# How on earth does someone find the courage to leave?



## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

I have tried everything. 

Counselling. Telling myself I’m cheating the both of us out of a true relationship. Reminding myself that we only have one life. The works. No matter what I do I just cannot find the courage to end it and I find myself “going with the flow” just because it’s easier that way. Easier than selling our house. Easier than having the awful break up conversation.

The story so far…

We’ve been together for 12 years. Never married. I was the one who didn’t want to get married (to anyone, not just him).

I was 21 and he was 38 when we met. Now I’m 33 and he’s 50. I’m a completely different person to the one I was when we met and even though we still have fun together and get on well, it just doesn’t feel like it’s right for me anymore. He’s incredibly lazy and I’m active. He eats terribly and I eat healthy. Believe me, I have tried and tried and tried to be a good influence about this without being a nag, but he always goes back to his lazy ways. Just last night he told me he didn’t eat a hard boiled egg I prepared and left for him but instead had a cheese and BBQ sauce sandwich because he was “ too lazy” to peel the egg. This is a 50 year old man, one who I have never seen cook himself a meal but instead eat a bag of crisps for dinner. 

Every day I dream of a life completely different to the one I currently have. I love him but I just can’t do it anymore. I have no idea how to explain how I’m feeling to him. “This just isn’t right for me anymore” seems too vague, but listing his faults seems too blaming. 

Please help. I know I need to end it for both of our sakes, but by God I just can’t do it. :crying:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you want to be in this same situation when you are 43 and he is 60?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Do you want to be in this same situation when you are 43 and he is 60?


Of course not. Trust me, I’ve tried this way of thinking many times.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I left my ex. If you truly wanted out you'd be out, so some small part of you isn't ready. 

The goal should be to figure out why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I suspect from some of your word choices that you are in the UK, but that doesn't affect my recommendation.

The good news is that you aren't married, so you won't have to get a divorce.

If you need more counseling to help you get up the courage to leave him, then do that. Because you won't live forever, and it's very unlikely that this will change for the better.

But whatever you need to do to leave, do that. You'll be glad when it's over.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I left my ex. If you truly wanted out you'd be out, so some small part of you isn't ready.
> 
> The goal should be to figure out why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I’ve always relied on other people for my happiness and always been taught to “go with the flow” and just “suck it up”.

My mother was abused physically and mentally by my father and she just dealt with it. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my paralysing fear of not being able to leave. He is not abusive towards me in any way.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Akesha said:


> I have tried everything.
> 
> Counselling. Telling myself I’m cheating the both of us out of a true relationship. Reminding myself that we only have one life. The works. No matter what I do I just cannot find the courage to end it and I find myself “going with the flow” just because it’s easier that way. Easier than selling our house. Easier than having the awful break up conversation.
> 
> ...


Value yourself. Respect yourself. Saying the truth is not placing blame. It is just the truth. Say "2+2=4". Now say "this just isn't right"
Say them in the same unwavering manner. If he receives it as blame, then let him. That is his responsibility to accept the truth. You are only informing him, something that is very important in any relationship.

Say the truth. Accept his response, but realize that it doesn't change the your truth.

Be strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Value yourself. Respect yourself. Saying the truth is not placing blame. It is just the truth. Say "2+2=4". Now say "this just isn't right"
> Say them in the same unwavering manner. If he receives it as blame, then let him. That is his responsibility to accept the truth. You are only informing him, something that is very important in any relationship.
> 
> Say the truth. Accept his response, but realize that it doesn't change the your truth.
> ...


This is a really good post, RT.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

jld said:


> This is a really good post, RT.


Yes, it absolutely is. Thank you. 

Has anyone else ever had to break up with someone they still care for deeply?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It will only get worse as you both get older. As he heads into old age and health issues will pile up because of his habits. You face decades of care-taking as he heads into old age. It would be kinder to let him go. He will have time to find someone closer to his age who may be ready to take care of him. I don't think you will be able to stick it out with him when he becomes more dependent.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I think you realize you are not pulling the cart in the same direction anymore. Sure you love him, but there is nothing in common anymore.No dreams you two are chasing anymore. 

I believe dreams are what gives a person the will to wake up everyday. Mutual dreams are the glue that hold a couple together. 
You dream of a different life everyday because he is pulling the cart on one direction and you are pulling another. 

You break up with him by telling him that you love him. Probably always will, but you are no longer on the same path. You have other things you need and want to do and share it with new people. Its quite simple... I am sure he will hurt, but you can make it clear that its not for lack of love for him, but love for yourself and what you were together. But that its time to move on. 

Good luck.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

What is your fear? Are you self-supporting or have you allowed yourself to become dependent on him?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

sapientia said:


> What is your fear? Are you self-supporting or have you allowed yourself to become dependent on him?


I'm self supporting. My main issue is that I feel he does not deserve it. He loves me so much and he's going to be so hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha said:


> I'm self supporting. My main issue is that I feel he does not deserve it. He loves me so much and he's going to be so hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember what Catherine said, that a woman closer to his age will come into his life? I think this is true.

Akesha, you know it is best to move on. It will free both of you to be with more compatible partners. You will be doing both of you a favor.


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## jacangs (Feb 22, 2016)

I feel I can relate to your situation. I'm in the same place right now. (just started a thread myself for help). But I get it, age isn't a factor to me. But I am 33 as well. Very active, I work out/run daily, run half marathons, eat right, and live to enjoy life. My husband is like your other half. Lazy. but lazy like he doesn't work out bc he doesn't have to. I've tried for 3+ years to get him to support me and participate in my lifestyle, he just doesn't want it. My situation is a little deeper, I tried leaving him about a year ago (he is verbally abusive as well), but after he begged me to stay, a week after my decision, I felt too horrible to do it. I couldn't hurt him. But that, in itself, is not a reason to stay with anyone. Here i am a year later, going through it all over again. He thinks everything is fine bc he's oblivious. Even when I tell him what is wrong. Here's what I think, and its soo much easier said than done, hence why i'm still married, but you only live one life. You have to make the most of it. You deserve to be happy, loved, appreciated and you definitely deserve to have a significant other that treats you the way you treat them. You should be able to enjoy life together with your other half. When that isn't happening, then something needs to change. If you are not happy, you can't feel bad. You are what's most important in the end. Just remind yourself that. I'm not sure if any of this helps, but wanted to let you know I completely understand what you are going through. We are too young to be unhappy the rest of our lives. hang in there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That feeling, that worry that you have to put his needs ahead of yours, that you can't hurt someone else, is a self esteem issue. Yours. In your therapy, did you discuss your self worth?


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

I totally relate to this and am in a very similar situation. This is so hard. Man! I get it.

The way I see it... at some point, something will happen that will set this choice in stone. One day, he'll say something.. or you'll do something and somehow, in your gut, it won't be a hard decision anymore; it'll just be the only thing to do. Until than... wait for it.

I always wondered how I would leave my husband (still haven't) but I did for a weekend... and that was a big deal for me. That was the first time I felt I had put my foot down and shown him that I had had enough. I was struggling so much with it... and suddenly, one day, he threw his phone at me in just a way that... I just made the arrangements to leave for the weekend.. I didn't even think about it. I just did it.

When the day/time comes for you to leave... I think you'll leave. You'll just do it.. without thinking too hard about it.

Trust yourself. Deep down, you know HOW and WHEN to save yourself.

x


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've never left, though I've wanted to many times. I've never even gone to sleep in another room - too afraid of the fight. If I had any self esteem, I'd allow myself to be mad, or indignant, or want better for myself.

Work on that self worth.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Look at it this way, at least you didn't get married and don't have a bunch of complications getting in the way of leaving him. When there is that much of an age difference as there was your relationship, one of you is bound to change more than the other. Is there any reason why you didn't get married? Was is because you thought that splitting up was something you thought may happen?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to respond. 



jacangs said:


> I feel I can relate to your situation. I'm in the same place right now. (just started a thread myself for help). But I get it, age isn't a factor to me. But I am 33 as well. Very active, I work out/run daily, run half marathons, eat right, and live to enjoy life. My husband is like your other half. Lazy. but lazy like he doesn't work out bc he doesn't have to. I've tried for 3+ years to get him to support me and participate in my lifestyle, he just doesn't want it. My situation is a little deeper, I tried leaving him about a year ago (he is verbally abusive as well), but after he begged me to stay, a week after my decision, I felt too horrible to do it. I couldn't hurt him. But that, in itself, is not a reason to stay with anyone. Here i am a year later, going through it all over again. He thinks everything is fine bc he's oblivious. Even when I tell him what is wrong. Here's what I think, and its soo much easier said than done, hence why i'm still married, but you only live one life. You have to make the most of it. You deserve to be happy, loved, appreciated and you definitely deserve to have a significant other that treats you the way you treat them. You should be able to enjoy life together with your other half. When that isn't happening, then something needs to change. If you are not happy, you can't feel bad. You are what's most important in the end. Just remind yourself that. I'm not sure if any of this helps, but wanted to let you know I completely understand what you are going through. We are too young to be unhappy the rest of our lives. hang in there.


I tried leaving him once too, in 2014. He sells things on eBay as a side hobby and he spends way too much time doing it. I was feeling incredibly lonely and I said to myself if we come home one more day and he just hops straight on that computer, I’m out. And I packed a bag and left. I was back the next day though, feeling guilty. I told him things had to change but clearly, they haven’t. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope you find the strength one day. It is always nice to know you’re not alone. I feel so awful for wanting to leave a man who has done nothing wrong, but I guess things don’t always have to be wrong to still not be right. At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of…



turnera said:


> I've never left, though I've wanted to many times. I've never even gone to sleep in another room - too afraid of the fight. If I had any self esteem, I'd allow myself to be mad, or indignant, or want better for myself.
> 
> Work on that self worth.


This is EXACTLY what I’m like. I’d rather just pretend everything’s fine than fight. I can’t stand the discomfort and tension.



jb02157 said:


> Look at it this way, at least you didn't get married and don't have a bunch of complications getting in the way of leaving him. When there is that much of an age difference as there was your relationship, one of you is bound to change more than the other. Is there any reason why you didn't get married? Was is because you thought that splitting up was something you thought may happen?


Deep down, yes. I have never thought “I want to be with this man forever”, even in the early days. That and I have never really been a huge marriage fan.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Therapy.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Therapy.


Tried it for a year.

My therapist even asked me if there was some way I could get him to break up with me because I was/am so paralysed and unable to take that step.

I have always put people before myself way too much, and I can't seem to break that habit. My mother is exactly the same. I will suffer silently as long as everyone else is happy. I will live an entire life I don't want to. I don't know how to put myself first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good grief. Than get a different therapist.

Find one who specializes in self esteem. Or else CBT, which is probably the only way you'll ever break through that self-protective barrier that keeps you from being real.

Your low self esteem is what you learned from your childhood. It's what's HARDWIRED into your brain (read the book Emotional Alchemy). If you want to be a different person, you have to WORK YOUR ASS OFF to change your brain's hardwiring.

It's hard work!

It take consistent, long-term HOMEWORK from your therapist to get you to replace the one FOO standby's with new, HEALTHY responses.

And you'll never be able to do that on your own.

Find a new therapist.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Good grief. Than get a different therapist.
> 
> Find one who specializes in self esteem. Or else CBT, which is probably the only way you'll ever break through that self-protective barrier that keeps you from being real.
> 
> ...


I just don’t understand. I have obviously been in previous relationships (one where we lived together) and I was able to break them off just fine. I don’t want to see a therapist. I want to end it now. I have wasted enough time and I want to get on with my life.

I am not getting mad with you, every day just feels so wasted and waking up is a struggle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hon, this has nothing to do with him. You see that, right?

This is all on your shoulders.

So who's gonna fix that?

Only you.

Therapists are just people. Some just wanna talk. Some want you to get off your lazy ass and CHANGE something. Some are in between. 

Find one who will hold your feet to the fire. You obviously have nobody ELSE in your life who is doing what loving people do - expect great things from you. So hire a therapist to do it.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Hon, this has nothing to do with him. You see that, right?
> 
> This is all on your shoulders.
> 
> ...


My best friend has been a wonderful influence on me. She has listened to me talk for YEARS about how I want to break it off, and always told me that I am strong enough, brave enough and ready enough. She’s never become impatient or pushed me, asking when I’m going to do it. She’s offered me everything including a place to stay.

I know what you're saying though and thank you. How did you get/are you getting through it?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Akesha said:


> I'm self supporting. My main issue is that I feel he does not deserve it. He loves me so much and he's going to be so hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Breakups hurt. Staying in a relationship much longer than you should and then breaking up hurts even more.

There is no avoiding hurt. Only minimizing hurt and maximizing respect.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Breakups hurt. Staying in a relationship much longer than you should and then breaking up hurts even more.
> 
> There is no avoiding hurt. Only minimizing hurt and maximizing respect.


You're so right. Thanks for your response. 

I wish we hadn’t bought that damn house together.

My gut was telling me I wasn’t ready and I even expressed it to him, but he became shattered when I told him so I convinced myself it was just nerves. 

The age difference plays such a big part. When we were renting he would often say “Everyone MY AGE owns their own home”. As a young woman in my 20’s and early 30’s that wasn’t something that bothered me too much - owning a home has never been a dream of mine - but it clearly bothered him. I just feel so trapped.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> what loving people do - expect great things from you.


I love these kinds of posts by Turnera. :grin2:


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Akesha said:


> You're so right. Thanks for your response.
> 
> I wish we hadn’t bought that damn house together.
> 
> ...


Sell the house or buy him out. Or whatever. Lots of divorcing couples sort out communal property. You can too.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Sell the house or buy him out. Or whatever. Lots of divorcing couples sort out communal property. You can too.


Oh yes, absolutely. It’s just one more painful hurdle to overcome though and it bugs me that I didn’t listen to my gut at the time.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

sapientia said:


> I love these kinds of posts by Turnera. :grin2:


Yes thank you, Turnera. You've been wonderful. As has everyone here. You don't have to take the time to respond to this but you do and it's very appreciated.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You come to a point to where you had enough and then you pack up and leave.

It is hard, but once you have reached your point it feels easier. Think about what you want your future to be and focus on that, that will help you find the courage to leave when you know that you can't have what you want being where you are.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

I forgot to mention that my family is also very… well I wouldn’t say unsupportive, but they are very safe. They are very routine and happy to go with the flow. They don’t do drama, upset or "boat rocking". I remember my Mum always telling us to "keep the peace", i.e. shut our mouths.

The last time I went to my sister when I wanted to leave him, instead of saying things like “I’m here for you no matter what” she would say things like “I hope you know what you’re doing”.

My Dad is a weed-smoking scientologist who adores my boyfriend and would call me “stupid” if I broke it off.

My Mum has awful depression so I don’t think she’d care much about anything.

But, that makes it hard…

That’s why I mentioned by best friend and how wonderful she’s been. I’m not sure what I’d do if I didn’t have her.

I have been to many forums over the years and I have to say you guys are just so so appreciated and wonderful. It seems like a real community here.  Some people can be terrible…


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Akesha said:


> Oh yes, absolutely. It’s just one more painful hurdle to overcome though and it bugs me that I didn’t listen to my gut at the time.


It's like when you procrastinate on anything. You'll feel better once you do what's needful.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Lostme said:


> You come to a point to where you had enough and then you pack up and leave.
> 
> It is hard, but once you have reached your point it feels easier. Think about what you want your future to be and focus on that, that will help you find the courage to leave when you know that you can't have what you want being where you are.


That's the thing though.... there is no "had enough". It's more a case of "We are on different paths and I just know in my heart this isn't right anymore". I wish I hated him and had had enough, that would make it so much easier.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> It will only get worse as you both get older. As he heads into old age and health issues will pile up because of his habits. You face decades of care-taking as he heads into old age. It would be kinder to let him go. He will have time to find someone closer to his age who may be ready to take care of him. I don't think you will be able to stick it out with him when he becomes more dependent.


This is so true. I *tried* to break up with my H before marrying him but I was like the OP and I just could not do it because he was able to "talk me out of my reasons" but the reality was -- we got along well but it just didn't feel RIGHT for me. Now we are married. I do love him and get along well with him but I believe I could be much happier and more fulfilled with someone else. I feel like my life is a sacrifice to him.

But now he has health issue and no income and is 50. I took a vow - for better or worse - if I did leave him? I seriously don't know what would become of him. And he is really trying to make things better. I am not unhappy on a daily basis. But any time I think about it I really wish I had not married him.

My point to the OP is that it will not get easier or better. You are not married. You remained unmarried to keep your options open. Exercise them. I would see a therapist who can help you gain the strength and clarity to do it. Or, I think there are some good books on how to do it.

I would also go with vague in that if you say:
"You eat crap" he'll vow to start eating better.
if you say "You are lazy" he'll vow to be more active.

But those are not the real problem. The real problem is you are just operating on two different levels and the relationship is not fulfilling.

Things like "I am just not happy." or "I can't explain it but I feel I need to be alone" etc. those are vague and somewhat meaningless, but people cannot argue them.

Or, if there is something he has done or not done that goes against your values, you could say something like:

I am very sorry, but while I love you very much, this has changed the way I feel about you. I need to be in a relationship with a man who is not willing to _______." (In my case that might have been borrow money from me to pay his rent or try to have a relationship with at least some of my family or friends." If he says "I can change, I can do better" the comeback is "I'm sorry, but the damage is done. I have a clear idea of what a man is and I just do not see you as a romantic love interest anymore." (OK, that was harsh, reword that, but make it something he cannot talk you out of.) 

And I would have my exit strategy ready - a place to move to, money saved, etc.

Just remember, couples do separate. People divorce. People die. It's very painful, but life goes on and the sooner you do it, the sooner it's over and the sooner you can both begin to recover.

You could also ask for a trial separation. Maybe you will find you do want to stay with him.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I would also go with vague in that if you say:
> "You eat crap" he'll vow to start eating better.
> if you say "You are lazy" he'll vow to be more active.
> 
> ...


It’s funny, I was just thinking about him vowing to change. But you’re right, it’s not any ONE THING or things that is causing me to feel this way. I was a kid who’d been out of high school for 3 years when we met. He was approaching 40. Of course I was going to change.

Whenever I “rehearse” my speech (sad I know), all the clichés come out… we are on different paths, we want different things, this just isn’t right in my heart anymore etc etc. But those are my reasons. You can try and squeeze a square peg into a round hole as much as you want but no matter what you try to change it still just doesn’t fit.


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## Tall (Feb 19, 2014)

I have also, like you, concluded that I have no future with my girlfriend. And like you, I keep putting off what I need to do. 

In the end, it's not a speech that we need to rehearse. It's a simple "I don't think this relationship is working out, and I want to end it". That's it. And then there may be questions and conversations to follow, but nothing changes the premise: It's over. 

But it hurts, to end something that isn't bad. It just isn't... good enough.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Akesha said:


> I was a kid who’d been out of high school for 3 years when we met. He was approaching 40. Of course I was going to change.


I overlooked how young you were when this started in the first post.

When I was 16 I got sexually involved with a man in his early 30s. He was my father's business partner and our roommate. It was a secret of course (my father didn't know). 

I would not call him a predator because I was definitely hot for him and pursued things with him. However, I will say that consequences of that relationship Effed me up in many ways.

And now that I am older and wiser, I know without a doubt that any man in his 30's, almost 40, has been around long enough to know that he has no business with a 21 year old and that a 21 year old girl cannot wrap her adoring, idolizing, infatuated, flattered mind around the consequences of a life with a man so much older.

I'm sure it was all very beautiful and special, and he found you very mature for your age when this started. And maybe now you feel obligated to show that you're not superficial and didn't change on him as he aged and you came into your own -- but if there was that big an age difference, and you were that young, he had to know this day would likely come sooner or later.

I also believe that one reason a man in his 40's likes a girl in her 20's is because she's too inexperienced and insecure to call him on his sh*t. Sh*t like what in the hell are you doing seducing a 20 year old? 

You know, when you're young and romantic with stars in your eyes you think it's because it's true love and there really is something just that special and unique about you. But as you grow up you realize -- maybe you were more gullible than special...

I don't mean to start bagging on him -- I don't know him. But I am hyper sensitive to the older man/younger woman thing due to my own experience which I thought was great fun at the time but now feel absolutely ill when I think about it.

Also, what about children - do you have them and if not do you want them? If he's too lazy to peel an egg, what kind of father would he be? You still have time, but the clock is ticking.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> When I was 16 I got sexually involved with a man in his early 30s. He was my father's business partner and our roommate. It was a secret of course (my father didn't know).
> 
> I would not call him a predator because I was definitely hot for him and pursued things with him. However, I will say that consequences of that relationship Effed me up in many ways.
> 
> ...


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

It hurts to walk away from someone you love/loved and shared dreams with. But one day you will say enough is enough and leave. And when you do, don't look back. Don't think about his feelings, just go. It has taken me 8 months to completely let go. But you know what? The 8 month emotional roller coaster was worth the rest of my life being happy. 

You can do it. You just need to find the courage within you to put your feelings first and not his. So you have a house together. Sell it, and move on. 

Wishing you the best....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Akesha said:


> My best friend has been a wonderful influence on me. She has listened to me talk for YEARS about how I want to break it off, and always told me that I am strong enough, brave enough and ready enough. She’s never become impatient or pushed me, asking when I’m going to do it. She’s offered me everything including a place to stay.
> 
> I know what you're saying though and thank you. How did you get/are you getting through it?


Doesn't sound like she's been much of an influence, if all she does is listen and tell you you're strong (which you clearly aren't).

She's been an AWESOME enabler, though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Akesha said:


> That's the thing though.... there is no "had enough". It's more a case of "We are on different paths and I just know in my heart this isn't right anymore". I wish I hated him and had had enough, that would make it so much easier.


Then it would help you to clarify WHAT you need. In hard, concrete terms. Take some time to work this out. What would a day/week/month/year look like in the world you WISH you had?

Be very specific. Come up with concrete things you'd need your partner - ANY partner - to do, for you to feel loved and supported, and for you to be 'in love.' Now remember that the lust feeling you get when you're first dating someone, the first few years, that 'he's amazing and can do no wrong' feeling - that is FALSE and NOT real and NOT sustainable. That is PEA chemicals in your body, the same chemicals cavemen and cavewomen felt for each other, the 'high' of 'love' that they felt that kept them together long enough that they could spit out a couple babies and keep the species going.

It doesn't last. It's usually gone from your body within 2 to 5 years after meeting someone; your body stops producing it. So don't be writing down that you need that 'high' from someone; that's just lust.

But make that list, and then sit down with your friend first (ask her if it's a good, healthy, logical list) and then sit down with your H, and explain to him what your 'partner' would have to look like for you to want to stay in a marriage. Give him a chance to BE that person - or not.

And if he chooses not to, then you'll have your 'out' and you can leave with no regrets. If, however, he then chooses to try, you owe it to him for at least a while to see if him changing changes your feelings.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Akesha said:


> Yes, it absolutely is. Thank you.
> 
> 
> 
> Has anyone else ever had to break up with someone they still care for deeply?



Yes I have and it's hard.., I had to divorce my first husband as he is an alcoholic and after he caused a wreck nearly killing 2 teens, I was done. Even after that I stuck with it for another year but one night the final straw just snapped and it happened. Well back story a bit- after his wreck, I moved into my own place 2 mos later as I was "done". Well he moved in with me and final straw was me waking up in the middle of the night him drinking and partying with friends. I kicked him out right then and there and a month later started divorce proceedings. 
I think it helped that I already had my own place. But it still took 2-3 mos to just get the nerve to get my own apt. 
He's a really nice guy, great dad and my family loves him still. It was hard to leave him but I kept telling myself in my head over and over that I was doing this for HIM. Simply bc I knew I wasn't in love with him like that anymore and all I was doing was holding him back at finding someone who did want to be with him. He actually found someone a month later and is still with her so I guess it worked out ok. 
I still care for him deeply and will always wish him the best and hope he's happy and it's been 13 years since we split. 



Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> And now that I am older and wiser, I know without a doubt that any man in his 30's, almost 40, has been around long enough to know that he has no business with a 21 year old and that a 21 year old girl cannot wrap her adoring, idolizing, infatuated, flattered mind around the consequences of a life with a man so much older.


I was that adoring, idolizing, infatuated, flattered girl. I couldn’t wait to tell people that this amazing, intelligent older man wanted to be with me – ME! 

But as you know, as time goes on, things start to change. While my friends are all out enjoying themselves, I’m an e.g. 25 year old at home with a 42 year old who is “over” going out. 

See, when we first met he was very youthful. He would stay out later than me and was always the life of the party. Then he decided he was done with it. I have had to learn to love my own company so much because I do so much on my own. We have no friends and never get invited anywhere anymore because our answer is always no. Oh I always want to go, but he doesn’t. It’s always too far, too late or too much of a hassle. He always says "You can go if you want!" but that's beside the point. I want a partner who wants to do these things with me. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely.



WorkingWife said:


> You know, when you're young and romantic with stars in your eyes you think it's because it's true love and there really is something just that special and unique about you. But as you grow up you realize -- maybe you were more gullible than special...
> 
> I don't mean to start bagging on him -- I don't know him. But I am hyper sensitive to the older man/younger woman thing due to my own experience which I thought was great fun at the time but now feel absolutely ill when I think about it.


No, I totally get what you mean.  To be honest, some days I feel ill that I ever got involved with him. I find myself reminiscing about my life pre-him. About how happy and carefree I was. About how I went out and actually DID things that went beyond spending my weekends at shopping centres with him, shopping for toy cars for him to sell online.



WorkingWife said:


> Also, what about children - do you have them and if not do you want them?


No and no. I’ve known since I was 12 that parenthood isn’t for me.



turnera said:


> Then it would help you to clarify WHAT you need. In hard, concrete terms. Take some time to work this out. What would a day/week/month/year look like in the world you WISH you had?


Honestly, I don’t want anything from anyone right now. Thinking about the qualities of my perfect partner are hard because I just want to be alone.

If I had to name a few things… he’s incredibly judgmental. We can’t walk anywhere without him criticising strangers like a gossipy teenage girl. Their hair, their clothing, their tattoos. I don’t want someone like that. He’s closed minded. He’s selfish; if I ask him to join me for dinner after work one night he won’t take the trip, complaining about how exhausted he is, but if one of his friends calls him and tells him there is a toy car sale on beginning at midnight, he’ll stay up all night on a weeknight and go. Basically someone opposite to this!

In terms of how my perfect life would look.. all I want to do is travel. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Where would you like to travel to? Would you like to live abroad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

jld said:


> Where would you like to travel to? Would you like to live abroad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I would love that. Even if only for a month or so, doing something like working behind a bar, cleaning hotel rooms, geez, just about anything. 

New York is my favourite place in the world (I live in Australia) and I’d like to take an annual trip there, and perhaps go somewhere different in the world every year, even if only for a week.

I am under no illusions. I don’t plan on quitting my job, going off to live in a hippy commune and travelling the world selling paintings out of a tent, but taking a trip once every 5 years “when we can afford it” isn’t good enough for me.

In the words of Liz in _Eat, Pray, Love_: "Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland." 

I am living HIS life. I don’t care about having a car. I don’t care about having season tickets to see our favourite football team play. I don’t care about having pay tv. I don't care about having a computer. These are all things I contribute thousands of dollars to each year, none of which I want. Give me a warm bed and a sturdy roof and I'm happy. I find myself heading down the same path as my mum, going along with things just to avoid the fight. 

He keeps telling me “That’s just life”. No, that’s just OUR life. Everything we have is a CHOICE, not a necessity. Yes even the car. We live in the city and can get public transport anywhere, the beach is 5 minutes away as are the cinemas and cafes.

I'd be more than happy to going back to paying cheap rent and spending my money travelling the world. Call me immature and irresponsible but that's how I feel. 

Wow, why can I say this stuff with so much courage to you guys but not to him haha.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You need to leave him, hon. How can we help you do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

jld said:


> You need to leave him, hon. How can we help you do that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You’ve all been so wonderful and helpful, you’ve done more than enough.  

It’s up to me to grow a backbone and put myself first.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Akesha said:


> I wish I hated him and had had enough, that would make it so much easier.


So you are going to wait until you hate him, or he hates you?

There is a saying for breakups I wish more people followed: 

End it when you know its dead but before it's ground to dust.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I've read your other posts. You have some growing and living still to do. Not uncommon at your age. He seems comfortable in his life. No judgement; you two are incompatible.

Many people stay for the comfort. It is possible to find satisfaction within a loving relationship, even with such differences, provided there is fundamental respect. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

Leaving him may be one of the most grown up things you do. Provided you do it for the right reasons, knowing your own mind. 

I wish you well in your journey.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Akesha said:


> If I had to name a few things… he’s incredibly judgmental. We can’t walk anywhere without him criticising strangers like a gossipy teenage girl. Their hair, their clothing, their tattoos. I don’t want someone like that. He’s closed minded. He’s selfish; if I ask him to join me for dinner after work one night he won’t take the trip, complaining about how exhausted he is, but if one of his friends calls him and tells him there is a toy car sale on beginning at midnight, he’ll stay up all night on a weeknight and go. Basically someone opposite to this!


Some of this reminds me of my current H. SO judgmental. It used to be kind of fun, like a little game of pretending to be superior to others, but it gets old. I just want to relax and enjoy life and each other, not constantly be processing negativity and noticing how I seem to be "such a burden" if I want the smallest thing of him, but I am constantly doing things for him.

In my case we're married and since I discovered places like this forum and marriage builders I have gained perspective and started standing up for what I want and letting him know I'm not happy and he's really changed in some ways - the impatience when the slightest thing went wrong is gone, and the disrespectful judgments which used to be 95% of what came out of his mouth directed at me are almost gone - maybe 5% now and he catches himself.

So they can change and improve. However, if I was not married to him I would have left to find someone who is just naturally more in synch with me. 

You say your guy is "selfish" and then you list some things he won't do. My guy, by nature, is too. He can be very giving and generous at times, but his default response to me and the world is "No" and "don't bother me." So now he's trying to make things better, and I appreciate it and I am much happier, but I am also painfully aware that he's having to fight his own nature to do it.

But how much lighter and easier would my life be if I had waited to find someone who just naturally wanted to help other people, who was just naturally generous and giving, who wanted to try new things with me, liked people enough that he wanted to meet my friends and family, found people who was different than him (different opinions, ideas, tattoos, etc.) interesting instead of deserving of his scorn and judgment.

Regarding him telling you "you can go with out me" when you break up with him you can explain:

"I do not want to go out with friends without you, that does not solve my problem. My problem is that I want to be in a relationship with someone who truly desires to do those things with me."

My husband won't go with me to visit family and won't even really meet my friends. I've started just going without him and he thinks he's doing some great favor by not complaining too much when I leave. I still have a nice time seeing them, but I feel very sad and let down that he has not even tried to like or know my family. If I made an ultimatum, he would go with me, in a heartbeat - but that would not do any good because it would be with him under duress just waiting for the visit to end. I'm left with two choices - go without him and be aware of the fact that he doesn't want to come, again - and usually get an earful about why I should leave him from family - or make him come and have him ruin the trip by being a stick in the mud the whole time and cutting time spent with family as short as possible.

He is not wrong for not wanting to hang out with my family, it's just the way he is. But if I was starting over with what I know now, I would have held out to find someone more family oriented. Hope that makes sense.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Some of this reminds me of my current H. SO judgmental. It used to be kind of fun, like a little game of pretending to be superior to others, but it gets old. I just want to relax and enjoy life and each other, not constantly be processing negativity and noticing how I seem to be "such a burden" if I want the smallest thing of him, but I am constantly doing things for him.


Yes! It used to be fun for me too. We’d sit in a park and try and spot the worst dressed person and silly things like that, but it got old quickly. He also makes me feel like a burden, especially when I try to talk to him when he is doing his online selling. Just the other day he said to me, when I asked him where he’d like me to leave a towel for washing (he handles all the washing at home) “I feel like I should be saying to you ‘Daddy’s working, honey’”. It was super condescending and really hurt my feelings, and it bugged me that he got mad and told me he was “in the middle of something important” when that something important was arguing with someone on a military forum.



WorkingWife said:


> found people who was different than him (different opinions, ideas, tattoos, etc.) interesting instead of deserving of his scorn and judgment.


I got my very own tattoo recently, a small love heart behind my ear and he made me feel absolutely disgusting for doing so, saying he hates tattoos on women and asking me if it was the only one I was going to get. While he is entitled to his opinion, say it once and leave it at that, don’t grill me with questions and make me feel like garbage.

Thank you so much for sharing with me, *WorkingWife*.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Akesha said:


> In the words of Liz in _Eat, Pray, Love_: "Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland."
> 
> I am living HIS life. I don’t care about having a car. I don’t care about having season tickets to see our favourite football team play. I don’t care about having pay tv. I don't care about having a computer. These are all things I contribute thousands of dollars to each year, none of which I want. Give me a warm bed and a sturdy roof and I'm happy. I find myself heading down the same path as my mum, going along with things just to avoid the fight.
> 
> ...


OMG that sounds so familiar. It dawned on me recently that I am fighting (as in working and sacrificing) for a life _*I don't even want*_! I'm like you - I don't care about many of the things that my H considers necessities. I don't even want to live in the expensive state we live in. All my free time goes to making money to support a lifestyle I don't even covet, while my H has no desire for any of the things I would like to have in my life (like living in the country.)

What someone else said above - you are just not compatible. You just want different things. You're not married. You kept your options open for a reason. Plan your move then make it.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> OMG that sounds so familiar. It dawned on me recently that I am fighting (as in working and sacrificing) for a life _*I don't even want*_! I'm like you - I don't care about many of the things that my H considers necessities. I don't even want to live in the expensive state we live in. All my free time goes to making money to support a lifestyle I don't even covet, while my H has no desire for any of the things I would like to have in my life (like living in the country.)
> 
> What someone else said above - you are just not compatible. You just want different things. You're not married. You kept your options open for a reason. Plan your move then make it.


Yes. This is SPOT ON.

I handed over my savings, as much money as I could stand to put away from my receptionist’s wage for 10 YEARS and put it towards a home I wasn’t ready to own. All of it, gone, just like that. I funded HIS dream. Oh the amount of times I nearly took that money to the closest airport and hopped on a plane to anywhere. I'm not blaming him for this at all. Going through with something I knew I didn't want to to please others was a cowardly move and all my fault. I take full responsibility.

I think guilt over the property is one of the main reasons I stay. My gut was absolutely screaming at me. People kept assuring me that it was a good move and that there'd be "plenty of time" to do the other things I wanted to do. I passed my gut feeling off as nerves. 6 months later I knew I’d made a huge mistake, and by not speaking up, put him in a horrible position. So, I felt I owed him. I've committed to this, I need to see it through. 

I even said to him days before signing the contract that I wasn't sure I was ready, and he said "I can't believe I am going to have to do this on my own. I thought we were in it together". After seeing how devastated he was, I caved again. 

We also live in an expensive part of town, in a small 2 bedroom apartment when we could have owned a mansion elsewhere. But, you guessed it, he didn't want to move out that far and sacrifice. Heaven forbid he might have to take a 30 minute train ride.

Every cent I earn goes towards things I don’t want, just like it sounds like it is the case with you. I am living the life people tell me I should be living, rather than the one I want to be living because he and others have convinced me that “That’s just life”. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes, and find myself constantly seeking validation that the life I want is OK to want.

What do you think you'll do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe just print this out, pack your stuff, and hand it to him on your way out the door?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

So I took a step today... we were supposed to be meeting with our mortgage broker tonight, to sign off on a new 2 year fixed loan for our home. I called him and said I didn't want to and that I was feeling unsure about things. He was surprisingly understanding and said he would always be here for me no matter what. 

I don't feel guilty. I'm not sure what I feel. He can be so loving when he wants to and he did nothing but make me feel respected and loved. I still know deep down inside we want different things, but I feel better that I can talk to him about it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Akesha said:


> So I took a step today... we were supposed to be meeting with our mortgage broker tonight, to sign off on a new 2 year fixed loan for our home. I called him and said I didn't want to and that I was feeling unsure about things. He was surprisingly understanding and said he would always be here for me no matter what.
> 
> I don't feel guilty. I'm not sure what I feel. He can be so loving when he wants to and he did nothing but make me feel respected and loved. I still know deep down inside we want different things, but I feel better that I can talk to him about it now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you! Know that you are entitled to half the equity in the home too, if you leave and he stays in the house, he will have to pay you that money. 

I know how hard this is, I left not one, but TWO marriages. Once you are to the point of constantly thinking of getting out, being out, moving on...you are done. Keep asking yourself if THIS is how you still want your life to be 20-30 years from now. Its one of the hardest fvking things you will ever do, but you CAN do it.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Good for you! Know that you are entitled to half the equity in the home too, if you leave and he stays in the house, he will have to pay you that money.
> 
> I know how hard this is, I left not one, but TWO marriages. Once you are to the point of constantly thinking of getting out, being out, moving on...you are done. Keep asking yourself if THIS is how you still want your life to be 20-30 years from now. Its one of the hardest fvking things you will ever do, but you CAN do it.


It’s just so hard. I honestly do love him, but I feel like I’m not living my life the way I truly want to - I'm living it the way people expect me to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Akesha said:


> It’s just so hard. I honestly do love him, but I feel like I’m not living my life the way I truly want to - I'm living it the way people expect me to.


Unfortunately, love isn't enough. We all like to believe that it is, but its not.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Yesterday I was such a mess telling him I didn’t want to sign the mortgage documents and he was just wonderful. He made me dinner and catered to me all night. I found myself feeling so lucky but then I know the feeling won't last. Weeks will pass and I will be back to this uncertainty – and I would have “signed myself on” for another 2 years!

I haven’t been as brutally honest with him as I should have been yesterday because I know how hurt he is going to be. He was flooding me with texts yesterday about how I am the most important person in the world to him.

I need to stop being such a coward. I find myself enjoying the kindness and love he shows me so I just wuss out.

I need to speak to him this weekend. He still thinks we're signing next week and that I just wanted to put it off for a few days.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I would write him a letter. And then he can come to you to discuss it, but the real issue would already be out there in the open.

I often give my H a card, with the true feelings in it.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

I read through most of the posts - 5pgs wow. 

The age difference to me isn't a big deal. My first marriage we were 10 yrs difference. The issue is you know you aren't happy but you still stay. I think that does come from your mom's history and how you saw her. We have that in common. I stayed with my 1st husband for 13yrs because we "I was happy" even with the abuse I had a million reasons why I shouldn't leave. Took 13 yrs to get my head right or I thought I did. Now I am in the 12th yr of my 2nd marriage and saying to myself not again.... This time I was smart and didn't end up with an abusive man, just one that has no passion for me and never did. I live a boring, lonely life and hate it. 

Please don't waste anymore time. Life is precious and do you really think on your death bed you will be saying "oh I wish I would have stayed just a little longer being unhappy?" I think Not.

Don't allow your fears of your mom's past ruin the life you have. Her issues were hers, not yours. Leave them with her and take a leap of faith that you will find happiness out on your own.

Definitely get counseling for yourself though to help you deal with learning the skills needed to have a healthy relationship. I didn't do that, although I read and read every book I could and every online article. I didn't repeat the abusive part, I just went completely in the other direction this time which to me is worse, but that is my issue.

You're are still young enough to go out and find yourself and worry about the rest later. Again stop hiding (which is what you are doing) and live life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah. If nothing else, start going to weekly therapy. You'll be surprised how much it will help you value yourself.


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