# I need perspectives from the Cheaters here



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Trying to understand why my husband cheated. He says he doesn't know why, because I am the perfect wife, and have always been. We have had sex almost daily for 16 years. I though I was safe. He says why didn't you stop it sooner? He just explains once you head down that path it is hard to turn back.

Also, he and OW seemed to have serious "love" for each other, or so they thought. Did you let that happen? And why?

Ultimately, he chooses his family over her, but I can tell he will "miss" her for some reason.

Please help me understand, why do you cheaters take this path, continue down it, and let yourself "fall in love" with someone else while married?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, I cheated. This was as a result of my wife cheating. The problem was we never resolved the hurt I felt and as I have mentioned before, I started self-medicating with alcohol.

I had an EA that slid towards a PA which I was able to stop when I suddenly realised I was risking everything for no good reason.

My wife and I talked long and hard about our relationship and resolved things.

I know why I cheated. But your husband doesn't know why he cheated. Therefore I am thinking he needs counselling to help him learn why.

My best wishes to you both.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Simple reasons :

bored with life after 16 years and getting new kicks via the affair instead of re-investing in the marriage

because it was offered and he chose not to decline

because he thought he could get away with it

None of them are very flattering to your H but then cheating is always a BAD choice. I think thats why cheaters stick to 'I don't know' so often because all the excuses are lame.

At least he isn't blaming you which is also very common - he seems to accept its his fault which is a good start

Falling in love is not really difficult - its the infatuation with the new if you allow yourself to get a taste of it

Wishing you well x

PS Sorry, I'm NOT a cheater and having reread your title. you wanted cheater input. I think mine's valid but can see why you want a different slant.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

brokenmama said:


> Trying to understand why my husband cheated. He says he doesn't know why, because I am the perfect wife, and have always been. We have had sex almost daily for 16 years. I though I was safe. He says why didn't you stop it sooner? He just explains once you head down that path it is hard to turn back.
> 
> Also, he and OW seemed to have serious "love" for each other, or so they thought. Did you let that happen? And why?
> 
> ...



I'm on the same boat as you. I've been wondering why my husband cheated. He won't tell me. In fact, he is now blaming me for everything. Did I let it happen? NO, because I had no clue he was cheating. Had I known about it or saw the signs, YES, I would have put a stop to it. 

*He just explains once you head down that path it is hard to turn back.*

That statement made sense to me. I believe this is what happened to my husband. He got in so deep that he can't get out of it. Now he has no choice but to choose her and not me. It would be too hard for him to come back and fix us and the family.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Simple reasons :
> 
> bored with life after 16 years and getting new kicks via the affair instead of re-investing in the marriage
> 
> ...


Yep. I got the blame.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

In my EA, I gave my husband the "It's too late, speech.", "I love the OM", and the "I love you,but-" speech.

Don't let yourself go crazy with the details. It is not your fault that he cheated. HE is the one that chose to cheat. Instead of either coming to you to tell you that something is wrong.

For myself, it was selfishness. I thought that I could have it all. A husband that would support me and have sex with, and an AP who knows me better than I know myself banghead. 

I was getting a rush out of my AP. I was so deep in the fog for a man that I've never met. I hurt my husband. But, I knew I could have talked to my BS. It didn't matter. I wanted what I wanted. Damn the consequences (at the time). Pure selfishness.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Writer said:


> In my EA, I gave my husband the "It's too late, speech.", "I love the OM", and the "I love you,but-" speech.
> 
> Don't let yourself go crazy with the details. It is not your fault that he cheated. HE is the one that chose to cheat. Instead of either coming to you to tell you that something is wrong.
> 
> ...


Few have your honesty.
What made you wake up from the emotional affair ? What made you go back to your husband ?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Writer said:


> In my EA, I gave my husband the "It's too late, speech.", "I love the OM", and the "I love you,but-" speech.
> 
> Don't let yourself go crazy with the details. It is not your fault that he cheated. HE is the one that chose to cheat. Instead of either coming to you to tell you that something is wrong.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
This, exactly.

And, Spunoh, though you didn't ask me... I woke up when my AP chose his ex..to try to make things right with her. I had a lot of those Facebook pictures and stories being plastered all over by my friends and family. Some knew of my situation, some did not. But then, a few songs came up which made me realize that wasn't what I wanted at all. It was almost too late. My husband was starting down that road as well. Where he had been complacent, I was not. It DID take me a few days to get it completely ended. He was more than willing to work with me. But, I woke up because of family and friends praying, listening to songs like "Remind Me" by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real, "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns, "Broken" by Seether & Amy Lee, and "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. All of it worked together to get me to open my eyes. And I thank God it wasn't too late.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Because they have low self esteem. They need outside affirmation. Its an internal weakness. Their ego needs to be inflated constantly. It starts with a little bit of "youre the best" and before they know it they need more and more to keep the high. 

Thats my H's reasoning. It was purely about him. What he wanted/needed. And he knew it but chose to get that outside the marriage. it nearly destroyed us. He sees now that all of it was a mirage. She told him what he wanted to hear as he did her. Nothing was based in reality. I think for men, its ego based alot.

And I though I'd never call myself the perfect wife-was/am a good wife. I gave lots of affection, sex and compliments. Cared about his ideas and thoughts. Though he stopped sharing them with me when she came along b/c she understood him better. Barf. She didnt know a thing about him but that he liked his ego stroked. So dont take this on yourself. The marriage and its breakdowns or weaknesses are 50% yours, the cheating 100% on him.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Well, many things woke me up from it. First, it's easier to look back now for me because this happened for '07. It's easier to look back now that I had complete NC from my AP since August of '07. I felt like I was being ignored by my husband, and I was. However, instead of talking to him about it, I choose the easiest way out. It started as my barraging him for an open marriage (but he couldn't see other women) in June. In July, I turned all my attention to my AP. By August, it was done. Looking back now, it's scary how fast things developed. 

My AP and I always planned to have a life together. He was always suppose to come to me, but he lived 600-ish miles away. I have no illusions that if he lived closer that it would have been a full PA.

I came from a family where I watched the uncles that were like fathers to me cheat on their wives. My one aunt did not know about it until her daughter came to her. I remember my grandfather flying them in from Florida to where we live so she could get away from that environment. I remember her sitting at the table, crying, and saying she loved him and she couldn't figure out why he would do it. It broke my heart to see her like that, and I vowed that I would never be that person and I would never tolerate it.

My husband would do everything that a BS would do. He pleaded with me to end it with my AP. He would yell at me that he was going to divorce me. Nothing really got through my fog.

During this time, I found a video of my AP's wife in my husband's deleted email. Unlike my husband, I would confront my problems head on. I felt like my world was ripping apart, and I could put myself in my BS's | WH place. (hypocritical, yes.) Confronting him and the OW via skype was a hard thing to do. They both lied. He did not admit his until 2 years later. We didn't mention it, basically rug-swept it. The guilt ate him up, and he told me.

Meanwhile, I sat down with a notepad, and I listed the pros and cons of my marriage. If the cons would outweigh the pros, then I would have divorce my husband, and I would have started over. Our daughter was 9 months at the time. I had to consider her, too.

What made me go back to my husband. Towards the end of my EA, my BS would show characteristics of the alpha male. Yes, he was in an EA, but he had enough. He wanted his wife back, or he wanted out. At the time that I started to write my list, and remembering the pain that my aunts went through, he decided to take the bull by the horns (after discovering a chat log from MSN chat). I should have found it strange when he wanted complete transparency for himself as well. 

That night, I came clean at the kitchen table. I basically told him that I was in too deep, I couldn't dig myself out, and I needed his help. It was a very humbling experience for me because I was always expected to be the strong one in the family and listen to everyone's problems and find a way to help them.

So, he stopped all conversations with the OW. We dropped the game that supplied our fix. We blocked all communications with our APs. We refocused our energies onto each other and made our marriage into what we always wanted it to be. I was able to search inside of myself and see what a selfish, immoral person I truly was, at that time. 

Blah, I think that I made this novel-length. But there you have it.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Writer said:


> Well, many things woke me up from it. First, it's easier to look back now for me because this happened for '07. It's easier to look back now that I had complete NC from my AP since August of '07. I felt like I was being ignored by my husband, and I was. However, instead of talking to him about it, I choose the easiest way out. It started as my barraging him for an open marriage (but he couldn't see other women) in June. In July, I turned all my attention to my AP. By August, it was done. Looking back now, it's scary how fast things developed.
> 
> My AP and I always planned to have a life together. He was always suppose to come to me, but he lived 600-ish miles away. I have no illusions that if he lived closer that it would have been a full PA.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your time. It really made me open up about a lot of things. First of them is that you can't force your perspective on someone, just as someone who isn't in your shoes can't understand what you're going through.

I don't know if it's immature about me or is it because my wife went straight into a physical affair, but I don't think that an emotional affair is as hurtful as a physical one. Yet, you can't put a degree on pain.

I also find a pattern, not that I became the expert, but I think that the lack of communication seems to be a powerful trigger to affairs and a huge obstacle towards redemption.

I'm glad that you've put all this behind you. Can't wait until I can do the same.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I always appreciate Writer. She's given me a lot of attention on my posts. I kind of wish in this forum there was an "OM/OW" thread for several reasons - people like me who were led to believe the married person was seperated, because I think a lot of OM/OW are victims and led on - instead of consent agreement to an affair. They're snowed. Also, I think it would add perspective for the BS's. At the end of the day, and life, all you can do is accept and try to understand situations. It's understanding and acceptance (and change of heart/mind) that fixes things. To my point - me, as the OM who was lied to, betrayed, apparently used for sex, than abused and abandoned, my codependent part of me (or is this normal) would like for the person that did these things (I'm not going to say "to me", but did these things) would somehow realize that she has injured someone, have an understanding and empathy (truly, not BS) to reach out as a human being and talk with that other person as long as that other person needs - but to first share the empathy, the realization that they've injured you, reflection, apologies and than allow some time for questions, expressions of emotions to flow outside of them and just let go through humanity. To some, this may be idealistic, but as a man who has, except for twice, ended all of my dating relationships - I'm big on closure as I am a first date - and I know most don't agree with me on this. I think it's very important. I use the analogy of kidnapping. There is no contact in kidnapping. The left party wants to see the body even if it's dead - but the disappearing is cruel, anguish, and not healthy. I think every relationship needs the funeral, the moment to share, laugh, cry, hug and let go. The first girl I fell in love with I had to wait 2 years to get my closure conversation because she was convinced I didn't want closure, but wanted to remained connected. She was so shocked that during the meeting she jumped into my lap to hug me by the things I was saying, then proceeded to call me the next week (but I never picked up the phone) and after that week, she never called again. I broke up with one girl and it took 12 hours - from 3pm to 3am. I sat there and let her have the steering wheel. She's happily married now and I'm sure closure is the right thing to do because I've seen it work and it works for me - but, the person who I was just with since she lied and cheated and betrayed me, her husband and kids, probably doesn't really give a damn about my feelings. The orgasms ended a long time ago. (Angry moment). Haha.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

The mind uses dopamine as its drive. Dopamine loves novelty, loves to rush towards the primitive part of our LAM. brain and activate the reward system. Love is in the mind, with dopamine and testosterone receptors in our hypohallumus, seratonin produced in our raphe nuclei. Most men cheat to get more sex, feed the ego, most women cheat to fulfill the emotional attention, to feel wanted, beautiful and cared for. We get so accustomed to being married and living habitually that we dont work to please the other, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. We get fat, old, we stop caring because we expect them to stay with us at our worst when we choose to stay being at our worst, and selfishly expect our spouse to accept it because thats who we have become....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I believe this is what happened to my husband. He got in so deep that he can't get out of it. *Now he has no choice but to choose her and not me. It would be too hard for him to come back and fix us and the family.*


Are these your beliefs or his?


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## marcgaugha (Aug 27, 2012)

The problem was we never resolved the hurt I felt and as I have mentioned before, I started self-medicating with alcohol.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Are these your beliefs or his?



It is what I believe.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> It is what I believe.


HE DOES HAVE A CHOICE. He has the choice to leave posOW. He doesn't have to be with her at all. 

At the same time, he doesn't have to be with you either...especially if you don't want him anymore. He can be alone. He just chooses not to be. 

But his choices have not gone away as far as posOW is concerned. That's insane. Don't believe it.


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