# DanF -- you still around???



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hey DanF. My H's R&R is approaching, very late in the game I might add. He is already 38 weeks into the deployment, and his R&R is about 3 more weeks away. 

Things have been going really well. We both have made it a point to be very aware of how we talk to one another, since its easy to get snappy during those long deployments.

I don't have any plans for him. I figured he could come home ( of course outfit and lingerie on me) with all his favorite stuff in the house. I am in school, as are the kids, and none of us can afford to miss two weeks of it. So I thought he could just relax while we are gone. I don't want him cleaning or cooking (unless he wants to grill) I just want him to rest! relax! Play his video games, whatever. 

He has mentioned that he wants to feel like he is contributing while he is home, so I thought he could get the easter baskets for the kids. Maybe that and any small things he wants to do around the house. 

Any thoughts from you? R&R is for some reason a huge trigger for me, since last time he came back with really bad PTSD. Trying to cope with my anxiety by hitting the gym, and hopefully it will take the edge off. 

Got any pointers for me?? You are always the one I run to when I need this type of advice lol.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Dawn,
it's good to hear from you again. I was wondering where you had gone, but figured if you weren't posting, then things must be going well.
As far as R&R goes, let him rest, but casually mention things that need fixing or need attention at home. An optional "honeydo" list of sorts.
Play it by ear. You're pretty smart.

I'm happy to hear that you are doing well.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

These classes and my kiddos have been keeping me so tied up!! I am so glad I am finally getting some time to come back and post. Feels like its been forever.

I am not so worried about him having things to do, but more worried about how to break our cycle. Its a weird cycle, but here it is:
Day 1: Lots of sex, lots of hanging out with the 
kids and catching up.

Day 2: Same thing, might have a couple drinks 
together and relax with the kids.

Day 3: He usually starts getting really annoyed 
at little things. (Kids being excited he is 
home and wanting him to play with them)

Day 4: He picks a fight. This lasts until a day 
before he goes back. 

Its an ugly pattern and I am trying to not let US fall into it. He does pick the fight, but I think my ego probably makes me defensive.

Do I just tell him " Don't pick a fight" ?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> These classes and my kiddos have been keeping me so tied up!! I am so glad I am finally getting some time to come back and post. Feels like its been forever.
> 
> I am not so worried about him having things to do, but more worried about how to break our cycle. Its a weird cycle, but here it is:
> Day 1: Lots of sex, lots of hanging out with the
> ...


I think that on Day 2, you show him this pattern. Say, "I can tell you right now what's going to happen for the next XX days. this is how it always goes.
I don't want to listen to you snap at the kids because they love their Dad and are excited.
I am not going to fight with you until just before you go back just so that you can get laid.
We are here every day and we can make it without fighting. You can, too. I do not want your R&R time and our very short time together to be wasted on an argument. 
So what can I do to help avoid this? The kids are kids, you're going to have to suck it up for them, but I will try my part to make sure that you enjoy yourself and us if you will try just as hard."

How long is he home for?
Back to the Desert?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

DanF said:


> I think that on Day 2, you show him this pattern. Say, "I can tell you right now what's going to happen for the next XX days. this is how it always goes.
> I don't want to listen to you snap at the kids because they love their Dad and are excited.
> I am not going to fight with you until just before you go back just so that you can get laid.
> We are here every day and we can make it without fighting. You can, too. I do not want your R&R time and our very short time together to be wasted on an argument.
> ...


 I am trying to tread carefully. I think when I try to point out similar behaviors that end up with similar problems, he thinks that its always going to be like that. Almost like I never forget it and won't give him a chance to change. But I can't be certain, since I can only guess what his looks mean when we do this.

He has his 2 week R&R and then literally goes back for 2 months until he is home. We are already 38 weeks into the deployment, so we waited til the end due to our autistic son. I think seeing him leave again is going to destroy him, so we waited as to not destroy his entire school year. I am not sure what the fallout will be for my sons, but at least he will be back pretty quick.

He really has me stumped here, and I don't want to make the wrong comment that will make him think that anything he did in the past will come back to bite him if i know about it. Almost like its setting a bad consequence for me getting the truth. Does that make sense? I feel like I am talking in circles today.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I am trying to tread carefully. I think when I try to point out similar behaviors that end up with similar problems, he thinks that its always going to be like that. Almost like I never forget it and won't give him a chance to change. But I can't be certain, since I can only guess what his looks mean when we do this.
> 
> He has his 2 week R&R and then literally goes back for 2 months until he is home. We are already 38 weeks into the deployment, so we waited til the end due to our autistic son. I think seeing him leave again is going to destroy him, so we waited as to not destroy his entire school year. I am not sure what the fallout will be for my sons, but at least he will be back pretty quick.
> 
> He really has me stumped here, and I don't want to make the wrong comment that will make him think that anything he did in the past will come back to bite him if i know about it. Almost like its setting a bad consequence for me getting the truth. Does that make sense? I feel like I am talking in circles today.


I can understand that you feel like you're in a "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.
I have thought about it for a while and really can't give you what I think is a good answer. I'm sorry.
However, I am going to tell you this.
In the past, it seems you have let this go enough to have mapped out a pattern. How many times? Enough to say with some probability that you can predict the outcome?
If so, then another tactic is called for...

*Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein.*


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I hope you do not mind me putting my two cents worth in here. One of my duties in Iraq was to brief all military members and DOD and DA civilians when they were due to go home on R & R from Iraq. It was a requirement before they came home.

1. Expect jet lag and that the military member can be out of sorts for a few days. 
2. Plan what you want to do during your two weeks but do not plan too much or too little.
3. Do not allow outsiders to influence where you go and who you visit. The time should be spent with immediate family first. Others can see you when you are done with your mission.
4. Anxiety about returning will start days before you leave. Many folks that I counseled talked about previous R & R's and how nasty it got. Discuss this, recognize the signs and try to make the best of the last days and nights together.

If you start to discuss the issues now before he comes home it should lessen the anxiety and behaviors when he comes home. 

Whether you like it or not understand that his mind is home but also in the mission overseas. It is almost impossible to separate it. He has a mission to finish and his mind is still there. R & R is not fair in many ways and sucks big time in other ways. I never took R & R at home. It was too stressful for me to say goodbye again. 

His past behavior is in line with how many others in his shoes react. I believe the more you discuss it prior to him coming home the better R & R will be for all of you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Thorburn said:


> I hope you do not mind me putting my two cents worth in here. One of my duties in Iraq was to brief all military members and DOD and DA civilians when they were due to go home on R & R from Iraq. It was a requirement before they came home.
> 
> 1. Expect jet lag and that the military member can be out of sorts for a few days.
> 2. Plan what you want to do during your two weeks but do not plan too much or too little.
> ...


I appreciate your input. I am actually prior service, so I have been there. But we do get stuck in this routine. HOWEVER hahahaha had to put that in caps, since this is the first deployment since his affair, I am trying to prepare without holding past issues against him. So it leaves me.....stuck. I am more than accommodate for all of the things mentioned above, but the fact that his R&R is right in the middle of my schooling and the kids schooling leaves us with a small amount of time together. Which might actually be good. He will have all day to do as he pleases and we will have nights and a weekend or two as a family. 

If you have any further ideas on how to nip his attempts to push me into an argument I am all ears. I think if I just let go of my ego it will be fine. But one can never have too many useful tips. I think I have a handle on it, but as Dan stated above, kinda damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling going on over here.

I am lucky enough to have family that don't interfere on R&R at all. they all stay away and let us have our time.


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