# I found out my wife has been having an ongoing emotional and physical affair. She has also been struggling with depression, anxiety.



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

My wife of 1 year has been having an emotional and physical affair with a guy from work, this started before we were even married , she said the first time it got physical was 2 years ago.

I found out from the AP's long time girlfriend last month, not my wife. I confronted my wife and she came clean because she knew I had proof with a huge amount of text messages that were very detailed.

Since I met my wife about 5 years ago she has struggled with anxiety, depression, PTSD from childhood, and alcohol problems. At the beginning of August she attempted to take a bunch of anxiety meds when she had come home late with a BAC of double the legal limit (around .2) . She was hospitalized for a few days where I stayed by her side. 

This all stemmed from the drama behind me finding out about the affair, and her still dealing with how to handle it with work and the affair partner. A huge mess for someone with anxiety and depression, and for me. She has been out of the hospital for 3 weeks, she told me she wants to see if we can make it work between us, but it is very complicated. With the affair , just dealing with that for myself had been terrible, yet she doesn't want to talk about it and gets overwhelmed very quickly when I even start a conversation about little parts of dealing with this slowly, so we really haven't made any progress. 

She says she's done with the affair partner , but I know they are in contact at work everyday, and in her mind, leaving her job is not in the cards right now, which is okay with me for the time being but I don't think our marriage will work in the long run with her still there at night (a restaurant) all week long and the affair partner being there, it's also just not a good environment for her in general- restaurant being a late night deal with drinking and partying going hand in hand with the lifestyle. We have a 3 year old son and this also makes things a little more complicated of course. I have put the affair stuff kind of on the back burner and just asked her to tell me if she is going to have contact that is innappropriate with this guy or any other man, but can I really trust anything she says at this point ? I don't really think so, so many lies have been told to me. 

I'm trying to let her get her head right and get the anxiety and depression and alcohol under control but am afraid we are just slipping back to how things were with a slightly different context or starting point. I guess I am just asking for any tips or any advice on what I should do and if any more information is needed to give more context just ask, anything helps, even just writing this made me feel a little better. I'm struggling to find constructive outlets to receive advice . Thanks !


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

IntoNature90 said:


> I don't think our marriage will work in the long run


I'd say you are correct. And all this drama and histrionics is horse$hit. It started before you were married, and it AIN'T YOUR PROBLEM. Get a lawyer, get your son away from her as much as possible, and get loose from her. She is going to bring you nothing but a continual heartache, and she is going to strongly influence your son to have emotional and psychological problems.

That's my advice, and do the 180 Chump-Lady style:

*THE 180 Chump-Lady Style*


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Document the hell out of all this and find yourself an aggressive lawyer.
She is toxic in all aspects. 
With this history, I would recommend a DNA on the child.
Get her out of your life. As mentioned, implement the 180 and let your attorney deal with it.
If he is your child, protect him. You may have a case for full custody.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Well, lets get some advice. File for divorce. That is the bottom line. 

I am sorry she is mentally ill, but the problem is, it is not your problem. She has cheated on you since before you were married. 

What exactly do you have to save here. 

Look, I think I am much older than you, I have lived some of what you are going through. You cannot FIX other people. You need to work on yourself, as soon as you get divorced. 

You seem very confused about what a healthy relationship looks like. You seem very codependent, and you really seem to have the knight in shining armor syndrome (KISA). 

You need to get into therapy and figure out 1) why you picked this women, and 2) how not to pick her next time. 

File and move on...


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Under a year, honeymoon period soiled by her infidelity. I frankly do not care if she has mental issues, tell her that her affair is a deal breaker, and you cannot continue this marriage knowing that the vows were broken before they were uttered. If she has a breakdown, so be it, she has earned it. Get away from this **** show. Find a good woman. What you have is very far from a good woman. I would let her know so.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s never going to work out.
Your going to spend the rest of your life “chasing a solution”
Your using an approach of timid fear instead of taking control and action. Givin your opening statement I’m guessing you don’t have the correct personality type to correctly handle this situation.

Ive seen this play out hundreds of times on here.

Do yourself a GIANT favor and divorce that tramp immediately.....


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I wouldn't stay...this is just ridiculous.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Thanks to all for the advice. And I agree


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You married a broken person who will likely keep giving herself to this other guy, who she was banging at the same time she was banging you. People like this need constant attention from the opposite sex (or whatever sex they go for) in order to get validation. This will never change.

Get out.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> My wife of 1 year has been having an emotional and physical affair with a guy from work, this started before we were even married , she said the first time it got physical was 2 years ago.


I stopped reading after this. You have nothing more to think about here considering the timeline. You can’t fix her. Not your job. Your job is your 3 year old. Don’t expose this child to anymore of this. File for D and Go for primary custody.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Contrary to popular opinion, your marriage does not have to end. There is a good chance that it should... but there is also a chance that it won't have to. That mostly depends on your wife. If she is willing to own her infidelity and own her mental illness, then you have a chance. 

When your wife came clean, did she tell you everything? Or just what you already knew? There is a big difference there. Some people may suggest a polygraph... It's not an option for you. No decent examiner will test someone who is mentally ill. Sure you _might_ get a parking lot confession but if you don't, your wife will know your "threats" are empty. 

So, first things first, your wife MUST get into individual therapy. If she won't do that then your marriage is over. Why? Because if she doesn't fix the issues that led to this it WILL happen again. She cannot just say it won't happen again. She has to go in and fix the part of her that chose to do this. Even without the affair, she still needed therapy for her anxiety, depression, PTSD, childhood issues, and issues with self-medicating (alcohol). Btw, that therapy isn't just a few sessions and she's all better. It's for months, years, or the rest of her life. 

You need to set boundaries for yourself. If she is not willing to go to therapy and fix these issues, then you are not willing to be married to her. You have the right to feel safe from infidelity and that will never happen as long as her issues remain unresolved. 

Your wife MUST find a new job. No exceptions. As long as she is working with the AP then the affair is still ongoing and you will never be able to move on. It also doesn't sound like a healthy work environment for her anyway, given the alcohol issues. Let's be real, she works in a restaurant. She can find a new job. What was her reasoning for finding not being able to? It is quite possibly just an excuse to stay near her AP and take things underground. 

Your wife MUST write you a timeline of the affair. This can be as detailed as you want. Some people need to know _everything_, some people don't. Alternatively, have her write two timelines, one more detailed than the other. Your wife must also write the AP a no-contact letter. 

As for not trusting her... no ****! She has proven that she is a liar and an untrustworthy person. You would be a fool to trust anything coming out of her mouth right now. She has to earn your trust back by acting in a trustworthy way. Her words and actions need to match. Trusting her again will (and should) take a long time. 

You should BOTH read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It will show you what your wife should be doing. 

For your own wellbeing, you need to find a therapist who specializes in infidelity trauma (no marriage counseling). You need to get STD tested and you need to DNA test your son. Even if you are SURE he is yours, test him anyway. It will be a wakeup call for your wife. It will show her how much she destroyed the marriage and how little you trust her (which should be not at all right now). 

Read about the 180 and do it. You can file for divorce as well. It may scare your wife into action and the process can always be stopped.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Listen dude: I din't even passed reading the first few lines. YOU need to man up here, and fast. Your first action at hand is to get an attorney's professional input into your particular situation to see where you stand legally in a divorce, because, dude, you shouldn't wait one more minute to file for divorce. The longer you wait, the worse your situation will get. That's a given. Your wife might be mentality ill, but I can guarantee you that she knows what's she's doing. Your child needs a better environment other than a mentally ill mother to take care of him. 

Now is not the time for whimpering, and faltering in indecisiveness. It is time for actions.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

bobert said:


> Contrary to popular opinion, your marriage does not have to end. There is a good chance that it should... but there is also a chance that it won't have to. That mostly depends on your wife. If she is willing to own her infidelity and own her mental illness, then you have a chance.
> 
> When your wife came clean, did she tell you everything? Or just what you already knew? There is a big difference there. Some people may suggest a polygraph... It's not an option for you. No decent examiner will test someone who is mentally ill. Sure you _might_ get a parking lot confession but if you don't, your wife will know your "threats" are empty.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for such a thorough response


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> Your wife might be mentality ill, but I can guarantee you that she knows what's she's doing.


Correct. She knows right from wrong. She is just another selfish, entitled, lying cheater. That's all. In my opinion, such a person is an unfit parent. Get your kid away from her.

If she needs professional mental health consultation, let her pony up all the money, do all the driving, in her car, on her gas, paying her own insurance. You'll be quite surprised how quickly the need for that goes away.

If divorced people want to re-marry, they don't need any judge, lawyers, mediators, etc. All they need to do is get a license and find a JP.

I advise you to move on the divorce and custody NOW. If, in 3 or 4 years, she has proven herself trustworthy, no boyfriends AT ALL --- then you can make your plans.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

IntoNature90 said:


> Thanks so much for such a thorough response


You should go read bobert’s thread before you consider that approach. Everything he said is true but let’s get honest...... she isn’t worth that effort. Your setting yourself up for a repeat disaster and a huge amount of money spent ...... on a skank.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if she gave you HIV ?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

IntoNature90 said:


> Thanks so much for such a thorough response


Dude: YOU are grasping at straws here. Hopium will not give you that which you desire. You better wake up to reality.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> Contrary to popular opinion, your marriage does not have to end. There is a good chance that it should... but there is also a chance that it won't have to. That mostly depends on your wife. If she is willing to own her infidelity and own her mental illness, then you have a chance.


Dear Bobert, such a kind and forgiving man you are.
Truly...

_Kind_, rarely lines up with _practical_, no matter how much and how hard you twist the meanings of each.

.................................................
That said...

OP is one year into a marriage, at least three years into this relation_ship_.

Her _ship _sank, OP needs to sail over the horizon to a better, that (far off) sunset.


_King Brian-_


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> You should go read bobert’s thread before you consider that approach. Everything he said is true but let’s get honest...... she isn’t worth that effort. Your setting yourself up for a repeat disaster and a huge amount of money spent ...... on a skank.
> 
> Wouldn’t it be awesome if she gave you HIV ?


It's for him to decide if she's worth the time, money, and effort, not you. 

@IntoNature90, I'll sum my situation up for you. While my wife and I were "dating" (hardly, honestly) she had an off and on affair for two years. In reality, that guy was her primary relationship and I was just a technicality. We moved in together, their affair "ended". They had sex three times between me proposing and us saying "I do". Two weeks after the wedding she started sleeping with the AP again, off and on for the first two years of our marriage. Had a child with him. She switched to another AP and had an off and on PA for 10 years. More off than it was on, but still, 10 years. 

She has a lot of childhood issues and mental health issues (anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more). After I found out about the above she attempted suicide with medications. She has been in therapy ever since. She isn't the same person she was two years ago. A lot of people (probably most people) will not work on themselves... it's too hard. I already said it's unlikely you can "save" this... I'm just saying it's possible and you deserve to hear both sides, not just hear "divorce her, problem solved" over and over.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cut and run.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if she wants to change, she may not. Many don’t or can’t or won’t. That’s reality. The problem is that children see many things they shouldn’t, They are the innocent parties in the chaos of their parents’ dysfunctional marriage and the damage is often very hard to get beyond. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you and your child. And don’t be tempted to bring another innocent life into this while you’re deciding. You have enough to deal with as it is.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

First of all i am sorry you are going through this but i am with the other poster here, she is playing you and for her to even mention how she wants to make it work...I call BS on that, its not her place to want to make it work she is trying to write your narrative, i would tell her that you decide if you want to stay in this marriage not her, and frankly i would drop her off at her parents door and tell them she is al yours...i would expose this at their work place and i would expose her to her parents and friends and then file.. you are no one doormat.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Tdbo said:


> I would recommend a DNA on the child.




Do this.


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

You sound young...so you've got your entire life ahead of you. Don't walk, but run...with your son...out of the sham of a marriage. The first few years of a marriage are called a honeymoon for a reason...they will be full of love and lust, but for each other. If she's already cheated, it will happen over and over the longer you stay marriage. I believe in second chances, but you're way past that.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Quite often as I read these threads I come across Alcohol, which I simply don't have the experience to understand. So my question is was this a suicide attempt, A one time self medication attempt? or part of an ongoing pattern of alcoholism?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You've got nothing here.

Go for an annulment based on fraud.

There is nothing complicated about this. She is a POS.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I also think you should get a DNA test done on your child.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> Quite often as I read these threads I come across Alcohol, which I simply don't have the experience to understand. So my question is was this a suicide attempt, A one time self medication attempt? or part of an ongoing pattern of alcoholism?


In June she was prescribed anxiety medication, she's been struggling with alcoholism and dangerous behavior like drinking and driving for years . More intensely within the past year or so . She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair, wanting to drive off the road and what not . She said it started as her wanting to make an anxiety attack stop and then taking the rest of a bottle to make all of this stop forever- all of the turmoil and the anxiety and her depression and so on. She had her meds switched around in the hospital and is scheduled to see a therapist next week.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Just wanted to add for the thread that I am in no way against filing for a divorce ive met with 2 lawyers already , I am just simply reaching out to get some additional perspective but in no way am going to let this continue without an incredible effort from her and extreme changes . It is a month today since I found out about the affair and was not trying to make snap decisions during crisis. Thank you all again for your thoughts .


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I actually don't have further advice. Thanks for the clarification. An end to the affair will lower her overall stress eventually. Leaving the job may be necessary to treat the underlying alcoholism..


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> They had sex three times between me proposing and us saying "I do". Two weeks after the wedding she started sleeping with the AP again, off and on for the first two years of our marriage. Had a child with him. She switched to another AP and had an off and on PA for 10 years. More off than it was on, but still, 10 years.


Holy crap. I'm so sorry.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> Just wanted to add for the thread that I am in no way against filing for a divorce ive met with 2 lawyers already , I am just simply reaching out to get some additional perspective but in no way am going to let this continue without an incredible effort from her and extreme changes . It is a month today since I found out about the affair and was not trying to make snap decisions during crisis. Thank you all again for your thoughts


Divorce takes awhile. You can initiate, file and then see what she does. her reaction will tell you a lot. It will also put you back in control of your life. As it is, you're just putting yourself under the power of a mentally unstable person right now and dithering.

People will tell you "there's no rush" to make a decision. That's true, but what no ever says is "there's no need to drag your feet either when things are so clear cut." I had a bunch of people giving me the "there's no rush" advice. What I wish I'd had was someone like the future me in 2020 saying "dude, come on now, rip the band aid off here. If she turns into a saint, you'll know and then you can decide if she's worth it. But get yourself clear of this."


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

IntoNature90 said:


> In June she was prescribed anxiety medication, she's been struggling with alcoholism and dangerous behavior like drinking and driving for years . More intensely within the past year or so . She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair, wanting to drive off the road and what not . She said it started as her wanting to make an anxiety attack stop and then taking the rest of a bottle to make all of this stop forever- all of the turmoil and the anxiety and her depression and so on. She had her meds switched around in the hospital and is scheduled to see a therapist next week.


sooner or later you need to walk away from her destructive behavior, you can't someone who wants to destroy themselves, you are apt to be taken down with them. this is not the time to be a shining knight for her, she clearly does not love you or respect you so why stay, you are in love with your image of her in your head, but that image does not exist in reality. i would have made it clear to her that she does not deserve you, nor your loyalty any more.....and you could never trust her again.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Divorce. People that are mentally ill rarely get better. It can be a sad, tragic story. But also do you want to chain yourself to someone like this for life, and experience their mental disorder until death do you part? You're what, 3 years in? Imagine 30. You're hair will either be gone or grey. 

And I'd make sure both sets of parents know why the divorce is happening. Your wife clearly has no issues with lying to you, so I'd guess she'd lie to her parents and say something like you were controlling, maybe even abusive! And in divorce proceedings that can turn an already messy divorce into war. 

Also, you mentioned you're already seeing divorce attorneys. Not sure if you're doing the Soprano approach, but be careful with that. If the divorce Judge learns that you saw all the best divorce attorneys in the city so your potential ex-wife couldn't use them....I don't think Judges look too kindly on that. 

Secondly, while meeting with the attorneys, I'd suggest asking about child support. It could be that if the child is not yours, and you live in the right state, you can get out of child support. 
Other states though typically have a 1-year window, and it sounds like the child is over 1? So it's possible that ship has sailed, and you're the daddy regardless of biology. 
But if you can get out of child support, I'd say go for it.

And if it turns out you can't get out of child support because it's too late, I would say be careful with paternity testing. 
It's a Pandora box. 
If you want to go for primary custody, I'd say don't test. It's something you can never unknow. And will only hurt you in the long. 
Otherwise, I'd say for got it. If you want to know if the child is yours before pursuing any kind of custody, testing is a good idea. Or maybe you'll find out the child isn't yours and not pursue any custody. 

Also, I don't know how courts treat biology when it comes to custody. I know they don't care about biology when it comes to paying the bill, but custody is another battle entirely. And could make it difficult to pursue custody. Again, all questions for your lawyers.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Thumos said:


> Holy crap. I'm so sorry.


Thumos, you are new here. Bobert's situation was months and months of investment/advice by many of us on TAM. It was probably the worst situation I've ever seen in my 9 years on this site, and while I totally disagree with the decision he made at the end, his experience and intelligence gives him some amazing perspective and I'm glad he's stuck around to help people. When you have a whole afternoon, you perhaps read up on his journey. It's devastating.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Mental health problems are awful and all, I've known plenty of people with them, but none of them used them as an excuse for bad behaviour. She needs help that you cannot give her, nor should you try. You can't save her, she will just drag you down with her. I'm sorry but it really sounds like this relationship was doomed from the start.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Just tried to read back because I'm not sure what I saw. Did you say she's an alcoholic? If so then what I said before only multiplied, exponentially.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> It's devastating.


It's also _extremely_ embarrassing. I was a ****ing fool and an overly emotional asshole who desperately needed to learn how to control his anger and grow up. That's a work in progress. Sometimes I look at a random page and cringe reading it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You've got nothing here.
> 
> Go for an annulment based on fraud.
> 
> There is nothing complicated about this. She is a POS.


No, she is wounded in body, and her spirit hath slipped into the bottle.
She is that Genie, a lost and wayward, wet wisp of a wife.

Drugs and alcohol are excuses.
Our minds are such delicate organisms.

We are all capable of falling, drugs can be that catalyst, that push into madness.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You need to explore an annulment since this marriage was not entered into correctly by this fraud of a so-called wife.

Lawyer up, steel your heart, and get checked for STDs. Sever all financial links with her.
Her mental problems are not yours to handle.

Move on!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IntoNature90 said:


> In June she was prescribed anxiety medication, she's been struggling with alcoholism and dangerous behavior like drinking and driving for years . More intensely within the past year or so . She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair, wanting to drive off the road and what not . She said it started as her wanting to make an anxiety attack stop and then taking the rest of a bottle to make all of this stop forever- all of the turmoil and the anxiety and her depression and so on. She had her meds switched around in the hospital and is scheduled to see a therapist next week.


Drinking and driving is completely inexcusable, she could easily kill her son or someone else, why havent they banned her? I hope you have banned her from driving with your son in the car. I suspect that some of the anxiety is due to the double life she has been living with the lying and cheating on you for 2 years, and she even married you knowing that she had another man.sheesh.
Sorry but the depression and anxiety is NO excuse to act the way she does. I fear for your son growing up with a mother like her. 
One thing that you must insist on is that she leaves her job now. An alcoholic working in a bar?????Plus she is still seeing him daily and may well still be cheating.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Do this.


Her saying 2 yrs physical was to throw you off hoping you will not DNA the child. It has been going for longer that 2 yrs. Keep that in mind...she has been doing this guy for over 2 yrs. How many of her co-workers know and agged them on. Were any of them supposedly your friwnd too and did not say a word.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

IntoNature90 said:


> She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair


It’s common for them to say that if they think your getting close to leaving


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Pathetic excuses, she'll be cuckolding you for the rest of your life if you do not leave now. She does not take responsibility for any of her actions hence your chance of reconciliation is zero.

Unless you are content with being a cuckold, enough is enough, you can not build a future with this woman.


----------



## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

Not buying the mental health issue excuse. 

I'm a triple cocktail of mental disorder messiness. Do you know why I didn't get better for so long? 

I chose not to because I didn't feel I had to take responsibility for my actions. I liked having the legitimate excuse that I was traumatized and broken and oh so fragile - it got people to make concessions for me. I could mess up and be selfish and people would be more understanding because of my issues. 

I didn't hold myself responsible because I was getting benefits from remaining tragic and broken. 

She didn't cheat because she's fragile or ill - she cheated because she is merely continuing to do what she wants to do and she expects everyone else to understand and be long-suffering with her. 

She continues to drink because she is more interested in gratifying herself than she is in facing her issues. 

She has choices and her playing fragile tragic princess is only serving to make you take on the role of parent. 

Notice how everyone is saying the marriage can be saved IF she does something. IF you demand things from her. IF you set firm boundaries in order to shock her into adulthood. 

Why is the onus on you to inspire or ignite change? Why must you do all these things?

Telling her she must do x,y,z is a moot point. You're not a high school counselor giving her a behavioral goals chart. 

She is choosing to remain in her fragility. 

Her cheating is merely a result of her failing to address her issues. 

She is abusive and being broken doesn't give her a free pass.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Advice....easy....divorce and start over. Honesty is absent from her dna. You deserve far better and staying with her really exposes you to a high probability of a repeat performance. No kids....no brainer....divorce and move forward.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing -- YOU cannot fix her mental illness. It needs professionals and LOTS of work on her side for counseling, making sure she takes her meds, makes sure that when things happen, she calls her counselors, etc.. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING you can fix. Just understand that. As much as you want to help, and you can HELP her, but you cannot fix this.

One other thing -- DO NOT ignore her saying she feels like just driving off the road to kill herself. What if this comes to her while your child is in the car? You need to take some precautions here.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You must have been told no to decide hastily, however, that refers to the decision - reconcile or divorce. Actions such as telling the other man's wife/girlfriend, quitting the job, no contact, getting a detailed timeline to verify veracity, her getting tested for STDs, transparency of devices/accounts - should be done immediately.

This is a guy she cares so much about that she had him a year before your marriage and never ended after marriage. He was aware of the whole truth, but you were living in a false reality. You were the third wheel, not him, despite the marriage. He was the number one relationship, not yours. And she can't just turn off those deep feelings for him.

Consider the reality here. I am aware you want a reconciliation outcome, and your wife's lying to you, still, about how she feels about him vs. you, is causing you to live in a false reality. You can't see inside her head, but her actions, then and now, can enlighten there.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Suicide threats should be taken seriously should be dealt with by professionals. If she threatens suicide call 911 and you may need to have her committed for a few days.


----------



## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

OP, do you have an issue with guilt? 

It feels like something in your past placed you in a caretaker position when it was not your responsibility. Most likely a parent 

What about her are you scared to lose? Or are you clinging to a faux loyalty to your now one-sided vows out of duty and fear? 

Think about this, you are playing Russian roulette with your child's life. Pulling the trigger by not acting and protecting yourself from her based on a gamble that she MIGHT change. That she MIGHT see the light. That she MIGHT be able to give you remorse and you can both have a happy marriage. 

Do you know what you are exposing your child to? Little ones' minds are like a sponge, they absorb everything. He is being exposed to his mother's recklessness and abuse. Her intent and motivations do not outweigh the long term impacts her abuse will have. 

You can't love her into getting help and taking it seriously. You can't love her into seeing how much she is hurting you. 

This is abuse and by choosing to stay, you are condoning her exposure of all of this instability and abuse to your son. 

If you don't care to protect yourself and want to romanticize long-suffering masochism, then do it for that precious child who needs you. His needs are legitimate. His needs are something you are responsible for.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You really haven’t had a marriage with her. She has been cheating on you from the start.

Watch out for your kid. There have been quite a few unstable parents take their kids with them in a suicide attempt.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

IntoNature90 said:


> In June she was prescribed anxiety medication, she's been struggling with alcoholism and dangerous behavior like drinking and driving for years . More intensely within the past year or so . She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair, wanting to drive off the road and what not . She said it started as her wanting to make an anxiety attack stop and then taking the rest of a bottle to make all of this stop forever- all of the turmoil and the anxiety and her depression and so on. She had her meds switched around in the hospital and is scheduled to see a therapist next week.


@IntoNature90 so sorry you are dealing with this. The truth is if you have an addict on your hands then all manner of things you have to deal with including infidelity, risky behaviour, ****ty fall out.
You have to not only consider yourself but your children, is this the life you want for them. Marriages are hard work usually even with two mentally/emotionally healthy adults. If she is not willing to put in the work needed to get over her addictions/alcoholism, own her **** and take action then there is no point in you hanging around to clean up her messes, and live firefighting, it will eventually kill you.
I suggest you get counselling for yourself to work through your own thoughts, needs and wants.
Go see a lawyer for some advice.
Give your wife a deadline, ask for timeline, set up a polygraph. Give her x months to sort herself out, have the lawyer on standby.

What do you really want? Do you want to live a life like this?


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Truly thanks to everyone for the responses, it honestly means a lot to me that people want to help and for the real and right reasons. I read and took each one to heart and will re read. Thank yoh


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds to me like she needs to get in therapy for all the problems she has if she's not already. It doesn't sound like she's very amenable to communicating with you enough to help you much. I don't think you can believe what she says so getting promises from her isn't going to amount to much.

it would probably decrease her anxiety if she just wasn't working at that restaurant and it seems to me that she should be able to find a different restaurant job. but with PTSD and anxiety and depression, please tell me she's already been in therapy with a psychologist.

This is above your paygrade.


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Well so sorry with what you have to deal with. I do have a question for you, have any of the lawyers suggested an annulment rather that a D? I ask as it was going on prior to the wedding and after the proposal all the way through. There was never a real commitment for a monogamous relationship. Your marriage is built on a lie.
Also the thought of the DNA check, may be a good idea even if you are on the birth certificate. This is really for a peace of mind. Also were you tested for STDs and STIs?.
R or D? I feel she has issues but is unwilling to change; you have to look after yourself and your #1 priority is the child! He is the most innocent party in this.
Your WW has to be responsible for her actions, the FOO issues may or may not be a contributing factor. But if caught in a DUI regardless, she is held accountable. You can't fix everything.
One day at a time
Buffer


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

QuickerPickerUpper said:


> OP, do you have an issue with guilt?
> 
> It feels like something in your past placed you in a caretaker position when it was not your responsibility. Most likely a parent
> 
> ...


My father was exactly like her and did this to my mom for many years and I find myself doing the same thing my mother did,who I obviously idolized, so you are correct and hit the nail on the head. Trying to overcome those issues in this situation and making that cycle stop here . Thank you


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Buffer said:


> Well so sorry with what you have to deal with. I do have a question for you, have any of the lawyers suggested an annulment rather that a D? I ask as it was going on prior to the wedding and after the proposal all the way through. There was never a real commitment for a monogamous relationship. Your marriage is built on a lie.
> Also the thought of the DNA check, may be a good idea even if you are on the birth certificate. This is really for a peace of mind. Also were you tested for STDs and STIs?.
> R or D? I feel she has issues but is unwilling to change; you have to look after yourself and your #1 priority is the child! He is the most innocent party in this.
> Your WW has to be responsible for her actions, the FOO issues may or may not be a contributing factor. But if caught in a DUI regardless, she is held accountable. You can't fix everything.
> ...


Yes the second lawyer I talked to who I'm going to use has said an annulment is probably a better option if we can make certain factors clear in court and may give me better luck at receiving full custody of my son. I haven't had a DNA but I'm pretty certain he is mine, he is my clone , almost identical to me at his age. I know that's not definitive but I would maybe get one if the lawyer recomended it and like others have said to show my WW that I don't trust anything possibly. Even if he wasn't mine somehow I wouldn't care , he is everything to me . I will be getting an STD test for sure


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds to me like she needs to get in therapy for all my problems she has if she's not already. It doesn't sound like she's very amenable to communicating with you enough to help you much. I don't think you can believe what she says so getting promises from her isn't going to amount to much.
> 
> it would probably decrease her anxiety if she just wasn't working at that restaurant and it seems to me that she should be able to find a different restaurant job. but with PTSD and anxiety and depression, please tell me she's already been in therapy with a psychologist.
> 
> This is above your paygrade.


Way above my pay grade you are right, I am definitely no expert in any of this. She is seeing a therapist next week but it's all up to her how she's going to handle it and accept the help she needs . I am giving all my hope that she gets a therapist that is suited to help her properly but like I said that side ultimately is really out of my control .


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Lots of good advice, I think. Glad you have lawyer you can trust. None of us expect such miserable decisions, but what you do now in courage will reward you and yours for your lifetime. There is no current reason you cannot advise her after the most necessary legal dissolution.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> Way above my pay grade you are right, I am definitely no expert in any of this. She is seeing a therapist next week but it's all up to her how she's going to handle it and accept the help she needs . I am giving all my hope that she gets a therapist that is suited to help her properly but like I said that side ultimately is really out of my control .


PTSD is very difficult to deal with. I don't know what type she has but I had just the emotional PTSD and not the combat PTSD, but it's still just very difficult because it's like having a tape loop running in your head all the time. Honestly the best thing for it I thought was to be active and make new memories to try to crowd that other crap out. it's like having a neurological rut or something. I did finally get rid of mine. Took 10 years and I read some research that says for the ones who do manage to shake it, that's about how long it takes. 

PTSD will certainly exacerbate anxiety big time so part of me is happy that she's carrying on an active life and not just avoiding everything because that's what I did. I also hope she gets a psychologist that is knowledgeable enough to help her and I think you're just going to have to hang on right now and see how that goes and course it's no miracle cure that happens overnight. But you never know she might get on some med that would change her depression and anxiety and maybe to some extent behavior.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

IntoNature90 said:


> I haven't had a DNA but I'm pretty certain he is mine, he is my clone , almost identical to me at his age


I gather that you are not in the biological sciences fields. To give you an example of what I'm about to tell you: after a baby is born each and everyone that takes a look at that baby will form a mental image and create a biased opinion as to who that baby looks like. It's all an illusion. The human race only have a finite number of facial variations from which to eventually form a definite form as an adult. There's a reason why the term "doppelganger" exist. you go anywhere in the world and chances are you could find one for yourself, regardless of skin color, hair, etc. just the generic facial form. Your wife most definitively has one or two physical types of men to which she is biologically attracted. If you study the guys she would point at you that she's attracted, you bet that some will have similar characteristics like you. 

Say, she has a child (with a guy that she is physically attracted to), the general physical characteristic of that guy will show in that child and it will look like it has characteristics that are similar to yours. So don't be deluded with the idea that that child is yours, just because he/she looks "just like you". A DNA test has brought down to his knees many , many men that never suspected that that child wasn't theirs, because they would swear that the child looks just like them. I'm not saying that your child is not yours, just that there's always a possibility that with your wife having sexual relationship with you and all along at the same time with another guy, you most make sure. GET the DNA done. Get that piece of mind. Don't be a fool.


----------



## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> PTSD is very difficult to deal with. I don't know what type she has but I had just the emotional PTSD and not the combat PTSD, but it's still just very difficult because it's like having a tape loop running in your head all the time. Honestly the best thing for it I thought was to be active and make new memories to try to crowd that other crap out. it's like having a neurological rut or something. I did finally get rid of mine. Took 10 years and I read some research that says for the ones who do manage to shake it, that's about how long it takes.
> 
> PTSD will certainly exacerbate anxiety big time so part of me is happy that she's carrying on an active life and not just avoiding everything because that's what I did. I also hope she gets a psychologist that is knowledgeable enough to help her and I think you're just going to have to hang on right now and see how that goes and course it's no miracle cure that happens overnight. But you never know she might get on some med that would change her depression and anxiety and maybe to some extent behavior.


It's not his responsibility to risk his livelihood and that of his child in the hope that MAYBE she'll turn it around. 

I have OCD, I've had a repeat track playing since I could remember. I've experienced CSA to a severe degree. 

It's still not an excuse for me to not take responsibility for my actions. 

If it's hard, you develop courage and take personal responsibility. 

Loved ones aren't responsible and don't in any way "have to" hang on during abuse.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I gather that you are not in the biological sciences fields. To give you an example of what I'm about to tell you: after a baby is born each and everyone that takes a look at that baby will form a mental image and create a biased opinion as to who that baby looks like. It's all an illusion. The human race only have a finite number of facial variations from which to eventually form a definite form as an adult. There's a reason why the term "doppelganger" exist. you go anywhere in the world and chances are you could find one for yourself, regardless of skin color, hair, etc. just the generic facial form. Your wife most definitively has one or two physical types of men to which she is biologically attracted. If you study the guys she would point at you that she's attracted, you bet that some will have similar characteristics like you.
> 
> Say, she has a child (with a guy that she is physically attracted to), the general physical characteristic of that guy will show in that child and it will look like it has characteristics that are similar to yours. So don't be deluded with the idea that that child is yours, just because he/she looks "just like you". A DNA test has brought down to his knees many , many men that never suspected that that child wasn't theirs, because they would swear that the child looks just like them. I'm not saying that your child is not yours, just that there's always a possibility that with your wife having sexual relationship with you and all along at the same time with another guy, you most make sure. GET the DNA done. Get that piece of mind. Don't be a fool.


In college i met this girl ans her husband. She was very freaked out by me for a bit. She thought i was her ex-husband until i started talking. 
My sister went to school with a guy that was a double for Christopher Reeves. I used to say there goes Superman.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

QuickerPickerUpper said:


> Not buying the mental health issue excuse.
> 
> I'm a triple cocktail of mental disorder messiness. Do you know why I didn't get better for so long?
> 
> ...


Congratulations for defeating some of your demons and for holding the rest at bay.
Kudos! 

It is plainly, painfully obvious that not all people can do this. 
Look around you for proof.

We live in a world that is two-steps away from chaos.

I attribute much of it to overcrowding and from harmful influences perpetrated by nasty people.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bobert said:


> It's also _extremely_ embarrassing. I was a ****ing fool and an overly emotional asshole who desperately needed to learn how to control his anger and grow up. That's a work in progress. Sometimes I look at a random page and cringe reading it.


Dude, I think many of us cringe when we go back and read our original threads. I was such a weak SOB who did so many things wrong.

This is why we are good at helping people learn from our mistakes.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

IntoNature90 said:


> In June she was prescribed anxiety medication, she's been struggling with alcoholism and dangerous behavior like drinking and driving for years . More intensely within the past year or so . She has mentioned thoughts of suicide to me before within the past couple months before discovery of the affair, wanting to drive off the road and what not . She said it started as her wanting to make an anxiety attack stop and then taking the rest of a bottle to make all of this stop forever- all of the turmoil and the anxiety and her depression and so on. She had her meds switched around in the hospital and is scheduled to see a therapist next week.


Drinking and driving for years?
Dude, she’s lucky she hasn’t killed someone else’s family. I cannot find compassion for this person you describe. I personally would DNA test my child and do whatever I could to extricate myself from this black cloud of a person. Im glad she is getting help, but the planet may well be better off without her on it. A drinker and driver needs to be in prison where they can’t hurt others.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You seem reluctant to DNA the kid. You should really do it for medical reasons. I know that at this point it will make no difference how you feel about the little guy, but an accurate medical history can be essential for proper treatment in the future should he need it. One of the first things doctors do when a child is ill is to get the medical history of the parents. That develops into a road map of how to treat the child. If he is not your child then your medical history can muddy the waters. DNA is for him as much as you but for different reasons.


----------



## Buckeyedad (Aug 4, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> My wife of 1 year has been having an emotional and physical affair with a guy from work, this started before we were even married , she said the first time it got physical was 2 years ago.
> 
> I found out from the AP's long time girlfriend last month, not my wife. I confronted my wife and she came clean because she knew I had proof with a huge amount of text messages that were very detailed.
> 
> ...


Just do what my soon-to-be ex-wife did and that is file for a divorce. 

Try having a spouse who is an Assistant Prosecutor. 

You need to file for a divorce and find someone who loves you.


----------



## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

Buckeyedad said:


> Just do what my soon-to-be ex-wife did and that is file for a divorce.
> 
> Try having a spouse who is an Assistant Prosecutor.
> 
> You need to file for a divorce and find someone who loves you.


Dude, STOP. You're still trying to sell this narrative. Your wife is doing what she must to protect herself and her children from you. Why do you keep on bringing up her profession?


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

The beatings will continue until the moral improves. 

The only person who will advocate for you is yourself.

If you allow the beatings to continue, then they will continue. 

If you want the beatings to stop, you can stop them by being your own best advocate and setting yourself free from this situation. 

To use another analogy, it's a bit like being one of those denizens in the cave analogy by Plato. You have the ability to get up and walk out of the cave if you want.


----------



## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> My father was exactly like her and did this to my mom for many years and I find myself doing the same thing my mother did,who I obviously idolized, so you are correct and hit the nail on the head. Trying to overcome those issues in this situation and making that cycle stop here . Thank you


Sisterly hug for you, sir. It hurts me to see that because I put my family through hell before they completely cut me off. There was no ultimatum. It was just - enough, get the hell out. 

I was on my own for a while. I stewed and built resentment up for a while, before I realized I was the source of all of my issues and my dwindling mental health. 

I had to go back to my family and ask for forgiveness. I still have to work at it, I can't stop. 

You are like my sister. She held on the longest. She wanted so badly to believe that tough love would work on me, but the fact she kept coming back would enable me. I knew she would still be there to help me regardless of my behavior... Until she didn't. She became a Mama and I was gone. She had to protect my niece. 

You need to protect your son. 

It's tough, but you gotta give yourself permission to put you first. That's a foreign concept to people like you and my sister. You hang on until the last moment. You keep on prolonging and rearranging your boundaries in the hope that we'll get it. You keep on changing the definition of loyalty because you want to make sure you don't walk away before doing everything you Can. But doing everything you can becomes a habit and the guilt of leaving becomes the only reason you stay. 

You deserve so much more. 





SunCMars said:


> Congratulations for defeating some of your demons and for holding the rest at bay.
> Kudos!
> 
> It is plainly, painfully obvious that not all people can do this.
> ...


Thanks, sir. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna be in treatment for life and there is still a natural chaos that comes with the disorders. 

The difference is I accept it and work to manage it because I know I'm the only one who can. 

Discipline is a ***** to develop, but the benefits are AMAZING. Responsibility was something I childishly hid from, but once I did it I noticed that the amount of "even" days I have increased. Feels good lol


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Drinking and driving for years?
> Dude, she’s lucky she hasn’t killed someone else’s family. I cannot find compassion for this person you describe. I personally would DNA test my child and do whatever I could to extricate myself from this black cloud of a person. Im glad she is getting help, but the planet may well be better off without her on it. *A drinker and driver needs to be in prison where they can’t hurt others.*


There was a time that this happened after the 1st offense.

The 2nd conviction earned you a weekend in jail, loss of insurance and court costs and fines of 5K to 10K.
Plus, doing public service and going to alcohol related classes.

Nowadays, anything goes.

Pot is legalized in many states, cash bail is waived in New York, setting offenders free within hours of arrest.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Buckeyedad said:


> Just do what my soon-to-be ex-wife did and that is file for a divorce.
> 
> Try having a spouse who is an Assistant Prosecutor.
> 
> You need to file for a divorce and find someone who loves you.


You are kidding right? Find someone who allows you to walk all over them, cheat on them 3 times including with best friend, etc. You have no moral footing to stand on here buddy. you screwed up, you cheated on a woman who obviously loved you and went against her family to marry a man from a different background and culture. What did your entitled self do? **** all over her and your kids. Please, get some help, you really need it. I am glad your wife is a prosecutor, maybe it will knock some reality into you so you become a better man not a cheating, lying SOB!


----------



## handyandy6942 (Aug 20, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> My wife of 1 year has been having an emotional and physical affair with a guy from work, this started before we were even married , she said the first time it got physical was 2 years ago.
> 
> I found out from the AP's long time girlfriend last month, not my wife. I confronted my wife and she came clean because she knew I had proof with a huge amount of text messages that were very detailed.
> 
> ...


All I can say it seems she is not struggling to much having a affair.


----------



## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

Affairs are addictions. What would happen if you were an alcoholic and worked at a bar? The fact that she still works with this guy gives her a “hit” every day, whether or not it’s truly over. And this depression and anxiety sounds like a very dramatic way to deescalate your reaction, keeping you endeared to her while she messes around. She’s getting attention from all angles. I suggest you give her some space to see what happens. You know, the When you love something set it free crap. She has no idea what a life with you looks like without him in it as well. Think about that.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

My humble opinion.

I assume you still want this marriage or you probably would not be here looking for advice.
First thing you should consider is to ask yourself if you can truly forgive and forget?
Trust me, this will be in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. If you can’t let it go and there is a chance of you bringing it up every time things get tough, it will eat you and your relationship alive.If you can’t be 100% sure that you can put it away. Then you should take the advice to end it.

If you think you are able to put it away. Then I would not be placing your ideas of what she should do. If you express do this, don’t do that then you risk her simply appeasing your demands. If she is going to change, she has to make that decision on her own. If she wants to save her marriage, she makes that decision on her own.

That being said, I would suggest that you express that you are willing to give it a chance...

What is she going to do to earn your trust and show every day that she is invested in Her marriage and family.

Let her make the plan, stick with it and prove she is deserving. If she does, you move forward on a daily basis. She slips for even a second, you’re done!

Nothing wrong with making that very, very clear.

Again, just my opinion.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

IntoNature90 said:


> Yes the second lawyer I talked to who I'm going to use has said an annulment is probably a better option if we can make certain factors clear in court and may give me better luck at receiving full custody of my son. I haven't had a DNA but I'm pretty certain he is mine, he is my clone , almost identical to me at his age. I know that's not definitive but I would maybe get one if the lawyer recomended it and like others have said to show my WW that I don't trust anything possibly. Even if he wasn't mine somehow I wouldn't care , he is everything to me . I will be getting an STD test for sure


Having a child disqualifies you from an annulment I believe. But do what you can to get out of this marriage and gain custody of your son.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Having a child disqualifies you from an annulment I believe. But do what you can to get out of this marriage and gain custody of your son.


Well, there you go, you may have to get the DNA test anyway.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Divorce her! Get 100% custody based on her drunk driving.

don’t wait. If she harms someone while drunk driving it’s possible they could sue and because you’re married to her - they take everything you’ve earned.

do not allow her to be alone with the child. Get a dna test - it could easily be the OM’s child.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The marriage you THOUGHT you had never existed... she made it a farce with all the lies and illusions.

nothing about the marriage has involved trust and feeling safe - therefore there isn’t anything to consider saving.

you can’t help her! She must help herself. (12 years sober here).
Cut her loose.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Stop being her door mat. Take care of yourself. Let HER figure her way out of the crap she created.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dude, you are in KISA mode. Trying to LET her get her issues under control. Trying to LET her work on herself. Trying to allow her to deal with the AP. You are more concerned with protecting her and saving her from her self destructive behavior than you are with protecting yourself and your kid. You can't fix crazy. You are just beating your head against a wall and damaging yourself.

What is she doing for you? She will not talk about the affair. She will not consider changing jobs. She uses her mental health issues to control you. The affair is still very much on-going even if the physical side has stopped (which I doubt).

Did the GF who told you about the affair break up with your wife's AP? The GF could be a source of info about the affair for you. Since your wife shuts you down when you try talking about the affair, I would contact the GF and see what else she is willing to tell you. Especially how long the GF can prove the affair has gone on.


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Dude how RU doing?
Buffer


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

He hasn't been here in 3 weeks.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@IntoNature90, how are you doing (hopefully this will ping him via email)?


----------



## Tempocontour (Nov 5, 2018)

Hey, how are you doing?


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Hey guys, update on my situation. Sorry I was gone so long. Been focusing on myself and busy. The replies stopped getting into my regular inbox for some reason and started going spam , also why it took me awhile. 

I appreciate everyone keeping in touch. Long time has passed. Wife is still in the house, but I have told her that there's no way this marriage is going to work in the long term. She continued lying and continued contact with the AP and just has completely lost control, and not long after my post I decided it just wasn't going to ever work. She lied too many times and I will never be able to fully trust her again and I will always be sleeping with one eye open. Loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship to a man and to a lot of women. 

Even if things were good for years after this (which they probably would never be, people like this don't change) I would still always wonder and have to be the babysitter in some way. She completely changed the dynamic of any kind of relationship we could have had because she turned me into the paranoid husband who was always checking in being needy and acting like a *****. Not the masculine man she once met and fell in love with. I am getting back to my old self and it obviously flipped her life upside down, but SHE'LL GET OVER IT.

All of her problems and issues will never be resolved with me as her door mat and her friendly push over husband who always forgives. That only enables her to continue this behavior. She claims to have hit rock bottom during all of this but I don't think she has, when she gets the papers and I receive custody of our son, then maybe, and she can realize she needs to change if she will ever be happy in any relationships in the future or in life in general. 

I've been logging all of her behavior that relates to treating our son as a second class citizen behind herself and building a case for the custody. It's pretty much cut and dry. Financially, I was hit hard by covid stuff and the irs is screwing me with tax returns or things with the living situation and lawyer assistance would be different at this point, but I am staying strong and haven't given in to any of the BS and drama in about 2 months now. I thank you all for the encouragement but I guess I needed to go on my own journey with it. 

I have grown a lot through this experience and have learned a lot about what I want in any future relationships and in my life in general. What a relief . I don't want anything to do with this marriage anymore, and she knows it, I think it's finally sinking in for her , as her behavior is getting more and more erratic, but like I said, it can't change the fact that this will never work in the long run. 

I am sticking true to being a person of integrity and that mattering to me, to being motivated and driven and looking towards a bright future. When I had given her a second chance before , after the discovery, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach of dread, that feeling in your gut MEANS something. NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT , NEVER IGNORE YOURSELF. thanks everyone and hope all are well.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Just wanted to add that the divorce papers aren't far out just so no one jumps all over my ass here. We are in a live in seperation and we barely see one another and she is only around my son if I know for a fact she is sober and awake and safe for him to have contact with. Just wanted to clarify .


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope everything works out well for you.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I hope everything works out well for you.


Thanks so much !


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> Just wanted to add that the divorce papers aren't far out just so no one jumps all over my ass here. We are in a live in seperation and we barely see one another and she is only around my son if I know for a fact she is sober and awake and safe for him to have contact with. Just wanted to clarify .


It’s a weird time for sure, and I know how it is being stuck in the same house. I’m glad you have perspective and strength for you and your son. Wishing you the best!!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s not totally out if control. She still makes time and puts in effort to see the AP, right?

it’s a shame you can’t rid yourself of her faster. Your life will be hugely better with her gone. There are a looooooot of women out there that are better choices than this one. Good luck


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

IntoNature90 said:


> Hey guys, update on my situation. Sorry I was gone so long. Been focusing on myself and busy. The replies stopped getting into my regular inbox for some reason and started going spam , also why it took me awhile. I appreciate everyone keeping in touch. Long time has passed. Wife is still in the house, but I have told her that there's no way this marriage is going to work in the long term. She continued lying and continued contact with the AP and just has completely lost control, and not long after my post I decided it just wasn't going to ever work. She lied too many times and I will never be able to fully trust her again and I will always be sleeping with one eye open. Loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship to a man and to a lot of women. Even if things were good for years after this (which they probably would never be, people like this don't change) I would still always wonder and have to be the babysitter in some way. She completely changed the dynamic of any kind of relationship we could have had because she turned me into the paranoid husband who was always checking in being needy and acting like a ***. Not the masculine man she once met and fell in love with. I am getting back to my old self and it obviously flipped her life upside down, but SHE'LL GET OVER IT. All of her problems and issues will never be resolved with me as her door mat and her friendly push over husband who always forgives. That only enables her to continue this behavior. She claims to have hit rock bottom during all of this but I don't think she has, when she gets the papers and I receive custody of our son, then maybe, and she can realize she needs to change if she will ever be happy in any relationships in the future or in life in general. I've been logging all of her behavior that relates to treating our son as a second class citizen behind herself and building a case for the custody. It's pretty much cut and dry. Financially, I was hit hard by covid stuff and the irs is screwing me with tax returns or things with the living situation and lawyer assistance would be different at this point, but I am staying strong and haven't given in to any of the BS and drama in about 2 months now. I thank you all for the encouragement but I guess I needed to go on my own journey with it. I have grown a lot through this experience and have learned a lot about what I want in any future relationships and in my life in general. What a relief . I don't want anything to do with this marriage anymore, and she knows it, I think it's finally sinking in for her , as her behavior is getting more and more erratic, but like I said, it can't change the fact that this will never work in the long run. I am sticking true to being a person of integrity and that mattering to me, to being motivated and driven and looking towards a bright future. When I had given her a second chance before , after the discovery, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach of dread, that feeling in your gut MEANS something. NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT , NEVER IGNORE YOURSELF. thanks everyone and hope all are well.


Glad to hear that you're standing your ground and doing what you need to do. You can see already that your marriage would not have worked b/c you say she started communication with the guy again. How the truth comes out.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't help wondering what made you choose someone this broken. As a child did you get thrown into the role of a caretaker with your parents? See, most people would find any one of these problems a deterrent to pursuing a relationship. I think only someone who grew up thinking that was normal would be willing. 


I certainly could be wrong and maybe you have some other reason, such as you don't feel you can get another girlfriend or something. But this seems like a way too much trouble with very little payoff to stay in it. I will tell you right now you cannot fix her. she already knows she needs to be in therapy if she's already been in the hospital with an overdose.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm glad to here you have set a direction for yourself and your son. She is just a typical cheater who has spent her life blaming her poor choices on her mental illness, and when that doesn't work, she blames others. Her cheating is an outgrowth of her lack of morals and integrity. It has very little to do with her mental illness, if nothing. Yes it is true that some people who suffer from BPD can sometimes experience hypersexuality when they are in their manic stage, but I don't believe that is the case with your wife. If it were she would be having sex with everybody, not just her OM. No, she's just a cheater, plain and simple, and the fact that she started right after your marriage started is proof that she is just a user. She keeps you around to help pay bills and watch your son. I imagine you are the only one doing any real parenting.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you have not done so, read up on The 180 and do it. The 180 will greatly help you in separating yourself from her emotionally, and will help you emotionally fortify yourself for all her future shenanigans.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I can't help wondering what made you choose someone this broken. As a child did you get thrown into the role of a caretaker with your parents? See, most people would find any one of these problems a deterrent to pursuing a relationship. I think only someone who grew up thinking that was normal would be willing.
> 
> 
> I certainly could be wrong and maybe you have some other reason, such as you don't feel you can get another girlfriend or something. But this seems like a way too much trouble with very little payoff to stay in it. I will tell you right now you cannot fix her. she already knows she needs to be in therapy if she's already been in the hospital with an overdose.


He addressed this in his post a couple of months ago, early in the thread. He's recapitulating the parental dynamic he witnessed during childhood.:



IntoNature90 said:


> My father was exactly like her and did this to my mom for many years and I find myself doing the same thing my mother did,who I obviously idolized, so you are correct and hit the nail on the head. Trying to overcome those issues in this situation and making that cycle stop here . Thank you


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

For the original poster, you were just continuing the cycle you grew up with and you will continue to do so if you don't get yourself into therapy.


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> For the original poster, you were just continuing the cycle you grew up with and you will continue to do so if you don't get yourself into therapy.


I am in therapy, and I know that , thank you


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

bandit.45 said:


> If you have not done so, read up on The 180 and do it. The 180 will greatly help you in separating yourself from her emotionally, and will help you emotionally fortify yourself for all her future shenanigans.


I have read up on it and have been practicing it. It did really help, thanks !


----------



## IntoNature90 (Aug 18, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> He addressed this in his post a couple of months ago, early in the thread. He's recapitulating the parental dynamic he witnessed during childhood.:





DownByTheRiver said:


> I can't help wondering what made you choose someone this broken. As a child did you get thrown into the role of a caretaker with your parents? See, most people would find any one of these problems a deterrent to pursuing a relationship. I think only someone who grew up thinking that was normal would be willing.
> 
> 
> I certainly could be wrong and maybe you have some other reason, such as you don't feel you can get another girlfriend or something. But this seems like a way too much trouble with very little payoff to stay in it. I will tell you right now you cannot fix her. she already knows she needs to be in therapy if she's already been in the hospital with an overdose.


Yes I did address this, but other realizations have popped up over the last 4 months . When her and I got together 5 years ago , we were still relatively young and we were in different places in life that we are now and I was in a very different mind set then and through out our relationship as opposed to the one I've grown into today . We were both weak and we both chose eachother for reasons that were unhealthy. We were not complete people when we met and we both had issues with our childhood and parental relationships that we were not conscious about and hadn't fully dealt with. I was not very mature in relationships and made bad choices in partners for a long time and I was not very emotionally or mentally mature . As years went on with us I slipped into a codependency relationship with her, one that I was so accustomed to from childhood, and it was like riding a bike to be that way. When you are not conscious or in denial about the way those things from your childhood truly effect you it is very hard to break that cycle, like you said, without therapy it is almost impossible. I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, but nothing warrants cheating and lying like she did of course and it is unacceptable. I'm taking this opportunity to really out time in to change myself for the better and to truly grow. I do feel that this happened for a reason to really wake me up to shake me to become the person I am truly meant to be and work through the issues that are holding me back in life. I can only look back now and try to learn from all of this and to be grateful for the things I am able to learn from any experience even ones that are not so pleasant. Thank you !


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If it woke you up and made you deal with this old stuff, then it was all for the best in the long run and I wish you the best in getting through it. It helps to know what's going on with yourself, but it's not like an instant fix or anything. Takes time.


----------



## buratinos (Sep 22, 2020)

You most need to support her and not only in words, but also to find a way of treatment that would help her cope with this problem. Don't leave your loved one, no matter what mental state they are in. Depression is something that can happen to anyone and treatment is red vein kratom. Sometimes it happens that you do not need anything but a gentle hug or words of love. And sometimes you can't be physically around and then you should think about buying red vein cream so that he can deal with the problem of her depression for you. In any case, remember that do not part with your loved ones


----------



## TaasEart (1 mo ago)

My wife also needs help from a psychologist. We have been married for 12 years, and during that time, I have never heard her complain about feeling unwell or having any difficulties, but I saw her crying for the first time last year, and I was very scared for her at that moment.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TaasEart said:


> My wife also needs help from a psychologist. We have been married for 12 years, and during that time, I have never heard her complain about feeling unwell or having any difficulties, but I saw her crying for the first time last year, and I was very scared for her at that moment.


I wouldn't worry about her crying, some women cry quite easily. I think it's healthy to cry and not bottle things up.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Zombie.thread.


TaasEart said:


> My wife also needs help from a psychologist. We have been married for 12 years, and during that time, I have never heard her complain about feeling unwell or having any difficulties, but I saw her crying for the first time last year, and I was very scared for her at that moment.


You need to start your own thread, this one is old and is no longer active.


----------



## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

IntoNature90 said:


> My wife of 1 year has been having an emotional and physical affair with a guy from work, this started before we were even married , she said the first time it got physical was 2 years ago.
> 
> I found out from the AP's long time girlfriend last month, not my wife. I confronted my wife and she came clean because she knew I had proof with a huge amount of text messages that were very detailed.
> 
> ...


Forgive and file.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"This thread is two years old, so is a Zombie thread and will be closed down."

"However, if this type of issue is impacting you, please start your own thread."


----------

