# Communication/dullness



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

It has been almost a year and a half since the affair. We are still together. I think for my little one I've put in a lot of work. But now I'm feeling jaded, really. I've told her what I need. Short of delivering an ultimatum, I've told her. I don't see any real passion. I mean the small things are there. Hand holding. She is interested in my day. She seems to care. But she is absolutely lazy when it comes to "doing the work" in the marriage. I don't know if it is selfishness or what. But I don't think "marriage" is her priority. I think I'm exhausted. If it were not for my little one. It lacks passion.

This is where I am as far as looking at divorce... If I find that a lie or a cheat, I'm gone... full stop. But short of that, I've pledged for myself that I will try. Because I did forgive and we did work on that piece. 

Here is my question... do they come around? I'm bored with my marriage. Seems dull. I need something exciting. Some kind of passion, something different. I'm out of ideas.

Within my marriage... of course.

I'm in desperate need of ideas or something.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I thought about it last night and this morning. Im tired of trying. She is too dense. I feel trapped. I want out. This sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

How are YOU prioritizing your marriage? Usually when people are bored, it's because THEY are boring. Do you bring excitement and passion to your marriage? How? What would you like to see her do?


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Marriage is not easy.. takes a lot of work on both sides and if you are the only one doing the work it is easy to build up resentment and find everything wrong with a marriage. I am bored in my marriage too, I am not a boring person.. I love to get out and do things, and I am a Romantic, what you are not saying is why you are bored with the marriage, have you told her that? I have tried to plan trips and spend time together out doing fun stuff, and we never seem to make it to do those things. My husband knows that I am bored in our marriage, he does not seem to care, he is a great guy and would do anything for anyone, but me! So now I just make time with my friends, and go do fun stuff, or with my kids.. Hope things get better for you soon!


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> How are YOU prioritizing your marriage? Usually when people are bored, it's because THEY are boring. Do you bring excitement and passion to your marriage? How? What would you like to see her do?


I've tried recreating the candle dinner at home, passionate kisses, taking time to go out, randomness, I've blindfolded her, blindfolded myself, picked flowers, gotten a card or two... and I've not done these things... turned the temp down. I feel like I tried everything. 

I'd like her to let me know that she wants me... some lust. I've told her EXACTLY what I want to hear. Something, anything to let me know she has a pulse. I feel like roomates with benefits. Its so dry. Dry. And I'm thirsty.

For the past year and a half, this marriage has been my #1 priority. Now I'm starting to question if it ever should have been. I feel used up.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

justforfun1222 said:


> Marriage is not easy.. takes a lot of work on both sides and if you are the only one doing the work it is easy to build up resentment and find everything wrong with a marriage. I am bored in my marriage too, I am not a boring person.. I love to get out and do things, and I am a Romantic, what you are not saying is why you are bored with the marriage, have you told her that? I have tried to plan trips and spend time together out doing fun stuff, and we never seem to make it to do those things. My husband knows that I am bored in our marriage, he does not seem to care, he is a great guy and would do anything for anyone, but me! So now I just make time with my friends, and go do fun stuff, or with my kids.. Hope things get better for you soon!


I was looking for the right word to describe me... I think resentful is the word. I tried everything and now I think I'm with a very selfish woman. Like an infant, so loud and only wanting what is best for her.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I've tried recreating the candle dinner at home, passionate kisses, taking time to go out, randomness, I've blindfolded her, blindfolded myself, picked flowers, gotten a card or two... and I've not done these things... turned the temp down. I feel like I tried everything.
> 
> I'd like her to let me know that she wants me... some lust. I've told her EXACTLY what I want to hear. Something, anything to let me know she has a pulse. I feel like roomates with benefits. Its so dry. Dry. And I'm thirsty.
> 
> For the past year and a half, this marriage has been my #1 priority. Now I'm starting to question if it ever should have been. I feel used up.


...But I'm open to ideas. I'm out of them myself.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

For y'all that have been there... do they come out of it... is it worth the wait? Or is there success in beating the dead horse? Is there something I'm not doing? I don't know how to do marriage that well.


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## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I was looking for the right word to describe me... I think resentful is the word. I tried everything and now I think I'm with a very selfish woman. Like an infant, so loud and only wanting what is best for her.


Yes, they can come out of it over time. My WW has at least woken up to the fact that she needs to be the one who takes the lead in setting the tone for our marriage. It's funny you say "infant" above about your wife, because when my wife was in the phase your wife is in now, she actually described herself that way. She screws up, but my job was to ignore it and make sure she's always happy and well taken care of, no matter what. I was able to get her past this way of thinking and get her into working on "us" again, though maybe not as hard as I do. But it took some time as well as my willingness to tell her I was going to walk if things didn't change.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One bit of advice I have based on my own experience is that staying for the kids is not a good enough reason. They may grow up seeing the dysfunction as normal and have bigger problems later in life. They will pick up on the tension, and will see an unhappy dad and mom.

Also, no matter how things are going right now, if you guys do divorce, it will not be fun. Feelings will be hurt, and you will likely see sides of eachother you never knew existed, and never want to see again.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I was looking for the right word to describe me... I think resentful is the word. I tried everything and now I think I'm with a very selfish woman. Like an infant, so loud and only wanting what is best for her.



When you decided to reconcile after the A, did your wife show remorse? It almost seems like she may not be into really working on the marriage. If she is unhappy with the way things are, if she isnt "feeling" you anymore and cant force the feelings. I am afraid there may be another A. 

The way you describe it, it almost seems like she is not into this at all. That is not good my friend. How often do you have sex and when you do is it full of passion and intimacy?


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

LoriC said:


> When you decided to reconcile after the A, did your wife show remorse? It almost seems like she may not be into really working on the marriage. If she is unhappy with the way things are, if she isnt "feeling" you anymore and cant force the feelings. I am afraid there may be another A.
> 
> The way you describe it, it almost seems like she is not into this at all. That is not good my friend. How often do you have sex and when you do is it full of passion and intimacy?


When we sit on the couch she takes my arm. Once when I was in the car... "I" did not hold her hand... this did upset her. When we are in the grocery store, sometimes she grabs me by the side. She tells me she loves me... first. I don't ignore these... but it is not exactly what I asked for. I asked for her to "desire" me, or at least fake the funk for a moment. Show some life, some passion, something. She is not really working on the marriage... or herself. I am confident that she is not in an A. My eyes are really, really, wide open. I'm not naive anymore.


Passion... I don't think so. Intimacy... I think so. Or at least I think face to face sex, with her orgasm is intimacy. Not sure here.

I try to hold her hand with this "Babe, I want to hear you say "fuc me", I want you to moan, I think it would be hot it you let me do this... turn over, I want you this way...

She does not let me have my way really at all during sex... so no, no passion. Nothing but "lets do this" like a chore. She tells me she has no complaints in that dept... but I do. And she does nothing to even meet me a quarter or the way. I'm 29 and I don't want to waste the best part of my life.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I was looking for the right word to describe me... I think resentful is the word. I tried everything and now I think I'm with a very selfish woman. Like an infant, so loud and only wanting what is best for her.





FrusteratedJoey said:


> When we sit on the couch she takes my arm. Once when I was in the car... "I" did not hold her hand... this did upset her. When we are in the grocery store, sometimes she grabs me by the side. She tells me she loves me... first. I don't ignore these... but it is not exactly what I asked for. I asked for her to "desire" me, or at least fake the funk for a moment. Show some life, some passion, something. She is not really working on the marriage... or herself. I am confident that she is not in an A. My eyes are really, really, wide open. I'm not naive anymore.
> 
> 
> Passion... I don't think so. Intimacy... I think so. Or at least I think face to face sex, with her orgasm is intimacy. Not sure here.
> ...



I know what you mean about the passion. Yes, you definitely need that. I definitely need that! I do tell my H to fuc me and I love it when he takes me from behind. We are extremely passionate in the bedroom. 

We are working on the marriage. It takes you BOTH to work on it. Basically she is affectionate with you but that is not meeting all your needs. You have to tell her very pointedly that ALL your needs must be met. Same goes for her needs of course. 

It takes two to make it fail and two to make it work. You really need a VERY serious sit down conversation with her, stress the importance that this could be a dealbreaker for you. That should get you a response and if it doesnt make things better, perhaps it is time to move on. We all want to stay together for the kids but at the end of the day we could be doing more harm to them than good. 

Let me know how it goes if you do have the conversation. She either wants it to work or not. I think its quite simple.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

LoriC said:


> I know what you mean about the passion. Yes, you definitely need that. I definitely need that! I do tell my H to fuc me and I love it when he takes me from behind. We are extremely passionate in the bedroom.
> 
> We are working on the marriage. It takes you BOTH to work on it. Basically she is affectionate with you but that is not meeting all your needs. You have to tell her very pointedly that ALL your needs must be met. Same goes for her needs of course.
> 
> ...



I've tried the sit down... she has like, a really low tolerance. Defensive or intolerant. I don't think I've really said dealbreaker... is this the missing piece? What is the best way to approach this type of conversation? 

She is "tired" of conversations.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It might be time for the ultimatum....this, this and this need to happen, or this marriage is over. No hemming and hawing, no sugar coating. Direct and to the point.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I've tried the sit down... she has like, a really low tolerance. Defensive or intolerant. I don't think I've really said dealbreaker... is this the missing piece? What is the best way to approach this type of conversation?
> 
> She is "tired" of conversations.


Wow, she has no right to be "tired of conversations"! Not after an A. She should be willing to do anything to save the marriage. If she isnt, then you have a bigger problem. 

You have to decide if this missing piece in your marriage is a dealbreaker. You are the only one who can decide this. If it is then Hell Yes throw it out there to her. You will then find out if she does or does not care to make this work.

Honestly, if she doesnt care then you really need to move on. Life is too short....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I try to hold her hand with this "Babe, I want to hear you say "fuc me", I want you to moan, I think it would be hot it you let me do this... turn over, I want you this way...


You need #1 to stop watching porn,


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I've tried recreating the candle dinner at home, passionate kisses, taking time to go out, randomness, I've blindfolded her, blindfolded myself, picked flowers, gotten a card or two... and I've not done these things... turned the temp down. I feel like I tried everything.
> 
> I'd like her to let me know that she wants me... some lust. I've told her EXACTLY what I want to hear. Something, anything to let me know she has a pulse. I feel like roomates with benefits. Its so dry. Dry. And I'm thirsty.
> 
> For the past year and a half, this marriage has been my #1 priority. Now I'm starting to question if it ever should have been. I feel used up.


Have you tried JustForFun's methods? If you enliven your life and become the kind of person you partner wishes THEY were, they sometimes will come around to wanting to do things together. 

It doesn't always work, but if it doesn't, at least your own life will be rewarding in other ways.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This sounds to me like a lack of remorse, a lack of consequences, and rug sweeping. This is exactly the kind of situation you can expect when the above 3 happen.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This sounds to me like a lack of remorse, a lack of consequences, and rug sweeping. This is exactly the kind of situation you can expect when the above 3 happen.


Maybe. But I did have *a lot* of talks with her initially. I can imagine how tiring they can be. *a lot* I mean she really did not rug sweep... she does not blame me for the affair, she still takes responsibility for it. I almost left... she felt that consequence... like the words "we need to have the best xmas we can for our little one, then we need to sit down and work this so that we can leave each other and still be ok on our budgets and stuff..." and this lead to a few hour long discussion... so I know she understands I mean business. I get the idea she feels shame... I can sense it. I can understand it too. I've been there, and I know what it is like to change. I have.

So now I have these talks in smaller bites, or I save them for counseling. So I think since we have an appointment this Friday I'll just put it on the table. Either this works or it doesn't. I'm also going to try Justforfun's methods. I'm sure I can find something to distract me. 

I know that staying just for the kid is not the correct answer... and I realize that I might not have my cake and eat it to. She is the most important thing to me right at this moment. I figure if I can hang on for a few more years, at least I can raise my daughter. Maximize my time with my little one. I'm so proud of her. She's six now. So smart. That sometimes is the only thing keeping me here. I think that is where I feel torn.

Sometimes I pray. 

I was thinking that I might be rushing things myself. I mean, just cause someone has an affair does not mean that their issues were not completely invalid. Yeah, the affair was invalid as ****, wrong, and senseless.... unjustified. I'm really having a hard time subscribing to the "you had the affair so you need to do all the changing" I try to separate her affair from our marital issues... best I can. I hate that room. It sucks. I cheated during our engagement... and that still feels like a dirty I can't wash off... 8 years later. Sometimes I still have a hard time looking myself in the mirror. Who was I? (I digressed)

People (the wife) just need time to come around?

Sometimes I think my daughter needs an advocate for a complete family... and that might mean I need to suck it up for a minute... do I need to exercise patience for a little bit y'all think?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Call me dumb, but I think I still need a bit of clarification. Your wife is holding your hand, telling you she loves you, at least taking some sort of initiative. Am I right?

But you want her to get hot, steamy, and run her nails up and down your back while dragging you into the shower for a hot and steamy encounter while scrubbing one another up with a bar of soap? 

I don't want to sound naïve, dumb, or dense here. 

She is being contrite? She wants to salvage the marriage? But you feel her efforts are somewhat lame?:scratchhead:

I can only speak from my perspective. My husband and I had melt-the-mattress-and-walls kinda sex. I mean, whoa! It was HOT. But after five years or so, it was not as hot. Still ... I just need to know. Do you desire that sweat flying all over walls type of sex, or do you just want to feel she is sincere with the effort she it putting forth?

Because, from what you have posted thus far, it sounds like you believe (to some degree at least) that she is making an effort.

I am sorry if I'm wrong in my assessment of your situation.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Call me dumb, but I think I still need a bit of clarification. Your wife is holding your hand, telling you she loves you, at least taking some sort of initiative. Am I right?
> 
> But you want her to get hot, steamy, and run her nails up and down your back while dragging you into the shower for a hot and steamy encounter while scrubbing one another up with a bar of soap?
> 
> ...


I do believe to a greater extent she is being sincere. And maybe I'm being a bit of an ass. Bu I also want to "feel" desired. I want to "feel" like the only one. I want her to "want" me. Yes, if that means she drags me in the bedroom and tells me she can't wait anymore... that would be nice yes. Yeah, I want my ego stroked. The resentment comes from the fact that I've tried my ass off to make this work... and addressed her issues. But when I say "babe... I want to see some passion... here are some ideas..." and nothing happens, then yes.. there is resentment. I mean how hard is it to send a dirty text, or do something to stroke my ego. I feel like I've about broken my back for this and I have like one or two requests. She respects me in my home and around elsewhere. And I love her for it. But I want passion. I want the spark. I have the spark. I have the passion. But I want to "feel" it. I don't know if I'm asking too much, but I feel like I'm about to lose the opportunity. I don't want to grow old without feeling that spark again. That scares the living daylight out of me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I have the passion. But I want to "feel" it. I don't know if I'm asking too much, but I feel like I'm about to lose the opportunity. I don't want to grow old without feeling that spark again.


I know exactly what you mean, and thank you very much for clarifying. From personal experience, and knowledge I have gathered from a man I know well who went through a similar experience, I can give you my impression of your situation. And that impression is this: she is going through the motions. Appearances are extremely important. She is not necessarily a shallow person, per se. But I think holding together the marriage, on her terms and in the only way she knows, is important to her.

The big "HOWEVER" here is, it doesn't jibe with what you need as the necessary "glue" to keep you stuck. I know that sounds corny, but I understand what you are saying.

I needed hot, steamy, passionate sex in my marriage. My husband? Yeah, to some degree. But when it was all said and done, the appearance of a good marriage meant more to him than the sexual and passionate connection I desired.

I am really sorry to read your post, because I just don't see this coming to a good end. Your wife is trying, but it is possible that she just isn't capable of forging the attachment you desire. Only you know if it is possible. If it isn't, I suppose you have to assess if your expectations are realistic, and if you believe you can find what you want with another partner.

P.S. - I am not advocating divorce or an ultimatum. Perhaps separation, for a period of time, would allow both of you to have some breathing room to think things out. JMO.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I know exactly what you mean, and thank you very much for clarifying. From personal experience, and knowledge I have gathered from a man I know well who went through a similar experience, I can give you my impression of your situation. And that impression is this: she is going through the motions. Appearances are extremely important. She is not necessarily a shallow person, per se. But I think holding together the marriage, on her terms and in the only way she knows, is important to her.
> 
> The big "HOWEVER" here is, it doesn't jibe with what you need as the necessary "glue" to keep you stuck. I know that sounds corny, but I understand what you are saying.
> 
> ...


If I hear you correctly... she values marriage and is doing the best she can. I'm needing more, but she may not know how to give more. I need to check and/or manage my expectations, reevaluate. I just want to be sure I'm understanding your message. ?


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> You need #1 to stop watching porn,




I understand where this is coming from, but no I don't want my wife to be a porn star. I don't think there is anything wrong with healthy consensual dirty talk. And I don't think there is anything wrong in requesting it either.

Porn is not always the root of issues, but I'm not dumb  and I understand that is allows unrealistic expectations of spouses to creep in. I'm well read in this area.

I would agree with you if I were asking my wife to contort herself like a pretzel or do demeaning things. This however, is not the case.


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