# The Lady Across the Street ...



## dianaelaine59

So ... I had to fly from NY to Oregon for a week to care for my son who is terminal. My husband was alone at home during this time.

I'm 66 and he's 69.

Single woman across the street is about 60 give or take.

We live in a very secluded country setting.

Ever since I've been back, if we're in the front yard, husband looks across the street at single woman's house whenever she's home. 

He doesn't look over when she's gone.

When she pulls in after work, and we're out in the yard, he looks over at her.

There's no greeting, he looks and then looks away.

I asked him what's up, and told him it annoyed me. He brushed it off as me making something out of nothing.

It continued, and I asked if something happened while I was gone. He said no of course not, but a grin was just behind his straight face, hard to explain. 

Today, I got very angry when he glanced over again, and asked if he ****ed her. He was very angry and screamed "If I DID **** her, it was beautiful"!

Ummm excuse me? Who SAYS that, if nothing happened??

He swears up and down that nothing went on, but I don't believe him.

I'd like your opinion on this.

He's saying he responded that way because he was tired of being accused of something he didn't do.

Your thoughts?


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## Faithful Wife

Have you ever accused him like this before? Just asking so I can share my thoughts. It depends on the history of this kind of thing.


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## SentHereForAReason

Sorry to hear about your son. Is your husband the father? Seems odd that your son should be central focus right now but your husband is potentially acting weird?


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## arbitrator

*IMHO, he'd be well worth watching, at least for the time being.

Those "across the street glances" of his seem to be somewhat unnerving for a married man!*


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## Handy

* dianaelaine59
He's saying he responded that way because he was tired of being accused of something he didn't do.*

I would go with the above.

I watch all of my neighbors come and go, especially if they are friendly, then I wave at them and they do the same to me.


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## Elizabeth001

Handy said:


> * dianaelaine59
> 
> He's saying he responded that way because he was tired of being accused of something he didn't do.*
> 
> 
> 
> I would go with the above.
> 
> 
> 
> I watch all of my neighbors come and go, especially if they are friendly, then I wave at them and they do the same to me.




Yes but is this NEW behavior?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married

Could be yes ....could be no. Asking him over and over isn't going to help..except make him hide it more and more (if he has something to hide).
Any history of his to make you suspect something could happen?


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## Andy1001

Two years ago you were looking for advice on how to retrieve information from your husbands phone.
Did anything show up back then?


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## dianaelaine59

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you ever accused him like this before? Just asking so I can share my thoughts. It depends on the history of this kind of thing.



No I have not.


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## dianaelaine59

stillfightingforus said:


> Sorry to hear about your son. Is your husband the father? Seems odd that your son should be central focus right now but your husband is potentially acting weird?


No, he's not the father. I'm divorced from my son's father.

And yes, this is an added stress and burden on me.


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## dianaelaine59

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, he'd be well worth watching, at least for the time being.
> 
> Those "across the street glances" of his seem to be somewhat unnerving for a married man!*



I agree ... and he did tell me that while I was gone, they met at the mailbox and she was asking him about our new shed. I just feel there's more to that than an innocent conversation.

And also, I've asked him to please stop the looking, and he still does. 
As you've said, unnerving AND disrespectful if you ask me.


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## dianaelaine59

Handy said:


> * dianaelaine59
> He's saying he responded that way because he was tired of being accused of something he didn't do.*
> 
> I would go with the above.
> 
> I watch all of my neighbors come and go, especially if they are friendly, then I wave at them and they do the same to me.


BUT, what of the "If I did, then it was ****ing beautiful"!

Why would you EVER say that to someone you love and ummmm, respect?

Those words were especially hurtful.


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## dianaelaine59

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes but is this NEW behavior?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes it is ...


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## dianaelaine59

Mr.Married said:


> Could be yes ....could be no. Asking him over and over isn't going to help..except make him hide it more and more (if he has something to hide).
> Any history of his to make you suspect something could happen?


History you say .... 

He cheated on his first wife with their 16 year old babysitter, (he was 42) left wife then moved in with sitter 1 year later. That eventually ended when sitter found a new lover OLDER than my husband.

Yes, I know that was statutory rape, yet no one did anything about it.

He DID eventually cheat on her also, although she cheated first. Ugh, such a mess!

More history if anyone wants to know.


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## dianaelaine59

Andy1001 said:


> Two years ago you were looking for advice on how to retrieve information from your husbands phone.
> Did anything show up back then?


No, I could find nothing.


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## Chaparral

Google serial cheater


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## Hope Shimmers

dianaelaine59 said:


> BUT, what of the "If I did, then it was ****ing beautiful"!


Out of extreme frustration.

You accused him (based on his looking and no more proof) of cheating. What can he possibly say? Because you are waiting for him to say/do something to verify your accusation, correct?

I don't know your husband, obviously, so maybe he cheated. But so far you have nothing to base it on. There is NOTHING more agonizing than being repeatedly accused of something you didn't do.

This happened in my last long-term relationship -- made worse by the fact that it was an LDR. One day he kept after me and after me and AFTER me, saying I cheated on him. I didn't cheat on him -- I wanted only him. But nothing I said could convince him of that. After being accused of it the 90th time, I finally said, "YES! I dated some guy!" And I sent him a photo of the guy. 

Really horrible of me, but my thoughts at the time were.... okay, he's going to think this no matter what, so let's give him what he wants!" I was angry.

Reality was I had gone on one date with the guy when I wasn't with boyfriend. But when I did what I did, and said what I said to boyfriend, it ruined our relationship. The only one that mattered.


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## dianaelaine59

An added note I thought I'd mention.

When I returned, he had new reading glasses instead of the prescription glasses he's had for years.

I asked him where his glasses were and why the new ones. He said he couldn't find them, he misplaced them. I said let's look for them in the house and car, as they were expensive and made for him. 

He said he HAD looked everywhere, he must have lost them. He stayed with that story until I started to look.

Out of the blue he said, they broke, I threw them away.

I said, I thought you misplaced them? He got angry and defensive and said, I FORGOT OK!

He went from absolutely misplacing them to breaking them. It's one or the other, how can it be both? 

Especially when I asked him twice, and he insisted he just couldn't find them.

Am I just crazy here or what?


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## dianaelaine59

Hope Shimmers said:


> Out of extreme frustration.
> 
> You accused him (based on his looking and no more proof) of cheating. What can he possibly say? Because you are waiting for him to say/do something to verify your accusation, correct?
> 
> I don't know your husband, obviously, so maybe he cheated. But so far you have nothing to base it on. There is NOTHING more agonizing than being repeatedly accused of something you didn't do.
> 
> This happened in my last long-term relationship -- made worse by the fact that it was an LDR. One day he kept after me and after me and AFTER me, saying I cheated on him. I didn't cheat on him -- I wanted only him. But nothing I said could convince him of that. After being accused of it the 90th time, I finally said, "YES! I dated some guy!" And I sent him a photo of the guy.
> 
> Really horrible of me, but my thoughts at the time were.... okay, he's going to think this no matter what, so let's give him what he wants!" I was angry.
> 
> Reality was I had gone on one date with the guy when I wasn't with boyfriend. But when I did what I did, and said what I said to boyfriend, it ruined our relationship. The only one that mattered.


Well, that's a horrible thing to say to me, when I'm dealing with my son on the other side of the US who's terminal!

I can understand what you're saying, but to say it was beautiful, when I'm dealing with so much in my life .... just so ****ty.


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## Blondilocks

Look, when you know the woman is home, knock on her door and say 'Hi, my husband tells me that you two are having a sexual relationship (watch her face and body language). What do you have to say about that?'. Proceed from there.

Did you find out about his sexual shenanigans before or after you married?

I don't want to disrespect your husband; but he is a POS.


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## She'sStillGotIt

dianaelaine59 said:


> He cheated on his first wife with their 16 year old babysitter, (he was 42) left wife then moved in with sitter 1 year later.


Where do you folks LIVE that something like* that* can happen and your husband doesn't get his ass kicked from here to next Tuesday by this girl's kinfolk or have his pervert ass thrown in jail? I'm just being honest, but that's all I needed to hear about him to know this guy has absolutely NO integrity or character at all and will literally pounce on any opportunity to unzip his pants - even if it IS a 16 year old teenage high school girl.



> Am I just crazy here or what?


I'm sorry, but he's so sleazy and his nasty ass comments to you when your son is terminally ill are really just indicative of his complete lack of character. He's already shown you how little he cares about what you're going through and now he's lying about what really happened to his glasses. This guy really really is just the *bottom* of the barrel and he's EXACTLY the type who would take advantage of his wife's absence tending to her terminally ill son to see if he can get himself laid. He's utterly repulsive in every single way.

Every. Single. Way.

His sleazy and shady behavior has obviously been a red flag for you for a long time if you were asking how to retrieve stuff off his phone two years ago. 

I'd be* SO* done with this POS and would move to Oregon to be with someone who actually loves you and respects you - and needs you A LOT more than this mouth-breathing pervert.


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## Hope Shimmers

dianaelaine59 said:


> Well, that's a horrible thing to say to me, when I'm dealing with my son on the other side of the US who's terminal!
> 
> I can understand what you're saying, but to say it was beautiful, when I'm dealing with so much in my life .... just so ****ty.


I am truly sorry about your son. I have lost a child too, so I would never wish that on anyone.

What I offered you was my own experience and opinion on the subject matter that you posted. Sorry if you didn't like it. I think it's good to consider all possibilities though.


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## dianaelaine59

So then ... are there others here that think his reaction could be from me asking him about it so much?


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## dianaelaine59

Hope Shimmers said:


> I am truly sorry about your son. I have lost a child too, so I would never wish that on anyone.
> 
> What I offered you was my own experience and opinion on the subject matter that you posted. Sorry if you didn't like it. I think it's good to consider all possibilities though.


Thank you, I have considered that.


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## personofinterest

Honestly, he sounds like a sleaze based on his cradle robbing past.

That said, if all you have to go on is him looking across the street and you have been pestering him all this time.....then he probably DID just snap out of frustration. It was a HORRIBLE thing to say, but do you have a history of reading so much into glances?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

It sounds suspicious for sure.

Any health issues with him, any chance of early symptoms of mental impairment? As you already know I'm sure, outbursts and forgetfulness can be early signs.

I like the comment above - go ask the neighbor in some shape or form. Or invite her over for lunch sometime, surprise your H, watch his face as she comes in the house, and hers.


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## CharlieParker

dianaelaine59 said:


> So then ... are there others here that think his reaction could be from me asking him about it so much?


I think it could be, that doesn't excuse it, it's still an incredibly ****ty thing to say.

How is your sex life? And how does he perceive it?


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## katies

If my husband said that kind of thing to me I'd be done. What an a$$.
However, if you knew the history of what he did before you married him I'm wondering why you married him? That's freaking SLEEZE CITY. 
I'd confront the neighbor too, just so I knew I wasn't crazy. Nonchalantly of course.
Do you have access to the phone records?


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## dianaelaine59

personofinterest said:


> Honestly, he sounds like a sleaze based on his cradle robbing past.
> 
> That said, if all you have to go on is him looking across the street and you have been pestering him all this time.....then he probably DID just snap out of frustration. It was a HORRIBLE thing to say, but do you have a history of reading so much into glances?


glances, lost glasses while I was gone which changed to broke and thrown away, and just this morning he informed me he didn't love me anymore.


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## dianaelaine59

Married 21 years, and no I did not know about his past.
He and his whole family kept it from me.

I would LOVE to go to my son, but we took out a loan for me to go for the week, and financially I can't go back right now.

In 6 months I'll have our credit in a really good place, and money saved .... but it may be too late. Horribly hard, stressful and sad.

As for approaching the neughbor, he's never been on my side, and he WILL make me look foolish and I believe she will too, because she's NOT friendly at all, has always been snooty to me.

I don't think my emotions could handle that right now.


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## dianaelaine59

Sex life: have never refused him sex unless very sick, I'm very adventerous, had no problem asking for it, etc.

OFTEN ... much more than most of his coworkers ever got it. He's retired, but it's remained the same EXCEPT very recently because of his lack of care, attention, etc.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

So sorry you're hit with all this. Look out for yourself emotionally and financially. It sounds like H has gone off the rails.


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## katies

So, he doesn't love you and never takes your side, says crappy things to you... what are you going to do?


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## rv10flyer

dianaelaine59 said:


> glances, lost glasses while I was gone which changed to broke and thrown away, and just this morning he informed me he didn't love me anymore.


He is probably like the serial-cheating, hypocrite preacher that I busted last summer. Their shenanigans with the ladies have been going on since they were teenagers and will never end. Your husband reacted like he did, because he got caught. The mice will play in the shed when the cat is away. 

So, do you have time or want to prove his infidelity? It is really easy. 

For him to tell you he does not love you anymore, he has likely been messing around for a while now. And most likely, not just with your 60 yr old neighbor. I am sorry that you do not have the support of an honorable, faithful, loving man during your son’s health issues.

Let me guess, when you confronted him about the 16 yr old, he and his family blamed her for seducing him? My wife’s ex preacher still blames her too.


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## TeddieG

dianaelaine59 said:


> An added note I thought I'd mention.
> 
> When I returned, he had new reading glasses instead of the prescription glasses he's had for years.
> 
> I asked him where his glasses were and why the new ones. He said he couldn't find them, he misplaced them. I said let's look for them in the house and car, as they were expensive and made for him.
> 
> He said he HAD looked everywhere, he must have lost them. He stayed with that story until I started to look.
> 
> Out of the blue he said, they broke, I threw them away.
> 
> I said, I thought you misplaced them? He got angry and defensive and said, I FORGOT OK!
> 
> He went from absolutely misplacing them to breaking them. It's one or the other, how can it be both?
> 
> Especially when I asked him twice, and he insisted he just couldn't find them.
> 
> Am I just crazy here or what?


No, you're not crazy, he's gaslighting you.

And if he's likely to a) lie about something so small, and b) get so volatile when you ask, there's something seriously wrong with this picture.


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## sa58

Concentrate on yourself and your son for now.
Get your finances in order, He sounds like everyone 
else has said a serial cheater. The neighbor may be 
just the latest one. Do not wast your time confronting
her. If she is cheating with her neighbors husband she
is not much anyways. 

Do not confront him or accuse him anymore, until 
you have proof. If you have friends or relatives 
close by let them keep an eye on him also. 
His actions will speak louder than words.
If you decide to divorce him you will need 
proof. Solid proof (undeniable proof )

You and your son first there will no doubt be 
time to deal with him, evidence first.


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## NobodySpecial

I don't get it. Why the focus on is he is or is he isn't cheating? His response is damned disrespectful and mean regardless.


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## FieryHairedLady

Honey I am so sorry you are going thru all this. 

You need to take a good hard look at your marriage and decide what you want to do?

But FIRST, you need to get back to your son. You can always make more money/pay off credit later. 

Get back to your son. 

We lost our 25 y/o dd unexpectedly in Jan this year. It is heart breaking.

HUGS


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## rv10flyer

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't get it. Why the focus on is he is or is he isn't cheating? His response is damned disrespectful and mean regardless.


Yes, I agree with you. He is mean, disrespectful. Sorry, I did not mention that above. He is also definitely cheating again.


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## She'sStillGotIt

dianaelaine59 said:


> glances, lost glasses while I was gone which changed to broke and thrown away, and just this morning he informed me he didn't love me anymore.


I am so very, very sorry for you and your son. 

Unfortunately, you were conned by your husband from *Day #1* with his lies and refusal to tell you who he REALLY is, so you don't owe him a damned THING - except a throat punch and divorce papers. You know exactly who he is and how low he's capable of sinking in life. I'm amazed that you didn't leave him when you found out how he'd conned you and lied about his past. He's nothing more than a con man with no code of ethics at all. Virtually none.

Even if it's true and he "no longer loves you" like he claims, where the HELL is his sense of common decency and respect for you when you're facing such an utterly horrific life tragedy? Geez, he doesn't need to be 'in love' with you to have a *modicum* of respect for you and your son right now. Hell, *I'm* not in love with you and even *I* have more respect for you right now than he does. 

Diane, your money and credit problems will likely always be there in one form or another. You _know_ this.

But your son however, will not be.

Go be with him and worry about your money problems later.

I can almost guarantee you that a year or two from now, if you don't go be with your son in the next couple of months, you're going to be kicking yourself around the block regretting that you let your fear of spiraling finances keep you from doing what's *really* important. 

Worry about the finances and your shady, sleazy husband *some other time*. Much like your financial problems,_ he _won't be changing for the better anytime soon either, so don't waste your time worrying about him. He's nasty, disrespectful, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, has absolutely no ethics at all, and wouldn't know what honesty IS if you shoved it up his ass with a pitchfork. 

He's NOT not deserving of your emotional energy right now. He's *NOT*.


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## FieryHairedLady

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I am so very, very sorry for you and your son.
> 
> Unfortunately, you were conned by your husband from *Day #1* with his lies and refusal to tell you who he REALLY is, so you don't owe him a damned THING - except a throat punch and divorce papers. You know exactly who he is and how low he's capable of sinking in life. I'm amazed that you didn't leave him when you found out how he'd conned you and lied about his past. He's nothing more than a con man with no code of ethics at all. Virtually none.
> 
> Even if it's true and he "no longer loves you" like he claims, where the HELL is his sense of common decency and respect for you when you're facing such an utterly horrific life tragedy? Geez, he doesn't need to be 'in love' with you to have a *modicum* of respect for you and your son right now. Hell, *I'm* not in love with you and even *I* have more respect for you right now than he does.
> 
> Diane, your money and credit problems will likely always be there in one form or another. You _know_ this.
> 
> But your son however, will not be.
> 
> Go be with him and worry about your money problems later.
> 
> I can almost guarantee you that a year or two from now, if you don't go be with your son in the next couple of months, you're going to be kicking yourself around the block regretting that you let your fear of spiraling finances keep you from doing what's *really* important.
> 
> Worry about the finances and your shady, sleazy husband *some other time*. Much like your financial problems,_ he _won't be changing for the better anytime soon either, so don't waste your time worrying about him. He's nasty, disrespectful, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, has absolutely no ethics at all, and wouldn't know what honesty IS if you shoved it up his ass with a pitchfork.
> 
> He's NOT not deserving of your emotional energy right now. He's *NOT*.


Yeah what she said.


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## dianaelaine59

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Where do you folks LIVE that something like* that* can happen and your husband doesn't get his ass kicked from here to next Tuesday by this girl's kinfolk or have his pervert ass thrown in jail? I'm just being honest, but that's all I needed to hear about him to know this guy has absolutely NO integrity or character at all and will literally pounce on any opportunity to unzip his pants - even if it IS a 16 year old teenage high school girl.
> 
> I'm sorry, but he's so sleazy and his nasty ass comments to you when your son is terminally ill are really just indicative of his complete lack of character. He's already shown you how little he cares about what you're going through and now he's lying about what really happened to his glasses. This guy really really is just the *bottom* of the barrel and he's EXACTLY the type who would take advantage of his wife's absence tending to her terminally ill son to see if he can get himself laid. He's utterly repulsive in every single way.
> 
> Every. Single. Way.
> 
> His sleazy and shady behavior has obviously been a red flag for you for a long time if you were asking how to retrieve stuff off his phone two years ago.
> 
> I'd be* SO* done with this POS and would move to Oregon to be with someone who actually loves you and respects you - and needs you A LOT more than this mouth-breathing pervert.


I hear you on the not getting his ass kicked! Actually, if I would have been his first wife, he'd be in prison for rape! I have NO idea why her parents didn't care. 

I want SO bad to be able to move to Oregon, but I have lupus, fibro, cfs, and herniated disk. The trip to Portland took everything I had out of me, the transfer between planes was horrid.

I just don't think I have the physical strength to make the trip again right away. Horribly sad for me, but out of my control.

My oldest son in Seattle is going down to be with him for 5 days beginning on the 18th, and that gives me some relief.


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## dianaelaine59

katies said:


> If my husband said that kind of thing to me I'd be done. What an a$$.
> However, if you knew the history of what he did before you married him I'm wondering why you married him? That's freaking SLEEZE CITY.
> I'd confront the neighbor too, just so I knew I wasn't crazy. Nonchalantly of course.
> Do you have access to the phone records?


No I don't have access to phone records. He uses Straight Talk on a cell phone.

I think it would be bad for me to confront her. He all ready makes it look like I'm embarrassing to him, and I'm too stressed now to deal with more of that.


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## dianaelaine59

katies said:


> So, he doesn't love you and never takes your side, says crappy things to you... what are you going to do?


For now, I've moved out to our tiny house in the yard. We were preparing it for my son, if he was strong enough to fly here.

I would still love him to come and stay for the remaining time, as it's beautiful countryside, but he's too weak.


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## dianaelaine59

rv10flyer said:


> He is probably like the serial-cheating, hypocrite preacher that I busted last summer. Their shenanigans with the ladies have been going on since they were teenagers and will never end. Your husband reacted like he did, because he got caught. The mice will play in the shed when the cat is away.
> 
> So, do you have time or want to prove his infidelity? It is really easy.
> 
> For him to tell you he does not love you anymore, he has likely been messing around for a while now. And most likely, not just with your 60 yr old neighbor. I am sorry that you do not have the support of an honorable, faithful, loving man during your son’s health issues.
> 
> Let me guess, when you confronted him about the 16 yr old, he and his family blamed her for seducing him? My wife’s ex preacher still blames her too.


Please explain how to prove his infidelity.


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## dianaelaine59

sa58 said:


> Concentrate on yourself and your son for now.
> Get your finances in order, He sounds like everyone
> else has said a serial cheater. The neighbor may be
> just the latest one. Do not wast your time confronting
> her. If she is cheating with her neighbors husband she
> is not much anyways.
> 
> Do not confront him or accuse him anymore, until
> you have proof. If you have friends or relatives
> close by let them keep an eye on him also.
> His actions will speak louder than words.
> If you decide to divorce him you will need
> proof. Solid proof (undeniable proof )
> 
> You and your son first there will no doubt be
> time to deal with him, evidence first.



I explained a few posts back, why I'm not able to return to my son right now.

I'm not sure how to obtain solid proof.


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## dianaelaine59

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Honey I am so sorry you are going thru all this.
> 
> You need to take a good hard look at your marriage and decide what you want to do?
> 
> But FIRST, you need to get back to your son. You can always make more money/pay off credit later.
> 
> Get back to your son.
> 
> We lost our 25 y/o dd unexpectedly in Jan this year. It is heart breaking.
> 
> HUGS


I'm so sorry for you! My son is 38 and has been sick for 20 years.

Please read back as to why I'm not able to return right now. I really wish I could get him here.


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## Betrayedone

dianaelaine59 said:


> History you say ....
> 
> He cheated on his first wife with their 16 year old babysitter, (he was 42) left wife then moved in with sitter 1 year later. That eventually ended when sitter found a new lover OLDER than my husband.
> 
> Yes, I know that was statutory rape, yet no one did anything about it.
> 
> He DID eventually cheat on her also, although she cheated first. Ugh, such a mess!
> 
> More history if anyone wants to know.


OMG! And what part of this do you find attractive? I was willing to jump in and offer some constructive advice until I read about your husband's creepy past......Good luck with that.


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## dianaelaine59

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I am so very, very sorry for you and your son.
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> 
> Unfortunately, you were conned by your husband from *Day #1* with his lies and refusal to tell you who he REALLY is, so you don't owe him a damned THING - except a throat punch and divorce papers. You know exactly who he is and how low he's capable of sinking in life. I'm amazed that you didn't leave him when you found out how he'd conned you and lied about his past. He's nothing more than a con man with no code of ethics at all. Virtually none.
> 
> Even if it's true and he "no longer loves you" like he claims, where the HELL is his sense of common decency and respect for you when you're facing such an utterly horrific life tragedy? Geez, he doesn't need to be 'in love' with you to have a *modicum* of respect for you and your son right now. Hell, *I'm* not in love with you and even *I* have more respect for you right now than he does.
> 
> I totally agree!
> 
> Diane, your money and credit problems will likely always be there in one form or another. You _know_ this.
> 
> But your son however, will not be.
> 
> Go be with him and worry about your money problems later.
> 
> I can almost guarantee you that a year or two from now, if you don't go be with your son in the next couple of months, you're going to be kicking yourself around the block regretting that you let your fear of spiraling finances keep you from doing what's *really* important.
> 
> I'm unable to make the trip again right now, because of my own health issues. Please read a few posts back.
> 
> 
> Worry about the finances and your shady, sleazy husband *some other time*. Much like your financial problems,_ he _won't be changing for the better anytime soon either, so don't waste your time worrying about him. He's nasty, disrespectful, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, has absolutely no ethics at all, and wouldn't know what honesty IS if you shoved it up his ass with a pitchfork.
> 
> I agree.
> 
> He's NOT not deserving of your emotional energy right now. He's *NOT*.


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## dianaelaine59

Will those of you who know how, please share how to obtain proof he's cheating?


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## rv10flyer

dianaelaine59 said:


> Will those of you who know how, please share how to obtain proof he's cheating?


Read through these...He had better be worth it. My wife was and still is! Good luck.

8 Tips to Catch a Cheater | How to Prove He's Cheating | 8 Ways to Prove She's Cheating - Beliefnet

https://www.livestrong.com/article/209963-how-to-prove-a-spouse-is-cheating/

https://divorcedmoms.com/how-to-get-proof-he-is-cheating-without-breaking-the-law/

18 Ingenious Ways to Catch a Cheating Partner in the Act!


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## dianaelaine59

rv10flyer said:


> Read through these...He had better be worth it. My wife was and still is! Good luck.
> 
> 8 Tips to Catch a Cheater | How to Prove He's Cheating | 8 Ways to Prove She's Cheating - Beliefnet
> 
> https://www.livestrong.com/article/209963-how-to-prove-a-spouse-is-cheating/
> 
> https://divorcedmoms.com/how-to-get-proof-he-is-cheating-without-breaking-the-law/
> 
> 18 Ingenious Ways to Catch a Cheating Partner in the Act!


Most of these don't apply unfortunately, as he's retired, and she's right across the street. Meaning, there's nothing on his phone or phone records, and he'd just have to walk across the road.

The road is very small (narrow), so her house is very close.


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## dianaelaine59

Just wanted to add: my son thinks he may feel good enough to fly here at end of month. That's wonderful news for me, as it will be much easier to care for him here in the tiny house we prepared.

We have two tiny houses on our property, and the second one will be ready just before the end of the month.

I'm staying in one of them, and will continue to do so for now.


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## sokillme

God people suck. I'm sorry for your son and that your husband is an ass, cheating or not. 

Now this is not me looking down on you in any way but I want to ask didn't you guys do some swinging or something? I believe you have mentioned it right? That may be where his "It was beautiful" comment or really the whole attitude comes from. Not that it makes it any less wrong. I know the general rule is you have to get approval first even in the swinging world right? But he may not really see having sex with someone else inside his marriage as something shameful. Again not saying this is right just saying this may be where he gets the attitude from.

Forgive me if I am wrong about that, but I seem to remember you mentioning it once or twice.

By the way this is not an invitation to kick OP. If you feel like doing that please give her a break. 

As it stands now you don't have a lot to go on. You have him looking over, some missing glasses, and the dumb thing he said. Plus some very sketchy history. 

I would try at least for now concentrate on your son but keep your eyes open. 

I am sorry you have to go through all this all at once.


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## FieryHairedLady

So glad to hear your son will be coming home. That's great news!


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## Decorum

dianaelaine59,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

The only thing I can think of is to put a voice activated recorder in a couple places in your house, maybe his car. (There is a secure way to do thar btw)

If you can fake going to stay with someone not to far away for a few days you may catch him talking to her, or maybe he will bring her over.

You can also return unexpectedly and find him missing and at her house or them at yours.

Thats all I can think of.
So sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Diane, we had some video cameras placed outside our home and my husband could watch the driveway or the yard or the back of the house, etc. etc. That's an option.

Secondly, and you can do this for under $40, you can get a USB phone charger/ 'spy cam.' It looks just like a plug-in phone charger with a USB port on it to plug your phone into BUT it also has a tiny little pinhole with a camera and the picture and sound are phenomenal! Since it's plugged into an outlet, no need to worry about batteries dying. You get a micro data card (16 gig or so) to put inside it and it will record for HOURS, non-stop. Plug it in somewhere where he spends a lot of 'alone' time and for $40 you'll likely find out what Prince Charming is up to.

They're tiny and don't look at all out of place. Do a search for USB Phone Charger Spy Cam. White looks less innocuous but the black seems to be more available.

We plugged one into one of our kitchen counter outlets and aimed it at the center island where people tend to gather - our realtor was having an open house and it was a great way to get feedback. The plug looks natural. Here is it is in black (we had a white one):


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## dianaelaine59

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Diane, we had some video cameras placed outside our home and my husband could watch the driveway or the yard or the back of the house, etc. etc. That's an option.
> 
> Secondly, and you can do this for under $40, you can get a USB phone charger/ 'spy cam.' It looks just like a plug-in phone charger with a USB port on it to plug your phone into BUT it also has a tiny little pinhole with a camera and the picture and sound are phenomenal!


I'm SO getting one of these! Thank you!


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## dianaelaine59

Decorum said:


> dianaelaine59,
> I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
> 
> The only thing I can think of is to put a voice activated recorder in a couple places in your house, maybe his car. (There is a secure way to do thar btw)
> 
> If you can fake going to stay with someone not to far away for a few days you may catch him talking to her, or maybe he will bring her over.
> 
> You can also return unexpectedly and find him missing and at her house or them at yours.
> 
> Thats all I can think of.
> So sorry.



I wish there were a way to record the front of OUR house.


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## dianaelaine59

sokillme said:


> God people suck. I'm sorry for your son and that your husband is an ass, cheating or not.
> 
> Now this is not me looking down on you in any way but I want to ask didn't you guys do some swinging or something? I believe you have mentioned it right? That may be where his "It was beautiful" comment or really the whole attitude comes from. Not that it makes it any less wrong. I know the general rule is you have to get approval first even in the swinging world right? But he may not really see having sex with someone else inside his marriage as something shameful. Again not saying this is right just saying this may be where he gets the attitude from.
> 
> Forgive me if I am wrong about that, but I seem to remember you mentioning it once or twice.
> 
> By the way this is not an invitation to kick OP. If you feel like doing that please give her a break.
> 
> As it stands now you don't have a lot to go on. You have him looking over, some missing glasses, and the dumb thing he said. Plus some very sketchy history.
> 
> I would try at least for now concentrate on your son but keep your eyes open.
> 
> I am sorry you have to go through all this all at once.



No .... never into swinging!

We separated awhile back, and I dated a few submissive men in the lifestyle, but there was nothing sexual at all. 

He never dated while we were separated, or so he says.


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## sokillme

dianaelaine59 said:


> No .... never into swinging!
> 
> We separated awhile back, and I dated a few submissive men in the lifestyle, but there was nothing sexual at all.
> 
> He never dated while we were separated, or so he says.


When and why did you separate? Whose choice was it to do so?


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## DustyDog

dianaelaine59 said:


> He's saying he responded that way because he was tired of being accused of something he didn't do.
> 
> Your thoughts?


Being falsely accused creates the most nasty of emotions in people. I have seen MANY people, aged 6 to 90, respond like this when falsely accused, and particularly when the accusations do not stop after the first time.

NEVER ask a yes/no question if you plan to ask it again and again if you don't believe the first answer. You're headed to Satan's playground otherwise.


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## BigDigg

OP - what evidence do you really have to support any notion that he's cheating on you? He might be an *** and all sorts of negative bad husband things, but it's a stretch here to jump immediately to any conclusion there without something solid. Did I miss something? Keep in mind that many of the good people in TAM have had bad experiences here or just read about them all the time and that shades their perspective. Everything looks like cheating, though to be fair that does happen a lot on a marriage message board with plenty of distressed marriages here. I wonder how common though in real life or how much we imagine.

I love my wife dearly but she's very (needlessly) insecure for some reason about me and is always asking me and bringing this up. Not daily but at least weekly. I've been a *completely* faithful husband always without any wandering eyes and I'm always giving her affirmation and love. I work from home so we're around each other nearly 24/7. It honestly makes me sad and it's the one and only thing I would change about her. If she could just see from my perspective how annoying, clingy and unattractive it is to be harassed...it's counterproductive to whatever it is she wants or needs in her mind. 

Not saying you are doing this and certainly trust your instinct, but make sure you are seeing things right before jumping to any conclusions...


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## rv10flyer

dianaelaine59 said:


> I wish there were a way to record the front of OUR house.


You can purchase a day/night trail cam, SD card and 8 AA batteries on Amazon for about $175. They can be hidden very well under a table, etc. Upon detecting movement, such as a door opening, you can have 3 min of video or still shots. Do not place where blowing leaves or limbs can be picked up. Prune out a clearing if needed. Use plastic tie wraps or provided strap to attach. Cheap security. I have 7.


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## dianaelaine59

sokillme said:


> When and why did you separate? Whose choice was it to do so?


Mutual decision ... 3 years ago, for 1 year. I was in Washington state, to be close to both sons. Husband was here alone.


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## PigglyWiggly

I probably would answer the same way if accused more than once. If I have to do some of the time, I am going to imagine enjoying the crime.


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## dianaelaine59

So .... he's admitted it.


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## sunsetmist

Sorry. Do you have support? Tell us more.


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## *Deidre*

dianaelaine59 said:


> So .... he's admitted it.


Wow, I can imagine how this must hurt. What do you think you may do, now? Sorry that this is going on in your life.


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## dianaelaine59

I have zero support. I have NO idea what I'm going to do.

I can't afford a lawyer .... yet after 21 years of marriage, I want to make sure I get what I deserve.


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## PigglyWiggly

dianaelaine59 said:


> I have zero support. I have NO idea what I'm going to do.
> 
> I can't afford a lawyer .... yet after 21 years of marriage, I want to make sure I get what I deserve.


I am very sorry to hear that you are in pain.


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## OnTheFly

How exactly did he admit it?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

dianaelaine59 said:


> I have zero support. I have NO idea what I'm going to do.
> 
> I can't afford a lawyer .... yet after 21 years of marriage, I want to make sure I get what I deserve.


I've not been through this before so I'm just conjecturing here, but couldn't you pay a lawyer out of whatever joint assets you get out of the divorce? The additional assets you get as a result of having good counsel could be more than enough to cover the lawyers expenses. 

paging @Taxman


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## Diana7

dianaelaine59 said:


> BUT, what of the "If I did, then it was ****ing beautiful"!
> 
> Why would you EVER say that to someone you love and ummmm, respect?
> 
> Those words were especially hurtful.


That's was a terrible and cruel thing to say.


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## aine

dianaelaine59 said:


> Most of these don't apply unfortunately, as he's retired, and she's right across the street. Meaning, there's nothing on his phone or phone records, and he'd just have to walk across the road.
> 
> The road is very small (narrow), so her house is very close.


Sorry you are here but it is time to pull yourself together, get a lawyer free consultation and sell up everything and move to be near your son. Your cheating WH does not deserve you. Can your older son help you out?


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## aine

dianaelaine59 said:


> So .... he's admitted it.


So sorry Diane. What will you do. Ask him to leave? Is the OW married?


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## FieryHairedLady

I am sorry OP.


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## rv10flyer

Hang in there. He will find out the grass isn’t always greener and the OW has herself a real winner of a man with no integrity. Take care of yourself, eat good, exercise, look forward to the bright future you will have without him.


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## She'sStillGotIt

dianaelaine59 said:


> So .... he's admitted it.


You already knew it (hell, even *I* knew it long before he admitted it).



Look around for lawyers who offer free half hour or one hour consultations. At least you can get an idea of what your options would be for dumping 175 pounds of useless flesh.


I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :frown2:


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## Blondilocks

"...and it was beautiful". Major guffaw.


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## dianaelaine59

Lots going on with my son... will post as soon as I'm able. 

Thank you all for the support.


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## turnera

dianaelaine59 said:


> I have zero support. I have NO idea what I'm going to do.
> 
> I can't afford a lawyer .... yet after 21 years of marriage, I want to make sure I get what I deserve.


Look up the closest United Way office to you and give them a call. They should be able to point you to some lawyers who will work either pro bono or on a sliding fee scale. Or at least give you a one-hour consultation on how to file yourself to protect the money.


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## FieryHairedLady

Good luck with your son honey. Hugs


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## sunsetmist

Thinking of you....


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## 3Xnocharm

I wish I had checked back on this thread sooner so I could have offered support, @dianaelaine59. I hope you've been able to see your son and are able to give an update soon. I am so sorry for what has gone down.


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