# Day 5 without him



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Today is day 5! This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him in many years. My heart aches. But the reality of it is, I’m missing a ghost. I’m missing the person he once was.. but hasn’t been in years. I’m missing a relationship that hasn’t existed in years. Maybe I’m a mess because my whole life just got flipped upside down and my future is so uncertain. Or maybe I’m a mess because he called me a few times both Sun and Mon because he was feeling sad and we actually talked, respected each other’s feeling and were compassionate to one and another.. but I haven’t heard from since yesterday morning when he seemed a little more upbeat. Maybe I’m sad because I feel like he doesn’t miss me. Maybe I’m angry that he is staying with his mom right now, where he doesn’t have to put on a fake smile, cook, clean and everything else and keep the house running for the kids. Maybe I’m jealous that he has more flexibility and time to grieve his feelings and spend time with friends and family. Maybe I’m feeling empty because I don’t feel needed or wanted anymore. Maybe it’s my ego feeling bruised because he is letting ME go! But mostly, I think I’m sad because I miss having someone. Each morning I have to wake up and remind myself that I am a single mom, that he is no longer coming home, that I have to struggle to make ends meet, I have to do all the household chores alone, I don’t have anyone calling to tell me they love me, I don’t have someone to help me support my home and girls. Then there’s the second guessing myself and wondering if I would’ve done things/handled things differently could we have had a better marriage. There’s also the major disappointment in myself for picking up smoking again after almost 11 months for being smoke-free. I just can’t stand being inside my own head right now. I’m tired of everyone telling me it will be ok. I know it will be. I know I just need to get through the hard stuff.. but I’m really struggling with my emotions right now and I am having a hard time staying positive. I’m having a hard time taking care of me. I haven’t eaten much in these 5 days. I’m a wreck!I feel shaky and distorted. Ugh. Hoping for a better day


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Better days are just around the corner, but you already know that.

Smoking: Order yourself a $30-$40 e-cigarette starter kit and never smoke again. I switched 4 years ago and haven't looked back since (I loved smoking and went through a pack a day). It's the easiest way to satisfy your nicotine addiction without doing yourself any harm.

Jealousy: Completely normal. The one who wants out of the relationship is always one step ahead of the left-behind spouse. Feelings of anger, jealousy and disbelief are very much expected. They must peak and then subside in order for healing to happen. Let yourself feel these nasty feelings. They'll make you 10 times the person you are right now.

Sadness: your brain is coping. Indifference is what it's trying to achieve, but indifference never comes before sadness. Again, allow yourself to feel sad and cry as much as you can. Tears expedite the transition from sadness to indifference. Women have the gift of virtually unlimited tears and no shame of crying. Use the gift to heal yourself faster.

You'll be fine. Consider the sh1ttiest part of this experience a 6-week journey through hell. It's often after week 6 that you'll start to feel stronger and stronger everyday (with hiccups from time to time). 

I'm sorry you are here. I know it's not easy. It's absolutely unbearable at times. I know. 

You'll be fine. Live life 5 minutes at a time. I had to live it 30 seconds at a time at some point. Things turned around. Yours will too very soon. I promise.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am so sorry for your situation and for all the hurt that you feel. Everything you have described is normal and it reminds me of what I went through five years ago. At that time, I couldn't bear it when people said I would "feel better" over time. I couldn't bear it because every single 24 period of time felt like an eternity, and I couldn't even contemplate what a year or two would feel like!

I am, however, well down the road now and I can say without any fear - things will get better. I have found that there are some important things you can do, however, to make these days more manageable. Finding the help and support of a small group of friends or a confidant is crucial. For me this came in the form of a Pastor and a Divorce Recovery Group. Isolation is just a killer. Have you sought the help of a counselor at all? Are you involved with a church? 

Another key ingredient is hope. I know what those dark days are like when it feels like nothing will ever be good again. Hopelessness leads to all kinds of trouble and you just don't want to go there. My sense of hope came from a renewed relationship with God. I ruined my marriage because I was a selfish man who cared only for himself. I got what I deserved, but the Lord is an ever present help in time of trouble. He is gracious and loving and the Bible declares that "His mercies are new every morning." In Him I have found strength to pick up all the shattered pieces and establish a foundation to build my future upon. I am not trying to be preachy but I do have more information if you want to send me a private message.

In the meantime, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. May the Lord bless your heart today and give you hope for the future.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

You said that you ruined your marriage because you were a selfish man. This tugs at my curiosity. Did you try to get your wife back? Maybe I’m asking because that’s another emotion that I am struggling with.. the hope that he would do the work to win me back. 
I think what has me the most confused in not knowing whether this is a divorce or a separation? Are we finished for good or is there a chance we can work things out? 
I will eventually write my story.. but for a brief overview; he’s a on and off alcoholic that also battles depression. I have codependency issues. We have been together 12yrs. I’m not sure if our relationship was ever a real, mature, adult relationship with closeness and love?! Over the past two years I grew up a lot and started thinking about what I wanted from my marriage. I wanted a friendship, love, closeness.. I wanted to be a team. After I learned what I wanted out of life, I tried so hard to open my heart and let him in.. I wanted more than anything to have a new beginning and grow close.. but because of his issues he just pushed me away and I spent more time crying in the past few months then I had in the whole 12yrs. There were many times that I cried in desperation for our marriage to end so that I didn’t have to argue and cry another day. I took my ring off 9 months ago (we only separated 7 days ago) as a sign that I just couldn’t live the way we were living anymore. I meant it as a sign that I had one foot out the door and needed change! It hurt him deeply and caused more resentment towards me. His alcoholism has always caused us much stress and many arguments. He grew hatred towards me, thinking I was trying to control his life and keeping him from being the person he wanted to me. His depression made him a miserable and distant person. The hostility and arguments kept getting louder, more frequent and meaner. We had to separate. Our home environment wasn’t pleasant, to put it gently.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically, he was fine being married to you until you started expecting a real relationship with him, without his bottle. Many many alcoholics will choose the bottle over their partner.


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