# Should I Tell OM's Widow?



## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Hi All:

I have posted on whether to continue with my wife and we are making progress on that front. 

Another question has been on my mind for a long time. Should I tell the OM's widow about his relationship (LT EA) with my wife? 

I wrestle with this because I don't know if this would be more hurtful to her than she deserves. It would offer me some feeling of vindication and/or revenge, but it wouldn't change anything. He died from an unexpected accident in 2012. 

So, if you were in her shoes would you want to know, or remain oblivious and keep his legacy intact?

Thanks,

Jethro


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is she aware of _anything_?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She's lost her husband, grieved, and moved forward with her life in the 5 years since his death. If they were currently married and she was living a lie, making decisions every day that could affect the course of the rest of her life without knowing the truth, I'd say tell her. However, that's not the case. Telling her now would serve no purpose.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

My goodness...
I'm familiar with your thread. The pain this revelation could cause OM's wife is incomprehensible, with absolutely no recourse or closure since her husband is dead. The heartache, anger, & confusion of this betrayal would be impossible to resolve and could very well last her the remainder of her life.
Your need for vindication/revenge does not lie with her. I can't fathom being in her shoes and learning something like this 5 years after the death of my husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Jethro ~ If you are already in a state of reconciliation with your W, then why would you even remotely want to shovel figurative dirt into the memory of the OM? Or even his likely unknowingly jilted wife?

In the words of Jesus from Matthew 8:11, to the prostitute that he saved from certain stoning, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more!"*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No no no!!! How could you be so cruel?? She did nothing to you.

Leave it in the past.

It would be different if he were alive and the affair was still going...hell yes, tell her then.

He's been gone for 5 years...leave her be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Either she was aware of his infidelities or she was not. 

If she was aware of it, then you telling her would accomplish nothing and have no benefit to you or to her. It would simply be rubbing her nose in it for no valid reason and no beneficial purpose. 

If she was not aware of it, then it would hurt her and cause her pain, but for no benefit to either you or her. It would serve no beneficial purpose to anyone. 

Causing hurt and pain for no beneficial purpose is the definition of cruelty. It's simply hurting someone for no reason.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

I agree. It would be cruel to tell her now.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

A good friend of mine found out soon after her husband died and emotionally it destroyed her. She lost her job and in essence couldn't function for a good year afterwards and had lots of therapy. It serves no purpose to tell this woman now just to wreck her life all these years later.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jethro,

You may find out some supplementary information so yes I would inform and find out what the OMW knew. If she was approving of the EA or knew about it then tell his kids too. 

I think about the same issue even though OM1 is alive as far as I know. 

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm with the don't tell crowd.

It will only serve to throw her into a turmoil. As someone said, he's gone. She's not married to him anymore. Nothing can be resolved. 

She did nothing to you. Just leave her be.

Sometimes when we are in pain, we just want someone else to hurt too. That's what this sounds like, Don't do it.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

See it for what it is. The person that you want to hurt is the OM. But you can't. Because he's dead.

Why do you think his wife "deserves" to be hurt?


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks, all. You have confirmed my thinking on this. I just wanted to get others' thoughts.

She would be blindsided by such news as she knew nothing about the EA and little about the former relationship between her husband and my wife. The OM confirmed as much when I went to meet him shortly after my D-Day.

I don't harbor any ill will toward her. It's just that I have read about what a great person he was and I have this urge to take his reputation down a notch or two. Even that seems selfish and petty at this point, I know.

So, I will maintain her (and others') image of him by not revealing anything, just as I have for more than six years.

Again, thank you.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

As you appear to be in your "20 year" thread, your decision with regards to OM's widow is intelligent and considerate. Good call. I hope you find the peace and resolution you are seeking.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

IF you were going to tell, you should have done it 5 years ago.
Too much time has passed and likely the widow has made efforts to move on with her life.

I'm one for complete honesty but under the circumstances I would say, do not tell her. No good can come of it other than your assumed relief. All you're really doing is shifting the burden of knowledge onto her, and she really doesn't deserve that right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It reminds me of the Sparks song 1918.

An elderly couple live like it is still 1918, even driving round in their Stanley Steamer steam powered car.

The people of the town club together and buy them a new house and a new car.

They thank the townsfolk but say they would rather carry on living as if it was 1918.

The townsfolk are angry with them saying "if we can't live in 1918, neither can you "

You want to tell her in order to spread the misery. To stop her living in her 1918.

That would be cruel and unhelpful. It would make you feel worse in the long run.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OMG NO!

Why cause her any more pain? It will not help her, like if he were still alive and she should divorce her. dont do it


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

God I hate secrets. And affairs keep going on because they can exist in secret places. You should tell everyone what your W has done, including OMs widow. 

That's too bad that her husband was a snake. Perhaps his disposition to cheat will be passed on to his children. She needs to know in order to watch for this and address it.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Why didn't you tell her before?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It is water under the bridge now. Telling her would serve no useful purpose. Let her live her life with the good memories she has. 

Your WW is the issue here, and whether or not she can pay you back for all the years she stole from you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Gather up all the texts you have and send them to her.

Tell her this is what your WW did to her and her family.

Let your WW know as well so she feels the consequences of what she did.

The OM was likely lying about his W being completely in the dark, so you will be filling in some blanks for her and doing her a favor.

Tamat


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I do not see how telling her will make anything better for anyone. 

He is beyond earthly revenge. Save going to hell to confront him personally, he is out of your reach. If you want to take that option, then causing distress to an innocent grieving woman seems like a good way to get there.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm wholly unqualified to respond on this topic, and thinking about it, I feel like there's no way I could tell. so my actions would be in line with the consensus here.

Just thinking out loud here, though, another thought comes to mind. 

If I was badly hurt by the loss of my spouse, who I loved dearly and thought I had a perfect union with, and then suddenly learned she had been unfaithful--I would certainly be hurt by learning I had been cheated on--but wouldn't that take away (at least some of) the hurt from the loss? I gotta' think that if someone broke sacred vows with me and so violated everything I hold dear, that I might even be glad she's gone, and without taking half my assets. 

Cold, crude, and crass, I know, but it does seem logical.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*I do not see how telling her will make anything better for anyone.* 

Because the basic fact of OMW life are not known to her of the 4 parties here 3 know 1 OMW does not.

OMW may also spill some info. about OM possibly even allow Jethro to search one of OMs old phones or something like that. 

Tamat


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

It just doesn't seem fair to me to tell her something like this. She has no outlet for her anger. She can't yell at him, or ask questions, nothing. You drop this on her and she just had to stew over it. It seems torturous to someone innocent in the whole situation.

If you weren't willing to tell her when her husband was alive, why would you now?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If you've ever read any of my posts, you'll know that I'm a staunch believer in transparency and honesty. Bringing things to the light of day is how to resolved things. 

However in your instance I would disagree with my usual stance, and here's why:

As I understand it, you and your wife are reconciling, and this affair took place years ago. In the intervening years, the OM has died and he was still with his wife when he died. Under normal circumstances, the Other Person's spouse is told so that the truth is brought to light and the OP's spouse can make decisions about themselves and their marriage with honest facts. Also normally, the OP's spouse is told as soon after D-Day as possible. It's a way of deterring the WS and OP from reconnecting--two eyes watching are better than one. 

That is not the case here. The OM is dead and there is no way they can be in contact ever again. You are in reconciliation by your own admission. The OM's W does not need to make decisions about herself and her marriage because with OM's death, their marriage ended. 

Finally, speaking as someone recently widowed, I'll just say that one of the harder things to do is going through your husband's things. I was blessed as I went through my Dear Hubby's things that I found nothing hidden, I found no skeletons in his closet, and I found that his private things confirmed that he was the man I thought I knew. Okay he had a little peek at porn now and then, but half the time that was with me in the room and then teasing him about being a "sexy old fart." LOL But If her husband was having an affair, my guess is that as this widow went through her husband's things, she did discover skeletons in his closets and secrets she did not know. Nothing could be more agonizing then to discovering your husband was unfaithful AFTER he has already died because that means he did not die loving you. If she discovers it privately, she can at least keep it to herself and maintain some illusion of dignity for herself. 

At this point, I do believe that telling her would only be hurting a widow. I don't see it having any positive affect on your marriage or reconciliation, and I don't see it having any positive affect for her. So I don't see the point in going and telling her now.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am certainly glad the OP has wisely chosen to NOT tell. I can't even believe anyone is bitter enough to imagine that dredging up a corpse is the right thing to do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jethro said:


> Hi All:
> 
> I have posted on whether to continue with my wife and we are making progress on that front.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't personally unless I was very close to OMW.

The dumb ass is dead so I would leave it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Definitely not at this point.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jethro,

Please tell the poor woman it will give her the same option you had when you confronted the OM, she would have the chance to confront the OW. 

If my W had been engaged with someone else I didn't know about I would hope a witness would do me the kindness of coming forth, I fairly certain that my W has told select others about her affairs, but they have kept their mouths shut and advised her to do the same. 

Tamat


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

What If?

OMW came to OP and said she had heard rumors concerning her H and OP's W?

What then?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Any of you old enough to remember TV "Wrastling" back in the 70's. The matches had a TV Time-Limit due to forced commercials. 

So exposure truth has a time limit too?

OK, I get it... he's dead, but Truth never dies, lives on, give me the truth regardless.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks once again for everyone’s thoughts and suggestions. I will not contact his widow for all of the reasons folks have cited. I do want, however, to provide some information that might address some of the questions/concerns mentioned.

I did not reveal to her early on because the EA had stopped a few months prior to my discovery. My wife had agreed to maintain no contact and I was vigilant and monitoring her, but I had no guarantees he would not reach out to her and trigger a reconnection. So, I decided to pay him a visit and I threatened him with exposure if I saw he had tried to contact my wife. During that brief discussion he confirmed what he had told my wife by email: his wife was completely unaware. His reaction to my threat of exposure seemed genuine.

Shortly after D-day, I was flying by the seat of my pants on how to proceed. I did not have the benefit of TAM counsel until a couple of years later. After he died, I put the idea of contacting her on the shelf. In recent months, I have resurrected that thought, but not seriously.

This was a second marriage for both of them. There were no children involved. In fact, from his writings, he considered my wife the great love of his life, though he never used those exact words. He also suggested that, while he loved his wife, it was not a particularly romantic connection. Rather, they shared many common values and were good companions and partners. I don’t get the sense that his wife knew much about his history with my wife. So, I don’t really know if she would be surprised, or particularly hurt, by what transpired between her husband and my wife. 

Some other thoughts:

My actual question was “…if you were in her shoes would you want to know…?” I am not sure anyone actually answered from that perspective, so I will take a stab at it.

Based on everything that has happened between my wife and me, if she were to die and I didn’t know she had been in another affair, I would want to know. It wouldn’t necessarily change anything regarding my thoughts about our relationship, but it would add another layer to it all.

If, however, there were no affairs and I considered us to have had a good marriage, I wouldn’t want to know.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I Would NOT want to know!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

No revenge to be had.
You should of exposed back then - but you made a deal. IF he kept his end of the agreement, then keep your end.

If the widow ASKED you what you know about his past, that would be a different matter.

Let it go and move on.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

For me, the biggest part of processing the pain of infidelity was not about knowing the facts. It was/is about being able to contextualise and understand them within my own narrative. About understanding the why and the how, and not just the what and the when. Which ideally requires openness from both BS and WS. I think this is why reconciliation can seem to be about telling/hearing the same facts over and over again. And why, IMO, the most effective and "easiest" healings happen with (truly remorseful) WS support.

Because the OM is gone, his wife can only ever know a small part of the story - the facts as Jethro knows them. Make no mistake that the facts are critical in laying the foundation for the healing that comes after. But they are a very bare and ugly foundation without subsequent processing. And there are huge chunks of the story missing for the OM's widow. Without the OM, these can never be filled in. So the processing for her will be extremely hard, as will be finding peace and healing. As those on TAM who never had their WS's support and honesty through recovery will know.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

When people die they are no longer your enemy. Definitely do not tell.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Jethro said:


> Hi All:
> 
> It would offer me some feeling of vindication and/or revenge,


Interesting how you're willing to take your frustration out on everybody but your WW (she's got you scared shytless because you know how precarious her interest in you is.) If I were casting a western about Jesse James, I want you playing Robert Ford, the guy who shot Jesse in the back.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mizzbak wrote, *Because the OM is gone, his wife can only ever know a small part of the story*

Not exactly she can still speak with Jethros wife who knows the story as well as her dead H did, just as Jetro got to speak with the OM. 

It's a bit like saying we should NOT prosecute crimes because they happened years ago or not repatriate money to the estate of a dead fraud victim.

Should OM1 die I will certainly see what I can get out of his wife.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jethro,

You wrote, *My actual question was “…if you were in her shoes would you want to know…?” I am not sure anyone actually answered from that perspective, so I will take a stab at it.*

I am in those shoes as there were witnesses and people my W confessed to about OM1 and likely for the other OM, and I wish any one of them would come forward. It would end my Ws deniability. 

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

In this situation, I would want to know the truth about my dead W - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It might reveal some areas in which I could do a better job as a H, and that could be beneficial if I choose to remarry.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> It's a bit like saying we should prosecute crimes because they happened years ago or not repatriate money to the estate of a dead fraud victim.


Actually, there is a statue of limitations virtually all crimes and torts. But I realize many betrayed and reconciled husbands are disparately look for a whipping boy/girl for their beloved queen.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> In this situation, I would want to know the truth about my dead W - the good, the bad, and the ugly.


It'd be kinda like preaching to the choir for you, wouldn't it my man? But here's a tip for you when searching for another. Start with finding one that thinks you still hung the moon after a couple of years of dating. Most guys have this backakwards


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would just leave well enough alone; telling her now wouldn't serve a purpose except to hurt the widow greatly.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vlad wrote, *Actually, there is a statue of limitations virtually all crimes and torts. But I realize many betrayed and reconciled husbands are disparately look for a whipping boy/girl for their beloved queen. *

Actually in my Ws case going after the OM and his family is the most painful thing I could do to my W. My W nearly had an emotional breakdown when I told her I was going to check her story against the OMs. 

Tamat


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ya Tamat, but you did contemporaneously and didn't wait months or years later. Nor were you going after the widow. If some cat would have come up to my mother and hurt her more by telling her my daddy was banging his wife, just to ruin his legacy and horse **** like, "she deserves the truth" his cheating wife would be the least of his problems. What I'd done to him would make what you hear on here about husbands going after the other man look like a Sunday afternoon pick nik. Don't **** with a southern country boy's wife, dog, mother or kids. They'll kill you over either.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Jethro said:


> Hi All:
> 
> I have posted on whether to continue with my wife and we are making progress on that front.
> 
> ...


Jethro It only serves you

and it doesn't serve you well either

Leave it alone

55


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Interesting how you're willing to take your frustration out on everybody but your WW (she's got you scared shytless because you know how precarious her interest in you is.) If I were casting a western about Jesse James, I want you playing Robert Ford, the guy who shot Jesse in the back.


Interesting how you have read so much into the question I posed. 

You also conveniently parsed my statement so it looked like I was focusing only on what I would gain. Here is a more complete quote of that passage:

"I wrestle with this because I don't know if this would be more hurtful to her than she deserves. It would offer me some feeling of vindication and/or revenge, but it wouldn't change anything. He died from an unexpected accident in 2012. 

So, if you were in her shoes would you want to know, or remain oblivious and keep his legacy intact?"

Your analogy is based on flawed logic. I didn't actually contact the other woman and I didn't even suggest that I would. I merely raised the question of whether I should contact her. 

My concern, from early on after D-day, and explicitly from the beginning of this thread, was whether this would be something that would cause her pain that would outweigh any potential benefit she would derive from knowing. 

Your characterization of my relationship with my wife is outdated. You are correct in that early on I was hurt, confused, and uncertain as to how to proceed. But a lot has changed in the six years since D-day.

If asking that question equates me to being a backshooter, then I guess we should all be subject to prosecution for what's in our heads.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Jethro, your statement, "It would offer me some feeling of vindication and/or revenge", in regard to telling a widow just hit me the wrong way. If you were speaking in general terms, rather than hurting the wife of a dead man, as revenge or to gig your WW, perhaps I owe you an apology. My post (#46) expresses my sentiments.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Jethro, your statement, "It would offer me some feeling of vindication and/or revenge", in regard to telling a widow just hit me the wrong way. If you were speaking in general terms, rather than hurting the wife of a dead man, as revenge or to gig your WW, perhaps I owe you an apology. My post (#46) expresses my sentiments.


I understand your desire to protect someone you love from further pain. Even in such a case, however, the person themselves may want to know the truth, no matter how painful it would appear to be to those who love them. That was the essence of my question.

As my primary considerations were never to hurt his widow, and certainly not needlessly, perhaps I should accept your potential apology.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I guess I'll be the different one here. Chances are she knew SOMETHING was going on. I'd want to know if only to say to myself, ok, you knew it was something, you now know to trust your instincts. There are various things my gut seems to settle on, and trusting myself, more than any other person in this world, is how I can navigate through life. What if it's the same for her?

My sister was widowed very young after a year long marriage. She found love letters in her garage from her WS to his OW a few months later. It was crushing to her but the trouble they had been having before he died then made sense. 

Just another perspective. I'd want to know. And I'd be royally pissed at you for not telling me sooner.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

No way you can know so you have to make an assumption she'd want to know. If all the folks are alive and revealing is to stop a potential affair, its proved to be an effective tool. There have been many post however, where the suggestion is to reveal the affair, not only to the AP's spouse, but to his/her employer et.al. while protecting their own wayward spouse from such exposure. IMO, its the cowards way of striking out, at best, at 10% of the people most responsible, because they don't have the guts to go after the person most responsible, the cheating spouse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jethro, should you tell her she could perhaps be devastated or furious. Furious with you for waiting so long after his death to clue her in.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn’t tell her.

To be clear, I’d have told her BEFORE he died, but assuming that I hadn’t, I wouldn’t tell her afterward.

Has nothing to do with him or his memory and everything to do with not causing her any additional pain.

I’d probably piss all over his grave, though.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Once I found out the jerk's name YEARS after the affair was ongoing, I decided to track him down and give him a piece of my mind.

I plunked down some money online and did a background check. At that point i found out that he has recently died. This explained a lot as to why my now ex-wife was crying in the kitchen and drinking wine for months--she was in mourning. It explains why she was willing to admit his name--I could not talk to him and get the facts out of him.

Anyway, I was so pissed off that I wanted to tell all his relatives what a scumball the man was. I knew his ex-wife's name, the one he cheated on with my wife. I knew who his children were. I even found out his grave site and the online "memorial" to him.

In my pain I fantasized about revealing his crap side to any and all that I could. I mulled it over for months, seriously. I figured sullying his reputation would be some kind of revenge and be satisfying to me.

But you know what? I finally realized that he was not worth it. He died early from his crappy lifestyle. His children did not live with him and he didn't pay his child support. His ex-wife had remarried and lived a good life.

My ex-wife didn't get her "exit" to be with the jerk. Plus she is out of my life. Everyone who knew us both knows she is a cheater. Her reputation is crap.

That revenge I sought by harming strangers? Would not have accomplished any satisfaction for me. Plus, it is a form of an intrusion just like a cheater's intrusion. So why do it?

I suffered an assault on my life by my wife's cheating. The jerk's ex-wife and kids had nothing to do with it.

So, I finally pulled out of the searing emotional pain and stopped the fantasizing of revenge on the innocent.

So can you.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

What you could do is find out if the OM's widow has a close friend or relative and tell them what you know. Let them decide if it's in the best interest of OM's widow to know or not. They would know better than you what her mental state is and whether or not she would want to know. Just a thought.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JustTheFacts said:


> What you could do is find out if the OM's widow has a close friend or relative and tell them what you know. Let them decide if it's in the best interest of OM's widow to know or not. They would know better than you what her mental state is and whether or not she would want to know. Just a thought.


Nope. Thst would be a cowardly thing to do in my opinion.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. Thst would be a cowardly thing to do in my opinion.


No chance that would happen and little chance that it could. I am 500 miles away, don't know her other than from what I have gleaned from the Internet and his emails. The question has been answered and the issue is addressed as far as I am concerned. Thanks so much to all for sharing your thoughts.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I am certainly glad the OP has wisely chosen to NOT tell. I can't even believe anyone is bitter enough to imagine that dredging up a corpse is the right thing to do.


Seriously....if you have that much rage and anger still toward the OM...go to his grave and piss on it. Get it out of your head. YOU will be much better for it afterward.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

It's not really about his anger towards OM if he had that he would attack OMs kids as they carry his DNA and name.

It's more about doing the right thing for the one person who was never allowed to know the truth about her marriage.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> It's not really about his anger towards OM if he had that he would attack OMs kids as they carry his DNA and name.
> 
> It's more about doing the right thing for the one person who was never allowed to know the truth about her marriage.
> 
> Tamat


Agreed! If you don't tell her you are propagating the lie.


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