# Breaking the compartmentalization.



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I made my serial cheater wife to watch a short video clip of a couple having sex in missionary position (please bear with me). 

It was shot in a very close up fashion, genitals were covering the most part of the of the screen, faces were not shown as most of the rest of the bodies. An amateur couple were enjoying a sensual, down to earth, regular missionary sex. 

She was telling me that her affairs with about ten OM were not about sex (not surprisingly), including ONSs, sex with people whom she was not attracted, etc. 

Sex was not important to her. But curiously, her affairs were mostly not about love either. She was and still is in the full rugsweeping mode. 

I warned here before starting the clip. I told her that this is what I see in my head 24/7. Women in this clip is you and the man on top is one of the OMs. I told her that "this is what you are telling me that you didn't care and even didn't enjoy and was not important at all to you. This is what you want me to ignore, forget and forgive". Then you can watch this with your husband without much trouble.......right ?

She could only watch it for about few seconds and she was like electrocuted, about to womit and we stopped. 

My wife, my wifes psychiatrist thought that it was inappropriate and abusive.

I did this about five months ago, during at a time that she was forced by me to reveal her affairs, supposedly trying to reconcile with me but actually still lying and wanting me to just get over everything without her making any heavy lifting.

Since then I am thinking about its effects to the process we are going through. At the time I, myself felt like kind of a jerk but at the mean time I was feeling like it was not something that I made to hurt her. I was onto something. 

I just wanted to stop her to lie about the nature of what she did again and again. She was trying to make me believe that, those encounters were only as serious as having a smoke in front of the bar with a friend. 

She was and still is telling me that I am putting to much importance into sex part of her affairs. She chose, persued about close to 80 (eighty) sexual encounters with other men while I am waiting home and now I am the one who is putting too much emphasis on sex, ? I don't get it.

That short clip has crashed her compartmentalization. It was absolutely necessary. 

Think about this, If we were in there, when and where our wayward suposes and his/her affair partner, romancing each other or having sex, could they be so comfortable could they do it, enjoy it ? But reality is, even we were not in that room physicaly, we were still in there, no matter what cheating supose believed at the time, We were alive and existed in their lives. 

Now... I am here with you watching this together. This is as close as it gets to I was there too while you are having your affair then. And you are feeling awfull now, having me in the picture?...... Good... that's what you had to feel while doing it. You didn't while doing it but you must now. It is not a pretty picture, a fun, good memory or a masturbation material for you anymore, I was there.......... 

This is also the reason for why I want to know everything, So that she realises that I was a party, an unwilling and important party, in everything she did.

Does it make sense ?


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Ya, I don't see how my WS could have a ONS and separate it from me after eight years of marriage. Even my counselor says he was not thinking about you, it had nothing to do with you. I'm not so sure I believe that crap. I'm told the last nine years by him and my counselor that he compartmentalized it, it didn't change the other times he was with me. That's a bunch of crap. I know it.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Ya, I don't see how my WS could have a ONS and separate it from me after eight years of marriage. Even my counselor says he was not thinking about you, it had nothing to do with you. I'm not so sure I believe that crap. I'm told the last nine years by him and my counselor that he compartmentalized it, it didn't change the other times he was with me. That's a bunch of crap. I know it.


I agree. 

I think an affair is about resentments in the marriage. Most long marriages will have some type of issue that causes resentment.

An immature person however has an affair to hurt the spouse 

A mature partner seeks counseling or tries to work through things some way. 

My STBEH told me he had the affair to hurt me. But now vehemently denies saying that. 

It's not about compartmentalization, IMO, it's more about denial. They did not forget about us during the affair, they were trying to hurt us. 

They are just in denial about that motivation.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> She was and still is telling me that I am putting to much importance into sex part of her affairs. She chose, persued about close to 80 (eighty) sexual encounters with other men while I am waiting home and now I am the one who is putting too much emphasis on sex, ? I don't get it.


Quite apt. Don't let her BS you, if this wasn't about sex there would've been no sex.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> I warned here before starting the clip. I told her that this is what I see in my head 24/7. Women in this clip is you and the man on top is one of the OMs. I told her that "this is what you are telling me that you didn't care and even didn't enjoy and was not important at all to you. This is what you want me to ignore, forget and forgive". Then you can watch this with your husband without much trouble.......right ?
> 
> She could only watch it for about few seconds and she was like electrocuted, about to womit and we stopped.
> 
> *[large]My wife, my wifes psychiatrist thought that it was inappropriate and abusive.*


What?????????

Did her psychiatrist tell her the affair was emotionally abusive and inappropriate?

Are you sure actually said that. Cheaters will often distort what the shrink said in order to make it seems as if they support the cheater. 

He may have said something similar but the intent may have been different.

I actually think it was very appropriate because it brings home exactly what the BS is going through with the mind movies.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Ya, I don't see how my WS could have a ONS and separate it from me after eight years of marriage. Even my counselor says he was not thinking about you, *it had nothing to do with you. *I'm not so sure I believe that crap. I'm told the last nine years by him and my counselor that he compartmentalized it, it didn't change the other times he was with me. That's a bunch of crap. I know it.


I'm not so sure. I'm starting to feel that relationships cannot occur in a vacuum. We only notice it when a particular relationship affects other parts of life when the affect is noticeably bad or good.

But let's not forget that every relationship has the potential to affect other parts of your life. Which is why "innocent" friendships turn into serious blows to a relationship.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She will tell whatever she feels fit better to "manage" you. HTe proble you have is not actually the horrible past but the fact your wife is fundamentaly flawed, bad wired. She can assign to her actions any kind of emotional importance as you does. It will be this way forever.
I don't think "breaking" her emotionaly so she can see the light is possible for her.

If I recall well she stopped cheating on you more than a decade ago, right? I wonder why did she make that decision. It didn't come from within, as rejection of her actions right? Likely was becuase she saw you falling apart. She was about to kill you.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> What?????????
> 
> Did her psychiatrist tell her the affair was emotionally abusive and inappropriate?
> 
> ...


Yes, I think that her psychiatrist is full of hot air. It's been about twenty sessions already and he is still in listening to my wifes story mode. 

There is still no any idea about what her weaknesses, or any kind of personality disorder that my wife may have that caused her to end up like this or there is no any type of therapy plan in the horizon to address her problems.

About a month ago, after the session with her doc. my wife seemed relieved and relaxed. Wife said that the doctor views her affairs as "her opening a living and breathing space in her unfulfilled life"......... Yes sir......She liked that comment so much. She was the victim and needed to breath by blowing other man.

Yes the doctor may have meant a totally different thing but he should have known better.

She goes to him mostly because he is paid by our insurance and his office is next door to my wifes work place so it is very convinient. Other than that, My wife also thinks that he is not the best choice. He has no experience with infidelity.

EDIT : I need to add that doctor put my wife on prozac. It was worst thing to prescribe to a patient with empathy problems. She became so cold and distant, she started telling me that she was not going to deal and meet my emotional needs (I just wanted to stop hurting and start loving each other). It was around that time she started to kick me out of the home, multipe times. After she stopped taking prozac because my requets, she became the old better!... herself again .


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

snap said:


> Quite apt. Don't let her BS you, if this wasn't about sex there would've been no sex.


Totally agree...

I've been here at TAM long enough to see the bull**** in this. Its hilarious actually.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She will tell whatever she feels fit better to "manage" you. HTe proble you have is not actually the horrible past but the fact your wife is fundamentaly flawed, bad wired. She can assign to her actions any kind of emotional importance as you does. It will be this way forever.
> I don't think "breaking" her emotionaly so she can see the light is possible for her.
> 
> If I recall well she stopped cheating on you more than a decade ago, right? I wonder why did she make that decision. It didn't come from within, as rejection of her actions right? Likely was becuase she saw you falling apart. She was about to kill you.


Yes she saw what she did to me.... well on a second thought she didn't and has not comprehended yet what she really did to me but she saw that she was destroying me at least.

I think that she is a narcissist above all. But like in everything about human personality, she is not a cookie cutter case. She still seems like she really cares about doing good to me. I need to see what can she do. We have a toddler and a baby. I need to try for them at least.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the viewing of the video was brilliant and something other BS should do with their WS.

The suggestion that it was abusive is deeply troubling as it reveals a total and complete lack of empathy for the BS and a total lack of even the desire to understand the BS pain and suffering.

Your wife has no remorse. She has no empathy or desire to have empathy.

And you are still around why?


----------



## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

I think our wives might be separated at birth.. 
My wife says that the sex was nothing special.. she says she didnt want to do the things she did even when she was doing them but she would keep going. 
The part that really just pisses me off is how much effort she put forth to get her little partners all turned on. The fact she would sneak out and go meet them, lie then come home and act like nothing was wrong. The sheer amount of time spent humping other men. 

I ask for details and get I went to his house, he put on a condom and we had sex. What she fails to mention that I get from her after hours of arguing is that She arranged the meeting, lied to me to make it possible.. drove 45 minutes to his house
made out on his couch rubbing kissing whatever for 15-20 minutes went into his bedroom and unzipped his pants blew him for a few minutes then put on the condom stripped for him then had porno style sex in 10 different positions for she doesnt know how long.. including blowing him during etc etc.. 

I am so sick of her "trying to show me" when each person she met and had sex with outside our marriage required ten times the planning, effort and desire that she ever showed for me.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She did 80 men, seems to me she should have to watch the video on 80 different occasions.


----------



## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

My favorite is when she tells me she has to get used to doing something with me.. that she just did immediately with them! The ability to strip down in a car and chow down the man sauce requires time and patience on my part.. for them it was something that she was on call for 24/7


----------



## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She did 80 men, seems to me she should have to watch the video on 80 different occasions.


I am afraid that would just turn my wife on


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She did 80 men, seems to me she should have to watch the video on 80 different occasions.


No she did close to 10 men. The number of actual act is about 80 in my estimation. Just for the correction.

Well, she has to watch it thousands times. That's the number of mind movies i had and number is growing fast.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife has no remorse. She has no empathy or desire to have empathy.
> 
> And you are still around why?


Kids............


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> I think our wives might be separated at birth..
> .


I followed your story and I thought the same thing.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> My favorite is when she tells me she has to get used to doing something with me.. that she just did immediately with them! The ability to strip down in a car and chow down the man sauce requires time and patience on my part.. for them it was something that she was on call for 24/7


A version of this, which gets to me is what she did for herself while she was with them that she didn't do while with me. For years I thought she had never have an orgasm in her life. She was getting uncomfortable while I am trying to give it to her. In reality , she knew very well how to use her two fingers well before we met.


----------



## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> A version of this, which gets to me is what she did for herself while she was with them that she didn't do while with me. For years I thought she had never have an orgasm in her life. She was getting uncomfortable while I am trying to give it to her. In reality , she knew very well how to use her two fingers well before we met.


oh my wife still claims she never had an orgasm with any of them.. I can give her one relatively easily with oral or her on top or even me on top, but apparently they were incapable. I find this very degrading.. like she thinks I am stupid enough to believe that she would keep going back meeting them just to blow them etc.. if they werent giving her good sex

Just to prove my point, she gave me just oral last satuday, then sunday we had sex but she didnt orgasm for some reason. Then on monday she told me this better not be the third time in a row she didnt get hers!! In my mind all I could think was well apparently that wasnt important to you.. you kept seeing random losers who werent getting you off but its required from me?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> oh my wife still claims she never had an orgasm with any of them.. I can give her one relatively easily with oral or her on top or even me on top, but apparently they were incapable. I find this very degrading.. like she thinks I am stupid enough to believe that she would keep going back meeting them just to blow them etc.. if they werent giving her good sex
> 
> Just to prove my point, she gave me just oral last satuday, then sunday we had sex but she didnt orgasm for some reason. Then on monday she told me this better not be the third time in a row she didnt get hers!! In my mind all I could think was well apparently that wasnt important to you.. you kept seeing random losers who werent getting you off but its required from me?



If she is keeping score instead of enjoying the moment, pack her bags, put them outside the door and send her packing to the Other men. 

Just the experience and the closeness should be enough even if on occassion she might not climax, if she is in love. 

Geesh. She's keeping score?


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I didn’t think to use a video, but had to break her all the same. What I did was walk her through one night without the omissions or ‘fairytale’ spins. I started with the contact and scheduling their date... Then with her having to think of an excuse to tell me, then to how she ‘got ready’, the clothes, etc. and just kept going all the way until she got home, got defensive and lied to my face before going to bed. I also added in what I was doing at the same time, the ‘where r u’ text, the ignored calls because she was late, putting the kids down, cooking & cleaning, and the anxiety because I was suspicious and waiting for her to come home and tell me it was going to be ok. 

“I didn’t think about you” and “it wasn’t about the sex” is the biggest load of bull ever. Throughout the entire story, she was thinking about me, us, and how to keep it secret and about the next time. And the sex? She wasn’t going over there for the conversation; She knew what he wanted and she wanted as well... Their time together was limited, so it was spent having sex. That WAS the point.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

forlorn99 said:


> I am afraid that would just turn my wife on


You almost made me spit out my iced coffee! I so need that laugh!

....

There is a snowball's chance in hell my husband didn't think about me. He had to think about the lies he had to tell me to see her, the maneuvering he had to do to see her but he never considered how I would feel about his infidelity? Personally, if I EVER hear "I didn't think about you" again I may just die.

My husband, and the OW, both maintain that they never had actual intercourse (yeah, I know I have a higher chance of growing a penis than that being true). Due to this "no sex", whether or not the sex meant something or not has not/cannot be addressed for me. I do agree with the concept that if the sex didn't mean anything, the cheaters wouldn't have had sex. Do they think we are stupid?

SweetandSour, I think the movie was a fab idea. I see why your wife may think it was unkind, but her psychiatrist? That concerns me. Her affair was a result of her unfulfilled life? Now that one just pisses me off!

I am in the middle of a huge backslide right now and am trying to find my more positive self but I have just about had it with the level of selfishness a cheater possesses. Add to that my husband's lack of empathy and understanding lately and I may just stick the R right up his keister.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Racer said:


> I didn’t think to use a video, but had to break her all the same. What I did was walk her through one night without the omissions or ‘fairytale’ spins. I started with the contact and scheduling their date...


I liked that. I would have tried that too. Unfortunately only one of her many affairs took place in the city where we live in now. I asked her to show me that OM's house in this city to follow some of her tracks. She couldn't find the address. I believed her, she has no sense of direction (pun intended).


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Falene said:


> SweetandSour, I think the movie was a fab idea. I see why your wife may think it was unkind, but her psychiatrist? That concerns me. Her affair was a result of her unfulfilled life? Now that one just pisses me off!
> 
> I am in the middle of a huge backslide right now and am trying to find my more positive self but I have just about had it with the level of selfishness a cheater possesses. Add to that my husband's lack of empathy and understanding lately and I may just stick the R right up his keister.


I am well beyond that point. I am sticking for my kids they are too young.

I feel the same for her shrink.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> My wife, my wifes psychiatrist thought that it was inappropriate and abusive.


That's just ridiculous imo


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Of course psychiatrist is full of it.
By the way how is possible this man doesn't get how completely warped is your wife thinking process, her lack of empathy... Did you ever met him?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

80 affairs ? More revelations from your last thread ? WTF ?? I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.

Edit: Never mind. Read the other post.



> My wife, my wifes psychiatrist thought that it was inappropriate and abusive.



That was what you were living with 24 hrs a day since this started, isn't it ? And this was abusive ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Looks like the psychiatrist is doing more damage than good. You might want to change


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> I am well beyond that point. I am sticking for my kids they are too young.
> 
> I feel the same for her shrink.


If they're really young, get out now!
I'll explain...
My WS cheated on me nine years ago. I didn't find out until one year ago.
Had I known when he did it I could have divorced, been young enough to most likely move on with someone else AND the kids would have been young enough to not know any better, it would be their normal. I mean, they weren't even in Kindergarten yet. 
BUT... Now I'm nine years older, about to hit menopause and the kids are in middle and high school. They are much more impacted by the possibility of a divorce older than they would have been younger. They know what is going on and they are stressed. I divorce now I'm gonna have to pull them out of their schools and move to stay with my folks. Financially that is the reality. 

Leave while they're young. JMHO.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Falene said:


> You almost made me spit out my iced coffee! I so need that laugh!
> 
> ....
> 
> ...



Your post made me laugh. Thank you. 

Yes. I stuck the R right up my husband's keister because of his lack of empathy and understanding. He just wants to rug sweep.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> I liked that. I would have tried that too. Unfortunately only one of her many affairs took place in the city where we live in now. I asked her to show me that OM's house in this city to follow some of her tracks. She couldn't find the address. I believed her, she has no sense of direction (pun intended).


Sweet and Sour:

My STBEH originally told me he did not know where the OW lived. 

I later found out that was bull. He knew her present address, all of her past addresses, her birthday, her kid's birthdays and on and on.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> If they're really young, get out now!
> I'll explain...
> My WS cheated on me nine years ago. I didn't find out until one year ago.
> Had I known when he did it I could have divorced, been young enough to most likely move on with someone else AND the kids would have been young enough to not know any better, it would be their normal. I mean, they weren't even in Kindergarten yet.
> ...


Also, as I have mentioned in prior posts, in some U.S. states, if a BS stays in the marriage past a certain time frame it is used to show they condoned the affair, and then they can no longer file for a fault divorce, if possible in that state.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Also, as I have mentioned in prior posts, in some U.S. states, if a BS stays in the marriage past a certain time frame it is used to show they condoned the affair, and then they can no longer file for a fault divorce, if possible in that state.


But, if you didn't know???

I've looked a little. He has only confessed to a BJ, in my state it has to be intercourse. He probably knows this or has been given advice on this from his cheating friends. Also, because I've had sex with him since finding out in the state's eye that means I condoned his cheating. Who condones it?!?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> But, if you didn't know???
> 
> I've looked a little. He has only confessed to a BJ, in my state it has to be intercourse. He probably knows this or has been given advice on this from his cheating friends. Also, because I've had sex with him since finding out in the state's eye that means I condoned his cheating. Who condones it?!?


I agree the condoning thing is a joke. 

Forgiving and condoning should be two separate issue. 

We need stronger divorce laws. 

Also, I think a theft of marital assests charged filed against a cheater who spends money on the OW or OM might help.


----------



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Yes, sadly this does make sense. That must have been difficult for you. I understand. So he may never admit that they had sex, if they infact did not. But, they were intimate in other ways, so displaying a video or movie clip of kissing ect. should produce the same effect. Only if he admitted to having sex could I then show an intercourse clip. 

He also insists that it meant nothing.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Mind movies are hell. I found out most of the details (I'll never know for sure) about 10 years after the affairs. Of course, in our minds the sex is kinky, animalistic, doing all the things she won't do with you in all kinds of places. But really we are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things, so no big shock that OM came to our marital bed to pound the WW. Because that's where she would like the man in her life to be when giving it to her. He used our showers, our toilets, our garage to park his car, etc.

It took me about a year to get over it, but sometimes the thoughts return for a visit.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Iv'e seen it before. If he stays for the kids, he's made a mistake. Kids are enormously resilient. He's heard it before, but, cheaters are liars. He doesn't need to ask any further questions. First and foremost, he needs to get rid of her, like yesterday!


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sorry guys but this thread soured out 6 years ago...zombie


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately the only one rug sweeping is you. You state your wife has had over 10 affairs or one nights stands yet you stay with her and plead to make her understand how you feel.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zombie thread but OP posted earlier today referencing this thread.

Thankfully it would seem that the wife that he mentioned in his initial post here is now his ex-wife.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@SweetAndSour, why on God's earth are you trying to R with this woman? She isn't remorseful from what you've said, and she is a serial cheater -- she has shown you what she is -- believe her.

EDT: Sorry -- didn't see it was a zombie. Glad she is the EXW.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Seeing that I've also been "zombied" I feel that she was too far gone and grossly unrepentant for her sordid actions!

I'm of the opinion that you'd be far better off incorporating "The 180" instead of trying to coerce confessions that she will never ever begin to admit to!

Her deception runs deep! Hopefully, she's an ex-wife by now!

*


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Closing Zombie thread.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I am the OP and I started this thread long time ago but I am still around unfortunately.

I read that "hurts-so-bad" is suffering mind movies and he is still with his wife, wife is in the recovering mood if I understand it correctly.

I haven't read his whole thread but it looks like, he haven't ruled out recovery option yet too. If it is so they better be in the same page in the process as much as possible. 

That is why I referred him to this thread. And this old thread came back again. If being old qualifies a thread a zombie than it is a zombie. But for a person having the mind movie torture yesterday, it may still provide some perspective.

Are we going to reinvent Talk About Marriage from scratch every six months again and again ?


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Mind movies are hell. I found out most of the details (I'll never know for sure) about 10 years after the affairs. Of course, in our minds the sex is kinky, animalistic, doing all the things she won't do with you in all kinds of places. But really we are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things, so no big shock that OM came to our marital bed to pound the WW. Because that's where she would like the man in her life to be when giving it to her. He used our showers, our toilets, our garage to park his car, etc.
> 
> It took me about a year to get over it, but sometimes the thoughts return for a visit.


I hope you succeed in your recovery.

Her last encounter with an OM was in 1998. We recovered perfectly in year 2000. She was all fine and dandy with me and I had never have a return thought visit from her cheating for about the following ten years. Then all came back as it was yesterday after she showed her real face.

Now I am a firm believer that when once monogamy is broken, there is no retuning back with the same person who doesn't value monogamy in the first place. I am divorced for five years now.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

SweetAndSour said:


> I am the OP and I started this thread long time ago but I am still around unfortunately.
> 
> If being old qualifies a thread a zombie than it is a zombie. But for a person having the mind movie torture yesterday, it may still provide some perspective.
> 
> Are we going to reinvent Talk About Marriage from scratch every six months again and again ?


 Spot on. A "zombie" thread really needs to be evaluated for it's overall usefulness before a mod just locks it because it is old. Now asking questions of a long gone poster is a waste of space and they should be locked, but reviewing the tried and true ways of an experienced member is very useful.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

SweetAndSour said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Mind movies are hell. I found out most of the details (I'll never know for sure) about 10 years after the affairs. Of course, in our minds the sex is kinky, animalistic, doing all the things she won't do with you in all kinds of places. But really we are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things, so no big shock that OM came to our marital bed to pound the WW. Because that's where she would like the man in her life to be when giving it to her. He used our showers, our toilets, our garage to park his car, etc.
> ...


We are faring very well right now. Of course, I also know what she is capable of so D is never completely off the table. She had a small lapse of couple of years ago and my reaction scared her so much that I don't think she will go there again.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> We are faring very well right now. Of course, I also know what she is capable of so D is never completely off the table. She had a small lapse of couple of years ago and my reaction scared her so much that I don't think she will go there again.


She, my XW, also said my reaction about her affair in year 1998 made her to make her mind up. As if I was aware and approving her serial cheating before, I was not.

After recovery we settled back to our daily life, stayed together for 12 more years, had two children, she seemed different and I chose to forgot what she did to me.

Now I am learning that she was what she was all along.

It is really hard to change our partners and ourselves.

Note: I was talking in this thread about compartmentalization. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is ego's (cheaters ego) self protection mechanism, helps cheaters to carry their daily family life, being the loving mommy/daddy and loyal wife/husband while focking almost strangers at the same time frame. 

Compartmentalization is sick. It is living in different realities simultaneously in different reality compartments. Compartments need to be broken in to one reality.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> Mind movies are hell. I found out most of the details (I'll never know for sure) about 10 years after the affairs. Of course, in our minds the sex is kinky, animalistic, doing all the things she won't do with you in all kinds of places. But really we are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things, so no big shock that OM came to our marital bed to pound the WW. Because that's where she would like the man in her life to be when giving it to her. He used our showers, our toilets, our garage to park his car, etc.
> 
> It took me about a year to get over it, but sometimes the thoughts return for a visit.


So since he essentially was YOU when he came over....Did you have to re-do the house? Did you get rid of the bed and other items? I could not sit in a chair that I thought the OM was using. Just tarnishes the whole feel of it. It reminded me of that meme of the BH leaving the "note" for the OM to replace his beer and stuff....Macabre, and yet ironically funny.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So since he essentially was YOU when he came over....Did you have to re-do the house? Did you get rid of the bed and other items? I could not sit in a chair that I thought the OM was using. Just tarnishes the whole feel of it. It reminded me of that meme of the BH leaving the "note" for the OM to replace his beer and stuff....Macabre, and yet ironically funny.


By the time I found out the truth, we had probably moved 4 times since then, and had already replaced mattresses. But I understand where you are coming from about not wanting to touch all the stuff he was using (including her ironically). Speaking of irony, a decade later when we did drive by the old house I looked at it longingly, remembering all the good times because I had no clue what else had occurred there. My W, on the other hand, told me after the big reveal that she did not care to see it anymore, because it represented something negative to her.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> I hope you succeed in your recovery.
> 
> Her last encounter with an OM was in 1998. We recovered perfectly in year 2000. She was all fine and dandy with me and I had never have a return thought visit from her cheating for about the following ten years. Then all came back as it was yesterday after she showed her real face.
> 
> Now I am a firm believer that when once monogamy is broken, there is no retuning back with the same person who doesn't value monogamy in the first place. I am divorced for five years now.


SweetAndSour,

If you dont mind, in what way did she show her real face. You had a relapse and she had no sympathy only justifications? 

Or in what way?

I dont think you mean another Affair/OM

Thanks

ETA: Actually I picked through your threads and figured it out, thanks anyway!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Decorum said:


> SweetAndSour,
> 
> If you dont mind, in what way did she show her real face. You had a relapse and she had no sympathy only justifications?
> 
> ...


Not being as smart as @Decorum, I didn't figure it out.

Did she cheat again?

I have always maintained that a Serial Cheater never really changes. They can put on a different mask for years, but in the end, the ability to cheat is still there.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Not being as smart as @Decorum, I didn't figure it out.
> 
> Did she cheat again?
> 
> I have always maintained that a Serial Cheater never really changes. They can put on a different mask for years, but in the end, the ability to cheat is still there.


 @TDSC60 , seriously, did you really think that with a little flattery I would be like the dorky kid who does the cool kids homework?

Yep you were right, ha ha ha!

I did a quick lookback (again), and in no particular order here are some quotes.

TL;DR...she contined to Trickle Trith him.

His thread "I am pissed of [_sic, off_] as never before".
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40734-i-am-pissed-never-before.html

Would be a good start.

SAS's summary of events up to the new round of Trickle Truth...


SweetAndSour said:


> I decided to come back and finish my story here instead being asked and giving the bits and pieces in different threads.
> 
> I'll make a one last long post from the beginning, fell free to jump over the lines and paragraphs.
> 
> ...


So was the aborted baby really SAS's you might ask?...



SweetAndSour said:


> warlock07 said:
> 
> 
> > Kinda rushed, I can understand.
> ...





SweetAndSour said:


> I had put a hold-on talking about our problems for a while until we are more able to do it because I was drinking heavily, I kicked her out to call her and the kids next day (kids shouldn't have had that), and my wife was having health problems, she had to hospitalized for a serious UT infection for a week.
> 
> Time has come. We sat to talk last weekend days after we put the kids to sleep.
> 
> ...





SweetAndSour said:


> I am writing this for the record.
> 
> Last night, being a saturday night, was a designated talking night.
> 
> ...



Btw, from what I can tell, after the divorce, she married money, lives the life of a social butterfly, and has tried to take SAS's children back to another country to live with her and her new husband.


----------



## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

"My wife, my wifes psychiatrist thought that it was inappropriate and abusive." 

Wrong. (IMHO). I would've done the exact same thing.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Decorum said:


> @TDSC60 , seriously, did you really think that with a little flattery I would be like the dorky kid who does the cool kids homework?
> 
> Yep you were right, ha ha ha!
> 
> ...


Damn! I guess the karma bus missed her.

S&S - sorry you had to learn the hard way.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> SweetAndSour,
> 
> If you dont mind, in what way did she show her real face. You had a relapse and *she had no sympathy only justifications*?
> 
> ...


You are right in both counts Decorum, It was not a new affair.

She had two affairs that I know of, long before our final breakdown. After those affairs you would think that you saw her worst side, I was wrong.

This time, I did what I had to do long time ago. I was more mature and I started handling the problem in a much appropriate way.

First, I made her to reveal her hidden past, her casual, serial cheating. I am sure she was surprised too when she had to face herself. All those were hidden in depth of her fragile conscience (in different compartments). 

She was really sorry, depressive and apologetic she started talking to me about her past, promising me to become a better wife and having psychological counseling.

She tried to put me in a fock coma, offering anal again. (I will open a new thread in "sex in marriage" topic for the nature of her anal offerings).

I had recently found TAM and I was having her to read some stories here. I was also throwing related psychological literature to her daily. I was grilling her really bad.

Now get this;

At some point in about 8 months, she almost suddenly changed 180 degree. She moved to another bed in another room. Her face permanently turned to stone cold. Her depression is cured. Suddenly she had no remorse, shame, empathy or decency whatsoever. She wanted divorce. 

This is what I refer to as seeing her real face after being together for 22 years. It was an unreal and scary experience, it was like living in the movie "body snatchers".

She was a covert narcissist and I was relived from my position as her narcissistic supplier after causing her a big narcissistic injury. After that understanding, everything made sense.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> @TDSC60 , seriously, did you really think that with a little flattery I would be like the dorky kid who does the cool kids homework?
> 
> Yep you were right, ha ha ha!
> 
> ...


Wow, that's a great summary and editing Decorum, I couldn't do it better myself.

For the last comments you made;

She did not remarry right after our divorce. We were divorced 5 years ago but she married again just a few months ago.

I don't think she was married for money and I think she will make more money than her new husband in her new job. I know her new husband. She had a short affair with him in 1998 which I wrote about before here in TAM. I called him john or bastard.

As being a social butterfly, she did it for about 2-3 years after our divorce. When we were together for 20+ years she didn't do any make up because I liked her natural looks, she stayed about 20-30 pounds overweight because I liked her extra curvy.

Right after our separation she lost those extra pounds, bought a new wardrobe, started spending time in hairdressers, totally changing her look. My socially awkward wife suddenly had friends, turned to a YAVIS. She had a new email adress with YAVIS appended to her name. I had to google for YAVIS. She looked happy and all fine and dandy from outside.

I was doing monthly bill payments when we were married. All her bank accounts were directed to my phone and email. She asked the banks to remove my contact information from her accounts but I was still receiving some leaked messages regarding her spending. One shoe seller gave her a free tablet computer for being a good customer.

I knew that she was eating out in pretty upscale restaurants, with company I think. SPA offerings falling in my inbox everyday. One interesting info that I received was from a very upscale hotel in our city. She had spent about triple the amount for a night of stay. I knew she had a 15 years younger boy toy at that time. They must have got the full SPA treatment then eat and drink in their room.

Funny thing is It didn't continue that way. She is about 50+ pounds overweight now which is to much even for my standards. Those messages from her banks were changed to late or absent payment warnings about 2 years ago and her chronic depression was back. Well it was back until her new marriage.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Damn! I guess the karma bus missed her.
> 
> S&S - sorry you had to learn the hard way.


Karma bus is doing its route fine. It just hit her new husband (my old OM) but he doesn't know yet.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> I don't think she was married for money and I think she will make more money than her new husband in her new job. I know her new husband. She had a short affair with him in 1998 which I wrote about before here in TAM. I called him john or bastard.


Are you serious, she went back to John!

She looked over her stringer of fish and picked one...wow.

He was a known and comfortable entity to her.

You mentioned how once you seperated she liked to go to all the cultural functions, so thats what I had in mind by butterfly. 


So when she turned to stone, was it to get away from the mirror you held up to her because she did not like what she saw?

Btw, imo some people are just not fixable.

For anyone like me who has to look it up. YAVIS =(sometimes "YAVIS Syndrome") is an acronym that stands for "Young, Attractive, Verbal, Intelligent, and Successful."


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> Karma bus is doing its route fine. It just hit her new husband (my old OM) but he doesn't know yet.


Thank you for your replies SweetAndSour, but you know it is really not nice to tease us like this and leave us hanging ha ha ha.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Thank you for your replies SweetAndSour, but you know it is really not nice to tease us like this and leave us hanging ha ha ha.


I thought it was obvious,

My wife's new husband is the looser who is hit by karma bus two months ago when he married my Xwife.

He chose to fock my wife when she was married to me 20 years ago, karma takes notice, karma made him to marry her.

Now he is the husband of that psycho.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Are you serious, she went back to John!
> 
> She looked over her stringer of fish and picked one...wow.
> 
> He was a known and comfortable entity to her.


That pretty much sums up the nature of her recent marriage. There is more than that to her benefit in her new marriage though, one is not money. I better continue with that in my main thread.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> Karma bus is doing its route fine. It just hit her new husband (my old OM) but he doesn't know yet.


My faith in Karma is restored.

I guess the bus just took the long route.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> My faith in Karma is restored.
> 
> I guess the bus just took the long route.


At some point, it is expected that my wife would be hit by the bus, but karma bus is not looking for her, she is miserable inside already.

She is the unlucky one, she was born to be like that, what a shame.

If she had a choice, she wouldn't be herself, she literally said that to me many times, out of blue. 

That kind of thinking made me excuse her faults and take care of her during all those years, that's how I let myself get tangled in her sick world.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> That pretty much sums up the nature of her recent marriage. There is more than that to her benefit in her new marriage though, one is not money. I better continue with that in my main thread.


Sorry to ask, would you mind posting a link to your main thread? Thaaaank youuu!


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Sorry to ask, would you mind posting a link to your main thread? Thaaaank youuu!


Here it is;

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40734-i-am-pissed-never-before.html

This is my first thread. I started as a guy who felt there may be some problems in his marriage. The rest is perfect TAM material.


----------

