# I am attracted to my husband, but........



## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi! I am new to the group. I have been trying for a long time to figure out what my problem is. I am very attracted to my husband, and I often fantasize about having sex with him, but when the time comes, I don't feel comfortable doing it. I almost feel embarrassed about it. I don't even perform oral sex on him, because I feel like he will look at me differently. I know that he loves me but I just don't feel desirable at all even though he tells me that he thinks I am beautiful and he is super attracted to me. He gets an erection if he catches a glimpse of me walking around in a t-shirt and panties on. I just need some advice on how to let go and be more free with my husband. We have been married for six years and together for eight. Any advice is greatly appreciated!


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Im only guessing but it seems you were taught there is shame in sex. Those who taught you that did so to protect you and control your sexuality were wrong. You may need counseling to get past it but its sad you and your husband can not connect in that way.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

I can agree that I was taught there is shame in sex.....as a child, my mother told me that kissing was gross! Her exact words were, "kissing is gross, you are just swapping spit. You might as well open up your mouth and let somebody spit down your throat"! That has stuck with me all my life!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried taking small steps to open up more to him? 

Bye, he will look at you differently after oral sex. It's called a huge goofy smile and deep gratitude, just before he falls asleep.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

When you say small steps, what do you mean? I have performed oral sex on him in the past but I think I can count on one hand how many times (sad I know). I just know that I feel way too embarrassed about anything that has to do with sex! He does not really seem very understanding, but he tries to make me feel comfortable but he does not offer enough reassurance for me to feel completely comfortable.


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Have you tried taking small steps to open up more to him?
> 
> Bye, he will look at you differently after oral sex. It's called a huge goofy smile and deep gratitude, just before he falls asleep.


I would tend to think like this as well.

If you give him oral sex, he will be nothing but grateful (if he is an average guy). 

I would go as far to say he would be putty in your hands. Although I am not suggesting you should manipulate him, just trying to emphasize that he wouldn't look at you in a bad way.

Whether _you_ want to do it yourself is a different thing.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

In my mind, I fantasize about some of the wildest things, but in real life I am too stuck in my own head to do any of them! I just want to be able to fully please my husband. He would do ANYTHING I wanted and I want that to be reciprocated. I am just way embarrassed to even be naked in front of him, I will get naked but get under the covers, I prefer for the room to be totally dark, I don't want to talk about anything that has to do with sex with him! I am really at a loss and I just want to figure out how to get to the other side of this!


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

write him a letter


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Take small steps, but just do it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel.

Your attraction to each other is what makes this easy. Just think of how awkward it was to drive a car at first or have a first roommate.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

One of his biggest complaints is that I don't ever initiate sex.....I don't know how to initiate sex. I have no idea what to do! I would love to "just do it" but I have no idea where to even start! I have asked him what to do, and he said "figure it out" , for some reason he thinks I am supposed to just know this stuff! I am so lost right now!


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well my wife always wanted the lights turned off to.
I found out after we talked, that she believed she was no 
sexy after gaining 25lbs.This is over a 25 yr span.

She also believed her vagina was gross.
I told her she was so wrong in her views.

You need to let your walls down.
He is your husband and best friend.
A great sex life also makes your marriage
healthier and it's fun.

Even good girls, can be bad girls sometimes.


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## MattG254 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hey there! I'm a guy and I can tell you that if he's getting erect seeing you in a t-shirt and panties, then you don't have anything to worry about as far as pleasing him! Most guys are simpler and more straight-forward than girls! If he didn't like something, he would display OBVIOUS signs of it! Try for a day being BOLD and telling him EXACTLY how you feel. Trust me, he won't think any less of you if you tell him "Babe, am I sexy to you?" If he TELLS you that he thinks you are sexy...*HE TELLS YOU NO LIE!!!* Remember that it's GIRLS that fake orgasms...not guys! We aren't as cunning and sneaky! Just open up to him...the trick is that you CANNOT think about it! Don't sit there "planning" what you're going to say--this gives your brain much too much time to counter it and figure out 9347 reason why you can't tell him such things! As for performing oral on him...this is a way to REALLY get a guy to open up; honey trust me, your man will LOVE oral from you...even if YOU don't think you're "doing it right"! The porn industry has so perverted this epic act of love! I know with my wife, the only "bad" oral has something to do with the topic of teeth (lol)! Chances are that your hubby isn't a porn star and isn't "grading" your sexual performance!!! You're most likely right about thinking that he will see you differently though...HE WILL ADORE YOU FOR IT!!! There is NOTHING to be worried about. You can try taking small steps, but I think you should just be spontaneous!

As for the initiation of sex (this may be a tad bit graphic)...
when you're laying in bed, tell him how much you want him! Don't be afraid to talk dirty to him (I don't know if this affects you, but remember that not all dirty talk has to having swearing in it). You can also start rubbing your bum up against his member to signal a desire for sex. Another way would be to grab onto him (gently) and start playing with him when the two of you are lying next to each other. A great initiation is to wait until he's in bed and roll him onto his back and sit down on his nether regions! Another quick example would be to make out with him, and during this time, start tickling/playing with his testicles!

My best bit of advice to you is to RELAX! You seem like you get tense over it; don't! Sex (especially between a husband and wife) is supposed to be the height of pleasure! Think less in a "this is how you are supposed to do it" fashion and more in a "this feels right" way! I hope you are able to work this out well!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Teebler,

You both (you and Mr. Teebler) need to see a marriage counsellor specializing in sex matters. You obviously has lots of psychological blocks which prevents you from enjoying sex with your husband. If you do love your husband and wish to have a better marriage life, counselling is a good idea. Take him along so that he know you're making an effort to get better. He will appreciate your efforts when you finally could share all of your sexuality with him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You were probably raised to think sex is a bad thing, and thus are shy and reserved about it.

Most guys love sex and want it often.

Most guys require little to no foreplay.

If your hubby gets in the mood when seeing you in a T-shirt and panties (very hot), that's a good thing.

My advice is whenever you are in the mood, just initiate and take him where ever and whenever. Forget about the reservations and guilt because this is your husband and anything you do together is perfectly fine.

If you have fantasies, tell him and do them together.

Watch adult movies together.

Talk dirty......wear those sexy outfits more.

Wait for him in the shower before he gets up getting ready for work.

Try anal with him, or your feet. Many guys love this.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

You know the secret handshake thing works for my wife, the one where one hold hands but rub your finger on his palm. Very highschoolish I know, but discreet. It tells me my wife is thinking about sex and I take it from there. Just me, but I think men think they want their wives to initiate but really they just don't want to get rejected. Simple gesture like that gives him confidence. Obtw turn the lights on u don't know what u r missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am one of the elder statesmen of this board, and have had one of the richest sex lives anyone could imagine. I truly believe sex is one of the most wonderful gifts two people can give each other....And I can see your heart is in the right place. 

Any man would be humbled at the wonderful loving feelings you have for your husband......

At one time my wife was shy about my seeing her naked. 
On an impulse, I turned on the lights when she was nude and unable to cover herself....I think the look of awe on my face put her at ease. I am sure your husband will find you equally breathtaking...Trust me

Try dashing from the shower to the bed with the lights on...

He will be dumbstruck by your beauty....And demonstrate it with all his heart. 

Do you enjoy oral sex performed on you? It was another of my wifes hangups....

once you are comfortable with that, BJ's should come easy....But don't stop practicing on him....He absolutely adores it...and you for being so generous........

I can see from your loving attitude you will be the jewel of your husbands life, and a pearl above price....Relax and enjoy...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you have low self esteem? Are you afraid you will be rejected or look silly?
I bet if you layed on top of your husband and starting kissing him on his neck and worked your way down, he would be ahem blown away. I also bet you are more attractive than YOU think you are. Best wishes.


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

I must say that I appreciate all of the great advice and encouragement! I do in fact have low self esteem that has absolutely nothing to do with my husband (he thinks I am absolutely beautiful), it is more in my own head. I am going to start with the small stuff and hope that it helps me to make bigger steps! I guess I am just afraid to look foolish to him, I kind of feel like I am supposed to know what to do and the fact that I am so prude, and totally clueless makes me more anxious than necessary and that will not allow me to relax and be in the moment. I suppose that being in the moment is what I should try to focus on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

By baby steps I mean little things like getting comfortable being naked with him. Start one day with a little more off and then a little more the next day.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm actually a little jealous and nostalgic. Assuming you work your way through this, you can be full of exciting anticipation of years of great sex ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Teebler said:


> I don't even perform oral sex on him, because I feel like he will look at me differently.


He will. He will love you more.

For men, sex is how we experience and express love. You can tell your husband that you love him 100 times. But if you tell him just once, and then give him a BJ, he will believe that you really love him.

This board is full of men who have wives who swear up and down that they love their husbands. They just refuse to have sex with them. And it rings hollow. Many of these men have been driven to divorce because their wives won't act like women in love (i.e., be willing to have sex).

Don't be one of those women. Women who have happy marriages have rich and fulfilling sex lives.



Teebler said:


> I know that he loves me but I just don't feel desirable at all even though he tells me that he thinks I am beautiful and he is super attracted to me.


Here's the thing. You don't get to decide how your husband sees you. It's his decision. And if he thinks you're sexy as hell, who the hell do you think you are to tell him that he's wrong?

So, if your husband tells you that you're desirable, and acts like he thinks you're desirable, then he obviously finds you desirable. Take the win. There are tons of women out there without husbands who find them desirable who would trade places with you in a second.



Teebler said:


> I just need some advice on how to let go and be more free with my husband. We have been married for six years and together for eight. Any advice is greatly appreciated!


If you can afford it, go to a sex therapist. If you can't, use some DIY aversion therapy. Make the decision to allow your husband to see you naked. The next time you have sex, undress in front of him. And not in a, "let's see how quickly I can shuck these clothes and jump under the covers" kind of way. Take your time and let him see what he's getting. It won't kill you. I promise.

Once you're more comfortable with your husband seeing you naked, you can expand your boundaries to oral, lights on sex, etc.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Teebler said:


> One of his biggest complaints is that I don't ever initiate sex.....I don't know how to initiate sex. I have no idea what to do! I would love to "just do it" but I have no idea where to even start! I have asked him what to do, and he said "figure it out" , for some reason he thinks I am supposed to just know this stuff! I am so lost right now!


It's a penis. It's not a super computer. Touch it.

SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian from SMBC Theater


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

To me I think you essentially want to share with him what you've shared with us. You're very reserved and uncomfortable about sex but would like to learn to be more free with him. All but the most insecure man is going to be thrilled at the prospect. Assuming he's a reasonably sensitive man he'll be careful not to say or do anything that sends you scurrying back inside your shell. It's in his best interest not to.


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