# Thanks for trying?...



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.

My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.

Our M has always been based on honesty, but I'm not so dumb as to not know that some white lies are essential to harmony, but should I tell her the truth, and let her know that it wasn't her best? Or should I keep doing as always, and tell her it was good and thank you.

I know, for those of you who think that I'm being very wise, there are more than a few of you who think I should paint "Welcome" on my back.

I know, this shouldn't be a HUGE issue, but I always wonder if it's me being a good, sensitive H, or is it something else?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Well I'll tell you what I told my H. If he doesn't like it I want him to tell me cause I don't want to go through the trouble of making it again if he doesn't like it. Or if he has a suggestion on how it might be better. This usually gets us together in the kitchen and we help each other make dinner and can be fun especially when we give our daughter a task to include her.

But def don't tell her in a mean "man this sucks" way


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My code words are, "I enjoyed sharing dinner with you." But since she is like a gourmet chef, I tread very lightly. Over the years, since I have to follow a pretty strict diet, I've tried to reinforce that not liking one new recipe has nothing to do with her abilities in the kitchen. She's very sensitive about the cooking, but prefers pretty honest feedback.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.
> 
> My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.
> 
> ...


So 95% of the time it is good and 5% of the time it isn't and you want to focus on the negative or else you are a doormat?


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.
> 
> My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't want to fix something you didn't like twice. If you were telling me it was good 95% of the time, the other 5% percent would be viewed as important feedback to make you a different meal.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Only go there if she mentions it... otherwise you are doing all the cooking!
Bite your lip.

My wife is a great cook (so am I) she hits it 98% of the time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had my family write a list of their favorite meals. I cook those. We don't really go out much, as I cook dinner 99% of the time and it's what they like. Sometimes I go out on a limb but it's always received well. However, this isn't a restaurant. i cook, they eat. lol. If they don't like it, breakfast is at 5:30am.

If my husband only focused on the parts he didn't like, he would have to start cooking for himself.

i am not a hired chef. I'm cooking out of love for my family. It's not a 'job', it's what I like to do. If it was treated like an expectation or something I was criticized on (or felt like I was), then I wouldn't find any joy in it and I'd probably stop--- or get resentful and it wouldn't be any good anyway.

Like someone said, if 95% of the time it's good, just suck it up the other 5%....or hire someone to get it right 100% of the time.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I prefer to know when my husband doesn't like something I make. The man works hard all day and I do my best to make him happy, which includes making a meal he enjoys. Does your wife ever ask you if you liked dinner? If I ask my hubby and he doesn't like it he'll usually say "it's ok". To me its a nice way of telling me he'll eat it, but he's not a big fan of it. I won't make it again. Like you, he usually likes what I make so I don't consider it an insult like he's saying I'm a terrible cook.

You know your wife better than anyone. Is she very sensitive, where you think she may get very offended if you say anything? If she is then I'd say enjoy the 95% of meals she makes and deal with the 5% your not crazy about. I'm a firm believer of pick your battles. Personally, I prefer to know. Just don't be a douche about it. She'll get the hint with a simple "it was ok".

And if you choose not to say anything, it doesn't make you a doormat. LOL That's silly thinking. Nothing wrong with being considerate to your wife on issues that aren't that big a deal to you. Good luck!

ETA: I get a very enthusiastic "that was fantastic!" when he loves a dish I make so it all balances out. He'll often request that I make a particular meal that he loves.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.
> 
> My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.
> 
> ...


Tell her that you love her cooking but that the recipe is not a keeper. My wife prepares restaurant quality food, but I let her know when a meal is not my favorite. You owe it to her, and yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I usually do tell her if the meal/recipe was no good, but I never tell her that she f-ed it up. I always thank her for the effort and the trouble of cooking it.

We both do the cooking, 50-50, and there have been times when I f-ed up royally, but she never held it over my head.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I usually do tell her if the meal/recipe was no good, but I never tell her that she f-ed it up. I always thank her for the effort and the trouble of cooking it.
> 
> We both do the cooking, 50-50, and there have been times when I f-ed up royally, but she never held it over my head.


Ok, you lost me here.

Are you saying that because you're letting your wife know you didn't like dinner, but you're not telling her it's all her fault dinner was ruined, you think you're a doormat?

No, you are being a loving, considerate husband. Nothing more to read into. You are being honest with her. You're just doing it with tact.

Correct me if I misunderstood your 2nd post, but I don't get that there's any problem.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Personally, I would want to know the truth. I've always loved to cook and I plan on going to culinary school once I'm divorced so I always welcome constructive criticism.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.
> 
> My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.
> 
> ...


My husband is a very sweet man who does not like to hurt my feelings. I am a mediocre cook at best. I'd say around my house it's 80% pretty good to great meals and 20% meals that are somewhere between better-than-starving and I'd-rather-go-hungry. H likes to eat at home though, so I do my best. Like one of the other posters, though, I don't want to go to the trouble of making something again that he doesn't enjoy and he knows that. So if he really enjoys a meal he makes sure he lets me know with lots of thank you's and compliments. And if he doesn't he still thanks me for putting in the effort to make dinner, and then very kindly lets me know with the worst critisizm he really ever uses with me, he'll say "it wasn't my favorite". That way I know I don't need to bother with that recipe again. 
I think your wife would appreciate your honesty as long as you word it in a way that isn't hurtful or rude.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I was totally spoilt with food. Home cooked from fresh ingredients for over 30 years. In the really early days of our marriage I made what I thought was a little joke about the spaghetti bolognaise. Next thing I knew I had the plate thrown at me, all down my suit and splashed over the wall and radiator behind.

My dad complained about his food so I had a golden rule “Never complain”. I broke it a handful of times and I was wrong in that. But there’s no food I don’t enjoy, I can’t think of anything I don’t eat.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

The only time I can remember my hubby sticking his foot in his mouth about my cooking was years ago, and it wasn't even because he didn't like what I made, he was just being a wise a*s.

It was the one and only time he told me it wasn't the way his mother makes it. I told him well that's the way your wife makes it. If you want it the way your mother makes it, you know where she lives. LOL


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would call myself a moderately good cook. It's not something I really enjoy doing, and with us both working it becomes something of a hassle at times. I have, however, become the 'queen' of the slow cooker.

I like that you always express words of appreciation to your wife. That is great. My H does that too.

But things that he especially likes he will tend to give a great compliment on - "Thanks honey. That stew was utterly fantastic tonight! I look forward to eating that again.", and things that I figure he didn't like as much will just get "Thanks for cooking baby!" and nothing else. 

I was finally able to pick up on the ones that were less than tasty based upon that and I was able to weed those out of my repertoire.

We also discuss the weekly menu together because our schedules can be busy, and we split shopping duties often. Things he likes he will mention during those talks - 'How about if we have x this week?" or I will ask him what he would like the following week.

I don't know if those ideas will work for you, but that's what has worked for us.

Oh, and if only 5% isn't as good, then I would consider just sucking it up - eating it when it occasionally crosses your plate (or not eating it if it's not palatable - my H also will do that - he'll eat a lot less if it's not so great), but just continue thanking her and quit worrying about it. Having a 95% success rate is great. I'm a lot lower than that when it comes to cooking. 

Best wishes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If shes good 95% of the time you should be embarrassed even ask this silly question. who in the right frame of mind would argue when you have a 95% sucess rate.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i would say please tell me if it wasnt good, or if i could have put a little salt in it.

my husband told me recently that a certain meal i had made wasnt too good...and had a laugh thinking about it. i asked him if he ate it, he said yea..so i laughed and said well you are still alive.

that was the end of it. i didnt make it bad to me cruel, but kids were actin up, so i wasnt paying attention it the dinner. we laughed more and moved on.

i always want honesty. always..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't any guys around here cook???

I love to cook, but we do it together. We talk about what we cook and whether we want to make it again another time or not, as we eat it usually. hubby is pretty picky, and for the first few years I did all the cooking and he did all the cleaning up after, but the way we do it now is much better. We also plan our meals a month at a time together.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

square1 said:


> Well I'll tell you what I told my H. If he doesn't like it I want him to tell me cause I don't want to go through the trouble of making it again if he doesn't like it. Or if he has a suggestion on how it might be better. This usually gets us together in the kitchen and we help each other make dinner and can be fun especially when we give our daughter a task to include her.
> 
> But def don't tell her in a mean "man this sucks" way


:iagree:

If she thinks you like it she will make it again..


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

square1 said:


> Well I'll tell you what I told my H. If he doesn't like it I want him to tell me cause I don't want to go through the trouble of making it again if he doesn't like it. Or if he has a suggestion on how it might be better. This usually gets us together in the kitchen and we help each other make dinner and can be fun especially when we give our daughter a task to include her.
> 
> But def don't tell her in a mean "man this sucks" way


:iagree:

If she thinks you like it she will make it again.. 

I would want my H to tell me if he didn't like something I made.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Kinda weird-this is the Men's Clubhouse, but very few men responded.

My main concern is that I'm laying on the compliments a little too thick, i.e., being too much of a nice guy...

...????????????????


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

F-102 said:


> My main concern is that I'm laying on the compliments a little too thick, i.e., being too much of a nice guy...
> 
> ...????????????????



If you compliment when it's deserved, you're being nice.

If you compliment when it's unearned or not deserved, you're being a "nice guy."

That said, be generous with the compliments when the meals are awesome. Thank her for cooking when the food is so-so.

Side note: my son and I went on a mission trip into the remote mountain areas in Nepal a couple of years ago. It was the two of us, a Nepali mission employee, and a Nepali guide. Since we were doing basically first-contact work, we did our best to learn and follow their customs.

In Nepal (and India, I believe), you should only thank someone if they've gone way above and beyond the norm. For example, if you thank a server for bringing your food, they'd think you'd lost your mind - they're being paid, and payment is thanks enough. Only if they give extraordinary service would any thanks be understood or even appreciated.

In a relationship, when we pour on praise when this praise isn't really warranted, it's seen as thin and quickly loses all meaning. THIS is when your praise leads to you being a doormat.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

F-102 said:


> I thought that TMC would be best for this, and later I may ask the Ladies' opinions, but this is something I wonder about.
> 
> My W is a good cook, but not he greatest, and even though she does a great job with dinner 95% of the time, you can't win 'em all, but I always thank her and tell her it was good anyway.
> 
> ...


Ok, this ALL depends on the woman...her sensitivity and her sense of humor. 

I personally would be UPSET if my husband was continously complimentary and he didn't mean it. 1st of all , I would catch on cause more than 5% of my meals are a bomb! 


Thankfully, he has no problem telling me when my Chicken is too DRY, my wedding soup doesn't have enough Greens, when I try to cook healthy, it tastes like cardboard, my eggs are too crispy, if I burn something, tonight simple hot dogs, he lets me know I got carried away. (I like them that way) 

Granted, when I really put my heart into it , I can cook GOOD and he always compliments me -and very favorably as do my kids (and I know he means it !) and when I get a little careless , which I clearly do, he lets me know that too!! I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I don't get bent out of shape, I just agree with him, then the kids jump in & insult it a little more. And we make jokes about getting it down, the husband will say.... "I eat anything".


I came home about a month ago, told my husband I had a good meal for him, he answers real quick "Oh did you get it somewhere?" - he didn't mean how it sounded , he knew I went to a friends house that gives me food to bring home sometimes, The kids just started :rofl: & :rofl: I just kinda put my hands on my hip and laughed with them, telling them "Listen baby, it was all from my hand tonight, eat your heart out" or something to that effect. I can't remember now.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

F-102 said:


> Kinda weird-this is the Men's Clubhouse, but very few men responded.
> 
> My main concern is that I'm laying on the compliments a little too thick, i.e., being too much of a nice guy...
> 
> ...????????????????


Expressing your appreciation for her efforts is seldom a bad thing. It's an acknowledgment that she took the time to prepare a meal for you.

Expressing that something was outstanding and delicious ... when it wasn't, is something else.

You can say, "Thank you," and choose not to follow up with "That was delicious."


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I thank her, but after the meal is over-if it's good, I'll go nuts for it during the meal.

We talked about this tonight, BTW, and she understands completely-in fact, if I don't thank her, she knows something's on my mind.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband just thanks me. lol. Never compliments and I don't expect any. I cook because I am feeding my family. He cooks on Tuesdays because other days he's home at 8pm. 

He always cleans his plate though. I know if it's like or not by if he has seconds.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

F-102 said:


> I thank her, but after the meal is over-if it's good, I'll go nuts for it during the meal.
> 
> We talked about this tonight, BTW, and she understands completely-in fact, if I don't thank her, she knows something's on my mind.


 That is alot of "thanking" going on!! Really ....Every single meal, you say a thank you? I must say, the "thank you's" are not in that kind of abundance at my house, but seriously ....I think that makes them just a little bit more meaningful & carry more weight - when they are expressed, even if it might only be 4 times a month, or so (never really thought about this before in my life), or If go out of my way & make something very special for one of the kids. 

My oldest likes from scratch-squeezed lemons - Lemon Meringue Pie, If he would open the fridge & find this, I will get comments like "Oh My God, you made me pie !" with a ball of enthusiam that shakes the house, Ha ha - that is my thank you. It is sweet. Then all the kids come running and the pie is gone in the next 10 minutes. 

Your dinner time life sounds very "proper" , almost "expected", like you have started this ritual , and now if it is not given, there is this automatic question of "what is wrong".

I think more along the lines of this message here said by OOE >>


> In Nepal (and India, I believe), you should only thank someone if they've gone way above and beyond the norm. For example, if you thank a server for bringing your food, they'd think you'd lost your mind - they're being paid, and payment is thanks enough. Only if they give extraordinary service would any thanks be understood or even appreciated.
> 
> In a relationship, when we pour on praise when this praise isn't really warranted, it's seen as thin and quickly loses all meaning. THIS is when your praise leads to you being a doormat


I would just find it a little odd to be thanked every single day. I likely get more thanks on Thanksgiving by the relatives than I do in half a year from my family, but this suits me just fine! I am happy!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband is very honest with me. 

If the food isn't to his taste, he doesn't eat it. He tells me he is sorry but he won't eat it. This doesn't happen often, two or three times a year.

I don't get offended. His honesty helps me improve my cooking skill and pay more attention to what he likes and he doesn't like. 

I think the problem is if you don't tell her, she thinks that you like it and then she will cook the same thing again next time. You suffer.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In reading these replies, mostly from women, be thankful that your wife doesn't equate her cooking with her own self-esteem. My kids and I learned early that compliments can mean a difference between smiles and brass knuckles. Its a fine line when you don't believe in complimenting the taste of something you don't like.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This morning, I handed my husband his eggs & he says "what happened to them?" , I just started :rofl: , immediately thinking of this thread! We have this very old iron pan -as old as our marriage , I didn't put enough butter on it and well the eggs got a little broken up, it happens from time to time. No biggie. 

Kids all fighting over the last 2 bagels, daughter near dictating who and how they will be shared, 10 yr son starts crying, this boy is way too sensitive -over a bagel! 4 yr old says "if you come near me, I will FIRE you" keeping his precious bagel safe from the siblings , I hear dad say " Does Donald Trump live here?".

Typical breakfast at our house.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This morning, I handed my husband his eggs & he says "what happened to them?" , I just started :rofl: , immediately thinking of this thread! We have this very old iron pan -as old as our marriage , I didn't put enough butter on it and well the eggs got a little broken up, it happens from time to time. No biggie.
> 
> Kids all fighting over the last 2 bagels, daughter near dictating who and how they will be shared, 10 yr son starts crying, this boy is way too sensitive -over a bagel! 4 yr old says "if you come near me, I will FIRE you" keeping his precious bagel safe from the siblings , I hear dad say " Does Donald Trump live here?".
> 
> Typical breakfast at our house.


Very impressive four year old! I eat oatmeal, although I despise it, so no risk of anyone stealing it. But our youngest, our son, is almost 18, so the kitchen is full, not to mention that my wife and I pack lunches. My daughter has to have these perfect little eggs made in a tiny, red skillet with a matching tiny spatula, while my son argues about space in the toaster for his bagels. As sandwiches are being made for lunch, my wife yells at me, "If you dare put that spoon with the tuna on it in my egg salad, you will limp to work." She has this patented fist motion that makes everyone laugh. Except me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Halien said:


> be thankful that your wife doesn't equate her cooking with her own self-esteem.


 I can see how this could happen in some situations - like maybe MOM's cooking was raved about too much in the wife's presence. Here is how it played down for us. Although my husband won't outright say this but I KNOW, and he knows I am a better Cook than his mom ever was. And well, this is half the battle I think when you get married !

His Mom's pie crust was so darn thick, I couldn't eat it, when I went to their house when dating, although this is a bit rude, I would only eat the meatballs if I knew his AUNT made them -she made them for much of the family -and his MOM always  used Ragu - YUCK - I cook my Sauce for HOURS - I despise canned sauce ! His dad's side of the family were fabuous fabulous Italian cooks. What I would do is gather recipies off anyone I loved their food. 

His Mom had a few things, it was not all bad. So I guess the confidence was there early on- becaues of this fact alone. My husband was getting FROM Scratch meals he was not really used too, at home anyhow - who wouldn't want that. 

Competeing with a master chef mom would probably be alot of pressure on some women!! 

But then.... we learn my husband has High Cholesterol (me too!) and that put a fork in some of my ingredients, I also started worrying about Diabetes as... on his Dads side--some of his siblings got Type 2 as they aged. Sometimes his #'s were Pre-diebetic , I got a tester & everything, was worrying myself sick. 

His last A1C was 5.8 -that is itching up there! There I go on another Worrying spree-which makes me GROUCHY, start cooking from Diebetic Cook books, this is when he tells me the food was like cardboard, etc. And you know what, I don't care ! HIS HEALTH and my sanity was worth more than any darn compliments. The man only weighs 150 lbs, it bothers me he has these things hanging over his head. He is already lower test, then Statins & Metaforin will rob more of that, so I have a dilemma on my hands, how do I keep this already THIN MAN healthy !! 

So yeah some of my good cooking, down the drain. But I know I have it in me, so I do not at all tie my self esteem to it . Health to me, is the most valuable thing we have on this good green earth, when it goes, some of our life goes with it, or so I see it that way. 

It sucks that everything that tastes GOOD is unhealthy for us and everything that tastes bad, generally is GOOD for us...now I know that is not always true, but you know what I mean!


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Competeing with a master chef mom would probably be alot of pressure on some women!!


Everybody Loves Raymond instantly popped into my head. The MIL from hell.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can see how this could happen in some situations - like maybe MOM's cooking was raved about too much in the wife's presence. Here is how it played down for us. Although my husband won't outright say this but I KNOW, and he knows I am a better Cook than his mom ever was. And well, this is half the battle I think when you get married !!


Ours is a pretty non-typical situation. My mom's cooking is legendary. Seriously, we've called the fire department half a dozen times over the years, when she attempted to cook something other than Hamburger Helper. My wife's mother was a great cook, though. Her aunt wrote a very popular cookbbook years ago. Her other aunt has a last name that appears in almost every grocery store in America on certain products. Then I have this wierd muscle disease from a partial mutation where almost anything with high fat content can lead to muscle paralysis if I don't keep it in moderation. It makes me a little obsessive about staying in shape. I am incredibly thankful for my wife's efforts, but its just not easy for her to compete with the rest of her family.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> In reading these replies, mostly from women, be thankful that your wife doesn't equate her cooking with her own self-esteem.


Yah!

Since I've never particularly enjoyed cooking and know that I'm mediocre/moderate at best, I KNOW the times where my creations have been a total miss and will likely bring it up myself, so if my self-esteem was based upon my cooking abilities it would be in the dumper. 

For me, it's more my H expressing appreciation that I cared enough to take the time to try (rather than expressing appreciating the results of what I cooked) - because I am usually very busy and I do not really like to cook. He does help out when he can, but he gets home from work so much later than I so that makes it difficult if we want to eat 'food from scratch'.

So, as a husband, even if you can't honestly express appreciation for the results of your wife's efforts, you can still always express appreciation for her taking the time to try. My H will come up behind me, give me a quick kiss on the neck and squeeze around the waist, and say "Thanks for dinner baby." almost every time. That has not gotten old yet after all these many years and no false compliments were required.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I do all the cooking in this house. I only work part time now in a friends restaurant, but I used to own a restaurant (before we decided semi retirement was an option for me) anyhoo...I have my red seal chef certificate, so YES I can cook. My husband and my kids have always been honest though. My husband has never said he didnt like anything and has always cleared his plate and thanked me for making dinner, however he has on occassion told me that a meal was just not his "cuppa tea"

I am ok with that . I would rather know. apparently my husband has NO sense of adventure, so when I make something with an ingredient that he is not familiar with,, he either likes it or hates it.

anyway. If your wife hits it on the spot 95% of time,, tell her about the other five..it is not her cooking technique. It is just not high on your list of repeats.

Lynn


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