# I can't let go



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

My husband and I will have been married 6 years this June. We have been together for almost 10 years, and have 2 children. At the beginning of this year he informed me that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Over the course of the last few months more things have come to light, like an affair. I don't know where it went wrong exactly, but he claims that he felt unloved and rejected, because I didn't want to have sex all the time. My children are 4 and 5, and quite frankly he hasn't been a huge help, so yes, sex got to be one more thing I had to do for someone else. I tried talking to him about issues and I got accused of trying to start a fight. He never talked to me about how he felt. Now I am going to lose the only man I ever loved, break up my family, and watch all my hopes and dreams walk out the door. And in January I started seeing a therapist and have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I'm on meds, in therapy, and slowly starting to get myself back. Only to have this happen. I don't know what to do, and he hasn't let go completely either, so I can't. I don't know if I can let go at all. I mentioned going to have divorce papers done up, and he said "It hasn't come to that yet". What does that mean? I am so confused. Anyone have any ideas or advice?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

So you were diagnosed as clinically depressed before he told you? How has that manifested itself in your life? Why did you go in January before your husband dropped the bomb on you?

If he isn't ready for divorce papers, don't push it. Start counseling together if he'll go; keep going on your own if he won't.


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## Mo Simpson (Jun 3, 2009)

Hi, I think you mentioned divorce papers as a test to see where he was with that idea. I don't believe it's what you want.

That being the case I think it's a dangerous game to play and should be avoided. The best way to find out what's on his mind is to ask him.

If the two of you can't talk things through on your own, then as well as your own personal therapy, consider couples therapy.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Hi just read your thread really feel for you. I really dont think that your husband has fallen out of love with you think about it this way if he did he wouldnt still be there with you. Thinking about it properly do you think that he is just saying it so you do have sex with him. I know sounds weird and frightning but it could be a possibility. Having an affair is unforgivable but i think his playing with his own feeling as his still with you. (by the way is the affair over) if it is then can you understand that his just playing with his mind as he has realised that he got nothing apart from sex in the affair whereas what he wants is true love which he gets from his WIFE at home. Go speak to a counsellor expalin your problems and hopefully they should lead you in the right direction best of luck


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Just a general response to all the posts. He has flat out told me he isn't in love with me anymore. He claims he felt unwanted, that I didn't love him. I knew we were having problems, and tried many times to talk to him, and I was just accused of trying to start a fight or he would just shut me out. The affair is over, so he says. We went on a couples therapy weekend in Feb., where I thought we had made progress, and he says he hasn't talked to her since then. I have suggested therapy to him, but he's resistant, not the kind of guy that opens up easily. As far as him still being with me, well, quite frankly he has nowhere else to go, we don't have a lot of money, and he doesn't want to be away from our kids. So I don't think it has anything to do with me. We have talked about this ad nauseum over the last week, since I found out about the cheating, and I still don't know for sure where we stand. I mentioned the divorce papers because I would have gone to do them if he wanted it. No, I don't want it, I want my husband, my best friend, my true love, back. More than anything in the world. I would forgive him anything. In the same breath he'll say he's done and then say something else to make me think he's not. I am sooooo confused.


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## gambleoscar (Mar 12, 2010)

Did he have an emotional connection with the other woman, or was it just sex? If there was an emotional connection, I would really doubt that he's not seeing her. Because of his admission that he does not love you, I think he's there for financial reasons. I think the best thing you can do is try to let go. Letting go is so difficult. Maybe you should just come out and ask him if he wants you to let go. Work on yourself everyday to get strong. Don't change because you are hoping to win him back, change because you deserve something better than a man who doesn't love you. Things have a way of working themselves out. Try to prepare yourself for whatever comes your way. Have you ever thought you might be happier without him?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

He met this "woman", and I use that term loosely, on a social networking porn site. He said it "started to become a relationship", but really, I doubt it. I guess what ever kind of "relationship" one can have with an internet *****. There was no emotional connection, but I don't really believe that he won't do it again. I have a million reasons to throw him out and a million to want him to stay, so I just don't know. Happier without him? I can't imagine that right now, for so long he was my best friend, the one person in the world who saw me, my flaws, my crazyiness, and loved it all. I don't know where that went and my heart literally breaks every time I think about my life without him.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

in reading your original post, you mentioned that you didnt want sex all the time and it basically was just another thing that you had to do for someone else. is there a reason you dont like sex or sex with him? is it because "he is of no help?" are there thing he does do that you might take for granted?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Oddly enough, I absolutely enjoy sex with him, but due to hormones, the depression, and always being exhausted, the desire evaporated. plus it's hard to want to give someone pleasure when they have all but ignored you up to the point they want it. Since I started therapy and the meds, things have improved, but I fear it's just too late. The love he felt for me is gone, and I think he's going to leave. As far as what he does, sure, he does his "chores", yard work and the like, but our children shouldn't fall under our "to do" lists. All I asked for was for him to partner with me, do bath time together, get more involved with his kids day to day things, the stuff that isn't exciting but is important, I always ask him if he needs help with whatever he's doing, but he never did that for me. These are all things I wanted to work on, talk about, before he told me he had fallen out of love. Still in limbo with what he's going to do, still don't want him to go.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i hear ya on the kids, any good father should be very active in all aspects of their childrens lives. but alot of men/fathers are definitely NOT good in the nurturing department, especially the stuff thats babys and infants/toddlers need. timing seems important with some of your issues, like the when sex was diminishing and when he began to feel the way he does. i'm not making excuses for him, just trying to piece it together. if he was mature enough he should have discussed his problems with you early on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you verified that he no longer contacts her?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

He has apologized repeatedly for not talking to me, and not letting me talk to him. I tried so many times to talk about our issues. I have no way of verifying that he doesn't talk to her, just have to take his word. I don't know if he could ever get his feelings back, and I think that we want different things from life now, but I just can't tell him to get out. And he's not going on his own free will. I don't know when or why it all went wrong, but it did. He's changed so much that in my heart I know that he's not the man I love, but I still can't stop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want him, there are things you can do to try to achieve that. Let me know if you're interested.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I would do absolutely anything if it meant he would want and love me again. I would rather parachute out of a plane than lose him, and I have a deep seeded fear of heights and planes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. Go to marriagebuilders.com. Read every article you can find there, about how to have a healthy marriage. Find out where YOU contributed to his feelings, and set down steps to take to make sure you never do it again. Print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Ask him to fill it out - just for your knowledge in what YOU did wrong; not to win him back. (you don't have to tell him that's your goal)

If he won't fill it out, do your best to fill it out for him. Learn exactly what he doesn't like about you - big hips, bad breath, oversleeping, interrupting him, not rubbing his feet when he asks...whatever it is, commit that list of infractions to your memory. Make a vow that very minute to NEVER do any of the things in his LB list again. The purpose is that you don't want him to have ANY negative thoughts about you. 

It's like a bucket. Any LB you do that makes him think negative thoughts about you poke holes in that bucket. Now, if you did 20 wonderful things you know he loves in a day, but you do ONE LB, you just poked a hole in his Love Bucket, and all those great things you did just drained out of that hole, so that when he thinks of you, he won't remember the 20 great things - just the 1 bad one. 

See how that works? Do this consistently for at least a month, if you have that much time. You need to create new habits, and you know that habits take a long time to change.

Once you have that down, and he gets to the point where he can't come up with any things you do bad (that's your breakeven point, zero balance), THEN you print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask him to fill it out. It will tell you what things in life are important to him, make him smile, make him want to be around the person who MEETS those ENs. 

YOU want to be the one person who meets all those ENs. Remember, it does no good to meet them if you're still LBing him. Take his top 5 ENs, and make a concerted effort to meet them in each and every way you can. You want him to smile when he thinks of you, because every time you're around him, you'll be meeting at least one of those ENs. It could be conversation, admiration, bedroom time, recreation...whatever it is, you want to be the one he goes to for it.

If you take these steps - and unless he's having an affair (which negates and trumps it all) - you should be able to win him back.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks, I'll give it a try.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

so yesterday was my 35th birthday, went to a bar where they were having a few bands, one was a friend of ours, i was all set to flirt it up and have a good time, prove to myself that mama's still got it, but he wouldn't keep his hands off me all night. i should be thrilled, but instead i feel like a toy, a play thing for him. i have been trying to figure out how to win him back, but i think i have finally reached my breaking point. why should i be trying to win him back when he should be on his knees begging me for forgiveness. that sounds a tad self righteous, but i have reasons for saying it. i have never been one to toot my own horn or go on about how great i am, but i have done everything possible for that man. he chose not to talk to me or listen to me about our problems, he chose to shut himself off, he chose to sleep with another woman, why should i let him get to choose if he stays or goes? i dug down deep and think i found my pride and self respect, finally. he doesn't know it yet cuz he's on a field trip with our son, but he has until tomorrow night to get out. i know that i deserve better and that no matter how much history we have, how things used to be, that's over, he ruined that. my kids are going to be devastated, but i really believe that by waiting him out i'm just delaying the inevitable, and the kids are going to get hurt regardless of if it's now or 2 weeks from now. probably gonna need everyone's support, this is going to be the hardest thing i've ever done, but i owe it to myself and my kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> why should i be trying to win him back when he should be on his knees begging me for forgiveness.


EXACTLY!!!

Print that out and put copies everywhere, to remind yourself to keep your dignity.

You should be MAD!

Before you tell him, I would go to the bank and let them know not to let him withdraw money without your permission. Many people will do this, to control you or punish you.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Sound advice, but he won't do that. He would be taking money from his kids, and he at least still loves them. He already said that he would continue to have his check deposited in our account and pay the bills. He won't be able to afford an apt. or anything, but I don't care. We have a camper, he can park it at a friends house or he can go stay with his little skank. I'm done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They all say that at first, because they think they'll talk you out of separating. When they find out you're serious, well, be prepared for a side of him you never knew existed. I'm just asking you to protect yourself. It can't hurt to talk to the bank and let them know what's going on.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

separating was his idea initially, so he won't be trying to talk me out of anything, i'm sure. he's made it more than clear that he has no feelings for me anymore and doesn't want to be with me, or be with JUST me, but i will take precautions, thanks. i just hope my resolve doesn't crumble the minute he walks in the door. when i look at him all i see is the man i used to love, the man who used to be my best friend. it's hard to see who he is now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, you came around fast! Yes, you do deserve better--and may well be happier alone until you find it!

Two things: you will lose some control over your kids' lives--are you prepared for that? And, are you prepared to be alone? I don't think fear is a good reason to stay married, but you want to think through these things before moving on. No one mentioned to me about losing control over my kids like I have, 50% of the time. It's not a bad thing, but it was an adjustment I was not prepared for-the separation, yes; the control, no. But I've adjusted, and b/c my ex and I have done so much to keep the kids at the center, they have experienced very little difficulty with the separation, and their dad is forced to be a bigger part of their life. My work load at home was cut in half and his doubled--what a surprise! ;0


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

i don't know if i have actually "come around", maybe just trying to convince myself, and i'm not prepared for any of what is to come. i never imagined i would be here. looking at old pics and we looked so happy, it breaks my heart. i honestly don't know if i can follow through with this, but i have to at least give it my best shot.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I did it, told him if he didn't want to be here and try, then he should just go. So he's leaving tomorrow night. I feel like I'm going to die from this pain. I can't breathe, and I'm sick at the thought that tomorrow night he's going break his childrens hearts. How are they supposed to understand this? How can a person walk away from someone they say is the best thing that ever happened to them? How can he not want to try?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. Maybe he'll realize what he's giving up.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

God I hope so. I wish they made a pill that fixed heart break.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cantletgo said:


> I don't know where it went wrong exactly, but he claims that he felt unloved and rejected, because I didn't want to have sex all the time.... sex got to be one more thing I had to do for someone else.


The overwhelming majority of men experience love and intimacy through sex. If you reduce it to a chore the man always knows and you slowly kill his spirit. In time they will typically seek what they need elsewhere, or turn things inward and become badly depressed.

It sounds like both of you have communicated badly.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Athlock, I knew it was an issue with us, among a few other things, and I tried so many times to talk to him, but I got accused of trying start a fight, or he'd just shut me out. I tried so hard to fix things but it's almost like he didn't want to. Part of me wonders if he wanted the excuse to what he did. He's been gone 2 days now but it feels like forever. I'm staying strong for my kids, but they see through me. My 5 year old daughter told me last night that she was worried about me. I did my best to reassure her, I haven't been crying or zombified around them. I've tried to explain that is has nothing to do with them.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

So he's been gone 5 days, but has been over here every day to see the kids. He was here last night and we talked. He confessed that he hadn't stopped talking to or seeing the other woman, he went to her the night he moved out. He has absolutely no feelings for me left, at all. Yet he claims that he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to go to counseling. He basically told me that he got bored with me. How about that. He can't handle being a grown up, in an adult relationship. He has a problem controlling his "urges". I am at a total loss. Why should we even continue this charade? My heart will never heal from this. He has just lied and lied and lied to me. It's so easy for him. I don't think it's possible to salvage anything from this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. IMO, the only way he will ever be good enough for you is for him to hit rock bottom - without you - and realize what he lost. It IS possible for such people to turn around. But that will never happen until they hit rock bottom and learn true humility. You never know.

Honestly, this says it all:


cantletgo said:


> He can't handle being a grown up, in an adult relationship.


I know every old person says this, but I really believe that this latest generation - with parents using TVs and computers as babysitters so life is easier - really are missing out on so much that they should have been learning from their parents and other people. How much time was spent talking 100 years ago, even 50 years ago, when there were only 3 channels on TV? Talking, listening, learning, developing morals and learning how to 'do the right thing' and be responsible...serving in the military so you learned the true meaning of higher authority...not to mention mandatory church for many people...

Younger people today are truly just winging it. IMO, it's becoming a crap shoot on whether you end up with a mate who DID learn the important things in life, or whether you get stuck with someone who only knows how to make himself happy. So sad...


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

When he said to you he is not ready to sign divorce papers he meant it so in my opinion I would not be confused about this. 

He wants to be present in the home every day like he is now. 

I understand what you mean about not being able to offord to move out, takes plenty of money to do that too. 

Sex is pretty important I agree! 

Only you would know if he was being deprived in that department but if he is (was) then yes his feelings for you will slowly diminish over time. 

Sounds like there is much more to the story and I would try and get clarification on more of these issues and get inside his head.

then you will have a better grasp on where his heart is and why


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he refuses to stop seeing the other woman, you need to proceed with a legal separation of some sort, to guarantee he will continue to provide for his children. You would be amazed at how many men, as they spend more time away from home, decide they don't really owe you anything and disappear.

Tell him you will NOT consider counseling and you WILL move forward with separation if he does not stop seeing other women. 

Period.

He is cake eating by having two homes to come home to.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Harvard, I have tried very hard to get inside his head, we have talked and talked and talked, but he says he can't explain what he's thinking or feeling, because he doesn't know. I would not say he was "deprived" in the sex department. We were still active at least 2 times a week, and plenty of physical contact outside the bedroom. Hell, we watched porn, made movies, role played, etc. I am far from a cold fish. We have many mutual friends, couples and single people, and they are all as surprised and confused as I am. Even his single guy friends are shaking their heads, because he has a WONDERFUL wife. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. But I won't let him keep indulging his selfish b.s. I am going to lay down the law as far as the other woman, because like you said Tunera, if he wants to keep sleeping around, he can do it as a divorced man. Of course, I can never be sure he isn't seeing or talking to her, especially when he's not here. I don't know what to do about all that. I am going to try to hang on until we see if this counseling thing will work, but as hard as it is for me to let go, I am getting stronger every day, and it won't be long before I have the strength to end it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What to do about it is how you reach an agreement. 

Now that he has destroyed your trust, done a HORRIBLE thing, he has to EARN your trust back. 

YOU can set your requirements for taking him back, and they need to be high, or he will just feel like he can do it again and just be better about getting caught.

If a kid steals candy, and the dad slaps his hand and says shame on you, let's go home, the kid will steal again, and probably steal bigger things. If the dad marches him back to the store owner, makes him apologize and makes him work to pay off the expense of the candy he stole, how likely is he to ever steal again? Not very. Because he had consequences.

Part of your husband's consequences will be that he has to remain transparent for as long as you need him to be. That includes you knowing all his passwords; being able to check his phone any hour of the day if you feel like it; a keylogger kept on his machine that you check occasionally; and maybe even a GPS in his car. And writing a No Contact letter to any women he's seeing, that YOU read and send yourself.

If you tell him you require these things to stay married, and he refuses, then you know he had no intention of stopping his cheating. And you move on.

That's the bare minimum. If he's not willing to do the things I listed, for YOU, then he doesn't care about you, only himself.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

He doesn't care about me, I told him last night that if he didn't want to divorce then he had to break contact completely, he said, exact words from his text, "i will try. i could lie and say yes, but can i honestly say i won't slip n general, no". There was more from me but it was 12:30 at night and he was nodding off. Apparently the fate of our marriage isn't enough to keep him awake. 

I completely agree with you Turnera, and have said as much to myself. I am ready to file the papers, well, my dignity is, my heart not so much. I'm still trying to find some way to save this, but if he's not willing, then I can't do much else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lots of people divorce, and then remarry later when they realize what they gave up. There's always a chance. 

But standing up for yourself, IMO, is the ONLY wakeup call you can give him that's worth a darn.

So sorry.

{{{cantletgo}}}


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks Turnera. But if we actually divorced it would take an act of Congress to get me to take him back. He would have to literally crawl on his hands and knees begging before I'd even think about it. 

I am a good wife, even with my faults and mistakes, I have been his best friend, confidante, nurse, lover, support system, and biggest cheerleader. I am not a nag, try to give him whatever he wants, and if that's not enough to keep him happy then nothing on earth is.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

It's done, I told him that if he wanted to continue playing single then he could just be single. I took off his wedding ring and told him that as soon as I could, he would be getting some papers. I am dying right now, I can't believe he just walked away. I didn't do anything to deserve this. The pain is so bad, I don't know how I'm going to get through it. 10 years of my life, just poof, gone. He took my heart and soul and threw it away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks Turnera. Me too. Feels like my life is over, I know it's not, but that's the way I feel right now. I'm still not giving up hope that he'll come to his senses, but I'm not going to be his doormat anymore. I just don't understand how you stop loving someone when they didn't do anything wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not making excuses for him, but it's human nature to take for granted what's handed to you, and to want what you have to fight for, what you can't have. Don't be surprised if he isn't suddenly more interested in you, now that you've made yourself unattainable.

If he does do that, and you consider taking him back, make sure he has high hoops to jump through to win you back.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

this story is sad I'm sorry for your pain


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm sorry!! Your story sucks and I can only imagine the pain......but remember YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS (HIM)!

You are a woman and deserve to be treated like a queen many a MAN out there is looking for someone like you I PROMISE!!

Keep your head up, rely on your friends, focus on YOU, and the kids, and a better man, life, and future is ahead of you.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I have said it before, many many times....cheaters are cowards. He convinced himself that you didn't love him, care enough about him, didn't meet his needs, etc.etc. Demonizing you so he could "rationalize" his cheating. It's YOUR fault that he cheated not his. That's what he tells himself. He is a coward and they are all cut from the same cloth. They don't face things head on, they take the easy way out, they lie, they don't want to be confronted about anything and when they are they lash out. 

I am truly truly sorry for your pain. You sound like a lovely lady and deserve a whole hell of alot better.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I am trying to deal with this and move on, but it's so hard. He was such a good husband for sooooo long, and we have so much history, it's hard to let go of that. I still love him and am having such a hard time accepting all this.


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## silk-butterfly (Apr 10, 2010)

Dear I can`t let go.

I can`t believe we are in a near exact position.The only difference being that I have been through the divorce and he has moved out two weeks ago. Similiar to your position he didn`t talk to me and was determined that he didn`t want me but was slow to move out.I still have to see him like now when he brings my daughter home and trys to talk about the business in a detached way.I`m sorry it doesn`t get better atfter the divorce initially either.They have their .....to fall back on and you are left with a big void. Be strong take one day at a time.I have pushed through the darkness and still do. There is no way around it. I wish you the best.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I woke up today and decided that I am going to try my best to just not give a damn, be civil, not say anything about our relationship or his sl*&t, and just make him believe that I'm great. I'm going to start making plans for my kids and I to get a smaller place when our lease is up in October, and just not mention anything to him about it. I also decided that if he wants a divorce he can handle paying for it and doing the work. I won't make it any easier by doing it for him. I have said this same thing to myself before, but I am going to try harder this time. I cave everytime I see him, or when things don't go the way I hoped I get all weepy. I don't want to do that anymore. The hardest part is really going to be getting through our anniversary, it's June 25th. Coming up quickly. But I'll be stronger by then, I hope. I also hope that you will come out the other side of this a stronger, happier woman and I know that we will both find men that will appreciate who we are and what we do for them. Not that I'll ever get married again, this was number 2, but won't rule out relationship.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

So our friends that he was staying with had to abruptly move this weekend due to a layoff. While he was helping them move yesterday, he got the stomach bug that's been going around my house. He spent last night here and is currently in bed. I had this the other day and it was AWFUL!! He picked up the kids from school that day and stayed with them til they went to bed.

However, I have no idea what he plans to do as far as living arrangements. He brought one of his bags in with him and I saw that he had a picture of me in it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, but I can't help but feel a little warm inside because of it.

I am maintaining my resolve to just go with the flow but I can't stop hoping that he'll just stay here and start therapy and work on this. 

Have any of the guys who left their wives taken a picture of her with them when they left? And it's not me and the kids, just me.

Am I too nice for letting him stay here? I wouldn't have if he hadn't been sick, because he does have other places to stay for a night or 2. This really really sucks.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Don't fixate on the picture is my advice!! As a emotional man I love all parts of my life and if it wasn't for my wife I would a pic of 1 ex obviously I don't.

You are his wife and the mother of his children it's not like he's just going to forget that overnight. He may be making alot of selfish choices, may pursue a divorce, but you can't make that many years and your ties to him just disappear.

Good luck though reconciliation is better than divorce in many situations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want to save your marriage, it is best to live under one roof, so that you can meet his Emotional Needs and no one else can.

Sit down and decide what your PLAN is.

Above all, what do YOU need in life? And how does he fit into it?


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

If there is no appreciation and trust left between you guys,but you still want to fix your marriage,you need to have a deep talk with your husband.Well i understand how you feel,anyway thanks for sharing.


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