# Husband is fed up with my mom living with us



## Goddess_T

*LONG POST *

So, my mom has been living with my husband and I for roughly 6 months now. Originally, she and my dad gave up their apartment and quit their jobs to become over the road truck drivers. They had asked us if they could stay with us once a month when they came into town. They were supposed to be over the road for about a month at at time and only come back for a couple days. My sister was pregnant at the time and my mom said that she'd stay with my sister to help out after the baby was born. Cool, not a problem. The issue here is that the original plan never worked out. My mom hardly ever left with my dad when he went on the road. Maybe twice.. She just stayed with us for the most part. After my sis had her baby, my mom only stayed with her for about a week. My sister drinks a lot and gets angry when she's drunk. Long story short, she went on an angry rant and kicked my mom out. So, my mom ended up coming back to my house. While she's at my house, she helps out a little, but not a lot. She doesn't cook that often and hardly washes the dishes or cleans up while we're at work. When we come home, we usually have to take care of it. Of course it's not her responsibility, but more help would be nice. This is a big problem for my husband. He gets really upset when we come home from work and she didn't wash the dishes/ straighten up when she's been home all day. I asked her if she could start helping with cleaning and she felt a certain way about that. She told my sister "I think they think I don't help out enough".. My husband says she's lazy and could do more.

They have a total of 8 grandchildren and they'd always pick the kids up and bring them to our house without letting us know. I already have 3 children and when ALL the kids are at my house, it's a bunch of screaming, running, fighting, tattling, crying, etc.. We really don't like dealing with that. It's just too much. But because they don't have a home of their own, I don't say anything. I know they want to spend time with their grandchildren (my nieces and nephews). My SO told me that they need to start asking before they bring the children over because majority of the time, we come home from work to a house full of kids. It gets aggravating. But I never told them anything because I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable (completely my fault).. My SO was also annoyed because they let our children eat too many sweets and let them do whatever they want, you know how grandparents do. He told me to talk to them about that. 

About 2 months ago, my Dad's truck broke down so he was also staying with us for about a month and a half.. He is a family man and always wants his grandchildren around. With that being said, we had a house full of children all the time. My husband was always aggravated and it honestly started to put a strain on my relationship. He was wanting me to tell them certain things and I didn't tell them because, once again, I didn't want them being uncomfortable. I realized that it's very difficult for me have these types of conversations with my parents, which is a problem. It gives me so much anxiety. 

They were getting ready to go over the road together. FINALLY!! My mom was finally leaving with my dad and I'd finally have my house back and I could start working on rebuilding my relationship with my husband (Because it caused a strain in our relationship).. They were supposed to be gone for a month. They came back literally only a week later. They stayed for about 4 days, but when my dad left, my mom did not go with him. After a couple of days, my mom told me that they were getting a divorce and she needed to stay with me for a while until she could get a job and an apartment. She was crying and had been depressed for over a month. I felt really bad for her, but also a little disappointed because I knew what that meant. It meant that it wasn't over. We weren't going to have our house back. 

When I told my husband, he didn't say anything at all. I tried telling him that she's been depressed and she's going through a lot... I've never seen her like this. I just want to help her.. But he wasn't having it. A couple days later, my dad came back and brought 2 of my nieces to my house while my husband was working from home. Including my 3 children, They must've been pretty loud so my husband called me while I was at work to see if my dad had asked if they could come over. I told him no and that i never told them to because my dad actually had let me know the last couple of times. I immediately called my dad and asked if he could start letting us know when he wants to bring the kids over. 

The last couple weeks my mom hasn't been helping much because she's so depressed over the divorce. She stays in her room and only comes out to eat and smoke. My husband is fed up. He said she has a month and she has to leave. This really shocked me. A month is no where near enough time for her to get a job and an apartment. He said that they are grown and can figure it out. Our marriage and his children are more important to him. I tried explaining to him that she's hurting and depressed right now. He said it's either that or our marriage. This hurt me. I feel like idk what to do. She has nowhere to go because she gave up everything to go over the road with my dad. My husband said it's my dad's responsibility. Not ours. I know that he's fed up, but I just can't see myself putting her out at a time like this. This caused a disagreement and it's triggering my depression and anxiety. I have not been myself throughout all this. He ended up extending it to 3 months, but I haven't told her yet because I Just don't know how. I just don't know what to do at all and it's stressing me out. But I do know that it's all my fault. How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?


----------



## Anastasia6

You made this mess by not intervening earlier. Your husband expressed several issues that you ignored. Now he's reached his limit.

I would like to think your family can work this out but it is going to require you to step up and even then he may just have reached his limit.

If they sold their house then in the divorce there should be cash for your mom to get an apartment. 

While I would do just about anything for my mom and both my mom and my MIL have spent time living at my house. I would never let it come between me and my husband.

You need to have some more honest conversations with everyone and stop hoping the issues will resolve themselves. I would start by telling both your parents not to bring ANY children to your house for now.

Unless they are paying rent. You and your husband need some peace. If you parents balk at this let them know that this arrangement has exceeded the original request and that you love them but it isn't working for your family. THEN don't negotiate. Don't say crap like if you did more dishes or if you asked first. Just leave it at no COMPANY at all. They can get an apartment if they want company. They can go to the nieces and nephews house and hang out. They can go to a park. They do not have to turn your house into daycare.

It isn't your place but you might want to step up and talk to your dad about the divorce and finances. In most states this is split 50/50. So if they sunk a bunch into a truck then your dad needs to sell the truck or buy mom out. There really isn't any reason why two people their age who just sold a house should be broke.


----------



## Blondilocks

"Mom, you're driving me crazy and ruining my marriage. Time to get out. Oh, and you and dad can no longer use our home as a free hotel. You have 30 days.".


----------



## Married but Happy

First thing, your mother needs medical help to treat the depression so she can take care of herself and be able to look for a job. It sounds like you may need help with depression and anxiety as well. Your husband isn't a jerk, but he's reaching his limit with a situation that was never intended to turn into your mother living with you full time. If your mother is actively seeking treatment and then actively begins a job search and then looks for her own place, he may be more flexible. You must also set a hard limit that she is not to bring over her grandchildren without your prior consent - for your husband's sake, it should not happen often - maybe once or twice a month.


----------



## Anastasia6

By the way you could also give your husband the power to negotiate with your parents himself. 

Each family / marriage works differently. I know in mine it is my responsibility to deal with my relatives and his to deal with his but you two could decide if he has a problem he approaches that person with his problem.

Just be prepared he may go farther than you would. Hurt feelings often never go away and neither do families.


----------



## farsidejunky

You may not like to hear this, but your first priority is to your husband and your children.

Your mother made her choices, and they did not work out. While it is admirable to want to help her, it is not necessarily your responsibility to do so...especially when your husband is clearly not okay with this situation.

Furthermore, you are in this position because you were unwilling to do something about it earlier, when the consequences were not as dire.

You are now left with a choice: prioritize your mother, or prioritize your husband.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## D0nnivain

Your mom overstayed her welcome Help her find a new place. Get her moved in. Life will get better all around. .


----------



## Diana7

You and your husband need to sit down and agree boundaries that you can put to your parents.
Then you need to all sit down and calmly tell them the boundaries. Tell them that they have x amount of time to find somewhere to live and move out. That on no account are they the bring anyone else to the house unless they have asked you prior. Especially if your husband is trying to work from home.
That while they are there they need to pay towards the running costs and food and being they are at home all day they need to do the household chores.

If you let them they will carry on walking all over you.

Presumably they have money? They are of working age. There is no need to sponge off you.


----------



## SunCMars

I am no help.

At one time I had 8 female family members and relatives living with me, occasionally, 1 male nephew.
For years, our house was never our own.

I worked A LOT of overtime to keep sane.

Even our cat was a female.


----------



## rugswept

I stopped reading along the way around when I read the 3rd or 4th thing your husband did not sign up for. 

There's making a reasonable accommodation and showing deference to your mom. Then it goes way beyond that to using you, assuming a lot as necessary about the accommodation and totally taking over the environment. I don't know who signed up for that.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Yep....it's time for a come to Jesus talk with mom.


----------



## drencrom

Goddess_T said:


> I tried explaining to him that she's hurting and depressed right now. He said it's either that or our marriage. This hurt me. I feel like idk what to do. She has nowhere to go because she gave up everything to go over the road with my dad. My husband said it's my dad's responsibility. Not ours. I know that he's fed up, but I just can't see myself putting her out at a time like this. This caused a disagreement and it's triggering my depression and anxiety. I have not been myself throughout all this. He ended up extending it to 3 months, but I haven't told her yet because I Just don't know how. I just don't know what to do at all and it's stressing me out. But I do know that it's all my fault. *How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?*


You don't. Its not your problem if he is a jerk. You tell your mother the plain truth.

Now I won't discount your husband's feelings, because I know there might be frustration with not having your house as your own right now.

But if I had someone I loved, married to, and her mother needed help through a rough time, she could stay with us as long as she needed. Its either your mom leaves or your marriage?? Seriously? Sorry, he is a jerk. If you don't want to put your foot down for your mother, and I can't criticize either way, then you tell her straight up that your husband wants her gone. If that means she'll hate him for being a jerk, so be it. I seriously hope your husband isn't throwing this ultimatum down, but telling you not to make him out to be the bad guy....because that would be a lie.

He's the one that wants her gone, so HE is the one that should man up and tell her to her face.

Thats the way you handle it, in my opinion.


----------



## drencrom

Anastasia6 said:


> By the way you could also give your husband the power to negotiate with your parents himself.


Or yes, this right here. Tell your husband, since he's so keen on dropping ultimatums and threatening your marriage like a jerk, that if he wants her gone, he can tell her. If he doesn't want to, then he's a chickens*** on top of being an a**hole.


----------



## harperlee

It's one thing to accommodate a paid and planned trip from the mother in law; quite another to have your life upended by what seems like the end of your parent's marriage. Do you toss your mother into the street...nope. But if she needs help, there be some changes coming down the pike.
First, no person is invited over without your husband and your own (together) permission. There will be no more coming home from work surprises. Period. This is your home, that's it.
Second, mom needs a doctor's appointment...a full physical evaluation and a discussion about anti depressants.
Third, if mom is serious about divorce, a consultation with an attorney (usually free) to answer questions regarding the division of assets...which lead to Four, finding mom a place to live.
Your mom brought you into this world and likely made lot's of sacrifices toward your well being. There is a way to respect your mother and your marriage. The emphasis should be on protecting your marriage while assisting your mother to live away from you.
Btw, keeping a home neat and not inviting other people over while a guest is a common courtesy. Not cool.


----------



## Ursula

Anastasia6 said:


> You made this mess by not intervening earlier. Your husband expressed several issues that you ignored. Now he's reached his limit.
> 
> I would like to think your family can work this out but it is going to require you to step up and even then he may just have reached his limit.
> 
> If they sold their house then in the divorce there should be cash for your mom to get an apartment.
> 
> While I would do just about anything for my mom and both my mom and my MIL have spent time living at my house. I would never let it come between me and my husband.
> 
> You need to have some more honest conversations with everyone and stop hoping the issues will resolve themselves. I would start by telling both your parents not to bring ANY children to your house for now.
> 
> Unless they are paying rent. You and your husband need some peace. If you parents balk at this let them know that this arrangement has exceeded the original request and that you love them but it isn't working for your family. THEN don't negotiate. Don't say crap like if you did more dishes or if you asked first. Just leave it at no COMPANY at all. They can get an apartment if they want company. They can go to the nieces and nephews house and hang out. They can go to a park. They do not have to turn your house into daycare.
> 
> It isn't your place but you might want to step up and talk to your dad about the divorce and finances. In most states this is split 50/50. So if they sunk a bunch into a truck then your dad needs to sell the truck or buy mom out. There really isn't any reason why two people their age who just sold a house should be broke.


I was going to reply to OP's post, but this here is bang on; I couldn't have said it any better!


----------



## Asterix

You need to start implementing boundaries with your family. What I read is that you've had your parents and nieces/nephews over quite often for some time now. It sounds like your husband is at the end of the rope here.

I don't think it is your husband's responsibility to institute the boundaries between you and your parents. If you can't tell your mother, then by all means ask your husband to do it. That'll show again that you are not good with boundaries.

I'm worried about the health of your marriage. For all you know, one day your husband would wake up, hear all the noise and then decide that this is it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

You need to take notes from your sister because she wasn't about to let that happen. Your husband is justified and not liking the situation and you need to handle it because they're your parents. It's not their home and this was never the deal and after this I would never make any kind of deal with them about staying any amount of time once you get rid of them. Give them notice.


----------



## jlg07

Sit down, write up a PLAN with target dates for when your Mom will have her own place and job.
Detail things (lawyer, finances, etc.) -- and talk about this with your H.
He has given MANY passes on this, and YOU need to show that you are serious about having an end date for this for your marriage's sake.


----------



## Openminded

You let your parents take advantage of you because deep inside you’re still that little girl who wants them to be happy with you. In doing so, you’ve almost ruined your marriage. Get them out before your husband gives up.


----------



## Mr. Nail

I don't think your husband is a jerk or an ass hole.
Your husband has just explained to you that you are standing under a falling rock.
You either move, or get hit.
That rock is going to fall.
Your parents started that rock rolling and have sped it on it's way.
Your husband has tried and tried to deflect the rock or move you out of it's path.
One of two things is going to happen very soon.
Your parents will stop interfering with your marriage and children.
OR
Your Husband will divorce you and try to protect the kids.
The rock is coming, what are you going to do?


----------



## Openminded

And, yes, she’s absolutely your dad’s responsibility. He shouldn’t even be staying with you at all if they’re getting a divorce. They both need to be getting apartments — now.


----------



## Luckylucky

In that lengthy post you stick up for your mum and dad over and over again. You can’t even directly tell them how to behave in your home.

‘I told them they need to start asking’. What?? No. It goes like this. ‘You’re not to bring kids over anymore.’

See how that goes? You’re not asking them, you’re telling them how it’s going to be without giving an explanation or allowing them to question you.

‘Mum, clean all the dishes by the time we get home from work’. ‘Mum, I don’t want to see any kids here, go visit your other kids if you miss them’. ‘Mum, you’re going to start doing the vacuuming and the gardening while we’re at work, and putting $50 towards the bills and shopping each week’.

And then your mum moves out. Because your husband will move out if you don’t stop being so enmeshed. You’re a mum and a wife now. You’re not your mum’s parent. Cut the strings.

I can see why your siblings don’t want her around.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

I'm all for kids caring for their parents ........ but in this case just NO.
Guests don't get to take over your house.


----------



## Cynthia

Your husband has been extremely patient. He has laid out his concerns and asked you to talk to you parents, but you have not done what he reasonably asked of you. You are disrespecting your husband and your marriage and saying it's because you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Your husband is terribly uncomfortable. What about him?! Good grief. He's about to divorce you and solve the problem that you refuse to address. Tell your mother that your husband is going to divorce you if she doesn't leave, so she needs to take a breath and get herself motivated to immediately find a job and a home. I understand she's depressed, but that is her responsibility to deal with and get back on her feet, not yours. 

In the meantime, you need to tell both of your parents that they are company. This is not their home. They are not allowed to invite anyone over - EVER. If they don't like it, they may be angry with you, but that's part of setting appropriate boundaries sometimes. They are taking advantage of you and your husband. You (yes- you) are destroying your marriage. Stop it right now and handle this like a grow up.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Your timidness with your parents, and their complete lack of boundaries when it comes to you and your hubby's home, are costing you your marriage. Your husband could handle the situation in a way that he sees fit, but then would you show him resentment for the way he dealt with your parents? As other have said, draw up a plan and timeline with your mom about getting a job and moving out, and be strict about it. And while your mom is staying there she needs to earn her keep. If she can't pay rent, she can do other things to help with the home and family upkeep.


----------



## Luckylucky

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to take notes from your sister because she wasn't about to let that happen. Your husband is justified and not liking the situation and you need to handle it because they're your parents. It's not their home and this was never the deal and after this I would never make any kind of deal with them about staying any amount of time once you get rid of them. Give them notice.


Take note of this.

Notice how your sister is labelled as a drunk who likes to fight and throw people out by you and your mum?

No, that was her being fed up and standing up for herself and her marriage and her family. She’s smart. You be smart too and don’t worry about what bad things your mum will say when you too kick her out.

She’s your dad’s problem, not your husbands.


----------



## drencrom

Asterix said:


> I don't think it is your husband's responsibility to institute the boundaries between you and your parents.


No, but if he wants her gone to the point he is going to threaten her with a "her or our marriage" ultimatum, then he is the one that should man up and tell her she needs to go.

And after that if she ends up moving out and there is bad blood, and he has the attitude like "ah, back to normal, come here honey, give me a smooch", she should tell him to go F himself. He'll have got what he wanted and she'll be heartbroken.

Like others here have said. There is a better way to do this. And an a**hole "her or our marriage" threat isn't the way to do it. If it were me, I'd help my wife find ways to HELP her mom to be able to move out. Not make my way or the highway threats.


----------



## drencrom

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to take notes from your sister because she wasn't about to let that happen. Your husband is justified and not liking the situation and you need to handle it because they're your parents.


I agree with her husband not liking the situation. But to tell her "your mother or our marriage", he sounds like a grade-A asshat. So if he is so keen on threatening the marriage, he can be the one to man up and tell her.


----------



## Blondilocks

I think her husband should tell mom, pop and his wife to get the hell out of his home. All 3 are grossly disrespecting him and the family unit. His kids will thank him.

I'll bet not one dime has been offered towards their food or utilities - they're moochers.


----------



## Livvie

Blondilocks said:


> I think her husband should tell mom, pop and his wife to get the hell out of his home. All 3 are grossly disrespecting him and the family unit. His kids will thank him.
> 
> I'll bet not one dime has been offered towards their food or utilities - they're moochers.


This. 

My head would have exploded long ago. This isn't even a marriage or a shared life.


----------



## Diceplayer

Goddess_T said:


> When we come home, we usually have to take care of it. Of course* it's not her responsibility,* but more help would be nice. This is a big problem for my husband. He gets really upset when we come home from work and she didn't wash the dishes/ straighten up when she's been home all day


It most certainly is her responsibility. She's living there rent free so the least she could do is to help out.


Goddess_T said:


> But because they don't have a home of their own, *I don't say anything.* I know they want to spend time with their grandchildren (my nieces and nephews).





Goddess_T said:


> *But I never told them anything because I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable *(completely my fault).
> 
> He was wanting me to tell them certain things and* I didn't tell them because, once again, I didn't want them being uncomfortable*.


But apparently you have no problem with your husband being uncomfortable.



Goddess_T said:


> *Our marriage and his children are more important to him.*


This really sticks out. You value your parents more than you do your husband, your children and your marriage. This is completely backwards.


Goddess_T said:


> *I feel like idk what to do*.


This is BS. You do know what to do, you just lack the fortitude to do it. You're coping out.


Goddess_T said:


> How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?


Your husband is not the problem, you are. Your parents are not the problem, you are. You my dear are an enabler. Your mother is not going to get a job or move out because she doesn't have to. Nothing will change unless you do. So put on your big girl panties and do what has to be done. Otherwise you will find yourself living with your mother permanently because your husband will be gone.


----------



## Cynthia

Goddess_T said:


> But I do know that it's all my fault. How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?


You are right. You have let this go too far. So far that your husband is ready to leave.

How do you tell your mother that she has to leave without making your husband seem like a jerk? Don't mention your husband. Your parents are the ones who are behaving badly. Both of them are. You have enabled them in this bad behavior. Your husband is not a jerk. He is desperate to get his life back and for good reason. Your mother is the one being a jerk. Now she is depressed and putting that off onto your shoulders. Let it go. Give it back to your mother where it belongs. I could not imagine doing to my children what your mother has been doing to you. Tell your mother than sitting around feeling sorry for herself and not contributing is not making her life any better. What she needs to do is to get on with her life.

You are not her mother, but she is acting like a child. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. Get on board with your husband and be on the same team with him. Take back your home and your life for the sake of your family. Do it today. Do not delay.

[Edited to fix incorrect quote.]


----------



## Blondilocks

*Mduck said:*

"But I do know that it's all my fault. How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?"

How did this quote get attributed to another poster?


----------



## Cynthia

Blondilocks said:


> *Mduck said:*
> 
> "But I do know that it's all my fault. How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?"
> 
> How did this quote get attributed to another poster?


Thank you for catching that. I'm not sure how I did it, but I edited the post to fix it.


----------



## Blondilocks

Cynthia said:


> Thank you for catching that.* I'm not sure how I did it,* but I edited the post to fix it.


You're a woman of many talents.


----------



## Anastasia6

Well I guess OP didn't like what we had to say...


----------



## Cynthia

Anastasia6 said:


> Well I guess OP didn't like what we had to say...


I know when I have an idea in my head that something is someone else's fault, but it becomes apparent that it's actually my fault, it may take me a while to swallow that truth. Hopefully she'll accept her responsibility and come back to let us know her marriage has been saved and her parents are taking responsibility for themselves.


----------



## lund

Goddess_T said:


> She doesn't cook that often and hardly washes the dishes or cleans up while we're at work. When we come home, we usually have to take care of it. Of course it's not her responsibility, but more help would be nice.... They have a total of 8 grandchildren and they'd always pick the kids up and bring them to our house without letting us know.




But it IS her responsibility. Housework isn't a guest's responsibility, but guests leave. She lives there. Guests also don't get to have their own guests without clearing it with the actual homeowners. Your mother gets the best of both worlds, your husband gets the worst of both worlds.




Goddess_T said:


> But because they don't have a home of their own...


And whose fault is that? Your parents' or your husband's?



Goddess_T said:


> My SO told me that they need to start asking before they bring the children over ...


Yeah, ya think? 



Goddess_T said:


> My SO was also annoyed because they let our children eat too many sweets and let them do whatever they want, you know how grandparents do. He told me to talk to them about that.


So he was undermined as a parent, in his own home, by someone living there for free.



Goddess_T said:


> About 2 months ago, my Dad's truck broke down so he was also staying with us for about a month and a half..


Did it take two whole months to fix the truck?



Goddess_T said:


> He is a family man and always wants his grandchildren around. With that being said, we had a house full of children all the time. My husband was always aggravated and it honestly started to put a strain on my relationship.


Your husband seems the only one in your home with no say in what goes on.



Goddess_T said:


> But I never told them anything because I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable (completely my fault).... He was wanting me to tell them certain things and I didn't tell them because, once again, I didn't want them being uncomfortable.


So you let him be uncomfortable instead, in his own home. 



Goddess_T said:


> Our marriage and his children are more important to him.


You'd have good reason to complain if this _wasn't_ the case.



Goddess_T said:


> I tried explaining to him that she's hurting and depressed right now...


Then she needs to seek treatment, and to look for a job. It doesn't sound like either is happening.



Goddess_T said:


> She has nowhere to go because she gave up everything to go over the road with my dad.


If the apartment was sold, she's presumably entitled to half that money. If they bought a truck, she's entitled to half its value. Plus possibly social security. There should be enough for her to buy or rent an apartment, especially if she gets a job. She was working before, after all.




Goddess_T said:


> My husband said it's my dad's responsibility. Not ours.


I think they're both responsible, but you and your husband are definitely not responsible for their bad financial decisions. If they flushed the money from the sale of the apartment down the toilet, that's their responsibility.



Goddess_T said:


> I haven't told her yet because I Just don't know how.


If you don't figure out how to tell her, your husband will figure out how to file for divorce. One option is to ask him to be the one to tell her, but then it will be up to him, not to you, how he tells her.



Goddess_T said:


> How do I tell her that she has to leave without making my husband seem like a jerk?


He probably doesn't care at this point if she thinks he's a jerk.


----------

