# This last year has been HELL



## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

I will try to be brief as I know these can get lengthy lol. I'm 31, she is 30.

Married 9 years, two children ages 6 and 4. So man where do I start? Basically this last year has been an emotional roller coaster of hell. It actually started almost exactly a year ago. I was working nights, I would come home and sleep in my sons bed to get some actual rest. Well unbeknownst to me this was a problem with my wife and she started seeing an older guy, OLDER for us like mid 50's. 

Short lived I think because I bust her on it, they spent the night in a hotel together (supposedly no sex, she was on her period lol) but OK. She's very apologetic, freaking out etc so OK I try to work through this. I'm mentally good at this point make it through the holidays etc. Now we are in March? I go to wal mart with my son. He says "this is where mommy met her old friend". So I'm like wtf? She and I are pretty good at this point. Welp, she met her ex drug dealer boyfriend in the parking lot with our kids. Again I finally bust her on this, apologetic let it go. 

Also at this point I find out she let our mortgage lapse a month, she's terrible with money but I let this go too. So I tell her almost daily listen I need something from you to make this work, affection/caring just SOMETHING. Almost daily I try to do things for about a month and I get nothing from her, literally nothing. One day I finally get fed up and was just like screw it I'm done. This was April, so not typically of me but I message a girl I knew from just various business I do. 

We go out almost immediately and HIT IT OFF GREAT. Convo/attraction just everything. She knows the deal but is under the premise I'm getting a divorce. We see each other sparingly but convo daily. This goes back and forth through the summer. At one point in July my wife and I are "working on things". I'm hanging with the kids playing, I stand up to see her back out of a convo super quick. She of course will not show me and this leads to the downfall. 

She moves out, girl and I get hot and heavy and basically I think we both fall in love with each other. So this goes on until September, the girl had her own issues to deal with and obviously doesn't trust my situation so we just kind of end it. Wife moves back in end of September and we are working on it AGAIN. So her bday is the end of October, I get her tons of things for her birthday, take her out to eat etc but end up having to work her actual birthday. So, she tells me she's just hanging out with her mom on this day. 

Come to find out she went to an NBA game with "her gf from work". I of course am pissed and just tired of the lieing. So here we are. I think I'm genuinely in love with someone else, my wife who I used to be madly in love with even up until a couple months ago I think I Dont even care for anymore. So what do I do? Do I try this for the kids? Do I see if feelings come back? Or do I purse this other girl who I feel strongly about? This is a mess and I am sorry but I am truly so lost right now.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

OKay. You posted all this many months ago, and it is still going on? 
You have done a long series of unwise things. And you know this. 
Get a grip and stop doing things that are obviously bad ideas. 

I would advise forget all about the other girl you think you are in love with.
That is just another bad idea, a knee jerk reaction to what is going on in your marriage. 

As to whether your wife is worth keeping, I can't say, but stay clear of any other women unless and until you've been legally separated and living apart for a good while, like a year or two.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A funny thing this....

When your wife lowered her boundaries she lowered yours' too.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> A funny thing this....
> 
> When your wife lowered her boundaries she lowered yours' too.


 I'm not sure really what that means lol


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Bottom line, you and your wife lie and cheat. Boredom, revenge, frustration, poor financial decisions are not good excuses.

Do you wish to be married to her and her to you--for yourselves, NOT ever for the children? If not, then divorce, but do not rebound into another relationship.

Fix yourself--you can't fix her. Set a good example for your kids.......


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > A funny thing this....
> ...


It means neither of you have any moral high ground. You're both cheaters.

I feel sorry for your kids.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> wesleyz1689389 said:
> 
> 
> > SunCMars said:
> ...


 😂😂😂 after dealing with 10 years of this IM SORRY I finally started looking for something else. I work out of town, the opportunity to cheat is very easy lol


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Bottom line, you and your wife lie and cheat. Boredom, revenge, frustration, poor financial decisions are not good excuses.
> 
> Do you wish to be married to her and her to you--for yourselves, NOT ever for the children? If not, then divorce, but do not rebound into another relationship.
> 
> Fix yourself--you can't fix her. Set a good example for your kids.......


 im not sure what I need to fix other than someone who isn't on my team? You tell me


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> 😂😂😂 after dealing with 10 years of this IM SORRY I finally started looking for something else. I work out of town, the opportunity to cheat is very easy lol


This suggests you want out of your marriage. If so, divorce first, before starting a new life. Work on making good decisions. Be in charge of your financial management. Be the kind of father, your kids will go to and admire. Be warm and loving in relationship with your kids.

Look up limerence and read about what you may or may not be feeling in new gf.

Take care of yourself--eat right, exercise, healthy habits. Drink only in moderation. Do you have church, friends or family who will support you?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well OP the guys that your wife have been banging are in your team, aren't they? 

You seem to be OK with it since you keep going back with her. Obviously, nether of you have self respect, or respect each other. I only pity your kids.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Well OP the guys that your wife have been banging are in your team, aren't they?
> 
> You seem to be OK with it since you keep going back with her. Obviously, nether of you have self respect, or respect each other. I only pity your kids.


 Dont have factual proof but common sense would lean towards she is. Why do you think I'm staying in the relationship? For the kids there genius.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> wesleyz1689389 said:
> 
> 
> > 😂😂😂 after dealing with 10 years of this IM SORRY I finally started looking for something else. I work out of town, the opportunity to cheat is very easy lol
> ...


 thank you for actually giving positive advice instead of rude sarcastic comments like a majority of the others who lead model lives apparently. No I have no family support, broken home growing up, moved every two years, Dont really know my family etc. I know my dad (useless) and my mom is great but I never had a relationship with her but I do talk on the phone often. I Dont drink at all, I excersie regularly and am in very good shape. I consider myself religious but this has broke my faith basically. We were active in church when she first started all of this. As far as parent that is the most important thing I can do in my life, I am very active and do considerably more with them than she does.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@wesleyz1689389 said"Why do you think I'm staying in the relationship? For the kids there genius"

It doesn't take a "genius" to know that staying for the kids is one of the oldest, weakest, lack of courage, and manhood excuses that men use to stay. It is much better for the kids to have two separate loving parents/homes, than having to live their life at such an early time of their life with the type of drama that both of you are giving them already.

Do you think that kids are stupid? That they don't rationalize what's going on between their parents.

If you for one moment think that staying for the kids it's doing them a big favor, I have to tell you: you are WRONG. Everyone knows that genius.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> @wesleyz1689389 said"Why do you think I'm staying in the relationship? For the kids there genius"
> 
> It doesn't take a "genius" to know that staying for the kids is one of the oldest, weakest, lack of courage, and manhood excuses that men use to stay. It is much better for the kids to have two separate loving parents/homes, than having to live their life at such an early time of their life with the type of drama that both of you are giving them already.
> 
> ...


 I grew up with lots of mommies and it did wonders for me 😃


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

End both relationships, take some time off think about what you want your life to look like and who you want to be and start over.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> I grew up with lots of mommies and it did wonders for me 😃


 You mean like cheating on your cheating, drug dealer meeting wife?
Yeah, a stellar example both of you are setting for your kids. 
Do the right thing and divorce her and move on the right way.
Your kids will fare far better in two separate homes than one dysfunctional home.
Besides if your wife keeps making a habit of meeting drug dealers with her kids in tow you'd be able to get full custody anyway. Just give her enough rope and let her hang herself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What s the situation with your work? What do you mean when you work away? Few marriages can stand a long distance relationship. How long has this been going on?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If your wife is as useless as you say, then staying for your kids will never work. Might as well shut down that notion. Few relationships survive after infidelity, and only then when both spouses are working their butt off. You both sound like hot messes, but I can understand where you are coming from since she stepped out on you first. Revenge feels good, right? Whatever the case, I think the wise move is ending both relationships. Take a little time away from relationships completely until you are ready. Or atleast until the divorce is final.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> What s the situation with your work? What do you mean when you work away? Few marriages can stand a long distance relationship. How long has this been going on?


 I will go out of town for about 2 days, be back for 1 day, repeat etc. This schedule on and off for half the marriage. Mainly because I make more money doing this and often times have to cover unexpected finances.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If your wife is as useless as you say, then staying for your kids will never work. Might as well shut down that notion. Few relationships survive after infidelity, and only then when both spouses are working their butt off. You both sound like hot messes, but I can understand where you are coming from since she stepped out on you first. Revenge feels good, right? Whatever the case, I think the wise move is ending both relationships. Take a little time away from relationships completely until you are ready. Or atleast until the divorce is final.


 It's weird because literally at the first part of the marriage I was going to annul it and she begged and pleaded so of course I caved in. She was decent for about 6 years then I recently moved her back home (not my growing up area), and it just went to ****. I started seeing someone else I guess because the ship was sinking and I was looking for another lol. I'm not currently seeing this other girl but I'm trying to give my wife a chance. I thought maybe I could get over it but I Dont think I can mentally recover this time. I Dont even look at her the same anymore. Its almost like she's just some person now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> It's weird because literally at the first part of the marriage I was going to annul it and she begged and pleaded so of course I caved in. She was decent for about 6 years then I recently moved her back home (not my growing up area), and it just went to ****. I started seeing someone else I guess because the ship was sinking and I was looking for another lol. I'm not currently seeing this other girl but I'm trying to give my wife a chance. I thought maybe I could get over it but I Dont think I can mentally recover this time. I Dont even look at her the same anymore. Its almost like she's just some person now.


Some people will never be marriage material. Heaven help you if you marry them, but God help you if you stay with them. 

Your last two sentences say you are healthy and know what to do. Your entire happiness is not tied to this women. There is a great big life out there for you. Move on, heal, maybe work on yourself and live your life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> im not sure what I need to fix other than someone who isn't on my team? You tell me


Your wife cheats and your response is to get some action elsewhere? That is a stupid move. You are the leader of your family, you have to man up and do the right thing

1. Wife, must go no contact with the guy, one more text, anything it is divorce papers. She must write a no contact letter
2. See a lawyer to see your options
3. Expose your wife's shenanigans with the 50+ man to family and friends
4. Expose the OM to his wife/girlfriend, that should keep him occupied
5. You decide if you want to remain married or divorce. If the latter then get a GF AFTER that
6. You CANNOT work on a marriage with your wife if you are also cheating duh!

If this is the way you handle family and married life I am not surprised you are in the mess you are in. Take charge and do the right thing !


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> It's weird because literally at the f*irst part of the marriage I was going to annul it* and she *begged and pleaded *so of course I caved in. She was decent for about 6 years then I recently moved her back home (not my growing up area), and it just went to ****. *I started seeing someone else I guess because the ship was sinking* and I was looking for another *lol*. I'm not currently seeing this other girl but I'm trying to give my wife a chance. I thought maybe I could get over it but I Dont think I can mentally recover this time. I Dont even look at her the same anymore. Its almost like she's just some person now.


I suspect if we were to hear your wife's version of reality in your home, it would be very different. You obviously treat your wife as an option not as your actual one and only partner. No spouse can live that way. It does not justify her cheating but I am sure your behaviour is a huge contributing factor in the current set of circumstances.
Why were you going to anul the marriage? Why? I bet you held that over her head till she did XYZ? 
I bet you have cheated before, you casually mention you started seeing someone else, who does that when they are married. You are really dumb to think a marriage can be fixed or worked on when there is a third or 4th party involved. I guess it is OK for you to be a bully but not for her to play the field,? I bet she doesn't look at you the same way either!

You paint yourself to be the victim but just from the way you write, I can tell this is only half of the crap you pull.
Sounds like you are both playing games, the only people to suffer will be the kids. All very mature indeed. If you become a decent man then maybe things might change, but as it stands looks like you both deserve each other.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

aine said:


> wesleyz1689389 said:
> 
> 
> > It's weird because literally at the f*irst part of the marriage I was going to annul it* and she *begged and pleaded *so of course I caved in. She was decent for about 6 years then I recently moved her back home (not my growing up area), and it just went to ****. *I started seeing someone else I guess because the ship was sinking* and I was looking for another *lol*. I'm not currently seeing this other girl but I'm trying to give my wife a chance. I thought maybe I could get over it but I Dont think I can mentally recover this time. I Dont even look at her the same anymore. Its almost like she's just some person now.
> ...


 This will be last post here as really a majority of the people on here are judgmental AF and give no actual advice as to fixing the situation lol. I was going to annul the divorce being that I found out she was going and partieing with random dudes right after we got married. I starting seeing some else this year, after I found out about the second person she was contacting within a short span of time. I found out about him from my son BTW who is 5. Apparently your dog avatar writing self didn't read the original post but none the less I will cut you in. I font do anything other than go to work, go to the gym come home and hang with the family. There has not been other women throughout the course of the 10 years until recently. Where as there has been some kind of male figure almost throughout the majority as far as I can see. The best I can figure is some people don't want to be married. They think they do but then they are and have kids then start freaking out because its not exciting anymore. Some women like being married and some like the hard **** talking to them as they walk by. I think she is the latter and I just didn't know it until I was too far in. Anyways thanks for your sound advice, I'm sure you are doing swell in your relationship lol.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I think for most couples it is nearly impossible to come back from a double infidelity. The trust is gone. It doesn’t really sound like you have the fight left in you to attempt to make this work. I totally get where you are coming from regarding the kids, and if this had a decent chance of surviving, then I would be a lot more positive, encouraging you both to try. The amount of work it would take (and for it to be for someone like your wife, that it sounds like has been possibly cheating your entire marriage), seems like a huge waste of time and effort.

During this time apart from your AP, have you kept in touch via text or phone/email? 

I am truly sorry that your family is in such upheaval. I hope you can find the peace you are looking for.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@wesleyz1689389, I really think you just need to divorce this woman -- if she has been cheating this much, what marriage do(did?) you really have? It's too bad you CAN'T annul this.

As for the woman you were seeing, you need to be fair to HER also -- she won't really get all of you until you get rid of all of your marriage.

See a lawyer to find out your rights, get your finances in order, expose what your wife is doing especially to the OM's spouse/gf(and yes, you may have to fess up to what YOU did also), and get YOUR **** together before pursuing the woman you like. You should explain this to her so that SHE can make her own decisions about if she will wait for you.

Best of luck with you getting this resolved.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> @wesleyz1689389, I really think you just need to divorce this woman -- if she has been cheating this much, what marriage do(did?) you really have? It's too bad you CAN'T annul this.
> 
> As for the woman you were seeing, you need to be fair to HER also -- she won't really get all of you until you get rid of all of your marriage.
> 
> ...


 thank you for the advice. Yes I agree I think that often, I think I just tried to make her something she wasn't and that was very stupid of me to do. She has shown me on a few different occasions she is more comfortable being the "other woman" and I've confronted her about that and it seems to not bother her at all which blows my mind lol. I agree with the about the comments about the other girl as well, seeing her was not a revenge thing at all, it was just a random knee jerk thing and we hit it off which caught me off guard. This all started roughly right about a year ago, I see the Facebook memory things and I thought we were happy, we were on vacation together and things seemed good. I guess I was wrong lol. So things are fine between us right now but I wonder how many more times I let someone make me look dumb for the sake of my children. I wanted to commit to a family unit because I never had that growing up but it seems almost impossible to actually succeed at it now.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Yup, time to hang it up...If ANY relationship results in lowering yourself to the "cheating" status, get out. Have some self respect. Remember your kids will know this when they get older. 

Your WW is just a taker and likes being taken care of. Actual love? Probably not. She is emotionally disturbed to say the least. The back and forth again attitude, and then finding a Beau that is your parents age...Speaks of daddy issues. F-that! Move along and co-parent the kids to be healthy and loving individuals. 


As for your love life...You are looking at marriage or relationships with rose colored glasses with a hint of "Leave it To Beaver" thrown in for good measure. Spend some time trying to see WHAT YOU REALLY WANT in life and make sure that you can objectively achieve these goals with another from the fairer sex....Take your time.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Yup, time to hang it up...If ANY relationship results in lowering yourself to the "cheating" status, get out. Have some self respect. Remember your kids will know this when they get older.
> 
> Your WW is just a taker and likes being taken care of. Actual love? Probably not. She is emotionally disturbed to say the least. The back and forth again attitude, and then finding a Beau that is your parents age...Speaks of daddy issues. F-that! Move along and co-parent the kids to be healthy and loving individuals.
> 
> ...


 THIS. Thank you lol. Her dad left when she was 15 and they have no relationship so I've thought the exact same thing. Also the not being able to love, I agree with that too. I think she just wants a place to stay basically. Any kind of affection in the 10 years has to be initiated by me and its old. She will text or say I love you, but as far as an actual action or in person its non existent.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> This will be last post here as really a majority of the people on here are judgmental AF and give no actual advice as to fixing the situation lol. I was going to annul the divorce being that I found out she was going and partieing with random dudes right after we got married. I starting seeing some else this year, after I found out about the second person she was contacting within a short span of time. I found out about him from my son BTW who is 5. Apparently your dog avatar writing self didn't read the original post but none the less I will cut you in. I font do anything other than go to work, go to the gym come home and hang with the family. There has not been other women throughout the course of the 10 years until recently. Where as there has been some kind of male figure almost throughout the majority as far as I can see. The best I can figure is some people don't want to be married. They think they do but then they are and have kids then start freaking out because its not exciting anymore. Some women like being married and some like the hard **** talking to them as they walk by. I think she is the latter and I just didn't know it until I was too far in. Anyways thanks for your sound advice, I'm sure you are doing swell in your relationship lol.


Thank you for the clarification, no need to be antsy. I think it is clear she is not marriage material. Perhaps you can get custody of the kids?
What male figure did you see throughout, what is the evidence, have you any or just suspicions? Is a five year old reliable? Is there an explanation?

Go see a lawyer, looks like there is no way of fixing this. Changing people you cannot do if they do not want to change. You can only change yourself and how you react to your circumstances.
I stand by you not stepping out on your marriage just because she is doing so, that makes no sense, have more respect for yourself at least, you are still married.
Work to get your ducks in a row, financially, legally and start detaching asap. Do the 180 on her, if you need to go and get an IC for yourself so you can be the best man and best father you can be and become a great catch for the next decent woman that comes along.


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

aine said:


> wesleyz1689389 said:
> 
> 
> > This will be last post here as really a majority of the people on here are judgmental AF and give no actual advice as to fixing the situation lol. I was going to annul the divorce being that I found out she was going and partieing with random dudes right after we got married. I starting seeing some else this year, after I found out about the second person she was contacting within a short span of time. I found out about him from my son BTW who is 5. Apparently your dog avatar writing self didn't read the original post but none the less I will cut you in. I font do anything other than go to work, go to the gym come home and hang with the family. There has not been other women throughout the course of the 10 years until recently. Where as there has been some kind of male figure almost throughout the majority as far as I can see. The best I can figure is some people don't want to be married. They think they do but then they are and have kids then start freaking out because its not exciting anymore. Some women like being married and some like the hard **** talking to them as they walk by. I think she is the latter and I just didn't know it until I was too far in. Anyways thanks for your sound advice, I'm sure you are doing swell in your relationship lol.
> ...


 Sorry people have been rude on here lol. He is very smart and brought it up himself because we went to the same location. I grilled her about it and after about the 10th time she finally admitted it. I have detached financially as much I can in the last year. I'm just kind of waiting for something else to blow up at this point lol.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> Sorry people have been rude on here lol. He is very smart and brought it up himself because we went to the same location. I grilled her about it and after about the 10th time she finally admitted it. I have detached financially as much I can in the last year. I'm just kind of waiting for something else to blow up at this point lol.


I have not read all of this thread, most of it though. 

First off, you may want to DNA your kid, if no one has said that already. Just so you know, not that it will change your relationship with the child. 

But understand this. Yes some people may sound rude... you want to know why? 

Because you have been a fool for 10 years. You KNEW she was cheating and you continued to stay with her. How stupid and weak is that?????

From what you describe, she has been sleeping around on you the entire marriage. Your child is probably not even yours biologically. If the child is yours it is a miracle. 

Why have you allowed yourself to stay with such a woman? What is that about? 

Dude, you don't need to wait until something blows up, you need to file for divorce and get a new life, away from her. 

I mean, you get that, RIGHT?????


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

NO he doesn't get that!


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## wesleyz1689389 (Apr 9, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> NO he doesn't get that!


 This site is literally useless lol. Rob whatever guy is lucky enough to have you hold onto him tight.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

http://gph.is/XL8SdT


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It seems that you are the one holding into a guy. I have a lovely wife whom I have been her only one man ever.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

wesleyz1689389 said:


> This site is literally useless lol. Rob whatever guy is lucky enough to have you hold onto him tight.


Wesleyz, you need a 2X4, get your head out of your arse, see you life for what it is. The people on this site are giving you that reality check. You have stockholm syndrome as you do not want to see what your wife is really and what she has done to your marriage and family.
Get your ducks in a row, go see that lawyer and try and move on with custody of the kids.
You will never fix her


PS TAM is a fantastic site for those who want to listen to sage advice. I think you are not at that stage and probably never will be.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

See you in about two years Wesley when you come back and tell us we were right because your wife's behavure became even too intolerable for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sokillme said:


> See you in about two years Wesley when you come back and tell us we were right because your wife's behavure became even too intolerable for you.


We've all seen this scenario played out over and over and over again, ad nauseum.

Sadly, those who want to continue keeping their heads firmly buried in the sand because it's so nice and warm around their ears will often lash out and tell everyone on a message board that their advice sucks if they're not being told *what they want so badly to HEAR*. 

Then follows the swan song post from the OP about how they're leaving TAM and what a worthless, crap site it is and how everyone here is angry, bitter, lonely, divorced, sad, jaded, pitiful or desperate and *that's* why their advice sucks so bad - because the horrible lives they're living have tainted their ability to give fair and unbiased advice. 

But then, a few weeks, months or years later, they come back for a huge serving of humble pie when they have to admit that everyone had been pretty much correct in what they'd said, and now that they've seen the light, they need more advice.

We'll see you when you get back, Wesley. Good luck to you.


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