# Sexuality and Separation



## action_potential (Feb 24, 2012)

Hello all, this if my first post and I am really interested in any comments you may have. I want to start out by saying that I have known my wife for almost 8 years, have been married for almost 2. There was a segment in our relationship where we were broken up for a year when we were dating. I am now 25 years old and she is 24 so we met when were pretty young. 

My wife has recently decided that she wants to separate. She says that she wants to give herself 3 months to see if the feelings she is having now (leaning towards divorce) still hold true. This decision to separate is a culmination of marital issues and one big secret revealed by me…let’s backtrack a little.

Growing up, I kind of knew that the physical attraction I felt for females was very similar to that felt for males. I had several straight relationships in high school and college, including my wife. These relationships made me happy, sexually satisfied me, and even though I still found men attractive, the thought of acting on my feelings never became more than just a thought at that time. During the year that my now wife and I were broken up, (we were bf and gf then), I decided to experiment with the same sex. I figured it was my last semester in college and thought what better time to try! No romantic relationship came out of experimenting, (wasn’t looking for one), but I did make a few friends who mostly listened to me complain of how sad and upset I was being broken up with my girlfriend almost a year later. After returning home from college, my wife and I re-established contact and began dating again and eventually married the following year. I never thought my bi-sexuality would be important enough in our relationship for me tell my wife about it. Any attractions I had for men were benign to me because I was with the person that I loved and wanted to start a family with. With that being said, something within me felt that I needed to be honest with my wife and tell her about my sexuality. That was three weeks ago. At the time I told her, we were going through a rough patch in our marriage and were having to deal with a completely different set of marital issues not having to deal with being bisexual. I may have chosen a bad time to inform her because I feel that if we would have had enough time to address our marital issues, (mostly communication and my temper), she would have been able to deal with the new information of my sexuality a whole lot better. 

She now feels like I was a selfish person for not disclosing this information to her before we got married. She is now angry at me but still pleasant to be around. She has told me that she would have probably not married me if she had known up-front, which really hurts me to think that she would make a decision solely based on that, even though my sexuality is not what defines me or our relationship. I have assured her that I did not tell her because I want to be with a man. I have told her I am willing to attend couple’s therapy to help address our marital problems and help her deal with this new information. At this point, she is unwilling to attend and will be moving out this weekend. We are both attending personal counselors to try and work on personal growth and get advice for our marriage issues. I feel I haven’t taken much away from my therapy sessions but I am willing to give them more time.

I am trying to see the situation from my wife’s perspective but it is difficult. I have asked her not to leave but she feels like it is necessary for her to do. Like I said earlier, she is giving herself 3 months to see if she still wants divorce at that point. I don’t think I am a bad person and I want our marriage to work out and eventually thrive. I have read stories on this forum about marriages being successful after separation but I feel like my situation I a whole different can of worms. I guess I am not sure how to feel. Do I prepare for the worst? Wait and hope that she returns? I am afraid that my feelings for her may change during this time apart; I don’t want any negative thoughts about our situation to overpower my feelings of love and affection for her. I think it is difficult for people to understand my situation but I truly want nothing more than to just be with my wife. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, your circumstances are unique, but not hopeless. I think your wife needs time to figure these things out. The more you try to approach her, the more she will turn away from you. She is going to have to think about these things and then make a conscious choice of what she wants to do. Let her know that you want the relationship to work, and want to be with her, but tell her that she can have the space and time that she needs. 

In regards to the therapy, you should know after 3 sessions or so whether this therapist is going to be a good fit for you. Not all therapists are good fits, and if you need to find another, it will be all the more better in the end.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Well, now other than wondering who you really are and how special she is to you, she will be wondering if you and any guys you are friends with are actually more.
Many people are not comfortable with their spouses hanging out with people of the opposite gender for the possibility they will cross over a line of trust and when you are married to someone who is bisexual, any person of any gender is a potential problem for the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

action, IMO separation is almost always about attraction issues, and in so many cases it is because there is a potentially more attractive option that the yearning spouse has under consideration. Many on here will offer suggestions on what to do during separation to assure your W remains attracted to you and how to schedule timelines - I say unless you have actually (ie factually, not just in your own perception) been overbearing, domineering or controlling such advice is completely wrong.

If your W needs time space, and you are the kind of guy willing to give it to her, it means that first find out if there is a hidden man you are competing with, if so then bust up the affair and assume some control, if not then give your W what she wants and 180 on her, go dark. I strongly advise NOT showing her your weaknesses, don't give her anything to fuel her brain chemicals right now because 1) if she is having affair you just giving her fodder to hurl against you, she will latch on to whatever things about you she can (like your sexuality) and shift all blame back on you 2) if she is not in affair she is needing something she is not getting, and it is not the beta qualities you have been offering all along, and she is probably trying to assess whether you are capable of providing the manly strength and protection she feels she needs.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Action,

I had a similar thing happen. Prior to marriage I expirimented as well. Never told the wife. She found some texts 6 years into our marriage and I came clean. Molested as a child, sex when I was about 6 years old. the expirimentation prior to marriage. She left and I had to respect it. I think she never thought I would have done anything like that so she just wasn't capable of healing from it. I love her so much and want her back but she doesn't seem interested at all.


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