# fACING THE NEGATI



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

A question for those who having found they were cheated on sufered the "mind movies" as a result. In my case I found 26 picures, including oral shots, full penatration shots, different positions and of course, the cream pie. There was also a 15 page copy of their email chats in its glorious and pornographic detail. As a resault I get extremely detaled Flaxcvz ks and can even hear my wife speak her lines in her own voice. I find them very painful, The only way I have to hold them at bay is to be focused on diferent things all the time, an impossible task. Any suggestions/


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

morituri, who saw a video of his wife and OM, said what helped him was to mentally replace parts of the images with the absurd, for example he imagined OM as a clown decked out with red nose and big shoes


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh Mercy

55


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Not familiar with your story, Thinkitthrough. After seeing all that terrible information, are you actually still with this woman? If you are, the only other question that comes to my mind is :wtf:?!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I nowhere near had to deal with the what was dished out to you on a crap platter. My mind movies were imagined. There was not anything in particular I could do other then keeping my mind busy. Only over time did the movies stop. Eventually becoming nothing but a distant part of my history I never really think about anymore. It also helped I started dating again that changed my focus on the negative of my past history. My new found history buried that past for me. I believe it will for you in time.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

thummper said:


> Not familiar with your story, Thinkitthrough. After seeing all that terrible information, are you actually still with this woman? If you are, the only other question that comes to my mind is :wtf:?!!!


:iagree::iagree:

Only way I'd be staying with a woman who made pornographic albums of her affair would be if I were held at gunpoint.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, what is keeping you in your marriage? If I recall your story, you have Aspergers, your wife told you that you were lousy in bed, she had multiple affairs but latched onto one guy in particular who was much better in bed than you and is the guy in all these photos and chat logs, and if the OM wouldn't have died your wife would still be having sex with him today.

What keeps you connected to her, and maybe more importantly why is she still keeping the connection with you? Are you two having sex now? If so, is it much better for her than it was when she decided to cheat on you to get her sexual needs fulfilled? If you're not having sex with her, then why not?

I don't know if your situation is more like a Mexican standoff or if it's ignoring the elephant in the room. Either way you look at it, you're at an impasse that your wife seems perfectly content to leave unresolved indefinitely. It's your move. What do you want to do?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm not familiar with your story but get the impression you are still with her. If so, WHY?

Consider this: after seeing this evidence and then choosing to remain with her after such an awful affront says something about you just as much as her. 

How could anyone ever have a shred of self respect after doing this? I guess it could be done but I would also guess only a very small percentage could succeed. I could never do it. 

Do you really want to engage in this struggle? Sometimes it takes a while to weigh your options and commit to a path. I hope you really consider your options before blindly trying reconciliation.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I have to agree with *Gabriel, Plan 9 from OS, commonsenseisn't* and the others; Why are you still with her after such a degradation. I can't tell you what to do, but I know that if I found those pictures of my wife and those messages , I'd build a web page on the internet devoted to her affair with all the pictures posted and I'd make sure that all my family and friends had the web address. That kind of behavior can't go unanswered.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Thinkitthrough said:


> A question for those who having found they were cheated on sufered the "mind movies" as a result. In my case I found 26 picures, including oral shots, full penatration shots, different positions and of course, the cream pie. There was also a 15 page copy of their email chats in its glorious and pornographic detail. As a resault I get extremely detaled Flaxcvz ks and can even hear my wife speak her lines in her own voice. I find them very painful, The only way I have to hold them at bay is to be focused on diferent things all the time, an impossible task. Any suggestions/


I wish I could and I am in no way being critical but I wouldn't have stayed. The only way I could stay with someone like that is if they were on the Forbes 400 list or I just didn't care about them anymore and thought they were a piece of trash. However, I am not casting judgment on you nor your wife as it is your business and your decision. I am stating it from my perspective that's all


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

maybe you can make some money off of the pics on a good porn site? That would be justice. Just make sure you post a good clean picture of their faces along with the sex stuff.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Thinkitthrough said:


> A question for those who having found they were cheated on sufered the "mind movies" as a result. In my case I found 26 picures, including oral shots, full penatration shots, different positions and of course, the cream pie. There was also a 15 page copy of their email chats in its glorious and pornographic detail. As a resault I get extremely detaled Flaxcvz ks and can even hear my wife speak her lines in her own voice. I find them very painful, The only way I have to hold them at bay is to be focused on diferent things all the time, an impossible task. Any suggestions/


Sorry, but I would be gone. I dont have emails or text, pics or videos of my WWs affair but the mind movies i have just from the relentless questioning of her and the details are enough. Your wife disrespected you so badly in making these types of pictures. Punt her to the curb.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm ASD and don't think like most people. I was overwhelmed at first and shurt down, I wasn't really feeling anything. It was all surreal and my thinking was that this wasn't happening. I hac to ook at the pictures again to see that yes that woman was my wife. I am an Historian by training and I started looking to see if I could find anything else, which I did Between searching the web and pressing my WW for answers things started to clear up. She was crying and begging and appologising and was illing to od what I asked; if i just asked. Stumble ahead four weeks. She says they never made a video, but the language of the emails im;ied she did, I am trying to find it. Now after all this time I am starting to feel angry. Still working on it, but how do I avoid the flash backs?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Who cares if they never made a video. You have pictures of EVERYTHING. Isn't that bad enough?

If my wife did this and cried and begged, etc, I would actually enjoy watching her cry.

This would be completely unforgivable.

You will never, ever, ever, forget those images dude.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Any suggestions/


I'm sorry to tell you this OP, but when I figure it out myself, I'll let you know. 3 years after Dday I still have them. They used to be nightly. Now they are not as frequent and not as intense.

I didn't have pictures, but I had over 3500 e-mails; many of them sexually graphic - and all of them from the POSOM. Couldn't recover any sent e-mails that originated from my WW. 

I don't know if I could have taken seeing pictures, or her own written words; that might have pushed me beyond being able to R. I'm not saying you made the wrong decision because of the severity of the betrayal. That's your call. But I will say it will be the wrong decision if you accept anything less than 100% remorse - for the rest of her life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> morituri, who saw a video of his wife and OM, said what helped him was to mentally replace parts of the images with the absurd, for example he imagined OM as a clown decked out with red nose and big shoes


Yep, it's an NLP techniques. It's very effective. Same technique cured my fear of spiders, as it happens.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Any suggestions/


Yes, and I say this with all seriousness, get rid of her. Even if I thought that you should stay if she she cheated in general, cream pie pictures, pictures of everything they did? She is disgusting. Why do you want to be with a disgusting person.

You'll always relive these pictures. Only way, IMO, is to get rid of the source.....her, and move on to better women.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thinkitthrough is with his wife because he wants to be.

I'd have problems with this myself, to be honest. But he isn't me, and we aren't him.

I am not going to tell him to dump her, get the heck out, etc. Because that's not my call.

Incidentally, Thinkitthrough, the situation in my relationship is reversed, my wife (who cheated) is ASD.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wait what they are still together???

You get rid of the mind movies by getting rid of the wh0re and then making new memories with various women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Thinkitthrough

Do you have any children with this woman? What about financial entanglements? How long have you two been together? How old are the both of you?

If the answers to the above are little or none you would be wise to start over again. You'll have to make that decision and it might be a process instead of an event to do so. If it were me I would have dumped her instantly. (I've actually done this, so yes, I've taken my own advise)

As far as the mind movies go, the only thing I personally know that would help is to execute a very decisive divorce. I would do this even if you plan to reconcile later because it should help you to attain a sense of closure that in itself could reduce the mind movies. 

I advise you not to commit to a reconciliation until you have given yourself time to process this crisis. You need a little time to wrap your mind and heart around what has happened to you, then you should make your decision. 

Some of us, like myself, only need 30 seconds to decide an issue like this but I sense, because of your ASD, you are not comfortable or capable rushing into a decision. 

Consider that if you take her back, you might later have trouble keeping your self respect, especially in light of the fact she massively and monumentally disrespected you. In your psyche it could imply that you believe you don't deserve anything better and you will have a continuous struggle against this issue. Some folks here at TAM have done this and they can attest it's been an uphill battle all the way. 

Most here, including me, will advise you to dump her yesterday but it's your decision and you'll have to live with it. If you take her back at least do so only if she is EXTREMELY repentant. If she's not, you will doom yourself for certain. Good luck.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

For me i heard the OP tell my wife on the VAR this is the best first date i've had. He then tells her i wish you could of stayed longer so i can hit a home run. She responds i did hit a home run.

Needless to say i kept playing mind movies for a while based on this evidence.

I feel your pain.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Ever since I started lurking here and reading about infidelity here and in books and web sites I noticed a common theme that is not to do anything rash. I am giving it six months and she is aware of the time limit. At the moment I am having a hard time getting around it that she would do this. We were in a dark place and she decided she needed some fun. I asked here if she thought her AP would have put up with all the crap I've had to put up with and she said that was the point, there wasn't any crap, just sex.
I am near retirement and the financial aspects are a little complicated. My wife hasn't worked since '82.
There is still divorce for cause here, so I can name both of them as cause for the divorce, but we are a 50/50 province
I think posting them to You tube would be a great idea, that and Cheaterville.
The reason I look for the video is that it would be a deal breaker and I could justify to myself that I had put up with more than a man should have to and my actions in divorce, exposure are measured and justified


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

One other thing, get a lawyer and learn your rights. Strategize for a variety of scenarios so you'll already have a direction predetermined when you make your decision.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Ever since I started lurking here and reading about infidelity here and in books and web sites I noticed a common theme that is not to do anything rash. I am giving it six months and she is aware of the time limit. At the moment I am having a hard time getting around it that she would do this. We were in a dark place and she decided she needed some fun. I asked here if she thought her AP would have put up with all the crap I've had to put up with and she said that was the point, there wasn't any crap, just sex.
> I am near retirement and the financial aspects are a little complicated. My wife hasn't worked since '82.
> There is still divorce for cause here, so I can name both of them as cause for the divorce, but we are a 50/50 province
> I think posting them to You tube would be a great idea, that and Cheaterville.
> The reason I look for the video is that it would be a deal breaker and I could justify to myself that I had put up with more than a man should have to and my actions in divorce, exposure are measured and justified


What tangible action is the taking to show remorse and to "try" to make this up to you? Are you getting "rock your world" type sex? Is she singing your praises in the bedroom? Is she showing daily remorse and thanking you for giving her a chance for her to prove she can be the best wife to you? Is she helping you through these mind movies that you are trying to work through? 

What is she actually doing? These are the things I don't recall you ever answering when asked. What is she DOING? Honestly, I think you don't need to give a six month trial period nor have to worry about making a rash decision here. 

Want to know she is truly remorseful and is caring about you? Ask her if you decide to divorce, would she find a job to support herself and be content to take only a small amount of the retirement that you built up? If she wants the full 50% plus alimony, then you know exactly where you stand.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You have been traumatized but you seem to be managing it to some degree. If just being with and seeing her isn't a trigger, you have already shut down a part of you. Those images and the depths of the facts you witnessed are significantly difficult and overloaded. Find a good Behaviorist (Behavioral therapist - well-trained in Behavior Analysis) and they will help you desensitize. This can be overcome successfully. You may still need the help of a good Psychotherapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or Psychologist) to cope with the rest - the part of you you shut down unconsciously to accommodate living with your trigger-horse.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Thinkitthrough is with his wife because he wants to be.
> 
> I'd have problems with this myself, to be honest. But he isn't me, and we aren't him.
> 
> I am not going to tell him to dump her, get the heck out, etc. Because that's not my call.



And I think anyone giving their opinion understands that. There is more than one option, leaving is just but one of them and one I recommend. But like you said, he has to process what he is being told and choose the best path for himself.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Reading MMSLP is a firm recommendation and not an opinion. A book for every guy, married or single. Many reasons to read the book, none that I can see for avoiding the book.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Thinkitthrough is with his wife because he wants to be.


If that's the case, he may as well just accept she willingly participated in these "activities", and that the mind movies are part of the equation. Its like me owning my bass boat. As long as I keep her, there going to be a substantial cost associated with that decision. If I don't like it I can sell the boat. 
He married a high "emotional" maintenance girl that pushed the envelop. He need to look at it like part of the cost of doing business. She did what she did and he's willing to put up with it for the continued pleasure of her company. 
From a financial aspect, he's decided its cheaper to keep her so why keep fretting over the pictures. Just accept the fact that the "mind movies" are the less costly and painful than the alternatives.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

And I'd caution about making the assumption that anyone is with their cheater because they want to be.

Sure you will have BSs that do want to be with their cheater.

But others will stay not because they want to be with their cheater, but for other reasons...kids...finances...humiliation...not wanting to uproot their lives in any way.

In the short month I was trying to decide what to do, I really wanted to stay in the marriage. But certainly not because I wanted to be with her. I came to my senses.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I have to agree with *Gabriel, Plan 9 from OS, commonsenseisn't* and the others; Why are you still with her after such a degradation. I can't tell you what to do, but I know that *if I found those pictures of my wife and those messages , I'd build a web page on the internet devoted to her affair with all the pictures posted and I'd make sure that all my family and friends had the web address. That kind of behavior can't go unanswered.*




Oooooo, what a wickedly, marvelous, wonderful, sparklingly nasty idea!!!!! :smthumbup: If it's legal, why not. Sounds like she RICHLY deserves the humiliation.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

vellocet said:


> But others will stay not because they want to be with their cheater, but for other reasons...kids...finances...humiliation...not wanting to uproot their lives in any way.


Reminds me of that Camry commercial. "Should our next car be a Camry or a Camry."


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

News flash: Some betrayed spouses overcome constantly calling their spouse wayward or cheater.

OP, there are a lot of people who reconciled under worse conditions. Understandably, finding a video is your end game. I applaud you for having conviction in that respect. That said, how long will you look for something that possibly might not exist and cause yourself more duress?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The women took pictures of herself committing adultery. I'd be leaving her for stupidity if nothing else. I mean if you're gonna cheat don't leave evidence at least.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Absolutely everyone has a breaking point. I've met some teachers who couldn't put up with a tenth of what I can in a classroom and conversely, I've seen teachers and marvel at how they can handle such behavior in their classroom. The OP says his breaking point is a video. Obviously, the pics are quite enough, yet for him a video is a deal breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I disagree with the notion of posting things publicly about their affair just to get them back, UNTIL/UNLESS he decides to divorce his wife.

If you ultimately decide to reconcile, why would you want your wife's exploits to be plastered all over the internet? At that point you would be in damage control and trying not to have your wife paraded around the internet like a wh0re.

Don't do that unless you are 100% sure you are leaving her.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> Absolutely everyone has a breaking point. I've met some teachers who couldn't put up with a tenth of what I can in a classroom and conversely, I've seen teachers and marvel at how they can handle such behavior in their classroom. The OP says his breaking point is a video. Obviously, the pics are quite enough, yet for him a video is a deal breaker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But serial cheating amounts to emotional abuse. IMO the healthier someone is, mentally, the LESS of this they will tolerate. with the healthiest among us, the most confident, self-accepting, self-assured people tolerating none whatsoever.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Absolutely everyone has a breaking point. The OP says his breaking point is a video. Obviously, the pics are quite enough, yet for him a video is a deal breaker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. In addition the OP should be cognizant of the possibility that what constitutes a deal breaker to him can be a fluid idea that may shift either direction as he processes this situation. 

It's difficult to make things black or white sometimes and we, on TAM sometimes need to step back and try to filter posts beyond our personal experiences. This is why it's valuable to get input from former waywards among others.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I agree common. It is the betrayed who gets to say what a deal breaker is and that it's fluid should be the case.

If a betrayed says that a video is a deal breaker, well that's a pretty solid point. Either there's a video or there isn't. Let's say for example the xOM decides to post pics of his wife on the net at some porn site. That could cause great emotional duress and the OP could say that's a deal breaker and he would be well within his rights to say so.

I understand that at any point, Dig could say he can't handle reconciliation any longer. It would break my heart, but I would understand because he was the one betrayed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I believe the only eraser is time. If you choose to R you're going to need time. I know of no magic bullet to stop those thoughts. Eventually the neural pathways will become cross connected with other memories and the intensity will fade along with the frequency.

Unfortunately, trauma causes those engrams to be extra strong. It's an evolved survival mechanism that helped man survive by not repeating the same mistake that almost got him killed. Life affecting events would be remembered for a long time. It's why people who have accidents have thoughts, nightmares, and memories that last long after the event. Same with soldiers after war. You can try some of the CBT as mentioned and maybe even PTSD therapy. Even with that though it will take time. Also, many have advised that you leave and not a soul would fault you one ounce if you did but be prepared that it most likely will have little effect on the thoughts. Not having the trigger there might help some though, hard to say.

This was absolutely a life altering event and is therefore burned into your brain. Whether you stay and R or whether you leave and start over, it will take serious effort on your part to minimize the effects of those memories.

What I find mind boggling is that your wife isn't having worse thoughts than you are. If she is truly remorseful how is she not a basket case knowing what she did to you? Maybe you should consider that in your decision to stay or leave. I am sorry and hope you find peace.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> ]\
> 
> I am not going to tell him to dump her, get the heck out, etc. Because that's not my call.


That's fine, that's you and don't say it. He asked for suggestions and it includes ones that say leave her. It is "my call" on whether to state an opinion even if it is hurtful."

I'd say it may lessen, but I've read many of your posts and contrary to what you say you still trigger decades later. So, if it becomes overwhelming he does need to go.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

You've got a tough case. I get your whole issue with regard to retirement, timing, etc. Hard for the 20-30-somethings to grasp.

Her behavior seems to ratchet things up a notch. Hard to imagine a woman going to these extremes during an affair. Allowing photos such as these to exist? Almost seems like an exercise in bridge burning.

One question I had is whether or not she "self corrected"? By that I mean did she come to the conclusion that she was in the wrong, and correct things, or did she wait until found out to change her ways, end the affair?

We hear so much about how affairs are inexcusable, yet still face so many rationalizations, "buts", and "I felt..." from the adulerters; particularly from those who did not end their affairs until they were found out and confronted.

It all boils down to deciding if you can believe anything she says, vs her trying to spin things so as to protect herself from further damage. A horrific situation. Those images...those photos....No reason for them to exist.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks again for all your support and advice. 
I am giving things time for the dust to settle. I have some understanding of the why of my wife's affair but its not in me to do that. The pictures are tucked away where only I know where they are; the painful part is that the photos were to be a gift for him.
I am not yet sure what is best for me and I can't tell yet if I can get through it all. 
Regret, thank you for your replies. I have always seen you as a good model for remorse and a true desire to make things right. I see the way my wife's reaction to her affair has been much like yours in your posts over time. She is really doing her best to make up for her "cruel and unloving choice" and to do all she can to fix it.
Again, I am fortunate you have been posting.
As to the video, I couldn't find it and I've been pretty diligent in the search.
On the down side there are still times when I can't look at her and its hard to get a 'rise' out of me at the moment.
I hear those who suggest I dump and run and I take your suggestions seriously. It isn't over yet and some posters speak of trying to R fir years before they finally give up. One of My ASD qualities is the tendency to hang in to the bitter end.
Any plans to expose her are dependent on the outcome and it will be focused rather than all encompassing.
Matt Matt, My experience with NLP wasn't a good one, mostly because of the practitioner who as I understand it is up in Northern Ontario somewhere practicing Shamanism. I've been using some similar work based on Albert Ellis. 
Forest: Thank You
PBS: I depend on you to call 'um like you see um" and I hear you 
NoChoice: Thank you for your insight.
Nuclearnightmare: For my sake I hope you're wrong but I'm not taking odds.
Gabriel thank you for your comments.
The learning curve on this is kind of steep. Thank you again


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I agree common. It is the betrayed who gets to say what a deal breaker is and that it's fluid should be the case.
> 
> If a betrayed says that a video is a deal breaker, well that's a pretty solid point. Either there's a video or there isn't. Let's say for example the xOM decides to post pics of his wife on the net at some porn site. That could cause great emotional duress and the OP could say that's a deal breaker and he would be well within his rights to say so.
> 
> ...


Let's be honest...insisting on a video is ridiculous. Proof is proof. It doesn't matter what format it's recorded on. 

I believe the insistence on a video is a mental stalling tactic. The OP is not ready to pull the trigger on a breakup so has drawn an imaginary line in the sand. My guess is if a video is found he will adjust and decide he needs to see it live before he takes action.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

I hate to say this, but if you are staying with her you will have to trick your brain into believing the photos and videos are just those you got from a porn store (hopefully her face is missing from most of it)...That's the only way this isn't going to scar you so much otherwise, you may just try to be proud of her for being such a maverick in bed.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't see a "like" button on my mobile version but I agree with Maritime here.

Why more torture?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I get you when you say cut and run. I'm not afraid to leave but I'm not the guy who was especially successful with women.
However I am committed to taking things slowly and doing it right.
If I let myself go I can do a lot of collateral damage. It is just to easy for me to stop caring.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Who are you worring about damaging that isn't or shouldn't already be devastated by the whole thing?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I get you when you say cut and run. I'm not afraid to leave but I'm not the guy who was especially successful with women.


That's insecurity talking. You'd be shocked how much easier it gets when you get older. Don't sell yourself short.

At 20 I was chasing them all over the place but had a hard time getting what I wanted.

At 40 they were chasing me.

The main difference is maturity and desperation. Its like the less effort you put in dating, the easier it is. Women hate when guys are desperation and love it when you don't seem to care. Look at dating as a hobby rather than a need. Just don't take things too seriously. Women care about confidence more then looks.



> However I am committed to taking things slowly and doing it right.
> If I let myself go I can do a lot of collateral damage. It is just to easy for me to stop caring.


Not caring is your saving grace. 

You do need to walk away. You know too much about the A and it will NEVER go away. 10 years from now those picture will still haunt you and the resentment will just grow and grow. How can you respect your W now knowing she disgraced herself like that while she was married?

I couldn't do it, my pride would tell me I deserve better than that.


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## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

I too saw pictures and read the messages about the videos. Hell I read messages about her hiding her phone and recording videos of us for the OM. The pictures come back still after a year and I never see her. I refuse. She can talk to me on the phone if I'm up for it. If not then texts only. Wish I could just go full no contact.

Practice meditation. The act of exercising your brain in such a manner will give you additional mental fortitude to get through the flash backs. I hope one day they just go away. But I don't think that's going to happen. And I can't imagine having to see that woman ever single day. Would be too much for me to handle.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> I disagree with the notion of posting things publicly about their affair just to get them back, UNTIL/UNLESS he decides to divorce his wife.
> 
> If you ultimately decide to reconcile, why would you want your wife's exploits to be plastered all over the internet? At that point you would be in damage control and trying not to have your wife paraded around the internet like a wh0re.
> 
> Don't do that unless you are 100% sure you are leaving her.


Not sure I could do it at all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> News flash: Some betrayed spouses overcome constantly calling their spouse wayward or cheater.


:::raises hand:::

And, actually, I never really did. Don't get me wrong... there were plenty of times that I wanted to pop off w/ a sarcastic comment, but I did a pretty good job of suppressing that. I knew that -- if I succumbed to those petty urges -- that would do the exact opposite of helping to create, foster, and nurture the type of environment in which we could properly reconcile.

Looking back, if I'd not been able to do this, I'd have probably taken it as a pretty solid indicator that I should opt for divorce rather than reconciliation.



Regret214 said:


> OP, there are a lot of people who reconciled under worse conditions. Understandably, finding a video is your end game. I applaud you for having conviction in that respect. That said, how long will you look for something that possibly might not exist and cause yourself more duress?


Eh... a video would be only marginally worse than pics, IMO. And Hell... if you click through the pics quickly enough, you'll _sort of_ have a video.  (Not sure why a smiley seems appropriate there...)

Anyway, the whole "I saw the pics, and that was bad enough, but if there had been a video, that would be it" mindset seems to indicate a certain inability to commit one way or the other. If OP had a video, he might be saying "Well, there's a video, and it's pretty bad, but it's not like it lasted more than 10 minutes, so I can live w/ that".

Honestly... and this is just my read here... I really don't think that (in the long run) OP will be able to fully commit to reconciliation. I'm not trying to introduce any undue negativity into this thread... that's just the way that I'm reading this.

Either way, OP, I do hope that you're able to find some peace.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I'm not the guy who was especially successful with women.


You don't need to be successful with a lot of women. You only have to be successful with a few and the right one amongst the few. Remember to, that on their death bed, nobody ever sez, "I wished I'd never left the one that treated me like crap."


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank you for everything. As I said I do things slowly. What do I mean by damage. He is dead, I would do everything I can to make his memory tainted for the people who loved him. I would hire a PI to find his daughter and I would send he the picks, videos and the typescript. I would be sure that his employers knew that he had done my wife on company time. I thought that I could create a website and post the pictures, videos and typescript and name it such that to goggle his or my wife's name and they would get the site. Could Facebook it as well, post them on my wife`s Facebook.
If I tell my son and his wife then they would never let her see the grandchildren again. Oh and there is Cheaterville. Then there is her family. Sadly her brother cheated on his wife, Her sister cheated on her husband and was the OW for years with a married man. Her niece f**ked everybody but her husband and the other niece has three kids. She had them when she was married, but each of them has a father that was not her husband.
The bonus of being ASD is I wouldn`t feel bad about hurting people.

The thought of leaving is becoming stronger and any desire to stay is fading.
I am sure that I will never escape the pictures in my mind and the typescript memorized after reading it once.
I was fighting with my wife about it. She says it happened a long time ago and is long over (she says she was at the point of ending it when he died but I`ve seen her last messages, she was asking why he hadn't contact her and had he found someone else.) I had to tell her that for me it was yesterday. She said that I didn`t find out while it was going on, so it was a long time ago.
I don`t feel much for her now and I feel myself slipping away


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. You're hurting and it's natural to be tempted to lash out, so be careful.

Food for thought: the other man is dead, so what will it serve to ruin his image to those who cared for him and have nothing to do with you here and now? 

Exposure will not hurt the other man, but might hurt those who are innocent. 

There's a reason why it's always been taboo to speak ill of the dead.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

True enough, I have a vengeful side, kind of like he destroyed my life so I will kill his memory. Problem for me is I could do it and not give a damn. So I recognize what you are saying and commonsensisn't and I do need to find a way to let the anger go.
Asked wife if the sex with him was worth the **** storm she might be unleashing. She said it wasn't worth it and had she known how much it would hurt me she wouldn't have done.
Six weeks out and still deciding.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She says it was long ago and you communicated properly that it was brand new to you. Did this make a difference to her? Has she shown any remorse or pain? 

She says if she knew it would hurt you so bad she wouldn't have done it. Um, of COURSE she knew it would hurt you! What she's really saying is she wouldn't have done it if she knew she was going to get caught. 

Sorry, her answer is bullsh*t.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> She says it was long ago and you communicated properly that it was brand new to you. Did this make a difference to her? Has she shown any remorse or pain?
> 
> She says if she knew it would hurt you so bad she wouldn't have done it. Um, of COURSE she knew it would hurt you! What she's really saying is she wouldn't have done it if she knew she was going to get caught.
> 
> Sorry, her answer is bullsh*t.


Agreed... but, even then, she might have done it anyway. After all, OMs death seems to have been pretty unexpected. Prior to his death, running off w/ him might have been an option -- an option that would've been all the more attractive had OP stumbled upon the affair when it was actually going on. So a more accurate way for her to say it might have been...

"If I'd known that I was going to get caught and that OM was going to die, I wouldn't have done it!"

And about posting the pics... OP, I'd seriously re-think posting any pics, texts, etc to the web. Aside from the fact that your WW is the mother of your children, it's just plain wrong. I get your anger, and I get your pain, but it's just wrong. Period.

If it's vengeance that you're after, consider a CV entry... but nothing more. And WITHOUT any explicit pics attached to the profile.

If you need yet another reason not to go through w/ posting the pics, etc, Google "revenge porn laws".


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Wow, this is like a rape victim getting the delightful home video of their assault. No man or woman deserves this kind of betrayal, detach and prevail. Misery does not, in fact, love company.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> She said it wasn't worth it and had she known how much it would hurt me she wouldn't have done.
> .


Now THAT right there is a pickup truckload of cowsh!t....

You need to call her out on this one. I agree with Gabriel...she knew exactly how much it would hurt you and did it anyway.

I think deep down you know she is only sorry for getting caught. And that is why your love for her is dying.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Grew up on a cattle farm! I've seen a truck load of cow ****. I continue to move a step at a time. Making appointments with Lawyers. Not funny, she wants to work back into a sexual relationship. Every time I think of sex with her I see them in my mind and I am unable to "rise" to the situation. 
Been through a lot of **** in my short happy life. I worked a terminal unit in a hospital while I was in University. One hot August night in 77 all ten of my patients died. Started school in a class for the retarded, finished school with an MA. This is hard and it does hurt, but I will survive this too.
I only get the feelings to go ballistic those times when things get away from me. Don't think I would do it, but I would think about it.
Its like a lottery ticket. Odds are you won't win, but its fun to think what you would do if you won.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Grew up on a cattle farm! I've seen a truck load of cow ****. I continue to move a step at a time. Making appointments with Lawyers. Not funny, she wants to work back into a sexual relationship. Every time I think of sex with her I see them in my mind and I am unable to "rise" to the situation.
> Been through a lot of **** in my short happy life. I worked a terminal unit in a hospital while I was in University. One hot August night in 77 all ten of my patients died. Started school in a class for the retarded, finished school with an MA. This is hard and it does hurt, but I will survive this too.
> I only get the feelings to go ballistic those times when things get away from me. Don't think I would do it, but I would think about it.
> Its like a lottery ticket. Odds are you won't win, but its fun to think what you would do if you won.


It is totally understandable you not wanting to have sex with her after what she did. I would bet if some cute little thing came along and pulled you into the bedroom, your ED would disappear pretty quick. 

Most betrayed men only imagine what their wives did with the OM. You actually got to see it in all its ugly glory. You have to come from farther behind than most guys, so cut yourself some slack and give yourself time to heal.

Please tell us how she is trying to restore your sexual relationship. What is she doing to help you heal, and why do you think you are not buying into it?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Hey Bsandit, sorry for the delay. I believe you are correct, that the shock of discovery has rendered me limp. For the time being that includes all women. Part of my ASD is a strong sense of loyalty that is hard to excape, combined with a natural response to want to get away from a painful experience. I go back and forth.
I have two problems with sex and she has been very understanding of the state of my emotions, which come out physically. 
Last few mornings she sneaks into my bed, does oral on me and doesn't ask for anything in return. Sometimes I return the favour. She tells me that she understands and once the shock and pain start to fade I should get it back. I am on the small side of normal so I need all of Mr.Happy to get the job done. She is patient with me.
She regularly tells me she is sorry for what she has done to me and knows how badly I have been hurt by her. As has been said by others the problems in our marriage split 50/50 but to seek out an affair even if it was (so she says) just for sex is 100% on her. She has gone to the edge of a nervous colapse because of her guilt and shame and sadness. 
The second problem is that she has certain positions that she likes and she did those positions with her POSOM, so when she tries them I react by triggering. Or she says something that I read in her script. After a charged talk with the POSOM he said he was so excited about having sex with her that he would have to masterbate and she said no save it all for me. In the same sort of situation she said almost the exact same thing. Bang, off I go.
The problem is making our lovemaking, sex special fpr the two of us, but there are lots of thing she won't do. Makes it difficult to find our way of it.
I am up late because I don't want to lie awake with my mind racing or a
sleep and having nightmares and if I get into a dark enough place I find her disgusting but I go through the motions till I feel better.
Thanks for the questions


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Hey Bsandit, sorry for the delay. I believe you are correct, that the shock of discovery has rendered me limp. For the time being that includes all women. Part of my ASD is a strong sense of loyalty that is hard to excape, combined with a natural response to want to get away from a painful experience. I go back and forth.
> I have two problems with sex and she has been very understanding of the state of my emotions, which come out physically.
> Last few mornings she sneaks into my bed, does oral on me and doesn't ask for anything in return. Sometimes I return the favour. She tells me that she understands and once the shock and pain start to fade I should get it back. I am on the small side of normal so I need all of Mr.Happy to get the job done. She is patient with me.
> She regularly tells me she is sorry for what she has done to me and knows how badly I have been hurt by her. As has been said by others the problems in our marriage split 50/50 but to seek out an affair even if it was (so she says) just for sex is 100% on her. She has gone to the edge of a nervous colapse because of her guilt and shame and sadness.
> ...


Thinkitthrough, have you spoken to a doctor about medication that might help you get past this with a little less pain?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> ?...Or she says something that I read in her script. After a charged talk with the POSOM he said he was so excited about having sex with her that he would have to masterbate and she said no save it all for me. In the same sort of situation she said almost the exact same thing. Bang, off I go.


I have two solutions...

1). Roll up a clean sock and cram it in her mouth. Then tie a towel around her mouth so she can't spit it out. Then fvck her. 

2). Or....tell her to keep her fvcking mouth shut during sex. Then fvck her. 

The only time she should have her mouth open is when she's moaning, screaming your name, or has your tool in it. Capice?


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