# Pursuing divorce but I'm majorly conflicted.



## Lostforbadwords (Dec 8, 2015)

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my husband and his abusive behavior and me thinking about leaving him.

Since then, it has been a roller coaster and I'm reeling from all the dramatics and emotions. For the first couple of weeks every day was tearful phone calls and hundreds of texts about how sorry he is and what he loves and misses about me and how he will do anything if I just give him another chance...

Once he found out about me sleeping with someone else, we had a rough few days. Lots of name calling, threats to take me to court to win custody of our kid blah blah but then we were back to him being sorry and saying he can forgive me if we can move on and I let him come home so we can be a family.

I dealt with a lot of the logistical aspects of us separating last week like getting my own bank account, splitting our bills and talked to a lawyer but I still feel like I'm not making the right decision.

I look at pictures of us and think about all the fantastic times we had together, raising our son as a family and I start to lose my nerve even though I know our problems outweigh these things...am I totally nuts?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He may be sorry etc but what actual steps has he taken to rectify his abusive behaviour such as counselling, anger management etc. Words mean nothing, only action.

As or you, why on earth are you adding fuel to the fire by committing adultery, that is only creating more problems. you may feel justified because of his bad treatment of you but you are only giving him more ammunition and complicating matters.

Have you followed any of the advice TAM members gave your previously? You cannot change your circumstances unless you take action, talking about it will not help. He also has to take action to make himself a better person.


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## Lostforbadwords (Dec 8, 2015)

No, he has not taken any action but he says he is willing to. Which I know rationally is probably bull****.

Yes, I have followed some of the advice given to me here like I'm currently reading the book "Why does he do that" and I have taken steps to protect myself and my son as we move through the divorce process. 

I came back here because it was helpful to talk with women who had been in similar situations and I just want to know if it's normal to feel so conflicted?


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## Lostforbadwords (Dec 8, 2015)

I also started seeing a counselor, which was something else that was suggested here that is helping me work through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lostforbadwords said:


> No, he has not taken any action but he says he is willing to.


Your response: "Great! Call me up in 3 months and let me know all about your therapy. We'll talk."

And yes, it's EXPECTED to feel conflicted because part of the abuse is him making you feel stupid, wrong, a failure, incompetent. Ignore it; it's brainwashing to convince you that you have to stay with him, that you can't get better (you can).

Just write out all your feelings in a journal, one entry each day, and come here if you're feeling weak. You'll know from the Why book that even if he WANTED to change, it would take him at least months of heavy duty therapy, if not YEARS. Before then? He's not safe to be around. Mentally or physically. And if you WERE to go back to him, you would be harming HIM because you'd remove his reason for getting help.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I haven't read your previous posts so I don't know your story but having sex with someone else while you're separated and conflicted is definitely not a good idea. That's why I'm not a fan of separation. But what's done is done. If you do R, your husband could spend years holding that over your head. Over and over and over. Every single argument. Never trusting you again. The only easy decision is deciding to R. The rest is very hard work and very often fails (although some do succeed). So it's a lot more complicated than it was before you separated. You both have a lot of work to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you were gone when you separated. I'd stay that way.

Talk is cheap.


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