# feeling hurt and shattered



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I've been tracking along really well after my breakup which was around 5 months ago I think.

I've had this male friend for around 2.5 years. We started off dating and I met him on a dating app. I have posted about him before and his open marriage. He has been a really good friend to me , really going really beyond what most friends would. He has always just been there for me. But I did notice he was in some ways manipulative and possessive of my time but I thought that I could handle it as I saw it. We causally dated up until the start of last year and which is when I decided that I wanted to pursue a proper relationship. (I'm monogamous and I felt like I was ready to explore having a whole relationship not just a FWB. He was a FWB but it was more exclusive and intense. I kept it more causal than he did admittedly with the time i gave him.) He didn't take it well and I had to cut off seeing him as he wanted me just to date him which he admitted was selfish on his behalf.

So after my relationship ended earlier this year I reached out to him as I missed him as a friend but I was very clear that I was only interested in being friends. That I'm not wanting to have a sexual relationship at all with him or anyone else. I also was clear that I would not want to be getting back into anything like that with him again but I really appreciated him as a friend. He said he was fine with that and he was really great around my breakup and with my daughters illness etc. He was so supportive ..... until he told me he was getting tired of waiting for me to come around to being with him again and he thinks he might need to go his own way as his feelings for me are too strong and that he is in love with me etc. I said that I understood and that if being close to me is affecting his mental health then I understand but he will be missed.

He continued to want to catch up for diner etc but I realised they were just an opportunity to convince me to be with him again in a relationship. I also found out that he had been stalking my ex boyfriends Instagram page and he was obsessed with worry that I would get back with him and he said he hated this guy so much he couldn't bare to think of us getting back together. I told him that we are not and wont be. It was all a bit much I told him that to please leave they guy alone I don't even look at his page and he has even less reason to be doing so than I do. So I started saying no to catch ups etc. I cancelled last Saturday night and he sent a short message to say please not to contact him again. It's over he wont be seeing me again. I replied buy say, ok that I understood, take care.

I didn't hear from him again until last night when text me long messages about how he doesn't feel right. He said I hurt him deeply he feels used etc. I just said sorry I didn't mean to hurt him but I think it's best to go our own ways. He then responded trying to prompt a call and I ignored it. This morning he continued texting but this time indicating he might find himself at my door later tonight. I decided it was best to be very clear and say DO not to do that. That I respected his decision to leave him alone and I would also like him to respect mine by not coming to my home uninvited and I think it's best to leave things as they are that we both need to move on.

I didn't block but just put his number on silent as he can be obsessive and I wanted to know if he intended to carry through with showing up as I don' want to see him. This week has been great with just cutting ties and moving away from this connection.

He blew up my phone with texts that were so nasty, so cruel. He told me he had ran into my ex (I doubt if it is true) last Friday night . (no they don't in the sae area) he said that I was a terrible mother That I'm a liar etc that That my ex was right about me etc that he my ex husband and my ex boyfriend were all treated badly by me.. He used what I had told him as a friend against me. This just shattered me. He was such a good friend to me. He told me that I was his best friend that he loved and cared about me. I got that he wanted more and get that people can get frustrated but he tore me to pieces just as my ex boyfriend did. He just went on and on with vile comments about what a bad person I was.

I'm struggling and so hurt. I don't have questing but I guess one is why ? Why act like this. I believe that his initial conversation that he needed to say goodbye was to get me to respond by not letting him go and sleeping with him. But although I'm missing sex greatly I respected myself too much to go back there. I thought I meant more to him as well.

This is rant of hurt. I feel a bit stupid as well.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why on earth haven’t you blocked him?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is a control tactic and nothing more. Your moving into dangerous territory. Block him. The more you stay in touch the worse it will become. Block him.... Do it now.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> It is a control tactic and nothing more. *Your moving into dangerous territory*. Block him. The more you stay in touch the worse it will become. Block him.... Do it now.


would you plese explain a little of what you mean?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

m.t.t said:


> would you plese explain a little of what you mean?


He is stalking the old boy friend and wanting to come over uninvited. Now he is having no control over his rude outburst. Next he will be peeking in your windows. Stop engaging him.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Why on earth haven’t you blocked him?


I didn't block instantly as his rant has me worried. He has a android so I don't think he can tell if I have hi blocked or not. I'm tempted to block but I would feel better if there was an indication that he had calmed down. I didn't respond after I said goodbye and way before he let loose with the cruel texts. I wish I hadn't of seen them but it shows me how he really feels about me.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> He is stalking the old boy friend and wanting to come over uninvited. Now he is having no control over his rude outburst. Next he will be peeking in your windows. Stop engaging him.


I have stopped engaging and I think this is why he lost it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

this man has a wife and in an open relationship , have you evet met his wife and does she know you are or use to be his fwb , 

he seems to want to have 2 wife's and is jealous of other's he could become dangerous as he seems to be controlling and obsessed , 

I only hope cutting all ties with him will be enough to get him out of your life as just how far will he go


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> this man has a wife and in an open relationship , *have you evet met his wife and does she know you are or use to be his fwb ,*
> 
> he seems to want to have 2 wife's and is jealous of other's he could become dangerous as he seems to be controlling and obsessed ,
> 
> I only hope cutting all ties with him will be enough to get him out of your life as just how far will he go


yes she does and yes I have briefly. One of the many reasons I pulled back was I found out she wasn't happy with him seeing me anymore, that he was too attached.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is the danger of an open relationship and fmb one get feelings too strong , it seems he is in love with you and finding it hard to keep away , there will be a time that he might do silly things to you or to new bf you meet , just how much he is in control of his feelings is hard to say , you biggest risk is he interfering with any new relationship , how long it will take him to get over you no one knows , he wants to have 2 women , 

it is sad that you are going to have to be hard and cut him out of your life in every way and never go back to any form of friendship ,


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your story is a good lesson in not getting involved with a married man whether he is in an 'open' relationship or not. 
Stop all contact.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why in the world would you be emotionally hurt by his actions? You should be jumping for joy to get the nut job out of your life.

Everything he does and says is manipulation. His one goal all along has been to have a side piece of ass, and you played along. There was NEVER going to be a happy ending for you in this scenario.

He doesn't care about you, or your kid, or your feelings, or your life, he cares about himself, and himself only. Block him on all fronts, and if he does show up call the police on him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

seems like most fwb ends up badly someone ends up wanting more


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

This friend of yours sounds like the boyfriend you broke up with approximately 5 months ago. Their behavior is quite similar. Both of these men exhibit mental instability. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You need to take a long break from involvement with men.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You had a friends-with-benefits relationship. To you, the “friends” part was still a priority after the relationship was over. To him, the “benefits” part was always the priority and he wanted that back.

When it was obvious that the two of you didn’t align, and you weren’t giving in as he thought you would, he went bsc — not surprisingly. Why is it not surprising? Because the controlling type who goes bsc when they don’t get their way is what you’re attracted to. 

You need to figure out why that is. If you don’t, you’ll just keep repeating the same pattern.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

m.t.t said:


> He has been a really good friend to me , really going really beyond what most friends would. He has always just been there for me. *BUT *I did notice he was in some ways manipulative and possessive of my time but I thought that I could handle it as I saw it.


Isn't it funny how there is always a "but".


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Cooper said:


> Why in the world would you be emotionally hurt by his actions? You should be jumping for joy to get the nut job out of your life.
> 
> Everything he does and says is manipulation. His one goal all along has been to have a side piece of ass, and you played along. There was NEVER going to be a happy ending for you in this scenario.
> 
> He doesn't care about you, or your kid, or your feelings, or your life, he cares about himself, and himself only. Block him on all fronts, and if he does show up call the police on him.


He did want to have us both. I was happy enough after my divorce once i found out their relationship was open. I realised I wanted and deserved more. In the last few months I have realised that he is just gunning for what we had before and is doing everything he can to manipulate me into it. I stood firm. But I knew what was best was for me was to have him out of my life all together. Im hurt not because of romantic feelings but of what he said. It was designed to hurt and distress me deeply. We haven't been at all romantic or sexual since early 2020. I thought I was good enough as a friend. I am a fool.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> You had a friends-with-benefits relationship. To you, the “friends” part was still a priority after the relationship was over. To him, the “benefits” part was always the priority and he wanted that back.
> 
> When it was obvious that the two of you didn’t align, and you weren’t giving in as he thought you would, he went bsc — not surprisingly. Why is it not surprising? Because the controlling type who goes bsc when they don’t get their way is what you’re attracted to.
> 
> You need to figure out why that is. If you don’t, you’ll just keep repeating the same pattern.





Prodigal said:


> This friend of yours sounds like the boyfriend you broke up with approximately 5 months ago. Their behavior is quite similar. Both of these men exhibit mental instability.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again: You need to take a long break from involvement with men.



I now realise that these two men are very similar. They are more much intense versions of my ex husband. There is a big lesson to be learned from these relationships and why I find it hard to just say no thanks from the get go. I don't think it's me thats attracted to them. I think they pick me and like them because they like me. All three of these men people would do the head tilt, not seeing why I picked them from the outside. Whispers of I think you can do better. 

I think I'm chasing unconditional love fro my childhood. After the last relationship @Prodigal I decided at least 12 months of no dating, looking or sex. I didn't count this guy as we were no longer romantic but that was a mistake not to include him in the break.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think a year away from any of that is an excellent idea.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> I don't think it's me thats attracted to them. I think they pick me and like them because they like me.


But seriously consider why they pick you. Also consider why you like emotionally unstable men just because they "like" you. These men were using you to fulfill their own agenda. You allowed that. To believe you aren't actually attracted to some aura they give off would be attempting to expunge responsibility for your choices. And, whether you can see it or not, you ARE making the choice to get sucked into the web these men weave.

Children are victims, they have no choice in the treatment they receive. Adults are volunteers, they can choose how they are treated and the people with whom they wish to get involved.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re from Australia right?

Been following the Ben Roberts-Smith story?

This does sound dangerous - and there’s a cycle that goes in 3 stages, the last one being a great indicator - the anger when someone doesn’t get their way.

Block. You’re already way past the non-engagement stage, you’ve made your point very clear over and over. Stop telling him what you need and don’t need, you should have stopped going to dinner and repeating yourself long ago.

This sounds really dangerous now.

If you’re actually seriously not wanting to see him anymore, then you go to the police now, without telling him or making threats.

If you’re not, and you want to keep him around then that’s ok too, keep going.

What do you really want? Are you hoping you will have the fairy tale ending with this man?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> You’re from Australia right?
> 
> Been following the Ben Roberts-Smith story?
> 
> ...


don't know Robert Smith's story... staying away from the news...

No I don't want a happy ending, what I really wanted was to be worth something to him as a person. That I had worth other than sex and being 'his' only


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> But seriously consider why they pick you. Also consider why you like emotionally unstable men just because they "like" you. These men were using you to fulfill their own agenda. You allowed that. To believe you aren't actually attracted to some aura they give off would be attempting to expunge responsibility for your choices. And, whether you can see it or not, *you ARE making the choice to get sucked into the web these men weave.*
> 
> Children are victims, they have no choice in the treatment they receive. Adults are volunteers, they can choose how they are treated and the people with whom they wish to get involved.


I agree.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> don't know Robert Smith's story... staying away from the news...
> 
> No I don't want a happy ending, what I really wanted was to be worth something to him as a person. That I had worth other than sex and being 'his' only


How could you ever be his only when he is married?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

"Ok. So I had still my dating profile active but hadn't even looked at it in months. I clicked onto it a couple of weeks ago and there was a message from someone that I was instantly hit with a wow. Not a model good looking wow but a guy that I was just attracted to. This never happens usually I'm like they are ok. I was so interested I was super careful to press the like instead of randomly losing him with a wrong tap of the screen."

------

OP, that was the third paragraph from your "wondering if normal " post #1.

I remember reading that post of yours and by the time I got to paragraph 6, I was saying "NO!" under my breath and was already feeling scared for you.

So, you said yourself the other more normal guys' dating profiles were bland and ignorable, but THIS GUY, the one that was scarily odd and raised flags immediately, that guy was a "wow" for you.

These people are who they are. ie creepy. Best left alone. But you gave him the opportunity to be his creepy self - WITH YOU - through your attention and enthusiasm.

Sure, they may find you, but YOU were drawn in immediately and provided what they needed to be who they are WITH you. Others likely would have blocked them in the same scenario and never been involved in their lives.

There's something here you find attractive and then tolerate, that you should examine and remove from your 'guys that make me say wow' criteria. Then perhaps you'll see the appeal of the more sane men and be repulsed by this kind of behavior, as you should for your own safety and well being.

Best of luck to you over the next year. I think so many people here on TAM are rooting for you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

m.t.t said:


> He did want to have us both. I was happy enough after my divorce once i found out their relationship was open. I realised I wanted and deserved more. In the last few months I have realised that he is just gunning for what we had before and is doing everything he can to manipulate me into it. I stood firm. But I knew what was best was for me was to have him out of my life all together. Im hurt not because of romantic feelings but of what he said. It was designed to hurt and distress me deeply. We haven't been at all romantic or sexual since early 2020. I thought I was good enough as a friend. I am a fool.


I certainly wouldn't call you a fool......unless you go back to him  or put yourself in a similar circumstance. Live and learn right?

His words hurt you because he hit on your insecurities, that's what you need to work on. Focus on yourself, focus on your kid, focus on living a good life. Become a confident and independent woman, then words from an irrelevant a-hole will not hurt you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

The guy has mental health issues! 

No sane man is going to stalk you, your ex, text you nasty things. He might be a manipulative psycho! Block him, save those texts for proof just in case. 

Keep your eyes open. He doesn't sound mentally stable.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> How could you ever be his only when he is married?


sorry that was badly written. What I mean was 

That I had worth as a person. Not just sex and being 'his' only. As in he didn't want *me* to date or see anyone else only him.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Quad73 said:


> "Ok. So I had still my dating profile active but hadn't even looked at it in months. I clicked onto it a couple of weeks ago and there was a message from someone that I was instantly hit with a wow. Not a model good looking wow but a guy that I was just attracted to. This never happens usually I'm like they are ok. I was so interested I was super careful to press the like instead of randomly losing him with a wrong tap of the screen."
> 
> ------
> 
> ...


You are right. Thank you for pointing this out. 

Thank you so much for your support. I feel really good about taking the 12 months


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds like he has an obsessive personality and he is clearly very emotional. He felt like he could be vulnerable with you and he was. His feelings were way stronger than yours and he clearly felt hurt when you wanted to end things. He’s just being mean and vindictive. This is just about who he is then what you did. You were clear about everything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> sorry that was badly written. What I mean was
> 
> That I had worth as a person. Not just sex and being 'his' only. As in he didn't want *me* to date or see anyone else only him.



I'm not sure what "worth" you think you're going to have to a married man in an open marriage. The whole point of an open marriage is to bang others....that's pretty much it.

Are you sure you weren't just a little excited by the prospect that you'd be so special that he'd decide you were more important then his wife? 

Be honest. Why else would you be looking for "friendship" from a married man who was looking for strange and whose wife was uncomfortable with the attachment?

As women we both know how this works.

If you want to be more then a side piece block this guy and don't see married men....open relationship or not. They aren't available to affirm your personal worth.

That's what single men are for.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure what "worth" you think you're going to have to a married man in an open marriage. The whole point of an open marriage is to bang others....that's pretty much it.
> 
> Are you sure you weren't just a little excited by the prospect that you'd be so special that he'd decide you were more important then his wife?
> 
> ...


This is actually BRILLIANT advice!


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

The men you've been drawn to, and are drawn to you, besides being obsessive, seem


Dramatic
Highly emotionally expressive

So to some degree you're interested in traits that are not normally associated with men.

You can likely get a dose of this type of interaction on social media, girlfriend chats, etc. but to be drawn into it with a man / heterosexual relationship is literally looking for trouble and instability.

Maybe you could ask yourself, how have I come to the association of these traits with a 'wow' factor?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Quad73 said:


> The men you've been drawn to, and are drawn to you, besides being obsessive, seem
> 
> 
> Dramatic
> ...



I guess on looking that those points yes these two men are like that. Dramatic and expressive which are the exact opposite of my ex-partner of just over 20 years.

He was passive and controlling but showed no real emotion, love, or care. He wasn't romantic at all. Sex was still amazing right to the end but he was very rarely outwardly passionate about anything. Conversations were interesting but not chatty or fun. He had a way of making me feel ridiculous when I got excited over things. I would sometimes feel out of control we had an argument as he would just sit there looking at his watch in the way someone does to dismiss you as wasting their time and I would get emotional and want to cry trying to talk to this man of stone.

After my divorce, I wanted a man that would be expressive, could hold a fun conversation, talk in bed at night, cuddle after sex, and be a little more like me. But these men especially my ex-boyfriend were very emotionally exhausting. Maybe I'm not used to it. But it's suspected that my ex-boyfriend had BPD (suspected by my psychologist but not diagnosed) It very much fits what went through though. So I guess the WOW factor was that they weren't shy in making sure that I knew how much they liked me with their words.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

That makes a lot of sense mtt. Maybe your solution is somewhere between those unhealthy extremes.


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