# Seeking some opinions on whats I'm dealing with.



## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

Kinda new here and have been reading around for a bit. I will try to sum this up the best I can.

Wife and I have been friends all through school, together for 8-9 years now and married for 6. She has a 12yo daughter.

For the most part things seem good, we have our ups and downs. But 6 months ago I had really felt she was pulling away, putting up walls, keeping herself very busy. I was already working on things to show her that I think what she does is good and showing her appreciation and praise in front of friends and family.

Well at the end of Nov. she went on a business trip to New Orleans. I had been telling her that place is evil, I had only worked there never out doing anything. Just before she had left she knew I was having a really hard time with work and all, being stressed to the max. She kinda left in an angry way, but the time she was down there she was out every night partying and drinking. (That's not us) She didn't tell me anything until she got back home. One night she was out at a club drinking apparently her boss there and they started dancing, I can only imagine how but I have never been to those places. So im sure there was some grinding. Maybe later walking down the street she thought she grabbed his hand. Then in the elevator she "thinks" she may have pulled him to her but then pushed him back away. She has said over and over nothing happened. Also one day she said she felt really sick and her boss brought her some med and she went to his room to take it and went to sleep on his bed and he left. She said he never came back before she left.

So that was their time in New Orleans. I had made a call to her boss and said a few words. I think a couple weeks after they had returned he asked her if she thought there was anything there because he felt something. Keep in mind he is married too.

So know we are trying to figure out what to do. She says she wont point fingers at him because she was part of it too. I think as a boss he should have more responsibilities. She really likes her job and what she does, but it just continues to eat at me knowing what happened and them still around each other. She has been thinking about finding a new job, but I told her she would only resent me even more by doing that.

I had also made a visit to his house and had a bit of a pushing when his wife came out so she find out what he was up to.

Any help and prayers would be much appreciated.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

If they didnt have sex, they wanted to and eventually they will. Nip it in the bud now. She needs to change jobs. Maybe you even talk to this boss, he has put himself in a bery precarious position being her boss. And i would talk to his wife.

Edit, i see you already let the wife know, missed the last part of your post. 


Others will be along to offer advice amd opinions soon....


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## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

Ya I have thought about maybe talking to her some more.

Another thing there were many times she lied to me saying she was in bed asleep and couldn't wake her co worker up. But she was down in the lobby with her boss.

When he asked about something being there she said she told him no and that she loves her husband and it was a mistake....

It has really taken a toll on me, like everything hit at once. I already have a difficult time with anxiety.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Im sorry to hear all of this, but i really think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Prepare yourself for anything.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

She lied to you and betrayed you and now you don't trust her, and rightly so. You're only hearing the things she's admitting to you. "Might have" grabbed his hand? "Might have" pulled him to her? Okay. So you will never be able to trust her on business trips again. Especially if she has to go with him. 

Counceling. Immediately!


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## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

Have you ever eaten something that made you sick on your stomach? You feel like you need to throw up and dread hanging your head over the toilet while you purge your system. But once it's done and all the impurities have been released, you finally begin a process of restoration.

My friend, we can become spiritually sick in the same way. Sometimes we carry things around inside us that keeps us spiritually nauseated and the only solution is to purge it completely. Only then do we begin the recovery.

This is just my opinion, but I sense that one or both of you needs to do this. Get it all out.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

My guess is she's been cheating on you with the boss for 6 months. (when she withdrew from you--that's a predictable script) For some reason she decided to tell you some things. It could be that the boss' wife found out about them and she's worried she'll tell you so she decided to tell you first. 

The chance that there's a lot more than what she told you is very likely. If I were you I'd quietly gather more evidence. Phone records, credit card bills, email, receipts, everything. Quietly. You don't want to think your wife would lie to you but she would and she likely is. Find out the truth.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife knows EXACTLY what happened and who intiated what. She's lying and there's a real good chance that this went way beyond what she is telling you. This is why you don't trust her.

After all this stuff, I'd ask your wife to take a polygraph especially in light of her story about spending the night in his room.

BTW, she should WANT to find another job and NOT resent you if she really wants the marriage!


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## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

Ya I started to go to a counselor again because exactly how I have been feeling. I could have never imagined her like that. She's always going to church and wanting me to, but I have been lacking due to anxiety issues.

She has always been open to counseling, but they usually turn to me needing to get anxiety under control


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## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

She said she didn't spend the night in his room, it was during the day she said she was only there for an hour, because she didn't want her co worker to know she was out all night and had a massive hangover


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Your wife knows EXACTLY what happened and who intiated what. She's lying and there's a real good chance that this went way beyond what she is telling you. This is why you don't trust her.
> 
> After all this stuff, I'd ask your wife to take a polygraph especially in light of her story about spending the night in his room.
> 
> BTW, she should WANT to find another job and NOT resent you if she really wants the marriage!


:iagree:

Sounds to me like she has been into her boss for a few months which is why her behavior toward you may have changed.


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## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

sheesh, here was a text from her earlier

I told you everything. I understand you are hurt. There is no more. It was not planned. There was no attraction and still is not. I didn't touch or kiss or really act in appropriately, except I drank too much and got myself into a confused state. There were things that could have happened as a result of too much alcohol and it didn't happen. Neither of us want to talk or think about it again. There is nothing there. I have a job bigger than myself and I have kids relying on me. I will only be at my job through this year so it's not long term. I like who you have been working to be but the truth is that you had hurt me so bad in the past that I'm not willing to throw my students and my professional career out the window on a whim that you are going to start treating me better.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

arcticblew said:


> sheesh, here was a text from her earlier
> 
> I told you everything. I understand you are hurt. There is no more. It was not planned. There was no attraction and still is not. I didn't touch or kiss or really act in appropriately, except I drank too much and got myself into a confused state. There were things that could have happened as a result of too much alcohol and it didn't happen. Neither of us want to talk or think about it again. There is nothing there. I have a job bigger than myself and I have kids relying on me. I will only be at my job through this year so it's not long term. I like who you have been working to be but the truth is that you had hurt me so bad in the past that I'm not willing to throw my students and my professional career out the window on a whim that you are going to start treating me better.


She was doing alright til she tried to gaslight and flip the script on you by bringing up past issues to take the attention off the current issue.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

The biggest thing I get from reading TAM posts is how dam manipulative people, in general, are! It really frightens me...


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph. See her reaction, that will tell you a lot. Schedule it anyways and go through with it.

Also stand your ground. Tell her that her A is to be dealt with first, any issues in your marriage come after that.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

arcticblew said:


> sheesh, here was a text from her earlier
> 
> I told you everything.*No, she didn't)* I understand you are hurt. There is no more. It was not planned. There was no attraction and still is not. I didn't touch or kiss or really act in appropriately *So if YOU spent an hour in a female's room behind locked doors, that would be OK? This was VERI inappropriate*, except I drank too much and got myself into a confused state. There were things that could have happened as a result of too much alcohol and it didn't happen. *Again, consuming that much alcohol in the presence of any other man IS inapproriate!* Neither of us want to talk or think about it again. *Is she talking about you or her boss? If she's talking about her boss, it means they've already has some talks about this! This IS inappropriate too! This sounds to me that they actually acted on their feelings but since they are both married, they regret it!* There is nothing there. I have a job bigger than myself and I have kids relying on me. I will only be at my job through this year so it's not long term. *Translation - I am choosing my job over you.*I like who you have been working to be but the truth is that you had hurt me so bad in the past that I'm not willing to throw my students and my professional career out the window on a whim that you are going to start treating me better.


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## barbiegirl (Aug 18, 2012)

Cubby said:


> My guess is she's been cheating on you with the boss for 6 months. (when she withdrew from you--that's a predictable script) For some reason she decided to tell you some things. It could be that the boss' wife found out about them and she's worried she'll tell you so she decided to tell you first.
> 
> The chance that there's a lot more than what she told you is very likely. If I were you I'd quietly gather more evidence. Phone records, credit card bills, email, receipts, everything. Quietly. You don't want to think your wife would lie to you but she would and she likely is. Find out the truth.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I believe that what this says is true! There is always her story..his story and then the truth


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

arcticblew said:


> She said she didn't spend the night in his room, it was during the day she said she was only there for an hour, because she didn't want her co worker to know she was out all night and had a massive hangover


 Earlier you said "Another thing there were many times she lied to me saying she was in bed asleep and couldn't wake her co worker up. But she was down in the lobby with her boss." If she did not want to wake the co worker, this means she shared a room with the co worker and thus her statement that "she didn't want her co worker to know she was out all night" is a lie since the co worker she shared a room with already knew. She also lied to you about her whereabouts as she partied with the boss. The only reason she told you anything is because she wanted to put her spin on things in case one of her co workers spilled the beans.

You have already caught her in lies and much of what she says does not make sense because they are also lies. Regardless of if they had intercourse or not, what she has already admitted to is that she had an all night date with her boss that included heavy drinking, dancing, and more, that resulted in the boss telling her that he believes that there was something there between them. When a married person goes on a date with someone other than their spouse, that is cheating. She flat out cheated even in the best case where you do not factor in the fact that her lies clearly indicate that more happened.

You need to call her on this. You need to call it cheating to her face and you need to tell her that she needs to change jobs now. Tell her that there is no way that it is acceptable for her to work for a boss that she went on a date with. You trusted her and she betrayed you. Tell her that by cheating she is the one that caused her to need to leave her job. She brought this on herself and must take responsibility for the consequences of her cheating. Do not let her pull the she will resent you trick, because you are the only one that has a right to be resentful since she is the one that cheated.

Her recent response to you shows that she is trying to blame shift. It also shows no remorse. If you do nothing now, you will regret it. She will know that she can cheat on you and that you will do nothing even when caught. She will take this as a green light to either begin or continue an affair with the boss.


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## arcticblew (Jan 7, 2013)

I'm sure everyone on this forum believes they are helping and clearly have been hurt in the same way or have had experience with this type of hurt. I appreciate you trying to help my husband and myself (I suppose), but what is missing in your posts is God and trust that all bad deeds will be brought to light. There are no holes in my story. There are issues in our marriage that have existed since the beginning. What I did was wrong. I was caught in the middle of my own depression and deception and I was confused. I have lived an honest life. This was the most horrific situation I have been in since I was 19 or 20. Many things could have evolved, but they didn't. There was plenty of opportunity, but no heart or desire for it. Arcticblew hasn't told you that I wrote a letter of resignation to be given to my boss on Friday the 4th, but he is so afraid I will resent him that we scheduled a meeting with our previous Pastor in order to get help in making this decision. Our pastor called on Sunday the 6th (the day of the scheduled meeting) and said he could not meet that day, so when I planned to just take the letter on Monday, again, Arcticblew and I both felt that we were still in prayer and didn't have an answer yet. I understand that being at my current position is hurting him. Your responses have most likely come from a place of your own hurt and doubt and they are not true to this situation. I told my husband EVERYTHING because I love, honor, and respect him and our marriage. I understand that my actions hurt, but they came from a place of my own pain and hurt from wounds that haven't been taken care of appropriately. As my husband already disclosed to you, he has severe anxiety and frankly, it has been number one in our marriage relationship for a long time. My actions were awful and not at all who I am and I accept full responsibility for them. All of your responses have created a complete state of confusion for my husband and I can see now why what felt like a step in the right direction for us would be unexpectedly thrown into reverse. he started using words and accusatory statements during this past week. He is vulnerable and confused. I am doing my best to help him and earn his trust. This is a point for our marriage to take the shape God has intended. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks about this situation, it comes down to my husband, myself, and God. I like what one person stated about "purging" for growth, etc. I am different. I am not dishonest, it about killed me to keep it from my husband for two days. I couldn't wait to come home and tell him the mess I got into and how badly I messed up, but at the same time I was so scared of hurting him and probably had some issues with pride when/if this exploded into stone throwing. I have been honest with my husband and honest with you. -Arcticblew's wyf (P.S. Prayer for my husband and myself would be more helpful than throwing stones and casting judgment)


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Mrs. Blew,

I am not a person that comes from the point of view you have a problem with. I have loved and been faithful to a woman who has loved and been faithful to me for over forty years.

I also don't have a problem as some might with your envoking God into this conversation. I'm not a religious man but yesterday I actually quoted scripture to another poster. It might be helpful for your situation. Look at Proverbs, Chapter 31 verses 10 and 30 and 31.

If your husband's post #3 is acurate then the biggest problem you two have is your lying to him about your whereabouts when you said you were in your room when you were dancing with your boss. It's tough enough to want to believe after you've been betrayed but your problem is bigger because you have to also throw your husband's anxieties into the mix.

Good luck to you and your husband,

Seasalt


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Let God help you in church. Over here, we will help with more worldly advice. Finally it is up to arctic to decide how he wants to save the marriage or dissolve it. And there are quite a few of us who are very objective in dealing with situations on their own merits. I can speak for myself, I am about 50:50 so far on recommending reconciliation vs. divorce.

Arctic, where are you? What's your opinion on what your wife wrote?


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

So, arctic blew wife:

Other than praying and writing a resignation letter that hasn't gone anywhere, what exactly are you doing to regain your husband's trust? All you have said so far is how bad you felt. Those thoughts are nice to know, but what have you DONE?

You don't need prayer to decide to give up a job that is essentially coming between you and your husband, one that is causing annd creating temptation to cheat, especially now that you know you are weak and unable to resist temptations.

Please do answer.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

arcticblew said:


> I'm sure everyone on this forum believes they are helping and clearly have been hurt in the same way or have had experience with this type of hurt. I appreciate you trying to help my husband and myself (I suppose), but what is missing in your posts is God and trust that all bad deeds will be brought to light. There are no holes in my story. There are issues in our marriage that have existed since the beginning. What I did was wrong. I was caught in the middle of my own depression and deception and I was confused. I have lived an honest life. This was the most horrific situation I have been in since I was 19 or 20. Many things could have evolved, but they didn't. There was plenty of opportunity, but no heart or desire for it. Arcticblew hasn't told you that I wrote a letter of resignation to be given to my boss on Friday the 4th, but he is so afraid I will resent him that we scheduled a meeting with our previous Pastor in order to get help in making this decision. Our pastor called on Sunday the 6th (the day of the scheduled meeting) and said he could not meet that day, so when I planned to just take the letter on Monday, again, Arcticblew and I both felt that we were still in prayer and didn't have an answer yet. I understand that being at my current position is hurting him. Your responses have most likely come from a place of your own hurt and doubt and they are not true to this situation. I told my husband EVERYTHING because I love, honor, and respect him and our marriage. I understand that my actions hurt, but they came from a place of my own pain and hurt from wounds that haven't been taken care of appropriately. As my husband already disclosed to you, he has severe anxiety and frankly, it has been number one in our marriage relationship for a long time. My actions were awful and not at all who I am and I accept full responsibility for them. All of your responses have created a complete state of confusion for my husband and I can see now why what felt like a step in the right direction for us would be unexpectedly thrown into reverse. he started using words and accusatory statements during this past week. He is vulnerable and confused. I am doing my best to help him and earn his trust. This is a point for our marriage to take the shape God has intended. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks about this situation, it comes down to my husband, myself, and God. I like what one person stated about "purging" for growth, etc. I am different. I am not dishonest, it about killed me to keep it from my husband for two days. I couldn't wait to come home and tell him the mess I got into and how badly I messed up, but at the same time I was so scared of hurting him and probably had some issues with pride when/if this exploded into stone throwing. I have been honest with my husband and honest with you. -Arcticblew's wyf (P.S. Prayer for my husband and myself would be more helpful than throwing stones and casting judgment)


MrsBlew, I am not judging by what I write here.

Plenty of Christians have affairs and lie about them. Just like Christians sometime drink too much though the Bible repeatedly forbids it....

So my advice to you is:

Accept that you have acted inappropriately and given your husband grounds for suspicion...though if you have come clean and continue to do so that is the right thing.

Work hard to rebuild trust.

Do move on from the job.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We have heard this story and many like it. You went out drinking and dancing with a married man. Thats more than just a date. You held hands and held each other. You were in his room. You lied about it.

We haven't done anything to your husband, but you sure have. Then you tried to blame it on him because of past problems. 

Unfortunately, everything you are doing comes from a well worn cheaters script. At this point the pnly thing you can do is volunteer for a polygraph test and pass it.

From experience on this site, the odds you are now, after lying, telling the truth is about 3 out of 100.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, we did not put your husband in his current state, you and the other man did. It will not get better unless you can accept that and repent. I am praying you do.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think the location (New Orleans) has anything to do with it. I agree with the poster who said she should try and transfer to a different department. That said, if she is looking for an affair, she will hook up with someone else or continue to see her boss. I agree with the suggestion about MC.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

To the OP's wife:

You have hurt your husband very badly. You should be proud that he came here to ask for advice on how to move forward rather than go straight to divorce or something equally drastic. It took a lot of courage for him to come here.

As a Christian, you know that God has already forgiven you for your transgression. Now you need to wait patiently for your husband to do so as well, then you can forgive yourself.

As to the good people on this website, show them some compassion for trying to help your husband. Don't try to censure us. Also, do not blame your husband's illness (anxiety) for your transgression.

OP - are you on medication for your anxiety.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

In my mind the answer is very simple: polygraph.

If you are right nothing happened he gets transparency but keeps his mouth shut otherwise. Give him time to forgive tho. If you had ANY PA (even oral or manual... even nudity). then you R or D. 

BTW. Props for resigning!!! The touristy parts of NO are a very bad place for married people.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mrs. Artic,

My short and sweet answer to this dilemma is that you submit for a polygraph as outlined by a few of the other posters here.

However, I did find some of the issues and stances in your post troubling. Here is what concerned me:

"Arcticblew hasn't told you that I wrote a letter of resignation to be given to my boss on Friday the 4th, but he is so afraid I will resent him that we scheduled a meeting with our previous Pastor in order to get help in making this decision."

Bravo on you putting the letter together with the intention of submitting it over a week ago. What is troubling is that if Artic is afraid that you'd resent him for it, you should have showed him he has no reason to fear this even if his fears are based solely on his anxiety problem. You should have taken him in your arms and told him that what you did was wrong and what you valued above a simple "job" was him and your marriage.

"As my husband already disclosed to you, he has severe anxiety and frankly, it has been number one in our marriage relationship for a long time"

Sorry but this statement comes off almost as a bit of justification for your actions. While you and Artic are responsible for the issues in your marriage, YOU are 100% responsible for stepping outside of the marriage. This is NOT artic's fault by any means!

Look, you're human. You got caught up in something that you shouldn't have let yourself be caught up in. Please don't hide behind religion and use it as a cloak to to hide your actions behind. God created us in his image but we all know we aren't perfect. Artic suffers from anxiety and the only way he'll truly have a chance to get past all of this long term is to be sure he has all the truth.

Volunteer for the polygraph and quit your job TODAY so he can put this issue behind him and the two of you can move forward and try and rebuild a new marriage on the ashes of your old one.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Definitely looks like his anxiety was warranted. Turns out he was right to be anxious. Maybe he has been picking up the right signals all along.

Really looks bad that he hasn't been able to post since his wife came and gave us a lecture. Poor arctic doesn't have a chance I'm guessing.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Yeah I kind of figured her post was the "Kiss my Azz" sign off but I felt compelled to post one more time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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