# Divorce after one night stand, too extreme ?



## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

My friend 34M has been married to 32F for 10 years, they have 2 small kids. He confessed to his wife that he had a ONS with one of his work colleague during business trip but it was just a BJ then he realized that it was wrong and left her room. His wife tossed him out of the house for a month but he came back. After 5 months of R and weekly MC, she said to him that there’s no point to do it cause she can’t see her future with him. She filed for divorce shortly afterwards, it’s still ongoing

Pre-ONS he said that they had a financial problem, they wanted to put their youngest kid to private school but he wasn’t too “special” so they had to donate 25k, he sold his vintage car and he admitted that he was upset and had since directed it to his wife with passive agressive behavior. This was 3 months before the affair

He said he has tried everything, 100% total transparency (he gave all of his passwords,gps tracker, snapchat,she can check his phone and laptop anytime) ,owning up his mistake, tell her that he loves her but his wife still doesn’t trust him anyway. Also she doesn’t believe that it’s just BJ, basically i think her mind went straight to the worst assumption. He tried (still trying) to convince her that it’s the truth but she just doesn’t buy it

I talked to her and it looked like she’s made up her mind, she’s devastated but firm about her decision. She said that the private school donation wasn’t a huge problem and he handled it with being passive aggressive and affair. She said what if the real big problem come, someone got cancer, someone got fired, loss of family member, tornado, etc, how will he handle it? She said that she can’t lean on him again because she thinks he’s a weak person, and she doesn't trust him 

I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ

Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Eh... maybe, but not really. She's making some very valid points about his ability to handle sh*t when it hits the fan. Either way, she gets to feel however she wants about it, and react accordingly.

And yeah, it's a shame. But he did it.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


Not if it's the right one for her. Sounds like she did what a lot of people wind up doing when they get cheated on.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"just a BJ then he realized that it was wrong and left her room"

yeah, that screams trickle truth...cheater story 101

some people can forgive infidelity, some people can't. Sounds like she can't, and has saved a lot of time and misery realizing she can't early on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ire8179 said:


> *Do you think her decision is too extreme ?*


I don't think that anyone else can judge that it is. It's infidelity and it's her rightful choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, isn't it rather extreme of him to throw away his marriage just to get a 5 minutes BJ?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ire8179 said:


> I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ
> 
> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


There is no yes or no answer.

That said, marriage is built and based on trust & faith. Without it, why stay married? Clearly he has obliterated all of that. While it'd be nice to see a reconciliation, I certainly can't fault her for the divorce.


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## crankinfinity (May 5, 2014)

I realize I'm emotionally detached from it, but I think it is an extreme reaction.

There's probably more driving this than we know.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I would say that a lot depends on what their marriage was like before the infidelity.
If they had a loving marriage, she would maybe try and reconcile, but I get the feeling that things were not quite right before he cheated, so his cheating just made it easier for her to end the marriage.
Even if their marriage was good, some people have very strong values and will not forgive such behaviour, so she is right to do what is good for her and her kids.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, isn't it rather extreme of him to throw away his marriage just to get a 5 minutes BJ?


wow 5 minutes???


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ire8179 said:


> He said he has tried everything, 100% total transparency (he gave all of his passwords,gps tracker, snapchat,she can check his phone and laptop anytime) ,owning up his mistake, tell her that he loves her but his wife still doesn’t trust him anyway. Also she doesn’t believe that it’s just BJ, basically i think her mind went straight to the worst assumption. He tried (still trying) to convince her that it’s the truth but she just doesn’t buy it.


She has good reason to suspect more. Very good reason. Who ever knows how much truth she is getting. Maybe the bj confession was a trial balloon for the rest, or maybe the others.

I maintain the betrayed holds all the cards in a situation like this. Remember, the BS has on their hands an unfaithful, untrusting deceiving liar and only they can determine what is plausible and what is not. Apparently she has reason to beleive she isn't getting the whole truth. And all his "efforts" aren't enough to convince her otherwise. Maybe he needed to keep his pants zipped instead.

Again, it'd be great if they could work it out and love each other, but this is a decision out of his hands and one has to respect her decision.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

convert said:


> wow 5 minutes???


You are a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

convert said:


> wow 5 minutes???


Yes, the OP said it was a 5 min bj.



ire8179 said:


> I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm the one that cheated in my marriage; I've never been cheated on, as far as I know. And I would never blame a spouse for ending a marriage for something like this. She's tried, which is more than he had a right to expect (hope for, maybe). 

Trust, once broken, is not always repairable. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> She has good reason to suspect more. Very good reason. Who ever knows how much truth she is getting. Maybe the bj confession was a trial balloon for the rest, or maybe the others.
> 
> I maintain the betrayed holds all the cards in a situation like this. Remember, the BS has on their hands an unfaithful, untrusting deceiving liar and only they can determine what is plausible and what is not. Apparently she has reason to beleive she isn't getting the whole truth. And all his "efforts" aren't enough to convince her otherwise. Maybe he needed to keep his pants zipped instead.
> 
> Again, it'd be great if they could work it out and love each other, but this is a decision out of his hands and one has to respect her decision.


Yep and he still works with the coworker do is the giver of bj's. What's the chance that it was not only that and not only out of town?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Different people will have different reactions to the perceived betrayal.
Someone who who has a higher capacity for forgiveness may see this reaction as extreme. 
It may also be activating one of her triggers that is unique to her.

Either way, it's her reaction to have...extreme or not.

I can only relay my experience that in the 15 years I was married to my wife I never touched another woman. Personally I think he would have known something was up once she started becoming too friendly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, how did she find out about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I only respect very strong reactions to infidelity. I respect folks who R with a lot of control and power and I respect folks who D with the same attitude.

Playing fast, loose, and stupid with your crotch deserves a whip not a wrist slap and I am glad this woman can pull the trigger.

She deserves respect for her decision and apparently, she is going to make sure she gets it.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I'd divorce my wife if I found out she gave someone a blow job while married to me, even if he was her gay hairdresser


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Good for her. I respect her decision. Her stbxh is an idiot.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The marriage vows that her H made to her were summarily torched and burned by his covert actions. He should have had some semblance of knowledge of what they, perhaps, meant to her! Obviously, they didn't really seem to mean quite as much to him!

That being said, it is largely her call for either R or D!*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If that's her deal breaker, then that's her deal breaker. And I'm sure you're only hearing part of the story. To allegedly only get a BJ on a business trip when they are alone and unsupervised in a hotel? Yeah, right. As someone else has said: Trickle Truth. We read about this ALL THE TIME here. 

He's your friend, not mine. So I don't believe him for a minute.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

There is no such thing as Just a ONS or Just a BJ. 

Once your partner is intimate with someone else, that is it. Images and pain galore. 

It doesn't matter if it is just once or 50. Pain is pain and some people can't live with it.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Btw, how did she find out about it?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He confessed days after it


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> He confessed days after it


With no prompting? She didn't suspect anything?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ire8179 said:


> He confessed days after it


That's a point in his favor. Did he quit his job? Find something with no business travel?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


An A is worse than a F5. You can't really judge someone's decisions on how to deal with it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Shame the husband thought that getting his d1ck sucked was more important than the loyalty to his family..

Shame so many people devalue Loyalty.. 

My wife looked to cheat or cheated 4x times on me before she left in a ball of fire.. I never cheated back and I am sure no one here would have blamed me if I cheated after the 3rd incident.. 

Loyalty and morals my friend.. People need to find them and cherish them..


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> If that's her deal breaker, then that's her deal breaker. And I'm sure you're only hearing part of the story. To allegedly only get a BJ on a business trip when they are alone and unsupervised in a hotel? Yeah, right. As someone else has said: Trickle Truth. We read about this ALL THE TIME here.
> 
> He's your friend, not mine. So I don't believe him for a minute.



Yes that was what he told me and his wife but she knows him better than i do so i won't underestimate her instinct. 
I'm actually 55/45 believe that it stopped at BJ same with your reasoning above, who knows maybe he just want to relieve his guilt but also save his ass at the same time


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

I have never understood the "it was _just _a BJ." What is the difference from PIV sex? Genitals and orgasm in mouth is in some ways more intimate to me than PIV.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


It matters not what we, people of the internet, think.

It's her marriage and if she wants to end it, that is her decision.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

First of all, there is no such word as "just" when it comes to cheating! It's either cheating or it's not. The first the thing I told my WW was that I didn't want to hear the words "only", "just", once, etc.. She told me that at first they "only" kissed once. I can't explain it, but that bothers me almost as much as all the other crap she did with the posom. 

Reconciliation is very, very complicated. Why people do it and way they don't, and why it works out and why it doesn't, doesn't always make any sense, but then none of this does sometimes.

One of the major reasons I decided to R was based on what I thought the chances of her doing it again. Based on a lot of factors I decided she wouldn't. I know I may be wrong, but I seriously doubt it. If I thought now, or in the future I think she even might cheat again, I'm gone. 

If you can't live with with what your ws did, or if you live in constant fear of it happening again, you should move on, no matter how many "just"s or "only"s there are.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> With no prompting? She didn't suspect anything?


Nope. She said something was off but she didn't think it was as far as an affair. 
He didn't quit his job, still in the same company but the ow has been transferred to another department. She's a single girl 27/28, wife said she was always a flirt but she didn't think her husband would put out


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

That's where I am right now. My wife did a lot of things under my nose for 1.5 years. I found out and it was like a switch was hit. The truth came rolling out. (So I believe) she told all her good friends, and even her mother. I have passwords, and access to all her phone records. 
I don't think it will happen again, but if I am wrong, it will likely kill me. 





HarryDoyle said:


> First of all, there is no such word as "just" when it comes to cheating! It's either cheating or it's not. The first the thing I told my WW was that I didn't want to hear the words "only", "just", once, etc.. She told me that at first they "only" kissed once. I can't explain it, but that bothers me almost as much as all the other crap she did with the posom.
> 
> Reconciliation is very, very complicated. Why people do it and way they don't, and why it works out and why it doesn't, doesn't always make any sense, but then none of this does sometimes.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ire8179 said:


> Nope. She said something was off but she didn't think it was as far as an affair.
> He didn't quit his job, still in the same company but the ow has been transferred to another department. She's a single girl 27/28, wife said she was always a flirt but she didn't think her husband would put out


Does he still travel? Is the "other department" in another geographic location?

Just as an FYI... I wouldn't consider this a ONS. To me, that term is reserved for someone you met and slept with in one night, then never spoke to again. Your friend and this woman had a flirty relationship which stepped over to a physical/sexual relationship supposedly once. 

I still don't blame her at all for her reaction. And the only people I feel bad for are her and their kids. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He was weak and stupid. First, he essentially paid a bribe to get his kid into a private school, when he apparently didn't want to (did his wife push him into this waste of money?). Then he expressed his displeasure first with passive aggressive behvavior, then sex with a coworker. Finally, he confessed - tried to do the right thing, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

In her situation, I'd see him as unreliable too and want to be rid of him.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Yup the minimalization , i think he's still trying to justify it or maybe he realize that he threw away his family and future for a stupid bj. Shame

Last time we talked he's actually got a little irritated when i asked if it's more than a BJ. They weren't drunk so he knows actually what they were doing and that's why he stopped (according to him)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's cheating, and nontrivial.

My ex-wife gave me that "it happened only once" and a bunch of tears.

Imagine finding out years later that it was a full-on affair lasting at least 8 years and more years lying about it.

Your friend's wife could see that type of nonsense could be happening and decided to protect herself from further pain.

Smart woman.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ire8179 said:


> He confessed days after it


In what context? Was he bragging?

But seriously, the W knows that there was more than just a 5 minute BJ. There had to have been prior conversation, flirting and planning. This with a co-worker who is probably still a co-worker. He went through all of that planning and only after 5 minutes alone with his AP, realized he made a mistake? Not buying it, and apparently neither is his W.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, isn't it rather extreme of him to throw away his marriage just to get a 5 minutes BJ?


EleGirl, you just asked the right question.... so important...

He was the one who struck the match... 

Now forcing his wife into the daunting painful task of choosing a fate for her family....

Put the fire out or let that baby burn down... 

she never thought he would ever strike that match

and now its her standing in front of her home watching the flames lick the walls destroying everything she THOUGHT she had.... 

a piece of her soul has died..

No one has the right to tell her what choice she makes from here is right or wrong... it is hers to make and hers alone.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> Divorce after one night stand, too extreme ?


To some yes, to others no. No right answer here.

But IMO, no, not too extreme.




> My friend 34M has been married to 32F for 10 years, they have 2 small kids. He confessed to his wife that he had a ONS with one of his work colleague during business trip but it was just a BJ


Oh, is THAT all it was





> then he realized that it was wrong and left her room.


I doubt it.




> Pre-ONS he said that they had a financial problem, they wanted to put their youngest kid to private school but he wasn’t too “special” so they had to donate 25k, he sold his vintage car and he admitted that he was upset and had since directed it to his wife with passive agressive behavior. This was 3 months before the affair


So what?




> He said he has tried everything, 100% total transparency (he gave all of his passwords,gps tracker, snapchat,she can check his phone and laptop anytime) ,owning up his mistake, tell her that he loves her but his wife still doesn’t trust him anyway. Also she doesn’t believe that it’s just BJ, basically i think her mind went straight to the worst assumption. He tried (still trying) to convince her that it’s the truth but she just doesn’t buy it


Either way, what he did was bad enough. And if she can't get over it and trust him, then, IMO, her decision isn't extreme.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> My friend 34M has been married to 32F for 10 years, they have 2 small kids. He confessed to his wife that he had a ONS with one of his work colleague during business trip but it was just a BJ then he realized that it was wrong and left her room. His wife tossed him out of the house for a month but he came back. After 5 months of R and weekly MC, she said to him that there’s no point to do it cause she can’t see her future with him. She filed for divorce shortly afterwards, it’s still ongoing
> 
> Pre-ONS he said that they had a financial problem, they wanted to put their youngest kid to private school but he wasn’t too “special” so they had to donate 25k, he sold his vintage car and he admitted that he was upset and had since directed it to his wife with passive agressive behavior. This was 3 months before the affair
> 
> ...


Nope. I think she is a smart woman.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's why I don't think it is extreme. 
10 years right? Why ruin 10 years for "just a BJ?"

Well, my wife had an EA and over that time frame EVERY girl's night out, every bit of work overtime, every phone call she walked out of the room with, every time she visited her parents, every time she didn't call back, every time she took the kids to practice and EVEN going to the store became suspect. EVERYTHING. Heck, my kid messed her up when he was born and she occasionally has "accidents" and will take a shower. Yep, those became suspect as well.

Now, imagine a wife with a husband that traveled constantly over a 10 year period........ Unlike me, she KNOWS he had at least ONE completed sex act. She tried for 5 months and there is no rule or requirement for the length of a reconciliation attempt. 

At least he got one.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Here's why I don't think it is extreme.
> 10 years right? Why ruin 10 years for "just a BJ?"
> 
> Well, my wife had an EA and over that time frame EVERY girl's night out, every bit of work overtime, every phone call she walked out of the room with, every time she visited her parents, every time she didn't call back, every time she took the kids to practice and EVEN going to the store became suspect. EVERYTHING. Heck, my kid messed her up when he was born and she occasionally has "accidents" and will take a shower. Yep, those became suspect as well.
> ...


Totally correct... the trauma injury of affairs is serious...

Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont believe it was just a BJ either
I can see her point and dont blame her

point taken, dont cheat
sucks for the kids though

"I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ"
abso****inglutely...but thats on HIM, not HER


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It would be surprizing if they didn't kiss first. So it wasn't just a bj, but in any case, the wife has evaluated the entire relationship.

If the husband wants to fix things, he can accept the divorce and try and date his wife while staying single. (At the very least he should not date until his wife does).

Is she refusing to speak with him about anything but the children and the divorce?

The private school issue could use more explanation. Did the WH consider the school a waste of money? Sometimes a parent will want to spend money on something that the other considers pure vanity. If they do not share common values and perceptions, that will make things difficult.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

missthelove2013 said:


> I dont believe it was just a BJ either
> I can see her point and dont blame her
> 
> "I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down *by a 5 minutes BJ*"


*Well... if that long, actually!*


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Anyone who says it's too extreme to divorce someone for engaging in a sexual activity with a person other than the SO is a certified fool ( no offense). 

There is a very high chance he cheated on her more than just once during the marriage, a co-worker? that explains a lot of things. So what if they were married 10 years? those who think this is a factor for staying are people who are weak emotionally. No one should be taken for granted, that woman is right in her decision because i divorced my husband for the same thing, she probably couldn't take the aftermath, which i have experienced very strongly.

It would be a lot worse if he was naked and making body contact with her, but still i can't blame her....


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> In what context? Was he bragging?
> 
> But seriously, the W knows that there was more than just a 5 minute BJ. There had to have been prior conversation, flirting and planning. This with a co-worker who is probably still a co-worker. He went through all of that planning and only after 5 minutes alone with his AP, realized he made a mistake? Not buying it, and apparently neither is his W.


He said they sat down after the kids asleep and he confessed. Amazingly she managed to stay calm, while she shed few tears the one who sobbed was actually him. Perhaps she had some feelings before it happened but ignored it because she trusted him 

It was definitely unfair to her (and their kids too), essentially he shut her down and chose an affair. He has a problem and she never really had a chance to fix it


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her tears are coming....

this is shock stage...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ire8179 said:


> He said they sat down after the kids asleep and he confessed. Amazingly she managed to stay calm, while she shed few tears the one who sobbed was actually him. Perhaps she had some feelings before it happened but ignored it because she trusted him
> 
> It was definitely unfair to her (and their kids too), essentially he shut her down and chose an affair. He has a problem and she never really had a chance to fix it


As others have addressed, MINIMIZING what the contact was or meant is not the right strategy to show remorse, openness, and transparency.

All it does is show that there clearly was more than admitted to.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> He said they sat down after the kids asleep and he confessed. Amazingly she managed to stay calm, while she shed few tears the one who sobbed was actually him. Perhaps she had some feelings before it happened but ignored it because she trusted him
> 
> It was definitely unfair to her (and their kids too), essentially he shut her down and chose an affair. He has a problem and she never really had a chance to fix it


It is not her problem to fix. It is his. Solely and completely. He chose to cheat.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

and it would take him years if she allowed him to stay...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Fenix said:


> It is not her problem to fix. It is his. Solely and completely. He chose to cheat.


I could be wrong but I think he was referring to the problem prior to the A, the whole school issue and such, with the selling of his car and her demanding the child attend a private school. He had a problem with that and she had as much of an obligation as he did to work on that part, yet he never gave her a chance to fix it by having the A. At least that is the way I read it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's a classic technique to throw everything and the kitchen sink against the wall to see what will stick when the excuses start flying.

Jake in the Blues Brothers movie comes to mind.

It's not my fault!

Blues Brothers Tunnel Scene - YouTube


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I have zero-tolerance when it comes to affairs. BJ--divorce. Intimate kissing--divorce. Intimate contact--divorce. Phone sex--divorce. Sexting--divorce. With no gray area, it's easy to know which side of the line you're on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can see part of why she has decided to divorce at this stage.

If her husband is saying that she reacting in an extreme manner.. then he is not really remorseful and does not get the level of harm that he has caused.

He's stuck on boys will be boys.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> My friend 34M has been married to 32F for 10 years, they have 2 small kids. He confessed to his wife that he had a ONS with one of his work colleague during business trip but it was just a BJ then he realized that it was wrong and left her room. His wife tossed him out of the house for a month but he came back. After 5 months of R *(affair recovery takes AT LEAST two years and sometimes longer depending on many variables)* and weekly MC, she said to him that there’s no point to do it cause she can’t see her future with him. She filed for divorce shortly afterwards, it’s still ongoing
> 
> Pre-ONS he said that they had a financial problem, they *(they or she?)* wanted to put their youngest kid *(how old?)* to private school but he wasn’t too “special” so they had to donate 25k, he sold his vintage car and he admitted that he was upset and had since directed it to his wife with passive agressive behavior. This was 3 months before the affair *(sounds like he agreed to sell the car through gritted teeth and that resentment was expressed through an affair - wrongly so)*
> 
> ...


I think he should have stood up on the money.... he was weak once then... then choose poor behavior to cope with the anger from that... that's weak twice... She "says" she wants him stronger, yet I wonder what her reaction is when he stands up to her. 

I don't know about y'all but $25,000 to put a young child in private school... that is a TON of money.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

For some people cheating is a dealbreaker. 

I agree with her decision...and I especially see her point about if he shows this weakness over what is essentially a small issue in life, how would he react when something far more serious arises?

Your friend was selfish and foolish in the extreme.

I think he deserves no sympathy...its better placed with his BW and family.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He threw his marriage away and she decided not to give it back to him.

I can't fault her for it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Give her points for being decisive and additional points for waiting 20 weeks to mull over her future before coming to a decision. 

Sounds like she did the right thing for her. Can't fault that. Not at all.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not everyone has the same line in the sand when it comes to trust and what they'll accept or not in their marriage. He crossed hers and she held on to her standards. More power to her.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> she doesn't trust him


At its heart your friends affair (long or short) is a significant betrayal of trust. That destruction of trust is a most vociferous relationship destroyer.



ire8179 said:


> I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ


From the very first moment a spouse chooses to betray their partner sexually with someone else. In every instance they immediately risk the destruction of their marriage.

At the end of the day your friend, proved that he was happy to give up his marriage for a blow job.



ire8179 said:


> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


No I don't think her decision is extreme, I left my first wife when she first played away. Your friends wife can't help how she feels, I wish her well for her future. Likewise I also wish your friend well, I hope he is more mindful of how significant trust really is to an adult sexual relationship in the future.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> At its heart your friends affair (long or short) is a significant betrayal of trust. That destruction of trust is a most vociferous relationship destroyer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This is not so hard to understand... in my EXWs affair ...she did things with OM that was a DEALBREAKER for me...everyone here has their own dealbreaker and this was hers..Not really so hard to understand...

When one betrays their spouse ..they run the risk of losing their marriage...male or female...simple as that..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, no. If it is too much for her to cope with, then it is and that's all there is to it, sadly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It is ironic that so many peoples' first response is that it's a shame that the BS will "throw away" a marriage instead of cheating spouse throwing away a marriage over something like a bj. Not on this site but in general. Probably related to so many peoples inability to deal with conflict and to "rock the boat".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ
> 
> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


10 years of marriage wasn't burned down by a 5 min BJ.

Ain't that simple and in this case BS has the smarts, i.e. how he reacted by getting with an OW when things didn't go his way (my wife is so damn unreasonable - serves her right mentality as he sat down to enjoy his BJ). It also sounds like this was possibly the first time things didn't go his way and let's face it, it was his child's education, not some hare-brained idea of BS that was on the line. And of course the passive-aggressive stance which almost certainly BS already had experience of before. . . 

All in all I reckon it was probably a good decision. 

Let's face it, now he can have as many BJs as he likes and BS can find herself a faithful husband. They do exist. In fact the vast majority of husbands are!

And BS doesn't have to do the dreaded R - takes years and you're with someone who is like a reformed alcoholic - they could always do it again. BS will always doubt them at some level - always.

Also, for some folks any betrayal, EA, ONS, PA is a dealbreaker. And from what I read on here I'm beginning to think they're right. 

If you can't keep your marriage vows, then p*ss off. 

I like it. 

Also OP. Would you like to be married to him?

PS I'm a BS so I'm biased. OK?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He believes the marriage wasnt good before the BJ, she by her own admission confirms it to some degree.

It's her choice but their is a hole big piece of the pie that we're probably not getting. People dont go around getting BJ's from coworkers when everything is right in the marriage. There is far more to this story than either of them have told you.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It is ironic that so many peoples' first response is that it's a shame that the BS will "throw away" a marriage instead of cheating spouse throwing away a marriage over something like a bj. Not on this site but in general. Probably related to so many peoples inability to deal with conflict and to "rock the boat".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree ...again, you can make me all the S*&T sandwiches you want too...DOES NOT mean im going to eat them....

I chose to dine at another restaurant these days..


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

sinnister said:


> He believes the marriage wasnt good before the BJ, she by her own admission confirms it to some degree.
> 
> It's her choice but their is a hole big piece of the pie that we're probably not getting. People dont go around getting BJ's from coworkers when everything is right in the marriage. There is far more to this story than either of them have told you.


Oh here we f'in go


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

First, I don't understand why you spoke to her. It's an insult to her and shows your obvious lack of respect for her feelings and your support a weak, selfish man. He threw away his family for a car and an orgasm. 

You have a right to support your weak selfish friend but you have no right to disrespect his wife by telling her that a good woman and 2 children are worth so little. 

He is sorry I am sure. That's good for him but does not help his wife apparently. Maybe he has learned that his sexual pleasure is not the most important thing in his life. His STBX will be able to move on to a relationship untrained by humiliation and pain. 

Her children will have a chance to grow up with a stepdad who cares about them. I admire his wife's determination and self-respect. I think he deserves the loss of his family for a needless orgasm and a vintage car. Now he can chase after endless bj. He may even get a vintage car after he is done with child support for his two kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

********** said:


> .....
> And BS doesn't have to do the dreaded R - takes years and you're with someone who is like a reformed alcoholic - they could always do it again. BS will always doubt them at some level - always.


Maybe an imperfect analogy. 

There are a reformed alcoholics who will never do it again. Not doing it again is now a central pillar of their identity and very definition of their core self and they will never, ever give it up. I am one.

And no, no one close to me doubts me on this--including my wife, who married me knowing as was a sober alcoholic and who had complete confidence I would not return to drinking. I have justified her confidence and will until I die.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


Been married 15 years.

If my wife got head from a co-worker and I found out we're done immediately.
No discussion, no facade of reconciliation, just divorce papers and a custody agreement.
I "might" help her pack but that's as far as I'm willing to go.

No, not extreme at all.
Reconciliation is extreme.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> It is ironic that so many peoples' first response is that it's a shame that the BS will "throw away" a marriage instead of cheating spouse throwing away a marriage over something like a bj. Not on this site but in general. Probably related to so many peoples inability to deal with conflict and to "rock the boat".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You failed to grasp the importance of bj's in the realm of the known universe. The pleasures of art, music; the beauty of nature pales compared to an orgasm from a bj. 

Even the fear of deities, injury to the body part and, the threat of death and disease are not deterrents. Commitment to those who are dependent is abdicated. Love is discarded. Stability and security are spurned. 

So can you understand why woman are required to get over it? Passing up the chance of a bj is like being asked to pass up a gift of a billion dollars ... tax free! Simply put, nothing comes between a man and his bj. And no one should expect otherwise. :8)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

owl6118 said:


> Maybe an imperfect analogy.


I think you misunderstood what was said. She didn't say a person WILL cheat or drink again. ********** feels a spouse of an alcoholic or cheater will always have some doubt. That's what makes reconciliation and recovery so hard, the possibility you could do it again. In no way does it imply you will, it is just a statement that it exists in a spouses mind.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> You have failed to take into account how important bj's are in the realm of the known universe. The pleasures of art, music; the beauty of nature pales to an orgasm from a bj.
> 
> Even the fear of deities, injury to the body part and, the threat of death and disease are not deterrents. Commitment to those who are dependent is abdicated. Love is discarded. Stability and security are spurned.
> 
> ...


got a few LOLs out of this one.. Sadly some will take you serious..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> You have failed to take into account how important bj's are in the realm of the known universe. The pleasures of art, music; the beauty of nature pales to an orgasm from a bj.
> 
> Even the fear of deities, injury to the body part and, the threat of death and disease are not deterrents. Commitment to those who are dependent is abdicated. Love is discarded. Stability and security are spurned.
> 
> ...



Ha ha, this was the funniest thing i've seen all day 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Oh here we f'in go


Was thinking the same when I read sinister post.. 

Everyone knows cheating has no excuse.. Even Sinister has to know this..

Not happy, leave and move on.. Its not Move on and then leave *( after you get caught )*


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ire8179 said:


> I can see her pov and understand it, but it’s such a tragedy that 10 years of marriage burned down by a 5 minutes BJ
> 
> Do you think her decision is too extreme ?


In a word *NOPE*. I think his decision to value 'a 5 minute blowjob' over 'ten years of love and investment by his wife' is the problem. 

She gave him 100% of herself, her body, her future, and children with her...and on a scale of deciding which meant more to him (all that she invested -or- a 5 minute blowjob) he chose a 5 minute blowjob. 

AND rather than seeing that the issue is his choice to value a 5 minute blowjob over EVERYTHING that she invested for ten years-- he is minimizing it to "It was just 5 minutes. Why is 5 minutes worth throwing away 10 years?" 

Yeah--why IS one, short, orgasmic moment of pleasure worth more to him than ten years of faithful love, commitment, duty, joy, fun, and life? That really IS the question!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> got a few LOLs out of this one.. Sadly some will take you serious..


Sarcastic hyperbole is a very bad indulgence of mine HTH. I can't do it IRL so I unleash it here. 

Substitute hugs kisses and caresses for bj and you have me to a tee. I am an affection *****, I would die without it. No one can tell me that I would not, so don't even try. I understand a little. A very very little. Its more and intellectual understanding.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Let me say that i agree with everyone here who said it's not too extreme, it's the first answer that's popped into my mind

The reason i started this thread is to convince my view, because the majority people who knows the affair think it's extreme and one even outright said that it's callous. We live in a religious community that has an outdated views regarding marriage and affair. It's something that's considered as petulance but not life changing while divorce is viewed as some kind of stigma, they also tend to believe that if someone cheat it's because the BS neglect the WS's needs. The sinner can be changed with counselling with priest and BS should offer forgiveness because that's the right thing to do. I'm sure you get the picture

Many BS in early stages tend to be vulnerable with low self esteem and tend to succumbed easily to social pressure. It doesn't looks like she'll cave though, their divorce is still ongoing. There's a new update but i'll get into that later


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> Let me say that i agree with everyone here who said it's not too extreme, it's the first answer that's popped into my mind
> 
> The reason i started this thread is to convince my view, because the majority people who knows the affair think that her action is extreme and one even outright said that it's callous. Can you believe that ?
> 
> ...


Am I right in assuming that they think of infidelity as petulance when the cheater is a man. 

How do they react when the cheater is a woman?'

Have they bothered to read the Bible? Surely they know what I says about adultery.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Am I right in assuming that they think of infidelity as petulance when the cheater is a man.
> 
> How do they react when the cheater is a woman?'
> 
> Have they bothered to read the Bible? Surely they know what I says about adultery.


That's interesting, all of the WS that i know are married men with single younger woman. Cheating wife, never heard of it (in this community) 

They read the bible back to back all right but choose certain verse to support the views,twisted it a little bit and stand by it. When cornered, the main weapon will be the classic Luke 6:37 _ "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven"_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> That's interesting, all of the WS that i know are married men with single younger woman. Cheating wife, never heard of it (in this community)
> 
> They read the bible back to back all right but choose certain verse to support the views,twisted it a little bit and stand by it. When cornered, the main weapon will be the classic Luke 6:37 _ "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven"_


I figured that this applied to only men. Wait until the day when a wife is caught cheating. The attitudes will, I am sure, be very different.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think men should be worried when cheating because 

1) the woman could always accuse you of date rape. IT may not go to trial, but the preliminaries will kill your life as you know it.

2) the woman could get pregnant. Men have no say in whether to abort or not. And then they could get stuck with child support. 

3) STDs, yes that's a concern for both men and women.

OP, your friend should have been very concerned having sex (and that is what getting a BJ is) with a co-worker. I would be concerned that she is trying to set him up. Is he more senior than she is?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Her children will have a chance to grow up with a stepdad who cares about them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad part about this is it is ONLY a chance that largely depends on the spousal selection of the STBXW and if her selector is broken like my mother's was it could be hell on the kids. Sometimes it is better for her to seek and learn to ask for better behavior with a * authentically willing* spouse than to just cut and run to the next dysfunctional man that's chosen if that selector is not healthy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think men should be worried when cheating because
> 
> 1) the woman could always accuse you of date rape. IT may not go to trial, but the preliminaries will kill your life as you know it.
> 
> ...


While perfectly valid, each of these concerns should be secondary when compared to the absolute devastation of one's dignity, integrity, and personal sense of honor, not to mention the possible destruction of not only his own family but that of his chosen paramour's family as well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> While perfectly valid, each of these concerns should be secondary when compared to the absolute devastation of one's dignity, integrity, and personal sense of honor, not to mention the possible destruction of not only his own family but that of his chosen paramour's family as well.


I agree. 

But to convince the big wide world out there beyond TAM, I try to look for practical reasons for doing or not doing something.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> While perfectly valid, each of these concerns should be secondary when compared to the absolute devastation of one's dignity, integrity, and personal sense of honor, not to mention the possible destruction of not only his own family but that of his chosen paramour's family as well.


I agree with a caveat. Should you think of your family, integrity and honor first? Of course, but in the "real world" humans do stupidly impulsive things without thinking. So, I don't believe they are secondary, it's whatever works to keep you on the right path. If you are in it, hopped up on sex chemicals, a possible STD might stop you before your kids face.
Is it right? I do not know. Personally, nothing is black in white, in the context of this thread, if it keeps you from going down a destructive path.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> First, I don't understand why you spoke to her. It's an insult to her and shows your obvious lack of respect for her feelings and your support a weak, selfish man. He threw away his family for a car and an orgasm.
> 
> You have a right to support your weak selfish friend but you have no right to disrespect his wife by telling her that a good woman and 2 children are worth so little.
> 
> ...


You misunderstood, i didn't talk to her in those kind of manner nor do i support him in any way. We were friends by proxy first but since we live in the same community we got closer and became better friends

We met at the park with our kids during weekend,i said that i heard and stated my sympathy. I didn't pushed her for information, she told me willingly and i listened. Being switzerland is my choice because this is a really sensitive problem


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

owl6118 said:


> Maybe an imperfect analogy.
> 
> There are a reformed alcoholics who will never do it again. Not doing it again is now a central pillar of their identity and very definition of their core self and they will never, ever give it up. I am one.
> 
> And no, no one close to me doubts me on this--including my wife, who married me knowing as was a sober alcoholic and who had complete confidence I would not return to drinking. I have justified her confidence and will until I die.


*Owl, my deepest apologies.* It was insensitive of me to make that particular comparison. I am only too familiar with the journey of an alcoholic. It's one of the hardest journeys there is and it is a powerful chemical addiction. And alcohol is so much part of our world - it is very difficult to avoid it in social situations. 

I have incredible admiration for you. 

I suppose as a BS myself I never feel 100% that I won't be betrayed again. I guess some BS can get back to the 100% but I fear I will not, much as I'd like to. I was clearly projecting what I myself feel as a BS. 

Again Owl, I am truly sorry for my insensitivity.


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