# Feeling Guilty



## DangMe (Apr 2, 2009)

I have feelings for my man's best friend...I have been feeling really horrible about this and even considered ending our 9 year realationship because I have never had these feelings for anyone else since we met. I feel like a horrible person for these thoughts that I am having. It is pretty clear that his friend is attracted to me because he compliments me and hits on me all of the time....where my man is lacking. He always seems to know exactly what to say to make my heart skip a beat. After years of having these feelings, I have come clean with my man and told him that I am attracted to someone else and that I feel horrible about it. I just try to convince him that I would never take it to another level. He didn't ask who the other person was and he acted like I should have never told him at all but I felt so guilty keeping this secret. Its as if I already cheated though I have not. I broke off our engagement until I can sort out these feelings that I am having. Are these feelings normal? What do I do? I am going nuts here!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm sorry... you're in a tough spot. But, you're not married yet? 

I have to say personally, you probably don't need to go through with the marriage to your boyfriend, if you're having such strong feelings for someone else, whether it's his friend or anyone else.

You probably will need to end this relationship, so that you don't hurt your current boyfried even more. Because if you do marry him, these feelings will most certainly not go away, and then the stakes will be much higher, and you'll end up having a marriage full of hurt, and resentment, on both your parts.

Your feelings are not abnormal... you're simply feeling something for someone else, for the last nine years, that you've been in a denial state about.... 

Marrying your boyfriend , if youhave feelings like these for another man... now that would be wrong. I would tell your boyfriend that you cannot be with him anymore. 

You can't, can you? If you love your boyfriend, then commit to never think about this other man again... but, you probably won't be able to do that. And so, it might be in the best interest of everyone involved if you just break it off for good. And then if this other man is someone you want to pursue a relationship with, then so be it.

Don't feel guilty, but don't drag this out with your boyfriend and end up hurting him even more either.... 

Good luck... update us if you can


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If you want to improve things with your man you will need to end all contact with the friend. In order to do that you will need to tell him who it is and why. I difficult thing to do, I know. But then again….



DangMe said:


> It is pretty clear that his friend is attracted to me because he compliments me and hits on me all of the time....where my man is lacking.


….he is no true friend to your husband. In my opinion any man who engages in this kind of behavior has done it before and will do it again. By your own wording “hits on me” sounds to me like he is just trying to score and you’re the target. Even if your relationship with your fiance doesn't work out, stay away from this guy. He's a loser.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well kudos to you for being honest. he may be making you feel bad about it, but it took a lot of guts for you to be honest. You did the right thing. I always tell my H when Im feeling attracted to someone else. I even told him when i signed up for adult friend finder. im not about secrets. 

Have you tried talking to your guy about the lack of attention?

If your man isnt giving you attention, and some other guy is, its perfectly natural for you to fall for the other person. I hope you are not considering getting involved with this other guy, though. Think about it. What kind of a guy would do that to his best friend? and what kind of a guy would break up a relationship?? He's obviously not mature or loyal. If you did get with him, he would not be loyal to you either. There are other guys out there that will treat you better then that.


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## coffee bean (Apr 3, 2009)

So you've been with your man for 9 years - how many years exactly has his best friend been flirting with you? Count them up - it's important to get the picture of what's really been going on without your man suspecting anything.

It may have been honest to come out and say you're attracted to another guy, but a complete cop-out not to say who he is. 
I tend to agree with those who are telling you to look more carefully at this guy's character. Does he get off on wanting someone else's woman?

Look carefully at what you've got with your boyfriend. What qualities does he have that have made you stay with him for 9 years? 

Ask yourself what 'gap' is this other man filling for you? If it's just that he pays you attention, gives you the eye, gratifies your ego and staves off boredom, then it's possible that it's all in your head and you actually need to sort your own self out, not swap partners. Consider that if you hooked up with him, once you've settled into the new relationship, those sexy little 'hunter and hunted' games would probably stop. Woops - back to reality.

Ask yourself - do you truly get along with this guy who is your boyfriend's best friend? Do you really really believe him to be loving, kind, honest, trustworthy, fun to be with, intelligent? Does he have your best interests at heart? Or is he actually just fulfilling the role of 'bad boy' in your head? You know, we women love the idea of crazy rampant sex with flirty bad boys, but it's absolutely essential to maintain the distinction between fantasy and reality. Especially when it comes to not wrecking a usually loving and OK relationship.

Time to ask yourself some hard questions and above all - don't deceive yourself or it could all end in tears (yours mainly). I know all this because I was in a similar position once, and I learned the hard way!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It is normal to develop crushes, but very dangerous when the other person feels a mutual attraction, and it's your fiance's friend. What the heck is he thinking to flirt with his friend's girl? I had many crushes online and offline, but never taken them to any level, just chatting as "just friends."


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## DangMe (Apr 2, 2009)

Thanks for the advice everyone! I have often felt that my boyfriends friend is in the wrong for flirting with me too. It is not that he does it in private behind his back. He actually flirts with me right in front of my man.  It started out as a teasing sort of joke but has really gotten out of hand. In the beginning, I was with my current bf a couple of weeks when other friends of ours told me that his friend was interested in me. Our friends have always thought that I was with the wrong person cuz my current bf can be a real jerk at times. So I knew right from the start that this guy was interested in me. I have been attracted to him from the very start but have never let it be known because they are friends and that is just wrong on so many levels. Over the course of 9 years when ever my bf is treating me bad, his friend always seems to defend me and stick up for me. He reminds my bf how lucky he is to have a girl like me, and tells him when he's acting like an idiot. I think that is what has drawn me to him even more. He seems to pay attention to the little things and seems to understand women where my bf does not. He has actually told me right in front of my bf that I deserve better than him. Of course my bf isn't blind to the attraction between us. He has already accused me of "wanting" him. Then again he thinks that I want all of his other friends too so maybe he doesnt realize how serious this is. I tried to tell him who I was attracted to but he honestly cut me off and didn't want to hear it. He actually tol dme to quit running my jaws before I said something I was going to regret.  He seems to think that if he pretends that everything is fine in our Brady Bunch world then it will be. I have told his friend that the flirting and the comments that he makes to me needs to stop. I told him that it is really screwing with my head when he calls me sexy and things like that. In 9 years my bf has never told me that I am beautiful or made any sort of comment that I looked good so of course when someone else notices it is going to get my attention. So for now his friend has stopped making these comments and such becasue I asked him to stop. When we talked about it, we both agreed that we could never ever pursue anything together. I made it very clear that even if I broke it off with my current bf I could never be with him. I am not out to completely devastate him nor do I want to ruin their friendship. Besides the fact that my bf would probably kill him. So I think I have done everything that I can do here besides stop thinking about this other person. I have to admit I felt alot better after telling my bf about these feelings that I am having but I still feel guilty for having them at all.


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## Alecram (Apr 3, 2009)

Wow, your bf doesn't sound like he's the best catch. Of course you're not clueing us in on his positive points which I'm sure he has. Maybe your bf is the bad boy and that's why you've been with him so long. You're hoping he's going to change, they never do. Honey, if his own friends are telling you that you deserve better, maybe you could stand to listen.

It's a fact that things change once you're married, and not always for the better, just ask any of the married people in this forum. If your man is a douche before marriage, I doubt he'll become a good guy once you tie the noose, I mean knot.

Maybe you should break it off with your bf (even if you're not going to pursue anything with his best friend) because you DO deserve better.


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