# Still no apology or anything...



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Spoke to a friend (H's, but mine as well) and he related that he had run into my MIL. Bear in mind that I hadn't heard from friend since the split between H and I last year. He and MIL chatted a bit, he asked about me and she says that she hasn't heard from me because I'm mad at her for letting OW in her house last summer. Well, DUH!!:scratchhead:

The email, dated 1/6/12 (the last part in a back &forth exchange) is below.

"True, I had trepidation, even reservations about DD going to NJ. They have not subsided but have grown. I remain unimpressed about the quality of opportunity where she is. From what I have been privy to, job offerings there are no better than what is in Orlando. 
And to be honest, I am not at all comfortable with the idea that she is under the same roof as the female that is contributing to the further demise of my marriage. Were the situation reversed, that I had dishonored my vows and my husband by cavorting and taking up residence
with another man, would it be reasonable to expect STBXH to be understanding, even agreeable, to having her reside with me? Seriously. And while we're on that topic, I find it very difficult to not feel disrespected when people who insists that I am part of the family, lets an intruder (polite way to describe OW) even welcomes that person into their home. Again, if the tables were turned and I brought my affair partner
to my mother's house, she would not have let me in, let alone my playmate. But then that wasn't the situaution, was it? Come April, when granddaughter is born, if he comes down for that and brings HER with him, I will have to ask the kids to let me know when they are there so that I don't have to see her. Frankly, I don't want to see him either but him I can deal with. I believe that abiding by this simple request should be a matter of respect.

As for communication with STBXH, he is making it very difficult to keep that open. No matter what, he seems to intrepret everything I say as a slam (his word choice). I'm trying to maintain civility, as near to impossible as that is. Until such time as DD decides to return to Florida, I will continue my efforts. I refuse to live "down" to his expectations.



So, I guess one could infer a certain level of anger in my words. I can't deny that I do feel anger. I take ownership of that and realize that it is my issue to confront and overcome, when the time is right. There are any number of things I must confront, questions that may or may not ever be answered. Lots of questions, 25 years worth.

To make one thing clear though, if the opportunity should ever be presented to me that STBXH would ever want to try again, the answer is a most resounding no. He already burned up his "2nd" chance, there is no 3rd.

Despite the feelings I have right now, concerning him, that is not the way I feel about you or the rest of the family. I just feel that clarity should be given to what I feel at the moment. So far, few have wanted to hear what was on my mind let alone acknowledge it or my entitlement to feeling like I do."


Should I not feel insulted, disrespected, offended by what MIL did? I understand that STBXH is her son, but after being told for 25 yrs how much MIL loves me, how I'm her fave DIL (has 2 others) and I'll always be part of the family no matter what it's nearly impossible to NOT be hurt and angry about this.

Am I way off base here?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just let it gooooo



Breathe....let it go....breathe...let it go...

Hug yourself.

Let it go.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sure you are allowed to be hurt and angry. Just decide....make a conscious decision NOT to get stuck there! 

Plus, you said your piece....they don't have to agree, or like it, or want to hear it. Period. Now you CAN let it go.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I am trying my darnedest to let this go. Probably wouldn't have even thought of it except for MIL's recent visit to see my son, DIL, and new baby. In the course of convo with DS MIL asked about me. DS asked if MIL hadn't talked to me and she replied with "She's mad at me." I don't know what was said after that as DS won't tell. 

I have begun to phase out that side, MIL and all but 1 BIL have been "defriended" on FB, felt as though I was being cyberstalked to a degree. Neither of my kids ever had any of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc on their FB's. 

Simply decided that after 5 months of abolutely no response from any of them to my attempts to keep up our relationships that they no longer deserve to know what or how I'm doing.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

cherokee96red said:


> Simply decided that after 5 months of abolutely no response from any of them to my attempts to keep up our relationships that they no longer deserve to know what or how I'm doing.



This is very good. Relationships are two-sided and both sides should contribute to maintaining them. Choosing to let go of a relationship that is not mutually beneficial is a sign of strength.

Emotions are one-sided and letting go is all about getting your own emotions under control. Only you can manage your feelings in favor of action and you need no one else's validation, approval, or acceptance for them. Feelings aren't wrong, but they don't have to trigger reactionary actions. Being stuck in your feelings is a choice, though it doesn't always feel like one. The difference between emotions and actions is a difficult negotiation when betrayal is involved. Cut yourself some slack for having feelings, but recognize that you're the only one who is keeping you in the place that feels them and you will be empowered.


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