# Feeling lonely and need help around the house!



## Irishgirl (Aug 18, 2011)

Hi everyone.....My husband and I have been married for just over a year and I feel like I am alone in this relationship! My husband works midnights (6 pm-6 am)4 nights a week and I am a full time teacher. When we took our pre-marriage counseling, we discussed how our schedules may affect our marriage. I had come to accept that I wouldn't be spending as much time as I liked with my husband. But I am now beginning to resent my husband, because all of the household help he promised in counseling has all but gone out of the window. Every single day, he stays awake until 6 in the morning and will sleep until 4 in the afternoon (this includes his days off). I spend this time at work, so hardly any housework gets done during the day. When he is on shift, he sleeps until the very last minute then runs around to get ready and head out the door. On the days he is off, I get home, he moves himself to the couch and falls back asleep again (that's his "time with me"). Meanwhile, I get some housework done and try to get dinner started. I don't mind cooking, but I would like help cleaning! I try to wake him up while I'm cooking, but that usually isn't successful until we eat. When we first got married, I had this grand illusion that he would help do some housework in the evenings while I grade papers, etc. but man was I wrong! He either goes and plays video games or lays on the couch like a disgusting blob! The only housework he currently does is take out the garbage (we live in a condo building). I try to talk to him but all I get is one word answers or he will repeatedly tell me he "loves" me. It makes me wonder if he really does. The other reason this has started to bother me more and more is that I am not the person I used to be. I was the strong, self-confident girl growing up. Now its not worth it for me to fight with him anymore. I can't really talk about this with my family because we were raised in a strict, marriage through thick and thin kind of family. You're supposed to deal with marriage issues privately. I don't know if I should sit down with him and have a serious talk about the status of our relationship or if that will just make it worse?? Any advise I can get would be greatly appreciated!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

His work hours are the worst. I did grave yard shift in a 24 hour diner and lemme tell ya, it sucked. I never had time for anything...I slept wayyy too much.

However, I'm now a teacher and I understand that job. My husband works 12 hour days and he's dead tired too.

I do suggest talking with him. Does he have days off?


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## Irishgirl (Aug 18, 2011)

He is on a rotating schedule....so this week he only works two days, but next week he only has off two days....his sleep schedule remains the same though, which is understandable but still tough for me! I want to talk to him, but I'm not sure how to approach it....suggestions?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Irishgirl said:


> He either goes and plays video games or lays on the couch like a disgusting blob! The only housework he currently does is take out the garbage (we live in a condo building). I try to talk to him but all I get is one word answers or he will repeatedly tell me he "loves" me.


How do you try to talk to him? I'm puzzled that he would repeatedly tell you he loves you, in relation to trying to talk with him about chores. Am I misunderstanding this sentence?

Love is about considering each other. Being an adult is about knowing you have responsibilities. 

Did you ever sit down together and work out who is going to do what? For example: my H cleans the bathroom weekly and often does grocery shopping. I take care of the laundry, clean the house, vacuum and pay bills. We both cook and both take out the trash (although if he sees me doing it, he usually offers). These are things that evolved over the years between us. We have an understanding of what our main responsibilities are. We're not perfect but we do have an expectation of each other with regards to the household. I've had times where I have mentioned the bathroom needs cleaning. He's had times where he's mentioned the laundry needs doing. We both accept this without getting defensive and get to work. It's part of our arrangement. 



Irishgirl said:


> The other reason this has started to bother me more and more is that I am not the person I used to be. I was the strong, self-confident girl growing up. Now its not worth it for me to fight with him anymore. I can't really talk about this with my family because we were raised in a strict, marriage through thick and thin kind of family. You're supposed to deal with marriage issues privately. I don't know if I should sit down with him and have a serious talk about the status of our relationship or if that will just make it worse?? Any advise I can get would be greatly appreciated!


You can't place blame on him about how you don't feel like that self-confident girl anymore. It does signal that changes need to happen though. Absolutely work out division of chores and how you can spend time together around his schedule. If you leave things as they are and you continue to take everything on board, your resentment and lack of respect towards him will deepen and that is not healthy. You're still in early days. It's time to make changes so you have a better chance at a happy future together. 

Best wishes to you.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I can relate to this a lot. My H works the 11 pm - 7 am shift and has done that for 22 years. His days off rotate back thru the calendar so that means he only has a weekend off every 6 weeks. And I'm a teacher too, so our time together has been very limited. Summers are ok because since I'm off for 2 months, it doesn't matter when he's off ... even if it's a weekday we could still do stuff. Uh, not that we DO .. but that's a whole other thread.

I think you really need to lay it out there for him. You ask if talking to him would make it worse ... just ask yourself if you're willing to live like that for the rest of your life, cuz I can guarantee it won't get better on its own.


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