# Men of TAM- need your POVs



## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Okay so you will need to reference my last post if you need some background, since I haven't posted enough to be able to link it. 
I'm Lost- Currently Separated


I've accepted that we are divorcing and this chapter in my life is over, but I think I'm having a hard time moving on completely because I can't make any sense or reason of his behavior post separation. I've gone dark on him and haven't responded to recent texts about stuff related to our divorce. Our lawyers can handle all communication related to that, I figure. 

Since our initial separation 4 months ago STBXH has totally ignored me other than to talk logistical stuff. He's never expressed sadness over the loss of our marriage, regret over his actions or reached out to me even to see how I'm doing. Or still breathing. 

I'm 95% sure he wasn't cheating during our marriage and didn't have anyone waiting in the wings. I'm also confident he is not reading up on doing the 180.

A week before we split, I had been messaging his mom because she was over at our house one day when he was being a total jerk to me. She wanted to see how I was doing. I randomly got a text from her that said "I know (enter STBXHs name) can be hard to deal with sometimes. But you should know that he thinks you are the greatest wife in the world, and practically worships the ground you walk on."

And I thought that was sweet but weird he was confiding in her. Come to find out, she was driving him to pick up some auto parts that day and it was actually him that texted me from her phone. And not her. It's like he couldn't say that stuff to me if I knew it was from him. 

But I know I can't trust in his words when all his actions show he truly doesn't give AF about me.

So I guess I'm wondering, why the sudden change if it's not related to an affair? Does his total indifference mean he probably never loved me? Is it normal for men to become indifferent during divorce when the wife hasn't cheated or been cruel to them? Is he really just that much of an SOB? 

Despite our sh**y marriage we did have a great time when we dated. We were great friends and had a lot of fun.And we had an amazing self life. And I loved his kids as my own. And got along wonderfully with his family. 

So I don't get how he can just turn his back on all that like it meant nothing. It's like he's re-writing history and it's making me nutty.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Honestly who can understand someone like your husband. Your best answer is to just except that you probably will never know. It's enough to know that he cheated and then treated you like a jerk. Isn't that really enough. Don't you deserve better?


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Honestly who can understand someone like your husband. Your best answer is to just except that you probably will never know. It's enough to know that he cheated and then treated you like a jerk. Isn't that really enough. Don't you deserve better?




He didn't cheat. I'm almost positive he never did but I know I couldn't ever be 100% sure. 

But yes on the jerk thing. 


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow that's very confusing.

Can you tell us a bit more, leading up to the separation?

The only comment I have for now is that if he is a guy who doesn't handle pain or stress well, it would make sense that he has been avoiding you. That's one way some people handle extreme pain and stress.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm not yet convinced that he cheated either!

But he just wants a sudden change of scenery and is more than willing to kick you to the curb for it!!*


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## Whatsright86 (Jun 24, 2017)

GuacaColey I didn't read your background story, but I'm going through Divorce now. I also did not cheat but I am giving my STBXW minimal contact, and we only discuss how to proceed with the divorce that she filed on me.

The main reason why I want to minimize any contact is to help me move on. Everytime I talk with her, there's a glimmer of hope inside me that maybe we're not over yet. I don't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed again.

If you're done with him, why does it bother you that he's being cold? It actually disgusts me when my STBXW messages me things like "it's good that you slept well yesterday" or "how are you doing? are you still sick from the flu?". In my mind, I'm thinking "you handed me the papers, why are you treating me nicely now??". Maybe some people can still be friends with their ex-spouse, but I certainly cannot.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My guess is once he reached the decision to divorce he also has to avoid contact with you to help him disconnect. Maybe he still loves you or at least recognizes that you are a good person, but that doesn't mean you are the right person for him, or his kids. He may not ever be able to explain it or he may be trying to spare your feelings, or he may have explained a dozen times but you just aren't hearing him, regardless the disconnect/limited contact is important for both of you.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

I think there is some confusion perhaps so I will give a brief summary of our story.

Neither of us has been unfaithful. We were married a year and a half. He has two children from a previous marriage. That marriage ended because she had an affair and got pregnant. We separated 4 months ago because my STBXH was verbally abusive and I couldn't stay. I asked him to get ic counseling or MC rather than us divorce. I started counseling before I left and have continued. 

Since I left I have wanted to reconcile and made attempts for us to come back together, after we have sought help for our marriage.

He had refused and instead filed for divorce a few weeks ago. 

I wanted him, he didn't want me. No one cheated. I was a good wife. 


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation.

The only thing you can do is to move on, because he isn't ever going to be what you need and deserve.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GuacaColey said:


> I think there is some confusion perhaps so I will give a brief summary of our story.
> 
> Neither of us has been unfaithful. We were married a year and a half. He has two children from a previous marriage. That marriage ended because she had an affair and got pregnant. We separated 4 months ago because my STBXH was verbally abusive and I couldn't stay. I asked him to get ic counseling or MC rather than us divorce. I started counseling before I left and have continued.
> 
> ...


When you move out, some people might take it personally.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> When you move out, some people might take it personally.




He would tell me several times a week he wanted a divorce, he should cheat on me because maybe that would be enough to get me to leave him, he wasn't in love with me and the day I left it was because he told me to "get the F--K out of his face" when I was trying to help him with his kids.

I was supposed to stay? Is all that just part of a normal marriage and I reacted too hastily? 


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow that's very confusing.
> 
> Can you tell us a bit more, leading up to the separation?
> 
> The only comment I have for now is that if he is a guy who doesn't handle pain or stress well, it would make sense that he has been avoiding you. That's one way some people handle extreme pain and stress.




Thank you. 

Yes please see my third post if you get a chance about our background. 


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *I'm not yet convinced that he cheated either!
> 
> But he just wants a sudden change of scenery and is more than willing to kick you to the curb for it!!*




Could be.

I was thinking maybe he mentally checked out of our marriage months ago. So he already disconnected from me before I even knew what hit us. 


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Whatsright86 said:


> GuacaColey I didn't read your background story, but I'm going through Divorce now. I also did not cheat but I am giving my STBXW minimal contact, and we only discuss how to proceed with the divorce that she filed on me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm actually the one who wanted it to work. Not him. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time with it because I know I didn't do anything to hurt him. I was a good wife. And his total indifference is like punishing me further for something I didn't do.

I don't understand why he's being so cold to me. 


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuacaColey said:


> I'm actually the one who wanted it to work. Not him.
> 
> I guess I'm just having a hard time with it because I know I didn't do anything to hurt him. I was a good wife. And his total indifference is like punishing me further for something I didn't do.
> 
> ...


As odd as this sounds it may be the following:

1. He was cheated on in the past. He may have brought that experience with him. Thinking it may happen again he choses to cut the relationship. Even though you will not cheat. 

2. He just does not want a relationship. In short, it is not working out for him. 

You unfortunately have to endure the silence, cold and unfeeling split that you have no clue as to why. For me, your stbx not telling you the reason shows an immaturity. This then brings up the question, if the relationship were to continue what reaction would your stbx have in the future when something in his mind is wrong? Communication is a must for a marriage.


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