# I have a problem with trust & its ruining my marriage



## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hi everyone I am new here. I can really use some advice and help for my marriage and to better myself.
It wouls take days to explain everything so here is a short short version.

So I have been hurt in more possible ways than you can think from my past. For example my ex husband had two kids with another woman in between the two we had together. Long story short I dont trust men if I am in a relationship with them. My current husband and I dated in high school went off to do our own thing and now we have been together for 3+ years married for 1+. We have a daughter together and my other two kids live with us. 
Here is the thing. I didnt trust in the begining and I still dont now. He has lied to me about silly things that really dont matter and he did that beacuse he didnt want us to fight. I see his reasoning for it and I can not blame him. But the thing is besides for that he has never done anything to show me I cant trust him. Need to clarify I trust him just not when it comes to females. 
He is a good man that has done sooo much for me and the kids. I know that this has been a big issue for him and for me. He went out with a friend from work and he just wanted to make sure it was ok with me. Of course I said for him to go and I ment it. But I also added a few things to it. I said dont spend too much, dont be home too late, and no picking up any girls. (He went to a gay bar cause his friend is gay) and I still said that. 

I dont know why. I just cant help but think that he will be flirted with and continue with it. 

What is wrong with me. I think it may really be over this time. 
I love him and our life togather why cant I just trust him?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's breathing, at some point, someone will flirt with him. I imagine guys flirt with you on occasion. The world will still turn. This guy not only married you but married you and accepted fatherhood duties for two kids he didn't create. That's a lot clearer indication of who he is than whether someone flirts with him. If he can't tell you even insignificant things, it's probably because you've trained him not to. Do you respond badly when he tells you things? Lots of drama? Lots of insecurity and suspicion? It's natural that you'd feel insecure. You've been betrayed by other dogs. Your current one has faithfully stayed on the porch. He doesn't deserve the heavy chains.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

I can fully understand that if I put myself in someone elses shoes. I used to respond VERY badly but have made alot of positive changes and I know i still have more. I have been insecure with relationships since my first husband. He hurt me so much its hard to talk about sometimes. But I do remember trusting him and not worrying the way I do now. 

How do I learn to trust him the way he deserves to be? Will I ever be able too?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I had an affair and have had to earn my wife's trust back. bit at some point there is only so much I can do and SHE needs to decide whether or not she will ever trust me. 

The continued questioning/hounding of your husband, a guy who sounds like he is trustworthy, won't end well for the marriage. I suggest that you seek counseling to deal with your problem.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My first husband cheated on me as well. And yes, when I got together with my boyfriend, I had massive trust issues. It took me a long time to get over them. But I did finally have to look good and hard at our relationship and realize: he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be. Our lives are intertwined in huge ways, and why would someone complicate their life like that if they didn't truly love me and want to be here? And also just the pure and simple common sense realization that I have no interest in cheating, so why would I automatically assume that he would?

You have to remind yourself daily of those things that speak to trust and security, instead of focusing on stuff that could theoretically support your idea that he is/would cheat. And if you work on that, and still can't trust him, then you need to consider getting some counseling to work on this issue. 

He should not be punished for what someone else did to you.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

atruckersgirl

You said, "pure and simple common sense realization that I have no interest in cheating, so why would I automatically assume that he would?"
that in some way actually makes some sense to me. See I struggle with this so much because I think deep down that I do trust him its just my past continues to haunt me. I think I have alot of unresolved issues with my ex. He past away while we had been separated for about 6 months. I never got any closure
or a chance to say goodbye. He was is a horrible accident two days before a court date that was set for custody. We never even filed for divorce.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with giving him little reminders every now and then of what is and is not acceptable to you in this relationship.

It is up to you to decide, If he loves you he will respect your wishes.
Some men assume some things are okay when they are really not.
Some think it is okay to flirt, cyber, dirty dance ETC with other women or maybe even assume there wives wouldn't care.

To answer your question I don't think you are being even near unreasonable. This is 2010 there are soooooo many influences out there. I see no reason why he should get mad for letting him know your boundaries.

You have a natural instinct to protect your relationship. Some women could care less.
It seems like when you love someone, you truly love them to your fullest, and you will make effort to maintain this love.

I think it is true that "most" men can never love a women like a woman can love a man.


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## Liam_680 (Aug 31, 2010)

Since you have had past experiences of infidelity of your ex husband, it is natural to have some trust issues with your current partner. this is normal but it wouldnt hurt to make an effort to try and give him your trust.. it takes one step at a time and as he proves himself to you every time the trust builds and eventually becomes natural. Just always keep an open mind and dont think about it too much. it would also help if you talk to him of how you feel so he would also know how to reassure you everytime of his love.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

heatherlindsay said:


> I think it is true that "most" men can never love a women like a woman can love a man.


vica versa - as we are different...they are from mars...we venus girls shouldn't think just because we love differently, we love them the most.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

heatherlindsay said:


> There is nothing wrong with giving him little reminders every now and then of what is and is not acceptable to you in this relationship.
> 
> It is up to you to decide, If he loves you he will respect your wishes.
> Some men assume some things are okay when they are really not.
> ...


WOW!! Your statement is flawed! So you are saying that this man should suffer due to her past? The old statement "why should I pay for another man's mistakes" comes into play here. What "ladtbug81" SHOULD have done was got counselling after her marriages to help her deal with those insecurities. TRUST ME I KNOW! My ex cheated several times and after I divorced her, I chose to go to counselling because I vowed to not only NOT repeat any mistakes I made but also get over the hurt from the mistakes she made. My current marriage is awesome and I know she will be by my side.

This is the baggage that she brought into the marriage. He sounds like a pretty good guy and seems like he is willing to help her through them. 

ladtbug81, get some some counselling to help alleviate these feelings, i am sure your H will agree and support you.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Absolutely, get into counseling about this. Trust is HUGE in any relationship and your husband doesn't deserve to be "guilty until proven innocent" as you are treating him.

PM me and I'll send some more information to you that might help as you begin looking for counselors. By the way, interview several counselors to make the best fit. Ask them first if they'll do a mini session with you, it's a more affordable way to get an idea if you'll work well together or not.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> By the way, interview several counselors to make the best fit. Ask them first if they'll do a mini session with you, it's a more affordable way to get an idea if you'll work well together or not.[/QUOTE
> 
> Interesting!! I had a great counselor and a few bad ones but not one time did i EVER think to "interview" them. Great idea


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