# Guys what do you think of Open School night?



## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

My kids are grown now, but when they were young, I'd go to open school night on occasion, if I could get off of work in time. 

My GF is going tonite and asked me if I wanted to go. She was mostly kidding but I guess part of her wanted me to be there, who know. Anyway I graciously declined. His dad is in his life 50% and even he's not going. Yes I'm a father figure to him and it's all good but I draw my line in the sand and Open School night is on the other side of that particular line. 

I have a fond memory of the last open school night I attended, post divorce when my teenage daughter came to live with me for a period of time when she got tired of mom's BS.

I tried to be a good dad, so off I went. I met with all the teachers, got all the handouts, listened to everything they told me, but on the way home in the car all I could remember was thinking that her math and science teachers (one was blonde one brunette, both in their 20s) would have made an incredible threesome. 

I just can't help it I guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been dating her?

Just on the topic of the school open house night. I think it's very very wrong that the father will not go to this. Not going sends the message to the kid that they and their education is very low priority. Kids whose parents (both parents) are very involved in their kids education do better in school. Yes even if that means parents (to include the father) going to the school's open house and meeting the teachers and seeing what the teachers and school require and are doing.

If you think you are a father figure to this kid, why wouldn't you go to the open house at his school? Why wouldn't you show interest?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been dating her?


5 years. Living together for 2 years. 



EleGirl said:


> Just on the topic of the school open house night. I think it's very very wrong that the father will not go to this.


Agreed. He's got some issues. He loves his kid, he's involved with him but only to an extent. Never takes him anywhere they just hang out at his shop where he sells furniture and at a house he rents and lives with 2 other guys. Understandably the boy is not as interested in spending time with dad as he gets older. 



EleGirl said:


> Not going sends the message to the kid that they and their education is very low priority.


 @EleGirl I totally get your point and you're right but I am just not getting involved to that extent. I spend time with him, I help guide him and occasionally mildly discipline him and point out when he's being lazy and taking advantage of his very generous and hard working mom, I'll occasionally help with homework and help him study for tests but that's about as far as I'm taking it. I've been there, done that with my kids and I just don't want to. 



EleGirl said:


> Kids whose parents (both parents) are very involved in their kids education do better in school.


He's in all accelerated classes, very smart kid was in the "gifted" program until this year when all the kids are put into the regular classes- but he's all honors.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I am in my second marriage. My husband's daughters are all grown up, mine are in middle and high school.

I don't quite understand the picking and choosing on what "parenting" pieces a step-parent chooses to undertake. Parenting isn't a one- way street. It's not all about the parent guiding, disciplining, etc....It's also about the parent (and step-parent) supporting the child. It means attending the parent required activities (open house, choir/band concerts)...It's such a simple opportunity to nourish a relationship with a step-child. They see that you care about them...there's no heavy lifting involved.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Sounds like a good thing to do !


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> I don't quite understand the picking and choosing on what "parenting" pieces a step-parent chooses to undertake.


I'm not a step parent. I'm her mom's boyfriend. 

That much being said, to some extent I have assumed a fatherly role. Not my original intention it just evolved that way. 

I don't feel I have an obligation just because I'm in a relationship with his mom.

That much being said we do a fair amount of things together and spend time together. 

No expectations.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Sounds like a good thing to do !


What is with your one word or one line posts all over the place?

Doesn't seem like you even read most of the threads you're responding to.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

When you support the kids and their stuff (school/sports/etc), more likely they will respect your authority when you need to lead or discipline.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

caruso said:


> I'm not a step parent. I'm her mom's boyfriend.
> 
> That much being said, to some extent I have assumed a fatherly role. Not my original intention it just evolved that way.
> 
> ...


You are not just dating his mom. You live with her and her son. So in many ways you are a step-parent.

But.. you have defined what you are wiling to do with and for him. 

His father should be more involved. Too bad he cares so little.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You are not just dating his mom. You live with her and her son. So in many ways you are a step-parent.
> 
> But.. you have defined what you are wiling to do with and for him.
> 
> His father should be more involved. Too bad he cares so little.


He cares about his son, he's just got some issues which prevent him from doing more with him. 

The kids home now, we're going to play tennis since he just started taking lessons. 

Mom's going to come home and then go to the school and him and I are going to hang.

It's all good.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would love to have an invitation like that involving my GF son but sadly that is not what she wants so I am hands off. Her x is no where in the picture and never attends such things. So when it comes to parent teacher night my GF and her Mom go. Just the way it is here


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would go. My kids were excellent students but I still went. All kids have little missteps at times, and back to school night is a good way to catch early if something is going off kilter. Especially with teens. Or, with a new teacher who doesn't know the kid and just assumes they're B material when they should be getting As.

You are more than just your son's mother's boyfriend. You're an adult male role model for the kid. It is important to him emotionally to have adult males interested in his life. Probably he acts aloof, giving one word answers to most questions. He still needs your support and interest.

I can remember some of my daughter's school nights at the large public high school. It was a bit of a circus with all the teachers crammed into the gym and parents lined up for their 5 minutes. Still, it sent the message to our daughter that we cared and were interested in what was going on.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Thor said:


> You are more than just your son's mother's boyfriend. You're an adult male role model for the kid. It is important to him emotionally to have adult males interested in his life. Probably he acts aloof, giving one word answers to most questions. He still needs your support and interest.


I'm interested in his life. He just started taking tennis lessons. We played for an hour and a half yesterday. I even let him win once. He likes model rockets, I got him several kits for his birthday and we shot them off recently. He likes nerf guns, I'm picking up supplies for him after work today. While his mom was at open school nite I listened to him playing guitar to "Carry on my wayward son". He's gotten so good I actually recognize the song he's playing and I told him as much. You get the idea. We have conversations, not one word answers. He respecs me and listens to me when I tell him what to do. I care, I just don't do everything a natural parent might do and I don't feel I need to.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

caruso said:


> What is with your one word or one line posts all over the place?
> 
> Doesn't seem like you even read most of the threads you're responding to.


What's with busting my chops, I read them all just don't feel I need to write a lot at this point.. lets say I am getting used to how things are around here before I put myself out there..


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

caruso said:


> He's in all accelerated classes, very smart kid was in the "gifted" program until this year when all the kids are put into the regular classes- but he's all honors.


That's the dumbest thing about open school nights.

When I'd go to my kid's advanced classes, the room would be overflowing with parents.

I'd go to a non-advanced class and it would be me and two or three others.

I figured my kids would do just fine and stopped showing up, it's all just virtue signalling anyway.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> I figured my kids would do just fine and stopped showing up, it's all just virtue signalling anyway.


You stopped going to your kids open school nights altogether?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

caruso said:


> You stopped going to your kids open school nights altogether?


Yes. If anything was going awry in school, the kids would have told me.

It never really told me anything I didn't already know. Seemed like it was more about parents displaying what good parents they were.

When they were in high school, we'd go on a 45 minute walk together each night and they would vie over who's turn it was to tell me about their day.

All now out of college with minimum 3.75 GPAs, so it worked out okay.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

But what about the hot young teachers?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

caruso said:


> I'm interested in his life. He just started taking tennis lessons. We played for an hour and a half yesterday. I even let him win once. He likes model rockets, I got him several kits for his birthday and we shot them off recently. He likes nerf guns, I'm picking up supplies for him after work today. While his mom was at open school nite I listened to him playing guitar to "Carry on my wayward son". He's gotten so good I actually recognize the song he's playing and I told him as much. You get the idea. We have conversations, not one word answers. He respecs me and listens to me when I tell him what to do. I care, I just don't do everything a natural parent might do and I don't feel I need to.


Sounds like you guys have an awesome relationship and he seems like a wonderful boy. Carry on dad. Do what is good for you and your son and what works for you guys. But lets remember mum was at open school night, so he had someone representing him. 

My son is now 17, I am skipping out on PTA meetings and open school night. I never get to see the teacher for more than 5 secs so not worth my time. I write emails and notes to the teachers if I have any questions. They always reply. I prefer that.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm actually a teacher, and I have to say that the open school nights are fine if you like that kind of thing, but not a tragedy if you miss it; a lot of stuff like that in life is fluff and for show. It's never the parents the teachers need to see that comes anyway. As someone said, the advanced classes are full, and the regular ones are almost empty.

I teach at the high school where my son started as a freshman this year, and he didn't even go to the open school night. He hates that kind of thing. He has a 107 average in chemistry. I think his lowest average is 97, so he's not struggling. 

Support is not always what we do on the outside; an open school night lasts a few minutes in each room; it's the rest of the time that makes the big difference with kids. 

I'm not saying that people shouldn't go to open school night if it works for them and they enjoy it, but I also don't think the ones here who mentioned not going are neglectful. It's all about the parent-child relationship and what is going on in their lives. An open school night is not going to make or break anyone.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

southbound said:


> I teach at the high school where my son started as a freshman this year, and he didn't even go to the open school night. He hates that kind of thing.


I wasn't aware that students go to open school nights.

By any chance do you teach Junior HS math or science? :grin2:


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

Parents/teachers meetings are a yes, the Open School nights are a no. The former I feel is useful and it's always nice to get compliments about how great your kids are! 

However, the latter? My perception is that it's mostly logistics and BS, and there is always some boring twat of a parent who will want to talk about the weight of the kids' backpacks or why the school web site is not updated every 10 minutes. Makes me a bad dad maybe....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'll weigh in with my experience as a child. My parents rarely went to my back to school nights. I was an excellent student, so I guess they thought there was no need. But their attitude about BTS nights was typical of many other things which they didn't really bother to go to. Not that they totally abandoned me or never went to any activities with me, but they probably missed 75% or more of my activities. Little league games, Jr High wrestling matches, high school theater and music events, Boy Scouts, etc. They didn't bother to come watch me perform with Doc Severinsen at a major festival.

If a parent is involved, interested, and shows a positive attitude about their kids' lives, I don't think missing some events is important. But if not going to back to school night is part of a larger trend, then yeah I think there is a problem there.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

When my son was going to school, I attended back to school nights with his dad (we were good friends after the divorce).

It never even occurred to me to ask my then live-in boyfriend to go with me.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I can't see a single reason that more than one parent needs to attend something like this. My wife has social anxiety, so I go to these things exclusively. I get the lowdown on what's going on, teacher contact info, procedures, etc. I can share all of this info with my wife when I get home. Some of this over parenting stuff gets out of hand. 

In your case, it's really about your girlfriend's feelings, not the kid's needs. Doesn't sound like this situation will cause major heartburn, but I would recommend a direct conversation about the role you are willing to play in parenting her child. Make sure her expectations do not exceed your intentions.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

I showed her this thread.

She corrected me.

She never asked me to go, she just said she was going, she had no expectations that I would go.

For whatever that's worth.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

caruso said:


> I wasn't aware that students go to open school nights.
> 
> By any chance do you teach Junior HS math or science? :grin2:


Ok, maybe we are talking about two different things. I know that terminology is different across the country. To be honest, we don't have anything called "open school night," but I assumed you were talking about a parent/teacher type thing or "back to school night." 

I teach Exceptional Education at the high school. I teach Math, Science, Social Studies, Reading, Writing, and Vocational.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

southbound said:


> Ok, maybe we are talking about two different things. I know that terminology is different across the country. To be honest, we don't have anything called "open school night," but I assumed you were talking about a parent/teacher type thing or "back to school night."
> 
> I teach Exceptional Education at the high school. I teach Math, Science, Social Studies, Reading, Writing, and Vocational.


I asked you if you were a Math or Science teacher because those were the two hot young teachers I was fantasizing about in my first post on this thread. The ones that were telling me all about the things they were teaching their students and in my head they were teaching me a few things too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I would love to have an invitation like that involving my GF son but sadly that is not what she wants so I am hands off. Her x is no where in the picture and never attends such things. So when it comes to parent teacher night my GF and her Mom go. Just the way it is here


I find that so sad  For both you and the boy. It's one thing to do it that way when you first start dating, or if you don't live together but that's not the case with the two of you. I don't understand why she moved in to be honest - what was her goal? Two separate families under one roof?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I find that so sad  For both you and the boy. It's one thing to do it that way when you first start dating, or if you don't live together but that's not the case with the two of you. I don't understand why she moved in to be honest - what was her goal? Two separate families under one roof?


That's a really great question. Honestly I don't know. We never discussed it and I,maybe mistakenly, made an assumption she was looking at it the same way I was. Although I am satisfied with how things are now if I had know at the time that this was how it would be I might have backed out of her moving in. It wasn't what my long term plan was but I do have to wonder if maybe she was right and for two families coming together maybe this is how it should be. I mean most second marriages divorce over existing kid issues. We literally have none of that because we don't parent each other's kiddo. Strange as it sounds it does work.


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