# Confused as Hell



## Committed4U

I am 51 and my wife is 42. We have been married for 19 years and have two girls 9 and 11. My wife and I are very non confrontational so I do not believe our daughters have ever seen us argue.

Well a few years back my drinking got out of control and I hit rock bottom. I was not in my right frame of mind and wanted to die. During this time I was never abusive but isolated myself from everyone. I ended up going to rehab and have now been clean for 19 months.

My wife is a stay at home mom and I work a lot of hours at highly stressful job. Well I had to travel out of state for 6 months traveling back only on the weekend. It was extremely had since I hate being away from my wife and kids.

The week before I returned for good my wife informed me she had been having and affair the whole time I was away. She now says she loves him and that she only loves me as a friend. What makes it worse is she now works for her affair partner who is married with kids.

My wife has now opened up to me and informed me that she has had multiple affairs and has kissed countless other men. This kills me since she will not show me any affection whats so ever. If I even touch her she pulls away.

Our family, friends and children believe we have this perfectly happy family who just bought a brand new house and car.

It is not like I have let myself go. I am in great shape and am a very good looking gentleman. My problem is I am way too nice and never say no. 

I guess I am just looking for some feedback on how I should proceed moving forward.

Confused!


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## Andy1001

Committed4U said:


> I am 51 and my wife is 42. We have been married for 19 years and have two girls 9 and 11. My wife and I are very non confrontational so I do not believe our daughters have ever seen us argue.
> 
> Well a few years back my drinking got out of control and I hit rock bottom. I was not in my right frame of mind and wanted to die. During this time I was never abusive but isolated myself from everyone. I ended up going to rehab and have now been clean for 19 months.
> 
> My wife is a stay at home mom and I work a lot of hours at highly stressful job. Well I had to travel out of state for 6 months traveling back only on the weekend. It was extremely had since I hate being away from my wife and kids.
> 
> The week before I returned for good my wife informed me she had been having and affair the whole time I was away. She now says she loves him and that she only loves me as a friend. What makes it worse is she now works for her affair partner who is married with kids.
> 
> My wife has now opened up to me and informed me that she has had multiple affairs and has kissed countless other men. This kills me since she will not show me any affection whats so ever. If I even touch her she pulls away.
> 
> Our family, friends and children believe we have this perfectly happy family who just bought a brand new house and car.
> 
> It is not like I have let myself go. I am in great shape and am a very good looking gentleman. My problem is I am way too nice and never say no.
> 
> I guess I am just looking for some feedback on how I should proceed moving forward.
> 
> Confused!


Expose.Divorce.


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## farsidejunky

This may sound harsh, but unless she wants to preserve the marriage along with you, it doesn't much matter what you want.

I'm not saying it is fair...but it is what it is. 

If she loves you only as a friend, are you willing to remain married to her?

If so, why don't you insist on better for yourself?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT

CAH,

Find out who the OM are expose them to their wives and SOs

Then divorce


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## Betrayedone

Jesus H Christ.......You poor fellow. Burn her ass every chance you get. Harden yourself. You are in for the fight of your life. You have a lot on your plate. Calm down, think for a minute what your long term strategy is. Get advice here.....then attack like the blitzkrieg.....take no prisoners. Time to learn to say not only no, but **** NO!


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## jlg07

Get a shark of a divorce lawyer to protect yourself, your finances and your child custody. DO THIS ASAP.....

Get a DNA test for your kids.

EXPOSE her to EVERYONE -- her family, your family, church, friends,etc..
If she works for her AP, see if her company has any sort of issues with someone directly reporting to someone having sex or a relationship.

Find the POSOM's wife and tell HER all about it.
Get a VAR and get your wife on audio confessing to all of this.

DO NOT start drinking. Exercise, eat, gets as much sleep as you can (given the situation) -- take care of yourself and focus on taking care of your kids. IGNORE her as much as you can (read about the 180).

VERY sorry you are going through all this.


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## LimaTango

Ugh. I am so sorry to hear your story.

You will get some very good advice here from the long time posters. Please take care of yourself mentally and physically. 

It's normal to be filled with anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. You're likely going to feel all of that in spades.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

First of all, take care of yourself. Do not start over with the alcohol. It will cause you more problems you do not need. Find a good counselor to discuss your situation as this will be beneficial for you while going through this **** storm. If you have a pastor discuss with him what you are experiencing. I know it does not seem like it Right now,but this too shall pass and you will come out stronger if you focus on yourself.

What is your prerogative? Do you want to divorce or do you want to save your marriage? If you want to divorce as one poster said get her talking and record her. Lawyer up with the most ferocious lawyer in your area. You are now at war and she is your enemy, not your wife, not your friend. 

Most important blow this **** up and blow it up now. EXPOSURE! It is the best way to kill an affair, if you want to reconcile exposure is required not optional. Currently, she is in the fog. Use this to your advantage, and follow Sun Tzu “ baffle them with confusion, take the by surprise.” Times like this require action. BOLD action. Trust me as I know all too well how you feel. I am now going on three and one half years of R.

Expose to your pastor, both of your parents, and close friends. If you do not, she will control the narrative and make you out to be the bad guy. You may want to weigh the benefits of exposure on social media. I did. I went nuclear on my FWW based on advice from some seasoned posters on here. I followed the 180 to a “t”. Read up on this.

Lastly, do not be afraid to get down on your knees and ask the Almighty for guidance through this tough time. My faith helped me navigate the waters of infidelity and make the right decision.

You do not deserve this crap. Be strong!


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## Committed4U

I want to thank each of you for the advice and words of encouragement. I do pray each day as part of my recovery program. I pray for guidance and serenity in this trying time. 

I can’t help but feel this is my fault due to my alcoholism and the extreme isolation I exhibited. However, during all the dark, drunk days I never missed work (somehow) and always took care of my family financially. I was however like a third child at home. I was not very responsible.

The one thing I will say is I have been with my wife for 23 years and married 19. During this time I have never even held another women’s hand let alone kissed or had an affair. The part that kills me is I have had those opportunities but never acted on the impulse due to the detrimental consequences. I would like to believe I have integrity. 

It just kills me she has an affair with a guy who is overweight and is no way as good looking as I am. Hell, I’m 51 look like I am in my 30’s and am in great shape and dress extremely well.

Women are so hard to understand. It seem they love the chase and the feelings that accompany limerence. 

Nothing is ever good enough. They feel there has got to be more out there somewhere.


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## Mr.Married

Committed4U said:


> I want to thank each of you for the advice and words of encouragement. I do pray each day as part of my recovery program. I pray for guidance and serenity in this trying time.
> 
> I can’t help but feel this is my fault due to my alcoholism and the extreme isolation I exhibited. However, during all the dark, drunk days I never missed work (somehow) and always took care of my family financially. I was however like a third child at home. I was not very responsible.
> 
> The one thing I will say is I have been with my wife for 23 years and married 19. During this time I have never even held another women’s hand let alone kissed or had an affair. The part that kills me is I have had those opportunities but never acted on the impulse due to the detrimental consequences. I would like to believe I have integrity.
> 
> It just kills me she has an affair with a guy who is overweight and is no way as good looking as I am. Hell, I’m 51 look like I am in my 30’s and am in great shape and dress extremely well.
> 
> Women are so hard to understand. It seem they love the chase and the feelings that accompany limerence.
> 
> Nothing is ever good enough. They feel there has got to be more out there somewhere.


Don't run off to far with those type of thoughts. I can see from your position that might be easy. Cursing off women from your life isn't the answer. There are plenty good ones out there as well.


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## niceguy47460

Kick her out of the house and tell everyone . have kids dna tested . and tell om wife .


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## faithfulman

Put a recording app on your phone.

Test it to make sure it works properly. 

Sit her down and tell her that you need to make sure that you heard what you heard. 

Try to get her to admit to everything, get as many names and any other clues as possible.

Try to get her to tell you how long this has been going on. 

***

Of course it is very easy for strangers with no investment in your life and relationship to say divorce her. 

But I 5hink you should divorce her. 

Definitely expose her for what she is, which is a faithless serial cheater who is easy and has no character.

Mods, doesn't this thread belong in coping with infidelity?


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## notmyjamie

Committed4U said:


> The one thing I will say is I have been with my wife for 23 years and married 19. During this time I have never even held another women’s hand let alone kissed or had an affair. The part that kills me is I have had those opportunities but never acted on the impulse due to the detrimental consequences. I would like to believe I have integrity.
> 
> That is a good way to be. Don't lose that, ever. Some women will be happy to have a loyal partner like you someday.
> 
> Women are so hard to understand. It seem they love the chase and the feelings that accompany limerence.
> 
> Nothing is ever good enough. They feel there has got to be more out there somewhere.
> 
> 
> It might not help you now, but there are plenty of women out there who know what they have and don't go looking elsewhere for more. You'll make one of them very happy someday.
> 
> 
> I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. Please, stay strong. Don't drink. Keep coming here for support. And call a lawyer tomorrow so you'll at least know your options. *hugs*


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## Prodigal

Committed4U said:


> I can’t help but feel this is my fault due to my alcoholism and the extreme isolation I exhibited.


I was married to an alcoholic who isolated. It is a living hell for a spouse who lives with an alkie.

However, that being said, it does not make you responsible in any way for her choice to have sexual relations with other men. 

You work a program. You know that you don't own her choices. You know your side of the street is clean. That's all YOU need to own.

Oh, yeah, and divorce her cheating ass.


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## DudeInProgress

Sorry you’re here.You’re in a brutal situation, I can only imagine the devastation.First off, her despicable behavior and betrayal is not your fault.Do NOT own her pattern of betrayal, it is ALL on her.The general state of your marriage is on both of you and I’m sure your drinking caused damage, but she is 100% responsible for the decision to cheat (and betray you and your children) rather than work to improve things or leave the marriage.

From what you’ve described so far, your wife clearly doesn’t respect you.Maybe she lost respect for you or maybe she never really had any, either way do not chase her and do not play the “pick me” game.Do not even think about R at this point, do not offer it to her.You can consider R later if you want but now is not the time for that.

The most important thing now is for you to take bold action.It is what you need to do as a man, for yourself and it is required for your friends/family/children and her to respect you going forward.You are in control of what happens from this point forward.

- Gather and secure all of the evidence you can get
- Talk to a good lawyer ASAP regardless of whether you still think R is an option (she doesn’t seem to be R material even if you were willing, but you can decide that later)
- Create and initiate a plan to separate/protect finances/assets and child custody
- File for D (you can always slow/stop the process later if you choose)
- Go full 180 and follow it. Detach
- Have her leave the house or at least sleep in another room
- No sex, no affection, no chit chat (don’t be abusive, just unemotional necessary communication)
- Expose to everyone. Both families, friends and OMs wife.Blow up this current affair, exposure is not excessive, cruel or vindictive.It is critical for her to face the consequences of her actions and the right thing for the OM wife to know.
- Work on yourself. Hit the gym harder than before, talk to friends/family you can confide in for support, find a IC for yourself.
- Force yourself to eat right, drink water, stay away from alcohol
- Stay strong and focused on what you need to do

Good luck. Many here will have good advice, and are here to support you.


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## MattMatt

I am generally known as someone who promotes reconciliation.

But, dude, seriously? A serial cheater with zero remorse?

Oh... I'm thinking Trifecta, here.

1) Expose!
2) DNA tests!
3) Divorce.


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## Marc878

Sounds like you maybe the type to cry, beg and plead. All that does is lower your status even more. If you chase they always move farther away.

Plus. Google serial cheater. You can't fix that. I suspect even she can't. She'll never stop.

At this time you are in limbo. That is a self imposed state. Only you can keep yourself there.

Don't make the stupid mistake of helping hide the affairs. Won't get you a thing except enabling her behavior further.


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## SongoftheSouth

Hate to ask it but are you sure the children are biologically yours? It will not matter legally, but you may want the piece of mind.


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## Committed4U

I wanted to thank everyone again for all the advice and support. This is an awesome site with valuable information and insight.

There is one thing I did not mention that I found strange. Each of my wife’s affair partners was or is married may with families at home. 

Does she feel it is some sort of competitive game? A challenge of some sort?


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## StillSearching

Andy1001 said:


> Expose.Divorce.


NOW! 
I'm 55, life's better than you think it will be!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Committed4U said:


> I wanted to thank everyone again for all the advice and support. This is an awesome site with valuable information and insight.
> 
> There is one thing I did not mention that I found strange. Each of my wife’s affair partners was or is married may with families at home.
> 
> Does she feel it is some sort of competitive game? A challenge of some sort?


Not a competition, but protection/self-preservation. 

A woman who has an affair with a married man my think she can steal him by letting the other wife know he's sleeping with her. But she know this risk of exposure works both ways.

or

Should the affair turn sour and she become vindictive, she may wish to expose to the other wife as revenge. But again, that risk runs both ways.

It's like being prepared for nuclear war. As long as there's the threat of MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction), neither will launch such a volley. 

This is why men who cheat often choose a married man with whom to cheat. She's just attracting that sort.


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## jlg07

So, if you know who each of them are, TELL THEIR SPOUSES what POS's they are married to.
You wife isn't who you thought she was, and she hid it too well.

Try to get her on a recording that she DID cheat with those men (in case THEIR spouses don't believe you...)


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

MattMatt said:


> I am generally known as someone who promotes reconciliation.
> 
> But, dude, seriously? A serial cheater with zero remorse?
> 
> Oh... I'm thinking Trifecta, here.
> 
> 1) Expose!
> 2) DNA tests!
> 3) Divorce.


 @MattMatt, I am with you on this one. This woman is has no virtue and is cruel.


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## Casual Observer

Committed4U said:


> I want to thank each of you for the advice and words of encouragement. I do pray each day as part of my recovery program. I pray for guidance and serenity in this trying time.
> 
> I can’t help but feel this is my fault due to my alcoholism and the extreme isolation I exhibited. However, during all the dark, drunk days I never missed work (somehow) and always took care of my family financially. I was however like a third child at home. I was not very responsible.


When did the alcoholism begin? You've been together 23 years; did it start before, or was there something that came afterward that triggered it? You said she told you there had been quite a few affairs. Normally the truth dribbles out bit by bit, only what's required to pacify at the time. Did it feel like your wife was spilling the beans out of vengeance? It doesn't sound like she's simply not in love with you anymore; sounds close to hate. 

You've got a current history of sobriety vs how long were you on the other side? Just wondering how many things passed under your nose. Only now are you able to see things clearly. It's not just her that's led two different lives. You too. 

I tend to be on the reconciliation side here, but not this time. There's nothing to reconcile. She adapted to having a breadwinner that was blind to anything she might like to do. She's not going to change. I would find a very, very aggressive divorce lawyer, keeping in mind that she might do the same and your history of alcoholism is going to come up in a very big way. Document and save everything you can before taking that step, because if she's smart enough, she'll try to destroy evidence of her own transgressions but more importantly, will also seek to minimize any contributions you have made to the happy family. If that makes sense.


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## personofinterest

MattMatt said:


> I am generally known as someone who promotes reconciliation.
> 
> But, dude, seriously? A serial cheater with zero remorse?
> 
> Oh... I'm thinking Trifecta, here.
> 
> 1) Expose!
> 2) DNA tests!
> 3) Divorce.


I completely agree. And just as your drinking was not her fault, her repeated affairs are NOT your fault. She had lots of other options, from separation or divorce to marriage counseling to Alanon. She chose to cheat over and over.

I am sorry to say that it sounds like your wife is no longer marriage material. You need to expose to strategic people for support, tell your children the truth about what is going on, and protect yourself and them. If she was cheating while you were drinking and cheating while you were away, she was absolutely neglecting the kids.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Focus on your own well being and your kids.


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## TAMAT

C4U,

You wrote, *My wife has now opened up to me and informed me that she has had multiple affairs and has kissed countless other men.*

The kissing would bother me more than the other sex, kissing being the most passionate thing lovers do together.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

TAMAT said:


> C4U,
> 
> You wrote, *My wife has now opened up to me and informed me that she has had multiple affairs and has kissed countless other men.*
> 
> The kissing would bother me more than the other sex, kissing being the most passionate thing lovers do together.


I don't know about bothering me _more_, but certainly it is at least equal in crossing a forbidden line. I agree that kissing is an intensely intimate thing to do and that people who minimize by saying "it was just kissing" are really missing the point.


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