# insecurity...



## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

how do i deal with my husband's feelings of insecurity?
i tend to reassure him, tell him that he's the love of my life, the man for me, my very reason for happiness and that i wouldn't cheat on him coz i love him immensely.
but is that enough?
is there anything else that i can do to reassure my husband?
sometimes from his words, i feel like he's telling me that i'm more prone to cheating coz more men hit on me than women hit on him. basically, that's what he says, but not in those exact words.
like i said in another post, am settling down in a new job, or at least i hope i will be real soon (still have a few interviews to attend, fingers crossed for the best), and this is a new period of my life beginning for me. consequently, his feelings of insecurity are building. and i want to make sure that i deal with this correctly, instead of increasing his apprehensions.

would you guys have any advice on this matter?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Insecurity is universal. I am sure you have it and I know my wife has it just the same as I can admit I have it. What it really boils down to is how you deal with it and if you let it control and dictate you life and ruin a relationship.

Alot of this comes down to communication.

I.) Communication~ An Open line of communication can build a great relationship, keep it moving or repair it when there is damage to it. In my view there is nothing more important then being able to talk to your partner about every thing. By communicating I know my wife what she wants and what she expects. The lack of communication almost lost a great thing. The ability to communicate not only saved it but strengthened us.

A.) Listen~ A part of communication has to be the ability to listen. No one wants to spill their heart out if the other person isn’t listening or just paying lip service.

1.) Boundaries~ Listen to what your partner thinks as far as limits. Is hugging okay, how about dancing with someone else? Knowing where your boundaries are can keep you from having to repair a relationship.

B.) Acceptance~ You have to be able to accept what you are being told from your partner. Saying you do doesn’t help if you can’t or refuse to use the information.

C.) Sharing~ You must be willing to share the good and the bad of the day or even your dreams to communicate well.

D.) Conflict Resolution~ Use communication to solve your problems. Most arguments are not because people disagree but rather they can’t or will not compromise or they can’t understand what the other wants. Arguing is the worst form of talking because things not meant to be said are out of anger and most arguments would not happen if there was good communication.

It seems to me that your husband has a problem listening.

Have him physically sit down while you stand and take his hands into your and tell him how it is.

There are reasons behind this. With you above him it takes away from him and by holding his hands he can't just cross his arms in resentment. It gives you a psychological advantage and maybe able for him to "get it".

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

ok... i'll try these guidelines.

yes, i guess that's the problem... often when he listens to me, he TELLS ME that he's listening, but i can see his eyes scanning the whole room (like looking for something else to focus on) or sometimes he just says something completely out of context, which doesn't have anything to do with what i'm saying... and there are times when he laughs when i'm talking, so somehow disregarding or diminihshing the importance of my words.
so i become bitter and i go like 'let's just drop it' and it's only when i've reached that point that he starts pushing me to talk, but by then i'm just not in the mood anymore. but i compromise, thinking that he's going to listen now, and try again but there, once again his attention is everywhere except on me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you the best and tell me how things turn out.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> I wish you the best and tell me how things turn out.
> 
> draconis


thanks, i will.


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

Does your husband have a past reason for his insecurity issues? I know mine had some bad past relationships and a bit of a self-esteem problem, so I sometimes have to reassure him. 

The eyes scanning the room or laughing sounds like nervousness to me. 

Draconis has some good advice. If your husband doesn't respond well, maybe it has something to do with old information he's carrying around with him.


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

evenow said:


> Does your husband have a past reason for his insecurity issues? I know mine had some bad past relationships and a bit of a self-esteem problem, so I sometimes have to reassure him.
> 
> The eyes scanning the room or laughing sounds like nervousness to me.
> 
> Draconis has some good advice. If your husband doesn't respond well, maybe it has something to do with old information he's carrying around with him.


well yes... his first girlfriend cheated on him. and his ex girlfriend was all but nice to him and used him in many ways (she was also older than him, so that might explain certain things too...).

what is it i can do about the 'old information' that he's carrying around with him? how can i make him see things, or rather see ME, in the light of who i really am and not through the lenses of his 'old information'?


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

fire_vogel said:


> what is it i can do about the 'old information' that he's carrying around with him? how can i make him see things, or rather see ME, in the light of who i really am and not through the lenses of his 'old information'?


Unfortunately I'm still working on that too. I think this is one of those personal issues that a partner really can't fix. What I normally do is this: when I think he's using that old information, I call my husband out on it. I remind him of my faithfulness and my honesty with him. I also point out that although other people in the past have treated him differently, I am still here and willing to make the relationship work--but that I need trust, honesty and faithfulness in return. Rinse, repeat.

If he doesn't fully believe me, he still lets me know that he really appreciates hearing it.

Stay strong fire_vogel. You seem to be dealing with a lot right now.


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

evenow said:


> Unfortunately I'm still working on that too. I think this is one of those personal issues that a partner really can't fix. What I normally do is this: when I think he's using that old information, I call my husband out on it. I remind him of my faithfulness and my honesty with him. I also point out that although other people in the past have treated him differently, I am still here and willing to make the relationship work--but that I need trust, honesty and faithfulness in return. Rinse, repeat.
> 
> If he doesn't fully believe me, he still lets me know that he really appreciates hearing it.
> 
> Stay strong fire_vogel. You seem to be dealing with a lot right now.


evenow, thanks for the words of advice. it helps knowing that there's someone there willing to help.
ok, i tend to do the same, sometimes tell him that he's reacting to me like i'm someone he hardly knows when in fact he's in the best position to know that i'm loyal and faithful and love him more than anything. more often than not, it works and last time it happened, he even apologised for being so suspicious and doubtful.
i hope with time he'll learn to see that i'm not out to hurt him, just out for our happiness.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

fire_vogel said:


> well yes... his first girlfriend cheated on him. and his ex girlfriend was all but nice to him and used him in many ways (she was also older than him, so that might explain certain things too...).
> 
> what is it i can do about the 'old information' that he's carrying around with him? how can i make him see things, or rather see ME, in the light of who i really am and not through the lenses of his 'old information'?


You may also point out that you have been hurt in the past to and that you don't judge him based on that.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

A different approach maybe be worthwhile, things seem to be dealt with on re-active rather pro-active basis. Maybe by showing him all good in your relationship he won't dwel on the past as much. Remind him why he is with you and why you "choose" to be with him...just a thought


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

thanks for the thought... which works 
to be honest, for the past week and a bit more, things have been real OK. no major issues and things which could have turned out to be a such were dealt with pretty efficiently. fingers crossed that things will keep on getting better.
the other reason why things might be improving might be coz our minds are so much on other aspects of our relationship right now, like the financial and material, also the emotional, but in a more balanced way.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Please keep us posted on what has worked.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

well... to be honest... i'm not too sure. i haven't exactly sat down and thought about it.
but things seem OK.
for the past week, and maybe a bit more, my husband and i haven't had a major fight, NOT A SINGLE ONE. we've just been very loving towards each other... he stopped being 'verbally aggressive', being more patient. and i tried being more tender and loving, also tried make more efforts towards our couple.
he's been working real hard lately, so am making lots of efforts to make things pretty easy for him so that he doesn't really feel the exhaustion. and he has been really appreciative and grateful for what i'm doing for him. and he SAYS it.
concrete examples would be;
usually housework is divided pretty much equally between the two of us. i'm not the kind of woman who believes that there's a particular role for the woman and same for the man. to me, it just doesn't work that way. he used to have a bit of that mindset before (due to diligent practice that his mother had given him, over all these years, she's just been hammering it into his head, unknowingly, that the woman's place is in the house... and at work too, but definitely in the house too...) but it changed after we got married. we do pretty much everything together, the cooking, the cleaning, the washing up, the laundry.
but like i said, he's been working overtime lots lately (business increasing due to Christmas approaching), and since i'm just looking for work and have more free time on my hands, i've been doing the cleaning and cooking and all, so when he comes back home, he can just sit down a bit and relax, have dinner and we can spend some quality time together. talking, discussing our lives, and other meaningful things.
and he SHOWS his gratitude and appreciation for what i'm doing out of understanding for his heavy work-schedule, and THAT feels SO good. it just makes it all worth it, like i did all this for the best reason in the world 

the issues i posted about were insecurity, manipulation from another woman and my in-laws (or family in general).
for now, his insecurities seem to be in control, manipulation is over with, i really do feel so. this patient and loving approach is working wonders.
the only problem pending is the in-law one... but i'll deal with that in due time.

it might be that i'm letting myself be carried in this moment of calm and quiet in our relationship, but i'd rather that than worry that this might just be a moment, and nothing more.

oh and, we're both ill, so i suppose we're both too weak to argue anyway... so... that might be another reason why there have been no fights, just the usual little lovers' sulking... and making up  LOL. i can be such an optimist yeah? lol


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is nice to hear that the two of you are working more as a team now and you are fighting less. Fighting causes strain and stress on a relationship. You have seemed to established the best relationship building block, communication. I wish you well.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I'm glad the situation with your husband is getting better. Working on the house together, sharing more. Things are looking up.


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

thanks guys... yep, things are definitely looking up. am just glad for the present and this positive attitude might brighten the future


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

update on the situation...

the insecurities are back. not in the same way as before.
previously his insecurities would be based on fears of me being unfaithful or stuff like that... but now it's slightly changed.
i've recently started a new job... and stress, tiredness, apprehension of a new environment and new people have made me slightly 'unapproachable'. last night he accused me of being stone-hearted and cold (this is in relation to another in-law issue...) and when i explain why i'm reacting the way i am, he just waives it off as excuses. he says that i'm growing distant... and asked me if that's the way i'm going to be now that i'm no more unemployed and have money coming in... that was quite hurtful. i've never been a materialistic person, like i said, i can live on live and fresh air... but he disregards all that and keeps nagging. for the past week i've been feeling very hurt and have been unable to communicate effectively and despite trying, i've only been rebuffed, so i prefer saying nothing.
it's difficult for me to bear the constant criticism... and the only reason i started working is because we are cutting it fine on his salary and he has exams round May, so he'll have to cut down on the hours he does.
as it is i'm finding it very hard to adapt with the new job, and now having to deal with this at home instead of being reassured.
i don't really know what to do.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Keep doing what you are doing. He is afraid that now you have money you are not required to him. That is to say you are not dependant on his money.

draconis


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> Keep doing what you are doing. He is afraid that now you have money you are not required to him. That is to say you are not dependant on his money.
> 
> draconis


ok.. and not being completely dependent on someone else is something very important to me. i need to be able to fend for my own self. it's sad that he can't seem to understand that.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

fire_vogel said:


> ok.. and not being completely dependent on someone else is something very important to me. i need to be able to fend for my own self. it's sad that he can't seem to understand that.


I went through the same thing when I was a stay at home before I started my store. I felt trapped that I had to ask for things I needed. Sort of being at someones mercy.

draconis


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