# Update and Thanks



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

I just wanted to write an update to my post (I want it more than him). And, thanks to all of you who took the time to respond. I thought a lot about what all of you said and it helped a lot. When you can get the point of view of someone who isn't involved, it really helps. 

So, I talked my husband yesterday morning for 2 hours. I told him every thing I'd been feeling and asked him a lot of questions and I told him I wanted answers.

A lot of people suggested that he may be cheating and that I should snoop. I've never snooped, because I've never had a reason not to trust him. I decided to the other night just to reassure myself, and I found nothing. I went through his computer, his phone and there was nothing out of the ordinary. 

I even straight up asked him and he said he couldn't believe I was worried about that.

So, he told me a few things as to why he wasn't initiating sex as much as before and why he would often turn me down.

One was that he thought I wasn't satisfied. I couldn't understand how he thought this because he is really good in bed, and that is one reason I want it all the time! He said because I wanted it more and was pursuing him more he felt like he couldn't keep me satisfied and it made him feel pressured.

He also said that he's known for a while my desire of having a baby before I even seriously talked to him about it. He thought I was trying to get pregnant.

That really hurt my feelings when he said that, because I felt like he wasn't trusting of me. He knows how I feel about that. I have a friend who "accidentally" got pg after her husband had said he didn't want more kids, and it ruined their marriage. They are getting divorced.

He said he has been worried about me getting pregnant, even though he is very careful. I asked him if he felt this strongly about it why he didn't get a vasectomy years ago, and he said that he wishes he had.

I told him how I felt like he's been very distant with me, and he said he didn't do it to hurt me, but he's just felt sad also for the last year especially. 

For the first time ever, he actually said to me that he's sorry I've been hurting so much over it. He said he has too, but he said he knows how hard it is for me. 

This made me feel a lot better because for all this time I've felt like he didn't care what I wanted and it was just so easy for him to say no.

He definitely agrees we need to talk more. He said he doesn't know why he has a hard time just sitting me down and telling me things that he's thinking about. He said it's partly because he doesn't want me to get upset and cry or be mad, but I told him I'm always much worse when he tries to pretend nothing is wrong. 

One thing I asked him was if he still wanted to be with me, and he said, "Yes, as much as I always have. I will always love you."

He told me that I used to give him more non-sexual affection, and he missed that. I was shocked at that, because I didn't realize I hadn't been. When thinking about it, I do mostly come up to him and kiss him or give him the I want sex look when I hug him. He said that it makes him feel like all he's good for is sex and that's all I need him for. I told him that isn't how I feel at all, that one of the reasons I want him so much is because he is a good person in so many other ways. It's also one of the reasons I want another baby, because I see how good he is with our kids. 

So, I am definitely going to remember to focus more on just giving him a hug during the day and stuff like that.

He told me that he feels I do too much. I had no idea he felt that way either. He said that I need to relax more, and that I don't always have to cook breakfast the mornings he's here and that he's fine just eating cereal or something. Apparently I seem stressed and it makes him feel tense too.

He told me at times he's felt like I wanted to leave him for someone else because he won't give me another baby.  I have never said that, and I wouldn't do that. I feel awful that he's felt that way.

The other issue I've had is him not wanting to try new things and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do something new. He said it's nothing to do with me, he's just a simple person and he likes what he likes, and he doesn't like change. He said he would work on that and try to be more open to things. 

It's hard that we don't get to spend much time alone together and I told him how I wanted to do more together. His work schedule will be changing so that some days he will be here part of the day while the kids are in school, so maybe we'll be able to do some things alone then.

He told me that his reasons for not wanting another baby had nothing to do with trying to keep me from having something I want, but he just doesn't want one. He said that he doesn't want to do the baby stage over again, that he worries that with another baby if something happened to him I'd be alone with more kids to take care of and that he likes where we are now being able to take them places and do things together that we couldn't do if there was another baby.

I totally understand his reasons, and I've thought of these things myself. I told him that the rational part of my brain knows how he feels and how it would change things to have another kid, but I desire it all the same.

He said he's tired of us being angry at each other about it and he thinks I bring it up just to start a fight. That isn't true though. Normally what happens is I'll say something like, "Oh, look how cute that little baby is" and then just looks at me all pissed off, so then I get pissed off feeling I am not even allowed to feel what I feel. It's not a planned thing I bring up, it's just me always hoping that maybe he's thought about it more and will reconsider. It's like I can't give up hope of having a baby, even though I know I won't.

He said he's going to get a vasectomy, that there is a place he knows of that a friend went to. So, I guess it is settled. He won't have to worry that I might get pregnant, and I won't worry about it happening and him blaming me and resenting me.

It's just hard for me to accept. I can't just stop feeling how I feel, and I don't know how to get over it. He seems to think it'll just go away, but I don't know how long it will take, or if I'll ever completely get over it.

So, I feel a lot better overall about things. I'm still sad though and hate that I feel this way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for the update. Sounds like it went well. It's amazing what communication can do. Just keep it up.. don't let things fester for so long. (I know its all too easy to do.)

What is your age? Women do often get that overpowering urge to have a child. I remember it all too well. It does pass with time. 

This might seem odd.. but could you get something to mother, like a small dog? Or could you do foster care for infants? Something like that might help to ease the desire.


----------



## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks for the update. Sounds like it went well. It's amazing what communication can do. Just keep it up.. don't let things fester for so long. (I know its all too easy to do.)
> 
> What is your age? Women do often get that overpowering urge to have a child. I remember it all too well. It does pass with time.
> 
> This might seem odd.. but could you get something to mother, like a small dog? Or could you do foster care for infants? Something like that might help to ease the desire.


I am 34 (well, my bday is soon and I'll be 34 then). 

We have cats and not a fenced in yard, so we probably wouldn't get a dog. We had a dog for years, and it's not something I want to deal with right now. It's just a hassle because we have no one to watch it if we want to go somewhere.

I have babysat off and on and I am around my friends' kids and it just makes me want another baby even more. A couple years ago I watched my friends newborn while she went back to work, and I did this for several months until they found daycare. It's just not the same. I liked being pregnant, giving birth and taking care of my kids. Being a mom has always been really important to me. 

I have never had him tell me so much all in one sitting like that. I am hoping he'll continue to do that, and I am glad I finally got him to open up.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonder if there are things written about how to deal with this. I'll bet an internet search would have some good ideas.

I think its largely hormonal. As women approach the end of their reproductive life it urge to have children gets stronger.


----------

