# To Go or Stay Journal



## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

I've posted about this before and the support I received helped me tremendously. So I wanted to start this journal as a way of updating whats going on with me (and hopefully receive continued support). 

This is the long version of what I've posted before. This is where I'm coming from up to where I am now. 

I am a married woman in my mid twenties. My husband and I were teenage sweet hearts, so we've been together a long time. MOST of the issues we've had between each other either stem from my childhood or are a direct correlation to my family and how they currently treat me. 

My father beat me growing up but even worse was the verbal abuse. He left me always feeling like I was the lowest human being, like I could do nothing right, like I wasn't smart enough to do anything and like I deserved the physical and emotional abuse. He would beat me with anything from a dog leash, to a 2x6 board, to those window blind sticks (I'm not sure what they are called). Now that I am out of my parents house and now that I am married my father would never lay a finger on me (my husband would hurt him something awful), but the emotional abuse still continues. 

I always wondered when I was little why my mother nevver loved me. I never knew until several years ago that my mother was a psychopath. She told me this herself and when I asked why she said it she said her therapist told her. After researching it it made complete sense. The lack of love from her to me, the not caring about my general well being... it all makes sense now. One of the worst parts about it is the mind games. My mother is thee best manipulator, master of mind games, and lier I've ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life. And while she may be mean to me in private (she is also emotionally abusive towards me), she plays the role of the best mom title to everyone else, including extended family. When she's mean to me, before I leave, she'll have me believing I deserved it or that it is somehow my fault. She loves drama and wrecking havoc and isn't afraid to bring me or my 4 younger siblings into it. 

Couple all this with me being in a traumatic experience at 16... it's to much. I learned a few years ago that because of my traumatic experience I have PTSD. And while I've made great improvements since my diagnosis my family still remains a huge trigger for me. 

It is these triggers that greatly affect my marriage. It's my mother's mind games, it's the emotional abuse from both of my parents. It leaves me feeling like no one can be trusted and like I must leave town to avoid further harm. There have already been several occasions where I attempted to leave everyone behind, including my husband. 

I don't want to be this way. I love my husband very much but I can't help how my family affects me. 

At this point I am trying to discontinue contact with my parents and siblings by leaving town. We are planning on leaving town together, we just need to get all of our ducks in a row first. So until that can happen (hopefully this summer) I am trying to keep the peace and make it to the end of what feels like a very long nightmare.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wow it take courage to realize that your own mom and family is not in your best interests.

I think you should avoid them at all cost from now on. don't answer their calls don't even acknowledge their existence .

but I am curious why you would want to leave your husband. he sounds like he was trying to encourage you to get away from your toxic family and you were not ready. But now that your ready why not embrace him and listen to him and work on your marriage.

your not all dried up your just starting to sprout!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AllDriedUp said:


> So I wanted to start this journal as a way of updating whats going on with me (*and hopefully receive continued support*).
> 
> ....I am a married woman in my mid twenties. My husband and I were teenage sweet hearts, so we've been together a long time. *MOST of the issues we've had between each other either stem from my childhood or are a direct correlation to my family and how they currently treat me.*
> 
> ...


First of all congratulations on having a good understanding of the situation and the strength to handle what has been put on your plate.  

First of all I would suggest you hold off on children until you feel you have put your life back together. Next I totally understand you leaving town with your husband. It will be scary and hard to leave, but you are better off without all that drama. Use distance as an excuse to avoid holiday functions with your parents. 

As you get distance, you might want to find someone who can provide you with some counseling or therapy. If you can't afford that, then in the new place you move to, get involved with a church and seek out the advice of the minister. If you husband is leaving his family as well, my heart goes out to him. Understand his loss and even though your loss of connection to your family will hurt, there will be many positive aspects to it, but his is likely to just be hurt.

Good luck to you. Remeber that in a few months you will have a huge burden lifted off your shoulders. Consider reading up on how to set boundaries. Expect you folks to continue to try to abuse and manipulate from afar, but be ready and have your boundaries in place. 

I personally like the line, you know if you keep this up, you will probably never get to see any of your the grandchildren from my family. From what you have said, I would not allow any child of mine anywhere near your parents.

Good luck


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> wow it take courage to realize that your own mom and family is not in your best interests.
> 
> I think you should avoid them at all cost from now on. don't answer their calls don't even acknowledge their existence .
> 
> ...


Sorry for the slow response. I thought I had subscribed to this thread for email updates. 

Thank you very much for your kind words! 

I have been in and out of contact with my family since I was 15. Every time I think I'm free they pull some maneuver on me to bring me back in. Last summer when I stopped talking to my parents, my mom showed up at my house banging on my front door for close to an hour before I finally answered. She laid the guilt trip on me pretty hard (fake tears and all) and just like that I was back in her grasp. 

It's because I care so much that it always works. I don't think I'll truly be free of them until I move to another city. I say this to say that I know if I try to completely disconnect from them again they will only make this process harder for me and bring me more stress. So instead of discontinuing contact completely, I have limited contact to a minimum. I don't go to the monthly family dinners anymore (and finally after months, they have stopped asking me to come). For the most part we have only been talking through text and maybe a phone call here and there. And I only see them in person when I "have to". 

To answer your question on why I want to leave my husband... it's hard to explain if you've never been through it but I'll try. I don't want to leave my husband. It is only when I am triggered that I want to leave him. Over the past year my family has been the only thing to trigger me. Several months ago my family triggered me so badly I told my husband I wanted a divorce, bought a train ticket, packed a small bag and was intending to move 1500 miles away with no idea where I was going to lay my head at night or how I was going to feed myself. 

So when I'm triggered I am in the fight or flight mode and I'm not completely myself. At this point I quite literally feel like If I don't leave everything I know behind and get away that I am going to die. I know that sounds extreme but that is just how this PTSD thing works. It's a very stressful thing to go through physically and mentally and when it's happening I don't know that I'm not being rational. It isn't until it goes away that I am myself again. 

I'm lucky my mind cleared before I left. It scares me that this happens to me as I can only see bad things coming from me leaving like that. And I'm constantly afraid of being triggered again like that and messing my life up before my mind clears again.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> First of all congratulations on having a good understanding of the situation and the strength to handle what has been put on your plate.
> 
> First of all I would suggest you hold off on children until you feel you have put your life back together. Next I totally understand you leaving town with your husband. It will be scary and hard to leave, but you are better off without all that drama. Use distance as an excuse to avoid holiday functions with your parents.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your kind words and advice!  This place warms my heart with all the nice people here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> I've posted about this before and the support I received helped me tremendously. So I wanted to start this journal as a way of updating whats going on with me (and hopefully receive continued support).
> 
> This is the long version of what I've posted before. This is where I'm coming from up to where I am now.
> 
> ...


I remember your other thread, and I'm sorry to hear that your circumstances haven't improved. I'll repeat the advice that I gave you there...

Why would you leave your husband?!? It sounds like he's your rock and saving grace. Pleeeaaaaase don't cut him out of your life. You need him.

Put your parents in your rearview ASAP. Cut them out of your life -- hard, immediately, and forever.

Additionally, if any of your siblings are also being subjected to abuse at the hands of your parents, advise them to do the same.

Are any of your siblings minors?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AllDriedUp said:


> ....I have been in and out of contact with my family since I was 15. Every time I think I'm free they pull some maneuver on me to bring me back in. Last summer when I stopped talking to my parents, my mom showed up at my house banging on my front door for close to an hour before I finally answered. She laid the guilt trip on me pretty hard (fake tears and all) and just like that I was back in her grasp.
> 
> It's because I care so much that it always works.
> 
> ...


Again, read up on how to set boundaries.

A guilt trip only works if you let it work. You mother only has the control over you that you allow her to have. You can choose to become the adult in the relationship with her, look her in the eye and tell her that you are sorry she feels the way she does, but you need to protect yourself and your husband from the emotional trauma she inflicts upon you. You don't need to get angry, you just need to focus on an adult response and focus on your greater love for yourself and your husband than your love for your mother. Set boundaries.

Another thing you might want to read up on is emotional flooding. It is different than PTSD, but it is all about your rational brain shutting down during a fight or flight moment.

Finally, you might and while it may sound like quackery, you might read up on PTSD treatment via emotional freedom techniques. I knew a hypnotherapist whose husband was a firefighter and after a particularly grisly fire where a number of young children died, the entire firehouse was very depressed. She had just recieved some EFT training and at a social gathering, some of the husband firefighters talked about how they were effected. She tried the EFT tapping on her husband and a few others and the effect was absolutely amazing. Before the party was over she had done an EFT on all of the firefighters and over the next few days others from the firehouse who had not been at the party came to her for treatment. The idea behind it is to get through to your subconscious mind with something physical the breaks through so you can disconnect the trauma within your subconscious mind from your normal way of thinking. Many people are able to do self-hypnosis affirmations to help them loose weight, stop smoking, stay in an exercise program. EFT, kicks up self-hypnosis affirmations another notch.

Good luck


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

AllDriedUp said:


> I am a married woman in my mid twenties. My husband and I were teenage sweet hearts, so we've been together a long time. MOST of the issues we've had between each other either stem from my childhood or are a direct correlation to my family and how they currently treat me.
> 
> My father beat me growing up but even worse was the verbal abuse. Now that I am out of my parents house and now that I am married my father would never lay a finger on me (my husband would hurt him something awful), but the emotional abuse still continues.



HOLY CRAP. This is me. Same ages, same story about being teenage sweethearts, etc. 

My father never laid a finger on me. But lots of mental and verbal abuse. 


Just wanted to pop in and say I feel for you, I really can sympathize and understand where you are coming from. I'm glad you are preparing to get away. My family lives 2 miles down the road, and still wreck havoc in my life often.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

My heart goes out to you for all the things that you have suffered and are triumphing at. Rejoice at the fact that you have an exceptional vocabulary and skill set to help you when those emotional triggers kick in and you feel you need to protect yourself. 

As for letting your family back into your life, you really do have the power to let them in, or not. As for the guilt trip that your mother laid upon you when you mentioned her beating on your door for an hour, realize that you do not owe people that have hurt you time and again anything. I only assume that you think that perhaps your family will finally "get it" and be rational if you fall back in contact with them, but that won't happen. 

If people do not treat you with love, respect, kindness or compassion, you do not owe them a thing. I do not see where you've mentioned that your parents are sorry for the abuse heaped on you. 

You must realize that you can have a life full of richness and love that your parents will never be able to realize. Your parents have had more time on this earth, yet they haven't achieved as much as you already have. Again, congratulations to you for working on things!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm so sorry to hear this, but very glad that you are brave enough to recognize that your parents don't have your best interests at heart.

I usually tell people not to run from their problems, but in your case, I think leaving town (it seems to be a small town?) and not see your parents, might be the best thing to do. And get in to counselling so that your marriage stays in tact.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I remember your other thread, and I'm sorry to hear that your circumstances haven't improved. I'll repeat the advice that I gave you there...
> 
> Why would you leave your husband?!? It sounds like he's your rock and saving grace. Pleeeaaaaase don't cut him out of your life. You need him.
> 
> ...


Yes! I remember you! Thanks for your continued support Gus.  

That was when my dad had become worse with his verbal attacks against me. It was happening every time I saw him and was so bad my husband said he doesn't want me around him if he's not there (because my parents are careful what they say around my husband and my husband wouldn't stand for them mistreating me). 

I have cut back on contact since then. If they try to see me I make up excuses of why I cant. I'm still texting on the phone but only because I know if I try to cut contact completely they will raise hell for me. I'm just trying to keep the peace until I can get out of here. 

I have (sadly) given up hope for my siblings. They have not reached the point of understanding that I have (and I'm the oldest) in regards to my parents ways. I once had a conversation with my mother where she (literally) complained to me that I don't accept her completely. When I replied "mom I love you but you can be very very mean sometimes" she said "yes but that's just the way I am and your father and sister accept me, why can't you". 

(Sigh) This is how it is in my family. They are very blind to what is normal treatment, etc. And instead of seeing mom or dad as being wrong for being mean, I am the one who is wrong for speaking out about it. As much as I would like better for all of them I have to let them make their own choices and figure out for themselves what they want. 

Only the youngest is a minor. And of the 4 of my siblings only 1 shows any sign of getting out (though she'll never admit my parents are wrong or that it's because of them). She's trying to move out of state later this year because as she puts it she's very unhappy (and still she believes my parents are always right).


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Again, read up on how to set boundaries.
> 
> A guilt trip only works if you let it work. You mother only has the control over you that you allow her to have. You can choose to become the adult in the relationship with her, look her in the eye and tell her that you are sorry she feels the way she does, but you need to protect yourself and your husband from the emotional trauma she inflicts upon you. You don't need to get angry, you just need to focus on an adult response and focus on your greater love for yourself and your husband than your love for your mother. Set boundaries.
> 
> ...


Thank you I will definitely look into it. Anything that can help me to not be triggered anymore. I forget the exact statistics but the stress being triggered has on my body puts me at twice the risk of getting heart disease and other things. So it is literally affecting my health. 

At this point I dont want to tell my mother anything. They dont even know yet that I'm moving away. If I say I need to protect myself against her she will only use that information to further manipulate me. 

I have tried setting boundaries with my family but even when I know I shouldn't give in, even when I know I'm being manipulated for their own selfish purposes and I should just walk away and focus on myself and my marriage I still get drawn in. I guess I don't know how to not care. I don't think I'll have the peace of freedom from them until I have moved out of the city.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> HOLY CRAP. This is me. Same ages, same story about being teenage sweethearts, etc.
> 
> My father never laid a finger on me. But lots of mental and verbal abuse.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for the pain caused on you. The bruises and marks I received during my childhood is the stuff nightmares are made of and I still say the emotional abuse is worse because it's what stays with you. 

Thank you for reaching out  and good luck with setting boundaries with your family. Hopefully you wont have to move away like me.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

A few thoughts come to mind as I read through your original post:

1) Your parents are not simply mentally ill - they use you as a target for their need to abuse. You cannot be a content adult with these kind of people in your life. 
2) Do not let them control you with a shared history or shared biology or obligation or any other argument. These people are not parents! 
3) Once you are free from them, you get a new lease on life. You get to start defining who you are without them, and this can be exciting and freeing if you can be open to it. You can finally find some safety away from them and begin your healing.
4) At some point in your healing process, it will be important to no longer let your past define you. The story you tell of your life must shift. Do not let your abusive childhood be the story of your life forever! Live so that you have a new story, and try not to focus so much on your upbringing. The more attention and thought you give to your past, the more control it has over your present. 

I wish you all the best.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You've gotten some great advice here. I just want to add that one of the hardest things to do is cut out family, even when you know they are toxic. 
The thing is you are conditioned from infancy to make it work because you depend on these completely dysfuctional people. Their dysfunction shapes how you percieve things and how you think, and turning 18 doesn't automatically change that. It's a long and difficult process and extremely painful. I am 42 and still not completely able to cut my mother out of my life. I am less affected by what she does, but I am not completely free of the damage she has caused. 
So I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to acknowledge what you are experiencing...and also let you know you are not alone...and while you never get over it...it does get easier.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

AlisonBlaire said:


> My heart goes out to you for all the things that you have suffered and are triumphing at. Rejoice at the fact that you have an exceptional vocabulary and skill set to help you when those emotional triggers kick in and you feel you need to protect yourself.
> 
> As for letting your family back into your life, you really do have the power to let them in, or not. As for the guilt trip that your mother laid upon you when you mentioned her beating on your door for an hour, realize that you do not owe people that have hurt you time and again anything. I only assume that you think that perhaps your family will finally "get it" and be rational if you fall back in contact with them, but that won't happen.
> 
> ...


The part in bold really touches my heart. <3 <3 <3 Thank you. And thank you for your support.  

That not owing my family thing is something I've only recently learned and it's something I still struggle with. I mean she's my mother, ya know? She birthed me. She provided a roof over my head and food on my plate until I was 15. How do I not owe her anything? I mean I know I don't now but I still feel that I do sometimes and that can make it hard when doing what I know I need to do versus doing whatever she asks of me.

They are not sorry for anything they've done to me, quite the opposite actually. My father says that parents have the right to "discipline" (as he calls it) any way they choose to and the child must always listen/obey. I learned from my other thread that the unacknowledged abuse can be a trigger in itself and I completely agree. 




Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this, but very glad that you are brave enough to recognize that your parents don't have your best interests at heart.
> 
> *I usually tell people not to run from their problems, but in your case, I think leaving town (it seems to be a small town?) and not see your parents, might be the best thing to do.* And get in to counselling so that your marriage stays in tact.


As far as town size, compared to other US cities we aren't exactly small but we aren't exactly large either. More of a medium sized town with a small town feel. 

The part I've put in bold really touches me. Like I've mentioned before I've been talking on and off with my parents since I was 15 and once when I came back my father told me that I am dysfunctional for "running away" from them/my problems.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

ADU, I don't know that much about PTSD or the traumatic experience you had at 16, but sounds like possibly your past traumas are still causing you to sometimes overreact and freak out and think you need to leave your marriage and just get away. He sounds like a wonderful husband and great guy, but it might be that your emotional pain might be causing a lot of problems that have nothing to do with him.

I hope you will not remove yourself from his life because it sounds like he cares about you very much and you have a long history together.

As others have said, seems like counseling could be very beneficial. Maybe also a support group, maybe a 12 step group (perhaps Codependents Anonymous aka CODA), or something for PTSD survivors. 

I think you are very wise to move elsewhere in order to remove yourself. Despite the pain and trauma it's sometimes very hard to set boundaries and put a healthy distance between oneself and unhealthy family members. Family patterns are very powerful and sometimes being around the familiar is easier than making the effort to find healthier sources of support.

Good luck to you.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

All hell broke loose in my life. In one week my grandmother passed away, my sister (who's 18 and still living with my parents) left for a trip to a state 12 hours away and no one could get ahold of her for 3 days, and my father was put in jail for the first time in his life (over a minor charge). 

I keep telling myself to keep my head down and not attract the attention of anyone who will bring me down (mostly my parents) and stay focused on the plan. And to not get sucked back into their world but it's tough when so much is going on and now my mom is trying to lean on me more. 

On the bright side my husband and I have narrowed our search for possible cities to move to, to 1 state and 3 cities. He took a week off work so we can go on vacation and "try them out" to see how we like them before we make a decision. We're leaving next week.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> A few thoughts come to mind as I read through your original post:
> 
> 1) Your parents are not simply mentally ill - they use you as a target for their need to abuse. You cannot be a content adult with these kind of people in your life.
> 2) Do not let them control you with a shared history or shared biology or obligation or any other argument. These people are not parents!
> ...


Thank you for your wise words! Your post made me realize some things I hadn't before. I had not realized that my parents use their kids for their need to abuse but it completely makes sense. I always thought If I did everything they asked and if I was a good daughter that I could make them love me. Now I see why that never worked. 

I look forward to working on my new story.


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