# My cheating wife



## Matrix777 (Sep 23, 2020)

Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness. I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Welcome to TAM. There will be a lot of good advice and empathy here. Sorry you're in the spot that brings you here.

It will be hard but hold on to that knowledge she's been putting you off yet sleeping regularly with another man.

It is critical that from here on, do and plan the future as in what's best for you, not her, and not you both as a couple. 

The hardest thing is acceptance but you can get through this. The woman you married has left the marriage already in her mind.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness. I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


Expose far and wide. File for D. Do not ask your WW to quit her job. She'll need it when you D. Pack her belongings and drop your WW at the OM house. None of the poor choices your WW made are to be blamed on you. You own 50% of the marriage. Your WW the other 50%. She also owns 100% the poor choice to conduct an affair. Sorry you are here.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness. I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


It is a rare breed that can have a wife lie all the time, be so self-absorbed that she is spending all of her time dreaming of this other man, doing whatever she needs to satisfy her selfish, unfaithful wants, have passion with another man, kiss another man, let him touch her everywhere, touch him everywhere, be inside of her, her take him in her mouth, climax with another man, have feelings for another man....and then want to keep her as a wife and go on in the marriage and ever be intimate with her again. Some do, those may only work if the wife is broken and repentant and totally turns forever from the other man and does all she can to devote herself to the marriage and healing and doing whatever it takes. Those are rare. 

You do not really sound like you are that type. I'd say divorcing her is a very good and deserved consequence to her unfaithful, lying and scuzzy behavior. 
It will be hard. Lots of pain and trials and emotions lay ahead for you but in the end....ridding yourself of this cancer will be the best.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

File for divorce quickly.
It is much to early to even worry about whether you want to divorce or reconcile.
You need to get on offense and put your WW on defense.
As the process plays out, you will see if there is anything to work with.
This action will cause her to become "Defogged" and will provide you distance and clarity.
This is 100% on her. If she felt there were issues in the marriage, either she should have confronted you and developed a means to work through the issues or requested divorce.
In the end, do what is best for you. Only you know what that is.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Get counseling. Find your anger. Direct it wisely. You're a nice guy who got taken advantage of. Anticipate that this is not her first affair. Get STD/STI tested. Also, stop worrying about what your friends and family may think. It's none of their damn business if you choose to divorce your wife over what she's done.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. *She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness.* I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


Run........ 
1)* loneliness*. What happens if you become depressed or disabled? 

2) *I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs.* Neither would I. In fact I didn't and left two fiances' who cheated on me. Not to disrespect you or anyone else, but for the life of me I could never regain not only trust, but respect or admiration for my wife, not to mention respect for myself for accepting this person back in my life. 

3) *The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted*. Like I said in point number 1. What happens when you don't give her everything? Chew on that for a bit. 

4) *FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me.* Everyone and their mom will have an opinion on this matter, but only you will have to live with it for however long she's with you. When it happened to me, I immediately looked forward in imagined in year 1, 5, 10 and 15 and more..........looking over the dinner table at her knowing she made and created actually the opportunity to be PENETRATED. Actually advanced the idea and thought to make this happen and while doing it, made me out to be the fool. This fact alone is why both of my fiance's were left by me. 

It wasn't even even a close decision. What was hard however was repeatedly hurting their feelings. I do not gain pleasure in hurting people. I loved both of them with every once of my heart. They had the full me and more, so lack of love had zero to do with my decision. I read people saying, but I love her/him. There is not but. It's two separate things. You love him/her is one thing. The other is he/she f'd someone else, so loving them can still remain, but BEING with them is another matter. Don't confuse the two as being one. I believe this is where people get confused. A wife an love her husband that punches her in the eye so that it's swollen shut, but it's not necessarily good to be with a man that's capable of physically abuses them. So, you can love and forgive your wife, but don't assume in doing so means you should be with them. 

5) *If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?* Family and friends (hers especially) will guilt you into reconsidering, but you have to live with the humiliation, yeas of self recovery from it, being unsafe around her, etc. That doesn't make for a happy marriage. What you can do is file for divorce, which will quickly enable you to recover from the greatest pain you've ever felt and restart with someone who can remain faithful. They're out there. I've been married for 25 infidelity free years after being cheated on by two fiances. Lots of fish in the sea. But you have to go fishing to get them.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Matrix777 said:


> The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted.


That's your mistake right there!
Now you found out that you were with someone who you really didn't know for 18 years!
Never put anyone on a pedestal, people change!



Matrix777 said:


> but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


The infidelity was really bad, and it's a deal breaker for you and from your post, you seem to be a man with self respect and pride, I would advice you this:

Divorce, a women that does that to you after 18 years is not worthy of your companionship, you don't want to come here after a couple of years to post about a her new infidelity and mourning the years lost reconciling.
Speak to an attorney, to know your rights and how divorce will look like for you, don't waste time!
Expose the affair to every one, *that's a must*, at least to her family and friends. She will be pissed, but never ever care what a cheater thinks or wants.
If you had sex with her, during or after the affair then get tested for STDs, ASAP, some STDs if discovered late will send you to your grave!
Don't waste you time with why/when/how/where, what you need to know is that cheated and betrayed you, that should be enough for you to move on.
If you go to the reconciliation route, because you think she is the best you can do (And I don't believe that), you are looking for a very painful road ahead, the process takes years (assuming she is remorseful and doing all the right things) and the success rate is extremely low and it will take an average of 3 to 5 years to reach.. However the mind moves, triggers and pain will be with you for almost ever, plus you will be the marriage warden who snoops and checks on her every day for years to come (GPS trackers, phone and computer snooping, daily check in, workplace check, hiring PI from time to time), not worth it!
The wasted reconciliation time is better invested into building something new, with someone who respects you and trustworthy, someone who didn't betray you and stabbed you in the back!

Show your cheating wife that you have options in life, show strength, pride and decisiveness, don't show weakness, show her that you don't want her anymore and she is not worth the fight she is damaged goods.

It will be hard, it was an 18 year relationship, your emotions will be all over the place, don't show it in front of her, stay strong (*fake it until you make it*), and never show weakness!
I promise you, if you know your *value *and* self worth* and show *strength*, she will realize that she have committed the biggest mistake of her life by losing you!

Keep posting, and updating us here, so we can help you step by step!
You deserve a loving, faithful caring partner, don't settle for less!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your friends and family might be shocked but this is your life, not theirs.

You need to do what you feel is best for you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It very common for WWs to sexually cut husband off. That is so she’s not cheating on what her heart feels is her real man. 

it sounds like your not completely sure which direction you will go, R or D. Then it’s best to try to kill the affair through exposure.

Letting the POS betrayed spouse/girlfriend is extremely important. Once he is fighting for his marriage, he will coldly drop your wife. 

Then it’s important to let friends of the marriage who can influence your wife to know , the same for her family. This exposure must be in a help me fight for the family not in a your daughter/sister/friend is a who... 

It’s important that she not have any fond memories of the affair, so you should demand a timeline of the affair, which you will have her read to you and have her do a poly to verify the truthfulness. This will force her to think on how F’d up she was. Right now at best she is regretful that she got caught but she needs to get remorseful that she hurt her husband.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

jsmart said:


> It very common for WWs to sexually cut husband off. * That is so she’s not cheating on what her heart feels is her real man. *
> .


That right there would be my clincher. The guy who has her heart is the one who gets the sex. Problem is...........you're the husband. WTF


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness. I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


Arrange for free initial consulttions with the top divorce solicitors in your town. This will give you a wide range of opinons as to your options. It might also have the unfortunate side effect of meaning your wife could not use them, but that's too bad.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Well you’re not worshipping the ground she walked on now, are you?

That’s step one on your action “to do” list: Stop putting her on a pedestal.

below are some other things you can do. This is what action looks like — some call it "shock and awe," but it is standard operating procedure for blowing up adultery and stopping it cold.

You've already gotten some of this advice. If you ignore this, push it aside as too extreme or tell yourself your situation is unique you will get less than optimal results and may well land in painful limbo with her:

1. Accept that not only is your WW lying, she's lying about everything. Lies of omission and commission both. The affair has been more intense and widespread than you know. The sex has very likely been more than you know.

2. Accept that this is your wife, not a space alien or demon who possessed your wife. This is actually WHO YOUR WIFE IS. People are able to constrain their powerfully toxic neuroses for a time, but eventually the mask slips. This is who you married. It's a part of her.

3. Expose the affair immediately to her immediate family - her parents, siblings, etc. This is absolutely necessary. This will give her no redoubt to retreat to. Eventually her family will circle the wagons around her, but the initial shock will put her off center.

4. See an attorney as soon as possible to outline for you what divorce looks like, what the law looks like and what filing looks like. Consider very strongly the possibility of filing for divorce immediately (this does not mean you actually have to divorce!).

5. Implement immediately a hard 180 on your wife. Soft 180 is harder to implement. Hard 180 is easier especially for a recently betrayed spouse in shock. Look up “hard 180 infidelity” on search.

6. Stop any version of the pick-me dance. Stop begging, pleading, crying, allowing her to initiate affection. Do not respond to her tears. Later, much later, her tears may be tears of true remorse, and by then you may not even care. Probably you won’t. For now, they are merely tears for herself.

7. Demand she go NO CONTACT with her affair partner. She must write a letter spelling out no contact. Any breach of no contact should end in immediate filing of divorce.

8. She must immediately read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and immediately begin implementing the steps outlined therein - any balking or avoidance by your WW is a huge red flag (my WW balked and this should have been a red flag for me, but I didn't know any better; now you do).

9. She must turn over all electronic devices for recovery software, such a smart phone and turn over passwords for her phone account, social media, any form of communication.

10. Run recovery software on her phone. I believe the consensus is that Dr. Fone is the best right now, but others may have more recent information.

11. Go to BestBuy (or the UK equivalent) today or tomorrow and purchase at least two-three VARs. The latest Sony model in the $50-60 price range is what you want. Buy some cheap headphones, clip them off and plug them into the VARs. Get some industrial grade velcro and attach them in her car, somewhere in the house where she puts on makeup in the morning. The 3rd VAR is for you to carry in your pocket at all times.

12. She must plant her butt in a chair this week and begin writing out for you a detailed WRITTEN narrative timeline of the affair without omitting anything important to the truth. You don't need to know every whispered word or every stupid emoji they shared. But you need to know "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." This should be DETAILED. Many pages in length. This is important whether you decide to D or not bc it gives you all the information you need.

13. Find a qualified polygraph examiner in your area and schedule it for two weeks from now. She should have one week to complete the timeline, one week for you to read and ask additional questions, and then she takes a polygraph to verify the authenticity of the written timeline. The polygraph is not a panacea; it's instead a prerequisite for getting the truth and testing her truthfulness. If she balks, refuses, etc. file for divorce.

14. Before COB tomorrow, she should have at least scheduled an appointment to get a full STD/STI panel to ensure she has not been exposed. You will need to do the same. If she balks or delays on this, file for divorce.

15. She must resign her position and find a new job. Caveat here: if you are leaning toward divorce, your attorney can best advise you here. You don't want her unemployed and owing her substantial alimony. But if there's to be ANY reconciliation, she will need to find a new job.

16. Find a good betrayal trauma specialist in your area and sign up for IC for yourself as soon as possible. If the specialist works with a partner (they often do) ask if your wife can enroll immediately with that partner for her own IC. This particular speciality is best equipped for holding your wife's feet to the fire. Other counselors aren't. DO NOT acquiesce to any kind of marital or couples counseling. I cannot emphasize this enough. Marital counseling is USELESS in an infidelity situation; much later perhaps. But not for the foreseeable future.

17. You should reject any attempts by her to offload responsibility for the affair onto you. This is called blameshifting. Her ****ty choices and transgressive behavior are on HER. 100 percent. If she gives you a version of the "unmet needs" speech, it is horse dung and here's why: you also have needs and I bet they weren't always met either. Now especially you have some very clear needs for honesty, faithfulness and so on. She violated all of these needs and has not even met this bare minimum of your needs. You're already asking yourself why you should be staying with someone who can't even scrape together enough remorse or empathy to meet your basic needs.

18. Other standard "bag of tricks" cheaters use you should reject: trickle truth (the whole truth comes out in drips and drabs which will ensure you hate her eventually), gaslighting (you've already experienced this), rationalizing the affair, minimizations (she didn't enjoy the sex or didn't orgasm or he didnt, etc), rewriting the history of your marriage. These are all lies. You might tell her upfront if she does ANY of these things to you again, it will result in immediate divorce.

19. Accept that sex with her is not going to be the same now. She gave her body away and you will feel some level of revulsion for her. Now I also mean this in a complicated way. Let me explain: You may find yourself falling into hysterical bonding with her and it may feel great for a good long while. You will both desire her and be repelled by her. Even when HB is going on you're going to have mind movies about her affair and that's a real boner killer. Eventually even the intense pleasure of hysterical bonding will wear off over time. Then you'll struggle with feelings of emasculation and shame and self worth. You'll need to wrap your head around these feelings: They aren't true, but you will feel them all the same. You deserve to have intimate physical relations with a woman that hasn't sullied herself and you deserve sex that is good, honest, pure and highly pleasurable.

You deserve this as a man and as a human.

And you can get it with another woman if you've divorced. Just sayin'

good luck.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

“Arrange for free initial consulttions with the top divorce solicitors in your town.


MattMatt said:


> Arrange for free initial consulttions with the top divorce solicitors in your town.


most lawyers will charge a modest fee nowadays for consultation just FYI. $250-300 seems to be the going rate in the US as of late.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

You should also read three quick books: 

-No More Mr. Nice Guy
-The Way of the Superior Man (will help you understand how much of your masculine power you have sacrificed already for your low value wife)
-Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life

from now on, no matter what you do stop sacrificing your masculine power for anyone. Find your mission and make that your priority. Any woman, including especially your wife, should now always come 2nd, 3rd, 4th or last to your mission.

Please drink lots of water, get an ambien Rx if you need it for sleep. Do NOT drink. Go lift heavy. I recommend the Stoppani size protocol. Eat a clean low carb, high protein diet.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Letting the POS betrayed spouse/girlfriend is extremely important. Once he is fighting for his marriage, he will coldly drop your wife.


Very important 👆🏼


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Kaliber said:


> The wasted reconciliation time is better invested into building something new, with someone who respects you and trustworthy, someone who didn't betray you and stabbed you in the back!


True story


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

colingrant said:


> looking over the dinner table at her knowing she made and created actually the opportunity to be PENETRATED.


This will sink in - think about it. This is what I started to think about my WW almost immediately, but I elected to stay for another four years and I’m still not divorced altho I’m working on it. Don’t be me. Move now. Getting the truth will help propel and compel your decision.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

jsmart said:


> It very common for WWs to sexually cut husband off. That is so she’s not cheating on what her heart feels is her real man.
> 
> it sounds like your not completely sure which direction you will go, R or D. Then it’s best to try to kill the affair through exposure.
> 
> ...


Question... is there actually people that don’t have fond memories of the affair? I mean, if it wasn’t getting their rocks off it wouldn’t happen over and over and over? They keep on going back. Maybe that’s your point... I just wondered about the fond memories and polygraph thing.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You own 50% of the marriage. Your WW the other 50%. She also owns 100% the poor choice to conduct an affair.


Actually you’re probably going to find something interesting. Most betrayed spouses start to realize after awhile a couple of things:

1. adultery happens in good marriages (or what should be good marriages) all the time. The stats bear this out. Cheating spouses are just unfortunately the kind of people who don’t know how to be happy in life.

2. that they as betrayed spouses weren’t even responsible for 50 percent of the problems in the marriage. More like 30 percent or less.

3. As a betrayed spouse as you work on yourself you’re going to realize how much worth you have (a lot) and how little value your cheating wife has (very little). As you begin to realize your worth you will itch to live a life of integrity free from her.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Thumos said:


> Well you’re not worshipping the ground she walked on now, are you?
> 
> That’s step one on your action “to do” list: Stop putting her on a pedestal.
> 
> ...


Wish x1000 I had this exact post the night of my first D-day. Wow.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Thumos said:


> Actually you’re probably going to find something interesting. Most betrayed spouses start to realize after awhile a couple of things:
> 
> 1. adultery happens in good marriages (or what should be good marriages) all the time. The stats bear this out. Cheating spouses are just unfortunately the kind of people that don’t know how to be happy in life.
> 
> ...


Wow! I am actually living this... mind blown. This is so accurate it’s scary.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Matrix777 said:


> If I divorce her it would break both of us


It may break her (not your problem since she has already spiritually and unilaterally divorced you).

but it will not break you and here’s why: because you are a man of integrity.

You’re going to be shocked at how many women are out there who would NEVER do this.

These are attractive, funny, smart, sexy women who will bring you joy. And as a bonus you will realize they already have a leg up on your wife. Because they’ve never cheated on you.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thumos said:


> You’re going to be shocked at how many women are out there who would NEVER do this.
> 
> These are attractive, funny, smart, sexy women who will bring you joy. And as a bonus you will realize they already have a leg up on your wife. Because they’ve never cheated on you.


Sorry, I only live in the real world, not the one of hopes and wishes. On this site alone, of 4.3 million threads, there are over 700K just in infidelity, and another 350k for sex issues in a marriage. Compared to 10k in the "long term success" section of 10+ yrs.......lol

No, the reality is a HUGE % of relationships WILL deal with cheating, and I think the digital age is partly to blame but also has provided keys for solid evidence. Before you just had to hear from neighbor Ted that there was a car in your driveway, now you can use cameras, emails, texts, etc. 

I love my dog! She follows be everywhere I go, she asks for very little, she is willing to die to protect me, and I can tell her my darkest secrets and trust that she will tell no one! No woman will ever gain the trust I have in my dog.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

i understand you wanting to divorce your WW. that may change and it may not.

though right now you need to expose this affair ASAP and without warning your
WW. you must tell the OMW, WW parents, grandparents, her siblings, any your 
children.

how did you catch your WW?
how do you know she is not lying about who the OM is?
is there NC, no contact, between your WW and the OM and how can you verify
that there is NC.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

QuietRiot said:


> Question... is there actually people that don’t have fond memories of the affair? I mean, if it wasn’t getting their rocks off it wouldn’t happen over and over and over? They keep on going back. Maybe that’s your point... I just wondered about the fond memories and polygraph thing.


I think what he means is that exposure and talking about the affair with the BS (and IC) ruins those fond memories. The memories end up feeling more disgusting, pathetic, sinking stomach feeling than fond. Also, with IC the WS learns the AP was (usually) a ****ty person, which helps ruin the fond memories as well.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

There is nothing wrong in deciding that cheating is a dealbreaker for you! And NONE of it is your fault. This is 100% on her!


I have said numerous times that a marriage is like a stool in that it is built upon 3 pillars. In marriage, those are
Love 
Respect
Trust


Love:
Now, do you think she loves you? Could someone that loves you repeatedly lie to you, make detailed plans behind your back, and give herself to another man???? Could someone truly love a person and cause the extreme level of pain that you are feeling right now?

Of course not


Respect:
Do you think she respects you? How could she respect you yet give her body to another man repeatedly????? Did she allow him to do things to her that she would say no to you? Is that her respecting you? Was she respecting you when she was telling you lies about going out with “friends”? 

The only way she could have been
More disrespectful to you is if she allowed him to have her in your bed, or got knocked up by him and had to raise her bastard child!


Trust:
Do you think there is even the slightest chance that you will ever trust her again? Of course not!!!! Any time she is 5-10 minutes late, you will wonder if she is in the back seat of some other man’s car!!! When you have sex with her and she closes her eyes, you’ll wonder if she is imagining her lover sliding in and out of her!!!


Sorry, but is this the type of marriage you want to survive in?

Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my divorce being finalized. When I found out what she had done, I filed for divorce immediately. Yes, I knew it would hurt other people besides her, but I had to do what was right. And let me just say that I never regretted my decision!!!!


Like I said before, there is nothing wrong with her cheating on you being a dealbreaker for you. And maybe you should think about something else, if you forgive her this time, how long would it be before she does it again. And at her age, she will!!


Now I’m not telling you yo divorce or reconcile. But for those that want to give it another shot, I like the ones who “demote” their cheating wives to girlfriend. They divorce them but try to reconcile. That way, if they cheat again, or it is not going the way they want, since she is only a girlfriend at that point, he can walk away.


I wish you nothing but good luck. I promise that you are strong enough to get out of this hell that she has put you into. YOU just have to decide to!

Good luck and stay strong.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why would your family be upset by you if she cheated "really bad."

She was having sex with another man for 10 months while denying you any touching at all. Is that "really bad," or is it even worse than that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thumos said:


> “Arrange for free initial consulttions with the top divorce solicitors in your town.
> 
> most lawyers will charge a modest fee nowadays for consultation just FYI. $250-300 seems to be the going rate in the US as of late.


UK solicitors usually offer a free 30 minute consultation.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Ok brother, so sorry you have joined the crap club.

Why? When she is worshiped, put on a pedestal, provided with all she wanted. It is a simple answer, selfish, self centered narrow minded thinking. Life is all about me and I deserve to have the thrill of the A. The secrets meetings, the first coffee, that first tender touch, the first holding of hands in public. that lingering kiss. That romp in the supply office.
Just cheap thrills my friend: selfish cheap thrills.

First off, seek legal advice for your location, regardless on what you think you know. You need to fully understand your rights as well as her obligations, specially if there are children, property involved etc.
There is no need to make any long term relationship decisions right now. Take your time in these. Talk to trusted friends, IC etc. Get tested for STDs and STIs there was never safe sex here.

10 months is a long time, can I ask if they are still working together and what are the company policy with work place romances? They don't care, or a sack-able sexual harassment type of issue. Is he her subordinate?
The deleting of their chats, emails is not to save you the hurt, but to save her bottom! It is so you don't fully understand the depth of her betrayal. The reason she denied you sex, during her A was to remain loyal to her lover. She didn't want to be in a two man relationship or the AP could have made her knock you back to establish his dominance over her and belittle you as her husband. Same with sex. She would have done things with him that she never does with you. This way he will always her her first.
You can't remain in a dead relationship cause it will hurt the in laws if you D or your friends will think less of her cause she is a cheater. You have to look after yourself. Shine a light on her A to all. Let her parents know so they can support her and you through this. 
One day at a time.
Buffer


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Buffer said:


> She would have done things with him that she never does with you


And she probably did sad to say


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It is so common for WWs to get very wanton. It goes with the whole being a bad girl and also the secretiveness of the affair really pair bonds Them to the OM. 

If you read the threads on TAM, SI, and similar boards , you read over and over of WWs that enthusiastically did sex acts with OM that the BH used to beg for but was always shot down for.

Most WWs that want to fight for the marriage will then offer those sex acts as a way to sex bomb their BH to submission but what good is getting that anal or BJTC if she gave it to some other dude first. Besides it no longer being special. You will have mind movies of Her doing them with POS.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well now that you have heard the worst news, here is some hope.

Here is some light reading.

Then cut to the end of this tread.

Look I am not going to tell you to divorce, but I am going to tell you there is hope.

One thing people who are worshiped get entitled. This is a common mistake of men who are cheated on. Personally after having conversations with my wife I think women see it as weakness. Not to say Men who treat their wives as equal enough to hold them accountable on their ******** don't also get cheated on but no human being should be worshiped. They are just not worthy. That is one lesson to learn. 

If you divorce your family and friends will get over it. Tell them she cheated and they will understand, and even respect you if you say you refuse to stay with a cheater. Some my try to talk you into staying, but no reasonable person will blame you for leaving.

This will be the worst time in your life, but it will get better. The painful truth is your wife doesn't love you, not the way you want. You have to accept it. That doesn't mean that someone else won't. Seriously dude, you already know it's a deal breaker. Life is short. Everything in life ends, but ending means new beginnings as well.

How old are you , do you have kids?

Oh and if the POS it married be sure to tell his wife, she deserves to know, and **** him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I love my dog! She follows be everywhere I go, she asks for very little, she is willing to die to protect me, and I can tell her my darkest secrets and trust that she will tell no one! No woman will ever gain the trust I have in my dog.


If you had said no person will ever gain the trust I have in my dog, I would have been right their with you but personally on behalf of my wife, three sisters, and mother I would like to say this is crap. Women are no better or worse then men. Frankly I think a lot of this is the fact that some Men worship them like they are angels and then get really pissed of when they find out that about half of them suck just like men. That still leaves the other half.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i can understand your frustration. She rejects you for sex, yet goes out and give this other guy everything he wants. That is worse than just cheating, that is invalidating the entire marriage....that some stranger means more to her than you do.

sounds like this one is def over. not sure how you can ever come back from her crossing that line. No amount of reconciliation will erase that memory from your mind.

If it was just a simple sexual fling, she would have welcomed you for sex, as well as having her side piece sex too. You might have even seen her sexual appetite increased when she was cheating.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Thumos said:


> “Arrange for free initial consulttions with the top divorce solicitors in your town.
> 
> most lawyers will charge a modest fee nowadays for consultation just FYI. $250-300 seems to be the going rate in the US as of late.


My son had to initiate divorce proceedings a little over 2 years ago in California.
The initial consultations were free.
After that, anything but.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Such an awful thing to happen, and while you say if you divorced her it would break both of you, remember that she had already broken you and the marriage by her long 10 month affair. Its already shattered. Its up to you now whether you want to painstakingly try over many years to put the many pieces back together, or sweep it up and put it in the bin. She knew that she was risking everything.
She blames lonliness, did she ever talk to you about feeling lonely? Did she ever suggest marriage counselling? Either way the cheater will always blame the other spouse, its what they do, they lie. Whether she was lonely or not, she made a decision countless times to go and have sex with him. It wasnt even a stupid one night stand, but nearly a year of lies and deception and betrayal.
If the man involved is married or in a relationship then please tell their other half so they can make their own decision as to whether to end their marriage.

Can you say how you found out? Did she tell you?


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work.
> We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years.


Tell his wife or family about her and him.
Make him pay.
Cheaters like that always escape justice like that.


Matrix777 said:


> She was my heart and sole.
> I am in a really confused state at the moment,
> we both live together and have been speaking for few days,
> all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth
> by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat.


She is nothing!
Tell her that she has no value as a wife anymore.


Matrix777 said:


> She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself.
> She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness.


Just cheater speak.
She could have come to you and told you before cheating.
Tell her that!.


Matrix777 said:


> I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family.
> We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family.
> I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities
> and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse.


She is selfish and cold.
Be the same back.
Freeze her out.
Stop talking to her, only talk about D and money.
Tell her: She cheated, she killed your marrige, she has to go. Perod!


Matrix777 said:


> The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground
> she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted.
> FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me.


Some women can't handle a husband like that.
The cant stand being placed on a pedestal.
Print out some papers about the D and leave it for her to find.
Gauge her reaction to those.


Matrix777 said:


> If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family,
> but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad.
> What can I do?


Get angry, demand a lot of stuff from her.
Se other posts here for a list.
Use your silence to the rest to negotiate a great D settlement for you.
If she refuses, she is selfish and does not care for you.
Tell her she is useless and has no value anymore.
That she can go live with her new boyfriend that can pay for her needs.


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

Matrix777 said:


> Where do I start 😭🤮 found out my wife has been cheating for 10months with a colleague at work. We have been together for 18 years and got married after 12 years. She was my heart and sole. I am in a really confused state at the moment, we both live together and have been speaking for few days, all those questions why/when/how/where etc she tried to cover up the truth by deleting all data from her WhatsApp chat. She said it was to save my hurt but was only to cover herself. She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness. I have the greatest respect for her parents and her wider family. We are the ideal couple in many peoples eyes and by friends and family. I don’t want to be with such cold hearted person who planned sexual activities and whilst on many occasions during this period rejecting my needs - always had an excuse. The flag did raise but who would have thought after worshipping the ground she walks and giving her everything she ever wanted. FeeI I want a divorce, and that’s what my heart is telling me. If I divorce her it would break both of us and friends and family, but I can’t forgive and the infidelity was really bad. What can I do?


it doesn't seem she cares about you as a person or the relationship. i don't know if there is a choice other than divorce. i am sorry


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## Tempocontour (Nov 5, 2018)

I hope you're doing ok.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[


Matrix777 said:


> She said he reasoning behind what she did was down to loneliness.


Oh what a load. So, basically she is blaming you because you made her feel lonely and unloved in her marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Matrix777 how are you doing, mate?


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