# Cheating wife, trouble coping



## fasblan (Sep 10, 2013)

In an effort to not make this whole situation identifiable, I'll leave out some specifics to my story but try not to leave out any important details in the process.

late 30s, married for well over a decade, with two kids. Our marriage hasn't been easy, and has been in a decline for years. Recently (about a month ago), she came clean about an affair that has been going on for roughly half of our marriage. I'm told that it's only been an emotional affair, but honestly at this point I'm having trouble trusting anything I'm told, but I'll stick with what I know to be the truth.

Her telling me coincided with some severe disruption in the other guy's life (wife left him, job problems etc...), whether that caused them to break it off and she came clean, or whether it's just a coincidence, I don't know. I only know any of this because that's what she's told me.

We've been going to counseling for the past 6 months or so, and we had done so 2-3 years back as well, and I've now learned that this affair was ongoing through both attempts.

So there's the background. Now, I'm trying to come to terms with this, and in the process, my wife has shown virtually zero remorse. In fact, in her words, she doesn't feel any guilt. What's worse, she's insisting that it is partially my fault. I'm more than willing to admit that the marriage problems are in part mine, but I refuse to accept any responsibility for the affair.

In addition, while Im trying to get my head wrapped around all of this, and we're still going to counseling, I'm having it thrown at me that I'm "stuck" on the affair and not trying to work on our marriage. I guess I don't know how to get past the affair and work on the marriage when the person I'd be working on it with can't accept ownership of her actions and can't bring herself to show remorse. 

And it's not from lack of trying. I've made it VERY clear that I'm hurt by this, and that I need her to feel something, anything. 

I'm kind of at my wit's end here. I don't want my kids stuck in the middle of anything, and I don't want to disrupt their lives any more than I have to, but I don't know how I can reconcile with someone who is openly putting blame on my shoulders for them cheating on me.

I've tried to talk to her about how hurt I am, and I just get "I'm hurting too". I've listened to her talk about how hard it is not talking to the other guy, but I get told I'm not getting past it when I talk about how hurt I am.

I can only assume (I know, ass, u, me) that she knows I'm right, knows it's not my fault, knows she should be remorseful, or sorry, or something, but is clinging onto innocence to make herself feel better. I just have no idea how long, if ever, it'll take for her to get a grip on the reality of the situation.

I'm not even sure I'm looking for advice, just looking to vent a little.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My advice if you want it is file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Her affair is why the marriage was in decline, not the other way around. 

What she is doing to you is called blame shifting: oldest cheaters tool in the chest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You can't be happy married to this woman.


----------



## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Do you know the guy? How do you know it wasn't physical, if it matters to you?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Some so called 'Emotional Affairs' really are just that, because the two parties are separated geographically or for other reasons that prevent them from being physically with each other in private.

If they were alone together at any time then they had sex.

Hope this helps.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

No remorse, no reconciliation. It's not going to happen. She'll do it again. My WW has remorse coming out her pores. She's so remorseful at first i thought it was an act at, but now I truly believe she's sorry and means everything she says. It's the only way I am able to get through this whole thing. If I even thought she wasn't remorseful or tried to blame me I'd be gone. My personal opinion is you've got problems, start planning for the worst and hope for the best as they say, but be careful.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You now have a cheating wife as an excuse. Maybe it gives you a right to cheat on her and tell her about it after half a decade later.

/sarcasm


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

No remorse, divorce you will not be happy with her.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sorry your hear, but the interaction between you and your WW sounds like the interactions between me an my WW. She blames me for not moving on and trying to fix the M, yet she won't help me in the healing whatsoever. It sucks and sorry you are hear. IF you figure it out, drop me a line and let me know what worked so I might try it as well.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Wish mine had remorse coming out of her pores. Once in a while she cries about it, but that's about it. 

Dude, half your marriage, and during counseling? What a waste of time. Seriously.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You now have a cheating wife as an excuse. Maybe it gives you a right to cheat on her and tell her about it after half a decade later.
> 
> /sarcasm


She has shown you who she truly is believe her. Have you exposed to her close friends and family. You might as well tell them why you are divorcing her.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

She told you but fels no remorse. It sounds like she told you for damage control. Why is OM getting divorced?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Stop wasting money on counseling. There's no point if one party is not into it and faking. Pure waste of money.

Spend the money instead to protect your assets, bank accounts, etc.

Spend the money to get legal advice on your options.


----------



## fasblan (Sep 10, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> Do you know the guy? How do you know it wasn't physical, if it matters to you?


Don't know him. An ex coworker of hers from several years back. I had heard the name from time to time but that's about it. I only know what I've been told, and like I said initially, I'm trying to stick with the facts that I've been told. They're damning enough TBH.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Talk to the other guy's ex-wife. Get the story, tell her what you've been told. I'd bet the story doesn't match and she has deeper dirt.

Given that your WW is unremorseful, blame shifting, and trying to get you to do all the heavy lifting...

It just smells like a damage control move. It is already a continual veiled threat that if you screw up again for whatever reason, she can have an guilt free affair and say it's your fault. 

I'd recommend doing some mirroring. Start adding more insecurity. Tell her: By that rational she does believe in, you are a free man and can 'one up' whatever your spouse does to torque you. Long term EA... then you are free to go into PA land by her rights. You'll need to decide if that's something you are interested in and will let her know... or not as that is also how this works and was part of how she believes marriage dynamics go. 

Turn the worm, plant the seeds and watch them grow in her head as she contemplates what married life should be versus what she has with you. What can happen? She'll have an affair? You are past that point. R or D. That's all there is left so you might as well know what you have to work with.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she was probably forced to confess to you due to some reason you may not be aware of. 

Get as much details of her activity during these years(Phone records, credit card bills and emails.)

Maybe once you have the full knowledge, you can make a more proper decision


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

fasblan said:


> I only know what I've been told, and like I said initially, I'm trying to stick with the facts that I've been told. They're damning enough TBH.


OP, first sorry for the spot you are in.

This second part is not to upset you. 

Your statement above needs rethinking by you. Cheaters lie. That you could consider a fact with reasonable certainty. 

Believing what you have been told is a fact... that is a stretch. You have been told a story. It may be based on partial truths, but you cannot assume it is fact.

Just my .02. But, if she has no remorse... your R will not be truly successful.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

My ankle was soaked in tears and snot before I considered staying after findoing out about a month long EA. There needs to be real action on your part. If not then she can continue to tell herself she was in the right. She has had a long time to justify the A to herself. Now she needs to have the lies ripped away. It's not pretty but you need to act like a man on a mission. Start doing the 180. Do not agree to R. take several months to decide what you want. Then decide to D, or R based on a more clear perspective. If she doesn't learn remorse you will likely D.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Racer said:


> It just smells like a damage control move. It is already a continual veiled threat that if you screw up again for whatever reason, she can have an guilt free affair and say it's your fault.
> 
> I'd recommend doing some mirroring. Start adding more insecurity. Tell her: By that rational she does believe in, you are a free man and can 'one up' whatever your spouse does to torque you. Long term EA... then you are free to go into PA land by her rights. You'll need to decide if that's something you are interested in and will let her know... or not as that is also how this works and was part of how she believes marriage dynamics go.
> 
> Turn the worm, plant the seeds and watch them grow in her head as she contemplates what married life should be versus what she has with you. What can happen? She'll have an affair? You are past that point. R or D. That's all there is left so you might as well know what you have to work with.


On Dday in the very beginning my W tried to pretend it was all ok and she had done nothing really wrong. She had been telling herself that because it was online it wasn't an A. I told her the M was over by her choice and that I was going to the local bar to F any willing women I found until I forgot her name.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It isn't normal for emotional affairs to last as long as hers without there being something intimate there. Given enough time EA can fizzle out and lead to more dangerous EA's especially if they know nothing else will ever happen due to factors like geography, and other forces outside of their control. So for it to be existing as long as it has makes no real sense... unless they had something more tying them together like physical intimacy or lots of Face to Face contact which given then amount of time would have lead to sex. She is minimizing her affair to try to prevent her character from being compromised. She sounds like she has been manipulating you for sometime now and knows how to work you and keep you oppressed. It is time to start doing some serious digging especially in the phone records and bank records. See if some of the trips she took really went to the locations she said she went to.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talk to the OM's W.

I'd bet money that the 'confession' happened because OM got his a** thrown out because OMW caught them. Your WW was afraid that his BW was gonna contact you so she got out ahead of the curve and started gaslighting you about what happened.

Now she is trying to rugsweep and blameshift fast so this gets behind you before you can investigate.

If you contact OMW, you will probably have much more of the story about what really went down.

Too bad OMW DIDN'T bother to expose to you. It would have saved you years of pain and confusion.

Just another example of why exposure to the other BS is the best road to take.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

And don’t forget another common theme of WS. She will tell you the spouse of the OP is always vindictive and crazy and prone to make things up (that whatever she tells you will be a lie). Your WW may try and convince you that she might be violent and any contact might endanger the kids or result in some sort of legal problem or get her fired or_____. Scare tactics. 

Just don’t forget who’s already lying to you and has over and over and over about her relationship.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

An affair that has lasted half your marriage. Unforgivable.....


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> An affair that has lasted half your marriage. Unforgivable.....


:iagree:


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

From what I've read, it seems that maybe and if I'm wrong, the I apologize, but your a nice guy and trying to fix the problem by going the nice guy route and I feel that way because you said she shows no remorse. And she won't because of that. What to do.

Drop the hammer on her. Right now, you have to think about yourself just like she's doing. She stepped out on you for half the marriage and you said your married for well over a decade. 

I'm not trying to stir the pot but if she was in this affair for five years, I would bet the house it was way more than emotional. You can't go that long in a affair with out sexual contact so what you need to do is look at the situation and assume the worst. A 5 year affair were talking about.

It's time you put her on notice in a way that she see's that the nice guy left the marriage and the heel has arrived and tell her that your filing for a divorce and that as of now, she's in for a life changing experience. This isn't something that you have to think about. It's something that is necessary because she's making no attempt to improve the situation and as long as you let her get away with it, then it will get worse. Honestly if she's been cheating for half of your marriage, you don't have a marriage and I would end it and on your terms.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am a nice guy. Or so people tell me.

I forgave my wife for her affair. Yes, I 'niced' her and it worked. (This was done out of pure ignorance on my part.)

But... half of your married life, she was cheating on you and living a lie? :wtf:

And she wants you to forgive her and "get over it"?

Really? She means that seriously? :scratchhead:

Ask her how she thinks you can do this?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

as others have said---you mge has been in turmoil, cuz she was demonizing you, as justification for her being in love with her lover

You have no shot at anything, as long as her attitude is "I AM HURTING TOO, CUZ I CAN'T TALK TO MY LOVER"

You mge is dead----your kids will be much better off in split homes, that may be reasonably happy

Right now you are pi*sed at her for cheating, and she is pi*sed cuz she can't have contact with her lover-----this is going nowhere fast

If there is any chance to yank her from her attitude---it has to be with her facing a petition for D---maybe that will wake her up

For HALF OF YOUR MGE, she has had another man as her H-----you have no chance here, you were just the bankroll, even as you are today,---stop beating your head agst the wall----she is grieving for him, as to you---what is her attitude---"get over it"-------once again----end this mge. it is a farce


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Racer said:


> And don’t forget another common theme of WS. She will tell you the spouse of the OP is always vindictive and crazy and prone to make things up (that whatever she tells you will be a lie). Your WW may try and convince you that she might be violent and any contact might endanger the kids or result in some sort of legal problem or get her fired or_____. Scare tactics.
> 
> Just don’t forget who’s already lying to you and has over and over and over about her relationship.


I got this big time. don't fall for it.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh is the counselor telling you to get over it?

The guy is local?

How do you know she is not having an affair NOW? Is she transparent and accountable for all time. When I discovered my wifes EA I had a 600 mile barrier and a near 100% ability to account for her time.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

It is understandable that you will present here only the details you know of. Fine. If you still believe what she has arleady told you, we would not find you here.

We know you are hurt and we know that you know that she has more things untold.

You need to get all the facts. Work on that.

Work also on yourself, so that the shock of reality may not hurt you as much as it would when you are not ready for it.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Half the marriage and you have kids?

Are you sure that *you* have kids ?

It's hard to believe that it was not physical for that long. Doesn't make sense. Adults don't go that long and not have sex. 

So, DNA test the kids. Let her know what you're doing, and why.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Uh is the counselor telling you to get over it?
> 
> The guy is local?
> 
> How do you know she is not having an affair NOW? Is she transparent and accountable for all time. When I discovered my wifes EA I had a 600 mile barrier and a near 100% ability to account for her time.


I can say the same for my wife almost to the exact phrasing, except her OMs were about 500 miles away. Then I found out it went PA that she was meeting them still for a PA, one she met half way several times (she took the day off from work, something she would never do for me, and I never suspected she would do for him as she is a teacher) and lied about meetings she had after school to give her the extra time she needed. The other, well he came to town and f'd her in out home when I was out of town on business and my youngest was upstairs asleep. She had no morals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I can say the same for my wife almost to the exact phrasing, except her OMs were about 500 miles away. Then I found out it went PA that she was meeting them still for a PA, one she met half way several times (she took the day off from work, something she would never do for me, and I never suspected she would do for him as she is a teacher) and lied about meetings she had after school to give her the extra time she needed. The other, well he came to town and f'd her in out home when I was out of town on business and my youngest was upstairs asleep. She had no morals.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow that's a lot like my FWW. Of course she denies sleeping with any other men but any reasonable person would probably conclude there's more in my case. All I heard was "Why would i lie now?" 

Yes. I was asked over and over, by my untrustworthy FWW "Why would I lie?" 

Very few things mystify me in life, or fill me with the wonder I felt as a child watching magic tricks. But that comes pretty close. 

Needless to say, I quit asking the question.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How could such a long EA not have gone physical? Has your sex life been good? OMW is the key to the puzzle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Paternity test the kids. It is cheap easy fast and private. You can do it from home. Spend a few minutes on google and you will have several options. Should be around a hundred bucks to test a child. You do not need your wife to participate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

As far as the effects on the kids:

Your kids are much better served by setting an example that they NEVER have to sit idly by and accept emotional manipulation and abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason.

Divorce, with prejudice, under this situation is much better in the long run for their emotional development than continuing to expose them to the environment of an entitled adulterer.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have your head on straight.
You are dealing with a cheater, so she is in crazy land and you are in reality.

First of all, there is zero likelihood and I mean zero that this was not a physical affair.

You should talk to OM's wife to find out the truth and extent of the affair. You should then expose this affiar (assuming you have proof) to your families and friends, and then you should file for divorce. You should stop going to counseling since that is useless while she is in the affiar fog. File for divorce and don't stop until you see remorse.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> As far as the effects on the kids:
> 
> Your kids are much better served by setting an example that they NEVER have to sit idly by and accept emotional manipulation and abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason.
> 
> Divorce, with prejudice, under this situation is much better in the long run for their emotional development than continuing to expose them to the environment of an entitled adulterer.


:iagree: THIS! 

Ya, she's telling you now for damage control. There is no other reason for her to have ever said anything, since you were oblivious. She's not even remorseful about it, which is another clue...she's just telling you that something inappropriate went on, but it's not that big a deal (she doesn't want you to have anything over her). It's called minimizing.

Be prepared for trickle-truth, as you can expect variations of the truth to start rolling out over time. It's all based on what she thinks you know about the situation....if she thinks you know about her kissing the guy at the company Christmas party, she'll reveal that to you, as if she's coming clean, making her self feel all high and mighty for even telling you.

All of this (the guy losing his job and getting a divorce) points to a likely scenario...the OM's wife found out about them, and now your wife is in damage control mode. Unless you can think of some other reason she would tell you this now, I would assume the above.

Don't believe her, and don't take her word for it. Don't trust her.

You should contact the OM's wife and file for divorce...see what trickles out of your wife's mouth when you do.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

All of us knows that you are in shock and pain because we all have gone through the same.

But this is the time to take out your head from the ass and see the things for what it is and act like a real man.

Then what to do, Sit with her and ask her to give you the complete truth about her A. Inform her that this is her last chance. If she is not ready or still try to blame **** ask her to stop this nonsense else you will file for Divorce.

Get tested for STD/HIV.
Get a paternity test as the A was this long.
Do the 180.

The OM was a co worker and you still believe it was only EA.REALLY? 
You know why she confessed, because OMs wife busted them and informed the work place so the trouble in OMs family and work place. So contact the OMW and find the details of the A first (After that only sit with her for the talk).

I think now you know why your marriage was in trouble for the past half a decade.
Remember one thing for a true repair WS needs to be truly remorseful and ready to do anything to heal the BS. One more thing is needed for the true R, that is a BS who see things for what it is and not ready to take any Bull Sh!t from the WS.

If she is still in blameshifting and not remorseful then see an attorney and file for Divorce. BUt why you wanted her in your life even after a half decade Affair?


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> All of us knows that you are in shock and pain because we all have gone through the same.
> 
> But this is the time to take out your head from the ass and see the things for what it is and act like a real man.
> 
> ...


Yup.. this... :iagree:

She confessed because she was afraid someone else was going to tell, and wanted to 'confess' instead of being outed.. also allows for the years of sneaking and sleeping around to turn into an "EA"... ya.. sure.... I'd buy that one for about 10 seconds...

Change the He's to She's.. and this is what you'll need, it doesn't sound like she's close to any of these, so yea.. 180, divorce papers, DNA tests, STD tests etc.. wake up call time. She needs to feel disgusted with herself, feel used and cheap, you need to make it happen.. 

He must be totally honest with you about everything
He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
He must feel your pain.
He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
* He must accept full responsibility for his actions.*
He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
*He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.*
He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
* He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.*
* He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.*
He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
He must be willing to seek counseling.
He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. 
(www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp)

When she says that it's your fault, remind her that you weren't there telling her to drop her pants.. that was her choice. If she says you weren't doing (fill in blank), remind her that she was doing it with the OM so she didn't need you to.. she was too busy pushing you away to justify her poor behavior. If she says your marriage was bad, remind her that it's because she was flirting with men and talking to them about all of your marriage problems instead of you... That she dropped her pants for the first guy to give her a little attention... That you'd have loved to take her to a motel and have her call out of work sick to spend the day with you, she never asked.. because she was setting it up with him...


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

If she is not remorseful your hands are tied and you don't have any choices.

D


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

fasblan said:


> In an effort to not make this whole situation identifiable, I'll leave out some specifics to my story but try not to leave out any important details in the process.
> 
> late 30s, married for well over a decade, with two kids. Our marriage hasn't been easy, and has been in a decline for years. Recently (about a month ago), she came clean about an affair that has been going on for roughly half of our marriage. I'm told that it's only been an emotional affair, but honestly at this point I'm having trouble trusting anything I'm told, but I'll stick with what I know to be the truth.
> 
> ...


Yeah, because it's SO easy to have a great marriage when your spouse spends half of it loving another person.

You get 50% (in reality less because when a WS is away from their AP, they spend A LOT of energy thinking about their AP) of her love, attention etc. and somehow this is a formula that works.

Add half of the eggs, baking powder and sugar to a cake recipe and see what you get.

Also to address the bold part. STOP STOP STOP letting her blame you. Why she's blaming you is because she has ZERO respect for you and your marriage. My exwife had a similar attitude and I was done RIGHT THEN AND THERE. No sorry, no taking responsibility. DONE! STOP trying to convince yourself that this woman loves you. She doesn't. She loves herself and you're an accessory.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Normally I would start out with the A is 100% on the WS and marriage issues are 50/50. Not in this case. The A is 100% your wife's fault and so is 100% of the marriage issues. She left the M 5 years ago. She caused a disharmony in the M over 5 years ago and she can't blame you for a darn thing. 

This A did not end well (like many) and she still has feelings for the guy. I seriously doubt that it is over. His wife found something, caught them, whatever and he bailed. I doubt it. I suspect that disclosure was right around the corner. You need to get all the information from your wife. Names, emails, phone numbers, all account information, no trickle truth, when they met, what they did, what they talked about. If you can't speak to her about this face to face write it down and give it to her. You need to expose this.

Your wife should be open, transparent about the whole thing. When you ask her a question she should answer it, without hesitation.

I suspect she is not remorseful because it is not over. I went through that for over a year.

Of course she will have feelings for the guy and they will go away in time. 

You are not giving her enough consequences. Frankly I would tell her to confess everything in MC or you are done with MC. As long as she blameshifts, gaslights, lies, with holds information, no amount of MC will do you any good.

She is playing you.

I would start the 180.

Get an attorney and don't tell her. Get your finances in order and get ready to file for D. Find out what you can about your legal rights and the kids.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Normally I would start out with the A is 100% on the WS and marriage issues are 50/50. Not in this case. The A is 100% your wife's fault and so is 100% of the marriage issues. She left the M 5 years ago. She caused a disharmony in the M over 5 years ago and she can't blame you for a darn thing.
> 
> This A did not end well (like many) and she still has feelings for the guy. I seriously doubt that it is over. His wife found something, caught them, whatever and he bailed. I doubt it. I suspect that disclosure was right around the corner. You need to get all the information from your wife. Names, emails, phone numbers, all account information, no trickle truth, when they met, what they did, what they talked about. If you can't speak to her about this face to face write it down and give it to her. You need to expose this.
> 
> ...


Are we sure the WW isn't bringing it up to try and push the OP out the door? Didn't the OP say that the AP's wife and the AP are divorcing, making her AP a "free agent"? If the WW loves the AP, why not pursue him but she needs to get rid of the old ball and chain first. (this is if my recollection of the OP is right).


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Like a few mentioned before...

First thing is file for a divorce REGARDLESS of whether or not you want to R. She doesn't respect you nor expects you to have enough backbone to do anything about her actions so you need to send a strong message to her asap. There is nothing short of filing that will have any impact on her.

Second, you probably should just go through with the D. She is not wife material and you can't afford to waste anymore time on someone you basically resents you. Find someone else, there's an unlimited supply of women out there.

Also don't waste your time telling her how much she hurt you, she doesn't care and it makes you look weak to her.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What state do you live in? What brand/kind of phone does she have?

Talk to his wife, I'll bet he is trying to reconcile, that has hurt your wife since he won't take her. That's why she has no guilt, she loves someone else but he's not an option...........yet.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When she rips your heart out and throws it into the fire, you have to put out the fire first and put the ripped heart back into the chest, and get the heart pumping again before you can work on the other issues of the marriage. First things first. Has she cut off all contact and given you a timeline of the affair and all the dirty secrets of the affair? You need to expose the affair to her family, the wife that left the OM and to any children to get the affair fog to start clearing.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fasblan

What should you do?

nothing.

Watch her. Listen to her.

Do not make one commitment at this time.

Get your emotions under control.

Then just when she thinks you are burying your head in the sand.

Do this:
Find the OM's wife and get some answers from her on what she knows about their affair.
Put a VAR in your wifes car to listen to what she says about you and the marriage.
Split your finances 50% but speak to an attorney first.

When your wife asks you if you are leaving her or divorcing her just say this:

"You have been cheating for 1/2 our marriage, you owe me 1/2 of everything."

Then walk away. Watch and listen.

Time is on your side. Maybe you should divorce maybe not.

But until she is remorseful and her sorry for killing your marriage then you have nothing to work with.

I would also want the truth and you will not be getting it from her.

Patience.

HM64


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

If the affair was for years as you indicate it's hard to believe it never went physical. Most guys would push for PA and give up when it obviously isn't going to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What the hell are you doing listening to your old lady for? hell she is the one that has been decieving for years!

I'd plant a VAR in her car and at home....start digging up your own itel and start working with facts THAT AREN;T COMING FROM YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!

Sorry for helling but your current source of intel isn't worth sh1t.

Maybe if you had your own facts you could at least cope with real facts and not the ones coming from a women that has already betrayed you.

Start digging brother you just might be able to cope with what is really going on.

May I suggest a polygraph?

In short, how can you cope when you aren't sure what your coping with???


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is this guy coming back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> I've tried to talk to her about how hurt I am, and I just get "I'm hurting too". I've listened to her talk about how hard it is not talking to the other guy, but I get told I'm not getting past it when I talk about how hurt I am.
> 
> I can only assume (I know, ass, u, me) that she knows I'm right, knows it's not my fault, knows she should be remorseful, or sorry, or something, but is clinging onto innocence to make herself feel better. I just have no idea *how long*, if ever, it'll take for her to get a grip on the reality of the situation.
> 
> *I'm not even sure I'm looking for advice, just looking to vent a little.*


File for divorce and reality will be on its way to met her.


----------



## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Err, what everyone else said. I have a very hard time believing that this didn't get physical. My ex and the OM were close to a thousand miles away and that didn't stop him from buying a plane ticket on the same day she so happened to take time off. Nor did it stop him from showing up in the same town where we were vacationing in (let's just say that I'll never think highly of Indianapolis again).

By having an affair this long, she has more than proved that 1) she's been with someone else and 2) she doesn't value having you around other than funding her lifestyle. If that wasn't the case, then why is she so hurt over no longer being able to 'talk' to him? She is pulling out all the stops in terms of blameshifting, gaslighting, and cake-eating in order to keep you in a position of weakness; which in turn, makes you even LESS attractive to her. 

Face it, she's cheated on you for over half a decade and wants you to take the fall. That's the bottom line. And the moment the OM gets things together, she'll be welcoming him into your....err...her house with you being kicked out the door.

Follow your gut and the advice of the many posters here who have all been through this and worse. FIND AN ATTORNEY AND FILE IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT PASS GO; DO NOT COLLECT $200.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Is this guy coming back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Looks like another drive-by.


----------



## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Well.... the OP may be long gone. But your wife is lying sir. Do whatever it takes to find out who the other mans wife is and get her side of the story. I think your wife told you what she did because they got caught by the other mans wife and your wife was doing damage control.

Talk to the man's wife. Do what others have said, get a VAR and put it in her car. GEt ahold of her phone records for the last few months.

Don't tell her that you don't believe her. Just go into detective mode. GAther information and don't tip her off. You sound like a dangerously gullible man. Listen to people on this forum....they will help you start making healthy decisions.


----------

