# Hobbies/Interests Help PLEASE!



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I need your help coming up with suggestions for new hobbies or interests that my husband and I can do together. We both love the outdoors, both of us are really interested in being active and staying fit, and I'm looking for something not too expensive so we can do it once or twice a week together. Also its meant to build our relationship so it can't be go to movies where we don't interact. Some things we currently enjoy are slow pitch softball and roller blading. I don't like to run and cannot keep up with him on a bike or running. I'd love to even here off the wall things (his turn offs are wine, reading, kareoke so those are out). 

An update on our situation is my husband says he is not happy. When asked point blank if he wants to be married he said about 60% no / 40% yes. I asked him to look at me and tell me he does not love me. He said he can't do that, he still has a lot of love but its not like it was. I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wants to end the marriage. His answer, I can't do that. He is not happy right now and wants things to change but is unwilling or unable to try anything. He expected that the changes I made over the last month to make a difference in how he feels. He said only very little. But he made no changes at all so I asked how he thought anything would change. He did agree to go to therapy (just for him) which starts next week and actually seems to be looking forward to it. He also said to me "I'm afraid to end it, because if I do and I'm wrong then I'm screwed". Yeah, I agreed you are, you can't undo the hurt, things change forever but if that is what you want I will let you go. It was a very mature conversation and no anger, no accusations etc. 

Ok, so I can't leave status quo, he is unhappy right? I know one thing is he's tired of talking and focusing all his energy on talking about these things. Me too. So I decided to try something healthy. #1 (as someone very smart here said stop watching the grass grow) for one month I will not bring up anything related to our relationship, ask him how he feels etc. If he brings it up, we will talk about it. I did not tell him this, I am just doing it. #2 He said he wants some alone time. He called it freedom. (Funny I am one of the easiest people that way...want to have drinks with the boys sure, I'll watch the kids. I've never second guessed him or been suspicious. I never tell him what to do, i.e. if he sleeps in on the weekend, I keep kids quiet, never ask him to do any chores, etc.) So I am making plans to do things that will allow him some alone time on weekends and I am making new friends at the same time. Healthy right. #3 Find hobbies/interests we enjoy together. I asked him how about if we find 2 new hobbies or interests we like to do and do them together. Then you have things you want to do and we carve out time as a family for all four of us. He said yes, he wanted to do that. So this is where I need your help, ideas on hobbies/interests. 

Oh last but not least we have date night and a weekly lunch. He planned Saturday night, when I felt he did not want to be married and wanted alone time I suggested that we cancel it as well as our lunch plans Friday. His reaction suprised me. No! I planned it. I said plans can be changed. He said he wanted to go and was insistent we cancel neither. Ok, I plan to just have fun and put problems aside. I have a sitter planned.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Good...

umm Try Diving...I got into it recently and I love it.
Maybe Skydiving if you got the money.
I want to take my wife horse back riding again....maybe that

Or a weekend of white water rafting.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great list of things you are already doing. Date night, regular lunch….. I think it wise to not push conversations on the relationship. Something my wife and I did early and it gave us breathing room. If one or the other did something that bothered us by all means we had a talk but rehashing the same stuff was just counter productive for us. Giving him some space is a good idea. If he needs that and you dote on him it will drive him further away. A couple of hobbies/interests ideas

My wife and I took ball room dancing lessons for about 4 months. It was great and we had a wonderful time. Just so you know it is likely you will dance with many partners during the lessons and not much with each other. My wife and had weekly practices and we still do on occasion. That is where you can build a little intimacy and really learn how to move as a couple on the dance floor.

Second, find a couple of recipes you like and go to the market together to buy the ingredients for a special meal. Make it a meal that looks good but might be challenge to make. Cook it together and enjoy a bottle of wine and the evening together. It can be a very nice way to spend an evening.

Good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

We like to play tennis...there are usually places (schools, parks, etc.) where it's free as long as they are available. Niether of us are good at it, but we both enjoy it.

The YMCA near us hosts a mini-triatholon every year...it's canoeing, biking and running but you can sign up as a team (families do it together)...We haven't done it but I thought it might be fun.

My husband is a Nascar fan and one of my good friend's fiance races in the supercup so we go watch him race when he's in the area.

We also went to the homecoming football game at NIU, my alma mater (go huskies!)

We went to a comedy club...my husband's first time and he really enjoyed it.

Outdoor concerts/fests.

I like finding local places that rent rowboats or canoes on lakes or rivers. My husband likes to fish and I enjoy sitting in the sun and will fish or read.

As far as shared hobbies, we've been decorating our house and while I come up with ideas and do the wallpaper/painting he has built some beautiful furniture and we both worked together on doing some wainscoating. We are mostly doing our own thing, but doing it together and to me it makes our house feel like our home when I see the things we've done with it.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I did this list with my wife once....

Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

It has a number of ideas in there. Some are for family, some can just be the two of you.

Also, if you go through a list like this together, even if you both look at an idea and think "nah" take a second to let your imagination run free and see if either of you can come up with a way to MAKE it fun. You can work some boring ideas into very fun date nights. Take Astronomy, it may sound boring to both of you, but how about turning your date night into a midnight picnic out under the stars and lay back on a blanket in each others arms and make up your own constellations. Shopping together, turn it into a trip where he also gets to take you into a store like Victoria's Secret to pick out something for you to wear that night. I highly recommend when camping with the whole family to have a sleeping-bag-for-two for you and your husband (even better, bring two tents.) Learning how to cook together can be a very fun time when it involves making a suffle with no clothing, and playing board games or card games is a lot more interesting when adding your own rules. I played Monopoly once where we haggled for each others money or property over removing clothing or giving favors. Not only did we have a great time that night, but we still sneak each other hidden smiles sometimes when we play with the family. 

I admit, I'm a guy so a lot of my imagination takes a distinct turn towards the intimate  but there are plenty of ideas that don't have to go that route. Imagination can change anything ordinary into the extraordinary. I'd bet that just getting your husbands juices flowing and his mind thinking about what might interest him will help. The more things you can come up with and do together the greater connection and happiness he will feel.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

hitrockbottom said:


> Good...
> 
> umm Try Diving...I got into it recently and I love it.
> Maybe Skydiving if you got the money.
> ...


Thanks! Love the white water rafting idea.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Great list of things you are already doing. Date night, regular lunch….. I think it wise to not push conversations on the relationship. Something my wife and I did early and it gave us breathing room. If one or the other did something that bothered us by all means we had a talk but rehashing the same stuff was just counter productive for us. Giving him some space is a good idea. If he needs that and you dote on him it will drive him further away. A couple of hobbies/interests ideas
> 
> My wife and I took ball room dancing lessons for about 4 months. It was great and we had a wonderful time. Just so you know it is likely you will dance with many partners during the lessons and not much with each other. My wife and had weekly practices and we still do on occasion. That is where you can build a little intimacy and really learn how to move as a couple on the dance floor.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice and the suggestions. I love the cooking idea that would work for us. I know that its time to just put it to rest for awhile in terms of talking about it so that is what I am going to do!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

swedish said:


> We like to play tennis...there are usually places (schools, parks, etc.) where it's free as long as they are available. Niether of us are good at it, but we both enjoy it.
> 
> The YMCA near us hosts a mini-triatholon every year...it's canoeing, biking and running but you can sign up as a team (families do it together)...We haven't done it but I thought it might be fun.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the great ideas!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

BlueCreek said:


> I did this list with my wife once....
> 
> Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
> 
> ...


Thanks these are great suggestions! I love your idea turning an ordinary event in to something great with a little imagination.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well I am not sure what good this will do, as I am finding ways to repair this marriage, he is destroying it. Last night after I worked all day, took 100% care of the kids, made dinner and cleaned up with no help offered or given, then took my daughter to gymnastics, when I came home my husband was all showered and ready to go out. He never said he was going out. He said he was getting a drink with the neighbor. No problem. See you later. When he came home at nearly 1am (its a work night) I saw who he came home with, the neighbor, his wife, and the 18 year old bimbo down the street. So when he came in I said "did she go", he said "she went out with Nicole" ok did Nicole and she go with you guys, yep! To a strip club too. So not sure what any shared hobbies will do because his individual ones are what I would call cheating. Isn't that a date? He said that he did not know they were going and can't he have friends. He wanted to go with Jim so what's he supposed to do not go? Uh yeah... I see there is no reasoning with him, he's not the same person I met or knew for 20 years. I'm committed to giving the next 30 days my all, and I my all I think I mean back off and just give him space but take care of me and if there are no improvements or he does this again then at that point I'll ask him to leave. Unfortunately I have to take care of business and I think during that time I will talk to an attorney and have my ducks in a row. I don't deserve this and neither do my children. He spent zero time with them yesterday and this morning its nearly 10am, I know he has to be at work, he's sleeping it off. Who the heck is this guy? My husband was a great dad, not a drinker, and committed as heck. This is a stranger and I'm not sure I even want to be married to him.... the 30 days is for me as well. I'm mad now, and I've learned not to react or say anything in this state but if I feel the same way then I know its the right decision.


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