# money - control and a new forum supporter



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I love my W in all her spirited craziness. It is also true that we have had a running conflict over money that I didn't correctly perceive until this past weekend. 

Perhaps it is better to say a "running conflict over control of expenditures". I will not belabor the facts other than to say they are astonishingly and disturbingly one sided. And that during round 2 of turned into a protracted and ugly brawl she acknowledged being 90% in the wrong. She never retracted that statement - and I am not going to bother arguing about the last 10 percent. 

In the past the way I have handled our conflict in this area was to treat each incident as a separate and discrete event. 

When I stepped back and assessed the pattern a few things became evident. In certain situations she was attempting to totally steamroll me. First I was furious beyond words. Then I was just depressed. And then I alternated between fury and depression for a couple of days. 

Finally I regained equilibrium and started asking myself some questions. 

One of them was: If our discretionary spend limit is far more than it costs to become a forum member, why haven't I joined?

Answer: Our discretionary spending limit does not apply to anything SHE things is wasteful. And yes, she would see joining as wasteful. Since I didn't want her to be angry with me, I didn't join. That is the answer. Ugly, harsh and true. Worse, I had even thought about trying to pay via money order. 

So this morning - I did what sane and normal people (who are MARRIED TO SANE AND NORMAL PEOPLE) do when they want something well within their discretionary spending limits. I took out my credit card and became a lifetime member. 

I have always been uber accommodating about money with her - as she is very responsible with money overall. And she doesn't say a word about expenditures unless she thinks them wasteful. If however, she does perceive waste - she becomes incredibly aggressive. 

I have foolishly attempted to resolve this issue with reason, and then anger, and then a couple months ago with an offer that perhaps we should reduce all interaction to limited communication: kids and schedules. 

Sadly, deep rooted bad behavior often requires a strategy. In this case, mine will be unlike any she has experienced before. Up until now I have limited myself to a 100 percent defensive approach. The next round of this is going to be without anger or anxiety. I am just going to scratch my head and respond with: I think you are right, we need to tighten up. Lets go through the credit card, say the last 3 months. And then I am just going to start asking questions that convey a mild subtext of "gosh that seems kind of expensive - and gee I didn't know we were quite doing that much dining out". 




karma*girl said:


> I think he meant it in a 'loud & obnoxious' kind of way..?
> As in, men don't want to have to compete with a loud-mouth.
> I can see how that wouldn't be very sexy or attractive.
> On the same token, I don't think guys like that are very sexy either
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I have always been uber accommodating about money with her - as she is very responsible with money overall. And she doesn't say a word about expenditures unless she thinks them wasteful. If however, she does perceive waste - she becomes incredibly aggressive.
> 
> I have foolishly attempted to resolve this issue with reason, and then anger, and then a couple months ago with an offer that perhaps we should reduce all interaction to limited communication: kids and schedules.


Reason and then anger.

Works just as well in disputes about money as it does in any other marital disagreement.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In this area - she really has created quite the invisible fence. Except the voltage on the "virtual" dog collar is WAY HIGHER. 

It is incredible how comfortable she has gotten having intense conflict with the sole wage earner about dollar amounts that she routinely spends without any concern or conversation with me. 

She has been apologizing now for 3-4 days straight. She mistakenly started one of these conversations with the premise that I was not being totally honest with her when we had conflict. By the end of it - I asked her a question: "So if you keep doing the exact same thing to me over and over, doesn't that mean each and every apology is totally insincere?" Which provoked more apologies and a "you are being mean to me" look. 




Conrad said:


> Reason and then anger.
> 
> Works just as well in disputes about money as it does in any other marital disagreement.


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