# My Wife is very distant from me



## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

I love my wife very much, we had been together for 9 yrs, married for 3 yrs, and have a 5 yr old daughter together, no other children. About a year ago she decided that she was unhappy. There has been no affairs, no substance abuse, or gambling problems or domestic abuse of any kind. we are about the same age (29/30) and she feels that she is very depressed and dosnt know why. She claims that she needed space and I stayed with some family for a week, then she claimed that I needed to be at home with her and our daughter. Howeve since I have been back at home she shows me no affection at all, an ocasional hug (sorry for spelling) and a kiss if im lucky. We are however still sexually active with eachother, yet afterwards she dosent even want to sleep in the same room as me. She was seriously considering a divorce, however she told her family that she feels she would be making a huge mistake, yet she tells me that she dosnt want to be with anyone right know do to her depression. She has been spending a lot of time with her girlfriends from work, (keep in mimd we have not been getting along for a while) apparently she has been discussing her depression and marriage with HER counsler, I have resulted to seeing OUR marriger counsler on my own. Im pretty close to her family my family too, by in-laws) and according to them, she had informed them that she is'nt getting a divorce, however she wants me to think that so i realize what I could lose, she is testing me by playing HARD TO GET. Ive been playing this game for a while, yet now Im growing resentful due to the lack of affection,I love her, my freinds and family tell me to GET OUT while I can but I just cant muster up the strength to do so, Im too much in love with her, and my daughter is oblivious to what is going on between us, yet when I spend time with (see, we no longer do things as a family anymore either) I just get depressed because it feels like she should be with us, it reminds me of the times when things were right, I suddenly grow really depressed, even the most adorable things she dose reminds me of my wife and I find myself holding back tears, Im willing to do ANYTHING to save my marriage, I LOVE HER, everything I do is for the two of them from work to leisure, I feel invisible. We still live together, have relations, and go out ocassionally, she hugs me every now and then but Im lucky if a get a kiss of to work or a "how was your night when I return" I feel like leaving, moving out but I cant take the lonlieness, and I fear that not being around my do more damage then good, even though she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. Please, I need some advice from others who can relate.


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

From your post, I get the feeling that she's suffering from depression, and that she needs professional help from a doctor. There are many ways to treat depression with medications, however one has to work on themselves too. When having depression, you become another person (I know this from my own experience), and there is nothing but negativity in your head. Get her to see a doctor, or a good therapist, and ASAP. If she leaves or doesn't leave, that won't solve her problem. Good luck!


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

Thank You so much for replying. I do understand she is suffering from depression, their has been a traumatic passing of one of her very close family members within the past couple years. We had been seeing a marriage counsler, however she decided not to be present at our last session. She is consulting with her counsler, yet it seems that her counsler is advising her to distant herself from her husband (i.e. myself) and spen more time with her friends (which I have no problem with), however this counsler and I have never met, I am displeased with some of the advice she is taking yet there is nothing I can do but continue to pay for the therapy (considering it's under my healthcare) the difficult part is I want to help her in anyway through what she is going through, by her shutting me out, it is making me depressed, this depression I feel is reflected back on her (we live in a small lakeside apartment) thus making her (and myself even more uncomfortable and unhappy. I noted you commented that you can tell by personal expieriance, how can I make her feel comfortable with out emotionally suffacating her?


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

> I noted you commented that you can tell by personal expieriance, how can I make her feel comfortable with out emotionally suffacating her?


What from my own experience, I know it just helped me if my husband was there for me when I was feeling down, if he was understanding and ready to talk about my problems. But, it seems that you are already doing that. And about her counsler, I don't know why anyone would advise her to distance herself from her husband, I find that a really bad advice. Through the times I've had those problems, my husband was the one who could help me the most, because he is (and should be, I think) the closest person. I really think your wife should be seeing a doctor, and not just a counsler. He seems to be doing a bad job anyway.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

Wow... I must say I was a bit embarest @ first, that I was even on a site like this (sorry if it sounds smug) but this is some very insightful advice. *I feel like a cant go to my friends/family because they hold an bi-est opinion and discourage me with "its not gonna work, get a divorce, she's probably cheating", *when i confine with in my in-laws she becomes upset, she feels im trying to "control the situation by minipulating her side of the family" when in fact it's because I feel more comfortable seeking advice contrary to to that given from my family/ friends, however preception sounds like the key factor here. It really has taken a hard blow to my confidence. I will really take advantage of your book refereals. I do love this woman, and our daughter. I am willing to do whatever it takes, I am seeing a doctor and a theripist myself as well, yet its comforting to know im not alone, and hear positive advive from people in the simular sistuations, I have never felt so challenged in my life. This has been getting worse over the cousre of exactly one year, how can i tell if its not too late? thats what scares me the most I guess, that she wont really communicate to me what shes going through, and I cant fiure out how to respond. I will read the books, and do whatever it takes, however I really apreciate the support as well, thanks.


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

I just spent the majprity of my night (i work night shift) going through Dr. Harley's Concepts, I found that site to be very helpful, it also gave me a lot of encouragement and restored alot of hope with in our sistuation. thank you very much, I will be picking up those books as well, please feel free to forward any addtional advice, all is welcome. I know it's up to me to initiate some kind of resoalution, this my mean making a lot of sacrifices emotionally in order to get back to where we can communicate and trust eachother. No one promised it would be easy right? once again, Thanks.


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