# Cyber infidelity



## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi have been married for 18 years and lived with my partner 4 years prior, and last week picked his iPad up to charge it for him on the screen was a list of emails one of which was telling him he had singles waiting to contact him, when he came in from work I asked him what was this about. 
His reply was he didn't have a clue I let the matter there but brooded on it for days, until it drove me crazy I decided to look at his emails, the iPad was shut off and password protected, this didn't stop me put in what I thought he'd use and got into his email he has two accounts.
And what I found has left me reeling he belongs to a site where you find women in your local area and found he had contact with a number of them I've no way of knowing if he met any.
On his arrival home from work I challenged him on his infedelity and asked him why he'd done it, his reply was he didn't know and when I pushed him on this a reply of he didn't see the harm in it and had not met up with any of them he denies he has had any intention meeting up with them, my reply was then why was his account set up for local women, the lies kept on coming.
Another day passed with me feeling betrayed and destroyed and asking why he didn't talk to me if he was feeling neglected or we had serious issues to sort out, he tells me he loves me and he's sorry and won't do it again but my trust and faith in him has been rocked how do we recover from this.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've gotten stuff from Match. com and I've never signed up. I think through advertising, they try and lure you in, I'm not sure if he actually signed up for any of these or not? If he had actually gotten e mails and talked to some of them, then that is being distrustful. Belonging to sites is also another no-no. Even if he is doing it out of curiosity, he is being dishonest and putting himself in great temptation.

I think one plus so far, is that he didn't freak out or get angry. That is a sure sign he is doing something he shouldn't be, but the "I don't know" response is lame and not seeing harm in it is also wrong.

I'm a firm believer in married couples knowing each others passwords to anything social media related and not for the reason of checking up, but each other being held accountable, the same goes with e mails. You shouldn't ever get anything that your spouse would get upset seeing. The only password protected thing I have is a private diary, my wife knows everything else and vice versa, but we have no interest or reason to check up.

I think if you check again a few days from now and he has changed his passwords, since you got in the first time, then that would spell trouble. I would just convey to him how much this hurts your feelings that he is looking elsewhere, even if he doesn't plan on pursuing anything. If the situation was reversed, he would swear you were cheating. Guys are a lot more paranoid about these things, so ask him that as well, how would he feel?


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

He signed up for 3 month trial, part of me thinks he was only waiting for the right woman or to get his nerves up to actually do the deed, when I asked him why he signed up he went quiet and had no answer and I feel the intent was there at some future point, all the woman were half my age which has left me feeling very old and unwanted


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> He signed up for 3 month trial, part of me thinks he was only waiting for the right woman or to get his nerves up to actually do the deed, when I asked him why he signed up he went quiet and had no answer and I feel the intent was there at some future point, all the woman were half my age which has left me feeling very old and unwanted


We live in an age where there is a whole new way to cheat. It's not good.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Jen65 said:


> He signed up for 3 month trial, part of me thinks he was only waiting for the right woman or to get his nerves up to actually do the deed, when I asked him why he signed up he went quiet and had no answer and I feel the intent was there at some future point, all the woman were half my age which has left me feeling very old and unwanted


I'm sorry

I think you need to ask the hard questions, like "Do you want to separate, so you can find someone different" or "Don't you love me any longer"?

Usually when someone is looking, they are wanting a change and have pretty much abandoned what they have? How has your marriage been up to this point, any "red flags" prior to this? Any indications that he wasn't happy?

Once the trust is gone, it is very hard to get back and he hasn't said I'm sorry, it won't happen again or anything to that effect. Remaining silent is his guilty conscience. Most cheaters would opt to not hurt their spouses, if possible, but that is a pipe dream.

You have to decide if you can trust him by talking to him and basically saying "it's us or them", one of us goes, you don't get both. I think if he really cared, he would have made everything an open book and tried to gain your trust back, but I don't see that happening?


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

There was a red flag a few years ago but ignored it because I love him but now I can't carry on like this, it's like he said sorry and we go on in the same way, says he wants to earn my trust but is not open and honest with what he's willing to tell me


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Does he realize that your marriage is in serious trouble and that he can't blow it off this time? You need to give him the "or else" talk and mean it.

If you have no trust, you have nothing. Being a full time spy is no way to go through life, there are plenty of guys that would appreciate you.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Not sure if he does relies on how close to the end we are, he's has his hobbies he belongs to a running club and will go there on the way home from work sometime not arriving home till 8.30pm if not there then it's the gym this leaves me on my own for a lot of time when I'm not at work, then there's the iPad it gets more attention than me I now know why feel more like his mother than his wife.
If spent more time crying in the last few days wish that anger would set in I'm usually a conferdant woman but have lost that part of myself


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You need to talk to him ASAP and prepare to take action, if need be. The longer you stay in this state, you will lose yourself, your self esteem etc, so you need to decide what is best for your happiness, since he is only worrying about his own.

Do you have somewhere to go, to get away from him for awhile to clear your head and send a message to him?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You have to take a breath and decide what you can live with, what your expectations are from a spouse, what your needs are..... and formulate a plan. 

Talk to your best friend, or your sister....whoever your best Ya-Ya is. You don't have to go through this alone. This is not something that you did that you have to hide. You are allowed to be sad....and you are allowed to be p*ssed. If you just want to get away for a few days to think by yourself, then do that. 

Take charge of YOUR life. You have choices. 
1. Choose to rug sweep and accept his pathetic words. WHich means that you will have to learn to live with it, learn to ignore it....for your own sanity.

2. Just say to him...."either we get counseling to communicate better and to BE a better couple" or we divorce.

3. Call bull**** and tell him to leave. You do not have to accept his crumbs. This may wake him up to the seriousness of his offense. But the choices are YOURS at this point. YOU decide if you want to go to counseling to "work on it" with him....or whatever. 

The point is.... he screwed up for whatever reasons. You have choices. Take your time..... make a plan.... and a plan B.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Have a fiend who has said to come and stay for a few days which I'm going to do over the weekend Friday evening is not a good time to to to London as the traffic is horrible so am planning on setting off in the morning.

I know I'm being panicky but thoughts come into my head like 
What if he does something whilst I'm away while knowing that if he does then I have to move on with my life 
So scared of the Unknown


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> I know I'm being panicky but thoughts come into my head like
> What if he does something whilst I'm away while knowing that if he does then I have to move on with my life
> So scared of the Unknown


This is the hardest part IMO. Part of the reason I've been reluctant to leave myself. If he does do something while you're gone, what will you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

At some point will make a decision it's very hard at present as its only been 48hours so pain is so intense I am trying not to have knee gerk reactions but I will walk away from him. I know I'm worth more and the longer I let this drag on the harder it will be


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I agree, no knee jerk reactions. I watched a communication DVD one time that says you have an emotional teeter totter. When you are upset, the emotional teeter totter will make you blurt out things or do something based on the emotional reaction, rather than the logical.

The DVD suggests stepping away from the situation and allowing your logical side to take control of the teeter totter.

That's what you're doing by going to stay with a friend. 48 hours isn't a long time to process this.

Stay with a friend and think with your LOGICAL side.

If he does anything while you're gone, you have your answer. You've accepted that.

If he doesn't, let the logical side of your teeter totter make the best decision - stay or go. 

But please only stay if you are sure that he's 100% committed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

OH has agreed that we need to get help so I'm getting In touch with Relate to set up meeting with one of their counciler's


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

Maybe this sounds silly but you said women were local. You can check his e-mail and phone records to contact some of them. Just ask them what happend. This is the best way to find the truth,because your husband is never going to tell you.

Why does he have paswords on his phone ? This is not good. Husband or wife should share them with each other (well that is my vision). 

Also he is spending a lot of time from you. Gym,friends bla bla. It sounds better for me if he is there with you,doing things with you.

One more thing-he paid for his membership so he can cheat on you.He made a plan to do it which sucks. Dont trust him,because he did lie to you once,so he is going to keep doing it. He never thought about you and how hurt you will going to be.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Yes he paid for the site, which to my mind is he had the intent all along, at first told me it was an accident on how he got on it but think this is a lie wouldn't anyone just click off it. I have checked his phone and found text trying to meet up so when I asked him if he'd given any of these women his phone number he said no and his Whats app and messager are password locked. I'm asking him to move out today when he gets home from work


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some people can get past infidelity, others can't or won't. I'm afraid that I would fall very firmly into the latter category... Having said that, we're all different and only you can decide what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship, and RELATE sounds like a good option right now.

If your H is at the stage where he's actually paid to join a dating site and there are texts from other women on his phone, IMO, he's probably already committed infidelity.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Came to the same conclusion that he's already been unfaithful. I don't want to be the kind of wife who's always looking over his shoulder wondering when I'm going to catch him out again or the waiting for it to happen again, I have never checked phones, emails, Facebook, till this last week and I feel if we stay together I'm going to do it constantly


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jen65 said:


> Came to the same conclusion that he's already been unfaithful. I don't want to be the kind of wife who's always looking over his shoulder wondering when I'm going to catch him out again or the waiting for it to happen again, I have never checked phones, emails, Facebook, till this last week and I feel if we stay together I'm going to do it constantly


This is what would be problematic for me. It would change the confident, secure woman I am and impact on my self-esteem. I couldn't be in a relationship where I was continually having to check up on my partner and/or wonder what they were doing behind my back.

For me, trust is like an ice cube. Once it melts it is gone for good.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> Came to the same conclusion that he's already been unfaithful. I don't want to be the kind of wife who's always looking over his shoulder wondering when I'm going to catch him out again or the waiting for it to happen again, I have never checked phones, emails, Facebook, till this last week and I feel if we stay together I'm going to do it constantly


I've done this for 10 years. It's a ridiculous cycle to be in. You look hoping to find something and then when you do it hurts like hell. When you don't find something you just think they got better at hiding it. 

Sorry you're in this position.

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Had a very tough day found some stuff on his phone early hours of this morning this afternoon asked him to leave it was so strange he denied what I was reading from his phone saying he hadn't done it, told him it's his phone who else would do it. 
Now he's gone feel so strange the silence in the house shouts at me and I've started to doubt I've done the right thing is this normal


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> Had a very tough day found some stuff on his phone early hours of this morning this afternoon asked him to leave it was so strange he denied what I was reading from his phone saying he hadn't done it, told him it's his phone who else would do it.
> Now he's gone feel so strange the silence in the house shouts at me and I've started to doubt I've done the right thing is this normal


Yes it's normal.

My h did the same thing with porn. Denied it, tried to say it wasn't him or it was just "pop ups". 

Has he always lied about things?

Sometimes my H would lie so much I felt like he believed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

He keeps lying to you. I thought he is going to change and ask for forgivnes. What is even worse is the thing that he has no respect for you. Always saying it is not mine stuff,I never paid for it,I never send a message sounds to me like he thinks you are stupid (SORRY).

If you want to work on this marriage ask him to come clean. Sure he will never tell you the whole truth,but peace here and there is going to give you some picture.
He needs to change.

You have to think about VARs. They are not expensive. Put one of them in his car.

I know you are hurt,and I said this before,but why dont you try and contact one of the woman and just ask them what happend. You have nothing to lose.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

My son just came home told me he rang him asking can take some stuff to him seems the Xbox is more important than trying to sort out marriage, my mind is on a treadmill, wish I'd taken a snap shot of the number but with the upset never thought about it now cause I showed him the door it's to late


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> My son just came home told me he rang him asking can take some stuff to him seems the Xbox is more important than trying to sort out marriage, my mind is on a treadmill, wish I'd taken a snap shot of the number but with the upset never thought about it now cause I showed him the door it's to late


Check cell phone records. Do you have verizon? It's very easy to get the call and text logs.

Don't think the xbox is more important.....you told him to leave. So he left. He's trying to occupy himself. He may not see right now what all he's losing so he's using simple ways to distract himself. 

My ex husband would've been groveling at my feet, crying and being pitiful. My current husband would go watch football with a friend and no one would know a thing was wrong.

You're projecting how YOU would process this. Don't do that, you'll drive yourself crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Think your right I have have TAM to turn to but my OH is not one to talk to anybody or come to forum so needs to pass the time. We own a caravan in a holiday park and that's where he's gone to at this time of year it is very quiet, but part of me wants him to sit and think of the consequences of his actions not to play his games.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's not that damnable website created by that clown with a Scandinavian name that promotes affairs between married people, is it?

The one that offers people "a bit on the side?" 

I keep getting press releases from his firm in my work email box, in the hope that I'll tell our readers how to have a "discreet affair." 

I just delete them. 

The reality of the site is loyal spouses like you being taken advantage of. 

If the Relate counsellor sounds too eager to "forgive and forget" get a new counsellor.

BACP - British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy will have some local to you.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi MatMat strange thing site web address he couldn't remember he's been going on it for months, he's now taken all his iPad, lap top and electric gizmos with him. 
I never expected him to leave so easily part of me wanted him to have more of a reaction he was so detached, maybe it's what he's wanted for quiet a while just not got the guts to do it so wanted me to push him


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jen65 said:


> Think your right I have have TAM to turn to but my OH is not one to talk to anybody or come to forum so needs to pass the time. We own a caravan in a holiday park and that's where he's gone to at this time of year it is very quiet, but part of me wants him to sit and think of the consequences of his actions not to play his games.


And he COULD be. Or maybe he's not. Or maybe he was and now he needs a distraction because it's too much. Or maybe he's not ready to think about it. Or maybe he doesn't think there's anything to think about.

There's a boatload of possibilities. 

But right now, he is not your worry.

You're going to drive yourself insane. I know. I've been doing it for a few weeks myself and your marriage has many years on mine and in my instance, I'm the WS. 

It took me quite some time to come clean to my husband. And even after I did, I didn't understand fully what I did. I mean, I knew I did it, but I was highly delusional of how damaging it had been. 

I'm still learning a lot about that.

My H has said he has to divorce me, that we're done. Yet many weeks later, here I am. Do I wish that he would tell me that he's changed his mind? That he wants us? Absolutely. Do I deserve it yet? Absolutely not.

Let your husband stew for a while. You know what woke me up? Telling me he wanted a divorce.

Let him have a taste of what it's like without you. Let him process it however he needs to. 

You'll have your answer if he comes back trying to fight for you or if he walks away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jen65 said:


> Hi MatMat strange thing site web address he couldn't remember he's been going on it for months, he's now taken all his iPad, lap top and electric gizmos with him.
> I never expected him to leave so easily part of me wanted him to have more of a reaction he was so detached, maybe it's what he's wanted for quiet a while just not got the guts to do it so wanted me to push him


Yeah. Strange, that. 

However, I think I have tracked the website down. This is their pin-up babe of the month for November!









Sorry. I am just a very bad person! :FIREdevil:


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## tanisha6667 (Nov 27, 2015)

My ex fiancee did the exact same thing to me with a multitude of websites. The first time I ever noticed it with him was when we had been together for just a year and when I asked him why he did it, he told me he never signed up and it was just junk email. We ended up being together for 3 years before I called off the engagement and relationship all together. During our entire relationship, he was on these dating websites and I thought that he would change because he kept giving me the same bs answers. But unfortunately, he never changed and it crushed my self esteem because all of the women he was in contact with, were prettier than me and different than me in every way. He would call and text these girls while I was at work or in class so that he could maintain a relationship with me and with them just because he felt the need to. 

I know that some men have made mistakes and learn from them but in my case, he never learned. He would pull the "I'm so sorry" , "Please don't leave me" card and it worked every time. The day I actually left him was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do thus far but it beat knowing that I was going to marry someone that wasn't going to actually be committed. My advice would be to take some time away from each other, evaluate the pros and cons of your marriage and then decide if you can continue being married to someone who was actively searching for another woman and could do the same thing in the future. 

Good Luck!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jen65 said:


> My son just came home told me he rang him asking can take some stuff to him seems the Xbox is more important than trying to sort out marriage, my mind is on a treadmill, wish I'd taken a snap shot of the number but with the upset never thought about it now cause I showed him the door it's to late


Can you access his online mobile phone records?


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

No not got any passcode for or his stuff, plus I'm not tech minded, if anything at home needed sorting the H would sort it out.
Have just spent my first night alone, not nice, found myself waking trying to cuddle him, have never been apart from him and feeling adrift and lonely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Check cell phone records. Do you have verizon? It's very easy to get the call and text logs.
> 
> Don't think the xbox is more important.....you told him to leave. So he left. He's trying to occupy himself. He may not see right now what all he's losing so he's using simple ways to distract himself.
> 
> ...


We don't have Verizon in the UK! 

Which provider do you use, Jen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jen it is possible to get through cheating by your spouse.

My wife actually came to me and told me she was going to have an affair but that she was going to come back to me. 

Which she did. I went through hell as you can imagine as it totally messed up how I saw myself.

But we are still together and it's now 25+ years since we met in 1989.

It transpired that my wife is a high functioning Asperger's and her thinking was "if I tell Matt about my plans then it logically cannot be cheating."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi MatMat on BT and that's in his name, Im struggling with his attitude of didn't think there was any harm in it, the lies of denying he'd tried to meet these women, but I did see his account and his phone and the conversations he was having with these women.

He gave his mobile number to at least one of them and was trying to meet her, he had told me when asked that none of them had it not sure how he can deny what's in front of me.

He's the one who done wrong but I'm not sure he's comprehending the damage to our marriage even when given the opportunity to come clean he lied.

Everyone who knows him is shocked that he has cheated they don't believe it as its seems so out of character for him


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you are going through this Jen. How old are you both? He may well be going through a mid life crisis? How many kids do you have? How old are they?
How was your relationship before this happened? Did you do things together, talk, have sex etc?

Having said that, that is no excuse, he has lied, trickle truth and is not facing the reality of his actions. 
This will be a tough time for you but you can get through it

1. tell all your friends and family, his friends and family and your older kids too. Do not cover for him. The sooner he sees the reality of what he is doing the better.
2. Rely on the support of one or two good/close/dependable friends, you will need it.
3. Go and get yourself some counselling to help you through and see is there anything you need to work on, do this for yourself.
4. Do the 180 on your WH, go no contact, let him see what it is like to be without you.
5. Contact a lawyer and see what your options are, are you financially self sufficient? Do you work?
6. By asking him to move out you have already taken decisive action, the ball is not in his court but do not wait around for him, do things for yourself, so that you are prepared regardless of whether he goes for good or wants to come back.
You really have to think about whether you actually want him back also.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi aine I'm 57 and he's 56 alway thought we had a good marriage. One of the first thing I'd said to him was if he had a problem with us he should have talked to me. 

I have had problems with the menopause which I'm trying to sort out with the doctor, put weight on. And it's hard to move but I'm trying, and looking back he only initiated sexual contact after being on the Internet looking at younger women.

All the signs were there the getting off the page as I walk by or looked over.
Have a NC for a few days in place, I have always been the one to sort things not him, as long as he can do what he wants, it's always been hard to get him to do anything he says yes but half the time I do it myself as its quicker.

Sometimes feels like I've taken over from his mother, but he has always bought me flowers phoned me from work seemed attentive, and have both worked hard to be financially ok we own our house have works pensions and both work so in theory should have everything going for us.

We have no children together, I have from prior marriage they all love and respect him so no issues there.

I just don't understand how it's all gone so wrong


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I feel even more sorry for you. I cant and will never understand what makes husbands and wifes to do this after so many years spend together. 

You need to find his paswords and check his e-mail,phone records or simply ask him for access,but dont let him go away witih it and then come back 2 days after.
@aine gave you a verry nice advice. I would read it again.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I've gotten those emails and text before. I'm straight but I was getting messages from site with women.

It was spam and I reported it.

None of these were solicited.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

tpdallas said:


> I've gotten those emails and text before. I'm straight but I was getting messages from site with women.
> 
> It was spam and I reported it.
> 
> None of these were solicited.


The OP's H paid to access the site.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Aw sweetie, so sorry you are here.

Your story is exactly how mine started out. I encourage you to read "my story" below. Feel free to PM me if you want.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi aine I have not covered for him have been honest with my children, also am with a very good and long standing friend who has know us both 20+ years, after hearing everything that's happened said she's not recognising who he has become.
Tomorrow I'm contacting a counsellor .
For some reason I need to know the whole good, the bad and ugly before I make any permanent decision.
Will talk to solicitor to enquire what the legal stuff regarding house and pensions


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jen65,
I know this should be a good time of life but with you entering menopause, it can add oil to the fire so to speak, especially in matters of intimacy, he may feel that he has lost the connection with you. Further, he may be having some mid life moments of his own, with aging, trying to find his youth again, etc. Has he been in touch at all or given any indication as to what is going on with him? I don't think you should run after him, keep with the no contact, he will come out of the lost world at some point and realise far away fields are not green. Take care of yourself.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Not heard a word from him since he left on Saturday. My son took stuff to him yesterday, and it's strange to me because he has a night out on the up coming weekend seems more concerned with that than trying to sort our life together


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

A very upsetting time for you, Jen, and the sooner the better you get in to see a counsellor.

The fact that he went without putting up any fight whatsover is rather concerning, as it could indicate that he was only too glad to leave before you learned the whole truth... I hope this isn't the case, but there could be a lot more surprises skulking in the shadows than you currently know about.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Jen, my ex also loved cybersex. He had multiple cyber accounts with long term GFs and lots of cybersex. Of course, he also had a few flesh and blood GFs as well, so he was an equal opportunity offender. I can't begin to count the number of dating accounts I found. When I discovered what he was up to and said I wanted a divorce, he never asked to remain, so in that respect, he sounds a little similar to your H. My ex also suffered from depression. Do you think your H might, too?

We did have kids, and when he left, he became the typical deadbeat dad. He's behind on support, never sees the kids, never communicates.

He has remained un-apologetic and I could care less if he offered one now. That was three years ago and the kids and I have definitely moved on. You have to work to get to a level of detachment that allows you honestly, not to care why he did the things he did. It wasn't because you went through menopause or put on a pound or two. You did nothing that forced him on-line. It was his choice. He had options and that's what he figured would make him happy.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Have my first counselling session tomorrow morning so have set the ball rolling. My friend took me to see doctor because I'm not sleeping and have be given a couple of days sleeping tablets. I'm hoping after the counselling I can work to be myself again whatever happens with H


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Hi all have just had my first session today with counsellor and left with the same impressions as before, the word coward came out of the discussion.

Have had contact today with H via text laid out a lot of questions his replies were still very lame, he still didn't know why he did it and loves me and wants us to go back the way we were, he didn't reply to a lot of the questions, so told him to read my texts again in the end I got very frustrated and finished the conversation am going to text him tomorrow to tell him to go get counselling.

All the conversations with these women he tells me we just fantasy, I'm not buying into that told him I need to know why besides the excitement, what on earth is worth a marriage, even if this hurts me, not that I think I can be hurt any more.

We're due to go to Sri Lanka on the 18th December for two week holiday not sure if I should still go, having mixed advise from family and friend 50/50 on it half saying we've paid for it and it's a lot of money to lose, but the thought of being trapped the whole time over Christmas, don't think we're covered on insurance for a marriage split, you thoughts on this would be appreciated


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jen65 said:


> Hi all have just had my first session today with counsellor and left with the same impressions as before, the word coward came out of the discussion.
> 
> Have had contact today with H via text laid out a lot of questions his replies were still very lame, he still didn't know why he did it and loves me and wants us to go back the way we were, he didn't reply to a lot of the questions, so told him to read my texts again in the end I got very frustrated and finished the conversation am going to text him tomorrow to tell him to go get counselling.
> 
> ...


Go on holiday with someone so wrapped up in a fantasy world that he forgets he is married?

I would suggest you do not leave the country with him. Why? Well... could you really trust him?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Go and take a friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Jen65 said:


> Hi all have just had my first session today with counsellor and left with the same impressions as before, the word coward came out of the discussion.
> 
> Have had contact today with H via text laid out a lot of questions his replies were still very lame, he still didn't know why he did it and loves me and wants us to go back the way we were, he didn't reply to a lot of the questions, so told him to read my texts again in the end I got very frustrated and finished the conversation am going to text him tomorrow to tell him to go get counselling.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry. I can't tell you what you should do. I will share part of my story related to a big vacation and how it went for me.

I confronted and he denied. I knew something was going on but he refused. I knew he was on dating sites, got the same lies you are receiving now. He decides we should take a trip and get away and reconnect. 

We go from the US to a Caribbean island. I knew the minute we got to our room that we were over and there was no way he was going to come out of his fantasy world.

He rejected me, he had all sorts of excuses. We are on a beautiful island, in a beautiful room. A happy couple would have been exploring each other. He said this trip was to reconnect. He just wanted to sit under an umbrella and drink. He didn't want anything to do with me. 

By the next day we do start having sex at my initiation only, but he is not into it. It would be what the guys here call starfish sex ( he just laid there). He did not participate at all. I could tell he hated it. This was my turning point and I knew what I had to do. 

When we returned I confronted again when I found out more after doing more snooping. I kicked him out immediately. Turns out he was jacking off like 3 to 4 times a day with his girlfriends on line. He didn't have anything left for his wife.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

I'v taken my friend home to London today and for the first time came home to an empty house, this set me off crying, made me feel this is possibly my future the quiet and lonleyness set in and feeling a little scared, will be glad to have son home for the weekend.

Not heard from the husband, he sends me mixed messages for someone who says he wants us to stay together, he's not fighting for it, still not told me why he did the cheating only it was fantasy and excitement, he's not mentioning he tried to meet these women


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Jen65 said:


> There was a red flag a few years ago but ignored it because I love him but now I can't carry on like this, it's like he said sorry and we go on in the same way, says he wants to earn my trust but is not open and honest with what he's willing to tell me


I don't know exactly why but this just cuts me. 

God bless you. I am so, so sorry for this. Nobody deserves this kind of dread, the agony, the constant worry and wondering what they're doing. What are they thinking? When did this all start, and how? It's debilitating and draining, and reduces people to walking husks. There is just something about it that is so grotesquely foreign and alien, our entire being is repulsed by the situation, like we know with every cell that it's wrong, not the way we were meant to be handled. 

It's like the point where (sorry to be so visceral) you don't know whether you're going to throw up or not. But you're caught in that dreadful state and more than anything you just wish it could be over. 

I believe that there is good in people but sometimes I become so frustrated with the way they behave. Animals have built-in instincts that are seemingly barbaric to us but at least they're built in, and are finite; there is a stopping point. There is no end to how evil humans can mutate, no end to the amount of agony they will inflict upon one another. 

Few things get to me. This did. I'm so sorry.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@Jen65 You have power over your Marriage now and use it.

He keeps lying to you. He should be asking for forgivnes,telling you the truth about his other life, but his answer was-it was just fantasy,I cant fight for marriage.

At least he should try and make you see it that he is never going to do it again.

You know I have fantasies too but I share them with my girlfriend and nobody else.. She is older then me and I can tell a lot crazier. It would crush me if I was in your shoes,but I would find strenght and search for better life,because I deserve it.

About your trip-dont go with him. Are you sure you can manage two weeks with him and listen to his lies ?

Go somewhere with your family and clean your head a little bit.

Stay strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jen65 said:


> I'v taken my friend home to London today and for the first time came home to an empty house, this set me off crying, made me feel this is possibly my future the quiet and lonleyness set in and feeling a little scared, will be glad to have son home for the weekend.
> 
> Not heard from the husband, he sends me mixed messages for someone who says he wants us to stay together, he's not fighting for it, still not told me why he did the cheating only it was fantasy and excitement, he's not mentioning he tried to meet these women


We are here for you.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Thank you all so much for being here for me. We'll have spent my first night totally on my own in the house, that's not happened in nearly 30 years there has always been someone home, didn't sleep very well but that could of been said for the last week but woke up at every strange noise inside or out 

It's been suggested by friends that for the time being OH moves into another room after after the Christmas holidays as he has to be out of the caravan in January as it's not a residential park, don't know how I feel about that but it was pointed out to me he's joint owner and I'v no right to tell him he can't, surly morally I have every right, and where he goes is not my concern but I'm that hamster on a wheel wondering what he's doing is he meeting any women, wouldn't it be great when we've been cheated on that the love dies on its own accord, I still love my OH have always thought of him as my soul mate.

Our situation is the first thing I think about and the last thing at night after a week of this I'd love to switch my mind off just for a few hours seems even in sleep its there. I have a job interview tonight at a strange time 11.15pm it's for a night shift job and the night manager wants to pick the people he wants on his team, really don't think I'm going to be at my best.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jen, I know this is really upsetting and heartbreaking and you are in a bit of a daze right now. You have to to the 180 hard, for yourself (not him), surround yourself with good friends and family, take up some activity, try to look outward and above all do not spend so much time alone in the house as that will make you feel worse. Plan to do something every evening for a week or two, meet friends, go to a movie/play, the gym, etc so you keep yourself busy. Consider taking up some charity work at the weekend to get out and meet others and take the focus of your own situation.

Your WH has a problem which only he can work through if he chooses to. You stick with your counselling, make no decisions now as to your future as this is all raw. Get through Christmas and then decide what to do. You should seek legal advice with regard to living arrangements though, as it would be difficult to share the same house with him.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Sent OH a text earlier 3 hours ago saying how his silence is sending me mixed messages after saying he wants our marriage to work and what do I get back NOTHING he's confusing me


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I hate to say this, but there is nothing confusing about the silence.

That silence speaks volumes. 

All I can say is I am so sorry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jen65 said:


> Sent OH a text earlier 3 hours ago saying how his silence is sending me mixed messages after saying he wants our marriage to work and what do I get back NOTHING he's confusing me


By contacting him, reaching out to him, you are letting him know you will play ball on his terms. He did this, YOU have to call the shots, NOT him. Stop contacting him and act like he is gone, go silent move on with your life for now. you cannot make him do anything, you only have control over yourself. You have to do the 180, please read it and practice it. In your case it means NO CONTACT, go dark on him.


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