# How to stop being obsessed



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I need to get some idead on HOW to bring up our topic of past faults we have made and when to know when to STOP talking about things he has done?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Being that my husband isn't very good with words, we write each other when we want to talk about his infidelity. I have known since Halloween this year and it starts lengthening out a bit. I would want to talk about it all the time, then once a day, once a week and now I am at once every two weeks. It isn't about the same aspect, more or less about what we need to do to recover. I don't think it would be fair for me to throw it in his face constantly. I would love to tell you when to stop, but I think its always different depending on the people involved.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I agree with Dawn. We actually have some of our best "talk" via texting. I think it's easier for my H (not great with words either) to express himself and say what is/was on his mind, etc. I am very much like Dawn, I found out 10.18.09 and it has probably been at least a couple weeks since we've talked about the A. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday, some/most days like it happened years ago and even some days, not at all! Meaning I get so wrapped up in our life/kids than WHAM, something will hit me in the face and remind me of what happened. Reality check I guess.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Since you are still carrying this around to the extent you are a year later...I'd say the talking together isn't working for you. It is time to go to a marriage counselor as a couple or by yourself. I think you need a third party to help you.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

sunflower, 
I know what you mean, it crosses my mind constantly.
It makes me so angry when I think about him being with her.
I did throw it in his face a lot in the beginning, but I've stopped now, I am giving him the boot and he can go be with her, he will be her problem now. 
I think if you are trying to fix things you must let it go and forgive him so you don't drive yourself crazy.
maybe set some kind of journal so when you feel that anger, go write it down in the journal and don't speak it out loud. 
Maybe you could even show him once in a while so he understand s your pain.
good luck


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree I dont think that there is a time or place for anything like that. It just pops in the head and somehow you have to express it! I just keep thinking about the night I had her come over to talk about things he came home and I know it was all awkward but they had sHiZy grins on there faces and talking about basketball it just bothers me. And the fact that the door was locked how do I EVER believe nothing happend????


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, the H's affair he told me everything about it, so I know all the details and I just assume the worst when it came to being sexual. I assume that things we do he did with her because he was an idiot. But since I assume that already, it can't get much worse for me lol. Thats how I am looking at it at least. I would rather deal with the absolute worse case scenario in my head than deal with a minor one and then have it hit me two years later. So I fight the good fight, and hope that my husband will be the man I need him to be!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya thats one way to do it but its really hard when he is telling you the better version of things and you assume the worst. I just get really mad then thinking he is lying to me because of the story I made up in my head lol.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I need to get some idead on HOW to bring up our topic of past faults we have made and when to know when to STOP talking about things he has done?


Obsession is a choice. Every time we go round the loop it's by choice. It's like scratching an itch. You love the agony and the ecstacy of it.

So what you need to do is solve this problem is work on yourself. It has nothing at all to do with him. His past behaviour may well be the SUBJECT of your obsession, but the obsession itself is entirely yours.

By using the word obsession, you have already taken the first step in realising what it is - a self-created indulgence.

The next step is to decide how long you want to keep doing it. That's all! Once you decide you don't want to do it any more it will just stop by itself. No effort required


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I disagree with you Mark.

Some people who've been betrayed react to the trauma like Vietnam Veterans react to their war experiences.

It's a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for sure.

The obsessive thoughts are not intentional for those who are suffering this way.

There is a good book on this very subject:

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing

By Dennis C. Ortman


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

michzz said:


> Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing


Sounds like total unadulterated self-indulgence. Get over it.

It's outrageous to compare the suffering of a Vietnam vet to the state of a cheated on spouse. This sort of comparison is brought abut by arm-chair philosophers who have not really engaged in life. People who have experienced life threatening trauma, the constant possibility of slow death through torture, the loss of limbs and God knows what else, know all about PTSD. Everyone else is just catching a fad. It's very contagious. 

I know some people are more sensitive than others, but really, we're talking about the difference between catching a cold, and contracting HIV.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I think that you are right I think to stop obsession that I in my case need to work on me. Cause ppl who here my story are like oh ya get over it its shizzy but you can move on that fixable. But me I am obsessed. I think that I do need to work on me something??? but it being trauma yes I believe that to some people live there whole life for that other person and then they get the bomb. So I can understand when people get a little to much.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Sounds like total unadulterated self-indulgence. Get over it.
> 
> It's outrageous to compare the suffering of a Vietnam vet to the state of a cheated on spouse. This sort of comparison is brought abut by arm-chair philosophers who have not really engaged in life. People who have experienced life threatening trauma, the constant possibility of slow death through torture, the loss of limbs and God knows what else, know all about PTSD. Everyone else is just catching a fad. It's very contagious.
> 
> I know some people are more sensitive than others, but really, we're talking about the difference between catching a cold, and contracting HIV.


So NOT having read it you dismiss it as so much piffle?

Traumatic experiences are just that--traumatic. Be it war experiences or bad marriages. 

So to you, unless life and limb were at risk there can be none? Your grasp of the human experience is limited.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

"I think the lady doth protest too much" !!!

The majority of violence pop psychologists have experienced is on the TV. That's just not the same as when it happens to YOU.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

michzz said:


> So NOT having read it you dismiss it as so much piffle?


Yahaaa, piffle!

Everybody wants everything they feel to be somebody else's fault.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

everyone deals with things differantly one person may think that something as simple as a kiss is a kiss and another person may think there spouse looking at porn is a major slap in the face. I dont think that a person should be told they are being over the top for how they feel


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> everyone deals with things differantly one person may think that something as simple as a kiss is a kiss and another person may think there spouse looking at porn is a major slap in the face. I dont think that a person should be told they are being over the top for how they feel


Sure sunflower, but the point is, they're YOUR thoughts, what are you going to do about them?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

michzz said:


> Your ignorance is stunning. I'd have more respect for the opinion if you had the slightest bit of understanding of what is in the book.


I'm sorry, but likening the PTSD of Vietnam vets to being cheated on seems a bit crybaby to my. At some point we have to grow up.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I'm sorry, but likening the PTSD of Vietnam vets to being cheated on seems a bit crybaby to my. At some point we have to grow up.


I'll just say READ THE BOOK.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I had a way gooooooooooooooooood night last night me and the Hubby went to wedowver for some gambling and on the drive we TALKED. it was such a good talk to OMG it was so amazing I feel like we have finally linked to each other and we arent so damn immature! we are actually acting married. Instead of like we are in high school. I felt a little sad he was telling me that he just felt so basically unloved and not manly cause I wouldnt pay attention. I just feel so awful that we felt that way and so did he. It was really amazing how much we connected and the things that I put to rest last night. I feel good. I do I think I finally UNDERSTAND that he wasnt after a booty call from her she is nothing like what he wants. he wanted me all along. I guess its complicated! but I love my husband and the new and some of the old friends in my lfie! I feel great to have her gone from my life she really isnt a good person. And she tried to make me feel that I was in the wrong. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. I will never be. I now believe that you trust few and do wrong to knowone!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.


You have a big fan club here on TAM. I'm really glad you had a breakthrough last night. Keep up the good work


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry michzz, I've got to reign you in on this one. First off, words mean things. Let's take the word trauma for a moment: 

*Trauma: a serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.*

Hmm, an affair. Well that's volitional not accidental, and it's generally not violent, unless I guess the spouse that cheated likes it that way. 

Also the damage is primarily inflicted to the other spouse's soul or psyche, not their body. So "trauma" is just a poor fit, and not an apt or viable descriptor whatsoever. MT is clearly right on this one based purely on the definitions of the words alone. Well done Sir; have a cookie.

However, I agree with the word "post" as a descriptor, because it happens after the fact, and accurately describes the time frame of the "condition/event". 

I will also accept stress for obvious reasons. As for disorder, must it be a friggin neurosis? Please michzz, that's a little over the top. Plenty of perfectly sane people have been "cheated on", and I think most of us in the "cheated on camp" can safely count ourselves among their number.

So let's sum this up and reach some sort of compromise so we can "gain closure" and "move on". I love psycho-babble terms. I think collectively we can agree on the following clinical term to describe the after effect of being cheated on: *Post Stress.*

As someone who has walked a little down this road himself, I think *"Post Stress"* accurately describes the state I found myself in after I was informed of my spouse's "alleged" activities.

Glad the "Good Dr." could be of some assistance in this matter. LIL


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can be dismissive of it for whatever reason you want, however, the trauma SOME people experience resulting from infidelity is a very real effect. 

That it is not your experience is kind of irrelevant. 

Changes in brain chemistry and function are real effects.

Experiences can trigger a re-experiencing of trauma for an extended period of time. Trauma is not just physical. Psychological trauma is well documented.

In any event, can't hurt to read a book or look into it before being dismissive of it.

I found it to be useful.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT. You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. (quoted from a really good book )

For me to answer the original question (in my own way)...
"NOW" (this moment) is the time to stop talking (and obessing) about the past and what he has done....and simply prolonging your pain. NOW


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

BTW me also, was VERY happy to see the positive post about your discussion. 

awesome. keep going


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

To see two regular forum members hi-jack this thread to argue a point for their own merit is sad. Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves for flexing your E-peens on someone elses thread just to punch home your own opinions when the person who came here was seeking help. Good job, I hope your both proud of yourselves. 

They are recognizing their own mental delema and asking for help with coping with their dealing with an adulterous spouse and how to recover, and good advice has been given. But I think its safe to say all of us deal with it differently. What works for some doesn't always work for others. MT appears to turn his on and off like a light switch while michzz recogonizes their own more deeply. Neither opinion is wrong and no one should ever downplay howsomeone deals with their own or how they compare their emotions. Any therapist would or could agree with either assesment of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree that we all deal with things in our own way and for some people its a very traumatizing thing. I can move on and be happy but when I see a kissing part on a movie or something it brings me to this lol. I HATE THAT! my main thing is her she was a compete wench I will post the letter she sent me on here its horrible the entire thing she made out to be me. I am over her now I think that this entire time I was still trying to keep things somewhat ok and mend things cause I missed her. But now I see that there is no her in my life she isnt a good person. And she is even worst for making it all me. I am just glad my husband loves me and he had a dumb low moment thats all she was and she can think whatever she wants cause I reallly dont think he wanted her.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

sunflower, I would only "exhume a corpse from the past" if there was something relevant to obtain or learn from the whole messy process.

If your husband is no longer engaged in the behavior; if he has taken responsibility for his mistake; if he has attempted to repair the damage he has caused; and if he has repented or apologized for it, I'd frankly keep it the past where it belongs, buried. LIL


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Obsession is a choice.
> So what you need to do is solve this problem is work on yourself. It has nothing at all to do with him. His past behaviour may well be the SUBJECT of your obsession, but the obsession itself is entirely yours.
> 
> By using the word obsession, you have already taken the first step in realising what it is - a self-created indulgence.
> ...


Ok, on the one hand, yes the person who is obsessed needs to get help and work on themselves. The solution can't come from anywhere else.

However, on the other hand, there are components of dealing with infidelity that are definitely trauma responses. In my case I already had a predisposition to anxiety and very mild OCD (obsessive/intrusive thoughts). I also have a very sharp, very visual memory. This led to very visceral flashbacks where I would envision my partner and the OW together (based on graphic descriptions I read in web logs). 

I addressed them through some cognitive behavioral techniques - essentially, overlaying the flashback memories with positive, new memories of myself and my partner together. It's still a work in progress but I know that reinforcing the neural pathways of those flashbacks only strengthens them. HOWEVER I cannot prevent the thoughts from popping into my mind. I cannot choose whether or not that happens, and that is where it is similar to PTSD. I can choose to divert my attention immediately but it can be hard and sometimes I fail.

I would say that I have PTSD like patterns to how I've reacted. It was the same was I was unfairly terminated from a job. It is nowhere near equivalent to the experience of a war vet or anything but knowing how the process functions is helpful for addressing it.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I was not able to read all the responses, so forgive me if mine is redundant; however, you should not stop until you are satisfied and ok with things. My bf does have a difficult time talking about emotions, especially when he knows they are going to hurt me...so what I did was implemented a Journal where we keep it in a central point in the room and we can write in it whenever, whatever, etc. and because we do not read it while the other is around there are no immediate actions required or expected. It allows us to get our feelings out, step back from them and think about them or let them go and then come back and discuss them and/or the other responds in the journal. It seems to work well so far and he has opened up more lately, because he realizes that I really just need some type of closure and understanding and that I am not asking the questions to be angry and hurtful or keep the situation going. 

Our communications have become more open, and we text, call, write and have last minute conversations before bed (that no longer keep me up all night)...

Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I honestly think that the biggest part to the obsession in all of this was my pride. I mean I would start to think OH SHE PROB. THINKS HE WANTED HER NOT ME. because he approached her. the second time and she had the nerve to tell me that he was seeing if he had feelings for me or her????what is that? so then I get thoughts in my head that she just thinks that he doesnt really love me and wants her and I get pissed OFFFFFFFF and thats when my mind goes~!


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I understand. I too am in the same boat. I don't think it is pride as much as the unknown. You don't really know how their relationship was, you were not there. You only know what is told to you. You don't know how they acted and reacted to one another, what was said and what was truly felt...so in order to try to make yourself feel better about not knowing, you create what you feel happened. This is why it is important to ask the questions you need to know and important for them to tell you the answers (closure). I go through this as well. I don't know the secret answer as I am still searching myself. But I am hoping that with the healing and rebuilding of my relationship that these feelings and thoughts will subside. NOTE: Most of the time when people cheat it is not because of something you are lacking or something someone else has, it is normally something going on with that person. They hide behind the lies and deceive themselves and justify it all to themselves, but they know in their heart of hearts that they were wrong...which is why it is often hard for them to come clean and tell the truth. Between that and the fact that they really "don't want to hurt you"...it's selfishness.

My being pissed off caused many blowups; with the journal it has helped me...because I can write it (as if I spoke it) which helps me get it off my chest and then at some point later (after he has read what I have written) we can discuss...and if he chooses not to read it, then I take it to him. Try to remain even toned cause the raised voices etc. only causes people to shut down to avoid further confrontation.

Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

EXACTLY that. also the others I mean I hate the fact that it was my best friend and NOT some random person that we dont know but we are all so connected and everyone knows. So I go around ppl and I seriously get a complex. Either that ppl think that he wanted her or she is thinking that or they look at us like we are a horrrible couple now. Or the men all guard their wifes like my husband is going to try something. Seriously I hate these thoughts. I dont know if everyone thinks that their marriages are perfect. But they do now know that mine isnt. And in a way that bugs me. I know I shouldnt care and EVERYONE has problems but I want them to all think that we are happy cause we are. and that he does. love me and he NEVER loved her. I know I sound like a psycho!


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I completely understand that. You do not sound psycho; you sound human with feelings. perception means a lot in today's society and no one wants people to think that they are in a one sided relationship or a relationship that is not happy most of the time...yes people know that others have problems, but it is as if you don't speak on them it is non-existent and/or minimal; but now that the information is out there (without your control) you can not control it and spin it and make it ok...it is like if you say something then you are wrong and if you don't say anything you are wrong...how do you win the war with your pride and perception of those around you. While you are not supposed to care about such things (as society portraits), you do; as many people do. My bf had an A with someone I didn't know and I feel these things simply because he took her around our mutual friends and I suspect his kids (as he knows her child)...so to think that it is in a close net of people etc. I can imagine it is that much more difficult. As if you almost want to lash out at everyone around you for looking at you and you feel as if they are judging you constantly. It makes it difficult to enjoy your friendships/relationships as you did before...not that these people did anything wrong, but you feel that being projected to you because they know. Sorry I don't have a suggestion/answer right now, but hopefully it will get better and those feelings will subside.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

christmaslady said:


> I completely understand that. You do not sound psycho; you sound human with feelings. perception means a lot in today's society and no one wants people to think that they are in a one sided relationship or a relationship that is not happy most of the time...yes people know that others have problems, but it is as if you don't speak on them it is non-existent and/or minimal; but now that the information is out there (without your control) you can not control it and spin it and make it ok...it is like if you say something then you are wrong and if you don't say anything you are wrong...how do you win the war with your pride and perception of those around you. While you are not supposed to care about such things (as society portraits), you do; as many people do. My bf had an A with someone I didn't know and I feel these things simply because he took her around our mutual friends and I suspect his kids (as he knows her child)...so to think that it is in a close net of people etc. I can imagine it is that much more difficult. As if you almost want to lash out at everyone around you for looking at you and you feel as if they are judging you constantly. It makes it difficult to enjoy your friendships/relationships as you did before...not that these people did anything wrong, but you feel that being projected to you because they know. Sorry I don't have a suggestion/answer right now, but hopefully it will get better and those feelings will subside.





Do you guys still talk with those friends? Thats a hard one I mean The friends should have said they didnt want to be apart of that and not to bring her around them cause thats involving them? I dunno? I hope that you figure things out.thats a really hard situation. it really is. Have you talked with him?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

LuvMyH said:


> I have problems with worrying about what others think,too. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, but I hate the feeling that everyone was laughing at how naive I used to be. I wish I was one of those brave people that seem to just forge ahead, without giving a thought to people's opinions- but I'm not and I often worry that my husband's friends and the OW must think I'm the world's biggest fool. I just try not to dwell on it and focus on what's important- my marriage and how much better it is, now. What she knew of it doesn't exist anymore. It's a whole new relationship in our eyes and that's what matters.



yup i feel that same way as you do. But you know what you also need to tell yourself is that people who talk and say those things arent that secure about themselfs either. I always just think she wanted it to be more because of what happend to her. so she wanted someone else to be in as much pain as her.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

sunflower said:


> yup i feel that same way as you do. But you know what you also need to tell yourself is that people who talk and say those things arent that secure about themselfs either. *I always just think she wanted it to be more because of what happend to her. so she wanted someone else to be in as much pain as her*.


Especially the part in bold your spot on. You'll read that in "A new Earth".


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

No disrespect to Sunflower but this thread is comedy gold. The idea of comparing infidelity effects to PTSD is straight up laughable. Keep reading those corny pop-psychology books, those authors need the income. You can talk and talk but Sunflower we all need to control our thoughts because thoughts always turn into behaviors. Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

martino said:


> No disrespect to Sunflower but this thread is comedy gold. The idea of comparing infidelity effects to PTSD is straight up laughable. Keep reading those corny pop-psychology books, those authors need the income. You can talk and talk but Sunflower we all need to control our thoughts because thoughts always turn into behaviors. Good luck.





You crack me up man with your snl duck??? anyways I dont agree that its PSTD. But I do think that some ppl do take things a little harder? Maybe you will know this one day hopefully not. But I think that my experiance was a little umm ****ty. I am getting over it I wont be affected the rest of my life. But for some ppl and expecially men I think that they take things harder I have a couple male friends who went through divorce and hate everything cause that women they are NUTS!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

63Vino said:


> Especially the part in bold your spot on. You'll read that in "A new Earth".




I will have to get this book and see what I think~


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

We're all likely to experience much more adversity in our lives than our mate kissing a best friend. If that is the worst that happens in your life (or to anybody) you can consider yourself very very lucky. Now read this 20 times again will you please?




sunflower said:


> You crack me up man with your snl duck??? anyways I dont agree that its PSTD. But I do think that some ppl do take things a little harder? Maybe you will know this one day hopefully not. But I think that my experiance was a little umm ****ty. I am getting over it I wont be affected the rest of my life. But for some ppl and expecially men I think that they take things harder I have a couple male friends who went through divorce and hate everything cause that women they are NUTS!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

martino said:


> We're all likely to experience much more adversity in our lives than our mate kissing a best friend. If that is the worst that happens in your life (or to anybody) you can consider yourself very very lucky. Now read this 20 times again will you please?





I totally get that and I am 150% with you I dont think that my issue was the kiss. It was the betrayel and the lies and both of them lying and hiding this from me. And him being a ass to me the year he did it cause he was hiding it and feeling guilty. And her pushing me away that year and not knowing why. the kiss was just a kiss it was all the other stuff that hurt! well and the kiss did to! THATS MINE AND MINE ONLY!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sunflower I didn't mean the kiss only, I meant the whole situation. If a friend stabbing you in the back and your husband being an ass for a year and lying is the worst that happens, than you are ahead. You haven't experienced enough life yet to realize that this is all pretty insignifigant. Like Kirkster said, your kids are possibly soaking up your drama and emotional ups and downs. Focus on them and your family and your husband and for god's sake, get over it. There's a lot going on in this world. People are living underground in tunnels in Las Vegas just to survive! you have a home, two little girls and a husband. Stop and look at how blessed you are. Get some help to learn how to undo your patterns of behavior. CBT therapy, counseling whatever. Beyond your husband's actions last year, I think there's a bigger issue here from even *BEFORE all of this*, that is your low self esteem, depression, bi-polar? one or all of those. Whether you have PTSD or whatever as a result of last year, bottom line is you need psychological help. 





sunflower said:


> I totally get that and I am 150% with you I dont think that my issue was the kiss. It was the betrayel and the lies and both of them lying and hiding this from me. And him being a ass to me the year he did it cause he was hiding it and feeling guilty. And her pushing me away that year and not knowing why. the kiss was just a kiss it was all the other stuff that hurt! well and the kiss did to! THATS MINE AND MINE ONLY!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Sunflower, I posted on another thread about EA, which is different than a sexual one. It is similar to the advice by Mark about not obsessing, but I dont use the word obsess. I speak to it as making a choice for yourself to accept the things you cannot change type of advice. The only thing you can change is how you see "it," and respond to "it." This requires tremondous strength at first (especially for us women who like to talk about things), but it will get easier. 

Not to get all Godly, but the bible states that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church and women are to submit to their husbands like Christ submits to God. Just because he cheated on you, and chose to go the wrong path doesnt mean you have to. Rise above it. I had to with a years long emotional affair, and at first I fought it and blamed it. Then, I went introspective and what was wrong with me and what did I do or not do? Then, I relaized that it doesnt matter what I do or dont do, he is who is is and sees things the way he sees them. He doesnt see that he did anything wrong or hurtful and I cannot change that. What I can change is how I respond. So now, I have an acceptance that he may do this again unknowingly. Im not going to search for it, its his choice, I cant stop him I certainly cant drill my feelings and perspective into his head. No amount of talking will change what happened, nor keep it from happening again. Obsessing about it, takes time away from you enjoying things in life you can enjoy.

Romantic marriage was an illusion created by Disney Princesses... the reality is 2 people living with each other in close enough quarters that they have to face the reality of themselves. Some choose to face it and accept it and live with their spouse anyway, and grow a deeper intimacy knowing that there is full acceptance of strengths and faults. Others escape because facing themselves in the mirror of their spouses eyes is too painful for them to accept. Much easier to go cheat for a quick fix of the beauty of the delusion that they are someone they are not, but someone that that other person believes they are.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

martino said:


> Sunflower I didn't mean the kiss only, I meant the whole situation. If a friend stabbing you in the back and your husband being an ass for a year and lying is the worst that happens, than you are ahead. You haven't experienced enough life yet to realize that this is all pretty insignifigant. Like Kirkster said, your kids are possibly soaking up your drama and emotional ups and downs. Focus on them and your family and your husband and for god's sake, get over it. There's a lot going on in this world. People are living underground in tunnels in Las Vegas just to survive! you have a home, two little girls and a husband. Stop and look at how blessed you are.
> 
> 
> I KNOW I get that I do I am very blessed with everything anyone could ever ask for. And I am sure you are right this all really is very Insignifigant. And if my babies are soaking this all in OMG I would be so devistated. SERIOUSLY. I want my kids to be happy and grow up knowing life isnt a fairytail BUT there is such thing as a happy growing relationships and that people are people and they make mistakes. I think that my husband has proven that he is more then sorry and I feel bad for keep bringing it up and rehashing and asking questions. It was a mistake and I should leave it at that I dont need to know EVERYTHING. unless MAJOR of course. but your right I could die tomorrow and this isnt how I want to spend my last days!
> ...






I dont have PTSD lmao! I am being crazy though GOSHHHHH I really think I need to start reading books about this PLEASE anyone got a good one I can read!!!!!!!!!!!!



I tell you what though I am sick and tired of feeling like a loser I am going to wake up every Morning with a new attitude it will be hard BUT I HAVE TO. and i need to start thinking I am more then I am!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Sunflower, I posted on another thread about EA, which is different than a sexual one. It is similar to the advice by Mark about not obsessing, but I dont use the word obsess. I speak to it as making a choice for yourself to accept the things you cannot change type of advice. The only thing you can change is how you see "it," and respond to "it." This requires tremondous strength at first (especially for us women who like to talk about things), but it will get easier.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yup I just wish that you didnt have to go through hell to be happy.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

My husband just informed me that Sunday we are going to our Mutual friends we have with the other coupletowatch DALLAS KICK SOME BUTT. Anyways I may see her Sunday I am soooo stressed out about this. I have to contain myself from punching both my husband and her lol any advice on how to handle a situation where I will for sure be out numberd with the women I think that they are all on her side lol. so..... HELP


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Will be a good opportunity to hold your head up, smile, know that it's all over and done with and enjoy yourself. Don't worry so much about what others might or might not be thinking, just be an adult and have a good time. Show some kindness and self confidence without over-doing it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

If you start *behaving* like you are more than you *will* think you are more. It isn't always thought-behavior, thought-behavior it's often behavior-thought, behavior-thought. 

i need to start thinking I am more then I am![/COLOR][/QUOTE]


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Yes very good I will go in there and not think about what she said to make me look bad and not think about how she is acting. What all the other girls are thinking I will do my own thing. Even if its me just staring at the T.V.! I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. And lets all pray that I dont get psycho and think that my husband is looking at her or thinking he wants her lol!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If you are going to hang out and she will be there, then hang out with your H and keep simple small physical contact. Hold hands, pecks on the cheek, etc. Keep that smile on and keep running the thought through your head "he wants me, not you ". It may help, may not. The constant touching from your H should definately help though!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

:rofl: 

Nice!




DawnD said:


> If you are going to hang out and she will be there, then hang out with your H and keep simple small physical contact. Hold hands, pecks on the cheek, etc. Keep that smile on and keep running the thought through your head "he wants me, not you ". It may help, may not. The constant touching from your H should definately help though!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Im sorry to be the bubble burster and if this was covered in a later post I appologize again. I have to respond the the thought going in your head that others are looking at you as a bad couple because he went with your best friend. Unless people around dont like you for some reason, they are thinking HE is a sh!t for going around on you. I know it is really hard to think about others thinking things about you, but doing so when you dont really know what they are thinking is mind reading and it will get you no where but depressed and anxious... and obsessed.

Hold you head high when you go out and know that you are not the one who cheated. You have to actively set your mind to stop assuming what others are thinking... assume makes an @ss out u and me. You will make an @ss our of yourself eventually if you continue to assume what others are thinking.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

for sure and trust me I have made plent A$$ outa myself with assuming I hate that. I dont think that people look at my husband like a creep I mean I certainly hope not. I think that they understand it was a stupid drunken mistake we have all been there. and they know how crazy she is lol. So I will just stay home I htink


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## martino (May 12, 2008)




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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sunflower eventually you get to be an age where you don't care what others think so much. I think you'll be much happier and comfortable then.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> Sunflower eventually you get to be an age where you don't care what others think so much. I think you'll be much happier and comfortable then.


Yes... but I was about 40 when that REALLY kicked in


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> i need to start *thinking *I am more then I am!


No sweetheart, you need to *stop *thinking that you are less than you really are  It's your constant thinking that is the problem. You don't need an extra thought to plaster on top of the others; you need to stop indulging in the unhelpful thought loops that keep playing in your brain.

We, your friends here on TAM find it strange that you think so little of yourself when you've got so much going for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> What he did was wrong BUT I totally get how it came to be. and thats what I need to carry on with not the hate and resentment its only killing me by holding on to that. He wants to move forward and be happy. And he is all about me. I feel that we are finally MARRIED together as a family as before we were sooo imature and just wanted to party and hang out. I love where we are!


This is the most solid and positive post you have made regarding your situation. The real question will be can you embrace this and continue on this path, especially now that you know you love how this feels?

Sexting the guy you work with does not fit well into this mature married relationship. I hope all of that has stopped as well.

Sunflower, you know I had to get past this same thing a few years ago so I will be the last one to say 'get over it' and even a few years afterward, seeing her at his christmas party always made me anxious before and during the event...thankfully we did not attend this year! But in the end, understanding where our marriage was at, how he was feeling at the time vs. where we are today is what made me able to 'let it go'...

That is why this is your best post yet, if you can stay focused on this path and not revert back. In theory it's also pretty logical to think he wanted you all along....and didn't feel you were 'there' back then...but if he wanted someone else, that would have been when he would have said so and moved on...he did not because he is where he wants to be....and the only real issue in the first place is totally in your control...to make sure he knows you love him...that is your best reassurance and it is all within you. The crazy talk with the guy at work goes TOTALLY against this!!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> No sweetheart, you need to *stop *thinking that you are less than you really are  It's your constant thinking that is the problem. You don't need an extra thought to plaster on top of the others; you need to stop indulging in the unhelpful thought loops that keep playing in your brain.
> 
> We, your friends here on TAM find it strange that you think so little of yourself when you've got so much going for you.



So I went into the doctor and I told her all about me well not all but just how my mind wont stop with my obsessive thoughts and we did all these Q and she said I have ADD and Anxiety OMG hahahaha. I mean I knew I had some sort of ADD but? ya she wants to put me on ritalin I DUNNO I think that stuff is badddd


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

swedish said:


> This is the most solid and positive post you have made regarding your situation. The real question will be can you embrace this and continue on this path, especially now that you know you love how this feels?
> 
> Sexting the guy you work with does not fit well into this mature married relationship. I hope all of that has stopped as well.
> 
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> she wants to put me on ritalin I DUNNO I think that stuff is badddd


I agree - google Ritalin side effects and dangers - make sure you are sitting down


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ewww see if its that bad NO WAY! I will stick to my Lexipro! it helps alot! I mean doesnt do 100% but thats ok with me I learn to do it on my own! I dont want to depend on drugs! I just want to kick her a$$ and then I will be AMAZING! hahahahaha!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I will stick to my Lexipro!


For how long?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I have been on it for about 6 months now its doing me some good. Excpecially TONIGHT he was a ******* I think cause first the cowboys losing and being around old friends whatever eww kiss my ass is what he can kiss now.


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