# I can't sleep, I want out. Please advice.



## SleeplessInFL (Sep 29, 2011)

Hi, this is my first post here. I am hoping to get an outside perspective on my situation.

I've been married for 5 years, we don't have any kids. I want out of my marriage, but I am undecided. I am afraid of everything.

My apologies if this is TMI. It has been several times that my husband has woken me up in the middle of the night telling me I was touching myself. I tell him that I was doing no such thing, that I was sound asleep, and I was not even having erotic dreams of any kind. The last few times, he starts to press his body against me, trying to keep my arms and hands from moving. Last few times this has happened, he even touched my nether parts to "check" if I was wet. 

I haven't done anything wrong. I explain and explain to no avail. Last time this happened I told him not to do it, and I shied away from him, and he held me to "check". I feel very violated by this. After these things happen he never apologizes. I always have to go and apologize to him.

Last time this happened, I told him I was very upset by all this, that this was not in my control, and he said that then the only way in which he could sleep at ease was tying my hands. I don't know if he was joking or not.

Besides that I think I've reached my limit in this marriage. He never moves a finger. I have to do everything at home. Bills, fix the faucet if it gets clogged, fix the toilet if it leaks, take the cars to the mechanic, fill windshield washer fluid, carry the clothes to the building laundrymat. I ask him for help, and he says not now, later. And after all this the least he could do is respect me, and he doesn't.

I don't think I love him any more. My friends tell me he is abusive. I just want to sleep and rest, not thinking on how he is going to wake me up the next day. I am just afraid of everything. I don't know how to take the next step.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Give him an ultimatum and a week. 

1. Dont do it again or you are done
2. Help WHEN you ask or you are done

Either he will 

1. Get the picture and fix it for a week or 
2. Be an abusive idiot (then you can leave)

If he does number 1 then it will run dry and you will have to remind him. 

If my daughter was putting up with this crap, I would come get her and set her up somwhere else without this idiot


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## SleeplessInFL (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks YupItsMe. On one hand I think I am in an abusive relationship, on the other hand I don't know if I am blowing things out of proportion.

Today I though of grabbing my things stuffing them in my car and going to my mom's house. But at the end, I just got in the car and drove to work. We don't have kids, own a house, or anything, I don't know what's holding me back.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm thinking there was a recent post around here somewhere - in the sex forums - about women having orgasms during their sleep.

You are NOT doing anything wrong. You really aren't doing anything at all...you're sleeping!

As a man - and please forgive ME if this is TMI - but I think I would be aroused by this. I certainly wouldn't scold you and "check" to see how things felt.

I would simply tell him that he is NOT allowed to touch you while you are sleeping. If he continues - and is abusive in other ways - start making an exit plan.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

This also from a guy's perspective:

He is an A-hole. He is violating you in bed and an A-hole for getting his knickers in a bunch even if you do touch yourself in your sleep. You might try counseling and if he is not willing to do that then he won't get the message unless you leave him, in which case he may come around because he knows you are serious or you will have your answer.

P.S. there is a difference between not helping at all (not OK), not helping when asked (not OK), and not "jumping too" to help immediately when asked to help, but helping as requested but on his schedule (generally OK)


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Not that this is the main issue, but I don't get what his issue is even if you ARE touching yourself in your sleep? Who cares?! That doesn't mean he needs to hold you down or tie you up. It's not like you're beating him with a club in your sleep! Even if you are doing it, it's not wrong, and he certainly doesn't have a right to be policing your sexuality.
Is he using this excuse as a method of controlling you? Is he playing mind games to get you to think that you're doing something you're not? I don't get it.


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## SleeplessInFL (Sep 29, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I would simply tell him that he is NOT allowed to touch you while you are sleeping. If he continues - and is abusive in other ways - start making an exit plan.


I've told him this every time this happens. But since he never apologizes, and I don't like to be upset with him, I always go and apologize to him.

This last time I got really upset, and told him not to do it ever again, and he doesn't understand, he thinks he is in the right. HE thinks he is entitled.


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## SleeplessInFL (Sep 29, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> P.S. there is a difference between not helping at all (not OK), not helping when asked (not OK), and not "jumping too" to help immediately when asked to help, but helping as requested but on his schedule (generally OK)


In my case, if he would ever do anything I would be ecstatic. If I wait for him, things never get done. Instead he gets home and sits at the computer playing games, with the lights on up until 3 AM.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

It's abusive. He's invading your privacy while you sleep, then trying to make you feel guilty for something you have no idea if you're doing, if you are. 

And even if you were, I mean seriously?!?! You have every right to touch yourself whenever you want, for however long you want, without any input from him.

you're young, you have no kids, get out now. This is controlling behavior where you feel like you have to apologize to him, putting your feelings and thoughts behind his. It will only get worse, and I have a hunch he's absolutely serious about tying your hands when you sleep.

pack a bag, get going.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

SleeplessInFL said:


> I've told him this every time this happens. But since he never apologizes, and I don't like to be upset with him, I always go and apologize to him.
> 
> This last time I got really upset, and told him not to do it ever again, and he doesn't understand, he thinks he is in the right. HE thinks he is entitled.


Its abusive. You need to leave. Sorry...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why does he care if you touch yourself?

That's weird and abusive. No one should be held down to be "checked" if you're wet.

What a creep. Leave that butthole.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, Sleepless, I don't know if you'll revisit this thread or not, but if you do ... I think the only thing that is keeping you from leaving is your fear of the unknown. Sure, it's tough to begin over again, but life DOES get better.

You don't love this guy, and to be honest, he's a royal horse's a$$. He is invading your personal space, and trampling all over your boundaries.

No kids. No mortgage. You ARE lucky. You can get out with a minimum amount of hassle. Cut your losses. You'll look back on this in a couple of years and breathe a sigh of relief. Honest.


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## SleeplessInFL (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. It helps to hear these things from an outside perspective.



Prodigal said:


> Well, Sleepless, I don't know if you'll revisit this thread or not, but if you do ... I think the only thing that is keeping you from leaving is your fear of the unknown. Sure, it's tough to begin over again, but life DOES get better.


Prodigal, you are completely right. I am afraid. I am afraid of the chaos that will blow up when I tell him. I am afraid of the change. I am afraid of living alone. Also, I feel, I guess, pity for him. He doesn't think there is anything wrong. He has no idea.

I can recognize the things that are happening. I know they are wrong. I consider myself a strong woman. And yet, I don't know how to get out. I can't find the courage. I don't know.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If he doesn't think anything is wrong he is simply not listening or doesn't care. You've told him repeatedly! If my wife did this I would be aroused not indignant! 

This dudes got issues!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It sounds to me like he has some kind of a control fetish (like you're not allowed to touch yourself unless he tells you to). Definitely unacceptable unless you're into that too! I wonder, is he from a culture where treating women like that is acceptable? (If there even are such cultures....) You know what to do... get out, and move on with your life! The others are right - with no kids and no mortgage, it won't be that difficult to do logistically, if you can just get past the initial fear of the unknown. *HUGS* be strong, later you'll thank yourself for not waiting longer to get out!


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Ha! This is great PhD material!


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