# Back on TAM after a long time



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I don't know if anyone here remembers me. I used to post a lot because I was STRUGGLING in my marriage and needing help and support. It might've been a year ago.

I've been lurking for about a month now, thinking about starting to post again, and keep chickening out. Well, here I am.

For anyone who remembers my story, here's an update:
We teetered on the edge in December. I moved out for about 6 months, got a job, got my own life.
During this separation, H started going to individual counseling.
We gradually took steps toward reconciling: spent a couple weekends together, then I joined him for couples therapy twice.
On the promise that he would continue couples therapy with me, I moved back. I'm back.

It's only been about 2 months. Things are mostly better. Of course, I wouldn't be posting at all if they were perfect, but there is a calmer, more open and honest climate now. WE NEEDED EVERY SECOND OF THAT SEPARATION, each of us for different reasons. 

And we're still in MC. So...hi, everyone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I remember you and your She-Ra! Welcome back.

Happy to hear things are better now


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks, JB. I remember your colors and wisdom.

I've gotten stronger and calmer. H has gotten more positive and relaxed. We still have a ways to go, but the difference now is that I don't feel like I'm going it alone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, I remember. Things are looking good!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> For anyone who remembers my story, here's an update:
> We teetered on the edge in December. I moved out for about 6 months, got a job, got my own life.
> During this separation, H started going to individual counseling.
> We gradually took steps toward reconciling: spent a couple weekends together, then I joined him for couples therapy twice.
> On the promise that he would continue couples therapy with me, I moved back. I'm back.


Very happy to hear things are getting better! Welcome back!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Seen your post here just now


> He told me I'm his best friend.
> 
> I would like him to be my best friend.
> At one time, he was my worst enemy.
> ...


Sounding good ! Welcome back , I remember you! Always good to have members come back & share how they overcame their darkest hour.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you 

I've stayed away from the forum for a few reasons: 1, I had really gotten all I needed in terms of advice and listening and support. It was time for me to take some action. 2, once I moved out and got a job I didn't feel as needy. 3, now that i'm back I felt dumb posting an update until some time had passed. Otherwise it would've been just more of the same. Oh, and 4--I get addicted to things like TAM and let it consume way too much of my time and it crosses from good for me to excessive if I don't curtail my posting.

And it is some of the same. But our relationship is different and better now.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Fáilte ar ais, CDG.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mario Kempes said:


> Fáilte ar ais, CDG.


Go raibh maith agat!


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

so separations do work... nice to hear. at least if someone didn't want to jump right into throwing everything away. 

do you mind my asking what drew you to the point of separation and how you two got that sorted out?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> do you mind my asking what drew you to the point of separation and how you two got that sorted out?


I don't mind at all.

First of all, we still have work to do. And it's largely because he's willing to do the work with me--in couples counseling--that I'm able to stick around and rebuild trust and love toward him. 
That said, I also feel that this is a very different relationship than what we had 6-8 months ago.

What led us to separation? I got to the point where I felt completely alone and like I was living with a cold, angry, contemptuous person who picked fights with me and threw barbs at me daily. We had tried marriage counseling but he wouldn't let his guard down enough to open up to the process and in the end he quit. So I continued counseling on my own on the advice of a friend here. The stronger and more grounded I got, the more agitated he got. 

He finally went too far for me to continue as we were, around Christmas. He was a loose cannon and I was done. He initiated the separation in a fit of rage, but I surprised him by agreeing to it. To me, those aren't words to be used recklessly. Use them--especially more than once--mean them.

How'd we sort it out? 
The relationship problems finally stopped being just MY problem, and started being HIS--because now he didn't have me anymore. It was like he hadn't been able to SEE his own role in the problems, with me there, because all he saw was the person he dumped blame on--me. IMO, this separation was absolutely necessary for him to finally wake up. *But that's not why I wanted it.* 
I asked nothing from him because I expected nothing of him. But he surprised me. He started individual counseling and asked me to join him after he'd gone a few times. 

What was needed was a major shift. Major shifts take time. 

How are things different now? We're both more relaxed. I'm happy in myself and feel strong and good about myself for having taken care of myself by separating and thus enforcing my boundary. He's more relaxed and positive overall. 

We still have conflicts. But now he's more capable of talking through them with me. They don't compound and devastate like they used to.
He's still careless with his words sometimes. That still bothers me, and is something to be addressed in counseling. 

I hope that answered your question. Separations can help, BUT as for me, I didn't separate with the hope of salvaging the marriage; I separated with the intention to take care of myself and do right by myself. I was willing to follow through on divorce because I knew that I had done all I could for the marriage and couldn't continue with it as it was. And the only way to save us was if HE finally did his part too. And surprisingly, the separation was what it took for him to take some responsibility.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I remember a lot of your posts from a while ago. I remember thinking how much effort you were putting into your marriage and how it was plain he a) wasn't doing the same and b) didn't appreciate just what he had in you being his wife.

It sounds like the separation had a positive effect in him understanding his part. I think nothing else was going to work; while you were still there WITH him he could continue to act out and deflect without having to take an ounce of responsibility. He just couldn't SEE it.

Glad things have gotten better C x


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I didn't know you back then, but I'm so glad to hear that things have worked out for you and your marriage!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man I've been around a long time! Yes I remember you. Glad for update! Keep up the progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I read through all the archives when I joined TAM a couple of months ago and I remember yours really well. I'm very glad things are better for you now.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I remember you too. Welcome back, and I'm so glad to hear things are heading in the right direction for you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Lyris said:


> I read through all the archives when I joined TAM a couple of months ago and I remember yours really well. I'm very glad things are better for you now.


Yikes, those damning archives. I'm embarrassed of some of that.  Oh well.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Oh, don't be embarrassed! It was clear how hard you were working and how committed you were/are.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam, welcome back - I think it is cool you did the separation and are now back together. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> I don't know if anyone here remembers me. I used to post a lot because I was STRUGGLING in my marriage and needing help and support. It might've been a year ago.
> 
> I've been lurking for about a month now, thinking about starting to post again, and keep chickening out. Well, here I am.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Credam, welcome back - I think it is cool you did the separation and are now back together.


Thanks, MEM. I hope we keep making progress.


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