# Same pattern, different day



## Kerry

Hi,

I've been married for eight years, and we have no children.

My husband snaps at me. We're both bright, articulate people, but when he gets frustrated, he uses this tone that I consider "snappy." It seems rude and I'd be embarrassed if others heard. If I ask him to just observe it, he thinks I'm trying to change him.

Not always, but sometimes when it happens I withdraw and to just "check out." I completely go numb. He wants to talk, I need space. So, he protects (or gets what he wants) by snapping, and I protect by withdrawing.

I almost never get on him about stuff. I can't. He'll snap on me then too. But, he seems to always find something that I did wrong.

We often talk things out and move on. Sometimes we get closer as a result b/c we see each other's point. Sometimes, I just move past it, but I feel that old hurts are building for me.

I want to figure out and change what this is for ME. I can't change him. I've tried therapists, books, have tried to change the dance, etc. I do well for a while, but then fall back to being hurt. 

Is he mirroring something for me? Am I too hard on myself and he's the outer mirror? Should I rise above it all or neutralize my own button?

My background is:

youngest of seven children
controlling father, tended toward anger, but no physical abuse
very loving mother, who danced around my father's anger
unpredictable environment b/c and you never knew where you stood, hence were always on edge.
not much structure
I'm accomplished, but have always been under-confident and shy (but not introverted). almost like I don't have a right to be here.

His background:

practically an only child. 12 year gap between him and his older brother
his older brother tormented him almost all his life
his father was quiet (checked out?)
his mother is self-centered, controlling and treated my hubby like a inconvenience and financial nuisance (he was a surprise). very structured and orderly.

I'm trying to figure out why I am just so extremely sensitive to this behavior. Is it:

old resentment toward my father
fear of being like my mother
old sadness from not having anyone encourage me as a child (seven kids left little room for developing self-esteem, etc.)
Someone recommended a boundary book. I don't know if this will help. I'm open, but will it help me tolerate his snapping? Mind you, I have a shelf full of books. I'm tired of reading and just not getting anywhere. If it might change the dynamic, I'd tried it?

Thanks for "listening." I know this is a very long post and I'm just trying to talk things through a bit.

Warmly,
Kerry


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## Blanca

I honestly think you can only get so far if he isnt willing to change, too. and some of it is just patience. 

now that things are better between my H and i, i honestly dont know how much of it was me changing and how much was him. if he regressed to his old behaviors, im sure i would to an extent also. i think if one partner stays stagnant then the other can only get to a point of being 'ok', but not good. and that point of being just 'ok' takes a lot of work and energy. but if the other partner also changes, then things can be good and it wont take so much effort. 

Im sure some of it is your own issues with feeling inferior and your dads anger. you probably internalize your H's anger and criticisms more because of those things. reading a million self help books can rid yourself of some of those feelings, and you might get to 'ok', but anger is still a draining environment to be around- for anyone.

I had a roommate do an experiement once to try and become more cognizant of her actions. this could work if your H is willing to try it. she carried around a marker and every time she said a negative thing (or was 'snappy', whatever undesirable behavior one is trying to be cognizant of) she put a dot on her hand. in another color she marked the other hand if she said something nice. at the end of the day she was shocked by how negative she was.


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## Kerry

Hi ljtseng,

This is really helpful. Funny thing is, it made me think about my own negativity. I won't go into it, but I think my husband sees things negatively, but that fuels his energy to some extent. When I see negative things, I become more negative and drained. He's an engineer, so he's kind of trained to find faults, I suppose. He points out negative things often, so I start to see more negativity in the world than I normally would. This brings me down. I don't want to be a victim to this, but I am seeing the pattern and that might help me to change my part in it. I also can ask him to stop when he is ranting about something in the world that we can't change (this is often).

BTW, we were talking this morning about his interactions with his mom. I was talking about how if he wants to change the dance, he can only change his behavior. He snaps at her too, when she says things he doesn't like or want to hear. I was talking about neutralizing her comments by just answering her comments with yes or no. Just an example, she'd say something like, "Forget your comb?" to messy hair. He snaps to shut her up. My thought, why not just say, "No."

Anyway, he said she would persist about the issue and he's sure of it. I don't know that b/c I haven't seen him try it. He basically said that snapping at her shuts her up. I guess that is the pattern he wants there. It was eye-opening and a bit disappointing because I thought he wanted to change the pattern with her.

And, what I realize is that I need to teach him that I don't respond to snapping. Someone suggested I say, "If you use that tone with me again, I'll leave and return when I feel better." Then do just that if he does. Maybe I need to train him to treat me differently than he treats his mother. She takes it and responds the way he wants. I withdraw. But maybe I should completely retreat. Frankly, this will affect him the most b/c he usually snaps while we're working on a house project and he wants to get the project done.

Now, the test will be can I do this. Can I stand up for myself like that. In a way, it feels easier to just tolerate the snapping. But, I think he's a better person than someone who talks to his wife like that. I want to hold him to a higher standard.

Thanks for your response and listening. It really helps me to chat this through.

Kerry


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## T-Dub

I wouldn't retreat, I would tell him you are sick and tired of being talked to like ****! He has no respect for you at all, or his mom> Do you not say anything even when you know he is wrong?? I feel you are being abit too diplomatic to him. Don't be a Priss.


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## Margaret

OMG have you read any of my posts? This sounds like me. I can't change him I can change me. My hubby gets snippy and I get quiet. This morning I let the cats in the bedroom and he just got up and walked out. I assume the meowing of "yay you let us in the bedroom" bugged him. But goodness, lighten up. 

I spent the rest of the time *****ing out loud to myself during my shower and during getting ready about how I'm sick and tired of being afraid to do something to set him off. No, he didn't go off, but he just got up and left the room. 

He's being nice.... but polite. We don't have US anymore. It's polite or snapping.

I can't change him. I have tried to get him to stop picking on me and snapping at me. But I figure he's unhappy how things are and just living life day in and day out. Someday things will get better when we are out of debt and can get out and do things. Maybe not.

I miss the fun. I miss the laughter. I'm tired of being afraid to make him snap or pick. 

I hear ya!


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## Blanca

Kerry said:


> I was talking about neutralizing her comments by just answering her comments with yes or no. Just an example, she'd say something like, "Forget your comb?" to messy hair. He snaps to shut her up. My thought, why not just say, "No."


My H and his mom do not get along either. my H is very snappy with his mom. i used to try and help him but ive just left it alone. i think you ought to try leaving his issues to himself. its very draining to get involved in those kinds of things. i know you think that if you can help him talk to his mom, it will help you because he'll be nicer, but trust me, it doenst work. your H just feels like he has two mom's telling him what to do. let him deal with it and just listen to how he feels. but never correct his relationship with his mom. 



Kerry said:


> Now, the test will be can I do this. Can I stand up for myself like that. In a way, it feels easier to just tolerate the snapping. But, I think he's a better person than someone who talks to his wife like that. I want to hold him to a higher standard.


Ya as long as you keep trying something different one of your approaches is bound to work. 

when i set up boundaries with my H, like walking away if he's being a jerk, i try not to do anything to punish or change him. i always try to make my actions specifically about what makes me feel good inside.


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## fredfoxw28

wow I feel like I am going through the same thing. My husband one day can be fine and then when it's been awhile since we did anything he gets moody and snaps. We got into it yesterday and I left him in the parking lot. I don't believe that i should sit there and take it. Right now I am withdrawing and i hate the way it makes me feel. I always wished that my spouse could be my best friend but that's far from the truth. We have our good days but I don't feel he is someone I can turn too. Sometimes i feel like it's a myth that married couples can be best friends, i may be wrong but my marriage is not what i envisioned at times and it is definitely draining me at times.


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## Kerry

Hi Margaret & everyone,

Sorry to hear you guys deal with this too. Ugh. My goal in coming to this forum is to move through this. I believe I am doing so. Thanks for all the support. 

Here are some recent developments that have been very helpful for me.

First, I'll say that my husband isn't mad at me when he snaps. He is impatient. Recently, I got impatient with my brother and behaved a bit like my husband. I didn't snap and I wasn't as sharp, but I was definitely impatient. My brother responded like I would and got quiet. I apologized and explained that I just wanted an answer, and that I had coffee that day (I'm not a regular coffee drinker). 

This was such a good lesson for me. I was not the least bit angry with my brother, just like my husband is not the least bit angry with me. He is impatient.

Also, I have done some things recently that bring me back to my own center. I think that helps with boundaries. I won't go into what I've done, b/c everyone has their own way of finding their center.

I also recently just let myself really feel the pain and anger of everything around the snapping. THIS WAS HUGE FOR ME. I felt terrible toward him for about two weeks. I just let myself feel it. I hated the feeling. I hated him, and I hated feeling that toward him. It was awful, but, I just let myself feel it.

We had a small blow out around it this weekend, and I shared how I was feeling. We made great headway together. It was a huge relief to share with him that I was hating the way I felt toward him. I didn't share exactly how I felt--I just shared that it was a terrible feeling and that it frightened me.

I reminded my husband today that his snapping really reflected poorly on him, not me. I wouldn't like others to see that I tolerate such behavior, but he would be the one who looked like a jerk. He never snaps in front of people, but he really got that. He also said he would try to keep it in check. I said that I thought we could both be more mindful of the way we communicate with each other.

He felt horrible that he made me feel bad. He definitely doesn't want to do that, and I know and trust that. I know he wishes I was not so sensitive, just as I wish he was not so impatient

I think between finding my center again (and boundaries that I need) and letting myself really feel my feelings (used to stuff them deep inside and take my anger out on myself in various ways), I have made great strides, and posting this is what made me realize this.

The thing as far as the snapping being situational (i.e. bills, health, whatever) is that it will always be something. Life is full of stress. Our homes and marriages should be a safe place. That is what I strive for, anyway.

Also, understanding the intention behind the snapping is helpful. If it is just his way, it might be uncomfortable, but neither a reflection of his true self nor his true feelings toward you. I know my husband does it to protect his space. You and I know that all we can change is ourselves though.

I do think space to feel our feelings, and boundaries to be ourselves are very good, how ever we achieve establishing them.

I now realize that in the past few weeks I've been determined to not stay in this emotional place. I have a quote on my wall, "The only way out of emotional pain is through it." It didn't hit me until this weekend that it is exactly what I've been doing. . .really letting myself feel my pain. I think I've made it to the other side of it. There may be times where we fall back into old patterns, but I really feel the movement here.

I hope this helps the way that I've been helped by all the kindness here.

Warmly,
Kerry


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## Kerry

Blanca,

Thanks for the tip about not trying to solve his problems. All he wants is for me to listen

I remember seeing an interview with Alanis Morrisette years ago when she got her hair cut short. She said, "I guess I'm getting untangled." That always stuck with me.

BTW, every day I wake up and my goal is to guard my energy. I have been feeling drained for years. I notice how many people complain to me and I'm now avoiding them. I feel better already, just after ten days of this.

I think this has flowed over into my husband. While I do let him b_tch about stuff...we're pals and we do that--I won't let it get to a point of draining me.

Hope others are making some headway on this issue!

Kerry


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## worried and scared

This sounds like my husband, I am so beyond frustrated, I am crying right now, heart is pounding, I have NO family, no friends, no health insurance, no job, I have NO idea on what I can do...this is going to make me very sick or kill me....has anything helped you....God, I need help....something, anything....


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