# What does it mean if you are scared to bring up an important topic (more)



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

From a broad sense, what does it mean if someone is scared to bring up an important topic to their husband or wife in a long-term relationship because it is a volatile topic, even though an important one? I have no other background or info. to share, just wanting to know WHAT it means if someone literally is scared to bring up an important topic because of previous reactions - despite how important a topic is. Should one be able to bring up ANY topic in a marriage without fear? 

Sunshine


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Generally yes, married couples should be able to discuss anything, especially the uncomfortable things with each other without fear.

I say generally because it's hard to say much more without context.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

The intimate part of this 26-year relationship has not been good for many years. He is LD and I am probably 'average'...............it has created so many issues I just can't talk about it with him. So we don't talk about it and there is minimal conflict anymore, BUT................we are co-existing. I sooo want to bring this up ONE last time to see where this stands, but am terrified because of verbal assaults that always wind up happening. He has anger issues. This topic is one that tops the heap in terms of creating anger - he gets mad about other things, but not to the degree of this.



frusdil said:


> Generally yes, married couples should be able to discuss anything, especially the uncomfortable things with each other without fear.
> 
> I say generally because it's hard to say much more without context.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Should one be able to bring up ANY topic in a marriage without fear?


Yes. You should feel safe in your marriage. That said, how and when a spouse brings up a topic should be considered.

ETA: I truly don't think it helps your situation that your H has anger issues.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> From a broad sense, what does it mean if someone is scared to bring up an important topic to their husband or wife in a long-term relationship because it is a volatile topic, even though an important one? I have no other background or info. to share, just wanting to know WHAT it means if someone literally is scared to bring up an important topic because of previous reactions - despite how important a topic is. Should one be able to bring up ANY topic in a marriage without fear?
> 
> Sunshine


Is this the same thing as the other post? 

This is what I am talking about, about actually talking. 

If you and your H cannot talk about something, what do you think that says about the marriage? 

However, when you talk to him, there are things you can do to make it better...

1) Remove all distractions. No kids, no TV, no phones, make sure that he is not too tired from work.
2) Use concrete terms, and try to be positive if at all possible. 

Example, "I really want for use to have a healthy sex life together", as opposed to, "We don't have sex enough". 

Or "I want to spice up our sex life", as opposed to "I think our sex is boring". 

But the bigger problem that I see is commination in general, that is the main thing that you somehow need to work on....


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

YES, it is inter-related. I cannot have a serious conversation about this topic because he blows up. He has anger issues in general, but this topic has been a landmine for years. I really don't want to go into another new year with this issue hanging over us. I really want to TALK about it. I agree that communication is IMPORTANT. And those suggestions are great ones. I just ask myself if anyone else FEARS bringing up a certain topic, whatever that might be, because it is so volatile. Or if I am in the minority having to deal with that sort of situation. What do YOU think it says about the M, Blues? Honestly, I would like to know what others think about that in particular - not being able to broach a given topic without major fall-out.



BluesPower said:


> Is this the same thing as the other post?
> 
> This is what I am talking about, about actually talking.
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> YES, it is inter-related. I cannot have a serious conversation about this topic because he blows up. He has anger issues in general, but this topic has been a landmine for years. I really don't want to go into another new year with this issue hanging over us. I really want to TALK about it. I agree that communication is IMPORTANT. And those suggestions are great ones. I just ask myself if anyone else FEARS bringing up a certain topic, whatever that might be, because it is so volatile. Or if I am in the minority having to deal with that sort of situation. What do YOU think it says about the M, Blues? Honestly, I would like to know what others think about that in particular - not being able to broach a given topic without major fall-out.


Ok, what it says to me, is a lot of things. Some of them you will not like. 

First off, for whatever reason, he is LD, I am guessing that the depression is the main culprit in this area through out your entire marriage. 

So, now that he is on some meds that are working, not that those don't need to be tuned up because of the ED issues, but now that he is more level, SOME of the anger should start to dissipate...

Now, the ED stuff has to be dealt with and it can be dealt with. And I think that Zoloft is an OLD medicine that has a lot of sexual side effects so I think he needs to talk to his doc about that. 

Not being able to perform, will piss anyone off, for males.

So deal with that. But he also needs to understand, he does have issues and needs to be in therapy, and maybe even a sex therapist for you two to work out the sex issues.

He cannot just get on meds and think that will solve every problems he has, it will help, but it does not solve the issue. It allows you to be level enough to deal with your problems. 

And sometimes, you may have to just let him be mad, but you stay calm and continue talking. 

Here you have to be strong and try your best. 

But, listen, at some point, if things do not get better, what you don't want to hear is that it takes two, and because of his illness, he has to help to solve these problems. 

If he does not, you have to decide, at some point if you can live with all of this, and I mean really think about it...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What is it you are hoping to get out of the 'talk'? Are you hoping that he will agree to get it on with you more frequently? Are you hoping to put the issue to bed once and for all whatever he decides? Are you hoping he will state that he is still attracted to you and wants to work on it 'so please be patient'? 

You may want to preface the 'talk' with "Before I file for divorce, I thought I would give this conversation one more shot." Take it from there.

BTW, your husband uses anger to emotionally bully you into keeping your mouth shut so he won't be embarrassed about his shortcomings. It's a common tactic of bullies.

Why are you so determined to have a sex life with a guy who obviously doesn't want to have sex with you?

Hoping 2019 gives you the strength to pursue what it is you are searching for.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes, I do think there is depression is involved. To be clear, he is NOT on any meds - he won't entertain the word "depression" so I am fighting a battle trying to get him to get help. Also, he doesn't have ED, but more likely low-T. A second area he isn't willing to treat. I think if I could get him to address EITHER of the two, it will help the other. But like I said, he doesn't see it as a problem and refuses to go either for medical help, or to counseling. In his words "110% NO - not now, not ever".....................so to ask again (last time I asked was in July), I just don't know what it will do. BUT I MUST. I am not going to go through another whole year like this. And yes, it hurts me SOOOOO much knowing that I might have to make a tough decision. NOT what I want at all.




BluesPower said:


> Ok, what it says to me, is a lot of things. Some of them you will not like.
> 
> First off, for whatever reason, he is LD, I am guessing that the depression is the main culprit in this area through out your entire marriage.
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Yes, I do think there is depression is involved. To be clear, he is NOT on any meds - he won't entertain the word "depression" so I am fighting a battle trying to get him to get help. Also, he doesn't have ED, but more likely low-T. A second area he isn't willing to treat. I think if I could get him to address EITHER of the two, it will help the other. But like I said, he doesn't see it as a problem and refuses to go either for medical help, or to counseling. In his words "110% NO - not now, not ever".....................so to ask again (last time I asked was in July), I just don't know what it will do. BUT I MUST. I am not going to go through another whole year like this. And yes, it hurts me SOOOOO much knowing that I might have to make a tough decision. NOT what I want at all.


Then sorry for mixing up threads, or posters... 

Then my advice is different, you need to do what @Blondilocks is suggesting...

Start the conversations off with, "Before I file for divorce, I want to take one last time to try and talk about our marriage... 

It really is that simple. Don't waste your life with someone who will not get help for his issues...

You cannot fix him if he does not want to get help...


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Blondilocks, I am emotionally and physically starving for affection. I feel like it is the one part of a marriage that cannot be filled elsewhere. So yes, I want the affection and physical attention. I am naturally a touchy-feely physical touch kind of person and I feel like a plant that has gotten no sunshine or water, just dwindling away. He laughs at the whole love languages thing, and tells me all of the things I should be grateful for YES, I am hoping the talk will lead to him agreeing to get help - and if not, to telling me what I know which is that our relationship is not worth him getting help. If I say the "D" word, without a doubt he will be OVER the top. I used it once and he invited me to go ahead and go.......and of course I wasn't prepared to go at that point, still being hopeful. Do you really think I should put it out there knowing he may very well invite me to go ahead and go?



Blondilocks said:


> What is it you are hoping to get out of the 'talk'? Are you hoping that he will agree to get it on with you more frequently? Are you hoping to put the issue to bed once and for all whatever he decides? Are you hoping he will state that he is still attracted to you and wants to work on it 'so please be patient'?
> 
> You may want to preface the 'talk' with "Before I file for divorce, I thought I would give this conversation one more shot." Take it from there.
> 
> ...


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

No worries, Blues..............OMG, that terrifies me just thinking of saying the "D" word and what his reaction will be. Like I said to Blondi, I actually said it during one conversation and he actually told me to go - and in not very nice words. OMG, I am literally starting to sweat just thinking of having this conversation, yet I know I must. I have held it in for 5 months now since the last time it was discussed with no change or commitment.



BluesPower said:


> Then sorry for mixing up threads, or posters...
> 
> Then my advice is different, you need to do what @Blondilocks is suggesting...
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Blondilocks, I am emotionally and physically starving for affection. I feel like it is the one part of a marriage that cannot be filled elsewhere. So yes, I want the affection and physical attention. I am naturally a touchy-feely physical touch kind of person and I feel like a plant that has gotten no sunshine or water, just dwindling away. He laughs at the whole love languages thing, and tells me all of the things I should be grateful for YES, I am hoping the talk will lead to him agreeing to get help - and if not, to telling me what I know which is that our relationship is not worth him getting help. If I say the "D" word, without a doubt he will be OVER the top. I used it once and he invited me to go ahead and go.......and of course I wasn't prepared to go at that point, still being hopeful. Do you really think I should put it out there knowing he may very well invite me to go ahead and go?


I know you asked blondi but yes, if it is this bad and he will not get help, I would hand him divorce papers and let him digest that that as you talk. 

I have lived with someone with Mental illness, and the main thing I learned, is that you cannot fix other people. You can help if they want to get help, that is fine, but you cannot fix them...


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I agree with you 100% that you cannot fix other people................I WILL have a conversation, just NOT looking forward to it AT ALL. And also interested in Blondi's continuing thoughts. Dang, I want him to get help so bad.



BluesPower said:


> I know you asked blondi but yes, if it is this bad and he will not get help, I would hand him divorce papers and let him digest that that as you talk.
> 
> I have lived with someone with Mental illness, and the main thing I learned, is that you cannot fix other people. You can help if they want to get help, that is fine, but you cannot fix them...


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

I would.....if I were you.....see a divorce attorney and know what your options are and where you stand before you have this talk with him. He seems like he is very stubborn with anger issues and does not want to work on the marriage. And he's using his anger and bullying tactics against you. So if you have this talk....and D is thrown out there again....you should be ready to back up his invite with the papers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He hasn't changed his mind since you last brought it up months ago. He doesn't want help. What do you hope to accomplish by bringing it up again? A warning shot that divorce is next? Don't threaten him with that unless you're ready to follow through. Last time you threatened and he called your bluff that was your answer. He'd rather get divorced than do what you want.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> From a broad sense, what does it mean if someone is scared to bring up an important topic to their husband or wife in a long-term relationship because it is a volatile topic, even though an important one? I have no other background or info. to share, just wanting to know WHAT it means if someone literally is scared to bring up an important topic because of previous reactions - despite how important a topic is. Should one be able to bring up ANY topic in a marriage without fear?
> 
> Sunshine


Hard to say without details. If it's an honest topic meaning there is no deception but just fear then I think it could mean a lot of things. 

Your communication is not good, for one.

Which means you should work on that, both of you. If you can't get over it together then maybe marriage counseling.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

YES - as much as I want to have the conversation NOW before we go into the new year, I DO need to be better prepared. GOOD ADVICE, for sure.



Lukedog said:


> I would.....if I were you.....see a divorce attorney and know what your options are and where you stand before you have this talk with him. He seems like he is very stubborn with anger issues and does not want to work on the marriage. And he's using his anger and bullying tactics against you. So if you have this talk....and D is thrown out there again....you should be ready to back up his invite with the papers.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

YES, hoping to let him know that I am close to the edge of wanting out and I really, really need to see he is open to making an effort. Right now, he thinks because I haven't mentioned anything in months, it's fine - well, it's not. To be fair to him, I want to let him know how close to the edge things are. And YES, I need to be ready to follow through if it comes to that, I agree.



Openminded said:


> He hasn't changed his mind since you last brought it up months ago. He doesn't want help. What do you hope to accomplish by bringing it up again? A warning shot that divorce is next? Don't threaten him with that unless you're ready to follow through. Last time you threatened and he called your bluff that was your answer. He'd rather get divorced than do what you want.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> This topic is one that tops the heap in terms of creating anger - he gets mad about other things, but not to the degree of this.


Sex is a "loaded" issue for many men. It's also common for men, who have been taught they should "never cry", "be fearless", etc..... to respond using anger to things of which they're afraid.

And, they're taught that sex is an area of life they should automatically be good at. When they're not, these fears and self-loathing become powerful controllers, sometimes preventing them from seeking help.



Openminded said:


> He'd rather get divorced than do what you want.


Sadly, that may be quite true. Divorce may be less painful for him than asking for help. It's not that he doesn't want help, it's that he doesn't want to need help.
Divorce doesn't make him a "failure".....

I would like to see you try to get your husband to tell you WHY he gets angry about your requests for more sex.

Another thing you might consider is asking him to go to MC with the proviso that sex is "off the table". Only other issues will be discussed there. A smart MC will know why, you don't have to spell it out.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Thanks for this insight that as a female I just don't have. Very good info. to know - also, never thought about asking for mC with the provision that it will NOT include that topic - why didn't I think of that??????? Something worth considering............and I am thinking about a lot right now 



TJW said:


> Sex is a "loaded" issue for many men. It's also common for men, who have been taught they should "never cry", "be fearless", etc..... to respond using anger to things of which they're afraid.
> 
> And, they're taught that sex is an area of life they should automatically be good at. When they're not, these fears and self-loathing become powerful controllers, sometimes preventing them from seeking help.
> 
> ...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

"What does it mean if you're scared to bring up an important topic?"

It means that the other person has had bad responses to important topics, and now has control in the relationship because you are too afraid to bring them up anymore.

His responses have conditioned you to feel anxiety, and even fear to the point that you are afraid to even bring up anything that might upset him.

What would happen if you just let him be angry, and you told him could care less if he was upset, but the problem stands and that if he doesn't solve it, you will.....and he might not like your decision?

Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I already know...............and he will tell me to go ahead and go if I don't like HIS response. I've been down this road with him before which is why it's difficult to even fathom bringing it up again. Yet I must if I am going to get any resolution to this. I refuse to go another whole year in limbo with this.




Araucaria said:


> "What does it mean if you're scared to bring up an important topic?"
> 
> It means that the other person has had bad responses to important topics, and now has control in the relationship because you are too afraid to bring them up anymore.
> 
> ...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You want different things from marriage at this point. You want intimacy, affection, connection. He believes that his being a good provider, giving you freedom, etc. fulfills his job as a husband. Listen to this--YOU HAVE DIFFERENT ingrained BELIEFS--y'all are beyond compromise at this point.

Discussing it one more time or 20 will not change his mind, nor yours. Anger underlies his knowing you find him lacking and he explodes to control you. You think if you can just get him to really HEAR you, things will change and you resent his 'stubbornness'. NOPE...

Your life will change if you leave. But you will not start over from scratch--life now means different expectations, goals, positions of comfort. What would happen if you choose to stop stirring the pot and get on with another life? Is this what you want or not? Really a yes or no decision--not a 'if I had just tried harder' decision. Where do you wish to be in 5 years? Are you ok if he finds happiness with someone else? There is no perfect answer--just a best decision as we could accomplish at this time answer.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I already know...............and he will tell me to go ahead and go if I don't like HIS response. I've been down this road with him before which is why it's difficult to even fathom bringing it up again. Yet I must if I am going to get any resolution to this. I refuse to go another whole year in limbo with this.


What do you mean by "resolution?"

I'm just going to guess what you mean by resolution. You mean that he hears you out and changes.

He is not going to change.

Either you change (which you can't because sex is a basic need for you, like air) or you live the rest of your life miserable.

You will die, bit by bit, or you will become angrier and angrier, or you accept that he is not going to change, accept that the situation is untenable, and you get out.

Sorry, I don't see any easy resolution for you. You will have to suffer no matter what you do, but depending on your choice, you can be happy again.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

sunsetmist said:


> You want different things from marriage at this point. You want intimacy, affection, connection. He believes that his being a good provider, giving you freedom, etc. fulfills his job as a husband. Listen to this--YOU HAVE DIFFERENT ingrained BELIEFS--y'all are beyond compromise at this point.
> 
> YES! Our definitions of what makes a good marriage obviously are different. If he isn't willing to do the other or see that it is important to me, then so be it. I do feel that I owe it to him one more time to let him know that I am desperately unhappy. As i mentioned in an earlier thread, right now he thinks it is fine because I haven't said anything in 3 months. It isn't fine. I think he deserves to at least know and I need to know that I gave him one last opportunity.
> 
> ...


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Araucaria said:


> What do you mean by "resolution?"
> 
> I'm just going to guess what you mean by resolution. You mean that he hears you out and changes. YES. That would be the ideal resolution.
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Determine which is more important to you - sex & affection or financial security. Do consult with an attorney as that will help you with your decision. 

I'm not sure it is helpful for you to consider his lack of desire as a case of stubbornness. He could make the same claim of you. You keep thinking the problem will resolve if only *he* will change. *He * isn't the unhappy one - *you* are. Therefore, you are the one who will have to make any change. 

If your husband isn't the violent type, then the only fear you have is that he will get angry and explode. How about if you send him an e-mail telling him that you will be broaching this subject and for him to have time to get his thoughts together beforehand. That way he won't be caught off-guard and may actually think about it. Good luck.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Determine which is more important to you - sex & affection or financial security. Do consult with an attorney as that will help you with your decision. Yes, I agree. I think it is really the first, but also some security in that I am not going to be able to be self-supporting. I think a lot of it is that I have lost any confidence that should be there, for other reasons. But yes, I agree and an attorney is in order to answer questions about the finance part.
> 
> I'm not sure it is helpful for you to consider his lack of desire as a case of stubbornness. He could make the same claim of you. You keep thinking the problem will resolve if only *he* will change. *He * isn't the unhappy one - *you* are. Therefore, you are the one who will have to make any change.
> 
> If your husband isn't the violent type, then the only fear you have is that he will get angry and explode. How about if you send him an e-mail telling him that you will be broaching this subject and for him to have time to get his thoughts together beforehand. That way he won't be caught off-guard and may actually think about it. Good luck. Had not thought of this and great idea!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is he observant at all?

If he is, a I would buy the book “Sex Starved Marriage”. When he notices it, and starts into anger that you got it for *him*, let him know that you bought it for yourself, to see if there is “anything else left I can try to help our marriage that I haven’t thought of yet.”

Slightly less pointed, but should get the topic back up for discussion again with a slight chance of lass anger.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Generally yes, married couples should be able to discuss anything, especially the uncomfortable things with each other without fear.
> 
> I say generally because it's hard to say much more without context.


I totally agree. We should never fear the reaction of our spouses and they should never fear ours. We should also report ourselves to our spouses if we have done anything wrong but by then we should know what they reaction is going to be.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You are receiving some new insights here. Please, resist the temptation to return to your former mental state, and allow the new knowledge to take hold in your thinking process.

Start to ask yourself "why does my husband do _______ and respond ________ ???"..... then take time, and strongly consider the "why".... come back here to us if we can provide more viewpoints.... seek out the MC, don't force your husband to go, just go alone.

Getting that book is a capital idea. 

Life is not an absolute. Only occasionally do we get to choose between "good" and "bad". Most of the time we have to choose between "bad" and "worse". 

I want you to make no mistake about one thing. At your age, and at your obtainable employment prospects, you will be jumping off a financial cliff. You will be working at 80. And, it will not be because of your husband's stubbornness, it will be because you have made the choice. You could simply remain as you are, and you could use your new knowledge, that you have begun to get here, and the knowledge you will learn by your open-minded, open-hearted pursuit, to try to get more sex.

Personally, from a man's perspective, I think your husband wants to deliver. He may not know how, he may be afraid, he may feel inadequate, and he may feel that seeking help is "jumping off a self-esteem cliff".....

You two need to talk. But, please don't expect that openness is going to come in the next 3 days. Read. Learn. Get help for yourself. You cannot change your husband.
Only yourself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A couple should be able do discuss anything, but some people are "minefields" and can be set off - sometimes without warning. My wife's mother was like that - she would become extremely irate and stay that way for a week or more, over tiny perceived insults or in appropriate statements. My father in law eventually gave up trying to talk to her.


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