# Wife Can't let the Other Man Go



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

So my life has been absolutely turned upside down in the last couple of months. About two months ago my wife of seven years and the mother of my two beautiful boys came to me and announced that she "no longer had and passion for me" and that "I didn’t do it for her anymore". I am 5 years younger then my wife and I am in fairly good shape. I go to the gym regularly and I consider myself attractive. I have always been, in my opinion, a good husband and a great father. I help with cooking and cleaning and I try to do romantic things as much as possible. So needless to say the announcement that I no longer “do it” for her was a big hit to my self esteem and my heart. I asked her straight out why she suddenly felt this way and she said she didn’t know. So we both decided to seek professional help to try and fix out marriage and since that day we are both seeing separate psychologists. 
The real kicker for me came about a month ago when I discovered some “interesting” text messages on my wife’s phone. Now I know it was wrong for me to violate her privacy but at the time I was searching for answers and reasons why our seemingly “perfect” marriage went from good to the brink of divorce in an instant. I will spare you all the details of how I came to find out that there was something going on but the long and short of it is that it turns out that my wife was having an “emotional” relationship with a co-worker. This co-worker is divorced with a child and is currently living with another woman in common law and now trying to proceed with a relationship with my wife. I challenged my wife on this and she admitted that she “cared” for this individual. This single act almost drove me over the edge. To know that someone else excites my wife and to know that she would consider leaving me for him almost killed me. I asked her to make a decision and to choose me or him. She said that she wanted to choose me and that she would end it with him. A couple days after this happened fate stepped in and my wife got laid off from her job. That day when she got home she text this guy right in front of me without even worrying of what I might think. I didn’t say anything at the time and I trying to be as supportive as possible, trying to be a mature loving husband. A couple of days later she met with this guy over lunch and broke it off with him.
The problem that I am having is that I can tell she is still thinking of this guy and I know that she still fantasizes about him and fantasizes about cheating on me with him. We haven’t had sex in about 8 weeks and she will not kiss me passionately. She has also made comments about not really wanting to make love to me. I honestly think that she is in love with this looser and that she is trying to make it work between us because I am a “nice guy” and her life is really comfortable. She lost her job and it’s not a concern because we can easily survive off of my wage. I am tired of her ways and I am at my limit. I just don’t understand how woman can complain about their lives and husbands as being “too perfect” but yet also complain about being married to a looser. Why did she do this? Does it matter that I tried to do everything right? Did she really love me from day one or was I just comfortable? I think I deserve better but on the same hand I lover her and want to make it work. Will I ever be able to get over the fact that she stepped out of our marriage to satisfy her needs? Sure it wasn’t physical but what will happen next time? What do you think?


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I am sorry this happened.

Not all women will do this. could you wife have been the "gold digger" type? Was she just with you because like you said, she was comfortable? 

Some women, and men, will settle, and even if the person , like you , is great, attractive, etc... you may have just been the "nice" guy that she settled for, and she has now found herself in a relationship that is not enough for her. 

She might just be a horrible person, that has not a faithful bone in her body. She might be having some sort of internal crisis.. where she just went and did something very stupid, without thinking of the later consequences.

Either way, if you feel she has not really given this man up, and that you can't live with her , then you might want to consider leaving. You could keep doing the counseling too, and see if it helps in the longer term.

You do deserve better, that is for sure. So, if your wife can't straighten up, and give you what you deserve, then you will have to consider leaving. If she continues to have an emotional affair.... this can't work. She'll have to truly give up the other man , in order for you two to have a chance.

I wouldn't give up just yet... but, you can't be like this forever. 

let us know what you decide... update if you can.


----------



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Thank-you for your thoughts. I do not beleive that she is a gold digger but there is a strong posibility that she settled. I do deserve better but I am not sure if better is out there. My views on life and love have become very jaded. I will update you when I can.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinking you out to either ditch the ICs or at least start marriage counseling.

You have no advocate for your marriage right now.

I don't think you should drag out your wife's exploration anymore.

Her focus is completely away from you. If you can't turn this ship, stop trying. Pursue divorce.


----------



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

There are many GREAT woman out there...who would not be "settling" at all to have an attractive, hardworking, helpful, nice, financially stable husband. Don't undercut the rest of us woman just because of what you're wife pulled.

Are there problems in your marriage that maybe you haven't thought of before or things she may not like that she hasn't addressed with you? Not giving any excuses for her actions or feelings, but often there are reasons that an affair occurs. Are you really as perfect as you sound? It's possible...but reality is that we all have our quirks. Just something to think about. From my experience....it takes time to get over someone you care about...even if there never should of been feelings to begin with. Long ago in my first marriage, I had an affair, and after confessing to my husband and breaking it off with the other man....many things went through my mind....I felt horrible for what I had done to my husband and unworthy of his love.....I mourned the loss of the friendship I had with the other man and kicked myself for letting it go further which made it so I could not keep him even just as a friend. I was perfectly happy with the friendship we had, so why did I let it go further...I should of been content with friends. 

Good luck...and counseling is definitely in order!


----------



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Just for the record I am not perfect. Trust me I know that. I have my faults but I am secure enough to accept them and try to work on meeting the needs and expectations of my partner. I know that there are good woman out there, I'm just venting and I appologize if I insulted anyone.

Our relationship does have some issues but I am willing to work on them, it seems however, she is not. She uses any excuse possible to harbor "resentment" towards me and I try as hard as i can not to harbor and resentment towards her for the things she's done. I'm just trying to understand this all.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

mrmarried.. please don't think for a minute, that you can't find someone new, out there. there is better out there. I can certainly understand why your view on love has become jaded.... there were times when I felt the same as you... only I'm the girl and it was the guys that were lying and cheating... etc...

It might just be time to say ciao to this woman. If you really can't see a future with her, and most importantly, if she refuses to give up this other man, then she's made the choice for both of you.

Please don't lose hope though, that if you are single again... you can and will find a great gal, to share your love and life with....

I wish you luck...

keep us updated...


----------



## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Hey Married,

28 yrs ago walked out, to be with my wife of 28 yrs now.

Take the jump.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

No she is not a gold digger, she is a cheating faithless wife. She has withheld sex from you for 8 weeks. Do you want to end this? Do you want your wife back. Start to pull away. First off, close any and all joint bank accounts. Tell her if you can't trust her with your heart, you won't trust her with your money. Then tell her that since she feels she settled, you don't want to burden her with her bad choice any longer. Tell her that she can leave anytime. Tell her that you love her, but your through competing with a POSOM. YOU MUST TELL HER ALL THIS WITHOUT BEING ANGRY. YOU ARE NOT MR. NEEDY. YOU ARE MR. CONFIDENT. YOU ARE A MAJOR CATCH LIKE AZ MOM SAID. HELL IF I WASN'T MARRIED TO MY WIFE. I'D MARRY YOU! SO ENOUGH OF THINKING THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU. 

In closing tell your wife this with confidence. "Just how long do you think I would be available, I am a good looking guy. Loves the family life. Good provider. I think I'm the pick of the litter. So you can go live with your mom or the POSOM and his girlfriend but my days of putting up with your "I don't feel passion for you" attitude are over.

This would rock her world. Remember, close accounts. she needs to feel you pulling away from her. Then expect her to say alright we'll go to counseling. Tell her no. Tell her if her love for you isn't strong enough. I'll find a woman who's love is strong enough. 

You have tried loving her back. How's that working for you? Its time to pull away and create your own emotional vacuum. SHE NEEDS TO WIN YOU BACK. SHE IS THE CHEATING SKANK. YOU ARE THE WONDERFUL BETRAYED HUSBAND. DON'T TAKE ANYMORE OF HER CRAP.


----------



## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

WOW initfortheduration ... have you been cheated on before? Maybe you need to take a step back and realize hurting other people it screwed up!!! You're rude, crude and have NO regard for other people's feelings.

Now, in regards to the situation ... coming from the wife who was separated and sought love elsewhere... you need to sit down and talk to her. I think there needs to be lines set up and you need to know if she wants to work on something. If you're willing to work on something with her then you go to the same person to talk to and dig through the layers of what brought you both to this point! It takes two to bring a relationship to this point and it's not your fault and it's not hers ... it's a combination. Now, if she refuses to see someone or work on things ... then let her know she has to go. She is complacent with the situation and you do need to shake it up. She is used to seeing you as the good guy who she can walk on, you're her safety net. You need to let her know that you can't be that ... because trust me being the safety net sucks... i've been there. Love is never equal, but it's not fair for you to be providing it along with everything else and she is holding back. 

I personally would not resort to telling her you're the pick of the litter and what not ... you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You're not a jerk guy so why start now?!?!?!?!

It's gonna hurt to see her go, but if she comes around and you still want her in your life then wonderful. Or you will meet another woman who is meant to be your forever. Sometimes you have to let go to see what else is out there for you. My only advice with that is make sure it's completely over for both of you ... or you'll feel like the cheater in the end!!


----------



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Needing Advice said:


> WOW initfortheduration ... have you been cheated on before? Maybe you need to take a step back and realize hurting other people it screwed up!!! You're rude, crude and have NO regard for other people's feelings.
> 
> Now, in regards to the situation ... coming from the wife who was separated and sought love elsewhere... you need to sit down and talk to her. I think there needs to be lines set up and you need to know if she wants to work on something. If you're willing to work on something with her then you go to the same person to talk to and dig through the layers of what brought you both to this point! It takes two to bring a relationship to this point and it's not your fault and it's not hers ... it's a combination. Now, if she refuses to see someone or work on things ... then let her know she has to go. She is complacent with the situation and you do need to shake it up. She is used to seeing you as the good guy who she can walk on, you're her safety net. You need to let her know that you can't be that ... because trust me being the safety net sucks... i've been there. Love is never equal, but it's not fair for you to be providing it along with everything else and she is holding back.
> 
> ...


Actually, isn't this essentially the same advice that initfortheduration just posted? Sure, his approach was a little more direct or harsh but it is the same thing really. 

Basically, it sounds like the time for being "nice and understanding" is over from what I have read in the OP's posts. Sometimes you have to play hardball even if you don't want to. Maybe you don't even want a divorce but your WS doesn't have to know that. 

If the WS is sitting on the fence about continuing in the marriage or being a "cake-eater" then the nice ways don't work anymore. I had to play "hardball" with my husband even though I didn't want to--I made him move out when he couldn't seem to want to commit to working on our marriage. It was the last thing I wanted-him moving out of our house-but he needed to get a taste of what he "said" he wanted-a divorce.

I think both you and init have the same idea--just one is a little more direct.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Needing advice.

Because of your situation you identify with the wayward wife. His wife is in what is called a fog. A fog where she thinks that what she has with the OM is love. Its no more love then what you had with that man that moved on or the other 2 guys. Those relationships were not real world. Yours and her marriage is the real world. My method is direct. It is to bring the WW to a crisis. Why. Because, if you read enough of the other posters here and at other infidelity sites. You will find out that you can't love someone back into your marriage. 

Oh and another thing. It doesn't always take two to bring a marriage to a situation where one partner cheats. Sometimes spouses have weak boundaries. They let another man or woman into their world as a confidant or as someone to stroke their ego. The major reason for infidelity is not lack of love. Its lack of respect. A marriage can live without love, if they have respect for each other. A marriage cannot live with love and no respect. The lack of respect will kill the love, and then disrespect and contempt enter in. Here come the caps and bold *
A MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE INJURY, IT CAN SURVIVE INFIDELITY, IT CAN SURVIVE THE PARALYZING OF ONE PARTNER. IT CAN SURVIVE THE DEATH OF A PARENT OR SIBLING. A MARRIAGE CAN EVEN SURVIVE THE DEATH OF A CHILD. THE ONE THING THAT A MARRIAGE CANNOT SURVIVE IS........CONTEMPT. CONTEMPT IS THE SYSTEMATIC DEVALUATION OF THE SPOUSE. IT IS THE MUTATED OFFSPRING OF DISRESPECT. LACK OF RESPECT WILL KILL LOVE. CONTEMPT WILL MURDER A MARRIAGE.*


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Your absolutely right...your the 'nice guy'. 

You got to stop that. Your really not doing anyone a favor by trying to please her by your definitions of what it is to be a good husband.

Get the book 'no more mr. nice guy'. Trust me.
What your saying and admitting to is exactly whats covered in the book. You are very insecure about yourself and your not assertive. You put on an image of being a different, new age guy thats 'good'...a 'good' husband, a 'good' body, a 'good' lover. You need to stop this because it only leads to rage. You'll get a "Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde" quality to your personality. You'll feel that after all you've given, your wife is being ungrateful and it will just fill you with pent up rage and hate. Your going to explode one day man...

#1 you need to respect yourself. Your with a woman that is not happy with you. Start respecting yourself as a number one step...and split up. Tell her YOU need a little time. 

She doesnt want you anymore yet you stay, and you continue giving hoping your nurturing will make her love you. Do you see how thats controlling in a way? Its very passive agressive. Forget her man. Your kids will be fine. Make her get out there and get a job too. Make sure you let her know its not acceptable or you risk paying her spousal support if she decides to leave you or vice versa.

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions my friend. Let your wife screw around if thats her nature but make sure you wont be around to live through it and let her know that.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Dump her and find a woman that deserves you.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

8 weeks is long enough. She doesn't want to cheat on the other man with you. I will wager that you were a thoughtful, caring husband, and what might have attracted her to you. But eventually that kindness was looked upon by your wife as weakness. You see, your response to her "choose him or me" was the wrong question. It should have been. "Get you a$$ out, and I will consider what I want to do"

Oh and by the way. YOU ARE A MAJOR CATCH. I know needing advice said not to tell her this. Wrong. In fact I will wager that if you ran an add on e-harmony, match. com or anyone of the other relationship sites, you would get plenty of play.

As I have said, She cheated, she is withholding love, she is acting like a skank. You need to get up in her grill. Tell her to go live with a friend or her parents. Because at this point she isn't fit for a ONS, let alone a marriage. 

You can continue to operate in fear or you can act. Two thing will happen, she will wise up, and do the work or she is a skank and you are well rid of her.

Oh and one more thing. Do you think you are doing her a favor by letting her decide? You aren't. Her choices have sucked lately. Thats why you don't give her any. You decide. You would actually be doing her a favor, by manning up an leading for once.


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I strongly suggest not using those dating sites. Its filled with desperate people and he'll only attract women like his current wife.

He needs to start living a better life, and it starts by changing yourself. He is a codependent and that has ramifications beyond romantic relationships. Codependents are the kind of people that blow up when they invest their goodness into something and finally realize it was all in vain.... you'll typically hear "I dont want to give up because I've invested so much into this"...that investment is our goodness, or atleast our image of whats 'good'. 

Change is the answer my friend. Dump your wife, Initfortheduration is absolutely correct that she wont have sex with you because it would be cheating on her new love. Doesnt that piss you off? Respect yourself. Be free of her. There's NOTHING you can do...being a 'better' father, a 'better' husband, cleaning the house more, being more emotionally available...doing more of what you've been doing is not whats going to fix anything. You can't control her, but you can control YOU.


----------



## danyell80 (Apr 20, 2009)

wow i hope things work out for you!!


----------



## fallingapart (Apr 22, 2009)

I'm in the exact same situation, but it's my husband that has said he's not sure he wants to be married to me anymore, that he's not attracted to me anymore, that he's unhappy with a lot of things in our marriage. This is after he had an affair about a year and 1/2 ago. I've been through a lot, but I feel like I can't give up...what's wrong with me?


----------



## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Apart,

Just haven't decided yet, to cut or stay.

Takes time, its your decision, but at all costs do not waste your valued life unhappy.

Peace.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I am in no way suggesting that you should only stay in your marriage for your children or your family. I would be straight up with her and tell her your feelings. And suggest that if she can't truly show you that she desires you, wants to be with you fully, then have you all sit down with your families. Perhaps first her parents or siblings. Have her understand fully the reality of what she is communicating. Have her explain why she felt the need to pursue a relationship outside the marriage. Perhaps she feels too safe to have to confront her own reality. And doing that might just make her realize a more real picture then she's been able to see. When I first found out, I told my husband that I trusted he would never betray me because of what his father had done in his marriage. He felt that his actions were NOT that of his father. So, I suggested we call his father and have that discussion. Get his dad's perspective. This shocked him. I could see it in his eyes. A dizzying dose of reality that helped him get clarity. I never said anything to his father. Didn't need to. That is a weight he now must carry. Perhaps your wife needs a similar dose?


----------



## Flores702 (Dec 18, 2012)

Man O man I hope you resolved this. Our issues are almost identical, accept I took on two step children. I still have a relationship with my two "ex' step kids, but it is strained more often by their mother. I tried and tried to stop my ex from seeing this younger man. I being 6 years younger than her, I couldn't believe that she went so far as to find someone 9 years younger than herself. I think that in some situations like this a woman wants a man that is still malleable, something she can change to fit her needs. That's not the point of my post though, although critical to a older woman younger man scenario. My point is these traits are unique to a particular type of people. Those with less experience with this or potentially those that have made the mistakes or upgrades that the women we've been with have made, will say what I say next is not true, if she has done it once she does have the potential or at least the capacity to do it again. I myself am an attractive person, I'm no longer modest because life is short, time is ticking. I backed women off for years during my marriage, but to some people having good morals, a stable job, a loving personality, and being completely faithful is not enough, even when they are the only one truly bringing any drama into the relationship. As said before, the capacity is there, why risk it? There are women that would sooner bow out of a relationship when all avenues have been explored, and would never consider cheating. It sound to me like you're a completely faithful guy.. Why risk it? 

Once that issue became our whole marriage I tried to turn her back to me. I moved out and took my biological daughter. I had family and support, and she couldn't handle daycare and transport of our daughter on her own. All I wanted from her was her full attention. We were still off and on for a couple of years, but the guy kept coming in and out of the picture, and I (like a dumb ass) was still completely loyal. She just has that capacity...I wish you the best of luck. I for one would not settle. I was 21 when we got together she was 27, I am now 29 and a single parent, dating here and there... DO NOT! I repeat.. DO NOT! Waste your time.. And I'm out this MF!..


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Tim said:


> I strongly suggest not using those dating sites. Its filled with desperate people and he'll only attract women like his current wife.


I've met wonderful women on those sites and have been in relationships as long as 2 years. I'm involved with a woman now it's been almost a year and things are great, we met on a free site.

Don't disparage the dating sites, it's clear you have no clue, and my guess is you probably tried them and struck out badly so you're bitter and jaded.

MrMarriedman,

You're wife is most likely sexually involved with this guy especially since they've met at least once.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Looks like the OP seagulled. I wonder what ever happened to him?


----------

