# question for reconcelation spouses



## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen. 
I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sorry you are here Sammy... this road is far from fun...I think you are correct, we just learn to live with it...

-sammy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sammy7111 said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen.
> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
> one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.


Sammy the rules are that whilst we can be critical of cheaters or former cheaters, we should avoid being cruel and rude.

It helps keep TAM a calmer, less angry place.

Because as we all know there's enough righteous anger here, with what we went through or are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sammy7111 said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen.
> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
> one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.


As far as I know (from my searching), there really is no "answer". Lots of suggestions on how to cope, but the sad truth is "learning to live with it" is about as close to an answer as you'll get.

Pretty great dish you've been served up, eh?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

With the exception of unusual circumstances that led to the betrayal, you never get over it. Ever. You just bear it and live with the pain.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sammy7111 said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen.
> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
> one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.



In a word - Remorse. True Remorse.

I have read posts from former WSs on here who are currently attempting to repair the damage done in their marriages by their betrayal, and the central theme is that they are truly and completely remorseful and committed to their spouses. They will answer the hard questions posed to them and from their answers one gets a sense that they are willing to "face their demons" in order to fully understand the depth of pain they inflicted upon their BSs and are committed to repairing that damage.

Then there are others where one gets a sense that their betrayal has become some sort of "badge" that they wear making them "special". Sure, they respond with the right words, but if you look a little deeper, they are merely using their status as WSs as a form of control and attention seeking, and display their narcissist tendencies within their posts, because in their eyes "it's all about me".

Had my former spouse shown true remorse, as in the first group I mentioned, we would probably still be married today. In my case, it was the latter, the "narcissist" that killed the marriage completely. There would always be the question of motive and trust, and I could never rely on his words or actions to reveal a sincere regret for what he did to me by cheating.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

You'll never have those answers, and the ad part is that applies to any other relationships you will have in your life from what I have experienced so far (granted this is just my experience and all I can speak from and have no idea if this is the norm) because I suspect and see possibilities of betrayal in everyone from this point on. That is a hard pill to swallow.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

sammy7111 said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen.
> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
> one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.


How do you get over the cheating? Not sure if you do...

How do you know they'll never cheat again? You don't. No one is safe, no relationship is completely safe, and that's maybe the biggest lesson you learn from going through this. You're not safe if you stay with your partner. You're not safe if you leave. It's about accepting that risk, minimizing it, and doing what you need to do to be happy + move on with your life.

I agree - they can't know what it's like to be in our shoes. Each BS is hurt in their own way, but to be hurt by someone you loved and trusted is universally painful. For me... 14 years love and trust, not to mention another marriage, were irreparably harmed... and for what? Selfishness and cheap thrills... "love."


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Despite the movie you cannot Fireproof your marriage. I am not sure she will not cheat again but I do see the pain she is enduring. It is a different pain then mine but it is there.

I will always be a bit on edge and I doubt I will ever really stop checking up on her from time to time.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes. It is possible. 

You learn to love yourself, take care of your needs, as result have whole and complete life without codependency. 

And then you can look at cheating as one of the million things that can go wrong during life. 

Truth to be said there is nothing I depend on my partner.


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

forgive; but never forget....

i went back and asked all the hard questions i didn't want to know the answers to. the why's were the big ones.

i asked my wife "how can you be so sure you'd never cheat again?"

her reply was that nothing could be worth all the pain and suffering that would be brought into our lives. no other man/sex/fantasy world would be worth the pain it'd cause me/our kids/our family/friends....

i think it's dangerous to say someone would never cheat...given the proper circumstances; anyone could cheat. i think the real key is being aware of that and not putting yourself in those positions.

i think my wife has done a great job of this in the 7yrs since dday.

i think living with the shame...the knowledge of the pain and suffering she caused me...is probably pretty darn tough for her to live with too. 

we honstly don't talk about it much anymore....but when we do; i can tell how much it bothers her; not bc of her own shame/guilt so much as she knows it hurts me to bring it back up. 

i do feel that you can go for long periods of time where it just isn't an issue. it's like remembering that old crappy first car you had...it's a part of your past; you can remember it; but it isn't involved in your day to day.

it just takes time.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

StuckInAL said:


> forgive; but never forget....
> 
> i went back and asked all the hard questions i didn't want to know the answers to. the why's were the big ones.
> 
> ...


But it never fully goes away. When someone cheats they open up a pandoras box and can not control what will happen next. They can say and do all the right things but the damage.is done. The thing about infidelity is it is like a wound that will flair up every so often. Can you live with it and move on ? Sure, but reminders will pop up from time to time for the rest of your life. No spouse, no matter how bad the wayward perceives the marriage to be, deserves this.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> In a word - Remorse. True Remorse.
> 
> I have read posts from former WSs on here who are currently attempting to repair the damage done in their marriages by their betrayal, and the central theme is that they are truly and completely remorseful and committed to their spouses. They will answer the hard questions posed to them and from their answers one gets a sense that they are willing to "face their demons" in order to fully understand the depth of pain they inflicted upon their BSs and are committed to repairing that damage.
> 
> ...


That describes a lot of cheaters. The tryly remorseful ones should be enoucraged in their efforts to be better people.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Ts..sadly..you are right. No matter what...it comes back to bite you in the arse every now and then


Mrs.JA I was thinking about this question today given a certain situation that is going on in my family. My life seems to be filled with this stuff. I know of 13 couples off the top of my head whose marriages have been infected with this. The aftereffects were very similar. Some reconciled, some divorced, and some stayed together because of money but the affair always lurked in the background. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly but I hope you get my gist.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sammy, you can never know anything for sure. Do you realize how many cheaters are never caught? People go through their lives believing something that isn't true and are happy. This is a case of what they don't know doesn't hurt them.

So they find out 10 years later that they were cheated on. Were they really happy during that time? Yes. They were. Are they happy now? Nope. Does the previous 10 years get trained? Yup. But the truth is they were still happy.

Some people can go through that and see evidence that they were not cheated on again and that most of that period was as they believe it to be. They can weigh and balance and accept that there is no guarantee in life. They can choose to believe their spouse learned and regretted and has become truly a part of the reality of a happy and faithful marriage.

Others cannot.

The partner can do everything right and something within us says never again. The risk is too high. That's an individual thing and knowing yourself is the only key to making the decision to stay or go.

If you are someone who holds on to past hurts and especially if you have been hurt a lot in the past, admit the truth and let go.

If you keep trying because of other issues - fear of being alone, admitting failure, admitting you were cheated on, etc. - recognize your individual problems and try to face them. You can't run from this stuff. It won't let you.

And if the cheater simply follows the script and never gets off of it, know in your brain that they will cheat again and that they have a personality defect that no amount of your love will fix.

The simplest thing to do is cut your losses and move on no matter what. Cheating is a huge sign the person has problems. 

Never marry someone who has cheated on you. That's my number one rule. Never ever!

Cheating early in marriage= automatic divorce.

After 7 or so years, there is more to consider.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Ts....my husband most likely does not have one single day that it at least does not cross his mind. He doesn't dwell on it...it doesn't control him...he doesn't go into deep depression...but it still happens. Thirty years....
> 
> I also think about it..and I want to make it perfectly clear...I never have a fond memory of it...there is nothing that happened that makes me smile or makes me happy...not for a fleeting second. The other day someone eluded to that and I will confess...it infuriated me.
> 
> ...


I do not doubt your sincerity, that is what makes you so rare and special. In fact what brought me to TAM was the fact that there has been a lot of this in my own family. My head was spinning at one point. Then my relationship happened and that was the icing on the cake. To be honest marriage scares the hell out of me at this point.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Ts....my husband most likely does not have one single day that it at least does not cross his mind. He doesn't dwell on it...it doesn't control him...he doesn't go into deep depression...but it still happens. Thirty years....
> 
> I also think about it..and I want to make it perfectly clear...I never have a fond memory of it...there is nothing that happened that makes me smile or makes me happy...not for a fleeting second. The other day someone eluded to that and I will confess...it infuriated me.
> 
> ...


That in itself has to be hard, given the feelings you both still have from time to time. Damn, 30 years... goes to show it really is something that never goes away. I'm one year in and not sure if I want to go any further.

From what I've read, you seem to be a good voice for the reconciliation/WW side of things. Thanks for posting.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Really? You never separate a moment with the other man and know that it was fun? Compartmentalizing I guess. On its face, whatever it was, say a shared joke or a trip somewhere or maybe a gift they gave you made you feel good... 

I understand that in total the affair was a disaster. But surely it had it's moments.

How to reconcile that would be my biggest internal issue. Cause of it were just a previous boyfriend you would be able to hold some moments fondly. Because it was an affair you have to perform mental gymnasts to only see the overall pain caused and to face your own moral value and hold this negative above else. On the whole that is the way it is. But to deny any good memories seems somewhat dishonest.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You move quick! Yeah, in a twisted way you have it easier than some because you can only look at the high and not see a lingering build up of an emotional bond.

As far as cheating goes, this is weird but I bet a lot of reformed cheaters envy you. They have to walk a far more difficult landmine of memories in order to remain politically correct or appear remorseful. 

You got all of the blame and none of the bliss.

:-$ this is a very weird post. Just writing it makes my brain confused.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My sick mind... Gotta watch how you turn a phrase!!!

You set yourself up for some reason. Maybe a lack of belief that you were reading the situation right. Long time ago. 

It kind of sucks because it illustrates how we can't trust ourselves when we are curious about something. Just being curious makes us vulnerable. Anything that is unusual or surprising or that causes us to wonder can make us take steps that make us even more vulnerable. 

This is a good lesson.

I think it goes to the heart of the thread.

You can't trust yourself to know everything and do everything right. So you can never trust anyone else to that extent either. Given that knowledge you have to weigh based on lessons learned and other character traits and decide.

Shoot, even a good risk to me is difficult to get past. My h cheated on his ex wife in multiple situations and there is other stuff and I can see how much he has changed and the things he has done and continues to do to demonstrate he is not that same guy but I will never ever in a million years trust him. I mostly believe he has changed. But any amount of doubt is difficult for me. Wish I hadn't found out or that I hadn't married him. Either one.

He has done more to make up to me what he did to his ex than he ever did to her. I've not required he tell her. I don't even know that he should. I dont know. He told his father. 

I'm a lot better with it than I used to be but he will always be a cheater to me and I will never trust him.

That I stayed after learning makes me wonder if I would stay if he cheated on me. Probably not. Homicide is more likely. But the doubt is there anyway.

Sammy, do you hold on to old hurts?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Mrs. John Adams*
> Ts....my husband most likely does not have one single day that it at least does not cross his mind. He doesn't dwell on it...it doesn't control him...he doesn't go into deep depression...but it still happens. Thirty years....



As has been said 100 times,” everyone handles betrayal differently”

*My wife’s betrayal does not cross my mind every day or every week and sometimes not even every month*. It did cross my mind a lot in the first several years but it is now 27 years since d-day and the only time that it crosses my mind is when I am on this TAM board and then rarely. Most of the time when I am reading and posting on TAM I do not remember the betrayal with pain because I am concentrating on other thoughts.* Sure, if I sat down and allowed myself to imagine all the positions and details it would hurt but I am not a masochist.*


I do not doubt Mrs. Adams statement one bit that Mr. Adams most likely has the betrayal cross his mind every single day. However, Mr. Adams is a great example of how a BS can handle infidelity for YEARS!!!! To me Mr. Adams has more credibility (30 years) than anyone on TAM in the area of CWI. Although I am amazed at B1 for his attitude and actions he only has 2 years but in those two years he is a champion in the area of R.
I admire both Mr. Adams and B1 in this area.


*The point I am trying to make is that it is possible that the BS does not have to be greatly troubled by the affair every day or even every week.*




*PS
Mrs. John Adams and EI are great examples of how a WS treats the BS to help with R.*


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How the person handled their problems before they were betrayed is a good indication of how they will likely handle betrayal.

My guess is that Mr JA learned to let things go and not dwell on negative thoughts. He is probably productive in life just as you are Mr. Blunt. 

We only have so many CPU cycles to spare. If you are blessed by not being an obsessive thinker you have a lot more capacity to put to good use!

That's another good reason not to struggle to stay married if your brain just isn't built for letting go. It wastes too much time.


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## wls (Jul 22, 2010)

I can say, and my husband knows me for who I am, that I am not a "cheater". I would gave never in a million years cheated on him, I did try to do the divorce, I don't go out I have never been the girl who dates around. My husband was my 2nd bf in high school, only once we broke up for over a year and I dated the OM now back then for 7 months. I know and others know that I am a committed person with everything in my life, sadly this was a bad choice and I will always regret it and how it was handled. My husband has said over and over he knows if we were to get through this I wouldn't cheat, I don't go looking for things. Yes I wanted a complete family which my husband couldn't/wouldn't do. He lied cheated u name it and I stood thru that. I finally had it and wanted a divorce. I didn't plan on ever really seeing anyone false, no excuse, and then it all got out of control with my husband not wanting the divorce, not coming home and allowing everything to happen. It's been a mental mind f*** for me. Doesn't make me right, and never will I go thru thus again. We all carry labels, I hate mines liar and cheater. My husband carries many, all he denies.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

I'm hAppy for those that can r but I can't get over how people can try and take blame for there spouse cheating. My question is way do you feel like you have to change because your spouses cheated it's kind of like your justify there cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

wls said:


> *I can say, and my husband knows me for who I am, that I am not a "cheater"*. I would gave never in a million years cheated on him, I did try to do the divorce, I don't go out I have never been the girl who dates around. My husband was my 2nd bf in high school, only once we broke up for over a year and I dated the OM now back then for 7 months. I know and others know that I am a committed person with everything in my life, sadly this was a bad choice and I will always regret it and how it was handled. My husband has said over and over he knows if we were to get through this I wouldn't cheat, I don't go looking for things. Yes I wanted a complete family which my husband couldn't/wouldn't do. He lied cheated u name it and I stood thru that. I finally had it and wanted a divorce. I didn't plan on ever really seeing anyone false, no excuse, and then it all got out of control with my husband not wanting the divorce, not coming home and allowing everything to happen. It's been a mental mind f*** for me. Doesn't make me right, and never will I go thru thus again. *We all carry labels, I hate mines liar and cheater. *My husband carries many, all he denies.


So which is it to you? Your statements are contradictory regarding this. 

If you cheated (and you admit in your post that you have had an OM for 5.5+ years), whether it went physical or not, it is cheating and you are a cheater! Stop talking in circles and own your actions and choices, just as he should own his. This is the first step to reconciling and healing, realizing your wrongs and owning them so you may move on.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> "The Dance" by Garth Brooks ......
> 
> Holding you I held everything
> For a moment wasn't I a king
> ...


I could have sat the song out and waited for the next dance partner in my case.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sammy, there is the cheating and then there are other legitimate issues in a marriage. If he hadn't cheated would those things still be issues? Meaning, are the changes you are faced with necessary for you to be a healthy person and for the relationship to be healthy or are they lame excuses for his cheating?

Lame excuse: You won't wear a thong and heals like women in porn. If you did that I never would have cheated.

Legitimate request: The years of disrespectful arguing eroded my love for you. Will you please do what it takes to learn to fight fairly?

What type of changes are you being asked to make? 

If they are just changes to make the selfish cheater happy then all you would be doing is bolstering the contention that he cheated because of you.

If they are changes that will make you a better wife and person then consider doing it regardless of whether you stay married.

If they are in between that's a place for negotiation and possibly compromise. 

In the short term you should call all the shots. But to heal will always require both people to change. Legitimate grievances should be addressed as soon as you have reason to believe they are not still cheating, are completely transparent, you have all the info you need, they are making big changes without compaint, and they are behaving consistently.


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

sammy7111 said:


> I'm hAppy for those that can r but I can't get over how people can try and take blame for there spouse cheating. My question is way do you feel like you have to change because your spouses cheated it's kind of like your justify there cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i can't speak for others; but i dont accept any blame for the infidelity...however; i do accept my role in our crappy/subpar marriage before the A.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

johnAdams said:


> "The Dance" by Garth Brooks ......
> 
> Holding you I held everything
> For a moment wasn't I a king
> ...


Well said, sir.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

sammy7111 said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own? how do you know they will never cheat again they already proving they can cheat. how do you go own not thanking about it years after it happen.
> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.
> one more comment I love the comments cheaters say like if you don't have anything good to say don't saying. really you try being the betrayed spouse and see if you still feel the sameway.


(I did not read all the replies. so if I echo another poster sorry)

I am not over being cheated on, yet, not sure if I ever will be. There is no way of being 100% certain they will not cheat again. I am taking a risk but the boundaries and consequences are spelled out really well for my H. There will not be another chance for a mistake (understatement of the year) like cheating. 

I think living with it is right. It is like when a loved one passes away. It hurts forever but as time goes by you learn to carry the burden of that pain with less effort to do so. It does not leave you. You just learn to live with it. I hope forgivness takes more weight from it as I am still working on it. 

Well that is my take on it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by sammy7111 *
> please explain how you can get over been cheated own?


Get yourself as self sufficient as possible.
Build yourself up body, mind, and spirit.
Learn to forgive so that you can benefit by being free from negative emotions







> how do you know they will never cheat again?


You can never know that





> how do you go on not thinking about it years after it happen?


Realize that life is not always fair in this world. Concentrate on OTHER areas in life that are very important and fulfilling. Being cheated on is not the only thing that is in life. You can learn to control your thoughts.





> I don't believe that you can never really r you just learn to live with it.


Learning to live with it, becoming more self-sufficient, building yourself up, living a good life with contentment, forgiving, and keeping it from being a detrimental factor in your life is R!


I am a betrayed spouse


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was in R for 30 years before DD2. I wondered during those years if he would cheat again and he eventually did (with the same AP). There was no third chance. It wasn't until after the divorce that I finally forgave him -- I didn't really forgive him during those 30 years although I thought I had. Do I feel I could have been a better wife? Absolutely. Does he feel I could have been a better wife? No. He takes all the blame. 

I love him now as a friend. And I'm glad he's still in my life. But I'm grateful -- very grateful -- I'm no longer married to him. And I'm extremely cynical about R. For some it works. For me it didn't. And I can't get those 30 years back.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sorry that happened to you Openminded.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So what is being asked of you Sammy? What can't you accept?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My marriage pre-affair was in a bad place, which falls on both me and WW. WW cheating falls on her completely. I believe people can change, as I did from a teenage punk headed to prison most likely to a respectable young man. My change was a lifetime ago but proof that people can change. Reconciliation is to me a leap of faith. Say I divorced WW, remarried someone else and she cheats. I know WW far better than any new relationship. So while her cheating destroyed me it also made me a stronger man. Will WW cheat again? Nobody can answer this not even my WW. But through MC I hope we build a wall to male advances and she doesn't allow him in. I may forgive her yet I may not. I may stay, and I may divorce. I am almost at six months from d-day so a little early in reconciliation to really know that answer. I do know that reconciliation is never ending, it may be easier to live with down the road. 

Reconciliation is hard work but I'm hoping the reward is a happy, stronger marriage. The changes reconciliation brings to me and WW are challenging also. WW is a different person as I am also. For me, gone is the do anything for anyone, fun loving prankster, who enjoyed making people laugh. That was replaced by rage, sarcasm, and hate. On the outside I'm a live human being but my insides are dead. Why reconciliation? There are no guarantees in a relationship. This could happen with anyone I have a relationship with. I think the chances WW cheats again are nil. WW has endured pain during this time also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Man drift she has destroyed you don't you see you would be better of without her not everyone is the same I would ruther try a new person with hope that she want cheat then be with someone that will. 
And I'm sorry but as for as cheating making a marriage strong that's the bigs lie we tell are self . Once there caught there caught there's no not knowing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

drifting on said:


> For me, gone is the do anything for anyone, fun loving prankster, who enjoyed making people laugh. That was replaced by rage, sarcasm, and hate. _Posted via Mobile Device_


i know what you mean. i'm 7 yrs past dday and well into R and since all the blow up; i find it hard to trust people in general. i don't make friends easily. im skeptical of people's true intent vs their stated opinions/intentions. i just seemed to have developed this "in general....people suck" attitude. 

my fww had some pretty sh!tty friends back then and they showed their true colors when we started putting our marriage back together....this only solidified my opinion of people in general.

D or R; i don't think it would have any impact on how my personality changed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sammy7111 said:


> Man drift she has destroyed you don't you see you would be better of without her not everyone is the same I would ruther try a new person with hope that she want cheat then be with someone that will.
> And I'm sorry but as for as cheating making a marriage strong that's the bigs lie we tell are self . Once there caught there caught there's no not knowing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sammy

My story is actually far worse than I have stated. WW has one chance, I have one chance to see if this can work. Married 19 years and together 25 I will offer one chance. I read stories here like Mr & Mrs John Adams and see hope for reconciliation. Don't get me wrong I also respect Missthelove for his way of handling his marriage. Deal breakers are different for everyone and mine was taken to the limit and WW is being given one chance. WW is also working very hard and quite honestly I'm shocked she hasn't walked away herself. It's hard, the pain is immense at times but sometimes I manage to smile. I hope to become a person a not so bitter and filled with pain, to laugh and be happy again. I miss what I was as do my friends, but I have told nobody of WW infidelity. With the exception of OMW and MC I have told nobody. 

I focused on OM for the invasion on my family. Contacted OM wife causing him grief. Also went after his employment and he is now unemployed. Not done with OM yet but taking a break before I launch my next offensive. As for WW she has now seen my cold and calculating side that she was never to see. Funny how infidelity can do that. Our MC therapist is very good. Maybe we can make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

As for marriage being stronger is because we are working on it. It's not stronger because of infidelity only that we are addressing issues pre-affair. Infidelity in my mind only destroys.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

StuckInAL said:


> i know what you mean. i'm 7 yrs past dday and well into R and since all the blow up; i find it hard to trust people in general. i don't make friends easily. im skeptical of people's true intent vs their stated opinions/intentions. i just seemed to have developed this "in general....people suck" attitude.
> 
> my fww had some pretty sh!tty friends back then and they showed their true colors when we started putting our marriage back together....this only solidified my opinion of people in general.
> 
> D or R; i don't think it would have any impact on how my personality changed.


Stuck

I've read part of your thread but I will go and read it now. I'm sorry you have to go through this as it is literally walking through he!!. My WW's friends don't know of her infidelity but it must have been hard that her friends were toxic. For me I can make friends my problem is they I trust no one now. If I went grocery shopping I would joke with customers in each aisle. Since infidelity reared its ugly head I want to hit everyone with my cart to get them out of the way. Humor was a big part of my life and infidelity killed it. I see a couple walking and holding hands and immediately try to figure which of the two is having an affair. WW destroyed me to my core, my beliefs, and my confidence. Slowly some things have returned which I now know I'll survive but it really sucks. I wish you the best Stuck and good luck .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

adrharh said:


> please explain how you can get over been cheated own?


Whomever answers this question would be a millionaire. We all do what's best for us which may not work for someone else. For me it's time, and therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Sorry that happened to you Openminded.


Thank you, clipclop. It's not the life I thought it would be. But the old saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is true. I'm much stronger -- and much happier -- now but it was a very hard road to get here.


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Stuck
> 
> I've read part of your thread but I will go and read it now. I'm sorry you have to go through this as it is literally walking through he!!. My WW's friends don't know of her infidelity but it must have been hard that her friends were toxic. For me I can make friends my problem is they I trust no one now. If I went grocery shopping I would joke with customers in each aisle. Since infidelity reared its ugly head I want to hit everyone with my cart to get them out of the way. Humor was a big part of my life and infidelity killed it. I see a couple walking and holding hands and immediately try to figure which of the two is having an affair. WW destroyed me to my core, my beliefs, and my confidence. Slowly some things have returned which I now know I'll survive but it really sucks. I wish you the best Stuck and good luck .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i remember just being amazed at how my wife couldn't see how "bad" all these decisions she was making were....we've discussed it and from her perspective it was like another person was doing it; she's just not that person any longer.

someone once posted re: an attempt to explain how a BS feels....to a WS; b/c im of the opinion that they really have no idea (and can't know) the pain/suffering/damage they cause without suffering it themselves.....anyway...the post relayed a thought that after infidelity, the person you knew is pretty much dead. they just cease to exist and are replaced by this ugly evil twin....sure, they can change again...back to someone like they were before (in my case; better), but that person from when you were first married; gone. period.

it's a bit easier to deal w/the pain/suffering if you can accept that those wounds were inflicted by someone other than who you sleep next to at night.

i can also honestly say that i'm a stronger person now than before the A. if she slipped back off the high ground and cheated again; i know now that i could leave her. i could live my life without her. it'd hurt like hell; but i could do it. first time around...nah...i didn't have it in me...or was too afraid of what my life would be like without her. partly because we've been together sooo long. i'm only 36 (she's 37) and we've been togther for over half our lives. 

for the most part; i like to think i'm "back" to my old self...on the outside. i laugh. i goto parties. i go out w/her and friends. i have fun...but i'm ever vigilant against situations where i could be hurt again. my guard is up 95% of the time.

to cut the rambling short; i really do think it can and does get better...with time.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

I'm sorry guys but if there cheating changes you that much I can't see staying with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sammy7111 said:


> I'm sorry guys but if there cheating changes you that much I can't see staying with them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sammy
Infidelity changes everyone, reaction to infidelity is what you choose. For me divorce is just a different kind of pain. It's trading pain and problems from one to another. I'm not stuck by any means but reconciliation is her one chance. If it works it could be something we both benefit from. If it fails then we took our beating and part ways. I hope it works, WW says it will work. Only time will tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

stay or leave; the change is there....

it's pretty understandable to have trust issues after this severe a betrayal.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

StuckInAL said:


> i remember just being amazed at how my wife couldn't see how "bad" all these decisions she was making were....we've discussed it and from her perspective it was like another person was doing it; she's just not that person any longer.
> 
> someone once posted re: an attempt to explain how a BS feels....to a WS; b/c im of the opinion that they really have no idea (and can't know) the pain/suffering/damage they cause without suffering it themselves.....anyway...the post relayed a thought that after infidelity, the person you knew is pretty much dead. they just cease to exist and are replaced by this ugly evil twin....sure, they can change again...back to someone like they were before (in my case; better), but that person from when you were first married; gone. period.
> 
> ...


Stuck,

Wow is all I can say. I think I married your wife's sister!! My WW had no idea the consequences of her choices. WW is very remorseful that she destroyed two families, her spouse (me) and the severity of those choices. I think she knew I would walk when I had my d-day. I don't know why but for some reason I offered her reconciliation. WW has worked very hard at repairing the damage she caused and meeting my needs. Haven't quite figured out why but that will come in therapy. WW said she was a different person also but I remind her she sat next to me for six months carrying on this affair. Yet I never noticed that other person. Appeared to me to be the same person which is honestly quite scary. How can you lie and deceive without any change? I am also vigilant through technology. I never advised her how I knew. However I found out two and a half years after the affair ended. All that did was make my rage more effective towards OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

This thread has had one of the most useful discussions I have read in weeks. Thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives, as I have been struggling with many of these same thoughts and issues -- 10 months since D-day for me. Married 30 years, wife and I in process of R.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is there a reason you won't answer my question Sammy?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Sammy, there is the cheating and then there are other legitimate issues in a marriage. If he hadn't cheated would those things still be issues? Meaning, are the changes you are faced with necessary for you to be a healthy person and for the relationship to be healthy or are they lame excuses for his cheating?
> 
> Lame excuse: You won't wear a thong and heals like women in porn. If you did that I never would have cheated.
> 
> ...


Great Question, Clipclop2! :smthumbup:

It seems that your question would reveal whether the marriage is worthy of repair (or not). 

"I'm sorry" is never enough. "I'll never do it again" would be nice, however there seems to be conditions attached; that is to say that both the BS and WS need to work on their issues to become strong and solid again. If that is not possible (or one sided) then the marriage is doomed.

In my situation, what was "required" of me, the BS, was one-sided, as it would only benefit my narcissistic Ex, therefore I refused to comply and opted for the divorce.

First thing he wanted was for me to quit my current job and find a better paying job with benefits, including insurance. Why? So he could quit his job and retire early (and thus giving him more time for his "hobbies" (cheating). That was not going to happen.

Then, of course, he wanted sex every day. So, after I have commuted to my new job and worked all day while he was pursuing his "hobbies", somehow I was supposed to feel love and interest for him (knowing he probably spent his day chatting/texting/meeting/dating other women). Of course, in his narcissistic eyes, I was also supposed to fight for him and compete with the OW in order to "win him back". That was not going to happen either.

And that is why my choice was to divorce. I leave him with his inflated ego while I am now free to be myself. And as for his "pursuits", I hear he is not doing so well...lol


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