# H is gone...



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

I was so mad/frustrated, I told him I couldn't take it anymore and I was leaving. He said he would go instead. He packed a bag and left, I don't even know where he is.

I'm such an emotional wreck right now. When my emotions were high I couldn't handle being in the same house with him. Now that he's gone I just don't know. I'm sitting here thinking how did I get to this place? What am I guilty of? I wanted to be closer to my husband and instead I'm feeling completely alone. 

He seemed so unaffected and cold. What happened to the man I wanted to grow old with? He was always distant but never this cold and unfeeling.

I don't know what to do. A big part of me wants to call him and ask him to come home, and another part thinks maybe him leaving is for the best


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

feel sad for you. I don't know what happened between you. When I look at the statistics, it really puts me to a nervous spot. Sounds like it is getting more and more difficult for couples to grow old together!


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I'm feeling so sad for you right now... I'm sure you're in that panic place where we've all been or are dreading to go. Hard to breathe, hard to think straight. It seems you initiated this separation, but for the time being, see it for what it is -- time away from one another to think. I don't know what you're going through or what your situation is, and I'm sure it feels like the walls are closing in on you right now. But take a deep breath and know that these immediate panic feelings will pass. You need a while to clear your head and think clearly about what you want. Whatever you decide, I wish you well in getting what you want. Call a family member or friend. Go see a friend. Sleepover if necessary. Whatever it takes to get through the night...


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Hopeful1 said:


> I'm feeling so sad for you right now... I'm sure you're in that panic place where we've all been or are dreading to go. Hard to breathe, hard to think straight. It seems you initiated this separation, but for the time being, see it for what it is -- time away from one another to think. I don't know what you're going through or what your situation is, and I'm sure it feels like the walls are closing in on you right now. But take a deep breath and know that these immediate panic feelings will pass. You need a while to clear your head and think clearly about what you want. Whatever you decide, I wish you well in getting what you want. Call a family member or friend. Go see a friend. Sleepover if necessary. Whatever it takes to get through the night...



Thanks for your concern. You pretty much said all that I feel. My only family member is going through her own problems right now and I don't want to burden her. The friends I do have are more like acquaintances and so that wouldn't be appropriate. Besides that my kids have school in the morning...

Emotions are coming at me all at once. A small part of me thought he wouldn't be able to walk out the door. Just one more time where I wasn't important. And so while I am in pain he will probably go out and drink to ease his pain(is he feeling pain right now?) and maybe he will seek out companionship in the arms of another tonight.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You HAVE to protect yourself first. Him leaving will give both of you time to think about what's going on. You have to think about what you need in your life for the next 20, 40, 50 years. Just having a man in the house is not enough. Happiness is what matters. If he can't give you that, you need to find someone who can.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

You're married with kids. Of course he'll feel pain. Or anger. Or something -- but it won't be comfortable I can assure you. He may drink to ease it but that only proves that it's there. Maybe drinking is part of the problem...been there, not fun. Not likely he'll seek out companionship, unless that's also part of the problem. If it is, you can't dwell on that right now. You made a stand for yourself -- and I'm guessing your kids -- and you need to be proud of yourself for that. You'll be thinking more clearly in the morning, hopefully, but maybe there's some way you can find someone to talk to tonight if you need it? I know your family member is having her own trouble, but sometimes (like for me right now!) listening and lending support to the needs of others helps to give us a break from our own problems. Just a thought... Or maybe take a Xanax and hit the hay?  It's been my remedy many nights these past few weeks. The dark of night always seems to be the hardest time...


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

turnera said:


> You HAVE to protect yourself first. Him leaving will give both of you time to think about what's going on. You have to think about what you need in your life for the next 20, 40, 50 years. Just having a man in the house is not enough. Happiness is what matters. If he can't give you that, you need to find someone who can.


I know you are right, I've said this to myself too. The pain is just awful. And not wanting to cave but wanting to at the same time.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So sorry this has happened. Here's a great big HUG Well, you've got all of us! Hopeful1 may have a point. Perhaps now would be a good time for you and the family member to reach out to each other.


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Hopeful1 said:


> You're married with kids. Of course he'll feel pain. Or anger. Or something -- but it won't be comfortable I can assure you. He may drink to ease it but that only proves that it's there. Maybe drinking is part of the problem...been there, not fun. Not likely he'll seek out companionship, unless that's also part of the problem. If it is, you can't dwell on that right now. You made a stand for yourself -- and I'm guessing your kids -- and you need to be proud of yourself for that. You'll be thinking more clearly in the morning, hopefully, but maybe there's some way you can find someone to talk to tonight if you need it? I know your family member is having her own trouble, but sometimes (like for me right now!) listening and lending support to the needs of others helps to give us a break from our own problems. Just a thought... Or maybe take a Xanax and hit the hay?  It's been my remedy many nights these past few weeks. The dark of night always seems to be the hardest time...


Thank you and yes I know it needed to be done, taking a stand for me and my kids. It's just a crushing blow when I thought this would be an eye opener for him. I hoped it would anyway..

I'm not one for drinking but I may benefit from that bottle of Amaretto in the kitchen tonight.


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

827Aug said:


> So sorry this has happened. Here's a great big HUG Well, you've got all of us! Hopeful1 may have a point. Perhaps now would be a good time for you and the family member to reach out to each other.


I'll see how I'm coping. Thanks for the hug, it helps


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

He just texted me about needing to use the truck tomorrow. That was it.

My son is telling me H got pretty cleaned up and doused in cologne before he left. Even shaved. He always shaves in the morning only, as it breaks him out otherwise..


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Oh boy. I'm thinking that Amaretto is looking pretty good right about now...but don't go overboard with your kids in the house, of course 

Don't read into anything he does right now. It'll only drive you crazy and make things feel worse than they are. Take some deep breaths, call your family member if needed and know that you WILL make it through this. And keep writing here... we'll keep you busy for a while!


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Hopeful1 said:


> Oh boy. I'm thinking that Amaretto is looking pretty good right about now...but don't go overboard with your kids in the house, of course
> 
> Don't read into anything he does right now. It'll only drive you crazy and make things feel worse than they are. Take some deep breaths, call your family member if needed and know that you WILL make it through this. And keep writing here... we'll keep you busy for a while!


Oh no, I realize I need to keep control for my kids, absolutely. It's hard to maintain composure in front of them though, when all I want to do is cry my eyes out.

It's very nice of you to offer me support, thank you 

I know in the past when H and I had made up after a fight he would tell me his buddies had invited him out drinking but he refused (alcohol isn't a problem as we both only drink maybe once or twice a year). 

I just can't help but think if he is out with buddies and alcohol is involved, with the shape our marriage is in, our problems haven't really fueled my desire to keep him happy in the sex department.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

"I just can't help but think if he is out with buddies and alcohol is involved, with the shape our marriage is in, our problems haven't really fueled my desire to keep him happy in the sex department."

You just CAN'T go there in your head...just because things are rough doesn't mean someone cheats. His buddies may just help him out with a few drinks (or not if he's not a drinker) and a place to go to not think about anything else. He'll then crash for the night and wake up alone -- his morning reality will be no pleasant thing, I assure you. He's human -- he has some type of feelings for you or you both would have been done a long time ago. And what you're going through I'm sure he's going through as well. You're both in a very tough spot -- a crossroads to be sure. But just hunker down until the morning comes around and you'll feel things bit more clearly.

How's the amaretto going?


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Hopeful1 said:


> "I just can't help but think if he is out with buddies and alcohol is involved, with the shape our marriage is in, our problems haven't really fueled my desire to keep him happy in the sex department."
> 
> You just CAN'T go there in your head...just because things are rough doesn't mean someone cheats. His buddies may just help him out with a few drinks (or not if he's not a drinker) and a place to go to not think about anything else. He'll then crash for the night and wake up alone -- his morning reality will be no pleasant thing, I assure you. He's human -- he has some type of feelings for you or you both would have been done a long time ago. And what you're going through I'm sure he's going through as well. You're both in a very tough spot -- a crossroads to be sure. But just hunker down until the morning comes around and you'll feel things bit more clearly.
> 
> How's the amaretto going?


Not going crazy with it, but just enough to kind of curb the panic.

I've had an hour of sleep in the last 34 hours, you'd think I'd have passed out by now but instead I'm all keyed up.

I can't seem to put a thought together, I have so much going on. I only know I want to go back 5 years and know the things I know now. I'm desperate to regain what we had then and take that and broaden it even further to really connect with my husband.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

ButterflyKisses,

How are you doing today????? I thought about you as soon as I woke up...

I'm sure you're still in an awful place right now, but is it any better than last night? Are you coping OK?


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

I'm doing better than last night so far, thanks for thinking of me 

At this point I am just thinking what am I going to do. If he initiates conversation, if he comes back home, or if he doesn't do any of those things. And how will I handle it.

Also, do I want to ask him to come back home or not, would more time apart do us some good.

In looking at it from the viewpoint that I'm taking a stand, what exactly do I need from him to even consider him coming back.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband "ran away from home" (this is what he refers to it as) about 2 months ago. Packed up his things while I was at work and then left. When I got home and couldn't find him and noticed a lot of his things were gone I knew he had left.

When he finally decided to answer his phone, he said that he needed some time away to think, everything was messed up, he couldn't keep his thoughts together and his only thought was to leave and get himself straight.

At first I was panicked and distraught with that sinking feeling in he pit of my stomach. Once I calmed down, I thought - okay, maybe this is the best thing and if he comes back, he comes back, if not, I'll deal with it - this gave me time to think also.

Well, he apparently drove around for 18 hours and was back home the next day. I decided not to ask him where he had been and told him I was just thankful he was home.

I then took a long, very long, hard look at myself to see what part I may have had in forcing him to take such action. I focused on ME, not what he had done wrong or right. I started really being honest with my part in the marriage and where I was successful and where I had failed and I started to work on those areas...I did research on the internet, I joined several marriage-help type websites (the free ones), took advantage of all free marriage courses and advice and newsletters and so on.

I have gained so much insight into myself, what makes me tick, what makes him tick, men/women, relationships, etc., that I wished I would have had this wake-up call years ago.

It's taken some effort, but our communication is more open, we are now both enjoying being with each other, I have made him feel safe enough to share feelings he hasn't shared with me in the past, etc. I'm actually getting to know more about the husband I've been married to for more than 25 years.

Bottom line - might be a good break. It is a great time to really look at yourself and see what part you have played in the unhappiness in your marriage, because it takes two - most of us don't want to admit that, but when a marriage is good - it takes two, when its bad, it takes two. See where you can make some positive changes in your part of the marriage, maybe that will bring him out more (BTW, my husband is closed off and not a feelings type person either).

When I really took the time, I discovered that I wasn't as "perfect" a wife as I thought I was. I had some issues that I was ignoring or thought were okay and they weren't with my husband. Some examples are:

- Taking everything personally. Sometimes a joke is just that - a joke - everything is not about or directed to me.
- My tone of voice. He is not a child and I don't need to speak with him as though he is. Habit when you have kids.
- Praise more than criticize. He isn't ALWAYS a jerk, he isn't ALWAYS insensitive - praise those times when he is being nice and helpful, etc.
- Ask his input. Just don't assume that my way is the right way and that I'll do it anyway so he shouldn't have an input - he has good ideas too.
- Admit when I'm wrong and apologize. This is a hard one, but when I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
- Learn his love language. His is acts of service. That explains why he gets upset when he asks me to do something and I put it off. So now I do it and do it promptly which shows him I love him and how he feels.
- Silence does not mean rejection. I love to talk and silence is a problem for me and always makes me feel like the other person is rejecting me. He is a quiet person, silence is just that, he's being quiet - its not personal or a reflection on me.
- Your future determines how you perceive your past. You can't forget about slights in the past, but you can forgive them and make your future better. Let go of things in the past, you can't change them but you can make sure not to repeat them.
- Name calling and derogatory comments are never forgotten and you can't take them back. I do a lot more "thinking" before I speak these days to make sure I'm fighting fair and not saying something that I'll regret later.

So, sorry for the long post - but I've been there and things can turn around and turn around quickly with major changes in behavior. My changes have directly led to his changes. He is more patient, more open, actually wants to spend time with me, is polite when he speaks now and a changed man too. In addition, the sex part is improving also - guess there really is some truth to the fact that a lot of men have to feel emotionally connected to their wives in order to have a healthy sex life.

I hope this helps and I hope your family gets back together (or not, depending on what is best for you). Just remember, you are not alone and maybe a break is what you both need.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Butterfly, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better. You'll have your ups and downs for a while, for sure. I'm near the bottom of a down-swing myself right now -- anxiety, nausea, nervousness -- because of my nasty situation. I just know that things will swing up at some point. You need to believe the same.

MarriedWife is right... this is a good time for introspection about what you really want, how you got to this point, and where you want to go. Her words are poignant, especially to someone like me who did the wrongs to her husband that pushed him away. We're still in the house together and have started counseling (he agreed, which is at least something) but the distance between us these days feels like miles. And I'm trying to take MarriedWife's approach by asking "How did I get here" and "What can I do to be a better person." It's the focusing on me that's helping a bit.

Butterfly, I know you have some questions in your mind to get through. Just stay true to yourself, your wishes and needs -- and to those of your children. "This, too, shall pass" and hopefully you'll have a light at the end of the tunnel soon.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

This is a fab post MWIL. Well done you.

Bob




MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My husband "ran away from home" (this is what he refers to it as) about 2 months ago. Packed up his things while I was at work and then left. When I got home and couldn't find him and noticed a lot of his things were gone I knew he had left.
> 
> When he finally decided to answer his phone, he said that he needed some time away to think, everything was messed up, he couldn't keep his thoughts together and his only thought was to leave and get himself straight.
> 
> ...


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BK,
Give it time. Time to let your emotions settle down. Sounds like you were both very wound up, taught and about to snap. Best thing sometimes is to break the connection from one another and get some breathing space.

I wish you well.

Bob


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks AFEH - my moments are few and far in between.

But I meant every word, I have gained so much insight into myself and my relationship that I only wished I had earlier in our marriage and we would have both been happier and more fulfilled.

I've learned that it's not about me - its about us. If you change your perspective and make it about you as a couple, your outlook changes and its easier to give, than to just take and you find that your spouse starts giving more too.

I feel more fulfilled and happier than I have in a while. But it took time, effort, research and change on my part to make it happen. I quit trying to change him and changed myself and look at what happened!


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

UPDATE

H is back - we are getting the kids movies and are going to spend some quality time together tonight (something we've neglected to do for a long time)

Oh, and no drinking and no alternate companionship went on 

MWIL - thanks for all the tips, going to start working on them!

Hopeful - thanks again for being there when I was in my dark, ugly place.

Bob - Thanks for your response also. I let H decide if HE was ready to come home.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

:smthumbup:

I'm SO happy for you! I'm sure you still may be in for some ups and downs, but maybe the honest but gentle communication can start between you -- and maybe you'll both be in a place to hear one another. I'm hoping that my husband will reach the communication stage soon...

So glad to know that you're out of your dark place -- I'm somewhere in the grey right now with hubby. And like I said last night, listening to other folk's issues and lending support certainly helps to keep us out of our own heads. So you were as much helping me last night as I was helping you...

Keep your chin up BK, and roll with what comes your way. You showed yourself to be a strong woman -- and that should feel incredible. And if you ever need more support, you know where to find us all!


----------

