# Just got out of an EA, on my own.



## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

This message will be probably briefer than it should be. I'd like to hash over all the events which lead me to where I am now but I just don't have the time. Privacy is limited where I am. maybe I can elaborate on later posts if needed.

First, let me say that I was one of those people who used to point fingers and ridicule other people for cheating on their spouses. I never had an idea what an EA was, before it happened, but I can tell you that from my standpoint it was actually scary how far it progressed in the little time it took to get started. 

I met a woman in an online game. Started off as friendly chatter here and there, not even all the time. I even told my wife about her when I first met her. But casual conversation turned to flirting, flirting turned into private convo's, private convo's spilled over from the game, to the cellphone to the phone. Nothing physical happened but the desire was there, the only thing that made that problematic at the time was the distance between us. She knew I was married from the start, we had a common friend in the game that is an RL friend of mine and lives nearby. He warned me, and her, that he thought our flirting and private conversations were wrong, but when you are in the midst of this thing ( i think i've seen people calling it the "fog") You either don't see anything wrong or you just don't care. For me, I kept thinking, "I'm a big boy. I can handle this. No big deal it's not like having a 'real' girlfriend." 

After about 3 months, I started to wake up. I started to take a look around me and understand that not only was this incredibly wrong but, i'm putting more than just my future at risk here. I need to stop this, NOW! 

So I tried, but an EA is a powerful thing to shake. I fell a lot, made excuses, changed my mind, until finally the guilt of what I was doing was just too much to take anymore and I found an opening and took my chance to "run way".

I know it wasn't right to leave the OW abandoned like that. But I think she probably had an idea of where this was headed anyway. 

It was a cowards victory, no doubt. I abandoned her to save my family, and myself in the long-run. 

I've read a lot on here before I actually signed up. I've read a lot on other self-help websites and such. I understand where I went wrong and why. I understand what I was lacking in my marriage and what I just 'accepted' to be normal about it. 

I haven't told my wife. It's been roughly a little over a month since I last communicated with the OW. She's sent out a few messages to me, but I haven't responded. 

I'm now focusing on dealing with the things that I'm unhappy with at home. I'm trying to make myself back into the man I used to be, but it's hard to figure out how to do that by myself. 

The one thing I'm having the toughest time with is not feeling like I've done "the right thing". Not feeling like I managed to turn something around at the point of disaster and saved something worth fighting for. Even if the one I have to fight is myself. 

Is there any advice anyone out there can give about how to deal with this aspect of things. 

I still feel like a lowlife. I still feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven. And most of all I still feel like I'm continuing to do something "wrong". 

How do you make amends for something when no one knows you did it in the first place?

Whatever advise anyone can give would be welcome. 

Thanks.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thank you for your post. It is refreshing to see some one take responsibility for their actions and try to make amends. I would look at the EA as a shot across the bow of your marriage. You recognized it, ended it and are now in a period of self reflection and recovery. You are doing nothing wrong in this, just paying for the error in guilt. It will pass. As you move away from the fog of the EA you will likely find that the problems in your marriage are jointly shared by your wife and yourself and will be better equipped to address them. Good luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You don't feel like you deserve to be forgiven because you haven't asked to be. There are only two people who can forgive you - you and your wife. I doubt seriously you'll be able to forgive yourself until your wife forgives you. Me - I had to tell my wife about my EA - there was no way I was strong enough to get out of it without having to be accountable to her, I never could have done it. So I applaud you for your strength to walk away on your own. IMO now you need to take a deep breath, find that strength again and tell your wife. Here's why I say that. First, she's entitled to know. If you love your wife you want her to respect you, have a good opinion of you and love you back. She can do none of those things honestly if she doesn't know this. She's entitled to the information and to her reaction whatever it may be. Second, you can't fix the things that are wrong with your marriage by yourself. Going into my EA I thought I was the most happily married guy on earth. I even spent a fair amount of time telling my AP how happy I was and how wonderful my wife is. It was only through the reconciliation process that my wife and I figured out that we were both missing something in our marriage. We had lost intimacy, the flirt, the excitement of being together. Neither of us realized it until I almost blew it all apart. Through reconciliation we reconnected, refocused on us and found that spark. Today we are better than we've ever been. IMO if you don't tell her your affair will be a wedge that you hold inside of you that puts distance between the two of you. 

Does telling her have risk - you bet. Will it hurt her - you bet. Will it embarrass you and hurt you - you bet. These things are just the price of cheating and you'll pretty much pay them one way or another. Either slowly by holding it inside or more quickly by telling your wife. Your wife may decide it's a deal breaker or she may decide to try to reconcile, either way at least you'll be living in the truth and not lies. 

If you do decide to tell her do the following. Tell her all of the truth, every bit of it the first time. No trickle truth, it will destroy your credibility and crush her. Be prepared to answer all of her questions gladly and willingly no matter how many times you've answered them before. Give her complete transparency into your life. Give her your passwords for email, social media, game sites, your phone - everything. That's just a list of high points. If you decided to tell her there's lots of help and support here on how and what to do to help her.

Good Luck.

I would also add that based solely on my experience in ending my EA there is some risk that at some point you will be tempted to reconnect with the OW. Maybe not if you've been a month of NC, but the fog has a way of rolling back in periodically for a while when you least expect it. Telling your wife will help you avoid this.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Also bear in mind that it isn't just guilt that you'll have to hold in...it's the fear that the OW (or her H if she's married) will expose it to your W first. OW out of spite or anger, OWH (if he exists) out of necessity to save his marriage. Then you will *really* have trust issues to fix. If you take this problem on headfirst and come clean, all the way, to your W, you have a much better chance of living a happy life with her than if you bottle it up and hope and pray every day that "today isn't the day she'll find out from someone other than me." That will make you look like more of a coward in her eyes...tread carefully, this won't be easy either way. You must tell your W if you love her.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Both Sigma and Sham are spot on. DO NOT WAIT.

I suggest that you make time for you two for what will sure to be one of the most intense things the two of you have ever done. Be prepared with boxes of kleenex around (along with a trash can), bottles of water, etc. Try to make the room comfortable for both of you. Make sure there are no distractions, kids out of the house, etc.

I suggest starting out with a truly heartfelt admission of the love you have for your wife leading into something along the lines of "and that is why I feel I need to tell you that I need you to know..."

Your role: Remorseful spouse. You have betrayed your spouse. Her trust in you will be gone, and you MUST do everything she requests to regain it. She will never forget, but over time, can forgive. Be prepared for triggers. Any little thing can set her off. If reconciliation is in your future, let her know that if these triggers pop up, that she CAN come to you with them, you will not (under any circumstances) make her feel bad for having them, no matter how much you feel like "can't we drop this already?" Remember, you have a month head start on her in dealing with this.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You were playing WOW weren't you? Don't worry I was a 5 year addict to WOW. And yes, guys flocked to the girls in WOW like white on rice.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

So, no votes for "just keep your mouth shut and count yourself lucky. huh?"

(I'm kidding. Even though I know there is nothing funny about this)


I guess in my heart I know I have to tell her. Since the day I broke off contact with the OW, I've been pushing so hard to make things different around my home. I'm guessing the best chance I had for tell her was back then. 

The OW finding some way to try and sabotage things has always been a terrible fear of mine. Keeps me up at night, even more so since I read what you guys suggested yesterday. 

I know that if things are ever going to be "right" again I am going to need her help. but when I look at her, and I think about how painful it's going to be to tell her what I did, something in me says, "yeah, you just thought you were a big boy. Not ready for that kind of devastation are you? Probably something you should have considered before you decided this might be fun."

So I understand what you mean about needing to tell her. 

Hijo started to offer a perspective on where to start or at least how. If I sound like I'm asking for a script here, I probably am. I have turned this idea over and over in my head since way before I broke off the EA. I was actually like Sigma for a little bit towards the end. I thought I would need her to know to be able to get out of it. I don't know what happened on the day I decided to "retreat" from the mess I was making and I don't question it anymore. 

I ended the worst part.

My only regret is leaving the OW the way I did. Because as crazy as I know it sounds, I felt I had a duty to at least attempt to tell her goodbye. But that will just be one other thing I will have to live with. I've disabled all my ability to communicate with her. She's attempted to deliver a "just wanted to say, hello" message a few times through our mutual friend from the game. And I've pretty much ignored those. Message received, not return message.

Funny how you can be so bold as to allow yourself to fall in love with the idea of being with someone else. And once it's time to deal with the situation you have created, suddenly courage is no where to be found. 

lack of courage lead me to where I am now. So it appears until I find it, i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

thanks for all the advice everyone.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

StGeorge said:


> So, no votes for "just keep your mouth shut and count yourself lucky. huh?"
> 
> (I'm kidding. Even though I know there is nothing funny about this)


You don't get off that easy buddy. 



StGeorge said:


> I guess in my heart I know I have to tell her. Since the day I broke off contact with the OW, I've been pushing so hard to make things different around my home. I'm guessing the best chance I had for tell her was back then.


It is not too late. The longer you wait though, the harder it will be for your wife to accept and want reconciliation (true reconciliation, not "I have no idea there was a problem, so there wasn't one" reconciliation).



StGeorge said:


> The OW finding some way to try and sabotage things has always been a terrible fear of mine. Keeps me up at night, even more so since I read what you guys suggested yesterday.


People can be vindictive *******s. Don't underestimate them. EVER. (They can also be really cool, so don't reject that if you see it happen).



StGeorge said:


> I know that if things are ever going to be "right" again I am going to need her help. but when I look at her, and I think about how painful it's going to be to tell her what I did, something in me says, "yeah, you just thought you were a big boy. Not ready for that kind of devastation are you? Probably something you should have considered before you decided this might be fun."
> 
> So I understand what you mean about needing to tell her.


This is your cross to bear, and if you are remorseful from your heart, and wholly committed to fixing your life, then you MUST bear it, regardless of the fallout. You think you are sparing her feelings, while that may be true in the short term, can you imagine what would happen if she found out (via any method) that it happened and you didn't tell her? It would be SO MUCH HARDER to recover from that than if you came clean wouldn't it?



StGeorge said:


> Hijo started to offer a perspective on where to start or at least how. If I sound like I'm asking for a script here, I probably am. I have turned this idea over and over in my head since way before I broke off the EA. I was actually like Sigma for a little bit towards the end. I thought I would need her to know to be able to get out of it. I don't know what happened on the day I decided to "retreat" from the mess I was making and I don't question it anymore.
> 
> I ended the worst part.


There are a plethora of web resources available. Google "How to end an Emotional Affair" (with quotes) and you will find a few. Be sure to read up on how an EA is defined so you are clear and can communicate this to your wife if she is unfamiliar with the archetypes of an "affair" (yeah, I had no clue either, all I knew was "I have been betrayed and rocked to my core").

Pretty much all of them agree that you should come clean as soon as possible, fully end contact (in a verifiable way to your spouse, usually via a No Contact letter), and be truely remorseful, giving your spouse all the details, not sparing any via trickle-truth. The point is to make it a quick removal of a bandage, fast pain, rather than a lingering rip-rip-rip of the soul.

You will need 2 written things when you sit your wife down:
- a sheet of paper with ALL of your passwords/logins for phones, email, WoW (Yes, she may in fact go in and nuke your toons. Don't worry, Bliz can recover them. Just mention "I'd like your justified-spousal-anger recovery service please")
- a drafted no contact letter (an in game email might work here if that is the only method in which you are able to contact)

Give the sheet of paper to her before you start your conversation. Save the NC letter for the end of your conversation. 

MAKE SURE YOU REMAIN CALM DURING YOUR CONVERSATION. MAKE SURE THE ONLY EMOTIONS YOU SHARE WITH YOUR WIFE ARE LOVE FOR HER AND REMORSE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. Don't raise your voice to her, regardless of accusations (which might be true or might not be). She will be livid with anger. Let her have that. Let her get it out. Have the Kleenex's handy.

You might try and write out what you want to say a few times so that it is in your head and you can get it out completely. Try and make the conversation interactive so that you make sure that she has no questions (demands) during the conversation about what happened. Learn the "I'm sorry to the essence of my being" phrase. MEAN IT.

Once the conversation has turned to "next steps" (don't worry, it eventually will), offer reconciliation to the table with a "I want to make things right with us. I have written this, and I would like for you to be the one to {email/click send/snail mail} it." and give her the NC letter. This will provide her with a little bit of closure, but do not mention this to her. Not much, but it does help. Ensure your NC letter is short, *non-apologetic to the OW for ending it* (your wife will see this as you trying to spare that b!tch's feelings, not something conducive to reconciliation), and to the point.

"I am committed to my marriage, and I have informed my wife of our emotional affair and am hereby notifying you that I no longer wish contact with you in any form."

This disarms the OW from seeking a "I'm going to tell his wife and screw his world up" vengeance (she might still, but unlikely given your wife already knows) and tells her clearly that you are done.

You must MUST stop contact. (I realize that I have my own issues with this particular point). This means if you see her avatar in game, you go the other way and do not respond to her. I would strongly consider switching servers. If your wife is not involved in WoW, you might consider cutting down your playtime. She will ALWAYS be suspicious when you are online. Think about being in her shoes.



StGeorge said:


> My only regret is leaving the OW the way I did. Because as crazy as I know it sounds, I felt I had a duty to at least attempt to tell her goodbye. But that will just be one other thing I will have to live with. I've disabled all my ability to communicate with her. She's attempted to deliver a "just wanted to say, hello" message a few times through our mutual friend from the game. And I've pretty much ignored those. Message received, not return message


You still have one contact left. And that is the no contact missive. There is your closure. Remember she has almost destroyed your marriage (with your help). *Neither of you* deserve to alleviate regrets and say nice goodbyes. From here on out, your business of the day is your marriage, not some tart who has no regard for who gets hurt.



StGeorge said:


> Funny how you can be so bold as to allow yourself to fall in love with the idea of being with someone else. And once it's time to deal with the situation you have created, suddenly courage is no where to be found.
> 
> lack of courage lead me to where I am now. So it appears until I find it, i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.
> 
> thanks for all the advice everyone.


Your courage should come from your family. Your courage should come from your love for your wife.

If you are not finding that courage, why are you here?

Good luck. I wish my wife had taken the path I am hoping you do.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

StGeorge - Hijo has given you very good advice above. In my experience the best way to give someone bad news is to simply just lay it out there. I think when I told my wife it was something to the effect of, "do you remember that friend request I got a couple of months ago and said I wonder if that's ****? It was and I've basically had an affair with her. I haven't touched her or even laid eyes on her but I've been involved with her emotionally way past what I should have been." I don't really remember exactly - it's a real blur now. I would say generally the more direct, to the point and fewer words the better. Anything said other than exactly what you're confessing to is normally just justification and trying to make yourself feel better anyway, as such it only clouds the message and confuses your thinking. This is literally throwing yourself at her mercy, the best way to do that is as straight forward as possible. Hijo is right that you need to be prepared not to react to her with anything other than I'm sorry and I love you's. She is going to fly off the handle, you have to just sit there and take it. There is no defending yourself - none. She has to get the shock and pain out of her and you have to be the recipient of it. Think of it as part of the stupid tax you have to pay for cheating. I'll tell you for me, the absolute worst was seeing my wife literally falling apart emotionally, knowing I was the one who put her there and standing there being afraid to even touch her. I've always been there for my wife, through some pretty rough stuff; and there I was the cause of her pain and unable to help her. It really killed me and I'll never forget it. Be ready. You'll never find the "right time," it just won't happen. You are just going to have to pick a time and place when you know you will both be together, alone, sober, and have as much time as necessary to talk it out. Fortunately I didn't have to pick my time it was pretty much flung upon me at 8:30 one week night. We didn't go to bed until about 2:00am. 

Regarding your regret towards your OW and feeling you had a duty to tell her goodbye. I get this - I really do. You may get some grief for saying it out loud here but I understand it because I did it to. The thing is - it's B.S. It's ultimately about you, not the O.W. I felt an overwhelming need to have a "good goodbye" with the O.W. She took the sudden end of our EA very hard and I felt I had an obligation to glue her back together and "leave her as good as I found her," and I tried to do just that with my wife's consent. This is a very long story so I'll just cut to the end. In the end I did get closure for me but I never did get that good goodbye. Everything I did "for her" was really just for me. I could never have seen that from the other side and I owe my wife a tremendous debt for letting me try, but if I had to do it over again I wouldn't do it. I would have healed anyway, it didn't accomplish anything for the OW and it caused my wife a lot of pain. Just let it go, there is no salvation in goodbye with your AP.

Best of luck to you.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

StGeorge said:


> So, no votes for "just keep your mouth shut and count yourself lucky. huh?"
> 
> (I'm kidding. Even though I know there is nothing funny about this)
> 
> ...


You have nothing to feel bad about with regard to the OW. She deserves nothing, and you owe her nothing. At this point she has gotten the message that it is over, now you need to tell your wife. Tell her everything, and don't try to hold anything back or make light of it. The damage can be mitigated if you do all of this. My H did not. He did not tell me until I discovered it on my own. Then he lied about the extent and duration. He tried to tell me about what a "poor confused" person the OP was. I detest this woman with every fiber of my being. She knew he was married; she intruded into my marriage; and she took from me what she had no right to. She knew exactly what she was doing. Any word in defense of the OW to your wife will back fire. Your wife will likely find out on her own, if you don't tell her, and the damage will be far greater, than if you do. Not telling her leaves you open to continue the relationship with the OW too, and it will appear to your wife that you wanted to preserve that option if you don't tell her on your own. The damage to my marriage could have been less devastating if my H had been honest with me, now I am not sure we will survive.This is not an easy course of action, it takes courage, but if she finds out before you tell her, you will wish you had not passed up the opportunity to initiate, and recovery with be longer and more complicated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> StGeorge - Hijo has given you very good advice above. In my experience the best way to give someone bad news is to simply just lay it out there. .



I agree. Rip it off like a bandaid. Answer any and all questions on the matter. DO NOT lie about anything further. It will make things 20x worse. End ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN STAT! If you want your marriage, you do not get to revisit her at all at any piont in time through ANY sort of communication.

And I agree with the others -- if your wife finds out from anyone but you, especially from the OW, it's going to be one thousand times worse. I can promise you that. The truth has a way of revealing itself at the most inconvenient time...


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

OK, thank you all for your advise so far. It is greatly appreciated and welcomed. 

I have to say you are all doing wonders for my diet. I haven't eaten (maybe a handful of food) since typing my initial post yesterday and reading everything today. 

During the middle to last part of my EA I lost 25 lbs from not being able to eat very much. I can honestly say I don't know how some people I have read about are able to have these things for years, I honestly believe it would have killed me. 

I agree with all of you, I absolutely have to tell me wife about this. And I know it's not going to be easy and that I am going to fight it every step of the way. But it needs to happen. So I have some questions that I'd like you to answer to sort of point me in the right direction about how to do this. 

I've never done this before, and i never plan on having to do it again. But I feel (and I have no idea if I am right or wrong) that I only have one shot to get this right the first time. How I word things and my approach are going to be the key on whether or not she accepts my apology and decides to work with me to bring our marriage forward as a stronger entity OR whether she decides that I am just trying to "save face" by telling her what happened so that I can somehow play the victim. My ultimate goal here is avoid appearing that this wasn't my fault. I know it was, whatever circumstances lead me away I chose to follow them. I had the free will to resist and instead chose the easy path. All of those things I get, and completely understand. 

So I'd like to ask about some things and I know you will give me a truthful answer because that seems to be what's happened so far:

1) should I attempt to explain how the EA got started? At this point I am not really sure when it did. As I said in my OP, it was scary how far this progressed in such a short space of time. It seemed to be as if one day the casual conversation was taking place, the next i was in the middle of it all. I know there were points, a few at least, where I should have realized I was taking it too far and gotten out of there.

2) should I explain at what point I realized something was wrong and what I did to get out? Or is that something she would want or even ask to know about? I might need some of the women who have been on her side to tell me about this one?

3) should I attempt to explain the feelings I had through the EA? Does she want to know how I was feeling? Some of the emotions that the OW expressed to me that made me feel certain ways? I mean is that really helpful for her? Does it do her any good to know that the OW made me feel attractive, wanted, needed, appreciated, etc? Or is that pointing fingers at her? I feel wanted and needed and sometimes appreciated by my wife, but the feelings behind those words are so much different coming from her than they were coming from the OW.

4) should I attempt to tell her that a PA was something the OW and I often talked about wanting but because of our distance were never able to figure out how to accomplish? I know from what I have read here and other places that an EA is more harsh that a PA in some instances. Should I indicate that a PA never happened and leave it at that? 

We (my wife and kids and I) are going on an extended weekend beginning tomorrow. We'll be out of town staying with family. So I will have some time to truly reflect on how I am going to approach this. 

My wife mentioned to me, about a week after I ended the EA the following:

"it's like I lost you, and I don't know where you went."

I answered her, (truthfully) "Baby, I'm sorry you feel like that. You haven't lost me, I'm right here and I plan on being here for a long time." (Presumptuous I know, but I mean/meant it. She did lose me for a time so I guess in a manner of speaking I made her feel nothing was wrong)

To which she answered by holding my hand and kissing me on the cheek, "Good because I don't know what I'd do without you." (If that wasn't a punch to the gut I don't know what is.)


That phrase keeps coming back to me over and over again today. Is that someplace I should start this conversation?

Should I literally say, "You remember when you said you felt like you lost me? Let me tell you what happened:" And start spilling my guts from there.

You all have been a lot of help so far. 

Let me clarify for everyone who may be reading this to this point: *I AM NO LONGER IN THE ONLINE GAME.* Nor do i have any concern for it. OR FOR ANY ONLINE GAME FROM NOW ON. I recognize it allowed me to have an outlet for what happened and made the EA possible in the first place. I know people have them without online games, but looking back I can honestly say I had no desire to move in that direction before I let time on the computer take over time I should have been spending with my family. It was part of the rift that I let develop, It's over there as far as I'm concerned. I may have confused some people when I said she tried to send me messages via our mutual friend in the game. Our mutual friend is an RL friend of mine and lives in the same city as I do. He sent me a text saying he saw her (in game) and she said to say hello. And I'll recap my answer by saying, I did not, nor do I have any plans to respond or tell him to answer her for me. I understand that NC must be maintained if I am ever going to make this work. The OW and I were often seen "together" most of the time in-game. So, I'd rather not ask my RL friend to stop ferrying messages to me because that would clue him in to what is happening. I think enough people have been involved in our business already. I think he would only press me as to why. (This is the same person who tried to warn me (and her) to stay away from each other in the first place.)

As always, I appreciate the advise. Hopefully by next week I'll have a plan for getting this started.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

State the facts clearly, never blame her, keep it simple and explain it is your hope to work through this and you will do such and such to atone and then wait for her to ask questions, though I doubt you'll get that far before she does
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't want to know. If I didn't suspect it, we had no problems, and my husband did this and stopped it on his own, I wouldn't want to know. Why cause drama when things are already stopped?

The OW contacting the wife is not a big deal. People are crazy, you can't control them. At that point, the OW (if she does say anything which she probably won't) tells the wife, the husband says, "Yea, we talked a lot on the game and it started getting kinda out of hand, so I called it off" would be enough for me. 

I don't know...that's just how I think. This wasn't a physical affair, the OP STOPPED the behavior because he KNEW it was wrong-- not because he got caught. The guilt is something he has to live with until it goes away with time. Why burden the wife with that crap? I guess I'm odd woman out, but I wouldn't want to know.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

StGeorge said:


> I've never done this before, and i never plan on having to do it again. But I feel (and I have no idea if I am right or wrong) that I only have one shot to get this right the first time. How I word things and my approach are going to be the key on whether or not she accepts my apology and decides to work with me to bring our marriage forward as a stronger entity OR whether she decides that I am just trying to "save face" by telling her what happened so that I can somehow play the victim. My ultimate goal here is avoid appearing that this wasn't my fault. I know it was, whatever circumstances lead me away I chose to follow them. I had the free will to resist and instead chose the easy path. All of those things I get, and completely understand.


On this your right about it's a one shot deal and then again you're not. It is your only shot to tell her ALL of the truth and this is a big deal. Anything she finds out or you confess to after this moment will set her back hugely. So yes this part is one shot only. The rest of it, well you are both going to be a mess, you're not going to get everything right. It's as much about what you do and how you act as it is about what you say. For the next several months your actions will speak much louder than your words. So what you "say" other than being sure everything you say is the truth and that you say all of the truth is a little more forgiving. This is all about your remorse and showing it to her.




StGeorge said:


> 1) should I attempt to explain how the EA got started? At this point I am not really sure when it did. As I said in my OP, it was scary how far this progressed in such a short space of time. It seemed to be as if one day the casual conversation was taking place, the next i was in the middle of it all. I know there were points, a few at least, where I should have realized I was taking it too far and gotten out of there.
> 
> 2) should I explain at what point I realized something was wrong and what I did to get out? Or is that something she would want or even ask to know about? I might need some of the women who have been on her side to tell me about this one?
> 
> ...


All of this is pretty much up to your wife. If she wants to know tell her, if she doesn't don't. Do not minimize or down play what you did in any way, but to give her details that she doesn't want and doesn't have to have to fully comprehend the nature of your affair just brutalizes her. 




StGeorge said:


> My wife mentioned to me, about a week after I ended the EA the following:
> 
> "it's like I lost you, and I don't know where you went."
> 
> ...


That's not an all bad place to start. It will likely take what may be a happy memory for her and crush it, but some of that is inevitable, which leads me to my last point.

Remember this. The longer you wait the longer she will look back and believe that the marriage she thought she had was a lie. If you tell her after this extended weekend, the memory of this weekend will forever be a bad one. The timing may just be what it is, but be aware that every memory, especially ones happening right now, will forever be stained for her after you tell her. The longer you wait the more memories she will have that are ruined post D Day.

Glad to know I'm not the only one that couldn't sleep during an EA. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown - it was literally killing me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You took the step in the right direction. Your W deserves to know the truth, but don't just blurt it out, plan how you will communicate this. She will be hurt, but atleast learning about this from you will show you your honesty and earn you a little respect. She will likely be relieved that this didn't turn into something physical, however it may take her a long time to process this and find her resolve, so just continue being honest and faithful to your marriage.

As to:



> I know it wasn't right to leave the OW abandoned like that. But I think she probably had an idea of where this was headed anyway.
> 
> It was a cowards victory, no doubt. I abandoned her to save my family, and myself in the long-run.


You owe this OW (if it really is a woman) nothing. If anything it wasn't right to engage her in the first place, but what is done is done, you and your marriage are better off with a swift cut. Don't call it cowardly, because it wasn't it was just what you had to do, and also because you need not have any regret or duty to go back and make any reparations to her.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I wouldn't want to know. If I didn't suspect it, we had no problems, and my husband did this and stopped it on his own, I wouldn't want to know. Why cause drama when things are already stopped?
> 
> The OW contacting the wife is not a big deal. People are crazy, you can't control them. At that point, the OW (if she does say anything which she probably won't) tells the wife, the husband says, "Yea, we talked a lot on the game and it started getting kinda out of hand, so I called it off" would be enough for me.
> 
> I don't know...that's just how I think. This wasn't a physical affair, the OP STOPPED the behavior because he KNEW it was wrong-- not because he got caught. The guilt is something he has to live with until it goes away with time. Why burden the wife with that crap? I guess I'm odd woman out, but I wouldn't want to know.


Perhps his wife would prefer not to know the truth, but by keeping it from her he would never be able to achieve true intimacy and honesty with his wife. Basically he'd feel he was living a life he didn't deserve and that would set him up to fail his wife again.

My H cheated on me 10 years ago and never told me. It was only a PA (no intercourse), but he carried the guilt for years. When the recent OW made her move, he thought "Why not, I'm already a ****ty husband" but this time it was more EA than PA. I'm telling you, the EA hurts much much more. It detroys the belief that your husband thinks you're the only person he could ever love, that you're special, and he only has feelings for you. Sex is only a physical act, but opening yourself up emotionally to another is a betrayal beyond I ever imagined.

Telling your wife is the right thing StGeorge, she may not want to know the truth, but it's reality. Pretending it never happened cheats you both out of having a deeper more fulfilling marriage.

I'd also suggest marriage counseling to help you both understand why you were susceptible to an EA. Plus it'd be an unbiased third party in helping to navigate the road to recovery.

Be proud you've come this far and that you plan on doing what needs to be done.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

Glad to know I'm not the only one that couldn't sleep during an EA. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown - it was literally killing me.[/QUOTE said:


> I've often thought since the last day of my EA, that if we could just make prisoners go through the beginning, middle and end of an EA - There would be no more need for the death penalty.
> 
> (Maybe I'm kidding again where I shouldn't be, but sometimes finding some humor in things helps me deal with it. In the space of a 4 month period I've gone from thinking I had it all, to realizing I was ruining it all, to letting go of a ticking time bomb, to trying to make some sense of what it is I "Thought" I was, to understanding what I have become, to trying desperately to hold on to what I don't want to lose, to understanding that what I don't want to lose is a fragile as glass, to knowing that I am going to have to bounce it off the sidewalk and see if it breaks. And if by some miracle of life it doesn't, will I be able to never drop it again?)
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are not a monster or a bad person. Your kids SHOULD idolize you because even in a big mistake, you pulled yourself out of it, stopped it and are learning from it. That is a good lesson for kids. You're a good man. Don't demonize yourself.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

That Girl is right, you're showing an excellent example of being human. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. The world doesn't end if we make bad decisions. Most important, you're still a good person.

Depending on the ages of your children and your wife's reaction to the truth, you can choose to keep information from your kids at this time. My kids don't know anything except that we're in marriage counseling. We explained that sometimes people go to doctors to stay healthy and sometimes marriages need a doctor to stay healthy too. 

My husband is not looking forward to the day the kids ask questions. D-day happened with my kids nearby, so it's possible they'll ask questions someday. I think my oldest daughter has suspicions, but she's never asked. We won't lie, but will try to be gentle with the truth. "Daddy hurt Mommy's feelings and now we're working to make it better" may be all a child needs to know. If they want more information, they'll ask.

It's possible, in time, your wife could be the one to help support you the most through your feelings of guilt. Good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I still think he shouldn't tell and just learn his lesson.

It will cause a crap load of unnecessary drama that will never go away.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I still think he shouldn't tell and just learn his lesson.
> 
> It will cause a crap load of unnecessary drama that will never go away.




I see your point, but that wouldn't help him get over his feelings of guilt. The feeling of guilt doesn't go away on it's own and can slowly erode his self-worth, confidence, and integrity.

Also, StGeorge seems like he was very emotionally attached to the OW. Sometime late at night and all alone, he could miss that "boost" so much he'd attempt contact. It could be a moment of weakness laced with good intentions of "closure", but it could fuel the EA again. By telling his wife, he'll be much more resolved to stay away and be held accountable for all his actions. My H had several moments after d-day where he thought about breaking contact "for clorsure". But because I knew, he resisted then told me about his thoughts. Each time he needed me to remind him that contact could lead to more contact and not to be attempted. He respected my wishes, but being accountable to me made a huge difference in ending the affair.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

StGeorge said:


> OK, thank you all for your advise so far. It is greatly appreciated and welcomed.
> 
> I have to say you are all doing wonders for my diet. I haven't eaten (maybe a handful of food) since typing my initial post yesterday and reading everything today.
> 
> During the middle to last part of my EA I lost 25 lbs from not being able to eat very much. I can honestly say I don't know how some people I have read about are able to have these things for years, I honestly believe it would have killed me.


Are you sure you aren't me? January to July: total that I lost - 15lbs. July - August: 35lbs. Sept (so far): 10lbs.

Seriously, this is like the best (worst) diet ever. You just don't feel like eating anything. On top of that, as a BS, I've turned to improving my self image through workouts and the fat is evaporating. FAST.

Just today, I gained another belt notch (on a month-old, smaller belt).



StGeorge said:


> I agree with all of you, I absolutely have to tell me wife about this. And I know it's not going to be easy and that I am going to fight it every step of the way. But it needs to happen. So I have some questions that I'd like you to answer to sort of point me in the right direction about how to do this.
> 
> I've never done this before, and i never plan on having to do it again. But I feel (and I have no idea if I am right or wrong) that I only have one shot to get this right the first time. How I word things and my approach are going to be the key on whether or not she accepts my apology and decides to work with me to bring our marriage forward as a stronger entity OR whether she decides that I am just trying to "save face" by telling her what happened so that I can somehow play the victim. My ultimate goal here is avoid appearing that this wasn't my fault. I know it was, whatever circumstances lead me away I chose to follow them. I had the free will to resist and instead chose the easy path. All of those things I get, and completely understand.


I wish your actions were my wife's... 



StGeorge said:


> We (my wife and kids and I) are going on an extended weekend beginning tomorrow. We'll be out of town staying with family. So I will have some time to truly reflect on how I am going to approach this.
> 
> My wife mentioned to me, about a week after I ended the EA the following:
> 
> ...


Your gut is telling you it is exactly how you should do it. Listen to your gut in this case. Set the room up (no distractions, plenty of time to talk, refreshments readily available (this will be draining), and kleenex!) and start with saying that you love and are committed to your wife and start out with that exact phrase. She will get the deer-in-headlights look, but plow on regardless. Give her plenty of room to ask questions. Even let her know if she has questions at any time during your explanation, you will tell her anything she wishes to know in the interest of divulging the whole story and moving into moving past this mistake.



StGeorge said:


> So I'd like to ask about some things and I know you will give me a truthful answer because that seems to be what's happened so far:
> 
> 1) should I attempt to explain how the EA got started? At this point I am not really sure when it did. As I said in my OP, it was scary how far this progressed in such a short space of time. It seemed to be as if one day the casual conversation was taking place, the next i was in the middle of it all. I know there were points, a few at least, where I should have realized I was taking it too far and gotten out of there.


Unless she asks you for specific details on what the progress of the stranger>friend>flirt>affair is, I would just say something like "a friendship progressed past a line that I should have never allowed it to cross."



StGeorge said:


> 2) should I explain at what point I realized something was wrong and what I did to get out? Or is that something she would want or even ask to know about? I might need some of the women who have been on her side to tell me about this one?


Again, unless she asks for details, then gloss over this too, but emphasize that you came to your senses and have been in turmoil emotionally with what you have allowed to take place every since.



StGeorge said:


> 3) should I attempt to explain the feelings I had through the EA? Does she want to know how I was feeling? Some of the emotions that the OW expressed to me that made me feel certain ways? I mean is that really helpful for her? Does it do her any good to know that the OW made me feel attractive, wanted, needed, appreciated, etc? Or is that pointing fingers at her? I feel wanted and needed and sometimes appreciated by my wife, but the feelings behind those words are so much different coming from her than they were coming from the OW.


Even if your wife asks for these specific details, knowing this at this point (DDAY for her) is not in her best intrest IMO. This is better left for time after you have decided on reconciliation as your go-forward (I hope that is what she wants!). Once you are on that path, you can bring it up as a method to help build your marriage back up. Again, no accusatory tones! Broach it as a "I would love if we could get to a place of strength in our relationship where this can never occur for me again, and this is what I think would help..." Explain to her your perception of her feelings. She isn't a mind reader. To her everything might be just unicorns and rainbows in that department. She won't know to give you more if she doesn't know you want more.



StGeorge said:


> 4) should I attempt to tell her that a PA was something the OW and I often talked about wanting but because of our distance were never able to figure out how to accomplish? I know from what I have read here and other places that an EA is more harsh that a PA in some instances. Should I indicate that a PA never happened and leave it at that?


She might ask if that was ever a consideration. If so, I would tell her the truth, otherwise it might be an unnecessary bullet through her heart to know. I would just mention that "yes, it was discussed, but the logistics and my emotional confusion thankfully made it impossible" (not a lie since at first it was logistics, then once you came to your senses, it was your emotions).

If she asks you for any chat logs or IM logs or FB messages, you MUST provide them to her if at all possible. She may find out that you discussed it anyway. You must be the one to volunteer this information rather than her discovering it.



StGeorge said:


> You all have been a lot of help so far.


To be honest, I am only doing so because I see in you what I want to see in my wife. These are all the things I want her to do to help me through my own experience. I think most of the other posters (non-trolls) in this forum are coming from a similar position.



StGeorge said:


> Let me clarify for everyone who may be reading this to this point: *I AM NO LONGER IN THE ONLINE GAME.* Nor do i have any concern for it. OR FOR ANY ONLINE GAME FROM NOW ON. I recognize it allowed me to have an outlet for what happened and made the EA possible in the first place. I know people have them without online games, but looking back I can honestly say I had no desire to move in that direction before I let time on the computer take over time I should have been spending with my family. It was part of the rift that I let develop, It's over there as far as I'm concerned. I may have confused some people when I said she tried to send me messages via our mutual friend in the game. Our mutual friend is an RL friend of mine and lives in the same city as I do. He sent me a text saying he saw her (in game) and she said to say hello. And I'll recap my answer by saying, I did not, nor do I have any plans to respond or tell him to answer her for me. I understand that NC must be maintained if I am ever going to make this work. The OW and I were often seen "together" most of the time in-game. So, I'd rather not ask my RL friend to stop ferrying messages to me because that would clue him in to what is happening. I think enough people have been involved in our business already. I think he would only press me as to why. (This is the same person who tried to warn me (and her) to stay away from each other in the first place.)


OK, here is where I get all tough-love on you brother. I'm sorry, and some may disagree with me here. I think your friend is coming from a place of genuine interest in your well being. I think you should tell him what has happened and ask for his assistance in helping you to remain NC for the sake of your marriage.

Yes, he will feed on your drama. No biggie. Let him. If he spreads it far and wide, so be it. You deserve the shame. You f'd up. OWN IT.

Don't let him in on it until you have given your wife her DDAY though. No sense in her learning about it from some other method (even as remote a possibility as that may be).

I too was an online game addict. I stopped cold back in December and have since maintained. My YEARS of addiction I believe is firmly to blame for giving my wife what was justification in her eyes to do what she did. So yeah, in a way I brought on my own misery. I own that. That doesn't change the fact that SHE f'd up and needs to own that too.



StGeorge said:


> As always, I appreciate the advise. Hopefully by next week I'll have a plan for getting this started.


Ensure you maintain a high level of affection towards your wife from now, until, during, AND AFTER you give her DDAY to her. Think of it not as "I am having to put my wife through this". Think of it more as "I am allowing her to regain a trust in me she didn't know she lost." It is a GIFT, not a CURSE, even though it might look like one in the beginning.

Keep us updated! Best of luck to you.


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## tjd (Oct 9, 2011)

Tell your wife everything about it. It is the only way to move forward.


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