# SS creating drama wife doesnt want to address.



## Biscuits

Long story short.
Stepson told school I beat him with a studded belt, choked him, tried to break his arm. School reported me, cops and family services paid me a visit. Investigated and concluded stepson was lying.
Stepson ran away from school, said a man (fitting my description), sneaks into his room with a knife and tries to kill him.
Stepson gives me dirty looks, snide comments, sarcastic remarks, refuses do complete chores, ONLY WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS IN ROOM.
When other people are present he is just the sweetest kid ever.
Stepson got sent to his room by his mom, she sees him not in his room, asks me to go tell him to get in his room. I go tell him, he balls his fists and gets in my face telling me he WILL punch me...I told him to do it. He went and told my wife I called him names and threatened him, she didn't believe he could threaten to punch me, so she is chewing my ass, in front of him, as he is giving me this "eat ****" look.
Stepson plays my wife against me regularly.
Stepson plays his dad against me, saying I routinely yell, curse, hit, don't feed him, refuse to let him bathe and use the restroom. 

Ok, so on each occasion I bring it to my wife, who says...."you're the adult, you need to be nicer to him and be more positive". He's failing school, I'm an engineer major. I help him with his math and he will just throw a fit whenever I help, for the simplest stuff....multiplication, division , etc...she comes to the rescue and tells me to stop badgering him.

His father doesn't pay child support and wife doesn't work, I'm expected to pay for everything. What can I do, I'm on verge of seperation due to constant abuse from both of them...advice.

Oh, I don't talk to my stepson unless someone else is in the room, I have recordings of his outbursts, I don't tell him what to do anymore, for about 4 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden

Considering your history with this woman (and her spawn) don't you think it's about time to cut her loose?


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## papa5280

First, a question. Since I don't want to have to go wander through every post you've made, how old is the SS?

Second, are you in a state that allows one party consent for a voice recording? This link can help. State by State Compliance

If you are, IMO, you should secretly set your phone to record in situations where you think SS is going to be belligerent, and that others won't believe you. But, if you do this, don't make that known until you have enough that even his dear mother would need to acknowledge that the boy started it and is lying about it.


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## turnera

Biscuits said:


> His father doesn't pay child support and wife doesn't work, I'm expected to pay for everything. What can I do, I'm on verge of seperation due to constant abuse from both of them...advice.
> 
> Oh, I don't talk to my stepson unless someone else is in the room, I have recordings of his outbursts, I don't tell him what to do anymore, for about 4 months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Set up cameras in the house that only YOU control.
Record everything.
Play it back on the tv screen when he threatens you for all to see.
Stop giving your wife money until she gets a job.

If they then want to move out, let them.


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## EleGirl

Have a VAR on your. Do not let the SS or wife know that you have it.

You need to protect yourself.

To be honest, I think you need to leave your wife. Stop supporting her and her evil son.


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## papa5280

Just to reiterate...make sure that one person consent is all that is needed in your state, to record a conversation. Otherwise, even if SS threatens to kill you, you'll be the one in trouble, not him.


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## Biscuits

SS just turned 10, I record everything between him and I. I even recorded him threatening to punch me, played for wife and she got mad I recorded instead of him threatening me. Its to the point where he will be belligerent EVERY TIME he thinks we are alone. Wife caught him giving me dirty looks from the patio and confronted him. She saw him and I didn't, he said I was making faces at him, wife got mad at me and I was just amazed because I told her I didn't even know he was looking at me.

So to get more in detail, besides recording, should I approach counseling, seperation? I already detatch, but I can't keep wife from giving him money, toys on demand from him. I can't punish because he throws a fit and I'm the bad guy because he gets "stressed". 

I'm affraid he'll continue to lie to people about the abuse until he has to tell more and more violent stories in order for his goal of removing me from the family environment, or worse accuse me of something sexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Why are you still married?


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## Biscuits

turnera said:


> Why are you still married?


I'm still married because I got married. I'm looking for advice in how to deal with this situation, if I wanted to divorce then I would have just did that. I'm trying to find a way to make peace with my stepson, if that's not possible then I'll consider leaving, but I need to make an attempt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TikiKeen

The only way peace will happen is if SS's obvious mental health issues are treated. If your W isn't on board with that, this situation likely won't change.

You've described a kid who is manipulative, lying, and has little to no remorse. He needs an evaluation, not enabling.

Is your W amenable to family counseling, and IC for her son? It's okay to have that as your own personal boundary for emotional safety.


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## Omego

The child sound like he is not only mentally ill but also mean spirited and vicious. I fear what he'll be like as an adult. The mother has her head in the sand.

I agree with the poster who said to record everything. Then give an ultimatum to your wife about psychiatric treatment. 

If she refuses, you will most likely end up in danger as he gets older. Also, why are you the only person bringing in income?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Biscuits said:


> I'm still married because I got married. I'm looking for advice in how to deal with this situation, if I wanted to divorce then I would have just did that. I'm trying to find a way to make peace with my stepson, if that's not possible then I'll consider leaving, but I need to make an attempt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only way you can have peace is if your wife is on the same page as you. She obviously ISN'T. Yet she's perfectly happy not having to work.

What does she say when you explain this to her?

What this tells me is that you are a doormat and she found a good one. 

As long as you're willing to BE that doormat for the two of them, you will be miserable. Are you ready to change? Or are you going to continue moaning about how mean the two of them are to you?


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## EleGirl

papa5280 said:


> Just to reiterate...make sure that one person consent is all that is needed in your state, to record a conversation. Otherwise, even if SS threatens to kill you, you'll be the one in trouble, not him.


This is a good point.

Another thing to look into is that in some states that require two party consent, it's still ok to record in your own home when the issue is domestic abuse and violence.


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## EleGirl

Biscuits,

I remember your previous posts about your SS and wife. This is an on going situation that is escalating. You wife not back you up is one of the main reasons it's escalating.

If you would like some help in finding out the laws in your state about recording (voice and/or video) if you will let us know what state you are in we can help you research this.


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## Deejo

Biscuits said:


> I'm still married because I got married. I'm looking for advice in how to deal with this situation, if I wanted to divorce then I would have just did that. I'm trying to find a way to make peace with my stepson, if that's not possible then I'll consider leaving, but I need to make an attempt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have absolute zero control over how your stepson feels about you, or the divorce between his parents. None. We can obviously and easily surmise how he feels. Feelings for which you are the lucky recipient. Kids angry, and/or extraordinarily damaged.

So?

Stop parenting him. At the end of the day, it really and truly isn't your job.

Step away. Let her parent her child. Be positive and and consistent with the child.

Think about it, your stepson is determined to make you look bad (going to extraordinarily devious lengths I might add) So, take that option away.

I looked for a thread I remember written by a woman here. She did this. She had 3 step children, and her spouse simply assumed, and presumed that she would perform her role as surrogate parent, no matter what.

She made it clear that if HE (her husband) wanted to preserve the marriage, then the children were 100% his responsibility from a parenting perspective. She made ZERO decisions about how they behaved or what they did. He had to deal with all of it ... which is exactly what he would have to do anyway if his new wife (the stepmom) wasn't present.

Suggest you consider something like this. Take away the fuel and you can't start a fire.

And if it alienates your wife ... well then, I suppose I would wonder why my spouse truly wanted me around at all in the first place.

Remember that old chestnut, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."


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## turnera

Deejo said:


> And if it alienates your wife ... well then, I suppose I would wonder why my spouse truly wanted me around at all in the first place.


That's easy. So she doesn't have to work.


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## Theseus

Biscuits said:


> I'm affraid he'll continue to lie to people about the abuse until he has to tell more and more violent stories in order for his goal of removing me from the family environment, or worse accuse me of something sexual.


I would be concerned about that too. At this point, you should be a bit more focused on self-defense and a little less focused on your relationship. 



Biscuits said:


> I'm still married because I got married. I'm looking for advice in how to deal with this situation, if I wanted to divorce then I would have just did that. I'm trying to find a way to make peace with my stepson, if that's not possible then I'll consider leaving, but I need to make an attempt.


I recommend the following:

1. Family counseling. One problem is that your wife simply isn't listening to you, so you could really use a neutral third party to help you out. You and your wife need counseling together, and your stepson should see a therapist separately to find out what the source of his hostility is. You might not like the expense, but I guarantee it will cost less than separation or divorce. If your wife refuses this, or there is no progress over time, then go to #2. 

2. Move out. You don't have to divorce, but a separation might be the only way your wife will realize the seriousness of this problem and decide to do something about it. If that doesn't produce any results, to go #3.

3. Divorce. Enough said.

P.S.
Biscuits, I looked at your other threads for your backstory. Apparently you asked these same questions a year ago, and got the same advice back then. Yet you didn't do anything. On top of that, this wife also cheated on you as well? I can't tell you how fast I would be out of there. Like yesterday.


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## Malpheous

From what you're describing, this is a scenario where I wouldn't care about 1-party vs 2-party. Record. Always. Safeguard it. If there's a legal dilemma about recording, the benefit in this case will likely far outweigh any fallout. So, record, record, record. Don't let it out of your sight either. 

Counseling. Confront your wife at counseling about the situation. 

Leave if she isn't going to work towards a resolution.


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## turnera

Have you tried talking to the kid's father about this?


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## Theseus

turnera said:


> Have you tried talking to the kid's father about this?


According to the OP's other threads, the boy's biological father is the one who's been encouraging the kid to act like this.


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## turnera

Yeah, but you never know what would happen if he actually sat down with the guy.


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## Biscuits

My most recent interaction with ss father has included...

He (ss father) took my ss to the hospital for something, I didn't know he went, he is supposed to carry insurance on my ss (which he doesn't, but I do). I found out he took ss to the hospital because I received a bill, in my wifes name, sent to my address, for his prescription medication. Later received the bill, for sinus and ear infection. When I asked my wife when she took ss, she said it was his father. SS father called my house asking if they had sent my ss prescription to our address, and he needed them to give to his ss. The only problem was, ss was with us. So, he took my SS to hospital, had bill sent here, but prescription sent to his house, when they didn't arrive he called here to see where they were. I tried to get him to take care of the bill and he said it was my responsibility since the bill came to my address....

This last weekend he dropped my ss off at our house and I took the bill to him to ask him for the money, since it is in my wifes name, I didn't want her credit to be effected. His (ss fathers) mother got out of the car and went off on me and how I bad mouth my ss father in front of ss and told me to stop abusing ss. Refusing to feed him, bathe him, clothe him, punishing him for no reason, talking down on him...etc. I told them that my ss was lying and just wanted to take care of bill...my ss father mother told me ss father could not have insurance on ss because someone falsified their taxes by claiming ss, then they blamed me. So, they cant pay the bill, because they don't have insurance, because I claimed my ss on my taxes....which is false. 

So, my ss father does not and has not EVER paid child support, (I pay for everything) does not carry insurance on ss, (but I do), tells ss to lie about me to get me arrested, encourages ss to act out toward me, and falsifies reports to police to get me arrested. He is a known drug dealer and is on disability, welfare and any other government assisted program you could imagine. He promises my ss all kinds of things to get him to go to his house, but its all lies. My ss is crushed when these things don't happen and he comes home mad at his dad, and takes it out on me (I can only assume ss father is blaming me for the reasons ss doesn't get what he is promised). 

My interaction now with my ss is;
I don't stay in the same room with him by myself, if he comes into a room I am in by myself I will leave. I record EVERY conversation we have. I'm detached (if he asks for something I tell him go ask his mom). 

So, with all of this said. IS there any hope in making this situation better or should I just leave to avoid more constant and severe lies, which I assume they will get worse, unitl he gets what he wants.


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## turnera

I don't understand why you aren't addressing the REAL problem - your wife. Why aren't you dragging HER into MC with you to work this out? Why aren't you insisting she go to MC or else you're moving out and she can get a job and support her own son?

Are you just a martyr? Does she give amazing sex? I don't get it.


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## tom67

OP your situation is not going to get any better and I think you know this.
Before you get arrested or killed and I am serious, please plan an exit from this toxic situation.
Nothing more I can really say.


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## aug

Stepson is only 10 y.o.? And pulling **** like this? Wow!


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## Theseus

Biscuits said:


> My interaction now with my ss is;
> I don't stay in the same room with him by myself, if he comes into a room I am in by myself I will leave. I record EVERY conversation we have. I'm detached (if he asks for something I tell him go ask his mom).


While I'm glad you are protecting yourself, you can't live like that forever. 



> _So, with all of this said. IS there any hope in making this situation better or should I just leave to avoid more constant and severe lies, which I assume they will get worse, unitl he gets what he wants._


As Turnera and I both said, you desperately need marriage counseling and family counseling. Everyone is too emotional here, and you absolutely need a neutral third party to help you both sort this out.


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## Emerald

So you are allowing this 10 yr. old child to terrorize you in your own home?

Seriously?

If the Mother refuses to get help for this emotionally disturbed child, then your only options are a) live in fear that you will get sent to prison on false abuse charges or b) move out immediately.


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## Blondilocks

All I can see is that you enjoy the drama. The only way you will ever get along with this kid is if you're more than 3000 miles away.

Your wife can't be all that if this is the baggage she brings with her. You need to decide if you want to keep this dynamic duo.


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## borninapril

OP, your story sound so similar to mine that it's frightening. With my SS (who was three when his mother and I got together) it started his Father reminding his son that I wasn't his Father. So he wouldn't listen to me, which lead to him being punished (usually by being made to sit at our dinner table). As he got older the accusations of me hitting him and abuse started. I had CPS investigate me (really more like, us since they look at my wife and myself) 3 times with them finding no evidence of abuse. Then started the violence against other children (mostly younger, smaller girls) and then him deciding to tell several members of our family at my wife graduation (when he was around 9) that he wanted to kill himself. Then denying he said it and finally him going to therapy.

The therapy helped a lot and since his Dad was the one who paid for it (because he finally thought something wasn't right, after my MIL his ex MIL contacted him because of his supposed suicide threat) I wasn't told exactly what my SS and the DR talked about.

At about the same time as the therapy started I finally had it and decided I was going to have as little contact with him as possible. I was never alone with him and even if my wife was just running to the store quickly, I made her take him. 

Now he is almost 16 and I haven't had any major problems with him is several years. I do think if it gets to the point where you don't think it working out, that you can't be afraid to leave. This child will ALWAYS be a part of his Mothers life.


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## EleGirl

Since you support the SS and you are married to his mother, you should be listing him as your dependent on your taxes. Why aren't you claiming him?

Write letters to health care providers telling them that you are not responsible for your step son's medical bills unless you are consulted first.

I did this with my step children as I carried insurance them and I was the one supporting them. 

I got a $4,000 bill for something that their mother did with them. I wrote the hospital and explained that while I carry insurance on them I am not legally responsible to pay their medical bills. They were free to bill the medical insurance and get whatever the insurance company would pay them. But don't ask me for any $$ unless they had my signature agreeing to pay for that particular service.

I got an response from the hospital verifying that I owed them nothing.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'd say it's time to set the wife down and the boy down - seperately (and record - I don't care what the laws are I'd rather be charged with a misdemeanor for recording vs. have the boy ruin my reputation and have me arrested for child abuse).

Wife has to know that she HAS to back you up - tell her she knows are you aren't like that or she wouldn't have married you and you need her support and you have the boy's best interest at heart. Also she has to attend family counseling. If she doeson't do those two things, you are GONE.

Then sit the boy down and tell him you have talked to Mom, you are an adult and expect to be respected as an adult. You aren't trying to be his father but you won't tolerate lying, manipulation, disrespect or verbal abuse and that you are all going to attend counseling together.

Then do it. If the boy behaves badly, pull wife aside, remind her she agreed to back you up and together you tell the boy he is grounded/sent to room/etc. 

You may want to put a camera hidden in the hallway to prove you do NOT visit his room at any time. 

I didn't read the history like others but this boy needs serious help before you wake up with a knife plunged into your chest. I'd lock my bedroom door always.

And a wife who mooches off you but disrespects you shouldn't be acceptable to you. Time to go find your balls. Do not let these two dictate a miserable day to day existence. 

But if you won't do the above and enforce your rules/your house, leave.

The last option is tell the birth father to take him if you're so abusive and awful.


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## Malpheous

Unless the divorce, or other, court orders say different then your wife and you should be claiming the child as a dependent at the end of the year.

That said... 

Your wife should be taking the father to court for back CS, PAS and enforcement of orders regarding the health insurance.

Seek restitution and resolution to the point of sole legal and primary residential custody with a cut to very other weekend if you don't already have that.

You need to get your wife engaged in sorting out HER mess. You can love the child as your own. But when it comes right down to it, unless you have adopted this child, you are a legal stranger to him. Your wife is the only person who can and is responsible to sort this all out. If she makes an earnest attempt then certainly you could help her out when and where she asks. But if it were me, I'd actually tell my wife at this pint that the child is coming off MY health insurance until the situation is resolved to remove the financial risks associated. That way if dear ole dad takes kiddo to the doctor for frivolous reason, he is the one getting the bill.

For now though, I'd contact the billing person where the care was given. Ask them to check the records as to who brought the child in. Then request they bill the appropriate person, being the one who actually incurred the bill/used the services.


Honestly though, I'd be single and looking by now though if I were you. And yes, I'm remarried with a mixed-family right now and have been in a few mixed-family relationships. The crap you're going through is why I was in a few mixed-family relationships and ran like hell.


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## Omego

I think this boy is really a wrong'un. It sounds like he will grow up to be dangerous. This is a very bad situation. If his parents are too weak and dysfunctional to deal with him, he'll grow up thinking he has all of the power and things will just get worse. He'll hopefully end up being locked up or committed before he gets out of hand.

Step back and look at the situation. A 10 year old is controlling the lives of three adults. Where do you draw the line? Who is really the victim, the adults or the child?


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## Omego

EnjoliWoman said:


> I didn't read the history like others but this boy needs serious help before you wake up with a knife plunged into your chest. I'd lock my bedroom door always.
> 
> .


^^^ This.


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