# Divorce Make You Stronger?



## braveheart2009

Hi,

I feel after my divorce I have become more open minded and stronger. I realize that the world is not a place of nice people, but a mixture and you need to weed out the bad ones to get to the good ones. 

Do you feel that divorce has prepared you for the unexpected not just relationships, but risks in life as a whole? 

Also, do you feel that 2 former divorcees can have a stronger marriage that someone not been in a divorce situation before? I would assume the couple who had a previous failed marriage would fight tooth and nail to have a successful marriage the 2nd time.


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## totamm

braveheart2009 said:


> Do you feel that divorce has prepared you for the unexpected not just relationships, but risks in life as a whole?


Good question. I'm 6 years out of a very complicated, messy, expensive and stressful divorce. I'm tougher, and more on guard, and generally I think to myself that since I got through that I could get through anything, other times I feel like I'm suffering from PTSD and I'm on edge and just waiting for the next disaster to strike and hoping that I'll have the resources to get through that one as well.



braveheart2009 said:


> Also, do you feel that 2 former divorcees can have a stronger marriage that someone not been in a divorce situation before? I would assume the couple who had a previous failed marriage would fight tooth and nail to have a successful marriage the 2nd time.


I feel that 2 former divorcees should have realized that marriage is a mistake, at least the first time through. Given the much higher failure rate of subsequent marriages, I feel that people who marry again expecting things to be better the second time around are being.. foolish. I could have used a stronger word than foolish but I think you get my point.


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## happysnappy

Absolutely stronger. Do I think a double second marriage has a better chance? Depends on the couple, how well they healed and how much they have learned and grown on their own since


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## angelpixie

Echo what happysnappy said. Success of a marriage of two divorced people is quite dependent on what they learned from the failures of their respective first marriages. And on their attitude toward commitment in general -- they may come out of a divorce feeling like divorce wasn't such a bad experience and the next time they won't wait around so long when things start to look bad.


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## Holland

Divorce has been an amazing experience for me and far more positive than negative. I feel stronger and more sure of who I am and what I want for the rest of my life.

As a divorcee I would not have repartnered with a man that had not been through the same experience. I would also not have repartnered with a man without children.
I know that SO and I have both grown through our divorces and that we have the strength to create a wonderful life together.

I will not remarry until my children and his are out of high school and well on their way to adulthood. Too many people simply rush into marriage and don't learn about the implications of blending families. 

So yes i am stronger and happier than I have ever been. Life after divorce is fantastic for me. In part this is due to the fact that ex and I did not have issues such as infidelity, abuse, mental health or abuse to deal with. We have remained friends and support each other with our co parenting and with life in general. My partner fully supports my relationship with my ex which helps. I could not be with a man that did not respect the relationship I have with the ex.
In turn i understand and support the relationship he has with his ex.

We both understand that our children's needs come first. We never interfere with the time the other has with our own children and we put a huge amount of thought and planning into introducing all the kids. We both had counselling to help us plan this and we are on the same page with pretty much everything in regard to each others children, our relationship and the boundaries we have around our ex's.

SO and I have both taken responsibility for the parts we played in our divorces and we have both grown through the experience. This gives us a great, level playing field when it comes to our relationship, which is healthy, equal and a really safe and loving place for both of us.


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## zillard

Stronger? h3ll yes! More wise, aware, humble, confident, happy and motivated too. 

If another divorcee like me finds me... yes - better chances.


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## Jellybeans

Divorce has made me...different. My views have changed a lot about marriage, divorce and relationships as a whole.



raveheart2009 said:


> Do you feel that divorce has prepared you for the unexpected not just relationships, but risks in life as a whole?


Yes and no. Yes because I no longer thing that every marriage is forever. No because there are still a lot more things I have to learn and experience in life and I wouldn't attribute my divorce to preparing me for everything... so much still out there.



raveheart2009 said:


> Also, do you feel that 2 former divorcees can have a stronger marriage that someone not been in a divorce situation before? I would assume the couple who had a previous failed marriage would fight tooth and nail to have a successful marriage the 2nd time.


I wouldn't say that 2 former divorcees would have a "stronger" marriage than a never-before divorced couple (or vice versa). It's not about being divorced or never divorced. It's about the individual couple and their committment to the marriage.


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## Jellybeans

Holland said:


> As a divorcee I would not have repartnered with a man that had not been through the same experience.


I have a friend like this. He is divorced. He refuses to date any woman who has never been divorced.


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## unbelievable

Not getting one would have made me poor, crazy, and maybe a murderer.


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## Dollystanford

Stronger, happier, more relaxed, more joyful - hell I should have done it years ago


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## angelpixie

I am well on my way to feeling like Dolly, too. It's been the most painful thing I've been through, but the most necessary to let me have a better life. I don't know if I'd have grown or dealt with things from my past to this degree if I hadn't gone through this. Doing it while still married wouldn't have been the same, because I partly needed to do it away from my Ex. I was partly with him because of my issues, so being away from him is part of my healing.


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## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> It's been the most painful thing I've been through


Me, too.


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## Freak On a Leash

What marriage/divorce has done to me is make more determined than ever to stay single. Fool me once..shame on you, fool me twice...

Not happening. :nono:

That said, I think that IF I were to remarry or even get into a seriously committed relationship I think I'd be LESS tolerant and LESS likely to put up with any crap. As soon as I started even catching a whiff of any of the crap that I had to put up with the first time I'd be done and outta there. 

I can already see that as I've embarked on dating. I'm a lot less tolerant and less likely to put up with crap and I'll just bow out and make myself scarce if it's not working for me. 

So yes, I'm a lot stronger for sure. But I'm a lot b!tchier too.


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## DavidWYoung

poorer, crazyer, smack upside the head ( almost )( OK, Not almost, somewhat, no THOUGHT HARD about it, yes! ) STRONG dislike of American woman. ( Just farm girls from Ohio with first name starters with S.........ends with hirley.) OK, what was the question?


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## SingleInTx

Freak On a Leash said:


> What marriage/divorce has done to me is make more determined than ever to stay single. Fool me once..shame on you, fool me twice...
> 
> Not happening. :nono:
> 
> That said, I think that IF I were to remarry or even get into a seriously committed relationship I think I'd be LESS tolerant and LESS likely to put up with any crap. As soon as I started even catching a whiff of any of the crap that I had to put up with the first time I'd be done and outta there.
> 
> I can already see that as I've embarked on dating. I'm a lot less tolerant and less likely to put up with crap and I'll just bow out and make myself scarce if it's not working for me.
> 
> So yes, I'm a lot stronger for sure. But I'm a lot b!tchier too.


LMAO! I love this because I was going to post something so along these lines- I am much more likely to speak my mind and stand my ground when it comes to dating, even on things I may have compromised on in the past. 

I know what I WON'T deal with now for sure- and I will cut that sh!t off from the first red flag.

I also enjoy dating and companionship but keep my life with my children very closely guarded and no one is invited in. 

I'm also much, much more...broke after divorce! Ha. Finances have been the hardest part for me but I feel liberated and free albeit I'm tied to my kids more having full custody. Freedom comes from not being tied to ex. 

All in all I could NOT have stayed married to that man and may never remarry again, and I would be 100% fine with that.


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## zillard

If you judge all your potential new mates based on your previous spouse, you are only doing yourself a disservice. IMO.

She fooled me once. The next one has nothing to do with her.


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## Pbartender

angelpixie said:


> It's been the most painful thing I've been through...


I'm not certain it's been the most painful thing I've been through...

I think that having to convince my mother to disconnect my father from life support after he had an aneurysm and hemorrhage in his brain, when she was far too distraught and too lost in shock to make the decision on her own, was far more painful.

...but it has been one of the most difficult, most trying things I've ever been through. It's been completely exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically.

That said, I will be coming out of it far better than I went in.


Pb.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. This is almost an unfair question for me. I married at 20 and was really too immature and inexperienced to select a mate. And I rushed into it and was married within 6 months.

I know the stats on second marriages but I really think I have a better chance next go 'round. I know what a real relationship takes, I have a realistic expectation, I'm willing to have those uncomfortable discussions and much more mature. I really hope it happens. I can't imagine never marrying and being single from 35 on for the rest of my life.

I really miss intimacy on all of the levels but have worked hard to not be needy/desperate. My marriage absolutely made me stronger... or maybe I should say I was strong all along and it made me recognize my inner strength.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> It's been the most painful thing I've been through.


The Divorce wasn't the most painful thing to have gone though..The MARRIAGE was. 

BTW, Second marriages have a 75% chance of failing, usually because of problems with prior families, like ex spouses, kids, etc. So statistically the odds are against a second marriage suceeding even more so than a first.


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## angelpixie

Freak On a Leash said:


> The Divorce wasn't the most painful thing to have gone though..The MARRIAGE was.


Excellent point. I'm going to rethink my original statement. I think the process of the death of the marriage -- from the time the deterioration started til the time I came to peace with it -- was the most painful. By the time the actual legal divorce happened (just 2 weeks ago), the pain had very largely subsided.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> I think the process of the death of the marriage -- from the time the deterioration started til the time I came to peace with it -- was the most painful. By the time the actual legal divorce happened (just 2 weeks ago), the pain had very largely subsided.


:iagree: That's how it was with me. From about six months before we separated and a good portion of our 2 year separation it was sheer misery and pain. By the time I filed to now, on the verge of divorce (final hearing is 4/1) there's no pain. Just relief and well, I'm pretty damn happy. 

Most of my marriage sucked anyway, so that has a lot to do with it. 2-3 good years out of a 24 year marriage is really bad.


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## unbelievable

If divorce was your most painful experience, you should have stayed married. For me, it was like being liberated from the bowels of everlasting torment where a thousand demons were playing baseball with my testicles using a bat encrusted with rusty nails and glass shards.


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## zillard

unbelievable said:


> If divorce was your most painful experience, you should have stayed married.


I completely agree. She did not. 

So it goes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My first marriage made me more aware what to look for in a man. It helped me greatly into recognizing any red flags with any future men I would date. Even though I was young, I was more aware of a guy's poor behavior then my friends were. Once I divorced I raised my standards and I wrote a list of qualities that were most important to me. It definitely worked out in my favor and I married a wonderful man the second time around. I got much more then I ever hoped for.

If anything were to happen with my husband, I'm not going to ever marry again. Nothing would ever compare to how wonderful my husband is. I'd rather live alone then with someone else.


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## inarut

Freak On a Leash said:


> What marriage/divorce has done to me is make more determined than ever to stay single. Fool me once..shame on you, fool me twice...
> 
> Not happening. :nono:
> 
> That said, I think that IF I were to remarry or even get into a seriously committed relationship *I think I'd be LESS tolerant and LESS likely to put up with any crap. As soon as I started even catching a whiff of any of the crap that I had to put up with the first time I'd be done and outta there.
> 
> I can already see that as I've embarked on dating. I'm a lot less tolerant and less likely to put up with crap and I'll just bow out and make myself scarce if it's not working for me. *
> So yes, I'm a lot stronger for sure. But I'm a lot b!tchier too.


This is good. You've learned what you want and what you wont put up with. It helps you weed out the guys who are not for you because you spot those red flags from a mile away.


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## inarut

Freak On a Leash said:


> The Divorce wasn't the most painful thing to have gone though..The MARRIAGE was.
> 
> :iagree:
> Same here!


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## Freak On a Leash

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If anything were to happen with my husband, I'm not going to ever marry again. Nothing would ever compare to how wonderful my husband is.


WAIT A MINUTE! :wtf: What are you doing there? We can't have any happily married folks hanging out in this forum! Go back to to the married folks forum! 

J/K. :rofl: :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash

inarut said:


> This is good. You've learned what you want and what you wont put up with. It helps you weed out the guys who are not for you because you spot those red flags from a mile away.


Well..first I gotta MEET some guys to attach those red flags to. :rofl:

Actually I found one and he was yanking my chain so I cut him loose.


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