# It all finally caught up to me...



## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

About six years ago I went through a brutal divorce that was not my choice. My ex wife, abandoned me for another man and is still with him. We live in Rhode Island which is a very small, insular state. She was from here and had lots of friends. As a result, our entire social life was really run and managed by her. I was working, travelling and being the best possible dad I could in my free time...so leaving the social circle and commitments to her was an easy decision. I was an active participant of course, but it was purely a couples network that mostly abandoned me after the divorce....as I was no longer a couple. 

To ease the pain of the divorce, as soon as she moved out I started online dating. I dated to ease the pain, but more importantly, to create a social outlet. My calculus was that I'd meet someone new and start a new life with them.

Six years, hundreds of dates and thousands of dollars later, that, sadly... has just not materialized. Two "serious" relationships in all that time and only one that held real promise. Both lasted just a few months and then fell apart largely due to logistics with kids schedules and long drive times between us.

In all this time, I kept up with friends in a cursory way, but didn't have any close friends to rely on. Nobody to really talk to when things were hard, nobody to lean on when I needed help. 

The day after Thanksgiving this year, it all caught up to me. I had a complete nervous breakdown that I still have not recovered from. After a little bit of therapy, I believe the root of my issue was that I couldn't find a path to a meaningful social life and a potential soul mate. What I was doing wasn't working. I'm very picky. And, work and kids schedules make it really hard to regularly participate in group activities. 

I am not anti social, in fact, I'm very social. But I have never been good at making and maintaining close friendships. I need to fix that in me. I honestly believe, that making and maintaining close friendships and creating a social network around them is the only way I will be able to meet someone romantically. 

I'm writing all of this to gain some insight from this forum about how to create a meaningful social life (basically from nothing) after divorce. I'm curious if anyone else out there is experiencing similar challenges. If so, I'd love to compare notes and help each other along with some mutual strategies.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Alpinglow said:


> About six years ago I went through a brutal divorce that was not my choice. My ex wife, abandoned me for another man and is still with him. We live in Rhode Island which is a very small, insular state. She was from here and had lots of friends. As a result, our entire social life was really run and managed by her. I was working, travelling and being the best possible dad I could in my free time...so leaving the social circle and commitments to her was an easy decision. I was an active participant of course, but it was purely a couples network that mostly abandoned me after the divorce....as I was no longer a couple.
> 
> To ease the pain of the divorce, as soon as she moved out I started online dating. I dated to ease the pain, but more importantly, to create a social outlet. My calculus was that I'd meet someone new and start a new life with them.
> 
> ...


I have a couple of points I saw while reading.

Being alone is hard, I pretty much suck at it.

However, you have to reset your thinking about this. You are chasing the perfect woman, and using social outlets to do that.

I think you should:
1) be happy with who you are right now and dont let a possible future relationship drive what you do.

2) get out and be social in everything you possible can. Even all-men activities. Fill up your life with social activities if that what you like. And include some singles groups or soup kitchens. Some places with the opposite sex. Avoid bars…women who go there looking for men wouldn’t meet your requirements anyway.

3) you didn’t talk much about your “picky” standards, but if they are too high, you won’t meet that girl. If your requirement is a 28 year old blonde haired blue eyed country virgin… you’re going to be single forever. Make your requirements appropriate for your age and social status.

Hope that helps. I’m not the best to give advice here, I’m sure others will be along. I can think of a few singles here on TAM who voice very similar concerns as you. Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Alpinglow said:


> About six years ago I went through a brutal divorce that was not my choice. My ex wife, abandoned me for another man and is still with him. We live in Rhode Island which is a very small, insular state. She was from here and had lots of friends. As a result, our entire social life was really run and managed by her. I was working, travelling and being the best possible dad I could in my free time...so leaving the social circle and commitments to her was an easy decision. I was an active participant of course, but it was purely a couples network that mostly abandoned me after the divorce....as I was no longer a couple.
> 
> To ease the pain of the divorce, as soon as she moved out I started online dating. I dated to ease the pain, but more importantly, to create a social outlet. My calculus was that I'd meet someone new and start a new life with them.
> 
> ...


My thinking is with the internet it's a lot easier to cultivate groups of people who are into the same types of hobbies and interests you are into. Now I wouldn't do it all on the internet but you should be able to find groups or even start groups. One thing I would be sure of is that some of the interests you pick are things that women are into too. You will probably have to get comfortable with meeting new people. 

Hang in there OP.


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I have a couple of points I saw while reading.
> 
> Being alone is hard, I pretty much suck at it.
> 
> ...


I think that's good advice, thanks. To be clear, I have high standards...I'm well educated, decent looking and I take good care of myself. I am not looking for Barbie, quite the opposite actually. I just want someone that I can respect, someone with rare maturity, empathy and intelligence. 

Having high standards in a situation like this doesn't help.


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

sokillme said:


> My thinking is with the internet it's a lot easier to cultivate groups of people who are into the same types of hobbies and interests you are into. Now I wouldn't do it all on the internet but you should be able to find groups or even start groups. One thing I would be sure of is that some of the interests you pick are things that women are into too. You will probably have to get comfortable with meeting new people.
> 
> Hang in there OP.


I think you're right. I've been a little embarrassed by the buzz that will start up around my little town if start creating desperate looking Meetup groups...but maybe that's just the price I have to pay.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to find “the one,” and not enjoying life and meeting new people, just for the sake of it?


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

I spent my twenties largely single, isolated and working long hours. I got quite lonely and depressed but eventually got over it, just got used to it i guess.
Now I'm married with a kid, she has friends over - couples and women, and our son plays with other kids and I see a lot of my wife's family. I don't really like socializing the older I get. To me, men don't really need friends outside their wife and child. Sometimes it's nice, but I really couldn't care less. I'd do well on a desert island.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

curious what happened with Ex? is she still with her AP and do they live together? is he close to your children? how old are your kids?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Alpinglow said:


> I think you're right. I've been a little embarrassed by the buzz that will start up around my little town if start creating desperate looking Meetup groups...but maybe that's just the price I have to pay.


Maybe instead of a price you pay, you will be helping someone else out.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Alpinglow said:


> About six years ago I went through a brutal divorce that was not my choice. My ex wife, abandoned me for another man and is still with him. We live in Rhode Island which is a very small, insular state. She was from here and had lots of friends. As a result, our entire social life was really run and managed by her. I was working, travelling and being the best possible dad I could in my free time...so leaving the social circle and commitments to her was an easy decision. I was an active participant of course, but it was purely a couples network that mostly abandoned me after the divorce....as I was no longer a couple.
> 
> To ease the pain of the divorce, as soon as she moved out I started online dating. I dated to ease the pain, but more importantly, to create a social outlet. My calculus was that I'd meet someone new and start a new life with them.
> 
> ...


Create a local group on Facebook for like minded individuals. Also, you can join a few groups. Don't be afraid to lay your cards on the table, you'd be surprised on how much support you'll get and how many people you'll meet.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

When I go fishing, I only fish on creeks that start with the letter 'W', and I only accept catching 5lb+ Rainbows and Brookies.

Sure, I don't have much success, but I've got strict criteria.

Or, maybe it's a smidge of self-sabotage?

Or, maybe I don't fish at all, and I just wanted a cool username?

Or, maybe it's too much effort to drive further to a creek that starts with the letter 'G'?

But, if I really wanted to just enjoy fishing, I'd make concessions to my strict criteria....isn't that what any reasonable person would do?

I get that work and kids take up most of the day. This might be why a women of high quality isn't presenting herself. What's in it for her? I'd say the same to any guy who's considering dating a women who says her kids come first. (They should, btw, but who wants to be second fiddle?). Maybe now isn't the best time for actively looking for a mate?

Anyway, as practical advice, check out the various MeetUp groups in your area and see which ones seem to have the types of ladies that turn your crank. It doesn't even matter if the activities or hobbies of the MeetUp group interest you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Alpinglow said:


> About six years ago I went through a brutal divorce that was not my choice.
> 
> ....To ease the pain of the divorce, as soon as she moved out I started online dating. I dated to ease the pain, but more importantly, to create a social outlet. My calculus was that I'd meet someone new and start a new life with them.
> 
> ...





Alpinglow said:


> ...I'm well educated, decent looking and I take good care of myself. *I am not looking for Barbie, quite the opposite actually.* I just want someone that I can *respect, someone with rare maturity, empathy and intelligence....*


A few thoughts. 

First if you have not yet recovered from your breakdown, you are not yet ready to date anyone. You are much too likely to fall for someone who is a caretaker or who likes to rescue broken men (then fix them, then dump them).

Talk to your therapist about what you are feeling and getting ideas for how to find the right kind of women, when you are ready for that.

Avoid being desperate and clingy. Most women don't find that attractive. So you need to change yourself so you aren't desperate. That usually means "Getting a Life" why you activities give you pride in yourself and a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

The kind of woman you are looking for someone you can respect, someone with rare maturity, empathy and intelligence sound like women who are not desperate to find a man or hook up. The best way to find such a woman would be through a shared interest or a shared passion that brings the two of you together. Now the obvious problem with that is the "amount of time" you can devolte to such a passion that some women share. And the reason you have a problem finding women is as you posted, ".....*work and kids schedules make it really hard to regularly participate in group activities.*....."

So you have a delemnia, how do you participate in group activities, if you can't find the time to do that. I would like to suggest perhaps four options for you to consider.

First, something related to your work. Not sure what you do for a living, but you could figure out something work related to become your free time passion. Let's say you have a profession, could you use that profession to help a non-profit by volunteering your skill set to help the non-profit? If you were an electrician (computer IT guy, carpenter, accountant, lawyer, etc.) you could volunteer to give some of those services to the non-profit and work your way into their meetings and some of their volunteers. The people who volunteer is such things depending on the non-profit could be a gold mine for the type of woman you are looking for. If you are looking for a young single mom, then children's sports teams can always use a hand. If you are looking for someone who is more into culture, then perhaps a library, local theater, local symphony would be more fertile ground. 

Second option, do some introspection and talk to your therapist about cutting back on work. You could use your breakdown as a valid reason to adjust the amount of work you do and scale back a little to free up time for non-work activities.

Third, is there some way to combine what you do with your kids with finding a woman who also shares a passion about kids activities? Could you volunteer to coach some sports for your kids, or participate in other ways, such as becoming a referee, preparing or organizing teams or fund raisers? I have coached T-ball, I have a co-worker who has umpired little league and now is Treasurer for a regional little league organization. On the other hand, you could get involved with 5K charity fun runs first by participating with your kids (yes, some even allow jogging stroller) and maybe later with the charity organization. There are also probably sailing, swimming, hiking, bicycling, basket ball, horse riding, archery, dog training or agility competitions, and other sports groups you could get involved with.

Finally, are there somethings that are mostly coed that you have talent at or you really like. Examples might include: choir/singing, acting, western dancing, ballroom dancing, coed volleyball, painting/drawing, pottery, book clubs.....

Good luck, hold off on dating until you are more recovered, don't be desperate, continue therapy, get more balance and free time in your life, and find a passion where you might meet the kind of women you desire.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Make effort. People make friends with others when they make effort.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Take up a hobby or a sport. Join a club. Join meetup.com
Do volunteer work. 
It's up to you to make the effort to get out there and get to know people.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

There are philosophy meetup groups in nearly every major city, usually held in a casual bar or restaurant. If there's a meetup that will attract intellectually stimulating people, that would be one for sure. Possibly book club meetups too.

If these don't exist in your neck of the woods, start one that will attract the kind of people you'd like to meet. The male members may even have sisters...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This has been touched on but so called high standards that result in nobody being able to meet them can result from one who doesn't really want a partner. It's ok to feel that way.

If you do really want a partner then you should ask yourself if what you want is reasonable given what you offer.

You don't sound ready to me but you know yourself.


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and heart felt replies. I agree with the comments that I am not ready to date at the moment and need some time to get myself back to center. That being said, I have also been looking into Meet Up and have signed up for a few activities. The challenge is that there aren't many in my area and many seem to be online. Either way, I'll participate in a few to see how they go. 

I do coach my son's lacrosse team in the spring and I help out with all of their other sports. I am well known in the community but most people here are married and well entrenched in their social circles. Hard to break in as the single guy. 

Either way, I'll keep at it. You advice is all accurate and helpful.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You get what you give.
Give a LOT of time and energy to others and you will have people around you.


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## heather42 (1 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts.
> 
> First if you have not yet recovered from your breakdown, you are not yet ready to date anyone. You are much too likely to fall for someone who is a caretaker or who likes to rescue broken men (then fix them, then dump them).
> 
> ...


This is good advice. Your breakdown was less than two months ago. Not sure what happened and you don't need to tell but if you describe it as a "breakdown" then it was serious.

This means you're a bit broke right now. Fragile. Not a good time to meet a romantic partner. Great time to find things in life you find meaningful and being with family that you love. Life is short. Find out what you care about most right now. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your kids. Spend quality time with them and perhaps focus on their needs.

(Just read the rest of the thread. My advice is redundant. Sounds like you're doing good!)


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

heather42 said:


> This is good advice. Your breakdown was less than two months ago. Not sure what happened and you don't need to tell but if you describe it as a "breakdown" then it was serious.
> 
> This means you're a bit broke right now. Fragile. Not a good time to meet a romantic partner. Great time to find things in life you find meaningful and being with family that you love. Life is short. Find out what you care about most right now. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your kids. Spend quality time with them and perhaps focus on their needs.
> 
> (Just read the rest of the thread. My advice is redundant. Sounds like you're doing good!)


Thanks Heather. It was serious, but therapy is helping and I will recover. That being said, I can't stay on the path I was on. I need a change and focusing on what's important and brings me happiness is a good start. I have a fantastic relationship with my kids and we do a lot together. Thanks for your post.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Alpinglow said:


> Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and heart felt replies. I agree with the comments that I am not ready to date at the moment and need some time to get myself back to center. That being said, I have also been looking into Meet Up and have signed up for a few activities. The challenge is that there aren't many in my area and many seem to be online. Either way, I'll participate in a few to see how they go.
> 
> I do coach my son's lacrosse team in the spring and I help out with all of their other sports. I am well known in the community but most people here are married and well entrenched in their social circles. Hard to break in as the single guy.
> 
> Either way, I'll keep at it. You advice is all accurate and helpful.


Be open to being set up on blind dates.

Actually, I learned that at one company I worked for, that the women in the HR department would examine the HR forms of all new male employees and if they were single or divorced, would pass the name around to the single women at the firm, as well as information such as age, picture, divorced or single and if they had kids signed up for the health insurance. They had quite the hidden matchmaking service. Oh course that was in the day when office romances were more common and less frowned upon.

Not sure that was ethical, but the point is that you might find out your name is put forward to a variety of women based on who has your "application" for various things. 

It never hurts in your networking with married couples or with other lacrosse team parents to ask them where people go to meet other single people. That just might spur some blind dates set up by others.


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