# i dont know how to deal with this situation



## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

Found out about the affair 1 1/2 yr ago. She is a co-worker, single-mom. H priority is family. I'm confident by that time that it is just a challenge/test to our marriage and that he will choose what is right. But I am shocked that after discovering the affair he told me these line. "I still love u and still want to be with you and the kids but I cant leave her alone coz I'm inlove with her. Give me time and space." And I was stupid enough to think that he will make the right decision. For 1 week, I cant eat and function normally. I'm always crying. Found out who's the OW and went to their office and talk to her. I made sure that their officemates knew the affair thru text. Still H pursued the OW. Tried things that I should not do like reason out, begging, crying etc. But H chooses her so I kicked him out of the house bec of anger. Tried to make him back but he doesnt want. Now after 1 1/2 yrs he says thru text "Remeber this. Its my obligation and responsiblility to u will never end bec. u are my wife. If you cant repay that so be it but that is my stand unti my last breath whether you will give that opportunity or not. You are my spouse even if you dont consider me one anymore." 

I am confuse. Does he want to come back? He doesnt asks for forgiveness or talk about anything but his actions are pointing to that direction that he wants to. By the way, before he just wants to talk about visits to our house for the kids. He even sleeps here often. Im just tired of arguing to him not to. He even asks for a lunch, dinner whenever he is here. (well he mentioned thru text that he wants to go home but not in this situation that im still angry). I did the 180 and the result is this. The problem, I dont know if I still want him to come back. I am *afraid*. I dont know if I still love him. I find that I dont need him that much. I am really confuse. I am beggining to accept my situation that is without a husband but im thinking of my kids. What should I do?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are letting him have his cake and eat it too.

"I love you but I'm in love with her...give me time and space."

Wtf?

Must be nice!! Gawd.

He's living his dream. Why are you allowing it?


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You are letting him have his cake and eat it too.
> 
> "I love you but I'm in love with her...give me time and space."
> 
> ...


:iagree:
OP...it appears to me that you must decide if you want to let him go and move on with your life or you want to mope,grieve,and wait for him and her to fall out so he will come back to you. What about YOU? Sometimes letting go is so very difficult it is like ripping our heart and soul out but it may be the one thing that we have to do no matter how difficult. I just divorced from a very long marriage. I attend a support group for divorced,separated,and widowed people. There are several that have been divorced for years but they won't let go. They are very sad. Do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for a man that loves someone other than you and that has broke your heart? Do you??? What about you?


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## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

I was naive and stupid then. But we are not living in the same house anymore for 1 1/2 yr. He is with his twin brother right now...maybe.. I dont know if he is still. He threatened me b4 that he will go to court to keep our children if I will take/hide the children frm him. So I allowed him to visit the kids as often as he wants. And i did that for the childrens sake. I dont want them to feel that they loss their father. I cant be selfish to my kids.


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## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

Bartimaus, we dont have divorce here in our country. I did let him go. he is the one who doesnt. I really dont know what is going to his life anymore if he is still with the OW. I am not that interested with their affair anymore. Im trying to heal here right now so I divert my attention to myself, my kids, my family and relatives. Well i am ok right now then here HE comes. sigh!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What country doesn't have divorce!?


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## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

Philippines


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It doesn't? Interesting. My uncle lived there and was married to one woman, divorced her and now is married to another woman 20 years younger.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

wifey75 said:


> Bartimaus, we dont have divorce here in our country. I did let him go. he is the one who doesnt. I really dont know what is going to his life anymore if he is still with the OW. I am not that interested with their affair anymore. Im trying to heal here right now so I divert my attention to myself, my kids, my family and relatives. Well i am ok right now then here HE comes. sigh!


I understand. Alot of people have to go through the pain of hearing from and having to communicate with the ex. Forgive me if this sounds heartless but....my ex left me for the fourth time this past autumn. I immediately packed all that she had left here and dropped it off where she lives. I have broke 'all' contact with her also and will continue to do so perhaps for the rest of my life. NOT because I hate her or that I am that bitter. But I had enough of the heartache and pain. I do not want old wounds re-opened nor continued arguements. With her leaving me for the 4th time I decided that I deserve happiness and seeing her only makes life difficult. I understand if you have children and reasons that require you to have to communicate with your ex but for me,it is no contact completely and that is the only way that some can get over the hurt and move on for themselves. If you havn't already,and it's not against your cultural or religious beliefs then make friends with some men that interest you. Don't be silly like me and fall in love with all of them that interest you in the first week,lol. But just let those friendships develop into a possible relationship if it happens. Not sugggesting a 'rebound relationship but this can be something to help you move on with your life if the ex is not interested in you and that ex is making your life difficult still.


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## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

that girl, maybe they filed for annulment or they are not married here in my country.

bartimaus, i am coping now with the help of my family and relatives. And in some ways happy and content with my kids. What I am very confused about is his actions. He is flirting with me which I dont like. I am now sure that I can live without him in my life. And I am not interested with any other men. I am pretty sure I will not look for another partner. One love, one heartache is enough. All I'm asking is 'what if" but I am afraid. Or am I just being stupid again to entertain these thoughts?


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## wifey75 (Jan 28, 2012)

Maybe I just have to take my time. Enjoy what I have right now. Being single again (not having a hubby to take care of). And trust God that everything will be according to his plan. I know God is brewing something better for me. Thanks for the advice.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

wifey75 said:


> Maybe I just have to take my time. Enjoy what I have right now. Being single again (not having a hubby to take care of). And trust God that everything will be according to his plan. I know God is brewing something better for me. Thanks for the advice.


There is a grief period that you have to go through. My suggestion is to not run from the grief,pain,confusion,and all that happens but recognise it and face it,don't run. It does get easier for you though it may take awhile. Be patient,be as postive as you possibly can and have good times with your family and friends. 
But as long as you allow your ex to flirt and play you he probably will. No one deserves to be used and played!


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