# Wifes EA and texting transcripts what to do?



## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

I recently found out that my wife has been having an EA with an old highschool boyfriend and has been very sneaky about it.

Background first
We've been together 19 years,married 13, have 4 kids and I thought we were all good. She has approached me before about attention and not getting enough and companionship. I kinda blew it off and worked on it half heartedly. My dad recently died of cancer and it has been tough on me as of late as he only passed a month ago. 
I saw this coming for about the past 3 weeks she was constantly on her phone texting, facebooking, pintrest, and i dont know what else.
Whenever I asked to check her texts she would freak out and say no.
Long story short I finally found out she had been texting an old highschool boyfriend. She had his number hid under his sisters name in her phone, who we are also friends with. So she came clean said ahe was texting him because she wasnt getting attention from me and she needed companionship. I found texts to her friends saying she doesnt desire me anymore and is afraid I'm going to end up cheating on him, not sexually though.

All the time i found out in the evenings she was texting this OM for 3-4 hours straight while im in the other room wondering why she isnt in here hangin with me. 
She told me nothing physical happened between them. I believe her. Even though my wife has recently obtained her license to become a massage therapist, she gave this guy a massage and didnt tell me about it. She only gave me and 2 other women massages in her life. Im hoping that is all that happened. 

Then I question her about the texts between them and she says the worst it got was telling him she has a hard time with orgasams and needs to use a vibrator. So much for just companionship and attention. 

So I contacted are cell phone company and had all hthe texts messages perserved as far back as they could. She insists that there is nothing more than she hasn't already told me. I need her to sign the consent form and she doesnt want to. She thinks that if I read all the mean bad stuff I wont take her back. I suspect there is more she doesnt want me to see. If I dont get these texts it will haunt me the rest of my life!

What should I do? I love her my kids and our family. I want to save this but only if its worth saving. Any suggestions?


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I would take a peak at the texts just out of curiosity. I would want to see what I am dealing with.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

She gave him a message? They ****ed.... The texts are going to be a lot worse then she has been telling you.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

The bishop said:


> She gave him a massage? They ****ed.... The texts are going to be a *lot* worse then she has been telling you.


:iagree:

Sadly for you, the Bishop is correct.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

Thats what I'm afraid of. I have to know what those texts say or else I won't be able to move forward.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Does she understand that even if they are innocent her non compliance to get them for you makes it look all the more guilty?

She has to know that you will think the worst if you don't get them.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

That's what I told her. it reaks of suspicion and guilt.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

I forgot to mention that she has ceased all contact with this guy, told all our friends how bad she screwed up and what she did(minus the sexual details I'm sure) and deleted her facebook and now has a basic phone with only texting..not a full on smartphone or iphone. There has been no contact and she has been crying her eyes out to my sister and friends for the past 4 days


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

To her that might be a better alternative. You need leverage to make her get them.

Would a threat of divorce make her do it or would she call your bluff. Would you divorce her over this?


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

She said she would sign the consent forms after we go to counseling this Saturday. But she said she would sign them yesterday and today also and it hasnt happened. needs to be signed by a notary. I have the form filled out she just needs to do it .
I dont want to divorce but cant't make that decision until I see these texts!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She's stalling

How long can she stall?


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

the phone company said they are saved for 90 days..so i have some time


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You do need to get those texts. Dont wait till the 90 days is nearly up. There are always delays and whatnots built into the system. So if you wait say 80 days and it takes 2 weeks for the request to go through the various company channels, it may not reach the right place in time.

Get it now so that you have her messages as far back as you can. Each day you wait, a day of messages get rolled off the 90-day window and disappears.


Looks bad about the massage and the overreaction on her part mean that she did take it physical. It'll be in the text messages.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Also tell her she is going to undergo a polygraph test. Tell her it's better for her to confess all now. And if you find otherwise, you're kicking her out. Use the polygraph to confirm.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

aug said:


> You do need to get those texts. Dont wait till the 90 days is nearly up. There are always delays and whatnots built into the system. So if you wait say 80 days and it takes 2 weeks for the request to go through the various company channels, it may not reach the right place in time.
> 
> Get it now so that you have her messages as far back as you can. Each day you wait, a day of messages get rolled off the 90-day window and disappears.
> 
> ...


No the content could only be saved for max of ten days back from the day you request them. They preserve them for 90 days for the consent forms
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I am also just comming out of a similar situation, except there was no physical contact, as OM is on another continent. There was a final exchange of sexual messages though. Unfortunately, it all occured on Facebook, and I have no way of recovering the messages,

My wife has gone NC, and admits it was wrong.She has apologised.

I am struggling to get past it however, because I dont know the nature of the messages. She tells me it was just chatting, he was funny, he was an ex and made her feel good. She tells me she would never have done it with someone close by, it was kind of a fantasy. In my mind, she minimizes. I keep asking her about what was said, but cannot ever really know. So I must forgive and move on, from something I do not know all the details of.

So you must get her to sign the consent. If you don't, like me, you will always be left wondering what was exchanged. For me it makes R a lot more difficult.

You have a way to recover the texts, and she simply must sign. Threaten D if you must.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hi headspins,
It sucks to be up this late dealing with this. I'm sorry for you.
You are going to get a lot of help from people who have seen this before. You have to believe that these things follow a script that is so consistant its unbelievable.

Your wife has gone outside your marriage and that is completely unacceptable and that is on her 100% period. If there is any good news (and this may be hard to believe) you are in the drivers seat, and it looks like from your description that you may be able to save this marriage or end it. 

I dont want to make this too long, but in short order you will realize that if she has any hope of saving her marriage she will have to comply with your requests, including agreeing to letting you see the text transcripts.

The first thing I think that needs to happen is that she needs to break all contact with the OM and give you complete transparency, all her passwords, email, texts, gps on her phone to verify her location, everything!!

What if she doesnt agree? If you are asking that question, then this is TAM 101 for you.

Honestly the people on here who do the best in these situations are the ones that take action.

Here is what I mean,
You would say to your wife,
"you are having an emotional affair with OM (other man), additionally you gave him a message which even in the unlikely event that it did not cross into any sexual activity, in light of the emotional affair is still foreplay, and crosses the line into a physical affair (PA)."

I dont know how our marriage can be saved, I was not there for you when you asked for more attention, that is 100% on me, and I can change that and I wish with all my heart that I had given you the attention you derserved, But you went outside our marriage, and you can never change that and that is 100% on you!!!

I dont know what the outcome will be right now but we cannot move forward, at all, unless you agree to break all contact with any Om's, show accountabiliy for your whereabouts, and honestly reveal your involvement with these other men.

If that is unacceptable to you then you are ending our marriage today and I will file for divorce. I will not live in an open marriage and i will not share my wife with another man!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow sorry there were only a couple replys when i started typing and a lot more has come out between then and when I hit the submit button.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Wow sorry there were only a couple replys when i started typing and a lot more has come out between then and when I hit the submit button.


It's ok. I am so afraid if finding out more than what she said. But I told her for me to move on I need those texts. I agree with almost everything you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I feel for you on that, But everything has to be brought out into the light of day, especially if you want to save the marriage. Your WW will need that (even if she does not know it) if she is going to find moral and emotional healing.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Headspins---you wanna get to the bottom of this---she either signs the consent forms IMMEDIATELY, or tell her you are going to demand she take a POLYGRAPH

If you want the POLY---you go to the closest police station, and have them tell you, who the good poly operators are---I think you need to poly her, about the message, and her physical contact with this guy

You actually do not need anything more---than what she has already done---way out of line with her texting and contact----putting you down to him, and her friends, treating you as a POS, hiding her phone, giving him a message, being with him at all---all of these things by themselves, are enuff for you to make a decision, as to what you want

If you do want to R---then you lay out your boundaries, and your ACTIONABLE consequences----move her out of the marital bedroom---cut the lovey--dovey with her, and keep her at arms length---no mr nice guy at this point in time.

She needs to feel some of the REALITY, that would come with D., she needs to know, she cannot just trample you, and go running off to another guy---cuz she feels your attention, was lacking----SHE NEEDS TO KNOW MGE IS HARD WORK---and both spouses have to work AT IT----and she does not get to go off screwing around with other men

Your one big weapon here is D/Threat of D----use it----and just cuz she is now crying, and all of a sudden "gets it ", that does not mean, you let her off the hook, so quickly-----she has to understand, she has wrecked your life, and possibly her kids lives, and she needs to be held ACCOUNTABLE----do not in any way shape or form, show her any weakness over this situation on your part

All of the above can be done w/out the texts---you already have MORE THAN ENUFF---to make your demands, and set your boundaries.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

HS,
Have you talked to her about you not giving her attention?
I would like to know what you said and what her reply was. If you dont mind.

And let me say this for you to think about, not beating you up here, but ignoring a womans cry for attention is like ignoring a babys cry for food, its very easy for men, you and me, to not realize how vital these request are, and I just want to give you somhing to think about, not judging brother


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Before HS starts to look at his part in the marriage, and the reason his wife claims she sought outside attention, SHE must first own all of what she did. Full disclosure and transparency. IF HS can get past that and move to R, then he must look very closely at his role in this.,


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jnj is right.
You lost a little mometum since you found out, but she knows her situation, and you have to believe that you are in a position to give clear direction or she is the loser.

Her responses so far (other than stalling UGH) show she knows you are in decision making mode and in a position of strength.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

His role in this---is that he hasn't worked as hard as he could have, and her role in this, if things were lacking, was to have MADE him understand what was wrong, and to work on the mge----her role was/is not to go off with another man

She probably has legit. claims, but everyone here knows, 13 yrs into a mge---the bloom is off, and things are boring, and same old, same old---AND THINGS ARE TAKEN FOR GRANTED---that does not mean he does not love his wife, and wouldn't have her back in any situation----It is up to her to demand, what is needed from him---if her demands are not meant then counseling, and threat of D., come into play---NOT GOING TO OTHER MEN.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

oddball,
I have been called on that before, and I struggle with it because I think that if we can remove an ofense, by taking responsibility, then we disarm the blame response.

I'm not saying you should take the time, but if you wanted to pm me I would like to ear what ever you have to say about it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Small point but, Her Massage Therapist days are over, for the foreseeable future right?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

headspins said:


> I forgot to mention that she has ceased all contact with this guy, told all our friends how bad she screwed up and what she did(minus the sexual details I'm sure) and deleted her facebook and now has a basic phone with only texting..not a full on smartphone or iphone. There has been no contact and she has been crying her eyes out to my sister and friends for the past 4 days




If she has an iphone, you can recover the texts anyway. 


2) if there are other privacy concerns to her, you can entrust the task of filtering the OM only texts to a mutually trusted 3rd party.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would have to see all the texts and her not signing the concent form is a deal breaker; that would make me see a lawyer. For me, refusal to give you the texts is just as good a saying "I screwed him every day for the past year". If she is truly remorseful, if she is truly going to take responsibility then she has to sign the concent today. If not, she isn't serious about this. You'd be foolish not to press the issue.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I would have to see all the texts and her not signing the concent form is a deal breaker; that would make me see a lawyer. For me, refusal to give you the texts is just as good a saying "I screwed him every day for the past year". If she is truly remorseful, if she is truly going to take responsibility then she has to sign the concent today. If not, she isn't serious about this. You'd be foolish not to press the issue.


I told her a what point in all of this did she think she could start calling the shots. And she replied with...all I want is one counseling session before you get the texts because I'm afraid you'll leave if we don't see a counselor first. 
Ik I was lacking in the attention part. My dad was going through the last months of his life and I was giving him my attention. Mentally and emotionally I was consumed w my dad. But she knew this we talked about it and if anything I was expecting support from her through these times
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

get the texts and then meet the counselor. Offer to read them after meeting with a counselor.

Or she wants to confess more in the meeting with a counselor.


how long was she texting her old bf ? Can you get the texts for the whole time period ?

What about retrieving deleted texts from her smart phone? You can do that very easily without her signature.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

headspins said:


> It's ok. I am so afraid if finding out more than what she said. But I told her for me to move on I need those texts. I agree with almost everything you posted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her saying that you need to move on is her telling you to rugsweep this fast, get over it and trust her again. Tell her she needs to sign the papers, you wont judge her, you know its tough and if she is remorseful then shes needs to trust you because EA are serious.

P.S.
The bf getting a massage is the kicker, that would piss me off and id forge the dang consent, wouldnt have even told her what i was doing or what i was asking the cell co for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact that she 

1. Hid is name under another
2. Arranged a secret meeting with him to give him a "massage"

Shows that this wasn't two old friends chatting. It was an affair.

And I hope you don't believe for a minute that his response to her saying "She can't orgasm with you", would be "get a vibe". It would most certainly be either "I never had a problem getting you there" or "I can take care of you guaranteed".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm thinking she's either going to:

1, Use counselor to convince you seeing the texts is wrong, and invasion of privacy, unnecessary, slowing down recovery, show's a lack of trust in her ...


OR


2. She's going to drop the bomb that they met up and had sex.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

yeah, the massage doesn't sound too good.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

headspins said:


> She told me nothing physical happened between them. I believe her...she gave this guy a massage and didnt tell me about it.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Headspins, you must get those texts. What you find in them may, indeed, cause you to leave her, but so be it. This was her decision. My wife's A occurred in 2003. She denied ad infinitum. Never came forward w/ the complete truth. Refused to go to counseling. She did all the necessary steps w/ transparency, etc. We are still together. I'd say that we have a good relationship. But it is not what it once was, and will never be again. I still carry the burden of uncertainty; trust is damaged, and cannot be what it was. You need those texts to make the decision, or you will live in this limbo for the rest of your life.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Headspin don't go to MC until you know what you're getting counseling for. She's stalling. Deep down you already know what's in those texts. Things like: Oh baby, you're the best... I never stopped loving you... If only we'd never broken up... I really loved massaging your... YOU GET THE POINT.

She's in no position to make demands for MC. Pack her sh!t up and in garbage bags and put them on the porch. I remember a poster earlier in the year spreading all his cheating wife's clothes out on the front lawn and using the garden hose to wash them and screaming about what a cheating scumbag his wife was. You might not want to get that dramatic but she has made a fool out of you and has destroyed your family.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

headspins said:


> I told her a what point in all of this did she think she could start calling the shots.


Excellent, you have to show that you are in control and you are not taking no for an answer.



headspins said:


> And she replied with...all I want is one counseling session before you get the texts because I'm afraid you'll leave if we don't see a counselor first.


Because I’m working, I can’t reply fast enough and I think Warlock and Shaggy covered this already. She has reason why she wants to do this. It could be any one of the following:


She is hoping that the councilor will take her point of view and tell you shouldn’t see (or don’t have a right) to the texts. You must look forward, not backwards. Validation for your WW.
She is going to reveal to you, in front of the councilor, exactly what you are going to see in the texts and by doing it in front of a third party may temper your reaction, because it’s going to be worse than she admitted to.
She will reveal a physical affair and doing it in front of a third party may temper your reaction

I don’t think it will harm you to wait until Saturday under these circumstances, but if it were me, I would want it signed now; they won’t come in for several days anyway.

BTW: If OM is married or has a GF, call his wife or GF today! Do not wait.



headspins said:


> Ik I was lacking in the attention part. My dad was going through the last months of his life and I was giving him my attention. Mentally and emotionally I was consumed w my dad. But she knew this we talked about it and if anything I was expecting support from her through these times
> Posted via Mobile Device


Sorry Dude, but this is a crock of horse sh1t that I never understand every time I see it. Unless you were a total jerk, ignoring your wife and family totally, she (and all women who use this excuse) is full of sh1t. A man’s primary responsibility is to provide for his family (Yeah I know that’s changing). If there isn’t enough money, that puts stress on a marriage and a woman feels she has the right to cheat. If a man works too much to make sure he is providing the best for his family then a woman feels she has the right to cheat because he doesn’t treat his wife like a love sick teenager again. This is all crap! It’s a line of horse sh1t and a poor excuse to be selfish. These are grown women who chose to get married and raise a family. When they make that choice they have to put their children first, their husbands second and themselves last. (I can tell you from my personal experience with my mother that when they don’t, it really F’s up a family for decades to come). The issue with your father illness is just plain selfish on her part; I won’t even comment further on that. NO MAN SHOULD BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY FOR WORKING HARD TO PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY! It’s a poor excuse to go out and f**k a stranger and be selfish. (End of rant)


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

river rat said:


> Headspins, you must get those texts. What you find in them may, indeed, cause you to leave her, but so be it. This was her decision. My wife's A occurred in 2003. She denied ad infinitum. Never came forward w/ the complete truth. Refused to go to counseling. She did all the necessary steps w/ transparency, etc. We are still together. I'd say that we have a good relationship. But it is not what it once was, and will never be again. I still carry the burden of uncertainty; trust is damaged, and cannot be what it was. You need those texts to make the decision, or you will live in this limbo for the rest of your life.


It's never too late to sit down with the wife and say:

"your affair is still bothering me because I had not had closure since you decided not to tell me the truth. I am getting older and living the rest of my life this way is stunting. If you cant tell me the truth, I have to move on and divorce you."

99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you still have her old smart phone you can probably get the texts from it. What kind of phone is it?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You may want the texts---but your wife has already admitted, they are bad enuff, that you may want to leave her,----go to the counseling session---and just listen---obviously it is your wife who is now on the hot seat---go and see where she is with all of this

Getting the texts will just confirm, what you already know, and your wife has already basically admitted to---what is in them, is going to hurt you badly, and cause you great pain--

--do what you need to do


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just a guess on my part, but I don't think she is afraid of you finding out evidence that she had a physical affair with her BF. You are already assuming that it went physical and haven't left yet. I think she is afraid that you will see all of the terrible things she wrote about you - that you're evil, cowardly, pathetic, etc...who knows at this point. She's afraid that you'll not get over how terrible she made you out to be and that you'll want to leave. That's one reason why I think she wants to do this in front of a counselor - so that she can claim "temporary insanity" when she wrote her texts...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It went physical. Dont forget about the "massage" (probably with happy endings).


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

jnj express said:


> ----go to the counseling session---and just listen---obviously it is your wife who is now on the hot seat---go and see where she is with all of this


OP is a better man than me if he can sit through a counseling session knowing what he knows without exploding - all the while his cheating wife and the MC try to minimize the extent of the damage that's been done.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

headspins said:


> I told her a what point in all of this did she think she could start calling the shots. And she replied with...all I want is one counseling session before you get the texts because I'm afraid you'll leave if we don't see a counselor first.
> Ik I was lacking in the attention part. *My dad was going through the last months of his life and I was giving him my attention. Mentally and emotionally I was consumed w my dad.* But she knew this we talked about it and if anything I was expecting support from her through these times
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So when you needed her most, instead of finding time to console you, she turned her back on you and made time to massage her hs bf? UNBELIEVABLE. 

FWIW when my dad was dying my wife also didn't support me. She heard me crying the night he died for the first time in our marriage and treated me like I wasn't being a man. It lead to many hour of MC after his death. Still find it hard to forgive b/c she never apologized.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

aug said:


> It went physical. Dont forget about the "massage" (probably with happy endings).


This by itself should be a reason to kick her to the curb. I've had sex that wasn't as intimate as some massages.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this. As someone who has gone through pretty much the identical thing I know how painful and confusing it is. 

First off, don't be too quick to beat yourself up. If you were treating her poorly she had an obligation to wind up her relationship with you before starting a new relationship. 

Second off, no need to justify your need to see the texts. If that's what you need to decide whether or not to go forward with the marriage then that's what you need. It will probably hurt like a...I don't know what...to see what she said but that's your call. Some of us need to know. 

You can agree to be a better husband but you should never agree to any suggestion you are somehow responsible for her affair.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

When i first confronted my wife about her online EA she tried turnning it back on me like that. There was some truth in that I was being negligent, but it in no way caused her to become a cheating lying sack of puss. 

Own up to your faults, but keep it seperate from hers. Hers was worse, and your fixing your faults won't fix hers. She will find another excuse. If she wants R to work, she needs to figure out why SHE did it. If she sticks with the YOU made me do it routine, R is not going to work in the long run.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If you still have her old smart phone you can probably get the texts from it. What kind of phone is it?


She has a Motorola Droid X. This would be much easier if its possible. It's on the Verizon network
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

headspins said:


> I recently found out that my wife has been having an EA with an old highschool boyfriend and has been very sneaky about it.
> 
> Background first
> We've been together 19 years,married 13, have 4 kids and I thought we were all good. She has approached me before about attention and not getting enough and companionship. I kinda blew it off and worked on it half heartedly. My dad recently died of cancer and it has been tough on me as of late as he only passed a month ago.
> ...


Have not read the rest of the thread yet. But this is a full blown affair. She IS cheating now.

AND it is physical now. Even if only the massage. But frankly you have no idea.

The bottomline is that she must go immediately and verifiably NC with this guy. No fond farewells.

There really can be no compromise with this. If she refuse you are going to have to tell her that this is unacceptable in your marriage.

Do not let this get off into her needs not being met ... yet. She will have to go through withdrawal before you guys can work on the marriage.

Yes, indeed you are likely getting trickle truth as well. There is likley much more going on.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

Originally Posted by chapparal:
If you still have her old smart phone you can probably get the texts from it. What kind of phone is it?
She has a Motorola Droid X. This would be much easier if its possible. It's on the Verizon network
Posted via Mobile Device
[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

headspins said:


> I told her a what point in all of this did she think she could start calling the shots. And she replied with...all I want is one counseling session before you get the texts because I'm afraid you'll leave if we don't see a counselor first.
> Ik I was lacking in the attention part. My dad was going through the last months of his life and I was giving him my attention. Mentally and emotionally I was consumed w my dad. But she knew this we talked about it and if anything I was expecting support from her through these times
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She should have been supporting you during this time. This has likely been going on much longer.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Texts are stored after they are deleted from txting app AND contact history???!!!

Check the phone. To delete texts, you must delete in two places. The texting app, and the contacts app. If she only deleted on the texting app then the texts will still be on the contacts app.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

[New App] Undelete Beta : Recover Deleted Files From Your SD Card [Free]

Or try this. It's free.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> This by itself should be a reason to kick her to the curb. I've had sex that wasn't as intimate as some massages.


The massage alone would have been a deal breaker for me. In fact meeting up to be alone would be enough.

So I will take this over the top. What kind of massage did she claim she gave him. Full body nude massage? Senual massage? Or a neck rub?


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

I do not want a divorce. I totally love my family and kids and do not want to tear it apart. I also don't want to be wondering the rest of my life about those texts even if we do divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

headspins said:


> I do not want a divorce. I totally love my family and kids and do not want to tear it apart. I also don't want to be wondering the rest of my life about those texts even if we do divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one wants a divorce. No one wants to tear up a family. Unfortunatley her actions have done this.

But be aware that IF you wish to keep her you must take immediate and decisive action to stop the affair cold. You have to fight for your marriage. You may be engaging too late.

That requires you telling her that this must immediately stop which may require you to get a lawyer and file.

You do this IF you want to save your marriage.

Marriage takes two people. You have three in it now and you seem to be the third person.

Are you willing to let her have her lover while you support her just to say you are married to her?


What is your boundary? What are you willing to do to run this guy off and stop the affair? Right now every day of inaction their affair grows deeper. It is very likely a full blown PA now. But if you think it is not yet then you should try to stop it.

yes i would want the texts too, but I would not be willing to wait for them. IF she did not sign that form immediately that speaks volumes. She is trying the typical delay tactics. She is buying time. Perhaps she is buying time for financial reasons.

So what do you want to do?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

headspins said:


> I do not want a divorce. I totally love my family and kids and do not want to tear it apart. I also don't want to be wondering the rest of my life about those texts even if we do divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Let me repeat that: YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOSE YOUR MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO SAVE IT.

She should be fighting tooth and nail to save the marriage. Maybe in her twisted mind she is by not giving you access to the texts. Who knows? Bottomline, is she's not being forthcoming. She willingly gave herself to another man. Can you get over this?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

headspins said:


> I do not want a divorce. I totally love my family and kids and do not want to tear it apart. I also don't want to be wondering the rest of my life about those texts even if we do divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Too bad your wife doesn't think as highly of you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

headspins said:


> Originally Posted by chapparal:
> If you still have her old smart phone you can probably get the texts from it. What kind of phone is it?
> She has a Motorola Droid X. This would be much easier if its possible. It's on the Verizon network
> Posted via Mobile Device
> ...


Also found this on google

Motorola DROID X privacy issue with text messages and call logs

BTW, a couple of years ago itr was reported, massage therapists were the most likely profession to cheat, then nurses, teachers and stay at home moms.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> BTW, a couple of years ago itr was reported, massage therapists were the most likely profession to cheat, then nurses, teachers and stay at home moms.


I would think pro athletes would top the list of philanderers.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

red flag she won't sign the paper work for you to get the text messages, she is hiding something!

If she has told you everything she would let you see them.

They always say they never had sex with someone else.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Right for a start there's only one Headspin around here!!

Seriously though my friend, she's doing you right now 
I think in your heart you know it.

tbh There's no issues here just show me the texts messages or we're divorcing - everything is destroyed finished and that's the end of that.

I do remember my stbxw denying so laughably vehemently until I said "phone right now this second and password."

Within 30 seconds she'd admitted everything (okay nearly everything!)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

my head is spinning from seeing two headspins


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> my head is spinning from seeing two headspins


The man is impersonating ! me whats going on here

I maintain I am at least the original !


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> my head is spinning from seeing two headspins


Doppelgangers

BTW, maybe if you'd quit jumping around in circles your head would stop spinning. :rofl:


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

We had a long talk last night with a lot of crying and she has agreed to sign the consent forms for the texts today. She still says there was never anything physical and I believe her. The texts should be able to prove that and I'm hoping we can put all this behind us. She's agreed to be an open book the rest of our lives and will never question me if I ask to check anything. She went and spoke to the pastor of our church last night with my sister. She is very remorseful and told me that the she will do whatever it takes. I think I stopped this just in time!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

headspins said:


> We had a long talk last night with a lot of crying and she has agreed to sign the consent forms for the texts today. She still says there was never anything physical and I believe her. The texts should be able to prove that and I'm hoping we can put all this behind us. She's agreed to be an open book the rest of our lives and will never question me if I ask to check anything. She went and spoke to the pastor of our church last night with my sister. She is very remorseful and told me that the she will do whatever it takes. *I think I stopped this just in time!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. 
Hope so for your family's sake. Keep your eyes and ears open.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe you should ask her to come clean on the worst you'll find in the texts. Stiffen your spine for what you may find and how you'll handle it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

headspins said:


> She is very remorseful and told me that the she will do whatever it takes. I think I stopped this just in time!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We're in your corner and wishing you the best


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks I will keep you posted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Maybe you should ask her to come clean on the worst you'll find in the texts. Stiffen your spine for what you may find and how you'll handle it.


Supposedly she already did. But she said there's other stuff that is going to just disappoint me. Kept telling me she got lost in it...felt like she was 16 again with no worries stress and it made her feel good to be wanted, like she still has it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

headspins said:


> Supposedly she already did. But she said there's other stuff that is going to just disappoint me. Kept telling me she got lost in it...felt like she was 16 again with no worries stress and it made her feel good to be wanted, like she still has it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Prepare. I was in the same situation....H had a texting e/a, which I found out was blatant sexting.

Was not prepared to see a close up picture of his midsection with his pants down and a fully erect organ with the words "Wish you were here"...Disgusting.

And it only got worse. 

I truly hope she's telling you everything. And then you'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Good luck.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

headspins said:


> I told her a what point in all of this did she think she could start calling the shots. And she replied with...all I want is one counseling session before you get the texts because I'm afraid you'll leave if we don't see a counselor first.
> Ik I was lacking in the attention part. My dad was going through the last months of his life and I was giving him my attention. Mentally and emotionally I was consumed w my dad. But she knew this we talked about it and if anything I was expecting support from her through these times
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


God, this sounds just like my wife. My father passed away, and when I needed my wife the most, she started getting attention from someone else. I know exactly how you feel. We deserve better.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

IMO, "sexting" is NOT an EA. EA is an EMOTIONAL affair. sexting is an electronic PA!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

headspins

It's encouraging to hear your wife has made this commitment.

My advice is since you've agreed to try to work with her to get past this avoid holding it over her head. It will take a lot of work to get past your resentment and it won't happen over night but you need to figure out how to do it. Try to improve the communication between the two of you to the point this could never happen again. You may find there are counsellors that can help you with that.

Best of luck!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> headspins
> 
> Try to improve the communication between the two of you to the point this could never happen again.


Huh? :scratchhead:


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> headspins
> 
> It's encouraging to hear your wife has made this commitment.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

That's very good advice. I think the marriage counseling together is are next step. I'm keeping my fingers crossed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Huh? :scratchhead:


I agree my sentence doesn't read very well. 

What I was trying to say is if you have good communication your partner will come to you to discuss issues rather than turning to a third party. It's when they feel you won't listen, get angry or defensive that they will turn to someone else.


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

I understood what you were talking about. There was def some of that going on on my part. It still does not justify what she did or give anyone a reason to take those types of actions. I will def be working on my communication skills and listen. I'll tell you what rocket science is easier than marriage and spouses sometimes!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

headspins, you are not at fault here! Regardless of what MG says, your actions or inactions are not what drove your WW into the arms of another man. SHE CHOSE to!


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## headspins (Sep 26, 2012)

Agree with you 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My apologies if that's how it was interpreted but I wasn't trying to imply your communication is was caused her get involved with someone else. If the communication wasn't what she wanted she had an obligation to approach you first to fix it.

I was simply trying to suggest that in looking forward the better the communication is the better the relationship. Ideally, our partners come to us first whenever they're happy, sad, excited have good news/ bad news or whatever. As you're prepared to forgive her the end goal should be to make your relationship better than it was. It will take effort on both sides.


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