# not wanted sex since wedding day



## person (Oct 16, 2011)

ive been married for over a year and since the day of my wedding i have had virtually no interest in sex with my wife.

before our wedding day i was a virgin (she wasnt), but we were both looking forward to sex, and i was planning for us to have a very active sex life together. on our honeymoon we had sex almost every day, but it was tricky and only pleasurable for me about once. since then it has never been more than once a week. now it has been nearly 2 months since we last had sex, and every time we try i end up feeling awful because part of me just doesnt want to do it.

i think that all this is because i was not sure about getting married in the first place, but i dont know if that is just an excuse i am making... 

she knows that i have always felt extremely unsure about our marriage and she is getting sick of it. she says she doesnt mind about the sex, but she has just about given up on trying to make the marriage work because i can never bring myself to say that i think we are doing the right thing to be married, and because i cant bring myself to say that i want to be with her for the rest of our lives.

i suppose you will say we need to see a counsellor together. but i dont know if a counsellor will be able to convince me that getting married was the right thing for us to do, or to convince me that i want to spend the rest of my life with my wife, or to make me want to have sex with her.

any thoughts about the best course of action? would be much appreciated.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If part of you wants the closeness and connection, but part of you feels afraid, resentful, and maybe even suffocated by marriage, then you probably are a commitment-phobe. If you enjoy the thrill of the chase, but find reasons not to want to be with the person after you have "caught" them, that is a fear of commitment. 

Most people crave the connection that love and marriage promise, but some people can't tolerate that level of closeness. They feel trapped, worry that something "better" is out there, and begin to pick apart their mate and create reasons why they don't want to be married. Or they have such a fear of abondonment, they won't allow themselves to get too close to anyone for fear of getting hurt. Often, a commitment phobic person will get involved in a serious relationship, or get married, but then won't take responsibility for getting involved, saying they felt "pressured" or "forced". That is so they can avoid having any responsibility for the marriage. But that is just not true.

Seeing a psychologist is the best way to deal with this problem. If I am reading your situation correctly, you are withholding sex because it is a form of intimacy. You are unsure about your marriage in general and that is not normal. When you get married, you should want to be there....not that you won't have fears, but that you have the ability to overcome your fears and have the capacity to make a commitment to your spouse, with all of life's ups and downs.

A psychologist will be able to work with you to figure out WHERE the fear of intimacy comes from and why you agreed to get married in the first place. Often, people with intimacy issues are not good at asserting themselves or setting boundaries. They move in fast and push for commitment and then when they have it, they get freaked out and want to just escape. Maybe your parents divorced or you experienced some other form of loss in childhood. Maybe your parents didn't help you develop healthy self-esteem because they were abusive, or controlling, harshly critical, or narcissistic (not allowing you to develop your own identity, have healthy boundaries, make your own decisions, or have thoughts and opinions different from theirs). 

The good news is that you can get help and get better, but you need to be willing to acknowledge you have a problem and work on it. If you don't try to address this problem, you will probably end up divorcing your wife (she may leave you or you may cheat on her, which is another form of keeping distance in a marriage) and you will be cheating yourself out of the experience of learning how to trust and deeply love someone, and allowing them to know you and love you in a deep way. If you don't get help, you will continue to repeat this pattern of developing relationships with women that can only go so far in terms of intimacy/commitment. 

Commitment-phobic people who are in denial think that if they just found the "right" person, that they would not feel this way. But until they get help, they WILL always feel this way.

I hope this helps. Even if I am not on the mark about the commitment stuff, you should see a psychologist because if you didn't want to get married but you did, coupled with your lack of desire for your wife, are two indicators that you have some issues to work out.

Good luck!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why was sex only pleasurable to you once? Are you sure you're doing it right? 

Counseling doesn't have to be just for "fixing" things. Sometimes, there's nothing to fix. And the counseling is just a way for both parties to get stuff out in a nonconfrontational environment. It can also be a place for people to get a better understanding of who they are, and why they made the decisions they did.

And if you don't do counseling, what are your other options? Waiting till one of you gets fed up enough to leave? Cause status quo doesn't seem to be working for either of you.

Why did you get married, if you were so uncertain about it in the first place?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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