# How can I live with a lazy man? Ideas?



## CNmarriage (Dec 16, 2010)

Can any one out there give me some advice. My husband does almost NO physical labor ever. No housework, no cooking, no lawn care, no fixup projects, no maintenance. He makes okay money as a professor, but not enough to cover hired help to deal with all there is that needs doing. So, then it falls to me. Over the years I always thought that he was just busy with other more 'important' work, but I'm totally exhausted. His laziness in terms of hard labor really bothers me. It makes me have less respect for him, even though he is quite hardworking in his profession. I have tried many times over these years to bring up this issue and I am always met with huge defensiveness and then some promises...which never are kept. He is kind to our children, very loving and responsible as a father (except he won't play physically - so I do the swimming, ball, fishing..etc) He is intelligent (and neurotic). I care about him, but I'm tired. He is often gone- at work , or laid up with a cold, or sleeping in, or taking naps, or somehow unavailable. If he tries a project, he often injures himself or breaks things. He won't allow any advice "criticism." My body is falling apart from babies and hustling around and working and taking care of everybody. Then my husband says I'm self-centered because I interrupt him when he talks and I am not a good listener and that all I care about is my agendas. It's true I do interrupt him..he talks so damn slowly! and usually there are three or four things I'm in the middle of doing - planning for tomorrow, kids fighting, dog/cat hungry, dinner on stove, groceries in car, toilet backed up, back door left open....I don't believe he will ever change in this way. Every day I think about divorce, but then he told me he wouldn't move out. So I would have to leave.
I also think that would really be hard on my kids. But then again, I might lose my mind. Any ideas?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

CNmarriage said:


> Can any one out there give me some advice. My husband does almost NO physical labor ever. No housework, no cooking, no lawn care, no fixup projects, no maintenance. He makes okay money as a professor, but not enough to cover hired help to deal with all there is that needs doing. So, then it falls to me. Over the years I always thought that he was just busy with other more 'important' work, but I'm totally exhausted. His laziness in terms of hard labor really bothers me. It makes me have less respect for him, even though he is quite hardworking in his profession. I have tried many times over these years to bring up this issue and I am always met with huge defensiveness and then some promises...which never are kept. He is kind to our children, very loving and responsible as a father (except he won't play physically - so I do the swimming, ball, fishing..etc) He is intelligent (and neurotic). I care about him, but I'm tired. He is often gone- at work , or laid up with a cold, or sleeping in, or taking naps, or somehow unavailable. If he tries a project, he often injures himself or breaks things. He won't allow any advice "criticism." My body is falling apart from babies and hustling around and working and taking care of everybody. Then my husband says I'm self-centered because I interrupt him when he talks and I am not a good listener and that all I care about is my agendas. It's true I do interrupt him..he talks so damn slowly! and usually there are three or four things I'm in the middle of doing - planning for tomorrow, kids fighting, dog/cat hungry, dinner on stove, groceries in car, toilet backed up, back door left open....I don't believe he will ever change in this way. Every day I think about divorce, but then he told me he wouldn't move out. So I would have to leave.
> I also think that would really be hard on my kids. But then again, I might lose my mind. Any ideas?


Make a small list of housework to begin with as training, something that he can do.

He might not do the work as perfectly as you want in the beginning but, slowly slowly he will learn, so you want to be a good trainer and you want to give your husband some positive reinforcements as long as he's willing to move his ass.

Simple compliments, such as:

Nicely done!
You really save me and help me a lot!
It's great to have you as my husband.

Things like that. 

Don't nag or criticise too much.

Men love compliments from women because compliments make them feel happy to offer more service for women.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Some people just aren't good with physical stuff, like playing ball or playing handyman. I can't fix a lot of things, and I throw like a girl (of course, I am a girl, so...). 

It might be, with that kind of thing, that you'll simply have to accept he's not inclined in that way, and either do it yourself or insist you find a way to hire someone to be handyman or whatever. 

The housework, though, is easy to change. You sit everyone down, you say you're tired of doing it all, and here's a list of all the chores around the house that need to be done. Everyone needs to pick X chores to do, and if they won't pick, you assign them. He gets chores, just as you and the kids do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He might be a Professor, but he's still a guy which means he's putty in the hands of a woman. You want him to act more like a rugged, can-do, He-man, type? Present him with opportunities to act sort of macho and then fawn all over him like he's the sexiest man alive if he actually makes an attempt. Reward positive behavior! If you nag him, he'll feel small and powerless and you'll reinforce his whimpy side. Instead, buy him some rugged work clothes. When he puts them on, tell him how tough and sexy he looks. While he's trying to fix something, sneak up behind him and whisper how much the sight of him working turns you on. Buy yourself some killer lingerie but hide it and only haul it out when he performs his Mr. Manly routine. Sounds stupid, but he's used to being the center of attention and getting praise. Inside, he's just a guy and no match for a sexy, flirty woman. Match what he wants with what you want.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

One thing I have done is figured out how to hire help without it costing cash. I barter within the community. So and so can fix this but needs a resume typed. I recently traded electrical work for babysitting on a weekend evening. Those types of things. It's still frustrating and tiring to be responsible for everything, but at least the things I absolutely cannot do myself get done.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If he has no blue collar background and his father had no blue collar skills (plumbing, carpentry, electrical work, etc.) then he has no training, nor interest in such things. And you still married him despite that.

Could he be lazy? Sure!

I'll bet his whole persona, his ego, is wrapped up in being this know it all regarding his profession.

Does he thing home repair and other projects are beneath him?

Possibly.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Be thankful that he doesn't do home projects. My SO is soooo not a handyman. He WANTS to be, but just doesn't have it in him. So when he attempts to do something (and I don't try to stop him) it ends up being a mess and then the repair job is twice as much as it would have been if I had just hired someone to begin with. 

I'm not sure what you've done as far as getting him to help...could be he thinks himself above such meaningless tasks as housework? You have to appeal to his greedy side...what does he want from you, and how can you use what he does want to help facilitate what you need from him? 

I'm guessing you've already mentioned divorce, hence his remark that he won't move out? Does he have no interest in saving this marriage?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my H is the same way. i used to nag him but then i was upset and still nothing got done. so i let natural consequences follow. i had been telling him he needs to get installation on the pipes in the garage before it gets cold. he didnt do it. i came home from work yesterday and there was water billowing out of our garage into the street. the pipe burst. it cost my H $400 to fix. that night he put installation on the rest of the pipes. lesson learned. i think he'll take me more seriously next time. 

If there are dishes that are dirty in the sink, clothes all over the floor, animals havent been brushed, etc, which is usually the case, i let it go. for things like that i try to focus on what my H does do and not on what he doesnt. If i feel overwhelmed then i evaluate what i have on my schedule and take some things off if im too tired. And sometimes i accept that im just going to be tired. complaining only makes it worse.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It sounds like he doesn't have the confidence to do rugged fix-it projects and things like that, but like others have said, it doesn't mean he can't help with housework. I guess choose tasks he CAN do, that would help you not feel like you have the whole burden.

I think other replies gave you good advice on how to get him to help--lists, positive reinforcement instead of nagging/criticizing, etc.

It sounds like your personality differences, priorities and strengths are affecting your relationship...he's a professor, I'm guessing that means he's more of an iNtuitive than Sensory kind of person (in Meyers-Briggs terms), meaning the hands-on, tangible stuff just isn't important to him. He'd rather sit and ponder INtangible, very focused questions that honestly don't matter to most people (or that most people woudln't understand), who are more concerned with practical matters. But you do value those things more--the hands-on, practical stuff, partly because you need to, to keep your family together.

You said "every day you think about divorce, but he told you he wouldn't move out and so you would have to leave." Does this mean you've told him you're thinking of divorcing him if he doesn't step up and help you? Does he not take this seriously?

If you're at the point where you're thinking of leaving, then it's not the unhelpfulness per se that's the issue. It sounds like you're really starting to resent him, and like each of you feels like the other one isn't respecting the other's needs. You need help; he needs to be listened to all the way through his thoughts, even if he takes awhile to get to the point.

I think trying to approach it the way others have suggested: positive, specific, and let him know HOW MUCH you appreciate the help when he does step up. You may never get him to fix or build things, but he may be able to let you know he loves you and you matter to him by helping with specific, easy tasks.


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## barbara7246 (Jan 29, 2015)

I know exactly how you feel, my husband is so very lazy, he can sit in front of the tv for days and play his playstation or watch tv. He has his chair positioned so he can watch me all day working around the house and doing the millions of chores that comes with housework, yardwork, maintenance, children, animals, you name it. He is getting fatter everyday, has had heart surgery a couple of years ago, now diagnosed with diabetes and takes insulin everyday. Still nothing interests him but the tv. He has never finished one job around the house, after I nag to get him to do something he will either damage it more, half do it and quit and leave it forever halfway complete. I worry so much that if I die what will happen to our pets plants, etc. I know this is mean but I hope he will just die and put us both out of our misery. I plan to put his ashes on his chair right along side of his playstation, pour gas on all and do my happy dance. I have a lot of resentment towards him because while we dated he pretended to be so different. I feel like he tricked me because I would have never married such a fat, lazy slob had I known the truth. I wake up every day with so much planned and so much to get done and to watch him sit in his chair and watch me do all the work just infuriates me. He has 0 fiends or family and just vegetates all day every day. I feel like he has sucked the life out of our home.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread resurrection... 

C


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

major misfit said:


> Be thankful that he doesn't do home projects. My SO is soooo not a handyman. He WANTS to be, but just doesn't have it in him. So when he attempts to do something (and I don't try to stop him) it ends up being a mess and then the repair job is twice as much as it would have been if I had just hired someone to begin with.
> 
> I'm not sure what you've done as far as getting him to help...could be he thinks himself above such meaningless tasks as housework? You have to appeal to his greedy side...what does he want from you, and how can you use what he does want to help facilitate what you need from him?
> 
> I'm guessing you've already mentioned divorce, hence his remark that he won't move out? Does he have no interest in saving this marriage?


This made me laugh he sounds like me


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Zombie thread resurrection...
> 
> C


Then maybe threads should be closed after sitting dormant after a long while. If not then it's fair game to post on them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Then maybe threads should be closed after sitting dormant after a long while. If not then it's fair game to post on them.


Post if you like. I'm just warning not to expect a reply from the original people. 

C


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> Post if you like. I'm just warning not to expect a reply from the original people.
> 
> C


A lot can be learned from the other posters in a thread and not just from the original poster.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CNmarriage, when I first read the title of your thread, I had already judged him as some kind of worthless moocher who wouldn't keep a job and lazed around the house. But then I read your comment and I'm glad it's not that because I tend to offend people when talking about providing.

That being said, there ia a great book that you and he might benefit from. It's called "his needs / her needs" and the part that is relavent to you talks about meeting each other's needs. For example, you have a need for him to be more of a man's man type of guy. More of a hands on kind of dad and homeowner. That doesn't make you a bad person for wanting it or him a bad person for not knowing why you want it. It also doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the things that he does well like provide financially. He needs to know that it's a need that's not being met and that maybe some of the stuff he's doing are things you don't actually need as much as he thinks you do. But be prepared to learn that his needs are also not exactly what you think they are. You may be doing things for him that he doesn't appreciate as much as you think he should.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> Zombie thread resurrection...
> 
> C


Well I'm thankful you spotted it.

A post that'd take me 20 mins on a keyboard can take 90 to thumb-type on my mobile.

I'd sooner dedicate that time to people who need help now,, not 5 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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