# any advice helps wife is not sending clear msgs



## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

OK married 10 years together 13. I'm 37 she's 42. I love my wife dearly but am not always good at showing her. On June 4th I found out she was texting an old boyfriend how they still loved each other and should still be together. The old boyfriend lives out of state. I confronted her and asked if she was having an affair. She said no but he was giving her something I wasn't. attention and affection but no affair. 

She left while I was @ work that day and went to her mothers house who was out of town so my wife gets a house with no bills. At first she said she needed time to think. I did some reading about marriage and soul searching and realized I could be a better husband. I told her so in a letter. The next day we had breakfast and she told me the letter was sweet but she was done with the marriage and I need to start to move on. That was last Sunday, well on Wednesday she called me up and wanted to go out. she said she missed me. We went out and had a great time together. She said she would slow down and see if we can reconnect. Now today she texted me that she wanted to come over and get the rest of her personal stuff and she doesn't want to disappoint me and get my hopes up. 

I'm so confused by her signals and she will not talk about the relationship part with me. I also know she has been lying to me about what she's told her mother and lied to her mother about what's going on. I feel like I need some answers but don't know how to act to her. I want her back more than anything. Any advice is much appreciated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think her change in mood has more to do with a relationship that she has on the side then the one she has with you. The minute her side fling isnt going well she'll come back to you. But if they are getting along then she'll just drop you. I dont really have any advice as to how to get her back; i just think her mood swings are coming from someone else she is seeing.


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

I went to bbq @ mutual friends house today. The W was not there so I got the where's the wife? questions. This is the first time I've been out socially where I'd be asked questions of this nature. It was very hard saying we are separated and not getting upset. This sucks but sharing here seems to help so I will continue to share what's happening.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

All the signs of an affair are there, in fact - she's already told you. In my opinion, emotional affairs are worst than physical as they blind your wife's ability to truly put effort into the marriage. 

Also, these "mixed" signals are nothing more than her way of letting you down "lightly" - it happened to me (I've been separated for 4+ months). You need to start working on yourself - this is the only thing you can do that will have a positive outcome regardless of how the situation ends up.

I'll post more later - just getting back to this forum stuff. I feel a responsibility to provide an update and lessons learned for my situation... Hopefully it can help others.

In the mean time, tread carefully my friend... Women in these situations are like monkeys - They will only let go of one branch when they have a firm grip on another.


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

Thanks gfc. I'm going to the bookstore today anybody got any good suggestions on a title to help improve myself through this seperation?


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

solo - Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that there's anything wrong with you that needs fixing cause I wouldn't know that at this point. Please don't beat yourself up over this - your situation sounds "typical" and relates closely to mine. All I'm saying is pick something personal that you wish you were better at (i.e. better communicator, listener, lover, etc...) and research some books/reviews - tonnes out there! As men being faced with a crisis situation our instincts tell us to FIX IT! There is no direct or quick fix for this situation – only room for improvement.

I picked up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I wanted to explore the conditions and pitfalls of being a "Nice Guy" and see if I could draw any insight from it. Well, I'm about 75% nice guy (I think we ALL are to some extent) and 25% "normal" or what society has lead us to believe is "normal". Book was well worth it - not finished yet as I put it down while I focus my efforts on another book suggested by my therapist - "On Your Own Again" - great book on helping you understand the stages of separation/divorce and the emotions that go along with it - I personally think you can read this at anytime (even while married). Some good relationship advice in this one and things I wish I knew months ago...


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

Well W came by this morning to pick up the rest of her personal thinks. I wanted to be nice and helpful and not get in an argument. It started out nice enough but when she got a margarita pitcher out to pack and I asked isn't that ours she blew up. Started getting all irrational and saying this is why I'm leaving you, your so selfish. I told her it didn't matter to take it but she just wouldn't calm down. She said you can have the rest I'm done. I told her I didn't want everything but she was so mean and there was no love in her at all. I can't believe after 3+ weeks it could be this bad. She left very abruptly and I don't know what will happen next. Man this sucks so bad, I just wanted to be nice to her when she was here but she didn't seam to want to be nice. Do you think I should just give her a week to cool off or what should be my next step? I am going to see a councilor this week just for my own sanity but I'm so heartbroken and hurting.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Solo,

She wants to push your buttons. She wants a reaction out of you that you are mean. So she took something tivial -- the pitcher and just a word and blew it up for now reason. Well there was a reason, as I said she wants to remember you as "being selfish". This justifies her actions on leaving you. The wayward spouse does this to minimize their own guilt. 

So in the future, if she jumps on something. Don't aplogize -- cause then you look weak - and just let it go. Remember her emotions are just as frazzled as yours are, but she is looking to reinforce her image of you. 

And I'm not saying you are selfish. I'm saying she has created an image of you in her mind that you are. But there is some truth in it as well to her. That you seemed more concerned with other things than her. Try exploring that. Really look at yourself regarding that.

I found a great book is "Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliot Katz. 

Peace.


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

Thanks feelingalone your post makes a lot of sense.


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## solostinarizona (Jun 21, 2010)

well today is one month since the W left. I have not had any contact with her since Monday. I have been working on myself, started exercising again. I have been reading a lot about relationships and looking at my flaws. I must say this month has been the longest month ever. I'm going hiking tomorrow with a friend. Just an update on my situation. Everyone going through this know your not alone and this website is very helpful. Thanks all.


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