# Please help my WIFE



## AnandForPals (Feb 26, 2013)

We are IT professionals married for 12 yrs and 2 kids. After a bit of work/life in US, back in INDIA for last 2 yrs.

After coming back, Wife got to connect with lot of social activity which was missed abroad - like college, school reunions etc.

Last August 2012, stumbled upon her Facebook chat window on her laptop which hadnt switched off.
There was an old schoolmate from 20 yrs back, currently working in Defence in the North - whose chats did ring warning bells. 

I crosschecked with my wife and she says it felt totally normal UNTIL I pointed these highlights below and now she thinks it maybe wrong. 

Yesterday she confessed he had been sending lewd text mesages, but she claims to have 'communicated in negative'. Why would she thn keep it a secret until I discovered it and dropped the bombshell? One explanation she gives is -'You have been putting me down too much , thats why' !


APRIL 2012
-----------
WIFE: u coming for 7th Apr get to gether ? SCHOOLMATE: no, my leave not enough!
WIFE: u planning <HOMETOWN> trip? SCHOOLMATE: yeah it sounds a great idea.. but the older ur get, the more complicated it gets.. my agenda is very open..dont mind coming down there..
WIFE: unleashed energy at college?.. of course, and at work too.. 
SCHOOLMATE: okay.. that makes it sound interesting.. it wud have been good to have caught up on 07th to review the changes that u have undergone..

JULY 7 [ NIght 11 until 2 AM]
------
SCHOOLMATE: Those recent snaps - beautiful girl. but nice n plump now <petname>, trust me..
fun teasing u...for me u were always intriguingly beautiful ! breaking boys code ..really? 
WIFE: not a 'poda' now .TRUST U. 
SCHOOLMATE: actually accentuates ur goodness. 
WIFE: u are such a nice friend. good to have u back. we are planning next wekend Blore party

JULY 19 [ Night 10:30 until 1:30 AM]
------------------------------------
SCHOOLMATE: intriguingly confident woman.. 
WIFE: u r making me laugh.. u r expert in complements
SCHOOLMATE: r u the sincere correct woman waiting to be woken up?

JULY 29 [offline message]
--------------------------
SCHOOLMATE: u never bore me.. actually thats an understatement... if u can sense what it means...

JULY 30 [offline message]
-------------------------
WIFE: You found play at your <WORK TOWN>? very resourceful [NOTE : The hint is at playing badminton , apparently]

AUG 5 [offline message]
-------------------------
WIFE: my friends naughty baby had twinkly eyes. guess who that reminded me of?... it was you.


==================================================
Text/SMS Summary from APRIL until AUG 2012
==================================================
SCHOOLMATE: 
Do you miss these SMS as much as I do?...
Would it been easier if I tried to woo you in School?.........
u awake? (4am) 
u can display ur Santoor complexion at freinds marriage .... 

WIFE :
making a pass on me?.......
increases ur appeal..... 



PLEASE HELP!!!!!!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You confronted, and show nothing after Aug. of last year----has there been further contact---have they gone underground---where is all of this at, as of today????

Your wife's justification, is pure crap-------hopefully you have put your foot down---and set in a boundary with ACTIONABLE consequeces----not words, but actions on your part


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Yeah, this is not good. You must lay down the law on this. "Good to have u back?" Dude/schoolmate...is going to have to be gone. Suggest moving away again? The rekindling will continue otherwise. Agree with jng...what happened since last August? "Communicated in negative"? What does that even mean? May have gone physical at the Biore party, but if not, she clearly was open to it.

More details please. What's gone on in the last six months?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AnandForPals (Feb 26, 2013)

Shamwow said:


> Yeah, this is not good. You must lay down the law on this. "Good to have u back?" Dude/schoolmate...is going to have to be gone. Suggest moving away again? The rekindling will continue otherwise. Agree with jng...what happened since last August? "Communicated in negative"? What does that even mean? May have gone physical at the Biore party, but if not, she clearly was open to it.
> 
> More details please. What's gone on in the last six months?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since I discovered it in August, I began watching her phone texts, fb chats [ had to hack a bit ], her behavior , especially protecting the phone etc. Inside I was churning like anything. Then almost after weeks , I confronted and asked her 'do you have n affair' to which she looked astonished and said, its so surprising such a question would occur.

From then on I was on an emotional roller coaster - what to do and how? Finally I asked her to accompany me to Psychologist who first revealed my suspicions to wife in our presence. She said that online classmate was not right, which she says she relised only now. and promised to cut off all contact.

A few days passed, we thought we were back to our original selves, I had really stomach churning gut feling that something was amiss, went online and found 'Emotional Affair' the closest it would relate to. I offered her opportunity to come out clean, but denial was the answer then. Then I began to drift off emotionally from her - sensing dishonesty & deception.

Since October until now its been downward spiral, nowadays we dont even touch each other, just get along like roomies , looking after kids etc.

Today evening , as shge suggested we are visiting psychiatrist again..


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Two copies of Not Just Friends, by Shirley glass.


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

If you've both emotionally checked out, it's probably best to take that final step and just separate. Living together isn't doing either of you any good at this point. Once you both don't have access to each other you and she might realize you can't stand the thought of living without the other. Living as roommates who are in emotional limbo is just damaging your relationship at this point.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

AnandForPals said:


> Since I discovered it in August, I began watching her phone texts, fb chats [ had to hack a bit ], her behavior , especially protecting the phone etc. Inside I was churning like anything. Then almost after weeks , I confronted and asked her 'do you have n affair' to which she looked astonished and said, its so surprising such a question would occur.
> 
> From then on I was on an emotional roller coaster - what to do and how? Finally I asked her to accompany me to Psychologist who first revealed my suspicions to wife in our presence. She said that online classmate was not right, which she says she relised only now. and promised to cut off all contact.
> 
> ...


Dear AnandForPals,

Your wife is in an emotional affair and, unless you stop it, she will eventually be unfaithful physically as well. Also, until you stop it, you cannot begin to fix your marriage.

There is a standard script that is recommended on TAM in cases such as this. Briefly, it requires you to tell your wife:

(1) She will tell you everything that happened between her and the OM and then, if you ask her to, take a polygraph test to prove that she's told you the whole truth (I know this last point may be inapplicable in India so you should try to think of another way to verify the truth of what she tells you).

(2) She will write the OM a letter saying that she believes their continuing to have any further contact would jeopardize her marriage and instructing him not to contact her again. She will give you the letter so that you can mail it. She will never contact him again nor respond to any communications from him, and she will tell you of any attempts on the OM's part to contact her.

(3) She will be an open book to you, letting you see all her e-mails and text messages whenever and for as long as you like. She will also stop going out with others if you are not present.

(4) She will work with you to identify what went wrong in your marriage that may have contributed to her straying (including marriage counseling if that is what you want).

These are commonly suggested steps to ensure that an inappropriate relationship is truly and finally ended so that the reconciliation process can begin. In return, you will promise her that, if she follows through on her promises, you will work on your marriage with her so that she is never again tempted to stray.

Now here is the most important point: _If she refuses to do these things, you must tell her that you will end the marriage._ You must be prepared to say this and say it like you mean it (even if you don't). Otherwise, she will not take you seriously and will likely take the affair underground.

Prepare yourself for this conversation (know exactly what you're going to say). Have it in a place and at a time where and when you both are comfortable (arrange this in advance and tell her that she needs to be prepared to have a serious conversation). When you deliver your message be firm but calm. Don't raise your voice or do anything else that would make her uncomfortable. If she gives you excuses why she shouldn't have to do some of the things you ask, don't argue with her. Simply say something like, "I told you what I want. I'm not forcing you to do anything but instead giving you a chance to work with me to fix our marriage. If you can't or won't do what I ask, I will accept that, but then I don't want to be your husband anymore because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust and who is not prepared to do the hard work necessary to have a great marriage."

This may sound extreme but, right now, your wife is cheating on you (emotionally, at least) you're getting half truths and, as a result, are in agony and your marriage is in limbo. What you need to know to move forward with your life (one way or the other) is whether your wife really wants to save her marriage, and the only way you are going to learn this is to make it clear to her that you are prepared to end it if she's not willing to give you what you need from her.

Check out some of the other stories on this site and elsewhere on the web and you will learn that, for most women, even "good" women, it is only the realization that their marriage is on the line that brings them to their senses. Also, please understand that what most women really want is for their husband to be a stand up kind of man who leads them gently but firmly while providing them with their basic needs like security, respect and affection (including lots of sex). Women are attracted most strongly to men who know what they want and go out and get it. It also means that the best way to lose her (now or sometime in the future) is to be whiny, indecisive and fearful. No women worth having wants a husband like that.

You would also benefit greatly from reading "The Married Man Sex Life Primer." It explains the kinds of behavior that woman really desire in a man (even thought they may not admit it). Obviously, there is something wrong with the way your are interacting with your wife and you need to fix this if you want to be happily married.

I hope you find this helpful and, whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you and your family.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

AnandForPals, are you OK?


----------

