# Trying to stop my wifes affair an save my marriage



## edward1977

I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

See, this is the problem with trying to turn the fantasy of swinging intro reality. Unless both parties have full and open communication and set up specific boundaries, this is usually the end result.

If you're not willing to leave her...at this moment...you are going to have to create REAL boundaries with this stuff.

Do YOU want to swing or were you just going along with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatureDave

This post needs to be stickied to the top of the "sex in marriage" forum for all to see at all times!

This is precisely why it is NEVER a good idea to invite someone else into your marriage. The risk is too great, the cost/reward ratio is off the charts. 

Think about, you gave your wife blessings and even helped her screw another man. What does that say about you?

Sorry you are here, but you have a collosal mess on your hands that may be fatal, and it was brought about with your consent.


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## edward1977

I know its my fault i was just trying make one of her fantasies a reality as i said weve always been open and honest with each other probably to a fault. I just have always felt honesty was the best policy. Maybe there are somethings we should have kept to ourselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains

Have you told her you want this to stop? I assume you have seeing as she has stated she doesn't know what she wants. Have you told her this HAS to stop? 

You need to tell her it is you or her fantasy life. She needs to choose. And choose now. And if she chooses her marriage she needs to completely turn back to her marriage and completely reconnect. Have you asked her how she would feel if the situation reversed, a woman 3some and then you started getting heavily involved with this random person?

Get some marriage counselling. ASAP.


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## carolinadreams

Okay then the steps are easy enough, what may not be easy is mustering the will power.

You two discussed a joint encounter, a shared fantasy - she engaged in an individual fantasy.

You have to make it clear that everything after that weekend was not consensual and it has to stop or you will have to file for divorce.

Unfortunately your consent to the initial thing blurred the boundaries. You can't undo that but you can clearly and unequivocally state, that you are no longer comfortable (if you ever were) with other people.

Even though the boundaries were blurred she did cheat on you, unless there is a bit of the story we are missing - where you consented to her finding another candidate.

If you did consent, clear cut cheating, state your boundaries, demand all contact to cease and monitor her computer use, her Facebook, Email, and cell phone, inform the other man your wife is off limits etc.

Then go get some counseling for both of you, std tests, and maybe have your testosterone or other health parameters checked.

It doesn't sound like it was your fantasy to go along with your wife getting railed by another man, you just sort of folded into it. I'm not criticizing you, or suggesting you are a wimp - but if thats not normal thinking for you maybe there's some medical or psychological issues that need to be addressed.


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## Acabado

File for D.
Just the only option with an active, unrepetant wayward.
Hard 180 nad lawyer ip. That's what it is.


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## domah

edward1977 said:


> I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You dug yourself into a hole when you accepted her request for a three-some. It was a terrible mistake and a stupid thing to do, especially with having 3 children.

Sounds like she wont stop having sex with the other man, which you implicitly gave her permission to do once you accepted her request for a threesome. She's probably enjoying it and doesn't want to give it up. If you are unwilling to leave her, I'm not sure how you will verbally convince her to give up something she is enjoying (ie. sex with the OM). I am assuming you've asked her to stop.

The way I see it, you've got two options:


Divorce her. 
or 
Accept that you've created a 'swinger' type of relationship, and go out and get yourself a girlfriend on the side.


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## SomedayDig

domah said:


> [*]Accept that you've created a 'swinger' type of relationship, and go out and get yourself a girlfriend on the side.
> [/LIST]


At the risk of upsetting anyone, I have to say this is NOT what a swinger relationship is. It's not even close. What you're describing is an open relationship. A couple that swings properly simply wouldn't do what the OP's wife did. 

Edward...you made a messy bed. You didn't realize what you were getting in to it would appear. The biggest questions are:

1. Do you want to engage in a swinging lifestyle with your wife?

2. Have you even remotely discussed boundaries?


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## rrrbbbttt

Do not think that this is only a sexual relationship from what you are posting this is also an emotional relationship. You need to read what Dig said above and make a decision on what you are going to do.


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## barbados

Unfortunately you opened up Pandora's Box with your decision. I guess technically she is cheating on you, but you were going to be a willing party to her having sex with this guy with you being present.

If you really want R, and you want to try to snap her back to reality, may I suggest you watch the movie "Take this Waltz". Just fast forward to the end when the wife leaves for the OM, they have all kinds of freaky sex, and then low and behold that cools off and there is the wife just sitting on the couch with the guy bored and watching TV.


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## SomedayDig

rrrbbbttt said:


> Do not think that this is only a sexual relationship from what you are posting this is also an emotional relationship. You need to read what Dig said above and make a decision on what you are going to do.


Exactly...if she was "only" interested in the three-some/swinging scene, she would NOT be facebooking and blah, blah, blah with this OM.


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## edward1977

I am trying to get her to go to counciling at first it was a definate no but recently she has said she would think about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> I am trying to get her to go to counciling at first it was a definate no but recently she has said she would think about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, man...it's time to put the BIG boots on. I don't mean that to slam ya, brother - I mean that to help you.

You need to let her know this is unacceptable behavior. A wife does not do this sh-t. Period. In my opinion, the three some was a ruse so she could cake eat. She wanted to f-ck someone but wanted permission. So, let's take the swinging right the hell off of the table.

Now, you need to look her in the eye and make it very clear that if she does NOT go to counseling, that an attorney is your next call. Don't f'ng balk on that either, brother - farrrrr too many stories on TAM show what happens when you balk. Don't matter if you're a guy or a gal...you balk - you lose.

Drop that ball in her court pronto. Then...sit there. Don't say a f'ng word. Why? Cuz in ALL negotiation tactics, the next person to talk loses the negotiation. So DON'T say a word. I don't care if it's 20 minutes. DO NOT TALK.

She stops ALL contact with this punk. She also gives you every single password to every single account she's got - including CL, facebook, email and...hmmm...I'll bet ya $10 she's got a password on her phone - and ya get THAT too.

Buddy...it's time for you to take your marriage back if that's what you truly want. Just remember - you can't nice her back to you. You can't cry her back to you. You stand up and tell her how it is and what is and is NOT acceptable in the marriage.

Period.


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## ArmyofJuan

edward1977 said:


> I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's the one throwing away the marriage for an affair, not you. 

To save your marriage you have to try to end it. Anything you do this point forward will be seen as enabling the affair. The nicer you are to her, the more she will want to OM over you. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected and she will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let it (or she gets sick of you and leaves you for the OM). 

If you take a beta approach you will fail. The only real way to get your W back is to shove your foot up her asss.

The A-holes get to R, the doormats get left behind.

You are not going to nice guy her back, the NEVER works. Anything short of a hard line with her will fail. You are not the exception to the rule (but we all think we are).


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## BlindsidedinVA

edward1977 said:


> I know its my fault i was just trying make one of her fantasies a reality as i said weve always been open and honest with each other probably to a fault. I just have always felt honesty was the best policy. Maybe there are somethings we should have kept to ourselves
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a hard lesson to learn as I've only really come to it myself.

It it not your fault that she is having an affair. That is on her.


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## edward1977

First off thanks for the dumb ass comment that kinda goes without saying. Im on here because im looking for any and all advise ive done alot of research over the last three weeks and the advise out there ranges all over the place i first felt as if if i didnt let her do this she would resent me now i feel since i have allowed it she doesnt repsect me and why should she right. So i have decided to tell her to stop or i will be talking to a lawyer. I also plan to tell her parents when i pick the kids up tomorrow and let them in on everything from how it got started to where we are meow. I have already made arrangements to stay with my niece for a while so althogh im not ready to quit on the marriage i think im ready to put the ball in her court
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow

> At the risk of upsetting anyone, I have to say this is NOT what a swinger relationship is. It's not even close. *What you're describing is an open relationship.* A couple that swings properly simply wouldn't do what the OP's wife did.


correction, Dig. this is a *one-sided* open marriage.


i agree that you opened up a Pandora's box when you engaged in this activity, but it's not your fault that she's cheating on you. it's obvious your wife can't handle the situation. i don't think you can ever try this again given her recent activities.


you need to put a stop to this ASAP if you want to save your marriage.


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## warlock07

Do what cpacan did. Create your own dating profile and start dating other women. You have an open marriage anyway. She sees you begging her as your weakness and your inability to find any other women except her.

Stop begging her and start preparing for divorce. You have no chance of repairing this when you keep begging and pleading her.

Who is this other guy ?

Is he married ?


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## SomedayDig

cledus_snow said:


> correction, Dig. this is a *one-sided* open marriage.


A very good correction CS!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

edward1977 said:


> I know its my fault i was just trying make one of her fantasies a reality as i said weve always been open and honest with each other probably to a fault. I just have always felt honesty was the best policy. Maybe there are somethings we should have kept to ourselves
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If her fantasy was to kill someone would you be so willing to make it come true?

The genie is out of the bottle and you can't put it back in.

:slap:


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## cledus_snow

Op, what were/are your feelings about this threesome idea. was it mutual, or her idea?


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## edward1977

No he is not married he is some 26 yo punk who has no intentions for a long term relationship, just enjoying screwing with mine again i still own the ultimate responsibility
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## edward1977

Her idea i was just trying to make her fantasy come true stupid i know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## domah

edward1977 said:


> No he is not married he is some 26 yo punk who has no intentions for a long term relationship, just enjoying screwing with mine again i still own the ultimate responsibility
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


26 year old with a big sex drive. You said it yourself, you own the ultimate responsibility. Actually, of the three of you the order of responsibility goes like this:

1. Wife
2. Yourself
3. 26 yr old guy


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## C-man

edward1977 said:


> No he is not married he is some 26 yo punk who has no intentions for a long term relationship, just enjoying screwing with mine again i still own the ultimate responsibility
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Maybe you need to tell both of them that they are welcome to each other and wish them luck.


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## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> Her idea i was just trying to make her fantasy come true stupid i know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's cool, man. You can stop beating yourself up over it.

*And...cough, cough...I think others can stop beating you up for it as well. * 

You know you messed up with this. She probably went into warp drive when you gave her permission to follow through with the fantasy. If so, that's your first big indicator of her mindset.

You've already made a decision on what you're gonna do. All I can say is just make sure you do it without hesitation.


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## cledus_snow

> Her idea i was just trying to make her fantasy come true stupid i know


then, are you sure this wasn't going on *before *she broached the subject?

what i mean is, how can you be sure she hasn't been talking to this guy, or any other guy for that matter, behind your back prior to her approaching you with this? 

a bit fishy to me.


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## edward1977

Any advise on if telling her parents is a good idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow

if you tell her parents, she's gonna say you agreed to it..... you were all in. they're gonna say the same thing we're telling you- "wtf were you thinkin!"

you put yourself behind the 8-ball, bro.


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## edward1977

Any other guy im not sure about but this is new ive always had accsess to her phone emails and fb until this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

Yes, exposure is the quickest way to stop an affair. And her parents knowing would be huge. Just make sure that when you do it that you don't come off as being vindictive. You're doing it to SAVE your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man

To put things in perspective - this OM was 12 years old when you got married. 

How old are your own boys? 

You need to move beyond blaming yourself for what's happened - you helped to open the door, but it was your wife's decision to take advantage of the situation beyond what you mistakenly intended.

Protect yourself and protect your three boys from any fallout from this.


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## Acabado

Nothing beyond surgery exposure AND filing have any chance to make rethink what's she's doing.
She's drug addict just now.
Tough love.


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## warlock07

Was a MFF ever discussed in your fantasies?


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## edward1977

No a mff has never been an option and to be honest no threesome has ever been that apealing to me, the drug addict coment goes along with alot of what i have read than an affair is like a drug. Thats why im thinking of telling her folks maybe to create some kind of an intervention i dunno its all pretty fd up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia

carolinadreams said:


> Okay then the steps are easy enough, what may not be easy is mustering the will power.
> 
> You two discussed a joint encounter, a shared fantasy - she engaged in an individual fantasy.
> 
> You have to make it clear that everything after that weekend was not consensual and it has to stop or you will have to file for divorce.
> 
> Unfortunately your consent to the initial thing blurred the boundaries. You can't undo that but you can clearly and unequivocally state, that you are no longer comfortable (if you ever were) with other people.
> 
> Even though the boundaries were blurred she did cheat on you, unless there is a bit of the story we are missing - where you consented to her finding another candidate.
> 
> If you did consent, clear cut cheating, state your boundaries, demand all contact to cease and monitor her computer use, her Facebook, Email, and cell phone, inform the other man your wife is off limits etc.
> 
> Then go get some counseling for both of you, std tests, and maybe have your testosterone or other health parameters checked.
> 
> It doesn't sound like it was your fantasy to go along with your wife getting railed by another man, you just sort of folded into it. I'm not criticizing you, or suggesting you are a wimp - but if thats not normal thinking for you maybe there's some medical or psychological issues that need to be addressed.


Took the words out of my typing. Nothing to add to this.


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## kenmoore14217

You had to go for Cub Scout Training???????? And you are entertaining 3 some ideas. Really???


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## edward1977

Thanks for that one kenmore i dont feel bad enough already
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

edward1977 said:


> I know its my fault i was just trying make one of her fantasies a reality as i said weve always been open and honest with each other probably to a fault. I just have always felt honesty was the best policy. Maybe there are somethings we should have kept to ourselves
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not your fault. Might be worth checking how you can legally protect you and your boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

Maybe you THOUGHT you both have always been honest. But the fact that she went ahead and started having sex with a complete stranger without you there belies her honesty.

She is taking advantage of your good nature. She's lost respect for you and now you can not trust what she says. That's not how marriage works.

Tell her to leave or drop doofus. Tell her to go with you to MC AFTER she drops doofus or you will go to a lawyer.

Say it and mean it! Don't make deals with her, don't beg, or cry. You are the head of your household and family. Take charge of your life. You either have a wife who is committed to you, faithful to you, and honest with you or you don't have a wife but a callous parasite for a roommate.


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## Jasel

Honestly I think filing for divorce followed quickly by exposure is the best bet at breaking up an affair. Let's the WS know you're serious, more likely to snap them out of the fog and kill the affair, and you can always withdraw the petition (although don't be quick to do so until you're sure the affair hasn't just moved underground and you're in a false reconcilliation).

Anyway just my 2 cents. Your wife most likely isn't going to take any verbal threats of yours seriously. When it comes to breaking up an affair, actions always speak louder than words. Which most WS in the fog don't listen to anyway.


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## SomedayDig

SIDE BAR....

People - this Puritanistic view isn't helpful to the OP. Guess what? There are millions of people who engage in swinging who are good people. As a matter of fact, I just for the hell of it went to a couple swinging forums to search for infidelity and cheating. They DO NOT condone such. As a matter of fact, it would seem that they have the most open and honest communication as well as strong boundaries in their relationships.

While I understand we all might not necessarily agree with their choice of lifestyle, let's not throw OUR sh-t onto them. They don't approve of cheating either.


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## Acabado

I'd also add to Dig post the fact that nothing of what might led to this affair is relevant until she stops actively cheating. Nothing.


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## Acabado

Man you don't need a family intervention. Think hard about your boundaires and enforce them: TODAY.

NC letter to OM paroved by you, sent in your presence.
Complete transparence for now on.
Full disclosure of her affair/old transgressions.
__ insert here whatever rule you migh think.

... or D.

No time to think, not confused, no trials, not barganing.
If she doesn't agree and immediately aplies the rules you file for divorce. Period.

It's hard but very simple.


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## NatureDave

Gotta disagree, Somedig...

According to Merriam-Webster,

Adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband

Doesn't matter if it is condoned or the spouse is right there in the same room, it is going outside of the marriage and that is adultery.

My wife and I have been pursued by swingers and they can also be as predatory as it gets.


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## edward1977

This guy has had a history in the swinging lifestyle before and predetory you bet if any thing she tells me can be believed she has told him it would not be ongoing or long term and he has told her hewould not stop persuing heisnot married so i really dont have any thing to threaten him with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

NatureDave said:


> Gotta disagree, Somedig...
> 
> According to Merriam-Webster,
> 
> Adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband
> 
> Doesn't matter if it is condoned or the spouse is right there in the same room, it is going outside of the marriage and that is adultery.
> 
> My wife and I have been pursued by swingers and they can also be as predatory as it gets.


Brother...then they ain't true lifestyle swingers. I've got some good friends who are into that lifestyle. One guy is a Colonel in the armed forces, another is a CEO of a pretty big local company. Both of them do a lot for the community and do charity work. I've talked to them, especially in light of Regret's affair. I asked them about it in their lifestyle and way of thinking. Both of them said it's not what swinging is about. Infidelity, to them, is going ahead and doing stuff without their mate's approval. Annnd...drumroll...when they heard about Regret they never offered or chased or pursued us to join their lifestyle. They are good friends.

While I can understand the dictionary definition of adultery, it just isn't theirs. Don't get me wrong - there's no way in HELL that I'd get into that lifestyle and sharing Regret with ANYONE!

But, I would be willing to bet the people who preyed on you and your wife would not be welcome in a "normal" swingers circle. It sucks that was your experience with people claiming to be swingers. Like I said, my friends are pretty cool and don't flaunt their sh-t in anyone's faces.


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## walkonmars

You need to take control. From today forward, it's your duty.
Your three boys are going to get wind of this someday and wonder why you didn't act. 

At least do it for your kids. Are they using protection? Probably not. He's doing others too. What if he gives her a disease, and she gives it to you. 

There is much long term harm being done - and not just to you.


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## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> This guy has had a history in the swinging lifestyle before and predetory you bet if any thing she tells me can be believed she has told him it would not be ongoing or long term and he has told her hewould not stop persuing heisnot married so i really dont have any thing to threaten him with
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now this, Dave...THIS I can believe 100%. (the predator part) How can a single guy be a swinger?!

Now, Edward...if this f'er says he's not gonna stop pursuing her, well - I don't condone violence, however I don't think I'd let some smarmy f-ck talk like that. He needs a little wake up call.


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## walkonmars

Where are they meeting?
How often?


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## edward1977

walkonmars said:


> Where are they meeting?
> How often?


As far as actualy meeting she said it has only happened once but she talks to him on the phone fb and emails daily
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> Now this, Dave...THIS I can believe 100%. (the predator part) How can a single guy be a swinger?!
> 
> Now, Edward...if this f'er says he's not gonna stop pursuing her, well - I don't condone violence, however I don't think I'd let some smarmy f-ck talk like that. He needs a little wake up call.


He told her in the beginning when it was starting he had had edperience in threesomes and swinging withe previous relationships
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## edward1977

NatureDave said:


> Gotta disagree, Somedig...
> 
> According to Merriam-Webster,
> 
> Adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband
> 
> Doesn't matter if it is condoned or the spouse is right there in the same room, it is going outside of the marriage and that is adultery.
> 
> My wife and I have been pursued by swingers and they can also be as predatory as it gets.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt

edward1977 said:


> as far as actualy meeting she said it has only happened once but she talks to him on the phone fb and emails daily
> _posted via mobile device_


*trickle truth alert!!!*


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## edward1977

edward1977 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A cornered her about protection this morning that was one o te rules when it was gonna be the 3 she told me they did not use any, so i for the first time since the affair has come to light i have lost it with her. She works in an Ob/Gyn office and knows how fing stupid that was
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

You can bet she tried all sort of kinky with him. THAT'S what has her juices flowing. Put an end to this.


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## edward1977

I dont know that it could have been any more kinky that alot of what we do as i said before the sex has never been one of our problems
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

edward1977 said:


> I dont know that it could have been any more kinky that alot of what we do as i said before the sex has never been one of our problems
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That may be. But unless she is mentally ill, she found it less than satisfactory or else she would have waited for you to be available and she wouldn't have broken the agreement to use condoms. 

So that's two boundaries she crossed. You probably had an agreement to not get emotionally entangled. And she obviously has. So, that's three boundaries. 

You can't leave it up to her statement that "it won't last". Not at all. She may mean it will be a few weeks or a few months. Maybe a few years? Are you willing to wait. To jeopardize your health, your marriage, your family?

Can you answer this: What are you hoping will happen in the next two days? What are you doing to make it happen? How far are you willing to the the status quo go on?


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## edward1977

What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

edward1977 said:


> What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are you leaving?

She's the one destroying your family.

Ed, it appears that you are used to giving your wife whatever she wants. Correct?

Take your power back and pack her sh!t in hefty bags and tell her to go live with her boytoy.


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## theroad

edward1977 said:


> What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not move out of your house. Unless you want F' yourself legally.


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## tom67

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Why are you leaving?
> 
> She's the one destroying your family.
> 
> Ed, it appears that you are used to giving your wife whatever she wants. Correct?
> 
> Take your power back and pack her sh!t in hefty bags and tell her to go live with her boytoy.


:iagreeon't move out let her move!


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## carmen ohio

edward1977 said:


> What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


edward1977,

Do not leave your home before talking to an attorney. In some places, voluntarily leaving is construed as abandonment and can affect you parental rights in a divorce proceeding.

As others have said, if anyone is to leave, it should be her since she is the one who went outside the marriage.

I agree with the others' advice that, if you want save your marriage, you need to deliver a tough message to her. Best to have already spoken to an attorney so that you can tell her honestly that you are ready to file for divorce.

Be strong. Good luck.


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## SomedayDig

Let's not jump the gun here people...the way I read it on Page 2, he's just going to stay at his nieces - he's not moving out. Now, would it be better for her to go to her parent's house? Yes. However, I think it needs to be stated Edward isn't moving out and shouldn't fear being labled with "abandonment". Especially, if it's agreed on why he's going to stay there for a bit.


----------



## edward1977

carmen ohio said:


> edward1977,
> With school in and our sitter for the twins being close to the house it would be easier on her if i went to my neices houseshe takes the twins to the sitter, fd up hug im still trying to make things easier on her
> Do not leave your home before talking to an attorney. In some places, voluntarily leaving is construed as abandonment and can affect you parental rights in a divorce proceeding.
> 
> As others have said, if anyone is to leave, it should be her since she is the one who went outside the marriage.
> 
> I agree with the others' advice that, if you want save your marriage, you need to deliver a tough message to her. Best to have already spoken to an attorney so that you can tell her honestly that you are ready to file for divorce.
> 
> Be strong. Good luck.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## this is bad

You move. You lose. Just that simple. Get a lawyer before you make things worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## barbados

edward1977 said:


> Any advise on if telling her parents is a good idea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if the parents really need to know the 3 some thing just yet. You could simply say that your WW is cheating on you. If the more "sensational details" arise in the future, then so be it.


----------



## barbados

edward1977 said:


> A cornered her about protection this morning that was one o te rules when it was gonna be the 3 she told me they did not use any, so i for the first time since the affair has come to light i have lost it with her. She works in an Ob/Gyn office and knows how fing stupid that was
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to get yourself tested for STD's.


----------



## edward1977

barbados said:


> You need to get yourself tested for STD's.


I intend to not that it makes much of a diffrence now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

edward1977 said:


> A cornered her about protection this morning that was one o te rules when it was gonna be the 3 she told me they did not use any, so i for the first time since the affair has come to light i have lost it with her. _Posted via Mobile Device_


 A threesome involves you being there. Even if you agreed to a threesome you did not agree to her going off on her own with him. Even for a swinger she cheated.


----------



## TRy

edward1977 said:


> What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Do not leave the house. Move rooms but do not leave the house. It is really not that complicated. Tell her you were not there and she did it without your consent. Tell her that you had the right to have second thoughts and she took that right away from you. Tell her that you are exercising that right now and that you do not want an open marraige. Tell her to end all contact with this other man today or will file for divorce. Stop over thinking this.


----------



## carolinadreams

SomedayDig said:


> SIDE BAR....
> 
> People - this Puritanistic view isn't helpful to the OP. Guess what? There are millions of people who engage in swinging who are good people. As a matter of fact, I just for the hell of it went to a couple swinging forums to search for infidelity and cheating. They DO NOT condone such. As a matter of fact, it would seem that they have the most open and honest communication as well as strong boundaries in their relationships.
> 
> While I understand we all might not necessarily agree with their choice of lifestyle, let's not throw OUR sh-t onto them. They don't approve of cheating either.


You are right, but I'd wager most of the people who dabble in swinging just shouldn't - can doesn't mean should. Most people just aren't wired to be able to share that way without diminishing their attachment to the primary relationship. Just contemplating for instance, makes me want to hurl.


----------



## carolinadreams

Edward, I want you to go see your doctor and get tested for thyroid, testosterone and vitamin d. Also get an individual counselor.

Your communications sound passive, and unassertive. You sound like someone who "stuff" happens to. If you don't break out of your passivity, a lot of unfortunate stuff may be happening to you real soon.

Now is the time to be deliberate, active, and decisive. Realize you deserve to be treated fairly, and you should insist on it.


----------



## SomedayDig

carolinadreams said:


> You are right, but I'd wager most of the people who dabble in swinging just shouldn't - can doesn't mean should. Most people just aren't wired to be able to share that way without diminishing their attachment to the primary relationship. Just contemplating for instance, makes me want to hurl.


I agree. The thought of "sharing" my wife is simply something I'm not willing to entertain. That said, though, if it works for them I am not going to villify them at all. As long as there is honesty and open communication that's all that matters. As I read on a forum...they do NOT approve of cheating whatsoever and seems cheaters are quickly denied access to their functions. Or whatever they're called...


----------



## walkonmars

carolinadreams said:


> Edward, I want you to go see your doctor and get tested for thyroid, testosterone and vitamin d. Also get an individual counselor.
> 
> Your communications sound passive, and unassertive. You sound like someone who "stuff" happens to. If you don't break out of your passivity, a lot of unfortunate stuff may be happening to you real soon.
> 
> Now is the time to be deliberate, active, and decisive. Realize you deserve to be treated fairly, and you should insist on it.


Great advice. Ed, do this. It's important.


----------



## edward1977

I have always been very passive i dont like conflict and always have just kinda gone along that was one of her complaints today when we were talking. So tonite for better or worse she is gonna see a change in that attitude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Cool, calm and dispassionate tonight either it ends or she will force you to file.


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> A cornered her about protection this morning that was one o te rules when it was gonna be the 3 she told me they did not use any, so i for the first time since the affair has come to light i have lost it with her. She works in an Ob/Gyn office and knows how fing stupid that was
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The trickle truth started...


----------



## walkonmars

edward1977 said:


> I have always been very passive i dont like conflict and always have just kinda gone along that was one of her complaints today when we were talking.


All the more reason to follow carolinadreams advice and get those tests done. It might just be your personality, but it could also be a hormonal & vitamin defeciency. It happens to lots of guys.


----------



## jfv

There are a large percentage of swingers that are weary of 'single men' who are in the lifestyle. The biggest reason is that the balance of power is way off. Unlike another couple, single men have nothing to lose. Alot of couples don't do the single male thing until they've had some experience and have proven to eachother that they can respect the boudaries they've created, and can have sex with other people without becoming attatched. 
Anyway, sorry this isn't really about swinging anymore is it?

She stops today or you lawyer up tomorrow. No negotiating.


----------



## edward1977

She should be home in about 20 min or so after dinner and the kids go to bed we are gonna talk or im gonna talk and she is gonna listen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carolinadreams

Good for you man, stand your ground, and do the things you need to do. Don't wait for it, don't hope for the best. Do what needs to be done.


----------



## badbane

edward1977 said:


> I am trying to get her to go to counciling at first it was a definate no but recently she has said she would think about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THis statement would send me into a hot raging boil.... She will think about is this woman opens her legs and SHE WILL THINK about going to a councilor. oooooohhhhh hheeelllll nooo. 
It would be you go to counciling on this day with this guy or the next time you walk out the house the locksmith will come change the locks. 

She will turn over all of her cell phones, email addresses, and laptops and will be fully transparent or if I am paying for them they get turned off. Send to a data recovery specialist, and she can screw around on her own.

Go into the lie and truth thread in my signature and study up. So you don't get fed bull ****** and aren't prepared for it.


----------



## KanDo

Edward,

I am so sorry you are here. You have been given some good advice above (and some not so great advice). I will give you my thoughts and my best wishes.They begin with you manning up a bit. No man should accept what your wife is doing. (she will CONSIDER counseling?) You have been tolerating this for too long already. If it was me, I would show her the door *today*. My story is in my signature. Maybe it will help some.

1) Ultimatum is tonight. In a dispassionate but firm voice you need to tell her that it is over. Either with you or with him. Her choice, but you will not be a party to a 3 way marriage. And you need to make it clear that *you mean it*. Not by yelling or scream and certainly not by pleading. But by being resolved. If you don't, then you are getting what you deserve which is to be a cuckold man.

2)Absolute transparency. EVERY password and account. (And you haven't got a keylogger on the computer already, I'll reach right through this computer and smack you)

3) NC letter written by the both of you and mailed by you with the explicit threat of a stalking charge if he contacts her in any way.

4) You both start MC in the next week. Non-negotiable.

5). You read no more mister nice guy NOW.

6) Head down to Walgreen's and buy a couple of red rubber balls. They will have to do until you find yours.

I personally would tell her parents ASAP and no way would I leave my home.

Good luck


----------



## edward1977

I intend on getting all of her passwords when i lay it all out tonite i am tired of not sleeping and feeling like ive been kicked in the gut all of the time thank for all of the advise its gonna be a long night
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Don't accept ANY compromises. For example, if she agrees to MC but wants to keep contact. No ma'am. Sorry.


----------



## Iver

I found the simple phrase "This is not acceptable" provided me a lot of clarity - sometimes you need something that simple to focus on.

She needs to stop all contact immediately. After a No Contact letter is sent she needs to get tested for STD's - you must get the results from her as well. 

Full access to social media - no deleting texts/emails allowed.

Oh yeah, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) for her car - see if she is talking to him behind your back...

Lastly, do meet with a lawyer to understand what a divorce entails even if she agrees to all your conditions.


----------



## turnera

Good luck. Remember, you survived before her, you can survive without her.


----------



## jlc29316

Life is not a porno movie. Those people have no emotional attachment to each other. It's strictly business for them.

I wish people would stop emulating fantasy.


----------



## bryanp

Good Luck Edward,

If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would be accepting you continuing in the marriage and having an affair.

The fact that she did this behind your back and deliberately did not use protection is a clear deal-breaker. Did she have sex with him in your home as well?

I have a hunch she believes that since you were willing to have a 3 some that you would be willing to accept that she will have a lover while in the marriage. Of course this is ridiculous.

Remember: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I believe when she starts to think that you are really serious about divorce she will more than likely come out of the fog. I think telling her parents is a good idea.

The fact again that she would do this with a guy in a swinger lifestyle without protection shows clearly how little respect she has toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## edward1977

I am going to stand up and demand she calls him infront of me and ends it and gives all passwords up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

edward1977 said:


> I am going to stand up and demand she calls him infront of me and ends it and gives all passwords up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't back off on your boundaires.
If she doesn't agree immediately you ask a day off at work and see a lawyer. That simple.
If she does you still snoop like a hook on her back;
Keyloggers, VARs, spyware on the phone... the whole 9 yards.
And please think with your head, don't sleep with her anyway, until she delivers a clean STD test.


----------



## Jasel

edward1977 said:


> I am going to stand up and demand she calls him infront of me and ends it and gives all passwords up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After you do this though make sure you still keep tabs on her to the best of your ability. It's not uncommon for these things to go underground despite NC demands. Hope things work out. GL.


----------



## jfv

Make sure she threatens to go to the police if he contacts either of you again.


----------



## Myka

If she refuses, fights, and all the other stuff. You might try turning off your cell, walking out of the house and going to the movies for a couple of films. Just enough time to make her wonder if you're coming back. 

Maybe that's a bad idea. I'm the newbie here so take what I say with a grain of salt.


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## Wazza

Edward, if your confrontation has not happened yet, I suggest an alternative.

Drop some bags of clothes and such at her parents. Tell them she has taken a lover and will not agree to give him up, and that you will not allow that situation to continue. You have proposed marriage counselling and she has not agreed. She will need somewhere to stay until she figures herself out. Can she help them out.

Then tell her to go stay at her parents until she can make other arrangements.

You are not prepared to discuss anything until she promises to end the other relationship and at that point the first discussion is how to be sure she is telling the truth.

Unleash serious hell on her to get her to wake up. Heated words in an argument are nowhere near enough.

And you have to fight dirty. She is. Doesn't matter how decent she is normally. Your head is going to spin as you see what she is capable through all this. It just seems to be a common theme with cheating spouses.


----------



## just got it 55

edward1977 said:


> I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what you get for thinking you can share your wife with another man


----------



## Will_Kane

Edward, I'm sorry about your situation.

There is a range of normal human behavior.

Your wife's behavior is not within that range.

She is not normal. Something is wrong with her.

Almost everyone believes cheating is wrong. Almost everyone hides their cheating. When caught cheating, this is what normal cheaters do:

1. Cry, apologize, and stop cheating.
2. Cry, apologize, and say they're going to stop, but just hide it better.
3. Hesitantly say that they can't decide what they want, ask for a separation and space to figure it out, and keep on cheating, either rationalizing that it's now OK because they're separated or keep hiding it.
4. Defiantly say they are not happy and want a divorce.

What your wife is doing - cheating openly and telling you she plans to continue it - is very, very cruel. It shows a complete lack of sympathy and empathy and is a sign of a very selfish, damaged, broken person. Only the hard-core cheaters do what your wife is doing. When caught, most cheaters will try to minimize the pain to their spouse by either stopping the cheating or hiding it better or divorcing so their spouse can move on. Very few ask the spouse to remain married while they continue to openly cheat.


----------



## just got it 55

edward1977 said:


> What i hope is she is willing to stop the affair , i intend to tell her to stop it today and as said earlier i have already arranged for somewhere else to go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently you can't fix stupid Don't leave the home if you do you lose game over.


----------



## Shaggy

Be prepared to be lied to. She has shown you where her loyalties lie and it is not wth you.

She's already been aggressively building an emotional and sexual relationship with him that she has worked hard to exclude you from.

So she will lie tonight to protect her investment in the OM.

Post the OM in cheaterville.com and document the kind of ass he is. Exposé him and it will help sour his relationship wth her.


----------



## edward1977

He is single so i dont see where listing him on a cheating website will help he has nothing to lose
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wazza

Will_Kane said:


> Edward, I'm sorry about your situation.
> 
> There is a range of normal human behavior.
> 
> Your wife's behavior is not within that range.
> 
> She is not normal. Something is wrong with her.
> 
> Almost everyone believes cheating is wrong. Almost everyone hides their cheating. When caught cheating, this is what normal cheaters do:
> 
> 1. Cry, apologize, and stop cheating.
> 2. Cry, apologize, and say they're going to stop, but just hide it better.
> 3. Hesitantly say that they can't decide what they want, ask for a separation and space to figure it out, and keep on cheating, either rationalizing that it's now OK because they're separated or keep hiding it.
> 4. Defiantly say they are not happy and want a divorce.
> 
> What your wife is doing - cheating openly and telling you she plans to continue it - is very, very cruel. It shows a complete lack of sympathy and empathy and is a sign of a very selfish, damaged, broken person. Only the hard-core cheaters do what your wife is doing. When caught, most cheaters will try to minimize the pain to their spouse by either stopping the cheating or hiding it better or divorcing so their spouse can move on. Very few ask the spouse to remain married while they continue to openly cheat.


I would have said she's basically a variant of your option 3.


----------



## Wazza

edward1977 said:


> He is single so i dont see where listing him on a cheating website will help he has nothing to lose
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Update?


----------



## Shaggy

edward1977 said:


> He is single so i dont see where listing him on a cheating website will help he has nothing to lose
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually it will follow him, and the next husband he does thus to will see it.

Leo its for your wife to see, that there are also consequences to the trash she chose to have an affair with.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

edward1977 said:


> He is single so i dont see where listing him on a cheating website will help he has nothing to lose
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quit being so fvcking passive. 

That's how you got into this mess in the first place.

Post his ass up there for the world to see.

He has his reputation to lose.

Sheesh!


----------



## Remains

Edward, did you confront her? What was her reaction? What was the outcome? 

I believe you can sort this out quickly if you take strong decisive action. It HAS to be this though. It absolutely CANNOT show any sign of weakness or accepting anything less than total dedication to you and the marriage.


----------



## Wazza

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Quit being so fvcking passive.
> 
> That's how you got into this mess in the first place.
> 
> Post his ass up there for the world to see.
> 
> He has his reputation to lose.
> 
> Sheesh!


Single promiscuous guy...you post that women are willing to go to bed with him and not break it off when their husband requests it.

And this is seen as hurting his reputation? I really don't get it. I don't like infidelity, but lots of people just don't see it that way.


----------



## edward1977

The a**hole is now on cheaterville.com last night i got all passwords she agreed to counsuling and called him in front of me. So it will be over or underground, while i was getting and verifying passwords on her phone i installed spybubble on her phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains

I don't see how you can put him on cheating ville, he is not cheating. He slept with your wife with your permission (originally). I agree with wazza above.

Now, if he continues to pursue and really does not back off (and his words weren't just young man hot air) then I suppose you have some thing then....'this man sleeps with married women, actively pursues married woman, tries to steal men's wives' ....but really it is very unfair, and full of misplaced anger, to post him right now. He originally came to you at both your request, and he came to your wife at hers. That is all he has done essentially. Don't take your anger out on the wrong person. If he continues to pursue tho, by all means put it up there for all to see.


----------



## jfv

good job.


----------



## SomedayDig

Remains said:


> I don't see how you can put him on cheating ville, he is not cheating. He slept with your wife with your permission (originally). I agree with wazza above.
> 
> Now, if he continues to pursue and really does not back off (and his words weren't just young man hot air) then I suppose you have some thing then....'this man sleeps with married women, actively pursues married woman, tries to steal men's wives' ....but really it is very unfair, and full of misplaced anger, to post him right now. He originally came to you at both your request, and he came to your wife at hers. That is all he has done essentially. Don't take your anger out on the wrong person. If he continues to pursue tho, by all means put it up there for all to see.


But that's just it. The punk ass said he was NOT going to stop pursuing his wife. Those "words" in my book constitute a threat.

Slam dunk...cheaterville gains another scumbag.


----------



## cledus_snow

i think your wife is more deserving of a cheaterville profile than this guy, as she's the one who's in a committed relationship.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Wazza said:


> Single promiscuous guy...you post that women are willing to go to bed with him and not break it off when their husband requests it.
> 
> And this is seen as hurting his reputation? I really don't get it. I don't like infidelity, but lots of people just don't see it that way.


This guy has to work, right?

He won't always be a young stud whoore.

This will follow him for years to come.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Remains said:


> Don't take your anger out on the wrong person.


WTF?

He can't be angry at both of them?

This guy is fvcking his wife.

I guess you'd wouldn't be angry with another dude banging your wife.


----------



## Remains

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> WTF?
> 
> He can't be angry at both of them?
> 
> This guy is fvcking his wife.
> 
> I guess you'd wouldn't be angry with another dude banging your wife.


Yeah course! 

But he was invited into their relationship. She then invited him to be with her. Once as far as I am aware (correct me if I am wrong). And we don't know what she said to him about him coming to screw her alone...no 3sum, no hubby. She crossed the boundaries. She cheated. 

He is just a man tart who is out for any kind of shag he can get. There's millions of them out there. I agree he could do with some consequences for his reckless behaviour, but I do think posting him at this point seems a little off the mark. And as I said, if his words are not just hot air, if he means those words, yes! He deserves a Google search that lists his name on cheating scum ville.


----------



## Remains

Don't get me wrong, I don't disagree with him being posted, I just don't think he should go up just yet. Only if and when he does pursue the wife.


----------



## ThePheonix

edward1977 said:


> Her idea i was just trying to make her fantasy come true stupid i know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate to tell you this but she really didn't want a threesome. What she wanted, and got, was a little something on the side. Something else I hate to tell you. When a gal is crazy in love with their husbands, they don't desire a little something on the side.


----------



## TRy

ThePheonix said:


> I hate to tell you this but she really didn't want a threesome. What she wanted, and got, was a little something on the side.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:

@OP: If you take nothing else away from this thread, know that the above is what really happened.


----------



## Shaggy

First, the punk does belong on cheaterville.he was invited to join a threesome wth a man and his wife. Instead he jumped in to an affair with the wife, including putting a ton of time sexting etc with her.

He willingly changed the game rules instead of walking away. AND he's said hes done this before, so the punk who happily engages in cheating.

He belongs up there to warn future foolish couples who contact him for a threesome.


----------



## KanDo

Edward,

Please remain vigilant. This was just one battle in your war. I suspect as you go through counseling you may re-consider whether this woman is worthy to be called your wife. You get to set the ground rules. If you end up in that position, do not feel obligated to stay in the rlationship. She detroyed that obligation by her actions.

Please read No More Mister Nice Guy as I previously recommedned. I think it will help you alot.


----------



## SomedayDig

Free copy right here. It's a pretty easy read. Hell, you can even download it to your computer. I've had it for about a year.

No More Mr. Nice Guy


----------



## edward1977

Thanks dig just started reading it not even through chapt 1 and wow is alot of that me how fvcked up am i
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

You'd be surprised how many men need to read that book. They oughta make you read it in high school.


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> The a**hole is now on cheaterville.com last night i got all passwords she agreed to counsuling and called him in front of me. So it will be over or underground, while i was getting and verifying passwords on her phone i installed spybubble on her phone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what id she exactly tell him? Did you push her into making that call or is she starting to realize what she did ?


----------



## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> Thanks dig just started reading it not even through chapt 1 and wow is alot of that me how fvcked up am i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know brother...there _was_ a lot of me in there, too.


----------



## alte Dame

Remains said:


> I don't see how you can put him on cheating ville, he is not cheating. He slept with your wife with your permission (originally). I agree with wazza above.
> 
> Now, if he continues to pursue and really does not back off (and his words weren't just young man hot air) then I suppose you have some thing then....'this man sleeps with married women, actively pursues married woman, tries to steal men's wives' ....but really it is very unfair, and full of misplaced anger, to post him right now. He originally came to you at both your request, and he came to your wife at hers. That is all he has done essentially. Don't take your anger out on the wrong person. If he continues to pursue tho, by all means put it up there for all to see.


Actually, edward has said that he is pursuing this no matter what. He was invited to a threesome, not into the marriage as a homewrecker:

"This guy has had a history in the swinging lifestyle before and predetory you bet if any thing she tells me can be believed she has told him it would not be ongoing or long term and *he has told her hewould not stop persuing*..."


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

SomedayDig said:


> I know brother...there _was_ a lot of me in there, too.


Me too ... couldn't help but think ... damn, I screwed up half my life and I didn't even know it ... it's on me.


----------



## edward1977

Have any of you been through this or something similar, maybe not been stupid enough to cause it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tulsy

edward1977 said:


> ...she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man.
> 
> .... she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend.
> 
> ....Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around.


So you agreed to a 3some (why the F), but instead she decided to just have an affair with a man, without you there? 

How is it a 3some without you there? 

So she just wanted to cheat on you....and she did, and half hides it from you, but sorta lets you know at the same time. 

So you have enabled her to date and have an exclusive sexual relationship with another man. 

You should have NEVER allowed someone else into your marriage, especially without your presence.

This is a really screwed up situation. Unfortunately, I think this is going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship.

Stand up for yourself and be firm on your boundaries.


----------



## edward1977

Ok so im on the way to get the twins at the inlaws tell them or not if i do i intend to lay the blame on myself as well for alowing this to get started
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> Ok so im on the way to get the twins at the inlaws tell them or not if i do i intend to lay the blame on myself as well for alowing this to get started
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You probably won't get this in time, but here's the thing: If you do tell your inlaws you simply tell them the truth from beginning to end. She wanted and asked for a 3-some. You gave in and said okay. She got in touch with someone and started this affair. 

Get ready for a tough road though, cuz you'll be talking to HER parents. No matter what, blood is gonna stand behind blood. They may be unhappy, but don't think they're gonna be your "friends" through this. Your WIFE needs to be the one to get them to the table in that regard. They need to hear it from her.


----------



## turnera

edward1977 said:


> Ok so im on the way to get the twins at the inlaws tell them or not if i do i intend to lay the blame on myself as well for alowing this to get started
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 An honorable man will tell the truth, including his part. It's not like they don't know what sex is...


----------



## edward1977

I did and i told them exactly how it went down start to finish. They are pissed, dissapointed in me pissed at her they already had a feeling and aked her she lied to them i told them not to let know i told them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I love it when parents get mad at their kids like that. I just hope it sticks. More often than not, they then soften under their daughter's tears. And you end up getting all the blame. But you did good.


----------



## edward1977

It felt great to let it out other than here i havent told a soul was like a huge weight of my chest
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

That's part of what it's supposed to do, Edward...take some of the burden off of your shoulders and honestly put it where it should be - on your wife's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wazza

The cheaterville thing....I was not arguing whether he belonged there...he does. I was questioning what good it does.

I have never ha it come up when I googled someone and I don't k is that it would change a hire/fire decision anyway.


----------



## Iver

So you told her parents not to tell her you told them??? why?

Your wife needs to feel the consequences of what she did...the affair needs to lose it's luster and having her parents s*** on her is a great start to that.

Don't forget to get a VAR for her car & house and keylogger on the computer...and decide ahead of time what you'll do if she is still in touch with the OM...oops, I meant the POSOM....


----------



## edward1977

I was honestly surprised at their reaction i got less wtf were u thinking out of them than i have on here they put almost all of it on her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> I was honestly surprised at their reaction *i got less wtf were u thinking out of them than i have on here* they put almost all of it on her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, man...that gave me a good laugh. Luckily, I didn't spill any of my Jack!

Truth is, she is the one who asked for it. You...knucklehead...gave in and said okay without fully researching what "swinging" was going to entail. I'm glad they saw what a lot of us here saw in your wife. Now, you have a second set of eyes on her. That is exactly what you need. I will however always caution - they are HER parents. Don't think they will "take your side" in everything.


----------



## tom67

Ed you owned it like a man how could they lay it on you. Now go have some hysterical bonding tonight.


----------



## SomedayDig

tom67 said:


> Ed you owned it like a man how could they lay it on you. *Now go have some hysterical bonding tonight.*


Oh...you're gonna tick off a lot of posters with that comment, Tom!! LMAO

Ed...I'll do some hysterical bonding for you tonight. Just go...I don't know - watch Twilight or something :rofl:


----------



## edward1977

Iver said:


> So you told her parents not to tell her you told them??? why?
> 
> Your wife needs to feel the consequences of what she did...the affair needs to lose it's luster and having her parents s*** on her is a great start to that.
> 
> Don't forget to get a VAR for her car & house and keylogger on the computer...and decide ahead of time what you'll do if she is still in touch with the OM...oops, I meant the POSOM....


They are gonna tell her they know and that the put 2&2 together they were already suspicious, her dad even asked her and she lied and told him no. Her mom is torn up about it. They cant believe im willing to work it out. I told them its because i still love her and my marriage and kids are very important to me. I told them im not quite ready to throw 14 good years away for a couple of bad months and some poor decision making by both of us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

Maybe it's been asked, but how do you know she didn't know the other man before she asked for the threesome?


----------



## Iver

Gotcha - it looks like things are starting to move in a positive direction for you and your marriage... 

Hate to harp on it but you must insist she get tested for STD's, especially considering who she got involved with.


----------



## terrence4159

Myka brings up a great point


----------



## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> Sorry, man...that gave me a good laugh. Luckily, I didn't spill any of my Jack!
> 
> Truth is, she is the one who asked for it. You...knucklehead...gave in and said okay without fully researching what "swinging" was going to entail. I'm glad they saw what a lot of us here saw in your wife. Now, you have a second set of eyes on her. That is exactly what you need. I will however always caution - they are HER parents. Don't think they will "take your side" in everything.


I am fully aware of that like i said we have had our small ongoing problems most couples do over the years money shared household duties etc.they pointed those out as well. We lost her little brother 3 years ago andim kinda the only son they have now, but i know she is still their daughter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

edward1977 said:


> I did and i told them exactly how it went down start to finish. They are pissed, dissapointed in me pissed at her they already had a feeling and aked her she lied to them i told them not to let know i told them
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You need more not less honesty in your marriage, why would you tell her parents not to let her know that you told them? The whole point of telling them is so that they can support you in making sure that she stops cheating; which they cannot do if they cannot even admit that they know. Also, they are her parents, she has a right to know. Besides they will eventually tell her that they know. Tell her parents that you will tell her yourself and that it is OK for them to admit that they know. Be prepared for her to be mad no matter how you handle this. Tell her that you told them the whole truth including the parts that makes you look bad, and that you did it to have them help you protect the marraige.


----------



## SomedayDig

Honestly, Edward...I think you're doing fine.


----------



## edward1977

Myka said:


> Maybe it's been asked, but how do you know she didn't know the other man before she asked for the threesome?


I dont and it really doesnt make much of a differnce to me as long as it stays stopped. Right now her credibility with me is s**t with me so i take everything with a grain of saltbut she did give up all passwords to all accounts ( that i know of) and called him in front of me to tell him its over so there we are right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Watcha gonna do when she asks (in a few months) about the original plan?


----------



## alte Dame

Edward, it's been less than 36 hours since you started this thread and you have made such progress. Good on you! You exposed, took control and now are letting her know what the consequences are. Stay strong. It's the only way to get through this.


----------



## edward1977

walkonmars said:


> Watcha gonna do when she asks (in a few months) about the original plan?


That will be a big f u to her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## edward1977

Well it may be stupid but we are on a date as we speak five guys and bowling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Edward, you began this as a possibly joint sex adventure.

What you found out was your wife had no interest in you being involved. That you were no longer a priority to her sexually as a lover or a partner.

Each time for the next many months you need to look back and realize where you are as a priority to her and know you are not priority #1, and you are not her go to person for physical intimacy,

You must be vigilant and watchful of her because she will most likely watch where you are watching her and seek a way to bypass you to get with the scumbag.


----------



## warlock07

I think your wife will blow up on you if you ask to share her with another woman (like she did). Can you guess why ?


----------



## turnera

five guys are the best! Seriously!


----------



## 3putt

turnera said:


> five guys are the best! Seriously!


Now I know where I'm picking up lunch from tomorrow. 

Salivating.


----------



## SomedayDig

LMAO. I'm sorry...just too funny not to share my insanic thoughts.

Five Guys?!! Really, Edward. Haven't you seen what just one extra will do?!!!!!

:rofl:


----------



## 3putt

SomedayDig said:


> LMAO. I'm sorry...just too funny not to share my insanic thoughts.
> 
> Five Guys?!! Really, Edward. Haven't you seen what just one extra will do?!!!!!
> 
> :rofl:


LOL, I know. I started to respond to that earlier but just reduced myself to......


----------



## turnera

What's your ultimate goal?


----------



## warlock07

How did she react when you made her make the call to the OM? Was she willing and remorseful ? Or did you make her do it through ultimatums ?


----------



## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> LMAO. I'm sorry...just too funny not to share my insanic thoughts.
> 
> Five Guys?!! Really, Edward. Haven't you seen what just one extra will do?!!!!!
> 
> :rofl:


Did that was some funny s**t and to those wondering why we went on a date because as stated earlier i am not ready to give up14 years and 3 kids over our stupid decisions and a couple of bad months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## edward1977

turnera said:


> What's your ultimate goal?


As the posting states save my marriage i do not believe divorce has to be the answer to a problem marriage with the proper counseling and work. My parents slit up twice when my dad cheated they are still married today. Im willing to do what ever it takes to protect my children from the trauma of divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

The problem with "hanging in there for the kids" is that being in a household with parents that should get divorced is worse being in a household where they are divorced. Besides, it typically a cop out. Too many time I've seen men make the "staying for the kids" claim only to work jobs that kept them away most of the time. And if the truth were know, its usually the woman that ends a relationship.


----------



## Shaggy

edward1977 said:


> As the posting states save my marriage i do not believe divorce has to be the answer to a problem marriage with the proper counseling and work. My parents slit up twice when my dad cheated they are still married today. Im willing to do what ever it takes to protect my children from the trauma of divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to be willing to hold your wife accountable for her choices to betray, lie, and cheat, and to make another man the priority in her life.

That's what she has done to you, and she did it even when you were being supportive and kind to her. That is a lesson to learn here.

She put effort into the other man, she valued him, make her work to earn you back and she will value you, if you just rugsweep and forgive she will loose respect and not value you, and that will lead to continued cheating.


----------



## Wazza

ThePheonix said:


> The problem with "hanging in there for the kids" is that being in a household with parents that should get divorced is worse being in a household where they are divorced. Besides, it typically a cop out. Too many time I've seen men make the "staying for the kids" claim only to work jobs that kept them away most of the time. And if the truth were know, its usually the woman that ends a relationship.


Well, I stayed, and yes I did the demanding job thing.

It happens the kids are adults and we are still together, but even if we split tomorrow, the fact that I protected my kids from the risk of an abusive stepfather is enough.

Not urging it for everyone...it has it's downside. But for me it was a valid option.


----------



## Machiavelli

turnera said:


> You'd be surprised how many men need to read that book. They oughta make you read it in high school.


How about 5th grade? That way it can be deployed in Junior High when it's really needed.


----------



## Machiavelli

edward1977 said:


> As the posting states save my marriage i do not believe divorce has to be the answer to a problem marriage with the proper counseling and work. My parents slit up twice when my dad cheated they are still married today. Im willing to do what ever it takes to protect my children from the trauma of divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey, man. I read your thread. Back when I was a young bodybuilder, many years before the internet existed outside of university CS departments, I was invited by two couples to bang the wife while the H watched. The women, my coworkers in a large organization which employed many swingers, were doing the picking. Why do you think they picked me? Strictly physique. They didn't like me anymore when I said "no." That's a big slap in the face for a woman to offer sex and be turned down. Anyway, the bottom line is that your wife isn't sexually attracted to you anymore, that's why she came up with this 3 some BS and started an affair with your "bull."

Time to hit the weights and read "Married Man Sex Life". Read that and do some serious bodybuilding and you'll be getting looks from women that will ddrive your wife up the wall. The more she knows and understands you can replace her with 3 hotter and younger chicks, the more she'll be into you. Whether she stays or goes, the physique and the knowledge about how to deal with women will serve you well in the future.


----------



## BobSimmons

Plan 9 from OS said:


> First off, I don't get why you two are on a date given what happened. Second, dinner date at 5 Guys???


Purposeful irony...


----------



## Remains

That last page was a bit weird. A lot! 

Read over it again with the assumption that five guys is 5 men. And that you have never ever heard of an eatery called five guys!

.....what was really disconcerting was turnera saying how great 5 guys is (WTF???!!!!) and then 3putt salivating! (double, triple WTF!!!!) 

My mind was boggling!


----------



## enigma99

Remains, sorry to burst your bubble, but there really is a chain called Five Guys, and they are widely known to make the best hamburgers. My wife and I have gone there many times, when we need a quick date.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Even though we speak the same language, things sometimes get lost in translation.

Remains, the last page was clearly meant to be humorous (humourous) - most Americans would get it.


----------



## Chaparral

Remains said:


> That last page was a bit weird. A lot!
> 
> Read over it again with the assumption that five guys is 5 men. And that you have never ever heard of an eatery called five guys!
> 
> .....what was really disconcerting was turnera saying how great 5 guys is (WTF???!!!!) and then 3putt salivating! (double, triple WTF!!!!)
> 
> My mind was boggling!


http://www.fiveguys.com/:rofl::rofl::p


----------



## SaltInWound

SomedayDig said:


> LMAO. I'm sorry...just too funny not to share my insanic thoughts.
> 
> Five Guys?!! Really, Edward. Haven't you seen what just one extra will do?!!!!!
> 
> :rofl:


Thank you, thank you. I needed a good laugh today. Yesterday was a bitter mood for me and I woke up today not much better.


----------



## edward1977

Well i told her her parents know, that went oner like a football bat. She is pissed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> Well i told her her parents know, that went oner like a football bat. She is pissed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like you give a f*ck. let her be pissed.


----------



## Jasel

edward1977 said:


> Well i told her her parents know, that went oner like a football bat. She is pissed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let her be pissed.


----------



## SomedayDig

Warlock and Jasel are right, man. Tough cookies. She now knows you mean business and aren't gonna rugsweep this. I would be willing to bet she won't be calling your bluff anytime soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

OP, it sounds like you're hell bent on R. Now, you've been told to download and read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer, already. Have you done so?

It sounds to me like you're already back to breaking The Sixteen Commandments.

How would you rate yourself on this breakdown of the Male Socio-Sexual Heirarchy?


----------



## Shaggy

edward1977 said:


> Well i told her her parents know, that went oner like a football bat. She is pissed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More pissed than you are pissed by your wife cheating on you?

Her being pissed is because she doesn't value you enough to care about you seeing her as a cheater. What I mean is she doesn't value your opinion of her, she threw that worry away when she chose the OM over you.

But she cares about her parents opinion of her. 

So she's upset that you told the truth on her.

Btw, I hope you are watching her closely and are prepared to file if she continues with him or others, her actions seem more like someone who is planning on taking it more underground than a remorseful spouse who wants to save the marriage.

A big part of the reasoning here is how your wife created this situation. She introduced her need to have other men to please her. She offered to let you be part of that, but when it came right down to it, she realized that she didn't want you to be involved. That she wanted another man one on one with her. She didn't want you there because it would have become between her and the OM, that you would have had expectations of the dynamic being you and her having a threesome with a third guy. The reality is that you were the third not the primary. But even that was more than she wanted you to be, she wanted you out of the picture so she could fully give herself to the OM with out you being a distraction.

This all went on in your wife's planning and thinking before she got into bed with the OM the first time.

It all adds up to, your wife at the start of all of this chose to replace you with a new man, and she carefully managed it step by step toward that goal.

I don't think she's just gonna abandon her plan because fundamentally her goal remains: replace you.


----------



## Jasel

Shaggy said:


> Btw, I hope you are watching her closely and are prepared to file if she continues with him or others, *her actions seem more like someone who is planning on taking it more underground than a remorseful spouse who wants to save the marriage.*


This.


----------



## Machiavelli

Shaggy said:


> I don't think she's just gonna abandon her plan because fundamentally her goal remains: replace you.


She only wants a replacement(s) in the sex department at least for now. She was content to have Edward paying the bills.

Edward, your sex rank is in the toilet. What are you doing to fish it out?


----------



## warlock07

I repeatedly asked this question. How willing was she to go NC with the OM ? Did she act like she was forced to make a choice ? Was she acting remorseful when she made tha call or was it "Fine, I will do it if that is what you want "


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Machiavelli said:


> She only wants a replacement(s) in the sex department at least for now. She was content to have Edward paying the bills.
> 
> *Edward, your sex rank is in the toilet. What are you doing to fish it out?*


:scratchhead:


----------



## SomedayDig

Just sayin...Regret wanted 5 Guys tonight.

I let her.

It tastes soooooo goooooood. Love that they have an app to order and pay - walk in...grab it and go. Gotta have fuel for our 8pm date!


----------



## edward1977

Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your marriage can survive her being mad, it won't survive her continuing affair.

Tell her you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and you make no apologies for doing anything and everything in your power to make sure that the affair is over.


----------



## walkonmars

Wow!
She left because she's in a snit. She's in a snit because you revealed her cheating. 

I have a sense that she wasn't remorseful at all - just trying to appease you and the ultimatum. In fact she may have had it in her mind that she'd pick up where she left off w the OM as soon as the smoke cleared. 

Now that her parents know, it will be more difficult to lay blame on you. I hope you placed a VAR in her car as well as a gps.


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All you did was tell the truth.

Is her friend in on her adultery?

Don't be fooled, part of it is that she is very upset she can no longer have her stable secure home life PLUS her adultery partner, too. She would have been perfectly happy to go on that way indefinitely.

It was more than just physical sex with this guy. She was on the phone and facebook with him constantly, that tells you it was emotional on her part. She was getting off on his desire for her.


----------



## edward1977

walkonmars said:


> Wow!
> She left because she's in a snit. She's in a snit because you revealed her cheating.
> 
> I have a sense that she wasn't remorseful at all - just trying to appease you and the ultimatum. In fact she may have had it in her mind that she'd pick up where she left off w the OM as soon as the smoke cleared.
> 
> Now that her parents know, it will be more difficult to lay blame on you. I hope you placed a VAR in her car as well as a gps.


I have placed spy bubble on her phone and i think she is remorseful she is really hirt her parents know what she has done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

Shaggy said:


> More pissed than you are pissed by your wife cheating on you?
> 
> Her being pissed is because she doesn't value you enough to care about you seeing her as a cheater. What I mean is *she doesn't value your opinion* of her, she threw that worry away when she chose the OM over you.
> 
> But *she cares about her parents opinion *of her.
> 
> So she's upset that you told the truth on her.
> 
> Btw, I hope you are watching her closely and are prepared to file if she continues with him or others, *her actions seem more like someone who is planning on taking it more underground than a remorseful spouse who wants to save the marriage*.
> 
> A big part of the reasoning here is how your wife created this situation. She introduced her need to have other men to please her. She offered to let you be part of that, but when it came right down to it, she realized that *she didn't want you to be involved*. That she wanted another man one on one with her. She didn't want you there because it would have become between her and the OM, that you would have had expectations of the dynamic being you and her having a threesome with a third guy. *The reality is that you were the third *not the primary. But even that was more than she wanted you to be, *she wanted you out of the picture so she could fully give herself to the OM* with out you being a distraction.
> 
> *This all went on in your wife's planning *and thinking before she got into bed with the OM the first time.
> 
> It all adds up to, your wife at the start of all of this chose to replace you with a new man, and she carefully managed it step by step toward that goal.
> 
> *I don't think she's just gonna abandon her plan *because fundamentally her goal remains: replace you.


I felt like this from the start. Her reaction does nothing to dissuade me.

This was never about a threesome, it was about her having sex with another guy. The threesome only came about because she thought you would tolerate that, she would have pushed for sex alone with another guy without you involved at all if she thought you would be OK with it.

She's known this guy how long? A few weeks? Just sex? And she won't drop this guy in a split second when she knows you're not OK with it?


----------



## edward1977

Will_Kane said:


> I felt like this from the start. Her reaction does nothing to dissuade me.
> 
> This was never about a threesome, it was about her having sex with another guy. The threesome only came about because she thought you would tolerate that, she would have pushed for sex alone with another guy without you involved at all if she thought you would be OK with it.
> 
> She's known this guy how long? A few weeks? Just sex? And she won't drop this guy in a split second when she knows you're not OK with it?


I am not certain on how long. But she did call him infront of me on speaker phone. He was none to pleased
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> I am not certain on how long. But she did call him infront of me on speaker phone. He was none to pleased
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This won't be the first time a cheater used a fight to leave the house and continue the adultery.

Is the friend in on it? Will the friend allow her to use her phone to make calls to the other guy? Can you see if your wife is talking to or meeting up with this guy?

This was not just physical, it was emotional.


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> I am not certain on how long. But she did call him infront of me on speaker phone. He was none to pleased
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How willing or hesitant was she to give up this guy?


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> I have placed spy bubble on her phone and i think she is remorseful she is really hirt her parents know what she has done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remorseful makes no sense, she was committing adultery right in your face and not even hiding it from you, why all of a sudden is she remorseful? Because her parents know? What are you, chopped liver?


----------



## Will_Kane

If she gets back in contact with this guy, what are you going to do?

One thing I think you should do if you find out this guy tries to contact her is to find out as much as you can about this guy and blow up his life as much as you legally can. Let him know you are not to be messed with. Make it more trouble than it's worth for him.


----------



## edward1977

Will_Kane said:


> How willing or hesitant was she to give up this guy?


She was quite willing and quick to do so when i told her to i have been her bit*h for fourteen years and i think she liked me taking charge. It just really hurt her to know her folks knew what she has been doing so she is pissed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkonmars

Her anger and her "remorsefulness" are non sequitur IMO. 

If she was truly remorseful (for what she did and how she's treated you) she would be okay and even grateful that there was some way she could express her sorrow. 

She might have been remorseful that you were laying down the law. But a remorseful person normally would be looking for ways to make amends. Right? 
]
Will Kane has a good point. How sure are you that the friend is a friend to your marriage and not an enabler to her cheating? Is she likely to "take revenge" by calling the OM? You know your wife (or think you do, I'm beginning to think that some posters here know her better than you think you do). Is she vindictive? 

Does she know about spybubble?


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you know this friend ? Often is the case that the wife leaves to her paramour's house after a fight with her friend covering for her


----------



## bryanp

How do you think she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? How did she expect you to act? These are the consequences to her actions.


----------



## Will_Kane

Your wife's reaction - getting pissed at you for telling her parents - is out of line with true remorse. Wives who are truly remorseful are just so happy that you are not leaving them over it that they are willing to do anything and everything to help you get over it and they would look at exposure to parents as an unfortunate consequence of THEIR OWN ACTIONS.

True remorse would be her saying, "OK, I did it, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, I didn't want my parents to know about it, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself because I actually did it."

Then she would call her parents and apologize for disappointing them, to tell them she was disappointed in herself as well.

So your wife's behavior makes me think she is more interested in taking the affair underground, using her being "pissed" at you as a convenient excuse to get away and get in touch with the other man, to let him know that the phone call was all bvllsh1t instigated by you, and that she still wants him. 

I hope I'm wrong.

But in my opinion, your wife leaving to stay with a friend over the fact that her parents know is way out of line with what a truly remorseful spouse would do in that situation.


----------



## edward1977

walkonmars said:


> Her anger and her "remorsefulness" are non sequitur IMO.
> 
> If she was truly remorseful (for what she did and how she's treated you) she would be okay and even grateful that there was some way she could express her sorrow.
> 
> She might have been remorseful that you were laying down the law. But a remorseful person normally would be looking for ways to make amends. Right?
> ]
> Will Kane has a good point. How sure are you that the friend is a friend to your marriage and not an enabler to her cheating? Is she likely to "take revenge" by calling the OM? You know your wife (or think you do, I'm beginning to think that some posters here know her better than you think you do). Is she vindictive?
> 
> Does she know about spybubble?


No she doesnt know about spy bubble and no she is not like like most women and vindictive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

What is worse, cheating on your spouse, or telling the parents about the cheating?

Because you didn't leave when you found out she was cheating, but she left when she found out you told on her.

So I guess to her, you telling the parents was way worse than her cheating.

She wanted to go on, have you take her out bowling and to Five Guys, and have THAT be the consequence for her cheating.

I can tell you this: if the cheater doesn't have consequences, the cheater usually is not too discouraged from cheating the next time the opportunity presents itself.

There are some cheaters who are really disappointed in themselves for having cheated, really ashamed of what they have done. Your wife does not seem disappointed in herself or ashamed of her behavior, only upset that her parents found out.

What is your assessment of your wife's mental state? Just a day ago she was still in the midst of an affair, knowing that you knew and that it was incredibly painful to you, with no intention of giving it up until you put the screws to her.


----------



## alte Dame

Most women really get upset at the idea that people don't think they are good, respectable people. They worry tremendously about their reputations. This is one of the reasons that exposure is so very important.

Your WW's reaction to exposure is typical - her perfect world would be to cheat on you and maintain the 'good girl' reputation to the rest of the world. By blowing that up, you've made her angry, you've destroyed her perfect world. But that's what needs to happen. She needs to know that you won't tolerate her version of your married life.

So, you may be taking heat from your WW about exposing to her parents, but make no mistake - it was the right thing to do.

You say that she likes the new, assertive you - keep doing it. It was assertive to tell her parents. You need to be in control now. You are in control of what she has to do in order for you to agree to reconcile. Don't drop the ball now.


----------



## edward1977

alte Dame said:


> Most women really get upset at the idea that people don't think they are good, respectable people. They worry tremendously about their reputations. This is one of the reasons that exposure is so very important.
> 
> Your WW's reaction to exposure is typical - her perfect world would be to cheat on you and maintain the 'good girl' reputation to the rest of the world. By blowing that up, you've made her angry, you've destroyed her perfect world. But that's what needs to happen. She needs to know that you won't tolerate her version of your married life.
> 
> So, you may be taking heat from your WW about exposing to her parents, but make no mistake - it was the right thing to do.
> 
> You say that she likes the new, assertive you - keep doing it. It was assertive to tell her parents. You need to be in control now. You are in control of what she has to do in order for you to agree to reconcile. Don't drop the ball now.


Thx ive really second guessed telling her folks but they already had an idea and i was not willing to lie to them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Even though we speak the same language, things sometimes get lost in translation.
> 
> Remains, the last page was clearly meant to be humorous (humourous) - most Americans would get it.


And it was clearly humorous! For me anyway! 

I am just glad someone described it as an eating establishment on the next page. 

I just thought some of you may like to read the humorous page from where I was reading


----------



## Chaparral

What you really need to do is drop by the friends house to see if she is there. Pretend to drop something off. 

The odds are no better than 50/50 she won't be with the other man.


----------



## walkonmars

She found no shame or embarrassment in humiliating you and making you an unwilling cuckold but finds it embarrassing to make that fact known to her parents? 

Have her see a dr for a full medical checkup and a psychiatrist for an evaluation as a consequence of her recent actions.


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## Remains

What you MUST NOT do at this point is back down or show ANY uncertainty about what you did and why regarding telling her parents. Do not show your weakness about this. If you do, she will pounce on it, and she will grind you down until you are the one apologising and you are the one being punished. You did NOTHING wrong. You did EVERYTHING right. Believe that...truly! If you show any uncertainty in this at all she will have you and eat you for breakfast. And not the pleasant version. 

Also, VAR! 

Also, check her whereabouts. Absolutely check. And you have every right and every reason to check. Drop by, or call her. When you call her, ask to speak with her friend too. Make sure she is where she said she is and with whom she said she was with.


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## Remains

I also agree that she is not truly remorseful. Not yet anyway. As she was not instantly remorseful once she was found out (and why should she be, she was doing all of it, bar one on one sex, right in front of you) she will probably only find her real remorse, if she has any, once she sees what she has got to lose. Remember that. She needs to see what she has got to lose! Stand firm. Make her see that. Real consequences.

You have to be willing to lose your (crap) marriage in order to save your (good) marriage.


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## TRy

edward1977 said:


> Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 She cheated on you and that seems to be no big deal. You told her parents the truth and she moves out. You very briefly manned up and took control. She just took it back. There are to be no consequences for her cheating because in the end you will do nothing but complain, but she has showed you that there are consequences for making her mad. Instead of her worrying about you throwing her out for betraying you, you are worried about getting her back. Wow. Just wow.

Stop worrying about what your wife thinks all of the time. What you think matters too. You wanted to tell her parents and too bad if she does not like it. Really compared to her cheating, you should not give it a second thought. You should tell her that it is insulting to you as a person that she even brings this up in the same breath as her cheating. Also, the fact that she thinks that you telling her parents is worse than her cheating, tells you that she will cheat again.


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## cledus_snow

edward, did you tell your in-laws that it was an idea(threesome) both of you initially agreed to? it really wouldn't be fair to anyone, unless you told them how this inappropriate relationship came about.


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## TDSC60

edward1977 said:


> Thx ive really second guessed telling her folks but they already had an idea and i was not willing to lie to them
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DO NOT SECOND GUESS TELLING THE TRUTH.

She put you in a position where you had to make a choice. Lie to them and protect her cheating lifestyle or tell the truth. It is her fault - all of it.

Sorry to say she has no remorse for cheating. She is just sorry she got caught. She knew it was wrong, she knew her parents would disapprove, she knew it would cause you pain, she knew it would place your marriage in danger, but she did it anyway.

Now she leaves because you would not lie to her parents for her? 

I know you do not want to throw 14 years out the window but she has already done that. She is no longer the woman she was 14 years ago. Please do not believe that your wife can return and everything will be as it was before her cheating. This new woman you are married to is not the same one you married.

You need to look closely at who this new woman is, what her morals are, what her priorities are and decide if this is the wife you want because this is the one you are stuck with now unless you take action to change it.


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## turnera

edward1977 said:


> She was quite willing and quick to do so when i told her to i have been her bit*h for fourteen years and i think she liked me taking charge. It just really hurt her to know her folks knew what she has been doing so she is pissed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Oh well....


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## carolinadreams

Who cares that she was mad you told her parents. I hope you don't. You should have immediately said, if your embarrassed as being seen as a cheating *****, don't behave like a cheating *****.

I know a lot of this is new ground for you, but you need to be firm - you can do it without being an arse, but when in doubt err on the side of being an arse. Keep communication deliberate and concise, dont argue, blurry communication leads to meandering pointless anger etc. Don't lecture.


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## Shaggy

You might want to see who she really is with on this Saturday night. I would not be the least surprised that she is currently hooking up with the OM.

Her walking out on you for you telling the truth shows where her head is at.


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## Remains

carolinadreams said:


> ..... but when in doubt err on the side of being an arse.


I love this quote! 

And absolutely yes! In this situation, you have been wronged in a huge way. Err on the side of being an arse, or you will just look very very weak.


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## theroad

enigma99 said:


> Remains, sorry to burst your bubble, but there really is a chain called Five Guys, and they are widely known to make the best hamburgers. My wife and I have gone there many times, when we need a quick date.


You call having 5 Guys a quick date?


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## theroad

edward1977 said:


> I have placed spy bubble on her phone and i think she is remorseful she is really hirt her parents know what she has done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope that you did not tell her this because she will just get an affair phone.

Also without telling WW put a key logger on the PC.


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## theroad

How did you and your WW find the OM?

Past experience has shown that many a WW had an OM in place and the affair was already started. Or the WW had deired the to go PA with the OM and used the threesome to make her having an affair easier for her to do by not having to hide it.


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## Acabado

Watch her closely (whereabouts, comounication devices) just NOW.

Nothing as anger to give you permission to do whatever you already wanted to do.

Follow her, hire a PI, male you own snooping... whatever. She was too determined to taste "stranger" to just stop so easily. She just need a inch of excuse to cave in again.


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## edward1977

theroad said:


> How did you and your WW find the OM?
> 
> Past experience has shown that many a WW had an OM in place and the affair was already started. Or the WW had deired the to go PA with the OM and used the threesome to make her having an affair easier for her to do by not having to hide it.


CL as far as i know. Im not taking anything she says as the truth right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

edward1977 said:


> CL as far as i know. Im not taking anything she says as the truth right now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Given your wife's agenda and the reaction of being dumped I doubt she did it through CL. The OM didn't act like a guy who saw it as a casual sex hookup, he put way too much time into texting her for it to just sex.

There is very likely a connection that initially brought them together that you do not know. It is even possible they knew one another before your wife's threesome idea and that was her clever way of introducing him visibly into the relationship,

Sorry, but every smoke time I have heard of a wife suggesting either an open relationship or a mmf three way, she has always has the OM lined up and primed.


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## TRy

edward1977 said:


> CL as far as i know. Im not taking anything she says as the truth right now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That right there tells me that you were not an active participant in finding the other man or in the threesome process. She found him or already knew him on her own. It also shows your lack of enthusiasm for the idea and that she was pushing this on you. It appears that all that you did was verbally OK the idea of a threesome when pushed by your wife. When push came to shove, when the reality of it would start to take shape, there is a very good chance that you would have changed your mind and not gone through with it; many do just that. You canceling the threesome and going off to the cub scouts instead of going through with the threesome, shows you moving in the direction of not going through with it. You therefor cannot be held accountable for allowing a threesome with your wife when it never actually happened, and you were not given the chance to agree in person before it actually happened. Also, your wife going off and one on one with the other man without your consent is not at all the same as a threesome with you there participating. Your wife knew that you did not want to do it, and she wanted to do it anyways. 

Did you know that swingers have rules? A standard rule is that they will allow their spouse to change their mind without complaint or pressure. Another standard rule is that they will never have sex with anyone else without specific prior consent each and every time. Your wife broke these standard swinger rules. Even for a swinger, your wife would be called a cheater.


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## Chaparral

Did you check to see if she was where she was supposed to be last night?


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## Jonathan35

I did not read all of the responses but most of them seem to be blaming you for "allowing" this to happen by being open to a threesome. This is 100% NOT your fault. She just wanted to have another man and that is how she brought it up. This was going to happen (or most likely was already happening) regardless of your response to the threesome request. She just wants another man. Plain and simple. Get rid of her unless you want to live in a one-sided open relationship. I can't believe how, I'll just say it, dumb some of the people here are. This is just a woman having an affair. It was probably going on long before you even went on the vacation/work trip. Trying to blame it on the threesome is just totally missing the point here. That being said, threesomes are not right for everyone. But this situation has nothing to do with the threesome.


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## anonim

edward1977 said:


> No she doesnt know about spy bubble and no she is not like like most women and vindictive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are in a deeper fog than your wife is.


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## theroad

TRy said:


> That right there tells me that you were not an active participant in finding the other man or in the threesome process. She found him or already knew him on her own. It also shows your lack of enthusiasm for the idea and that she was pushing this on you. It appears that all that you did was verbally OK the idea of a threesome when pushed by your wife. When push came to shove, when the reality of it would start to take shape, there is a very good chance that you would have changed your mind and not gone through with it; many do just that. You canceling the threesome and going off to the cub scouts instead of going through with the threesome, shows you moving in the direction of not going through with it. You therefor cannot be held accountable for allowing a threesome with your wife when it never actually happened, and you were not given the chance to agree in person before it actually happened. Also, your wife going off and one on one with the other man without your consent is not at all the same as a threesome with you there participating. Your wife knew that you did not want to do it, and she wanted to do it anyways.
> 
> Did you know that swingers have rules? A standard rule is that they will allow their spouse to change their mind without complaint or pressure. Another standard rule is that they will never have sex with anyone else without specific prior consent each and every time. Your wife broke these standard swinger rules. Even for a swinger, your wife would be called a cheater.





Jonathan35 said:


> I did not read all of the responses but most of them seem to be blaming you for "allowing" this to happen by being open to a threesome. This is 100% NOT your fault. She just wanted to have another man and that is how she brought it up. This was going to happen (or most likely was already happening) regardless of your response to the threesome request. She just wants another man. Plain and simple. Get rid of her unless you want to live in a one-sided open relationship. I can't believe how, I'll just say it, dumb some of the people here are. This is just a woman having an affair. It was probably going on long before you even went on the vacation/work trip. Trying to blame it on the threesome is just totally missing the point here. That being said, threesomes are not right for everyone. But this situation has nothing to do with the threesome.


WW's story does not pass the smell test. WW's story stinks all the way up to heaven.

She pushed and found an OM on her own.
She refused to postpone the event because the BH could not be there.
This is about a WW that wanted some new meat. Doing what ever she needed to get some strange.


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## Remains

edward1977 said:


> CL as far as i know. Im not taking anything she says as the truth right now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you checked out yours and his CL profile? 

It could be possible that they were chatting on there before the 3some idea/excuse came up. Can you access all the chat history your wife had on your profile?

Or, and this is more likely than the 1st possibility, she knew him/had been chatting to him somewhere else and he joined CL just so he could be your 3some partner. You say she found him? And within about a week? That is far too convenient. It takes a while to find a suitable partner, and even to find one so quick, it is convenient you were all free at the same time so soon. And why did she do all the finding of the partner? That should have been very much a joint venture. This is all very peculiar and her version of the story makes no sense.

Check out when his join date was (do you have an accessible join date on CL? And I assume you have to set up a profile?) Was his join date the week you agreed to a 3some? 

And how much time did she spend on the internet alone before your chat about 3somes?


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## Remains

And did you check she was where she said the other night? 

Have you VAR'd the car yet? Are you going down that route? I would strongly suggest you do. And DO NOT feel guilty. She has produced this situation with her own doing. Not you! 

Has she come home yet?


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## Acabado

Remains said:


> And did you check she was where she said the other night?


I think everybody knows where she was or at least who she was with.


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## just got it 55

Remains said:


> That last page was a bit weird. A lot!
> 
> Read over it again with the assumption that five guys is 5 men. And that you have never ever heard of an eatery called five guys!
> 
> .....what was really disconcerting was turnera saying how great 5 guys is (WTF???!!!!) and then 3putt salivating! (double, triple WTF!!!!)
> 
> My mind was boggling!


That's ****ed up


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## SomedayDig

Regret had 5 Guys once without even including me in the mix. I was pretty bummed out and felt betrayed. Not as bad as her affair, but it was pretty damn close cuz she said she didn't even think about me when she made her selfish decision.


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## edward1977

Yes she was with the friend las night
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> Yes she was with the friend las night
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The proper friend she was supposed to be with or the scumbag dude?


----------



## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> The proper friend she was supposed to be with or the scumbag dude?


Proper friend, she had called him in front of me the other night but was still talking to him on fb i have been watching it as that had been thier main comm. she talked to him some last night while her and her friend were out. I was waiting to see how long she thought she could push me them to day again while she disnt know i was watching her fb she totally broke it off was pissed at him about something. I dont really care what it appears he is out of the picture so we can get back to working on us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

Good. Just make sure Bella knows that Jake needs to stay outta the picture!



lol...see what I did there?!


----------



## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> Good. Just make sure Bella knows that Jake needs to stay outta the picture!
> 
> 
> 
> lol...see what I did there?!


Yes i did it may sound gay but ive read all of those books
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

edward1977 said:


> Proper friend, she had called him in front of me the other night but was still talking to him on fb i have been watching it as that had been thier main comm. she talked to him some last night while her and her friend were out. I was waiting to see how long she thought she could push me them to day again while she disnt know i was watching her fb she totally broke it off *was pissed at him about something*.This part is some what disturbing.. A few have post´s have been suggesting that this could be a long term.Rather then short term.I would have to agree. And her being pissed of,Kinda support´s it *I dont really care what it appears he is out of the picture* You should care.. One reason see above.*so we can get back to working on us* That can only happen once she is truth full..
> 
> You mentioned that OM was single. Don´t bet on that he will stay away Or that you´re wife will to for that matter..
> I´m not convinced that this was a short term.I hope i´m wrong.. But just watch you´re back..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## edward1977

Oh i totally intend to i know it sounds totally stupid, but i do believe her that its over due to the fact that i alredy knew by seeing her fb and she still felt she needed to tell me she could have very well kept it to herself im not sayin i trust her because her credibility with me is **** right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

edward1977 said:


> Yes i did it may sound gay but ive read all of those books
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't read them...however we do own the DVD's.

I've been looking for my "man card" ever since!! :rofl:


----------



## edward1977

SomedayDig said:


> I didn't read them...however we do own the DVD's.
> 
> I've been looking for my "man card" ever since!! :rofl:


Well she got me to reading them after we saw the first movie so i went back and read them all. Actually if you like to read they are really good reads its not my typical reading material but not bad i normaly read james rollins and dan brown type stuff
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

You read stuff along my lines. My wife has all the books and I've heard they're quick reads. Just don't know if I can do it. My idea of vampyrs is 30 Days of Night. Real vampyrs don't sparkle!! LOL


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## edward1977

Yeah but they move fast kinda like a james rollins besides i had already read all of the dan brown and james rollins books that were out at the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> Yes i did it may sound gay but ive read all of those books
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


gay!!!!


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> Proper friend, she had called him in front of me the other night but was still talking to him on fb i have been watching it as that had been thier main comm. she talked to him some last night while her and her friend were out. I was waiting to see how long she thought she could push me them to day again while she disnt know i was watching her fb she totally broke it off was pissed at him about something. I dont really care what it appears he is out of the picture so we can get back to working on us
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It could be a lovers quarrel


----------



## edward1977

warlock07 said:


> It could be a lovers quarrel


After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Everafter2013

edward1977 said:


> After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So she broke it off because he *gasp* lied and probably cheated on her? And you are okay with being her second option because....?


----------



## jim123

edward1977 said:


> After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is replacing you and her BF is helping her.

Wise up fast. You may want to file or at least seek legal advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## edward1977

Everafter2013 said:


> So she broke it off because he *gasp* lied and probably cheated on her? And you are okay with being her second option because....?


Because my dumbass still loves her for one and two i dont believe that 14 years of an otherwise great marriage is worth throwing away just yet. Alittle background on me my parents have split up twice over my dads infidelities yet they are still together and have been foe 24 years since the last one so i know if she is truly finished and willingto work on it then i will be. Im not saying im over it just yet but its worth saving
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

Remains said:


> That last page was a bit weird. A lot!
> 
> Read over it again with the assumption that five guys is 5 men. And that you have never ever heard of an eatery called five guys!
> 
> .....what was really disconcerting was turnera saying how great 5 guys is (WTF???!!!!) and then 3putt salivating! (double, triple WTF!!!!)
> 
> My mind was boggling!


LMAO..yeah, that international thing can really screw up some comprehension and interpretaions sometimes, eh?

Too funny.


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And she had unprotected sex with this douchenozzle?


----------



## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> Because my dumbass still loves her for one and two i dont believe that 14 years of an otherwise great marriage is worth throwing away just yet. Alittle background on me my parents have split up twice over my dads infidelities yet they are still together and have been foe 24 years since the last one so i know if she is truly finished and willingto work on it then i will be. Im not saying im over it just yet but its worth saving
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The logic is self defeating.


----------



## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> Because my dumbass still loves her for one and two i dont believe that 14 years of an otherwise great marriage is worth throwing away just yet. Alittle background on me my parents have split up twice over my dads infidelities yet they are still together and have been foe 24 years since the last one so i know if she is truly finished and willingto work on it then i will be. Im not saying im over it just yet but its worth saving
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Caught committing adultery, exposed to her parents, after calling to end it with the other guy, she leaves and goes to a friends house.

Her life in shambles, of course they go out (partying?).

And of course she contacts other man, whom just the night before she had told she never wanted contact with again.

Her message to him: "I've been checking CL, and I can see you posted yet another ad looking for women. I'm pissed and I'm ending it with you. I can't believe you would lie to me!?

Now she's back home, she told her husband she ended it (but not that she ended it because other man was lying to her and, in effect, cheating on her).

You can't make this stuff up, can you?

Certainly doesn't sound like a purely sexual relationship, like the original threesome was supposed to be. In such a short time, she developed such strong feelings for him. Willing to risk her entire marriage and family.

Now what do you do? Do you tell her parents again, she said she wouldn't contact the guy any more, your daughter still is contacting him, can you ask her to stop?

How smart (or stupid) is your wife? If other man contacts her again, and tells her this time he REALLY has stopped posting his sleazy little ad on CL (same ad she saw to begin with - I bet that drove her crazy that he didn't even change the wording from the ad she responded to), that she really is the only one for him, will she once again forgive him and give him another shot? Apparently she gave him a few chances already before this last one.

What is your wife saying about this latest fiasco in your marriage? Still pissed at you for exposing to her parents?


----------



## Remains

edward1977 said:


> After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They definitely knew each other longer than a week! Have you checked the profile info I mentioned yet?


----------



## edward1977

Will_Kane said:


> Caught committing adultery, exposed to her parents, after calling to end it with the other guy, she leaves and goes to a friends house.
> 
> Her life in shambles, of course they go out (partying?).
> 
> And of course she contacts other man, whom just the night before she had told she never wanted contact with again.
> 
> Her message to him: "I've been checking CL, and I can see you posted yet another ad looking for women. I'm pissed and I'm ending it with you. I can't believe you would lie to me!?
> 
> 
> 
> Now she's back home, she told her husband she ended it (but not that she ended it because other man was lying to her and, in effect, cheating on her).
> 
> You can't make this stuff up, can you?
> 
> Certainly doesn't sound like a purely sexual relationship, like the original threesome was supposed to be. In such a short time, she developed such strong feelings for him. Willing to risk her entire marriage and family.
> 
> Now what do you do? Do you tell her parents again, she said she wouldn't contact the guy any more, your daughter still is contacting him, can you ask her to stop?
> 
> How smart (or stupid) is your wife? If other man contacts her again, and tells her this time he REALLY has stopped posting his sleazy little ad on CL (same ad she saw to begin with - I bet that drove her crazy that he didn't even change the wording from the ad she responded to), that she really is the only one for him, will she once again forgive him and give him another shot? Apparently she gave him a few chances already before this last one.
> 
> What is your wife saying about this latest fiasco in your marriage? Still pissed at you for exposing to her parents?


She is not so much mad at me anymore for telling her folks, just embarrased.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Everafter2013 said:


> So she broke it off because he *gasp* lied and probably cheated on her? And you are okay with being her second option because....?


She still appears too emotionally invested in this guy.

Edward1977, did you not have her do a NC pledge?


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## Remains

warlock07 said:


> The logic is self defeating.


This!
You are defeating yourself.
You don't need her to f you over. You can manage alone. 

I can't really think of any other ways to put it. But this is important. Don't doubt it. 

And don't EVER put your father's morals or lack thereof in the same viewpoint as your wife. Different people, different situation, different upbringing. Big mistake. My man is nothing like your wife. You are nothing like me! 

Your Mrs is out of control. You need to reign her in big style. And fast. Before you completely lose her. Either she goes (leaves you) or she f's up so bad that it is too much for you to have her stay. Don't let it get to that point!


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## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> She is not so much mad at me anymore for telling her folks, just embarrased.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is she saying about breaking no contact so soon after establishing no contact?

Or does she not know that you know she broke her no contact?


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## warlock07

edward1977 said:


> She is not so much mad at me anymore for telling her folks, just embarrased.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask yourself if you are in denial. You are trying pretty hard to ignore the obvious assuming it will go away if you disregard it long enough. 

The worst part is, the least of her concerns seem to be about hurting or betraying you. She finally ended it because the OM was still posting on CL. No concerns about betraying you, no concerns about destroying the "14 years of great marriage" or the pain the kids will go through in a divorce. She could even have had a ONS last night and you would have been none the wiser. or maybe she thinks you will never divorce her because of the "14 years of great marriage"


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## turnera

We've told you about respect, right? How a woman has to respect her man, or she will dump him or cheat on him?

How are you going to get her to respect you if you aren't willing to walk away when she does this?


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## edward1977

Will_Kane said:


> What is she saying about breaking no contact so soon after establishing no contact?
> 
> Or does she not know that you know she broke her no contact?


She doesnt know im seeing her fb messages
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

edward1977 said:


> She doesnt know im seeing her fb messages
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, you don't want to give up that source of info by letting her know about it, but it's got to be killing you to keep quiet about it.

Did you ask her point blank if she contacted other man last night?


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## Shaggy

So she didn't stop cheating because you confronted her. She stopped having sex with the OM because he was cheating on her.

So basically your cheating wife has higher expectations and consequences for the OM than you have for your own wife!

Seriously think hard about this. Your wife thinks that hard consequences are due for cheating, you are giving her basically a pass and letting her call the shots, like staying at the friends and contacting the OM.

I hope you see just how little she worries about loosing you, ZERO is his much she worries about you! 

Btw, she and the OM will make up soon and plan another hook up.

The only person who is cut off from sex and intimacy is you at the moment. You really need to step up to the plate and deal with her.


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## Machiavelli

edward1977 said:


> Because my dumbass still loves her for one and two i dont believe that 14 years of an otherwise great marriage is worth throwing away just yet. Alittle background on me my parents have split up twice over my dads infidelities yet they are still together and have been foe 24 years since the last one so i know if she is truly finished and willingto work on it then i will be. Im not saying im over it just yet but its worth saving
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's fine and dandy. A noble thought. But you can't let her know that. She needs to know in her heart that she can be replaced by more, younger, and hotter or she will have no attraction to you. No woman wants to me with a man no other woman wants. If you tell her the above quote from you about being willing to work on it in the face of her continuing treachery and failing to mete out consequences for her actions, she will be repelled. Machiavelli tells us that it's not necessary and is often counterproductive to expose the true meanings and goals of our actions. She needs to see you moving on. You have a very slim chance of saving this and the only way that has any hope of success is demonstrating through actions, not words, that you can pull women and you are moving on.


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## Machiavelli

edward1977 said:


> After further reading it was an ad on CL he had posted he had been telling her it was just her and it was the third time she caught him posting seems she doesnt like to be lied to any more than i
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe not. He's demonstrating Dark Triad traits, which are highly attractive to women. If he's actually scoring from these ads and doing more wives with the knowledge of their wittol husbands, this increases his sex rank. No matter what your wife says. Women want their choices in sex partners confirmed by other women.


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## Acabado

Sorry man. Nothing of this sounds good. She's totally removed from you, emotionaly, sexually.

That's why she used you, asked your permission to introduce "strange" into her life. As many already told you she didn't want to spice things up in the marriage, she wanted strange.

That's why she hooked up so fast and deep with this particular OM. The fact she "ended it" (at least or now) with OM becasue he cheated on her only makes the above conclusion even more evident. Your pain, the responability towards her children had zero relevance in her dicision.

She's totaly clueless about her marriage ending, the exposure to her parents only made her "embarrased", no earth shattering experience here, not enough to face the mirror and experience the "WTF i was thinking, who I am, who I become". No rethinking the path she chose, not even particulary grateful about the fact she still can have the marriage with all wich comes with it. I see no remorse. Not a trace. On the contrary. She even seems to give a sh!t once is all there in the open.

I'm sorry man but I think she's so determined that is only a matter of time she seeks a new OM to replace the recent dissapointment. Only a matter of time. She sounds too far gone from the marriage, from you. It can by using again CL or through a GNO (she won't sacrifice enythying, I'm rather sure about it), FB, Ashl_yMad_son, whatever, the possibilities are endless.

I'm not sure the potential for this to change. Obviously being so sure you will be there no matter what doesn't help. I honestly believe that you need to allow ourself to think the chances of divorce are high, prepare yourself for this possibility, therefore you need to distance yourself a little, watch from afar and meanwhile be selfish, take care of yourself and plan a new life whether it involves her or not.
To be honest I believe talking to a lawyer and even filing is a must. Unless she sees with her eyes you are more than willing to move on without her I can't see a way she will chalenge her recent mindset nad behavior. Unless she sees you moving on from her toxicity she will walk over you again sooner than later.


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## ArmyofJuan

edward1977 said:


> Because my dumbass still loves her for one and two i dont believe that 14 years of an otherwise great marriage is worth throwing away just yet. Alittle background on me my parents have split up twice over my dads infidelities yet they are still together and have been foe 24 years since the last one so i know if she is truly finished and willingto work on it then i will be. Im not saying im over it just yet but its worth saving
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SHE already threw the marriage away, you are in denial.

You can't save the marriage since you didn't break it. She would have to save it and from what you've written it doesn't sound like its worth it (for you). Change is scary but sometimes its the best thing.


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## The bishop

You may still love her and want to stay married to her.... but she would rather be ****ing others, and if all possible, which it is because your weak, keep you along to keep a roof over her head and watch the kids as she has her fun WITHOUT YOU. 

Hey if you love her and don't want to divorce her, don't..... if you want her to love you again and not treat you like Plan B, the roomate, then you better start being attractive and stop acting so weak. The others here have told you how.... yet, your to scared to do it.

Hope your enjoying living in limbo with a sick feeling in your stomach.


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