# Does arguing kill sex or am I alone in this one?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

There are many threads about the same kind of topic - people's partners opting out of regular sex for various periods of time. No-one has specified whether there was friction prior to this happening (not asking particularly, might be very personal & so on). I've said in various ways that in our case it's me who finds it difficult to get down & dirty after fighting. At the moment that's getting to be quite a long time. Weeks. Yet I do wonder almost constantly, though, if I'm alone in getting the impression that everyone and their grandmother has brilliant sex making up after quarrels when the last thing I want to do is make love to a man who's been calling me names. 
How long does it take you to get over harsh words? How do you get back into feeling sexy if you've been irritable or made to feel you irritate someone? I'm not necessarily only talking about those mega fights where someone says they want out, or put the house on the market or whatever (I'm gradually realising, even had to ask for confirmation, he NEVER means it despite appearances). I mean the day to day griping, stressed snipes, criticisms of parenting, etc. Or is that just a bad relationship:scratchhead:


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Im the same way to an extent. With our BIG fights- we may go a week or so without it, which is until we are on good terms again. But with the monir day to day disagreements, it will usually mess the mood up if its like right before we want to head to the bedroom (or where ever else in our house  ) then its a downer, but i usually try to break the negativity with humor, relaxing, a movie etc... So i guess for me i dont really believe in "makeup sex" cause if im irritated a little action isnt gonna change that, but i DO try to fix our attitudes so that way its not makeup sex, its just great sex... make sense?


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

SweetiepieMI said:


> Im the same way to an extent. With our BIG fights- we may go a week or so without it, which is until we are on good terms again. But with the monir day to day disagreements, it will usually mess the mood up if its like right before we want to head to the bedroom (or where ever else in our house  ) then its a downer, but i usually try to break the negativity with humor, relaxing, a movie etc... So i guess for me i dont really believe in "makeup sex" cause if im irritated a little action isnt gonna change that, but i DO try to fix our attitudes so that way its not makeup sex, its just great sex... make sense?


Maybe I'm just an old bag, it takes me a lot to get over being criticised; we don't live together full time any more(long story), either, so there's always pressure of time to some extent ref. when he's next flying out....... 
Have even considered telling him 'make me feel better for god's sake then we can go to bed' but he's got it firmly in mind that that's just making him go through hoops to achieve sex. No-one apart from me apparently ever wants 'niceness' before sex! Ha! Don't think he's right, judging from this forum......


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely not. Like i said if we are fighting and feeling like crap and neither one of us makes an effort to mend it, theres no way i feel in the mood or what to have the _make up sex_ . From the sounds of your situation, i cant completely understand how it may be hard for you to get into that mood to truely want to have sex...


----------



## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I agree, I find it difficult to get in the mood if I'm angry or still not completely over a recent argument. But, I know if I want to be intimate again, then I need to make a strong effort to talk about the issues so that I can move on.


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I agree completely! Who wants to bed someone that you couldn't stand to be in the same room with 5 minutes before? Especially if the issues aren't worked through.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I don't know about you, but it kills it for me.


----------



## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

I agree that arguing kills sex and would never think of participating if we had unresolved issues. However one time when there was an outstanding argument, I decided to go with the flow when my husband tentatively initiated. (I guess at the time I concluded that the argument was relatively petty and that it might be a way of getting over it more speedily and moving on.) But it turned out I didn't particularly enjoy the act and we were still awkward/not speaking the next day and I've resolved never to do this again. Wasn't worth it - I felt like I had let myself down and should have abstained.


----------



## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

Agree 100%. For me, the years of verbal abuse have pretty much killed our sex lives. I don't know that most men understand the connection between a women's emotions and sex. For me, sex is an emotional act more than a physical one. If the emotions are in the state of anger, resentment, etc...the sex life is not going to exist. Unfortunately, anger has been a DAILY issue for my husband (we are now in counseling), so our sex life has become almost nonexistent. Sorry, I just can't "go there" when I've been called a Bit**, As*****, etc.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

pearl18 said:


> Agree 100%. For me, the years of verbal abuse have pretty much killed our sex lives. I don't know that most men understand the connection between a women's emotions and sex. For me, sex is an emotional act more than a physical one. If the emotions are in the state of anger, resentment, etc...the sex life is not going to exist. Unfortunately, anger has been a DAILY issue for my husband (we are now in counseling), so our sex life has become almost nonexistent. Sorry, I just can't "go there" when I've been called a Bit**, As*****, etc.


I'm sorry to hear anger has been a daily issue for you; however I relate very closely as this is the situation - give or take - for us at the moment & has been for a long while. Not living together (not my choice, his) doesn't help, because at least one site I've read suggests you need to spend 15 hours quality time a week together to stand any chance of working things through.... 
Too long a history to go into in one post but it's gone from bad to worse to not knowing who can do anything, or what can be done, to change the dynamics day to day to make things better. I accept I could and should take some actions to change things I say or do but will not (sounds very negative, I'd prefer to see it as assertive/not wishing to settle for less than I deserve)
He's gone back to his other country/own house saying he's prepared to read Dr Phil's Relationshp Rescue plus some stuff (5 love languages, love busters etc) I'd printed off... so I guess that's a start. CBT on his oversensitivity/overreaction would be a good idea too. 
As someone said, if you've been shouted at/called unpleasant names, even if it's been taken back or apologised for, it still hurts. Why would you want to be intimate so soon after? A meaningful hug, or being held closely and some calming affectionate words, yes. That would be a start. 
Anyway enough already!!!!!!
Seems it's not just me then.....


----------



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I'm with you - arguing kills sex. Arguing also leads to resentment, which kills sex. 

I know all too well that horrible, vicious cycle. Lived it far too long. Who wants to have sex with someone you are still pissed off at or who said mean things to you earlier, etc? And, if like me, you hold on to your resentment it leads to never having sex. Not good. Because eventually, it will lead to the spouse leaving or sadly in my case, finding it somewhere else.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Very much so kills it for me too as a guy!!!


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Very much so kills it for me too as a guy!!!


My oh says that too. I think it's a difficult line to define as to where the resentment starts after periods of disagreement, and who it affects more and in what ways. Maybe it's as simple as every individual being individual about that, or maybe there are gender similarities: the cliche about men being driven by sex etc., cos of course most if not all cliches are based on truth. Either way I'd say in our relationship arguments affect our sex life from both my and his perspective. Just how to put it all back together that's the stumbling block at the moment. 
Ok one person can take the lead, back down, but the first time a tiny thing is said wrong it all goes pearshaped again. You read the question 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy....' well actually I don't want to be made to feel as though it's wrong to want to have my 'right' observations or thoughts or beliefs acknowledged...... at least as being PARTly right! I know about grey areas, tend to speak then refine what I've said, oh isn't good at that but is brilliant at thinking directly to his point & finds it hard to accept other people's conversations/thoughts are often a work in progress! (mind you this might be a woman thing, judging from stuff I've read recently) ?


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

It doesnt kill it for me... but it does for my husband. If I leave a cup in the sink... the sex natzi comes out "no sex for you!"


----------

