# Marriage too risky?



## morituri

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being married but considering the financial hardships that ensue from divorce, doesn't it make marriage a very risky proposition?


----------



## that_girl

We went into marriage with nothing. lol. So, it wasn't that risky.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I'd like to see an actuary run the risk vs reward scenarios


----------



## lamaga

Yep. But then, life is a very risky proposition.


----------



## sculley

It can. I speak from having a divorce under my belt. But honestly you have to out weight the good with the bad sometimes you know?


----------



## morituri

lamaga said:


> Yep. But then, life is a very risky proposition.


Excellent point lamaga.


----------



## Almostrecovered

If my marriage had ended at the affair I wouldn't have regretted the marriage. I enjoyed most of the ride after all.


----------



## Paradise

I would hope that I am smarter about finances and marriage now that I have been through it once. I don't think I would hesitate marrying again if the right person came along and we were on the same page regarding finances. 

Big mistake I made the first time around was building a house that depended on both of our incomes. If we would have just stayed in the first home then I could have paid for it myself. From here on out I will never sign my name to a loan without being able to afford the payments on my own. 

I also will never have just one joint account where all money goes to that one account. I will have my own account, a joint account, and expect my significant other to have her own account. That way at the end of the month I can put my extra money wherever I want to put it. 

Sad that I have actually thought about these things but lets face it, marriage is not a lifetime decision anymore. It is an extension of dating that says "I will stay with you as long as my rewards are greater than my pain." At least, that's the way I see it now.


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being married but considering the financial hardships that ensue from divorce, doesn't it make marriage a very risky proposition?


I hear you. And it's not just the financial hadship that ensues--it's the emotional fall out, the disentangling of 2 lives (the life you knew), the beginning all over again.

I really really do not think I would do it again. My opinion of marriage has changed significantly since my divorce.


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> I hear you. And it's not just the financial hardship that ensues--it's the emotional fall out, the disentangling of 2 lives (the life you knew), the beginning all over again.
> 
> I really really do not think I would do it again. My opinion of marriage has changed significantly since my divorce.


I agree and that is why I am in no hurry to get married again, at least not in the near future. 

After going through the death of my first wife and the divorce from my cheating second wife, "happily ever after" has joined the ranks of the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and Santa Claus.


----------



## CandieGirl

I've heard my husband say this, too. He lost hundreds of thousands getting divorced, and had to start all over again...I try not to think of the $ side of things too much. Marriage is more than just money! (but it would sure be nice to have a little extra!)


----------



## Cooper

I think at an early age marriage is a risk worth taking. For me I wanted to build a life that included a wife and kids and house, vacations, animals, a family nucleus per say and life would branch out from there.

But now, divorced male 51 years old having been there done that, what's my motovation? Conpanionship? Dogs are great at that! Sex? Heck I only think about that once a day at my age, no big deal there. The goals and wants and needs are so different at this point, never say never but I'm not sure what would make me want to get married again. Maybe a really awesome friendship, someone with a personality I couldn't get enough of.


----------



## Corpuswife

If purely your "risk" in marriage is the financial hardships of a potential divorce, perhaps get a prenup.

That's what I am doing. I am engaged and have discussed finances. He was cool with it. It gives me security as I was married for 25 years previously. If I could get divorced anyone could....so I will do it for the peace of mind.

Prenups aren't only for the "rich and famous."


----------



## Jellybeans

Marriage--too risky emotionally


----------



## tacoma

lamaga said:


> Yep. But then, life is a very risky proposition.


Most definately so why make it even riskier by marrying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Touché, Tacoma.


----------



## lucid

> Sad that I have actually thought about these things but lets face it, marriage is not a lifetime decision anymore. It is an extension of dating that says "I will stay with you as long as my rewards are greater than my pain." At least, that's the way I see it now.


I never saw it quite the way before, but yeah, considering everyone I grew up with who's been divorced... Marriage really isn't a lifetime decision anymore. Nothing seems to be sacred anymore...


----------



## southbound

Cooper said:


> I think at an early age marriage is a risk worth taking. For me I wanted to build a life that included a wife and kids and house, vacations, animals, a family nucleus per say and life would branch out from there.
> 
> But now, divorced male 51 years old having been there done that, what's my motovation? Conpanionship? Dogs are great at that! Sex? Heck I only think about that once a day at my age, no big deal there. The goals and wants and needs are so different at this point, never say never but I'm not sure what would make me want to get married again. Maybe a really awesome friendship, someone with a personality I couldn't get enough of.


I'm 44 and feel about the way you do. I'll never say never, but I'm not looking and really have no motivation to marry again. If i were in my 20s and got divorced after a short marriage, it might be different, but after 18 years, I've got a feeling of "been there-done that." After getting over the shock of the divorce and getting settled down, I am doing ok. I can do whatever i want whenever i want, and that feels refreshing.


----------



## Lon

To me I still see marriage as something you get one crack at. Sometimes mistakes are made, and when we are young and if we don't get in to deep you can take a mulligan and redo a first marriage with the right one next time. But for me, once I started a family already, and I don't believe I need to be married under God in order to have a relationship with someone, I honestly don't see myself marrying again. What purpose does it serve? none, to me.

Though I will love again and hopefully find someone that wants to spend her life with me, I have no problems committing and would love to blend families if the dynamics are right... marriage doesn't really enter the equation its completely unecessary.


----------



## Paradise

I wonder how many of us who are saying "no way" right now will feel in a two to five years. I wonder what it will feel like to get married again. Right now even after a little over a year I am not ready to give myself to anyone. I just wonder what I will think when I've fully healed and fully morphed into the new person I'm becoming. One thing is certain, I am so much different now than I was when I first got married.


----------



## Paradise

lucid said:


> I never saw it quite the way before, but yeah, considering everyone I grew up with who's been divorced... Marriage really isn't a lifetime decision anymore. Nothing seems to be sacred anymore...


Kind of sad, isn't it?


----------



## southbound

Paradise said:


> I wonder how many of us who are saying "no way" right now will feel in a two to five years. I wonder what it will feel like to get married again. Right now even after a little over a year I am not ready to give myself to anyone. I just wonder what I will think when I've fully healed and fully morphed into the new person I'm becoming. One thing is certain, I am so much different now than I was when I first got married.


I've wondered that myself. Marriage is a sacred thing to me and it's difficult to describe. I'm not a guy who plays games and gives out a lot of bull. What i say is genuine. I promised my x, "till death do us part." We told each other many times over the years that we would always love each other and never leave. So, to start that with someone new just seems fake.


----------



## hunter411

A great marriage is possible after 2 or even 3 disasters. I use my dad as the example. He was married 4 times, #1 was only a few years, long enough to have 2 kids and stay broke constantly from child support. #2 was about 5 years and I was born, that one ended in good ol mom cheating on my dad (good job there mom). #3 should have never happened, lasted about a year. #4 that was the winner, they were married over 30 years and were very happy together (even sat on the front porch together holding hands till the end). She passed away a few years ago and he has never been the same. He does however have a girlfriend that moved in?? Easy dad!!! So yes, it is possible, and I guess thats why I believe in "never say never".


----------



## Jellybeans

southbound said:


> I promised my x, "till death do us part." We told each other many times over the years that we would always love each other and never leave. *So, to start that with someone new just seems fake*.


:iagree: This is exactly how I feel. That whole promise for "forever" seems like a crock to me now.


----------



## southbound

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree: This is exactly how I feel. That whole promise for "forever" seems like a crock to me now.


i feel the same way. There are a lot of things in life where you can start over or just go out and get a new one and its all good, but marriage is just more sacred to me. It seems no different than throwing away a child. If I got frustrated because I had to drive my daughter around all the time to practices and such, I wouldn't just break all ties and try to adopt a daughter that liked being at home. that would seem totally ridiculous. Throwing away a spouse and trying to replace them with another seems equally ridiculous to me.


----------



## Lon

southbound said:


> i feel the same way. There are a lot of things in life where you can start over or just go out and get a new one and its all good, but marriage is just more sacred to me. It seems no different than throwing away a child. If I got frustrated because I had to drive my daughter around all the time to practices and such, I wouldn't just break all ties and try to adopt a daughter that liked being at home. that would seem totally ridiculous. Throwing away a spouse and trying to replace them with another seems equally ridiculous to me.


I agree, so it makes you wonder what convinced the walkaway spouse in the first place to marry... social conformity? Marriage obviously has no written guarantees. I am completely baffled by those who've ended a marriage and yet want another one... If it wasn't a lifelong committment the first time around why would you enter another one, isn't that just completely disengenuous if you to make vows to someone knowing they are worthless?


----------



## southbound

Lon said:


> I agree, so it makes you wonder what convinced the walkaway spouse in the first place to marry... social conformity? Marriage obviously has no written guarantees. I am completely baffled by those who've ended a marriage and yet want another one... If it wasn't a lifelong committment the first time around why would you enter another one, isn't that just completely disengenuous if you to make vows to someone knowing they are worthless?


Very true. I think once a person marries another, they become a part of their family just as much as if they were blood related? When my x decided to divorce me, it made me feel like she didn't hold that belief. Apparently, i was just a "fair weather" husband that could be thrown away if things didn't go smoothly.


----------



## Paradise

Lon said:


> I agree, so it makes you wonder what convinced the walkaway spouse in the first place to marry... social conformity? Marriage obviously has no written guarantees. I am completely baffled by those who've ended a marriage and yet want another one... If it wasn't a lifelong committment the first time around why would you enter another one, isn't that just completely disengenuous if you to make vows to someone knowing they are worthless?


Part of it is a special ability to blame everything that they perceived was not right in the marriage on the person they divorced. They have this special gene that allows them to rationalize away every aspect of the last relationship that did not fit their present need and eliminate any guilt that they may have. On top of that, I'm assuming that most of these walkaways or cheaters have never had to assume much responsibility in life for themselves or have had others that have always covered for them or bailed them out when times get a little crazy.


----------



## Lon

Paradise said:


> Part of it is a special ability to blame everything that they perceived was not right in the marriage on the person they divorced. They have this special gene that allows them to rationalize away every aspect of the last relationship that did not fit their present need and eliminate any guilt that they may have. On top of that, I'm assuming that most of these walkaways or cheaters have never had to assume much responsibility in life for themselves or have had others that have always covered for them or bailed them out when times get a little crazy.


In my case I don't think she blamed everything wrong with the marriage on me, but she did blame everything wrong in her life on the marriage. Ultimately its the same thing I guess, seeing your marriage partner as something holding you back, not realizing that I was giving part of myself in marriage in order to help her forward. One of the saddest parts was realizing your marriage was seen as a drawback and not something wonderful that had the ability to overcome - that came as the biggest shock to me, not just that I lost it but that she had contempt for it. Sickening.


----------

