# Need Advice



## feelaloneintx (Oct 23, 2012)

First, I want to thank all of you. This website has been very helpful, even though at times it makes R more difficult. I have lurked since 2012, and this is my first posting. 

Let me start off, I have not been a perfect husband over our 25 year marriage. Wife had a ONS the first part of May 2012 when she was on a business trip out of the country. From that point, it developed as an emotional affair that involved numerous phone calls, emails, texts, etc. between them. “I love you’s”, “soul mates”, “I can’t live without you”, etc. were exchanged between them. I discovered it at the end of July 2012 by noticing the cell phone bills. I then put on spyware on her laptop and found her secret email account. All 1800 emails (most like texts) were there so I was able to read everything in their own words from what happened at the ONS to their words of passion they shared up to that date.

I am pretty sure before that date, she has always been true to our marriage. I was shocked by her deception and handled it badly. It caught me off guard so that after the discovery, it was evident that I was upset and I could not hide it for long enough to develop a plan on how to respond. She apologized and it was very emotional. We started R at that point but did not consult with experts. She agreed to no contact with her AP. At some point after that date, I found this website and realized that I should have handled my response differently. 

In my heart, it did not feel like she was overly remorseful and that she would rather sweep it under the rug. She has been through some tough things in her life and that is how she has always dealt with them. Wanting to stay with her because of our family, I tried to be a better husband and pay more attention to her than I had in the past. R continued but at a very slow pace. I kept thinking about it and triggering from time to time.

In April 2013, her AP came to our area and he reached out to her to meet. She made the decision to meet him. By chance, I caught them in the middle of the meeting. Allegedly nothing happened. Since I was better educated on this area, I handled it much better. Told her we were over and she needed to move out. I was direct and non-emotional. I was planning to expose the AP to his spouse and traded emails with him to that effect (however, I did not disclose but thought about it many times and still prepared to execute on this). At the point of this discovery in April, I finally saw true remorse from her. She realized what she had destroyed and what she was losing. As a result, I decided we would try R one more time. Since I was more educated on the subject, at this point I was prepared to leave and felt that I had little to lose. The R went much better. She again agreed to no contact. We still did not get professional assistance, but everything was going well and my pain was diminishing because she was generally doing the right things. Not at the level I would have done if I was in that situation, but based on her history, she was trying and I thought sincere.

I kept up my diligence but the frequency of my diligence reduced because I was becoming less concerned. However, in June I noticed that she had done some internet searches on the AP and had reviewed his “linked in” profile along with other items. He also viewed her “linked in” profile. No emails to my knowledge have been exchanged between them. What do you think I should do? Confront at this time or just ignore it at this time but keep up my vigilance?

Since I have screwed up in the past, I want to make sure I handle this better. Thank you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You and I share a lot in common. Ever play baseball? Well...

Strike one! And you reconciled.

Strike two! And you reconciled. 

Strike three! Now what do you think you should do? For me, she struck out.

I suggest the same for you.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

You can't ignore it. It's probably just me, but I think she needs a little refresher at the very least. She could be just curious, but she's obviously still thinking about him and that's not only dangerous but it would be totally unacceptable to me. I would confront and she how she reacts, she obviously didn't get the message the last time.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Expose to OM's wife and also to selected family and friends.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm writing to you as someone who is a formerly Disloyal Spouse, and to me the fact that she is still curious and still even "peeking" at his anything means he is on her mind and in her thoughts. It is a GIGANTIC red flag to me, and I can honestly say I would *never *stand for it for one moment. Literally, not one. 

She is a grown, adult woman. She knows what she stands to lose and all she has to do is look and she knows what the cost could be. And yet knowing that cost, she made the knowing and deliberate choice to look! It's an effort to search... then click (I just mean, it's not like it automatically or accidentally would pop up), so there was some purposefulness involved. 

And I'm sorry but to me, it's not surprising she might have a momentary thought "pass through her mind" but if she was focused on recovering the marriage and repairing the damage she had done in the past, even as the thought passed through her mind, she'd say "NOOO!" and immediately do the work necessary to change her thoughts to you and resist the temptation. Her goal would be "HOLY SMOKE I am not going to do that again and just make more damage!" but rather "Oh no here I am trying to fix things with feelaloneintx and HE popped in my mind! Get outta there!" Right? 

Hey I don't mean this mean, but if it was that tempting at work, she could fake illness, go home, and let you know "Honey I am REALLY struggling with the temptation to look and I don't want to. I'm trying really hard to resist but it would really help if you'd talk to me for a while so I could think of you!" Right? 

She didn't! 

So see? It's not just a little red flag. It's BIG!! And I'd consider the very likely possibility they didn't end contact but either pushed it WAAAAAAY underground or did contact that is long and far between.

If I were in your shoes, I would pack several suitcases for her, have them waiting for her when she gets home, call her parents and tell them to "Come get their daughter because she's been looking at the OtherMan's social media and you will not be a cuckold," and then do not let her back home (except to pack things) until she has proven for six months that she is dedicated 100% of her AFFECTION AND LOYALTY to you and only you, and attended six months of INDIVIDUAL therapy to deal with her personal issues on her own...and demonstrated she can put into action a new way of coping with whatever. 

I'd also personally require she join you in Marriage Counseling AFTER the six months, but I'm also a pretty harda$$. To be honest, after two chances already, I'd be tempted to give up and divorce but I'm also a pretty forgiving person so we'll see. Now it's 100% all on her--YOU see her as dishonest and she would have to prove for a considerable amount of time that she *can be* honest. I don't believe it but I can also be patient and open-minded. 

Nonetheless the cost of adultery is losing your marriage, your family, your home, and all that comes with it. She's played with that cost TWICE now, and she doesn't believe you'll "make her pay." Time to pay up!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP ……. What are your instincts telling you?

You are the world’s leading authority on what you’re feeling.

I would listen to them before you seek advice from others.

If you are looking for someone to tell you give it one more chance, you're not likely to find it here.

55


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you have been too easy on her. 
If you want to give her another chance(most wouldn't) i suggest professional help and exposing the affair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Did you check her LinkedIn message box? Funny that they're both checking each others profiles. Either way there's still a third person in your marriage and she's less than 100% committed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The reason this POS still is sniffing around and the A potentially ready to flare back up is because you have not exposed to his BW.

Blow this f*cker's world and life up!

He will definitely have other things to worry about than sniffing around your WW.

Confront her about the searches...in my book the constitute a half-a**ed attempt at contact.

She evidently doesn't truly get the fact that NC is COMPLETE and FOREVER.,,,,you need to make her aware of that.

My take is POS started sniffing around again because you have left him untouched, and your WW is still harboring emotions for him.

This is another unfortunate result of you not exposing IMO...if you had told his BW, he almost assuredly would have thrown your WW under the bus to save his own a**.

Seeing her 'love' throw her under the bus would have opened your WW's eyes to what a POS this scumbag really is.

As it stands, she probably still retains an idealized picture of him.

Expose the POS and finally bring Fantasyland crashing down around both their heads, especially his.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> The reason this POS still is sniffing around and the A potentially ready to flare back up is because you have not exposed to his SW.
> 
> Blow this f*cker's world and life up!
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Read my story - link in my sig. I unknowingly caught my wife's 2 and a half year very physical affair after I thought she had come clean about an EA because she Googled the OM.

This is a bad sign and you need to get to the bottom of it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You should tell his wife and not because it might stop OM contacting your wife but because she deserves to know. You would want to be told right?

WS is not in R. Third time around and she is still looking him up knowing full well how that would make you feel. WS are the hardest people I know. 

She still wants him in her life. 

Perhaps you should let her have him.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If she's still traveling for work, you're screwed.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You've been here long enough to know the value of exposure and now you're finding the cost of declining to do so. 

One of you values your marriage far more than the other. The one that is fighting to keep it is the one who lacks the power to do so.


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## feelaloneintx (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you for taking time to read my story and for your responses. I appreciate it. I would like to confront her about it – at least the linkedin posting. My concern is that she would try and explain it away or apologize for the lapse. Whether I believe her response or not, she would now know that I am looking and it could drive her underground or make her better cover her tracks. She is not the most computer literate and it currently does not take much effort to track her. If she goes underground, it will become more difficult. Do you think the best policy is to confront on this lapse or wait for something more significant? I want to believe and move forward but I also do not want to be played. It is hard to trust so actions talk louder than words. I just want to know whether she is in or out, because I am willing to go on without her if she is not in.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's not in and she's not out. She's in when she wants to be and out when it suits her. Are you willing to live like this?

EXPOSE. But don't let her know. Don't warn the POS either. Just do it and wait to see what happens - that'll be more telling than anything else.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why dont you tell his wife? What are we missing here? You messed up in the very beginning and you are what, afraid of him? To break up an affair you have to tell the om's wife, period.

You do not tell your wife you are doing it. Then you wait andvsee what happens. You wait for your wifes reaction to see if shd comes at you like a banshee meaning they are still in contact. Then you go from there.

Actually, I would also tell her to sit down and discuss the the things she wants in the divorce. You are plan b, he wont leave his wife.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Still not too late to expose.

See, the man's wife knows nothing. And you on the side are open for reconciliation whenever she screws up. Why would they go no contact? There's nothing to stop them.

Let the man's wife know and observe how quickly your wife is thrown under the bus to save his own azz. The abrupt end for an affair.

An affair in which no one gets a free ride. Take the matter in your hand and act now.


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## feelaloneintx (Oct 23, 2012)

I will need to do a little more work to make sure I have good contact information for the AP’s wife. I thought I had located his wife’s email address in 2013 and had sent an email to it then, but he responded that he received it. Since the affair partner lives over 5k miles away and speaks a different native language, it is a little more difficult to make sure that I am actually communicating with her. I will need to translate it and send it in both languages along with getting other contact information (home address, phone number, other email addresses). He speaks English but not sure about her. But I will try. In the meantime, I guess I will not confront her and wait to see if she is hears from him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

feelaloneintx said:


> I will need to do a little more work to make sure I have good contact information for the AP’s wife. I thought I had located his wife’s email address in 2013 and had sent an email to it then, but he responded that he received it. Since the affair partner lives over 5k miles away and speaks a different native language, it is a little more difficult to make sure that I am actually communicating with her. I will need to translate it and send it in both languages along with getting other contact information (home address, phone number, other email addresses). He speaks English but not sure about her. But I will try. In the meantime, I guess I will not confront her and wait to see if she is hears from him.


Mexico?


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## feelaloneintx (Oct 23, 2012)

Europe


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I am going to petition the TAM rules committee to put in two new rules

1.Never ask a question which you don’t want to hear the answer.

2.Don’t ask for advice you are not willing to at least consider 

55


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would go to her and say "Wife, given that you've cheated twice now, what do you think I should do if I ever find out you've contacted AP again?" See what she says. Then say 'Well, guess what? I know you two have looked each other up. So I'm done. I'll help you pack, since you obviously care more about him than me. We'll have our lawyers meet later.'

Then kick her out. See what she does for the next 6 months. It will tell you all you need to now. Oh, and call her parents and tell them what she's done.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I see that you loaded "spyware" on your wife's computer; I'm assuming that this included a keylogger. Is she aware of this? Is it still active? Are you monitoring her phone/tablet at all?

Do you have a VAR in her vehicle?

You do know that it's possible to communicate w/ others via LinkedIn, correct?

And yes, expose the affair to OM's wife ASAP. Don't tell your wife that you're going to do it and certainly don't tell OM that you're going to do it, as doing either will only give OM "fair warning" and allow him to intercept any incoming communications addressed to his wife.

How old are the two of you?

What do the both of you do for work?

How many kids and how old?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Does your WW still travel for work?

That has to end.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

feelaloneintx said:


> . I was shocked by her deception and handled it badly. It caught me off guard so that after the discovery, it was evident that I was upset and I could not hide it for long enough to develop a plan on how to respond. She apologized and it was very emotional. We started R at that point but did not consult with experts. She agreed to no contact with her AP. At some point after that date, I found this website and realized that I should have handled my response differently.
> 
> In my heart, it did not feel like she was overly remorseful and that she would rather sweep it under the rug. She has been through some tough things in her life and that is how she has always dealt with them. Wanting to stay with her because of our family, I tried to be a better husband


Everything in your post says "I can control this". That's sad. You can't control this.

It has nothing to do with you being "a better husband" and little-to-nothing to do with how you "responded".


On the first point, saying somebody cheated because their "spouse was imperfect" makes about as much sense as saying somebody robbed a bank because their job sucked. Plenty of people have sucky jobs and don't rob banks.

And nobody has a perfect spouse. Part of mature love is understanding that your spouse is imperfect, but you have enough empathy toward them that you don't want to completely traumatize them, and you place real value on the life you have built together. More importantly, you value your own integrity enough not to lie and cheat because that crap reflects badly on you. People with high integrity don't cheat. Full stop. They do get divorced, but they don't cheat.

_"It takes 20 years to build a repution, and it takes 5 minutes to destroyy it. If you think about that, you will do things differently"--Warren Buffett._

Your wife's cheating reflects badly on her character. End of story. It says nothing about you. It says a lot about her, though. It tells everybody that she has little empathy or concern for how her behavior affects you, that she can be very underhanded and unethical, and she places so little value on her marriage that she's willing to risk it repeatedly.

On the second point, perhaps she's a risk-taker and "getting away with it" only taught her she can get away with it (the first bank robbery worked out, why not another?), but the bottom line is that her behavior was harmful, and that is something she knew, and she did it anyway just like somebody walking into a bank with a gun traumatizes everybody in that bank and puts them all at risk without any concern for others. 

In the end, none of this is within your control except what you are willing to put up with in your own life. It's not about teaching her anything (she's a grown woman, and if she hasn't learned it's not OK to do this stuff by now, it's probably not happening).

I am willing to bet that most banks and their customers don't send letters to bank robbers saying "We value your business" after the robbery.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Another item for you to do now is to isolate your finance from hers. Protect yours.

No joint debts, credit cards, bank accounts, etc.

Separate your assets (if you can).

Research your legal options and process. Talk to a few lawyers (as free consults).

Do these things now when your mind is still relatively clear and not stressed. When the sh!t hits, at least you would be prepared.

It's obvious she still has her lover entrenched in her head. That she is still thinking of him.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes if you're getting serious do free consults with as many lawyers in your area as possible, especially the really good ones. Once you have consulted with any particular lawyer she is now legally blocked from using their services. Kinda gives you a leg up.


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## feelaloneintx (Oct 23, 2012)

Responses: 
I am 54, wife is 51, married over 25 years, kids are in college or graduated from college, i am an executive, wife is business owner that requires international travel, spywear was removed from computer after we originally agreed to reconcile, i have hired an investigator in europe to obtain their home address.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why didn't you expose OM to his wife? Wasn't this a major mistake?

Your wife's latest transgression is very big. She was fishing. You should not reveal that you detected her. You should file for divorce and do the the 180. Ignore your wife. If she confronts you, say that you do not believe she is committed to R. At that point you can give her the D papers.

This time if she wants to save your marriage, you need to go to MC and let the counselor ask your wife why you have suddenly made this move. If she of her own volition confesses, then you have the possibility of genuine R. But she will not come clean, what is the point?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Why didn't you expose OM to his wife? Wasn't this a major mistake?
> 
> Your wife's latest transgression is very big. She was fishing. You should not reveal that you detected her. You should file for divorce and do the the 180. Ignore your wife. If she confronts you, say that you do not believe she is committed to R. At that point you can give her the D papers.
> 
> This time if she wants to save your marriage, you need to go to MC and let the counselor ask your wife why you have suddenly made this move. If she of her own volition confesses, then you have the possibility of genuine R. But she will not come clean, what is the point?


100% agree w/ all of ^this.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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