# very confused



## cueball1202 (Apr 30, 2012)

k im new on here and ive tried numerous different techniques to figure out my problems so i thought why not try a forum an see if anyone has a simular problem..........here i go.............. ive been married for lil over three yrs and the past yr has been really rough our sex life has gone off the deep end we r down to once every 8 days or so and keep in mind im 29 and she is 30 so we should be having more sex............we fight alot ....so the past 3 weeks i have been doin everything that she would like to see out of me cleanin cookin and being nicer .... and honestly ive been doin really good at i clean everyday.....an the biggie for me is she hates when i ask for sex .so i did stop.........shes told me numerous times if i would stop askin that she would come to me and that hasnt happened....... lately in the past month she has been workin out and she has lost alot of weight and she admits that she is way more comforable with herself then she has ever been and that right there should make her want to have sex.
when it comes to fightin when she starts naggin and tryin to pick a fight i just agree with her or just walk away and that never works so i thought i would sit there let her say what she needs to say an respond the nicest way i possibly can and that is a no go. i dont know what to do....in the past when it has gotten to this point we spilt up and shortly after we r back together and everything is great for atleast 8 months then it will slowly start again............any pointers would be great...or questions that i can answer to make this easier


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Your story is posted here almost daily. "Low drive" wife, high drive husband. It typically follows a script something like this:

Met wife. Great sex for first year. Then started dropping off.

Went from screwing like bunnies, to once a week. Then once every couple of weeks. To once a month, to once every couple of months. Etc., etc.

Wife says: I'm tired. I'm stressed. I've got too much to do. I'm not in the mood. Is that all you think about? We just had sex. If you'd stop bothering me about it maybe I'd get in the mood.

Husband thinks: I need to be more romantic. Need to do more. I'll cook. I'll clean. I'll keep my mouth shut about it. I love her and want more, but don't want to leave her. 

Wife SEES (but does not quite understand it): I'm not attracted to him. I don't have to put out because he'll never leave. I'm treating him like crap, and the worse I treat him the more he does to kiss my azz. 

And...nothing changes. 

Because, you're being a doormat. A nice guy. She's no longer attracted to you. What she needs is not for you to cook her dinner, do her laundry, and run her errands, but rather for you to (figuratively) put a foot up her azz. How do you do that, and still be a "nice guy"?

You don't. Start by stopping being a "nice guy" and instead be a "good guy" (there's a difference). A genuine good guy who watches out for himself. Who takes care of himself. Who won't tolerate being treated like crap, a sexless marriage, or being continually disrespected. He will be respectful. He will treat her like a queen as long as she treats him like a king. He will open doors for her, pull out her chair for her, and be a gentleman. He will treat her well if she deserves it...if she treats him well. If she does not do so, he will start pulling away, mentally preparing himself to leave, as he should, when someone does not treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Oh, he won't necessarily tell her he's going to leave....she'll see it and feel it by his actions. He's got hobbies outside of the house. He's working out and getting more attractive. Who is he meeting when he's out? Why is he being distant? How can he be happy and distant from ME? 

A "nice guy" puts up with crap. Becomes a doormat to his wife. Puts all of her needs, wants, desires, and whims before his own happiness. He wants to "keep the peace". He's afraid if he makes a stand, she'll leave, cheat, or "really cut him off". He thinks this is the way it just is. Happens all the time to married people, right? I mean all the guys complain about it! 

He loves her and thinks she's amazing, but for this ONE THING. And he's afraid to make a stand and give her the impression he won't tolerate it because he thinks he should be thankful to have "at least this" because she's amazing, and he's afraid she'll get pizzed and leave. Well, I've got news for you dummy (not you presonally, guys in general), YOU WERE AT ONE TIME AMAZING TO HER OR YOU WOULDN'T HAVE "LANDED HER".

He grows resentful, but does nothing about it. Oh, he'll "talk" to her about it. Beg. Plead. Get angry. Accept "pity sex" from her. But he takes no real action. And she not only does not respect it, she does not appreciate it, and it certainly does not attract her to you. Because she feels subconsciously that since he is acting this way, he is of lower value than her. That he believes that about himself. Wait, what?!!! That's not the guy she fell in love with! The guy she pursued! The guy she fell in love with was charming, funny, a man, he had confidence, and she had to work to keep him interested. But now that she's got him gut hooked, she can relax. She knows this because EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE GIVES HIM CHIT he accepts it, backs down, and kisses her azz. And she detests him for it deep down.

This same scenario plays out on these forums every single day. Just look through the posts. And then look through the posts of the guys who were that doormat, and are now once again screwing like bunnies. And they again have their wife's respect, attraction, and admiration. And these guys never had to (or stopped) beg, plead, yell, scream, throw things, get verbally or physically abusive. All they did was "man up" and start taking care of themselves. Putting themselves first. And stop taking less than a solid effort from their wives.

Read up here, and also read a couple books (Married Man Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy). It will show you how to find yourself again or to be what you hopefully once were before you let your wife carry your balls around in her purse. While you smiled and cooked her dinner for her then put her to bed with a massage right before you got rudely rejected yet again, and "rubbed one out" (masturbated) out of frustration, right before you did the dishes and her laundry.

Stop being a doormat. Your wife wants that, no matter how much she may protest on the surface.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh, and don't be the guy that comes on here, and whines and cries about not getting any, and who dismisses those of us who actually are screwing like teenagers on prom night several times a week with our long term wives, getting blowjobs in the car or shower, by looking for the "easy answer" or thinking "that won't work with my wife". 

Read the freakin' books and this forum. IT DOES WORK AND IT DOES APPLY. Then re-grow your balls, and show her that you actually will "walk off the car lot" when the car salesman (your wife) tries to tell you that's the best deal they can offer (she tries to call you on your new efforts to take care of yourself and plays like she's doing all she can). 

If you think your wife is worth it, don't be a lazy azzhat. Do the work (read the books and apply what you learn). Doesn't she, and you, not deserve that? Do it. And she'll thank you....with a lot of genuine affection and sex.

(One more thing...if you suck in bed, again, start reading. If your wife is amazing, she deserves someone who can rock her world in the sack. When you can rock your woman's world in bed, her desire for sex is rarely an issue.)


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

donny64 said:


> ...When you can rock your woman's world in bed, her desire for sex is rarely an issue.)


This is really the bottom line.

Not to sound too ****y, but I've never had a problem getting laid. The factors that will get you a lot of sex are: being attractive, being confident and secure in yourself, being a good lover, creating sexual situations... FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT. Make relaxed time alone, verbal foreplay, compliments or notes/cards with spice, sexts/calls way before evening, sexual discussions of fantasies, etc), and showing your appreciation for sex with her (telling her, occasional flowers and gifts, notes etc). Notice I said showing your appreciation, and don't ever confuse that with bribing for sex/attention.

Keep in mind there's a difference between a lot of sex and _quality _sex. I could have a lot of sex with hookers, and frankly, I could afford damn good ones if I just had myself to take care of. To get quality sex, which is ultimately what I and basically everyone would prefer, you need intimacy. That means connecting. That means friendship with your spouse. Friendship is based on common interest, sharing emotions, and sharing experiences together. Try reading Men Mars/Women Venus, reading on this forum, taking a personality test with your wife (should've done that way before marriage but it's always still a learning exp), taking hotel weekends - even if they're fairly local, and accomplishing things together: games, home projects, budgeting, etc. Discuss her and your goals, your past, your fantasies in bed. If you have to confidence and trust, then discuss past fun experiences... but don't mention too much about the past lovers' qualities (esp physical attributes).

If you guys don't have kids yet, consider that any sexual intimacy will be much much more difficult if you have kids, and if she thinks her stress is too much now, she has no idea what's coming.

If you try your best for the next couple months with improving the friendship, intimacy, and sex yet are still spinning your wheels, then try formal marriage counseling.

The lack of sex + her working out part + frequent breakups is a bit concerning. I wouldn't be afraid to ask her if there's factors she hasn't mentioned or some *major *intimacy barrier (aka some other guy's c0ck) she's not telling you about. I think she feels insecure with you and that you might flake out, and she is prepping for the worst ... if she hasn't emotionally checked out already. If there is and affair, end the marriage. Counseling together will quickly get you to realize whether you are both on the same page with the same priorities or not. If it's not a religious marriage and you didn't totally evaluate compatibility with counseling and meeting families and discussing long term goals etc before you said "I do," then I don't see any real problem considering separation if one of you checks out (literally or mentally) from the marriage counseling. People get married to a partner they're not very compatible all the time due to their life "timeline" idea, lack of counseling and prep before the marriage, or just inexperience and the feeling they "should be married." You live, you learn. GL


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

cueball1202 said:


> k im new on here and ive tried numerous different techniques to figure out my problems so i thought why not try a forum an see if anyone has a simular problem..........here i go.............. ive been married for lil over three yrs and the past yr has been really rough our sex life has gone off the deep end we r down to once every 8 days or so and keep in mind im 29 and she is 30 so we should be having more sex............we fight alot ....so the past 3 weeks i have been doin everything that she would like to see out of me cleanin cookin and being nicer .... and honestly ive been doin really good at i clean everyday.r


So she neglects you and you reward her. Why would she be motivated to change?


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## cueball1202 (Apr 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cueball1202 (Apr 30, 2012)

Wow u all just blew my mind...... An no I'm not one of those whinny guys just fed up .... squeezing one out just ain't workin anymore. I will get in shape an take all of the advise I just got thanks guys this is what I needed to hear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The advise is sound. Your too young to be in a sexless marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cueball1202 (Apr 30, 2012)

richie33 said:


> The advise is sound. Your too young to be in a sexless marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I thought too...... Way to young to be sexless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

She nags, throws around an attitude or picks fights about things, and your respond by agreeing with her?

Dude, stand your f-ing ground. Having a vagina between her legs does not make her right about things.


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## baopuity (Nov 12, 2012)

I just got thanks guys this is what I needed to hear


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

Donny it feels like you were speaking directly to me then buddy.

I am a married man who used to be so confident with the ladies and the centre of the party prior to being with my wife and it seems that somehow i have lost all my confidence and friends etc because all i have done is focus on her and trying to make her happy.

She treats me poorly so i work harder to please her, i have also noticed in the past that if im in a bad mood due to work or lack of sex she seems more interested I.E she'll make my favourite meal or be affectionate etc then when i am back to my normal self she is to i.e treating me pretty poorly.

When it comes to sex I am like a little lap dog waiting for a crumb from the table, and when she does i dote on her expecting a repeat performance only to be left hanging on till next month


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

BBCJON said:


> Donny it feels like you were speaking directly to me then buddy.
> 
> I am a married man who used to be so confident with the ladies and the centre of the party prior to being with my wife and it seems that somehow i have lost all my confidence and friends etc because all i have done is focus on her and trying to make her happy.
> 
> ...


I decided long ago, during a period of self imposed abstinence from dating and women (I had A LOT of time to think until I healed and felt I was "whole", happy, and ready to date again) that I would NEVER tolerate such a situation again from a woman. She's going to be "into" me, or she can hit the bricks. Oh, I'll do my damdest to facilitate her being into me, and I do work for my wife's respect and affection every single day, but I do not "bribe" her to try and win it (or sex). I win it by being a good man, the best man I can be. I get laid by a woman who is truly passionate about sex with me about as often as I can stand it. And after years of this, nearly every single sexual encounter is as amazing and fulfilling as the first. I do my share around the house and with family things (my share, not mine AND hers), I am a gentleman to her (even when I'm pizzed), I treat her very well, and I want her respect. She deserves to be treated great, and I do that. She deserves a man she can look up to as a good, solid person and life partner, and I try to be that. The day she stops appreciating that is the day I stop trying. Period.

I've made my changes and corrected things as well. I will never show my W a level of respect (or act in front of her in a way) less than that I would show my mother. I keep that in my mind and try to live it every day. I lived with my mother for 18 years as a child and young man, and later in life after dad died. She could frustrate me no end! I never let her see it in a disrespectful way. Why, I thought (with all that time I had to think), would I not treat my woman with the same consideration? There is no reason not to but one...complacency. I don't get complacent. I don't take her for granted. Ever. By the same token, I also do not accept it from her. Ever.

As for the sex, there's a difference between "don't want to" and "can't". If she doesn't want to, and it becomes a habit, I WILL start distancing myself and preparing myself to detach and find someone who does appreciate me and "want to". I feel this with every fiber of my being because I've been on the other side. And it was a miserable life. I did as many do. Kissed her azz. Did more (too much). Argued, pleaded, and picked up her sex crumbs. And it never got better. It only got worse. And I tolerated it until I could tolerate it no longer. Result? Years of happiness lost.

After that, I changed. Really changed. As I said, I decided I would never put up with it again. I'm a good man. I know that. I did not deserve (though I may have contributed to through inaction) the misery heaped upon me. A woman can count herself very lucky to have me. After a lot of self reflection, and seeing so many other loser, cheating, flaky, low morals men out there, I finally "got that" about myself. And I came to the conclusion that any woman in my life had better feel lucky to have me and appreciate me. Or I'll find one who will. This, btw, is never "communicated" in a c0cky manner. It is just who I am and how I conduct myself. I feel it, want it, and own it.

Also, again, there is a difference between "don't want to" and "can't". My W went through a period of several months of recurring ovarian cysts. Followed up by another month of what we thought was a heart condition (but was nothing more than anxiety attacks as it turned out, thank god). In that four months we did not have sex one time. And not one time did I complain. Or ask for it. Or whine, beg, or get angry. I expressed desire that "when she was better, it is ON!!!!", but that's it. I took care of myself, and she helped when she was up to it. When she got better, we picked up right where we left off.

On the other hand, she learned early on, do not tell me "no". Or toss my hand aside as though it was a bug or the hand of a bothersome kid tugging on mommy's skirt as I go to "initiate" and caress her body. That brings out the "bad Donny" who starts distancing himself. I'm not an errant boy reaching for a cookie jar. If you don't feel like it, fine. Sometimes I don't either. But I will NEVER reject her rudely, and I expect the same consideration of her. If she's not in the mood, she'll say "baby, right now I'm just not up to it (bad day, sick, out of sorts, whatever), but I will phuck your brains out later" as she grabs my groping hand and pulls it around her tighter. In return, I don't "huff", roll over, pout, and turn my back to her out of frustration...because there is none. I'll hold her tighter and know that in the next hours or day(s), when she is feeling better or more "in the mood", she's going to screw me silly.

It took me a lot of years and reflection to learn this. I used to think "that wouldn't work with so-and-so" or "this woman". I was wrong. It's easy. Be a good man, and expect to be treated as such. When that doesn't happen, and you are being taken for granted, start preparing to walk away. If you're a good man, you deserve better than that.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

cueball1202 said:


> when it comes to fightin when she starts naggin and tryin to pick a fight i just agree with her or just walk away and that never works so i thought i would sit there let her say what she needs to say an respond the nicest way i possibly can and that is a no go. i dont know what to do...*.in the past when it has gotten to this point we spilt up* and shortly after we r back together and everything is great for atleast 8 months then it will slowly start again............any pointers would be great...or questions that i can answer to make this easier


What does that mean? You've left her multiple times already? She's left you? Where do you go? For how long? If this is a pattern for the two of you, you have problems with conflict resolution and communication, not to mention a lack of understanding between you. Running away creates drama, which is what brings you back together...extreme emotion => passion. That's not healthy.

Have you listened and really heard her when she's "trying to pick a fight"? What exactly sets her off? Sometimes it's not about the thing that sets her off, but underlying issues. When she's nagging you repeatedly about something, there is building resentment. That kills libido. A resentful woman doesn't want to have sex.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

cueball1202 said:


> k im new on here and ive tried numerous different techniques to figure out my problems so i thought why not try a forum an see if anyone has a simular problem..........here i go.............. ive been married for lil over three yrs and the past yr has been really rough our sex life has gone off the deep end we r down to once every 8 days or so and keep in mind im 29 and she is 30 so we should be having more sex............we fight alot ....so the past 3 weeks i have been doin everything that she would like to see out of me cleanin cookin and being nicer .... and honestly ive been doin really good at i clean everyday.....an the biggie for me is she hates when i ask for sex .so i did stop.........shes told me numerous times if i would stop askin that she would come to me and that hasnt happened....... lately in the past month she has been workin out and she has lost alot of weight and she admits that she is way more comforable with herself then she has ever been and that right there should make her want to have sex.
> when it comes to fightin when she starts naggin and tryin to pick a fight i just agree with her or just walk away and that never works so i thought i would sit there let her say what she needs to say an respond the nicest way i possibly can and that is a no go. i dont know what to do....in the past when it has gotten to this point we spilt up and shortly after we r back together and everything is great for atleast 8 months then it will slowly start again............any pointers would be great...or questions that i can answer to make this easier


Every 8 days. That's great, I am going into month 5. Last night I was in bed and just caressing my wife, suddenly she takes my hand an and flings it away. Woopidy doo, so fun to be me! I also do boatloads of housework. Somedays my wife practically has the day off the very next day she is angry. It seems the nicer you are the more you get screwed. The problem is that if I do lag in my chores, nothing would get done. She will actually remind me of the things I don't do, such as well you never sent in that paperwork. Then she'll say tell me what to do. So I said pick up the mail every day and sort it. Never happened. Sometimes my suggestions of things to so are met with hostility and remarks suggesting that a particular task is demeaning ... Which is ultimately quite insulting since its ok for me k so it. Some partners (this goes for men and women) just hate their lives and I think they ultimately blame their partners. Sometimes I hate my life but I blame myself for being so foolish...

So to the advice, take care of yourself, stop being 'nice'. You'll be called a f'ing a-hole (believe me it's happened numerous times here) because you just being average compared to nice looks horrible relatively speaking. I have been accused of being mean when I am being nice and asking for some affection. Oh here's a good one. Once in the midst of sex she was complaining up a storm so I stopped - that unleashed a monster as I said I don't want to do it if you don't. Amazing huh! I was called an f'ing a-hole again. That to me is sick. My advice of you don't have kids, time to have a long hard think about the future and think about poor ah mucks like me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Every 8 days. That's great, I am going into month 5. Last night I was in bed and just caressing my wife, suddenly she takes my hand an and flings it away. Woopidy doo, so fun to be me! I also do boatloads of housework. Somedays my wife practically has the day off the very next day she is angry. It seems the nicer you are the more you get screwed. The problem is that if I do lag in my chores, nothing would get done. She will actually remind me of the things I don't do, such as well you never sent in that paperwork. Then she'll say tell me what to do. So I said pick up the mail every day and sort it. Never happened. Sometimes my suggestions of things to so are met with hostility and remarks suggesting that a particular task is demeaning ... Which is ultimately quite insulting since its ok for me k so it. Some partners (this goes for men and women) just hate their lives and I think they ultimately blame their partners. Sometimes I hate my life but I blame myself for being so foolish...
> 
> So to the advice, take care of yourself, stop being 'nice'. You'll be called a f'ing a-hole (believe me it's happened numerous times here) because you just being average compared to nice looks horrible relatively speaking. I have been accused of being mean when I am being nice and asking for some affection. Oh here's a good one. Once in the midst of sex she was complaining up a storm so I stopped - that unleashed a monster as I said I don't want to do it if you don't. Amazing huh! I was called an f'ing a-hole again. That to me is sick. My advice of you don't have kids, time to have a long hard think about the future and think about poor ah mucks like me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best thing to do is just walk away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

norajane said:


> What does that mean? You've left her multiple times already? She's left you? Where do you go? For how long? If this is a pattern for the two of you, you have problems with conflict resolution and communication, not to mention a lack of understanding between you. Running away creates drama, which is what brings you back together...extreme emotion => passion. That's not healthy.
> 
> Have you listened and really heard her when she's "trying to pick a fight"? What exactly sets her off? Sometimes it's not about the thing that sets her off, but underlying issues. When she's nagging you repeatedly about something, there is building resentment. That kills libido. A resentful woman doesn't want to have sex.


Sex! My wife doesn't even want to embrace. She was ignored as a child and is very cold. Once know a blue moon something miraculous happens then I get excited that things are changing and that freaks her out back to the cocoon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is suddenly motivated to exercise, lose weight and gain confidence? 

When a person is suddenly motivated to look good they may be doing it with the opposite sex in mind. Not always the case but it is worth exploring. 

Who does she have in mind? If not you then who?


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