# very little sex is tough



## husbandof6y (Jun 10, 2011)

hi everyone newbie here the reason i joined is today marks a month with no sex i dont remember ever going this long since my wife and i have been together and of course im getting sexually fustrated. we have been married 6 y. in 1 more week hopeing this is not the only sex we will have for the next month. the past year things have been alitte rocky she had i believe a emotional affair we worked thru it but of course it takes time. i love my wife very much she a great all around woman and glad that we ened up with each other. im a typical man i have needs? and those needs use to be meant along with hers we use to experiment alot with oral? toys etc. but the last quite a few months i have to force just to a kiss, its getting to the point when she accidentally bruses my privates in bed i got some! we do have alot stress right now her work, money but the thing that jerks my chain is i try to get her in the mood im turned down as soon as shes home alone she masturbates what gives we use to have sex 3 times a week


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She is not attracted to you, and I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. She probably needs you to be manly and dominate and not allow your self to be mistreated. With me I know it's more how I think about him and react to his behaviour then actual physical looks, (although my fiance is cute too : ) ).

What works for me is if he treats me well and is very considerate, also lets me know I am attractive, lots of non sexual touching, however also he has to be manly, I love it if he's dominate, and he also touches me sexually at random times, lets me know how much he wants me, or just has to have me.

You have let her walk all over you. What measures have you taken to ensure that her EA is really over? Is she totally transparent? Are you in counseling?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If she had and EA and you are not having sex, you cannot say you worked through it.

Also, you can't say to yourself that she is a great all around woman, if she had and EA and does not have sex with you.

Turn things around in your head to the point that you are the great catch, a marriage needs to be sexual or it cannot be described as good, and she needs to step up to the challenge of being a great wife in a great marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's cutting you off from all forms of affection for a month, she's not a great woman. That's called emotional abuse. It's low, it's despicable, it's disrespectful, and it's just plain cruel. She's had at least an EA. That's not much of a recommendation for her character. If you wish to break this cycle of disrespect and abuse, perhaps the first step is to lose the rose colored glasses. She isn't a princess. She doesn't reside on a throne. She doesn't deserve a steady stream of powder sugar blown up her backside and such a stream won't make her adore you. The prospect of her leaving is not a threat, it would solve more problems for you than it would create. She's adding misery and insecurity to your life. She needs to make a decision. Either she participates fully in the marriage or she packs. She isn't a passenger or freight. She signed on to be a partner. She can bail water, row, or she can damned well get out of the boat.


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## husbandof6y (Jun 10, 2011)

i do believe the ea is over it was almost a year ago obviously a person wouldnt know a100% without having phone recordind devices and such and i dont like to snoop if dont have to lucky me she writes it down when they text in a special place not knowing i am aware of it at least when we did do it a couple times a month i was half ass happy. im aware that im not perfect she does alot for me and takes care of most everything and she feals like were friends and not a couple alot of that is my fault she also mentioned about touching her to much gropeing etc. i want her to know that im thinking of her and i want her. its hard not to be all over her when your horny!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Okay, first, STOP groping. There is nothing that is a more sure-fire guaranteed way to turn off a woman than a man groping at her. Groping will never put a woman in the mood for sex. So, get a grip and quit it. If you are coming off as needy and begging for it, she may feel like you are smothering her. You need to tone it down.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Second, if I were you I would take a little spin into the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and start reading up on some of the threads on how to man-up - how to become a confident, assured man that a woman would find attractive.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Whatever it is that you are doing, it isn't doing it for your wife. Think about how you acted with your wife when you were dating and first married. Was she more sexual with you then? So, are you still doing those things? Do you keep your physical person up - do you exercise, keep neat, clean, well-groomed? Do you put any effort into pursuing her and letting her know she is sexy (groping does NOT count), or trying to figure out what she really needs?

A good book to read is "His Needs, Her Needs".
Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I suppose you could jump through a bunch of hoops and maybe extract a few crumbs out of this woman and maybe you can someday be "half-assed happy" again. She's your buddy? Was that the arrangement you signed up for? The world is chuck full of women who will be your buddy and also happily jump your bones. While she's getting herself off, I suspect she's imagining a little "groping". She needs to make up her mind what your relationship is. If it's a love affair, she needs to get with the program and act interested. If she just wants a buddy to share expenses, she doesn't need or deserve a marriage contract.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Okay, I missed the part about her having an EA. Are you sure the EA is over? What's happened over the last month? Something has changed.

And to unbelievable - nope, I doubt most women want to be groped all the time (I define groping as just a straight shot out of the blue to the erogenous zones). Lots of women like it to start out a little more subtle than that, and then once the engine is purring it's okay.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

in addition to the above man up be manly man doing manly things, don't forget to be a decent human being. Look into love busters, love languages.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are ways of modifying a man's clumsy sexual technique without taking an emotional vacation from marriage for a month or having an EA. If you have to pry, beg, and perform magic tricks to extract a little affection from your wife, you've either married the wrong person or your wife is defective. Mine doesn't have to perform cartwheels or blow perfect quantities of powder sugar up my butt to get a normal human response out of me. Love is a choice. Withholding love is a choice. People are responsible for their own choices. If she were emotionaly neglecting her child, you wouldn't tell the child to modify his behavior. She signed up to be a wife. She knows what the job requires and it's up to her to make it happen. If his modifying a bit makes it easier for her to perform her role, she needs to explain to him what she needs. Not showing up for the performance for over a month isn't a viable option.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> There are ways of modifying a man's clumsy sexual technique without taking an emotional vacation from marriage for a month or having an EA. If you have to pry, beg, and perform magic tricks to extract a little affection from your wife, you've either married the wrong person or your wife is defective. Mine doesn't have to perform cartwheels or blow perfect quantities of powder sugar up my butt to get a normal human response out of me. Love is a choice. Withholding love is a choice. People are responsible for their own choices. If she were emotionaly neglecting her child, you wouldn't tell the child to modify his behavior. She signed up to be a wife. She knows what the job requires and it's up to her to make it happen. If his modifying a bit makes it easier for her to perform her role, she needs to explain to him what she needs. Not showing up for the performance for over a month isn't a viable option.


Relationships have to work both ways. Yah, maybe she is a 'defective' wife, like you say. Or maybe he's a 'defective' husband. We don't know. But, HE is the one that is here asking for advice, and SHE isn't. The ONLY person he can reasonably change is himself - he can't make her change, he can't make her explain anything, he can't make her perform. If he's gonna wait on her doing all of these things, he will likely wait a long time. Therefore, the only thing he can do is seek to improve himself while he also seeks the answers that will hopefully help him improve his relationship.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I sincerely doubt one person can ever modify their behavior enough so as to instill honorable character in another adult where it previously did not exist. Withholding affection for months on end is wrong, unacceptable, inexcusable, and indefensible. If she is that unhappy, she needs to take action to change her situation. Either work to fix the relationship or leave. Retiring-in-place from a marriage is not an option. Turning to others outside the marriage is not an option. He can't jump through enough hoops to fix this unilaterally. She hasn't even given him any indication in months that she even cares to be married to him.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I sincerely doubt one person can ever modify their behavior enough so as to instill honorable character in another adult where it previously did not exist. Withholding affection for months on end is wrong, unacceptable, inexcusable, and indefensible. If she is that unhappy, she needs to take action to change her situation. Either work to fix the relationship or leave. Retiring-in-place from a marriage is not an option. Turning to others outside the marriage is not an option. He can't jump through enough hoops to fix this unilaterally. She hasn't even given him any indication in months that she even cares to be married to him.


I am not suggesting that he "jump through hoops" for HER. I am only suggesting that he simply look at bettering himself in whichever way that HE can for HIMSELF. It certainly won't hurt him at all for whatever the future holds for them, and if his wife finally sees the light because of it and it helps the relationship, all the better.

Okay, I'm off the soapbox now. :rant:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life

Just another resource


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## husbandof6y (Jun 10, 2011)

first i would like to say thanks for all the good advice. well i tried the direct approach yesterday about getting some we both had bad days at work and i told her i got screwed by so many cust. today that im screwing someone and thats u and actually she more less agreed lol but by the time it was gonna happen shes 2 tired well swing and miss. i did ask why we havent for so long she says she just isnt horny because of work etc. but i do know her job is being threatened and could lose it and thats tuff on both of us but thats why were here for each other. i did pick up 2 part jobs to try to help the money sit. abit hopeing shed miss me some it is working alittle. i do grope her to much and im trying to change that alittle more respect in that department cant hurt. i read the hot and cold in the mens lounge funny he explains us to a tee its so hard not to show affection and act normal!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

husbandof6y said:


> i read the hot and cold in the mens lounge funny he explains us to a tee its so hard not to show affection and act normal!


I think it's the degree of affection that you are showing. If you are always on her, groping or whatever, that is going to be smothering to her. I'm not sure you have to turn the "temp" down to absolute zero - you can still do many tender things throughout the day that involve touch that are not overwhelming. Examples of things my H does to me (they are more like "teasers", and I didn't realize I really had a great H until I came on to this forum and found out that lots of women don't have a man like this). He will:

* come up behind me when I am at the sink rinsing dishes, put his hands on my waist lightly and then nuzzle in my hair, give me a quick kiss, and walk away (usually with a twinkle in his eye)

* send me a lustful look with wagging eyebrows when we pass in the hallway and he is carrying a load of laundry to put away

* give me a soft pat on my bottom when I get out of the car

* hold hands when we are out shopping

* sit close to me, holding hands and nuzzle my hair when we are on the couch watching TV

Occasionally, he will do more overt things (he did this more so in the past when we were younger and my health was a little better than it has been the last two years):

* Grab me around the waist when I would come in the door, push me against the wall and give me a huge kiss, then walk away. WOW!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Enchantment,
I agree on the groping. It has to stop 100 percent. During our first year together I did that a lot. Thank goodness my W snapped at me one day and said "I HATE that, I HATE being groped". And that was 21 years years ago. I have never done it since. Physical intimacy is a gift. It is an incredibly beautiful thing. And it is a responsibility. Touching your partner in a way they dislike and claiming "I just want you to know I desire you" is very destructive to a relationship. 

And me stopping that is one big reason we have a huge amount of touch in our marriage. I learned to touch, hold, hug, massage and scratch (back scratch) her in a way she loves and I love. And she learned the same about me. 

But even though we are BOTH very affectionate and that spills into the bedroom, I respect her space. For instance she absolutely does not like me to be inside her personal space - 18 inches - while eating breakfast. Absolutely fine by me. If I chose not to respect that, it would show a lack of consideration for how she feels. AND it would show me to be a very needy person. 




Enchantment said:


> Okay, first, STOP groping. There is nothing that is a more sure-fire guaranteed way to turn off a woman than a man groping at her. Groping will never put a woman in the mood for sex. So, get a grip and quit it. If you are coming off as needy and begging for it, she may feel like you are smothering her. You need to tone it down.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html
> 
> Second, if I were you I would take a little spin into the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and start reading up on some of the threads on how to man-up - how to become a confident, assured man that a woman would find attractive.
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Enchantment,
> I agree on the groping. It has to stop 100 percent. During our first year together I did that a lot. Thank goodness my W snapped at me one day and said "I HATE that, I HATE being groped". And that was 21 years years ago. I have never done it since. Physical intimacy is a gift. It is an incredibly beautiful thing. And it is a responsibility. Touching your partner in a way they dislike and claiming "I just want you to know I desire you" is very destructive to a relationship.
> 
> And me stopping that is one big reason we have a huge amount of touch in our marriage. I learned to touch, hold, hug, massage and scratch (back scratch) her in a way she loves and I love. And she learned the same about me.
> ...


Maybe it is common for young men starting out in marriage to be gropers. My husband was exactly the same way when we married. At first, I bottled my reaction since I had no point of reference in what a man's sexual desire was like, but eventually it came bubbling out and I let him have it. I think it went on longer than a year for us - maybe the first three or so.

The key for men to understand, is that even though you might like to be groped (my H does) and that may be the way you would like to show desire for your W, IF she is not receptive to that, then you are doing a lot of damage to your relationship. LISTEN to what the other is saying, take it to heart, and do your best to implement it, if you can.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> Maybe it is common for young men starting out in marriage to be gropers.


Not all new husbands are gropers, mine never was. I think I might have liked it, I have never had that experience in marraige. 

He HAS, although, always did a very similar list that Enchantment listed above, VERY VERY affectionate and I am wildly sexual towards him --in response.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Contrary to popular belief,wives don't always exactly match the expectations of their husbands. These inconveniences are not an excuse to withhold affection or sex or to quit supporting one's family, quit taking out the trash, stop taking the wife to the hospital when she needs to go, etc. Skirt fully inflated or not, the business of marriage continues. Amazing how a man's sexual technique seems to be peachy keen before marriage but then it becomes a problem sufficient to justify the cessation all displays of affection.


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## husbandof6y (Jun 10, 2011)

this is a bummer shes not horny so i didnt get any last night evan though it was suppose to happen so i just go home from work shes out getting some groceries sure as **** she rubbed one off this morning makes a guy feel proud lol. now i know she wont be horny i would confront her about it but i do not want to reveal how i know. its more of a turn on be alot better if she did it with me instead. the groping is definitely coming to a stop thanks everyone. i am doing more around the house and things with her but its more of a pat on the back then anything ive decided im not pushing for sex anymore if she wants it she can make the move otherwise looks like our right hands will be r best friends!!


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## Red347 (Jun 12, 2011)

What is this world coming to?!!??? Since when can a wife stand up and say, " OKAY!! THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE ANYMORE SEX!!!! Why did you get married in the first place then. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...REMEMBER! Single men never have this problem while they are dating. Marriage is a damn trap, I tell you. They should be made to have sex by law. Why? Because if you go outside the marriage and have sex, they will divorce you and get child support. The same child support officers that come and put a boot on your car, should be holding her legs apart. Then they tell you porn and masturbation is wrong, and they will divorce you for that! What options do you have left?


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## husbandof6y (Jun 10, 2011)

Red347 said:


> What is this world coming to?!!??? Since when can a wife stand up and say, " OKAY!! THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE ANYMORE SEX!!!! Why did you get married in the first place then. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...REMEMBER! Single men never have this problem while they are dating. Marriage is a damn trap, I tell you. They should be made to have sex by law. Why? Because if you go outside the marriage and have sex, they will divorce you and get child support. The same child support officers that come and put a boot on your car, should be holding her legs apart. Then they tell you porn and masturbation is wrong, and they will divorce you for that! What options do you have left?


well still nothing from the wife we will see tom. what she does she doesnt work im sure she will buzz another off even though shes not horny and our anniversary is sat goin on 5 weeks with no action . better get some soon aunt flow isnt far away otherwise it will be another week oh well deal with i guess.


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