# Why Me? Need Advice Badly...



## Southerngurl (Apr 16, 2012)

I have been married for almost 15 years. My husband is a paranoid schizophrenic (not on meds), suffers from depression, and is disabled (degenerative disk disease, cirrohosis of the liver, etc.) Anyway... he is also on a lot of prescription narcotics which he is addicted to as well. Our marriage has been in a shambles for many years. He doesn't live in the house - lives in a camper beside the house for about 4 years or so. I am wanting to leave with the children and move on with life. Here's my problem... He is verbally and mentally abusive when he's not completely out of it. I told him last year that I was ready to go but he made all these promises to do better - all of which he broke within a couple of weeks. At the time, he said I was free to leave but I couldn't take the children. He scares me when we have these conversations and tries to make me sound crazy and feel guilty and threatens to sue me for alimony, etc. At times he has been physically abusive (never reported) - but with his health deteroirating he hasn't been that way in a few years. I just want to leave - there is NO fixing this marriage. Should I tell him I'm leaving or should I just leave one day with the kids? I'm afraid he will kill me if I take the kids from him... Any advice...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is there somewhere you could go where he couldn't find you, at least for a few weeks to allow him to adjust?

Do you have family you can get help from?

You may want to talk to a lawyer to find out if you'd have to pay him anything.

It seems that you really need to get away from this abuser as soon as you can. Do not expose your children to this man any longer than necessary!


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## Southerngurl (Apr 16, 2012)

I do have somewhere that I can go... My employers are great people, offering residence, hide my car/swap cars to go back and forth to work in and hiding me at work as well. My parents are not that supportive (my dad is a preacher and they are ultra-conservative - more or less says you made your bed hard, now lie in it - that's the hardest thing to hear too), my brother is awesome and very supportive. I have talked to a lawyer and yes it is a real possibility that I would have to pay alimony. I am waiting on the kids to get out of school at the end of May - and also to give them school break to adjust to the changes. My youngest - age 9 - adores him and thinks he hung the moon. She will be hurt the most by all of this. He has starting becoming verbally abusive to our 14 year old daughter now. And she is ready to leave ASAP. I hate admitting that I'm terrified to leave. But I am.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Do NOT give him warning. You have NO WAY to predict what he'll do.

2.) Don't worry about alimony at this point. Money is the least of your worries. Getting your kids and yourself SAFE at this point is the MOST IMPORTANT goal.

3.) Go to your local police department. Tell them about the past physical abuse (if any of your kids can verify it, bring them along.) Tell them about the verbal abuse to your 14 yo. Bring her along to verify it. Tell them about his unmedicated Paranoid Schizophrenia (IF it has actually been diagnosed.)

4.) See if you can get a Restraining Order against your husband. IF you get a RO, see if that entitles you to have police presence/protection when you move yourself and your children out of the home. If not, bring whatever ADULTS you can with you to help you move (your brother, people from work, anyone who can help protect you physically from your husband and/or can serve as witnesses if he starts to threaten you.) ADVISE THEM AHEAD OF TIME OF YOUR HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR. TELL THEM NOT TO ENGAGE HIM IN ARGUING; try to ignore him as much as possible.

5.) Once you are all safe, then you can worry about the divorce. The previous physical violence and the verbal abuse may be circumstances that mitigate you having to support your husband after you leave. But, THAT is nowhere near the top of the list of things to worry about. If you have a RO, discuss it with your attorney and see if that helps your case.

Good luck, God bless!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

BTW, it is up to YOU to decide if a loving God REALLY expects you to continue putting up with this abuse. Does a loving God REALLY expect your children to endure this? My God doesn't.

Your parents have their own beliefs, but I believe you have more important lessons to teach your children about being men, women, married adults than "you made your bed, now lie in it."


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