# I hate my wife, what should i do?



## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

My wife and i have always fought, in fact i didnt want to marry her because we fought so much. She pushed us to get married and i naively thought things would get better.

We now have a child together, born march 2020, and have been living in a cramped 600sf nyc apartment since covid.

This past year, we have argued over everything under the sun. Covid, politics, her dislike of my family etc.

shes told me she hates me and although ive never told her, i hate her too (when we fight).

she is the type that never lets things go, antagonizes me, twists things i say and gaslights me. She constantly tells me i dont remember things and explains thing i “said” and then ill correct her and then we will argue.

then do this back and forth for a bit till i eventually end up losing my temper. I will go to the bathroom, scream and punch the walls. Not good, i know.

i dont know what to do. I am scared for the life my little girl will grow up with and i fee miserable. I know i married the wrong person but will do anything to make it work.

my wife says i should see a therapist for my “anger issues”. I obliged and she became annoyed that my therapist was “attractive”.
Did i mention shes a bit of a control freak?

she refuses to see a couples therapist with me because she insists im the one with the “issue” and also once let slip that i only want to see a couples therapist “so that i can get someone on my side”.

i am willing to divorce this lunatic. Any help out there is greatly appreciated!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why haven't you already divorced? 

I mean, are there even any alternatives to this situation?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I just despair for your child who is having to live in a war zone and has a dad who screams and punches walls.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Jimjames said:


> I know i married the wrong person but will do anything to make it work.





Jimjames said:


> i am willing to divorce this lunatic.


You wrote both of these in the same post.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Good grief. What on earth is your hesitation? What you do is you divorce and free yourselves from this hell and that way your child doesn't have to keep experiencing this abuse of people fighting in front of her, which will only train her that that is normal and so that when she's old enough to find a partner, either she will be abusive or she will pick someone who is. 

So both of you divorce, get joint custody, 50/50 and each of you have the child the same amount of hours and 2 1/2 days each through the work week and a day on the weekend. And then keep from ever being ugly in front of her again.


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## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I just despair for your child who is having to live in a war zone and has a dad who screams and punches walls.


i agree. I will say, we dont argue in front of her. I go to an isolated area. Yes i have a temper problem but i am being “pushed” to this after repeatedly arguing with my wife to the point where she twists things i say and we go back and forth.

understand, i am aware and not justifying my actions. Just want some advice in how to proceed


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jimjames said:


> i agree. I will say, we dont argue in front of her. I go to an isolated area. Yes i have a temper problem but i am being “pushed” to this after repeatedly arguing with my wife to the point where she twists things i say and we go back and forth.
> 
> understand, i am aware and not justifying my actions. Just want some advice in how to proceed


Tell her that the problems you are having in your marriage can’t be fixed. Then find yourself an apartment and file for divorce.


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## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good grief. What on earth is your hesitation? What you do is you divorce and free yourselves from this hell and that way your child doesn't have to keep experiencing this abuse of people fighting in front of her, which will only train her that that is normal and so that when she's old enough to find a partner, either she will be abusive or she will pick someone who is.
> 
> So both of you divorce, get joint custody, 50/50 and each of you have the child the same amount of hours and 2 1/2 days each through the work week and a day on the weekend. And then keep from ever being ugly in front of her again.


my wife makes double my income and more money than me.

i am interested in getting a divorce. I have zero interest in her money or gaining anything financially.

Would it still be possible for me to get 50/50 joint custody? What if my wife wanted to move out of state?

i mentioned to my wife the last time we argued id be interested in divorce if we cant work things out. This was in response to a previous fight where she told me she hated me and wants a divorce.

She didnt acknowledge that i said it and immediately made peace with me the following day.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

YOU got married when you apparently didn't want to.

YOU had a kid when you seem to think it was a bad idea.

YOU chose a woman who doesn't like your family or politics.

YOU say you'll do anything to fix this...

Yet you blame her for the breakdown. I'd bet it's closer to 50/50.

This is tough love. I know that you know that you can do better. And you can. You have to start.

I'd recommend reading The Four Agreements. Get your mind out of auto pilot with your wife. Never argue with a woman. Learn to validate and ask her questions about what she is telling you and how she is feeling. When it comes to communication, you have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Listen more than you talk.

Ditch the hot therapist, get one that reminds you of your mom who you can talk to instead of thinking about sleeping with and you won't have to worry about impressing. Dive deep into self help and strap in for a long journey ahead.

Good luck!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jimjames said:


> my wife makes double my income and more money than me.
> 
> i am interested in getting a divorce. I have zero interest in her money or gaining anything financially.
> 
> ...


Not sure what country you're in. 50/50 is the norm in the US. Men are expected to take care of the child half the time, including when they have to work, just like women. If you don't do 50/50, you will have to pay child support.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jimjames said:


> i agree. I will say, we dont argue in front of her. I go to an isolated area. Yes i have a temper problem but i am being “pushed” to this after repeatedly arguing with my wife to the point where she twists things i say and we go back and forth.
> 
> understand, i am aware and not justifying my actions. Just want some advice in how to proceed


Unless you have a very large house how can she not hear you scream and shout. 
Please learn to control yourself while you decide what to do.


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## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

overrnbw said:


> YOU got married when you apparently didn't want to.
> 
> YOU had a kid when you seem to think it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the book rec, i will look into it!

yes, this obviously isnt all her fault and is closer to 50/50 as you said.

thank you for your input!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Consult a lawyer and that will help you decide when to divorce. You two are not compatible. That will never change. Divorce and move on. If your parents live close by, move back with them and pay them rent and your share of bills. That will give you a place where your daughter is safe and you save more money to take care of your financial responsibility towards your kid.

Your wife needs to be an XW!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jimjames said:


> my wife makes double my income and more money than me.
> 
> i am interested in getting a divorce. I have zero interest in her money or gaining anything financially.


First thing to do is line up a good family law attorney. Whether you have "zero" interest or not in finances, I assure you that you WILL be more interested if your wife tries to hit you up for child support. If you think the fights you have now are ugly, just wait to see how she behaves during a divorce. You want to be prepared for possible scenarios.

I don't know how many years you have been married, but if it's less than 10 years, finances won't play as big a part. New York is an equity state, so neither party will get hit as hard. Community property states have their advantages, but can also be a huge disadvantage if a marriage is of 10-years plus duration.



Jimjames said:


> Would it still be possible for me to get 50/50 joint custody? What if my wife wanted to move out of state?


Your wife can't just up and move with your child if the mood hits her. As far as 50/50 custody, that's the general rule of thumb. This is why you need an attorney.

And P.S. - If my spouse told me he hated me, even in the heat of the argument, that would be the end of the marriage.

Time to pull the plug on this. Seriously.


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## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Not sure what country you're in. 50/50 is the norm in the US. Men are expected to take care of the child half the time, including when they have to work, just like women. If you don't do 50/50, you will have to pay child support.


ok thanks for this, i wasnt aware.


Prodigal said:


> First thing to do is line up a good family law attorney. Whether you have "zero" interest or not in finances, I assure you that you WILL be more interested if your wife tries to hit you up for child support. If you think the fights you have now are ugly, just wait to see how she behaves during a divorce. You want to be prepared for possible scenarios.
> 
> I don't know how many years you have been married, but if it's less than 10 years, finances won't play as big a part. New York is an equity state, so neither party will get hit as hard. Community property states have their advantages, but can also be a huge disadvantage if a marriage is of 10-years plus duration.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your thoughtful reply.

my initial instinct was to divorce. For the sake of my child, i was trying to make it work.

will consider seeking a family lawyer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jimjames said:


> ok thanks for this, i wasnt aware.
> 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your thoughtful reply.
> ...


You would not be doing your child any favors by staying in this marriage or by getting into another chaotic relationship with your child in the house.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

overrnbw said:


> YOU got married when you apparently didn't want to.
> 
> YOU had a kid when you seem to think it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


Please read this brilliant post, especially the first points.

Another thing, ‘she pushes me to do it’. No, no, no! You have a temper problem, you say this, you know this. In extreme cases, police are called to events where women are murdered - it’s always ‘she pushed my buttons’. You’re not there yet.

I’m hearing so much ‘she pushes me’. She pushed you into marriage, into a fight, into this into that. Also learn to say no - you will be surprised how liberating this is, and extend this to everyone in your life. It’s not easy, I know I lost a good portion of my life to saying yes and to blaming others for the ball of rage I had become. And then also learn to really look at the good things.

We fight over politics and don’t like eachother’s family, but we like eachother a lot more than all of this and learned to listen and disagree but respect that we don’t all think the same and everyone has their own views, it’s not about who’s right.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Jimjames said:


> i am willing to divorce this lunatic


Where there's a will, there's a way.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Jimjames said:


> Would it still be possible for me to get 50/50 joint custody? What if my wife wanted to move out of state?


1. Not with that temper, better work on controlling it or one of these days she's going to call the police and there will be an official record of it.
2. She can't just move with the child out of state in most states without prior court approval.
3. Best ask an attorney, most will answer these questions in a consult appointment.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

My opinion you need stop blaming on her, couple fights and no one perfect.... I had a feeling even if you left her and someone's new you will be same type of person blaming for and ending up live alone


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## Jimjames (Jun 16, 2021)

Yoni said:


> My opinion you need stop blaming on her, couple fights and no one perfect.... I had a feeling even if you left her and someone's new you will be same type of person blaming for and ending up live alone


i appreciate your comments.

i know my post doesnt reflect it but i am very self critical.
The part that typically drives me up a wall with her is we will have an argument about something and she will take things ive said completely out of context, to the point where i am confused and then we are arguing about how i did not say this thing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

overrnbw said:


> YOU got married when you apparently didn't want to.
> 
> YOU had a kid when you seem to think it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...



“Men love to complicate their lives and then make excuses for it.”
- Richard Cooper

This is a perfect example of the above quote.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> “Men love to complicate their lives and then make excuses for it.”
> - Richard Cooper
> 
> This is a perfect example of the above quote.


Oh yes, I have been guilty of this! 

"The greatest enemy lies within".


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