# Sex or Affection: Which is more important?



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I ask this question because honestly, even though I don't like the thought of it (and may have no choice), if my wife was affectionate with me I could live without sex. I am almost old enough to where it kind of makes sense that sex is not so necessary to communicate love, but affection is.

Make sense?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree, but I'd be more inclined to call it "intimacy" than affection. I have loads of people who like me but I get something special out of having a very close bond with my wife, whether sex comes into play or not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When I'm 97 years old, I'll happily settle for "affection". But for now, intimacy is where it's at. Preferably naked, tangled up, monkey sex intimacy...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Affection, without it I lose interest in sex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What's up with this "OR" business?


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Thebes said:


> Affection, without it I lose interest in sex.


Snap!


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

In my relationship, the more sex we have, the more affectionate we are, just naturally. One leads to the other. The BIG question is, will affection lead to sex (if sex is lacking in the relationship)? I don't necessarily think so. Affection can be something we show our children, our pets, other family members. Intimacy (talking, sharing very personal things, sharing emotions while sitting close and touching)....that can lead to sex or the feelings or wanting to express yourself sexually. My final answer: they are equally important.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Affection is more important for me, as much as I do love sex. I could live without the sex, but affection is like lifeblood for me in a relationship.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I agree, but I'd be more inclined to call it "intimacy" than affection. I have loads of people who like me but I get something special out of having a very close bond with my wife, whether sex comes into play or not.


Intimacy is all part of it and that close bond is what I think makes the marriage relationship unique. When I think of affection, I think more of the touching and physical closenness that comes with affection -- holding hands, an arm around the waist or shoulders, a hug from behind. While I have friends that I am affectionate with, most of that affection is not that type of touching. I need affectionate touch from my wife, closeness, a physical reminder of that intimate bond.

Intimacy is what makes our spouse that one special person.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

At this stage in my life, I need his sex more than his affection. Having a toddler, my days are already filled with hugs, kisses and cuddles of another kind. These are sweet and nice and an awesome part of being a mom. However, it also means my need for general affection is pretty much met. I need sex from my spouse to satisfy me in a completely different way... and I'm not just talking about orgasms. The intimacy and bonding that comes from sex is very different in a lot of (good) ways.

After a day of being covered in baby slobber and grubby hand prints, it's nice to be touched in a completely different way by my spouse. It's a reminder of who we are to each other, of our attraction to and desire for one another.

I do think they are equally imortant and before kids/when my youngest is older (I felt similar when my oldest was this age), I know my spouse's non-sexual affection will probably be more important to me than it is right now.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

C. Sex AND Affection


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can pack a LOT of affection and intimacy into a sexual encounter, but you can't pack ANY sex into an affectionate encounter. My answer: sex!

Ideally, I want affection and intimacy _as well as _sex with intimacy and affection.

Someday, if neither of us can have sex, I'll settle for affection.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> Intimacy is all part of it and that close bond is what I think makes the marriage relationship unique. When I think of affection, I think more of the touching and physical closenness that comes with affection -- holding hands, an arm around the waist or shoulders, a hug from behind. While I have friends that I am affectionate with, most of that affection is not that type of touching. I need affectionate touch from my wife, closeness, a physical reminder of that intimate bond.
> 
> Intimacy is what makes our spouse that one special person.


:iagree:

I wouldn't be in a relationship without this kind of affection/intimacy. And I wouldn't be having any sex without it, either.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Thebes said:


> Affection, without it I lose interest in sex.


I can say the same for myself. :iagree:


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

When you are young I think both are equally important.

Sex without affection? It sounds awful.

One day, if we live long enough, I guess I will have to settle just for affection.

But not yet! (and this after 37 years!)


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Sex without affection? It sounds awful.


It sounds shallow and meaningless, something that won't be remembered. I bet there are plenty of people who can't remember the name of former partners or anything significant about their sexual experience with them.



tryingtobebetter said:


> One day, if we live long enough, I guess I will have to settle just for affection.
> 
> But not yet! (and this after 37 years!)


Ha ha! I love it!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think they are both as important.

heck I would go as far as saying that one SUCKS without the other. I wouldn't want affection with no sex to follow. Or have sex with no affection.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Lila - that poses an interesting question in itself.....we are choosing which is more important, sex or affection. There are times in relationships when, due to physical or (more likely) emotional issues, one or the other cannot be given. I guess the MOST important things then become love and compassion. Those are the cake. Sex is the icing. Affection is the sugar. Yes, you can make a cake without sugar but definitely not as sweet. It WILL still hold together though (love and compassion). And the more icing the better!! YUMMY! : )


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Honestly, some good hard banging animal lust sex is OK with me, but it needs to be with my spouse, the one I am affectionate with. In that case the affection does not ALWAY need to accompany sex. (heh heh)

I am in a relationship with little to no affection, zero sex. While my wife wants to express her relationship by talking to me and showing that she cares about me that way, she won't touch me or show me physical affection. Want to talk about what that does to how close I feel to her, how intimate I feel with her? There is no communication that comes through touch. There is a bond that comes with staying with the same person, sharing life with them, for a long time (22 years).. but I am not sure that is all I want.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> I am in a relationship with little to no affection, zero sex. While my wife wants to express her relationship by talking to me and showing that she cares about me that way, she won't touch me or show me physical affection. Want to talk about what that does to how close I feel to her, how intimate I feel with her? There is no communication that comes through touch. There is a bond that comes with staying with the same person, sharing life with them, for a long time (22 years).. but I am not sure that is all I want.


20 years here and I cannot even remotely comprehend above. How did you allow this to happen or accept it is my question?

Love is defined by ACTION. Not words. Words are cheap.

Your wife does NOT love you. If she did, she would make sure that she meets your expectations and ultimate definition of LOVE (for men it's sex).

I'm sorry

I'm pretty sure I would be thinking divorce within few weeks of intimate negligence (many here will tell you it's as bad as cheating, including me!)


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Wanttolove - A relationship with no touch at all is not one I would be happy in. I should say, barring some extreme situation (car accident, medical illness), I would not be happy. If my partner was able to but not willing to touch me, share a mutually satisfying sex life, hold me, caress me....I feel like I would wilt inside. Without reading back through all the posts, remind me, was the relationship more physical in the past? What do you feel has changed things for her?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

My wife is able.
We have two children.
The story is too long to post here and I have likely whined about it a bit too much here any way! 

I can't same I am not culpable in some way. I am no longer trying to bridge the gap or change things. A large part of me wants my wife to show she still desires me by showing me some affection. I would take that, would be willing to accept only that and not expect anything else. Stubbornly, I am saying that if you are not going to try, neither am I, and I am blaming her for shutting me out for years to get me to the point where I have no desire to care.

Yikes.

In counseling several years ago, she said that she withheld from me because she felt I did not support her during a miscarriage and resulting D & C. It wasn't that I wasn't there and trying to support her emotionally -- it was clear that I did not want the child. That is partially true, in that I did not want a third child, but it was not true that I did not want the child that had been conceived. She now denies that she even said that in counseling, says simply that she does not respect me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> My wife is able.
> We have two children.
> The story is too long to post here and I have likely whined about it a bit too much here any way!
> 
> ...


You should post it, and we will help. 

But I can make it short and sweet for you (already did).

Your wife doesn't love you. 

DO NOT STAY> Run

DO NOT think about your children while making this decision either. As long as you remain in their life, they will be fine. Remember, they are LEARNING what relationship IS from you TODAY.

That is NOT good and WILL have an effect on their life.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

You have hit on my biggest struggle. And I have posted about it here for the last two years, so there are people here who will criticize for my continuing to talk without action. I am here because I am struggling, though, and one of the reasons I am participating here.

My kids are the biggest reason, besides financial and damage to reputation fears (I am a very active Christ follower), as well as the spiritual struggle, that I am still married. This summer I started taking action by contacting a lawyer. I have said that I am waiting until my daughter finishes her freshman year of college to take action as I do not want to mess up her first year. We shall see if I can follow through.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Also to add, my leaving may have a negative affect on their life. What if I stay and DO manage to come through this time with a marriage that is healthy and intact?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> You have hit on my biggest struggle. And I have posted about it here for the last two years, so there are people here who will criticize for my continuing to talk without action. I am here because I am struggling, though, and one of the reasons I am participating here.
> 
> My kids are the biggest reason, besides financial and damage to reputation fears (I am a very active Christ follower), as well as the spiritual struggle, that I am still married. This summer I started taking action by contacting a lawyer. I have said that I am waiting until my daughter finishes her freshman year of college to take action as I do not want to mess up her first year. We shall see if I can follow through.


I hope this doesn't offend you but above is reason # 563242 why I think religion is bunch of BS.

I'm sorry and I can't really help you on the "faith" end as I have seen SO often that religion makes people do stupid/crazy things.

You are my evidence.

Your daughter will be JUST fine by going to a new school (millions of kids move with their family yearly). So what, she might *****/complain about it......she will do so REGARDLESS what you do!





wanttolove said:


> Also to add, my leaving may have a negative affect on their life. What if I stay and DO manage to come through this time with a marriage that is healthy and intact?


what if?

What if meteor comes down and takes out entire human species?

HISTORY IS THE BEST INDICATOR OF THE FUTURE.

You said it's been 20 years? And you still have hope? 

I feel really sorry for you.....I really do.

Looks, outside of few people her that might help you and give a ****.....and perhaps some of your family/friends......no ONE gives a ****.

NO ONE will help you. You are on your own (this includes "god"). 

Accept this, it's reality. You can ONLY rely on yourself. People here, your family and friends can only help with words (perhaps some other minor ways).

All of the hard work > it's ALL on you


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

I want to share a couple things. I have two daughters who were very young when I divorced. Their father loves them and is very active in their lives. We never made things difficult for each other and spend birthdays and holidays together, with his family and my girls. My girls are well-adjusted, excel in school, play sports, and well-liked with a ton of friends. There IS life after divorce and your daughter will be okay if you continue to show your love and support of her. She will be angry at you, possibly, but she will move past that. She is old enough to understand that people need to be happy and feel loved in life. Many people post about the examples we set for our children in our own relationships. By staying you may not be providing a great role model for a marriage in general. God will forgive you if you make this decision. He's very good at the whole forgiveness thing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tryagain13 said:


> I want to share a couple things. I have two daughters who were very young when I divorced. Their father loves them and is very active in their lives. We never made things difficult for each other and spend birthdays and holidays together, with his family and my girls. My girls are well-adjusted, excel in school, play sports, and well-liked with a ton of friends. There IS life after divorce and your daughter will be okay if you continue to show your love and support of her. She will be angry at you, possibly, but she will move past that. She is old enough to understand that people need to be happy and feel loved in life. Many people post about the examples we set for our children in our own relationships. By staying you may not be providing a great role model for a marriage in general.


Great timing and a great post. 

Thanks for sharing!



tryagain13 said:


> God will forgive you if you make this decision. He's very good at the whole forgiveness thing.


:scratchhead:

Is he? 

So if I kill someone, I won't go to hell?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

We have been married 22 years. Our longevity more to do with commitment. We both have parents that celebrated 50 year wedding anniversaries. My parents now are thankful they stayed together and yes, they are thankful to god for that.

A lot of people do stupid things in the name of RELIGION, but faith is a whole different story.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> We have been married 22 years. Our longevity more to do with commitment. We both have parents that celebrated 50 year wedding anniversaries. My parents now are thankful they stayed together and yes, they are thankful to god for that.


NO, they are thankful TO THEMSELVES for that. THEY made it happen, not god. 

There is no god.

don't compare yourself to your parents. Chances are, that your mom was a WAY better person than your wife and showed your husband LOVE.



wanttolove said:


> A lot of people do stupid things in the name of RELIGION, but faith is a whole different story.


You will NOT make it to 50 without love in your relationship. Actually I take that back, you might, but at 50 years, will you look back and really say "these 50 years were amazing!!!"

I'm at 20 years right now, and can say that.....TODAY.

Matter a fact, talk to your father and get his opinion on your issues. 

No relationship is EVER worth being in when there is no love and severe negligence.

Take me up on it if you want, KEEP finding out for yourself.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I do talk to my father about my relationship to my wife, about my wife, and about my mother. That is one of the reasons I am practicing patience in my marriage. It is also one the reasons I am thinking about divorce. 

One suggestion, it is best not to discount someone's faith in god. Their faith is relevant to them and they will respect your opinion less if you do not respect the faith that they have. I respect someone who does not believe in god when they are able to do the same for me. 

A non-believer thinks person is too simple (stupid) for believing in something that is obviously not there. A believer can not understand why someone chooses to ignore a God who is so obviously simple to recognize.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

DoF said:


> NO, they are thankful TO THEMSELVES for that not god
> 
> don't compare yourself to your parents. Chances are, that your mom was a WAY better person than your wife and showed your husband LOVE.


My parents believe in god, so they are thankful to god. They are thankful for and to each other.

I appreciate why you say not to compare, but the longevity of each marriage demonstrates why we each believe in committing to the long haul. My mom has her own quirks and is indeed a different person than my wife. It is not mine to say which is better.. and better that I don't say. Wouldn't want to compare!

But yes, my mom has a respect for my father that my wife is not able to understand nor does she want to understand. That comes from what she learned from watching her parents, I believe. Her mother was the same way. I found that out last year when I asked my FIL for some time and asked him about the relationship he had with his wife. I learned a lot about my own wife from that conversation.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Hi WTL. Is your W and M still worth it to you? Then you know what you need to do. Don't hang around people who tell you to dump her just because she's not putting out sexually. It is your choice and only YOU need to be content with it. 

I don't know your entire story, but I do know that things can change.

I'd rather regret that I held on too long, than to regret giving up too soon. Maybe you feel the same way.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

In my marriage, we could have affection without sex for a time, and DH would eventually withdraw. I would in turn feel less inclined towards sex and the whole system would collapse into fighting and a lack of connection, causing me to come here and ask what I could do to save my marriage.

So even though I could once upon a time say that I could get by with just affection and not sex, I am not in my relationship alone, therefore for my marriage to thrive, I must therefore have sex as well as affection.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tryagain13 said:


> In my relationship, the more sex we have, the more affectionate we are, just naturally. One leads to the other. The BIG question is, will affection lead to sex (if sex is lacking in the relationship)? I don't necessarily think so. Affection can be something we show our children, our pets, other family members. Intimacy (talking, sharing very personal things, sharing emotions while sitting close and touching)....that can lead to sex or the feelings or wanting to express yourself sexually. * My final answer: they are equally important*.


This is how I feel... I know my H does also.. in the past, he wanted more SEX.. but we had a good amount of affection (always)...yet he was a little frustrated, too many unrelieved erections (he even waited for me....which I learned 5 yrs ago)...

His only attempt to speak to me about having more sex.. he tried appealing for more affection.....suggesting holding me more at night... we'd watch movies together with my head lying on his lap near every night...his fingers through my hair... we talked and shared everything...yet I was content ...wasn't jumping to go there.. 

So his words blew over my head sadly... he never used the word "Sex!"..... Now that I GET IT... and the tables have turned ....me wanting AS MUCH (if not more) sex over him.... it just seems to go hand in hand.. one just needs to reach lower for the belt during these moments... and work it up...a little flirting , teasing, playfulness...can go a long way.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I could be content to have affection without sex ( like a platonic mutual love, for example), but it would mean next to nothing to have sex without affection ( with someone I don't love). At least at this stage in my life, affection wins. My H jokes that he has never seen a girl so addicted to hugs


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> Hi WTL. Is your W and M still worth it to you? Then you know what you need to do. Don't hang around people who tell you to dump her just because she's not putting out sexually. It is your choice and only YOU need to be content with it.
> 
> I don't know your entire story, but I do know that things can change.
> 
> I'd rather regret that I held on too long, than to regret giving up too soon. Maybe you feel the same way.


Thanks for saying something I don't see much on this forum. Maybe I am reading the wrong categories. Most are putting a lot on sex as being the only barometer worth looking at in a marriage relationship. And I am struggling with that.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a pretty good thread......lots of great opinions here......Very valuable, really has me thinking.


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