# Disappointment to my husband.......help!



## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

My husband has expressed his disappointment with our sex life several times in recent weeks. He specifically is disappointed that I am not in the mood for sex during the day and prefer it during the night time hours. We have a five year old that makes night time lovin' complicated because he sleeps in our bed.......of course that means that the sex can never happen naturally and it feels planned and rushed. My husband really hurt my feelings and made me feel awful because I have expressed to him throughout our entire relationship that I prefer sex at night. Recently I told him that there have been instances that we made love during the day after he insisted and I was resentful after. He said he had no idea that I had such strong feelings about it. I just want a normal sex life for a fairly attractive couple who live a blessed life......any advice is greatly appreciated. I also have some self image issues that hinder my ability to be fully free during sex......HELP!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Teebler said:


> My husband has expressed his disappointment with our sex life several times in recent weeks. He specifically is disappointed that I am not in the mood for sex during the day and prefer it during the night time hours. We have a five year old that makes night time lovin' complicated because he sleeps in our bed.......of course that means that the sex can never happen naturally and it feels planned and rushed.


So you prefer sex at night but then you keep your son in bed with you so no sex happens. 

Why does your 5 year old sleep in your bed? My son’s father insisted that our son sleep in our bed. I have no doubt that it was his way to avoid sex.

It’s time to teach your son to sleep in his own bed. That’s step #1.



Teebler said:


> My husband really hurt my feelings and made me feel awful because I have expressed to him throughout our entire relationship that I prefer sex at night. Recently I told him that there have been instances that we made love during the day after he insisted and I was resentful after. He said he had no idea that I had such strong feelings about it


So you are the only one in your marriage who has the right to have what they want when it comes to sex? You are the boss of sex and if you don’t get it your way then you punish your husband by being resentful? 


Teebler said:


> I just want a normal sex life for a fairly attractive couple who live a blessed life......any advice is greatly appreciated. I also have some self image issues that hinder my ability to be fully free during sex......HELP!


It really does not sound like you want a normal sex life. A normal sex life when when each partner gives to the other what the other wants. The best way for success in all things about a marriage is for each spouse to be more concerned about what the other spouse wants/needs and less concerned about their own wants/needs.



Teebler said:


> I also have some self image issues that hinder my ability to be fully free during sex......HELP!


Get counseling for your self-image issues and get beyond them. Is this why you do not like daytime sex? 

I also suggest marriage counseling with one who is also a sex therapist. If you don’t put an end to what you are doing. 

Your rejection of our husband hurts him more than you probably realize. It will kill your marriage in time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Teebler, I went and read some of your previous posts. It seems that what is happening is that you are sabotaging your own sex life (and your husband's) due to your own insecurities. This is what you wrote in February 2013:

"I have been trying for a long time to figure out what my problem is. I am very attracted to my husband, and I often fantasize about having sex with him, but when the time comes, I don't feel comfortable doing it. I almost feel embarrassed about it. I don't even perform oral sex on him, because I feel like he will look at me differently. I know that he loves me but I just don't feel desirable at all even though he tells me that he thinks I am beautiful and he is super attracted to me. He gets an erection if he catches a glimpse of me walking around in a t-shirt and panties on. I just need some advice on how to let go and be more free with my husband. We have been married for six years and together for eight. Any advice is greatly appreciated!"

(end quote)

So girl...what I'm reading in both that old post and this post is that you still can't just let go and be free sexually. So you are doing all these behaviors that sabotage his efforts. You actually do love him and fantasize about him, but for personal reasons you have issues that cause you to hold it all back and not really enter and enjoy a great sex life with him.

The good news is...it sounds like you can change this dynamic in your sex life whenever you finally decide to let go of your insecurities (or shame, or whatever is holding you back). Since you and your husband are in love and totally into each other, you will likely be able to fix this situation. Please check out this blog post, I talk about insecurities and how they impede good sexual functioning in it:

I Married a Sex God: 15. Would You Do You?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You tell yourself things that are harmful to your marriage.

You tell yourself if your kid does not sleep in your bed, his feelings will be hurt, and you will be a bad mother.

Instead, you should be telling yourself that if you are not first a wife to your husband, your marriage will suffer, your kid will grow up unhappy and therefore you will be a bad mother.

You tell yourself you are fat, ugly unworthy. Your husband is sexually voilating you.... all of these thiings.

These things you tell yourself are very harmful to your marriage. Instead tell yourself that your husband wants you, desires you, needs you, finds you beautiful, that the man who gives his life to you cannot violate you... These are the thoughts that have to run through your head.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

You want sex at night but have your kid sleeping with you. Do you see the disconnect here?

Put your kid in his own room both for his sake and for the sake of your marriage.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you make wacky rules that are impossible to follow (with the kid in the bed) - like sex only at night - and when your husband, who desires you, wants sex with you the only time he can get it - during the day - you are resentful. This is totally illogical. you have to get over your hangups and let go and free yourself of your self-imposed rules and ideas and hangups. Good luck. you and your marriage have a tremendous amount of potential just waiting to be freed and enjoy.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I fell into that situation as well with kids in the marriage bed. I get it. Its really sweet to sleep next to your child. It is not good for your marriage. Keeping your marriage strong will be more important to your child than sleeping between you will be. Or - since your child is old enough to understand - give your child one night per week that they can sleep in your bed. The other nights are for your marriage.

I have been in therapy the past two months working on opening up sexually. It has been a very eye opening experience. I had no idea that I was carrying so many issues. It is also very uncomfortable to change a sexual dynamic in a marriage. It takes some time to work through. If you have a resource for counseling I would recommend it.

You said you fear giving your husband oral because he will look at you differently. This reminds me of things I have said recently. What is it you fear? That he will lose respect for you? That he will no longer desire you? That if you showed him your real sexual self he would find it not to his liking? Do you fear ridicule from him or that he might make fun of you? There is some reason you have this fear and that reason needs to be addressed.

Its quite difficult for some women to feel sexy and also be a mom at the same time. Mothers aren't sexy - they are moms. We don't want to give our kids.the wrong impression of us and of marriage and of sexuality. But in reality if we want our children to grow up and be in healthy relationships and have a healthy sex life we need to model that for them.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Teebler said:


> My husband has expressed his disappointment with our sex life several times in recent weeks. He specifically is disappointed that I am not in the mood for sex during the day and prefer it during the night time hours. We have a five year old that makes night time lovin' complicated because he sleeps in our bed.......of course that means that the sex can never happen naturally and it feels planned and rushed. My husband really hurt my feelings and made me feel awful because I have expressed to him throughout our entire relationship that I prefer sex at night. Recently I told him that there have been instances that we made love during the day after he insisted and I was resentful after. He said he had no idea that I had such strong feelings about it. I just want a normal sex life for a fairly attractive couple who live a blessed life......any advice is greatly appreciated. I also have some self image issues that hinder my ability to be fully free during sex......HELP!



Your hubby wants sex with you during the day and night.

You only want sex during the night.

Compromise. 50 / 50, day and night. It's not difficult.

Spice it up. Talk dirty, sex outside, inside, day, night, in the bathroom, shower, car, make it fun. No same old boring routine and not changing or compromising.

Marriage is all about taking care of your other halves needs.

Get a walkie talkie for the baby room, get the kid his own room. You can hear what's going on still.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're keeping a 5 year old in bed and destroying your marriage. This seems counter productive. There's really no excuse. You're obviously using the kid as a shield.

I would be disappointed too.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're keeping a 5 year old in bed and destroying your marriage. This seems counter productive. There's really no excuse. You're obviously using the kid as a shield.
> 
> I would be disappointed too.


totally agree. you are trying to make this happen due to your insecurities. you don't want it during the day but your husband does b/c he can't have it at night with the kid their. You have him begging for sex essentially and this will not bode well for your marriage. You need to make a better effort here. Sounds like your husband is voicing this more regularly than usual and I would highly recommend you start to listen. Check out how it goes for other woman on the coping with infidelity board if you do not think this is good advice. Enjoy sex, your husband clearly wants to be with you. Are you attracted to him, love him, if yes then I recommend you prove it and listen to his needs or someone else will.

Good luck


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So you prefer sex at night but then you keep your son in bed with you so no sex happens.
> 
> Why does your 5 year old sleep in your bed? My son’s father insisted that our son sleep in our bed. I have no doubt that it was his way to avoid sex.
> 
> ...


You continually amaze me.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Teebler said:


> We have a five year old that makes night time lovin' complicated because he sleeps in our bed.......


Time to give the 5 yr old his own room.

Exceptions of course for Thunderstorms.....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I much prefer sex during the day, I have more energy! I think you should open up to day time sex, makes night time cuddle so much more meaningful!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I much prefer sex during the day, I have more energy! I think you should open up to day time sex, makes night time cuddle so much more meaningful!


She cant.
1. its not dark enough
2. its what he wants

She does not want him to see her naked and she is resentful of him for asking what he wants. She does not appear to care enough about him to give him what he wants unless it meets her needs.

She needs therapy. To break her of her insecurities and her selfishness.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I only quickly skimmed through the replies and just my 2 cents is your killing your sex life yourself.
1. your child in the bed with you, that needs to be stoped and being 5 years old I think isn't going to be very comfortable so get you child in their own bed preferably in their own room.
2. your self image issues, only one person can change that and I know from experience I went from being a very muscular physically fit tradesmen to an over-weight office worker in months I gained 20kgs in about 4 months and lost a lot of muscle quickest way to fix the problem get a gym membership and if you can afford it a few personal trainer sessions a week and eat properly it will make you look better and feel better. 
3 last but not least its give and take you do things he likes and he does things you like, so if he likes sex at the end of long day then give him the best sex of his life at the end of a long day if you like a quickie after lunch let him know and he will more then likely return the favour


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Looks like you didn't get the answers you were hoping for so left your own thread???

I echo what the others have said and suggest you get into therapy. You are hurting your 5 year old by having him sleep in your bed. You are killing your marriage because of your insecurities. You are justifying your denial of your husband because you don't seem willing to face your problems. 

We'll see you in the coping with infidelity forum next, I guess.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

I thought that this was a place to turn for real help, not ridicule. I recognize that I have issues to deal with and I was hoping to get some real encouragement and advice. I have read the responses and I admit that there is some great advice mixed with ridicule and just plain mean spiritedness (dealing with infidelity, really?). I may not have provided enough background for people to be able to really understand my issues, but that is no excuse for sarcasm, rudeness, and ridicule. Thanks for the advice, next time you can keep all the "extras".


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Teebler said:


> I thought that this was a place to turn for real help, not ridicule. I recognize that I have issues to deal with and I was hoping to get some real encouragement and advice. I have read the responses and I admit that there is some great advice mixed with ridicule and just plain mean spiritedness (dealing with infidelity, really?). I may not have provided enough background for people to be able to really understand my issues, but that is no excuse for sarcasm, rudeness, and ridicule. Thanks for the advice, next time you can keep all the "extras".


this is, after all an open forum...
a word of advice, just take the good points and ignore the bad ones if that would make ur day better

but ofcoz, if u want something, be prepared to sacrifice something else. very best example would be your desire to have sex in the night vs your child sleeping together with u. which is more important and which can be arranged in a better manner? only you would know the best answer 

cheers and do keep us posted


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

The truth is that our son was sleeping in his own room until we let him go visit his grandparents for the summer, they wanted to keep him happy so they allowed him to sleep with them so when he came home getting him back into his bed was impossible. Because my husband works nights most of the time, we never really pressed the issue about him sleeping in his own room, of course the nights that my husband is home, we do want him to sleep in his own room and it is something that we are working on. We made love in the middle of the day the other day and I actually initiated it! I just have to free my mind about the way I "think" sex should be and just let it be. I was sexually assaulted twice in the past by an old boyfriend and I am sure that this contributes to some of the issues that I have surrounding sex along with the body image issues that lots of other women have. I, like most people, am a work in progress; but I am willing to do the work.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

hey Teebler, sorry to hear about your past which would have surely affected you till now. Then again, while it is surely easier said than done, try to look forward and fill your days with beautiful memories making out with ur hubby. don't let the old incident haunt you further, YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING BEST IN YOUR LIFE and I am glad that you are taking steps to make your life a memorable one!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Teebler said:


> The truth is that our son was sleeping in his own room until we let him go visit his grandparents for the summer, they wanted to keep him happy so they allowed him to sleep with them so when he came home getting him back into his bed was impossible. Because my husband works nights most of the time, we never really pressed the issue about him sleeping in his own room, of course the nights that my husband is home, we do want him to sleep in his own room and it is something that we are working on. We made love in the middle of the day the other day and I actually initiated it! I just have to free my mind about the way I "think" sex should be and just let it be. I was sexually assaulted twice in the past by an old boyfriend and I am sure that this contributes to some of the issues that I have surrounding sex along with the body image issues that lots of other women have. I, like most people, am a work in progress; but I am willing to do the work.



Good Job Teebler!

Understanding how important sex is to your husband, why men need sex with, not from, their wives; why men need their wives to initiate is something most women never learn. Men would do well to explain themselves better and women would do well not to dismiss his feeling as trivial.

If your husband works nights you MUST start thinking that day time sex is the go to version and night time sex is a rarity. Girl, straighten out those thoughts! Sex in marriage is vital, good, important to you both. Sex in marriage should be a priority for you both, not something you leave till the end of the day or when all the chores have been completed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree. Good first step. Now keep it going.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Teebler said:


> The truth is that our son was sleeping in his own room until we let him go visit his grandparents for the summer, they wanted to keep him happy so they allowed him to sleep with them so when he came home getting him back into his bed was impossible. Because my husband works nights most of the time, we never really pressed the issue about him sleeping in his own room, of course the nights that my husband is home, we do want him to sleep in his own room and it is something that we are working on. We made love in the middle of the day the other day and I actually initiated it! I just have to free my mind about the way I "think" sex should be and just let it be. I was sexually assaulted twice in the past by an old boyfriend and I am sure that this contributes to some of the issues that I have surrounding sex along with the body image issues that lots of other women have. I, like most people, am a work in progress; but I am willing to do the work.


Keep it up. You are on the right track and he will be responsive to this. Please know we are not trying to bash you in our comments. Most of us have been through similar things and make severe comments to wake people up. You being upset with some of the comments is understandable but know most of us are hoping for you and your husband to be happy. 
Nice job hearing the comments and making some changes.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

I really like what EleGirl says.

My only other suggestion bookmark this site so you can get to "Coping with Infidelity" forum. I would definitively have sex with other women and if I find that hard, I will steal money from wife's purse to pay for an escort.

If you want to fix this, find a way to have passion for sex. Counselling, praying what ever might help. If you don't you need to find an asexual husband, current situation is not fair to your existing husband.

Buy a sex book and try all the different positions etc. Husband will appreciate your effort. Give him the best blow jobs everyday. He will never leave you.


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