# Hurt..lost..venting



## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

First time on here but I need to vent talk something...

Little back ground

She is my first for *everything*
She is a stay at home mom two kids

I work 50 hours a week at a real job. Then couple days a week and usually saturday for a few hours I help my parents out. I really do not get paid for this time. But There are times I do.

Problem one is she hates me helping out..I enjoy helping out 

She will not get a job until the youngest is in school ( 3 years ) I have told her time and time go get a job. she blames me not being home is why she cant get a job. She has to watch the kids. I feel she needs adult time and needs to get out and work

Problem two she thinks she and her friend need to go out all the time... It pisses me off. Home at 3am drinking etc. I just hate her going out, I am soo afraid of something happening to her.

Tonight she went out, her friend somehow got two nights at a local hotel. Last night they took the kids and went swimming etc and I watched the youngest at home. Tonight its another "girls night" and she said they were going to the mall then dinner not sure what else. I told her text me where ever you go.( her friend hates this) I feel like its a caring thing.. So my oldeset wants to talk to mom before bed. She calls back 5-7 min later.. she is at a bar. I get alittle upset she didnt tell me, I get well I didnt know where we were going and we just got here. Fast forward couple hours later, same thing but this time took her almost a hour to call me back. And I call every 5 min or so. She calles and she is across town and same BS didnt know where we were going etc just got here... I called it out and said I been calling for 45min or so and you were in the car and walking and didnt hear the phone... she got mad and said i am not arguring and said love you and hung up


I love her but I am hurting so bad..... She feels her going out is like me helping my parents out


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Her friend will be the end of your marriage. You need to discuss boundaries with your wife and you need to find a way to get rid of this toxic friend. She is behaving like a single woman. Is this what you signed up for??? If she hasn't cheated on you already, it is only a matter of time.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Her friend is very much married and her husband is my friend as well... They have similiar problems I feel. When we all go out we have a great time... My wife is attrative and very out going and I am very very afraid of he cheating or being in a bad situtation and being hurt


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

How often does she go on those GNO's?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Stop all girls night outs till 3am. She has no business going to bars drinking without you that late. She's basically going to hook up with someone and cheat on you if she hasn't already. The sad thing is your the babysitter while she has her fun.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

NewM said:


> How often does she go on those GNO's?


Depends avg once a month


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Adex said:


> Stop all girls night outs till 3am. She has no business going to bars drinking without you that late. She's basically going to hook up with someone and cheat on you if she hasn't already. The sad thing is your the babysitter while she has her fun.


How do I stop it? I am not saying I have never had a guys night out, MAYBE 2-3 times a year.. With kids everything is harder. Hr friends comments about the 3 am stuff is I am not her father.. TOTALLY pissed me off


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It sounds like her only adult outlet good or bad is her friend that goes out,so why not start looking for other friend groups she can get into.What does you wife like to do activity wise,find out and see what there is in your city or town.

On Saturday night plan a outing and let your parents watch the kids while you go to bars together or take her out someplace nice and come back to your house with the kids gone.

I think it also comes down to TRUST and you calling her every few minutes is going to piss her off and make for some serious fights.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

UpsetHusband said:


> I work 50 hours a week at a real job. Then couple days a week and usually saturday for a few hours I help my parents out.
> 
> She feels her going out is like me helping my parents out


Playing devils advocate here but my husband works 50 hours a week and I'd be annoyed if he chose to spend another 2 days a week PLUS part of every weekend to help his parents out. Especially if I'm stuck at home with 2 little ones. I'd resent him for that and the first chance I got I'd BOLT from the house. I don't like being left alone.

I also wouldn't get a job either. How would I do that AND take care of the house and kids so he could take care of someone else besides me? I know how that game is played. If I work I get to do everything I do now AND work. Nope ain't happening. Not until my kids are old enough to be self sufficient.

So I'm not sure if this is a bad friend, GNO problem or a she's truly upset with you problem. Only you can answer that.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> It sounds like her only adult outlet good or bad is her friend that goes out,so why not start looking for other friend groups she can get into.What does you wife like to do activity wise,find out and see what there is in your city or town.
> 
> On Saturday night plan a outing and let your parents watch the kids while you go to bars together or take her out someplace nice and come back to your house with the kids gone.
> 
> I think it also comes down to TRUST and you calling her every few minutes is going to piss her off and make for some serious fights.


I know calling her like that will piss her off.. But most people cant leave there phone down for 5 minutes. ( me included ).. We have our adult nights out and we have fun. Basicly she has said Stop helping your parents and I wont go out.. I think that it total BS.. I am not home enough according to her


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

While a GNO once in a while is not a big deal, when it's a regular thing and excludes you, it becomes a big deal. I agree that it's lining up to cheat on you. 

As far as whether it equates to you helping out your parents, that's a tough call. Both are things each of you does for yourself. I'd almost say both activities are hobbies - things you enjoy but that do not bring a notable financial benefit. I would also personally feel that while one is a "family-positive" activity, one has a distinct potential to harm the family. 

Of course, all the reason in the world is not going to stop her from justifying her behavior. In fact, if you stopped helping your folks, I'd bet that she'll find another way to justify the bar-hopping. And to top it off, she's disrespectful and dishonest with you about it. 

At the same time, you calling every five minutes is not helping the situation. 

You will have to decide if her behavior is a deal-breaker for you. I'm in the "nip it in the bud" mentality. The earlier you stop tolerating it, the more likely it is that your relationship can recover, but there is no guarantee that it will no matter what you do.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

First off, going forward, don't do ANYTHING you wouldn't be ok with your wife doing. Lead by example. If you go out with friends without her, and come home late and don't call, etc. she will use that as an excuse at a later date. Also, I don't know any details, but you may have to reduce your time helping parents. This can be a source of a lot of jealousy and resentment. Maybe you can keep your parents close by having them babysit more so the two of you can go out more together. The way it's going now, an affair will happen. The longer this goes on, the more disconnected a wayward spouse gets, the harder it is to reconnect and stay married. Just my thoughts.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Playing devils advocate here but my husband works 50 hours a week and I'd be annoyed if he chose to spend another 2 days a week PLUS part of every weekend to help his parents out. Especially if I'm stuck at home with 2 little ones. I'd resent him for that and the first chance I got I'd BOLT from the house. I don't like being left alone.
> 
> I also wouldn't get a job either. How would I do that AND take care of the house and kids so he could take care of someone else besides me? I know how that game is played. If I work I get to do everything I do now AND work. Nope ain't happening. Not until my kids are old enough to be self sufficient.
> 
> So I'm not sure if this is a bad friend, GNO problem or a she's truly upset with you problem. Only you can answer that.




I am not saying I am not part of the problem, But I also feel the GNO do not have to be at a bar. I just feel scared angry just eats away at me inside when she goes out...I wont sleep untill I know she is safe.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Leading Man said:


> First off, going forward, don't do ANYTHING you wouldn't be ok with your wife doing. Lead by example. If you go out with friends without her, and come home late and don't call, etc. she will use that as an excuse at a later date. Also, I don't know any details, but you may have to reduce your time helping parents. This can be a source of a lot of jealousy and resentment. Maybe you can keep your parents close by having them babysit more so the two of you can go out more together. The way it's going now, an affair will happen. The longer this goes on, the more disconnected a wayward spouse gets, the harder it is to reconnect and stay married. Just my thoughts.


I am fairly good about updating her on whats going on everytime no but i do.. We need a weekend alone no kids, no BS friends just us, not a night a weekend


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh but what you fail to underestimate is a woman's ability to hit below the belt. We first try to tell you we're upset with something (aka you being gone too much) and when that doesn't work sometimes we resort to childish methods like going to a bar. Kinda of an "I'll show him type attitude".

I've been guilty of this in my past. I'd do the very thing that I knew would upset him to prove my point. I'm not proud of it I'm just saying you might want to figure out if this really is about you being gone too much or not.


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Oh but what you fail to underestimate is a woman's ability to hit below the belt. We first try to tell you we're upset with something (aka you being gone too much) and when that doesn't work sometimes we resort to childish methods like going to a bar. Kinda of an "I'll show him type attitude".
> 
> I've been guilty of this in my past. I'd do the very thing that I knew would upset him to prove my point. I'm not proud of it I'm just saying you might want to figure out if this really is about you being gone too much or not.


I know... =(


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

she may be right to be pissed of, feeling caged or anything but being right about this only will give her motive or create the necessary circumstances to cheat.

there are things that there shouldn't be elasticity. you shouldn't let her go out till 3 am, or with that friend of hers to places like bars, clubs.

I see that you trust her as it should be but now there is something dangerous going on your trust will only let her do the mistake. she is a confused woman and you are her husband, do what it takes. And while doing it, don't take a step back and don't let her change your mind or force you to trust her. 

don't let her keep on doing these, she may get pissed, you may argue but I am sure it will be easier to find a solution now rather than after she cheats you.

I hope that everything becomes fine from the bottom of my heart but don't lose time and don't doubt that this is wrong.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ask your wife how she would feel if you were out at the bars with the guys until 3 AM

What is it that you help your parents with? Is it something they could afford to hire a PT worker for?


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Ask your wife how she would feel if you were out at the bars with the guys until 3 AM
> 
> What is it that you help your parents with? Is it something they could afford to hire a PT worker for?


They own a small garage and I enjoy helping out. ( fixing things etc) it has been part of my life from day one. Part time worker would not make sense


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

UpsetHusband said:


> I am not saying I am not part of the problem, But I also feel the GNO do not have to be at a bar. I just feel scared angry just eats away at me inside when she goes out...I wont sleep untill I know she is safe.


Just grow a pair and tell he she can't go! If she goes anyway, don't come home on the nights she goes out, this way there is no one to watch the kids. If she gets a sitter, follow her and spend the night in the same bar or club as her and her friends. Keep this up until she quits going out of until you are served with a restraining order. Stop whining and making excuses and do something about it.

Edit: I think that she is using this time to hook up with guys. Have you been able to rule this out?


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

Well... 3:45amhe calls and they are going back to the hotel room. I was fairly sure she was drunk but was told several times I am not I am fine. Being alittle pissed I told her we are meeting her for breakfast at 8am right by where she was. She was ok call me later. So I get the kids up all ready and text her at 723and heard nothing back, 738 I text again and 739 I get Hey. I respond back and with be there in a few at waffle house. I get there and I see a Cracker Barrel so I text meet me there instead. She then responds back at 7:54 are you coming here.. So she calles me and is all confused. She said I told you to call me not text me. I texted you to make sure you were up I did not need to call and wake the others. So by this point she said well I have to get dressed. Here I am with two kids hungary waiting on her now still... She calles back she cant find her keys and id etc. Then "her friend" was not feeling good and went home. So I get pissed and call her husband and she answers the phone asking wtf is going on where is the keys and Id. She going I left the keys at the front desk. ( I had no idea why) So I go to the hotel and wait in the lobby and getting pissed each minute that went by... So I get tired of waiting and put the kids back in the truck as she is walking out. My wife falls down on the ice starts crying and I can smell the alcohol. Then I find out her friend who was also was drunk drove out car ( PISSED ME OFF) so we go to breakfast she does not want to eat goes to the bathroom and gets sick. I planned to have my sister to watch the kids so I tell my wife go home shower and be ready to leave. I drop the kids off and run home and make her leave. We run to a store and take back and few things and then we drive for 2-3 hours talking. Did not come up with alot but I let my heart out telling her why its stupied for this 3am **** and she does not need to be out that late. I will post more later


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## UpsetHusband (Dec 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Just grow a pair and tell he she can't go! If she goes anyway, don't come home on the nights she goes out, this way there is no one to watch the kids. If she gets a sitter, follow her and spend the night in the same bar or club as her and her friends. Keep this up until she quits going out of until you are served with a restraining order. Stop whining and making excuses and do something about it.
> 
> Edit: I think that she is using this time to hook up with guys. Have you been able to rule this out?


I really do not think she is cheating. I have never followed her but I am sure she could if she wanted too. I plan to not come home if she plans on going out again. maybe just tell her sorry I am going out instead and screw her plans. And also if she does the 3am crap just lock all the doors and when she comes home call the cops and tell her she is not allowed in the house she is drunk let them deal with it...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

UpsetHusband said:


> I really do not think she is cheating. I have never followed her but I am sure she could if she wanted too. I plan to not come home if she plans on going out again. maybe just tell her sorry I am going out instead and screw her plans. And also if she does the 3am crap just lock all the doors and when she comes home call the cops and tell her she is not allowed in the house she is drunk let them deal with it...


Dude, I don't know how I can stress this strong enough but you really need to prevent her from going out. I know this this is difficult because you have have legal issues here (unlawful imprisonment crap) but you have to find a way to make it end.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

UpsetHusband said:


> I really do not think she is cheating. I have never followed her but I am sure she could if she wanted too. I plan to not come home if she plans on going out again. maybe just tell her sorry I am going out instead and screw her plans. And also if she does the 3am crap just lock all the doors and when she comes home call the cops and tell her she is not allowed in the house she is drunk let them deal with it...


Yeah, she's staying at a hotel with other people and you think she's being faithful? 

You're deluding yourself.


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