# My New (alcoholic) husband crossed the line and violently attacked me



## Hopeing

This is my 1st post on this site. Here is my background. I was with my ex-h for 8 years. During that time he was arrested 6 different times spending nearly 2 yrs total in jail for stealing to support his meth habit. I finally gave up on him after his last arrest last January (2012). I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone my whole life. I still think about him a year after being separated. He treated me with love and respect but he had a very serious addiction and at our age I just couldn't see him turning his life around. I was tired of being left alone while he languished in jail for months on end. 

Shortly after is last arrest, my 32 yr old son contacted me, wanting to know his father's identity. He was born when I was only 15 and his dad was 17. Our parents forbid us to see each other and raised my son as their own. He attempted to see me but his father ran him off. My son's father is my step-brother. Before I get any comments about incest, there is absolutely no blood between us. His father married my mother when I was 8 and he was 10. He used to spend every other weekend with us as a child. Moved in with us for a few months as a 16 year old and we fell in love. But his father was an alcoholic and he beat on him all the time, so he moved out after I got pregnant. (we didn't know I was pregnant til much later).

I used Facebook to contact son's father and let him know he was asking about him. He told me he should have married me 30 years ago....we began a long distance relationship, picking up where we left off all those years ago. He lived 2500 miles away from me. I told him about my husbands string of arrests and current incarceration. He convinced me to divorce him and come be with him. 

I sold everything, gave my ex's belongings to his friend for safekeeping, sent him a dear john letter in jail, and obtained a quickie divorce. I put my little dog and myself on a plane and put my hopes and dreams for a fairytale come true new life with my son's father. 

We got married 3 days after I arrived. It was a mutual decision. I am a Christian and did not want to "live in sin" and he had been widowed 16 years before and said he had never stopped loving me. He had been married to the same woman for 13 years, and raised her young daughter on his own after she died. He is very hard working, put himself through school. So I felt like he was "marriage material".

It wasn't long before I realized he is a functioning alcoholic. So here I am, jumping from 1 co-dependant relationship into another.....ugghhhh! In the 7 months we have been married, he has only slept in the bed with me less than 20 times. He sleeps on the couch, I sleep alone in bed. At first I was very upset about this. But he assured me it was no big deal, he works hard (12-14 hour days) and just falls asleep where he is. In other words, I shouldn't read anything into this, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me. I eventually just learned to live with it. 

He drinks bud light almost every day, 8-12 of them on work days, more on weekends. Occasionally he would flip out on me and scream at me when drunk for stupid stuff. Example: while driving down the road after a wonderful day together he exploded at me for changing the radio station. To the point of saying he was "done" (with us). But he would apologize the next day. 

He has also isolated me from my family. I wanted to go to my mother's for her 71st birthday (the second time for me to see her in 15 years). He blew that off, as well as Christmas, saying he always spends the holidays with his sisters ever since their mother died in 1994. He has forbid me to discuss our private life with my mother.

Two nights ago, we left a bar where we had spent the day at a friend's memorial service. I had consumed 2 shots and 2 draft beers over the course of 9 hours. I can't really stomach alcohol, nor do I do drugs. I couldn't tell you how much he had, I didn't think it was that much. But when he started driving I could tell he shouldn't be behind the wheel. 

I started telling him to let me drive. He kept insisting he was fine and I started yelling to get through to him as I was getting scared. He had to slam on his brakes to avoid plowing into the car in front of us that was stopped at a red light. 

That got him to pull over. He got out and I slid into the drivers seat. He had taken the keys with him. He just walked away, across the street. I just started praying. He came back, and told me to get out. I refused and demanded the keys. He grabbed the back of my head, bent my head forward toward the steering wheel and slammed into the side and back of my head with his closed fist 4 times with all his strength. I threw a glass at him and was able to shut the door. But he had the key, and let himself back in and grabbed me dragging me out onto my back on the pavement. 

At this time a passing motorist yelled at him and he said something like I was stealing his car. Fortunately, she called the police, and he took off. Moments later 3 squad cars rolled up and checked me out. I told them everything, and they got his description, but couldn't find him. They called a cab for me. Luckily, I had his wallet (he had left it on the bar in his drunkeness) and the police told me to use his ATM card to pay for the cab. (I am not currently working, and not on his bank account but he lets me use his card sometimes, so I have his pin). 

I got home and combed clumps of hair out of my head, took some aspirin and laid on the couch with our 2 dogs. He managed to hide from the police and drive himself the 30 miles to our home. When he walked in the door he said "how did you get here?" Surprised to see me. I replied "do you really care?" And he went in the bedroom and shut the door. 

He stayed home from work the next day, never ate anything all day or came out to speak to me. Stayed home again today, finally coming out of the room at 3 pm long enough to ask if the police were looking for him, say he was sorry, that he had "drank way to much and blacked out". I told him he did not black out because he had the presence of mind to hide from the police. He was very aware of what he had done. He said he didn't even remember leaving the bar. I said so you don't remember beating me in the head and ripping my hair out and dragging me out of the car? He said "well look at me, I don't look so pretty." Somehow his face got cut. Then he went back in the bedroom and hasn't spoken to me since.

So, he is basically adding insult to injury by now imposing the silent treatment on me. He needs to do a lot more than say "i'm sorry" and walk away. He not only took my life in his hands getting behind the wheel in that condition, but he could have broken my neck by his hands (I have had 2 neck surgeries and have several more bulging discs he knows about), AND he left me on the side of the road 30 miles from home where I could have been assaulted/kidnapped/murdered by a passerby. And all he cares about is if the cops are looking for him and what his face looks like? Seriously??!!!

I don't know how to respond to this. I don't feel like I should be the one to try to get him to talk to me and beg for him to stop shutting me out. It is another way of him trying to control and manipulate me. I think I stated earlier in this awful tale that on other occasions he has suggested he drop me off at my mother's (nearly 3 hours away) or that we get a divorce. (always while he is drunk). He made the comment his life was a lot less complicated before I came along. * He* wanted to marry *me*!!! 

I called my mother the night of the attack and left her a voice message saying if anything happened to me, he did it. She called me the next day when she got the message and told me I could come "home". But I know by her actions she doesn't really mean it. Otherwise she would have just come and gotten me. Instead she wants me to talk to him and see how it goes. To not let him get away with the silence and tell him since he "blacked out" exactly what he did to me and make him accountable for it. 

In all fairness to her, she is already supporting a 40 year old son and our 33 year old son. To take me in would be a burden as I have no job, and no vehicle. I can't believe I am in this position at 48 yrs old. What a mess! 

I am working with a state agency that helps people with disabilities get back to work. It's not like I am just a worthless sponge. Like I said, I have had 2 neck surgeries, several bulging discs with nerve damage in my right hand as well as low back bulging discs/sciatica, and hip bursitis. So, while I am totally financially dependent on my h, this is not something I intend to continue. 

I get the feeling my h regrets having married me. Not that there is anything that I do to make him miserable. I don't nag him to change, I cook and clean for him, am there for him the rare times he wants to be intimate. I think he just got so used to living alone. He doesn't hang out with friends, and made the comment he doesn't like people, he prefers animals because they don't cause problems in the world but people are evil. 

So do I just let him stew in his self-imposed silence and wait it out for him to talk about our future? In my eyes, the only way this relationship has a chance is if he gives up alcohol. He told me he gave it up when his wife lay dying in the hospital, because she_* needed him *_to be "there" for her. Well in my opinion, he needs to be "there" for the living. She was on her way to an end of pain and suffering, I am still living in this world where the real monsters are. I need him to be "there" if we are going to be together. And I feel like he needs counseling to overcome his anti-social behavior and lack of intimacy. 

I really don't want another failed marriage. He is a good man, when he is sober. We all have issues and no one is perfect. I am willing to stand by him if he is willing to address his demons and seek help. But I just spent 8 years with the love of my life who did seek help and couldn't beat it, so my hopes aren't high.


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## d4life

The only advice I have would be to leave him. Wait, turn him into the police first, then leave him. Someone who truly loves you would never lay a hand on you to hurt you.


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## EleGirl

Your ex had a meth addiction and you put up with that for years. I suppose you were sure that you could help him recover from his addiction.

Now you are with a man who is an alcoholic, he violently attacked you and could have killed you. And you are thinking now that you can help him give up alcohol.

You are codependent. That means that you put other people's needs and problems ahead of your own.

Right now YOU have a huge need. YOU need to get to someplace safe. Your husband is going to kill you before this is over.

Call a woman's shelter. They will send someone to pick you up. They will provide you with food, shelter and couseling. They will help you find a job and get back on your feet.

Call NOW. Get out of his house tonight.


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## nodirection

I would get out now before you are the reason he's spending life in prison. Just my 2c.


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## 3Xnocharm

"So do I just let him stew in his self-imposed silence and wait it out for him to talk about our future?"

No, you get the hell out NOW.


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## Hope1964

OMG I am so sorry this is happening to you. But you need to get away from this 'man' (and I use the term loosely). Get into a womens shelter NOW. Before he kills you. First, though, call the police and tell them where he is.

Then look into some counseling for yourself. You don't want to hook up with yet another man with issues.


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## Hopeing

Okay, update time. Two nights after the incident, he apologized again, said he has been doing a lot of soul searching and is never drinking again...ever. He said he is so ashamed and sorry. He got up to go to work the third day (stayed in bed 2 days, home from work which he never does) apologized again the way out the door. He came back 2 hours later, said they sent him home. His face is a mess (I either hit him with the glass I threw or he fell) and he told his boss he was in an accident. He walked in the door and said he could lose his job over this. Said he was just going to lay down. I think he is really scared and in shock over his actions.

He did finally eat something, but stayed shut in the bedroom. I am sure I could have talked to him at this point, but I chose to just leave him alone. I want him to come to me. 

I know everyone has unanimously advised me to leave, but if he is serious about staying sober I will stay. At the first sign of rage or violence though, I am getting out. Believe me, I will not allow anyone to mistreat me. I am giving him this one chance, because he was under the influence of (in my opinion) an evil substance. Now had he attacked me while sober, there is no question whatsoever, I would be gone...no second chance.

He has been having stomach problems for a month now. I told him this morning before he left for work to go to the doctor, I think he may have an ulcer or perhaps some problem related to the alcohol. I really feel he is taking this as a huge wake up call and hopefully he does.


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## Hope1964

By staying you ARE allowing him to mistreat you, though!

You have it backwards - first you leave, THEN he gets sober, and only THEN do you consider going back.

PLEASE don't give him another chance to hurt you!!!    

You're making excuses for him again.

Crap, I hope this doesn't end badly


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## naga75

Hope1964 said:


> By staying you ARE allowing him to mistreat you, though!
> 
> You have it backwards - first you leave, THEN he gets sober, and only THEN do you consider going back.
> 
> PLEASE don't give him another chance to hurt you!!!
> 
> You're making excuses for him again.
> 
> Crap, I hope this doesn't end badly


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

you have it backwards.
let him get sober. lots of alcoholics swear to "never drink again"...until something comes up to give them a reason to drink.
its a lot harder than just saying it.


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