# Falling Apart



## autumnalhedge (Jan 26, 2011)

I've been with my husband for the last five years. When we met he was like a breath of fresh air - someone who listened to me and really cared. We've had our ups and downs like any couple and in 2009 he proposed and we got married. We are now a year and a half into the marriage and having some problems. He gets very upset about everything and blames me, and is really cold and nasty toward me about it - until I lose my temper and tell him what's really going on and eventually he'll come around. Last week I was called away to another country for a funeral for a family member - but he was acting weird. I decided to snoop (which is never a good idea) and found a letter he was intending to give me which says he doesn't love me, never has and wants to go our separate ways now. I'm heart broken. I know things have been challenging, but I can't believe he's lied about his feelings for five years. He says he was with me because he felt bad for me, I had a rough life before him and he wanted to fix it. I'm so dumbstruck and hurting. How can he do this to me?? I've tried to be a good wife in every way I can and yet he still says he doesn't love me. I've asked him to go to marriage counseling with me but he always changes the subject. I'm so scared to lose him - but is there any chance at all of fixing our marriage when he says he feels like this??

Things are further complicated by the fact that I moved abroad for him and have 10 months left on my spouse visa before I can apply to stay forever. Why on earth did he do this to me NOW?? I can't face the thought of moving back to my home country on top of everything else. I feel like he's stabbed me in the chest and doesn't care how it's effecting me at all. I'm so lost...


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Is it possible that there's another woman? Emotional or physical affairs can cloud his judgment. He'll suddenly be looking for reasons that justify his infidelity to ease his guilty conscience.

If not, I think that since he's had trouble telling you this and even had to put it in a letter to communicate it to you, that these are his real feelings. Shouting something hurtful in the midst of a fight is one thing and often not real feelings, but a letter like this I would think reflects true feelings.

Regarding the spouse Visa, if he loved you enough to marry you then he should do the decent thing and love you enough to stay married to you for another 10 months. That's not really a long time (unless there's another woman waiting in the wings).


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## springgirl (Dec 9, 2010)

you need to find your anger woman. ask him if he has been having pity sex with you for the last five years too! lose the victim mentally. shake it off. find a good friend to have a laugh with. read him the riot act. good luck and sorry you are going through this.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

autumnulhedge,

Slow down.. I know what he said in the letter was very hurtful and upsetting but he didnt give it too you. Maybe he was just upset and wrote the letter to get things off his chest. And maybe he never intended to give it to you. Some people like to vent by writing a letter to the person they're mad at. 

You need to confront him about it.


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## shack (Jan 26, 2011)

ask him if he loves you truely and if he is ready to start fresh with you and that you will both be closer and both give 100 percent,if all is lost leave him you cant live unhappy,also consider his feelings he prob thinks u dont care about him maybe am no proffessional lol : )


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I have three thoughts on your situation;

1 - you have somehow changed after the marriage and he's unhappy w/ the change,
2 - he is going through some life-change of his own and is thinking outside the box, being infulenced by strange emotions, social input from the world around him (e.g. TV), of a group of friends,
3 - he found someone else he'd rather be with and doesn't want to tell you the truth.

I could be wrong about any or all of these, but I'd bet that there is a grain of truth there somewhere.

You didn't say how old you/your husband are - or anything about what else is going on in your life, so it's kinda hard to see the picture here, and kinda hard to say anything that might be helpful.


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## autumnalhedge (Jan 26, 2011)

We talked about everything today - and it's such a mess. He's been dishonest about his feelings for years and says he's been staying with me for the wrong reasons. He's not very interested in trying to save the marriage, though I believe him when he says there's no one else. He said he can't emotionally handle being around me for the next 10 months to sort out my ability to stay. He is SO overwhelmed by everything that he can't deal with anything anymore. There was anger, but right now I'm so absolutely terrified of losing him forever (and that we'll both regret it later), that I feel like I'm losing my mind. He is definitely going through some changes, and I think that is really strongly affecting him. However, he is not normally very in touch with his feelings and I think he's not realising how much is at play here - instead he's blaming it on having no love for me, and being scared to be trapped in this bad cycle for years. I have been through a LOT myself, and he says he can't handle it - he was constantly trying to fix my problems, regardless of me telling him that I need to do that for myself. He also says he thought I would change after having his support for years - and though I have come a LONG way in the last 5 years, he says it's not good enough for him and he's not strong enough to support me anymore. I'm in so much pain right now I have no idea what to do. However, he did agree not to make any decisions for a month. I can only hope we both find the strength to do whatever is right for us in that time.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

autumn, as painful as that was, it's good that you had a conversation. Do you have a good friend that you can meet for lunch and talk about this with them face to face? These online forums are good, but for me at least, it's not the same as getting support from a close friend.


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## autumnalhedge (Jan 26, 2011)

Talking is continuing both with my husband and with friend and family (as well as my cousin who is training to be a psychologist and my mother's pastor). I just feel like it's not getting through. He tells me he's hearing me and thinking about what I have to say and things, but then he says things like 'I can't do this', 'there's too much to fix', etc, and it's like he's giving up before he even really considers things. I keep stupidly getting my hopes up about things, and then it all hits me like a wave. He tells me he doesn't love me - but I said to him if you don't love me at all, why did it bother you so much when I was moving my stuff into the bedroom (we're in separate rooms now) - he couldn't answer me. I asked him how he would feel if I chose to leave and didn't come back, and I could tell that hurt him. So if the idea of being without me is so hard for him, why does he think he has no feelings for me anymore??? This is so out of control - I know he's hurting and he's overtaxed and at the end of his rope. But I don't think it's worth throwing our marriage away over. 

The other problem I have is he wants me to get a new job - which is fine as I've only been out of my old one for a week and just got paid, but he's talking about moving, and leaving (and if he does leave and I don't have a work visa lined up I will have to leave the country), and I have no idea what to do. 

I HATE that all this stupid immigration stuff is involved too - it makes everything so needlessly complicated. If he could have waited 9 months to have this out - we could have been working without this additional pressure. I just wish he would TRY with me....so we can see whether we CAN make things work....I guess all I can do is wait and see what he decides...


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