# What's up with wife



## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for over ten years and have two children ages 13 and 9. Throughout our marriage we have always been affectionate toward each other and have enjoyed spending time together either alone or with our children. About two years ago I started to notice that my wife didn't seem as into spending time with me as she had been and she seemed to be bothered by my showing affection. I really didn't think much of it, so I asked her to try and make it a point to go out just the two of us more often, and she agreed. Not too long after that she started going out more with her friends, her brother, etc. Not necessarily alot, but more than before, and still no more with me. About a year ago she quit talking to me at night after work, usually not even bothering to say "Hi Honey" when I get home from work (which she used to do every night.) I am a quiet person and don't like a lot talking, but the conversations we have are yes/no conversations, and our total talk time at night is probably less than 2 minutes. She blamed all her meetings at work for not being conversational, but at the same time mentioned how much she wanted to get onto Facebook to get in contact with people she never cared to stay in touch with before. The lack of communication and time together has really frustrated me and I'm getting really pissed off. I have sat down to talk to her, but she doesn't think there is a problem. Last fall we had planned to take a short vacation to celebrate an accomplishment at work, but when it came down to booking, she didn't want to commit to any specific dates, always finding an excuse why the dates wouldn't work. She relunctantly agreed to go when I finally told her how important it was to me. Our spring vacation was cancelled because she would always find an excuse why the dates wouldn't work (I feel like she was willing to go until the other couple had to cancel and realized it would be just the two of us.) Financially we are comfortable, so I know it's not a money issue. I feel like she constantly is choosing anyone but me. There's so much more to say, but I'm rambling.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Ask her if she is happy in the relationship. Ask her if she still feels the spark. Be ready to read and understand more about your marriage. 

I think she is just bored with the relationship and the spark has faded for her. Do the online five love language quiz. Just Google for it. Find out what hers are and do that.

Relationships fail at about 5 years if high conflict and about 10 if the spark dies and people get bored and stop putting work into it. You were right in trying to fix it, but you need to shake things up and get out of the rut.

she needs to recommit, but there is always a chance she will just drift away and not care to connect again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Not to sound like a jerk, but find out if she's having an affair-she is showing some classic red flags.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Not to sound like a jerk, but find out if she's having an affair-she is showing some classic red flags.


:iagree:


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

Originally I considered the fact that there may be someone else. We still are "intimate" with each other when our schedules cooperate. Besides that with two kids involved in sports and activities, I honestly don't know where she would find the time and when she does go out, it's usually a group of girls at a friends house having wine (Most of the women have husbands that I know through the kids' activities and a few of the girls couldn't keep something like that a secret). She does have high school friends that I don't trust, but she doesn't see them very often. I am trying very hard to plan things for us to do together, but it seems like the more I try, the poorer my results. I realize that she may be seeing me as desperate, but I don't want to just give up. The problem is, it's driving me crazy and I am starting to notice the smallest differences in how she treats me and I can feel myself getting a little bit more bitter every time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Not to sound like a jerk, but find out if she's having an affair-she is showing some classic red flags.


Agree. Check that Facebook activity. Make a list of the friends for future reference.
She could be having an EA over the internet. Most affairs are with co-workers. Dome folks just flat find the time for affairs.

It sounds like you are having sex but check this blog out anyway:

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

It is really about more than sex. It is about keeping your wife interested in you period.

Hopefully it is just about you guys having drifted apart. You do need to pull this together with no delay. It sounds like you are trying. You need to have more heart to heart toalks with her. You must find the time. If things are just so busy that there is not time for an affair the affair you don't have time for is the one with your wife. She may herself be overwhelmed with work and family.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I feel like I'm trying too hard to win her affection. She thinks we have been away alone too much as of late, but I can't believe that. I have even gone to the trouble of planning nights out for just the two of us, and she finds reasons why we should just stay home. As far as letting myself go, I work out 2-3 times/week and watch what I eat. I'm in better shape now than when we go married, I'm just 40 instead of 27. She has gained some weight, but I still think she is very attractive. It's just disturbing to me that she doesn't like me grabbing her butt like I used to or having me tell her how hot she looks. Why is it that women find a "good" boy boring, it seems she sees my love for her and my children as being weak. I want to be home to spend time with my kids and be there for their activities. That doesn't mean I'm not a man, just a good father. If that is the case she is making a huge mistake.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

If it isn't an affair then she's "emotionally checking" out of the marriage. Her behavior is not what I would classify as "usual". Most women would love the attention of their husbands.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I feel for you, bro. Read here, and learn. The 180, and Manning Up. 

I was a LOT like you 2 years ago... right about the time my wife started her emotional affair. I scoffed at your comment about her finding the time to conduct an A... it is amazing what WW can do to find time _when they want to_. Your wife currently doesn't want to find time for you. 

Get in front of this. Consider her IN at least an EA, on her way to a PA... or in one already. Consider it your job to stop it. Either find it out, expose it, and deal with it, or stop it from happening because she's mentally already checked out. There's always a reason. Find that reason and change it. It doesn't mean you've done anyting wrong, but there's at least not enough right to keep her "in it". 

Decide what you want. To live like this? I think not. But... be prepared to deal with discovering highly unpleasant information (her feelings and/or her actions), and plan for what you will do when confronted with it. I STRONGLY suggest insisting on marriage counseling. If she doesn't feel the need for it, make her go anyway for the sake of the marriage. Draw strong lines; insist. Be the man and take charge. She's got to understand the severity of your feelings here, and the dangerous path you're already on.

And if you read enough here, you will find consistent stories about trusting one's gut... trust yours to take action. 

Good luck.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

BigToe said:


> If it isn't an affair then she's "emotionally checking" out of the marriage. Her behavior is not what I would classify as "usual". Most women would love the attention of their husbands.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

anx said:


> Ask her if she is happy in the relationship. Ask her if she still feels the spark. Be ready to read and understand more about your marriage.
> 
> I think she is just bored with the relationship and the spark has faded for her. Do the online five love language quiz. Just Google for it. Find out what hers are and do that.
> 
> ...


I agree with you in this situation because I WAS ONCE THIS WIFE. I never cheated, never once thought about, never had a Face Book or My Space account, a cell phone, or an individual e-mail account. I was just beyond feed up about how I was treated. My husband NEVER spoke my love language. He met none of my needs as time went on. I fulfilled two of his needs--sex and maid service. That's definitely a good way to kill that "in love" feeling.

Snidley, you may want to take a long at what's really going on in your relationship. Maybe you will then find answers--since you say an affair isn't to blame.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Not to sound like a jerk, but find out if she's having an affair-she is showing some classic red flags.


On the other hand, Snidley, could it be depression?


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I have wondered if it is depression also. Her job is secure for now, but may not be in the future (next 2 years), and the company she works for is making a lot of cutbacks. I 'm self-employed and have reassured her if the axe falls on her, we will be just fine. That is part of the communication problem we are having. She comes home at night and doesn't want to talk about work at all, the most I can drag out of her are yes and no answers. I'm just worried because she used to tell me about everything that happened at work, now nothing. Once when I asked what has been going on between us and why she won't talk about work, she began to cry. It seemed odd she would get so upset about her job. This was a red flag to me. Before the communication breakdown, she had begun to complain about her boss stopping by her desk, and talking all the time. But I have met this man, and other than the fact that he makes more money than her and is her superior, I don't see any reason she would be interested in him. I'm at a loss. All the signs point toward another guy, but I really don't see where she would be able to find the time during the week, and weekends she spends with our family. The company she works for is a Fortune 500 company, and security is so rigid, I don't see how anything physical could be going on at work. Again, much of our problem stems from her shutting me out.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think it was Ben Franklin who said something along the lines of if a man knows that he will be hanged in a fortnight, it will concentrate his mind absolutely.

Perhaps it is stress about the job, but don't completely rule out the possibility of an affair.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

827,

Just to clarify, when you said "I WAS ONCE THIS WIFE", were you referring to my wife's perspective of our situation. It's unclear whether you are saying it's how I treat her or how she treats me that is similar to your situation. Thanks.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Snidley said:


> 827,
> 
> Just to clarify, when you said "I WAS ONCE THIS WIFE", were you referring to my wife's perspective of our situation. It's unclear whether you are saying it's how I treat her or how she treats me that is similar to your situation. Thanks.


I was referring to that big, opening paragraph where you describe your wife's behavior towards you. Hence, I was once that wife.... I have no idea how you treat your wife. And I have no way of knowing your wife's perspective. I can only acknowledge that my behavior was very similar and offer suggestions (from my perspective) as to where you may want to look.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

827,

Thanks for the reply. Any suggestions would be great. To give you a little background, I think I contribute my share to the household. As it stands I'm doing about half the housework. The only thing I don't do alot of is running the kids after school, because I am still at work. I do get them up in the morning and get them ready for school, but I realize that is much less hectic than the after school running. When we have had discussions about what may be going on, I have asked if she felt I was helping out enough and my wife has said I do alot around the house. She has even told me I am not doing anything wrong-she has said everything is fine, but deep down I can feel something has changed.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really recommend you read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. If possible, get your wife to read it. There's also an on-line test which goes along with the book. It will definitely identify what makes each of you feel "loved". Right now your wife is detaching and not feeling very loved.

Also, your wife may be silently overwhelmed by stress. That was also part of my problem as well. After meeting with my therapist and psychologist (jointly) yesterday, I now know how detrimental stress can be. "When I was that wife", I had so much stress in my life. It was unbearable. I suffered quietly while the anger, resentment, and bitterness raged within me. There are ways to alleviate the stress--address them now. Insist on counseling if necessary.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would do two things. First, install a keylogger on her computer and review what she types, and check the phone records for calls/texts to any particular numbers a lot. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy, and IT needs you to investigate. For your whole family's sake. Chances are fair she's been communicating with one of her male high school buddies and you have no clue; even if she hasn't gone down the EA/PA path, such conversations may have got her longing for her freedom and life as a single grownup as opposed to being stuck with you guys. (Does she keep her phone with her, or does she just leave it hanging around?)

Two, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires (avoid their forums; they're toxic). Sit down with her this weekend and ask her to fill them out. It will tell you what she's really thinking and show you where YOU need to make changes to make her happy again and NOT resentful. That is, assuming she's not cheating.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I think it was Ben Franklin who said something along the lines of if a man knows that he will be hanged in a fortnight, it will concentrate his mind absolutely.
> 
> Perhaps it is stress about the job, but don't completely rule out the possibility of an affair.


I think it was Samuel Johnson, but he wasn't wrong.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Quietly and discreetly check her phone. If you see a pattern of calls
To a number dial *67 and then the number to see who it is.
Star 67 blocks outbound caller ID so they won't know who you are.


Snidley;369274]827,

Thanks for the reply. Any suggestions would be great. To give you a little background, I think I contribute my share to the household. As it stands I'm doing about half the housework. The only thing I don't do alot of is running the kids after school, because I am still at work. I do get them up in the morning and get them ready for school, but I realize that is much less hectic than the after school running. When we have had discussions about what may be going on, I have asked if she felt I was helping out enough and my wife has said I do alot around the house. She has even told me I am not doing anything wrong-she has said everything is fine, but deep down I can feel something has changed.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I have been watching her cell phone and haven't noticed either a pattern or any unusual calls. My biggest problem is her laptop and email are through her employer and I have no way of checking it (the email account is very secure). From time to time she will open her laptop and check her email, but not usually when I'm around. In addition to that, I don't want her to know I am suspicious. 

I have one question for anyone that has been through counseling. Will counseling bring someone to admit there is someone else? Or will a cheater just deny it?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A cheater would probably say that there is no problem, so why do we need counseling?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I believe it depends on how competent/skillful the individual therapist is. When my husband and I went to the marriage counselor for almost a month, it was disastrous. My estranged husband REFUSED to tell the counselor he was cheating and lied about that and a lot more. Furthermore, he had the therapist believing all of his lies. The counselor was then crucifying me! I stopped going and found an individual counselor. The counselor I now have would be able to get to the bottom of things, if an affair was going on.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like your wife is having an affair. She is exhibiting all the signs. Please remember that most spouses are COMPLETELY shocked when they discover their wife/husband is having an affair. I had no idea my husband was having an EA until the other woman texted him over the weekend on a day when he forgot his cell phone when he was out. I was totally shocked and could not believe it.

My guess is your wife burst out in tears when you asked her what was going on because she was feeling guilty for cheating on you.

My guess is that she is in at least an EA (which is just as bad as a PA) and she has disconnected from you because she is focused on her affair partner. 

If you can't gain access to her cell or laptop, I would buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it underneath the seat of her car on a morning before she goes to work (use heavy duty velcro to fasten it). Don't do it on a rainy day or it won't work properly (the raindrops on the car will keep the recorder on even after she gets out of the car and the battery will run out). At the end of the day when she comes home, take it out and listen to it. If she's talking to anyone on the phone, you will hear it. 

You can't "win" your wife back unless you expose her affair and threaten to leave her. If she is having an affair, you will need to do exactly the opposite of what you are doing now. You would want to pull away, threaten divorce and make her work to win YOU back. Otherwise she will view you as a doormat.

But first things first, monitor her Facebook, put in a VAR and gather more info to figure out what is going on.

Also, there are MANY people who cheat on their spouse while in counseling (including mine while we were in couples counseling). No therapist, however skillful, can find out if your spouse is cheating unless your spouse admits to it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Try to find out if she has a "secret", pay-as-you-go cellphone.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

Ironically, she did start crying when I asked her if there was someone else. As I have said, I have been watching her cellphone. 

If she has a prepaid cell, how do I go about finding it?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You would need to check her bank accounts/credit card statements. But she could just as easily be using her work cell phone and just delete the messages/call log. She could be using her work laptop and/or Facebook for her messages/chatting.

If she cried when you asked her if there was someone else, to me that it is so telling! Sorry about that.

Seriously, try the VAR. You can get one at Walmart or Radio Shack. I got a Sony for $40 or less (this was 5 years ago) and it worked well. It confirmed that my husband was no longer being unfaithful and now he uses it for work! if you can't get other info, this might be your best bet.

Finally, you could also drop in her office at work unannounced during lunch to see what's up or even hire a PI.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If money is not a problem then hire a PI right now. It will at least rule out cheating then you can focus on the depression side.

She seems like a smart girl and may be covering her tracks well. She may be just depressed. But lets rule the cheating out 1st.

Get it out of the way and move on from there. She will never have to know and it will prevent you from getting caught.

If you want to go the cheap route then get a voice activated recorder and plant it in her car. A GPS will also tell you any odd places she is visiting. then the locations can be googled.

As you said, her computor is tough to get at and your cell plan is clean, so track the car.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Mr Snidely,
I am not sure that following her or that spying on her are positive solutions and they can only be detrimental, especially if she is "true". Each individual has the freedom to their individuality, the freedom to have their own "search" for understanding of their own self. It is not right that you should demand that her individuality is yours, and likewise it is not her right that she demand that your individuality is hers. Communication and understanding are key to growth, and by trying to put yourself in her "shoes" you may understand. It seems that she may be a very "progressive" person, that goes along with her job. Have you kept up with her mentally, physically, spiritually or have you just fallen into a comfort zone for you and expect her to be the same? Perhaps trying to understand, and to allow her space to continue to discover herself is what you need to give her.

Do you love her enough to where want the best for her? Do you love her enough that you will support her in any way? If so, then you should unselfishly and openly allow her room to explore her options, all of them. It seems to me that she can only love you more and she can only realize your limitless love for her. Love is not jealous, love is not selfish, love is eternal. Should she decide that she wants someone else, then all is good. You have just made the woman that you love very happy! That is ultimately what you want, for her to be happy. OR could it be that you want her to be happy with only you, under your rules/guidelines, as you think that it should it be. She is not your property and you are not her property. I have been that person that is tied to society's ideals and morals and it has been difficult for me to regress to age-old ideals in our evolving society in order to keep the relationship afloat. Many years of suffering and the nobody really benefited from it, except those that were close to us decided that they would never go through what we went through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I supposed you could abduct her, strap her to a chair and vigorously interrogate her, waterboard her even. I mean to what lengths are you willing to feed your own paranoia?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I supposed you could abduct her, strap her to a chair and vigorously interrogate her, waterboard her even. I mean to what lengths are you willing to feed your own paranoia?


:lol::iagree:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She cried when you asked if there was someone else?

I think you may have your answer right there.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

weR2,

For 12 years I lived a fairy tale, not wanting for anything. If my wife went out with friends, I was happy and supportive of her. It wasn't until her best friend from high school divorced that she started to pull away. Shortly after all this began, I was venting to my best friend, and he said maybe it is all in my head, but "in all the years you've been married, I never heard you complain about your wife." 

I'm not trying to be combative, but you make it sound like my marriage is a career change. Yes, I do want her to be happy, but not at the expense of my happiness. And if she chooses someone else, that pretty much ends my happiness. People always say love is unconditional. My love for my children is unconditional, my love for my wife is completely conditional. Our relationship is based on monogamous love, period. 

If she is entertaining the idea of leaving, then yes I do want her to make her decision, and accept it. I want to be with her, but I don't want to be 2nd prize.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Snidley said:


> weR2,
> 
> For 12 years I lived a fairy tale, not wanting for anything. If my wife went out with friends, I was happy and supportive of her. It wasn't until her best friend from high school divorced that she started to pull away. Shortly after all this began, I was venting to my best friend, and he said maybe it is all in my head, but "in all the years you've been married, I never heard you complain about your wife."
> 
> ...


Hi there, it seems to me that you have answered your own question here and made your decision. Perhaps now you can go to her and tactfully communicate your situation of "conditional love". From there she can make a decision on the path she should take.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are things you can do to improve a marriage, even without the second person participating. Let us know if you're interested.


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## conerned (Jul 18, 2011)

My wife is pretty similar. Sex life is great, but not a lot of communication... when we do talk, it's often arguing about lack of communication. She makes plans without talking with me to see if I'd like to make plans with her. Instead she's out with her friends... pretty much every day.

If I say anything, it becomes an argument - she accuses me of being controlling.

She's out doing Zumba 2-3 times a week... she's out with her friends shopping 1-2 times a week... she's at one meeting or another each week... and she's out another 1/2 dozen times visiting friends and driving them around.

An example of when she calls me controlling: We got back from camping at the beach for a week last night. Today we were invited to a BBQ and we went. They invited us to camp out next week in tents, and I told my wife I'm not up for camping in a tent, as we have a trailer and just got back from camping, and we are planning to go again in a couple weeks...

She said, "Would you mind if I go alone?" I said, yes I mind - you're a married woman and you want to go camping without your husband?

We obviously aren't seeing things the same way. I think she's overly social and acting like she's single, and she thinks I'm controlling for my opinion.

I wish you luck - I could use some too...


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## sunnez (May 9, 2011)

Lots of red flags... I think that F-102 had it right the first time... my ex acting quite a lot like you described...


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm just would like to know, if she isn't cheating (which I don't think she is), why is she acting so turned off at times toward me. Last week I tried giving her some space, and by Friday she was going out of her way to talk to me. It felt great to have her communicating with me again. She even called me Friday before I got home from work, and she said she would be waiting for me and would have a glass of wine ready for me when I got home. I am just puzzled as to why she is so quiet toward me at times.
Do a woman's feelings toward her spouse change around age 40? People say that over time a married couple will grow apart. She seems to be feeling this way, but I feel the same way as I always have. I don't want to accept that this is just the way it is to be married, I just want our relationship to be like it used to be.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Snidley said:


> I'm just would like to know, if she isn't cheating (which I don't think she is), why is she acting so turned off at times toward me. Last week I tried giving her some space, and by Friday she was going out of her way to talk to me. It felt great to have her communicating with me again. She even called me Friday before I got home from work, and she said she would be waiting for me and would have a glass of wine ready for me when I got home. I am just puzzled as to why she is so quiet toward me at times.
> Do a woman's feelings toward her spouse change around age 40? People say that over time a married couple will grow apart. She seems to be feeling this way, but I feel the same way as I always have. I don't want to accept that this is just the way it is to be married, I just want our relationship to be like it used to be.


40 is a big deal sir for many women.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women don't tell men everything they are thinking because they get taught early on that the man acts like she's nagging or something bad, so she shuts up, and sits on her resentment and it grows. Until she is just done. And the man never knew she was even unhappy. Tons of books on it.

Best first book to read is His Needs Her Needs. It's a real eye opener.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

BigToe said:


> If it isn't an affair then she's "emotionally checking" out of the marriage. Her behavior is not what I would classify as "usual". Most women would love the attention of their husbands.


Yes, and no.

I can say from my past experience that sometimes when men get "needy" and want to talk about what is wrong or whine about needing affection, etc, it is not sexy and it can be a turn off.

I am not saying the OP is whiney or needy..but the wife could be looking at it that way.

I can't really talk much about relationships (lollll mine is a mess) however, I do know that when my husband wants me, he just takes me (in a playful way). No talking needed and it feels great 

I haven't cheated since the first time on someone (11 years ago)...but I have shown these "signs" without cheating in later relationships because I just didn't like how sissified my man was becoming.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Did you question why she was crying when you asked if there was someone else?

Most of us need to share about the happenings of our work day, so if she's not doing that with you, she is doing it with someone else. Could even be a girlfriend, but the point is to get her focusing back on you. You said she doesn't even welcome you home anymore and there's minimal talk. What do _you_ do then? Do you come in and ask how her day was? Even if you're not a big talker, do you still make an effort to show her you're interested, to give you both a chance to have that end-of-day catch up?

I don't know if this is a lame suggestion - I'll happily stand corrected if other posters disagree - but I'm wondering if you can gently start romancing her. Granted not all women like these styles of romance, so obviously it depends on her and what she needs from you that might be lacking, but it's just a thought. Why not send flowers to her at work with a simple "I love you/thinking of you/thank you for being an amazing mom?" Or take care of the dishes and evening tasks, and run a bath for her to enjoy with candles? Don't make it sexual unless she shows interest. This is just something you can do for her. Maybe a little romance once a week, different day, different method each time. They don't have to be grand gestures. I'm suggesting you 'woo' her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Laurae1967 said:


> Also, there are MANY people who cheat on their spouse while in counseling (including mine while we were in couples counseling). No therapist, however skillful, can find out if your spouse is cheating unless your spouse admits to it.


My wife used going to a MC as "proof" she wasn't cheating so I would back off accusing her of it.

In reality? She was screwing the guy as often as possible. Sick.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I've tried everything to improve things. It seems like the only results I see are when I ignore her, and I don't like that. If I have to continually ignore or be cold to her, it will be just a matter of time until she does look for someone else. I have wondered if she was losing respect for me, so I no longer ask her "what's wrong". I ask her every night how her day was, and every night I get the same response - "Crazy". That is usually the bulk of our conversation. If her mom or sister calls, she will talk to them for half an hour (almost every night).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's starting to sound as though stress could be a huge factor in HER life. Has she been evaluated for stress, anxiety, and/or depression disorders? Prolonged stress can do some horrible things to a person--even cause them to detach from things and people they once cherished. That could even explain her breaking into tears when you asked if there was someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done any reading? Did you read His Needs Her Needs? What you're doing isn't working. So start educating yourself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Women don't tell men everything they are thinking because they get taught early on that the man acts like she's nagging or something bad, so she shuts up, and sits on her resentment and it grows. Until she is just done. And the man never knew she was even unhappy. Tons of books on it.
> 
> Best first book to read is *His Needs Her Needs. *It's a real eye opener.


Essential reading. Best done as a couple.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Snidley said:


> I ask her every night how her day was, and every night I get the same response - "Crazy". That is usually the bulk of our conversation. If her mom or sister calls, she will talk to them for half an hour (almost every night).


So is there a way you can get her to talk to you the way her mom/sister does? And I notice you wrote if they call her as opposed to her calling them. This sounds like they're checking in on her. Which sounds to me like they know she's stressed/unhappy (unless this is just normal in her relationship with them). I know my mom calls me more when she knows I'm going through stuff as I don't tend to reach out - although I do speak with my H. 

I'm filling in the blanks based on what you've said. Have you asked your wife directly what's up with her and explained all of what you're feeling? Maybe she can tell you why she pays more attention to you after you've ignored her for a short time. It sounds like you really care for her. I hope you can find some understanding soon.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

As to the phone calls, I should have said that when she talks to her mom and sister. She calls them or they call her about evenly. I have asked quite a few times if anything is wrong, and she always says that nothing is wrong. The only time I could get anything out of her, she broke down and told me that she was worried about work. If it is her job that is stressing her out, she was very foolish to bring it into our marriage. I have given up on asking what's going on, not only does she not tell me anything, but I am afraid she will lose respect for me if I seem too concerned about our relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you SHOULD do is tell her you are not satisfied, and she needs to think about whether she wants to stay married to you, because if you don't start getting reciprocation from her, YOU will decide you're not going to stay. Tell her the truth.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm still convinced that she's hiding something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It doesn't matter if she is or isn't. She has checked out of the marriage. She either needs to reengage and commit, or get out of it.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

turnera said:


> It doesn't matter if she is or isn't. She has checked out of the marriage. She either needs to reengage and commit, or get out of it.


:iagree:


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

Just a quick update on my situation. I took the some of the advice posted here (believing that maybe I am the problem) and backed off a little bit, and things for the last month have become better. Last week we took a 10 day family vacation and everything seemed to go very well. When we arrived home I was going through the caller ID on our phone to see who may have called, but didn't leave a message, because my friends are notorious for calling and not leaving a message. I noticed one number that I didn't recognize, but didn't think anything of it. After checking to see if maybe it had been a client calling, I found the same number had called my wife's cell while she was at work. I thought this was odd, but convinced myself it was probably just someone she worked with trying to get ahold of her before we left for vacation. The next day when I checked the caller ID on our landline, only that number had been deleted, not any calls before or after it. I know I crossed the line by checking back for the number, but too much has happened and my frustrations got the best of me. Now I was concerned and told my sister what I had found. She suggested casually bringing it up with my wife and asking if she had deleted an unusual number. She hesitated and did sort of a double-take. I waited until our kids were in bed and asked her again if she had deleted the number. She got defensive and again denied it and said it was probably a wrong number. I then told her I found the same number in her cell and showed her the phone. At that point she became angry and said it had to be a coincidence and I was making too much out of the situation. She told me "Why don't you just call the number and see who it is." At that point I told her I had already called (it was a guy who answered and he did not work in her office or even a related industry). How do I go about getting her to admit to it so we can get some help and move on?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Snidley said:


> Just a quick update on my situation. I took the some of the advice posted here (believing that maybe I am the problem) and backed off a little bit, and things for the last month have become better. Last week we took a 10 day family vacation and everything seemed to go very well. When we arrived home I was going through the caller ID on our phone to see who may have called, but didn't leave a message, because my friends are notorious for calling and not leaving a message. I noticed one number that I didn't recognize, but didn't think anything of it. After checking to see if maybe it had been a client calling, I found the same number had called my wife's cell while she was at work. I thought this was odd, but convinced myself it was probably just someone she worked with trying to get ahold of her before we left for vacation. The next day when I checked the caller ID on our landline, only that number had been deleted, not any calls before or after it. I know I crossed the line by checking back for the number, but too much has happened and my frustrations got the best of me. Now I was concerned and told my sister what I had found. She suggested casually bringing it up with my wife and asking if she had deleted an unusual number. She hesitated and did sort of a double-take. I waited until our kids were in bed and asked her again if she had deleted the number. She got defensive and again denied it and said it was probably a wrong number. I then told her I found the same number in her cell and showed her the phone. At that point she became angry and said it had to be a coincidence and I was making too much out of the situation. She told me "Why don't you just call the number and see who it is." At that point I told her I had already called (it was a guy who answered and he did not work in her office or even a related industry). How do I go about getting her to admit to it so we can get some help and move on?


You caught her with her hand in the cookie jar. You now know what has been up with her. If this is an affair you know she has to go NC before you can move on. Also you don't know how deep this is yet. You need to know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a keylogger installed on her computer? Do you get the bill for her cell phone? Back off. Start keeping printed records. Look for a pattern. Keep a written record of where she says she is, and where you can prove she is, and where her phone/computer records say she is. Spend a couple weeks gathering your intel - remember, you are fighting to save your marriage and snooping is WARRANTED for that. Don't let guilt trip you out.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Ughh...sorry man.

Game over. She's caught. This is going to be a difficult journey.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Bad move. You went all-in with only a pair of 3's. Cheaters always have all of the cards. She won the hand and now will go underground. Back off and let her think you've forgotten about it. Maybe she'll get lazy (although it was her boyfriend that screwed up). VAC in the car will be best. How stupid to only delete that one number. 

I'm still going to give the advice I was going to give before I found out she was cheating: Women start to fall out of love with their husbands 5-10 years into a marriage. All of them, and they don't come back. Just get used to it. I wish I had that advice 15 years ago.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I do agree that may I acted early on into finding out what was going on, but now I have an answer (not what I had hoped for) and in my heart I now have confirmed what I have feared. She can go "underground" but at this point that really doesn't matter anymore. I know what's going on, she knows what's going on, and just because she won't admit it doesn't make it any less true. 

She can be as secretive as she wants, because I don't feel I need to search for much of anything else. I still hold out hope that she will give me a provable excuse as to why this man had called, but if not, I think we may be done. I know I can do better than loving someone who doesn't love me back.

If by chance she does still love me, she screwed up. With all the chances I have given her, I will decide if we stay together.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She will respect you if you are strong. She will respect you if you don't tolerate her doing this. She might not like it, but she will respect you for not allowing her to continue.

Tell her what you said above, "I know what is going on and you know what is going on. It stops now, or our marriage is over. You have by the end of the weekend to chose either our marriage or him. Depending on what you decide, we will either be talking to a marriage counselor on Monday or I will be talking to a lawyer."

Then leave her alone and let her think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IF you decide you want to keep her, you will need to expose this secret to her important people, so that they can hopefully put pressure on her to end it. You are being reactive right now, so don't make major decisions until you have had time to see things through. But exposing to HIS people and her people will shine a light on their adultery that neither will welcome, and is the best way possible to end the affair.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, she's gonna blame you for everything, from "driving her" into the arms of the OM, to being an escaped Nazi war criminal. She is in the fog, so in her mind, you are no longer the wonderful man she married-you are now the jerk-off she "settled" for and is ruining her life and standing in the way of her true happiness...

...and, you may get the added pleasure of her having told anyone who will listen what an a**hole you are, that she never would have even talked to the OM, if only you were a better man. That way, she can justify her actions, and hopefully convince everyone that she is really making the "right" decision. 

I'm all for exposure, but don't wait too long, or she will have warned everyone that you know that you'll be calling them up and telling lies about her.

Time to lawyer up-you can always reconcile until the day you finalize the D.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She has given you the classic signs of an A., for a long time now---demonizing you, slow down on sex, increased social websites, increased going out, whether with friends, or using friends as a means to get out and be with her AP, checking out of the mge., usage of phone, or E-Mail to #'s that are not part of your family, friends, or required for her work.

You have tipped your hand, but you know something is going on, and she knows you know.----become very quietly vigilant, or hire a PI, or use electronic tracking/recording devices, and monitor her very closely---by now you should know when she is lying----gather your info., but when you confront, have some consequences ready---just don't go in gangbusters, accuse, and then have nothing after that, and fall flat on your face----ultimately whatever you really want to know about, can be proven'disproven with a poly

Also at this point you might want to go into a good hard 180.


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I feel like the fog has lifted and I can see things so clearly now. For so long I couldn't decide what I should do next, because I wanted her to come back to me without diriving her further away. She would tell me I was going through a mid-life crisis or I didn't trust her anymore. Now I feel like I have a definite direction. If we do divorce, I feel like I have some closure and can go on with my life. I no longer have to worry about what's going on behind my back without angering my wife. She has chosen someone else other than me in my opinion, and now it will be up to her to prove how much she wants to stay together. I now have a definite direction and it may be without her. If things work out that would be great, but if they don't I won't have to feel guilty if I move on. I feel good about that, there are alot of single women out there looking for a good man.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK you have told us what you would/will do in the future---but what are you going to do about now

Are you gonna just D., based on what you have, and yes what you have strongly indicates she is with another man, ----or----do you want some answers, and therefore, you will do the work, to get the needed info. to prove w/out a doubt, she is with another

I would hope you would want the info, so you can confront, and find out the why, that caused her to cheat on you


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

turnera said:


> ...go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires (avoid their forums; they're toxic).


 I just found this forum after visiting the Marriage Builders forums for some time, and I couldn't agree more. I'm so excited to have found a new forum!

Snidley, your wife is definitely wayward. You did confront too early, giving her a chance to deny and conceal further. For your own peace of mind, continue to snoop until you know the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Snidley said:


> I feel like the fog has lifted and I can see things so clearly now. For so long I couldn't decide what I should do next, because I wanted her to come back to me without diriving her further away. She would tell me I was going through a mid-life crisis or I didn't trust her anymore. Now I feel like I have a definite direction. If we do divorce, I feel like I have some closure and can go on with my life. I no longer have to worry about what's going on behind my back without angering my wife. She has chosen someone else other than me in my opinion, and now it will be up to her to prove how much she wants to stay together. I now have a definite direction and it may be without her. If things work out that would be great, but if they don't I won't have to feel guilty if I move on. I feel good about that, there are alot of single women out there looking for a good man.





My intuition tells me this affair has pretty much run its course. Take time to look at the threads here people have successfully recovered from these situations. You're the only one that can save your family but you can do it. Don't be loud, don't show anger be the rock that your family can hang onto. This is bad I know but there is still a family and there are a million things worse that can happen to families. I've been around a long time and can testify to that . You had a happy marriage but something evil came into it. You have to act like a man and fight through this. It is the most important battle you have faced so far and will show you what kind of man you truly can be. As you see here marriages that work through this come out better and stronger than before. Its time to throw your wife a life line and literally save your children.
Most importantly DO NOT BEG ,PLEAD, Etc. If you wimp out you will loose. And remember 80% of couples that divorce in this situation regret it,. I wish it were not so but the number of affairs Since 97 has tripled , it is truly an epidemic.
Good luck will be praying for your family


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

I understand what everyone is saying that I may have confronted her too early, but I have my proof and that's good enough for me. It makes no difference whether she was caught talking to him or in bed, I know she stepped beyond the boundaries and I need no more proof than that. 

It would have been different had this happened 2 years ago, but after all that has happened (there are quite a few details I have even gotton into), a little thing like a guy calling my wife is now a really big deal. 

She eroded my trust in her when she stopped talking to me, when she stopped wanting to do things with me, and when I was no longer a priority in her life. I told her when we were still dating that if I ever found out she was with another man, I would not be able to forgive. I won't live the rest of my life wondering if she if being faithful to me. 

If I get home tonight and she says she wants a divorce, it probably is for the better. I realize that it may sound as if I am bitter, but truthfully I'm not. I am probably more at peace now than I have been in a very long time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Snidley said:


> I understand what everyone is saying that I may have confronted her too early, but I have my proof and that's good enough for me. It makes no difference whether she was caught talking to him or in bed, I know she stepped beyond the boundaries and I need no more proof than that.
> 
> It would have been different had this happened 2 years ago, but after all that has happened (there are quite a few details I have even gotton into), a little thing like a guy calling my wife is now a really big deal.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Only you know what your situation is, and only you walk in your shoes----so, yes, you must do what is best for you

You need to have aproductive, happy future, and if it is w/out your straying wife---than so be it----good luck to you, and stand tall


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You know yourself best if you could accept the adultery. And it sounds like you dont. 

And your trust in your wife will never be the same.

Dont worry about your kids. Love them. Be honest with them. They will appreciate you for that as they get older.


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