# People don't seem to understand I'm not magically okay two weeks later...



## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

It's funny how people deal with someone who is going through a tradgedy. I understand it is very uncomfortable for people who haven't been there themselves to deal with someone who is grieving, or traumatized, or just generally lost and confused as I am. But sometimes I have to shake my head in frustration. 

My husband broke off all contact and disapeared two weeks ago, after weeks of constant verbal abuse towards me, threats and all manner of scarring fights. So last night for the second time in a week my dad is asking me if I've gone to check out dating websites yet. WTF?? I get that he doesn't want moss to grow under the stone, and he wants grandkids, but REALLY. I can't help it my husband just left me, I know, I screwed up, I married a psycho, I made about the biggest misjudgement I possibly ever could have. But that doesn't mean I can just put it all behind me instantly and be in a place and a state of mind where I could even CONSIDER dating right now.

Another friend, when I told her, gave me the requisite hug everyone seems to think I need, and then immediately launched into her own big news- she and her boyfriend had broken up for about 8 hours and were now officially back together, and she was so relieved because boy had that been a rough 8 hours! I sort of just listened with a gaping mouth, not even really paying any attention to her lengthy story, and marveling. 

I guess it just doesn't seem real to anyone. Everyone treats what I'm going through as yesterday's news. No one wants to hear that I'm hurting today, that I had to call a lawyer I can't afford, to talk about how to divorce the man I intended to spend my life with. Everyone had their moment of showing sympathy, so they can feel they are being charitable and doing their duty as a good person, but they honestly are already tired of having a friend going through a divorce, and I'm only just at the beginning!

And yet I find myself really having to deal with everything I am going through mostly on my own. 

I'd love to know if others have found this to also be true, or what you experienced from your friends and family when your life fell apart.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Very much true. Except my closest friends who let me vent, cry, talk about it 100 times, etc. 

One woman asked if I was dating again. Mind you, hubs and I were separated for 3 months...she asked this 3 weeks into it. Really?! Holy crap.

My mom even said I should think about moving on and not trying to work it out. Nice. Thanks, Mom.

I think people just don't know what to say to people who are grieving. When my friend's daughter passed suddenly at 4 months old, NO ONE called after the first week.  No one invited her anywhere, etc. No one knew what to say. It was sad.

Just do what you do....but regarding your 'friend'..she's a turd. One thing is for SURE, you will find out whom your true friends are. She doesn't sound like one. She sounds like a one sided friendship person. Always about her.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I agree,people don't know how to respond when someone is grieving. 

When my brother committed suicide, people would tell me things like, "At least he is at peace now"...or "his suffering is finally over"...blah blah blah.

Those statements were not really what I wanted to hear; nor were they particularly helpful in my greiving process. But, these people did not know what to say and they were trying their best.

Now, people are constantly telling me that I "can do better"...or, that in the long run I will be happy. So that I am "better off without him". I don't really want to hear these statements, and I always do not want to hear disparaging comments made about my estranged husband....(although sometimes I do.  )

You need to tell your family and friends what you need. I had to tell my mom that I don't want her to bad-mouth my estranged husband all the time...I just need her there to listen to me when I feel sad or alone. It has helped a lot to tell her how she can support me. 

Your family and friends obviously want the best for you. They want to support you--you may just have to tell them how to do that.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I feel very fortunate to have family members who will take a call anytime of the day or night if I need a shoulder. One in particular, my older brother has been there supporting me for over a year now. Three sisters are also accessible to me and willing to listen, give advice and encouragement. I also have a few friends who are there for me.

On the sad side, there have been some comments made through this roller coaster of a year, that were not very tasteful, but as That Girl said, some people just don't know what to say.

I can see over time that some are just getting tired of the whole thing, I can't blame them. My wife and my happy marriage used to define me, now it is my seperated wife, what has happened between us lately and my possible future divorce. What a shame.

Hope to make that change!


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## thurm09 (Feb 11, 2012)

You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, what is it you want. Once you find out what you want, then make your heart and mind go in the same direction. Understand your family wants immediate happiness for you (that's why it can be bad to get advice from them). People tell will tell you what they think will make you happy, but the truth is you need to decide what you want. 

For example people tell me the same thing about my wife. She'll regret it later on in life and I can find someone who will love me better. I am following my heart and keeping faith until I feel that I it is time to move on. I know my wife is crazy right now. Nothing makes sense to me, but I choose to still be there. 

Do what you feel is right. If you need someone to talk to that has not bias let me know and I am more than willing to give you my opinion.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I am lucky to have had my family, they have helped so much. Some friends and acquaintances, not so much. My problem has been misguided and conflicting support. Some friends tried to convince me that "getting some" would fix it. Ummm...I have been rejected in that way for quite some time... not at the best of esteem level, plus I am not that guy. Some have even condemned me. 
What always keeps my mind at ease is that I handle myself with as much class (as possible, I am not perfect.) Keep your head as high as possible and be the best you can be.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

No one teaches us as a society how to deal with someone who is grieving, many people have been incredibly supportive to me, but there is definitely caregiver burnout. This has been happening for over a year and they are tired of it. They kicked it up a bit for the actual court date, but still, they are done. I tell my Mom, who often says, " I don't want to bring it up because I know it makes you sad", to just ask me how I am doing. If I want to talk, I will otherwise I will say I am fine. Not too hard!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

SilverPanther said:


> It's funny how people deal with someone who is going through a tradgedy. I understand it is very uncomfortable for people who haven't been there themselves to deal with someone who is grieving, or traumatized, or just generally lost and confused as I am. But sometimes I have to shake my head in frustration.
> 
> My husband broke off all contact and disapeared two weeks ago, after weeks of constant verbal abuse towards me, threats and all manner of scarring fights. So last night for the second time in a week my dad is asking me if I've gone to check out dating websites yet. WTF?? I get that he doesn't want moss to grow under the stone, and he wants grandkids, but REALLY. I can't help it my husband just left me, I know, I screwed up, I married a psycho, I made about the biggest misjudgement I possibly ever could have. But that doesn't mean I can just put it all behind me instantly and be in a place and a state of mind where I could even CONSIDER dating right now.
> 
> ...





SilverPanther said:


> It's funny how people deal with someone who is going through a tradgedy. I understand it is very uncomfortable for people who haven't been there themselves to deal with someone who is grieving, or traumatized, or just generally lost and confused as I am. But sometimes I have to shake my head in frustration.
> 
> My husband broke off all contact and disapeared two weeks ago, after weeks of constant verbal abuse towards me, threats and all manner of scarring fights. So last night for the second time in a week my dad is asking me if I've gone to check out dating websites yet. WTF?? I get that he doesn't want moss to grow under the stone, and he wants grandkids, but REALLY. I can't help it my husband just left me, I know, I screwed up, I married a psycho, I made about the biggest misjudgement I possibly ever could have. But that doesn't mean I can just put it all behind me instantly and be in a place and a state of mind where I could even CONSIDER dating right now.
> 
> ...


I was given a book by my therapist on this whole topic. It was a very good read and gives exercises on how to deal with this stuff. It is called The Grief Recovery Handbook by Russell Friedman. I

I think people not going through this just don't know what to say. They don't feel your pain so they don't understand. 

I don't have any family or friends I can really talk too so i keep everything in. That book has exercises to help you cope. 

There are some really nice and supportive people on this board so i hope it will help you vent and feel supported.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone 

I know people don't understand, and sometimes I just lose patience, I guess. I am standing on the other side of a chasm from all my friends and a lot of my family. Everyone has been through the heartbreak of a relationship going sour, but they all still sort of believe that once they find that person they are to marry, everything will be good, they'll ride off into the sunset, live happily ever after, curtain closes. I'm on the other side of the curtain and there wasn't a happily ever after there, there was a world of pain of disaster such as I never imagined would happen to me. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real to ME. So I really can't blame others for not really grasping onto what happened, either. 

But it is hard because I have always relied heavily on my friends and family to get me through tough times, and they have always been supportive, but now I feel alone in dealing with this. 

Thanks for the book recomendation, sadwithouthim, I will keep that in mind. And yeah, Thurm, I think I am struggling somewhat because I don't fully know what I want. Sometimes I end up talking and talking about what my husband did to me, but then at the end of it I feel awful, because I really didn't want to drag up all that pain just now. But other times I don't want to talk, and I want to pretend nothing happened, but I know that burying the pain and not dealing with it will only give it more power over me in the future. And often I just feel paralyzed, entirely.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

SilverPanther said:


> It's funny how people deal with someone who is going through a tradgedy. I understand it is very uncomfortable for people who haven't been there themselves to deal with someone who is grieving, or traumatized, or just generally lost and confused as I am. But sometimes I have to shake my head in frustration.
> 
> My husband broke off all contact and disapeared two weeks ago, after weeks of constant verbal abuse towards me, threats and all manner of scarring fights. So last night for the second time in a week my dad is asking me if I've gone to check out dating websites yet. WTF?? I get that he doesn't want moss to grow under the stone, and he wants grandkids, but REALLY. I can't help it my husband just left me, I know, I screwed up, I married a psycho, I made about the biggest misjudgement I possibly ever could have. But that doesn't mean I can just put it all behind me instantly and be in a place and a state of mind where I could even CONSIDER dating right now.
> 
> ...


I hear ya and am right there with you. 

It's been about a month since my 3 year relationship ended and she moved out.

It was not even a week before a friend of mine was chomping at the bit for me to meet some other woman he knows, who he thinks we would make a good match.

It's like he can't even register that I am not ready to meet someone new.


It's people. In my experience, truly empathetic people are actually a minority in this world.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry for your pain. People who haven't been through a divorce do not understand how traumatic/excruciating it is. Don't worry about everyone else. heal yourself and take it day by day.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry for your pain. People who haven't been through a divorce do not understand how traumatic/excruciating it is. Don't worry about everyone else. heal yourself and take it day by day.


Very well said. I'm fortunate to have many friends to speak with about what I'm going through, but it's been two months since my stbxw announced she wanted to separate. I need them less and at this point and some are expecting I'm over things... but it's still a process. 

I have two good friends who have been through this experience. They are far more understanding, and both have told me it will take a year to really feel better. One could not date for a year, while the other had several flings a few months later. Knowing myself, it will be several more months before I'm ready to move on and date again. My wife is still very much in my heart.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree, it's easier to get support if you can define what you need.
Of course, you would like for someone to love you and to know your needs. But as we are not infants, and our needs are complex, and our moms have moved onto other things...
The IMPORTANT things, you have to arrange for yourself, and then invite others to come along. NEED some relaxing time, go to a yoga class, then invite your friend or relative to come along. NEED to eat because you are losing weight? Pick a favorite meal and ask if you can come over to their place and cook for all of you. Just explain you need to eat, so this will fit the bill. NEED a hug? Easy say you need a hug and put your arms out and take a step closer. Don't creep out the recipient, just take your hug. I think you see where this is going. People don't want to overstep your boundaries. But they're not getting any clues from you so they feel helpless. When people feel helpless and don't want to interfere, they say something like a placefiller. Your dad tells you what a guy would do, maybe what he would do, or thinks he would do in your place. You have to understand if your H was abusive, they don't really get that you were so attached maybe not to him, but to the relationship, and can't just easily switch to dating mode. It's too disorienting. You could tell your dad, no I don't feel like dating right now but hey, we can spend some time together, what are some of the things you wish you'd done with me as a kid that we can do now, BEFORE I take your advice and start dating. You dad maybe is concerned with you getting out and being appreciated, but he's not going to offer to do that for you, because it's just plain weird, but you can ask him to go with you to places you want to check out. Your friend, maybe she was really traumatized, and you know, sometimes women can get competitve about trauma. When they're not being overly jealous of other's perfect lives only to find out a year later that 20 year marriage the guy was cheating on her the whole time...and the kid got busted for drugs. Friends are strange that way. They're so used to you or so relieved that you finally got out of an abusive relationship, in their mind they think the man is gone, so let's celebrate your issue is over, but hey, now you can understand what I'm going through.

My friends only coddle me if I cry or something, even then they don't spend too long acting like I'm a basket case, they know I'm just sharing something with them and I'll go back to normal almost right away and do a lot of things in terms of self-care. So they don't feel overly burdened. I do take time to show to social events and to have interests other than my issues (which are small compared to issues in the bigger world...maybe reflective of issues in the bigger world?) also I extend invitations that are appropriate and I do things in the meantime that relieve anything that could overwhelm me. Sometimes I just ask a friend to drive with me somewhere, like when I had to go to a stressful appt. Or I just say, this is really stressing me out, how can I look at this a different way? This allows them to talk. But not to actually have to solve anything. People want you to have your pride, so they're not going to act like you need rescuing. This is a diplomatic thing. Yes, people have roles, but you need to do some directing.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Initiation into this club is worse than any frat, sorority or gang could ever devise. With that said, it has been my experience for nearly a year now that people just don't know how to handle situations like ours. Some just chose to quietly fade away, others say "get over it already!", and still others take sides and say such horrible things about the "bad" spouse all the while erroneously thinking that we don't have a problem hearing those things.

I'm slowly making the decisions on who to "delete" from my life now and who's earned a place in it. Some decisions may be wrong, sure that some will definitely be right. The main thing I remember is what/who is best for me.

Take all the time you need, no one else's timetable matters.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

I never really thought about it, but I guess you have a point. They are just so happy that I have gotten out of a bad situation, they're throwing some virtual confetti and don't really understand why I'm not joining in.

Also, I think it doesn't help that while I have known my husband for ten years, longer in fact than I have known all but one of the friends I have now, because we lived in different places, none of my friends really know him. They've met him, and talked to him some, but he has never been a part of our group, whereas we all know each other, and see each other often. So to them he was never really a major part of the picture anyway, even though to me of course he was a central part of the picture.

Homemaker- You have some very good advice. I am trying to parse out what I need, and I am asking people for some help. I actually joined a gym last week, for the first time in my life, and I joined one that I have two friends who are members of. So now we can all work out together, and I absolutely LOVE it. I love working out alone sometimes, and with friends sometimes. Both help a lot. I also do do yoga with my sister and one friend, and that helps too. I guess I am not the most verbal with my needs, and you're right, people probably don't want to overstep my bounds, they don't know if I want them to bring up my husband and how I'm doing, or pretend it never happened. 

Cherokee- I'm happy to say right now everyone is being pretty good about not saying terrible things about my absent spouse, though I know that they might be tempted. In the past I have experienced that, though, where people will talk about an ex of mine like "wow, what a loser!" But this is hurtful to me, because hey, I picked this "loser", so it's sort of a dig on me, too. And I know the person, and know they were not all bad, so I hate when people only see the bad.

I do have the advantage that my Dad went through a traumatizing divorce when he was young. Yes, this is also the guy who was bugging me to join dating websites, but I think he just hates to see me down, and is also in a hurry to get grandkids, but in the past he used to tell me about how bad things were for him with his ex-wife. How he was so messed up he had to go into therapy, and didn't date anyone for a year, then the first person he dated was like 8 years younger than him, because he couldn't handle a mature relationship yet. Then, after her, he met and dated my mom and they have been married ever since. So his story has helped me to know there's nothing wrong with me for grieving and going through this.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i can't believe how stupid people can be. if anyone asks me if i'm dating after 2 weeks, even 3 mos. i'd be glad to never see them again.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

SilverPanther said:


> And yet I find myself really having to deal with everything I am going through mostly on my own.
> 
> I'd love to know if others have found this to also be true, or what you experienced from your friends and family when your life fell apart.


I'm sorry that your friends and family have been so insensitive. It feels isolating enough to go through so much pain from one's partner and then have one's support structures end up being so woefully inadequate. If anything, it shows how strong you are as a person because you probably didn't lean on them much before, or at least not as much as you feel you had. I'd suggest getting a therapist if you don't have one; it's kept me from falling out of life entirely after my life fell apart.

Most of my friends and family have been insensitive and clueless about how to deal with me and I feel like a burden to everyone. People get pushy about how you should feel and behave and get mad when you don't take their advice or opinions to heart, I've found. People are also very impatient. So, I've found that if I need to talk to people, it's best to do so in batches. Talk to one or two people. Talk to one or two later in the process, etc. It's rare to find anyone who will be willing to stick out the whole thing with you, but you can shift support structures to get more of a sense of connection and not feel like you're burdening anyone. I have gotten very suspicious and defensive because too many people are trying to manipulate me into doing what they want me to do the way they want me to do it and are lying to me about stuff. 

In fact, after my moment in which I freaked out because I thought you were someone I knew, many of your posts were very helpful for me to hear and think about. I'd suggest sticking around this forum as a way to deal with stuff because it looks like only people who are going through similar things are able to really get it and be there for others in the same rough waters.

Also, it sounds like you've been through a lot with your EH, some abusive stuff, a lot of intense connection with him but not as much interaction with others. You're going to be feeling this intensely, I imagine. I'm going through a similar thing, as you may know from my posts, verbal abuse, threats from WH, etc. My family and friends seem to feel like I've been saved from a monster, but I can't quite see him as a monster despite his abusiveness because so much of what we had that others didn't see over many years was so good. What I mean is, you've lived the whole of your relationship and so it's going to be a lot for you to have to process and come to terms with. I hope that it gets easier for you. You seem stronger than me in your convictions and I imagine that will help you, even though it's terrible to be in this situation.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like you're doing well.
It will take a while but just be persistent, and go for IC. Leaving someone is difficult, but it is not impossible. Any points of exposure you have, close them off as well as you can, and the rest, just monitor until it becomes a habit. Once you get used to feeling 'well' (and also enunciating how you feel, generally, and what you need...) when something is 'off', you're recognize it sooner and be able to sidestep.
There's no magic button, but if you're consistently kind to yourself, others follow suit and things go better. You also set a good example for others...and make them feel good knowing that people don't just give up or cow down to bad situations - this builds a much better social group on the whole...it's habit-forming


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think that people just don't have the understanding of what it means to go through a separation or divorce. Whether you are the person who left the marriage, or were dumped, it really doesn't change the feelings you have when it ends.

It feels like you are somewhat lost, you expect the person to be beside you when you wake up, when you have dinner, or just feeling their presence in the home. It takes a while to adjust to being alone. It's only been a month for me, and wow, it's a big change. I'm sort of at peace with the ending, it had to be done, but at the same time, it's a very difficult thing to go through. I miss a lot of things, others not so much. 

Most of my friends are really supportive, but yeah, they don't really get it, they do feel like I'll be fine, and be able to move on. One of my friends said "it's a new chapter in your life", I agree, but it's so soon to be thinking about anything besides getting my own sh*t together, the stuff that led to my separation.

Stick with the people who'll listen to you and not advise you to get out on the scene, you'll be ready when you are.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it does matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee. I hardly think the dumper feels the depths of hell like the dumpee. Sorry, just not possible.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I think it does matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee. I hardly think the dumper feels the depths of hell like the dumpee. Sorry, just not possible.


No, not the same. 

But if you're ending it with someone who you do care about, who is generally a good person, who didn't do anything wrong, and who is in love with you but you realize you don't feel the same and want that for yourself?

That still sucks. 

Unless you are socio-path or just cruel, it's not fun to break somebody's heart.

To watch them crying on the floor, looking dejected knowing their dreams had been shattered and you did it.

You did it because you feel in your gut that something is missing and you want to be happy. A dillemma you sure as hell have agonized over and over during countless sleepless nights. Wondering how did you get yourself in this position. How did life get so crazy. How did I lose myself there. 

In fact, it is it's own rarely discussed pit of crappy feelings.

You feel like **** about it. You feel heartbroken yourself. And most people don't give a ****. You even get some people telling you what a terrible person you are.

And you will feel guilty. You will miss them. You will have to learn to get on with your life also. And you have to wonder if you made a mistake. And you wonder will you ever find someone who loves you like that again?

No, I never felt what she did. But it's not a picnic either. 

Cheers.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Usually if someone has a tragedy I call them that day and tell them "I don't know what to say, but I'm here for whatever you need" I usually find they need someone to just listen..Am I right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

desert_rose- I apologize if you thought I was someone you knew. That can be disconcerting on an anonymous forum. I can't imagine we could know each other in person. I do certainly intend to stick around, this forum has been very helpful for me so far in what I'm going through. It's good just to know you're not alone. 

As far as the dumper versus dumpee debate, I think it depends on the situation, obviously. If you dump someone and then have to watch them suffer, that can be horrible. But on the other hand, you are also enjoying the benefits of a choice you made, hopefully, for your own good, whereas someone who has been dumped just lost what they felt was for their own good, so they have to live a life that is less desirable than before, and this happened against their will. I think that does make it harder to be dumped.

But that's not to say that being the dumper is not also horribly hard. And in the case of my situation, which I wrote about today, I technically was the dumper, but not because I had someone new in mind, or really wanted to go on without my husband, but because he had already made it clear to me for months on end how little he valued me, even though he still *needed* me, so he would never consider leaving me. But he had already checked out of any sort of intimate, loving relationship with me, I just had to be the one to shut the door all the way on it. THAT was horrible, because I am still not getting what I want, but I also have the guilt of knowing I made this choice, and listening to him cry and beg. Those sorts of situations can be horrible.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I think it does matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee. I hardly think the dumper feels the depths of hell like the dumpee. Sorry, just not possible.


I totally agree. Once i broke off my engagement to the love of my life (I honestly never found a man better than him!). He was so kind, wonderful, loving, generous to me. But I somehow still felt incomplete in the relationship. When I dumped him, I felt it was a tragedy and was so strickened with pain, guilt and grief. It was an 8-year relationship. 

But that pain was nowhere as great as the separation from my husband who dumped me. And my husband was not even a nice guy. There is no pain greater in my mind, heart, soul and spirit than going through a divorce and being the dumpee. 

Back to the OP's comment about insensitive people. Yes, it truly sucks. I was having a drink with my supposed best friend soon after my husband walked out. I felt like a dead woman walking at that time. My friend's first language was not English and I couldn't understand some few things she was trying to tell me plus I was in a state of mental confusion and illness from my divorce pain, so I interrupted her twice to ask her to explain what she was saying. She wrote me a scathing email that night telling me I was rude, self-absorbed, too lost in my divorce grief and I had totally displeased her by interrupting her speech. She also added that while she understood my divorce grief, I still had no right to steal the limelight and should never ever interrupt her speech again. Like WTH! Needless to say, we are hardly friends anymore now.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Wow SueMolly, that is just awful!

My friends all seem to think that my healing from this is simple. My one friend last week kept asking me what was wrong, I seemed so quiet, was everything okay? And at the time I didn't want to talk about or even acknowledge how poorly I was feeling, so I made up a reason I was upset that wasn't really legit, and then the next day I told her what I was really feeling, and she was just like "don't worry about it, you'll be right as rain soon!" Yeah, I know it seems simple, and I know time does heal all wounds, but mine is pretty deep, and I know I'll never be the same as I was before it happened, so I hate that everyone acts like this is no big deal.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

i have been very lucky concerning the support i have recieved, my stbx left me 20mths ago for a woman he had an EA with. None of my friends could beleive what had happened as they felt we were a great couple and he was so in love with me, pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. I was left in peices i had lost my soulmate and best friend, we had been together for over 20 years, was my first real boyfriend. I have a small group of friends who went out of thier way daily for 6 months along with my parents to keep me going, for the sake of my kids, they made me eat, they took me out, they let me howl like a banshee on their shoulders and they helped me slag them both off. Without them i seriously do not think i would have made it. Even now 20 months on they know when i am hurting bad and they are there for me always. My neighbour has been an absolute angel and even when she was down we helped each other(she just lost her daughter), we cried and laughed together. Her new man is also wonderful, he has said that their door is always open for me anytime i need to let it out ( he knows how i feel as his wife left him 2 years ago for another woman) I would be so lost without that group of friends and my parents. Also my kids have been amazing, it has been hard on all of us, but the silver lining in all this is me and my daughter are now so close, she was daddy's girl but now she is mine. They kept me strong, i needed to be there to help them through it their pain. What i do find hard is the people i would call aquaintences telling me i should be dating by now, and i will find someone else. I am not interested, i do not want to open myself up to that hurt again, but they can't seem to understand that. i feel i am just beginning to cope better, the first year was a blur, but the rest has been much more positive with less down days. I still have moments that set me back but i pull out of them quicker. This weekend was a doozy when i found out that STBX had gotten engaged to the OW. finding this site helped too as when i needed to vent i could do it here.My neighbour was there for me as well.
I just take each day as it comes and deal with what i can. Somehow you find the strength to carry on.


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