# Invited H to restaurant and had the talk



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

So I invited H (mid-50's, married 27 years) to a restaurant thinking he wouldn't have an explosive reaction to "the talk" about the lack of intimacy and impact on family activities and his health issues over the past several years (It's in a previous post so I won't repeat all of it). In short, in addition to what is likely pre-diabetes, he has two bad feet which make it hard for him to walk or be active, has gained 100 pounds over the last few years, has hip, knee and upper and lower spine problems, and other random things. I think there is depression as he says some days he questions why all of this has happened and really gets in a mental funk. He says he will get the foot surgery, but feels the other (hip and spine) are too risky with surgery. The pre-diabetes he does try to eat better. He says this is the 'worse" in "for better and for worse" and "sickness" in the "in sickness and in health". The last thing I want to be is selfish and kick somebody while they are down, yet I am also part of the marriage. He says me pressuring him for any physical relationship as well as outings and activities (there is always at least some minimal walking) just are added stresses to everything else in his life and that I am being unfair. I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this. I am all about supporting him, though I don't think he is doing all he can - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You’re not off base.

It’s up to each person to maintain their body enough so they can function. If he’s unwilling to do that for whatever reason he’s failing himself first and then you second.

As an example I’m staring down an MRI this week and possible knee surgery and if I need it I’ll be on the table as soon as they can book it so I can start the process of healing and recovery.

Every evening my wife finishes her steps for the day and now I hobble with her to the end of the street but she has to finish by herself. It sucks. I am supposed to be by her side.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t forget that there were years he could have chosen differently. You wouldn’t be in your current situation if he had cared enough. This didn’t happen overnight and is a result of his inaction. You have the choice to dump him or drag an anchor behind you the rest of your life.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ButterflyGirl said:


> So I invited H (mid-50's, married 27 years) to a restaurant thinking he wouldn't have an explosive reaction to "the talk" about the lack of intimacy and impact on family activities and his health issues over the past several years (It's in a previous post so I won't repeat all of it). In short, in addition to what is likely pre-diabetes, he has two bad feet which make it hard for him to walk or be active, has gained 100 pounds over the last few years, has hip, knee and upper and lower spine problems, and other random things. I think there is depression as he says some days he questions why all of this has happened and really gets in a mental funk. He says he will get the foot surgery, but feels the other (hip and spine) are too risky with surgery. The pre-diabetes he does try to eat better. He says this is the 'worse" in "for better and for worse" and "sickness" in the "in sickness and in health". The last thing I want to be is selfish and kick somebody while they are down, yet I am also part of the marriage. He says me pressuring him for any physical relationship as well as outings and activities (there is always at least some minimal walking) just are added stresses to everything else in his life and that I am being unfair. I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this. I am all about supporting him, though I don't think he is doing all he can - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


IMO The "for better or worse" and "in sickness and health" stuff doesn't really apply when the worse and sickness are problems that are addressable and the person refuses to address them. He could lose the 100 lbs and eat healthy and most of his troubles would improve dramatically.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


ButterflyGirl said:



Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?

Click to expand...

*So basically, he'd *prefer* to be the obese, non-active, unhealthy *albatross* around your neck and you're supposed to be perfectly fine with that because you promised for better or worse" and you'd be "selfish" and "self-entitled" if you left him?

Yeah, he has no freakin' idea how weak and pathetic he looks to everyone else, does he?

I'd be at my lawyer's in the morning. Really, I would.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

For sickness and in health means what it says. However, a spouse can’t let themselves go to hell physically either. Gluttony is a deadly sin.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I don’t know what’s happening on this thread with Femytczot, it’s not adding up.

But for OP… I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but I also think H is not wrong.

Having illness, even when preventable, is something to stand by your spouse through. And that’s the thing…the decisions that allowed the disease to progress are certainly his fault, but they are a little bit yours too. It’s my belief that a marriage is rarely/never a one-sided fault issue. It only becomes that when one steps outside the marriage and we don’t have that here. I’m not trying to blame you for his choices. But I’m also saying that you had a voice and likely didn’t use it.

I’m also not saying you should surrender yourself to his will now that things are bad. I am saying that this situation, just like everything in marriage, requires negotiation and compromise. You have to know what you can live with, and what you can’t. Compromise as much as you can tolerate, and he also should compromise. He doesn’t get to beat you up verbally if he can’t meet you halfway, that’s his part of “for better or worse”.

If you can compromise and make things work, it may not be a perfect solution for each of you. But neither is divorce. So both of you pick which one you want. Compromise to a less than ideal solution or divorce.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

As a wife of a husband, who has health issues out of his control, I don't think you are selfish. He needs to be accountable for his own bad eating habits. His choices are not your fault.

Obesity is a preventable disease. Unfortunately, here in the US being overweight is now considered normal and even glamours!

Instead of him asking for your pity, your husband can talk to a nutritionist and follow a diet plan to lose weight. It's really not that hard to find help, the hard part is to stick to the dietary plan and maintain a healthy weight.

Personally, I could not be married to an obese person. That's an easy no for me.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Confusing here. Did your SO just jump on the thread? I'm having a similar issue with my wife. Gained a ton of weight. Couples with ankle issues she's always had, had a knee go bad. Tried surgery that didn't work due to excess weight. Fooled herself with good blood work and all that Dr stuff. Now here we are 38 years later, she has foot problems, ankle problems, herniated disc issues with sciatica pain beyond belief! The pain train goes on. Then throw in the emotional issues of having as the years rolled by, cheerleading with myself and our daughter, from the sidelines. Not even addressing what it's done to our intimate life. She is finally awake to these things through all of my pleading with her over the years, yet I worry it's to late. I love her deeply and have morned the loss of that 125 lb women I married long ago. I choose to accept what she has become and do all I can to help her regain some of her life back. I won't abandon her, I truly love her, but she also knows how this pains me as well, especially knowing I'll be retiring soon to care for an invalid wife, that was always a SAHW/SAHM. It's not fair but life never is.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am so sorry for your situation.

I would divorce him while you are still reasonably young.

You may feel guilty (I would).

He brought this on himself, 75% of it.

I have very close friends, where the wife is in the same situation.
The wife was/is very active, mentally and physically.

He was, then and now, a homebody, greatly overweight and inactive.

Some years ago, she asked my opinion about divorcing him because he would not listen, would not take care of his health, diet, exercise, etc.
She has told me on many occasions that she wished she married me. Her sex life has suffered, because of this.
I never replied and downplayed her remarks.

Now, 20 years later he can hardly move and he hates to go out.
And, he is still very much overweight, had both knees replaced, etc.
He is a very nice man.

The wife is still thin and active. 
She now lives through her children, the husband mostly stays home.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you are 100% unrealistic and unreasonable continuing to ask for and be up his butt about currently participating in things he physically cannot. All the nagging in the world isn't going to make it physically possible right now. 

It is, however, realistic and reasonable to demand he lose weight and improve his health status so that in the future, when he has improved his health, he can participate.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My momma used to always say …. Fat & Lazy is as Fat & Lazy does


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I think you are 100% unrealistic and unreasonable continuing to ask for and be up his butt about currently participating in things he physically cannot. All the nagging in the world isn't going to make it physically possible right now.
> 
> It is, however, realistic and reasonable to demand he lose weight and improve his health status so that in the future, when he has improved his health, he can participate.


Or just dump him for allowing such a situation to happen in the first place.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people take care of themselves. Some do not and/or wait until it’s too late. Few at his age are willing to put in the time and energy and effort to turn things around. I watched my exH decline because of choices he made later in life. He was very smug for decades that he was in excellent shape (which he was) and would long outlive me. He didn’t.


----------



## Power1 (5 mo ago)

ButterflyGirl said:


> So I invited H (mid-50's, married 27 years) to a restaurant thinking he wouldn't have an explosive reaction to "the talk" about the lack of intimacy and impact on family activities and his health issues over the past several years (It's in a previous post so I won't repeat all of it). In short, in addition to what is likely pre-diabetes, he has two bad feet which make it hard for him to walk or be active, has gained 100 pounds over the last few years, has hip, knee and upper and lower spine problems, and other random things. I think there is depression as he says some days he questions why all of this has happened and really gets in a mental funk. He says he will get the foot surgery, but feels the other (hip and spine) are too risky with surgery. The pre-diabetes he does try to eat better. He says this is the 'worse" in "for better and for worse" and "sickness" in the "in sickness and in health". The last thing I want to be is selfish and kick somebody while they are down, yet I am also part of the marriage. He says me pressuring him for any physical relationship as well as outings and activities (there is always at least some minimal walking) just are added stresses to everything else in his life and that I am being unfair. I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this. I am all about supporting him, though I don't think he is doing all he can - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


As men age our testosterone drops about 3% a year beginning at around age 30. So, if he was at a manly 700 ug/dl at age 30 he could be at the prepubescent sub 200 levels now. When the testosterone begins to decline we lose muscle and gain fat. Fat is one of the main drivers of estrogen concentration. Elevated fat % raises his estrogen levels which in turn reduce his already lowered testosterone levels. If you want to be involved he’ll possibly need hormonal medications likely prescribed by an internist or endocrinologist (testosterone, estradiol blockers) diet, exercise, no alcohol and excellent (more than 7 hours) sleep. Fasting has been shown to be one of the most effective weight loss methods. We rebuild our HGH (muscle making hormone) while sleeping and as soon as we eat an insulinogenic food ( bread, potato) the HGH begins to decline until we sleep again later that evening. Long term fasting keeps the HGH concentration high throughout the day exposing his body to more of the muscle making hormone he probably needs. Keep the insulinogenic foods (no fruits or fruit juices at all) to a minimum. Basically a carnivore diet, water, exercise and excellent sleep. He’ll lose weight if these protocols are brought into his life. I’m not an MD, but an Oral Surgeon who had to correct my own issues. All of this advice was given to me by an MD friend who is 65 YOA and with supreme levels of strength and fitness. It works! Diet, sleep, hormone evaluation and therapy, exercise - simple!


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> …*the decisions that allowed the disease to progress are certainly his fault, but they are a little bit yours too*. It’s my belief that a marriage is rarely/never a one-sided fault issue.


You need to be more specific here....HOW...??


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> You need to be more specific here....HOW...??


I thought I might get some pushback on that.

If my wife has a certain medical issue and I know about it, I have a voice that can maybe influence or help her choices. Or I can not do anything and leave it up to her. I'm not saying I'm responsible for her decisions, but I can and should help if it is reasonable. 

I have type 2 and my wife helps me by her choices of what to cook, where she likes to eat, etc. She could choose to do only what she wants but she doesn't. My whole point is that a marriage is a union, but too often we try to separate that union and focus on individual wants.

It's supposition on my part that OP was not engaged with his choices, that's why this:


BeyondRepair007 said:


> But I’m also saying that you had a voice and likely didn’t use it.


If that's not right then fine but it doesn't change the final advice.
Compromise or don't.

I am well aware that not everyone approaches marriage with this viewpoint and that's fine with me.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You don’t end up looking like a walking water bed overnight……


----------



## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Get him to live off meat and veges cooked in butter or coconut (not vegetable oil it's carcinogenic). He can cook up a big feed of meat and veges for two meals a day - no snacks. It fills you up and means you don't want anything else.
A lot of boomers fell victim to the terrible and profit based food pyramid and nutrition advice from the late 80s and early 90s. Eating fat does not raise cholesterol - it's incredibly bad science and totally debunked today. Good fat is incredibly important.
Cut all sugar and man made carbs(cereal, breads, yoghurts are all $ pushed trash) out of his diet. Help him by keeping the stuff out of your house - don't eat it around him or in front of him.You can easily beat type 2 diabetes like this. I did it. And you don't even have to starve, I was eating 5000 calories a day of beef and veges and it was delicious and I lost 80 pounds.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ButterflyGirl said:


> So I invited H (mid-50's, married 27 years) to a restaurant thinking he wouldn't have an explosive reaction to "the talk" about the lack of intimacy and impact on family activities and his health issues over the past several years
> 
> ..........He says this is the 'worse" in "for better and for worse" and "sickness" in the "in sickness and in health". *The last thing I want to be is selfish and kick somebody while they are down,* yet I am also part of the marriage. *He says me pressuring him for any physical relationship as well as outings and activities (there is always at least some minimal walking) just are added stresses to everything else in his life and that I am being unfair.*
> 
> *I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this*. I am all about supporting him, though I don't think he is doing all he can - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


Well I am at odds with most of the advice from others on TAM.

First, you have every right to expect affection and intimacy in marriage. There are lots of things older people can do to feel intimacy, affection and sexual desire, besides PIV.

Before you have that talk with him come up with some suggestions on things to try or do that will make you feel sexually desired, and sexually pleased by him. Perhaps the two of you can do a Yes/No/Maybe list to figure out non-PIV things to do that will make you feel sexually desired and satisfy some of your needs for intimacy. 

As an interesting aside, I was the HD in a sex starved marriage. While in Sex Therapy to save our marriage, my wife said she wanted more intimacy. OK, I had her read some chapters in Dr. David Schnarch's book Intimacy & desire. She was shocked and said she didn't want that much intimacy. Part of being really intimate is to calm your heart, be brave and confident and become very vulnerable to your lover. That is really hard for a lot of people.

Back on topic. He has a bunch of medical problems. From my perspective, there is a critical path out of his problems and a spiral of death if he doesn't get his act together. 

Being that overweight and having problems with insulin control he probably either has or will soon have Metabolic Syndrome. This is a condition where men get type 2 diabetes and usually have very low testosterone levels, plus they often have low vitamin D levels, low bone density, and develop neuropathy. If you are obese, most surgeons prefer you loose weight before hip or knee surgery. Some will do it, but recovery and success rates are much lower. Also, if there is any Diabetic Neuropathy, healing in the feet or ankles will take extra time.

With all that out of the way, should you dump him? I think that would be horrible. Do you have to become a martyr with your husband as your burden? No. That is why should should see if there are other ways that the two of you can give each other happiness sexual and/or sensual. 

If I were in your shoes, or you were my sister, I would advise you to tell him how much you love him. How much you are committed to your marriage and how much you need a sensual and sexual relationship with him. Tell him you understand he has medical conditions and that you are willing to adjust how the two of you achieve that sensual and sexual relationship, but you are committed to your marriage. Tell him you want to grow old with him, but you also expect him to also be committed to your marriage and that means he too has be willing to change so that either his medical problems are brought under as much control as possible or so that the two of you find new ways to pleasure each other and keep the passion of marriage alive.

Good luck.


----------



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Thanks for all of the replies. I am reading and processing (and no, my SO isn't on the thread). I am reading through each and every comment and trying to digest it all. I had forgotten to say that I don't think he eats bad (he does like vegetables and some of the healthy stuff), so unless he is snacking when I am not watching, I'm not sure how it has gotten to where it is with the pre-diabetes, weight, etc. I don't bring in junk food so do feel like I am supportive in that way. Also, he has a lot of distrust and fear with the medical field, dentists, and has a lot of allergies, so I think some of his inaction stems from that. Pressuring somebody to do something they are fearful of, even if it is in their best interest is part of what makes this confusing for me. What if I were deathly afraid of needles and my SO was pressuring me to get a needed medical treatment that involved a lot of needles? I am having a hard time reconciling this in particular.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Once you are too crippled up to get around well, it is almost impossible to lose weight through dieting.


----------



## Power1 (5 mo ago)

ButterflyGirl said:


> Thanks for all of the replies. I am reading and processing (and no, my SO isn't on the thread). I am reading through each and every comment and trying to digest it all. I had forgotten to say that I don't think he eats bad (he does like vegetables and some of the healthy stuff), so unless he is snacking when I am not watching, I'm not sure how it has gotten to where it is with the pre-diabetes, weight, etc. I don't bring in junk food so do feel like I am supportive in that way. Also, he has a lot of distrust and fear with the medical field, dentists, and has a lot of allergies, so I think some of his inaction stems from that. Pressuring somebody to do something they are fearful of, even if it is in their best interest is part of what makes this confusing for me. What if I were deathly afraid of needles and my SO was pressuring me to get a needed medical treatment that involved a lot of needles? I am having a hard time reconciling this in particular.


I give 100’s of injections a week. Needle related fears are related to lack to trust. When the patient doesn’t trust or respect the provider the relationship falls apart. Fear, distrust, inexperience and lack of introspection go hand in hand. Have you read “The Operator” by Robert O’Neil. He’s the Navy SEAL who killed Bin Laden. The book is a great account on how people can learn to control their anxieties and proceed forward while possibly facing very scary outcomes. He repeats: 95% of the time your thoughts will prevent you form doing something you’re capable of completing. No one should be controlled by their fear based imaginary outcomes. Your husband should read this book.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I had the back surgery and am pain free now. You can share this with your husband. Just find the best neurosurgeon that you can.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)




----------



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

I have read all of the replies and been thinking about it all as responses were different as I might expect. We went out again and had Italian, he actually ate very well and healthy (salad, grilled meat, etc.), so I'm not really sure on the eating part of it where it is going wrong since I buy and cook healthy at home. He is going to have some dental work done which is probably the least of the concerns, but he is doing SOMETHING. That has been put off for years. I am wondering if I should start a new thread (not sure when to start a new thread and when to continue an old one) about how to cope if we stay together instead of splitting up. We still need to have more discussion about this, but I need to gather my thoughts before I do on what is and is not possible.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If my wife has a certain medical issue and I know about it, I have a voice that can *maybe* influence or help her choices. Or I can not do anything and *leave it up to her*. I'm not saying I'm responsible for her decisions, but I can and should help if it is reasonable.


IMO we have no influence on how a spouse responds to a medical or psychological issue. Anything said in that regard will be received as criticism and cause more problems than it solves. Rather like the old saw of wife asking hubby "does this dress make me look fat?". At least in our long marriage, I have never successfully influenced her medical decisions. If I encouraged her to see a doctor about a problem, all I will get is massive pushback. SHE has to come to the conclusion she needs to see a doctor, then she will go and cooperate with the treatment plan. So it has been decades since I have tried influencing her about medical issues.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> IMO we have no influence on how a spouse responds to a medical or psychological issue. Anything said in that regard will be received as criticism and cause more problems than it solves. Rather like the old saw of wife asking hubby "does this dress make me look fat?". At least in our long marriage, I have never successfully influenced her medical decisions. If I encouraged her to see a doctor about a problem, all I will get is massive pushback. SHE has to come to the conclusion she needs to see a doctor, then she will go and cooperate with the treatment plan. So it has been decades since I have tried influencing her about medical issues.


I’ve never been in a relationship where I wasn’t able to add value (not control) to the SO’s processing of important decisions, including medical ones. Especially medical ones. I’m not sure what it’s like to have no voice in events in the SO’s life. But I am sure I wouldn’t like it.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Oh I have a voice that is heard, it is just ignored. We have an issue right now that concerns me a lot. And have voiced those concerns, with no effect at all. It is what it is, not going to change at this late date.

A contrary example is many decades ago, wife after me to stop smoking. I paid no attention. Quit when I wanted to. Guess we both cut from same cloth.

I think most people are like us in that regard.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Oh I have a voice that is heard, it is just ignored. We have an issue right now that concerns me a lot. And have voiced those concerns, with no effect at all. It is what it is, not going to change at this late date.
> 
> A contrary example is many decades ago, wife after me to stop smoking. I paid no attention. Quit when I wanted to. Guess we both cut from same cloth.
> 
> I think most people are like us in that regard.


Everybody owns their own choices, that’s for sure. You may be right about most people being like that, I have no idea. I think tossing out other people’s viewpoints without much regard, especially an SO, doesn’t seem like the best way to conduct life.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Well OP has been working on the project spouse for 2 decades. With no success. Doubt that a visit to restaurant will change anything


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ButterflyGirl said:


> has gained *100 pounds over the last few years,* has hip, knee and upper and lower spine problems, and other random things. I think there is depression as he says some days he questions why all of this has happened and really gets in a mental funk.


He has arrived where he is one small step at a time. 100 lb over 4 years would be 1/2 lb each week or about 1700 calories excess every week, or 250 calories excess a day. Two extra slices of bread. His hip, knee, back problems as well as depression and pre (soon to be full blown) diabetes are from the excess weight. Unfortunately, the only way he can fix this is to lose the same way he gained. Slowly. He would have to *consistently *adjust his eating to consume 500 calories less each day for 4 years. That is the 250 calories to stop his weight gain and another 250 calories to lose 1/2 lb each week.

But this is something he has to WANT for himself. No amount of nagging or threatening will make him take this action. And your cooking has nothing to do with it. HE is the one who must police himself. 



ButterflyGirl said:


> I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this. I am all about supporting him, though *I don't think he is doing all he can* - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


I don't think you are at all off base or unfair. How long has this been going on? It didn't happen overnight. And his health will only grow worse from the abuse he is heaping on himself. He has himself where he can't exercise which just makes the obesity more intractable to eliminate. 

I know there are some medical plans that will pay for inpatient treatment of obesity. If available, that might be a last chance for him to save himself. But he is the only one who can fix this, just like an alcoholic or drug addict can't he cured by a spouse.


----------



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> He has arrived where he is one small step at a time. 100 lb over 4 years would be 1/2 lb each week or about 1700 calories excess every week, or 250 calories excess a day. Two extra slices of bread. His hip, knee, back problems as well as depression and pre (soon to be full blown) diabetes are from the excess weight. Unfortunately, the only way he can fix this is to lose the same way he gained. Slowly. He would have to *consistently *adjust his eating to consume 500 calories less each day for 4 years. That is the 250 calories to stop his weight gain and another 250 calories to lose 1/2 lb each week.
> 
> But this is something he has to WANT for himself. No amount of nagging or threatening will make him take this action. And your cooking has nothing to do with it. HE is the one who must police himself.
> 
> ...



Yes, it has not been overnight, I get that. I was able to help him at one point (he wanted to quit drinking so much coffee - I quit buying it and kept plenty of other beverages around). He listened when I gave suggestions for that. Maybe drinking coffee was too small of a change and he was more open to my input, I don't know. I don't know what he would say about obesity surgery. But you are right, just like an alcoholic or a drug issue, that person is indeed the only one that can do something about it. I am just torn about putting my needs before his. Being a mom of 3, I guess its in my DNA to put others first, I don't know. And isn't that what the marriage vows say, too? My mind is truly in conflict.


----------



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Everybody owns their own choices, that’s for sure. You may be right about most people being like that, I have no idea. I think tossing out other people’s viewpoints without much regard, especially an SO, doesn’t seem like the best way to conduct life.


I would hope a spouse would have regard for the other's viewpoints. In most areas, mine does.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ButterflyGirl said:


> I would hope a spouse would have regard for the other's viewpoints. In most areas, mine does.


There's a huge difference between taking your spouse's viewpoint into consideration and just doing as you're told. Sometimes that difference is lost, however.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Alcohol, sugar, refined food, ready meals, seed oils and vast amounts of carbohydrates are your enemy. Even too much fruit is bad, since it contains tons of sugar. Healthy fats (I know, it sounds wrong lol) are ok. You will be surprised what you find in food if you don't check the labels. My (ex) wife is the same. She is 3 times as big now and her knees are starting to go. You should see how much sugar she puts in her coffee, her portions, the chocolate and all the snacking she does. Let alone the diet coke.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Imagine if a husband said to his wife, your fat and unattractive and needs to get in shape so we can have more sex. 

I think you want to put these things in a compliment sandwich, before and after the comment, and perhaps work towards just some small change.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Imagine if a husband said to his wife, your fat and unattractive and needs to get in shape so we can have more sex.
> 
> I think you want to put these things in a compliment sandwich, before and after the comment, and perhaps work towards just some small change.


White or brown, for the sandwich?


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

ButterflyGirl said:


> So I invited H (mid-50's, married 27 years) to a restaurant thinking he wouldn't have an explosive reaction to "the talk" about the lack of intimacy and impact on family activities and his health issues over the past several years (It's in a previous post so I won't repeat all of it). In short, in addition to what is likely pre-diabetes, he has two bad feet which make it hard for him to walk or be active, has gained 100 pounds over the last few years, has hip, knee and upper and lower spine problems, and other random things. I think there is depression as he says some days he questions why all of this has happened and really gets in a mental funk. He says he will get the foot surgery, but feels the other (hip and spine) are too risky with surgery. The pre-diabetes he does try to eat better. He says this is the 'worse" in "for better and for worse" and "sickness" in the "in sickness and in health". The last thing I want to be is selfish and kick somebody while they are down, yet I am also part of the marriage. He says me pressuring him for any physical relationship as well as outings and activities (there is always at least some minimal walking) just are added stresses to everything else in his life and that I am being unfair. I really could use feedback on if I am off-base with this. I am all about supporting him, though I don't think he is doing all he can - though if that reason is because of fear, maybe I am being unfair. Where is the line drawn with being selfish stating your own needs when a spouse or SO is going through a very hard time?


Many people fail to understand that health issues are often accompanied by depression, especially when we are older and knowing that the best we can do is try to keep the health problems under control but are not going to get any better.
Sometimes people with severe health issues are inclined to give up on themselves, such as appearance and even becoming anti social and grumpy, especially if during their younger days they were fit and had lots of energy.
I do feel those with health problems that their behaviors should be better understood and to a point some allowances made for them, although I do realise it can place a strain on those who care or live with them.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Same exact thing happened to a good friend of mine. He hanged himself after his wife left him.


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I thought I might get some pushback on that.
> 
> If my wife has a certain medical issue and I know about it, I have a voice that can maybe influence or help her choices. Or I can not do anything and leave it up to her. I'm not saying I'm responsible for her decisions, but I can and should help if it is reasonable.
> 
> ...


Doesn’t matter if she tries to be a team and make suggestions or help him or be positive, if he’s not on board. She can’t force him to be a team on this just as she cannot force him not to eat cake, candy, Big Macs, or oversized portions or whatever his bad habits are. Can’t help someone that is not open to help.


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t go better. I don’t like that he doesn’t seem to acknowledge YOU, and YOUR feelings and the effect on YOU at all. It’s all about him. It doesn’t sound like he has any of intention of making the serious life style changes he would need to to improve his health or your marriage. Just eating a little better is not going to fix this. It would take serious commitment and determination and it just doesn’t sound like he’s interested. The maddening part is that probably 90% of his physical problems would go away if he lost the weight. I know you feel bad/guilty, but maybe it’s time to get a little angry that HE doesn’t feel bad or guilty. The reality is, you deserve better than what the next 10-20 years are going to bring you with him. Easier said than done, of course, but remember, you’re not getting any younger. Once these years are gone you don’t get them back. He wants a nursemaid for the rest of his life, not a wife and partner. Can you go the rest of your life without without ever going to concert, or to the beach, or on vacation without your husband ever again? I’m just not sure he’s taking you seriously. Even if he’s suffering depression, likely, he still has the responsibility to your family to address it.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Friends husband followed the diet I told him about and had lost over 150 lbs. It is time consuming with meal prep, more expensive with how much you eat and gives you energy like you are on meth.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> Friends husband followed the diet I told him about and had lost over 150 lbs. It is time consuming with meal prep, more expensive with how much you eat and gives you energy like you are on meth.


Ok, I'll bite. Tell US about it.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Ok, I'll bite. Tell US about it.


Total Body Makeover. Eat 5 meals a day, body turns into a furnace, burning everything you eat instead of storing it as fat like when one diets. When the body realizes in just a couple hours it will receive more food, it converts it all to energy. I felt like I could jump up and run a marathon. Felt amazing. 

Drawback was you ate so much food, whether hungry or not, that food just kind of lost its taste, you were just feeding the fire. I would spend all day on Saturday cooking and preparing meals for the following week. 

Odd thing was, every couple of hours you were hungry. It is easy for a guy to loose a pound a day. I dropped from 312 to 255 in 2.5 months. I was a big bread eater and milk drinker, so that was difficult to cut out the bread, milk and processed sugar.


----------



## evelyco (Nov 10, 2021)

It's just comfortable for him to go with the flow and not change anything. If I were you, I would think, how important is such a marriage then? Clearly, if he doesn't care about his health, he doesn't care about you. If there's any chance of changing his mind, start by making a diet meal if he's having such a hard time walking. Maybe he'll go for it… I don't really like to cook at home, and I try to always find a vegan restaurant with non-calorie meals, thank goodness such are plenty in my state, as well as on vacation in germany, where I often dined at restaurant füssen and ordered something boiled. But if he doesn't want to follow even the slightest diet, consider a divorce.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He’s gained 100 lbs? Was he already overweight to begin with? It will be a slow grind to lose so much weight but he has to want to do it for himself. Pleasing his wife can be icing on the cake but it can’t be the sole motivator. For someone to allow themselves to balloon up like that, they may be also dealing with some emotional issues. It could help to get some individual counseling.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Sounds like the best source of weight loss and exercise for him is a swimming pool. Super low impact on the joints. Works well in conjunction with a healthy diet for people with mobility issues trying to slim down. Any public indoor pools in your area OP.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

ButterflyGirl said:


> I have read all of the replies and been thinking about it all as responses were different as I might expect. We went out again and had Italian, he actually ate very well and healthy (salad, grilled meat, etc.), so I'm not really sure on the eating part of it where it is going wrong since I buy and cook healthy at home. He is going to have some dental work done which is probably the least of the concerns, but he is doing SOMETHING. That has been put off for years. I am wondering if I should start a new thread (not sure when to start a new thread and when to continue an old one) about how to cope if we stay together instead of splitting up. We still need to have more discussion about this, but I need to gather my thoughts before I do on what is and is not possible.


but what did he say? What is his attitude about what you discussed and how does he intend to change things?


----------

