# Was this a cruel thing to do?



## barrett82 (Jun 11, 2013)

A little background about me, I've separated from my husband and am planning on filing for divorce next month. 
My husband has been dishonest and abusive throughout our marriage. He doesn't understand why his actions have led me to end the marriage. It's been challenging trying to even discuss anything with him because he seems to believe that one his anger passes and he apologises, everything should be good again. It's worn me down and has destroyed my self conference. 
How can I get through to him about this? I hate how his denial allows him to play the victim role, like I'm just leaving him because I'm giving up on us. He can't acknowledge the fact that he has been abusive and despite separating several times and attempting to get counseling over the years he has not made any effort to change. 
I'm so fed up with the tears and empty promises every time I say I'm done. I've gone back to him and given him an opportunity to change but he has failed to follow through with any of it. This game of wanting me when he doesn't have me has gotten so old I could scream. 

We hadn't hardly spoken 2 words to each other for 6 months leading to the separation and he treated me like I was a worthless POS but now that I'm gone, he starts calling me and asking me to come home. He's telling me how he's making the changes that he should have made before i left and I honestly don't care. I have no interest in continuing the marriage. There comes a day when it's to late! How selfish of him to think he can just cry at the point he feels he's got no other option and I'll respond. He had no interest in actually treating me with respect and trying when I was right in front of him. I'm not falling for this any more!
So, last night he called me asking me to come over. I told him no and that I did not want to talk to him about the marriage because there was nothing to talk about. I get home and then at 9:30pm, I get a knock on my door. 
He had brought food and his dirty laundry and wanted to come in. I was angry, especially because he took the last bus over and had no return option left last night. 
I took this to be extremely manipulative and invasive. He didn't say he was coming over, in fact I told him I didn't want to see him. 
I told him to leave. He started to cry and I gave him $20 and told him to go and that he was being controlling by showing up like he did. 
He declined the $20 and acted like he was so hurt and shocked I would tell him to leave. Are you kidding me?
He has to know better then that, right? He is so used to me being eager to patch things up with him. I've been hurt so many times, I just lost all love for him and its not coming back. 
I felt bad kicking him out when there was no bus option but it made me mad that he had no regard for respecting my privacy. 
I had said a few weeks ago that he could do laundry if he needed to at my place and I should have known he would use it to try to manipulate me . 
So, he left and I don't know how he got home. I felt like going out to tell him he could stay but I held my ground and just locked the door. 
Was that screwed up of me to make him leave? I just have to protect myself from manipulation or I'll end up back in that hell again.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Nope. You did good.

Next time, keep your $20 tho.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Next time tell him you'll call him a taxi.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Have no regrets. You did the best thing for you. I am in the same boat.......we both must get strong. These men are selfish, twisted and manipulative. I wish you luck.
VH


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did the right thing to send him away.

It sounds like he is going to keep pushing and pushing.

Your best bet at this point is probably to tell him that you want no more contact with him. Send him a text or email saying that what he did last night to try to manipulate so he should stay the night is unacceptable. Due to this you want no more contact with him. He can send you email/txt if there is an emergency.. and it has to say what the emergency is.. not just "it's an emergency".. so you can decide if you think it's really an emergency.

He is not to contact you for anything via phone or in person. He needs to stay away from you.


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## mom43 (Aug 31, 2013)

Good for you... you did exactly what you should do. Stay strong and remember that you should put yourself first. I am in the same position - he is manipulative, abusive, and now is trying to make me feel guilty for taking my life back. 
Keep your head up and remember that you are worth it!!!


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## barrett82 (Jun 11, 2013)

Thanks for the supportive words. He didn't take the $20 but I know I didn't even need to offer it. 
I agree with the fact that he is going to try anything he can at this point. 
I knew my decision was right but your support leaves me feeling proud of myself for not giving him a way back in. He was shocked I think, I have never stood up for myself without ultimately caving in some way. 
I am so happy being on my own and it feels like the biggest weight has been lifted off of me. 
I don't want to be hurtful or destructive to him, but I can not sacrifice my own mental or emotional health anymore in order to prevent negative feelings in him. I have become so afraid of upsetting him that my life was centered around keeping him happy. I realize that's what I've been doing for years now and I no longer even knew what I wanted or needed in life. 
I know I gave it my all, I gave him every opportunity to work on our marriage. 
When I start to focus on the ways I fell short in the marriage i feel guilty because I didn't give him a gentle, easy environment to try to change within. I get caught up in wondering if I had been a fraction less grouchy at times or more available, maybe he would have known I loved him. 
I am starting to realize how flawed that thinking is. I know I worked very hard to grow in areas that he said were hurtful to him, I changed things and stuck with those changes, but I never said I was going to be perfect. 
The issues I have are that he has changed some things for brief moments only to go back to his old ways as soon as things settled and it would be like pulling teeth to get back to a place where he would acknowledge that those same things were destructive and needed to be changed. It really has been insanity and head games for so long. 

Thanks for your encouragement. It means so much to hear it


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

barrett82, your situation sounds almost exactly like mine when it comes to my now separated wife.

Your husband seems to exhibit some borderline traits. Have you done any reading on BPD?


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## barrett82 (Jun 11, 2013)

Yes, actually I have read about borderline personality disorder and I agree with you about the possibility. 
Part of what I've agonized over in the past couple years is whether or not he is mentally ill and as a wife, how can I walk away from him.
I've come to terms with the fact that there is nothing heroic about staying with someone who is emotionally (and at times physically) abusive. No one wind in that situation. I'm not going to sacrifice my life for an illness that he won't or can't change. He shouldn't have made promised he can't keep so in turn I won't be held to a standard he's not upholding by far.


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