# Online Gaming Addiction? Get Outta Here!



## Most

Ugh, reading some of these online gaming threads almost makes me sick. It's one of the main reasons why I joined this 'marriage' forum. It must just be a 'women's' forum though judging from the responses and excuses i'm seeing.

I came here because yes my marriage is on the ropes at the moment and I think it has everything to do with gaming, online gaming to be precise. I was looking for advice on the effects of gaming and marriages on other people's relationships and all i've found and not just on this site is how selfish most women are.

I am the father of 3 healthy kids that don't have to worry about where their next meal is coming from, or not being able to play outside in the winter because we can't afford coates, and they never go to bed hungry. You can have all the lights on in my house year round, talk on the phone long distance all day long and never worry about these things being turned off because I can't pay the bills. I am the only one that works and I enjoy my job. I'm such a casual drinker, that even saying I drink is questionable. I've never put my hand on my wife in anger, harmed my kids in any physical way, I don't go out partying and I haven't given her any reason to question my faithfullness.

My wife works at home, and by that I mean she cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. I am not belittling that at all, I know how hard it is watching over young children(mine are ages 4,3,2) and how stressful they can be at times. My apologies for the long summary, but that is my situation.

Now on to online gaming. I game quite a bit, it kills time, is cheap, easy and fun. I don't mind doing things with my wife or the family, all I ask is for a heads up. Suprises in general aren't a thing I like in general, and dislike even more as a gamer. What you women, who refuse to even try something by just looking at, need to realize about online gaming is that it's not something with a pause button, your playing with another Real person or people that have their own real life issues/time constraints going on and don't have time to adjust to everyone elses distractions. Especially if they're in groups or raids(bigger groups w/even more people that requires everyone to pay more attention). 

So after work, I'll play with the kids for a bit, grab a drink and sit down to play. I'll play till dinner, then after dinner until it's time for me to bathe the kids and then i'll play until it's time to go to sleep. That's on the weekday and not taking into account other stuff that I may have to do(take oldest to swim class, take sons to get a haircut...etc) and play even more on the weekends. You women 'expect' men to read into your minds...please...it's not happening, if you want to do something then say something and more than just 'You don't spend enough time with me and the kids!' What is that supposed to mean, if your expecting us to guess and magically get it right, then wake up from your dream/movie world that doesn't exist. You want to go out this weekend, no problem, you want to take the kids out to the park sometime this week then ok...just give us a heads up. You want to drop last minute stuff on me, dinner w/friends that night, in-laws visiting tomorrow, fine, then expect us to have a little attitude. As a gamer that's one of the most frustrating things for me, hell even if I wasn't a gamer.

Communication, communication...you hear it so much from women that you would think it's in the bible. Well communicate dammit, when we evolve as a species that can understand others without talking then let me know. Until then, we have no clue and would really appreciate it if you would say something. Ok, you don't want us to play the game so much...np, what are we doing in the none gaming time. Would you be happy if i was sitting on the couch watching the 'games' until you want to do something or talk? I suppose some people just aren't meant to be married, since having fun alone has somehow become a big no no.

Other than just knocking your husband's game, have you even bothered to try it? I mean you want us to stop doing something that is relaxing and fun for us, just because of what you see as childish and a waste of time. I don't know about you but riding a bike is fun, playing basketball is fun, reading fiction is fun...and what do you get to show for those things? Not a damn thing, just like playing a game, but you don't look at those activities as nonconstructive wastes of time do you?

You want your relationship to work, then talk about what it is you want and I don't mean just the broadstroke comments like 'more time with me and the kids' to something we can put a check in the box in, like 'no gaming until the kids are asleep' 'no gaming every other weekend'. Something that we can mentally see and be able to do something about, just remember the indepedent thing works both ways, know you can't 'make' a man do anything he doesn't want to do, but if he wants to keep his family, he will make adjustments, it will also help that you note those adjustments that he does make which can push him to change even more. That is better advice over, 'If he's not giving you what you need, leave now and never turn back' without the husband knowing specifically what the hell you need in the first place.

Me personally, I am a stable person and if you want to leave then cya later, i'll still take care of my responsibility as a father, but i'll be damned if the change you want is me sitting around waiting on you telling me what I should be doing. I already work one job and I refuse to do the same when Im at home. Relationships take work for them to work, but when it becomes an every day thing, it's time for both parties to look on. And right now Im looking at the possibility of being a permanent bachelor, because if this one doesn't work out, i'll never get married again. I just may be one of those people that aren't meant to be with anyone.

Take it from a man speaking his mind and not trying to appease the pissed off women that should be mad at themselves for having an 'addicted gamer'.

P.S. If im told in advance about a gathering, get together or trip to the in-laws, I always go. I never have put gaming ahead of my kids school or daycare events and if my wife ever wanted to do something im there. Im stern with my kids and I don't consider myself their friends, yet they are never in trouble unless they don't do what they're told. I don't like kids to be honest, except my own of course and can't wait until they are older. A kids imagination keeps them from becoming bored, so the whole your kids need you more in their life is lost on me...a son of a single parent mother who had to make toymen out of paper because we were so broke. I want my kids to be strong willed, emotionally/physically strong and dependant on themselves, they learn more from just my actions than by me talking to them. Just by me being here is more than what many other people do or did not have growing up. 

Whatever you choose when going over the pros/cons, staying or leaving him; make sure a video game isn't the highest thing on the list.


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## Atholk

Sometimes though a resto shaman is just looking for a good tank. She meets a warrior and it's cool between them. Then the warrior specs fury and is all LOL DPS!!1!!!1! This is cool for a bit because she doesn't mind him having fun, but she's specced resto and now its much harder keeping the damn warrior up than it was before. Kinda annoying in fact.

Then she mets a prot pally and this guy just rocks, so easy to heal. They work so well together. The warrior still comes along as DPS, but one day the pally is like "I'm sick of sharing plate drops with the warrior, can't we just get a rogue or a mage or something?"

It's tense for a bit.... then...

/You have been removed from the group


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## Most

Heh...i'll bite. Since that probably made no sense to anyone but gamers, is the point your trying to make is that the acceptance and relationships in online gaming are temporary, and that the ones outside of the game are tangible and lifelong. Then point made and I agree, but not once in my post did I say Im some important avatar leader in a virtual world.

My whole post summarized is only this, if you don't like something about what your partner is doing, tell us why and give just a detail of what it is you would rather have us do, since most of the people playing these games are truly having fun and see nothing wrong with how much time they spend online. Not everyone is the great social czar that needs to be out and about to have a healthy lifestyle. And again, 'more time with me and the kids' isn't good enough, you need to be specific or expect little to no change.


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## hockey_mom

Online gaming is very addictive.My ex husband and I played right after dinner until late at night that is part of the reason we split.You don't think you are addicted try staying off the computer for 2 day's.You say you do things as a family but you also said you don't like surprises and like a head up that is because it takes away from your gaming.
People who game and say they are not addicted are in denial.I uninstalled my game from the computer and cancelled my subscription and there have been many times I have to fight myself not to get it back.I started playing because that is what my husband did and I felt if I did'nt involve myself then we would never have time together.It is pretty strange now though we have both split we are in different relationships and neither one of us plays if only we could have done that when we were together.


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## Most

Denial? Standing my ground is a bit more accurate. 

"part of the reason we split"

Definitely not the only reason, since saying i'm leaving someone over playing a video game is like saying i'm leaving someone who wears that tacky shirt I hate looking at. Never asking that person to change or not wear it so often. 

I truly don't like suprises, and your right, part of it does have to do with gaming, which i mentioned in my original thread. Real people, no pause buttons and the attention you have to keep. If I say wait 10 minutes, you act like i've just chosen the game over you when all we're saying is just wait a bit and you'll have our full undivided attention. What's 10-15 minutes when you dont see us at work for 8-10 hours? 

To make it even better, if I was 'out' playing a basketball game with friends and you were there, would you stop me right in the middle of the game to say, "hey, what do you think about my nails...come look at your son sleeping over here, he's so cute" No, you wouldn't...would you?


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## Atholk

Most said:


> My whole post summarized is only this, if you don't like something about what your partner is doing, tell us why and give just a detail of what it is you would rather have us do, since most of the people playing these games are truly having fun and see nothing wrong with how much time they spend online. Not everyone is the great social czar that needs to be out and about to have a healthy lifestyle. And again, 'more time with me and the kids' isn't good enough, you need to be specific or expect little to no change.


That's all fine if you're dealing with a male friend that you have having problems with. Trouble is she's a female that you're having a sexual relationship with, and she will have quite different expectations of interacting with you than a male friend would.

On some level, the gaming is killing her sexual attraction to you. Whether that's simply because when you play you're emotionally absent, you aren't showing leadership, you're physically weakening, she's solo with three toddlers 24/7 or whatever, its clear that something isn't working here. (I don't know exactly what it is based on the info you have given me, but I'm 100% sure on this point)

Once your woman loses attraction for you, her mind just goes into overdrive finding stuff to bust your balls on. She won't even know why the heck she does it, most of it won't even be rational, just emotional whining and nagging. She'll know you are planing to play and she'll spur of the moment decide to do something needing you just to force an argument. So everything in your marriage turns into one long **** test, and it seems you are failing the test.

Quite possibly you are failing on the point of her wanting you to provide a leadership role, where she follows your direction. This is somewhat politically incorrect I know, but a majority of women really do like their husbands to take the lead. So when you say "stop nagging, just tell me what it is you want me to do then" you are actually making things much worse, because you are making it clear that you won't lead.

Women who want to be led by their husbands almost NEVER tell them that. If they have to tell you to lead, it means they are leading not you, which is the opposite of what they emotionally want._ And yes you are meant to "just know" that it is what she wants._


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## Most

Then that test is over and I have already failed. Why...why do women make things so hard? It's like they are a puzzle and we'll never be able to put all the pieces together.

That was actually sound advice Atholk. I never initiate the events/outtings, only react or follow along with what she plans. That has given me something to think about other than just the 'stop playing or im leaving' ultimatum which burns me to the core with anger and the old, well **** it attitude.


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## Atholk

It's not over. If she's still with you and there's no cheating, no divorce papers etc, it's still quite salvagable.

Women are not nearly as complicated as you think. Once you lead a little, they tend to become quite compliant and even docile with you.

I'm assuming you're playing WoW btw. You may be interested in WoW Detox - The Detox center for your World of Warcraft Addiction!

Step away from the computer for a week. Play with the kids (That's likely really turning her attraction off if you don't play with the kids enough), flirt shamelessly with her. (But don't angle it to try and get sex. See my signature line for the basic principle!) Take her out to dinner. Or even just decide what's for dinner and cook it.

Anyway... got to go now. About to head out w my wife


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## Most

I do play WoW at the moment, but it was City of Heroes and Everquest 2 before this. I just enjoy online gaming. I think I came to a realization earlier today about my relationship. Other than the kids, we have nothing in common. Im an African American and she is Japanese. We both come from completely different backgrounds, family/friend wise and the only thing that brought us together was just that, I never had a woman genuinely care for me so much and wasn't after me just for looks, what I had and the kind of car I drove...and I suppose she had never had a man that treated her with deep respect, attention, love and affection. 

Well the plastic wrap around what we had has well worn off, and when it actually crossed my mind to put the game down until at least the kids are asleep, it just dawned on me that if I wasn't playing the game....what the hell would I be doing during all this new free time?

Other than the kids and loving each other, I don't think we have anything else in common. Is that enough? Since i've been playing the game since day 1, being fed up with just the game can't be the only reason in my opinion she's tossing the big D word out there, I need to come up with something we both can do to fill the void or I think I will come to resent her everytime I see a computer. Since the last thing I want is to come home and wait on her to say when or how I can enjoy myself. Actually that will never happen, i'll sign the divorce papers gladly before the day I come home to misery.

I think tomorrow I'll go see a counselor, since I know I can come off as harsh and uncaring if I just blurt out what's building up inside at the moment.

And that Detox place is just a bunch of people that let a game go way too far into their personal, professional and social lives. I don't see how that is a place to go seek the oh so unreachable 'gaming cure' that I wasn't looking for.


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## Blonddeee

"On some level, the gaming is killing her sexual attraction to you. Whether that's simply because when you play you're emotionally absent, you aren't showing leadership, you're physically weakening, she's solo with three toddlers 24/7 or whatever, its clear that something isn't working here. (I don't know exactly what it is based on the info you have given me, but I'm 100% sure on this point)"
Wow- I completely agree with that statement- my ex was a "gamer" and it was a huge turnoff- he'd sit there for hours with that stupid headset and giggling... it just made me want to throw up and run out the door- and I did. You have a family- why does your wife have to spell it out for you? I only had a puppy with my ex-h so I would just do my own thing while he played his games during his waking hours unless I told him otherwise- which I wasn't his mother- I didn't want to have to monitor his game time. He would stop playing if I asked him to do something, but I didn't like telling him how to spend his free time- so I became very independent and then finally got the guts up to leave. 
You need to make the effort to spend time with the family- give your wife a break from the kids- I know you said you help and that's great, but there's things you could do to relax that involve your wife- and if you do some of those things without her having to ask you then she's going to be a happier person with your marriage and family- maybe not complain as much... why does she need to tell you specific things like- you can only play after the kids are sleeping- take some initiative and if you see something that can improve the marriage- DO IT!


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## Atholk

I think having a 2, 3 and 4 year old is basically the source of most of her stress. Spending time with them all day drives most people stir crazy. You playing before the kids came along may not have been a problem. A mild annoyance perhaps, but not a deal breaker. The trouble is that it sounds like you are trying to live the same way now that the kids have come along. She's run out of energy with the home situation and needs you to either change and help out more, or find someone who can.

If you are heading towards divorce with your wife clearly stating that gaming is the issue, then I think you do have a gaming problem. Claiming you don't have a problem because your job is unaffected is missing the point, you're have your entire non-work life falling apart because of it. So it meets the criteria of it being a problem, _when it's a problem._

Most people have that trouble of filling a vacuum when giving up an addiction. That's one of the symptoms of it actually being an addiction. Extreme example... I'm sure you would think a heroin addict suggesting that giving up heroin would be a bad idea because he wouldn't know what to do with his day without the heroin would be silly.

Here's the basic choice that I can see ahead of you...

Option One - Just keep on doing whatever you are currently doing, and it sounds like you are seriously risking divorce, three child support payments and alimony as well. I'm not sure how much you make, but frankly after the **** hits the fan and everyone gets a piece of your income, you may not be able to even afford $15 a month to log onto Warcraft. You'll struggle with dating anyone of value because all of the pretty girls will vanish on you once they find out about the alimony and child support sphioning happening to your paycheck.

Option Two - take a break from gaming for a while. Cataclysm isn't out for at least another 3-4 months, and in terms of character gearing, new expansions just make the older gear unimportant pretty quickly. So really you aren't risking over much with your characters. During this time give you body time to adjust to the lack of having the neurochemicals that gaming produces swimming in your brain. There really is a detox happening. Purposely spend time with your wife and kids. Make things happen at home for them. Lead.

If Option Two still turns out to still be heading to divorce, well you can just log back onto the account and rent an apartment. 

I know I'm making sense to you here. If the choice is at all hard to make.... _it's because you are addicted._

I absolutely dare you to show your wife this thread.


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## Most

I have been dared! I must do it now!

I've tried to do things a bit differently since Monday, we're still not talking normally but things are moving forward at least. I've taken my kids out bowling on Monday evening, cooked dinner Tuesday night, had a good vent session today with a professional counselor and honestly...I don't know why I was so strung up over this in the first place.

My whole situation...listen up gamers...could have easily been avoided if I just would have took the time to help out with the kids, do some things with the family, and try to include my wife in things we both can enjoy. During this little 3 day phase of mine, I have not stopped gaming at all. I've just tried to balance what I enjoy, with what I enjoy with my family...putting them first pretty much before myself. 

By doing these other things, you come to realize that hey, this isn't boring or bad at all, and the itch to login as soon as I get home has faded. Now...if you are like how I thought I would be...angry, pissed off and resentful of not being able to play whenever you get the urge, then either your not really putting forth an effort or it is time to move on.

My counselor gave me a book that seems pretty good, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey and the Prep workbook for a 1 day workshop on 'Fighting for Your Marriage'. 

And to Atholk, i'm actually a touch irritated that you were right...although the divorce, child support and other garnishes doesn't weigh as heavily with me, the main thing that I realized was that I actually want this marriage to work, and if I can do that without sacrificing what it is I enjoy...then it's worth giving it a shot. But I honestly came here with all intentions on standing up for all those who have or had play games, since most of these women seemed like they couldn't grasp or understand why they're enjoyable without even giving one a shot.

I think your Option One is more of a so what for most gamers, it almost seems like freedom in a way? You women hold all the 'I could take...' cards over our heads expecting that threats will force us to change when all it does is builds the kind of resentment that people kill over. In my opinion, no matter how bad it gets, it can always be worse(which is why I don't understand suicides). Thank goodness she didn't mention that to me, I would have went and got the divorce papers myself.

Option 2 looks great, although I haven't stopped gaming. I just don't do it until the kids are asleep now. And as I mentioned before, making a conscious effort to spend time with the family seems to be paying off, I can actually see from her body language that she recognizes I'm trying to change.

And to Blundee, did you ever put on that stupid headset? Did you even try the game? You probably didn't, judging without experience is ignorant. Next time you see a comedy or someone tells a joke, try not to laugh and see how odd that feels... So somehow he's a turnoff because of a normal reaction to something funny that he heard through those stupid headsets? Meh, other than your lack of effort on your part for even trying to see what he got out of it, you did have some sound advicewhich echo'd Atholk, initiative/lead.


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## Atholk

Most said:


> And to Atholk, i'm actually a touch irritated that you were right...although the divorce, child support and other garnishes doesn't weigh as heavily with me, the main thing that I realized was that I actually want this marriage to work, and if I can do that without sacrificing what it is I enjoy...then it's worth giving it a shot. But I honestly came here with all intentions on standing up for all those who have or had play games, since most of these women seemed like they couldn't grasp or understand why they're enjoyable without even giving one a shot.


Well I'm not here to win friends 

I'm right because I have fought my own battles with gaming addiction, so I know. I did 100+ days played (as in 2400+ hours)on my mage in the first year of Warcraft coming out. High end raid guild and server first boss kills etc. Awesome good fun. The real "oh ****" point came when my wife had a bad mammogram. I still miss some of my online friends from that time - sometimes it's not even the game, it's the emotional attachments to other actual people that are the issue.

But like I say... Quitting World of Warcraft is easy, I've done it 6 times. :rofl:

Personally - and your mileage may very well vary on this point - I just find I can't really control it. I can't log on for "just an hour". It starts that way, but it always grows and grows. So for me, I have to stop completely. I tend to be fairly focused, so it's really just better for everyone that I'm focuses about family stuff rather than a game.

Glad to hear you're making progress.


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## Most

Thanks and no wonder your first post hit the nail on the head so dead on. I was like how does he know im a Warrior, specced prot and fury. ;p


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## Blonddeee

Blundee? Ok... I'm sorry I came across so rude- little cranky the other day I guess  And no I never tried on the stupid headset, I think it was a lot of things- my ex played it from the moment he got home from work till he went to sleep and then before he went to work... it became annoying and eventually it became just a huge turnoff for me- i just couldn't watch him play the game, but there were other issues- drinking, lying, porn and the games so I didn't leave him because he played video games, but they didn't help. That's just where I cam coming from- sorry- didn't mean to be judgemental towards you. 
I think it's a great idea to make changes without her having to ask you to- that way you aren't resenting her for telling you what to do and she's going to start noticing how you are around more with the family. So I'm glad you are trying to make things work


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## Everest

Most said:


> Then that test is over and I have already failed. Why...why do women make things so hard? It's like they are a puzzle and we'll never be able to put all the pieces together.
> 
> That was actually sound advice Atholk. I never initiate the events/outtings, only react or follow along with what she plans. That has given me something to think about other than just the 'stop playing or im leaving' ultimatum which burns me to the core with anger and the old, well **** it attitude.


I second that one - You hit the nail on the head! Yeah I play games cause I bored out of my mind. If I watch TV - she is off "cleaning" or "getting organized" or whatever, so whether its TV or games isn't the only thing. 

I did find a cool thing to do - I was playing the facebook games - my daughter is 7, and I set her up to play Cafe World/Farmville and those games so we could "do it together". Suddenly - I had huge support from my wife. (until she saw the million sexual predators on my daughter's pseudo account with a pseudo picture of hanna montana... replaced it with Oprah - and the predators quit...)


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## Atholk

everest said:


> replaced it with oprah - and the predators quit...)


lmao.


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## beninneedofhelp

grr i wish i could say something inspireing but im losing my wife cause i played WOW so dam much and cant get her to forgive me now that i have quite playing it so if you look back at all the posts i made you will see all the trouble it caused for me and im still working on my situation all though it seems hopeless at times im still fighting for my marriage


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## AlexNY

Atholk said:


> Sometimes though a resto shaman is just looking for a good tank. She meets a warrior and it's cool between them. Then the warrior specs fury and is all LOL DPS!!1!!!1! This is cool for a bit because she doesn't mind him having fun, but she's specced resto and now its much harder keeping the damn warrior up than it was before. Kinda annoying in fact.
> 
> Then she mets a prot pally and this guy just rocks, so easy to heal. They work so well together. The warrior still comes along as DPS, but one day the pally is like "I'm sick of sharing plate drops with the warrior, can't we just get a rogue or a mage or something?"
> 
> It's tense for a bit.... then...
> 
> /You have been removed from the group


Nerf AD.


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## Most

beninneedofhelp said:


> grr i wish i could say something inspireing but im losing my wife cause i played WOW so dam much and cant get her to forgive me now that i have quite playing it so if you look back at all the posts i made you will see all the trouble it caused for me and im still working on my situation all though it seems hopeless at times im still fighting for my marriage


Then have her read this. If it's just a gaming issue, I doubt it is too late to save your marriage. Unless you truly are addicted, for me I think it was just an issue of not having my priorities straight. I take care of home first now, then me. I think just stopping cold turkey though is almost setting yourself up for failure IMO.


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## beninneedofhelp

Most said:


> Then have her read this. If it's just a gaming issue, I doubt it is too late to save your marriage. Unless you truly are addicted, for me I think it was just an issue of not having my priorities straight. I take care of home first now, then me. I think just stopping cold turkey though is almost setting yourself up for failure IMO.


Na i did quite the game cold turkey that dont bother me and it wasnt just the game addiction it is what i let the game do to me by taking me out of my familys life and centering the game first , it made my wife feel neglected alone , used even , and i wasnt there in reality , sure i was physically there and paying my bills but i just played the game and ignored everything else.

and that became to her to much to take , she kicked me out once over a year and a half ago over it and asked i cut back that worked for a bit but then i slowly went back to playing all the time and now im kicked out again but this time i made big changes in my life and she sees them and likes them but is scared to give it a chance now and is resistant to trying or even being around each other right now.

and to top it off she almost resents the fact i made them changes cause i didnt do it the first time around and now she is questioning herself why is it important now when it wasnt before >? and the only thing i can really say is last time i was kicked out for a week this time im going on 3+months and had time to reflect and look at things and truely make changes for myself that bettered myself and possibly life with her and my kids and got back to being my old self before the game.

But i have heard the dreaded i love you but not in love with you no more thing and all kinds of things yet i have a friend that is mutual for her and I that she dont no is talking to me that lets me no what she is saying since she has opened up to her and she is also a councelor to boot , so i do no she misses me doesnt really want the divorce and so on but yet still wont try still is resistant and still dont want me around to much and i figure i no why and thats easy when she is around me her walls come down and she fights herself to keep them up so its like she is trying to break them bonds or something but cant and i will try not to let that happen .

just with a better grasp of things in relationships, but she is still stuck on the divorce thing all though she hasnt filed yet or done anything for childsupport and still has it in her head its a little to late but im working on making it just in time if it is possible still but i will not give up not on her or my kids that is something i cant do they are to important in life and our kids deserve to have both parents in there lives full time something her and i both didnt have in life , but i do this out of love and true realization of the issues from the past and i work to make life a better place for them all even if it hurts me daily i will go on


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## swedish

Most said:


> for me I think it was just an issue of not having my priorities straight. I take care of home first now, then me.


This is really what the issue with gaming is all about. When it consumes your time when you are not working or taking care of other obligations, it leaves your spouse feeling as if you have no desire to spend time with them...whether it's planning a date night out or sitting next to one another on the couch...just being together...especially true when you are taking care of little ones all day and look forward to seeing your husband walk through the door...only to find him going straight for the computer...Sure, she could say 'Will you pencil me in for 7pm tomorrow?...I want to go out to dinner'...but that gets old fast and reinforces the message that she is second fiddle.

Glad to hear you are taking charge and putting your marriage first.


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## Commited1

Have to weigh in on this thouugh it seems to have been pretty much resolved. 

I was in much the same situation as the first post in this thread. When I didn't _have_ to be doing something else, I was gaming online. I tried to include Her. She was interested but showed no real initiative which I took as disinterest 'if you really want to do this, you'll load the game and all the patches etc onto your pc yourself'. 

Many many times she would ask if I _wanted_ to do x or y with her and I turned her down. Many many times she would start talking in the middle of a game or otherwise try to get my attention on something else in the middle of a game and I would react with extreme irritation. Exactly as the OP states- "If you want to do something, let me know ahead of time, plan it out". 

I found out eventually that what she really wanted was that I _*want*_ to spend time doing something where she was the center of my attention. She absolutely understood that I was doing something that required large unbroken blocks of time- something that did not involve her. I always use speakers instead of earphones so she would hear the flirtations and uninhibitedly sexual tone of some of the female players, and though she didn't say anything, I found out later it drove her crazy. 

She decided to 'play the same game' (bad pun) by getting into facebook mobsters games and refusing to step away from it for anything she didn't _have_ to do for a month. No talking to her more than a few words, did absolutely nothing together, she pretty much totally ignored my presence. I got nothing cooked for me, if I made dirty dishes and didn't clean them I would wake up with them in the bed with me (I get off work at 11:00pm and would game all night and make a mess and then crash and wake up at like 1:00pm). She stopped doing any kind of laundry for me, stopped sex pretty much dead cold. This was like a huge slap in the face to wake me up, which I still kind of resent her for because it was an exaggerated version of what I had done to her.

Things are different now after some drama and looong conversations and we understand each other a bit better now. We have both aggreed to take a long temporary break from gaming.

After the holidays and getting things settled at the start of the year, I am going to totally load everything into her pc, download and install all of the patches mods etc, and walk her through step by step. We will game together, it will be scheduled (along with everthing else, like date night etc) etc and so forth.


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## Blonddeee

Last year my ex-husband decided he would rather stay home and play video games then go out for New Years... memories...


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## Commited1

Blonddeee said:


> Last year my ex-husband decided he would rather stay home and play video games then go out for New Years... memories...


Given this and your other posts in this thread, I have to ask- Was this the way he was when you had marrried him or is this what he transformed into after you got married?


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## Astonefeather

Now this is a good thread! Thank you for starting this thread from the perspective of a male gamer. It helps me see things from my fiance's perspective.

We started play WoW shortly after we started dating almost five years ago. We were both OBSESSED with it and played it together every day. We would plan our schedules around our guild's raid times. But after the first expansion I started to lose interest. I had worked SO HARD to get my toons up to the level 60 and they all had epic gear. I felt like I had accomplished something and was a recognized player on my server. Then suddenly green items outranked my epics and I had to battle my way to 70. It felt like starting over from scratch and the game because less enjoyable. I was just getting back into and the SECOND expansion came out and raised the cap even higher. I just stopped caring at that point. I toyed around with the draenai and blood elves, but I just wasn't into it anymore.

Meanwhile my fiance is still going strong. I don't begrudge him this pleasure as it is his way of unwinding after work. My only issue has become his inability to commit to anything outside of Warcraft. We have missed several dates and I have gone to bed lonely many nights despite his promise to log off at a certain hour. If a raid runs long, it's just too bad for me. He has gotten so bad that he will stay up all night playing if he doesn't have to work the next day. He has fallen asleep at the keyboard on more than one occasion.


Anyway, I say that if you are able to hold a job and you make time for your family then she can just get over it. My father is addicted to online poker, but he can still manage to be downstairs to watch the evening news with my mom each night. And if there is a tournament that he wants to compete in, he just gives her a heads up and does his thing and she's okay with it. My sisters and I always knew that dad would be in the computer room and if we needed him, we just went in there and hung out. When I was home from Christmas I headed straight to computer room to say to dad. And his parrot... he got himself a little conure to be his computer buddy. That little bird loves the daughters, but HATES my mom. I think she's trying to replace her as wife.


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## Blonddeee

Commited1 said:


> Given this and your other posts in this thread, I have to ask- Was this the way he was when you had marrried him or is this what he transformed into after you got married?


He played video games when we dated, but never when I was there... he went from one addiction to another, drinking, porn, video games... looking back I would have done things differently, but too late now... just need to learn from it


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## Atholk

Astonefeather said:


> Meanwhile my fiance is still going strong. I don't begrudge him this pleasure as it is his way of unwinding after work. My only issue has become his inability to commit to anything outside of Warcraft. We have missed several dates and I have gone to bed lonely many nights despite his promise to log off at a certain hour. If a raid runs long, it's just too bad for me. He has gotten so bad that he will stay up all night playing if he doesn't have to work the next day. He has fallen asleep at the keyboard on more than one occasion.


So what's gonna happen when you add something like a new baby to the mix?

Also you may love this video.... Tripod perform at a Comedy Festival


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## lil_titch

It just sounds to me like you've already chosen gaming over everything else and are trying to justify it somehow...after work, before dinner, after dinner. Lamo!! She needs to tell you in advance? You don't like to drop your online 'family' for your real one it seems? Your priorities need to be your family first, if there is time left, then it's your turn for 'me' time. When does your wife get her 'me' time? My teenage son is a gamer too and he can't seem to focus much on anything when he's logged into wow. It's like he is tuned out. Good luck to you.


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## Blonddeee

Atholk said:


> So what's gonna happen when you add something like a new baby to the mix?
> 
> Also you may love this video.... Tripod perform at a Comedy Festival


That video was great...lol!!:rofl:


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## Most

lil_titch said:


> It just sounds to me like you've already chosen gaming over everything else and are trying to justify it somehow...after work, before dinner, after dinner. Lamo!! She needs to tell you in advance? You don't like to drop your online 'family' for your real one it seems? Your priorities need to be your family first, if there is time left, then it's your turn for 'me' time. When does your wife get her 'me' time? My teenage son is a gamer too and he can't seem to focus much on anything when he's logged into wow. It's like he is tuned out. Good luck to you.


No actually I wasn't choosing gaming over everything else. I just wasn't CONSIDERING everything else. And gah I feel corny for even saying this, *knocks on wood* but damn my marriage seems better than ever at the moment. My wife's sex drive has resurfaced, my kids are running to me at the door now asking about what we're going to do today, I have a trip to Universal Studios planned on the 16th and *drumroll* I'm still gaming! But im enjoying my time with the family even more that my play time has dwindled considerably.


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## Most

Ugh, rereading your post lil_titch, im starting to get a bit irritated. So i'll break down each one of your little stabs at online gamers.

1)Sounds like you've already chosen gaming over......
No, I was just being selfish, treating my wife and kids more like roomates then actual family. 

2)...after work, before dinner, after dinner. Lamo!!
Yep, if you bothered to read more than just my initial post you would have got my reasons. Cheap, fun, easy...etc.

3) She needs to tell you in advance?
I still stick to this faithfully, that has not changed when it comes to planning, I just call that being considerate.

4) You don't like to drop your online 'family' for your real one it seems?
The thing you and everyone else like you need to understand is that, the only thing 'fake' about online gaming is the virtual world and avatars in the game, there are 'real' people just like you and me behind those avatars, talking/joking/annoying...having fun together. 

5. Your priorities.....family first...then your...'me' time
Read so many posts before the one you typed up.

6. When does your wife....'me' time?
Great question, the best in your post IMO, that's definitely were I was messing up before.

7. Comparing a man that is taking care of home financially to a teenage boy is almost insulting and shows how most women view online gaming in general...as a kid/teen thing...it's not.

And thanks for the good luck.


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## Dryden

Hi Most, I haven't read every post so maybe it's been answered already but here's my $0.02.

I have mild gaming addiction too. I say mild, because I go in fits where I'll play like crazy, then have a spell where I don't really play much at all.

Like you, I was playing MMO's a lot. Started with FFXI years ago, then moved to WoW. My wife and I experienced something similar to you. She was started to resent the amount of time that I was spending on the computer instead of interacting with her and the kids. She wasn't necessarily mad at the fact that I was a gamer, just that I spent a lot more time and effort on it than on the family. I think pretty much it was very similar to the position you find yourself in.

I too had to realize that I needed to create more of a balance. I didn't have to give up my gaming altogether, but I DID have to make an effort to create a balance. What I've done is that I usually don't allow myself to game until later in the evening. Once the kids are in bed and I've spent some time with my wife, then I'll fire up my PS3 and play away (not currently playing WOW). As you expressed in one of your other posts, once I was making an effort on this balance, I found my urge to play right when I got home faded. I enjoy spending time with my family. Some nights I find that I won't even play at all. Then other nights, my wife doesn't mind if I'm playing while the kids are still up because I've put forth that effort to have family interaction.

One thing though, unless they are gamers themselves, I don't know that they will ever understand the 'there's no pause' concept .


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## hockey_mom

was Dryden your user name on WOW?if you don't mind me asking


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## Dryden

I had a few different ones.. I MIGHT have had a Dryden, but my main ones were Claudus and Salorian.


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## Atholk

I think with World of Warcraft the issue is that at first it is pretty much a solo game. When you're leveling up, you can stop whenever you want - just park your toon in a safe place - and go attend to whatever. Then you have a lot more grouping stuff. Gotta play for a proper hour to run an instance or whatever. Then you're in the endgame and raiding is 3-5 hours 3-6 days a week. And there's not much stopping for anything.

Fast forward you're grinding trash farming for mats to make the special widgets to gear a tank and you need seven special widgets so thats 70 special drops and 100 runs through something to get the 1% drop of Uber which is a quest item in the chain to make the Ultra Widget needed to defeat the ****block boss in the Place of Serious which opens the way to the Dungeon of Awesome. And all your online friends are real people, and you're part of a real team doing this.

Which is so far from having fun killing stuff and logging out in the inn because you're still leveling up. It can sneak up on you...


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## beninneedofhelp

Id agree and no the cost of WOW its a big factor in my situation and sorry most but after you hit the top level in that game it does become center in your life and the spouse will resent you for it and its actually selfish think back when you could pause a game it didnt bother you but when you cant and you tell them 8 times a day hold on and get frustrated like your on the phone being nagged to no who it is you start to feel left out and that there lies the problem you are having , YES its selfish and i lived that too , and yes she played too and found after years it was easier to communicate with me through the game but that isnt what a relationship is about is it ?? Sorry my opinion my be unfair but i look at that game now and think wow it controlled me and i lost at least right now everything i love most in life and thats my family all cause i couldnt walk away and do this or that little thing the wife asked for ... When you put a game above the ones you love its more then just selfish its neglecting the things you should value most in life


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## Deejo

Most said:


> No actually I wasn't choosing gaming over everything else. I just wasn't CONSIDERING everything else. And gah I feel corny for even saying this, *knocks on wood* but damn my marriage seems better than ever at the moment. My wife's sex drive has resurfaced, my kids are running to me at the door now asking about what we're going to do today, I have a trip to Universal Studios planned on the 16th and *drumroll* I'm still gaming! But im enjoying my time with the family even more that my play time has dwindled considerably.


Awesome respec.


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## Tweak

Have not logged in in a while.
Thought I would link this out here as its very relevant to this issue.

YouTube - World of Warcraft Birth Control


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## Freak On a Leash

Atholk said:


> Sometimes though a resto shaman is just looking for a good tank. She meets a warrior and it's cool between them. Then the warrior specs fury and is all LOL DPS!!1!!!1! This is cool for a bit because she doesn't mind him having fun, but she's specced resto and now its much harder keeping the damn warrior up than it was before. Kinda annoying in fact.
> 
> Then she mets a prot pally and this guy just rocks, so easy to heal. They work so well together. The warrior still comes along as DPS, but one day the pally is like "I'm sick of sharing plate drops with the warrior, can't we just get a rogue or a mage or something?"
> 
> It's tense for a bit.... then...
> 
> /You have been removed from the group


You know, if you roll a Warlock or Hunter now you get a minion or Pet at Level 1 so you can solo, especially if you spec correctly. My Demo Warlock can solo most epic mobs without any problems. 

LOL! Yah, I love World of Warcraft. It was my husband who had issues with me playing it too much, even though he originally got me into the game, then decided it was boring for him and resented that I still liked it. For the first two years he played it (after it came out) and I would stand at the office door and beg him to come to bed with me and be ignored. I had my own hobbies and forums that I was into so usually it was ok. Then my kids started playing WoW and got me into it and for a year or so after the Burning Crusade came out my husband and I and my daughter belonged to the same guild and would get up early on weekends and go raid or stay up late at night. It was pretty fun while it lasted. 

Then he got bored with it and stopped but I still liked the game and found it fun to log on at night or on nasty or winter weekends and spend a day playing. When we started to "rebuild" our marriage a few years ago he asked me to tone WoW down so I stopped raiding and just played a few nights during the week when he would just be sitting downstair watching TV. I made sure to stop playing in time for us to go to bed with each other. 

Funny thing is, he still disliked this arrangement and I grew resentful that he'd feel it was OK to sit downstairs and stare at the TV and expect me to join him (I hate TV) but would never play WoW with me, or give me a night or two do so without a guilt trip. He kept insisting that I delete my characters and uninstall the game but the idea of cutting our cable off or selling our TV was just ridiculous to him. 

Then that issue moved on to other, more serious ones. His depression, his drinking and the time he spent watching TV turned into hours and then days of drinking and sitting on the porch to the point where we are now separated. The ironic thing is that now I could spend every night playing WoW if I wanted to but I have to work so much during the day to pay the bills and take care of the kids that I can't. Sad thing is that my son is now playing WoW and is all excited about the new expansion and wants me to play. Usually I'm so tired after work I don't have the energy to focus on game. Cataclysm just came out and I've logged on ONCE. Rather ironic actually...

Our story: Once upon a time he was a Protection Paladin and I was a Holy Paladin and we were great together, but nowadays it's just me doing the casting while all he does is draw aggro and off to the graveyard he goes.


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## SteppingStones

My H played EQ2 for years before we met. He quit when we started seriously dating then brought it up one day after we got married and was talking about RPGs (I was/am into play by post rpg because I am a writer at heart). I told him it was fine with me if he started playing again, if I could start my pbp again (which I had given up when we started seriously dating).

Fast forward a bit and I got into the EQ2 scene and gave up my pbp so that I could enjoy his game with him. Leveled up and started raiding with him in a guild and it was fun....for about 6 months, then I just felt like there was something we were comitted to EVERY night of the week (raid 3 nights a week, church, his son coming over, etc.) and we never had a night where NOTHING was planned for the evening and we could do whatever we wanted. 

So I told him I wanted to quit and he quit with me. 5 months later we are playing again, BUT we had a talk about it prior to resubbing. We play very little compared to what we used to - I'll log in when I'm home alone, and he will do the same, some. And we only raid once a week if that. 

The difference is now it's a game. MMOs are designed to take up your time. It takes for freaking ever to get all the shards, marks, w/e you need to buy/make gear. It takes for freaking ever to get all your points to fully specc your char. And it all requires gameplay. Before we had this committment to a guild as regular raiders and we were expected to be there on time and for the full raid time. Now, although we have to both fight the disappointment of not being main raiders and have to settle for back-up, spot pending, etc... we can pick up the game and put it down just as easily. We aren't comitted to a raid schedule, we aren't striving to be the elitists that (he) was used to being before. 

And we get to enjoy our lives, each other, and a game that we can play just like any other video or board game. We might not have the best of the best anymore, but we still have fun in game


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## AdrenalineJunkie

WoW is pretty much a bad word in our house now. I didn't mind it much at first because I work full time and was back in school so when I would be studying at night he would play. Then it began to be that I'd be studying the kids would be going crazy and it was "easier" for me to drop what I was doing (such as taking an online test) and handle everything than for him to let his gaming group down or have to stop before he got through a dungeon. Later it began cutting into every bit of our alone time. Even if I told him in advance we were having company etc...he would disappear into the bedroom to play. I was often left entertaining his own family. Yet if I wanted to go snowboarding or other activities I enjoy it was always a bother or a "dumb" interest. I did try to talk to my husband. I sat down with him many times and told him what I wanted or things I wanted to do. He always had an excuse or would get upset with me if I interrrupted his game. So for his 40th bday I planned a nice evening for us and took him out for a massage and to eat and thought I would romance him when we got home but instead he got right on the computer. This is when it really went south for me. I could walk around completely naked and he wouldn't have time for me.(not that I like to brag but I am NOT an unattractive woman, I work out and I'm naturally blonde and petite and very athletic, I have never had a problem attracting men Even after 2 kids). I think the final straw was after he lost his job and became a sahd. We were living (just fine) off of my income alone. However one day my then 4 yo daughter said to me when I was leaving for work "I don't want to stay home with daddy because all he does is play his game". I'm sorry but that's when it really put me in B#Tch mode. 
This just kept driving a wedge between us and I even told him we had grown apart and asked him to go to counseling which he refused. So I started doing more and more things on my own. Eventually I started going out once a week with co-workers for happy hour and drinks at a bar/grill. Over time I started to develop feelings for another man who was completely into me. This only caused more confusion on top of a lot of resentment built up. So before it went TOO far I came home one day and told my hubby how I felt and that I wasn't sure I wanted to be married anymore. I've never seen anyone drop a game so fast in my life. He totally deleted his account and we started counseling. However it's been a really hard time for me because of all the resentment and hurt I felt over the years. I found that after years of not feeling wanted or sexually desired that the roles reversed and I didn't really want to be with him that way. We have been dealing with issues for months and things are getting some better now but it's taken a lot of work. He used the game as a way of escaping real life issues he didn't want to deal with. the thing is he was like you and made up any excuse for the fact that what he was doing wasn't THAT bad. Could be worse and yes it could have been but that doesn't mean that it's not a problem. I didn't even ask him to give up the game totally just play in moderation but he made the decision on his own to stop all together.
He now says he missed out on so many things and wants to start living real life again and not a fantasy one. I guess it just depends on what is REALLY important. Like others have said, your real life family that are there for you, or the online family. Maybe your wife doesn't express how she feels enough but my husband thought the same thing. Now looking back he realizes I did but he brushed it off and made it like I was overracting.


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## coral25v

Atholk said:


> Sometimes though a resto shaman is just looking for a good tank. She meets a warrior and it's cool between them. Then the warrior specs fury and is all LOL DPS!!1!!!1! This is cool for a bit because she doesn't mind him having fun, but she's specced resto and now its much harder keeping the damn warrior up than it was before. Kinda annoying in fact.
> 
> Then she mets a prot pally and this guy just rocks, so easy to heal. They work so well together. The warrior still comes along as DPS, but one day the pally is like "I'm sick of sharing plate drops with the warrior, can't we just get a rogue or a mage or something?"
> 
> It's tense for a bit.... then...
> 
> /You have been removed from the group


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## coral25v

my husband started to play (wow) three years ago and right away i hated it he would come home from work and head right to the computer and spend four to five hours playing . the week ends were the worst sat and sunday were spent on the computer in 13 hours chunks with me being totaly ignored. this went on for months on end . one day after complaining at him about it (again) he went to do some neglected yard work i sat down and logged on to his account and created a toon just to try and understand what the draw was to this game . long story short IM RAIDING BLACKROCK DECENT IN 20 MINS  MORGANISS (human warlock)the forgotten coast


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## Atholk

Balance is always the struggle.


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## Atholk

coral25v said:


> my husband started to play (wow) three years ago and right away i hated it he would come home from work and head right to the computer and spend four to five hours playing . the week ends were the worst sat and sunday were spent on the computer in 13 hours chunks with me being totaly ignored. this went on for months on end . one day after complaining at him about it (again) he went to do some neglected yard work i sat down and logged on to his account and created a toon just to try and understand what the draw was to this game . long story short IM RAIDING BLACKROCK DECENT IN 20 MINS  MORGANISS (human warlock)the forgotten coast


Everyone comes to this board for a reason Coral. I'm sure it's not about Warcraft... what's really up?


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## coral25v

lol, i was just cruising through the post headers and this caught my eye. not realy ready to share . but, ty


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## Atholk

coral25v said:


> lol, i was just cruising through the post headers and this caught my eye. not realy ready to share . but, ty


Well if it helps....

Four server first kills in vanilla WoW in Blackwing Lair. Raided on mage, warrior, paladin, hunter....

But quit the game to write and help people in relationships. When you're ready, you're ready.


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## Deejo

Atholk said:


> Balance is always the struggle.


Thus the tenuous treaty between the Alliance and the Horde. Throw an evil dragon aspect in the mix and everything gets all effed up.

I absolutely understand the rift that can develop over online gaming. Seen it happen. On the flipside, gaming became part of my recovery after the marriage failed. Importantly, gaming was NOT a reason for it's failure in the first place.

It was both, as has been stated by Most, cheap, easy, and fun. And I got plenty of support over what was going on in my life from other real people. I just don't have the attention span to game for 6 to 8 hours at a pop.

I watched the documentary 'Second Skin' about MMO'ers. It highlighted both the upside that the medium presents for people, particularly people with physical handicaps, or those that are socially challenged, as well as the downside, including strained relationships and addiction.

Athol, don't think I would have pegged you for WoW. Always interesting learning about folks.


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## Freak On a Leash

Deejo said:


> Thus the tenuous treaty between the Alliance and the Horde. Throw an evil dragon aspect in the mix and everything gets all effed up.


Well, that and Garrosh Hellscream and Varian Wrynn, who weren't liking each other even before Deathwing came back. 

Talk about family conflicts!


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## Atholk

Deejo said:


> Athol, don't think I would have pegged you for WoW. Always interesting learning about folks.


Much reduced play hours now though. Cutting edge raiding in vanilla was utterly extreme compared to now. I was so high end we could see the stealth nerfs happening in the instances from one week to the next sometimes. Very interesting. We stopped raids sometimes for people to code mods.

My wife got a bad breast issue though, and I just stopped play for a long time.


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## Sparkles422

I don't play online but I play PS3 and I was completely obsessed with it to the point that when my (get this) STBXH would talk to me I never heard. I got annoyed when I was interrupted, I don't care about any damn pause button, I am in the middle of a huge battle and be quiet because I gotta heal up.

Guess what: This was a contributing factor in my soon to be divorce in 7 days. It was an escape. That's right ESCAPE.

I still love games but real life is real life and games are just that fun but fun in their own place. There is a reason why you are escaping like this. Examine it and yes sorry you have to communicate with your SO or what the heck was the point in having a relationship if you are unable to communicate?

Take this as a cautionary tale oh gamer. You may find yourself in the same place as me because I failed to communicate. Hey I lost that big battle and I can't heal up.


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## Most

Although I feel bad about your marriage Sparkles, I refuse to let this thread end with a big warning of doom to all gamers.

Contributing factor(your own words)....not the ONLY factor that your relationship is where it is now.

A lot of good information/opinions here from gamers/nongamers, I just hate that you got to it so late.

BTW...still enjoying time with the wife and kids, and STILL gaming online.


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## that_girl

*"Real people, no pause buttons and the attention you have to keep."*

Kinda like your family. 

I see you mentioned playing with the kids when you get home, etc...what about your wife?


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## Most

Well recently we're into cuddling on the couch after the kids are asleep watching that TV series "Lie to Me." 

Still gaming for the record, but it's dwindled down so much I can honestly just say it's recreation. I still play online, but I'm pretty much a dedicated solo'er. Keeps me ready to turn off the game at a moments notice. 

We also cook together now, alternate days bathing the kids and COMMUNICATE(capped because this is still a work in progress, she still confides more in her female best friends than me...due to *drumroll* all the time i spent neglecting her due to not having my priorities in order). Which that has been the hardest obstacle by far, regaining the trust and confidence that was lost due to putting a game before her/kids.


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## omega

Wow, I just read this whole thread, which started long before I joined TAM.

I was in a 3.5 yr relationship with a gamer (WoW). He started playing after we'd been together for a couple years. What ended the relationship was that I didn't feel sexually attracted/desire for him anymore. Watching him sitting at a computer playing a game (yes, I did try it, he made me a character or whatever they're called and I played but found it absolutely boring) not paying any attention to our relationship, I just couldn't bring myself to see him as a man. Also, our sex life died due to the time he put into the game and my inability to see him as a man anymore. 

I saw him as weak. Even now, years later, I'm married but we're still friends and talk once in a while - I still feel sorry for him and think of him as weak, never able to live in the real world. He never got into a relationship with anyone after me. He has two older brothers who are both bachelors (in their mid-40s) who played WoW whenever they were not at work - well, both are now unemployed and they BOTH live ... guess where? their mom's basement! Okay, not exactly, their parents have a 3-story townhouse and they live on the 1st floor of that. But they lost their jobs and spend ALL DAY on WoW. Their mom cooks for them, does their laundry, etc. My ex, who is their younger brother, is 38 and is headed the same way. He works, thank goodness, and lives on his own, but asked me recently to pick up some furniture we had acquired together as he is thinking about moving back to his parents' house(!).

I know their mom can't believe it - she and their dad worked hard their whole lives. They had three sons, brought them up, and now two of them are unemployed bachelor gamers in their 40s, and the other is a bachelor gamer almost in his 40s. Not that anyone would want to have a relationship or get married or have children or live independently to make their mom happy, but still.. it's a little sad what happened to that family.

When I met my H, I remember asking him if he played games. I also remember holding my breath while he answered (I fell in love with him extremely quickly so I was emotionally invested by the time I asked). The feeling of relief and the sheer "high" that I got when he said "oh God no, what a monumental waste of time" - impossible to describe.

If I had a friend - male or female - who was getting involved with a gamer, I would feel obligated to warn him or her off. Not that it would be my business, but I don't think I could stop myself. I know that some people can do it in a balanced way, but with so many single people out there to pick from, why take the risk and gamble on a gamer who could easily end up with an addiction (or even be hiding one s/he already has)?


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## Most

To Omega...

Have to say I love that response. Especially in the beginning were you said you did TRY it. I respect your view and gripes about it a lot more than the majority of those that knock online gaming.

In retrospect I wish I could have woken up a lot sooner than I did and am thankful she stuck with me for so long. 

I will continue to stress that online gaming isn't some immature, silly, and irresponsible activity that only obese teens living in their parents basement are socially allowed to do...BUT I will say it is a hobby, and we that like to game should never make it a priority. That goes for whether you're single or in a relationship.


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## chunt

Most said:


> Ugh, reading some of these online gaming threads almost makes me sick. It's one of the main reasons why I joined this 'marriage' forum. It must just be a 'women's' forum though judging from the responses and excuses i'm seeing.
> 
> I came here because yes my marriage is on the ropes at the moment and I think it has everything to do with gaming, online gaming to be precise. I was looking for advice on the effects of gaming and marriages on other people's relationships and all i've found and not just on this site is how selfish most women are.
> 
> I am the father of 3 healthy kids that don't have to worry about where their next meal is coming from, or not being able to play outside in the winter because we can't afford coates, and they never go to bed hungry. You can have all the lights on in my house year round, talk on the phone long distance all day long and never worry about these things being turned off because I can't pay the bills. I am the only one that works and I enjoy my job. I'm such a casual drinker, that even saying I drink is questionable. I've never put my hand on my wife in anger, harmed my kids in any physical way, I don't go out partying and I haven't given her any reason to question my faithfullness.
> 
> My wife works at home, and by that I mean she cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. I am not belittling that at all, I know how hard it is watching over young children(mine are ages 4,3,2) and how stressful they can be at times. My apologies for the long summary, but that is my situation.
> 
> Now on to online gaming. I game quite a bit, it kills time, is cheap, easy and fun. I don't mind doing things with my wife or the family, all I ask is for a heads up. Suprises in general aren't a thing I like in general, and dislike even more as a gamer. What you women, who refuse to even try something by just looking at, need to realize about online gaming is that it's not something with a pause button, your playing with another Real person or people that have their own real life issues/time constraints going on and don't have time to adjust to everyone elses distractions. Especially if they're in groups or raids(bigger groups w/even more people that requires everyone to pay more attention).
> 
> So after work, I'll play with the kids for a bit, grab a drink and sit down to play. I'll play till dinner, then after dinner until it's time for me to bathe the kids and then i'll play until it's time to go to sleep. That's on the weekday and not taking into account other stuff that I may have to do(take oldest to swim class, take sons to get a haircut...etc) and play even more on the weekends. You women 'expect' men to read into your minds...please...it's not happening, if you want to do something then say something and more than just 'You don't spend enough time with me and the kids!' What is that supposed to mean, if your expecting us to guess and magically get it right, then wake up from your dream/movie world that doesn't exist. You want to go out this weekend, no problem, you want to take the kids out to the park sometime this week then ok...just give us a heads up. You want to drop last minute stuff on me, dinner w/friends that night, in-laws visiting tomorrow, fine, then expect us to have a little attitude. As a gamer that's one of the most frustrating things for me, hell even if I wasn't a gamer.
> 
> Communication, communication...you hear it so much from women that you would think it's in the bible. Well communicate dammit, when we evolve as a species that can understand others without talking then let me know. Until then, we have no clue and would really appreciate it if you would say something. Ok, you don't want us to play the game so much...np, what are we doing in the none gaming time. Would you be happy if i was sitting on the couch watching the 'games' until you want to do something or talk? I suppose some people just aren't meant to be married, since having fun alone has somehow become a big no no.
> 
> Other than just knocking your husband's game, have you even bothered to try it? I mean you want us to stop doing something that is relaxing and fun for us, just because of what you see as childish and a waste of time. I don't know about you but riding a bike is fun, playing basketball is fun, reading fiction is fun...and what do you get to show for those things? Not a damn thing, just like playing a game, but you don't look at those activities as nonconstructive wastes of time do you?
> 
> You want your relationship to work, then talk about what it is you want and I don't mean just the broadstroke comments like 'more time with me and the kids' to something we can put a check in the box in, like 'no gaming until the kids are asleep' 'no gaming every other weekend'. Something that we can mentally see and be able to do something about, just remember the indepedent thing works both ways, know you can't 'make' a man do anything he doesn't want to do, but if he wants to keep his family, he will make adjustments, it will also help that you note those adjustments that he does make which can push him to change even more. That is better advice over, 'If he's not giving you what you need, leave now and never turn back' without the husband knowing specifically what the hell you need in the first place.
> 
> Me personally, I am a stable person and if you want to leave then cya later, i'll still take care of my responsibility as a father, but i'll be damned if the change you want is me sitting around waiting on you telling me what I should be doing. I already work one job and I refuse to do the same when Im at home. Relationships take work for them to work, but when it becomes an every day thing, it's time for both parties to look on. And right now Im looking at the possibility of being a permanent bachelor, because if this one doesn't work out, i'll never get married again. I just may be one of those people that aren't meant to be with anyone.
> 
> Take it from a man speaking his mind and not trying to appease the pissed off women that should be mad at themselves for having an 'addicted gamer'.
> 
> P.S. If im told in advance about a gathering, get together or trip to the in-laws, I always go. I never have put gaming ahead of my kids school or daycare events and if my wife ever wanted to do something im there. Im stern with my kids and I don't consider myself their friends, yet they are never in trouble unless they don't do what they're told. I don't like kids to be honest, except my own of course and can't wait until they are older. A kids imagination keeps them from becoming bored, so the whole your kids need you more in their life is lost on me...a son of a single parent mother who had to make toymen out of paper because we were so broke. I want my kids to be strong willed, emotionally/physically strong and dependant on themselves, they learn more from just my actions than by me talking to them. Just by me being here is more than what many other people do or did not have growing up.
> 
> Whatever you choose when going over the pros/cons, staying or leaving him; make sure a video game isn't the highest thing on the list.



Ok. As a woman whose husband is on these alot, and has tried to play with him. And has tried to communicate why I dislike them. I think you are missing the point.

I can see how your wife would be upset, you have children, you took part in creating those children, you owe it to them to spend time with them. You owe it to your wife to spend time with her, after all you did get married. 

It shouldn't always be up to her to make plans for the family, take a step back and look at yourself and how you react when she "surprises you" with family activities. Then evaluate how you think a grown man should react. In real life isn't too bad, your gaming time seems a bit excessive considering that you have an in real life wife and family


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Most said:


> To Omega...
> 
> Have to say I love that response. Especially in the beginning were you said you did TRY it. I respect your view and gripes about it a lot more than the majority of those that knock online gaming.
> 
> In retrospect I wish I could have woken up a lot sooner than I did and am thankful she stuck with me for so long.
> 
> I will continue to stress that online gaming isn't some immature, silly, and irresponsible activity that only obese teens living in their parents basement are socially allowed to do...BUT I will say it is a hobby, and we that like to game should never make it a priority. That goes for whether you're single or in a relationship.


It's not a "Hobby" when you play it three hours everyday after work ;~) I don't know anyone with a hobby they devote several hours everyday who has a family or isn't retired.


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## Most

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> It's not a "Hobby" when you play it three hours everyday after work ;~) I don't know anyone with a hobby they devote several hours everyday who has a family or isn't retired.


Please read the part after "hobby"....

Looking back, I think this thread helps those spouses going through this with their SO, at least you can see their point of view on how they see things at the moment.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Most said:


> Please read the part after "hobby"....
> 
> Looking back, I think this thread helps those spouses going through this with their SO, at least you can see their point of view on how they see things at the moment.



I did, a hobby is not something most people do everyday, it's something you do after all your other responsibilities are looked after. I don't know anyone who does traditional hobby type activities more than a couple of hours a week and generally on weekends.

To me someone playing a multiplyer video game everyday after work is no different than some Husband or Wife who takes off after dinner everyday and does not come home until late in the evening. You may be physically in the home, but for all intents and purposes unavailable to your husband/wife and kids.


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## Hamster2

Just my 2 cents here....

Speaking for my own situation, online gaming has killed my marriage, my family and my dreams. The addict was ME, for almost 4 years.

So, yeah, being the biggest, meanest, badest junkyard dog in whatever game you play, will earn you respect and awe from other players, but.... What's happening at home with the family and the wife????? Wife gets bored being ignored and parked in a corner of the house. You suddenly come out of your trance and discover that your wife has been cheating for 1.5 year and you never saw anything.

So, ALL OF YOU ADDICTED GAMERS on this site.... WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU HAVE, BECAUSE IT MAY NOT BE THERE WHEN YOU WAKE UP. Sorry for the all caps, that was on purpose.

My WW is moving this week-end... A broken home, a broken family and a broken heart.... Was the F***N games worth all of this?? Nope!!! I am and will be paying dearly for my stupid game addiction!!! Yes, I am still upset for what she did, almost hate her, for what she choose to do, but deep inside, I think there is still a small part of me who wishes that the woman I married would be back. I think I may still love her a bit, but right now I need my space too, to heal and recover from the suffering I am still going through, and put my life in order. Don't know what the future holds, except that my 4 y.o. daughter will be the main focus of my new life.

I hope that all sleeping game addict who reads this will come out of their trance and realize what could happen to them and their families....

I'm writing this and I have tears running down my cheeks...


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## Maricha75

Hamster2 said:


> Just my 2 cents here....
> 
> Speaking for my own situation, online gaming has killed my marriage, my family and my dreams. The addict was ME, for almost 4 years.
> 
> So, yeah, being the biggest, meanest, badest junkyard dog in whatever game you play, will earn you respect and awe from other players, but.... What's happening at home with the family and the wife????? Wife gets bored being ignored and parked in a corner of the house. You suddenly come out of your trance and discover that your wife has been cheating for 1.5 year and you never saw anything.
> 
> So, ALL OF YOU ADDICTED GAMERS on this site.... WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU HAVE, BECAUSE IT MAY NOT BE THERE WHEN YOU WAKE UP. Sorry for the all caps, that was on purpose.
> 
> My WW is moving this week-end... A broken home, a broken family and a broken heart.... Was the F***N games worth all of this?? Nope!!! I am and will be paying dearly for my stupid game addiction!!! Yes, I am still upset for what she did, almost hate her, for what she choose to do, but deep inside, I think there is still a small part of me who wishes that the woman I married would be back. I think I may still love her a bit, but right now I need my space too, to heal and recover from the suffering I am still going through, and put my life in order. Don't know what the future holds, except that my 4 y.o. daughter will be the main focus of my new life.
> 
> I hope that all sleeping game addict who reads this will come out of their trance and realize what could happen to them and their families....
> 
> I'm writing this and I have tears running down my cheeks...


You may not have that 2nd chance with your wife, but you have it with your daughter. Do right by her. Now that you know what the gaming has done to you, apply that to your next relationship. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It damn near happened to me as well.


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## Hamster2

As I said, I don't know what the future holds, in 6 months or a year from now. After what she has done, sleeping around with X number of guys, all the lies she told me, I don't think that I would be willing to take her back either. I am seeing my MD next week and will ask to get tested for AIDS and all the other venereal diseases that exist. Can't take any chances, and I should have requested that as soon as I discovered that something was going on, but I was in shock.

On top of it, she is trying to justify her decision and unload the guilt onto me with this link she sent me today. WTH!!!! I think she wants to go from being a married woman to a swinger.

Cheating in Relationships




Maricha75 said:


> You may not have that 2nd chance with your wife, but you have it with your daughter. Do right by her. Now that you know what the gaming has done to you, apply that to your next relationship. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It damn near happened to me as well.


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## ohlife

OP, not all women are like the ones you've experienced. I've played so many games with my husband I couldn't remember them all (including everquest hi5). I do this because I know he likes it, I don't want him to have to ask me to join him, I just want him to be happy. Despite me asking directly, he doesn't do anything that I'd like to do together, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Your wife doesn't want to have to nag and drag you out the door- that won't bring her any joy or feeling that she is actually loved. She wants to feel like you've thought about her in your own time. That's what make ladies happy. Not being the best at killing stuff so much. 

Also it always puzzles me how anyone can truly get a feeling of accomplishment out of an mmorpg- they don't usually require any skill, just 999999999 hours until you're at the top. *You're trading the precious developmental years of your kid's life for the epic weapon 2.0 quest that 5 billion people have done before.* What's worse is you're up against people like my husband that sometimes use outside programs to run heaps of bots to get to the top quicker. If you're not even enjoying spending the time in virtual reality.. what's the point again? It's fine if it's makes you happy, but try to remember that she's a whole person too, with hopes and dreams that involve enjoying the real world. She doesn't have some game that can give her that same sense of joy without any effort.


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