# the refuser/the cheater



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

there seems to be an attitude that the spouce who refuses to have sex or comunicate why and work on some sort of compromise in reguards to a sexual frequency,variaty,etc. is moraly better than the cheater who finaly sucomes to temtation.

I personaly see them as equal contributers.


isn't there some obligation of the spouce to end things if they don't desire there husband/wife.


I feel the refuser is just as much a scum bag as the cheater.


this is not about people who cheat willy nilly this about people who strugled with trying to make things better and for what ever reason DECIDED to stray.


I think alot of people who make the scum bags comments to people who cheated are just as selfish with not trying to meet their partners needs. and through passive agression say they will try but know in their heart they never will really try.


again this is not about serial cheaters who would just cheat for the thrill of cheating this is about a couple where one just dosn't put any effort into trying some sort of compromise.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

both are very bad and destructive to a marriage but I hope you aren't saying cheaters are justified if they have a partner who withholds sex


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

I agree chillymorn. Not condoning cheating, but I can understand why someone who is lonely and feels rejected might stray so they feel some comfort.

I thin people do judge cheaters to harshly. We do not know thier situation or their pain. I of course am also talking about the "lonely" cheaters and not the ones that are just out getting some tail.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> there seems to be an attitude that the spouce who refuses to have sex or comunicate why and work on some sort of compromise in reguards to a sexual frequency,variaty,etc. is moraly better than the cheater who finaly sucomes to temtation.
> 
> I personaly see them as equal contributers.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

If a spouse constantly refuses sex for no medical or emotional reason, they deserve to be alone.

I agree with AR when he says that cheating is never justified, just understandable.

I have posted about my father's infidelity. The poor man was abused, henpecked and constantly refused sex. My mother wouldn't even give a BJ to her husband! :rofl: Idiot. No wonder he looked elsewhere; he is married to a shrew who hates sex.

Should my father have cheated? No. Does he have my sympathy and understanding? Hell yes.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't think it justifies cheating, but sometimes it does seem that we forget that forsaking all others isn't the only vow we took when we married. In my case, we both broke vows- just different ones. Yes, my husband's choice hurt me, but it also woke me up to the fact that our marriage was in distress and alot of that was my fault. Just because someone who has been betrayed with infidelity looks within themselves and knows they were in the wrong,too doesn't mean they are justifying it or that they are a cheater apologist. 

I do think people get very judgy about this issue (myself, included) and it doesn't hurt to remember that there are other vows that can hurt spouses when broken. Not condoning cheating. Just saying some cases may be a bit more understandable than others. Not justified, just more understandable and possibly, more forgivable.

As for whether it's worse to be the denier of intimacy or the cheater- I think they are both bad. The denier slowly eats away at their spouses self esteem, while the cheater gets the job done quickly. I don't know which is worse because I haven't experienced both. I can assume my pain was worse because it devastated me, but I read posts from spouses who are going through what my husband did and I feel compassion for them. I always hope things can be fixed before their marriage hits rock bottom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think that cheating is an extremely selfish act. 

I also think that withholding sex from a spouse and expecting them to remain monogamous is extremely selfish.

It is sometimes fun to argue which side is more selfish but IMO the truth is, this dynamic is an unhealthy relationship between two selfish people.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

True dat, Acorn!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> both are very bad and destructive to a marriage but I hope you aren't saying cheaters are justified if they have a partner who withholds sex


not justified..... I can just see how it happens.

as a man of strong pride and always trying to the right thing I always think I would be strong enough to fend off any temptations.

but recently I had a very attractive women all over me. She is married and was offering me things I could only dream about doing with my wife. and she was showing pure DESIRE for me.

It took every ounce of morel fortitude in my body to not bang the living hell out of her.I just kept trying to see my boys faces when they found out i cheated on mom.

maybe to much info here but here goes.

my c*ck was so hard it hurt. It felt like the first time I was actually got laid. I still can't believe I managed to not bang her. and walk away. yes I feel good about not. but I also feel horrible about it also. 

That night I put the moves on the wife and she said ok but wasn't really interested and I couldn't even finish.

really pure hell.


I sure as hell hope she dosn't try again don't know if I'll be able to refuse again.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Chilly:

I do empathize with your situation, and I wish I could reach through the computer and shake your wife. However, I do not feel that cheating is OK if you are being denied sex. STDs, pregnancy, spending family funds, and giving emotional intimacy to someone besides your spouse is the price to be paid for cheating.

Why don't you divorce? If your wife knew that you would not put up with her cold behavior, she might try to change.

Would you feel the same way toward the wives here who are being denied sex? Is it OK for them to cheat? Cheating is never acceptable in a marriage. There are too many consequences to that behavior.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

and the price for divorce is equally as high!


Just divorce is the answer alot of people give. But the reality of the matter is both choices sux.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just because the right choice is hard, it doesn't make it less right

I'm sorry if saying "fix it or get out" is too simplistic for you, but it's true


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Divorce is not easy, but it is better than leading a life of misery. There is someone else out there who would meet your needs.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Well, as someone who has been in your wife's shoes, I will tell you that I wish my husband had filed for divorce instead of making the choices he did. He never even mentioned the word divorce. I will never know if it would have made a difference. I suggest you atleast discuss that option with your wife. She may not realize the depth and severity of your problems. If you ever loved her at all, give her the courtesy of knowing what you are thinking and feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Cheating is wrong... so is refusing.

The difference is refusing is "acceptable" where cheating is not.

If you can't stand the "refusing" then leave and divorce don't cheat.


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