# I think My marriage is Done



## Toros (Nov 22, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for four years married for a short 3 months. I don’t exactly know why since getting married everything seems to be magnified but it has been to the point that I think I made a serious mistake. I love my husband but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I think this mostly stems from the fact that I have been hurt to many times and there is never any resolutions or validation on his part. I feel misunderstood and like he gets final say it’s not the partnership I wanted and my needs are not being met and I have tried to tell him to no avail our communication is awful and there is a lot of misunderstandings. 

I don’t know how to fix this and feel overwelmed tiered and like what’s the point it is what it is and no amount of hope or talking is going to change it. My husband is a trucker and works away from home all week home on weekends. I have four kids from a previous relationship. Three live with me they range in age from 9- 19. When we first got together he was home every night then he decided to do long haul for “us”. He has been doing that for two years . When he gets home on weekends he is tiered. Friday evenings are spent with him relaxing and then on his phone or we watch a movie together before bed, Saturday’s are spent running errands and sundays are spent with him relaxing playing a game on his phone or watching 7 hours of football or sports. I don’t feel like he has time for me for us and I feel soooo alone. 

This hurts me so bad but what hurts even more is that our sex life is awful pretty much always has been..... my drive is higher . We have sex about once a month sometimes it goes up to two months. I am 30 and he is 33. I don’t think he’s cheating but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. The message I get from him all the time is that he doesn’t care about my feelings. He threatens to leave sometimes when we argue but it’s just a game to see how I’ll react. I never give him the satisfaction of begging. I tell him to leave and then he turns it around on me and how I have no fight in me I think that hurts his feelings. 

I know he loves me or rather what I do for him. Lately he has been saying he doesn’t feel appreciated and what he is doing “working” for us is for nothing. I can appreciate that he is right I don’t show much appreciation for that as I have realized that it is always about what he wants and never about what I want. He is not a bad guy he works hard, he is a pretty good step dad, he is funny, we used to have fun together, he is supportive in a sense that he talks to me on the phone every day asks how my day was what I’m doing and tries to help from afar. 

He’s at a loss as to why I would feel the way I do and doesn’t understand it. I am so sad that this marriage isn’t working out but I don’t know how to fix it. He wouldn’t go to counselling as he just doesn’t have the time to with his work schedule. He won’t realize what he had until we are gone and that’s so sad. Thanks for reading.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## Toros (Nov 22, 2017)

I have been thinking a lot lately and so I am wondering if it’s possible to save things by changing the way I have been looking at things?I know he loves us in the way he knows how to by providing for us. I think I have been blaming him for my unhappiness but it’s really myself I’m unhappy with....I haven’t exactly been the best version of myself lately. I have been out of a job the last two months and have had to rely on him and I think he was resenting that and the extra pressure that placed on him and I already felt bad and so we were both negative in our own ways. In any case I found a job and start in two weeks. Maybe that will make things more bearable.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

It sounds like your love language is quality time. As a first step, you could talk to him and try building in more quality time together. And sitting next to each other watching TV isn't really quality time.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

How long did you date before marrying?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

introvert said:


> How long did you date before marrying?


She said they dated for 4 years married for 3 months.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it would better for him to have a job where he isn't away all week. Also you are right, its not his job to meet all your needs. Do you have friends? Hobbies and interests? 

Try and get him to go to MC, you will learn how to communicate better. 
You did choose to marry him as he was, and now you are trying to change him. Love and accept him as he is.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Do you really have a 19 yr old child and you are only 30? Where's the fourth child, btw? Old enough to have left home?


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## Toros (Nov 22, 2017)

Yes AngelWings I really do I had him when I was 14. He is living with friends and is doing pretty well. I am proud of the man he is becoming. He was a very difficult teenager tho.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Toros said:


> My husband and I have been together for four years married for a short 3 months. I don’t exactly know why since getting married everything seems to be magnified but it has been to the point that I think I made a serious mistake. I love my husband but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I think this mostly stems from the fact that I have been hurt to many times and there is never any resolutions or validation on his part. I feel misunderstood and like he gets final say it’s not the partnership I wanted and my needs are not being met and I have tried to tell him to no avail our communication is awful and there is a lot of misunderstandings. I don’t know how to fix this and feel overwelmed tiered and like what’s the point it is what it is and no amount of hope or talking is going to change it. My husband is a trucker and works away from home all week home on weekends. I have four kids from a previous relationship. Three live with me they range in age from 9- 19. When we first got together he was home every night then he decided to do long haul for “us”. He has been doing that for two years . When he gets home on weekends he is tiered. Friday evenings are spent with him relaxing and then on his phone or we watch a movie together before bed, Saturday’s are spent running errands and sundays are spent with him relaxing playing a game on his phone or watching 7 hours of football or sports. I don’t feel like he has time for me for us and I feel soooo alone. This hurts me so bad but what hurts even more is that our sex life is awful pretty much always has been..... my drive is higher . We have sex about once a month sometimes it goes up to two months. I am 30 and he is 33. I don’t think he’s cheating but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. The message I get from him all the time is that he doesn’t care about my feelings. He threatens to leave sometimes when we argue but it’s just a game to see how I’ll react. I never give him the satisfaction of begging. I tell him to leave and then he turns it around on me and how I have no fight in me I think that hurts his feelings. I know he loves me or rather what I do for him. Lately he has been saying he doesn’t feel appreciated and what he is doing “working” for us is for nothing. I can appreciate that he is right I don’t show much appreciation for that as I have realized that it is always about what he wants and never about what I want. He is not a bad guy he works hard, he is a pretty good step dad, he is funny, we used to have fun together, he is supportive in a sense that he talks to me on the phone every day asks how my day was what I’m doing and tries to help from afar. He’s at a loss as to why I would feel the way I do and doesn’t understand it. I am so sad that this marriage isn’t working out but I don’t know how to fix it. He wouldn’t go to counselling as he just doesn’t have the time to with his work schedule. He won’t realize what he had until we are gone and that’s so sad. Thanks for reading.





Toros said:


> Yes AngelWings I really do I had him when I was 14. He is living with friends and is doing pretty well. I am proud of the man he is becoming. He was a very difficult teenager tho.


You say in your first post that you are 30. You would have been 11 years old giving birth to have a 19 year old child. 
Asking for clarity of what you wrote because I would like to understand the entire situation fully. 

P.S. I'm a butterfly not an angel


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## Toros (Nov 22, 2017)

I do have friends although most of my friends live in a different city as we moved away almost a year ago I don’t have many hobbies at least not out of the house and we probably couldn’t afford them at this point . I started dancing and exercising in the house again as I had stopped that for a bit. Someday when I have the time and money I would love to take some dance classes. Diana I think that is some pretty sound advice so thank you. After doing a lot of thinking I have realized that we are usually a great team with the exception when there is big life changes and I am having trouble adjusting, such as when we first moved here , first got married and my dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer , I’m out of a job near Christmas ( not for much longer),and we are battling fleas with our dogs and cats. It can get overwhelming dealing with this and not having my husband here..... The plan is for me to focus on getting my drivers license in the spring and then me getting a Nursing job which would allow my hubby to be home as we will then be able to afford it.


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## Toros (Nov 22, 2017)

Sorry I meant to say vibrant Wings and I am 33 he is 35. I don’t know why I put 30 and made that mistake twice, wishful thinking lol.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Toros said:


> I do have friends although most of my friends live in a different city as we moved away almost a year ago I don’t have many hobbies at least not out of the house and we probably couldn’t afford them at this point . I started dancing and exercising in the house again as I had stopped that for a bit. Someday when I have the time and money I would love to take some dance classes. Diana I think that is some pretty sound advice so thank you. After doing a lot of thinking I have realized that we are usually a great team with the exception when there is big life changes and I am having trouble adjusting, such as when we first moved here , first got married and my dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer , I’m out of a job near Christmas ( not for much longer),and we are battling fleas with our dogs and cats. It can get overwhelming dealing with this and not having my husband here..... The plan is for me to focus on getting my drivers license in the spring and then me getting a Nursing job which would allow my hubby to be home as we will then be able to afford it.




Get the high end Advantix for fleas — that is what finally saved our sanity when we had a horrific flea infestation with our cats. My H said the brand name Advantix is what finally got it under control and that all of the less expensive versions of it were a waste of money. We have 5 cats and he flea dipped, washed and combed out the eggs on all five of them 4 times (I was on contract to a facility about 2 1/4 hours away and working tons of overtime so he did it without help lol)  He also found glue traps at Home Depot with replaceable liners that have a light in them — the fleas were attracted to the light especially at night and then got caught in the glue. This is the replacement liner, can’t find the actual traps right now:










We had 6 of those traps throughout the house and whenever he noticed they amount of fleas in the trap was sharply declining he would move the trap to a different area in the room. Not guaranteed to resolve your infestation but thought I’d pass on what worked for us


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Toros

Do you have a job outside of the home?

It's true that no one can meet 100% of another person's emotional needs, it's also true that a married couple needs to work to meet as much of each other's needs as possible. 

Cleary your husband is not meeting your need for non-sexual and sexual intimacy. And you should not feel guilty or like you are expecting too much from him wanting him to meet those needs.

The two of you are separated most of the time, so it would make sense that when he is home, your relationship should be the priority. He instead seems to think that him chilling out is the priority. He seems to have little interest in an actual relationship with you. Maybe he needs to find another job. One where he can be home every day because he clearly is not handing the distance between you that is caused by him being away most of the time. Few marriages can survive the kind of job that he has.

There are two books that I think would help you. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". My suggesting is that you read both of the books and do the work that they suggest. Then you ask them to read them. And then the two of you do the work together. The reason I suggest that you read them first and do the work first is because you will learn what your needs are and be better prepared to talk to him about it.

It generally takes a couple spending 15 hours a week in quality time together, just the two of you, to maintain the bond and desire (passion) in marriage. That means time without children, family, friends, etc. Clearly the two of you are spending zero quality time (watching TV is not quality time). So of course your relationship is falling apart.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Toros said:


> I do have friends although most of my friends live in a different city as we moved away almost a year ago I don’t have many hobbies at least not out of the house and we probably couldn’t afford them at this point . I started dancing and exercising in the house again as I had stopped that for a bit. Someday when I have the time and money I would love to take some dance classes. Diana I think that is some pretty sound advice so thank you. After doing a lot of thinking I have realized that we are usually a great team with the exception when there is big life changes and I am having trouble adjusting, such as when we first moved here , first got married and my dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer , I’m out of a job near Christmas ( not for much longer),and we are battling fleas with our dogs and cats. It can get overwhelming dealing with this and not having my husband here..... The plan is for me to focus on getting my drivers license in the spring and then me getting a Nursing job which would allow my hubby to be home as we will then be able to afford it.


I understand as we moved last year to a new part of the country(UK) and I still miss my old friends a lot. Do you take your dogs for walks? Thats often a good time to chat to people and get to know them. 
We are fortunate in that we go to church so have got to know people there, but it does take time whatever you do. 
I am sure it will get better when he can be there more during the week.


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