# in-laws, dementia & feelings about spouse



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Hi-- hope this is in the right sub-category.

My MIL has dementia. It's been an on-going saga of DH & his siblings doing nothing for 6 years, It makes me sick that they aren't caring for their mom. She is unsafe. She has a BF who is there but he wants out. They have all told me to stay out of it, but what they are doing -- or not doing -- is awful. I cry all the time & it causes the worst fights of my marriage. 

Short of calling adult protective services & having them put MIL on a critical list, what can I do? 

If I can't do anything how do I stop feeling so powerless & more importantly how do I stop resenting my husband? I am growing to dislike him immensely over this. I can't believe how crass & uncaring he seems. I'm losing respect for him & that is eroding our marriage. The too little too late he's doing now doesn't ease my resentment. Please help


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is there any reason he's given as to WHY he/they don't take care of her or find services for her that can help?
YOU can't force this, but it certainly should give you some insights as to your H's true nature.
Was there some sort of past issues with the mother that could indicate WHY they are acting like this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@DOnnivain remember this. The way he treats his mother is how he will treat you in similar circumstances.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Can you help her? 

It seems like a power struggle for them to be negligent, yet tell you to stay out of it.

Perhaps call a lawyer who specializes in elder care to see what your options are?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> @DOnnivain remember this. The way he treats his mother is how he will treat you in similar circumstances.


And that is exactly what terrifies me & pi$$es me off. I'm an only child & we have no kids. When I'm old, he will be my only source of help & support so now I'm trying to figure out how to protect myself with no advocate. To that end we can't impoverish ourselves to care for his mom when she & her other kids failed to plan for this.

@jlg07 up until last week they all told me mom was fine & I was over-reacting. I have been sounding the alarm that MIL needed help for 6 years. 3 years ago she was diagnosed with dementia after I begged her primary doctor to look into it. They still downplayed it. Their whole family does this about every tough issue -- buries their heads in the sand & does nothing

@minimalME -- my cousin is an elder care attorney. I know most of the options. There aren't many. MIL has no money & no assets. Medicaid in the state where she lives is minimal & will not cover the full cost of long term care in any form. DH's siblings have no money to contribute. I resent the idea that we're supposed to fully fund his mother's care by sacrificing our financial health. Remember, we don't have kids so there is nobody to take care of me when we're old. (DH is a veteran so he's covered) Lack of knowledge is not the issue. Lack of caring is.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Well, now I understand why your husband's family wants you to butt out (stop interfering).

Basically you're just complaining to everyone because they're not doing what you want them to do. 

If you're not going to help (sacrifice), then yes, mind your own business.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

What? @minimalME please help me to understand your point. If you see that about me, I need help seeing it. I think I am trying to help not boss people around but I will admit that I am bossy.

MIL is unsafe. She can't live alone. She can't cook. She can't dress herself. She's hoarding. She can't follow simple directions. She doesn't bathe. She doesn't recognize people. She can't answer a telephone or turn on the TV. MIL currently lives with a BF but he wants to move out because he can't take it anymore, nor should he have to. 

Am I really supposed to do nothing? There is not much I can do from 1,000 miles away. How am I supposed to live with myself when MIL gets hurt because they ignored her? When we are there I take her to get her hair done & to get mani pedis. It took me two hours but I finally convinced her to bathe twice while we were there. I buy her new clothes. I dress her when we are there. I do her laundry. I clean the house & make meals, including packing the freezer with stuff that can be heated in the microwave I'm trying to help, not boss people around. I took action to protect my mother when she had this. She was always safe & clean. Their mother is neither. 

I'm not telling anybody what decisions to make about their mother. I am begging them to have discussions with each other & make decisions. In June the daughter / my SIL said she was going to get mom a housekeeper. That still hasn't been done. There is a 6+ month waiting list for benefit eligibility. I encouraged them years ago to complete the forms before it was a crisis. That was finally done last week. Now we're waiting for a screening date. It takes 3+ months after the screening to determine eligibility. At that point she goes on a waiting list. By the time this funding comes through, if it does, I am worried what will happen. 

We offered to have the mom come live with us. When she still had cogntive function she said no. She doesn't want to leave FL & our harsh winters won't be good for her. We suggested the BIL who lives 20 minutes away move in with mom. He said no. My husband suggested that his sister take the mom to live with her on the west coast. She said no. It was suggested that sister move to FL to live with mom. Sister said no. Understand, DH has a good job with benefits etc. I own a business. We can't move to FL. I offered to move to FL to live with mom & let DH stay here. DH said hell no. BIL already lives there & makes 1/3 of what my husband earns. SIL runs an internet business so she can work from anywhere. There is a free standing garage on the property which she could use for inventory rather than the rent she's paying for storage now. Her husband is a musician who before Covid was only the road 10 months out of the year so it doesn't really matter what his address is. Anybody who lived with mom would get to be there rent free. DH & I already cover all the other expenses except food. 

What else can I do? What else should I do beside let this go on unabated?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> What? @minimalME please help me to understand your point. If you see that about me, I need help seeing it. I think I am trying to help not boss people around but I will admit that I am bossy.
> 
> What else can I do? What else should I do beside let this go on unabated?


I understand, and I think your heart is in the right place. But unless you're going to truly take this on and make it your own, you need to back off and accept that this is a situation you can't contol.

You're free to express your opinion until you're blue in the face, but it doesn't _change_ anything. And your family members have already shown you that they don't care.

If you want this fixed, then fix it. 

If she's in danger, and she can't think clearly, and she really shouldn't be alone, then she doesn't really get to have a say in where she goes. That time has passed.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> Am I really supposed to do nothing?


No, I think you really should do something. However, I want you to understand that what you can do is extremely limited.



D0nnivain said:


> There is not much I can do from 1,000 miles away.


That's correct. However, you can call adult protective services and drop the ball in their court.



D0nnivain said:


> How am I supposed to live with myself when MIL gets hurt because they ignored her?


If you have done something, even though it may not be hugely effectual, it will be far better than if you do nothing. You also have to face the fact that your MIL may be noncompliant even with the legal authorities.



minimalME said:


> If she's in danger, and she can't think clearly, and she really shouldn't be alone, then she doesn't really get to have a say in where she goes. That time has passed.


Correct. You have a situation in which your perspective and your MIL's children's perspective are quite different. Call in the trained, professional, arbiters to settle this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

minimalME said:


> I understand, and I think your heart is in the right place. But unless you're going to truly take this on and make it your own, you need to back off and accept that this is a situation you can't contol.


But I CAN control it & I CAN fix it if given the legal authority to act. Her kids are the decision makers. They hold her power of attorney. 

I have offered to take it all on myself relieving them of the obligation. I did it all for my mom. Also because she is an IL to me it's slightly less emotional for me. I am certainly not overwhelmed to the point of stagnation & indecision which is where they are stuck. 

You are right in the sense that I am mad & frustrated that they are not letting me help. I am a fixer. I'm not trying to shut them out, but I know the paths forward. I don't understand the stagnation & inaction other than that is the way they deal with everything -- they don't. 

I am not going to call adult protective services because that is a cluster. But I talked to DH about getting guardianship over mom & taking all decision making authority away from his do-nothing siblings. That is something I can do but it is an extreme step. Unless MIL gets physically hurt I will not take that action without DH's approval but he knows I will act if push comes to shove. I threatened my own father with me getting guardianship of my mom when my dad was trying to make unsafe decisions around my mom's care. DH was standing there when I did it so he knows I don't make idle threats & I can get things done. He claims it's one of the reasons he loves me. 

I will say, this week DH has been more proactive than I have ever seen him so that is something.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

This is why it is absolutely important as an adult to take steps to secure your care in the future when your health starts to slip. Its not easy to discuss and its not easy to deal with. I can tell you have empathy and you care. But you probably will not like my opinion. 

I honestly do not blame any of them for not wanting to get involved. People have obligations to their jobs, spouse, kids, and their own well being which in itself is a big task. I feel like you are thinking with your emotions and not your head on this. But are you really sure you want to be the one who takes responsibility for this situation? Are you sure? Its been going on for 6 years. This condition gets worse, not better. As it worsens, the emotional and physical cost on you is enormous. This is a full time 24/7 job that will involve someone who will probably degrade to the point where she becomes extremely nasty, physically violent, paranoid, delusional, and will fight you on absolutely everything. Take your attention off of her and she might be in the kitchen trying to cook and sets the house on fire. Or she might wake up at midnight and decide to go outside and wander off. Be prepared for doctors visits, expensive medications, and routines like cleaning up soiled sheets and clothing.... At full dementia, she is not going to be a lovely house guest watching TV and sipping on tea. 

And the mental and physical stress will spill over into your marriage. You are already feeling resentment because you don't think he is doing enough. It will be 1000% worse when you become completely overwhelmed and explode on him because you don't think he is doing enough. There are people who do this full time for a living and they get overwhelmed and burned out. You also mentioned hoarding. That is a separate mental health issue. It will spill over into your home. There is no reasoning with hoarders. Just watch an A&E episode of the show Hoarders. Together with dementia she seriously may without exaggeration see a gallon of spoiled solidified milk as something that is wildly valuable with the grand illusion she can sell it for a million dollars. 

I dont feel that we owe our parents or relatives anything when it comes to long term medical care like dementia. I could understand something like hip surgery and letting the person stay with you for a couple of weeks. But I would never ask or expect my daughter to put her life on hold for my care.

My advice if you really want to do something. Check back into Medicaid about paying for a Medicaid assisted living facility. If they don't 100% cover it, then try to get the family members to sign an agreement to divide up the cost difference.... But having her move in with you and your husband? You better be prepared for it to cost you your marriage, health, and drain your resources. Below is a sample of what you will be dealing with for possibly years. And this honestly isn't that bad


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Stay out of it; it's their family. The only recourse is to leave the marriage if it is unsustainable for you. 🤷‍♂️


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Reading deeper into your responses, you are something else. I get the feeling that you can't stand not to have control of any situation. 

At one point you mentioned you don't have any kids, so you don't have anyone to take care of you when you are older.....wow! How about you take steps to arrange for your own care when you are older?

I don't think this has anything at all to do with you wanting to care for someone who is over a 1,000 miles away. This is about you wanting to be in control of a situation 

If I were one of the family members, I would tell you to cease communication or I will see an attorney to try and get a restraining against you..... Seriously, leave it alone.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Reading deeper into your responses, you are something else. I get the feeling that you can't stand not to have control of any situation.
> 
> At one point you mentioned you don't have any kids, so you don't have anyone to take care of you when you are older.....wow! How about you take steps to arrange for your own care when you are older?
> 
> ...


WTH, @ThatDarnGuy!, we should all be so lucky as to have such a caring daughter-in-law in our senior years.

It sounds like D0nnivain’s mother-in-law has a bunch of adult children who are burying their heads in the sand regarding how vulnerable she has become, at this point. Either that, or they truly just don’t give a damn. 

I realize that not everyone on TAM is a Christian, but Christian or not, honoring your father and mother is still the honorable thing to do, unless of course your parents were extremely neglectful, or physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive.

I cannot comprehend why anyone here is suggesting that @D0nnivain should mind her own business. It’s her mother-in-law, it is her business.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

EI said:


> WTH, @ThatDarnGuy!, we should all be so lucky as to have such a caring daughter-in-law in our senior years.
> 
> It sounds like D0nnivain’s mother-in-law has a bunch of adult children who are burying their heads in the sand regarding how vulnerable she has become, at this point. Either that, or they truly just don’t give a damn.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying and I am sincerely not trying to be rude or nasty. I would love to have a peaceful discussion with you. 

I don't believe we owe our parents or relatives anything simply because they brought us into this world or they are related to us. When we are adults, we have our own responsibilities and that especially holds true if we are married or have children. As a Christian, when we marry we are primarily responsible for our union and family we make together. As much as we want to, we all have limitations and we can't fix everything. 

Its a fact that 100% of us will get old and need assistance to some varying degree. I feel like we should take steps to arrange for that time of need just as we take steps to prepare for inevitably retiring from work one day. 

Now dont get me wrong. I am not saying completely cut your parents off and do nothing for them. If my mom needed surgery and needed to stay for a couple of weeks to recover, I can't see how that would cause marital problems. 

But there are so many stories of broken marriages, care givers developing their own health issues, families destroying themselves, and ruined careers because of providing long term care and ignoring your immediate family and marriage.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@ThatDarnGuy! Your life choices are built around the idea that you don't owe your parents anything. Mine is the exact opposite. I believe we owe them everything. I also take the Third Commandment seriously. You can't honor your father & mother by allowing them to rot. You & I will never see eye to eye on this & that is OK. We don't need to persuade each other. 

As for my need to be in control, that is a valid assessment of me. But I also ascribe to the lead, follow or get out of the way. In a leadership vacuum somebody has to step up. I have asked her kids to act but they won't. My husband is now starting to take this more seriously so I have calmed down. I understand the strain caring for my MIL will put on my marriage. We already survived this when we did it for my parents. It's not new to us & it's not that stressful. There will be enough money for some PT in home care. We can manage the rest. 

Nobody is going to get a restraining order against me. Those are reserved for violent people who present a danger to someone. I am not violent or dangerous, even if I am opinionated. . My desire to help -- even if unwelcome -- will never cause a judge to bar me from being kind. In fact, asking for one would be 'frivolous" under the law & subject the person who made such a baseless request to sanctions for malicious abuse of process. See _F.R.C.P._ 11 for example. I would be granted guardianship over their mother before anybody would get even a TRO against me. Your suggestion that I be barred from mom's life or theirs is legally and factually unsound. I am not chasing them. I am trying to help their mom while they do nothing. 

Now that DH is taking action I see a path forward. All I want is safety, dignity & cleanliness for my MIL. 

As for my future care I already have enough money set aside to provide myself with long term care if I need it. My fears for myself aren't financial. I am fearful because I won't have an advocate who loves me. Paying somebody is not the same.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

D0nnivain said:


> @ThatDarnGuy! Your life choices are built around the idea that you don't owe your parents anything. Mine is the exact opposite. I believe we owe them everything. I also take the Third Commandment seriously. You can't honor your father & mother by allowing them to rot. You & I will never see eye to eye on this & that is OK. We don't need to persuade each other.
> 
> As for my need to be in control, that is a valid assessment of me. But I also ascribe to the lead, follow or get out of the way. In a leadership vacuum somebody has to step up. I have asked her kids to act but they won't. My husband is now starting to take this more seriously so I have calmed down. I understand the strain caring for my MIL will put on my marriage. We already survived this when we did it for my parents. It's not new to us & it's not that stressful. There will be enough money for some PT in home care. We can manage the rest.
> 
> ...


You again are demonstrating the need to be in control of a situation where you are clearly not wanted. The family doesn't want your input or help. And with your attitude of wanting to get involved and impose your will of what you think is best regardless of how anyone else feels. I am betting the family sees you as a liability, doesnt take you seriously, and strongly believes something upstairs is really off with you.

I feel you should drop it and if you are so determined to help other people, then focus where your help is wanted.I know if you were somehow related to me and tried to pull something like seeking legal guardianship, calling adult protective services, on another relative or trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do. I would first firmly tell you thanks, but no thanks and stay out of it. And if you pursued something through the courts. I would hire an attorney to bury you so deep in legal paperwork that you would be yelling for a life ring.

With your attitude of I want to take charge and don't care what anyone else thinks or feels, what exactly do you want to hear on this forum? Are you wanting objective advice? Or are you just hoping that a large group of people take your side?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

What do you think your husband and his siblings would say to defend themselves against how you described them? I'm really asking - how do you think they would explain or rationalize why they want to do things differently than you believe they should, and why they don't want your assistance...?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@LisaDiane I don't know what they would say or how they would describe themselves. I think BIL would say he didn't have time. I think SIL would claim she didn't know. DH has already admitted he doesn't know what to do. 

I'm really trying not to tell them what to do other than they have to do something. There are other family members -- aunts, uncles & cousins -- who are asking me why DH & his siblings are not taking action. I always suggest those folks speak directly to DH & his siblings. 

I made this post not to get validation from strangers that I am right. I already know I'm right. I asked for help trying to be more patient as I try to persuade them to help their mom.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

D0nnivain said:


> @LisaDiane I don't know what they would say or how they would describe themselves. I think BIL would say he didn't have time. I think SIL would claim she didn't know. DH has already admitted he doesn't know what to do.
> 
> I'm really trying not to tell them what to do other than they have to do something. There are other family members -- aunts, uncles & cousins -- who are asking me why DH & his siblings are not taking action. I always suggest those folks speak directly to DH & his siblings.
> 
> I made this post not to get validation from strangers that I am right. I already know I'm right. I asked for help trying to be more patient as I try to persuade them to help their mom.


I seriously doubt that the family is talking to a dauggter in law that is over a thousand miles away about this subject. Why would they talk to you when you are so far away and trying to obsessively dominate this situation?

This all reminds me of a Judge Judy case I recently saw online. Different circumstances, but same attitude. A lady gave away a bird. She then began to harrass the new owner because she felt the bird wasn't getting proper care. The new owner firmly told her to leave her alone but the original owner took her to court. The judge tore her up.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> At one point you mentioned you don't have any kids, so you don't have anyone to take care of you when you are older.....wow!


Wow, really? I too don't have children, and this frightens me for my old age not because I expect them to look after me, but because I will have no one to ADVOCATE FOR ME.

You were harsh to the OP.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

frusdil said:


> Wow, really? I too don't have children, and this frightens me for my old age not because I expect them to look after me, but because I will have no one to ADVOCATE FOR ME.
> 
> You were harsh to the OP.


I wasn't harsh at all.... I have seen this kind of behavior in my own family and others as well. People wanting to be in control of a situation when it's not their business or place. From what I have seen, it causes a lot of anger and resentment amongst other family members. I believe this is referred to as the Karen syndrome.

I also feel like *expecting* your own grown children to care for their elderly parent or parents is selfish as well. Especially when they have a responsibility to their spouse, career, children, and own home which in itself is often overwhelming at times 

I have also heard people say that the children owe it to their parents since they raised them from birth. I disagree with this. Children do not ask to be brought into this world. And children do not owe their parents anything simply because they were born.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I wasn't harsh at all.... I have seen this kind of behavior in my own family and others as well. People wanting to be in control of a situation when it's not their business or place. From what I have seen, it causes a lot of anger and resentment amongst other family members.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I have also heard people say that the children owe it to their parents since they raised them from birth. I disagree with this. Children do not ask to be brought into this world. And children do not owe their parents anything simply because they were born.


I completely agree. I did not have a child just so I'd have someone to take care of me when I'm old. I'm a functional adult and I'm preparing for that eventuality. I want my son to live his life to the fullest and enjoy it, not spend it waiting on me because I somehow feel he OWES me for something I brought on myself. I got pregnant on purpose, I had a child on purpose, and I love him more than I love myself. He's my son, not staff. Jinkies, people are so selfish sometimes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I did not uproot myself to take care of either one of my parents. I wouldn't let my mother come live with me because she's too critical and unpleasant to live with especially after she reached the point where she lost her filter. My response was, You know we don't get along well enough to live together. 

She always sucked up to my older sister who never treated her well at all because she just never stopped wanting her approval so I suggested she go live with her but she knew that would be miserable.

My sister and I had joint signature over her finances and she was in a good enough place until she just got bad enough she had to go in to a small private home, but she wasn't there for long because it turned out she had an undiagnosed brain tumor. She had siblings in the area to look in on her. 

My sister and I had to get custodianship of my dad because he lost his mind more than 15 years before he died. We got home care for him and he started getting violent with the workers so that's why he had to go into a facility. He had let himself become an extreme alcoholic in his old age. The only way he was ever going to get sober was in a facility. 

As I recall his social security paid for the facility. My mother's paid for hers too. 

I don't know why your mother-in-law doesn't have social security to pay for hers. Medicare will even pay for some home care if it's recommended by her doctor. My mom had that for a long time to help her out until she got tired of them. Then we were going to hire her private care and the workers who were there working for the county or whoever got mad about that and decided to mandate she be put in a facility which she was not really needing quite yet. 

My sister had some home care when she got out of the hospital. So I'm not sure why no one has gotten her doctor to say she needs some home Care and having Medicare pay for it or her social security. Sometimes it's necessary to move them into a facility in a small town that you can visit once in awhile because it won't be quite as expensive as in a big city. 

But I kind of agree that you can't tell the siblings what to do because they have their reasons just like my sister and I had ours. You don't always have great relationships with your parents. Certainly not to the point where you want to uproot and disrupt your whole life for it. 

I know you're concerned about your old age. And I know that when you went in the hospital this past year you were unhappy with your husband's response to that, but I never did hear if he did better than he was saying he was going to do or not and actually came through for you or not. I hope so. But you can never count on somebody else and you need to be prepared to pay for outside help one way or the other because really it's a lot to take on the care of somebody. 

It certainly would make it easier if she had money but she doesn't. No one should have to give up their life savings for that, though. 

So I'm assuming she has no siblings?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why your mother-in-law doesn't have social security to pay for hers. Medicare will even pay for some home care if it's recommended by her doctor.
> 
> * * *
> 
> ...


MIL has siblings but they are in worse financial shape than she is & are up here in the NE, while she's in FL. 

I'm not counting on somebody to care for me. I said it would be nice to have an advocate because there are so many instances of elder abuse / neglect. I hope somebody assures that I retain some dignity & am clean. 

MIL has Social Security but that is no where near enough. She was never a high wage earning. Assisted living facilities are $6,000+ per month. Do you honestly know anybody who gets that much? She is not to the point where she needs skilled nursing care. 

Also there is a misperception around Medicare -- a federal government benefit which pays for acute but not long term care. It will pay if somebody is in the hospital & for up to 21 days of acute rehab, but that's it. Medicaid, a state run program for indigents, varies from state to state. In my state it pays for assisted living but not in home care.  In FL where MIL lives it only pays for skilled nursing care which is vastly different from Assisted Living. In home care is also not covered unless it's skilled nursing care, meaning she needs somebody to death with catheters or ventilators or wound care. 

DH stepped up when I was hospitalized but he didn't really have much to do. He did manage to misplace my clothes & I had to track them down with assistance from a hospital volunteer, so that was annoying & not what I need immediately after my surgery but it was fine. My procedure went so much more smoothly then feared. I was in & out in 24 hours.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> MIL has siblings but they are in worse financial shape than she is & are up here in the NE, while she's in FL.
> 
> I'm not counting on somebody to care for me. I said it would be nice to have an advocate because there are so many instances of elder abuse / neglect. I hope somebody assures that I retain some dignity & am clean.
> 
> ...



Assisted living is way more expensive than being in a nursing home. Because it's a little apartment. Once you are old and don't have the income Medicaid takes over through SSI. If you want to move into an apartment for assisted living then she'd have to sell a house to pay for that. They will eventually just move you from your apartment to the one room nursing care in those places anyway.

I will just say that speaking for myself I will be the most competent care for myself as long as I am in my own home. Someone might want to look into supplemental Medicare C for her.

Short of carrying them around with him, it's almost impossible not to lose your belongings in the hospital. My sister was in for 6 months and they kept transferring her from one floor or one room to another and they didn't even take her personal stuff with her that she had been sending me home to get for her. They wouldn't even unplug her phone from the wall and take it. I think they're like, not my job. So best to just take everything home. My sister was there so long she needed certain just little necessities, but it was impossible to hold on to them. Once you get in a nursing home, then everyone steals everything. It's unbelievable.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think I could be in your shoes.

I would probably report this situation to authorities or at least ask the proper authorities what could be done for her.

The biggest concern I would have is who I was married to.

I couldn't stomach being with someone who just ignored their own mother when she was failing like that.

There are some similarities between your in laws and mine regarding the nonsense and my wife lost her mother, who had been suffering from dementia, a couple years ago.

It was hard enough for me to see how poorly many of them behaved but some of them, including my wife, really did care.

I'm no longer in contact with or involved in anyway with a couple of them because their behavior was so abhorrent.

I don't understand why people do nothing or commit to hand wringing when decisions to help a loved one are needed.

She's obviously going to pass but do they want her to be where she is at, getting infections and in danger of injuring herself and possibly dying in pain or in an unfamiliar, but sanitary, facility where she will not be comfortable but at least get basic care?

It's rough and emotionally draining but doing nothing leads to increasingly bad infections and increasing the danger of serious injury.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think I could be in your shoes.
> 
> I would probably report this situation to authorities or at least ask the proper authorities what could be done for her.
> 
> ...


My mother was in a private home that was just like a big ranch house and only had a few patients who each had their own bedroom. I believe she got good care there even though I doubt there was a nurse on site but I'm sure someone had to visit.

But otherwise my experience with nursing homes is if you are at all ambulatory you will get better care taking care of yourself at home if you possibly can get around even if it's only with a wheelchair, as long as you can make it to the toilet somehow.

Nursing homes take all of your comforts from you. You can't have anything. They won't allow it because they have to clean around it and even if they did allow it other patients would steal it. They do not keep you dry or anything.

I was guardian over one of my aunts before I was my parents, and she had quite a bit of money. She had been married with no kids to the same guy for 50 or 60 years and they were always together and pretty happy. She did not want to be alone even at a nursing home.

I drove two and a half hours to spend the night in a recliner in her room a couple of times, but she wanted someone with her all the time, so we spent some of her money hiring a private aid to stay up there with her. It was a big pain because we had to make sure someone was there but it was mainly one guy and then people to spell him. She was on a catheter forever and ever. I'm really not quite sure why they weren't getting her up because I think her legs were in pretty decent shape. But once you're hooked up to a catheter you ain't going nowhere.

So I do not see nursing homes as being a very good solution. I have heard more good thing about hospices than nursing homes but have no personal experience with one.

The way my sister is able to stay at home even though she can't do much although she can still sit at the computer and work, is she got lucky and has this old guy who is a neighbor that she can pay to do any little thing she needs done like run to the store or just anything she's unable to do by herself. He takes her to her doctor appointments. He even takes care of her mechanic work on her car. And he's not that expensive because he was just living on Medicaid and taking care of his own mother there at his own house.

So sometimes it might be worth the time to get on a neighborhood app of some sort and just ask if there is someone who does elderly caretaking in the neighborhood. If they do it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than having to pay a service. And they are right there handy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My mother was in a private home that was just like a big ranch house and only had a few patients who each had their own bedroom. I believe she got good care there even though I doubt there was a nurse on site but I'm sure someone had to visit.
> 
> But otherwise my experience with nursing homes is if you are at all ambulatory you will get better care taking care of yourself at home if you possibly can get around even if it's only with a wheelchair, as long as you can make it to the toilet somehow.
> 
> ...


I totally agree but it doesn't sound like they have that option and OP doesn't have that much of a say in it aside from contacting authorities about her MIL's wellbeing.

I despise most nursing homes.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Contacting the authorities is a terrible idea. They just muck it all up.

I stepped away from the situation for a while as I was told by my SIL that she didn't want my help. Everything got worse. 

Now the family is all back begging me to fix it. I met with an elder care lawyer. DH & I are heading back to FL next week to tour some facilities, interview potential aides, & check out some adult day care options. I have arranged for a regular housekeeper to come in. There is still no clear plan on how this will be paid for but after years of me sounding the alarm, the children have finally realized mom needs help. 

I agree that nursing homes & assisted living are not ideal & in home care is better, but that is not paid for by any agency. DH & I talked about having MIL come live with us, which would be fine but we know that moving her from FL to the northeast would kill her. She can't take the winters. We offered to let the other siblings live in the house with her rent free & to split the costs of food & utilities with her in exchange for care but they both said they don't want to live with mom. That's their choice but if nobody will live with her & there is no money for in home care, a facility is the only option. 

Skilled nursing care is more than double the cost of assisted living: $11,000+ per month vs $6,000+ per month. Still MIL only has Social Security retirement Medicare & eventually Medicaid. Until she qualifies under Florida's rules for Medicaid she has no source of funds to pay for the things she needs. DH will be selling her car when we go down there next week. That will free up the car payment & put some cash back in her bank account, which DH now controls. He has claimed her as a dependent through the VA & his disabled veteran benefits, which gets him about $107 per month to use for her. We're hoping to use that money to at least pay a home health aide to come in 2x per week to bathe her & give her BF some respite care. If we can get her into an adult day care at least once per week she may have some stimulation / socialization while also giving the BF a break & we will have professionals on the ground to give us updates / assessments of her deteriorating condition.

To those people who insist I should stay out of it or that children have no obligations to their elderly parents, that may be your position but it's not mine. I am a Christian. The Third Commandment obligates me to honor my parents which includes in-laws, parents by marriage. So you can do what you want. I am going to do the kind thing & make sure MIL is safe. If it makes me selfish that I hope when I am old and infirm that somebody lovingly cares for me, then I'm selfish.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@D0nnivain,

Im glad you are doing what you think is right. Not that it matters, but I think you are doing an honorable thing. You merely tried to persuade. If someone IRL doesn’t want to hear about it, they are free to be unreachable IRL.

Of all her family, you are probably in the most optimal place to see the situation for what it is, not be held back by self-defenses and dread, and use your influence to improve the outcome for her. She needs you, most likely. And if she doesn’t, others in her life can use their words and she as well to advance their position that she is “ok” on her own.

You are in a better position than anyone here to know what the situation is. We all bring our own projections and triggers to this thread, me included. I hope you are able to sort that all out, and get something useful here.


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