# PLEASE HELP!! I'm at my whits end :((((



## chewing_on_pearls (Jun 5, 2012)

I really need some advice. Please read, and I will try to be concise.

I am 27, and got married pretty quickly to a German guy, also 27.

At first, I now know we were caught up in the initial lust. He was at the end of his working visa, and would have had to leave at the end of 2010. 

We met at the start of 2010, and it was love at first sight. We were very much together, he was working away, and in every weekend. We were both very much in love.

He proposed on Anzac day (April 25th) and I said yes. He changed jobs and we moved in together near the new job in August 2010. I was planning on suggesting we get married in the middle of 2010 to make sure he could get a visa and stay.

I am sure he did not marry me for the visa, although it was the natural assumption at the time.

We tried to have a baby around christmas 2010, after the wedding in september. We didn't get lucky. In 2011 my health started to decline, and I went to detox and rehab for valium. I did 4 months and was out before the end of the year. During this time my husband remained unemployed, living off my parents. He barely wrote to me (we couldn't have phone calls) and didn't visit either.

I pretty much broke it off while in rehab. His lack of support hurt me so badly. Even now he doesn’t understand addiction. I have tried to explain it, but he is “always right”....

We spent out first wedding anniversary apart. He eventually got work an moved to the new farm. Close to christmas 2011 we started dating again.

I hoped things would be better with my addiction stopped, and my health better. We saw each other on weekends, and it was nice.

I was just about to move out with him, when we were in a HUGE car accident. My husband was fine, the driver who caused the accident has 2 broken ribs. I wasn't so lucky. I had 2 bones in my foot broken, my knee, my hip, both my wrist bones, 2 bones in my hand, 5 ribs and a torn aorta. I almost died, and was in a coma for 6 days. He sat with me the whole time I was in a coma, but once I was awake and in pain, delusional and hallucinating, trapped in a hospital, he barely saw me. Went back to his normal work life and came down to see me a few times, while I was in hospital for about 7 weeks.

Ever since, I have been in a wheelchair and on crutches and am severely limited in everything I do. Doing anything is 100 times harder than it ever was. I can barely cook or clean, although I can have sex (woot) and the sex between us has always been pretty good.

His classic response to my limitations, when I was completely NONweightbearing on my bad leg (broken hip and knee are the problem) was that “He'd be walking by now” - as if my taking medical advice, and healing my fragile, crumbled bones was MY weakness. Like I wasn't trying hard enough. When the orthopaedic surgeon told me weight or injury now could hurt my knee beyond repair.

And when I need some sensitivity, being in constant pain, and the frustration of not being able to do anything like I always have, his stock standard comment is “Well that's just how it is at the moment” - when all I need is for him to listen to me, offer some support, hold me when I cry, and just be there for me.

And he can't even do that. When he talks to me, his Tone and Delivery 

is usually nicer to the dog. I feel I am just another annoyance to him. Like taking out the rubbish, or an irritating thing that broke at work.

Anything I ask his help with, or to do for me as it's difficult, he says I can do it myself. When I expose my vulnerability to him, and actually ask for his help, which is hard for me as I've always been very independent and self sufficient, he brushes it aside and acts like I'm just being lazy, or milking being crippled at the moment.

He doesn't understand how I feel at all.

He is inconsiderate also. Tells me how I should be washing the dishes, or doing the laundry, or cooking. What I need right now is him to be grateful that I AM doing some things.

Instead of last night's spaghetti mince I made the night before, he had a frozen pizza, because he “didn't want to cook noodles”

He is so self involved, and has such narcissistic tenancies, he never thinks about what I may need. He leaves things in the main walkways where I have to go with my wheelchair, making it an obstacle course for me to negotiate, as if BEING in a wheelchair isn't hard enough. “Just move it” he says. And never thinks ahead of what I may need, or what might make things easier for me.

We have so little in common. All the movies I love, he can't stand, and I have pretty broad tastes, all he seems to like are anime (never gonna happen) and the occasional boy action film.

I honestly can't think of much we like to do together. Apart from sex.

I am starting to feel that this is a doomed marriage, nomatter how hard I try to save it. His exceptionally limited interest in reading anything about saving our marriage disappoints me.

I plan on going to marriage counselling, if I can tear him away from his precious work long enough.

I dont know if all this stuff is a cultural barrier, a personality thing, throwbacks from his broken childhood or is it just that we rushed in, or me, or what.

Please advise me. I'm at the end of my pitifully fraying rope.

TIA


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Chewing -- I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

Congrats for successfully completing rehab!

I just don't know why you'd even want to stay with this guy. If he cannot be supportive during your time of need...? I mean, maybe he's pretty, but lots of guys are pretty. He sounds like a jerk. And you sound young. Plenty of time to start over.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but when someone is not kind and loving when you are in a wheelchair, when exactly are they going to be kind and loving?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Why would you even want to stay married to this man? Apparently the only cement that binds this marriage is sex. It's not a good foundation for long-term success. You are already experiencing him not being there for you. Did he not understand the "in sickness and health" part of your marriage vows? You really need someone who is there for you all the time.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

He has bailed and been completely unsupportive each time you needed him. What exactly are you calling a marriage, and why don't you see he married you for the visa? I can't imagine what makes you so sure that was not the reason when everything about your marriage shows he is not a husband? I know how we women fool ourselves and allow men to fool us, but you have to see the difference by now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, why would you even want to stay with him? He was cruel beyond belief.


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## chewing_on_pearls (Jun 5, 2012)

thanks guys. I think Im in the process of realising it's dead now. And god it hurts. This was my last chance to have a baby. I've always said I wont do it after 30. I'm nearly 28 and we'd been planning to get pregnant pretty soon.

I know the stats about fertility n such, but it goes quick in my family. I had to give my auntie eggs because she waited too long.

We tried around xmas of 2010, but about 5 cycles and it didn't happen, so I suspect my fertility is on the decline.

And now all I want in the world is a baby. And my marriage aint good for that right now. (((

I'm thinking about freezing some eggs.

How can I feel better? My marriage, which I didn't take lightly, is failing horribly. I am gutted and just want to die.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you on an antidepressant? If not you might want to look into seeing a doc about them. You are going through so much right now. 

Are there any family members or friends you can move in with? It just seems like you need to be in a more positive living situation.


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## chewing_on_pearls (Jun 5, 2012)

I'm antidepressed. The whole situation is just too mucvh for me. My mother has taken my 8 year old for me, and doesn't have time.


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## chewing_on_pearls (Jun 5, 2012)

I'm so not going well. I just found our wedding vows and was reading through them. I meant them so strongly, but he is eroding my soul with each snipey *****y remark, and when he just tells me what to do.

I have no escape. SI is my only escape and then I feel guilty. Sleep is the other Nothing hurts when I'm asleep.

And holy HELL I miss the sex. Now would be such a very easy time to stray, which would be yet another nail in the coffin of our marriage. Be4cause everything is MY fault.

Tomorrow, monday, I will call around some local psychs and get something ASAP, because if this doesnt get any better Im going to end up dead.

I am far too fragile for this. I've survived a LOT. My baby's father dumping me for my ***** of a best friend, him moving her into MY home, MY bed, parenting MY child and enjoying MY pets.

I fell in love with a guy who wouold only sleep with me and nothing more because I had Baggage, my 2 year old.

I survived breaking up with the guy I thought I'd end up with because it turned out we were just friends. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried harder, because he was a fantastic father to my baby, which is a trait sorely lacking in my husband.

I looked over the promises we made to each other, and just cried and cried. I really meant what I promised. But now, h's not the man I fell in love with and married. 

He's a selfish, arrogant, thoughtless, egocentric arsehole.  He was none of this before we got married.

I've changed too. But for the better I think. I did detox and rehab and learned a lot of stuff on personal interaction and dealing with conflict, and making better choices. It all seems lost on him.

When I try to talk to him about marriage related stuff, he just shuts down, disinterested and annoyed.

I can't take this.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

chewing_on_pearls said:


> SI is my only escape and then I feel guilty.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is TAM dear but that's okay!Just don't feel guilty about escaping wherever you need,to get some relief.

The truth is he was probably all those things you said he is now even before you got married.Self-serving asses can be very good at masking their true self in order to get what they want.

You've learned from re-hab,so you must know there is at least a little denial going on if you think putting effort into this is worth it.This guy is totally indifferent to you,so make the right choice for you and you alone.It's his loss.

You have it in you to make it,just be cautious you don't allow your addiction to start speaking to you again.The further along in recovery you go,the easier it is to maintain.Your thinking will start to clear up more and you'll be able to deal with things better.I know this because I've been in recovery for many years now.

Saying a prayer for you that you find the strength to face your struggles and wishing you well.Take care.


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