# How to convince wife to sit down and work out our problems



## tmkj (Dec 17, 2014)

Hi forum,

My first post. I'll try to keep this quick and to the point. Thank you in advance for your stories and advice.

I am a mostly typical American man, and my wife is from a country with a very different culture. Our marriage is mostly happy, but when we argue, it is a huge problem. The reason why it's such a big deal is because nothing ever gets resolved! Arguments are just endless, pointless screaming matches that just fizzle out but never go away, and I feel we never learn from them. Our mutual stubbornness and the seemingly unbridgeable cultural divide between us are the main sources of the issue, it seems to me. The next paragraph explains this last sentence.

Although I said I'm stubborn, I have no trouble apologizing, and can admit when I'm wrong. As a culturally typical American, I see humility, mutual respect, and apologies as the very first, essential step when resolving any conflict. My stubbornness -- and the cultural divide -- comes in when my wife does not approach problem-solving in the same way. She says that where she comes from, it's normal that when spouses fight (and especially if it's a screaming match as most of our arguments devolve into), no one apologizes (and in fact, she claims she's like physically unable to utter apologetic words when she's angry, which I think is complete BS but I digress), and that the way conflicts are resolved is just by dropping them.

Therefore, I am stubborn because I demand the American "apology" system or whatever to resolve conflicts, because for me, when there is a problem, just letting it dissipate is akin to just "bottling it up", which everybody knows is not a sustainable strategy. On the other hand, she is stubborn because the refuses to meet me half way by apologizing or ever admitting even a vanishing modicum of humility or fault in any issue. So in a nutshell, our two styles of conflict resolution are totally incompatible, and both of us seem unable to adopt the other's style, even for the greater good. My wife doesn't want to apologize, and I don't want us to scream at each other for an hour once or twice a week if there are no results.

So that is the situation generally, and despite that my relationship problems may be a bit more acute than most given the cultural divide between my wife and me, this kind of dynamic (i.e., two different styles) is no doubt very common. *So with all that, my question for the forum is: How can you get someone to sit down to rationally discuss issues, or to compromise/identify a strategy that works for you both equally?* I know her, so I know that asking her to sit down and try and figure out something that works for us won't work because she thinks it's ridiculous, and I don't think she'd be able to abandon her sh*t conflict-resolution strategy in the moment anyway. *She will not be swayed by the typical American strategy of sitting down and agreeing to a level-headed, honest discussion like mutually-respecting adults. That is the ONLY thing that I understand really, so what can I do?? Does anyone with intercultural relationship experience have any words of wisdom?* Conflicts in any relationship will inevitably arise over a lifetime, so I can't live with someone with whom I can't redress even the most basic problems.

So there's the issue. Not exactly as concise as I'd hoped, but hopefully it's at least clear, and I appreciate you sticking through it all. Please help me communicate with my wife; I want to do the right thing by her.

Sincerely,

--TMKJ


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to provide your background so that posters can assist you with greater insight. How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have children? What is your cultural background and your wife? Although we call ourselves Americans, we come from different backgrounds and because of these varied backgrounds we may deal with our problems in different ways.

Does your wife work? What are typical everyday events that you need to address? Expand in these areas so that posters can see where you are coming from.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's like you want to argue with your wife about how to argue.

Do you think that sounds as silly as I do?

You should personally be clever enough to avoid screaming matches with your wife 2x per week. 

I think my wife and I have a serious argument about 2x per year. Guess what ? She fights dirty.

In an arugement what I have found works best is when you are done, summarize your position, summarize her position, and then tell her you are done talking about it, and then resume to normal behavior. What she does should not be your concern once you decree the arguement to be over.


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## tmkj (Dec 17, 2014)

Thank you both for your replies.



Roselyn said:


> You need to provide your background so that posters can assist you with greater insight. How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have children? What is your cultural background and your wife? Although we call ourselves Americans, we come from different backgrounds and because of these varied backgrounds we may deal with our problems in different ways.
> 
> Does your wife work? What are typical everyday events that you need to address? Expand in these areas so that posters can see where you are coming from.


Me: I'm from the US, white, middle-class, more or less average in a lot of ways. I work at a university in Korea. I try and be a really honest, understanding, and tolerant person, but I draw the line at being walked on or having my opinions be discounted. I admit that sometimes I can be a bit oversensitive about that.

Her: She's Korean (I avoided mentioning this before because sometimes people use that info to stereotype unhelpfully and unfairly, but if you think it is necessary then there ya go). She is a graduate student currently, but has professional aspirations, and is very ambitious, hard-working, and super intelligent. However, she is a bit strong-headed, and sometimes is overly confident in what she thinks she knows about people and the world.

Us: We are both in our late 20's, both educated, no kids, no religion. We've only been married for like 6 months, but even since before marriage the cultural and interpersonal issues from my first post have periodically plagued our relationship.



Hicks said:


> It's like you want to argue with your wife about how to argue.
> 
> Do you think that sounds as silly as I do?
> 
> You should personally be clever enough to avoid screaming matches with your wife 2x per week.


We're not arguing so much about _how to argue_, but _how to redress problems_ - a subtle but important difference. I don't care about arguing; I want to _resolve_ arguments so that we don't need to have the same ones again and again.

I really don't think it's fair to boil this issue down to simply "not being clever enough". Instead, it's that the behavior that _my wife_ thinks is appropriate during and after an argument is totally different from what _I_ think is appropriate. It's different styles, so the question is how to reconcile them.



Hicks said:


> In an arugement what I have found works best is when you are done, summarize your position, summarize her position, and then tell her you are done talking about it, and then resume to normal behavior. What she does should not be your concern once you decree the arguement to be over.


This strategy assumes that over the course of an argument, points are made and respectfully listened to by both parties. Thus, at the end of an argument, both sides are summarized as you say, thereby tacitly acknowledging each other's points. If only it were that easy!!!

All my wife wants to do is scream at me, and from where I sit, she never takes responsibility for our problems. Because she never sees herself as part of the problem, that means the problem is always me, which makes her disinclined to value what I have to say to begin with. I don't think she would care about my summary when she thinks it's crap to begin with. I really can't think of a single time she's ever conceded to any wrongdoing in any argument, and we've been together for 5 years. How can one reason with such a person????


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

This may sound silly to some, but have you tried writing her a letter? I know that when I have something to say, if I think my husband is going to interrupt me or scream about it, I write it down for him to read, then he can respond as he wishes. Sometimes we will argue through texts only to avoid the screaming and so we can get complete thoughts out. It may not be conventional, but it works.

Good luck to you


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You mixed up my post with Hicks. I have questions and Hicks have statements.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm a university professor in the U.S. Are you both graduate students? If you are, that could explain your competitive spirit. Stop screaming at each other when fighting. Neither one will have empathy for each other. It definitely is not academic nor logical in your world. Act like educated people in your home. Mutual respect for each other can go a long way.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

See it in the way of a power struggle. People yell and scream over each other in order to assert their will/perception/point/opinion upon the other.

If you want to change this dynamic in your relationship, do not give into the power struggle. Many men will either fire back or give in and shut down. Both of these methods are a means of which you put yourself in a scenario where you lose and nothing gets resolved and where resentment and bitterness can take hold.

Set a boundary that yelling is unacceptable in your marriage. Lead this by not reacting to her attention-getting actions or raised voice. Like with a 3 year old, BE CONSISTENT with telling her, "I will discuss this only when you will talk to me respectfully." Say this calmly and coolly. Do not act exhausted or be dramatic or be sad or be mad...just be stable, strong, and calm water. If she escalates, starts throwing stuff or physically hits you...then tell her to leave. Simple as that. You have to really steel yourself with this, because she will test you and test you. But handle this now, or years down the road, or you will be a beaten man.

Don't try to appeal to her conscience...by trying to overlay your values over hers. Just EXAMPLE what you expect your marriage to be like over and over until she either falls in line or doesn't. At the same time, give her plenty of room to talk or vent (as long as it isn't disrespectful) so that she feels like she is being heard and understood. Don't let her unchecked emotions or voice rattle you...don't show her that they make you anxious...and certainly don't get in the habit of appeasing her to avoid conflict! Be strong for your wife, be consistent, and set the pace...and her respect may very well increase.

I also suggest reading Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most.


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## tmkj (Dec 17, 2014)

Kresaera said:


> This may sound silly to some, but have you tried writing her a letter? I know that when I have something to say, if I think my husband is going to interrupt me or scream about it, I write it down for him to read, then he can respond as he wishes. Sometimes we will argue through texts only to avoid the screaming and so we can get complete thoughts out. It may not be conventional, but it works.


Thanks for suggestion -- certainly an out-of-the-box idea! When you say "write a letter", do you mean like texting to each other in real-time? Or you write down on a note what you want to say, he reads it, then responds with words, so on and so forth? Or else, do you mean that after the dust settles, you compose what you wanted to get out during the argument in a letter and give it to him afterwards to think about? The latter sounds much more practical to me.



Roselyn said:


> You mixed up my post with Hicks. I have questions and Hicks have statements.


So I did haha, I was copying-and-pasting. Corrected!



Roselyn said:


> Stop screaming at each other when fighting. Neither one will have empathy for each other. It definitely is not academic nor logical in your world. Act like educated people in your home. Mutual respect for each other can go a long way.


THIS is the exact message that my wife needs to hear, not me. It is _she_ who instigates the screaming, every single time. _I_ don't want to scream at her; it's totally unproductive and aggravates tensions. Unfortunately, I feel like when I tell her this, it falls on deaf ears (although intelligent, I would not say she is particularly rational or sensible when angry...). Or if it doesn't fall on deaf ears, she doesn't really put it into practice. So our arguments just escalate into screaming matches where no one listens to the other (though I at least try to listen to her, and I do tell her when she's right about something or whenever I agree; she never does the same for me, though I'm obviously not wrong about everything 100% of the time...).

So what ELSE can I tell her? Or what other strategies are there that a pig-headed woman might respond to?


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

tmkj said:


> Thanks for suggestion -- certainly an out-of-the-box idea! When you say "write a letter", do you mean like texting to each other in real-time? Or you write down on a note what you want to say, he reads it, then responds with words, so on and so forth? Or else, do you mean that after the dust settles, you compose what you wanted to get out during the argument in a letter and give it to him afterwards to think about? The latter sounds much more practical to me.


I've done all 3 actually  He works 3rd shift, so a lot of the time, he is sleeping or working when I get upset or frustrated with something and so he literally isn't available to argue with. In those times, I will get out my notebook and pen and write him a letter. I'll leave it on the table before I got to bed and we will talk about it when he gets home and reads it. 

We have also had entire arguments over text messages before. Usually this happens when he is working and I'm not sleeping. 

And the latter is the most effective. To have the argument, then after everything is said and done, write down a summary of what you were trying to say as opposed to what you did say. Encourage her to do the same, but don't make a big deal about it if she doesn't at first. Just hand her your letter and walk away.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When the screaming starts, do not engage. Turn around and walk out the door.

Does her cultural programming prohibit apologizing at a later time? Apologizing in the heat of anger may seem disingenuous to her. Then again, if she sincerely thinks she is never wrong - that is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. Is there such a thing as an annulment of marriage in Korea?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

tmkj said:


> Thanks for suggestion -- certainly an out-of-the-box idea! When you say "write a letter", do you mean like texting to each other in real-time? Or you write down on a note what you want to say, he reads it, then responds with words, so on and so forth? Or else, do you mean that after the dust settles, you compose what you wanted to get out during the argument in a letter and give it to him afterwards to think about? The latter sounds much more practical to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If you two are arguing, you are contributing to the argument also. I highly doubt her yelling just comes out of nowhere, and you are an innocent bystander. 

What are YOU doing to contribute to the arguments? I guarantee it's something. Might not feel like something to you, but SHE sees something, and her view is just as valid as yours.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can tell her you want to talk about something that is weighing on you and ask her to meet you halfway. Tell her how it makes you feel when she does X and how you guys should work at reaching a compromise.

She will either hear you out and make a plan to meet you halfway (and actually do it, or she won't). 

It's up to her if she wants to do that. You can't make her. But you can talk to her calmly/respectfully.

I feel for you. I was with someone who never apologized for anything. It is soul-sucking and doesn't feel like a partnership.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can't reason with her and can't get her to see your point of view.
This applies to american women too.
That's why you have to avoid arguing and just stop most of your arguments.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Before I get flamed, I mean that in the heat of the argument most people are not looking to understand the other's point of view.
That's why you reiterate your point of view and stop arguing about it. In the future you will observe if she is affected by your point of view.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> You can't reason with her and can't get her to see your point of view.
> This applies to american women too.
> That's why you have to avoid arguing and just stop most of your arguments.


I would respectfully disagree. I think what is lost many times in these situations is the consequence. In other word the OP is arguing and wanting a resolution the wife doesn't care about a resolution or apology, why cause she has no need to give one.

OP I think the easiest solution to the problem is work with a counselor , possibly one who understands Korean culture, to work you both through how to communicate properly to one another. Notice I said Both cause you are arguing too just giving a better resolution.

How to get to to the counseling is simple you have to have a consequence. So you say, calmly, that this style of communication isn't healthy and we need to go to someone to get help. If she says no then you say you won't live like this and move out, if even temporary. Without the consequence she has no motivation to improve because she doesn't see the issue.


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