# Husband wants too much



## Missingpeace (Nov 16, 2011)

I have been married for 12 years. I knew that my husband liked sex, and I do to, but I feel it has gotten out of hand the last few years. On an avereage week, we have sex 6 times. I force myself to do it because I know its important to him, even though I have very little desire. I feel guilty about not wanting it, and even worse about not initiating it. For 12 years now, he shows only sexual attention. No holding my hand or snuggling, just gropes, smacks (on rear), and occasionally cramming fingers in my privates ( like while watch tv together). 
Things haven't been great due to other issues, so a couple nights ago, I was tired and started to fall asleep. He flat our told me he wanted a bj. I groaned about it, not wanting to. Well he got mad, and said he is tired of asking for sex and he is now sleeping in the guest room. He says that way I dont have to deal with him. He refuses to talk about it. He thinks I am making up excuses about why I dont want it. I am overweight, overworked, and lacking in our relationship. He thinks I am either cheating or using toys (neither is the case). I just dont know what to do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Talk to him about the type of attention he`s giving/not giving you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Missingpeace said:


> I have been married for 12 years. I knew that my husband liked sex, and I do to, but I feel it has gotten out of hand the last few years. On an avereage week, we have sex 6 times. I force myself to do it because I know its important to him, even though I have very little desire. I feel guilty about not wanting it, and even worse about not initiating it. For 12 years now, he shows only sexual attention. No holding my hand or snuggling, just gropes, smacks (on rear), and occasionally cramming fingers in my privates ( like while watch tv together).
> Things haven't been great due to other issues, so a couple nights ago, I was tired and started to fall asleep. He flat our told me he wanted a bj. I groaned about it, not wanting to. Well he got mad, and said he is tired of asking for sex and he is now sleeping in the guest room. He says that way I dont have to deal with him. He refuses to talk about it. He thinks I am making up excuses about why I dont want it. I am overweight, overworked, and lacking in our relationship. He thinks I am either cheating or using toys (neither is the case). I just dont know what to do.


Can you tell him for the last 12 years you have allowed him to be selfish and now you are asking him to make a change because you are about to shut down the freebies? 

You have to teach him how to make love not have sex. I feel up until now, you have been serving him. You get little out of it and you are running on empty. You know you will not be able to keep this up for another 12 years right? Better tell him and get him to work with you to make love and not have sex to suit himself.

Pull out all of the stops to communicate your need. Read books, go to therapy to find out why you don't ask for what you need from him. It would be unfair cut him off without giving him a chance to change. If you have not been explicit and consistent then assume he does not know.

If you exhaust all efforts with no results, then you must stop servicing him. That may get his attention. If he is not willing to change to make you happy he may not love you as much as you need so be prepared. He may seek a divorce or you may.


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## CoolBreeze10 (Nov 23, 2010)

I was a little bit like your husband toward my wife. I started giving less attention to the things she liked, such as holding hands, random hugs and kisses, or just snuggling on the couch while watching tv. I did it all the time in the beginning, but after a few years, just forgot or got lazy about it. When I wanted sex, she wasn't in the mood and I didn't know why. We ended up having a long discussion about it and I realized she needed those things and it made her miserable not having them. I began getting back to my old self, the guy who holds her hand, snuggles on the couch and hugs her. My wife began wanting more sex and was happier. Like others have said, you should have a really good talk about it with him. He may not realize how dull and romantic he has become. You giving him the sex he wants is great, but you also deserve the affection you are looking for from him.


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## Missingpeace (Nov 16, 2011)

I've tried to have productive conversations, but it never works. He shuts down easily, gets angry at me since I dont think/feel like him, and then he turns it around on me. I doubt I can put up with another 12 years like this, since I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I guess im just lost, and wondered if I really am wrong about this. There are other issues (but ill post those in another thread).


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Missingpeace said:


> I've tried to have productive conversations, but it never works. He shuts down easily, gets angry at me since I dont think/feel like him, and then he turns it around on me. I doubt I can put up with another 12 years like this, since I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I guess im just lost, and wondered if I really am wrong about this. There are other issues (but ill post those in another thread).


It is time for you to make a better more functional and happy person of yourself. What you have doing is not working, in fact giving too much attracts selfish men or men who have an underdeveloped capacity to look past their own nose.

Do you feel that if you don't give you will not get love back? But look, you are giving, so much so that you have emptied yourself out. What do you have in return? P

aradoxically, when you overly generous, you don't leave space for the other person to give and you may attract selfish people. If you change you frame of reference and give only as much as you get and to whom you get, period. 

I would put a temporary moratorium on sex to get his attention. At the same time begin with your husband asking for what you need. 

He will most likely shut down as usual but set boundaries - you will not be intimate and provide for his needs if he cannot communicate and provide for you. Say it quietly and nicely. Also you really need MC, if he wont go then you go. 

Tell him exactly what you are doing. Tell him that you would be glad to have sex with him but you have nothing left to give. Sometimes men will not listen until you take drastic measures. 

He does not know it but he is extremely lucky. If he only knew that if he loses you he will not find another woman like you. You need to think more of yourself. Read some of the post by men whose wives will not have sex with them. They would kill for a woman like you. 

This is some reading for you to reassure yourself that you are correct in your evaluation of your very lopsided relationship. It is on the Marriage Builders web site and there are very good articles that may help you. 

Articles

The Giver & Taker

Love Busters


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Missingpeace said:


> I have been married for 12 years. I knew that my husband liked sex, and I do to, but I feel it has gotten out of hand the last few years. On an avereage week, we have sex 6 times. I force myself to do it because I know its important to him, even though I have very little desire. I feel guilty about not wanting it, and even worse about not initiating it. For 12 years now, he shows only sexual attention. No holding my hand or snuggling, just gropes, smacks (on rear), and occasionally cramming fingers in my privates ( like while watch tv together).
> Things haven't been great due to other issues, so a couple nights ago, I was tired and started to fall asleep. He flat our told me he wanted a bj. I groaned about it, not wanting to. Well he got mad, and said he is tired of asking for sex and he is now sleeping in the guest room. He says that way I dont have to deal with him. He refuses to talk about it. He thinks I am making up excuses about why I dont want it. I am overweight, overworked, and lacking in our relationship. He thinks I am either cheating or using toys (neither is the case). I just dont know what to do.


First of all, he needs to GROW UP!!!  He sounds very immature on many different levels. 

Second of all, enjoy the bed to yourself! :smthumbup:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

tariq456 said:


> You must learn how to satisfy your husband . Talk to him and try to get some result .


You are joking right? All she has done is satisfy him and his needs.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Missingpeace said:


> I've tried to have productive conversations, but it never works. He shuts down easily, gets angry at me since I dont think/feel like him, and then he turns it around on me. I doubt I can put up with another 12 years like this, since I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I guess im just lost, and wondered if I really am wrong about this. There are other issues (but ill post those in another thread).


Hi Missingpeace ~

You are not wrong. I feel that your husband is treating you horribly. Gropes, smacks, and cramming fingers in your privates when you don't want it? I would consider that abusive behaviour from your husband.

Marriage is about two people trying their best to meet their partner's needs. But, from your posts I am not seeing where your husband has been attentive to trying to meet your needs. In such a lop-sided environment it will become harder and harder for you to keep up trying to meet his - and your self-esteem and self-respect will erode away.

Do you have access to any counseling services? Because I would like for you to consider individual counseling for yourself - so that you can work on why you would be such a giving person that you are willing to give and give until you are spent. That is not healthy for you. Counseling could also help you determine whether it is worth staying in a marriage like this.

And, your husband needs help too. Because he also has an unhealthy selfish, immature dynamic. Whether he would be open to any kind of counseling, who knows - but that should not stop you from seeking help for yourself.

Here's a phrase I want you to start repeating to yourself over and over and over: "I AM a valued person who is worthy of love and respect." And then, start to act like that. Disprect directed toward you - don't give in to it. If your husband is abusive to the point where you are afraid to stand up to him, then please consider your options in leaving. Otherwise, start to stand your ground and demand that you be treated respectfully. You CAN empower yourself.

I am wishing you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are going your way.

God Bless.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tariq456 said:


> My friend I am not kidding . If in one time he get orgasm then what will remain ? So I tell her for some tips to satisfy him .


Are you for real?? Wait - I know. You're actually a 13 year old guy in real life who gets his jollies out of posting complete rubbish on the internet.

Missingpeace, I agree with the others who have said his behaviour borders on abuse. The other problems you are having are all part and parcel with this one. I hope you can get to see a counselor who can clarify things for you. You deserve better.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Tell your huband that you are ready to end the marriage and tell him WHY. He can't have it all his way. He's got to give to you, too. Show him this thread and ask him what he thinks.


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

CoolBreeze10 said:


> I was a little bit like your husband toward my wife. I started giving less attention to the things she liked, such as holding hands, random hugs and kisses, or just snuggling on the couch while watching tv. I did it all the time in the beginning, but after a few years, just forgot or got lazy about it. When I wanted sex, she wasn't in the mood and I didn't know why. We ended up having a long discussion about it and I realized she needed those things and it made her miserable not having them. I began getting back to my old self, the guy who holds her hand, snuggles on the couch and hugs her. My wife began wanting more sex and was happier. Like others have said, you should have a really good talk about it with him. He may not realize how dull and romantic he has become. You giving him the sex he wants is great, but you also deserve the affection you are looking for from him.


Thanks for that reply. I think that is what I am doing wrong.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

WTF. You H is acting like a jerk. 

Agree with others. 

PS Some men are happy with 2x week.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Missingpeace said:


> I've tried to have productive conversations, but it never works. He shuts down easily, gets angry at me since I dont think/feel like him, and then he turns it around on me. I doubt I can put up with another 12 years like this, since I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I guess im just lost, and wondered if I really am wrong about this. There are other issues (but ill post those in another thread).



Consider how you are communicating with him. Clearly, how you are doing it now is not being heard or received. Is it because he is a jerk and ignoring you or is it because he really is not understanding what you are saying? You don't have to answer, but I think it is worth considering. If it is because he does not understand, have you tried other ways to get your point across? For example, rather than focus on what you don't want him to do, encourage what you do want him to do.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

tariq456 said:


> My friend I am not kidding . If in one time he get orgasm then what will remain ? So I tell her for some tips to satisfy him .


Can people be banned from the site by posting Nonsensical replies like this?


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

Since I'm in one hell of a mood today, I'm willing to play devils advocate here just a little.

Firstly, I'm amazed you have managed to maintain having sex that often just because your husband wants it, that seems remarkable and makes him seem extremely selfish. This places me in agreement with what a lot of people have already posted.

I have a question to ask though, and only the original poster can really provide an answer.

Did you husband provide the closeness and emotional support you need earlier in your relationship?

The reason I ask this.......if we were to go and ask my wife how often I directly ask or try to initiate sex she would say 10-15 times a week. She's thrown the twice a day number at me constantly. In absolute reality, its 2-4 times a week, roughly every 2nd day.(This number is almost zero now, but thats another topic) We reached a point that a hand on a thigh, a kiss that lingers for more than 1/4 second or a quick hug with a little extra effort thrown in is deemed to be a direct effort for me to have sex. I have no intention of having sex, but she runs a mile. So, in the last few months, the only time I bother to initiate any contact is when I know she will be receptive to the option of having sex and the rest of the time, don't bother.

In her mind I'm sure I'm only interested in sex now and don't care about the rest. 

Maybe some time where you initiate some contact with your husband with the EXPRESS understanding that there will not be any sex would be a good starting point for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tjohnson said:


> Can people be banned from the site by posting Nonsensical replies like this?


Or how about for sending nonsensical PM's telling people to 'behave your self '?

I haven't seen one productive post from this person.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Missingpeace said:


> I have been married for 12 years. I knew that my husband liked sex, and I do to, but I feel it has gotten out of hand the last few years. On an avereage week, we have sex 6 times. I force myself to do it because I know its important to him, even though I have very little desire. I feel guilty about not wanting it, and even worse about not initiating it. For 12 years now, he shows only sexual attention. No holding my hand or snuggling, just gropes, smacks (on rear), and occasionally cramming fingers in my privates ( like while watch tv together).
> Things haven't been great due to other issues, so a couple nights ago, I was tired and started to fall asleep. He flat our told me he wanted a bj. I groaned about it, not wanting to. Well he got mad, and said he is tired of asking for sex and he is now sleeping in the guest room. He says that way I dont have to deal with him. He refuses to talk about it. He thinks I am making up excuses about why I dont want it. I am overweight, overworked, and lacking in our relationship. He thinks I am either cheating or using toys (neither is the case). I just dont know what to do.


Then I would hand him a wad of tissue, a tube a lube and introduce him to his rosy left palm


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## Missingpeace (Nov 16, 2011)

Thank you all, i greatly appreciate all your thoughts. 
As of now, my marriage is ending due to his ” accident” last sunday. He admitted to me that he got drunk and slept with someone else. I cannot live with infidelity under no circumstance, therefore its over. All that is left is to put one foot in front of the other and stay strong for my kids.
So maybe someday i will meet my match, but until then i will walk with God.
Thanks everyone!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry to hear that. Get tested for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ayan (Nov 26, 2011)

just give him a Bj here and there, its like Magic


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## Nantytam (Jul 10, 2015)

From one woman to another I have the same problem. I was divorced 25 years and never even wanted to date again when I met my husband and feel in love! The frequent sex was wonderful the first year as it was so new and I was celibate for many years. I thought that two or three times a day was a lot; but after all, we were in the honeymoon phase. My business went downhill and caring for grandchildren took the backseat for that year. Then, the catching up phase in my business and relating to more than two grandchildren that are now nine grandchildren including his. I love them all the same and They all need our help! I am totally drained. My husband has ED and it takes him an hour to climax. We have intercourse for an hour at night, wake up five hours later and he wants it again. I tell him my love tank is filled; and he gets angry. He says if I really enjoyed sex, we would be engaging more often then once per day. I feel he is being selfish, and he believes the same of me. It has come to the point where I had a very negative feelings about sex now. He says I need counseling and I think he needs counseling for his sex addiction. When he was tested by his doctor for his problems with ED, the doctor said his testosterone levels were off the charts high. I don't know if there's medication to lower his testosterone; but at this point, I'd be willing to sneak it into his coffee!!!! This is ruining our marriage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your story is unusual, most men with ED avoid sex because they are too embarrassed. Your problem is you gave him so much sex when you first met that he assumed this would continue after marriage or I doubt he would have married you. I would just tell him you are tired sometimes. He needs to know it can't always be his way. You two need to compromise and once a day should be enough for him especially with the time it takes.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Start a fresh thread, this thing is 4 years old


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