# Wife says it's over, won't go to couseling



## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

My wife and I are going on our 13th years of marriage (ironic). We have an adopted son who's been with us since he was 2-days-old

About two months ago my wife dropped a bomb on me. She said that she wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind.

The straw that broke the camel's back, she said, was my constant suspicion of her after I had discovered an "emotional affair" she was having online this past November. At the time she made me feel like I had betrayed her trust for spying on her on the internet - it was a guy she knew from college. Up until then she had told me they were just really close friends like brother and sister. She was angry I couldn't just let it go.

As far as I know that has passed. That guy is married too and going to counseling with his wife.

Now my wife has no friends other than those she has met on the internet. She is part of an online community social networking site, and I fear people are egging her on, since they really only know half the story.

I was the classic husband who wasn't very good at expressing emotions or listening intently. I also had the annoying quality of cracking jokes when things got too serious.

In the past when ever we had conflicts I would always promise to change, but what I realize now is without outside help, like counseling, it's difficult to make these changes permanent. So even though my feelings were well intentioned these things didn't always changed.

Most of our arguments were about not helping around the house enough. So after a while I was cooking all the meals and doing most of the child care. I was trying to do more and more to help with what I was led to believe the problem was. 

But what her real discouragement came down to be was emotional. She says that she has changed over the last year and realized that she subjugated herself to me for the past 12 years, and was through. She said that her online relationship gave her emotional intimacy that our relationship lacked. She says she isn't where she pictured her self being at this time of her life and she can't get there with me. She says that my past behavior killed her love for me. She's not in love with me but still loves me.

She said she was so depressed last summer that she wished a truck would have run her over while she was out for a walk.

She never shared these feelings with me, and said if she had I wouldn't have listened. I wasn't even given the chance.

As soon as she mentioned divorce I suggested marriage counseling and she said "Why, so you can sit there and lie to me about all the changes you're going to make?"

Well, I have made progress in therapy. I was diagnosed with adult ADD, which makes a lot of my previous behaviors make sense. I'm taking medication now and have become calmer and a better listener. My wife says it's strange to talk to me now because I can express my emotions and really listen when we converse. We have been experiencing some of the best communication of our whole marriage. But at the same time she knocks my progress by saying the drugs have changed my personality so much it's like living with a stranger.

She is still set on divorcing me. She says the damage to our relationship has already been done.

I was emotional about this whole situation for several weeks. I am at the point now where I feel like I can have a good life even if we divorce. I am trying to forget about my fear of divorce and just try to keep improving myself and am trying to be consistent. 

I have stopped mentioning reconciliation. Even acknowledging that I still have hope for us pisses her off. She says my thinking that way says that I'm really not listening to what she's telling me.

She says, "Would you rather I stay married to you and be miserable the rest of my life or that we divorce?"

The thing is, she never really expressed much discontent until she mentioned divorce and then it was all over.

We are still living in the same house for at least the next six months. She still calls me pet names like honey, sweetie, and baby, but I figure it's just a habit. There is no physical contact except for a hug every once in a while. We sleep in different rooms and pretty much exist as roommates. After that we are going to separate for 6-months (at my request) to see if she still feels the same way when we are apart and splitting time with our son. She doesn't seem to think she'll feel any different, but I feel like she won't know until we get there. I'd prefer we not get to that point. 

Like I said, I am sort of at the acceptance phase, and have left my fear of divorce behind because it can't really help at all anyway. 

So right now I am set on having a great time with my son and being the most happy confident person I can be. I have no idea where this is going, but I'm done being miserable about it.


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

I'm happy for you that you are able to kind of accept that divorce may be inevitable at this point. It sounds like you have really made changes by getting yourself help, and if she thinks she's living w a stranger because now you are able to communicate w her better, that stinks. You have done things on your end, and she's not budging. It's sad. As far as her emotional affair, I know exactly what you are going thru..my husband, how has always been faithful to me, is also having an EA, and he moved out because of it. The problem I have is he does it in front of me when hes here to "see the kids". He texts, etc. I think just to torture me, so be glad she's not doing that to you(hopefully not). It must also be hard to stay living together when deep down in your heart you hope she will change her mind. I guess all I can say is keep doing what you are doing focus on your child, and prayer helps tremendously if youre a spiritual person. Remember--you are a good person who has tried..you are not the problem. Good luck friend.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thanks for your kind words McGraw. They mean a lot especially coming from a woman. 

But in reply, she spends all night on her laptop talking to her friends online. They are her only friends. I don't feel like it's right to deny her that. Maybe that's wrong, but if she thinks I don't trust her still, I really don't have anywhere to go with our relationship.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. She has told me I have no idea who she is or how strong and determined she is. I don't doubt it, but here's my problem.

If you all of a sudden wake up and think you need to stand up for yourself, why can't that land in some middle ground? Why does it have to mean divorce?

There's probably a lot she isn't even telling me. It feels like a mid-life crisis to me, but I feel bad trying to condense it down and label it like that.

I hate this not just for me, but for my son. He's adopted. He's already experienced loss in his life - his mother gave him up for adoption. Now he's also going to be the product of a broken home. For what? So my wife can continue on her path of self discovery? 

She said she knew there were problems all along and chose to just suck it up. But why would somebody go through the emotional roller coaster of a lengthy adoption process with somebody they didn't think understood or supported them?


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

McGraw, 

I hope I didn't come off as chauvinistic by saying I appreciated your views coming from a woman. It's just that my wife has tried very hard to convince me I was the worst husband imaginable. It's nice to be acknowledged for what I am doing.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Tinbergen,
McGraws is right, you're not the problem here. Well, you've been doing your best to change for her.. but now you've changed, turns out she sees you as a different person now. Maybe because, you really had changed.. for the better, I should say. I guess, for now, just continue having fun with your son and regaining your confidence, and continue praying, and yes, it's a big help.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thanks, something else she has said is that there were just too many things wrong in our relationship to ever get back together. That's why I believe there's a lot she's not telling me.

Hell, maybe there really is still somebody else and she's just trying to justify her actions.

She claims she has no interest in people in general right now - which makes sense from her introverted nature and her online addiction, but I don't really know.

I am in a better place mentally now, but I'm still at a loss here. I was driving to work this morning thinking that the feelings of love that I have for her aren't for the person that is before me today. They are for the person I married and lived with for 12 years.

That's when I realized that I don't feel "in love" with her anymore, but I really think the whole love you/in love with you distinction is a load of crap.

I'm rambling :scratchhead:


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

I have to say, she sounds so emotionally distant and disconnected like my husband does. He says he cant forgive me for things that happened yrs ago in our marriage. He actually thinks its funny and laughs when i ask him to come home, having no remorse whatsoever. It also sounds like she has this "addiction" to her "friends", just like my husband has to his "friend", who hes having an EA with. I look at his call log online for his cell (I know its crazy), and he cant go one day wout talkin to this "friend"..even talked to her while he had our daughter to the dr today, and rushed out of our home to go to his dads to call her for over an hour...(I know i'm on a tangent--sorry)! anyway, it sickens me to think that we are good people who have changed, only to get a slap in the face and be left spending our time and energy on where We went wrong, how We can figure them out, and what We can do to fix our marriages. We are the victims here!! I am so frustrated with people in general who have no regard for other peoples feelings..anyway, i know ive rambled here(sorry)..we need a break and we deserve it! p.s. --guys need praise, too...youre welcome!


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

I feel like I've vilified my wife here. I don't really want to do that because I love her. And it really does take two people to screw up a marriage.

She's a good person and mother and has put up with a lot from me. I always thought it was give and take and the relationship was a two way street, but I guess I was wrong.

She says that she tried for years to get me to understand what she needed from me, and that after staying at home for 2 1/2 years with our son she needed even more of an emotional attachment that just wasn't there.

I believe that the whole problem lies in our inability to communicate properly before - she would keep things inside (because she said I never listened - which is only partially true) and inattentive/distracted. As I said I'm being treated for ADD, and not that that's some magic bullet to all my contributions to our problems, but I'm making progress. I'm a more focused, present person. I'm trying to become a better person for myself primarily, but with the hopes that she will notice.

Another reason she gives for not wanting to go to therapy is that I simply took too much from her and she has nothing left to give to our relationship. She says she is tapped out. It makes me sad, because I have seen women posting identical feelings across these boards.

You can't change the past and you can't live in the past, but I just wish I would have woken up sooner. I feel like I failed my wife and my son by my inattention, and now that I have the tools to have a better relationship, the person that got me to this point doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

I'm sorry, I'm just having a downer day.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Tinbergen,

Sounds to me like my situation back in December. my wife wanted to divorce me and there was no talking about it. In the interest of keeping it short, my situation is almost identical to yours. 

Everyone told me "Man, she is seeing someone else... That is the ONLY way she can be so detached from you like this". I denied, denied, denied... After all, nobody knew her as well as I did, and she just plainly would never cheat on me.

Turns out that she cheated on me... TWICE (Two different men)

Once I found out about the affair(s), she broke down and told me that she never really wanted to end it with me, but that was the only way she thought she could bow out without ever having to admit her guilt. She admitted to me that the changes she saw in me made her more angry because she realized that I was not going to quit and that sooner or later, the truth would come out.

I believe that the reality is that she felt like she was in love with the other man, and wasn't sure what she really wanted. What I DO know, however, is that she wasn't thinking clearly about any of it.

I am not trying to get your Under roos in a wad, but maybe it's time to find out the WHOLE story... Maybe you dropped the ball, but what you told us here is NO reason for someone to come out unprovoked with "It's over, I don't want to work it out - End of discussion". The end does NOT justify the means. You don't just wake up one day out of love.

A word about feelings now...

"Feelings" are NOT truth. Feelings are variable... One minute you can be angry, the next happy, etc. It is ever-changing. Truth, on the other hand is a fixed constant. You cannot change or modify it. Truth is whole and complete. There is no "Half-truth" It is either truth, or it is not. There are no in-betweens.

LOVE on the other hand, is something that has to be built. It is made from trust, faith and desire. It is in constant need of nurturing. you have to build it up, take care of it, polish it and cultivate. Once couples stop this process, the finish of love becomes tarnished, rusty and old. With some hard work, however, one can restore the original luster that the love once had.

Again, I have to say that this woman didn't "fall out of love" with you overnight. There's more to it than meets the eye.

~Moog


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Well, she's not physically seeing anybody else. She never leaves the house and we work together - another thing that will suck if we divorce

She could having an emotional affair online with somebody, but I don't believe she's physically cheating on me.

I feel pretty agitated right now after reading your comment. I really hope it's not the case. 

I don't think she is having an online affair currently. 

I think she's at the point now where she feels like she doesn't need anybody to make her happy. You'd have to know my wife to understand, but then again, I thought I knew my wife.

:scratchhead:


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