# Daughter called me out in front of my EX. How to handle it?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's been awhile since I've posted on here because I've been trying to handle things on my own and for the most part, things have been good anyways. However, last night I nearly lost it. And what I'm about to say sounds petty.

My kids had a videochat with their mom and at one point she tells my son when was he going to get a haircut. His hair has gotten pretty shaggy. My 11 year old D cuts in and tells her he was supposed to get it cut on Monday. Didn't happen. And daddy said we'll get it cut Tuesday. Never happened. And now it's Wednesday. I spoke up and kindly said that maybe after the video chat we can see if we can get it cut...which is what we did.
So why does that sound so bad?
Because it's one of the things my EX used to convince herself that my lack of follow-through and/or promises was a reason to cheat and ultimately leave me. And I've been working on doing better with this flaw of mine because I recognize other people are affected by my good intended promises too. Sometimes I say maybe to certain things, and other times I find myself making those promises.
I was angry at first with my daughter for throwing me under the bus like that. I felt attacked. Of course, I knew deep down she was right. That even though I had tried to cut his hair but things came up that prevented me from doing it(I tried to do it myself but couldn't find the guard to the shaver), I had still made the promise of getting it done that day. 
It's something about me that I want to work on. To say things like, "I can't promise we'll get it done today, but we'll do the best we can". 
But the fact my EX heard that only fed fuel to her justification that I'm still the EX that hasn't changed. 
WHY should I care what she thinks? I believe it's because a part of me still wants her to regret her decision to leave me. 
I know what you're gonna say. That I shouldn't care what she thinks. That I need to focus better on myself, not her. But I'm concerned how emotionally pissed I was last night. Fortunately, I didn't say anything to my daughter even though I wanted to.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You need to work on your language then. Dont promise things you cant deliver. It is just a hair cut and I dont think a few days matter unless there is some occasion that would call for a nice hair cut. However, it bothers you. So communicate better with your kids. They take everything literally. So if you had said something like this week, thats what she would tell her mom and everything would be ok.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the kids probably have learned that if they play you and your wife off of each other they get what they want. In this case it worked as you took them for haircuts right after she tattled. 

Mind you, it was more of a necessity than say getting that toy they want or being allowed to watch a TV show or something like that. So the harm here is minimal imo.

But you need to set up that this sort of manipulation will not work and will not be tolerated.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

As a single parent, things come up sometimes where we don't always get to do things in the order we'd like. This is definitely hard for kids to understand since their lives aren't always as busy as ours are. I agree with chiben that you just need to change the language you use. I have found that telling my kids "maybe" works better. Say "maybe" we will go this week or "if I have time after work/chores." Then if something comes up, they are more understanding since it wasn't carved in stone. I've actually been really watching that with my kids but also with everyone these days. Some days, I can get so emotional that I feel paralyzed and barely have the strength to get the basic chores of the day done. I'm very careful not to commit to too much right now as a result.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Houston, only going to say this once......who gives a sh*t what she thinks of you. BTW AR is right IMO.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Kids will often tell the truth, without worrying about the implications. From the way you tell it, it's hard to see if she was doing it to manipulate things or whether she was just talking about what was going on in her life with her mom.

In any case, it sounds like in this aspect, you haven't changed as much as you like. Don't want people to "throw you under the bus" for behavior you perceive as negative? Don't behave that way. Personally, I try to avoid telling my kids about "plans" unless they're actually going to happen. Especially for really fun things. Because of course, they only hear the "we're going to the zoo", instead of "if we have time on Saturday, we'll go to the zoo". .

And be honest. Did it not happen on any of those days because other more important stuff came up, or because it wasn't truly a priority to you? And it didn't become a priority until you were embarrassed by it?

C


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I saw this joke on FB:

_"Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him about it every six months!"_

There are many millions of men out there, me included, who procrastinate. Their wives don't have affairs and leave them. Your wife sounds like she has all sorts of issues, and she did after all have an affair. She used your 'lack of follow-through' as an excuse, probably because she knows you are sensitive about it. You suddenly doing things when you should is not going to bring her back or change her flawed personality. 

Give yourself a break, half the world procrastinates, it is not a big deal.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think the kids were being manipulative. My EX brought it up with my younger son and my daughter responded. I think my "promises" may have an affect on her too and she's a little frustrated by it too. Hope my daughter doesn't leave me because of this. Just kidding!
The haircut was not a top priority, but was something I was hoping to get done soon.
But this incident has really hit me because my daughter recognizes it too and I don't want that for her, friends, family, and most of all myself. 
So it is all about how I word things and I have to watch what I say, or keep to myself no matter how well my intentions are. I have been working on that. But I haven't reached being consistent with it. Just sucks that it blew up in front of my EX.

And I know I shouldn't give a **** what my EX thinks. That's the rational part of my brain talking. 

But the emotional part had me angry because I believe that I am a good person despite my flaws and why can't my EX ever realize that?!?

And slipping up and my daughter calling me out just has my EX thinking she's been right all along and I'm incapable of changing. That's my emotions talking right now. I should be thinking, "Why should I care what she thinks?!?"; " Why should I attempt to gain her approval or for her to realize she made the biggest mistake in her life when she left her marriage" That I'm not a bad person. 
Does anyone have a emotion-beater stick that I can use on myself right now?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's not that you are incapable.

It's just an area where you will need to rise to 50,000 feet and observe yourself.

This requires self-discipline

One thing that was great about my dad. When he said something was going to happen, it did.

As a child, that creates security.

Don't worry about your ex. We know what she is.

Worry about your kids and how they perceive your word.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

So you know what we're going to say, good.

Because you really shouldn't give two sh*ts about what she thinks. Man up and live your life knowing your the best dude you can be, and I promise you won't care what she thinks. You lack confidence in your character and integrity. Ensure that you find it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think Conrad has the best advise. The issue I see is a daughter a little frustrated with both her parents lack of follow through, and then speaking out in a round about way about something that bothers her and also being protective of her brother. What she heard is "junior we promise to get your hair cut" and then neither of you did it thus hurting junior by not being dependable, and upsetting her as well with another broken promise. 

The ex is a non issue at this point, who cares, this needs to be addressed between you and the kids. First apoligize to your son, don't offer excuses about why you didn't do it, he doesn't care, he just cares that you promised. Talk it out with both kids, look at it from their prospective. And I would also tell them talking bad to one parent about the other isn't right, it can only cause hard feelings and as parents you BOTH want what is best for the kids.


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