# Will this actually work out?



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

In everyone's experience, what would you say the odds of a separation actually helping a marriage are?

3 months ago, my wife of 14 years told me she was unhappy. We discussed the reasons and she had some vary valid complaints about things I've done or not done. We've discussed a slow build in the distance between us over the last year or two and how it seemed like we were just going through the paces.

Hearing this hurt, but at the same time, it was a wake up call. I love her, she loves me...let's fix these things and get back to what we were when both of us were happy. I was actually happy to have these conversations. We even began MC and the therapist said she had seen a lot of bad marriages, but she fully believed we had what it took to be happy and work this out.

Fast forward to now...my wife says she doesn't think she is in love anymore. She "loves" me but may not be "in love" with me. She doesn't want to have sex "right now". Anytime I want to discuss the issues, she feels "stifled" so she think she needs some space from the elephant in the room. I am moving out in a couple weeks and I'm not sure this is going to solve anything.

My thought is that a separation just gets her farther from the issues, makes her more comfortable and eventually she'll just give up. Of course, I don't want a separation, but I also can't stand to live in these circumstances much longer either. I want it to work. I'd hate to throw away a 20 year relationship and 14 years of marriage in what seems like overnight.

Do they come back from separations learning that things are and were good and that we can work it out or should I consider this over and start preparing myself for that?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Statistically, couples who separate are highly unlikely to reconcile. I have a lousy memory these days, but it is around 20%. 

Are you sure your wife is not invested in someone else?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HCH said:


> Fast forward to now...my wife says she doesn't think she is in love anymore. She "loves" me but may not be "in love" with me. She doesn't want to have sex "right now". Anytime I want to discuss the issues, she feels "stifled" so she think she needs some space from the elephant in the room.


So wy doesn't she move out? She wants the separation, right? Why should you have to uproot your entire life to accomodate her needed "space?"



HCH said:


> I am moving out in a couple weeks and I'm not sure this is going to solve anything.


I wouldn't do that if I were you. Legally this can be seen as abandonment. 

Separation is usually the precursor to The End. 

You both have to want it.

Is she seeing someone else? Or just done?

Doesn't sound like she is very committed to working things out.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

MSP said:


> Are you sure your wife is not invested in someone else?


I'm probably 90% sure. Of course when things like this are going on, you have doubts. I've known her for a LONG time. Even before we dated. I've been friends with her and around when she was dating others. The idea of her cheating on someone was never even a thought. She was always faithful to everyone as far as I knew.

Stuff changes I guess, but it is more unlikely than likely.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. I jus threw that out there because your story sounds like an affair could be happening. Her actions, not wanting sex, and wanting a separation after telling you she isn't sure if she is "in love" with you anymore.

All recipes for an affair.

Still, I think you should tell her that a separation isn't going to solve the marital problems and that you are committed to the marriage--if she is. Marriage counselling?

You don't mention what the "valid complaints" were either..


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Have you ever tried the MMSL stuff? I think there are some pretty big holes in it, but it's better than where most men come from, through their exposure to media and so forth.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You're right, a separation won't fix anything and will only make matter worse. If you're going to fix anything you have to be there so you can do it together. I know in some states the separation is looked at as abandonment and you are just giving her more that she can use on you in divorce court. 

I would stress to her that you are committed to working things out with her. I would discourage MC since most of the time it's focused on men being the problem.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> So wy doesn't she move out? She wants the separation, right? Why should you have to uproot your entire life to accomodate her needed "space?"


I've decided to make the move for my own benefit. Besides, this way she has to handle all of the feeding animals, cleaning, mowing, etc. without me. I get to live in a decent apartment without all of the upkeep.




Jellybeans said:


> I wouldn't do that if I were you. Legally this can be seen as abandonment.


I've discussed this with her and also have a lot of conversation via email so that I can protect myself. I've made it perfectly clear that my intentions are to remain married and stay with her. I'm doing this in hopes of saving our marriage.



Jellybeans said:


> Separation is usually the precursor to The End.
> 
> You both have to want it.
> 
> ...


As I answered the other comment, I'm pretty sure cheating is not part of the problem, but have not completely ruled it out. She says she is committed to "trying" to work this out. She apologizes and says she wish she didn't feel this way, but doesn't know how to change it.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Still, I think you should tell her that a separation isn't going to solve the marital problems and that you are committed to the marriage--if she is. Marriage counselling?
> 
> You don't mention what the "valid complaints" were either..


We are going to counseling once a week.

Her complaints were that I was putting more into work than I was at home. I had become distant. I wasn't always there for her when she needed me, but she feels like she is always trying to be there for me. Always making sure that I'm happy and I don't do the same for her.

Some of that is valid and as soon as this all came up, I realized what it was I was doing and made legitimate changes trying to right the wrongs. None of it has mattered.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

MSP said:


> Have you ever tried the MMSL stuff? I think there are some pretty big holes in it, but it's better than where most men come from, through their exposure to media and so forth.


Sorry, I don't know what the MMSL stuff is...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life. Google it.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

HCH said:


> Sorry, I don't know what the MMSL stuff is...


Ah. Well, that may explain your marriage issues. As I said, it's not nearly the panacea that some guys believe it to be, but it's better than the typical media-fed view men have.

HERE.

Thank me later.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I do not think separations save marriages most of the time but it would have saved mine.

First of all, do not move out. Unfortunately, the WAS should be forced to act to complete their desire to split.

WAS needs space to understand what they are losing. I suggest you give her space, let her move out if she wants to and start working on yourself. If there are things about your personality she does not like and you agree work on those things on your own.

The sad truth is that you need to start preparing for your life without her. It often happens that WAS finds out the grass is NOT greener and wants to attempt R.

I cannot stress this enough because my mistake and my WAW's mistake destroyed our chance to R. If you separate, make sure the ground rules are set and agreed to. AKA no dating(if she decides to date, your marriage is over), child care rules, etc. Do not compromise on those rules during the separation. Put a time limit on the separation, say 6-12 months. Work on yourself the whole time, do not assume the outcome R or D.

At the end of the separation, you will be ready for whatever the next step is R or D.

Good luck friend, tough times ahead, better times after that.

Stretch


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> You're right, a separation won't fix anything and will only make matter worse. If you're going to fix anything you have to be there so you can do it together.


That's exactly how I feel, but now it seems that I've become too much to handle. The emotions and conversations have all made her feel like a horrible person and it's just uncomfortable for both of us at home right now. I can sort of understand needing to take a step back from it and see it in a different perspective, but I'm terribly afraid it will just end it altogether.




jb02157 said:


> I know in some states the separation is looked at as abandonment and you are just giving her more that she can use on you in divorce court.


I looked it up and we'd need to live separately for a year for a divorce based on abandonment.




jb02157 said:


> I would stress to her that you are committed to working things out with her. I would discourage MC since most of the time it's focused on men being the problem.


I couldn't possibly stress anymore my commitment to working things out. She knows that the rest of this lies solely in her hands.

We've been doing the MC. I was skeptical, but so far it has been pretty fair and balanced. We have definitely hit on her faults as well.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Stretch said:


> Good luck friend, tough times ahead, better times after that.


Thanks.


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

Your story seems like an absolute replica of my own.

I could say with confidence that every single day that passes by while separated brings you closer and closer to divorce. The physical time and distance apart can in no way lead you both to reconcile. 

The time and space me and my stbxw spent apart just eroded whatever chance we had left to fix our marriage. 

I suspect your wife wants her own space but wants u at the same time to keep shouldering your responsibilities and obligations towards her. But she should not be allowed to have it both ways. 

If u drifted when u were together....surely u will both drift apart much more when separated. 

If she is even remotely committed to fixing and saving ur marriage...then u should do ur best to work with her and convince her to work with u to make it happen. If she is not...and u do separate...then I guess the odds will clearly be tilting towards an inevitable divorce.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

The simple answer to your question is "yes" separations can work to improve and save a marriage. This is, of course, dependent on both parties being committed to working on your relationship. If she is trying to distance herself from you, remaining close and refusing to give her space will be counter-productive anyway. I recommend a book titled _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages In Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. He gives specific steps on what to do when one spouse is pulling away from the other. 

The fact that she is willing to participate in MC is encouraging. Have you considered individual counseling for yourself? Do you attend church at all? Many Pastors are a good resource for helping in situations like this. There are also organizations that exist to strengthen marriages. If you would like recommendations please send me a private message. My prayers are with you.


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