# I need some marriage advice.



## Monicaj (Sep 29, 2021)

Hello I just really need another perspective on my marriage right now. I'll try and make this as short as possible with as many details as possible. I have been married to my husband for 20 years now. 

We got married when we were both 18. I know he cheated on me every chance he got in the beginning due to the evidence I have found after getting home from work. But he never admitted anything to me til years later. When I say years I mean 17 years later. 

Although over the years I pressed him like every couple months about it to get him to admit to it. I just couldn't stand lies and still can't, lies drive me nuts to say the least. Even though I pleaded and cried so many times over the years he never actually admitted it til 17 years later. 

Even though I already knew it when he did finally admit to it, I was surprised about how much it actually hurt me to hear him say it. It felt like it just happened. I was devastated. It's been a little over 3 years since he admitted it and it still hurts me and I still haven't been able to trust him but even more so now. He swears he was just young and stupid back then and is a good man husband and dad now and that I have nothing to worry about anymore. 

He has apologized so much and does seem sincere. But I now am having issues with feeling secure with myself and feeling like he isn't attracted to me anymore. He always reassurs me but I'm not convinced. I look at myself in the mirror and I see the obvious aging signs. I know I've let myself go and I am ry self conscience about it. I've tried to dress up and put makeup on like I used to but I feel like I don't even know how to do it anymore. My husband always tells me how beautiful I look but I know he's just saying that to make me feel better. 

So whenever we go anywhere it's always him trying to cheer me up instead of us enjoying the day or night. I don't know what's wrong with me why I can't snap out of it but it's so frustrating. We have 5 kids and I don't want them to see me like this. I don't want to know that their dad chested on me ever. I want my boys to learn how to treat women good like their dad treats me. 

I want my daughter to choose a husband based on the way her dad loved her mom her whole life. For the most part they do see it and hopefully do learn from it. Now I feel as if it's based on a lie cause of what he has admitted to me recently. I feel he only admitted it to me cause of all the begging and crying and promising that I would let it go if he would just admit to me. 

He didn't admit it to be a better man or come clean. It was cause he was tired of it all. I'm doing everything I can to keep my promise and let it go but it's killing me. I just feel like raging and asking how he could do this to me. But I can't cause I promised I wouldn't I just needed to hear the truth from him is what I told him so many times over the years. 

I feel depressed and bitter. I feel like it's all going to just burst out when I explode one day soon. I don't know what to do anybody have any advice?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Maybe this view is controversial, but I'd say that you are not bound by your promise. When you're dealing with someone who cannot live up to his own promises and has been consistently deceitful, you're permitted a bit of dishonesty yourself in order to obtain the truth. The police engage in deceit when conducting an investigation, e.g. "Your friend told us you pulled the trigger." I say you need to bring it all out in the open, and he needs to listen to your raging and provide the explanations you're demanding. He honestly doesn't have a leg to stand on if he comes back with "But you promised!"


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm trying to understand. Is all of the cheating long in the rear-view mirror and he has been a good husband, or he's still stepping out?


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

I'm sorry to read how you got hurt. It's understandable how you feel under those circumstances 

You write that you let yourself go, and destined how you don't like the way you look.
The lowest hanging fruit to make you feel better is the gym. Take classes that other people are participating in. That should help you feel better, and give you confidence in how you're living you're life. And you'll look better, healthier. You makeup might start working again. 

There might be some things underground that you've been picking up subliminally, keeping you pushed down. How sure are you that there's nothing going on?

You are his wife. From your words it sounds like he is treating you like he loves you. For men in love, their wives are the most beautiful, the only place of contentment and happiness. If he says that you are that, then maybe you are. I'm hoping that he is doing his all to make you feel that way. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

I think karagoround gave you good advice about going to the gym; get serious about routine workouts (should be 3 or 4 per week). If you can't get to a gym or pool, just take up running; start with walking and work up from. A middle-aged body isn't what it used to be. You have 5 kids and probably not much time to yourself. My wife and I raised 4 kids, so we know some about that. But...regular strenuous workouts can do a lot to improve your mood and help you feel better, and probably even help with some of that aging that's been sneaking up. 

My wife and I have not personally experienced infidelity, so I speak from that perspective, but we both would say that your marriage is very important and if possible, you both need to do all possible to not only save it, but make it a little stronger every day. Maybe you should think about letting his cheating kind of 'lay in the background' for a bit while you begin some personal renewal. I'd recommend also that the two of you try to communicate more frequently and effectively just to share yourselves with each other one day at a time. I know that with 5 kids, it's a ******; maybe short love notes or quickie phone calls just to appreciate each other a little more. 

I wish you and your husband the best. Marriage isn't easy but well worth the trouble.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Married at 18 years old? That is young. He says he stopped the cheating 17 years ago, meaning he was 21 years old? Are you sure? Is he willing to take a poly to prove it? When did you two become parents ?

Even though he’s a POS for cheating on you, it doesn’t mean that the compliments he’s given you over the years aren’t from the heart. I read so many times women say such things. There have been times that my wife has told me “oh you’re just saying that because I’m your wife “. When I’ve given her sincere compliments.

You have every right to hold him accountable for betraying you. There is no statue of limitations on facing consequences for adultery. If he’s been faithful for past 17 years, maybe you can work through this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I also want co-sign on to what @karmagoround and @married54yrs said about exercising. Just because you’ve gain wait over the years and giving birth to 5 kids doesn’t mean it can’t be turned around. At 38 years old, you’re still young and can make a tremendous progress if you put in the effort. We have quite a bit of late 40s to early sixties women on TAM that can still turn heads. It just takes some effort.

Lastly, many women need to understand that very few men are turned on by the skinny models on the cover of Vogue or Cosmo. Not that the male gaze is the reason you should workout but let’s keep it real. It partially is. Well it is for us men.


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## Monicaj (Sep 29, 2021)

Deejo said:


> I'm trying to understand. Is all of the cheating long in the rear-view mirror and he has been a good husband, or he's still stepping out?


Yes this was all in the past when we were first married. But to be honest he has always been a very good husband besides the cheating that he did. I mean he never had the usual cheaters behavior. It happened while I was at work only. 

When I was off of work there was never any time where he tried to leave somewhere or left me at home while went out or anything. If I was home he was either at work himself or home with me. 

Besides work there was never a place we went without each other. Neither one of us were ever party people, both homebodies. He was always been very protective and loving. 

We were both so young but he was at the time a very good husband and become an even better man now. But the issue I'm having with him is he shuts down or blows up when I want to talk about anything to do with him cheating. So to me that is so wrong. He feels like he has talked so much about it. He has but he's counting all the talking and fighting we did before he confessed too. I had no trust for him at all cause I knew he cheated and he knew I knew all them years but he just wouldn't be honest. I feel bitter about that. 

I still haven't been able to trust him. I feel that me promising to drop if only he would come clean has caused me to take it out on him another way. That is why I now question everything he does and he's ok with it. He has permanent location sharing with me on Google maps. Which I know there's ways around that if he wanted to do something without me knowing. And I have thought he was trying to manipulate it before and I would just facetime him which he has never failed to answer Everytime so far I've suspected something. 

That has left me looking stupid and embarrassed several times. So I try not to jump to conclusions anymore. I think sometimes he has a second phone he leaves at work or hidden phone line on his phone. I search through his phone when he gets home but of course always squeaky clean. He never has an issue with me looking through his phone at all. It all furthermore makes me think he is just good at hiding **** now. I don't think he so much cheats as much as I feel he probably talks online to other women that could turn into cheating. 

But again I think if he was talking to women while at work that he would use his lunch hour to talk to them but he talks to me and our kids everyday without fail his entire lunch hour. And always has called me as soon as he goes on his lunch. I mean it seems like all is good if I consider all this I mean it's been years and he never changes character and never even attempts to go out after work even though he gets invitations from people at work. It's just who he is. 

His favorite passed time is taking our kids somewhere fun or watching basketball or football at home while drinking beer after work or on weekends. He really loves to have friends or family here to yell and cheer on the game with but just doesn't enjoy going out to sports bars or anything. But anyway I just want to find a way to be normal again.

I feel like just because he doesn't now or he didn't yesterday or hasn't in years doesn't mean he wont tomorrow or next week or a year down the road. Maybe he just hasn't had the chance to cheat. But if he did I don't doubt he would. I'm driving myself crazy with the thoughts everyday and he has to know it's killing me inside. But he just sits back ok with everything. Bitter is what I feel.



karmagoround said:


> I'm sorry to read how you got hurt. It's understandable how you feel under those circumstances
> 
> You write that you let yourself go, and destined how you don't like the way you look.
> The lowest hanging fruit to make you feel better is the gym. Take classes that other people are participating in. That should help you feel better, and give you confidence in how you're living you're life. And you'll look better, healthier. You makeup might start working again.
> ...


Thank you your reply actually gave me hope and made me feel a little better.
Yes I do agree with you about the gym and classes. It's just due to pandemic I've got my kids homeschooling for now. Just so little time for anything these days. Excuses, excuses right, I know. But to answer your question it's only as far as I know nothing's been going on. I mean besides a few times that seemed a little suspicious that turned out to be nothing or without no concrete evidence had no choice but to let it go, I don't know of anything he's been doing. But he's always home if not at work. Nothing suspicious on his phone and he never has to take calls in another room or has to leave anywhere I can't go too or one of our kids can't go. He never does have any unusual behavior. So not 100 percent just as far as I know is all. I mean I do find myself bring overly suspicious at times. I hate it. I want to live normal.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

It's difficult to live with the unknown. How transparent was your WH with details of his affairs? Did he confess and that was it? It is typical for cheaters to minimize what they did when they finally fess up. Now, what to do? If there is more to the story at this point, you will have to be prepared for quite a dust-up in your marriage. You will have to push hard and it can get ugly. But if you feel there is more to the story and your mind cannot rest until you know everything, start by asking your husband to do a DETAILED written timeline of each affair. He will claim that he doesn't remember the details. He may not remember everything, but he certainly knows who he screwed, where, when it started and when it ended. Your biggest concern I would think is if the last liaison took place 17 years ago or is there more recent activity. Now here is the tough part. Tell your husband that his timeline is subject to verification by a polygraph. 

His reaction may tell you what you need to know. A completely truthful wayward spouse that has nothing to hide would certainly agree to do it if it would help his/her partner heal. A deceitful partner will come up with one excuse after another not to do it. Now, polygraphs aren't perfect but they can many times elicit a "parking lot" confession. Again, you can get a handle on your husband's truthfulness by how he reacts. Finally, go through with the polygraph. We know that they are not foolproof, but I believe that they do offer enough information, if administered by someone who knows what they are doing, to make them worth it. I don't think you have any other option at this point unless you think your husband may still be cheating. In that situation, you might wish to employ a P.I. during a time where the opportunity to cheat would be most advantageous such as a trip you might take out of town without your husband. 

I have been in your shoes. My ex-wife was quite brazen and didn't seem to really care when I caught her the second time she cheated. Your husband doesn't seem that way. He may have grown up and truly has been on the straight and narrow the last seventeen years. It is terrible that you still have to wonder if that is the case. It is his obligation to you to do everything to alleviate your concerns. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Monicaj, this is old news to your husband, but it's new to you. Yes, you suspected, but now you know. Which hurts.

OK, what I'm going to suggest is counselling for you as an individual and for you both as a couple.


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## Monicaj (Sep 29, 2021)

That's sounds like a very good suggestion, thank you.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Monica, my heart breaks for you. That is awful that he would hide something like that for all these years. 

It sounds like he wants to rug sweep this and do the absolute bare minimum to get this out of the way so he can move on with his life - so that means he gets to keep you and his family while also gets to keep his fond memories of the other women he slept with. As far as I can see, he is still living in a one-sided open marriage and isn't really remorseful. 

Tell us, what consequences has he suffered from his actions? Any slight inconveniences at all? Doesn't look like it to me. He should be kissing your feet that you want to stick around. There are many things he should be doing for you right now as a wayward. I'm sure someone here has the list/links to give you. Having him write a timeline and all that stuff. 

Think of it this way: what do you think it would do to your husband if you started going out, ignoring your husband, chatting and texting other men, disappearing at odd times, going out with the girls while the husband stayed home to be a free babysitter...... I have a sneaking suspicion he would start going nuts and be terrified you were cheating on him. Put it to him that way. 

Then ask him why it was totally cool that he did that to you.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Monicaj said:


> . I know I've let myself go and I am self conscience about it.


Hey there Monica,
Did you register for the fitness classes? Start from where you are and go for it all, I would encourage you.


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