# Mixed Emotions and Completely Drained - Need Advice



## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi everyone, I am fairly new here and am just looking for people who may be able to share in my feelings and hopefully help me with much needed answers as to what I am going through.

I've known my husband over 20 years through childhood and through the years we spoke but not on a regular basis. We connected after a cruise we went on together with a group of folks with his employer of who I was dating a guy who he worked with and was friends with previously back in 2011. as I stated we both had mates and about a month after the cruise we both became single as his gf cheated on him and my bf and I broke it off mutually and remained friends. Well a month after being single, he sent me a message on FB that we should hang out as friends, so about a week later we went out bowling with a group of my friends and soon started dating and after two months of dating, he asked me to be his wife. Our relationship from the start felt doomed as I had heard some not so nice things about him but decided to keep dating him and I fell for him because he has some great qualities, fun, charming, sociable, likable, and very good looking. As the relationship went on clear signs should have told me to run, and run fast. He was a real party guy before we dated and I was warned by even his friends about his drinking habits and his insecurities etc. I decided to find out for myself instead of listening to others. He was married once before for 10 years that ended up with his wife cheating and has a 16 year old son from that marriage and a 6 year old daughter from a woman that he was "dating" after his marriage. His son does not live with us because he doesn't particularly like his father and is spoiled by his grandparents and would rather live with them. 

Well, we dated for a year and we got married at the courthouse back in Nov of 2012. He claimed he has changed as a person for me and even stopped smoking for me. I told him I didn't drink as I am a type 1 diabetic and can't and am just not a party girl. His drinking has cut down but I would say in the last 6 months he has started to go back to his old ways, He is a sheriff deputy so his schedule rotates and that depends on whether he drinks. He loves to go out and have beer on his off days and will attend any party he hears about or is invited to. I ask him why he feels he needs to "keep up with the Jones" by going to all the parties and getting totally smashed and then becomes very verbally abusive towards me. He says if I let him be his self and be a man then he wouldn't get angry with me. That is total BS in my book. We have gotten into some physical altercations where he has left bruises and I have recordings of his drunken rants where he has called me every name in the book. The famous "C" word, *****, liar, *****, hypocrite etc. He says he is 42 years old and is a grown man and can do whatever he wants. If I nag him about drinking he seems to drink more just to aggravate me and says so. Well that is just one issue...

The other issue is his 6 year old daughter, I have met the mother one time and she is a very mean and miserable person and has nothing to do with me and me being her daughters step mother, you would think she would want to get to know me but she is immature and jaded about my husband leaving her, and he didn't leave her for me, as that was about 7 years before me. Well, she gets 900.00 in child support monthly and demands that we buy the kid clothes for our house whatever else the child needs at our house because she doesn't share the clothes or anything else that the CS pays for so it's like she has two sets of everything and my husband pays for her activities above and beyond his $900.00 in child support, like dance and gym classes for his child. He kisses her butt and gives into her on everything because he is afraid she will take him back to court for more CS. This woman has 2 kids from 2 different fathers as well as the 6 year old and they both still live with her and she pays her bills with CS money and it is unfair to my husband. She has raised his child to think that she is better than everyone else like her mother thinks of herself and is very spoiled and there is no discipline instilled at her house. We get her overnight once a week and two nights for 4 hours per the judge. I don't particularly like the child for these reasons and being her mother is like she is, when I see the child I am reminded of her and I can see her in this child. The child really likes me and wants to be around me but I really can't stand her. When she is staying overnight at our house, my husband will drink and therefore I end up taking care of the child including putting her to bed. She is 6 and wakes up in the night 2-3 times screaming for her dad and wakes me up each time so I never get sleep when she is there. My husband loves his child very much and doesn't see any wrong doing on her part. The world stops when she is over. She has ADD and is very wild and nonstop. She requires medicine and doesn't receive it on a daily basis because he doesn't like the idea she has to take medicine. I don't agree but it's not my business. I have a lot of resentment towards him and his child.

My husband is a good provider for me and will get me whatever I need and is genuinely a good person but definitely has some issues that he needs to work on. His is a very insecure and jealous person and very sensitive person. I feel I walk on egg shells because I have to watch what I say because he says I talk to him like a piece of **** and have an attitude, so I just don't speak to him. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have my health issues and I don't need the stress on top of it all. He has ruined the relationship with my mother because of his abrasiveness and just the way he is. He says what he feels and holds back nothing. I am always the one who has done wrong and is a hypocrite in his eyes, He tells me I'm boring and a bump on a log (because I don't get drunk and party) as I tell him over and over I can't and besides I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I suggested he get back with his last gf as she seemed to be the one who was in love with and was the party girl he likes. He said I am immature and need to lighten up and have a good time and have a better attitude. How can I when I have all of this on my plate. I feel it is a constant battle with him about everything. One thing he does that drives me crazy is that when he first sees me in the morning or when I come home, he will say the stupidest most obvious things, for instance, if I am running late in the morning, he will say "hey your going to be late" well no s***. I already knew this but thanks for stating the obvious. Not even good morning, but hey your going to be late. He has the same pattern with every girl he's been with so I know it isn't just me. He said I am bi-polar and or crazy and need to seek help. 

We have only been married for a year and 4 months and I don't think I want a divorce but at this point I don't see things getting better. I have detached myself emotionally and physically and no longer wear my wedding band. We haven't spoke in 3 days and he tries to talk to me and tries to have sex with me but I am not interested. I told him on Sunday that I was done with this relationship as it wasn't something I could continue. I still LOVE him and wish things would get better but I don't have hopes. If I say nothing then I can't get yelled at for anything. Oh and did I mention we are in the midst of building a new house that will be ready in a few months. He wanted to build me a new home because the home we are currently living in, his gf and him lived in for 3 years and has bad karma or mojo so he wanted to build me a new house for a fresh start. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to share a little of what's going on and seek some answers or guidance as to what I should do. I'm open to any suggestions. Thank you!!! :scratchhead:


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Get the f^ck out of Dodge!!

He's a drunk. He berates you, calls you insulting names, AND he hurts you physically. Do you need any more reasons?

Lawyer up.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Hi there,

Sounds like quite a few things are going on. Communication is not happening in a healthy way. I think MC would help a lot as you both need to learn to communicate, but he needs to be open to that as well. 

individual counselling for you would be good, because you are accepting and enabling his verbal and physical abuse. That's if you want it to work out. I know for myself I tolerate a lot but verbal and physical abuse are deal breakers for me, and I would not walk but run out of such a relationship. But you really need to get some help to figure out why you are in this relationship to begin with. Once you figure that out, you will know what to do. Otherwise you'll walk out of this one and into another similar relationship. 

You can't tell him how to live, or not to drink but you can tell him that you will not live with someone who drinks excessively, is verbally abusive etc. Those are your boundaries and limitations. You are not telling him what to do, simply what you will and won't do and/or accept. 

If he comes home drunk you can say "I don't want to be around you when you are drunk" and leave the house. 

You either need to both agree to fix the relationship or you need to get out. It takes 2 people to fix a broken relationship and you can't do it alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mlw11612 said:


> I ask him why he feels he needs to "keep up with the Jones" by going to all the parties and getting totally smashed and then becomes very *verbally abusive* towards me. He says *if I let him be his self* and be a man then he wouldn't get angry with me.


You married an abuser. Get out. He'll never change.

And read this ASAP to see what you're in for if you stay (it always gets worse, never gets better):
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and if he ever hurts you, tell his commander.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Your husband is an ass. But you knew that already. No sense jumping on that bandwagon. 

So let me throw this out there... You're pretty selfish and should have never married him. Yo clearly feel you're supposed to get along with baby mama. That's not real. Sometimes it works out that way. But quite frankly she's his ex. They aren't likely to be chummy. That aside, you "don't particularly like" his child. You don't grasp the fundamentals of Child Support. You take issue with him providing for his daughter. So leave them alone. 

While he may be an a55. You ma'am are only making it worse.

Child Support - Money used to support a child at the home of the person receiving the support. Not meant to alleviate the responsibility to provide for the same child while in the payers home. 

In a nut shell? If the mother receives $900 in CS that is for her to use to pay bills in support of the child. Common practice is to put it int he pool and it pays out against rent, utilities, food, clothes, etc. When the child is with you, you still cloth them and feed them. Savvy? They don't drop the child off with a bag of prepared meals for the weekend.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

turnera said:


> Oh, and if he ever hurts you, tell his commander.


Foolishness

If he hurts you, call 911 and report it properly. Document it. Get and enforce a Restraining Order. When you call 911 you specify that he is a local Sheriff's Deputy and that you DO NOT want Sheriff's responding if they can send local PD or State Troopers instead.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Malph, that goes without saying, calling it in. But reporting it to his commander as well is much more likely to get a swift change in his actions.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Yes, he is ass and an abusive controller. There are many ussues in this marriage and I think there are too many to fix and as someone said, they wil never change. I don't feel I am supposed to get along with the baby mamma but she doesn't have to act like she does, I've never done anything to her and her child likes me which the child has told her. Gettingt along with her would make things better for all parties involved. This is my first marriage and with someone who has kids, I've never been through this so I am just overwhelmed. As far as the CS goes, 900.00 a month plus money above and beyond that is quite high and we all know it doesn't cost 900.00 plus to rasie a 6 year old child. But that amount is set by the judge and it goes on what is salary is and sharing time of which he was only granted one overnight a week. The mother lied in court and cried poor mouth and begged the judge for him to see his child only once a week. He his her cash cow. She is a school teacher that works the school year and quits after school is out for summer and takes him back to court to get more support because she isn't working and then gets another teaching job after support has been raised. To me, that is not a nice person. Her nastiness is only hurting the child. This post wasn't about CS, it was about the current situation I am in and was looking for advice from others. We don't communicate and I am tired of his nitpicking, drinking, berating and verbal abuse. Don't get me wrong, he gets like this when drinking and doesn't drink everyday as he works 5 days but on his days off he will drink. We got along in the beginning but as his true colors came out, it got steadily worse. But according to him, I am a ***** with an attitude and am never satisfied and am never happy. He has a past history with all past women so I know it isn't just me who feels this way. He is the selfish one and always does what he wants. I have separated myself emotionally from him. I can't have sex with someone like him, why would anyone want to be treated this way? And the other issues such as the child just complicate matters on top of everything else. He says he can do what he wants because he3 is a cop. I disagree!!! And he wonders why I am the way I am. He has brought down my slef confidence along with everything else.


Malpheous said:


> Your husband is an ass. But you knew that already. No sense jumping on that bandwagon.
> 
> So let me throw this out there... You're pretty selfish and should have never married him. Yo clearly feel you're supposed to get along with baby mama. That's not real. Sometimes it works out that way. But quite frankly she's his ex. They aren't likely to be chummy. That aside, you "don't particularly like" his child. You don't grasp the fundamentals of Child Support. You take issue with him providing for his daughter. So leave them alone.
> 
> ...


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I have told him that I will report him and he said they protect each other and my life would be hell if I cost him his job.


turnera said:


> Malph, that goes without saying, calling it in. But reporting it to his commander as well is much more likely to get a swift change in his actions.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

Her father pays her mortgage and has three other growm kids in the house that don't contribute and the child said they can't afford cable so they have none. The mother also had her friend who works for the State Attorney's office and had my name ran to see what type of person I was. That is totally illegal. His last gf was a stripper at one time and she thought I was the same type if person as the last girl. I am the total opposite and was raised by good parents with morals.


Malpheous said:


> Your husband is an ass. But you knew that already. No sense jumping on that bandwagon.
> 
> So let me throw this out there... You're pretty selfish and should have never married him. Yo clearly feel you're supposed to get along with baby mama. That's not real. Sometimes it works out that way. But quite frankly she's his ex. They aren't likely to be chummy. That aside, you "don't particularly like" his child. You don't grasp the fundamentals of Child Support. You take issue with him providing for his daughter. So leave them alone.
> 
> ...


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I have pics of the bruises he left on my arm and recordings of his rants. He once spit in my face when I poured his alcohol out as we were driving. He remembers nothing the next day.


Malpheous said:


> Foolishness
> 
> If he hurts you, call 911 and report it properly. Document it. Get and enforce a Restraining Order. When you call 911 you specify that he is a local Sheriff's Deputy and that you DO NOT want Sheriff's responding if they can send local PD or State Troopers instead.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, why are you even there? Just move out.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I don't have any place to go at the moment. I had a car that was paid for in which he convinced me to get a new car with a payment now so I can't afford a place of my own and to get health insurance on my own. I am working on getting a new job that has health insurance because the job I am at now doesn't offer insurance that I can afford. Being diabetic I have to have insurance.


turnera said:


> Honestly, why are you even there? Just move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sell the car and buy a used one. Or a motorcycle. Or a bicycle.

If you're unemployed, you can get get cheap insurance through the health care act website.


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## mlw11612 (Feb 20, 2013)

I will def look into all of these options. Thank you 


turnera said:


> Sell the car and buy a used one. Or a motorcycle. Or a bicycle.
> 
> If you're unemployed, you can get get cheap insurance through the health care act website.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're in America. You have more options than you ever dreamed possible. You just have to search for them. I know a former Continental airline pilot who got laid off, and found a bunch of grants and went back to college for four years on the government's dime! Anything is possible here.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

He can't remove you from any insurances until the divorce is final... 

CS is calculated in most states and circumstances as a percentage of your ability to pay. Many states include the income of both parents and ratio the percentage based on the number or percentage of overnights.

I brought up the child and CS because they are issues for you that you brought up. They, and your handling of them, are quite likely driving factors in the rest of the overall picture.

Getting along with the child's mother would likely help. But it's not required. From what you describe it's also not something you should bet on. You didn't have to do anything to her or be any particular sort of person. You are another woman filling some sort of role in her child's life. She also may not be over the situation with her ex. I've met women who are bat **** crazy even after they have remarried because they subconsciously feel they've marked the man and he is theirs. Had a restraining order on one of those not but 5 years ago.

These are all things that existed when you married. So why is it so much so soon? How rushed was this marriage?


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