# PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is almost unbearable.



## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

*PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is unbearable.*

Well. I have been with my wife for 20 yrs. Have been married to her for 13. Pretty much my whole adult life. We have a 6 yr old daughter which I also love dearly. 

My wife comes from a wealthy family and I come from a typical lower middle class family. I always felt like I was not good enough for her (although I never did told her that until AFTER we separated) and that has always been a burden on my back since we met. It didnt help that she has always made a lot more money than me. As we grew older and the problems of life started to surface I started to suffer from anxiety/depression. Not sure for how long, but it had become more and more the reason for most of the problems in our relationship. 

When things were ok we were awesome together. I used to grab her all the time and compliment her and always made sure she knew she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me. We had sex regularly, and good sex I might add. Then the relationship started to get dented here and there, little by little. When ever we had a problem I would prefer to lock my self in (thinking it was better to avoid conflict) while she tried and tried to work it out, which in turn would annoy me sometimes. 

When my wife got pregnant, it was as if a switch got turned off inside her and she did not want to have sex for the duration of the pregnancy. When I say no sex, I mean not even wanting to talk about it. Even though at the time I understood and accepted it as something natural, I still got a little resentful because of it. 

Once our daughter was born things got back to normal. But again the emotional/physical stress of dealing with our newborn daughter took its toll. This is when I believe my anxiety/depression symptoms started to get worse. Life problems combined with dealing with the baby and work problems, coupled with my anxiety/depression led to marriage disputes. A common pattern started to develop. Me locking her out, she trying to get in, me resenting her for trying. Repeat ad nauseam. This is when I believe we began to disconnect drift apart. 

Soon I started to see changes in her. Sometimes she would not react to my compliments or my sexual advances like she used to. Resentment developed so little by little I stopped the compliments and the sexual advances. She would tell me that she felt the relationship to falter at that point too. That if she did not feel an emotional connection to me then the physical connection was not there. And so it became like a vicious circle. No physical connection from her part which led to resentment from my part which led to disputes which led to me locking her out which led to her trying to get in which led to resentment and start from the beginning again. 

Around this time I started to see a psychologist to help with my anxiety/depression. This actually helped a lot. Enough that my wife noticed a change in my personality. 

We moved to another state on the summer of 2010 after selling our house and making enough money to help us with the readjusting to our new home. 

Things just went downhill from here on. 

The money we had saved went away in a little less than a year. I had trouble finding a job and my wife could only find a job which was paying her peanuts compared to what she was making previously. I finally landed a job at a local call center, working odd hours and getting back home fairly late at night. My wife also found a much better job in 2011.

Little by little the same patterns seen before started to creep in again. Things being worst now because of the economic hardship. 

My wife started to have an online affair with old friends from her teenage years. I started to notice some weird behavior early on but ignored it thinking to myself I was just being paranoid. 

At that point I remember feeling like things were not right. There was still the economic problems, the odd behavior of my wife (she would not leave her phone out of her sight). So I pried. I found a suspicious txt message and I confronted her. She denied it. I took her word for it but the odd behavior continued. I actually asked her several more times, the last couple of times were actually in a very calm non-confrontational way and she still denied there was anything going on. 

See, I am a very open minded person. I know we are not saints and that we will always turn our heads around to see other people. I had always told my wife that if she ever felt like having an affair that she should tell me about it and discuss it. In the end, once I found out, I was not hurt for the act of her doing it, but because she lied to me and never trusted me enough to tell me. Even when I asked her straight up.

Things got bad enough that we started to see a marriage counselor. Which helped a little in the beginning but not much. 

One day I could not take it anymore and had to put my 2 weeks notice at work. The stress of the job, together with the problems at home just were too much. This was a blow to the relationship. My wife got extremely upset (rightly so) because I made the decision without discussing it with her. Not that it would have mattered anyway as we barely talked to each other anymore. On December 15 we had a 15 minute conversation and along tears we decided I would move out. She offered to help me move to an apartment in town but that would have just made things worst with our economic situation. So I figured the best option was for me to move back to with my parents (Puerto Rico). My plan was to get back in shape economically and emotionally and eventually (and hopefully) go back to her and my daughter. This was not a separation that would necessarily end up in a divorce, at least in my view.

Needless to say Christmas was very sad. Lots of crying and not very festive. I left on Feb 10. The night before I was leaving, literally hours before, I found all the text messages and pictures she had been sending and receiving on her phone. To my best knowledge this had been happening at least since the beginning of 2010. She of course did not gave me any details. She, later, said that it was not physical, but more about them (it was actually 2 different guys over 2 different periods of time)making her feel wanted. She was living with me but she felt alone. I certainly could understand to a certain extent, except for the part when I asked her several different times and she denied it. She also indicated that the reason she did it was because she knew it would never progress from sending and receiving messages. I do have my doubts about this, as I know she went out with one of them in PR (she's also from PR) and even told me about it. At the time I thought this friend was gay so I gave it no importance.

Needless to say we did not have time to talk about this before I left. Since I got here I have been like a walking zombie. I know I am depressed about the whole situation (I actually started going to therapy 2 weeks ago, but so far is not helping) as I miss my wife and daughter every single waking minute of the day. There are times I am driving/walking around and all of a sudden I would burst into tears (one time it happened at the gym and I actually had to run to the bathroom).

Living with my parents does not make the situation any easier and I still have not found a job. I signed up in a gym and already lost 25 pounds. The time I spend (4 hrs a day pretty much) in the gym are GOLD, as I have nothing else to do. I am desperately looking for a job, even if it pays minimum wage as I need to DO STUFF to keep my mind occupied. 

While here I have tried to talk to my wife and tell her that I miss her and love her and have felt she barely corresponds my comments. She says that since we separated she needs to learn to live without me. To this I remind her what the reason for the separation was. She says she does not know WHEN that time will come and thus she is expecting it to be permanent. 

This comment left me sad, confused, and angry. I know it was a tough decision to take, but I always made it clear I was not abandoning them. I simply could not take more of being an economic burden for the family and the tension, resentment in our home was intolerable. I simply made the "best" choice of all ones available, none of which were good anyway.

I recently also found out she went out on a date and had sex with a 22 yr old kid (she is 43 and I am 40). I pried, and it seems like the kid will be leaving town on August to go to another college. She must surely know this, so this leads me to believe this would be the same game as with the "online affair". To try to fill the loneliness and sadness. This certainly changes a lot of things as she will no doubt will be seeing him again. My wife is a very attractive woman and if I was 22 yrs with a chance of something with her I would go for it, so this will most likely occupy her time until he leaves. She does NOT know I know it. I do not know if I should tell her. I am just afraid this will erode the little we have left in our relationship. 

I gave up on telling her I miss her/love her, etc. because I was afraid I was pushing too much. I know that when we talk there is still SOMETHING there. We have talked about our daughter and remembered good times also. I am not sure if what I "feel" is just her taking pity on me or if there still hope. At the same time I have asked her to please be honest with me and tell me as soon as she feels like this is over so I can cope with the pain. Not that she will necessarily comply. 

She will be visiting town this coming weekend and I am not sure I know how to treat her. I know I want to spend time with my daughter. I dont know if I should ask my wife to share that time with us (we told our daughter that I am here helping her grandparents with work)? I really want to also spend a day with my wife and just talk. Nothing special (although I am dying inside for it to be) as I know it may be the last time in a long time if not ever that I will have this opportunity. 

This past month and a half have been the toughest days I have ever had to deal with in my life. I just feel so alone all the time as I really do not have anyone I can talk to here either (one of the reasons I found this forum!). I feel like I am driving a one way dead end street.

Any insight will be appreciated. 

PS 
I am an Atheist, so I would appreciate if you leave god/religion out of your comments. thank you


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Read the book codependent no more.

Your wife is gone. 

Time for you to reclaim you.

See a lawyer and establish your rights with your daughter.

Do you love yourself? If you don't, you cannot truly love your ex.

...And she is your ex.

This message is not from GOD


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

fcb, it's great that you are in treatment for your depression/anxiety. Keep it up. Are you on meds? Counseling? If you're not seeing results, then look for another method or doctor. This is imperative no matter what happens in your marriage. It's a health issue. 

I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like your wife is done. She has had at least two emotional affairs, and one physical affair. She doesn't respect the marriage vows anymore. 

There were long-standing issues, you admit. Things went on long enough that she had time to detach. Once that happens, it seems nearly impossible to get a spouse back. Read around on here, you'll see it time and time again. It's time for you to work on your own part of how things got to this point. You can't force her to see or do anything. Work on you in order to be the best you, not to get her back. 

I agree with GutPunch. Read up on attachment vs. love, too. There is a difference. Learn to see the value in yourself, rather than putting her on a pedestal. If you truly loved yourself, you would have been able to stand up for yourself when you saw her drifting towards other men -- and left her then, if that's what it came to, instead of 'understanding' her and giving her leeway to continue on.

Work on getting back to living closer to your daughter. She needs her daddy. Her life is in upheaval right now, too.

Sorry you had to join us here, but you'll get a lot of advice from many people who have been there.


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## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

First of all thank you for your response, guys. I had already thought of what you guys said. The thing is that one of the reasons it will be really hard for me to move back to NC is that I really do not know anyone there. We were there for barely 2 yrs. All the ppl I know are really her family (the original reason we moved there) and the common friends of her brother/sisters. All these ppl knew us together. Going back there I will always be the odd man out. 

I am afraid that having to deal with the divorce, plus perhaps seeing her with someone else, and being alone will be a toxic combination for me, making me go back to point one as far as my emotional state is concerned.


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## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

AngelPixie, I am going to counseling. No meds. 

I dont really feel like counseling is going to help much, as I already know the reason why I have been depressed before and the reason why I am depressed now. 

I am going for now because it is pretty much the only valve of escape I have available to me.


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## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

Not that it matters too much, but I wanted to clarify something. I said earlier that my wife had been with someone physically, this actually happened this past Saturday. Of course this happened AFTER the separation. Is it expected or does is make it any better to do this while being separated? I always assumed it was something that could happen, and I was almost expecting it to happen. So it really has not caught me so offguard. Again, what pains me is that I expect her to lie about it. I just dont know if I should play stupid and play the "cool friend ex husband " card. Or ask her to just give me the killing blow so I may move one. 

We have to wait at least a year separated (as per the state of NC) to file for divorce.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

fcb1899 said:


> Not that it matters too much, but I wanted to clarify something. I said earlier that my wife had been with someone physically, this actually happened this past Saturday. Of course this happened AFTER the separation. Is it expected or does is make it any better to do this while being separated? I always assumed it was something that could happen, and I was almost expecting it to happen. So it really has not caught me so offguard. Again, what pains me is that I expect her to lie about it. I just dont know if I should play stupid and play the "cool friend ex husband " card. Or ask her to just give me the killing blow so I may move one.
> 
> We have to wait at least a year separated (as per the state of NC) to file for divorce.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Do you want to reconcile with her after she's been with another man?

If you already know about it and have evidence of it, why do you want to wait around for her to lie to you about it. She's checked out. She's with another dude. Maintain your dignity and be done. She's told you her answer by her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*Re: PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is unbearable.*



fcb1899 said:


> PS
> I am an Atheist, so I would appreciate if you leave god/religion out of your comments. thank you


I was with you until right here.

Good luck.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is unbearable.*



fcb1899 said:


> PS
> I am lactose intolerant, so I would appreciate if you leave milk/dairy products out of your comments. thank you





Conrad said:


> I was with you until right here.
> 
> Good luck.



Pb.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

fcb1899 said:


> AngelPixie, I am going to counseling. No meds.
> 
> I dont really feel like counseling is going to help much, as I already know the reason why I have been depressed before and the reason why I am depressed now.
> 
> I am going for now because it is pretty much the only valve of escape I have available to me.


Counseling can always help, fcb. It's not just about finding someone to listen to you and validate feelings. You get as much out of it as you put into it. Counseling is also about learning new skills so that you deal with things differently from this point forward. Just knowing why you are depressed isn't enough. There are therapies (specifically cognitive-behavioral therapies) that are about getting you to think differently, or get you out of doing things the way you've always done them, or the way you were 'programmed' to by the way you were raised, for example. We get into patterns, but those patterns can be changed. And that, in turn, changes how we feel, and act. 

Take a look for a counselor who does more than 'talk therapy.'


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

*Re: PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is unbearable.*



Conrad said:


> I was with you until right here.
> 
> Good luck.


Huh?

Your marriage advice only holds for christians?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*Re: PLEASE help. one month and a half separated. this is unbearable.*



caladan said:


> Huh?
> 
> Your marriage advice only holds for christians?


Not at all.

I'm open to good ideas, regardless of source.

But, as best I can, I do limit my exchanges to open minded individuals.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Disbelief in religion or a deity is not a sign of closed-mindedness, Conrad. For some of us, the evidence just isn't convincing enough. However, using that disbelief as a reason to dismiss others does seem closed-minded to me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> Disbelief in religion or a deity is not a sign of closed-mindedness, Conrad. For some of us, the evidence just isn't convincing enough. However, using that disbelief as a reason to dismiss others does seem closed-minded to me.


I'm sorry you feel that way


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Or...



fcb1899 said:


> PS
> I am a teetotaler, so I would appreciate if you leave beer/alcoholic beverages out of your comments. thank you


Or...



fcb1899 said:


> PS
> I am bald, so I would appreciate if you leave shampoo/hair care out of your comments. thank you


Or...



fcb1899 said:


> PS
> I am ADHD, so I would appreciate if you leave SQUIRRELS! Wait... Wait? Oooooh, shiny... thank you





angelpixie said:


> Disbelief in religion or a deity is not a sign of closed-mindedness, Conrad. For some of us, the evidence just isn't convincing enough. However, using that disbelief as a reason to dismiss others does seem closed-minded to me.


He's not close-minded, because he doesn't believe in a deity. He is close-minded because he summarily dismisses everyone else's beliefs, and with no real cause to do so.

The postscript is unnecessary. It's addresses a problem that never existed, until he brought attention to it. It is the epitome of defensiveness.


Pb.


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## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

I am as open minded as they come. I have NO problem with religion or people believing whatever they want to believe. The reason I mentioned that at the end is that I have read some comments in which other members ask the OP to "hold on to their faith in God", "pray", "go to church", etc. 

I certainly appreciate any advice/comments, and I would not hold it against anyone that would post any such advice/comments. The truth is, in my particular case it will not help ME in any way whatsoever.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And that's perfectly valid, fcb. I guess I understood you to be saying exactly what you just illustrated in your last post. I didn't take it as being dismissive of religious people, but just a pre-emptive mention in case someone felt that they wanted to make a religious-based suggestion that would not fit you.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

fcb1899 said:


> I am as open minded as they come. I have NO problem with religion or people believing whatever they want to believe. The reason I mentioned that at the end is that I have read some comments in which other members ask the OP to "hold on to their faith in God", "pray", "go to church", etc.
> 
> I certainly appreciate any advice/comments, and I would not hold it against anyone that would post any such advice/comments. The truth is, in my particular case it will not help ME in any way whatsoever.


Maybe, maybe not.

I'm agnostic, fcb, and so I can certainly understand where you're coming from, but...

Even if you've never necessarily defined it, I presume that if you thought about it, you have a moral code that you live your life by. Those fundamental personal rules and guidelines that help you make decisions in such a way to preserve your integrity.

All these people are doing is telling you to get yourself realigned with your own moral compass, however you choose to do that... Go to church... Pray... Meditate... Have a philosophical debate... Commune with nature... Whatever.

It helps eliminate the internal conflict that can arise between what you feel you should do, what you want to do, and what you actually do.


Pb.


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## fcb1899 (Mar 26, 2013)

helolover said:


> Do you want to reconcile with her after she's been with another man?
> 
> If you already know about it and have evidence of it, why do you want to wait around for her to lie to you about it. She's checked out. She's with another dude. Maintain your dignity and be done. She's told you her answer by her actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. I still want to reconcile with my wife. Even after she's been with another man. I could go out to a bar, pick up a woman and do the same thing now. We are separated. I presume such scenarios would be fairly common in a separation. Anyone correct me if I am wrong. 

And I suspect I would not be the first person in the world to think of reconciliation after such a thing happens. I LOVE my wife and my daughter. I just know she is THE ONE. We both made mistakes and got to this point. I just want another chance because, now that I know those mistakes I will not repeat them EVER. 

However, I have asked my wife if she feels it really IS OVER between us. I got the typical "I dont know answer." If she tells me it is in fact over then I will not linger. It will hurt like hell. I will probably feel worse than I feel now. But at least I would know I have to move on. 

I just dont know if I should bring it up during her stay here the next 2 weeks. I dont want her to get upset and then having to go through the drama every time I want to spend time with my daughter. I dont want my daughter to see that. That is the last thing I want to do. 

The way our relationship is now is very amicable and that is the way I would like to keep it. For my sanity and for my daughter's sake. I do not want to end up hating and despising the only woman I have loved for the past 20 years.


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