# Can A Man Be Too Independent?



## MisguidedMiscreant

Ladies, I'm sorry to invade your lounge again but I have another question. Can a man be too independent? 

I'm asking this because I have a fierce independent streak, I readily accept advice as you can see from my presence on this forum but I constantly turn down any form of assistance unless I'm either new to things or something like my legs are broken and there's no wheelchair access. Even with my parents, from the moment I moved out of their home, I haven't asked them for a single thing. The only time I've eaten from their home was the past holidays and my mother is the best cook I know. I'm pretty good in the kitchen but she puts me to shame, this is funny because she's where I get this attitude from. Back to the topic at hand, I don't look down on people who need assistance because we all need help at some point but I've been raised to believe that I must stand on my own two feet before I can take care of a woman and child(ren) but is there like a point that a man can go past that it becomes unattractive? I mean, at what point does independent becomes something bad, know what I mean?

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

I have a good job right now but I don't have a car yet so I have to walk to the bus stop to get home, coworkers often see me walking and offer me rides but I vehemently refuse unless there's a case where I'm cutting it close to missing the bus and, even then, I only accept the ride to the bus stop. Sometimes, I think "accept the ride" but my mouth always says "no, thank you."


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## 40jane

There is definitely a limit to being to independent. If you are independent to the point that you don't ask a woman what your needs are, don't include her on decisions, prefer being alone, go on outings without her, make all the financial choices, come and go without any accountability, prefer not being asked anything of you, closed mined to others ideas than I would say it was out of balance. 

It sounds like you have a healthy motivation..you like to take the initiative (which is good), but if you need help and don't ask..it might be over the top. Sometimes others want to be needed to feel valued or of some importance in your life. We all want to feel we make a difference in someones life. Make sure you allow others know they are special by allowing them to be a part of your life.


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## reachingshore

I don't think there is such a thing as too independent. However one has to draw a line between independence and too much of pride. Being too proud is unattractive.

Using the example of offered rides. Yes, one is independent, one is capable of getting home by themselves if need be. But turning down a ride just on a principle, that's being too proud.


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## SimplyAmorous

I totally agree with everthing 40Jane just said. :iagree:

I feel it is a very honorable thing to NOT "NEED" or have to ask others for financial help, hitching rides, babysitting favors, household projects, the list is endless. Me & my husband try to live this way, we prefer to do EVERYTHING ourselves, rarely asking for help. 

But what we have found is sometimes, when others (usually friends) ask him to help with fixing their car, or whatever, sometimes these "getting togethers" bring alot of unexpected fun, great conversations, helps bring us closer in our relationship/freindship. Then when we find ourselves in a bind, last year we needed friends to help us lay cement- and they all came, we had a great time with cement up to our knees , almost getting ahead of us, some FUNNY memories. Once husband needed a friend to help us rebuild a motor yrs ago, literally put together a 4x4 in peices. I know these times of "our need" helped build some of these friendships, which has blessed our lives. And vice versa when they come to us for help. 

I know my Dad & His brother, that is the only time they get together is when they have some project they need help with. So thank God they ask, or their relatioship might have died. 

It is nice to be needed once in a while. Never too much or this becomes a "boundary" issue. A sucking leech if you will. Nobody should want to be a "drain" on another, that is the other extreme. 

I think your Mom would even be hurt if she WANTED to cook a very nice meal for you but you declined due to not wanting her to go out of her way. Let people be NICE sometimes, it will help build relationships, make memories and even make them feel good about themselves. 

Take some of those rides when offered!


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## Cinta

I agree with all three above. Some times, just a little vulnerability can hugely benefit a relationship. But not too much.


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## greeneyeddolphin

If you are so independent that you make others feel completely unnecessary in your life, then it's too much. If you are so independent that it makes people think you don't like them or are standoffish (i.e., not accepting rides from coworkers - not saying you do it, but it's a good example for this one), then it's too much. 

You have to find the balance between being a man who is respected and admired for being independent and being a man who is humble enough to ask for or accept offered help when he needs it.


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## ChrisInNOVA

It seems like you may have a trust issue and a pride issue.

When we allow others to help us, it means trusting them. It means admitting that we need help.

You may not be ready for an intimate relationship. Those 2 issues will kill any relationship.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

Thanks ladies, I didn't know it could've been that deep of an issue but I've thought about it the whole day today and I believe you're right. Thinking back on it, my mother, for example, did look a little hurt whenever I told her that I was okay and turned her down for cooking for me. I'm kinda tearing up a little right now knowing that I may have caused her pain but I was honestly trying not to be a burden on my parents. I've begun taking steps to stop with this what I'm calling my "Anti Hero" attitude I've conditioned myself with, for example, I've accepted a ride home but I believe that it was more to the fact that the weather is about to take a turn tonight as opposed to actually needing it. If it wasn't for the weather report of a winter storm, which is rare for where I'm from, I'd probably be just getting in right now instead of writing this post. 

My next question is do you have any advice to help me to stop being an Anti Hero?


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## 4sure

atruckersgirl said:


> If you are so independent that you make others feel completely unnecessary in your life, then it's too much.
> 
> 
> Sad to say, but my husband and I are to independent. I feel his life would be the same with me or without me. He has often told me that I seem not to need him. Everytime that I have reached out to him in need, he wasn't there. So I quit reaching.


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## southbound

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Ladies, I'm sorry to invade your lounge again but I have another question. Can a man be too independent?
> 
> I'm asking this because I have a fierce independent streak, I readily accept advice as you can see from my presence on this forum but I constantly turn down any form of assistance unless I'm either new to things or something like my legs are broken and there's no wheelchair access. Even with my parents, from the moment I moved out of their home, I haven't asked them for a single thing. The only time I've eaten from their home was the past holidays and my mother is the best cook I know. I'm pretty good in the kitchen but she puts me to shame, this is funny because she's where I get this attitude from. Back to the topic at hand, I don't look down on people who need assistance because we all need help at some point but I've been raised to believe that I must stand on my own two feet before I can take care of a woman and child(ren) but is there like a point that a man can go past that it becomes unattractive? I mean, at what point does independent becomes something bad, know what I mean?
> 
> Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
> 
> I have a good job right now but I don't have a car yet so I have to walk to the bus stop to get home, coworkers often see me walking and offer me rides but I vehemently refuse unless there's a case where I'm cutting it close to missing the bus and, even then, I only accept the ride to the bus stop. Sometimes, I think "accept the ride" but my mouth always says "no, thank you."


I have wondered this about myself. from my experience, I think a certain level of independence might be unattractive to a woman. Like you, I was taught to be able to take care of myself. I did laundry, some cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids, even when they were babies. I have summers off, and people would always ask, "who keeps the kids during the summer?" The thing is, I took care of them. I would have felt like a nut taking them somewhere else while I wasn't working. I took care of the bills, etc, so I guess it didn't seem like I "needed" anyone else. I thought all along that a woman would appreciate this stuff, but maybe she didn't feel "needed" enough. Things shouldn't be this difficult to understand.:scratchhead:


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## christmaslady

Yes, men can be too independent...it was part of the breaking up of my relationship. He needed to do things on his own (was not looking for help, support or even to vent about things)...

sidenote: while he didn't want those things from me, he got them elsewhere...take that how you like....but don't be so independent that you block others out etc.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

southbound said:


> I have wondered this about myself. from my experience, I think a certain level of independence might be unattractive to a woman. Like you, I was taught to be able to take care of myself. I did laundry, some cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids, even when they were babies. I have summers off, and people would always ask, "who keeps the kids during the summer?" The thing is, I took care of them. I would have felt like a nut taking them somewhere else while I wasn't working. I took care of the bills, etc, so I guess it didn't seem like I "needed" anyone else. I thought all along that a woman would appreciate this stuff, but maybe she didn't feel "needed" enough. Things shouldn't be this difficult to understand.:scratchhead:


I hear you, it's like all of the stuff I've been raised to believe in as a man is wrong. I guess I was born in the wrong era because a lot of the males I see today wouldn't measure up to how hard the men came before us had it. I don't think I do despite how hard I try sometimes, at least I have spirit. That's more than I can say for a lot of people today. 

Moving right along, despite what I just said, I am trying to be more open and I've promptly been screwed over three out of four times for my trouble and two cases were family members and I was actually paying one of them in one case while the other case involved me getting yelled at like I did something wrong when I didn't and a lot of things were said to me that everyone that knew about the case said shouldn't have been. I can feel myself slipping back into my usual Anti-hero mindset but how do I keep myself from doing that?


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## moonangel

My mother-in-law was like you. She never needed help from anyone and rarely made herself available to help anyone.

She passed away from lung cancer last year, the only people around her were her children and spouses and her husband. Only her sister flew out (she has family out of state) to be present when she passed. It was sad.

On my side of the family, when a relative dies, hundreds of people show up and quite a few (some even friends) fly out to their funeral. 

Sorry, didn't mean to get so gloomy about this. I guess in the end, it's really how you want to live your life. Full of loving people or just you alone. 

It's great that you are independent. I was brought up very independent too (not the right way of course) but I love it when Mom makes food for me. It makes me feel special like I'm still her little girl and brings back memories of the good times in my childhood (the feeling of comfort and love). It also teaches me that I want to do the same for my kids and I hope that my kids can take that with them when they become parents.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

moonangel said:


> My mother-in-law was like you. She never needed help from anyone and rarely made herself available to help anyone.
> 
> She passed away from lung cancer last year, the only people around her were her children and spouses and her husband. Only her sister flew out (she has family out of state) to be present when she passed. It was sad.
> 
> On my side of the family, when a relative dies, hundreds of people show up and quite a few (some even friends) fly out to their funeral.
> 
> Sorry, didn't mean to get so gloomy about this. I guess in the end, it's really how you want to live your life. Full of loving people or just you alone.
> 
> It's great that you are independent. I was brought up very independent too (not the right way of course) but I love it when Mom makes food for me. It makes me feel special like I'm still her little girl and brings back memories of the good times in my childhood (the feeling of comfort and love). It also teaches me that I want to do the same for my kids and I hope that my kids can take that with them when they become parents.


Actually, I'm very willing to help others and I have a lot friends, more than I think sometimes. I just find it hard to depend on someone for things but I try to be very dependable and, if I can't help, I'll find someone who can.


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## moonangel

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Actually, I'm very willing to help others and I have a lot friends, more than I think sometimes. I just find it hard to depend on someone for things but I try to be very dependable and, if I can't help, I'll find someone who can.


You sound normal to me then. You don't need to depend on anyone for anything. As for standing on your own feet before taking care of a wife and children...don't be too hard on yourself on that. The wife can also take care of things...unless you are looking for a wife who can't then...um...I'm not sure why you would do that. If you are able to take care of yourself then your wife can do the same for herself. As for children, just know that both of you will need to sacrifice a lot to raise good children and this is really something nobody in the world can ever prepare for. You just have to rely on past experiences (childhood upbringing, etc) or those with experience to help you if you ever get stuck.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

moonangel said:


> You sound normal to me then. You don't need to depend on anyone for anything. As for standing on your own feet before taking care of a wife and children...don't be too hard on yourself on that. The wife can also take care of things...unless you are looking for a wife who can't then...um...I'm not sure why you would do that. If you are able to take care of yourself then your wife can do the same for herself. As for children, just know that both of you will need to sacrifice a lot to raise good children and this is really something nobody in the world can ever prepare for. You just have to rely on past experiences (childhood upbringing, etc) or those with experience to help you if you ever get stuck.


Thanks for that, I do think that I'm too hard on myself and push myself too hard. I've actually decided to really take a day off today, feels weird but nice to actually rest for a change. Actually, I would prefer a woman that can be a bit independent of me. Not that I'd wante her to be detached from me or vice versa, it's just that any number of things can happen to me and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew that she could pick up the slack for our family if need be but I'd love to take care of and provide for my wife.


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