# What makes a person passive/agressive?



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO, I feel that passive aggressiveness is a learned behavior. However, why do you think that is? Whats the real dynamics behind it? Lack of coping/ communication skills? Abuse of some kind? Mental illness? 
BTW, I think everyone can display some passive aggressive traits or tendencies, but I'm meaning more along the lines of people who actually act that way most of the time. Yes there are some people who live their life in that manner. 

Your thoughts?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I think it stems from not being able to express anger in any way that is acceptable, so they have to hide it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I think it stems from not being able to express anger in any way that is acceptable, so they have to hide it.


Thanks!

Maybe too, they were told or made to feel anger isn't an acceptable feeling? I wonder if that comes from a parents criticism? :scratchhead:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Possibly. I think it also comes from modeling. A lot of what kids see in their parents and on TV are pretty unhealthy and indirect ways of dealing with conflict. PA behaviors are a "safer" way to show anger and also a way to do so without really taking responsibility for it, and gives a way to rationalize out of it, because some of the behaviors are subtle. 

It's much easier to passive aggressively "forget" to do something your spouse requests, then to outright say NO and engage in a conflict. When the spouse calls you on it, it's easy to play "who me?" and find excuses that have nothing to do with your true motivations.

They make the person feel satisfied, like "ha! so there!" without the discomfort of conflict or the challenge of problem-solving.

I find some PA behaviors kind of funny.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

i was passive aggressive. i learned it from my dad.... oh man, was he a good example. 

i found it was an effective way to deal with people while making sure there was minimized conflict... and that meant that people would still like me. 

so why be pa, so you can make sure people still like you. plain and simple.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its about learning to be assertive, not passive or aggressive. If you are true to yourself, and handle yourself in an assertive way, people will still like you. 

I think PA people are game players and they like to play the victim card. We all have issues, and if people do not know how to handle those issues properly, and get help to unlearn learned behavior then they will likely have a lonely road ahead. People can change if they really want to, regardless of what they learned.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My ex is a passive aggressive. I've read a lot about it but after 9 years, have still not been able to fully understand it myself. 

A lot of the things I have read is a lot of people who are PA, usually come from a home with a parent who is overbearing and another who is way too complacent or passive. For my ex, that's very true. His mom is overbearing, aggressive, verbally abusive and his dad's motto has always been, "just keep the peace".

The book, _Living with the Passive Aggressive Man_, by Scott Wetzler is pretty good. My copy is pretty yellow from all the highlighting I had to do.... lol.

I think I'll actually go back and re-read it again as a matter of fact...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok... is flip flopping from being passive about something one moment then assertive/aggressive about it the next... the same as being passive/aggressive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

One thing to look out for is the person who's constantly harping on how much they hate passive aggressive behavior. Because they're generally passive aggressive.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Ok... is flip flopping from being passive about something one moment then assertive/aggressive about it the next... the same as being passive/aggressive?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It can be, though it's not usually quite so visible as changing one's mind or opinion. 

PA is usually a hidden attempt to show what I want. "I don't like washing dishes, so if my parents make me do it I'll do a bad job of it until mom gets mad and does it herself."


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ah ok... thanks kathy....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm will keep that in mind RLD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I am wondering if such people can change - maybe once they get past a certain age change is virtually impossible even if they do want to change. 

Understanding Passive Aggression


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A passive aggressive is an enabler. A person who whines about being 'forced' to do something, does it anyway and then complains endlessly about how miserable they are because you 'forced' them to do it. It's a kind of behavior where the person NEVER EVER EVER takes responsibility for them self. They are never accountable, never responsible, nothing is ever their problem, their issue, their fault. They never own their own decisions and will avoid appearing to make any decisions, preferring instead to force others into doing that - so that they can whine and grumble that's not what they wanted in the first place. Picture a three year old who wants ice cream and has a tantrum until you give it them then they 'accidentally' drop it on the floor.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

TheCrunch said:


> I am wondering if such people can change - maybe once they get past a certain age change is virtually impossible even if they do want to change.
> 
> Understanding Passive Aggression



nope they never change. inside every martyr is a tyrant screaming to get out.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

I think people are conditioned to be passive aggressive. 

Some people's parents will absolutely not let their children speak their mind or defend themselves in arguments. They learn pretty quickly to internalize it and let it out later. Is it so weird that they might use the same behavior in other relationships?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Aggie said:


> I think people are conditioned to be passive aggressive.
> 
> Some people's parents will absolutely not let their children speak their mind or defend themselves in arguments. They learn pretty quickly to internalize it and let it out later. Is it so weird that they might use the same behavior in other relationships?


I don't think its weird, but I do think if a person lives their life in a passive/aggressive manner, then it needs to be dealt with by a professional so they can help that person learn some new coping/communications skills. We all can have passive/aggressive traits, BUT some people live their life that way. In other words its the only way they know how to deal with life or other people, thats a problem.


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