# 3 years of constant arguing



## losthope01 (Apr 22, 2017)

Hello, thanks for reading. I will try to make this brief and I would really like a 3rd party opinion.

Background: I dated my husband for 3 years before getting married. In our relationship, we have always argued over finances and his lazyness. We probably didn't talk for 1.5 years out of the 3 years of our marriage because we were fighting.
1 year into the marriage, I found out he brought in 30k credit card debt and 100k student loan into the marriage and had lied about how much he made by a significant amount. 
He has a separate side carpeting business he started before he married me. His parents don't work and they depend on him (or us) and we use the carpeting business to give them around 3k a month.

While I didn't exactly agree that his parents would depend on us solely, I went with it. 7 months ago, he lost his job. He kept funding his parents while bringing nothing into our household. (I work and bring in around 100k) I found this to be very unfair.

While my husband is nice to me usually, he has fundamental character issue. He lies and exaggerates like its no big deal and talks crap about my parents, sister and I behind my back. I have caught him doing this many times. He is nice to my family in front of their faces but says a lot of mean and cynical things behind their backs. This really hurts my feelings. It makes me think he has dissociative personality disorder.

A couple days ago, his chat was open and I decided to go through them because I had this odd feeling.. Sure enough it was him talking more crap about my parents and I. I saw that he said to his friend he was going to hide his assets in an LLC so I can't get to it. I confronted him and he said 'I can't do this anymore. You went through my chat again. I want a separation for a year.'. In my mind, me looking at his chat history isn't the fundamental issue. Every time I've seen his history I've found something very messed up. The issue is that he is a pathological liar who has 2 totally different sides to him.

I do want to go through with the separation because I am just so disgusted with him. 
My questions are
1. Should I not even waste my time with this person whos characters is flawed? Should I just go through with the divorce without the trial separation period?
2. He said I was welcome to date others during the separation. Did he mean this? I am tempted to see other people because I am just so tired of dealing with his lies and bs.

Thanks for reading.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off, don't slip up and have a kid with this guy! That would be the worst thing you could do right now. 

Honestly he doesn't sound like a prize. Money is a very important part of marriage, and him lying about it to you is a huge red flag. Sounds like you married under false pretenses. Just so you know there are responsible men out there, some even take care of their parents, but they don't do it in such a way that they lie and make you feel like you have no say. 

He also has shown you disrespect, not everyone is going to love their in laws but it's bad form to talk bad about them to others. And stupid to do it in text where you can be incriminated, I can see talking to a friend in person if you need to vet. 

I don't get why you want to stay together if you want to see other people, what if you meet the right guy and he finds out you are still married, then you loose your chance. And most smart men, and men of character are not going to do long term dating with a women who is unsure about her marriage. All you will attract is sex partners. If you have sex with them and then eventually want to get back together with your husband these sex partners will be another problem to contend with.

Make your decision and stick to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

losthope01 said:


> I do want to go through with the separation because I am just so disgusted with him.
> 
> My questions are
> 
> 1. Should I not even waste my time with this person whos characters is flawed? Should I just go through with the divorce without the trial separation period?


Based on what you posted, don't waste any more of your life on this guy. Get a divorce.

In order to fix this marriage, he is going to have to change his very nature. He's a liar. He does not respect you and even bad mouths you behind your back to his friends. These are flaws that are at his very core. He's not gong to change.

I'm curious, do his parents have an income from any other source?



losthope01 said:


> 2. He said I was welcome to date others during the separation. Did he mean this? I am tempted to see other people because I am just so tired of dealing with his lies and bs.


Sure he means it, because then he can date. 

What does he expect a separation to do that will help, especially if the two of you are dating others? This is little more than one step closer to a divorce. Does he expect you to still give him money during the separation?

I don't know what state you live in, but in some states he could go to court and demand support from you since it seems that you earn a lot more than he does. One reason that I think you need to get a divorce is so that you end the marriage before you are married long enough to have to pay him alimony.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd suspect that separation to him means that he looks around to see if he can did better than you, and if he can't you're still plan B.

And even though he says you can date others he'll probably talk behind your back about how you're cheating on him. 

Don't waste any more time with this guy..... just file now.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Maybe you should take a break but not divorce, use that break to remember why u married in the first place. I doubt he was all bad and that there are wonder qualities that your husband possess. Cleaving is painful. It hurts a lot during this course. He lied, yeah and about something big. But this would be an opportunity for the two of you to put your heads together and figure a way out of it. These trials usually builds a stronger relationship. I also sense trust issues, from both of you, you do not trust him and he does not trust, hence the lies to make everything sound fine. We all hope to fall in love and live happily ever after, with minor bumps in the road. But in truth there are a lot of bumps, but we have to find ways to be loving, respectful and kind to each other as we ride them. Some days I feel such love for my spouse i can't believe how lucky I am, and other days I wonder if I bury him in the back yard how long it would take the police to find out. I could remember feeling like i hated my spouse for almost the first three years of marriage. Like really hate him and we had dated for 6 six with minimal arguments, so marriage was the next logical step. When i married him it was like he'd changed over night, where he used to be fun and exciting, he became very reserved. he made my blood boiled. It all changed when (for me) I started studying my bible on what a wife was and how she should be in a marriage, it then stemmed into books about wives and their marriages. I started researching how to change me and not him. I started little by little to change and without even telling him about it, my husband started to respond to that change in a positive way. We have a great marriage today. Although we still have some issues, right now getting him to see his BFF is hitting on me. But I have matured enough to know that this too will pass and we will stronger for it in the end. Because in all that I do, I always show him respect even when he hurts me. And he always responds to that, although sometimes it takes a little while. 

Find out how you can help your husband. Maybe under all the lies and deceit there is truly a really nice guy. You wouldn't have married him anyway if he wasn't. All the best. 

I doubt that your husband is totally bad.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree with the others move on, he is not worth it. I would not stand for my H to speak bad about me behind my back that is just wrong.

I would move on faster then his head could spin.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

He sounds like my last two girlfriends, OP. This is the real him. He is not who you thought he was and he won't change. You know the tip of the iceberg, by the way.

If he's extreme enough to be classified with a personality disorder or not doesn't matter. He's manipulated you into marriage and is now manipulating others around him against you.

I can predict his next moves if you like.

GTFO ASAP.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

Hello OP - I havent read the other replies.

However - my wife would simply not tolerate me supporting my parents financially - and I wouldnt see that as my job in any case. The idea with parents is that they bring you up - prepare you for life - and set you free. That's the deal. It is not the idea that they sit on your necks when you are trying to establish yourself in a marriage. If they think that is acceptable - to hell with them! And if your partner thinks it is ok - sorry - but you should run! Next he will have you nursing them in old age.

That is my view - his rubbishing your parents and lying just underlines how important it is to leave him quickly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You can do better in life.

He cannot.

Divorce the back-biting, lying loafer.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's character assassinating you and your family to other people, that's a very bad sign.
It means that he has zero respect for you and would rather lie/exaggerate to make himself look good... and you look like a crazy cow.

I'd let him go, he's not husband/SO material. He's immature.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would leave... 

The funding his parents, him not having a job, a lot of debt, bad mouthing you and your family behind your back and the possibility of hiding assets/$$$. WOW.. Don't say anything before you visit a lawyer.

YES you can definitely do better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its hard to understand why you married him when you had been dating for so long. Did you not know that he lied and supported his parents by then? Why aren't his parents working? Are there siblings?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It does not look good, it is bad enough he supports his parents, but now you are supporting him and his parents. I think you should call him out on all his ****, sit down in front of a counsellor and put it all on the table, if he refuses to do anything about it, you have your answer, get a lawyer and get a divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont bother with separation, just file for divorce. Its very wrong of him to fully support his parents and NOT contribute to his own family household. And liars are the absolute WORST. LIARS NEVER CHANGE.


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