# back to sex once a month



## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i have not posted on here for 6 weeks, i must be stupid as for a few weeks my wifes sex drive was pretty good, but we are back to where we started, once a month if i am lucky, it is even more frustrating now as when we are with friends she comes out with loads of sexual innuendoes but in private there is nothing, i still love her with all my heart but i would like a bit more intimacy


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

What happened in those few weeks that made things better?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

nothing! my wife just decided she wanted it a bit more, i have tried everything to help the situation, and if i try to initiate it i get told to not be a dirty old man, i feel like a fool for thinking things had changed.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You have been struggling with this for a while. Maybe you need to tell her that you are wearing thin and that there is a problem she needs to accept and both of you need to go to counseling.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i have tried to get us both to counseling but she will not go, i have also told her its a problem that we need to sort out but she says she is quite happy


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You have to be firm with her though. How long do you think you can go like this?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i have been asking myself that for a while now but i have 2 beautiful daughters, i would be devestated if i couldnt see them constantly


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

I hear you...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

pjp said:


> i have been asking myself that for a while now but i have 2 beautiful daughters, i would be devestated if i couldnt see them constantly


pjp,

Like many here, you are HD and she is LD

If you don't force the issue somehow to get change, nothing will ever change.

If nothing ever changes, the two of you will spend your marriage more like room mates than soul mates and you will never be truly happy. Your daughters will pick-up on this at some point. Do you really want them to anticipate that being married to someone who doesn't make you happy is OK?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

The relationship is working fine for her, why should she do anything differently?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You are negotiating from a position of weakness. And she knows it.

You have stated that you're unhappy. She doesn't care. You don't want to divorce her and see your kids part time. She knows it.

She's using your love for her and your children as leverage against you.

So now you know that she's not going to change to make you happy. You have three choices.

First, you accept the status quo and try to make peace with your situation. Maybe she will decide she wants more sex in the future. Maybe she will decide she wants less. Either way, you just go along for the ride, or not, and be as happy as you can be. Get a hobby. If you're on the golf course all day, then you can't be rejected at the same time.

Second, you can change yourself. This means you try to become someone that she's attracted to, and thus wants to have sex with. I recommend this strategy.

Third, you can divorce. You've stated your aversion to this choice, so I won't dwell on it.

Good luck.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pjp said:


> i have not posted on here for 6 weeks, i must be stupid as for a few weeks my wifes sex drive was pretty good, but we are back to where we started, once a month if i am lucky, *it is even more frustrating now as when we are with friends she comes out with loads of sexual innuendoes but in private there is nothing,* i still love her with all my heart but i would like a bit more intimacy


That's all about looking great infront of others. It's like saying you're a millionaire. Looks really impressive, and whose going to prove otherwise?

My fiancee used to do that a while back. Thankfully now she follows through on most things she suggests publicly, and very soon after too, but I remember the frustration you are feeling.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

pjp said:


> i have tried to get us both to counseling but she will not go, i have also told her its a problem that we need to sort out *but she says she is quite happy*


This really gets my goat. I've read too many times here on TAM where both men and women will say, 
"Well, I'm happy with the way things are and that's all that counts. It doesn't matter that you feel that you are not getting the love and passion you want/need. Why should I go to counseling? You have the problem."
This is a very selfish position to take, whether its the husband or the wife saying it. If one spouse has a problem, you both have a problem. This is an unacceptable situation. Have you read MMSL?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you read this book?

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i have read a number of books, including the ones mentioned above, i am at the stage that i wont ask or beg for attention, and if she does want it my answer will be no thankyou, i am in a crap situation like many people, and i am quite a good looking bloke (even if i do say myself) with what most people tell me is a great personality,


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

last night my wife wanted sex, i said no thank you, she wasnt best pleased with that answer, she had the nerve to ask me what was the problem!, i answered that you wont come near me for weeks and then when you want it i am supposed to do exactly what you want, well i have had enough of feeding off scraps, she hasnt spoke to me since.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

after my wife has ignored me all night and befor work, i have just had a phone call on my mobile about having the bathroom refitted, i asked if she had finished ignoring me and she answered, i just think the bathroom needs some work done on it, my answer= i dont really give a s**t about the bathroom right now! and unless you have something constructive to say about our relationship i would rather you didnt call me at work! its hard enough to concentrate at work as it is with all the frustration. sorry for whinging but it is doing my head in.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pjp said:


> i have not posted on here for 6 weeks, i must be stupid as for a few weeks my wifes sex drive was pretty good, but we are back to where we started, once a month if i am lucky, it is even more frustrating now as when we are with friends she comes out with loads of sexual innuendoes but in private there is nothing...


My take is that's because she knows it's wrong and is trying to put up a front. Hell, for that matter she might have made the mistake of telling these friends about what a pig you are and then been set straight by them.

Why let her pretend and stroke her own ego at your expense? Simply tell her that the hurt of her refusal is compounded by those empty innuendos she tells, so that she's essentially lying at your expense. Then tell her that you expect she will stop this, and if not you will not hesitate to set her straight - publicly - in a manner she may not appreciate.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pjp said:


> after my wife has ignored me all night and befor work, i have just had a phone call on my mobile about having the bathroom refitted, i asked if she had finished ignoring me and she answered, i just think the bathroom needs some work done on it, my answer= i dont really give a s**t about the bathroom right now! and unless you have something constructive to say about our relationship i would rather you didnt call me at work! its hard enough to concentrate at work as it is with all the frustration. sorry for whinging but it is doing my head in.


Yeah, I understand the frustration and have had the victim puke myself. The problem is that when you blow up like that it gives her license to disregard you as irrational and unstable if not downright mean and abusive. It would be much better if you had said calmly that the bathroom meets your needs and you will (1) decide when to devote time and resources to it and (2) will prioritize her sensibilities when she does the same for you.

Now, you need to follow up and apologize for the outburst, but reaffirm that the displeasure with her over your sex life is real (you are genuinely lacking) and appropriately assigned (it is her fault). Then calmly tell her that from this moment on you will put the level of attention into her needs that she puts into yours. Somebody needs to work towards making you happy and if she refuses to do it then you will do it for yourself.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pjp said:


> last night my wife wanted sex, i said no thank you, she wasnt best pleased with that answer, she had the nerve to ask me what was the problem!, i answered that you wont come near me for weeks and then when you want it i am supposed to do exactly what you want, well i have had enough of feeding off scraps, she hasnt spoke to me since.


Nice!

But, to be fair, you should again clarify your expectations of her. Just saying "I will not settle for scraps" is not enough. Even worse, is has an element of "victim puke" and carries the associated problems

A better response / good follow-up is to simply note your sense that she ignores your requests for sex so that you will be horny and compliant when she wants it (btw, this is exactly what my ex did, so it does happen). Tell her this does not work for you and you would rather go without. Then tell her, calmly, that there are boundaries for you and she has the choice to either not cross those boundaries or suffer the natural consequences.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pjp said:


> last night my wife wanted sex, i said no thank you, she wasnt best pleased with that answer, she had the nerve to ask me what was the problem!, i answered that you wont come near me for weeks and then when you want it i am supposed to do exactly what you want, well i have had enough of feeding off scraps, she hasnt spoke to me since.


Been there buddy.

My ex-wife, she rarely initiated sex. And I mean maybe a few times a year. In the ten years we were together, I maybe turned her down five times, and likely that is to high of a number. Yet each time I did, she got all confused and questioned me why, was genuinely hurt and even went as far as to wonder if there was someone else or that I didn't find her attractive.

That always pissed me off. I'd get turned down most of the time and get what was pretty much duty sex with her getting oral and other stimulation 95% of the time we'd have sex (with the other 5% being my turn), then pretty much bolting out of the room after we were done, but that was ok. But if I dared to say no to her, it was like a national crisis and we need a full tribunal inquiry into the matter.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

To echo the others.

Victim Puke steps all over an otherwise effective message.

Full emotional control is the goal.

No anger.

"I'm not ok with your ideas about how physical intimacy proceeds between us"


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

you all make some very good points,after my daughters have gone to bed i am going to have a calm chat as to where we go from here, my only problem is that we have had these chats befor, i am thinking of just saying i no longer want a sexual relationship,


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pjp said:


> you all make some very good points,after my daughters have gone to bed i am going to have a calm chat as to where we go from here, my only problem is that we have had these chats befor, i am thinking of just saying i no longer want a sexual relationship,


I think you owe it to yourself to simply have one more of these chats. But that''s it, just chat. No anger, no emotion, just a normal talk and be sure to let everything out, how this sex life makes you feel, how you want more, how you feel you deserve more, how you want to give her more, etc. 

But do not make any ultimatums, such as "I no longer want a sexual relationship." If she or you make promises, be sure to give time for those promises to come into effect.

Take a couple of days after your chat to completely digest everything you and her said. If she/you made promises to each other, take more time and wait for those to be able to take effect.

If they don't take effect, then you have every right to say "I no longer want a sexual relationship....with you" Because really, you do want one, just no longer with her. It's then up to you how to go from there, whether you push for divorce, an open marriage, or whatever you decide on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Pjp,
This is one of the main reasons your sex life is so bad. 
- you turn your wife down (which is totally fine)
- she asks to spend a bunch of money and you blow up (which to her, makes you weak)
- you now want to have a "you are selfish and you suk" conversation with her

Instead it needed to be:
- she calls about the bathroom remodel and you laugh and say this isn't a good time to discuss that
- when you get home - same thing - not willing to discuss that right now
- wait until she comes to you and says "why aren't you meeting my needs for sex, financial support, etc"
- and ThAT is when you ask: do I normally make you and your requests a high priority?
She says yes
- does it feel bad that I have not done that the last two days?
She says yes
- do you think you make ME a high priority?
She says "yes" and you ask her: when is it you put my needs ahead of yours?
And stay on that point. She will do anything to chame the subject. Don't let her.
And stick with: dont you think you need to demonstrate I am a high priority to you, before you ask MEnto do anything special for you?




pjp said:


> you all make some very good points,after my daughters have gone to bed i am going to have a calm chat as to where we go from here, my only problem is that we have had these chats befor, i am thinking of just saying i no longer want a sexual relationship,


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

thank you to all that are giving me good advice, but i hate to be negative but the chances of this working are pretty slim!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> i am thinking of just saying i no longer want a sexual relationship,


Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. So you plan on threatening her with no sex? Do you think she will be able to refrain from dancing?

Do the words 'Brer Rabbit' mean anything to you?


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

its not just the sex, my wife likes cuddles and normally goes to sleep with her head on my chest, if she cant be bothered about sex then the cuddles and stuff will stop also,


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

we have had a chat (very calm on my part), my wife says i should make more effort to do more! i do pretty much everything as it is, she also said that she questions if i love her! i am always telling her i love her and complimenting her, i am the one who wants a kiss and to give her affection, i think she is just making it up to fire back at me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Did she give you any suggestions?

If so, follow up on them. If she wants to go for walks for example, go for walks.

Do it for a month, no questions, and give her what she says she wants.

If after a month, there's still nothing, sit her back down and explain that you carried your end of the bargain and if she's not willing to carry hers, then maybe there's no point.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

she gave no suggestions, she was just having a go at me because i dare question anything, she also said she is quite happy the way things are and does not see why she should change anything as she thought we were happy, i am losing count how many times we have had the same conversations,


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> she gave no suggestions, she was just having a go at me because i dare question anything, she also said she is quite happy the way things are and does not see why she should change anything as she thought we were happy, i am losing count how many times we have had the same conversations,


Exactly. If your wife can't give you suggestions on what she wants you to do, then she doesn't want you to do anything else. And you should call her out on that crap instead of accepting it.

If your wife asked you what she could do to improve your marriage, wouldn't one or two things come right off the tip of your tongue? I thought so.

So, I would have the same conversation with her tonight. Tell her you've given her 24 hours to think of some of the things that she needs for you to do, that you're not already doing. If she can't give you specific, legitimate examples, then shoot down this line of reasoning. Just say that you reject the idea that she needs for you to prove your love, but can't think of a specific way you can. Or, that she needs for you to prove your love by doing something inconsequential or ridiculous.

And then you carry through with lowering the thermostat. Tell her you'll be happy to make more of an effort in the marriage when she's willing to reciprocate.

Good luck.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

good views phtlump but i dont think this would have any impact (And then you carry through with lowering the thermostat. Tell her you'll be happy to make more of an effort in the marriage when she's willing to reciprocate) but i will give it a go, i know one thing and that is i have had enough of this farce.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

pjp said:


> she gave no suggestions, she was just having a go at me because i dare question anything, she also said she is quite happy the way things are and does not see why she should change anything as she thought we were happy, i am losing count how many times we have had the same conversations,


If you have talked to her as much and as often as you say you have, and she honestly thinks that she thought you were happy, then she has a major malfunction IMO.

Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum.


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## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

if the chat later does not change anything i think the ultimatum will follow, i am 45 not 85 and i have got a number of very good years ahead of me, i still love her dearly but this issue is doing my head in.


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

Just my opinion. She has full control and tells just what you need to keep you in place. (I don't mean to insult you) I think you need to be stronger and make an appointment for therapy and tell her if she truly loves you she will attend.


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## Shake-N-Bake (Jul 10, 2012)

pjp said:


> you all make some very good points,after my daughters have gone to bed i am going to have a calm chat as to where we go from here, my only problem is that we have had these chats befor, i am thinking of just saying i no longer want a sexual relationship,


I have been angry and resentful in my reactions towards my wife, me being an angry person by nature. Trust me it does you no good. Like the others on here say, it is much more respectful and attractive to speak calmly and keep your cool. Getting angry will only put the plugs in her ears.

I also think that since SHE will not go to therapy, that shouldn't prevent YOU from going. A good therapist will give you techniques on LOCATING the problem, and tips for you to try and budge through it as a couple. Who knows, if she sees you making a legitimate effort to correct a problem, she may just come around.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've found that calling crazy people on their bluff has a low payoff.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> good views phtlump but i dont think this would have any impact (And then you carry through with lowering the thermostat. Tell her you'll be happy to make more of an effort in the marriage when she's willing to reciprocate) but i will give it a go, i know one thing and that is i have had enough of this farce.


I don't expect her to fold up and offer more sex. Or, if she does, it will only be temporary. I'm just saying that you should explain to her your position. And that this time, you will be matching your actions to your words.

That's the component that's been lacking in the past. You've complained about things, but you've never changed them. So she believes, with good reason, that she can just wait you out. It will take some steadfast, prolonged, action to make her believe that you are finally serious about changing your marriage. This won't be solved by a conversation, or by twenty. It will be solved by one or two conversations, followed by actions that are congruent with your statements. Once she believes that you mean what you say, you have a chance at forcing a change in your marriage. Until then, it will just be more of the same.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

pjp said:


> if the chat later does not change anything i think the ultimatum will follow, i am 45 not 85 and i have got a number of very good years ahead of me, i still love her dearly but this issue is doing my head in.


As I said earlier, a chat will change nothing without corresponding action on your part. And it will take weeks of consistent behavior on your part before she believes that this might be a permanent change.

Also, I would read up on the 180 and Athol Kay's MAP. That's what you need to be doing. Although it would be tempting, you should not be framing your withdrawing from her as tit for tat. This should not be about hurting her like she's hurting you. Your new, detached behavior should be about preparing you for a new type of relationship with her, or for ending your relationship with her.

If you get mad and storm out of the house tonight, you'll be back tomorrow apologizing because you haven't prepared yourself mentally for leaving. If you spend three months withdrawing from her, and she doesn't put forth any effort to keep you, then you can walk away with a clear head and stay gone.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> If you have talked to her as much and as often as you say you have, and she honestly thinks that she thought you were happy, then she has a major malfunction IMO.
> 
> Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum.


I suspect that a large part of the problem is that he says one thing and does another. He admits he gets little or no sex, complains, yet still gives her the cuddling she wants. She hears one thing, but sees another. She is human, so naturally latches on to the message she wants to receive, which is that everything really is alright. Add to it that actions speak louder than words and it is no surprise she is confused.

To OP - you need to align your words and actions. Stop doing everything for her. Follow the script MEM gave you. Also, start working on yourself. GEt some hobbies, go the gymn. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Guide to get some ideas on how to do that. She is not interested in meeting your needs right now, so you need to turn your attention more inward.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

pjp said:


> last night my wife wanted sex, i said no thank you, she wasnt best pleased with that answer, she had the nerve to ask me what was the problem!, i answered that you wont come near me for weeks and then when you want it i am supposed to do exactly what you want, well i have had enough of feeding off scraps, she hasnt spoke to me since.


It's too hard for me to pass on the scraps. How did that work out for you? I have co-worker that tried that. It got him no sex for over three months because she didn't even notice. He finally gave up and solicited an undercover cop. That didn't work out well for him either. 

I have sex with my wife twice a week because I threatened divorce several years ago, so Thursday and Sunday we meet in the bedroom and do our thing. The sex is just that, sex. No passion. It leaves me feeling empty. She feels like she did her duty. It worked well for several years until I figured out that what I really wanted was to be desirable to her. I wanted her to want me. I would prefer to have less sex and more passion. What I'm saying is even if you get more sex, you could still be miserable, since you'll know that she is just doing it for you and not getting much out of it.


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