# Any hope?



## Aventura7 (Mar 10, 2018)

My husband and I are both 37 years old and we have three daughters (9, 11, 15). We started dating when we were 15 and married when we were 27. 

Some back ground...In high school we broke up our senior year because he kissed another girl. I took him back a month or so later. We moved in together when we were 19 years old. When we were 20, I found out he was cheating on me so i moved back in with my parents. While we were broken up I had a brief relationship with someone but it didn't last because I wasn't satisfied sexually. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I started talking again to try and work things out. While we were talking I ended up having a one night stand with one of my best friends boyfriends friend. I had only met him once before. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I ended up getting back together shortly after that. I never told him that I slept with that guy, even though he always thought that there was the possibility. When I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter he cheated on me with the same girl he cheated on me when we were 20. I broke up with him and kicked him out. A few months later I took him back and we ended up getting married 2 years later.

About 6 months ago my husband pulled me aside to talk to tell me that he thinks I am cheating on him and that he needs more attention. I disregarded his feelings about me cheating on him because I knew I wasn't. I travel for work one in awhile for a night at a time. After one of my trips, that following Friday I went to dinner and the movies with my girlfriends. While I was out I called my husband to check in and he sounded very depressed. I still went to the movies with my friends instead of coming home. After that it started the ball rolling because he felt as if I didn't care. We talked about it and I apologized and sympathized with him. I should have stayed home and supported my husband. About a month later he asked me about about the guy I had a brief relationship with when we were broken up when we were 20. I denied sleeping with him because I never admitted it to him. The next day or so I ended up admitting that I did sleep with that guy. After that my husband kept questioning as to whether I ever cheated on him and I kept saying I didn't. I ended up admitting to him that I slept with my best friends boyfriends friend. He was not too happy about it since we were talking about getting back together. After that he kept asking me if I cheated on him anymore and I kept lying and saying I didn't even though I did. About a month later I ended up admitting to him that shortly after we started dating when I was 16 I performed oral sex on a guy I just met and the guy happened to be of another race and my husband is totally against that. I don't know what I was thinking when I did that. It was so trashy and I didn't want to do it. I kept telling the guy that i didn't want to and I ended up just doing it. I felt intimidated and pressured into doing it. I was completely ashamed. My husband thinks I wanted to do it because I did it and gave him my pager number afterwards. I really didn't want to go it, but he doesn't believe me. I told him I never did anything with anyone else. He kept say that he didn't believe me and I kept lying to him. A couple of days later I admitted to sleeping with another guy while in high school. He kept saying there has to be more and I kept lying and saying that there wasn't. About a month later of my husband constantly arguing with me that there were more I decides that I was going to admit to take a lie detector test and ended up telling him that when I was 18 I had slept with someone on 3 different occasions. So now he knows everything that I did in high school and shortly after. During the 2 months of me lying my husband has been depressed and has anxiety. I never cheated on him again when we got back together in 2001. I also found out that he slept with two other girls in our senior year of high school that I didn't know about before we got married.

So after admitting everything that we did almost 10 years into our marriage my husband wants to separate from me because he can't get over me performing oral sex on someone of a different race when I was 16. We have had wonderful marriage. We get along great and work as a great team caring for our daughters. We both haven't cheated on each other during our marriage. We did that when we were young and dumb.

Any advice on if there is any hope in making this work?

I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. I know I hurt him by lying because I didn't want to lose him for stuff that I did 20 years ago. He cheated also. He is planning on going to stay at a mutual friend of ours house to see if can help him get past the stuff that I did (primarily the oral sex with someone I didn't know of a different race). He looks at me so disgusted and thinks there is other stuff. Even though I am willing to take a lie detector test. He doesn't want to separate or move out to see if he can get over it all but feels like he has to. These last 10 years have been amazing and I am scared that we are going to end up in divorce because of stuff I did 20 years ago when we were dating on high school.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

This is why transparency in a relationship is so important. I know that you can't change history, but all of the lying and trickle truth only fed his paranoia about whether you are cheating now. There are a lot of people here who have more perspective and will have better advice. For him this all just happened and the movies are playing. "I _denied_ *(lied about)* sleeping with him because I _never admitted_ *(lied about it before)* it to him." This is what he's hearing.

You will likely see responses in basically two camps. One, why should he care what you did before you were married? Two, if he had an expectation or certain understanding, and that was what you've led him to believe all of these years through lies, of course he's upset. He doesn't trust you. The other sounds like an excuse maybe?

My XWW lied to me and I would never trust her again as far as I could throw her, especially with the 40+ lbs she's gained since we divorced. If my GF lied to me, that would be the end of a very nicely developing relationship.

This sounds like a text book case of getting counseling. It's unfortunate that this is only coming to light after having so many years invested. Otherwise you would've dealt with this years ago.

ETA. You blew another guy while you were dating. For me, my XWW screwed OM than had me an hour later. Yuck. I'd bet that this is what he's thinking.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Aventura7 said:


> We have had wonderful marriage.



Please tell me you’re joking. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Aventura7 said:


> We have had wonderful marriage. We get along great and work as a great team caring for our daughters. We both haven't cheated on each other during our marriage. We did that when we were young and dumb.


I think this is your hope. Hope that your H will recognize exactly that. My W and I did stupid and dumb things when we were young, too. None of that matters now. We love each other, we are both victims of cheaters, and have never cheated on each other during our marriage. We are happy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Cromer said:


> You will likely see responses in basically two camps. One, why should he care what you did before you were married? Two, if he had an expectation or certain understanding, and that was what you've led him to believe all of these years through lies, of course he's upset. *He doesn't trust you.* The other sounds like an excuse maybe?


Just to be fair, they've _both_ demonstrated an inability to maintain a monogamous connection - right from the beginning.

I stopped reading after having to wade through all the back and forth cheating in the first paragraph.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Just to be fair, they've _both_ demonstrated an inability to maintain a monogamous connection - right from the beginning.
> 
> I stopped reading after having to wade through all the back and forth cheating in the first paragraph.


How long have you known that she slept with two girls during his senior year?

Ya, I had to go back an look, it was hard to read. But she didn't say that he lied about any of it during the marriage?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Yes you and him did a lot of stuff when you were
young and dumb. Many people do, in high school.
I would try and work on your marriage and if needed 
IC. This is not just about you and him anymore you have three
daughters.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Too much lying. Probably not a lot of hope. You need trust in a relationship. 

Plus your husband is a racist, just saying.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

They broke up during part of their senior year, maybe he hooked up with the two girls then?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There is just way too much infidelity on both of your parts all through your life together to even remotely make me think that either of you are serious about it's continuation!*


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## Aventura7 (Mar 10, 2018)

It wasn't when we were broken up. I didn't know about it til recently when we were talking about my infidelity while we were in high school.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

So much lying and cheating and all this from the moment your relationship started. You both need IC and maybe MC. It sounds like many wrong things were done in the past on both sides of this marriage, the problem is it seem like your husband is unable to get over your betrayal which is pretty rich considering he’s had his hand in the cookie jar more times than he should have in this marriage.


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## Aventura7 (Mar 10, 2018)

*Should I Initiate a Separation?*

My husband and I are both 37 years old, we have 3 children (9, 11, 15) and we have been married for almost 10 years. We have been dating since we were 15 years old and broke up a few times between while we were dating. I apologize for the long story. 

When we were in high school we both cheated on each other a few times. My husband never found out back then because I never told him. Fast forward to 6 months ago, my husband had feelings that I was cheating on him since I travel a little bit for work. I wasn't cheating on him and haven't since right out of high school so I brushed it off. He started getting depressed and he brought up my past and I ended up admitting to him that I cheated on him in high school and over a two month period I ended up telling him everything that I did because he was so adamant about wanting to know everything. Since telling him everything he has became extremely depressed, lost about 40 lbs, missed a lot of work and has became extremely angry with me because of one of the instances. Since I performed oral sex on someone of a different race he cannot get over it. Even though he cheated on me to back then. I have been extremely patient because I want my marriage to work. I know that I caused his depression, but he has been very mean and can't let the past remain in the past. We have had a great life since we both grew up and having kids and we both can't imagine ourselves with anyone else. I want my husband back. He has changed so much over this ordeal. He has mentioned divorce quite a few times but has told me that he doesn't want to leave me. He says that I am the person he loves the most and hates the most. That he doesn't know how to turn the corner to cope with what I did. I had him admitted to the hospital and a psych ward for a few days because he was really angry and talked about hurting me and himself. He is on depression medicine to help him, but it's not helping at all. This is not him at all and I feel horrible for what I did when I was 16 and that it has caused him so much grief 21 years later. I just want our life back, but it's not anywhere in sight. 

I have really been contemplating a separation because I can't take the outbursts anymore. He is so consumed with the details and also will make remarks in front of our kids to make me look like the bad guy for us not getting along and his depression. I feel horrible because of what I did caused his depression but I can't continue to love like this. I want to continue to support him even though I am the cause of it all. I feel like if I walk away I am a horrible wife that doesn't care, even though I care about his happiness. I want him to get better whether or not he wants to be with me.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

*Re: Should I Initiate a Separation?*

I don't know that your husbands situation is entirely your fault. It sounds like he was having insecurity issues which developed into depression before you spilled all the beans. Assuming he had no reason to believe you were cheating on him on work trips, it sounds like these issues were under the surface and would have blown up anyway eventually. Yes the finding out might have sped the surfacing but It seems like this is a mental illness. Some anger and sadness over this is an understandable, normal reaction. But falling into a serious depression and the angry behavior seems irrational given all the facts you have presented.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

*Re: Should I Initiate a Separation?*

I'm going to do some speculating here based on very limited info, so take it for what it's worth. I'm guessing since you guys have been dating since you were kids, your husband hasn't given too much consideration to you as a sexual being outside of sex with him. This discovery that you are has really overloaded his system. 

Again just speculating, but by the way you describe it I think he finds this discovery highly threatening but shamefully erotic at the same time. Why fixate on you going down on someone of another race vs anything else that happened if that is not tapping into some primal fantasy for him? Why even care this much at all if it happened 20 years ago when you were teenagers and he cheated too? I think there's more to it than just being mad you cheated. 

I think he has no idea what to do with all these overwhelming and contradictory feelings he has about all this. He needs therapy to sort it out and you need marriage counseling together too. Is there a middle ground plan in the meantime? Like maybe you and the kids go stay with a relative until you can get to a safe place in your relationship through counseling?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Should I Initiate a Separation?*



Townes said:


> I think he has no idea what to do with all these overwhelming and contradictory feelings he has about all this. He needs therapy to sort it out and you need marriage counseling together too. Is there a middle ground plan in the meantime? Like maybe you and the kids go stay with a relative until you can get to a safe place in your relationship through counseling?





OP Title said:


> Should I Initiate a Separation?


Yes, you have to keep safe. This can escalate without warning. I agree that he has no clue what to do with his emotions, he needs professional help to sort through this and recognize these things have nothing to do with today or the future.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: Should I Initiate a Separation?*

Honestly i can't see separation will improve your marriage if anything i think he will only more depressed thinking that you will be with other men. has he told you the extent of his transgressions?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Should I Initiate a Separation?*

Listen, separating never help people work on the marriage. Never. 

Now, if his AD meds are not helping, then they are not the right meds or the right dosage. And if he is taking some type of standard AD meds and he is actually Bi-polar at any level, they won't help at all. 

If he has not already, he need to see a really good doc with experience with all types of depression and other mental illnesses. 

Next, you are doing the classic cheater speak, which is "Why can't he get over it". Well he can't, even if he cheated. To him it is just like you cheated yesterday, regardless of the years. 

Read the thread here about what men go through when infidelity strikes. 

Also, you are being insensitive to her right now. You see, years ago, you had time to get over his cheating, be he did not know about yours. You knew about your cheating and you knew about his. 

So you have had years to deal with all of it. YOU NEED TO REALIZE THIS NOW, or file for divorce. 

Further, are you SURE that you have never slept with anyone for a ONS and a little excitement since you have been married? Really, I mean who would know, right? We need to know this truthful answer. 

Why did your H start to have suspicions about you? Were you chatting with a coworker, going to lunch, any type of emotional affair? At ALL?

Now, your H does not believe that you did not sleep with the (I am guessing black guy) of another race. He thinks that you went whole hog. 

Then there is the fact that, I guess you, screwed some other guys as well, you did not specify. 

Bottom line: 1) for him it happened yesterday. 2) His image of you and his love for you is shattered, and it just happened for him 3) The racial issue, while unsavory these days, is what it is. 

Now, be fully warned... If you have had any, of any kind, other issues of infidelity since marriage, traveling or what ever... If you want to save your marriage, you have to confess. 

When men get a feeling that their wives are cheating, whether or not they can prove it, are almost always right. 

Is any of this getting though to you?????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Only one thread on a topic. I merged your two threads into this one.


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