# Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month. 
I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
Any advice?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
> He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month.
> I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
> What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
> Any advice?


Vindictive? Not sure what he's told them? That he is "friends" with another woman while married to you? That he has kept this OWs identity from you?

You are his wife. Unless the OW is a "friend of the family" (both of you) then this is an affair.

Heck yeah! Expose! Tell everyone about the texting. If the OW has a spouse, tell him too. No need for you to keep this "secret" to protect your H and this OW. It doesn't make sense that you would protect them.

Yes, if you want to save your marriage, you need to expose the affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if OW is married the best exposure is to tell her husband


you can also set some hard boundaries, letting him know that you will not be married in a 3 person marriage and unless he goes no contact, is completely transparent, gives you the entire truth and shows remorse that you will file for D


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

What kind of phone is it? Is it password protected? Have you asked to see the text messages? Can you ever get 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time with his phone? (you have to have the password if he locks it)

Check out software called Mobile Spy (Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone) it is the best cell phone monitoring tool out there. PM me if you have specific questions about the software.

Do you know who the Other Woman (OW) is? Is the OW married, or in a relationship? If you can find out who she is, and then expose the EA (emotional affair) to her partner, it will go a long way to helping you deal with this issue.

You must have hard irrefutable proof before you confront him further or attempt to expose the affair to anyone. Have you looked at the phone longs? Does he call her as well as text? If he calls her too, you need to go purchase several Voice Activated Recorders (VARs) they can be purchased at any office supply store, on-line, or at big retailers like Walmart, for under $50 each. Velcro one of the VARs under the drivers seat of his car, review what it records. You can replace the VAR with one of the others while you are reviewing it for inappropriate conversations. 

Install monitoring software on any and all computers he has access to. You can find a good list of various monitoring programs here: Monitoring Software Review 2012 | Best Computer Monitoring Software | Monitor Activities on Your Computer - TopTenREVIEWS

Basically you need hard evidence before you do anything else. You need to prevent him from taking things underground. You will also have a much higher chance of blowing up his EA if you can show hard proof of inappropriate conversations to his family, friends, and co-workers, without proof, you could be made to look like a controlling, paranoid, jealous spouse. 

A major component and draw of an affair is the secrecy involved in having one. You most definitely can and should ruin the affair, and the best way to do that is to remove the secrecy by exposing it. Once you have proof, and know more about the OW, you will have little difficulty in making things uncomfortable for them both. Best of luck to you, and please keep us posted.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while. 
I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
She's divorced, and he has said he feels bad that she's alone with two kids and unemployed, so he helps out when he can.
Unfortunately, since she's divorced I can't tell on her. And I'm sure her family already knows as they (the OW, as well as my husband and her family) all bowl together.
It just feels so ... nasty to tattle on him. I know he's hurting me and my family (the kids have also complained about the attention he gives her family.)
Should I tell him, give her up or I tell? Or do I just tell his family and let him hate me?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
> I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
> I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
> *However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
> ...


WTF????

So whilst you are at work, he's " helping " this * damsel in distress * and texting her phone and *YOU PAY THE BILLS?*

You need to reconfigure the boundaries and set new rules....
If he's unemployed and she's unemployed then you are in control. Stop begging him and demand that he cuts off all contact.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
> I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
> I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
> However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
> ...


Excuse me? "Tattle on HIM"? You are his wife, and if she is coming over to YOUR house (while I assume you are at work supporting him) in all likely hood, they are having sex. So the question here is whether you want it over or not?

You realize that you do need to stand up for yourself and your marriage if you have any expectation at all of making this marriage work. You will have to play "hard ball" and actually DEMAND no contact with this OW, no compromise. In order to accomplish this, you will have to be willing to end the marriage if he chooses to continue with this OW. There is no other choice.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Im at a loss for words. Why on earth would you want to be protecting this dysfunctional behavior? By "telling on him" you send a clear message that the dysfunctional behavior he is engaging in will not be tolerated. You really should not be comfortable with your husband spending time alone with another woman, especially a single woman, especially a single woman that is having an affair with him. 

Get his phone while he is asleep. Maybe serve him a few drinks at dinner or something along those lines. You need to see the text messages, and get copies of them. Since he spends time alone with her at your house, you need to place VARs in the rooms where you think they are spending time to record their conversations. 

You need to set an example for your kids. Not standing up for yourself or your marriage is sending them the wrong messages. Your husband is acting inappropriately on many levels. This needs to stop. Now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop being afraid

by putting your foot down, so to speak, you get your answer

he either goes NC, is transparent and shows remorse and you can consider R

or he doesn't and you know that you lost him already

the answer is already present, it's just a matter of finding it


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
I am glad you found us. What you need to understand is that is the largest threat to your emotional, financial and importantly your future. Right now he has zero respect for you, he has shown this by telling you to not worry about it. He is in the FOG. In other words he wants, or already has got into her pants. he doesn't think this, he is rescuing her. This must stop and sto now if you have any chance of avoiding Divorce.
She is Divorced so exposure there is useless. His family need to know what he is doing. Yes, he will be very angry with you because you are taking away his fantasy. 
Expose. Do it now.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Ugh.
Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
I did NOT know about the OW.
This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
I just spent the last half hour in the rest room losing my breakfast, so yeah, I'm scared. (And considering I'm at work, extremely embarrassed.)
But you are all right. Would I want my daughter to act the way I'm acting? No. Would I want my son to think this is an appropriate way for a man to act? No.
So. I guess what it comes down to is do I confront him tonight with just the few facts I have (number of text messages, and reports from kids), or do I spend a day or two finding out more?
And do I confront him and then tell everyone or the other way around?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> Ugh.
> Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
> I did NOT know about the OW.
> This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
> ...


Miss,
It is already having a negative effect on you !
You are already blaming yourself for his indiscretions.
It is a man's duty to provide for and protect his family.
You have now become the bread winner, because of unfortunate circumstances, *and you still have to fend off this scabrous,scandalous and malicious other woman's incursions into YOUR family?*
That is CRAZY .....

This is NOT a time to be afraid!!!! This is YOUR husband, YOUR family...
Let this woman go target some other man...
She should be afraid,NOT YOU!

Your kids have already been negatively affected,that is why they told you about it!

You already have enough evidence IMO [ I may be wrong],
Confront him NOW, and STAND FIRM.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hell by the sheer fact he won't show you the texts or his phone speaks volumes to what it actually is, I suppose the evidence gathering that I would want to do is to see if it has gone PA


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> Ugh.
> Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
> I did NOT know about the OW.
> This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
> ...


Spouses that keep secrets, such as your H, tend to re-write the marital history to make things appear to be your fault. Don't buy into it. Sure, none of us are perfect, but we don't deserve to be cheated on nor told that these affairs are somehow "our fault". And, especially since now you have the sole burden of financially supporting the family PLUS the household burden, while he "plays" with his new gf, it's disingenuous of him to place that guilt on you.

Please take care of yourself. This is not your fault. You obviously have to work outside the home to support the family, and that, in and of itself, is stressful. No matter what you read and what you do to make the marriage better, this affair is solely his fault and not yours. If he spent less time with his OW, and more time focusing on your burden and helping you, perhaps he would be able to contribute financially to the family more than he has done. This financial burden is a heavy one for one person to carry. And whatever he deems that you have done "wrong" doesn't justify him having an affair.

When you do decide to confront him, be prepared to act upon anything you deem as a consequence. He either ends this thing NOW or___________. Whatever that _________ is, you must be prepared to follow through, even if that includes him leaving the marital home, but surely he has to end all communications with the OW immediately and completely.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> Ugh.
> Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
> I did NOT know about the OW.
> This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
> ...


You're the breadwinner here. You could do better on your own. 

I am curious as to what your husband claimed that you were doing wrong before you realised a third party in the picture.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's divorced, unemployed and the two of them are hanging out at each others house alone? Sorry but if this isn't a PA it has a very high chance of going there soon.

Exposure is very effective but you should expose with the best details you can. That means you need to read the texts and it would be a good idea if you can catch them. 

Do they talk on the phone? A var can help there.

Another poster simply grabbed the phone at an unexpected moment, ran outside and read the messages.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround, you asked what he said I was doing wrong.
One is that I was undermining his relationship with the kids. He has a different parenting style, and I was just making all the decisions without consulting him. That left him with the choice of backing me up, or looking like the bad guy all the time.
Another is that I am OCD and a perfectionist. That means I want things done right and right away. If the kids didn't load the dishwasher correctly, I just redid it. He thought they needed to learn and to have to redo it themselves. If I asked him to do something for me, and he didn't do it immediately, I did it myself. 
He had valid points in all areas. I've been working on all those things, and am currently on medication for my OCD. It's really helping.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The other thing you need to think about is. Do you want him?

For some people R is possible even after a long PA, for others a short EA can result in Divorce. 
It really comes down to your personality type. 

This is not going to just go away. It is a long term commitment to R and requires the WS to show remorse. So many never can and in this case it is best to walk away. You deserve more.

I am so sorry you are in pain, most of us have been there. It does get better.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> NextTimeAround, you asked what he said I was doing wrong.
> One is that I was undermining his relationship with the kids. He has a different parenting style, and I was just making all the decisions without consulting him. That left him with the choice of backing me up, or looking like the bad guy all the time.
> Another is that I am OCD and a perfectionist. That means I want things done right and right away. If the kids didn't load the dishwasher correctly, I just redid it. He thought they needed to learn and to have to redo it themselves. If I asked him to do something for me, and he didn't do it immediately, I did it myself.
> He had valid points in all areas. I've been working on all those things, and am currently on medication for my OCD. It's really helping.


Oh wow, you sound like a terrible spouse just begging to have someone cheat on them. NOT.

I hope you fully understand that NO ONE deserves to have their marital vows broken. That's precisely why we have marriage counselors and no fault divorce.

Here's what I'd ask him: 

just precisely how does an affair solve these problems? How does an affair make you a better parent? :rofl: How does having an affair help me control my perfectionism?

Having an affair sets a terrible example to the children on how to behave as a parent. Oh what's that he says? The kids didn't know? Well, if one parent is channeling their love, energy and time into an affair, by definition the marriage isn't as good as it could be. One of the best gifts a parent can give their kids is a loving marriage.

But I'm sure he'll figure out a way to twist that all back around so that you're ultimately responsible for his stupid, selfish choices.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I was able to "stop" an emotional affair (well, begin to wind it up- SHE had to stop it) with words, yeah. But I fear that this is too far gone for such a thing to work.

The only words you can say that have any bearing at this point are "her or me."


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> NextTimeAround, you asked what he said I was doing wrong.
> One is that I was undermining his relationship with the kids. He has a different parenting style, and I was just making all the decisions without consulting him. That left him with the choice of backing me up, or looking like the bad guy all the time.
> Another is that I am OCD and a perfectionist. That means I want things done right and right away. If the kids didn't load the dishwasher correctly, I just redid it. He thought they needed to learn and to have to redo it themselves. If I asked him to do something for me, and he didn't do it immediately, I did it myself.
> He had valid points in all areas. I've been working on all those things, and am currently on medication for my OCD. It's really helping.


Fine.

None of this justifies cheating.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

460+ text messages in a month and evidence that they meet alone at each others homes points directly to a physical affair.
They are most likely almost certainly having sex.

Because of this you need to find solid evidence of the physical aspect of their relationship.

You must get hold of that phone.
If I were you I`d simply ask him for it the moment you walk through the door today.
Barring that you can tell me what type of smartphone it is and I might be able to tell you how to get hold of his texts from a back-up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> However, the kids have since told me *she comes over when I'm at work* (they are both unemployed). And I know *he's been to her house* because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.


Oh HELL no! 

Grab that phone and that tablet PC ASAP! Get your evidence and expose. Just be prepared for what you're about to read. Odds are this has already gone PA. Do it. Do it now.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If you can get online,, change the password to the account. 
Block her #, so he can't text or call her.

Or since he is unemployed,, shut off his phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where is his phone when he showers? 

Get setup to grab his phone when he's in the shower and go to some place where you can download all of the messages on it.

You can probably get into the table computer as well.

Once you have the evidence, one way to put pressure on the affair is to make copies of the messages and distribute them to her family and his. 

You might want to get the book "Surviving an Affair" my Dr. Harley. It would be a big help to you right now.

He has to either give her up with no contact NOW or he has to leave. 

Why isn't he working by the way?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> NextTimeAround, you asked what he said I was doing wrong.
> One is that I was undermining his relationship with the kids. He has a different parenting style, and I was just making all the decisions without consulting him. That left him with the choice of backing me up, or looking like the bad guy all the time.
> Another is that I am OCD and a perfectionist. That means I want things done right and right away.* If the kids didn't load the dishwasher correctly, I just redid it. He thought they needed to learn and to have to redo it themselves. If I asked him to do something for me, and he didn't do it immediately, I did it myself. *
> He had valid points in all areas. I've been working on all those things, and am currently on medication for my OCD. It's really helping.


I understand perfectly well what you are saying , because I was once there with that sort of behaviour. I used to be a perfectionist ,and to make matters worse,I studied Mechanical [ Production ] Engineering . My wife went through hell with that. 
But she didn't go looking for attention from some other divorced and unhappy man.
Stop confusing the issues and blaming yourself.They are NOT related.

Like Shaggy above said,

*Grab his phone and RUN outside or in your car , or wherever.
Have a look at those text,and confront him.*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

The greater fact is whether it is EA or has actually even escalated to the PA route, paint it any color that you may want, but it must be done so with the rich hue of *deception*.

To that end and in my humble opinion, as a partner in a marriage, you have the implied _carte blanche_ to do whatever you feel is necessary to expose, and in either trying to salvage whatever is left of your relationship, by tearing it down and then offering to rebuild it; or just scrapping it against the rocky shoreline before moving on to find someone who would have as much loyalty and love in their heart for you that you would have for them!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Any person that says "469 text messages, that's about right" is not going to admit to anything when confronted.

Don't waste your time.

Like others have suggested, go grab that phone. But you won't, right? Because you're afraid of what he might do. You're scared of him, and that's an entirely different problem right there. 

Please tell me I'm wrong and report back as to what you found on his phone when you took it away from him.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

My H started texting/ FB prior to giving me the ILYBNILWY speech and was adamant he was not in an EA as nothing happened and he just needed a friend/ someone to talk to. It started out as him helping 'a damsel in distress' too! I printed out and gave him ' Emotional Affiars - Learn the warning signs and protect your relationship' by Dr R Nicastro (it is free is free on the web).

He admitted some of his behaviour pointed to an EA, it took more weeks of me telling him how his behaviour was hurting me before he stopped texting/ FB completely. 

Even though he admits some of the messages were flirty and inappropraite he is insistent it was not a EA.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kindi said:


> Any person that says "469 text messages, that's about right" is not going to admit to anything when confronted.


That's pretty much like the analysis revealed about my STBXW's cell phone minutes expended to her two different BF's in the two months just prior to my having been ordered out of the house~ and all of this was transpiring while I was still in there!

*STBXW to/from Boyfriends----97 calls/2220 minutes= 22.89 min. per call*

*STBXW to/from Me-----------84 calls/ 214 minutes= 2.55 min. per call*

*And I really haven't even started to figure in the texting yet!*

*Ain't statistics great? Just literally speaks volumes!*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
> Any advice?


Seems you already know the answer. Yes it won't be fun for either of you to expose this, but its less unfun then a broken marriage that ends in divorce. Nobody who cares about your marriage, or marriage in general, will think you are being vindictive, and if they do so what? Expose his inappropriate behavior to his friends, your mutual friends, both your families and anyone else whom your marriage has any meaning or effect on.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kindi said:


> Any person that says "469 text messages, that's about right" is not going to admit to anything when confronted.


Yes and no. My husband had about that many texts between him and his EA partner. I confronted him and he did admit that it was inappropriate. It as tough because after saying that I could look at his phone anytime I wanted, he tried to stop me one morning when I grabbed it off his nightstand. He argued, etc. And, when I said "That tells me all I need to know. You are hiding something from me."... he handed it over, and I saw that I was right.

My texting... yea, it was higher than his. So, in his mind, mine was worse than his was because I caught his before he got any further involved with this woman. But my point is that at the very least, her husband may concede that it is inappropriate to be texting so much with this OW, but may never admit to an actual EA. So... be prepared for that as well.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

If she's coming over to your house and going to hers, you can be sure they're already having sex. Don't be naive into thinking they aren't.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah, very true. I never "saw" any texts,, just from the bills. So of course he says their texts and talks were all just "idle chit chat".... nothing sexual....

Oh,,, and in 2 months time, she sent him 5 pictures of "her face, from the neck up"... :rofl:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yeah, very true. I never "saw" any texts,, just from the bills. So of course he says their texts and talks were all just "idle chit chat".... nothing sexual....
> 
> Oh,,, and in 2 months time, she sent him 5 pictures of "her face, from the neck up"... :rofl:


Who the hell needs that many close up shots of someone's face????


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yeah, very true. I never "saw" any texts,, just from the bills. So of course he says their texts and talks were all just "idle chit chat".... nothing sexual....
> 
> Oh,,, and in 2 months time, she sent him 5 pictures of "her face, from the neck up"... :rofl:


And roughly how many of those pics did you count that were from "the neck down?"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> That's pretty much like the analysis revealed about my STBXW's cell phone minutes expended to her two different BF's in the two months just prior to my having been ordered out of the house~ and all of this was transpiring while I was still in there!
> 
> *STBXW to/from Boyfriends----97 calls/2220 minutes= 22.89 min. per call*
> 
> ...



*Let's see~ STBXW's texting count over this very same billing period was 1,077 texts and 38 picture texts, which equates to an average of some 36 TM's per day along with roughly a tad better than a daily picture text.*

Not really all that bad for a woman in her mid-50's, taking into exception that she rarely ever found the time to even text-message me at all!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

If you really want to continue the marriage you need to go nuclear. Blow the thing up and see what pieces if any are left to be picked up. Let the people in your circle know what's going on. You will have support from them. Then let the two of them know you're on to their bull****.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> And roughly how many of those pics did you count that were from "the neck down?"


I would say all 5.. all I can see on her FB page is her profile pic.. since she is "totally" private,, I can't even send a message to her.. I know it wasn't her face he was looking at.. it was her size DDDD breasts..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I would say all 5.. all I can see on her FB page is her profile pic.. since she is "totally" private,, I can't even send a message to her.. I know it wasn't her face he was looking at.. *it was her size DDDD breasts..*


 

And just to richly quote my STBXW,* "Now, that's a shocker!"*


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Numb, I don't think we need photographic evidence of DDDD, we believe you :rofl:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Numb, I don't think we need photographic evidence of DDDD, we believe you :rofl:


Just as long as the shots are from the neck down; and as long as you get it posted prior to our dear old moderators finding out!

*Kidding*! Let's keep that stuff off of here!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When you say you don't want to leave, I assume you mean you don't want to kick him out, right? Cos YOU have no REASON to leave; HE has a good reason to get kicked out.

Now, I guarantee you that the INSTANT you asked him, and he gave his flip "that's about right" statement, the instant you walked away, he ran to his phone to tell her you know.

YOU have the control here, ok? YOU make the money. YOU are the victim. YOU can go straight to the lawyer with YOUR money and have him kicked out. So start acting like it, ok? 

If you confront him, let it be with "I know you're cheating and I will NOT tolerate it. You have one chance only to get to stay married to me - never ever speak to OW again, or move out. What's it gonna be?"


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
> I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
> I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
> However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
> ...


*Have his phone disconnected!!!!!!!* Every day that goes by he is building the wall to you even higher and opening the window to HER a bit more- ALL WHILE YOURE SUPPORTING HIS A$$! You have to take a stand ASAP! This is totally unacceptable. 469 times in two weeks???? How many times has he texted you????? 10-15??? How about he gets a JOB and then he'll have something to do! Holy Sh*t, this blows my mind!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> *Have his phone disconnected!!!!!!!* Every day that goes by he is building the wall to you even higher and opening the window to HER a bit more- ALL WHILE YOURE SUPPORTING HIS A$$! You have to take a stand ASAP! This is totally unacceptable. 469 times in two weeks???? How many times has he texted you????? 10-15??? How about he gets a JOB and then he'll have something to do! Holy Sh*t, this blows my mind!


There aren't enough 'like' buttons for this one. :iagree:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Let's see~ STBXW's texting count over this very same billing period was 1,077 texts and 38 picture texts, which equates to an average of some 36 TM's per day along with roughly a tad better than a daily picture text.*
> 
> Not really all that bad for a woman in her mid-50's, taking into exception that she rarely ever found the time to even text-message me at all!


Yep. Aint it always this way??? My H would send her 20,30,40 sometimes 50 emails/day - I got NONE!!! Maybe 6-10 texts a day-short- about crap. She sat 10 ft from him all day so he was not just emailing her but talking directly to her. If she was out of the office they talked on the phone or email. He NEVER called me during the day and if I called him- he rushed me off.

Thats the nature of any affair- AP first, spouse last. 

OP- you've gotta step up the pressure here.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think you have enough to go on to demand no more contact between the 2 of them. Though I also think there is an affair, without a doubt. And if there is not, he certainly wants one. If you confront him he will no doubt spin a load of rubbish to try and 'answer' your accusations, and he will most certainly accuse u of being in the wrong...paranoid, controlling, and whatever else he threw at you 3 months ago to cause you to start 'fixing' the marriage.

I would suggest that you should tell him that this 'infatuation' is unhealthy and he needs to have no more contact with this woman, and he needs to show you the text messages (if he is stuck to his phone and even sleeps with it, he is having an affair, and they will most likely be very unsavoury. Therefore he will refuse, or they will be miraculously deleted). The next step is to either throw him out, you know by his refusal to show that he is having an affair, or install spyware on his phone and var's around the place to confront him further. 

Decide also what u are going to do with regards to a cheating husband. He is. Can you work through it if he does all the right things? Or is it a dealbreaker? If it is a dealbreaker, you may as well confront immediately and get it over with because he definitely is. 

The only person I send that many texts to is my boyfriend. It is a constant stream of loving texts and there is that many in a couple of weeks. No way, absolutely, could it be anything else that causes that many texts, other than love and desire. Friends don't send a fraction of that. There is no other explanation.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
> He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month.
> I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
> What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
> Any advice?


You only need to reveal it to 1 other person...the OW's husband, but it's too bad she doesn't have one. You could put a VAR in his car and listen to their conversions. Who knows, maybe they even go to his car after bowling.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm becoming obsessed. I cannot get his phone. He takes it into the bathroom with him and locks the door when showering. (Funny, since he leaves his cash and wallet on the bed.)
He sleeps with it in his hand under the pillow.
But I find myself checking the number of text messages non stop. I can't function at work, I'm always shaking, and I keep getting sick.
I'm going to confront him tonight and tell him her or me. The problem is, I can't make him leave until I have legal grounds. And I suspect he's not going to choose me. 
How do I live in the house with him knowing he's still seeing her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's another poster who actually took the phone and ran a couple blocks away and downloaded all the data and then walked back home and handed the phone back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Talk to a lawyer first so you know your rights. If you can't make him move, get the paperwork going first and THEN confront him; if he says her, then just say 'ok, the lawyer is already drawing up the papers; you should have them in a couple days.'

If he says you, just call the lawyer and ask them to put the papers on hold.

If you don't approach him from this kind of strength, he will just laugh at you. Yes, I said laugh.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> I'm becoming obsessed. I cannot get his phone. He takes it into the bathroom with him and locks the door when showering. (Funny, since he leaves his cash and wallet on the bed.)
> He sleeps with it in his hand under the pillow.
> But I find myself checking the number of text messages non stop. I can't function at work, I'm always shaking, and I keep getting sick.
> I'm going to confront him tonight and tell him her or me. The problem is, I can't make him leave until I have legal grounds. And I suspect he's not going to choose me.
> How do I live in the house with him knowing he's still seeing her?


Sadly, you have to make the hard choice. If he refuses to leave, then you need to be prepared to leave, for your own emotional and mental health. It's called "constructive abandonment" which means that you are leaving with good reason.

I tell you this because this is the decision I had to make. My WS refused to leave the marital home and I could not live with the disrespect and emotional cruelty due to his EAs and possible PAs. Further, I do have the legal grounds to obtain spousal support from him to help with expenses since we are no longer together. So you see "grounds" is not an issue if you decide to leave.

Perhaps the realization that he will indeed lose you might wake him up. Perhaps not. Granted, it's a gamble. But you are correct in that it can't continue as is. It's her or you. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. Make yourself a priority. Formulate a plan for yourself. Be prepared to make good any ultimatums. 

And understand this. If he drops the OW in favor of you, you win. If he refuses to drop the OW and you leave him, you win. If you remain in the marital home while he continues the affair, you lose your own self respect. Don't allow him to do this to you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Alright. This has to stop. 

Ask him point blank for his phone. It should not be a secret what is on it. Don't worry, he will call you controlling and all sorts of horrible things. Use this technique to deal with the absurd tripe coming out of his mouth., which I was recently taught by my psyche.

1. Listen to what he says. 
2. Para-phrase it without opinion or additions and then ask "is that what you said?"
3. Reply to that. If you don't understand it ask him to state it again.

Remember that what he says is _only his opinion _and you do not have to take it on board. 

Stop counting the texts. You are torturing yourself.
If he wants this woman he should leave. The strange mindset of the cheater will see this as an opportunity and he probaly will. Be prepared for it.

The fact is he already has left, and you know it. He is just the evil twin left behind.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> .
> How do I live in the house with him knowing he's still seeing her?


Move to another room if you haven't already, and completely shut him out emotionally and don't communicate with him unless absolutely necessary while you make plans to protect yourself legally.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ing said:


> Alright. This has to stop.
> 
> Ask him point blank for his phone. It should not be a secret what is on it. Don't worry, he will call you controlling and all sorts of horrible things. Use this technique to deal with the absurd tripe coming out of his mouth., which I was recently taught by my psyche.
> 
> ...


Yes this. Since he is having an affair -he's technically already gone. He has split himself in two. My H did this too. He had a Mr. CTU while at work(with her) and a MR. CTU at home. Neither was legit. Nor is your h's. The ONLY thing that shakes them out of their fantasy(maybe) is the hard right hook of possibly losing EVERYTHING. But as long as youre sitting there being the 'little wife' he's cake eating and as far as he's concerned you can count texts to your little hearts desire.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank you everyone for all your help and support... But it's time for me to move on to another forum room. 
I confronted him tonight, he said there's no point in our even trying to get things to work.
Consequently, I'm going to find a lawyer and file for divorce.
Thanks so much. I never would have made it through this without you guys. Wish me luck in the next phase.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> Thank you everyone for all your help and support... But it's time for me to move on to another forum room.
> I confronted him tonight, he said there's no point in our even trying to get things to work.
> Consequently, I'm going to find a lawyer and file for divorce.
> Thanks so much. I never would have made it through this without you guys. Wish me luck in the next phase.


So sorry to hear this... stay strong.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So sorry Luonnotar.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Wow. Im just so sorry. Get a good lawyer. Take care

Is he moving in with OW?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> Thank you everyone for all your help and support... But it's time for me to move on to another forum room.
> I confronted him tonight, he said there's no point in our even trying to get things to work.
> Consequently, I'm going to find a lawyer and file for divorce.
> Thanks so much. I never would have made it through this without you guys. Wish me luck in the next phase.


Stay strong, dear! And don't hesitate! File!

And stay with us here on TAM. We'll always be here for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whatever you do, do not compromise ONE BIT from here on out. Ask for the moon, and you'll get the world.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Luonnotar said:


> My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
> He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month.
> I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
> What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
> Any advice?


"They" are just friends... more than one woman, wow. And, if they are just friends then he should feel comfortable showing you all the text threads. If he is not comfortable, let him know he needs to end it NOW. However make sure you have something to back up your threat much greater than telling his family. He needs to be presented with a greater finality than I am going to tell your family about what is perceived to be going on. You need details or there is not trust, and that is it.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Luonnotar said:


> He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
> I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
> I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
> However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
> ...


He is being very disrespectful and that is both your faults. He seems to feel very secure in your fidelity towards him, or is simply pushing you away. My advice is very different, and the fact that you can contain yourself so well, will be very effective.

If you really want to be vindictive, surprise him. You know he is having an emotional affair, so confront him. Confront him confidently and honestly. Say something such as, "look honey (whatever you call him), you are disrespecting me and the kids, with whatever is going on with this woman. If thats what you want to do, you need to be fair to us, and leave the house. I deserve the right to move on with my life as well. Say it without ANY emotion, and walk away. Avoid an ongoing conversation.

In the mean time, you control what you can, and that is yourself. Take better care of yourself, more than ever before. Workout, go to the beauty salon, go out with friends, buy clothes, spend more time alone with the kids and be happy. Be honest with everyone, tell the truth. I don't think "tatling" will mean much to him. He doesn't respect you, and this is your opportunity to set boundaries and establish your value.

Be very nice to him, as if he were a friend. But make it clear that you can take him or leave him, and the OW means nothing to you in terms of jealousy. It is his disrespect towards the family, that you can not accept. 

Make him work to get the old you back, which I'm pretty sure that if you can honestly detach from him, and have other interests, he will. Otherwise, this man has obvious problems, he is very insecure, unemployed, callous, not a good father, and possibly has sex addiction issues, and other psychological issues, that are very toxic to your family. 

You have absolutely no responsibility or control over those issues that he brought into the marriage. If the texting, OW at your house while at your at work continues, remind him that is NOT appropriate or acceptable. If the problem continues, lovingly tell him goodbye. 

You must do this for your daughters, and sons, so they learn to respect themselves in their relationships. I get the feeling that if he leaves, it won't be for long. Very few women can tolerate an unemployed bum in the house all day, especially if he isn't the father of their kids. Many women who are dissapointed turn into raging biotches, and the arms of mistresses become so much sweeter. That won't happen with you.

You are one of a kind, and he doesn't deserve you, but until you know that, he won't know that. He'll definitly be back, but that should be your real concern. Only God can be our rock, He is the only one that won't let us down. Good luck


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wonder how it worked out?


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