# 2 Week Update and some more advice needed



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

So, here I am. 15 days after discovering that my wife had grown attached to a man and then kissed him. So an EA that had basically just become physical.

It's bene a difficult two weeks, that's for sure. I am a zombie, just cannot focus on anything. I have been running every day to distract myself, and combine that with a lack of sleep and no appetite and wave goodbye to nearly 18 lbs in 12 days. I am not sleeping ok and eating again, so at least I'm coming out of shock.

In some areas, I think we've made some progress. These areas are;

My wife has willingly handed over passwords to 

Mobile Phones and Accounts
Bank Accounts
Email Accounts
etc
etc

She has also agreed to go to couples counselling, and this begins next week. She has also willingly written a no contact letter and posted it with me, with complete co-operation. She spends her time apologising, and comforting me when I break down. We are trying to talk about the affair, and us, diring a fixed 30 minute period each day, to stop us from just obsessiing about it completely all the time. She is affectionate in terms of kissing me and holding me in bed, although intimacy and sex seems like a long way away for both of us. She is extremely patient with my outbursts of anger and frustration. We havs also begun discussing what was wrong with the marriage without excusing her behaviour - and there was clearly neglect and emotional distancing going on from both sides - we both felt a bit lonely, and felt the relationship had lost a spark in several easily identifable ways - so lots to fix in the future if we make it.

Other areas confuse me. She is clearly devastated herself by what she has done. She is totally ashamed, and distraught at the pain she has caused me. She is perhaps more shocked that she is not the person she thought she was. She has spent two weeks with people telling her she needs to step up and save her marriage. But unfortunately, the more people tell her this the more withdrawn she seems to get.

I am frantically trying to save the marriage, but then thats my personality - I tend to react to a crisis with action.

This is the part I need advice on. My two questions are

1. Is this normal behaviour and
2. How do I handle it

I am frantically trying to save the marriage, but then thats my personality - I tend to react to a crisis with action. The counselling, the scheduled talking, the no contact letter, its all my driving. My wife agrees to everything and then tries really hard to stick to it all, but it's like her motivation has just dissapeared. If I suggest something, she'll do it, but she's so quiet and withdrawn that she never proposes anything herself. She does small gestures - bringing me a cup of tea, bringing home stuff for dinner, and this seems to exhaust her. There just doesn't seem to be anything pro-active going on, if that makes sense. If I say I ned her to call me throughout the day to rerassure me she will do it dutifully, but the thoought I might need it wouldn't occur without my suggestion. she has thrown herself into her work and university studies and this dominates her time. She dreads talking about it because she says it kills her to see the agony on my face and makes her ashamed. Now, before anyone gets going, she is not in contact with the other man. I know she isn't. Not because I trust her, but because I don't. Soemtimes, she says she feels really close to me, and other times a million miles apart. She tells me she loves me and wants to make the marriage work, but says she is holding on day by day.

So the first question is - is this withdrawal normal for a woman that has had a brief emotional affair. And the second question is - how do I handle it without driving her away. I need huge acts of reassurance and I'm not getting them. I need to see her coming up with things for us to do together rather than me driving it all - and I'm not seeing it. I worry that if I try to pull back and stop coaxing us towards a future then she will simply withdraw completely and I will lose her.

So I'd like some advice please. I have made the decision to try and work my marriage out as my love for her didn't change because of her foolish actions. I may change that decision in the future - i can't do it all alone, but right now I'm looking for advice on how to bring her out of her withdrawn state so we can start fighting for a future together - or if you genuinely believe otherwise, tell me I am flogging a dead horse, because I am afraid that I am so keen to see the positives here I may be making them up.

Thanks all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like you've taken control of coming up with all answers - I think this has made her feel like that what she needs to do is follow your requests and it will make up for her betrayal.

Slow down.

You together need to work on it. So slow down an tell her that you need for her to put some energy into fixing things. That means she is a co-contributor to the things to do, not just an implementer of tasks you give her.

I think part of her problem is that she is not emotionally and mentally investing herself in the marriage. She instead is doing what you are asking her, like it's a class assignment.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think part of her problem is that she is not emotionally and mentally investing herself in the marriage. She instead is doing what you are asking her, like it's a class assignment.


I agree completely, but is the only option to just step back and leave her in her withdrawn state - with the end result being that nothing happens? I have asked her many times to become more active in fixing the marriage but she just says she can't do anything more dramatic than she is doing and doesn't understand why.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

To answer your questions:

1. Yes it's normal.

2. You handle it one day at a time. Couples therapy and individual therapy as well.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> So, here I am. 15 days after discovering that my wife had grown attached to a man and then kissed him. So an EA that had basically just become physical.
> 
> It's bene a difficult two weeks, that's for sure. I am a zombie, just cannot focus on anything. I have been running every day to distract myself, and combine that with a lack of sleep and no appetite and wave goodbye to nearly 18 lbs in 12 days. I am not sleeping ok and eating again, so at least I'm coming out of shock.
> 
> ...



wow i could have wrote this, in the same boat, it seems like its everything i think of to do and shes just going thru the motions and saying "sorry my best isnt good enough for you right now, i'm having a hard time too' the only diff, is my wife still is working with her E/A partner...but that will be coming to an end, either she 1)quits her job or 2) calls her E/A partner in front of me and also his wife and confesses (she still calls it a close frienship that i am jealous of) or 3) she move out and I start divorce procedings, which would deff stop the affair (she calims its over) bevcause once word got out that we are divorcing it will deff make it back to her work and everyone will know why, we live in a very small town.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Let me preface this response that I am 4+ years D-Day of my wife's EA. Our marriage struggled, improved, survived and thrived post affair. 



HusbandInPain said:


> 1. Is this normal behaviour and


Yes, she is grieving both the betrayal of you and the loss of TOM. Unfair as it seems, you will need to allow her time to grieve the loss of TOM from her life. But she has made the right steps in starting to detach from him and come back to you. It is simply a part of the process.



HusbandInPain said:


> 2. How do I handle it


Step it up as the leader in the recovery of your marriage. Deal with her in as confident a way as possible and show her you are going to see this through. She is in great turmoil, guilt and remorse, the best thing for her is to see you as confident and ready to manage the situation. This will not only make the process easier for you both but will likely help with her reattachment to you. Knock off the daily half hour state of the marriage talks if there is nothing new to discuss. You are doing nothing more more than scratching the scabs. It's unhealthy for the both of you. Break the daily cycle and get away from the situation with going out to dinner or a movie to move the focus away from the EA. Do this weekly or more. If you have kids, family outings can be just as effective. It will take time but you can both recover and find a marriage that is better than it was before. Good luck.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Somewhere on this forum, they say it takes 2-5 years to get over a spouse's betrayal. If you're willing to invest yourself into what it takes to get over it, you and she can prevail.

Right now, you are the captain of a ship that has just taken a torpedo, and it is still doubtful whether the ship can be brought into shore or sink. What you do from now on will determine the outcome. You can be the heroic captain who takes charge and saves his ship, or the cowardly one who stole a lifeboat and abandoned ship. I know that a lot of the heavy lifting has to come from her, but she also needs you to be confident and strong.

You must go to MC and you BOTH must work together to save this.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

She seems in the shock of withdrawl from OM. As much as you are hurting, she is hurting as well. She probably does not want you to know that she is still missing him and in great deal of pain because of that.

How do you know that they only kissed? You may seem convinced that she severed the contact completely for now, but don't get too confident. She will feel very tempted to contact him again. You guys are not out of woods yet. 

Also, you need to find a good MC to help you move thru this stage.


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