# long time and end of love



## lostdad2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I am new here but been reading posts on and off for years and have tried some things that have been sugested to others. I have been with my wife for 20 years and married for and married for 16, we have two kids 10 and 6. We both work full time. We have never had one of those over passionate relationships. 
For that past past 8 years it has just kept getting worse. We have had had fights over the years but nothing major. My biggest issue is she makes not time for us and shows no affection. She never says I love you unless I say it first. We have gone weeks without even kissing because unless I kiss her she will not even try. Sex is even worse we have gone many months without it. About a year and a half ago I finally told her I was not happy and was thinking about a divorce. She said that she did not want that. We decided to try to work it out and that lasted about two months before going back. I tried changing by helping more with the kids and the house, but she still did not try to put us first. I have just come to the point that I have given up even trying to work this and trying to stay around for the kids. Most of the night I sleep in the guest room. We had a big fight last week the biggest we ever had. She asked if I wanted a divorce and as much I wanted to say yes I chickened out. We talked about trying to work it out again but I don't fell anything towards her but the thought of not being with my kids all the time kills me. 

I need some advice on what to do.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LD2

If you do not want to be away from your kids then fix your marriage.

It sounds like you and your wife are horrible with communication.

Can I also suggest you read one or two books to books to educate yourself.

I am married 20 years.

One of the books I read that really helped my marriage is "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do about your marriage.

If you have love left for your wife and do not want your family torn apart then I urge you to make some changes.

And if you want to elaborate on your fights then please do share.

HM64


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

She's disconnect from you, this is really hard to overcome. If possible get into marriage counseling now!!!! 

Your marriage is about to end if you don't get on top of this, She's becoming more and more open to the idea of a divorce, so unless you really want it yourself DONT use that word. It sounds like your not even sure what you want. Its too bad almost everyone misses these red flags until its too late. I think your a lil angry, resentful, and so is she. This is prob gonna end bad, cause it doesn't seem like either of you are addressing the issues, taking responiblity for your own faults, or working on any resolutions, except to see the faults in the other person.

I promise you either way you decide to act, your gonna have a much better look at yourself. Your wife is also ripe for an affair, emotional or physical. maybe you are too? You really need to see someone to help get the issues out in the open, but my experience is that until you both take some blame, and address the blame, and learn to appreciate each other. This is going down in flames.


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## lostdad2 (Apr 24, 2013)

Happyman 64 - The last fight was about my work and money. With the changes in the company I work for it hit me really hard and it all blow up in the aspect that at no point did she look at me and say we "will get throught it" she went into I need to find a new job because we need the money. As I know the money is a big part but I would have like a little support. This is the way it always is I just feel she does not care about my feelings and is worried about everything else other than me.

Thumper - I have tried reading a few books and have talk about to a counseler but nothing ever came of it because she just blew it off. Yes I am angry and have been for awhile but instead of coming to me and talking about it she avoids me. I have tried to talk to her but it does not go anywhere because she tries to turn it around on me. Like I have told her many times that I would just like for you to come to me and tell me it will be ok but she never does. I admit I can be closed off at first when I get upset but I do cool off and would like to feel that someone cares about me.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

that's the problem with the disconnection, as this point you have to look at it like she really doesn't care what happens. This is where you need to step up your game, go to the marriage counselor alone, get some tools to deal with the situation and take care of yourself. I'm not gonna like, this is gonna be a LONG process. *prob 6-8 months.


Work on yourself, she will see your working on yourself, be supportive of her NO MATTER WHAT for the time being. You'll need to work really hard to stay positive about everything, especially when she's not. Its important that she see's those 2 things about you, being positive/supportive, and working on yourself. Even when sometimes its just a façade your putting up. Then you just have to hope she realizes/see's what going on and she snaps back in. Being patient with everything is hard I know, but its absolutely neccasarry. 

not sure if you've read over the 180 yet. The Healing Heart: The 180
but it might help you out when you aren't getting the response you want, in the manner you would like them. Stay focused, stay strong, and stay the course.


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## lostdad2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I have been doing 180 for awhile and really did not change anything.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Move back into your own bed.

Go to a good marriage therapist. Invite your wife but go alone if she won't participate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostdad2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I think I am just tired of being the one that has to try to make this work. I have told her time and time again that I want a marriage that is about affection. The only time she shows any sign is when I tell her I am not happy and not sure about the marriage. But then after a while it goes back. So the way that I look at it is I have to adapt to having a wife that does not put us first and shows little affection or move on.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

She cant commit cause she really doesn't know if she even wants to be married. The hard concept here, it really has nothing to do with you. You can jump thru hoops all day, it doesn't matter. The only thing you can do, give her time, give her some space. I feel so bad for you, cause I know how you are feeling right now. You keep fighting to make it work, you feel like she just wont commit back to the relationship, when in truth she left you emotionally a year or so ago, and is now just trying to come to terms with the finality of it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Thumper said:


> She cant commit cause she really doesn't know if she even wants to be married. The hard concept here, it really has nothing to do with you. You can jump thru hoops all day, it doesn't matter. The only thing you can do, give her time, give her some space. I feel so bad for you, cause I know how you are feeling right now. You keep fighting to make it work, you feel like she just wont commit back to the relationship, when in truth she left you emotionally a year or so ago, and is now just trying to come to terms with the finality of it.


And then the coin flips. My wife checked out for about 5 years and said nothing to me about it. Almost certainly at least one affair in that time, plus she pretty much abandoned me emotionally and physically. We were no more than co-tenants of the home, sharing in parenting the kids.

After I really put it on the line with her she has come back into the relationship. She is working hard at it. She seems to really want the marriage. She is a pretty good wife and partner today.

And I find it impossible to get over all the history of what she did for all those years. What once was, has died inside me.

You're right, it has nothing to do with OP right now, it is the wife's issue. She has to figure it out.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Grats Thor, im glad you let it play out, if given enough time things can work out. But time is the only common variable when I see people talking about R. It must have sucked to go thru, to put it mildly, but in the end, the marriage is usually 10x better than it was from my understanding. No more missed signs, the work on the marriage is always there, and the communication is more open that it was before.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Lost Dad,

I can relate to your story. My wife and I have also been together for over 20 years now.

There is zero affection, unless I initiate
No affection or passion. (Hugs, kisses, touching…) unless I initiate

No wet sloppy kisses

Sex? She wants it to over ASAP, Like it’s a chore.

I have talked about leaving and she will get better for a week or so. It’s all forced affection.

I sleep in our spare bedroom too, sometimes on the couch. My wife actually snores now.

Same as you, the thought of being away from my daughter scares the heck out of me. She is just 9.

I have also read many books and nothing has changed.

I did the 180 and it just got the attention of a few OW. Not my wife…(didn’t lead to an A or anything...almost an EA. I saw the signs though) I think I know my rank now. 

I am about to read MMSL. I don’t see it changing my wife any. It may help me to move on.

During my 180, I developed many hobbies and made a few friends. I feel better about myself now.

*Does your wife say I Love You to your children? Does she show affection to them?*

My wife doesn't say I Love You or show much affection very often to our daughter. I want to stay around to make sure our daughter gets her quota of hus for the day.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I know others have mentioned it, but have you tried MC? If not I would try that before anything else.


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