# I need to end a 25 year controlled marraige



## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I have had to go through counceling about 6 years ago to figure out that my husband isnt just jelous - but rather controlling. with my appearances, money, who I talk with. where I work. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit it-
I met him when I was 19. He was 27. I felt that whirlwind love feeling. We got pregnant when I was 21 and married right away. Many years of fighting. We have three boys; 18, 22 & 24.
My heart is angry and bitter. He has cheated on me more than once, lied and I now understand the relationship. I tried to "save" it many times. By forgiving and spending all of my time raising my kids. As he continued to work a night shift and sleep during the day, he put his needs first and somehow I was lost in the kids and stopped caring about myself.
I have learned that he is controlling, has been verbally and physically abusive and there is no point in staying now that my kids are older. I feel I am ready for change and want something for myself. He wont allow me to travel for my work. He's not the type of person you can sit down with and say "I would like a divorce" -he will freak out and accuse me of cheating. Destroy my things and follow and harrass me. I know him. He's done those things before.

I am ready to leave, but things are complicated. My 22 year old son was recently diagnosed with a mental illness. He wont be able to work and most likely not be able to be on his own. My job does not pay alot. And my husband does not make alot of money either. Being on my own is something I need to do, but how to do it is the hard part. 

My father that lives near is also a mess. I'd be leaving one mess for another. I really want to live happy and feel hope again.
I want to excell at work and meet up with old friends and make new ones. I feel alone all the time. 2 of my kids know I want out and support my decisions. 
I just dont know how! where to begin and where to go.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

The first thing to do is go to the Social Security Office and file for SSI for your son. At his age, it might be that he has to file for himself if he's capable of filling out the paperwork. Mental illness is a disability, so he will receive a monthly stipend to help with his care. He will also be eligible for food benefits (a food card) and possibly a living allowance. You will have to check with your local welfare office about it, whatever that office is called in your state.

Call 211 on your home phone or call the domestic abuse hotline. They will refer you to various domestic abuse shelters in your area. These abuse shelter all have different resources available. Some offer free counseling. Most have access to subsidized housing programs. You are likely eligible. Talk with various ones. They are always happy to help, but you have to find out which ones can help you best.

Also, domestic violence shelters can help you plan an exit strategy. Divorce is not something anyone has to ask for. You do not need your husband's permission. If you want a divorce, then you get a divorce. If you fear retaliation from him, they will help you get away immediately. If you are not in immediate danger, then they can help you plan your future.

Talk with a divorce attorney. Initial consultations are usually free. A divorce attorney will let you know what your rights are and what you can expect in a divorce. 

Begin saving as much money as you can. If you have to get away from him, staying in an abuse shelter is free, so you can be saving money while you're there. They provide food and everything at no cost. Some will allow you to stay for 30 days. Some are 60 days. Some are 90 days. If you need more time, they usually grant extensions. And while you're there, they will be helping you find housing assistance.

The words "abuse shelter" might sound intimidating and you might think that is not someplace you want to be. But, they are not normally insititutionalized facilities as you might imagine. Usually, they are just nice houses that are kept clean and run by nice people.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you. My son did get on SSI. So it helps pay his meds. They granted me control of his funds - seperate account and all, but it's still not enough for him to be on his own. It pays his medicine, dental bills etc. which is a big help. Usually I would pay all of that. That has been another battle I've been fighting on my own. (another long story).

My other son also has a life altering illness (diagnosed when he was little), so there are loads of medical expenses - which I pay. He's also applying for SSI. Hopefully it will be approved.

I have an appt next week to talk with a group/free counceling, I was conerned if I called someone it would show up in my medical bills, but this place I found is free and confidential. Of course I have to go during working hours. I will start there. I just hate feeling alone. I know I cant keep doing things "his way" and I have alot of fears of failing.

But, we dont own a house together, the kids are older. No custody issues. 
I just want to feel good and not look over my shoulder any more. Take line dancing, pilates, go take college course and get a business degree. It's time for me...it would be nice to have dreams and not have someone tell me how stupid I am for not being realistic. thanks for listening/ or rather reading


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Update: I have another counceling appt. today.
I turned in my housing application last week. When I called to fax my financial and ID info- they told me to hold off, that they already filled the one spot they had open. He said I was next in line. 

I'm torn up and a nervous wreck. I dont know how long it takes to wait. I guess I'll ask that question today.

Last night my husband went to visit his brother. When he left I checked the history of the computer. I clicked on a yahoo mail item and it opened up to his email. WOW - just what I expected.
Alot of nude photos of different women. He had chat "offline" and two people left messages. One said "Lick it" and the other said "Psssttt". I was so upset and shaken that I wrote down as many names with their emails that sent the photos and the chat buddies he had. I dont know what I'll do with that info - but I guess it's just evidence...
This is why he acted funny when he got up the other morning and said "sneaking on the computer?" to me.
I said, why would I be sneaky on the computer? Is there something to hide? Our son had been up that morning and was on it. But it just shows me - he's at his old tricks.

I was affraid my son would see me on, so I got offline and left it logged on as he left it and closed out the window and removed my history....
I layed in bed for a long time - just couldnt sleep.
It's strange how I'm not all freaked out. I guess I've known all along and it just double confirms what I already knew and reconfirms why I have to keep moving forward. Just wishing I had a place to go NOW. 
I cringe when he touches me and he gets upset at me. this stuff is eating at me. 

I never felt so much discussed for someone - he doesnt even deserve to be called a husband. He never earned that title.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I wish you lived on the East Coast instead of the West...I would tell U to pack ur stuff and I would come get you and your kids and get you the hell out of there....please keep us posted....thinkin of ya


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

notperfectanymore said:


> I wish you lived on the East Coast instead of the West...I would tell U to pack ur stuff and I would come get you and your kids and get you the hell out of there....please keep us posted....thinkin of ya



aw thank you. I have another thread on here saying about the same. Basically, last week my dad broke his femur.
He's an alcoholic and I need to try to help him right now.
He's got a girlfriend that is my age, doesnt work, cook or clean. They fight pretty bad. I guess during another fight, she shoved him and that's how he broke his leg. He's been avoiding me for a couple of years. 
When I got to his house, it was worse than I could imagin. 
and he lost so much weight and he was a mess.
Hospital is the best place for him. and I'm trying to see if he'll let me help him get that woman out of his house, help him clean up and try to be there for him more. 
Hoping he will let me help him - 
He just doesnt want to be alone as he gets older I think.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Update. Well it took a while and a heck of a ride. I finally established my own place. I pick up my keys next week. I'm proud of me! Less than 1 year. I had a bit of a break down I learned just what a bad person he is and I fell apart - he has a secret side of him that is very bad. I'm back up and moving forward. I'll spend the next few weeks filing for divorce and reporting him to authorities. 

Thanks to everyone for the support. Next week and forward will be hard - but I am stronger and can deal with it better now.


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