# Help!!!



## allsmiles01 (May 5, 2012)

Where to start guess I should say this is my first time on here and any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated! Please ignore my grammer errors as I am not usually one to write how I feel as I am one who likes to face whatever it is face to face. I am 35 years old, we have been married almost 15 years and together 17, we have three wonderful kids one son 14 the other 10 and a daughter who is 6. I was raised with an abusive alcholic father who became sober for good when I was 16 I swore I would never go thru or put my kids thru it. I met my husband one night at a party and we just connected I was 17 and he was 19 we got engaged when I was 19 married at 20 and first child at 21. The first few years were not great but ok no real big problems we were young and done as young would do, we lived in an apartment had several friends who lived in same apartment buildings and hung out grilled and drink a few quite often. My husband and I was always the type that had a case of beer in the cabinet or fridge and it would stay there for weeks or even months as we drank , but reasonbly. I have always been a smaller petite woman 5ft 100-115lbs my husband on the other hand just kept getting bigger and bigger as the years passed,he busted out 3 discs during his job which has been around 13 years ago the doctor told him he would have to have surgery if he didn't lose weight and just put him on pain pills, well he got up t a biggest about 7 years ago reaching about 375 and decided to have the gasto bypass to lose weight( I need to say I always supported him big or small and didn't care if he had the surgery as he looked like a heart attack waiting to happen and I thought it was in his best interest to have the surgery as he had tried and tried to lose weight and couldn't and I wanted him around for my self and kids little did I know what this surgery was about to do to our lives) after the surgery within a year he was down to 185lbs almost sick looking but he got back up to around 200 after this surgery he became more self confident and felt good about him self,well women started paying attention to him he went on an over weekend business trip with his nephew and needless to say had a one night stand but because she lived 3 hours away really could only talk to her over the phone for the next 4-6 weeks that is truly the reason the I think it didn't go any further. I will throw this just out here in the middle he has a very addictive behavior rather its food, pills, drinking, gambling, etc etc whatever makes him feel good but was never like this till after surgery. After his affair I was devastated but knew we had been growing distant for awhile not that, that is an excuse but it happened. I agreed to stay with him we worked things out but nothing has been good since

I had been a stay at home wife most of our marriage but decided when he done that I realized I could not make it on my own if something like this were to happen again so I went back to school so if need be I could make it on my own. I got a job and within a month I was in my own affair I would have never had dreamed this in a million years as I am just not that type.. Marriage is for ever not just when you have a problem you let it go, nedless to say I feel in love with this man and was ready to leave my husband my affair went on for about a year and yes my husband knew it but stood beside me (how I don't know) This was year and half ago have not had any contact in over 7 months as I decided my husband had changed, ( the change I had prayed for, for 12 years) Things were great for 2 months best they had been in 17 years (sad but true).. What I done was in no way right and yes I know I have no reason for it but truly thought I was done. after 2 months my husband went back to all his old ways drinking, pills, being verbally abusive, no attention, no affection, staying gone all the time, hanging out with 20 year olds (which makes him feel young) I have even caught him talking to another woman and he says it was only for the attention and feels like yes he pushed the envelope has he said but it didn't go physical and it was only talking so says he has given me no reason not to believe him, he also had 1st DUI 3 months ago something I thought again I never had to worry about.

People I have endured, endured, and endured and don't know what else to do I have begged, pleaded, cried, prayed and nothing helps, he is destorying himself, our kids and me I am literally driving myself crazy trying to follow and keep up with him have even started counseling and the counselor is just telling me to let god move him in his own time, but how long could this take if ever...

this s only a bit of my story so for 17 years put up with him being mean to me no physically though and letting him do and come as he wants, last 5 years his affair, bankruputcy, my affair, now back to all his old ways plus more pills
and drinking everyday, arguing everyday because I can't take his ways and he says if I can't take it then I need to leave because he is not changing



I feel he has never been there for me, I was very lienent in letting him come and go as he pleased and he talked to me horribly but I guess just thought this was normal as this is the way I was raised

I just don't know when enough is enough and I have tried talking to him and its just one lie after lie out of his mouth???

What do I do I was raised not to give up on your marriage I love him more than anything but I cant make him change and he's not willing to change and feels he is not doing anything wrong I am just ready for some contenment in my life as we won't live forever life is too short


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I often think that people self medicate with drugs or alcohol because of other reasons. Anxiety, mental illness ect. I guess the most important question is, what do you think? Why is he abusing substances and why did you persue an affair knowing the pain that it would cause? Why do you supose he stayed with you through the affair?


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