# Enough is Enough.



## BigInJapan (Dec 26, 2012)

Let me open with a caveat:

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. Sometimes I do and say things I regret.

I'm opening this way because the story I'm about to tell is unbelievably one-sided. Read it and you're liable to think I'm fishing for sainthood.

But this is going to be as objective, factual a telling as I'm capable of giving.

Here we go.

Background: Married 18 months. I'm a U.S. citizen wife is Korean. We live in Seoul.

It's been a rough week. W is going through some stuff with her girlfriends. Feels left out, mislead. Try to listen and be supportive.

Unfortunately, as so often happens, I was soon the object of her rage.

Cursed at, punched, suicide threat used to control -- pretty typical behavior when she's in this state.

This is Tuesday.

I told her I wouldn't be anywhere near her while she raged, went to bed in a separate room and counted down the hours till I could flee our hell of an apartment for the relative peace and comfort of work.

Arrive home after work on Wednesday.

She asks if I want dinner. I tell her "no thanks".

At this she bangs open the refrigerator and goes for the supper.

I tell her, "Let's just leave that in the fridge."

"Why?" she asks.

"Because I don't want it to end up on the floor."

"How do you know it's going to end up on the floor?!"

"Because I know."

And then we're off to the races.

Dinner is flung to the floor, the bowl of food I had in my hand was violently knocked into the sink.

I'm on my way out the door. She grabs my book bag and begins violently tearing it off my back.

Her reasoning is that because she gave me the book bag she has the right to take it back whenever she wants.

The real motive, of course, is that the last thing she wants is for me to honor my boundaries of leaving the house when she's violent and raging.

Bear in mind, this book bag is filled with my notebooks, computers, etc for work. Basically everything I need to earn a living for my family. I tell her, "I need you to let go of my bag so I can leave."

This goes on for a minute or two and then she rips my shirt off my body. Just rips it clean off. Can't quite get the job done so she grabs a pair of scissors from the counter and cuts the rest.

I'm showing very little outward emotion at this point but tell her, "You know that's a really terrible thing to do. I'm tired of being disrespected by you."

And then she spits on me. Spits. On. Me.

Still, no emotion from me. I say something to the effect of "I can't believe you would spit on me."

Her justification: "You spit on my life!!!"

(I really have no idea who this sociopath husband is she's convinced she's married to.)

W storms into the main room and I take to the bathroom to clean up so I can finally leave.

W starts pounding on the bathroom door. I explain I'm washing my face and will be out when I'm finished.

W breaks the doorknob off the door.

I changed shirts and toss the destroyed shirt to the ground and ask her to throw it away.

(I won't lie. This was an act of provocation on my part. I was, as you can probably imagine, pretty furious by this point.)

W snatches shirt from floor and begins to whip me with it about the face and chest.

I'm out the door and she latches back onto the book bag. She's clinging to the bag (which remains filled with my important work belongings) with one hand and hitting me with the other.

At this point I'm right on the edge. I don't raise my hand to her. I never, EVER have. But I do square my shoulders, stand nose to nose with her, and growl "You NEVER hit me. Let go of me NOW." 

Her response is to rip into my chest with her nails. The immediate bruises and blood is enough to snap her out of it.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" she says.

And I lose it. I just lose it. Go into the bathroom and just wail. Am I humiliated to breakdown like that in front of her? Absolutely. But it was that or physically harm someone. There's only so much a man can take.

To recap:

1) W works herself into a rage and makes me the object of her fury.
2) Is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. (I can't recount on this forum the horrible things shouted at me.)
3) W refuses to honor my boundaries of space/distance when she's raging.
4) W's rage culminates in a "nuclear moment" (my bloodied chest.)

In addition, she refuses to take responsibility or ownership. This is an ongoing thing even when times are "good". She tends to see everyone else as the problem.

This stems from a very abusive childhood where she was made to feel that even her very existence was blameworthy. Although I'm sorry for the difficult childhood she endured, my sympathy towards her is more or less burned to cinders.

Last night she approached me, nominally apologetic, and said something to the effect of "I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm hurting too. You weren't nice."

This is only a sampler. I could add in things like: destroying our wedding photos, trashing a number of my electronics, tell me in very crass language to "go **** another woman", throwing our pets out of the apartment, threatening suicide with a deadly kitchen knife (no more sharp objects at our apartment), telling me I want her dead, etc etc

Before the keyboard psychologists chime in with their BPD or Bi-polar or PTSD diagnoses let me be quick to say that I don't really care. Enough is enough.

At this point I think the writing is on the wall. It's really a shame. I'm not a perfect guy by any means, but my self-conception hasn't been so warped by this that I can't see myself clearly.

I guess some people truly don't want to be happy.

She's broken this marriage. She needs to fix it. Can't say I'm at all confident on the likelihood of that.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm a little confused really. You stood there and waited for her to go find a pair of scissors to cut up your shirt, while you were on your way out the door? 

I fully understand your desire to provoke the situation when you were in the bathroom- I too reach a breaking point and often to my own horror hear myself saying things like "OH, you want escalate this? Bring it on!".. which never once made anything better fwiw.

My point is, if you were intent on leaving, it sounds like you could have left. I'm not laying blame, just pointing out that it seems like you wanted to take it to the next level. Showing no emotion and just standing there often makes things worse than if you escalated it and showed emotions.

Regardless, you are correct- she blames you for her life's problems, and she appears toxic. No reason to stay, especially if you don't have kids. Get out while you can. Those of us with these types of SO's who do have kids have far less flexibility..


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...I'm sorry to hear about your night. I've been through very similar nights. Oddly enough, including the ripping off of clothes. It is worrisome that she uses tools. None, or very little of it, was your fault. You know how people always say that the problems in a marriage are 50/50? Sometimes, your 50% is just choosing to stay.

I wonder a bit though...if I understand your plan correctly, you plan to wait around for a mentally ill woman to fix your marriage?

I can understand running like jiggity...

I can sort of understand blindly going forwards...

I can understand giving her an ultimatum and sticking to it...

I can't understand the more rational person not taking responsibility for their life and formulating a plan for the future. You might start with one of you finding somewhere else to live? Divorce is easier if you're not under the same roof. Anyways - best wishes. Hopefully, today will be better.

--Argyle


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## BigInJapan (Dec 26, 2012)

Let me clarify:

My options were to 1) let my W have my bag (which would almost guarantee the destruction of my work computer), or 2) try to wrest the bag from her clenches so I could take it with me when I left.

Of course I didn't stand around and wait for her to get a pair of scissors. There happened to be a pair within reach.

If we were stateside you can trust and believe I'd be staying with friends or family right now. As we're in Seoul that isn't an option.

She has INTENSE abandonment issues and knows the rules: You rage, I'm out the door. Could be for a couple of hours, could be for the evening.

As a result, she'll do ANYTHING to keep me in the apartment. Seizing my bag being a good example.


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## BigInJapan (Dec 26, 2012)

@Argyle,

As you can no doubt appreciate, the decision to divorce is not an easy one to arrive at. In spite of the hell that has erupted between us, I still love my W.

That said, I'm not willing to sacrifice my life, happiness and well-being for the sake of love -- not a "love" that results in deep gashes across my chest.

Clearly, I have no expectations of her pulling her sh*t together and making things right. However, as a relatively sane person there's part of me that DOES NOT GET how you can't just suck it up and do the right thing.

I'm a no retreat, no surrender optimist -- probably to a fault. But I've hit a brick wall with this. I take the marriage vow very seriously, but it's tough not to see her behavior as a complete abdication of her commitment. 

Grounds for divorce, in other words.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

How about getting her to a mental health practitioner for evaluation and treatment? You don't indicate when and how this behavior started in your relationship. Too many unknowns to make any reasonable assessment.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Was she like this from the time you met her? Given her cultural background, would she be open to individual counseling?

Out of curiosity, how "easy" would it be to get a divorce if you're in Korea? Please know I'm not saying you should stay in the marriage. A lot of people would have bailed on the marriage by now and I wouldn't knock them for it.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I have to agree with Coffee that she really needs individual therapy. You can't be her therapist. It's up to you how much support you have left in you to give, but what you're describing is serious emotional problems IMO. She may be fixable, but she's going to have to take responsibility enough to decide she wants it to be fixed. It sounds like the nominally apologetic moment of "I'm hurting, too" indicate that she has at least some awareness of a need to address the hurt.

It almost sounds like she's trying to hurt you before you hurt her - kind of like running you off because she's convinced she's going to lose you anyway, and she's pre-emptively giving herself some control for those moments. Like if it's going to end, she doesn't want it to be done to her, so she wants to be the one doing it. I have no name for it, but given the background you've described, it would make sense to me for her to be pre-emptively protecting herself.

Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like a situation you would want to bring children into, so if you decide to stay with her, I would think it would need a condition that she has to really make an effort to get herself into good health, and establish a home that one day may be a safe and healthy place for children. I don't know how you would tell her that, though, because it sounds like a very explosive situation. My guess is that she doesn't want to lose you, but doesn't know how to keep you, either, and the more she is afraid she's going to lose you, the more this erupts within her.

Definitely I'm saying she needs therapy. It's heartbreaking to read about her, and it's heartbreaking what she's doing to you. There are no easy answers, really.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Can you afford a one-way plane ticket back to the states? I wouldn't rule out just walking away... get on the plane and never look back. No kids involved.. RUN. I'm not kidding.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As a non keyboard psychologist I would ask a few questions from OP:

what is the rate of rage incidents vs normal behavior?

Does she exhibit ability to regulate and act normally if some of the usual techniques for BPD's are used? (Validation, avoiding of conflict, boundaries)

Was this behavior apparent while dating?

What is OP's experience with the local culture before he met her?

Can he expect any support or info from her family? Ie details of previous incidents, etc


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> Can you afford a one-way plane ticket back to the states? I wouldn't rule out just walking away... get on the plane and never look back. No kids involved.. RUN. I'm not kidding.


Seconded. I'd collect my stuff, at least the stuff I wouldn't want to see destroyed, and leave while she was out of the house.

If you'll pardon the crudity, f*ck THIS sh*t.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

GTdad said:


> Seconded. I'd collect my stuff, at least the stuff I wouldn't want to see destroyed, and leave while she was out of the house.
> 
> If you'll pardon the crudity, f*ck THIS sh*t.


Hell, I'd clean the place out, pawn what I could if that's what it took to get that plane ticket outta hell. This woman sounds like a nightmare.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...if you're still unreasonably optimistic.

...at some points, with some behaviors, rational people impose a limit. Like, I won't stay if this continues. How will we change this? And then, when people fail to act on it, they leave.

...I will also be a bit fair. If she is like my wife (also Korean), from her perspective, there is something you did wrong. You didn't scream, fight back, hold her down, and beat her into submission. Instead, you retreated.

...I'd dismiss my wife's opinions as pure crazy, except that every member of her family gave 'help' along the lines of:
...one brother demonstrating the proper holds to slam a woman's face into the ground and hold her there until she submits...
...another brother describing how his female friend was almost charged by the police for 'being obnoxious' after he'd beaten her unconscious...(or, at least, unable to stand)
...and her father convincing her that home wasn't an option...using his fists.

...and I'd dismiss her family as just f*d up, except that the Korean scientists I and other people remembered were mostly remembered for, eg, slugging their wives to the floor over fairly trivial insults.

...and I'd dismiss this as just happenstance, except that I've read a thesis on DV in Korea which describes region-specific mental illnesses related to having to pretend everything's ok while being repeatedly hospitalized... And watched fairly popular shows that start with a parent whipping a child black and blue over fairly small offenses.

...I'd even dismiss this as some isolated cultural artifact, except that her relatives are unusually Westernized and well-connected.

...so...whatever. I wouldn't argue this should change your behavior. I believe that not hitting women is, overall, a good thing. And, absent willingness to stop your wife from using scissors, she appears likely to escalate - probably hoping for a reaction.

However, my experience is that an American woman behaving in that fashion is probably batsh*t insane - it is just so far outside the norms. A Korean woman behaving in that fashion might just be crazy.

Running for the hills is probably the smart option - people simply can't change quickly. But, if you are foolish enough to stay, she may be slightly more receptive than most people on this forum would guess.

--Argyle


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She is abusive, both emotionally and physically. You don't have to stay with her and be abused.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You need to take your own suggestion and not put up with this behavior. You are an abused husband that needs to take appropriate action to end the cycle of violence againt you. I'm sorry you find yourself with this issue, but it's not yours to deal with, it is hers.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

BiginJapan- I am very sorry for what you are going through. I do agree with what everyone has said and this is obviously is an abusive situation and getting out would likely be the easiest path especially as you don't have children. 

BUT....

I also noticed that you admitted to still loving your wife and taking your vows seriosusly, so I would just like to point out something that you could consider doing if you'd like to work on your part. I am NOT excusing her from her behavior or blaming any of her behavior on you, but simply sharing my opinion as to how this POSSIBLY could have been avoided.

I will insert a few comments in your original quote.


BigInJapan said:


> This is Tuesday.
> 
> I told her I wouldn't be anywhere near her while she raged, went to bed in a separate room and counted down the hours till I could flee our hell of an apartment for the relative peace and comfort of work. This is a good example of how you enforced your boundaries when she raged.
> 
> ...



Like I said, this is MY opinion. If you would like to see if the dynamic will change, try this.....do not make any unnecessary comments about anything she does. 

Good luck, I wish you the best.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

With BPD or any number of disorders she'll jump in the crazy train regardless...


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Or (and I've not done this too many times myself.)...just exit when you see the crazy train pulling up to the station. If you're like me, you can probably see it 30 min off, most of the time.

...as your wife wanders towards the fridge.

You stand up and walk out of the apartment. (And consistently store your valuables somewhere else.) I'm not a fan, in general, of avoiding conflict, but people who routinely engage in abuse aren't entitled to be treated like normal people.

Whistle a happy tune once you're a block away.  Give her a call every few days and chat. Explain that you'll move back in once she convinces you that she's taken convincing steps to curtail the crazy.

There's no shame in leaving before the crazy.

If you are staying, I'd suggest arranging for another place to sleep - spending nights in a living h*ll is quite wearing.

But, really, leaving the country would be smarter. Or, if not the country, perhaps just moving out.

--Argyle


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Seconded. I'd collect my stuff, at least the stuff I wouldn't want to see destroyed, and leave while she was out of the house.
> 
> If you'll pardon the crudity, f*ck THIS sh*t.


EXACTLY THIS. Get the fvck out of there. Like yesterday. I am so sorry this is how things have ended up for you, but its not too late to get yourself away from it.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

john117 said:


> With BPD or any number of disorders she'll jump in the crazy train regardless...


Agree but adding to it by responding makes it worse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It will escalate regardless of whether you play along or not.

The only way I got the feisty Dr. Mrs. BPD to act her age (and species) was to behave in the same exact way, except longer and more intensely. After this went on for a year or so visits to crazy town (Illogicon) became less frequent tho the basic BPD thought processes stayed on.


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

At least separate so that she knows you mean business. Sometimes the abuser thinks about what they did wrong and changes for the better (more than just talk.) But she will only do that if she really wants you back. After that, if she still hasn't changed, time for divorce.


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## BigInJapan (Dec 26, 2012)

To everyone who has replied with advice/encouragement/empathy ...Thank You.

It's been a roller coaster these last few days.

Logically, I feel that I should file for divorce and try to get this whole thing behind me. 

While we were dating I saw glimpses of this behavior and living together has only seemed to make things worse. My gut tells me this isn't going to go away -- maybe ever.

That said, after some pretty nasty fallout she has decided to go into therapy.

This is a pretty big deal because 1) Korean culture is generally averse to therapy and/or communicating your emotions (might help to explain why they have the world's highest suicide rate), and 2) she's terrified of seeing herself as having a problem.

Due to a childhood of horrendous abuse she has a VERY difficult time distinguishing between having a problem and being a problem. With my W, any admission of error is tantamount to saying "I have no value as a human being".

So we'll see if therapy helps.

Thing is, when she's not acting like a complete psycho she's a really lovely person: smart, beautiful, funny -- all that good stuff.

Frankly, I'm heartbroken and resentful that this monster (for lack of a less colorful term) storms and rampages onto the scene and steals my wife away.

As for my current situation:

1) I've discussed with my employer about arranging a small apartment. (Housing in Seoul is a byzantine mess of rules, regulations and hoops to jump through ... BIG hassle.)

2) We've both agreed that if the raging starts back up again -- if I'm cursed at, spit on, hit, etc -- it's grounds for automatic separation. Sadly, divorce would be the next step.

And that's where we're at.

Honestly, I feel well within my rights to leave. Just to pack up, wish her good luck, and get the heck outta Dodge.

On some level, I loathe myself for not doing just that. 

We'll see if therapy helps.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...one tiny bit of advice...if you can...research and screen therapists before she contacts them. In the USA, for most cases like your wife, most therapists will refuse to treat them. YMMV, but my wife found being refused treatment because therapists didn't want to deal with her as a person enormously invalidating. Which led to breakdowns...

Best wishes. I can appreciate how absolutely awful and frustrated you must be feeling right now. And divorce is probably, overall, the right choice. But, it is also true that this sort of issue is often fairly treatable and that many patients improve significantly.

--Argyle


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Seconded. I'd collect my stuff, at least the stuff I wouldn't want to see destroyed, and leave while she was out of the house.
> 
> If you'll pardon the crudity, f*ck THIS sh*t.


Agreed....if she won't go to a mental health professional immediately, pack up and GET OUT. How do you sleep at night? I'd honestly be afraid. You don't deserve this, and it's going to end badly unless she gets HELP.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

BiJ, so glad to hear that your wife is seeking therapy. I hope it goes well.


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## LifeIsBeautiful42 (Sep 19, 2013)

Hi BIJ,
I empathize with you. Those events you mentioned happened,almost exactly,to me as well. She also burnt a jacket she bought for me, damaged my car, smashed my computer. We are still together, it's a constant struggle and I still have not found a way for her to get professional help.The most disturbing thing is that I feel she does it, so that I will leave her so that she does not have to feel so terrible about herself (low self-esteem), but the moment I step out the fear of abandonment jumps in and it's even worse for her and me. How did the therapy go and how are things now? All the best.


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## BigInJapan (Dec 26, 2012)

An update for those of you who have commented:

Sadly, my wife has not pursued any kind of therapy. After the nuclear meltdown in August there was (I thought) buy-in about the idea, but it hasn't happened.

Unsurprisingly, we stumble from one "crisis" to the next.

Nothing to quite rival the August fiasco, but that isn't saying much.

Last night was a prime example. Up until 4:30 AM "arguing". The evening culminated in my wife proclaiming that she knew I wanted to "murder" her. Yep. My wife -- of whom I've never so much as raised my hand -- told me I wanted to kill her ... and how I'd go about doing it.

Frankly, I'm sick at myself for continually making excuses to stick around. I've been hit, scratched, punched, spit on, verbally abused, and worse. Maybe it's time to switch from optimism to honesty.

Our living conditions (we're in Korea) make separation somewhat difficult. I can't just go rent another apartment. When I have observed boundaries and spent the night at a hotel (in response to being punched in the face) she threatened the pets and her own life. Like I said. Somewhat difficult.

Feeling very discouraged, frustrated and angry right now. (Operating on two hours of sleep probably doesn't help.) I've done my best, but this is not what I signed up for.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sweetie...you cant keep doing this. Fly home to your family, forget separation. You have to escape, and plan it secretly. No one deserves to live like this.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You need to leave.

Physical abuse is the same whether the abuser is a man or a woman.
You are being physically and mentally abused. Pack your **** and leave!!!!!


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

BIJ, I'm so sorry to hear that therapy did not happen and that things are no better.  Sounds like she has a lot of things going on in her head, to say the least. (I can't even imagine threatening to hurt animals - that's something that would send me packing for sure.) I agree with 3x - sounds like you have to bail.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...my wife's Korean, BPD, and possibly mildly autistic and also has a tendency towards animal abuse, physical violence, and transient paranoia under stress. Those behaviors seem less taboo than in the US. ...dunno what it indicates...but one of the first movies my wife showed me involved a wife serving her husband his pet and later eating her next door neighbor as a weight loss program. She has improved following therapy.

...at the moment...your wife's perspective is probably that you're not dealing with her properly and that she's behaving within the far edges of normal or mildly psycho. She isn't exactly wrong. My wife would have been a lot more comfortable if I'd been willing to beat her unconscious occasionally. Never expected to have my in-laws giving lessons on the proper ways to hit a woman. That said, I prefer hurting her with abandonment instead of fists. 

Her family has two methods of dealing with her. One involves screaming fits and beatings. I'd feel worse - but she really does earn them. The other involves explaining that she's acting psychotic and then walking out on her.

That said, no kids, why stay??? You'll almost certainly be better off alone or with someone else. I'd incline towards:
'Sorry that's just psycho.'
'Out of here - reclaiming the deposit on the apartment. Have fun living with your parents.' [And make sure you do contact her relatives - there will still be an expectation that you will look out for her at least that much.]
'I did find you a therapist and a DBT group. Call me if you stay enrolled for a few months.'

--Argyle


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

argyle said:


> ...my wife's Korean, BPD, and possibly mildly autistic and also has a tendency towards animal abuse, physical violence, and transient paranoia under stress. Those behaviors seem less taboo than in the US. ...dunno what it indicates...but one of the first movies my wife showed me involved a wife serving her husband his pet and later eating her next door neighbor as a weight loss program. She has improved following therapy.


I've seen this come up before on TAM (about animal abuse or not caring about animals). BPD and animal abuse don't go hand-in-hand, just so you know. I love animals and would never hurt them, and any BPDer I've ever talked to about animals felt the same way. Animals seem more trustworthy than people, to say the least.



argyle said:


> My wife would have been a lot more comfortable if I'd been willing to beat her unconscious occasionally. Never expected to have my in-laws giving lessons on the proper ways to hit a woman. That said, I prefer hurting her with abandonment instead of fists.


I seriously doubt your wife would have been happy to be hit, or enjoyed that kind of treatment previously. Not good to prefer to hurt your wife at all... 



argyle said:


> Her family has two methods of dealing with her. One involves screaming fits and beatings. I'd feel worse - but she really does earn them. The other involves explaining that she's acting psychotic and then walking out on her.


No one earns abuse. If you don't feel bad about it and really think she can earn that kind of treatment, that's at the very least a definite lack of empathy.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...yah...she'd quote me Korean sayings about how boss hits the husband, the husband beats the wife...and the wife kicks the dog. I think animal abuse is not necessarily strongly associated with BPD, although, I will say that, based on a survey of BPDFamily and the children of BPDs, child abuse probably is. If it is any consolation, those BPDs are most likely those who never sought treatment of any sort.

...y'know...there's a difference between what people believe they want and what they actually want. I strongly suspect that the long term effects of physical violence in a R/S would not be something my wife liked. OTOH, she was crystal clear on feeling that any guy who failed to threaten, restrain, and beat into submission a disobedient wife was a wimp. Her main limit was that broken bones were too much. Glah.* From some reading on marriage counseling in LA, I suspect that some of her expectations are somewhat reasonable in terms of Korean culture (a lot of older men apparently get into trouble in the US). I could easily be wrong. My choice didn't involve kindness to her - as having me walk out quite clearly hurt a lot more - it was more about setting a reasonable example for the children.

...um...let us assume that you begin by screaming abuse at an older relative and then proceed to direct physical assault. It'd be better if he removed himself or had you arrested. I'm not exactly fine with solutions that involve him beating you until you can't stand (which, I'm pretty sure, is the minimum force to convince my wife to stop**), but I'll still think that you earned it. That might be low empathy on my part, not really sure. But, heck, at that point, the police are fine with killing you. I guess I see it as similar to me throwing a tantrum in a bar and then punching someone bigger than me. I'd earn that beating. Honestly though, my main problem with his solution is that it was too mild. Assault usually earns somewhere between a few months or years in jail and a criminal record.

...from her perspective, in a Confuscian society, her behavior was seriously out of line and merited a beating. From mine, the fact that both of them got that out of control was problematic and, yes, her behavior was way out of line. I'm pretty much fine with people who engage in unprovoked assaults getting bruised. My impression is that he did stop once she stopped attacking. When she tried something similar with me, I had the police take her away.

At some point, I just decided that her perspective and expectations weren't something I was willing to bend to. I can't say that her expectations were totally unreasonable or unworkable, although I do think they fell well into the 'bad idea' category. OTOH, they also weren't simple mental illness either - they definitely came from growing up in a moderately messed up Korean family.

--Argyle
*Domestic violence in Korea is fairly scary. I read a thesis once. Glah. Think of DV being defined as something that sends you to a hospital.
**Triggered, she will go through glass windows with extreme alacrity to get to you. (...and never gets cut...the police checked her hands???) She will also beat her own hands and feet black and blue on you well before tiring.


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## LifeIsBeautiful42 (Sep 19, 2013)

Hi BIJ, know that you are not alone in what you have have gone through,if you read other threads, but of course this does not make it easier for you or acceptable. Personally for me past 2 years was one crisis after another, at times without break for weeks. For me I don't regret not leaving, but what I wished I had done better was take care of myself, because nobody was doing that while I was "caught in the storms". In fact I am still learning how to, and it's easier said for sure. Keep your head set and feet on the ground. Some of the resources are helpful. Be objective in what you want, whether it's to get out or stay in. Priority is not to lose your mind and soul, because things won't get better if both persons in a r/s are not doing ok. Very tough indeed to still be strong, not just for the other person, but also yourself, when you are feeling like there is no hope. But I'm giving up, yet, because that's what I want...



BigInJapan said:


> Unsurprisingly, we stumble from one "crisis" to the next.
> 
> Last night was a prime example. Up until 4:30 AM "arguing". The evening culminated in my wife proclaiming that she knew I wanted to "murder" her. Yep. My wife -- of whom I've never so much as raised my hand -- told me I wanted to kill her ... and how I'd go about doing it.
> 
> ...


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## beatup (Apr 6, 2013)

@bailingout: Good train analogy. It will help the next time my wife trys baiting me.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Why can't you just go rent another apartment? I lived in Japan for a long time and expect Korea is like Japan in that it can be hard to find somewhere to rent as a single white guy, but I bet there will be places if you look hard enough. There might also be house shares available in the Western community - in a place like Seoul there ought to be. Stop me if that sounds patronising but I'm curious why it's so difficult.


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