# Not sure how to put it all behind me



## SadandBroken (Nov 19, 2014)

Hello everyone. I've been a lurker for about a year. I'm feeling kind of lost and thought I'd finally put my story out there to see what advice you all may have for me. 

My husband and I have been together for 25 years, married for 19, and we have three kids together - 23, 17 and 14. We got together very young - he was 14 and I was 17.

We split up twice during those 25 years - once when our oldest was a year old, and again 13 years ago. Both times my husband left me for another woman, and both times we were only split up for about two months before he came back.

I was so in love with him (and so young and stupid) that I was just happy that he came back, so we didn't do counseling back then. I had a hard time dealing with it after the second split, and I ended up cheating on him (three times physically with one of those a full-blown affair, plus one online affair) in the years that followed. I remember thinking that men just didn't have feelings, because both times he left me, it seemed to come out of nowhere. We went from a "love at first sight" destiny-type of love, to him saying, "I'm not in love with you anymore." Then back to "I'm an idiot - I love you forever." 

For at least the past 6-7 years (up until a year ago), our marriage was great. We don't have difficulty getting along, we like all the same things, rarely argue and have a great sex life. My husband called me his soulmate all the time. Things were REALLY great. I had been completely, 100% faithful to him during that time. I was 100% happy with him.

Then, a year ago I was suspicious of a friend of ours who had recently split from her husband. She started tagging my husband in things on Facebook - also tagging me, but it didn't seem right. She lived across the country, so I knew nothing physical was going on, and I thought I was just being jealous. Then my husband happened to leave his phone in the bathroom one night, and I decided to check it, something I never do. Despite everything we've been through, I did trust him. Well, I found messages with this woman on Facebook, where he called her "my love". I was beyond devastated, and I confronted him with it immediately. He said he wasn't in love with her, that he was going through a midlife crisis thing, and he just enjoyed attention from her. 

Then about a month later, I checked his phone again, and found TWO MORE WOMEN he was emailing. I flipped out and didn't really read everything (it was honestly too much for me to handle) and confronted him immediately. One of the women he said was an attention thing also - someone he went to school with who also doesn't live here. The other woman he admitted to cheating on me with about 9 years ago, and he stayed in contact with her. She also doesn't live anywhere near here. He said he had emailed them to tell them that he wasn't going to be talking with them anymore. 

All of this was so devastating to me. I didn't think my husband was capable of doing these things. How does someone have a happy marriage, love his wife, yet still need to carry on with other women? I told him it felt more devastating that he was TALKING with them - I wish it had just been sex. He said he found comfort in talking to other women.

He was so remorseful, and begging me to stay, and saying he would do anything to save our marriage. This was so unlike my husband because in the past when he left and came back, it was just like "Ok, I'm back now. That's the end of that." When I saw the messages, I honestly thought "Ok, this is it. He's leaving me again." But he had the complete opposite reaction.

So we've been going to marriage counseling for almost a year now. He is a great counselor and has really helped us a lot. There have been times in the past year where our marriage felt really good again, but as the anniversary of D-Day came around, all the doubts and worries came back with a vengeance. I've brought it up to my husband, but he gets so discouraged and doesn't know what to do to make it better, so I don't bring it up anymore. I don't know what to do to make it better either. I worry about him still continuing to talk to other women. He swears he's not. But I find it very difficult to believe him and trust him. 

One mistake that we made was not getting all the details out. I still have questions that aren't answered, but do I really want them answered? I want to spend my life with this man. We are a really great match and I can't give up on our marriage, especially since I haven't been an angel either. And no, my husband doesn't know about my infidelity - he suspects and probably does know about it, but is in denial. And revealing it now definitely won't help. And I know if I expect more details from him, I should come clean as well and I don't see that ending well.

So this is why I'm lost. I want to put this behind me. I try. I try to tell myself that even if he is continuing to talk to other women, he's good to me and what marriage is perfect anyway? But all these rationalizations don't work for long.

I became so depressed during all of this that I lost over 20 pounds and had to start taking an antidepressant. I've tried to stop the antidepressant when I feel like things are good, but the depression comes right back and I have to go back on it, which depresses me again. The medication really helped all the swirling thoughts to stop in the beginning, but not so much anymore.

I do want to spend my life with him. He swears he wants no one else but me and wants to spend his life with me. So - what do you guys think? How can I put this behind me?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sadandbroken,

You're probably not getting a lot of immediate responses, because for whatever reason, couples that have both cheated are sometimes not viewed with the same urgency.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm going to tell you something that I know you don't want to hear.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He will almost surely cheat again. There is too much past history to suggest otherwise. Rarely do we read about a successful R with a serial cheater. Unfortunately, that's just the way it is.

So you have a decision to make. You can carry on as you have been, in a false R, with someone who will likely hurt you again. If you choose this, there is only a small chance he will turn around. But that small chance could be helped, if you confess your own infidelity, continue the MC, and this time - attempt to build a new marriage based on honesty. Him understanding the hurt of your own cheating may be a revelation to him; or it may make him all the more likely to leave you. Either way, if you decide to stay with him, you should confess. I see that as your best chance for a true R, even if it's a small one.

But I think the better path, is to move on with you life and find someone else that will be faithful to you; while committing to be faithful yourself.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Sad,
There is so much wrong here. This may sound crazy but this is what I feel. I think you two need a reset. You got together very young and the maturity to be in a relationship had not developed yet.

Think of a marriage as a structure. The first thing it needs is a solid foundation on which to build the rest. His deceit and cheating, your deceit and cheating, lack of communication, it all makes for a very weak foundation. How solid of a structure can you possibly expect to build on such a weak foundation?

I believe that the only way to mature past this is for both of you to come totally clean and then decide if you both want the marriage to move forward. Without total honesty you will always be wondering if he's messing around and he'll never feel comfortable talking to you and may find other women to talk with then you may feel bad and look for another A.

Really, you both need to stop and fully consider what you want. If you both want this marriage to work, then begin by reinforcing the foundation and, again, without TOTAL honesty the foundation will never be rock solid.

Does your counselor know of your As? Is he in agreement that hiding them is the best course of action to solidify the marriage? This will not be easy and it may not work out but it's either be in a committed, honest relationship or continue on as you are. Of course, your choice. Good luck to you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Are you both in MC?

Have him give you a timeline and you give him yours as well.

Clear the slate and try to start again.

Try honesty and no secrets. It will sometimes help you sleep.

Have you stopped all contact with your OM? I hope so.

I also hope your H will realize how destructive his actions are to you.

Hope you two can find something nice to do for each other.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SadandBroken said:


> I do want to spend my life with him. He swears he wants no one else but me and wants to spend his life with me. So - what do you guys think? How can I put this behind me?


Until you put him in your rear view mirror, you will have continuous heartbreak and pain. 

That's all there is to it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Come clean. Disclose your wrongdoings and ask H to do the same.
No way to put this behind you with both of you lying.


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## SadandBroken (Nov 19, 2014)

Thank you very much for your replies.

First of all, leaving him is not an option. If I was miserable with him, yes, this would have been the end. It's easy to read this and think we are a screwed up couple - you can't condense 25 years into one post and show the whole picture of our relationship. We really do love each other, and we really are a great match. I do think that many of our problems with infidelity are due to getting together so young.

My cheating was nothing but revenge for him leaving me again. And I put an end to all of that long ago. I have had no desire to do anything like that anymore. Like I said - I was 100% happy with him before all of this came out.

And yes, I knew I was going to be told that he is a serial cheater and he will do it again. But in reading this, you all probably think I'm a serial cheater as well, although I know that I have no desire to do that again. My husband says he doesn't want to do that again either, that he knows what he almost lost and won't take that risk again. He does know how much he hurt me.

We are both going to marriage counseling. We went together, then for some individual sessions, then have been going together for the last 8-9 months. I have not told the counselor about my cheating, other than the online affair. And I did tell my husband about that one after all this came out about him. I considered telling him the rest, but some of my friends advised me that was a bad idea. I really don't know how he will take it. If I had felt that our marriage was over, I would have told him. There were times I came close to telling him, but I didn't feel like I could take that risk. And honestly, I was going through enough hell myself that I didn't want him to be able to turn any of this back on me, since I had fully committed myself to him years ago. He was still carrying on with other women, while telling me he was completely happy. I actually WAS completely happy with him.

I may need to go in to the counselor for an individual session, fully come clean about everything and see where to go from there. 

Thank you all.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Until you are BOTH honest with each other you are going nowhere. 

If you want the truth you will need to be deserving of it. By this I mean, of course, coming clean. 

Do this with the counselor present....If you two can move past all this together, you will be so strong it is unlikely anything could tear you apart. Keep wanting certainty when you can not give it yourself, and nothing will keep you together...not like you want anyway. 

There are quite a few similarities in your story to mine. Experience talking here....Come clean or lose everything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I do want to spend my life with him.


Please don't. He doesn't deserve you.


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