# When do you know it is over? I am stuck.



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

When do you know it is over and there is no hope left. I have been to hell and back with my husband. I can't forget the last two years of hell. I have discovered his world of porn, oral sex from men, sex profiles seeking other woman, lies and deceit and he recently called me a "f ing ****c" (excuse my language). Why am I here? What is wrong with me? Why do I spend my days rehashing the past trying to make a decision to leave. Why am I so stuck?


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

You're making a major decision, so of course you're spending a lot of emotional energy mulling it over! You'd have to be incredibly shallow not to.

You're not stuck. You just haven't left yet. Judging from this post, and from earlier posts you've written, you know things are wrong, but you still have a tiny flicker of hope that your relationship can be repaired.

At some point, there may be one last thing--one more tiny thing he does--that clinches it for you. You'll look at him and know it's over. Then you won't be able to see him the same way again. You'll stop worrying about whether you can leave him, and you'll start serious planning to get out. Or, rather--emotionally, you'll already be out. You'll just work to make the physical reality of your outward life match the emotional reality that you're out of the marriage.

Until then, you're still hanging onto the hope that things will get better. In staying with him for now, you're being wise and cautious. After all, you can always leave later on, but you can't really come back. You might lose a little time if you leave later, but you don't want to go until you truly know that you can't stay.

Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing at all. You're at a difficult time in your life, when you're facing a major decision. You take all the time and energy you need to make sure that that decision is right. Don't worry so much about judging yourself, or thinking that there's some fundamental standard for decisiveness you're not meeting. 

When you really, truly, no-way-out-of-it have to leave, you'll know.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Thank you, you are so kind. You sound as though you have been through this yourself. I am starting to believe that I don't have the proper boundaries though. I take leaving a marriage quite seriously and never thought I would be in this position. His last transgretion was so shockingly unbelieveable to me that I feel forever damaged. I am waiting to see if this damage is somehow repairable, perhaps a gift on our 25th would have done it for me. I can't let go of the hurt and don't trust in the future...long pause as I am crying....I guess I am not really living in the past as he is accusing me of rather I am not getting the necessary signs of remorse for recovery. But in all fairness to him I don't know what he could possiibly do to convince me at this point. What's done is done. Xmas is tomorrow and I hold up a good face for the sake of the children but as I open my gift from him tomorrow I am sure my heart will sink again.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While my ex didn't do exactly the same things your husband is doing/did, he did do a lot of horrible things: cheating, dating profiles, some abuse, other stuff. 

For me, it was just one final thing that when I looked at him after he did it, I was just like "you know, I hate you. I can't stand you. I can't stand the way you treat me, the way you look, your voice, nothing. I just want nothing more than to be as far away from you as I can possibly get without going into orbit." I never actually said that to him, but it was how I felt. 

And when I felt that way, that was when I knew that it was over. There was no going back; there was no possibility that we could fix anything. 

I think, even for people who divorce amicably and remain friends, it's pretty much the same way. You can't leave while you still have feelings, because you still have feelings. And those feelings keep you hoping that it will work out. Those feelings have to be totally gone before you can fully realize that it's just not going to get better and the only way to fix things is to end it and move on. 

It does sound as though you might be getting close to that point. The only advice I can really give you is not to rush it. If you try to rush it, then you will one day look back and wonder if you made a mistake. Wait until you know, so that you never look back and doubt; you'll always be confident that your decision was the right one.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Thank you Wendy. I guess I am still dealing with Husband A vs now Husband B. I just can't get my head around the fact that he went to MEN. It has been just over a year and I am still in somewhat of a shock. He is so masculine I would have never thought he would opt for that instead of me. The pain runs deep. He wants me to just shake it off and move forward but I have triggers and doubts. It was such a transgretion from our marriage. I guess I have been waiting to see if I could get over it but it comes back to haunt me when I least expect it. The marriage is forever changed as is my heart. I am now away from home working abroad home for summers and xmas. This gives me some more clarity and time to journal. It's not getting any better that's for sure. Nobody divorces in my family so it is very foreign to me. My girlfriend says that one day I will have clarity and there will be no doubt what so ever...I hope this to be true. Funny thing is I just read a posting in relationship and addiction about a woman who's husband was inviting men over to the house for sex and was on a website under the bi-sexual section. It is so easy for me to tell her to RUN but yet look at me still hoping for a glimpse of return to Husband A or the image I had of Husband A...God help us all.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*amanda1959*--I know exactly how you feel.

The man I ended up being married to was very, very different from the man I agreed to marry. 

The one I was so thrilled to marry (Husband A) was a sweet, warm, gentle, beautiful person. He had a wonderful sense of humor and was very affectionate to me. 

The one I ended up married to (Husband B) treated me terribly. As far as I know, mine didn't have sex with men, but he was awful to live with. (Here's my story, in case you'd like to know: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/8606-who-guy-wheres-man-i-agreed-marry.html.)

It takes a while to really have it sink in that you're not married to Husband A. You got stuck with Husband B. That's normal and human, and you really can't rush it. That's especially true if there's any love still between you, and if there's any hope that you guys can repair the marriage. 

It took me a full year after making that post, a full year of having things gradually get worse and worse, to come to the point of knowing that it's really over. *atruckersgirl* describes what it's like to to be at that point really well; one day, you look at him, and there's just no love, or liking, or even tolerance, left for him. 

When it's over, you'll know. Until then, all you can do is keep going over it in your mind and discussing it with other people. 

I know how hard it is to not be able to make up your mind about whether to stay or to go. Hang in there; things will get resolved, one way or the other. Feel free to PM me, if you want someone to talk to.

Good luck to you.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

"I just want nothing more than to be as far away from you as I can possibly get without going into orbit." 

So brutally funny and poignant. Wish I would have made that up. Yes, I too feel that way sometimes. Just not all the time. I think that's the difference. If things get so far gone that that's what you feel the vast majority of the time, then your time is too precious to not leave. Just my 2 c.


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## jaawest (Dec 21, 2010)

Im having the same problem. I know i don't love him or am attracted to him and most of the time i cant stand him. But there's something holding me back from just coming out and saying "GET THE HELL OUT!!" 2 kids make it difficult, and i don't want to fix it at all. Maybe its my lack of confidence or the fact that i know how hard it is going to be with him not around. Alot happier though. I am going to look at a house on Wednesday though so thats a step. I think i'm just waiting for him to mess up so i don't have to feel guilty for breaking our family up. Then its not on me.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm in the same boat. In fact right now I'm irritated that he's been nice to me the last few weeks. I think I scared him into behaving. I finally made up my mind and now I'm back to square one. Now I feel guilty for not feeling anything for him and I feel obligated to give him a chance to change. Why couldn't he just stay the a$$hole he's been for the last five years???? I know it's still there...


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

This is just another proof that in life everything is possible. Unfortunately in your case it went on negative side. Now it's up to you. You have to make decision. I would suggest you try to speak with him but to be honest if it's me i don't know how would i start conversation. If it was me i would just leave and forget him but, i speak this without feelings involved. I am sure you can't forget that husband A as someone said and thats what's making you confused.
Hope that you will find the way out soon.


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