# Do I really want to do this again?



## cgavin (Jun 10, 2011)

Hi all! I'm new here and here is my dilemma, plz bear with me. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I'm on my second marriage, I have 2 beautiful children from my first marriage and none with my current husband. My first husband turned out to be a jerk and did horrible things during our 9 yrs together. My current husband and I have known each other since we were children. About 9 months after my divorce I started dating my husband, everything was wonderful, he gave me everything I ever wanted, not material things but, love and faithfulness etc. We ended up getting married after dating for a lil over 1.5 yrs. We've only been married 2 months. The problem is now we seem to fight all the time. Part of the problem is that I lost my job and we are living with his mom, 3 adults and 2 kids in a house is a lot of stress. Anyway we fight about everything from money to the kids. Sometimes I think it's a combo of finances and the living situation that makes our marriage difficult at times. But here's what really has got me concerned lately. My oldest son who is going to be 9 soon is now on summer break, he has about 5 or 6 friends in our neighborhood and our house seems to be the meeting place for the kids. Most of the time it's only 1 or 2 that come over for any length of time. Well his mom seems to have a problem with his friends being over. Personally I don't see the issue the kids come over go into the bedroom and play video or board games or go outside and do things. So tonight my husband reminded me, not very gently I might add, that this isn't my house and that he can't be having his friend over everyday. I have a serious problem with this b/c I will not make my kids miserable just to make someone else happy. If the kids were overly loud/obnoxious that would be one thing, but it's just kids being kids. Also let me say this his mom sleeps in every day until 10 or so and I'm expected to try to keep 2 kids ages 3 and 8 quite until she gets up. It'd be one thing if it was super early but no one can expect 2 kids to not be up and running and wanting to do things by 8:30 or 9. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when it comes to my kids and I don't feel like my husband supports me or his new family, he only understands his mom's side of things. I don't know what to do. I don't want another divorce, but I want my kids happy, plus my kids love my husband, their father is never there for them doesn't pay child support or even call or come see them. I've tried talking about some of these things but when it comes to issues with his mom he gets super defensive. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier for the kids and I to move out until I have a job and we can find a place of our own. Please help. Sorry for the long thread just couldn't figure out how to get the issue out in less words.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's your mother-in-law's house, so everyone is bound by her rules. If you don't like those rules, move.


----------



## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

827Aug said:


> It's your mother-in-law's house, so everyone is bound by her rules. If you don't like those rules, move.


:iagree: Yep...her house, her rules. I tell my kids as long as they live under my roof (for free) they obide by my rules.

Unless you are paying her monthly rent or something. Then you have more right to expect some leeway.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

rider03 said:


> :iagree: Yep...her house, her rules. I tell my kids as long as they live under my roof (for free) they obide by my rules.
> 
> Unless you are paying her monthly rent or something. Then you have more right to expect some leeway.



It's unfortunate - not the kids grandma - crowded living conditions to boot. I'm not a huge fan of the neighborhood gang. When my older bunch were that age, it's like the gang always gathers at the same house and takes advantage. Free babysitting, free snacks - it was my kids and my house and it just felt like I was being taken advantage of plus the annoyance of in and out of the house etc. I would ask MIL for 2 days a week and work out a schedule with the other kids moms. If there are 8 kids, you 'hosting' a few twice a week is more than fair. It was annoying to me and they were my kids. I am a type who preferred a plan and hated my grocery shopping interrupted by impromptu play dates.

Edit to add: kids being kids is annoying when you aren't in that stage anymore! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My house was always the neighborhood Koolaid crib, too. I loved it, but it was my house. Granny's house, Granny's rules. Obviously, the ideal solution is for you and your husband to carve out your own space to raise your family. Until then, your kids may have to play in someone else's house/yard. A 3d option would be for the kids to involve Granny, introduce their friends to her, so she has small friends visiting her house instead of miniature strangers. In any case, their visits can't be every day or for unreasonable duration (as defined by Granny) and your kids ought to get permission from Granny before inviting anyone over. Granny probably just feels like she's losing control over her space.


----------



## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I agree with all of the above. Unless your ok with this amount of conflict ruining your marraige, you all need to move out and get your own place. Yes it's her home and you must go by her rules and all but you two are full grown adults with kids. You need to be able to set your own rules, boundries and all in your home for your kids. You can't do that living in someone else's home.

Finances an issue? Find a way to make it happen. What if you didn't have her or her home to fall on? What would you do? If you dig enough you'll find a way:smthumbup:


----------



## cgavin (Jun 10, 2011)

The main thing is that we do pay rent. We should have some control over the house if we are paying to use it. But to me that still doesn't excuse his behavior when it comes to this mother and our discussions about the way it makes me feel. Maybe that's my real problem is his reaction to things like this.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cgavin said:


> The main thing is that we do pay rent. We should have some control over the house if we are paying to use it. But to me that still doesn't excuse his behavior when it comes to this mother and our discussions about the way it makes me feel. Maybe that's my real problem is his reaction to things like this.


Deal with both. Work out a workable plan re: friends then deal with communication with husband. He sounded frustrated. It sounds like he's go-between you and mom. If grandma doesn't like it and your solution is your son shouldn't have to suffer and continue - you're not being fair. Or she should get up before 10 because your kids can't get be expected to be quiet. You don't seem very grateful or accomodating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cgavin said:


> Hi all! I'm new here and here is my dilemma, plz bear with me. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I'm on my second marriage, I have 2 beautiful children from my first marriage and none with my current husband. My first husband turned out to be a jerk and did horrible things during our 9 yrs together. My current husband and I have known each other since we were children. About 9 months after my divorce I started dating my husband, everything was wonderful, he gave me everything I ever wanted, not material things but, love and faithfulness etc. We ended up getting married after dating for a lil over 1.5 yrs. We've only been married 2 months. The problem is now we seem to fight all the time. Part of the problem is that I lost my job and we are living with his mom, 3 adults and 2 kids in a house is a lot of stress. Anyway we fight about everything from money to the kids. Sometimes I think it's a combo of finances and the living situation that makes our marriage difficult at times. But here's what really has got me concerned lately. My oldest son who is going to be 9 soon is now on summer break, he has about 5 or 6 friends in our neighborhood and our house seems to be the meeting place for the kids. Most of the time it's only 1 or 2 that come over for any length of time. Well his mom seems to have a problem with his friends being over. Personally I don't see the issue the kids come over go into the bedroom and play video or board games or go outside and do things. So tonight my husband reminded me, not very gently I might add, that this isn't my house and that he can't be having his friend over everyday. I have a serious problem with this b/c I will not make my kids miserable just to make someone else happy. If the kids were overly loud/obnoxious that would be one thing, but it's just kids being kids. Also let me say this his mom sleeps in every day until 10 or so and I'm expected to try to keep 2 kids ages 3 and 8 quite until she gets up. It'd be one thing if it was super early but no one can expect 2 kids to not be up and running and wanting to do things by 8:30 or 9. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when it comes to my kids and I don't feel like my husband supports me or his new family, he only understands his mom's side of things. I don't know what to do. I don't want another divorce, but I want my kids happy, plus my kids love my husband, their father is never there for them doesn't pay child support or even call or come see them. I've tried talking about some of these things but when it comes to issues with his mom he gets super defensive. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier for the kids and I to move out until I have a job and we can find a place of our own. Please help. Sorry for the long thread just couldn't figure out how to get the issue out in less words.



Where could you afford to go - just you and kids that hubby couldn't come too and solve problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

cgavin,

Ok, you pay rent. You're hanging out in Granny's house. She isn't your typical landlord and you aren't the typical tennant. If you want autonomy, don't live under a relative's roof. She didn't offer her home for rent to the general public. She's helping out family. In other words, this isn't a purely business transaction, even if you are paying rent and it never was. A word of advise. Do business with strangers and not with family. You can take strangers to court and still enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. Lock horns with Granny and it'll taint your relationship with her, your husband, and probably a lot of other extended family members for years, maybe decades. That's a huge price to pay for saving a few nickles. Get your own place. It'll cost a little more but it'll be worth it.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> cgavin,
> 
> Ok, you pay rent. You're hanging out in Granny's house. She isn't your typical landlord and you aren't the typical tennant. If you want autonomy, don't live under a relative's roof. She didn't offer her home for rent to the general public. She's helping out family. In other words, this isn't a purely business transaction, even if you are paying rent and it never was. A word of advise. Do business with strangers and not with family. You can take strangers to court and still enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. Lock horns with Granny and it'll taint your relationship with her, your husband, and probably a lot of other extended family members for years, maybe decades. That's a huge price to pay for saving a few nickles. Get your own place. It'll cost a little more but it'll be worth it.



It's annoying having someone come in and feel like they 'take over your space'. My brother asked to live with me when his house was being built. He was respectful, but even then it was annoying. I wanted to make supper, he had his cooking in oven. Had time to throw a load in the washer, crap - his was in there. Wanted a hot bath - he was in the shower - then bam his girlfriend came for the weekend. Not bad things or wrong things - but annoying in MY space. It's her house - you bow to her wishes - not the other way around. If you aren't showing proper respect and appreciation, your husband may be getting frustrated with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cgavin (Jun 10, 2011)

I have been respectful towards her and the situation. However I guess I should have added that the house also belongs to my husband, his name is on the deed and for years prior to us being married he helped his mom pay the bills. He's never really called it his house but essentially he owns it too. Also she is the one who has said numerous times that she doesn't want him moving out, mostly I think it's b/c hes the only child and she doesn't want to be alone. I just refuse to make my children unhappy for anyone even my husband. I think there has to be some way to work things out, but yes I realize he is frustrated having to be the go between but I've tried talking to her about other things and feel I don't get anywhere. I agree we really need to try to find another place that we can afford or at least try to get by until I find another job, but I don't want to leave here on a bad note b/c that would just end up hurting my hubby's and my relationship further. I don't feel that he will stand up for us when it comes to his mom. It just feels like right now that I'm in this circle where it's fight after fight.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

cgavin said:


> I have been respectful towards her and the situation. However I guess I should have added that the house also belongs to my husband, his name is on the deed and for years prior to us being married he helped his mom pay the bills. He's never really called it his house but essentially he owns it too. Also she is the one who has said numerous times that she doesn't want him moving out, mostly I think it's b/c hes the only child and she doesn't want to be alone. I just refuse to make my children unhappy for anyone even my husband. I think there has to be some way to work things out, but yes I realize he is frustrated having to be the go between but I've tried talking to her about other things and feel I don't get anywhere. I agree we really need to try to find another place that we can afford or at least try to get by until I find another job, but I don't want to leave here on a bad note b/c that would just end up hurting my hubby's and my relationship further. I don't feel that he will stand up for us when it comes to his mom. It just feels like right now that I'm in this circle where it's fight after fight.


Can you and parents meet and set up a schedule? Could you agree to that with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Whatever way you slice it, it is defacto her house, deed or no deed, rent or no rent. Woulda, coulda, shoulda... find a way to get out of that house. It is unhealthy.

And having to play at someone else' house is not cause for "making your kids miserable". If you cannot allow your kids to be UNHAPPY for someone else, then dollars gets ya donuts you are raising spoiled kids. There is no reason in the world they cannot be considerate of another human beings' schedule, to include ... yes EXPECTING them to be quiet.

In my opinion, you are being way demanding.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the "her house, her rules". And regardless of your husband's name on the title, it sounds like her house. Don't like it, find another place.

As far as the other kids coming over, why is your place (which isn't really) the meeting place? Why can't your son go over to some other kids place?

I am currently living in a friend's place after separating in February. Even though I'm paying market rent (the same as he was going to charge if he listed the space available), I still take significant precautions to not make waves. It's only polite. So I make sure to keep my stuff cleaned up in the common area, try to minimize my footprint in the kitchen, keep my stereo at a reasonable level, etc. And make sure that he knows I'm open to any discussions if there's an issue. But in the end, it's his place, and I'm a tenant. Yes, I have rights... But I also need to respect his rights.

C


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a job and move out.

It's her home so I imagine if she likes things a certain way, then you should adhere. When you have your own place, she shouold adhere to what you want going on at your place.

Granted, you can try to work out a compromise but if that woman wants to sleep in til 10, she should.


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Whatever happened to playing outside? That's where my 2y/o is 24/7 during the summer, lol. The rules seem to be quiet before 10:00ish and no friends in the house (except for on occasion)--I just don't see how that's incredibly difficult to accomodate. Take them to the park in the mornings, or a place like playworld, set up a kiddie pool and sit outside and read as they play, or heck, just have quiet cartoon time for an hour or two in the mornings.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Personally, I don't think this is something worth ending your marriage over. If this is the worst obstacle you have to endure, then your very lucky.

You are being way too demanding. You can get irritated all you want, if this is how you are acting then I can understand why he is frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

