# Taking Back Maiden Name



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

As part of my divorce I have asked that I be given back my maiden name. After 24 years of marriage, my students and grandchildren who all know me with a different last name I am questioning if this is the right thing to do. Any insight from those who have taken their maiden name back?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I took mine back after 45 years of marriage. It was totally worth it despite the pain it was to get it all straightened out. And it was an adjustment for my son and grandchildren but I was determined I wanted the name back that I was born with.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I can't imagine keeping the last name of someone that I divorced. If I was a woman and got divorced I would absolutely go back to my maiden name.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I took mine back after 45 years of marriage. It was totally worth it despite the pain it was to get it all straightened out. And it was an adjustment for my son and grandchildren but I was determined I wanted the name back that I was born with.


This is very sad to me. Forty-five years is a very long time. Some people are just not marriage material. I'm not sure many husbands understand what an incredible honor it is when their brides take their last name. In many cultures, when the bride takes her husband's last name, she comes under his family umbrella. His job then is to love, protect, and provide for her, while she helps him carry on his family tree. Nowadays, some women won't take their husbands last name for career reasons, or they just flat out don't want to.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You don't "ask" nor are you "given back" you maiden name. The choice is yours alone. And no permission needed. 

Just remember this. YOU define your name, not him. It can be the same last name as him or not. You are removing him from your life, not removing you. Keeping the name is ok. If neither honors him nor dishonors you.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Why do you need to ask?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I took mine back after 45 years of marriage. It was totally worth it despite the pain it was to get it all straightened out. And it was an adjustment for my son and grandchildren but I was determined I wanted the name back that I was born with.


That's how I feel. It might be strange for my family and I have every legal document in my married name so i can see that taking a bit to get sorted out.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> Why do you need to ask?


I was just wondering if people who had been thru this with family had any negative experiences.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The "merry widow" at work in our department has buried two husbands and is in the third one in 15 years. She seems to have the system down to a science . If you know exactly what documents, cards, accounts, etc to change its not difficult as everything is really social security number or work id based.

Relatives and friends, they didn't see you any different regardless. You are who you are. If not, their problem.

Women taking husbands name is yet another custom we skipped.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex changed back. Taking someone's name is a silly idea, anyway, IMO, so I was glad she did. But she took her new husband's name when she remarried - oh well. My second wife kept her name - it's part of her identity, and it's also a huge pain (and cost!) to change IDs and documents. It does confuse some people, though, but provides us a source of amusement.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> That's how I feel. It might be strange for my family and I have every legal document in my married name so i can see that taking a bit to get sorted out.


It was much more difficult to change back a few years ago than when I originally changed over almost fifty years ago but it was absolutely worth it. 

When I got married in 1967, no female I knew kept her maiden name. That just wasn't done in my very conservative Southern world with its strong emphasis on "proper" behavior. But even that world has changed. I told my granddaughter recently that I hoped she would always keep her maiden name. She looked at me like I was crazy and said ""Why would you ever think I would give up who I am?" I smiled.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, taking your husband's name is way too patriarchal. It's much better to keep your father's name!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I was just wondering if people who had been thru this with family had any negative experiences.



You misunderstood. Why are you even asking for this in the divorce? Is it law? 
Never heard of anyone asking for the name as part of a divorce. Do you mean you want your ex to agree?

[QUOTE*]As part of my divorce I have asked that I be given back my maiden name.*[/QUOTE]

As for the experience, I had kept my maiden name as my middle name so just dropped off my surname. Even after 6 years there are still some things in my married name but I really don't care eg passport which I will redo when it gets renewed in a few years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tech-novelist said:


> Yes, taking your husband's name is way too patriarchal. It's much better to keep your father's name!


You mean just like you use your father's name?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I say come up with a new one. Make it funny, like Sugarteets.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Or Snodgrass









Apologies to all those named Snodgrass but it really is a stupid surname.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> You misunderstood. Why are you even asking for this in the divorce? Is it law?
> Never heard of anyone asking for the name as part of a divorce. Do you mean you want your ex to agree?
> 
> 
> ...


It's fairly normal in a divorce to have a stipulation that states that the wife is changing her name to her maiden name.

It's not asking permission. It's stating that her name will change back.

Legally, if a woman does not do this in the divorce papers, but she still will be using her maiden name after the divorce she will need to go through the court for a legal name change. It's cheaper and easier to just do it in the divorce papers.


I too used firstName maidenName husbandsLastName. But to remove my husband's last name I had to do it in a court document.

As I recall, after my divorce I changed my name on my social security. They asked for the legal document that changed my name from my married name back to my maiden name. So I gave them a copy of my divorce papers that included the name change.

One of my sisters got a passport a couple of years ago. She too had to show the documents showing her name changes from maiden name, to married name of husband 1, to back to married name, to married name of husband 2, then back to maiden name and then to married name of husband 3. They wanted the legal documents for all the name changes.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Herschel said:


> I say come up with a new one. Make it funny, like Sugarteets.


In Sweden they sometimes combine last names which requires some digging to send email


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Or Snodgrass
> 
> 
> 
> Apologies to all those named Snodgrass but it really is a stupid surname.


Like a lot of names in the USA, the idiots working at Ellis Island misspelled the name.

The family name Snodgrass is said to originate from lands in the parish of Irvine, Ayrshire, Scotland, known as Snodgrasse, or Snodgers, at a bend in the River Garnock at 55°38' north, 4°42' west, which were rented out in plots. Both forms are recorded in Ayrshire and in Glasgow between the 13th and 16th centuries. The name means "smooth grassy place" in Scottish Gaelic.[citation needed] In 1528 a charter from the King lists the lands of "Snotgerss" as being one of the confirmed possessions of Hugh, third Earl of Eglinton;[1] the next record seen of the name is in the late 17th century.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Well that just sounds backward EG. All we need here to change any document is a copy of the divorce certificate. How demeaning to have to ask for your name to revert to your maiden name.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

tech-novelist said:


> Yes, taking your husband's name is way too patriarchal. It's much better to keep your father's name!


It might be your father's name or maybe your mother's name or possibly an entirely new name your parents took. But it would be your birth name and the name you grew up with. So, yes, some females do consider that important.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Well that just sounds backward EG. All we need here to change any document is a copy of the divorce certificate. How demeaning to have to ask for your name to revert to your maiden name.


I don't think that it's demeaning at all.

When we marry we do not automatically get our husband's last name. The name that we put on the marriage certificate is the name that we use after marriage.

When I got married I put down "firstName maidenName husbandsName" and signed it that way. It's an official name change.

Many married women keep their married name after a divorce. Often women with children want to keep the same last name that their children have. 

Basically a woman has the choice to either continue to use her married name after divorce, return to her married name, or make a any new name she wants. If she does keep her married name she just says nothing in the divorce. Putting the name change in the divorce document is a way of notifying people of your intent.

ETA: The name on a person's ID, passport, etc is important. I'm a notary public. There have been times when people go to sign a document and it turns out that the name on their ID does not match other legal documents. The person has to be able to prove that they are the person who is signing the document (maybe taking out a mortgage, signing a settlement agreement, signing adoption papers). So the provable paper trail of name changes is very important.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I still think it is demeaning EG. Much prefer the system here where all we need to change a name is the divorce cert.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> I still think it is demeaning EG. Much prefer the system here where all we need to change a name is the divorce cert.


So what happens if a woman wants to keep her married name? Is she forced to go back to her maiden name if she divorces?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> So what happens if a woman wants to keep her married name? Is she forced to go back to her maiden name if she divorces?


No she can do whatever she chooses to do and in her time frame. I would guess some women don't know if they do or don't want to change their name straight away, better to be able to do this in your own time frame and without having to ask. Divorce is hard enough without having to ask to change your name.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> No she can do whatever she chooses to do and in her time frame. I would guess some women don't know if they do or don't want to change their name straight away, better to be able to do this in your own time frame and without having to ask. Divorce is hard enough without having to ask to change your name.


You keep saying 'ask to change your name'.

There is no asking. It's making the statement of what you intend to do. Asking would assume that the judge could deny the name change.

If a woman does not state in the divorce that she wants to go back to her maiden name and later decides to do it, she can at a later date. We can do this on our own time frame. We can even go back to our married name if we want.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

It was the OP that used the term "ask"


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You keep saying 'ask to change your name'.
> 
> There is no asking. It's making the statement of what you intend to do. Asking would assume that the judge could deny the name change.
> 
> *If a woman does not state in the divorce that she wants to go back to her maiden name and later decides to do it, she can at a later date. We can do this on our own time frame. *We can even go back to our married name if we want.


If she does choose to go back to her MN at a later time does she have to go to court?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have been married THREE times, so I have had a total of four names! My last marriage lasted less than a year, and I was going to keep that name at first, but I found that that name actually made me feel sick after what he did to me. So I went back to the name I was using before that marriage...so went back to my second married name! LOL! I had this name for so many years, and its a good name, and I just felt like this is who I am. Super annoying though to go through this so many times!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> It was the OP that used the term "ask"


I think AVR probably said "ask" in the sense that it has to be specified in the divorce documents you want your name back. If you don't have it taken care of during the divorce then later you'll have to petition the court -- and pay to get your name back. The lawyer I consulted said to make sure I did it as part of the divorce unless I wanted to deal with the court again later -- which I didn't want. 

I like your way better.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I
> Many married women keep their married name after a divorce. Often women with children want to keep the same last name that their children have.


This is why i'm still on the fence about changing my name in my divorce. Different name than the kids : / 
Ugh. I go back and forth.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> If she does choose to go back to her MN at a later time does she have to go to court?


I don't know if it has to go to a judge, necessarily, but it does need to be filed with the courts. If she gets it done during the divorce proceedings, it costs nothing extra. If she petitions later, it can cost a few hundred dollars. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> This is why i'm still on the fence about changing my name in my divorce. Different name than the kids : /
> Ugh. I go back and forth.


My sister opted to keep her ex-husband's last name in the divorce because they have children who have his last name. She did remarry, however, and took her new husband's name. If I were ever to divorce, I would keep my husband's name for that same reason. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> If she does choose to go back to her MN at a later time does she have to go to court?


Here is a site that explains what has to be done in the state where I live.

New Mexico Name Change Requirements

Basically you fill out a forum, file it at the court house and drop it off with a judge's clerk. The judge will then sign it and you go pick it up once signed. If the judge has any problem with the name change, the clerk will set up a court date. Usually the judge would have no problem with a woman going back to her MN.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You mean just like you use your father's name?


Exactly!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> This is why i'm still on the fence about changing my name in my divorce. Different name than the kids : /
> Ugh. I go back and forth.


When we got married my wife wanted to keep her name. She was still and German citizen and figured she needed to inform the Embassy (the German's love paper work). She asked if she could keep her name expecting a hassle. No that was fine, except the staffer was horrified, "but your children will be called something different". OK, see ya.

I don't see an issue either regarding the kids names, but FTR we never had any.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wouldn't worry about grandchildren or adult children. If you have young children I would not change a mom's last name back. Professional considerations could come into play but imho probably less so than most people might think.

In my state a woman just checks a box on the state divorce form and the judge normally approves the name change as part of the divorce decree at no additional cost.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MrsHolland said:


> You misunderstood. Why are you even asking for this in the divorce? Is it law?
> Never heard of anyone asking for the name as part of a divorce. Do you mean you want your ex to agree?
> 
> [QUOTE*]As part of my divorce I have asked that I be given back my maiden name.*


As for the experience, I had kept my maiden name as my middle name so just dropped off my surname. Even after 6 years there are still some things in my married name but I really don't care eg passport which I will redo when it gets renewed in a few years.[/QUOTE]

When you go thru a divorce a woman can be granted her maiden name back legally if she desires and I would like to have my name back. It is not a matter of asking anyone permission. You are asking the court to grant your wish.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> As for the experience, I had kept my maiden name as my middle name so just dropped off my surname. Even after 6 years there are still some things in my married name but I really don't care eg passport which I will redo when it gets renewed in a few years.


When you go thru a divorce a woman can be granted her maiden name back legally if she desires and I would like to have my name back.* It is not a matter of asking anyone permission. You are asking the court to grant your wish*.[/QUOTE]

I understand now that your system is different to ours. But yes you are asking for permission and TBH that seems very belittling to me. 

I hope all goes well for you in the divorce.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Zanne said:


> I am requesting a name change in my divorce. In my home state where we are filing, it is one of the first questions asked on the petition for divorce.
> 
> I have been using my maiden name as my middle name for awhile now. I recently dropped my married name altogether on all of my social media accounts as well as my resume. The resume is a tricky one because my married name is still my legal name.
> 
> ...


I have had my married name for 24 years so i know exactly what you are talking about. Yo have my maiden name back will take some getting use to. I di talk to one of my daughters who has children and I told her that i was taking my name back. Told her the kids could call me whatever they wanted to and if they refer to me by my STBX's last name that's fine too.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a site that explains what has to be done in the state where I live.
> 
> New Mexico Name Change Requirements
> 
> Basically you fill out a forum, file it at the court house and drop it off with a judge's clerk. The judge will then sign it and you go pick it up once signed. If the judge has any problem with the name change, the clerk will set up a court date. Usually the judge would have no problem with a woman going back to her MN.


I hired an attorney back in Feb to help me thru this process and am so thankful I did. They will be handling this matter. The rough draft of the decree goes back today for finalization and I hope to be legally divorced with my name back in 2 weeks!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> This is why i'm still on the fence about changing my name in my divorce. Different name than the kids : /
> Ugh. I go back and forth.


Sixty-Eight, I have two daughters who are married and have taken their husbands' names and one daughter at home still who is not a minor. So my name will be different from my minor daughter but I spoke with my daughter and she is fine with it.

Depending on the state, a judge will not grant a maiden name back to a mother with minor children.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I would refuse to marry a woman who didn't take my name. Seems rather cold to me you wouldn't.

I'd also prefer they went back to their maiden name after a divorce. I find it strange anyone would keep it. 

Unfortunately, my ex kept my name because she wanted to have the same last name as the kids she said. 

My two cents.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex husband didn't want me to keep the name either, but I didn't give a sh!t what he wanted any more! LOL! My name, my choice.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wish my stbxw would take back her maiden name but I doubt she will for professional reasons. As far as the kids go, they're all adults and I don't think it would cause them any additional distress if she did change her name back. The grandkids are young and will just accept it for what it is without any issue imo.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've never understood the preoccupation with last names. My last name is something I have because it's expected. I am not Mrs. Lastname, I am FIRSTNAME. Or Mom, or now Grammy. My last name isn't part of who I think of myself as. I took my first husbands last name and then didn't change it till I got married again and now I have my second husbands last name. Maybe i'm just too lazy but I don't know that I'd bother changing it if we divorced. I dunno, maybe I'd just drop it and take my middle name as my last name. Ya, I think I like that idea


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> My ex husband didn't want me to keep the name either, but I didn't give a sh!t what he wanted any more! LOL! My name, my choice.


Exactly, 3X. Our choice to do as we please and not consider what an ex-husband may or may not want. 

The day I filed I told my ex-husband that after 45 years of having his name I was taking my birth name back (I had always used my maiden name as my middle name but I wanted my entire birth name back -- including my middle name that I always hated). He shrugged and said "Well, if that's what you want but don't you think the grandkids will care?" My response was they would get used to it. And they have.


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