# What sex?



## Jk23 (Sep 27, 2020)

Sex in marriage. Hmmm. I feel like I’m living in some sort of joke. You always hear about how men are always horny, always thinking about sex. I managed to marry a guy who seemingly could give it up entirely without issue.

Looking back, I recognize that I was usually the instigator. I have always been a very sexual person. Meaning I have had many partners, have always loved having sex, am easily aroused and do not experience any shame or issues around sexuality.

My husband did NOT want to have sex with me when I was pregnant (it still upsets me to think about it) and that was the first time I felt starved for sex and attention and intimacy in this relationship.

Though my body was never the same after carrying two children, I have a good body. I know my breasts are really great, I have long and toned legs, everything is pretty good but I do have a soft middle area. I think it’s pretty normal for a woman my age. I’m an attractive woman, above average. I don’t think it had to do with my looks, though it is difficult not to internalize the rejection.

I think after I gave birth I didn’t feel very sexy, and since I was the one who was the aggressor, if I didn’t make a move, nothing happened. And we just fell into that pattern...of nothing much happening...for years now. So sad.

He has low testosterone, but doesn’t want to do anything to change it. I don’t even think he looks at porn. He’s almost asexual.

The last time we were intimate I wasn’t really into it. Feels like the spark is just gone. That was about three months ago.

What am I supposed to do? I’m only 45 and I remember the days of SEX. God I wish I could have that feeling of passion and excitement again.

He is almost 50. I think he’s depressed. We have two children. Life seems to overwhelm him. Having sex with me is just another thing on his to do list and he’d rather just not be bothered.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Jk23 said:


> He has low testosterone, but doesn’t want to do anything to change it. I don’t even think he looks at porn. He’s almost asexual.


Ask him if it’s his plan to die early? More and more studies are proving low T in men is very bad for cardio health. Low T can absolutely also leave men in a brain fog and sap all motivation to do much of anything. Ask me how I know.

In my case, TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) has not resulted in me wanting to hump everything that moves but I do feel my libido would be worse without it. Bringing back a clarity to thinking and a motivation to ‘do hard things’ along with the proven other health benefits is why he should NOT ignore TRT. For some men, especially at first, it does result in horn dog situations. He should do this regardless.

Lastly, most standard-of-care docs are just fine with middle age men having the T levels of a 90 yr old. They are simply uninformed. Docs are humans and can’t keep up with everything. Send him (virtually) to a specialty clinic like Defy Medical. For some men like me, I don’t even need to give myself injections. T cream daily applied to the right spots does the trick. Super simple.

Hope this helps!


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

You're not alone. My husband has energy but directs it all toward religion and our ministry. Doesn't want "recreational" sex.

I also had a lot of partners before my husband and it's very hard to accept that your best sexual days were prior to your spouse and that random guys wanted you sexually more than your husband ever wanted you. Oh well. I guess that's life and good to know that we're not alone with this.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@Jk23,

How did he come to find out he has low testosterone?

The pattern has been set for years, and you are aware of that now. Have you had discussions over those years, or since things have become clearer, about your dissatisfaction?

And yeah, you’re definitely not alone.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Same boat here! We are only bf/gf...not married but it is headed that way. He is absolutely wonderful in so many ways but this is a real hang up for me! It is bound to get worse in marriage I would think. If feels sexless and I'm not sure I can deal with that long term! I will admit....my idea of sexless is less than once a week. Preference is daily. Minimum every three days.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

I feel very sorry for those on this thread that are in a sexless relationship. I am 65 my wife is 55. I am in more demand than her. But I do not complain at every three days. I have spoken to her about more but after this I will stay quiet.


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## Jk23 (Sep 27, 2020)

raising5boyz said:


> Same boat here! We are only bf/gf...not married but it is headed that way. He is absolutely wonderful in so many ways but this is a real hang up for me! It is bound to get worse in marriage I would think. If feels sexless and I'm not sure I can deal with that long term! I will admit....my idea of sexless is less than once a week. Preference is daily. Minimum every three days.


I strongly encourage you to reconsider. It’s so hard physically and emotionally to be rejected and to not be desired. The other things don’t make up for it. Might as well have a roommate.


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## Jk23 (Sep 27, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> Ask him if it’s his plan to die early? More and more studies are proving low T in men is very bad for cardio health. Low T can absolutely also leave men in a brain fog and sap all motivation to do much of anything. Ask me how I know.
> 
> In my case, TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) has not resulted in me wanting to hump everything that moves but I do feel my libido would be worse without it. Bringing back a clarity to thinking and a motivation to ‘do hard things’ along with the proven other health benefits is why he should NOT ignore TRT. For some men, especially at first, it does result in horn dog situations. He should do this regardless.
> 
> ...


I appreciate this response. I’m glad you found something to help you and I’ll look into this for him.


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## Jk23 (Sep 27, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> @Jk23,
> 
> How did he come to find out he has low testosterone?
> 
> ...


His doctor tested his testosterone level. And you’re correct - the pattern is now years old. We have had discussions and it’s sort of hopeless feeling, because I do believe he is depressed. His wife telling him she wants sex and is dissatisfied doesn’t work and if anything further pushes him away. It’s a tough situation.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Jk23 said:


> What am I supposed to do?


You've got three choices that will afford you more sex.

a) Divorce him and start having sex with other men.

b) Have sex with other men, with his knowledge.

c) Have sex with other men, behind his back.

I recommend option A as being generally the better option. That said if option B or C will work better for you, do one or all of those with the knowledge that option A may result as a consequence of B or C anyway.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The sex starved wife was a long thread about this topic.

If he's not willing to address the issue, the solutions @Personal recommended and d) give up on sex are your only options, I think.


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