# From virtually sexless and pretty happy to less... now I'm going nuts



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Ok... here's my story.

My wife and I had been married for 17 years and on my end things were pretty much ok... yes like a lot of you I always wanted more sex but it was workable because like clockwork we had pretty decent sex at least one a month and sometimes a little more. Probably 13-20 times per year. Yes I know that was on the low end. I put up with this because in-between she would always ask for footrubs and that made me feel close knowing she needed me. She works hard and has always been an early to bed person and in every other way is great. However the lack of sex took a toll I would drink more and I would yell at the kids when they were misbehaving I have two boys. 

One night I was particularly upset at one of them and went upstairs to vent... that's when I got the "I'm not sure I'm in love with you always speech", also she said that I wasn't attentive enough etc. Shocked, out of the blue...I asked her if she was cheating and she said "I'm not like that". She said she turned off emotions for me. I totally believed her and immediately gave up drinking (14 months ago) and stopped yelling at the kids. In short I did a 180 to prove to her I changed and heard her concerns loud and clear. That night! We hugged and she said that she just needed some time. So I was patient and went about addressing every concern. I even joined the gym! She's a gym nut. We are both attractive and in shape. We both said we are committed to this marriage in talks afterwords.

I apologized later for everything in a series of notes (which she saves) one that I could tell got to her, she cried a little. She knows I'm a great husband and father.... our families get along so great. She admits we have had a great marriage throughout apart from this current issue. I made it perfectly clear that we needed to have a better sex life to avoid future issues. Because the virtually sexless routine was causing stress. Went from bad to worse!

Now it's 14 months later and we've had sex maybe 7 times, most of those times with some ED cropping up from the stress. The last time before Xmas was the first time in a while I actually made it into her and it was great... however her back ended up hurting after .

We agreed over the summer to "Go with the flow" problem is nothing seemed to get better. The sex was mostly boring and no nightly requests for footrubs at all. But I decided just to wait and see.

Well 2011 came and three weeks in I decided to have a more serious talk again. I asked why we aren't moving forward and she pretty much said she just doesn't want to be sexual with me because she mostly doesn't feel the emotional connection. I stayed cool and asked her if she was willing to destroy the marriage over this... just silence and a look of shock. I told her I don't like coming to her with this and that I was hoping it would work out... she nodded her head as if to say "I know you don't want to keep coming to me on this". I went six months saying nothing about this and just "Going with the flow" as she requested.

The next morning I got a nice bright "Goodmorning!" instantly and things have been nice and better but still no sex since two weeks before XMAS!

I just don't know... is it menopause (she kicks the covers off alot), is it over? Do I just keep trying? Is there hope? We seem to get along great otherwise and make a great team.

Anyone have any advice. I really am a great husband and father (by many peoples opinions including hers!), it just seems she can't throw on the emotional switch yet for me again. I think she wants to but something is stopping her. It seems 14 months should be plenty of time, she freely admits that I've changed and its all on her. What to do!

I knew going in that you don't want to get on her bad side.... people that have have never got off of it. I don't know how I did it but I think I got on her bad side 14 months ago. If I succeed it'll be a first! But then I am her husband!

I think she's using the gym to cope. She goes 7 days a week. She is a self admitted "social butterfly" and makes friends instantly. She knows everyone in the gym and sees them around town. She's fun and outgoing, looks and acts about ten years younger than she is (44). I think she's getting the emotional support from everyone. I know she is not cheating. I go to the gym too... but I just workout no chit chat. We are a well liked couple, people believe our marriage is near perfect. We are practically the leave it to beaver family!

Although I think they never had to deal with this...junk.

How can a woman just turn off like that, not want to leave yet not outwardly doing anything about it? Very frustrating.
I love her to death. Yet this is ridiculous.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

See if you can get her to read this;
- Focus on the Family
It certainly helped me and my wife and jezza stated that it was spot on for him, so maybe it will help you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

DanF said:


> See if you can get her to read this;
> - Focus on the Family
> It certainly helped me and my wife and jezza stated that it was spot on for him, so maybe it will help you.


Thanks for the advice... unfortunately been there done that.

One night about 9 months ago I printed out various articles and tried to carefully explain what a man needs... I told her for me at least the feeling of connection lasts about 10 days after sex. then I want to connect again. Also that that is how I feel and give love like most men. This would equate for me to about twice a month (My sex drive is middle of the road and I respect her lower drive). Because of our work schedules Fri, Sat and Sun are pretty much it. Every other weekend would be great. Giving her two weeks off so to speak. One for her period the other because I love her and understand her need for sleep.

So pretty much: From once a month passionate to averaging every two months not passionate sometimes with as much as four months in between. I need to get us to at least monthly again and ideally twice a month passionate. It seems a long way off still.

For the first 17 years... averaging 16 times a year was basically sexless! I'm only asking for about 24 times way below the national average. What I'm getting is 6 currently.

After that talk the next time I talked she said she felt lectured to. She's in denial that most couples average weekly sex at least. She felt at he time I was trying to work things out from a script! That I researched too much on the internet etc.

So I backed off... like I said I stopped bugging her. It took a lot of strength to go six months without mentioning a thing. After the New Year I had to bring it up again as I haven't seen what I would say was positive movement. I didn't really hear what I wanted.... I asked her point blank to verbalize why. I asked if the reason we weren't having more sex was that she still felt an emotional disconnection. The answer was "Pretty much that's it" I hen pressed a little more and asked for outside counseling to which her response was...." how are they going to change my feelings"

Now I think the communication was not a total waste as she has changed her behavior somewhat positively. I could tell I got to her when I mentioned I don't like going out to amusement parks and the beach because all I see are couples in love holding hands and hugging. Also That TV is hard because of the same things. I am manning up and being more decisive and more of the family leader. Outside the bedroom we are doing great. We eat dinner together, watch TV together and talk a lot. She smiles a lot. She ended the last conversation with "Just be happy!". 

That's what I'm doing... I am happy. I have a sense maybe I broke some ice and she did say we are making progress . But she also said 'We were just turning the corner" about 7 months ago also. Long corner!

I guess I'm doing things in a good way. I don't bug her, I'm manning up, I'm getting physically fit and feel great. I hope eventually she talks to her doctor as I think hormones are part of it. I even talked to her mom to rule out abuse she told me it's probably hormones because she felt he same way at he same age until she got on them. Then it was like a fog lifted.

I guess what I'm looking for is affirmation from others that things do eventually work out.

Has anyone successfully navigated a situation like this? Can emotions be fully turned on again if someone changes and stays consistent over time? Can things end up even better than before?

I keep telling myself this is just a normal phase... all marriages go through lows. I think she is pre-menopausal at 44. She's always been a morning person but doesn't like sex in the morning! By the time night comes around she's thinking sleep and wears herself out physically from work and the gym. We managed just fine for 17 years... I didn't spend any time worrying about us. Now though its constantly on my mind and that can't be good.

I guess I can't understand why when I ask for one change from her that seemingly she doesn't want to budge! It's really quite disrespectful. Shes smart she has to know this is a problem in fact she's admitted so. She says its her. Well then fix it!

I think I'm done talking until I actually give separation a try if things don't improve this year. Maybe that's what it will take...I won't divorce her as I'm bound by my vows but I may make it so she'll divorce me be disconnecting completely if this keeps up, I can't go on like this indefinately.... it's on her to make this work or not. In the meantime stay the course and be more aggressive trying for sex. I think more frequent sex will help a lot on both ends and help her develop the 'emotional connection' again. We'll see. 14 months and counting...

I love her ,my family and our boys but can't continue on indefinitely without a decent sex life! It's a deal breaker. I don't think I'm asking for too much at all.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I don't think she sees this as a dealbreaker. She realizes an uncomfortable conversation or an argument only lasts a few days, and then you'll give her 6 months off the hook. An easy trade off for her.

If you have addressed things that she says were killing her desire - and she isn't offering anything that you can do to meet her emotional needs then she is stonewalling. Besides, while your trying to meet her needs she should be trying to meet yours. You can't be expected to put in all the effort without any effort on her part.

It sounds like you may have nothing left to try but shock therapy. That being a seperation etc. Don't let her KNOW you woundn't divorce over this. She needs to think that by not making you a priority, she has a very real possibility of losing her current status and family dynamic.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Also right now she is holding all the cards. Your trying to change and meet HER needs. She won't go to therapy because it won't change how SHE feels. She doesn't want to be intimate because SHE doesn't feel she needs it. It's time to change that dynamic so that she is concerned with how YOU feel. And maybe has a little anxiety or concern over what YOU are going to do. Read some stuff from MEM or BBW. On here. Pull back, from her. Start going out, make her wonder what your up to. Get your confidence up and talk to other woman etc at the gym (but don't do anything inappropriate). If she doesn't care or get interested in any of this.......... what are you losing?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks EC you are right! I do plan to make a major change soon.

I think the fact that I'm getting buff actually on the way to a six pack! Then later I plan to go and buy a new wardrobe and make myself more unavailable would likely help. Just really changing the routine while still doing at least 50/50 with a smile. As well I'm going to really call her out when she nitpicks. Heck maybe I'll start to get spray tans, manicures and spa days too.

I plan to give her maybe another three months to gauge the effect of the most recent conversation(s). Her and I have the same woman doctor who I see in March so I plan to ask the doctor to check her out next time for hormones etc. BTW she says she likes sex! (I should have asked "With me?!" ) and has urges but somehow doesn't act on them because something kills it later.

Whatever either we make real tangible progress in 2011 or a hell of a lot will change. I'm getting really tired of this, it shouldn't take this long when both understand the problem at its roots. I still don't get why married women do this stuff. I'm glad I'm a guy. I can hold my head high I did my best whatever happens. I just hope all this is worth it in the end. I never thought this could happen to us. Time does heal all wounds right?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I've been going through a little of this myself. Although in the past 6 months things have improved by following much of this advice. Once caveat though. When things start improving, you have to continue doing what is working! Don't fall into old patterns!

The other piece of advice that has helped me immensely (and this is from atholk) is accept the fact that you run the sex dept. You just do. Don't expect her to initiate. If she does, make it a big deal and reward her. But don't expect it but most woman don't really take this lead.

After that, make sure you have a safe word for each other. Make sure she remembers it.

After that, take the initiative. If she fiends mock resistance get more playful and continue pursuing. Get a little aggressive. If she gets angry or uses the safe word then stop immediatly and go do something else - but act like you don't care - do not be angry. If she uses the word then nothing continues from that point. But if she doesn't - maybe she enjoys the chase a little, or likes the change of routine of having you pursue harder. EXPECT to succeed and don't fear the rejection. 

Sometimes if she rejects I spell out exactly WHAT I was going to do to her in great detail - and how enthusiastically I was going to do it to her, and what she is missing. Then I happily go and do something else.

Bottom line is in all likelyhood she is not going to initiate - and you are not going to be successful if you don't try. 

If that doesn't work then you can withdraw and do the... be friendly and fun but show little interest in her and do your own thing.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

BTW - I am also working out 3 days a week cardio, 3 days a week heavy weights. Getting stronger and toning up but be damned can not seem to get the ab fat off. 

How did you do it? Did you have much to lose there? I'm turning 40 this year, maybe thats part of the challenge.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> BTW - I am also working out 3 days a week cardio, 3 days a week heavy weights. Getting stronger and toning up but be damned can not seem to get the ab fat off.
> 
> How did you do it? Did you have much to lose there? I'm turning 40 this year, maybe thats part of the challenge.


I've always been pretty fit for my age 45 but had that 3month pregnant looking pooch. At about 165-170 (age 45, 5'10). Now I'm a strong 163 and just need to develop my chest more.

One thing that really helped was stopping to drink alchohol. Also I think the colonoscopy cleanse helped.

After that just going 6 days a week and maxing out the machines with about 16 reps twice a session. Also laying off things like Arby's etc. Also oatmeal everyday!

My cholesterol was borderline high and within three months got it down to below normal. I feel great. Hope that helps.

Thanks for the advice BTW. I thing just being more aggressive might help. Especially when its been a month or more since being intimate with her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TTFIO,

I like your moniker.

Aren't we all doing that?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Sounds like you're doing some good things.

However, I cringe when I hear you say things like, "I just want it to get back to once a month".

Read the links and think about what you're saying - and how weak it sounds.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Conrad said:


> TTFIO,
> 
> I like your moniker.
> 
> ...


I hear you.... it does sound weak LOL

Actually the way i look at it is I can't reinvent the wheel and expect a total transformation. But what I can expect is a workable solution and re-focus on this part of our marriage.

I now expect more than once a month which for me would be a nearly two fold increase...that would make me happy! After all she's the one who upset the apple cart and opened this can of worms. It could have all been avoided had she communicated better. Obviously I listen when she does.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I hear you.... it does sound weak LOL
> 
> Actually the way i look at it is I can't reinvent the wheel and expect a total transformation. But what I can expect is a workable solution and re-focus on this part of our marriage.
> 
> I now expect more than once a month which for me would be a nearly two fold increase...that would make me happy! After all she's the one who upset the apple cart and opened this can of worms. It could have all been avoided had she communicated better. Obviously I listen when she does.


Let me pull a Deejo on you...

"She does not have the power to make me happy or not"

What I CAN do is raise my game to the point where she MAY wish to join me.

And, many will testify that you will feel silly for ever "settling" for once/month.

Aim higher. Be the man she fell in love with - in spades.

He didn't beg/plead/ask settle for once a month.

That's the nice guy you became.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Very True.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

At this point even your A++ game is still not going to work by "itself". Sorry dude. THAT is just going to make her feel even MORE powerful since she will see it as YOU being willing to do anything to make her happy to get even the occassional chance at sex. 

A different approach is to bring your A game while you steadily deprioritize HER. When you ARE with her you will be fun, in control and playful. But you will STOP saying:
I love you
Calling, texting, emailing HER first
Hugging her
Kissing her
Touching her
Initiating sex
Doing "extra" housework above your share
Making the effort to spend time with her
Doing ANYTHING that says "I love you"
NOTHING on Valentines day other than a card saying 
- Hoping for a good 2011

No matter WHAT she does to try to get you to revert to treating her like a princess while she totally ignores your needs - and she WILL do stuff - you will not show anger, or fear. You will stay calm and firmly call her on any BS she does to provoke you or get you to go back to making her your highest priority.

Within a month she will EITHER start chasing you or you should start talking to a lawyer about a legal separation. 

And when SHE starts saying ILY first, hugging you first - give it back but do NOT get all excited happy. Stay a little reserved. 

Eventually she is likely to really "push it" asking you WHY you aren't home as much, calling/texting her as much etc. And eventually you need to nicely say "when you start making MY needs an acceptable priority I will reconsider where you stand with me. Frankly sex less than weekly at this point is not going to fly - I think it is best to cut our losses"

And then don't blink. If she loves you. She WILL make this effort. If not - best to move on. 






Trying2figureitout said:


> Very True.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> At this point even your A++ game is still not going to work by "itself". Sorry dude. THAT is just going to make her feel even MORE powerful since she will see it as YOU being willing to do anything to make her happy to get even the occassional chance at sex.
> 
> A different approach is to bring your A game while you steadily deprioritize HER. When you ARE with her you will be fun, in control and playful. But you will STOP saying:
> I love you
> ...


MEM I hear you...

But you will STOP saying:
I love you <--- This I can Stop
Calling, texting, emailing HER first<---This I can Stop
Hugging her<---- Already rare
Kissing her<--- Whats that gone long ago
Touching her<---- I can stop that
Initiating sex<---I can stop that
Doing "extra" housework above your share<----- I can Stop That
Making the effort to spend time with her<---I can stop that
Doing ANYTHING that says "I love you"<---I can stop that
NOTHING on Valentines day other than a card saying 
- Hoping for a good 2011 <---Already bought her a gift but can say that on the card.

I'm going to see how it goes since things seem to be a little better after the last talk.... I may have actually gotten to her with the "threat" of divorce we'll soon find out. After all it's been 14 months of this weirdness.

But if things don't change then I plan to do all the above and not stop until things change. As I think it might do the trick.

I'm already doing some of it. But I also don't want to undue the 14 months of good will either especially if the last talk had the desired effect. Hopefully I'll find out if Sat night is a start for 2011.

We'll see. Either way 2011 is going to be different with more friction and a lot more confidence and limits.
I've become more Alpha on her already... making decisions without her input and putting my foot down on family things more. Some of it has been noticed and welcomed. She's talking to me a lot more... it seems she's making an effort. At least I feel happier.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Mem's words are gold. He's far more articulate than most and if you do a search on his posts the theme of his message(s) will help you immensely. They certainly have with myself.

My suggestions were to (test the waters) to see if some of the problems you were having were with your own approach. Failing that, I would move right into MEM's plan. I noticed you suggested you will see where she is at on Saturday?

Why Saturday? Is this a promise from her? Or a day she normally reserves for? I would say if you want to find out, find out on your schedule! Don't defer to her. YOU run the sex dept.

Glad to see Mem chimed in on your thread! Keep updating here as his suggestions will help you.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I should also note that one thing that seem to have really helped me is the law of supply and demand. Following Mem's plan above, when she started coming to me at times I wouldn't always be available.

Turning her down now and then either caused her to really ramp up her attempt at arousing me - or made her try more often to "figure" out why she was failing. It was a strange transition and kinda a fun change of position for us!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Mem's words are gold. He's far more articulate than most and if you do a search on his posts the theme of his message(s) will help you immensely. They certainly have with myself.
> 
> My suggestions were to (test the waters) to see if some of the problems you were having were with your own approach. Failing that, I would move right into MEM's plan. I noticed you suggested you will see where she is at on Saturday?
> 
> ...


No promise just logistics I'm not in town tonite. Saturday is the day I'm going to be aggressive and see how that goes. I have a feeling it might work out... as it's been a while.

Then I'll have to closely monitor to make sure we don't fall back into the virtually sexless roles. When I feel like doing it again I'll do the same thing if she continues rejections then I'll put Mem's plan into full swing!

I think I'm at a cross-roads where my plan is somewhat working but may need some of mem's to get where we need to go.

---------------------
I have question...
For those who successfully completed Mem's plan what was the tangible result?

For instance where were you at before and where are you now? In terms of frequency and overall quality? Has the rest of your relationship improved in terms of affection outside the bedroom?

I just want to see what is possible.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TTFIO,

If I was your wife and I read that question, I'd get really pissed off.

MEM's concepts have truly helped our relationship. But, it's still "our" relationship.

Where you two eventually arrive will be a mutually satisfactory place where she is happy pleasing you and you are delighted with her level of involvement and initiative.

As this sort of quality togetherness infuses its way into your physical life, both of you will want more of it.

Trust me on this.

The "final number" of "x number of times per week/month/whatever" is a poor way to refer to it.

I admire your optimism and enthusiasm. I just want to caution you that both you and your wife can win in this.

But, you won't win by insulting her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ah - jeez. 

Conrad is 100 percent right about this. 

There is a "massive" difference between: I am going to play "games" with my W so she will be my sex toy (BAD - I want NO PART of this activity and find it very ugly)

and
I have allowed my W to treat ME and my NEEDS with disrespect and our marriage has been harmed by that. 

Come on guys - does ANYONE think a woman wants to be married to a man she doesn't RESPECT?

My suggestions are all about the basic rules of engagement with ANYONE. Some men allow their wives to do stuff they would never in a million years tolerate from anyone else. That creates a terrible dynamic. 

As for sex - I have no easy answer.  My personal approach goes like this. Totally 100 percent supportive of:
1. Any life event that disrupts her "desire" - kids, work, illness, etc. 
2. The fact she has a "lower" desire for me than I do for her. She DOES. That is who she is. And that means there are plenty of nights that - up to me we WOULD connect and we don't. And I accept that without "reaction". It is not a "ding" on me - it is how she "is" with "me". 

That said - there is a mirror image to 2. And it is why we have a happy marriage. She respects the fact that I have a HIGHER desire for her. And that means there are nights that honestly she would rather watch "top gear" than "play doctor". But if she can hear the quiet hissing sound of the testosterone cauldron coming to a boil she comes to bed with the same loving spirit that I bring to all our activities. 

The thing is - I don't live in Disneyworld. Mostly we "are" in synch. But it is when we get "out" of synch is when it becomes clearest that this is a marriage of equals. The whole notion that the LD partner holds all the cards is only correct if your partner really and truly doesn't love you. 




Conrad said:


> TTFIO,
> 
> If I was your wife and I read that question, I'd get really pissed off.
> 
> ...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Geez guys...

I get it... I DON'T want my wife as a sex toy. All I was inquiring is what the result of Mem's plan was.

Now get off your high horses.

Believe me for the past 18+ years I have treated my wife as anything but a sex toy (nor will I ever as I respect her more than you know)... that was part of the issue. I was too nice, and too accepting. I thought I could handle the stress a near sexless marriage caused... but acted out in the wrong way and ended up with my wife shutting down her emotions for me. 

We have a wonderful marriage by both our accounts... it's just that we have this particular issue right now. From the outside we are great and yes our day to day life is great. I just need more love in a way I need it, she needs to open her emotions again...that's it.

I'm trying to make sure this marriage lasts, we communicate better and that we both are happy all the time.... like I've always or "thought" I've done. I can look back at he things I did and see why she's was upset. None of them real terrible.. but he fact that I made her upset goes against my core, I LOVE MY WIFE and NEVER WANTED TO HURT HER. I never intended any of it but I'm human. That's why I immediately changed because I was oblivious to the damage I was causing. That night blindsided me.

She let me have it with both barrels that night 14 months ago.... and yes I deserved it and am thankful to the wake up. I am an even better father, husband and person because of it. I've actually thanked her several times for doing it! That night probably saved our marriage... it gave us both a chance to reboot.

Now I am of the impression that had she communicated better this could have been entirely avoided altogether. But we both didn't communicate well and ended up here. It's both our faults.

We have a great relationship and respect each other we just aren't quite in sync yet. 

All I'm looking to do is to come out this better than before with none of the baggage that either of us was carrying. Part of what caused my undesirable behavior was fact that 12-15 times a year was simply not enough over time. I should have communicated that a long time ago but didn't. Instead I let it fester to the point that I was unconsciously acting out and consciously drinking more. 

I quit drinking that night...and immediately changed any behaviors she mentioned... that was 14 months ago. We still have a ways to go. Yes we do still love each other it obvious... the problem is she's not talking my main love language yet. 

I can see the advantage to Mem's plan.... it's obvious that by changing what isn't seemingly working then you'll either get a good result or not. But it is a really just a mind game.... and had any of your wives read the 'plan' they would be equally offended too.

I don't think I was out of line at all asking the long term results because if I'm to embark on a series of changes that will affect the time I spend with my family I need to make sure it's worth it. My current plan may work too but I like to hear other ideas.

Forgive me for being skeptical... but I'd rather the results come naturally which they still may.

I think we all need to stay true to ourselves after all it's who our wives married... but I do believe working on yourself first is the whole key to all of this and not overdoing trying to fix it quick. You need to change the past because for all of us it wasn't working as well as we all thought!

Thank You.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

My wife found this forum first.

She's familiar with "the plan".

We both focus on being as attractive as we can for each other - without apology.

Trust me when I tell you that if you make your wife feel like the sexiest woman alive and let her know you are jealous of and desire her passion, you won't be able to believe what happens.

We're not on your case. We just want you to be certain this is about you - and not what she will - or won't - do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T2FO,
Sorry for the miscommunication. No horsemanship intended. 

Help me understand the context better. Did your W not know you wanted a LOT MORE sex during those 18 years? That she truly didn't realize she was causing you intense stress / distress? You would initiate a lot and she would reject a lot and she didn't get how much that hurt?

Totally separate from that - I want you to think about something. What is a reasonable "statute of limitations" on your prior bad behavior? 

Because 14 months is a long time. Me personally I have a simple view. Anything so bad it can be held against me for more than a year - was worthy of parting ways. And in fact I had my W - who I love very much and who generally is a fair person try that with me last year. 

She pulled the "I am not sure I am ever going to get over that" about something I said that I freely admit I wish I hadn't. I have a very strong view of this. If you believe something is SO BAD you can't get over it, you should be looking for a lawyer or an apartment. And if my W really believes that I completely respect her right to act accordingly. 

But no one gets to hold something over my head indefinitely for their convenience. Not even my favorite person. My reaction to that was to point out that I have a decent sized list of equally ill-advised comments she has made over the years. I asked if she wanted me to set the same threshold for things I was "never" going to get over. Actually gave her a couple of examples in a sort of reluctant way. Magically - that thing she was "never" going to get over - evaporated before my very eyes. David Copperfield - step aside. 

As for the emotional thermostat in my house. It is NOT set for maximum sexual frequency. I am simply not willing to cause my W a persistent level of anxiety about how important she is to me - to have sex daily/near daily. 

I would say it is set to the ideal "overall" temperature. We have enough sex for me to be satisfied with frequency - quality is exceptional - and we are both "warm" with each other. 

Still - she is fully addicted to racquetball right now. And moderately so to another game. Yesterday afternoon she provoked a wrestling match. All that constructive "friction" and even at 70 degrees fahrenheit last night was the third night in a row we connected. 




Trying2figureitout said:


> Geez guys...
> 
> I get it... I DON'T want my wife as a sex toy. All I was inquiring is what the result of Mem's plan was.
> 
> ...


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