# Wife's Ex is a Facebook friend



## Englishguy

Hi all, here's my dilemma. We've been married nearly 6 years, have two fantastic children, 4 & 2, nice house, confortable lifestyle. 

Recently (last 2/3 months) my wife has opened a facebook account, in her maiden name, although her status is married. Since I don't have one, a few of my friends (or their wives) are her 'FB friends'. She says its a great way to share pics etc with her old university friends & see thier pics of families etc. 

One of my friends recently moved abroad & I hadn't heard from him for a while so i went to my wife's FB site to see if there was any update from him/ his wife. I don't know my wife's password but somehow it just took me straight to her profile - I didn't hack it. About a month back she became 'FB friend' with an ex-boyfriend who she was seeing 9 years ago - just before I met her - and who 'broke her heart'. This guy was married with 3 children at the time, maybe still is, but he's moved to Barbados. I followed the link to his profile and I could see she'd sent a couple of comments to him (on his 'wall' I think they call it). 

Here's my issues - 1) I found this out by accident, but it may look like I was snooping, 2) I don't know if she searched for him, or vice versa, 3) I am uncomfortable about her being 'freindly' with this guy, and presumably him having access to all the pictures of our children, me, our friends, etc, 4) I can imagine her reaction if i struck up any sort of contact with any of my ex's. 

Is it unreasonable to be off with this behaviour? She hasn't 'fessed up' that she's made contact with this guy, so i find her silence a little suspicious. But I don't know how to approach her about it

Help!


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## Sensitive

My husband and I have Facebook accounts and connect to a lot of online friends on other sites. I was peeved when he was connected to a female he met secretly, and after being angry and almost divorcing over this affair, I still haven't asked him about why this **** is a Facebook friend of his. I decided to trust Hubby that he is separating online from real life and is still loyal to me as his wife. 

Go ahead and ask her, it sounds like it would help. Jealousy and suspicion is warranted here. Good luck.


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## revitalizedhusband

There's a reason my wife and I both know each other's FB passwords...we are completely open and honest with each other, no secrets.

Its not even that either of us log into the others FB ever, its just the idea that its possible that the other could log into ours.


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## Lavender

The fact that she hasnt mentioned it would make me Nutty....

I talk outloud about the forums .. sites I frequent & even usually send my husband links to them and encourage him to join me online where ever I go even though I know some of the places he would have no intrest in as I do..

But I still try and make sure he Knows he welcome where ever i view or post and when you dont get that back in return .. Little seed of suspicion always follows ... If I were you Id definetly ask why her new communication with an EX hasnt come up the last month.


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## GAsoccerman

:iagree: with Revitalized....we are open.

Also she is under her maiden name because this way she can connect to people she has known since childhood. 

I connected to a few female friends, I had to ask their "maiden" names when they be-friended me, becuase I did not know who they were by their married names.

My wife uses both.


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## Englishguy

Thanks for your comments, all of you. I'm glad you seem to think that I'm not out of line being suspicious of her secrecy. 

I guess the strange thing is that some of my friends are also her FB friends, so her 'messages' are in a really public arena, although none of my friends knew her before we met, so they maybe don't associate this guy's name as being an ex. Or I'd like to think they might have told me by now!

So I'm torn - she's doing this behind my back, but in front of mine and her friends - I don't understand it. 

This weekend we have a big family party, so i'm going to wait until its over before I approach her on this, I don't want to spoil the day if things go horribly wrong. Maybe I should ask her for her password so I can log-in and see what my friends have been up to, and see what she says? Or should I create my own FB log-in, then send her a friend request? Or are these cowardly methods, should I just say I went onto your FB - for innocent reasons -and found blah blah blah...

Bottom line is I feel like my whole family life is in the balance here, my kids mean the world to me, and I'm scared of her response, or it might be nothing and she'll laugh it off and zap him from being a FB friend, but even if she does, a line has been crossed...I'm asking you guys because I don't know how to bring this up with my mates...I really appreciate your input, even though we are all strangers...thanks


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## GAsoccerman

well not for nothing I am still friends with 90% of my old girlfriends, they send me messages on my "wall' the comment on my wife and kids, Face book is pretty open unless you send private messages.


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## wonder

i think you're over-reacting. this is a person she dated 9 yrs ago AND he now lives in another country. does she have to give you a list of all of her friends? 
i understand a part of you is questioning, we all have that part in us. but your marriage and family isn't in yrouble. if you must confront her about this, do it very gently coz she won't appreciate you ganging up on her over nothing
tell her you're thinking of opening an account and ask to see hers. if she won't show it to you, then you can be suspecious


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## Englishguy

Thanks Wonder. I'm glad you said that, to keep things in perspective. I don't have an issue with her being friends with anyone - I don't own her, but I am always open about things in my life (except this forum ;-)) with her, and if I happened to bump into an ex-girlfriend I would mention it...


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## Veronica Jackson

My ex bf is a FB friend, as a matter of fact I have another one on there too. One of my exes is the father of my kids, I'm also FB friends with his current gf. My husband's ex is on FB they have a kid together, she took me of her FB friend list. FB is nothing but a dramafest that causes nothing but trouble. 

No trouble here though cuz we trust each other and there's a reson why these people are exes.


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## revitalizedhusband

My wife uses her maiden name on FB and my name...her FB name (and I see this often with women) is listed as...

First Maiden Last..

Like if your name was Jennifer, maiden name Wilson, married name Smith...on FB you would list your name as

Jennifer Wilson Smith, thats what my wife does so old friends can find her while still using my name.


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## Unknown

I was recently in a similar situation although it wasn't online. 

My hubby has a past female co-worker who he was somewhat good friends (8 or 9 years ago?)...they don't talk much though..anyway, I've met her a few times and even partied with her twice. She's one down ass chick that I could see myself being good friends with but things just never worked that way. She's very beautiful so in the back of my mind, I could never understand why my hubby didn't like her...or maybe they had something and just never admitted it.

Well,...their relationship was usually exclusive...for example, they would meet up once in 3 years, whatever and it would just be the two of them. I never felt comfortable when my hubby and I were dating. Recently, he told me that he ran into her and she wanted to have coffee with him. I was waiting for an invite since his friend knew me as well.....but no....it was just the two of them. I felt hurt and I didn't like the sound of it...

I told him that it just doesn't seem right. If any of my family members or his family members saw them together,...it wouldn't be right. Secondly, any friend of ours should be BOTH our friends..especially when it is the opposite sex and we should both feel comfortable about that person. I think you should let your wife know how it makes you feel. My hubby took it very well.....I think that was because I waited until after the meet up to tell him so he wouldn't think that I didn't trust him or her. He respected my feelings.


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## Englishguy

OK, here's an update. I went home last night feeling more positive, and that I was over-reacting. She was out at Pilates last night, so I checked the history on the pc and FB appeared, as did her Hotmail login page(I don't have access to either, her Hotmail address is her maiden name too, same as FB, because she's had it for years). Couldn't resist checking FB - sure enough, another post to the Ex. That's every day since Monday, still no mention to me, and FB says they bacame FB friends around 1-2 weeks ago. 

Plus I know this guy has her email address as years ago she needed help using Hotmail and I saw a mail from him, then she said she just deleted his mails & ignored them. We have a family email account on a pc that's always on in the kitchen, and all her friends use that address - but the Hotmail login is appearing in the history regularly.

Late on I casually mentioned that my oversees friend & I had exchanged SMS and he'd suggested I look on FB - he moved house yesterday & said he'd post some pics of the new place. She said nothing, and became engrossed in reloading the dishwasher, and changed the subject. 

Am I paranoid?


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## martino

I'd be concerned not paranoid. Wondering why she hasn't mentioned it to you. If you ask her, she will hide all activity. 
Too much of this around these days Twitter, facebook, classmates, wife and I agreed to stay away from that stuff. Besides re-connecting with people in your past can be akward and boring. "What's new with you?" "Oh um i'm married and have 2 kids and work for _____" how boring I say.


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## ConfusedinColumbus

At a minimum, reason for pause (this was a guy she slept with and had feelings for). Hang back and monitor the situation for a while, give yourself time to get a better handle on the situation and avoid brining it up on a daily basis to your wife...this will cause frustration on her part and possibly worse, force her to go more covert if something is going on (ie. start of an EA).

Use this time to take inventory of your marriage, is there something she is missing? Is she happy (emotionally/physically). I am not suggesting she isn't the aforemetioned, but seize the opportunity to examen the status of your marriage and try to improve on the areas that may be in need of attention.

Last year, an old girlfriend from college tracked me down on classmates.com. We were close and dated seriously for some time. Haven't spoken/seen her in probably 15 years. I was very surprised to say the least. It was mildly exciting and of course, I was curious. However, I knew no good could come of this, so I answered two emails (mentioned my wife, kids, etc) and left it at that. She proceeded to email me first thing of Thanksgiving and mentioning she was thinking of me. At the time, it was days before I was going to her home town on business. I did not answer her last email, nor did I make mention of my then pending travel - as again, no good would come of this. 

Be upbeat, positive, and loving...but vigilant. You only know what you know, easy to read into things...only escalate the situation when she gives you reason to do so (you have something tangible...emails, texts, etc).

Best of luck and hang in there!


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## Englishguy

Thanks Confused & martino - I'm inclined to agree that all these get in touch with your past things can be a bit dangerous, the past is another country, they do things differently there, right? My issue is with the secrecy, not with having contact with your ex's per se, although personally I never feel the need, I live for today and tomorrow, and learn from yesterday. But that's my view, not necessarily hers. And I have quite a few ex's, didn't get married till my early 30s.

I'm trying to tell myself to calm down & keep watching from a distance, maybe this will all blow over & seem like nothing in a couple of weeks...but a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I even feel bad snooping around, but its hard not to. Once before I stumbled over an email to a girlfriend from her ex that lead to us breaking up (she was in fact having an affair with him, and he was married) so I guess I'm a little touchy. But that makes me maybe sound like a victim, and I'm not that sort of guy. But I guess you could say trust is extremely important to me...

And I take the comments about the happiness / status of our marriage, we have our ups and downs, but I'm trying to step back and take a fresh look...

You know the English don't usually do therapy in the same way as you guys in the US seem to, but I'd like to let you all know how helpful I am finding this forum and a chance to pour it all out. Thanks again


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## LaBella

Englishguy,

Keep an eye and have caution, but do not over react yet. 

I have a FB account same as my H, mine I opened it to keep an eye on my teenage daughter who has one, we are all friends on FB, I have a couple of ex boyfriends in there and I have been married for more than 20 yrs. I have 2 emails accounts and my whole family knows the passwords, so I have nothing to hide. I few months back one of my friends (no ex) from chldhood posted a message on FB regarding a so call relationship from us, when we were in K, and my H flip, but after a few days he realized that he was been ridiculous about his jelousy, the message was on my wall, for everybody to see, so he stop and he is Ok with it. I have tried to be more open and let him know when somebody sends me a friend request or message and we have no more problems.

If you are going to confront her, be open minded and do not accuse that is the worse way possible.

Good Luck


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## Englishguy

All - here's the update from last night. She works on Thursdays, so we both got home around the same time, bathed the children, then she had a pedicure appointment & went out for a bit, while I cooked dinner. After dinner, like a true Englishman, I took advantage of the nice weather and mowed the back lawn. Watching from the garden, as soon as I had started the mower she was up and stood at the pc, for about 15 minutes. Later I checked the history and, guess what, FB again. But this time, no post to the ex. 

Later on, she suggested I open a fb account, to keep in touch with some of my mates from around the world - a good sign? Because we have an unusual last name, fb required some verification before they'd let me set up an account, that happened overnight, so tonight I can set it up, although I'll be busy so i might wait until Sunday. 

So, I think, a positive development, and I'm playing it cool, and hoping that when i befriend her on fb she'll not have hidden the ex stuff, and life can return to normal, and I will try to learn to be more trusting. 

Thanks for all your comments, advice, sympathy and well-wishes...I hope I can update you all with some really good news after the weekend (for my own theraputic reasons, if nothing else)


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## sadness

Hi

I would be so mad!! You are being open with her about everything, so why can't she do the same?? Why don't you start you're own fb and try find out what's going on.

Speaking of ex...my husband still keeps her pics, letters and everything. Is this normal???


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## unclebob

*Re: Wife's Ex is a Facebook friendmaybe more*

I do not have anyone to talk to. My wife of nearly 3 years (both of us married before) told me before the marriage she wanted to keep one of her ex-boy friends as a friend; FB and email mostly, I agreed. She tells me I worry too much about she and him getting back together and that she rearly speaks to him by phone.

Recently I was sent a copy of their texting by an unknown source (he is married and was when they were seeing oneanother for over 7 years):

From: HIM
Friends? 
From: HER
Of course! Driving back from Cleveland right now.
From HIM
Visiting?
From: HER
No, dealer trade.
From: HIM
Perhaps meet for coffee sometime?
From: HER
Sure. Can you call me because texting is hard when you're driving. 
From: HIM
Phone is being monitored. Can tomorrow. OK call around noon? Somewhere in Greenwood perhaps? 

From: HER
Wed. Is bad. 

From: HIM
OK. Call you thursday noon. Meet for an afternoon drink?
From: HER
Sure, if I don't have a run. 
From: HIM
OK. Our companionship is something I really miss. Call you thursday at noon (her name)
From: HER
Ok. Have a great day!

I confronted her before they met. She apologized and told me she was going to tell me he had called her (we've had many arguments about him in the past).

My day off is Wednesday. Her reference to "Wed is bad." set me off. She said she did not say that because it was my day off but that she mave a run the next day. 


Should I drop this?


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## EleGirl

unclebob,

This is an old dead thread. You need to start your own thread in Coping with Infidelity. People can then give you support on your own thread


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## weightlifter

Zombie thread alert. 

Ubob start your own thread in the coping with infidelity section. Experienced posters in everything from attraction to evidence gathering hang there.

Btw. NOT good. You drove it underground.


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## DoF

Facebook, an easy way for people to contact you that otherwise would have 0 interest/friendship in your life.

No different than going to high school reunion. Having bunch of worthless people in your life that had no part in it at all.


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## The Middleman

unclebob said:


> Should I drop this?



No you shouldn't drop it. If I were you I'd be in touch with him and tell him to screw off and then let your wife what you did. It's she needs to know your not going to be a doormat.


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## spiros

most likely is nothing really to worry about. men and women do add their exes on facebook mainly because the sex was memorably great and because there was and there is mutual love.is not right to put boundaries to people and especially to those who share our life with. Though its frustrating to find out that the 'exclusivity' that you thought that you had ...someone else has it! life sucks ...but that's life. she married you but maybe (most likely) the sex with the other guy was 10 thousand times better. the fact that you have 2 amazing kids means nothing when a woman want to feel wanted sexy and she feels the need to remind to her self the passionate intimate sexual moments with her old flame.


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