# stressing in my sleep



## littlemrs (Jun 18, 2011)

So I have been married to my H for almost 3 years, we've been together for 5. I was head over heels for him from the very beginning, he was someone who KNEW what he wanted and usually got it. From the get-go it was a very fast-paced romance, within months of dating he asked me to move in . I had never lived with a guy before so very new to me. We fought a lot dating, and married fast. He decided on when and where the wedding was, regardless of how hard it'd be for my family. We moved 2 weeks before wedding from Utah to Washington and lived with his sister and her family (and their newborn) for a few months till we got jobs/apt. Ever since I will admit I've held on feelings of regret/resentment. We had no honeymoon phase or anything it just happened. 

I feel from the get-go the entirety of our marriage decisions have all been his, not _ours_ I feel that he made big decisions, like buying a new car, quitting his job to go to school full-time (but not getting a pt to help with money) So I got left w/ no say in any of this. Even the "baby" talk is up to him, last year I asked when we could start having kids etc. He knew from the get-go I wanted children and so He told me we could in August (this was may when he decided) and I started planning/baby budget and within those prior months he did nothing to help/nor did he speak about it. When the month came to talk about starting to try, He blew up in my face and said he wasn't ready and that we couldn't possibly have kids. I felt betrayed because I felt like I was trying to work with his compromising and now he acts like I am forcing him. 

Im tired of constantly fighting. And our communication skills have worsened. We never had much of a sex life (I was the one with the higher drive) and he says the ONE time a month that we would have sex he says he always felt pressured, that I had to have sex in order to be happy. We haven't had sex since October....

Now we have since been to a couples therapist for the last month and I also go to my own therapist. I dislike our therapist I feel like he backs me into a corner telling me to let the past go and let the H do his thing. Saying that he is going to school and that's like a ft job in itself, though I feel like its unfair since I work ft _and_ I am also in school pt. I asked H if he would consider trying a new one & he got mad and said he felt comfortable...and now..Its like..oh..okay that's all that matters then I guess. I adore my own therapist she is great and really helps me to get the root of my own skeletons though I feel like I am learning my worth and learning I have put him on this pedestal and he isn't giving in return. 

I am tired because I have asked H to get a job anything to help contribute and pay for his car, I say his car bc I live in Seattle and I use the bus since parking is so pricey so he uses the car for school and to carpool his friends. So I never get to use the car unless its a weekend and hes not using it. He doesn't get the stress because he gets home at noon and after homework is watching tv/video games I even have to get on to him and remind him to walk our dog! hes 32 he should know how to be responsible...I'm just lost and stresses, and tired physically, emotionally. I feel disconnected. I feel like we walk on eggshells on a lot of topics.

I am tired of feeling like I have a roommate and not a spouse. I am lonely even when I am sitting in the same room as him. I have become almost completely withdrawn, my self-esteem has deteriorated and I feel like I have put all this effort into this marriage...and now it just...is falling a part..and I cant trust him and I've lost respect for him.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

I can relate with you in many things you mentioned! I have been married 9 yrs now and since day one of our marriage we've been struggling to make this work, its a vicious cycle, it never ends! I'm in a point where I don't even consider trying anymore and no longer love him. You're in time to just stop everything and do what you feel like doing, therapists say to leave the past behind but honestly there are many things in the past that have lead to our current actions and feelings. I have heard couples going on the vicious cycle for 10, 20, 30 yrs! and I definitely don't want to be like that, I don't think you want to either. If therapist isn't helping try, going for a walk or be by yourself for about an hour per day and think,,,,just think,,analyze your feelings and if you really love the guy, then give it your best try!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

littlemrs said:


> I am tired of feeling like I have a roommate and not a spouse. I am lonely even when I am sitting in the same room as him. I have become almost completely withdrawn, my self-esteem has deteriorated and I feel like I have put all this effort into this marriage...and now it just...is falling a part..and I cant trust him and I've lost respect for him.


This tells you all you need to know. You are becoming a shell of yourself...I have been there, done that. Be giving serious thanks that you dont have a child with this man! Set yourself free.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

For sure do not have any kids!

Had he gained anything from therapy? My stbx and I really disliked out first couples therapist but really enjoyed our second one. I gained a lot of perspective the second round but it was too late for us both. If you feel uncomfortable, change therapists. A bad one will do a ton of damage in no time. If your husband refuses to see a different one, stop going. 

If you are in therapy and no relationship work is happening at home, you have your answer. I can only assume that feeling like a roommate is a reference to the lack of romantic love in your marriage. I've read that many many times here. If he knows and is still refusing to make an attempt, once again, you have your answer.

Fix it early or call it quits. You do see a lot of people who love in misery for decades and drag children through it. You sound like you have become independent and are capable of existing without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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