# My husband is in a new relationship while still having sex with me



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Hi! Two days ago, my husband ( 2 years married, 18 together) has confirmed that he is giving himself a chance at a new relationship and going to Germany to see his new girlfriend.
The thing is we were having sex while separated (1 year separated) and exchanging photos for the last 6-7 months approx, the same thing that he was talking to her also! So for the last months he was sweet talking to both of us and he has chosen her ultimately.
I feel extremely hurt and disrespected and now I know I have to accept that my marriage is over.

I know I have no control for what he is doing and feeling and I should focus on myself and get divorced. But I just cant understand why they do this? Why did he not said something of this other person? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


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## MTO (Jan 10, 2021)

Leave him now don’t ask anything, don’t even think about anything. In the end he will be the one who regrets everything.
Just one advice, when you end things, end it for real, once for all and move on! That’s all you need to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pr-beach said:


> Hi! Two days ago, my husband ( 2 years married, 18 together) has confirmed that he is giving himself a chance at a new relationship and going to Germany to see his new girlfriend.
> The thing is we were having sex while separated (1 year separated) and exchanging photos for the last 6-7 months approx, the same thing that he was talking to her also! So for the last months he was sweet talking to both of us and he has chosen her ultimately.
> I feel extremely hurt and disrespected and now I know I have to accept that my marriage is over.
> 
> I know I have no control for what he is doing and feeling and I should focus on myself and get divorced. But I just cant understand why they do this? Why did he not said something of this other person? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


Also, how can women do this? Sadly some people just havent got the integrity, decency or strength of character to keep their vows and remain faithful. 
Its a very painful thing to face, I hope that you can eventually heal and move on.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

MTO said:


> Leave him now don’t ask anything, don’t even think about anything. In the end he will be the one who regrets everything.
> Just one advice, when you end things, end it for real, once for all and move on! That’s all you need to do.


Thank you, its so hard but I have to do it.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Also, how can women do this? Sadly some people just havent got the integrity, decency or strength of character to keep their vows and remain faithful.
> Its a very painful thing to face, I hope that you can eventually heal and move on.


Yes, thank you... hopefully healing and moving on its easier


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get the divorce and move on, otherwise you will just be dwelling in your pain. Don’t think about it....just do it.

Or how about you take him back and then he pulls the same trick in one year from now. Cut the cord.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Actually monkey swinging from one relationship into another is much more of a female thing and statistically women recover from a break up and enter into a new relationship much faster than men. 

I am sorry for your pain and break ups and divorces always suck but your best option here is to simply close that door, don't look back over your shoulder at all and just keep moving forward with your eyes straight ahead. 

You do you and don't give him another thought.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Both men and women sometimes jump into new relationships overnight and their current relationships could be several decades long. They don’t care how long the old relationship lasted. They’re looking for a new situation but they don’t want to let go want to let go of the old situation until the new one is in place. Be prepared that his new one may not work and he could be back at some point to try again. That wouldn’t be a good idea.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Both men and women sometimes jump into new relationships overnight and their current relationships could be several decades long. They don’t care how long the old relationship lasted. They’re looking for a new situation but they don’t want to let go want to let go of the old situation until the new one is in place. Be prepared that his new one may not work and he could be back at some point to try again. That wouldn’t be a good idea.


Generally speaking men will add other women into the mix and try to spin plates and the break up often occurs when the wife finds out about it and gives him the boot or the other woman(s) really put his feet to the fire and start giving him ultimatums. 

A guy can spin plates for literally years if he doesn’t get busted or backed up into a corner and forced to choose.

Women on the other hand tend to suck it up and settle with what they currently have until a bigger, better deal (BBD) comes along. 

Once they feel secure in that relationship, they will monkey swing into that relationship.

I have experienced this personally with a few LTRs and I have personally known other women that were seemingly normal wives and mothers with minor children that blind sided their H’s and packed up and left for the other man literally in days.

I personally know a woman that met her current husband on a Friday night, and Monday morning announced she was leaving. 

I personally know another that connected on Facebook with some guy she hadn’t even dated but just kind of knew from high school. 

He was halfway across the country but they chatted on Facebook for just a few weeks and she announced her departure and packed bags. 

She didn’t quite make the move to his location because her career is location specific and she couldn’t find a suitable job at the OMs location. 

But even though that relationship with that particular OM didn’t work out, she also didn’t try to return to her BH. She realized if she was willing to leave in a week and move across the country, that the marriage wasn’t worth going back to. 

She had a different dude within a few weeks and they have been married now for several years.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly some people just havent got the integrity, decency or strength of character to keep their vows and remain faithful.


Some? More than half of marriages end in divorce. That's more broken vows than unbroken ones.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pr-beach said:


> Hi! Two days ago, my husband ( 2 years married, 18 together) has confirmed that he is giving himself a chance at a new relationship and going to Germany to see his new girlfriend.
> The thing is we were having sex while separated (1 year separated) and exchanging photos for the last 6-7 months approx, the same thing that he was talking to her also! So for the last months he was sweet talking to both of us and he has chosen her ultimately.
> I feel extremely hurt and disrespected and now I know I have to accept that my marriage is over.
> 
> I know I have no control for what he is doing and feeling and I should focus on myself and get divorced. But I just cant understand why they do this? Why did he not said something of this other person? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


He took no chances of finding himself without and leap-frogged into the next relationship. I feel no good can come of this, but the only thing for you to do is see a family law attorney because you cannot let him come back after this or he will think he can do this for the rest of your years and you'll stay. I'm so sorry. Likely, his thing will fall through. I suggest you file for divorce before he drags his sorry butt back to you defeated.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

pr-beach said:


> Hi! Two days ago, my husband ( 2 years married, 18 together) has confirmed that he is giving himself a chance at a new relationship and going to Germany to see his new girlfriend.
> The thing is we were having sex while separated (1 year separated) and exchanging photos for the last 6-7 months approx, the same thing that he was talking to her also! So for the last months he was sweet talking to both of us and he has chosen her ultimately.
> I feel extremely hurt and disrespected and now I know I have to accept that my marriage is over.
> 
> I know I have no control for what he is doing and feeling and I should focus on myself and get divorced. But I just cant understand why they do this? Why did he not said something of this other person? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


Sorry to hear about your troubles. Sounds like he was using the separation to have his cake, so to speak. I'm a bit more old fashion I guess in thinking a separation is about two people still trying/willing to work it out. Sex with someone else during a separation is still infidelity - it isn't working to make the marriage right in any event.

You probably won't ever know the whys, but it looks to me like he is showing you what you can expect in the future. Your focus sounds like a better way forward...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Actually monkey swinging from one relationship into another is much more of a female thing and statistically women recover from a break up and enter into a new relationship much faster than men.
> 
> I am sorry for your pain and break ups and divorces always suck but your best option here is to simply close that door, don't look back over your shoulder at all and just keep moving forward with your eyes straight ahead.
> 
> You do you and don't give him another thought.


Funny you should say that because in my experience its the men who move on very quickly from either a divorce or their wife dying. I know quite a few men who were in one of those situations who were married again after less than a year. Who dated again within weeks or months.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Sorry to hear about your troubles. Sounds like he was using the separation to have his cake, so to speak. I'm a bit more old fashion I guess in thinking a separation is about two people still trying/willing to work it out. Sex with someone else during a separation is still infidelity - it isn't working to make the marriage right in any event.
> 
> You probably won't ever know the whys, but it looks to me like he is showing you what you can expect in the future. Your focus sounds like a better way forward...


Iyes, it is still infidelity, especially if he is still having sex with his wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some why's, some lame.

............................................................

The old relationship is that old scab.
The new relationship is fresh skin.

The old relationship was known (to him) to be unsatisfactorily.
The new one will likely get there, in a matter of time, factually.

What is new, soon gets old.
He cannot make piece with comparatively older.

You are a given, the new woman is still a mystery.
Your marriage had a cost, hers seems, newly free.



_The Typist-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect he kept you in limbo, and hanging, because the other woman was not a sure thing.
Until, now.

SHE finally committed.

You were Plan B.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> I suspect he kept you in limbo, and hanging, because the other woman was not a sure thing.
> Until, now.
> 
> SHE finally committed.
> ...


It is hard to read this but so true. I just can’t believe I was plan B.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Iyes, it is still infidelity, especially if he is still having sex with his wife.


Yes! And what is unbelievable is that she knew that he was still having sex with me and continued to establish the relationship with him


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do you know she knew he was having sex with you?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

pr-beach said:


> But I just cant understand why they do this? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


It's definitely not just men.

Some people are monkey branching. They can't bring themselves to leave their relationship until they have established a new relationship.

Some people are just much further along in the process of detaching. Often these people have been detaching or detached for some time and are just over it and ready to move on.



pr-beach said:


> Why did he not said something of this other person?


Could be because you were separated with intention to divorce and he figured you were enjoying casual sex with the ex and it was none of your business. Could be he didn't want to tell you because he was hoping to keep you around just in case it didn't work with her. Could be he was keeping her around in case it didn't work with you. Who knows? You'd have to ask him and hope he tells the truth.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Openminded said:


> How do you know she knew he was having sex with you?


Because when he told me, he said that she knew everything that was happening between us so


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

pr-beach said:


> Because when he told me, he said that she knew everything that was happening between us so


Unless she told you that yourself, why would you believe him — it’s in his best interest to say that.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Unless she told you that yourself, why would you believe him — it’s in his best interest to say that.


I know... I am so hurt that I was thinking about contacting her and telling her/asking her but I know that that it’s bad and will make me seem desperate and eventually it will bring them closer.. this is so hard


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He could also be telling her you know about everything and are cool with it. Cheaters do lie.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He could also be telling her you know about everything and are cool with it. Cheaters do lie.


Yes so true


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP did you know about her or were you blindsided by this?

If it's true that she knew about you, she's a POS and he'll end up alone. Statistically relationships born out of infidelity have less than 5% chance of going the distance. I really hope that when it all ends in tears and he comes crawling back looking to rekindle with you, that you are looking and feeling your beautiful, confident, sassy best and tell him to take a long walk off a short bridge x


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

frusdil said:


> OP did you know about her or were you blindsided by this?
> 
> If it's true that she knew about you, she's a POS and he'll end up alone. Statistically relationships born out of infidelity have less than 5% chance of going the distance. I really hope that when it all ends in tears and he comes crawling back looking to rekindle with you, that you are looking and feeling your beautiful, confident, sassy best and tell him to take a long walk off a short bridge x


Thanks! I’m sorry but by POS what does it means?
I just didn’t know that she existed... we were still being intimate regularly


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

pr-beach said:


> Thanks! I’m sorry but by POS what does it means?
> I just didn’t know that she existed... we were still being intimate regularly


Piece of sh*t...


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Piece of sh*t...


Well yeah, both are POS jeje


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

pr-beach said:


> Hi! Two days ago, my husband ( 2 years married, 18 together) has confirmed that he is giving himself a chance at a new relationship and going to Germany to see his new girlfriend.
> The thing is we were having sex while separated (1 year separated) and exchanging photos for the last 6-7 months approx, the same thing that he was talking to her also! So for the last months he was sweet talking to both of us and he has chosen her ultimately.
> I feel extremely hurt and disrespected and now I know I have to accept that my marriage is over.
> 
> I know I have no control for what he is doing and feeling and I should focus on myself and get divorced. But I just cant understand why they do this? Why did he not said something of this other person? How can men jump from an 18 year relationship to another in months? It is so confusing. Any thoughts?


Because you STBXH is a typical cake eater. Why would you sleep with him when you were separated? who wanted the separation? You didnt set any boundaries so he used you and you were Plan B till he made his decision. Sorry you are here. Do a full 180, get a lawyer, go no contact and take him for as much money as you can.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

pr-beach said:


> Well yeah, both are POS* jeje*


 Heh, heh to English speakers! 

He burned his own bridge _back to you._
Do not reconstruct it.

Make a new bridge to a worthy man.

Heh, heh, well after, you have divorced and healed from this painful relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The nice thing about women and men who divorce their partner, is that a new life now begins.

If you stand before a full-length mirror, you will see that nothing has changed about you.
No parts are missing or damaged.

You are still capable of loving another human being, and they loving you in return.

A kind heart, and one loyal, is always in demand.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

aine said:


> Because you STBXH is a typical cake eater. Why would you sleep with him when you were separated? who wanted the separation? You didnt set any boundaries so he used you and you were Plan B till he made his decision. Sorry you are here. Do a full 180, get a lawyer, go no contact and take him for as much money as you can.


Yes, in my mind I thought that it will brings us closer or something but obviously that was not the case! Hopefully divorce will be amicable since we have three kids!


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> The nice thing about women and men who divorce their partner, is that a new life now begins.
> 
> If you stand before a full-length mirror, you will see that nothing has changed about you.
> No parts are missing or damaged.
> ...


Thank you! This shall pass!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why in the world would you have sex with him if you know he is having sex with someone else? Kick him to the curb


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

karole said:


> Why in the world would you have sex with him if you know he is having sex with someone else? Kick him to the curb


Ehh I did not know he was having sex with her and also talking with someone else...... on friday is when he told me


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Actually monkey swinging from one relationship into another is much more of a female thing and statistically women recover from a break up and enter into a new relationship much faster than men.
> 
> I am sorry for your pain and break ups and divorces always suck but your best option here is to simply close that door, don't look back over your shoulder at all and just keep moving forward with your eyes straight ahead.
> 
> You do you and don't give him another thought.


I have to say that this comment about women being able to monkey swing to other relationships is a very difficult thing to ascertain as I am one of the women that was left with much this same type of spouse and 15 days after our divorce, he was married again,, before the ink dryer on our divorce papers, so it depends much on the narrator of the CHEATING spouses. Not the sex of the person... He is a narcissist that has done this to everyone hes ever been with.


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