# Can it work????



## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

I posted yesterday my story( where to begin) so I wont rehash too much- I cheated, she cheated, I love her, We have kids who we both agree are what we need to worry about now. I know we should have worried about that before having affairs but we didnt. Now its about her needing time to figure things out and me learning how to give her that time, im a man so I want to fix it NOW not wait to decide if its fixable. My question is, Obviosly things are messed up in our relationship but they have been for awhile and we managed to stay together and just deal with it our own ways. Can we continue to stay together in the house during this period of uncertainty and me do my own 180 while still being together. I think I can hack it, its been awhile since I really felt she was all in and I was always ok with that. I told her if I stay I would like to still have intimacy while she works things out and she said she would. I did ask for her to end the affair and she said she would and as a show of trust I told her I would stop spying on her text history( hard to do but I realize now it just drives me crazy so why bother) its no longer trying to prove she cheated- I know that. Neither one of us want to end it now because of the kids, I have told her I can hack it and after 6 years when our youngest is 18 if things were still in a place where one of us werent happy then we would walk away. Someone please tell me this can work.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

she is in now and I am thinking of maybe getting a therapist myself so I have someone other than her to talk about my issues.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

IMHO, Your plan is short sighted.

You can't gut & remodel it. The foundation has been compromised, there are cracks throughout. Don't build on top of that, it won't hold. You can keep the lot, but the marriage has to be leveled. You have to rebuild, Ground up.

ps. Don't stop monitoring. Trust but verify. Affairs are highly addictive. Addicts lie.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> ps. Don't stop monitoring. Trust but verify. Affairs are highly addictive. Addicts lie.


:iagree:


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

No this is not going to work, you are rug sweeping and the excuse is the kids.

If you want to be roommates that is fine but you need to stop thinking of her as your wife or friends with benefits.

If you want to R she needs to write the NC letter and you need to be the one that sends it.

You need to verify that she is not cheating. No trust yet it has to be earned.

You need IC now and file for D, she needs to know that you are a man and not going to take any BS from her at all. Right now she thinks of you as a doormat.

If she shows you she is really remorseful you can go to MC with her. 

Stop this rug sweeping crap it will only cause you and your kids more pain.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Can we be roomates? does that work. Other then the sex and physical chemistry we dont have problems with anything else. We agree on money, on how to raise kids, how to do our share of the work around the house etc... Crap maybe we have been roomates lol. Can you be divorced and still reside together for co-parenting duties?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I read your other post too. I think you are in a kinda long term marriage correct? Well, imho, your marriage is so messed up. But, does it matter? Nope, because, I have learned in the past 3 years that no body has what I thought was a nornmal "healthy marriages" anyway. 

Many peope stay together for many reasons and call it a marriage. ((Another thing I am learning big time)) Dont try to call your relationship anything more than it is. And who knows, maybe continuing being sexually active towards each other will bring the spark back... 

But for now, you both seem to have lost the emotional connection to each other, to your lives together, & as a family, but can function indepedendenty.

There is a lot of "older" couples who live as you are descrbing, and do quite well. 

It's all what you get use to, whatever you can each endure, and whatever you want for your life, and what she wants for her life. 

It's when you bring others into your childrens lives while living as mom & dad roommates, that may effect your kids psyche.


~sammy


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

mk50 said:


> My question is...
> Can we continue to stay together in the house
> Can we be roomates?
> Can you be divorced and still reside together for co-parenting duties?


You _can_ do anything you want, presumably your here to ask what you _should_ do. 

No one is going to endorse the 'path of least resistance' or 'convenience'. Your looking for a short cut. Asking how to make a straw house. 

Ask yourself exactly how "all in" you really are.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Two things to consider... How much resentment and frustrations will fester over time as you give up a chance for a "healthy" relationship. And two... What kind of "marriage" are you teaching your kids is proper. 

I don't think you're doing any favors to your kids. And I don't think you'll big be able to keep from hurting each other more over the next 6 YEARS! You both couldn't keep your pants done up while you were "committed" to each other before. What makes you think you'll have any more self control now?

And if you're practicing the 180, pretty sure that doesn't include boinking each other...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By MK50*
> Can it work????


*Yes it can work;* I have seen terrible relationships brought back together and work. That is the good news. The other news is that you *BOTH have to be 100% motivated, desperately want to R, and be willing to do anything to heal, and follow up with actions for a long time.*


From what I have read from your posts your wife wants to think about it and still has resentments towards you. Furthermore you said that your wife cannot accept love. That has got to change or you will never have a successful R.


You are much more desperate to tackle this crisis and try and put the marriage back together than she is. That puts you at a disadvantage. It is very good that you want to save the marriage but with your wife’s position described above she will not respect you and may take advantage of your desperation.


What can you do? Right now you can do what you suggested. *You concentrate on only you and the children and get stronger in your emotions ad spirit*. One reason for this is that your weakened state isn’t very attractive to your resentful undecided wife. Another reason to get stronger is that she may leave you no matter what you do. *You need to be stronger for you and your children.*


Unless your wife has a change of attitude your marriage has a very low possibility of working. Unless you get stronger in every way, the chances will be slim to none that your marriage will succeed. *My first paragraph tell you what you BOTH have to do. Is that a possibility?*


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Don't stop monitoring. Trust but verify. Affairs are highly addictive. Addicts lie.


Dido
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I have friends who have stayed together married or never married but co-housing or close to it for the kids. 

One had wife who bought house across the street, another got a duplex and lived in other side, one other living with the wife/ex-wife's family even after divorce, and yet another just living at home (and faking it.) My advice is don't fake it. If you decide to live together and stay married but not as a "couple" don't be wishy washy and let your kids know what the situation is. Be tactful, but be truthful. I learned from friends' kid who is about same age as your youngest, not knowing and wondering if mom and dad are going to get divorced, is really bad. Especially if mom and dad have been faking it since kid was born...so much stress for teen kid, and all unnecessary. People think kids are stupid and naive when it comes to their adults...but they can sense and know things...so just tell them already. It will make them more secure, not less.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I couldn't make it work if my wife cheated but then again I haven't cheated either. So you tell us Mk. If you and her make it work then it can work. You can't make it work by your self so she has to want it just as much as you do. You and her have to NOT-EVER-CHEAT again. That's not so difficult is it? If your answer is yes it's difficult then not you can't make it work.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Thanks to all. I am still having a hard time not telling her i love her. I told her i may be distant but thats cause im going to focus on me for a while. I presented her with a rough contract which outlined that we both have to go to IC for at least 2 years. We have to both go to MC before 2 years. If any spouse cheats they forfeit all custody of kids and retirement money and all else will be handled by attornes. Also cheating will auto lead to filing of divorce. It stated that if either party dcides to end marriage as long as no further infidelity custody and everything else can be worked out together or by attorneys if spmeone wishes. I told her we have to do this because there were nver any consequences before and now there will be definite consequences. I think she was a little taken aback. She asks me to be patient and i told her i will be patient for her to decide whether she wants to R or D but i told her I will not be patient with the contract. I told her since it doesnt mean we cant dissolve all it does is say that if cheating is involved u lose everything. Told her she cant make a real decision with the distraction of another man. Too much? Too strong? I figure I will ask her for an answer to the contract signing after her therapy session later on the week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I think you should have her go NC and go with the agreement now or divorce now. 

You are either in or out. You can not be in part way, it is all or nothing. You also need to monitor because the affair is like a drug. She may not be able to stop. If you both can't stop, then divorce.

All of this drama can not be good for the kids. Marriage is hard and it takes two trying very hard. (and only two, not one, or three) Good luck to both of you.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> I think you should have her go NC and go with the agreement now or divorce now.
> 
> You are either in or out. You can not be in part way, it is all or nothing. You also need to monitor because the affair is like a drug. She may not be able to stop. If you both can't stop, then divorce.
> 
> All of this drama can not be good for the kids. Marriage is hard and it takes two trying very hard. (and only two, not one, or three) Good luck to both of you.


Thanks. I think the contact is basically my way of settig a NC. I hate to monitor because it drives me crazy but I have and there has been no contact the last two days. And yes if she does not agree to the contract I may be forced to do the last thing I want to do.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

The contract is very good!
*Make sure that you have your attorney review so that it will stand in court*


Like harrybrown I think that NC is important. I also hope that you both get to the point that you are in the condition that I mentioned in my last post reprinted below
*



BOTH have to be 100% motivated, desperately want to R, and be willing to do anything to heal, and follow up with actions for a long time

Click to expand...

*


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

mk50 said:


> Thanks to all. I am still having a hard time not telling her i love her. I told her i may be distant but thats cause im going to focus on me for a while. I presented her with a rough contract which outlined that we both have to go to IC for at least 2 years. We have to both go to MC before 2 years. If any spouse cheats they forfeit all custody of kids and retirement money and all else will be handled by attornes. Also cheating will auto lead to filing of divorce. It stated that if either party dcides to end marriage as long as no further infidelity custody and everything else can be worked out together or by attorneys if spmeone wishes. I told her we have to do this because there were nver any consequences before and now there will be definite consequences. I think she was a little taken aback. She asks me to be patient and i told her i will be patient for her to decide whether she wants to R or D but i told her I will not be patient with the contract. I told her since it doesnt mean we cant dissolve all it does is say that if cheating is involved u lose everything. Told her she cant make a real decision with the distraction of another man. Too much? Too strong? I figure I will ask her for an answer to the contract signing after her therapy session later on the week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do know you cannot make a contract that denies someone their basic rights? A parent has a right to have a relationship with their children, and custody of them, regardless of whether they cheat again. They also have a right to marital assets. Which they will need, to help provide for their children.

Maybe your state/country has different laws but generally speaking in the US a contract is void if it is not in line with the governing laws. 

Don't tie marriage issues with parenting issues. In a court of law they don't have much to do with each other. It will make you look like some kind of misinformed control freak who has to go to great lengths to get fidelity for your wife. Instead of making it look like she's the one with the issue, it will back fire. Plus, it will be a waste of money. You might find an attorney who will draft it for you, and she might agree with it, but that doesn't mean it can actually be enforced.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Ha ha. You asked her to end the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can do this. But together with couples counselling. 

Not entirely sure the 180 is appropriate in your case.

You both need 100% honesty and transparency. 

Or if not fixable, go your separate ways and co-parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Whatever happened to just plan "love in," in a marriage, just "plan goodwill", just "plan wanting to be together," just plan "this life is good and I'm here because I love you, and want to share my life with you?" Why something that started out so nice turn so not right?

Infidelity sure changes everything seems... 

~sammy


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