# What do you all think about this post?



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/

An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...

Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's not so much. You will get called a big baby here just for being male.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

For more of the story read: https://beyondaffairsnetwork.com/history-of-ban/

She runs B.A.N. and has written a book.

At first her husband chose the other woman. She was determined not to let that woman have her life.
She was planning to move with her children back to Europe where she was from.

"Two weeks later Brian came home and wanted to work on our marriage. No flowers, no getting on his knee’s begging my forgiveness, none of the things one would expect. “I guess I’m home,” he said sounding anything but enthusiastic.

Chaos ensued. Wrong reactions make a bad situation worse. While fighting to save my marriage, I was dealt other blows on the home front, a fire, drinking and driving, and what appeared to be suicide attempts.
......
snip
......
While I was surviving my own personal nightmare, I was sure that I was going through the worst thing a person possibly could, and I was sure that my story was the worst one. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.
It took us two and a half years to rebuild our marriage. "

So, as in anything, more knowledge may help one understand her POV.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

This quote: "The ability to forgive and reconcile comes from a place of maturity, wisdom, intelligence and strength – nothing less."

True to an extent, but there can be no forgiveness without genuine contrition.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spoons027 said:


> https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> 
> An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...
> 
> Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.


It seems that she is addressing an equally moronic comment that we often see......

_
"The issue that has concerned me currently is the constant political talk on the news of late, about spouses who decide to stay or reconcile a marriage after an affair has been discovered and *calling those spouses “stupid” for doing so*"_


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

"I wonder how can those who just throw in the towel like big babies, giving up what they really want in life because there is a major obstacle in the road, have any self-respect?"

What the hell is this utter nonsense? If what she really wants in life is a cheating husband that disrespects her, lies to her and exposes her to STDs unknowingly, then go for it. 

I dont understand how that relates to more self respect, not to mention the name calling of those who don't value those traits in a partner.

Self Delusion is strong with this one.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Spoons027 said:


> https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> 
> An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...
> 
> Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.


Too short an article. Don't think much of it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

red oak said:


> This quote: "The ability to forgive and reconcile comes from a place of maturity, wisdom, intelligence and strength – nothing less."
> 
> True to an extent, but there can be no forgiveness without genuine contrition.


Forgiveness doesn't mean spending your life and giving you love to someone however. 

For me I will be damned before I let someone abuse me and I continue to give my love to them. Frankly my love is predicated on how you treat me, treat me bad act like an ******* and it's a pretty good bet I will stop loving you. If I don't love you I have no desire to be with you as a mate. I think that is a healthy place to be in. Much healthier in my mind then staying with someone who discards you like garbage. 

I personally think there is something wrong with people who are desperate to save a marriage with someone who treats them like crap and they are really not in any place to give advice. I think their advice comes from their brokenness. I just don't believe them when they say how good their marriage is afterwards. I don't believe this women for instance. 

If what was written int he post about is true, this would be like taking advice from a someone whose spouse beat them into a coma an then a few years later they are back together and that spouse starts a self help blog. No one in there right mind would think that is a good thing. I don't see that as an uplifting story, like some do, more like something closer to Stockholm syndrome. What's uplifting and empowering from that story? Her husband **** all over her, I don't see how anyone in their right mind would want that even if he was the most contrite man in the world, which it doesn't sound like he was. 

Don't get me wrong I think there are some very rare exceptions where they can make it work. But those people are not online starting self help groups. Nah making your whole life about infidelity is the tell. I mean would you want to spend the rest of your life making the worst thing someone else did to you your whole life's work? Does that seem healthy to you? 

Nah, it stretches the limit of believably. Almost sounds like she playing off of peoples desperation and trying to convince herself at the same time. I get the sense that appearances are a very big part of this. 

Follow at your own risk.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Spoons027 said:
> 
> 
> > https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> ...


And I guess that’s where the conundrum lies.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> 
> An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...
> 
> Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.


The key is the WS did it ONCE and was remorseful and made up for it, yeah sure it could be worked on. I doubt he would get the chance a second time if he did it again, so yes, this woman clearly realises why should she suffer so some other woman could have the benefit of her input and then end up with a man who may not be faithful. I think it works both ways.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> What the hell is this utter nonsense? If what she really wants in life is a cheating husband that disrespects her, lies to her and exposes her to STDs unknowingly, then go for it.


Yeah..... some "prize", isn't it ?? I can see that if the cheater has a contrite heart, sees the error of his/her ways, and does not blame his/her offended spouse for his/her own behavior, then there is room to "reconcile". Forgiveness is always possible, but reconciliation has to be sensible.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Everyone has a different situation - kids, financial, closeness of a familial support group, true remorse and empathy from the adulterer. It all comes down to personal choice. Will they do it again? Is it worth it to try to reconcile?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I had to speculate, I would say her rude description of people who leave is borne of not being comfortable with her OWN decision to stay.

As far as forgiveness goes, you can forgive someone without sticking around.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> The key is the WS did it ONCE and was remorseful and made up for it, yeah sure it could be worked on. I doubt he would get the chance a second time if he did it again, so yes, this woman clearly realises why should she suffer so some other woman could have the benefit of her input and then end up with a man who may not be faithful. I think it works both ways.


If they are still together he is getting a chance for the second time, maybe not a third time?

I always am incredulous when I read BS supposed tough talk about "my spouse knows that if they ever do it again I am out of here!".

First that's kind of like getting punched in the face and saying, if you ever punch me in the face again I am done. Um getting punched in the face once is probably enough right? Besides that I don't believe it. The threads where it happens again lots of the BS are right back at it trying to convince themselves that this time will be the last. So many people stay out of fear, that fear doesn't go away the second time. 

I think just like there are cheaters and non-cheaters, there are people who will accept abuse and those who won't. I think for the ones who won't, it really only takes once. It may take some time coming to that conclusion but eventually you do. Took me about a month when it happened to me. Not to say eventually people get it after multiple times, but really besides the drunken ONS how much abuse does it take for you to tell someone to F off.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> Yeah..... some "prize", isn't it ?? I can see that if the cheater has a contrite heart, sees the error of his/her ways, and does not blame his/her offended spouse for his/her own behavior, then there is room to "reconcile". Forgiveness is always possible, but reconciliation has to be sensible.


She celebrates him online though? Again feels like Stockholm Syndrome. I always wonder about couples like this, where they run seminars and church presentations. What's to celebrate. It's not a happy ending, this can't be the life she wanted. It's one she has accepted. OK I get it there are reasons sometimes, financial, kids (though that one seems a mistake), age. I get it but don't act like it's a triumph. He still and *******.

Also what's he thinking, she has made her whole life telling the world what an ******* he was. Doesn't seem the basis for a healthy relationship. I mean him telling the world what an ******* he was makes a lot more sense. That one I can get behind. Still if you are going to stay together don't you have to move on? She has made this event in her marriage her life's work. Weird. 

To me the whole thing seem like a very public dysfunctional relationship.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.

-Hall and Oates​


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I guess people are expected to hold her up in some holy light or something for reconciling. Sorry, I just won't.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> "I wonder how can those who just throw in the towel like big babies, giving up what they really want in life because there is a major obstacle in the road, have any self-respect?"


LMAO. I find this statement from the 'author' *especially* moronic since she actually admitted she STAYED with her cheating POS husband after his affair supposedly ended and he grudgingly came home, dragging his feet and acting like he was on the seventh circle of Hell, because he probably had no other options.


_"Two weeks later Brian came home and wanted to work on our marriage. No flowers, no getting on his knee’s begging my forgiveness, none of the things one would expect. “I guess I’m home,” he said sounding anything but enthusiastic.

Chaos ensued. Wrong reactions make a bad situation worse. While fighting to save my marriage, I was dealt other blows on the home front, a fire, drinking and driving, and what appeared to be suicide attempts.
......
snip
......
While I was surviving my own personal nightmare, I was sure that I was going through the worst thing a person possibly could, and I was sure that my story was the worst one. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.
It took us two and a half years to rebuild our marriage. "_
​Please, sign me up for a whole lot of THAT bull****. 

Yeah, someone STUPID enough and DESPERATE enough to stay with her loser husband who acted like coming back to her was akin to being skinned alive is someone I'm going to take *seriously*.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that often it takes far more maturity, strength, courage and determination to actually say no, I am not staying with this abusive/cheating husband/wife any more. 
I have read so many accounts here of people who put up with the most appalling behaviour from their spouse but are too afraid of being alone, or of having less money, or of any change at all, to stand up to it or do anything about it. 
To say enough, and then carve out a life, often with children, on you own, is very very hard and takes great strength. The last thing such people are, is big babies. That comment was disgusting and very wrong. 

Forgiveness is vital, but reconciliation is often madness, because you may well just face the same cheating/abuse as before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> If I had to speculate, I would say her rude description of people who leave is borne of not being comfortable with her OWN decision to stay.
> 
> As far as forgiveness goes, you can forgive someone without sticking around.


My thoughts exactly. I wonder if she secretly wishes now that she had had the courage to leave? Her rudeness towards those who have chosen a different and I think often far more difficult path is just appalling.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> 
> An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...
> 
> Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.


I worked at Relate for a few years. In my experience, the vast majority of people who have affairs find it very hard to only have the one affair. Most see forgiveness as acceptance of the idea of infidelity and go on to have other affairs. Unless you do not mind your spouse having affairs, there is no point forgiving them. I once met a lady of 31 who had nine bottles of expensive perfumes in her house. They were all bought as apologies from her husband for each time she found out he was having an affair or he had had a one night stand with someone. 

She eventually left him and he married another who left too for the same reason. Not saying that is the norm, but there are many like him. I would not consider forgiving as one of the viable options. I am also sure my husband would not, but if he did, I would still leave him if I had had an affair. If the marriage has no boundaries, then in my view it is not a worthy entity.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Being smart is not in the staying or in the going. It’s in being self-controlled, willing to seek advice, and then making a wise choice for you based on the unique variables in your situation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> https://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-re...staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/
> 
> An... interesting read, to say the least. There is some merit to the forgiveness aspect, but calling the people who leave ‘big babies’, however...
> 
> Excuse me for actually finding my self-respect when I got the courage to get out. *I don’t think forgiving necessarily has to mean staying.*


You think correctly.


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