# Going Balls Out Against Your Alcoholic



## endlessgrief

I have been married to an extreme alcoholic for 20 years. I knew he was an alki when I married him. My "young" self thought I could "help" him and change him. Wait a second while I puke then laugh :rofl:

Okay, so anyway, this morning he and I went at each other like hyenas fighting over a dead elephant's azzhole. As most of you know, when you call the alki on their behavior, the first thing they will do it bring up all YOUR faults to get the spotlight off them. If that doesn't work, then they will pout and pretend to not listen. Then the tears start and the "you are so mean to me" crap comes out. Oh, hold on, I gotta puke and laugh some more.

I have been dealing with this crap for over 20 years. Been in therapy a 100 times, Al-anon meetings, reading, you name it. If any of you think you can help and cure the alcoholic in your life, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. 

Then, if you push them too far (meaning you are hitting a nerve), they will go after your Achilles heel. Mine is name calling since I had a very verbally abusive father. My H called me a name and I nearly hit him over the head with a plate, NEARLY. While he was screaming out all MY faults I stayed very calm. I quit crying over him years ago. Then he screamed: FIND ME A 90 DAY PROGRAM AND I WILL GET BETTER! I told him to find his own 90 day program. He screamed again. It's easier for them to blame others and turn the tables but that stopped working years ago.

I am NO angel and have some serious issues myself, the main one being shopping addiction. Some say that when you have no control over anything in your marriage, you find something you can control that makes you feel better. Mine happened to be clothing. Since I have been out of work, I can no longer shop which sucks. But he kept trying to bring the conversation back to MY problems, even hitting below the belt trying to hurt me. 

He thinks I should give him credit for not drinking ONE day last week. HE HAD THE FLU AND COULDN'T GO GET HIS DAILY FIFTH OF RUM. You don't get credit for that! Then he played the victim. THEN he started to scream at me that he is the only one to pay the bills and that I basically suck. You see, he secretly ignored the last three years of property taxes and I just found out that we may lose our house in one month. 

I told him to quit smoking and quit buying booze and he would have the money. Oh, he didn't like that! 

Two nights ago at 3 am, I heard a huge crash. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. My H was lying on his back, arms and legs in the air and he couldn't breathe. He was totally hammered and I was DONE. Of course he has no recollection of the incident, but I have to live with the memory. How fun for me.

We have been living as roommates for the past three years. No cuddling, sex, marriage stuff. I am a loud mouth who doesn't believe in holding my feelings in. We had 1000 discussions on this matter, they did no good. So I said I would sell my wedding ring to get the money for the taxes. He got mad because I was willing to sell something "sentimental." SENTIMENTAL? This hasn't been a marriage for a long time, I don't even wear the damned thing!!! 

Does anyone know of where I can sell some very expensive diamond and tanzanite rings? I don't want to use Ebay or a pawn shop. Has anyone ever sold expensive jewelry before? What can I do, where should I go? 

Oh, and I am ranting here to people who will understand. I don't need advice on how to deal with him. What little detachment I had towards him as a lover is gone now. He is a good man and we live like platonic roommates and I need to stop begging for affection. I am starting to feel like a fool.

You know about what they say the definition of insanity is:

DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

The good thing here is that after all the therapy and help I received over the years helped me keep my head clear as he ranted and pouted and pointed the finger at me like everything is my fault. I have no desire to get revenge, hurt him, or stand in his way. I will no longer nag him for my opinion is ignored.

He is on his own now, I cannot help him. I can only help me and the first step is getting the 4 grand to pay the taxes. I have been detaching for awhile now, now my detachment is complete. It was hard to do, but it needed to be done. 

Any of you young people getting into a new relationship with someone who you think drinks too much, RUN!!! Don't give your best years to someone who doesn't even remember you half the time.

And yes, I know it is an ADDICTION, brain chemistry, runs in families, BLAH BLAH FCUKING BLAH. 

Thank you all for listening and I would love to hear about your experiences when you realized you had to stop banging your head against the wall because of someone else's behavior. It's very freeing and terrifying at the same time.


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## Freak On a Leash

On Page 3 of this thread is my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/61362-i-feel-shattered-3.html

And when I'd finally had enough:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html


I had a long talk with my alcoholic STBXH the other night and he said something about me joining a support group like Al-Anon. I told him I'd done that already and was past it because I see no reason for it. I'm no going to deal with him period when he's drunk. What he does is up to him and doesn't impact me. He's on his own. He'll get no support from me. 

He looked a bit taken back. Oh well. :shrug:

Once you don't care you don't scream or yell anymore. You just say things and when it gets ugly you leave. It's quite liberating. He's called me names, told me I was a "child" and "pathetic" and I just say "Ok, right, whatever.". I am mocking him and he doesn't even know it. It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.


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## Chris Taylor

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but nothing will change until he hits rock bottom. And you're along for the ride, although it sounds like you're ready to jump off.

Have your rings appraised and ask the jeweler if he knows where you can sell them (appraise first, ask second).


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## Forever Changed

My wife left me because I was an alcoholic.

I get that. I understand completely. I own it.


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## I got this

endlessgrief said:


> Okay, so anyway, this morning he and I went at each other like hyenas fighting over a dead elephant's azzhole.


:lol:


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## Penny_Lane

Hi endless,
I'm 51 and about 1 month away from a divorce that will be final from an alcoholic man.

Stories - mine are like yours, as you can imagine. My problem was two fold - I was raised in a such a stable environment, my parents never drank, there was no "drunk uncle" coming by for me to see anything or be told anything about alcohol. I really didn't understand what I was dealing with at first. 

Second, I was doing what you were. Trying to fix the problem myself, as in, making sure the house was spotless (so there's nothing to gripe about), making sure I was spotless (so there's nothing to gripe about) making sure I handled the responsibilities (so he wouldn't freak out and storm off to the bar), making sure I didn't say the wrong thing (and somehow I always managed to do it anyway).

It's taken me years to understand what they mean when they say - it's a disease. Really, years.

I am past the denial. Past holding any responsibility for what he's choosing. As you can imagine, there were many, many, many "talks" about his drinking. Useless, it was.
The anger and frustration, loneliness and fear, I am letting go from laying on him anymore.
He can't handle it, simply cannot handle any part of any healthy relationship.
There will be no life goals that will be met for me, if I stay with him. 
My husband is going down. And if he's one of the lucky ones, (I think they say 10% of alcoholics will recover) his life will get worse and worse until he does hit bottom and then, if only by the Grace of God will he ever have hope.
And I now do think that's true - any kind of a belief in any kind of higher power is the only thing that might, maybe work.

It's totally sad. And you are 100% right - there's NOTHING we can do. All the books I've read, professionals I've talked with say it - N O T H I N G.
Took me a long time to accept that and believe me you, I tried EVERYTHING. I loved him. Still do. Very sad indeed.

Something that helps me - I trust that God's love is surrounding him as well. Corny, but it helps my heart to place him there in my mind...

Good luck to you. I hope you find some clarity and peace.


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## endlessgrief

Thanks for your replies people! Being able to vent to others who know what it's like is a gift from God in my opinion. 

The largest huddle I had to over come was that none of his drunken behavior was my fault. His drinking has nothing to do with me, so I had to stop blaming myself. He is going to get drunk no matter what I do or say, so why bother? I do worry about his well-being. He's a big dude and when he gets really drunk, he falls a lot, and he falls HARD! 

I also have a fear that he is going to pull a Jimi Hendrix and I am going to "find the body." The sad thing is, I am not being dramatic, that could happen very easily.

What kills me is that he starts drinking at midnight every night. CLOCKWORK. He plays on the computer and drinks a fifth of rum and goes to bed drunk every night (day) at around 5 or 6 am and then sleeps all day. He usually gets out of bed at around 8 in the evening. Therefore, he calls me RUDE if I have my music too high or play with my birds too loud. Yesterday he says to me "thanks for keeping me awake all day." I was jamming my music at 4 in the afternoon for god's sake! Oh poor baby! 

I am alone all day and when he makes an appearance in the late evening, he wants to spend time with me by watching TV. I keep telling him that just sitting the same room watching TV is NOT quality time, it's quantity time, which he totally disagrees with. So if we are watching a movie, etc. and midnight comes, he stands up, goes into the bathroom to clean up and leaves to the liquor store. I guess that is my cue that "quality" time is over. 

What is hilarious is that he would be livid if I cheated on him, emotionally or physically. I could bang every Tom, ****, and Moron in our house for hours and he would never know. 

Living with a major alcoholic is like watching a beetle on its back struggling to turn over but two of his legs are missing so he just writhes and twists to get back on this feet but he can't. The only thing you can do when you see a poor beetle in that condition is to step on him to end his misery. Perhaps I should go and buy some very large shoes


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## silkpalace

Penny Lane,
Your response was very helfpul to me.....thank you for your wisdom. I have "given up the fight", I am worn out.


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