# Falling apart at the seams - separation, divorce, loss of my best friend



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi all - 

I tried to find my previous thread, but it was way down the list. 

I feel like D is what has to happen, but I can't bring myself to do it...I'm feeling lost.

I don't want to lose my best friend. We did NC, and I found that it's not his hugs/kisses I miss, it's talking to him, joking with him...

How do I move on from this? I feel like I'm not being logical. It's hurting so bad. If I do this...he'll be gone...there and then gone. I'm actually crying as I type this. Anyone else truely been best friends (but not really more) with their spouse?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I can understand how you feel. After 20 years, my Wife is my best and probably my only friend. I too feel soo sad. I cry a lot too and I am a man. I feel like a total A$$ doing the 180 thing. I try to tell myself that I don't NEED her for anything anymore. Maybe one day I will believe it myself. I hear you loud and clear.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

My ex-wife was my best friend. Was for eight years. I too miss the companionship that we shared for so much. I miss the physical aspect, too, but its the companionship that I miss more than anything else.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

It's nice to not feel alone... Just because you don't NEED her, doesn't mean you don't miss the companionship. Knowing someone is "always" there

Nobody understands why I'm so hung up..


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> It's nice to not feel alone... Just because you don't NEED her, doesn't mean you don't miss the companionship. Knowing someone is "always" there
> 
> Nobody understands why I'm so hung up..


I hear you. As of now, I don't want to be in the same room with her. I left for work this morning and for the second day in a row, I didn't even say good-bye.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

SRN - why did you D?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Already Gone - was it her choice to leave? My H is fine with faking everything is okay...I did it for so long too and we tried working on it. It's like being roomies and best buddies. We do love each other, no doubt. We separated in Sept. and I came back because I wanted to work on it, nothing changed...we separated again.

I'm frustrated. I could stay in an unfulfilling marriage and have my best friend, but thats it...

It probably makes no sense, but there is a quick recap.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife didn't leave and I don't think she will. Nothing is changing though and I am frustrated and unfulfilled like you seem to be.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> My wife didn't leave and I don't think she will. Nothing is changing though and I am frustrated and unfulfilled like you seem to be.


Yes, my H will not file, he said if I want it, I'll have to do it. He also told me he is going to treat me however he wants until I come back home. It's so FRUSTRATING!!!!

Did you guys try MC? Are you in IC?  I go to IC once a week.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> Nobody understands why I'm so hung up..


Unless they've been through it, they just don't get it. Even some who have, still don't. Eveyone is different.



bluebeauty said:


> SRN - why did you D?


You can read about it here. She's the only who wanted out. I tried to fight it, but ultimately it turned out to be WAS coupled with an affair, and I couldn't get past the affair part, so I filed.




bluebeauty said:


> Did you guys try MC? Are you in IC? I go to IC once a week.


I go to IC once a week. Its helpful, but ultimately its you that has to decide to recover. No amount of "talking about it" will help until you are ready to move on. I'm not there yet, but I know thats the future.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

SRN - I'm sorry that happened to you. 

IC is helping me also, but my therapist can't make a decision for me (I wish he could and then I could just go find a hole to hide in lol)


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> Yes, my H will not file, he said if I want it, I'll have to do it. He also told me he is going to treat me however he wants until I come back home. It's so FRUSTRATING!!!!
> 
> Did you guys try MC? Are you in IC? I go to IC once a week.


I have talked about MC but doesn't want to go. So I read tons of marriage books. Most books say I should be nicer and give more respect to my wife and I am so tired of that.

I am sorry to say it But I think I haven't been nice to my wife. I've actually been a total A$$ and I hate to be that way. It is not in my nature.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I hear you, but living an unfulfilling life is torture. Questioning how you should move forward - stay with what you have because its comfortable or moving on with the risk of not finding better, plus the loss of the companionship. Limbo...

You aren't alone...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> Hi all -
> 
> I tried to find my previous thread, but it was way down the list.
> 
> ...


What's the argument in favor of divorce?


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## onehotmama (Apr 13, 2012)

When you are separated from your spouse or going through a divorce, it's hard to get past all of the memories of companionship. A husband/wife bond is unparalleled. But focusing on the things you miss doesn't help you move forward. There is someone else out there that can be your best friend, and so much more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> I hear you, but living an unfulfilling life is torture. Questioning how you should move forward - stay with what you have because its comfortable or moving on with the risk of not finding better, plus the loss of the companionship. Limbo...
> 
> You aren't alone...


Right now I fel like I am in limbo. For me I am not afraid to be alone. I have so many interests and hobbiesto keep me busy. My wife has no passion, no interest, no desires, no romance, no goals or ambition and she bores the heck out of me. I know I am a good man and I treated my wife so good for soo long. My life with my wife gives me no comfort at all anymore. There is better out there. I know there is!

When the time comes FOR YOU to realize you are happier without your husbad treating you like he is doing, you may be ready to file so you can move forward. Then you may wonder what took you so long. Stay close to your friends for support, even if they don't understand.

I am worried about my Daughter and being that my wife doesn't want to work and her sister is a lawyer, there is little hope for me. Even with a new girlfriend/relationship I think I will be broke.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

I think the soulmate crap is too overrrated......people in marriage over time tend to lose their feelings or even if they don't have any feelings can build them over time. For an example take the movie 'The Vow' based on a true story that once a couple madly in love but after her accident, she had no feelings for him. They became friends again and slowly all the feelings crept back. Imagine if it can happen to you. Also what if he starts resenting you and finally falls for a girl. You may never have him in your life either way if thats the path your going.

On one hand you have this predicament to divorce him where you may lose him forever aka symbolizing more like his death from your world while on the other hand you may have to work on getting those feelings for him (are you sure you never even for a minute in your entire life gazed into his eyes and felt something for him)


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

When did I say I never felt anything? When did I say soulmate? It's frustrating...sometimes relationships run their course, no?

About 2+ years ago I told my H that I was falling out of love with him, he wouldn't help me try anything to get those feelings back, it was all on me. I've just been living in limbo being unfulfilled in my life, because I was comfortable, because we are best friends. We tried MC, he wouldn't talk at all, so I started doing IC. I do love my H, but things haven't been good for a long time.

I know you are offering a different perspective, but this forum is for support, you can really hurt people by saying things like "he starts resenting you and finally falls for a girl." I know we are starting to resent each other, he's tired of being angry, I'm tired of crying and not being able to move on one way or another.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Conrad - I feel like I've tried so many things. I guess i just snapped, got tired of faking everything was okay and just stewing alone. I tried to get him to own the problem with me. As long as we keep the topics friendly - sports, tv, our dog, it was okay, but any kind of serious topic, whether I was sad or angry, he would just block me out and pretend like i didn't exist. I tried different ways of communication...eventually, I just started seeing him as more of a friend. Now here I am, holding on...to the friendship :'(

Everyday I feel like I lose a little more of myself..


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey bluebeauty,

I didn't read anything about if you all had children. Not that that would make a difference. That could be a whole different thread.

My wife and I do the same thing. If we talk about "safe" topics, I stay calm. Probably some of the samr topics you just mentioned. Lately though we have so little to talk about. I go to bed early to read and usually go to sleep in a different room at night. In the morning we seem to have more silence that ever before. We kind of pretent to be tired and still waking up. What I am affraid of if this continues... We will loose our friendship along with everything else.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

No kids...he recently actually said "I'm going to be 30 this year, I want kids now" I said "You don't even like kids" (which kills me because I thought he did...I LOVE kids)...his response "well I think I would like my own"..sighs...

We're not even physical anymore and haven't been for a long time. 

I was told that 99% of the time if you get a D, you lose the friendship too


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> I was told that 99% of the time if you get a D, you lose the friendship too


I think that has to be true, especially for those of us without kids. There might be a point in the future where you could strike up a friendship again, but there is just too much hurt to be able to be around that person.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Yes, no "reason" to keep talking..


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

This may not be the norm. But a friend of mine gets along better with the wife since the D. They just couldn't be under the same roof. Again, that may not be the norm.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

My H told me if we D that he never wants to see or speak to me again. That he is moving far away.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

It makes me feel even worse that he'd leave everyone...family...friends..


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

B.B.

Your hubby doesn't seem pleasant to be around to me. Maybe it would be a good thing if he moved far far away. Are you sure he has friends? If he would be so willing to leave, his "friends" they must not think highly of them.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Yes, I'm sure he has friends. I think it's a control thing...he knows I don't want him to be alone..etc..


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

bb,

i can see him saying he doesn't want to be friends if you D. i said the same to my stbxw when she brought up D.

however, i can also see him saying that out of a flash of anger, defensiveness, and hurt. that is a major reason i said what i said.

in the near term, i can't imagine wanting to be around my stbxw given how much hurt she is causing me now. but i could see some day in the future coming to better terms. after being together for so many years, it is only natural that there would always be some connection there i would think, w/ or w/o kids.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

@bluebeauty...didn't mean to hurt you with my previous post. If he doesn't want to go to MC, why don't you ask him to be on TAM....i'm sure we have alot of good senior members who can talk to him and have his feeling & thoughts on MC shared.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

gear - that is comforting, and good to know why you said it. I'm sure his is mostly in anger as well.

Buildingblocks - he would never go for it. I have tried to do a lot of different things to help with my sadness/depression related to all of this. I go to IC, I get on TAM, I do laps in the pool everyday, i walk the dog in the park..I tried to get him to do those with me before, he won't....he says "it's your thing, not mine"


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