# Dealing with consequences of affair



## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

I've been in a major mid-life crisis. Married 31 yrs, 5 kids over age 20. Recently had my first (and LAST) affair which lasted a few months. Started out as friends .... ended with having sex once. My H is devastated. He still loves me and wants to make it work and we had been moving forward.... until I resumed contact via internet with the OM. Believe me, I know that was the wrong thing to do, but what's done is done now. My H found out and is in severe depression and paranoia now. He's obsessed with wanting to know what I'm thinking all the time, wondering if I'm going to leave him, etc.. I feel horrible for what I have done to him and really want to make things better but I know it will take a long time. In the mean time I'm just wondering if I've ruined my poor H for good. I feel lower than dirt knowing that I did this to him. I don't know how to even talk to him anymore. He has tons of anxiety, has lost almost 50 lbs. This is getting to be more than I can bear and I just don't know if its even fixable anymore. How do people get through this kind of thing??


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

riverwlkr said:


> I've been in a major mid-life crisis. Married 31 yrs, 5 kids over age 20. Recently had my first (and LAST) affair which lasted a few months. Started out as friends .... ended with having sex once. My H is devastated. He still loves me and wants to make it work and we had been moving forward.... until I resumed contact via internet with the OM. Believe me, I know that was the wrong thing to do, but what's done is done now. My H found out and is in severe depression and paranoia now. He's obsessed with wanting to know what I'm thinking all the time, wondering if I'm going to leave him, etc.. I feel horrible for what I have done to him and really want to make things better but I know it will take a long time. In the mean time I'm just wondering if I've ruined my poor H for good. Everyone around us can see how terrible he looks. Its embarrassing and makes me feel lower than dirt knowing that I did this to him. I don't know how to even talk to him anymore. He has tons of anxiety, has lost almost 50 lbs. I really think he's loved me too much and I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living. This is getting to be more than I can bear and I just don't know if its even fixable anymore. How do people get through this kind of thing?? I sometimes think that I should leave so that he can move on with his life and quit being so obsessed with me. What do I do???


It's all part of what happens to the LS. I've been there. I started IC a few months post d-day, and it kept me going. I also had to go on anti depressant med's for a time. Leaving is his decision, if he wants you, stay with him. You can have a major roll in helping him heal from this. Tell him whatever he wants to know, reassure him often and sincerely. Be honest in all things, and talk openly about what you think happened and why. Don't ever blame him for you choices. Your relationship can recover, but it will be different and can be stronger and closer than before, good luck to you both.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You have to be patient, he is still in shock and needs time to cope with the betrayal of trust. You do not owe it to him to leave, it would not do him any favors at this point... trust me, from my own experience, if you leave right now his pain will double and then some, not only will he be living with the knowledge that you gave yourself to another man despite him having devoted the past three decades to you, its bad enough that you shattered his trust and now has to live with the visuals of you getting your sexual satisfaction outside of your relationship, but that you also now want to leave him.

The question you need to ask is what do YOU want? And realize it will take some time, possibly a long time, for you to be ready to really answer this question because if you got any satisfaction from your affair (and you must have since you recontacted the OM) then you are still highly under the influence of that affair. If you want to actually save your marriage and make it better, then you show him you are willing to do whatever it takes. It is also completely HIS choice whether he wants to give you the gift of reconciliation or to end the marriage, but from what you said he is still in the process of grieving right now and can't make that decision until he is back in a rational state of mind. Leaving him does not help.

From my experience, when my W cheated I wish she could have just put everything on hold for a bit instead of making all kinds of rash decisions and doing irrepairable damage, she likes to burn bridges and it has made my decision clear to me, but definitely didn't help me cope with the pain at all, just made it excrutiatingly intense. Putting things on hold means, no contact with OM, complete transparency and honesty with your H, let him ask any questions he needs to ask, put your sexual needs on the shelf until things heal over. then you both can start working on your marriage again together and with help.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Are you in your late 50's, early 60's

Do you really want your H---to go at this point in your life---do you wanna go into your golden years as a single

Are you really involving yourself in an exit A.

How really bad could your mge., have been???? What were you really looking for, with your A., and then continued contact---you knew the continued contact would stab a fatal wound thru your H's, heart---what is it that you want?????


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I really think he's loved me too much and I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living. This is getting to be more than I can bear and I just don't know if its even fixable anymore."- This sounds pretty insensitive to me right here. So, your telling us that your husbands only fault was "loving you too much." I give up- Freud once said "What do women want?" Yeah... really. If its not enough love; its too much love. I think you've checked-out of this marriage already by the sound of your tone.

"I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living."- WOW... just WOW.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey River------go further down the page and read the story of KBEN---it might give you a little insight about what to do, with your own situation


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

River I hope you take this in the spirit in which is meant. I just want you to reframe your thinking and if you are sincere, repentant and love your husband, I am certain you will not take this in the wrong way. 

First step is to put yourself in his shoes, and suffer along with him. That will half his burden of pain. The fact that you want to abandon him when he needs you the most is exceptionally careless. You do not want to witness the devastation you have caused, who then? Why do you think he should bear this alone.

It seems to me that a person who is truly sorry would want to stay and mitigate the damage. I think staying and experiencing his pain with him takes a deep sense of love and compassion and remorse. I may be wrong but, you appear to care about yourself and what you are going through. 

You were married to this man for thirty years. I am going to assume during that time, he provided for you and loved you. You returned his love by betraying, humiliating and sending him into depression and self doubt. I wonder that you can think of yourself at this point. Do you think your heart is cold and hard? 

He loves you too much you say? You are highly unlikely to ever be loved that way again, i think. Anyway, when he gets over this initial painful period he is llikey not to see yoi and love you the same way he did before your betrayal. So the too much love may take care of itself. Do you return any of his love? 

If he were posting I would ask him is his if he loves the person his wife truly what his loving nature wants her to be. I would ask him to really look at this person as she is - lacking the character, control and thoughtfulness to be loyal to a man who has given her love for 30 years. Moreover, a woman who seem to take his too much love for granted. Is she really the type of person he would love. 

I think when be recovers himself he may see the person you truly are and find you unworthy of his love. It happens - after an initial attempt at recomsiliation the LS begins to think realistically and decide to leave maybe it takes a year or two. 

If you are sincere read about recovery from infidelity and I suggest a book that can help you and your husband entitled "how can I forgive" by Janet? Abraham it is available for download from Amazon. .

I know this sounds rather mean but you need mean to make you take stock. Try to take the focus off of you and put it where it belongs. You have done an very bad thing to this man and you seem cavalier and self- centered. Maybe that's why you betrayed him in the first place. I hope you will take what I said not as a criticism but a call to your better self which appears to me to be anemic and weak. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "I really think he's loved me too much and I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living. This is getting to be more than I can bear and I just don't know if its even fixable anymore."- This sounds pretty insensitive to me right here. So, your telling us that your husbands only fault was "loving you too much." I give up- Freud once said "What do women want?" Yeah... really. If its not enough love; its too much love. I think you've checked-out of this marriage already by the sound of your tone.
> 
> "I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living."- WOW... just WOW.


Makes sense. Then she could have her space and he would not be c0ckblocking.


----------



## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "I really think he's loved me too much and I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living. This is getting to be more than I can bear and I just don't know if its even fixable anymore."- This sounds pretty insensitive to me right here. So, your telling us that your husbands only fault was "loving you too much." I give up- Freud once said "What do women want?" Yeah... really. If its not enough love; its too much love. I think you've checked-out of this marriage already by the sound of your tone.
> 
> "I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living."- WOW... just WOW.


I think this is normal for a woman to say. she clearly doesnt love her husband at all. and a woman out of love is as cold as if she never met you... story has been told a thousand times.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think that deep down, she WANTS her H to leave her. Then she can carry on the A with a clear conscience.

I love how she said her "first-and LAST affair", and then she contacted the OM again.

Then she said that sometimes she thinks that she should leave him.

Yep, what she really wants is her H out of the picture, and to pick up where she left with the OM.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So your only consequence for the maggaige is now you have a zombie for a husband?

Maybe it would be easier for you if you gave your self back to him and called him 5 or six times a day. Try being accountable for your time by giving him your reciepts. Does he have full access to your cell phone and computor?

Have you kneeled at his feet and asked for his punishment? what have you told him about the affair? Are you willing to answer all his ughly and painful question about the OM.

I know this sh8t is hard to do especially the details but my wife told me what I needed to know, she has recieved her spanking and has fully submitted to my needs for healing. She account for her time and makes no excuse to not turn in a reciept, her time card, pay stub,cell, and the words of remores and graditude for taking her back.
She has laid down everything at my feet and has only asked one thing...my love. 

She has to trust me that I won't go back to the old "the guy" she has to trust that I will continue my 180 and stick with my healthier behaviors. As she continues her efforts I find it very healing in continueing mine.

Its easy to forgive when your cheating spouse does the heavy lifting to get the LS out of there funk.

The greatest thing you can do right now is call him all the time...I.m talken when you get to work, at break, at lunch, when you leave. something about just checking in to say were your at and asking if theres any thing you can do or just saying I love you will mean alot.

Or forget everything I just said and take him to a strip club ,by him a hooker and drop him off at the bar, maybe he'll meet some "friends".


----------



## AnAvgDude (Jun 20, 2011)

River...

You had a glimpse of a 2nd chance when you said "first and last affair", you should have been thankful at that point and not made contact. The contact could be the nail in the coffin for your marriage. 

What to do? Tell him "I am sorry" a thousand times, then keep on telling him. It will never be enough... so tell him everyday.

After all that, it will still be up to him whether he wants to leave.

I know this because I have lived this scenario in your H's shoes. I gave my W a 2nd chance and she violated the NC. That was the final straw for me.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah its what happens to a guy when he is in love with his wife. Some men pour their lives into their wives and marriages. I'm that way. But by the way you speak of him, you have lost any and all respect for him. 

When people remark about your husbands appearance, and you are so embarrassed. Do you tell them why he looks that way? Like "Oh yeah he looks that way because I ripped the heart out of his chest and stomped on it by having affair with another man and then not breaking it off clean". I hope he is in therapy. Men in this state are more then capable of taking their own lives. 

"I wish he could just get some hobby and some other friends so that I'm not his sole reason for living." That has got to be about the cruelest thing I have heard come out of a wayward wife. What that is called is CONTEMPT. It shows how little respect you have for him and actually shows that you don't love him. A marriage can survive the death of parent, a sibling and even a child. It can survive affairs. But contempt is one thing a marriage can't survive. Because it shows a completely dehumanizing disrespect for another. And its peppered throughout your post. Get some help for him or ask someone who actually cares about him, a family member maybe.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Its toooo bad your H.---does not leave you

You might find after 30 yrs of being a couple----that being a single, isn't quite what you want

The reality of it is, you will do EVERYTHING for yourself, and you will PAY all your own bills, and they KEEP coming month after month, after month---WHETHER YOU HAVE MONEY OR NOT

You might just find you desperately NEED this innocent man who has been your loving partner for over 30 yrs----the man who you have trampled upon---let us only hope he can raise himself from the depths, and move on with or w/out you


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

See ladies... men aren't the only one's who are insensitive A-holes.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Divorce him before you hurt him more. You don't care.


----------



## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

Wow, I really set myself up for a whipping. I'm wishing I would have worded my post a little better as it really did come across as very cruel and selfish. There really is a lot more to this story that I didn't mention . . . the reason being that I'm very low on mental energy right now (and it takes a *lot* of mental energy to lay this kind of thing out on the table). 

Ah well, I deserved that. I appreciate the good words of advice that were offered also. Next time I decide to post I'll take a lot more time and choose my words very carefully. Lesson learned.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

riverwlkr said:


> until I resumed contact via internet with the OM. Believe me, I know that was the wrong thing to do, but what's done is done now. My H found out and is in severe depression and paranoia now. He's obsessed with wanting to know what I'm thinking all the time, wondering if I'm going to leave him, etc.. I feel horrible for what I have done to him and really want to make things better but I know it will take a long time. In the mean time I'm just wondering if I've ruined my poor H for good.


Just so you know, your husband is not being paranoid about your cheating. It is a normal reaction to not trust a deceptive person cheating on you.

What others have told you, if you are truly wanting to fix things you have to stop thinking about yourself.

Your selfishness is glaringly obvious.

Fix this.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> See ladies... men aren't the only one's who are insensitive A-holes.



But unlike women, we don't call it a virtue of empowerment either.


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

riverwlkr said:


> Next time I decide to post I'll take a lot more time and choose my words very carefully. Lesson learned.


Chose your words very carefully when speaking to your husband too! 

Better still, try some action. A wink, a loving affectionate touch just to let him know you really do care about his wellbeing. Show it in ways that he understands. 

A man who cares about his wife doesn't expect sex he does things to make her feel desired, he spends time with her and the love is returned. Sex is a natural by product. When a spouse invests their time elsewhere is causes a total disconnect in a marriage. 

Help your husband to help himself. You both need to show you care about each other.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Yeah... no doubt Runs, we're just A-holes by force of nature.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

We use the wrong head to think sometimes! Women can't.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

8 I think woman can make stupid decisions when they think below the belt, but it is not called that when a woman does it. 

It interesting that you answer with concerns about yourself. There was so much about your husband in the post and that seems to have escaped you. Your feelings seem to eclispe everything . 

It is not so much what you wrote, it a reflection of how you reason and your attitude towards your husband. Read over your post and examine your heart. If your husband cheated on you and he wrote what you wrote here, how would you feel? 

BTW you still have a 50% chance that he will cheat on you with a warm woman who looks up to him if he decides to stay with you. So you may get a taste of your own medicine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great post Catherine. This lady definitely needs to turn the lights on and look in the mirror. As well as looking carefully at how much pain her husband is in as a result of her actions. Look at the heart on the floor she has run through a meat grinder.


----------



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I was wondering.
what your kids think about the whole thing


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hold on people! How is she selfish and acting like an a-hole? While I cannot stand cheaters, her post was about asking for advice on how to help her husband get through this devastation and you barbecued her for it! 
She came here for support and advice and all she got was nasty responses and name calling. WTF?!
Disgusting.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Maybe if you had gotten to read her entire post before she edited out the last part, you would see her in a less flattering light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

All right everybody - - I got it, okay?! I am an A*hole! I don't need to hear it anymore. 

As I mentioned earlier, there is a lot more to this than I said but I'm not going to even try to bring it to light here now. No more forums for me. I expected a _few_ bashings as its just a chance one takes posting on a public forum, and I wasn't looking for any validation or sympathy for what I've done. . . but Ya, I deserved it all. Thanks for letting me have it. 

So long. On my way to Hell and deservedly so.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Maybe if you had gotten to read her entire post before she edited out the last part, you would see her in a less flattering light.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did. Oaksthorne clipped it. She is saying that her husband is now obsessed with her and she is worried that he has nothing else to live for. She sees his pain daily and is worried about him. I didn't see her say anything that would warrant the responses. She asked for ideas on how to help him, what to do, how to put this behind them, etc. 
Look, I am NOT nor will I ever excuse cheating. This woman came here though and asked for advice and all she got was a brutal lashing and called names. It was like watching hyenas feast on a carcass and it IS disgusting.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

riverwlkr said:


> All right everybody - - I got it, okay?! I am an A*hole! I don't need to hear it anymore.
> 
> As I mentioned earlier, there is a lot more to this than I said but I'm not going to even try to bring it to light here now. No more forums for me. I expected a _few_ bashings as its just a chance one takes posting on a public forum, and I wasn't looking for any validation or sympathy for what I've done. . . but Ya, I deserved it all. Thanks for letting me have it.
> 
> So long. On my way to Hell and deservedly so.


Please stay. There are people here who can help you and your husband.


----------



## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

I think you at least deserve to hear the other side of the story without being humiliated, and beat down, and insulted.

yes what you did was wrong. 

To give you some insight as to what he is going through.. i am going through the same thing right now in my marrige. My wife of 12 years crushed me...and she never would have told me about it, i had to catch her..catch her in her lies.. which there were so many i can't even to begin to list them.

Right now, your husband is broken..his heart is broken..he is thinking to himself:

1. What did i do wrong
2. Why did this have to happen
3. What am i going to do
4. Am i ever going to be able to trust her again

When i found out my wife cheated on me it was the worse news I had ever heard in my life...and yes.. it makes the victim what I like to call a "paranoid *******" pardon the language. but to clarify what I mean.. I always wanted to know who she was talking to, where she was going, who she was texting, what she was doing on the computer.. My trust was gone.. its till is gone. She is trying to fix our relationship, but the one thing that will never ever go away; and i have told her this; what she did to me will never go away.. I think about it everyday... and that is something that your husband now will go through. 

Do you and your husband a favor.. let it all out.. everything... what pushed you to do it, problems in your relationship, everything...get it all out on the table for discussion. Even if you think there is more to the story and it will hurt him.. he deserves the truth.. and so do you. Maybe you dont even want the marrige to work with your husband.. do him a favor and just tell him so he can stop falling down a bottemless hole.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I never bashed her for it. I merely pointed out that some of what she said was a bit out of character for a person trying to R, and a bit insensitive- that's all. I do regret the A-hole reference... my apologies riverwlkr.


----------



## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Yeah... no doubt Runs, we're just A-holes by force of nature.


Translation: Because we men are born with a penis between our legs! Yeah, that's enough right there to be an *******! But women being *******s, well, that's just women being liberated! What Hypocrisy! 

And women these days wonder why a guy WON'T commit, or WON'T get married, GEE, that's a hard one to figure out!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

riverwlkr said:


> I feel horrible for what I have done to him and really want to make things better but I know it will take a long time. In the mean time I'm just wondering if I've ruined my poor H for good. I feel lower than dirt knowing that I did this to him.


I will be honest with you: your actions and the betrayal have changed your husband as a person. When someone gets cheated on by a spouse, something breaks. It's never quite the same again either. It's "the ultimate betrayal" as they say.

What do you want? Do you want your marriage or do you want to bail now? 

If you want the marriage, you need to truly empathize with him, apologize, and commit to to your marriage and completely axe contact with the OM, 100%. No if, ands, or buts about it.



michzz said:


> Just so you know, your husband is not being paranoid about your cheating. It is a normal reaction to not trust a deceptive person cheating on you.


I agree. He's not being "paranoid." Your husband is reacting as a normal person would after having been lied to again after the first timei you cheated.

Marriage counselling is a good idea. But don't even consider doing that until you completely end contact with the other man.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorry if we beat up on you, but it didn't sound like you really wanted to reconcile, at least not yet.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

She's Loooongggg gone


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I love 8years avitar. It's great.
Ok, that was off topic 

But it IS great.










Really.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Darth Vader said:


> Translation: Because we men are born with a penis between our legs! Yeah, that's enough right there to be an *******! But women being *******s, well, that's just women being liberated! What Hypocrisy!
> 
> And women these days wonder why a guy WON'T commit, or WON'T get married, GEE, that's a hard one to figure out!


That only happens when men let what is between their legs do the thinking for them. Unfortunately there is a since of entitlement that has been fostered( for eons) in the male, so that he thinks his instant gratification out weighs every other consideration. The unquestioned belief that his sexual gratification is a "need" and his wife's is an option, is the foundation on which much male cheating is based. The "being liberated" comment relates to that. It's a poor way of coping with male entitlement. Sort of " what's good for goose is good for the gander". Anyone who cheats in my opinion falls into the a-hole catogory.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> That only happens when men let what is between their legs do the thinking for them. Unfortunately there is a since of entitlement that has been fostered( for eons) in the male, so that he thinks his instant gratification out weighs every other consideration. The unquestioned belief that his sexual gratification is a "need" and his wife's is an option, is the foundation on which much male cheating is based. The "being liberated" comment relates to that. It's a poor way of coping with male entitlement. Sort of " what's good for goose is good for the gander". Anyone who cheats in my opinion falls into the a-hole catogory.


You would be very hard pressed to find the media condoning men cheating on their wives. But ironically, when the topic of wives cheating on their husbands comes up, the same media which is so ready to excoriate the cheating husbands, often is apologetic to the cheating wives and justifies it as the result of the husbands not meeting their wives emotional needs. Look at tv shows like "Desperate Housewives" and movies like "English Patient" and "Bridges of *******".

But I agree that all cheaters, male or female, are a**holes.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tiger Woods.
LeAnn Rimes.

Who lost all their sponsors, gets made fun of by Leno, O'Brien, Letterman, gets jeered at at any tournament he goes to, got destroyed in alimony and CS?

And who gets interviews with Barbara Walters, magazine covers, photos and stories of her and her new H that are fawning over how much in love they are, and will probably win a grammy for her next lousy album?


----------



## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Guys and their mistresses really do get lashed by everyone. While women and their misters get coddled and understood. Omg I used to adore bridges of ******* county... Now it makes me want to beat the crap out of the author of the book that inspired it. Her husband was a good man. Maybe if she had opened her mouth to express her needs instead of hiding in the pantry like a dipsh*t she wouldn't have needed some smoldering Clint Eastwood to bang her silly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

morituri said:


> You would be very hard pressed to find the media condoning men cheating on their wives. But ironically, when the topic of wives cheating on their husbands comes up, the same media which is so ready to excoriate the cheating husbands, often is apologetic to the cheating wives and justifies it as the result of the husbands not meeting their wives emotional needs. Look at tv shows like "Desperate Housewives" and movies like "English Patient" and "Bridges of *******".
> 
> But I agree that all cheaters, male or female, are a**holes.


Wife's have started cheating almost at same rate as males, but that is fairly recent. Historically however the male has been cultured to believe that his sexuality is a force of nature, and that he has a right to gratification. I never heard of the female "sowing her wild oats", or "girls will be girls" or any number of expression that are coined to let the male off the fidelity hook. There was no female equivalent of the works of Casanova etc. published, until fairly recent times. My own H told me he was "entitled to a little happiness" after decades in a very good marriage. His idea of happiness was a young hot W***e with no regard for either her own marriage or mine. His belief in his right to cheat was ingrained in him from childhood. Often the faithful male is referred to by other males as being "p***y whipped. It's the ever present ace up the sleeve for many males when they get bored, or whatever. Men are less forgiving of a female cheater because in their minds it is much worse for the female to cheat then it would be for him. That male infidelity has been tacitly condoned from the start of recorded history and likely before is a fact, not a speculation.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Wife's have started cheating almost at same rate as males, but that is fairly recent. Historically however the male has been cultured to believe that his sexuality is a force of nature, and that he has a right to gratification. I never heard of the female "sowing her wild oats", or "girls will be girls" or any number of expression that are coined to let the male off the fidelity hook. There was no female equivalent of the works of Casanova etc. published, until fairly recent times. My own H told me he was "entitled to a little happiness" after decades in a very good marriage. His idea of happiness was a young hot W***e with no regard for either her own marriage or mine. His belief in his right to cheat was ingrained in him from childhood. Often the faithful male is referred to by other males as being "p***y whipped. It's the ever present ace up the sleeve for many males when they get bored, or whatever. Men are less forgiving of a female cheater because in their minds it is much worse for the female to cheat then it would be for him. That male infidelity has been tacitly condoned from the start of recorded history and likely before is a fact, not a speculation.


So how does all this invalidate what I said?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I never heard of the female "sowing her wild oats", or "girls will be girls" or any number of expression that are coined to let the male off the fidelity hook.



There's no expression because the sweet young things have never in 10,000 years of organized society ever felt once the need to explain or justify it. Dear lord, a SIZABLE percentage of men in married or long term committed relationships aren't their kids biological fathers and they don't know it. 

"Girls Gone Wild": Get on videotape. "Boys Gone Wild": Mugshot


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its true, in today's world it is the nature of things. Any time a woman feels unloved or neglected, all she has to do is go on line and there will be countless men there to woo her till she spreads her legs. The internet was made for cheating women. Men don't need the internet to cheat. But women can lie to themselves that these men really care about them.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dial back on the Haterade.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's no expression because the sweet young things have never in 10,000 years of organized society ever felt once the need to explain or justify it. Dear lord, a SIZABLE percentage of men in married or long term committed relationships aren't their kids biological fathers and they don't know it.
> 
> "Girls Gone Wild": Get on videotape. "Boys Gone Wild": Mugshot


Women are still stoned to death for adultery in this day and age. They pretty much keep it to themselves in this country too. They don't get slapped on their backs and told what studs they are by their friends either. The sizable percentage of female infidelity has only lately been catching up with the even more sizable rate of the male. If a young lady did explain or justify in the past, she would either end up dead or in a convent. Infidelity is lousy no matter who commits it, but men have been and still are way ahead of women in their infidelity rate. It's just a sad fact, and it's an even sadder fact that women are doing the same in ever greater numbers. This is the lowest thing that a person can do to another person short of killing them. Girls gone wild is a male generated series featuring exhibitionists who hardly represent the rest of woman kind.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


----------

