# Delayed ejaculation



## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

This is a topic that bugs me for a while now. 

My husband had a tumour and after the surgery because of the medication that he takes even now he started to have this problem.

I try not to be bothered about and be understanding but I can't....

Am I a bad person?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Of course you are not a bad person for it bothering you.
thats natural.

but you must try to be patient. Your husband had surgery and is on medication.
this will affect any mans performance.

you must try to build up his confidence and man ego or you will crush his spirit


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

try to put yourself in a mindset that all sex is pleasurable if done in mutual consideration. Concentrate on the immediate pleasurable sensations rather than the ultimate goal. marital intimacy is a unique bonding experience that transcends the achievement of orgasm.

it's not going to be an over the top experience every time. it's the journey, rather than the arrival. it's natural to be frustrated, but with the right mindset, patience and ultimately success will follow.

also, read up on the internet about ways you can help each other induce orgasm, but remember you may have to experiment quite a bit.

also talk to doc about his medication and side effects. maybe a change in meds can help.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

He Had the surgery almost 2 years ago and the doctors kept changing his medication but still the same result and he must take it for at least few more years.

Because I know how hard was the whole experience for him, not being able to walk for the first few months after the surgery I can't say to him how much it bothers me his problem.

I can't speak with anyone about this without feeling awful. 

Because of this I'm not in mood for sex ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> He Had the surgery almost 2 years ago and the doctors kept changing his medication but still the same result and he must take it for at least few more years.what kind of surgery was it? was it related to prostate?
> 
> Because I know how hard was the whole experience for him, not being able to walk for the first few months after the surgery I can't say to him how much it bothers me his problem.
> i think that is wise. my guess is he KNOWS that it bothers you and is as frustrated as you are. by making this a point of discussion will only break his spirit.
> ...


that's understandable. but i would suggest try not to lose heart. it will not be helpful long term.

what is his demeanor towards sex? 
does he avoid it? relish it? indifferent?
is he trying?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

the surgery that he had was a major one, he had a tumour on his upper spinal cord. 
Because before the surgery he paralysed on all his left side, he now has nerve pain for what the medication is for.

To be on point , he likes sex, he wants it everyday if it's possible and he really tries to give me as much attention as possible and he likes see me satisfied but it's hard not to take it personally when I see how hard it is for him to orgasm.... And we are young... He is only 34 and really fit but the medication..it's taking its toll on me..


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Not really because I can't be honest and say whatever bothers me....especially because he is always so attentive to me. 

We tried masturbation as well but it's the same problem and what's worse, if we have sex more often, it's even harder for him to have an orgasm even tough he is very horny ...

He tried to be off the medication for 2 days and the sex was great and he could achieve an orgasm quite fast but the nerve pain kick in and it was awful for him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he sounds like like a good man. he is really trying.

the fact that he is having so much trouble and yet very horny and trying all the time puts him above most men in that category.

a lot, or most men would avoid sex because their egos cannot bear the lack of performance. this makes him MORE of a man, not less.

in light of your subsequent comments, maybe you should talk to him a bit, but you have to go gently and positively. do not be negative or complaining. put a positive spin on your concerns.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you for all your comments, it's good sometimes to just talk about it.

I am not an open person in fact it's very hard for me to express my feeling and this one of the reason he is unhappy about.

But I will give it a try tonight so wish me good luck


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> Thank you for all your comments, it's good sometimes to just talk about it.
> 
> I am not an open person in fact it's very hard for me to express my feeling and this one of the reason he is unhappy about.
> 
> But I will give it a try tonight so wish me good luck


yes, good luck hope it goes well.

my impression is although you are frustrated and understandably so, you have a good, willing, devoted man.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you have sex with your husband for the sole goal of getting him to orgasm and he does not, well then it can be quite frustrating.

If you have sex with your husband for the sole purpose of connecting emotionally while forbidding orgasm and he has one anyway, well then it will likely be a reason a rejoice. 

Kind of like if you set out to fail and succeed, then what was it that actually happened again? Did you fail or succeed, or just have a great time!


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

That's a very interesting approach but then again that would the purpose of sex most of time is it not?!

Earlier this evening we had a conversation about many things and among those I tried to bring this subject up for discussion without being critical. 

And I can say it went rather well but then again this thing is not gona change. He said that he knows about his problem and he knows the medication is at fault and he is doing th best he can so that I am not frustrated. But Then again I don't want to put pressure on him so I wasn't completely honest with him but it's a start..

Its hard not to be frustrated but I have to make the best I can of the situation. He said that we have to try and have fun from now on, without stress, no expectation just having a good time to which I agreed.

I know this is not gonna solve everything but it is a start.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If he is not complaining, then this is about your ego. Let go of your ego. He wants you, so the sex must be doing something positive for him. You are not failing unless, as badsanta said, you set yourself up to fail.

You are available to your husband whenever he wants sex. Do you realize how many men here would be willing to have various body parts removed permanently if it meant they could have sex with their wives on a more frequent basis? You are doing great. Maybe not getting everything you want, but no one does.

Not saying that your H's failure to O isn't an issue. It is an issue. Something to keep addressing with the doctors. But not something to allow to become an issue the drives a wedge between you. You guys are a team working on this together. Not opponents trying to "get" something out of your spouse.

Hope things improve soon. Hope you stay emotionally connected even if they don't.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Kristisha,

In my 40s, I suddenly faced the same problem -- delayed ejaculation. I could go on for half an hour, and still no release. Very frustrating for both.... and painful too 

No surgery or medication involved. But I was going through a mid-life crisis, and my wife was, at that point of time, rejecting me very badly. So it could have been something with my ego + the sense of rejection that I was perceiving.

Two things helped change this. One, without realising it, we changed the bed we had sex on, and the position. My partner started enjoying doggie style. I don't know if it was the pressure I felt on my pen*s or just the dominance of the position that helped me to climax in 4-6 minutes. The other thing was we incorporated a bit of porn into our love making (often watching it together) and some mutual-masturbation too.... 

In the rare case when I couldn't climax, I would masturbate to finish. Or she would help me....

And yes, if I've had sex in the past 24 hours (sometimes I still masturbate due to a lack of sex within the relationship), then it's going to be tougher for me to climax...


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I really appreciate all your comments and I tought we were the only ones with this issue. Regarding sex, whenever he wants to have sex we do it because I wanted as well so in this department we understand each other very well.

Brownmale I will try to spice our sex life with toys and maybe porn.

But I keep wondering how is it going to be in a few years time.. Could become worse?
We talked with the doctors and he has to stay on medication for the rest oh his life, and he is in his early 30's
This is what really bugs me because I can't help it not feeling frustrated.

Especially because we can't do anything about it. I love him, I love having sex with him and I'm happy with his performance in bed but the fact that he can't climax or we can't have more then once a day, it eaten me inside.

But I have to be positive. I feel relieved in a way because I can talk about it without thinking what everybody judging me.

Cheers


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> If he is not complaining, then this is about your ego. Let go of your ego. He wants you, so the sex must be doing something positive for him. You are not failing unless, as badsanta said, you set yourself up to fail.
> 
> You are available to your husband whenever he wants sex. Do you realize how many men here would be willing to have various body parts removed permanently if it meant they could have sex with their wives on a more frequent basis? You are doing great. Maybe not getting everything you want, but no one does.
> 
> ...




He is not complaining about anything even if he would have any reason he is just not doing it. 
I know it's difficult for him as well especially when he is under the impression that I am not happy with his performance in bed which is not true and I told him that. It's just I want for him to have a relief especially when in his case helps with the nerve pain.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> I really appreciate all your comments and I tought we were the only ones with this issue. Regarding sex, whenever he wants to have sex we do it because I wanted as well so in this department we understand each other very well.
> 
> Brownmale I will try to spice our sex life with toys and maybe porn.
> 
> ...


Atta girl!

if he's not worrying that much about his situation and still likes sex, he sounds like a real man to me. Then don't worry so much about him.

I was in a similar situation once, but not as bad though.
I was on SSRI's after my brother died young. I could get hard fine, but couldn't ejaculate at all with my then gf. It bothered her a bit, but not that much. occasionally she would ask me, but not to a point of being annoying. we would do it a lot. I was all wonderful and i was able to please her. my point? it just didn't bother me much at all. it was all wonderful


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

peacem said:


> Have just been reading in a book called _The Heart of Desire_, aside medical issues (which I know is the problem here), some men struggle to O because sex has become functional and mechanical (that doesn't mean boring). They are getting a job done rather than relaxing into the moment and letting go. Some men who have DE struggle with fantasizing because they are so busy concentrating on the job in hand. Some men have DE because they are preoccupied with satisfying their partner, more so than their own pleasure.
> 
> Just wondered if relaxation techniques may help? Perhaps sharing fantasies or creating a fantasy through erotic literature. I think private masturbation can be a good way to start off fantasizing and then bring that into the relationship.
> 
> Is he a worrier?


I think you are right , he is more preoccupied with my satisfaction rather then his. 
He is a very relaxed guy and layed back, I more then worrier type so maybe that's we I overthinking it

I will definely try some relaxation technique to loosen up a bit


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Jorgegene what is a SSRI?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Anti-depressant.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

An update to my post... It went from bad to WORSE!

It went well for a very short time okay and then everything went downhill one night... A date night and we come home and I want to jump to sex he says to me , like always that he needs a shower. 

I don't have nothing against a shower but when you showered before going out and I want to be spontaneous it's just....

Fast forward I was stressed and mad because I had to wait but we still went on with having sex and it was awful.

In 5 years never happened to us for him , not to be able to keep and erection and I just snapped . I mean I went nuts

I can't express my feelings easily but in that moment I just took everything out, my frustration , not to mention that I even said something about the time of when he had his surgery, In other words I was borderline rude!!

And I didn't want to say those words but they just went out

And his reaction apart from utter shock was the fact that is our old problem, I never talk, I don't want to have any conversation about my feeling, about whatever bothers me and when we have sex I am always.....stressed and angry...

So I wasn't expecting for him to say that and what's worst is the fact that he was right.

I felt so...vulnerable , upset and disappointed . It was a heated discussion and I couldn't run away from it because I opened the gate and it was unmfortable to say the least.

I had to listened to what he had to say and worst I had to......talk about my frustrations, my problems

In the end we just layer naked and had a cuddle something that I don't like to do especially after sex but he likes it so I gave in...

So maybe he was right I am insensible... But I don't know how to be more there for him. To just talk about my problems , to let myself be vulnerable

I'm am so sad...


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I don't even know how I had to courage to put all in writing on this forum...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Don't let the frustration ruin things. Keep trying. it went well for a while. that's a good thing.

there will be set backs. take a deep breath and try to look at the positives. some couples have much greater issues. that sounds like a 'so what', but it sometimes helps to know to keep the spirits up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kristisha said:


> An update to my post... It went from bad to WORSE!
> 
> It went well for a very short time okay and then everything went downhill one night... A date night and we come home and I want to jump to sex he says to me , *like always that he needs a shower. * This should not have surprised you if he always does that.
> 
> ...


Truthfully, I really don't know what part your H plays in all of this. :scratchhead:


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps you need to take a closer look at what you expect here. Given a different outcome you could be without a H at all. Major surgery can be fatal. Your H survived but is now suffering from the after effects and all you can do is blow up on him because he can't perform coitus with you on this one night? Also, may I ask if your H is making a huge issue out of his inability to ejaculate or is this all your doing? If he satisfies you, whether he ejaculates or not, and is happy with the results then what is the issue? If he ejaculates every other time or even every third time, if he is okay with the frequency then should not you be also? Is everything in your life spot on perfect? You are facing a glitch right now but instead of working around it you are creating this mountain out of what could be a much smaller hill. Be thankful you still have a H and he is healthy and can still satisfy you. What would you have done if you were Christopher Reeve's wife? Is sex the only reason you want a Husband? I feel you should attempt to gain a little perspective and perhaps a little empathy.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

So your H is already probably very self conscious about the DE issues. For the first time in 5 years he couldn't keep an erection, and you went nuts on him  I don't know exactly what you said, but from reading your post it comes across as being way beyond rude (and maybe the fact that you only consider it borderline is part of the problem).


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your comments, I did apologied then there and I was disappointed in myself because the way I reacted. I don't want to put pressure on him and I did.

my problem is I don't know why I reacted like that and the fact that we never fight about anything.., it was a shock for us .

Since he had the surgery I never complained about anything, never said it was to hard for me, financially and mentally, that's why ... I was so upset with myself . 

I said to him that I was frustrated and that almost broke him... I mean I don't know what was with me....so disappointed in myself

Its not about my expectation it's about the fact that I was borderline rude and that's a big No No in any marriage. I love him a lot and respect him that's why I hope this is the first and last blowout .

I don't even know where it come from .


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kristisha said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments, I did apologied then there and I was disappointed in myself because the way I reacted. I don't want to put pressure on him and I did.
> 
> my problem is I don't know why I reacted like that and the fact that we never fight about anything.., it was a shock for us .
> 
> ...


And you have not answered the question. What exactly does your H have to do with the problem you are having with his delayed ejaculation?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> And you have not answered the question. What exactly does your H have to do with the problem you are having with his delayed ejaculation?


Following up with the point above, it is not clear, what exactly do you want to see happen? Your H had what sounds like a very serious surgery. The meds seem like a necessity for him to go about his daily life comfortably. So with all this, assuming the meds are causing the issue, his DE problem is not going away anytime soon. Knowing that, what do you want??? Would you like him to stop the meds, be in discomfort, all so you can feel good about him ejaculating? There has to be something more here going on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> Thank you everyone for your comments, I did apologied then there and I was disappointed in myself because the way I reacted. I don't want to put pressure on him and I did.
> 
> my problem is I don't know why I reacted like that and the fact that we never fight about anything.., it was a shock for us .
> 
> ...


it came from frustration and because you are human.
but you learned your lesson. blowing up as you did is the worst thing you could have done and you know it and regret it.

you love your man and want to support him. 
that's a lot better than some couples with problems have.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> And you have not answered the question. What exactly does your H have to do with the problem you are having with his delayed ejaculation?


As I was saying at the start of the trend he can't do nothing about it. It's just having to get used to it and try different things.

Ellisredding I am well aware of his surgery and his medication and I wasn't implying for him not to take it. I was just emphasising the delayed ejaculation is strictly related to medication.

So we can't change anything , We just have to make the most of it.

The reason I opened this trend is because I haven't found much about this subject and to remind me that it's not as bad as I Think it is ? Also how to adapt to this different situation.

To learn new ways to enjoy sex, and how to get rid of stress in bed


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

This may weird you out but when we had a similar problem, we got into Teasing and Denial. My wife would tease me but not let me ejaculate which I could not do anyway. She enjoyed hearing me moan in sexual frustration and that trigger her orgasms. Basically what we did was turn a bad situation into a sex game so that I did not feel bad when I could not ejaculate and my wife did not feel frustrated at my inability. 

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade and that is what we did.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Thanks for the advice I will definelly try that!!

Cheers


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Stop beating yourself. You are considerate lover and your husband is a very lucky man to have a woman such as you who greatly cares about his pleasure. You are a good wife.

BTW Have the two of you considered sexual counseling?


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