# Divorce after 4 months separation: too soon?



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

After 22 years together my wife had an online EA that I found out, last year. This caused me great grief at the time and I couldn't quite cope with it so I moved out to collect my thoughts. At the time I moved out my main concern was if the affair had finished or not and if I could live with her betrayal. This was about 4 months ago.

After some 2.5 months of deeply believing that I should go back soon'ish, I had an epiphany whereby my main concern became "I don't think we can get over the tons of resentment we both carry from many years together". Her affair itself faded into the background. The thing is now I'm going through a fase where I really don't care what she's up to on that count. I just don't believe we can ever rollback to when we're truly happy... if we ever were (it was always a bit rocky: tempers were frequently high and sex incredibly low).

My wife says she doesn't want to divorce and wants me back. The problem is, after all she said to me in the last years we were together (even way before her affair), I can only place her interest in getting back on material or logistic matters (we have 2 daughters). This causes me even more aversion and resentment for her: These days when we meet we're civilized but highly passive aggressive.

Some friends tell me I should go ahead and divorce her asap. No use in keeping open matters, especially because they feel we will always be miserable if we move back. And in any case, there's nothing keeping us from getting back together after a divorce if we're really meant to be.

Other friends tell me to leave the divorce thing alone, and sit tight solely as separate because 4 months is not nearly enough. A good, longer wait will do us a world of good because nothing really is un-mendable if we just let off some steam.

What does everyone think, and what is everyone's experience on this? Is it too early? Is my "couldn't care" thing just a phase (i.e. I will miss her terribly in a couple months time)? If I don't divorce asap won't that be delaying the inevitable and sending everyone the wrong signals? Likewise, if I divorce asap may I be doing it too lightly?

Many thanks!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I cannot tell from your post if you really *know* that you are "done." Sometimes, people absolutely know it--but your story isn't the typical one for that pattern. For those who are truly done, the moment they cross the divide from "I couldn't leave him/her" to "oh, yes, I can!", they have a huge sense of relief and absolutely no doubt about it. There is just no looking back. The certainty is pervasive. It does not sound to me like you are at that point--so waiting is not "delaying the inevitable," because you aren't sure it IS the inevitable. In that case, I'd recommend waiting b/c you have kids and it won't hurt to wait and see if you start to miss your wife after some of the resentment fades. That can take months and months, however, so the question is, do you start working on reconciling or do you stay apart? Being separated is definitely unlikely to help you rebuild the marriage. You can rebuild while still feeling resentment, developing better communication, etc., even as you are processing the old stuff.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> I cannot tell from your post if you really *know* that you are "done." Sometimes, people absolutely know it--but your story isn't the typical one for that pattern. For those who are truly done, the moment they cross the divide from "I couldn't leave him/her" to "oh, yes, I can!", they have a huge sense of relief and absolutely no doubt about it. There is just no looking back.


Well, I see what you are saying. I don't yet know 100% that we are done, but I certainly have gone from "I couldn't leave her" to "yes, I can". Namely because I have a new lady friend that - despite her misgivings about my current situation - has been extremely supportive and with whom I have been enjoying a lot of the great times I wished I had had on my marriage.



sisters359 said:


> do you start working on reconciling or do you stay apart? Being separated is definitely unlikely to help you rebuild the marriage. You can rebuild while still feeling resentment, developing better communication, etc., even as you are processing the old stuff.


The problem is I did go back for a few days over Christmas+New Year. And while it was "ok", I could clearly see that - towards the end of those days - we were both falling into the old ways, criticisms and recrimination. In fact, I would say that my stay was greatly responsible for me starting to believe that there may not be a way back.

So, really, it's catch 22 here. We may not be able to mend without cohabitation, but I really have no drive whatsoever to leave my present state of bliss for what is likely be the flogging of a dead horse. 

Am I being short-sighted and egotistical here?


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

Just curious, this lady friend of yours. Would you consider what you have with her an EA if you were still with your wife? If so then that could have an impact on your feelings to reconcile. Also if you aren't going to get married you can just sit on the separation and wait for the divorce. Do you have a sep. agreement in place? Where i live we have to wait 12 months before we can file for divorce, have to be sep first. My thought would be to wait a year. If you still feel the same way then file to have your closure. I didn't start any new relationships or dating till 6 months after my sep. Mind you I wasn't ready and it blew up in my face but i had a good 6 months of being alone to figure out what i felt about him. after that it was a waiting period till the 12 months were up to file.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

1dayatatime said:


> Just curious, this lady friend of yours. Would you consider what you have with her an EA if you were still with your wife? If so then that could have an impact on your feelings to reconcile.


It actually has gone further than that. We are dating fairly frequently, on the days when when we're not with our respective kids, and it has gone past the emotional into the physical. And not only do we get along great just when hanging out, but the physical thing has been awesome: I include that on one of the areas I mentioned as being sorely lacking on my marriage (basically, my W was never in the mood).

Now I know what you are going to say: the physical thing is going to cloud my judgement regarding reconciliation. And I would say you're probably right. The problem is that, for the best part of the 22 years I was together with my wife, I've been all good sense, doing "the right thing" and no passion. I look back at that not with bitterness but with great sadness, as I did (do?) love my wife. And I wished it hadn't been so.  But it was, and now I feel that - going back - will be throwing good years after bad.

Now, do I believe my lady friend is "the one" or a soulmate? No, I don't think so... but then again I'm too much of an engineer to believe there are "ones" and "soulmates". I think there's just people that you really love to be with, that make you feel good and that you strive to make them feel good too.



1dayatatime said:


> My thought would be to wait a year. If you still feel the same way then file to have your closure. I didn't start any new relationships or dating till 6 months after my sep. Mind you I wasn't ready and it blew up in my face but i had a good 6 months of being alone to figure out what i felt about him. after that it was a waiting period till the 12 months were up to file.


In my case I sat on the fence after separation for some 2 or so months, always keeping myself from looking around because in the back of my mind I felt this was definitely a "go back" scenario. But as mentioned, on the beginning of Jan it kinda dawned on me that I wasn't doing anyone a favour if I didn't at least "consider" the alternative. And as luck would have it I met this lady friend a couple of weeks later...

But I concur with you and, at times, I can also see something for not filing in for a while more. Am I getting cold feet about it, or does it really make sense? I really don't know...  Would love to know similar stories from other people to sense if I'm doing this all wrong...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds like you've got one foot out the door. 

Might as well make it two. 

You only get one shot at this life, and it sounds to me, from everything you've said, that your marriage was over long ago.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Since I left my wife last February, there has been absolutely no talk of reconciling, from either of us. I started seeing someone shortly after moving out, and in my case, I feel pretty sure that this relationship has had a big impact on quashing any second thoughts I might have had. But I realize this, and am realistic (I think) in understanding the impact it's had. My point is that I think you need to be more aware of the impact your relationship has with your decision making process. I doubt you'll feel more like going back to working things out with your wife for as long as you have this other woman in your life.

So... My thoughts are either work on ending your marriage (and give up the lady friend), or work on reconciling (and keep the lady friend out of your life). I don't think either one is right or wrong, but for everyone's sake, pick a direction. Until you do, you'll just stay in limbo and never move forward with your life. And neither will your wife and kids.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

OneMan said:


> So you're cheating and still holding your wife's affair over her head? Not cool.


If you read my text attentively, you'll see that I really am not holding my wife's affair over her head at all. When I moved out, certainly, but not for a couple of months now.

In fact, I do believe (not 100% sure) she's beginning to hang out with one guy in particular (not her original EA person) and - you know what? - I really don't feel bad about that at all. It's strange but I find myself thinking "good on you girl" about the matter.

I am under the idea (maybe wrong) that, even if we are to ever go back, we sorely need to go out with people in the meantime. The reason for this is to be sure that we really want each other back and not just that it's convenient that we get back. Since we were highschool sweethearts that really didn't date anyone other than each other, we really haven't had a point of comparison for our marriage and I feel it's better to take this opportunity to get that insight than to go back and let it all slide back down again.


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## myelw316 (Nov 18, 2011)

My advice is to wait.
You are ready to throw it in because a. you were hurt by her EA and b. now you have one and it is causing YOUR fog.
I almost did that scenario...my H was in EA. Had a couple male friends that noticed that my H took me off the 'married to' link on Facebook and approached me as 'friends' trying to 'help'. I was sad and hurt by my H's EA and talked somewhat through texting to these 2 people...who both asked to meet me. I wanted someone to make ME happier and almost met with them. But I thought it through and realized that until I know 200%, it will not help for us to BOTH get into a fog.
Cut off your EA. Do not divorce. History gives you 'bad stuff' with your spouse...every person has it. It isn't your spouse, it is life. If you work it OUT with your spouse, you both grow and have the chance to learn with each other instead of running and thinking you won't do the same things....doesn't work. Your spouse KNOWS you. ALL of you. If you work it out with them it will be a REAL change in your life for the better.
I am on that road myself, and it is a pain.in.the.a$$, to be sure, but he is worth it and our marriage is worth it and our children and family are worth it. 
Don't ditch and run and start over unless you are being physically abused.
Other things can be worked through and you can be stronger. 
I am CERTAIN there will be people on here who disagree with me wholeheartedly, and I disagree with myself somedays, but at the end of the day I do believe that people give up waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easily now. Wait a year.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

myelw316 said:


> Do not divorce. History gives you 'bad stuff' with your spouse...every person has it. It isn't your spouse, it is life. If you work it OUT with your spouse, you both grow and have the chance to learn with each other instead of running and thinking you won't do the same things....doesn't work. Your spouse KNOWS you. ALL of you. If you work it out with them it will be a REAL change in your life for the better.


I can certainly understand this. In fact, I actually have always believed this. And I am certainly NOT going to even try to defend that I am not in any sort of fog myself. I'm not any better than everyone else on this matter.

But this such is my cross: my friends tell me I am the most rational as well as the most "by the book" person they can think of. And I know full well about the fog from my wife's EA. All this makes me a fair bit more capable of compensating for my fog than most people.

But when I close my eyes, breath deeply, and actively try to push back the fog and look for those "moments of marital bliss" you tend to forget in these situations... I keep going back... and back... and back... and all I see is disharmony. At least as far back as our 1st child's birth (almost 10 years ago), I cannot think of a single week where we didn't argue heavily.

myelw316, when you do the same... can you easily find great weekends you had with your H? Times when you get that feeling "this is how it's meant to be"? How far back did you have to go and how often can you find these havens?

Because I certainly cannot. 



myelw316 said:


> but at the end of the day I do believe that people give up waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easily now. Wait a year.


Agree. I'm actually a christian and always felt that marriage was for life. And that's why I stuck to it for the whole 15 years (after 7 years dating). And that's why I never, EVER, cheated on my wife throughout those years.

Now, if this wasn't giving it a fair chance... I don't know what it is.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am a believer in trying to save the marriage if you believe you can be patient. There are many that will always jump to say divorce and move on, but that is why the divorce rate is as high as it is. We live in a world where patience is not a virtue to be respected.

Studies show those who hang with it are happier 5 years out than those who divorce.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Convenient bit of information you left out in the first post. 

Look, you have NO chance of making a rational decision while involved with someone else. You are just kidding yourself if you think you can.

Decide if you would be happier alone--and the only way to know is to be alone. Chances are very good that the woman you are with right now won't be someone you will end up with long term. So make sure you are deciding based on whether you want to be married to your wife or not, and not deciding that you want to be with this new woman more, b/c that is not "long haul" thinking.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

*UPDATE*: went home this evening to help out on a school project my eldest had to hand over tomorrow. Had a pleasant dinner with Wife and our kids and a frank chat with her after the kids went to bed.

Basically it became clear to her that I'm physically involved with someone (I mentioned that it turns out I am not as bad a lover as she always made me believe I was and that, for some unknown reason to me, I "lasted" way longer with my lady friend than I ever did with her) and she made it clear to me that she is also physically involved with that other guy ("we go on for the whole afternoon and I do stuff with him I didn't do with you").

I know this all sounds incredibly crass, but believe me when I say the conversation was really calm, civilized and these revelations just flowed by. There was no shouting and we parted ways very amicably... and it was actually quite cathartic.

In face of this, does anyone still think this marriage can be salvaged?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Do you think she was just trying to 'one up you?'

It really depends... I do truly believe that if two people want to be together they can choose to forgive and move past problems w/ a lot of hard work. Did you all discuss R or D in anyway? Or did you just discuss the fact you all were getting some from others that you were enjoying it. 

I could never have an open relationship, I hear it works for some couples. I couldn't handle it, but I would take my H back if he had a PA and ended it and was open to working things out and transparency in place.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Do you think she was just trying to 'one up you?'
> 
> It really depends... I do truly believe that if two people want to be together they can choose to forgive and move past problems w/ a lot of hard work. Did you all discuss R or D in anyway? Or did you just discuss the fact you all were getting some from others that you were enjoying it.
> 
> I could never have an open relationship, I hear it works for some couples. I couldn't handle it, but I would take my H back if he had a PA and ended it and was open to working things out and transparency in place.


No, I honestly don't think she was trying to one up me. I always kinda know when she is and it didn't sound this time. Especially because she was so calm - almost broken - by it.

We didn't really discuss R or D, although I did hint that I felt it was final before these disclosures. And at the end I asked "so, really, does it even make any sense we don't just divorce?". In the same calm voice she said "I told you, I never want to divorce: I don't want to lose the house".

As for open relationships, I think I'm with you. I don't think it's something I could get my head around personally. She did propose it when we were still together and she was going through her EA, which at the time just drove me out of my mind.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I thought stuff like that (swinging) would interest my H and he thought I was doing it because I was interested... I actually decided I just couldn't handle it. I am too emotional and invest too much... I couldn't go through with it. It's one thing to talk about it... fantasize another to actually think about going through with it. 

Is there a way that the family house can be saved at least for a while? I know that is a HUGE concern for me and my kids. Too much change for my young kids is just too much, but I'd be willing to do it gradually (a few yrs from now). They would have to changes schools, friends, give up pets because we live in rural area... that is just too much change b/c their father wanted out... to put them through.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Yeah... I mean, I can sit on the fence about the divorce for a while and she can stay in the house with the kids in the meanwhile.

The problem is that it's always going to be a temporary solution, months rather than years, as being separated is costing me quite a lot of money: I volunteered to give her a lot more monthly alimony while we're estranged than any court will grant her when we divorce. I did that basically because I initially thought things would pan out.

If we divorce I _may_ be able to support the mortgage on my salary, but I'm sure she won't be able to on hers.


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## myelw316 (Nov 18, 2011)

You asked if it was even worth trying at this point for both of you.
Here is my thought reading through everything a couple times:
You both pulled away and invested elsewhere...doesn't (at this point) matter who did what or when or first....
You discussed where you are now.
It almost seems you both tried to get a reaction out of the other, but neither really gave it.
Nothing is past being salvageable...if you were done (either or both of you) this wouldn't even be discussed. You would file, you would leave.
It 'feels' like neither of you really feel it's over but you are both caught up in other crap to try to make you feel better and you discussed it as a way of bridging a gap....can you make each OTHER feel the way you are feeling in the affairs? Of COURSE you can. It is a CHOICE. Love is an action, it is a decision. Marriage is a commitment. Now, you can break the commitment and move on, but you haven't fixed yourself...you've run from the problem and you will....you WILL re-create it. That is why soooo many second and third marriages end in divorce too. You take yourself with you.
Would you stay with your wife if you could have what you have - the feelings, the sex...all that stuff...with the OW? I think you would. It will take time to get away from the OW and cut contact and resolve those feelings. Same for her.
Maybe a year, even. That's why I said wait on the D.
Wait ....then invest in your marriage. You now know what will happen on BOTH of your ends if you DON'T commit to changing: you will both find other people.
I would try.
If it were me, I wouldn't stop....if you got to the point where you wanted to marry her, have kids with her (and she with you) you can get back there. Both of you need the time to get over the other people and the commitment to invest in each other. And TALK about what you did get from the OM/OW that you aren't getting from each other and each of you commit to doing those things that matter to your spouse. 
I'd give it a year to work through your affair feelings and a year of woking on your marriage. Then you will know for sure.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Sorry for the delay in getting back to this thread. The fact of the matter is I've been taking in all that has been said and really fighting the urge to throw down the towel. As mentioned, it was never in my DNA to end my marriage: I have fairly strong social and moral reasons not to do it. So I have been waiting it out.

Unfortunately, once again, my W opted to make things really hard on we staying together.  After us having a very frank and civilized talk about our respective "special friends", who they were, what they looked like and how deep we were with them two fridays ago (it was such a mature talk I was impressed) last Tuesday my wife really put the last nail in the coffin.

Although I have been extremely generous with my monthly contributions the dreaded money thing came about (i.e. I overpaid 6 months worth of tuition fees, and I said I would be adjusting on my next instalment), saying she's money centric is a HUGE understatement. From here she flew off the handle, started shouting at our eldest (9 year old!) how her "father was f***ing another woman, just like he likes them, with blue eyes and big t*ts" - you can imagine how shocked I was! Then she moved to try and slap me (as she did many times in the past), I managed to hold her off at a safe distance and when she finally cooled off she said she would hunt down the other woman, and every other woman I would ever be with.

This is quite fresh coming from the person who had the affair that brought down our separation in the first place, and has admitted to sleeping with a couple of guys since we split (she still keeps one of them)!

Not happy with that, she said that the reason she was seeing the guy she's seeing now is because he's affluent. I'm sure she meant that as a way to say "he's not important" but since one of my major gripes with coming back is that I feel she wants it just for the $tability it bring$, it just made me even more convinced that I never, EVER, want to be put through these sad spectacles again or endure this sort of utilitarian and denigrating view of me.

I am sad to say that I've arranged to meet my lawyer and discuss how I should go about this divorce thing.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Similar story. I Discovered inappropriate contact between my wife and another man, but she insisted nothing physical occurred.

We both decided to separate, mainly due to the line she crossed as well as where we both were in the marriage (roommates with children). 

The following 3-4 months, I stewed in anger/hurt/bitterness/fear. So, I filed for divorce. Then, the adversarial relationship ramped up. 

2 months later, I had second thoughts. Wanted to do anything to work on our marriage to clear consciences. Well, now, I don't want a divorce. She does. According to her, the filing cemented her closure to the marriage.

I convinced her to put things on hold and attend marriage counseling. We are doing that presently.

However, she stated she attends more for my support rather than reconciling the marriage. She has stated that there is a very, very, very small chance at reconciliation.

My big mistakes? Moving out of the house and filing for divorce. Both done in the heat of the moment. Now, when my cooler head prevails, my wife seems determined to end our marriage, and attend counseling, "just to go through the motions."

I have regrets and fear. I hope and will work at improving myself.


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## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Hi Jayb,

Yes, I see great similarities... however let me ask you this:

- Would you consider you marriage, prior to your wife's EA to have been happy-to-ok for the most part (even if you have to rewind a few years)? I feel this makes a whole lot of difference in the amount of second thoughts you get about dropping the marriage. In my particular case and much to my sadness, my marriage always went from ok-to-downright rocky. So, other than the stability and the kids, I can't imagine going "back to happier times". 

- Have you or your wife met someone since the split? Couldn't quite understand if you said she is still with the OM. In my case, since the separation I have happened upon someone that is meeting my needs both in terms of friendship and physical "interaction"... both for the first time in easily 15 years. My wife is enjoying seeing someone too, though she tells me she would drop him if I came back. This doesn't particularly swing me one way or another TBH.

So, I am still on track to meet the lawyer next week and then decide if and when I'm going fwd with this.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

ForlornHubby said:


> Hi Jayb,
> 
> Yes, I see great similarities... however let me ask you this:
> 
> ...


Marriage prior would best be described as just ok. Others would say great due to us both involved in children's lives, activities, etc. Intimacy and alone time suffered greatly. Plus, 2 years prior to the EA, I was stressed from work, withdrew, began drinking. Then I was laid off and unemployed a year after. Continued the misery without sharing with my wife. It was during this year long stretch of unemployment that my wife convinced herself that she was done with our marriage.

I obtained employment, began the slow crawl from my misery and then, 6 months later, was slapped upside the head by hearing ILYBINILWY, shortly followed by finding evidence of this EA. I was and still am knocked.

We both have not met nor dated anyone since the separation. It may have been her way of performing an exit affair to further convince herself that the marriage was over. I filed for divorce based upon the evidence of the EA, but I was caught up in emotion.

Now, she seems emotionally over us, although very friendly. She wants to maintain close friendship no matter what happens, primarily for our childrens' sake.

I want 1 more chance.


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