# want more fun sex with wife



## DrummerCD (Sep 22, 2021)

Hi,

I am a man in my 30s, married for 10 years and got 3 young kids. We both lost our virginity when we first started dating, so we never experience anybody else. Sex was always more important to me than her. I always wanted to respect her and never wanted to ask to much of my wife, don't put too much pressure, even if sometime it was quite boring. So I use, and still, watch porn to satisfy my urge to not make myself crazy around the house. She also told me she never watch porn even masturbate, so she is pretty innocent at everything related to sex.

We always have sex at least once a week since we started having sex so it was never really a frequency problem, even if I would love to have more sex. Even after we had kid it was as often. 

So basically we have sex when she want, but a couple of years ago I wanted to have more so we started talking about and she agree on having at around every 2-3 days, not a schedule, never wanted a schedule, it feel force and unwanted.

But I still want more, not frequency but more fun sex, more position, just want to explore my sexuality with her. Maybe this is because of the porn I watch. I told that to her, and now she feels to much pressure about sex and stress about it. I feel like whatever I do it will be always to much for her. We just don't have the same libido and desire and I don't feel I can make her wanting more or want to explore her sexuality since she never really explore her herself.

So the big question, should I stop asking for more or ask differently? Or maybe I should just leave her alone and have regular normal sex once a week and watch porn for my fantasy the rest of the time?

Thank you,


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Watching porn isn't going to help. It's damaging for the marriage. You can masturbate without porn. People did it throughout history. 
As for your wife, how about you suggest one thing at a time that you could try rather than generally tell her that you want to do lots of different things and over whelm her. 
She has already agreed to have sex much more often which is a great first step. 
So small steps.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Stop the porn.


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## DrummerCD (Sep 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Watching porn isn't going to help. It's damaging for the marriage. You can masturbate without porn. People did it throughout history.
> As for your wife, how about you suggest one thing at a time that you could try rather than generally tell her that you want to do lots of different things and over whelm her.
> She has already agreed to have sex much more often which is a great first step.
> So small steps.


Yes you are right, more often has been fore a years now, it's just recently that I ask for different position. To be honest what I really what is for her to be curious and wanting different stuff and explore with me. What I like the more is giving her pleasure, If she doesn't like it I don't. I don't think I can make her want more herself.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DrummerCD said:


> To be honest what I really what is for her to be curious and wanting different stuff and explore with me. What I like the more is giving her pleasure, If she doesn't like it I don't. I don't think I can make her want more herself.


You're on the right track my man. Its up to you to take the dominate role as a man (no I don't mean forcing her around. More like a pilot taking the controls, feeling how she responds and perfectly landing the plane ) Listen to what her body sez as you make love to her but mainly quit expecting her to take leadership role. Make her "curious and wanting different stuff" because of your actions and techniques and her trust in you. Not by expecting her to be "curious and wanting different stuff" because that's your expectation. That's what it sounds like you're doing. Change you thinking from what she can do to make it more gratifying for me to what can I do to make it more gratifying for her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DrummerCD said:


> Yes you are right, more often has been fore a years now, it's just recently that I ask for different position. To be honest what I really what is for her to be curious and wanting different stuff and explore with me. What I like the more is giving her pleasure, If she doesn't like it I don't. I don't think I can make her want more herself.


Its not about 'making' her want more, but gently suggesting something to start with and see how that goes. You aren't going to make her into a person she isn't. You want her to want what you see in porn, she isn't like that and why should she be.
As I said though, porn isn't helpful. It's also very disrespectful towards her.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Be prepared for disappointment.

Someone who is not sexually adventurous is going to have a hard time filling that role for you. If you wife was sexually adventurous she probably would have given you some indication by now that she is. 

Now maybe you get lucky and have a Hollywood ending where you awaken the inner desires long dormant in your woman, just simmering below the surface waiting for your expert technique. But if we're being practical, you should probably understand that this is not likely and that you sexual styles and desires may never match. So the practical advice here is that you can try, but you should be prepared to fail. You need to know if she simply lacks interest and experience in doing more, or actively dislikes what you are pursuing. 

Now you have to ask yourself - what if you do not succeed? How important is this for you? Don't minimize the answer, because this is the kind of long festering problem that seems tolerable at first but just continues to drive a wedge further into your intimacy.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Be prepared for disappointment.
> 
> Someone who is not sexually adventurous is going to have a hard time filling that role for you. If you wife was sexually adventurous she probably would have given you some indication by now that she is.
> 
> ...


I suggest you reread this comment. There is only so much you can do to help you wife explore and enjoy things. 

I am essentially living the same thing you are, but I've spent 10 more years in my marriage than you have. The most likely outcome of this situation is you will be in the exact same spot 10 years from now. Are you OK with that?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

leftfield said:


> I suggest you reread this comment. There is only so much you can do to help you wife explore and enjoy things.
> 
> I am essentially living the same thing you are, but I've spent 10 more years in my marriage than you have. The most likely outcome of this situation is you will be in the exact same spot 10 years from now. Are you OK with that?


Nearing my 37th anniversary, and this has been my reality from our wedding night. I don't want to be in a position of trying to speak for all people, but I have not seen too many success stories in this forum to make me think that people successfully solve this problem to everyone's satisfaction very often.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you are expecting to ever be completely sexually satiated and content as a young, healthy male , as others have said - you will be disappointed.

Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Ron Jeremy, Nature Boy Rick Flair and countless other celebrities, professional athletes and rock stars have had sex with literally thousands of women and they still wanted more. 

As a grown, married man you kind of have to make a conscious choice on what will be best for you. 

All choices and decisions have their own set of pros and cons. They will all have their own benefits and sacrifices. 

You’ll always have a yearning for more and higher-octane sex. You’ll never be 100% satisfied because we were designed to always be in the hunt and always striving for “more.”

So you’ll have to decide whether that yearning and desire is too great to remain in your current marriage or whether the benefits of a stable and functional marriage outweigh your yearning for more and better sex. 

Only you can decide that based on your own wants and needs and your own personal values and mores.


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## DrummerCD (Sep 22, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If you are expecting to ever be completely sexually satiated and content as a young, healthy male , as others have said - you will be disappointed.
> 
> Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Ron Jeremy, Nature Boy Rick Flair and countless other celebrities, professional athletes and rock stars have had sex with literally thousands of women and they still wanted more.
> 
> ...


I gotta say, this is pretty helpful, you are completely right. I probably need to live with it. Our relationship is super stable and I don't want to lose any of it. I can say it only sex but it's also an important part and it's not like i'm getting nothing at all. It's just something that I will have to fight with.

Thank you,


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DrummerCD said:


> Yes you are right, more often has been fore a years now, it's just recently that I ask for different position. To be honest what I really what is for her to be curious and wanting different stuff and explore with me. What I like the more is giving her pleasure, If she doesn't like it I don't. I don't think I can make her want more herself.


I've been with my wife 34 years, so there isn't much we haven't tried that isn't outside our shared boundaries. That said I'm always looking for new and fun things to try with her in bed. I think that is actually how I stumbled across TAM. My wife is not super adventurous and has some reluctance when I suggest something new. However she trusts me and almost without exception once she gets turned on she goes for it 100%. We are also honest with each other about whether or not we enjoyed something after we've tried it. Open and honest communication is critical. 

We've tried a few things from the site I have linked below. In fact we just played their Truth or Dare game a couple nights ago. It was incredible. It was 2 hours of incredibly intimate discussion, touching and sex. I would highly recommend that one. 





__





Printables Archives - Uncovering Intimacy







www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Nearing my 37th anniversary, and this has been my reality from our wedding night. I don't want to be in a position of trying to speak for all people, but I have not seen too many success stories in this forum to make me think that people successfully solve this problem to everyone's satisfaction very often.


Yet you stayed.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

DrummerCD said:


> I gotta say, this is pretty helpful, you are completely right. I probably need to live with it. Our relationship is super stable and I don't want to lose any of it. I can say it only sex but it's also an important part and it's not like i'm getting nothing at all. It's just something that I will have to fight with.
> 
> Thank you,


Combine this attitude with @VladDracul 's approach and you'll have a winning combo.

Reduce your expectations of her to contribute, and lovingly lead once she's excited. Reduce requesting and talking about it when she's not. 

Simply, assuredly, adjust her position once you're making love and see how it goes. This took me a couple of years to work out, I was in a similar situation as you once.

Take the shorter more effective and loving route. Stop if she's not into it. You're done.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

During sexual union in the early years of marriage, my wife and I both focused primarily on our own personal physical and emotional feelings. Although she says that I tended to focus on myself more than she did on herself. Well, maybe.

As the years passed, we both became more aware of the other during foreplay and sexual union. I learned to be more patient and to listen more attentively to what she was saying , both verbally and nonverbally. She was saying a lot!

The best part about sex for me was the absolute joy, peace, and contentment I could see on her face during our love making. Realizing that I had the power to give her those feelings was fabulous and very wonderful. Of course, I have to say that the extent of her joy, peace, and contentment varied from time to time, maybe because we were pre-occupied, maybe because the wind was blowing from the south. Nevertheless, the experience and memories are priceless!

Just concentrate on loving your wife. She is priceless.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

DrummerCD said:


> I gotta say, this is pretty helpful, you are completely right. I probably need to live with it. Our relationship is super stable and I don't want to lose any of it. I can say it only sex but it's also an important part and it's not like i'm getting nothing at all. It's just something that I will have to fight with.
> 
> Thank you,


A lot of us think we know where this is probably going to end, that is not necessarily the place to start. You of course should talk frankly with your wife, invest some time and energy into being a good partner, don't be too forceful or demanding, and make a legitimate good-faith effort to uncover where your incompatibilities lie. 

You are not bad or broken for wanting more. Getting two people to agree on what constitutes a satisfactory sex life can be a hard business if they come into the marriage a long way apart. 

We just want you to be clear that there is no magic pill to take, book to read, or advice to heed that will guarantee success. This isn't NASA - failure IS an option, and you should know that going in if it is important enough to do something more than just wish. Now that you have children, you have a couple of decades to discover the answer.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

My wife was sexually inexperienced when first married. As we grew together sexually I slowly introduced things during sex. Anal play. A different position. Not pushed or pressured. In doing so these new areas and positions became something she desired. Specifically anal play. These made for better orgasm and more fulfilling sexual encounter. Try not to porn star your sex in one night is my point. It took us 20 years to get the freak flag flying monkey pretzel bending sex. And it is getting crazier.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DrummerCD said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am a man in my 30s, married for 10 years and got 3 young kids. We both lost our virginity when we first started dating, so we never experience anybody else. Sex was always more important to me than her. I always wanted to respect her and never wanted to ask to much of my wife, don't put too much pressure, even if sometime it was quite boring. So I use, and still, watch porn to satisfy my urge to not make myself crazy around the house. She also told me she never watch porn even masturbate, so she is pretty innocent at everything related to sex.
> 
> ...


You created your own problem by watching porn. It makes you horny all the time and gives you unreasonable expectations of someone who is your wife and not a paid sex worker actress or someone being sex trafficked as so many of them are.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You created your own problem by watching porn. It makes you horny all the time and gives you unreasonable expectations of someone who is your wife and not a paid sex worker actress or someone being sex trafficked as so many of them are.


I got married back in the day before you could even buy porn on VHS. I'm not even sure that I had ever seen a sex act performed on film at the time. Even then I knew that sex involved more than 15 minutes of missionary sex once a week with almost no foreplay.

Back then, when you wanted to know what sex was all about, you bought a copy of the Kama Sutra or The Joy of Sex. Which is really nothing other than porn snapshots.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DrummerCD said:


> So the big question, should I stop asking for more or ask differently?


This will be more of a conceptual point rather than any nuts and bolts advice, but as food for thought I have not “asked” for anything sexual in probably 30 or more years. 

It doesn’t sound like you are being rejected or denied at all and that you have maintained a consistent sex life for 10 years. 

My impression is not that your wife is necessarily LL or lacking of desire but rather that she is of responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire and that she is passive. 

The trouble with “asking” for sexual things is that often times the request is either being made while the recipient is either in a completely inert and nonaroused nonsexual state. In other words, when someone is pumping gas at Quick Trip or picking up a hairball the cat just hacked up and you ask if they want to try anal, the answer 99.9999999% of the time is going to be no. 

And a lot of passive, responsive desired people kind of have an automatic response of saying no when asked if they want to do or try something.

The feel put on the spot and self conscious and so the auto response is no. 

And then once they say no, that particular topic is kind of off the table. 

Responsive desire and passive people do better when you just kind of subtly and incrementally do what you are wanting to do organically rather than drawing the spotlight on it by asking if they want to try it. 

This is not to mean you go sticking things inside of people or up their butts without warm up or fair warning. 

But it just means you have to set the tone, set the stage, set the environment without fanfare or drawing attention to and then slowly and incrementally instituting what it is you are wanting to do. 

She sounds passive and responsive so it you are wanting her to throw you to the ground and beg for this or that like your chicks in the porn flicks..... well that just ain’t gonna happen. Those chicks are being paid to do what some creepy poem director is telling them to do. They don’t even do that in real life themselves.

The bottom line here is stop “asking”. Don’t ask - do. 

And if she is going along with it and not showing discomfort or resistance you can even add some gentle direction in directive manner rather than asking if she wants to. 

She has some accountability here to in that if something is going where she doesn’t want it to go, she needs to assert her boundaries and comfort limits as well. 

If she were rejecting or denying you, that would be one thing. 

But it doesn’t sound like that is happening so you may just need to be a little more assertive and directive in your approach.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm not part of the anti porn group, some situations I think it can be ok. That being said, stop with the porn. It is beginning to affect you marriage in a negative way. You see what the porn stars are doing and you get a craving for those types of things. Your wife is no porn star. You won't turn her into one.

Don't ask for new things. It won't get you anywhere and usually will set you back. Most women expect the man to be the director in the bedroom most of the time. This doesn't mean you slap your meat across her grill and give her a pearl necklace. Probably won't go over well. It does mean you can move things in the direction you want. Not going to say she is going to be down for everything you want but you will get much further. You need to be very aware of her when trying something new, don't ignore her response. If she seems uncomfortable go in a different direction for now. If she is enjoying it stay with it for a bit and go back to it later. If she says no then respect that no. I think you will find her quite a bit more responsive to exploration moving foreword in this manner.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

uphillbattle said:


> Don't ask for new things. It won't get you anywhere and usually will set you back. Most women expect the man to be the director in the bedroom most of the time.


Best way to get my wife to go full on catatonic. You never, EVER surprise her in the moment with a new idea, no matter how feeble. It has to be discussed first, considered, rolled around in the mouth like a fine wine.

Which doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, only that the advice isn't universal, OP knows his wife and needs to act accordingly.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Best way to get my wife to go full on catatonic. You never, EVER surprise her in the moment with a new idea, no matter how feeble. It has to be discussed first, considered, rolled around in the mouth like a fine wine.
> 
> Which doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, only that the advice isn't universal, OP knows his wife and needs to act accordingly.


Honestly for the most part I was speaking of past experience. I am able to bring anything up with my wife while talking at this point, it hasn't always been that way. If in the moment I try something new, she is usually down but on the rare occasion she is not she isn't shy about telling me no (I know what her hard no's are and won't push those in the moment). A lot of trial and error in our relationship but we understand each other pretty well now.


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## BillN (Sep 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I've been with my wife 34 years, so there isn't much we haven't tried that isn't outside our shared boundaries. That said I'm always looking for new and fun things to try with her in bed. I think that is actually how I stumbled across TAM. My wife is not super adventurous and has some reluctance when I suggest something new. However she trusts me and almost without exception once she gets turned on she goes for it 100%. We are also honest with each other about whether or not we enjoyed something after we've tried it. Open and honest communication is critical.
> 
> We've tried a few things from the site I have linked below. In fact we just played their Truth or Dare game a couple nights ago. It was incredible. It was 2 hours of incredibly intimate discussion, touching and sex. I would highly recommend that one.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the post. My marriage is in its 49th year and the inability to communicate even natural sexual desires with a naive but loving person has been awkward and frustrating. I think I’ll buy an intimacy item to try to help, except 50 years on she still gets embarrassed.


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## BillN (Sep 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This will be more of a conceptual point rather than any nuts and bolts advice, but as food for thought I have not “asked” for anything sexual in probably 30 or more years.
> 
> It doesn’t sound like you are being rejected or denied at all and that you have maintained a consistent sex life for 10 years.
> 
> ...


My wife is ready to resist “doing“ something new, whether mid-sex, in warm up or after warmup. She is responsive in about four positions, fixates on one sex toy and while she is satisfied successfully every time, thinks I ought to be more like her: content with little or no variety. I think her pride is involved. She is so disinclined to learn or try anything new, she says she skips the intimate scenes in all the hundreds of romance novels she’s read. She swears she skipped them in 50 Shades of Grey. I believe her. She insists she’s normal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, you are not very compatible and it will never change, unfortunately. Consider yourself lucky you are still having sex with 3 small children... this is the opinion of another optimist...


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

I have a different take on this than most of the chorus here. 
1. You won't change her. 

2. Make sure she loves the sex you DO have, and when you do have sex, be in it totaly, and enjoy whatever "level" it is. (I am using the term level to describe your current sex, whatever it is you guys do, and your sex dream /yearning as a "higher level"). 

3. Watch the porn you like, but keep it well controlled. Say once every couple of days, enough to get your self serviced orgasm. Don't spend more than a few minutes on it. (We both know we don't need more than that). 

4. Don't watch porn the day before and day of, your sex date with your wife. 

5. Understand that the porn you watch is not real and have no expectation that your wife will "do those things". 

6. Don't feel guilty about it. See it as part of your inner self. It has nothing to do with your wife, and if your sex with her does not suffer, and you are good to her in bed, your porn watching is not affecting her. I believe that in these situations, this (porn and mastubation) will stop you from any kind of thoughts of cheating, and can improve your relationship because you negate the tension that you had previously. 

7. Life is so much more than sex. Important, sure, one of the bedrocks of a good marriage, but in asymmetric relationships, whatever the cause of the asymmetry, porn, quietly and privately done, does no harm and can alleviat tension.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I wrote a book on the subject! *Check it out here.*


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