# Am I wrong to be upset?



## Thinkingaloud

My husband went to dinner with coworkers the other night. It was a 5pm dinner and he told me where he was going. When he wasn’t home after 11pm, I started to worry. The restaurant closed at 7pm or 8pm and I hadn’t heard from him. I texted, called, emailed, Facebook messaged every 20-30 minutes or so for hours. I didn’t ask where he was or when he would be home (I didn’t want him to feel like I was controlling him), but just begged that he answer me and tell me he was ok. I was terrified he’d been in an accident or something. Finally, at 2:40am he texted that he’d be home in a few minutes. He got home around 3am. This was 2 nights ago. He’s not said a word about it. I have no idea where he was or who he was with- especially after the restaurant closed. I’m already anxious about COVID-19, and now I’m worried he wasn’t social distancing among many other worries. If he wanted a late night out- fine. But why put me through the worry of not knowing where he was at the time? Or if he was ok? And to continue the disrespect by not even apologizing or discussing it. Am I wrong to be upset? (Married 12 years. 4 kids.)


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## Lostinthought61

Absolutely not....you know the old adage nothing good happens after midnight....time to turn on the 180 rule....he owes you answers and he is being squirrelly


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## bobert

He absolutely should have checked in with you. If something came up, and that does happen, he should have at least apologized and explained what happened.


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## notmyjamie

Have you told him how you're feeling about it? I think you should tell him that you don't appreciate him allowing you to worry like mad for him. How would he feel if you did the same?


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## Thinkingaloud

notmyjamie said:


> Have you told him how you're feeling about it? I think you should tell him that you don't appreciate him allowing you to worry like mad for him. How would he feel if you did the same?


not yet. He got home at 3am Monday and worked all day/evening Monday and Tuesday. He gets home around 9pm and I went to bed early last night after waiting up all night for him the night before. I plan to talk with himsoon. It hurts especially bc he knows I’ve been struggling with anxiety (Seeing a counselor and considering meds) but had no problem putting me through that worry. I’m much more hurt and sad than I am angry. Although I’m angry too.Haha.


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## bobert

Curious, have you been (or has he accused you of being) controlling? Has he done this before or was this the first time?


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## Thinkingaloud

I’m not controlling- but it is something he fears/accuses me of (mommy issues?). I don’t like when he drinks too much and I’m always encouraging him to be safe, but I’ve never said “no” to a friends night out or anything like that. And no- he’s not done something like this before. Communication is a weak point for sure- but this was a whole other level of disrespect and disregard for my feelings.


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## Dadto2

3am and doesn’t want to talk about it?? I would demand a damn answer. You’re his wife. Has he ever cheated on you?


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## ah_sorandy

Dadto2 said:


> 3am and doesn’t want to talk about it?? I would demand a damn answer. You’re his wife. Has he ever cheated on you?


I think there is something definately not right with a 03:00 arrival home from a work event that hasn't involved some funny business.!!!.

Most, if not all work events I was invited to for dinner or evening events, spouses were invited to.

Something smells in Jersey.

JMHO.


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## Thinkingaloud

Yeh- it wasn’t “official” work event. It was a group of coworkers meeting for dinner/drinks bc 2 coworkers were leaving. Even still- 3am on a Sunday night is crazy.
No- he’s never cheated before.


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## Tdbo

At a minimum, it is certainly rude and inconsiderate.
He really is the one that is making himself look guilty.
If it truly was a situation where he was with some people talking, or playing cards or something and got carried away and lost track of time, why not just admit it?
Why did he not realize that perhaps he should just make a call or drop a text saying "We are doing X , and I will be home late." Where was his phone?
His not apologizing or discussing it certainly makes what could be innocent look nefarious.
If my wife pulled that on me, "No" would not be an option for her. I would get to the bottom of it, if it was the last thing I ever did.
My guess is that there was a strip club involved, at a minimum.


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## GC1234

I would be LIVID if my husband pulled that crap. Truthfully, he wouldn't have found me home, I would have gone out myself or probably slept by my parents and not answered any calls...see how fast the behavior changes. Not sure if you have kids...but that's irrelevant. I would definitely speak to him about it calmly. I might say, "hey hun, the other night, I'm glad you had fun, but I tried to call b/c I was worried you were hurt, AND you didn't respond...I found that a little disrespectful...is everything ok?" But he definitely owes you answers for sure. Also, regarding the crowd...were they all males or males and females? And if you went out with coworkers the way he did, would he be okay with that?


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## Dadto2

Thinkingaloud said:


> Yeh- it wasn’t “official” work event. It was a group of coworkers meeting for dinner/drinks bc 2 coworkers were leaving. Even still- 3am on a Sunday night is crazy.
> No- he’s never cheated before.


Not sure what state you are in, but some states are requiring bars to close at 11pm due to covid. So I would want to know what he was doing until 3am. Nothing is open at that time of the morning except the Waffle House. I spent many a nights back in college at the WF at 2-3am, but only because my friends and I had been out clubbing looking for coeds. You don't keep secrets from your spouse unless you're scared of what might happen if they find out. Even if he was out with the guys and got drunk, seems he would tell you that. Sorry, but I think a woman was involved.


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## Yeswecan

Common courtesy to let one's spouse know their whereabouts. The trouble starts when the spouse does not tell his/her whereabouts. Arriving home at 3 AM with no explanation is a RED flag. You might want to check his phone and who is being texted.


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