# Views on romantic gestures



## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

So in my discussions with another member on TAM, I said something that got me wondering about how normal or unusual my views on typical “romance” or romantic gestures might be, especially as a woman.

I absolutely hate romantic gestures like love letter/notes, being sent flowers or some other sort of gift at work (receiving flowers at home isn’t as bad as in public or around other people), any sort of romantic surprise like a private candlelit dinner or something - that would make me literally feel queasy. I hate weddings. I do all that I can to avoid having to attend them. I even ran away and eloped because I didn’t want a traditional wedding of my own. We spent all of 5 minutes getting wed and it wasn’t romantic at all. I also hate receiving those heartfelt Hallmark greeting cards from my husband on Valentine’s Day, anniversary, or birthday. I’m sure I can think of many more examples, but you catch my drift.

My husband knows I don’t like these things and that I’d probably cut his balls off if he ever sent me flowers at work (he threatens to do it when he’s mad at me). So it’s not a problem in my relationship.

I’m just curious to find out how other women of TAM (or wives of the men of TAM) feel about this sort of thing. Do you love it? Hate it? Doesn’t make much of a difference? Wish your partner did more things like this for you?

No judgment, just curious to see how other women feel about this stuff. I get that other people may have different things they find romantic, their own version of romantic gestures, but I’m just referring to the stereotypical, classic sort of things we all see in TV movies.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I also do not care much for cut flowers, but do like a live orchid. Candlelit dinners are meh… but find me an out of the way mom and pop place with amazing food.. and I am hooked. Cards to me are just $$$ for big companies.. make me one or just tell me it is for me. Also mushy talk and expensive gifts are awkward. I am not a very typical female.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> So in my discussions with another member on TAM, I said something that got me wondering about how normal or unusual my views on typical “romance” or romantic gestures might be, especially as a woman.
> 
> My husband knows I don’t like these things and that I’d probably cut his balls off if he ever sent me flowers at work (he threatens to do it when he’s mad at me). So it’s not a problem in my relationship.
> 
> ...


In some ways, you are the perfect woman Cici.
Lol


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I find it super stressful to satisfy all these gift expectations on holidays. 

My ex fiancée expected a really nice gift for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, birthday, Easter, Doctor’s day, International women’s day, .....
Probably others. I’m not good at picking out gifts. The added pressure is even worse.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I find it super stressful to satisfy all these gift expectations on holidays.
> 
> My ex fiancée expected a really nice gift for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, birthday, Easter, Doctor’s day, International women’s day, .....
> Probably others. I’m not good at picking out gifts. The added pressure is even worse.


I do like thoughtful gifts or expensive gifts or expensive, thoughtful gifts 🤣.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Have you ever looked at your love languages? I think a lot of it might boil down to that. Gifts and Words of Affirmation are at the bottom for me (read: I do not give a crap about either of them). So any type of gifts or flowery language is not my thing. I am also a very private person so anything that puts public attention onto me (receiving flowers publicly, having them sing happy birthday at a restaurant, etc.) is pretty much my idea of a nightmare. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

kag123 said:


> Have you ever looked at your love languages? I think a lot of it might boil down to that. Gifts and Words of Affirmation are at the bottom for me (read: I do not give a crap about either of them). So any type of gifts or flowery language is not my thing. I am also a very private person so anything that puts public attention onto me (receiving flowers publicly, having them sing happy birthday at a restaurant, etc.) is pretty much my idea of a nightmare.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


I love gifts (just not “romantic” gifts and especially not romantic gifts given in public). I love being told how attractive I am or how good I am in bed, but don’t write it in a lovey dovey sort of way, put it in a love note or sappy card please. I don’t like mushy stuff. Somebody mentioned that acts of service may be my love language and yes I do enjoy when things are done for me (but not romantic, mushy things) and it makes me feel loved. I love to be pampered and spoiled. But don’t try to pamper me by having one of those couples massages at a spa or something similar! _barf_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> I do like thoughtful gifts or expensive gifts or expensive, thoughtful gifts 🤣.


I knew you’d bust my bubble on your next post. You always do. 🤓


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

kag123 said:


> Have you ever looked at your love languages? I think a lot of it might boil down to that. Gifts and Words of Affirmation are at the bottom for me (read: I do not give a crap about either of them). So any type of gifts or flowery language is not my thing. I am also a very private person so anything that puts public attention onto me (receiving flowers publicly, h*aving them sing happy birthday at a restaurant, etc.) is pretty much my idea of a nightmare.*
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I knew you’d bust my bubble on your next post. You always do. 🤓


I'm glad I could meet your expectations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I strongly dislike romantic gestures and always have. All of it makes me cringe — and that especially includes weddings and cards and flowers. I do, however, like practical gifts. They don’t have to be expensive for me to enjoy them but I’ve never turned down those that were.😉


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife isn’t on the site but I will answer for her:

Surprise flowers at public place (work) - 9/10 especially if expensive. I recommended this to my boxing coach and his wife was also 9/10.

Cheesy cards - 3/10

Serenade on nylon string guitar - 2/10 (wow am I that bad?)

Special surprise dressy dinner - 4/10 she doesn’t like surprises or dressing up.

Surprise trip to 5* hotel - 3/10 she wants to plan trips not have me plan them and she hates surprises

Surprise expensive ass jewelry from brand she likes in a style she likes where I went through great pains to obtain it - 3/10, why??!?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I strongly dislike romantic gestures and always have. All of it makes me cringe — and *that especially includes weddings* and cards and flowers. I do, however, like practical gifts. They don’t have to be expensive for me to enjoy them but I’ve never turned down those that were.😉


LOL 😂

My wife is not in to romantic gestures or gifts in general.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife isn’t on the site but I will answer for her:
> 
> Surprise flowers at public place (work) - 9/10 especially if expensive. I recommended this to my boxing coach and his wife was also 9/10.
> 
> ...


I think I could get along with her. 

Ok, totally agree with her on the serenade. That would be a negative 100 out of 10 for me, no matter how talented the person is. There is just something so incredibly uncomfortable about it. Maybe if it was one of my favorite musicians I want to sleep with I'd let it slide, but I'd still probable be cringing. 

I like dressing up, but not for any sort of surprise event. 

Fancy hotels are nice, but not when there are rose pedals on the bed, champagne on ice, all that sappy romantic stuff you can get in those packages nice hotels offer. 

I don't understand her not liking the expensive jewelry though. 20/10 for me on that one.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have an answer to this thread but it can't be4 shared in this sub fora.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

I wish my fiancé did things like this, but we have so many issues in our relationship, that I probably wouldn’t know how to react to romantic gestures like those. I’ve never had anyone do things like that for me in previous relationships. In the past, my fiancé has bought me flowers, a card and chocolates for my birthday and Valentine’s Day.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't mind a romantic gesture now and then. It's the motivation that makes the difference. 

One year my husband sent me a dozen red roses for my birthday. He was deployed to an extremely remote part of Pakistan. There were times when he couldn't even get an internet connection. But he put in the time and effort to make sure I got flowers while he was on the other side of the planet.

That meant a great deal to me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cici1990 said:


> So in my discussions with another member on TAM, I said something that got me wondering about how normal or unusual my views on typical “romance” or romantic gestures might be, especially as a woman.
> 
> I absolutely hate romantic gestures like love letter/notes, being sent flowers or some other sort of gift at work (receiving flowers at home isn’t as bad as in public or around other people), any sort of romantic surprise like a private candlelit dinner or something - that would make me literally feel queasy. I hate weddings. I do all that I can to avoid having to attend them. I even ran away and eloped because I didn’t want a traditional wedding of my own. We spent all of 5 minutes getting wed and it wasn’t romantic at all. I also hate receiving those heartfelt Hallmark greeting cards from my husband on Valentine’s Day, anniversary, or birthday. I’m sure I can think of many more examples, but you catch my drift.
> 
> ...


I'm sure people are all over the map on this one. I would have appreciated more romantic gestures than I got, but if someone was cloyingly romantic to the point of seeming desperate, that would have been a turn off. 

One guy I just really was crazy about was romantic but not in a physical way like that where he was giving gifts or anything like that. He was just galant and sometimes dramatic in an ancient courtly way. 

I never wanted a wedding either. If I had ever done it I would have eloped. I just wouldn't want to spend money that way. I'd rather use it for the honeymoon or to buy a house or to give to an animal charity.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Cici1990 said:


> I don't understand her not liking the expensive jewelry though. 20/10 for me on that one.


I got her a ring she had been eye’ing for her birthday I ordered in her size. The rep for NA drove up to the boutique in SF and brought it to me at work. I had told her I met with the guy because he was in town just to hang out. Then I was like hey X gave me this free swag. She opened it and was like uh... he didn’t give you that for free.

Anyway it has sat in the bank safe since then.

I didn’t learn my lesson. I am going to get us matching ones in a different color engraved before we go on a 14 day cruise we have next year and maybe arrange with the same guy to pick them up in NYC from him.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I got her a ring she had been eye’ing for her birthday I ordered in her size. The rep for NA drove up to the boutique in SF and brought it to me at work. I had told her I met with the guy because he was in town just to hang out. Then I was like hey X gave me this free swag. She opened it and was like uh... he didn’t give you that for free.
> 
> Anyway it has sat in the bank safe since then.
> 
> I didn’t learn my lesson. I am going to get us matching ones in a different color engraved before we go on a 14 day cruise we have next year and maybe arrange with the same guy to pick them up in NYC from him.


I’ll gladly wear it for her if she’d like 😉.
No sense in it just sitting at the bank gathering dust in that dark old vault. I’ll wear it in for her and give it back when it’s good and ready.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think, when you so-narrowly define what an acceptable romantic gesture to you is, you open the door for the unexpected from someone who hasn't been informed about those limits. Your husband may have been trained to act within a very narrow range of acceptable romantic behavior such that anything outside that casts him in a negative light simply because he knows better. Or should know better.

Certainly we shouldn't do things we know are going to annoy our spouse! But while people may change over time, it's unlikely that "rules" about what someone strongly dislikes are re-evaluated. So someone outside the marriage, not knowing these "rules", can make inroads.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure people are all over the map on this one. I would have appreciated more romantic gestures than I got, but if someone was cloyingly romantic to the point of seeming desperate, that would have been a turn off.
> 
> One guy I just really was crazy about was romantic but not in a physical way like that where he was giving gifts or anything like that. He was just galant and sometimes dramatic in an ancient courtly way.
> 
> I never wanted a wedding either. If I had ever done it I would have eloped. I just wouldn't want to spend money that way. I'd rather use it for the honeymoon or to buy a house or to give to an animal charity.


You can have nice cheap wedding with just a few people.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You can have nice cheap wedding with just a few people.


My girlfriends mostly just got married at their parents' home. But there's still the dress.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I guess I'm the odd woman out. I love genuine romantic gestures. The flowers, surprise getaways, couples massage, candlelit dinner at home, slow dancing in my living room, random invitations to lunch, snuggling in front of the fire... All of it. Even though I do not project as a soft and mushy romantic, I am one at heart and always have been. I don't expect it but boy does it make me happy when it happens.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

Lila said:


> I guess I'm the odd woman out. I love genuine romantic gestures. The flowers, surprise getaways, couples massage, candlelit dinner at home, slow dancing in my living room, random invitations to lunch, snuggling in front of the fire... All of it. Even though I do not project as a soft and mushy romantic, I am one at heart and always have been. I don't expect it but boy does it make me happy when it happens.


I’m the same way, but you’ll never be able to tell by the way I act.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Love flowers, cards, surprises, most romantic gestures as long as they genuinely are for me and aren't to keep up with anyone. I am mushy I guess. But private.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My girlfriends mostly just got married at their parents' home. But there's still the dress.


Again you don't have to have an expensive one.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

When thinking about this, what I recognize is that the romantic gestures only speak to me if I'm into the person.

Way back in the day (okay, way way back), I was out with a guy where mutual interest was shared. It was cold out, and he gave me his jacket to wear then proceeded to button up the front. Yes, I interpreted that as romantic (and the way he buttoned that jacket was kinda ...well, mreow). Another guy and I exchanged letters when I was overseas for a time, he was an artist and included sketches for me. I also viewed that as romantic. Another guy wanted to get our ears pierced together, as a show of digging one another. Again, romantic ...but I chickened out and am not really a multiple-piercing kinda gal. However, on the flip-side, a guy that I hung out with (at least from my perception aka I had friend-zoned him) would bring me a red rose when we'd meet up. I didn't feel the romance in this as I wasn't into him other than as a friend. Another would leave sweet notes in the mailbox inviting me to date; on paper, he was my type but I wasn't feeling it so it didn't really speak to me. Same as a guy that wrote me a couple of poems; sure, it was cute but I didn't feel the romance with him so I didn't interpret that as being romantic. You get the drift.

Batman does display romance towards me, and in ways that I like. I do love flowers, music, scented candles, couples massage, and love notes haha, and these things do speak to me with him. It's an expression of his love and he knows that I like them. And there have been more elaborate displays of romance. Like @Lila I don't expect it, but genuine expressions of romance do feel good, and because I dig him. Granted, I'm not a fan of receiving flowers at work due to the attention it causes, and as far as our wedding day, we also 'eloped'.

I view romance as a display of affection, consideration, and paying attention. Recently, I observed a woman who was preparing to surprise her husband with coffee and lunch at work. She explained to the cafe staff who her husband was as a regular customer, and said she didn't know how he had his coffee. They knew his regular order and helped. On one hand, I thought that was nice and seemed to be the first time she had done this. On the other hand, I questioned how one cannot know how your husband likes his coffee. To me, little things can matter. However, the romantic gestures only really mean something if one has the daily life stuff down together.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lila said:


> I guess I'm the odd woman out. I love genuine romantic gestures. The flowers, surprise getaways, couples massage, candlelit dinner at home, slow dancing in my living room, random invitations to lunch, snuggling in front of the fire... All of it. Even though I do not project as a soft and mushy romantic, I am one at heart and always have been. I don't expect it but boy does it make me happy when it happens.


My wife is the same, she loves all of that stuff, absolutely loves it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lila said:


> I guess I'm the odd woman out. I love genuine romantic gestures. The flowers, surprise getaways, couples massage, candlelit dinner at home, slow dancing in my living room, random invitations to lunch, snuggling in front of the fire... All of it. Even though I do not project as a soft and mushy romantic, I am one at heart and always have been. I don't expect it but boy does it make me happy when it happens.


You aren't odd or by yourself. I love romantic gestures or at least some of them. I like a live plants over flowers in a vase. But I love a good surprise every now and then. 

Ironically my husband doesn't do most of these gestures. His big romantic gesture is his acts of service which his quietly does everyday in a huge way. A surprise dinner out or massage or such would be lovely. Or taking the day off to stay home in bed with me on one of my days off.

He does occasionally surprise me with a new sex toy. Which I actually do like and find romantic.

I'm not big on weddings or anything like that. We eloped.

He'll give me anything I ask for really but getting a surprise I don't ask for or have to plan would be nice.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think that people who DO like romantic gestures might be a better spouse/easier than those of us who don't. 

I do feel badly for my husband sometimes because there really isn't anything he can buy or say to me that will produce a fantastic response. 

If I want an item, I will buy it myself. 

We do not exchange any gifts, never have. We do have wedding rings but we don't wear them anymore...mine doesn't fit me anymore and I am pretty depressed about it, but can't bring myself to spend the money to get it resized when I don't even wear jewelry in the first place. Literally. My wedding ring is the only piece of jewelry I've ever owned. I would always wear it to work and sometimes wear it to other places but more than half the time I would forget.  And at work all I could think of was wanting to get home to get it off because it felt annoying. 

Cards feel awkward. I am terrible at receiving a compliment, it makes me so uncomfortable. I hate having attention on me. Anything like getting a spa treatment/massage, a private candlelit dinner, any romantic gesture I can think of makes me feel really squeamish and uncomfortable. 

I do like going to weddings, as long as I don't have to be in them.  My H and I view it as a party with food and open bar and dancing... we both don't even think about the romance part of it. 

So in closing, I come off as extremely hard to please and while some may think "oh wow that must be so easy!" I do think it is hard in a marriage sometimes. There's pretty much nothing my husband could surprise me with (I absolutely hate surprises ) that would make me swoon. In fact I don't think I have ever experienced a "swoon" in my life. 

I've had to work really hard at making sure I am appreciative and actually thank him for things he does try to do, even when I could have done it differently or when I didn't actually like it. I've realized that even though I don't have a romantic bone in my body that doesn't mean he does not and I have to appreciate the gestures for the intent behind them. (Side note, I almost derailed part of our recent vacation planned by my H with my lovely non-romantic and obtuse personality and luckily I caught myself before I ruined the whole day!) 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I can answer for my wife as I've gotten plenty of side-eye over the years to know what works and what doesn't.

No on flowers, but yes on potted plants. She likes to take care of potted plants and likes when I put in the effort to find something new she doesn't have.

The other "typical stuff". Not really. She doesn't want it.

Basically, she wants things that I've put a lot of time and effort into. Something where I had to think and plan for awhile.

For example, I took her on a 5 day vacation 4 years ago for our 10th anniversary. It was a surprise. I planned the trip, all activities, dinners, care for the kids while we were gone. She likes surprises because she is the ultimate surprise ruiner. I told her about the trip the morning of the day we were leaving. I gave her a list of clothes to pack for specific activities we'd be doing outdoors. I will be handling the rest. We got in my car and left. She was downright giddy. We had an excellent time.

I was rewarded with mind blowing sex 4 days in a row.... and this was during a time we'd have ssx only 2-4 times a month.

I blew my "mental strength" load on this trip and raised the bar way too high for myself. Been racking my brain ever since trying to come up with another great idea surprise trip.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> There's pretty much nothing my husband could surprise me with (I absolutely hate surprises ) that would make me swoon. In fact I don't think I have ever experienced a "swoon" in my life.


Oh dear, I am prone to the swoon response with my husband. 

I have experienced him being protective and I have swooned. This scenario was shared a while ago... I was picking up my husband. We were on the phone with each other as I explained where I'd parked. A guy who was working there approached me and began giving me a hard time. I was still inside the car and asserted myself before ignoring him so he'd go away. Batman heard the whole thing and walking towards the car, called out, 'Was this the guy?' From inside the car, I turned around and nodded. He walked up to him and said, 'Hey, I don't appreciate you harassing my wife...' (or something like that) followed by a few more words. The guy backed down. While I felt relief that it didn't escalate, there was an allure to that moment. 

And then... when I was back late at the office by myself and didn't respond to his texts or phone calls, despite knowing I was staying back, he got worried and drove to the office to check I was okay. I apologized for worrying him; my phone was on silent, I thought he was elsewhere, and was just doing what I needed to do. Initially he was slightly annoyed but calmed when he knew I was fine. This kind of thing happens once in a blue moon yet I do feel like a stereotype to admit that his concern and protectiveness had me all... tingly... 

It's gotta be a personality thing around surprises. I dig surprises (both planning and receiving). His thoughtfulness around planning days or trips away or even smaller gestures does stir the romantic fluttering... or swoon response in me. I can't help it. I feel like when I share these kinds of things here that I come across as some kind of irritating stereotype. Did I mention that he deals with the big spiders? 🤭 

I'm curious though @kag123 ...what (if anything) gives you some kind of spark or loving tingle?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lila said:


> I guess I'm the odd woman out. I love genuine romantic gestures. The flowers, surprise getaways, couples massage, candlelit dinner at home, slow dancing in my living room, random invitations to lunch, snuggling in front of the fire... All of it. Even though I do not project as a soft and mushy romantic, I am one at heart and always have been. I don't expect it but boy does it make me happy when it happens.


Same here. I LOVE romance. Love it! I'm an absolute sucker for it. Bring. It. On.

I wish my husband would buy me flowers, he has a real resistance to it though - he doesn't see the value in it so he doesn't do it (aspie). On the other hand, I love the cards he gives me for my birthday, christmas etc. and I know that the cards say what he wants to but can't (aspie), and that he chose the card with those words because that's what he wants me to know.

Romance can also be other gestures though - I love it when he pushes the shopping trolley for me, or drops me at the door, and goes off to park the car and walks back in the rain/heat - that's romantic in it's own way 

No romantic gesture, no matter how big or expensive would mean squat if he treated me badly the rest of the time though.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh dear, I am prone to the swoon response with my husband.
> 
> I have experienced him being protective and I have swooned. This scenario was shared a while ago... I was picking up my husband. We were on the phone with each other as I explained where I'd parked. A guy who was working there approached me and began giving me a hard time. I was still inside the car and asserted myself before ignoring him so he'd go away. Batman heard the whole thing and walking towards the car, called out, 'Was this the guy?' From inside the car, I turned around and nodded. He walked up to him and said, 'Hey, I don't appreciate you harassing my wife...' (or something like that) followed by a few more words. The guy backed down. While I felt relief that it didn't escalate, there was an allure to that moment.
> 
> ...


There have been a few times when my H has stood up for me in a protective way. It didn't make me swoon, just thankful that he was there at that moment to help me out. I think I said thanks and then we moved on to the next thing. 

I think I might be incapable of a swoon truth be told. I can't think of anything that has ever had me feel that way? (By my H or others.) 

I guess I'm a real catch LOL! 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Trying to think if I ever observed my wife “swoon”. The best reaction I got was during proposal where you had better hope you get a good reaction.

I can say I swooned for her earlier this year when my feet were frozen and she brought me socks she heated up in the dryer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I love romance too...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> There have been a few times when my H has stood up for me in a protective way. It didn't make me swoon, just thankful that he was there at that moment to help me out. I think I said thanks and then we moved on to the next thing.
> 
> I think I might be incapable of a swoon truth be told. I can't think of anything that has ever had me feel that way? (By my H or others.)
> 
> ...


My interest is piqued; if you're open to indulging me.

Without paying too much attention to the notion of 'swooning', which I do use in a kind of light-hearted way to capture a feeling of sorts, and with acknowledgement that you don't seem to be someone that values typical romance, are there moments when you have felt some kind of 'special' consideration towards you that is received either through your husband, or someone else? (Could even be a girl friend).

Also, I know you wrote LOL alongside your comment, yet I do hope you know that you are a real catch.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I love some romance. I don't care about gifts, but I care a lot about cards and love notes. I've kept every single card or note my husband has given me since we were dating. 

My husband likes to buy me stuff. I've gotten used to him buying me clothes, jewelry, kitchen stuff, beauty stuff. That's his love language. I appreciate it, even though it's not my thing. 

I like PDA. My husband holds my hand, hugs me, touches my back, arms, legs and I love it. 

He hasn't surprised me with a getaway but we plan trips together. 

I absolutely love weddings! I don't like planning one, but I love get invited to them.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It made me sad that some can't find the joy in romantic gestures. I love them -- big & small. 

I joke that my husband is Mr. No-Manse. It's really not his thing but he tries & has learned some go to things that make me happy:

surprise kisses . . . just walking up to me & kissing me for no reason​​holding my hand when we go for walks​​getting dressed up & being my date; before Covid we took at least 1 cruise per year & he'd always pack a tuxedo. It was so nice to be squired around the ship with a guy who looked like James Bond​​sending me a random text during the say or even just a kissing emoji​​occasional flowers for no reason (one time he bought me a pearl necklace for "no reason" which made me suspicious; turned out it bought himself an expensive watch lol)​​Through Covid we dragged out the good China a few times & went dancing in the living room. He's not much of a dancer so I appreciated the effort​​sunset walks on the beach Again this is a big deal because as much as I love the beach, he hates it so it's a sacrifice to him but he makes the effort a few times per year.​
It really is about your love languages & figuring out what's going to make your partner happy. I'm more about gestures than expensive stuff. My parents used to buy me stuff to make up for the lack of emotional connection so stuff doesn't do it for me, although I appreciate the effort of a thoughtful gift. One of the things I had to communicate clearly early on in our marriage is that I like greeting cards for occasions especially birthday, anniversaries, & major holidays. It took a while for DH to learn that a $5 card was important to me but now he gets it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

So for all you woman that don't like most romantic gestures, what do you like from your husband that shows he is in love and cares about?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So for all you woman that don't like most romantic gestures, what do you like from your husband that shows he is in love and cares about?


Thinking of this, I really don't know if there is anything specific. My husband puts up with a lot from me so maybe just continuing to be there and put up with it all? 

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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Trying to think if I ever observed my wife “swoon”. The best reaction I got was during proposal where you had better hope you get a good reaction.
> 
> I can say I swooned for her earlier this year when my feet were frozen and she brought me socks she heated up in the dryer.


oh, I’ve seen my wife swoon. It’s hilariously cliche. She looks like what you would see in like an old bugs bunny cartoon. She flutters her eyes (blinking really fast) while flashing her biggest smile. If she is really into it, she also can’t control her hands and they will start flapping at her sides. It’s pretty damn cute, especially since it embarrasses the hell out of her.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So for all you woman that don't like most romantic gestures, what do you like from your husband that shows he is in love and cares about?


I get a warm sensation when he chokes me and pulls my hair.

But....I know you’ve been in my main, huge thread a little bit. You may know that a major issue I had was my husband never doing any household chores, never cooking dinner, etc. he has started doing those things more and it makes me feel listened to, loved, and appreciated. I would absolutely not want to come home and see that he’d cooked some romantic dinner and had candles on the table and that sort of thing. That would make me uncomfortable. But coming home to see he has surprised me by already starting dinner makes me “swoon” because that’s how much I hate doing it myself. I like all sorts of acts of service for sure, but just not the Hallmark movie cheesy romantic things.

I love thoughtful gifts over expensive ones. It’s cliche, but it’s not the gift itself but the thought that counts. I do love gifts, I admit it. But maybe that’s because my husband is so good at selecting things for me. He is very good at thoughtful gifts, and sometimes they are inexpensive and sometimes they are not, but he isn’t the type who would just go to a jewelry store and buy a random expensive necklace and think he was set - he puts thought into almost every gift he gives me and is very good about noticing things I’m particularly into or that could have special meaning to me. That makes me feel like he pays attention even when I think he’s not listening and he cares.

I’m very vain so I love compliments, as long as they aren’t lovey dovey mushy statements.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My husband is not a romantic guy, but he does give me cards i.e., Valentines, my birthday, anniversary, etc. (and flowers on our anniversary). He always writes something nice in the cards. I have saved each and every one from our almost 35 year marriage. I now have two boxes full. Those cards mean the world to me.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So for all you woman that don't like most romantic gestures, what do you like from your husband that shows he is in love and cares about?


While I like romantic gestures I'm more of a practical gal and don't get them very often from my husband. However I'm happy. Why? My husband shows he loves and cares about me in two powerful ways. 
1. He accepts me for who I am. Personality, body, age, what have you he accepts me. He doesn't try to change me and doesn't resent me. This is so hard for so many people but so powerful. It isn't unconditional love but it's close.

2. He does small acts of service every day. I know he cares because his actions show it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> I get a warm sensation when he chokes me and pulls my hair.
> 
> But....I know you’ve been in my main, huge thread a little bit. You may know that a major issue I had was my husband never doing any household chores, never cooking dinner, etc. he has started doing those things more and it makes me feel listened to, loved, and appreciated. I would absolutely not want to come home and see that he’d cooked some romantic dinner and had candles on the table and that sort of thing. That would make me uncomfortable. But coming home to see he has surprised me by already starting dinner makes me “swoon” because that’s how much I hate doing it myself. I like all sorts of acts of service for sure, but just not the Hallmark movie cheesy romantic things.
> 
> ...


ok, ok. What if though there wasn’t candles, mood lighting and what not. What if you came home and dinner was already made, plated and set up on the table….AND all the dishes were already done and the kitchen was cleaned up? Same level of discomfort as a candle lit dinner, or would it go the other way and you would swoon?

i need to ask my wife, but I’m pretty sure she isn’t into the whole “classic” romantic gestures. I remember the first night of our 10 year anniversary trip. We dropped off our stuff in the hotel room and started to get dressed for dinner. She couldn’t wait and ripped my clothes off. We went to dinner when finished.

I thought during dinner “boy, she is going to love the surprise when we get back to the room! I’m going for doubles tonight!”

cue the losing horn from “the price is right”. I paid for the extra romantic package where they set up the room filled with candles and sh*t. Rose pedals. Bubble bath drawn for the couples bath. Tons of extra crap. Yeah, struck out big time. I got some side eye. It happens. She promptly blew out each of the 1 million candles (seriously, it was a lot. Don’t remember how many but it surprised me), then we went to bed. Thankfully, she woke me up the next day with fun times.

lesson learned. No more cliche romantic gestures.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> ok, ok. What if though there wasn’t candles, mood lighting and what not. What if you came home and dinner was already made, plated and set up on the table….AND all the dishes were already done and the kitchen was cleaned up? Same level of discomfort as a candle lit dinner, or would it go the other way and you would swoon?
> 
> i need to ask my wife, but I’m pretty sure she isn’t into the whole “classic” romantic gestures. I remember the first night of our 10 year anniversary trip. We dropped off our stuff in the hotel room and started to get dressed for dinner. She couldn’t wait and ripped my clothes off. We went to dinner when finished.
> 
> ...


Hmm....I don’t know about having everything plated and set on the table. That might be a bit much for me hahaha.

And yeah, I am NOT into those romantic hotel packages but I can understand who some people like them and there is no problem with that. I rather get to the hotel and find out he bought us a new sex toy or something. Oh, he did buy me a new toy I’ve been wanting and it’s arriving in the mail today!!!!! Yeah, that’ll hopefully make me swoon and then some!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Im big on the romance, big ole softie when it comes to that. Wife dont like flowers, she would rather have a Home Depot gift card or her own cordless power tools


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Best gift I ever got was a cord of firewood on Valentine's Day. 😊

My mom is the same. I still make that woman cards because she hates people to waste money on gestures. So I'm sure I learned it from her.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Wife doesn't really like romantic gifts or mushy notes. 
She does like it when I pop into her work just to say hi, grab a kiss, 10 minute visit and head back out. I feel kind of man candy when I do because she works with primarily women but I get over it.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm not into the big showy romantic gestures, but private romance is all good. Flowers delivered at work? Embarrassing. A mushy card left where I'll find it? I love it. Giant wedding with all the trimmings? No thank you. Cuddling in front of a fireplace with a glass of wine, talking about our week? Yes please. Too bad neither of us has a house with a fireplace. I'm pretty picky and minimalist about jewelry, so that's a no-go, but planning a fun weekend away for me would be amazing. But BF and I have talked about our love languages, so we both have a decent idea of what the other likes. I have a high-energy dog, and sometimes my BF picks up the dog and takes him out for a hike so that I don't have to worry about exercising him, and that is super romantic to me!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't need romantic gestures, but the INTENT of whatever someone is doing matters ALOT!!!

Anything at all that shows I am special to him or that he cares about me is deeply appreciated and touches my heart, even if it's cheap or small or embarrassing or silly. In fact, some of the most meaningful gestures I've ever received were simple and free!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband was king of the grand gesture. Huge bouquets of red roses, expensive jewelry, dinners out, high-roller weekends. But, you could always tell that he was doing nothing more than checking a box when he did those things. _'Women are supposed to like red roses'_ so he'd go buy me some. _'All women love it when you buy them jewelry'_ so he'd go down to the mall and pick up something that looked expensive, and usually was. _'Women like gifts'_ so he'd grab anything handy at the last minute to check the _gifts_ box in his mind. 

The problem, of course, is that I could always tell that there was little actual thought or consideration behind his grand gestures. And he would never, ever, listen when I sat him down and told him what I wanted. '_Why bother listening to her actual preferences? She just doesn't know what she really wants.' _  

My new husband also buys me jewelry. He knows me well enough to select items that I will actually like and wear. He sends me colorful wildflower bouquets or new plants because he knows I much prefer them to roses. Every article of apparel he's ever bought me fits because he goes to the trouble to look in my closet and get my sizes. He knows I'd much rather spend my birthday in a quiet cabin in the mountains than on a flashy weekend in Vegas. He's better at romancing me because he actually pays attention. To me. Not just to whatever boxes he thinks he needs to check off for "romance" with "a woman".


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## Theborg (Apr 13, 2021)

I used to like flowers until one of my long ago boyfriends bought me huge, gorgeous arrangements. All the time. I was so impressed. Then I found out that every time he screwed around on me, I got flowers. So, no more flowers. I have pitied all the men since then who have bought me flowers only to get 20 questions in return. Poor guys.

Now, my current flame knows me well. He cuts my grass when it gets too hot, runs my weedwacker, brings over his chainsaw. Love for me is apparently power tools...lol.


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