# Wife is just SOOOO miserable!



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Married a good few years now, been together ages, got lovely kids. I know I've been on here talking about her - shes hard work.

One thing I'll never understand is how miserable is. Some days its like someone has died, I've never seen such a miserable person. She wont take it our on me shes just so miserable. I come home from work and it just drags you down.

I dont think I could be that miserable if someone told me I had a week to live - its that bad.

And it annoys me. All she does is moan that shes not got this and someone else has got this and she hasnt. In terms of what we have got we're probably in top 1% of earners so have got nice house, car, holidays and no money worries at all. 

It just winds me up shes not grateful for this.

I guess its woman thing. Pretty sure friends of mine say the same....... Hey ho.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It's not a woman thing it's a depression thing.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

lenzi said:


> It's not a woman thing it's a depression thing.


Hi Lenzi - that was quick. Hmmm not sure. I thought that but she just wont go to the doc.

Not having a dig at here but the rest of her family are like it. Brothers and sisters - most miserable bunch you'd ever meet.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

This sounds like a woman who has been told all her life that "stuff" will make you happy...and it's not doing it for her.

Counseling is in order and maybe a few antidepressants for a bit to get her out of her shadows.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> This sounds like a woman who has been told all her life that "stuff" will make you happy...and it's not doing it for her.
> 
> Counseling is in order and maybe a few antidepressants for a bit to get her out of her shadows.


Sam, dont get me wrong Im not for one minute suggesting just because you've got nice things you cant get depressed. I've had depression myself off and on for almost 20 years.

This is different I think. I though that at first but she swears not....

Yeh I've tried to get her to go but sometimes Im sure she just likes being like this.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> I thought that but she just wont go to the doc.


Depressed people don't like to do much of anything and going to the doctor is usually at the bottom of the list.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Sam, dont get me wrong Im not for one minute suggesting just because you've got nice things you cant get depressed. I've had depression myself off and on for almost 20 years.
> 
> This is different I think. I though that at first but she swears not....
> 
> Yeh I've tried to get her to go but sometimes Im sure she just likes being like this.


Well, now that I see the family dynamic that changes a little bit. This is what I would refer to as Systemic Negativity...IE its the families expressive language. Its the basis for their communications.

This one may be harder to break because it will get reinforced by other family members.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Along with counseling get a ful blood test including women's hormone panel. And a doc who actually is competent with hormone balancing. And get her some magnesium. She probably has a deficit in magnesium. 80% of the country does.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she was such a miserable person then why did you marry her? 

If she's complaining with that "keeping up with the Jones'" thing then let her know if she's not happy then leave and then tell her that she needs a change of attitude. Anyone that is always crying with a wad of money in their hand because the neighbor has a bigger wad is sad and inexcusable


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Does she have job? Maybe she should get one if she doesn't.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

How was the dynamic before you got married?
Was she in a better mood, and what were the circumstances if so?

Maybe some alone time with you and her, some reconnecting, will put her in a better mood. It sounds like you're living a good life! She may be searching for something she hasn't found yet.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Hi Lenzi - that was quick. Hmmm not sure. I thought that but she just wont go to the doc.
> 
> Not having a dig at here but the rest of her family are like it. Brothers and sisters - most miserable bunch you'd ever meet.


She sounds chemically, and likely genetically predisposed to this condition.

If she won't look in the mirror and see that she needs a doctor's care, you may end up to be the casualty. In some way you're going to have to convince her that she is harming more than just herself. If she has any regard for you and your children she will address this, and soon.

You have kids. There's a good chance one or more of them will face the same problems. Does she want to ignore the problem, never learn how to combat it, and leave it for them to deal with? She's got to stop passively accepting a miserable existence. Its not only selfish, its cruel.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Since you have kids I think you should do all you can to make yourself a happy, engaged role model for them. You don't want your wife's dysfunction to be the dominant feature of their childhoods. You don't want tour kids accepting her behavior as normal. Your wife has to seek help and you have to make sure that you don't enable her behavior. 

The fact that her family is all this way definitely points to this being a learned behavior, though she could be depressed as well. I would be depressed too if I spent all of my time looking through a negative lens.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thanks all. Bit of background. We've been married over 20 years now....

She wasnt always like this but we've had issues over the years.

Shes also been ill for the past year or so. Long term thing....


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## hannah77 (Sep 14, 2014)

I have depression, and I'm sure my H would describe me the same way you describe your wife. He tells me I drag him down and that just makes me more depressed because I don't mean or want to be that person. Sometimes I am able to hold it together and act happy, but sometimes I just can't.

The reason she might not want to go to the doc is maybe she's afraid they won't be able to "fix" her. Or maybe she is afraid of the work involved. Depression is not solved by just popping some pills. It usually requires a lot of emotional hard work. Or maybe she is afraid of admitting there's a real problem.

Sorry you are both going through this. If it is any consolation, you're not alone.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Perhaps you should talk to a psychological counselor about how you can approach your wife to encourage her to seek professional help.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

The longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to seek treatment. You say her fam is like this as well, then it's been implanted in her mind from a young age and is creeping back up at a more intense level. What has happened in the past year?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Not sure of her age but it could be perimenopause. You find lots of reading materials on the internet about the impact of the changes on a woman, it is not just physical, but mental and emotional. Sometimes it wreaks havoc with marriages too.
As someone mentioned ask her to do a hormone test for her levels. Magnesium helps moods and there are natural treatments such as flaxseed oil etc. which balance hormones naturally. As I say you seem like a guy who will do the research, check it out.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Need more info, Bob.

Depressed people don't always present as miserable. More resigned. Tend to neglect themselves and practical stuff. Constant complaing? Not constant. Depressives tend to think nothing can cheer them up,, so what's to want?

Siblings the same suggests it's either genetic or a parenting thing. Strict ones with unrealistic expectations of their offspring.

Low self-esteem at the root of it. She wants,, you buy,, but any contentment is brief.

Until you post more info,, running with the only constant you've given - 'always unhappy/miserable' - see how she compares to the common patterns of 'unhappiness addiction'. Sometimes called 'chronic unhappiness'. It's reletively new. When they're done collating info,, almost sure to be a future 'syndrome'. Anyway,, have a read and a Google,, it might help.

Ten Signs You Might Be Addicted To Unhappiness And How To Overcome The Addiction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shes always had tendencies to be like this as I said.
BUT shes bill ill the past year or so. This has not helped.

Chronic condition sort of like arthritis. Yeh I know I should be more understanding but sometimes I think someone with 2 weeks to live would be more cheeful.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

aine said:


> Not sure of her age but it could be perimenopause. You find lots of reading materials on the internet about the impact of the changes on a woman, it is not just physical, but mental and emotional. Sometimes it wreaks havoc with marriages too.
> As someone mentioned ask her to do a hormone test for her levels. Magnesium helps moods and there are natural treatments such as flaxseed oil etc. which balance hormones naturally. As I say you seem like a guy who will do the research, check it out.


early-mid 40s


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

There are people like this in the world. They are miserable, and oftentimes find it necessary to make others around them equally miserable. They are a black-hole of soul-sucking emotional nothingness. Avoid the Schwarzschild radius of these people, lest you will be sucked in and crushed by their gravitational force, never to escape.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> There are people like this in the world. They are miserable, and oftentimes find it necessary to make others around them equally miserable. They are a black-hole of soul-sucking nothingness. Avoid the Schwarzschild radius of these people, lest you will be sucked in and crushed by their gravitational force, never to escape.


lol...

I don't know whether the woman is depressed or not...I'm not a psychiatrist and I doubt all of the other posters are either. You can't declare someone is depressed on an internet forum...it requires a clinical diagnosis.

Regardless, if you've suggested to her that she seeks treatment and helped facilitate that...that's about all you can do. She's an adult and you can't drag her to the doctor. She can't make her do anything against her will really. So if she has depression, then its her responsibility to do something about it and if she cared about you and your marriage...she would.

I had a miserable ex...He wasn't depressed...he was just a pessimistic, annoying person who believed that he always deserved better than what he had for no definable reason. I literally used to cringe when he'd come home because he'd come in pissed at life every single day. When it first started happening, I'd try to spend time asking him what was wrong and trying to fix it while he'd complain about anything and everything. I tried for years to be a better wife so he'd stop complaining but it never worked. And I got tired of being miserable because he was miserable.

After a while, I learned to not be subject to his moods. He could be as moody as he wanted, I wasn't...so I just took care of me and the kids and left him to stew by himself. I didn't want to be anywhere near him and did everything on my own. Eventually, I realized he was completely useless and a liability to my happiness....I made a plan, waited for my kids to be old enough and divorced him. Best thing I ever did.

The bottom line, you can't make someone else happy if they don't want to be happy but you can make the choice to be happy on your own whenever you want. By all means, you can try to help her...but if she wants to sit around on her ass and whine all day, you certainly can make the choice not to have to listen to it.

I feel bad for you cause I know what its like to have to deal with someone like this and it seriously sucks. The reality is that whatever you do, it won't be enough to satisfy her. 

When two people are in a lake drowning together and someone keeps flailing and won't let you drag them to safety...you have to make the choice whether to let them drag you both under or just head to shore alone.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Amen sister. Truer words were never spoken.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sounds to me that ever since you lost her favorite t-shirt that the two of you have had a breakdown in communication. Seriously, when is the last time you brought home tacos?

Badsanta


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Some people are just unhappy. Nothing and nobody can change them. Its just that simple for some.


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