# Is it normal for a woman to only want sex every few months??



## SexlessMarriageman (Dec 30, 2020)

I am very unhappily married, it wasn't always this way, but it has been for years now, and I have invested a lot of time and energy to try and make it better without any luck. I have read a lot of information, and at first I thought I was not doing enough, or being enough of the right man for my wife, but after all I have tried and failed, I am starting to realize it is not me it is her. It is really frustrating that a lot of the stories you read are about how the man needs to do more, and how it is because we don't that this is happening, I am here to tell you, that with some women that is just simply not true at all.

I have stayed married to an affectionless, loveless, sexless wife because I didn't want to harm my children, and miss out on half, or more of their lives, but now that they are approaching adulthood, I am starting to think more now that it may be time to move on. I have tried talking and explaining how I feel and what my needs are, and nothing ever changes, I don't know how she became so unaffectionate, and needs no affection. I am literally always the initiator and if I don't, I would never get any affection at all.

I have never posted anything like this in my life, I guess due to the lack of people to chit chat with these days I thought I would try this, and I guess I am embarrassed about my marriage. 

Also, I know that it has been asked of me, when I talk to my guy friends, do I make sure to pleasure her, and do I rush sex, does she orgasm? I always perform oral on her first EVERY TIME she has multiple orgasms, I pay close attention to her breathing and her body, after she finishes one I massage her let the sensitivity subside then slowly strart over until she is grabbing my hair and squeezing my hand and at that moment is so into it it is such a turn on for me, I will admit upon penetration sometimes I don't last too long, but I do last longer other times too, and she does orgasm during penetration sometimes but no not every time. I am definitely a very generous lover, and I will do anything for her enjoyment, so it is not that I am a selfish lover.

I would really like to hear from married women that are in the same situation, and women that don't want sex, and understand why, and do you think it hurts your marriage?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Either she has a really low sex drive and doesn't care that she is denying you an adequate sex life, or she isn't attracted to you anymore and has sex with you once every few months just because she wants the physical experience.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What have you tried out of curiosity?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you say affectionless, does she ever hold your hand, or kiss you or give you a hug? How long has she been like this? What does she say when you bring the subject up? Would you say that she loves you? Or is she also unhappy?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> I have stayed married to an affectionless, loveless, sexless wife because I didn't want to harm my children, and miss out on half, or more of their lives


Dude, this is your doing. You can't blame anyone but yourself. What you actually have achieved is to teach your kids what a dysfunctional relationship looks like normal, because, (please do not try to deluge yourself), kids actually are not that stupid, they actually do pick on most vibes between parents. You chose to live with your wife the life that you are living now (children actually notice for your info.). You did not have the balls to end it when it should had. Whatever her reasons, those are hers, not yours, plus you don't have a say on those reasons, only how you react to them. YOU chose to stay.

Nothing, and I'm really sorry to tell you, NOTHING will change; everything will remain the same as long as you keep accepting the "status quo" in the name of protecting your children. This is one of the most common reasons men in today's society use as a cop-out to manning up. Children are better served in two happy homes than in a miserable one.
I'm talking from experience. I got out after only three months of no sex, but previous, few months of coldness in my first marriage. Best decision I ever made.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So I'm always intrigued when I hear a guy say that his wife has no sex drive but somehow has all these orgasms when they do have sex.

This just doesn't conpute for me. A woman who's that orgasmic is going to want sex.

The issue as I see it is that she doesn't want you. There could be a lot of reasons for this and many have nothing to do with you....you may well be a great generous lover.

So let's start with this:

Has she always been like this? If not when did it change?

What kind of shape is she in and how is her body image? I think a lot of men don't realize how much body image impacts a women's drive because many men love their wife’s body and want sex even when she doesn't feel good about herself, so there's a disconnect. 

After you answer these questions we can dig further.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> *Is it normal for a woman to only want sex every few months??*
> It is really frustrating that a lot of the stories you read are about how the man needs to do more, and how it is because we don't that this is happening,


Yes, it's normal. It is the normal behavior of a woman who has married "a good man", "a good father", "a good provider"...... and has selfishly considered only HER goals in marriage, and couldn't give a rat's a$$ less about her husband's needs. Only hers. She chose her comfort zone, with disregard for her sexual attraction toward her husband.

And, she is entitled to the point of giving herself permission to continue this one-sided farce of a marriage. She will, of course, make sure she is lavish with her "audition sex", we all know it is a "tool" to "get" a man.....

For many unfortunate men, this drought begins when she becomes "mommy". One of her husband's purposes has been fulfilled, that of sperm donor. Sometimes it begins during her first pregnancy. When it's time for another pregnancy, she will give her husband sex during the "most fertile days" following her last "friend". Following a positive test, sex will again be discontinued.

In other cases, sex almost completely dies at the end of the "in love" period (from "falling in love" to "who cares ?" - about 18 months on average.

In these cases, it utterly does not matter what the man does. He cannot "win" her attraction and desire, no matter what he does, how much he does, or doesn't.



SexlessMarriageman said:


> I don't know how she became so unaffectionate, and needs no affection.


"became" does not apply. Most likely, your wife was ALWAYS unaffectionate, and always needed no affection. That's why what you do doesn't matter.

Something "lost" can be "found". Something NOT LOST cannot be found.



lifeistooshort said:


> A woman who's that orgasmic is going to want sex.


Unless her orgasms are fake.



lifeistooshort said:


> The issue as I see it is that she doesn't want you.


That's how I see it, too.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

This isn't very complicated....

The others have said it....It's not what you are doing, sounds like you are a good guy....But it takes more than being a good guy....If a guy wants a fulfilling sex life, then the woman has to desire him...She has to look at him as he walks by and want to jump him....When you find that type of woman, you will understand....This woman isn't it....She's giving you pity sex because she probably knows she can't completely cut you off....so she does the bare minimum....She's probably dreaming of some other guy she has a crush for when she is having those orgasms you are saying... if she's not faking it altogether......Just bear in mind that there are women that adore men and have huge sexual desire for that actually abuse them ....While I am giving and extreme example, I am just making the point that it's not what you are doing or not doing or being exceptionally nice, kind, etc....she just isn't feeling it for you...

But to answer your basic question, while I won't say all, most women love sex and any type of sexual activity, flirting, banter, etc...Doesn't matter what age, while I can't speak for women over. say 60 or 70, most under that I have known are actually hornier than the younger women..While certainly life changing physiological events could mess with libido, there are ways around that as well for those situations...Also , the point another poster mentioned about body image can also wreck a woman's desire...so you do have those situations, but for the most part heterosexual women want some regular ****...

If you felt it was right to stay for the kids, fine....that's great, and I actually think it is better for the kids,(provided there isn't a lot of drama and fighting) rather than be shuttled around to different houses and deal with different people in their lives, etc when at a younger age...Kids don't care if their parents aren't sexually satisfied...they do care if their lives are disrupted...

So here you are...you made it to the finish line with the kids...Now it's time for you to find the proper partner that will fulfill your needs....The only caution I can give you is that there are no guarantees that you will find it....or that if you find sexual compatibility that none of the other boxes get checked...But if you stay in your situation as you have now, then you really don't have a chance to experience anything else..so consider that, , anyway...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Welcome to TAM. Your story is really common with men at your stage in marriage. The cold hard facts are that the very large majority never get the sexuality they desire. It would seem at best that an unsexy compromise is agreed upon.

Here is why you will never be successful: you have to be willing to lose your marriage to make it better. She knows you aren’t going anywhere.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TJW said:


> Yes, it's normal. It is the normal behavior of a woman who has married "a good man", "a good father", "a good provider"...... and has selfishly considered only HER goals in marriage, and couldn't give a rat's a$$ less about her husband's needs. Only hers. She chose her comfort zone, with disregard for her sexual attraction toward her husband.


You have learned well my man. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sexless, when you said, "I thought I was not doing enough, or being enough of the right man for my wife", I knew at that point you received the wrong programming about women. There a two reasons why she ain't giving it up for you. 1. She is asexual and has no desire. 2. She has no interest in you. Its about 1% and 99% respectively for 1 and 2. In either case, you don't get any nooky. Its basically incurable Dawg. Neither 1 or 2 are correctable. Giving it up for you every few months is a strain on her and it will be next year, and the year after that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ve seen women that I knew were mistreated and used by the guys that they were with, yet these same women wanted sex all the time.

No, it’s not normal. 
It seems normal for married men to stay in a relationship like this and come up with excuses. 

If you ever manage to break out of your thing, you’ll be very sad you didn’t do it sooner.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Pretty much the same situation here, except I moved into a spare room a year ago, and have repeatedly declared my intent to divorce at a convenient time in our lives.

My latest notion of what has been driving her ability to treat me coldly (completely zero affection of any kind) is her resentment, towards me and other things in life; perhaps with a bit of a subconscious passive aggressive and punitive aspect. But the “why” doesn’t matter any more. I really don’t care to know, and doubt it is knowable in a meaningful sense.

Intellectually, I understand it is not normal or necessary to stay in a cold loveless marriage like this. However, it’s hard to feel that. I have to remind myself that relationships exist where both partners meet each other’s needs and add joy to their lives together, rather than one partner just refusing to engage yet be entitled and expecting his or her partner to still meet their needs. Reading here helps with that.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Either she has a really low sex drive and doesn't care that she is denying you an adequate sex life, or she isn't attracted to you anymore and has sex with you once every few months just because she wants the physical experience.


Those are real possibilities. I think are many more, some variations thereof.

For instance, she could have some non-zero amount of sex drive, expects him to cater to her needs and wants, and at the same time gets some sick pleasure denying him the contentment and satisfaction he so desires.

That is, perhaps deep down in her psyche, it could be about using him, seeing him jump through hoops and be concerned about earning her crumbs of love, and at the same time enjoying the denial/frustration of him.

Or it could be about keeping him “around” but not caring for him to be happy, or caring to keep him unhappy.

It could be a power trip, consciously driven or less so.

Or a “come here” but “go away” waffling in her, where she lets herself be vulnerable only when she finds enough courage, or maybe fears detachment enough she gives in.

OP, the possibilities are endless. You can play whack-a-mole the rest of your life. She may not help, she may interfere, or she may cheer you on. Do you think there is a good chance the game is rigged, and she’ll make sure you can never win?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had a long period where I didn’t desire my husband and blamed it on the way he was. I was pretty awful but so was he to get me to that stage. He would just touch me or mention sex and I wanted to disintegrate. 

I won’t bore you with how I got there, but I made a decision one day to just be kind and be the first person to make a start at letting go of everything in the past that was hurting me - and in the end I had other issues that had nothing to do with him!! I was however very truthful when I rejected him.

Now, I desire him all the time - I just smell him and think of him and all I can think of is having sex with him! I sometimes think I’m crazy because just sleeping next to him makes we wake him up and I really do need my sleep, and so does he poor man. 

Look, in the end, it has to come from her. That’s what you want and you can’t force it.
Things just weren’t changing from his end and I just made that decision to be the first person to try and things are so different now. I am sure he is probably exhausted most mornings. I hope that the same things happen for you in your marriage, good luck.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@Luckylucky,

I’m sure many of us would not be bored to hear how you “got there”. Quite the opposite.

Also, I’m curious what you mean by being truthful when you rejected him.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t want to badmouth him, but he didn’t treat me well, so he became repulsive to me. And I openly told him this. I was also absolutely drained by small kids, stress and some childhood trauma, a health issue that dragged on for a decade and I felt I had nothing to give when I got my head on that pillow after a horrible day I just wanted him to hold me sometimes. So it wasn’t all him & for every rejection I let him know the exact reason why.
Also if it helps, the more he initiated and pressured me the more I pulled back. It made me feel less love towards him and like he wasn’t listening. 
I always always enjoyed it though once it happened, and we still had regular sex by most standards now that I’ve read some stories here.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

no, def not normal.
I would suspect some hormonal imbalance, OR she is having an affair and sex with you would be "cheating" on her BF


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

TJW said:


> n these cases, it utterly does not matter what the man does. He cannot "win" her attraction and desire, no matter what he does, how much he does, or doesn't.


He needs to read NMMNG and plan his exit ASAP. As someone else mentioned, she is very orgasmic but doesn't care at all for her husband. Maybe she has boyfriend the OP hasn't yet discovered.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Was there a time when you were not as...attentive as you are now? When you didn't initiate for example? Has she ever been affectionate - hand holding or kissing or verbal affirmations and that kind of thing? Any instances of infidelity from either of you? 

It seems odd that she is so engaged when she is with you but that she doesn't want it more often...

It made me wonder if there is something she is upset about that is effecting her drive - I think another poster mentioned weight gain or low self-esteem. Have you encouraged her to go to a doctor to see if there are health concerns effecting her drive?

What I saw in 2 relationships was a sudden dive in drive from my partner. With XH it was because he was seeing other women, and with ex-bf it was because he lost drive with age and was too embarrassed to go see a doctor about it so he pretended it wasn't happening and hoped the problem would go away. Have you had a long talk with her about how it makes you feel when you are rejected, and how it feels being the HD person in the relationship? Has she talked to you about what it's like to be the LD person? I have always been the HD person and from my partner's perspective that was seen as "being mad I couldn't get sex when I wanted it" whereas when we sat down and talked he saw how painful it was to want a bonding experience and to share one of the most wonderful things in life with someone you love and having them push you away. To me it made it clear how for the LD person the pressure of your partner wanting something from you that you can't just magically switch on puts you in a difficult position of having to either fake it and do it against your will or turn them down and hurt them. Put like that I understood. Still decided not to stay in that relatioship because he chose not to address the issue and continue to pretend it wasn't happening but it made it clear to me how seldom it is that the LD person in a relationship is actually cold, cruel and aloof. Sometimes they just aren't feeling it. They aren't evil. Maybe they are just not a good match for you since your drives don't align.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through. Was there a time when you were not as...attentive as you are now? When you didn't initiate for example? Has she ever been affectionate - hand holding or kissing or verbal affirmations and that kind of thing? Any instances of infidelity from either of you?
> 
> It seems odd that she is so engaged when she is with you but that she doesn't want it more often...
> 
> ...



I like your understanding of the different drives. I have a decent drive when I like my partner but it will absolutely turn off if our bond is damaged.

And it's also not aa good when my fitness drops because I don't feel good about myself. But I also try very hard to keep it up....that's not my partner's fault.

It is hard to accept incompatibilities. I can't tell you how many higher drive people I've seen on here that not only wanted more sex, they wanted their lower drive parter to enjoy it like them. So they essentially want to force the lower drive to be higher drive. I can understand this....nobody likes to feel unwanted... but you just can't force that. I need a partner to either come to me willingly or not at all.

Besides...if one can demand a lower drive change why couldn't one also demand a higher drive change? If you can demand a lower drive want it more why can't you demand a higher drive want it less? If you van demand people change then everyone could be asked to change. These two may well just be incompatible.

I hope the OP cones back and answers the questions that have been asked here.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Besides...if one can demand a lower drive change why couldn't one also demand a higher drive change? If you can demand a lower drive want it more why can't you demand a higher drive want it less?


Here’s one to think about. How many of these high drive folks (disclaimer I am one) changed their drive to be higher over time? During the “new relationship energy” NRE phase of a relationship how frequent was the sex versus the time when this partner brings up an issue on frequency? Even though I am the HD or sexual pursuer I would say if anything mine has gone down slightly over time.

If the LD partner was to end their current relationship and begin a new one would they be LD during the NRE phase with a new partner?

Is LD an immutable characteristic? I would assert no unless there are physical issues. I suspect many LD partners if they enter a new relationship are probably having sex quite a bit more than they did in their previous relationship.

So LD might mean LD for that partner but not asexual. In this case the HD person needs to figure out what they are doing or what they did to become unattractive and fix it.


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## SexlessMarriageman (Dec 30, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> What have you tried out of curiosity?


Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


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## SexlessMarriageman (Dec 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> When you say affectionless, does she ever hold your hand, or kiss you or give you a hug? How long has she been like this? What does she say when you bring the subject up? Would you say that she loves you? Or is she also unhappy?


She would likely not ever hug, kiss, hold hands, with me if I did not initiate it, she seldom initiates any kind of affection at all. She doesn't really have an opinion about it we have talked about it, and I guess she maybe is ok with it because her parents are in a loveless marriage too. I don't think I have ever seen them be affectionate to each other in 22 years that we have been married. I don't want to end up like that, I feel like that is where we're headed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> I don't want to end up like that


Sorry to inform you that you're already there.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

@SexlessMarriageman dude... Choreplay definitely doesn’t work.

I suggest you immediately buy and read/listen to “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by Dadstartingover. It is a quick TL;DR of something like “The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” by Athol Kay. It may or many not apply to you but check out “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.

Just the first reference I think will help you immensely.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> Still decided not to stay in that relatioship because he chose not to address the issue and continue to pretend it wasn't happening but it made it clear to me how seldom it is that the LD person in a relationship is actually cold, cruel and aloof. Sometimes they just aren't feeling it. They aren't evil. Maybe they are just not a good match for you since your drives don't align.


I introduced the notion above that someone withholding from his or her partner may be getting something kinda of sick out of the withholding. I forget the exact words I settled on, but I doubt I conveyed very well what I think. I’d like to elaborate.

There are people who are overtly cruel, generally and easily abusive, with little or no conscience to reign in their behaviors. Some are sociopaths or have personality disorders making behaviors natural to them that most of us would naturally not do.

I’m NOT thinking of those sorts, when I think of my wife, or the OP’s wife.

And then there are good hearted people, genuinely and generally kind, loveable, desirable, and sometimes desiring. Yet, for some reason apparently unknown, someone like that might listen to his or her partner express a suffocating long-standing burden of hurt from chronic rejection, be able to intellectually understand it in the moment, yet be apparently unable to effect any sort change.

And I mean any.

I don’t expect my partner to will into existence a burning desire to **** my brains out. I do expect my partner to want to want to (sic) find a way to make me feel loved, honoring the fact that emotional and physical intimacy is and always been an important want or need of mine. I expect my partner to feel morally motivated and to feel a desire to find a way back to some of what we had before. Because she loves and values me.

When a partner does not “want to want to” find a change that works, and the partner is otherwise a decent human being and partner, then I think one needs to consider there may be a conflict inside that partner, a conflict beneath the surface of consciousness. A conflict that results in a good person being unloving, perhaps even behaving punitively and cruelly, towards the person they previously claimed to love.

Set aside relationships, and consider internal-conflict-driven behaviors one might have towards oneself. Lots of us self-sabotage, behaving in ways that are harmful to ourselves that don’t make any sense at all on the surface, and which are in contradiction to our essential goodness and fitness for life. Consider the productive, hardworking employee that is late to work everyday, despite being taken to task for it, and there being clear career-limiting reprucussions. What’s hard about getting to work on time? — nothing outside of himself, let’s say. Maybe internally, he gets some sort of satisfaction by limiting his success, or causing trouble for himself; if so, I see that as cruelty, self-cruelty. Something that harms only himself, but something that a part of himself desires. I consider that sort of behavior a bit twisted/sick, but probably not uncommon.

Consider the anorexic, the person with OCD, the depressive, the hermit, etc. There might be multiple/complex things driving the behavior that ultimately causes self-harm. Some drivers are biological. Some drivers might be psychological, energy-sucking dramas played out by actors beneath the surface of consciousness. Drivers that in some sense can be seen as “negatives”, despite seeming logically consistent at some level. I don’t know what language to use to characterize such drivers, but they are not nice or pleasant things, they hurt people. But the individuals trapped by them, the same individuals putting them in motion, are not necessarily “bad”, and are most likely decent and good in essence.

So, when I say in some cases there may be cruelty or punishment or controlling involved, and that it may at some level be a bit twisted and sick, these are the sorts of things I have in mind.

A nicer foe on the surface than the overtly evil ones some surely have encountered. But extremely challenging to recognize and disarm.


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## SexlessMarriageman (Dec 30, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover


Thank you for the books, I just got them on my kindle, Always welcome the advice.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


Read NMMNG! Your wife no longer respects you, hence doesn't want you. First confident man she meets will take her away from you, maybe already has. Stop doing all work around the house and fire the housekeeper. Stop doing everything YOU don't want to do! Start doing whatever YOU want to do. Use the $600 every month to buy things and experiences that you enjoy, if you get my drift. Since she doesn't want sex with you, grant her wish totally. Cut her off from all of it. That means no more oral or anything that you initiatef. No more giving her multiple orgasms. If she initiates oral or wants to mount you that is great but DO NOT reciprocate. Just enjoy YOURSELF. She has some mending to do. Be sure birth control is in place, maybe a vasectomy would be appropriate, anyway just be 100% sure as this progresses that you don't father a child with her. 

You likely should get ducks in row for separation/divorce too. Take charge of YOUR life! No More Mister Nice Guy! 

This may bring things back around, maybe not. But it is your only chance, and if you end up divorcing her that was where this is headed anyway.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

By the way it’s ok to do work around the house if it needs to be done and you feel like doing it. Don’t do it as a covert contract where you’re thinking, “If I do X, Y, or Z then maybe she will want to have sex with me.” That is all nonsense.

Read those reference books they will help you a lot either way. You’ll either become more attractive to your wife and she’ll want to have sex more often or you’ll have yourself straightened out for your next partner(s).


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Being a "good guy" is simply a losing strategy. Before marriage and after it.

Bud, you're deep in the friend zone! good luck!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do.


See my man. I knew if you just put your mind to it, you could identify your problem with women. Now you just need to re-think what you future actions will be now that you've proven working your azz off for the queen don't get you laid. Oh, one other thing. Quit reading the articles in women's magazines advising you what to do. You see what's that got you so far. If I was you, I start looking to ditch this iceburg and planning an exit and replacement. Sides that, you'd be shocked at the number of guys in so called sexless marriages that discover their wives have been banging other guys for years while they, themselves was paying the freight. I use to be one of these other guys.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


OMG. Please stop. It's like you are her servant. If you do nothing else, change things so that she's doing her share. Just stop.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have definitely been reading the wrong stuff!! Your a total slave to your whipping master.
Your ideas of what creates attraction is totally wrong. Your making it worse.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Sides that, you'd be shocked at the number of guys in so called sexless marriages that discover their wives have been banging other guys for years while they, themselves was paying the freight.


Most likely that is where it is with the OP right now. She ain't cumming multiples cuz she's thinking about him!


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> By the way it’s ok to do work around the house if it needs to be done and you feel like doing it. Don’t do it as a covert contract where you’re thinking, “If I do X, Y, or Z then maybe she will want to have sex with me.” That is all nonsense.


I say the OP has a strong point to be made, best accomplished by doing NO work around the house. If it gets filthy, let her clean it up. If he wants to work on something, go to the gym and work out. Or work on his golf game, fishing, any other hobby.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> Here’s one to think about. How many of these high drive folks (disclaimer I am one) changed their drive to be higher over time? During the “new relationship energy” NRE phase of a relationship how frequent was the sex versus the time when this partner brings up an issue on frequency? Even though I am the HD or sexual pursuer I would say if anything mine has gone down slightly over time.
> 
> If the LD partner was to end their current relationship and begin a new one would they be LD during the NRE phase with a new partner?
> 
> ...


Agreed. An LD in a new relationship would likely make sure it happened fairly regularly (at least) as part of the courtship.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Here’s one to think about. How many of these high drive folks (disclaimer I am one) changed their drive to be higher over time? During the “new relationship energy” NRE phase of a relationship how frequent was the sex versus the time when this partner brings up an issue on frequency? Even though I am the HD or sexual pursuer I would say if anything mine has gone down slightly over time.
> 
> If the LD partner was to end their current relationship and begin a new one would they be LD during the NRE phase with a new partner?
> 
> ...


Well, to be honest, my drive increased in both my marriages the longer I was married and the more comfortable I became with them. Which was a problem for THEM, because they were the opposite...so, also a problem for ME too I guess...Lol!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> See my man. I knew if you just put your mind to it, you could identify your problem with women. Now you just need to re-think what you future actions will be now that you've proven working your azz off for the queen don't get you laid. Oh, one other thing. Quit reading the articles in women's magazines advising you what to do. You see what's that got you so far. If I was you, I start looking to ditch this iceburg and planning an exit and replacement. Sides that, you'd be shocked at the number of guys in so called sexless marriages that discover their wives have been banging other guys for years while they, themselves was paying the freight. *I use to be one of these other guys.*


WHAT...??? YOU were an "other man"...!?! 

I guess I've missed those posts...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, to be honest, my drive increased in both my marriages the longer I was married and the more comfortable I became with them. Which was a problem for THEM, because they were the opposite...so, also a problem for ME too I guess...Lol!


There you go folks! So you started as HD and became even more HD.

I think at some point I would have problems keeping up and I would be LD.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> There you go folks! So you started as HD and became even more HD.
> 
> I think at 3x a day I would have problems keeping up and I would be LD.


Ok, to be fair, I never demanded or expected THAT much...I tried to be empathetic...they had construction jobs, after all!! Lol!

In fact, I never demanded anything at all...where's the fun in that??


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Female here, read a few of the responses and not surprised by some of the male response, some never stop blaming women. You mentioned you are able to please your wife in the bedroom, that she has multiple orgasms when you have sex. I would say he enjoys sex with you. Is she turning you down routinely for 3 months? What is happening outside of the bedroom? Are the two of you continuing to date and keeping the flirting alive? I have found women shut down if they are hurt or there is a lack of connection. Men blame lack of interest on drive (and yes, we do not have the drive men have but that doesn't mean we are not interested) but I have ALOT of girlfriends and all of them like sex. So when I hear a man complain about lack of sex I feel it is saying he is not fulfilling her needs outside of the bedroom. Women are not as complicated as you men think we are. We actually tell you are needs, it's just that most times it seems our words are translated to "fits" or met with deaf ears. You have to keep the flame alive, you have to let her know you are interested in her and not just in sex. You have to flirt and court. Put that energy into your marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> WHAT...??? YOU were an "other man"...!?!


He isn't the only one.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> WHAT...??? YOU were an "other man"...!?!


Actually a little worse. Or better, depending on your perspective.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Women are not as complicated as you men think we are. We actually tell you are needs, it's just that most times it seems our words are translated to "fits" or met with deaf ears.


I don't think women are complicated at all. They like romance, they like challenge, they disrespect men groveling at their feet, they want to feel sexy, wanted, desirable, special and beautiful., they want their man to know how to listen and have a mental connection as well as a physical one. They don't want a male housekeeper, errand boy, "yes my queen" guy, man-baby, and probably the worse of the breed, a stay a home dad.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> Female here, read a few of the responses and not surprised by some of the male response, some never stop blaming women. You mentioned you are able to please your wife in the bedroom, that she has multiple orgasms when you have sex. I would say he enjoys sex with you. Is she turning you down routinely for 3 months? What is happening outside of the bedroom? Are the two of you continuing to date and keeping the flirting alive? I have found women shut down if they are hurt or there is a lack of connection. Men blame lack of interest on drive (and yes, we do not have the drive men have but that doesn't mean we are not interested) but I have ALOT of girlfriends and all of them like sex. So when I hear a man complain about lack of sex I feel it is saying he is not fulfilling her needs outside of the bedroom. Women are not as complicated as you men think we are. We actually tell you are needs, it's just that most times it seems our words are translated to "fits" or met with deaf ears. You have to keep the flame alive, you have to let her know you are interested in her and not just in sex. You have to flirt and court. Put that energy into your marriage.


That’s all good info, worth considering and taking action on by anyone seeking to be a good partner, and especially those experiencing desire differences with their partners.

But, I think it is worth keeping in mind some women report having no desire simultaneous to having no particular complaint about needs being unmet by her partner. Or at least that’s how I took the two posts I’ll link to here:

Is this it?









Is this it?


As always, she's a gold digger, she just wants his paycheck, she's cheating, she doesn't love you, etc., etc., etc. AS A WOMAN the thing that jumps out to me with age and desire level is HORMONES. Given your age now and the time frame, she was most likely going through early menopause and then...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Well, the link copying didn’t go so smoothly. The part that I wanted to highlight says: 

“Having hormone issues myself (and a husband who cheated and having cheated myself) *I can sit there in complete bliss with my husband but have NO desire. *Even when I WANT to because I know it hurts my husband. I'm not saying this is THE answer. But it definitely could be a part or even all of it. If it's something that hasn't been explored, it's worth looking into.”


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The OP is clearly not meeting the wife's needs. Maybe he doesn't realise this. If it's been going on for a long time, it's too late. Seems to me that his wife has given up on the relationship and she is staying for the sake of the family. Telling the truth to the husband would mean destroying the family and her life. So, she is keeping it quiet. If she really was attracted to him, respect him, she would have sex frequently with him. My hunch is that she cares about him, but that's it. She doesn't love him. Or at least not enough to have sex frequently with him. It's a bit grim, but **** happens. It's happened to me. And I didn't understand it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Personal said:


> He isn't the only one.


Noooo!!!! But you are always so open and honest...I just can't picture YOU doing that!


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> I am very unhappily married, it wasn't always this way, but it has been for years now, and I have invested a lot of time and energy to try and make it better without any luck. I have read a lot of information, and at first I thought I was not doing enough, or being enough of the right man for my wife, but after all I have tried and failed, I am starting to realize it is not me it is her. It is really frustrating that a lot of the stories you read are about how the man needs to do more, and how it is because we don't that this is happening, I am here to tell you, that with some women that is just simply not true at all.
> 
> I have stayed married to an affectionless, loveless, sexless wife because I didn't want to harm my children, and miss out on half, or more of their lives, but now that they are approaching adulthood, I am starting to think more now that it may be time to move on. I have tried talking and explaining how I feel and what my needs are, and nothing ever changes, I don't know how she became so unaffectionate, and needs no affection. I am literally always the initiator and if I don't, I would never get any affection at all.
> 
> ...


The children suffer the same (Bad marriage V divorce) The children are better off when allowed full access to both happy parents. That is my view point.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Actually a little worse. Or better, depending on your perspective.


WORSE...my perspective is that it's worse...Lol!
But how could it even be "a little worse"...because you weren't in love with her? Or did you do it with alot of women??

You know that's really hurtful, right...?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Noooo!!!! But you are always so open and honest...I just can't picture YOU doing that!


One was a dear friend at her request, it was also brief and I didn't carry it on beyond one night with her. She was also using me in part to get at him and I participated knowing that from the get go (I also wasn't with anyone else at the time). Plus her marriage was coming to an end at the time, although they stumbled along together for a bit longer before they finally ended it. We are still friends (and happily she has now been married to a terrific man for a long time now), and my wife also knows about my past with her.

Another was a woman who I was on a promotion course with. We wanted each other (lust/love at first sight) and felt a connection the moment we laid eyes on each other. I was recently divorced and she was married and a few years older than me. When it became obvious to others what was going on between us, someone who knew her from her home unit, told me she was married. So I decided to end it before it got very far, because I felt it was poor form at the time. Yet I still kissed her and played with her when parting ways with her.

I was also picked up by a married woman for sex, while I was out drinking one night and I happily obliged her.

So it's not something I have frequently done with married women.

Although I have had a few women dump their boyfriends to be with me. Even my wife was in a relationship with another man, when she asked me out on our first date.

All the other times that I have been propositioned, asked to have sex by some married women, I turned them down since, I was already in exclusive relationships with other women at the time.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


As you have found out that isn't the path to a splendid sex life. grocery shopping, domestic duties, maintaining cars and all the rest have nothing to do with sex.

Being sexual, being good at sex, being forward, being direct, being lustful and wanton, being generous sexually and also being selfish sexually, are some of the things that when combined go a long way to generating more sex.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> I don't think women are complicated at all. They like romance, they like challenge, they disrespect men groveling at their feet, they want to feel sexy, wanted, desirable, special and beautiful., they want their man to know how to listen and have a mental connection as well as a physical one. They don't want a male housekeeper, errand boy, "yes my queen" guy, man-baby, and probably the worse of the breed, a stay a home dad.


Many men don't get this. The actions have be be part of your every day interactions and not something a man does just to win his princess. Women are relationship oriented and want the feeling of security (in some form) with the man they are with.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> That’s all good info, worth considering and taking action on by anyone seeking to be a good partner, and especially those experiencing desire differences with their partners.
> 
> But, I think it is worth keeping in mind some women report having no desire simultaneous to having no particular complaint about needs being unmet by her partner. Or at least that’s how I took the two posts I’ll link to here:
> 
> ...


Yes, as the hormones change some of us lose the desire while others desire increase. If this is a situation where the wife could be entering menopause I would definitely suggest the hormones being checked by a specialist as there are remedies for this.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> I don't think women are complicated at all. They like romance, they like challenge, they disrespect men groveling at their feet, they want to feel sexy, wanted, desirable, special and beautiful., they want their man to know how to listen and have a mental connection as well as a physical one. They don't want a male housekeeper, errand boy, "yes my queen" guy, man-baby, and probably the worse of the breed, a stay a home dad.



This should be incorporated into marriage license applications. 

Feminists don't speak for most women. And many feminists secretly want a strong dominant man.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> See my man. I knew if you just put your mind to it, you could identify your problem with women. Now you just need to re-think what you future actions will be now that you've proven working your azz off for the queen don't get you laid. Oh, one other thing. Quit reading the articles in women's magazines advising you what to do. You see what's that got you so far. If I was you, I start looking to ditch this iceburg and planning an exit and replacement. Sides that, you'd be shocked at the number of guys in so called sexless marriages that discover their wives have been banging other guys for years while they, themselves was paying the freight. I use to be one of these other guys.


The majority of print media, TV shows, and movies all push this narrative of being more helpful and sensitive. While you should always make sure you do your fair share around the house and are in tune with your wife’s needs, both of these things in excess lead to wives losing respect for their husbands. 

I would not be surprised if OP’s wife is involved in an LTA. It sounds like she has completely checked out of the marriage and is just doling out quarterly duty sex.

you should be implementing a quick 40 day exit plan. Get your ducks in a row and prepare yourself to cut her out of your life.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


That's not a good dynamic for a marriage. You're doing everything like you're a parent and she's a child. That doesn't generate sexual attraction at all. You can't exchange chores for sex. If her parents are cold and unaffectionate, that's what she's learned is normal in a marriage. Why would she behave differently?

Stop what you are doing. Drop the housekeeper. Tell her you can't afford it any more and that she'll have to pick up the slack. Do half the chores, your fair share, and behave as though you expect her to do her own fair share.

Put the money and time you save towards hobbies and activities for YOU. Get a gym membership. Buy a motorcycle. Take a welding course. Learn to fly a plane. Whatever strikes your fancy, but make it something that boosts your own skills and self-worth outside of your marriage. Your self-confidence is not derived from whether or not your wife has sex with you. Invest in yourself instead of your wife. She's not reciprocating, so it's wasted effort. You can't change your wife to be loving and sexual. You CAN change yourself.

She'll either respond to that, or you'll be a better man after you divorce. It's win win for you either way, and she gets to make her own choice if she's a winner or a loser.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’re incompatible. Divorce her and stop wasting your time/life you’ll never get back.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SexlessMarriageman said:


> Where do I begin, since most of the sources of info out there tell you that if you're the man, and your wife is not being affectionate and withholding sex, maybe your not doing enough. I am now currently paying $600 per month to have housekeepers come every week, I cook 90% of our meals, I wash the cars every week, I do most of the laundry, maintain all of the cars do the grocery shopping, and take care of the animals. I have nothing else to add, I have no idea what else I can do. I am sooooo burned out, it is like I have to fight for any affection, it leaves me feeling worthless. I just don't understand how she can be ok without love, affection, intimacy, and sex, I feel empty.


You are a servant and doing too much. Quit it! Most women do not get hot for their servant.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Every few months...Hell to the No! Been married 24 yrs basically 5 nights a week average right now.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> Female here, read a few of the responses and not surprised by some of the male response, some never stop blaming women. You mentioned you are able to please your wife in the bedroom, that she has multiple orgasms when you have sex. I would say he enjoys sex with you. Is she turning you down routinely for 3 months? What is happening outside of the bedroom? Are the two of you continuing to date and keeping the flirting alive? I have found women shut down if they are hurt or there is a lack of connection. Men blame lack of interest on drive (and yes, we do not have the drive men have but that doesn't mean we are not interested) but I have ALOT of girlfriends and all of them like sex. So when I hear a man complain about lack of sex I feel it is saying he is not fulfilling her needs outside of the bedroom. Women are not as complicated as you men think we are. We actually tell you are needs, it's just that most times it seems our words are translated to "fits" or met with deaf ears. You have to keep the flame alive, you have to let her know you are interested in her and not just in sex. You have to flirt and court. Put that energy into your marriage.


What you said is no doubt true in many cases. But it's worth noting that some women just want to be wanted. That is, their emotional and security needs are met by knowing her man wants her, spends time with her, and is committed to her. For whatever reason, sex still doesn't enter the picture and it's not seen as a problem by the low drive partner.

At that point resentment enters the picture, because the high drive partner feels used. I guess the takeaway here is that we should not just view a good sex life as the result with fulfilling her needs as the motivator. Sex needs to be more integral than that.

Because, it goes both ways. Just as he needs to meet her needs to have a good sex life, she must meet his needs to get hers met on an ongoing basis. It is a self-reinforcing loop, not a one-way flow.

I've been with ladies that felt it was okay to get their needs met and not reciprocate. Then when I speak up and/or pull back, they complain and make it sound like I didn't step up. So when I hear these stories, I have to wonder whether the is what's happening.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

DTO said:


> What you said is no doubt true in many cases. But it's worth noting that some women just want to be wanted. That is, their emotional and security needs are met by knowing her man wants her, spends time with her, and is committed to her. For whatever reason, sex still doesn't enter the picture and it's not seen as a problem by the low drive partner.
> 
> At that point resentment enters the picture, because the high drive partner feels used. I guess the takeaway here is that we should not just view a good sex life as the result with fulfilling her needs as the motivator. Sex needs to be more integral than that.
> 
> ...


Who is saying the female partner has low drive? She might have lots of pent up passion but the male partner is either doing things that push her away or make her feel unloved or unwanted. 

I don't think ladies like to feel forced upon. So you gave freely but then you had expectations of reciprocation and that made them feel uncomfortable. I do not mind giving but I want that to be something I want to do and not something that is asked of me.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> You have definitely been reading the wrong stuff!! Your a total slave to your whipping master.
> Your ideas of what creates attraction is totally wrong. Your making it worse.


This. ^^ Stop rewarding bad behavior.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

AVR1962 said:


> I don't think ladies like to feel forced upon. So you gave freely but then you had expectations of reciprocation and that made them feel uncomfortable. *I do not mind giving but I want that to be something I want to do and not something that is asked of me.*


I don't think this is a very healthy attitude in a long-term monogamous relationship at all...how do you know what your partner needs if they aren't allowed to communicate it to you? Aren't you saying here that you are only willing to give to your partner what YOU want to give, and not necessarily what HE needs or wants? Can you see that that's not truly GIVING...?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> Who is saying the female partner has low drive? She might have lots of pent up passion but the male partner is either doing things that push her away or make her feel unloved or unwanted.


Is this question directed at me? I was told this by her directly. My custody evaluator (psychologist assigned to look into my divorce) made a comment to me (after speaking to both of us at some length) that it might sound strange, but their are people out there who have sex twice a year (birthday and anniversary) and feel fulfilled.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

While some situations are more deep than this, I can tell you that a lot of guys don't do themselves any favors in this area with how they look and act...

I take very good care of myself, but most of my guy friends don't...Most are carrying way too much fat, don't groom themselves, have horrible physiques, think it's funny to fart in public, etc...Then these same guys complain about their wives not putting out...I don't pay all that much attention to what their wives look like or how they groom, etc, but just looking at it objectively, starting to care a little bit about how you look and carry yourself may resolve a problem like this all by itself, without all the drama and bs...

At least it's something that is within someone's control, anyway....The other stuff will be what it is...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> Most are carrying way too much fat, don't groom themselves, have horrible physiques, think it's funny to fart in public, etc...


That was funny and sadly true. But I know a lot of guys like these and they have a fabulous sex life.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

DTO said:


> Is this question directed at me? I was told this by her directly. My custody evaluator (psychologist assigned to look into my divorce) made a comment to me (after speaking to both of us at some length) that it might sound strange, but their are people out there who have sex twice a year (birthday and anniversary) and feel fulfilled.


So she has told you she has low drive but yet you say in your first post that she was able to have an orgasm. It just seems to me that something is missing here, something has changed. If she is old enough to be experiencing perimenopause symptoms then go to a specialist and have those checked. I get the feeling from what you are indicating that you feel you have tried everything but sometimes men do not understand there own lack of actions. I know you mentioned cleaning and that sort of thing but have you continued to date her? Are you spending time looking at porn and she knows it? Are you flirting with and seeking the attention of other women? There are so many variables that influence the way she feels for you.You can't expect to vacuum the carpets and she will want to have sex with you. It is how you treat her daily. If your wife was not the type to have sex twice a year in the beginning of your marriage and while you were dating something has changed.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't think this is a very healthy attitude in a long-term monogamous relationship at all...how do you know what your partner needs if they aren't allowed to communicate it to you? Aren't you saying here that you are only willing to give to your partner what YOU want to give, and not necessarily what HE needs or wants? Can you see that that's not truly GIVING...?


I did not say that at all. That was not at all what I meant. There should be open communications and I am not going to purposely not oblige a desire my husband has. I do feel a woman has the right to say "no" to her husband as there are some things a man wants to do that perhaps the woman is not comfortable with. I think she then has the right to express this and not be expected to perform that act. Just because my husband gives me oral sex does not mean I will immediately reciprocate. It depends on what is being asked and what the other person is expecting. Again, communication is key.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> So she has told you she has low drive but yet you say in your first post that she was able to have an orgasm. It just seems to me that something is missing here, something has changed. If she is old enough to be experiencing perimenopause symptoms then go to a specialist and have those checked. I get the feeling from what you are indicating that you feel you have tried everything but sometimes men do not understand there own lack of actions. I know you mentioned cleaning and that sort of thing but have you continued to date her? Are you spending time looking at porn and she knows it? Are you flirting with and seeking the attention of other women? There are so many variables that influence the way she feels for you.You can't expect to vacuum the carpets and she will want to have sex with you. It is how you treat her daily. If your wife was not the type to have sex twice a year in the beginning of your marriage and while you were dating something has changed.


So first off we're long divorced and my story is just a cautionary tale for people reading this. Married at 20/21, split at 36/37. Menopause and such not an issue.

But to summarize, she's a low drive person; her FOO was not sex-positive. Notably, she started to believe that only intercouse was okay. Oral, toys, etc not happening. Intercourse doesn't produce reliable orgasms, and sweat & fluids were gross anyways. She never MB and didn't like when I did.

The "new" wore off and sex was low priority. As life happens, there was always stuff to do beyond household needs: friends, church, hobbies, etc. Frequency kept decreasing.

Her complaints: the house wasn't nice enough (we couldn't afford upgrades like she wanted, I made 2x what she did). Her car (4 y/o and nicer than mine) wasn't nice enough. Deprioritizing her for bad sex was abusive.

I knew we likely would not last, did not want more kids with her, and did not want a second family, so I told her I would get snipped. She was upset because somehow I cheated her. 

So yes I could have spent my free time working a second job, slaving around the house, having a bunch of kids, letting sex go and see if it helped. But I was already doing the most at home on top of making the most $$ and wasn't going to add to my plate until she demonstrated a willingness to make my needs matter as much as hers.

After a second marriage, she no longer dates because "men have expectations". Our kid vented at me because she liked her step-dad and was troubled her mom was not affectionate with him.

I'm super glad we had no more kids. She couldn't raise one on her own half-time and I've been it for 2+ years.


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