# to say i do or not



## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Hi. My fiancee lives on the opposite side of town 5 mins from each of his adult children. He has spoken of selling his house these last 9 months but has done nothing to get it ready for sale. I need to live the opposite side of town to where his house is. He doesn't appear to be able to cut loose from his close proximity to his kids. He has suggested we rent together which would mean he would keep his house and we couldn't then buy a home. Is this fair? I have my share oof a home. Been in limbo 9 months waiting for him to progress with his sale and no closer to it. I've become annoyed, don't wish to be engaged to marry him until he can make a committed proposal with concrete plans. He talks of marriage all the time but its like a pie in the sky. I feel he is really hoping I will just set a date and when married have to move into his home which is very problematic.
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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why do you need to live on the other end of town? What kinds of problems would there be for you to move in with him? 
Why not live together before you actually marry?


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I look after my elderly mother who resides near me. She won't move from her home, just underwent cancer surgery and requires lots of help. My employment is this side as is my fiancées' so it makes sense all round to live over here. Live together? We could, unmarried, but where is the question. His home is 50 minutes away,non peak hour. Problem is its too far to travel back each day to my mother.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Trouble is as well that i think I've lost respect for him. The ***** footing around has put me in limbo, I could have bought a home myself, instead of paying taxes on the money and dead rent. I'm stubborn. I refuse to totally pay for the roof over our heads while he keeps his house. I believe he should cough up half and he can't without selling his house. Any opinions?
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My view is that the moving to your side of town makes the most sense. It's close to both of your places of employment and your mother needs your help while his adult kids are presumably in good health and can easily make the drive to see him and vice versa.

If it were me, I would explain my feelings on the subject and give him a deadline to make a decision and act on it or the relationship ends.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> Trouble is as well that i think I've lost respect for him. The ***** footing around has put me in limbo, I could have bought a home myself, instead of paying taxes on the money and dead rent. I'm stubborn. I refuse to totally pay for the roof over our heads while he keeps his house. I believe he should cough up half and he can't without selling his house. Any opinions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if he were to rent the house he owns to someone else and then uses the rent money to pay toward the mortgage to make up for not being able to come up with a down payment? For example, you each need to put down $20,000 and he cannot spare more than $2000, leaving $18,000 to be paid. His rental home is going for $1000 a month (assuming no mortgage) and his property taxes plus insurance are $300 a month. He pays 700 a month toward the mortgage until he has put in his $18,000. Of course, this is just an example. I'm sure the real numbers would be much different.

If you did it that way, you could buy a house together and have extra income/assets. If anything goes wrong and the situation changes, you could always have him move back into his home and you could either sell the joint house and split the profits or buy him out.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Thanks for your response mjjean. He doesn't wish to rent his house. It gives him a place near his kids which he can go back to weekends to maintain. Its about connection and still being near them.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

He still has a mortgage for half the property value so by keeping it and not renting it out he would be short on a mortgage payment... His share of a house we purchase together 
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> Thanks for your response mjjean. He doesn't wish to rent his house. It gives him a place near his kids which he can go back to weekends to maintain. Its about connection and still being near them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he won't rent or sell the house and you cannot abandon your mother during her recovery, what about putting the whole thing on hold until she has fully recovered?

Not my favorite idea, honestly, because it's entirely possible that your mother could relapse, never fully recover, or be stricken by another serious illness and she may need you in the future. Not to mention, I am not a fan of wasting time on a relationship that isn't "going anywhere". 

Somethings gotta give, though, to end this stalemate


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

He doesn't seem to be crunching numbers and facts. Its more about being near his kids. Hence, my indecision about him and wondering what views others would give.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

My mothers cancer is ongoing. Tumors will regrow and require removal periodically with a down time recovery period each time. I told him before I agreed to marry him that I had to reside this side to look after her. Think you are right. Need a deadline then I move on
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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

You can't fault the guy for wanting to be near his kids. You want to be near your mother, same thing.

You want to own a house and stop paying rent, then go buy a house, don't look to him to solve those issues.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I'm sorry but my take on this is neither of you are ready to marry.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Can you buy an investment property with your money in your name, he keeps his in his name then you rent together somewhere in the middle. Travel time gets cut down to 25 mins which is nothing really. Live together to see if the relationship is worth it then in time sell both your investments to buy together.

You either solve this or move on. Sounds like you both have good reason to stay near family but neither are willing to compromise in order to build a life together.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How old are his children? Why does he need to be 5 minutes away from them?

Personally, I would be reconsidering whether marriage is the right thing for this relationship. Do you _need _to be married? Can you continue your relationship without marriage? Because he is showing you through his actions how he really feels about moving, and I suspect that even if he does move at some point, he won't be happy about it and could hold it over your head the sacrifice he made.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

header said:


> You can't fault the guy for wanting to be near his kids. You want to be near your mother, same thing.
> 
> You want to own a house and stop paying rent, then go buy a house, don't look to him to solve those issues.


I can buy a house having already sold mine, with no mortgage. But should he live in a home I put all the money up for when he wont contribute simply because he cant bring himself to cut apron strings and move? I have 3 children, I can drive to see them and visa versa. I simply would like him to do what he originally said he would do when he proposed. I feel disappointed.
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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have every right to be disappointed. Be grateful that he showed his real side before marrying. He's already reneging on promises. Your life would probably be hell with him trying to stick his nose into his kids' every activity.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

norajane said:


> How old are his children? Why does he need to be 5 minutes away from them?
> 
> Personally, I would be reconsidering whether marriage is the right thing for this relationship. Do you _need _to be married? Can you continue your relationship without marriage? Because he is showing you through his actions how he really feels about moving, and I suspect that even if he does move at some point, he won't be happy about it and could hold it over your head the sacrifice he made.


Ages 21 to 28. I suggested buying my own home, living there and him staying in his own. Because he works this side of town he believed he should live with me to save on travel time. He won't contribute, this is my issue, he cant have his cake and eat it too. I wont put a roof over a mans head when he can contribute if he truly wanted to.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I have a meeting with him this morning. A week ago he asked me to take a third party perspective to view his feelings of missing me because we don't see each other each day, which if we lived together we would. I haven't seen him all week by choice, I've suggested that marriage may be wrong under the circumstances. Today, I need to make a decision. We seem to be going nowhere, our original plans have fallen by the wayside. Its either I do or goodbye. He won't accept a happy medium of living separately forever.
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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

confused64 said:


> I can buy a house having already sold mine, with no mortgage. But should he live in a home I put all the money up for when he wont contribute simply because he cant bring himself to cut apron strings and move?


If you purchase the home, he should pay you a fixed amount each month towards expenses that is agreed upon beforehand.

I live with my girlfriend, I sold my condo to move in with her, and I pay her $1200 per month which is what it cost me to live there. 

In this case since he's not selling his home you need to come up with another way of determining a reasonable "rent".


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

For starters, I would definitely put off any plans of marrying him.

My advice is to move ahead with your own real estate purchase, whatever is most beneficial for you. If he wants to keep the relationship and eventually marry you, he will sell his house and move in with you (at which point he can reimburse for his share of the down-payment and the house can be re-fied in both names). If he stays put in his own house, you'll have your answer.

Under no circumstances would I allow him to freeload at your house while still keeping his other house (unless you just want to go on dating).

But honestly, I wouldn't want to be involved in ANY real estate dealings with someone who is this flaky, let alone be married to him. Better to have your own property and your own financial security. He seems very unreliable.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hang on, so you are saying he won't move away from his kids if it means selling his house but he will move away from them if you buy a house and he gets to live in it? OK now it sounds like it has little to do with his kids and everything to do with freeloading. If that is the case you are not dealing with a man of value and character. Plenty more out there, maybe you have had a lucky save by finding out now what he is really like.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Holland said:


> Hang on, so you are saying he won't move away from his kids if it means selling his house but he will move away from them if you buy a house and he gets to live in it? OK now it sounds like it has little to do with his kids and everything to do with freeloading. If that is the case you are not dealing with a man of value and character. Plenty more out there, maybe you have had a lucky save by finding out now what he is really like.


I'd like to believe he isn't a free loader lol. He is a generous man. It is more about his kids and maintaining the home on top of them than using me financially, although it may seem the other way. I don't believe he can pay his mortgage as well as rent to me. In any case he believes our money is a joint pool so paying me rent wouldn't fit in his thinking.
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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How much of his money are you seeing? Have you already combined finances?


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I only know what he tells me with regards to his mortgage. Haven't combined finances but he says its one big pool and doesn't matter who pays for what. I'm a bit different. Cautious, only 10 years of working life left and can't risk losing it all or making stupid mistakes.
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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

confused64 said:


> I only know what he tells me with regards to his mortgage. Haven't combined finances but he says its one big pool and doesn't matter who pays for what. I'm a bit different. Cautious, only 10 years of working life left and can't risk losing it all or making stupid mistakes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're not being cautious enough.

Ask to see his finances, after all marriage is a business agreement loosely disguised as some sort of loving bond between two people who make promises that are usually broken.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your mom will need ongoing help. His adult kids are presumably healthy. An hour drive isn't that big of a deal once a week or so. Not to mention there are cell phones, Facebook, Skype, etc. He doesn't need to keep that house to stay connected to his adult children. He wants to keep that house. And it is breaking the agreement you made when you agreed to marry him. 

Yeah, tell him he has until X date to make something concrete happen or it's over. That is, if you don't decide to end it due to the broken agreement.
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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Money is only joint if you're both contributing or you have an agreement. You have neither. 

You have a man with a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is joint" mentality. Generosity is easy when you're getting the better end of the deal.

I'd pass on this one.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Well we had our meeting, talked for ages. Hasn't made a time frame commitment to sell his house but wants to set a wedding date. I cant be married and living on a different side of town to him. I suggested I buy a unit to cover me instead of renting and when he eventually sells that i would rent the unit out and buy another home with him. He wants to buy a home with me now with him raising a mortgage and continue to also pay the mortgage on his own home. His job is not secure so he runs the risk of not being able to cover both mortgages. So much easier to sell his house and put his equity in with my half and not have any mortgage one would think. Told him I cant sit in limbo paying rent and losing money while I await him selling. He has months of work to do on his house to get it suitable for sale. Considering he has done nothing in 9 months despite originally planning to is it fair to upset him by just buying my own place? He's making me feel badly for needing to move forward, yet he does little to contribute with sound financial thought.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> How much of his money are you seeing? Have you already combined finances?


I don't see his money. I was injured a year ago, still off work on income protection which barely covers my rent. I live on my house funds. If I bought my own home I wouldn't be paying rent and could survive on my limited income until I return to work. As I am I am losing money fast and real estate prices are inflating.I've been waiting and waiting for him to sell to combine funds. He has his home, has a job. I'm being crippled waiting for him to do what he said he would do.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad because he refuses to do what he agreed to do.

Also, the more I read from you, the more my Spidey senses tingle. If I were you, I'd seriously investigate his finances. Deep and detailed. I'm starting to suspect there is more going on. 

He wants you to basically marry him, buy him a house he can live in, contribute little or nothing to, while working an unstable job and putting his money toward his own home across town whete no one lives other than when he goes there on weekends? 

I'd leave the relationship, but if you're going to stay with him I'd suggest buying your home BEFORE you marry him so that if the marriage ends the home is not marital property and he cannot make any claim to it.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> I don't see his money. I was injured a year ago, still off work on income protection which barely covers my rent. I live on my house funds. If I bought my own home I wouldn't be paying rent and could survive on my limited income until I return to work. As I am I am losing money fast and real estate prices are inflating.I've been waiting and waiting for him to sell to combine funds. He has his home, has a job. I'm being crippled waiting for him to do what he said he would do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was replying when you posted this. 

You are financially crippling yourself and putting your future financial security at risk waiting for a man who has done absolutely nothing that he agreed he would do. Why?

He claims he wants to marry you, but he's not willing to do what is required to make that happen. This tells you two things. 1) you are clearly not his first priority and 2) he is the kind who will make promises/agreements and then not follow through.

I assume he knows your financial situation and he isn't doing anything to help or even make it easier for you. He sounds more and more like an entitled selfish such and such.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Yes he has known for the last year that I'm losing money waiting for him to sell. One thing I didn't mention is that he married 6 years ago, bought a different home and asked 2 of his children to live with them. marriage ended after the children destroyed it, her words were that he would always put his kids needs before the marriage. He bought where he is after his divorce, choose a house on top of his other children and brought the 2 kids back who contributed to his divorce. One aged 27 still lives with him and has supposedly been told a year ago that he wants to sell to marry. I feel this is a stumbling block. The lad doesn't work much and relies on his father for handouts. I didn't ask him to sacrifice his sons accommodation. He said it had been discussed with his son and his son had planned to move anyway.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I was replying when you posted this.
> 
> You are financially crippling yourself and putting your future financial security at risk waiting for a man who has done absolutely nothing that he agreed he would do. Why?
> 
> ...


He does not know how much money I have. I have purposely not given a figure as I got burned years ago by another who used me. I was seen as a bank account.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> Yes he has known for the last year that I'm losing money waiting for him to sell. One thing I didn't mention is that he married 6 years ago, bought a different home and asked 2 of his children to live with them. marriage ended after the children destroyed it, her words were that he would always put his kids needs before the marriage. He bought where he is after his divorce, choose a house on top of his other children and brought the 2 kids back who contributed to his divorce. One aged 27 still lives with him and has supposedly been told a year ago that he wants to sell to marry. I feel this is a stumbling block. The lad doesn't work much and relies on his father for handouts. I didn't ask him to sacrifice his sons accommodation. He said it had been discussed with his son and his son had planned to move anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. Just....wow. Those bits about the 27 year old still living with him and the ex wife's warning?

Run, Confused, RUN!


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Yes mjjean, its a scary one. Thank you for talking with me. I need help badly, I'm so confused
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> He does not know how much money I have. I have purposely not given a figure as I got burned years ago by another who used me. I was seen as a bank account.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're losing money you may never be able to replace waiting for this man to make his adult kid move the hell out and to then spend months on end fixing up the house to spend more time waiting for it to sell and to be closed on.

And why the heck aren't he and said 27 year old who lives there working on the house right now?? Why haven't they been working on it all along?? If he really intended to sell they'd have been making updates and repairs while living there, either DIY or using workmen.

He's already had 9 months and has done nothing with that time. He honestly probably has no desire to sell the house and no plan to sell the house. He's going to hold on to that house for the adult kid currently living there and for the other kids and for himself, just in case.

Make the most financially sound decision for you. Buy yourself a house. If he ever gets his life and priorities straight, you can always reevaluate.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I said to him today that if he feels he needs to keep a home there for his son it I okay. I would not expect him to evict him. That when he said he would raise another loan to buy with me. I suggested he remain where he is, providing a roof over his sons head and near his other children and i would buy my own place, later down the track I would rent it out when he had sold. He wasn't happy with that idea at all.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

He hasn't made his son stand on his own two feet. He feels an obligation to provide for his son but also needs a relationship and is pushing for a marriage date with nothing to offer.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> Yes mjjean, its a scary one. Thank you for talking with me. I need help badly, I'm so confused
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know they say that when you marry someone, you are marrying them, not their <insert nutty family member>. I have also heard it said that when you marry someone, you DO marry their family.

I think in your case, you marry him and you're marrying his adult kids, too. As in, they will probably at some point be living with you or they will be living in the house that he pays for while you pay for everything else in your shared home. And I believe that should any conflict between you and his adult kids arise, he will side with the adult kids, no questions asked.

Marrying this man isn't like marrying a typical man with grown children. He will always treat them as one would expect a parent to treat a very young child in terms of who's needs and wants come first. Your physical, emotional, psychological, and financial needs will always play second fiddle to his kids. Always. He'd bankrupt you to give his kid a luxury item. He'd leave you on the side of the road to rush to their sides for even a small crisis they should be able to handle on their own. It's just they way he is.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I feel from what I have heard and seen that you are right. His son wanted to go overseas twice, saved little, so my fiancee funded it on both occasions. He needs to make his kids happy. But at what cost?
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

So if his son wont get proper work and become independent renting the home isn't even an option. It will sit, with mortgage, while he tries every unsatisfactory method he can to have his cake and eat it too
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

When he isn't with me on weekdays he seeks out his kids, hates being alone. I study week nights as my current employment is becoming more difficult for me to return to. He hates my study time, he says he feels ill when he has to go home each day. So, instead of repairing his home he chases down his kids. I worked each day and went home to a paintbrush every day to paint my home to sell. Why cant he fill in his time working towards our future. I had an outing with college friends to discuss our studies last week. His response"I might get on the internet and find some girls to go out with". I flipped and he said it was a joke, surprised I was offended. A few days earlier he asked who else I had had in my bed. He can't handle being alone without me or his kids around him.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

My youngest son aged 21 resides with me. He's a forth year university student who also works in my eldest sons business. He pays board, is independent and responsible in all ways, never borrowed a cent off me. One night he enquired about dinner. If I don't cook a joint meal he cooks his own so he enquires about whether im cooking or if he gets his own. My fiancee said I should use the time with him that night to discuss our living arrangements as its time my son took on a house mate attitude. I was astounded given that he is always giving 2 of his kids money, collecting no board, buys their clothes, cleans up after them and pays their bills and holidays. Self centred man! Such a kind, gentle man with no understanding of what he does.  I think I've made a mistake by becoming engaged.
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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Anyone reading this is possibly going to say "get the hell out of it". I feel I just need outside opinion, before I let go, to make certain there is no hope of a future and no logical way around the situation. I thank all who have commented, your words have given me things to consider. A special thanks to mjjean, you have made sense and put extra time into trying to help me. 😊
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> I feel from what I have heard and seen that you are right. His son wanted to go overseas twice, saved little, so my fiancee funded it on both occasions. He needs to make his kids happy. But at what cost?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently, at any cost. He's already lost one wife over it.



confused64 said:


> So if his son wont get proper work and become independent renting the home isn't even an option. It will sit, with mortgage, while he tries every unsatisfactory method he can to have his cake and eat it too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. And you'll be paying for all or most of that cake. If he has you to make ends meet, do you honestly think he won't increase spending on his grown kids?



confused64 said:


> When he isn't with me on weekdays he seeks out his kids, hates being alone. I study week nights as my current employment is becoming more difficult for me to return to. He hates my study time, he says he feels ill when he has to go home each day. So, instead of repairing his home he chases down his kids. I worked each day and went home to a paintbrush every day to paint my home to sell. Why cant he fill in his time working towards our future. I had an outing with college friends to discuss our studies last week. His response"I might get on the internet and find some girls to go out with". I flipped and he said it was a joke, surprised I was offended. A few days earlier he asked who else I had had in my bed. He can't handle being alone without me or his kids around him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds extremely insecure, immature, passive aggressive, and overly attached to his adult children. 




confused64 said:


> My youngest son aged 21 resides with me. He's a forth year university student who also works in my eldest sons business. He pays board, is independent and responsible in all ways, never borrowed a cent off me. One night he enquired about dinner. If I don't cook a joint meal he cooks his own so he enquires about whether im cooking or if he gets his own. My fiancee said I should use the time with him that night to discuss our living arrangements as its time my son took on a house mate attitude. I was astounded given that he is always giving 2 of his kids money, collecting no board, buys their clothes, cleans up after them and pays their bills and holidays. Self centred man! Such a kind, gentle man with no understanding of what he does.  I think I've made a mistake by becoming engaged.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're starting to understand how low you fall on his list of priorities, imagine how low your son must be on that list.

I don't see anything wrong with letting your son live at home while he finishes college considering he is working, paying rent, and caring for himself. He's basically a responsible roommate who happens to be your son. 

I also think you made a mistake getting engaged to this man.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

He lost 2 wives including the mother of his children. I'm very low on his priority list when his kids are around. Whilst my mother was in hospital, day after surgery, I received a call from the hospital. Was also on a call to him, told him it was the hospital and asked if I could put him on hold as I needed to make sure mum was okay. He agreed. 1 minute into the hospital call I heard him disconnect. I called him back thinking his phone had cut out. Nope... His daughter drove down the driveway so he hung up. She still hasn't got out of the car when I called him back. Very low, I am, on his priority list, his kids will always be first, when I believe people should prioritize according to the current situation.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

confused64 said:


> He lost 2 wives including the mother of his children. I'm very low on his priority list when his kids are around. Whilst my mother was in hospital, day after surgery, I received a call from the hospital. Was also on a call to him, told him it was the hospital and asked if I could put him on hold as I needed to make sure mum was okay. He agreed. 1 minute into the hospital call I heard him disconnect. I called him back thinking his phone had cut out. Nope... His daughter drove down the driveway so he hung up. She still hasn't got out of the car when I called him back. *Very low, I am, on his priority list, his kids will always be first, when I believe people should prioritize according to the current situation.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. 

Seems like your options are to accept this is how it is and marry him knowing what you're getting into, continue dating and stay independent (including buying a house as soon as you can), or end the relationship.

I wouldn't recommend the first option.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I agree.
> 
> Seems like your options are to accept this is how it is and marry him knowing what you're getting into, continue dating and stay independent (including buying a house as soon as you can), or end the relationship.
> 
> I wouldn't recommend the first option.


I have to agree. To marry him I think my life would end up miserable. Thank you mjjean 😊
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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

I imagine if you told him you want a proper pre-nup, drawn up by an attorney and tax professional he would go crazy, claiming you don't love him, have someone else in your bed and his other insane comments.

Rub, my dear, run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.

IamSomebody


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Here is another outside opinion, run like the wind! You ARE a bank account.

The remarks about your son should have sealed the deal; I know you don't want to kick this man to the curb, but others have already seen the light. Let them lead you toward that light.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

confused64 said:


> I have to agree. To marry him I think my life would end up miserable. Thank you mjjean &#55357;&#56842;
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you'd be a lot happier on your own, or with someone else who would actually consider you a priority.

This guy would not be able to have a good marriage with anyone. Don't be the third woman who makes the mistake of marrying him.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

confused64 said:


> He does not know how much money I have. I have purposely not given a figure as *I got burned years ago by another who used me. I was seen as a bank account.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP, the real problem here isn't your boyfriend. It's YOU. You've already been taken advantage of by a man in your past who "viewed you as a bank account." Now, you've been taken advantage of by your current boyfriend by wasting time and money waiting around for him when you could have been in your own new place a year ago, saving lots of money.

What is the common denominator? It's you.

Why do you keep picking men who want to sponge off of you?

My advice is to get some counseling and stay single for awhile.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Do you ever go with him on these weekend trips to see the kids? I mean, I'm just throwing this out there, but ... what's the chance there's another reason he wants a house on the other side of town from you?


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> Do you ever go with him on these weekend trips to see the kids? I mean, I'm just throwing this out there, but ... what's the chance there's another reason he wants a house on the other side of town from you?


For nearly 2 years our arrangement was to spend every alternate weekend at his home. I moved into another rental in August so we remained at my place weekends while I settled in. Since then I have been on hand helping my mother so most weekends have been on my side of town and he is home at his place during the week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> OP, the real problem here isn't your boyfriend. It's YOU. You've already been taken advantage of by a man in your past who "viewed you as a bank account." Now, you've been taken advantage of by your current boyfriend by wasting time and money waiting around for him when you could have been in your own new place a year ago, saving lots of money.
> 
> What is the common denominator? It's you.
> 
> ...


When everyone tells me how wonderful a man he is it has made me question my thoughts. People, including family, are not aware of my dilemmas so yes, my problem is me, I'm swayed by all the people saying good of him despite evidence that he is selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

All the people saying good of him don't live with him and don't share finances with him. This man is ridiculously immature. Do you really want a man clinging to your ankles while you're trying to go to the grocery store? The fact that he cannot be alone is reason enough to kick him to the curb.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confused64 said:


> I'd like to believe he isn't a free loader lol. He is a generous man. It is more about his kids and maintaining *the home on top of them than* using me financially, although it may seem the other way. I don't believe he can pay his mortgage as well as rent to me. In any case he believes our money is a joint pool so paying me rent wouldn't fit in his thinking.


A home on top of them? Does this mean that they live in the same building as he does?

How long does it take to commute from his side of town to where you life?

How long to commute from where you live to your work?


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> A home on top of them? Does this mean that they live in the same building as he does?
> 
> How long does it take to commute from his side of town to where you life?
> 
> How long to commute from where you live to your work?


3 adult children live in the adjoining suburb, one also with him. When i said he lives on top of his kids I meant that in a big city with many suburbs he choses to live on a main road where they pass by each day, always in each others pockets.

His drive to my place is 50 minutes from his home in a northerly direction. Its a further 20 minutes drive passed my place, further north to both our places of employment. In peak hour traffic the drive is an extra half hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

Rightly so I confirmed with him today that I will not set a wedding date. Told him to finish renovations by march 30, 2016 as the date previously given by him, and put the house on the market as he stated he would. An hour later he suggests booking a cruise in march. Told him a blunt "no, you only have x amount of weekends to paint your house inside and out, clean up the acreage, cull clutter and do repairs". I put the cat amongst the pigeons to show him I'm going to walk away with disgust. He appeared worried about selling and said he would need to plan ahead, to set dates for his kids to visit when he moves otherwise he feels they won't make effort to see him. So what did I gain? Lots of hesitation from him, fear his kids won't visit, concern he won't make enough profit on his house, more concerned about his making profit than the loss of $ I am encountering by renting, saying we need to discuss the type of home we would purchase before he does anything, which area, has to have room to house his 3 vehicles, a large shed, large block of land, prefers a view, prefers highset, verandas, etc. His home is shabby, falling apart, on overrun acreage, busy noisy main road, 10 minutes drive to any shop, no where near a park, beach, area is hot as hell in summer,freezing cold in winter, honestly its not worth keeping. But, he came up with every excuse under the sun to stall. It's been a lesson to me, he never had any intention to sell it. I'm learning. 😊
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OMG, this is just going from bad to worse. Why waste anymore time on him -- giving him lists of chores to prep his house for sale, listening to him droning on about what kind of property he wants, all the while he is unable or unwilling to cut the creepy apron strings with his kids.

Please ditch this guy now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't you see that this guy is all about him? He could have been discussing his perfect home with you all along. For all of his howling about setting wedding dates, he sure seems to be dragging his heels. Could be that he was just stringing you along so he wouldn't have to be alone on weekends.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

confused64 said:


> Yes he has known for the last year that I'm losing money waiting for him to sell. One thing I didn't mention is that he married 6 years ago, bought a different home and asked 2 of his children to live with them. marriage ended after the children destroyed it, her words were that he would always put his kids needs before the marriage. He bought where he is after his divorce, choose a house on top of his other children and brought the 2 kids back who contributed to his divorce. One aged 27 still lives with him and has supposedly been told a year ago that he wants to sell to marry. I feel this is a stumbling block. The lad doesn't work much and relies on his father for handouts. I didn't ask him to sacrifice his sons accommodation. He said it had been discussed with his son and his son had planned to move anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. Im sorry to say this, but you need to end things with this man. This is seriously screwed up, and you will be dealing with this fvckery for the rest of your life if you marry him.


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

I wanted to upset him, to give him a dose of being told what to do, to put demands on him and see his agitation. I know he was not worth the energy but it felt so good to give him some of his own attitude back. With each excuse rolling off his tongue my disgust grew, but it felt good to have the strength to unnerve his arrogant, selfish attitude and give him a new set of game rules. My last conversation with him. I've been laughing ever since about how it played out. Goodbye does feel good, it's been 2 years too late. 😊 renaming myself content64. Lol thanks all !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused64 (Dec 11, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow. Im sorry to say this, but you need to end things with this man. This is seriously screwed up, and you will be dealing with this fvckery for the rest of your life if you marry him.


Great link 3xnocharm, says it all. Tks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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