# Divorced Dad dating--my scenario



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

So, I am just going to leave this here publicly now to see if others have gone through similar situations. 

Divorced almost 2 years (ILYBINILWY walk away wife)-- did the rebound thing immediately and 6 months later realized it was WAY too serious; have spent time learning to date (not great at it but more self aware). 

I have been on match for about a year. Had several dates. The first one I tried to attach to and I am sure, looking back, I came off as needy. I moved on, looked at the situation and learned. (Still not perfect)

Met another gal that basically has become a FWB. Last spring it was 2-3 nights a week, she pulled back-- very newly divorced-- but I basically allowed her to come to me when she wanted. She did basically say when she pulled back and I saw her less that she is not a good person to date right now. She is right but we cannot keep our hands (or mouths) of each other when we are together so neither of us has completely stopped it. However much like some of the members in the 'singles' thread, I find myself wondering when I will hear from her again. So I know there is at least some attachment (and I am sure some is just physical/sex drive stuff, but still...)

in the meantime, I have met and had dates with some other women but never more than one. Just wasnt there for me. 

So, a couple nights ago I get a tinder match and just shoot a message. We live in the area and have some of the same FB friends, which shows up on Tinder. We messaged back and forth and after about the third one i told her I would like to meet in person, she agreed, we exchanged numbers and then some texts to figure out our schedule/arrange date. 

Once it was set, last night, she went ahead and continued to text, starting with whatre you up to? I went with it and we texted much more than I normally would with someone I hadnt met. It definitely came off as needy, but at the same time, I do not know her so trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Also, I did not cut it off. 

So wondering a couple of things

-- I know the texting is a red flag and I have learned to control it on my end through past mistakes, and especially do not like email/text for long periods with someone I have not met (which is why i ask to meet probably sooner than most-- have others had this experience before the date/meeting and had letdowns? good dates? turned out to be a signal they are wanting too much quickly? I want to watch myself and make sure this doesnt go wrong for me

--Also, about the two dichotomies between the FWB, who contacts me somewhat randomly, and this girl (or could be others) who seems like she would be in constant contact. I mean, I guess I got what I wished for when I wanted more contact from the FWB...?

--Multiple dating: I feel like this is the norm now and accepted but I am not sure it is for me...or maybe it IS for me and the better way to go. I have a hard time seeing myself regularly dating a woman while still sleeping with the FWB even if I hadnt lied about it, etc. Thoughts?

--Sidebar: I have met several women online and then transitioned to that in person however while i am much more comfortable-- and outgoing-- in being around attractive women, I have not really been active in dating women I just happen to meet. Most of the women I see that are attractive are at my office so while I can have a conversation even with one i do not know, i havent transitioned THAT into a date; also I need, in order to improve in meeting women NOT ONLINE, to get out to places where I can meet them i guess. I am 44 w/ two kids so the idea of meeting someone similar situation (divorced w/ kids) is ideal. Any tips on meeting women and making dates in person appreciated. 

Having said all that, sometimes I want just sex, sometimes I want more. 

Sorry for the long post. A lot in my head right now! (None of it that important luckily)


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would say that you are naturally figuring this thing out as most of us do. I am further along in the process but I went thorough almost all these stages and doubt as you so a few words or wisdom.

Drop all notions of what is normal. I get the whole don't text too much before dating because it could be a let down but that isn't always going to be the case. My live in GF and I texted for weeks before we finally met. I had huge anxiety about it because I thought she was keeping me at arms length. Turns out she just isn't into texting much and so I was letting my preconceived notions about her get in the way. Set for yourself a realistic time table and work from there..just realize exceptions will sometimes need to be made....nothing is real until you actually meet.

Multi dating is hard. Some agree with it and some don't. I have a really good memory for details so I can have 5-6 first dates or meetings in a weekend and remember everyone's stories. That said it can be exhausting, time consuming, and expensive to date like this. No right or wrong answer do what feels comfortable. What I do is when single is date as many as I can until I find one of real interest. If she feels same way we go exclusive to see what happens. This is the process that works best for me..something to consider.

FWB is really a bad idea And personally I don't agree with them. I have no problem with someone having a FB mind you but if you are legitimately friends that's going to be an issue. Once you get involved with someone they will want you to hang up these old ties and rightfully so. Now your in a position to lose a legitimate friend. Now if you have no ties and could walk away tomorrow then no issues with it. I just don't suggest you do this if you have a legitimate friendship.

Enjoy dating. The least amount of expectations you put on it, them and yourself the more fun you will find you have


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Thanks for your response. The FWB thing is mutual and she knows she has an opportunity to make it exclusive. We are both aware that each has been on dates with other people. And while we did me online dating we have become friends to a certain extent. I don't think either would feel ant sense of betrayal. And we didn't get together to be friends though I'm positive we will still be friendly as long as we are honest as we have been.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Multiple dating is fine, multiple sex partners without full disclosure is scummy and dishonest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Multiple dating is fine, multiple sex partners without full disclosure is scummy and dishonest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

You seem to be figuring out what you want pretty well. I'm not the best advice here as I met my wife within a few weeks of being separated then divorced.

I wouldn't worry about wanting to meet too soon. One of the big complaints from online daters is the match that just wants to text and email. If you're a match then meet up. It doesn't have to be an elaborate 1st date, keep it casual and think of it as a meeting to decide if you both want to make a real date. One friend of mine used to get upset as he'd take someone out for a date and spend $200 on dinner then they didn't want to meet again. More fool him.

When my, now, wife and I first met it was long distance and we were going to just keep it very casual. I went on other local dates one of which went well. I was up front about my situation and she was fine with that. Later on she decided that she wanted to be exclusive but things were getting serious with W2B so we parted ways as friends. We're still friends, and W knows before the TAM chorus chimes in, today. 

If I hadn't been honest I would have an enemy not a friend today. The bigger thing was when my daughter asked about my dating I was able to keep my head high and show her what happens when you are honest with people.

More than a single you are a role model to your kids. They don't need to know the details but they do need to see their parent treating people in the way they should and should expect to be treated themselves.

Disjointed as it is I hope this helps


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You seem to be figuring out what you want pretty well. I'm not the best advice here as I met my wife within a few weeks of being separated then divorced.
> 
> ...


Agreed. My dad did a lot of online dating before he died and he used to say that so many people weren't really interested in meeting so it was import to meet for coffee asap just to weed out frauds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am/was dating off match too. I always wanted to meet the person right away. It weeds out the not attracted to factor quick. Also the people that are not truthful. I have been dating the same guy now for two months and we are exclusive. I can't keep track of multi-dating situations. Do what feels best for you and good luck. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

This is a topic that's very often in my thoughts at the moment. I'm still mid-divorce, living together, and there will likely be a custody battle upcoming, so dating is pretty much off the table. Still, I do meet people when I go out with friends, and I am a human with human needs. It's been a bit odd working out a good path through these conflicting emotions. Back in the day, my philosophy was to just let things play out, maybe it ends up as a relationship or maybe it doesn't, but as long as nothing has been 'defined' then no harm no foul. I'm more stringent now. Part of it is that I assume women at this age are far more likely to be looking for a relationship instead of just 'having fun', and I don't want to waste their time. Part of it is that I *know* I can't be in a relationship now, so I can't honestly say 'let's see what happens'.

So basically, my rule so far has been to just tell the truth.. point out that I am not in a situation that generally pans out well for a relationship, and indeed I don't have the energy or even time for one, but I certainly enjoy the company, and if they want to occasionally blow off steam with good company then I am available. Let me tell you, even with good chemistry it is a very awkward conversation to have very early on. Still, I think it doesn't waste anyone's time, and the honesty is sometimes appreciated. It opens up a dialogue where boundaries are made explicit, which is very helpful.

Anyway OP, this probably doesn't help with your situation, but since it's been something that's been on my mind a lot lately, I wanted to vent. Sorry to hijack


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

not a problem. that actually makes a lot of sense since i did try the relationship thing WAY too soon and havent gone back to it yet.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

truster said:


> So basically, my rule so far has been to just tell the truth.. point out that I am not in a situation that generally pans out well for a relationship, and indeed I don't have the energy or even time for one, but I certainly enjoy the company, and if they want to occasionally blow off steam with good company then I am available. Let me tell you, even with good chemistry it is a very awkward conversation to have very early on. Still, I think it doesn't waste anyone's time, and the honesty is sometimes appreciated. It opens up a dialogue where boundaries are made explicit, which is very helpful.


Even if you are not told so at the time I think you'l find that the honesty was appreciated more than "sometimes".

I'm sorry for your situation, you are doing the right thing by not adding to your stress trying to keep up with a web of tales.


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