# I'd be homeless and he'd have our children



## Anon2015 (May 27, 2015)

Hi, I really need some advice

My husband and I have been together 11 years and married for 8 of them. We've had ups and downs but it isn't the same, he says I've changed but I think he's changed. He has always been 'man' of the house, and I've been fine with that, but he has begun to go too far with it, like refusing me to go out with friends, telling me what to buy and what not to buy, I have to cook for him every night, granted he works full time and I am a stay at home mum, but he always used to do meals at weekends to give me a break, now he never does. He's also getting more irritable with me and it's getting out of control. We have tried talking it through several times but we come to a dead end, I've suggested counselling but he won't have it. I also suspect he's cheating which could be the reason for the attitude change, although I don't know that for certain. I suggested we try a trial separation as I need time to clear my head, but he won't accept that, so I said 'it's that or a divorce if you carry on like this'

Here's the problem, just before the wedding 8 years ago, his parents bought a house and furnished it telling us they were going to rent it out, but as a surprise they allowed us to live in it rent free. He has said if we separate or divorce I'll be on the streets and he'll keep the kids. I spoke to two solicitors about it and they both said as he is the biological father and has never been abusive to me or the kids he has the same entitlement to them as me, and as he would have a place to live which is their home, he would almost certainly get them if it went to court. As well as this, as the house and most of the furniture belongs to his parents, I would be entitled to none of it, only half the money we have, but since this suggestion he has transferred almost all the money to his parents account, which would leave me with a few hundred pounds at most, no furniture, no house and he'd have the kids.

I could go and live with my mum, but she lives in the north, over 5 hours away from us so I'd hardly ever see the kids and my sister could probably put me up for a few nights, but she's all full up room wise herself. I could live with my mum and apply for housing closer to the kids, but that could take years, especially if I have somewhere I can go. It seems I am backed into a corner, stay with him and be a slave or lose everything


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It might help if we knew your country. I'm assuming either the UK or Australia. 

Is there any alimony where you live?

How old are the two of you?

Have you considered getting a job? Or going back to school, either trade school and university, and getting to a point where you can support yourself and your children?

About him moving the money. You can ask your lawyer to get the bank statements showing him transferring a large portion of money out of the joint account to his parent's account.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sorry you are in this situation . I'm unfamiliar with British laws regarding divorce....is there any kind of clause for infidelity, because that is what it sounds like to me. (Start investigating)

Have you thought about getting a job?


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## Anon2015 (May 27, 2015)

Yes, I'm in UK, and no there is no clause for infidelity that I'm aware of. As far as the money goes, this is also something I mentioned to the solicitor (lawyer) and because he earned all the money I didn't feel the need for a bank account as nothing would be in there. The only account was his own, if we had a joint account I may have a case, but it was all in his name and his account, that's why he transferred it, if it was still in his account if we divorced I'd be entitled to half, but technically because it was transferred from HIS account, it means he gave his money to the parents, it's a cruel loophole.

I am looking for work but because I haven't worked for 11 years because he didn't want me to, it is hard for me to find anything. Over here they are very big on experience and if you have none, or if it was a long time ago it can take years to get a job. The kids are 7, 5 and 1


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Give this a read, it may help. 

http://www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you need to do more reading about your divorce laws. Doing a google search, it seems that you might have more rights in divorce than you think you do.

https://www.firstwivesworld.com/ind...ain-are-the-uks-divorce-laws-better-for-women

You might want to do more reading and interview more solicitors. See if you can find one that is willing to fight for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are in an abusive relationship...

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?

Does your partner ever….

> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
> Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps the best way for you to approach this is for you to find a local organization that helps women in abusive relationships. Most will provide you free counseling. They will most likely be able to help you with things like finding a job and learning what help is available to you.

Do you have any access to money at all right now?


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## Anon2015 (May 27, 2015)

A woman's group sounds like a good idea, I would have to find one during a week day, and yes I can probably get some money together. Unfortunately here in UK a lot of the reasons you listed wouldn't pass as an abusive relationship, and the ones that would are the ones he doesn't do. The ones he does do are telling me who I can and can't see, taking control of finances and asking me not to work, they are not classed as abusive here


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