# new to the boards



## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi,
My name is Laure, I will be 43 next month, my husband of 16 years told me on June 12, 2012 that he was leaving. I was totally blindsided, we have had some relationship problems in the last year, but were seeing a therapist to help work out the problems. I was the one that asked him to come with me to my sessions, and he had told her in May that there was nothing in the world that would cause him to ever leave, that he loved me very much and that I should stop worrying about the changes in the relationship, everything was okay.

The last two years have been hard, but we have always worked past any problems in the past. last year, the mother that abandon me when I was 15 showed up at my daughters Graduation, I waited until the next day to tell her to get the #@#@ away from me. I had worked very hard to make something of myself being on my own, and seeing her triggered the abused little girl in me, I admitted to myself it was time to get help, and started to see a therapist who has worked wonders helping me to not forget the past, but how to face it and incorporate it into in my daily life by healing the pain. 
My husband knew of the mental and sexual abuse, but I guess having it brought in our home daily was very heard on him. It did not help that my Mother who is now 61, looks like a harmless grandmother, not the young monster who destroyed my childhood. He said he can't picture her doing the things she did, and wondered if I was telling the full story, even when several friends ( who were there) told him it was all true. She called him on his cell phone begging him to talk to me, wanting forgiveness, but at the same time telling him I was the monster not her.

Then in January I was attacked on my School bus by a child with special needs, it was extremely violent, and I am told the injury to my shoulder, arm, and neck may be permanent, ending my 12 year career of driving a school bus. for the first four months I could not do everyday chores like laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, or driving. Most of the irresponsibility was put on my husband,I felt horrible and useless.
slowly he stopped cleaning and withdrew more to himself, this really upset me, I had taken complete care of all his needs for over 16 years, as well as our kids while working, all he had to do was mow the lawn I took care of everything else. I took care of him during his first heart attack at age 34, and a quadruple bypass in 2010, while continuing to do everything else I had on my plate.

When I asked him why he was leaving he said that he could not get over the fact that I won't talk to my mother, and that it was cold hearted to make her suffer the way I was. That he saw me in a different way, ever since she showed up, that he did not know who to believe. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart, I was the same person he met 17 years ago, the same person he said just a few months ago he would never leave and loved me. 
I gave him so time to reconsider, but in the end he moved out. I immediately filed legally separation paper, I was disabled with only a small amount of money coming in from worker comp, with two kids to take care of. 
He was not happy, but signed the papers, giving me sole custodial, the house, my car, everything in the house, and he is solely responsible for all the bills in the home I live in including both mortgages, all utilities, all medical for kids and ME and will pay a nice chunk of child support. I did not decided the terms my lawyer did, At first I think he thought he was going to be able to just walk away free and clear after 16 years of marriage. He was not happy to find out he had to continue to support his family and fought at first, I could have gotten alimony but told my lawyer as long as he paid the bills and the house payment I would reserve alimony and pension division until the time we decide to get a divorce.
I am very confused on how to act with him, I had no time to react to the news before he left, he went from kissing me goodnight and telling me he loves me to an emotionless, cold, hurtful man when he woke up. I know I have to keep my emotions in tact when he is around ( with the girls) but it is almost impossible to not want to touch his hand, tell him about my day or ask about his, and not hugging him or kissing him. We were best friends and I am dying inside without him. I want to hate him, scream at him, hurt him for not believing in me after 17 years of complete honesty on my part, but I can't, he is the only person in my entire life who has not abused me in some form, he was a great husband,father, provider and friend and I love him so much. 
I hate that he left me at a time that I needed him so much, but I have to accept that that we are over, but how do you stop the habits you have formed over 16 year of a very loving marriage ? Our friendship was so great, when our family doctor of 13 years found out, he cried, even he can't understand, Bill was there just a week ago and was talking about me in a loving and caring way. 
I hear Bill calling me when I am sleeping, and wake up looking for him, I have to save my emotions for when I take a shower or the girls are not here so they don't take sides (even though they are both very angry with him right now) 

Can anyone tell me how to stop the basic instincts I have performed for Bill for over 16 years, I still slip and say I love you and the end of phone calls, and have to say I am sorry. I want him to hold me, and talk to me even if it is just as friends, but I know I can't. I miss him so much, I know time heals, but it does not change the fact the one person I trusted the most to tell everything too no longer wants that. 
I hate talking to everyone else, with their looks of pitty and rude comments that he must have another woman, everyone says that, like it will make me feel better that he left me for another woman, no matter why he felt the need to leave it still huts the same.

Thanks to anyone who reads this extremely long post!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow. Blindsided is right. I can tell how badly you are hurting, and don't fight the pain. It is going to be there no matter what you do. How can it not be? While I did not go through things the way you have, I know how you are feeling and it really sucks.

Allow yourself to feel this right now, and I promise it will get better with time if you allow it to. You are at a point where you have to take care of YOU now. It is good that you are seeing a counsellor. Try to connect with friends and people who will support you.

You are right in the feeling that it really doesn't matter why he left you, the fact is that he did. One thing to be very careful of right now is if he has a sudden change of heart and wants to come back. You will be very tempted, especially when you are so vulnerable, but that is where you really have to be strong. There are clearly problems that he sees and is not telling you about. Until you know what those are things can not move foreward.

You have a great group of people here who have been through what you are going through right now. You are not alone, and never feel like you can't just unload if you feel like it. If you need advice, or just a shoulder to cry on, we're here for you.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Hi Laure, I'll second everything that Samyeagar says above.

There aren't any shortcuts through the misery of this sudden shock. Drinking and other avoidance tactics only delay the healing. Feel everything. Scream. Talk. Be as busy and active as possible. Know that the best thing for you and your family is for you to strengthen yourself at this point. Know that it's just going to take some time.

We are about the same age. I too had massive shoulder damage recently with surgery and long recovery. My relationship began to dissolve at about that time. Coincidence? Don't know. It sounds like you have a good therapist already for the issues you have from childhood. Use that momentum to turn over all the stones in your life and make yourself healthier and happier.

Welcome. Be easy on yourself.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Samyeagar and Orpheus,

Thank you for replying, I already told Bill if he walks out the door without even telling me what went wrong or trying to fix it, I could never let him come back. I watched my Mom marry six times and had countless men in and out of our lives, she would always forgive them and take them back even when they beat her so bad she need to be hospitalized. When they men always came back it did not last long, the problems that caused them to leave in the first place always made them leave again. 

I could never put my children or myself through this again, it hurts too much. When I was younger I had walls built up that shielded me from feeling the pain of my childhood, but when I met Bill all those walls were broken away, the girl hidden behind the shield found her safe place and for the first time began to live. 
If I allowed Bill to come back I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and he walks out the door again, and I am not sure I could forgive him for leaving me at a time I needed him the most, he could have waited until I was able to drive without pain and go grocery shopping, but instead him left only cared how much money he would have for his own expenses.

Orpheus, Drugs and alcohol are not an option for me, I viewed way too many damaged lives because of addiction, so I thankfully will not resort to that to relieve my emotional stress.
I went back to College last year and the homework helps keep my mind off of everything. I also force myself to get up and continue with my regular mommy stuff. 
The times that get me are when both my girls are gone, sometimes I do not make it out of their friends driveway before the tears start, or as soon as I know they have left my body just gives in.

I am going to go read your story, thank you for reminding me that giving up is not an option.

Laure


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Caught off guard said:


> If I allowed Bill to come back I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and he walks out the door again


I'm not minimizing what your h did, but know that your comments juxtaposed to your mom's relationships points to a really raw nerve in your past. In a perfect world, those two things would be independently resolved.

Keep doing good work. Let your h's actions be his own and it'll be easier for you to resolve rather than attaching it to your prehistory.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Orpheus,

I have been in therapy for 16 months, and my therapist told me that the way I handle things is a reaction to the childhood I had, but it is a healthy reaction, a lot of people keep letting the chaos of other peoples lives constantly disrupted theirs, they are dependent on the need for the drama because they were raised with it. I on the other hand only give people few chances to hurt my family and me. Bill and I had a great marriage, but somewhere in the last year his needs changed, and they did not include me or our children. I know deep down that this marriage is over, he has made no attempt in the last month to reconcile, or treat me with any type of kindness that I deserve for being a good wife for the last 16 years. Bill made the choice to walk out the door of the life we created together and sign the legal separation papers, this is a very clear sign that he does not want me. Do I want him back ? Yes, do I need him back ? no. My comment about my Mother was more about saying that when a man or woman is done with a relationship, and leaves, the chances are very slim they will be able to rekindle what they once had, there will always be the hurt a person felt when they walked out. Can a couple get over things like this ? yes, but very few do. I unlike my mother have always had very healthy relationships with men, and my relationship with my husband was the best part of my life, but I can not change how he feels or what he wants. As much as it f#@# hurts me I have to let him go, it is not healthy for my children or me to let him come and go as he pleases. He made his choice and now I and my children have to heal and go on with OUR life, just like he is, I am not going to put their life or mine on hold and wait months for him to get it out of his system and wants to come home. I know you are waiting for your wife, but you do not have children, if there were children involved you would see the hurt in their eyes every day, you only have yourself to think about; I have two daughters that love their father, but do not want to be put through this again either. Adults seem to forget about the needs of the children when a spouse leaves, the girls have had six therapy session and both say
they love their father and would love to not have had this happen, but do not want to be hurt again.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

How do you link your original post, so you don't have to keep repeating ?

thank you in advance.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Opps sent to fast.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm sorry you're going through this laure. i was also blind sided. my story is on lulu's blog/journal. the pain is very intense at first. it sounds like right now you are not willing to R, but i'm wondering if that is true, or is that the pain/panic talking? at first i begged, cried, told him to make a choice by x date or i was done. that just pushed him farther away. i tried to shower him with love. i finally realized that it wasn't me, it was him and that only time and space apart would help me heal and help him decide if he wanted to be with me or not. once he makes that decision, i can then choose if i still want to consider R. we've been separated for almost 3 months and nc for almost 3 weeks. counseling has helped alot. so has TAM, friends, and just focusing on myself and learning how to enjoy being on my own. you will have good and bad days. sometimes you will be sad, angry, fine, indifferent, strong, weak, ect. try to embrace all of these feelings. it's part of the healing/rediscovery process. when chad left, i was so sure i could not possibly do it all on my own, but i have. knowing that i'm survivng without him has been empowering. be selfish and make you your priority.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi Lulu belle,
Yes, I want to R, but I know he does not, we did go to marriage counseling and he lied the whole time, he made himself look like the most caring, loving husband that would never leave his family and then left a month later. I have been in therapy for the last 16 months for childhood issues, and grateful I have had her help me through this. I have been really good at listening to the advice of the 180, there was only one night that I broke down in front of him, he came over a week after he left and as soon as I saw him I became very angry and started yelling at him about something very stupid ( the air condition in my car) and he left. Two days later we had to get together to go over the finances, and he asked me why I had freaked out on him like I did, I started crying and told him that it had nothing to do with what I really wanted to say. I told him I missed him so much I heard his voice in my sleep, and hated not being able to say I love you or walk over to him and hug and kiss him or hold his hand, that I missed my best friend so much and how lonely I felt. He just stared at me with no emotion, no tenderness, no explanation as to what had caused him to leave. The man staring at me that night was not the man I married, he was a stranger. I knew then it was over and I had to except it. Yes I have days that I am pissed, sad, weak, strong, and some that are happy he is gone. My councilor has warned me that I have to be careful around my children, not let them think they have to pick me up off the floor and take care of me and especially do not let them hear me talk badly about their father. Her warning has helped me daily, because I know I need to get out of bed and keep their life as normal as I can, and save my emotions for my friends and when I am alone. My stbeh already made the mistake of saying things about me, he said in front of my youngest daughter that it was my fault he left; she is a very sweet person, but she looked at him and said" shut up *******, mom has been a good wife and friend to you, and a great mother to your children" " Mom has always been there to take care of everyone in this house and this is how you repay her, you are so selfish" and she walked out. We were stunned, she is 13 and has never raised her voice to either of us, I told her she needed to apologize, but she refused. my therapist said I wrong to ask her to apologize, she is allowed to voice her anger and it is her fathers job to fix that not mine, and she needs to be able to tell him how she feels when he says things that hurt her.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i reread your original post, and i think it's complete bs that your relationship with your mother (or lack of) is the base of the reason he left! how is it that he believes her over you? she is a stranger and you are his wife for 16 years! my bull sh!t sensors are going off all over the place. if i were you i would play detective and see if there is an OM.

it's good you aren't bad mouthing him to the girls, but do let them voice their feelings. they have every right to be angry and hurt, and his actions give them no reason to respect him at this point.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Lulu belle,

Yes, the Mother thing threw me for a curve, the fact that he called me cold because I have no contact with her (my choice) or my Father ( his choice, left when I was a baby) is total bull, he has two sisters that he has no contact with, they call many times a year and beg him to call back and he had always ignored the calls. Never have I question his choice, and always supported him. My Mom is 61, but looks years older and has a way of making herself look like the victim. Her and my sister started calling him when I entered therapy, telling him everything I have ever told him was a lie, my sister is 10 years younger than me and was only five when my Mom moved out of state, letting me know I was not invited because she and her new boyfriend only rented a one bedroom apartment. Shortly after that my Mom hooked up with a wealthy married man who supported her and my sister nicely for 20 years. My sister never had to live the way I was raised, so my sister is backing my mom up, telling Bill that her childhood was great, and that I RAN AWAY when I was 15, and my mom told bill she spent years looking for me. This was bull, she knew where I was at always, and the friends I have known since I was 10 told Bill that they were there and saw everything, one was even with me when my Mom told me she was moving out of state, because she thought I could just go over to her house and magically live with her family.
My therapist even talked to my mom on the phone ( she leaves in AZ, I live in IL) and my mom admitted that she left me at 15 because she had my brother at 16 and wanted me to know what it was like to care for myself !She even had the nerve to say the first boyfriend that sexually abused me was only 22 years old and felt horrible for his actions, and the other times were because I would never wear my robe over my pj's and gave the men the wrong idea!
I know it was very stressful for him the past year dealing with my mother coming back into my life after 22 years and causing so much drama, but he could have told them that I have never once lied to him in 17 years, and that he trust me over two strangers he just met, and refuse there calls like he did his sisters.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Lula Belle,

I even have letters that my sister wrote to me when she was younger saying how horrible her life was during the times before my mom met her sugar daddy, the man she moved out of state was a loser who did not work and she was very lonely. I am a scrapbooker and save everything so I even have the envelope with the date and state stamped on it, to the address my mom says she had no idea I was at for years. I think Bill is using this last year of my life as his excuse to leave. I wish he would just be honest and tell me he just wanted out, that his needs have changed, or anything else other than I am not sure who to believe. I think hm saying that hurts just as much as him leaving.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Just finished reading your story. Sorry you have been through so much. Aside from the issue with your mother, how was your relationship with him. Im talking emotional connection, sex life, interests, etc. 

Was everything fine. Or did your childhood have a negative effect on the relationship. Are there things that you think you did wrong that contributed to him leaving or you think he is totally wrong for doing it. Based on what you have said, he's an idiot and I don't know what he is thinking. Why doesnt he trust you?


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Lifescript,

My Mother leaving me was the best thing that she ever did for me. I was able to control my life and take care of just me. I worked very hard to stay away from the dark side and used my mom as my reference on how to treat other people, especially men and children. I have always had very healthy relationships with men, no drama. The first time I met Bill I knew he was the person I would marry ( even after going 27 years saying I would never get married)
We have always been emotionally connected, very loving, with a healthy if not great sex life. We both came from dysfunctional families and wanted to break the ties that often lead children to continue the dysfunction. We both had things we shared together like playing pool, quirky movies, bike rides and we had things we enjoyed alone; he golfed while I scrap- booked. The first 14 years together we barley disagreed on anything, we were a very open happy family. I buried my past deep down, I wanted to have a normal life, but I guess the past has a way of coming back and biting you in the butt. From the minute I laid eyes on my mother again I was that little abused girl all over again, and I could not bury her again. I immediately went for help to learn how to deal with the pain not hide it. I believe that I was a good wife, I was not pushy, never had a honey to do list, never demanded to know where he was at all times, never complained about stupid little things ( nagging has never been my thing). I treated him like I wanted to be treated, If I did not want to do the dishes right away then so be it, if he did not want to mow the lawn then fine with me. Live is too short to waste complaining about stupid crap. I also believe your husband comes before everything else, even the children, your children will grow up and have their own lives someday and if you spent the last 20 years ignoring your husband and putting every waking moment into the kids , you will be left with a a resentful husband. I always included him in all money choices, and NEVER lied to him. Lying is a really big pet peeve of mine, so I do not know why he decided that my Mom and Sister who he did not know were more creditable then me.

Here is a question I answered someone else about the Mom question.

Yes, the Mother thing threw me for a curve, the fact that he called me cold because I have no contact with her (my choice) or my Father ( his choice, left when I was a baby) is total bull, he has two sisters that he has no contact with, they call many times a year and beg him to call back and he had always ignored the calls. Never have I question his choice, and always supported him. My Mom is 61, but looks years older and has a way of making herself look like the victim. Her and my sister started calling him when I entered therapy, telling him everything I have ever told him was a lie, my sister is 10 years younger than me and was only five when my Mom moved out of state, letting me know I was not invited because she and her new boyfriend only rented a one bedroom apartment. Shortly after that my Mom hooked up with a wealthy married man who supported her and my sister nicely for 20 years. My sister never had to live the way I was raised, so my sister is backing my mom up, telling Bill that her childhood was great, and that I RAN AWAY when I was 15, and my mom told bill she spent years looking for me. This was bull, she knew where I was at always, and the friends I have known since I was 10 told Bill that they were there and saw everything, one was even with me when my Mom told me she was moving out of state, because she thought I could just go over to her house and magically live with her family.
My therapist even talked to my mom on the phone ( she leaves in AZ, I live in IL) and my mom admitted that she left me at 15 because she had my brother at 16 and wanted me to know what it was like to care for myself !She even had the nerve to say the first boyfriend that sexually abused me was only 22 years old and felt horrible for his actions, and the other times were because I would never wear my robe over my pj's and gave the men the wrong idea!
I know it was very stressful for him the past year dealing with my mother coming back into my life after 22 years and causing so much drama, but he could have told them that I have never once lied to him in 17 years, and that he trust me over two strangers he just met, and refuse there calls like he did his sisters.I even have letters that my sister wrote to me when she was younger saying how horrible her life was during the times before my mom met her sugar daddy, the man she moved out of state was a loser who did not work and she was very lonely. I am a scrapbooker and save everything so I even have the envelope with the date and state stamped on it, to the address my mom says she had no idea I was at for years. I think Bill is using this last year of my life as his excuse to leave. I wish he would just be honest and tell me he just wanted out, that his needs have changed, or anything else other than I am not sure who to believe. I think hm saying that hurts just as much as him leaving.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Life Script
I forgot to answer one of your questions, the question of blame. I don't feel that either of us is completely to blame, I think after bills second heart attack and a quadruple bypass he became depressed, or started thinking he needed something more. He slowly became less involved in our family like school events or going out with friends. The last year he almost completely stopped communicating with me, and if we did talk it was like I was talking to a stranger, we no longer agreed on anything, I could not even say something about politics that we always agreed on without him getting angry and storming to the Man cave I built for him. He spent the last six months in that room, came home from work, went to man cave, did not eat with the family, went to bed and repeated the pattern except for Monday golf. I honestly do not know or can I even try to guess what he is thinking anymore, we used to be able to almost talk without actually talking, we were always on the same page. Today I have no idea what he wants, needs, or is thinking.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Something happened unrelated to your mother. You said both of you came from abusive childhoods. Maybe it has to do with that. Try to get him to open up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

Life script,

I have tried, even my therapist told him in May that he should see someone because he showed classic signs of depression, he refused. His childhood was not abusive just dysfunctional. His Mother died from heart failure five weeks after he was born, so he was raised by his father who married five different woman. He always talks about his father with love, but has disdain for his stepmothers and his full sister and half sister and refuses to talk about it. It gets very mad when asked about it.


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## Caught off guard (Jul 17, 2012)

I found out tonight the reason Bill left, her name is Ashlee and is 24 years old, I got the cell phone bill and got smart and went online and checked his phone call usage. Her number was all over it, so I called the number and her voice mail said Ashlee is not available, I remember a girl on bills Facebook with that name and put them together. I called him and he only admits to a friendship! My a#$, he would kiss me good night and go upstairs in our bedroom and talk to her for 15- 20 min for the last 6 months ! It is so gross, he is 51 years old and she is 24 !!! A#$#$ tried to blame me to cover up his own guilt.

And to top it off our daughter is named ASHLEE spelled the same way, only five years younger than the child he is with ! funny how he says nothing is going on, but within 5 minutes she had me blocked from her Facebook page and bill deleted her, IDIOTS I have her cell number !!


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