# No desire, no passion



## marykilner (Aug 20, 2012)

I was in love with a "bad boy" who ended up not wanting to be with me. I met my husband a few months later. An amazing man, committed, never even had sex before marriage because he was waiting for his wife. I never had that passion feeling with him, but I liked him a lot, and enjoyed talking with him. I loved him, it was a different feeling that I ever had before, but I also only dated bad boys before. So I thought the lack of passion feeling was normal and healthy, and that maybe this is what healthy relationships felt like. We would talk for many hours. We did not have sex before marriage, we are Christians. We got married 6 months after we met. As soon as we said I do and had sex I was concerned, I have shown him, taught him and he is better but I don't feel any spark kissing him, never have. He is very attractive, and makes a lot of money. Takes care of me and the 2 children we now have. He does every thing he can to try and make me happy. Still though we dont laugh together (never really have, he is not a very humorous person, but he is very kind and loving) Whenever I tell him this, I have told him openly everything I have said here, he tells me he loves me so much and will never let me divorce him, he will do anything he can to make it work. Although I have been telling him this for 6 years and whatever we try never works. I keep telling him there is a women out there who will passionately make love with him and enjoy being around him, but he gets mad and says he wants me and does not care if I never had sex with him again, although its not good, he would rather have me?! He has never been with anyone else, so I dont think he understands how good it could be. I have sexual abuse history and have had many years of counseling and healing but it still does not change my marriage. I am beginning to think due to my intimacy problems, I should not ever be married. We are Christians and I fear my fate if I leave him, but I am really have a hard time thinking this is healthy, and I really do see a women loving my amazing husband, I wish it could be me, but I just don't feel it. I have not even kissed him once and push him away when he tries to kiss me this whole 6 years. We have two amazing kids, 5 and 4 years old,and I work in psychology and know that divorce is not good during these younger years and children..but is it better for them to grow up with Mom not happy, or is it better to get out of relationship?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It really sounds like, after all these years, you feel like something is missing in your marriage. Would this be fair to say? There is a lot in your post about your H and such, but the H and kids have all weighed in that they want you, so it must be that you don't want him, yes?

It will be so much easier for you to evaluate if you can narrow down exactly why divorce is on the table.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

What steps have you and your H taken to work on your relationship? I understand that you have told H that you are unhappy (repeatedly and over a several year period) and I understand that he has told you that he will do anything to save your marriage (repeatedly and over a several year period). 

What isn't clear is whether you two keep on having the same conversation, or whether you have been to IC and/or MC, whether you have read books and talked about your relationship, whether you have tried to address the lack of passion by working with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues (this one will be awkward because it sounds like he has a pretty conservative view of marriage and sex, but like anything else in life you can get better at sex), whether you both (but especially you) have a life outside of your family that is fulfilling to you -- hobbies, activities, network of friends, etc. The last bit is important because sometimes when we are unfulfilled in life we blame our partner for failing to make our lives interesting/ exciting.

If you have tried the things listed above, then I'd say you need to stop telling your H that you are unhappy and start the process of separating your lives (finances, child care arrangements, etc). Your H isn't going to do anything to end your marriage -- he wants it to succeed! -- but at the same time unless you live a very weird spot there is nothing he can do to keep you from divorcing him. He can chose to play hardball over the custody arrangements, but it sounds to me like he is a dedicated father and will ultimately want to do what is best for the kids.


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## marykilner (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi

We have read some books, and gone to counseling but not sex therapy. Counseling did not help. The books are good while we are reading them but then we fall back into old patterns soon after the books are over and life gets busy! I do have a chronic pain illness, it starts shortly after we married. It makes life very stressful, and I know that has something to do with my unhappiness. The weird thing is that when I am out without him I feel free and happy, but when I am with him out on a date I am just bored. What I am missing is laughter, fun, passion. He never approaches me to have sex and he tells me its because he feels bad about my illness, he does not want to stress me out more. Even after I tell him its fine, he still does not ask, I finally initiate it cause I know he must be in pain. He tells me he thinks about sex with me all the time, but is fearful to express it. Probably something to do with his upbringing. So, I just need to figure out if this is something he can change or not, I really don't know how though, I thought personalities where pretty stable. I mean he is caring, generous, loving, will do anything for me. He is not outgoing, romantic, fun, or funny. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I am not head over heals over a man who treats me like a queen? I just don't know what else to try. I am in college right now and will be pursing my masters, so I am in no place to leave. I do not work, and would have no way to support. I just have this nagging thought that when I am done with school..then I can leave.


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