# I screwed up



## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

My wife recently discovered that I have not been faithful on several counts. I realize what I have done is wrong but she has misinterpreted a lot of the information and it makes things look a lot worse. Again I realize what I did was wrong but I would like to give some background. I have two children that are grown adults now. After the children were born I was putting the back seat. We spent many years not going on any dates or spending any time together. Weave course had many fights about it. At one point she told me that she was not my girlfriend, I relied on her too much and I needed to get my own life. Again this is it a point that I hadn't seen her outside of the house in many many years. Anyways I know what I did was wrong but the marriage has been very Rocky to say the least. I'm not sure what to do with this point.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Ask her who is the boyfriend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lonely123456 said:


> My wife recently discovered that I have not been faithful on several counts. I realize what I have done is wrong but she has misinterpreted a lot of the information and it makes things look a lot worse. Again I realize what I did was wrong but I would like to give some background. I have two children that are grown adults now. After the children were born I was putting the back seat. We spent many years not going on any dates or spending any time together. Weave course had many fights about it. At one point she told me that she was not my girlfriend, I relied on her too much and I needed to get my own life. Again this is it a point that I hadn't seen her outside of the house in many many years. Anyways I know what I did was wrong but the marriage has been very Rocky to say the least. I'm not sure what to do with this point.


OK, we will be willing to help, but you'll have to help us, first.

What are your mutual ages?

Exactly how unfaithful were you?

Has she been unfaithful, also?

If things appear worse than they really are, I would suggest taking a lie detector test and giving her the results.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> OK, we will be willing to help, but you'll have to help us, first.
> 
> What are your mutual ages?
> 
> ...





Lonely123456 said:


> My wife recently discovered that I have not been faithful on several counts. I realize what I have done is wrong but she has misinterpreted a lot of the information and it makes things look a lot worse. Again I realize what I did was wrong but I would like to give some background. I have two children that are grown adults now. After the children were born I was putting the back seat. We spent many years not going on any dates or spending any time together. Weave course had many fights about it. At one point she told me that she was not my girlfriend, I relied on her too much and I needed to get my own life. Again this is it a point that I hadn't seen her outside of the house in many many years. Anyways I know what I did was wrong but the marriage has been very Rocky to say the least. I'm not sure what to do with this point.


Answer the man. We can help or at least hear you out so spill it and we will dish on it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> OK, we will be willing to help, but you'll have to help us, first.
> 
> What are your mutual ages?
> 
> ...




I still think a set of standard questions similar to another forum had that would provide background info that would yield the best help.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> My wife recently discovered that I have not been faithful on several times. I realize what I have done is wrong but she has misinterpreted a lot of the information and it makes things look a lot worse.
> 
> 
> > So what are these "misinterpretations" that your wife thinks that makes her think it is worse than your actual serial cheating?
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My wife has done the same as yours. Checked out once we started having kids. 

Don’t know if I am staying in the marriage after my youngest graduates HS. 

Anyway what do you want?

Why stay in a marriage when your wife no longer loves you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lonely123456 said:


> My wife recently discovered that I have not been faithful on several counts.
> How did she find out?
> I realize what I have done is wrong but she has misinterpreted a lot of the information and it makes things look a lot worse. You were either faithful or unfaithful, there is no grey area. What exactly has she misinterpreted? You know women esp have a sixth sense when it comes to infidelity, she probably suspected all along, can you imagine what that does to a person? Again I realize what I did was wrong but I would like to give some background. Seems to be you are not trying to shift the blam, just te onto her, instead of looking at yourself. You probably were not the best husband,
> did she go out and cheat on you? I have two children that are grown adults now. After the children were born I was putting the back seat. We spent many years not going on any dates or spending any time together. So here it comes, your excuse for cheating, you do know that is the cowardly way out. Instead of being a leader of your household, blame your wife for not asking your on dates, etc. Exactly what did you do to ensure the marriage worked. Sounds to me, you blamed her and sought your comfort going out and cheatingWeave course had many fights about it. At one point she told me that she was not my girlfriend, I relied on her too much and I needed to get my own life. No, she was not your girlfriend, she was your wife, life partner, that invoves being grown up and taking care of your responsibilities Again this is it a point that I hadn't seen her outside of the house in many many years. Anyways I know what I did was wrong but the marriage has been very Rocky to say the least. I'm not sure what to do with this point.


 You have answered your own question. According to you, it is her fault, she never acted like your girlfriemd,
never left the house, just took care of your now grown kids, probably sacrificed alot of her own personal time to do so considering you were occupied elsewhere. Be a man and do the right thing, sit her down,
be honest and make a grown up decision and get a divorce, so that your wife can move on with her life and you can have he freedom to f*** around


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

We are in our late forties. Our children around twenty. Some of the misinterpretaions are just because there's an email in a picture doesn't mean I ever met that person or you intended to. I spend so much time alone that a lot times I am just looking for some human interaction. I really resent the last comment. When we got married 20 something years ago when you filed put each other first. As soon as the kids were born I was no longer first in her life. It was many many years before I decided not to put her first anymore. There seems to be a line of thinking on here that a man not living up to his marriage vows is horribly wrong but a woman not living up to her marriage vows is totally okay.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> We are in our late forties. Our children around twenty. Some of the misinterpretaions are j*ust because there's an email in a picture doesn't mean I ever met that person or you intended to.* I spend so much time alone that a lot times I am just looking for some human interaction. I really resent the last comment. When we got married 20 something years ago when you filed put each other first. *As soon as the kids were born I was no longer first in her life. *It was many many years before I decided not to put her first anymore. There seems to be a line of thinking on here that a man not living up to his marriage vows is horribly wrong but a woman not living up to her marriage vows is totally okay.


You had multiple affairs, and when she sees something like this, she's not supposed to conclude that this is yet another one? Are you serious here? And you have the audacity to blame her for "making things worse than they really are?" Let me clue you in to something here: it doesn't matter whether you had two affairs or twenty. This is a binary thing. It's either a one or a zero. Once you had your first affair, you crossed a line. At that point you lost any and all moral grounds to fault you wife for anything she may infer from your behavior. And even if you never actually intended to meet this person, you shouldn't have been corresponding in this way in the first place. Period. 

Of course you weren't. You are a grown man. Babies are just that. Do you not think every dad has spent some time on the back burner? 

If your wife is "not living up to her marriage vows," there are things you can do that don't require you to abandon your integrity. First and foremost, work it out with your wife. Communicate. Be there for her. Support her. And let her know you still need her support in return. You say you kept her first, but you don't say you communicated with her. It sounds like things didn't go your way, so you simply checked out. 

Now, if she remains unresponsive or unsympathetic, you have the option of ending the marriage... honestly. As bad as this sucks, it's infinitely preferable to stepping out under cover of darkness. 

We really have no idea so far just how neglected you were (whether you were getting no companionship at all for 20 years, or whether is was merely less than you think you deserve for some lesser period, tbh, you sound kind of needy), or how much effort you put into getting your wife to understand your needs before you abandoned the marriage. In any case, you reacted inappropriately and trying to justify it by saying she was behaving inappropriately is classic blame shifting; a clear indicator of lack of character on you part. 

The most honest thing you've said in this thread is your title itself: "*I *screwed up." 

Until you truly make that sentence the core of your understanding of this situation, without caveat, excuse, or blame shifting, you have no hope of moving forward, whatever moving forward may entail. Maybe it's becoming husband of the year and spending the rest of your life atoning for your sins, or maybe it's cutting her loose so she can live her life with someone of greater integrity (or simply without being shacked to you), you need to own your own behavior. Period.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Do you know what I think is odd: 
Your comments about your children being "about twenty" and you being married about twenty years.

Regarding your conundrum: 
You remind me of my ex-husband. Feeling as if you have been put on the back burner or feel as if you are/were second in her life.

Did you ever specifically tell her that? 
Did you communicate your feelings to her? 
Did you build up resentment over the years because of these feelings?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If she wasn't giving you sex, and it was a deal breaker, you should have divorced her.

Not gone outside of the marriage.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Lonely123456 said:


> There seems to be a line of thinking on here that a man not living up to his marriage vows is horribly wrong but a woman not living up to her marriage vows is totally okay.


It’s clear you haven’t been here long, otherwise you would never say that. What people are saying is that infidelity of any kind is rarely justified. If she is not living up to her end of the bargain there is counseling, or just plain leaving. You chose an unacceptable route. Now read the advice and take it in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, to all of the comments so far, but......you need to answer MattMatt and give us some more information.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

From what you wrote, the only misinterpretation she made is that you want her (and us) to think it was her fault that you cheated.

But it was NOT her fault.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

sorry i have been busy and unable to respond. lets see. i didnt say she was making it worse i said that the fact that she was misinturpreting things made things worse. my kids are 19 and 20 we have been married 24 years. i didnt thing exact numbers were important. we spent at least 10 years without doing anything together even going to the grocery store. i told her many times that i thought we should spend time together. that is when she said i am not your girlfriend, i rely on her to much and need to get my own life. she has said that i am contolling of her time and trying in imprison her. i am not blaming her. what i did was wrong but to not look at why i did what i did would seem not helpful.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

So just what Did you do? That has her looking for you to be cheating? How did you "screw up"?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If you go to your wife and tell her that you feel that she is neglecting the relationship and that either you two work on the relationship or you are done, then ok, I think most people can understand that situation. However, it does not appear that is the situation. I don't intend to throw rocks at you, but there is nothing that she did that justifies you cheating on her. For this situation to get better, the first thing you have to do is admit that you are wrong, not admit you are wrong....BUT....you are wrong period. I think you need to think long and hard if you really want to save this relationship. It is going to take a lot of work to fix it and since you are one that ran it in the ditch, it is going to be up to you to dig it out. If you are willing to put in the work, then just cut your losses and get out.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

nsa sex. left something on the computer. i screwed up by doing these things


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> sorry i have been busy and unable to respond. lets see. i didnt say she was making it worse i said that the fact that she was misinturpreting things made things worse. my kids are 19 and 20 we have been married 24 years. i didnt thing exact numbers were important. we spent at least 10 years without doing anything together even going to the grocery store. i told her many times that i thought we should spend time together. that is when she said i am not your girlfriend, i rely on her to much and need to get my own life. she has said that i am contolling of her time and trying in imprison her. i am not blaming her. what i did was wrong but to not look at why i did what i did would seem not helpful.


You implied that she thinks it’s worse than it is.

The same position still holds true. You’ve had affairs, so naturally she’s going to interpret such things exactly the way you’ve taught her to interpret them through your actions.

Every time you deflect this, you only continue to discredit yourself.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

im sorry. i was simply trying to point out that there is a quite a difference between the reality of what happened and her perception of what happened.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Lonely123456 said:


> im sorry. i was simply trying to point out that there is a quite a difference between the reality of what happened and her perception of what happened.


and yet not explaining what these perceptions are..repeatedly...makes whatever this is as clear as mud.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> im sorry. i was simply trying to point out that there is a quite a difference between the reality of what happened and her perception of what happened.


You’re still not getting it.

When you had affairs, you gave her every reason to perceive exactly the way she did.

If she misperceived anything, that’s still on you.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

there are several misconceptions. The main on being the number of times it happened. I realize once is too much but 100 times would clearly be worse. i was simply commenting that for her sake i would not want her to think it was more than it was. im not sure why i am getting slammed for that, or giving my kids exact age, or providing details of the things i did.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

i never said it wasnt on me. i get slammed for not providing enough information and then providing too mush information. ugh


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

The Middleman said:


> It’s clear you haven’t been here long, otherwise you would never say that. What people are saying is that infidelity of any kind is rarely justified. If she is not living up to her end of the bargain there is counseling, or just plain leaving. You chose an unacceptable route. Now read the advice and take it in.


Indeed. Not a week goes by without yet another new thread about a wife neglecting her husband, and many ready to pile on and condemn her for it.

But the advice, quite rightfully, is always to find a way to work together to fix it or, failing that, to either accept it or leave, never to cheat.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

jesus. i get that. i said what i did was wrong. telling me what i should do is helpful, telling me what i should have done is not!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> there are several misconceptions. The main on being the number of times it happened. I realize once is too much but 100 times would clearly be worse. i was simply commenting that for her sake i would not want her to think it was more than it was. im not sure why i am getting slammed for that, or giving my kids exact age, or providing details of the things i did.


The point here is that whether it was 4 or 5 makes no difference. Or if it was even 2 vs 3. So long as you fixate on her thinking it was 3 instead of two, you are not focusing on the right thing!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> jesus. i get that. i said what i did was wrong. telling me what i should do is helpful, telling me what i should have done is not!


And yet you keep on blame shifting time after time. Not only have you fixated on her mistaking the number of times (which, quite frankly, is largely irrelevant here), you also fixated on "everyone here harps on me breaking my vows but nobody gets on a woman for breaking her vows" which is not only just plain false, it's also equally irrelevant.

And if you think nobody has moved beyond that to what you should do, as you claim to be interested in, you haven't been paying attention. Go back through the thread. You have been advised everything from being a better husband, to cutting here loose to find someone else. 

Advice has been given... and ignored, usually with a foundation of blame shifting or a focus on irrelevant details. Let us know when you're honestly ready to own your behavior straight up, and willing to consider what has been said.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

ii am not the one fixated on this. i made one comment.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lonely123456 said:


> ii am not the one fixated on this. i made one comment.


... that you continued to defend repeatedly in subsequent posts. 
I'm out. There's no reaching this one.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'd like to push the reset button for a second.

If you want a chance to reconcile, you have to be honest with her. If you've been honest, but she is reading into things, i.e., misinterpreting them, this is your fault because she has no reason to believe what you tell her. You can offer a polygraph to see if that might help.

You sound miserable in your marriage, however, and I wonder why you would want to reconcile. Do you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ask her what she wants and whatever she says then you need to do it without complaining -- including divorce if that's what she wants. If she feels the marriage can be rebuilt then you have a very long, hard road ahead. It takes years to recover from infidelity and sometimes no matter how hard you try it doesn't work. Trust that's been broken often can't be rebuilt. Time will tell.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

thank you so much for the advice and support!!!!! i wil do that! as too the recent replys... i am sorry that you took offense at my concern about my wife understanding what really happened... how many times... who was involved....what happened......i thought it was important that she know the truth and not something else. i have said i screwed up big time! i am concerned about making this even worse for her! if you want to help Great! if you want to sit on your high horse and pass judgement and not help me ...go away!


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

i truly appreciate the possitive advive. thank you


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, so you want her to have the truth. That is a good impulse.

The problem is that she has no good reason to believe that you have admitted to everything. Infidelity does that to the betrayed spouse. It creates doubt and mistrust that is difficult to navigate.

Ask her what she wants. Some people actually don't want much detail (I am not in this camp).

Buy the book 'How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair' and follow its guidelines. Again, if you want to reconcile, it will take a lot of work and she gets to drive the train.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lonely123456 said:


> sorry i have been busy and unable to respond. lets see. i didnt say she was making it worse i said that the fact that she was misinturpreting things made things worse. my kids are 19 and 20 we have been married 24 years. i didnt thing exact numbers were important. we spent at least 10 years without doing anything together even going to the grocery store. i told her many times that i thought we should spend time together. that is when she said i am not your girlfriend, i rely on her to much and need to get my own life. she has said that i am contolling of her time and trying in imprison her. i am not blaming her. what i did was wrong but to not look at why i did what i did would seem not helpful.


Yes, you seem to have screwed up but again your focus is still on her and what she did not do for you.
You still have not indicated exactly what you have done to screw up, so the rest of what you are saying is really 'noise' to hide behind.
You sound as if you have been carrying around a lot of resentment against your wife, much of which may or may not be justified, (we do not know...yet). Resentment only destroys you.
The way you communicate, even here on this thread anonymously with complete strangers, suggests to me that you do have a problem with communication. If your wife was 'misinterpreting' information then it means you didn't plug that gap by honest, open communication and she had no choice but to fill in the missing gaps herself. Tbh that never ends well for any relationship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Ask her what she wants and whatever she says then you need to do it without complaining -- including divorce if that's what she wants. If she feels the marriage can be rebuilt then you have a very long, hard road ahead. It takes years to recover from infidelity and sometimes no matter how hard you try it doesn't work. Trust that's been broken often can't be rebuilt. Time will tell.


Lonely, you may be miserable but some of this is entirely of your own making

1. You have to stop being defensive and man up and really look at yourself critically, stop the blameshifting, stop the masquerading and be HONEST with yourself first of all. You found the going tough in your marriage and you took the weak way out and cheated instead of confronting the issue head-on.

2. You have an opportunity to stop the dishonesty (which is probably making you both miserable) and be a man and face up to the problem head on and deal with the consequences whichever way it goes.

3. Sit her down and come clean entirely, no blame shifting, no complaining, no minimizing or making excuses. Tell her the complete truth, you are now running from the truth and blaming her for misinterpreting what you did but that is because you are weak and not man enough to be honest.

4. You have to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. She also has to make the same decision, she may not want to once she knows the full extent of your cheating. But staying in a marriage built on lies will only result in it going south slowly but painfully, it is like a cancer. So do not consider excluding no 3.

5. If you both decide to work on it, then get support of counselors or therapists as it will be a long hard road, which you may or may not get through. That is the risk you have to take. If either of you decide it's over then do the decent thing and get a divorce.

6. Whatever happens, you can look at yourself as being a man at last of integrity, honesty and honor. 

However, I suspect you are willing to continue to be miserable and make her miserable because you are nowhere near being a man of honor and will do everything to hide your weaknesses from her and the world and cover your a** but that will be a road of more pain. Your wife, the mother of your kids has the right to know.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

A little proviso on what people are saying here.

My ex-wife was sadistic and cruel, using sex as a weapon to attack my self-esteem. I should not have had an affair. I should have divorced her.

So I corrected course: I divorced her. Boy is my life wonderful now! 

So don't take the advice against the affair to mean you have to grovel at your wife's feet to get her back - only to find yourself in the same bad situation or worse. 

I'm 59 and I have never had so much sex, Jesus it is unbelievable. Married ten years. They need to make clones of this girl so others can get some too.


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## Lonely123456 (Mar 17, 2018)

ok. i get it. every problem in my marriage is my fault. im a horrible person. its all i ever hear. im out


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lonely123456 said:


> ok. i get it. every problem in my marriage is my fault. im a horrible person. its all i ever hear. im out


Very mature, people here are calling it like they see it. Until now you have not even said what it is you are supposed to have done, if you handle issues in your marriage like this then it is plain to see why you are where you are. I'm surprised your wife is still around.

We are a bunch of anonymous strangers, if you cannot be straight with us, then you have no hope. I think your problem is you don't like yourself very much, you are currently blame shifting things onto your wife. Maybe she is not perfect, people seldom are but that is no excuse for cheating. If you could get your head out of your a*** for one second, and stick around maybe posters on here can actually help you. But be prepared for the 2X4's. People don't even know you so what have you got to lose?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Wow, Really? Critical VALUABLE advice and this is how you react? It is plain that has contributed to the problems you face.... 

Now good folks have taken time to give you their valuable information but also their patient time... Maybe you can try to respect that and reflect on it in your own quiet moments. 

Now when you have done that maybe YOU can allow people here to help you. Because contrary to belief no one is trying to make you miserable. Your own actions have done enough there.


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