# 20 yr daughter smoking pot



## Bayou

I caught my 20 yr old daughter smoking pot in her room last night in my house, I warned her in the past about smoking, and how it could effect her life, but she did it any way , so I told her she would have to move out in the morning, I feel so bad, she is a great kid has a good job and love her dearly, she thinks pot smoking is no big deal and that I am over reacting, I think the only way I am going to realize right from wrong is to introduce her to the real world.
I don't know where she is going to go and it worries the crap out of me , but I told her she has to go. On top of that her car broke down the other day, I was going to fix it for her , but I am not , I told her she was a big girl and fix your own car .
I hope this is not to stern, and hope she doesn't turn to drugs for the answer, 
What do you think I should do ? 
Dam this is killing me !!
Her mom and I are trying to reconcile I wonder if my marriage Bull**** is the cause of her turning to pot and I am over reacting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I don't know if you did the right thing or not, but I do think strongly that backing down now would be the WRONG thing. 

Is she in school? Working?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Sorry, just saw that she is working... Is she paying rent?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## struggle

My parents went through the SAME thing with my brother around that age. You have to draw the line and stick with it. They "kicked" him out...but I would call the first time a forced "placement".

They helped him get a small apartment. He had to pay rent and pay his utilities. He would come over to their house and do laundry and eat food sometimes. I'm sure they lent him money sometimes...for his bills and his car repairs....he's supposed to pay it back. I'm sure he hasn't paid it all back

He was so busy working....and so broke....he got a temporary reality check. Moved back home on conditions. He was supposed to enroll to college, but he's not motivated at all.

Awhile after moving back home....he smoked pot in his room. And he was outzie again. He now has a roommate he shares a trailer with, and he works full time to pay his bills. Still no college....by his own personal choice. My parents hate it....but what can they do?

Your house, your rules!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bayou

PBear said:


> Sorry, just saw that she is working... Is she paying rent?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she is working and getting ready for the next semester of school
She doesn't pay any rent , just her car insurance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

What was her response when you said she needed to move out?

Sorry, I don't have much by way of actual advice, other than not backing down. 

C


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## ScarletBegonias

I'm not sure what you can actually do about this.If the girl wants to smoke weed she's going to smoke it no matter what you do or say.I mean,you can go all hard ass on her,kick her out,make her life uncomfortable,etc...maybe she'll get the message.More likely though,she'll just get more creative about hiding her activities from you. 

Does she drink? Smoke cigarettes? Any other drugs?


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## arbitrator

*Pot smoking is not the real issue here! The primary issue is that the daughter blatantly disrespected the parent's house rules, placing her own personal desires well ahead of that of the family's. If she is getting room and board gratis from Mom and Dad, then she should adhere to their rules or get out and pay for a place where she can blow smoke and swill brew until the cows come home!*


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## roseblssm6

I agree with arbitrator. I don't have a problem with pot smoking per se (as long as the person is employed, responsible, and it's not causing problems with your finances or life in someway like an addiction) but she knew it was against the rules and I agree that it would be a bad idea to back out now.


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## MattMatt

Throw her out. But fix her car. If you don't, you risk sounding petty.


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## Janie123

Bayou said:


> I caught my 20 yr old daughter smoking pot in her room last night in my house, I warned her in the past about smoking, and how it could effect her life, but she did it any way , so I told her she would have to move out in the morning, I feel so bad, she is a great kid has a good job and love her dearly, she thinks pot smoking is no big deal and that I am over reacting, I think the only way I am going to realize right from wrong is to introduce her to the real world.
> I don't know where she is going to go and it worries the crap out of me , but I told her she has to go. On top of that her car broke down the other day, I was going to fix it for her , but I am not , I told her she was a big girl and fix your own car .
> I hope this is not to stern, and hope she doesn't turn to drugs for the answer,
> What do you think I should do ?
> Dam this is killing me !!
> Her mom and I are trying to reconcile I wonder if my marriage Bull**** is the cause of her turning to pot and I am over reacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You couldn't be more wrong.

The younger generation (with the help of older people like me) has made it CLEAR that they favor marijuana legalization. Oppose it like the religious right opposed abortion rights for years if you like. But just like they did, you'll lose.

It's not your place to tell your adult daughter what she can and can't do. Put up walls between you and her if you like, but you'll regret losing her over a dumb generational thing like marijuana.

I'm an engineer, married to a school teacher, and we both smoke marijuana every day. And love it.

Get over your generational hangups, or lose your beloved daughter forever. It's that simple.


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## PBear

Janie123 said:


> You couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> The younger generation (with the help of older people like me) has made it CLEAR that they favor marijuana legalization. Oppose it like the religious right opposed abortion rights for years if you like. But just like they did, you'll lose.
> 
> It's not your place to tell your adult daughter what she can and can't do. Put up walls between you and her if you like, but you'll regret losing her over a dumb generational thing like marijuana.
> 
> I'm an engineer, married to a school teacher, and we both smoke marijuana every day. And love it.
> 
> Get over your generational hangups, or lose your beloved daughter forever. It's that simple.


I think you're the one that couldn't be more wrong. Regardless of my views on marijana usage, there were rules in place as far as living there went. She disrespected those rules. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Bayou,

I have seen marijuana, which I smoked as a teen and in my freshman year of college, destroy children. One cousin who was dying of cancer had her dope head son stealing from her. He ran away to be dealer at the age 16 or 17. His head is fried from harmless marijuana. (Ohio)

Cousin 2, has a 16 or 17 year old psychotic son who can longer attend school. His problem may be caused by harmless marijuana or maybe the weed just made it worse. My cousin's husband cheated and left her to cope alone. I am sure she hates marijuana, though she and I grew in the drug liberal early 70s. (She live in LA)

Cousin 3. Son has problems. Some sort personality disorder, not psychotic or bipolar, but he has problems understanding social interaction. He is a very nice kid. Dropped out of college. Now makes a living selling drug culture T-shirts and hats at concerts. His parents have been unable to accept him visiting even for Christmas. (Town near Chicago)

Friend in Europe. Son 17 arrested for importing artificial marijuana through the post. Big legal problems but overcame them. 

My nephew. Gone to college for first semester and failed every class. Mother found expensive vaporiser pipe and scales. Dope is ruining him, too. Both parents doctors. (Michigan)

Yes, some people can smoke and function. But not all. And for some it does not improve their work.

Tell your daughter that you love and want her drug free.


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## appletree

I don't think pot is harmless, but most people come out unscathed. Everyone knows a lot of people who smoked pot when they were young, most of those ex hippies are in leading positions now. But it can enhance problems you already have.

It is important that you don't lose the contact to her daughter. 
In reality she should move out not because she smoked pot but because she must get wings, it's time. Talk to her that she understands that you are only preoccupied.


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## lenzi

I might have given her a warning first. 

One more time with the pot smoking and you're gone. 

Unless that WAS clearly part of the rules. If so, she knew the consequences and she's paying the price. 

I'd still fix the car for her as promised, the two things are not related.


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## struggle

lenzi said:


> I might have given her a warning first.
> 
> One more time with the pot smoking and you're gone.
> 
> Unless that WAS clearly part of the rules. If so, she knew the consequences and she's paying the price.
> 
> I'd still fix the car for her as promised, the two things are not related.


^^^^^^ Agreed! ^^^^^^^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bayou

struggle said:


> ^^^^^^ Agreed! ^^^^^^^^^
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOT
> 
> Well here's the out come of my situation, I fixed my daughter's car when she was at work, picked her up in it when she got off , she had a smile from ear to ear to see her car was running again, came home and she apologized to me and her mother, than we agreed on counseling instead of moving out.
> Thanks for the info you have provided for me, I would hate to loose my daughter over pot smoking, like I said she really is a good kid
> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Thank god you didn't actually kick her out. My jaw dropped when I read that you had - I have a 20 year old daughter and would never kick her out for smoking pot. I wouldn't send her to counseling either, but then I smoke pot with my adult kids, personally I find it better than alcohol. Banning pot smoking would have never been one of my house rules in the first place.


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## LongWalk

Good compromise. You can your daughter that weed, cigarettes and alcohol are all there to alter mood. You want her to happy without getting stoned or drunk. You selfish gene parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tharco

EDIT: Bayou, I was so glad to see your most recent post in this thread, and that seems like an EXCELLENT solution/outcome. I still feel the need to post this though as your post brought up a lot of memories and I DID spend the past 5 minutes writing it. So again, the outcome you came up with is, in my mind, PERFECT, and I hope it works out for you. Please accept the following post as you would with ANY free advice…with a grain of salt and a smile on your face 


ORIGINAL POST
NOTHING is harmless. Drink too much water and you will die. Inhale too much car fumes (carbon monoxide) and you will die. Eat too much sugar and you will die. Touch an electrical outlet incorrectly and you will be electrocuted to death. The list goes on, FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. Hell, I’ve seen WORLD OF WARCRAFT ruin people’s lives because they became “addicted” to it. The notion that something should be illegal or is BAD because some people abuse it to the point of stupidity does not, in and of itself, make something “bad”. Have you ever tasted alcohol? Have you ever ingested nicotine or sugar? Ever eaten chocolate? Ever drank caffeine? Then guess what…YOU ARE A DRUGIE! YOU HAVE TRIED DRUGS THAT ALTER YOUR MOOD AND PERCEPTION. BWAHAHAH! But as people have already mentioned, regardless of someone’s views on marijuana, that is not the real issue here….it just irks me to see people say “IT HAS RUINED LIVES!!!!!” THE INTERNET has ruined lives in numerous ways….should we shut down TAM? But I digress…..

The issue is that it is YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. I guess I just wonder what you are trying to accomplish from this….other than potentially ostracizing your daughter. From my point of view, sitting down and TALKING about this would serve you better than throwing her out of the house. Talking ABOUT is not the same as talking TO. Have you ever asked her WHY she smokes marijuana? Have you ever smoked it yourself? What PRODUCTIVE conversation could you have with your daughter about this? What is so terrible about her actions that warrant you booting her out of the house? What reasonable problems can your daughter expect to face if she continues down this road…and are those reasonable problems true to reality (Sorry, REEFER MADNESS is not true, in any sense….but some people BELIEVE it still), and even more important, have you communicated and DISCUSSED these concerns? How will booting her out of the house RESOLVE the problem? Will it possibly make the problem worse? Are you OK with it becoming worse? 

A final question I would ask is this: let’s say your daughter apologizes and says this will NEVER happen again, and you decide to let her stay. Would you prefer that she HIDES future activities from you (and therefore sets up a relationship where she does NOT feel comfortable going to you for “anything”) or would you rather she be OPEN AND HONEST, so you could offer your advice and years of adult experience? These are questions I would ask myself if I were in your shoes. There are no right or wrong answers, just something I would think on before committing to a decision 

In my own case, my parents had stern conversations with me…they were concerned for me when I began drinking when I was only a teen (don't worry, I grew out of it....probably because it wasn't so exciting once my parents didn't have a cow over it) and told me their reasons why, but ALWAYS encouraged me to be open and honest with them, even when I was doing “bad” things. In their mind, it was BETTER that I trust my parents enough to call them if I was too intoxicated to drive….rather than feel that they would punish me OR KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE if they found out and therefore try to DRIVE home drunk in order to hide it from them.

Another example…and I know some people might have a problem with this, but I don’t…when I went through my pot smoking phase, I was your daughters age and living at home. My parents flipped when they smelled that crud coming from my room. They COULD have thrown me out of the house, but instead they laid down one rule: I was NOT to bring that crap into the house. If I wanted to sit in my car or go outside and light up a joint…that was MY BUSINESS. But in THEIR HOUSE, marijuana was not permitted. In other words, they treated me like an adult. This gave ME an out…and allowed me to grow out of my smoking phase without worrying about the wrath of my parents. It allowed THEM to still be a good influence…but not wreck our relationship by being unreasonable. I personally think it’s unreasonable to expect a young person to act like their parents and that being young is the time to try these crazy things. How else are we supposed to learn unless we DO? Again, that’s just my OPINION so take it for what it is worth.

Anyway, I don’t envy your position…everyone parents differently so please don’t think I am criticizing you. I am just offering a POSSIBLE alternative viewpoint to your predicament. Bottom line is you MUST do what you think is best for your daughter. In any event, I wish you and your daughter the best of luck!!!!

-Tharco


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## married tech

> The primary issue is that the daughter blatantly disrespected the parent's house rules, placing her own personal desires well ahead of that of the family's.


Well yea isn't that why most everyone of use moved out of our parents house and got our own places and lives? :scratchhead:

You know, just to get away from their rules and wants so that we can live as we please by our own rules and standards we set for ourselves?


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## CharlotteMcdougall

I moved back home for one year when I was 24. I had an injury that was so severe that I could no longer live on my own. My parents knew that I smoked and they told me that if I was going to live with them, I could not smoke. I still smoked weed...I just did it when I came home from work late at night and they were sleeping. I didn't DARE to smoke in their home; it was always outside. 

I am not a parent so I cannot offer advice. The point of the story is that adult children will do whatever they want. If they live at home and you are opposed to some of their actions, they will simply hide it until they can move out. 

My parents used to threaten to kick me out just because I dated around instead of being with only one guy the rest of my life. They constantly put me down and my mother loved to spread rumors about me to the rest of the family. She also kept hitting me even though I was grown. One day, I had enough and walked away. They were begging me to come back, but the relationship was already too damaged for me to want to live with them.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

married tech said:


> Well yea isn't that why most everyone of use moved out of our parents house and got our own places and lives? :scratchhead:
> 
> You know, just to get away from their rules and wants so that we can live as we please by our own rules and standards we set for ourselves?


:iagree: I couldn't live by my parents' sexist and stifling rules, so I left. I refused to return because I knew that environment was poisonous. It was also causing me to develop emotional problems. 

Sometimes parents do not appreciate how good their adult children are until it was too late. My parents grovelled with me to return but I told them that I needed to be happy.


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## doubletrouble

I basically moved out of my parent's house when I was 15. Completely moved out by age 18. Smoked pot age 16-26. 

However, they couldn't kick me out at age 15 for smoking it if I had. 

However, our D24 would get walking orders of she broke the meth rules in our house (she's been clean almost 2 years now). So rules are rules, and unless you're paying the rent for the house and good and toilet paper and all the other things you consume, then you go by the rules. 

I agree though, help her fix the damn car. 

I don't like it when kids surf off their parents and don't do a damned thing about finding their own way. Get off the nipple already.


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## married tech

> Sometimes parents do not appreciate how good their adult children are until it was too late. My parents grovelled with me to return but I told them that I needed to be happy.


That's how our family went. In their eyes I wasn't worth poop at home until I went to college and was not there for a few months and all the chores and work I did started to fall back to them and my at the time lazy ass fat little brother. 

Boy that tune changed from me being worthless to "Well son if you want to come home once a month we will pay your fuel round trip (600+ miles) and pay you a fair working wage for what you while home as well."  

Personally I still ain't worth poop when it comes to work or home chores. Just ask my wife.


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## Cooper

Bayou, I think you handled it just right. The problem with just kicking her out is you don't know where she will land or who she will end up living with. At least keeping her home you can help navigate her thru this time in her life, keep her working and keep her in school and heading in the right direction. 

Nice job to you and the wife.


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## Miss Taken

Like others said I think the bigger issue is that she was disrespectful of the rules. I don't think pot is that big of a deal for most people. For most people it's a phase, they fool around with it when they're younger and grow out of it when they grow up. Then there are others that use it for life just as people do alcohol.

I don't smoke it but the "pot-heads" that I do know in real life have careers in law, are high school and elementary teachers, civil engineers, houses and families and are contributing members of society. I really don't think pot is that big of a deal. 

As for the naysayers who report psychotic relatives, kids that ran away to be drug dealers etc. I don't think that's pot's fault. I think there is underlying issues and those people would probably be screwed up whether their drug of choice was pot, alcohol, crack, meth, coke, prescription drugs or heroin.

Either way I think the knee-jerk reaction to kick her out was an overreaction and so was getting her counseling instead. I just don't think it's a big deal unless she's wasting her life but you've already said she's a good kid and works hard at her job.


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## m0nk

Janie123 said:


> You couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> The younger generation (with the help of older people like me) has made it CLEAR that they favor marijuana legalization. Oppose it like the religious right opposed abortion rights for years if you like. But just like they did, you'll lose.
> 
> It's not your place to tell your adult daughter what she can and can't do. Put up walls between you and her if you like, but you'll regret losing her over a dumb generational thing like marijuana.
> 
> I'm an engineer, married to a school teacher, and we both smoke marijuana every day. And love it.
> 
> Get over your generational hangups, or lose your beloved daughter forever. It's that simple.


Agree to disagree here. I think the OP should stick to his guns but make a point of fixing the car. It doesn't matter if pot is made legal or not at the moment...the point is the daughter knew the house rules and broke them blatantly. Societal pressures and social spheres aside, if the daughter learns she can manipulate dad and that his hangups are dated and standards malleable, she won't learn any accountability or discipline. The OP has the right in his home to set rules, and how he enforces those rules will show his daughter some standards cannot and will not be changed. As long as he lets her know she is welcome once a week to do laundry and WHY he is fixing her car (because he said he would) he is teaching her a more valuable lesson than otherwise. When she has her own place she can make those rules just as you and your wife do, but right now she does not have that privilege. The OP should make it clear he loves her and supports her but will not tolerate rule breaking. If she wishes to come back she will have to agree to sticking by the rules. In no way do I think he should sever or limit communication or not fix the car. The worst he could do is shutting his daughter out permanently and not having standards. Just IMO...peace...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skate Daddy 9

I am surprised that this was made out to be more about the pot then the rules. I think parents need to set rules and consequences for breaking those rules. You just taught your daughter that it is okay to break your rules.


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## tinybuddha58

The fact that she is 20, she is old enough to make her own life choices. There is nothing wrong with you giving her your opinion and also to enforce that she not smoke at your house. She would need to find another place for that if you don't approve. I have many friends that smoked in college and they all turned out fine (even though some stopped caring about themselves while they smoked,but they eventually straightened themselves out). I dont see what is wrong with you telling her that you were wrong in kicking her out , if you do change your mind. Just have an open discussion about it. She would appreciate it. Just make sure boundaries are set. (not sure if you gave her warnings before, if so then yeah id kick her out )


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## OhGeesh

It should be legal is much safer than alcohol  FACT


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## RandomDude

Marijuana, the debate continues...


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## chillymorn

Bayou said:


> struggle said:
> 
> 
> 
> ^^^^^^ Agreed! ^^^^^^^^^
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOT
> 
> Well here's the out come of my situation, I fixed my daughter's car when she was at work, picked her up in it when she got off , she had a smile from ear to ear to see her car was running again, came home and she apologized to me and her mother, than we agreed on counseling instead of moving out.
> Thanks for the info you have provided for me, I would hate to loose my daughter over pot smoking, like I said she really is a good kid
> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think you handled it perfectly! you had rules. and she broke them. she has generous parents who love her and help support her while shes in school.
> 
> fix her car,feed her,a place to sleep and loving company!
> 
> If she can't deal with the rules then she should make her own way in the world.
> 
> she can pay rent ,utilities,fix her own car and buy her own food.
> if smoking pot,weed,bud,joint,bongs,or blunts are more important than a family who loves and helps her then she should move out!
> 
> but with stern boundaries and compassionate parent who held to their moral standard this young adult might have learned the most valuable lesson of her entire life.
> 
> I say great job you guys sound like REAL GOOD PARENTS!
Click to expand...


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## tacoma

Bayou said:


> I feel so bad, she is a great kid has a good job and love her dearly,


You should feel bad.
You ****ed up.



> she thinks pot smoking is no big deal and that I am over reacting,


Considering that in all respects she is a good kid upholding her responsibilities in life then I'd say she was right.
It is no big deal.



> What do you think I should do ?


You should apologize, state that you were wrong, lay down a rule about not smoking in your house and start learning about the thing you apparently have no knowledge of but are willing to destroy your kid over.



> Bull**** is the cause of her turning to pot and I am over reacting?


Very much so.


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## chillymorn

OhGeesh said:


> It should be legal is much safer than alcohol  FACT


lot of things should be legal. But until they are parents should teach childern to abide the law.

as for it being safer than drinking I'm not so sure there is ample evidence to suport that. lot of variable to consider. are you saying cronic use of weed is healthier than cronic use of alcohol?

I feel they are equally dangerous and moderation is the key as with most things in life. the pot out there now is more potent that the brown swag I had experianced in my adoledence.

but I think we can all agree not using any substance would be the most healthy. and isn't that what we want for our children.at the very mimimun we want to teach moderation and self control as a way of life. 

I would bet it will be legal nation wide at some point there is too much tax dollars to be made and let face it thats what the states want more revenue so they can bilk the tax payer out of more money.

the other thing to consider is employment. even if it becomes legal most employers will still drug test and you could be excluded from any high paying job because you want to get high.some employers won't hire you if you smoke cigs.

so you go to college pay 80K-150k only to not be able to find a job because you have a minor pot charge on your record or because you want to smoke pot. and then you can cry boohoo I have studen loans I can't pay because theres no jobs!

I think its best to try as best as you can to get this point accross to all young people. there are consequences for your actions. like not having a place to live while your parents suport you as you try to make your way in the world.because you want to smoke.


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## DoF

If she is doing fine in life, weed is no big deal.

Could be SO much worse, kids now day are doing pills/heroin/meth etc.

The only problem I see here is that she did it in your house. THAT'S something OP should address.

Rest, no big deal. But what do I know, I'm an occasional user.

I do no drink, smoke cigs or anything else though (for whatever that's worth)


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