# Never got over it:'(



## Alwaysandforever (Mar 13, 2012)

Hi all. I think I'm ruining my marriage. We've been together for 12 years since I was 16, married now for almost 7 years, 2 kids together. This might get long so I apologize in advance. 

One year after we started dating he left me for someone else who was promiscuous and had me for dessert whenever he called. I was drug through the mud over and over til their "relationship" ended. He continued to tell me he loved me this whole time and we would be back together soon, I guess I just had to wait til his fun ran out. We got back together and here I am. For a about a year or 2 after, this subject would come up every now and again then it just was in the back of my mind. 

Now 12 years later it is all I can think of, things he said, things I didn't but should've, awful things he did to me, and stupid idiotic things I did to "win" him back. I re-live every little detail and try to analyze it (not that I want to). I tell him just about everything so he knows how I feel and then some. It's probably not a very good idea to tell him all the things I think but I just want to really know how he feels. Last night after sex he asked me if I still love him, and I do, I've always loved him it broke my heart when he left me and I chased him and done stupid childish things to keep him. He told me I hardly smile anymore and he just wishes after sex he would see me smile. I told him I don't really know how he feels about me and started talking about the affair. I told him that I was a child at the time and now that I'm older I regret not doing things I see now that I should have. It might not have turned out the same, it may have, but I think I would be happier with myself had I done some of these things. 

For the past few years he was watching porn on a regular basis and I was not getting any on a regular basis. A month ago I caught him looking at it and he canceled the internet on his phone and hopefully hasn't looked at it since. 

It's very confusing for me and probably even him. I just feel like I'm not what he wants. He left me when we first got together, looked at porn for the past 4 years and not giving me any. I don't know what to think, sometimes I think he's not attracted to me though I'm not bad looking but a little chunky. Other times I think I'm not *****y enough, that is what she was after all and all those porn women. Sometimes I even think that he wishes he was still with her. 

I hate thinking these things it makes me sad, hurt and resentful towards him. Logic tells me that he loves me but looking back which I so hate to do makes me wonder how much if any. I can't see myself without him but I can't see these thoughts going away if I am with him. I want to know that I'm the one he wants to be with, that I'm the only woman in his heart. I don't know how he can "prove" this to me or even IF he can. 

I just don't know what to do. I hate bringing it up b/c I think it makes him think of her, but I can't help to b/c of the way it makes me feel. I know it was a decade ago and all and we were kids but it has ruined me then and now. He can see it written on my face:'( Please HELP!!!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You want to know if he loves you? After 12 years?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Everybody does stupid **** in high school. The point is now is not high school any longer. I would let that point go. The point I would focus on however is your husband's porn addiction. I say addiction, because it is affecting your sex life. I would have a very serious conversation about the effect this has on your self-esteem. Also, I might be reaching here, but it seems like you are down on your self-image as a result of all the past events. It seems that it bothers you the way he makes you feel. Does he put you down? If it's too hard for you to say it to him at home, perhaps try marriage counceling? It would be good to get all these thoughts out and talk them over. If you feel like all these things are ruining your marriage, I believe that it's your best bet. Good luck.


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## Alwaysandforever (Mar 13, 2012)

Well yes! That's why I'm writing this! I want these feelings to go away!!! As I said LOGIC tells me he does but since these memories are still here it HARD to know the truth. I came for HELP thanks for yours!!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The point is when he loves, the porn addiction fades away.


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## Alwaysandforever (Mar 13, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Everybody does stupid **** in high school. The point is now is not high school any longer. I would let that point go. The point I would focus on however is your husband's porn addiction. I say addiction, because it is affecting your sex life. I would have a very serious conversation about the effect this has on your self-esteem. Also, I might be reaching here, but it seems like you are down on your self-image as a result of all the past events. It seems that it bothers you the way he makes you feel. Does he put you down? If it's too hard for you to say it to him at home, perhaps try marriage counceling? It would be good to get all these thoughts out and talk them over. If you feel like all these things are ruining your marriage, I believe that it's your best bet. Good luck.


Thank you for your advice! I do have poor self esteem and I'm sure it does not help the situation any. He is very great to me not as affectionate as I like but he is great especially through all the hard times I've gave him. I've thought of going to counseling and have brought that up to him. He is not interested so I thought I'd go by myself and he doesn't see a need for that either. I think he thinks I will leave him. 

I know you all think I'm crazy seeing as how the first reply wasn't very helpful and I'd have to agree. I just can't quit thinking about it and it drives me insane thats what I'm here for. Please be nice to me I'm trying my best. Thanks


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Now, why dont you get to sit with him and have an open and honest discussion?
Can you both get MC?


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## Alwaysandforever (Mar 13, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> The point is when he loves, the porn addiction fades away.


What do you mean?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I suggest you start open communication and marriage counseling. 

This is very similar to rug sweeping, which is partly what you did in order to win him back from the OW. Now your resentment as built up all these year to the point where you cannot stand it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Alwaysandforever said:


> What do you mean?


I wanted to say if he starts loving you, his porn addiction will fade. Since there is no love at present, he turns to porn.


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## Alwaysandforever (Mar 13, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Now, why dont you get to sit with him and have an open and honest discussion?
> Can you both get MC?


We have discussed it over the years and its just like beating a dead horse. I resent him for doing it and it feels like he resents me for bringing it up. I do forgive him and will always love him its just the forgetting I cant do. But I need to to be happy. I just don't know how.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

He seems like the most defiantly has a wandering eye problem. Maybe not toward women in your community or women he knows, but porn is still wandering eyes. It's especially a problem if it's effecting your sex life.

There is no doubt that the loves you. He just has a problem. I'd try to focus more on that and getting out more with some pals (doing g-rated things of course like getting nails done or going to chick-flicks). Having a couple of close friends to talk to about this and ones you know will keep it privet are like gold. Mine have helped me get through many rough patches (even if some of their advice was crap). Anyway, if your wondering if he loves you. Yes, I believe he does.


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