the rent, how long is the lease, what does he estimate for utilities, etc. What other questions? Or should I just file for separation? 

I feel like this whole thing is spiralling out of control. I no longer believe my story will have a happy ending with H. And if it ends in D, I would like to try to remain amicable for the sake of the kids. But I don't think I can even get there with H without some kind of counseling. I met with L last week and got the facts/figures on child/spousal support (considering that our D would be equal and agreed to by both parties). I didn't like what I heard. So it's likely to turn into a battle. This sucks.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Why did you not like what you heard? What about it didn't you like?

Here's the fact: Divorce Costs You. It will also Cost Him. I guarantee you that before this is over both of you will have lost something you hold dear. That is the reality. HE is living in the fantasy: "Wifey-poo will gracefully exit stage left. The divorce will be mutual, quick and over in a flash. We sell the home and I get half the equity in cash! I get to keep all my income and OW's income too! My family and friends will be happy for me that I finally found True Love. My children will love the OW, and after the divorce it will be legitimate."

Nope here's reality. The average divorce in the USA takes about a year and there is usually some degree of hostile disagreement. In the course of the divorce, assets are lost. The former quality of life is completely lost and both live at quite a bit lower standard. Neither spouse usually "does well" as the men often pay CS and thus don't have enough "to live on" and the women can not live on their income and CS alone and take care of the kids. Friends are lost. Family may or may not accept the affair partner ever. And the kids will HATE the affair partner, be rude, disobey, act up and have trouble adjusting to the new routine. 

I think if I were you, I'd suggest that you stop letting your H drive this decision. Take the time to decide what you want. If you want to be done, make a reasonable proposal for divorce now, add adultery if your state allows statement of grounds, and be done. (I personally suggest you consider NOT divorcing as most affairs crash and burn on their own within two years, and the way he's behaving is very typical--but after sexual immorality you have the moral right to walk away. You don't have to exercise that right but it is there.) If you do not want a divorce, then do everything you can to avoid it, delay it, put it off, and postpone it. You may have to get a job; that's life. You may have to court order your spouse to care for his children; that's life. But make up your mind what YOU want and then you start driving this.


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## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

I know that child support is just a formula and non-negotiable. But the spousal support was minimal and only for 8 years. Plus no claim to his pension. And we have a disabled child who will be dependant forever. So it just didn't seem like enough to me. 

I do not want to divorce him... just yet. I cannot continue in the marriage as it was, but had hoped that we could start over, recognizing both our mistakes and make it better. I learned that the only grounds that he can file on is incompatibility and I would contest it and it would be thrown out. But once he moved out, he can file legitimately after a year. I have a job, but I only make about 1/3 of his salary and that will never change.

I just don't think he wants the marriage, OW or not. He just wants out. He's given me nothing to think otherwise. He's not telling anyone anything. It's very difficult. I need to get the specifics of his rental and go from there, I guess...


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## marionelliott230 (Jan 17, 2012)

OH-WHY-O? said:


> Not much has happened. I am not very good at this. I suck at Plan A b/c I cry all the time. I suck at confrontation so I haven't made a call to HR. I want to be the bigger person. I want to stay true to myself. I understand these steps are necessary to end the affair. I'm just not strong enough.
> 
> Our little vacation was nice - no relationship talk whatsoever. We enjoyed the time with our friends and spent every day on the water and zip-lining and whitewater rafting. He kept bringing up little tidbits from the past "remember this, remember when we did that", etc... Of course when we got home, he walked out the door.
> 
> ...


That's right. You need to be strong for your children and teach them what is right.


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Sexual Harassment Lawyers, Attorneys, Workplace Abuse, Sex Crimes, Discrimination


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