# If you get 'turned down' how often does it upset you?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

By upset, I mean anything from annoyed to frsutrated to even angry?

I know it bothers me somewhat sometimes to a lot other times. I guess every time I put in the effort ad there is no results it does bother me to some extent. Is everyone the same way, or do others treat it like water off a ducks back?

I'd suspect the frequency it bothers people is in corrolation with how often they are turned down as well.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

being turned down used to make me feel resentful. I tried not to show it. Then I'd show it anyway. And she'd resent me for it and feel that I was pressuring her.

Today we do a ton of bonding stuff -- naked cuddles, intimate kisses, stroking, flirty stuff and warm loving stuff. That has turned our sex life around completely even though she has a much lower drive than I do.

That is what keeps me from feeling resentful anymore. It is extremely satisfying to have amazing cuddling experience. It isn't intercourse but it is very satisfying. And now intercourse frequently, usually, follows although that is something I avoid pressing her for in any way.

She knows that an erection on my part doesn't mean we should have sex. That I have an erection normally when we cuddle naked and that it won't necessarily lead for me wanting to have sex with her.

It takes awhile to build this type of trust but it is totally worth it. There shouldn't be a shocking transition from ordinary life to sex.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

I agree that it's far worse if you've made an extra attempt to look nice for your partner (i.e. smarter clothing than usual, with some aftershave on), and then 'go in for the kill' and she just downright rejects you on the spot. Sometimes if she's felt you've tried too hard, it's more of a turn-off than if you'd just stayed casual and let things take a natural turn! 

Also, I guess you don't mind if she plays the 'I'm too tired' or 'I'm not in the mood' card occasionally, but when it becomes the norm, and she keeps making different excuses after maybe the 5th or 6th time in a row that you've gone to initiate something, it's really hard for a guy to not feel resentful!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

king,

You know, I don't get as frustrated as I used to because like I've said before, I have backed off on trying. When I say backed off, I mean I haven't tried intiating anything in something like 3 weeks or so. 

While I'm sure this will eventually lead to her starting a conversation about it, I'm not sure how much I'll be willing to parcipate. Too many broken promises


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

It does more than upset, it seeps into you and colors your relationship. Being rejected has caused me to quit asking as often and even makes being accepted less fulfilling. I am still questioning whether it is just chore/pity sex. I should clarify that I do not blame her for initially rejecting - she thinks differently than me. But, after I raised the issue to her - it was the way she treated our differences that really got and still gets to me.

Little rejections still anger me because I ask for so little that when I do ask for something, for her to say no, is like a rejection of me. It is my viewpoint that I never say no to a reasonable request from anyone, let alone my W.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That sounds so tough, I have a super high drive, I think I'd force myself onto her if that ever happened.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> That sounds so tough, I have a super high drive, I think I'd force myself onto her if that ever happened.


I really hope that was sarcasm/joking.... 

Yes, I do feel hurt if I make the effort and he just isn't wanting it. But, then I remember all the times I did that to him and while it still hurts, it dissipates a bit. It' is tough not to let it get to you, especially if there has been a history of infidelity. In our case, it was emotional...on both parts. So, in the beginning it makes me wonder "am I not good enough for him now?".... but it doesn't last. We've discussed it as well, and he has taken to more initiating. Still would like more, but there's still a lot to work thru/get past.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

For myself, I actually do not feel bad about getting turned down by my wife. It's happened so often in my marriage - especially after the kids came around - that I just work my way down to getting her to do something else to get me off. I suppose that she figures that by doing at least an assist on a hand job will get me off her back for at least 24 hours. When I was single, that would have seemed like a joke to me. But after nearly 17 years of marriage, I have learned to accept it and enjoy whatever I get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> By upset, I mean anything from annoyed to frsutrated to even angry?
> 
> I know it bothers me somewhat sometimes to a lot other times. I guess every time I put in the effort ad there is no results it does bother me to some extent. Is everyone the same way, or do others treat it like water off a ducks back?
> 
> I'd suspect the frequency it bothers people is in corrolation with how often they are turned down as well.



I am HD and my wife LD. I used to get very upset at every rejection. After many discussions / talks /fights and many promises on both sides and promises not kept on her side I just stopped. Almost completely. I don't initiate anymore.
After being rejected for many months there was so much resentment in me towards her. So I tried to work on myself and to do things that pleased me and that I could enjoy.

I have to say I feel much better with myself now. I don't get upset if she "is not in the mood". I always try to boost my confidence ( thinking "she doesn't know what she's missing!!") instead of being upset and sad. It's not always easy but so far it works for me.

The negative side is that I feel more distant with her, and I don't know what to do about it. If I try to go closer I would end up caring more and I will potentially get hurt.

I told her about the resentment I had towards her and I believe she understands how It felt for me during all those months.

In the last weeks she has been closer to me ( for example she hugged me spontaneously when I was siting on the desk, working on a project, and she has not do done that in ages!) and initiated sex.
I believed I turned her down a couple of times (I realized this later, I didn't do it on purpose) because I was busy working on my hobby (probably a future business).
So I don't know if this is just a phase or she's trying to make an effort or really her sex drive has risen a little.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

It makes me downright angry. Tonight for the fourth night in a row she said she was "too tired" yet I know if a good movie was on TV she would have stayed up well after midnight to watch it.

Even worse for me was the feeling of missing her. Yes her body was there but the spirit is gone. I told her directly that I miss her, meaning not just sex but to be allowed to hold her in my arms for more than a minute or two. 

I was always under the impression that a woman likes a cuddle after sex but ever since we've been together she has been cold after sex and straight away wants to sleep even if the lovemaking was in the morning or middle of the day. I have never gotten used to this. 

Women are the most cruel creatures ever placed on this planet!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Women are the most cruel creatures ever placed on this planet!


Not all of us are that cruel. Some of us DO like to cuddle. Just like some men do but some men don't.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If it ever happens I'll let you know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotAlwaysEasy (Jun 21, 2012)

Yeah, it upsets me, to the point where I just don't bother initiating to protect my feelings. 
It would be different if he rarely turned me down, but unfortunately he turns me down more often than not.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Most times it rolls off my back. My wife loves sex, and so do I. We ebb and flow in the frequency, but seldom does one of us feel sex starved. So if she's not in the mood, or has other reasons why it's not the best time, I accept it MOST times (I have had my occasional frustrated moment). Now it's sorta funny when I turn her down, because she gets a little pouty (it's super cute), and I have to remind her that if she can turn me down from time to time, it's only fair that she deal with it. But usually when she wants it, I give in any way, even if I initially said no LOL!

If you're secure in your sex life, and know that there is a great give and take there, rejection is no big deal. I think only people who are in desperate sexual situations, with spouses who only throw them a bone once in blue moon, really take rejection hard. I sympathize with that completely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> That sounds so tough, I have a super high drive, I think I'd force myself onto her if that ever happened.


That's called rape. Better rethink this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> ...
> Women are the most cruel creatures ever placed on this planet!


This is not just a thing that women do. There are plenty of men who are just as cruel.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> That sounds so tough, I have a super high drive, I think I'd force myself onto her if that ever happened.


Because nothing says I love you like a good, old fashioned rape.

:wtf:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

jaquen said:


> If you're secure in your sex life, and know that there is a great give and take there, rejection is no big deal. I think only people who are in desperate sexual situations, with spouses who only throw them a bone once in blue moon, really take rejection hard. I sympathize with that completely.


This is a great point. When things are going good, I generally am not rejected (or it does not feel that way) but rather put off until the next night. We follow through and everything is great.

But when things are not going as well, or when you have not been able to connect as well, being turned down is harder to take. Had that flair up not long ago. Had not had sex in a couple of days, she was heading out to visit family for a long weekend, and rather to accept my advances, she decided to watch TV (a big trigger for me back when our sex life was awful). I was upset and made no secret of it. When we discussed it, I made it clear it was not the rejection, it was the circumstances.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I do get upset and I try not to let it get to me but it does. He's getting tested for low t and I think I might start crying if it turns out he has it, just because I will know its not my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

My husband constantly turns down my advances. It's heartbreaking everytime. I have become resentful, and very insecure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

invisibleme said:


> My husband constantly turns down my advances. It's heartbreaking everytime. I have become resentful, and very insecure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I used to get so mad I could not sleep. I would go to the couch and take care of myself, watch TV, or whatever. There were many reasons she would reject me but it was mostly due to other problems in our marriage and a huge part of that was how I was treating her. 

Today, after 40 years of marriage, I do not get angry. Our sex life is good, our relationship is great (e.g. we are best friends, we rarely argue, etc.). I also know that her not wanting sex is not because she does not love me or desire me, it is because she is exhausted from work or in pain (she deals with chronic pain). She is also good about giving me a hand job when she can't have sex or just letting me go ahead without the expectation that she orgasm.

Another thing that we have discovered is that she has "responsive desire" meaning that she does not think about sex that much and can even start sex in "neutral", like she could take it or leave it. Once we get started, however, she REALLY gets into it and usually has a great, moaning orgasm. Sometimes her best orgasms come after starting kinda ho-hum.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

mattcook said:


> being turned down used to make me feel resentful. I tried not to show it. Then I'd show it anyway. And she'd resent me for it and feel that I was pressuring her.
> 
> Today we do a ton of bonding stuff -- naked cuddles, intimate kisses, stroking, flirty stuff and warm loving stuff. That has turned our sex life around completely even though she has a much lower drive than I do.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I figured this out early in our marriage and i think its been very helpful. Sex just seems to follow after naked cuddling sessions or intimate kissing. I find she wants it a lot more if i talk to her more and plan exciting dates or just something sweet i like it because i have trained my self to want sex less but get it more than i feel i want or need it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

my love language is physical touch so yeah....it hurts.


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