# Another enlighting post from SI



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WS's...was the affair worth it? Opinions, please

While a few are a definite no, there are quite a few who are like "meh, it helped me be who I am today, or I couldn't have stopped it". Now keep in mind they are on a site dedicated to saving there marriage. Just imagine how the BS are in real life, or the ones who aren't self aware enough to post on sites. 

Think long an hard about taking a WS back as this is the type of person you are dealing with. For many of them the part of their brain that produces empathy is missing. The part that pretends like that have it works real well. 

Only real deep heartfelt shame makes it even possible to take a WS back.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

That Darkness Falls lady is a real work of art. What a POS!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> That Darkness Falls lady is a real work of art. What a POS!


Yeah SI really shows the lack of empathy in cheaters and these are ones on their best behavior.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd really have to say that the Heartless Falls woman is nothing more than some ardently self-serving, somewhat unconscionable woman who greatly just wants to have her cake and to eat it too!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I'm a WW and no, of course it's not worth it. I certainly did not gain what I was looking for in the end.


What is SI?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd really have to say that the Heartless Falls woman is nothing more than some ardently self-serving, somewhat unconscionable woman who greatly just wants to have her cake and to eat it too!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or a troll? Either way she/he should be ignored for attention seeking behaviour. What a dumb thing to put on a forum such as that. :surprise:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The post says she is diagnosed BPD but not on any medication.

Seems about right. Her posts are 100% lacking empathy and she speaks as though her notion of "normal" marriage (what she has currently) is the real deal and everyone else lives in the land of unicorns farting rainbows. 

In other words, she's living in a reality all her own with the inability to see or even acknowledge there's an outside. Works for her, but not for us. 

Sounds kind of familiar.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> WS's...was the affair worth it? Opinions, please
> 
> While a few are a definite no, there are quite a few who are like "meh, it helped me be who I am today, or I couldn't have stopped it". Now keep in mind they are on a site dedicated to saving there marriage. Just imagine how the BS are in real life, or the ones who aren't self aware enough to post on sites.
> 
> ...


Reading further is sounds as though she has strong traits of BPD. People with BPD have a big black hole inside them that cannot be filled. They are constantly searching around for someone to give them the thing they think they need, but when the get it - it is never enough. The grass is always greener. Relationships generally are unfulfilling to them. A forum such as SI will not help her. Guaranteed. 

Something I have learned about internet forums is that they are a wonderful resource for those with common issues that can support each other. I am indebted to one particular forum which has helped me greatly, and TAM and a few wise people her have helped me turn things around. But the down side is there is a lot of crap and crappy people who will push the wrong buttons and stir up emotions. I have learned to ignore these types and threads that are likely to trigger me. By allowing some online stranger to push my buttons and engage emotionally with them is like picking away at a scab. It is ok and healthy to voice your opinion but then they are best ignored....for your own well being.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You have not really seen anything from her yet. Read more of her post. She has openly supported in the past WS's using there BS's until they decide what they want to do. She is probably one of the more horrible people I have seen on any of these sites. The real truth is what must her husband thing of himself to stay with her. That site does support reconciliation more than most. When spaceghost openly said he was ditching his cheating wife you should have seen the firestorm of people bashing him. I am a firm believer in divorce when cheating is involved. Yes even more so if children are involved. They need at least one good parent to show them right from wrong. 

C


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> That Darkness Falls lady is a real work of art. What a POS!


Darkness Falls is mentally ill and most likely BPD. Anyone who goes on there should take everything she says with a grain of salt. IMO, her husband is just as to blame for taking her back after what she did. He is more delusional than she is. 

The only point of humor in that whole debacle is that DF's husband had a brief physical affair with her best friend after they separated the first time. She likes to throw that out there as some kind of mitigating factor and one more way to vilify and blame shift to her husband. 

Yeah. She's a piece of work.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SI for the most part is not a bad forum. The people who run the site have specific rules that you must abide by...hence the reason I don't participate. Most of the BSs there are good people, but they are much softer stick than we are here. SI bridges the gulf between the tough-love approach of TAM and the self-imposed cuckoldry of Marriage Builders. MB I have no time for. 

SI is a mixed bag. And the Wayward section, while full of lost, delusional WSs, is the only real positive forum I have seen where WSs can go and get harsh criticism and guidance. No, it isn't perfect, but it is 90% than a lot of the cheater forums, like Loveshack, where members actually encourage each other's affairs. Loveshack is disgusting. 

I have never seen anyone at any time encouraging affairs on SI, I can say that much. Some may try to justify, but I have never seen anyone promote them.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> WS's...was the affair worth it? Opinions, please
> 
> While a few are a definite no, there are quite a few who are like "meh, it helped me be who I am today, or I couldn't have stopped it". Now keep in mind they are on a site dedicated to saving there marriage. Just imagine how the BS are in real life, or the ones who aren't self aware enough to post on sites.
> 
> ...


I'm probably going to get blasted but... yes it was.

Let me explain. First, I would never have gotten my wife to marriage counseling if she hadn't learned of my affair. I had been asking her for years and she just refused. Marriage counseling helped us enormously and we would never had made progress on our own.

Second, I would have never gone to individual counseling otherwise. And what I earned in IC was that I needed to be more assertive regarding my wants, needs and opinions. By bottling up my frustrations I open myself up to bad behavior (drinking, affairs, etc...) instead of being able to talk to the person that really matters.

Did it hurt my wife? Yes. Would my wife been hurt if I walked away from the marriage? Absolutely.

I'm absolutely not recommending that an affair will fix problems but getting caught in one went a long way to fixing ours.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm absolutely not recommending that an affair will fix problems but getting caught in one went a long way to fixing ours.


Not blasting u but there were other options....divorce, separation, etc....just saying, she has to live with your affair more worse than you ever will.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Not blasting u but there were other options....divorce, separation, etc....just saying, she has to live with your affair more worse than you ever will.


Divorce or separation would have been hugely difficult for her. There is no way we could afford our house living separately and she is emotionally tied to the house (raised kids there, etc...). She has a lot of family heirlooms (furniture, jewelry, etc...) that would have needed to be split up. We were close to divorce at one point and she realized what a disaster (financially and mentally) divorce would have been and that is why she backed away from divorce.

But for me of course there were options. I could have walked away from the marriage with my paycheck (she doesn't work) and make her chase me for money. I would have no problem living in a studio apartment but she would. And I don't want to make it sound like "I had the affair for her sake". That's not the case. I'm just saying that the other options at that time could have been much worse.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> You have not really seen anything from her yet. Read more of her post. She has openly supported in the past WS's using there BS's until they decide what they want to do. She is probably one of the more horrible people I have seen on any of these sites. The real truth is what must her husband thing of himself to stay with her. That site does support reconciliation more than most. When spaceghost openly said he was ditching his cheating wife you should have seen the firestorm of people bashing him. I am a firm believer in divorce when cheating is involved. Yes even more so if children are involved. They need at least one good parent to show them right from wrong.
> 
> C


Would sacrificing time until the kids are grown before filing for divorce right or wrong?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm probably going to get blasted but... yes it was.
> 
> Let me explain. First, I would never have gotten my wife to marriage counseling if she hadn't learned of my affair. I had been asking her for years and she just refused. Marriage counseling helped us enormously and we would never had made progress on our own.
> 
> ...


Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.

Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this. 

Thank you for being honest though Chris, your post is enlightening as well.

It can't be emphasized enough the person who stays with a cheater always gets the bad deal.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.
> 
> Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your point of view but it is NOT all about me. Read what I said... a divorce would have been a psychological disaster for her, not that the affair wasn't. But I have to look at the results... today... where we are and can honestly say we're better off as we are now than if we has split up. She would have never gone to marriage counseling, we would have never worked on our marriage.

And saying anyone "lost" when we went from a failing, miserable, hostile marriage to a renewed loving relationship is just ridiculous.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Chris Taylor, am I confusing you w/ someone else or were you -- either earlier this year or at some point last year -- looking into whether or not your wife was cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> @Chris Taylor, am I confusing you w/ someone else or were you -- either earlier this year or at some point last year -- looking into whether or not your wife was cheating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wasn't me.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Apexmale said:


> Would sacrificing time until the kids are grown before filing for divorce right or wrong?



In my mind its wrong. Children need at least one happy healthy parent. It doesn't matter if they life with the children or not. Even a few days a week with a healthy person can change a child's outlook on life. The more they are around positive good people the better chances they will have in life. 

C


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Darkness Falls is mentally ill and most likely BPD. Anyone who goes on there should take everything she says with a grain of salt. IMO, her husband is just as to blame for taking her back after what she did. He is more delusional than she is.
> 
> The only point of humor in that whole debacle is that DF's husband had a brief physical affair with her best friend after they separated the first time. She likes to throw that out there as some kind of mitigating factor and one more way to vilify and blame shift to her husband.
> 
> Yeah. She's a piece of work.


If she really has a husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I'm a WW and no, of course it's not worth it. I certainly did not gain what I was looking for in the end.
> 
> 
> What is SI?


If we as people don't learn to control our own pursuit of pleasure, we get blind to the consequences. 

Just ask a drug addict how the pursuit of pleasure turned out for them. Or ask an obese person with a fixation on foods who constantly struggles with thier weight how the pursuit of pleasure turned out. Or even ask a smoker battling cancer from its effects how the pursuit of pleasure turned out.

If only closed minds, came with closed mouths too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.
> 
> Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this.
> 
> ...


But you aren't an impartial observer.

Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.

And that is not an impartial view point. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>To quote my WW, "I regret hurting you, but I don't regret having the affair". She says it helped her find herself and revived parts of her psyche that she had shut down. <

Emptyinside

shakes head. While I couldnt stay on a PA, i understand some want to give a second chance...

But THAT being said should have made him leave her that minute.

The Mike Heck wedding speech puts the value of family in perfect perspective. Both me and my wife dont get to do things we want to. You sacrifice for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_TyK-asbfY


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Wasn't me.


My mistake then. It must have been someone w/ a similar name.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But you aren't an impartial observer.
> 
> Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.
> 
> ...



Did I say I was impartial? Maybe I did, don't remember.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But you aren't an impartial observer.
> 
> Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.
> 
> ...


It may not be impartial, but IMHO it is a healthy POV, and I say that as someone 9 years out in a R that is probably much better than most.

Sure, there are situations where a R is justified and preferable to the alternative, but I have come to realize that those are truly the exceptions and should not be considered as the rule. Although by all measurable accounts, our R would be defined as a success, I am still haunted by things I can never "un-know", along with nagging doubts about things I still don't know.

Some people either have much better coping skills than me or they are just much more skilled at self-deception, which I believe best describes most self-proclaimed successful R's.

I also come to this issue with the experience of being cheated on and D'ing and being cheated on and R'ing and I can truthfully report that "I" recovered quicker and healthier by taking the D route. OMMV, but IMHO, not by much.


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