# Should I reconcile or not?



## Betrayed2014

I have been an avid reader of this website since 2013 when my marriage started to unravel but never posted so I hope I'm posting in the right forum

My husband and I have known each other for 10 years been together for 7 and married for 6. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We are both in the Air Force so I'm not being supported by him. 

September of 2013 my husband and I got in a huge argument which resulted in him cursing me out and me leaving saying I wouldn't be disrespected like that. I came back 30 minutes later after I calmed down and he said his feelings for me changed (I leave when I got mad-a flaw of mine that I don't do anymore) and he didn't love me the way he used to anymore or trust me seeing as I could just walk out at any given time on him. He went to go stay with a friend trying to see if he could get the "feelings" back for me. He ended up coming back and trying to work things out. 

In December of 2014 I found out he has been having an EA for almost 6 months. He talked me into forgiving him and I did. Our marriage was going pretty well then in February I find out the girl changed her number and they were still communicating. At That point he left to stay with a friend again and came back a few days later. We talked and he said he wanted to use a 6 month deployment to "get himself together" and see if he can get those feelings back. He left in April 2015 and in August he told me he wasn't any closer to making a decision regarding if he wanted to be with me or not and that he wanted a divorce. I moved out in September and am currently living in an apartment with our two kids. 

October of 2015 rolls around and he returns from deployment and I find out he met a woman while deployed and found text messages on fb of him telling her things like "I love you" and "I love you more" and her saying them back. On top of that he reconnected with the girl from back in December. 

Since finding out about all of this I have kept conversation focused on the kids. He has been sending me text messages around 2 am on numerous occasions saying things like "I loved you so much, you were my everything", "are you with a man right now...I hope he treats you better than me", "if he ever touches you I'm never touching you again....never mind bc its over anyways right". I don't respond back because I'm sure they are drunk rants. 

No one is perfect. My flaw is leaving when I'm upset (did it 4 times in our marriage) and he has a anger problem, drinking problem, and likes to go out every weekend with friends (which intensified after our argument in 2013). 

He says he wants us to be together and wants our family to work but he hasn't let the two women go. He said he is scared to come back and get back in the same rutt of disrespecting me. He said the last time I left, his blinders for other women came off and he is trying to put them back on. Since he has been home from deployment he doesn't want a divorce anymore. He wants to me wait for him to get himself together. He also swears up and down he never touched, kissed or had sex with the two women. I'm open for reconciliation (even though it'll be a long road to recovery). I'm not sure if I should stay open for reconciliation or move on completely and file for divorce. Looking for advice and support as this has been a long hurtful journey full of tears, sadness, and uncertainty of the future.

.


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## Lloyd Dobler

I think you already know this, but no you shouldn't reconcile. Clearly you're not a priority for him, so why would you even consider reconciling?


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## Dude007

How old are ya'll? No offense but this sounds like immature behavior. DUDE


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## GusPolinski

Nope.


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## Bananapeel

The only way to reconcile successfully is for both of you to put your marriage first. Looks like he is unwilling to do that so it won't work.


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## farsidejunky

No.


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## Betrayed2014

Even though I already knew the answer I wanted to thank you guys for confirming it for me. It's a hard pill to swallow but I can't change him. He has to want to change.


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## survive_to_die

He COULD turn around. He needs lots of personal therapy. EA's and sexual addictions can stem from men who have very damaged views of themselves, are generally depressed and unhappy and are unwilling to truly see the fault in themselves (even though they will openly admit it). We can come up with a wide variety of excuses as to why what we do is justified and for me that was from 100% blaming my wife and other people.

Once I saw that about myself, got help from a therapist and psychiatrist I have removed those things from my life. Oh, and if he has a problem with alcohol. That has to go. Stone-cold sober. No drinking if there will be any trust.

The deployments would make monitoring his actions and emotional temperament very hard. But he needs a good shock into the reality of who he is and how it's a quick decision to turn it around with A LOT of hard work for him if he wants to become a better man, then a decent man, then finally a good man.


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## Marc878

Get out now or you'll just get more of the same plus he's lying. No sex???? Cmon

Typical Cheaterspeak lie, hide, deny.

You deserve better but fix yourself and quit wasting effort on this


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## Orange_Pekoe

Betrayed2014 said:


> I have been an avid reader of this website since 2013 when my marriage started to unravel but never posted so I hope I'm posting in the right forum
> 
> My husband and I have known each other for 10 years been together for 7 and married for 6. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We are both in the Air Force so I'm not being supported by him.
> 
> September of 2013 my husband and I got in a huge argument which resulted in him cursing me out and me leaving saying I wouldn't be disrespected like that. I came back 30 minutes later after I calmed down and he said his feelings for me changed (I leave when I got mad-a flaw of mine that I don't do anymore) and he didn't love me the way he used to anymore or trust me seeing as I could just walk out at any given time on him. He went to go stay with a friend trying to see if he could get the "feelings" back for me. He ended up coming back and trying to work things out.
> 
> In December of 2014 I found out he has been having an EA for almost 6 months. He talked me into forgiving him and I did. Our marriage was going pretty well then in February I find out the girl changed her number and they were still communicating. At That point he left to stay with a friend again and came back a few days later. We talked and he said he wanted to use a 6 month deployment to "get himself together" and see if he can get those feelings back. He left in April 2015 and in August he told me he wasn't any closer to making a decision regarding if he wanted to be with me or not and that he wanted a divorce. I moved out in September and am currently living in an apartment with our two kids.
> 
> October of 2015 rolls around and he returns from deployment and I find out he met a woman while deployed and found text messages on fb of him telling her things like "I love you" and "I love you more" and her saying them back. On top of that he reconnected with the girl from back in December.
> 
> Since finding out about all of this I have kept conversation focused on the kids. He has been sending me text messages around 2 am on numerous occasions saying things like "I loved you so much, you were my everything", "are you with a man right now...I hope he treats you better than me", "if he ever touches you I'm never touching you again....never mind bc its over anyways right". I don't respond back because I'm sure they are drunk rants.
> 
> No one is perfect. My flaw is leaving when I'm upset (did it 4 times in our marriage) and he has a anger problem, drinking problem, and likes to go out every weekend with friends (which intensified after our argument in 2013).
> 
> He says he wants us to be together and wants our family to work but he hasn't let the two women go. He said he is scared to come back and get back in the same rutt of disrespecting me. He said the last time I left, his blinders for other women came off and he is trying to put them back on. Since he has been home from deployment he doesn't want a divorce anymore. He wants to me wait for him to get himself together. He also swears up and down he never touched, kissed or had sex with the two women. I'm open for reconciliation (even though it'll be a long road to recovery). I'm not sure if I should stay open for reconciliation or move on completely and file for divorce. Looking for advice and support as this has been a long hurtful journey full of tears, sadness, and uncertainty of the future.
> 
> .


 I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.
If you want to reconcile, please do so through marital counselling. Don't do it on your own...I did that and although we were able to work through some of our problems, we couldn't solve all of them without help and so we are in our 2nd round of separation.

Keep your children in mind. You want them to have not just a father, but a GOOD father, a good role model that they will feel stable and safe with. He's not at that point yet. Maybe marital counselling will get him there.


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## Marduk

You already know the answer.

Are you looking for support in saying it?


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## aine

In spite of what he has done to you, hooking up with other women (and he never did anything with them, yah right, pull the other one, there's bells on it!). His language is still all about him. I think he has cheated on you in Sept 2013 when he left to stay with a friend, he just helped cause an argument so he would have an excuse to leave. He is not committed to the marriage.

The only thing now is that he is beginning to realise the problem is not you, but him and that far away fields are not always greener so he wants you as an option (i.e. Plan B). He is probably selfish to boot and cannot stand the thought of anyone else having you, but it is ok for him to do what he has been doing.

Kick him to the kerb, he is not worthy of you or your kids, you will be much more stable without him because unless and until this man gets serious therarpy/counselling for his entitlement issues he will make your life miserable.
I am sorry this is happening, esp with young children, but they need a stable and happy home. You can be happy. I would proceed with the D and if he does sort himself out in the future, who knows, but i wouldn't count on it.


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## cdbaker

Cheating is one thing... lying is one thing... doing both for an extended period of time, then asking for a commitment from you while refusing to commit to you, continuing to communicate with other women, and still has issues with drinking, anger, leaving you for long stretches of time? YIKES. No way.

I'm not saying he's beyond saving, I'm just saying that he isn't saved right now and you'll only do more harm to yourself and your children by giving in to him now. He has to WANT you 1st and foremost (not you PLUS a few other women too) and be willing to make the life changes he needs to make in order to be worthy of you. Right now, while he is saying he wants you back, he is very plainly saying that he doesn't want you enough to make these massive changes in his life, and all he is offering you is more promises when he now has a long history of breaking those exact promises more than once.

I am almost always in favor of trying to save the marriage, and I'm not saying you should go divorce him immediately, but I am saying you should certainly not be considering or talking to him about reconciling right now. Trust in any relationship is typically given freely, but once it's been broken, it must be EARNED, not promised. You shouldn't consider reconciling with him until he has already proven himself to be the man you need him to be, not just promising to try harder, while still refusing to actually take the simplest steps on the path to doing so. (Not being willing to stop communicating with other women? You can't REMOTELY consider accepting that)

So tell him you aren't interested. You need a man you can trust, rely on, who ONLY wants you, and his promises are meaningless. If he can't take even the most obvious basic steps towards beginning that process of change of his own free will, then you want the divorce. (After all, you don't want him to begrudgingly end contact with those women. He needs to genuinely want nothing to do with them, or this cycle will repeat again, soon)


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