# Am I alone???



## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

I met her at work, after a few short moths we got married. Everything was perfect, but I slowly started to lose it...my mind that is. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was to good to be true, and that's when it hit me. The fear of losing her! So many people have told me how beautiful my wife is and that I married up. It made me feel good inside, but that's when I started to think. What is a girl like her doing with someone like me. I have nothing to offer her only my baggage. I started to feel paranoid, that she was going to leave me, to cheat on me. She had no idea this battle was raging inside of me. I tried to keep it a secret. Until I broke, It affected my health, my mind, my job, I was obsessed with fear...unrealistic fear. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression. My life is a daily challenge now, trying to keep myself above water. My wife has a guy friend at work, they go to breaks and lunch together. I hate it...it hurts me when I think about her being with another man. I feel like she is not mine anymore like I'm sharing her. Even thou she has done nothing wrong or given me any reason to doubt her I still feel this way.
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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What is your question?


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

I'm I being to critical? Is it me
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Broken, you are describing issues that seem to go well beyond general anxiety and depression. You are describing, for example, a strong fear of abandonment and low self esteem. You also seem to be describing difficulty in perceiving "object constancy," i.e., difficulty seeing that other peoples' personalities and preferences generally are stable and rather constant from week to week.

I mention these issues because, if they do apply to you, you will make a little progress by simply reading on your own. You likely will not get far, however. What would be needed is a professional who can teach you the techniques and skills required to manage those issues. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what issues you are dealing with and how to manage them. Take care, Broken.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> Even thou she has done nothing wrong or given me any reason to doubt her I still feel this way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your jealousy and insecurity will make you lash out at her, and eventually she will leave. 

Let's face it. Whether you are handsome or ugly, who would a woman prefer to be with? A confident guy, or a guy who is continuously whining and depressed? 

Get PROFESSIONAL help. Like right now.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Listen to Theseus .... 

Wise wise words !!!!!! 

~sammy


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Please get help! This same fear destroyed my husband and our family


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

Thank you guys both for your words. I was seeing a counselor at one point, but stopped when I was let go from my job. I have been trying my best to do things on my own, but I can only do so much. Thanks again for helping out a complete stranger.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Have I got this right. You used to work with your wife and you were 'let go' and are not working at the moment but your wife still is and is friendly with someone else there.

At the moment is your 'battle' still a secret from your wife and if not what is her response.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

I spent most of my night reading up on Object Constancy and BDP. For the first time I was able to read what I could only feel inside. Thank you so much  there is hope after all!


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

Yes, she knows that something is wrong. But I have a hard time explaining to people what's wrong because half the time I dont know myself. I catch myself making up something just to satisfy them. I only feel its just overwhelming emotions.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

I'm starting to understand what it is I am battling.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> I spent most of my night reading up on Object Constancy and BDP. For the first time I was able to read what I could only feel inside. Thank you so much  there is hope after all!


Broken, I assume you're referring to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). How did you know to read about BPD? I ask because none of us (in your two threads) has mentioned it by name. But, yes, the issues I mentioned above (e.g., object constancy problem, fear of abandonment, and low self esteem) are some of the traits of BPD. 

If you would like to read about other BPD traits, an easy place to start is my discussion at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. A good BPD book -- popular among those suffering from it -- is Friedel's _Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified._ A good website devoted to BPDers is BPDrecovery.com.

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether you exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you have most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. To answer that question, your best bet is seeing a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and treatment. 

There are several excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) available that teach BPDers how to better control their emotions, how to do self soothing to calm down, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to stay "in the moment" instead of escaping into daydreams, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts." If you do have strong BPD traits, you may have experienced a trauma (before age 5) that prevented you from learning those skills.

Granted, BPD has a bad reputation for being very difficult to treat. The reality, however, is that it is very treatable if the BPDer is willing to work hard in therapy to learn skills such as those I mentioned above. Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to have both the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to do that. 

Generally, BPDers are so filled with a feeling of shame and self loathing that their subconscious minds protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. This is why BPDers usually lack self awareness and are unwilling to take responsibility for their own bad behavior.

Importantly, that limitation -- lack of self awareness -- does not seem to apply to you. I say this because you seem very aware of various aspects of your issues and show a willingness to find out if BPD is applicable. Such an attitude is very uncommon among BPD sufferers. This means that, if you do have most BPD traits at a strong level, you chances of being successful in therapy are excellent.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

As I was reading about object constancy I came across this blog "Beyond the Borderline Personality". It opened my eyes, it explained why I do the things I do. For example why I always struggled with relationships I would always leave. I am able to detach myself from family and friends and live like they never excited. I go from idolizing my wife one minute and demonizing her the next. I also have uncontrollable fits of anger...well use too. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I lost my job because of that. My wife blames herself for my problems. She was even afraid of me at one point because she didn't know how I would react. She walked on eggshells because she thought any little thing would set me off. I dont want to live this way anymore.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

I see, thanks for clarifying that, Broken. Yes, as you already know from your reading, the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD. If you do have most BPD traits at a strong level, I must say that your ability to see what you are doing wrong is remarkable. As I noted earlier, you seem to have an amazing degree of self awareness. Hence, if you have strong BPD traits, you are already over the biggest hurdle (i.e., lack of self awareness) standing between BPDers and a successful therapy.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> I met her at work, after a few short moths we got married. Everything was perfect, but I slowly started to lose it...my mind that is. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was to good to be true, and that's when it hit me. The fear of losing her! So many people have told me how beautiful my wife is and that I married up. It made me feel good inside, but that's when I started to think. What is a girl like her doing with someone like me. I have nothing to offer her only my baggage. I started to feel paranoid, that she was going to leave me, to cheat on me. She had no idea this battle was raging inside of me. I tried to keep it a secret. Until I broke, It affected my health, my mind, my job, I was obsessed with fear...unrealistic fear. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression. My life is a daily challenge now, trying to keep myself above water. My wife has a guy friend at work, they go to breaks and lunch together. I hate it...it hurts me when I think about her being with another man. I feel like she is not mine anymore like I'm sharing her. Even thou she has done nothing wrong or given me any reason to doubt her I still feel this way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should definitely get treatment for your condition. But your wife constantly going to lunch with guy at work indicates she doesn't have proper marital boundaries IMHO. No reason for you no to point that out to her.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> You should definitely get treatment for your condition. But your wife constantly going to lunch with guy at work indicates she doesn't have proper marital boundaries IMHO. No reason for you no to point that out to her.


Marital boundaries? All I want is for her not to go to lunch with a guy because I don't want anything to happen between them. I'm scared that she might have an affair. To avoid that, I say no lunch with people with the opposite sex. Why put yourself in a position where something could happen. But then I say to myself is this my insecurities coming out? Because most of my past relationships I was cheated on. Am I being cautious? Am I bringing in past hurts into my marriage? I wouldn't do it to her, but that's me. I met the guy on several occasions.
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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> Marital boundaries? All I want is for her not to go to lunch with a guy because I don't want anything to happen between them. I'm scared that she might have an affair. To avoid that, I say no lunch with people with the opposite sex. Why put yourself in a position where something could happen. But then I say to myself is this my insecurities coming out? Because most of my past relationships I was cheated on. Am I being cautious? Am I bringing in past hurts into my marriage? I wouldn't do it to her, but that's me. I met the guy on several occasions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your sentence that starts with "to avoid that..." is all I mean as a marital boundary. So you have indeed set the boundary. Does she still go to meals with him regardless?

And NO. wanting her to not do that is by no means a sign of insecurity. It is a sign that you expect her to respect you as a husband.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Your sentence that starts with "to avoid that..." is all I mean as a marital boundary. So you have indeed set the boundary. Does she still go to meals with him regardless?
> 
> And NO. wanting her to not do that is by no means a sign of insecurity. It is a sign that you expect her to respect you as a husband.


She does...she tells me would you rather I have lunch by myself in the car? Secluded myself from everyone because you are no longer here? For some reason its easier for her to make friends with guys. For me it's easier to make friends with girls rather than guys. So I get it, but it still bugs me, she sees nothing wrong with, she tells me there is nothing going on its just lunch. But It kills me inside.
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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> She does...she tells me would you rather I have lunch by myself in the car? Secluded myself from everyone because you are no longer here? For some reason its easier for her to make friends with guys. For me it's easier to make friends with girls rather than guys. So I get it, but it still bugs me, she sees nothing wrong with, she tells me there is nothing going on its just lunch. But It kills me inside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Broken. I would try to appear more relaxed about this than you are. If the choice is lunch on her own or lunch with a friend (even if he is a guy) I think you should try to be calm about her being sociable at lunch. Saying she must not do that is saying you do not trust her, which implies that you think you are not 'good enough' for her, which can very easily lead to her thinking the same way.

Good luck.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Broken. I would try to appear more relaxed about this than you are. If the choice is lunch on her own or lunch with a friend (even if he is a guy) I think you should try to be calm about her being sociable at lunch. Saying she must not do that is saying you do not trust her, which implies that you think you are not 'good enough' for her, which can very easily lead to her thinking the same way.
> 
> Good luck.


 there is some validity to this point of view, especially given the OP's particular struggles with jealousy. But boundaries aren't just about preventing affairs, it is also about showing respect for your spouse. 
e.g. I go to a strip club; afterwards I explain to my wife that I was "just looking at nude strangers"; no social interactions, no lap dances etc. and I'm being honest - I'm just looking. so why would she still be upset? 'cause she feels disrspected that I would hang out in that type of environment, at all......where there are in fact lap dances and men having drinks with the performers afeterwards etc. i.e. it's an environment much more suited to an uncommitted man, which I am not.

OP - so in your case your wife is going on lunch dates (with the same individual) multiple times a week, yes? But you are the only person she should be dating. Why can't she eat lunch with a small group of people, men and women; or eat lunch at her desk? or go to lunch at a different time than this guy?

if she has trouble getting this point, you might consider going shopping some afternoon with one of your female friends, or take the friend for an early dinner. Would your wife mind you doing that? doing it often?


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Broken. I would try to appear more relaxed about this than you are. If the choice is lunch on her own or lunch with a friend (even if he is a guy) I think you should try to be calm about her being sociable at lunch. Saying she must not do that is saying you do not trust her, which implies that you think you are not 'good enough' for her, which can very easily lead to her thinking the same way.
> 
> Good luck.



I'm starting to resent her, I keep telling myself she is no longer mine....that i share her with another man. Emotionally I am shutting down. This problem has haunted and tormented me for weeks. I would break down because i would call and text on her breaks and lunch...most of the time i get no reply back. I know she's on lunch i know she's on break but during that time i don't exist! I felt like such a fool. But she doesn't know that I'm slowly but surely detaching myself from her. Pretty soon i will no longer hurt, because i will stop caring and stop loving her. And when i drop the news her friend will be there to cheer her up.
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> I know she's on lunch i know she's on break but during that time i don't exist!


Yes, that's the way it feels. This is the object constancy problem we discussed earlier. When a loved one is out of sight, you start to feel like you are no longer a part of her family and her life. The remedy is to learn how to intellectually challenge that feeling instead of accepting it as an accurate reflection of reality.


> Pretty soon i will no longer hurt, because i will stop caring and stop loving her.


Broken, if you have strong BPD traits as you suspect, your problem is not your W's behavior or her lack of love for you. Rather, the problem is your self loathing (carried inside from early childhood) that makes it impossible for you to believe that anyone else can truly love you. 

Instead, you have a powerful fear that, once she finds out how empty you are on the inside, she will abandon you. My BPDer exW had such a fear and, in 15 years, I was never able to persuade her that I loved her and would not leave. Absent several years of therapy, she was simply incapable of believing me. The result was that the fear kept getting worse until she finally left me to end the pain of that growing fear. 

This tendency of BPDers to preemptively abandon their spouses (before it can happen to them) is very common. Indeed, it seems to already be on your mind as a way of escaping your growing fear of abandonment -- as seems evident in your statement that "Pretty soon i will no longer hurt, because i will stop caring and stop loving her."


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