# Lots of Problems



## bijounk (Aug 6, 2009)

I have serious problems with sex and my husband is a fiend. He is very large down there and I am very small. He isn't my first, though I've only had one other who was much smaller, and sex was great between us for the two years we were together. I know some of it can be psychological since my mind might say, "wow, that's big, how will that fit?" and then I will tense and it will naturally hurt. But I've even tried it stoned and drunk, without any inhibitions and it still hurts a LOT. We've had start to finish sex, but it always involves me laying motionless, in agonizing pain while he finishes. It isn't fair, especially since I had previously enjoyed sex a lot with my ex.

But wait, there's more...
I told my husband, before he was my husband, that it was really horrible for me to have sex with him, so he assured me that it was ok, that foreplay was sufficient, then I found a lot of porn. More than once. That he lied up and down about. That totally screwed me up and turned me off from sex altogether. I don't even want it anymore. I don't ever even get the urge to have it with anyone, big or small. We've been trying to work on it, and things had gotten better (back to foreplay being sufficient) until I accidentally found a lot of very hardcore porn on his PHONE because he knew I could find it on the computer (he's technologically retarded)! I was trying to send a song from his phone to mine when this porn folder opened and showed me what kind of man I really married, a lying, weak, disgusting pervert who would choose his own infantile pleasure at the expense of his wife's very stable sense of self-worth and dignity. I used to enjoy pleasing him but now I'm disgusted and want him as far away from me as possible. I know he didn't physically cheat on me, and the porn isn't even completely the problem. I just can't trust him. He lies. If he lies about some stupid porn on his phone, why wouldn't he lie about an affair? I'm obviously not enough for him, and he won't help me to be.

And what ****es me off even more is that at the VERY start of all of this, our relationship, I told him it was ok if he looked at porn since I obviously couldn't please him, as long as he didn't lie about it. He has totally disrespected me, on many occasions, hurt me, made me feel even more insecure than I ever had (which I didn't think was possible at the time), and I don't even know if I want to be married to him anymore. I feel like it might be better to get out of this now before we're married for too long and I have to suffer even more. He's the sweetest person in the world to me, treats me like gold, makes me happy, but when the lights go out, I don't even know who's in bed next to me. He's a self-involved animal.

Please, please help. The problem is obviously both of us. What can we do?


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

How is he a self involved animal? Wanting to have 'real' sex with your wife does not make one an animal. Even having pages of porn on your phone does not. Substituting fantasy for something you should be getting may even be normal in some cases.

It sounds to me like you have some issues to work on yourself. First, your self esteem. Obviously being 'unable' to have sex with your mate is not a good thing at all, not just for him, but for YOU. If I were you I first see a gyno for a serious exam to be sure you have no medical abnormalities and that your normal down there. Then I would look up vaginismus and its 'treatment' and begin there. Your vagina is capable of birthing a baby. Unless your man is a one of a kind first ever in the human race freak of nature I seriously doubt his penis is the size of a newborn infant. In my opinion, based upon what you said here, you need to get over this hurdle of 'no sex'. That in itself would likely do wonders for your own self esteem. It would definitely do wonders for a marriage relation. The sexual bond a couple develops has influence on many other aspects of their life. Sex isnt supposed to be about just you pleasing him with petting, its supposed to be about mutual pleasure when you couple together. That union is one essential ingredient to marital happiness.

I would not consider continuing in this 'no sex' except foreplay mode. Its not working. No matter what he says it wont work...for either of you. It might be different if you became a paraplegic or something and already had a strong sexual bond. But I dont think it ever will this way. Please see a Dr and look after yourself.
You wont regret it. There really is hope for you. You are not alone.
There is likely nothing 'wrong' with your body and I seriously doubt his penis is 'too big' to be used. 

Please know I am not attacking you. 
Good luck to you.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bijounk said:


> And what ****es me off even more is that at the VERY start of all of this, our relationship, I told him it was ok if he looked at porn


I told my h the same thing! i know just how you feel. in the beginning of my relationship with my H i knew he looked at porn, i didnt really care and told him so, but then things started getting bad between us. i asked if he was looking at porn (because he wasnt interested in me) and he said no. liar. he was. i found it. 

i know how bad the deception hurts. i know its not just about the porn (although i think that adds icing on the cake). its just horrible to find out that the person that was supposed to love, honor, and cherish you is hiding all kinds of crap from you. i found out my H was not the person i thought he was. its just horrible. it was so surreal. 

i dont know if you should stay or go (i debate this with myself on a weekly basis as it is) but i can tell you that for my H and i, the fights were ugly and persistent for three years. its not fun. its hell. for awhile.


----------



## bijounk (Aug 6, 2009)

First, thank you so much, Blanca for your response. It's strangely comforting to know that someone else has dealt with this. It would be nice to keep in touch with you here so we might be able to help each other. Two heads are better than one 



hitched4ever said:


> How is he a self involved animal? *1. Wanting to have 'real' sex with your wife does not make one an animal.* Even having pages of porn on your phone does not. *2. Substituting fantasy for something you should be getting may even be normal in some cases.*
> *
> 3. It sounds to me like you have some issues to work on yourself. First, your self esteem.* Obviously being 'unable' to have sex with your mate is not a good thing at all, not just for him, but for YOU. *4. If I were you I first see a gyno for a serious exam to be sure you have no medical abnormalities and that your normal down there.* Then I would look up vaginismus and its 'treatment' and begin there. Your vagina is capable of birthing a baby. Unless your man is a one of a kind first ever in the human race freak of nature I seriously doubt his penis is the size of a newborn infant. *5. In my opinion, based upon what you said here, you need to get over this hurdle of 'no sex'. That in itself would likely do wonders for your own self esteem.* It would definitely do wonders for a marriage relation. The sexual bond a couple develops has influence on many other aspects of their life. *6. Sex isnt supposed to be about just you pleasing him with petting, its supposed to be about mutual pleasure when you couple together.* That union is one essential ingredient to marital happiness.
> 
> ...


What you just said was so unthoughtful and cruel and put me into tears. Congratulations, I didn't even cry when I found the porn on his phone and he lied to my face about it while I had it in my hand, nor had I ever cried when he violently shoved himself inside of me when he knew it hurt me a lot, and NEVER did I cry every time we were laying in bed and I could feel him trying to h**p me while I slept. This, in my honest opinion, does allow me to label him an animal when you put your primal wants ahead of your own wife's feelings and mental stability and then LIE ABOUT IT. I didn't think I had to elaborate in great detail "intimate" instances, but apparently it's necessary to get my point across. Your words were out ignorance and clearly from someone who has never had these problems.

2. Who says someone SHOULD be getting sex?! Just because we're married doesn't mean I OWE him sex! We didn't get married so we'd have permanent **** buddies, we did it because we're supposed to have loved AND respected each other. We aren't in a country where marital rape is legal and men are expected to get whatever they want whenever they want it! It's not like I just decided one day, "hey, I think I'm going to deprive my husband of sex for the rest of our lives."

3. I never had esteem problems, especially sexually, until I was with him. I told him I needed to take it slowly since things hadn't ended well with the boyfriend before him (and in case I have to elaborate, we used to have fantastic sex almost daily, and then I found out he was cheating on me AND had LOTS of really, really graphic porn on his computer, which he then tried to lie about. Not only that, but I grew up with him and we were best friends before we dated. Is that bad enough to constitute it being his fault and not because of my odd psychosis and lack of self esteem?) and he didn't respect me then and he's not respecting me now. How am I supposed to feel good about myself when my husband stares at other girls on the computer, phone, and in public, while knowing full well that even when we were having sex, I wasn't good enough. HOW?! I've seen two different therapists and they both were totally useless, giving me ridiculous cliches that I could have picked up from a dollar store calendar. I am attractive, thin, talented and intelligent, but none of that means anything unless I can put out, and according to you, that would be true of any man I might end up with. So thanks, you helped my self esteem out wonderfully.

4. I have and I'm fine. She said "try lube" and I was like, "thanks, genius, like I hadn't considered that." I also talked to my regular doctor and no one seems to care. Seriously. No one cares.

5. Thanks, that was very insightful.

6. I know what sex is SUPPOSED to be, I had it before him and it was awesome, like I said. My last boyfriend was awesome in bed, but everything else between us sucked, which is why I left and ended up with my sweet, caring husband (no sarcasm intended, he really is). What I'm saying is that it isn't good now, and I came here looking for advice, not a laundry list of things that are wrong with me. I know there are things wrong with me and *I* know what they are, but it isn't ALL my fault, despite your opinion. I just came here looking for someone who would understand and might point out something I missed because I have no one.

He lied. It hurt. He's lied from day one. It's messed me up. Now I can't function and his size doesn't help. I understand female anatomy, I understand that it's a muscle that can be stretched, and trust me, I tried "stretching" for him, lots of painful, disturbing practice, but it was always painful and he never seemed to care.

Outside of the bedroom, we have a great relationship, we have fun, get along blah blah blah. I just think that the hurt of being lied to and made to feel insufficient is outweighing all of the good things at this point. I was just hoping for someone who is/was in a similar situation to help me out a little, not for someone to ridicule me. I know you think you're on my side, and I appreciate the long response and the time that you took to write it, but you could have put a little more thought and sensitivity into it instead of pointing out the obvious and spitting cliches about what sex is SUPPOSED to be.

If anyone has any REAL advice or want to share their story, I would really appreciate it. I really don't take offense to things easily, you can tell me that I suck and should never be with another man ever again, I can handle that, and might even agree. Just don't reiterate everything I said that was bad about myself and then tell me it's my fault and that I'm the only one with a problem and that he's a freakin' saint for lying to me and that he DESERVES sex from me. Oh yes, the mighty penis rules the world and should have everything it wants, especially from its wife.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

bijounk..I am sorry you are going through this. Take a deep breath for a second.

Ok...

Many of the posters here (myself included) come from the point of view of being sexually frustrated because our spouse doesn't have as high a sex drive as we do. We feel the pain, and frustration of not being desirable to our spouse, of seeing what we want every day...but being just out of reach. It is hell, and it tints advice we give.

In your case though...the primary problem is physical. Your husband's size is just too big to be enjoyable to you. In fact it is too big to be anything but painful? (sometimes I'm happy to be completely average!) Your ob/gyn, or general doctor probably didn't provide help because they just don't understand, and there is probably not a lot they can do since the pain is from sheer size and not something like lack of lubrication.

You know the bad news. This basic incompatibility is not going to go away. So the two of you have to find ways to be sexually happy with each other aside from penetration.

Believe me, I know how rotten you must feel, and how inadequate. But you aren't! You can't help how your body was made, and he can't help how his was.

Now think about how he feels. He has this beautiful woman who he wants disparately, and who wants him. But there is just one little (or more appropriately...big) problem. Maybe on an intellectual level, he understands why he can't, and that it hurts you. But on an emotional level, he's a man...and (I speak from personal experience) the act of sex is the strongest way to feel closer to you, and to improve his intimacy with you. But he can't. Oh, he can tell you it doesn't matter, maybe even convince himself when he says it...but deep down it does matter to him.

So here he is...completely sexually frustrated through no fault of either of you. What does he do? He looks at porn...which you said you were ok with in the beginning. But there's just one thing...in the back of his mind he knows that you will be hurt by it. So he hides it. He lies about it. He doesn't want to hurt you. Now I'm not saying he is blameless for doing it in the first place. I'm just trying to think about his side of this story.

The physical problem isn't going to go away. If the two of you keep on the same path, sex is always going to be a barrier between the two of you. So both of you need to find other ways to make sex a loving, intimate, fulfilling experience of both of you, without intercourse. Not an easy task at all!

Have you tried a sex therapist instead of a doctor? Perhaps the two of you together with a sex therapist would let you approach sex from a different perspective (like Tantric)? Change the goal from intercourse to intimacy? If he can get on board with the idea, and the two of you start having encounters that are fulfilling for both of you, his primary reason for hiding porn might just evaporate.


----------



## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

Dear bijounk,

I am very sorry for your situation. I can only imagine how difficult it is when sex is painful. I know many people on this site find nothing wrong with porn. I disagree, but that is because I've had an addiction to it. I think in the long run it causes a wedge in any relationship (whether the users realize it or not)

I won't go anymore into that, I just wanted to say that I understand how the porn and the lying about it hurt you. But I also want you to realize your husband's point of view. 

You wrote, "Just because we're married doesn't mean I OWE him sex! We didn't get married so we'd have permanent **** buddies, we did it because we're supposed to have loved AND respected each other."

Your husband *may* feel like he did expect sex from marriage (whether he said so, or not). Many men equate being loved and respected with sex. You obviously do not, but imagine if he said he was loving you, but was not affectionate, romantic, or fill in the blank with whatever action he does that makes you feel loved.

I have a very high libido, and my wife was in deep depression, and didn't want sex at all for a time. It was torture for me. I do not condone what I did, but that is why I turned to porn as an outlet. I did not consider my self an animal, but I felt like I *needed sex.

All of that was to say, please try to be understanding and forgiving, even when he is in the wrong.

As far as your sex life. I'm not saying you should endure extreme pain just to fulfill his needs, but be aware that he has this need for other outlets. I do not know what you meant by "only foreplay" but perhaps oral sex is an option for both of you to find some satisfaction and sexual release.

I wish you the best.*


----------



## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

DownButNotOut said:


> bijounk..I am sorry you are going through this. Take a deep breath for a second.
> 
> Ok...
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

First I am very sorry I hurt your feelings. Truth isnt always what we want to hear when we're hurt, and I do know that full well. 

If you came here for pity then I have none for you.
Compassion? Yes! 
An unbiased response? Yes!
A truthful honest response? Yes!
A response based upon my own experience? Yes!!

And, I will tell you that my response was/is based upon living a long life and having a 35 year relationship with one woman. I am neither ignorant nor uninformed on your issue. 

There are two issues here.

1. No 'normal' sexual relations between husband and wife

2. Deceit about porn


Love is selfless. Its an action. NOT an emotion or a feeling. If you have the wonderful relationship with your husband that you describe, and you truly love him, your actions will demonstrate that. 

Again dealing with number one. Your description that marriage is about more then sex and being f&^%buddies has truth to it. BUT....whether you want to believe it or not the sexual relationship is an integral part of any happy marriage. Its CRUCIAL even. To deny this even slightly is naive.

You say you have seen Dr's and 'no one cares'. 
Its very likely the reason they show no concern is that they see nothing wrong with you. Involuntary spasms of the pelvic floor and sexual pain in a woman are often completely undetected in physical exams. This 'condition' is both physical and mental. You cannot afford FOR YOURSELF to leave it at that.
You must seek information and advice from a source that understands this issue. Its for YOUR OWN good. And if you love your husband you will desire to please him too. This is a TWO WAY street. Any desire to have a wonderful marriage without a normal sexual relationship is likely an unrealistic pipe dream.
That is a fact you should face. 

Which brings us to number 2.
Deceipt is never a positive factor, in any context. Obviously your mate must come to this conclusion as well. You cannot force such a decision on his part. Only lovingly seek. He should desire to please you. He should love you selflessly as well. 
But, if you expect that his desire to please should include no normal sexual relations that's unlikely to ever work. It hasnt worked so far or you wouldnt be here.
Obviously you must loving convey your concerns to him.
He should stop lying to you. He should not want to hurt you.

Trust, forgiveness, & love are all gifts. They are yours to give. He can not earn them. They are given by you and that is by your choice. 

Obviously you have issues with his sexual tastes. In some ways that is your problem. In others it may be his. You did not give specifics. Regardless of those specifics, if you love your husband your actions will demonstrate that. I really doubt however that you will be able to reach him until working out some of your own issues. This is obviously not what you wish to hear but its the honest truth. 

I can tell you from my own experience that the hardest thing to do when hurt in a marriage relation is to give up self pity. 
It can be overwhelming even. Thats one reason many marriages (even many here)continue to limp along in agony, with one partner or the other dragging their pain along like an ulcer. This IS a choice! I know from experience!! The best thing one can do if they desire a happy marriage is get past the hurt and make a choice to forgive, love, and DO whatever it takes to make things right, EVEN when their spouse isnt yet on the same page. This is VERY difficult. Human nature often dictates selfishness. But love is selfless.

Please please please...for yourself...look into vaginismus. 
There are many internet resources for this. Also as others have indicated, seek a sexual therapist. Youre worth it! Youre relationship is worth it!!
Take care of yourself so that you can be a healthy sexual person. You will be in a much better position to then deal with your mate and any problems he may have. You should be working out these things together.


----------



## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

bijounk said:


> I have serious problems with sex and my husband is a fiend. He is very large down there and I am very small. He isn't my first, though I've only had one other who was much smaller, and sex was great between us for the two years we were together. I know some of it can be psychological since my mind might say, "wow, that's big, how will that fit?" and then I will tense and it will naturally hurt. But I've even tried it stoned and drunk, without any inhibitions and it still hurts a LOT. We've had start to finish sex, but it always involves me laying motionless, in agonizing pain while he finishes. It isn't fair, especially since I had previously enjoyed sex a lot with my ex.


Well first off stop letting him penetrate you if it hurts, that should be self evident and its only going to cause more problems.

This whole thing about a guy being too big is a bit of a myth. Biologically there should be no reason why you can't be penetrated by a man of whatever size that's what the vagina is designed for, your real problem is that your tensing up.

The first thing to do is to have sex with him comfortably, don't worry so much about it being good or about you orgasaming once you manage it once you'll find it easier in future. 

Rather than relying on foreplay with your husband (because that obviously isn't working) go into the toilet before sex and sort yourself out, whether its with a sex toy or a hair brush use an object by yourself untill you feel your comfortably able to fit your husbands **** inside you.

This really isn't rocket science there's absolutly no reason why you should be in pain during sex.

As for the porn thing you told him it was ok didn't you. so what's the issue porn is what it is, once you've sorted the sex out tell him you have a problem with porn and you don't want him looking at it.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bijounk said:


> First, thank you so much, Blanca for your response. It's strangely comforting to know that someone else has dealt with this. It would be nice to keep in touch with you here so we might be able to help each other. Two heads are better than one


sure, pm me if you'd like. i know what you are going through. i heard all the same stories you are hearing from others in one form or another (the self esteem issue never fails to avail itself). try not to take it personally. its just an opinion. just take what is helpful, and leave the rest.

IMO, i dont care what my relationship was like, or what excuses my H had for lying to me the way he did, and treating me the way he did. before it was the porn, now its anxiety problems (or something). 

its a trend of dishonesty from him, dishonest communication. bullsh*t is what it really is.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Blanca said:


> (the self esteem issue never fails to avail itself).


In this case some esteem issues are clear based upon the info given. Not a big surprise given the physical issue and actions of hubby. Cant say that relates to anything in your case.

However, lets be clear, working on ones own issues does NOT imply ANY blame for the actions of the other partner. But, one can hardly expect their partner to live up to their 50% of the marriage relation or make up for their shortfall. One can only do everything that they can do, even when their partner does not. Her partner is not here asking for help, she is. And bettering herself, taking care of herself, is what she can do, and would be in her best interest.

This is something that one will either come to understand or not. 

If not understood, one will NEVER and I do mean never, be completely happy in marriage.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is there something in particular about the kind of porn that you found that really bothers you the most? I can certainly understand being upset that he lied to you especially when you were clear that you understood that you couldn't give him what he wanted in the first place. You wanted transparency and trust and he refused you that. But then you found something that disturbed you more than just his using porn. What was it?

I think the two of you discussed sex and outlets because you had this discussion about porn as a substitute. So I don't know why these guys are getting all over you. And, your husband knew that you had problems accomodating his size and yet he married you anyway. So you were both aware of the situation. Somehow you're getting blamed when your husband entered into the situation with his eyes wide open, too. That's not fair.

Most of the guys that get little sex in marriage saw signs that it would be that way well before they said "I do" and yet they still said it. It isn't that I don't feel sorry for them because I do. But I also don't think that complaining about it helps. It certainly doesn't make wives more receptive. Complaining is just another form of blame. It is destructive.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

dobo said:


> I don't know why these guys are getting all over you. And, your husband knew that you had problems accomodating his size and yet he married you anyway. So you were both aware of the situation. Somehow you're getting blamed when your husband entered into the situation with his eyes wide open, too. That's not fair.


Maybe you need to read more carefully. No one is 'blaming' her for anything. Regardless of how 'aware' they were of the 'problem' the course of action they took isnt working. Nor will it. Did you miss that???

There is no blame. But rather there is hope! There are answers to the 'problem'. Its about 100% 'curable'. Ignoring that or refusing to take action for ones own good will help no one, especially this dear lady.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hitched4ever said:


> In this case some esteem issues are clear based upon the info given. Not a big surprise given the physical issue and actions of hubby. Cant say that relates to anything in your case.


ya i agree with you. it is evident that there are some self-esteem issues present. like you said, who doesnt have that little bit of doubt about themselves, or who doesnt feel so much better after a compliment from their spouse, or a great bout of sex? and of course who's self-esteem wouldnt suffer under such circumstances as *bijounk*, or mine. Yes, i am sure its there. 

However, I was never bothered by porn before. ive dated guys who looked, and i knew my H looked. So what changed? My self-esteem? Perhaps, but drastically? No, i dont think so. I think about *bijounk* problems often and i really feel for her. I think about what she must have gone through day in and day out trying to help the relationship, going to doctors getting herself probed, being in physical pain trying to please him, worrying about pleasing him, and trying to come up with a solution. I shake my head knowing she must have had the very numerous conversations ive had with my H, where i pour my heart out, vexed and confused, only to receive a nod of the head and a blank stare in return. and after all that, to find what he's been doing to help the relationship. i think about the road she's set on now, and what she'll have to struggle with. And i dont know about *bijounk*, but there are deeper implications that i wouldnt write about here. 

So i guess self-esteem is muttled in there some where and on the surface its very easy to point a finger at it. but its contribution is so slight that, in mathematical terms, as far as calculating how much change self-esteem contributes to the overall solution to this problem, its amount is negligible and can be excluded. She can work on it if she wants, but it will not make that much of a difference and will only subtract energy from the areas that really contribute to the change in this equation. that has been my experience, at least.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I think about *bijounk* problems often and i really feel for her. I think about what she must have gone through day in and day out trying to help the relationship, going to doctors getting herself probed, being in physical pain trying to please him, worrying about pleasing him, and trying to come up with a solution....
> 
> ...in mathematical terms, as far as calculating how much change self-esteem contributes to the overall solution to this problem, its amount is negligible and can be excluded. She can work on it if she wants, but it will not make that much of a difference and will only subtract energy from the areas that really contribute to the change in this equation. that has been my experience, at least.


I dont really concur in general. 
Self esteem, although affected and perhaps a 'result' of what things we have experienced, has a lot to do with how we react to and handle things. Example: If I have low self esteem and confidence and my wife makes some sexy joke about me not being able to 'get it up' I will likely be unable to perform. If I do not suffer from self confidence/esteem issues I would likely laugh and respond that she should "flip over and find out!" 

This might be a silly little example but the principle is true and also true in all other areas of life and marriage.

As for this dear lady, the best thing she can do immediately is to help herself. There is no reason to throw hands in the air in despair even though one might feel like it. There is no need to condemn oneself to live with sexual pain or think there is no hope for a normal sexual relation. My heart goes out to her. And this problem can be addressed. Being that her own account of issues primarily relate to sexual matters, whether sexual pain, porn, or 'tastes' etc, I dont think one can separate that from the whole problem picture. Its part of it, and a part she can address immediately. There is hope!! There is help. She is not alone. 

In order to really have any real meaningful influence on our spouse when they are 'in the wrong' we really need to have our own selves in order. That's what people pay thousands to find out in counseling. We cant tell her hubby things to do, he's not here. She's the one that is. So, that is where things begin.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hitched4ever said:


> As for this dear lady, the best thing she can do immediately is to help herself. There is no reason to throw hands in the air in despair even though one might feel like it.
> 
> In order to really have any real meaningful influence on our spouse when they are 'in the wrong' we really need to have our own selves in order.


yes, the real question is in how to approach healing. In my personal experience tackling my self-esteem actually took me en route to a disaster. I think by trying to enhance, protect, or otherwise 'cure' my low self-esteem i ended up doing more damage to myself and my relationship. 

I just read *Lostandconfused's* post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/6973-what-now-2.html (post #24) and i was so touched. i feel her words capture the essence of the struggle.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I just read *Lostandconfused's* post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/6973-what-now-2.html (post #24) and i was so touched. i feel her words capture the essence of the struggle.


I wouldnt disagree. 
And that is the real battle, I know from experience.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hitched4ever said:


> I wouldnt disagree.
> And that is the real battle, I know from experience.


Ah, i see. i guess for some it may be a self-esteem issue, then. i suppose its a different struggle for each person.


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Ah, i see. i guess for some it may be a self-esteem issue, then. i suppose its a different struggle for each person.


I think the struggle is the basically same for all...either one can truly love and put their mate first or they cant. One can in the essence of true love be selfless or they cant. One can face their own shortcomings and or contributions to issues or they cant. Doing so doesnt absolve the other party of their part. If my wife is a 'cheat' when its all boiled away and I stop crying, the only thing I can do if I truly love her is be the best damned husband there is. She will either see that and change her ways or she wont. BUT, I still owe it to myself to be the best I can be, improving myself, and not be a retaliator or contributor to the problem(s) 

This is not easy. Thats why so many fail.


----------



## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

bijounk said:


> 2. Who says someone SHOULD be getting sex?! Just because we're married doesn't mean I OWE him sex! We didn't get married so we'd have permanent **** buddies, we did it because we're supposed to have loved AND respected each other. We aren't in a country where marital rape is legal and men are expected to get whatever they want whenever they want it! It's not like I just decided one day, "hey, I think I'm going to deprive my husband of sex for the rest of our lives."



Bijounk,

I certainly can not understand how you feel since I am a Man. I do remember a time when my wife was having problems with Yeast infections and it would hurt her to have sex. She would try to engage in intercourse with me but I could tell by the look on her face that she was uncomfortable. I would stop and she would ask me to continue out of love for me. Out of love for her, I would give her a gentle kiss and tell her, "It's OK".

I certainly have had my shares of ups and downs in the last 20+ yrs of marriage and I can tell you that Sex plays a major roll in any marriage. 

I can also say that he is probably embarrassed or ashamed of the Pornography and the masturbation. Hell after being married this long to my wife, I am still ashamed to admit it that I master bate sometimes without her around. Don't know why but it can be an uncomfortable subject to talk about.

I don't know if you are a Christian person or not but threw prayer, a lot of problems can be solved. Ask your Lord Jesus Christ to help you. It says in 1 Corinthians 7:

Principles of Marriage
7 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: 
﻿a﻿It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ﻿2﻿ Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. ﻿3﻿ ﻿b﻿Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ﻿4﻿ The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. ﻿5﻿ ﻿c﻿Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that ﻿d﻿Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


The pornography comes into play in verse 5 of chapter 7. 

My wife has a very low libido and we struggle in our marriage to find the right compromise for the both of us.

We certainly had our share of problems in life and throughout our marriage but since accepting Christ into our lives, all things are better. 

I would suggest finding a good Christian marriage counselor as well as maybe some sex counseling to help you both understand each others own personal needs. I would also attend Church if you are not already and try praying about it. If you are not a Christian person, give it a try sincerely from your heart. You will be surprised at how good life can be with a little help.

Try to understand your husbands needs and wants and I bet he will try to understand yours as well. It sounds like he is a pretty nice guy from the way you describe him. If sex is the only problem you have to deal with, you are in pretty good shape. Talk to him about the porn issue and explain to him that you understand that it may be embarrassing to talk about it, but you feel that it is not helping your marriage. At the same time, You may have to engage in a little more foreplay or something. Try dancing for him and romancing him. I know from my own personal desires. The orgasm is the last thing on my mind. I enjoy the closeness and the touching and kissing and the closeness that intimacy brings. Yes the BIG"O" at the end of the night is great, but I bet if you can get past the anger and feelings of deceit, you guys can work through this thing.

Don't give up and God Bless You Both.


----------

