# EA is killing me - help!



## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

I would like to thank anyone who can give me advice on this-or tell me i am overreacting. I can take the truth please.

LONG story short- my wife looked up a long lost love on a dare from coworkers. they convinced her to call this guy. she had preveously told me that she loved him(way before knowing me).
She set up a hidden email account and became obsesed with this guy. all behind my back. she got sloppy and i found out. naked photos to her of him and all.

I confronted both of them, we saw a counsler and it apparently stopped.
About 5 years ago it happened again, did the same thing all over. She insisted that they were just friends. We live 1/2 the country away from him.
1 1/2 year ago we had problems and i found out she is still having the EA with him. Again insisted they are just friends.

last month found hard evidence that it's still going on and hidden from me, naked photo with a faily recent file creation date. started to find his phone numbers on the cell phone bill. Found all kinds of written documents that indicate this has been going on for 1 1/2 years and she has been obsesed with him. also found a map to his house from ours. the date was only two weeks before i was to take a trip with scouts, but the trip fell through and i did not go. she had a depresive breakdown shortly after my trip got cancelled. 

checked her phone and found that she only deleted the calls to and from him from her history.

she has her own work computer that i cannot get into, that i am sure they have been e mailing and IM each other.

HELP- i have been sitting on this watching the patterns. I have an appointment next week with the counsler and intend on confronting her with this hard evidence at that time with him as a mediator. I think she needs to make a choice here. I would like her to call this guy on speaker phone while at the counsler and confront him at the same time. this way there will be no way they can cnstruct a lie.

Am I insane or what here. I fell very betrayed and am very hurt and angry. Should I call his wife? Send her copies of the documents and photos i have? 

Please help me. Thank you to anyone who reads all of this and understands.

I am a good man and have worked very hard to be emotionally connected to my wife, but she still is very distant with me and seems to not have any emotional connect with me. I spend all my time with my family and children. 

She constantly tells me how good I am to her. She say's she doesn't deserve me. When we have sex, it's good, but hard for me, because i keep wondering if she is fantasing that I am him. She only tells me she loves me if I say it first. She also has stopped wearing her wedding bands..say's they are too small. I looked, they seem to be the same size as other rings she has.

I also want to get even with him, confront him, but everything i read said not to. Should I get even somehow.
??

ok I babbled, but sorry...in pain...again thanks to any posts that can help me or the situation.

DB


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are a good man. And no, she doesn't deserve you. 

I would confront her but you need to have some teeth behind your request. 

I would tell her that on no uncertain terms that she has done this for the last time. That she WILL call him in front of both you and the counselor. 

If she does not, you better have a consequence prepared. Taking away something that she values. Like say your marriage.

Tell her she'll do it, or you file for separation and divorce so she can go and live the life she wants to live. No anger, just fact


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

thanks Inforthe. I am feeling pretty lost. I do not want to loose her or go through a divorce, but that is the only option I see right now. I am planning on telling her that if she chooses him, then she can just take her clothing and her suv and the map and just go to him...I may even call him and his wife toi tell them that she is on her way. I do not know what else to do here. 
Thanks for your input. I was hoping for other advice as well. I am feeling very hurt and lost. it has been very hard to watch and see this going on without having a blow up with her. so you think waiting to do it with the counsler is the best time and place?

again..thanks for your input here


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I agree with Init, but the calmer and "colder" you do it the worse it will feel for her.

I would NOT get into an argument or yelling match.

Place the evidence in front of her, tell her to make a choice, call him now and tell him you never want to talk/email/IM/whatever with him every again that you are happily married, or you will file for divorce and she can go live with him.

There is no middle ground, you have to make her choose one or the other. Do it calmly, do it with almost an "I could care less which one you choose" attitude, and it will really eat at her.

Be ready for the chance that she says she won't call him or she chooses him and be ready to walk right out of there and head home to pack your stuff and/or head to a lawyer's office.


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

hi revitalized. thanks. as much as I do not want her to leave, i am going to go insane. I am prepaired for that. she is going to leave our kids with me as well. 
I just do not understand how she can be emotionally connected to him, and at the same time living in what now seems like a pretent marriage. I mean, the fact that it would seem that she is sharing all of her intimate thoughts with him and not me is just destroying me and I do not understand it. i have tried very hard to be a good emotionally supportive husband. I just do not know what more I have. I keep wondering what does this guy have that i don't. I do know that it is not my fault, and if it is, why would she have not talked with me so we can make our lives and marriage tighter and more connected...that is what i have been trying to do with her
thanks revital


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> last month found hard evidence that it's still going on and hidden from me, naked photo with a faily recent file creation date. started to find his phone numbers on the cell phone bill. Found all kinds of written documents that indicate this has been going on for 1 1/2 years and she has been obsesed with him. also found a map to his house from ours. t*he date was only two weeks before i was to take a trip with scouts, but the trip fell through and i did not go. she had a depresive breakdown shortly after my trip got cancelled.*


When someone expects to be doing something exciting *some time in the future*, dopamine levels go through the roof. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gets triggered by the anticipation of excitement. It also rises sharply just before an addict gets his fix. If the planned exciting event gets called off, the dopamine levels crash and it can cause a temporary depression.

So basically your wife is addicted to excitement. She loves you, but she is not excited by you. I suspect that the reason for this is that you are just too nice. Are you a doormat at all? Sometimes women like a man to be firm and have a bit of a dark side. 

Just by changing your perception slightly you could manifest more of the traits that she would find sexy. We can't change human nature we have to work with it.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

DB in PA..


I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It never ceases to amaze me when I read posts like this, that people can hurt each other that much. 

What your wife has done/is doing, is deplorable. 

I wouldn't confront the man in the picture, as it can really probably only go very badly. As for confronting his wife, well, I guess I'd ask the therapist about that one. 
You will have to call her out on the carpet at the session, and don't let her back talk her way out of it. 

Bring in every bit of evidence you have, not so it's like an episode of Dragnet, just so that she can't lie her way out of it, and tell the therapist that you're imagining things. If you have copies of the emails she's sent, or cell phone records... I'd bring them, because the very first part of this, and the thing that has to happen first, is for her to admit to what she's doing, admit it's wrong, and acknowledge that it's hurting you. 

I think it's always worth a shot at fixing. Marriage is a lifetime commitement, and you're doing your part to try and make it work, and fix the problems that are there. She has to work too though, and she's the one who's being unfaithful. Yes, her emotional affair, is a form of infedility. If ultimately she won't own up to what she's done, and continues to try and trivialize it.... then there may not be any resolution, except to split. 

But as they say, anything is possible, so give it a go. Try your best , and see if therapy works, and if she won't change her ways, cut off all contact with this man, and realize that she's hurt you tremendously, then at least when you leave, you'll know you gave it your all.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> She constantly tells me how good I am to her. She say's she doesn't deserve me.
> 
> 
> DB


Confrontation time.

DB, When you confront her. In front of the counselor.

I would use her line. And say:

"You always tell me how good I am to you and that you don't deserve me. Let's see what you think I deserve.

I deserve to be your second choice.

I deserve to be lied to about your EA with ****.
for most of our marriage.

I deserve to watch you love someone who has given you nothing. While I have given you my life.

I deserve to find your love and sex letters when you're sloppy, that tear me apart.

I deserve to lose sleep worrying about my marriage.

I deserve to depressed.

I deserve to see my wife take off her wedding rings and tell me that "they're too small", when we they look the same size as all your other rings. And if they were too small, we could have them re sized. But like our marriage they are just not that important to you.

*Now l will tell you what I don't deserve. I don't deserve being treated like this. In short I don't deserve you.

And being that I am the only one working to keep us together and that you would prefer to be with you old boyfriend. I am saying when. I have filed for divorce. I have notified the other mans wife with all your e-mails, and just how long this has been going on. I have notified all our friends and family and will send them the contents of your correspondence if I have to. You're right you don't deserve me. I am better then you . And one day I will find someone who deserves the love I have to give. 
*

Now you may want to still save your marriage. I think this is the only way. For years, you have allowed her to treat you this way with no consequences. Why do you think she keeps it up? Because it never her cost her more then your displeasure and pain. She has had a cake walk. The fact is your marriage has been more important then her cheating. What have you accomplished? Nothing. The question is now whether you are ready to cut bait or fish?
You say that you can't live this way. Then if you can't live this way.......don't. Your wife has to believe she is losing everything. You, the kids, the family, her respect, her reputation in her extended family...EVERYTHING. People don't value something until they have lost it. Now the next question. Are you ready to either effect a change in her and risk that your marriage ends? Or keep the status quo and live the rest of your marriage in the shadow of the other man. KICK HER A$$ OUT! Since she is the cheater. Tell her that she will leave, and if she makes a fuss tell her that all the contents of her e-mails will be shared with her family and friends, along with the address and phone# of your POSOM (piece of sh!t other man).

It's up to you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Confrontation time.
> 
> DB, When you confront her. In front of the counselor.
> 
> ...


You seem to love confrontation. But that misses the point that by looking to see if we bring life's lessons on ourselves, we have the power to change the one thing we can control - ourself.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You seem to love confrontation. But that misses the point that by looking to see if we bring life's lessons on ourselves, we have the power to change the one thing we can control - ourself.


No I don't love confrontation. I love resolution. You seem to dislike action to resolve an issue. You seem to like to ponder the intricacies of male and female interpersonal relations and the dynamics of the.....blah,blah,blah. That's your style. We have gone round and round b4. I have stated my beliefs on this web several time. As you have. You feel that waiting, delaying, pondering, negotiating, contemplating, considering, anything but decisions are called for. DB has put up with a wife who for YEARS has had an emotional relationship, that is pretty much ruining the mans life. Look the man is here because he is at the end of his rope. So what is your advice? As always.....give him more rope. Where I prefer to give advice that brings resolution. Now I can listen to you. Or I can listen to the victims and the cheating spouses appreciation through these threads and through the e-mails I get thanking me for the impact I have on them, and how it has helped them. Or I can listen to you. Let me think...........................I've decided. I am going to listen to them. 

Mark twain. It's almost like you have an obsession with my postings. you follow me around and call into question my right to post because I have a strong marriage. And can't speak authoritatively, because I don't know what being cheated on is like. Or how I'm judgmental, or confrontational, or angry. You know what you don't do. You don't argue the points I make. You are full of compassion, which is admirable. But I find your methods to be ineffectual. My suggestions are black and white. And people can take my advice or not. But you don't like that. You don't like strong opinions. How weak is that? I believe people come here for advice because they can't see a way out of their situation. I give them encouragement to take action. You give them gray oatmeal.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> My suggestions are black and white. And people can take my advice or not. But you don't like that. You don't like strong opinions. How weak is that? I believe people come here for advice because they can't see a way out of their situation. I give them encouragement to take action. You give them gray oatmeal.


If you look back at my posts when I first joined this board, they were more like yours. Then I had an epiphany where I saw that my getting hot under the collar was a sign that I was trying to live vicariously through other people. So I changed tack and started trying to help them find their own solutions.

I realised that my desire to "fix" the outside world was often a symptom of things I needed to fix in myself.


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Thanks mark and initforthe...I have talked to some close friends..they are in support of me and my children..Tuesday is our meeting..it's been hard not blowing up and having a big fight..not what i want to do with the kids around...I have decided that the worst will probably happen. she will freak..deny it all and say that i am imagining this wrong doing, but everyone agrees that she is wrong. i have listened to everyone and what i have read and as much as it is hard to..have stuck to the plan. i feel the counsler will be a good advocate and hopefully help her to understand that this is wrong. 
Thanks for the advice and best to both of you.

DB


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How did tuesday go DB?


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Hi Inirfortheduration - Thanks for checking back to this post...say's you concerned somehow.
I found even worse evidence before tuesday happened. I found her hidden gmail account and was able to gain control of it. It amazed me that I know(or thought that i did) my wife wll enought that i guessed her question on the third try. Anyway, what I saw and read in there was devestating. Only things that a husband and wife should talk about. We had the confrontation Sunday 5 days ago. She tried to lie at first, and deny that the account was not hers, that it was someone elses. I just looked right in her eyes and said that she needed to stop lying, that I knew the truth, and that if she lied she could pack the car right now and go the 12 hour drive to be with him. I admit...i flipped. anyway...she sat there and just satred at all of this evidence and broke down and admited everything.....she went back to bed for the whole day and we did not talk...she did not leave...said that's not what she wanted..it was hard to do this because our two children were awake and at home.
So she agreed to go to the counsler and admited it all to him. She told him that I had every right to leave her, but that she did love me abd that this was never physical..just attention she say's she needed from me. He was pretty up front with her..i was surprised. So he told her that this will be very hard..that she needed to tolerate my actions and behavior..that i am justified. We made a commitment to work this out, both of us knowing that the odds are that we may not be able to. We go back 3 times next week. one day her, another me, then both..he told her that she will have do do LOTS to win me back and prove that she is worthy of our marriage. needles to say it has been a very long week, we stay quiet, keeping our cool for the children, and are both just making the household work untill we see him again. She cried allot, keeps telling me she is sorry, and that what ever the counsler and I tell her to do to fix this she will do it.
Right now I just have allot of feelings I can't control, the worst being the need to DESTROY this other guy. 
Thanks again infortheduration.


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## soccerwife (Mar 20, 2009)

What does EA mean  ?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It means Emotional Affair.


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