# How to Be Ok When Your Husband Admitted He Cheated?



## Roshi (Jun 14, 2020)

I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied. 

Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.

Now back to present, to be honest I did appreciate that he told me the truth. But it is so hard for me to cope. To not think that he will do it again or what if he comes in a situation where there's temptation. 

I forgave him and didn't argue, but the hardest part is forgetting.

How can I forget?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You have to accept that you won't forget.

The most you can do is work through it.

Have you two been to counseling?

Individual counseling for the both of you and couples or marital counseling for you as a team?


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## Roshi (Jun 14, 2020)

We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.

I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Roshi said:


> We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.
> 
> I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.


There are online resources and counseling you can both partake in and it would be very discreet.

There are also a lot of books available to download to help you both with recovering from infidelity.

There are a lot of things he can do to help you and it is his responsibility to help you heal from how he hurt you anyway.

You shouldn't be doing this alone.

I will try and look up a couple of good books and post the links unless another person beats me to it.


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## Roshi (Jun 14, 2020)

I'm not sure if he's going to be open to that because he wants to end the discussion. When I told him I forgive him he expects me to move on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Roshi said:


> I'm not sure if he's going to be open to that because he wants to end the discussion. When I told him I forgive him he expects me to move on.


He is wrong. Working on reconciliation and the damage his terrible behavior inflicted is not something you just get over.

It takes work. He apparently thinks very much of himself and I can't say I'm impressed with him as a man at all.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The crappy truth is that you will _never_ forget, and trust me, you don't want to. I know that sounds ridiculous. Of course you want to forget all about it! The memories, knowledge, worries, and triggers SUCK. Wouldn't it be nice to push the erase button and move on with your life? Sure, it _sounds_ nice but it's really not what you want. Attempting to forget is a guaranteed way to be hurt again.

You are so, so early into this news and process. You can move past it, with or without your husband, but it will take time, patience, and work. If you move forward with your husband then it will take a lot of work on his part as well. Right now, it doesn't seem like he is willing to put in that work. Maybe he just needs a wake up call and, like you, thinks it can just 'go away". Wouldn't that be nice... 

You should not allow your husband to dump this "news" on you, then expect you to just forget about it and move on. He wants you to rug sweep and you cannot allow that to be an option. The ONS needs to be properly dealt with, and I hate to say this but... there is a chance that you only have the tip of the iceberg here. Your husband has proven that he is a liar and can hide information, do not trust a proven liar.

Something you need to understand is that your husband and your marriage are not what you thought they were. I mean, you didn't think your husband would ever cheat, right? That he'd ever hide and lie? That he'd risk your health by having at least one ONS? That he'd risk your children's family all for a quick romp? Yet... he did. So is this _really _the man and marriage you thought you had? No, it's not.

You say that he's a good husband... he's not.

You say that you want your marriage to _stay_ healthy... it's not.

Both of those can improve but not overnight and not without a lot of work by BOTH of you. If he's not willing to put in the work then regardless of how much you want it to, it will _never_ work out. There are plenty of resources out there to heal from infidelity. Use them. If you are both reluctant to use those resources then you are screwed, honestly. You say you don't want to ruin your husband's image... he did that to himself. His so-called "image" is an illusion anyway.

One big red flag here is that you claim to have forgiven him already. There is no chance that you can forgive that quickly. You may think you have, but trust me, you haven't. If you don't deal with this now it WILL come back up again and again until it's properly dealt with.

"Forgive and forget" is the biggest load of BS out there. You choose to forgive but you cannot forget. Trying to forget (rug sweeping) is a guaranteed way to be hurt again in the future. So don't think about it as "forgive and forget". Instead, this of it as "forgive, but _don't_ forget".

So, if you can't "forget" then how the heck do you move forward? At some point, you will have to accept that the past is the past and that it cannot be changed. That your husband's actions are a reflection on _him,_ not you. You will _choose _to move forward with that knowledge and acceptance, with or without him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh, you never forget. That’s not possible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It also doesn’t mean rugsweeping which is what your husband is trying to do. If he just wants to pretend it’s all in the past and nothing is required of him then none of this will work.

You’ll have to create a new marriage. The old one is gone. Reconciliation is difficult and takes years to come to terms with. It works for some but not for others. You have to have a completely remorseful spouse who is willing to do the necessary work to rebuild. Even then there are triggers that make you second-guess yourself.

I hope everything works out for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Roshi said:


> I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied.
> 
> Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.
> 
> ...


You cannot forget. However, with counselling (as a couple and individually) and time you can be helped to develop tools to deal with what he did, to cope with it.

But your husband must play his part. He needs to do the heavy lifting (the hard work) in your relationship to help you.

Him telling you to "move on" is not helpful and shows that he needs to change his attitude.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your concerns are valid. In addition many unfaithful do what is called trickle truth. So one ONS may not be the whole story. He basically is saying because I was able to trick you for a long time you shouldn't be mad I broke our vows. You should trust me because I just want everything to move forward. 

How to be ok with that? I"m not sure. It would make me feel very insecure.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It makes every betrayed spouse feel insecure. Do what you can do to restore your "I'm a pretty girl" spirit. Your husband has hurt you, and unfortunately, can do nothing to restore your self-image, that is all going to have to come from you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He expects you to forget about it and move on???!!
What a load of croc.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't.



Seriously why should you be? Besides it doesn't work that way. But trying to make it will ruin your life.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Roshi said:


> We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.
> 
> I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.


no, he isn’t a good husband and father since he made a conscious decision to cheat. Don’t think that’s a good husband - it’s not!

and you don’t forget! If you act like it’s easy to forgive he’s likely to cheat again.

what consequences did he endure? Or did he have any consequences?

you make a decision - you either stay knowing he may cheat again - or you leave kowing he likely will cheat again.

what has he done (actions) to repair the damage he caused? Why did he tell you he cheated?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Roshi said:


> I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied.
> 
> Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.
> 
> ...



You don't have to, if you don't want to, or if you find you can't.

You were the one wronged. YOU need to be made whole by him. It's not your job "to forget it." It's his job to make your pain go away.

And you're under no obligation to reconcile with him if you don't want to or you feel you can't.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here. If he is in a band then he will be exposed to more of this sort of thing. Ask him how would he feel if you had done that to him. How can you trust him moving on from here. What is he planning to do to regain your trust, because now there is none left. This is not something you ought to carry yourself, he has to help you heal and do the work with you, he created the problem.
Start working on yourself, join a gym, get your hair done build up your self esteem again. You do not need your H for these things.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

That's hard to forgive, let alone forget, and he shouldn't just expect you to do either so soon. Is your husband willing to go to counseling? I would think he needs to go more than you do, he clearly was unable to respect boundaries, and was tempted. So he needs to work that out. You may want to go just for the sake of figuring out if you can forgive and let it go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This one is hard also because of the cultural differences.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Without saying too much here....I am quite familiar with the Filipino culture. Divorce is extremely frowned upon and infidelity by men is pretty common. They also don't like to talk about uncomfortable things. Throw in the fact he's a member of a band, and it's very likely (sorry) that he has done this several times, not just once. 

This doesn't make your feelings any less worthy or any less legitimate. 

Hopefully he will listen to your needs regarding healing. You'll have to be clear about it with him.

Very sorry.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> This one is hard also because of the cultural differences.


 Cultural differences? You mean between you (as a responder) and the OP?

Because I think the OP and husband are the same culture.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Cultural differences? You mean between you (as a responder) and the OP?
> 
> Because I think the OP and husband are the same culture.


I think the Philippines might have a culture we're not use to and what a woman in her situation could expect to do here could differ from what she could expect over there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Adultery is commonplace by both sexes. Divorce is not permitted by law there as it is a Catholic country so people who cannot get divorced, remain married but have other partners, etc. 
In OP's case is is an issue because her H plays in a band, lots of groupies and temptation. She cannot follow him around. Maybe if he agreed to go to marriage counselling it would help though he sounds like he wants to simply rug sweep which does not auger well for her. Might be time to separate if he wont help her heal.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Roshi said:


> Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.


A woman with such low opinion of herself is a danger to herself. It's your low self-esteem that makes you tolerate the intolerable. It's your low self-esteem that permits him to control you to save himself the embarrassment of having to apologize and do the work that is required to gain back your confidence. It's your low self-esteem that let him off the hook of having to deal with your hurt feelings that he caused you, only to deal with it all by yourself. It's your low self-esteem that forgave his infidelity even though you are incredibly hurt by it. Your low self-esteem causes you to fear losing him, so forgiveness seemed like your only alternative so that you could hang onto him. You think very little of yourself and don't think you can do any better, so you convinced yourself to forgive him to avoid losing him. But he's nothing to hold onto. Your low self-esteem caused you to refer to him as a good husband and father. He is so far from "good" anything.

The first thing you have to do is deal with your self-esteem issues. It doesn't matter what you think you look like. You are still a person and you're still his wife deserving of respect and consideration. Stop allowing him to blow you off. Demand that he engage with you on this topic or else. You need help with this, so read this article and read all around that site. Read her book too.

*Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse?*

These article below by Dr. Harley should also help you gain perspective on what you're going through, as well as help you understand you should not and cannot allow your husband to force you to deal with his infidelity all by yourself. Just because he does not want to deal with your feelings about it doesn't mean he should get off scot-free.

*HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY: CAN'T WE JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET?*

You give us every indication that your husband has no remorse for what he did, which tells me you don't know what forgiveness means. The second thing you should do is learn what forgiveness means because it's not an arbitrary concept. When a person asks for forgiveness - by saying "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" or "Please forgive me" - it means they are genuinely remorseful and are willing to face the music/consequences for their actions. If they don't apologize, ask for forgiveness, or are not willing to submit themselves to regaining the person's trust, then they are not genuinely remorseful. That means you have no reason to forgive them. How can you forgive someone who does not seek forgiveness and sees no reason in their actions to be forgiven?

People often say forgiveness is for the injured person to relieve themselves of the burden, but that's not true. You can only forgive a person who asks to be forgiven. They ask for forgiveness, and you forgive them. To relieve your own heavy heart of the burden when they don't ask and are obviously not remorseful, then you simply don't hold any charges against them or you drop the charges that you hold against them.

But neither forgiving a person nor dropping the charges means you are expected to ever forget because you cannot forget. The purpose is only to relieve yourself of the burden of pain that grips you and plagues you through your daily life. If you remain plagued by that pain, it means your husband has not done the work he needs to do for you to be able to forgive him because he is not remorseful.

So why do you think you forgave him?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> A woman with such low opinion of herself is a danger to herself. It's your low self-esteem that makes you tolerate the intolerable. It's your low self-esteem that permits him to control you to save himself the embarrassment of having to apologize and do the work that is required to gain back your confidence. It's your low self-esteem that let him off the hook of having to deal with your hurt feelings that he caused you, only to deal with it all by yourself. It's your low self-esteem that forgave his infidelity even though you are incredibly hurt by it. Your low self-esteem causes you to fear losing him, so forgiveness seemed like your only alternative so that you could hang onto him. You think very little of yourself and don't think you can do any better, so you convinced yourself to forgive him to avoid losing him. But he's nothing to hold onto. Your low self-esteem caused you to refer to him as a good husband and father. He is so far from "good" anything.
> 
> The first thing you have to do is deal with your self-esteem issues. It doesn't matter what you think you look like. You are still a person and you're still his wife deserving of respect and consideration. Stop allowing him to blow you off. Demand that he engage with you on this topic or else. You need help with this, so read this article and read all around that site. Read her book too.
> 
> ...



So after all of this (which I do not disagree with at all) what is your practical suggestion for the OP?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi @StarFires!

Hi @Roshi, keep talking.


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