# How do you deal with the harm of FB?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So my H and I have been communicating really well and working towards reconsiling our marriage, but then a couple weeks ago I notice on his FB wall a girl has said she misses him and that she hopes to see him soon. I ask my H through text who this person is wihtout going into detaila nd he just totally ignores the text. The next day I ask why a girl misses him and he says they are friends. I say does he see her in person and he says they meet for lunch about once a week. He says he talks to her becasue she is easy to talk too. He does not say what he talks to her about. I ask him if she knows about me and if she knows that he is working on reconsiling his marriage. He says yes she knows.

So I think about it over night and decide that if she knew she would not be putting things on his FB wall for his wife to see.

Then I ask him again and get no real answers, just they are friends and basically I need to trust him. Once I did get a response from him saying " Oh its ok for you to do it with what his name, but not me?" (I did have an EA, but he is in another state).

So me being not satisfied with his answer I got into his FB acct since I already knew the password and I looked at this girls FB wall sicne it was privatized for non-friends. It said she was Single and she lives in our town, but she is not from his highschool. 

So then I message her a short message. I said "I'm Jason's wife, I was wondering what your intentions are with my husband"

I never got a responce from her until this weekend when I was staying the night with my husband which has been the first time we have slept in teh same bed since seperation. 

So her reponce back to me 2-3 wks after I sent her the message was "sorry for my late response, I am just now seeing this message. My only reply to you is that its really none of your business when Jason and I see each other.

So I talk to my husband about this and he says she oviuosly wants more from him than he wants from her. That he would not be trying this hard if he didn't want this to work. He wanted me to not reply to her because it would only piss her off more. I said I had not replied back to her.

Then I got to thinking why does he not want to hut her feelings, why does he not want me to piss her off? I'm his wife, right? Shouldnt I stand up for my husband?

So I write her back "Well you can continue to pine for a married man if you want, but you know he does not want you or love you. His heart is with me...
In fact he has spent the last 2 nights with me"

She responds "I'm not interested in fighting with you. You don't know me and I don't know you. I do know your marriage has ended and if you want to find someone to blame, go look in the mirror. 
I already knew that you had stayed at his parents house this weekend, nice try though.

So before her last message to me my husband and I agreed to drop the subject.

Then after most of today he was texting me at every break he had at work. Joking fun stuff...Then at his last break he texts me that she text him at 2:30 in the morning that he needed to choose between her or me.

He also text that he was sorry he had to put me in the middle of all this. 

Then I start saying everything I was holding in all day(he had not known that she had messaged me again last night)

Then he gets angry and says how I don't drop anyhting.

I can't wait for our counseling session that is DEc 23rd. He wants me to just trust him with out him explaining anything to me. If he did something tell me and lets get on with it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. She's a total betch.

And this is why I DO NOT trust women. Especially single women who cavort with married men. TROUBLE! 

Your husband is shady too. He's cheating. The fact that he didn't want you to piss her off tells me VOLUMES. He should be blocking her and telling her to leave him the eff alone. But no. He's worried that she'll be upset...totally disregarding your feelings.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Yes I agree. She is blocked on his FB and not a friend on FB anymore, but she continues to text him. I don't know if he was trying to come clean or not and then I was questioning more and he just shut down!!

I can't wait for our counseling session. Why does he want to claim to want to reconsile but hes afraid of me hurting her feelings. Why was she so pissed when he told her he was reconsiling his marraige with me?? 

I just wish he would tell me the truth no matter how much its gonna hurt me.

He is not paying me support money anymore which he never told me he was going to stop, but whne I asked about it he said he was not required to pay naymore because the restraining order was dropped that had the orders in it. He had also just recently (saturday) ask me when I want him to move back in. Then it was sunday early evening that I got the first message from her. I talked to him right away and he said we would get through it. He seemed very very sincere. Then we continued to have a good night. We even had our first kiss since the seperation and I thought it meant something and now I'm not sure it really did.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but FB isn't your problem. Your problem is a husband with poor boundaries, and who apparently values his "once a week" lunches with another woman over his marriage. In fact, FB is the only reason you know about the problem. If she would have texted him, or even messaged him instead of posting on your wall, you'd probably still be in the dark.

Just my $0.02 worth. My guess is that your husband hasn't been honest with either of you two women with regards to where the relationships are at. So she'd thinks the marriage is over, making him "fair game". And you think he's having lunch with her once a week, and she's just some psycho chick that's chasing him through no fault of his.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

Geez...what a slu* that one is!

Sorry I have no advise to offer, other than solidarity and I feel bad for you. This is one of the times I would gladly hope what goes round comes round. That woman will get her karma some day. Your husband is no angel either, but I understand that you still love him despite everything.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I changed my life for him!!! I relized what I was doing wrong and I changed it all. I had a dog breeding business and I sold all dogs and quit business because my time was being taken away. I relized I was pushing him away. I told him all my faults.

I relized my parents were very very controllign and now my parents are not in my life. I'm in Colorado alone. I've been also grieving the loss of my parents. When I tell him I have no family here, he says I have him and the kids. Hes been spending almost every weekend with me. He calls me at as close to 5pm when he gets off as possible. Then he talks to me until he gets to his parents where after that he texts because there is no reception there. If he stopps to eat on the way home, he is constantly texting me too. Then he calls me when he gets in the car.

Why did he insist on marraige counseling.

He has also been talking about moving to AZ between Jan-march because the job he is on is ending and there is work in AZ. We would all move with him. He is a union pipefitter so if there is no work in his homestate he can travel.

Our house is in foreclosure, we are in the middle of bankrucy. I have 3 special needs kids with autism. I can't just go get a job and all of a sudden he is suggesting I go get a job because otehr single moms with 3 kids do it. What makes me so special that I don't have to go work?He says

ALL i WANT FOR XMAS IS A LOVING FAITHFUL HUSBAND

I wish I could shut my brain off and go to sleep.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm confused has he blocked her and stopped communicating or is still talking to her?

Cause after her text to him, it's clear she sees herself as his new girl and you as a threat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He needs to block her completely. 

I don't agree with your husband talking to her. Gosh, if it were me, I'd go into the account and block her myself. If she is readded, then there's a problem. Your husband should be respecting your wishes. She has crossed that line and is fighting for your husband. What a b!tech she is. I'm so sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I did go into his FB account and blocked her from contacting him. I then noticed she was not on his friend list anymore. The post she also put on FB he had deleted. 

He was very upset that I had gone into his fB account, but he got over it and we were growing closer. He even had suggested that I spend the night with him last weekend. So I did and it was great, I felt even closer to him even though there was no sexual contact. This woman started messaging me Saturday night and I received the message on Sunday early afternoon. I talked to my Husband right away about it. He said we would get through this and he would deal with her. He has claimed it was only friendship and she wanted more.

I do wonder to beleive my husband or not. Things seem really fishy, but my husband is not very good with communication. We have 3 children with Autism and I have long suspected that he may be on the spectrum as well. He has always been a gentlemen and seems to talk easily to someone with no pressures or demands. He does have many women friends that I do know personally.

Before this woman came out and started messaging me, he was ready to move back in. He has contacted me this morning to tell me "morning" before he had to go to work and he said he would "ttyl"

My husband often communicates where he almost thinks that people know what he is saying nad gets mad at not only me for asking questions, but gets mad at his mom and dad too. 

I do wonder if he is really telling me the truth in this and doesn't like my pressing questions. His son with Autism is the same way.

Or is he feeling guilty for letting a woman get the wrong idea?? He did tell me he was sorry for putting me in this position.

I agree she is so being a Beocth.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Some women are really malicious! 

My husband and I have each others passwords for Facebook, email, ect... He would never get angry if I browsed through his online activity. He can go through mine too, I say nothing but good things about him.

It really sounds like your husband may be working on this issue. It really doesn't look like a threat yet. If it were me, I'd be keeping an eye on it. My husband and I agreed early in our marriage that there is no frequent casual contact with the opposite sex outside of work. Neither of us really go on Facebook, which is nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband and I have had many communication issues and I think we always will to some degree. I think I mentioned before that we have 3 children on the Autism spectruma nd my husband does have some symptoms of being on the spectrum as well. 

Right now in this seperation trust is being built and with him not living at home and this woman stirring SH*T, It has put those trust issues out there. I think with my husband if he says it was just friends nad he didn't knowingly do anything to cause her to think otherwise. She wanted more than friends and he didn't. She got mad when he would talk about reconsiling with me, his wife.

My husband is not on FB that much, but I am. He does not like me on FB or any other social sites.

He does not want to share passwords. He wants trust I think and doesn't want me to doubt him. My doubts is what lead to our seperation, my believing other people and not talking to him. But he is so difficult to talk too. Hes a guy who really keeps his feelings inside, but expects me to know how he feels.

So right now I'm trying to put my trust in him that this was a pycho woman and he had not crossed any lines. If he did cross any lines what good would it do us for me to know?? I don't want those visions.

If he had intended to keep things a secret then why did he tell me yesterday that she had text him at 2:30am that "he needs to choose either her or me". I bet if he was doing something he would not have told me that. At the time that he told me it unleashed everything that I had been keeping inside all day becuase this woman had messaged me right after I got done texting him for that night. It was not a very good message at all. She said" my marriage was over and if I was looking for someone to blame than I should go look in the mirror and that she knew I had spent the last 2 nights with him, Nice try though"

Of course I had blasted her back and I guess that must of really upset this pyscho because she text my husband about 2-3hrs after my messages about if my marriage was over why was I sleeping naked with my husband, why was he planning a romantice cruise with me and that he was moving back in to our family home.

My husband was mad at me last night because he had asked me to not respond to any of her messages and I did anyway. He still claimed that there was nothing more than friendship and she wanted more. He also in frustration said maybe he will turn gay so he does not have to deal with women.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MY HUSBAND ADMITTED HE CHEATED WITH THE GIRL I THOUGHT HE DID!!! I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel???


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> MY HUSBAND ADMITTED HE CHEATED WITH THE GIRL I THOUGHT HE DID!!! I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel???


Start with betrayed and angry and go from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Well I think I already felt betrayed and angry because I knew soemthing was up before. I told him "why is a girl missing you and hopes to see you soon?" He lied to me all along. I knew though. her messages said so much.

I did feel him coming out and telling me and being calm about it was really good of him. My friend who runs a infedility forum on yahoo, says she has never heard of a man admitting it.

I know I have a lot of questions to go through and ask him. I have already asked alot nad some of my questions I may want to leave out.

I knew something was up all along, so I do feel that now that its out there we can talk about it. All our ups and downs were all because of this. He has kept telling me that I didn't do anything wrong. 

I really feel that we can get through this all. This has opened up some doors of sexual talk. We have had a marriage of little sex. With the questions I asked him he said he had wanted me all the time before our seperation started, but at the same time I was pushing him away.

I'm hating it right now that my husband is asleep and I cant talk to him because so many things are going through my mind. 

My husband has refused to wear his wedding ring saying that it bugs him and I have asked him if he will wear it now. He says he will, but we need to get one that is thinner than the one he has. I've always wanted him to wear a ring because there has been no way for other women to know he is married and off the table.

Why do I feel like blasting the woman again???? I know it won't bring me anyhting good if I do. She might tell me things that are lies or that I really don't want to hear.

I did blast my husband and probably will some more. I told him what was going to be hard for me to forget was his DI*k in a nother woman!!!! And I know which woman it is too!!!!

My husband has a lot of pleading with me. I need to hear him say a lot of things he is sorry for over and over again. So many times since this woman first messged me last Sunday I talked to him about her and he would get super angry!! I am glad that he fessed up to it though....

Now I know I'm going to be asking him the same quetions over and over again just to see if I get the same answer


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I changed my life for him!!! I relized what I was doing wrong and I changed it all. *I had a dog breeding business and I sold all dogs and quit business because my time was being taken away. I relized I was pushing him away. I told him all my faults.
> *
> *I relized my parents were very very controllign and now my parents are not in my life. I'm in Colorado alone. I've been also grieving the loss of my parents. When I tell him I have no family here, he says I have him and the kids.* Hes been spending almost every weekend with me. He calls me at as close to 5pm when he gets off as possible. Then he talks to me until he gets to his parents where after that he texts because there is no reception there. If he stopps to eat on the way home, he is constantly texting me too. Then he calls me when he gets in the car.


I don't know about anyone else, but these two paragraphs are really bothering me. Have you ever gone to independent counseling? Ever considered that your husband is an abuser?

I see him isolating you from your friends and family, I see him guilting you out of a business that allowed you to earn an income. The constant contact until he can no longer maintain contact.

I have just ended a marriage to an abuser and I didn't fully realize the extent of the abuse until he was out of the house and no longer had to walk on eggshells and could focus on something other than avoiding the hundreds of things that had a way of upsetting him..

I know you have a tough situation....I am still sitting here ...forced out of my home, my car taken away (and totaled), no support, and he is gearing up for a custody fight while he continues to hide income and gear down the business so it barely supports itself....he made 250k last year, and the 2 years before that...and 10 years of 6 figure salaries...now he will take off a month at a time, and blow off booked work to keep his income down. While I try to find a job after being home with the kids for 9+ years...beyond former bosses from 10-20 years ago...I have no non-relative references for job applications.....how scary is that?!?!? I didn't realize what he did until it was too late......I didn't realize how isolated I had been until he had me dangled out on a string scrambling to feed my kids.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Actually my parents are abuzers and I didn't realize it until my seperation. I had blocked out these bad child hood memories. My dad contantly told my husbnad that I had never had a hand laid on me. My parents were continuing to brain wash me. I was trying to get my parents to be proud of me. My mom only cares about animals. Growing up I had nothing while her animals were still there. I mean tons of them. So with my dog business it was the only thing I could do to connect with her, but still she made excuses not to come to my kids birthday parties and to leave presents for the kids at xmas at our garage door because they had to rush to go gambling. 

My dog business allowed me no time to be with my husband uninterrupted. It just was too much and the money really was not worth it.

Yes I have been in Individual counseling. My husband is in his individual counseling and we also go to MC sessions. Our next session is next week


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Wow. She's a total betch.
> 
> And this is why I DO NOT trust women. Especially single women who cavort with married men. TROUBLE!
> 
> Your husband is shady too. He's cheating. The fact that he didn't want you to piss her off tells me VOLUMES. He should be blocking her and telling her to leave him the eff alone. But no. He's worried that she'll be upset...totally disregarding your feelings.


I think in alot of cases women want what other women have...especially single women cavorting with married men.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Actually my parents are abuzers and I didn't realize it until my seperation. I had blocked out these bad child hood memories. My dad contantly told my husbnad that I had never had a hand laid on me. My parents were continuing to brain wash me. I was trying to get my parents to be proud of me. My mom only cares about animals. Growing up I had nothing while her animals were still there. I mean tons of them. So with my dog business it was the only thing I could do to connect with her, but still she made excuses not to come to my kids birthday parties and to leave presents for the kids at xmas at our garage door because they had to rush to go gambling.
> 
> My dog business allowed me no time to be with my husband uninterrupted. It just was too much and the money really was not worth it.
> 
> Yes I have been in Individual counseling. My husband is in his individual counseling and we also go to MC sessions. Our next session is next week


My parents were abusive(verbal, mental) to me too(dad is passed, but my mom still has her days....which is what made my 'protective' husband seem so great....and believe me he picked up on what my mother did/does and used it as an excuse to keep me away from her. 

Violence Wheel - Domestic Violence


From anther post in this thread...


> He is not paying me support money anymore which he never told me he was going to stop, but whne I asked about it he said he was not required to pay naymore because the restraining order was dropped that had the orders in it. He had also just recently (saturday) ask me when I want him to move back in.


Why would he withhold support for his own children and around the same time ask when he was going to move back in? That is also something sending up red flags for me.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> No offense, but FB isn't your problem. Your problem is a husband with poor boundaries, and who apparently values his "once a week" lunches with another woman over his marriage. In fact, FB is the only reason you know about the problem. If she would have texted him, or even messaged him instead of posting on your wall, you'd probably still be in the dark.
> 
> Just my $0.02 worth. My guess is that your husband hasn't been honest with either of you two women with regards to where the relationships are at. So she'd thinks the marriage is over, making him "fair game". And you think he's having lunch with her once a week, and she's just some psycho chick that's chasing him through no fault of his.
> 
> ...


This right here. Every single word of this is on point.


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