# Don’t know what to do



## RVAhusband (Apr 5, 2018)

So here’s my story of hell.....

I am 30 yrs old and have been married to my 29 yr old wife for 6 years. We have been together for 11. We have and 8 yr old daughter who is awesome and very innocent.

3 weeks ago my wife’s 55 yr old Dad died. At first she seemed to be handling it okay because it was cancer and we knew the day was coming. But 2 weeks ago, things changed. She told me she was shutting down and doesn’t know what to do anymore🙄. So I said okay I’ll give her that and try to be there for her cuz maybe it is a part of grieving(even after reading a bunch of articles that basically that’s the beginning of the end of a marriage). We are healthy, in shape, have good jobs, nice house, good marriage etc. So I thought she would see all that is better than the road she was about to go down. So she decided stayed at her moms off and on. I hid an extra iPhone in her car so I could monitor, using the find my iPhone app cuz something didn’t feel right cuz she hasn’t stayed at moms in 7 yrs.

So, she definitely was going straight there and back(which was a relief) She was being a complete ass to me tho. Like I was a disdain on her existence. I was very confused, sick, on the brink of an anxiety attack for at least 4 days until yesterday.

Yesterday it seemed like a switched flipped and she was the person I love. She texted me all day. Called me like normal. We did some family stuff after work. Watched TV after my daughter went to bed, then had great sex.

Then... Life crashed again. After sex she went to the bathroom and I saw her phone and looked thru just to cap off this great feeling of love again. There it was. She is and has been texting another man. Nothing sexual or really flirty, but she is the main contributor of the texting. In a rush and having this crushing feeling I looked thru about 30 txts and didn’t see much but forgot to remember this persons number and she didn’t have the name saved.

Soon as she came out the Bathroom I confronted her and she didn’t care. She tells me it’s and old friend and that’s all it is. I told her I want to know who it is and it has to stop. She said she will not tell me and it isn’t going to stop and doesn’t care(this lasted about an hour but that’s the conclusion of the convo)

We are supposed to go on a family vacation in like 5 hours and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ruin this for my daughter cuz she is already dealing with the death of her grandpa who she was really close with. But I know I’m going to be in living hell for 4 days.

Also, I have no parents and our friends are all self involved and I don’t feel like telling them. What do I do to relieve this insanely crushing feeling for me and my daughter. I hurt more for her in this situation than myself, but I need to feel better before I can help her thru this. I just want to wake up from this bad dream.

Furthermore, I have a plan when I get back from this trip(unless I decide in the next couple hours not to go). I am going to tell her she needs to leave, and I will be filing for a divorce and we need to separating our things. If she wants to change and make things right like full transparency with her phone etc. Then maybe I’ll try to take her back. And if she doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.


Just need some advice from anyone who has been thru this or has any helpful info. Thanks


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Well I'm sorry for you. Glad you found your way here....
Sounds like there is an affair going on if she won't reveal his name.
Man I was in your shoes 16 years ago. It's tough.
Ask her if she would be interested in MC.
Prepare yourself for news that they did get physical.
Start trying to get small things in order in your life. Order (goodness) will push back the feeling of Hell (chaos). No matter how small the order, it helps.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



RVAhusband said:


> She said she will not tell me and it isn’t going to stop and doesn’t care(this lasted about an hour but that’s the conclusion of the convo)
> 
> Furthermore, I have a plan when I get back from this trip(unless I decide in the next couple hours not to go). I am going to tell her she needs to leave, and I will be filing for a divorce and we need to separating our things. If she wants to change and make things right like full transparency with her phone etc. Then maybe I’ll try to take her back. And if she doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.


RVA,

I think you do know what to do, because you've got a pretty good plan.

Some suggestions however:

-Take the vacation trip for your child. You can't get those precious times back. Concentrate on your child during your trip and don't lash out at your wife. Just fake it for a few days.

-In regards to your wife's refusal to stop contact and name the OM; yes you shouldn't accept that and yes that is a divorce worthy action on her part. But you can't legally kick her out of the house if she refuses to go. If she continues this behavior, be prepared to put her out of your bedroom, implement the 180 to detach, quietly consult with a divorce attorney and formulate your exit strategy.

-However there is another strategy to consider. Play cool for now like everything is fine and use the next week or two to try and get the "smoking gun". Review your wife's cell phone records for how often, how long and when, she's talking to the OM. Put a VAR in her car and see if you can record her talking to the OM. If you can get her cell phone for 30 minutes alone, you can put spyware on her phone and get her texts real time. I suspect you'll catch her in short order, but you've got to back off confronting her again so she doesn't take this further underground in the mean time.

Personally I would want to get solid proof, but either strategy is valid.

Sorry you're here. Good luck and keep posting.

Edit to add:

Also, once you have the OM's number you can do a search on it through any number of reverse phone # services or even a PI, to ID the OM. If by some small chance you don't get any evidence after a week or two, you can revert back to the first strategy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

Get solid proof before you make any moves. Hire a PI if need be. That is usually the foolproof method.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

First things first ... IMHO, the trip, as planned, is now off. I would either cancel the whole thing, or go with your D alone. WW has effectively lost her ticket.

The rest you seem to have a pretty firm handle on. If she won't give up the name of OM or agree to quit communicating, you don't have a M any more, and to piggy back on my above advice ... if you no longer have a M, there is no reason to include W in vacation plans.

Personally, I'd just cancel the trip and use the time and money to consult with an attorney about D.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



MyRevelation said:


> First things first ... IMHO, the trip, as planned, is now off. I would either cancel the whole thing, or go with your D alone. WW has effectively lost her ticket.
> 
> The rest you seem to have a pretty firm handle on. If she won't give up the name of OM or agree to quit communicating, you don't have a M any more, and to piggy back on my above advice ... if you no longer have a M, there is no reason to include W in vacation plans.
> 
> Personally, I'd just cancel the trip and use the time and money to consult with an attorney about D.


I concur. Your child will recognize the tension and distress in you. The trip will be miserable for all(except your W who will be texting some douche bag the entire trip). Don't let your W have that. The time, since you have it for 4 days, should be used to resolve what is going on with your W.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



RVAhusband said:


> So here’s my story of hell.....
> 
> I am 30 yrs old and have been married to my 29 yr old wife for 6 years. We have been together for 11. We have and 8 yr old daughter who is awesome and very innocent.
> 
> ...


What was the overall content of the texts?

And, assuming that she uses an iPhone, were the texts that she sent him in blue bubbles or green bubbles?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

My personality probably wouldn't allow me to go on vacation with this flapping in the wind. In that regard, you'll have to do what you have to do. Now for the nitty gritty. Her actions show she has lost a lot of interest in you and the marriage. The other man is there as a filler. If you were the "apple of her eye" there wouldn't be no OM, staying at mom's, and treating you like a piece of dog shyt. 
At this point it hard to say exactly how far she's went with this guy, but don't be surprised if they are sleeping together or soon will be. By her action, she's already written you way down of off her list of priorities. 

I don't know hard she took her father's death but its possible the stress caused a chemical reaction in her brain that has screwed up her thinking. Stress can typically bring about chemical imbalance and related episodes in people with bipolar disorder. Unless its ruled out, she may have some degree of bipolar condition. I think we all have some degree of bipolar disorder.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

How close was she to her father? How big of an emotional hit is losing him? And most importantly, are you really there for her emotionally for support? Because from what you wrote, it sounds like she is filling a need that you are not doing a very good job of meeting.

There are few harder stresses on a person than losing a loved one. Have you stepped up appropriately?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would go on the trip. It’s a perfect place to leave a VAR in the hotel rooms while you take your daughter out for whatever. Cheaters can’t stand not talking to their lovers while on vacation.

The good news is she had great sex with you. Cheating women that fall in love with someone else usually cut the husband off or act like a log during sex. Sound familiar at all? If they are just being promiscuous though, sex with you may actually increase.

Another possibility is to snake her phone while on vacation if she isn’t able to guard it every minute like at the beach. It would be hard for her to make scene out in public too. Of course she may think she has deleted anything incriminating already. That may be why their was nothing sexual in the texts you saw.

No matter what you do never give up any sources and always stay on an even keel. Everything you do may come up in a divorce/custody battle. What state do you live in, all states have different laws and some really favor women. 

Check out dadsdivorce.com

Could you reconcile if she’s banging him?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. You get his number you'll be able to identify him


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



RVAhusband said:


> So here’s my story of hell.....
> 
> I am 30 yrs old and have been married to my 29 yr old wife for 6 years. We have been together for 11. We have and 8 yr old daughter who is awesome and very innocent.
> 
> ...


*Sounds like you've formulated an excellent plan of action!

Go with it!*


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Bag the vacation and start digging and file.
Divorce is a process. It doesn't happen over night. Nothing is final until the judge signs the decree.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is clearly made a choice between you and her OM

Will not tell you who he is.
Refused to stop texting.
Said she did not care what you think or what you say - basically he means more to her than you, her daughter, her marriage. He is her everything. You are not even worthy of a single though in her mind.

I would serve divorce papers. You don't have to actually go though with the divorce, but if her feelings do not change, you will be much better off without her.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I went on a cruise with my ex after I found out about her fooling around on me. The only reason I went was because it was not refundable and we had already got our kid excited about it. Im usually a laid back kind of guy, but I nearly lost it a couple times being stuck in a car with her 6 hours both ways. I think my daughter enjoyed it, so maybe it was worth it, but I hate cruises to this day, it was awful. Pure Hell.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would go on the trip for your child. Its only 4 days.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Go on the trip.....and start the 180 on your WW while there....

Only talk to her about your child and let her know she will be needing to move permanently to her mom’s when you get back and begin the work of separation of assets for D.....

And call your MIL before you leave to give her a head’s up that WW will be moving in with her after the vacation, as well as informing her about the POSOM and the fact her daughter will not end the A.....so D will be forthcoming.

I doubt WW’s mother, who is grieving the loss of her spouse, will be too happy that her wayward daughter is adding this drama to the stress she is already dealing with.

You need to show your WW that keeping her secrets and POSOM will result in her losing ALL of her life as she knows it....not just trying to deal with the loss of her dad.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

She's cheating! Do the 180 now!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Whoa, Nelly! Slow down for a minute!!!
@RVAhusband You are jumping to conclusions here, and I am really bothered by the fact that you are so quickly jumping on the divorce train.

Her father died just three weeks ago. Losing a parent--even when it's expected--and the following grieving process is HUGE. HHHUUUUUUGGGGEEE!!!! She is likely still in a state of shock, and she is trying to learn how to exist in a world where her father doesn't. That's why she "doesn't know what to do anymore." And staying with her mother... they are likely leaning on one another for support right now, and I expect that is why she is staying with her mom on and off. (I can't stand my mother, but if my dad passed, I'd be at her house every weekend for a while.)

I'm going to echo what another poster here has asked... how supportive have you really been during this time? Have you been a shoulder to cry on? Have you asked her how you can help her? Do you even know what's going on with her right now? Is she helping her mom figure out his estate and the financial paperwork? Is she under stress because her father didn't leave things well in order? How is her mother holding up? Are your wife and MIL barely holding it together? What are you doing to help them?

I would bet that this old friend is someone that knew her dad, and one of the few people who reached out and offered her emotional support, and she's leaning on him the way she SHOULD be leaning on you. Very few people tend to reach out and offer support to someone who's grieving the loss of a loved one, because they're afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing, so those grieving tend to accept help and support from whomever will offer it. And I'll bet she's not telling you who it is because she's upset that you haven't really been there for her. And you've made it worse by accusing her of having an affair.

She needs your support and love right now, not accusations. And you have ZERO solid evidence of any affair.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

Time is not your friend. If you want to save this marriage then you have to act firmly, decisively, and take the lead in this whole thing. You can't show one ounce of weakness. Don't cry in front of her or beg her. She'll just find that weak and pathetic as opposed to the OM who appears strong and confident. You have to flip this script right now, right away or it slips away from you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

RVA,

Before you go all Mustang on this, you need to think out some questions and determine for yourself what is the action you will take.

1) If your W is "only" talking with OM and nothing sexual has transpired only emotional talk, will you stay with her if she agrees to stop conversing and agrees to MC. 

2) If she refuses to stop talking with OM, are you willing to D.

3) If she has crossed the line physically with the OM, are you willing to D. 

The point.. You need a plan and being willing to take action, but...

You need to cool the jets for right now. You need the truth and how far she has crossed the line. STOP CONFRONTING NOW. You need to be investigating without her on constant edge. If she has crossed the line, she will never admit to 100% the truth. It just doesn't happen.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I dunno....it seems you went for the nuclear option. I lost my dad last year. He was very, very old (96), deteriorating, and was never much of a dad to me. I am older than you, but he was my first parent to go. Honestly, it was still a shock. You truly are never ready, I guess. I didn't expect to have much of a reaction, but it just made me think about my life and choices I had made. I relied on my husband and he was a great support. I was more myself in a couple of weeks.

We all grieve differently, but I am telling you this because...when did the texting with the OM begin? Maybe your wife did not feel she was getting the support she needed from you so she reached out to someone who is kind. You said the texts were not sexual. Having said all that, the fact that she would not disclose is no small matter. Perhaps it is an ex that she knows that would be an issue? Whoever it is, she has made it an issue - a big issue.

Since you had the presence of mind to put an iphone in your wife's car to track her and because you went from 0 to 60, I am guessing there issues in the marriage her before her father's death.

I agree with the person who said take the trip but tell the wife to stay home. This is too upsetting for you to spend time together and not have your young daughter caught in the tension. My suggestion is to lay it out to her before you go. You have very valid concerns, so let her know that you can not continue with her having a secret mail friend and any other things that concern you. Tell her you are prepared to end the marriage and she must either come clean upon your return or be prepared for you to take the next step.

Good luck


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

It seems OP decided to go on the vacation. He's a good father.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



badmemory said:


> It seems OP decided to go on the vacation. He's a good father.


Agree and disagree ... clearly, he went on the vacation, but that in and of itself doesn't make him a good father ... he either was or was not a good father before this single decision. What it does indicate is that he is unwilling to stand up to his W and refuse to share his W with another male, be it friend or lover.

Good Father? Maybe

Doormat? Probably


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



RVAhusband said:


> In a rush and having this crushing feeling I looked thru about 30 txts and didn’t see much but forgot to remember this persons number and she didn’t have the name saved.
> 
> *Soon as she came out the Bathroom I confronted her*


Right here was the problem, you've got to stay silent until you have full information so you know what you are confronting. If something is happening, you likely drove it underground with this false confrontation.

There is a lot going on right now with the father's death, and there is something wrong if she won't tell you who it is that she is texting. The extent of the wrong is currently unknown. There is high likelihood she has reconnected with someone from her past, probably an old flame.

If roles were reversed and you were texting a female "old friend" and refused to tell her who it is when she asked, would she be ok with that?

Obviously check phone records, email etc. What is your relationship like with the MIL? Can you approach her directly?

You need to gather evidence before making any other false confrontations.

Sometimes a parent dying makes one think about how short life is and that they suddenly are the next generation that will be moving on. It is often a catalyst for action on things you always wanted to do in life. If there was a "one that got away" in her past, she could be thinking its time to go for it. There is also the possibility that extra curricular activities were already happening and this event pushed it to a new level.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

Yes you do and you are doing it. 

Your plan is sound. What you don't know is that she is having an affair, and even if she was not, by refusing to stop the chatting with the guy proves her disrespect for you. RED Flag. 

Just so you know, she is lying. She is having at least an emotional affair, and if he is local she has slept with him. 

Either way, you cannot allow the disrespect shown about cutting contact. Start the process, track her movements, check your phone bill, have her served, then you can talk with her. 

And for all the ladies and other posters, if OP comes back, he will later post most likely that turns out it was a full blown affair, for probably 3 to 6 months, maybe longer. 

We will find out that OP was a little weak with her in the past, so she got board with him. 

Looks like OP is on task and will resolve this situation in good time. 

And, remember that it is common courtesy to apologize for all the banging I am going to get until it turn out I am right...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

There have now been two posters who have questioned whether OP was REALLY there for his WW like he frankly stated he was trying to be....

His WW said she was confused about life and left to her mother’s.....something she seems to have been been intermittently doing based on OP’s report....

Coming back to be cold and nasty towards him....

Then come to find out....she is talking to a POS that she refuses to name or stop talking to.....

If this ‘friend’ is just someone she has reached out to because OP has been an uncaring and unsupportive ‘meany’ (as some seem to suggest by questioning if he has really been telling the truth).....then why in the h*ll would she need to keep the identity of this wonderful, supportive, and caring individual a secret?

I mean if he has just been picking up OP’s cold hearted and mean spirited slack towards his suffering W....and everything is actually above board.....then why is his identity a necessary mystery?

If that scenario was in any way justifiable, then OP’s W would not be shy about calling her H out for his abandoning her in her time of need and openly telling how Mr.Wonderful was the only one there for her.

But that hasn’t been the case.....

It has been:

He is just a friend

No....you can’t know who he is or see what we are talking about

No....I will not stop secretly talking to him.

Some posters have been correct in stating that the loss of a parent can be an extremely traumatic experience in life.....

But it in no way justifies a single d*mn thing his WW has been doing.....

And I have not read even a snippet of info from OP that would suggest he has been lying about being there for his WW after her dad died.

What I see is a man who has tried to be there....and has been completely blindsided by his WW suddenly jumping into an inappropriate relationship of some kind.

IMO his best course right now is still to do a hard 180 and inform his WW in no uncertain terms he is not going to tolerate her betrayal....no matter what sadness or trauma she is feeling over her dad.....

He doesn’t have to sit back and calmly accept her infidelity because she is in crisis.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Go on the trip for your daughter. Use the next 4 days to do some planning on how you are going to handle this. The second you are back from the trip seperate all finances, cancel any joint credit cards, and stop supporting your wayward wife financially, emotionally, whatever.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*



RVAhusband said:


> So here’s my story of hell.....
> 
> I am 30 yrs old and have been married to my 29 yr old wife for 6 years. We have been together for 11. We have and 8 yr old daughter who is awesome and very innocent.
> 
> ...


First off. You might not be communicating with us very clearly because I don't understand that when she was shutting down a week after her father died and was going to her mother's house, how that wasn't anything but very normal behavior.
Her treating you like **** for a few days is a concern but maybe not extremely strange given what she is going through.

Now on to the texts. They weren't flirty you say. What were they about?

I would take your vacation and enjoy it with your family.

She does need to tell you who he is and how he is involved with her but you are not coming across well about your concerns about it.

There is obviously something going on between you two that hasn't been conveyed through your post or else you are coming off like an insecure controller type.

Again, she does need to tell you about the man she is texting but we don't know enough about what they were saying or the circumstances to make a good call on it.

Aside from the texting. Her behavior doesn't seem abnormal for someone who just lost a parent at all.

She does need to communicate with you and she does need to answer for treating you poorly as well as what is going on with the text guy but until more is revealed, I don't fully understand the divorce angle.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Don’t know what to do*

So if I get this right, your wife lost her dad, went into some kind of depression, was being a bit of an a$$ to you, is up and down with her emotions and started texting a man (who according to you did not initiate any of this) with harmless texts - not sexy, flirting or personal.

She clearly needs to be treated for depression and you need to stop the texting with the other man. Let him know that she is depressed and it would be best if he did not entertain this texting. Unless you think that there is something more going on ?


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## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

@FeministInPink.

I understand the slow down on the D train and agree with it, however when your married there shouldn't be anything you should hide. Why would she not give up the name and number? This is her husband she is speaking to, the person she made the ultimate promise to, the person she was to spend the rest of her life with. If it’s simply for support sake, then she should tell him that and tell him he hasn't been supplying the support she needs. Right now she is simply compounding the problem if that is all it is OR she is hiding something. Having been through the devastation of having my wife betray me. I would now work to get all the information I could and make an informed decision with my number one goal of protecting my children before anyone else including myself. I'm sorry to hear about her dad, but that is no excuse for her actions. Betrayal does nothing but humiliate the spouse and destroy families. 

RVA - Listen to the group as a whole, read as many of the other posts as you can and look for all the common denominators. Then I suggest following that overall advice. Good luck to you.


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