# Considering contacting high school Ex to gain closure and heal my heart. Thoughts?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am sure some will say this is totally stupid given I am now in my 30s. However, we dated for a year in high school and in that time, that was an eternity! To this day, I still consider her to be the best partner I could have had. 

I am NOT looking to build a relationship there, get chatty on the phone, I just want to send her a detailed email explaining myself. When we broke up, I started acting like a tool and ignoring her simply because I felt she was too good for me and I was almost trying to protect myself because there were a LOT of eyes on us as of the few stable couples in high school. 

She just came up to me and said "we are done", I said "ok", and we have not really talked much since. Well, actually we went to college together and she helped me on some homework a couple times but we never discusses 'us' ever again. 

It has bugged me ever since that she probably never knew why. I doubt she really cares all that much now, happily married, great kids, etc. I just feel like it is something I want to do for me and maybe her. 

Does this seem idiotic? Bad idea and asking for problems? Again, not really even looking for her reply but sort of just want to get it off my chest.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Leave her alone. Her husband probably wouldn't be thrilled that a ex is trying to contact her. Even if your heart is in the right place.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I am sure some will say this is totally stupid given I am now in my 30s.


Stupid? No, I was thinking "Freak Alert!".

You want to spend your life looking in a rear-view mirror, then go ahead and do that. Try driving only using the rear-view mirror too. It usually works well


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Looking over all the different threads you have going here, I think it would be a very good thing for you to get some individual counselling, so help you sort through these things. It seems as if you still have unresolved feeling for your ex and that is creeping into other areas of your life. It seems like you are going in pretty much all directions at once with no clear destination. Counselling can help bring clarity and focus that I think you need right now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Write what you want to say. Stick it in an envelope. Burn it. 

If you need closure, it will only come from inside you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

LOL, well I think I appreciate asking the question now! Seems this is a very bad idea. 

I guess in my mind, I saw it as getting closure through communication....which I suck at..

Samy, yes, I agree, I am fighting some demons right now. I also know that no amount of chit chatting with a $100/hr office worker will fix a thing for me. It might feel little better saying it but I will feel the same at the end of the day. 

What I am trying to do here is learn about myself, what I screwed up, what I got right, and gear up for the hunt again. I am talking with a nice younger girl and I want to make sure I make the right changes in my life to stop making the same mistakes!!!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> What I am trying to do here is learn about myself, what I screwed up, what I got right, and gear up for the hunt again. I am talking with a nice younger girl and I want to make sure I make the right changes in my life to stop making the same mistakes!!!



You mean classic and obvious to everybody mistakes like calling up old girlfriends that dumped you instead of just accepting the fact that they just didn't want to be in a committed relationship with you?

Here's the secret: you aren't that important. But that's OK. Nobody is that important. Somebody may think you are that important, and they may even decide to form a partnership with you and commit to a life-long deal, and their lives may become so intertwined with yours and they may value committment and loyalty and integrity, and then getting rid of them would be very difficult 

But it won't be because you are really that important. You got dumped? So what? There's a good chance it had nothing to do with you, but you are making it all about you, so you are setting yourself up for pain.... just because you take yourself too seriously 

You owe me two cents 

Just live a good life, know your values, improve on the things that you recognize need improving (but do it for yourself--nobody's perfect, but it's nice to have goals), and remember.... nobody is that important.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening BobSmith
Nothing good can come from this. She has settled in her life and is presumably happy. You need to find your future.

If you had deeply offended her and been out of contact since, then an apology (nothing more) might be appropriate. In this case you have been in some contact so she doesn't hate you forever, she just dumped you (possibly for good reason). Nothing to see her, move along.


Past failure of a relationship, even if it was completely your fault in no way dooms you. I doubt anyone can claim to have never made mistakes in their love life. 

Learn and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> LOL, well I think I appreciate asking the question now! Seems this is a very bad idea.
> 
> I guess in my mind, I saw it as getting closure through communication....which I suck at..
> 
> ...


Here.. it's a lot cheaper than seeing a professional therapist... and it works.... 


How to Be Your Own Therapist: David Viscott: 9781559270106: Amazon.com: Books


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> What I am trying to do here is learn about myself, what I screwed up, what I got right, and gear up for the hunt again.


It's fine to learn about yourself... actually it's a good and mature thing to do. What is not mature/good is dragging someone else into our process. This old girlfriend has her own life. The last thing she needs is to be used by you to make yourself feel good and/or get "closure". Closure does not really exist except in that you come to peace with something in your own mind and let it go. You do not need her to do this.

What do you expect her to say when she gets the kind of correspondence that you would send her? It would most likely just make her very uncomfortable.



bobsmith said:


> I am talking with a nice younger girl and I want to make sure I make the right changes in my life to stop making the same mistakes!!!


Here's another bit of info.. unless she is under 18, she is not a girl. Are you a "boy"? She's a woman. Calling a woman a "girl" is an insult to her.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

TimeHeals said:


> You mean classic and obvious to everybody mistakes like calling up old girlfriends that dumped you instead of just accepting the fact that they just didn't want to be in a committed relationship with you?
> 
> Here's the secret: you aren't that important. But that's OK. Nobody is that important. Somebody may think you are that important, and they may even decide to form a partnership with you and commit to a life-long deal, and their lives may become so intertwined with yours and they may value committment and loyalty and integrity, and then getting rid of them would be very difficult
> 
> ...


I don't know that I'd go so far as to say that nobody is that important but I get your drift. Instead, I might say that it isn't all about you or that not everything that happens is about you. Most people are far too self absorbed and have an inflated opinion of themselves for sure but to say someone is just not important is a bit of an over reach in my mind.

I have found that journaling over the years has helped with regards to sorting feelings from time to time. As you get to know yourself better, you can more quickly diagnose the real issue rather than always aiming to solve the symptoms.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I had a high school bf contact me to apologize for being a tool. I honestly hadn't thought about him in years..... thought it was creepy but he said he was in some 12 step program and was apologizing to people he'd wronged. I didn't really remember being wronged, it was petty high school stuff. Unfortunately he later showed up on the news for swindling women out of lots of money by pretending to be a good Christian man, but I digress.

I would leave her alone. Don't insert yourself into her marriage over your issues; how would you feel if your gf's high school bf contacted her? And you just met her; what about if your ex wife's ex,bf contacted her while you were married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Mostlycontent said:


> I don't know that I'd go so far as to say that nobody is that important but I get your drift. Instead, I might say that it isn't all about you or that not everything that happens is about you. Most people are far too self absorbed and have an inflated opinion of themselves for sure but to say someone is just not important is a bit of an over reach in my mind.
> 
> I have found that journaling over the years has helped with regards to sorting feelings from time to time. As you get to know yourself better, you can more quickly diagnose the real issue rather than always aiming to solve the symptoms.


Naw, I'm sticking with "nobody is that important" in the context of somebody choosing to leave them rather than enter into a lifetime commitment with them.

I meet lots of people. I'd be alarmed if even 1% of them wanted to be life-long buddies or partners... because I am not that important  lol


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

TimeHeals said:


> Naw, I'm sticking with "nobody is that important" in the context of somebody choosing to leave them rather than enter into a lifetime commitment with them.
> 
> I meet lots of people. I'd be alarmed if even 1% of them wanted to be life-long buddies or partners... because I am not that important  lol


Well, in that context, it makes more sense but it's more a matter of not being the right fit than it is to suggest someone isn't that important.

I didn't marry my GF from college because she wasn't right for me, which came as a big surprise to her I might add, but it wasn't because she wasn't important.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Mostlycontent said:


> Well, in that context, it makes more sense but it's more a matter of not being the right fit than it is to suggest someone isn't that important.
> 
> I didn't marry my GF from college because she wasn't right for me, which came as a big surprise to her I might add, but it wasn't because she wasn't important.



LOL. She just wasn't important enough for you to marry  Which came as a big shock to her because she was under the delussion/impression that she was at least that important. Everything is not always as it seems, it seems?

There are 7 billion of us on this tiny planet (by 2050, it will probably be closer to 10 billion). There are almost 2x as many people alive now as there were when I was born. 

We'll be born, go to school, get jobs, maybe get married and have familes, grow old and die in 100 short years.

This planet is one tiny planet (among uncountable billions of billions of planets) orbiting one of billions and billions of suns, most of which are so far away the light from our own sun on the day of our birth won't reach those solar systems before we die.

I don't pretend to know what life is all about, but I suspect no one person is terribly important, we all experience joy/pain/happiness/grief, and we all get to know loss. 

Saying somebody is unimportant is not the same thing as not sharing empathy for their plight. After all, it's your plight too;you have that in common 

It's an acknowlegement of our probable place in the cosmos. We tend to think of this conception of ourselves as terribly important, but it's not. I'm not even sure how real it is. Are you?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

TimeHeals said:


> LOL. She just wasn't important enough for you to marry  Which came as a big shock to her because she was under the delussion/impression that she was at least that important. Everything is not always as it seems, it seems?
> 
> There are 7 billion of us on this tiny planet (by 2050, it will probably be closer to 10 billion). There are almost 2x as many people alive now as there were when I was born.
> 
> ...


Well now you're getting all philosophical on me. I think we're all here for a reason so in that regard, everyone has some import. I just disagree with the context of the word in the relationship scenario. Call it semantics if you wish. We try to find the best possible fit for ourselves and share our life with that person.

As I stated previously, It never once crossed my mind to think of my former college girlfriend an unimportant. In fact, I wished her well and hoped that she would find a true life partner as I didn't feel I was the one for her. I met my wife about 7 months later and I knew pretty early on that she was the one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> She just came up to me and said "we are done", I said "ok", and we have not really talked much since. *Well, actually we went to college together and she helped me on some homework a couple times but we never discusses 'us' ever again.*
> 
> It has bugged me ever since that she probably never knew why. I doubt she really cares all that much now, happily married, great kids, etc. I just feel like it is something I want to do for me and maybe her.


 If she was so "right for you".... why oh why oh why didn't you move on her again in College....extend a hand, open your heart.....*you actually had a 2nd chance with this girl..and you remained silent*...

Obviously she is an ex for a reason -but you have forgotten the bad and have been building something up in your mind ...maybe even re-writing history a little ....somehow comparing the women you have met over the years ...for some reason, back to HER.... 



PBear said:


> *Write what you want to say. Stick it in an envelope. Burn it.
> 
> If you need closure, it will only come from inside you*.


Considering she is married, appears "Happily" -has kids... her husband would not appreciate your gesture... 

I really think if you must write and get this off your chest.. I've heard this can be like therapy for some.. writing your heart out ...and in this, you will find that closure, a deeper understanding of yourself .....you don't need the other person....some have done this when the other has passed on even...or they know reconciliation can not be, for whatever reason. 

The fire is symbolic of "it is finished" - I have let go.. I can move on now. 

A child aborted, a Father a son never said Goodbye to , any number of relationship hurts that went unsaid... things we may regret but can no longer do anything about it...but something in us wants to get it out..and off our chests...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> It has bugged me ever since that she probably never knew why. I doubt she really cares all that much now, happily married, great kids, etc. I just feel like it is something I want to do for me and maybe her.


She's happily married = you stay away

"and maybe her"? Pretty presumptuous there.

Don't do it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:iagree:


samyeagar said:


> Looking over all the different threads you have going here, I think it would be a very good thing for you to get some individual counselling, so help you sort through these things. It seems as if you still have unresolved feeling for your ex and that is creeping into other areas of your life. It seems like you are going in pretty much all directions at once with no clear destination. Counselling can help bring clarity and focus that I think you need right now.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

From a spouse that just found out DH had contact via FB 2 years ago with an ex-girlfriend, LEAVE it alone. Although my DH did not initiate, he took responsibility for responding and claimed "closure" as a reason. If they are married, respect that and leave them alone.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Here is your closure:
High school. You got dumped. Your feelings were hurt and you were embarrassed. You ignored her. She figured you were 'hurt and embarrassed'. She helped you in college. End of story.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Just don't!

I've given some thought about emailing my ex-wife, in my case not because of reconciliation but a) because I want to apologize for some stuff I did and b) I am curious what is going on with her, ie if she is happy because I am with my new GF, and the word I hear is that she's not. 

My GF has said she's ok with contact -- but even if she is I decided its a bad idea. She's my EX and that ship has sailed. I am staying 100% no contact. If I run into her in the real world I won't burn her at the stake anymore. Will say Hi and keep on walking. 

If my ex contacts me, I will show it to my GF and ask her what she wants me to do. Similarly, she lets me know when her EX contacts her (generally just a text happy birthday) and she doesn't respond. If it was more than that, I'd expect her to tell me but overall we both go with no contact.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Does this seem idiotic? Bad idea and asking for problems? Again, not really even looking for her reply but sort of just want to get it off my chest.


Yes, this seems idiotic.

Yes, it is a bad idea and just asking for problems. Leave her alone, she is happily married and probably doesn't much care about your feelings about the breakup all those years ago.

Don't burden HER because you want to "get it off YOUR chest." 

Tell your dog instead.

Bob... you are becoming a "PTS" -- *prolific thread starter* -- and you seem to be spinning over many different issues just in the last few days:

your wardrobe
your bald spot
whether certain women are too young to date
finding a freak in bed

And why do you want to contact your ex (today) when you just posted (yesterday) about meeting the perfect woman on a blind date (the sister of a friend) who you can't wait to start seeing?

My advice, take a deep breath and let some of these thoughts go.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why are you even thinking about ex's in high school?

I mean, sure, I think occasionally about the first girl I fell for when I was in high school. And even though things didn't work out well, I wish her well.

And that's all.

Sure, if I ran into her, and it came up, and my wife was around, I'd probably try to explain things.

But, hell, I was a stupid kid acting stupidly in high school around stupid girls. Whatcha gonna do?

I forgave myself for that crap long ago. And I suspect that girl did, too.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Yes, this is totally stupid.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> I am sure some will say this is totally stupid given I am now in my 30s. However, we dated for a year in high school and in that time, that was an eternity! To this day, I still consider her to be the best partner I could have had.
> 
> I am NOT looking to build a relationship there, get chatty on the phone, I just want to send her a detailed email explaining myself. When we broke up, I started acting like a tool and ignoring her simply because I felt she was too good for me and I was almost trying to protect myself because there were a LOT of eyes on us as of the few stable couples in high school.
> 
> ...


Well I am an European and although I've been in your country it seems you guys function very differently - no pun intended. Difference is not bad - is just that difference.

In Europe we will do exactly that - contact her, get together for a coffee and talk like old friends. I would like that although except my ex husband nobody left me However after I talked to my ex husband I've got the closure I needed. I am in a fabulous place and I realize that separating was the best thing he could do for me and for that we will always remain friends. 

I don't know if it is OK in US for a married person to have friends of the opposite sex but it is not here is more or less the norm. 
We do need friends of the opposite sex in order to better understand us. I think 

My suggestion, if you allow it, will be to fill up your time with beautiful things for you. Make yourself the most important person in your life. Don't think that somebody is too good for you. Think positive, inspirational - that you can reach to their level and overcome your limits. 
We are all unique and special in our own ways.

When I came here first people told me everything from ( recommending me counseling to calling me a troll ). I am funny and sweet and normal (well maybe not - we all have a dose of insanity) so I took it with a grain of salt. 
I also found people who advice me and supported me and help me become a better version of me 

Good luck 
PS Go to gym - exhaust your body to the max and after that, in tranquility, think about your dilemma - your subconscious may reply.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree with others on here. Leave the woman alone. Don't mess up her house for your own motives. Who knows how her husband will respond from a reach out from an ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OK, OK, I get it!!!! No contacting the EX!! I gotta learn the think before I type... I can see this now as an issue. If an old ex contacted my wife, I might not be super upset but I would be real curious!

I think mostly, I am trying to learn some things about myself, what I need to do better, and I screw up on, how I can make myself a better person all around. I am who I am and I realize that certain things are NOT going to change but I think some things are an easy fix if I know what they are. 

I realize I am sort of bottled up at times and it ends up hurting me because I seem like an Ahole. For example, I have played guitar for 25yrs but even some of my good friends have never heard it! I sing but never even sang for my ex. 

I think I have some security issues and a lot still stems from my childhood and letting prick's comments get to me. Yeah, I realize people will say "fix it" or "go get counseling" because paying someone $100/hr to talk always makes me feel better. 

I am trying to sort some things the best way I know how which is put the issues on the table, and one by one, figure them out.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is what you do. Pour your heart out in the email, print it out and then burn the damn thing. That will be the best closure you will ever get in your life. Her misfortune is that she lost a guy like you and she'll never find one like you. Too bad for her. Hell why are you giving her the pleasure of hearing from you? :scratchhead:


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> OK, OK, I get it!!!! No contacting the EX!! I gotta learn the think before I type... I can see this now as an issue. If an old ex contacted my wife, I might not be super upset but I would be real curious!
> 
> I think mostly, I am trying to learn some things about myself, what I need to do better, and I screw up on, how I can make myself a better person all around. I am who I am and I realize that certain things are NOT going to change but I think some things are an easy fix if I know what they are.
> 
> ...


My advice: the only limits we have in life are those that we themselves set! Follow your instinct. If you want to get in touch with an ex go for it. Life is to short to go with some of the rules society imposed us. 
I would not think in terms like "s...u.." I will rather think in terms like learning lessons. The fact that you want to make yourself a better person proves that you are already on the right path. 
Put yourself first because believe it or not you are and always be the most important person in your life. Learn to love and appreciate yourself and others will follow 
People do not intend to be mean they just express their opinion and sometimes those opinions do not come out in the best way They might have the best intention at heart


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## skyhawk (Jan 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> Write what you want to say. Stick it in an envelope. Burn it.
> 
> If you need closure, it will only come from inside you.
> 
> ...


Best advice!!

You need to get it off your chest, not her, she's moved on. You don't need to make her part of the process for you to deal.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I think I have some security issues and a lot still stems from my childhood and letting prick's comments get to me. Yeah, I realize people will say "fix it" or "go get counseling" because paying someone $100/hr to talk always makes me feel better.


You aren't paying a good therapist $100/hr for you to talk. You're paying them to ask questions that will make you think so you'll examine some of your own headspace. You're paying them to give you some clues and advice about your own behaviors, thoughts, reactions and emotions. You're paying them to challenge you about your issues and help you figure out strategies to overcome them. 

Perhaps _those_ things might be worth your time and money?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I had an an ex from college who reached out to me a year or two later to apologize for being a d!ck --he essentially blew me off out of nowhere and took up with some chick. 

He said he felt really bad for the way he treated me and yada yada. In one ear, out the other. I had moved way on by then and just thought "this would have mattered way more then than it does now." I just told him I accepted his apology, didn't say anything else and never talked to him again. Wasn't interested.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Sounds like:

My Name Is Earl (TV Series 2005–2009) - IMDb


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I had an an ex from college who reached out to me a year or two later to apologize for being a d!ck --he essentially blew me off out of nowhere and took up with some chick.
> 
> He said he felt really bad for the way he treated me and yada yada. In one ear, out the other. I had moved way on by then and just thought "this would have mattered way more then than it does now." I just told him I accepted his apology, didn't say anything else and never talked to him again. Wasn't interested.


I got that from the girl I was head over heels for who just walked away from me before I met my wife.

Then, after I had been married a year or so, my wife and I ran into her at a mutual friend's marriage. She said something to the effect of "it took her years to understand how good of a guy I was, what she lost, how much I cared for her, and how stupid she was to let me go."

Or some such thing. I just shrugged and walked away. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do about it now? And I just felt like this statement was another selfish act by her, that it wasn't for me at all. It was for her to let go of whatever she thinks she did.


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