# Has the abuse stopped or is it temporary?



## Girlygirl1234

Hi there-

I was hoping for a little help or guidance with my current issues here.


I will give you a little run down on me. I am 22 years old. I got married when I was 19 to a man who I was head over heals in love with. I met him while I was visiting my dad and while he was home on leave from the Marine Corps. While he was away, we kept in touch via skype & the phone. Probably at least once a week, we got into argument while on the phone, almost always over something incredibly small & stupid. Usually it was something I said that he took the wrong way, or I tried to joke with him about something and he didnt find it very funny.


After being away for a year, he came home. Before he came home, we had only spent a total of 3 weeks together in person (we met while he was on leave and got married when I went to visit him once). We had a bad argument probably at least once a week, sometimes more. More times than I can count, our arguments turned into him screaming at me, telling me how he hoped I would get run over by a truck, how he hoped I would die, how he wish he had never met me, and than him leaping at me and putting one hand around my throat and another over my mouth, to the point where I couldnt breath. Three times I have been raped by him (although I am not sure if it is considered rape since he is my husband, but he forced himself onto me after he had just been screaming at me and I tried to push him off of me, but he is stronger than I am) and once he slammed my head into his knee when we were in the car and bruised up my nose. 



Around June of last year, the physical abuse stopped. I pretty much stopped having my own opinion, I stopped trying to create a marriage where we treated eachother as equal partners. We still get into arguments, probably still about once a week, sometimes it is once every 2 weeks, but they arent nearly as bad. He doesnt cuss me up and down and wish me death like he used to, and he hasnt been physical with me. He does still scream and yell sometimes and he still has the worst temper I have ever seen. Although he isnt as harsh as he used to be, I still give in and try to fix it by admiting fault and being super loving so the argument stops.



Let me add this. My husband and I try to have a solid Christian marriage. I know his behavior is not Godly most of the times, but he does sincerely try with certain things. He doesn't watch pornography, he does show me a major amount of affection (when he is happy), and he is very loving. Because of this though, a lot of our arguments are because he says I am not "submissive" like a Christian wife should be or I don't respect him like I should. He gets mad at me if I act goofy or silly, or if I suggest doing something I like (he got mad at me for asking if we could go to a NASCAR race together because he HATES NASCAR). He felt it was stupid for me to ask to waste money on something like that, yet he will go out and spend $30 a week on liquor and beer. Most of the time, he is always "raining on my parade" by downing things I suggest doing or getting upset when I am dancing around trying to be happy. 



I am so lost on what is going on right now. Things have been going semi better for the past year, but, is this because I have changed and lost myself? I mean, I cant act like the silly, happy go lucky girl that I normally am, because he thinks I may be acting immature or it is stupid. Can an abuser change like he has, or do you think if I were to act like most people do and have an opinion (when I have a thought or opinion, I always talk about it respectfully) he would get mad like he used to be? He always tells me I need to voice my opinions respectfully, but when I do, he gets mad and yells at me. I love my husband dearly, but I don't feel the same way about him anymore because of all he has put me through..


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## EnjoliWoman

You got your answer on the general relationship thread. You have changed to accommodate him. I did this, too, and I lost myself. 15 years after I divorced and wish I hadn't invested so much time in that relationship. I do have our daughter but I hate that is the kid of father I gave her. He was diagnosed with severe narcissistic personality disorder. 

After the divorce I gradually opened back up to who I used to be. My family really noticed and said I was "back". His constant criticims and everything being fine as long as I catered to his ego is just like my situation although eventually, no matter how hard I tried, I screwed up. It was constant emotional, mental and eventually physical abuse. Toward the end it escalated to him pulling a gun on me to 'make a point' and spitting on me which was the most humiliating thing I have ever enduring and makes my blood boil to murderous levels just thinking about it.

He will not change; YOU changed to suit him. That is not how a truly loving relationship works. At 19 you should have been in college, not married to someone who will suck the life and your essence from you.

I suggest you file for divorce and document the abusive threats he makes by recording the skype conversations and get a restraining order. Also get yourself into counseling to find out why you have accepted this behavior so far. In my relationship dynamics my ex picked me because he saw I was easy going and malleable (at 20). I saw someone older and sophisticated and worldly and was in awe of him. Therefore we both contributed to how the relationship worked and he was able to bully me; subtly at first, outright after marriage.

Whether or not you are christian doesn't matter. He's not acting like one.


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## mablenc

Edited:
It's a cycle for some people who have abusive parents especially if the father abused the mother the young lady is attracts to that "type" of guy. He may not be abusive at first, actually they maybe quite charming. Once the abuse starts, it becomes a codependency. People cling to the nice memories such as the flowers after the black eye. Plus they know how to manipulate by telling them it's their fault or by saying they won't do it again. Then they are just too afraid to leave. They say a woman will return to her abuser 7 times before she can leave or she ends up dead.

Abusers prey and look for people with low self esteem, because of the low self esteem they may feel they are lucky to be loved.

Best thing you can do is teach your daughter never to allow anyone to hurt her physically or emotionally. Help her build her self esteem so that she values herself enough to leave a bad situation. Also teach her to be independent this is also what ties a woman up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

In my case it was self esteem and stubbornness. My parents are great - they don't yell, communicate well - still married 51 years later. They were the perfect examples of parents. My esteem issues were my own. But when I decided it was over, I left and never looked back. But I thought about it years and years before I did it.


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## mablenc

EnjoliWoman said:


> In my case it was self esteem and stubbornness. My parents are great - they don't yell, communicate well - still married 51 years later. They were the perfect examples of parents. My esteem issues were my own. But when I decided it was over, I left and never looked back. But I thought about it years and years before I did it.


Sorry it's hard to type on a phone, that's one of the reasons, but self esteem is so another reason. I hope I did not offend you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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