# Need Advice on Wife’s Actions



## HelpMarriedMan

*Edit - I edited the context story out in case they are also on this site or thinking about browsing on it. I don’t want them to know the plan moving forward for me to catch them. Time will tell.I have received different input from everyone. I have been keeping up with this thread just taking it all in. Some of its hard to digest as you would expect. I truly appreciate everyone’s response and help.

I’m going to figure out more of what’s going on. the more I have read, I wish I would of done things different without the confrontation up front and let it play out instead of doing it in the heat of the moment.

As much as everyone says that it has involved sex, Surprisingly from the texts I have seen with my own eyes between them it has not gotten to that far based on conversation responses and these were texts from the day I found out, so nothing could of happened after this.

I’m not fully giving up and letting it go tho as this could rekindle between them. I’m takin the steps to be prepared. I want to catch more than what I have found out. So I have a VAR on the way to put in the vehicle. I’m trying to play the role of not pushing on it to see if it gets reconnected. If it’s made it as far as we all think, then I feel if I push on it much they will take a short break until they think I’m off the trail. So I’m going to put the VAR in the car and see if I can catch them. Of course there is ways around a VAR in her car, tracking her phone, camera hidden in the house etc.

I’ll be going out of town soon for work , so this is going to play out where they feel as this connnection can happen again without the phone calls and texts that they know I can see. Someone will slip up.


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## GoldenR

They only kissed? And you know this bc THEY told you that? 

Brother, come on....

They have been having full on sex for a while. Think about it, they only minimally admit to the times you know they were together? So those 3 times, the 3 times that you know of, THOSE are the only times they met up? 

I know you don't want it to be true, but it is. She is in a full blown sexual affair with him. 

Buy a VAR. Put it under her her seat in the car. You'll see I'm right in no time at all. 

And then tell her that in order for you to move on from this that you need to run text recovery software on her phone and she has to find a new school to work at. If she resists, DON'T ARGUE. Simply report them both to the school district and then file. Once she is served tell her she has until it's final to convince you that she is reconciliation material.


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## Rob_1

Dude, please, what are you like 14-16 where all you mostly do is peck and feel? She's been doing more, a whole lot more sexualy with her school principal. And you, what to say, you've been acting like a peckered submissive, nonchalantly just complaining instead of being straight, assertive, and boundaries setting that if broken, you give consequences. So far you've been acting like a beta male, while the principal is the alpha that's making her juice, while all you're doing is *****ing.

Why upon discovery you immediately didn't' contact his wife and exposed what's going on? why didn't you immediately bring this up to the school board? why didn't you immediately kick her out your bed? Why are you sitting there wondering what to do? Dude you're acting weak and pathetic. Time to bring the guns out. Time to show if you have self respect and dignity. Time to act like a man.
Burn them both at school. If you don't do much, then you'll be proving why she is into the alpha man, and why she has such little respect for you.


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## Beach123

She’s had sex with him.
She plans to marry him? Then divorce her now! Kick her out and make sure you expose the affair to everyone they know!


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## jsmart

Why have you let go for so long. We get so many threads that BHs know in their gut that some is wrong but go back to sleep when their WW feeds them a clearly BS story. You know darn well they didn’t just kiss? They have been having a sexual affair for months. Teachers, along with nurses and cops are some of the careers with very high infidelity rates. 

I strongly advise that you file for divorce and her served at work. You can stop the process if she turns around and fights like hell for you but as it is, she is in deep wuv. For maximum effect, you MUST expose that POS to his wife and also expose your wife to her family. This should all be done without a warning and simultaneously in a shock and awe campaign style. If you want to save the marriage, you must be willing to blow it up because right now that is what she has done.

Do not under any circumstances offerher a chance. She must fight for it. If you offer up forgiveness just like that, she will be further repulsed. That’s right, repulsed. Right now in her heart and mind, she is his girl.


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## Rob_1

And before I forget: please, don't say that is because you love her, because, you know what? You loving her has got nothing to do with your situation. She's cheating on you with the principal dude. You can love her all you want but, please understand that she already crossed a boundaries from which you shouldn't accept in the name of love.


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## Al_Bundy

Definitely stop asking her what's going on. Get yourself tested for STDs. It's over. Don't let her beg her way back, don't have unprotected make-up sex with her and knock her up, just GTFO.

Start working on yourself and when you finally dump this one please don't wife up the next one right away. Take some time.


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## jsmart

Also wanted to 2nd what @Rob_1 said about blowing them up at work. Don’t fearfully flake because hurting her career or wanting to take the high road or be concerned about supposedly having to pay alimony. Report them to the school board/ HR.


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## Livvie

It worries me that you have to ask what to do.

She is planning a wedding w another man. 

Get divorced ASAP.

Adding, it's all extremely unprofessional and I wonder what the school board would do if they found out.


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## Marc878

Sorry you’re here but the one thing you need to get fast is cheaters lie a lot. It’s a sexual affair.
*You can’t believe anything she says. Inform his wife immediately without informing yours. 
Don’t skip this important step!!!*
His wife cheated on him? Maybe, maybe not but right now she’ll do anything to protect him and keep their affair a secret.
You only know the tip of this iceberg.
Don’t fall for any blame shifting either. This is all on her.
You’re young. I’d let her go. Infidelity is a lifelong gift she’s given you.
Better do some hard thinking. Just because you’ve found out front mean they’ll stop either.


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## Megaforce

This is nuts. How is she going to marry him without divorcing you? You are wondering what to do when you saw this plan plus a meet up in a cabin?
Clearly, you know your wife is cheating. Get out now before you have kids. You are young. Run.


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## HelpMarriedMan

just to clarify, his wife does know that he did this to her. Also, the cabin this was a discussion that’s what would happen after this so called wedding. I read this part my myself. Do I believe the wedding was actually going to work out, I highly doubt it in my situation. It seemed to be more of the moment thing but still was discussed if it was a joke or not.


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## HelpMarriedMan

GoldenR said:


> They only kissed? And you know this bc THEY told you that?
> 
> Brother, come on....
> 
> They have been having full on sex for a while. Think about it, they only minimally admit to the times you know they were together? So those 3 times, the 3 times that you know of, THOSE are the only times they met up?
> 
> I know you don't want it to be true, but it is. She is in a full blown sexual affair with him.
> 
> Buy a VAR. Put it under her her seat in the car. You'll see I'm right in no time at all.
> 
> And then tell her that in order for you to move on from this that you need to run text recovery software on her phone and she has to find a new school to work at. If she resists, DON'T ARGUE. Simply report them both to the school district and then file. Once she is served tell her she has until it's final to convince you that she is reconciliation material.


What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


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## Marc878

HelpMarriedMan said:


> Sure enough there was 75-100 phone calls within a billing cycle. Some of them being a couple mins long to some being 30 plus mins long. So I brought it up to my wife about what I did and seen as I didn’t feel right sort of snooping around on what she is doing. I told her that they talk way to much and that it needed to be stopped or there would be bigger issues. I was assured the calls were work related. I’m sure some of the calls and conversations were work related but I’m sure some deviated from work but I don’t know for sure. So after I was assured that would stop then that was end of story.
> 
> I never looked again at the phone bills (dumb me). Well time passed, we went on vacations, holidays etc. One random day recently my wife came to me and told me that she wanted to ride around but didn’t give much insight as to why besides she wanted to clear her head. Well thinking nothing of it, I said ok don’t tell me why go ahead. Since this was such a shock and never happened in our relationship, I looked at our sharing locations on the phone and realized she went to mcds when she left. She then started driving all these roads which I knew she didn’t know. I’m the one that usually drives us and these were roads that we typically don’t take in our area. At the end of this ride she goes back to mcds then comes home. A couple days later on a day that everyone was out of school she wanted to go in to work, sure enough it happened to be when they were the only two there. Shocker. Then a couple days after that she wanted to go ride around again. Guess where she went, mcds when she left and before she came home. I questioned her this time on it and she told me that’s where she turns around and she has done it multiple times.
> *They were meeting up for sex. All lies and she probably introduced you because it’s easier to hide when it’s in plain sight so you wouldn’t expect anything.*
> 
> I’m sure you have. Well two days later, I wake up and just feel as something is not right. I check the Apple Watch and sure enough there is texts to this man talking about planning a wedding, I love you babe’s, wearing a tux and can pull it off fast and that it may not make it to their wedding, a week in a cabin together etc. I’m fuming at this point as everything for the last months was coming to real life just like I suspected in the beginning with the phone calls. Come to find out they kissed on the two car rides at the end of each ride (quick touch of the lips kiss) and also the one time they were at the school together in the parking lot before they left (same type of kiss). Other than that, they told me that it hasn’t gone any further than what I read and those pecks on the lips.
> *Cheaters lie. That’s all your getting. Cheaters will only confess to what you know. Nothing more.*
> 
> Oh by the way, this is a married man that just found out his wife cheated on him too this year but they did the whole 9 yards with his friend over a long period of time. I knew it was going to happen when my wife told me that he told her what happened between him and his wife. Because he felt comfortable enough for my wife to be the first person he told about it. They never separated from that and also have kids.
> *Probably a lie to keep you from informing his wife.*
> 
> What do you guys think I should do? Any thoughts, comments, etc? This has really tore my life apart as I never thought it would happen so now I am questioning everything in the past between them and mine and his friendship. I’m also not sure to believe what they say or not. They still will work in the same building too.


He’s not your friend and never was. He’s a snake but your wife is the real culprit here. He was taking what she was willingly giving him.
I know you’re in shock but you need to wake up to reality. This scenario happens a lot. It’s not uncommon. The problem is it’s happening to you. Wake up and deal with it effectively or it’s going to be worse.
The one who get through these things best get strong and stay there.
If they work together the affair will continue. Affairs are addictive.


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## 346745

maybe she's not planning to divorce you. Maybe she and the principal are planning to kill you. It's happened before. Get you out of the way, he splits with the wife, principal and teacher get married. Hire a detective to trail her, get the goods on her. Take money out of your joint account and make a nice nest egg for yourself. Call an attorney asap after the detective hands over the photos. Good luck. Stay safe.


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## manwithnoname

If no kids, this should be very easy decision for you. Yeah, they definitely ****ed, many times.


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## Rob_1

HelpMarriedMan said:


> just to clarify, his wife does know that he did this to her. Also, the cabin this was a discussion that’s what would happen after this so called wedding. I read this part my myself. Do I believe the wedding was actually going to work out, I highly doubt it in my situation. It seemed to be more of the moment thing but still was discussed if it was a joke or not.


You still seem so nonchalant about it, like it was a big joke between them. Dude, come on, are you just trying to justified their actions or what? because if that's what this is, then, we cannot help you. You'll be just like most of today's young men in the western world that have not idea how to be a man. No self respect, and no dignity. It's obvious that you don't have really much experience with women. it's time to start being one. that's if you have the balls for it. Otherwise, your wife now will know that she can cheat on you and you will put up with it. When she gets it in her head that you'll put up with it, what's next? her bring dudes to your bed?
DIVORCE HER. Serve her with divorce papers now.


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## Marc878

HelpMarriedMan said:


> What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


Look online. Fonelab used to be top rated. If you can’t do it. Hire a service to do it for you. Do not inform her. She may reset the phone or lose it. Usually the truth is on deleted text messages in the phone.


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## 346745

manwithnoname said:


> If no kids, this should be very easy decision for you. Yeah, they definitely ****ed, many times.


There is no doubt about it. Those car rides led to some action in a secluded area. He probably had her on top of his desk at school, too.


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## Marc878

It’s not your job to help hide their affair. Consequences are a good thing.


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## Marc878

His wife may know more once you contact her.


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## manwithnoname

Marc878 said:


> His wife may know more once you contact her.


It may likely turn out to be him cheating on his wife in the past.


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## jsmart

HelpMarriedMan said:


> just to clarify, his wife does know that he did this to her. Also, the cabin this was a discussion that’s what would happen after this so called wedding. I read this part my myself. Do I believe the wedding was actually going to work out, I highly doubt it in my situation. It seemed to be more of the moment thing but still was discussed if it was a joke or not.


Many OMs will fill the heads of their affair partner with talk of divorcing his wife to runoff and marry them. Most WWs will then take the sex to stratospheric levels in order try to solidify the OM’s willingness to abandon his family. It rarely works in the end because most WHs are in the affair for the hot sex and ego boost of banging someone new but come D day, they end up throwing the OW under the bus. Now WW tend to be the complete opposite. Once she’s emotionally attached to the new guy, she’s willing to blow up her family for the chance to monkey branch into a new relationship.


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## Marc878

HelpMarriedMan said:


> just to clarify, his wife does know that he did this to her. Also, the cabin this was a discussion that’s what would happen after this so called wedding. I read this part my myself. *Do I believe the wedding was actually going to work out, I highly doubt it in my situation.* It seemed to be more of the moment thing but still was discussed if it was a joke or not.


Cmon man, just because you think it wouldn’t work doesn’t change a thing. Adults meeting up don’t stop with a kiss. 
How do you know his wife knows? Unless you’ve had a discussion with her you can’t believe anything.


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## snowbum

Teacher here. The principal's behavior is highly inappropriate. Texting subordinates and kissing them is a great way to get your ass fired. I'd say your wife is cheating and I'd call her on it. This isn't friendship or a normal work relationship in any form. I'd let the school board know of his actions. Dude needs to go. He gives good administrators a bad name.


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## Bryanpb

If the roles were reversed, would your wife act in such a nonchalant way
how you have been acting? She is showing by her actions that she does not
respect you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## recovering2018

Please don't waste time debating this. You need to act swiftly and firmly regardless of whether you want divorce or reconciliation. Any *****-footing or pick me dancing will only make things worse.

1. If you have actual evidence that the relationship is inappropriate (excessive texting, kissing, phone calls, etc.), and it sounds like you do, go right to the school board with it and get him fired.
2. See a divorce attorney ASAP. Have her served at work. There is plenty of time to roll this back should things change.


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## Evinrude58

I don’t know what mcds is, other than it’s the location she left her phone so you thought she was there while she banged the guy.
You are in fed into passive and naive. They’ve been having lots of sex for a long time. You’ve been cucked.


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## rugswept

The drop points were meetups for sex acts. Guaranteed. I have never seen a "kiss story" ever turn out to actually be a "kiss story". Not once. On any forum. There's never been a final resolution, it was just a peck on the lips. 

The biggest cheat sign of all time that very hard to disguise is change of behavior. Your post is loaded with that. There she is, milling, clearing all that stuff with him out of her brain.

Contact an Attorney. if you have some of that on record somewhere, he won't be working there anymore. You can easily force him out. There are a number of ways that can happen. Your attorney would know exactly what to do.


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## Marc878

Right now you want to believe her because it’s a huge problem not to. If you read through what others have been through in these same situations you’ll find all cheaters follow the same script. Usually an admitted kiss equals sex. A lot of folks on these boards have been through this. 
Im sorry you’re here but the truth hurts.


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## Tested_by_stress

Well the first thing I would do is report them to the school board. Second ,I 'd be talking to a lawyer. If you are anything like me , you'll want to get your hands on him but don't. I'd certainly be threatening legal action against the school if they don't agree to act accordingly.


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## Trustless Marriage

I strongly agree that they are having sex. The story always starts out by saying "we were just holding hands" then after more pushing it goes to "we kissed once" then "we kissed several times" and on and on .... trickle truth dude. No adults are talking about marriage without a whole lot of banging going on. Get her to admit it first. Then report him to the school board or whoever you have to to get him fired. Sorry man - you've been bamboozled.


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## LATERILUS79

Brother, sorry you are here.

The advice coming into you right now is fast and hard. I hope this isn't overwhelming you. You are dealing with a lot of folks here that know what is going on and how its going to happen moving forward. This is new to you and you don't know how this all works. For someone not ready for this, you've done well to this point. Most people new to this would be indecisive and worried about the future. 

I suggest to read all of the good advice here and ignore the comments of "Why haven't you moved on this yet?! Why do you think this?! Why did you do that?!". Hey, you didn't know and that is fine. You are learning now. I can only imagine your head is spinning and it is hard to focus.


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## Beach123

You keep being passive and you’ll keep getting MORE betrayal from her.

She didn’t just kiss him - know that for sure.


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## Diana7

If she denies it went further say that you want her to take a lie detector test. See her reaction. 
Her changing schools wont help. She can still see him or she will just meet another man at some point.


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## Tested_by_stress

Agree with others, this has already become very physical.


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## Kamstel2

Tell the AP’s wife. 
odds are that she may not have cheated.

then go visit the superintendent and tellhim/ her about the principal having an affair with your wife, and tell them that you plan on bringing this up during the “public comments” section of the school board meeting.

Principal won’t be transferred, he will be fired 

stay strong fo what is best for you!!!


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## Trdd

It's good you are digging for more data. What did your wife say, specifically? 

However, you need to take firm action now to stop this from continuing. Get her to give you full access to her phone. Expose him to his wife, which it sounds like has happened but make sure you know that for a fact because you talked to her. Your wife needs to cease all contact except the bare minimum, work related issues. Once you have more data, you can decide to expose him to the superintendent and or school board. He should be fired from his job. Not for revenge per se but because his actions are sexual harrasment. And rhe pos deserves his consequences and does not deserve a leadership role in your community's school system. Or any other one for that matter.


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## jparistotle

HelpMarriedMan said:


> What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


 Contact the school Board and inform his wife.


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## SRCSRC

Time for a polygraph exam for your wife. Also, inform the school board of their inappropriate behavior. Finally, your WW must take a leave of absence NOW until she finds another school to work at. Not one more day working with the POS principal. You should not begin to decide if you want to stay with your WW until you know much more of what went on including whether they had sex.


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## Casual Observer

HelpMarriedMan said:


> What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


That’s not topic for discussion. It’s a choice. With consequences.


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## Tdbo

snowbum said:


> Teacher here. The principal's behavior is highly inappropriate. Texting subordinates and kissing them is a great way to get your ass fired. I'd say your wife is cheating and I'd call her on it. This isn't friendship or a normal work relationship in any form. I'd let the school board know of his actions. Dude needs to go. He gives good administrators a bad name.


Retired High School Principal here.
In 22 years, I can count the number of teachers that I texted on one hand and have five fingers left over.
Snag her phone, run a text recovery on it, screen shot and print out all the communication.
Set up a meeting with the Superintendent of the District, and have a hard copy of all the texts.
Tell him or her that they can handle it or you will.
Find out who the Board members are and work them as well.
Put the heat on until he is so done you can stick a fork in his a**.


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## rugswept

Tdbo said:


> Retired High School Principal here.
> In 22 years, I can count the number of teachers that I texted on one hand and have five fingers left over.
> Snag her phone, run a text recovery on it, screen shot and print out all the communication.
> Set up a meeting with the Superintendent of the District, and have a hard copy of all the texts.
> Tell him or her that they can handle it or you will.
> Find out who the Board members are and work them as well.
> Put the heat on until he is so done you can stick a fork in his a**.


^^^^^ This is the final story. TDBO....


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Tdbo said:


> Retired High School Principal here.
> In 22 years, I can count the number of teachers that I texted on one hand and have five fingers left over.
> Snag her phone, run a text recovery on it, screen shot and print out all the communication.
> Set up a meeting with the Superintendent of the District, and have a hard copy of all the texts.
> Tell him or her that they can handle it or you will.
> Find out who the Board members are and work them as well.
> Put the heat on until he is so done you can stick a fork in his a**.


This gentleman is spot on sir. School boards deal with this all too frequently. My high school football coach and his wife both were teachers. His wife was carrying on with an English teacher who. Both were fired, but only after my coach kicked Mr. English teachers ass.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

HelpMarriedMan said:


> Backstory, we are both in our high 20’s and my wife and I have been together since high school. We dated for 10+ years before getting married. The long time wasn’t due to any other reason than wanting to take care of financial obligations first. We have never had another other true issues or any big arguments that jeopardized our dating or marriage up until this point. Now the part I need help with.
> 
> My wife is a school teacher and within the last couple of years a new male principal was assigned to the school….I’m sure you already see where this is going. Well his method of contacting teachers is through texting more than emailing which doesn’t seem right in a work environment. But to each their own. He recently got us interested in workout out at the same gym as him and me and him developed a friendship from this. But I just felt as their connection was more than a work connection but I never questioned it much. One day a couple months ago I decided to check our phone bill (which I have never done in the whole time we have been together) because I felt something was off. Sure enough there was 75-100 phone calls within a billing cycle. Some of them being a couple mins long to some being 30 plus mins long. So I brought it up to my wife about what I did and seen as I didn’t feel right sort of snooping around on what she is doing. I told her that they talk way to much and that it needed to be stopped or there would be bigger issues. I was assured the calls were work related. I’m sure some of the calls and conversations were work related but I’m sure some deviated from work but I don’t know for sure. So after I was assured that would stop then that was end of story. I never looked again at the phone bills (dumb me). Well time passed, we went on vacations, holidays etc. One random day recently my wife came to me and told me that she wanted to ride around but didn’t give much insight as to why besides she wanted to clear her head. Well thinking nothing of it, I said ok don’t tell me why go ahead. Since this was such a shock and never happened in our relationship, I looked at our sharing locations on the phone and realized she went to mcds when she left. She then started driving all these roads which I knew she didn’t know. I’m the one that usually drives us and these were roads that we typically don’t take in our area. At the end of this ride she goes back to mcds then comes home. A couple days later on a day that everyone was out of school she wanted to go in to work, sure enough it happened to be when they were the only two there. Shocker. Then a couple days after that she wanted to go ride around again. Guess where she went, mcds when she left and before she came home. I questioned her this time on it and she told me that’s where she turns around and she has done it multiple times. I’m sure you have. Well two days later, I wake up and just feel as something is not right. I check the Apple Watch and sure enough there is texts to this man talking about planning a wedding, I love you babe’s, wearing a tux and can pull it off fast and that it may not make it to their wedding, a week in a cabin together etc. I’m fuming at this point as everything for the last months was coming to real life just like I suspected in the beginning with the phone calls. Come to find out they kissed on the two car rides at the end of each ride (quick touch of the lips kiss) and also the one time they were at the school together in the parking lot before they left (same type of kiss). Other than that, they told me that it hasn’t gone any further than what I read and those pecks on the lips.
> 
> Oh by the way, this is a married man that just found out his wife cheated on him too this year but they did the whole 9 yards with his friend over a long period of time. I knew it was going to happen when my wife told me that he told her what happened between him and his wife. Because he felt comfortable enough for my wife to be the first person he told about it. They never separated from that and also have kids.
> 
> What do you guys think I should do? Any thoughts, comments, etc? This has really tore my life apart as I never thought it would happen so now I am questioning everything in the past between them and mine and his friendship. I’m also not sure to believe what they say or not. They still will work in the same building too.


As a former BH, I joined here in the same boat. I knew what was going on like you. I had no clue what to do, but I was provided some top shelf advice. Six years ago several seasoned veterans on here gave me valuable advice. I gathered the information I needed, only then did I confront.

Hell yes it was more than a kiss. You know that.

Do not confront until you get the evidence which is irrefutable. Once you have it you need to bust her ass, kick her out of your home and pack her **** and send it to her parents. You do not leave the house.

C...O...N...S...E...Q...U...E...N...C...E...S!!!

Exposure is a wonderful tool. Expose to his wife, your parents, her parents, and most definitely to the Board of Education.

You cannot nice back a wayward spouse. Take it from me. I went scorched earth on my FWW. I changed my status on Facebook to single, posted my wife had a boy friend and mentioned him by name, took our marital bed, which was a family heirloom, to our farm and built a large bonfire and threw the bed in there and texted her a video of her bed burning.

Now I am going on my sixth year of reconciliation. Point is strength not weakness.

If you need advice.. feel free to PM me.


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## HelpMarriedMan

I watched the location sharing the complete time so I don’t believe they stoped to have sex because the location never stopped moving. Since I have figured this out, she has given me permission to her phone whenever I want (I’ve always had access to this, they just texted while they were working and always got deleted) and I can also get the text history conversations between them and block the guys number from her phone.

I hate to just jump to conclusions and assume the worst, at least in my scenario as I honestly don’t think they justkissed on the lips but I also don’t think they had sex either.

I do know his wife has a full out affair on him as it was no hidden secret from anyone in their situation


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I watched the location sharing the complete time so I don’t believe they stoped to have sex because the location never stopped moving. Since I have figured this out, she has given me permission to her phone whenever I want (I’ve always had access to this, they just texted while they were working and always got deleted) and I can also get the text history conversations between them and block the guys number from her phone.
> 
> I hate to just jump to conclusions and assume the worst, at least in my scenario as I honestly don’t think they justkissed on the lips but I also don’t think they had sex either.
> 
> I do know his wife has a full out affair on him as it was no hidden secret from anyone in their situation


Sir one things all cheaters have in common...THEY LIE! Wake up and get real. She is doing the horizontal mambo with him and more.

Put on your big boy pants and get your head out of the sand. You are going to have to go to war if you wish to save your marriage. She is in the affair fog where everything is the land of unicorns and rainbows. BLOW THIS **** UP NOW!


----------



## HelpMarriedMan

I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


I would have kicked his ass up to his shoulder blades and had a chat with the superintendent.


----------



## manwithnoname

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I watched the location sharing the complete time so I don’t believe they stoped to have sex because the location never stopped moving. Since I have figured this out, she has given me permission to her phone whenever I want (I’ve always had access to this, they just texted while they were working and always got deleted) and I can also get the text history conversations between them and block the guys number from her phone.
> 
> I hate to just jump to conclusions and assume the worst, at least in my scenario as I honestly don’t think they justkissed on the lips but I also don’t think they had sex either.
> 
> I do know his wife has a full out affair on him as it was no hidden secret from anyone in their situation


Keep in mind that a blow job is possible while driving.


----------



## SunCMars

manwithnoname said:


> Keep in mind that a blow job is possible while driving.


Risky behavior.

It will likely make the driver become dikstracted.


_N-_


----------



## Captain Obvious

Contact a lawyer, Polygraph your wife, and report this to the superintendent like yesterday.


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## QuietGuy

So she had an affair that you had to discover. She told you she wanted to go for a drive, but she didn't tell you she wouldn't be alone. They kissed on the lips - just a peck right. This could be a unicorn affair where they have told you the truth, but it is 99% likely they had sex more than once. Tell her to give you a hand written timeline of the affair. Tell her it will have to be confirmed by a polygraph. Tell her that you will not share your wife emotionally or physically with anyone, and that she is free to pursue him or anyone else if she wants a divorce. She broke the trust in marriage. Tell her that if she wants to stay married, she must find a way to restore that trust and that starts with full disclosure right now. She must also break all contact with her AP. As long as they are still communicating, the affair is ongoing. In the short term, insist that all communication between them must be by official email. You said they told you it was only a peck on the lips, so I assume you talked to him is well. How did he justify it? Make sure he knows that if he is not 100% honest right now, you will report him. Once your wife is away from him, report him anyway.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

My good man you do not by any means from what you post have the entire story. If the principal needs some consequences. Knock his **** in the dirt now!


----------



## Al_Bundy

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


Aren't you the badass, did you wag your finger at him and use your big boy voice? You're so alpha.

Dude seriously, you came here for advice and you are defending not only her but the guy that's been dropping loads in your wife. Don't give me the they didn't have time, ever heard of road head? Or while they're at work? He has access to the whole school.

Don't be the guy that comes back here a couple of years from now with the same problem. Why would you want to stay. Do you really thinks she respects you? You're just a paycheck. Look up the term "alpha seed, beta need", granted that's the PG version but it will get you what you need.

At this point, whatever you do, don't knock her up and if you have kids already, get DNA tests. 

Good luck.


----------



## Rus47

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


So just keep on believing the lies. They have both learned to be more careful and that there is nothing to fear from you. Instead of kicking OM's a$$, you buy him a hamburger? Every time she is away from home she will be looking for an opportunity to get plowed by her OM. And he will be taking that opportunity for sure. And she likely isn't the only, or the first teacher he has mounted. If you ask his wife she will tell you the whole story.

You didn't blow anything up. You told them both what you suspected and swallowed their bs stories. When they are together they are laughing together about you. In your 20s and no kids, you are nuts to put up with this from your "wife" for 1 minute.

You have been given advice by people who have lived what you are. They have told you about what to do with both of them. They are paid by the taxpayers to do a job, not boff one another at the school. The school board needs to know they have peyton place at the school. 

But, obviously you are just going to let this slide. It is your life, sad you have so little respect for yourself.


----------



## jonty30

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


One thing to keep in mind is that it is unlikely the first time the principal has done this. However, if you hold him to account by reporting him to the superintendent and school board, it will be likely the first time he's been held to account for wrecking marriages. Statistically, the first time anybody is caught doing something is not the first time they've done something.


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## Talker67

sorry dude, in cheater speak:
"we kissed" = full on multiple sexual episodes


----------



## Marc878

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I watched the location sharing the complete time so I don’t believe they stoped to have sex because the location never stopped moving. Since I have figured this out, she has given me permission to her phone whenever I want (I’ve always had access to this, they just texted while they were working and always got deleted) and I can also get the text history conversations between them and block the guys number from her phone.
> 
> I hate to just jump to conclusions and assume the worst, at least in my scenario as I honestly don’t think they justkissed on the lips but I also don’t think they had sex either.
> 
> I do know his wife has a full out affair on him as it was no hidden secret from anyone in their situation


I bet she doesn’t realize you can do a deleted text recovery. 
Bud, you blocking his number isn’t going to achieve a thing. Being a marriage warden is a thankless task. 
So if his wife knows how does that make your situation any better?
Only you can make yourself a chump.


----------



## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> sorry dude, in cheater speak:
> "we kissed" = full on multiple sexual episodes


Several "engagements", several places. For sure she did stuff for principal she has NEVER done with OP. 

Why do betrayed even ask the wayward these questions? It is rather silly IMO. What do they expect to hear? "Yes, he nailed me in the car at McDs twice a day for months". Surely a late 20's person knows that when two hot-to-trot adults have more than 30 seconds alone it is full on. I bet she has seen the ceiling and bent over every desk in every empty classroom of that school.

And those "country drives" she was likely performing oral during the drive.


----------



## HelpMarriedMan

I get everyone’s opinion and also thought the worst and still do. I thank everyone that has put in their input. I’m not to the bottom of this yet. But I will be sooner or later if they decide to tell me or if I have to figure it out in my own.

I came here for opinions on what I should do not to hear the worst that could of happened as I already assumed like most of you have. But there is also a lot of speculation going on too, because for example she was driving her car. It would be kind of hard to give road head when your the person driving. But I guess always possible if u assume the worst.

No I didn’t buy him a hamburger, Ijust thought it would put them in an awkward situation as possible.


----------



## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> And those "country drives" she was likely performing oral during the drive.


it is very easy to get a hand job in a car. A bj is also possible, but a little harder. And while he is driving, he can also be pleasuring her with his fingers.
there is a certain thrill about giving each other orgasms that way in a quasi public way, where people passing by can see inside of their car and know what is happening


----------



## jonty30

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I get everyone’s opinion and also thought the worst and still do. I thank everyone that has put in their input. I’m not to the bottom of this yet. But I will be sooner or later if they decide to tell me or if I have to figure it out in my own.
> 
> I came here for opinions on what I should do not to hear the worst that could of happened as I already assumed like most of you have. But there is also a lot of speculation going on too, because for example she was driving her car. It would be kind of hard to give road head when your the person driving. But I guess always possible if u assume the worst.
> 
> No I didn’t buy him a hamburger, Ijust thought it would put them in an awkward situation as possible.


She drove the car to the McDonalds and home from the McDonalds.
That is all that is certain there.
You have to understand that we've heard these same types of stories hundreds of times and 95% of the time, the wandering spouse did far more than they are telling you. 
It is only a very small number of cases where what the WS said they did is all they did. 
It's certainly possible that what she said they did is all they did. It's just not very likely.
She will tell you what she thinks can be proven and not tell you what she thinks cannot be proven.


----------



## SunCMars

Tsk, tsk!

No 2x4's were used here.

The TAM boys went right for the 6x6's.

Lighten up, don't chase our poster away.




_KB-_


----------



## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> it is very easy to get a hand job in a car. A bj is also possible, but a little harder. And while he is driving, he can also be pleasuring her with his fingers.
> there is a certain thrill about giving each other orgasms that way in a quasi public way, where people passing by can see inside of their car and know what is happening


Wife and I did all of that exactly when dating. Surely OP knows, no person in their late 20s is ignorant of possibilities.


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## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> Wife and I did all of that exactly when dating. Surely OP knows, no person in their late 20s is ignorant of possibilities.


yep its fun.

and she might have done it wanting to recapture some of that youthful raw sexual feeling again, after years of just being someone's wife.

however, since she is in rapture with the chemical/hormonal "in love state"...if the OP just waits a couple months, that romance fog will wear off, and its likely she will come crawling back seeking reconciliation.


----------



## Rus47

Talker67 said:


> yep its fun.
> 
> and she might have done it wanting to recapture some of that youthful raw sexual feeling again, after years of just being someone's wife.
> 
> however, since she is in rapture with the chemical/hormonal "in love state"...if the OP just waits a couple months, that romance fog will wear off, and its likely she will come crawling back seeking reconciliation.


Not sure why he would want her back under any circumstances. But its his life.


----------



## Talker67

Rus47 said:


> Not sure why he would want her back under any circumstances. But its his life.


THAT is a decision only he can make.
At this point, i am sure he will make it with his eyes wide open


----------



## Hurthusband77

SunCMars said:


> Tsk, tsk!
> 
> No 2x4's were used here.
> 
> The TAM boys went right for the 6x6's.
> 
> Lighten up, don't chase our poster away.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _KB-_


Agreed! This place is a breath of fresh air compared to other infidelity sites but yeah, a little compassion wouldn’t hurt. 

I remember what I was going through on dday and was a total mess. Looking back, I absolutely wished I had been a lot more decisive in my actions, but I definitely needed time to process all the feedback and emotions I was going through.


----------



## manwithnoname

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I get everyone’s opinion and also thought the worst and still do. I thank everyone that has put in their input. I’m not to the bottom of this yet. But I will be sooner or later if they decide to tell me or if I have to figure it out in my own.
> 
> I came here for opinions on what I should do not to hear the worst that could of happened as I already assumed like most of you have. But there is also a lot of speculation going on too, because for example she was driving her car. It would be kind of hard to give road head when your the person driving. But I guess always possible if u assume the worst.
> 
> No I didn’t buy him a hamburger, Ijust thought it would put them in an awkward situation as possible.


Is it not possible she went in his car, or he drove her car?

Do what was suggested already here, including the timeline, text recovery, polygraph etc.

Post #42 to deal with the principal, and there’s lots of good advice on other posts to deal with your WW.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I guess I should of clarified. I blew this up and brought this to both of their attentions the day I found out. I have also talk to this guy over phone and sit him down face to face….at the mcds where they were meeting up. And I made it clear why we would meet there.


You've got a hell of a lot more restraint than I do. In your shoes and him being within arms reach, would have ended badly for him.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

You should talk to an attorney. You will want to find out what a divorce would look like. Ask what alimony would look like--how much would you have to pay her monthly? Find out if your state is a "fault" or "no fault" state. Some states do not look fondly upon adultery and may nullify alimony payments. Keep your evidence in a safe place.

Rather than exposing her, determine if your silence can be leveraged to get a more favorable divorce settlement. She may wish to protect herself and her lover, and might make big concessions to accomplish this.

Consider filing for divorce immediately. It sends a very strong message about the seriousness of her offense. The process can be stopped at any point if she shows adequate contrition.

Do not let her fool you into getting her pregnant.


----------



## HelpMarriedMan

Hurthusband77 said:


> Agreed! This place is a breath of fresh air compared to other infidelity sites but yeah, a little compassion wouldn’t hurt.
> 
> I remember what I was going through on dday and was a total mess. Looking back, I absolutely wished I had been a lot more decisive in my actions, but I definitely needed time to process all the feedback and emotions I was going through.


I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.

I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


OP , you shouldn't downplay the signifigance of "just a kiss". If it hasn't progressed beyond that, it's only because of your timing in catching them. And yes, you did catch them in an affair. You are obviously leaning toward working things out with your wife. At the very minimum, there needs to be zero contact between them for reconciliation to have a chance at success. This includes her no longer being tied to him on a professional level.


----------



## HelpMarriedMan

Tested_by_stress said:


> OP , you shouldn't downplay the signifigance of "just a kiss". If it hasn't progressed beyond that, it's only because of your timing in catching them. And yes, you did catch them in an affair. You are obviously leaning toward working things out with your wife. At the very minimum, there needs to be zero contact between them for reconciliation to have a chance at success. This includes her no longer being tied to him on a professional level.


I’m not downplaying it by any means. It is a big deal to me. It was also a total shock to me with us having no trust issues or anything in the past 10 plus years.
I do agree that it would of progressed further even though they are saying that was it. That’s a complete lie. That was it because that is where I caught it. Other than that, who knows where it would of led. It might of even led farther than that, I just haven’t discovered that yet. But time will tell.
Part of me does not want to forgive because I am the one who has to deal with this the rest of our lives if we decide to stay together. I’m the one that has to deal with the trust issues. I’m not the type that worries about anything so taking this rout weighs heavily of me thinking I can’t do it. The other part of me as in any relationship of so long is to try and work it out if it was just a kiss. But only if that’s it and that’s the thing, I currently do not know yet. But I have never thought about life without her in it. But cheating is cheating and is not taken lightly.


----------



## re16

Considering the confrontation already happened, I think the path forward should be:

1. Tell her to provide a written timeline detailing all points pertinent to their extra curricular relationship, including specific details about any physical contact.
2. Inform her before hand that she will be polygraphed on the details of the timeline, and that any lies = automatic divorce.
3. Sit back and wait for next round of trickle truth.

btw, not taking this to the board opens up the chance of him doing this again. You essentially have a duty to deal with him. If your wife doesn’t like that idea, it is because she is protecting him.


----------



## wmn1

GoldenR said:


> They only kissed? And you know this bc THEY told you that?
> 
> Brother, come on....
> 
> They have been having full on sex for a while. Think about it, they only minimally admit to the times you know they were together? So those 3 times, the 3 times that you know of, THOSE are the only times they met up?
> 
> I know you don't want it to be true, but it is. She is in a full blown sexual affair with him.
> 
> Buy a VAR. Put it under her her seat in the car. You'll see I'm right in no time at all.
> 
> And then tell her that in order for you to move on from this that you need to run text recovery software on her phone and she has to find a new school to work at. If she resists, DON'T ARGUE. Simply report them both to the school district and then file. Once she is served tell her she has until it's final to convince you that she is reconciliation material.


I would agree. They are talking about marriage without having sex ? They are minimalizing it until the rug get's pulled. See an attorney, gather evidence just in case you need it in court (if it's an at-fault state) or just to expose them and you are in your early 20s. Good God, you need better quality than this woman. Go find it. Leave her to the pastures


----------



## wmn1

HelpMarriedMan said:


> Backstory, we are both in our high 20’s and my wife and I have been together since high school. We dated for 10+ years before getting married. The long time wasn’t due to any other reason than wanting to take care of financial obligations first. We have never had another other true issues or any big arguments that jeopardized our dating or marriage up until this point. Now the part I need help with.
> 
> My wife is a school teacher and within the last couple of years a new male principal was assigned to the school….I’m sure you already see where this is going. Well his method of contacting teachers is through texting more than emailing which doesn’t seem right in a work environment. But to each their own. He recently got us interested in workout out at the same gym as him and me and him developed a friendship from this. But I just felt as their connection was more than a work connection but I never questioned it much. One day a couple months ago I decided to check our phone bill (which I have never done in the whole time we have been together) because I felt something was off. Sure enough there was 75-100 phone calls within a billing cycle. Some of them being a couple mins long to some being 30 plus mins long. So I brought it up to my wife about what I did and seen as I didn’t feel right sort of snooping around on what she is doing. I told her that they talk way to much and that it needed to be stopped or there would be bigger issues. I was assured the calls were work related. I’m sure some of the calls and conversations were work related but I’m sure some deviated from work but I don’t know for sure. So after I was assured that would stop then that was end of story. I never looked again at the phone bills (dumb me). Well time passed, we went on vacations, holidays etc. One random day recently my wife came to me and told me that she wanted to ride around but didn’t give much insight as to why besides she wanted to clear her head. Well thinking nothing of it, I said ok don’t tell me why go ahead. Since this was such a shock and never happened in our relationship, I looked at our sharing locations on the phone and realized she went to mcds when she left. She then started driving all these roads which I knew she didn’t know. I’m the one that usually drives us and these were roads that we typically don’t take in our area. At the end of this ride she goes back to mcds then comes home. A couple days later on a day that everyone was out of school she wanted to go in to work, sure enough it happened to be when they were the only two there. Shocker. Then a couple days after that she wanted to go ride around again. Guess where she went, mcds when she left and before she came home. I questioned her this time on it and she told me that’s where she turns around and she has done it multiple times. I’m sure you have. Well two days later, I wake up and just feel as something is not right. I check the Apple Watch and sure enough there is texts to this man talking about planning a wedding, I love you babe’s, wearing a tux and can pull it off fast and that it may not make it to their wedding, a week in a cabin together etc. I’m fuming at this point as everything for the last months was coming to real life just like I suspected in the beginning with the phone calls. Come to find out they kissed on the two car rides at the end of each ride (quick touch of the lips kiss) and also the one time they were at the school together in the parking lot before they left (same type of kiss). Other than that, they told me that it hasn’t gone any further than what I read and those pecks on the lips.
> 
> Oh by the way, this is a married man that just found out his wife cheated on him too this year but they did the whole 9 yards with his friend over a long period of time. I knew it was going to happen when my wife told me that he told her what happened between him and his wife. Because he felt comfortable enough for my wife to be the first person he told about it. They never separated from that and also have kids.
> 
> What do you guys think I should do? Any thoughts, comments, etc? This has really tore my life apart as I never thought it would happen so now I am questioning everything in the past between them and mine and his friendship. I’m also not sure to believe what they say or not. They still will work in the same building too.



but hey, as much as it is a horrible reality, play dumb in the meantime. Conatact an attorney tomorrow. It's only Tuesday and design an exit strategy that works for you


----------



## ABHale

How long were they the only ones at the school?

I am sure it was enough time to do it in his office and her classroom. Then anywhere else that might have been convenient.

They had sex.

File a complaint with the school board. Get his ass fired.


----------



## ABHale

Are you sure this is the only time she has cheated?


----------



## re16

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I’m not downplaying it by any means. It is a big deal to me. It was also a total shock to me with us having no trust issues or anything in the past 10 plus years.
> I do agree that it would of progressed further even though they are saying that was it. That’s a complete lie. That was it because that is where I caught it. Other than that, who knows where it would of led. It might of even led farther than that, I just haven’t discovered that yet. But time will tell.
> Part of me does not want to forgive because I am the one who has to deal with this the rest of our lives if we decide to stay together. I’m the one that has to deal with the trust issues. I’m not the type that worries about anything so taking this rout weighs heavily of me thinking I can’t do it. The other part of me as in any relationship of so long is to try and work it out if it was just a kiss. But only if that’s it and that’s the thing, I currently do not know yet. But I have never thought about life without her in it. But cheating is cheating and is not taken lightly.


So the thing is, it was not ‘just a kiss’ even in the very, very unlikely event that’s all they did.

It was a loss of attraction to you. It was her spending her days pining over him and not you. It was her having her heart beat faster when he was near. It was her imagining having sex with him, probably even when she was having sex with you. It was her feeling excited to leave you and your house to go see and kiss him.

This is way way more than just a kiss and you need to realize this shows what she is capable of. Wait until you have kids and life is way tougher, she’ll be doing the same thing to the first guy that compliments her.

There is a massive red flag waving in your face that this woman is not a safe partner.


----------



## Rob_1

HelpMarriedMan said:


> Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex.


Of course there's always the possibility that they didn't have sex. 

The thing is, if you were to read here and the infidelity forums at other sites about the "we just kissed" you will read tread after tread, after tread that the 'we just kissed " was a full fledged sexual affair, almost every time. It's amazing how those that had the experience just read the explained situation and almost 99.9% we get it right. 

That's why everyone is telling you this. You might be the lucky .1% where it didn't go full sexual affair 

Nonetheless, you are young, and obviously still have a way to go as far as experience. I tell you, me, as a man at your age, with no kids, just the fact thst she was sneaking with the dude would be sufficient enough to end the relationship, not doubts about it. You are at your prime. You can get someone that will never do what your wife did (as far as you know). 

The main problem here is that what she did, she could easily do it again to you once she feels sure enough. And with the experience she just got, she'll be able to do it much, much better, in a way that you might not even be able to detect. 

Think about the future.


----------



## wmn1

HelpMarriedMan said:


> just to clarify, his wife does know that he did this to her. Also, the cabin this was a discussion that’s what would happen after this so called wedding. I read this part my myself. Do I believe the wedding was actually going to work out, I highly doubt it in my situation. It seemed to be more of the moment thing but still was discussed if it was a joke or not.


so have you been in touch with his wife or how did you find out she knows ?

That's the first big question.

Secondly, is this the marriage material you want ?

Let the other BS know and kamke a high exit if you can.

You are young enough to rebuild, unlike many here


----------



## wmn1

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


ok. I hope this doesn't get me in trouble here.

You know what happened. The question is what you are going to do about it.

You aren't committed. Clean break. What are the next steps ? Get the F out. Dump her. Expose her boss so he gets karma.

Than move on to find someone else.

You are in denial. I get it to an extent but you have this board of infidelity experts telling you what happened. Why are you here if you don't believe them ?

But stop the Romeo and Juliet stuff.

I know it's only 10 hours. I see that now so I will back off for a few days but you need to act decisively


----------



## re16

The ability to compartmentalize that behavior and still ‘love’ you means she doesn’t actually love you. As you are probably aware, there is no way you could have done that to her because you love her.

It is time to realize that the woman you thought you loved didn’t actually exist, she was misconstrued in your mind as a trustful and moral person, when she has proven that she is not. She is manipulative, selfish, and deceitful.

Believe her actions, not her words.


----------



## Hurthusband77

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


I do have to say though….my dday (1 of 3) was 6+ years ago and what I’ve learned through experiencing it first hand and being part of these forums for about as long is that what most people get on dday is very, very rarely the truth. I think what a lot of folks here are doing is providing you with solid advise and an honest, unbiased opinion looking in based on what you have told us. We do tend to see things as worst case, but you know why, because “most” of the time, it is.
I can think of one instance where a BH caught on to his WW’s EA and was ruthless in dealing with it. She and her AP hadn’t made it physical yet but only because he caught it when it was a week or so old. She admitted it would have gotten physical had he not confronted, showed strength and such resolve, he snapped her out of her “fog” (can’t stand that term).


----------



## jlg07

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I’m not downplaying it by any means. It is a big deal to me. It was also a total shock to me with us having no trust issues or anything in the past 10 plus years.
> I do agree that it would of progressed further even though they are saying that was it. That’s a complete lie. That was it because that is where I caught it. Other than that, who knows where it would of led. It might of even led farther than that, I just haven’t discovered that yet. But time will tell.
> Part of me does not want to forgive because I am the one who has to deal with this the rest of our lives if we decide to stay together. I’m the one that has to deal with the trust issues. I’m not the type that worries about anything so taking this rout weighs heavily of me thinking I can’t do it. The other part of me as in any relationship of so long is to try and work it out if it was just a kiss. But only if that’s it and that’s the thing, I currently do not know yet. But I have never thought about without her in it. But cheating is cheating and is not taken lightly.


What makes you think they didn't have sex at the school when you would expect them to be there? If she had a break in classes, that's all it would take. Don't assume -- make HER PROVE IT TO YOU. Polygraph and recover her phone...


----------



## jonty30

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I’m not downplaying it by any means. It is a big deal to me. It was also a total shock to me with us having no trust issues or anything in the past 10 plus years.
> I do agree that it would of progressed further even though they are saying that was it. That’s a complete lie. That was it because that is where I caught it. Other than that, who knows where it would of led. It might of even led farther than that, I just haven’t discovered that yet. But time will tell.
> Part of me does not want to forgive because I am the one who has to deal with this the rest of our lives if we decide to stay together. I’m the one that has to deal with the trust issues. I’m not the type that worries about anything so taking this rout weighs heavily of me thinking I can’t do it. The other part of me as in any relationship of so long is to try and work it out if it was just a kiss. But only if that’s it and that’s the thing, I currently do not know yet. But I have never thought about life without her in it. But cheating is cheating and is not taken lightly.


In principle, when somebody has done something untrustworthy than it is they that have to prove that they can be trusted.
You have a trust issue with her because she did something untrustworthy.

We want what happened to be at the lowest possible level, but what actually happened needs to be ferreted to ensure that is all that happened.
It usually involves a polygraph to be sure.


----------



## Evinrude58

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I watched the location sharing the complete time so I don’t believe they stoped to have sex because the location never stopped moving. Since I have figured this out, she has given me permission to her phone whenever I want (I’ve always had access to this, they just texted while they were working and always got deleted) and I can also get the text history conversations between them and block the guys number from her phone.
> 
> I hate to just jump to conclusions and assume the worst, at least in my scenario as I honestly don’t think they justkissed on the lips bu*t I also don’t think they had sex either.*
> 
> I do know his wife has a full out affair on him as it was no hidden secret from anyone in their situation


And you’d be mistaken. Sorry. You are in denial. Complete, utter denial. You’re being played.


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## Tested_by_stress

Based on the fact he is the principal and your wife is in her 20's, can we assume he is older than you both OP?


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## Beach123

She could easily have a burner phone when she realizes you’re watching her phone.
She could easily leave her phone at school and go anywhere with the OM.

Don’t be naive about what she can hide from you!

Has she quit her job yet? She shouldn’t go back to that school even one more day!

What consequences does she currently have? How is she reacting? Is she willing to do anything to earn the trust back?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

HelpMarriedMan said:


> What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


You could take the phone to a recovery expert and have them do this. If she has nothing to hide, she shouldn't object to this.


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## jonty30

HelpMarriedMan said:


> What is the best text recovery software. I did plan to do this. And we also have discussed her transferring schools.


Not meaning to correct you and maybe you're underplaying the conversation, but there is no discussion about changing schools. 
It should be a given on that point.


----------



## ShatteredKat

YOU have a problem - a "broken" wife

She has decided it is ok to ???? with another male - married at that - and done ???? (other than the admitted spit-swapping) 

Suggestion: read through this









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com






next - gather all your financial information and lock down the possible "retail therapy" spending - or siphon off of funds for any reason to non-shared account(s)

Get tested for STDs (I haven't read all the posts in this thread) - and ask her to do the same. Might be an eye opener.

Get thee to a shark divorce specialist lawyer to find the lay of the land for where you live. 

The point here is to prepare for the worst - while hoping for the best.


Entertain the need for your WWW (wandering wayward wife) to get some counseling on how to treat the vows of marriage. She is failing so far -

Good luck


----------



## re16

Tested_by_stress said:


> You could take the phone to a recovery expert and have them do this. If she has nothing to hide, she shouldn't object to this.


I would backup the phone before you threaten this or better yet, get her another phone and take that one, so you run recovery on it before she hard resets it.
If iPhone, fonelab works.

Be warned, she will likely say you are invading her privacy.

ETA: Assuming iPhone, sometimes people don’t realize that message attachments (photos) have to be deleted separately to fully disappear, go to his number on the text thread, and click the name at the top and then the info button and you’ll see all the photos shared, unless she deleted each of them in both places.


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## Beach123

You don’t have any idea yet IF your wife even wants to change. She may still be pining after her new love interest - that adrenaline is tough to compete with. What does she say she will do to change this terrible situation she created?


----------



## manwithnoname

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


Even though I haven't been in this situation before, I do get it. I get that you want to believe it was just a kiss (even that would be enough for *me*) and I get that you have a hard time doing something or thinking a certain way so quickly....this is a lot to digest so quickly. Keep in mind, that all the "it was more than a kiss" you are getting here is because almost always, this turns out to be true. Do a lot of reading on this forum and you will see for yourself. Everyone is just trying to save you time, while at the same time prevent you from handling this the wrong way. One wrong way is doing the "pick me dance" and rug sweeping based on lies you were told.

Start assuming that the "kiss" was a lot more than a kiss, and have that mindset moving forward. It would be easier to discover it was lots of sex every chance they got when this is what you were thinking, rather than discovering that thinking it was just a kiss. That way you won't have another "D day" to deal with emotionally, and can concentrate on doing what you need to do, divorce her and ruin him. 

Yes, divorce her and ruin him. 

You have a great resource at your disposal here, take advantage of it.


----------



## Talker67

Rob_1 said:


> Of course there's always the possibility that they didn't have sex.
> 
> The thing is, if you were to read here and the infidelity forums at other sites about the "we just kissed" you will read tread after tread, after tread that the 'we just kissed " was a full fledged sexual affair, almost every time. It's amazing how those that had the experience just read the explained situation and almost 99.9% we get it right.


^He Ainn't Lyin^

when i first found TAM, i used to defend guys who came on here that said "she told me they only kissed". then about 6 pages later in the thread, just like clockwork, the OP was saying "and then i found out about the wild sex they had...". just like clockwork.

I was thinking, though, if you want to try the reconciliation route, at the very least SHE has to move her job to a different school. Her having this principal as her boss is just too enabling for their affair. If she was not seeing him at work every day, you stand a much better chance of things going your way.

In a perverse way, her having a full blown affair is at least an indication that she CAN BE SEXY, CAN HAVE SEXUAL ARDOUR still. so in a reconciliation, there is the chance that your sex life will come back like the old times. Some people just can not handle the close contact at work of the opposite sex, especially if the sex life at home is not great and she was feeling ignored while being horny. So you see, to get her "back", it will require both her doing some heavy lifting, and you also upping your sex game at home--she is obviously a horny housewife, moreso than you probably realized.

good luck in what ever path you choose


----------



## Megaforce

Here is what is hard to understand for me: if there was intent to cheat, why does it matter if it was fully consummated?
I have never understood some of the advice I have seen in other cases advising that a husband or wife intervene quickly where a plot to cheat is discovered, as if merely preventing the physical consummation somehow mitigates the betrayal. One is still left with a spouse that has clearly demonstrated a willingness to betray.
As a former criminal defense attorney, I could never understand why the sentences should be any different for crimes like attempted murder vs murder. In the former, it was merely luck or the perpetrator's ineptitude that caused a diff er ent result.
In this case here, kiss with intent to go further vs actual intercourse is meaningless. This man is still left with a wife who has ,clearly, shown she is more than willing to betray him.
You are under 30, in your prime. No kids. You should consider divorce.


----------



## SunCMars

Talker67 said:


> it is very easy to get a hand job in a car. A bj is also possible, but a little harder. And while he is driving, he can also be pleasuring her with his fingers.
> there is a certain thrill about giving each other orgasms that way in a quasi public way, where people passing by can see inside of their car and know what is happening


C'mon Man, you don't know this.

Nobody does, but OP's wife and the POSOM.

You are using this possibility as an excuse to throw in some imaginative and bawdy peccadilloes.

I agree, the two _likely_ have had full blown sex.

Oops, wrong phrasing.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

What SunCMars said times 100.


----------



## Talker67

SunCMars said:


> C'mon Man, you don't know this.
> 
> Nobody does, but OP's wife and the POSOM.
> 
> You are using this possibility as an excuse to throw in some imaginative and bawdy peccadilloes.
> 
> I agree, the two _likely_ have had full blown sex.
> 
> Oops, wrong phrasing.


First i DO know it is easy to have sex while driving or riding in a moving car. Another member posted this also!

2nd, i just wanted to say that it is possible....it seemed the OP thought that because the car did not stop that that somehow meant no sex was going on.


----------



## manwithnoname

Talker67 said:


> First i DO know it is easy to have sex while driving or riding in a moving car. Another member posted this also!
> 
> 2nd, i just wanted to say that it is possible....it seemed the OP thought that because the car did not stop that that somehow meant no sex was going on.


Plus was he tracking her phone or the car? If the phone, they could have been in his car. If the car, he could have been driving. And weren't they alone in an empty school at some point? So a couple of BJs and some some more conventional/unconventional sex was quite possible.


----------



## Willnotbill

@HelpMarriedMan a couple things stand out to me. It sounds like you've confronted both of them and most likely they are in cover our butt mode. Whichever one you talked to first likely got with the other so they could coordinate stories. 

I don't see where you've talked to the OM wife but I may have missed it. If I were you I would talk to her directly. That way you're getting her side from her. Its common for a cheater to tell the AP their spouse is cheating to try to legitimize their own deceit.

This talk they had of marriage is not something people joke about off the cuff. It comes from somewhere or something. This is very concerning.

Lastly, middle school kids hold hands and kiss. Adults go a lot farther. I would be surprised if all they did was kiss but that is still infidelity.

I was in a similar position as you a long time ago. I had everything but the smoking gun and my wife denied, denied and denied again and blamed me for breaking trust and ruining our marriage. Someone told me about poly tests so during one of our talks I suggested it to end our issue and she agreed. Long story short, the day before poly she confessed. I believe she thought I was bluffing.

Only you can decide to reconcile or divorce but you need to have ALL the information to make a sound decision for you. I would suggest a poly and hide a VAR in her car or where she would talk on phone at home. It sound like you've only scrarched the surface of whats going on. There is probably a lot to learn.


----------



## SunCMars

Hurthusband77 said:


> I can think of one instance where a BH caught on to his WW’s EA and was ruthless in dealing with it. She and her AP hadn’t made it physical yet but only because he caught it when it was a week or so old. She admitted it would have gotten physical had he not confronted, showed strength and such resolve, *he snapped her out of her “fog” *(can’t stand that term).


A better word for 'fog' would be_ spell._

The wayward person is under a _spell_.


The POSOM's, or POSOW's _spiel_ helps here, of course!
Add in some gall, and some lust for good measure.

Um...

That _spell_, in my vaunted opinion is personally derived, and extra-personally imposed, viz., extraneous to both parties.

Love and hate is *in the air,* all about us. 

We live (and flit about, like wind-born butterfly's) in a electro-chemical soup of attractive, and repelling forces.

Some of these forces are irresistible, and _those, in particular, are meant to be_, such, that Fate.



_King Brian-_


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Willnotbill said:


> @HelpMarriedMan a couple things stand out to me. It sounds like you've confronted both of them and most likely they are in cover our butt mode. Whichever one you talked to first likely got with the other so they could coordinate stories.
> 
> I don't see where you've talked to the OM wife but I may have missed it. If I were you I would talk to her directly. That way you're getting her side from her. Its common for a cheater to tell the AP their spouse is cheating to try to legitimize their own deceit.
> 
> This talk they had of marriage is not something people joke about off the cuff. It comes from somewhere or something. This is very concerning.
> 
> Lastly, middle school kids hold hands and kiss. Adults go a lot farther. I would be surprised if all they did was kiss but that is still infidelity.
> 
> I was in a similar position as you a long time ago. I had everything but the smoking gun and my wife denied, denied and denied again and blamed me for breaking trust and ruining our marriage. Someone told me about poly tests so during one of our talks I suggested it to end our issue and she agreed. Long story short, the day before poly she confessed. I believe she thought I was bluffing.
> 
> Only you can decide to reconcile or divorce but you need to have ALL the information to make a sound decision for you. I would suggest a poly and hide a VAR in her car or where she would talk on phone at home. It sound like you've only scrarched the surface of whats going on. There is probably a lot to learn.


 Think of an iceberg….90% lies below the surface. Only 10% you see.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

SunCMars said:


> Risky behavior.
> 
> It will likely make the driver become dikstracted.
> 
> 
> _N-_


Yes, I can attest to that from experience from my younger days.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


I am not “one shot I’m done”. I was married 29 years when my FWW carried on her affair. The difference between us is I took advice analyzed it, sent a few PMs, for one on one advice.

My FWW went so far as to ask for a [email protected] gave me good advice. When she asked again while we were having a cup of coffee on morning I slammed my palm down on the table loudly, and came back with her suitcases. She freaked. I asked her to leave our house.

I search my house as advised and in one of the closets in a guest bedroom and I found lingerie I had never seen before.
Had I tried to be diplomatic I would have been seen as weak. I went scorched earth once I had solid 411.

I am now six years into R.

point I am trying to convey is listen to advice here and apply it to your situation.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

HelpMarriedMan said:


> _*I get everyone’s opinion and also thought the worst and still do. I thank everyone that has put in their input. I’m not to the bottom of this yet. But I will be sooner or later if they decide to tell me or if I have to figure it out in my own.
> 
> I came here for opinions on what I should do not to hear the worst that could of happened as I already assumed like most of you have. But there is also a lot of speculation going on too, because for example she was driving her car. It would be kind of hard to give road head when your the person driving. But I guess always possible if u assume the worst.*_



Damn.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

OP, we'll see you when you come back and post, *"You were ALL right!!....."* as the title of your next thread.


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## Evinrude58

She’s having an affair. Undeniable.

what to do: file for divorce (you should)
Tell employer, personally tell AP’s wife (set up a meeting), start moving on with your life.
If your wife does an about face and convinces you to stay, you can. You’d be an idiot to do so, but your choice.

Why: 

She loves another man and her head is in the land of unicorns and rainbows because all he has to do is be nice to her and have sex with her (he’s been doing both, no doubt. Zero). He doesn’t have to provide or do the everyday pain in the add stuff that life consists of for her. You can’t compete with that. Nobody can. The only hope of fixing this is to launch a thermonuclear attack on unicorn land by exposing, filing for divorce, and letting the consequences of her actions do their thing. OM will likely throw her under the bus before he loses his wife and his job. Go after both his job and by personally communicating to his wife what you know.
If you act weak (you’ve had your legs cut out from under you, your self confidence and life view of people is crushed), and don’t do all of the above, your wife still may come back, but not her feelings for you. They’ll still be with the OM. If you do all the above, the fairy tale is over, the tastiness of the affair will sour, abd she will be emotionally wrecked over the thought of losing you (security and comfort) and her AP (sexual excitement, romance, drug-like high feeling) at the same time. If you do this, she will start naturally grasping at the best chance of getting out of her bind (you).
If not, and you choose to forgive her and “work things out”, you will have placed yourself in a position where your status as security blanket is cemented, and his status as romantic screw buddy which she isn’t sure of, will stay on her mind. She’ll act depressed, won’t care for sex with you, have no real connection. Eventually when she gets her ducks in a row she will divorce you. If you feel my reasoning is illogical, ignore it. If not, proceed with blowing up her mental world of debauchery.


----------



## Rob_1

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I am not “one shot I’m done”. I was married 29 years when my FWW carried on her affair. The difference between us is I took advice analyzed it, sent a few PMs, for one on one advice.



Yes, but as you know, on average most men that are cheated do not come to infidelity forums to ask for advice because for most men infidelity of any kind is an absolute deal breaker, and they end the relationship right away (quite violently in many cases as we all know). Normally it is the men that are so shocked, confused, never though what to do in the case of them being betrayed by their love ones, have not cope mechanisms, or simply as we see in a lot of guys younger than 40 that were raised in today's prevalent anti-male society, and many, many men that were raised in a female single parent home as is very prevalent today. These new kinds mostly lack any tool to deal with women and specifically how to cope when cheated by their partner. They were directly or indirectly taught to be submissive to women, to be a provider mostly.

That's why we see so many confused men coming to these forums not knowing what to do, and unable to believe and accept what they are being told might be true. Lord,if we all had the experience and knowledge we have now as old men when we were in our 20s to 40s men (and women) wouldn't suffer so much by being able to cut from the get go a bad relationship were the stakes are stacked up against us.


----------



## 346745

Rob_1 said:


> Yes, but as you know, on average most men that are cheated do not come to infidelity forums to ask for advice because for most men infidelity of any kind is an absolute deal breaker, and they end the relationship right away (quite violently in many cases as we all know). Normally it is the men that are so shocked, confused, never though what to do in the case of them being betrayed by their love ones, have not cope mechanisms, or simply as we see in a lot of guys younger than 40 that were raised in today's prevalent anti-male society, and many, many men that were raised in a female single parent home as is very prevalent today. These new kinds mostly lack any tool to deal with women and specifically how to cope when cheated by their partner. They were directly or indirectly taught to be submissive to women, to be a provider mostly.
> 
> That's why we see so many confused men coming to these forums not knowing what to do, and unable to believe and accept what they are being told might be true. Lord,if we all had the experience and knowledge we have now as old men when we were in our 20s to 40s men (and women) wouldn't suffer so much by being able to cut from the get go a bad relationship were the stakes are stacked up against us.


Interesting points. I honestly don't know how I'd react if my wife confessed to having an affair. There was a time I suspected something and asked her. She got very angry. Almost angry like she was mad I figured it out. She denied it. I don't know. Women are very, very secretive. I hope she didn't. But if she did and I found out - now years later - I'm not sure how I'd react. Good point about knowedge gained over the years. At 61, know much more than at 31.


----------



## Rob_1

Longtime Hubby said:


> There was a time I suspected something and asked her. She got very angry. Almost angry like she was mad I figured it out.


You see, for a guy like me your above statement would have been enough to have ended the relationship. Why spent the rest of my life mistrusting, in angs, torturing myself thinking day after day: did she or didn't she?

If your guts tells you that something is wrong, something is wrong most of the time. Always trust your guts.


----------



## Erudite

So 6 pages in and I don't need to repeat any of this advice. Most of it seems reasonable. I don't recommend the scorched earth policy. Hell, I don't know if I would expose them either mostly because I don't see it lasting anyway and it just will cause more of a fight than you need during the divorce since most states are no fault anyway. The OM wife was a cheater herself. You don't owe her anything and this is not a case of the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Just move on, quietly, firmly, and with dignity. Don't let them drag you through it. Stop playing detective and start the divorce process. Oh and don't have sex with her anymore.

On another note, I am sorry for what you are going through. Truly.


----------



## 346745

Rob_1 said:


> You see, for a guy like me your above statement would have been enough to have ended the relationship. Why spent the rest of my life mistrusting, in angs, torturing myself thinking day after day: did she or didn't she?
> 
> If your guts tells you that something is wrong, something is wrong most of the time. Always trust your guts.


my gut says i was wrong. she did not stray. At the time, I thought she had. But over the years, I don't think so. Of course, I could be totally wrong. I would not end a relationship unless i had concrete evidence. And don't have that.


----------



## Rob_1

Erudite said:


> The OM wife was a cheater herself.


We actually don't know if it's true. That's according to OP wife's lover.



HelpMarriedMan said:


> I knew it was going to happen when my wife told me that he told her what happened between him and his wife.


----------



## Marc878

Megaforce said:


> Here is what is hard to understand for me: if there was intent to cheat, why does it matter if it was fully consummated?
> I have never understood some of the advice I have seen in other cases advising that a husband or wife intervene quickly where a plot to cheat is discovered, as if merely preventing the physical consummation somehow mitigates the betrayal. One is still left with a spouse that has clearly demonstrated a willingness to betray.
> As a former criminal defense attorney, I could never understand why the sentences should be any different for crimes like attempted murder vs murder. In the former, it was merely luck or the perpetrator's ineptitude that caused a diff er ent result.
> In this case here, kiss with intent to go further vs actual intercourse is meaningless. This man is still left with a wife who has ,clearly, shown she is more than willing to betray him.
> You are under 30, in your prime. No kids. You should consider divorce.


Excellent advice. The thing is the capability is there to go through this again. It takes two for a marriage. One can’t do it alone. No matter what the intent was there.


----------



## Erudite

Rob_1 said:


> We actually don't know if it's true. That's according to OP wife's lover.


Fair enough. But then I would posit it is only relevent if OP wants to stay married. (Which I hope he doesn't btw) Look predatory men like wife's lover will play on a woman's empathy. That's how it works. Make the WW feel sorry for him, tell her she completes him, then makes her question her own marriage. But the hook is in the empathy. Which was given based on a lie.

If OP wants to stay in the marriage and it is found out the OM lied to get her in the sack then that changes things. What she still did was terribly wrong, of course, but she was used and manipulated. Once the other man's wife is contacted it will further muddy the waters because she may lie as well. I still advise to keep her out of it. My two cents.


----------



## Rob_1

@Marc878, I missed @Megaforce post. That's exactly my position.That's why I advice the way I advice. I understand that a lot of men have the capability to look the other way and forgive for many reasons (but normally never forget), but still the intent was there, and that is all it would matter to me.


----------



## Rob_1

Erudite said:


> Look predatory men like wife's lover will play on a woman's empathy. That's how it works. Make the WW feel sorry for him, tell her she completes him, then makes her question her own marriage. But the hook is in the empathy. Which was given based on a lie.


In my opinion that's nonsense. What you are saying is a cope out excuse. It's like saying, just because I suffer white knight syndrome when I rescue the damsel in distress I fall in love with her, while leaving my wife to smell the stinking roses.


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## jsmart

You should 100 percent report them to the school board. If you want to try to reconcile with your WW, then she needs to not be working with him. You should insist on a timeline of the affair. Writing down what she did forces her to face the uglyness of what she did. Taking it from an exciting secret relationship to the ugly betrayal of her high school sweetheart husband.

I also advise that you dig deep in her devices and watch for a burner phone. But let’s be real, they work together, so have plenty of time to communicate in person. And places to sneak off for a quickie or BJ.

I read a popular thread of a BH (Neanderthal) who’s elementary school teacher wife of 15 years and mother of their 5 year old daughter, befriended a father of one of her students. She said that she was helping him by watching their kids together but it was a full on she’s in wuv highly sexual PA.
His wife insisted they only sex once. She (lifedestroyer) joined the forum and started her own thread in the wayward section. She was grilled by other but she stuck to her story. Even got some BHs to have sympathy for her treatment from BH from before the affair. Then came the poly. He got the infamous parking lot confession. Turns out she had a lot of sex, including wanton acts at OM’s house, in his truck, her family mini van. and even performed sex acts at the school. She openly walked hand in hand in the downtown of their very small city. And they discussed being with each and starting a new blended family if they were caught. I say all this for you to know that we have heard your story many times. We have seen how it plays out in the end. I’m telling you, that you do not have truth.


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## Erudite

Rob_1 said:


> In my opinion that's nonsense. What you are saying is a cope out excuse. It's like saying, just because I suffer white knight syndrome when I rescue the damsel in distress I fall in love with her, while leaving my wife to smell the stinking roses.


Oh no, it's not a cop out. I said she was wrong. Full stop. But IF he decides to stay with her he should consider the fact that she MAY have been manipulated in some fashion as well as exercising poor judgement. Part of the reason I advocate divorce here is because it is not healthy to feel like an oppressive enforcer just to keep your marriage together. Making someone feel like crap about themselves day after day with no end in sight, and they should walk on glass forever if necessary ( fyi if it's forever what's the point) won't make the marriage any stronger. OP should insist on IC for her so she can examine why she was manipulated and hooked by the APs lies. Otherwise she is apt to do do it again.


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## re16

Even if manipulation was part of it, the fact that she is susceptible to such manipulation is a problem, and one OP can’t fix.

Reality is that this happened over a period of time and many decisions on her part, she had agency over her actions, and chose this path with full knowledge of the potential consequences.


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## Erudite

re16 said:


> Even if manipulation was part of it, the fact that she is susceptible to such manipulation is a problem, and one OP can’t fix.
> 
> Reality is that this happened over a period of time and many decisions on her part, she had agency over her actions, and chose this path with full knowledge of the potential consequences.


I am not disagreeing with you. That's why I advocated divorce first. It sounds to me that OP wants to try to save the relationship and if he does, and it is found out that the AP lied, that is actually a good thing! OP's wife will feel betrayed by the AP partner which will feed her guilt (and she should feel guilty!) She will also feel foolish for being manipulated so easily. 

Again I agree with you, WW wife's actions show callousness and forethought enough to try and not get caught. It's just I can see OP wants to try and in order to try there needs to be something wrong with WW that she has the ability to fix. You can't fix callousness or deviousness imho


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## Megaforce

re16 said:


> Even if manipulation was part of it, the fact that she is susceptible to such manipulation is a problem, and one OP can’t fix.
> 
> Reality is that this happened over a period of time and many decisions on her part, she had agency over her actions, and chose this path with full knowledge of the potential consequences.


Right. This manipulation allegation is completely speculative and, quite frankly, one we see almost exclusively in cheating wife situations. It's as if some folks have not figured out that women like sex a lot and will resort to the same devious methods as men to obtain variety and quantity. 
These are not naive, childlike people easily swayed or manipulated. They are fully. formed adults with severe character defects. 
In this case, we already know the wife has cheated. Kissing other men is physically cheating. Why there is any need( although I understand wanting to know) to know whether she blew the guy or anything else seems unnecessary. She has broken her vows, quite readily I would add.
This whole sordid mess needs to be reported to the school district. Neither of these two should be around kids.


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## re16

I’ve always viewed the main currency of this type of affair is compliments for the female and sex for the male. The female gives more and more to receive more compliments.

There is an underlying piece of seeking male validation. At one point OP served that function, but once there is another male around, compliments can shift her desire like a flag in the breeze.

Dangerous mentality and common among serial cheaters.


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## uwe.blab

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I’m not downplaying it by any means. It is a big deal to me. It was also a total shock to me with us having no trust issues or anything in the past 10 plus years.
> I do agree that it would of progressed further even though they are saying that was it. That’s a complete lie. That was it because that is where I caught it. Other than that, who knows where it would of led. It might of even led farther than that, I just haven’t discovered that yet. But time will tell.
> Part of me does not want to forgive because I am the one who has to deal with this the rest of our lives if we decide to stay together. I’m the one that has to deal with the trust issues. I’m not the type that worries about anything so taking this rout weighs heavily of me thinking I can’t do it. The other part of me as in any relationship of so long is to try and work it out if it was just a kiss. But only if that’s it and that’s the thing, I currently do not know yet. But I have never thought about life without her in it. But cheating is cheating and is not taken lightly.


ok listen man, if you think they met at McDonald's and drove around God knows where for God knows how long for their lips to brush together....

you didn't catch them. and they are not going to tell you what you don't know. (that they have been having sex for months).


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## Megaforce

re16 said:


> I’ve always viewed the main currency of this type of affair is compliments for the female and sex for the male. The female gives more and more to receive more compliments.
> 
> Their is an underlying piece of seeking male validation. At one point OP served that function, but once there is another male around, compliments can shift her desire like a flag in the breeze.
> 
> Dangerous mentality and common among serial cheaters.


IMO, the above disregards women's desire for sex for it's own sake. For some reason, there seems to be a notion that men have higher sex drives. This completely ignores the fact that women have a greater capacity for sex than men.


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## jsmart

re16 said:


> I’ve always viewed *the main currency of this type of affair is compliments for the female and sex for the male. The female gives more and more to receive more compliments.*
> 
> Their is an underlying piece of seeking male validation. *At one point OP served that function*, but once there is another male around, compliments can shift her desire like a flag in the breeze.
> 
> Dangerous mentality and common among serial cheaters.


That's exactly the exchange that takes place. A woman enthusiastically gives herself for the ego boost of having a new guy give her attention. Many times the OM is giving the WW the same compliments that her BH has given. Unfortunately too many wives tune out their husband's compliments and even attempts at romance. So everything the OM does, is so sincere and from the heart. Her husband? Nope, he just wants sex.

Reading it in threads from the WW perspective really makes me shake my head in disbelief. Many times the affair devolves to just a text for a quick hook up The WW may complain a little but she still dutifully comes, services the OM like a good prostitute should. Then it's back to the home to be emotionally absent from her BH and even her kids. With husband wondering why the sex has dried up and asking what's wrong because he knows in his gut something is off.


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## re16

Megaforce said:


> IMO, the above disregards women's desire for sex for it's own sake. For some reason, there seems to be a notion that men have higher sex drives. This completely ignores the fact that women have a greater capacity for sex than men.


You may very well be correct….and if so she would be capable of a one night stand also…


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## HappilyMarried1

So sorry @HelpMarriedMan I may have missed but when you talked with wife about this situation what did she say about why she was leaving you to go ride around with him as well as why she had been kissing him? What else is she wanting from their relationship? Was she talking about him and her getting married? If so what was her explanation about that? If they are talking like that I’m afraid they have done a lot more than a couple of light kisses. Best of luck!


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## Beach123

Marc878 said:


> Excellent advice. The thing is the capability is there to go through this again. It takes two for a marriage. One can’t do it alone. No matter what the intent was there.


Intent is everything.
She has been betraying you and talking about plans to marry someone else!

Isn’t that enough for you to understand she didn’t focus on only you as her number one person in the world?

She intended to be with him. She cheated. That’s enough that she should experience some swift and severe consequences!


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## Livvie

Rus47 said:


> Not sure why he would want her back under any circumstances. But its his life.


Right.

OP, why aren't the texts you read with them talking about their wedding 🙄 enough to send you running for the hills?


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## ConanHub

HelpMarriedMan said:


> I appreciate this response. Seems like everyone on here is you get one shot and that’s it. Of course they are also the people speculating that a kiss also means sex. Im sure some people responding have been in a similar situation that I am currently in and that’s what ended up happening. I would agree if there was sex then this would be a done deal and I wouldn’t of even had to be on here in the first place. I would of already knew the answer on my own. Again I’m not to the bottom of this and I hope that everyone on here with the exception of a couple people are wrong. But that’s not realistic either.
> 
> I don’t want to sound like I’m defending them either as it was completely wrong by both of them.Im just trying to vent and get this off my chest and figure out what the next steps in my life and relationship is.


Nine times out of ten or more, when a cheater confesses to a kiss, it can be translated as sex.

There is a cheaters script that is very tried and true if not original.


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## ConanHub

Beach123 said:


> Intent is everything.
> She has been betraying you and talking about plans to marry someone else!
> 
> Isn’t that enough for you to understand she didn’t focus on only you as her number one person in the world?
> 
> She intended to be with him. She cheated. That’s enough that she should experience some swift and severe consequences!


Seriously. What is there to try and recover?


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## QuietGuy

What has your wife told you about why she did this. Has her explanation changed. Does she want to stay married? What actions has she taken to make you feel safe in the marriage? Her AP is in a vulnerable position. Use this. Meet him face to face and tell him he has this last chance to come 100% clean. Tell him all communication with your wife must be visible to you. If your wife ever mentions this meeting, you know they are still communicating about non work related things. and the affair is still active. Make it clear that if he withholds information, communicates with your wife privately, or is ever alone with her again, you will feel it is your duty to inform the appropriate officials. Do not let him explain, make excuses, set any conditions. Do nor discuss anything except the facts and the timeline of the affair. Be very firm on this.


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## Tested_by_stress

QuietGuy said:


> What has your wife told you about why she did this. Has her explanation changed. Does she want to stay married? What actions has she taken to make you feel safe in the marriage? Her AP is in a vulnerable position. Use this. Meet him face to face and tell him he has this last chance to come 100% clean. Tell him all communication with your wife must be visible to you. If your wife ever mentions this meeting, you know they are still communicating about non work related things. and the affair is still active. Make it clear that if he withholds information, communicates with your wife privately, or is ever alone with her again, you will feel it is your duty to inform the appropriate officials. Do not let him explain, make excuses, set any conditions. Do nor discuss anything except the facts and the timeline of the affair. Be very firm on this.


I agree with this with one caveat. Regardless of the AP's compliance to his demands( or lack there of) he "*must *" report this to the appropriate officials.


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## Evinrude58

Th we kissed and are planning a wedding. Says no truthful person on the planet.


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## Davit Bek

@HelpMarriedMan I'm sorry you're here brother. As someone already said the advice here is hard and comes at you fast. Read the constructive ones, ignore the ones that say Why haven't you... But also trust the collective knowledge and experience of people here in that is was more than a kiss. They've had plenty of opportunity to have more than that including being the only ones at school. More importantly, even if this was the ultra rare case of only kissing which I have never seen, it is still full blown affair, and would get physical in no time and only hasn't out of lack of opportunity rather than commitment. As in the affair has happened. The worst case scenario has happened. 

Now if you want to not just get your marriage back, but at least make your wife want to be married to you, you need to end this marriage and expose them. That will take the comfort of having a husband and the fog of having an AP away from her at the same time. Without breaking this fog, and having her come to self-realization that you and your marriage have the highest value, there is no chance of saving it. 

Read "the 180", read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", to improve yourself as a partner and have a better understanding of things. And also get a lawyer. Even if you want to keep this marriage, you have to end it first and have her fight for you. There is no other tenable solution that would work long term.


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## Kaliber

@HelpMarriedMan it seems you can get over the kiss, but you don't know the full truth, so get to the bottom of it, your best options now is recover any data from her phone, a PI can help you with that!
Also VARs are good, 1 in her car and another where she usually sits and hangout at home!

Here is a thread that will help you a lot:








Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





One last thing, I saw that you posted information about their affair from what she/he told you, you know that people who have affairs lie and minimize, they lie a lot, so be careful in believing any thing they say!


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## re16

Evinrude58 said:


> Th we kissed and are planning a wedding. Says no truthful person on the planet.


But they were just joking around…. Right…I mean she even said so… and she is very honest, especially when it comes to OM.


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## SnowToArmPits

Hi OP.
Early days for you but some things you can do, already mentioned.


Leaving them working together is a recipe for and end to your marriage. She either transfers, quits, or you get him fired. Getting him fired might also get your wife fired though. Is your wife getting fired worse for you than leaving them working together?
Demand a timeline from her what happened and when.
Consider a polygraph test to try to find out what has gone on.
Talk to a lawyer, get educated about divorce in your jurisdiction, knowledge is power. Tell her you've talked to a lawyer so she understands how serious this is.

She has lied right to your face, then went out and 'kissed' him, went on driving dates with him. She was dating another man while married to you. Sorry this has happened, but who are you married to here? She obviously can be very selfish, and can be cruel to those who love her.

Sorry if I missed this, how is your wife acting now? She crying her eyes out worried you'll divorce her? Has she turned this around on you saying it's your fault because you've been ignoring her?

Keep posting, stay strong.


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## TAMAT

HMM,

Research the OMs work history, there is a good chance he moved on from past jobs because he did the same thing there possibly with WWs who looked like your WW.

The story about his own W cheating is a standard story/fantasy/lie OMs tell to get sympathy from their targets, and guess what your WW understood him and made him feel better like no woman ever another story. I would suspect that if his W did cheat it was only after years or decades of pain from OMs cheating, and the OM just reversed the story.

OMs tend to have a whole scheme worked out for seduction, creating an image in the WWs mind of a wonderful life with the OM is part of it.

He is the one who should leave the school and as a public service never find employment in a school system again. Firebomb his Linkedin, Facebook, Email, Relatives and Etc with exposure messages, threaten a lawsuit since he is in a superior and responsible position.

Yea have your WW write out a timeline and then polygraph. She just kissed, barely?, someone she wants to marry?


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## Rus47

TAMAT said:


> threaten a lawsuit since he is in a superior and responsible position.


Have no idea if this causes action in a school, but it sure does in a private business. They will fire a perp 10 minutes after the threat of a harassment suit.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

SnowToArmPits said:


> Hi OP.
> Early days for you but some things you can do, already mentioned.
> 
> 
> Leaving them working together is a recipe for and end to your marriage. She either transfers, quits, or you get him fired. Getting him fired might also get your wife fired though. Is your wife getting fired worse for you than leaving them working together?
> Demand a timeline from her what happened and when.
> Consider a polygraph test to try to find out what has gone on.
> Talk to a lawyer, get educated about divorce in your jurisdiction, knowledge is power. Tell her you've talked to a lawyer so she understands how serious this is.
> 
> She has lied right to your face, then went out and 'kissed' him, went on driving dates with him. She was dating another man while married to you. Sorry this has happened, but who are you married to here? She obviously can be very selfish, and can be cruel to those who love her.
> 
> Sorry if I missed this, how is your wife acting now? She crying her eyes out worried you'll divorce her? Has she turned this around on you saying it's your fault because you've been ignoring her?
> 
> Keep posting, stay strong.


Oh yes get prepared for the old blame shifting routine when you out her. Standard play from the cheater handbook.


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## Divinely Favored

manwithnoname said:


> Keep in mind that a blow job is possible while driving.


Yes it is😏


----------



## wmn1

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Oh yes get prepared for the old blame shifting routine when you out her. Standard play from the cheater handbook.


and also have a plan in place to tell family and friends so she doesn't control the 'narrative'


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## Beach123

What is your plan OP? What has transpired so far - since you found out?


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## re16

OP probably had his eyes opened a bit by the comments so far… hopefully he is doing ok and his world hasn’t imploded… I have a feeling we will hear there was more to it… if he returns.


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## manwithnoname

re16 said:


> OP probably had his eyes opened a bit by the comments so far… hopefully he is doing ok and his world hasn’t imploded… I have a feeling we will hear there was more to it… if he returns.


Hopefully he’s been reading similar stories on here, consulting with attorneys, running phone recovery software, etc. 
I hope he’s back, he needs the guidance.


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## TechT99

Hopefully he has had his eyes opened a bit. They are gas lighting for sure. Who meets at mcds just to kiss, they could do that at the school where they work. He definitely needs to tell the school board. Might cause some headaches for his wife but it is what it is. She should know better!


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## jonty30

OP another thing that nobody has brought up. Your wife may beg you to not hurt her lover's career, because she was intent on replacing you. She doesn't want him hurt because she still envisions a future with him. 

If she does, do not listen to her. You do not owe her anything.


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## TriX

Divinely Favored said:


> Yes it is😏


.... and that is without having a new fangled self-driving car.


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## 346745

Best route? Hire a detective to get the goods on them. Shouldn't take too long, either. Then with concrete evidence in hand, he's in the driver's seat. Yeah, I love her "driving around" story. Sure. The only driving is the principal driving into her.


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## Livvie

Again, why the need for more evidence, and going round and round about what they may have done in the car?

Why aren't the texts in which they discuss future plans to MARRY enough?

Is OP the kind of guy who wants to stay w a woman who wants to marry another man? I don't get it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I think OP has departed the site for now. Being hit with reality is tough as I can attest to from my D-Day, which occurred one week after discovery of this site six years ago.

Once I followed advice and suggestions and got the goods, I was glad I hung tough the first week after receiving my 2x4s.

OP if you are still reading, we are here to help you not to judge.


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## snowbum

The fact that your wife went to school when only her principal was there speaks volumes. Perfect opportunity for a tryst. And as others in education have said,, principals rarely text. When they do , they are business and absolutely not flirty. That's sexual harassment., which is nothing to joke about. I see no innocent explanation for any of this.


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## Rus47

snowbum said:


> The fact that your wife went to school when only her principal was there speaks volumes. Perfect opportunity for a tryst. And as others in education have said,, principals rarely text. When they do , they are business and absolutely not flirty. *That's sexual harassment., which is nothing to joke about.* I see no innocent explanation for any of this.


In business the OM would have already been fired, likely because female coworker complained to HR about the Affair providing preferential treatment to OP's wife. 

Speaking of which, whatever they did or didn't do this is by their own admission an Affair. OP is agonizing over the details, the facts he already knows proves his wife is a cheater who has transferred her loyalty and affection to another man. Whether they had full blown ( excuse the word ) sex is actually irrelevant. Full stop.


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## 346745

Rus47 said:


> In business the OM would have already been fired, likely because female coworker complained to HR about the Affair providing preferential treatment to OP's wife.
> 
> Speaking of which, whatever they did or didn't do this is by their own admission an Affair. OP is agonizing over the details, the facts he already knows proves his wife is a cheater who has transferred her loyalty and affection to another man. Whether they had full blown ( excuse the word ) sex is actually irrelevant. Full stop.


True, but I'd still like him to have some photos of them together taken by a private eye. Game. Set. Match. Tough for her to say they were going over the next year's study plans when she was unable to talk with principal, her having a full mouth.


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## Rus47

Longtime Hubby said:


> True, but I'd still like him to have some photos of them together taken by a private eye. Game. Set. Match. Tough for her to say they were going over the next year's study plans when she was unable to talk with principal, her having a full mouth.


Only matters if they are in a fault state and the OP chooses divorce. It wouldn't surprise if he eats the whole sandwich and tries to carry on until she files herself to be with her lover full time.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

If I had read that my FWW was pondering marriage like OP’s, reconciliation would have been off the table. I would have gone the nuclear route. OP has to decide to man up or mouse out. I hope he mans up.


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## SunCMars

re16 said:


> Even if manipulation was part of it, the fact that she is susceptible to such manipulation is a problem, and one OP can’t fix.
> 
> Reality is that this happened over a period of time and many decisions on her part, she had agency over her actions, and chose this path with full knowledge of the potential consequences.


A wife should wall off all other suitors.
A wall with a creeping crack is an unstable wall.
A wall with a crack that can be penetrated is not a wall, a'tall.




_King Brian-_


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## Mr.Married

If you can live with the fact that your wife understands that you are willing to be second place behind another man then that’s on you and you get what you deserve going forward.

Indecisive weakness breeds dry vaginas that seek out other options.

I believe you are insane to even require any more info than you already have.

Burying that head in the sand only leaves your azz up and ready.


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## Tdbo

Rus47 said:


> Have no idea if this causes action in a school, but it sure does in a private business. They will fire a perp 10 minutes after the threat of a harassment suit.


Depends on the quality of the leadership.
Generally in a school setting, it is all about the image.
Meaning that the squeakiest wheels will always get greased.
I have witnessed situations, from one where a teacher asked a principal how she could improve her evaluation. His response was: "How about a b*** j**. He spent the rest of his contract (that school year) sitting at a desk facing the wall during his contracted hours.
Another situation was when a married Science Teacher and Head Football Coach had an affair with the married Head Secretary of a High School. They used the clinic, his classroom and the boiler room outside of the school day as their "Playplaces", and more than frequently discussed/recorded their exploits using school e-mail.
Needless to say, the excrement hit the oscillating appliance, both in the building and in the community.
However, even with that, both remained in their jobs until the internal pressure became too much.
The solution from the "Super"? He called in a "Marker" from a friend who was a Superintendent in a larger district in the general vicinity. Just so happened that he needed a Science teacher and a Head Football Coach. Guess who got the job, with a sizable pay increase?
As for the secretary? Guess who was reassigned to Central Office? Even though her workday, as well as the number of days increased, she ended up with a pay increase.
I could tell many more stories; however, the point still stands that while some will do the right thing, others will do much to cover up.
Going back to my original post, OP needs to organize and rain holy hell upon his cheating spouse and her "Boyfriend" the Principal. Not only does his manhood and marriage deserve this, both the cheaters deserve it as well, and it is the right thing to do for the greater good.
The teachers in that district who are professionals and are striving to do the right thing deserve it, the taxpayers in the district deserve this action, and above all, the kids in that district deserve the purging of the trash.
However, it all starts with resolve, anger, determination, guts and swift action from the OP.


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## Robert22205

You need to realize that your wife is not the girl you dated and married. For whatever reason she changed.
Among other things, in the context of marriage, her behavior is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for you.

This is who she is today - and there is no quick fix. It's a 2-5 year project to fix herself and rebuild your trust - with a high failure rate. That's why you're hearing: no kids? ...why take the high risk? ...divorce.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior.
Your wife failed big time.

Consequently, she lost the right to expect you to believe her when she says "trust me" or "I'll stop seeing him".

She should be crawling on broken glass and taking the initiative to prove she deserves a second chance.


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## Robert22205

With respect to it was "just a kiss".

First, adults who are romantically involved and alone don't stop at kiss.

Second, this isn't just our opinion. 

Studies of couples that experienced infidelity found that the 'kiss' was the last barrier (that once crossed) led directly to intercourse (either immediately or the next time they were alone).

Your wife will never admit to sex voluntarily. Even if you can prove cheaters spent the night together in a hotel - they will argue that they just talked, or someone slept on the floor.

That's why you're hearing advice to use a polygraph test. It scares cheaters and just the prospect of facing it encourages the truth (and discourages withholding information).

If your wife objects, remind her that she is now proven herself to be a liar. And has no right to expect you to take her word for what happened during her affair. 

Although a polygraph is not perfect - it's more reliable than the words of a liar.


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## 346745

Wound she agree to a polygraph? Doubtful. I’d ante up for a detective.


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## re16

Longtime Hubby said:


> Wound she agree to a polygraph? Doubtful. I’d ante up for a detective.


I think detective only helps if she is continuing to engage in a relationship with OM (which I agree is likely).

Polygraph is looking at the past while detective is working on the right now and can’t go back in time.

Had OP come here before confronting, advice would have been overwhelming to not confront until he had hard proof of exactly what she was doing with OM.

This thread is a classic example of what happens when you do a false confront…. You get left in limbo of not knowing, and you may never get to the info you need.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

This threads OP is typical of many men who come on here, learn of the deception, and then cannot take the necessary steps to extricate themselves from infidelity. It is the worst pain I have ever known and shakes you to the core of your soul. However, one has to decide what their tolerance level is for betrayal. 

He seems scared to face the reality of his current situation. Sadly, his wife is pondering dumping him for the principal.
Me, after the wedding plans, would be suing the school district to get me a nice cash settlement. **** POSOM and wife and feed their sorry ass fishheads.


----------



## 346745

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> This threads OP is typical of many men who come on here, learn of the deception, and then cannot take the necessary steps to extricate themselves from infidelity. It is the worst pain I have ever known and shakes you to the core of your soul. However, one has to decide what their tolerance level is for betrayal.
> 
> He seems scared to face the reality of his current situation. Sadly, his wife is pondering dumping him for the principal.
> Me, after the wedding plans, would be suing the school district to get me a nice cash settlement. **** POSOM and wife and feed their sorry ass fishheads.


I don't know if the school district would have to pay him a dime. The principal could be losing his job. She might, too. But as far as money goes, I don't think so. (I am a reporter who has covered many school districts)


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## jonty30

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know if the school district would have to pay him a dime. The principal could be losing his job. She might, too. But as far as money goes, I don't think so. (I am a reporter who has covered many school districts)


If he breached ethics, there is no reason to pay him out past the school year.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know if the school district would have to pay him a dime. The principal could be losing his job. She might, too. But as far as money goes, I don't think so. (I am a reporter who has covered many school districts)


Oh yes they may have to pay. Where I live a friend’s wife was propositioned by a superior and she slept with him at a conference. My friend found out. Filed for divorce, sued the district and got a nice six figures.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know if the school district would have to pay him a dime. The principal could be losing his job. She might, too. But as far as money goes, I don't think so. (I am a reporter who has covered many school districts)


You have probably seen a lot of ******** as a reporter I would assume. Truest words ever set to music by Billy Currington “God is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy.”


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## Tdbo

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know if the school district would have to pay him a dime. The principal could be losing his job. She might, too. But as far as money goes, I don't think so. (I am a reporter who has covered many school districts)


Technically they wouldn't if the person breached their contract.
However, many times the decision is made using the proverbial "Path of least resistance."
In the first example I gave, the solution was simple.
The principal was in the last year of his contract. Termination proceedings (and possible law suit/due process) regarding the principal would have lengthened the situation, and caused undesired drama for the district. It was easier (and cheaper) to let him ride out the last few months of his contract at a desk in purgatory.
It really comes down to the fortitude of the Superintendent and the BOE. Some will stand up for their principles, cost and publicity be damned. Others will do a cost/benefit analysis, and will take the cheapest way out. Others may simply break out the checkbook, and swing the pen to make the drama go away.
I doubt that the teacher is going anywhere (unless it is of her own volition.) Between the Principal abusing his position, and Union intervention (if there is one and she is a member) she will probably cruise by somewhat proverbially battered and bruised.
BTW, 31 years in Education, 22 years as an Administrator.


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## QuietRiot

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> You have probably seen a lot of ****** as a reporter I would assume. Truest words ever set to music by Billy Currington “God is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy.”


Thanks for the ear worm. Sticking my tongue at you.


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## 346745

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> You have probably seen a lot of ****** as a reporter I would assume. Truest words ever set to music by Billy Currington “God is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy.”


Lots


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## manwithnoname

HelpMarriedMan said:


> *Edit - I edited the context story out in case they are also on this site or thinking about browsing on it. I don’t want them to know the plan moving forward for me to catch them. Time will tell.I have received different input from everyone. I have been keeping up with this thread just taking it all in. Some of its hard to digest as you would expect. I truly appreciate everyone’s response and help.
> 
> I’m going to figure out more of what’s going on. the more I have read, I wish I would of done things different without the confrontation up front and let it play out instead of doing it in the heat of the moment.
> 
> As much as everyone says that it has involved sex, Surprisingly from the texts I have seen with my own eyes between them it has not gotten to that far based on conversation responses and these were texts from the day I found out, so nothing could of happened after this.
> 
> I’m not fully giving up and letting it go tho as this could rekindle between them. I’m takin the steps to be prepared. I want to catch more than what I have found out. So I have a VAR on the way to put in the vehicle. I’m trying to play the role of not pushing on it to see if it gets reconnected. If it’s made it as far as we all think, then I feel if I push on it much they will take a short break until they think I’m off the trail. So I’m going to put the VAR in the car and see if I can catch them. Of course there is ways around a VAR in her car, tracking her phone, camera hidden in the house etc.
> 
> *I’ll be going out of town soon for work* , so this is going to play out where they feel as this connnection can happen again without the phone calls and texts that they know I can see. Someone will slip up.


Hire a PI for this time. If they get together, they won't be texting what they're doing. In fact, since you already confronted them, they are likely going to be more careful anyway, and will be using apps that don't save the messages, or code phrases related to work stuff.
If you're gone for a few days, a lot can happen that you may never know/find out about. 
Hire a PI.


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## Rus47

manwithnoname said:


> Hire a PI for this time. If they get together, they won't be texting what they're doing. In fact, since you already confronted them, they are likely going to be more careful anyway, and will be using apps that don't save the messages, or code phrases related to work stuff.
> If you're gone for a few days, a lot can happen that you may never know/find out about.
> Hire a PI.


Evidently OP is away on work, maybe left this room. Somehow most betrayed don't seem to go the PI route, maybe they are too expensive. But that would seem the quickest and most straightforward way to zero in on the facts and eliminate the hopium. I think he mentioned already buying a VAR and camera to play PI himself.

Wouldn't it be easier to just throw the task back on the wayward and make THEM prove that their activities weren't nefarious? Which in this case is impossible for her to prove. She has an affair going with a person from her workplace. I mean she admitted to kissing the principal. Does OP think if HE were in principal's place that a kiss would be the end of the encounter, or the beginning of foreplay?!?. There are text messages proving she wanted to marry another man. Isn't that enough to file paperwork? Whether they had sex, oral or otherwise, is really rather irrelevant.


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## 346745

manwithnoname said:


> Hire a PI for this time. If they get together, they won't be texting what they're doing. In fact, since you already confronted them, they are likely going to be more careful anyway, and will be using apps that don't save the messages, or code phrases related to work stuff.
> If you're gone for a few days, a lot can happen that you may never know/find out about.
> Hire a PI.


Brilliant idea. Well worth the $. Get the proof these two are ****ing, and he has all he needs. Soon going through the Big D and don’t mean Dallas.


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## Tdbo

Rus47 said:


> Wouldn't it be easier to just throw the task back on the wayward and make THEM prove that their activities weren't nefarious? Which in this case is impossible for her to prove. She has an affair going with a person from her workplace. I mean she admitted to kissing the principal. Does OP think if HE were in principal's place that a kiss would be the end of the encounter, or the beginning of foreplay?!?. There are text messages proving she wanted to marry another man. Isn't that enough to file paperwork? Whether they had sex, oral or otherwise, is really rather irrelevant.


The more that I have read, researched, and thought through these types of situations; the more that I have come to the conclusion that this is the best path in these situations.
Put the pressure on the perpetrator to fix/clean up their own mess.
Just file on her a** and put the burden on her.
This is the quickest and best way to defog her (if possible), see if there is any true remorse, and put the OP in the catbird seat for the best possible outcome (for him.)
All he needs is to get her phone (or phones) before she can wipe them. Everything is there he needs.
From what OP said, she probably only has the one phone.
From the bit he has said, there is enough there to blow up the Principal's career, and at a minimum, put his wife and her career into the "Broken Toy Bin" of the district.
The only way her defense stands up is if she physically is a five year old girl that still plays with her Barbies. She simply kisses the guy and then starts plotting the Wedding? Puhllllllllllllllllllllleeze!
OP needs to get her phone and start the devastation process.
Lawyer up, Great White style, and get her served.
Meet with the Superintendent of the district and work the BOE. Give Loverboy a reason to update his resume.
Do the gruntwork with family/friends, then sit back and watch the show.
BURN. BABY. BURN!


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## 346745

Tdbo said:


> The more that I have read, researched, and thought through these types of situations; the more that I have come to the conclusion that this is the best path in these situations.
> Put the pressure on the perpetrator to fix/clean up their own mess.
> Just file on her a** and put the burden on her.
> This is the quickest and best way to defog her (if possible), see if there is any true remorse, and put the OP in the catbird seat for the best possible outcome (for him.)
> All he needs is to get her phone (or phones) before she can wipe them. Everything is there he needs.
> From what OP said, she probably only has the one phone.
> From the bit he has said, there is enough there to blow up the Principal's career, and at a minimum, put his wife and her career into the "Broken Toy Bin" of the district.
> The only way her defense stands up is if she physically is a five year old girl that still plays with her Barbies. She simply kisses the guy and then starts plotting the Wedding? Puhllllllllllllllllllllleeze!
> OP needs to get her phone and start the devastation process.
> Lawyer up, Great White style, and get her served.
> Meet with the Superintendent of the district and work the BOE. Give Loverboy a reason to update his resume.
> Do the gruntwork with family/friends, then sit back and watch the show.
> BURN. BABY. BURN!


“Disco Inferno” (burn, baby, burn). Seriously, she did kiss him, right on his manhood. She’s gotta go.


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## Tdbo

Longtime Hubby said:


> “Disco Inferno” (burn, baby, burn). Seriously, she did kiss him, right on his manhood. She’s gotta go.


Then used her "Burnishing Tool" on the boy.
OP has some serious processing to do.
In my world, she'd go curbside. 
However, OP has to do what is right for him.


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## Tested_by_stress

OP,I know you are still reading this thread. You are a young man but trust me, that changes faster than you would like. It is going to take you a long time to trust her again if in fact, you ever do begin to trust her. Do you really want to waste that precious time on someone who is clearly not who you thought she was? You'll be 30 soon and 40 follows all too quickly. As for him, I would do my very best to see that he doesn't hold that position of authority going forward. He is scum.


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## re16

Do not get her pregnant. I repeat, do not get her pregnant. It’s not an uncommon move for wayward wife to attempt to save the marriage with a pregnancy.


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## re16

I just for some reason went back to page one and saw the your update as an edit of the original post.

Good news on the VAR and I think laying low / not pushing / furthering the confront is a good move in an attempt to gather more info. Sounds like your trip out of town may be a good time to get more intel... are you now back from that trip?


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## re16

HelpMarriedMan said:


> *Edit - I edited the context story out in case they are also on this site or thinking about browsing on it. I don’t want them to know the plan moving forward for me to catch them. Time will tell.I have received different input from everyone. I have been keeping up with this thread just taking it all in. Some of its hard to digest as you would expect. I truly appreciate everyone’s response and help.
> 
> I’m going to figure out more of what’s going on. the more I have read, I wish I would of done things different without the confrontation up front and let it play out instead of doing it in the heat of the moment.
> 
> As much as everyone says that it has involved sex, Surprisingly from the texts I have seen with my own eyes between them it has not gotten to that far based on conversation responses and these were texts from the day I found out, so nothing could of happened after this.
> 
> I’m not fully giving up and letting it go tho as this could rekindle between them. I’m takin the steps to be prepared. I want to catch more than what I have found out. So I have a VAR on the way to put in the vehicle. I’m trying to play the role of not pushing on it to see if it gets reconnected. If it’s made it as far as we all think, then I feel if I push on it much they will take a short break until they think I’m off the trail. So I’m going to put the VAR in the car and see if I can catch them. Of course there is ways around a VAR in her car, tracking her phone, camera hidden in the house etc.
> 
> I’ll be going out of town soon for work , so this is going to play out where they feel as this connnection can happen again without the phone calls and texts that they know I can see. Someone will slip up.


Update above in case anyone missed it.


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## Evinrude58

I just don’t understand, he saw they were planning on getting married, she’s claimed “we kissed twice”…. What more does one need??? Just let the cheater go. No need for any other info. They were just joking…… riiiggghht…..


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## thunderchad

Your marriage is over. You never, ever stay with a cheating woman.


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## Evinrude58

I’m disappointed he’s not going nuclear and pulling this passive “I want to catch her” route of stalling and delaying action.
This never ever ends well. If he blew up her fantasy by filing divorce and exposing the OM, he might have had a chance at an ill-chosen but possible relationship with her or getting out fast and healing properly.

All OP is doing now is putting his head in the sand and praying she’ll suddenly stop cheating and start loving him again. It’s a shame but this just isn’t how this works. It just doesn’t happen.

OP—- she’s caught red handed. Your wife is in love with another man. Face it and get out of this painful situation. You don’t really have a choice. She’s not gonna stay if she’s pining away for her “soulmate”. You’re just adding to your pain by allowing her a total lack of consequences.


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## re16

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m disappointed he’s not going nuclear and pulling this passive “I want to catch her” route of stalling and delaying action.
> This never ever ends well. If he blew up her fantasy by filing divorce and exposing the OM, he might have had a chance at an ill-chosen but possible relationship with her or getting out fast and healing properly.
> 
> All OP is doing now is putting his head in the sand and praying she’ll suddenly stop cheating and start loving him again. It’s a shame but this just isn’t how this works. It just doesn’t happen.
> 
> OP—- she’s caught red handed. Your wife is in love with another man. Face it and get out of this painful situation. You don’t really have a choice. She’s not gonna stay if she’s pining away for her “soulmate”. You’re just adding to your pain by allowing her a total lack of consequences.


Well said, she's given OP a huge gift by showing her true colors pre-kids. He has a chance to dodge the bullet that was surely coming his way.


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## Davit Bek

While there are many ways to handle this situation, all roads should end in divorce. The reason is not just punitive, or even mostly punitive. It is the fact that marriage to a woman who has stepped out (including kissing, or anything physical) becomes an even riskier deal than it already is. Marriage can take away your financial resources, your time, and worst of all your children. If you don't have any of those, cut your loss and move on. Equally important though is to learn. Use this experience to learn how to be a good man who leads his family through life and is admired by them.


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## Casual Observer

Hurthusband77 said:


> I do have to say though….my dday (1 of 3) was 6+ years ago and what I’ve learned through experiencing it first hand and being part of these forums for about as long is that what most people get on dday is very, very rarely the truth. I think what a lot of folks here are doing is providing you with solid advise and an honest, unbiased opinion looking in based on what you have told us. We do tend to see things as worst case, but you know why, because “most” of the time, it is.
> I can think of one instance where a BH caught on to his WW’s EA and was ruthless in dealing with it. She and her AP hadn’t made it physical yet but only because he caught it when it was a week or so old. She admitted it would have gotten physical had he not confronted, showed strength and such resolve, he snapped her out of her “fog” (can’t stand that term).


I got the truth on d-day, but not from my wife. From her I got massive gas-lighting. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing that it’s gas-lighting or hoping she’s telling the truth.


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## BoSlander

Evinrude58 said:


> she’s claimed “we kissed twice”


That is a euphemism for "we had sex 20 times."

I remember reading an article titled something like "the lifeline of a lie" years ago. It was based on a well-known adultery case and it depicted how a simple lie becomes something else and snowballs into insanely larger issues when not confronted. If my memory serves me right, when a person cheats (meaning the affair has advanced to the PA stage,) the cheat-er and the cheat-ee will go to great lengths to NOT talk about the fact that they are having an active sex life together. Eventually the people involved start incorporating sexual innuendo, but that is toward the later stages of the affair.

SOOOO, if it sounds like they are not having sex, they most likely are. And have been all along.


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