# Need ladies advice-



## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

Ok,

Here is a story-

Background- me, final stages of divorce, work in sales with 2 kids, one 8 and one 17.


her- Divorced in January, no kids, insurance lawyer

I met the most beautiful woman in the world from online dating- yes online- and she lived about 60 miles away. Decided to meet for brunch anyhow, and we hit it off like no one I have ever dated.

In a short period I ended up staying at her place on weekends, as I did not have my kids then, and before long we were madly in love. We did everything together, I have never met someone who would go so far out of her way for me, and I did the samein return.

She stated she wished we lived together, as she wants to spend our lives together and started talking marriage....ok says I, I rented my house, changed my custody arrangments with the soon to be ex so that I only had the kids on weekends- they go to school back where I lived, and moved in.

I moved in in July, she she has been so supportive of the kids and I.

But over the past few months things have changed. She used to call me 5-10 times a day while I was at work, just to make small talk and so forth, and every night was passionate. But now she says she is so busy she cannot talk during work hours, and sex is something she feels is great at first, but then steadies out- says I come on to her too much, that once a week or so should be enough.

She has a very stressful job, and in fact one she still does some work on weekends and I feel, well, taken for granted.

I work hard to show her how much she means to me, and take care of all she asks me to do.

We have been having small fights when I tell her that I need more attention and how things have changed. She says that is just how relationships go, and I am different and need to just be confident that she loves me, and she often talks about marriage....one thing about that bothers me though, she says she doesnt want to ahve the hassle of planning a big wedding, wishes we were just married already- no fuss.

He does work hard, in fact I know and she does too, that she is a workaholic. Career has always come first, and it was her $$ that enabled her to survive divorce ( which by the way she is not sure why she got divorced, one day her ex just said I am done,and no matter what she said, he was done)

I am starved for attention, considernig the way she treated me before, and so I call alot, and she gets huffy and tells me she is busy, can we talk after business hours.

No more passionate kissing, though I try, and she wants to just rest onthe couch at night and play with her animals- I sit there feeling rejected and bored.

We even used to read relatioship books together, we did that a lot, but now we dont do that, she says they ask too much of a person...like "dont they realize people work?"

she makes about double what I do, and told me she doesnt care about that, while pushing me to get a new job to make more $$. I make six figures now, and love my job...no stress really, and have been here six years. 

She has been recently promoted, and now work is even more busy for her.

We are both in our late 30's, and I want so bad just to be happy with how I have it, and I do have it great- she is nice, kind and cudley, but not the sexy woman I met.

We had one big fight this week, I told her I cannot go on feeling like I rank behind her job, and I need more attention. Not all the time, but brief chats during the day just to say hi, and then more passion at night.

She basically just broke down, said she loved me, wants to spend her life with me, but says she cant make me happy, as she does not have the time to. WTH?

We made up ( no sex though), and things were better, she even called me a couple of times , but after about 24 hours that stopped, and we are back to the samo samo.

I am not needy, or maybe I am. But I need to feel not taken for granted and truly desired.

I have played the "****" game before, when you start ignoring women and stop chasing them, then they come after you...but I don't want to play games, I do not want to have to act that way towards her.

Anyone have any suggestions?


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Relationships are like a game, it's just how you play it. 

It seems like she is really getting tied down to her work. But have you asked her what is going on at work? It might help her feel closer to you if she thinks you understand what is making her so stressed. Maybe she feels like you don't care about that aspect of her life so since she is so focused on it, she pushes you away. I don't deny that her work obsession is not healthy. 

Maybe you should try seeing a counselor before you get married. 

I'm no expert by ANY means and my H and I have issues too but it sounds like good old communication issues to me. 

Good luck!!


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

I ask her about work all the time, and she talks to me non stop about it, in fact it seems that is our number one topic of conversation....

It is like she is two people- the lawyer and then when she is doen with that, she just wants to relax and do nothing- and she wants everything else to just be easy, since her work is so hard.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you have two different love styles. Yes, she showered you with attention during the "get you" phase but now that she has you, she thinks she doesn't have to put time and attention into the relationship. Does she really believe that relationships don't require fostering and care and attention?

I'd be very wary of marrying her if you don't feel your needs are being met. 

I think now would be a good time to have a serious talk about your expectations and her expectations to see if you have two completely different outlooks.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Obviously there was a connection at some point. I think you two need to sit down and talk to each other and possibly a counselor to help figure out how to communicate your wants and needs. I wouldn't totally put off the idea of marrying her. Give it a chance, at least.

This might sting, but maybe she feels that you are being too needy. I have a had to learn a lot about self soothing sometimes. Like when my H wants to go and do his own thing or isn't feeling sociable, I just make the best of the situation and decide to just be happy that there isn't a bigger issue going on and find something to do on my own.

I feel like 5-10 different phone conversations in one day might be a little overkill. I can see this being perfectly normal in the beginning but eventually that newness wears off and life goes back to normal. She might be trying to distance herself from you because she feels that she can't meet your constant needs and doesn't know how to communicate to you that those puppy love feelings have worn off a bit. I don't think she doesn't love you anymore, she may just not know how to deal with it and quite possibly feels guilty that you are still having those new relationship feelings where she is not. 

It could also be that she is a workaholic and should seek some help.

I don't mean to judge you. Just hoping to shed a bit of light. 

Good Luck!


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

Makes great sense....really

Perhaps if I just back off a bit she might pitch in a bit?

She says she loves me, everything about me, but it is like she is two people- on who works and is super successful, and the other who is sweet and loving.

It just sucks tht the worker person, overides the sweet one a bit, well more than a bit.

All her friends are lawyers, they all work like freaks, and get divorced often...

humm...

Tht being siad, there is far more good than bad, just wish she would be able to see with a little effort- maybe 20 minutes a day, I could be even happier.

But then again, she says she does not take time out to eat or even go to the bathroom some days she gets so busy.... sounds like she needs some personal help IMHO.

Thanks


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What was the nature of her divorce?


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

gypsyrover, that might be the case. At any rate, she does have a responsibility to you as your significant other to fulfill your needs. So don't feel like it's all YOUR fault for being needy. She might also need to give some more. 

And she might not respond to you simply backing off. You may still need to talk to her and tell her that you agree to back off if she can make a special time to be with you or make it a point to devote more attention to you and the relationship. YOU MUST SPEAK WITH HER ABOUT IT! I wouldn't just expect it to get better. 

Do you see a connection between her and her friends? Maybe they didn't have time to communicate with their spouses either. She is lucky to have someone who cares enough to discus issues with her so that the relationship doesn't fall apart.

Just thought of something...you didn't mention anything about being engaged or married (just talk of such). Do you think that, since you are not married she is feeling like she shouldn't have as much of an obligation to you or the relationship. I don't mean to pry but if a proposal or engagement has been pushed off, maybe she is busying herself in order to not think about it. ???? Just a thought. Sorry if that was too personal.

Good Luck!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can relate to being two people, because my husband and I both have that. I used to be one person at work and one at home ( we were both AD military) so you kinda have to seperate the two. Honestly, if work for her is that stressful, then she is probably having to stay in the game, so I can see how she would need two seperate mentalities. My husband is still in the military, and I see that with him all the time. 

The phone calls, yeah its a bit excessive. You have to be able to tell her what you think is fair. Do you think maybe if she just calls you once during her work hours ( no matter how long they are) that would be acceptable? Honestly, that might be all she can do for that. I am not a big phone person with my hubby, though, so I might not understand the problem fully.

I do wish you the best of luck. I would definately think about having a nice dinner and talking through what your expectations are of each other and what you BOTH need from one another and see how that goes maybe!!


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

Her divorce-

She says she still doesnt know what went wrong, all was great till they were married, and once married her ex seemed to drift away, spent more time doing things wihtout her, and she thinks he was having an affair...the marriage ended when her told her he did not want to have kids- to be honest I dont see her being a good mom, as she is too devoted to work, and she admits she cannot multitask- so I kinda see his point.

After my children moving in she says she doesnt know if she wants to have a baby, as she says it seems they take too much work...duh.

As to engagement- I told her I didnt feel right- months and months ago- to get engaged till my divorce is final- it is Nov 6th- she is ok with that, and we talked a good bit about what type of edding she wants, till she got promoted, she then said she just wants to be married, and JOP works for her- with a prenup. lol.

She apparently had the wedding of the century with her ex, big time! I doubt it cost less than 20K- big DC wedding.

When we talk about my needs and hers, she just says she cannot do what I need due to work, period. Like she gives up, and unless I need less, she feels I am going to leave...says she worries about that.

Perhaps she needs to stop worrying and start putting some effort in, maybe just for once taking a break from work for a few and thinking about what truly makes her happy...she says I do, says she is happier than ever in her life- perhaps because I have taken the time and effort to find out what she needs, and deliver it. I work hard each day to hit her love needs...but it seems that when I do, she gets so confortable that she doesnt see any need to fufill mine.

That is why I think backing off might send a signal to her. But at the same time she might see that as the ex part two, and just pull back more...dunno.

Funny, I was just hit on by some really cute college age girls over lunch, always laugh such off..heck I even text her to let her know how funny it is...and she is hit on all the time by her clients as well, and we laugh about that...the only thing that is starting to bother me is that I look forward to being hit on, as the attention outside the relationship fulfills my need, one that I want filled in the relationship....never would cheat, ever...but I wish she would just see whe can fill my needs and she would be much happier as well if she did.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

I think that there is more than just one issue here. Communication, yes. But it also seems like she is wanting to concentrate more on her work than a marriage and children right now. I think when two people decide to get married, they both should be in the right mindset and if you two aren't then you should hold off for a while until she can figure out her real priorities. 

She doesn't seem to be able to figure out what she wants and doesn't know how to tell you that she is not over the moon about the idea of marriage right now and just wants to concentrate on work. 

It might also be that the closer you two get, the more worried she becomes for your relationship (given her past marriage). I REALLY think counseling would help for you both, separately and together. There are lots of issues here that need to be addressed. But there IS hope! Hang in there.


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

Humm- we both agreed to go to counseling- but she says she doesnt have time with the new promotion. In fact she told me she knows she is putting me on the back burner till all this gets set.

She says she wants to marry me, and to be with me for the rest of her life, but right now her job is in transition...but to me her job has always been, or at lest for the past few months, in the way...when I mention it she says "what do you want me to do, quit?"

And then the other day she feels like she has no "me" time- its either her work, or me, or my kids....

So we agreed she needs to spend more itme with friends, but then she ignores them to when they call...

I think she has set herself up to be too busy, and she needs to get a grip and realize life is more than $$.

I had a heart attack at 33, that taught me a valuable lesson....that life is about the ones you love, not chasing the almighty $. I still do well, but she is so focussed on money, like it will fix anything. But it won't, I love her for who she is, regardless if she was in the poorhouse- told her that btw.

I guess she is just overwhelmed and something has to give, and it seems she has chosen that to me- I am ok with that for now, but afraid it will be a trend.

oh well, off on my two hour commute home...

C


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm sorry but I don't see her being the "marrying kind." You don't get to put your husband on the back burner. It doesn't work. 

And honestly, anyone who doesn't know why they divorced wasn't very involved in the marriage in the first place.

You aren't happy with how things are now. I doubt you'll be happier later. There will always be an excuse about this promotion or that project or the next promotion. You don't get married to wait for retirement together. You get married to be together throughout. 

IMO, this isn't going to work for you in the long run. She may be great, but she's not marriage material. I mean, not unless you are equally driven and have no desire to be really close to someone.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

My opinion. You both haven't allowed your heart to heal from your past relationships. 

Jumping in too soon means that you don't have time to analyze, grieve, find yourself, etc. It becomes about ANOTHER relationship. She may have walls up from her past marriage. Very likely. You also bring in insecurities from your past relationship. If these haven't been worked out...you will pass it on.

The "in love" feeling will last 18 months to 2 years or so. That can't-get-enough-of-you feeling. It's completely normal to not have all the goodies of a long distance dating relationship. Life is messy and stressful and full of work. You already know this...there's not a UTOPIA.

I'd suggest to wait on any marriage until things are settled.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

I agree with Corpuswife. I would hold off on plans for marriage. One of your comments made it seem to me like she doesn't think she deserves time to herself; like she is inadvertently making more work for herself so that she can complain about not ever doing anything for her. Maybe she is trying to be hard on herself for some reason because she doesn't feel worthy of time away from her daily tasks. Or maybe she wants people to feel sorry for her because she is so busy. She might enjoy the sympathy. That is just human nature though and not wrong, but could be a cry for help. This could stem from her past relationship issues not being completely healed as Corpuswife said.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Counselor Counselor give me some words
Seems like our love went out with the birds

Is it a giant big a s s mistake
Hold on, i think we need to put on the brakes

Does she love me, does she not
Its like dying from that arrow that was shot

Seriously folks has it been written
twice shy once bitten

Is this love or just a good romp in the hay
Do you feel like a deer that's just been slayed

Attention, attention we all need attention
Its too bad, its really a shame, she's loaded to bear with her share of tension

But WOo is me, I'm not over it
I've discovered on my head yet another nit

Let time in a bottle go by
Your past love has not really ever truly died

So let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Comes to your senses, let the trade winds go by, and one day it will be she.


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

True,

I know she still wonders what happend before, and worries the same may occur again...

Good news is though, she said we do need to start counseling soon, as she wants to get married next July...says an hour a week is worth investing for a lifetime of love.

Found out that if I just let her be during the day, as I did yesterday, she is chomping at the bit to see me...she did work till about 10pm last night.

I think she does punish herself or at least feels guilty for not spending more time, but can't focus on it while focussing on work.

I know when we spend a weekend together, or a cruise like we did a month back for a week, she is the most attentive person I have ever met...but you can't spend your life on a cruise!

Just a lot of patience on my part is needed.

IMHO


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I suggest counseling on your own to see if this is something you really want. I don't think second marriages where one partner is put behind work make any sense. Why bother getting married then? I'd rather be single.


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## Gettingnowhere (Oct 9, 2009)

wow quite the responses will what I think is that she is business oriented and she may be putting to much thought into you having kids... also she might be thinking about how that might be a problem with her work. She did care about you I'm sure but now you have to keep in mind that she is both professional and beautiful and that guys come a dime a dozen.....are you sure the last guy she as would is out of her life for good? doesn't want her back? or had a good reason for getting rid of her? Some women just can't do both work hard and keep a guy very much attended too it's too hard for them. Tell her that you understand it must be difficult because she works so hard and is so good and proficient at everything she does...and that why you fell so deeply in love with her tell she could never know how much she means to you, and then back off of her friend you are thinking more than you are responding to her why don't you just listen to her and really make a connection with her eyes if she can not look you in the eyes than she is hiding something from you... do you ever wonder if she was just using you for reassurance that she wasn't losing her beauty and that she still has what it takes to make a guy fall so deeply in love with her? You must know that woman like that are also because of today's society are also a dime a dozen the married life you are expecting from her may not be all you want it o be .... she may just want marriage just to fill a void. Someone with kids is preferable so she can feel what it feels like (maybe)

"Those that make the most foolish decisions have based their love and lives on appearance alone but, if you were to look with your heart instead of your eyes only then will you be able to see the true meaning of happiness."
Quote by "Michelle M. Stephens" date written unknown


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

"...........one day her ex just said I am done,and no matter what she said, he was done)."

And you believe that, are you really that naive? You believe no explaination was given by her former husband as to why he decided to end the marriage? 

The fact is that she does not want to tell you why her husband ended the marriage. I suspect the reason is that no matter what he did - it was never enough. She has a void in her soul that she tries to fill with material objects, money, professional position, cruises, possesions, and "relationships" (that is where you come in) which in the end never does the trick - she will always need more. The "job" of filling her needs will eventually consume you and she will then move onto another "relationship" she believes can better fill the void in her.

You are just through one marraige / divorce cycle and now you are jumping into this mess again..........you have to be out of your mind.

You are the parent of two children, both at very difficult ages - focus on them, focus on their welfare, focus on keeping them in the right direction - that is a full time job in itself. Extract yourself from this woman or you will end up as just another male two-time divorce loser.


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

EB,

Good thinking points- we begin counseling next week- pre marriage and I admit at times I feel like I am another "check" mark in her list of successful living.

But then other times I do not.

I think, honestly, she cannot multitask, cannot focus on one thing at a time, and right now her focus is in her new position and she admits at times if she was me she would feel a little on the back burner, if you will.

But she claims work takes so much out of her, that she needs complete down time....funny, but she spent a good bit of the weekend tied to the Blackberry working, at least 2-3 hours each day.

Then she claims that she needs "her" time, time to do nothing.

I guess for me, it is tough sittng around watching her work in the evenings, then when it is "our" time she them wants time to herself.

Kind of makes one feel like they are an accessary, one to be played with when she is not too tired, or busy, and one that stays out of her way the rest of the time...she always asks me why don't you go do something?

I do have a ton of hobbies, but none are PC enough for her- I hunt, fish, and am a history geek if you will.... I have no desire to golf, and the only other hobby I do is Martial Arts, which I am testing for 2nd degree back shortly, but she doesn't like that much as when I come home from sparring with a busted lip, bruised and sore ribs, she declares that it is too unsafe... at 38 she just might be right...lol..

At the same time her deisre is swing dancing, so I have been taking lessons to join in, and she appreciates it, but wonders why I do it- I tell her it is not that I truly enjoy dancing, but that I enjoy dancing with her. I really do not like dancing, btw- not manly enough..lol

Anyhow, she has decided this weekend is her relaxing weekend,off to the spa and afternoon tea on Sunday at the Ritz...

I think I will spend time with the kids in the woods...

Just wonder when we might spend time togther then...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Wake up and smell the coffee. You have every bit of information you need.

If someone doesn't make an effort prior to marriage, sure as shootin' hell they will make less post-marriage. That's a guarantee.

Marriage REQUIRES effort. It requires input. It requires that the mate is given the #1 position. She doesn't get it. And she refuses to. That means you will always be relegated to the back seat after whatever is more important to her.

There is simply no reason to marry someone if all you're going to get is crumbs of their time. Don't you think you have a chance at meeting someone else who will actually consider you a priority? Do you have no self confidence?

I am remarried. If my husband offered me what she is offering you I would have declined. I can have that and variety without strings by staying unmarried. By being married, all I'd end up is lonely.


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## gypsyrover (Oct 8, 2009)

OK,

We start counseling on monday- pre marriage in her words- and here is a letter the counselor asked me to write-

Wanted opinions-



This is the letter Rob had me write. I laughed at it as well, but after writing and rewriting it over the past few days, I think there is a good reason to do so. Perhaps there is something important about communicating in writing, I think because you put more thought into what you are typing. I know I have as this has been written and rewritten a good bit. And I have invested some time in it, so I hope that you at least take the time to really digest it, as it is truly an honest appraisal of “us” from my viewpoint, and where I want us to be.

Everything is a compromise, I realize that, so I have lowered some expectations, as I realize they were probably unrealistic, and also have keyed into 3 areas that are most important to me, and my greatest fear. Ironically my needs are not really important to you, or at least you have indicated such in various conversations, as well as you never worry about my greatest fear.

Just like in the His Needs Her Needs book, each of us has different needs, but just because you do not need “A” does not mean I do not need it to be happy in the long run. You must accept that.

Both of us are too old to change what we need, the only thing we can change is the willingness to give each other what they require to be happy. We cannot just say – “well you should be happy with X”- doesn’t work that way, nor do human emotions. People need what they need, and we have to sit down and balance whether keeping a healthy relationship with them is worth doing what they need to be happy. If it is not worth the effort, then we need to be honest and just say so. Because if you truly care about someone, you want them to be happy, and by making them happy, it creates happiness for you. Or at least it should.

A rising tide lifts all boats.



Anyhow, enough blathering on about why this is important, and down to the meat of the matter. And what is funny, is I think there is a common thread.

myneeds in a relationship, states and goals.

1-	Affection- I need a good bit. You know this Cutie! I need a note every once in a while, a card now and then. A call just to say “Hi” and “I love you”. When I get home I need at least for a moment your attention, few minutes small talk…. Appreciation that I have driven four hours ( in extremely frustrating beltway clusters) to come home to you. Trust me, I would not drive that far to just live where I do, I drive that far to live with you. In a 1-10 scale, I would say this is about a 5, prefer a 7, but I also understand you cannot focus on much else when you are working, and when you are done working you are too tired to really worry about much or do much, you just want to shift into neutral and crash. And you really don’t need a lot of this (except rubs) so you can’t figure out why I do…sorry Babe, just do.
2-	Sex- Ok, here we are. Yes- I need it a lot more than you- to be honest can’t figure that out- you are almost 38, the age in which women are supposed to have the highest sex drive of their life. But you and this is not an insult, have a much lower sex drive than anyone I have ever met. And I know you think I have a higher one than any guy you have known, but Sweetie, maybe that is just because I am honest with you about it. I don’t know why your drive is so low- could it be your Catholic upbringing- maybe you have never truly explored your sexuality- maybe you are not deep down attracted to me in that way-maybe you are just too tired from work to feel “sexy” and just want to crash- Either way, after much research into couples sex lives, something is just not right. Average couples engage in sex 3 times a week, and when women hit their peak it is up to 5-6 times a week. It makes a man feel needed at the most basic level- it makes me feel appreciated. Not when you just say “ok” but when you initiate. Now you say that you have to feel the urge to initiate, and that I pursue you so much you do not feel the need. But Sweetie, take this how it is meant- If you really want me to be happy, perhaps that will be the “urge” for you. I would rate us right now at a 4, for me to be happy, it needs to hit at least a 7. I know this might be the toughest, so I am going to explain to you directly how this would be done. 
a.	Initiate at least once a week
b.	Not always at bedtime
c.	Not always in bed
d.	Explore more foreplay 
e.	Greet me at the door every once in a while with that intention when I get home.

Ok, spelled it out for you. Seems fairly simple.

3-	Recreational Companionship- Ok, I am going to be pretty direct here, and I think you appreciate it. I need you to do things with, not other people. There you have it. I know you will never hunt, fish or reenact really, ok, understand. But then we need to do other things together, a lot. Not just watch TV and crash each night. I can compromise and do that a few times each week, but then Sweetie here needs to go at least walk around Old Towne, hit a restaurant, Explore and discover. Run errands, I don’t care. I can find folks to hunt with, folks to reenact with. But I need you to be my companion on other pursuits. Women bond with people they can talk to, men bond with people they do things with. Couples who spend a good bit of time enjoying their hobbies with other people, soon find those people more attractive and that is what leads to affairs. Not because they want the relationship to end, but rather there is a hole in the relationship they band aid with someone else they bond with. Perhaps this is what occurred in your marriage. I want to bond more with you. And I know that you are way overworked, tired and shot by the time you are done working, and feel guilty as hell trying to get you to do something with me. On weekends you do things with me, day trips and so forth, and often you express that you do not have real “weekends” relaxing anymore. Well Honey, perhaps you put too much energy into work. I agree everyone in your profession does, but are they truly happy with life doing so? How are their private lives? What are their divorce rates? And will you die years from now being thankful you invested so much into work and so little into yourself and those you love? I would rate this area at about a 4 once again, prefer a 6. Not sure how to get to that range. Not sure how to help us in this area, as you are so tired and wanting to do nothing at the end of the day, or on a weekend.

Now I am afraid by giving this to you, you will throw up your hands and declare you just can’t do it. But you can, if it is important to you. They say that the definition of insanity is to repeat the same process and expect a different result. Think on it, if every relationship you have ever had you acted the same in, is it any wonder one after another failed? Are you hoping you will just be able to “change” your significant other so that they just accept your choices, for that is what they truly are, and are happy that way? Are you convinced just because you do not need something no one else should? Don’t know that answer. And are you willing to invest in our relationship, or any for that matter, what it takes to be very happy together, or is it just not worth it to you?

Overall, I would rate our relationship a 6. Solid, caring and we compromise and support each other 100%. I would be content to live my life at this level, though I do wish to be happier, honestly. I think we all do. I know I have made many changes, both outwardly and inwardly in my quest to make you happy. And you as well. I am not saying you haven’t. But Sweetie, you still live the same place. You still have your friends around you. You do not drive 4 hours each day just to be with me. You still have your dogs 7 days a week, I now have my daughter 2-3. I am not perfect, I know I have a long way to go to make you 100% happy, but I promise I am in this for the long run, and I also promise if you tell me something that will make your happier, I will do my best to do it. I just ask the same of you. Investing in “us” will, I promise, make you happier than any career ever will.

My greatest fear- you will submit to the grass is greener temptation. That you might feel you cannot make me happy, so then why not find someone who you feel will be easier to make happy. Everyone has special needs and wants in any relationship, and it takes a while for them to come to the surface. Nothing is ever easier. Just different. I guess I have a harder issue with this than any other…..as my ex left me for a live at home boy who makes ½ what I do, and everyday you are out and about with men that have far more money and power than I, and I worry you will find yourself wishing you were with them, rather than me. I guess that is my hidden fear, and one that I deal with every day.

I also feel that your career really interferes in us. Just being honest. You work long hours during the day, that I feel I cannot interrupt, you are working longer hours in the evenings and weekends now, and then when you finally have free time, you are so spent from work that you either do something grudgingly or you really want “you” time. Your job sucks the life out of you, and leaves very little for me. Just being frank here, Sweetie. Now I realize you cannot just wave a magic wand over it and make it stop at a certain time, and I know I can accept that you will need to do this for a time. But I must say, if our life together will always be like this, I will not be as happy as I feel we deserve to be .Why bother being married to someone when you cannot spare the time to have a family or enjoy that person? Something to work on down the road- I realize that, and accept it. But I must say, since the pilot program, you are not as fun and happy as you once were. Contact is less, fun times are fewer and stress is all over your face. You even forget to feed the dogs ( who I think you love above all else), eat, pee, poo or in general take care of yourself and those you love. That is just not healthy.

I know your fear is that once we are married, that I will leave. Perhaps because you ex left, and you still don’t know why. Maybe that is because you were so busy investing in your career ( as you viewed that as your main commitment to the marriage perhaps) you were detached from the relationship, and did not notice when he checked out…probably years before he actually voiced it…. Well, I won’t, unless you are planning on doing something to make me leave. And I know just typing it doesn’t really help, so I will work every day for the rest of our lives to prove that to you. That is a promise. 

Now in reading this, do not get worked up, upset or worried that anything is truly “wrong”. It is not. But I wanted to give you things you could do to make the man you love happy. Some folks need exact directions, and so here they are. I do not expect you to do all of them to perfection, that would be stupid of me. But you know I do expect at least for you to read this over, think it over and perhaps here and there try a few things. I do not think that is too much of an investment to have a life shared with someone you love.

I need you to honestly digest what I have written and judge for yourself if a loving lasting marriage is worth that which I ask.

Now that I have written down mine, if there is anything I could do that would make your happier, let me know. I am here to do so. For if you truly love someone, you place their wants above yours or at least on equal footing.


So there is it, my letter. Nothing to stress over, but my honest assessment of where we are in my humble opinion and where we could be.

Hope you read this as it was meant to be, and feel secure in my commitment to you, for ever and always.

Love,

Your


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You do a lot of back-pedaling and she can walk all over you because of it.

A solid 6 is no place to begin a marriage. And then saying that there is nothing really wrong will get you a "so what are you going on about then?" response.

If you aren't prepared to end the relationship if you don't get what you want, then why would you bother doing this? She'll concede whatever, and then fall back into her old pattern and you'll be right where you are now, only further defeated.


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