# Can my marriage be salvaged?



## whattodo_whattodo (May 2, 2014)

I have been married for 14 years to my wife that I met while on vacation in Europe. She was a very successful entrepreneur and I was on vacation. We fell in love, and eventually she gave up her life in her home country to move to the US to be with me. After her arrival, things were different. I was now in the "real world" with work and family and friends outside of her. She was now a small fish in a foreign pond, with no one other than me. She came here on a fiance visa, so we only had 90 days to get married. Things were actually tough even in that first 3 months. But I felt like I had "committed" to the relationship and told myself that I needed to follow through. Now, 14 year later, we have two children, 7 and 10, but for the past few years, my feelings toward her have become more resentment than love.

The bottom line is that I think she is a very harsh person. She is and always has been a SAHM. She is very harsh with the children and talks to me like a dog. Most mornings when she gets the children ready for school, she becomes impatient and speaks very harshly or yells at them. At least one is in tears most days. So I began getting them ready for school every day. Same at bedtime, so I have taken over that responsibility as well.

Between her and I, I feel like she is never satisfied with anything that I do. She complains that I left a better paying job in which I was miserable and missed my children due to extensive travel. I took a lower paying position which allows me to spend more time with the family. In response, I am told that I am selfish and lazy and just thinking about myself. I recently decided to surprise her by having her car detailed and buying her some special bath soaps that I thought she would like. She responded by pointing out that I had wasted money on a crappy detail job and that the soaps smelled like a brothel. No "a" for effort, I guess.

We have not had much of a sex life for a few years (by my choice, I just don't really feel anything for her anymore.) I recently told her that I am not happy in our marriage and she was shocked and quickly became angry. She said we have a great marriage and that I am being selfish.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she refuses. She thinks we should be able to solve our own problems. When I asked her why she speaks so harshly, she tells me that she does not mean to be hurtful, and that it is my problem if I see it that way. I know I am not perfect (and am regularly reminded of that fact) but I feel like I have put forth an effort to try to make things better by assuming some of her responsibilities. I have always been one to take marriage very seriously, but at this point I am wondering if there is any point in continuing in this relationship which leaves me emotionally drained day in day out.

What to do...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow, what you have described is like a day in my life. What I do is never good enough and when I make a mistake it's horribly and mercilessly blown out of proportion in front of the kids. Tried marriage counseling and I'm convinced that it never works. Not much I can do. I've been emotionally checked out for years. My exit strategy has been in planning for years.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jb02157, has your wife ever been evaluated for mental illness?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

over20 said:


> jb02157, has your wife ever been evaluated for mental illness?


Glad you asked the question and the answer is that she was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Big surprise there. I don't buy it at all. Anyone can be diagnosed as depressed it's just an excused you can use for your awful behavior.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are a nice guy and she is a bit of a narcissist. I am married to one also. Basically she has the household coerced to her liking and she feels that change will cost her power in life. Money, the power she has over you, her time, the kids ect.. 

Talk of divorce confronts her behavior and robs her of her power. Counseling confronts her coercion and threatens her power because she knows she is being unfair but feels like she will get less out of life if she has to be fair/egalitarian. 

Let me guess, she suggests sometimes that your success or competence, cleanliness..whatever.. is a product of her insisting on things be a certain way? This is a way of dealing with feeling her own lack of accomplishment by claiming yours. It is easier than getting a job again.

She has a zero sum mentality. You have to lose for her to win. 

I did not notice that you get into arguments with her about her behavior which suggest some passive/aggressive behavior on your part. You need to confront her behavior directly with IC and MC. Taking over her responsibilities just rewards her for bad behavior. It might not change her, but you have to try and work on the right things, no?

What country is she from?

Also, how does she know what a brothel smells like? lol.


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## whattodo_whattodo (May 2, 2014)

You are correct that she either takes credit for my accomplishments or belittles them. I graduated from a prestigious law school and started my own firm which has been relatively successful. She constantly remarks that the only reason that I have found success is because I was fortunate to be raised in an area with good school and had lots of opportunities. 

I think you are correct about me being somewhat passive aggressive. For a couple years I just ignored her behavior, but then it did start to make me angry. We argued about her "tone" with me after my family visited our home and both of my sisters, who really liked her previously, pulled me aside one night to ask if she always talks to me that way. Ironically, I thought she was being relatively nice that night! About a year ago I just quit caring how she talked to me. She can belittle me all she wants and it just doesn't effect me anymore. I don't know if that is because I have come to accept her or just stopped caring about her opinion. I suspect it is that latter.

Oh. And you asked where she is from. She grew up in the country in Portugal, but was living in Lisbon when I met her.

Since she refuses to attend marriage counseling, I am leaning toward just accepting that she cares more about her ego or being "right" than she does about this marriage and our children. I just fear that we end up with joint custody and that the anger from a divorce makes her even more bitter and harsh with our children.

wtd


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Filing for divorce may get her to change. Sounds like your best chance.

Umm, no sex. Could cause her to be short tempered. Could you have sex with her to lighten the tension?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, I'd say see if you can set up a nice evening that ends in good sex, and then talk to her about marriage counseling, or just moving on.

The impression I get is that she thinks that the marriage is fine, that she's as happy as she wants to me, and you have no reason to not be happy. (In her view) If you have no reason to be unhappy, then you feeling unhappy means that something is wrong with you and you need to address that. Maybe you could call that selfishness, but I'd say she's just completely missing the point that if you feel unhappy, then it can't be "right" or "wrong", it simply IS. 

For instance, my wife loves watermelon, and I honestly hate watermelon. Something about the texture, seeds, etc., no thank-you. Logically speaking, there is nothing wrong with watermelon. It's sweet, nutritious, most people love the taste, so I should like it right? But I don't like it, and there is nothing right or wrong with that, it just IS. My wife can say that my not liking watermelon is my own problem, and maybe it is or it isn't, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it.

Same situation with your wife. She can rationalize your marriage all she wants to. Good jobs, good kids, good home/living, she isn't cheating on you, isn't physically/verbally abusive (verbal is questionable perhaps, as you indicated), she's probably still attractive, contributes to the household responsibilities as a good partner should, etc., so what more could a husband ask? He has nothing to be unhappy about, so if he says he is unhappy then that must be a personal issue that he needs to get over.

I think the fact that her gut reaction of anger to your sharing of your feelings reinforces this for me a bit. It sounds like she was personally offended that you could say you are unhappy, when she feels that she is a wonderful spouse to you.

Has she ever stopped to express to you complaints about your behaviors, attitude, treatment of her or the kids, etc.? Can you imagine any justification she might have that is rooted in truth?


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