# Advice needed



## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Cell phone and Facebook has ruined my marriage. I need advice. Short version, I have been married 10 years. I love my wife and i believe she loves me. She is addicted to her cell phone and Facebook. I caught her sexting about a year ago. Things have spiraled out of control since. Just this last week i searched for a female on facebook and my wife found this. She went off the deep end, saying i don't love her. Im not attracted to her anymore, i think she's ugly, and thinks i have the hots for this chick. I admitted that i searched for this woman because i knew her in high school and found her attractive. BIG MISTAKE!! I thought honesty would be the right move but it wasn't. My huge problem is, my wife has over 500 friends on Facebook, half of them dudes. I never say anything to her about this. But i did bring this up in the argument and her response was-I'm not attracted to them. I do not have a Facebook account, by the way, in part because i detest what it has created in my marriage. Is my search any worse than her page full of befriended dudes that she communicates with more than me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Two wrongs don't make it right. You BOTH need to focus on your marriage if you want it to work, and stop focusing on who has been more wrong. Perhaps start with "Not Just Friends" and marriage counselling. If one or both of you isn't willing to do the hard work to rebuild your marriage, it doesn't have much of a chance. 

C


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Thank you for your feedback. I agree. I have offered on multiple occasions to go to marriage counseling, but my wife refuses, and i'm not sure why. I admitted to her that her sexting ordeal that i caught her in about a year ago has caused major damage. I don't trust her anymore. ANd instead of her wanting to rebuild our marriage after the sexting ordeal, she became more reclusive, almost like it was my fault. I love her, but the woman i know now is not the woman i fell in love with 10 years ago. Cell phones and Facebook have absolutely ruined what was once a marriage made in heaven.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its time to shake and bake.....both of you need to shut down face book period....

Your girl is addicted so she is going to take it hard.....

In fact if I was you I would do some spying and show her that she also finds her facebook guy friends attractive.

I bet if you look hard enough you can find that she is projecting and is in fact more then attracted to one if not more guys.

So in short gather the evidence that will show your girl why she needs to shut down face book to save her marriage.

Its time for you to go fast richybobby and start commanding respect.


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## rickybobby (Mar 18, 2014)

Right on. I guess i was too easy going about the whole facebook deal. I really didn't care about all the guy friends. Number one, because I am very confident in myself, and two, i know my wife is hot and i would probably want to be friends with her myself if i wasn't her husband. But i let it go too long, and lost sight of things. It's true, "If you ain't first, you're last".


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop blaming her for your choices. You had the choice of forcing the issue when you found out, and it doesn't justify you looking up other women you found attractive. 

Are her actions "more wrong" than yours? Possibly. But that doesn't make what you did ok either. 

Do you gave kids? Are you willing get to say "We fix this or end it"? 

C


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look at it this way...your wife is a mountain lion and you will have to face the fear of getting scratched by her. 

Sure you have a good chance of losing her when you stand up to her, but she has to truly believe she will also lose you if she continues.

She really is *cheating* you out of an emotionally healthy marriage by spending her energy chatting up other men and not you.

You have to get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Once she starts to second guess her choices she will continue.

Be prepared to be labeled controlling...but in the end it will be her choice to save her marriage and respect your boundaries or continue and be single.

Until she sees a confident man that is calm and collected and can let her go she will have no reason to stop.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rickybobby said:


> Cell phone and Facebook has ruined my marriage. I need advice. Short version, I have been married 10 years. I love my wife and i believe she loves me. She is addicted to her cell phone and Facebook. I caught her sexting about a year ago. Things have spiraled out of control since. Just this last week i searched for a female on facebook and my wife found this. *She went off the deep end, saying i don't love her. Im not attracted to her anymore, i think she's ugly, and thinks i have the hots for this chick. * I admitted that i searched for this woman because i knew her in high school and found her attractive. BIG MISTAKE!! I thought honesty would be the right move but it wasn't. My huge problem is, my wife has over 500 friends on Facebook, half of them dudes. I never say anything to her about this. But i did bring this up in the argument and her response was-I'm not attracted to them. I do not have a Facebook account, by the way, in part because i detest what it has created in my marriage. Is my search any worse than her page full of befriended dudes that she communicates with more than me?


I would not worry about who is worse. Just focus on solving the problem.

The bolded indicates she is insecure. I would talk to her about these insecurities, these fears. Ask her about them. When she responds, mostly just listen. Really listen. Try to understand her fears. 

If she is open to it, hold her hand and reassure her of your love and desire for her.

I agree with the guy that you should be calm and collected, but I would not think about leaving her. I think she is asking for your help. Mostly your reassurance.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

80 % chance.
Shes projecting cause she sexting again.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

rickybobby said:


> Thank you for your feedback. I agree. I have offered on multiple occasions to go to marriage counseling, but my wife refuses, and i'm not sure why. I admitted to her that her sexting ordeal that i caught her in about a year ago has caused major damage. I don't trust her anymore. ANd instead of her wanting to rebuild our marriage after the sexting ordeal, she became more reclusive, almost like it was my fault. I love her, but the woman i know now is not the woman i fell in love with 10 years ago. Cell phones and Facebook have absolutely ruined what was once a marriage made in heaven.


Of course, it's not cell phones or Facebook that are to blame for this. I am addicted to both and have never sexted. Doesn't sound like your wife was very justified in getting angry with you for looking up a girl when she was sexting with someone. You are both making mistakes. If she doesn't want counseling it seems like she does not want to work on the relationship. What has she proposed other than counseling to make things better?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Let's put some perspective here...you looked up a girl from high school that you found attractive, not cool but most here have done this at some point in their lives. She on the other hand has been caught sexting dude(s), please no comparision. You were honest with her and you told her you found someone else attractive while she has 250 male Facebook friends, they are her friends cause she finds them so interesting I am sure.
Demand she either deactivate the Facebook or start a joint one with you and if she has her cellphone pass word protected that has to stop yesterday.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> 80 % chance.
> Shes projecting cause she sexting again.


Where there is smoke there is fire.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your biggest mistake was when you caught her sexting on face book was not bringing the hammer down real hard and putting her on notice.

When you found out what she was doing, then the face book account should have been cancelled and made sure that she knew she was in real hot water with her.

Now she's making you out like the bad guy only to counter her bad behavior. If it was me, she would know that she's still in the dog house and if she keeps it up, then sh wont like the end result. I would let her know that you don't trust her and she better wake up real quick or it may be too late.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I learned the hard way man that there's two kinds of confidence: one is true confidence, the other is allowing yourself to be snowed over...

Please don't do what I did and fall for the latter. I did, and got knocked way off balance because of it.

My advice, FWIW:

#1, in my mind, what you did is not a huge deal and no where near sexting, so cut yourself some slack. One of the ways my wife manipulated the situation was by blowing little things I did out of proportion so she'd be off the hook on her stuff. Don't fall for it. Own it, but let it go.

#2 if her sexting isn't done for you, it's not done for your marriage an an issue. Don't let it drop until you're really done with it and convinced she is, too. Otherwise... well, let me just say I found out the otherwise the hard way.

#3 recommend you both take a social media/texting sabbatical. Say, a month. If someone needs you, they can pick up the damn phone.

#4 if she won't go to counselling, you go. Get your thoughts out somehow.


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