# Thoughts on physical custody?



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

My stbxw and I still live together with the kids. We have thrown every option on the table as far as physical custody goes and tried to weigh the benefits of each. At first I was adamant about not being a weekend parent. So we compromised on a 7 day rotation that begins each Monday. But lately I'm wondering if that would end up really being the best thing. Honestly I don't miss the kids the way she does. It sounds horrible to say that but I'm just better at realizing that the time away is temporary. Right now we alternate weekends as alone time with the kids and the other parent goes away to a friend or relatives house. We did this thinking it would help ease them into the eventual transition to full time separation. Last weekend I took them to my mothers for 3 days since we had the holiday off. My wife was posting up on facebook how much she missed them and commenting on each and every fb post I made about what we were doing. She says when they are gone that all she can think about is what they are doing. I don't get anxious like that. When I'm gone I just rest assured that they are safe with her and not sitting by the door waiting for the moment for me to get back. What do you guys think?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Men are wired to love their wives.

Women are wired to love their children


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Very insightful Conrad. I suppose I don't really feel a need to be around my children constantly. I spend time with them individually and as a group. I'm my eight year old sons Cub scout den leader so we do that together. How many other kids can look at the guy in the uniform and say "that's my dad"? I take my four year old with me at least once a week to the grocery store and do some shopping with him. We also wrestle around on the couch and he get's plenty of superman flights around the living room. My daughter gets my time also though not as much as the boys since she is eleven and really gravitating towards her mother more since they are sharing so many "lady problems" during the month and she feels better confiding in her than me. Should I feel bad that I'm not worrying myself to death every minute I'm not around them? Because I don't. I trust in the people that I leave them with like their mother, teachers, etc.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Otter, your approach sounds much healthier to me -- both for you and for the children. Children were not meant to bear the burden of being a parent's sole reason for existence.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> Otter, your approach sounds much healthier to me -- both for you and for the children. Children were not meant to bear the burden of being a parent's sole reason for existence.


Meaning the weekly rotation or the standard visitation?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, I wasn't speaking of the rotation or the visitation,but of your attitude -- which is that you enjoy your children when you are with them, but you are capable of letting them go about their life without obsessing.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> Oh, I wasn't speaking of the rotation or the visitation,but of your attitude -- which is that you enjoy your children when you are with them, but you are capable of letting them go about their life without obsessing.


Oh, well thanks. Yeah it's weird that she will end up with all of them on the bed with her and that's great for a little while but they can spend hours doing that. For some reason I don't like to be crowded that way but I love showing them how to do things. Like getting them to help me with car maintenance even if it's just pouring in the oil at the end. My four year old loves "helping" when i'm under the car by grabbing just about any wrench and going about tapping on the parts under the car. I always make sure to tell him good job. The older two spend so much time in the car with me every day that by the time we get home they really aren't that interested in spending more time with me. And honestly, no one gets real excited about helping me mow the yard either but that I don't really blame them on. I had 2 acres to keep landscaped growing up so I've had my share of "fun in the sun".


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Sorry to jack your post but I feel the need to make a comment that will help me and maybe you too? I'm not to the point you are and my situation is a little different but I am glad that you can see what is better for your kids or at least try to look at this from the kids point of view.

My WW is batcrap crazy and I worry all the time. I don't think it is to the point where the kids will get hurt or are in danger persay but I do worry. My WW likes to leave me notes for when I get home that say "went to the park" which doesn't mean anything because there are hundreds or parks and who really knows if she is at a park or where ever.

good luck,


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Otter,

I have experience with helicopter moms. They hover and indulge children because it's psychologically safe. A kid rejecting you isn't like the rejection of a spouse.

It's also possible she's making atonement to the kids for things she was missing as a child.

While my approach is more like yours, I likely was a bit too cavalier and my daughter got suicidal while I was distracted and feeling sorry for myself.

Just make sure you stay connected and the kids are willing to tell you their problems.

Let her hover.

You're not going to be able to stop her anyway.

They'll eventually see for themselves.

And, they won't like it much.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Sounds like you guys are saying one way or another it doesn't matter as long as the time you have is quality time?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> Sounds like you guys are saying one way or another it doesn't matter as long as the time you have is quality time?


I'd likely split the difference. Rather than 50/50, I'd let her have 60-40 or 63-37

You do want to remain connected to them.

AND, you don't want to hear about it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think so, Otter. I know that my H has far less time with his kids than his ex does, but they prefer their time with him, since she is kinda nuts


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

You sound like you have a good attitude in regards to your children and that's great, but the ability you have to not 'miss them' like she does is a benefit to you and you only.

Depending on the age of a kid, they can go a certain time without having real 'face time' with a parent. You want to try and make it as close to equal as possible if there is no moral or physical harm coming to the children.

Now, you may not agree with her parenting tactics but as long as they aren't being harmed then that's okay. They will eventually make up there own mind about each parent and in the end seek certain needs from either/or. 

Have you looked into any sort of government seminars on how to handle the custody arrangement and what's good for the kids?? I know a few on the board have mentioned it in the US, one was called "Children in the Middle Class"

This thread started by SVL - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/46480-children-middle-class.html

I just went to the course called "For The Sake of The Children" on Monday up here in Canada, it is also required to take in the event we cannot come to an agreement together and we have to go to mediation. The Courts will not hear our case unless we get the 'certificate'. I take part 2 in mid June. This wasn't a requirement as of yet for myself, but when I found out about it from a lawyer he said it would be a great idea to do it on my own.

Now, I didn't learn too much from the legal standpoint in that seminar, but what I did take out of it was the viewpoint of the children (it was heavily based on the children of course, lots of interviews with kids).

They need as much equal time as possible, but it can be all sorts of things like genuine phone calls at a set time, mid week visits, and depending on the age, emails and texts.

In this seminar they really talked down about 'buying love' with excess toys and always smothering the children. Yes, you want to show them the emotional and physical affection they require, but at the same time they are kids and need to still have that 'go and play' solo time.

---

This evening I will be meeting up with stbxw at a coffee shop to discuss the future arrangements with the kids. We are currently doing 1 week rotations (she lives at her parents, and I took time off work to ensure my daughter finishes school) but once I go back to work I will be doing 2 week rotations .. so I will be proposing a 2 week rotation with alternating weekends. It's pretty close to 50 / 50 and will give the kids the most time with each parent.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've been googling it and I think a SPO is real close to 60/40.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

And we've already discussed having video chat times during the week when we wanted to say hi. So there's some virtual face to face time that we can have also. I'd like to get our phones upgraded to front facing webcams so I can video chat on our phones and not have to be around a pc. Just one more way to communicate.


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