# Living arrangements while divorcing



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm pretty certain my wife is filing for divorce and won't admit it. If she does not do it today, I will. Anyway, currently we are living in the same house, just in different rooms. When papers are filed and things start to move, we get 6 months waiting. I'm wondering what things are going to be like in the house during this time. 

She thinks that she is free to pursue this new relationship once things are filed. I have already called it an affair and she hates that, as she says they are just friends and have not moved to anything more. Regardless of sex, friends don't talk about their future together! I will not let things happen in front of me. I will not let things happen in front of the kids. If she is going to pursue him now, life is going to get real tough on her living-wise and financial-wise. The bad part is that affects our two kids, as she will most likely take them with her. She really has to, as my job takes me out of town for weeks on end. No matter what, they lose.

I'm thinking this is going to get real ugly, real fast. Any thoughts?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Technically, she is free to pursue him once she's filed. Since you will be co-habiting but not as man and wife, her dating drives home the fact that this is really not a marriage any longer.

However, you are wrong that she has to take the kids because you are out of town for weeks on end. You can arrange split custody such that when you are home, you have the children. If you don't fight to have them with you as much as possible, or change your job, then it seems to me that you're using the children as an excuse.

I don't know what the laws are in your state, but you will probably have to continue to provide for support for her even if she is having an affair. I can understand that you're angry, but punishing her isn't going to get you anywhere. 

I take it you are certain you want the marriage terminated? And you've already been to a lawyer?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would separate physically if at all possible during this time.

She will get a taste of the real world and her real relationship with this OM.

Living in the same house, when someone is having an affair, will be hell on you and the kids! She will become braver and throw it in your face. You will get to see her dress up and stay out late with the OM. She may not come home sometimes. 

I would tell her to find her own place. This is her choice. 

Sometimes, during a physical separation, things calm down and the spouse that wants out ends up reevaluating the marriage relationship? Is it so bad? Do I want to live part-time from the kids? 

If you do live apart physically...I would see to it that your W or you get a place near each other. It makes it much easier on the kids to be available and close to their parents. This is what my H and I are doing.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Yep, she filed today. Not a fun day in the house... I am still reeling from the thought of being alone. It is not that it was not expected, but when you hear it, it takes new meaning. I am guessing I won't be too productive at work tonight.

dobo: Thanks. From what I have heard/read from others and lawyers, it is STRONGLY advised not to pursue any other relationship during a divorce, as it can negatively impact rulings in your favor. As far as the kids go, I can't obviously have custody when I am not around. We don't have family in the area and I don't want someone other than she or I responsible for them. I have not researched this fully yet, and it will be an item to bring up to my lawyer, but from initial reading, it looks like she will have full custody, however, I want it documented that when I am home, I get them. When either of us need a baby sitter or time off, we exchange. I love my kids dearly and the three of us have a GREAT daddy daughter relationship. Things are stressed now, but amicable between my wife and I, so we are able to discuss things. (full situation here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/6869-long-drawn-out-unhappy.html ). NO, I don't want the marriage over, She does. Rather than me retyping, check out the full thread, and maybe you can give me some insight. I am open to all input, as I have never done this before.

Corpuswife: Thanks for the input (now and before). The trouble is, she doesn't have a job and I will be traveling. I hate to think of it, but I may be the one moving out.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

When things calm down, without the kids present...tell her you'd like to discuss visiting arrangements. Don't mention custody at this time. Many times the defense goes up. 

Obviously there will flexibility needed with your work. However, it will work out! Most sane parents want their kids to have relationships with the other parent. Stress how important the kids have 2 loving healthy parents. I hope she is sane? A good opener would be to put the ball in her court..."how do you think we should work visitation?" Listen to her fully. Then add your input.

If you end up being the one to move out...try to make it close. The kids like the idea of being down the street/neighborhood from the other parent and their friends are close. My 15 years old was even that way. Kids worry about who they are going to live with and where they are going to live with the other parent. Plus, when my daughter forgets something they can stop by the house (announced).

I know you are sad and disappointed. You sound like a strong man. Keep coming here and venting. I know it helps me.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> Yep, she filed today. Not a fun day in the house... I am still reeling from the thought of being alone. It is not that it was not expected, but when you hear it, it takes new meaning. I am guessing I won't be too productive at work tonight.
> 
> dobo: Thanks. From what I have heard/read from others and lawyers, it is STRONGLY advised not to pursue any other relationship during a divorce, as it can negatively impact rulings in your favor. As far as the kids go, I can't obviously have custody when I am not around. We don't have family in the area and I don't want someone other than she or I responsible for them. I have not researched this fully yet, and it will be an item to bring up to my lawyer, but from initial reading, it looks like she will have full custody, however, I want it documented that when I am home, I get them. When either of us need a baby sitter or time off, we exchange. I love my kids dearly and the three of us have a GREAT daddy daughter relationship. Things are stressed now, but amicable between my wife and I, so we are able to discuss things. (full situation here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/6869-long-drawn-out-unhappy.html ). NO, I don't want the marriage over, She does. Rather than me retyping, check out the full thread, and maybe you can give me some insight. I am open to all input, as I have never done this before.
> 
> Corpuswife: Thanks for the input (now and before). The trouble is, she doesn't have a job and I will be traveling. I hate to think of it, but I may be the one moving out.


I don't have time to read your link from other thread but I am very interested and i will as soon as i can.

But I like to tell you that she doesn't have to get full custody even if you are working out of town. What if you lose your job and find a job in the city?

It is not smart move on her part to pursue her relationship before divorce is finalized.

I just like to ask you, what child custody are you hoping to get? I assume 50/50 parenting custody and less physical? You can get 50/50 physical custody even if you work away and even if kids spend most time with her. But question is what you are looking for regarding the child custody?


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Well I delayed my job just went through your other thread. I didn't see you mention anything about child custody.

I don't mean to sound mean but your kids and their wellbeing should be your #1 priority.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

You are right about their wellbeing. That said, I believe that being in a solid relationship with both parents is a large part of that wellbeing.

As far as custody, it sounds like I could learn from you on this. I guess I have not heard of parenting vs. physical, but I'm all ears. Here is the scoop on my job - Most likely I will spending a week at a time on and off between now and the end of the year about 2 hours away. Probably totalling about 40% of the balance of the year. Then starting in the beginning of 2010, I will be 5 hours away, for 6 week stints, possible trip home every other weekend.

Ideally, we could stop this and get back together again. As I mentioned in my original thread, I don't think that we are that far apart, but somehow, we never really got started right. I think we both went on false assumptions of who we were and what we wanted. This caused us to never really deliver on the promise and vows of marriage. (more here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/experi...-beginning-marriage-counseling.html#post75424 ) She is so fed up that she wants out and doesn't believe that anything would change. She also sees this other man as her soulmate. I just don't believe that. I see him as being a reasurring figure she met in July that is filling the emotional connection void I left. I just don't feel that two people joining into one can come that easily. they are moving too fast too soon. Something is going to break.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Zombie*

I am wandering around here like a zombie. I hope I don't get hurt tonight. If I had extra vacation, I would take one tonight, as I know I am not going to be productive at all. 

My head is still spinning... When I got her to say that she had filed, I could feel all the world hit me. Things actually got dark for a bit. I guess I knew it was coming seeing how the last month and a half have gone, but hearing it is a major blow. It becomes real, something that reaches out and grabs you by the throat. Something you know is there, but you can't really make out the shape.

I had to go pick up my car from being repaired after she and I talked. When she was driving away, my daughters wanted a hug as I was going to work. I had to try my hardest not to lose it, as all I could think of was this is what it will be like soon....

Help, this is the hardest day I think I ever have gone through.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It will break. Once you back off from your relationship and give her space, she will eventually find out the OM true colors. No person is perfect or without flaws...even her "soulmate."

I would suggest to her a separation. My H was dead set on divorce. When asked he said he was 100% he wanted a divorce. He was about to head to the attorney that week to fill out papers. I tried everything to stop it. One night, I think God put it in my head, I said "what do you think about a separation. Sort of a step away from the divorce. We can get our bearings?" I told him to not answer but let me know. He told me the morning that he was seriously thinking about it. Later the next night, he said "I think separation would be a good idea." Bamm. He moved out a week and half later. If he was so sure about a divorce, why did he separate then? Perhaps too avoid conflict? Or does he have doubts?

This is how I figure and the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson mentions this...when one person wants out (wants freedom) there is nothing you can do to stop it. The goal is for the separation to be a step toward reconciliation not divorce. My H may not know that, but it's my goal. He needs to "fix" whatever he needs to deal with (affair/lack of respect/boredom/unhappiness). Too often, they feel their unhappiness is ONLY due to the relationship. What they find is that the grass isn't greener. They don't often recognize the role they play in the demise of the marriage. 

You can separate without the divorce filing. In any case, if she still wants to file let her. That doesn't mean that she is going to find her soulmate to be a perfect match. In fact, the odds are highly against them.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> That doesn't mean that she is going to find her soulmate to be a perfect match. In fact, the odds are highly against them.


I totally agree, especially since they have barely known of each other 6 weeks.! What is it now, 70% for 2nd marriages? She will be coming into one with half the money, more kids and an agressive spouse against him seeing my stbx(?) from his marriage.


Right now, I am thinking of giving both of us a week or two to absorb what hust happened. It sounds like I may not be starting my new position until the end of the year now, so that comes into play. We'll see how things are playing out over the next week or two. If it starts to get ugly, I may move out.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Regarding child custody you can find answers on wikipedia or google child custody laws in your state. But if you have a lawyer that's where I would ask questions.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I have my appt tomorrow, so that is one of the questions I have to ask.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I know this will be extremely difficult for you, but after reading your first post in this thread all I could think was, "Those poor children!!" Yes, your wife may deserve all the ugliness you can throw at her--but your kids DON'T and only you can protect them from your anger (which is justified; I'm not questioning that). My husband, who was stunned and is now devastated about my decision to end the marriage, bought the book, "The Healthy Divorce" and I give him a lot of credit b/c it cannot be easy for him, but at least he is trying for the sake of our kids. You cannot do anything to "control" her, but you can do lots of things to make this experience and the future of your kids a happier, healthier one. Please consider it. Best of luck, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Gotta run but I am wishing you well. 

This is a tough area. Depending on your state, her pursuing another relationship may have ZERO impact. So don't depend on that. Don't only rely on your lawyer for advice in this area. Google. It will tell you the real score.

The more the net plays a part in informing people, the less bad lawyers will be able to tell you one thing and then let you get blind-sided. You can probably also research the judge who will be reading your case. 

In my case, it was simple. My husband knew he couldn't take the kids and honestly, I don't believe he wanted to. We moved as close to one another as possible. Neither of us are trying to prevent access. We're just trying to earn livings apart.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks to all for the input. I'll see what my lawyer says. He seemed pretty sharp. From what I can tell, MI law leaves lots of leaway in this matter. I may be able to set up joint legal, and joint physical, but be flexible on the dates, as my schedule is up for grabs. I don't like the idea of sole. It makes me queazy.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

What ever happened to the 'For better or for Worse' in a relationship??? What's the point of getting married if getting divorced is the only option. Poor kids. Have you tried doing everything in your power to prevent this from happening?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm ready to work. However she is not. Its all "me bad" and "OM good". No matter what I do or say, it is wrong. Just today I got blown up at for leaving a couple of socks not straightened up in the laundry. All I can do is step back and not deal with her. Whatever I do it drives her further away. 

Although she made some effort last fall, we never followed through and finished the job. I had some emotional issues that sorta locked me up in a funk. I came to the plate a couple months too late. She is unwilling to budge on this. She is the one who decided to not work on things. Not only that, if you check out my other threads, she is getting a bit whacky lately. I think Celexa withdrawl and stress is combining on her to make a perfect storm. Its not pretty now. I am thinking of moving out after we get the rest of the finances separated. I hate to do that to the kids, but I am not sure I can handle it.


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