# Can I convince myself to want kids?



## Cityboy12

Hello everyone. I just joined today and this is my first post. I have searched around numerous websites and found similar discussions but all having to do whether people want kids or not. I'm looking to find out if there are any methods of convincing myself that I do want them. Here is my story.

I'm going in to my late 30's this year. I've been married over 5 years, together about 8. My parents split after 20+ years of marriage ( I was about 15) and my family life is just about non-existent. My wife's family has accepted me as one of their own. I have an unusually great relationship with my in-laws. When we got engaged, the talk of children was that it was really undecided on what I wanted. She wasn't ready to have them right away either so the waiting was mutual. I always said I'd never get married and I did. I couldn't promise her that I definitely wanted kids but it was something I would consider. Well, we both decided that we'd wait a few years, do lots of traveling (which we have) and now she feels that we've had our fun and should start trying. I however don't wake up in the morning and "want" to have kids like she does. I still don't know if I want them at all. When I go to the mall or somewhere and I hear children screaming or crying I start to cringe at the thought. We have gone through some ups and downs in our relationship and we are doing well now. I realize that I married the best thing that has ever happened to me, I've done things with her that I would have never thought possible. She has been on the ttc kick lately and it has been bothering me a little bit because I don't feel on board like she is. I don't want to lose her and I'm desperately looking for the way to feel like I want to start a family. I feel like she may be starting to resent me. I've heard the "Oh, you don't know what you're missing", and "it's the best thing to ever happen to you" phrases. I'd like to just come to a point that I feel like I WANT to have kids. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I mean, it's been years now and I'm obviously old enough. I just don't know what to do. Any help is appreciated. Thanks for listening.


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## YinPrincess

Having kids is a huge responsibility, so take your time and think long and hard about it.

My husband and I never planned to have children, either. I became pregnant even tho we were using birth control. We accept it, we're both petrified and anxious, but we are slowly learning to get excited.

He sounded a lot like you before we got pregnant, but he is looking forward to it now, at least he says he is.

I wish you the best of luck. It's a tough choice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RelationshipGuru

Having kids and family on command? Is it a job?I see some pressure on you from the side of your partner, when you tell that you have to feel that way in order not to loose her. She will not leave you just because you feel different about the moment to have baby. If she will, well it will mean that you both are not matching with your expectations and desires. If you don't feel like ready for the kids at that moment right now, that means you are NOT READY yet. With time you will discover it, so relax for now. Chill and look at your emotions, what do you feel when you see a baby, spend some time with the children of your family if there are any or with the children of your friends, just to see if you will enjoy it or not. 
Being a good father means being ready to embrace the parenthood with all the consequences and problems. If your feelings are confused, better get it clear before you will have to face it. 
Take it easy, things may happen in a way that you never could expect. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, when the right time will come, you will know it. You can't force the natural process of readiness. It takes time sometime, and your wife should know it very good since she was in the same conditions just few months ago.

Blessings,


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## Lon

You have been willing to "consider" having children, so what are the obstacles that are preventing you from deciding to have them? Is it the financial concerns, time management, fear of the responsibility or just simply difficult to comprehend being a parent? It is completely your choice either way, but it seems as if you could maybe overcome some of the barriers (spending time with small kids, creating a financial plan for such a decision, discussing stay at home options etc) you would have a more clear understanding of what being a father would mean and look like and be able to make the decision based on more reasonable information?


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## chattycathy

Sit down with the wife and discuss how things would need to be with kids
Regular dates by hiring babysitters (once or twice a week at least)
Regular travel with and without kid(s)
Household help (once a week deep cleaning by a cleaning person)
How meals would work. Will you both be home at meal time and cook together? 
A lock on the master bedroom door (for private time)

Basically, children are wonderful. People do not always plan them and people love their own ones. They are work and couples need to clarify what life will be like with them yet be flexible and ready to communicate for change.

I don't think time with other people's children is that helpful since your own child is a totally different ballpark for you.


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## Lon

chattycathy said:


> I don't think time with other people's children is that helpful since your own child is a totally different ballpark for you.


yes this is very true... until my son was born I was really intimidated by kids, had never changed a diaper, didn't know you had to burp them after feeding, never knew about swaddling, etc... it was pretty intense but when it happens it seems like its all that matters in life and you just know what to do - and even though there is all this work you see your child grow and learn something new every day, its pretty amazing, but definitely a life-changing committment.


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## FirstYearDown

Cityboy12 said:


> Hello everyone. I just joined today and this is my first post. I have searched around numerous websites and found similar discussions but all having to do whether people want kids or not. I'm looking to find out if there are any methods of convincing myself that I do want them. Here is my story. If you have to convince yourself, there is your answer.
> 
> I'm going in to my late 30's this year. I've been married over 5 years, together about 8. My parents split after 20+ years of marriage ( I was about 15) and my family life is just about non-existent.Our families of origin set the blueprint for relationship expectations down the road. You may not feel that you need to make your own family, because you are not close to your own. My wife's family has accepted me as one of their own. I have an unusually great relationship with my in-laws. When we got engaged, the talk of children was that it was really undecided on what I wanted. She wasn't ready to have them right away either so the waiting was mutual. I always said I'd never get married and I did. I couldn't promise her that I definitely wanted kids but it was something I would consider. Well, we both decided that we'd wait a few years, do lots of traveling (which we have) and now she feels that we've had our fun and should start trying. I however don't wake up in the morning and "want" to have kids like she does. I still don't know if I want them at all. When I go to the mall or somewhere and I hear children screaming or crying I start to cringe at the thought. We have gone through some ups and downs in our relationship and we are doing well now. I realize that I married the best thing that has ever happened to me, I've done things with her that I would have never thought possible. She has been on the ttc kick lately and it has been bothering me a little bit because I don't feel on board like she is. I don't want to lose her and I'm desperately looking for the way to feel like I want to start a family. I feel like she may be starting to resent me. I've heard the "Oh, you don't know what you're missing", and "it's the best thing to ever happen to you" phrases. I'd like to just come to a point that I feel like I WANT to have kids. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I mean, it's been years now and I'm obviously old enough. I just don't know what to do. Any help is appreciated. Thanks for listening.


Having children is something that needs to be wanted by *both *parents, or else resentment will set in once that baby comes. 

Parenthood should never be forced on someone-please don't agree it have children just because other people are telling you that you should. At the risk of sounding pessimistic, your words are not those of a man who wants to be a father. After all, nobody needs to be convinced of something he really wants.

At least you can get away from other people's screaming children-you do NOT have that luxury when it is your child.


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## FirstYearDown

chattycathy said:


> Sit down with the wife and discuss how things would need to be with kids
> Regular dates by hiring babysitters (once or twice a week at least)
> Regular travel with and without kid(s)
> Household help (once a week deep cleaning by a cleaning person)
> How meals would work. Will you both be home at meal time and cook together?
> A lock on the master bedroom door (for private time)
> 
> Basically, children are wonderful. People do not always plan them and people love their own ones. They are work and couples need to clarify what life will be like with them yet be flexible and ready to communicate for change.
> 
> *I don't think time with other people's children is that helpful since your own child is a totally different ballpark for you*.


Really? Being a nanny in the past, is one of the reasons I am childfree. When a colicky infant tormented me for hours, I knew I could never deal with that on a regular basis. She had me weeping and shaking after just 45 minutes of wailing. 

I also noticed that most mothers are stuck with all the childcare-no thanks! 

When you don't have kids, every night is date night! :smthumbup:


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## chattycathy

FirstYearDown said:


> Really? Being a nanny in the past, is one of the reasons I am childfree. When a colicky infant tormented me for hours, I knew I could never deal with that on a regular basis.


LOL! You got burnt out on watching other people's kids but watching your own is totally different.
I know.
I was a preschool teacher pre kids (hated it) then had kids (loved it) and am a preschool teacher again (love it).


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## FirstYearDown

Be that as it may, the child issue is moot for us. Big snip is already scheduled and paid for...can't hardly wait!


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## oldfashioned1

It's a huge decision. I'm 39, female and still do not have any children. When I had the time for them, I didn't have the money and vice versa. Now..I don't have the patience. I recommend writing a pro's and con's list and seeing which side wins. If you really, truley are not a kid person, that is going to come out the minute you have them and that will probably cost you your marriage. So, try and sort out your true feelings and if the answer, is no, you don't want kids. Then you need to let your wife know the truth rather than letting her hang onto hopes and dreams. She will probably appreciate the honesty. (not saying she will necessarily like it. lol).


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## LovesHerMan

This is a tough one. You said that you never thought that you would get married, yet now you are happy that you took the plunge.

The only method I can think of to convince yourself to have children is to imagine your wife happily married to another man, and bearing his children. If you can tolerate this, then divorce her and let her find a man who will give her children. If you cringe at this, then have faith that you two will be good parents, and that you will be enriched by the experience.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? That may help you gauge how you would feel about being a father.

Either way, you must decide to embrace fatherhood, or let your wife find someone else before it is too late for her to be a mother.


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## that_girl

I will say that I can't stand most other people's kids. LOL Not even some of my family's kids.

I like my students. I love my own kids.

Other people's kids just bug me...as I'm sure my kids bug them.


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## golfergirl

Put me down in the group who adore my kids and not so fond of others. 
There's a difference between adamantly not wanting children and being not sure - right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cityboy12

Thank you to everyone for their input. I'm sorry, I haven't been online for a while but I plan on responding to everyone. It's nice to have so many different opinions and so much support. I really appreciate it.


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## Cityboy12

There were so many great responses that I would just like to try to sum up 1 good one to everyone.

It's not so much that she is pressuring me, it's just she seems so happy when she is thinking about having one. I don't not like children, my friends kids love me and we get along great. I guess I'm one of those people that always said, " Yeah, other peoples kids are great because you can give them back haha" When I was younger I always thought I was "too cool" to be married or have kids and that's why I said it would never happen but I'm much older now. I'll be honest, I've waited a long time to even consider the possibilty because I was kind of being selfish. I like having money to be able to do things (I'm not rich by any means), I like having the freedom of doing what ever we want, when we want without restriction. Again, me being selfish. My thing is, in a few years the big 40 is coming around and I don't want to be the grandpa when I should be the dad. It seems I want to be more politically correct than anything here. I just wish I knew how to actually have the "want" factor. Maybe my childhood and the way my parents split ruined that for me. I really don't know. I guess I'm just so used to fixing things for other people, I needed some help fixing "me." 

Lovesherman, that is an interesting concept you have there. I never thought of it that way. 
I will be going over all this great information and advise that you have all given me and I just want to thank you all again for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it.


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## GreyMatter

I'm in the same boat, but I grew up in a non-broken family. My parents are still happily married. Perhaps that issue is not as important as suggested.

There are other minor differences. We're a few years younger but my wife is less healthy, so our biological clock is ticking similarly. We've been together longer. I always assumed I would want kids as I got older and I told her as much, 10 or 15 years ago. We're not as financially secure. Whatever, minor stuff, very similar situation as a whole.

We can talk about the usual questions like "what are the barriers", am I worried that I won't be a good father, won't have enough money, stuff like that...but that's not the issue (despite important practical barriers that we have not overcome). We can talk about the love you'll get from a child, the emotional rewards, all that kind of stuff...but that's not the issue either. We can talk about how if I just have some faith, I will find myself so in love with my baby that I will be happy to be a father - but I do not jump into life-changing decisions in such a reckless way.

*All of these things assume that the default is to want to have kids and I'm fighting it. That's not how it is. I lack that default. I have no want for having kids. *I wish I did; it's something my wife needs and it is important to me to provide for her needs. As such, this is the *only* real motivation I can come up with, already posted by lovesherman:



lovesherman said:


> The only method I can think of to convince yourself to have children is to imagine your wife happily married to another man, and bearing his children. If you can tolerate this, then divorce her and let her find a man who will give her children. If you cringe at this, then have faith that you two will be good parents, and that you will be enriched by the experience.


That right there is it. That's all I can come up with, and frankly it is quite a distasteful and disingenuous way to trick myself into it. 

If all that's not bad enough, I believe there's a pretty strong chance that I *won't* come around once I hold my baby for the first time. I am pretty sure I'll still be like "oh, a screaming poop machine, get this thing away from me"...rather than "oh, so beautiful, the product of our love."

I have to come up with some better way to convince myself, something that can change how I feel rather than the cold hard consequence of making my wife start over with someone else and the destruction of my heart that would result.


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## FirstYearDown

What is wrong with being selfish? I get that word tossed at me all the time for not having children, but I don't care anymore. Guess that is what makes me so self centered. :smthumbup:

I grew up having to constantly wait on others hand and foot. I had to bring food to my parents on trays, take off my mother's boots as well as do laundry and ironing for six people. My mother was "preparing me for marriage and motherhood."  

When I left home, I became intoxicated with the freedom to do as I wished, without constant drudgery holding me back and keeping me away from the world. I don't want to give that up and if that makes me selfish-great!


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## GreyMatter

I'm not sure I agree about selfishness to that extent, but I don't see how being childless would be selfish anyway.


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## anotherguy

Cityboy...

I was alot like you in some ways.

We got married after living together for 5 years.. and we were married for 10 years before we decided to have kids. We had our first when I was 36, she was 34.

Both of us were not eager to have kids early..we just werent 'ready'.. we were both getting settled in our jobs/careers and happily living as care-free 'D.I.N.K.'s. for quite a while. Traveled a little, ate out alot, not a care in the world really. We both watched our siblings, friends and peers and their kids - and tolerated the never ending 'kid chatter' at parties and get togethers...you know how it is. "little jimmy is soooo smart!". Yeah sure - he is picking his nose. I thought little kids were OK, but I definitely had no interest in having an infant around - or a 7 year old, or a 16 year old punk for that matter. I wasnt comfortable holding babies....uh. no thanks... and people would chuckle at me... I would chuckle at myself. Someone else hold this - lets go play some hoop.

Eventually - we sort of got to the point where she was thinking that it would have to be soon - having kids - or it wasnt going to happen. It was more on her mind than mine. We were both still unsure. I had also seen the stress and challenges kids can add to the mix and frankly I wasnt sure we were up to the challenge as a couple and said so. We talked about it a couple of times...usually on our anniversary if I remember.. - and finally decided that yeah.. lets go ahead and do it. There was a tipping point where suddenly as the possibility congealed in our heads - we warmed up to it quickly. It didnt hurt that at that point we were financially comfortable, had a house, good jobs.. and were probably wondering if 'this was it'. In short - we were ripe for something more - even though I didnt 'need' anything more, or didnt think I did.

We were as close to ready as I think you can get. It didnt take long. At all. 'Trying' to have kids is an interesting experience in itself and even though it hardly took any time at ll for us - we were both thrilled, stunned and more than a little worried when her pee strip(s) said 'yep, your prego.'.

Even getting the house ready for kids is, I must say - a magical time. Sounds dramatic, doesnt it? I found myself throwing myself into the task, stripping a room to the walls and hand painting a nursery, shopping for new furniture, and setting it up so mom could do all her 'nesting' (and trust me, she does and will.). Having a baby in the house is a beautiful thing....and me (remember that guy who was nervous holding babies, had no interest in a little 'poop machine?)... would actually get weepy holding our baby and rocking it to sleep. I mean, wow. I didnt even see it coming - and would NEVER have predicted that. Its not all lovey dovey and happiness and joy. Early it can be hard. There are many (many) sleepless nights, changes in sex, all sorts of bodily fluids spraying out of every orifice, sick kids, tons of new tasks and responsibilities, doctors, daycare, lots of new costs... (I know, Im not helping here...). 
Worth mentioning that I have also seen kids totally tear a mariage apart - or at least magnify the problems and add stressors, financial burdens, complications until it falls apart. Would this happen to you, or me? Who knows. The point is - this process, challenging you as a couple, as a family.. growing... is a crucible and what comes out the other side is good too. Better? Its is hard to say 'better' to someone who does NOT have kids, but yeah.. that is what I think if it succeeds.

Fast forward 10 years.

We now have 2 kids in school... and they are great. Getting past the first handful of years is a challenge - but is a fantastic time. No doubt, life changes..your focus changes, but in retrospect it is nothing - nothing - but good. 

my advice:

You are neaver completely 'ready' to have your first child. If you have mulled it over together - that is good. Getting deep into your 30s is as good a time as any to consider it. Get past 38 or so and suddenly pregnancy can get burdened with extra tests so that is something to consider too. In short - nobody can tell you if its time for you to try... but if you choose, all I can say is 'good for you'. Hang onto your butt and enjoy the ride! If you are not ready you need to say so and I expect it will be a major hurdle to get past if the 2 of you cannot come to agreement - it is no small decision. In the end - I think I more or less decided to go ahead with it, it was manifestly evident that she wanted to go ahead and I wanted her to be able to see that dream realized. I never really considered it that way, but thats what happened. I am endlessly thankful for making that decision. I was unsure, maybe a little afraid of the commitment and responsibility... I was dead wrong. 

I think it is the best thing we ever did. We have moved from a couple into a family - and that is a good thing - a fantastic thing for us. We gave up plenty of freedom, life style, a million little things, but we have gained sooooo much more, it isnt even close. I look back and wonder sometimes if we waited too long to get started, but that is water under the bridge - its all good.

Good luck!


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## kate1234

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Don't let others tell you how you should feel or what you should want, that is NOT fair. power to you for getting the snip done.


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