# Wife wants me to start drinking again!



## scalpel

I was a problem drinker for a few years in my 20's. I had a few embarrassing social situations, two DUI's and frequent crushing hangovers. I was never a daily drinker and my work performance was good, though I could see it could deteriorate if I continued. I quit Oct 1999 and haven't had a drink since. It was hard at first in social settings, but I have adapted and do well at parties and bars. 

For the last 2 and a half years I have had signicant marital issues with my wife. Frankly we are on the brink of divorce, but neither one of us can figure out how to manage our family separated( we have 4 kids). My wife has signicantly ramped up her drinking. She starts about 4 in the afternoon as far as I can tel and drinks wine until she goes to bed at 10. She admits she is drinking to ease her tension. She doesn't get too sloppy, but sometimes she snaps into a mean streak and criticizes me. 

Last night we went out without the kids. The meal started off pleasant. After about three glasses of wine she told me that I should consider drinking again! She stated that I really wasn't an alcoholic like some of the bad ones she heard about and that I was too inflexible. That I had unilaterally decided to go on the straight and arrow and that I "deprived" her of the opportunity to share a glass of wine with her husband. That if I started drinking again I wouldn't be so tense.

I like my sobriety. It simplifies my life. I never wake up with a hangover and I never get embarrassed about what I said the night before. I would like her to do some sober activities instead of the boozy social gatherings she prefers. I was on the verge of asking her to consider cutting back though with our lousy relationship I don't have much pull. 

I think she is way out of line by asking me to drink again. What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

She may be feeling guilty about her drinking, and is hoping that you joining in some will make her feel less awful.

Also are you one of those preachy exdrinkers, or one of the "it's not my poison, but you go ahead" types? I'm thinking the later.


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## scalpel

Shaggy said:


> She may be feeling guilty about her drinking, and is hoping that you joining in some will make her feel less awful.
> 
> Also are you one of those preachy exdrinkers, or one of the "it's not my poison, but you go ahead" types? I'm thinking the later.


I'm not preachy at all as far as I know. I go out to bars and serve it in our home to our guests. A few months back I asked her why our social life had been so slow. She was always the one to plan that part of our shared life. She told me no one invited us out because I dont drink. That stung.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal

scalpel said:


> She told me no one invited us out because I dont drink.


That's ridiculous. I go out with people who don't touch alcohol. I also go out with moderate social drinkers. I steer clear of big boozers, after being married to an alcoholic. It may be that the crowd who isn't inviting you thinks drinking to excess is "fun." Lots of people do.

I'm only getting your side, but it doesn't sound like you have an issue with whether anyone drinks or not. However, your wife has an issue. Tension? Tell her to get into a yoga class! Drinkers use any excuse to toss down a couple belts: I'm tense, my boss is a jerk, my kids are driving me nuts, my spouse doesn't understand me, Punksatawny Phil saw his shadow on Ground Hog's Day, etc.

If what your wife says has a grain of truth to it, do some investigating of your own. I assume you have male friends. Do any of the guys enjoy watching football together? Beer is usually present at those get-togethers. Why not hang out with them and see if anyone is bothered that you're not drinking.

If that isn't a viable solution, do you have one that would let you check out to see if your non-drinking is keeping you from being invited to social gatherings? Frankly, if I hung out with people who didn't want me around because I choose not to drink, I'd rethink whether I wanted them as friends ... 

P.S. - Don't go back to drinking. You know what problems it causes.


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## scalpel

I know it's ridiculous. It doesn't seem to bother any of my friends although I was left out of the beer pong tournament for obvious reasons!

I think she's unhappy inside and projecting that unhappiness on me. She was the center of our group of friends and now she won't hang out with them. She prefers single mothers for company now. For the first 7 or 8 years of our marriage there was a spirit of cooperation and hope in our marriage. We were looking towards the future. Now she complains about not being able to travel for the holidays, not getting material things, (money is tight). How nice would it be if she acknowledged our present situation and made the best of it. Instead she complains about me and how inadequate a life I have made for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gardenwise

Don't start drinking again. That's just plain ignorant. You realize what it did to you and you are happy not drinking. Your friends don't care if you drink or not. As long as you don't project the holier than you attitude, nobody cares. It takes a lot of balls to quit on your own and don't start for anyone.

Your wife is unhappy. A lot of single mothers feel the weight of the world on their shoulders as in why me? This attitude is being projected on to your wife. 

Start making plans to get together with couples. This will help her, trust me.


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## scalpel

Thanks for the reply. I am at my wits end around here. This is just the latest of her ideas including change your job, and let's move to another state. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh

scapel, i've been sober since july 30th 2004. if my wife EVER suggested for me to go back to drinking, she would be history in a heart beat. you doing great,keep it up.


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## jayde

scalpel said:


> I think she's unhappy inside and projecting that unhappiness on me. She was the center of our group of friends and now she won't hang out with them. She prefers single mothers for company now. For the first 7 or 8 years of our marriage there was a spirit of cooperation and hope in our marriage. We were looking towards the future. Now she complains about not being able to travel for the holidays, not getting material things, (money is tight). How nice would it be if she acknowledged our present situation and made the best of it. Instead she complains about me and how inadequate a life I have made for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like she has a few things to sort out . . . and making you drink is not one of them. My wife is 47 and I'm convinced that some of her issues are perimenopause related stuff. (And, I am not trying to be a jerk and blaming her hormones). Dependng on your wife's age, this too could be a factor. Of course, bringing it up can be hazardous in its own rite. I can't see how you drinking will cure her unhappiness.


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## cookie1986

If you are comfortable not drinking, then don't do it. No one should ask you to do something that could potentially lead you in the wrong direction. It's like asking someone who quit smoking to have another cigg. "Come on, one more wont hurt."


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## gardenwise

Been there done that. We moved states to try and make it better. If the marriage is bad there it will be bad anywhere. Unless you have a concrete job offer in another state, don't go. You have your support system where you are and it will be really bad with no friends, family or a job. Your wife is just unhappy. Happens to the best of us and she's the one that needs to work through it. Question is how long will you wait? I've waited 29 years for my husband. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.


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## scalpel

67flh said:


> scapel, i've been sober since july 30th 2004. if my wife EVER suggested for me to go back to drinking, she would be history in a heart beat. you doing great,keep it up.


Thanks for your reply and congratulations on your sobriety. I'd like to be black and white with things but I can't any longer. She's crossed so many boundaries in the last 2 years and this is just one of them. I never commit to leaving even when she says deliberately hurtful things. This one ranks a bit higher than "why didnt your mother get cancer instead of my sister(cured)". Its just the outrageousness of it all. How is drinking going to help us reconnect as a couple? Obviously I won't be starting up drinking again. It just shows where her head is at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal

scalpel, let me submit this thought for your consideration: your wife may have a drinking problem. Alcoholism? I dunno. She wants to "pull a geographic" in addict's terms. "Let's move to San Diego. We'll be happier there. Things will get better, I just KNOW they will!" We take ourselves with us 24/7, no matter where we go.

The drinking won't help you reconnect. But it will push down her feelings, issues, and baggage. And it will become a vicious cycle if it continues.

Fact: alcoholism is a progressive disease. I watched it first-hand. I watched an extraordinarily intelligent, gifted Army officer degenerate into skin-and-bones, who lived to drink and drank to live.

I am NOT saying that is what is going to happen to your wife. Only you can really tell if there is a problem brewing.

What do you think? Do you believe, in your heart, that she has started down the road to addiction?


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## scalpel

She is definitely drinking daily. We sat down and talked about what we could do to improve our marriage. Her not drinking during the week was one of them and she lasted a couple of days. It has gotten progressively worse. Her mother drinks all afternoon and I see her falling into the same pattern. Now her mother has memory loss and her husband basically takes care of everything. I definitely don't want that 10 or 20 years down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been in AA for almost 3 years, and done really well. 

Your wife doesn't sound helpful or supportive really. I could never imagine telling my husband to drink again, after what all we went through for years with the drinking issue. 

I couldn't tell you the last time I had a drink myself, probably years. I have never been a big drinker anyway, maybe a drink once every few months. Since living with an alcoholic for years it pretty much turned me off to it anyway. However one thing I would never do, (even if my husband told me I could), I would never drink in front of him. Even though he must take care of himself and try to resist temptation at times if he ever sees others drinking, I still would never drink infront of him like that. IMO thats just disrespectful to him. 

She sounds like she has a problem of her on. BTW no one has to be a falling down drunk or come home staggering in from a bar at 2am to be considered a alcoholic. Yes, some may be worse off than others, but a alcoholic is an alcoholic, period. 

I'm not sure if you are in AA, I didn't read all the replies sorry for that. However, if you are, I would suggest you asking her to come with you to one. If you're not and done fine without AA thats good, but might be still helpful for you and her both to attend. Also, since her mother drinks and you did as well, she should check out Alanon as well for herself.


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## Freak On a Leash

First, I know LOTS of people who don't drink. One of my good friends is on a medication that won't allow him to and he regularly comes to events, dinners and parties with us and has a great time. I've had other friends who just don't like alcohol and it was never a problem, even back in the days when we were partying and drinking all the time. We considered our non drinking buddies to be assets because they would help us back to our car and drive us home.  If someone is truly your friend then they want and accept you as you are because they enjoy your company, not because of what you do. 

I'm married to an alcoholic and his drinking ruined our life together. He almost destroyed our livelihood and it wasn't until we separated and I took the kids to live separately did things improve. Now we are friendly enough but I can't see living with him again anytime soon. 

He drank and stopped working, drank and went into rehab and still drank until he was puking up his own blood and had to be put in the hospital. Then he was told it would kill him if he kept doing it so finally he's stopped. Drinking is now a death sentence and he wants to live so now he's sober. My husband is just now he's becoming a human being again but all he comes up with are excuses as to why it was alright for him to do and act what he did. 

It took a gun pointed at his head to convince him to stop. The loss of his family, his kids, friends did nothing to deter it. It's a terrible disease and you are correct that if you give in to your wife you'll be in a far worse place. Hold firm on not giving in to her demands and backsliding. 

I will admit that before my husband starting drinking heavily I really enjoyed going out and to bars and drinking with him and for awhile he was a LOT of fun when he was drinking. It also enhanced our sex life a lot because he's a LOT more passionate and fun in bed with a few drinks in him. 

However that quickly ended when he crossed that line and became abusive and just stayed home all day and night drinking rum and cokes like water. Now all I remember is a horrible person that I wouldn't want back in my life. I've told him that if he starts again, aside from the fact that it could kill him, it will end whatever relationship we have for good. 

But even with all this, I will admit that I do miss the time when we were good drinking buddies...I wish I could say that is the problem with your wife..that she is missing her "drinking buddy" but you've been sober for years without a problem and NOW she is bringing it up? So I think there is more to this and it has NOTHING to do with you:



scalpel said:


> I think she's unhappy inside and projecting that unhappiness on me. She was the center of our group of friends and now she won't hang out with them. She prefers single mothers for company now. For the first 7 or 8 years of our marriage there was a spirit of cooperation and hope in our marriage. We were looking towards the future. Now she complains about not being able to travel for the holidays, not getting material things, (money is tight). How nice would it be if she acknowledged our present situation and made the best of it. Instead she complains about me and how inadequate a life I have made for her.





> This is just the latest of her ideas including change your job, and let's move to another state.


I think you've nailed it right here. Your problem isn't you at all at all. In fact, I congratulate you on your self discipline and realistic attitude. 

Your problem isn't your drinking it's your wife. I read your description of her and I see a depressed woman. How old is she? She sounds a lot like myself in my 30s. I began to talk as if life was over, that I needed to move and I looked for things to make my life exciting, neglected my family, my marriage, my kids, ran up debt and was just selfish and idiotic. 

Sounds like your wife is on the same path. I used to do the same things. I complained endlessly about my life being "over", about the kids being a ball and chain (and I only had two!), about not being able to take vacations and I kept pressuring my husband to move somewhere else, thinking it would be better there. I kept looking for that greener grass someplace else. I even talked about packing up my car and striking out on my own. Only that small voice that was still sane and reasonable and knew how stupid that would be stopped me from doing it

Instead I took separate vacations, had single friends I drank and partied with. Fortunately I never cheated on my husband but that's a common occurrence with someone who is looking for "a better life". 

My husband basically raised our kids and put up with it hoping I would "come around". All it did was give him a reason and excuse to act the way he did years later and say "See, you did it and I can do it too!". But it doesn't work like that because two wrongs DO NOT make a right and the downward spiral of our marriage kept going as a result and in the end our lives crashed and burned. 

However, I figured it out and got help. I got therapy and medication and figured it was ME who was the problem and turned things around. Good thing because in the end I was the one who had to pick up the pieces and keep things together when he fell apart. 

It sounds like you and I are in the same situation. You had a problem and fixed it and now it's your wife who is falling apart. I wouldn't abandon hope at this point. What she needs is to seek help. I don't think her problem is the drinking but depression. Some call it "Mid Life Crisis". 

What happens is you look at your life at some point (usually 30s-40s) and say "This is it?" and try and "spice things up". Often times the affected person will hit the bar scene and find single friends to hang with because they are all in the same boat. You've seen them, you've heard of them. It's a self destructive path. Your wife is looking for salvation at the bottom of a bottle..or at a bar, or partying with single friends, etc, etc. 

You are a reminder of what she SHOULD be. A responsible adult who has their priorities straight and proof that you can live and enjoy life without being self destructive. But in her eyes you are a boat anchor, a boring person who is dragging her down so she wants to PULL you down to her level. For one, it'll help lessen her guilt. You'll be a kindred spirit, not a thorn in her side. 

Don't fall for it. Right now you are her emotional punching bag and instead of looking at herself and making the necessary changes to make life better she's blaming you for her problems and expecting you to adapt to her ways. It doesn't work that way and you need to be strong and stick to your guns with regards to not drinking. 

I don't think your wife is going to stop this unless she gets help. The problem is getting her to that point. Not until she looks in the mirror and sees that SHE is the problem will she seek help. You can nag, threaten, plead and it won't work until she wants it to and takes steps to change it herself. 

You have 4 kids who need to be your priority at this point plus you need to stay mentally and physically healthy (that means NO drinking) so you can deal with this. Enabling your wife and letting her continue on isn't doing anything for you, your marriage or your family so you need to step up and set boundaries for your wife.

Many think of separation as precursor to divorce but I think it can save a marriage. IMO it's like turning a burner down on a boiling pot of water. If the pot boils over then all you have is a mess and someone can be badly burned. If you take the pot off the burner or turn the temperature down you can salvage things. Separation is like this. I would consider doing this. 

You can't leave her with those kids because at best she'll neglect them and at worse, you'll lose them because it's only a matter of time she'll screw up and Social Services will get involved. Trust me on this. 

I don't know how old they are but her being in custody of them is a recipe for disaster so that means you are going to have to figure out a way to take care of both yourself and those kids so your wife can eventually take care of her problems, but it doesn't sound like she wants to or is ready to start doing that YET. Separation might be the shove in the right direction that she needs. 

That said, you need to seriously start to consider your options, whether it means enlisting family or getting help in with regards to your kids unless they are old enough to help you. I was lucky in that my kids are old enough to take care of themselves in many ways so it wasn't the burden it would've been 10 years earlier. 

Your wife needs to get help but she won't do it until she feels she has something to do it FOR. Right now she's just hoping you will join her on her path to misery. 

You need to take your own path, for yourself and your kids. You need to be the person you were 12 years ago. It won't be easy but it's the only way to make things right again. 

BTW, I know LOTS of people who don't drink. One of my good friends is on a medication that won't allow him to and he regularly comes to events, dinners and parties with us and has a great time. I've had other friends who just don't like alcohol and it's never a problem. 

I will admit that before my husband starting drinking heavily I really enjoyed going out and to bars and drinking with him and for awhile he was a LOT of fun when he was drinking but when he crossed that line and became abusive and mean that all faded. Now all I remember is a horrible person that I wouldn't want back.


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## trey69

I hope that you make the right choice and NOT do that. Maybe you can help be of some encouragement for her to seek some help as well.


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## Emly

i think she feels guilty or ashamed and let you start drinking again with her and give him a best company


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## FrogLover

It sounds like she has a drinking problem. She feels 'good' for a period of time while drinking, 'hence, asking you to drink with her' but it doesn't really help her or make her happy, hence the mean streak in her. Since you said she cannot stop drinking for more than a couple of days, she may need to be confronted to stop drinking. 

I definitely do not think you should drink with her, that will just make her worse, not to mention, you feel great not drinking.


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## koolasma

its not good
u should do it
u should obey her in dis wrong thing


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## MerlinsBritain

Which ever path you take do not beat yourself up walking along either. 
I gave up for just over 5 years. It all ended when I found my tired short tempered self putting up a tent in the wine making region of Beaujolais France. I pitched first in full sun then sat drenched in sweat telling everyone it would be okay. Thirty minutes later I pulled the tent up (a six people one) balanced it on the roof of the car, and drove/trespasser across Norman land to re-pitch beneath some big tree's. After that I went for a pint, the first in 5 years. At the bar there was an old French lady who smelled strongly of chanel no 5. This old girl was drinking Champagne and smoking whilst also holding a small toy dog. This lady never said anything, she just smiled at me. I think she knew how much I wanted a cold pint. My point is, sober or sane, take it easy.


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## Evinrude58

scalpel said:


> I'm not preachy at all as far as I know. I go out to bars and serve it in our home to our guests. A few months back I asked her why our social life had been so slow. She was always the one to plan that part of our shared life. She told me no one invited us out because I dont drink. That stung.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are a complete idiot if you start drinking because your "wife" tells you to. If your "friends" don't want you around unless you drink, find new friends along with a new wife.

She wants you just as miserable as she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug

scalpel said:


> I was a problem drinker for a few years in my 20's. I had a few embarrassing social situations, two DUI's and frequent crushing hangovers. I was never a daily drinker and my work performance was good, though I could see it could deteriorate if I continued. I quit Oct 1999 and haven't had a drink since. It was hard at first in social settings, but I have adapted and do well at parties and bars.
> 
> For the last 2 and a half years I have had signicant marital issues with my wife. Frankly we are on the brink of divorce, but neither one of us can figure out how to manage our family separated( we have 4 kids). My wife has signicantly ramped up her drinking. She starts about 4 in the afternoon as far as I can tel and drinks wine until she goes to bed at 10. She admits she is drinking to ease her tension. She doesn't get too sloppy, but sometimes she snaps into a mean streak and criticizes me.
> 
> Last night we went out without the kids. The meal started off pleasant. After about three glasses of wine she told me that I should consider drinking again! She stated that I really wasn't an alcoholic like some of the bad ones she heard about and that I was too inflexible. That I had unilaterally decided to go on the straight and arrow and that I "deprived" her of the opportunity to share a glass of wine with her husband. That if I started drinking again I wouldn't be so tense.
> 
> I like my sobriety. It simplifies my life. I never wake up with a hangover and I never get embarrassed about what I said the night before. I would like her to do some sober activities instead of the boozy social gatherings she prefers. I was on the verge of asking her to consider cutting back though with our lousy relationship I don't have much pull.
> 
> I think she is way out of line by asking me to drink again. What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



When I was young, in my late teens and early 20's, I hung around with friends that liked to party and yes there was drinking, smoking and recreational drug use.

I did the drinking and since I have a high metabolism, I never passed out, got headaches and I could remember everything. I loved that dizzy feeling, floating on the bed.

Anyway, I gave it all up in my early 20's because it was a huge waste of money, not healthy for me, and just pointless.

Since then, I rarely drink. Maybe 1x every few years for a toast.

I don't smoke and I don't do recreational drugs either.

Mrs.CuddleBug knows all this about me and that was a factor in her marrying me.


My advice is DON'T START DRINKING BECAUSE OF HER.

Find ways to help calm and relax her without drinking.

- Find new hobbies and interests together. 

- Lots of wild, crazy and adventurous sex. 

- Give her full body oil massages with some oral sex for her. 

- Cuddle with her a lot and I mean a lot. She falls asleep in your arms laying down on the couch.

- Go out together and see movies and have dinner. Mini date nights.

- Surprise her with flowers and romantic cards first thing in the morning before she wakes up.


If she doesn't "get it" after doing all this, maybe move on and get a real woman.


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