# Need Help… Please offer insight on Separation



## Im_trying (Feb 1, 2013)

I have been with my partner for a total of 12 yrs. We have two children 10 and 5. We got married about 1 1/2 yrs ago and day after we were in a car accident which created a lot of stress on our relationship. We have had issues with arguing in the past but after the car accident things got much worst.

We were separated for a few months from May-September and I left the home which is what she asked but then we were working towards coming back in a few months but I came home earlier than expected because I could no longer stay with friends for longer time.

Since that time things got worst, she has been very mean. She said she needs more time because she is not feeling the same. This hurts… She had an emotional affair a few years ago when things weren't going well. Throughout this separation I have asked her if this guy was still in the picture she said no… about 2 weeks ago I just decided to access her phone bill online and identified that she was in fact talking to the guy. She got really upset with me and said she was now done with the relationship and wanted a divorce because Ive made many mistakes and now messed up again by invading her privacy. I don't know what to feel anymore. I love her very much and my children as well, and she says she still loves me but no longer wants to talk about relationship. What should I do?


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## mjedw1 (Jan 22, 2013)

I'm sorry, it sucks. There's nothing else you can really say. It's all pretty new to me too but my advice is to read as many threads as you can by the longstanding members here and you'll start to work out the right path.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you're here, hon. Unfortunately, EAs are just like physical affairs. They do damage, and it requires honesty, remorse on the part of the one having the affair, and true commitment on the part of both of you in order for the marriage to recover.

She did not end the EA. That would mean _no contact_ with the guy. Shifting the blame to you for 'invading her privacy' is very common with cheaters. Don't stand for it. She committed the first offense by violating your *trust* by keeping up the relationship, if it ever really ended. 

I know you still love her, but as you'll see here, the best thing you can do is work on how you feel about yourself. Don't beg her to reconcile. Do your best to limit contact with her, in fact. That's hard when you live together and have kids. But keep contact just about the kids or issues you have to deal with, like paying bills, car or house repairs, etc. 

Work on yourself. Look at things you might have done or behaviors you have in an honest light, but be careful not to take the blame for everything. It takes 2 to make a marriage work or to fail. But when one decides to step outside the marriage (and make no mistake, an EA is just that), then a bigger share falls on that person. There's no excuse for cheating.

A book that might be helpful for you is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's kind of THE book on EAs.

A warning. If a partner has truly detached, you may really have no choice but to begin your own process of detaching. One way to do that is to look honestly at your relationship with her. You say she's been mean. You know she's cheated, and lied. She obviously isn't taking responsibility for her EA. You deserve better than this from your spouse. Believe it, down to your toes. Don't chase her down. It will not help her to change her mind about you. It will make her firmer in her feelings against you.

Do some searching on here for information on the 180. Just remember: it's to help strengthen you, not to win her back. 

Spend some time on here. You'll find out you're not alone, and you'll get some very good information on things you can do. 

Also, feel free to keep posting in here how you're feeling and doing from day to day. It can be like a journal. There are a lot of people who can help.


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