# He Beat Me Up Tonight



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, here I sit nursing a very sore and lumpy head and bruised body because the husband I love so much lost it and beat the s*** out of me tonight.

The police have a BOLO out on him and he's also drunk behind the wheel with an open bottle of vodka with him and nothing but his pj's on.

I'm still trying to digest what happened. 

I knew he had been on edge and didn't seem like himself lately with all the browbeating he was doing to me and cutting me down, but I didn't know it was this bad. I guess I missed all the signs.

Yesterday he pretty much raked me over the coals so I decided to steer clear of him today. 

He called me at work at 3:15 to ask when I was coming home. Said he was having an emotional crisis and needed my help. I told him I would leave work right then and come home, but he told me to wait and come straight home when I got off at 4:30.

I got home and could tell he was drunk and agitated. He was talking to himself, yelling at the TV, fell over in his recliner onto the floor, etc. I ignored him and went to make his dinner. I fed him and then tried to get him to take his meds and noticed he hadn't taken his AM meds. When I mentioned it, he said he wasn't taking them and refused his PM meds also.

I stayed out of his man cave and tried to keep myself busy around the house so nothing would get started. He called me into his room and said "I love you, I don't like how you are, but I love you ok?" I said ok and left the room again.

He called me in again and wanted to talk about my mother's car (long story here). I didn't give him the answer he wanted and he started yelling that he couldn't talk to me cause it always turned into s*** and that he wasn't talking to me anymore and to get out of his room before he beat the s*** out of me - so I left.

He then called me in again and wanted to know what my problem was. I told him I didn't have one and I didn't understand why he got upset at my answer - I told him I heard him and would talk to my mother about his idea about her car. He then told me to leave again or he was gonna hit me. I said, you're gonna hit me - with everything you've put me through I feel like beating the crap out of you. He then said well go ahead and hit me (he had this weird grin on his face). i thought he was joking (boy did i misread the situation), so i said if i hit you, will you hit me back and he said we'll see, all the while grinning at me - so I thought it was a joke.

So I lightly slapped at his shoulder and the fight was on. He grabbed me by my sweater, pulled me into the chair and started slugging me in the head. Now, I'm 5'6", about 150 and he's 6'5" and 290 - no match. i asked him to stop, and he kept slugging me in the head, I fell onto the floor and he got on top of me and kept slugging, pulled me up by my hair and kept slugging me in my head, everywhere he could make contact. I said ------- you're going to kill me and he said you're damn right I am and then threw me against the door. I curled up in a fetal position and asked him to please leave me alone, he was hurting me (I felt like i was going to lose consiousness). I put my hand out and asked him to get away from me, he then said, get away from me b**** and then kicked me in the chest twice and told me to get up. I crawled back on the floor and stood up, he threw an unopened beer can at my head that glanced off of it and hit the window. 

I then told him I was calling the police and I went to my car and locked myself in so he wouldn't come after me. I didn't call the police yet (I know...), and he came outside, got in his truck and left (drunk).

He came back a few minutes later, got his phone, got the opened bottle of vodka out of the freezer and said to me - I don't care what happens, what you do, how you cry, if you beg, whatever, we're through and left again with the vodka.

I spoke to his brother and he told me to call the police as he was out of control and a danger to himself and others behind the wheel. I did call them, I did not tell them he beat me up, I did not tell them he was drinking. I simply told them his history of PTSD, his brain injury, not taking his meds, etc. So they have police looking for him and will take him to a psychiatric hospital and have him involuntarily committed when/if they find him.

His brother told me that he also called him today before he called me at work and said he was having problems.

I think he had a PTSD episode, flashback, psychotic break, something.

All I know is the man who has NEVER EVER touched me in anger beat the s*** out of me tonight and now I'm scared of him.

I don't want it to be over, but that may be for the best after what happened tonight.

I'm afraid to go to sleep as my head hurts and I don't know if I have a concussion or not, so I'm going to stay awake and go to the dr tomorrow. I am locking the door on the bedroom in case he does come home. The police have instructed me to call if he does come home so they can pick him up and get him committed.

Thanks for listening, I'll be alright, just have a pounding headache.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

... God... F--king damn... =/

You're rather brave to stay, however I would brace the door as well just in case. Trust me, a locked door is easy to bypass - used to do break-ins when I was a teenager (which was another lifetime ago)


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I feel very sorry for what happened to you! Very sorry. 

I think he is struggling with his problems and he is going crazy......................


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get out if there to somewhere safe!

You need to file charges and see a doctor. Do not wait!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell it's good that I've always been a happy drunk, worst thing I ever did drunk was strip nude in front of everyone and have the missus chase me up and down the house with a towel while everyone was laughing their asses off going OMG OMG OMG and ended up being chased all the way down the street before I tripped.

Sorry... trying to brighten things up... =/


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You need to go to the ER now! You could have a concussion, brain bleed, cracked skull, broken ribs, or internal damage where he kicked you in the chest. This is not something to wait til tomorrow about. It would also put you out of his reach for the night if he does come back.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I'm considering charges (I haven't told the police he beat me up yet), but I don't want to cause more trouble than there already is. I'm still trying to protect him like I always have.

I don't have anywhere to go (I'm not from this area), so no family.

I will see a dr to make sure I don't have a concussion (reason I'm not sleeping).

He took the best years of my life, if I have to start over, how do I do that at 50 years old?

And after everything, I still love him and want to protect him - I'm pretty f***** up, huh?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TNgirl232 said:


> You need to go to the ER now! You could have a concussion, brain bleed, cracked skull, broken ribs, or internal damage where he kicked you in the chest. This is not something to wait til tomorrow about. It would also put you out of his reach for the night if he does come back.


Yeah actually that's a good point. I would suggest that too.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Look for a battered woman's shelter. You can get help!

Go to the ER. Please, just go. You are not helping him by hiding this assault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I just can't believe this happened - I think I'm still in shock.

He's been gone since 7:30 and the police still haven't found him yet and he won't answer his phone and hasn't contacted any of his family either.

I hope he doesn't do something stupid and hurt himself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove, protect yourself first and foremost at the very least. If you were my mum I wouldn't even let you argue with me about "protection" I'll drag you all the way to hospital kicking and screaming if I have to. Do this for yourself at least, go to the hospital and get checked out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have my own money (more than him), I can support myself and I don't give a damn about the material things in this home.

I'm just trying to digest it all - what the hell happened, why did he lose control - I really thought he was going to kill me for a minute there, he just wouldn't stop hitting me, especially in the head - that seemed to be his main focus for some reason.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Oh honey, go to the ER!!! At the very least you will get checked out and have a place to stay safe while they look for him. Please!!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Digest it while you are in safe hands and getting medical attention -.-


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, I got it. I'm going to go to the VA ER (won't have to sit for hours).

I'm just afraid he'll come home and tear things up and hurt our cats or something while I'm gone.

But I'm going, now. Need some cigarettes anyway - smoked a whole pack in two hours.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Good!!! The cats can hide from him better than you can. Hang in there and let us know if you're ok, physically at least. Hugs


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> The cats can hide from him better than you can.


Agreed, cats are survivalists, they know how to take care of themselves.

Take care of yourself MWIL


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

First, you need to get out of that house to an M.D. just so you don't die and to make sure he can't get his hands back on you.

I understand that he has PTSD but he put his hands on you once, there's a good chance that he'll do it again so consider that if you're thinking about staying together with him. 

Also, I know you don't want to call the man on him but this just may be a wake up call to take his damn meds.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

OMfreakinG. I can't believe my eyes. I am SO SORRY that this happened to you. This man is not your husband. You can't take the risk that next time he might try to kill you....WHILE YOU SLEEP. This would be the proverbial straw, and I hope it is for your sake.

I'm so glad to see that you're going to the ER. You may need documentation of your injuries for more than one reason. If you're going to try to have him committed, say. It's harder than one realizes to have someone EOD'd. Been there, done that. Someone has to be a danger to themselves or others. That he's driving around drunk may not be enough. I hope the cops where you live are VERY VERY smart. My daughter was suicidal and I couldn't get her EOD'd (emergency order of detention). 

My heart goes out to you. I so hope you're ok. As far as starting over at 50? It might be the best thing you could do for yourself. That's not to say you have to abandon him per se, but make arrangements for another type of care. But you can't stay there. It's just not safe anymore. OMG I'm so sorry. *gentle hugs*


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear what happened...
Listen to these fine people... Leave get out and press charges period... Fight back in court and stand up to that bully with the law...
But any means leave for your own saftey...
Once again I'm sorry something like this happened...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey, sweetie, I'm hoping you are at the ER and will see this later. 

I can only begin to imagine how hard this is--such clear evidence that the man you love is gone and replaced by someone who is so clearly suffering, too, that it breaks your heart. Of course you don't want to abandon him. We all understand that. And, we understand too that your ability to care for him, to make sure that at least someone is caring for him, will be destroyed if you can't protect yourself. 

My sister worked on a ward with TBIs. I handled a lawsuit about one once, too. I know enough to know that impulsivity and violent behavior are pretty common with many types of brain injuries. That does not make him a bad person, but it does make him potentially dangerous--as you have so unfortunately discovered. 

I'm hoping you are ok and we will "see" you here tomorrow. I hope he's ok, too. My prayers go out to both of you.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I am so sorry for this and very happy you decided to go to the ER. You obviously have a lot of support here. Please know you deserve so much better. Even if you still love him and it is hurting you just as badly to see him suffer as it is for you to suffer, you've got to keep yourself safe. I'm thinking of you. He needs help badly and it's the kind of help you can't possibly give while living with him. My heart goes out to you.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I'm very very sorry for what happened to you ! 
You need to get away from your husband no matter what, he seems to be very dangerous.
Please be brave and do what is best for you !


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Please please get to the doc, make an escape, and get away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

So very very sorry to hear of this MarriedWithLove, from all of us, our heart goes out to you & to your husband. Why God allows these kinds of things to happen to us, when someone like yourself has been so faithful & true, I will never understand. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I pray your injuries are not internal. 

When the dust settles some, may you be surrounded by wise counsel on where to go from here. 

You are fortunate enough to have a good paying job & can make it on your own. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves and OUR needs 1st -so we can be that whole person to keep helping & even loving others around us. Even if you split, this doesn't have to mean "abandon". 

50 is still young. Much life yet to live & experience.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sorry it came to this. You should know now that it's not healthy to stay with him. Please do what's best for YOU.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

My heart bleeds for you. And I know what it's like, I truly do, to be hit by the man you love and how VERY confusing that is, especially when you never thought he'd do that to you. But honey, he did. And PTSD or not, he MUST leave or you MUST...for good. 

Funny what you said about the cats though... when I left my husband the night he hit me... I took the dog with me...  Of course, dogs are less likely to hide, your cats will be fine.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He took the best years of my life, if I have to start over, how do I do that at 50 years old?


You don't worry about that today. Scarlett O'Hara had the right of it. Some things are best for another day. Today is for you to start to heal.


> And after everything, I still love him and want to protect him - I'm pretty f***** up, huh?


You are sooooo not f'ed up, MWIL. You are trying to stand by your sick and injured husband. The fact that you can't is one of life's cruelties but NO REFLECTION ON YOU. 

Peace to you.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm new here and was shocked to read this as one of my first threads. I really hope you get out of the situation. I bet you're stronger than you think you are. I'm sure your self esteem is alot more hurt than any bruise on your body. However, with the love and support of others, I'm sure people will help see you through this. You deserve better. Please do not go back to this situation. One day it might be worse than just bruises! Never underestimate the power of an abuser! Protect yourself. Know you are worthy and that there are people out there who can help you pick your life back up.

PS. Please go through with pressing charges. If you don't, thats like letting him get away with what he has done and will probably do to others. There has to be consequences for people's actions, and he needs to be held accountable.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. It is awful. Please look after yourself first - go to the Dr's and get yourself better.

Your husband has serious issues that need to be sorted out, however you cannot go back. Regardless of his illness he is an abuser and he is dangerous. You cannot live with a man like that. How will your ever trust him? 

I'm really sorry, I know how it feels. This was the person you love, your soul mate, and the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with - it feels like the world has come crashing in, but leaving you will get the freedom to live. You will survive. Be a survivor and not a victim.

Take care. x


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks to all for your support, you don't know what it means right now.

Update:

Mild concussion, no broken bones or bleeds. Just very sore, some bruises and several knots on my head, one of them hurts pretty bad. Don't know why he kept going for my head...

I received a call from my husband this morning. He sounded extremely calm, and said he was at the VA. He apparently took himself to the ER last night, was very agitated, they discovered he was intoxicated so he was involuntarily committed to the psych ward. He said he wanted me to know where he was (we're through, but he wants me to know where he is???). I told him he needed help and to please stay there and get some. I then asked if he would let me see him (don't bash me for this please, I have been with this man for 26 years), and he said yes, but after 5pm. So I am going to go because I want to make sure he's okay and take him some underwear, etc.

His doctor did also speak with me this morning, said they haven't spoke with him yet, but wanted a run-down of what happened. So I told the story, but did not tell them he beat me up (I know, please again, don't bash me here). They told me he was intoxicated and asked if i thought he had an alcohol problem and I said yes he does. I told them he drinks all the time and that it makes everything worse and he gets mean, ugly, etc.

They also asked me again if he got physical with me and I said no (no bashing here please). I spoke to my BIL and this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to let his doctor's speak with him first. They are then going to talk with me about his treatment. If he has not told them that he beat me up last night, then I'm going to go ahead and tell them.

But I won't press charges, I just can't, I can't explain why - I just can't.

I was also asked if I thought he was a danger to me, I told them no, but he's a danger to himself and others right now and they need to keep him, he needs extensive therapy. They also asked if I was afraid of him and while I was last night, I'm not now. I don't know why - I should be, but I just don't feel afraid of him. He's sick, all of this is not really all his fault, his brain is f***** up.

To all who have posted, please understand that this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me in 26 years. After reflecting back on what happened last night, I don't think he realized it was me he was beating up - it was like he was in some kind of fog - he was not himself at all.

So I'm going to go see him tonight, see how I feel around him since this happened (maybe I will be scared), do the update with his doctor and then figure out where to go from there. While it is my decision to stay or leave, we are married and I need to know what his plans are too.

Thanks again to everyone for your support and wishes - its so great to have this many people care who don't even know you - just goes to show how many wonderful people are out there who do truly care about others.

I will keep you posted.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Please do keep us posted, and keep coming back here for support as you may need to make very difficult decisions soon.
Praying for you, mwil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I won't repeat myself here...but I just want to throw in that they can't treat him properly if you're keeping information from them. I'm glad to hear that you're going to tell them that he beat you up if he doesn't tell them first. They really need to know *everything* he's doing if they're going to help him. I'm guessing you feel you're protecting him, but it could be just the opposite. You could actually be hurting him if you don't give them all the information they need.

I'm so glad you're alright. I know you've got to be an emotional mess right now. I'm glad your husband is alright as well...had to have been a sleepless night for you. It's easy enough for us to sit here and tell you what to do...the reality is that we really don't know what we'd do if we'd been married 26 years and ended up with a husband with a traumatic brain injury who did something he's never done before. It would be a lot easier if you didn't love him. You do what you have to do for yourself, and for your marriage. 
But please be honesty and forthcoming with his treatment team. That's the only way they can help HIM. Please take care of yourself today, and let us know how you're doing.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

No bashing here, but I must ask this, what is your pay off for telling people NO he didn't get physical with you? And once again by you NOT pressing charges it's pretty much letting him get away with whatever he wants. 

Even if you leave him never to return, he may do this to another person. Please hold people accountable for their actions. Once again you need to ask yourself what it is you are getting from not doing this.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> No bashing here, but I must ask this, what is your pay off for telling people NO he didn't get physical with you? And once again by you NOT pressing charges it's pretty much letting him get away with whatever he wants.
> 
> Even if you leave him never to return, he may do this to another person. Please hold people accountable for their actions. Once again you need to ask yourself what it is you are getting from not doing this.


I'm just trying to protect him like I've always done and do with everyone in my life.

I will not press charges - period - I've made that decision.

But, if he has not told his doctor's that he beat me up, I will tell them myself so that they can help him properly. I will do that.

I'm trying to hold him accountable for his actions, but you have to understand, these are not "his" actions alone. He has suffered a severe brain injury, he also has been diagnosed with high to severe PTSD by the VA, there are other factors at work here that have to be considered. He cannot and will not get the help he needs in a jail cell - he needs to be in the hospital where he is. The VA are experts at dealing with this type of issue, he's in the best hands he can be in right now.

And I've come to the conclusion that if it's over, it's over. I don't want it to be, I really don't. But, if he leaves, he leaves, I'll just have to pick up the pieces and start over - I'm no longer going to worry about him staying or leaving - right now I want to make sure he gets the help he needs for himself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This is the first time he has laid his hand on you in 26 years? So what! The fact that he did it at all is what matters.
He sounds like a monster and I doubt that all came about with a brain injury. 
He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Stop making excuses for him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Well no one can make you do anything, so if you do not want to press chanrges because you are "protecting" him, then you just do. Telling the docs at least is a start, so they can properly help him. BTW you will never be able to fix him or help him. Sure you can be there for him, but you can NOT change his ways he will have to do that on his own with intensive professional help. He may change he may not, but that is no longer your burden to carry. He is NOT your resonsiblity no matter how long you have been with him or how much you love him. I would recommend the book to you, Codependent No More as well. Google it, see if your local library has it. I saw where it was recommended to another person on the forum dealing with alcohol. This is a good read for anyone who feels they need to "help" or "protect" another person who displays unhealthy behavior. It will give you some good insight on why you feel the need to "protect" others, and how you feeling you are protecting is actually doing the opposite. I do hope you're ok and keep us updated!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> This is the first time he has laid his hand on you in 26 years? So what! The fact that he did it at all is what matters.
> He sounds like a monster and I doubt that all came about with a brain injury.
> He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Stop making excuses for him.


While I don't disagree with some of what you've said, he is not a monster at all.

I am trying to hold him accountable for his actions, but in a way that I believe is best for him and that will help him.

And yes, I have to admit I do make excuses for him and always have, but I'm not trying to "excuse away" that he beat me up last night - its a fact, he did. But it's truly not as simple as - the a**hole beat you up, he's a wife beater, an abuser, lock him up, press charges and make him go to jail is not that cut and dried in this particular situation.

There are other serious, documented medical issues at play here. That doesn't excuse or change the fact that he beat the s*** out of me last night, but, its totally out of his character and a one time event - how can that make him a monster? Especially if you knew of all the psychological issues involved.

Maybe I'm just too gullible, stupid, whatever - but I love this man and want to help him. But...I will be drawing some lines in the sand and establishing some boundaries and deal breakers if he wants to say around. I'm going to try my best to get out of my "doormat mode."


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

MWIL, (((big hugs)))
I am really glad to read that you are relatively OK after this ordeal. 
I know you love him. I know you want to help him. I know you would do anything to protect him. 
I also know, that you won't be any good to him or anyone else if you allow him to ever hit you again. I know he has not been himself, but he has to acknowledge that he beat you and that this beating took place as a direct result of his drinking problem. 

Brain injury and PTSD considered, but set aside for one second.
His drinking has made both his life and your life unmanageable. He is a danger to himself and to you, and anyone else on the road with him while he has an open container of vodka behind the wheel.

He has to stop it, or you run the risk of this whole scenario playing out again.
You can help him by first being completely honest with his doctor at the VA. I am not saying you have to press charges, but you need to be honest about the situation so there is a record of what has happened- incase ( god forbid) it ever happens again.

You can also make it very clear to HIM that you can not continue to cohabitate with him if he is going to drink.
Please check out al anon.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Your life is being severely and dangerously affected by your husbands drinking and his inability to realize that this is a problem.
We all know, based on your posts why he is drinking. You can acknowledge that his drinking is only making the other health problems worse. He has to see this for himself and make a change. Court ordered or by his own volition.

I want you to have a happy relationship with your man- and I know you are trying your damnedest. Please know that it will NEVER get any better- no matter how hard you try or will it to get better until he dries out and changes this part of his character.

In the mean time, al anon will be able to give you some support and guidance from other families that deal with someone in their lives with a drinking problem. Al anon has great resources and spiritual strength to offer.

Hang in there, and please, please, please do not spend time alone with him unless you are 100% sure he is sober.
In fact, I really liked the suggestion that you take a couple of days away to recuperate and reflect. He will be safe in the psyche ward, and perhaps he will have a chance to reflect on what he has done too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Well no one can make you do anything, so if you do not want to press chanrges because you are "protecting" him, then you just do. Telling the docs at least is a start, so they can properly help him. BTW you will never be able to fix him or help him. Sure you can be there for him, but you can NOT change his ways he will have to do that on his own with intensive professional help. He may change he may not, but that is no longer your burden to carry. He is NOT your resonsiblity no matter how long you have been with him or how much you love him. I would recommend the book to you, Codependent No More as well. Google it, see if your local library has it. I saw where it was recommended to another person on the forum dealing with alcohol. This is a good read for anyone who feels they need to "help" or "protect" another person who displays unhealthy behavior. It will give you some good insight on why you feel the need to "protect" others, and how you feeling you are protecting is actually doing the opposite. I do hope you're ok and keep us updated!


Thanks for the reference, I'll look it up.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I then asked if he would let me see him (don't bash me for this please, I have been with this man for 26 years), and he said yes, but after 5pm. So I am going to go because I want to make sure he's okay and take him some underwear, etc...





> ...but did not tell them he beat me up (I know, please again, don't bash me here)...





> ...They also asked me again if he got physical with me and I said no (no bashing here please).


I'm not going to bash you... I'd be a hippocrite (sp?) if I did. My husband physically abused me and while I did throw him out when the abuse went from pushing and holding me down to actual hitting, I still talk to him, and we get along pretty well - as friends (which is good, we've got kids). I still haven't divorced him, I'm still undecided... anyone who's read my threads knows I'm a confused mess. It's not so easy to just walk away even when they do something like this. I understand. 



> If he has not told them that he beat me up last night, then I'm going to go ahead and tell them...But I won't press charges, I just can't, I can't explain why - I just can't.


I'll be honest, I never called the cops on my husband, I just ran. And of the VERY few people that I DID tell what he did, they asked me why I didn't, and I just couldn't explain it. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put my kids through not only their dad being kicked out, but also being arrested. But, you DO need to tell his doctors, because it WILL help them treat him, they need to know everything. And you need to tell at least one good friend. I did and it helps for me to have someone to talk to about ALL of it - holding nothing back.



> I was also asked if I thought he was a danger to me, I told them no....and while I was last night, I'm not now. I don't know why - I should be, but I just don't feel afraid of him. .....To all who have posted, please understand that this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me in 26 years. ....


I understand this too. Right now, my husband is sober - he hasn't drank since he hit me - and that's the first time he ever actually HIT me. I'm not actually afraid of him... while he's sober. Of course, we're not living together either. But I'm not sure I'd feel so unafraid if he were drunk, because now I know what he's capable of when he's drunk, and it turns out he's capable of something I NEVER thought he'd do, and it only escalates. If he can't maintain his sobriety, I can't be with him, that I know. I don't know how long he'll have to be sober before I can trust him again, if ever. I don't even know if I'll give our marriage another try. 

So, you have to know, if your husband will not take his meds, will not follow his treatment, or will not do what he needs to do, and maintain sobriety too, you cannot stay with him either sweetie. Cause now you know what he's capable of when he's drunk and/or hasn't taken his meds and/or when his brain isn't acting right. It's one thing to be a supportive wife, it's another to put yourself in danger. We only want to make sure you're safe... please do what keeps you safe.



> Thanks again to everyone for your support and wishes - its so great to have this many people care who don't even know you - just goes to show how many wonderful people are out there who do truly care about others.
> 
> I will keep you posted.


Please do.... and hugs.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> MWIL,
> I am really glad to read that you are relatively OK after this ordeal.
> I know you love him. I know you want to help him. I know you would do anything to protect him.
> I also know, that you won't be any good to him or anyone else if you allow him to ever hit you again. I know he has not been himself, but he has to acknowledge that he beat you and that this beating took place as a direct result of his drinking problem.
> ...


Thanks for the reference and your comments.

I do think he's recognized that he blew it last night - he took that first step when he took himself to the ER and told them he needed help - that took a lot of guts - especially if you knew him.

I am going to make sure his doctor's know that he beat me up, if he doesn't tell them, I will - I will.

Yes, alcohol is a problem for him. But a symptom of his issues, not the main problem - the alcohol just makes it worse but didn't cause the original issues to begin with. His brain injury caused most of them, coupled with his PTSD, resulting in nightmares, hyper-vigilance, trust issues, feeling scared, etc. And the part of his brain involved has affected his judgment, impulse control, his affect, etc.

So I hear you (and everyone else). I'm trying to make sure he gets the help he needs - I'm not a doctor and can't help him. But you have to admit he has taken the first step by going to the hospital and saying I need help. I know I can't fix him. But the right therapy and medication, along with his willingness to get help and change can do wonders - I've seen it happen with my stepfather.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will get the help he needs and be a better person and man for it. If not with me, then with someone else down the road.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> he took that first step when he took himself to the ER and told them he needed help - that took a lot of guts ... But you have to admit he has taken the first step by going to the hospital and saying I need help.


I will say that I have to give him credit for this... that DOES take guts and isn't easy to do. I know he hurt you bad, and it's unforgiveable what he did. But he did seek help, and I do wish him the best of luck and hope he has the fortitude to stick it out and work hard (cause he'll need to work hard) to get better for his own sake. 

But you still keep you safe first... ok?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

julia71 said:


> I will say that I have to give him credit for this... that DOES take guts and isn't easy to do. I know he hurt you bad, and it's unforgiveable what he did. But he did seek help, and I do wish him the best of luck and hope he has the fortitude to stick it out and work hard (cause he'll need to work hard) to get better for his own sake.
> 
> But you still keep you safe first... ok?


Ok


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I won't repeat myself here...but I just want to throw in that they can't treat him properly if you're keeping information from them. I'm glad to hear that you're going to tell them that he beat you up if he doesn't tell them first. They really need to know *everything* he's doing if they're going to help him. I'm guessing you feel you're protecting him, but it could be just the opposite. You could actually be hurting him if you don't give them all the information they need.


I don't want to "beat you up". Lord knows you have been through enough. But you are not helping HIM by withholding this info.

I hope you are well.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

My husband is an alcoholic and in AA, has done great for the past year. However,even though he was never violent or ever hit me there was a time where he became pushy. He shoved me out of the way, took the phone out of my hand etc. I was scared of course not knowing what might be getting ready to happen, I didn't know what may or may not happen with a man who was intoxicated, so I hit 911. When he found out the call went through, he ran. Ran out the door and couldn't be found. 

He later on returned after the police had left and my neighbors showed up and stayed with me. We didn't speak when he came back in. I just knew I had put up with that mess long enough, and he knew it. I think me calling the cops, woke him up. Does it mean it will for all people, no of course not. His family and my family were told what had happened by me. And because we chose to stay together and he chose to get help, they were all his support for AA. Bottom line, had I not called the police and let friends and family know what was going on, I'm not sure where my life would be right now. 

If you don't want to press charges thats up to you but you do need to tell others. Doctors, family members etc. I know you think you are protecting him, but really you're not. You can't protect him. He is a messed up person for whatever reason, and you're messed up with him. I'm not saying do not love or care for him, but right now, you need to love and care for yourself more. Hugs to you!

Also, deffo get the book "Codependent No More" It has been a life saver for me. And yes it will show you how you are NOT really protecting him like you think you are.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The only thing I'd like to add is that there is no weight to the previous 26 years that he didn't try to kill you now that he has done just that. You mentioned that you didn't understand why he kept hitting you in the head. It's obvious, he wanted to kill you.

I'm being blunt for a reason.

He is not the man he was. He is now someone who tried to kill his wife.

Protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> The only thing I'd like to add is that there is no weight to the previous 26 years that he didn't try to kill you now that he has done just that. You mentioned that you didn't understand why he kept hitting you in the head. It's obvious, he wanted to kill you.
> 
> I'm being blunt for a reason.
> 
> ...


EXACTLY!!! Going for your head knowing it could/would cause serious trauma if not death speaks volumes about him.
Get away from this person.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> My husband is an alcoholic and in AA, has done great for the past year. However,even though he was never violent or ever hit me there was a time where he became pushy. He shoved me out of the way, took the phone out of my hand etc. I was scared of course not knowing what might be getting ready to happen, I didn't know what may or may not happen with a man who was intoxicated, so I hit 911. When he found out the call went through, he ran. Ran out the door and couldn't be found.
> 
> He later on returned after the police had left and my neighbors showed up and stayed with me. We didn't speak when he came back in. I just knew I had put up with that mess long enough, and he knew it. I think me calling the cops, woke him up. Does it mean it will for all people, no of course not. His family and my family were told what had happened by me. And because we chose to stay together and he chose to get help, they were all his support for AA. Bottom line, had I not called the police and let friends and family know what was going on, I'm not sure where my life would be right now.
> 
> ...


Okay everyone, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I will tell his doctor's that he beat me up. OK!!!

And, I didn't mention it earlier but I did tell his family. I had to as I was looking for him and needed to know if he contacted them. So his brother knows, his mother and stepdad knows and his dad/stepmother knows. So his family knows - which will probably make it worse - he'll hate me for that - look at me, still worrying about him - damn!

But again, thanks - I will speak to his doctor's again.


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## jenaa (Dec 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Ok


Please tell the doctors before you go into see him, they may not want you to. You are going to need a lot of help, please take professional advise. You cannot help him. You are the victim here, you must protect yourself, and get outside help. I could be wrong, but I think going to see him is unhealthy for both of you right now.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> EXACTLY!!! Going for your head knowing it could/would cause serious trauma if not death speaks volumes about him.
> Get away from this person.


I understand what you're saying and I hear you.

But its just not that simple for me. I'm working it out - lots of things to decide, since he told me we were through when he left last night, then maybe he's worked it out for me.

I'm trying...I just can't throw about 26 years with a snap of my finger. 

I will work this out and do what's best for me.

Thanks!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay everyone, I got it, I got it, I got it.
> 
> I will tell his doctor's that he beat me up. OK!!!
> 
> ...


I understand you're upset. But people here are trying to help you and surely you do know people are not always gonna sugarcoat things to save your feelings. Truth does need to be told at times especially from others who have been there. And even if he hates you for you telling his family etc, its not your problem. He is not your problem. You can love him from afar, take care of yourself.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have my regular counseling appointment tomorrow - I will be going and discuss this with my counselor.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> I understand you're upset. But people here are trying to help you and surely you do know people are not always gonna sugarcoat things to save your feelings. Truth does need to be told at times especially from others who have been there. And even if he hates you for you telling his family etc, its not your problem. He is not your problem. You can love him from afar, take care of yourself.


I'm not upset with you guys and I don't mind the bluntness or the truth, even if I don't want to hear it or face it, if I did - I wouldn't have put this out here on TAM.

I put it out here for that reason. I needed support, advice, input, etc.

I just need everyone to understand that if you HAVE NOT been in a situation where your husband, out of no where, beat the crap out of you, then you can offer advice as to what you would do, make suggestions for resources to look at, etc., but you truly don't know how I feel.

I agree - he had no right to beat me up regardless of the reason. 

I agree - he probably went for my head to do the most damage.

I agree - he is out of control and has some serious issues.

I agree - I shouldn't stay - but I can't just walk away just yet.

I agree - His doctor's need to know the whole truth to properly treat him.

But,

I don't agree - he needs to be in jail - this will not help his mental issues and could make them worse.

I don't agree - that this one episode is an indicator of things to come based on his brain injury.

I don't agree - that I should just bail on him, I'm not made of this type of cloth, whether right or wrong, this is not who I am.

I don't agree - that he's a monster, not in the least. Does he have some serious issues he needs to deal with, yes, but he's not a monster.

So with that said, I appreciate all the support and advice, even those I don't agree with. You are more than welcome to be harsh and brunt and brutally honest - that's great.

But just remember...until you've lived my life and walked a mile in my shoes, then you don't really know how hard this is. You can only say what you "would do" in the same situation, but a lot of people don't "do" what they thought they would when faced with situations like this (just like the previous poster).

Thanks again for the support - I am okay physically (just roughed up), emotionally I'm on a pretty even keel today considering I was a wreck last night. Maybe I've come to the conclusion that what will be, will be - who knows!

Again - thanks everyone (even those I don't agree with), and big hugs back to you guys too.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I completely understand. However, there are SOME who have walked in your shoes and been where you have, so chances are thats where their advice/suggestions are coming from. (Hugs)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm not upset with you guys and I don't mind the bluntness or the truth, even if I don't want to hear it or face it, if I did - I wouldn't have put this out here on TAM.
> 
> I put it out here for that reason. I needed support, advice, input, etc.
> 
> ...



See you can stand up for yourself. Well done.

Bob


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, MWIL....what did you tell the people at the emergency room last night to explain your injuries?

Did they do a domestic violence screen or interview with you there?


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## jenaa (Dec 3, 2010)

I don't think for a second it's easy, or that I could never wind up in your situation. Many, many women do, through no fault of their own. I don't think he's a monster. Your wanting to protect him is very typical. I think if people are being really blunt, it's because they're scared that you'll protect him to the point where you wind up dead. And then he will go to jail.
This stuff is common but not easy at all!!! What you have to do is clear, I know it's easy for an outsider to say.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Just out of curiosity, MWIL....what did you tell the people at the emergency room last night to explain your injuries?
> 
> Did they do a domestic violence screen or interview with you there?


I told them that I was beat up. They asked by who and I refused to answer. They asked again and I told them it didn't matter by who, I just wished to be checked out. They, along with the police, told me it would help if I told them the truth, but I told them I didn't have to and I wasn't going to, either treat me or don't.

They didn't like it, but they shut up and treated me.

And whether anyone agrees I was right or wrong, this is the decision I made and I am comfortable with it. 

A detective from the police department called me today to see how things were going. I did tell her that other things happened last night that I did not report to the police and that I wasn't going to do so because I thought it would make things worse. She replied, I understand, if you don't want to tell us, you don't have to, we just want to make sure you are safe.

I will tell his doctors because they have to keep that confidential, and they will have the whole story so they can treat him properly.

I did the right thing for ME - ME - ME. This is what I thought was right and what I could live with.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

I feel that life experience has not given me the wisdom to offer any great advice and it seems as though advice is pretty covered already. I do want to extend to you a hug and some comfort. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation. Because of my mental illlness if my husband so much as yells at me I ball up and freak out. The only real connection I have is when my father was drunk one night and tried to convince me to leave my husband and when I stood up for myself and him he screamed, disowned me, and pushed me. But enough about me...

I can understand how you feel, not wanting to leave him. There is a threat that he will repeat this again, make no mistake, but even with that threat, I can see myself still wanting to stay. This man is ill, and I am a nurturer at heart so I would want to see him helped and help him if I could (again if I were in your shoes). I didn't read all of the responses, so if this was already covered I apologize, but he probably won't stay in jail long. Probably for a night until he can be 5150'd and then will be put in a mental hospital until he is no longer a threat to himself or anyone. I don't know if that is at all comforting, but there it is.

I am so sorry for the terrible ordeal that you experienced last night. I wish I had better words to offer comfort or advice. I wish you well and hope that your husband get's the help he needs.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You might want to check out some of the resources for people in your situation. I know you feel like the way of it is uniquely complicated, but it is not.

I randomly searched online and found these links that could be useful. 

Virginia Domestic Violence Resources - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection

Safe Harbor

The Laurel Center


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> You might want to check out some of the resources for people in your situation. I know you feel like the way of it is uniquely complicated, but it is not.
> 
> I randomly searched online and found these links that could be useful.
> 
> ...


Thanks - you're a sweetie! I'll check them out.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't judge you at all. I think you are doing the best you can in the situation you're in. In fact, you're doing far better than I would. 

As long as he is getting help and is away from you, I think this is great. 

My only concern would be that if it was repeated he could hurt you far worse. If he feels he can get away with it he is more likely to repeat it, no? I'm not sure, you're the only one that knows him and your relationship but either way I'm here for support point blank. I know for a fact I can't possibly understand all the emotions and up's and down's you are going through.

I am thankful you went to the ER to get help and hope you heal quickly and your husband gets the help he truly needs.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I told them that I was beat up. They asked by who and I refused to answer. They asked again and I told them it didn't matter by who, I just wished to be checked out. They, along with the police, told me it would help if I told them the truth, but I told them I didn't have to and I wasn't going to, either treat me or don't.
> 
> They didn't like it, but they shut up and treated me.
> 
> ...


Actually, I completely understand that there are a lot of factors involved beyond the relative legality of the assault itself. I was just going to point out that once an assault (of any kind--family, bar fight, whatever) is reported and investigated, the charges aren't yours to press, it's the decision of the DA. 

I'd also point out, that given the extremely unique circumstances with your husband, it wouldn't necessarily be a given that jail would be a foregone conclusion. It could be very likely that given the combination of the TBI and mental issues, that it was a first offense and his willingness to seek help on his own, that any sentencing could involve treatment and probation rather than incarceration. 

Not that you need to turn around and change your choice, like you've said, none of us can really know all the history that factors into your decision. It's so much more complex when it's someone that promised to love you and cherish you always. I can't imagine how much harder it would be to make these decisions with so many health factors etc. involved. You really are the only one who knows what's best for you and your family and you have to just move forward the best way you know how as you go. 

And while sure, everyone has an opinion about what you should do, just please know that we all offer them because we're concerned and because YOU are the one we "know" and care about. So while your first priority may be your husband, understand too that YOU are OUR first priority and that the things we say are always going to reflect that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I don't judge you at all. I think you are doing the best you can in the situation you're in. In fact, you're doing far better than I would.
> 
> As long as he is getting help and is away from you, I think this is great.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Actually, I completely understand that there are a lot of factors involved beyond the relative legality of the assault itself. I was just going to point out that once an assault (of any kind--family, bar fight, whatever) is reported and investigated, the charges aren't yours to press, it's the decision of the DA.
> 
> I'd also point out, that given the extremely unique circumstances with your husband, it wouldn't necessarily be a given that jail would be a foregone conclusion. It could be very likely that given the combination of the TBI and mental issues, that it was a first offense and his willingness to seek help on his own, that any sentencing could involve treatment and probation rather than incarceration.
> 
> ...


Very well said and very comforting. Thank you!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

major misfit said:


> OMfreakinG. I can't believe my eyes. I am SO SORRY that this happened to you. This man is not your husband. You can't take the risk that next time he might try to kill you....WHILE YOU SLEEP. This would be the proverbial straw, and I hope it is for your sake.
> 
> I'm so glad to see that you're going to the ER. You may need documentation of your injuries for more than one reason. If you're going to try to have him committed, say. It's harder than one realizes to have someone EOD'd. Been there, done that. Someone has to be a danger to themselves or others. That he's driving around drunk may not be enough. I hope the cops where you live are VERY VERY smart. My daughter was suicidal and I couldn't get her EOD'd (emergency order of detention).
> 
> My heart goes out to you. I so hope you're ok. As far as starting over at 50? It might be the best thing you could do for yourself. That's not to say you have to abandon him per se, but make arrangements for another type of care. But you can't stay there. It's just not safe anymore. OMG I'm so sorry. *gentle hugs*


:iagree:

For the first time, I'm speechless

I am very sorry hon ::hugs::


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> hi---
> glad your back....glad your ok.
> im also glad your husband turned himself in.
> im glad you didnt have to face him last nite.
> ...


I'm already in counselling and have my appt tomorrow and I will discuss this with my counselor who also happens to be his counselor.

I don't know about any sessions together right now. He does want me to come see him in the hospital tonight and I'm going so that I can see for myself he's okay. I don't know what he will say and what's going to happen from here. 

But I am calmer today (just sore) and I have already forgiven him. Forgotten no, forgiven yes - that wasn't my husband last night - it may have looked like him, but it wasn't him.

If he needs to leave I've decided to let him go. I would like to work things out but with clear boundaries first, but I may not get the chance. He may have already made his decision and if so, I will support it.

I love him, but with all the changes due to his brain injury, I'm not sure I'm the person he needs or wants anymore. I was before, but I may not be now - I can accept that if that's what it takes. I love him enough to let him go and get better and be with someone who might fit him better at this stage of his life. I can't believe I actually said that out loud - I've been thinking it, but was too scared to admit it to anyone - I don't want to be without him and I don't want to be alone, but it might be best - we'll see, too much to do with his treatment to work out what we are going to do from here yet.

I'll let you know how my visit goes and what he says - I think I'm at least owed an apology for getting the s*** beat out of me, regardless of my part in anything. I'm not sure I'll get it. If I don't, that just might be my deal breaker...tonight will tell.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

chefmaster said:


> :iagree:
> 
> For the first time, I'm speechless
> 
> I am very sorry hon ::hugs::


Not you - speechless!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> but he's a danger to himself and others right now and they need to keep him,


At least make up a better story then that so the doctors know that he can be violent. If you wish to protect him and you've made your decision that's fine, but they need to know the extent of his condition.

Sorry but you're a nice person, what happened is just... troubling to say the least.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> If he needs to leave I've decided to let him go. I would like to work things out but with clear boundaries first, but I may not get the chance. He may have already made his decision and if so, I will support it.


Could I make a suggestion? Either way things go, I would really suggest that you both work with your counselor and with the VA folks on creating some boundaries. That way they're presented by "authority" figures that can also help keep him accountable as well as help make sure that they're reasonable for him to maintain. I say either way things go because even if he's decided to leave, you'll still need to have interactions while that's going on and it would probably be a good idea to have that structure in place.



> I love him, but with all the changes due to his brain injury, I'm not sure I'm the person he needs or wants anymore. I was before, but I may not be now - I can accept that if that's what it takes. I love him enough to let him go and get better and be with someone who might fit him better at this stage of his life. I can't believe I actually said that out loud - I've been thinking it, but was too scared to admit it to anyone - *I don't want to be without him and I don't want to be alone*, but it might be best - we'll see, too much to do with his treatment to work out what we are going to do from here yet.


While you're turning all of this over and over in your mind, I'd just throw one more thing out for you to consider as well. When it comes right down to it, I'd say that you've been "without him" for a long time now. He's had so much of his own trauma and injury going on that he hasn't been the man you married in most, if not every way for quite a while. And even if you haven't exactly been the only resident of your home during that time, you've had to take on a lot of things that would have been split between the two of you under more ideal circumstances. So while it may have been a burden you didn't mind taking up, you've been doing just fine with it all. So while there is certainly a relationship to grieve, I think you've already been doing really well on those couple of things at least.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> At least make up a better story then that so the doctors know that he can be violent. If you wish to protect him and you've made your decision that's fine, but they need to know the extent of his condition.
> 
> Sorry but you're a nice person, what happened is just... troubling to say the least.


I have told his doctors what happened (with the exception of he beating).

I have decided to tell his doctors about the assault if he has not already. If he doesn't tell them the whole truth, then how can he possibly get the right treatment? And if HE doesn't tell them the whole truth then that tells me that he really doesn't want help. At this point what does he have to lose - he already did the worse thing he could to do me, and he already told me last night that we were through, so what does he have to worry about - I haven't and will not tell the police and I'm not pressing charges. So if he truly wants to change and get help, he'll volunteer and tell his doctors the whole truth himself about last night, I won't have to.

We'll see. I'm nervous about seeing him tonight after what happened, not scared, just nervous - its sort of like having to face the person in court who assaulted you - just lots of feelings and thoughts running through my head.

I don't know if I'm scared he'll say we're through again when he gets out of there, I don't know if I'm scared that he won't acknowledge what he did and say he's sorry, I don't know if I'm nervous about what I should say or not say - I don't intend to rehash last night at all. In fact, I'm not even bringing up the assault unless he does first - what good would that do now in that setting.

I don't know if he'll want me to visit after tonight, I am going to ask him if he wants me to come again or not and let that be his decision and not force anything on him.

So, we'll see.

I'm about to sign off, I got things together to take to him and I've arranged to try and see his doctor first before she goes off shift. The hospital told me they also try to have a family session - boy that ought to be fun, wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall for that!

I'll update later when I get home.

Thanks again everyone - you've really made me feel better today - I had someone (or someone's - not really a word) to bounce things off of, that helps a lot.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually I have been in your shoes and do completely understand where you're coming from. Given the circumstances, I can also see that you've thought out your decisions and done what you thought was best for your specific instance. I have to also honestly say that in some ways I don't disagree with you. I highly doubt that being in jail right now would be of any help to him--jail tends to HARM people not heal them. 

My only concerns on your decision involve two things: one is that when a crime is committed, the person who DID the crime is responsible for restitution for the crime they committed. Now he can never "make it up to you" for beating you up--that's clear and that's not what I mean. But that behavior is "criminal" for a reason, and it's not because you are being a meanie--it's because society at large has determined that one person physically assaulting another person is not okay! So that would be one reason to report it--so that it's not You v Him regarding "restitution" but rather "society at large" telling him that even if he does have PTSD and a brain injury, it's not okay to beat your wife and if you do, here's what we (the society) will do to you. Make sense? Now you should know that I generally do not like or trust cops or the court systems, not because "cops are evil" (I suspect they do the best they can) but rather because the system is so messed up now that there isn't really justice. 

Next, you may want to report it for documentation type reasons. For example, if you two do separate and he continues without treatment and becomes dangerous to you...you may need a restraining order. If you report it, you would have documentation of a violent event that occurred previously. Likewise if you reconcile and he suddenly discontinues his meds and you find you DO have to call the police to save yourself from being killed, it would be to their advantage to see there have been previous incidents of violence...again so they can better serve and protect. 

Sooooo..all things considered I think you sound sane and pretty rational, your decisions do make some sense and are probably/possibly in his better interest--but ultimately his docs do need to know so they can treat him best, and at some point maybe in the nearer future (like in a week maybe) you'll probably want to make a report just so it's at least "documented" ... just in case, for the future.


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## Rough Draft Marriage (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow...


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

While you are 'protecting' him....who's protecting you?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I have told his doctors what happened (with the exception of he beating).
> 
> I have decided to tell his doctors about the assault if he has not already. If he doesn't tell them the whole truth, then how can he possibly get the right treatment? And if HE doesn't tell them the whole truth then that tells me that he really doesn't want help. At this point what does he have to lose - he already did the worse thing he could to do me, and he already told me last night that we were through, so what does he have to worry about - I haven't and will not tell the police and I'm not pressing charges. So if he truly wants to change and get help, he'll volunteer and tell his doctors the whole truth himself about last night, I won't have to.


I can see what you're saying here, and this does give him the opportunity to take responsibility for himself. Just bear in mind that YOU telling the truth is not the same as taking responsibility for his stuff. Whether he has PTSD or a brain injury or not..he's responsible for making sure he is not violent with you. You are not. Okay? But yeah it will be interesting to see if he told them what he did, and it will tell you some information about where he's at with himself. 



> We'll see. I'm nervous about seeing him tonight after what happened, not scared, just nervous - its sort of like having to face the person in court who assaulted you - just lots of feelings and thoughts running through my head.
> 
> I don't know if I'm scared he'll say we're through again when he gets out of there, I don't know if I'm scared that he won't acknowledge what he did and say he's sorry, I don't know if I'm nervous about what I should say or not say - I don't intend to rehash last night at all. In fact, I'm not even bringing up the assault unless he does first - what good would that do now in that setting.


I can understand how you'd be nervous and I do "get it" that the personality that beat you up is not the husband at least who you once knew. It is conceivable that this is who he has become (or is becoming) though, and that the husband you once knew died with the brain injury. Anyway, I would think some civility, deliver the items he needs (clothing, etc.) speak as little as possible, and then get out of there would be in order. I would not expect any apology or explanation about last night--my guess is he doesn't have one because there is no reason that is acceptable! Same for whether you are "through" or not--I don't think he gets to make that decision for you anymore. Now that he has put you in this position of fearing for your physical safety, I think you are going to have to decide that in order to protect your own safety you'll need to be apart until he can demonstrate an enormous change in behavior consistently for about a year. This choice is not his to make--it's YOURS. 



> I don't know if he'll want me to visit after tonight, I am going to ask him if he wants me to come again or not and let that be his decision and not force anything on him.


Just see above, and bear in mind that as someone who's been abused physically--and emotionally and verbally before that--you are probably so intertwined with him that it's not healthy. I would probably recommend something like, "While you are here in this facility I see you are well taken care of and I will be taking some time for myself to heal physically but also to think about what I want to do and make some decisions for myself. So for the next 3-4 days I won't be contacting you or coming to visit because I need time to heal emotionally too." 

Then actually take the next few days apart from him. I know that NO PART OF YOU wants to even consider how you could possibly do this, but trust me when I say that is part of the "abuse victim" portion of your head thinking that. The other part of you needs to kick in now that does what is wise in order to protect yourself. You are a smart, competent, caring, attractive woman and I have faith in you that you not only could survive without him, I have faith in you that you would have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life! Yes it can feel a little like starting over, but in a way it's more like a flower blooming: in order to really blossom a flower has to not hold onto those petal so tight and let go and let them open! 

So take some time for you. Maybe take vacation from work even and figure out what you are going to do and WHY...and take the time to find a support group for abused women (who have been there--done that)...and take the time to pamper yourself a little. Let yourself think of "What if we do separate? What might I do?" because right now it's just thinking of alternatives (like brainstorming what it might be like). And MWIL I *know* you can do this!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay everyone, I got it, I got it, I got it.
> 
> I will tell his doctor's that he beat me up. OK!!!


Hugs, hugs, hugs! What a hard time you are getting from every which way!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

These posts have to be hard to read. I know you know that everyone is just concerned about you, and your safety. I'm concerned about your husband as well, but he's not the one with a slight concussion and lumps on his head. He's definitely got some issues. I'm just wondering if after the TBI, this is what you're going to be left with. A changed man. A man who isn't the husband you married. If that's the case, I hope you can truly accept that and not let it make you feel worse about yourself, b/c it isn't about you. It really isn't. 
Life has really dealt y'all a hard blow, and that totally sucks. I'm really, really sorry about that. *hugs*


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - update. But before I start, some of you are not going to be happy with my decisions and that's okay. For those that don't - please know that I appreciate your concern and have really benefitted from the support - it has really helped me. But I am doing what is not only best for myself but for my husband also.

I spent 3 hours visiting him tonight at the hospital. I was nervous, not scared, but a little nervous. He was genuinely happy to see me, was well groomed, calm and seemed to be in control of himself - definitely a different person from last night.

He asked me how I was feeling and if I was alright (good), he then apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt me (good). He could tell I was nervous and asked me why. I told him it wasn't because I was scared of him, though I was scared last night but that I was nervous about seeing him after what happened, he understood.

I asked him if he had spoken with his doctors and did he tell them what happened last night. He said he told them all he could remember, there were parts he couldn't. He told them I touched him, he hit me twice, then left the house and drove to the hospital because he was out of control and knew something was wrong. This is actually the truth, I found out tonight that when he left me last night he did drive straight to the hospital and admitted himself voluntarily.

He then asked me what happened because he couldn't remember everything. I told him and he did not remember that he kicked me, he did not remember that he threw the beer can at me and he did not know that he hit me several times. He was actually dismayed and upset to learn that he had beaten on me, not just hit me twice. He asked me again if I was feeling okay. I told him yes, but that my head was sore as I had several large lumps from where he hit me. I asked him why he kept hitting me just on the head and he didn't remember just hitting me on the head and didn't know why.

He said he didn't mean it, never meant to hurt me and thought last night after he left that he thought we should break up because he lost control and it scared him. I asked him if he still thought that and he said he hadn't had a chance to think about it again and I said well, then maybe that's good. This is how I feel, right or wrong.

I told him that I did not deserve what I got last night, but after reflection I could see that I misread his mood and while it wasn't intentional and not my fault he blew up, that I did trigger the outburst when I touched him (and I did, whether I meant to or not). But that I didn't deserve what I got and he agreed.

He told his doctors that he did have an alcohol problem and has agreed to enter rehab after he is discharged (good).

He will also begin more frequent counseling, I will continue mine and we will be attending family counseling together.

I am staying with him for now. He is truly remorseful, he said so and it was on his face. He told me he doesn't know how he is going to live with what he's done and I told him that therapy will help and he'll have to work it out and I'll help where I can.

For those still concerned, I know what an abuser looks like and feels like - I was married to one for 5 years in my younger days. And he hit me regularly, threw things at me, pushed me, broke my finger, slugged me in the face, etc. So I know what an abuser looks like - I've been there, I have no intentions on being there again.

My husband is not one. We've been together 27 years total and I have managed to royally piss him off on numerous occasions during those years and he has never, ever raised his hand to me or threatened me until last night. You don't just pop up one night and decide for the hell of it after 27 years to beat the s*** out of your wife.

I've met with his doctors and they believe he had a psychotic break with what they term is a walking blackout, hence the reason he can't remember everything exactly. They have pinned it on a medication issue involving Paxil and they are re-reviewing his meds and will be establishing a new treatment plan and individual and joint counseling and getting him into rehab. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks last year in a psych hospital due to a medication issue which resulted in a paranoid psychotic break - he didn't hit me then.

So, for me, there are some positives tonight:

1. He has accepted total responsibility for what he did last night.
2. He told the truth to his doctors and admitted he beat me up.
3. He took himself to the hospital and admitted himself because he knew there were problems.
4. He has expressed his concern that I'm okay.
5. He has apologized for what he did.
6. He has agreed to enter rehab for his alcohol problem.
7. He is agreeable to continued counseling individually and jointly.

So - regardless of what happened, I think he deserves a pat on the back for manning up so to speak.

And for me, I'm going to continue counseling, my PTSD support group and also seek out more information/training on how to deal with his TBI so that I can help him and myself.

And last but not least - when he tells me to leave him alone - I'm getting the hell away from him! HA HA HA (I just had to add some humor).

Thanks again to everyone, come on with the feedback, good or bad. 

I will keep everyone posted on what happens when he gets home.

Love and hugs to you all!!!!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't know what can happen when you mix antidepressants with alcohol, all I know is you're not supposed to. I'm really glad to hear he's going to rehab. I think that you've got a good plan laid out for what you want to accomplish...which is to stay in your marriage and help your husband. I so hope things go according to plan!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I don't know what can happen when you mix antidepressants with alcohol, all I know is you're not supposed to. I'm really glad to hear he's going to rehab. I think that you've got a good plan laid out for what you want to accomplish...which is to stay in your marriage and help your husband. I so hope things go according to plan!


Me too, but I don't know if I don't try and he is willing to also.

But I will keep my eyes open (and my head covered).


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Me too, but I don't know if I don't try and he is willing to also.
> 
> But I will keep my eyes open (and my head covered).


And for cryin' out loud...if he dares you to hit him with that look on his face...DON'T HIT HIM!!!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Glad to hear you're still ok and your visit went ok. Also glad about the rehab thing! You and him both will have to work on yourselves! Just one day at a time!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> And for cryin' out loud...if he dares you to hit him with that look on his face...DON'T HIT HIM!!!!


No s***! 

Me and my head learned a very valuable lesson last night...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Glad to hear you're still ok and your visit went ok. Also glad about the rehab thing! You and him both will have to work on yourselves! Just one day at a time!


Thanks, I agree - nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Keeping my fingers crossed!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think it's great that everything went so well and that you guys have worked out a plan to move forward. It sounds like a path you're both comfortable with.

I know I touched on it before, but I would still think about doing a couple of things.

First, simply because you now know that your husband CAN black out and react this way, I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you to spend some time thinking about a safety plan for yourself in case things escalate again. Think about rooms in your house that you could get to and lock a door, or how you could get out of the house and where you could go. Just like the fire drills and stuff in school, have "what you would do if...." thought out.

Second, I'm sure it's been mentioned, but also look into Al-Anon groups for yourself while he's in rehab. They can be a great resource in helping you walk that line and support him in getting better rather than enabling him and are practically experts on the subject of co-dependency that got mentioned earlier.

Again, I'm glad that things went so well. I hope things continue this way for you both--


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I think it's great that everything went so well and that you guys have worked out a plan to move forward. It sounds like a path you're both comfortable with.
> 
> I know I touched on it before, but I would still think about doing a couple of things.
> 
> ...


Great idea - you are so smart, I didn't even think of that. I will definitely work out a secret "get the hell out of dodge" plan, just in case.

Al-Anon might be good too - I'll see if we have a chapter close.

I'm willing to help wherever I can and i do realize i might have a bit (well, maybe more) co-dependency on my husband.

Thanks for the good advice.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Just one teensy-weensy thing, and then I'm going to shut up...(well, not shut up, but you know what I mean)...if you have any guns in the house, please take them to a safe place. I'm from the "better safe than sorry" generation, lol.....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Just one teensy-weensy thing, and then I'm going to shut up...(well, not shut up, but you know what I mean)...if you have any guns in the house, please take them to a safe place. I'm from the "better safe than sorry" generation, lol.....


Already did that this morning, see I do have some sense.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like that was the best outcome anyone could really hope for! I am very glad things turned out positively for you. I hope that he follows his commitments and that nothing like this ever has to happen again.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Confused Love said:


> Sounds like that was the best outcome anyone could really hope for! I am very glad things turned out positively for you. I hope that he follows his commitments and that nothing like this ever has to happen again.


Thanks - me too - I only have one head and I'd like to keep it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Find out if the psychotic break described to you is an official diagnosis with a specific cause and effect by his doctors.

And further, how to protect yourself and identify symptoms.

Ask about likelihood off more episodes.

Btw, throw out all the booze in the house. Search for it. He has hiding places.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> Find out if the psychotic break described to you is an official diagnosis with a specific cause and effect by his doctors.
> 
> And further, how to protect yourself and identify symptoms.
> 
> ...


#1 - have, specific cause (Paxil) and effect as dictated to me by his doctor today.

#2 - this I was already working on in a PTSD support group and counselling with a neuro-psychologist - but I need more and will be researching more options tomorrow - I'm off work for obvious reasons.

#3 - doctor said with meds re-worked and regulated and no alcohol to intensify the issues, the likelihood is small if he continues to take meds and follow treatment.

#4 - booze already gone, I knew where his hiding place was already - I'm smarter than he thinks i am.

Thanks - you're always on the mark and of great support to me - I appreciate it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm impressed MWIL, it's good that he has accepted responsibility for what he did. I would get him off the booze however, but that's just me.

Some folks are happy and friendly drunks, others can be violent, others can be flirty and sexual and they won't remember a thing (until reminded)...


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Yay! I'm glad things went well for you so far. Since my husband is an alcoholic and is in AA, just be sure that you are aware, ( and I'm sure you are or they will inform you of this during counseling) I'm not sure how long he will be inpatient before he comes home, but be aware of possible withdrawals, which SOMETIMES can send people into a rage, and so can it if he goes to look for his alcohol and its gone. Be prepared just in case on how to handle that just incase that were to happen. Take baby steps and things one day at a time. It also wouldn't hurt to prepare and have a back up plan incase something like this ever happens again.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And last but not least - when he tells me to leave him alone - I'm getting the hell away from him! HA HA HA (I just had to add some humor).


Ha! Actually when I volunteered at a battered woman's shelter many years ago, they would work with women who could not leave their abusive spouses for whatever reason. They would help them make safety plans like a safe place to barricade themselves and whatnot. They bring a bunch of experience and may be able to help you with a plan. Trust me when I tell you that alcohol addiction is not overcome overnight and he WILL slip. A plan is a handy thing to have in the heat of a crisis.



> Thanks again to everyone, come on with the feedback, good or bad.
> 
> I will keep everyone posted on what happens when he gets home.
> 
> Love and hugs to you all!!!!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> just wanted to drop by and say hey..hey.
> glad your feelin a little better.
> you seem stronger tonite.
> 
> ...


I have cappuccino if anyone's interested.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ive been thinking about you, mwil... 
Hope you are doing okay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll have a cappuccino! Here's to MWIL


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Been reading your thread - hope things are getting better...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for their "OUTSTANDING SUPPORT" and concern for me, you don't know how much you have helped me.

For those that have PM'd me, thanks again - you have no idea how comforting it is to have people truly care about you that haven't even met you - I am so glad I found this site and I am truly blessed that there are a great bunch of people on here - your support this week has really changed my outlook on life.

Update:

Hubby was released from the hospital back to home last night. We had a family meeting with his psychiatrist and set-up the treatment plan. He will be attending outpatient alcohol rehab counseling and is on the medication that helps with withdrawal and cravings. They have reworked his meds and I am weaning him off a couple and they have stopped one and increased another.

Even though he does attend a weekly PTSD support group, they are going to set up one-on-one counseling with an expert with PTSD. We will be continuing individual counseling and martial counseling.

When he got home last night he again told me that he was "sorry." In the 26 years we've been together he has never said the words "I'm sorry." He's the type of person that expresses when he is wrong in different ways - so I was really surprised to hear him say the actual words "I'm sorry." I know how difficult this was for him.

He also asked me again today how my head was. So he is thinking and worrying about how I am. He was pretty stressed today and told me that it wasn't my fault, he was having a hard time dealing with what he had done. He told me that he wouldn't be surprised if I was scared of him and that I had a right to be after what had happened. While somewhere deep inside of me I might be scared, I really don't feel scared - I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know while that was him hitting me, it really wasn't.

We did spend time together today in town shopping and running errands. He was stressed and spent some time in the car while I shopped as he apparently wasn't ready to deal with the crowds, which he admitted. 

For the first time in a long time, he did approach me and reach for me earlier for some intimacy together. And, he actually touched me below the waist and seemed concerned that I was having a good time too - that hasn't happened in a long time.

And...no booze!

So while I know we have a long road ahead, I do feel better (emotionally), the more that time goes by the more my head feels sorer (I know that's not a real word). I guess all the trauma to it is settling in.

I did find some fingerprint bruises inside my right arm and it was sore yesterday, I didn't notice that before, so I guess he grabbed my arm during the incident, but I don't remember it. 

I have told him all that happened (what was said and what happened), so he knows everything - but he doesn't remember most of it. 

But, I know we'll get through this and I am so looking forward to a better 2011. I know I'm going to try my hardest and thus far, he is putting in the effort too. I did let him know that drinking was no longer an option - while I know it is not the actual cause of his issues, it does make them worse and I let him know that the drinking is not really good for him and he agrees.

He wants to get in better shape - he has gained a lot of weight due to depression and his medication, and we purchased a treadmill and weight center today and he is going to set them up and get himself in better shape. 

Also, for the first time in a long time, he won't be sitting in the recliner, drinking and watching TV tomorrow, he already has the day planned out to work in the yard, set-up his treadmill and weight center, etc. So that is encouraging - he hasn't done more than go to appointments at the VA and drink for a few weeks now.

Again - thanks everyone, I couldn't have gotten through this week as well as I did without you.

I will keep you updated as things progress and let you know how it's going. 

Happy New Year!!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MWIL..thank you for the update. You've been on my mind all day. My heart is warmed by how encouraged you sound. I so hope everything work out the way you want them to. It's time for something good for you BOTH.

Here's hoping that 2011 is the best year yet!! Happy New Year!


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## fatiguedfatherof4 (Apr 28, 2011)

Nothing and I mean NOTHING pisses me off more than a male (cant call him a man) who beats up a woman. I have a 13 y/o daughter and I dont like to think about what I would do to her future husband if he even looked at her in an angry way.
I have experience in this dept only it is in reverse. My wife used to get to "working me over" when things didnt go how she demanded they go. Now, I'm a big guy, almost 8 years in Judo and 10 years in the steel industry, I can take a fair amount of pain to say the least, but when she began the physical abuse it totally f***ed me up inside. I wept, actually wept, not from her hitting me but because I had nowhere to turn, I'm 6ft 2 and 265 lbs.... who the hell is gonna take me seriously? To make a long story short, we worked through it and things are nothing like they were back then.
I wasnt worried about her doing physical damage to me, it was more psychological than anything. You get guys saying, "if she's gonna hit me like a man then I'm gonna hit her like one too!" Really!?
Thats sad.
MWIL, PLEASE, PLEASE protect yourself in some way if you decide to stay. Take a self defense class, say you're worried about muggers or whatever, just dont tell him its "in case you go hands on with me again, as**le!" PLEASE, dear, you seem like a very sincere, caring and loving wife and I'd hate to hear that one day he went too far, like either seriously injuring you or (God forbid) worse. It dont take much to get an aggressive drunk coming at you off balance... once they are down you can learn MANY ways to buy yourself some time to get out and away before he gets up. 
Please just do something to make youself better prepared to deal with him in order to survive!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Back in the old country we had 'ways' of dealing with guys who beat up our women, daughters, sisters, mothers. A kind of applied genetic engineering.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I have read a good portion of this thread and my heart goes out to Op.

I hope you can figure out what you need to do. 

Stay safe!


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## kati (Nov 9, 2010)

I know this is a little late in the game to post here, but I just read this forum. I don't understand how love makes us so crazy with blinders, but I know it does. If it did come down to you leaving, it could not be worse than being beaten like that. What if he had given you brain damage? Or paralyzed you? Where would you be then? Being 50 years old means you still have many years of potential happiness ahead you, not years of this abuse behind you. Literally, there a billions of people out there. I think the odds of finding love are pretty good. I know you are alright now, but are you really? This is a seriously deep cut, I am sure.... My prayers are with you.




MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm considering charges (I haven't told the police he beat me up yet), but I don't want to cause more trouble than there already is. I'm still trying to protect him like I always have.
> 
> I don't have anywhere to go (I'm not from this area), so no family.
> 
> ...


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