# The other woman in my marriage



## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

I really need to get some perspective on a situation my family is going through right now. I will try to be brief but there are quite a few details.

My husband’s parents divorced when he was a baby and rarely saw each other. But fast forward 30 years to the time when my husband and I had our first child together. After a few brief discussions about daycare for the baby after I returned to work, my husband asked his mother (a recovering alcoholic who still drinks sometimes) to move up here where we live and move in with his dad. I thought it was very weird that ex spouses would live together but my husband said I should trust him so I tried to let it go. 

So my in-laws moved literally 2 doors down from us. They argued for the better part of a year and my FIL finally kicked her out a couple of weeks ago. I was assuming she was going to move back down to where she was living before (she previously lived with extended family) but my husband got mad at me for thinking that we were going to ‘throw her out on the streets’. (His words, not mine). 

We have been paying for her to stay at a hotel for the last 2 weeks but that quickly got too expensive. 

So I then started researching daycare rates in our area and figured out that full time care would be about the same as rent for a small apartment. I suggested that we simply pay her rent/utilities and call it even. We are always struggling with money so there just isn’t enough to try to take care of a third person. 

Supposedly, she is going to get a part time job to pay for her cigarettes, clothes, makeup, etc. But 2 weeks later, still no job. She thinks she ‘might’ get a job cleaning hotel rooms next week but it is not a certainty. In the meantime, she is 100% reliant on us for EVERYTHING. Literally everything – food, drink, cigs, etc. We even bought her a prepaid cell phone to use for emergencies but she uses it to call her other family, my husband, etc all the time. So of course that is just one more thing that we are stuck buying for her. 

I have tried to tell my husband that it would be better for our marriage if we put our daughter in daycare. I am constantly worried his mom is going to start drinking again. It would also end up being much cheaper for us because there is so much extra stuff that she expects from us. My husband is absolutely against anyone besides his mother watching our daughter. 

My MIL is not unpleasant at all, she is usually pretty pleasant but I am harboring a huge resentment that a 52-year old woman that has bounced around from place to place, man to man and job to job is now reliant on her son to provide all of her financial support. We have enough stress in our lives without adding this to the mix. We are also paying for her doctor visits, medication, etc. She has some beningn cysts on her spleen and pancreatitis in addition to Hepatitis C, undoubtedly all from drinking. Yet she still continues to drink at nights and on the weekends. Am I wrong to think we are throwing our money away on doctors and medicine when the alcohol use is still prevalent? 

I admit that I have went a bit overboard arguing with my husband about his mother. I need to find a better way to address my husband instead of nagging and *****ing. I got so pissed at him the other night that the words ‘F-ing mama’s boy’ came flying out of my mouth. But he is insanely sensitive about her and if I even say her name the wrong way, he freaks out and starts cussing at me. 

I have thought about leaving over the last couple of weeks. I do love my husband with all of my heart but I think that his mother has an unhealthy dependence on our family. I appreciate that she has cared for our baby while we work but had it been up to me in the first place, it never would have happened. My husband did not get my input at all before he moved his mother up here – he told me to trust him and deal with it. 

I am seriously in need of advice here! Or at least another perspective! Maybe it is me that is being the selfish one, I don’t know.. But I don’t think so. I am a Christian and believe wholeheartedly in the whole ‘leave and cleave’ principal. But right now, I feel as though there are 3 people in our marriage. 

I am very close to my parents and love them very much but I only see them once every week or two. I think I have a healthy relationship with them but I don't consider my husband's relationship with his mother healthy at all. She lets him boss her around and will do anything he tells her to. In return, she is dependent on him, almost like he is the parents. 

And just on a side note, is it weird that she was in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago, talking to him while he was peeing?? He is 31. I thought it was very weird but didn't say anything to him. Should I?

I am scared that our finances may get bad in the next few weeks and that he might tell her she can live with us. We live in a tiny duplex and it just wouldn’t work. She would literally be around us all the time. I would probably leave if that were to happen. 

I made an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor at the end of the month. We really can't afford it but I don't want a divorce. I just want my husband to realize that he is not doing the right thing for his family. I feel that his mom is a grown woman who needs to stand on her own for once and take care of herself. I find myself resenting her more and more every day for being the way she is. When we first got married, I never dreamed that we would be supporting his mother but just a couple of years later, here we are. 

Any opinions?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

You need to pitch this to him in terms of "Are you helping your mother, or are you just making it possible for her to keep doing something that's unhealthy for her?" She's 52. If she gets a job and takes care of herself, she could have 20 or 30 years of happy life ahead of her. If she ends up in your apartment, she gets to look forward to 20 years of watching reruns on the TV as her life slips away and she's burdened by loneliness all day while people are gone to work and school. That can't be what he wants for her. But as long as he sees you as some sort of enemy on this issue, that's what takes priority for him. If you say "I'm sorry for the things I said. They were wrong, and there's no excuse. But surely you don't want your mother, a healthy woman of only 52, to live this way? People need to feel useful to be happy, and I'm afraid that this is not only bad for us, eventually it's going to make her feel like she's nothing but a burden. Right now she watches MarySue, but what happens when MarySue starts school? Your mother will be all alone all day long, nothing to do, nobody to look after, no purpose. That's a few years down the road, but if she doesn't start doing something _now_, when the day comes that MarySue is in school it may be too late for your mother to go find something alternate to do instead."

You definitely need to get control of your mouth. You might do well to get a copy of _How To Win Friends And Influence People_, and read it. Twice.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First off, there is nothing "recovering" about an alcoholic that is still drinking. By providing everything for her while she is still actively using is helping sign her death certificate. Get yourself to some al-anon meetings. They will be the biggest help to you. Try to get your husband to go as well, but you go regardless. It's not just about fixing your marriage, it's about dealing with someone that is effecting your lives by their drinking/addiction. In the meantime, insist that she get some public assistance going to help with her medical and living expenses.


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## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

Thank you for the advice, I really do appreciate it very much. I am actually in Al Anon meetings right now because my husband is a true recovering alcoholic. He has not had a drink in 4 years; he goes to his AA meetings and I go to my meetings. I haven't been able to discuss my MIL issues very much because my husband doesn't want me to air our problems to other people. Many of the ladies in my Al Anon group are married to friends of his so there is definitely a chance of gossip getting back to the wrong person. 

I recognize that I need to bite my tongue at times. I am not one to cuss or yell but every now and then, when I have absolutely had it, I will let some bad words out. I am working on that. I know I have my own faults and bring my own issues to the marriage but I do my best to acknowledge them and better myself. 

My husband will not even admit that this unhealthy dependance his mom has on him - and our family - is an issue. 

He bounced back and forth between his mom and dad when he was growing up. A lot of this was due to his mom being an alcoholic in abusive relationships. I think he might be trying to 'save' his mom now that he is an adult. I can sort of understand that but I can't accept that we are falling further and further behind on our bills because we are supporting his mom. She is an extrememly needy woman and is always asking for money or items from the store. 

She gets food stamps but only a small amount. She buys very expensive brand name items so her money is quickly used up. She does not qualify for any other assistance, not even Medicaid. 

This morning, I told my husband that his mom is asking for yet another Verizon phone card. I just bought her a $20 card last week. She uses her phone non-stop even though he has told her to save it for emergencies. I told my husband that we don't have the extra money in our bank account right now because the utility bill is due. His response was to just not pay the utility bill on time. He said it doesn't hurt to get a month or two behind on utilities, cable, etc. 

Needless to say, I disagree. 

I just can't fathom a man babying and coddling his mother at the expense of his own family. 

I desperately want to put our daughter in daycare and send his mom packing. I would even settle for helping her out for a month or two until she is working full time and has some money saved up. But my husband says absolutely not and that it would be cruel of us to do that to her. I personally feel that it is cruel to me that he acts like he is the only decision maker in the family. I really do not get a lot of say on most issues. 

He even gave away my old Dodge Stratus - to his mom - without talking to me first. I had the car before I married him and am the only one on the title. But he still had the audacity to tell her she can 'have' the car. So we are also stuck paying for all of her gas now PLUS her SR-22 car insurance she is required to have because of DUIs in the past. 

Is it really so wrong of me to want her to just go away? 

I am really starting to have feelings of contempt and hatred for both of them. 

I don't like feeling this way. 

Having a rational discussion with him about his mom is out of the question. If I say one word, even to apologize for how I approached the subject in the past, he bristles up and gets in his verbally abusive mode. We almost split up last week over an argument about his mom. 

I don't know what to do.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

You might ask him how he's going to feel about his daughter being in day care once you are single mother. You need a husband, and he doesn't seem to want the job, so unless he's willing to man up and accept his responsibility for the family he created, you're going to leave him. You don't want to, but you need something he can't provide: manly leadership.

Be sure you tell him there's room for negotiation, but since he's not willing to negotiate, you're stuck.

To start with, he has to get your car back. You would be within your rights to do it, but _he_ has to be the bad guy about this one: it was not his to give away, and you're not going to be the evil witchy daughter-in-law who goes and gets it. If he wants his mom to have a car, he can give her _his_ car, and he can take the bus when he wants to go somewhere.

Also, tell him that you pay your bills on time, because that's what responsible adults do. You are not going to be late on the utility bills or any other bills. If he is determined to wreck his credit rating, then you'll have to ensure that your name isn't on anything he's going to mishandle, and that his name isn't on any of the bills you're in charge of. If you stay with him, do all you can to ensure that your finances are completely separate.

Tell him that you will not pay for cigarettes or alcohol for anyone, ever. If she doesn't have a job, she gets no drinks and no smokes, period. The cost of that stuff probably comes to more than her $20 a week phone habit anyway.

The received wisdom of our culture has it that "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife". Your husband hasn't done that, and it's starting to look like he doesn't plan to. Unless he decides to, I'm afraid it doesn't look good for your marriage.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I agree completely with ArtieB. 

Does your husband have a sponsor you can talk to? What does your sponsor say about it? 

If you can't talk to your sponsor about it without feeling assured it will be anonymous, then find a new sponsor. If you've been working the program for four years, you should know that anonymity is expected.

It sounds like the program could really help you set some boundaries with your husband. It's not just about his drinking. He is also co-dependent with his mom and you know that can be a very sick place to be. With four years in the program, I'm sure I'd be preaching to the choir if I pointed out in which ways you might be "helping" him, help her with this ongoing family dysfunction.

Get your car back, split up your money if you have to and start standing up for yourself and your daughter. 

If he's not willing to step up as your husband, then you may want to consider stepping down from being his wife. 

I know this must be heart wrenching for you and I'm sorry if I don't sound more compassionate. I'm thinking of your continued well-being and that of your daughter and it doesn't sound like this is a good time for you to remain in your emotional mind. 

Get into your logical mind and figure out what's best for you and her and do what you need to do.

Hugs for the trudge!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is an awful mess and I'm not sure he's going to get how serious things are until you give him a bigger problem to deal with than his mother. I think he's going to ignore you until you file for divorce.

Basically he just seems to run roughshod over your needs and rights to prop up his mom.

Get the car back before she wrecks it. That's an easy one, tell him to get it back now, or you will report it stolen.

I'd just clean the bank accounts out and move out to your parents if you can.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I talked about this with a friend of mine (a lady who lives on my street) whose own family situation growing up was very bad. She suggested two books, _Adult Children of Alcoholics_ by Woititz, and _Bradshaw On: The Family_, by Bradshaw. She said that in college, she had the sense that her family wasn't right, somehow, but she didn't know why or what to do about it. Then she saw this Bradshaw guy on PBS, "and it was like he'd been spying in my house".

She credits Bradshaw with straightening out her brain enough that she was willing to be married; before that, all she knew was that families were bad and she had no interest in being in one. Since we were invited to their 25th anniversary party, I guess Bradshaw must have worked.

Anyway, maybe such books will give you some useful insights. Maybe if you leave them laying around and your husband picks one up, it might do him some good, too.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I really am.


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## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

I really appreciate everyone’s advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to try and help a complete stranger. I just needed to make sure that I wasn’t way out of lines with my feelings here. My husband almost has me brainwashed into thinking that I am selfish, stupid and solely responsible for all of the problems in our marriage. 

Another fight last night. It’s been three weeks now since he moved his mom into the hotel. Still no job, still no talk of finding an apartment. 

Last night, I was told that I am ‘dumber than a box of rocks’ and that one day, I am going to regret destroying my marriage. This all came to pass because I asked him when we could expect his mother to start getting a paycheck for the part time job that she is supposed to be finding. I asked him about it very nicely and he just blew up. 

This morning, I left the house without saying a word to him. I also left my wedding ring on the bathroom counter where he is sure to see it. 

I am starting to feel very brave. I don’t want to split up but I am done being the doormat for him and his mother. 

I will add to this post in a day or two with the outcome. 

Thanks!!

Jen


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome and I'm proud of you for taking the steps to stick up for yourself. Keep busy with extra Al-Anon meetings if you can and use that call list whenever you start to feel down. 

Yes, please keep us posted.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Jenny_Lynn said:


> Last night, I was told that I am ‘dumber than a box of rocks’ and that one day, I am going to regret destroying my marriage.


It is disturbing, but educational, that in his view _you_ are the one who is going to regret destroying the marriage. He sees himself as 100% blameless in the troubles you are having, even though he's buying alcohol for a "recovering alcoholic" and he's prepared to skip paying the utility bill in order to do so.

You can't negotiate with someone who believes you have no valid concerns, which suggests there's no possible solution for you. I wish I had something hopeful to say, but the best I can come up with is that you may have learned important lessons in case you decide to try again.


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## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

I suppose we are officially separated as of today. I left him a note this morning telling him I want him to move out. 

I think that one of these days, he will realize that his priorities are screwed up but by then it will probably be too late for us. 

I’m still young enough to find someone else, Lord willing. Someone who will treat me with respect and kindness. I thought that my husband was that person but I am starting to realize how wrong I was. There’s also a chance that I won’t meet Mr. Right in the future and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to validate my existence with a man or a relationship. 

The other night, when we were talking about this mess with his mom, I asked him how long he planned on supporting her. I pointed out that our daughter will be in school in a few short years and that I hope she is making plans for the future since we can’t go on paying her rent and supporting her forever. The conversation went something like this:

(Him) ‘I would NEVER tell you not to help your parents. You are such a selfish b*tch and you’ve always been jealous of my mom.’

(Me) ‘Not really a fair comparison. My parents would NEVER put us in this kind of a predicament. They were responsible when they were raising a family and always planned ahead for retirement. They would never even dream of asking their daughter and her young family to SUPPORT them’. 

(Him) ‘You’re a f_cking *****. You know I hold on to resentment and the fact that you just called my mom a scumbag is going to cause problems for a long time. I really hate you right now’. 

(Me) ‘Did the words scumbag come out of my mouth? Why is it so bad for me to point out that your mom is completely irresponsible? Why should I be forced to go through financial stress because she spent her younger days in bars and with a different man every month? Her bad choices are NOT my fault and I don’t think I should have to suffer for them anymore’. 

(Him) ‘What kind of a selfish b*tch won’t let her husband help his mom? Who are you? You have completely changed since we got married’. 

(Me) ‘You know what? If you keep up this pattern of acting like your mom’s parent instead of her son, we are going to end up just like her at age 50. No job, no savings, nothing. Do you think I would EVER dream of imposing on our daughter when she is an adult? I would go to a shelter before I would do that. Your mom is selfish and so are you, I’m sorry if that’s harsh but that is the way I feel. You need to set a firm timeline with your mother. I suggest you tell her that 6 months from now, we will no longer be paying her bills and that our baby will go to daycare. I appreciate that she has watched her while we work but you know I never wanted that in the first place. So she needs to get a part time job that can turn into a full one later because she needs to start saving money right now. I refuse to disregard my family’s financial future for the sake of your mom. And if you don’t want to take the titty out of your mouth and quit placing your mother before your wife, you might as well just move in with her because I don’t want to be your wife anymore’. 

(Yes, I know that I should not have made that remark. But I’m not perfect and am honestly trying to work on my mouth. )

(Him) ‘I can’t stand you. And f*ck you for telling me what I’m going to do or not do. If I want to take care of my mom for the rest of my life, it’s my business, not yours. 

That is how most of our fights go. I’m so sick of it. Our relationship is ridiculous. 

I really don’t know why I felt the need to post this. I guess I really just needed to vent.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Jenny_Lynn said:


> I really don’t know why I felt the need to post this. I guess I really just needed to vent.


That, among many other things, is what we're here for.


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## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

Just a quick update...

My MIL went on a bender this weekend and ended up in a town 2 hours from here. She called us Sunday night and said she was going to 'stay with friends' for a few days. She was slurring her speech, cussing, etc. 

Praise the Lord, I think my husband has finally seen the light! He admitted that he has had blinders on where his mom is concerned. He also confirmed my suspicions that he felt bad when he was little because he couldn't 'save' her from the abusive boyfriends that rotated in and out of their lives. 

He told his mom on the phone to not even worry about coming back up here at all and that we will arrange to have her things sent to her. 

Yay!!! I finally get my husband back. Thanks for all the advice from the members on this board, it was very much appreciated.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

It's good that he is beginning to see her in a different light. But I would check him on the name calling. That kind of stuff can be damaging in a relationship, even when it's really just the anger speaking. I was quite bad for doing it before myself.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i am with dryden, he said alot of very mean things about you and even when he was mad he didn't have that right. 

it is a start (if he sticks to it) to me he seems like he is mad now but he may relent and take her back if she ask. have you sent her stuff yet?

keep your eye on the prize and make him man up or look for a man you can put your faith in. being alone is hard but being where you can't stand is worse and a long life.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I'm glad things have gone well, and hope you follow through on your plan to send her stuff. Also, you should be looking into day care for your daughter, now that grandma is out of the picture.

After the stuff is sent and the situation seems to be settled down, you need to sit down together and have a serious talk about making sure a situation like this doesn't repeat. What if his mother shows up on your front steps in six months, wanting money and booze? Is this all going to happen again? You probably can't really slam the door in her face if she's standing there in the rain. So what are you going to do?

You might also take advantage of whatever time you get in between crises to read those books I suggested before, in hopes of better understanding your family dynamics and changing them if you can. The time to deal with a crisis, emotional or otherwise, is before it happens, assuming that's possible.


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## Jenny_Lynn (Mar 11, 2010)

artieb said:


> You probably can't really slam the door in her face if she's standing there in the rain.




Don't be so sure... :lol:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, it's all good now that your MIL has left but what happens when she returns and your husband slips back into his old ways? The situation (for now) has changed but has your husband? He's treated you pretty damn badly and said some awful things to you. I wouldn't let this stand. Suddenly he's "seen the light" and things have changed for the better? Think again. 

He's definitely got some issues and at age 52 your MIL has quite a few years ahead of her. Guaranteed you'll be dealing with her again and once again this roller coaster ride will start up. 

If it does, I'd be prepared to leave. Your husband has to learn what his priorities are, regardless of what his mother does with her life. Otherwise you'll be holding your breath forever. 

I know I couldn't live with this crap. I know I couldn't do this to my kids and I certainly wouldn't let a "recovering" alchoholic who still drinks and is unstable be watching my baby.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

you are 100 percent right about all of this

And you also need a counselor to say it all to him because he won't listen to you. 

You may need to leave him to get him to come to his senses. This is completely abusive on his part - to you - even though he doesn't see it. 

His mother does NOT want to work - and just wants to be cared for. 




Jenny_Lynn said:


> I really need to get some perspective on a situation my family is going through right now. I will try to be brief but there are quite a few details.
> 
> My husband’s parents divorced when he was a baby and rarely saw each other. But fast forward 30 years to the time when my husband and I had our first child together. After a few brief discussions about daycare for the baby after I returned to work, my husband asked his mother (a recovering alcoholic who still drinks sometimes) to move up here where we live and move in with his dad. I thought it was very weird that ex spouses would live together but my husband said I should trust him so I tried to let it go.
> 
> ...


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