# Appropriate behavior?



## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

None of this would work for me, and I'd be getting divorced.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Nope, NOT appropriate at all. Sounds to me like she is a bit manic, and depression is NOT her only issue.
Her going out to "hang out" with guy friends? WHAT? Nope, not without you especially if she is wanting all this attention.
I BET her actions while out doing this would not pass the husband (or even boyfriend) test.
You are NOT wrong to be upset, and I feel you should NOT allow her to do this. Taking OFF that she is married? Taking OFF her wedding rings? The message she is trying to give is that she is available and just waiting for guys to come on to her.
IF she is afraid of "falling into depression" that needs to be discussed with her Dr or counselor -- NOT by having guys drool all over her. This is just asking for problems -- and in fact there are ALREADY problems.

", which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, "
SO EVERY betrayed spouse has said on theses forums and elsewhere. You have her on a pedestal and THAT needs to be stopped asap.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Livvie said:


> None of this would work for me, and I'd be getting divorced.


That’s obviously the last thing I want. And not really something in my agenda at this moment, but I appreciate your response.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Nope, NOT appropriate at all. Sounds to me like she is a bit manic, and depression is NOT her only issue.
> Her going out to "hang out" with guy friends? WHAT? Nope, not without you especially if she is wanting all this attention.
> I BET her actions doing this would not pass the husband (or even boyfriend) test.
> You are NOT wrong to be upset, and I feel you should NOT allow her to do this. Taking OFF that she is married? Taking OFF her wedding rings? The message she is trying to give is that she is available and just waiting for guys to come on to her.
> ...


She’s already in the medical profession, specifically mental health, a psychologist. She’s not really interested in counseling because that’s what she does and she already knows everything they’ll tell her to try and she’s tried it. She’s had some other medical tests run and is awaiting those results. She’s hoping something can be found as the culprit. Because this is honestly a complete 180 of how she’s felt her entire life. We’re well aware something is off but not sure what.

Im well aware most people say they trust their spouse, but I honestly can say I do. She’s been 100% upfront and honest about the entire thing. She wants it to stop as much as I do, but also is loving having the attention she’s never had.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife has her ass in the store window just waiting for the right man, then you and your marriage will be history. 
I’m not surprised she’s behaving like this actually because you have shown her that she can do anything she wants and you will “support” her. How could any woman possibly have any respect for a husband who would put up with this crap. 
Either find your balls or else get a lawyer.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> She’s already in the medical profession, specifically mental health, a psychologist. She’s not really interested in counseling because that’s what she does and she already knows everything they’ll tell her to try and she’s tried it. She’s had some other medical tests run and is awaiting those results. She’s hoping something can be found as the culprit. Because this is honestly a complete 180 of how she’s felt her entire life. We’re well aware something is off but not sure what.
> 
> Im well aware most people say they trust their spouse, but I honestly can say I do. She’s been 100% upfront and honest about the entire thing. She wants it to stop as much as I do, but also is loving having the attention she’s never had.


Clinical depression is NOT a "psychologist" thing -- it is a medical Dr or psychiatrist thing. True depression is a chemical issue, not something you can just "talk out" of your system. She does NOT need counseling for depression, she needs MEDICAL care for depression.
You say that she is 180 of how she's been her whole life, and something is off. Well, you say that she's been 100% honest -- so do you know EVERYTHING she's done while out with all these guys with no wedding rings on? I doubt it. You may know what SHE says she does, but do you REALLY know? Have a PI watch her on these excursions for a while -- I bet you will be shocked at what you find. She MAY have been 100% truthful, but since she has changed, you really CANNOT be sure of that....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!



You W should be craving your attention. Dumping that she may go back into depression if she does not get the attention on your lap is crap.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Clinical depression is NOT a "psychologist" thing -- it is a medical Dr or psychiatrist thing. True depression is a chemical issue, not something you can just "talk out" of your system. She does NOT need counseling for depression, she needs MEDICAL care for depression.
> You say that she is 180 of how she's been her whole life, and something is off. Well, you say that she's been 100% honest -- so do you know EVERYTHING she's done while out with all these guys with no wedding rings on? I doubt it. You may know what SHE says she does, but do you REALLY know? Have a PI watch her on these excursions for a while -- I bet you will be shocked at what you find. She MAY have been 100% truthful, but since she has changed, you really CANNOT be sure of that....


You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Anon76 said:


> She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me.
> 
> What does that even mean? Have her fun?
> 
> ...


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

I asked her to not hang out with male friends, because it made me uncomfortable. A few of them were inappropriate and obviously only wanted one thing from her. Luckily, she noticed this as well and told those creeps to go to hell. She stopped for a short while but just said she needs to be able to go out and have fun with friends sometimes.

She went to a doctor recently for a complete work upto see if anything is wrong. We’re currently awaiting results.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> She wants it to stop as much as I do, but also is loving having the attention she’s never had.


Would your W be ok with you getting the attention from other women that you never had?(maybe you have. I don't know) Ask your W and see what her reaction is. 

This entire story reminds me of a movie where a the W received a boob job and kept opening her shirt to strangers asking what they think. It was "Summer Rental" with John Candy. 

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Anon76 said:


> But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat.


^^^^ Where, oh where have I heard this before??

That’s it.....in innumerable threads in the Coping w/ Infidelity sub forum.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say. 

The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin. 

Plus: old high school friends are high risk for infidelity (something else she should be aware of). This is very unfair to you. Typically contact triggers a feeling of being young again which is also a feeling that's difficult to let go of.

Finally, the answer is for her to stop all social media. She's addicted the attention and she needs to shut down the source.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Would your W be ok with you getting the attention from other women that you never had?(maybe you have. I don't know) Ask your W and see what her reaction is.
> 
> This entire story reminds me of a movie where a the W received a boob job and kept opening her shirt to strangers asking what they think. It was "Summer Rental" with John Candy.
> 
> Sorry you are in this situation.


We have discussed that. She admits that the way she feels is wrong, but she doesn’t want to change it. She said she would be absolutely destroyed if I were to remove marriage labels on Facebook, etc, but cannot be mad because she is doing it. Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> I asked her to not hang out with male friends, because it made me uncomfortable. A few of them were inappropriate and obviously only wanted one thing from her. Luckily, she noticed this as well and told those creeps to go to hell. She stopped for a short while but just said she needs to be able to go out and have fun with friends sometimes.
> 
> She went to a doctor recently for a complete work upto see if anything is wrong. We’re currently awaiting results.


My W goes out with friends for fun. All female friends.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat


Boy if I only had a dollar for every time I heard a clueless man say that on this forum.

As I always say: The majority of men are mentally weaker than women when it comes to relationships. They will cling to desperation when the obvious is already in front of their face.

You sir are being played for a fool and you have taken the bait ....hook, line, and sinker.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say.
> 
> The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin.
> 
> ...


100% what she has said. It’s addicting, like a drug. She knows it’s bad and doesn’t want to stop. She did take a short break, but ended up getting back on again.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> We have discussed that. She admits that the way she feels is wrong, but she doesn’t want to change it. She said she would be absolutely destroyed if I were to remove marriage labels on Facebook, etc, but cannot be mad because she is doing it. Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. *She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out.*


 Your W has some real self esteem issues. Sadly, you W should really only desire what you think of her. Is your answer to your W about her looks when asked null and void because you are married to your W? Does your W tell you you are supposed to say she looks great because you are her H? Like a robot with a canned answer? If your W does do you feel your opinion about her looks is worthless?


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> My W goes out with friends for fun. All female friends.


She goes out with female friends too. It’s not that it’s exclusively male friends she goes out with. She also likes getting hit on by the women too. She’s addicted to the feeling she gets when she’s told she’s good looking. She was always the smart friend, not the hot one. Now she’s the hot one type of deal.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Your W has some real self esteem issues. Sadly, you W should really only desire what you think of her. Is your answer to your W about her looks when asked null and void because you are married to your W? Does your W tell you you are supposed to say she looks great because you are her H? Like a robot with a canned answer? If your W does do you feel your opinion about her looks is worthless?


Mostly yes, she says she truly appreciates everytime I tell her. I do multiple times a day. But she also says I’m supposed to tell her she is beautiful even when she isn’t. So validation from others gives her a high.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out. "
It is NOT platonic if that is what she's getting when out. What do you think the guys think of her when they are out with her? Here is a hot married chick who completely disrespects her marriage and husband -- she doesn't even wear her rings and she eats up all of our attention.
What does THAT look like to YOU? Is that respectful? You don't think if friends of yours saw her acting like this, they would think poorly of her and of YOUR marriage? She is ALREADY damaging your marriage. She wants what SHE wants even KNOWING that it hurts you.

If you are so sure that nothing is going on, have a PI follow her on those "friends nights out" a few times. I bet you will NOT like what you find.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> She goes out with female friends too. It’s not that it’s exclusively male friends she goes out with. She also likes getting hit on by the women too. She’s addicted to the feeling she gets when she’s told she’s good looking. She was always the smart friend, not the hot one. Now she’s the hot one type of deal.


 I get a gut feeling this will progress to more.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> Mostly yes, she says she truly appreciates everytime I tell her. I do multiple times a day. But she also says I’m supposed to tell her she is beautiful even when she isn’t. So validation from others gives her a high.


And your opinion of your W looks is now invalid. Your W does not care what you think. What else does your W believe your opinion is not needed because your validation/attention is worthless?


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> "Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out. "
> It is NOT platonic if that is what she's getting when out. What do you think the guys think of her when they are out with her? Here is a hot married chick who completely disrespects her marriage and husband -- she doesn't even wear her rings and she eats up all of our attention.
> What does THAT look like to YOU? Is that respectful? You don't think if friends of yours saw her acting like this, they would think poorly of her and of YOUR marriage? She is ALREADY damaging your marriage. She wnats what SHE wants even KNOWING that it hurts you.
> 
> If you are so sure that nothing is going on, have a PI follow her on those "friends nights out" a few times. I bet you will NOT like what you find.


She’s not looking for compliments from her male friends. Maybe I haven’t been too clear on that. They’re just somebody to hang out with. It’s other random weirdos onFacebook or when she’s out in social settings with her friends.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> She’s not looking for compliments from her male friends. Maybe I haven’t been too clear on that. They’re just somebody to hang out with. It’s other random weirdos onFacebook or when she’s out in social settings with her friends.


Your W should make her FB private to keep the weirdos out. As for the general public you can not do much about other men making comments.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What are you trying to get out of posting here?

You aren't going to stop this behavior, and you are going to stay in this relationship.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Your W should make her FB private to keep the weirdos out. As for the general public you can not do much about other men making comments.


She tried it. She actually got off of FB for awhile, but she missed the attention and started again. She compares it to a drug addiction. Asking a heroine addict to just quit doesn’t generally go well. She’s addicted to the attention.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Livvie said:


> What are you trying to get out of posting here?
> 
> You aren't going to stop this behavior, and you are going to stay in this relationship.


I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anon76 said:


> 100% what she has said. It’s addicting, like a drug. She knows it’s bad and doesn’t want to stop. She did take a short break, but ended up getting back on again.


I'm stating the obvious, but safe and reasonable boundaries don't, ever, become irrelevant because somebody's mood has changed. Boundaries exist BECAUSE we go through period of time where our self-centering mechanisms go haywire. Your wife's self-centering mechanism is severely haywire right now.

Removing her wedding ring? O.M.G. That you allowed this, knowing the reason why (because it helps her catch more fish with it off than on), makes you an enabler. 

Would she have agreed, when you met, when you got married and made a commitment to each other, to you exploring the world of women the way she is currently exploring the world of men? 

The clock is ticking on your relationship. If you want to save it, you have to step in and risk everything. You are probably afraid of her right now because she's not thinking clearly. DOES NOT MATTER. She is moving faster than you can react. She is running away from your universe, further every second you allow.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.


If she really wants to quit -- she would quit. Shut OFF FB, STOP going out getting her jollies from other guys, put her rings back on and grow up.
If you think those guy "friends" are not complimenting her or flirting with her, I really don't know what to tell you. You seem to be putting up a ton of excuses so that you will allow her to continue this.

Do you know how many wives (and husbands) who would NEVER EVER cheat DO just that as part of a "mid-life" crisis? 
You have to understand a lot of the people on this site have been THROUGH what is starting for you now. Virtually ALL of them have NOT had a good outcome where it was nothing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.


No, they do not go through something similar. If she really wanted to quit she would be quitting.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm stating the obvious, but safe and reasonable boundaries don't, ever, become irrelevant because somebody's mood has changed. Boundaries exist BECAUSE we go through period of time where our self-centering mechanisms go haywire. Your wife's self-centering mechanism is severely haywire right now.
> 
> Removing her wedding ring? O.M.G. That you allowed this, knowing the reason why (because it helps her catch more fish with it off than on), makes you an enabler.
> 
> ...


There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.

She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So YOU need to do some soul searching. Are you ok with her putting out there and getting attention, disrepecting YOU and your marriage (which IS what she is doing).
What will you say if she goes a little TOO far, and then a little bit further until....
YOU need to think about this. Why are YOU willing to put up with her doing this?
YOU are the one hurting -- and she doesn't care. She knows you want her to quit (and "says" she does) -- and yet she doesn't care, she's going to continue it.
SHE would be pissed if you took "married" off of your FB page. WHY DON'T YOU? Why don't YOU show HER a taste of her own medicine -- go out with YOUR friends, and flirt with women. Make sure YOU take off YOUR wedding rings right in front of her before you go out.
WHY DON'T YOU care enough about yourself to NOT put up with this? 
NOBODY gets 100% of everything they want in a marriage, ESPECIALLY if what they want would hurt their partner.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> If she really wants to quit -- she would quit. Shut OFF FB, STOP going out getting her jollies from other guys, put her rings back on and grow up.
> If you think those guy "friends" are not complimenting her or flirting with her, I really don't know what to tell you. You seem to be putting up a ton of excuses so that you will allow her to continue this.
> 
> Do you know how many wives (and husbands) who would NEVER EVER cheat DO just that as part of a "mid-life" crisis?
> You have to understand a lot of the people on this site have been THROUGH what is starting for you now. Virtually ALL of them have NOT had a good outcome where it was nothing.


She wants the phase to end where she doesn’t want the attention. She doesn’t want to stop getting the attention. I thinkthis situation has so many layers that it’s really hard to explain everything clearly for everyone.

I understand people here have been through similar, Thats part in why I came here. But I truly believe our situation is completely different than normal. We’re very open and honest, always have been. She told me about it as soon as it started. I’ve seen the texts. Our son has been with her for probably more than half of the outings with her friends. I’ve watched some of her hang outs from my security cameras at the house. It sounds naive, but I know our situation is 100% different. That’s something I don’t say lightly. There’s just more information as to why I have come to that conclusion than I have time or ability to explain on a forum like this.My question isn’t, should I worry about her cheating. I’m not. If she were, she would tell me up front. But I’m looking for the best way to approach the situation for an honest talk about what I need to be happier in the relationship.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So YOU need to do some soul searching. Are you ok with her putting out there and getting attention, disrepecting YOU and your marriage (which IS what she is doing).
> What will you say if she goes a little TOO far, and then a little bit further until....
> YOU need to think about this. Why are YOU willing to put up with her doing this?
> YOU are the one hurting -- and she doesn't care. She knows you want her to quit (and "says" she does) -- and yet she doesn't care, she's going to continue it.
> ...


I truly don’t care about people flirting. I’m sure it feels great to get the attention. I’mnot comfortable with the tactics she’s using to get more attention. I, of course, would love her acknowledgement on Facebook.

Im not the social butterfly that she is. She has been encouraging me to go out with friends more, and I have. But all of my friends are male. I have asked how’d she feel if I went out with a female and she said it would kill her but there’s not much she can say about it and that if it’s what I feel I need to do she wouldn’t say anything.

I know I can say for a fact she gets very bored with them, quickly. A few days of texting and one day of hanging out and she’s done with them. She just loses interest when they take it as something it’s not. Meaning they try to take it to a step further than platonic.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I know 3 women that went through it almost exactly as you have told. Two are divorced from cheating and the husband of the third should know soon. I said should know soon but deep down I’m sure he knows already but hasn’t allowed his mind to accept that truth.......but of course everyone else can see it plain as day. All three had become attention oars after getting in shape.....all early to mid 40.

You need to see the light ..... but your just not ready yet. Maybe you can wear her wedding ring now that she doesn’t


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So YOU need to do some soul searching. Are you ok with her putting out there and getting attention, disrepecting YOU and your marriage (which IS what she is doing).
> What will you say if she goes a little TOO far, and then a little bit further until....
> YOU need to think about this. Why are YOU willing to put up with her doing this?
> YOU are the one hurting -- and she doesn't care. She knows you want her to quit (and "says" she does) -- and yet she doesn't care, she's going to continue it.
> ...


My end game has never changed. I meant my wedding vows when I took them. That I will love her until death do us part. I’m 100% willing to be unhappy for a couple months to maintain a lifetime of happiness. Obviously, if she decides she wants to sleep with other people, things will likely change. She has said she feels the same way, she just needs some time to get through this phase on needing to feel hot and desired by others. And again, it’s not all men. She loves the attention from women too.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.
> 
> She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.


No one with any kind of intact mental health would stay in this situation you are in, but you don't want to see that.

I wish you luck and I'm out of this thread.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

The question put forth was "do women go through this, is it normal?" Yes, women go through this at times. Every single women I've met to go through it cheated on her doting husband and turned into a complete POS wife. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. My boyfriend was scrolling through his Facebook feed the other day and said very sadly "there goes another one" when he saw his friend's wife posting all kinds of selfies and sexy shots on her wall. I asked what he meant "it always starts off that way...next year they'll be divorced." It happened with his ex wife...she had weight loss surgery and by the end of the year she was cheating on him. Every woman I know who has had this "I need attention so much!!" phase has cheated on her husband. 

She says she'd be gutted if you changed your status on Facebook to single but it's okay for her to do it to you? Um...nope. If she wants to be single so badly, treat her that way. Start the 180, make your own plans to go out. Make sure to post pictures of your good times. And change your facebook status immediately. 

She says she won't go to a counselor because she already knows what they'll say. Ask her what she would tell a male client who came in with your story? What would she advise him??? 

Incidentally, EVERYONE lies, everyone. So don't think for even one hot minute that your wife can't lie to you. I promise you, she can and she has.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Robert22205 said:


> As a psychologist your wife should be familiar with what I have to say.
> 
> The attention she gets from FB, texting, posting, getting smilies etc is addictive. The attention triggers the same centers in the brain as heroin.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this!
Also her behavior shows a total disrespect for you and your marriage!
And she is a therapist? Ugh!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.


Yep...most women go through it right before they enter into a full blown affair

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.
> 
> She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.


No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.

She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?

Just because she's in the business doesn't mean she's beyond help. That she refuses to seek professional help makes her narcissistic and a know-it-all. She doesn't know everything. She's most likely tone-deaf to many things because she's so caught up in how hot she is and reveling in the attention she's getting. So no, she doesn't know it all. How about marital counseling?

I know you're not at the divorce stage and I respect that. Don't think I would be, either. We're all different. But man,you've gotta bone up in the strength department and quit being so "understanding." Do you even get angry in front of her about this? You're allowed to, you know. She's treating your marriage like a farce and you like a friend who's gossiping about boys who like her. It's all really immature.

Just because she admits it's wrong doesn't mitigate the damage she's doing. In fact, I think it makes it worse. She is digging her heels in and doesn't GAF what you say or think. All she has to do is turn off all social media. I firmly believe she doesn't want to quit despite what she says. She loves it too much.

ETA: I've read more of your responses. What is your plan if her checkup comes back clean? Is there an end-date for how long you will tolerate her behavior? I rarely throw this word out, but do you know how close you sound to that of a cuckold? If you're ok with that,cool. No judging from me.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.
> 
> She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?
> 
> ...


Yep, the not wearing the wedding ring is an argument everyday. She’s at a point where she’s frankly just tired of hearing me talk about it. She said the time will come she’ll tired start wearing it again, but it’s not yet.
I get it. I’m weak, I’m too understanding. After 15 years, I’m still head over heels in love. I have zero desire to ever be with another person and frankly the thought of it makes me sick. I haven’t heard anything hear that I didn’t expect. I know exactly how things sound. What are the odds if I nut up, she straightens out? Or what needs to be done on my end to start preparing myself for a separation?


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> The question put forth was "do women go through this, is it normal?" Yes, women go through this at times. Every single women I've met to go through it cheated on her doting husband and turned into a complete POS wife. I'm sorry to say it but it's true. My boyfriend was scrolling through his Facebook feed the other day and said very sadly "there goes another one" when he saw his friend's wife posting all kinds of selfies and sexy shots on her wall. I asked what he meant "it always starts off that way...next year they'll be divorced." It happened with his ex wife...she had weight loss surgery and by the end of the year she was cheating on him. Every woman I know who has had this "I need attention so much!!" phase has cheated on her husband.
> 
> She says she'd be gutted if you changed your status on Facebook to single but it's okay for her to do it to you? Um...nope. If she wants to be single so badly, treat her that way. Start the 180, make your own plans to go out. Make sure to post pictures of your good times. And change your facebook status immediately.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I know things sound terrible. And I can’t explain why it’s different but it’s just different. But, what are the chances if I but up, she straightens up? Or will this likely just erode things more quickly? I’m not to a point yet where separation is an option.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

At this point, I think you're only chance is to let her see what her actions will cause...ie...you're going to go out and have fun too. She thinks she can put you on a shelf and go have her fun. Show her that won't happen. The fear of losing you might be enough to get her back to reality.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> At this point, I think you're only chance is to let her see what her actions will cause...ie...you're going to go out and have fun too. She thinks she can put you on a shelf and go have her fun. Show her that won't happen. The fear of losing you might be enough to get her back to reality.


She encourages me to go out and have fun. I have gone out for drinks with friends a few times. She’s glad I’m having a good time. I just don’t tell her I’d have more fun staying home with her. Maybe I’m smothering. I honestly don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t involve her.
She has mentioned she thinks we’re getting old and boring. We need to go out and have more fun. I have proposed finding some other couples to go out with and she loves the idea. But she also firmly believes she needs to have her friends and I have mine that we spend time with without each other every once and awhile.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> What are the odds if I nut up, she straightens out? Or what needs to be done on my end to start preparing myself for a separation?


She might not straighten out. Probably won't. But do you not respect yourself or love yourself enough to not allow anyone, even the love of your life, to walk all over you? She knows you'll never leave and that's the problem. She can do whatever she wants and you won't leave. 

She's basically getting numerous hall passes (without getting physical that we know of). How is that fair to you? What about you? I'm not one for playing games, but I think you should live your own life while under the same roof (the 180) and do your own thing. Hell, take off your wedding ring, go do what she's doing. If you don't want to, make her think that's what you're doing. This whole situation is so egregious and inequitable . It's gross. Her entitlement is astounding.

And, you need to go see a lawyer and find out what a legal separation and/or divorce would look like. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Consider it a fact-finding mission. 

I'll also let you in on a secret. Women abhor weak men. The respect dwindles to one scintilla if their man doesn't have a spine. Be a man of action.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anon76 said:


> There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.
> 
> She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.


So then there's nothing really to complain about because this is all stuff which you would have allowed, had you given it any thought? You didn't define boundaries in your relationship and marriage but, if you had, they would have been along the lines of what many would consider an "open" marriage?

Pretending that's not an issue for a moment, let's just look at her knowing something is wrong but not wanting to stop.

-What happens when you ask her if she'd like help stopping?

-What happens if you point out that people who can't stop doing something they know is wrong, will progress to rationalizing things even further from their sense of right & wrong over time?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?


Your wife wants to separate so that she can go out on dates with other guys?
She takes off her wedding ring and removes any mention on FB that she is married?
Seriously? Do you not realize how disrespectful that is to you and your marriage?
Even if she can't admit it to you and herself, she is either looking for a side piece or your replacement.
You need to have more respect for your self and nip the s**t in the bud.
Either she gets her ego boost from you or your out.
You may as well issue this edict now and stand a chance of having a marriage.
Because if you don't you will either be cheated on or summarily dismissed.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> We have discussed that. She admits that the way she feels is wrong, but she doesn’t want to change it. She said she would be absolutely destroyed if I were to remove marriage labels on Facebook, etc, but cannot be mad because she is doing it. Though she has said she would have zero issue with me hanging out with female friends in a platonic setting, which is what she’s asking for. She just wants to be told she’s good looking by other men when she’s out.


She has a problem with double standards, huh?
Give her a double dose of what she is giving you.
When she freaks, tell you you will quit when she does.
It's not the most mature way to handle it; however, it might be the only way that she quits.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> She might not straighten out. Probably won't. But do you not respect yourself or love yourself enough to not allow anyone, even the love of your life, to walk all over you? She knows you'll never leave and that's the problem. She can do whatever she wants and you won't leave.
> 
> She's basically getting numerous hall passes (without getting physical that we know of). How is that fair to you? What about you? I'm not one for playing games, but I think you should live your own life while under the same roof (the 180) and do your own thing. Hell, take off your wedding ring, go do what she's doing. If you don't want to, make her think that's what you're doing. This whole situation is so egregious and inequitable . It's gross. Her entitlement is astounding.
> 
> ...


It’s weird, I don’t let anybody walk over me, usually not even her. I’ve always been strong. But she came to me and just said she needs the attention for awhile and I tried to empathize with her. I don’t want her to be unhappy.
She encourages me to go out with friends as well. She has even said it can be females because it’s only fair. She doesn’t want me to sit at home and be miserable.
I have actually had the talk with her about whether or not I’m weak for going along with it. She said stupid maybe, but definitely not weak. I feel that it takes an incredibly strong man to put that much trust in his spouse.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> No. You can't make her do anything. But YOU sure as hell can do something. Remove yourself from the situation. Or you can ask her to leave.
> 
> She gets an A for honesty I guess? Not wearing her wedding ring because she wants compliments from other men (and women) is a big **** you to your face. Do you get that?
> 
> ...


Absolutely no, not a ****. If she does cheat or comes to me asking if she can, I draw the line. That won’t happen and our marriage stay together. I’ve made that abundantly clear. She agrees and says that’s not what she’s after. She is purely in it for the high of being desired.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Your wife wants to separate so that she can go out on dates with other guys?
> She takes off her wedding ring and removes any mention on FB that she is married?
> Seriously? Do you not realize how disrespectful that is to you and your marriage?
> Even if she can't admit it to you and herself, she is either looking for a side piece or your replacement.
> ...


No, she’s not going on dates. She’s never one on one with the guys. It always a group setting, mixed men and women. Like fishing trips, etc. But sometimes the main inviter is a male friend. Other times our son has gone and hung out with them too. So I know she’s not doing anything nefarious.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> No, she’s not going on dates. She’s never one on one with the guys. It always a group setting, mixed men and women. Like fishing trips, etc. But sometimes the main inviter is a male friend. Other times our son has gone and hung out with them too. So I know she’s not doing anything nefarious.


If she is going out with a mixed group, ask her why she is so ashamed of you that you can't be in the mix?
If it is all so above board, and she has said that she would have no problem going out with you and other couples, what is so different about this?
I'll tell you what the difference is, she is out "Shopping." She can't do that if you are around.
She has said that you may be stupid for going along with it.
When they make a statement like that, believe them!
You either need to toughen up and lay down the law or mimic her down to the letter.
List your status on FB as "Single", lose the wedding ring, find your own mixed group with some real "Hot" women in it. Liberally sprinkle your pictures on FB and other media. Show her that there are some other woman that want to hang with you, even if your own wife doesn't.
Why do you like playing Russian Roulette with your marriage?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> If she is going out with a mixed group, ask her why she is so ashamed of you that you can't be in the mix?
> If it is all so above board, and she has said that she would have no problem going out with you and other couples, what is so different about this?
> I'll tell you what the difference is, she is out "Shopping." She can't do that if you are around.
> She has said that you may be stupid for going along with it.
> ...


I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.

She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.
> 
> She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).


There is not necessarily anything wrong with having some separate friends.
My wife and I do as well.
However, she doesn't hang out with guys, and I don't hang out with women.
We do this out of respect for each other and our relationship.
I think the context of the situation makes the whole thing appear nefarious.
I could see a situation where you might not participate in activities all the time, but to be totally excluded? Not good.
No one else in this group thinks this is strange? Are all these people single, or are there a mix of married people?
Do they not think that it is strange that you are excluded? There are many other questions that can be asked, but these are the key ones.
At least she hasn't declared her self as single on FB, but her actions can enable one to draw a different conclusion.
I would be happy to be wrong here, but I don't see this whole thing boding well for you.
You have two plays here: 1) "Man" up, nip it in the bud and cooperatively come up with a scenario with proper boundaries where she can get what she needs, while allows you to feel respected and "safe" in the relationship. or 2) You give her exactly what she is giving you. Get some new clothes, go to the gym, new haircut, go on a real self improvement kick. Have your own life as well. Make her "Plan B", like she has you. Frankly, that might be your best play. She doesn't think you have the guts to do it. If you do it, she most likely will feel the threat, will comprehend where you are coming from, and will adjust her attitude accordingly.
Either way, you need to do something quickly, before it is too late (if it isn't already.)


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Openminded said:


> She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.





> Exactly. The only thing that is going to make her stop is action.
> Action from the OP is what is needed.
> She needs a double dose of the load she is feeding him served up to her.
> Actions speak louder than words.
> Mrs. OP needs to feel action, and a dose of discomfort.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Openminded said:


> She’s doing what she wants. She doesn’t care about your feelings enough to stop. Unfortunately, there are no magic words you can offer that will make her stop. It’s up to her what she does and it’s up to you what you’re willing to tolerate. Good luck.



Exactly. The only thing that is going to make her stop is action.
Action from the OP is what is needed.
She needs a double dose of the load she is feeding him served up to her.
Actions speak louder than words.
Mrs. OP needs to feel action, and a dose of discomfort.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> There is not necessarily anything wrong with having some separate friends.
> My wife and I do as well.
> However, she doesn't hang out with guys, and I don't hang out with women.
> We do this out of respect for each other and our relationship.
> ...


We have set a time to sit down and draw fair boundary lines. This coming after I return from a business trip and after the results from her tests are in. We have, in the mean time, drawn boundary lines to get us by until that conversation can happen. She is completely willing to enter a discussion to set clear and fair boundaries for the sake of the marriage. It’s something we discuss every single day.
As for your other question, it’s a mixed group. Some single, some married. Some couples come together, some leave their spouse at home. It’s a group that has been friends since high school and they have just kept that same circle so to speak.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.
> 
> She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).


She took off her wedding ring. She's "marking" herself as single.

Your house is on fire but you're walking around watering the plants.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> There is not necessarily anything wrong with having some separate friends.
> My wife and I do as well.
> However, she doesn't hang out with guys, and I don't hang out with women.
> We do this out of respect for each other and our relationship.
> ...


She really has no made me Plan B. I am still her priority 6 days of the week. But about 1 day a week she just wants to go out with her friends and be left alone. Again, that’s not too much of my issue. The main issue being she doesn’t want to acknowledge our marriage in fear of loosing the attention of Facebook creeps. Or wearing her wedding ring to miss out on the attention of other creeps. But, she is always very blunt with them. I’m not interested in anything, I just want you to call me hot.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm going to add my 2 cents as a woman. You have repeatedly said she likes the "attention." However, the type of "attention" she seeks isn't good for your marriage. I mean, she removes her wedding ring - WTF??? 

This is about disrespect. This is about you not having clear boundaries. Granted you cannot "make" anyone do anything against their will. But we're talking about a marriage here. What part of your wife becoming so wrapped up in needing other people's approval to feel good that she has to hang out in bars to do it are you okay with????

This is just wrong on so many levels. Sure, I can see enjoying compliments, but your wife is shaking her ass in public and making it seem like she's unattached. 

Denial. It's a powerful thing.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I'm going to add my 2 cents as a woman. You have repeatedly said she likes the "attention." However, the type of "attention" she seeks isn't good for your marriage. I mean, she removes her wedding ring - WTF???
> 
> This is about disrespect. This is about you not having clear boundaries. Granted you cannot "make" anyone do anything against their will. But we're talking about a marriage here. What part of your wife becoming so wrapped up in needing other people's approval to feel good that she has to hang out in bars to do it are you okay with????
> 
> ...


She’s not always hanging out in bars. In fact it’s never a bar. She’s always up front with people if they ask if she’s married. She’s just afraid the appearance of a ring might detract from ones desire to compliment her. She’s always bluntly honest that she just wants their compliments, nothing more.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> She really has no made me Plan B. I am still her priority 6 days of the week. But about 1 day a week she just wants to go out with her friends and be left alone. Again, that’s not too much of my issue. *The main issue being she doesn’t want to acknowledge our marriage in fear of loosing the attention of Facebook creeps. Or wearing her wedding ring to miss out on the attention of other creeps.* But, she is always very blunt with them. I’m not interested in anything, I just want you to call me hot.


When a woman truly loves and respects a man. they do none of the s**t highlighted in bold.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> When a woman truly loves and respects a man. they do none of the s**t highlighted in bold.


Fair assessment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can believe what you choose to believe but her actions say her need for attention is more important than anything else.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Openminded said:


> You can believe what you choose to believe but her actions say her need for attention is more important than anything else.


I completely agree. She has also admitted as such.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How long do you plan on accepting this behavior?


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> How long do you plan on accepting this behavior?


That I’m not sure of. I definitely want to get home so we can have our talk about strict boundaries, which she is 100% on board with. We also am awaiting lab results from tests run. I think it would be unfair to make a hasty decision before those things happen.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How about you extend your trip? Get together with a few high school friends and have some fun?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> That I’m not sure of. I definitely want to get home so we can have our talk about strict boundaries, which she is 100% on board with. We also am awaiting lab results from tests run. I think it would be unfair to make a hasty decision before those things happen.


I think you need to lay the whole thing out for her in a comprehensive and unfiltered manner.
She is not behaving like a person that loves and respects their spouse. She is not behaving in a manner that is "Safe" for you, your marriage or your family.
Certainly, her medical results need to be vetted and factored into the discussion. She may need to be treated for other conditions or be better medicated.
I'd say some serious IC is in order for anyone who needs to go to such lengths for personal validation. Don't take any crap about how she is in the business. A surgeon in a hospital may have done a thousand more appendectomies than any other doctor in the same hospital. However, does that mean when that same surgeon has appendicitis and needs emergency surgery, that he should operate on himself?
Also, after a period of IC, some MC may be in order. 
She needs to get with the program. You deserve better. Much better.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> How about you extend your trip? Get together with a few high school friends and have some fun?


By the time I get home, I’ll have been gone a month. I’m ready to be home at this point.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> I think you need to lay the whole thing out for her in a comprehensive and unfiltered manner.
> She is not behaving like a person that loves and respects their spouse. She is not behaving in a manner that is "Safe" for you, your marriage or your family.
> Certainly, her medical results need to be vetted and factored into the discussion. She may need to be treated for other conditions or be better medicated.
> I'd say some serious IC is in order for anyone who needs to go to such lengths for personal validation. Don't take any crap about how she is in the business. A surgeon in a hospital may have done a thousand more appendectomies than any other doctor in the same hospital. However, does that mean when that same surgeon has appendicitis and needs emergency surgery, that he should operate on himself?
> ...


I do plan on laying it all out in our discussion. I am a little afraid that I’ll agree to some terms I’m not happy with just to avoid separation. But I do know she’s as willing as I am to have these discussions, set these boundaries and make this work. But, she’s steadfast on some of her wants in the compromise as am I on some of mine.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> I do plan on laying it all out in our discussion. I am a little afraid that I’ll agree to some terms I’m not happy with just to avoid separation. But I do know she’s as willing as I am to have these discussions, set these boundaries and make this work. But, she’s steadfast on some of her wants in the compromise as am I on some of mine.


Somethings are negotiable, some things aren't.
Whatever you do, refuse to agree on anything that undermines the integrity of your marriage, sacrifices your self worth, self respect, or the best interests of your kids.
There are much more important things in the world than her "Feelz." If she truly not trying to create an "exit" event from your marriage, she truly needs some medical or counseling intervention.
Her behavior is shady and inappropriate.
She is acting in a manner that is reckless, and shows total disregard of any kind of love or respect for you.
If she wants to separate, have enough pride in yourself to inform her that she better be sure, because there will be no coming back. Inform her that if you are not her priority, you are not going to be her option. Then, if necessary, *walk that talk.*
The right thing is not always the easiest path. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to save it.
If I were in your position, a full psychological evaluation for her might be in order.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> She might not straighten out. Probably won't. But do you not respect yourself or love yourself enough to not allow anyone, even the love of your life, to walk all over you? She knows you'll never leave and that's the problem. She can do whatever she wants and you won't leave.
> 
> She's basically getting numerous hall passes (without getting physical that we know of). How is that fair to you? What about you? I'm not one for playing games, but I think you should live your own life while under the same roof (the 180) and do your own thing. Hell, take off your wedding ring, go do what she's doing. If you don't want to, make her think that's what you're doing. This whole situation is so egregious and inequitable . It's gross. Her entitlement is astounding.
> 
> ...


^^^ THIS.
Take off YOUR ring, do the 180 (180 for Betrayed Spouses ) and PLEASE at least PLAN for separation/divorce -- learn what will be involved. Get YOUR plans together -- she doesn't care what you are doing, so YOU need to care what you are doing. Does NOT MEAN you have to divorce her. BUT I may show her that how badly this affects you. Right now, she gets to have her cake and eat it. YOU are sitting home as plan B while she goes out and gets all the ego kibbles (let's hope that is all she is getting) she wants.
How is ANY of this fair to you. You cannot "nice" her back to stop this. Stop letting her walk all over you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> I have actually had the talk with her about whether or not I’m weak for going along with it. She said stupid maybe, but definitely not weak. I feel that it takes an incredibly strong man to put that much trust in his spouse.


COME ON -- she told you to your FACE she thinks you are stupid to go along with this -- WHAT does that say to you? She is placating you with the "definitely not weak" Just STUPID! (oh yeah, she really DOES think you are weak).



Anon76 said:


> It always a group setting, mixed men and women. Like fishing trips, etc. But sometimes the main inviter is a male friend. Other times our son has gone and hung out with them too. So I know she’s not doing anything nefarious.


Do you NOT THINK she knows your son is there and behaves when he is around? WHAT is she like without him there? If your son can go, WHY CAN'T YOU? Because she is acting/doing things you wouldn't like.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anon76 said:


> I do plan on laying it all out in our discussion. I am a little afraid that I’ll agree to some terms I’m not happy with just to avoid separation. But I do know she’s as willing as I am to have these discussions, set these boundaries and make this work. But, she’s steadfast on some of her wants in the compromise as am I on some of mine.


The wedding ring, in so many ways, is both symbolic and literal. With the ring on, she is saying she is not who she wants to be. That's not really something to negotiate. If she doesn't want to be the person wearing a wedding ring, it's really pretty simple.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

My ex pulled this crap on me and in two weeks, she became my ex. She wanted to hang out with a certain group made up mostly of men and eventually got a job doing that. There’s no way I would put up with that ****. By the way, the 4 kids were on my side.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Anon76 said:


> I am a little afraid that I’ll agree to some terms I’m not happy with just to avoid separation


Well there ya go. Compromise your boundaries and you've got jack-sh. 

So what exactly are the boundaries you plan to lay out? 

And I am in 1000% agreement with @Tdbo. If you compromise on things you don't like just to avoid separation, believe me - you WILL live to regret and resent it.

Look, I'm coming at this from the perspective of a woman. You sound somewhat weak. Women want a man who lays it on the line. Sure, that doesn't mean she won't walk if you lay out what you want in no uncertain terms, but a woman can sense when you are giving her a wide berth just so you can play the pick-me dance. She'll know. And, I assure you, she won't respect you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> Get together with a few high school friends and have some fun?


She will be.... all month.
I work 28/28 schedule as well. I had an electrical guy that was married to a woman like yours ... after divorce he checked in to a mental place for a while. During that time she was nailing 2 of our coworkers.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Anon76 you are playing with fire and it is a matter of time before someone comes along displays his desire and your wife reciprocates.

Not acknowledging she is married on FB or wearing her wedding ring are both disrespectful to you and your marriage. You talk about boundaries but she has already walked all over them and you let her. it is time for you to man up for goodness sake.
She got fit and attractive and none of it was for you, can't you see that and how screwed up this whole scenario is.

I cannot see how this kind of attention on social media is even healthy!
She needs a 'come to Jesus' moment because you have been feeding into her ******** from day 1 and making excuses. Yeah you love her but to be honest, a man who loves his woman, will not let anyone else come sniffing around and will protect what he has. You are weak and are not doing that. In fact to her that is probably totally unattractive but she is getting some weired kick out of humiliating you, yes it is humiliating, you also cannot see that?

You need to change tactics and say you are not happy with her not wearing her wedding ring, seeking attention of other guys, etc. Tell her if she doe not value you feelings nor the marriage then two can play that game.
Then you do the hard 180 on her. Lose interest in anything she is doing, start going out as many nights a week as you can, with whomever, join the gym, just do not be available to her. Limit your communication with her, keep it formal. Do not let her know what you are doing, where you are going, etc. Build yourself into a man who values himself and takes no ********. Take back your manhood and stop being a doormat.

If it all goes south which it will with this carry on, then at least you will be a man any woman would be proud to wear a ring from.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, she thinks you’re weak.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

IMO: You are not taking a stand because you know deep down that she is going to continue with her attention-seeking spree no matter what you say. Her psyche is out-of-control. I'm thinking you should be really worried because of the unknown changes with regard to her previous behavior. The previous woman is gone. What if her tests show nothing. Should we be hoping for a small tumor on part of the pituitary system?

Is perhaps she taking some OTC vitamins, minerals, amino acids, etc. that would not show up in a chemistry panel? There are all kinds of concoctions and potions that folks 'use' to enhance their looks--some even absorbed through the skin. 

She says openly removing signs of marriage increases her chances of being considered hot or hit on and she rebuffs the man or woman. This is a dangerous game she is playing--she could be hurt. No reason for you to copy-cat her if you choose not to. But you could wear your ring only when she wears hers and similar things.

Addiction to praise is related to lack of comfort with self. However, she doesn't just want praise, she wants extraordinary male/female responses. Sexual turn-on. She actually sounds like, to put it crudely, she is in heat.

What would you do if your daughter was acting like this? What would you think of the woman who came on to you and/or acted like she does? If the cost is great enough, she could quit--with therapy. If she refuses, what you do doesn't matter anyway. Can't imagine your anxiety while you are gone a month. Sorry for your pain--I know it is there.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Anon76 said:


> I’m not really sure. I guess I was looking for confirmation that some women go through a similar situation at some points. I really think it’s a midlife crisis or some sort of chemical imbalance. She wants to quit as much as I want her to quit.


No woman I know has ever gone through anything like this. I'm furious for you, what your wife is doing is beyond disrespectful. I can't even...

My husband is one of the most laid back people you could meet, easy going, flexible, supportive. No way in hades would he sit by and allow me to do this. Wow. And if he started talking about wanting to go out with groups of women, I'd be "don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out buddy".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nypsychnurse said:


> I totally agree with this!
> Also her behavior shows a total disrespect for you and your marriage!
> And she is a therapist? Ugh!
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


My wife is a Doctor of Psychology. And she knows that she doesn't require help, generally. And when she did seek help she was able to manipulate the lowly qualified counsellor by giving them exactly what information they required to form the conclusions she wanted them to form.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m on tam four years and I honestly cannot remember a weaker man than the op in this thread. His wife is telling him she wants to cheat and he’s giving her the go ahead.
Does he honestly think his wife isn’t banging these guys while he’s away from home for weeks at a time.
Men don’t hang around a woman like her, giving compliments etc without some result at the end of the night. And now we learn that the op is away for a month? FFS.
Hire a PI at the very least and find out what’s really going on.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> By the time I get home, I’ll have been gone a month. I’m ready to be home at this point.


A month is a very long time. I'd be very curious to see what your homecoming is going to look like. Will she jump your bones immediately because it's been at least a month since she's had sex? She should be raring to go with all of the copious flirting she's done in your absence.

I do hope you report back to us.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> She tried it. She actually got off of FB for awhile, but she missed the attention and started again. She compares it to a drug addiction. Asking a heroine addict to just quit doesn’t generally go well. She’s addicted to the attention.


The problem with addiction is that over time, the addict has to do higher and higher doses in order to get that high that they are after. 



Anon76 said:


> she just needs some time to get through this phase on needing to feel hot and desired by others. And again, it’s not all men. She loves the attention from women too.


This is not a phase that she will get through. Soon, just having others tell her that she is hot will not deliver the same "high" and she will increase the dose by allowing others to touch her which will eventually turn into her sleeping with others in order to get the high that she craves. This is your future dude. You don't battle addiction by feeding it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have a question. Who are these people in the outside world telling this wife so frequently that she's attractive and giving her so much attention? OP said it's not bars she's going to. This is a woman in her 40s I'm guessing.

Where in the outside world and from whom does she get so much attention? I mean, not just going by my experiences, but I'm around people in life and I don't observe this happening like this.

Color me confused about someone receiving such a constant stream of attention and praise.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> She encourages me to go out with friends as well. She has even said it can be females because it’s only fair. She doesn’t want me to sit at home and be miserable.


Realize this statement is to only make your concerns invalid and what your W is doing as ok.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.
> 
> She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).


I agree that some separation of friends is healthy. However, my friends are male. We talk men things. My W friends are female. They talk female things. We both certainly do not look for validation with our looks, etc from the opposite sex. I need to look great from one single person in my life. That is my W. My W daily gets herself together(as the say) every morning(even days she is not going out) to look good for me. She will say that from time to time. Your W certainly has an odd perception on what truly is valid in her life.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Yeswecan said:


> Realize this statement is to only make your concerns invalid and what your W is doing as ok.


Agreed, this noise from her is merely window dressing.
If you go out with friends, especially females, she is going to feel threatened because her fall back option is gaining some traction. This is going to make her queasy.
She'll get over her need for "Feelz" real quick if she sees the power dynamic switching.
It's past time for the OP to get his "Ballz" on and take charge of his relationship and his destiny.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Anon76 said:


> I asked her to not hang out with male friends, because it made me uncomfortable. A few of them were inappropriate and obviously only wanted one thing from her. Luckily, she noticed this as well and told those creeps to go to hell. She stopped for a short while but just said she needs to be able to go out and have fun with friends sometimes.
> 
> She went to a doctor recently for a complete work upto see if anything is wrong. We’re currently awaiting results.


Ok, so at least you guys are not sitting idle, and trying to figure out if there is a medical reason for this. But yeah, no offense to guys, but if a guy is generally hanging out with a woman, it's for one thing, unfortunately, and it's not just friendship lol. I think that's a given.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Anon76 said:



She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else.

Click to expand...

*Good lord. What turnip truck did YOU just fall off of?

*



Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!

Click to expand...

*The most important question you didn't ask was, "do I have a spine?"

The answer to that is a resounding "no."

Do you enjoy keeping your head buried in the sand because it's so nice and warm around your ears? You seriously need to take the blinders OFF. Then you need to find your testicles and put them back in place. Lastly, you need to find your damned spine and start commanding the respect you deserve! All this weak-willed whining and teeth gnashing and hand wringing is what women do when they watch soap operas for God's sakes.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

So, some test results have come in. Not enough to be 100% conclusive yet, but initial results lean towards there being an issue causing inflammation on the brain. More tests are being run to identify if it is what the Dr. suspects. After a steroid shot, she seems to be feeling much better. She has already made a preliminary agreement to start wearing her ring again and has remarked herself as married on Facebook.
I would not say the situation is completely taken care of yet, but things seem to be well in their way. We will still be having a serious talk about acceptable behavior, but I am hopeful that we have found a root cause at this point.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> So, some test results have come in. Not enough to be 100% conclusive yet, but initial results lean towards there being an issue causing inflammation on the brain. More tests are being run to identify if it is what the Dr. suspects. After a steroid shot, she seems to be feeling much better. She has already made a preliminary agreement to start wearing her ring again and has remarked herself as married on Facebook.
> I would not say the situation is completely taken care of yet, but things seem to be well in their way. We will still be having a serious talk about acceptable behavior, but I am hopeful that we have found a root cause at this point.


Well, it is at least reassuring to learn that there is a medical component to it.
However (and I think you know) do not discount the emotional/psychological component to this.
The changes she made, did she make them of her own volition, or as the result of a demand from you?
Do not let up. Stay on offense.
I hope for your sake you headed something off before it became terminal (physically and marriage wise.)


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Well, it is at least reassuring to learn that there is a medical component to it.
> However (and I think you know) do not discount the emotional/psychological component to this.
> The changes she made, did she make them of her own volition, or as the result of a demand from you?
> Do not let up. Stay on offense.
> I hope for your sake you headed something off before it became terminal (physically and marriage wise.)


It was mainly a health thing. She started having panic attacks in fear of dying due to being unhealthy. So it was never really about looking better, it was about being healthier. The looks just came along with it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> It was mainly a health thing. She started having panic attacks in fear of dying due to being unhealthy. So it was never really about looking better, it was about being healthier. The looks just came along with it.


Did she agree to start wearing her wedding ring and restore her married status on FB on her own volition, or did she agree to do so after you brought it up? I ask because it speaks to her coming out of her self imposed self-centered fog, and perhaps demonstrating some remorse for her actions.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Did she agree to start wearing her wedding ring and restore her married status on FB on her own volition, or did she agree to do so after you brought it up? I ask because it speaks to her coming out of her self imposed self-centered fog, and perhaps demonstrating some remorse for her actions.


I asked earlier this morning prior to hearing from the doctor and she said probably not, but later after (I assume) the steroid shot started kicking in, she did it on her own.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How often are you away from home?

IMO, among other things, your wife wants you to fight for her. She subconsciously wants you dramatically draw a line in the sand and (because you haven't) sees your 'tolerance' of her: behavior, excuses & suggested life style as her being less desirable in your eyes.

In the mean time, she's playing with fire. You're falsely assuming that you'll have some sort of warning before the affair. 

Unfortunately, that's not how human beings are programmed. We're programmed to bond emotionally and physically.
Boundaries help protect us. 

As I'm sure she (as a psychologist) knows, sex is the currency that a woman pays to keep the attention going.

Finally, her problem isn't that she likes attention - but rather she takes her self worth from virtually any POS in her life.

That's a pretty low bar. Has she done nothing in her life that's she proud of that defines her?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tdbo said:


> Did she agree to start wearing her wedding ring and restore her married status on FB on her own volition, or did she agree to do so after you brought it up? I ask because it speaks to her coming out of her self imposed self-centered fog, and perhaps demonstrating some remorse for her actions.





Anon76 said:


> I asked earlier this morning prior to hearing from the doctor and she said probably not, but later after (I assume) the steroid shot started kicking in, she did it on her own.


So you're saying earlier in the day she did not agree with your request ("probably not" meaning she'd not be putting the ring back on), but later, after the meds, she went ahead and put it back on?

It's going to be very tough keeping her centered. When she's of sound mind, would you consider having her write down a few things to remind her of who she is, what she should be doing, and post it on the wall somewhere? Basically accountability and the opportunity to more-readily recognize her own state of mental fog. That there are two versions of your wife.

My wife has a different sort of two versions, but the overall angst may be similar. My wife will rewrite history to suit the narrative she desires, both recent and past. In therapy she'll learn what she needs to do, and she's good for maybe three days, and then poof, she reverts. And her therapists really aren't into accountability. Plus, she has learned how to play them. 

Wishing you the best. You need it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> I asked earlier this morning prior to hearing from the doctor and she said probably not, but later after (I assume) the steroid shot started kicking in, she did it on her own.


Very interesting.
I wonder if this is remorse, or if she is scared about possible outcomes.
If it is the latter, you will probably see hysterical bonding in some form.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


This is 100% inappropriate.

You should not permit even 1 date with another man.

You should stop all of this now or kiss your marriage bye-bye.

She vows to put you above all other men "forsaking all others"

She is breaking vows now.
Marriage health trumps selfy high, male attention high.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Anon76 said:


> She’s already in the medical profession, specifically mental health, a psychologist. She’s not really interested in counseling because that’s what she does and she already knows everything they’ll tell her to try and she’s tried it. She’s had some other medical tests run and is awaiting those results. She’s hoping something can be found as the culprit. Because this is honestly a complete 180 of how she’s felt her entire life. We’re well aware something is off but not sure what.
> 
> Im well aware most people say they trust their spouse, but I honestly can say I do. She’s been 100% upfront and honest about the entire thing. She wants it to stop as much as I do, but also is loving having the attention she’s never had.


Just because she is psychologist does not mean she can treat herself. That’s the problem with counselors, they are the hardest to help. I would say that for mental health professional she is behaving rather clueless. She likes the phase and doesn't want to end it.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> That’s obviously the last thing I want. And not really something in my agenda at this moment, but I appreciate your response.


Because you are not willing to end it in order to save it...you will probably lose it anyway.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?


Umm.....HELL YES!
No way would I tolerate this.
She wouldn't have a husband waiting for her when she got home.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> My end game has never changed. I meant my wedding vows when I took them. That I will love her until death do us part. I’m 100% willing to be unhappy for a couple months to maintain a lifetime of happiness. Obviously, if she decides she wants to sleep with other people, things will likely change. She has said she feels the same way, she just needs some time to get through this phase on needing to feel hot and desired by others. And again, it’s not all men. She loves the attention from women too.


You are very weak.
Too weak to stand up to your wife.
We cannot offer advice to guys with no spine.
Sit at home and give her no consequences take her back no matter what, she will cheat or already has.
NOTHING will change without consequences.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

hinterdir said:


> You are very weak.
> Too weak to stand up to your wife.
> *We cannot offer advice to guys with no spine.*
> Sit at home and give her no consequences take her back no matter what, she will cheat or already has.
> NOTHING will change without consequences.


That's not quite true. We continue to offer advice, along the lines of the importance of building a spine. I think there have been some successes here and there.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

nypsychnurse said:


> I totally agree with this!
> Also her behavior shows a total disrespect for you and your marriage!
> And she is a therapist? Ugh!
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


This is why I don't like therapists. I have a few stories of my own.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So did she jump your bones when you came home. How was the welcome home celebration?
How was your sex life before this started? How is it since?

From now on if her rings come off take yours off. When she objects ask her why, do you think I’m stupid. Hide your relationship on Facebook too if she does it again.
You had a chance to be husband material at every step of this and failed. You are begging to stay married but if you read enough here you will see what you have been doing his greasing the skids.
It’s to early to tell if her health is the issue. I’m betting when you got home you weren’t the same man that left.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


All that attention is going to lead to her eventually cheating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Many of the folks commenting to you here have been around long enough to recognize and understand the concept of; there is how we want things to work, and then there is how they actually do work.

Everyone thus far has been focusing on your wifes behavior. YOU are focusing on your wifes behavior and hoping that it will change.

So I'm going to bring it on around back as I eventually did for myself, and have consistently recommended to others over the last ... holy crap; 12 years.

You waiting, hoping, and pointing out to her your dissatisfaction with where this behavior is trending will accomplish one of two things. The first being, nothing. Or ... the second being that you continue dutifully supporting her through her 'phase' while your relationship starts circling the drain. I know, I know, it isn't there, and you don't want it to go there. But you really, really, need to acknowledge and recognize, that it will.

So lets cover the ground bases.

Your wife is in shape and hot, and consequently getting LOTS of attention.

How about you? Is health and appearance a priority to you, or you comfortably rockin' the dad bod?

Kids?

Age? How old are the two of you?

Sex life? Attraction, interaction with one another? After 15 years it is rare air to still get the tingles for one another.

I'll bottom line this for you. Everything you have pointed out in your posts above indicates a partner that is moving away from your relationship. And honestly? You need to seriously evaluate the arc of your spouses behavior and acknowledge if you truly believe she was suffering from depression ... which, c'mon ... there are host of treatment options for. Or ... if she's just straight up bored with her life and marriage.

At the end of this road, wherever it may lead; it will not resolve for good or ill based on her behavior. It will resolve based upon yours.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I sent one of my littlest fellows.

A really small being.
An Imp.

He looked in your wife's ear when she was sleeping...

He found out she was depressed. Her happy/sad button was stuck on sad.
This was mentioned.

He could not see more because it was so dark in there.
He decided he needed to probe further 'in'. He pulled a torch out of his jacket and shined the light all about.

He first needed to get past the earwax, and he slipped a few times trying to get through the small hole in her eardrum.
But, he made it inside.

Looking at the machinery in there, he saw that she was compulsive, and obsessive.
And she was willful and destructive to herself and to her relationships.

*What he also found was that she was not alone. *

She too, had a HeadMate, residing inside her cranium.
It was a younger woman, who needed constant attention.

She was a flirt, and she loved it when men eyed her curves.
Well, not hers. The curves of the woman, whom she resided in.

Yes, she got the adulation, second-hand. It was a poor substitute for full-on sex, but she made do.

She had to, as she was not fully, in charge.

The littlest of imps snuck up behind her, and bit her ear. She was caught off guard, giving little him an opportunity to take a sample of her blood.

Later, we tested It, and she had an imbalance of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.

Note: this HeadMate got her nutrients from her host, Anon76's wife.
So, both had this deficiency. Uh, well, one would suppose.

When the results of the imps visit and the blood work were complete, we came to a conclusion.

She was self-medicating, using ogling mens eyes, to stimulate blood flow to her centre.

How?

These men increased her dopamine.
By encouraging and allowing male dopes to look her up and down. This/then stimulated the base of her spine, and then her mood.

It also stimulated acupuncture point, BL 34. Or, so the imp so told.


And, these men, their words stimulated her ear canal, and her young girl's, hooded flipper.
This brings her out of her doldrums.

She knows that this behavior is inappropriate, but likes the feeling and so cares, but not enough to stop.
Will this wayward behavior end up progressing into a full fledged affair, with an admirer who is exceptionally smooth?

It could.
It might.
It will, if this behavior goes on....long enough.

The right man will come along and steer her further to her that eventual fall, and then to her shame.

The thing with looks of lust, words of desire..from these men.
It will become boring, it will not suffice, she will then up her game, lower her standards, and finally lower her panties.

Is this inevitable?,
No, but it is predictable.

To continue the good feeling, the good vibes, she will need to escalate her wayward actions.

There is a chance, and not a small one. She is playing you.
She is letting you know that she wants more in life.

She wants another man. And, she is slowly and surely testing the ones on the meat market, the market outside your door.

She called you a fool, because you cannot see her game, or call her out on it.
The men who eye her up and down, the ones who try to seduce her....yes, those.

That is the sort of man that she seeks.

And, she is just waiting for one, the right one to come along. The one who will not be passive, the one who will sweep her off her feet.

The one who will take her to his apartment, and passionately make love to her.
And do so, over and over, until she cannot stand on her two legs without hobbling and wobbling.


_King Brian-_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?


Then like many men that have been in your position, you sir are a fool.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> There’s no allowing or disallowing. She’s an adult. I can’t MAKE her do anything.
> 
> She definitely would not have been ok with that agreement at the beginning of our marriage. Nor would have I. But she has always been an extremely strong personality type. If you don’t like it you’re free to leave type. She’s not going to change her mind for anybody at anytime. That’s basically where we are now. She has said what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn’t want to stop. She hopes it’s a phase and she doesn’t want the attention before long, but she’s not going to stop while she wants it.


So she is giving you the BIG FU


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> Yep, the not wearing the wedding ring is an argument everyday. She’s at a point where she’s frankly just tired of hearing me talk about it. She said the time will come she’ll tired start wearing it again, but it’s not yet.
> I get it. I’m weak, I’m too understanding. After 15 years, I’m still head over heels in love. I have zero desire to ever be with another person and frankly the thought of it makes me sick. I haven’t heard anything hear that I didn’t expect. I know exactly how things sound. What are the odds if I nut up, she straightens out? Or what needs to be done on my end to start preparing myself for a separation?


You have zero self respect.

She will see you as a weak man.

She will meet a man that isn’t weak like yourself.

She will leave you for the stronger man.

Or she will just continue to cheat on you like she is now. There is a reason she isn’t wearing her wedding ring.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked before, she just says she wants us each to have our own group of friends, separate from each other. Sometimes it’s healthy to have a little separation like that.
> 
> She’s not marked as single on her profile, she just made the relationship status to where only a handful of people can see it. (She’s still linked to my account, she’s just hidden it from public view).


Like you don’t exist.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Well I hope she understood where you were coming from. The injection may have helped, but what was the root cause?
Why did it affect the area of the brain for or to be of desire?
Communication is helpful. She should be able to better understand now what was going on. 
There are many WW who just wanted to be flirted with, complimented or had drinks bought for them. Only to get too hooked up in the emotional game then whoops a penis found its way into my vagina. (Can I say that here)?
One day at a time 
Buffer


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> By the time I get home, I’ll have been gone a month. I’m ready to be home at this point.


So she has had a month to bang any guy she wants. You would never know if she did.


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Just read all of this; have you tracked wifey on her outings? There are cheap private detectives who would follow her up for 2 weeks and provide you the evidence you need. In the meantime, you need to try the 360 degree.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> You’re right, I could be wrong. But I choose to believe her because I still trust her. I feel 100% confident she will not cheat. I guess I’m just wondering if this is a normal type of phase some women go through. And if you knew 100% your wife would remain faithful, would you still have a problem with these actions?


No going after men and dating them isn't a normal type of phase normal married women go though. I had depression for many years when I was younger and not once did I crave other men's attention. Nor would I ever have gone out alone on dates with other men(which is what she is doing). She is a married lady but dating other men, and you are enabling it. If she hasn't already cheated physically she soon will if this carries on, and she is already cheating emotionally anyway. There is no way that I would put up with my husband dating other women.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Then like many men that have been in your position, you sir are a fool.


Amen.
This guy us weak and clueless.


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## supercanuck (Jul 3, 2020)

I would have to agree with others here. Even if she approached this with all the best intentions, i.e. "I just like the attention." All it takes is for one of those jerks who she likes to make an extra move and it could be all over. These things will quickly snowball into an affair before you know it. I think that's what happened when my wife had hers.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

discern said:


> Just read all of this; have you tracked wifey on her outings? There are cheap private detectives who would follow her up for 2 weeks and provide you the evidence you need. In the meantime, you need to try the 360 degree.


He needs to try a 180.
The last thing Anon needs is more of the same.
However, someone monitoring her ass incognito could be a source of useful information.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A brain swelling??? From what???? That only affected need for attention? That was magically cured in 8 hours by taking a steroid? 

What?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*You *are way less important to her than anonymous creeps on FB. She will sacrifice the feelings of her devoted husband, for some random pervs. That is what this boils down too.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Another update. I ended up taking the advice of many of you and hired a PI to follow her for a couple days. One night she went out with a group of friends to a bar. While all of her friends drank, she drank water and ate chips and salsa. She rebuffed the advances of men coming over to her and asking her to dance, but her a drink, etc. she actually called me that night after she got home and her story 100% matches the story the PI told me.
Another day she went out for a ride in the motorcycle. She met up with a friend and they rode around for a couple hours, then parted ways. Nothing nefarious went on. Again, she called me once she got home and I got the exact same story from her that the PI relayed to me.
I took off a couple days early to surprise her by coming home early. She was ecstatic! Super excited to see me and jumped my bones as soon as she saw me. Pretty well standard behavior every time I come home. (Our sex kids has always been great) She talked about how excited she was that I was able to come home early and cancelled plans she had with friends for Saturday night so we could go out together.
We have not had our “big talk” yet, but have had some smaller ones about what the future holds. She is 100% committed to making this work and is willing to give up some of the things that make me uncomfortable.
I will continue to have the PI track her for awhile, but so far I think we’re off to a great start from my viewpoint.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

I also want to clarify that she’s not meeting men for dates. She deletes anybody from Facebook once they progress past telling her she looks good. They make friends she is hanging out with are almost always in a group setting and they’re always friends from high school, people she grew up with.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> Another update. I ended up taking the advice of many of you and hired a PI to follow her for a couple days. One night she went out with a group of friends to a bar. While all of her friends drank, she drank water and ate chips and salsa. She rebuffed the advances of men coming over to her and asking her to dance, but her a drink, etc. she actually called me that night after she got home and her story 100% matches the story the PI told me.
> Another day she went out for a ride in the motorcycle. She met up with a friend and they rode around for a couple hours, then parted ways. Nothing nefarious went on. Again, she called me once she got home and I got the exact same story from her that the PI relayed to me.
> I took off a couple days early to surprise her by coming home early. She was ecstatic! Super excited to see me and jumped my bones as soon as she saw me. Pretty well standard behavior every time I come home. (Our sex kids has always been great) She talked about how excited she was that I was able to come home early and cancelled plans she had with friends for Saturday night so we could go out together.
> We have not had our “big talk” yet, but have had some smaller ones about what the future holds. She is 100% committed to making this work and is willing to give up some of the things that make me uncomfortable.
> I will continue to have the PI track her for awhile, but so far I think we’re off to a great start from my viewpoint.


It sounds promising.
However, there are still a lot of unresolved issues.
You need to set the tone for your relationship.
She needs to understand that the actions that have been discussed here are disrespectful to you, your marriage, and your family. You should not condone or accept them in any way, shape or form.
It's good to hear that the only thing she was doing in the bar was gnawing on chips/salsa and drinking water. However, did she do this with her ring on?
You are her husband. You are the only one that should be giving her the ego boost treatment. Ask her what she needs from you, and if it is reasonable, give her some kibbles. You should tell her that her desire to lead on others, is not only unfair to you, it is unfair to them as well.
She should not only be willing to give up reckless actions, but you should focus on what I outlined in #73. You need to be loving, supportive, caring, and attentive; however you should hold her accountable for the frivolity and recklessness that has given you heartburn throughout all this. She is your spouse. You would not treat her the way she has treated you. Make it compulsory that she reciprocate with the respect that a spouse (You) deserves.
Is there any update on the health situation? Is there anything with her condition that would correlate to erratic behavior?
Is it serious enough that it would cause her to back off her assertiveness the way she did? These are all factors to keep in mind.
You appear to be getting in the proper mindset. At this point, "Trust but verify" should be your motto.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> It sounds promising.
> However, there are still a lot of unresolved issues.
> You need to set the tone for your relationship.
> She needs to understand that the actions that have been discussed here are disrespectful to you, your marriage, and your family. You should not condone or accept them in any way, shape or form.
> ...


No more medical updates as of yet, though there is another appointment with the Dr next week which should answer some more questions. The Dr did say the inflammation certainly could have caused both the depression and newly found desire for attention and that relief from these desires with a steroid shot make it even more likely, those more testing was run for a thorough diagnosis.
I have made it clear that her actions are unfair to both me and any men that she enters conversation with, as well as potentially dangerous. She acknowledges this is the case. She stated this is why she only meets friends she has known for years and not the creeps from Facebook. And why she straight up blows off the creeps from Facebook because she literally has zero interest in them beyond compliments.
I’ve made it known that I’m here to support her through these issues she’s having but there must be clear borders drawn that she cannot cross.
Anytime I’ve asked her what I can do to change things. I get the “it’s not you, it’s me” answer. She said there is absolutely zero she would change about me as a husband and father. She just needs some space to figure things out for herself. She said while she k it’s she loves me and the kids with everything she has, she doesn’t think she loves herself. And that is something that she needs to find.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> No more medical updates as of yet, though there is another appointment with the Dr next week which should answer some more questions. The Dr did say the inflammation certainly could have caused both the depression and newly found desire for attention and that relief from these desires with a steroid shot make it even more likely, those more testing was run for a thorough diagnosis.
> I have made it clear that her actions are unfair to both me and any men that she enters conversation with, as well as potentially dangerous. She acknowledges this is the case. She stated this is why she only meets friends she has known for years and not the creeps from Facebook. And why she straight up blows off the creeps from Facebook because she literally has zero interest in them beyond compliments.
> I’ve made it known that I’m here to support her through these issues she’s having but there must be clear borders drawn that she cannot cross.
> Anytime I’ve asked her what I can do to change things. I get the “it’s not you, it’s me” answer. She said there is absolutely zero she would change about me as a husband and father. She just needs some space to figure things out for herself. She said while she k it’s she loves me and the kids with everything she has, she doesn’t think she loves herself. And that is something that she needs to find.


😏


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> No more medical updates as of yet, though there is another appointment with the Dr next week which should answer some more questions. The Dr did say the inflammation certainly could have caused both the depression and newly found desire for attention and that relief from these desires with a steroid shot make it even more likely, those more testing was run for a thorough diagnosis.
> I have made it clear that her actions are unfair to both me and any men that she enters conversation with, as well as potentially dangerous. She acknowledges this is the case. She stated this is why she only meets friends she has known for years and not the creeps from Facebook. And why she straight up blows off the creeps from Facebook because she literally has zero interest in them beyond compliments.
> I’ve made it known that I’m here to support her through these issues she’s having but there must be clear borders drawn that she cannot cross.
> Anytime I’ve asked her what I can do to change things. I get the “it’s not you, it’s me” answer. She said there is absolutely zero she would change about me as a husband and father. She just needs some space to figure things out for herself. She said while she k it’s she loves me and the kids with everything she has, *she doesn’t think she loves herself. And that is something that she needs to find.*


What I highlighted in bold says it all.
Her solution is not going to be with friends, on FB, or in a bar with chips/salsa.
She needs some fairly intensive IC to come up with some solutions to this.
Her dealing with it in any other manner is not constructive, and is unfair to you and your family.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> What I highlighted in bold says it all.
> Her solution is not going to be with friends, on FB, or in a bar with chips/salsa.
> She needs some fairly intensive IC to come up with some solutions to this.
> Her dealing with it in any other manner is not constructive, and is unfair to you and your family.


I’ve asked her to seek help. She says she will be there, wanting to quit at some point, but as a drug addict has to want to quit to find help, she also has to want to quit. And she’s not there yet.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked her to seek help. She says she will be there, wanting to quit at some point, but as a drug addict has to want to quit to find help, she also has to want to quit. And she’s not there yet.


Change is a process, it's not an event.
However, if, for instance, she was a drug addict, her actions would have negative impact on her family (her OD'ing, financial costs, possibly resorting to crime, etc. to fulfill her need, etc.) This really is no different. Her actions unchecked, could lead to harm to herself, an affair, breaking up of marriage, family, etc.)
That's why she needs to address it in a thoughtful and constructive manner.
You will need to motivate her to get there or you will be in limbo forever.
You will need to look at the "Motivation" scale (passive to SOB) and find the least aggressive level of "Applied Motivation" required to get there, in the least amount of time possible.


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## californian (Jan 28, 2010)

Anon76:

Look up “codependency”.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> I also want to clarify that she’s not meeting men for dates. She deletes anybody from Facebook once they progress past telling her she looks good. They make friends she is hanging out with are almost always in a group setting and they’re always friends from high school, people she grew up with.


What does this look like big picture?
For example, in an average month, or 2-3 week period, how often is she going out without you?
Just every now and then or is this every week?
Does she often go to bars?
Are you invited or welcome to join her or "forbidden"?
Friends?
What does that mean?
A couple of girls, a guy and girl, several guys?
What does all of this actually look like?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> I’ve asked her to seek help. She says she will be there, wanting to quit at some point, but as a drug addict has to want to quit to find help, she also has to want to quit. And she’s not there yet.


So she is willing to hurt you and the relationship for her fix.

What if, like any junky, never gives up her fix?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She has no reason to stop, you are being a doormat.

She takes her rings off, you are like ok.😞 

this is just sad.


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## WolfRaven (Mar 28, 2020)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


I am in a very similar situation accept I am farther down the road in the situation after 17 years together.
My wife wanted the same thing and I should have stopped it and did not.
I am now separated and living apart from her, moving in the direction of a divorce.
She finally found a guy who she was willing to cross the line with, despite telling me that she never would and did not want to have sex with any of them and it was just the attention she craved.
There is more going on in her head than you think. You need to have a hard conversation with her and find out what she really needs before it is too late. 
I wish I would have. 
You need to find a way to make her realize that this is going to destroy your relationship.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would simply tell her she needs to pick. Random men’s attention or yours. She is married so she can’t have both. This immature gig is up, If you played hardball and laid this out (choosing other men will mean divorce), I think she might be miraculously cured.


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

We had a long talk last night and have decided to separate for a trial period. We will see how things go living separated and will discuss whether we want to be together or not after a probably 3 month time frame.
I was not willing to give her everything she wanted and certain concessions I wanted she wouldn’t agree to, so we decided a trial separation is best.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Anon76 said:


> We had a long talk last night and have decided to separate for a trial period. We will see how things go living separated and will discuss whether we want to be together or not after a probably 3 month time frame.
> I was not willing to give her everything she wanted and certain concessions I wanted she wouldn’t agree to, so we decided a trial separation is best.


So, you are divorcing
She 100% will be dating and having sex so she has already chosen.
What your doing now is just a charade.
She is totally free during this period and can just live it up with other men.
What kind of woman did you marry?
What a perverse, selfish person this is that this is what marriage is to them.
Sorry dude, you really chose poorly, she is a HORRIBLE wife.
Please focus on moving on.
3.5 billion women.
You can do better than this.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anon76 said:


> We had a long talk last night and have decided to separate for a trial period. We will see how things go living separated and will discuss whether we want to be together or not after a probably 3 month time frame.
> I was not willing to give her everything she wanted and certain concessions I wanted she wouldn’t agree to, so we decided a trial separation is best.


That went downhill quick.
So much for her commitment to making things work.
You may want to start vetting attorneys and working on your next relationship.
I hope I'm wrong, but from what you said, it sounds like she is a loose cannon and the only thing that may have prevented her from hooking up with someone else is the structure of your marriage.
With that jettisoned, she will do her own thing.
All you can do now is do yours. Don't sit and wait for her. Play her game.
If you get traction, she'll more than likely adjust her attitude real quick.
You stood strong for the right things. Continue being strong.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> That went downhill quick.
> So much for her commitment to making things work.
> You may want to start vetting attorneys and working on your next relationship.
> I hope I'm wrong, but from what you said, it sounds like she is a loose cannon and the only thing that may have prevented her from hooking up with someone else is the structure of your marriage.
> ...


The marriage is toast.
He should just start dating, get his house in order for divorce and move on.
She is about to start going out and having sex. Not a chance in hell she isn't out screwing these 3 months.
He needs to just move on now.
This woman should have never married.
Get an attorney, stsrt meeting other women.
His wife is BAD NEWS.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> The marriage is toast.
> He should just start dating, get his house in order for divorce and move on.
> She is about to start going out and having sex. Not a chance in hell she isn't out screwing these 3 months.
> He needs to just move on now.
> ...


That's his call, not yours or mine.
I tend to agree that if she leaves, it will go downhill fast.
I actually read and participated in the whole thread, not just read the first and last post, and started shrieking the usual rabble at the end.
He actually had her followed and she did not engage with other men when she had the opportunity. That was verified through a PI as well as by her own account.
She has what has been presented (and verified) as a medical issue that could cause her erratic behavior. It sounds like she needs some serious IC as well, to deal with some mental issues as well that play into this situation.
I've told him throughout (as well as in my last post) that he needs to stay cognizant of his situation. It is now time for him to explore all his legal options as well. At a minimum, he would be best served by a formal separation agreement.
It sounds like, to some degree, that this thing may be turning into a big game of chicken. He needs to stay firm and stay the course. I frankly think that it is at the point where he needs to hit her with a dose of her own medicine. He is starting to take charge and stand up for himself, he will ratchet it up as he becomes enraged by the situation and the dynamics of it.
He will come out fine, either way it plays out. Her on the other hand.......not so much.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

At the risk of a ban I think we have a bridge dweller here.
Things moved very fast........


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> At the risk of a ban I think we have a bridge dweller here.
> Things moved very fast........


Ok, I will plead ignorance...what is a "bridge dweller"?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> At the risk of a ban I think we have a bridge dweller here.
> Things moved very fast........


I've had this same thought.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

hinterdir said:


> Ok, I will plead ignorance...what is a "bridge dweller"?


SO, I am just explaining the term - A troll. I am not sure. I think she is pretty messed up and could easily flip like this.

Also, one comment -- if you separate, she DEFINITELY wants to pursue sex with other men - doesn't matter what she tells YOU -- that's what she wants. Unless you have explicitly talked about that -- and even IF she agrees to that (NOT seeing others) -- you should get your head wrapped around that idea and what that means to you.
There just isn't any other reason why she wouldn't agree to stopping this. She is selfish and wants those ego-kibbles -- they WILL turn into something once she finds one that flips her switches.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trial separations are open season for sex with others because “we were taking a break” (stupid term).

Look at it as divorce lite.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What would she not agree to?


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## Anon76 (Jun 29, 2020)

So last night, things took a strange turn. I decided to try to talk to somebody else, just to put myself out there and see how it would go. My wife was out with friends and it was something to occupy my time. As I’ve stated before, we’re always completely open with each other so when she returned home I told her about it. She got a strange look on her face and Asked for details. It was a fair and honest question as I have always asked her for details, but I, likely the same with her, was a little uncomfortable with it. She then asked for pictures. I admit, I was in the wrong in telling her I didn’t know where to find one. I eventually relented and showed her. It turned into quite a little fight, but before long we were in bed and having sex. This morning we talked about it. She told me she’s not upset about me talking to anybody else, but was upset I was deceitful about the situation because she’s always been completely open and honest with me about hers. She said she’s no longer sure if she wants to take a 3 month separation and thinks it may be best to go straight to divorce. She asked if we could go to the courthouse tomorrow to get the paperwork to look it over and talk about it.

Ny thought process through all of this has been to try and save my marriage. I thought 3 months may have bee enough of a time frame for her to come to her senses. Now im thinking I may have just destroyed any chance of that happening.

What’s more, we’re still hanging out. We hung out all day yesterday.We’re going out to see fireworks this evening. We’re going to dinner tomorrow and have an entire day planned together Tuesday. I’m wondering if I’m just hurting myself more in this situation.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

One of two things is going on here.
Either she is really going out of her way to play you or she is really that unstable.
She wants D paperwork? You can probably get that on line. Print it out. Hell, start filling it out.
You need to make an emergency Attorney appointment for tomorrow. Tell them you don't know if you need assistance regarding getting your wife a forced mental hold or a Divorce or both.
Why were you evasive with her about talking with someone? I thought she said it was all fine with her, since she does it all the time. 
Now you know how she really feels about it. She is jealous as hell. What's good for you is not good for her. Her only standard is either a double one. or else one that is highly flexible to meet her agenda.
On the other hand, don't sweat it. If she was all that tore up over it, she wouldn't have screwed you (besides, I'm sure it was bonding sex because she feels threatened.) Anyway, give her a couple of hours and she might forget about it.
Again, what were the points that she would not agree to which led to this "Separation," even though the two of you don't appear all that separated? If she goes on another tangent, find another trigger and flex on her again. The more you can keep her on defense, the better off you are.
If she does anything that shows any level of danger to herself or you call 911 immediately.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Anon76 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have always felt that we have a rock solid relationship with no real problems. A few months back, my wife started having some bouts of depression. There were days she just got down and didn’t care. Over the past few years, she has also worked very very hard to get into shape. She is in amazing shape now and looks phenomenal. A month or two after she began having her fight with depression, she started posting selfies, and began getting very positive feedback from friends. This, of course, have her a bit of a confidence boost and she started feeling a little better. There were a couple of creeps who would heart react every selfie and post inappropriate comments. I noted how uncomfortable I was with this and she deleted these people saying if it hurts me, it hurts her too. Overtime, she stopped posting selfies in her wall and moved more towards just posting in her Facebook stories. She began receiving multiple messages and friend requests everyday. She was very up front and told me she absolutely loves the attention and has had zero feelings of depression since she’s been getting this attention. I swallowed my pride and didn’t say much because it made her happy, even though it was hurting me. That eventually developed into a craving for social interaction. She was yes to go hang out with friends by herself without me, because she needed time to herself to get away from the family setting and have fun with friends. Which I get, but the main problem is, mostly all of these old friends from high school are men. She saw it was absolutely killing me, and proposed a break so she can have her fun without it hurting me. I explained my feelings and desire to just stay together. She has promised me, which I 100% believe because she is basically incapable of lying, that she has zero desire to have a relationship with anyone else. She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up. It has gotten to the point that she removed mention of our marriage in Facebook and will not wear her wedding ring when she’s out with friends because it may cause her to get less attention. We discuss it almost daily. She desperately hopes it’s just a faze that will eventually die off, but she is unwilling to stop in the mean time for fear of falling back into depression. Again, I do not believe she is cheating whatsoever. I do perhaps fear overtime she will develop a connection with somebody else, but I know she has no desire to sleep with them. She just craves their attention. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong for agreeing to allow this behavior for her happiness? Am I wrong for wanting her to acknowledge our marriage on Facebook? Are my feelings misplaced? She agrees that her actions are selfish and hurtful, but she doesn’t want to stop because it makes her feel so good and she’s afraid of falling into depression again. Are these normal feelings she’s feeling? Please help!!!


I wish you could really hear how you sound. You are married to a narcissist that is pulling this childish **** because she can. You’re desperately hoping someone here will tell you this is some phase so you can further justify this highly inappropriate behavior. “Phases” don’t work that way. People love to blame the midlife crisis for abhorrent behavior that allows them to get away with atrocious behavior. Your wife is not only cheating but she’s so narcissistic and arrogant that she’s actually openly flaunting it in front of you. If my husband were cheating on me (and yes, she IS cheating on you) I wouldn’t give a **** what his reasons were, the marriage would be over. It is not your responsibility to allow yourself to be hurt because of whatever ******** she claims to be going through. Wake up dude. Your marriage is already over.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> So last night, things took a strange turn. I decided to try to talk to somebody else, just to put myself out there and see how it would go. My wife was out with friends and it was something to occupy my time. As I’ve stated before, we’re always completely open with each other so when she returned home I told her about it. She got a strange look on her face and Asked for details. It was a fair and honest question as I have always asked her for details, but I, likely the same with her, was a little uncomfortable with it. She then asked for pictures. I admit, I was in the wrong in telling her I didn’t know where to find one. I eventually relented and showed her. It turned into quite a little fight, but before long we were in bed and having sex. This morning we talked about it. She told me she’s not upset about me talking to anybody else, but was upset I was deceitful about the situation because she’s always been completely open and honest with me about hers. She said she’s no longer sure if she wants to take a 3 month separation and thinks it may be best to go straight to divorce. She asked if we could go to the courthouse tomorrow to get the paperwork to look it over and talk about it.
> 
> Ny thought process through all of this has been to try and save my marriage. I thought 3 months may have bee enough of a time frame for her to come to her senses. Now im thinking I may have just destroyed any chance of that happening.
> 
> What’s more, we’re still hanging out. We hung out all day yesterday.We’re going out to see fireworks this evening. We’re going to dinner tomorrow and have an entire day planned together Tuesday. I’m wondering if I’m just hurting myself more in this situation.


So, YOU didn't detroy anything. She wants to divorce you -- that seems pretty clear. She wants to be able to go out and get all these guys hot and bothered and pick whoever it is she wants to have sex with. She does NOT value your marriage, does NOT value your friendship, and does NOT respect YOU or the marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anon76 said:


> She said there is absolutely zero she would change about *me as a husband and father*. She just needs some space to figure things out for herself. She said while she loves me and the kids with everything she has, she doesn’t think she loves herself. And that is something that she needs to find.


Well, this says it all.

She claims-

"There is nothing wrong with you".
............................

Yet, she leaves out these notions-

"There are things that are not right with you". 

Mainly-

"You do not inspire confidence in me, you do not make me feel sexy and desired".

1) She claims you are a good husband and father, *but omits the notion that you are a satisfactory lover, and a rewarding romantic interest.

2) She does not love herself because she knows she is heading downhill, and feels that she is no longer in charge of her fate.
Your wife is letting you down slowly, or so, she thinks.*

She knows she has it good, yet needs more time to prove this to herself?
This tells me she is hoping she will 'snap out' of this wayward thinking.....before it is too late.

.........................

She is depressed and acts accordingly.
This is classic mid-life questioning.

It is now a crisis in the making.


The little woman in her head wants her to remove her wedding rings and to get free.

You already lost her. 
She is hoping to find herself.


Oh, I suspect her GNO lady friends are toxic to your marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> Ok, I will plead ignorance...what is a "bridge dweller"?


An 'under bridge' dweller, is more accurate.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When dynamite gets old.... it sweats.
It sweats out nitroglycerine, and becomes very unstable.

It does this near _the end of its life_, not at mid-life.

Handle this woman with care.

She is blooming, opening her flower for all the see and touch.

From bloom to Boom.
Methinks.

@Uptown


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> So, YOU didn't detroy anything. She wants to divorce you -- that seems pretty clear. She wants to be able to go out and get all these guys hot and bothered and pick whoever it is she wants to have sex with. She does NOT value your marriage, does NOT value your friendship, and does NOT respect YOU or the marriage.


You might be incorrect about her not valuing his friendship. The hanging out thing... *after* telling him they should go straight to the divorce... she might be testing him to see if she can have all the benefits she actually needs (the friendship) while having sex with others. Agreed that she has no respect for anything else, but at some level she may believe her (hopefully?) STBX keeps her grounded, or at least reminds her of where the ground is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anon76 said:


> She just has developed a craving for this attention that she cannot give up.


Sex is concentrated attention and the most intense and condensed form of attention and acceptance and validation is sex. 

Someone with an obsessive/compulsive craving for attention and validation etc will almost always end up getting it through sexuality.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are being played the fool. 

She simply wants to be single and party and date and screw whoever whenever and however she wants and she wants you to go along with it and accept it without a fuss - and you are doing it. She played it perfectly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> You might be incorrect about her not valuing his friendship. The hanging out thing... *after* telling him they should go straight to the divorce... she might be testing him to see if she can have all the benefits she actually needs (the friendship) while having sex with others. Agreed that she has no respect for anything else, but at some level she may believe her (hopefully?) STBX keeps her grounded, or at least reminds her of where the ground is.


I think her hanging around is to keep her Plan B where he is so she has a soft landing if things don't work out. I don't think she really values the friendship of her husband. If she was interested in being grounded, she wouldn't be completely blowing off his concerns and his hurt on all of this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

What color is the sky in your world?


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