# How Am I Supposed to act now?



## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

My husband and i have been separated for a year and a half. He had a 3mon affair I was having a hard time dealing with. After a really bad fight, he left. A few months later, he gets a gf, he has been living with her since September. We were barely speaking, he was always mean when we had to talk about the kids or he would just call me to be mean. In late september we started talking a lot, almost daily, about how much he loved me when we were together, why when he was trying so hard I would just become distant, his reactions, basically all the things we should have talked about while we were together, he helped a lot financially to keep the house from going into foreclosure. However, he would say about the gf he has love for her but its not like he has for me, how he gets angry that he still loves me, but would say failure is not an option and he was going to make things work with her. One day he calls me drunk and tells me how unhappy he is, tired of trying to make it work with her, he misses me, his kids, his house but we have history n things were bad when he left. A few days later he comes over to bring me money and he is distant, cold, acting like he didnt even remember the things he said a few days prior! 

I was hurt, tired, fed up- so I went dark. No communication at all. His daughter lives with me, she is 18, I refused to speak with him at all, he would call his daughter to talk to his son, she would take him out to the car when he wanted to pick him up. In January, when he was bringing his daughter back from being with him, he came in, wanted to talk to me, play in my hair, laugh and joke like we were friends! I didnt cause a scene cause the kids were around but once he left I was back to no contact. He started calling his daughter asking for me, calling her asking her when was the last time she saw him happy, he has been unhappy for so long he cant even remember. One Saturday he called all day for me I finally answered her phone like 11at night, he sounded like he had been crying, he said he was just going through so much, could he come talk to me, then he said no he wouldnt burden me, its just that he needs someone to talk to - he was rambling and when he finished I just said are you sure you're ok. he said he would be fine and that was that. Since then every week he is calling her phone to talk to me, twice I gave in and talked to him - they were light, fun, conversations, he would tell me what an awesome mother I am, a great woman,I am just sooo awesome, yet your living with another woman..smh he would end the conversations with thanks for talking to me, I missed your voice or talking to you and I would go back to no contact. And I did.
For the last month though I havent' had any weak moments and I haven't talked to him at all, I even told his daughter not to even come get me when he called- not to talk about me- period. I feel like he uses her to keep tabs on what I am doing. She is 18 but she loves him, she loves me, she wants us together. Our sons birthday was Thursday, when he emailed me I responded telling him I was havin a lil party at school and he was welcome to come, he responded that he was at work but can he come see him later I said sure. Well, he left work early (which he NEVER does) and popped up at the school, which I thought was great and made my son's day. He walked my son home and came in (he hasnt been here in month, I would just have the kids walk out to his car). I had new smoke detectors on the table, so he put all those up, he asked about the lil boy who used to come play with my son, the boy across the street saw his car and he came in to talk to him, said he missed him. He asked about the older lady next door when he noticed her grass hadn't been cut and i told him she was alone now, her granddaughter moved out and he said omg she is all alone and went to knock on the door and chat with her (while I am standing here thinking well, I am alone to , with these kids, and you don't seem to give a da*n). he noticed some young guys across the street, i told him the old lady passed and I think her son inherited the house. he seemed to make his rounds with our neighbors, it was a nice day and most of them were sitting outside. he was going through the photo album, the pictures of us, our wedding pic still hanging in the living room. just kinda lingering. When he left he said he is tired of fighting, he might be moving to VA in a few months, if he gets this new job. He said I have the kids, the house, everything so I won (didn't know it was a contest) can we just start from today and not talk about the old stuff and can he pick the kids up from the house, said my hair looks nice, I am so pretty he knows I can get any man that I want, that he loves me and he wish we didn't have the bad memories that we have. he said he wants to move forward, i said when we talked a lot last year, I was able to understand and forgive you for things, it seems that you are the one who is still hurt and angry with me and he said he can see why I feel that way and he will just show me. Friday at 5am he texted me to ask me to make sure his daughter signed up for her classes- ummm I haven't needed any reminders before but I just said will do. Now as i said before, he lives with his gf, so when we were talking everyday those two months last year it was on his way to work so I was thinking he wanted me to call him but I didn't.
Sooooo, one thing I noticed is that since January when I have gone no contact (minus the few times i gave in and talked to him) that he has told me he misses me several times, told me he loved me three times (when he told me once in the whole of last year, along with once telling me that he did NOT love me), cant seem to keep his hands to himself, even if its just to touch my hair, always wants to hug me on the rare times he has seen me this year and tell me how everything he ever wanted was here.
YET- he is still living with another woman!
If this is all true , then why isn't he on his hands and knees begging for my forgiveness?! Isn't that how a true R is supposed to start? so, what is he doing? trying to get rid of his guilt for walking out on his wife and kids?
Am I to continue no contact or when he calls, should I be chatting with him?


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

This man is extremely confused. He can't decide what he wants. Make his decision easy for him - file for divorce, take his daughter to his house so his "girlfriend" can take care of her for him. You may love her, but he is using you to take care of her so he can do what he wants. He obviously doesn't care for you enough to end it with his gf and come crawling back to you...he just wants to keep you on the side b/c you're conveniently caring for responsibilities that he's neglecting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are Plan B --- a backup to his girlfriend. 

Focus on yourself and not about whatever it is he's doing.

Make your ife better. He can take care of his in his own way.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

He sounds very confused. 

Should you move ahead with divorce, I don’t agree with taking his daughter to him. If you have been an important part of her life, it would be cruel to basically toss her out. And what message would that give your son? She is 18. Let her make up her own mind who she wants to live with.


----------



## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

I talked to him today. He said he thinks about coming back often. I told him that I am not plan B and if everything he wants is here but HE is not then I am done with the confusion. After talking with him I feel he is confused, but he also does not have to make a decision in his mind because as he said - he does not even think about me with someone else because he knows I'm focused on school and the kids- lucky him. I believe he is enjoying being irresponsible with the gf and when that's done he can come home to the wife. I'm angry he thinks that because I love him and want my family that I'm a doormat. But that's my fault. 

I do love him and I guess that just takes time so I will just continue as I have been. I keep busy with kids, school and my great friends. I just have to wait for my heart to let go. I can't see making his daughter leave. She is a good child, helps me so much with my son and around the house. We are all so very close and she hasn't done anything wrong. 



Frostflower said:


> He sounds very confused.
> 
> Should you move ahead with divorce, I don’t agree with taking his daughter to him. If you have been an important part of her life, it would be cruel to basically toss her out. And what message would that give your son? She is 18. Let her make up her own mind who she wants to live with.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

fivewastedyears said:


> I talked to him today. He said he thinks about coming back often. I told him that I am not plan B and if everything he wants is here but HE is not then I am done with the confusion. After talking with him I feel he is confused, but he also does not have to make a decision in his mind because as he said - he does not even think about me with someone else because he knows I'm focused on school and the kids- lucky him. I believe he is enjoying being irresponsible with the gf and when that's done he can come home to the wife. I'm angry he thinks that because I love him and want my family that I'm a doormat. But that's my fault.
> 
> I do love him and I guess that just takes time so I will just continue as I have been. I keep busy with kids, school and my great friends. I just have to wait for my heart to let go. I can't see making his daughter leave. She is a good child, helps me so much with my son and around the house. We are all so very close and she hasn't done anything wrong.
> 
> ...


If and when he is done with this gf, would you take him back? If he does it once with no repercussions, he will do it again.

Also, think of the message you are sending the children by putting up with his behavior and meekly waiting and hoping he will return.

You may love him, but unless you take some steps now to change the dynamic, you will always be his doormat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to try to reconcile then give him a list of the things you need from him. Things like he has to leave the OW NOW. He has to move back home NOW. End all contact with OW NOW. Transparency, etc.

If he does not agree to do this then file for divorce.

To me it sounds like he's waiting for you to tell him that you will accept him back.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are you doing, FWI?


----------

