# Ethical dilemna



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Small town suck in so many ways...

My teenage daughter has a small part in a play. We just found out that BOTH male leads are the OM my wife had affairs with. Daughter was very exciting to get a part and took the initiative to audition and win the part. She's aware that her mother dated one of the OM while we were separated, not sure if she knows about the affairs.

I can either suck it up, and go watch these plays, or ask her to drop out. What would you do?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I can either suck it up, and go watch these plays, or ask her to drop out. What would you do?


Suck it up and make sure your wife sees the repercussions of her stupidity.

Make her aware of the ****ty position she`s put you in.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

She's aware of it and feels terrible. This isn't about punishing her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you can control yourself, please consider taking a hit for your daughter, she's an innocent worth protecting.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> She's aware of it and feels terrible. This isn't about punishing her.


I'm not talking about punishing her I just wouldn't let her blow this Off if she wasn't considering the position she's put you in.

Go to the play, don't punish your daughter for your wife's failings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I'm not talking about punishing her I just wouldn't let her blow this Off if she wasn't considering the position she's put you in.
> 
> Go to the play, don't punish your daughter for your wife's failings
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. It's not punishing her, it's dealing with the consequences of her actions. Both of you will have to suck it up for your daughter's sake.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> My teenage daughter has a small part in a play. We just found out that BOTH male leads are the OM my wife had affairs with. Daughter was very exciting to get a part and took the initiative to audition and win the part. She's aware that her mother dated one of the OM while we were separated, not sure if she knows about the affairs.
> 
> I can either suck it up, and go watch these plays, or ask her to drop out. What would you do?


I would ask her to drop out. Being in a play is all about about making friends. If she works with them in this play, one or both of them may become her friend. She may even have them over to your home or go over to their home to practice lines. What would you do then? This would be very unhealthy for your marriage and your healing. You should have learned by now just how important it is to take actions to protect the love in your marriage. Her being in this play will put your love and marriage at risk. To say otherwise is just as make believe as thinking (before you learned of your wife cheating) that your wife would never cheat. 

Your marriage being happy is far more more important to your daughter's well being than a bit part in a play would ever be. Yes it sucks for your innocent daughter, but it is what it is. If you marriage goes South, your daughter would later resent both of you for allowing her actions to be a factor in it. And remember, when these men cheated with you wife, they were not just hurting you, they were putting your daughter's happiness and well being at risk too. Again, I strongly recommend that you have her drop. It may suck, but it is the right thing to do.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Wife is not trying to blow it off. And I don't see the gain in using this as "you made your bed" kind of a lesson. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone.

This is a moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Daughter is early teens, and doesn't know about the affairs. She know her mother dated one of the men when we were split up. We/She also didn't know he was cast in the play.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One thing you may want to do is contact the OM and make him aware that your daughter is in the play that he is going to be the lead in. This may make it extremely uncomfortable for him to go through with the play considering that he will KNOW that you are going to be watching the play. Just the uncertainty alone of how you will react to watching him on stage with your daughter may give him cause to bow out of the male lead.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How old are these OM?

If they were in affairs with your wife knowing she was married it would make me very uncomfortable to have my young teen daughter around them at all. They are predatory men who may see your daughter as an interesting target given their history with your wife.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Wife is not trying to blow it off. And I don't see the gain in using this as "you made your bed" kind of a lesson. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone.
> 
> This is a *moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters*.


If the question is as simple as putting your needs ahead of your daughters, the answer is simple. We are the parents and as such we should be putting our children's needs ahead of ours. 

As you have stated, she doesn't know the full story, maybe you should tell her. If you are in a smaller town there is a good chance that she will hear about the A from someone else. That information should come from you.

My question is how long ago was the A? Did you guys seek MC and IC to deal with things? Are you still going? If so your C would be able to help you decide if you should tell your daughter, and will help you see if you are strong enough to cope with the demands and triggers from the play.

Do listen to the other posters, sadly they are very knowledgeable in matters relating to infidelity.

Good luck with your decision.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> This is a moral question around putting my own needs first, or putting my daughters.


Both your daughter's needs and your needs align here. When they cheated with your wife they were attacking the happiness of your family which includes your daughter. You need to do what is best to make your marriage work. Your daughter needs your marriage to work. You are only human, her being in the play will introduce many triggers that will harm your healing and marriage.

I do not want to hijack this thread by giving details, but my father allowed me to unknowingly become friendly with the woman that he was cheating with when I was young. When I later found out, it made me sick to my stomach because of all the harm that woman's actions did to my life. I honestly have never really fully forgiven my dad for that.

Although your daughter does not know about the affair right now, she will one day know, and will feel betrayed that you let her make friends with these guys.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ss-
This has nothing to do with your marriage, your wifes affair, its just going to support your kid.

I hate plays, but if it was my kid it would be all about " hey may dad hates plays but he showed up, right on dad"!

My point is supporting your daughter out wieghs the sh1t you and your chick are going through. buy your kid some roses and tell her "to break a leg".

If you can't see this.... about a father showing support for his daughter then you are a blind father. Sorry bro, that just how one dad feels about another dad going through some painful crap in our lives!

When it come to uncondititional love, if any one diserves it, then it is our children.


Who knows POSOM might screw up his lines, now that would be worth the effort of showing up  LOL


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Daughter is early teens, and doesn't know about the affairs. She know her mother dated one of the men when we were split up. We/She also didn't know he was cast in the play.


WTF? A teenager was not told about her mom's serial cheating? Well, she is going to be hurt when she finds out(abd it is almost a certainty that she will).


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> I doubt the creep will react that way at all. He's already fine with it, he knows the whole of the story already.


Most OM are cowards. The play is part of his work. Don't you think that he wants to keep his job?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Arnold said:


> WTF? A teenager was not told about her mom's serial cheating? Well, she is going to be hurt when she finds out(abd it is almost a certainty that she will).


Please spare me the morality and judgements. I asked a simple question: What would you do?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Please spare me the morality and judgements. I asked a simple question: What would you do?


What reason would you give her if you asked her not to participate?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Please spare me the morality and judgements. I asked a simple question: What would you do?


I would tell my kid what happpened and see how she feels.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the rant.
I would would go. Kids dig it when there parent show up for there events.


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

So you're okay with telling her if you decide she shouldn't participate, but you aren't okay with telling her and let her make her own decision? If your daughter is a teenager, then she can probably handle the information coming from you in a safe and secure environment. Finding out after you tell her she isn't allowed to be in a play probably won't end well for any of you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks guys. The right thing to do is to let her do it. Someone asked if I'm able to deal with the triggers and whatnot, and I'll be fine. I'll be grumpy, but it's not anything I can't handle. I'll talk to daughter about it.

Thanks for helping me get clear on this.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

InsecureSecurity said:


> So you're okay with telling her if you decide she shouldn't participate, but you aren't okay with telling her and let her make her own decision? If your daughter is a teenager, then she can probably handle the information coming from you in a safe and secure environment. Finding out after you tell her she isn't allowed to be in a play probably won't end well for any of you.


I agree. If she goes forward with the play, not knowing about this guy, she may be hurt and mortified down the road. You can tell her in an age appropriate way without editorializing about her mom and her actions.

Also, don't you consider this guy sort of predatory? Should he be around your daughter?
How does your wife feel about having a man who was willing to have sex with a married mom, around her girl?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Arnold - That's a really good point. She needs to have enough information to make a decision for herself. 

As for predatory...maybe. You never know what goes on in another persons head. I half-suspect, this is an attempt to reconnect with my wife by the one. But who knows. 

But daughter needs enough info that she doesn't feel betrayed later on in life. It's figuring out what is best to protect her long term.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It is a tough line to walk, the line between telling the truth and not bashing/punishing the wife. Perhaps it would be best coming from your wife.

In my first marriage, my wife serially cheated and I did not tell my son until he was 14 and he asked me directly.
In my second marriage, when my XW moved out to live with the OM, I told my children right away what had happened. I was very concerned about the guy being around my three young daughters and I wanted them to know that they had nothing to do with the divorce.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am going to take a different position. Why in the hell should you have to subject yourself for at least 2 hours looking at the OM? This is my suggestion:
1. Go to the play with your wife.
2. When the lights go down is when you leave and go someplace else.
3. When the curtain goes down for the end of the play or getting near the end of the play have your wife call you.
4. Show up when the play is over.

My personal feeling is that it is unbelievably cruel to make you watch the OM especially with your daughter. What say you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ss-
Grumpy is OK, sleeping is even bourder liner, but the point is you show up to the play. 
Your kid will be up on stage, so bring your ear piece and listen to the game on your smart phone. LOL


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

But if ss leaves the play, who will throw the garabage at him at the end of the play? Who will heckel OM during his lines?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The way I look at it, life has a lot [email protected] you have to just take with a forced smile. Obviously, given the choice I'd pass on this. But my daughter is more important than my comfort. Wife is feeling very anxious about it, doesn't want to go either. She's doing everything right. I'm going to intervene to the degree that my daughter knows the OM is bad guy, and took advantage of a situation where wife was very depressed and vulnerable, but the affair conversation is for my wife and the kids, when she is ready and when they are old enough to deal with it.

This has all been very helpful. Last night I was going to force her to drop out. Today, I've got a plan I'm okay with. Thanks to all for posting.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

BTW: I'd rather be throwing punches AT the garbage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I half-suspect, this is an attempt to reconnect with my wife by the one.


If that is even a possibility, that is a big deal. 



seeking sanity said:


> But daughter needs enough info that she doesn't feel betrayed later on in life. It's figuring out what is best to protect her long term.


Do not get graphic but tell her the whole truth. You should be the one that tells her, since if your wife tells her she will not know if it is the truth.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Go watch your amazing daughter do her thing. 

All the rest is irrelevent. 

I wouldnt mention anything else other than how proud you are of her. 

Let your wife squirm. Dont dignify her mistake with a comment.

I wholeheartedly disagree with any other approach mentioned.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> the affair conversation is for my wife and the kids, when she is ready and when they are old enough to deal with it.


Sorry but I can tell you first hand that is so untrue. It is an impossible conversation for both your wife and the kids. Once the truth of things starts to be said by your wife, they will not trust her or her version of what happened. You need to tell them alone with your wife being available for questions after. 

Also waiting only means that they may find out on their own in an uncontrolled situation like at a party from one of their friends; that would be a cruel way for them to learn about it. You and your wife may feel that you are protecting the kids, but in reality you are only protecting your wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thor said:


> How old are these OM?
> 
> If they were in affairs with your wife knowing she was married it would make me very uncomfortable to have my young teen daughter around them at all. They are predatory men who may see your daughter as an interesting target given their history with your wife.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is truly the creepy part. Can't speak for anyone else but I couldn't handle it. If they could care less about breaking up a family , what wouldn't they do?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Arnold -
> 
> As for predatory...maybe. You never know what goes on in another persons head. I half-suspect, this is an attempt to reconnect with my wife by the one. But who knows.


This is weird. You are saying someone could be manipulating the casting of your daughter to get to/at your wife/daughter/family.

Who in the process has this ability. Are you saying OM could have picked your daughter in the first place? How was she allowed to come into contact with these lowlifes in the first place?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I am amazed that your wife is willing to let her daughter associate with her former lover.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This isn`t about them, it`s about their daughter.

If they let their marital problems affect their daughter as overtly as pulling her from A play she wants to be in then they are being crappy parents.

They just have to suck it up.



> seeking sanity said:
> 
> 
> > This has all been very helpful. Last night I was going to force her to drop out. Today, I've got a plan I'm okay with. Thanks to all for posting.


Which is what they have decided to do.

Well done SS, your daughter is lucky she has a strong father.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Thx tacoma and everyone.

Can we keep the paranoia to a minimum. No one manipulated casting to somehow target my daughter. I live in a small town, the theatre people are mostly the same production to production. This is just a parental dilemma. Nothing more.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Too bad you've chosen not to confront the OM to let him know that his female lead is your daughter and that you and your wife will be watching the play. Would love to see if all of a sudden, the male lead mysteriously gets sick and is unable to perform in the play.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> if you are concerned for her safety with this guy, you could tell her that you have some concerns about her and would like her to keep her interactions with this guy to a minimum and never go to his place, etc. She already knows he dated your wife while you were separated so you can tell her that this situation makes you uncomfortable without having to give additional details.


Actually it is not only "this guy". The wife had affairs with 2 guys in the play and not just the one guy.

This is a small town. With both affair partners in the play with the daughter, odds are very good that tongues will be wagging and that your daughter will be hearing about the affair from either a friend or someone that is not a friend. The decision to let her be in the play is also a decision for her to find out about the affairs. It will just be a matter of who will be telling her first about it. Her parents, her friends or someone that is not a friend.


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