# Divorce is Final Today and I'm Feeling Kinda Blue



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Background:

We've known each other since we were fourteen and dated in high school sophomore and junior year.

Dated again at the end of freshman year in college before she broke up with me for an old boyfriend.

Reunited at 10-year class reunion and lived together for two years before getting married. We would've been married nineteen years this summer.

We have two wonderful kids (D16 and S14) and lived a comfortable lifestyle, which included countless trips and a beautiful home.

She was contacted on Facebook by an old boyfriend almost three years ago and began an EA that went PA (he lives over 1000 miles away and is (was?) married with three children.)

In the middle of the EA, I took a severance package from my old company and a year later opened my own business. 

D-day was 12/3/11 and she moved out a month and a half later because she 'could not be the kind of wife that I wanted her to be.' 

She also had a ONS with another Ex-boyfriend while visiting her mom in another state. Over the last year and a half, she grew increasingly distant, which I attributed to the fact that I was starting a risky venture and she might possibly be going through a mid-life crisis. Looking back, I should've paid more attention to the signs but I attributed it all to the usual ebb and flow of married life.

After D-day, I made all of the mistakes the betrayed spouses make. I pleaded and cried and did everything to try and keep my family intact. But it was too late. She had probably been checked out of the marriage for at least a year.

Her attorney filed for divorce on 2/14/12 -- Happy Freaking Valentine's Day.

The past five months have been a whirlwind of emotional and lifestyle changes. I've been as low as one can be in this life and I've cried more than I've every cried.

But it has also been an awakening and learning experience for me. I learned that everything that I'm going through is part of a process and that everything will be fine in due time. 

I learned that I'm much stronger than I realized and that I should never again put my partner on a pedestal.

I started lurking on TAM in late January after my ex had moved out. This place has been a godsend. I realized that unfortunately I was not alone in my despair. I only wished that I had discovered this site a year ago. Things might've worked out differently.

I chose not to contest the divorce because I wanted this to be over with and I also didn't want to enrich a bunch of lawyers in the process. Financially, she made out like a bandit -- to the tune of almost $150,000.

However, she lost out on so many things that money just can't buy. The kids live with me and I see them when they wake up and before they go to sleep. I haven't badmouthed their mother but eventually they'll realize on their own that she was the one who abandoned her family. She's also disconnected from her circle of friends in the neighborhood.

This is a bittersweet day for me. I don't know any of you personally but I've come to value your advice and 'friendship'. Thank you all.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> The past five months have been a whirlwind of emotional and lifestyle changes. I've been as low as one can be in this life and I've cried more than I've every cried.
> 
> But it has also been an awakening and learning experience for me. I learned that everything that I'm going through is part of a process and that everything will be fine in due time.
> 
> I learned that I'm much stronger than I realized and that I should never again put my partner on a pedestal.


This should be a mandatory reading for every BS.

Did she gave up child custody or is she still local?

Either way Congrats!!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

keko said:


> This should be a mandatory reading for every BS.
> 
> Did she gave up child custody or is she still local?
> 
> Either way Congrats!!


Keko, we share custody but I'm the custodial parent. She moved to an apartment about four miles away and is still an integral part of the kids lives.

In fact, on Mondays and Wednesdays, she goes over to the house and cooks dinner for them.

We're by no means friends but we both have the kid's best interest.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Congratulation Count! Hope everything works out for you and your kids. Who knows, you might meet your own Mercedes one day


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## StayingStrong (Apr 27, 2012)

Let me speak a word of truth over you. You will not just survive this, you will overcome this. One day you will look back on this and your eyebrow will come down a little but you will be smiling.

YOU are unique, she did not make you that way, you were born that way.

You never had to be perfect, you did your best, you deserve better, now look at your new found freedom and go start living again.

Finally. This has been symbolic for me. Take your hands and pretend you are holding a book. Slam them together as hard as you can. Now set the book down.

Open your hands up before you again and begin writing a new story.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. May you be happy.

You should try something new this weekend (hobby, food, etc).


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Keko, we share custody but I'm the custodial parent. She moved to an apartment about four miles away and is still an integral part of the kids lives.
> 
> In fact, on Mondays and Wednesdays, she goes over to the house and cooks dinner for them.
> 
> We're by no means friends but we both have the kid's best interest.


Not that it matters much but is she with OM or lonely with 150k to waste?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Congratulation Count! Hope everything works out for you and your kids. Who knows, you might meet your own Mercedes one day


Complexity, thanks. I know there are a lot of great women out there and one day I'll find love again. Alas, I don't think I'll get married again but you never know -- I might become a dopamine addict and can't help myself.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

keko said:


> Not that it matters much but is she with OM or lonely with 150k to waste?


She's not with the OM. I think he broke up with her about six months before dday, which is when our relationship really started to go downhill.

He's got his own problems. When I found out about the affair, I went nuclear and sent over 200 pages of explicit communications between him and my ex to his wife, everyone at his workplace, and the PTA at his daughter's school. 

He had a lawyer send me a letter requesting that I stop all such communications or else he would take legal action. Which is fine with me because I had already made my point.

But one day, while I'm sunning in the South of France, I'll fire off another salvo just to keep him honest.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Perfectly understandable that you're feeling a little blue as you witness the final end of your relationship,especially since it extends so far back in your lives.Personally,I still feel a very little touch of melancholy from time to time,because no matter what my ex did wrong,there were also times in our marriage that she helped me grow as a person.There were many good times and that I can't deny.

It's good to see you don't bad mouth your wife to your kids and like you said they do come to understand the circumstances with time.My son deals with this now and he has stayed out of contact with her in the last few years,though I know she continually reaches out to him.In my heart of hearts I hope they can heal this rift between them as I know how much she has and always will love him.

Anyway,I just thought I'd post because it got me to remembering
and I certainly wish you well in the next chapter of your life.Take care.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Congratulations on being freed from the Chateau d'If. You'll find your Haydee soon enough.

Godspeed!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Count,

You have so much to offer to so many people:

-Great advice to us lost souls on TAM.

-A great man looking for a great woman with the same core values!

-A ready made family for a woman that loves children!

-A kick butt house that will be your new woman's castle!

-A wise man that has not only survived one of the worst betrayal's by a long time friend but has come out of the other side realizing what a great father he is with beautiful children he has as his true treasures!

You will find love, happiness and family again!

After all, you are the Count!!!!

Keep moving forward my man.

HM64

PS
The karma bus is out looking for your XWW as I write this.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TBT said:


> Perfectly understandable that you're feeling a little blue as you witness the final end of your relationship,especially since it extends so far back in your lives.Personally,I still feel a very little touch of melancholy from time to time,because no matter what my ex did wrong,there were also times in our marriage that she helped me grow as a person.There were many good times and that I can't deny.
> 
> It's good to see you don't bad mouth your wife to your kids and like you said they do come to understand the circumstances with time.My son deals with this now and he has stayed out of contact with her in the last few years,though I know she continually reaches out to him.In my heart of hearts I hope they can heal this rift between them as I know how much she has and always will love him.
> 
> ...



TBT, thank you for sharing your insight.

There were definitely more good times than bad ones. However, the bad times are ginormous in comparison, which might lessen over time. If I had to come up with a mathematical equation for this, it would look like:

*BAD>*GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Congratulations. Feel good that you got to keep the kids. I've heard of men whose wife cheated and they still got to keep the kids and get away with a lot more then $150,000 although that's a lot too. It's normal to feel this way but it will pass.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Count,

Your ex-wife is a coward of the lowest class...

My mom walked out on my dad and my little sister and I when I was 6. She left my dad for another man. I never saw her again, and today, 39 years later, she has passed completely beyond my ken. 

As a kid I blamed myself wondering what I had done wrong to make her want to leave. My dad had no idea how to deal with it, since he was an old-school cowboy who kept everything bottled up inside himself. My sister and I never had a chance to talk about the abandonement and process our grief. 

Then as I got older, that self blame turned outwards and I became a mean, angry juvenile delinquent. I stole, fought, vandalised and when I was fifteen the Juvenile judge was getting ready to send me to juvenile DOC if I didn't straighten up my act. My dad intervened and threatened to send me to military school, and that woke me up and put me back on the straight and narrow. 

But I never did deal with the abandonment, and now today it has taken an enormous toll on my psyche and my health. 

If you do anything, please get your kids into grief counseling. They take blame onto themselves than you know, and I guarantee you they are hurting more than you realize. 

Congratulations on your divorce by the way.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Count,
> 
> Your ex-wife is a coward of the lowest class...
> 
> ...


Bandit, thanks. I think grief counseling is a good idea for the kids. My daughter and my wife are still very close and go to church together on Sundays. My son is a harder read. He's content to play xBox with his friends and watch sports on TV.

I make it a point to do special things with both of them to keep that familial bond. Should I ask them if they need counseling? I don't see visible signs that they're feeling abandoned but teenagers don't always show their feelings.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's better if they are older. I was under the understanding she was gone completely. I guess if she has some presence in their lives that is better than nothing. My mom was g-o-n-e for good.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

count, it may of cost you 150 big ones,but you got something that no money can buy...seeing your kids ever morning and night.on that aspect your life is so much richer.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

67flh said:


> count, it may of cost you 150 big ones,but you got something that no money can buy...seeing your kids ever morning and night.on that aspect your life is so much richer.


67flh, you are so right. Just last week, she dropped my daughter off from church and I was finishing up folding the laundry. This is something that she used to do and I think deep down she misses it (and other motherly things around the house.)

Now she's free to live the single life of a cougar in heat. But like someone mentioned in another thread, the casual sex will soon get old -- as will she. And she won't have a loving family to come home to.

Interestingly, in my desperate attempt to get her to stay after dday, I showed her a patent application that I had made for what I think is a million dollar idea. She was so fogged up that she didn't care. Quite frankly, I was surprised that she didn't try to include it in the divorce settlement. 

She probably thought it was just another one of my hare-brained schemes, but I think she just wanted out as quickly as possible. Like my namesake, I think I might just have the last laugh. (At least from a monetary standpoint.)

Funny thing is I would gladly trade whatever future wealth I have coming for what we used to have.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Funny thing is I would gladly trade whatever future wealth I have coming for what we used to have.


You're a good man C.

It'll be hard to watch close one's crash and burn but having the last laugh should make up for it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife is on the Crazy Cougar Train to hell too Count. Breaks my heart. I know some of the pain you are feeling.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> My wife is on the Crazy Cougar Train to hell too Count. Breaks my heart. I know some of the pain you are feeling.


Crazy Cougar Train. :rofl::rofl:

(I'm laughing to keep from crying.)


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

Not to be a jerk, but why in the world would you marry a woman who dumped you for an old boyfriend?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

shazam said:


> Not to be a jerk, but why in the world would you marry a woman who dumped you for an old boyfriend?


Fair question. I guess the fact that we were both nineteen when she did it played a major factor in my decision. Plus getting back together eight years later and living together for two years before getting married.

Hindsight is 20/20. I don't regret marrying her. Out of our union came two wonderful kids and countless joyful memories.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

@bandit EX WIFE!!!

Count. I am at the position where I can finally file the Divorce and it is a very bitter sweet feeling. I feel for you man and I am not looking forward to the day of the final decree. 

he thing is. You won. There is nothing as important as being with your kids. My oldest is 17 . It goes so fast. Money, home, love of partner They are nothing to privilage of seeing our kids in the morning. I have 50/50 and a bit more since they hang out with me after school . 
Good luck with your new life


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Ing, Thank you. Bittersweet is an appropriate description of today's event.

I do feel victorious. My kids did not have to be uprooted from their home. Even though we have shared custody, they will rarely - if ever - spend a considerable amount of time at her apartment. This has been their home for the last six years.

I also plan on making the few years that I have with them before they go off to college filled with great memories that they'll cherish the rest of their lives.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It amazes me your wife still goes to church. I've heard two or three pastors discuss infidelity lately and am wondering what her pastor is telling her to do. I don't see how she could be forgiven if she contiued with the divorce and refused reconcilliation.

Good luck and prayers for your family

Chap


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

chapparal said:


> It amazes me your wife still goes to church. I've heard two or three pastors discuss infidelity lately and am wondering what her pastor is telling her to do. I don't see how she could be forgiven if she contiued with the divorce and refused reconcilliation.
> 
> Good luck and prayers for your family
> 
> Chap


Pfft. To some Christian women like his wife the Bible is written in pencil.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> It amazes me your wife still goes to church. I've heard two or three pastors discuss infidelity lately and am wondering what her pastor is telling her to do. I don't see how she could be forgiven if she contiued with the divorce and refused reconcilliation.
> 
> Good luck and prayers for your family
> 
> Chap



Thanks chap. Yeah, the churchgoing is a mystery to me also. But I've learned that some of the biggest sinners are those who attend church on a regular basis.

I don't go myself and I knew that my ex would've liked for me to do so. Ironically, during our marital woes (pre-dday), I even offered to start attending church with her. But suddenly she didn't think it was such a good idea.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Thanks chap. Yeah, the churchgoing is a mystery to me also. But I've learned that some of the biggest sinners are those who attend church on a regular basis.
> 
> I don't go myself and I knew that my ex would've liked for me to do so. Ironically, during our marital woes (pre-dday), I even offered to start attending church with her. But suddenly she didn't think it was such a good idea.


Maybe her pastor has his own ideas in regards to infidelity?
Every one of them I ever knew pretty much picked and chose which of the many teachings they considered to be "the word".


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Thanks chap. Yeah, the churchgoing is a mystery to me also. But I've learned that some of the biggest sinners are those who attend church on a regular basis.
> 
> I don't go myself and I knew that my ex would've liked for me to do so. Ironically, during our marital woes (pre-dday), I even offered to start attending church with her. But suddenly she didn't think it was such a good idea.


Unfortunately, we are all sinners. Some stray from the path more than others. Most of us realize when we have done something wrong and atone for it and ask for forgiveness. I really just assumed that cheaters would probably go down the same path. However, it was pointed out that if a person committed adultery and stayed with or married the AP they were in a continual state of adultery and could not be forgiven until the adultery was completely over. 

Not trying to thread jack, just thought you may have talked this over with your wife. Its great that she takes your daughter to church but...... IDK..... this is confusing to me. Its like she is trying to instill morals into your daughter but she is left wanting herself.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Its great that she takes your daughter to church but...... IDK..... this is confusing to me. Its like she is trying to instill morals into your daughter but she is left wanting herself.


Actually, it was my daughter who got her to go back to church around four years ago.

I think going to church for waywards is just another in the long list of compartmentalization that they do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife went to mass one Saturday shortly before DDay and the same afternoon she booked her ticket to go see the OM in San Diego. The same afternoon!


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> There were definitely more good times than bad ones. However, the bad times are ginormous in comparison, which might lessen over time. If I had to come up with a mathematical equation for this, it would look like:
> 
> *BAD>*GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD


:smthumbup:

That's excellent math, Count! I've lived this exact equation myself too!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Count: Despite the loss of that 150K, please consider yourself as the big winner . Having the kids there with you is by itself a true gift from God. Cherish it! And enjoy their presence with you every day!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Count you should go to Marseille or Cannes for a few days this summer. French women are delectable , should help boost your confidence abit.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Count you should go to Marseille or Cannes for a few days this summer. French women are delectable , should help boost your confidence abit.


Complexity, that sounds like a great idea. Alas, I have a business to run. The closest that I'll get to France this year is a two-hour drive to Paris... Texas.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Complexity, that sounds like a great idea. Alas, I have a business to run. The closest that I'll get to France this year is a two-hour drive to Paris... Texas.


Damn! I thought that I was the only one that ever made it up to "that Paris!" Count~ you've got to be hanging your hat somewhere in the D-FW vicinity.

Thank God that my travelling days of reffing Junior College Basketball are well behind me. Happiness was truly seeing that place in the rear-view mirror, more especially when home, at that particular point in time was down near Galveston!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

And this is why no-fault divorce is destroying the institution of marriage.

Walk out on your husband and kids, eff around, consequenses? You recieve cash and prizes to the tune of $150,000 large.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Locard said:


> And this is why no-fault divorce is destroying the institution of marriage.
> 
> Walk out on your husband and kids, eff around, consequenses? You recieve cash and prizes to the tune of $150,000 large.


No-fault divorce is prevalent in my state; normally community property laws prevail, but with the presence of a prenup that was implemented to primarily insulate my STBXW's wealth from me in the event of a divorce, she's using it to sue me for anywhere between her proposed settlement of 60K up to her calculations of some 250K allegedly for my share of living expenses incurred that she says that I owe her for marrying and living with her for some 7+ years. 

Actually, no-fault with a prenup may very well save my bacon, in that, even in the worst-case scenario of a judgement against me, I clearly don't have any of the monetary resources to pay either of those figures off, other than for my personal inherited non-monetary property of my parents, which is deemed to be untouchable under state law. 

Her proposal is for me to pay it off at the clip of $300 per month with applicable interest, which would take me well up into my 80's.

So is there anybody out there rampantly hiring senior citzens? Didn't think so!

Good luck, darlin'!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Fault or no-fault evey state needs Alienation of Affection laws so you can go after the people that ruin families.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Count, your post, while sad to read, was very well articulated. I can feel this as if I were you. Deep down, your kids know your goodness. They are your blood and will have your back for the rest of your life. 

God speed.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Count, your post, while sad to read, was very well articulated. I can feel this as if I were you. Deep down, your kids know your goodness. They are your blood and will have your back for the rest of your life.
> 
> God speed.


Gabriel thanks for the kind words.

I've been a bit wistful and melancholy over the last few days. I guess the finality of a thirty-five year love affair is really sinking in.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks for your guidance on my situation, maybe I will pull it out.

Otherwise, find a younger wife for yourself and make your ex burn in jealousy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

keko said:


> Fault or no-fault evey state needs Alienation of Affection laws so you can go after the people that ruin families.


You can go after them for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Evidently no on ever wants to. Lawyers are just to expensive.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Gabriel thanks for the kind words.
> 
> I've been a bit wistful and melancholy over the last few days. I guess the finality of a thirty-five year love affair is really sinking in.


The only thing I can offer is I will be surprised if you don't find someone better. Stay strong and don't settle for anything less than what you want.

Good luck and prayers

Chap


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