# Back at it again after 4 years....but done finally



## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

It has been 4 years since i last posted here. It was under another name and TAM has changed their rules on members names. I took a beating back then for many were saying to do 180 and stuff. I refused and we found our love again. She just could never get over the "lost feeling or "Is There Life Out There" feeling. Either way i am allowing her to leave after 29 years. I am 53 she is 46. Boys are out and living their lives. She still loves me, but her "feelings are just too much. Enough on that. My issue is "finding myself" kind of like W is doing. I am at age 53 and alone. I have had someone to take care of since 17 years old and now it is myself and 2 cats. I live in a small town of 40,000. I don't do well in crowds like large churches although I am a Christian. Anway i will post more later. I just had to say something to someone. It is lonely when you are trying to do what's right sometimes. 
BTW, she will move out in 4 weeks so I am trying to do this as nicely as possible for we do want to be friends since we have kids and grandkids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> It has been 4 years since i last posted here. It was under another name and TAM has changed their rules on members names. *I took a beating back then for many were saying to do 180 and stuff. I refused and we found our love again.*
> 
> Didn't last long did it. Maybe you should have taken the advice.
> 
> ...


You didn't listen then and you probably won't now but she's not your friend. Definition of friend is loyal, honest and trustworthy. You are allowing her to cake eat. This gets you nothing and will keep you bound in the situation hence you won't be able to move on like she has.

Maybe you should wake up to reality now


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878, So I made a mistake. I am sure you have made a few yourself in your relationship(s). This time is different. Rings are off, dividing stuff and such. The part of saying being friends, I meant in the sense of being sociable when we see each other instead of hateful. I have proven my love to her over the years. If she does decide to come back she will have to prove she is over this "thing" she says she has. I don't know how she will do that, but I don't want to be hurt anymore.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is she taking ownership for her side of things?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

what good is love when it is based on something so transient as feelings?


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Is she taking ownership for her side of things?


Yes. She says she hates hurting me over and over with her actions of separation. This is the 5th attempt.(She gets this way and talks about it, but does not leave except 2 times before. Once was my fault for sure from verbal abuse in 2000. Last one was 2013 and it was her fault) 
She truly has never been alone in life. She moved from parents to me and is very independent. Her statements are basically that she needs to see if she can live her life on her own. She blames herself for being "broken" and feeling this way.
I just need to find myself as well so she cant hurt me anymore. I am having trouble allowing myself to do the things that make me happy. I don't know where to start to overcome this feeling


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you can't pull a hard 180 no contact you'll be like a broken record playing the same thing over and over.

Join a gym, walk, get a hobby, develope friends but get out of the house.

You can't fix her or make her do anything. You do need to fix yourself ASAP. That is totally under your control


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Yes. She says she hates hurting me over and over with her actions of separation. This is the 5th attempt.(She gets this way and talks about it, but does not leave except 2 times before. Once was my fault for sure from verbal abuse in 2000. Last one was 2013 and it was her fault)
> She truly has never been alone in life. She moved from parents to me and is very independent. Her statements are basically that she needs to see if she can live her life on her own. She blames herself for being "broken" and feeling this way.
> I just need to find myself as well so she cant hurt me anymore. I am having trouble allowing myself to do the things that make me happy. I don't know where to start to overcome this feeling


I think that what you are facing is like anything new. It takes time. You cannot expect to go from one circumstance to another without grieving and a transitional period. Besides that, your wife is still living with you. You haven't even had a chance to start getting used to being without her yet. Don't rush yourself.

Make a plan for how you are going to manage. Look ahead to what your needs are and how you are going to meet those needs. You have looked to your wife to meet some of your needs, but she is no longer willing to do that, so it's important for you to make a new plan. Not so you don't miss her, but so you don't fall into a pit of loneliness and despair.

You say you are a Christian, but don't go to church because you don't like crowds. How about joining a small Bible study? Maybe a men's group or a single's group would be a good option. That way you would be spending some time with other people without getting lost in a crowd.

Do you have close relationships with your children? Making a point of spending time with them and improving your relationships with them is good. Our family has a family meal almost every Sunday. We celebrate birthdays on Sunday also. You might consider starting a family meal once a month where you celebrate any birthdays for that month and get to spend quality time with your family. Usually what we do is to have everyone bring a salad or vegetable or whatever and we provide the meat dish. This works great for our family and it might be good for you as well.

Do you have a workout routine? If not, that should help you in many ways. It helps to fight depression and loneliness as well as increase your health and make you more attractive. Maybe revamp your wardrobe as well. 

Plan your meals. People who live alone often don't eat very well. It's more difficult to prepare a meal for one than when someone else is relying on you. But your health is important and eating well is a pleasure you should not deprive yourself of. Since you only have one mouth to feed, you should be able to eat exceptionally well. I recommend you make sure you are eating lots and lots of vegetables. It will help you to feel more energetic and be healthier, which can also guard against depression.

Finally, watch your self-talk. What kinds of thoughts are you hearing? When you wake up in the morning try counting your blessings and thinking about what is good in your life. What do you have to look forward to for the day? You might consider writing some things down that are good about your life and focusing on those things.

As a Christian, you know that you have a hope and a purpose. When you wake up, commit yourself and your day to the Lord and dwell on what he has prepared for you to do that day. As for his direction and guidance. Spend time daily reading the Bible and praying. That alone can make a huge difference in how you are feeling.

You have lots ahead to look forward to, but that doesn't mean there won't be a time of grief. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't live in a state of grief. Live in a state of hopeful anticipation for what good things are next. Put yourself in a position to receive good things and to be a blessing to others and you will be fine.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Sorrow from a breakup is so hard. You don't want to do anything but feel sorry for yourself, but doing things to occupy your time and your mind is what you need to do, but you don't want to. And that cycle continues. I know how you feel.

Just for the time being to get you over the hump, go to the doctor for something low dose to help with your feelings. Or, you can go to the store and get some St. John's Wort. Either will help with your frame of mind right now, and you won't need it long term. Before you know it, you will pick up the pieces and start building your life again and enjoying yourself. That would be a good time to start the 180 if you can't make yourself begin now. Maybe make a profile on a dating site. If nothing else, it will be others to connect to and communicate with, and who knows, maybe find a love interest when you're ready to start dating someone.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not know your story from four years ago (don't know who you were) - so I'll ask the obvious question - is there someone else in the picture ?


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> If you can't pull a hard 180 no contact you'll be like a broken record playing the same thing over and over.
> 
> Join a gym, walk, get a hobby, develope friends but get out of the house.
> 
> You can't fix her or make her do anything. You do need to fix yourself ASAP. That is totally under your control


It will be hard to do the 180 until she leaves. We are still dividing stuff up and the kids/grandkids are around quite a bit. Once she moves it will be easier.
Once tax season is over I will be joining a gym with my youngest son. He and his wife and 2 kids are moving into the house with me so i can keep it for now once the W leaves.
I don't want to fix her. She must find that. I do want to fix myself though


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Thank you Cynthia. Great advice. I have close relationships with my boys and their wives. I am sure we will start what you suggested. I am hard of hearing so groups make it hard for me to truly enjoy them if too many are talking. I will be headed back to church once tax season is over.

Starfire, Thank you as well. Your analogy is spot on. St John's Wort sounds great. I despise doctors so i will try that first. I have though of dating sites, but i am not ready for anything sexual or serious. I do love female companionship when dining though


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> I do not know your story from four years ago (don't know who you were) - so I'll ask the obvious question - is there someone else in the picture ?


She never cheated (AFAIK) but developed emotional affairs easily with both males and females who had problems. She loves to be the fixer I guess. I still do not think it is an affair. Sex was never a big deal for her. Romance maybe, but it was usually unrealistic crap that came about after 50 Shades was released.

I do believe it is a mid life crisis of feeling old and wondering what she may have missed from her youth. As a strong Christian lady this is the furthest she has taken things. She removed her wedding rings a few days ago and I noticed today. She says she did not do it in the past and this time she feels she must DO IT ALL this time or she will quit the separation maneuver early like last time. Totally not the woman I have known for 30 years, going against all her own beliefs as well as Christian beliefs.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> She never cheated (AFAIK) but developed emotional affairs easily with both males and females who had problems. She loves to be the fixer I guess. *I still do not think it is an affair. Sex was never a big deal for her.* Romance maybe, but it was usually unrealistic crap that came about after 50 Shades was released.
> 
> Check your phone bill. I've heard these famous last words too many times
> 
> I do believe it is a mid life crisis of feeling old and wondering what she may have missed from her youth. *As a strong Christian lady this is the furthest she has taken things.* She removed her wedding rings a few days ago and I noticed today. She says she did not do it in the past and this time she feels she must DO IT ALL this time or she will quit the separation maneuver early like last time. Totally not the woman I have known for 30 years, going against all her own beliefs as well as Christian beliefs.


Bull**** !!!! You should remove your ring as well if you haven't.

Limit communication to business only. Your kids are adults so you can do a 180 with her in the home.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

An EA is an affair and it is cheating. Stop making excuses for her. This isn't helping you at all.

You like most are in denial of who she is and is capable of.

Wake up.

Cut her off.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you apparently did not take the advice of the board pervious (your words), and you probably not take the advice now when we tell you to to stop acting like a yo-yo relationship. its time to finally grow up, be mature and get divorced...this will tell her once and for all that if she wants out then then there is no coming back to the same marriage if at all. I promise you this...if you don't do this then expect to be hurt when you see that she is seeing someone very soon...its time to cut the apron strings and let her go and tell her that...she wants to be free then set her free completely let her fall and make mistakes and everything else like that, but do it as a completely free and woman, and you as a completely free man.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> you apparently did not take the advice of the board pervious (your words), and you probably not take the advice now when we tell you to to stop acting like a yo-yo relationship. its time to finally grow up, be mature and get divorced...this will tell her once and for all that if she wants out then then there is no coming back to the same marriage if at all. I promise you this...if you don't do this then expect to be hurt when you see that she is seeing someone very soon...its time to cut the apron strings and let her go and tell her that...she wants to be free then set her free completely let her fall and make mistakes and everything else like that, but do it as a completely free and woman, and you as a completely free man.


 @Mobiletaxman
Hey buddy you need to start taking peoples advice because left up to your own devices it ain’t working for you. Do not let her Cake eat anymore file for divorce ASAP. She is a cheater why would you want someone like that she’s a real POS... you can do much better buddy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You should have read Dr Dobson's Love must be Tough 4 years ago and may not be in this position. 
The response to your wife's behaviour is not to make excuses or adopt the situation with permissiveness. If truth be told, that does not end well. Case in point.
Your wife's behaviour is not one of a Christian either. You haven't cheated on her so there is no reason to leave the marriage, she is just being a typical self centred cheater and the sooner you see that the better for you.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Bull**** !!!! You should remove your ring as well if you haven't.
> 
> Limit communication to business only. Your kids are adults so you can do a 180 with her in the home.


I believe you Marc about being in denial. It's tough to wrap your mind around not knowing a person you thought you knew after 30 years together. I will remove my ring soon. It is just hard for me to get there right now. We are all business now after arguing quite a bit today. This is not even the woman I knew a mere two months ago.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I believe you Marc about being in denial. It's tough to wrap your mind around not knowing a person you thought you knew after 30 years together. I will remove my ring soon. It is just hard for me to get there right now.


You are already there. You have been their for 4 years. It's going to be hard whether you accept it or not but make no mistake you are there. Your passivity has cost you 4 years. 4 YEARS! This is really no different. It's just wasting more time. Accept it, in life things end. You can morn and stand around, or you can morn and get on with your life. Getting on with your life will help you heal. 

Passive men get abused.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Like many you just never realized it. This is part of who she is and has been. You just never had to see it before. Reflect back at how many times she's pulled this.

Many think and try to reason with them but it's a waste if your time. *The more you talk, try and be nice the farther it pushes them away.* This is always the case but most like you can't break that habit to your detriment.


*Better stop the interaction. Get the ring off too.*

Strength is attractive, acting weak isn't. Just another thing that'll make this worse not better


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Upfront the big, huge mistakes most make is begging, crying, pleading, trying to nice them back or doing the "pick me dance". They look down on you for that ****. Your status just gets less.

You don't want to make her mad? Don't worry about pushing her away. She's already gone. Your current actions are sealing the deal.

It's much like a child and toy. They don't want the toy until someone else does.

Read up its short. Better pay attention this time around.

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I believe you Marc about being in denial. It's tough to wrap your mind around not knowing a person you thought you knew after 30 years together. *I will remove my ring soon. It is just hard for me to get there right now. *We are all business now after arguing quite a bit today. This is not even the woman I knew a mere two months ago.


So you're going to do nothing but hope? You're only chance is to do what you should have done before. Go your own way. 

How has your way been working? 

*Oh and take some more great advice. Go online and check your phone bill. *


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Yesterday was a tough day between the small arguing moments. I took the ring off today. That was hard. Is the marriage over? YES. Right now I feel weird because I go from anxiety moments of being scared (lost) to being alright about it. I realized last night I was not all that happy with her. I was happy with the being "A MARRIED MAN". I don't want someone who does not want to be with me. Going to be a long 4 weeks before she leaves the house.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Yes. She says she hates hurting me over and over with her actions of separation. This is the 5th attempt.(She gets this way and talks about it, but does not leave except 2 times before. Once was my fault for sure from verbal abuse in 2000. Last one was 2013 and it was her fault)
> She truly has never been alone in life. She moved from parents to me and is very independent. *Her statements are basically that she needs to see if she can live her life on her own.* She blames herself for being "broken" and feeling this way.
> I just need to find myself as well so she cant hurt me anymore. I am having trouble allowing myself to do the things that make me happy. I don't know where to start to overcome this feeling


I'll bet you $1000 this is not her intention at all.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Yesterday was a tough day between the small arguing moments. I took the ring off today. That was hard. Is the marriage over? YES. Right now I feel weird because I go from anxiety moments of being scared (lost) to being alright about it. I realized last night I was not all that happy with her. I was happy with the being "A MARRIED MAN". I don't want someone who does not want to be with me. Going to be a long 4 weeks before she leaves the house.


This is a positive statement for you. Get busy creating the next phase of your life. Do what you want to do. Get in shape, revamp the wardrobe, rekindle old friendships, find new friendships. Date. This is your time. As for her, who gives a sh*t. She wants off your team, fine, she's off. Make sure you show her what that really means. DO NOT DO ONE THING FOR HER. I don't care if that's holding a door for her. NOTHING. As for that 4 weeks in the house together? 180 hard. Ghost her in the house. Live as if she's already gone. Don't consult with her about anything. Do what you want. Don't you dare lift one moving box for her. She wants to see what it's like to be on her own, remember?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has a boyfriend. Did you check the phone bill?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

When she finally leaves, be sure you lock the door behind her and don't let her back in. She has pulled this crap FIVE TIMES?? What is lacking within YOU that has been allowing this?? She has a boyfriend she wants to test drive, and she will come back around once she is done. Don't let her.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> She has pulled this crap FIVE TIMES?? What is lacking within YOU that has been allowing this??


I have separation anxiety that has existed since I was 7 when my parents divorced. I have always secretly feared of being lost, left alone, abandoned, and not worthy of love. I am a strong man for others, just have not been for myself. I have only been in 3 relationships in my life with this marriage lasting 29 years, together over 30 years.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your wife may claim to be a Christian, but she is an unrepentant sinner. You have done everything that you could to speak truth into her life, but she has rejected it. 
Check out what Jesus said in Luke 10:11 'Even the dust of your city which clings to our feet we wipe off in protest against you; yet be sure of this, that the kingdom of God has come near.'

Do the same as the disciples did to the cities that would not listen. Wipe the dust off your feet in protest and move on. Forgiveness means to let go and not hold onto your anger, hatred, or bitterness. Forgive her and let her go. She has moved away from the faith and should therefore be considered an unbeliever.

1 Corinthians 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

Be at peace. And do not allow her to come back once she has left. She has been jerking you around and it's time to stop enabling her abuse. She has made herself into your enemy and you are not required to take her back. It is like answering a fool according to her folly. You are jumping right back into the drama when you let her come back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I have separation anxiety that has existed since I was 7 when my parents divorced. I have always secretly feared of being lost, left alone, abandoned, and not worthy of love. I am a strong man for others, just have not been for myself. I have only been in 3 relationships in my life with this marriage lasting 29 years, together over 30 years.


Let that go as well. You are a grown man and you can handle this situation. Reject separation anxiety from your wife. She is not a parent. You don't need her in order to survive or thrive. This is a completely different situation than you had when you were little. Have you considered addressing that situation in therapy?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*I am sorry...*



Mobiletaxman said:


> I have separation anxiety that has existed since I was 7 when my parents divorced. I have always secretly feared of being lost, left alone, abandoned, and not worthy of love. I am a strong man for others, just have not been for myself. I have only been in 3 relationships in my life with this marriage lasting 29 years, together over 30 years.


I am sorry... but I have to ask. I this the reason that you still seem to refuse to believe that she has been cheating on you for a very long time. 

Is that the reason that you still, I think, refuse to believe she is cheating on you right now? 

I am sorry for your mental issues, but have you gone to and continued your therapy and or medication? If you have not, Why not. 

Are you going to live this way the rest of your life?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not going to get down on you and argue whether you should have divorced her 4 years ago or not. Coulda, woulda, shoulda...you made your decisions then and you are making the right one now. 

I predict that she will go out and spend a few years sowing her wild oats. She may eventually settle down with some new fella, but I guarantee she won't be any happier in the long run with him as she was with you. In fact don't be surprised if in a few years down the road she comes around tells you she made a huge mistake divorcing you. She is going to find out that being single at her age is no picnic. The window for her to find a new man and settle down is narrowing quickly, whereas you will continue to be a catch for women well into your sixties. 

She thinks divorcing will solve all her problems. The true problem is that all her imagined problems are just that: imaginary. "Grass is Greener" people like your wife are never satisfied or happy with anything. It speaks to something missing in them, a void they cannot fill no matter how far they travel or how many relationships they have.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife may claim to be a Christian, but she is an unrepentant sinner. You have done everything that you could to speak truth into her life, but she has rejected it.
> Check out what Jesus said in Luke 10:11 'Even the dust of your city which clings to our feet we wipe off in protest against you; yet be sure of this, that the kingdom of God has come near.'
> 
> Do the same as the disciples did to the cities that would not listen. Wipe the dust off your feet in protest and move on. Forgiveness means to let go and not hold onto your anger, hatred, or bitterness. Forgive her and let her go. She has moved away from the faith and should therefore be considered an unbeliever.
> ...


Last night I came to terms with her lost faith and how she has abused me. I truly thank you for the Christian verses. I forgot these. I do feel I gave all I could to the marriage and to her. Knowing she has quit the relationship MONTHS before even saying anything and getting me to pay off HER student loans (RN Nursing) on my credit cards, paying $2k out of my business account has made me able to say "see ya."


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

*Re: I am sorry...*



BluesPower said:


> I am sorry... but I have to ask. I this the reason that you still seem to refuse to believe that she has been cheating on you for a very long time.
> 
> Is that the reason that you still, I think, refuse to believe she is cheating on you right now?
> 
> ...


Blues and Cynthia....I would agree that my separation issues led me to accept her "leaving routine" for over 25 years and blame myself. No, I have never had any counselling or am on meds. I hate doctors and meds. I think now that i am more AWARE than ever before, I can seek help. I am messed up mentally in a small way after my childhood & 22 years in Army (81-03) with 5 tours. Army crap is nothing that makes me want to hurt people, just nightmares. I am very aware I could get addicted to drugs easily so I stay away from any that i can and restrict my alcohol intake.

As far as her cheating... besides her EAs I have never seen any indications of actual physical affair with a man. A woman is more likely. I have even told my sons that if being gay is hereditary, this would make me believe it.
He3r mother went gay after 3 marriages and has been happy ever since. She was 38 when that happened. My wife is 46 and this is what i truly expect to happen.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> I predict that she will go out and spend a few years sowing her wild oats. She may eventually settle down with some new fella, but I guarantee she won't be any happier in the long run with him as she was with you. In fact don't be surprised if in a few years down the road she comes around tells you she made a huge mistake divorcing you. She is going to find out that being single at her age is no picnic. The window for her to find a new man and settle down is narrowing quickly, whereas you will continue to be a catch for women well into your sixties.
> 
> She thinks divorcing will solve all her problems. The true problem is that all her imagined problems are just that: imaginary. "Grass is Greener" people like your life are never satisfied or happy with anything. It speaks to something missing in them, a void they cannot fill no matter how far they travel or how many relationships they have.


I appreciate not bashing me with tough love.
I agree that she may come back. I think my sons would stop me from getting back with her. They are extremely dissappointed in her and feel she should move on.
Like I stated several times before. I wish nothing bad on her. I hope she finds what makes her happy, BUT I MUST COME FIRST. That is hard for me for I have always put my family ahead of me in everything. Her friends are always telling her they are jealous and wish their men was like me. 
I do hope to find a woman to love again for I am a good man who has a loving heart, but I must love myself first.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only one that can keep you in this is you.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> The only one that can keep you in this is you.


I can honestly say I am not sure I want to rekindle the relationship after i have spent over a week reminiscing the good and bad. The past 30 years, well 25, have always been wondering when she was going to leave after the first time. Like I mentioned before she has always talked about separation or divorce off and on throughout our marriage. I just kept us together and lived in my fantasy world thinking all was well.... then surprised (not this time) when she wanted to leave. I deserve a relationship of complete love and trust or at the very least I deserve happiness by myself with never having to worry about being hurt by another woman. This 53 year old heart has been mistreated way too much by women who took advantage of my love and gentleness.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I can honestly say I am not sure I want to rekindle the relationship after i have spent over a week reminiscing the good and bad. The past 30 years, well 25, have always been wondering when she was going to leave after the first time. Like I mentioned before she has always talked about separation or divorce off and on throughout our marriage. I just kept us together and lived in my fantasy world thinking all was well.... then surprised (not this time) when she wanted to leave. I deserve a relationship of complete love and trust or at the very least I deserve happiness by myself with never having to worry about being hurt by another woman. This 53 year old heart has been mistreated way too much by women who took advantage of my love and gentleness.


As you reflect back like most you won't like what you finally see.

You teach people how they can treat you. I learned so can you. You aren't that old pal.

Stand up and start kicking some ass for a change. Feels great!!!!!


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Thanks Marc. Sometimes we all need a kick in the ass to wake up and see things as they really are. We had good times and bad times. I am grateful she was there with me as we dealt with my son's prison issue. We had two great boys together. We also fell out of love during the years of stress and our careers got in the way. That is life and it is time to move on


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just remember talk won't get you there. Only actions


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Once you've started clarity will come faster. Like many you'll probably look back and wish you hadn't wasted the time and effort


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Don't take her back...this is a pattern. You are 53, but you will fare a lot better than her in the dating world. Get a gym membership if you don't have one. People mention that over and over for good reason. 

She will find her options are rather limited, so I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back to R in short time. If you accept her back, she will get the itch again. Close that book of crazy.

You can be happy, just not with her.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Don't take her back...this is a pattern. You are 53, but you will fare a lot better than her in the dating world. Get a gym membership if you don't have one. People mention that over and over for good reason.
> 
> She will find her options are rather limited, so I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back to R in short time. If you accept her back, she will get the itch again. Close that book of crazy.
> 
> You can be happy, just not with her.


Many of her friends who have gone through something similar, according to them, are telling her she will have fun at first then find out that she was wrong and want me back. She told me this last night as we were going through pictures. I said "and what do you think of that situation?" She replied "she expected me to laugh and walk away, but she hopes it never comes to that." I told her " I would never laugh at her, but that is all I promise."


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

In order to be at peace - Let her go! When she moves out, I recommend that you pray a prayer to break the soul ties and completely release her and yourself from the bonds that hold you to her. There should be no going back and no allowing her back in. She is bad for your life. She is not for you. She has been your enemy by aligning herself against you and your well-being.

Even if she were to show a real change in her heart condition, I still would not recommend that you take her back. She is unstable in her ways and not a good match for you. You do not need her, but you are still bound to her despite her mistreatment of you. Which is why I recommend praying to break this bond, but to wait until she is actually gone.



Mobiletaxman said:


> Many of her friends who have gone through something similar, according to them, are telling her she will have fun at first then find out that she was wrong and want me back. She told me this last night as we were going through pictures. I said "and what do you think of that situation?" She replied "she expected me to laugh and walk away, but she hopes it never comes to that." I told her " I would never laugh at her, but that is all I promise."


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Thank you Cynthia. I will most definitely do the praying after she is gone. I am also looking at a Divorce/Separation group here in my city once tax season slows down for me. Today has been extra hard for it seems everything I see and hear reminds me of our good years. That is hard.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Yesterday, was a very hard day as W and I had to sort through 30 years of pictures and keepsakes. We argued over money and what she wanted to take or for me to buy her. She was left speechless when I asked her WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME WHEN I EVENTUALLY MOVED? I went on and said you wanted this separation, not me. I don't owe you a thing, but I will help you to a point. You have no right to ask me for more than I am willing to help. 

I just wish these next 3 weeks would move along quicker


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Yesterday, was a very hard day as W and I had to sort through 30 years of pictures and keepsakes. We argued over money and what she wanted to take or for me to buy her. She was left speechless when I asked her WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME WHEN I EVENTUALLY MOVED? I went on and said you wanted this separation, not me. I don't owe you a thing, but I will help you to a point. You have no right to ask me for more than I am willing to help.
> 
> I just wish these next 3 weeks would move along quicker


Excellent. You are right that you do not owe her a thing. She sure is entitled isn't she?! The more she uses you up and behaves like you don't matter, the less likely you will be to want to do anything for her. Apparently she think the world revolves around her and you are put here to serve her.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Excellent. You are right that you do not owe her a thing. She sure is entitled isn't she?! The more she uses you up and behaves like you don't matter, the less likely you will be to want to do anything for her. Apparently she think the world revolves around her and you are put here to serve her.


You ARE correct on how she thinks it is all about her. hell I may have been part of the reason she thinks that way. I sure treated her as the Queen of the family, but she wanted it all evidently. 
It amazes me how love can blind one to such behavior


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Mobiletaxman said:


> You ARE correct on how she thinks it is all about her. *hell I may have been part of the reason she thinks that way. I sure treated her as the Queen of the family*, but she wanted it all evidently.
> It amazes me how love can blind one to such behavior


That was me. I treated my XWW like a queen and looking back, so much of what I did revolved around her and what she needed or wanted. I swear it seems like if you put your woman front and center, all you are doing is setting yourself up as a doormat. No wonder so many guys think the best way to keep a woman is to treat her like crap, otherwise she'll take you for granted. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Hang in there brother, we are about the same age and I can tell you that life can be good on the outside.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I wanted to add that she needs to do all of this on her own. She wanted freedom? She has an itch to scratch to find herself? Let her move her own crap, pay her own way, do everything on her own. Stay out of it. I had to learn that too, but under different circumstances. I'm still doing the paying though, unfortunately.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mobiletaxman said:


> You ARE correct on how she thinks it is all about her. hell I may have been part of the reason she thinks that way. I sure treated her as the Queen of the family, but she wanted it all evidently.
> It amazes me how love can blind one to such behavior


There is something intrinsically cruel about your wife and so far you don’t seem to have realized it.She knows you have had separation anxiety since you were a small boy but on at least five occasions during your marriage she has made preparations to leave you.
Your wife is evil,verging on sociopathic in my humble opinion.
Your sons at least can see her for what she is.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> You ARE correct on how she thinks it is all about her. hell I may have been part of the reason she thinks that way. I sure treated her as the Queen of the family, but she wanted it all evidently.
> It amazes me how love can blind one to such behavior


From what I've seen if you do too much you can get taken advantage of, taken for granted, lose respect and you're left holding the bag. Happens a lot when you put them on a pedestal and require nothing in return. 

Most jump into panic mode and try doing more, more, more not taking the time to really look deep and this just puts you in worse shape. Being weak, needy, chasing just lowers your status.

Relationships should be balanced. If it's not then It isn't worth having


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cromer said:


> That was me. I treated my XWW like a queen and looking back, so much of what I did revolved around her and what she needed or wanted. I swear it seems like if you put your woman front and center, all you are doing is setting yourself up as a doormat. No wonder so many guys think the best way to keep a woman is to treat her like crap, otherwise she'll take you for granted. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Hang in there brother, we are about the same age and I can tell you that life can be good on the outside.


You know it is a fine line. I spoil all my GF, I was writing about this in another thread. 

And I hate to be to cocky about it. But I mean, I make them breakfast in bed all the time, I love to cook for them, and bla, bla. 

At the same time if they mouth off or disrespect me, I just have to say, "Who in the F*** do you think you are talking to". 

If that is not enough to wake them up, then they need to go. I must say that my current GF, loves the way I treat her, and at the same time she treats me like a king. And she if so appreciative of the things I do for her. The way that she treats me makes me want to do even more for her.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> You know it is a fine line. I spoil all my GF, I was writing about this in another thread.
> 
> And I hate to be to cocky about it. But I mean, I make them breakfast in bed all the time, I love to cook for them, and bla, bla.
> 
> ...


What you just wrote exactly describes my relationship with GF. I've been learning Italian cooking because she loves it, and every day after work when she comes here I have dinner ready. I make her breakfast in the morning when she stays overnight and even packed gourmet lunches I've made for her. She tells me that she's never had anyone treat her the way I do, and she sure works hard to return the effort. She hasn't done anything disrespectful or mouthed off at all. She treats me like I'm the center of her world, and it is so different from my marriage. A very small, superficial example: the other morning, I was waking up and thinking I was in a dream, only to find that the GF was taking care of the morning wood while I was in that "between sleep and awake" state. My XWW would've never thought to do something like that. She said that she wanted me to wake up happy. What woman does that?!? Damn, I'm blessed. Yes, I woke up happy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nothing wrong with treating them great. I do as well but I never take or put up with any ****.

You know why? Because they aren't a need. 

I don't NEED anyone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Yesterday, was a very hard day as W and I had to sort through 30 years of pictures and keepsakes. We argued over money and what she wanted to take or for me to buy her. She was left speechless when I asked her WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME WHEN I EVENTUALLY MOVED? I went on and said you wanted this separation, not me. I don't owe you a thing, but I will help you to a point. You have no right to ask me for more than I am willing to help.
> 
> I just wish these next 3 weeks would move along quicker


You really need to drop the rope fully. Let her pull up her big girl panties and take care of her own ****.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree it about balance and it has to be mutual.

It's not only women who treat men badly this way, but a whole lot of women are treated the same way. I have known many.

Lots of hurting people out there, but unfortunately most of us don't learn from our mistakes, we only dig in deeper to our ineffective coping strategies.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cromer said:


> What you just wrote exactly describes my relationship with GF. I've been learning Italian cooking because she loves it, and every day after work when she comes here I have dinner ready. I make her breakfast in the morning when she stays overnight and even packed gourmet lunches I've made for her. She tells me that she's never had anyone treat her the way I do, and she sure works hard to return the effort. She hasn't done anything disrespectful or mouthed off at all. She treats me like I'm the center of her world, and it is so different from my marriage. A very small, superficial example: the other morning, I was waking up and thinking I was in a dream, only to find that the GF was taking care of the morning wood while I was in that "between sleep and awake" state. My XWW would've never thought to do something like that. She said that she wanted me to wake up happy. What woman does that?!? Damn, I'm blessed. Yes, I woke up happy.


This is exactly like me and my GF. I always go to sleep happy and wake up happy. And she says the same thing, that she has never had anyone treat her the way that I do. 

I simply tell her that she is the most wonderful woman I have ever known, and she deserves it. She has an "Idea" of how many women I have been with, so my comment carries some weight. 

I makes me sad that her previous men did not treat her properly. She had a bad picker at one point. 

I makes me sad that it took this long to find her, what my life could have looked like if I had met her 10 or so years ago at least. But like everyone knows, you can't go back. 

But @Cromer, is it not the greatest thing in the world, after coming out of our respective crap, to have a real woman that loves you the way that you need???


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

I agree with you all about treating the women well and not getting disrespected. I never saw it until about 2 months ago. I know there are other ladies who deserve my love and I know there are women who will love me and show that love better.
After reading the 5 Languages of Love(?) I discovered big gaps
I love to do things and buy gifts. I love to receive praise & gifts. She rarely gave praise for my husband actions. She would praise my business skills and such. Gifts were very rare and hardly thought out.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> This is exactly like me and my GF. I always go to sleep happy and wake up happy. And she says the same thing, that she has never had anyone treat her the way that I do.
> 
> I simply tell her that she is the most wonderful woman I have ever known, and she deserves it. She has an "Idea" of how many women I have been with, so my comment carries some weight.
> 
> ...


Exactly. I thought that most of my marriage relationship was good. I really did. But now? I see so much that I didn't see before. Frankly, my marriage was mostly me giving and her taking. I wanted so badly for it to work, I'd done anything to keep her happy, and did. If it weren't for the kids, I'd be in a much different place about my past choice of life partner. But I don't regret it because of them.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Cromer said:


> Exactly. I thought that most of my marriage relationship was good. I really did. But now? I see so much that I didn't see before. Frankly, my marriage was mostly me giving and her taking. I wanted so badly for it to work, I'd done anything to keep her happy, and did. If it weren't for the kids, I'd be in a much different place about my past choice of life partner. But I don't regret it because of them.


You just described exactly my situation. I am so thankful for our time for we created 2 wonderful men for this world.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Well a week has gone by. Some arguing and some nice friendly talk during the short times we do talk. 12 days until she moves out. I am eager for it but not as much as her. Today my truck broke down and needed a ride home. My boys were busy so I called her. She did not answer, but I assumed she was already gone to work. About 20 mins later my youngest son did call me back and got me. On her 5 min mini-break she texted me and apologized for not being there for me. She reassured me that she did not ignore my call, just couldn't answer it. I texted her back 15 mins later that I never thought that and feel she would have answered if she could. AMAZINGLY she called me from a business line an hour later to see if I got her text and apologized and restated the text. I replied back with what i told her in my text. We hung up on good terms. 

I do not think or expect this as a sign. i just took it as being nice to have my (former) best friend talking nice and apologizing for not being there for me ina sincere form.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should be on a hard 180. Talk right now is getting you nothing. 

Trying to nice them just lowers your status.

But it's your show


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I appreciate not bashing me with tough love.
> I agree that she may come back. I think my sons would stop me from getting back with her. They are extremely dissappointed in her and feel she should move on.
> Like I stated several times before. I wish nothing bad on her. I hope she finds what makes her happy, BUT I MUST COME FIRST. That is hard for me for I have always put my family ahead of me in everything. Her friends are always telling her they are jealous and wish their men was like me.
> I do hope to find a woman to love again for I am a good man who has a loving heart, but I must love myself first.[/quote
> ...


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

It is practically impossible to do a hard 180 when you still live together and have 31 years of stuff to split up, grandkids visiting and such. Going hard after she moves is the goal.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If she goes, does her things (dates/effs other guys), and then comes back, would you take her back? If you won't, make that plainly clear to her now.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hopefully once she moves out, you really will be able to do the 180. The whole family needs to realize that you are not going to be on friendly terms with her anymore. She is divorcing you. You are not friends. No, you aren't going to pick fights with her or be adversarial with her, but there will be no light banter or happy moments with her. You are done. That needs to take place in your heart and the family needs to understand that the only way you can move on is if you detach.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> That is hard for me for I have always put my family ahead of me in everything. Her friends are always telling her they are jealous and wish their men was like me.
> 
> I do hope to find a woman to love again for I am a good man who has a loving heart, but I must love myself first.


I want to speak to this part. Like you, I spent my life taking care of my wife and children. Never minded the sacrifice, until I realize that I was actually "caring for" a drug addict among other things.

Once I realized that I had wasted 26 year with a woman like that, I started to wake up. I stopped being codependent and started to put me first. It is a great thing to do, but there was push back even from my kids as I changed...

Here is that story, My oldest son had some kind of insurance issue, and he called me to tell me about it. I listened, and then I said, "Well son you need to go to who ever and work out the problem with them.", the phone went silent as he was processing it. Then, he said, "Well dad, can't you just call them and tell them how to fix this deal?". 

I said, "Son, you are a grown man, you are fully capable of taking care of this, and besides I have a date tonight and I really just don't have time".

It took several incidents like this with each child for them to realize that dad was not going to handle everything for them like I did in the past. And at first, they really did not like that. But eventually they understood that dad has his own life and in his life he gets to come first...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Mobiletaxman
Forgive me for asking, but are you still having sex with your stbxw? If you are, it's making things much more difficult to detach.

Have you thought about what it means to be a people pleaser? I think that is a lot of what is going on and if you don't address that, you will continue to have the same issues of trying to make everyone happy, rather than doing what you believe is the right thing or the best thing. People of high integrity are not people pleasers. People of high integrity do what they believe is correct even when others are offended or uncomfortable about it.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

becareful2 said:


> If she goes, does her things (dates/effs other guys), and then comes back, would you take her back? If you won't, make that plainly clear to her now.


We did have that talk. No I want take her back. She knows it. She says she is not wanting anyone else and just wants to be ALONE. So far she talks with her friends on the phone but does not see them in person. I did ask her about that and she stated when I say ALONE it isn't just you, but everyone. She did remove her wedding ring a few weeks back and put on a different ring on her ring finger. She said she was not wanting guys to hit on her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm sorry man but that's not gonna last long. Most do not separate to be alone they just say that.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I want to speak to this part. Like you, I spent my life taking care of my wife and children. Never minded the sacrifice, until I realize that I was actually "caring for" a drug addict among other things.
> 
> Once I realized that I had wasted 26 year with a woman like that, I started to wake up. I stopped being codependent and started to put me first. It is a great thing to do, but there was push back even from my kids as I changed...
> 
> ...


I have had to do similar things with both boys over the past few years. Pretty much now it is assistance with large price items. I have been dealing anxiety today with me being codependent on my wife. I know I will get over it for I must, but I sure hope it isn't too long. These past few weeks I have come to see just how spoilt she was, rude/disrespectful in her actions with me, and some other things over our marriage. It is hard to face your own blindness and accept that you failed to protect yourself from being hurt.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Time and space will bring even more clarity as you reflect back.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> @Mobiletaxman
> Forgive me for asking, but are you still having sex with your stbxw? If you are, it's making things much more difficult to detach.
> 
> Have you thought about what it means to be a people pleaser? I think that is a lot of what is going on and if you don't address that, you will continue to have the same issues of trying to make everyone happy, rather than doing what you believe is the right thing or the best thing. People of high integrity are not people pleasers. People of high integrity do what they believe is correct even when others are offended or uncomfortable about it.


I have heard the term. I know I worried about what others thought and wanted to be liked in my youth. Very low self esteem. That is better now. High integrity I do not see as an issue now. I think I simply fell into a bad routine early in my marriage of TRYING to keep my wife happy all the time and never knew I did. Even last week, I made her tea (jug) out of a 30 year habit when i saw it was low in the fridge.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Time and space will bring even more clarity as you reflect back.


I am pretty sure it will. As for her seeing others and not staying alone....that is on her. She knows I will start dating as well. She is definitely afraid of that. She is afraid of other women taking me away and has verbally stated that. I will stay faithful as long as she does, but once it is broken I am not bound by my vows


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are no longer bound by your vows when you divorce. Divorce means you are not longer married. If your spouse wants to go, let her. Shake the dust off your feet and move on.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MTM...... Call me crazy but after reading your thread, I don't think there is "someone" .... more like

"some others." Unlike most who obviously have a person 'waiting in the wings,' I think she is seeking

a new lifestyle. Will another guy be involved eventually, yes. She is similar to a rebellious teenager.

-I'm 18, of age, I can do whatever I want- And they go balls to the wall and move out. It takes about

four-six months for them to realize..... paying all these bills sucks! All I do is work and pay bills.

Ain't got no time for friends and parties. They then.... roll out that bottom lip and eat crow.

-Can I move back home?- I honestly think that is what she will do or "try to do."

If you are waiting for her to date first, you are NOT detaching. You are basing your life choices..... 

on what she does. How will you know.... will you call her and ask? Will you spy on her?

You have always took her back...... this is why she is so foot loose and fancy free.

My XW was 47 when she decided to be foot loose n fancy free. She wanted us to stay M but do our own thing.

I refused, requested MC, she refused... I dropped D papers in her lap. She was all cool n calm

until I cut all contact with her. This caused her to initiate multiple reaches. I refused those.

By the time she decided to want things to work out, I was done. Being a rock against her dalliances...

will be an example for your boys..... to what NOT to put up with.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Thank you Chuck for some great advice and providing your comparison to my situation. I have no interest in dating at this time because I am still IN LOVE with my wife. her dating is just words from her. She just knows it is a deal breaker and will cause a divorce. I wont be spying. Many of her friends are my friends who are unhappy with her decision. I figure if she starts dating, I will hear about it. 
I have asked about MC and she said not at this time. I did tell her that IF we got back together, MC would be a requirement.
I fully expect her to "come home" at some point. Taking her back will be based on how I feel at that time as well as if she can gain my trust back. 
As the time has gone by, I am in a constant battle of wanting her and seeing how are marriage truly was after seeing things in a different light. This makes me not want to be treated that way again. These battles over my feelings are bringing great stress and anxiety on me. Like I have stated, I know things will be different once she moves out next Saturday.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> You are no longer bound by your vows when you divorce. Divorce means you are not longer married. If your spouse wants to go, let her. Shake the dust off your feet and move on.


We are not divorced yet. We are playing roommates until she can move next weekend. 
She has spoke of Legal Separation, but I have no clue if she is going through with that. Divorce was spoke off as an eventual situation, but over the past 6 weeks she has seemed to remove that from the discussion.
She was expecting me to fight to keep her "tied" to me. That isn't the case and she has calmed down on the divorce talk.
Today at breakfast we talked about the upcoming move, life insurance, etc. She stated that she is wanting to cut as much ties as possible for she feels if she doesnt it may make her feel 'still attached" and not help her overcome this "need for space" feeling. All I said was "I cant fathom what she is feeling, but it is her call. Just know I cant guarantee how long I will wait for her to come around. I am not in favor of this separation, but i am trying to work with her for the family's sake and our marriage.
I know most don't understand why I am doing things this way, but when I pray, the answer is work with her and when i ask for a sign from God that i am on the right path, she says or does something that shows the love she still has. i truly feel God is working on me as much as her. One of my fears was if she could take care of herself once I am gone BECAUSE she never had lived on her own.
Who knows, maybe this separation is God's way of answering my concerns.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> We are not divorced yet. We are playing roommates until she can move next weekend.
> She has spoke of Legal Separation, but I have no clue if she is going through with that. Divorce was spoke off as an eventual situation, but over the past 6 weeks she has seemed to remove that from the discussion.
> She was expecting me to fight to keep her "tied" to me. That isn't the case and she has calmed down on the divorce talk.
> Today at breakfast we talked about the upcoming move, life insurance, etc. She stated that she is wanting to cut as much ties as possible for she feels if she doesnt it may make her feel 'still attached" and not help her overcome this "need for space" feeling. All I said was "I cant fathom what she is feeling, but it is her call. Just know I cant guarantee how long I will wait for her to come around. I am not in favor of this separation, but i am trying to work with her for the family's sake and our marriage.
> ...


First you stated that you wouldn't date until after she does, which is why I said that once you are divorced you are no longer bound by your marriage vows. It never occurred to me that you were going to live in legal separation rather than divorce. Are you saying that if she starts dating while you are still married, but legally separated that you will date if she does?

People repent due to consequences, not due to people kowtowing to their desires. The more you enable her, the more you help her to disregard what is right in favor of what feels good to her. It feels good to her to have you hanging on for dear life hoping she will change her mind. She is using you at your expense. That is sinful behavior and you are actually encouraging her to do it. You should rethink your position.

Your wife is deserting the marriage. The Bible tells us that if an unbelieving spouse (one not walking with the Lord) wants to leave, let them leave, but it isn’t talking about legal separation. It is talking about divorce.

I don’t think you are getting a sign from God to live like this, because it is against what God’s words tells us. His word is his clear guide to us and if something doesn’t line up with it, we are to recognize that it’s not of God.

Allowing her to use you and to treat you like this isn’t right. It is enabling her sinful attitudes and behaviors, which makes you a party to the sin.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> First you stated that you wouldn't date until after she does, which is why I said that once you are divorced you are no longer bound by your marriage vows. It never occurred to me that you were going to live in legal separation rather than divorce. Are you saying that if she starts dating while you are still married, but legally separated that you will date if she does?


I understand what your whole post was saying and agree. My mind is all a mess right now. I know it will clear up once she is out, but I wanted to answer this one specific question.

No I was not saying i would not date until she does. I was saying I have no interest in dating right now. I do miss female companionship over dinner and such, but sex is not desired at the moment. She says pretty much the same thing. We have talked about maybe down the road dating each other if we chose to. Like I have said before, love is there, but she just wants to be ALONE, not with anyone even dating. 
What i was saying IF she started dating someone else I would move for Legal separation if not Divorce. So far she has only asked for a separation. I feel she has a mental issue and I dont know how to help her, but give her the request and wait/see where it goes. This is where I can only trust God and pray. Heck, for all I know he may needed to move her to work on me. As I have stated, I have always been concerned if she could make it on her own if i was to die. Maybe she secretly has the same fear and this is her own way of saying it. I do love my wife and have see how she has been struggling to deal with this issue for several years. Maybe now is the time to let her try to solve her problem as I solve mine.

Before one thinks of my concern of death is a mental issue...I am 53 years old. No Price boy in my family history going back to the 1700s has ever lived past 56 years. They have all died from heart related issues or cancer if natural causes. Now i know i could possibly live longer since I have never smoked and drink no more than 1-3 beers daily. I am obese, but losing weight slowly. I am a realist though and can see the odds.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Geez just divorce her already! This marriage is a waste of your life and time at this point! Be the man and take control, make the damn decision FOR her. You should have more self respect than this.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Geez just divorce her already! This marriage is a waste of your life and time at this point! Be the man and take control, make the damn decision FOR her. You should have more self respect than this.


How long were you married? If it wasn't at least 20-25 years you have no clue on what a long term marriage encompasses from lifelong friends, family, financials, and business matters. You just don't trash a marriage of 30 years if there may be something to save. The most she has mentioned is a legal separation. She is scared, lost and needs help. 

I do not want a divorce yet. I am fine with the separation That IS MY DECISION. I still love the woman and I am trying to give her some time to possibly see she needs counseling and during that time I can work on my codependency issues. Hell for all I know my codependency issues may be part of her problems. I am not a person who makes knee-jerk decisions. I do try to way out all scenarios. A divorce can be done later if needed, but for now I need her to get moved so I can start a hard 180 and begin fully working on myself. She will be on her own, can have her SPACE, and can see what life is like when she is responsible for her self and no one's there to spoil her


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> How long were you married? If it wasn't at least 20-25 years you have no clue on what a long term marriage encompasses from lifelong friends, family, financials, and business matters. You just don't trash a marriage of 30 years if there may be something to save. The most she has mentioned is a legal separation. She is scared, lost and needs help.
> 
> I do not want a divorce yet. I am fine with the separation That IS MY DECISION. I still love the woman and I am trying to give her some time to possibly see she needs counseling and during that time I can work on my codependency issues. Hell for all I know my codependency issues may be part of her problems. I am not a person who makes knee-jerk decisions. I do try to way out all scenarios. A divorce can be done later if needed, but for now I need her to get moved so I can start a hard 180 and begin fully working on myself. She will be on her own, can have her SPACE, and can see what life is like when she is responsible for her self and no one's there to spoil her


Ok, 27 years here, so I will speak to it. That poster is correct. I am here to tell you that of all the people that got divorce, not one of them, out of hundreds, ever once say that they divorced too soon. Hundreds mind you. In fact, every single one of these people said that they wished they had done it years and years before they finally pulled the trigger. 

How long did she have and affair on you? Do you even know for sure? 

Brother, yes you are codependent, really badly codependent by the way, and that is not the problem with the marriage. If anything you enabled her by not putting a stop to this a long time ago. 

And look, I know that it is scary, I know that it hurts, I know all of it, I have been there. Lots of us have, we get it. 

But you are so far past the marginal returns curve that the curve is actually off of the page. 

She does not love you, yeah, I know but she does not. You are putting your emotions into a black hole. Yeah, you are, I know, I did it myself. 

What you take as us telling you what to do, or criticizing you is not that at all. Everyone wants the best for you. 

When you pull the trigger on divorce, after the initial pain, a level of peace will start to come into your life. It will be a peace that you have not know for about 25 years. 

When I came out of the final mediation, even though it was not final, a weight lifted off of my shoulders that had been their so long that I did not even realize it was there. I actually felt 20 years younger. My step was lighter, it was amazing. 

People are banging on you because we know what lies ahead for you. What you don't realize is that peace and happiness it just ahead of you. You don't believe it, you can't see it, but I swear to god that it is there, waiting...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mobiletaxman said:


> I do not want a divorce yet. I am fine with the separation That IS MY DECISION. I still love the woman and I am trying to give her some time to possibly see she needs counseling and during that time I can work on my codependency issues. Hell for all I know my codependency issues may be part of her problems. I am not a person who makes knee-jerk decisions. I do try to way out all scenarios. A divorce can be done later if needed, but for now I need her to get moved so I can start a hard 180 and begin fully working on myself. *She will be on her own, can have her SPACE, and can see what life is like when she is responsible for her self and no one's there to spoil her*


OR... she will be on her own free to party it up and to try on that other man she's had her eye on for a while now, and if he doesnt fit, then she comes back home to good ol Plan B (thats YOU). 



BluesPower said:


> Ok, 27 years here, so I will speak to it. That poster is correct. I am here to tell you that of all the people that got divorce, not one of them, out of hundreds, ever once say that they divorced too soon. Hundreds mind you. In fact, every single one of these people said that they wished they had done it years and years before they finally pulled the trigger.


I have never met a person who has regretted their divorce. NOT ONE. I have met MANY who regret their marriage, and many who wish they hadnt waited so damn long to end it. 




BluesPower said:


> How long did she have and affair on you? Do you even know for sure?
> 
> Brother, yes you are codependent, really badly codependent by the way, and that is not the problem with the marriage. If anything you enabled her by not putting a stop to this a long time ago.
> 
> ...


Blues is right, she doesnt love you. You are the familiar, what she knows, her security. And if you really examine your own feelings, you will likely realize that you really are not in love with her either, not the way you should be. She is all you know, and anything outside of that is scary. We all get it, we have been there. It isnt fair for her to prolong this to keep you dangling the way she is, and you going along with it is only enabling her. She wants out but she is scared of losing her comfy familiar life, and its damn unfair to you in the process. That is why I suggested that YOU pull the trigger. Stop letting her control YOUR life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Blues is right, she doesnt love you. You are the familiar, what she knows, her security. And if you really examine your own feelings, you will likely realize that you really are not in love with her either, not the way you should be. She is all you know, and anything outside of that is scary. We all get it, we have been there. It isnt fair for her to prolong this to keep you dangling the way she is, and you going along with it is only enabling her. She wants out but she is scared of losing her comfy familiar life, and its damn unfair to you in the process. That is why I suggested that YOU pull the trigger.* Stop letting her control YOUR life.*




You are supposed to be the one in control of your own life. It's called self-control. If you are waiting on a selfish, uncontrolled person in order to make decisions, you are in deep dysfunction. That is not how you were created to operate. Come out of denial and take responsibility for your own life.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

So we finally got fully separated (living wise) last Saturday. Between tornado weather and family issues with kids we still see or talk with each other at least a little bit daily. I am back at work doing my tax business and I go get the dog and walk him while she is at work. All in all I am doing well. I have now dropped below 293 pounds so 37 pounds lighter since March 1. This weekend will be her first time of being at her home w/o a day of work and such.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> So we finally got fully separated (living wise) last Saturday. Between tornado weather and family issues with kids we still see or talk with each other at least a little bit daily. I am back at work doing my tax business and I go get the dog and walk him while she is at work. All in all I am doing well. I have now dropped below 293 pounds so 37 pounds lighter since March 1. This weekend will be her first time of being at her home w/o a day of work and such.


What she is doing is often referred to as cake eating. She wants to eat her cake without losing it in the process. You are allowing her to do just that which gives her zero incentive to make better choices. Sorry, but I don't think this is going to turn out well. I don't want to be a downer, but I think it's important to look at this realistically. 

What are you doing to loses the weight? I hope you aren't on a restricted calorie diet. That is unlikely to work long term.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> So we finally got fully separated (living wise) last Saturday. *Between tornado weather and family issues with kids we still see or talk with each other at least a little bit daily.* I am back at work doing my tax business and I go get the dog and walk him while she is at work. All in all I am doing well. I have now dropped below 293 pounds so 37 pounds lighter since March 1. This weekend will be her first time of being at her home w/o a day of work and such.


Worst thing you can do. 


Keeping in contact you're going to wallow in this awhile.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> What she is doing is often referred to as cake eating. She wants to eat her cake without losing it in the process. You are allowing her to do just that which gives her zero incentive to make better choices. Sorry, but I don't think this is going to turn out well. I don't want to be a downer, but I think it's important to look at this realistically.


Good analogy.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> What she is doing is often referred to as cake eating. She wants to eat her cake without losing it in the process. You are allowing her to do just that which gives her zero incentive to make better choices. Sorry, but I don't think this is going to turn out well. I don't want to be a downer, but I think it's important to look at this realistically.
> 
> What are you doing to loses the weight? I hope you aren't on a restricted calorie diet. That is unlikely to work long term.


I have heard the cake eating term but never knew what it was. I agree with this statement. Right now I just want to get on with my life, with her or without her.

I have reduced my food intake, eating healthier and walking by myself or with our dog which she has. I usually walk the dog after she has gone to work so we dont see each other


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Worst thing you can do.
> 
> 
> Keeping in contact you're going to wallow in this awhile.


Trying not to stay in contact, just some things are causing it. Remember she lives less than a mile from me. Tornado weather caused communication about safety of dog and her concern about her son and grandkids. Funnel cloud was less than 200 yards from my home.
The communication has dropped off to simple texts and short calls at least. To the point and nothing too friendly


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

You are about to be screwed.

With your attitude, you are or will be the: 

Patsy
Low hanging fruit
Sucker
Stooge
Dupe
Sucker
Fool
Sap
Burnt offering
Scapegoat, and ever popular, 
CHUMP

Hire a pitbull lawyer...in fact interview every go-for-the-throat lawyer in your county so she can't retain him/her. 
The divorce will either be ugly, or your result will be very ugly. 

She's going to be counseled by friends and will have an epiphany that brings up every minor slight, every transgression, every misstep that you've ever made and magnifies it exponentially to something becoming white-hot hate. 

Here's how it will go: 

Cheating wife: "We'll just divide everything in half...that's fair." 
Betrayed husband: "Ok, that's fair."

Cheating wife: "Well, from your half now we need to take...this, and that and well that was mine, oh, I really liked that...and I need that and ok so you really want that? And, then there's that my father gave you 20 years ago, and I've always liked it. Oh, you can make so much more money than I can so I'll need more....blah, blah, blah." 

Get your balls back and play hardball. 

And, as for being on the "market" in your 50s, you will be a hot commodity if you get fit and get confident.

I know from personal experience.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

23cm said:


> You are about to be screwed.
> 
> With your attitude, you are or will be the:
> 
> ...


This is great... and it is exactly the way that it happens. I think when they finally understand that they are losing Mr. reliable, good old plan B guy... They just kind of freak out. 

They turn into pit bulls of the worst kind when the money is on the line. 

I would also stop walking the dog as well. If the dog is with her, the is it her responsibility, Or maybe the new boyfriends...


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman
Your wife sounds just like my stepdaughter when she moved out. She wanted the freedom to be on her own with no curfew or rules. But wanted the luxury of living close to home in case she needed anything. She still stops by almost daily to eat. To be honest I am glad she does. 

There is nothing wrong with what she is doing. She is finishing college and works full time. Your wife is another story. She wants freedom but refuses to give up the security. As long as she can get those both ways, she has no reason to return home. 

My marriage is on the rocks and my wife is acting somewhat like yours. She can not have it both ways. I will make sure of that. I will not have supper at the same table as her while she refuses to work on our marriage.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I would also stop walking the dog as well. If the dog is with her, the is it her responsibility, Or maybe the new boyfriends...


I walk our dog because i love the dog. It is my third fur baby. It is having severe separation anxiety from me as well. She walks him on the days off she has, I walk him and care for him during the times she is at work and when bad weather happens.
The dog is a 5 year old German Shepherd who went from my big back yard to a small yard with no real room to run. This is very bad on a GS 's hips and causes arthritis which usually causes the animal to be put down by age 8. I will not cause harm to my dog because of her bs. We dont have any communication over this part accept during storms. I tell her I have him and when he goes home.
As far as let new BF care for him.... If this was one of my kids I would not JUST LET THE BF TAKE CARE OF THEM... Anyway there is nobody in the picture as of yet according to her friends or evidence. That does not mean there isnt one. She is also concerned of how I can destroy her in a divorce. She is already concerned about how her reputation has been hurt in our town. Like I stated before, only a handful of friends and people support her decision to do this.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

MThomas said:


> Mobiletaxman
> Your wife sounds just like my stepdaughter when she moved out. She wanted the freedom to be on her own with no curfew or rules. But wanted the luxury of living close to home in case she needed anything. She still stops by almost daily to eat. To be honest I am glad she does.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with what she is doing. She is finishing college and works full time. Your wife is another story. She wants freedom but refuses to give up the security. As long as she can get those both ways, she has no reason to return home.
> ...


I am sorry your are experiencing a similar situation. Yes there is a difference between stepdaughter and wife. We may eat together as we discuss relationship issues. This is simply the time we have to do such discussions is at times I can stop to eat or dr visits and such.
I agree about the security issues and I have been cutting back on communication and doing things to help her unless it involves my dog.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Today my wife contacted me to ask questions about our finances. I picked up on that she was doing legal separation paperwork. I stopped her and told her if she wanted any more details she needed to meet me so i can verify what she is putting. Mistakes could cause issues and make this part or at worst the divorce a messy brutal and costly situation for both of us. We are not wanting lawyers involved and just keep it as simple as possible. She dont want to be with me....go on your way and good luck. Divorce is still off the table for now by both of us. 
We met for exactly 13 minutes and got everything split as originally agreed upon and all financials in ordered. I have always handled the budget in the household and have all data on software that shows how every dime was spent. She can make all types of claims but I have all the proof when it comes to financials including how she tricked me into paying off her student loans on my credit card, and spending over $7000 on car and vacation for her to go see her mom BEFORE I knew of her plans, but during the time she already knew she was leaving me. She is afraid she may have to pay alimony, although i dont want a dime from her.


Now this is what kind of made me go what the heck....She literally asked me how I was doing. She said she was concerned about me. I do know she still loves me due to 30 years together and stuff but really?
I am not reading anything into this, but just thought it was weird. Possibly just part of her midlife craziness.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and that is hard on me. This is the first time in my life since I was 10 that i am not buying a present of some sort for someone. My mother passed away in 1993 and we were married and had a kid in 1989 ( although the infant boy died)Our two remaining sons were born in 92 and 94.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Today my wife contacted me to ask questions about our finances. I picked up on that she was doing legal separation paperwork. I stopped her and told her if she wanted any more details she needed to meet me so i can verify what she is putting. Mistakes could cause issues and make this part or at worst the divorce a messy brutal and costly situation for both of us. We are not wanting lawyers involved and just keep it as simple as possible. She dont want to be with me....go on your way and good luck. Divorce is still off the table for now by both of us.
> We met for exactly 13 minutes and got everything split as originally agreed upon and all financials in ordered. I have always handled the budget in the household and have all data on software that shows how every dime was spent. *She can make all types of claims but I have all the proof when it comes to financials including how she tricked me into paying off her student loans on my credit card, and spending over $7000 on car and vacation for her to go see her mom BEFORE I knew of her plans, but during the time she already knew she was leaving me. *She is afraid she may have to pay alimony, although i dont want a dime from her.
> 
> 
> ...


The two things you posted don't correlate. She's about as crazy as a fox. She knew and knows exactly what shes doing. Crazy people think irrationally. She played you for her gain and at your expense.

Wake up to reality. You are still in some denial here.

Divorce is a lot about finances. You would be smart to get your fair share!!!!!


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Divorce is a lot about finances. You would be smart to get your fair share!!!!!



I will get my fair share and we have worked things out to being fair. She is carrying more credit card debt to compensate for material objects she needed. My friend who would represent me if needed feels she is trying to work with me since she allowed me to sit with her and see what she put down. Of course I have a copy of the forms in case she tries to bait and switch


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Well one week now into the 180. Had to see the wife at the ER after my youngest son got hurt at work. ( understand the family has always had a history of handling death and crisis with laughter once the crisis is over) We actually laughed and talked about simple stuff for about 30 mins as we waited for his discharge. We are both aware we are about to have to seat and discuss health insurance issues since she changed her job and the new job's health plan will cost us 3 times what she had at her previous employer. Major concern for both of us.
We parted ways with friendly words after my son was discharged and I drove him back to our house.

I still walk our dog on weekdays and she walks him on weekends. Only contact has been texts of " I got Dillon" and "I dropped off Dillon"


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Well one week now into the 180. Had to see the wife at the ER after my youngest son got hurt at work. ( understand the family has always had a history of handling death and crisis with laughter once the crisis is over) We actually laughed and talked about simple stuff for about 30 mins as we waited for his discharge. We are both aware we are about to have to seat and discuss *health insurance issues since she changed her job and the new job's health plan will cost us 3 times what she had at her previous employer. Major concern for both of us.*
> We parted ways with friendly words after my son was discharged and I drove him back to our house.
> 
> I still walk our dog on weekdays and she walks him on weekends. Only contact has been texts of " I got Dillon" and "I dropped off Dillon"


Are you sure you are getting divorced?


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

MThomas said:


> Are you sure you are getting divorced?


Divorce was mentioned once at the beginning of separation by her. She then changed that to legal separation, but she has not filed papers. Neither of us are looking for divorce at this time. We both have stated that several times. Of course I can only go by her words.

She is still struggling with being on her own (friends). I think she gets depressed on the weekends when her friends can't occupy her free time. Her mother is driving 12 hours from NM over the weekend holiday to see her and finally see her great grandkids. My boys truly have no desire to see their grandmother due to how she has treated me all these years as well as them when they became adults.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Divorce was mentioned once at the beginning of separation by her. She then changed that to legal separation, but she has not filed papers. Neither of us are looking for divorce at this time. We both have stated that several times. Of course I can only go by her words.
> 
> She is still struggling with being on her own (friends). I think she gets depressed on the weekends when her friends can't occupy her free time. Her mother is driving 12 hours from NM over the weekend holiday to see her and finally see her great grandkids. My boys truly have no desire to see their grandmother due to how she has treated me all these years as well as them when they became adults.


I do not blame your boys on how they feel. On the papers being filed, did she always proclaim she was going to file? As long as you have been married, I would think she would have your back. But she has done this prior. Several times. Like I told my wife recently "are you in or are you out? Ain't allowing you to fence sit"


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

MThomas said:


> On the papers being filed, did she always proclaim she was going to file? As long as you have been married, I would think she would have your back. But she has done this prior.


Just saw the W in person for 2 minutes to give her some important mail and discuss it (payroll problems). 

As far as papers.... she has not filed. That could be due to her finances or not really wanting to. I do think she has my back from previous discussions and early actions. Right now it appears we are both doing the 180.  In a statement before she moved out, she stated she thought we need a legal separation to do it right this time. I said, " I am giving you the separation and I am not going to be contacting you so you are wasting money." i think she fears what the courts would say on how she handled expenses prior to informing me of separating. We also don't want the expense of lawyers in our dealings.

This past Sunday I went out with a lady friend for a tea date. She is in a horrible, loveless marriage of 28 years. We are very close friends and she is probably my #2 adult woman in my life. It was a good 2 1/2 hours of just talking and laughing. Before people jump.... nothing is planned on my end of getting with her. Just enjoy our friendship and talks.

Still walking our dog and have dropped another 5 pounds. Now weigh at my weight from 6 years ago. Long way to go!


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Separate residences, separate lives, separate finances. But she can't seem to let you go. Wondering what she wishes to accomplish with these actions.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

MThomas said:


> Separate residences, separate lives, separate finances. But she can't seem to let you go. Wondering what she wishes to accomplish with these actions.


This is where i think she may be speaking the truth about SPACE and experiencing life as her own person. According to my counselor she is going through a mid-life crisis about her identity and who she is.

We saw each other for breakfast yesterday to go over a problem with her last paycheck. Although it was strictly like a business meeting it went well. Today we saw each other for about 30 mins at my home. Her request. This was more about family and stuff. 

The counselor says she is struggling with her own mental issues over the right and wrong sides of the separation. The C believes my W still loves me more than she is allowing herself to admit to.

At this time I am just waiting and seeing. I have no problem waiting for a while. I am working and improving on myself and enjoying it.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> This is where i think she may be speaking the truth about SPACE and experiencing life as her own person. According to my counselor she is going through a mid-life crisis about her identity and who she is.
> 
> We saw each other for breakfast yesterday to go over a problem with her last paycheck. Although it was strictly like a business meeting it went well. Today we saw each other for about 30 mins at my home. Her request. This was more about family and stuff.
> 
> ...


Very glad to hear that. Yet this seems to be more an in-house separation, such as mine at the moment, than a true separation. The true ramifications will not be felt by her when she always knows you will be right there at a minute's notice. This may drag on for longer than you realize.

The 180 is impossible for you to pull off. I don' think you would want to do that fully anyway. Can you do a partial 180? I am in that area myself. Maybe a partial would wake her up? Maybe I'm just too harsh. Maybe if our kids were grown and gone I would see things differently. It just appears that she is getting away with all this, scott-free.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

At the very least you need to file for legal separation so that she cannot ruin your credit. As a financial guy you should know that danger. Your ass is hanging out there.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

MTM, be sure you see what is on those separation papers before she files them. In your state, legal separations are rare and often not filed because a legal separation is filed essentially the same way as a divorce - through the courts, through a petition, and if the couple haven't agreed or can't agree on division of property, finances, child (or dog) custody, or some other issue, a judge will resolve the issue. And once one is filed and all those things agreed, either by the two parties or by a judge, that document can become a divorce in a hair trigger. MAKE SURE YOU KNOW what is in that paperwork and do NOT assume she "has your back," as you said earlier.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Teddie = I have a copy of the paperwork. Yes legal sep is handled just like a divorce here in Ok. Luckily she hates attorney fees as much as me. We already paid one attorney over $20K to handle our son's BS charge. We both divided stuff up equally. I am an Enrolled Agent (Tax Professional) and she still wants me to do hers even if we split officially. She knows I am pure professionalism when it comes to keeping business and personal separate. PLUS confidentiality kicks in between client and Enrolled agent unless criminal activity is going on in Divorce and IRS/State Tax court. 

Bandit= All finances and assets are separated. This was handled while we were living together and during the first week after she moved out. No further credit impact by either party. 
MThomas= The 180 is partially going on as I give her space. The Counselor adn myself agree that doing a full 180 would drive her away into someone else's arms because she is needing that safety net as she deals with her issues. 
The 180 is good if the relationship is about affairs, or irreparable. The C says I am doing well for myself and thinks it is helping W find herself by giving her the space without causing the crushing. 

Heck I even got an out of the blue hug from her yesterday morning after she stopped by to pay me back for buying stuff for her work. No words accept "sorry I'm icky" (from sweat) She hugged and said she had to get to work. First hug or even physical act since the day she moved out. Not reading anything into it, but it will be curious over the next 10 days.

I did ask if i could take her out for her birthday next weekend. Give her a chance to dress up and wear her fancy jewelry. She said she would think about it this weekend. We will see. Cant hurt to ask.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Teddie = I have a copy of the paperwork. Yes legal sep is handled just like a divorce here in Ok. Luckily she hates attorney fees as much as me. We already paid one attorney over $20K to handle our son's BS charge. We both divided stuff up equally. I am an Enrolled Agent (Tax Professional) and she still wants me to do hers even if we split officially. She knows I am pure professionalism when it comes to keeping business and personal separate. PLUS confidentiality kicks in between client and Enrolled agent unless criminal activity is going on in Divorce and IRS/State Tax court.
> 
> Bandit= All finances and assets are separated. This was handled while we were living together and during the first week after she moved out. No further credit impact by either party.
> MThomas= The 180 is partially going on as I give her space. The Counselor adn myself agree that doing a full 180 would drive her away into someone else's arms because she is needing that safety net as she deals with her issues.
> ...


You chase they always move farther away.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

She said no. I truly wasn't consciously thinking of it as chasing, but probably so, subconsciously. Either way so be it. Today is her birthday and it has been rough since I usually made plans for us. Funny thing is she is doing the calling and texting more this week over bs reasons. One call was to tell me her back porch light was out for when i walked Dillon that day. When she calls, I try to give short direct answers and get off the phone. These games suck. Probably why I have always hated the dating game. 
On the bright side, I am down 55 pounds and walking everyday for at least 25 mins


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

My first wife pulled the crap- she had to get out and find herself, be on her own, all that- and gave me missed signals and all that. She even sent me something business wise, but had written "Miss you" on it.

All she's doing is getting the courage to brake it off 100%, which is what we ended up doing. With no kids, I haven't talked to her in 12 years maybe. Better that way. She was never coming back and yours won't either.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I had several clients go through this. In one case, the wife was so confused that she thought that she was doing her husband a favor by leaving. It took ten of her friends to gang up on her and tell her she was full of shlt. He kept her at arms length for months because of this, and she had a further epiphany that her actions alienated her husband. It took her a few years to rekindle what she had destroyed.

In another, he dithered and dithered. He was never sure what he wanted. So they separated, and he could never figure it out. She got tired of waiting, and told him that she was going to date. He laughed it off, and within several months had a very nice guy. They were legally separated, so she technically was not cheating. Things followed their natural course and her hubby found out, and attacked the new guy. Idiotic move, as he was charged, and his now STBX told him that she was done with him and the new guy was well on his way to being the new husband. Foolish foolish foolish. He lost a ton in the divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> She said no. * I truly wasn't consciously thinking of it as chasing, but probably so, subconsciously*. Either way so be it. Today is her birthday and it has been rough since I usually made plans for us. Funny thing is she is doing the calling and texting more this week over bs reasons. One call was to tell me her back porch light was out for when i walked Dillon that day. When she calls, I try to give short direct answers and get off the phone. These games suck. Probably why I have always hated the dating game.
> On the bright side, I am down 55 pounds and walking everyday for at least 25 mins


It's a hard habit to break but you need to get out of that mindset. It's best if you limit contact to texts. Civil but short. 

Feeding on breadcrumbs which is what's she throwing out there just makes it easier for her.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. She asked and wanted separation. 

Anytime you try and jump on that bandwagon she'll move away. Hence her turning you down.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most in your situation chase. It always has the opposite affect you want it too.

Don't worry about pushing her away. She already left. Your best chance is to go your own way.

She sees that you don't need her can become attractive. If it doesn't work you'll become detached. 

Whichever way this goes you will be better off and prepared. 

Better wake up and watch your actions.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> She said no. I truly wasn't consciously thinking of it as chasing, but probably so, subconsciously. Either way so be it. Today is her birthday and it has been rough since I usually made plans for us. Funny thing is she is doing the calling and texting more this week over bs reasons. One call was to tell me her back porch light was out for when i walked Dillon that day. When she calls, I try to give short direct answers and get off the phone. These games suck. Probably why I have always hated the dating game.
> On the bright side, I am down 55 pounds and walking everyday for at least 25 mins


Weight loss is great but if it is dropped quickly, it usually returns. Your wife mentions porch lights in hopes of you, being the Mr. Fixer you were, to rush right over and fix it. Dude she fired you as her husband, let HER do it.

The BS texts are exactly that, BS. Luckily I have several guy friends who see right through it. One of them actually recommended me to come here. She expects you to make a grand event out of her birthday, DON'T. Personally I would go NC. But try this, go over and drink coffee on the porch. That's more than what I would do. But it does let her know you still care but the lavishes, are over. You do lavish things for your wife, NOT a friend, g-f, or a separated wife.

MTM I have learned a lot from your thread and I would like to thank you.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Steelman said:


> My first wife pulled the crap- she had to get out and find herself, be on her own, all that- and gave me missed signals and all that. She even sent me something business wise, but had written "Miss you" on it.
> 
> All she's doing is getting the courage to brake it off 100%, which is what we ended up doing. With no kids, I haven't talked to her in 12 years maybe. Better that way. She was never coming back and yours won't either.


Totally agree. A friend's wife tried the miss you and I still love you deal. He wanted things to work out but she pushed him away. The moment he turned away, she lasered in on him. By then it was too late for him. He always said she overplayed her hand. She pestered him for years wanting to come back. He finally blocked her on all devices.

He did not realize HOW miserable he was, until she left. That is why he would never consider another try. Her actions forced him to realize, how miserable he was. Maybe that is the path you are heading towards.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Most in your situation chase. It always has the opposite affect you want it too.
> 
> Don't worry about pushing her away. She already left. Your best chance is to go your own way.
> 
> ...


Listen to what he is saying. As long as you pursue, she is turn off by your actions. Once you pull away, she will begin chase. How much chase, that is the question. Much games being played on her end. You never really miss anything/anyone until, it/they is gone. Harsh reality but it is what it is.

MTM you appear to be a very stand up guy. You are not in the frame to date yet. But meet others, talk, share stories. Everyone talks all about being friend zoned. What if friendship is all you are looking for? I know that is all I want when I start dating.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Thank you all for the comments and you are correct. I have even reduced the amount of words on texts about walking our dog down to ...."Dillon is home." If I have to add anything about his day, it is short. 
This morning she called to let me know a person came by her house looking for our youngest son. After that she said she saw on our google calendar I was walking with a group in another town. I said I was. (This town is where a lady friend of mine lives and the w thinks I have a thing for her) She then said she was going to do her normal saturday stuff and may go out with her BFF if her husband will watch the kids. I said, "I hope you have a good time." Left it at that. I felt she was trying to get me riled up or jealous. Didn't work.

The weight is dropping really quick due to my obesity. My body weight and size requires 3400 calories a day to maintain weight. Just simple reduction of food, counting calories, and walking is all I am doing. Blood Pressure is doing well and Dr thinks I will be off BP pills in 6 months or a year. The big problem of weight gain was due to eating out at least one meal every day and sometimes two. That was our together time due to our careers. We both have made major life changes during the separation. If we do get back together sometime, we will have made some major changes that will help us and the marriage. If we dont...I will be healthier and happier with myself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cut the verbiage. You're doing the "nice them back" routine. This just makes it easier on her and gets you nothing. She's separated from you for a reason. Don't ever discuss what you're doing, etc. she left you and it's none of her business now.

Two reasons why:
It let's them know you are ok without them 
It's the only way they have of missing what you both had

All your current actions are doing is making this easier for her. Why?

Get your own dog and cut that tie.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Cut the verbiage. You're doing the "nice them back" routine. This just makes it easier on her and gets you nothing. She's separated from you for a reason. Don't ever discuss what you're doing, etc. she left you and it's none of her business now.
> 
> Two reasons why:
> It let's them know you are ok without them
> ...


Like this a lot.......Toughen up and get mean, man........


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Thank you all for the comments and you are correct. I have even reduced the amount of words on texts about walking our dog down to ...."Dillon is home." If I have to add anything about his day, it is short.
> This morning she called to let me know a person came by her house looking for our youngest son. After that she said she saw on our google calendar I was walking with a group in another town. I said I was. (This town is where a lady friend of mine lives and the w thinks I have a thing for her) She then said she was going to do her normal saturday stuff and may go out with her BFF if her husband will watch the kids. I said, "I hope you have a good time." Left it at that. I felt she was trying to get me riled up or jealous. Didn't work.
> 
> The weight is dropping really quick due to my obesity. My body weight and size requires 3400 calories a day to maintain weight. Just simple reduction of food, counting calories, and walking is all I am doing. Blood Pressure is doing well and Dr thinks I will be off BP pills in 6 months or a year. The big problem of weight gain was due to eating out at least one meal every day and sometimes two. That was our together time due to our careers. We both have made major life changes during the separation. *If we do get back together* sometime, we will have made some major changes that will help us and the marriage. If we dont...I will be healthier and happier with myself.


The image you are projecting is you and her are still together. You are still interacting with her almost as much as you were when you both lived under the same roof. She is getting to ease out of the marriage slowly, at her own pace. You have been friend zoned.

The longer this goes on, the more I feel she will start seeing someone else. Say what you want but you are not ready for that. If things stay the way they are, you will never be ready. Start detaching yesterday. She is cake eating. Take away the cake MTM.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Not sure why you are so insistent on hanging onto someone who doesn't want you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The most attractive thing you could do in this case:

NOT try to be attractive. Move on. Date other women. Get healthy and fit. Ignore her comments.

HER:"This morning person came by her house looking for our youngest son. I saw on our google calendar I was walking with a group in another town."
YOU: I've got to get to work. Bye.

HER: "I'm going to do normal Saturday stuff and may go out with my BFF if her husband will watch the kids. 
YOU: busy signal. 

You are interacting with her. Allowing her to see that you are pining for her and thereby giving her emotional support. Stop. She doesn't exist. These are the words that should be used with your ex most commonly if you're going to successfully detach from her:
Yes, NO, Let me think about that and get back with you (about your son). Goodbye. 

Every time you respond to her comments, she can feel in your voice that you want her back. Take that away from her. She doesn't deserve it. DETACH. You have a death grip on the last vestiges of HOPE that your wife will suddenly changer her mind. That HOPE is the worst thing for you right now.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

5 days since last post. No initiating contact by me. I have replied to her texts after a good while with straight quick answers. She called once and i called her back hours later. 
Yesterday I came out of my room and she was in the living room with my son and the grandkids. She had "dropped by to so see the grandkids just before work" was her excuse. Never had done that before, She left within 5 mins after that.

Today has been very hard as I deal with this stuff. I took on a part time delivery job to keep me occupied at night during the off season (taxes) Extra money never hurts plus socailization at work will help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> 5 days since last post. No initiating contact by me. I have replied to her texts after a good while with straight quick answers. She called once and i called her back hours later.
> 
> Reply by text only. Civil/short. If needed. She wanted separation. Give her what she wanted.
> 
> ...


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> 5 days since last post. No initiating contact by me. I have replied to her texts after a good while with straight quick answers. She called once and i called her back hours later.
> Yesterday I came out of my room and she was in the living room with my son and the grandkids. She had "dropped by to so see the grandkids just before work" was her excuse. *Never had done that before*, She left within 5 mins after that.
> 
> Today has been very hard as I deal with this stuff. I took on a part time delivery job to keep me occupied at night during the off season (taxes) Extra money never hurts plus socailization at work will help.


That is her excuse to stop by and see why you are not catering to her needs. She was worried you might have considered not jumping through hoops for her. Continue the no contact. And since she has a different residence, change your locks. Do NOT give her one. And if your kids would lend theirs to her, don't give them one either.

For some reason she thinks MTM house is her watering hole. Not any more. Smart move on the side job. Tax people (done that myself) are like seasonal workers at a resort, 12-16 hour days for 4-5 months, 7-8 months crickets. What were your hobbies when you were a kid?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Remove her from your Google calendar. Why on earth does she have access to your schedule? That is wrong on so many levels. Her access to you at this point should only be in regards to logistics for your son. If she wants to know what's going on with him, she should ask him, not you.

Also, I agree with this:


Marc878 said:


> Get your own dog and cut that tie.


It sounds harsh, but seriously, this is one more tie that binds you to a woman who is using you as a emotional crutch while rejecting you as a person and supposedly doesn't want a relationship with you. Cut all possible ties. Do not share information with her. Make sure you have copies of all documents. Close all joint accounts. Etc.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

The Google calendar is so our 2 boys know our schedules. As professionals that have unusual hours, it is needed. At times we are out of contact for hours. This helps us all know who to possibly call. The reason we kept our personal connection is due to knowing who would handle the dog & cats in storms and such. Our home area has excessive iron rich soil so this causes abnormally high ground to air lightning strikes that kills many pets and farm animals. We also live in tornado alley so knowing who is where matters. She works in various locations and is part of the Ok Emergency Rescue Teams. My business is mobile and I go all over Ok and other states to represent tax clients. We also help raise our grandkids so the schedule actually REDUCES phone calls on. It isn't the ideal situation but we have to have someway to make this situation work.

My youngest son and his family live at my house. They were home at the time she dropped by. I have no clue how long she was there before I came out of my room. I cant deny her to see her son and grandchild.

As an Enrolled Agent I do Tax Resolution as well as tax prep in my business. I stay busy year round, BUT there is still a lot of down time if I am not handling a case. As far as hobbies, I read, watch movies, listen to music (still cant cause it brings too many memories up). Now I walk a lot to help clear my head, enjoy nature, and and lose weight.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

With Google calendar, you can decide who can and cannot see your calendar. Your wife doesn't need to see your calendar. I understand what you are saying, but she really doesn't need to know what you are doing at every moment of every day. She should know almost nothing about you. How about having a calendar for your youngest son that you both can see, but she doesn't have access to your calendar?

My family and I have rented from and lived with my mother for over 20 years. My dad divorced her long ago. If I wanted to see my dad or my dad wanted to see me, we went to his house. He rarely came to our place and then it was weird and we didn't do it anymore. I wouldn't want to subject my mother to that stress.

When my dad's wife died and my dad was disabled and had severe memory impairment it wasn't an issue for my mother anymore and we did have him over then because he no longer stressed my mother out and was completely powerless as a person due to his disability.

My point is that there is not reason for her to be in your house.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your children are adults. When they ask for separation you should give it to them unconditionally.

Deep down you can't let go and are trying to stay connected. I doubt that will get you much but ......


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> The Google calendar is so our 2 boys know our schedules. As professionals that have unusual hours, it is needed. At times we are out of contact for hours. This helps us all know who to possibly call. The reason we kept our personal connection is due to knowing who would handle the dog & cats in storms and such. Our home area has excessive iron rich soil so this causes abnormally high ground to air lightning strikes that kills many pets and farm animals. We also live in tornado alley so knowing who is where matters. She works in various locations and is part of the Ok Emergency Rescue Teams. My business is mobile and I go all over Ok and other states to represent tax clients. We also help raise our grandkids so the schedule actually REDUCES phone calls on. It isn't the ideal situation but we have to have someway to make this situation work.
> 
> My youngest son and his family live at my house. They were home at the time she dropped by. I have no clue how long she was there before I came out of my room. I cant deny her to see her son and grandchild.
> 
> As an Enrolled Agent I do Tax Resolution as well as tax prep in my business. I stay busy year round, BUT there is still a lot of down time if I am not handling a case. As far as hobbies, I read, watch movies, listen to music (still cant cause it brings too many memories up). Now I walk a lot to help clear my head, enjoy nature, and and lose weight.



EEEK! Tornado alley. I was only a front line tax person, few accounting courses, 2 year business degree. Last to hire, first to fire after the spring rush.

I told my daughterinlaw years ago she was welcome to stay at home as long as she needed while finishing college. Also if she met her forever dude at a young age, they could move into the back portion of the house to save money for their home. A few friends said that was a horrible idea in which my reply was "so is paying your child and spouse $15k as a wedding gift for a down payment"

There is not a single thing wrong with your wife seeing her son and grandbabies BUT she has her own residence, she can invite them over THERE. She does not want to live with you anymore but refuses to relinquish the perks of doing so. Just as she does with you.

This is a perfect set-up for her. She can pull you back in or push you away at her convenience. This may work for you, at this moment or the next month or so. But she will eventually want to start dating, that is not a prediction, that is a promise. 
When she gets those emotions for another guy, she will push you down the stairs in a heartbeat.

And anytime things do not go as she wants with the new guy, she will reel you back in for a shoulder to cry on and to make the other guy jealous. Would you want that MTM? Of course you could start dating too. But wouldn't that turn into a tit for tat? To make the other jealous or to use someone else to get over your last love? Those actions rarely end well.

Your best and pretty much only option is detachment. Yes you will step on a few people's toes. But you have to do this for you. If you raised your boys as you say you did, they will understand. The longer this goes on, the more ways all this can go. The key is, even with all these ways it can go, none will be in your favor or best interest. 

The longer you wait, the deeper the wounds.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Mobiletaxman said:


> It has been 4 years since i last posted here. It was under another name and TAM has changed their rules on members names. I took a beating back then for many were saying to do 180 and stuff. I refused and we found our love again. She just could never get over the "lost feeling or "Is There Life Out There" feeling. Either way i am allowing her to leave after 29 years. I am 53 she is 46. Boys are out and living their lives. She still loves me, but her "feelings are just too much. Enough on that. My issue is "finding myself" kind of like W is doing. I am at age 53 and alone. I have had someone to take care of since 17 years old and now it is myself and 2 cats. I live in a small town of 40,000. I don't do well in crowds like large churches although I am a Christian. Anway i will post more later. I just had to say something to someone. It is lonely when you are trying to do what's right sometimes.
> BTW, she will move out in 4 weeks so I am trying to do this as nicely as possible for we do want to be friends since we have kids and grandkids.


 Can you provide a link to your original thread?


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Google calendar = I will get one of my sons to remove her from seeing it. I dont know much about this stuff.
As far as Link to original 4 year old thread..... I don't know how to get it since TAM changed their memer rules. I could not sign in after all this time with original username so I had to create new account.

I appreciate all ya are saying. I talked to my youngest son about baby visits. He understands and will do grandma visits at her house. he isnt happy with her anyway.

Mthomas - the video shows on my page but when I click to play, it says "not available" Could you send me a link to the video?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Google calendar = I will get one of my sons to remove her from seeing it. I dont know much about this stuff.
> As far as Link to original 4 year old thread..... I don't know how to get it since TAM changed their memer rules. I could not sign in after all this time with original username so I had to create new account.
> 
> I appreciate all ya are saying. I talked to my youngest son about baby visits. He understands and will do grandma visits at her house. he isnt happy with her anyway.
> ...


Your son gets it. He understands how she has hurt you, because she has hurt the entire family. She can't go on as if she is still welcome in your home when she left you. That's just dumb. She is acting like everything is fine, but it's not. It's not fine at all. Don't feed her fantasy.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Today i got a call from the W that she was ready to do Legal Separation. At 1:15pm I signed the papers. As we left the building she asked for hug if it would not hurt me. I gave her a hug and we both talked and were teary eyed. She said she felt she needed to do this so i would move on. She stated she had not loved me for many years like I deserved and I deserve someone who would love me like that. She did say also that she isn't looking at a divorce nor dating other guys. I am no fool. I know this stuff can/will probably change.

I am not mad. I am hurt for my loss, but I do feel some weight of my shoulders. Had a couple of mini-breakdown moments away from her, but that is expected. 
Life goes on and I still leave this whole mess in God's Hands. All I can control is me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Today i got a call from the W that she was ready to do Legal Separation. At 1:15pm I signed the papers. As we left the building she asked for hug if it would not hurt me. I gave her a hug and we both talked and were teary eyed. She said she felt she needed to do this so i would move on. She stated she had not loved me for many years like I deserved and I deserve someone who would love me like that. She did say also that she isn't looking at a divorce nor dating other guys. I am no fool. I know this stuff can/will probably change.
> 
> Sorry man but you know this is all for her not you. You know what's coming. Try and stay out of denial
> 
> ...


The hug was to make her feel better about what she's doing. Stop playing along. This is doing you no good whatsoever.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Today i got a call from the W that she was ready to do Legal Separation. At 1:15pm I signed the papers. As we left the building she asked for hug if it would not hurt me. I gave her a hug and we both talked and were teary eyed. She said she felt she needed to do this so i would move on. She stated she had not loved me for many years like I deserved and I deserve someone who would love me like that. She did say also that she isn't looking at a divorce nor dating other guys. I am no fool. I know this stuff can/will probably change.
> 
> I am not mad. I am hurt for my loss, but I do feel some weight of my shoulders. Had a couple of mini-breakdown moments away from her, but that is expected.
> Life goes on and I still leave this whole mess in God's Hands. All I can control is me.


As my friend would say, give her exactly what she wants and disappear. She will continue to use you as a life raft, if you allow it. Stop being her safety net. Your kids are grown, have separate residences, there is no reason to communicate. Let her make arrangements to walk the dog. As Marc said, get your own dog.

If this is slow season and you can fit it in, take a 3-4 day trip by yourself. Of course let your kids know but not her. You need out of that environment for awhile. As for you and getting back out there, don't date yet. Just share good company.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Today i got a call from the W that she was ready to do Legal Separation. At 1:15pm I signed the papers. As we left the building she asked for hug if it would not hurt me. I gave her a hug and we both talked and were teary eyed. She said she felt she needed to do this so i would move on. She stated she had not loved me for many years like I deserved and I deserve someone who would love me like that. She did say also that she isn't looking at a divorce nor dating other guys. I am no fool. I know this stuff can/will probably change.
> 
> I am not mad. I am hurt for my loss, but I do feel some weight of my shoulders. Had a couple of mini-breakdown moments away from her, but that is expected.
> Life goes on and I still leave this whole mess in God's Hands. All I can control is me.


Please re-read what you wrote and see that it makes zero sense. She is seeking a legal separation and not a divorce so you can move on and find the love you deserve? How are you supposed to do that while you are still married to her? What is the purpose of a legal separation? She has no intention of working through whatever it is that makes her want to leave. She says she doesn't love you. Then she says you deserve someone who will love you truly. But she's not looking to divorce you! What on earth. Are both of you on some kind of drugs? This is nonsense. 

Yes all you can control is you and God expects you to walk by faith. That means there should be movement on your part. You are to do God's will, not sit around and wait for it to happen to you. That's not how it works. This is silly.


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

In movies, some people at that age separate and then after they enjoy their own space after some time they get back to each other again so that might be her case just let her enjoy alone for some time may she needs the "me time"


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Manknot: It also happens in real life more than I had hoped for. I have talked with over 20 couples who were married for a long time (over 20 years) then separated/divorced over the SPACE issue. They eventually got back together (average time was 4 years with longest at 10 years) Do I expect it to go this way? Not really but i hope so if I am still in love with her when she comes around (that is my fear- to have gotten over her and she wants to return after finding herself)

Cynthia: She never stated she didn't love me. She stated she does not love me the way she THINKS I deserve. My counselor believes she still loves me and the LS is a way for her to cope with her decision that she is struggling with plus her personal conflict between her desires and her love. 

Neither of us is wanting a divorce at this time. The LS idea was put in her head by her (man-hating) mother and some of her friends according to the W. In all other separations the W never asked for LS. The W biggest fear is WANTING to come back to me and then going back through this crippling desire to leave again. This is where i want her to get counseling and i am trying to work with her as much as I can without hurting myself. 

Tomorrow will be 4 months since separation started and 2 months since we moved her out. This morning the W called to see how i was doing? she felt i was not doing well the last 2 times we talked. (son is divorcing his wife and will probably lose his kids. He was laid off from his job the same day.). I told her I was fine about us. My emotions were about our youngest son's issues and my finances since I may have to support him for a bit. (I told my counselor about this call a few mins ago. She says this shows that the W still has deep feelings/love for me. Subconsciously, if not consciously, the W is thinking of me in a way that shows love.)


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Manknot: It also happens in real life more than I had hoped for. I have talked with over 20 couples who were married for a long time (over 20 years) then separated/divorced over the SPACE issue. They eventually got back together (average time was 4 years with longest at 10 years) Do I expect it to go this way? Not really but i hope so if I am still in love with her when she comes around (that is my fear- to have gotten over her and she wants to return after finding herself)
> 
> Cynthia: She never stated she didn't love me. She stated she does not love me the way she THINKS I deserve. My counselor believes she still loves me and the LS is a way for her to cope with her decision that she is struggling with plus her personal conflict between her desires and her love.
> 
> ...


I say this with the utmost respect, you are being a complete fool and wasting your life...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Mobiletaxman said:


> Manknot: It also happens in real life more than I had hoped for. I have talked with over 20 couples who were married for a long time (over 20 years) then separated/divorced over the SPACE issue. They eventually got back together (average time was 4 years with longest at 10 years) Do I expect it to go this way? Not really but i hope so if I am still in love with her when she comes around (that is my fear- to have gotten over her and she wants to return after finding herself)
> 
> Cynthia: She never stated she didn't love me. She stated she does not love me the way she THINKS I deserve. My counselor believes she still loves me and the LS is a way for her to cope with her decision that she is struggling with plus her personal conflict between her desires and her love.
> 
> ...


Your counselor is telling you what you want to hear. Your trying to mind read her to fit a storyline you want. Your wife is done with you, she doesn't hate you but she doesn't love you anymore, at least not in a marriage man/wife way.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

honcho said:


> Your counselor is telling you what you want to hear. Your trying to mind read her to fit a storyline you want. Your wife is done with you, she doesn't hate you but she doesn't love you anymore, at least not in a marriage man/wife way.


That is pretty crazy that the counselor said that unless there's a lot more context that we aren't getting that supports that theory.

My situation sucked beyond all belief like many of us here but the two things I lucked out on were a great lawyer and a great counselor, both of whom never told me things based upon what I wanted to hear, they told me everything for what it was, what was going to happen, etc. Reading these boards I see how important it is to have a good one of each and it's a matter of the draw and not always the case.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your hopium addiction is strong. She’s not getting the chance to miss what she had because you are at her beck and call.

This will work against you but I doubt you’ll stop. Just like last time you were here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are like a kicked pup coming back for a pat on the head. 

But it is your problem. No one here can fix it for you.


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