# W wants to be alone, won't try, please help!



## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

Is there any hope for me?

We have been married for 9 years and just had our first child (7 months old). The child was extremely stressful for her for the first five months at which point she starting thinking she would be more happy alone then with me. 

Now the kid is easy, but she just wants to escape from our marriage. She felt unhappy soon after the pregnancy and without talking to anyone decided that she would be more happy living along. She doesn't want to have to make life decisions with anyone anymore, thinks a marriage is too much work to be worth it. She feels that when alone, life is so much easier; yet claims she loves me as much as she always has.

She has agreed to see a counselor finally, but is convinced it will make no difference. She will be moving out soon and I think divorce won't be too far behind. 

The biggest problem is that she is unwilling to try to make things work out. From what I have read, if she is unwilling to try ... we have no chance. Any attempt to talk to her about it just convinces her more that its too much work.

Advice?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sounds like potential depression after the child. Counseling for her is probably the best move. Together as well, but she needs it if she is saying those things. You need to give her space. If she agrees to go to counseling and goes, then you are starting down the right path.

I'm in counseling now with my w and the counselor is helping us both I think. We have individual sessions and couples sessions. There have been dark moments of course but I've minimized those by not expecting anything in return from her. 

You need to work on yourself, make sure you are happy (I'm talking life in general outside of your relationship), and give her space. If you hound her and keep asking things right now that will most likely do the opposite you want.

I know it is tough, just hang in there and give her your best without expecting anything in return.

That's my two cents.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Hmmm sounds awful selfish.

Is it possible she has postpartem depression? You should look into it.

You need to ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you did to contribute to her condition. A little more background story might help too.

Hang in there, its tough but you can do it. She might just need a little space to sort out her head. Do your best to make her feel loved and maybe she will see the light. She hasnt truly given up, or she wouldnt go to councelling.

Fire away the questions, people on here are very willing to help. Welcome to the forums.


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## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

I hurt her many years ago when I was unemployed and not dealing well with a gaming addiction (was able to quit). At this time, she wanted to leave but felt she should stick it out. Once I was employed again, things were good again, but it left this really dark period in our marriage.

Fast forward four good years ...

After our baby, she began to feel that I wasn't helping out enough on the housework. She didn't say anything and let her anger build until she was ready to leave again. She fell back into the mindset she had during the previous dark years quite suddenly. Now she can't see ever having happiness while living with someone else.

Its been five weeks since she finally said anything and I have instituted every change in my behavior that she said was bothering her. She says none of it makes any difference now, she is only happy at home when I am gone for the day.

She says she is no longer committed to our relationship working out, that trying to make it work out would mean ignoring her feelings of wanting to be alone. Even if it did work out, she thinks it would only be temporary. She is moving out August 1st and wants to date me one day a week while having the freedom to have me-time. 

She says it is a trial separation, but has completely convinced herself she wants to live alone for the rest of her life. She has already started looking at houses to buy without me and looking into divorce, which among other things has convinced me this isn't really a trial.

From everything she says, it really seems like she no interest in ever living with me again (she says every living with anyone). She feels guilty for hurting me, but is exhibiting no other emotions about our marriage ending.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hap,

I still think it is depression talking. All you can do is pursue counseling with her; give her space; work on yourself to be happy; and expect nothing in return.

If you do that than you know you gave it your all and in the long run will make sure you are happy.


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## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

Does that mean I should just let her move out and do everything I can to help her achieve this?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Yes and no (nice answer, huh?)

You can't stop her from moving out, thats a given, but dont make it too hard for her. maybe she does need some space and will realize that she is making a mistake.

Don't make it too easy for her though. If she really wants to do this, she has to realize she will be doing it on her own. Let her know this:

- That you dont approve of her leaving, but its ultimately her choice.
- That you love her and will support her as you see fit
- That you would *really* like to *help* with getting councelling (either together or separate) Be as supportive as you can.

You really need to look into this depression though. Postpartem depression can be extremely serious. Learn all you can about it and talk to her about it. Im sure some of the ladies on here will have more insight on this.

Take care


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

I too think its postpartum depression. PPD can last up to 1-2 years after the birth of a child. She has the classic symptoms....unfortunately its hard to get someone to admit they are ill and they need help.
I agree. Give her space, let her know how much you love her and you're here to support her, and she's going to have to work through this herself. Consider speaking to her doctor, family or friends to see if they can help. PPD can get very serious if not treated...

Pamela
Do It Yourself Divorce | Divorce Forms | File For Divorce


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hap,

As Dark and Div2wice said you have to let her move out if that is her wish. If you beg her not to or consistently ask her about it - it will only lead to resentment from her.

I agree with Div that you should talk with her friends and family to make sure she is okay as well. I was in a funk for a year and didn't realize it and sure didn't listen to my w when she tried to reach me and now I'm here. You will have to let her find herself again. If you don't, then there is no possible future. Remember to love her and expect nothing in return - it is called agape love.

Again just my two cents.


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## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks for the help so far.

Update:

Wife started therapy, therapist says it isn't depression.

Apparently, she has caretaker issues and has reached her breaking point. She says she has lost herself and shouldn't have gotten married so early. She is overjoyed about the prospect of living alone and looking to buy a house without me as soon as possible.

She is still moving out, but we have almost another month living in the same house, same bed. At this point there is an 80% chance she will divorce me two months after she moves out if she is happy once she has moved out. This seems so rushed to me.

It seems like she is rushing away just to keep her nerve to go through with it. Once out, she never wants to come back because it will be harder for her to leave again if things only worked out for a while.

Is there anything I can do to be proactive? I truly believe it is a couple of very small personality defects we each have that can be mitigated through therapy. She can only see that she hasn't been happy and will be happy alone.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Unfortunately she may have to really spend some time alone to see if it really is what she wants. It's hard to say right now, it could go either way.

All you can really do is let her know that you really dont want her to leave, but you wont stop her or make life difficult for her. You can be supportive, but make sure you dont jump at her every request. She needs to understand that not everything will be better.

If I understand correctly she is struggling with being a mother and loosing her a part of her youth. She has to worry about many more things now that she has a child then she did before hand.

How is she as a mother? If she does leave you have even more difficult questions to ask yourself. Can she really provide proper care for your child?

Im sorry things didnt work out for you. Dont give up though untill *you* feel ready too. Things could turn around but you cant dwell on it. Just be the best person you can be and try to be happy in your own life. Its hard, but it can be done.

Hang in there.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

It does sound like PPD to me but regarding the divorce thing and the house purchase, speaking from personal experience, when I first separated from my H I was looking at divorce right away because the initial 'I need out' is so strong you can't fathom a reconsiliation at all.

Extremes come first... space yes, and try your best to make sure the counceling happens.

Take care.


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## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

Update:

I found out she had an affair on a business trip and when she got back she had already decided to leave me. That's when it all changed and she closed herself off to me and decided to leave. She had also been lying to me and dating someone during the period we were trying to conceive ... but broke that off when he tried to kiss her, mostly because he was 53 to her 30 and she had lost the attraction.

She started counseling last week, knowing that she is being self destructive and trying to get help. We have our first "couple" therapy session tonight, but she is making sure I know that she doesn't want to fix the relationship. Is that even couples therapy? I start counseling tomorrow as well to work on my own issues.

She says she can't be herself while married to me because I encompass her. That she has no time to be herself between the kid and hanging out with me. That I am involved in every aspect of her life and it is causing her to lose who she is. Anyone out there that felt like this and found a way through it?

She says there is no chance for us until she figures herself out, and she expects when she does the result won't be in my favor. Yet, she also says she is still in love with me, she is staying an extra month to try and work through some of our issues, but even if she did miss me and want to come back, she would fear the box closing around her again.

She says I shouldn't give up hope, but any time I show that I might have a little she purposely says something to crush it. We are going to try a structured separation and I want to just wait and see ... but I feel like an idiot for continuing to hope.

Pain, suffering and despair seem endless. Every day I feel like a little more of me is tortured to death.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Wow, she's really taking you for a spin there.

I think you should continue to work on it, but if you are doing all the right things by your family, also stop groveling (not that you are, but you know what I mean). I wouldn't let her extend her stay. If being alone is so amazing and appealing to her, then go to it. But I'm an angry person like that. The sooner she's out, the sooner she'll see that alone isn't that great either. Right now, she's just living the fantasy. It doesn't mean she will come back to you, but it will humble her.

My best advice to you is go for a consultation with a lawyer. Not because you want to divorce her and not because you aren't trying to fix the marriage - but because it's REALISTIC given the way that she's talking and you have a child to think about. As a father with an infant, you are the underdog here and you must find out what will happen if and when she does decide to go for a divorce. You want to know about custody, visitions, child support and what steps to take (and not take) to make sure that things work in your favor in terms of getting adequate time with your child and adequate rights in his/her life. 

Focus on your child first and foremost. Then focus on yourself. Right now you're in a tailspin, but when you calm down you'll ask yourself if you really want to be with a woman that has done these things to you. Go ahead and take the time to make sure you really do still want her.

Finally ... and I hate to say this ... get a paternity test.


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## hapl0 (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks for your advice. I will be visiting a lawyer sometime in the next month, just to protect myself. The paternity test will have to be done because of the slight doubt, but I am quite confident she is mine.

It seems I will have the opportunity to reignite the spark with her once she is moved out. Anything I do now has little effect. I have to work on letting go of her while getting her to fall in love with me again, while not pressuring her or contacting her much  Anyone provide some stories of how they reignited the spark?

Meanwhile I will work on my own mental health and inner strength. I need to rebuild her respect of me, remind her of why she was attracted to me. Its going to be a tall order with all the baggage we have.

I appreciate any comments.


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