# Does Discovery Method Matter?



## karlabean (Mar 14, 2012)

I've been thinking about this for a while now and would be interested if other people have thoughts or ideas about this topic... whether from personal experience or an idea how they would react:

Does the WAY someone learns about their spouses infidelity have an impact on the potential for reconciliation? 

I can think of 4 different scenarios:

1. WS confession when confronted by BS after suspicions
2. Discovery by BS - finding texts or other evidence
3. OP telling the BS about the A
4. Another 3rd party telling BS about the A


Which one would be most damaging? Could you ever recover if an OP was the one who told you?

Also related - but not exactly. Would it matter if NC was initiated by your WS? What if it was initiated by the OP?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

excepting situation 1 the rest are lumped in the same category imo


I also think post discovery behavior makes a bigger difference


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is also the VERY VERY rare time a WS confesses when the BS suspected nothing and didn't find anything.

To me, there's 3 scenarios.
1. WS confesses out of the blue
2. WS confesses when confronted by BS for whatever reason
3. WS denies when confronted

In descending order of desirability.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Isn't it worse when you have to investigate and search while being lied to?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You left one out - voluntary confession by the wayward before confronted by their spouse - not many of those but it's still an option. If you put the one I just mentioned as number one I think you listed them in order of severity one through five, but it's a long fall from one to two and two to three. From three and beyond they pretty much suck equally.


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## karlabean (Mar 14, 2012)

Oh good point sigma1299. I also forgot that one since it rarely seems to happen. 

My sister is an OW and she is ready to end things. I have some experience with affairs b/c my fiance left me for another woman... but nothing like what she has gone through with this guy. 

For a variety of reasons, she has started to come out of the fog (and a lot of pressuring from me). She wants to come clean and tell the BW what was going on, but I am concerned that her efforts to "do right" might end up hurting the marriage even more if discovery happens that way... and it is best to let things be worked out between the two of them. They have been married for 30 some years and from the sounds of it, the WH didn't *mean* to fall for my sister. 

They recently decided to try to be just friends, but my sis thinks this is just a ploy to keep getting attention. She thinks that the only way to make sure she doesn't go back to him is to *out* the relationship to his BS. 

Am I being a bad big sister by telling her to keep her mouth shut? I am worried about her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How bout seeing your spouse having sex on film? That's what happened to Morituri.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

karlabean said:


> Oh good point sigma1299. I also forgot that one since it rarely seems to happen.
> 
> My sister is an OW and she is ready to end things. I have some experience with affairs b/c my fiance left me for another woman... but nothing like what she has gone through with this guy.
> 
> ...


They never mean to fall ( it's a choice actually ).The man's wife has every right to know about this, and should be told ASAP, but the OW is not the one to do it, especially not in person. I am not a violent person, but I think I would have decked the OW if she had done this. The attempt to reclaim one's honor at this point is farcical anyway. The DS should be the one to tell her, if he wishes to save his marriage, Telling the wife will end this, and there is no future for this type of relationship anyway. The wife needs to know what kind of man she is married to. Your sister needs to ask herself why she was willing to compete unfairly, and behind the wife's back for her H.


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## karlabean (Mar 14, 2012)

She was thinking of sending her an e-mail or writing her a letter. She doesn't live in the same town as the couple, but knows both of them through some mutual friends. 

I agree that her husband should be the one to tell her about the A, but he has adamantly refused - he has told my sister that she even asked about it a few months ago because she had gotten suspicious and then lied (I think it's called gaslighting?). I agree that the BW deserves to know the kind of man her husband married, but I just don't think my sister should be the one to tell her. I'm seeking outside opinions because this is becoming a bit of a source of conflict for us. 

I am worried about my sister, she has a lot of depression issues and other things and has started therapy to help her sort through her own issues.


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## Rmommy22 (Jan 17, 2012)

Although we can only speculate about our reactions wihtout having to go through a particular situation; I say that the BS finding out independant of the WS is worse. 
I say this because, in my situation, my finding out and confronting may have brought on guilt and supposed remorse, but I can not be sure that if I did not confront that it would not have continued. My WH says he was stopping the A but I do not believe it. If instead I had found out because he had stopped and was confessing to me, then maybe I would have been willing to work it out. For me, there can be no R when I do not believe that he would not pursue this again. But, if he was man enough to tell me what had occured, I would be more likely to believe his remorse and able to R. 
So i guess my categories are more literal. 1) Confession by WS or 2) BS finding out and confronting ...with 2 being worse and affecting any potential reconciliation.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I found out the good news about my husband's affair from the OW's husband. 
I think for a BS it doesn't hurt any less how she/he finds out but I think for a WS it does, I think because the exposure came from the OW's husband it was worse for my husband. He now first looked like a home wrecker and then a adulterous husband.
He now had women and men feeling the betrayal that could havehappened to their lives you always relate to these kind of things happening in your own life when you hear of such pain it causes families. two families in this case was worse I think then if it was just me exposing my husband's affair...........
It didn't happen to me but I would guess best case is if the WS comes clean himself and has a plan to rebuild with his own exposure and a plan to meet all the BS's needs again.......
At least it shows they can tell the truth and that would be a huge start......i think it is rare


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## karlabean (Mar 14, 2012)

Update: well, she told the BS. I'm supporting and hoping she makes it through to a position where she can have an authentic relationship.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> There is also the VERY VERY rare time a WS confesses when the BS suspected nothing and didn't find anything.
> 
> To me, there's 3 scenarios.
> 1. WS confesses out of the blue
> ...


..and in ascending order of likelihood.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I guess mine would be the last, and if it is being considered the hardest to deal with.... Im with you on this... I caught them in bed together... didnt even think I would had ever caught this.. but the stupidest thing spouse tried or is still trying to do is deny.... Ya you got it... he says everyone is lieing to me... I told him... so my own eyes are lying to me.. bad bad eyeballs... his response.. did we have our clothes on? well he did but he jumped up so fast, and the way it all went down.. he could had pulled them up so fast.. and her well I didnt see her at first, it was dark and when I turned around to put the stuff down that was in my hands onto the bed,,, thats when I saw her, blankets pulled up to her chin..... so I dont know about her nakedness.. I wish I could go back in time and rip them covers off her.... but I didnt my anger and hurt went toward him at the time.. but thats his stupdist reasoning he gives me.. was we naked NO.... wtf ever.. so guess im in the bottom catagory.. still to this day I have had no confessions just freinds crap and Im getting really tired of it real fast......


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

karlabean said:


> 2. Discovery by BS - finding texts or other evidence


Number 2 sucks. Particularly when there is ‘compelling’ evidence but no smoking gun and no confession and variations of suspicions with tons of little tiny redflags all over the place. That is hell. It seriously screwed me up: I went through 8 years of this “WTF is happening?”. To give you an idea of what a screwed up monkey I am... I am still with her psycho ass and I actually respect myself. I’ve adapted to the crazy.

As for the NC... I’ve unfortunately seen it all. You also forgot variations of the BS forcing it to something the WS did on their own... In my story: Two OM’s broke it off with her (one before discovery, one shortly after the **** hit the fan). One more she broke off; She was dumping him to be with another... Then.... she started back up with one who’d ended it when the **** really hit the fan months into the R, and eventually I caught that and she was forced to NC by me while I started making my exit.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Isn't it worse when you have to investigate and search while being lied to?


yes it is. My H did this straight to my face and I knew it. I wanted to kill him for making me look through his email and forcing me to read that discusting sh*t. Those words will prob never leave my head.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I suspected for years. Followed my wife around and checked emails. 

Nothing!

Finally, frustrated with the way our marriage was, fighting, yelling, blaming, total lack of interest in sex... I just asked? Are you cheating. 

Nothing but lies!

I was lost, when Aug 5, 2009, 7:31pm I get a call from my grown daughter. She wants to "talk with Mom". My wife's reaction to the TRUTH was like someone in the family had just been killed. It was a death in the family, My Marriage.


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## blinky (Feb 13, 2012)

deleted


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

It's not just the method of D. It's also has to due with the status of the current affair when discovered.

My wife was in the middle of her 3rd affair when caught. In fact, she was ramping up her "love" for her AP. They were discussing their future together after dumping spouses. An "old" affair discovered is no better for the BS, but living in the middle of affair and knowing in fact what, where, when you were lied to is different.

I got to experience it all, the "old" and the "current", at the same time. To those that have been betrayed in the past and find out much later, you will spend a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out "where" you were in your marriage during the affair time-frame. Both suck.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m also with you RWB, but I’ll add another fun glitch to mix. Ever get those light bulb moments from your WS who finally can say ‘why’ they did it? It took almost a year for her not to blame me. Her ‘light bulb’ was her job loss and the bouncing from job to job in the economy (plus taking a huge salary hit). She claimed that shattered her self-esteem and started to hide things like how in debt she’d put us from me.... So, she and her IC were merrily working hard at how to deal with self-esteem issues and conflict avoidance......... Then months later she confesses earlier affairs; she slipped (I didn’t quite believe it) and I pushed her until she confessed. When those happened, times were completely different; That was the high point of her career and life was different (yet I had been seeing red flag behavior). Back to the drawing board and turmoil...... 

Btw; A full year later she finally revealed one of those life altering moments: She’d never resolved being violently raped and left bloodied on the roadside as a teen, A ‘event’ years later while we were married started her down the adulterous path. It was really something that triggered her and she lost it. Think acting like a BS who just found out they’ve again been betrayed type mentality overnight. She seriously lost it. Not knowing what was going on, I wedged myself between her and the kids thus painting a target on my forehead a long time ago. She got ‘stable’, but from that moment onward, you could feel and sense that rage inside toward me. Now it all starts making more sense to me why she was the way she was for so many years.

Sort of sucks now since my morality won’t let me just break away from someone who is mentally unstable due to trauma and working on herself. They call us secondary survivors... suck on top of more suckage. Back then, I didn’t know... Would have been easier to leave a toxic person. I think she is damned lucky I was too co-dependant to see her clearly... The turmoil of discovery and having my world torn apart sort of woke me up.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Racer,

Your post... "When those happened, times were completely different; That was the high point of her career and life was different (yet I had been seeing red flag behavior)."

I know exactly what you mean. My wife had extreme issues with validation. She needed that constant assurance that she was the best. In the time frame of her first affair she was "Teacher of the Year" in our district, but that was not enough. She had always been the "Prettiest Girl in the Room" but closing in on 45 it was hard for her with all the 30 somethings getting all the male attention. My validation of her was not enough anymore she needed more and for a smart, pretty, woman eager to impress she was approached. The rest is pretty much Affair Script, what a waste of a 25 year marriage for teenage, selfish desire.

As for light bulb moment... She has had plenty. Our grown daughter catching her own mother betraying her own father. The graphic text of sex with another man and how she reveled in it for her grown children to read. A kind of "burst your bubble" feeling for your family. Do you understand? My wife had fooled everyone (her, my parents, friends, family) that she was this perfect Sunday School teaching mother that was always on-time, always honest, always pure in thought. She was living a lie. YES! the red flags were there. She didn't sleep well and needed meds to "make it through the day". Weight loss, Soma drugs, excessive gym sessions. Script again. But she always seem to pull on through. In reality it was the next affair that she was seeking. The thrill of the secret next meeting in some hotel. 

You speak of co-dependence... I know exactly what you mean. While she was cheating, I was the perfect enabler. The fall guy. The justification. While in the dark, think about it, I knew she was un-happy. I was trying to fix something that I thought I had caused. Just more fuel for the fire.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh yes... mine had bubble burst several times. I wrecked her intentionally a few times to shatter that fog of ‘perfect me’ and the old ‘poor me trapped in this dungeon by my husband and needing rescued’. “The best”; It’s just a mask she painted. A master at filtering her output to form the impression of how she wants you, her target, to see her. Natural born liar. It’s also the meter I use for her recovery... how much energy she sinks into patching that mask versus shredding it and just being herself; flaws and all.

The co-dependant sucks... I was busy spinning around her trying not to be such a failure (like she’d tell me I was) and bending over backwards hoping she’d give me love and affection in return... Then getting pissed that she didn’t; Oh the lovely passive/aggressive mess I was in. I still revert from time to time and catch myself... 

But back on topic. The worst part of discovery absolutely has to be that moment you know for sure. Before that, whether you recognize it or not, there’s that little voice that speaks to you telling you that maybe, just maybe, you are paranoid. I don’t care if you saw her coming out of hotel room half naked... until she confesses, that silly voice is there telling you that her denials might be true. It’s comforting, your own little gaslighting. You just think you’ll be more prepared for it. When it’s shattered and there’s no more denying THIS didn’t happen to your marriage because they admit it finally, that is when the enormity of it really hits you. That moment is the worst regardless of how the confession comes.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I only know what happened to me and what I've read on these boards. It doesn't seem that confessing is any better than getting caught. In fact, it seems to me that if you get caught, your BS is more desperate to get/win you back, both men and women.

Of course, there could be some lurking variables, like young kids or economic hindrances...It doesn't seem to to make any difference to me.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> No you are quite mistaken about that. The amount of damage increases dramatically with the level of deception. My first reaction on finding this out on my own was to tell him to get out. If he had confessed I would have had more respect for him and been able to believe that he actually loved me and wanted to make the marriage better. As it was, he kept right on lying, and the damage piled up. We will never be the same. I will never feel the same about this person who could lie to me with such disrespect and cowardice. I stay in the marriage because of my family, not because of him. The man he has shown himself to be is not the person I loved and wanted to spend my life with.


I don't think I'm mistaken at all. You're still with your husband, after the initial discovery, after all the lies. You may not be happy, but you're still with him and trying to make it work. You may feel worse about it, but you're still trying to R. 

Like I said before, I can see how children can play a factor. I was raised in a family where my parents should have and eventually did divorce. Once they left each other, both of their lives dramatically improved. And to not have to be around fighting parents all the time, my life dramatically improved.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Leslie, I really wish my WW came clean instead of me finding it out in the most humiliating way. We are in R, but it took her getting sick to stop the D (she's still on the meds). It would have saved me a lot of heartache and kept some remains of confidence in her if I didn't have to dig up all this sh*t myself.

So make no mistake, your revelations helped, if not to you but to your husband and (yes) your marriage. You can feel your chance for R is low, but it is tenfold of that if he discovered your affair on his own.


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