# Confused, hurt and scared



## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

My marriage is in shambles. My husband has cheated on me and has been wanting us to break up because he wants to single, date other people and do things without having to be accountable to anyone. He’s been distant, sometimes mean to me and angry. He’s still active on dating sites. Yes, I know a lot of people would say that I should let him go.
Deep in my heart, I can’t because I love him too much. I know that he has his demons but deep down inside, he has a good heart and that is the reason why I want to stay with him and fix this. He is my first serious boyfriend and has been with him for 5 years. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up. I agreed to give him a 2 month hall pass but I don’t know how it will work out for us. I need some support and advice. My mind says leave but my heart and my faith says stay with him. I tried the 180 but I cannot stop telling and showing my husband that I love him. It is not in my nature.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

My advice...divorce him and find a man that loves you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You need to get to a professional counselor immediately. The advice here is great for people who can help themselves. I'm not being mean, but your present situation is very bad, and I doubt you can manage it with self-help. You need someone in person who can help you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

sad&confusedlady said:


> agreed to give him a 2 month hall pass


Terrible move. 



sad&confusedlady said:


> My mind says leave but my heart and my faith says stay with him



You're letting your emotions overrule your rational thinking. Change your nature. Dump him. You know what needs to be done.

This relationship is already over. He will never change into the husband that you want. Set yourself free. You'll be happy in a year or so looking back. Squeeze him in the divorce. You have the upper hand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He knows he can cheat and you will stay so my advice is get used to his behavior because he’s not likely to change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have only been married 3 years and he is doing this stuff? And you want to keep him? I recommend you see a psychologist. Look up the word codependent.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You need to get to a professional counselor immediately. The advice here is great for people who can help themselves. I'm not being mean, but your present situation is very bad, and I doubt you can manage it with self-help. You need someone in person who can help you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.


I have been seeing one. I have also been taking care of myself by meditating, praying, exercising and all that. It is difficult especially for me because my family and friends are in my home country. I realize now that I am codependent in him. However, that does not change the fact that I stand by my vows to God and that I love him.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Honoring vows doesn’t work when only one part of the “two that become one” puts in the work. If you are refusing a divorce for religious reasons....well. He already left you and your marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sad&confusedlady said:


> *deep down inside, he has a good heart* and that is the reason why I want to stay with him and fix this.
> 
> ...I agreed to give him a 2 month hall pass


He's a lying adulterer. They don't have good hearts, they have selfish hearts.

Why on earth would you agree to a hall pass???



sad&confusedlady said:


> However, that does not change the fact that I stand by my vows to God and that I love him.


That's just an excuse, you don't want to leave so you say it's religious. You didn't make any vows to God (who doesn't exist btw), you made them to your husband, but they're no longer there because HE broke them.

Where is your self respect?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I’ll give you this advice, learn to love yourself, because frankly, you don’t.

Ask yourself in all honesty, why do you love him and don’t make excuses. Don’t say he has a good heart when he is on dating sites and cheating. He does not have a good heart. He says mean things to you, again, he doesn’t have a good heart.

People who love themselves don’t accept this type of behavior or pain in their lives. And what exactly is a two-month hall pass, permission for him to be unfaithful to you? Loving yourself leads to respect for yourself, respect for yourself leads to confidence and confident people would not put up with one ounce of this bullsh*t. I commend you for your faith and your desire to make marriage work, but what you’re doing according to your post is self-destructive.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Where is your self respect?


This is the center of the bullseye...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sad&confusedlady said:


> My marriage is in shambles. My husband has cheated on me and has been wanting us to break up because he wants to single, date other people and do things without having to be accountable to anyone. He’s been distant, sometimes mean to me and angry. He’s still active on dating sites. Yes, I know a lot of people would say that I should let him go.
> Deep in my heart, I can’t because I love him too much. I know that he has his demons but deep down inside, he has a good heart and that is the reason why I want to stay with him and fix this. He is my first serious boyfriend and has been with him for 5 years. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up. I agreed to give him a 2 month hall pass but I don’t know how it will work out for us. I need some support and advice. My mind says leave but my heart and my faith says stay with him. I tried the 180 but I cannot stop telling and showing my husband that I love him. It is not in my nature.


A 2 month hall pass - WTF are you doing! Please stop.

My friend, I am sorry to say this but you are projecting. No good person cheats twice and wants to date while they are married at least not while they are doing it.

You can't love someone enough that they love you, it just doesn't work that way.

Besides this guy is not good for you he is toxic. 

You need to be honest with yourself. This is your first serious boyfriend so maybe you don't know any better, but believe me you can do better, and everyone on here is going to say better, if you go on reedit everyone there will say it too. You don't have any frame of reference to know that maybe but honestly you will be better off alone then with this asshole.

What faith are you talking about that makes you want to stay?

Bottom line never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you.

You are wasting your life. 

The problem is not your nature it's his. You can do better.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I have been seeing one. I have also been taking care of myself by meditating, praying, exercising and all that. It is difficult especially for me because my family and friends are in my home country. I realize now that I am codependent in him. However, that does not change the fact that I stand by my vows to God and that I love him.


Your vows don't matter anymore, the contract is broken. What religion are you?

If you are Codependent get the book - Codependency No More.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Your vows don't matter anymore, the contract is broken. What religion are you?
> 
> If you are Codependent get the book - Codependency No More.


I am Catholic. I understand where you are all coming from. Right now, everything is very raw and fresh. It does not mean that I have no self respect. I am just a person right now without family by her side so moving on is a big step for me. I appreciate all your advice and hopefully, I will come out of this better, smarter and stronger.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I am Catholic. I understand where you are all coming from. Right now, everything is very raw and fresh. It does not mean that I have no self respect. I am just a person right now without family by her side so moving on is a big step for me. I appreciate all your advice and hopefully, I will come out of this better, smarter and stronger.


I'm Catholic too, I understand and respect your commitment to marriage, believe me I do, but even the Church would not expect you to suffer infidelity and deceit at all costs.
But, I understand the faith that is guiding you....


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Even God permits divorce for adultery. Learn to love yourself. He will lose any respect he has left for you if you give him a "hall pass." You can't kiss his butt and think it will make him be nice. It _*never*_ works. Ever.

Please, start reading Chump Lady. Start at that link and read the whole site. Also, keep posting/reading here. Lots of good people who will try to help you.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> He will lose any respect he has left for you if you give him a "hall pass."


This ^
A hall pass is tacit acceptance of his infidelity. That will not lead to anything good, helpful or loving.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> This is the center of the bullseye...


This lack of self-respect....


Is the center of of the bull-crap solution.

Two months of playing around is not going to get that wiener cheating out of his system.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I am Catholic. I understand where you are all coming from. Right now, everything is very raw and fresh. It does not mean that I have no self respect. I am just a person right now without family by her side so moving on is a big step for me. I appreciate all your advice and hopefully, I will come out of this better, smarter and stronger.


These harsh replies are not meant to beat you down. You need unbiased replies from people without skin in the game. This situation is wrong on so many levels and your snake of a husband will come crawling back after his little “hall pass”. The cheating could have been something you recover from if he felt true remorse and shame, but he is asking for even more time to stick his pecker where it doesn’t belong.

You deserve someone who would never have the desire to step out. Sorry if my reply was too harsh.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

This has been bugging me. I'm a person of faith too, so I get that part. So, where in your faith does it say to give him permission to bring others into your marriage bed? Not literally - I hope - but yeah, a hall pass gives him permission to sin.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sad&confusedlady said:


> My marriage is in shambles. My husband has cheated on me and has been wanting us to break up because he wants to single, date other people and do things without having to be accountable to anyone. He’s been distant, sometimes mean to me and angry. He’s still active on dating sites. Yes, I know a lot of people would say that I should let him go.
> Deep in my heart, I can’t because I love him too much. I know that he has his demons but deep down inside, he has a good heart and that is the reason why I want to stay with him and fix this. He is my first serious boyfriend and has been with him for 5 years. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up. I agreed to give him a 2 month hall pass but I don’t know how it will work out for us. I need some support and advice. My mind says leave but my heart and my faith says stay with him. I tried the 180 but I cannot stop telling and showing my husband that I love him. It is not in my nature.



you are only married for a 3 years and he is pulling this ****! Please do yourself a big favour and get rid of this good for nothing jerk. If he is doing this at this stage in your life, he will be doing it again at 10, 15 20 years down the road. You can do way better.
I know you love him, want to cling on to him, etc but get your self-respect girl and go scorched earth on his ass.
Get your ducks in a row, 

Start doing a hard 180 on him, no contact, no crying weeping, no begging, nothing. Act as if you believe every word he says and you are moving on. This is to help you detach. You must do this. He is not lovable right now. This may sound counter intuitive but if you show strength now and refuse to be a doormat there is a better chance of saving the marriage. No hall passes. Tell him if he wants a break you are moving to divorce immediately. 
Go see a lawyer, get the divorce papers and give them to him. He wants to go out and do a trial run and still have you as the back up plan. You are worth more than this, please please do not do this.
Tell all your families and friends about what is happening, expose, expose, expose his behavior, do NOT cover for him 
See a counsellor or therapist to help you get through this mess
Get support from a close sibling or girlfriend.
Go and get STD tested, the SOB has cheated and he could have passed something nasty to you (let him know you are doing this)
Do not give him any hall passes cause if you do, it is sending the message that he can treat you any way he wants and you will be the willing door mat, hell no! If he comes back, it will only be worse the next time around, and there will be a next time.
Play your cards right now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I have been seeing one. I have also been taking care of myself by meditating, praying, exercising and all that. It is difficult especially for me because my family and friends are in my home country. I realize now that I am codependent in him. However, that does not change the fact that I stand by my vows to God and that I love him.


I am sure your faith never told you to be a doormat? Nowhere in the bible does it say you allow a man (or women) to commit adultery, in fact it says that you can divorce because of adultery. In fact what you are doing is enabling his terrible behavior. In your first post you talk about accountability. What you are doing is not holding him accountable at all. Where are the consequences? Kick him out of your life


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Nothing will change until you change. People will behave as badly as you let them, and your complete inability / unwillingness to set and maintain boundaries is perpetuating this hell that you’re in. You’re either willing to take strong action to improve your situation, or you’re not. If you’re ready to start acting in your best interest, people here can guide you. If not, good luck but most folks won’t be interested in commiserating with you while you do nothing to improve your situation.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

sad&confusedlady said:


> My marriage is in shambles. My husband has cheated on me and has been wanting us to break up because he wants to single, date other people and do things without having to be accountable to anyone. He’s been distant, sometimes mean to me and angry. He’s still active on dating sites. Yes, I know a lot of people would say that I should let him go.


It's not that a lot of people would say that you should let him go. He's telling you HIMSELF that he wants to break up / divorce and be single. Re-read that last sentence for good measure. He's distant, sometimes mean to you and angry and active on dating sites.

You have no control over his actions.

You do have choice in how you proceed though.

I realize it must painfully sting, however, for your own benefit you need to face the reality. It doesn't matter whether you still perceive that you love him - he wants out - plain and simple. So one path could be for you to hold your head high and start looking out for yourself and facing the reality of the situation. Even if your family and friends are located elsewhere, you can still reach out to them for support and guidance. You need to decide what you need to do for you now, without consideration to him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sfort said:


> You need to get to a professional counselor immediately. The advice here is great for people who can help themselves. I'm not being mean, but your present situation is very bad, and I doubt you can manage it with self-help. You need someone in person who can help you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.


Agreed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I have been seeing one. I have also been taking care of myself by meditating, praying, exercising and all that. It is difficult especially for me because my family and friends are in my home country. I realize now that I am codependent in him. However, that does not change the fact that I stand by my vows to God and that I love him.


What guidance have you received from your counselor then?


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> What guidance have you received from your counselor then?


I don’t like our counselor. He is very confusing. He tells me that he will support me in whatever decision I have but when he talks to us together, he just keeps promoting separation and “happy endings”.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Nothing will change until you change. People will behave as badly as you let them, and your complete inability / unwillingness to set and maintain boundaries is perpetuating this hell that you’re in. You’re either willing to take strong action to improve your situation, or you’re not. If you’re ready to start acting in your best interest, people here can guide you. If not, good luck but most folks won’t be interested in commiserating with you while you do nothing to improve your situation.


I understand. I am starting to do so. We both got Covid and has been living separately and now has made me rethink our situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is not yourchum, he is not your friend. He is giving you the bum rush.

Good are those who are kind to others. 

He is not good, more, the good for nothing, for no one, not even himself.


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