# Is it really that simple?



## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

:scratchhead:

In the past six weeks I:

- Joined a gym
- Gone out with buds more often
- Actively created more quality time with the little ones
- Given more positive attention to my wife
- Worked better toward my communication to her
- Ask of her the same
- Disciplined myself more to being the best dad I can be
- Became aware of the sh!t tests and how to handle them
- Started being more "naughty / aggressive" in the bedroom (pushing things a little more, and get this....asking / requesting)

The list can go on a little further, but I can't believe what just happened to me today...I went out with a bud last night while my W stayed home with the kids. She knew I'd be home late, but this morning when I put my arm around her waist and talked about my night, she told me, paraphrasing here, "it's too bad you're going to the gym I want to give you sex. Tomorrow for sure, is it a date?" And it's only been 2 days!!! 

Floored, I was absolutely floored :smthumbup:

Damn, it really works...but of course it does. How had I been so stupid?

Sidenote: about 4 months earlier, I did tell her that I'd not tolerate a sexless marriage.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The Red Pill is a bitter painful experience.

Only slightly less painfull than living under the Blue Pill.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

That was a huge point for me, as well I basically said the same thing to my LD wife and (along with other factors) things have been 1,000 times better since. 

Once the LD spouse admits (even to themselves) that a problem exists - and they want to do something about it - then improvements can begin. 

I have been on Cloud 9 since our spark and I can see that my wife's self -esteem has picked up. It is contagious.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Did you give her sex before going to the gym?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

No, it's not all that easy. There are going to be tough times ahead. 

And we humans are prone to backsliding when things get easier.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think I see where you’re at, it sounds like you’re making yourself more attractive. Not look in the mirror attractive, but masculine attractive.


I think if you can handle the shet tests with humour (make her laugh) and a wry knowing smile that says “I know what you’re at” is the best way to go. Letting the shet tests get inside of you, through your boundaries is to be avoided at all costs.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Did you give her sex before going to the gym?


Nope. We had both kids on our lap.
But the date went well.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> ...Letting the shet tests get inside of you, through your boundaries is to be avoided at all costs.


Exactly...


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> That was a huge point for me, as well I basically said the same thing to my LD wife and (along with other factors) things have been 1,000 times better since.
> 
> Once the LD spouse admits (even to themselves) that a problem exists - and they want to do something about it - then improvements can begin.
> 
> I have been on Cloud 9 since our spark and I can see that my wife's self -esteem has picked up. It is contagious.


Do you think that will work in reverse? I don't think it is the same when the man is the LDer. For one thing, I give him attention, pats on the bum when he's around, arms around waist in the kitchen, thank-yous when he thinks to take out the garbage, ask how his way went, and so on. He tends to pull away, or get impatient that I ask him questions. I am trying to connect and it seems like all he can do is push away both literally and metaphorically. 

Tonight for example, I sent him an email link to a porn site that I found last night and liked (he works away three weeks on and three weeks off). Tonight, he called and didn't even mention it. Finally, I asked, "Did you get my email". Ya. "Well? have you seen it?" No. "Are you interested in what it is?" Well it says big tits. "Well, doesn't that pique your interest?" Well ya, but lots of my friends email me stuff that say things like and they haven't even sent it. It's usually spam. "Uh, ok. But this is from me. Don't you think you could ask?" 

ugh. Like pulling teeth. Oh, and btw, I never watched porn until I tried to engage him because I knew he did. Trying here folks! And rapidly losing interest and energy. 

So the question is, how do you engage a LD, seemingly uninterested, man that claims to love you?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes it is that simple. Once you have decided, _it's that simple_.
Congratulations on your discovery.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> Do you think that will work in reverse? I don't think it is the same when the man is the LDer. For one thing, I give him attention, pats on the bum when he's around, arms around waist in the kitchen, thank-yous when he thinks to take out the garbage, ask how his way went, and so on. He tends to pull away, or get impatient that I ask him questions. I am trying to connect and it seems like all he can do is push away both literally and metaphorically.
> 
> Tonight for example, I sent him an email link to a porn site that I found last night and liked (he works away three weeks on and three weeks off). Tonight, he called and didn't even mention it. Finally, I asked, "Did you get my email". Ya. "Well? have you seen it?" No. "Are you interested in what it is?" Well it says big tits. "Well, doesn't that pique your interest?" Well ya, but lots of my friends email me stuff that say things like and they haven't even sent it. It's usually spam. "Uh, ok. But this is from me. Don't you think you could ask?"
> 
> ...


It's hard for me to relate to that because I have never even thought that way. If my wife sent me porn links, I'd blow a load in my pants. 

Yes, Guys always send each other stuff like that as a goof and it means nothing. I rarely even look at it. But from the wife? Entirely different. 

One suggestion- tell him you want him to help you masturbate with a vibrator. Even if he doesn't get horny and bang you, it will be erotic and he'll be involved. 

Also, has he had his testosterone level checked at the doctor ?


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> It's hard for me to relate to that because I have never even thought that way.


Believe me, it's hard for me to relate! 




40isthenew20 said:


> If my wife sent me porn links, I'd blow a load in my pants.


Well, I thought I'd at least get a, "Gee baby, what is that you sent me???" or SOMETHING!



40isthenew20 said:


> Yes, Guys always send each other stuff like that as a goof and it means nothing. I rarely even look at it. But from the wife? Entirely different.


Thanks for noting that, I must say I was a teensy bit wondering about that. Seemed odd to me. Especially in light of the non-reaction. 



40isthenew20 said:


> One suggestion- tell him you want him to help you masturbate with a vibrator. Even if he doesn't get horny and bang you, it will be erotic and he'll be involved.


Good suggestion. will try it. 



40isthenew20 said:


> Also, has he had his testosterone level checked at the doctor ?


I've been wondering that myself. Now, how on earth do I pose that question/suggestion? Ugh.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> ugh. Like pulling teeth.


When the moment presents itself (i.e. no excuses), dress in some sexy lingerie, pull him toward you, grab his nuts and plant him a big wet kiss...then tell him how much he turns you on and you want him to take you now. Even if you have to fudge a little, think of it as a test.

If that doesn't get his mojo flowing, then, calmly suggest a checkup


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> When the moment presents itself (i.e. no excuses), dress in some sexy lingerie, pull him toward you, grab his nuts and plant him a big wet kiss...then tell him how much he turns you on and you want him to take you now. Even if you have to fudge a little, think of it as a test.
> 
> If that doesn't get his mojo flowing, then, calmly suggest a checkup


Thanks for the suggestion. But really, Ugh. Should it be this hard? I'm finding this very painful, and somewhat humiliating. It's taking a toll on my self-esteem.

You know, when I read all the posts here between the LDs and the HDs who are mis-matched, I wonder why they/we got together (or got married) in the first place. 

Maybe the question of drive should be assessed as part of the criteria of 'should I marry this person'.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> Thanks for the suggestion. But really, Ugh. Should it be this hard?


What's so hard about that? Jump his bones if you have it in you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovesong said:


> Do you think that will work in reverse? I don't think it is the same when the man is the LDer. For one thing, I give him attention, pats on the bum when he's around, arms around waist in the kitchen, thank-yous when he thinks to take out the garbage, ask how his way went, and so on. He tends to pull away, or get impatient that I ask him questions. I am trying to connect and it seems like all he can do is push away both literally and metaphorically.
> 
> Tonight for example, I sent him an email link to a porn site that I found last night and liked (he works away three weeks on and three weeks off). Tonight, he called and didn't even mention it. Finally, I asked, "Did you get my email". Ya. "Well? have you seen it?" No. "Are you interested in what it is?" Well it says big tits. "Well, doesn't that pique your interest?" Well ya, but lots of my friends email me stuff that say things like and they haven't even sent it. It's usually spam. "Uh, ok. But this is from me. Don't you think you could ask?"
> 
> ...


You are chasing your husband. Men need to chase the woman.

Read the book "Divorce Busting". Pay attention to the bit about making unilateral changes to effect changes in the marriage and doing the 180 (no it's not the 180 in my sigature block below).

YOu need to change your behavior. What you are doing does not work so stop it. Start acting 180 degree (opposite) from the way you act right now. Stop chasing him. Ignore him but be happy, outgoing, busy (go places and don't tell him where you are going), be mysterious.

So yes there is a similar formula for women.. but it's different.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> What's so hard about that? Jump his bones if you have it in you.


I've tried and been turned down, several times. That's what's so hard about this! I'm actually at my wits end and running out of ideas. I've tried engaging him in sext messaging, phone sex, come on to him subtly, not so subtly, said it outright (I'm horny and I want you!), talked dirty during sex, asked him what his fantasies are, and so on. Even sent him a couple (and I do mean only two) porn links of videos that I liked, hint, hint. He never even acknowledged them. 

And no, I'm not unattractive, overweight, or a biotch! lol. My male friends think I should be able to, "chuck a rock in any direction". I'm seriously thinking I just need to move on. He's just not right for me, and me for him I guess. 

That's why I say, should it really be this hard. Maybe sexual compatibility should be higher on the list of 'what I want in a life-mate'. I was raised to 'be a good girl'. And, to find someone who I was 'friends' first and most importantly with. I'm beginning to wonder at the wisdom of this philosophy. More so after reading everyone's strife with LD/HD compatibility issues. 

So, how important is sexual chemistry and compatibility in choosing a life-mate?? I wish I could post that as a new post but I don't seem to be able to (or have permission to) do so.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> I've been wondering that myself. Now, how on earth do I pose that question/suggestion? Ugh.


Just begin talking about it after one of the many TV commercials comes on. Androgel or those BS test booster magic pills are all over the air now, so it will be easy to see one while watching some TV together. 

Or make up some story that a friend of your's has a husband that had low T & now is on test replacement therapy. "He" is acting like a 20-something again & feels great.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Anyone's more attractive when they have self respect (fitness, dress nice, groomed, etc). They spend time on their needs instead of over-extending themself and being so giving that it stresses them out (ie many parents, workaholics, and/or people in relationships or real adult responsibilities besides themself). You always need to prioritize.

In the OP case, you've successfully rekindled a bit of the courtship type stuff. Congrats. However, her changed behavior is mostly due to her now thinking you might be prepping to leave her or prioritize other things above her, and she is therefore reacting with extra love and affection to keep you (even though it's mostly a subconscious threat).

Just consider that self respect and prioritizing one's self can quickly cross into selfishness. That line blurs very easily. Everyone has an ego. Have self respect, but never let your priorities get out of line... don't give into your ego and put yourself above your spouse by spending more time on yourself or your friends or your kids than you do on meeting her needs. That doesn't end well (read the infidelity forum if you have any questions on that).


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