# Children don't want to go with him



## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

Hi. Need some advise on this please.
It's going on 7 months come next Sunday that I had to put out my cheating, abusive spouse.
He comes now and then (stays outside) and speaks to the children.
However, he wants to take the children aged 17 and 11 out but they don't want to go anywhere with him and he keeps saying that i am putting stuff in their heads.
I have not been telling them anything. The elder one saw the OW in the vehicle before we separated and he (my son) was angry.
My son said that he will never go anywhere with him again and now the younger one is supporting her brother's decision.
What is best to do?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

See a divorce attorney. Find out the rights of the children....as well as yours and your H's rights. 

Take the kids to family counseling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Legalaff said:


> Hi. Need some advise on this please.
> It's going on 7 months come next Sunday that I had to put out my cheating, abusive spouse.
> He comes now and then (stays outside) and speaks to the children.
> However, he wants to take the children aged 17 and 11 out but they don't want to go anywhere with him and he keeps saying that i am putting stuff in their heads.
> ...


I agree about consulting an attorney. In the meantime, I would not make them go with him if they dont want to. Given their ages, ESPECIALLY the 17 yr old, they deserve to have their feelings respected. They have found their voice in the matter, and to me, that means something. He has made his bed, let him lie in it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well this one is ambiguous. If it were a 17 year old then the ex is SOL because any judge would say he's old enough to make his own mind up. If it were the 11 year old then the ex would likely be able to force visitation.

Since it's an 11 and a 17 together though, I'm not sure. I agree with the advice given prior. You need to talk to someone with legal knowledge in your state.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree with not making the kids go with him. He can stand around and gripe all he wants.....you do not have to take it to heart. Who cares what a jerk says or thinks? IF he was really worried about it, he could have you served with some kind of child visitation papers at any time. 

One idea is to at least keep track (via calendar or notebook) of every time he stops by to visit with the kids. So you can show later (if you need to) that you did not prevent the children from going with him. 

Also, do not tell him any of this. This is HIS problem. 

Your problem is just to make sure the kids are ok.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why are the kids so angry with him?

Sure, he cheated on you, I get it.

But that's between you and him. For the kids to be so angry that they won't visit with their own dad?

I'm thinking that whether you realize it or not, there is some parental alienation going on and that's something you really need to address because it's going to affect the children deeply. I get that you're hurt, and angry, and you've been betrayed, but this is not something the children should have to deal with. 

They didn't ask for this.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Why are the kids so angry with him?
> 
> Sure, he cheated on you, I get it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
They need a hero. Someone to say, he's your dad.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Why are the kids so angry with him?
> 
> Sure, he cheated on you, I get it.
> 
> ...


They are pissed because he has betrayed the family, that is a perfectly normal reaction. The older kid SAW the OW with their dad, he isnt dumb. This is something that their dad will need to work out with them. The OP has already said that she isnt telling them anything, but maybe she said something that she didnt realize they heard...yes it would be wise to keep the PA thing in mind. Sounds to me like dad is alienating just fine on his own, though.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> They are pissed because he has betrayed the family, that is a perfectly normal reaction. The older kid SAW the OW with their dad, he isnt dumb. This is something that their dad will need to work out with them. The OP has already said that she isnt telling them anything, but maybe she said something that she didnt realize they heard...yes it would be wise to keep the PA thing in mind. Sounds to me like dad is alienating just fine on his own, though.


This is all true. It's just that kids have a way of internalizing parental problems unless someone says 'it's not your fault'. Logically it seems unneeded so it defies logic.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Although not actively initiating alienation, I agree that you should tell them (because they do know about the cheating) that even though their Dad hurt you, he still loves them and wants to see them and they should give him a chance. Maybe just encourage them to go to the park to toss a frisbee or some other daytime interaction. They don't have to go spend the night or approve of OW, but he is their father and they have a right to have some sort of relationship with him without feeling like they've betrayed you by still loving him.

His actions may have somewhat alienated the kids because he betrayed the family unit by cheating; but he has come by to see them often so he is trying.

One caveat - you say he was abusive. How so? Was he verbally abusive? Physically? Did he abuse the kids as well, or what that focused on you? 

I'd also notify the school counselors as to what has been going on and ask them to bring the kids to their offices just to check and see how things are, and if they need to talk or would like to talk to someone outside of school.


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Why are the kids so angry with him?
> 
> Sure, he cheated on you, I get it.
> 
> ...


I believe they are hurting because he was physically abusive to me in their presence. Also he introduce them to the OW who replied "hope to see you two in the future" and when confronted he said that they both lied.


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Although not actively initiating alienation, I agree that you should tell them (because they do know about the cheating) that even though their Dad hurt you, he still loves them and wants to see them and they should give him a chance. Maybe just encourage them to go to the park to toss a frisbee or some other daytime interaction. They don't have to go spend the night or approve of OW, but he is their father and they have a right to have some sort of relationship with him without feeling like they've betrayed you by still loving him.
> 
> His actions may have somewhat alienated the kids because he betrayed the family unit by cheating; but he has come by to see them often so he is trying.
> 
> ...


Yes both verbal and physical to me and verbally to both of them.
One day when I returned home from work while H was still here, my youngest said" I think daddy will be going somewhere later because he was on the phone and told the person that he will pick them up after 9.00 and that he will tell you that he has a project to complete" 
That was before the introduction to the OW. When I asked what the phone call was about that my daughter mentioned, he became verbally abusive to her, and told her that she was lying.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He sounds like a real winner.


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

lenzi said:


> He sounds like a real winner.


Meaning?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Meaning he's a loser.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

The kids don't want to visit because he is mean to them and they have no respect for him. The 17 year old can pretty much do what he wants but I am worried abou the 11 year old. You need to consult an attorney to see how to protect your kids from this guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Legalaff said:


> Yes both verbal and physical to me and verbally to both of them.
> One day when I returned home from work while H was still here, my youngest said" I think daddy will be going somewhere later because he was on the phone and told the person that he will pick them up after 9.00 and that he will tell you that he has a project to complete"
> That was before the introduction to the OW. When I asked what the phone call was about that my daughter mentioned, he became verbally abusive to her, and told her that she was lying.


You need a lawyer anyway to protect yourself in the divorce. Go ahead and get one retained and ask up front about the kids not wanting to go with him. See what s/he says about it in legal terms.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Your children at least the 17 yr olds and depending upon how mature the 11 yr old is there opinion would be listened to by the judge, with the verbal and mental abuse. FC is something else maybe you should look into and keeping a log of when you're X visits is also helpful.


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

Thank you all and I will seek legal advise ASAP


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you can't afford legal advice, then look up the visitation laws for your state. They are usually pretty clear.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Lots of courts will consider the child's wishes when it comes to visitation. Of course that doesn't mean the child gets what they want, only that the judge will hear them out. The more mature and articulate the child, the more likely the judge will consider the child's wishes in determining the best interest of the child when it comes to visitation. Most family law judges also hate to split siblings, even for visitation.


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