# Advice from you in the other side of divorce.



## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hi there, just wondering how long it took you guys (if you are there yet) to feel somewhat heathy and normal again after your divorce.
And what was that process like? What kind if stages etc?

Thank you.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't remember exactly how long but it wasn't overnight, for damn sure. Maybe a year out from the divorce where I started to feel a semblance of normalcy. It also helped once ex and I stopped hanging out/contacting eachother. Waking up in the middle of the night panicked also eventually wore off.

And I cried less. And I smiled more. 

It is a process. Some go through I quickly. I was not one of them. But I am on the other side and doing better.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

I was just thinking this same thing. I'm close to 3 years out. I would have my good days and bad days. The bad days seemed more than the good but over time they swapped.

I'd say yes around one year for me as well. I started getting out and having fun 7 months after she left though b/c she was already dating someone else (her current husband). That allowed me to see what life was like being single again and helped me realize that I let a lot of friendships go, let myself go, and made me focus on what was now going to be a new, fun adventure.

Everyone is different. I met a woman who was still struggling 7 years after her divorce - this was in a church divorce group.

I can tell you that sitting around being down didn't do a damn thing for me. Focusing on me is what got me through.

I will say that the grass for me has been greener on the other side but it certainly wasn't easy to get there. 

Joe


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Thanks Jellybeans,

I appreciate your insight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It's a reassessment phase you go through. 
You've had the betrayal, the rejection, and the complete change in your life. 
But you will get to the point where you see YOU again, not "me 'n' him" as your life. 
I lived by myself in a small trailer after leaving her and a very large, nice house we'd built. Looking back now at the trailer years, those were the best years I've spent in a long time, looking at myself, liking myself, improving myself. 

It's good to spend time with yourself. You learn again who you are.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Clark G said:


> I can tell you that sitting around being down didn't do a damn thing for me. Focusing on me is what got me through.


I am over a year physically seperated, 8 months post divorce. I have to agree with this. I have been doing nothing lately for the past few months but this..sitting around doing nothing. It is not productive and really has put me in a funk. Just feel depressed and blah. 

I wonder if I was so "go go go go go" when I moved out that after the dust has settled I'm left with this...? 

I am still happier than I was in my previous life though. Just in a funk.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it depends on who made the decision to leave, the reason(s) for leaving, and the circumstances.

I decided to leave, and we'd both agreed on it as it was due to incompatibility (no infidelity). Acting on it was delayed due to an illness of hers - I stayed a year until she was back on her feet. We both had plenty of time to process the impending changes, and even went to counselling to deal with transitional issues. I can't recall all the feelings involved, but mainly it was relief that the decision was made, and some frustration at having to wait to implement it.

So, in my specific circumstances, I felt healthy and normal within a few weeks of actually moving out. I was happily dating within 6 weeks. The actual divorce wasn't final (due to her personal issues and delays) for seven more years. Patience paid off for me, though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DarkLily - did you file yet?


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Stbxh filed the petition, (because I want him to remember that he was the one that filed like a hurricane to make it "OK" to sleep with the Ow, when he try's to pull [email protected] about "I left him" or wants me back) the two months are almost up for him to file the final decree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

So you are dealing with an infidelity situation. I would think that would make things a bit more difficult.  That was one of the few things that wasn't on my plate with my divorce. 

I was separated from my alcoholic ex husband for 3 years before I filed. I was hoping we could eventually make our marriage work, that he'd sober up but it never happened. What the separation did do was give me a chance to live on my own, care for my kids build a life apart from my ex husband and gain confidence and eventually I grew to love and appreciate being single. He eventually wanted to move back in with me (for all the wrong reasons) I turned him down flat. From the minute he walked out in November, 2010 I never missed living with him and never wanted to live with him again. But I still loved him in some bizarre way and was hoping that we could have a some sort of marital relationship while living separately. I don't know..an FWB while married? :wtf: A lot of it was contingent upon his remaining sober and that never seemed to happen in any case. 

As time went on though things didn't improve in our relationship and I started moving further away from him both emotionally and physically. I spent the summer of 2012 pretty much away from him and found myself enjoying life more as a result. His mental state steadily worsened to the point where I began avoiding him that fall. In December, 2012 we had the final break and I filed for divorce. The details are all here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html

By the time I filed I was completely done emotionally with him. I wanted nothing to do with him or the marriage. I went to file like I was going shopping at the mall. It was no big deal. It cost me $275. I filed in January (started the process December 15) and it was done by April 1, 2013. I wanted a quick, easy, cheap divorce and I got it. It was the best I could hope for and the most realistic course of action given the circumstances. 

Interestingly enough, my relationship with my ex improved after I filed up until the divorce. I literally went out of my way to be amicable because in his unstable condition I just wanted to make things as easy as possible so I was very accommodating and amicable. We went to court together a few times to file paperwork, attend a few seminars (one was mandatory) and drove to the courthouse for the final hearing and had lunch afterwards. Pretty freaky, eh? :rofl:

I was hoping things would stay in that vein, if only that we could better coparent my son and help each other out from time to time. I was also hoping he would eventually ante up in the form of child support as he'd promised if things stayed friendly. 

He was hoping for more. On the day of the divorce he actually asked me if I wanted to have an FWB relationship with me. It was all I could do not to fall down laughing. :rofl: Of course I said "Thanks, but no thanks." No way was I ever going THERE. Besides, he wasn't that great to begin with and I had absolutely no sexual desire for him at all by that point. 

After the divorce on April 1, we parted amicably enough. He would see my son most weekends and we did our taxes together. He helped me take the hard doors off my Jeep but we never really socialized again. We basically kept on the same way we had before. 

We went along until about the end of April and then I got a bill for the last $1600 health insurance premium from December 2012 that he hadn't paid, didn't plan to pay but went to the doctor and put claims into the insurance company anyway. It was in my name so it was something that I got stuck with. He steadfastly refused to help me pay this bill. 

To make matters worse, he won't pay me ANY child support at all, which qualifies him as a "Deadbeat Dad". In May he started working for himself doing the same thing that I earn my living at so that he now directly competes against my business. Now he is not only NOT giving me money but is taking business away from me as well. And I'm the one supporting our kids! 

I broke off contact with him completely this past May and told him that if my son wants to see him they can make arrangements for visitation separately. He is not under any circumstances to contact me unless it is about making support payments of some sort or helping me with the health insurance bill (which I'm still paying for). He is forbidden to enter my apartment and I told him that I will call the police if I see him enter my building. 

Haven't heard or seen him except to see his truck when he picks my son up. My son calls him on his phone and his father calls him when he arrives. My son goes out to him and is dropped off when his visits are done. This summer he has spent about half of the week with my ex and comes home to my house most of the time Thursdays to the weekend. Come school, he'll probably go see his father on the weekends. It's really up to him and what his father want. I have no part out it at all. 

This works out very well for me. I plan to leave the area in a few years so that'll make things even better. We don't have any mutual friends or activities so that's a big help in the healing process. Out of sight..out of mind.

My advice: Is if you don't have to have any contact at all with your ex, then don't. Keep it cordial and polite and do as much as you can without contact. Good luck. 

So how long did this take? About a year it seems. That seems to be a common scenario. Prolonged contact with the ex seems to prolong the agony. 

Get yourself a life. Hobbies, friends. Keep busy and do not jump into another relationship/dating until you aren't thinking about or dwelling about your ex or failed marriage. Those are my ground rules. 

Best of luck and welcome to the club. You'll be a Gold Seal member before you know it.


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