# I know it will be hard, but I think I'm going to do it



## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

I think I'm ready to leave him. My internal voice says I'll finally be free of the emotional abuse, but every time I start to get the confidence to pack up, I'm paralyzed with fear.

I've read that it's normal to feel that way. That you can still love and care for your abuser, but know that it's not safe for you to be in that relationship anymore.

So I'm a bit scared. I'm young, only 25 and I already own a house and two cars with him. 

I'm not worried about my own finances, I have a great job. I'd go to my parents 45 minutes away and save until I can afford my own apartment.

But where do I start? Do I take time off work and move away while he is at work? Do I have everything in the car ready to go after I tell him? Do I tell him in person? Write a letter? 

I'm afraid of telling him in person. I don't want to see him beg and cry... I would start crying too. He was crying so hard the other day and it was very difficult to listen. He doesn't want to lose me. I thought I didn't want to lose him, but I've lost myself. I've lost my center. 

Any tips, success stories, etc would be greatly appreciated.


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## cdry13 (Sep 22, 2015)

Not knowing your situation fully, I would simply ask if you had sought counseling yet...? Or are you just trying to handle this on your own?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Tell him but have someone else there like your father and/or brothers...Lose this dude if he is abusive!! Dude


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is he violent or could he become violent ? i would definitely have someone else there to hep you get your stuff off....also make sure you remove 50% of your joint accounts. cancel Credit Cards with both your names on it....remember if he racks up debt (out of spite) you may be on the hook for 50%. get your ducks in a row to make sure you can walk away with protection.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

There is no easy answer. I was your age when I first separated from my emotionally abusive husband. He was my first love and I couldn't imagine life without him. We had a sit down talk and made plans together for who would move out, when/how we would separate our stuff and how to get our house put on the market. There were tears on both sides, but also a resolution that the relationship was over. 

It was a horrible time but you WILL get through it. If you think he may actually try to physically stop you or become abusive, then either move your things out while he is at work (leave a note) and/or have someone there with you. 

There will be a mourning period for the relationship, but eventually, the sun will seem to shine brighter than it ever has. You'll have a weight lifted off your shoulders and you'll just love being free to be you. Free to be happy. Believe me, there is light on the other side.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

cdry13 said:


> Not knowing your situation fully, I would simply ask if you had sought counseling yet...? Or are you just trying to handle this on your own?


Yes we have tried counseling and I am still going to the counselor. He doesn't want to see her anymore. I'll be talking to her about how I feel tomorrow, and see what she suggests. She knows that I'm ready, I had to email her this last weekend because he started to escalate.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> Believe me, there is light on the other side.


Thank you! Your post helped me relax my shoulders. I don't think he will be physical, he has threatened to leave and divorce before. We always said that if something did happen we'd both make sure the other one wasn't harmed financially or anything in anyway.

But I don't know how he'll react to reality.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Call your parents from work, tell them you are moving out and want them to come and be with you as you get your stuff. Confirm the date and time. If you have brothers or male cousins and they can come ask them to do so. Let them know that this is a secret and they should tell no one. Do not tell friends.

Next, call your local police department and see if the can send an officer around to just check in and make sure everything is ok.

Move when your husband is not home. Get dress go to work. When you know he is at work, return home. Grab you stuff and go. Do not linger. Have your family load everything up as quickly as possible. Take only what you need.

If he comes home, call 911 and explain the situation. Ask for an officer to come and assist you.  Do not explain what you are doing and why. Just leave.

Don't buy any more sad stories. Good luck and stay safe.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Just leave him a letter and go. PLEASE give him detailed reasons as to why you left in that letter. You THINK you have, but I know you haven't. The reason I know is that he is still an abuser. If he really knew what it does to you, he would have stopped. 

If you do it in front of him, you may not go. Neither of you gets any help if you stay. You stay in an abusive relationship, and he remains an abuser. Then your kids learn to abuse and the cycle continues.

He's 25. He can be saved. I know many of you don't believe he deserves to be saved, but he is a human being with a problem. All problems are caused by external pressures and are usually forgiven. Not abuse. But he is a human being with feelings. You still love him. You know what he CAN be. Help him get there. Leave him and tell him why. 

From the ruins of that agony will emerge a better man. I know it. I've been there.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

It depends on whether he has been known to get violent or excessively angry. If so, I'd tell him on the phone or via a letter/e-mail. If he's typically somewhat calm, then you might still want a friend there.

With that said, what do you mean by escalating? If he doesn't want to lose you, is he willing to commit to therapy to help repair the relationship? If he is, would you stay and work on it?

We just don't know enough about your situation to offer much advice I think.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> With that said, what do you mean by escalating? If he doesn't want to lose you, is he willing to commit to therapy to help repair the relationship? If he is, would you stay and work on it?
> 
> We just don't know enough about your situation to offer much advice I think.


It's long, but this was my first post:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?p=13571338

He was originally on board with therapy, but now he no longer wants to go because he feels like all he's being told is "you did this wrong" and he wants to hear what I've been doing wrong too (I told him that my day will come, I'm not blameless) but after 7 sessions he says he doesn't want to go anymore. 

By escalating, he started getting very controlling saying things like, "I want to ignore what the counselor said and ask you to stop _____ " I told him no, and he visibly got tense, frustrated and started speaking down to me. He has, in the past year, almost thrown a candle at me, slammed his hand on the kitchen table, and threw his keys down onto the kitchen table while I was sat there.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

closetothedoor said:


> But I don't know how he'll react to reality.


Close, it is hard to know how an emotionally unstable person will react at any moment in time. I therefore agree with the respondents recommending that you have other adults present when you are moving out. 

Also, I suggest you follow the links provided at the end of my 9/7 post. If you decide that your H is exhibiting most of those BPD warning signs at a strong level, I would suggest you obtain a candid professional opinion -- from your own therapist, not his -- about what you're likely dealing with. 

Significantly, if he actually does have strong BPD traits, his greatest fear is _abandonment_. He thus is likely to quickly become very angry and vindictive when he realizes he cannot talk you out of leaving. I also would suggest, in that case, that you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

You mention 'abuser', but haven't said what the abuse really is. 'Abuse' is a term that's thrown around a lot- so please define that if you're going to use it. You said you're not worried about it escalating (physically) and throwing keys on a table, slamming his hand down, or throwing a candle at you isn't really abuse. Yes, it can be the start, but it's not a red-alarm. Then you mention you emailed your counselor because he was starting to 'escalate'. What does that mean? 

If you feel any physical threat, yes, have a family member or friend there while your husband is at work, pack and get out, and immediately file a restraining order if necessary. 

If this is really emotional abuse (again, you've not given any details to explain this), I'd do the same as above. In that case, family/friends are there more to help you stay on track with your decision in case you start to panic or back down.

I don't know what's really going on (because there are no details) and you haven't talked about why you want to leave (other than using the word 'abuser' with no definition, no examples or reasons mentioned). It's kind of hard to offer support or answers without knowing what's going on and why you're considering leaving, what are the circumstances, how long have you been married, what are his circumstances/needs/requests of you, what do you mean by 'abuse', etc. The PP's have responded assuming certain things (one asked the same questions I'm asking), but I just don't think we can really help unless we know more about what's really going on, what you're battling with, etc.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mmcm3333 said:


> You mention 'abuser', but haven't said what the abuse really is.


MMCM, Close provides much more detail at her other thread. You therefore might find that helpful -- if you've not yet seen it -- while you're waiting for Close to respond.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Just to clarify No kids involed ?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I have read your original thread and it appears you are in a marriage which cannot be sustained regardless of what label is put on your H. Has he been officially diagnosed for anything such as BPD, etc? He needs help, he is still young enough to get the help he needs.

I think it is unfair to just walk out, can you talk to him with your parents/his parents in the background so that you can stand firm and he will have less opportunity to start any drama?

Regardless, make your decision and go. You should pack enough to take with you to your parents. Tell him you will be back at a suitable date (with one or both of your parents) to get the remainder of your stuff.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

closetothedoor said:


> I hope this is the right place. Long post ahead.
> 
> I really don't know where to begin. My husband I will have been married only 3 years in November. I've been reading articles on what verbal/emotional abuse looks like. I've read about gaslighting. I've read other people's stories. And each time, there are bits and pieces that make me say to myself, "this sounds like what's happening to me..."
> 
> ...


OP,
From your original post I see that you have marital issues as does any married couple. I have made comment before regarding how we label everything so as to wrap it up into a nice identifiable package. "Abuse" is such a label. My opinion is that you and he married young and have differing expectations based mostly on your life as a single, perhaps somewhat spoiled, child and adolescent. You describe yourself as a "pleaser" who puts others ahead of yourself consistently and yet your H feels he is at least somewhat neglected. How can this be?

It is possible that you see pleasing people as treating them in a manner that you feel should please them whether it truly does or not. My wife is like this and tells me that "she is bending over backwards to make me happy" and, in her mind, it appears to be true but what she offers is not what I truly need. You have the stamina to stay awake to play a video game (major contributor to societal downfall IMO) because you are engaged in the excitement of the game and yet when you try to stay up with your H you are mostly unsuccessful. Why? Perhaps you are not so engaged in being with him and find sleep preferable to spending time with him. I would find this troubling as well.

Marriage is a relationship involving much give and some take but society is now producing individuals that believe in some give and much take. These are incompatible. I feel as though you and your H require more take than either of you are willing to give. Marriage will never be utopia-like, there will always be issues but I feel as though you think that your next H will fit your mold of how a H should be but unless you have the power to build a man to your exact specifications then I can assure he will not, in every way, be perfect and that there exists the possibility that he may be worse.

As to the abuse, I have thrown my keys in frustration, I have banged my hand down on a table, these are natural responses to frustration. No harm was ever intended so am I an abuser? Abuse is conveniently in the eye of the beholder. If I raise my voice is that abuse? Are we to be as my avatar and display no emotion? Are we to talk dispationately about any and all subjects never exhibiting deep feeling for any subject? This is unrealistic thinking. Communication is crucial in any relationship as is empathy and understanding but is it to be always muted and subdued? It will not be until we evolve the ability to completely control all emotion. Threats of D or splitting up, especially in the heat of an argument, are not uncommon for people desperate to convey the level of frustration they are experiencing just as you screaming "I hate you" is, does that mean you abused your H? Could he not take it that way as he could your lack of interest in watching a movie with him? Are you emotionally abusing him. Perhaps check the depth of your skin, is it too thin and are your expectations of marriage unrealistic?

As soon as you throw out the A word people will tell you to run, leave, get a RO and so forth but remember that no two people are exactly the same and therefore conflicts will arise, it is a natural consequence of a lifelong relationship. You can certainly leave at any time you choose but just try to be sure you aren't a "carrier" of abuse lest you find yourself in a worse relationship than the one you left. Jumping from the frying pan into the fire as it were.

Marriage is hard work and anyone who tells you otherwise is misleading you. If you need proof just look at the diversity of problems just within TAM alone. It is of course your choice to do as you feel necessary but if the two of you can work through this you may find that growing together is preferable to rolling the dice on a new relationship. In any event I wish you good fortune.


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