# hope is what i have



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

ok so my wife filed for divorce a while back. i told her i love her and that i would be back when i fixed my issues. (i suffer from depression). so she filed in october and i have not spoken to her but everyday i do my best. I do not let my focus down. I go to work and school and will start a part time job on the weekends in about two weeks. I feel good with what im doing. I take it one dayshe at a time and try not to rush my progress. Before all this started I was sad,lazy, lonely, keeped my feelings inside, gambled, drank (though I do not consider it an addiction since I'm able to stop. it was a social thing). unmotivated,
I am trading all my bad habits and making positive changes. I do not rush things because I do not want to fail. so in four months, ive enrolled in school, stopped gambling, don't drink etc. I still need to exercise and catch up on my bills but both take time and i'll do that. I talked to her brother today.I was never sure exactly the reason she left. I always felt her love but everyone keeped telling me there must be another guy for her to turn her back on me so fast, well her brother /9which i trust) told me, no, there is no other guy and she doesn;t go out on the weekends. she just works alot. we share the same friends but i consciously decided to slowly drift away. I find it hard that they will be with me one week and her the next. She also has my brother and sister still as friends on facebook. last i spoke to her, i asked that we can at least talk as friends so she can help me with this pain, she began to cry and said she couldn't and hung up on me.

so here is my questions.
i know i'm on the right path but is there more i can do?
I feel lonely sometimes how can i improve this?
also i feel i love her with all my heart, how can i start loving myself. i mean i like myself and respect myself so will it come with time? She once told me that if i change for me that shell see, we might work it out but then why wont she help me through the process. She also told me she wont believe me if i do change,
i try not to worry but i cry. i think what if she never comes back? im not the dating type. my heart is full of her image. i think ill wait for her forever. im scared, lonely and happy also. happy that im actually proggresing. i just hope shes there for the final product. My marriage means the world to me. i dont know how not to be faithful. this will turnout to be the best thing or the worst and ill have to find out one day, but that day is still aways from today.
I honestly dont know how not to love her. Im 36 and have been with her since i was 15. she was my first and only everything. kiss hug etc. I married the girl of my dreams and i lost her cause of something so sad. everyone that knows her, loves her. she is sweet, kind intelligent, hardworking, etc. even i cant say anything bad about her. i miss my princess. but i wont reach her till i fixed all my issues. ive always been a little silly so since i can't make her smile ill try to put one on your face. what do you get when you cross a cold day and a dog? A chilly dog  i try
thank you for reading and any advice.


----------

