# Aggressive sister in law behavior



## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

My husband and I are separated but things may be looking up. My sister in law isn't technically an in-law, as she is just the GF of my husband's brother, but they're very serious so I'm calling her a sister in law. She's an ex-cheerleader, really peppy, energetic, and positive - on the surface. But for whatever reason I get the impression she's easily threatened, and gives quite a few signs that she's threatened by me specifically. Or maybe she simply doesn't like me, not sure... either way, she hasn't given me a fair shake and is extremely passive aggressive. I'd actually go further to say she's covert-aggressive. As long as she has the guys in the family fooled, she seems content to get away with acting like this. My husband & brother in law's mother seems to be wise to this girl, but anyway... they were all at our house a few months ago for a party we hosted and I was really accommodating to everyone, especially her, of course to no avail... later in the night a song was played that offended her sensibilities. She seems very easy to offend. She and the brother in law disappeared for a little bit and we finally realized they were fighting in our front yard; she had gotten so incensed by this song that she lost her temper. She eventually marched up to me asking me the meaning of the lyrics and I calmly told her, and she turned on her heel and left. Due to her meltdown, the brother in law sat there and jumped on me for playing a song, on my own patio, after the party we hosted! I told him straight up that she has big aggression problems, and things sort of settled down afterward (in her absence). Let me mention they are both typically very mature people and both hold respectable careers; so this behavior, in my opinion, really showed the person she keeps locked inside. Fast forward to now - I have not only never received an apology despite continuing to be nice to her - she recently unfriended me on Facebook for no reason whatsoever. I haven't even seen her since she acted like an idiot at my house that night. 

Like I said, I get the feeling that in all her "confidence" she still manages to feel threatened; and after seeing that my husband and I are separated, she took the opportunity to defriend - not just on Facebook - it seems to be a clear signal that it's just in general. So my question is, if my husband and I work things out, we will invariably have to be in the company of his brother and this sister in law again. I'm at the point where being the bigger person and simply being nice is getting a little old. Advice?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If she's defriending, then maybe it will be easier to deal with her since she'll stay away from you, or will be more overt with her aggression. If that's the case, you won't have to be as polite as you've been. 

However, in these situations, I always think it's better to take the high road, or appear to. You don't need to go out of your way to try to be friendly, but don't stoop to her level by being overtly aggressive, either. It's a fine line. 

You can try to perfect the art of making her look silly, while appearing to accommodate her.

"Oh, you're upset by the song lyrics on this random song that just played from the ipod? Oh, I'm so terribly sorry you're so upset! It didn't ever even occur to me that anyone would be upset by such a thing! I had no idea! Here, let me switch to another song immediately so you can feel more comfortable _dear_. Can I get you a drink to soothe your frazzled nerves?"

You must tell us- what song was it that got her so upset??


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

Haha, well, I admit the song was something a little taboo by an Eastern European folk group addressing some of the more consumeristic aspects of living in America... funny thing is, I consider myself just as big a patriot as the sister in law considers herself to be - and it goes along with acknowledging stuff like what's mentioned in that song. And... it's a song, not an invitation to air your grievances with someone who has only ever been WAY too nice to you to begin with.

Also - the pet names are her game. I've been called "sweetie," "honey," and "love" more times than I can count. I don't give her an ounce of satisfaction that it may bother me. In fact it doesn't bother me, it just makes me feel like she's a ***** and I'm glad I'm not the one with the problem. What does bother me, admittedly, is the fact that the father and two brothers seem to buy it hook, line and sinker.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leaving because a song was played? That's just plain ridiculous behavior. Just ignore her.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

I think she is ridiculous. The thing is, I'm not sure how to proceed in this potential future situation where I'm around her and nobody knows why I'm suddenly cold toward her. I think she's a crap person and successfully manipulating my brother in law but may be the only one who sees it that way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't have to be cold to her. Just ignore her. It'll drive her crazy, and she'll be spurred to do something over the top, and then they'll see her for what she is.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

You are probably right about that. She relishes being outgoing but from time to time I see that trait just making her look like an @ss. Well, this should be interesting, if it comes to pass.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

At said party, she randomly decided she had to do a bunch of backflips in our front yard despite no one having mentioned anything about it. It's just kind of been this constant "polite" one-upmanship without instigation. Sigh.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I had a friend who was like that...if anyone mentioned having done something, SHE had already done it. And better. 

My DD23 has a friend like this. It's so predictable that we now predict she'll do something before she even does it. DD played piano at one of her parties once and, because the people paid attention to DD instead of this friend, for just a few minutes, friend went home and taught herself two songs by memory so she could play (better) at DD's next party. Stuff like that.


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## Ginevra (Nov 11, 2013)

Ha. Once I posted on Facebook a link to an UpWorthy video on gratitude (the importance of having it) and a few days later she had posted the same, but with a "disclaimer" about how SHE has NEVER had a problem with gratitude. Anyway, I still have reservations about how to handle the fact that each of the male family members is clueless..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not your job to inform them.


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