# new guy needs some input



## sadatheart (Aug 9, 2010)

hey all, new guy here. I'm 46 with a wife of 26 years. we love each other deeply but she doesn't seem to have any desire for me or sex, we do have sex but it's only about once or twice a month. when we do it's always the same like a script or something. we make sure each of other gets off but it's so boring its terrible, it's been this way from the start and we have discussed it alot over the years, it gets better for a while then goes right back after a short time. I don't know what to do, if I approach her with it, she will either get upset because I'm pressuring her or she'll be a bit more active but I always feel like it's just to appease me and she doesn't really want to. I know she's not cheating (doesn't have the time). I keep hoping she will change but after this long I doubt it. any advice? I want to save our marriage but I can't stand it much longer.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

Look in to taking her to doctor to rule out things,then hit the consoler.She mite need to talk to someone els.Could be anything.What have you come up with?Job,stress,family,mite be you.You said that it's not cheating.Ask your yourself how well do you talk and listen with her.Ask her to plan your sex play,dinner and a date.Is she shy?Will she play with herself in front of you ,or by herself?Make a list for your self and start marking things off it to rule thing out.If you push this the wrong way she will kick you a$%^&*.You said she has already got mad so if you don't want to lose her go slow.Love and sex and then there was man and women,can be the time of your life.I wish there was a fix all.Good luck.


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## sadatheart (Aug 9, 2010)

thanks Dave, during our 26+ years it's come up alot and there is always some excuse, sometimes it's her job, other times it's money worries, then the kids, etc, etc,etc. which ever is the "issues of the day" I try to fix it hoping things will change and they never do, if it's money worries, I get a second job, if it's the kids, I take them out so she has some free time. I guess I've been holding on this long because I think at some point she'll run out of "issues" and things will be good. the kids are older now so that's not an issue, she doesn't have to work so that's gone, right now she's going to school so she can "know she can take care of herself financially", the school is tough and an excellerated program so i know shes overwhealmed with that. i don't know, maybe it's just been 26 years of bad luck on my part, but it always seems like as soon as one thing gets resolved something else comes along to get in the way.

don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, in fact a long way from it. I've not always been there like I should have but we married young and we've both had alot of maturing to do over the years. it's been a hard road but if you take the sex out of the picture we would have about the closest thing to a perfect marriage. we talk, cut up, joke, have fun, love to spend tons of time together, she's my favorite person to spend time with.

there's just no sexual passion on her part, I'm not the best looking guy in the world, a little on the "chunky" side, ok --alot on the chunky side. but she's no bean pole either. I know despite of her size i still desire and lust after her but don't think she feels the same way, she says physical looks don't matter to her and I like to believe it but I don't know. I do keep up with myself except for the weight (I'm working on that), so it's not like I'm a greassy, oily stinky pig or anything.

You ask about her, I won't say she's shy, but more self concious. she will "get herself off" when we're having sex doggies style, we like to try to come at the same time. but that's the extent of it, at least that's what she says. I've asked about masturbation and she says she doesn't need to because I take such good care of her needs that way, but I would think she would need it more than once or twice a month? that is if I push the matter, I've left it up to her before (as an experiment on my part) where I haven't made any comments about sex, made any sexual inuendos and it's been as long as 2 months between encounters. 

As I've said, this isn't a new thing, we've had this discussion many times over the years. I've even mentioned about us (or her) going to see someone about it and she gets mad because it makes her feel like she's "messed up" or "broken" in some way. her responce is " can't you just accept me for who and how I am", to which I respond, "I do, I've stayed here and true for 26 years, haven't I?". that usually ends the whole discussion and I go back to trying to resolve myself to the fact that i will never have a passionate lover, in fact, most times, i find myself hoping that impotence will hurry up so I can quit worring about it so much. mabe then I can be truely happy with my life.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sorry to say but it isnt likely to change. just sounds like the classic high drive/low drive situation. seems like all else is ok with you in the marriage department. alot of us live it too, i personally havent found the magic combination.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

sadatheart said:


> hey all, new guy here. I'm 46 with a wife of 26 years. we love each other deeply but she doesn't seem to have any desire for me or sex, we do have sex but it's only about once or twice a month. when we do it's always the same like a script or something. we make sure each of other gets off but it's so boring its terrible, it's been this way from the start and we have discussed it alot over the years, it gets better for a while then goes right back after a short time. I don't know what to do, if I approach her with it, she will either get upset because I'm pressuring her or she'll be a bit more active but I always feel like it's just to appease me and she doesn't really want to. I know she's not cheating (doesn't have the time). I keep hoping she will change but after this long I doubt it. any advice? I want to save our marriage but I can't stand it much longer.



Any advice? Of course!

A woman is only going to be as sexual to her man as he is making her feel. Read this again many times as necessary. 

One of the responsibilities of the good man in his marriage is to continuously make his woman feel sexy. 

And if the good man is finding himself in the sexless scenario, then he can be assured he is not doing his job.

What are these things that make her feel sexual?

Well, for starters let's think about what it is not. 

It is not talking about having more sex, it is not whining about lack of sex, it is not telling a woman she looks good to you, it is not being helpful around the house and being a "good husband" hoping that will score you points, it is not being a good buddy or pal, it is not being a good friend, it is not political correct, and it is not about discussing lack of sex over the years. 

All this will do is kill sexual desire.

So these things that are not sexual desire, and instead kill sexual desire, these things simply stop doing.


And to think about what sexual desire is?

Sexual desire is communication between the man and woman that is very old, very primal, very emotional and is attitude driven, our ancient language that is older than even words or alphabets, older than even us as human beings! 

What this is saying, is that sexual communication is behavior and attitude, and not so much words. 

So what is sexually attractive to a woman? It is the attitude and behavior that is communicating just this, her man is in control of himself and his environment.

So all these things we think of as a sexy man, the perfect body, lots of money, these "pick up lines", having confidence, well groomed, the leader, the alpha male, all these things I could go on and on, but know simply the common denominator, it is simply what a man communicates in his presentation of himself this simple truth to a woman, that she feels he is in control of himself and his environment. 

So as good men who want to make our women feel sexually desired, we don't need to make this more complicated than it is. Simply stop doing the things that kill sexual attraction, and start and continue doing things that increase sexual attraction.

In actions, not so much words, *make your woman feel as though you, her man, could have any woman in the world, and that woman is her above all these other women.*

Even if you are thinking "I do not want to be arrogant" or "I do not want to be a jerk", understand in behavior the good man may think "jerk", but his woman will feel "He has confidence". 

Understand this is not always the walk in the park for many good men. This takes courage to take the risk, to stop the "I love you's" and instead plant a passionate kiss and then walk away about your business, or instead of "honey how about tonight?" instead already having the dinner and hotel reservations made and telling your woman which dress and hose and heels to wear, to get dressed and let's go, or instead of "please please please honey" to instead lead your woman to the bedroom, grab her hair, and get to business showing her in action how you feel about her as your woman above all other women. 

(To all good men reading this, to you if this is hard to believe, when you see it in action and see how your woman responds to your efforts you will be the believer!)

So without typing so much at one time, I will just say this, to learn and remember simply, sexual attraction is a language that is actions and behavior, and not so much words.

I wish you well.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Sounds like the classic sex drive mismatch thing to me. Its not the type of thing you can do x, y or z and her sex drive will magically materialise or increase.... it's just how people are, it is biological. Sounds bad but in this situation there is the option of compromise. Ask her what she is comfortable with, then compare that with what you are comfortable with. Cut a line down the middle and there you go. If that is a result that both of you think you can sustain over time, then you have your answer. Ideally it would be an arrangement where you can be satisfied and she can tolerate it indefinitely. You never know.. if you start this up, she may just come around and enjoy it on her own in time. You never know.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The Wolf speaks the truth. 




BigBadWolf said:


> Any advice? Of course!
> 
> A woman is only going to be as sexual to her man as he is making her feel. Read this again many times as necessary.
> 
> ...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

He doesn't Huff and Puff - he gives good advice.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Agreed with the others, the beta male (nice guy) is not a good street to be on. As my wife is fond of saying I am the nicest a**hole she knows.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

sadatheart said:


> but I can't stand it much longer.


You can probably stand this indefinitely. I think your question is whether or not you want to stand it, and that is a highly individual question. There is a very complex risk/reward calculus that is different for every person.

There are plenty of ways to improve things, but I wouldn't count on any of them working. But it never hurts to try


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