# Stick around or leave?



## Foofighter (May 24, 2013)

Married for 4 years. Husband throws around the D word like its nothing. He wants me to leave at the drop of a hat. We had our second child 5m ago, she was accidentally concieved. We had problems in our marriage back then too, but i had her anyway mostly because he wanted me to. My worst fear was to be a single mom to two young kids, so i made him promise that we wont talk about divorcing again EVER unless i do something majorly wrong (like cheating on him, which I did not do). He agreed, and after that its the same story again. Today we had a fight and he has given me until june to leave. I waited until he was cool headed and asked him if he meant it and he said yes. I asked him if he remembers that he promised me that he will never talk about divorcing again, he said yes. What does he want?? This has happened sooooooo many times, he changes his mind at the last moment always and convinces me to stay just to repeat it at some point in the future. Whenever this happens, i cry, i yell but finally end up begging him not to make me go. He does not give inand when im just about to leave, he makes me stay. I'm really tired of his games, should I just leave this time? i'm from a different country, one time he booked my ticket for thousands of dollars and cancelled it last minute after i begged him thus losing all that money. So i cannot take that chance again. I have no job, my kids and i are completely financially dependant on him.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

It seems to me like he's trying to use a control tactic here. He loves to see you squirm when he threatens D. But the fact that once you are going to leave he pulls you back in says that he is BSing you. This is emotional abuse. He's leading you on, and playing head games.

I say go and talk with someone about getting separation or D papers written up. Get the ball rolling. And the next time he threatens D, have the papers ready to hand to him. Tell him to sign and your done with the head games. He may sign, he may not, depending on what kind of mood he's in. If he does sign, then that's that. He made his choice. You will most likely get the house. And you will have to start wrapping your head around the idea of a job. He will blame you for getting the papers...so be prepared for that. If he tries to guilt you that way..just tell him straight up "You wanted a D....you got it babe" 

Sometimes with BSers you have to pull some BS from your end


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## kree3 (May 24, 2013)

Control, control, control...this is his way of showing you who is in charge. My advice...next time he tells you to go, GO! This is a game he is playing and the prize for him is a great big ego. He knows you will cry and beg him to let you stay. Easier said than done...I get it, but "As long as nothing changes, nothing changes."


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tell him to pack his bags and leave


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your here, living like your having to walk on egg shells all the time really takes its toll. Do you have a support system, or family close by that you can rely on?

He's in control because you let him have all your power, the best way to take that power back, is call his bluff. But it can be hard if you don't have the support or money to pull it off. A man with this much power and control isn't gonna make a separation easy on you.

In my opinion, you need some independent counseling to rebuild your own strengths up, some self confidence, and get some tools in dealing with this type of attitude. 

I really think a separation, with a minimum set of days (60-90) days would cause him to finally panic, and maybe he'd be more willing to look at himself in a new light. Don't do anything until you've spoken to a professional about the best way to proceed. Something about losing that power shakes you up, right now your not causing him to look at himself. If anything your giving him more power each encounter, and its making him emotionally stronger and you emotionally weaker. 

You might also try a womens battered shelter group, for some support and advice. Although your not getting physically hit, your taking an emotionally beating. Maybe they can steer you towards some resources than can help.

I wish you good luck, and don't let the process intimidate you or you are going to be living a life of misery, as things can only get worse if not properly addressed.


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## Foofighter (May 24, 2013)

thanks everyone,
as I said before, we have 2 young children and I'm not the maternal type (please dont judge me, i do a great job as a mom, my children are well taken care of and all their needs are met. the only bad thing in their life is the explosive fights that happen in front of them and their seeing me in such a fragile and broken down state. i wouldnt want to see my mom like that). caring for my children 24*7 drains me completely and i fight with him because he always has a reason to get away and let me take care of eerything. if i ask him to stay back and help me instead of starting new ventures of his interest, he tries to kick me out by saying he has earned it and im a useless pos. when im having a bad day, i take it out on him and kids which acc to him is not normal so this marriage has to end because im an abnormal witch. Also, He and his parents treated me like **** when i was pregnant. They brought my whole 'support system' together and trashed me behind my back (lies were told as well) so i dont have much support either.but No worries, i'll make it.
I've had enough of this crap, i think its time to walk away
If i seek joint custody, will i get monetary support for the kids' care and alimony from him?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

each state has a different set of rules for separation/divorce.
See if theres a attorney in your area that has a free walk in day or a free consultation. Best to do this quietly. See where u stand first.

You should at minimum get joint custody, alimony can be tricky from state to state thou. Do you have family close by? or close enough to get to? You might need to move back home if your choices are limited, im sure you will have/get some support there.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If you are in the US, some states websites have pages to calculate baseline child support monies, based on each party's income and time split for custody.

If you like, PM me your state and I will try to dig up a link.

We're the kids scheduled to fly away with you?

Does he want the kids?

Are there immigration issues, especially if you divorce?

You deserve better.


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## Foofighter (May 24, 2013)

No family to rely on..im prepared to move back to my country of origin. He has said that he will move out in 30 days and i can live here until i get a job good enuf to find my own place..


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