# Preparing for D day



## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

I guess I just need some advice. I'm pretty much dealing with issues on my own because our families and friends are so intertwined, I have no one to really talk about issues. 

My W and I have been married just over two years, no kids. A few months ago, we were going through a rough patch, and she didn't know if she still wanted to be married. I said I loved her, and that I would go to MC. We have yet to go. 

About a month ago, I found a strange phone number she was texting late at night when she had told me she didn't have her phone. She admitted it was OM that she met on a vacation, and said it was stupid and she was sorry. I said stop and she agreed, but demanded her own phone due to my invading her privacy. 

I have recently come across some emails sexual in nature proving a full blown EA. The only good thing is he's in the military and recently got deployed so I don't think it went to the PA level, but the EA continues via email. 

I'm going to confront her about the emails soon, and I'm just not sure which direction to take it, because this isn't the first time it's happened. She used to have an ex bf that always was after her, and she lied about talking to him during the time we were dating and engaged. I found an email telling him how she wanted to see him 3 months before we got married. It almost derailed the wedding, but she didn't know why she did it and assured me it wouldn't happen again. I believed her and said we would be divorced if it ever did. 

Part of me wants to work things out, but my wife is very insecure due to her past. She had both a bf and ex fiance cheat on her. I think she is just waiting for me to do the same, and needs a fall back guy. I am out of town during the week for work, and she struggles with being alone. Her self esteem is low and battles with depression. She lost a sibling when she was younger, and I believe because of this her family let her get away with anything she wanted, and was never held accountable for her actions. I think she thinks she can get away with whatever she wants. She is in IC, but I don't know if it is helping. 

I have my own issues also. I struggle with expressing my feelings, except anger of course. Therefore, I seem distant at times, and don't express my love enough. All which led into our recent rough patch. She usually just expresses her discontent, and I try harder for a little while, but then just revert back to my normal self. Maybe this EA is the ultimate form of expressing discontent. 

Thanks for listening


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

1) Total transparency. A spouse does not have a right to have an "affair phone". You did not invade her privacy. She violated her vows by being unfaithful to you. 

2) The only way to stop an affair is to go total no contact which must be verifiable.

3) Easy for me to say but given there are no children and this is a recurring theme with her, I would move on. But if you wish to fight for her then this forum should give you some pretty good advice. 

Start by visiting the Men's area and reading up --> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She got caught texting an OM and her response was to demand her own phone ?

And you have only been married a short time?

I'm a romantic, but I don't see this marriage working out. She is much too selfish and clearly doesn't respect you or your marriage.

Don't try to make her happy here, she is treating you like a doormat and appears that she is desperately on the prowl for other men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think you're making excuses for her by stating that she's insecure and needs a fall back guy.

Seems like she just flat out doesn't want to commit to you and you deserve full comittment.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The EA is due to her having poor boundaries . Can you identify who the OM 's family are , is he married , single, girlfriend etc. Before you confront your wife ensure you have saved all the evidence required for exposure . You then contact his wife/girlfriend and his parents and expose his affair to them , do not tell your wife what you are doing even after you have exposed. Scan my very early posts for a sample exposure letter template. Track down his base commanders details , if nothing else telling them of his affair makes his life uncomfortable . If your wife has access to his Facebook page record the friends details and the web links to their pages . Some of the most successful exposures and breaking of affairs have been through facebook.

After you have exposed you confront your wife , she is likley to go underground so ensure you have all the monitoring tools in place for the computer , phone and a VAR. Be firm in your boundaries , she writes a no contact letter and commits to full transparency . 

Thereafter if she commits to the marriage you continue to monitor , if she chooses not to sommit switch to a Plan A complimented by the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow. She gets caught texting another man and now demands her own phone, naturally, so she can have the privacy to text OM. What's wrong with this picture? :scratchhead:

Normally, I would give advice on how to R and set boundaries. But since the cheating has already started very early in the marriage, and the fact that it seems she's so immature, it would be better off to end it before you have children. It doesn't seem like she's ready for marriage at all, and still has some emotional issues to overcome before she's ready for a LIFETIME commitment. 

If you stay married to her, what do you think is going to happen down the road when you're both under the stress of raising children, making the mortgage and other household bills? She's already cheating now.

After you confront her, tell her she needs to leave. She's not ready for marriage and needs to work on herself.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Maybe its because of what happened to her, maybe its because of the way she was raised, maybe it's because of your failings, maybe its your fault because your not meeting her needs and expressing your love, maybe it's her parents fault because they didn't set boundries, maybe it's not her fault because she is emotionally damaged due to losing a sibling. Maybe it's her exBF's faults bacuse they damaged her by all cheated on her. Maybe this is only the first time, so just a mistake? Maybe the fact that she's lonely?

Have I covered the list of rationalizations and explainations you have provided so far? 

Do you see one missing?

.......

Without even getting into any of that part...

Before another word is said...

The two most imprtant questions you need to be able to a answer before anyone can help you help yourself...

1. What do you want?

2. Are you 100% commited to doing what it takes to give you the best chance of getting it?



It's as simple as that.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If you know the OM is in the military, contact this D-bags base legal. Tell them what unit he's with and that they are currently deployed. Tell them that this guy is involved in inappropriate behavior with your wife, if not a full blown affair. They may want proof so be prepared to forward those e-mails.

Adultry is punishable under the UCMJ and if you can prove an affair, he can go to jail. It sounds like you definately have proof of inappropriate behavior and they can order him to never contact your wife again. If he does, he'll go to jail for adultry and disobeying a direct order. 

Don't count on your wife to end this affair, she's just going to hide it better....i.e. getting her own phone. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. If the guy isn't a complete idiot, he'll stop all contact. Once her texts go unanswered...she'll just assume it's over. If he informs her that he can't contact her anymore due to you reporting him. SHE IS GONNA GET PISSED. But, just reminder her that she has no reason to be pissed be she promised you it was over and she wasn't going to contact him again right? And if he contacted her and was informing her that he can't contact her anymore, well, big deal, she's not talking to him anyway, right? So, if she's pissed, she just proving to you that she lied to you and she's been in contact him. BUSTED!!!!!


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

Thank you for all the sound advice.

I have already tracked down the OM unit and commanding officer. I will look up how to contact the base legal team. Which is best email, cert letter, or both? My original thoughts were they would just brush it off. 

I have emails, but there was a guy in MI that was being charged with hacking because he got into his wife's email and gave them to a third party. The story just has me a little gun shy about using them as proof.

Snooping Through Wife's E-Mail Gets Michigan Man Charged With Felony Computer Misuse - ABC News (wfs)

My biggest fear is trust. She has never trusted me because of her past issues with men. Always asking who is texting and wanting to read them. Even questioning work emails that are sent from women coworkers. I now will have a hard time trusting her. Compound this with the fact that I am gone during the week, regaining my trust in her may be an impossible feat in the future. I know nothing will get better without MC.

I have read the Men's Area....good advice!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You are married so access to your wifes mail is normal, don't let the link you posted scare you, it is great public exposure for your wifes affair if they tried this route. I somehow doubt they would want to risk their names and photo's in the press .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Wecouldofhaditall said:


> Thank you for all the sound advice.
> 
> I have already tracked down the OM unit and commanding officer. I will look up how to contact the base legal team. Which is best email, cert letter, or both? My original thoughts were they would just brush it off.
> 
> ...


Call them, talk to a JAG officer on the phone directly. Paperwork (i.e. mail) and military don't go well together. If you don't want to give up that information as to how you know, then just tell them you intercepted communications between the two of them. If they ask for proof, then ask them about your concerns of handing that stuff over. JAG officers are lawyers and they can direct you LEGALLY if it advisable or not. However, some random dude calling about a military member, they have their name, random dude knows what unit and the C.O's name...that's enough to warrant some questions.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> The EA is due to her having poor boundaries . Can you identify who the OM 's family are , is he married , single, girlfriend etc. Before you confront your wife ensure you have saved all the evidence required for exposure . You then contact his wife/girlfriend and his parents and expose his affair to them , do not tell your wife what you are doing even after you have exposed. Scan my very early posts for a sample exposure letter template. Track down his base commanders details , if nothing else telling them of his affair makes his life uncomfortable . If your wife has access to his Facebook page record the friends details and the web links to their pages . Some of the most successful exposures and breaking of affairs have been through facebook.
> 
> After you have exposed you confront your wife , she is likley to go underground so ensure you have all the monitoring tools in place for the computer , phone and a VAR. Be firm in your boundaries , she writes a no contact letter and commits to full transparency .
> 
> ...


I know what the 180 is but what is Plan A?


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I ask my husband who it is almost everytime he gets a text and I am around. I trust him completely, I am just curious about what is going on with him. Maybe I am in the minority, but I thought that was normal. We both just leave our phones sitting around and he even reads my texts to me when I am getting ready or something. The only reason someone has for being defensive about their SO looking at their phone is having something on the phone that they don't want you to see. As far as getting into legal trouble, you would have to look at specific laws in your state. I do know that military law is different though. I don't know if they would be considered a "3rd party" in the same sense as the case you referenced.
> 
> You really can't have a relationship without trust. First she has to admit to everything about the affair, show remorse, and cut off contact. Without remorse, she will just do it again, and again, and again....


Maybe it is normal, and maybe I read too much into it. I always tell her who it is and let her see if she wants. I have nothing to hide.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wecouldofhaditall said:


> I have emails, but there was a guy in MI that was being charged with hacking because he got into his wife's email and gave them to a third party. The story just has me a little gun shy about using them as proof.
> 
> Snooping Through Wife's E-Mail Gets Michigan Man Charged With Felony Computer Misuse - ABC News (wfs)


I wouldn't worry about this. It's just a case of an overzealous prosecutor trying to make a name for her self. The law was designed to bring to justice hackers, not marital couples. 

Leon Walker | Facebook


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I wouldn't worry about this. It's just a case of an overzealous prosecutor trying to make a name for her self. The law was designed to bring to justice hackers, not marital couples.
> 
> Leon Walker | Facebook


Yeah, I think you're right. This case is already at the court of appeals and three judges are ready to throw it out because of "common sense" over what that law is about..

This is a case of a WW getting caught and wanting to get back at her husband because he caught her!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Plan A extracted from another post




> In brief Plan A is is for you to be the most amazing, confident woman and wife he has ever seen, you are doing this for yourself and for your marriage. Look after your self in every department, if you are slightly heavy, trim down, if you talk loudly lower the volume etc.. You are showing control. The behaviour is one not of a doormat but a strong independently minded woman.It takes time , he will notice the change it
> 
> 
> > Plan A
> ...



Plan A is to be run for as long as you can handle the emotional roller coaster, you can use large chunks of the 180 to compliment this plan and if there is no change in your wife you may choose to switch over completely to the 180.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah...I'm more of a fan of the 180 than the plan A.

Plan A just seems like you're kissing the cheaters butt trying to show them that the home is the better deal.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Yeah...I'm more of a fan of the 180 than the plan A.
> 
> Plan A just seems like you're kissing the cheaters butt trying to show them that the home is the better deal.


Same here. There's a long thread in the forum where the BS tried the Plan A, didn't work out too well. The BS here is the polar opposite of Shamwow.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/14064-wife-having-emotional-affair-how-handle.html

There's no way that the BS can compete with the OM/OW, because you cannot compete with a fantasy. The WS knows and sees all the BSs shortcomings, limitations, while the OM/OW looks like Prince Charming/Princess Charming.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yeah, it really seems counter intuitive and only seems to encourage cake eating


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

For me, and from my experience, the whole thing became much more clear after the fact...

With the 180, Plan A, Plan B, etc.. 

The primary value in doing these things had much less to do with how they effected what my DS did... and much more to do with what they do for me.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Two years married and she is doing this. I think you should consider cutting your losses. She clearly is not marriage material. Do not have kids with her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Wecouldofhaditall said:


> ...
> 
> About a month ago, I found a strange phone number she was texting late at night when she had told me she didn't have her phone. She admitted it was OM that she met on a vacation, and said it was stupid and she was sorry. I said stop and she agreed, but demanded her own phone due to my invading her privacy.
> 
> ...


She was untrustworthy before marriage and now during marriage.

Good thing you have no kids. Make sure her deep-seated attraction to affairs are resolved before having any kids. Else, you are just compounding your problems. And, why bring a child into such an unstable and painful environment?

Also, for now, make sure you dont have any joint bank accounts or credit cards with her. And dont take on any debts/loans in joint name. Keep your money/assets separate.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How is she meeting men on vacation? Is she going on vacation without you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

WeCould,

The MI case has not been resolved. Unless you live in MI, I would completely ignore it. Spouses can check anything they want belonging to the other spouse. All property is considered common property, especially if it was purchased during the marriage.

Cypress


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How is she meeting men on vacation? Is she going on vacation without you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was more of a weekend away with some gf's. My W and another married. One engaged. One recently D. She said the divorced one was hooking up with this guys friend, so they started talking. I assume she told him she was thinking of leaving me. He told her, his wife had cheated on him when he was in basic and was now D. I found out all this, when I confronted her about texting.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Curious, you told her that if you ever caught her again that you would be divorced, now you have caught her again and..... ???

You mentioned that you had proof of a full blown EA... Seriously, do you really think that she has not had A PA? I know you would like to hold on to the idea that she hasn't but really... I mean really. This is what you have found, what haven't you found? 

With all due respect, and my sincere sympathies for your situation... Your W has serious issues. Your not going to fix them. She is the only one that has a chance to fix any of it, and even then there is not guarantee she will. The only thing that you can do to effect her motivation is to prove your threats are not empty.

If you want to repair this, man up. Frankly, without children I have no idea what would make you want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You have no kids? You are in for a lifetime of pain and suffering. I hope I'm wrong.


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Curious, you told her that if you ever caught her again that you would be divorced, now you have caught her again and..... ???
> 
> You mentioned that you had proof of a full blown EA... Seriously, do you really think that she has not had A PA? I know you would like to hold on to the idea that she hasn't but really... I mean really. This is what you have found, what haven't you found?
> 
> ...


I don't know 100% From the way the emails have progressed to the timing of his deployment, it's just an educated guess that there hasn't been a PA with this guy. Have there been others, who knows? You're right in the fact I only know about what I have found. 

Pit, I'm not sure of your story (I will search), but for me its trying to decide if I truly want to R or if I'm just scared of the big D and getting back into the dating world eventually. Part of the reason I'm on here. 

Don't worry I will Man up either way. I just want my ducks in a row first. I will not be walked on again!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to tackle this by assuming it is PA. The messages were sexual in nature, she was chasing him, and he got deployed. You know he or she or both of the
pushed it to PA before he deployed. 

It will be up to her to prove it didn't go PA by taking a lie detector test, if she really wants to deny it did. You can't trust her to tell the truth, because that
Cheaters by definition are liars. It's just part of their playbook.

She hasn't any remorse, but she sure has a lot of guile and disreoect for the marriage. She exchanged numbers with some guy who talked with her on
a vacation weekend? That was what 48 hours away from you and she was getting numbers? That guy was looking for someone to pick up, do you honestly think
he put enough effort into your wife to get her number and to follow up with her if the two of them didn't hookup someway that weekend?

I'm pointing all this out because while you are her and trying deal with it, you keep soft peddling it and that is going to weaken your resolve and your ability
to confront her and ensure you deal with the full story of what has gone on. This isn't a lonely woman making a friend, it is a married woman who
has cross serious boundaries of faithfulness.

Oh, you also should see about sn STD checkout for you. This very likely has Gond PA at least once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Wecouldofhaditall said:


> Pit, I'm not sure of your story (I will search), but for me its trying to decide if I truly want to R or if I'm just scared of the big D and getting back into the dating world eventually. Part of the reason I'm on here.


I invite you to find my story. It is long and while Im certain you will recognize the fear, pain and confusion your feeling. You may not identify with my drive which from the begining was rooted with my child. Although, just as much of it was rooted in my own fear. Fear of being alone and fear of the unknown. 

The more stories you read, the more they begin to blend together. The characters change, the scenario's differ but the root of almost every story is the same. 

Most everyone has an instinctive 'trigger' which is flipped when this happens to them. Deep fear, pain, shock an a desperation thats beyond logic. A need to 'save' 'fix' and prevent 'uncoupling'. Something deep inside of you is compelling your actions. In my experience, getting around that voice or acting against it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But, the clearest and most effective way you have of emerging from this is to step outside of your comfort zone and act directly against your instincts.

Or... there is always the blue pill. lol.


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

well, talked to an officer at the OM unit. It sounded promising at first, but then got a call back saying his command falls under someone is Afghanistan, and they would email that person. Hopefully, it doesn't get dropped.

Next up my W when she gets home.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't waver , be calm and be confident. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you don't hear back from the guy you called , call him back hear what he has to say then ask how you can escalate this , like who is the commanders senior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep in mind she maybe using you as a convenint place to live until the guy return. They may have plans you don't know about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah, don't sit on this, call back and often until you get some results. If you feel you're getting the run-around. Threaten to contact your home states congressman. Nothing scares a unit commander more than having a congressman involved. That spells end of military career.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Your job is also destructive to your marriage. Time apart makes it very difficult to meet each other's intimate, emotional needs. You should try to find different work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

librarydragon said:


> Your job is also destructive to your marriage. Time apart makes it very difficult to meet each other's intimate, emotional needs. You should try to find different work.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Wecouldofhaditall (Sep 15, 2011)

I would change my job, if that was the true issue. Would it help? Maybe a little, but no guarantee. 

The fact is I exposed last night, and found out that I have been lied to alot. She was never cheated on. She just seems to have deep abandonment issues, and says she gets scared I'm going to leave her, so she does these things like stringing other men along. 

The problem is she still only wants to tell half truths. Even when she knew that I knew everything, she couldn't 100% own up to what she had written in the emails. I told her we needed to be apart for awhile. She told her parents it was over emailing some guy, but not actually what the emails were about. 

Then this morning, she said the OM emailed her saying he couldn't risk his career, and that he wouldn't email her anymore. So, I asked her reply. She said she told him she was sorry and that I had gotten into her emails. Not, It was a mistake or she was wrong. Kind of sounded like she was apologizing and that it was my fault. Of course, she deleted all the emails, so I couldn't actually read either of them. I'm beginning to think she doesn't get it.

She say's there was no PA, and I still believe that from everything I've gathered not just what she has told me. Of course, she said nothing would of ever happened. I called BS, and said this is exactly how it starts. Thanks to all the posts on this website, I know that.

I think she needs some serious IC. Part of me thinks I need to let her go, so she can try to understand herself. The other part feels like I am abandoning her in a bad time playing right into her fears.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

That part of you that feels your abandoning her is what she is counting on to string you along, so she can continue to cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She in damage control mode,she lying to you , lying to her family and is doing her best to rug sweep. Don't bother about IC or MC she is not remorseful . She still needs to hand write a no contact letter you approve to send the OM, and I strongly suggest she hand writes a letter of apology to her parents therein she specifically apologises for her affair . If she declines any of these then reconciliation is not likely to be successful , you will then have to decide what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

I read in another post you were looking for this.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Wecouldofhaditall;Then this morning said:


> Ahhh... sounds like he got the order to leave your wife alone. Got to love the military, they tend to clean their act up pretty quickly and act on things that would make them look bad. And you're right, sounds like she's more sorry that she got caught rather than breaking your trust.
> 
> What has she been doing since?


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