# He doesn't appreciate me as a housewife



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Men.

Men, men, men, men, men.

I have a situation I need help with. Me and my H have been getting along famously of late. Really well. Counselling after his EA has been helping us a LOT. I have come to some sort of peace at last with what happened: "acceptance" describes it. I realize now that is what I needed all along. Now I have that my life does not feel burdened. We have simply been enjoying each other's company and it has been great 

We are now encountering a "bit" of an argument. I am keen to handle it well and not sit and stew over things and get myelf wound up as I used to. I want to handle it constructively, and lightheartedly if possible!

My H works a full-time job. Part office-based, part out and about. I work but this varies, it is regular but casual, and the arrangement is that I am basically a stay at home mom, although it is not so much needed now the kids are a little older, we both like the idea of having one of us able to take care of domestic stuff and be around for when the kids go to school and come back.

Now. My H made what I felt was a really derogatory comment the other morning. We were both woken by the kids very early. This has been a regular occurrence of late, they have been ill in succession and for the last few of weeks I have been up just about every night caring for them and up early. I asked if he could take care of it this once, I was so tired. He went mad. Said I didn't appreciate his job, how hard he works. Said all I do is put a couple of things in the washer and that is it and then sit around all day.

This is certainly NOT true. I am up before him every day to send him off with a hot drink on his way to work. He doesn't have to lift a finger with the kids in the morning AT ALL. I spend most of the day doing chores, as well as looking after the youngest, and make sure he comes home to a hot dinner every night. I do all the grocery shopping, sort out all the financial affairs, arrange car repairs, and help the kids with their school work.

So I went on strike. OK, so maybe not the most constructive way to approach it, but yesterday I did NOTHING. OK, I *did* play with the youngest a lot more than I would usually, and made breakfast, lunch and a makeshift dinner, but that was it.

His comments? "The place doesn't look any different." "What *do* you do usually? I don't know." In response to me being jokey about him getting whoever it is that usually make dinner round to do it? "Boring!"

So I am officially on strike. I am also *extremely* hurt. He isn't usually like this. Usually he'd joke back, that would break the ice, and we'd be done. But I feel so hurt by him. I also know it has brought up in me feelings of not being good enough, ones I had to work hard to counter after his EA.

So guys: what do I do? I don't feel like he values what I do at all right now.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds to me like you are both feeling unappreciated. Which if Appreciation/Affirmation is your thing, you are both feeling unloved.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Instead of going on strike, why not make this the time to restart your full time work?

You would be working, which is apparently something he appreciates very much. All the chores you do during the day would have to be split up now between the two of you, which would mean he'd be sharing in the tasks that you also find valuable. Everyone wins.

You might find even that conversation about splitting up the chores once you find work will open his eyes a little.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

To be honest, its hard not to see him as a pretty superficial, uncaring person. You would think that, given the EA, he would be working hard to show appreciation.

I think he really needs to understand what you do, and how important it is. For instance, many men look at a wife staying home with the young children as a very important thing - like an investment in the child's future.

This is probably stretching it a ways, I know, but I'll lay it out anyway, because its not more radical than a strike. I'd say that you might end up at the place where you have to call his bluff. Tell him that you cannot continue in a place in your life where you feel disrespected. First though, take some time to make notes about the many things you do. Tell him that if the two of you cannot work it out, you will ultimately seek employment. You will expect him to take half of the responsibility for everything. Start working with him to get him to committ to his daily chores and tasks. Let him work out the child care details, because he's been at his job for a while, and you'll need to focus all of your energy on getting a job, then retaining that job. And you won't allow your children to eat junk food, so he needs to begin learning how to shop and prepare good meals.

In the end, you probably value what you do too much to do this. In my opinion, a strike doesn't accomplish much but stubbornness on his part. It comes down to demanding respect for what you do, and your need for rest. Just like you did for the EA. The question becomes your consequences, if he continues to refuse basic respect.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Part of the problem is he really wants me to be like his mom. I can't live up to the standards of someone who hasn't had to work in years and has time to do everything just so. I'm not a born housewife but I don't slack. I see it as my job. 

I feel like I run round after everyone and no one thinks to put my needs anywhere up there. I know it's up to me to do that and I do when I need to. I tell him I appreciate his efforts at work and show him in the ways he likes. What he meant I think was that " I want my sleep. It's more important than yours because I go out to work. You stay at home all day."

He spent two hours after work yesterday cleaning up the kitchen and family room. He only stopped for 10 minutes to eat a hotdog. That doesn't scratch the surface of everything AND he didn't have to do anything wiyh the kids at the same time either. I do like the idea of going back to work and I know he'd like the boost in income despite liking me being at home. 

And I do think this is making him stubborn Halien. He is being mean and that is not the usual him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband doesn't appreciate the work you do. You don't appreciate the work he does. That is clear from your post.

Now, in your heart and in your head you may appreciate what he does and vice versa. But do you in your words and actions?

By going on strike, you are trying to set out to "prove" that you work hard around the house. Then his reaction will be to "prove" that he works hard at work. This is a battling type strategy of you two AGAINST each other.

Another option is to model what words and actions of appreciation are. Meaning you use your words and your actions to demonstrate your appreciation for what he contributes to the home. His likely reaction will be to do the same for you once he notices... If he doesn't notice that's when you nudge him about what you need him to do or say... This is a strategy of you two working FOR each other rather than against.

It's really your call how you want to operate within your marriage. But spouses acting "against" each other rarely function in a good marriage.


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