# Trouble opening up to spouse



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

My wife has been seeing a therapist to work on "opening up" and talking about her feelings to others. Throughout her life, she has always kept her thoughts close likely due to being raised in a broken household (i.e., a defense mechanism). That said, she is almost 30 years old and continues to finds it difficult within our marriage to speak openly and honestly about issues affecting our marriage (e.g., life goals, desires, crushes, etc.). 

While I respect my wife's privacy and commend her for seeking help, I personally believe people in a committed marriage should be able to talk openly and honestly, especially about the things affecting the relationship. As she continues to struggle with opening up, how long should I wait as I am finding my patience running out. It has been over 6 months and while I have seen progress, I do not feel like we are anywhere close to where we need to be.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

She didn't get like that overnight, and it's probably going to take a long time for her to change her ways, so seeing a bit of progress is a great thing! At least she's willing to get some help in dealing with things, and is working towards a better marriage and closer relationship with you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Is there some large, looming issue that you are trying to get out of her or something? Otherwise, why the impatience about this? She is getting help, that is HUGE for people who keep things to themselves. This is going to take a lot for her, and you showing impatience will only hinder any progress she makes.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Make it safe for her to open up. Let her know that whatever she says, however she says it, the main thing is that you want to know what is in her heart. 

That is the important thing, getting that raw material out on the table. Then you know what you are working with.


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Is there some large, looming issue that you are trying to get out of her or something? Otherwise, why the impatience about this? She is getting help, that is HUGE for people who keep things to themselves. This is going to take a lot for her, and you showing impatience will only hinder any progress she makes.


She admitted to having a crush on her boss and still feels very attracted to him. This has been going on for 8 months. She has found herself having romantic dreams about him, and desires to work closely with him. I feel as though this is a threat to our marriage yet she continues to struggle with telling me the truth about her true feelings. I feel as if she must come clean with me on these feelings as I am struggling to be with someone who has eyes for someone else, yet tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. I need to know the truth, yet she has trouble conveying her true feelings. My patience is unfortunately wearing thin.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> She admitted to having a crush on her boss and still feels very attracted to him. This has been going on for 8 months. She has found herself having romantic dreams about him, and desires to work closely with him. I feel as though this is a threat to our marriage yet she continues to struggle with telling me the truth about her true feelings. I feel as if she must come clean with me on these feelings as I am struggling to be with someone who has eyes for someone else, yet tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. I need to know the truth, yet she has trouble conveying her true feelings. My patience is unfortunately wearing thin.


Attraction to men with power is pretty common among women. 

Has he indicated any interest in her?

If not, I think you are pretty safe. It is probably like a schoolgirl crush. And decent teachers try to discourage that sort of thing as much as possible.

The best thing you can do is just encourage her to share all her feelings with you, no matter how hurtful. Her feeling safe with you can really strengthen her connection to you. And talking about that kind of thing takes the power out of it.

I think she will look back one day and feel pretty silly about all this.


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Attraction to men with power is pretty common among women.
> 
> Has he indicated any interest in her?


Thank you for the advice. I know for a fact that she is drawn to his power, but he is only a few years older and single. I have no indication he has any interest in her, but they do travel together on business trips, work together on projects, participate in after work happy hours and professional association events. They seem to be friendly, although nothing out of the ordinary, when we have been to company events. I have been told by my wife that he has never shown any interest in her (which I do believe), but I can't help but be troubled that she continues to romantically desire to spend time with him when she knows it upsets me. She struggles telling me the full truth about this issue which also leads me to believe there is more to the story. 

It is unreasonable for me to expect her to take active measures to distance herself from this man or at least attempt to squash the feelings? I would never ask her to leave her job, but if she felt her feelings for another man were damaging our marriage, I would hope she would take measures to prevent that. I do not fault her for these feelings, but I am troubled that she has not done anything (to my knowledge) to address them and they seem to continue to grow unchecked. 

When I approach her about the issue, she has a difficult time conveying her feelings. I hope someone out there will be able to provide some advice as I am lost for what to do. I am trying to stay strong by her side, but finding it more difficult everyday.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> Thank you for the advice. I know for a fact that she is drawn to his power, but he is only a few years older and single. I have no indication he has any interest in her, but they do travel together on business trips, work together on projects, participate in after work happy hours and professional association events. They seem to be friendly, although nothing out of the ordinary, when we have been to company events. I have been told by my wife that he has never shown any interest in her (which I do believe), but I can't help but be troubled that she continues to romantically desire to spend time with him when she knows it upsets me. She struggles telling me the full truth about this issue which also leads me to believe there is more to the story.
> 
> It is unreasonable for me to expect her to take active measures to distance herself from this man or at least attempt to squash the feelings? I would never ask her to leave her job, but if she felt her feelings for another man were damaging our marriage, I would hope she would take measures to prevent that. I do not fault her for these feelings, but I am troubled that she has not done anything (to my knowledge) to address them and they seem to continue to grow unchecked.
> 
> When I approach her about the issue, she has a difficult time conveying her feelings. I hope someone out there will be able to provide some advice as I am lost for what to do. I am trying to stay strong by her side, but finding it more difficult everyday.


Again, it sounds like a crush a girl in school might have on her teacher. It will pass. 

Encourage her to talk about it. Teasing her about it, or otherwise using humor, could take a lot of power out of it, too.

I really do not think it is a threat, OP. Lots of women have crushes on authority figures. I have had tons. It does not "mean" anything, other than that I am attracted to power. Again, really common.

You could ask her what she finds attractive about him, and see if you could improve in those areas. Then she could be attracted to your power.

But really, I think she is going to outgrow it. Please try to reassure yourself until then.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jld said:


> Again, it sounds like a crush a girl in school might have on her teacher. It will pass.
> 
> Encourage her to talk about it. Teasing her about it, or otherwise using humor, could take a lot of power out of it, too.
> 
> ...


Ok, you CANNOT listen to this, because this is just not true... Grown women rarely get schoolgirl type crushes. Have no doubt, this is ABSOLUTELY a threat. What you have described does not sound like an innocent passing thing, where she just admires him, or finds him attractive. 

I have a very good married friend who JUST had a full blown physical affair. She is also one who would not open up with her feelings to her husband. She was texting and chatting with men she would be "friends" with and this one for whatever reason said or did the right things to get her to cross that line. You cannot mess around with this. Put your foot down, hard. Either this stops or you are out. She needs to find another job and cut this man out of her life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, you CANNOT listen to this, because this is just not true... Grown women rarely get schoolgirl type crushes. What you have described does not sound like an innocent passing thing, where she just admires him, or finds him attractive. Trying to "up your power" isnt going to help you, stopping this at the source (her) is the only way.
> 
> I have a very good married friend who JUST had a full blown physical affair. She is also one who would not open up with her feelings to her husband. She was texting and chatting with men she would be "friends" with and this one for whatever reason said or did the right things to get her to cross that line. You cannot mess around with this. Put your foot down, hard. Either this stops or you are out. She needs to find another job and cut this man out of her life.


My sister had a crush on her boss for a long time. She worked with him for several years. Nothing ever happened.

If you go asking her to leave her job for some unrequited feelings, OP, you are going to look like a joke to her. Very insecure move.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jld said:


> If you go asking her to leave her job for some unrequited feelings, OP, you are going to look like a joke to her. Very insecure move.


Says a person who has never cheated or had the horrible experience of being cheated ON.....

Not an insecure move at all.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Says a person who has never cheated or had the horrible experience of being cheated ON.....
> 
> Not an insecure move at all.


Totally disagree.

You are not going to stop a crush by forbidding it. 

You could destroy your marriage that way, though.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

TheDude135 said:


> My wife has been seeing a therapist to work on "opening up" and talking about her feelings to others. Throughout her life, she has always kept her thoughts close likely due to being raised in a broken household (i.e., a defense mechanism). That said, she is almost 30 years old and continues to finds it difficult within our marriage to speak openly and honestly about issues affecting our marriage (e.g., life goals, desires, crushes, etc.).
> 
> While I respect my wife's privacy and commend her for seeking help, I personally believe people in a committed marriage should be able to talk openly and honestly, especially about the things affecting the relationship. As she continues to struggle with opening up, how long should I wait as I am finding my patience running out. It has been over 6 months and while I have seen progress, I do not feel like we are anywhere close to where we need to be.
> 
> Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!


I guess I'm going to be the odd one out here, oh well. This is not ok. I'm a grown woman and do not wish to spend time with any other man besides my husband. Not only does she have romantic feelings for him, she is in a sense pursuing him. This has red flags all over it to me. What if he does take interest? Then a one sided crush turns into a full blown affair. This is very disrespectful from your wife. And I can't imagine her being too happy about this behaviour if the shoe were on the other foot. You have a right to feel safe with your wife and safe in your marriage, she has to be one hell of an indecent woman to.leave you in limbo like this. Business trips?? He is single, powerful and she is attracted to him with ample opportunity to act on it the moment he shows interest. I wouldn't care if she has "trouble opening up" if she were my husband is give her exactly 10 seconds to spill her guts or she would be out the door. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I'm sure you love your wife, and you know her better than we do. But she shouldn't get a free pass for this behaviour simply because the other man has shown no interest. There are bigger problems here rather than her closed lip syndrome. If you NEED answers to this to be happy with your marriage, you have every single RIGHT to demand them. Otherwise she should live elsewhere until she decides you are worth talking to.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You don't get trust by demanding it, folks. Trust is always earned.

Make her feel safe telling you all her feelings, OP. That is how you can earn her trust. That is how the power will go out of this crush.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Again...jld you have no experience with infidelity. 

You dont FORBID a crush. You state your boundaries. OP stated:

"she continues to romantically desire to spend time with him when she knows it upsets me. She struggles telling me the full truth about this issue which also leads me to believe there is more to the story."

OP can tell his wife that she is more than welcome to stay in this job, working closely with this man she has romantic desires for, but if that is what she chooses to do, then he will make the choice to not continue in the marriage. He needs to be ready to back this boundary up, otherwise he is just blowing hot air.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Again...jld you have no experience with infidelity.
> 
> You dont FORBID a crush. You state your boundaries. OP stated:
> 
> ...


And that would shut her down further from sharing her feelings with him.

Or she may start outright lying to him.

Being heavy handed is likely to backfire on you, OP. You need some soft skills to handle this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The only opening up needed in this relationship is you opening your front door and helping your "wife" out.She is gaslighting you and you are swallowing it.Eventually she is going to tell you they flirted but nothing happened,then she will say they kissed but no more.When you do nothing about it she will take it as you giving her permission to cheat.She is not a demure teenager,too shy to speak about her feelings.The only person she is not being open with is you.
This attraction to power is true enough,I have seen it often enough myself but your wife's boss is a single man,he never promised you anything at the altar and if you believed there is nothing going on then I have a bridge to sell in Brooklyn that you may be interested in.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> The only opening up needed in this relationship is you opening your front door and helping your "wife" out.She is gaslighting you and you are swallowing it.Eventually she is going to tell you they flirted but nothing happened,then she will say they kissed but no more.When you do nothing about it she will take it as you giving her permission to cheat.She is not a demure teenager,too shy to speak about her feelings.The only person she is not being open with is you.
> This attraction to power is true enough,I have seen it often enough myself but your wife's boss is a single man,he never promised you anything at the altar and if you believed there is nothing going on then I have a bridge to sell in Brooklyn that you may be interested in.


You're stoking fear, Andy. Paranoia helps no one.

My sister worked years with her boss with nothing going on. _Nothing._


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

jld said:


> You don't get trust by demanding it, folks. Trust is always earned.


I agree with this statement. I will point out that this back and forth is exactly what my mind struggles with. Someday's I feel as if all is right in the world and everything will be OK as long as I stay patient trustworthy, and present, while other days I feel doomed that we are merely prolonging the inevitable. It is a constant battle and I wish I was stronger to be able to handle it better. 

I guess everyone has different experiences, and I can only hope mine turns out alright. I guess this is what they mean when they told us, "marriage takes work." 

That said, I also agree about setting boundaries and am troubled that my wife has not done anything to squash these feelings (to my knowledge). I do not feel the need to reiterate our boundaries as those were set in stone when we took our vows. Those have not changed. 

My concern about playing the heavy hand is that my wife will never open up to me with the truth nor trust me with her true feelings. I feel I need her to trust me in order for her to tell me what is in her heart, and once I know for sure what is going on, I feel as if only then we can address what is there. In my mind there is no use speculating, as tough as that may be. 

Thanks to all so far.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> I agree with this statement. I will point out that this back and forth is exactly what my mind struggles with. Someday's I feel as if all is right in the world and everything will be OK as long as I stay patient trustworthy, and present, while other days I feel doomed that we are merely prolonging the inevitable. It is a constant battle and I wish I was stronger to be able to handle it better.
> 
> I guess everyone has different experiences, and I can only hope mine turns out alright. I guess this is what they mean when they told us, "marriage takes work."
> 
> Thanks to all so far.


Marriage is a growth opportunity. 

Are you two in counseling? Couples or individual counseling?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheDude135 said:


> My wife has been seeing a therapist to work on "opening up" and talking about her feelings to others. Throughout her life, she has always kept her thoughts close likely due to being raised in a broken household (i.e., a defense mechanism). That said, she is almost 30 years old and continues to finds it difficult within our marriage to speak openly and honestly about issues affecting our marriage (e.g., life goals, desires, crushes, etc.).
> 
> While I respect my wife's privacy and commend her for seeking help, I personally believe people in a committed marriage should be able to talk openly and honestly, especially about the things affecting the relationship. As she continues to struggle with opening up, how long should I wait as I am finding my patience running out. It has been over 6 months and while I have seen progress, I do not feel like we are anywhere close to where we need to be.
> 
> Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!


Your W needs to feel safe to opening up without ridicule, laughter or judging. My W was similar. It took baby steps for my W start opening up. If I had made one remark that would make her feel she regretted opening up on something she would stop. The process starting over. I learned to shut it and listen.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> You're stoking fear, Andy. Paranoia helps no one.
> 
> My sister worked years with her boss with nothing going on. _Nothing._


I own a business (God I wish I didn't)with exactly fifty four female employees,I bought it in a moment of weakness (or stupidity)Nine of them have made it clear they would like to sleep with me.I don't mean flirting or being over affectionate I mean they have made it clear as day if I want a quickie then they will be ready.
All of them are in relationships.
As am I.And they all know my gf.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheDude135 said:


> She admitted to having a crush on her boss and still feels very attracted to him. This has been going on for 8 months. She has found herself having romantic dreams about him, and desires to work closely with him. I feel as though this is a threat to our marriage yet she continues to struggle with telling me the truth about her true feelings. I feel as if she must come clean with me on these feelings as I am struggling to be with someone who has eyes for someone else, yet tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. I need to know the truth, yet she has trouble conveying her true feelings. My patience is unfortunately wearing thin.


Sir, your W is having an emotional affair with the boss. Calling it like it is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Your W needs to feel safe to opening up without ridicule, laughter or judging. My W was similar. It took baby steps for my W start opening up. If I had made one remark that would make her feel she regretted opening up on something she would stop. The process starting over. I learned to shut it and listen.


This is good, but I think he also needs to actively cultivate her trust. 

Do you know her love language, OP?


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Are you two in counseling? Couples or individual counseling?


My wife is in individual therapy working on "lowering her defenses" and "expressing her emotions," but she is also there to talk about her mothers battle with cancer which has been really tough on her.

I have proposed couples counseling, but I am told she does not feel we need it, but would be willing to go. Not sure how to read that one...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why are you so afraid to tell your wife there is only room for one man in your marriage? What scares you from telling her this as a boundary and you will move on if she can't live with that? Are you willing to be married to someone who has feelings for other men? Or is it your belief that it's not okay to voice to your wife what you will or won't accept? My wife of more than forty years is a grown woman and can do as she wants. I don't tell her what to do, but she knows explicitly it will be without me if she looks to another. There is only room for two in a marriage, not three.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> This is good, but I think he also needs to actively cultivate her trust.
> 
> Do you know her love language, OP?


His W is in an emotional affair with the boss. Boss is in close proximity. Not a good situatoin.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Sir, your W is having an emotional affair with the boss. Calling it like it is.


A one-sided emotional affair. Also known as a crush.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheDude135 said:


> My wife is in individual therapy working on "lowering her defenses" and "expressing her emotions," but she is also there to talk about her mothers battle with cancer which has been really tough on her.
> 
> I have proposed couples counseling, but I am told she does not feel we need it, but would be willing to go. Not sure how to read that one...


Couples counseling? Bring the boss as he is also in the marriage currently. Waste of time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> A one-sided emotional affair. Also known as a crush.


And it is distracting the marriage. One sided for now until what? Until the OP W who appears to be fence sitting will make it two sided affair.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> My wife is in individual therapy working on "lowering her defenses" and "expressing her emotions," but she is also there to talk about her mothers battle with cancer which has been really tough on her.
> 
> I have proposed couples counseling, but I am told she does not feel we need it, but would be willing to go. Not sure how to read that one...


Take her up on the offer. It can only help.

It sounds like she is going through a lot. Really important to be supportive of her right now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> And it is distracting the marriage. One sided for now until what? Until the OP W who appears to be fence sitting will make it two sided affair.


The boss is not interested. This crush is not going anywhere.


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> Why are you so afraid to tell your wife there is only room for one man in your marriage?


I know she already knows this. I fear that my emphasis on this point over and over will only force her to build barriers and not fully share what is in her heart. I need to know the truth first, before I can jump to any conclusions. Maybe I am being naive.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here this may help you some... No More Mr Nice Guy, Dr Glover

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

Best


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheDude135 said:


> I know she already knows this. I fear that my emphasis on this point over and over will only force her to build barriers and not fully share what is in her heart. I need to know the truth first, before I can jump to any conclusions. Maybe I am being naive.


What truth are you looking for? What is your question to your W that she will not answer?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I own a business (God I wish I didn't)with exactly fifty four female employees,I bought it in a moment of weakness (or stupidity)Nine of them have made it clear they would like to sleep with me.I don't mean flirting or being over affectionate I mean they have made it clear as day if I want a quickie then they will be ready.
> All of them are in relationships.
> As am I.And they all know my gf.


And nothing is going to happen because you are not interested. Nothing to worry about.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> I know she already knows this. I fear that my emphasis on this point over and over will only force her to build barriers and not fully share what is in her heart. I need to know the truth first, before I can jump to any conclusions. Maybe I am being naive.


Don't give in to the paranoia being cultivated in this thread, OP. It will not help your relationship.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

TheDude135 said:


> I know she already knows this. I fear that my emphasis on this point over and over will only force her to build barriers and not fully share what is in her heart. I need to know the truth first, before I can jump to any conclusions. Maybe I am being naive.


This is not about her, it's about you! She is a grown woman and should act as such. If she's getting help with that, good. But that doesn't mean that common expectations and normal marital boundaries should be lowered because of it. If they are it's called enabling.

You can only change yourself. You can not change her. Only she can do that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> Don't give in to the paranoia being cultivated in this thread, OP. It will not help your relationship.


If I may ask, has the OP inquired with his W boss if there is any interest or he has been told by his W that the boss has not interest?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm confused. 

You said she's not open with you, but she did tell you about her attraction to her boss? Or if she didn't openly tell you, how did you find out? 

Why did she tell you? If there's really nothing to it, it seems hurtful to tell your spouse that you are attracted to someone else. Especially if that someone else is someone in her life that she spends 40+ hours with a week. 

And - if she knows she is attracted, what is she doing to protect her marriage from her own attraction? You can't help who you work with in most cases, but does she really have to attend happy hours with him? Go out of her way to spend extra time with him? All this time together feeds the attraction. 

How much time is she spending with you vs the boss (or at work in general)?

In my opinion, it's normal to develop attractions for people outside your marriage. However, it's also your individual responsibility as a spouse to recognize what is happening and put up some walls to protect your own marriage. 

Innocent crushes can turn into more if she is constantly comparing him to you and vice versa in her mind. A crush usually implies some level of fairy tale thinking. Again...normal. But there's a spectrum to it and it's her responsibility to catch herself and make sure she's not spending mental energy cultivating a relationship with her boss when that mental energy should be spent on cultivating the relationship with her husband. Even if the boss isn't interested...I don't see how it is beneficial to your marriage for her mind to be occupied by this. 

Just my opinion. 

Does she talk about the crush in therapy?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> This is not about her, it's about you! She is a grown woman and should act as such. If she's getting help with that, good. But that doesn't mean that common expectations and normal marital boundaries should be lowered during because of it. If they are it's called enabling.


What expectations? What marital boundaries?

Again, you are not going to be successful at policing her feelings. You can only invite her to share them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> If I may ask, has the OP inquired with his W boss if there is any interest or he has been told by his W that the boss has not interest?


I don't think he has asked him if he is aware of his wife's crush on him, no. How awkward. And what a trust breaker for something that is going nowhere.

His wife said it is not coming from the boss, iirc.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What you could do, OP, is gently explain how she may be hurting herself, giving herself pain, by continuing to be around someone she is so drawn to, but cannot be with in that way. You could also be supportive of her changing jobs, if that is what she feels could help her.

But really, your best choice is just to strengthen the relationship by making it safe to talk to you, by practicing her love language, and by being supportive during her mother's illness. The counseling could offer more ideas, too.
@MEM2020

Could you please share your experience with your wife's crush here? OP may find it helpful. Thank you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TheDude135 said:


> I know she already knows this. I fear that my emphasis on this point over and over will only force her to build barriers and not fully share what is in her heart. I need to know the truth first, before I can jump to any conclusions. Maybe I am being naive.


You ARE being naive.Forget the psycho babble,you need to make your wife understand that your marriage has boundaries and if they are crossed then you will divorce her.She can sit there wringing her hands and saying nobody understands me while all the time waiting for one word of encouragement from her boss and that will be it.You need to man up and your wife needs a new job.
If you have a problem with alcohol you don't spend forty hours a week with a bottle of whiskey next to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> I don't think he has asked him if he is aware of his wife's crush on him, no. How awkward. And what a trust breaker for something that is going nowhere.
> 
> His wife said it is not coming from the boss, iirc.


At this juncture the W states she has crush on the boss. The boss is not interests according to the W. How does the OP know for sure this is the case? For me, a spouse openly admitting a crush on a person they are around everyday is concerning. But that is just me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> At this juncture the W states she has crush on the boss. The boss is not interests according to the W. How does the OP know for sure this is the case? For me, a spouse openly admitting a crush on a person they are around everyday is concerning. But that is just me.


Openly admitting it is part of what makes it unconcerning to me.

What is hidden is what you may want to fear. Bringing it out in the open takes a lot of power out of it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Openly admitting it is part of what makes it unconcerning to me.
> 
> What is hidden is what you may want to fear. Bringing it out in the open takes a lot of power out of it.


There is also hiding something in broad daylight.If she happens to mention him in conversation a bit too often,hubby will probably pay no heed.He already has his head in the sand,encouraging him to keep it there is not really helping.


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## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Openly admitting it is part of what makes it unconcerning to me.
> 
> What is hidden is what you may want to fear. Bringing it out in the open takes a lot of power out of it.


Unfortunately, I found out about the crush by reading her journal months ago. I know I betrayed her trust as she holds her journal very close to her (like her thoughts) but I felt this was the only way I could see how she truly felt. This was a huge fight which she has still not gotten over. That said, there was lot of information in there I found troubling. I realize she uses her journal to vent and a means of therapy, and you cannot judge a person by what they journal about, but I fear at some point these private thoughts can manifest in real life. I guess it is case by case, but that is how I know. Maybe I need to stop thinking in hypothetical and looks at the facts and actions, rather than journals and thoughts. I am still working on regaining her trust after that one which is likely part of the problem.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> There is also hiding something in broad daylight.If she happens to mention him in conversation a bit too often,hubby will probably pay no heed.He already has his head in the sand,encouraging him to keep it there is not really helping.


On the contrary, I am encouraging him to help her open up.

Andy, and I say this respectfully, you have some control issues, correct?

Being controlling is not going to help OP. It is not going to invite his wife's trust. He cannot control her heart.

This unrequited crush is a small thing in the scheme of life. Best use it as an opportunity to deepen your communication with her, OP. A strong marital bond, with transparent communication, will go far towards affairproofing any marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TheDude135 said:


> Unfortunately, I found out about the crush by reading her journal months ago. I know I betrayed her trust as she holds her journal very close to her (like her thoughts) but I felt this was the only way I could see how she truly felt. This was a huge fight which she has still not gotten over. That said, there was lot of information in there I found troubling. I realize she uses her journal to vent and a means of therapy, and you cannot judge a person by what they journal about, but I fear at some point these private thoughts can manifest in real life. I guess it is case by case, but that is how I know. Maybe I need to stop thinking in hypothetical and looks at the facts and actions, rather than journals and thoughts. I am still working on regaining her trust after that one which is likely part of the problem.


Her behavior was enough to make you suspicious enough to dig. And look, YOU WERE RIGHT. Stop apologizing to her for this, she is the one who is being emotionally unfaithful to you, there is no need for YOU to be tippy toeing around trying gain HER trust! She is in the wrong, and only a strong approach is going to turn her around. Take it from the people here who have been there (and that is NOT the one suggesting that you kiss her ass). I have both been the cheater and the cheated, and I am telling you, if you screw around with this, your wife is good as laid by another man.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> A one-sided emotional affair. Also known as a crush.


Until the boss fancies a quickie and then the siht will hit the fan.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> Unfortunately, I found out about the crush by reading her journal months ago. I know I betrayed her trust as she holds her journal very close to her (like her thoughts) but I felt this was the only way I could see how she truly felt. This was a huge fight which she has still not gotten over. That said, there was lot of information in there I found troubling. I realize she uses her journal to vent and a means of therapy, and you cannot judge a person by what they journal about, but I fear at some point these private thoughts can manifest in real life. I guess it is case by case, but that is how I know. Maybe I need to stop thinking in hypothetical and looks at the facts and actions, rather than journals and thoughts. I am still working on regaining her trust after that one which is likely part of the problem.


Wow. I thought she told you freely. 

Well, my advice remains the same. You two have to rebuild the trust, if she is still interested in being married to you. 

You are not obliged to stay with her, either, of course. If your own trust has been too shaken, you are certainly free to leave.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Until the boss fancies a quickie and then the siht will hit the fan.


It does not sound like that was in the diary.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> On the contrary, I am encouraging him to help her open up.
> 
> Andy, and I say this respectfully, you have some control issues, correct?
> 
> ...


I have no control issues.
As long as people do exactly what I want them to.lol.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

jld said:


> What expectations? What marital boundaries?
> 
> Again, you are not going to be successful at policing her feelings. You can only invite her to share them.



I am not here to answer your ridiculously obvious questions. I come here to speak to the OP. To give the OP one idea, amongst others, for him to choose from. To let hin determine what suits his abilities and fits his situation. Allowing the OP see his situation through different views empowers him with many new ideas to solve his dilemma. 

I believe you mean well, but IMO... It is you who is going from post to post, trying to police ideas other than you own. It is you who is trying to control the narrative instead of allowing your ideas and those of others to stand on their own. For the benefit of the OP, control yourself and keep your points to the OP. Stop throwing grenades into threads because they don't go your way. It's not helpful to the OP.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> I am not here to answer your ridiculously obvious questions. I come here to speak to the OP. To give the OP one idea, amongst others, for him to choose from. To let hin determine what suits his abilities and fits his situation. Allowing the OP see his situation through different views empowers him with many new ideas to solve his dilemma.
> 
> I believe you mean well, but IMO... It is you who is going from post to post, trying to police ideas other than you own. It is you who is trying to control the narrative instead of allowing your ideas and those of others to stand on their own. For the benefit of the OP, control yourself and keep your points to the OP. Stop throwing grenades into threads because they don't go your way. It's not helpful to the OP.


OP, do you want me to stop posting? Just let me know.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> OP, do you want me to stop posting? Just let me know.


Your advice at the start of the thread was misleading but only because you thought that the op and his wife had discussed her attraction to her boss face to face.He had actually read her journal months ago and she has still not forgiven him.This is gaslighting at its finest,she wants to cheat but it's his fault for finding out.He needs to either work to save his marriage or else divorce.Telling him to earn her trust is just not going to help,if he lets this situation carry on then his wife will try it on with her boss,he may rebuff but that's not a lot of comfort to the op.
Also her boss is single,available and she is around him every workday.Who knows what stories she has told him about the op.
This marriage either needs saving or should be let die,and it will die if nothing changes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You already know she has romantic feelings for her boss. What are you expecting her to be open about? Are you looking for a day-to-day, blow-by-blow of her interactions and fantasies? That's death by a thousand cuts.

Her boss can't be deaf, dumb and blind. If he hasn't shut it down after 8 months of her simpering after him, then something's up. 

You are her husband and not her therapist or girlfriend. Do not engage in convos regarding her feelings toward another man. All you need to hear is her renewed commitment to you and a whole boatload of apologies for putting you through this sh!t. In your mind, set a deadline for this nonsense to end.

And, yeah, grown women who are married do not have crushes. And, they especially do not run to daddy to make them feel better. Cause guess what? Husbands have feelings, too.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> You don't get trust by demanding it, folks. Trust is always earned.
> 
> 
> 
> Make her feel safe telling you all her feelings, OP. That is how you can earn her trust. That is how the power will go out of this crush.




Totally disagree. 

From my personal experience that does work. 

She needs to leave her job. It is a danger to his marriage. 

I did the business travel, happy hour thing. 

Imo she already had sex with the boss.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> And that would shut her down further from sharing her feelings with him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She already is lying to him or not telling him the whole truth


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> You're stoking fear, Andy. Paranoia helps no one.
> 
> 
> 
> My sister worked years with her boss with nothing going on. _Nothing._




Because your sister is not attracted to her boss. 

Some of us are speaking from experience JLD. 

It is not paranoia. It is reality.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Because your sister is not attracted to her boss.
> 
> Some of us are speaking from experience JLD.
> 
> It is not paranoia. It is reality.


And that is the point I was trying to make.If there is no mutual attraction then nothing will happen.But if there is.......


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> And that is the point I was trying to make.If there is no mutual attraction then nothing will happen.But if there is.......


He doesn't have to be that attracted to her to take advantage of what's offered.


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