# Can we be saved?



## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

my husband and i have been together for 6 plus years, married for four of those years. i battle depression and have been very mean to him in the past and thought pushing him away was the answer. Like a great husband he stood by me. Well last month we had a minor disagreement through text messaging and he informed me he was leaving. This is his family's house and we have a four year old together, and he has opted to let me stay in the house. That night he left he started talking with a girl younger than me and basically like me just me four years ago. When i ask him if she is what he wants he says i do not know. This girl knows he is married and has no problem being the other woman. Or known for breaking up our marriage. His family thinks what he is doing is wrong and thinks he is being dumb. Since he leaving i have vowed to not go back to my depression and have taken the proper steps to stop the cycle of depression. I have taken the steps and feel i am heading in a positive light. I have also made the changes that were an issue in our marriage and am more than willing to prove actions speak louder than words. I have tons of support and he feels he has none. Our friends hope that we work out and I feel in my heart of hearts we will. I know my husband and he cannot be pushed either way, but he gave me the love not in love with you speech but when i mentioned i was havin cofee with a male friend, he freaked out. Was angry and he always wants to know what i am doing. It is like he knows my life before I do. Lately it seems he trys to pick fights about stuff, and he has said that i always say i am going to change but never do. this time i am for real and feel this girl is just a crutch bc he had to ask our friends if he should leave. I also know he is afraid to be alone, he is a great man and we do not show this in front of our son. He hears about stuff even if I have not told anyone. Then questions me on it. Am I wrong to feel we will work it out. He has told me that he can't come to our home because he feels like I cry each time but I do not. He also insists on giving me hugs everytime, even if I do not ask for them. Any advice on this. I will not give up my marriage and i feel my husband is afraid to come back thinking stuff will not change. I have spent a lot of time thinking if he is what i want and I have realized he is.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well it sounds like you have made up your mind what you want, now for the tough part of achieving it. You will have to prove to your husband that what he preceives as "putting up with" is a done deal. Depression wears on people, even if it is someone we love. But in many ways I see some positive signs.

1) He always hugs you. Often the act of a hug, is like love in touch form.

2) He was jealous of you being with a guy, although this might show signs of a bad personality trait. Although it shows that he wants both options open to him.

I think it is important to see where your husband is. Have you thought about counciling?

draconis


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I feel for u! ((((Hugs))))Have you had any treatment or counseling for the depression? I was also diagnosed as having mild ppd after our twins were born. I can totally understand how it would wear down on your marriage. Once my DH even said that if not for the kids he would leave...........

I cant quiet understand how serious is your husband but like draconis mentioned there are positive signs, talk to him and even before that show him that u have changed!


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

Well, he is very confused. I asked him if this girl is what he wants and he still says how the heck should I know. I told him today I am not giving him a seperation or a divorce. He was upset and still says he thinks i cannot change. So I am thinking that he is very afraid that I am not going to change.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you asked him to give you time?

draconis


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

I have and the downfall is that he said if I ever left or cheated we would be over. This man has also said one of us better be dead before we get a divorce.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

What people say is often very different to what they feel when it comes to the real situation though.

It sounds as if your husband needs time to recognise the steps that you've taken. Just keep the lines of communication open and show him what steps you have taken. i don't know what else you can do. 

will he attend counselling sessions with you?


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Okay... first... Draconis is quite possibly one of the wisest men here on these boards, when he asks a question to you, more often than not he is asking you to answer that question to yourself. 

Now for my input.

You've made up your mind. That is good. Now, you've got to get your husband to see that if you guys split, it is all because he wanted that. His carse of actions are going to be the actions that decide your marriage. Now, a question for you... can you forgive him if he cheated on you? Sounds like he is having an afffair with this woman to me, even though you haven't actually come out and said that. If you can, thats even better. Can he forgive himself? And more importantly... the biggest problem is that he is in love with both of you, and that is what is making things so wishy washy for him. You said this girl is a lot like you were 4 years ago... is that physically or personality-wise? If its physical... heh, let him take her thier a match for each other. Love isn't about being attracted to someone else, although that is a part of it. Love is more about the willingness to comprimise when you face problems... such as this one. 

Bottom line and my biggest point of advice.... if he can't make up his mind, make it up for him. Leave him if you must, however only as a last resort. Insure you file for the divorce citing adultury as the reason. Reason I say only leave him as a last resort is because marriage is a once in a lifetime thing, and not something you walk away from if you don't like it. However, if he is going to emotionally abuse you... you have no choice.


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

I can forgive him and this girl is me now physically and me personality right now. Just four years younger. I want to work through this and when we are together it feels as if we are back in our happier times. I feel we will work out but now it is kind of his decision, and this is one i do not want to rush. I want him to come back on his own.


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