# Ugh!



## Outside71 (Apr 17, 2011)

So as the story goes I am back in the dating scene after being separated for 6 months and divorced for a month (I know not too long). Anyway, I started casually dating here and there, because I wanted to, not because of a feeling that I needed to. I met this girl who I really liked and we both had an amazing connection. So obviously through the course of normal conversation she asked how long I had been divorced. Now knowing that I have only been "officially" divorced for only a month - gonesville! She says that she doesn't feel comfortable and believes that I still need time to process through the divorce, etc. 

I know that I'm ok with the divorce but why do people not trust that? Is this going to be a stigma, for lack of a better word, that I am going to have to deal with? It was weird, we could talk for hours, had a lot in common and it all seemed to be going great, but now because of this just done. I know there's nothing I can do to convinve her, but it still really sucks!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That does suck! My guess is that she has been burned before. I will soon be officially divorced myself. I wonder if I'll hear that one. But, she didn't even bother to ask how long you had been separated?


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## Outside71 (Apr 17, 2011)

I told her about the separation time, but she still felt that I didn't have enough time to process the divorce - whatever that means. I guess I just don't appreciate the fact that people don't understanad what I went through during the last years of a very unhappy marriage plus the countless hours and money spent going through counseling. I am happier today than I had been in more than 15 years, but some people apparentlydon't believe that.

And yes, she had been burned in the past - apparently pretty bad. Though the weird part is that she had actually texted recently and asked that we still stay in touch and that "who knows" what the future will bring and that for the time we should date other people, if the opportunity arises. 

I tell ya' this is definitely different than I remember from 15 years ago. But then again 15 years ago I was 25 and wasn't marked with the " Scarlet D" either. . .:rofl:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Outside, I'd guess that she's concerned you'll still have "baggage" from your marriage. Unresolved issues, rebound relationship, etc. And she doesn't want to invest in a relationship that's as risky as that. 

If you're 40 years old (based on the numbers you give), I'd guess there's not too much of a stigma from the "scarlet D" as you put it. Most people in your (and my) age range are either married or have been married by this point. Just a fact of life. So of the currently single crowd out there, you're pretty much normal. Now, if you were 25 and divorced, there might be a lot more questions and concerns about it.

Personally, I'd guess most people would feel more comfortable dating someone who's been separated for a year or so, if they were considering a more serious relationship. And maybe this is a good sign... If she was just looking for a casual fling, it might not matter how long you were separated. But she's looking at you as more than that... But I'm just making that up, so take it with a grain of salt. 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow! Your divorce was fast as heck!!! Six months!

Well there is no way to tell how people are going to react to you being newly divorced. All you acn do is accept whatever they tell you. 

It didn't work out with her, but it will with someone else. Just keep on keepin on.

There are 6.9 billion people on the planet. You are bound to meet someone else.

I know for me--divorced only two weeks now, separated 1.5 yr (we were still "together" the entire separation)--I am nowhere near being ready to date yet. Everyone is different though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Now, if you were 25 and divorced, there might be a lot more questions and concerns about it.


What about 30 and divorced? That's me! 

My ex-h was my only serious relationship ever.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What about 30 and divorced? That's me!
> 
> My ex-h was my only serious relationship ever.


Sorry, JB... You're in uncharted territory for me!  I was married from 25 to 43, and now separated for a few months. But the marriage was over for quite a few months before we actually ended it, at least to me. I'm dating "casually" someone who's in the same situation as me, and both of us are pretty realistic about where things are at (I think). We'll see... Those darn emotions have a way of cropping up when you're not expecting it.

I suspect you won't have any issues... At 30, there's probably a good mix of divorced/single people.

And my spouse (stbx) was my only serious relationship as well...

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow, 25 to 43. That is a long time! 

How is your dating going? Has he been married before? 

I am scared to date. Scared and excited.

Yeah at 30 I do know a lot of folks splitting up or going through haard times but also newly marrieds. It's strange to be single again after spending all my 20s w/ my ex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SHE is in the same status as I, which is to say separated. So technically, we're both still married. And because both of us are recently separated, we're keeping things quiet and pretty low key. But both of us were starved for an emotional connection, and I'll be honest, a physical one as well. So we've been a good match so far. The first "first date" was pretty strange, though!

And yeah, I would think you're in that in-between stage. But hopefully being divorced doesn't have the same stigma attached as it would have when you were in your twenties. You'll find someone, and because you've learned a lot about yourself from your last relationship (having followed some of your threads), you'll do much better, I'm sure! That's what I tell myself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Whoops. PBear. I thought you were a she, but you're a he. My bad.

LOL.

Well at least you've found someone to share an emotional connection with. I am so not there yet, to even consider it w/ someone. My heart is still hurt. In time though I know... in time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, if it is a "stigma," it will disappear with time, b/c it is based on the length of time you've been divorced.

Maybe the question came up b/c of something she noticed--not saying it did, but it is possible that you still give off vibes of being "newly divorced." You wouldn't pick up on it, nor should you worry about it. You are who you are and where you are in life; can't change that. She may have some experience in her history that resonated with her when you said or did something, and this led her to conclude that you weren't as "ready" as she thought. Again, this is not to say it was "your fault." She made assumptions based on her personal experience--that's the best she can do, as you are just being you. I'd let it go; it's got a short shelf-life as a problem and not worth worrying about.


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## Outside71 (Apr 17, 2011)

First off, I do apologize for the "stigma" comment. It was a sad attempt at making light of a situation that really bothered me.

PB, yep I'm 40 - and being back in the dating scene is taking some getting used to. 

The discussion came about because we were talking about past relationships and I wanted to be honest about where I was in my life. Yes, I was married for 13 years, but the last 7-8 years were truly awful and 3 years of counseling had helped me to realize how awful it truly was and during that time I was able to process and grieve through the marrige and led me to making the best decision I have ever made in the last 15 years. I am in the best place I have been in for as long as I can remember - I really am happy and was looking forward to just taking this relationship/friendship slow and just enjoy what may come. 

JB - Yep, 6 months. . . Colorado has a 90 day waiting period, and this thing needed to be put to bed ASAP!

I don't know if she still has ideas of getting together in the future, why would she still ask me to email, text, call her!?!? She also stated that she doesn't want to look back, after some time down the road, and feel that she made "the biggest mistake of her life" for not giving us a chance. . ? 

I just don't like being compared to a statistic - you have to be separated for a year to be in a good place - you have to have dated (X) number of women to really know what you want.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Outside, no problem on the "stigma" comment... I think there can be one associated with being divorced, especially a recent divorce. Does she know you've done 3 years of counselling? I'm suprised that didn't make more of a difference... Seems that should tell anyone that you're serious about making improvements in your relationship skills.

Not meaning to thread-jack you... But I was having an MSN conversation with my girlfriend. She's down in Mexico on a one week holiday. And out of the blue, she asks me if I'll ever get married again. My initial response was "WTF kind of question is that? Neither of us is even divorced yet!". I just told her that I wouldn't be in a hurry to get married, but I'm not against it.

Apparently her friend said that she would be there at our wedding. And when I tried to get more details on how she felt about all that, all I got was "We'll can talk about it more when I get home", and that it "wasn't a bad thing"... *sigh* Why can't things just stay simple?  I'm chuckling about the conversation, but wondering what's going through her mind.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ So how do you feel about that Pbear...about her wanting to know about if you'd remarry or not? Do you feel it's too soon her bringing up that or do you kind of like the idea?



sisters359 said:


> Maybe the question came up b/c of something she noticed--not saying it did, but it is possible that you still give off vibes of being "newly divorced." You wouldn't pick up on it, nor should you worry about it.


Yep, it coulda been that too. I remember having dinner with a male friend and he aske dme what my "status" was... I was separated at the time and divorce filed already and I said "Well I've been separated for a yr now and it's over and" and he cut me off and said "Yu don't have to tell me about him." And I said, "OK." LOL I didn't even realize it was prob not kosher to discuss these things. He started having feelings for me and I had to tell him I wasn't there yet. Divorcewas recently finalized and I'm still not "there" yet. I wonder when I will start feeling like dating again. 

How long did it take for you guys? When you started feeling "ready" to date?

This is my first time being single in almost 8 yrs so I don't see the rush in getting into anything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JB, I gave my response to her before I knew the context, and I'm ok with it still. I have nothing against being married again; I was just married to the wrong person. But I don't plan on making the same mistakes again, and will go into it much more cautiously! . I would probably lean towards living together first, although up here, common law marriages have many of the same issues as "regular" marriages, I think. 

I was surprised by her question, as we're nowhere near a serious committed relationship, although we are seeing each other exclusively. I trust her that the only reason it came up was because a) we're missing each other while she's on holidays, and b) because of her friend's comment that she'd be coming to our wedding. We haven't gone more than a day without seeing each other in about a month, I think, and she left on Friday. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IMO, "common law marriage" is the smae as "regular marriage" w/o the piece of paper, legalities, insuranc/nlegal benefits. LOL.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JB, that's what I mean, yes... Except up here, I think common law relationships have almost all the benefits of a marriage. Not sure about spousal support post marriage, though... And the common law thing just kicks in after you've lived together for a certain amount of time, so just living together as opposed to getting married doesn't give me much protection. 

On the other hand, kids are NOT an option for me anymore, and that would be one reason I would have considered getting married again. But kids would be even further down the road from getting married! 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well in my D, I didn't get jack. No alijmony, no car, he even got the house.

So who knows...

Well if you're past wanting kids, then awesome. Just be sure you tell your lady friend that so you're on the same page


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, she knows. I've been fixed, she hasn't had kids and doesn't want them either. And at 43 years old, I think we both know we're past our "best before" dates with regards to having kids...  Even if we have LOTS of living to do still!

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL @ "best before dates"

I am 30, divorced and childless. This seems odd to me but at the same time not. I wonder if I am going to miss the little child boat... who knows.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well in my D, I didn't get jack. No alijmony, no car, he even got the house.
> 
> So who knows...
> 
> Well if you're past wanting kids, then awesome. Just be sure you tell your lady friend that so you're on the same page


Who's your lawyer? A monkey? The only other woman I know who was tossed in a ditch that bad in the divorce was an admitted heroin addict.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it was bad. My lawyer sucked.


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## Outside71 (Apr 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> Does she know you've done 3 years of counselling? I'm suprised that didn't make more of a difference... Seems that should tell anyone that you're serious about making improvements in your relationship skills.
> 
> C


No wories at all about the thread jacking, if it can create open up conversations then all the better!

Yep, she knew/knows I was in counseling although maybe she doesn't know for how long. It's just too bad that some people can't accept a person for who they are now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, OUtside... look at it as her doing you a favor--you are now free to find someone who is more on your page, who will accept you as-is. The good thing is that she was open and honest w/ you and didn't waste any more of your or her time. You know? 

Someone else said to you "You can't help where you are at in life" (in the process post-D) and it's true. So just roll w/ it. It didn't work out with her but hello, there are 6.9 billion people on this loving planet. You are bound to meet someone else!


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