# Do you expose lies told to your kids?



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So lately, DS has been telling me about conversations he's having with STBXH about the OW. He's been including her in pretty much everything they do together. STBXH already told me that they don't plan on getting married (duh, he can't because *we're* still married), and for now, has not said one way or the other about living together. He said she doesn't want to ever have kids and has no desire to be a step-mom to DS. Which, in a lot of ways, is a relief. 

STBXH continues to do things with her that he thought were too stupid to do with me, even though I liked them -- like BBQ'ing. He, no *they*, hosted a big BBQ on the 4th at the marital home, using mygrill, no less. Didn't know that was happening, and called DS to say good-night while it was still going on. I had spent the day alone, so it just again made me feel really lousy. Luckily, I did have an invite to watch the fireworks with friends. 

But I digress. The next day, DS told me he asked his dad about the relationship with OW. He told me that STBXH said 'She is the girl for me and I'm in love.' He also told DS that he had started spending more time with her when his other best friend (also a female) moved out of town. I know this is utter and complete bullshet:

#1 They started flirting and, I'm sure, an EA while I was still living with him and she was still living with her boyfriend. We were supposedly still working on it. I found a little journal notebook she bought him during this time, and long story short, they had been passing it back and forth, writing suggestive things to each other. All done while he was stringing me along.

#2 Other 'best girl friend' was gone for precisely two weeks before STBXH told me that he would start dating. Problem is, thanks to FB, I saw a photo of STBXH and OW with their arms around each other, taken two weeks before that. In other words right around the time other best friend left town.

So, I know he's telling DS lies. I told him it didn't have anything to do with the other friend leaving town, and DS knows that the two of them hung out as friends a lot before that because she was at the house all the time. The two of them alone. That's why it's been hard for me to enforce anything about not bringing new partners in to DS' life too quickly -- he already knew her.

STBXH is leaving tomorrow for a weeklong romantic getaway with OW to San Fran. The kind of thing I thought we'd be doing once the stress of his grad school days were over. But no, it's with her. He sobs (sometimes literally) to me all the time about how little money he has, but somehow he not only can afford this trip to SF, but will be taking DS to visit other best friend in Portland later this summer. So, two vacations. I can't afford sh!t, and I _*desperately*_ need a vacation. He told DS that he has to go with with OW because she is visiting the consulate to get a visa to go to France. More utter and complete bullshet. There are all kinds of students here who go to France and other countries to study and teach, and even IF they did have to go to an actual consulate to get the visa, OW does NOT need STBXH's help to do it. I was angry about the lying and told DS that part. I told him that while OW may actually have business there, it was a vacation for his father. 

On top of that, I found out that my younger SIL gave STBXH a hotel getaway she won to use while he's there. So, obviously, she's not only OK with our split, but that he's already on to someone else. That hurts more than a little. 

Am I wrong to point out facts to DS? One thing about STBXH is that he lies as easily as breathing, and despite all the tearful pleading he does to me about peaceful co-parenting, has no qualms about lying to his son. I hate his lying. It has impacted my life, and thru that my son's life, in the most complete way possible. 

I don't call his father a liar. I just say the truth -- that there would be no reason why the consulate would need the word of his dad so that this woman can get a visa. And when DS then asks where *I'm* taking him when we go on vacation, I have to tell the truth and say I don't have money for a trip, though I'd like one. My family paid everything to bring the two of us out to meet them last year. 

I'm afraid it is reinforcing seeds that were planted when we lived together: Daddy is fragile and needs all kinds of extra TLC like vacations, gifts, parties with friends, girlfriends, etc., and Mommy is the tough one who never needs anything. She can do without a Mother's Day present because Daddy was too busy to help DS buy something; Mommy can be alone on a holiday and if she does go somewhere without DS it's not fair; she doesn't need a vacation, even though she works full time, has a side business and does all kinds of other stuff. 

So, I feel like a b!tch, but I also feel like I need to a.) not allow DS to be lied to, and b.) stand up for myself as a person who also has needs.

What do you all think? Sorry this is long, but it's been really bothering me a lot.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband is a f*cking piece of sh*t!

Damn I should have kept driving up to Montana and kicked his spindly little weasel ass for you! 

Sheesus I cannot believe pieces of sh*t like this guy even exist. And that pic of him on your profile.... the f*cking Chinless Wonder? What the hell do these women see in him? 

Sorry Angel.... I just feel kinda protective of you. I'd smoke his sorry a*s in a heartbeat if I met him.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Sorry angelpixie. I also would put a rompin on dat ass
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry Angelbaby... I got a little carried away.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hi Angel -- once again sorry with all this sh!t going on in your life.

I think you need to continue to talk with your DS and answer his questions truthfully -- like you have been doing. I believe he is old enough to see what is going on with his father -- and is confused and that is why he asks the questions. 

Also, after reading this POST -- your exh will have to make a choice -- either OW or his son -- as OW doesn't want to have any kids or step kids. 

Does OW also need a VISA to stay in US? 

I thought I read this -- and if so -- she will marry your exh to get her VISA -- and within 1 or 2 years -- she will find someone better with more money, better looking, big house, etc. 

Take care -- and give your DS a hug and a kiss -- he is going through hell himself -- and make sure he doesn't think he had anything to do with your split. Kids tend to blame themselves when their parents split.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sorry Angelbaby... I got a little carried away.


That's totally OK, Bandit. I appreciate your vehemence.  And I did have to laugh over the Chinless Wonder comment. I thought the beard saved him, but you saw through it anyway, LOL. You should see him without it. 

All of this makes it a lot easier to take seeing him and OW together, in a way. I know that the two liars are together, and that they deserve each other, but it also shows me that as long as we have to co-parent, I'm never going to be totally free of his arseholery.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm not sure you need to fill DS in on some of the kinds of details which you are talking about - regarding these "relationships" and the demise of your marriage.

Chances are in five years when STBXH is really in love again with his sixth GF in a row or whatever, your DS will have it all figured out.

I think unless the lies relate directly to your DS, then you need to let it go.

Is DS asking YOU any questions about these things?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Hi Angel -- once again sorry with all this sh!t going on in your life.
> 
> I think you need to continue to talk with your DS and answer his questions truthfully -- like you have been doing. I believe he is old enough to see what is going on with his father -- and is confused and that is why he asks the questions.
> 
> ...


Thanks, jh. No, OW doesn't need a visa to stay. She's going to France for some reason or other (she has a degree in French, though I've heard her speaking and her accent absolutely sucks, LOL) -- either teaching English or for post-grad study. It will be interesting to see how well STBXH does with the separation. Since he needs constant attention and romance, I predict he will be moved on to another woman, or one of his no-moral female friends will step in to fill the void, or with a void to fill, if you know what i mean. 

I'm actually kind of surprised that she doesn't want kids -- I thought if she was as 'in love' as STBXH is, she may want them. On the other hand, at least she's honest. She is incredibly immature -- hence STBXH referred to her as a 'girl'? She's several years younger than STBXH, but still at least in her mid-20s. Old enough. 

But I guess he can't handle an actual woman.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

angelpixie said:


> That's totally OK, Bandit. I appreciate your vehemence.  And I did have to laugh over the Chinless Wonder comment. I thought the beard saved him, but you saw through it anyway, LOL. You should see him without it.
> 
> All of this makes it a lot easier to take seeing him and OW together, in a way. I know that the two liars are together, and that they deserve each other, but it also shows me that as long as we have to co-parent, I'm never going to be totally free of his *******ry.


I was just thinking the other day - "You can't REALLY ever divorce CRAZY."


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"She is incredibly immature"

So your exh found his equivalent mental midget !!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Nice-- thanks for posting. No, I wasn't filling him in on the details of the photos on FB or anything like that. He was kind of telling me things in a way that wanted my input. 

But the vacation part was just an outright lie. He was vehemently asserting the line he was told: that this wasn't anything other than a necessity for his dad. His dad is already b!tching about how much we pay for summer child care, which is *really* a necessity. I don't want these trips, and the money to pay for them, to come before things that DS needs, and have DS thinking that his needs come further down the list.

I know that he will eventually see his dad for what he is: weak and in constant need of approval and admiration and adoration, without necessarily deserving it. I won't have to say a word.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I think you're taking the right approach in not flat out calling him a liar but still telling the truth to your son. It's a little easier for me because my daughter is a lot older and pretty clued up but he sounds like a great kid. There's no reason for you to lie to him, just be honest

sounds like his dad is exactly the sort that will show his true colours soon enough and as your boy gets older the scales will fall from his eyes!

now I must go and look at this ass hat on your profile!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Has DS heard Dad complain about daycare costs?

That would be worth a kick in the groin...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just answer the questions that refer to you and your business honestly, and refer him to his dad for questions regarding his dad's business. Now, if there is an opportunity to generalize and discuss issues that your son has the ability to discuss (I don't know his age), then you can do that--but let your son lead (ie, ask him what HE thinks is the answer, and point out logical errors in his thinking, but just help him begin to formulate his own moral code w/o regard to what his dad is actually doing. 

I've had amazing discussions with my kids and have been able to address some great issues as a result of trying to stay out of the ex's business. For example, my then 13 year old asked why his dad kept having new girlfriends. I said I wasn't really sure, and what did he think? He said he thought his dad was lonely. So we had a talk about being lonely and what to do if it happened to him (my son). Really cool, deep stuff. 

And yes, your son will figure out his dad's real character-and probably continue to love him as his dad anyway. Seeing our parents' flaws and continuing to love them is good training for life! He may eventually decide he doesn't really "like" his dad, but he may well continue to love him, and that's ok. We just hate, hate, hate our kids to be fooled or disappointed by anyone, esp. their other parent, but it really does help a child negotiate important life challenges in dealing with all sorts of people, and with our guidance rather than all alone., when we have these talks with them.


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