# What happened to us?????



## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I have been married for 19 years in May. My marriage the last 1-2 years has been dead. I swear everyday that my husband needs medication for his moods. No matter what the conversation is he always puts the blame on me. He's negative about everything no matter what it is. You could be talking about the weather and it could be georgous and he has to find something to ***** about. 
He is in his own business and no matter what happens it's my fault. He expects me to do everything for him, but is never pleased with what I do. I work a full time job and do things for his business at night. I do the books, the scheduling and whatever else needs to be done. The only thing he does is ***** at me. I can't have a conversation about his work with him because he feels that's all we talk about. I am sorry that I have to ask him certain questions before I schedule someone but then the rest of the night he complains. 
There is no love in our marriage he puts so much energy in being miserable that nothing else matters.
Our sex life is a joke, our communication is a joke. He just doesn't put any effort into anything. He is 42 and I am 39 and it's been about 2 months since we had sex. He beats me down with his misery I have no desire to sleep with him and he doesn't try either. We are like two 90 year olds when it comes to sex. When we do have sex he does his thing in 2 minutes and it's over so who wants to. I talked to him about this in the past and nothing helps. 
He comes home from work and gets in the recliner and sits there falls asleep, gets up to eat dinner and then gets back in the recliner. I go to bed and he comes at a later time. Our lives are so different and I know in my heart this marriage is dead, but I can't find it in me to leave. I am scared and alone. Sorry to babble but I can't talk to him about this. 
He will not go to counseling. I tried a while ago and I just can't find one that I like.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What do you want for an outcome? 
Do you want to put your energy into the relationship, or energy into yourself so that you can make a decision about the relationship?


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I really don't know what I want. I am confused. He is so negative that most days I want to run the other way and not look back. I have a 16 year old daughter and she is my main concern and I am scared for her too. It's a very tough decision. Some days I can just shake my head and move on and some days I can't.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Any idea how your husband would answer the same question if you were to ask him? 

I believe that the tipping point when a marriage starts to spiral downward, is when one or both partners lose respect for the other. 

My parents divorced when I was 15. It was about as ugly as ugly can get. I can tell you honestly, it's not something that you wish on anybody, but I actually got closer to both of my parents once they were no longer married. Prior to that, there was too much negativity to make either of them approachable.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Well Deejo it's funny that you ask what he would say because I've asked him and he of course blames me. Everything is my fault. I can't explain half of the situation and I don't want anybody to think oh she thinks she's an angel because I am not and don't claim to be. 
Let me try to explain what I am talking about how he is so negative and everything is such a big problem.
He installs carpet for a company and they have very strict rules of what they expect of you.
They want a sign on the lawn when you are there, they want you to wear a company shirt you and your helper, and they want you to put something under your van so they know nothing leaks on the customers driveway. Well an inspector showed up and he had none of the above and he was going to be written up. Well the woman inspector and I happen to have a very close working relationship and she said to me please rectify this and make sure it doesn't happen again and because I have always been so pleasant and our company is so well run she will look away this time.
Well when my husband came home that night he was in such a bad mood and I said to him. Listen your a great installer they would never have a bad thing to say about your work so what's the big deal to go the extra mile and do the other little things. Well that's all I had to say and he went on all night how horrible things are with them and he's a great installer and so on and so on and I kiss their as-- well I have to they pay my bills duh!!!! He is so insecure that he makes everything my fault and every body elses around him. 
It just seems that no matter what I say or how I say it it's a major ordeal and I just can't take it anymore and don't know how to handle it. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi there

I have been through a similar situation recently and my husband was the same - I could not do right for doing wrong. I also have a son and daughter and at the moment my daughter does not like her dad very much. He is always moaning constantly.

First of all how long has he been like this? Do you want it to continue? For me I decided no I do not want it to continue like this and at the end of November last year decided to give it six months and if no improvement I will be out of there with the kids. I know it will not be easy but will be worth it. I do not want a miserable life for the rest of my life. 

Once I made that choice I decided for my sake and my kids sake that I need to be strong and focused and this is working for me. 

it was really bad in january and we decided to give it one last go. He is trying but I can see old ways creeping back in slowly so not immediately noticeable. I sit at night in the livingroom and look at him and do not feel anything. We hardly talk as we have nothing to talk about. If he moans about something depending on what it is I do it or tell him he can do it himself if it bothers him that much. He moans about the house being untidy (never untidy) or me spending money. I hardly ever spend money. Do not buy myself new clothes etc as the kids come first.

you need to take one day at a time and try and stop thinking about it. Try and think about the positive side of things. Try and always be happy around him, I know it is hard but it might work in your favour if he sees that what he is doing is not bothering you as much. Get out of the house and do things for yourself and not him.

I am always the one to blame in my house, ie pizza burnt, carpet needing hoovered, marks ont he walls from the kids, my car was a real mess the other day from the snow and the kids etc but I had to hoover it not him. he is supposed to do the cars and me the house. I hoover around 3 times a week but that is not enough for him. i work full time and look after the kids and house but hey I do nothing and am lazy.

You have to be true to yourself if you want it to work and if you don't again that is your choice. do you think he will change? If he does will it only work for a short while? I am the same with my husband I have to do everything for him outside his work and am sick of it.

I personally think if you are posting here that things are bad but hope that what ever you decide you are happy. As i get told remember you do not have to put up with it.

thinking of you.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> I have been married for 19 years in May. My marriage the last 1-2 years has been dead. I swear everyday that my husband needs medication for his moods.


maybe it's as simple as that. wouldn't it be sad if you decided to pull the plug and he was biologically imbalanced? think about that. maybe he's sick.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I have told him and asked him to see a Dr. because I feel he needs medication and his exact words are I do not need medication I think you do. I swear to god no matter what I say to him it's always my fault. I can do something on Monday and by Tuesday it's the wrong thing to do. Last night he was happy and within 1 hour he was in a bad mood nobody said a thing and like 15 minutes later he's smiling again. I don't know what to do. It's not fair.


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## Hollybells (Feb 24, 2009)

sounds bi-polar to me. There is no way to force him to the doctor though...


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

I dont agree, i think some men are just born complainers, nothing makes them happy. I say this because i live with one like that. I dont think he is bi-polar or needs medications, he just has a hard time seeing the good things in life and what most "normal" people are happy with and have to deal with are a trail for my husband. He would rather not have to "work" at anything, has always had it taken care of before by someone (now done by me, and yes i resent it). if it takes any amount of emotional effort or conflicts he will run the other direction. sounds much like the problem you have with yours.

But i dont have an answer for this either. have been trying to find an answer myself. It is so hard to live with someone like that. Especially when you try so hard to live positively and happy, they find someway to bring you down. Currently i just ignore mine. doesnt solve the problem but at least i dont have to deal with it every day. he works, and i get his paycheck. Actually have a deadline on how much i can take, (4 years) before i divorce him, in the meantime i am paying as much off as i can and letting the children getting a little older before i distroy their world. Because apparently i am a h*ll of a lot stronger then i ever thought i was, and can handle and deal with a lot more sh*t then most people. Everyday makes me stronger. I swear i have more balls then he does and i am much more of a man then he will ever be. But my situation is not like yours, since you do his books and scheduling, you cant unfortuantly just ignore yours.

My advice to you, if counselling dont help, then really look at what you want out of the rest of your life and figure out where and if he plays a part in that. I know in my heart my husband will not change and will never be even close to the man i need him to be. But you should try everything, if not for the sake of the marriage, then for the sake of your own mentality. I cant call it quits till i exhausted every avenue in trying to fix it. For my own wellbeing and state of mind. Also, try to do things that make you happy, that you want for your child, with or without him. Schedule weekend activities in something you enjoy doing or would like to try doing. This is so you dont lose yourself while he is being so demanding on your actions. You need time for just you. or you and your daughter. i always ask mine if he wants to go, if he does fine, if not then fine. my children are my happiness, and i love doing anything with them, going to the park, riding bikes, hiking, whatever, i look for things we can do. that is my peace of mind, my joy, my reason for waking up another day. You need that also, not just feeling like he is s*cking your life force out daily. he will not replentish you, you will have to do it yourself. I know you are stressed from work, the house, then going home and doing the books, and making supper, etc. please, see to your own happiness and well being. by taking care of yourself, your daughter will grow strong, by making yourself happy, his b*tching will not harm you as much, untill you decide what and where you are going in life.

good luck


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## Kyle (Feb 26, 2009)

could be bi-polar but its hard to diagnose from the internet. 

he needs to see a councilor and change his thinking patterns. Hes thinking to negatively about the world and one negative thought leads to another and another and since your the closest person you get the brunt of it. 
Why is he so negative about the world? Could be many reasons. His job complaining about him not wearing a company shirt while CEO's of banks embezzle BILLIONS of dollars and the gov't gives tax dollars to bail them out. 
This isn't a rant - MANY PEOPLE THINK LIKE THIS! They look at the world as a whole and think 'whats the point?'. 


Contact some counseling services. They will ask if he is will willing to go to counseling and since he is not then they should know what to do.
If nothing can be done then just leave. Don't fight. Just pack the bags, leave a note and thats it. And hopefully it doesn't get much uglier than that.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I am just getting to the point where I feel like I totally hate him. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't ranting and raving about something. I just can't take it anymore. 
This is a prime example. Yesterday I went shopping with my daughter and we happened to have been looking to buy a computer. Well I called him to see how he felt about a laptop or buy a desktop. He was so kind and didn't care either way. Okay well tonight I was doing something on the laptop and he started carrying on how computers are a waste of money and why the hell did I need it and blah blah blah. Now yesterday fine with it today slaps me in the face. I work for a living I will buy myself a gift just thought I would ask him how he felt. 
Here's another problem. We havent' had sex in over 2 months and I care but don't care. I asked him this morning if he thought it was normal that 2 people our age not to have sex in 2 months his answer was you go to bed early and again all my fault. He never takes the blame or responsiblity for anything. 
Tonight he had to deal with the store that he works out of and got so stressed out over nonsense that I felt like crying and then he yells at me because I should have just handled it he can't take stress. I would like him to walk a day in my shoes. I am a Court Clerk and the get cursed at and screamed at everyday yes it's stressful but I make a living. 
I am actually sitting here typing this saying these people must think I am crazy just off my mind. I can't believe it either. 
I didn't marry this person. He wasn't always a genious and I had to tie his loose ends back then too but it's gotten so bad I just want to run and hide on a daily basis. I am trapped here because I can't financially live on my own and I would wreck my daughter. I never used to question how I felt, I would get angry with him but it would go away well it doesn't go away so easy anymore. 
It's always the same thing poor poor him. Everything is fine then within a minute he could blow and then 2 seconds later he is fine and I am by then ready to kill him because there was no need to go off the handle like he did.
Please tell me I am not crazy.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Slickplant,

From what you've described it sounds like maybe your husband's source of anger and pessimistic nature is from work. Sounds to me like a life way out of balance. All work and zero enjoyment out of life. I think a major lifestyle change may be needed.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hello again

I do not think you are crazy by any means. It will be surprising how many people are in the same situation but do not know how to get out.

I work in a law firm and ocassionally have client shout at me as well so I know what it is like getting it fromboth angles.

meantime you need to keep strong and be there for the children. Not sure what country you are in but keep a diary as the local authority may look on this as emotional abuse and might be able to house you. It is always something worth thinking about. I am sure your daughter would rather have a happy mum than one parent shouting at the other and the other shouting back or not standing up for themselves.

When he shouts just ignore him, do what you need to do ie go out in the house for a walk or something.

I am terrible as if my husband shouts at me about something not being done I now tell him to do it himself then. Also I am having friends round soon and he was not happy about that but told him it is my house as well. He was okay in the end.

good luck


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

He does not have a life of all work and no play. He gets up 8:00am and is home at 5:00 I mean there are some days he has to be later but hello that's life. 
He had a job where he was just as miserable. Being in your own business is not a walk in the park it takes responsibility and alot of it and yes you have stressful days but the least amount of stress he goes off. I can't take it anymore. I am a not a depressed person but for the last few weeks I am so down on myself like maybe it is me but how can it be all me. 
Listen to this. Several years ago he was in his own business and things didn't work out so he went to work for someone he hated it and went back in his own business. Well the other night he was yelling that he's in his own business because of me and it's my dream and whatever nonsense he said. Believe me I get up before 6:00am and get ready for work, I take my daughter to the bus which he has never done even when I am off he will never say honey stay in bed I will put her on the bus nope, I go to work and deal with criminals and all the garbage that I have at my job a nut works with me, I come home cook dinner and then after dinner I clean up then the fun begins going over paperwork for the business, scheduling and doing the books if I ask him to sit with me to go over something he gets all flustered and starts an arguement and carries on. I am telling the truth believe me none of this is made up. Last night he was again annoyed and at 9:30 I went to bed this morning he wants to talk to me like nothing happened. I am sorry I can't turn off my emotions like this. You piss me off and don't do anything to rectify the situation I am still pissed.


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

You don't deserve this!! He has major issues here. You need to try to get to counseling..take time for yourself to do this. Its not to be used as a crutch so you can put up with his --it, but to regain yourself and regroup. Even if its a place like I've gone to like women in transition(free) or a psychologist, (i went to both). You really should do something. And let the "books" go for the night (or 2). You need to get strong. And it does sound like hes a jekyl n hyde. You're going to burn out soon if you keep this up, and I believe it will start affecting your life in other areas (job, etc.), if it hasn't already. I ended up leaving my job because every time something went down at work, I couldn't handle it emotionally because I was so battered at home. My husband ended up resenting me for quitting. So it was a no win situation. Please take care of yourself and your child. Trust me, it's NOT worth it. God Bless.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Jekyl and hyde is the exact words I would use. I am beginning to not even want to look at him. 
I question myself do I love him. I loved the man I married, he wasn't like this at all. Yes I had to do everything back then too but we had some passion now we have no marriage, no sex and definately no life together. He never wants to do anything with us as a family has to do his own thing. He likes to race and he happens to be building a new car. So on the weekends I will ask if he wants to take a ride wherever and he will say no I am going to work on my car he never wants to go, but when I come home he never worked on the car.
I am looking to purchase a car for my daughter and I've asked him to come and look with me he's just not interested. 
He doesn't seem interested in anything but telling me everything is always my fault. It seems the only thing I really need him for is his wallet that is so sad. I am a very independant person except financially and it kills me to have to rely on him for that. If it wasn't for the money I really think I would pick up and leave. I am so sorry to feel this way. I mean don't you think I would want to be happy in my marriage? I know it's never going to be a story book romance but give me a break. 
No sex for 2 months, no love, nobody to tell me how much they care, nobody to share any responsibilty in raising my daughter, nobody to share anything. I said to him this morning when he was trying to be nice I said you know people stay with someone because they are in love or you'll hear them say boy the sex is great well I wouldn't know because we don't have any. Well again all my fault. I lose at everything.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I think that you gave the solution in the statement that "Our marriage is dead".

No, the solution is not to give up and move on. What has happened is that over the years, the two of you have grown apart. You are both miserable and nobody knows what to do about it.

Think about it in the case of two trees that originally came from the same seeds and grew together at the base. For a while, they were intertwined with one another. They were interesting to look at. Over time, though, they started to grow very differently. They grew apart from each other. Now, years later, they are sort of an eyesore, and at the least, one of them may fall on your house since it has grown so crooked. Better cut one of them down before it causes damage... Or not...

Marriages are really not so different. We begin almost as one. We are so in to the other that we are practically inseparable. A little time marches on and we get to a "normal" life. We have settled down. The courtship has ended and life begins to become "regular". We have now started to "Grow apart". because like the trees, remember how interesting they were and how much we liked to see them in the beginning... BEFORE they became a problem.

Sponge Bob has an episode out about him aspiring to become "normal". In this episode, he aspires to be just like anyone else who doesn't stand out. He has a house that looks like every other house on the block, only has small "Drone-like" conversations with others and dresses in every day nothing exciting clothes.

Even if you do NOT watch Sponge Bob, you certainly understand the concept of "normal people" as a stereotype. Mindless drones who just do what is expected of them. What kid ever said "I want to be a mindless drone and blend in with the masses when I grow up"? Was that your dream? What about your spouse? I am guessing not.

Marriages, like Cheetos become stale and undesirable over time. We get into a "normal" routine. Eventually, we feel miserable and bored. We start to get the idea that we are no longer "in love" or that we no longer love our spouse.

In many cases, these feelings lead to other things that can drive the marriage further down the tubes - Infidelity being the most popular, but there are other issues as well: Substance abuse, excessive time spent with friends, video games, computer/Internet, pouring oneself into work, church, or other activities. 

It is important at this time to understand that we tend to attempt to replace what is missing in our marriage with other things without realizing that this is what we are doing. Nobody starts their marriage out saying "I think I want to work late so I don't have to go home and listen to the pissing and moaning from my wife." It NEVER starts off that way, but eventually, once the fun and adventure is stripped away, then things begin to decline.

I have read on this board countless times, someone saying "I don't have any feelings for him/her anymore, and I don't think I can ever feel that way for him/her again."

What a LOAD! Love is an emotion. Love is neither truth, nor is it based on truth. It is a feeling that is based on many other variables which can come and go. "Love" is a romantic and humanized word for "Want". You can interchange these two words in almost EVERY situation and it means the same thing either way.

Ok, so think of love as the leaves on a tree. When the cold winter months come along, the leaves turn brown and fall to the earth. In the springtime, new life begins and the leaves come out and grow right back on the tree. Take away a variable that gives hem survival and they "die"... sort of. Give that variable back and they come right back from the dead, which means that they don't really "die"... they just hibernate... Marriages can also hibernate.

Love is no different. Maybe your relationship has been suffering the coldness of winter. What is needed is sunlight, warmth and nice breezes to get those leaves to grow back from your heart.

Now here's the kicker... One of you or the other is going to have to initiate the "springtime" in your relationship. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it will probably have to be you (since YOU are the one who is asking for help in a forum - Clearly you are interested in fixing things).

First off, I want you to go to Mort Fertel's website. Don't buy anything right out of the gate... Just sign up for his free newsletters. They are helpful in the extreme, and will give you more than enough to get started. mort has a great way of helping couples when only one of them is a willing participant.

Later, if you feel compelled, buy one of his programs (although I would HIGHLY recommend them in print, rather than the CDs because he DRONES on with this amazingly monotone "hypnotic" voice that makes you want to constantly clear your throat) then do so. Mort has honed his craft and is a great source of information to re-grow your marriage.

The first step is to recognize that there is a problem, which you have done. The next step is to begin to identify ways to solve the problem. You will have to add spice back into your marriage. (No, don't go out to Victoria's Secret and buy a nightie to entice him in with... It won't work and YOU will be hurt... Baby steps!)

The good news (for you) is that virtually ALL marriages will come to this point once the fun and excitement has been stripped away. Act now, get it back on track, and know that this is a neighborhood you never want to visit again!

Good luck, and please do tell us how it is going!

~Moog


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

There are so many ups and downs that I can't take it anymore. He can come home and be in a good mood and then 2 seconds later he's ranting about something then 2 seconds later he's smiling. There is something wrong. I just feel like I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I would feel so bad to leave even if I could. I really feel like he would crawl in a hole. He can't do anything without me. 
He literally calls me for everything and then doesn't like what I say and gets pissed off and starts yelling at me. I even tried just listening and then he says I am ignoring him. I truly believe there is something wrong upstairs and I don't mean that in a bad way. I feel bad for him but I am so sick of picking up all the pieces and always being the one to fix things.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Yep. I understand.

~Moog


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

There is a threshold for how much pain we are willing to tolerate to avoid facing the pain that change will bring.

I agonized over leaving my marriage, and two young children. You are not, and cannot be responsible for him. You cannot expect to sit down and reason with someone that is unreasonable. You are setting yourself up.

Take a break. Leave. Take your daughter and go on vacation, go stay with friends or family - but you must do something. It will give both you and he the perspective and wake up call that the circumstances warrant. 

I have been out of the house for almost 5 months. I can't tell you that there aren't sad days, but overall I'm happier and so is she. There is no anger, anxiety or disappointment the way there was on a daily basis prior to our separation. It was having an overwhelmingly negative effect on us as individuals and particularly on our kids.

Act. Do something. Or, you can acknowledge that the pain of acting still outweighs the pain of what your life and marriage has become.


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