# Not sure where to go from here...



## mrmark (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm honestly not sure where to start. I'm obviously new here... been reading for a few days and so much of what I read here sounds eerily familiar. That is enough to scare me. I'm not married, but engaged. My fiancee and I have been together for four years, living together for three. We are supposed to tie the knot this June.

Where we are now, is an ugly place. I have lost a lot of trust for my wife-to-be. I guess I'm here to find out if it's justified, or if I'm just an overreactive man. Let me preface this by saying that I love her with all that I have, and would do anything (and have done plenty of things that most men wouldn't) for her. We were even homeless for a little while... I stuck with her through that, no complaints, just love. Not that it's immediately relevant, but now we are financially stable and comfortable. Anyway... here's my story.

For the entire duration that I've known her, my wife-to-be, we will call her "M," has been physically attached to her cellphone. At first I thought nothing of it, until I noticed that guys were calling and texting her in the middle of the night. She said that she has no control over what they do... fair enough, point taken. While it still bothered me, I did my best to bury it and let it be. About a year and a half ago, when we were really hard up, we made a running joke that she should get a sugar daddy so we could make ends meet. With my consent (what was I smoking?) she joined a sugar daddy/baby meeting website, and actually ended up talking to some of them. I was ambivalent.. but thought hey, it's harmless. Finally, she started exchanging pictures with one of them, and getting extremely flirtatious in the messages... that's when I couldn't take it. It made me violently ill, and I kept playing the messages over and over in my head. She pledged to stop, that she couldn't see me hurt like this, and it did.

After that, I think everyone on this forum would understand that I became snoopy. To be fair, I've always been a little bit of the "watch over my shoulder" type, probably because of the amount of times I've seen my parents talk about divorce and my mom getting emotionally involved with guys over the Internet. I started sifting through e-mails, Facebook, anything I could find. Sure enough, she has been texting this guy in California off and on for years -- we will call him "J." I asked her to stop, because I felt it was inappropriate and it made me feel uncomfortable, and she claimed that I was controlling her, didn't trust her (true at the time), and was plain livid with me.

About a year ago, things got pretty heavy with this J character. M was texting him literally all the days, all the times. From what I saw they didn't exchange pictures... but they definitely said some inappropriate things. She wished he was in the shower with her, she was single, etc. Enough to break my heart. When I confronted her, instead of addressing the issue, she blasted me for sifting through her phone, and subsequently put a lock on it -- which, in turn, made me MORE suspicious. (She claimed it meant nothing, it was a big joke -- if it was a big joke, why is it now a secret?) From what I could tell, though, it cooled off after I confronted her.

I realize I do sound horribly untrusting. I can live with that for now.

Let's fast forward to yesterday. It had been a serious length of time since I had done any snooping.. I thought we really had a good handle on everything and things were smooth. We recently got a cellphone plan together, so I went to see what the usage was like. I find out she's been calling not one, but two guys in California for some pretty hefty lengths of time -- all right before I come home from work. The rest of the time, she's texting them. I decide to snoop... in her email, she's talking to a third guy, where she is obviously flirting. At least this time she didn't say she was single -- but did say that I wasn't the "best lay," that I was "bland," and that she "needed something more."

While obviously it wasn't the best option, I blasted her by text message -- sent her a photo of the email. Basically told her that she had been lying to me, that I KNEW she had been lying to me, and that I didn't even know what to say. (Although say lots, I did. Perhaps too much.)

Her reaction was this... that she had something she needed to talk to me about for a long time, but never knew how. She said she was scared to marry me, afraid of the pressures of "forever" and being expected to be "perfect." I told her that if she lied to me ever again, even by omission, that I was done. She called me on her lunch from work to try to explain, and I told her how I felt -- how all of this deception makes me feel, how it makes me question her every move. It then got turned on me, about how everything is always about me. The problem here is that she doesn't know how / like to / want to communicate with ME. She even told me point blank on the phone -- point blank -- that sometimes she just doesn't want to talk to me. She didn't offer a reason. I asked her what made her talk to me this time, and she said "you've never said you were going to leave me before." (This is something she has threatened several times. I have begged her to stay every time.)

We didn't get to talk about it when she got home (per her request, AND we have a friend staying over for a few nights)... I'm at a loss. Please, please, offer any and all advice. Can I trust her? Should I? I don't even know what to think anymore. I am devastated.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

It's not your call. She is checked out already.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Pretty much. 

And shes avoiding you so she doesn't have to own up to her adulterous bullsh!t and feel guilty about it.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I'd break things off with her right now. No way in hell that I'd marry her. She's already resentful of your snooping (justified) and you're not even married.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Here is a story that might help put things in perspective for you about marrying this girl:

Guy and Girl meet after high school. The start dating and become engaged. Girl cheats on him and he leaves her. She gets pregnant, the ap leaves her, and guy marries her because they are not sure which guy is the father. She has abortion. To date they have 3 kids and she has cheated at least 4 more times in 12 yrs.

The moral of the story is that he got his first clue as to what type of girl he was marrying, but chose to ignore it. Now he is paying the price. 

Now ask yourself a question. Is that the life you want for yourself?


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hello Mark,

Do not marry her!
And you already know the answer to your question as to trust her or not!You are not able to trust her;She cannot be trusted;
DO not take her bull****.And do not be her security.She does not love or respect you;The one who does ,never lies,cheats or hurts in this manner;
What does she think is she some GOD or something to cheat and then to have the audacity to play mind-games with you??


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## mrmark (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm having a lot of trouble processing and coming to terms with all this. I really want to believe her when she says all of these people are just friends and she just talks to them to have someone to talk to. It could be true, and I want it to be true. I've never had an easy time getting her to talk to me though, especially when all I want is blunt honesty.

I would love to fix this if I can. I know she would be a wonderful wife, this aside. It would break my heart to have to push her away over this... I will get some recoil over this, but I'd be okay being walked on if it meant her being her usual loving self, I guess. Or maybe that's the devastation/completely crushed ego talking..


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

IF you go through with this marriage, you will never fully trust her. This will constantly be in the back of your mind. Is that the kind of marriage you want? You're not married, no kids. Find a girl who will love you and truly respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP. I assume you are not a stupid person. As such, weigh all the evidence and make the decision that you know must be made. Picture is worth a thousand words:


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

mrmark said:


> I'm having a lot of trouble processing and coming to terms with all this. I really want to believe her when she says all of these people are just friends and she just talks to them to have someone to talk to. It could be true, and I want it to be true. I've never had an easy time getting her to talk to me though, especially when all I want is blunt honesty.
> 
> I would love to fix this if I can.* I know she would be a wonderful wife, this aside.* It would break my heart to have to push her away over this... I will get some recoil over this, but I'd be okay being walked on if it meant her being her usual loving self, I guess. Or maybe that's the devastation/completely crushed ego talking..


No, she wouldn't thats just wishful beta male thinking. 

These aren't just friends, they're emotional affairs and her looking for one to go physical. 

I've never texted any of my friends that I want to be in the shower with them. 

People don't joke like that. 

Please, don't lie to yourself, and make potentially the biggest mistake of your life so you can avoid manning up and having to sift through a lot of crap from her to get to the bottom of this


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

mrmark said:


> I'm having a lot of trouble processing and coming to terms with all this. I really want to believe her when she says all of these people are just friends and she just talks to them to have someone to talk to. It could be true, and I want it to be true. I've never had an easy time getting her to talk to me though, especially when all I want is blunt honesty.
> 
> I would love to fix this if I can. I know she would be a wonderful wife, this aside. It would break my heart to have to push her away over this... I will get some recoil over this, but I'd be okay being walked on if it meant her being her usual loving self, I guess. Or maybe that's the devastation/completely crushed ego talking..


Which 'FRIENDS' talk the way you have posted your wife does;

Have you lost all your esteem ;You seem not to love yourself anymore and no self-worth as well;You really feel you life is about taking craps like cheating;There cannot be degrees to it-whether it is online or inperson;
Cheating does imply -that woman is unhappy deep inside;But happiness is in our minds and not outside;We do noy go about breaking other's trust when we are unhappy;
If you so love her,talk to her straight about her unhappiness and what is leading her to cheat an dseek others while being with you;If she is sincere like you-both of you shall overcome this phase to start a healthy life;
Else if you cover up things now because you are so needy (even trying not to see her clear cheating and taking her nonsense),then both of you will end up in a sad and pathetic life;
Why do not you work on yourself first ;DO not let any type of fear define you;Think with a clear and healthy mind.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

If you are not the primary focus of her life prior to marriage in the "Fiancee" stage, then why do you believe you will be in the marriage????:scratchhead:

I get that you love her but if she does not love you enough to stop this behavior with other men then that really tells you what a marriage will be like with her in the future!!! Walk Away or you will certainly end up like everyone else on this and other infidelity forums after you get married when the Bloom of Marriage wears off!!!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

mrmark said:


> I'm having a lot of trouble processing and coming to terms with all this. I really want to believe her when she says all of these people are just friends and she just *talks to them to have someone to talk to*. It could be true, and I want it to be true. *I've never had an easy time **getting her to talk to me though*, especially when all I want is blunt honesty.
> 
> The big question here is, 1)why does she need all these other men to talk to. 2) why is it so easy for her to talk to them and not you?....You know the man she's supposed to be marrying and putting before all others
> 
> ...


Your heart seems already seems broken by this?
You dont seem ok being walked upon and you shouldnt, it's all about boundaries, what are yours?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

mrmark said:


> I'm having a lot of trouble processing and coming to terms with all this. I really want to believe her when she says all of these people are just friends and she just talks to them to have someone to talk to. It could be true, and I want it to be true. I've never had an easy time getting her to talk to me though, especially when all I want is blunt honesty.
> 
> I would love to fix this if I can. I know she would be a wonderful wife, this aside. It would break my heart to have to push her away over this... I will get some recoil over this, but I'd be okay being walked on if it meant her being her usual loving self, I guess. Or maybe that's the devastation/completely crushed ego talking..


Back to the story....the BH is always making excuses like yours. She is a great mother, a great friend and great person. But let me ask you this...What the hell kind of mother chances breaking up her family for feel good times? What the hell kind of friend puts her friends in a position of lying to their spouse? What the hell kinda of great person does things that could cause another family to break up? The answer is simply none. 

You notice that he never mentioned great wife. That is because of the pain he has to live with...knowing that he will never and has never been enough for her, knowing that she seeks intimacy outside of the marriage rather than turning to him and knowing that the utlimate gift of a 2nd chance means crap to her.

I am begging you to please run the other direction. Do not let her hurt a person like me because she can.


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## mrmark (Dec 4, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Your heart seems already seems broken by this?
> You dont seem ok being walked upon and you shouldnt, it's all about boundaries, what are yours?


I hate how much truth is oozing from your post... I don't know what my boundaries are. I guess I need to grow a pair.

At this point, though, what do I have to lose, I guess? I want to give her a chance to fix it; after all, she is human. I really want her to be transparent, honest, and just to stop talking to these guys. I am willing to give it one more shot.. IF she accedes to all this. If not... I guess I really will have to man up. I don't want to tell her to leave... but I can't spend forever in agony either. I know I seem to be flip-flopping here... but my head is an absolute mess. I don't know what I want anymore.


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## mrmark (Dec 4, 2012)

Before I somehow got her to "lock up" again, I did forget to mention.. she was saying about how she feels like all these "outside forces" (???) are expecting so much from her. She mentioned the example of her mom not just being happy for us but pushing us really hard to have a kid already -- which NEITHER of us are ready for. I don't know if maybe she is taking that emotional frustration out by venting to them, but I feel like if anyone should be having those conversations with her, it is me... I don't know.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

She has to do things to get your trust back;Instead you seem all too eager to forgive;It is not your call.You have just to see with a clear mind whether she is sincere or not;If she is well and good else do not marry life time of agony;
Even if you separate let me assure you ,few months of no contact and healthy life will be enough for you to move on and never think of her;


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

mrmark said:


> I hate how much truth is oozing from your post... I don't know what my boundaries are. I guess I need to grow a pair.
> Ok you dont know all of them but a biggie is you dont want to abide by sharing your wife with other men correct?A good book to read is No nore Mr.Nice Guy
> No More Mr. Nice Guy
> go over the web site,read the book, it will help you define your boundaries with everyone in life.
> ...




You can want all you wish, but you CANT make her do anything, you can only control you and no one else, do you think your request is unreasonable? I dont think anyone here does.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You've given her chances, over and over. What is different this time that you think will make it work? What effort is SHE making to BE different? She's still blaming on everything else.

Why would you want to marry a woman who says you're not even good at sex???


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you get her pregant I think I will come through the computer and hit you.

You allowed a scenario that you never should have allowed to go on for years. Now she feels entitled to it and you feel she is entitled to it. She thinks you are her personal doormat. You are her personal doormat. You are a convenience. A front. A source of money.

I'm sorry, but you are totally insane if you marry her. She CAN'T TALK TO YOU. What kind of woman marries a man she can't talk to? One that has no interest in a marital relationship.


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