# How do I get my mans attention?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband. He is constantly doing "things" around the house and at the cottage he works full time and belongs to boards. As time passes I find myself more and more alone. He doesn't want to do anything with me. I ask but he would rather do his "stuff". He makes lists and he gets really anxcious about how much he wants to get done. I don't ask him too do all these things rather he feels a need to. I spend more and more time without him inside the house, out with friends, shopping or at work.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP AND LOOK AND SPEND TIME WITH ME? I have communicated to him that I am feeling more and more alone in this relationship. I don't know what to do!

Doesn't he realize he is ignoring the relationship...i can't go on asking for his attention. He only does what he wants to do...help!

If I just go on doing what I want to do we would never communicate and we would never do anything together...it is always my idea.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Been there done that - married 21 years now. I got my mans attention by essentially following the principles in the book the surrendered wife. Don't let the title fool you it's not what you think it's about.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

care to share the principles of the book? right now doesn't feel like i am in a relationship at all....


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

I hate to say this, but you have to shock his system. Tell him you're leaving and mean it. Either he start to focus on you, or you leave and you don't have to deal with it anymore. It's a win-win for you.

And be clear, there's one condition on you staying. He must join you in marriage counselling. 

Look, I doubt it's you that he's avoiding. There's something going on that he doesn't want to admit to, so he comes up with bs excuses to justify in his head why he doesn't hang out with you. Men lie to themselves all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Well, I'll tell you what doesn't work: 

Getting angry and "in your face" about things, accusing him of ignoring her, saying that all the things that he's doing and are important to him are bad and in the way of what you want... ( You're always doing blah, never have time for me...). 

When my wife started the 'you never take me anywhere and do anything' riff, she blamed it on all the things I like to do. So I had to choose between them and her. So, it was framed in the context of my activities vs her wants. So, if I was engaging in what I wanted to do, it was betraying her needs. 

I resented the hell out of that. And, further, it didn't really result in us spending more quality time together. More like me trying to ignore her, because it was such a reminder of being a sore spot. 

The thing is, I really do want to do things with my wife and did. But her stated wants always involved things I avoided like the black plague... like church social events. I find them to be immensely stressful. I'm not a social creature.

I thought she just wanted to do those things... She really just wanted me to spend time with her, that was the context she saw for her to get it. 

Perhaps there's a middle ground. Men usually have good analytical powers and like problem solving. Put that to use, letting him work out a way to be together in ways that foster interaction without pressure.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> care to share the principles of the book? right now doesn't feel like i am in a relationship at all....


 http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Really, it's about changing yourself instead of worrying about how to make him change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

so I get the basic idea it is about changing my approach and I can see what that will require....however that just means I will be going to talk to him less, calling him less, asking him to do things with me less, asking him to talk while we have a meal etc.I see this as not working but I will try. He is very caught up in his "list" of things that always takes place of doing anything with me! I will just be alone even more. This weekend he has spent all day saturday with changing and washing car tires etc and all day Sunday with yard work and xmas lights. He doesn't seem to need contact with me it is VERY strange. So now I am going to have dinner and go out lets see what happens...I am not going to nag or get mad I am just going to the movies by myself because he says we can't afford to go together.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ManUp said:


> http://www.surrenderedwife.com/
> 
> Really, it's about changing yourself instead of worrying about how to make him change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. It all starts by changing what you truly have control over. YOU not him. You have no control over what he does only how you react to him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Testicles. Locate them. Grasp and squeeze. Apply pressure until you get the desired level of attention. Guaranteed to work on your husband and most male mammals.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I really have come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be with me it is painful to think that his"list" is more importnat than me. Now it is dark and he is still busy outside I am lonely and would love him to come inside and have a drink and make dinner together but its not going to happen. This change I am going to make will only cause us to be in activities seperately more! How will that change my lonliness? I am already alone?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I feel your pain. I cried everyday for weeks when I made the realization that I was alone. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I felt but in the end I felt free. I no longer felt the need to control or make him be something he's not. He didn't want to be with me and I was finally willing to let him be free too.

But something clicked (I'd been at this for a while) and I got through to him and this was without saying a word. My story is long but lets just say 18 months ago I almost became a walk a way wife and now I'm happier than I've ever been. I studied and I learned. I figured out WHY my husband checked out and fixed that in ME not him.

This isn't easy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How about jumping out there and working with him? The projects will quit being "his" stuff and will become couple stuff. It's also hard to work without communicating. It'll show that what matters to him matters to you, too. That's what you want him to do, isn't it? Show interest in things that matter to you?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

unbelievable that's hard to do when you aren't feeling loved and cherished. You're more like a puppy following your husband around waiting for crumbs of affection which only make your already low self esteem even lower. 2 months ago I was DONE sitting around waiting for crumbs. I don't do that anymore. I deserve better than that and so does the OP.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I left mine, that got his attention.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> I left mine, that got his attention.


In all honesty that's kinda what happened with me but it was work related. He had to leave me for 3 months and during that time I found my self esteem.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lists? Needs to get it all done?

Sounds like a strong case of OCD


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Testicles. Locate them. Grasp and squeeze. Apply pressure until you get the desired level of attention. Guaranteed to work on your husband and most male mammals.


Usually accomplished by with the withholding of sex and a verbal barrage of argument and criticism. 

We all know that's a great solution, eh?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Pull back on yourself and see if he picks up the slack. Just stop all attempts to engage with him.

You'll get some answers quickly.

Sorry you are experiencing this. It's such a stressful situation.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband....


Dress sexy and tell him how much you need his love...in a playful way.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband. He is constantly doing "things" around the house and at the cottage he works full time and belongs to boards. As time passes I find myself more and more alone. He doesn't want to do anything with me. I ask but he would rather do his "stuff". He makes lists and he gets really anxcious about how much he wants to get done. I don't ask him too do all these things rather he feels a need to. I spend more and more time without him inside the house, out with friends, shopping or at work.
> HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP AND LOOK AND SPEND TIME WITH ME? I have communicated to him that I am feeling more and more alone in this relationship. I don't know what to do!
> 
> Doesn't he realize he is ignoring the relationship...i can't go on asking for his attention. He only does what he wants to do...help!
> ...


I'm sorry you're going through that. It must be very lonely. I would do the stuff around the house with him. You might have fun.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> Usually accomplished by with the withholding of sex and a verbal barrage of argument and criticism.
> 
> We all know that's a great solution, eh?


:rofl:

Perfect. lol


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Why does it take the woman making such a drastic and dramatic change or statement as leaving to get a man's f-ing attention? Why, when we are now supposedly 'mature' (in 40s, not 20s anymore), can't we not simply get his attention by stating what are wants, needs, and desires are? I don't get it.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband.


Try to lose few pounds, if there is unnecessary fat. 

I apologize if I offended you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, you said that already.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> Why does it take the woman making such a drastic and dramatic change or statement as leaving to get a man's f-ing attention? Why, when we are now supposedly 'mature' (in 40s, not 20s anymore), can't we not simply get his attention by stating what are wants, needs, and desires are? I don't get it.


Because we men are often personality types that do not gain certain qualities or abilities just because we age. 

IT doesn't matter if we're 24, 44 or 64, in my case, the "thinking" part of me overrules the "feeling" part of me in terms of interpreting what I see and controlling my response. Thus, to my wife, I am distant and rejecting and insufficiently "caring". 

You describe what you want as "attention", but what lots of men would interpret that as is a need to find out what annoys you and fix it. It just isn't intuitive to many that what you want is time and interaction that isn't just a "describe the symptoms and I fix it and get back to work" thing. 

It is NOT a maturity issue. It is most likely a skill he needs to LEARN and make a habit of applying it.

And why does it take threatening to leave for him to take action? Simply because it never occurs to him that it is a "big deal". In all likelyhood he probably thinks he's actually doing what you want, or thinks he's already making big compromises and meeting his obligations.

In my case, I understand so little of what my wife says she wants, it's like I need a book to decode from what she says what it is supposed to mean to me. I'm sure she thinks she's being very clear, but we have a discussion and I walk away still as clueless as before it happened. And she gets so frustrated with me she'll just not talk to me. That does NOT clue me in. I know she's upset, but I still have no idea what to do about it.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

amanda1959.

I would suggest that you ask in a polite but sassy way if he would include you on his list of things that need to be done. Tell him you have a special project that needs his attention.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

oldgeezer said:


> Because we men are often personality types that do not gain certain qualities or abilities just because we age.
> 
> IT doesn't matter if we're 24, 44 or 64, in my case, the "thinking" part of me overrules the "feeling" part of me in terms of interpreting what I see and controlling my response. Thus, to my wife, I am distant and rejecting and insufficiently "caring".
> 
> ...


Have you and your wife worked through the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"?

I think that most women do not realize that they have to be so concrete in telling their guy what they need.

For example I need for use to spend 15 hours a week together. Let's list things we can do. Then we will go through the list weekly and decide what to do.

However, from my experience, I could tell my husband that. He would go along with the discussion. Then it would never happen. In my book he does not care.

Why do I say he does not care. Because if he was working on a team adn they made up a list like that he'd remember it and do it. He'd make sure it got done.

But in our relationship I (yes I) was not important enough to him.

What is it that your wife tells you in English, or whatever language you two speak, that you cannot understand? What can she change so that you can understand?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> However, from my experience, I could tell my husband that. He would go along with the discussion. Then it would never happen. In my book he does not care.
> 
> Why do I say he does not care. Because if he was working on a team adn they made up a list like that he'd remember it and do it. He'd make sure it got done.
> 
> But in our relationship I (yes I) was not important enough to him.


She does exactly what you're doing. 

So, we're having a conversation about some thing... Doesn't matter all that much what the thing is, just that it's important. 

I suddenly realize that she's angry about something I didn't do. And, further, she's never asked me to do. 

"I don't remember you asking me to do (blah)." 

"I didn't, because you don't listen to me anyway, and even if you did, you won't do it because you don't care..." 

Ok. Now i"m guilty of (and she treats me as if it actually happened) not doing what she wanted me to do, which she didn't ask me to do, because she was sure I would not do, because I don't care. 

Where the problem here is, is that somewhere before this, I'm sure something has happened she's really fried about, but I have no idea what THAT might be. 

A few weeks ago it was "I can't believe anything you say." "Why?" "Because you told me years ago that you thought you'd make enough money from your business to pay for my school, but since you don't make that kind of money, how can I believe anything you say now?" 

The conversation seems concrete enough on the surface. It cannot possibly be that the argument is literal. If it is, well, then I guess I should file for divorce first and run like hell, because that's an impossible standard. I don't THINK she's so disconnected from reality that a reduction in business growth from a weak economy means I am untrustworthy. Or is that really it? 

I need the secret magic decoder ring. I started another thread on the topic. I simply cannot decode where all this goes.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> She does exactly what you're doing.
> 
> So, we're having a conversation about some thing... Doesn't matter all that much what the thing is, just that it's important.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh. My Ex H was like that. Hence Ex. Drove me ip the wall. Could not, would not, tell me when things were bothering him. And this was a man with a PhD in English. It is not fair what she is doing. Two people must communicate their needs. One should not expect the other to be a mind reader. Mine was passive-aggressive to boot. After several yrs of marriage I began to realize that when he did something like rototill my strawberry patch "by accident" that he was angry about something. Then I'd approach him and ask but he STILL would not tell me what it was. After nearly 14 yrs of this I finally realized that there was no way of going forward with this man. The final straw was when his "I forgots" nearly killed me, literally, that ut was time to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> Because we men are often personality types that do not gain certain qualities or abilities just because we age.
> 
> IT doesn't matter if we're 24, 44 or 64, in my case, the "thinking" part of me overrules the "feeling" part of me in terms of interpreting what I see and controlling my response. Thus, to my wife, I am distant and rejecting and insufficiently "caring".
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. I get you. But, I have been clear in my wants. For example, "when you're away I need to feel connected to you. Like you are still part of my day to day existence here. You can do this by texting me a few times a day and taking five minutes so we can have a little three line to and fro. Or emailing me when you're in the office. Calling me to tell me you've had a crawly day and say that you wish you were here."

How much clearer does it get? I have a difficult time believing the above is hard to decipher! And really, am I asking to much of someone who is gone for 23 days in a row?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> Ok. I get you. But, I have been clear in my wants. For example, "when you're away I need to feel connected to you. Like you are still part of my day to day existence here. You can do this by texting me a few times a day and taking five minutes so we can have a little three line to and fro. Or emailing me when you're in the office. Calling me to tell me you've had a crawly day and say that you wish you were here."
> 
> How much clearer does it get? I have a difficult time believing the above is hard to decipher! And really, am I asking to much of someone who is gone for 23 days in a row?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

When verbal communication is poor as in your marriage, it’s wise to observe, take note and interpret your husband’s body language and behaviour. Body language is obviously the way he looks at you, how he sits when in your company etc. Behaviour is what he does (or doesn’t do) “over time”.


So what does your husband’s body language and behaviour over time tell you?

From how you describe it (a) He doesn’t want to spend time with you and (b) He cares not at all for your happiness and (c) He most certainly does not want to work with you to improve the relationship between the two of you.


I think the question to ask yourself is why on earth do you want to spend any more time in such a very unfulfilling marriage? What is it about you that does that? 


For sure you only have the one life to live, this one is not a dress rehearsal (as far as we know) for a better, more rewarding life. Sometimes spouses only ever respond to ultimatums and not always in the way we’d wish them to. Maybe take the bull by the horns and ask your husband if he wants a divorce. His response, yes or no, will tell you virtually everything you need to know.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He does. He spends every three weeks with me when he is 'out' of camp. This time is not the problem. It is the other 22 days that he's gone at camp that is the problem. He wants to 'put on his game face' and have little contact with the outside world. It makes it easier for him to 'get through'. I get it. However, that does not make for a good, or even realistic, relationship. I need the day to day. I want to be able to come home from work/school and tell him about the interesting/stressful, etc things that have happened. I want to feel like I still have a lover/BF for the 22 days he's gone. I don't want to feel like I'm single for half my life but committed for all of it. This to me is unfair of him to expect. I provide the stability, the home, the soft place for him to land when he comes out. But he doesn't seem to understand why I need/want more contact/communication while he's away. Is this enough to break up with him over? maybe. Right now, I'm trying to stay and work with him through it. 

Short of threatening to break up (which it seems to be the 'wake up' call this thread suggests), I'm not sure what to do. I just can't believe that that is the only solution. Are we not adults now? Can we not just communicate our needs clearly and develop the relationship together? Why the need for 'dramatic' entrances and exits? I don't get it. 

Come on men, pony up. When your wife is asking clearly for something, ask yourself why are you unwillilng to give it? 

A counselor asked my Ex H the following: 

C: Does your wife know what she wants?
Hub: Yes. 
C: Is she able to express it to you clearly?
Hub: Yes. 
C: Is she asking for the ridiculous? Or are they things you actually can and are able to do? (Like she isn't asking to be flown to the moon on Thursdays to have her nails painted by Martians, or anything out of your reach?)
Hub: Yes. She asks for things I am able to do. 
C: So what's the problem then Hub???

That's how I feel again now. What's the problem. I'm asking for him to make some time for me each day while he's away. This should not be unachievable. This is not asking for diamonds or vehicles and things he cannot afford. Time and attention and engagement are free. So what's the problem?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's definitely all about being clear and specific. When we say 'Spend More Time With Me', most men don't really get it. 

Be absolute and clear - I want to spend every Friday night together, I want you to take me to do 'x'. I would like to have sex at least x times a week/month. 

Talk about needs and wants on both sides. What needs/wants does he have that are unmet in this marriage? It took nearly losing my marriage for us to have this conversation but it was the best thing we ever did for each other.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

A++ said:


> Try to lose few pounds, if there is unnecessary fat.
> 
> I apologize if I offended you.


I am a beautiul 36 24 37 curves in all the right places....so thank you for that insensitive comment. You are shallow.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> That's how I feel again now. What's the problem. I'm asking for him to make some time for me each day while he's away. This should not be unachievable. This is not asking for diamonds or vehicles and things he cannot afford. Time and attention and engagement are free. So what's the problem?


Part of the problem is we're "compartmentalized". 

While all day you have thoughts about hubby while you're doing whatever... He's focused 100% on the task at hand. Our parents teach us to focus on things, and we're generally more inclined than the fairer sex to focus on the job at hand to the exclusion of all else. I cannot tell you how much grief I got from my father about "don't let you mind wander, stick to what you're doing!", which is great for getting jobs done. 

And having a personality that is very much dedicated to the "one task at a time" focus, I, at least, will not remember to do such things. 

No level of "caring about you" changes that. It's not a matter of caring. It's a matter of how we use our time and focus. 

That being said, IT IS POSSIBLE to do what you want to be done, but it requires breaking concentration, reminders, and free time.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

amanda1959 said:


> I am a beautiul 36 24 37 curves in all the right places....so thank you for that insensitive comment. You are shallow.



Congratuations. And, it's nice to see a woman who is NOT putting down or otherwise belittling herself - especially about figure and looks. 


:thumbup:


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> Part of the problem is we're "compartmentalized".
> 
> While all day you have thoughts about hubby while you're doing whatever... He's focused 100% on the task at hand.
> 
> ...


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

Honestly, I feel like I might have to do what other's suggested and break up. Or do something to shake him up and get his attention. Talking clearly about it isn't working (I don't get it, but I can accept it). He just pushes back with, "I don't have time." I say, that's a crap excuse to be lazy in relationship. When he was pursuing me he called me two-three times per day. It was actually too MUCH for me! This is the thing about men. When in hot pursuit they seem to be able to make time, focus on you, woo you, be romantic, etc. Then once they 'get you', it drops off. So many, many women I know will attest to this. And, listen up men, it is the ONE thing that irritates, hurts, and bewilders womenkind. Why do you only put the effort in to conquer? Don't you understand that what we FALL IN LOVE WITH is THAT man. Not the lazy, I'm too comfortable to bother making an effort anymore, guy. 

I seriously would have thought that I'd be able to simply say what my needs are (they are not ridiculous), and have him be happy that I am clear in my wants, able to express them, and they are things he is able to do (if he were willing). It is frustrating. So much so, I am considering spending the rest of my life single rather than banging my head against the wall trying to figure out 'how to get/keep his attention'!


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Lovesong said:


> oldgeezer said:
> 
> 
> > Part of the problem is we're "compartmentalized".
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

oldgeezer said:


> Lovesong said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know him and I am not pretending to. However, I do know me and people I've worked with. And I am that way. I tend to focus on one thing at a time and time and attention get away from me.
> ...


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

AFEH said:


> oldgeezer said:
> 
> 
> > Someone has to knock pretty hard to get my attention when I’m “in the zone”. It’s like I’m on a distant planet.
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

oldgeezer said:


> AFEH said:
> 
> 
> > I'm ALWAYS in some zone or other. Not extremely so, that I don't see or hear other people, but that my mind has something it's working on deadly serious.
> ...


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

I used to ask my wife when she was sitting doing nothing... "what are you thinking" and she'd say "Nothing".

I still can't wrap my mind around that. The only time "nothing" happens for me is when I'm unconscious. The rest of the time, it's a steady diet of working stuff out. 

You just described me in a nutshell! I too can't turn off the mind. Some days I wish I could. Don't get me wrong, I actually like my thoughts and the mental gymnastics of using my brain and nutting things out. But, there are times when I can see it would be nice to be on autopilot every now and then. 

cheers.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband. He is constantly doing "things" around the house and at the cottage he works full time and belongs to boards.


I can't really help you but can tell you that I have situations like this one that last a few days and my marriage is 4 years old(ouch!).

I did read the replies here and lots of nice ideas! Hope things turn around soon.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Amanda, at the other end of the spectrum is men who do nothing but dote on their wives and accomplish very little - atleast you have a husband who values his time and seems to have high self esteem, and that as I'm sure you know can be very attractive in a man. For your marriage it is a matter of making sure that you feel cherished and have a purpose in his life - I think part of your solution may be what Mavash is talking about, but also making sure that you find a way to instill some rituals and quality time into your H's life.

I am the opposite of your H and my marriage fell apart because of the loss of attraction... my friend who lives next door sounds the same as your H and he just lost his marriage because they lived separate lives, he never included his W but she also refused to participate in his, he was my idea of selfish, however even my W told me she wished I was like him when she left me (which by the way I refuse to accept).


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