# Is anyone else now dating with a view towards marriage?



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Instead of going with the flow, I decided to be more serious about what I want. The side trip was 'educational' but fruitless. For the first time in my life I'm able to see clearly what it is I want and inwardly do not believe it's unfeasible and will focus my dating/social activities towards that. What I want is a marriage, and a family life, and all that this entails...then good, the bad, and even the ugly (at times.)

I got back onto eHarmony which I believe is more specifically subscribed to by those who are serious and motivated towards marriage. And decided to go back more often to my dance classes since I love dance and that would be a priority, finding someone who loves to dance as much as I do.

Marriage and family life isn't the *only* thing I want but it's a part of the big picture, and on all other counts I'm satisfied with how things are going. 

I truly believe that whatever you visualize and can imagine, realistically, is what guides your behavior not just consciously but subconsciously as well. I'm hoping that by being honest with myself and being true to my mindset, my behaviors will change even if subtly, to reflect what it is I really want, and lead me in that direction.

Being on here and having access to what really goes on in the minds of men, has moved me from thinking that what I wanted was unrealistic, to being reasonable and achievable in that it seems to be what some men want too. Thanks, guys!

I have much more confidence in what I want, and my ability to actively participate in it. Having left a relationship because my boundaries were violated made me more confident in my ability to navigate the more serious side of dating towards marriage...I have the fun part down, no problem, could even use a bit less of that, I'm too open-minded and ready to waste my free time when I could be spending it more on myself than in useless forays...

What I'm looking for on here is a dating buddy (or a few)...who are dating with the same thing in mind, to keep things honest and to discuss issues...


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## EnjoliWoman

*waving* Buddy, here!

I make a darn good wife. Even when my ex sucked I knew I was a good wife. I love caring for someone, being a helpmate, part of a team. I've looked at myself and the dynamics of my marriage and I am not co-dependant. I AM a people-pleaser which carries over into my relationships but not to the point of sacrificing self. In a way, it's really quite selfish because of the satisfaction and joy I get out of doing things to make others happy. 

I want to make a favorite dinner, snuggle in front of the TV, take interesting weekend trips, walk hand-in-hand, make love most nights and cuddle the rest. So I am definitely a candidate for marriage again. I'm not in a rush, per se... but I am lonely sometimes and really miss the connection. The inside jokes, winks, whispers. 

Unfortunately I just was kind of broken up with by my boyfriend who I really felt could be my second and last husband. I think we could be very happy but he's having a difficult time right now and I am giving him space. I hope he decides he misses me a lot. It makes me very sad to distance myself and the last 2 days I've spent crying a lot. He's the only man I've felt this way about. I've been divorced 7.5 years, was separated 1.5 for a total of 9 years apart from ex.

I have found the free dating sites are full of people who are either cheap, not serious about marriage or want a hook up, none of which appeal to me. I have always had better luck with match.com than eHarmony but I tried both and ******* (no luck). 

My issues w/ eHarmony are: 1) forced communication path prevents an easy exchange to determine if you want to proceed unless you send them the "go straight to email" message. 2) there is no place for body type so you can waste time communicating with someone only to find out they aren't interested in someone who is built like Adele at size 16. Match allows you to put physical preferences in so I know all of the guys I communicate with are OK with "a few extra pounds" (although I wish there was something between "a few extra pounds" and "BBW").

Wish you were closer so we could be "wing-men"!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I liked Match because it gave me more access to guys who were local...on the other hand it involves some loss of privacy...it's a trade-off. My now ex-boyfriend is on there and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I am looking...lol. I thought I would take the money I could put towards Match and go instead to the local gym and see if I can meet somebody local there, and also get back in shape, at least go for a couple of months and give that a shot. I have neglected the gym and put on a few pounds I'd rather be without so I can kill two birds with one stone and also weed out guys who don't like the way I look straight out of bed more or less. But I need to check and make sure my ex-husband isn't still going to that gym. I really don't need to be bothered with running into him there...although maybe it would be good for me, when he leers at me I can practice eye-rolling and my stiff upper lip.
Honestly, he is history. 

I'm still in shock of how angry and mean my boyfriend turned. I guess he was hiding all that behind his 420 use. Which was more extensive than just 'recreational' use. He would be really upset and depressed without it, so I'm guessing it was a serious addiction...he used it in lieu of Zoloft and therapy. 

I guess I could mention to my landlord next time I see him, and my downstairs neighbor, that I am looking around. I really wish an eligible guy would just walk in the door of my Quaker Meeting some Sunday morning, lol. What a miracle that would be. I'm going to a pot luck in early November at a different Meeting where there will be Quakers from all over my state, so it's a good chance to see what's available within my own core belief system, which would be the best bet for me.

We could still be wing-men on here...
I need someone or a group of someones to keep me true to my values. I do an okay job of it but I think I'm on the slow side, not quick to judge, when I should be just a bit quicker, if you know what I mean.


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## Jellybeans

*Is anyone else now dating with a view towards marriage?*

Oh * helllll* no! Lol. I'm not even dating period. 

As far as marriage goes--I'm not sure it is something I would *ever* do again.


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## Holland

Hi 

Short background:
Separated/divorced for almost 3 years, very amicable and friendly situation with my ex. 
Very happy with life although apart from marriage ending the last few years have been hard with other major life issues to deal with.

I went on eharmony and had a blast dating various men, met a great guy and we became FWB which was fun.

My eharmony account ran out so I joined a free sit because all I wanted was some fun. Strange thing though is that I have met a man that I think is the one for me.
We were both just looking for fun, his life is a bit complicated with his ex and some mental health issues she has.

We have been dating for about 8 months and I am in love with him, we are more compatible that ex and I, we laugh non stop, sex is amazing and we share some common interests.

I don't know about marriage again. I have kids, he has kids and I am not keen on blended families. It is way too soon anyway, would have to be at least 2 or 3 years down the track for me to really think about marriage and TBH at the moment I am really enjoying living on my own with shared care of my kids.

I like looking after people too. I believe in marriage and enjoy being part of a couple. I am good wife material 

When I reflect back on my first marriage (together about 17 years all up) I don't think I actually put any great thought into it. I just got married because we were together, we were great friends and it seemed like the natural progression.

Now I am in my 40's, been married/divorced and kids I find that I am much more mature in my thinking about marriage. Finally I am a grown up and it feels good.

Yes I would like to marry again, to do it with the right person and to be part of a real team.


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## working_together

Being single for 8 months now, I think I "might" be ready for a relationship, but marriage, nah, no where ready for that.

I did meet someone shortly after my separation, we really clicked, seemed to be at the same place in life, had kids the same age etc. But, and a big BUT, he is emotionally unavailable, and was probably like that with his ex wife. I guess I fell in love with him after several months, was tired of the games, the disappearing, the text only communication. I have ended it twice now, and recently had a "relapse"....grrrr. I think if I met someone who was ready for something serious, and we really clicked, I would probably jump in and enjoy the ride, but at the same time, I think I also have some walls put up, afraid of getting hurt.


Dating is strange though, I realized that when you meet someone without the "baggage" of my previous relationship, it's more relaxed, more fun....make sense?


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## working_together

If I ever get married again, I'm doing it in Vegas....lol


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## PBear

I started seeing someone shortly after separating. Like weeks after. It was just supposed to be wild monkey sex. We're coming up on two years in a few months.

Can't say I'm chomping at the bit to be married (to her or anyone). To me, marriage would be more relevant if there were kids involved. And since I've been snipped, and we're both in our mid forties, that not a consideration. So I'd be happy with a "committed partnership". But I'm willing to negotiate, with the right partner. I'm not against marriage, I'm just against marriage with the wrong person.

C


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## EnjoliWoman

More communication with the non-boyfriend. I think it will be a good while before I want to jump back into the dating pool. Trying to date through the holidays will be tough. 

I'm thinking since I won't have my daughter for Christmas this year (she goes to her Dad's 10pm Christmas Eve through the day school resumes) that maybe I'll take myself alone on vacation somewhere. Not sure yet. Maybe I should volunteer somewhere like go to South America. I need a stamp on my passport.


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## ScarletBegonias

I was a really good wife,I made it my mission to be the best wife I could possibly be to that man.

It drained me.

The more time that passes the more I become unsure of what I'll end up doing.I go from a firm "f**k NO I will NEVER do that sh*t again!" to a "well maybe I would for the right man"

Depends on the day I guess...which tells me regardless of what my mind and heart say,I am not ready to make any choices regarding my marital future.


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## Hoosier

Married 30 years, xw had affair with my good friend, (they are now married). Been divorced 13 months, separated for 16. Marriage? I have a contract with the government, whereas Seal Team 6 is on call 24/7, with orders to take me out should I ever start walking down an aisle! 52, single, dating is more than enough for me currently. PBear and I agree....why ever again? Not necessary, I am not opposed to a committed relationship, but marriage? NEVER!


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## WomanScorned

I think I might marry again. I've been dating a guy for a year, and I think he would make a good partner for a marriage. Right now though I think it's good to just date. He's in no hurry, and neither am I. In fact, we could date indefinitely until my kids are out of the house in 15 years......I do know a couple that did that and did not marry until kids were gone. I think it would be better for my kids if I didn't remarry while they are at home. Their dad did, and the kids are unhappy with the step-mom and new sister on the way. I'm not able to have more kids, and he doesn't have any, which is a plus. I'm not keen on blended families, either. 

So, the short answer to the question is yes, dating with thoughts of marrying again. I think I've learned how to be a better wife. I will hopefully not ever take my significant other for granted again.


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## aston

Never ever ever getting married again. Relationships maybe but my trust for women and their intentions (especially when there's the possibility of material gain) has sunk so low it's just not going to happen.


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## cloudwithleggs

Hoosier said:


> Married 30 years, xw had affair with my good friend, (they are now married). Been divorced 13 months, separated for 16. Marriage? I have a contract with the government, whereas Seal Team 6 is on call 24/7, with orders to take me out should I ever start walking down an aisle! 52, single, dating is more than enough for me currently. PBear and I agree....why ever again? Not necessary, I am not opposed to a committed relationship, but marriage? NEVER!


I can't even think of a committed relationship, i think i have really gone off men, i can't seem to find any of them attractive, i mean not just physically but emotionally.

I would rather just play GW2


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## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> If I ever get married again, I'm doing it in Vegas....lol


:smthumbup:



Hoosier said:


> Married? *I have a contract with the government, whereas Seal Team 6 is on call 24/7, with orders to take me out should I ever start walking down an aisle! *


Omg I love this! :rofl: 

Don't you guys just love how jaded divorce makes us? LOL 

Ain't love grand?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I know I'm married now, but I was divorced prior not wanting to remarry. I was attending college for a good career to raise my daughter on my own. I did like being by myself. I was very independent back then.

It did cross my mind that I may date, but I was so set against not to. I had really raised my standards beyond my normal expectations. My husband met every standard on my list and he's so much more even 12 years later. He's still as attentive as he was the day we met. 

I almost said no to giving him my number. My old supervisor set us up, she thought we'd be a great match. She's a tough supervisor to please, so I was a bit taken back. Something was nagging inside me to try one date. We went on that one date and the rest is history.

I have friends who use eharmony. I never visited the site or other dating sites, but eharmony is one of the bests dating sites. My friend who's very successful met others who were very decent men.

I do not think this list is unrealistic. You lower your standards is when you run into trouble. I took my first marriage as a huge learning lesson. I ignored the red flags which I paid for my mistake in doing so. Usually the true colors of the other person comes out after a few months. My husband now never changed, he stayed true to himself.

Good luck y'all. I hope you all find the man/woman your looking for. I never expected my marriage to be this good, especially going through what I did with my ex h.


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## aston

Jellybeans said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> 
> 
> Omg I love this! :rofl:
> 
> Don't you guys just love how jaded divorce makes us? LOL
> 
> Ain't love grand?


Yup! it's the scar that never disappears LOL:iagree:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I have seen so many good step-dads and adopted dads and so many involved men/fathers/husbands in my community and growing up that it is impossible to ignore that what I want in a man/husband is available (at least in theory.) If there is any town on earth where I could have the life I wanted, this is it. Keeping positive is sometimes a problem. I do make sure I am living the life I want to lead, but leave enough room/flexibility in it to allow for another person (i.e. dating).

I updated my match profile to reflect that I do want a committed, exclusive relationship, but that I intend to 'date around' until that happens. I don't want to scare anyone off, lol.

My kids are FOR having a stepdad, because they know so many dads and stepdads and adoptive dads already in this town. They know how fun it can be, being a family, because they spend time with their friends' families. We function together well as a family without a man, but when my now-former boyfriend was available and not all toked up, he was very much involved and fun with the kids, also concerned about them. So we had a small taste of how it could be. It is really too bad former boyfriend is not more serious about dealing with his problems.


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## EnjoliWoman

My ex is such a bastard I'd love to have a good male role model for my daughter. I'd hoped/thought I'd found it. 

I realize at my age men (AND me) already have some assets they may not want to risk and I would not be offended AT ALL by being asked to sign a pre-nup. 

I would still like a real wedding. Nothing over the top. But I was married at the courthouse the first time for practical reasons. I know it shouldn't make a difference in the success of a marriage but I'd still like it. I'd like it to be more special vs. practical. 

Not the reason I would like to be married, just the way I'd like to do it if I had the opportunity again.


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## dumpedandhappy

Craiglist, unbeleivably, brought into my life a light which shines just as bright now as it did almost 9 months ago.

This person, her entire make-up of personality, career, familly, etc fits too perfectly into my life. 

She is from an entirely different culture than I, suppose it would be called inter-racial by some but I am not a racist. We all bleed red. Even though we are from different worlds, we have so much in common, it is actually spooky!

And the communication between us regardless of her cute and subtle accent or the fact she speaks english as a third or fourth language, is incredible. We speak all the time, have plenty of conversations and find time to engage without argument or lack of regard for the other's opinion. 

And so, in part due to the fact that in her culture ( which is more than an Ocean away from here ) does not allow for "dating" and beyond that my desire to honour her family and respect her Mother and Father, Brother and her Sons...I have committed already to marriage. 

Why? Becasue this woman will in every fibre of her body and soul love me and will always be honest and caring. She herself said,"..if we cannot have intimacy at least 3-4 days a week...then leave me....if you love someone you want them, all the time and desire, passion and intimacy are true signs of love that works between two people...". That is at least for the two of us important enough to beleive in.

At my age (almost 44) I don't wish to enter into a life of "dating". My goals of enjoying the second half of my life with travel, watching the kids grow up and Grandchildren and such are shared by my dearest. I have too much to do and plan for to waste getting in and out of relationships. I have no problem meeting woman and can engage anyone well enough to strike up a friendship or more. 

Besides, this woman, everytime I am near her or think of her brings about a sensation of pure joy, such that nothing else matters even though life throws at me constantly stressors and conflict. 
My feet tingle when she is looking at me, and I care for her so desperatly, I would give my life to see her happy. 

So Marriage for me; this will be the 2nd and it will happen just beyond a year after my separation. 

Craigslist was extremely effective at providing me the extreme good fortune of meeting what I can only say, was a God-Send, a soul-mate. I have no problem of settling into a marriage because I see no problems with doing so at all. 

I consider myself, to be at the very least...beyond fortunate!!


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## EnjoliWoman

That was touching to read. I'd like someone to feel that way about me. Sadly, he doesn't and now after reading that, I know he never will.


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## dumpedandhappy

EnjoliWoman said:


> That was touching to read. I'd like someone to feel that way about me. Sadly, he doesn't and now after reading that, I know he never will.


There are in fact many good men out there. Don't despair. Men aren't the monsters we are made out to be, yes we are a different species...but we want to love just as much as you do. We just have been trained by society to not show it all the time. 

Reach out with love in your heart, and have an open-mind.


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## Holland

dumpedandhappy said:


> There are in fact many good men out there. Don't despair. Men aren't the monsters we are made out to be, yes we are a different species...*but we want to love just as much as you do.* We just have been trained by society to not show it all the time.
> 
> Reach out with love in your heart, and have an open-mind.


I have never thought men to be monsters and have always had great males in my life. My ex is one of them, a great man just not the man for me for the rest of my life.

The men wanting love just as much as women do is the part that had me stumped. Here I am a woman in my 40's and have only now found out that in fact men want serious relationships and deep love. I honestly never knew this until this year :scratchhead:

*Pre nups:* yes yes and yes I would get one done without hesitation. I think second time around and being older it is an important thing to do. Not because I am jaded in any way but because I am realistic and TBH I have a large asset base which is for my children.
Should I ever get married or co habitate then a pre nup will be needed. My SO also has a lot to lose so I guess he would want to do one as well.

Getting married in Vegas would be especially fun for me as I don't live in USA.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I am only going to get married in the Quaker Meeting and not bother with legally recognized marriage. It is only the spiritual marriage that concerns me. As for the financial side, there are agreements and notaries that can be used to shore things up and to make sure the assets (or debts) stay equitable according to income or division of work/energy, and adapt to changes along the way.

On the one hand I am kind of depressed about this last relationship. On the other hand, I'm glad I did spend some weekends with him and while in school and working so that I could discover how he was really like when not turning on the charm to secure attention. He would only make changes and small ones at that, that he would be quick to point out (Look, I'm vacuuming! Look, I cleaned the counter!!! Look, I went to the dump!!!) It was kind of boring. I told him about an A I got on a Shakespeare essay where he had watched the film with me, he asked me to send it to him to read and then he never did. But he would want me to come into his studio and watch him work and ask me to dust his glass off for his open house...I think his facade fell apart when I started reading, drinking beer and eating popcorn and then falling asleep in the studio. He ended up breaking some glass. Gee, I was only doing my homework in a warm place, because he wanted some company and didn't want the bother of running the wood stove in the house. I should be able to laugh about this...soon. I will find someone who actually gives a cr*p and doesn't applaud the fact that he bought more toilet paper at the store for his girlfriend. Good grief, here, let me make you a ribbon out of that.


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## dumpedandhappy

Holland said:


> I have never thought men to be monsters and have always had great males in my life. My ex is one of them, a great man just not the man for me for the rest of my life.
> 
> The men wanting love just as much as women do is the part that had me stumped. Here I am a woman in my 40's and have only now found out that in fact men want serious relationships and deep love. I honestly never knew this until this year :scratchhead:
> 
> *Pre nups:* yes yes and yes I would get one done without hesitation. I think second time around and being older it is an important thing to do. Not because I am jaded in any way but because I am realistic and TBH I have a large asset base which is for my children.
> Should I ever get married or co habitate then a pre nup will be needed. My SO also has a lot to lose so I guess he would want to do one as well.
> 
> Getting married in Vegas would be especially fun for me as I don't live in USA.


Yes. Pre-NUP..ABSOLUTELY!! Great thing for myself is my lady won't accept marriage without one! And although I will sign one I will also make sure she gets something in case of whatever...she deserves something for putting up with my BS...LOL


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## aston

dumpedandhappy said:


> Yes. Pre-NUP..ABSOLUTELY!! Great thing for myself is my lady won't accept marriage without one! And although I will sign one I will also make sure she gets something in case of whatever...she deserves something for putting up with my BS...LOL


You'll notice how alot more women are saying "NO" to marriage proposals now that men are wisening up and asking for a pre-nup. Of course followed with the lame arguement that the guy doesn't "trust" them.
Yea I trust you but I'm just not willing to take a chance with everything I've worked for.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

aston said:


> You'll notice how alot more women are saying "NO" to marriage proposals now that men are wisening up and asking for a pre-nup. Of course followed with the lame arguement that the guy doesn't "trust" them.
> Yea I trust you but I'm just not willing to take a chance with everything I've worked for.


Well to be honest when my now ex-BF said that he wasn't going to ask me to move in and get married, I said to him, are you kidding me, who in their right mind asks that after 4 months of dating someone who has KIDS? I told him that he was a poor risk and that there was no way I would move in with him the way he was now. I had told him that before he said he didn't love me...and I was honest about it...because he had said that if I didn't have kids he would want me to move in. Personally, I think he is a bit of a gold-digger. He is having money trouble, has borrowed from his mother...and owes $ to his ex. His mortgage is super low, but I think his income and reputation as an artisan is suffering because of his weed addiction. NOT MY PROBLEM (and never will be.)

On the other hand, I have a plan to be debt-free when I graduate from college. And have money in the bank, so I will have options. And be free as an individual to make my own decisions about what money is spent for what, and when. Since I've been single and my ex-H isn't promising things to my kids that weren't in my value system, quality of life has gone way up and my financial situation is pretty good. I even had the wherewithal to work at a low-paying research job last summer that was ultimately the right thing to do for my career path.


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## Holland

aston said:


> You'll notice how alot more women are saying "NO" to marriage proposals now that men are wisening up and asking for a pre-nup. Of course followed with the lame arguement that the guy doesn't "trust" them.
> Yea I trust you but I'm just not willing to take a chance with everything I've worked for.


Really? Ya know many women have their own money these days. The 50's are over and women work out of the home now. Regardless the partner that looks after the family/home is considered as making equal contribution in the eyes of the law here, rightly so.
If a marriage were between 2 people of vastly different wealth levels, they had no kids and a short marriage then the courts would take that into account. 

For second or subsequent marriages or co habitations then most of the women I know are as keen or more so for pre nups than the men. 

In my personal situation my current nett and future nett wealth is in the millions. Pre nup is a must or no co habitating with me, no discussion.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Holland said:


> The 50's are over and women work out of the home now.


And then there are ones like me, who can telecommute/contract from home! And there's no way I'm doing all the dishes and all the laundry and all the cleaning and other chores just because I'm home...what it means is that I can get to the gym when the equipment isn't overcrowded, and go to a matinee movies. I mean, I do my chores, but I think when you're working from home, you have to be extra-careful not to do too much domestically, things should still be shared (and this goes for men, too.)


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## EnjoliWoman

I think it makes perfect sense for a second marriage or a first marriage where significant assets exist. It does not put me off or ruin the romance.


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## aston

Holland said:


> Really? Ya know many women have their own money these days. The 50's are over and women work out of the home now. Regardless the partner that looks after the family/home is considered as making equal contribution in the eyes of the law here, rightly so.
> If a marriage were between 2 people of vastly different wealth levels, they had no kids and a short marriage then the courts would take that into account.
> 
> For second or subsequent marriages or co habitations then most of the women I know are as keen or more so for pre nups than the men.
> 
> In my personal situation my current nett and future nett wealth is in the millions. Pre nup is a must or no co habitating with me, no discussion.


Yes I know many women have their own money these days but you show me ONE woman who is content with what she has and I'll show you a unicorn on a bridge for sale.
Net worth in the millions too and more the reason not to take the chance. It's easy for fall in love when there's material gain involved LOL. Look at Paul McCartney (and thats just one of MANY examples)...if a one legged blonde can take him for $200 million you can only imagine what a chick on two legs can do LOL:rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman

It goes both ways. Both parties benefit financially - two together live more cheaply than two separate households.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I think one's self-respect is improved when you're supporting yourself or you know without a doubt you're contributing in a unique way to improve the bottom line/productivity of your spouse.

Some guy offered to 'improve my life' for me...he thought that annual winter trips to Florida were God's gift...I blocked him. Honestly?????


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> It goes both ways. Both parties benefit financially - two together live more cheaply than two separate households.


My daughter pointed this out to me as one of the benefits of marriage...but she saw it as equal contributions, not in the way of mooching...

As the parent of a 22 year old male...who is partnered up and will probably marry...I am happy to have brought him up to expect his spouse/partner to contribute equally or to plan accordingly for their needs that have necessary financial bases attached to them. I would not want my son's potential as a human being to be tied up in the wholesale support of another individual...at some level, that is just morally wrong. It's why I would never expect a man to support me unless he had a vested interest in say, supporting my writing career and it only represented a very small sum as compared to total wealth...and even then, I think I would just feel wrong about it. I would want to know that I could do it myself...as it is I have a VA entitlement that was gifted to me by my ex...but I was raped in our marriage...and I see it as a fair settlement that is worth more to me than what I could have got in a court of law. I know the price I paid for my current educational endeavor and the ability to have a 'room of my own' to write, and the time and wherewithal to do it...and because I know the true price of what I have, I honor it more so. But it was a steep price. Nothing in life is free.


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## aston

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My daughter pointed this out to me as one of the benefits of marriage...but she saw it as equal contributions, not in the way of mooching...
> 
> As the parent of a 22 year old male...who is partnered up and will probably marry...I am happy to have brought him up to expect his spouse/partner to contribute equally or to plan accordingly for their needs that have necessary financial bases attached to them. I would not want my son's potential as a human being to be tied up in the wholesale support of another individual...at some level, that is just morally wrong. It's why I would never expect a man to support me unless he had a vested interest in say, supporting my writing career and it only represented a very small sum as compared to total wealth...and even then, I think I would just feel wrong about it. I would want to know that I could do it myself...as it is I have a VA entitlement that was gifted to me by my ex...but I was raped in our marriage...and I see it as a fair settlement that is worth more to me than what I could have got in a court of law. I know the price I paid for my current educational endeavor and the ability to have a 'room of my own' to write, and the time and wherewithal to do it...and because I know the true price of what I have, I honor it more so. But it was a steep price. Nothing in life is free.


Well said. I gave my ex the house and half a million by choice simply because I've see what kind or a mother she is and continues to be to our children. In a court of law she would have gotten MUCH LESS. Needless to say, my magnanimity despite what she did was in the best interest of the children and not her.
But to think a spouse "owes" the other is just plain wrong unless some quantifiable sacrifices have been made by the other spouse.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

aston said:


> You'll notice how alot more women are saying "NO" to marriage proposals now that men are wisening up and asking for a pre-nup. Of course followed with the lame arguement that the guy doesn't "trust" them.
> Yea I trust you but I'm just not willing to take a chance with everything I've worked for.


Well, I won't disagree with your comment, but will say that in my case, it is because of my business partners that I have decided that I must have a Pre-Nup, so as not to expose others to my mistakes should they happen....and my lady has told me ...she won't agree to marry without one....


----------



## aston

dumpedandhappy said:


> Well, I won't disagree with your comment, but will say that in my case, it is because of my business partners that I have decided that I must have a Pre-Nup, so as not to expose others to my mistakes should they happen....and my lady has told me ...she won't agree to marry without one....


For me it's simple, not going down the marriage road ever again period LOL. And for those who do, PLEASE PLEASE GET A PRE-NUP! and make sure not just assets are divided but ALL liabilities as well LOL. Wanna take half? of you also owe HALF of any liabilities for the lifetime of ownership  Fair enough? LOL


----------



## dumpedandhappy

So then Never Say Never Again? or....

I get your bitterness: I am giving up HUGE equity to provide for my EX in our settlement but the Sea is full of Fish...so...
The next catch could be one where money has no issue, keep an open mind at least...but I hope it works out for you anyway, Marriage isn't a requirement if two can come together without any need for it...
Pay now, pay later...who cares really, can't take it with you and all money does is cause problems in the first place.....
Can't buy me Love....


----------



## ScarletBegonias

aston said:


> Yes I know many women have their own money these days but you show me ONE woman who is content with what she has and I'll show you a unicorn on a bridge for sale.


Here's your ONE woman...Where's the unicorn dude? I'm content with what I have.I took nothing when I left my husband other than the things I purchased on my own.
Money and material assets don't impress me nor do I strive to obtain anything more than what I've earned for myself.


----------



## norajane

ScarletBegonias said:


> Here's your ONE woman...Where's the unicorn dude? I'm content with what I have.


TWO women! I have plenty and don't need or want money from anyone else.


----------



## aston

ScarletBegonias said:


> Here's your ONE woman...Where's the unicorn dude? I'm content with what I have.I took nothing when I left my husband other than the things I purchased on my own.
> Money and material assets don't impress me nor do I strive to obtain anything more than what I've earned for myself.


It was a figure of speech and if you REALLY want to see it then come to Connecticut LOL. You must be the exception.....maybe the 1 percenter lol


----------



## ScarletBegonias

aston said:


> It was a figure of speech and if you REALLY want to see it then come to Connecticut LOL. You must be the exception.....maybe the 1 percenter lol


I got that I HAD to throw in my .02 though of course.

Planning my trip to Connecticut as I type


----------



## aston

norajane said:


> TWO women! I have plenty and don't need or want money from anyone else.


TWO is good ...you can literally count the number of women in that one percent.


----------



## aston

ScarletBegonias said:


> I got that I HAD to throw in my .02 though of course.
> 
> Planning my trip to Connecticut as I type


haha don't forget to bring a sweater cause it's cold out here :smthumbup:


----------



## ScarletBegonias

aston said:


> haha don't forget to bring a sweater cause it's cold out here :smthumbup:


packing my sweaters and long underwear just for the occasion


----------



## aston

ScarletBegonias said:


> packing my sweaters and long underwear just for the occasion


Long Johns? Bring boots too and a thick scarf :rofl:


----------



## Holland

aston said:


> Yes I know many women have their own money these days but you show me ONE woman who is content with what she has and I'll show you a unicorn on a bridge for sale.
> Net worth in the millions too and more the reason not to take the chance. It's easy for fall in love when there's material gain involved LOL. Look at Paul McCartney (and thats just one of MANY examples)...if a one legged blonde can take him for $200 million you can only imagine what a chick on two legs can do LOL:rofl:


You clearly don't know many women. I am very content with what I have as are the amazing women around me. I know of a few lazy, mooching men though. You sound very jaded and misogynistic.


----------



## aston

Holland said:


> You clearly don't know many women. I am very content with what I have as are the amazing women around me. I know of a few lazy, mooching men though. You sound very jaded and misogynistic.


Good you have an amazing woman. Read through the entire post and don't think too hard about it...it's not that serious


----------



## EnjoliWoman

aston said:


> Never ever ever getting married again. Relationships maybe but my trust for women and their intentions (especially when there's the possibility of material gain) has sunk so low it's just not going to happen.


That seems sad.  Not even with a pre-nup? There are good women still - ones that only want a partner in life with no ulterior motives.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

aston said:


> Good you have an amazing woman. Read through the entire post and don't think too hard about it...it's not that serious


Psst... she IS an amazing woman. 

I think she speaks for those of us who are perfectly financially solvent on our own. 

I'm not looking for a provider nor do I want to provide. I'd like someone who makes as much as I do only because I don't make enough to be a sugar momma but I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, either. If living together enables us to have an even nicer life than we have apart, that's great. But it's not a goal or a motive of mine.


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> That seems sad.  Not even with a pre-nup? There are good women still - ones that only want a partner in life with no ulterior motives.


Nah I'm good


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> Psst... she IS an amazing woman.
> 
> I think she speaks for those of us who are perfectly financially solvent on our own.
> 
> I'm not looking for a provider nor do I want to provide. I'd like someone who makes as much as I do only because I don't make enough to be a sugar momma but I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, either. If living together enables us to have an even nicer life than we have apart, that's great. But it's not a goal or a motive of mine.


Good point, you must be part of the 1% minority .


----------



## EnjoliWoman

aston said:


> Good point, you must be part of the 1% minority .


I think there's more than 1% of women in that category. Sounds like you have a personal experience here which may have made you a wee bit biased. 

I really try to avoid generalizations. Sometimes I fail, but I try.


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think there's more than 1% of women in that category. Sounds like you have a personal experience here which may have made you a wee bit biased.
> 
> I really try to avoid generalizations. Sometimes I fail, but I try.


It's hard not to . Not so much personal (less than 10% of it is personal) but not overly general either. However, I'll settle for 2% LOL:rofl:. 

I've heard people make that case before and it always comes full circle, yet to be proven wrong.

I've seen even the most principled women treat a guy they generally won't even look twice at differently the minute they discover his much elevated material status. Another area I'm still yet to be proven wrong LOL.:rofl:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Aston, I've seen that, too. People who can be 'bought' - look at all of the unattractive older men with pretty wives. 

Maybe because I'm not a trophy wife I see things differently. I'll never be a 'barbie' so if a rich guy likes me, he likes ME, not the status I'll bring with my looks. 

On the flip side, I earn over the median income in the US and only have one child. This will sound snobby but I'm stating the facts - blue collar guys think I'm a catch but unless they are very intellectually inclined and goal oriented, I have no interest. It has nothing to do with what they earn and everything to do with compatibility and lifestyle. Whereas white collar men tend (see, trying to not generalize) to not be interested because I'm not a size 2. (I'm not a cow, just not thin.)

So it's a double-edged sword. And I don't have any respect for either shallow version - male or female.


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> Aston, I've seen that, too. People who can be 'bought' - look at all of the unattractive older men with pretty wives.
> 
> Maybe because I'm not a trophy wife I see things differently. I'll never be a 'barbie' so if a rich guy likes me, he likes ME, not the status I'll bring with my looks.
> 
> On the flip side, I earn over the median income in the US and only have one child. This will sound snobby but I'm stating the facts - blue collar guys think I'm a catch but unless they are very intellectually inclined and goal oriented, I have no interest. It has nothing to do with what they earn and everything to do with compatibility and lifestyle. Whereas white collar men tend (see, trying to not generalize) to not be interested because I'm not a size 2. (I'm not a cow, just not thin.)
> 
> So it's a double-edged sword. And I don't have any respect for either shallow version - male or female.


Sounds like we are on the same page . I'm with you on your points. Furthermore a common denominator is that women like yourself usually have either been through a marriage or two or have had some life experience lessons and have "evolved"...for lack of a better time. Usually comes with age . Then again there's a difference between a woman and a girl. 
The same way you see grown men act like boys and some boys with a mature outlook on life beyond their age.
That evolved attitude alone makes anyone a catch, then again thats one in every hundred or so........still keeping you in the 1 - 2 percent LOL:smthumbup:


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Dating is difficult. Finding a partner with good mental health and minimal need for drama is the first priority...having the money to get out to the movies, well, that's preferable too. 

My last boyfriend I got along with great, in theory. But he turned out to be a drama-needing narcissist and a pothead who can't manage his finances. For my own sake, I let him go. He started talking about wanting hardwood floors and marble countertops...and then said he wasn't attracted to me...and honestly, I think he wanted me to have some sympathy for him. He was :-o when I left in the middle of the night. I don't know whether to laugh, or cry. Apparently after he hinted about this horrible thing that happened to him, on FB, his friends were like, ohhhhhhh, again?


----------



## dumpedandhappy

HNU:

You said,"Dating is difficult. Finding a partner with good mental health and minimal need for drama is the first priority...having the money to get out to the movies, well, that's preferable too. " 

That is hilarious! When I was looking around and chatting and meeting for coffee with woman, I ALWAYS made a point of saying that, " I am not now nor have I ever been diagnosed with any mental afflictions, nor do I require diagnosis." 

Cuz, yeah...there are a LOT OF FREAKS out there!!

I seriously got pretty depressed at one point, so many twisted monkeys hanging off the trees it's raining lunatics!!!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

dumpedandhappy said:


> HNU:
> 
> You said,"Dating is difficult. Finding a partner with good mental health and minimal need for drama is the first priority...having the money to get out to the movies, well, that's preferable too. "
> 
> That is hilarious! When I was looking around and chatting and meeting for coffee with woman, I ALWAYS made a point of saying that, " I am not now nor have I ever been diagnosed with any mental afflictions, nor do I require diagnosis."
> 
> Cuz, yeah...there are a LOT OF FREAKS out there!!
> 
> I seriously got pretty depressed at one point, so many twisted monkeys hanging off the trees it's raining lunatics!!!


I was treated for something after my hypoxia and abusive marriage, but it was never labeled. I really value my mental health and how hard I had to work to rehab my brain and bring it back from the brink of insanity. I know for a fact that my life I lead now with its security and stability and all of its joys and challenges is because of my own interest in being present in my life. I don't need someone who hasn't placed value on their mental health and is looking to latch onto a Mommy/codependent to take all that away from me.

If someone is leading a stable life, and they're happy, I don't take that for granted. It's a conscious decision. It's something that they decided to do and did.

My last boyfriend seemed to think that the right person would make that all happen for him. Boy does he have a lot to learn. He seemed eager to keep me as a friend. I don't blame him. I hold him to the same standard as I hold myself. I think he's a bit of a whiner, he gets help from his mom and has his own business with established clientele/outlets and has low costs, and no kids only a dog and a cat and himself to look after. He can barely manage all that. If he doesn't have an audience or someone applauding him, he's lost. He'll smoke pot and literally lose track of which end is up. He doesn't keep regular hours, keeps meaning to get up on time in the a.m. but then stays up til all hours on the internet political junkie and then some. My life is a lot calmer since I broke up with him. It took me a week or so to get used to the silence. I compensated by coming onto TAM to experience second hand what it's like to be in the relationship I cut ties with at 4 months of dating. I honestly should have broke up with him before, I let it go on for too long thinking he was going to change as he said that his situation had been a transitional one...but after observing him for a while I saw that his habits were deeply engrained and I withdrew my help that I'd been extending to him which I considered short term. That's when he crashed, it was a simple matter of taking one day invited to his house not to cook or do dishes, or work on his work stuff but to sleep in after delivering papers from 3-7 a.m. and then do my reading which is homework for my school, which is like a job for me because I get a housing allowance to be here, and I'm dedicated to getting good grades and a solid degree with the knowledge behind it. Well, he lost his attraction for me. Imagine that! And he presented it as a problem for me to solve, at 2 a.m. I only kept him as a friend because I know I can be honest with him. I lost my attraction to him in the last couple weeks.

I have a date with a guy who owns his own business, employees people, and has 5 kids that he enjoys, and still has time to suggest lunch, and going to the movies. Talk about extremes.

Unfortunately my son wasn't feeling well today so my date was postponed. But he took it in stride and suggested lunch another day, no problem.

He sounded fairly sane and happy to me. I hope I like him just as much in person. I could use someone in my life who isn't a f*ck-up and wants to ride on my coat-tails.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

HNU

I hope that fellow works out for you!

The mind is very powerful, many people do not have the skills to tame it and for each of us there are challenges somewhere therein. 

For me, I find that a woman's mind needs to be jsut as sexya s her body or anything else, I cannot possibly get along with someone that is not in control, whose mind is swiss-cheese with imperfections!

A beautiful mind is just as gorgeous as a set of ... well you know!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

dumpedandhappy said:


> HNU
> 
> I hope that fellow works out for you!
> 
> The mind is very powerful, many people do not have the skills to tame it and for each of us there are challenges somewhere therein.
> 
> For me, I find that a woman's mind needs to be jsut as sexya s her body or anything else, I cannot possibly get along with someone that is not in control, whose mind is swiss-cheese with imperfections!
> 
> A beautiful mind is just as gorgeous as a set of ... well you know!


Well, I have all of that, lol. My guy friends have no problem complimenting me on my figure, which I think I must just come by naturally. I dress it some/most days with my guy brain (left half, right half, I forget which half it is....) 

Funny you should mention being in control of one's mind...first thing I told my now-ex boyfriend was that you needed to befriend the monkey on your back, honor it, and feed it peanuts, find out what it wants and make sure it stays busy with a small but steady diet of that...it will never go away but you can keep it in its place and take it out when you need to play. But always keep a rein on it.

He said he needed someone like me in his life. He had the chance but I think he blew it, unless he is taking everything he absorbed from being able to observe me and my habits up close and personal, and is putting all that to use. Honestly, he needs to get off the weed and onto a real Rx for his own good. He's in deep denial, always living in the future while his present literally swallows him up. He can never get on top of his day to day to have any structure to his days. Highly irregular, and even his excuse that's he's an artist...I'm an artist, I write for my art. It requires just as much time as his art...and I work too, and have kids and a dog and a cat and a household to maintain, etc. as well as my health. I don't have any trouble supporting the artist side of me. It's his work, but he doesn't seem to really take it seriously until he starts panicking about money, and then he's too swamped and stressed and overwhelmed emotionally to have it really be art. It becomes production work, like an assembly line. He got a call from one of the galleries because his juried status was going to be in question...quality issue. Well, stop smoking weed and be kind to your inner artist and maybe you wouldn't have to worry about that. Really, he's on the arts and crafts sales circuits at private schools and small communities...and has his work in juried shops...other than that, not much call for it. His habits are catching up with him, he's had returns from galleries...he gets excited when he gets a check, or makes a sale, rather than just filing it for data entry and deposit later. And he gets upset if he gets $50 more propane for his ovens than he expected. Kind of sad. But peeling oneself off the floor is something someone has to do for themselves.

I deliberately didn't tell him that I had an offer of a contract consulting job for a big analytics firm that wants me as a brain to advise the programmers who are brilliant at programming but don't have a clue as to the data content or value of what they're parsing out from the news feed. Instead I told him that if he wanted marble countertops and wood floors, that as a Quaker, I felt he was with the wrong person. I didn't mention to him that I love marble countertops and wood floors. I have wood floors in my apartment, and a marble rolling pin I received as a gift from my adult son. I really do like the finer things in life, but only when they come to me fully earned or qualified. He'd been asking all kinds of questions about my advanced degree and what kind of work did I do...when I told him I might take next summer off and just write and use my student loan set-aside for expenses, he suggested that maybe I would want to work and write... then he said something another time about how if I was single without kids he'd want me to move in...and another time how he had maybe a year of $ to get by on (he lives very cheaply) and that his only hope at retirement was if his mother died solvent and left him a fund (she already lent him money he'll probably never pay back...)

DUDE! I already support an artist or two - myself and my artist son who is 12. Find a way to support yourself and if you want marble countertops and a wood floor instead of plywood for your bedroom, trade some glass for that or get a job in a home construction outfit and hope for the mis-cuts or a discount.

I hope the local nice guy works out for me too. Honestly, someone who can actually deliver a nice evening by the fire instead of having a crappy woodstove in the kitchen that he lets run cold until I'm wearing 4 layers of clothes and a futon sofa that's full of dog hair, dog and possibly fleas... I love the guy, but that's as far as it goes, the physical attraction definitely disappeared with the increase of the unreliability and knowledge of how deep in crap he really is. I definitely can't live under the same roof with a guy like that. I do have a very good guy friend who is remarkably like him, without the pets and the narcissistic tendencies, in fact he's the opposite, tending towards codependent so I rarely if ever ask him to meet up for a meal or for any favors unless I'm desperate or think he could really use a foray out of his house. So having a very close guy friend with similar personal habits made me a bit more flexible and tolerant than I'd usually be. But what's the sense of having marble countertops if your regular run of the mill ones are always cluttered and dirty and piled with dishes and work stuff broken glass etc old roaches and even mice turds. And what's the sense of getting a nice floor when your dog will leave marks in it and it's full of crap and the first night you moved into your house you let your big fish tank siphon out by mistake and you ruined even the plywood floor (and the ceiling downstairs....) If anyone prays, pray for this guy. It would be nice to see him turn around and actually enjoy seeing the sun come up for a change. Even if I won't be there.

He also wanted kids but never had them. 

So this other guy, he said his favorite show was the Waltons. And he has 5 kids. I think I scored points because I mentioned I used to parent 4 stepchildren who are all in their 30's now. My adult son keeps in touch with them...and then I went on to have two more. I'd like to have a big family, one that's healthy and functional. My own family was like a Rob Zombie movie. I've always dreamed about being part of something bigger than myself. I missed my stepkids when I left their father, he was an alcoholic and my infant son wasn't safe with him. The other kids were big enough to look after themselves, more or less. But the kids and a big family were a big attraction to me, just the wrong guy I guess. I didn't stay with him very long. Here in my small town and wherever I've lived, I've always been attached to bigger groups that are families, like my dance friends and neighbors and my friends that I camp with every summer, are all like family. But I'd like to have that 24-7 not as the occasional. Although weekends when all the kids are away.....


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

The worst thing about being single and looking is the lineup of single men on the dating sites. So many single people looking for someone/something...of course often that's just a hookup, but still. It's so depressing.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

It's all in how you look at it. It can be an adventure. I find it interesting to learn about different people, their careers and families and hobbies. Usually a string of first dates before you hit on one that is worthy of more. 

After the party Friday at the country club a couple of us are going out since we'll already be dressed up. Will be nice to get out. Not going to sit at home.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's all in how you look at it. It can be an adventure. I find it interesting to learn about different people, their careers and families and hobbies. Usually a string of first dates before you hit on one that is worthy of more.
> 
> After the party Friday at the country club a couple of us are going out since we'll already be dressed up. Will be nice to get out. Not going to sit at home.


For whatever reason, I ended up with two dates tomorrow.
I just never saw myself as the kind of person who would end up having lunch with one guy and dinner with another. The lunch is a re-scheduled breakfast, one of my kids wasn't feeling well yesterday and stayed home from school. 

Saturday will be all mine. Going to the dump, writing all day - who knows where - maybe will change it up a bit and take it on the road to a coffee shop ... and in the evening there's a milonga (Argentine Tango dance party...) Sunday I'm scheduled to start the fire at Quaker meeting, so will have the meeting house to myself for an hour. 

Fortunately I haven't had to deal with any other interest, I think my profile does a good job of weeding out the insincere...so don't feel overwhelmed by the whole dating thing. I've got far enough away from my last relationship to see that it really wasn't a healthy environment. He's the way he is, apparently he's always been this way... 

I don't know about meeting a whole bunch of interesting people.... I do that in my ordinary social life, I have friends who are different and interesting, I interview artists, etc. I know a lot of different people from my school, my dance, my town/kids' activities, my writing...I have 'interesting people' covered. 
I know a LOT of artists, and other people that I know well, I know very well. 

All I want from my dating is a compatible partner, who enjoys most if not all of the same things I do, and has comparable values, lifestyle and habits. I'd like to have dinner, go to the movies. Walk around town. Pretty much the same things I do with my best guy friend, only in a relationship, with some mutual attraction and appreciation going on physically.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Ah, you do have a busy, happening life.  Where I work it's a small company, all of the men are married or taken. I have to go home to daughter each night, gym 3 nights, no one there talks, focus on working out. Weekends are spent with one or two friends; one is married. You've read boyfriend scenario - no other people joining us. Other weekends are spent with kid - her friends or the two of us. 

It's hard - I'm very social. I would love it if boyfriend (or whatever he is now) had introduced me to his crowd - I think it could have been a lot of fun meeting them, learning about him, befriending some of the women. I love sports bars, new restaurants, coffee places, hiking, strolling, exploring new places... I don't feel I've gotten to do any of that. I'm bored and stagnant. Hence the need for the alone time trip, I think. HE gets to go out all of the time. No child obligations, works from home. Meets friends for coffee, lunch, drinks, dinner - all week long. 

My daughter is just now of the age where I can leave her alone but I don't want to for long - doesn't seem right. Leaving her to do homework while I go off to do stuff isn't good parenting to me. 

I'd like to work toward my Six Sigma or join Toastmasters. I just feel right now my primary focus should be my daughter in the evenings. I wish I could meet the right guy so I had his company in the evenings. I loved it when BF came over for dinner and we could hang out and talk while she did homework. 

Thinking about all of this really bums me out.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Ah, you do have a busy, happening life.  Where I work it's a small company, all of the men are married or taken. I have to go home to daughter each night, gym 3 nights, no one there talks, focus on working out. Weekends are spent with one or two friends; one is married. You've read boyfriend scenario - no other people joining us. Other weekends are spent with kid - her friends or the two of us.
> 
> It's hard - I'm very social. I would love it if boyfriend (or whatever he is now) had introduced me to his crowd - I think it could have been a lot of fun meeting them, learning about him, befriending some of the women. I love sports bars, new restaurants, coffee places, hiking, strolling, exploring new places... I don't feel I've gotten to do any of that. I'm bored and stagnant. Hence the need for the alone time trip, I think. HE gets to go out all of the time. No child obligations, works from home. Meets friends for coffee, lunch, drinks, dinner - all week long.
> 
> My daughter is just now of the age where I can leave her alone but I don't want to for long - doesn't seem right. Leaving her to do homework while I go off to do stuff isn't good parenting to me.
> 
> I'd like to work toward my Six Sigma or join Toastmasters. I just feel right now my primary focus should be my daughter in the evenings. I wish I could meet the right guy so I had his company in the evenings. I loved it when BF came over for dinner and we could hang out and talk while she did homework.
> 
> Thinking about all of this really bums me out.


:-( You definitely need to get out. You know, I did Toastmasters quite some time ago, and I took my now 22-year old son with me. I think he learned a lot, and once in a while he would do a guest speech, just for fun. Mostly he was the person who turned the lights for the time-keeper. 

I taught and sometimes attended adult community education. My son took an ornithology class and both of us too astronomy. We went to star watching nights at an astronomy club.

Sometimes when I go to Argentine Tango class or a salsa class I bring my kids. My son who is only 12 can lead the Bachata basics and started on West Coast Swing and did very well with that. 

I guess I am lucky in that I'm in college and besides being the same age and sometimes older than my instructors, I'm in the type of major (literature and writing) that transcends age. I get along very well with my classmates. I don't think too much about age, it's all social, and I'm respected for my writing, and my stability in getting to classes.

I work from home, so my work life is rather strange. I do know my client-bosses pretty well, as some of them saw me through my brain injury and then gave me more work when I was recovered/recovering. Their patience has paid off! I can do more work more efficiently than ever before. I do have an interview next Monday with a big firm that has a patent for text analytics. What I do is a niche. It fits in with my major, so my overall life makes sense (except for my love life....)

Maybe if you can take a fitness class or volunteer with your daughter, like at an animal shelter walking dogs or at a community garden club or going to Toastmasters, your life will feel more full.

I suggested to my date tomorrow night that we go for a taco at my favorite taco joint and then to the theater to see some films that are being shown as part of a festival. I thought about going to a nice restaurant and being dressed up and felt peeved, I really just want to go to the taco joint and the theater, it's what I would do if I were on my own. lol. Fortunately he said okay. 

I did make the mistake of neglecting some of my favorite things to do, in favor of spending time with my last boyfriend, but he could never get to a point, even with my help, that he could do all the things he said he liked doing, on his profile. He couldn't even keep his house clean, and I'm allergic to dust mites and didn't feel comfortable at his house, or clean. So that ended. I don't mind helping someone out in a pinch, but a pinch does not last 4 months. I'm not a 'someday' person, I'm a TODAY person. I need my life to have something good and valuable in it most days. SOMETIMES that's the nice feeling of helping someone out...but after a while that gets old. I need to get to the movies and dance class. If someone wants to be with me, they need to be available to go out and have some downtime.

They also need to respect that when I'm home, I'm sometimes/often at work. Or when I'm doing school stuff, that's work too, and very important to me. 

I don't want to be a placeholder in my own life.

I feel much healthier without this last boyfriend of mine calling me every day. He was such a downer. After 4 months of hopeful anticipation and some carrots thrown my way....

I am ready for something/someone else.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Did you homeschool? How did you have time for all of that with a child? So M/W/F are out since her stuff is 4:30-7:30, that only leaves time to get home, have dinner, homework, shower, bed. 

T/Th I get home at 5:30 if there are no delays... Kiddo usually has a couple hours of homework plus dinner - seems like our time is sucked up. She's more into athletics, drama, acting, climbing, etc. so maybe she'd like toastmasters. Hm.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Did you homeschool? How did you have time for all of that with a child? So M/W/F are out since her stuff is 4:30-7:30, that only leaves time to get home, have dinner, homework, shower, bed.
> 
> T/Th I get home at 5:30 if there are no delays... Kiddo usually has a couple hours of homework plus dinner - seems like our time is sucked up. She's more into athletics, drama, acting, climbing, etc. so maybe she'd like toastmasters. Hm.


My older son was homeschooling, yes. We got along great. I worked from home. I still work from home. My younger two kids to go a public school about 1/2 mile from our apartment. We live a very streamlined low-maintenance home life, so it gives us time for other stuff. I make it a priority to get to dance class and to the movies and gallery showings, etc. I'm open-ended about how my life will progress as the kids get older. I might end up more involved with art galleries and art school, or cinematography, or writing....and dance will always be there for me unless I become physically disabled. 

I had a lunch date today. It was just kind of boring. I think I hate dating. I have another date tonight. Probably after today I won't date. I'm not even sure I like men. I know I liked my boyfriend a lot, the one that had the brain hemorrhage. We got along great together. I just don't think I can find someone like that through Match or eHarmony or whatever. I just need to do what my life involves doing, and I'll either end up with someone, or not. To be honest, I'm really pissed at my last boyfriend. He could have been really compatible with me if he wasn't such a f*ck-up. Then he put me as a friend on FB but he's editing his posts so that they're not available to me...it will be there one minute and the next minute it's gone. Some friend. I unfriended him. Who needs that, you want to be my friend, call me up and make a date to go mountain biking. Blech. Just fed up. 

And professional guys are like, oh wow you must be busy. Yes, I am busy, and yes, I have time to relax, and no I won't be spending my relaxing time doing your dishes or your laundry or your mending or hanging around waiting for you to finish whatever it was you were still doing when I showed up for our date. The guy I had lunch with today just seemed, well, lonely. He drinks Scotch at night. If that's your selling point, I just don't get it.


----------



## Holland

I am seriously in love with my guy.

We have just had a beautiful weekend together. I am really proud of how I am handling myself in this relationship. Not taking things too fast and for the first time in any relationship I am able to communicate in an effective, respectful and positive way. We listen and understand each other.

Far out there is such a world of difference between communicating with someone that speaks the same language verses someone that doesn't. What I mean by that is that ex and I would talk but not understand each other, it was so confusing and frustrating. The walls were always up.

With SO we talk and actually hear what the other is saying, it all makes sense. There is no accusation it is all about learning about the other and strengthening us as a couple.

I have never felt so validated and important.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well...neither guy worked out for me. I posted about the popcorn incident and the taking elastics out of braces at the table incident...following the demo of his special glasses after I answered no I wasn't interested...guy with 5 kids is pleasant enough he is now an acquaintance I can shoot the sh*t with locally over a drink or go skiing with... but I went for an interview and hit it off with my new client/boss... so plan to be pretty busy and entertained by work now as well as my usual 'home' life with my kids, and school/writing. I won't have time for dating other than keeping up with my films and dancing and activities with kids (going to plays, art classes, skiing, skating...)..but work will be fun and rewarding. It's been a while since I worked in a professional capacity...I've been sort of on cruise control helping people with research, hedging on the side of having more mom time and rest time and had a sort of setback a couple years ago with a brain injury that sidelined me for a whole year (!!!!!)...but the right opportunity and the right boss and team and projects... I'd be stupid not to jump at the opportunity. Perfect timing...


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## aston

No will do. Dating but marriage hell no. Been there done that got the t shirt and hung it up.


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## Jellybeans

aston said:


> No will do. Dating but marriage hell no. Been there done that got the t shirt and hung it up.


...then lit it on fire and watched it burn in the flames.

LOLl.

That is how I feel.

I told my sis about marriage "Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and have too many clothes in my closet already. Do not need another one." 

She :rofl:'ed of course. Cause I'm a comedian. LOL.


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## aston

Jellybeans said:


> ...then lit it on fire and watched it burn in the flames.
> 
> LOLl.
> 
> That is how I feel.
> 
> I told my sis about marriage "Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and have too many clothes in my closet already. Do not need another one."
> 
> She :rofl:'ed of course. Cause I'm a comedian. LOL.


What's it worth if oyu can't have a laugh lol:smthumbup:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I'm still a sucker for the 'holding hands in rocking chairs side by side on the front porch" image. I figure I deserve love. I've never had it and shouldn't we all get it at least once?


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm still a sucker for the 'holding hands in rocking chairs side by side on the front porch" image. I figure I deserve love. I've never had it and shouldn't we all get it at least once?


ehhhh it's all good until someone farts :rofl:


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## DTO

Jellybeans said:


> *Is anyone else now dating with a view towards marriage?*
> 
> Oh * helllll* no! Lol. I'm not even dating period.
> 
> As far as marriage goes--I'm not sure it is something I would *ever* do again.


I hear you. I am not dating either, although I've gone out a few times and turned down two relationship offers. I don't miss it. It's not that I am averse to it; I simply have a lot going on.

Marriage (or any serious relationship) is something I might not do again - at least not any time soon. I am very busy (and content) with raising / bonding with my child and rebuilding my career. Bringing someone else into my life would mean disrupting that to some extent, which means that I would have to be VERY interested in someone to even pursue them romantically.

Kinda rambly, but my point is that I really had no problem building a fulfilling life for myself. I lost my job and then my wife and that sucked. But I kept up with other former co-workers and that helped. Then I went to b-school, and then got a job, and that helped a great deal. There is a whole world of things to do and interests to pursue, and absolutely no reason to build a fulfilling life for yourself that is yours alone.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

In the past week, I turned down an offer of a T-day dinner being cooked and brought to my house (close guy friend, would have been awkward, I'll see him Sunday, we dance together...), an offer of a drink or whatever else I wanted, I'm sure...and both of these people texted me on the holiday, plus two other men I know. 

The guy who offered the drink, I could date, but I'm not feeling it, we met through Match, he's local, so we decided we could be friends. One of the other guys, I am friends with, gave ride to airport, took him to art museum with my kids...but never any romantic stuff, he is dance instructor...the last guy we have danced together and he texts off and on, we get along fine together, but there is a language barrier (my Spanish is getting better) and also economic/intellectual hurdles, however, I did tell him we should go out club dancing sometime. He's a nice guy, I have a lot of fun dancing with him. 

I'm on eHarmony and I force myself to answer all those questions and do the communication thing, I'm not particularly enamored by any one guy, I met one guy through eHarmony during the summer, we went to dinner and a movie, but didn't go out again, no spark at all. No biggie. Different lifestyle.

I went on a job interview and really hit it off with my new boss-client. My new jobs (a couple different projects) are going to be interesting enough, so I'm kind of thinking, why muddy the waters with dating anyone, I should just focus on my work and studies and my own recreational pursuits.

I have a profile on Match but I hid it after my interview/meeting. Maybe I should put it back up in case the new boss wants to look, haha. 

Honestly though, that's where I am. It's almost overwhelming to meet someone I really click with and have it be a client. Based on his actions and communication, it seems mutual. What a mess, I think, but it doesn't *feel* like a mess. I'm trying not to think about it...looking forward to getting to Quaker Meeting Sunday to gain clarity. I might go back to see the shaman about this one. My energy is changing...like it's been solidified at a center core and yet permanently linked to something external. There is a theory about this: quantum teleportation... which unsurprisingly is not contradictory to shamanic methods...and my feelings.

Anyway, my non-dating life is going well, but it is at once complex and also very simple. I'm in a status of "don't mess with it" and let it be.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Sounds like good things are happening and there's no reason work and personal can't coexist in the same space peacefully. Let it happen - I know you won't let it interfere with your professionalism. There are some people who can handle that and I believe you are one of them.

I'm not pushing anything right now. I don't want to go back to match yet. I'd like to see what happens in the next two months with my guy. A lot might be resolved - his wife decided to buy out his share of the house and they can file in January and his bday is that month, too. So a lot of positives can happen and allow his head to clear. And I'll be prepared to move on if he is still waffling because I will have given things enough time. If it's still not enough time for him, oh well. I can't wait around forever. And if he heals enough and is open for love and wants to reconnect later, maybe I'll be available but I'm not going to wait.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sounds like good things are happening and there's no reason work and personal can't coexist in the same space peacefully. Let it happen - I know you won't let it interfere with your professionalism. There are some people who can handle that and I believe you are one of them.
> 
> I'm not pushing anything right now. I don't want to go back to match yet. I'd like to see what happens in the next two months with my guy. A lot might be resolved - his wife decided to buy out his share of the house and they can file in January and his bday is that month, too. So a lot of positives can happen and allow his head to clear. And I'll be prepared to move on if he is still waffling because I will have given things enough time. If it's still not enough time for him, oh well. I can't wait around forever. And if he heals enough and is open for love and wants to reconnect later, maybe I'll be available but I'm not going to wait.


Thanks for the vote of confidence. I admire your patience.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Thanks for the vote of confidence. I admire your patience.


I'm not sure it's patience as I don't have it anymore. He sort of dropped of the earth then replied with very few words to texts and when I asked what was going on he said "holidays, divorce, work - I'm sorry". I felt I was getting the brush off and he was having a pity party (and I don't have a lot of patience for those). Here is what I wrote him (names changed to protect the innocent):



> Thing is, what does 'fixing' you entail? And it really isn't fixing - don't look at it hat way - it's healing. Counseling and meds (which I really think you need to take care of soon if you haven't already - it takes weeks to take effect). And even when you feel whole and healed again, will you feel any differently about me? Are you trying to put off the inevitable? I feel you are trying to limit the guilt you feel. I know you didn't knowingly lead me on. It hurts to know someone doesn't feel the same way but it's not anyone's FAULT.
> 
> I'm dealing a lot of the same things you are - life, relationships, holidays, work and possibly interviews. My dog died, my boyfriend broke up with me, they rescinded their offer of an office and now I'm basically being asked to go back to my old job for my current salary. I think I need to start over somewhere new where I was never an administrative assistant for me to not be viewed as one. I earned this job, I did my time and I DON'T want to take a step backwards. The holidays are coming and I just had to spend $252 on a vet bill and probably the same on her cremation - I'll get that bill Friday charged to my debit. And this time last year the guy I was dating broke it off, too. November is a bad month for me, apparently. And here I bought a beautiful 1950s style ****tail dress anticipating VP would have his annual holiday party and now he retired.
> 
> I asked for boundaries and I didn't get them. I had fun at kiddo's event and I thought I could deal with having you in my life on a casual basis but I was crying as you drove away and I don't know if I can. You can call it pause or rewind if you want but you are putting distance between us. You are ceasing contact bit by bit, you don't want to get together with me and are asking me to wait. If you DID fall in love with me, it won't be by seeing less of me, it would be by admiring my standing by you when you need me. I should not be a source of stress. What I wanted from you was something along theses lines: "I'd like to still see you but let's hold off on sex until I feel I've healed emotionally enough to venture back into that. I'd still like to see you on a more casual basis and keep in touch several times a week via text." I need specifics. Maybe your specifics are "I need to eliminate all possible sources of stress, including emotional stress for the time being. I have no energy to devote to dating or texting much less a relationship and need just friendships right now to keep things light."
> 
> I'm sorry by writing this email that I'm putting that pressure on you but I deserve to know the rules . Our relationship should have been different from practically the start, after the first several months, anyway. "Normal" dating relationships evolve to meeting friends to hang out, getting to see how that person interacts with friends and family... by now I should have met a LOT of your friends and I should have been invited to attend your church (just as a friend). I should have been invited along to places like Auburn to meet and hang with your friend's wife. (Not guy-only trips, of course.) When I spent the night we should have made breakfast and spent the day together even if it was watching movies, raking leaves, etc. Because you didn't want STBXW to know you were dating (which has NO legal bearing and NO effect on equitable distribution since you've been physically separated so that's really not a reason.) we missed out on all of that - that's the way dating couples act in my experience. Sometimes I might have to decline because of kiddo but I never even got the chance. So it's obvious you didn't feel the same way by your actions. I had even thought if you went to {sister's I helped move out of state} over the holidays, you might want me to ride with you.
> 
> I know dealing with the divorce isn't easy - I've done it - we just didn't have a money to sort out because he always blew it all on the next greatest idea. At least you aren't starting from zero. I had to make a huge lifestyle adjustment but in the end the peace and emotional stability had an amazingly positive impact on me. He was abusive, yours cheated - such is life. It just wasn't during Christmas it was summer. But the only way to make positive change is to move forward and stop looking back. What you thought you had with her wasn't what you had. You are mourning the loss of what you had years and years ago. And work sucks for both of us. I hope your interviews go well - I think you have a lot to offer a future employer. I'm not playing tit-for-tat but pointing out that what you are dealing with, although it's YOURS, it's not new. You'll make it through like thousands of others. Hang in there.
> 
> Sorry I'm stuck with saying this in email - yes, lots stuff should be addressed in person or over the phone but I never get those options so email it is!  I'm also stuck with a full bottle of Hendrick's and 20% of another.  Hey, I've developed a taste for Blue Moon - who knows, maybe I'll like gin - it's okay with 7up.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm not sure it's patience as I don't have it anymore. He sort of dropped of the earth then replied with very few words to texts and when I asked what was going on he said "holidays, divorce, work - I'm sorry". I felt I was getting the brush off and he was having a pity party (and I don't have a lot of patience for those). Here is what I wrote him (names changed to protect the innocent):


It sounds like you'd be better off being done with him. It stinks, but you can tell someone you love them and just move on. The only real advice I have is to buy dresses more often! Go to thrift and resale shops and even yard sales and get them even when you don't need them! I have some fantastic dance and evening/party dresses I got for a steal, about $8-$28 each. My kids love them, and I love having that many dresses to choose from in my closet. Along with the figure to put in them, I imagine it's a bit like being fabulously wealthy without all the awful responsibilities that go along with that. (Like having to kiss up to the dressmaker to make sure nobody else wears the same thing, or close to it, lol.)

So, my old boyfriend finally did email me. He sounds really dismal, saying he was on his own and not wanting to date again after what happened between us (like it was my fault!) but he is on Match. I did tell him he's an emotional *****. He does need therapy and Rx, it's sad that he used a relationship to go off of all that, and then to take up smoking pot on a regular basis, with all of its addictions. He really does not remember exactly what happened the night I left. 

I encouraged him to look for someone more happy go lucky and more willing to move in and clean and do laundry and share bills, someone without kids or with one kid who can get along okay, who has a job but not one that has to be brought home or carried around in intellectual space. I'd never say never on him finding someone who can be his constant admirer, it's just not me. 

But even after he said he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me, now he's saying if I hadn't done whatever that night and left, he was going to see if he felt differently in the morning. At least that's what he says now. Good lord. He sounded bitter that I was going to go out with my new boss/client, and said to forget about him, he's an anomaly. Wished me luck, blah blah blah. 

I honestly think he brought on the end of the relationship as he was feeling closer and felt insecure and wanted to bring about what he perceived as eventual failure. Or who knows, maybe he under-estimated what it would take to find a new girlfriend, and is now pissed that I didn't even try and found someone, and have been out on dates and rejected relationship possibilities even though the guys were really keen on me. One's the guy who violated all those boundaries in just one evening, the other is a local Republican with 5 kids (sounds like fun but I'd end up sacrificing my writing time and my lifestyle...he hasn't ever traveled, only speaks English, etc.)

Actually, I was successfully ambushed!!!!! (it was brilliant, I never saw it coming) but I'm okay with that and in actuality it is really the only way someone can get under my skin...oblique approach. So it was a coffee date and not all job interview. I still have work, and now I can spend time with someone who understands what I'm doing, and if it works out, business trips will be fun. This guy is gold, he took the plunge and separated work from business definitively. Arranging for one date this week and offering daytime possibilities and mentioning next week too. 
None of this iffy stuff. He's free *all* week. He passes standards for being Mongolian at heart. Direct. No hesitation, go ahead and ask for what you want. But respect the woman as your equal while at the same time admiring her. THIS guy is someone my boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage would want me to be involved with. One of the things he said to a guy at a dinner-dance party almost a year ago now who asked him if it was okay to ask me to dance, was that I was my own woman, and I was free to make my own choices. When my new boss/client/teammate asked me to dinner, I could hear my old friend saying that all over again. It feels right, and I don't want to insult him by using the freedom he gave me for someone who's not actually worthy. There's something he called me and that was a true believer. My communication with this guy who has asked me out has convinced me that he's of the same mind, it's not something that can be faked. You either live it and understand it, or you don't. If you're a true believer, it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who isn't. You can hope that someone will come around, but as they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I think he would have approved of my efforts with the guy who fell apart. He had said he needed someone like me in his life, and even though it was tough for him, maybe being loved in that honest direct way will have some kind of positive effect after he peels himself off the ground. I don't think I did the wrong thing in loving him, but because of how he acts/acted it's not safe or healthy to share any intimate space with him. I did explain this. I also stuck to how I felt in the relationship, based on his actions and words. He gave out honesty and so I said I was entitled to it as well, and that if he wanted to take risks so he could get what he wanted, he had better toughen up and be his own advocate. This means having a side of you that's able to pick yourself up off the floor, out of the ditch, etc. 

Anyway, I'll feel terrible if things don't work out with my Mongolian-at-heart pal, but there is something about this that sits right on top of the core of my being, and all the way back through the whole history of my life, something I call my plumb line. It's a bit more than being centered. Difficult to explain. But it does give access to a wider emotional space. Maybe love just takes practice.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I imagine that's how it would be, just falling into the right situation that was effortless... I thought that's how close I got. But my irritation at his lack of commitment and inability to make a decision is annoying me and helping me get over it. Plus I have had several weeks to adjust to the idea.

Sounds like the other guy has poor self esteem and convinced himself he was a failure, the relationship would, by default, be a failure so took a preemptive strike. An effective one. And it backfired because you didn't react the way he wanted you to. I'm so glad you 'fell' into this new situation.

Of course I'm not returning any dress - I'm not CRAZY! And the taffeta is timeless! At a size 16 I don't have the perfect body for anything I put on but I know how to work my assets (and I gain evenly - I hate the stick leg/big belly look on women - whew!) and I know how to have fun. I can carry on a conversation with a street person to a millionaire entrepreneur and I'm good in mud-covered boots and spike heeled knee boots. I know I have a lot to offer the right guy. 

I have very little practice in love so I hope it doesn't take TOO much practice!  

Congrats.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> I imagine that's how it would be, just falling into the right situation that was effortless... I thought that's how close I got. But my irritation at his lack of commitment and inability to make a decision is annoying me and helping me get over it. Plus I have had several weeks to adjust to the idea.
> 
> Sounds like the other guy has poor self esteem and convinced himself he was a failure, the relationship would, by default, be a failure so took a preemptive strike. An effective one. And it backfired because you didn't react the way he wanted you to. I'm so glad you 'fell' into this new situation.
> 
> Of course I'm not returning any dress - I'm not CRAZY! And the taffeta is timeless! At a size 16 I don't have the perfect body for anything I put on but I know how to work my assets (and I gain evenly - I hate the stick leg/big belly look on women - whew!) and I know how to have fun. I can carry on a conversation with a street person to a millionaire entrepreneur and I'm good in mud-covered boots and spike heeled knee boots. I know I have a lot to offer the right guy.
> 
> I have very little practice in love so I hope it doesn't take TOO much practice!
> 
> Congrats.


Awesome. YOU have presence, which I can never have, unless I'm dancing. I get comments like 'I love that dress' more often than I'll get comments that I look awesome in the dress...but lately people (men I know) have been venturing to 'pretty' and so forth, which is nice. The guy friend I inherited from the guy who had the brain hemorrhage, though, just tells it like he sees, it, he's the guy who says he thinks I'm a total knock out. But to each his own. My function in his life is to attract more of the same. He loves being seen in restaurants with me. I have issues with being noticed, but will pour it on for him for that effect. I don't work a room, unless you could call stealth mode a form of that activity. It's taken me a lot to strike up a conversation with someone, but I got better at it after my brain injury loosened up my impulse control and kept me from over-thinking anything. Now I'm capable of over-thinking, but I've realized that it's just another form of self-torture and largely unnecessary and ineffective as compared to pure intuition and impulse initiated from a well-established center. 

Yah, I don't really know what this last guy's issues are, in particular. In the end it's about the relationship space, what's created by the two people. Even without changing, he could find someone who would be suitable for him. I know it's not me. I have myself to take care of, and to hold my own in a relationship, I can't be running circles around my guy on a regular basis trying to keep him corralled in a safe emotional place. That's just way too much energy. It's one thing to be supportive, but there are boundaries. Adults do need to be responsible for themselves, and in a relationship to communicate about issues, not to just do something like stop taking Zoloft and going to therapy, and start smoking pot. I was really up front about my neuro meds. I'm actually weaning them down a bit, but carefully so and under a nurse's care. I had upped them in order to stay calm as he became more and more emotionally agitated. I didn't want to make matters worse by kneejerking, know what I mean?


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## EnjoliWoman

I love the uniqueness of the world.  This board is a small cross-section. You are BRILLIANT in a way I can't be. Yes, I can mingle, sip, and work a room at a party. But I do it by asking questions and sharing enough to ask some more. I know a little about a lot but not a lot about anything.  I usually get "I love that dress/color on you" so I guess that's a happy in between.

I'm fortunately very grounded (product of engineer and nurse upbringing!) and very happy-go-lucky. I just need someone who appreciates all of those parts of me.  AND my fluffy butt.  (Jeggings are my enemy and your friend!)

I'm happy for you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> I love the uniqueness of the world.  This board is a small cross-section. You are BRILLIANT in a way I can't be. Yes, I can mingle, sip, and work a room at a party. But I do it by asking questions and sharing enough to ask some more. I know a little about a lot but not a lot about anything.  I usually get "I love that dress/color on you" so I guess that's a happy in between.
> 
> I'm fortunately very grounded (product of engineer and nurse upbringing!) and very happy-go-lucky. I just need someone who appreciates all of those parts of me.  AND my fluffy butt.  (Jeggings are my enemy and your friend!)
> 
> I'm happy for you.


Well, I think you should be more than happy for me, because it seems like I'm only one step ahead of you in terms of where we were in relationships, my guess is having got your game on, you'll be in center court pretty soon yourself. The jeggings were intended to be a joke, but I wore them to dance class and got rave reviews except for the drama queen, who steamed a bit. (Then this past class, the instructor said to her, remember when ---my name--- wore that fantastic outfit and her silver shoes how sexy that looked?) He HAD to bring it up. This woman is great, in fact, she has every attribute to be a woman's woman, a guy's woman, just...a woman. Inside she is a beautiful person, but she has this 'act' that centers around her dance persona, along with a fake Spanish accent, the kind Anglos pick up when they hang out with Latinos, and then aren't around them any more...and it just makes her unlikable...but the unlikable part is that she's unlikable. We're all just waiting for her to chill, so we can love her to pieces. Maybe we should try harder, and she will chill from that. I honestly believe that just about everyone, short of psychopaths, are lovable in their native state...and it's the layers that infuriate. Of course, my own layers irritate me, too, I constantly trying to find situations where I can ummmm, expose myself. Not in that way, but just emotionally. I think it makes for a much better life, not having one's guard up all the time.

I was just thinking, the way the ambush worked, was that they successfully engaged my thinking parts in the interview process, and made the advance attack obliquely, before I could think to put my guard up. Because of the setting, I wasn't thinking that I would have to defend my emotional bits. So I didn't even bother to put my guard up. I should have figured this out before, during the interview, when we talked about fencing. Touche', ouch! What hurts is I've got a few years on this guy, and he still bested me, but as Juliet says, to lose a winning match...


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## EnjoliWoman

LOL, OK - MORE than happy for you.  You made me smile.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Update...it was a learning experience. I gave myself in to the relationship 100% and learned very quickly that the relationship "space" doesn't work, there is no spiritual grounding on his part to balance back up against mine. In effect, I could do better by purchasing a d*ldo. Without that spiritual grounding, a relationship for me is dull, boring and inconsequential. I had no trouble communicating all this to client/date. Honestly I think he used my spirituality as a key to gaining access to my inner core...but once in there he was at a loss for what to do or how to be. So it ended up not working, no regrets for having tried. I also learned a lot about him in terms of how he does his self-care and it's not up to my standards...he is all over the board and not firmly grounded. Maybe it's just a factor of his age, which is 10 years younger than me. But I think a lot of it is personality, he has a general lack of caring (about anything) and can afford way too many diversions than are good for him. He had some kind of personal crisis a couple years ago, and it doesn't seem as though he is really addressing the factors that led to that crash, just dusting himself off and banging his head against the exact same place thinking this time he will succeed. It's not that it's too painful to be involved, it's just that I don't think he's going in the same direction as I am, isn't in the same place (although first he intimated that he was) and probably doesn't want the same things. So I cut him off :-o It was the right thing to do.

I have other options where the relationship space is good, although the individual on his own wasn't initially appealing...but in the end it is all about relationship space and not entirely about the other person.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

dumpedandhappy said:


> HNU:
> 
> You said,"Dating is difficult. Finding a partner with good mental health and minimal need for drama is the first priority...having the money to get out to the movies, well, that's preferable too. "
> 
> That is hilarious! When I was looking around and chatting and meeting for coffee with woman, I ALWAYS made a point of saying that, " I am not now nor have I ever been diagnosed with any mental afflictions, nor do I require diagnosis."
> 
> Cuz, yeah...there are a LOT OF FREAKS out there!!
> 
> I seriously got pretty depressed at one point, so many twisted monkeys hanging off the trees it's raining lunatics!!!


No mental illness, but you got depressed and can't deal with the monkeys who would rather be on your back. I'll stop short at diagnosing, but you are disconnected with reality...you need to make friends with it, lean in closer


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## Freak On a Leash

I've been living separately from my husband for 2 years and am in the process of divorcing him. One thing that this has all shown me is how much more suited I am living alone and on my own. I am convinced that I never should've gotten married. I absolutely LOVE living alone. I have NO desire to live with or get deeply committed with another person at all. I don't feel lonely and I love the freedom of being by myself, able to do anything I want, when I want and how I want. 

So I will never live with anyone again, never mind marry them. I'd sooner pull my fingernails out from my fingers than get married again! 

My kids are on the cusp of being on my own and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life when they are. I know I want to travel and probably will relocate to some other place, do something interesting with the rest of my life. For the past 20 years I've been tied to where I live now, either by my business and now my kids and I really want to go someplace new, so the last thing I want to do is get committed to anybody in a serious way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> I've been living separately from my husband for 2 years and am in the process of divorcing him. One thing that this has all shown me is how much more suited I am living alone and on my own. I am convinced that I never should've gotten married. I absolutely LOVE living alone. I have NO desire to live with or get deeply committed with another person at all. I don't feel lonely and I love the freedom of being by myself, able to do anything I want, when I want and how I want.
> 
> So I will never live with anyone again, never mind marry them. I'd sooner pull my fingernails out from my fingers than get married again!
> 
> My kids are on the cusp of being on my own and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life when they are. I know I want to travel and probably will relocate to some other place, do something interesting with the rest of my life. For the past 20 years I've been tied to where I live now, either by my business and now my kids and I really want to go someplace new, so the last thing I want to do is get committed to anybody in a serious way.


Off the leash and on the loose. You too will need to change your user name  Second one I've called out on that today.

I don't think I'm much of a homemaker...maybe looking for one though.... I'm the opposite of you, have sown loads of wild oats and looking for the last great frontier...the human mind/psyche.


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Off the leash and on the loose. You too will need to change your user name


Freak on a Leash..is one of my favorite songs by Korn.


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## Serenity_Prayer

Heck yeah, to a better man. The right man. I loved being married, which is probably why I hung around a lot longer than I should have. I'm looking forward to some casual dating at first when I'm ready, but for the most part, if the guy isn't marriage material, I'm moving on. For me, dating is for finding a marriage partner. I can support myself and my kids don't need a daddy becuase they have one, so I'm not in a hurry, but I want the companionship.


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## Bafuna

Well said Serenity. I miss being loved and maybe because I stayed for so long in a sucking relationship where I was ignored most of the time, Im so looking forward to meeting someone and I hope It happens before I have to date a lot and get depressed by meeting all the wrong people. Im also a bit scared, dont know how to go about meeting people, and at my age (33) I think men generally think Im either married or have partner e.t.c. Im not very social and have joined a dating site.
There is this one guy that lost his wife a year plus ago, I dont have his contacts now, but know I can get them. Ijust found myself thinking about him and how we could work out, I know a lot of his story, we have a lot in common but he doesnt know Im divorced. It would be akwrad to look for his number and call him because we've really just spoken when we met at work or in town. Unfortunately I have moved from the town where he lives and the work place where he used to come (worked there before me and would come to visit his ex-coworkers) Have you guys ever asked guys out or at least let them know you are avilable, how do you do that?


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## EnjoliWoman

Plan a day trip to that town. Maybe to visit a friend? Give him a call or send an email and say:

"Hi - I moved when I divorced but I miss my friends and I'm coming into town for a visit and wondered if you'd like to grab a cup of coffee/drink/lunch (whatever works with your plans). I hope you can make it! If not, keep in touch - maybe next time!"

Now the ball is in his court. It's casual and friendly, you have a reason to be there, you've told him you're divorced but that's not the point of the communication. If he can make it, see what happens, if he can't, he has your contact info and now it's up to him to reach out.


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## Freak On a Leash

Bafuna said:


> I miss being loved and maybe because I stayed for so long in a sucking relationship where I was ignored most of the time, Im so looking forward to meeting someone and I hope It happens before I have to date a lot and get depressed by meeting all the wrong people. Im also a bit scared, dont know how to go about meeting people, and at my age (33) I think men generally think Im either married or have partner e.t.c. Im not very social and have joined a dating site.?


Do you have hobbies? Joined a club? Check out Meetup.com. It's a great way to get together and meet people informally and not be so obviously "looking" to find someone else. 

I understand the whole "being ignored in a relationship" situation. That was the case with me for over 20 years. But when I started getting out and doing things on my own, being happy and content by myself it made a HUGE difference. I've always told my daughter that if you are happy being on your own, being good with your company, then you can truly enjoy the company of others. Being in a relationship isn't only about what someone can offer you, but what you can offer to them as well. 

Sounds like you need to get in touch with yourself and build yourself up before you can truly be in a happy and secure relationship with someone else. Otherwise you are headed for a big let down. Think about it. 

33 years old. You are young and got your whole life ahead of you. Go out and enjoy.


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## Bafuna

Thanks Freak, TBH I have done been doing things on my own throughout the relationship, taking care of my kids, it was more or less like I was single through most of the relationship, so there is really nothing new to me about being alone, only, legally I was married and upheld my vows.

So as much as Im sad and hurting, Im also a bit relieved, and eager to move on with my life which has been on hold for so long. 

Problem is where I am there are no meetups, I can only hope to meet pple at work, church...I have 2 kids who are taking up most of my time anyway

Joined a dating site and it seems the guys are either too old or too young, and very few are from my area............maybe you are right that I should take it slow......we'll see.


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