# Update - Tables Have Turned (Back)



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update – the tables have really turned now (my life is like a Soap Opera!).

My husband suffered a mini-stroke (TIA) while at the VA hospital yesterday. He is now in the hospital undergoing tests. He will be okay - this was a minor one.

The bad part is he has regressed in his speech, swallowing and weakness and balance on his left side. He was re-evaluated for his speech/swallowing last night and will go back into additional rehab to get him back to where he was prior to yesterday. He is very disappointed that he has to “start over”, in his words.

So – he won’t be going anywhere anytime soon as I will now be doing some of the things that he was doing for himself since he had improved so much from the TBI in 2008.

I will continue to be loving, supportive and myself (without the criticizing, belittling and general down behavior).

While I know most of you believe HE is all of the problem – I’m here to say I have my share also. He’s not alone in what has happened (in totality) to our relationship.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection since last week and have come to realize that I had lost the fun in my life.

I was too serious – nothing was fun anymore. Every time my husband tried to joke with me I took it as personal and an attack and would start an argument. I lost the ability to laugh at myself and others. I was miserable and making those around me just as miserable. 

I also realized, with the help of a post in another thread in TAM that I was constantly picking apart absolutely everything that was said and done in my marriage to figure out “what it really meant” other than “what it really was.” I was listening to my head more than others, including my husband. 

Every time he said “I Love You” I would tell myself – he doesn’t really, he’s just saying that so you won’t leave. Every time he said or did anything I was looking for a motive – why, what’s he hiding, what does he really mean, he can’t really mean that – I couldn’t take a joke, couldn’t be “not anal” to put it mildly.

No wonder he didn’t want to be around me anymore – to be honest, I wasn’t having fun being around me either.

Sure he has his own issues – but believe me, I’ve discovered I had more than I thought and I am directly responsible (ALSO) for the state of affairs.

I’ve already made great changes. He was feeling better last night and joked about his IV (on clear liquids due to swallowing issue) probably tasting better than my cooking (might have been a fitness test, though probably unconsciously). A couple of days ago I would have responded negatively thinking he was saying I couldn’t cook. Last night, I took it as the joke it was and said – you’re probably right – and remember (this is an old joke between us), the smoke alarm didn’t go off, so I must not have been cooking. He and I both laughed and it felt good – damn it felt good – to let go of the pressure that I have been putting on myself.

I have been my own worst enemy. I have pushed the relationship to the point where I really didn’t want it to be – maybe to verify (to myself) that I was right – he doesn’t love me. I never thought I was good enough for him and I thought I had put that behind me, but it appears I didn’t.

Will keep you updated on how things go. See my IC in a week, that will help. I know it’s going to take a while for HIM to believe that the part of me that got ugly has changed, but I have time now so I’ll go about it slow and get back the woman I used to be. 

Thanks for everyone's support as usual.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Leave it to the universe to find a way to wake him (and you) up. Sad that it takes a stroke to do it but isn't that the way it works sometimes?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Life is ripe with these bittersweet moments. It's too bad sometimes that they do have to be so bittersweet in order for us to change.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Life is ripe with these bittersweet moments. It's too bad sometimes that they do have to be so bittersweet in order for us to change.


Amen to that!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MWIL, you sound like a genuinely great person, i hope everything works out for you


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> MWIL, you sound like a genuinely great person, i hope everything works out for you


Thanks - I'm not a great person - but I am a good person with some not so good faults (like everyone else).

I do too!


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

MWIL .. I've been following your posts on here for awhile and I just want to say that I wish you and your H the absolute BEST of luck with his health and your marriage. Sending lots of positive energy your way ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tranquility said:


> MWIL .. I've been following your posts on here for awhile and I just want to say that I wish you and your H the absolute BEST of luck with his health and your marriage. Sending lots of positive energy your way ...


Thanks - I appreciate it.

He will get out of the hospital this afternoon.

And back to rehab, etc.

Things have been very good the last three days - talking, hugging, kissing, joking around (not just from me, but him too).

I was already beginning several changes, but this helped catapult it forward as things between us are not strained at this point (right now - I know things can change on a dime in my house). 

But I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me with all the self-realization I've been going through and the shift in attitude.

It WILL LAST on my end - I just hope that things will even out on his.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove, life is an amazing thing. I am sorry about the set back in your husband's health and wish you both the best as well. You know I've been following along with your story. I really believe you will get where you want to be.


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## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

I've followed some of your posts as well and am sorry to hear about his health. 

Sometimes facing loosing what we have can make drastic changes in the way we see things....and the way we treat people. I know being faced with loosing my wife after my affair and seeing how she could forgive and continue to love me change my way of viewing her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> MarriedWifeInLove, life is an amazing thing. I am sorry about the set back in your husband's health and wish you both the best as well. You know I've been following along with your story. I really believe you will get where you want to be.


Thanks - I hope so or I've wasted all this time and energy for nothing.

There has got to be some kind of payoff somewhere, sometime. I just hope when I get it, it's not too late.

Hope things are well at your home and congratulations on the job!

I get so wrapped up in my own issues sometimes, that I forget to congratulate others on good things in their own lives.


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