# Deep thoughts....



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The second one really hits home.

When my husband left me, I really swallowed my pride and put my ego to rest. It was difficult because we're all raised to "take no shet"...but...once I let go, things just naturally fell into place.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I really liked the first. I think a great number of cheaters continue on in their affair, knowing it's wrong and with a large part of them screaming to stop. They just can't find the will power to get off the bus and face the music. It's just another of the many contradictory things about an affair, but despite all the fog, euphoria, and excitement in an affair - cheating is hell. If people could just grab the wheel of their life and drive this place wouldn't be nearly so active. 

Thanks Beowulf.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Wow...this is amazing. Thank you for sharing.

I wish someone could email both of those to my husband....any volunteer?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sure. I'll do it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I can send them.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Beowulf, with me it was the opposite. It was my pride and sense of honor that would not let me abandon her after her affair, when she was suicidal. I took my vows seriously and gave her all the support I could .


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sigma, 
As you know, i am the BS but i totally agree with your comment above. My Hs A almost destroyed him. While he was in it he really was a different man, he was a shadow of his former self and in a lot of emotional pain. Some people will find it difficult to understand how i can empathize with him, but i really can. He was in such a dark and lonely place for a long time while in his A fog, and now that the fog has well and truly lifted he is almost back to his old self. He broke down in tears on Sunday and i held him like a child. He feels so guilty and ashamed for the hurt he has caused me this past year but we will make it. Im so glad neither of us was too proud to try again.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sigma,
> As you know, i am the BS but i totally agree with your comment above. My Hs A almost destroyed him. While he was in it he really was a different man, he was a shadow of his former self and in a lot of emotional pain. Some people will find it difficult to understand how i can empathize with him, but i really can. He was in such a dark and lonely place for a long time while in his A fog, and now that the fog has well and truly lifted he is almost back to his old self. He broke down in tears on Sunday and i held him like a child. He feels so guilty and ashamed for the hurt he has caused me this past year but we will make it. Im so glad neither of us was too proud to try again.


Daisy that is AWESOME. Hurt, pride, etc, etc can kill people and relationships. You are an amazing woman for being so kind spirited and gentle with him and also understanding. 

Do you have any resentment being the strong one? Or if you don't, how do get yourself to a place to not have resentment? Maybe it's a stupid question - but I get frustrated with me being the one who was hurt, but then I have to turn it all around and be the strong centered partner. Tough weekend for me because I found myself being resentful and irritated by it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Beowulf, with me it was the opposite. It was my pride and sense of honor that would not let me abandon her after her affair, when she was suicidal. I took my vows seriously and gave her all the support I could .


I know BB. You were as brave at home as you were abroad. You're an amazing guy and unfortunately all too rare nowadays. I hope things are going well for you my friend.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Daisy that is AWESOME. Hurt, pride, etc, etc can kill people and relationships. You are an amazing woman for being so kind spirited and gentle with him and also understanding.
> 
> Do you have any resentment being the strong one? Or if you don't, how do get yourself to a place to not have resentment? Maybe it's a stupid question - but I get frustrated with me being the one who was hurt, but then I have to turn it all around and be the strong centered partner. Tough weekend for me because I found myself being resentful and irritated by it.


 no I don't feel resentful because to me this is al part of our healing process. Before my Hs A the communication between us had really broken down and before we started R my H hadn't opened up to me for almost a year, so I welcome his show of emotions, whatever they are, and take it as a good sign.
I also don't feel resentful because he has been the one doing most of the comforting. He really has stepped up to the mark where my emotional support is concerned. He is beginning to understand my triggers and I can tell him when I need extra support and he is giving it. Also I have felt so weak for so long that it is actually quite nice to feel strong again. My IC thinks that I am a rescuer and that I have a tendency to want to protect and make excusus for my H. Some of that might be true, but that's just my personality. And to be honest I can't see anything wrong with trying to rescue and protect the ones you love as long as the actions are reciprocated.

Did you mean you felt resentful of giving extra support or resentful of your own hurt? Either way, try not too, as we all know, out emotions have a will of their own, but it is ALL part of our healing process. You probably know now when your wife needs a little extra support and I'm sure she knows when you need it too.

Oh and by the way, one of the reasons I am so understanding of my Hs needs at this time is because of the openness and honesty of posters like you and Sigma and Beowulf. You wil never know how much the sharing of your experiences has helped me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> no I don't feel resentful because to me this is al part of our healing process. Before my Hs A the communication between us had really broken down and before we started R my H hadn't opened up to me for almost a year, so I welcome his show of emotions, whatever they are, and take it as a good sign.
> I also don't feel resentful because he has been the one doing most of the comforting. He really has stepped up to the mark where my emotional support is concerned. He is beginning to understand my triggers and I can tell him when I need extra support and he is giving it. Also I have felt so weak for so long that it is actually quite nice to feel strong again. My IC thinks that I am a rescuer and that I have a tendency to want to protect and make excusus for my H. Some of that might be true, but that's just my personality. And to be honest I can't see anything wrong with trying to rescue and protect the ones you love as long as the actions are reciprocated.
> 
> Did you mean you felt resentful of giving extra support or resentful of your own hurt? Either way, try not too, as we all know, out emotions have a will of their own, but it is ALL part of our healing process. You probably know now when your wife needs a little extra support and I'm sure she knows when you need it too.
> ...


that sounds similar to me. I had, and I'm not exaggerating, the best marriage ever for the first 15 years. We dated in HS and we had college arrangements to go to the same school (he was one year ahead of me though) and I found out I was pregnant in the middle of my junior year. When I told him he held me tight and said this speeds up our plans and he never looked back with regret. me either. We were poor BUT super happy. And then as we became older and middle class we both, without intentions, became self centered. I started my dream business and he was offered a top position at his company. So hours and time was spent separate which was really no big deal on our kids because they were in Middle school and High school. We didn't even realize we drifted until it was too late. So I too feel a little responsible. I sold my business ASAP and focused on us. Problems were swept under a rug and we were in false R. 

Now here and I want to be different and do it right. But this is WAY WAY WAY harder. I have no good advice so it's funny to see you include my name with Sigma and Beowulf because they are the smart and have such sound advice. I will keep trying to help tho


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