# In laws



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

I am wrong in not wanting the wifes family to come on hoilday with us.

We are a family of 5 and have only had 1 holiday in 12 years of marriage as a family of 5.
Now we were thinking about booking an holiday next year and he family wants to tag along. I have told her when we looking that i want it to be us 5 only. But now she has said that her family can come too.

Her family always gets involved in everything we do ao a bit of time to ourselves would be nice.

Am i wronf for thinking this? And does anyone else have this problem with their in laws?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does this holiday involve travel?

Since you are in a wheelchair and your wife is your carer, maybe the thought of wrangling 3 kids and you is a bit much of an undertaking for her. How independent are you?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sounds like you are about 12 years behind the 8 ball.
It looks like you have forfeited all control to your wife and her family, and you are merely along for the ride.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for family. There are certainly times that extended families should get together. I can see grandparents coming to kids sporting events. I can understand trips for specific,special, events. such as 50th wedding anniversaries. Family reunions are certainly appropriate events.
However, there are times that a couple and their children should be able to get together for events by themselves to create their own story. Were you even consulted about this becoming an extended event? Would your input have even mattered?
I'd say you not only have a vacation problem, you have a spousal problem with boundaries, and agency in your own relationship. You certainly need to get a handle on this post haste. Whether you go to total slapdown (cancelling trip) or compromise (going with this trip, setting boundaries, guaranteed events with you/wife/kids) is up to you.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Does this holiday involve travel?
> 
> Since you are in a wheelchair and your wife is your carer, maybe the thought of wrangling 3 kids and you is a bit much of an undertaking for her. How independent are you?


She doesnt more for everyone else than she does for me. My kids are independent too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can't think of anything worse than going on holiday with my inlaws.

Hell, I can't think of anything worse than spending 5 minutes with my inlaws. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The only thing you can do, is tell your wife that no, her parents can't come, this holiday is for your immediate family only. You, her and the kids.

As for telling her parents no, that's her job - she never should have asked them without discussing it with you first.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Sounds like you are about 12 years behind the 8 ball.
> It looks like you have forfeited all control to your wife and her family, and you are merely along for the ride.
> Don't get me wrong, I'm all for family. There are certainly times that extended families should get together. I can see grandparents coming to kids sporting events. I can understand trips for specific,special, events. such as 50th wedding anniversaries. Family reunions are certainly appropriate events.
> However, there are times that a couple and their children should be able to get together for events by themselves to create their own story. Were you even consulted about this becoming an extended event? Would your input have even mattered?
> I'd say you not only have a vacation problem, you have a spousal problem with boundaries, and agency in your own relationship. You certainly need to get a handle on this post haste. Whether you go to total slapdown (cancelling trip) or compromise (going with this trip, setting boundaries, guaranteed events with you/wife/kids) is up to you.


It was originallly just us 5. But because it was cancelled and now we have to rebook. Her family are tagging along. I have said many times that i wanted it to be just us 5 as we have only had 1 holiday in 13 years marriage where it was just the 5 of us.

Seems my opinion no longer matters anymore.


frusdil said:


> The only thing you can do, is tell your wife that no, her parents can't come, this holiday is for your immediate family only. You, her and the kids.
> 
> As for telling her parents no, that's her job - she never should have asked them without discussing it with you first.


I have told her that i wanted it to be just us 5 as we only had 1 holiday with just us 5 in 13 years of marriage as her family always comes. 

But i just got ignored. Like my opinion doesnt count


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have the option of not going.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Jamesjones10123 said:



Her family always gets involved in everything we do ao a bit of time to ourselves would be nice.

Click to expand...

*I'm guessing this would be because you lack the testicular fortitude to stand up to your wife. 



> *But i just got ignored. Like my opinion doesnt count *


It doesn't count! She doesn't respect you and hasn't for YEARS - because you won't stand up for yourself.

Sorry, I'm just being honest. Women generally don't RESPECT men they can push around and who are too afraid to stand up for themselves.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I did this once, and it was my family that tagged along, not hers. My wife fought it, I didn't push it with my family, and it blew the only vacation we had taken for years when we couldn't afford it, and then my wife didn't speak to my mom for > 6 months.

So don't do that.

"Wife, your family isn't coming. Period. That's just the way it is and it doesn't mean I don't like your family."


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## Lifeainteasy (May 8, 2020)

I think a healthy comprise would be the best. If her family insists on coming first off tell her that they have to pay for their trip so the financial burden isn't on you. Then make sure they get a separate hotel room and plan family only events for you and your family of 5. Have times when all of y'all can do stuff as well. Then throw in a night for just you and your wife. Agree beforehand on what days/nights are just for you 5 and WRITE IT DOWN so there is no misunderstanding.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Parents obviously have no right to tag along on their child’s vacation. In your case, from past history, it’s now expected that they will. I very seriously doubt you’ll get anywhere with your wife on this unless you plan to make it a me or them thing.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Thanks all for your replies.
It looks like im not winning this one. Theyre all adamant theyre coming


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Well, put them to good use. Plan the night out with your wife, and let them babysit your kids while on vacation. Make that happen. Talk to the family ahead of time that you want to do that, and that you want to have a nice, romantic surprise for your wife. they can not refuse romantic surprise, same with your wife.....
You have to start somewhere. ..


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You need to have more of a voice and control in this relationship. That doesn’t mean you stomp your feet and act like a toddler and refuse to go on vacation. It means being this bigger person THIS time. 
But do jot start talking to her about vacation right before you plan one, talk to her right now about the next one. Yes honey, it can be the whole family THIS time, but next time it WILL be just us.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Thanks all for your replies.
> It looks like im not winning this one. Theyre all adamant theyre coming


And what will be different about next time?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Thanks all for your replies.
> It looks like im not winning this one. Theyre all adamant theyre coming


When you say "they're" all adamant, do you mean your immediate family or the inlaws?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Thanks all for your replies.
> It looks like im not winning this one. Theyre all adamant theyre coming


You are going to keep losing until you position yourself to start winning.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

frusdil said:


> When you say "they're" all adamant, do you mean your immediate family or the inlaws?


The in laws


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No reason to change what works for them so they’re not going to just step back after this. What is your plan going forward?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> The in laws


They don't actually get a say unless they are paying for your family. I'd tell my wife. Look we spend lots of time with your family we had agreed it was just going to be us. Since they are going we aren't Cancel any reservations.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would tell your wife to cancel you from the trip. She can take the kids and have a great time with her family but you won't be going as it's not the trip you wanted for your family so now you have no interest in going. Then tell her you are booking a new trip with the kids and she can come but her family can't. End.of.story.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> The in laws


Wow, so they know you don't want them to come, but they are coming anyway? Geez they must have rhino hides, no way would I go somewhere I knew I wasn't wanted.

In this situation, I'd tell my husband to cancel the kids and I for the trip and that he is now going alone with his parents. Then I'd book something amazing for the kids and I during the same time lol. Actually, I'd probably cancel the kids and I myself and then tell my husband, hehehe.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have not answered @Blondilocks question about you being in a wheelchair and your wife being your carer, is that the case? If so how will your wife manage alone, is this the issue? Does your wife like to do active things on holiday in which you cannot participate, such as visiting lots of historical sites, trekking, etc. I am trying to put this scenario in context and see it from her perspective. I get that you want alone time with your own wife and kids but that can be arranged within the holiday itself?

On the other hand, I would not like to have my in-laws on my family holidays. If my in-laws want to go, then they go with my H and kids, I just do not join, that has always been the way because I don't enjoy what they enjoy. This has only happened 2-3 times in my marriage of over 25 years and I have had no issues because it give me time for myself back home.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I would tell your wife to cancel you from the trip. She can take the kids and have a great time with her family but you won't be going as it's not the trip you wanted for your family so now you have no interest in going. Then tell her you are booking a new trip with the kids and she can come but her family can't. End.of.story.


This only works if you have the money for two vacations. I assumed maybe wrongly that they hadn't been in years due to money?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

aine said:


> You have not answered @Blondilocks question about you being in a wheelchair and your wife being your carer, is that the case? If so how will your wife manage alone, is this the issue? Does your wife like to do active things on holiday in which you cannot participate, such as visiting lots of historical sites, trekking, etc. I am trying to put this scenario in context and see it from her perspective. I get that you want alone time with your own wife and kids but that can be arranged within the holiday itself?
> 
> On the other hand, I would not like to have my in-laws on my family holidays. If my in-laws want to go, then they go with my H and kids, I just do not join, that has always been the way because I don't enjoy what they enjoy. This has only happened 2-3 times in my marriage of over 25 years and I have had no issues because it give me time for myself back home.


I dont mind sight seeing and things like that aslong as its accessible and i can get around obvs.

Wife likes to visit theme parks with the kids as i cant go on the rides. i spend most of my time sat waiting for them while they on rides.
Im always the main driver of the holiday.wife never drives not even in our home country. Not unless one of her family want to go somewhere then she will drive no matter where it is. But if i ask i always get told no point blank.


I have said i would rather stay home. But that caused another big argument and then she turned the kids against me saying " oh daddy doesnt want to spend time with us"
And they got upset and begged me to go with them.

I dont know what to do anymore. I've had enough.


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## hawkeye11 (Apr 13, 2020)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> I am wrong in not wanting the wifes family to come on hoilday with us.
> 
> We are a family of 5 and have only had 1 holiday in 12 years of marriage as a family of 5.
> Now we were thinking about booking an holiday next year and he family wants to tag along. I have told her when we looking that i want it to be us 5 only. But now she has said that her family can come too.
> ...


I have had the same problems with my wife and her family (my in-laws). See the post I placed about a month ago titled "The In-Laws and Enmeshment." You, like myself, let this go on for too long. In my opinion, your wife is letting you know where you sit on the totem pole. My suggestion is to try this...

When the subject is broached again about the holiday vacation, tell her "Have a great time with the kids and your parents. I'm going to stay home." Or tell her that you will go on a vacation by yourself. See how she reacts.
If finally taking a stand creates an incredible amount of friction and division, with both her and your in-laws, then there is your hint. I'm sorry to say this but it's time to consult a divorce lawyer and find out your options. Your wife is has the same syndrome as mine: umbilical enmeshment. I learned my lesson too late (though a come-to-Jesus moment will be happening in our near future, once my children get a little older). Don't let your life waste away like I did. Don't become the modern emasculated male.


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