# I Totally Lost My Husband's Trust and Maybe, My Husband?



## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends. I tell my husband where I am at all the time and I think he should trust me. I am near the point where I want a divorce. Our whole marriage has been stressful, and once he put the ring on my finger, he changed. I feel I have been doing everything. I am the negotiator, the planner, etc. He relies on me heavily to the point where I feel it is one sided. I give and give and never recieve anything in return.

I even tried to be intimate with him the other day, and he coughed on me and told me move out of the way. He does not respond to me or look at me the same. I have pretty much had it. When he does this, it hurts my feelings and he knows this, but yet he continues. He also feels I am not going anywhere no matter what he does. I don't know. It used to be that way. I am afraid to say that I am ready to move on.

I told my sister about this, and she thinks the reason that he thinks I am cheating is because he is cheating. She is asking me how I am missing this and honestly, I told her, I do not see any signs he is cheating on me. Although he could be, I do not have any proof to back this up. 

I think our marriage is about to expire. I want to file for divorce, but I know he would not be in compliance with this because I am the reason he is functioning in society and I am a very good woman. I felt I have been very good to him. He knows this. So can I still get a divorce without him agreeing to it and how can I do this the cheapest way possible. Also, other feedback is appreciated as well.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not so sure you're really "just friends" with this guy, but you say that's what it is so we'll just leave it at that. Honestly, I believe you're at least in an emotional affair with him. But that's neither here nor there, since it sounds like you're ready to call it quits.
To answer your question, yes..you can get a divorce without someone agreeing to it in most states. It takes longer and is more expensive. If you live in the US most attornies will offer a 15 minute consultation for free. That should give you some idea of what you're up against, and how much it will cost.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And just why would you have a guy friend? 

Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop. 

My wife has never ever had any guy friends. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. We have been together 22 yrs total. Conversely, I do not have and female friends. We each may know people of the opposite gender but not as friends without each other. 

Guys have one thing on their minds. And it's getting their hooks into you!

Stop the BS. Drop the guy friends. 

Come straight home from the gym or move to a different one or take your husband with you. 

Next I think you both need to communicate better. You both seem to be not giving each other what you both need. 

Lots of books out there. I can recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Try affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com. Lots of relationship building advice on both sites.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Different perspective here...

Your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you but wants you to stop talking to the other guy? Interesting don't you think? Does he do this every time you try to be intimate or just occasionally?

It doesn't sound to me that your marriage has been one of negotiate and compromise, which leads to stress and ultimately "resentment". I definitely hear and feel it in your post.

People don't change unless they are in pain, frustration or hit bottom. 

Divorce..only takes one to do it, don't have to be in agreement.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> And just why would you have a guy friend?
> 
> Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.
> 
> ...


This is great advice if everybody's marriage could or would stop negative behaviors.. and learn how to compromise, apologize, respect and love one another. Do you really think everyone wants to compromise and take care of the others needs? If this were so..why are there so many people posting on here? Books and counseling only works if you have willing people.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> And just why would you have a guy friend?
> 
> Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.
> 
> ...


Whoa!
Just because your wife doesn't have any guy friends, it doesn't mean that other people's wives don't have guy friends. This isn't the 50's. My wife has guy friends, i have female friends, female friends i talk to all the way back from kindegarten. And trust me, i'm not planning on putting my hooks into any of them. Only boundaries we have in regards to opposite sex friends is ex's. We have -0 ex's as friends. To me, there is no reason to commmunicate with a past love. But all that other stuff you said, cmon man. Its about trust. My wife had guy friends before she met me, i didn't expect her to cut them off. I am not insecure that way.

To the OP... you wouldn't be the first woman whose husband start accusing them of cheating out of nowhere... when it was in fact them cheating. Their guilt does this to them, they are doing wrong, and its eating them up inside, so to alleaviate said guilt, they manufacture the notion that their significant other is cheating... thus its okay for them to turn and cheat. Not saying this is the case, but if your hubby is coming out of nowhere, with no proof whatseover, then this could possibly be the cause. Good luck, and try to sit him down and have a heart to heart. If it continues to be only one side trying to fix this, then you may only have one resort, and that's to end it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

superwoman said:


> Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends.


Context: How late? And where are you talking? At gym, in car?, at a restaurant? His house? where?

Ten minutes of shooting the breeze outside the gym entrance is not the same thing as four hours of emotional connection over coffee somewhere.

And the progression from those 10 minutes of breeze shooting to 4 hours of emotional connecting can happen pretty quickly. And the next stages are obvious.

The two of you have hit a patch of resentment. Worth a divorce? Seems not to be so. Refocus on each other. You can fix this.


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## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Powerbane, having male friends does not mean cheating and disrespecting. Where did u get that from? Do you think that we have to avoid having male frineds to avoid cheating? That is just nonsense. There must be trust in a relationship and everyone has to be resposible. Adults should not be like childern falling into temptations!

To the poster, if you just have causal chit-chat outside the gym on leaving that's fine, but staying longer all th etime is also irritating your husband. So if this guy doesn't really matter to you, as you say, then try to prove your husband wrong. I think that staying longer after the gym is not the main reason why your husband is acting this way((


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

superwoman said:


> Well, my husband thinks I may be cheating on him which is far from the truth. He is accusing me, so I am almost enticed to do so. Reason is because I have been coming home from the gym late, I have been talking to this guy. It is nothing serious. We are just friends. I tell my husband where I am at all the time and I think he should trust me. I am near the point where I want a divorce. Our whole marriage has been stressful, and once he put the ring on my finger, he changed. I feel I have been doing everything. I am the negotiator, the planner, etc. He relies on me heavily to the point where I feel it is one sided. I give and give and never recieve anything in return.
> 
> I even tried to be intimate with him the other day, and he coughed on me and told me move out of the way. He does not respond to me or look at me the same. I have pretty much had it. When he does this, it hurts my feelings and he knows this, but yet he continues. He also feels I am not going anywhere no matter what he does. I don't know. It used to be that way. I am afraid to say that I am ready to move on.
> 
> ...


You can get a divorce even if he doesn't want it. Talk to a divorce lawyer. If both side had to agree to a divorce before a divorce could be legal then most of the divorces would never happen. It may not be easy and if you are working, or making the majority of the money he may fight you for spousal support. OR he may fight you and draw it out even if he make the most money in the marriage--but you can still be granted a divorce. It just may take longer if he isn't willing.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I'm not so sure you're really "just friends" with this guy, but you say that's what it is so we'll just leave it at that. Honestly, I believe you're at least in an emotional affair with him. But that's neither here nor there, since it sounds like you're ready to call it quits.
> To answer your question, yes..you can get a divorce without someone agreeing to it in most states. It takes longer and is more expensive. If you live in the US most attornies will offer a 15 minute consultation for free. That should give you some idea of what you're up against, and how much it will cost.


I am completely just friends with this guy. I have no reason to lie on this forum. I am not sure what an emotional affair is. I never knew of such which is interesting. He is an attractive guy, but I have seen many attractive guys over the years and never have taken action on them. The reason I am friends with the guy because we get along very well. We seem to have a lot to talk about and I can be myself whenever I am around him. My husband just pushes me away constantly. I am tired of it. I would not cheat on my husband, but I can't take the hurt anymore.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> And just why would you have a guy friend?
> 
> Your husband knows about this guy friend and doesn't like it and you don't have enough respect for your husband to stop.
> 
> ...


I feel like there is nothing wrong with having guy friends at all. If hubby wants to keep a wife with him, then he should do whatever it takes to keep her and then he wouldn't worry about her having guy friends. Otherwise, if hubby is worried about wife having guy friends, he is either deficient somewhere in the marriage, or he is doing dirt. 

My husband never wants to workout with me. He never wants to do anything with me whenever I ask. Whenever it's about him, I do whatever it takes to please him. I am on my own now, and he will just have to deal with me going out and doing better for myself. The reason I signed up for the gym was to give me more confidence and to make me feel good that I was doing something good about myself. I wanted to build my self esteem back up, which was killed over the years with my husband. I feel I have control now, and it feels so dang good after all of these years. I have been backed into a corner most of our marriage.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

40jane said:


> Different perspective here...
> 
> Your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you but wants you to stop talking to the other guy? Interesting don't you think? Does he do this every time you try to be intimate or just occasionally?
> 
> ...


It's really a shame that I have to beg my husband for sex and he does it just to satisfy me. I have stopped asking. I do occasionally come on to him, he either pushes me away or something is always wrong with him. He is hooked on porn and hides it from me. That I do know for a fact. He knows my opinion about the porn, which is the reason he is hiding it. I promise I will never get married again because people change so fast. He was just faking all along.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Whoa!
> Just because your wife doesn't have any guy friends, it doesn't mean that other people's wives don't have guy friends. This isn't the 50's. My wife has guy friends, i have female friends, female friends i talk to all the way back from kindegarten. And trust me, i'm not planning on putting my hooks into any of them. Only boundaries we have in regards to opposite sex friends is ex's. We have -0 ex's as friends. To me, there is no reason to commmunicate with a past love. But all that other stuff you said, cmon man. Its about trust. My wife had guy friends before she met me, i didn't expect her to cut them off. I am not insecure that way.
> 
> To the OP... you wouldn't be the first woman whose husband start accusing them of cheating out of nowhere... when it was in fact them cheating. Their guilt does this to them, they are doing wrong, and its eating them up inside, so to alleaviate said guilt, they manufacture the notion that their significant other is cheating... thus its okay for them to turn and cheat. Not saying this is the case, but if your hubby is coming out of nowhere, with no proof whatseover, then this could possibly be the cause. Good luck, and try to sit him down and have a heart to heart. If it continues to be only one side trying to fix this, then you may only have one resort, and that's to end it.


I spoke to my big sister about this and she thinks he is definitely cheating on me. She says I am in denial. It is not easy for me to walk away. If people only knew how much I went back and forth about this in my head. I love my husband so much and I care for him a lot, but I feel that I can be much happier on my own and not have the stress of our sex life and worrying about what he thinks about me.

I don't think talking to him does any good, he already knows how I feel, to the point where he won't change. I think he is completely paranoid and he is not able to take me talking to him seriously at this point. He may try to kill me or himself. I had a dream before we got married that he choked me. It was bad because it shook me up. I woke up in the middle of the night scared to death, laying next to him and he told me he would never hurt me. I don't think he will handle the whole thing well. I think I have talked to him and warned him plenty of times that I was going to leave him if he didn't change.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So this "friend" and you have so much to talk about and you have a dream that yr husband will choke you to death, and have no evidence whatsoever that he is a violent person, and you sister thinks he is cheating on you?

And he won't have sex with you either?

I just have to say that you either are leaving out a lot or something is off kilter.

Strictly based on what you have written here I see you connecting dots that shouldn't be. And you are so having an emotional affair.

If you were not you'd give up friendships that make your h uncomfortable .

Truest test of your intentions with work out guy is to ask that guy if he would sleep with you if you were not married.

Not suggesting you do!

But I already know his answer.

And I think you do too.

He's not your platonic friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> Context: How late? And where are you talking? At gym, in car?, at a restaurant? His house? where?
> 
> Ten minutes of shooting the breeze outside the gym entrance is not the same thing as four hours of emotional connection over coffee somewhere.
> 
> ...


Sometimes we will be talking until 10:00pm at night after my one hour workout at 7:00pm. We just spend the night just sitting inside the gym talking. It's just talk about our day and working out. It is nothing really major. It's just a friendly conversation. I can talk to him about anything and tell him anything. It's just fun to talk to someone that you can share anything with. I wouldn't be able to do this with my husband because he does not want to talk. My husband does not tell me about his work life. I have to find out from his friends what is going on because they tell me and they ask me if he told me about it. No, of course not. He comes home, sits in his chair, watches his television shows without saying barely a word to me and then he goes to bed.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Jenniferm said:


> Powerbane, having male friends does not mean cheating and disrespecting. Where did u get that from? Do you think that we have to avoid having male frineds to avoid cheating? That is just nonsense. There must be trust in a relationship and everyone has to be resposible. Adults should not be like childern falling into temptations!
> 
> To the poster, if you just have causal chit-chat outside the gym on leaving that's fine, but staying longer all th etime is also irritating your husband. So if this guy doesn't really matter to you, as you say, then try to prove your husband wrong. I think that staying longer after the gym is not the main reason why your husband is acting this way((


I am not going to say that the guy does not matter to me. We have become really good friends. I don't come home 1am in the morning or anything. The gym closes at 10pm and that is the latest I stay. My hubby just sits on the couch and complain about what is hurting him all the time. I told him that I could not be a couch potato like him. I do want to get up and do stuff. I have gained too much weight sitting on the couch with him and waiting on him to change. 

Yes, staying longer is the only reason he thinks I am cheating which is not reasonable means. Ok, something has to be going on that I don't know about. He even stays up late at night now. He used to go to bed at 7pm. Now he stays up late like I do. Like right now, he has to go to work early in the morning and he is sitting up with me at home as I am typing this message. He has even started drinking coffee to stay up with me. Now, I am going to tell you, I may only talk to the guy at the gym once a week until 10pm. So, most nights I am at home with hubby and he is staying up late with me watching TV. He even went to the store to go grocery shopping with me today. Keep in mind, we have not been grocery shopping together in years and everytime I had asked him if he wanted to come with me; he never came, until today when he volunteered.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> So this "friend" and you have so much to talk about and you have a dream that yr husband will choke you to death, and have no evidence whatsoever that he is a violent person, and you sister thinks he is cheating on you?
> 
> And he won't have sex with you either?
> 
> ...


I am really trying to summarize this without going into a life story. I am not saying my husband is violent. I don't know if he has the propensity to become violent. He has not told me a lot of things about his past when he was in trouble with the law. His mom seems to want to tell me what's going on at times, but she holds back. She is just so glad that he met me and he seems to be heading in the right direction. She felt I was his rock for helping him be good. Now, if I divorced him, I don't know what he would do. I don't think he would take it very well.

Again, to summarize the reason my sister thinks he's cheating on me is because of the way he acts whenever he is around me. He is ready to throw me under the bus and there is no affection toward me whatsoever.

So, what's a woman to do?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

For one, live your life in truth. Not in "feelings" your sister has or dreams you might have.

I think you should go to marriage counseling with your h and back off of your friendship.

And make an attempt through counseling to reconnect intimately with him.

If it doesn't work? Only then abandon your marriage. And hopefully, it will work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why does your sister think he's cheating on you? Accusing you of having an affair is hardly proof of him cheating.

C


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

MxRacer965 said:


> 2 hours just chatting with a guy after working out at the gym? If my wife did that I would be furious. I can't blame your husband for accusing you of cheating. I would think mine was cheating too if she told me that she got done working out at 8 but didn't leave until 10 because she was "just talking" with a guy "friend". You are definitely having an emotional affair and he is definitely looking to take this to another level, no guy would just sit around and talk for hours for no reason unless you were more than just two people that chat at the gym or he wanted more than that. Stop now or you will get divorced.
> 
> Take the energy you are putting into this other guy and start putting it into your marriage and your husband. Go to counseling if you have to. Just stop with the other guy and focus on your relationship with your husband instead of this other guy.


Oh boy, here it goes. I know he wants more than just friends and so do I. He has not told me this, but we flirt back and forth every now and then. We talk to each other with our eyes and we are able to flirt that way too. I was trying not to get deeply involved when he first started flirting months ago. He just would put me at his center, and I liked that. It is just us when we are talking and nothing else seems to exist. He made up for the lack of attention I was not getting at home. I slowly started coming around and began to flirt back. I was cautious, putting my foot in the water, but eventually I went all in.

I care for this guy deeply. He had a death in his family and I gave him a sympathy card telling him I was worried about him. I am scared too death. I don't want to be in love again. I don't want a relationship again either, but I can't just drop the guy. I can't do it. I go through it in my head over and over, but it is hard.

This just too far to turn around. I can't give up on the guy now because my husband wants it because I am now in too deep. I am no longer in love with my husband anymore. I fell out of love with my husband almost a year ago when he insulted me. I cried and it hurt me so badly. He has insulted me many times and I have cried many times. That time was the last tear. I was done. I am going to make this all about me.

I think our marriage is beyond repair at this point. I know I could give up on the guy, but I would not feel right and I would not feel that I made a good sacrifice to benefit me. 

My husband and I have been through a lot, but the one thing I asked for him is to be respectful to me and never did that. He never appreciated me as his wife. I am really telling the truth, and the way he has treated me, has made me this way. He knows he has not been the best husband, and this is the reason he is on edge. I am just 90% close to throwing in the towel now. Years ago, I did not have the strength to do this, but now I feel strong and ready.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Divorce him. Your reticence to be truthful here on this forum when many tell you the obvious that you have now admitted shows how far into the fog you have travelled.

Whatever things he has done that has you reacting in resentment and justification are not at the core of why you are zooming in on cheating while still saying it's not cheating.

You are infatuated with another man. It's affecting your marriage in a big way.

If you won't stop, again, I recommend divorce.

Just don't expect fantasy man to rescue you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

I have been doing some research about this "emotional affair" and from the definition, I am definitely having an emotional affair. No doubt about it. 100%. So, I have already cheated on my husband I suppose? Even, if I did not have physical contact with the guy? I think cheating is physical contact with another person, but people have many descriptions. 

I was just so shocked that there were many sites about this topic. So, I basically already cheated on my husband, and so to me, it means our marriage is over. Why take the chance of me having another emotional affair. I think once a cheater, always a cheater. So, I don't think I would be able to fight temptation back, had it crept in again when we began having marriage problems.

Oh, I think why did I get married? I am not cut out for this marriage thing. I may have recieved my dad's side of the gene pool.


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

superwoman said:


> Oh boy, here it goes...


You can say that again! The 'fog' has settled in.

You are playing with fire. I really doubt your marriage is beyond repair, this is exactly how an EA makes you feel, it is a rush, a high, so to speak. You are enjoying attention from another man that your husband is not giving you. Why dont you open up to your hub, tell him about this other man. See just how fast things will turn around. You may just feel like you did the day you married him.

Unless you really feel like you want to end your marriage, i suggest you drop this friend and dont say you 'can't'. Look deep inside yourself, i mean, REALLY deep. Think about how you REALLY feel but first, try googling Emotional Affair.

Best of luck to you and yours.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> Divorce him. Your reticence to be truthful here on this forum when many tell you the obvious that you have now admitted shows how far into the fog you have travelled.
> 
> Whatever things he has done that has you reacting in resentment and justification are not at the core of why you are zooming in on cheating while still saying it's not cheating.
> 
> ...


Of course you are right. From my own actions, I see that I am cheating on my husband. Woaw! I never thought I would say that. Big denial. I feel what your saying and I keep thinking about giving the other guy up and everytime I do this, I shake my head no. I can't do it. It's just automatic. 

This whole definition of cheating has truly enlightened me. I just have to divorce my husband, because I can not give up on fantasy man. I just can't. I am trying. It's bad. It's really bad. I feel it will only get worse.

I am really close to confiding in him in a big way. I am now nearly willing to share my marriage problems I have been having with my husband. This is something I would generally, keep secret between me and my husband. This is a full blown emotional affair with strong chances it could progress further. I would just rather call it quits for me and my husband before it gets that far.

I have also been doing a bad deed as well. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring. Before I even get in the gym, I take it off in the car and go in to do my workouts. Lately, I have not been wearing my wedding ring at all; not at work or the gym. I have been doing these actions for the past 2 months. I know we have gotten closer because of that. I have been very bad, but I don't really feel too much guilt about it. Go ahead and slap me on the hand. I know I deserve it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are making further justifications to cheat by saying "once a cheater, always a cheater."

Your Fate is determined by your actions and self awareness.

Make wise, informed choices that respect your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

michzz said:


> You are making further justifications to cheat by saying "once a cheater, always a cheater."
> 
> Your Fate is determined by your actions and self awareness.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Either commit to your marriage fully, or get out. It really is that easy. No one deserves this.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Ok, people, I hear you loud and clear. I just spoke with my friend about what I need to do to get a divorce. She says it is a place where you go and they can grant you the divorce without it being contested. So, I pretty much have an idea what to do now. It also helped too, that I did some research and figured out some info about my state. 

Once, I get this resolved, I will never get married, but just live my life the best way possible. I thought about having kids, but was never able to go through with it because of my hubby and just not being sure because it did not feel right. 

I stopped wearing my wedding ring because I did not feel tied to my husband anymore. I don't feel that bond that we had when we got married. I will most likely go to the next step of cheating and I don't feel I want to do that to him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm still trying to figure out why you came here telling of your annoyance with your husband merely because you were friends with some guy to evolve the story to what you say now--you don't wear wedding ring, want this other guy, want a divorce.

Have you already slept with this guy from the gym?

If what you are saying now is on the level, no more to reveal, you owe your husband the truth of his life with you as much as he does to you.

Divorce if you must, but please, be honest with yourself. 

And whatever difficulty it is you have with candor has also leaked over into how you ask for help on an anonymous forum too. It is good you seek help, but it delays getting it when you are not honest.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MxRacer965 said:


> This is where I think back to the "for better or worse" and "until death do you part" vows that you each probably took when you married. That used to mean something at one point. Now it apparently means nothing to people today. Maybe it's just me, but if there is any point where my marriage is suffering as yours is, I will do whatever it takes to turn it around. You fell in love with your husband and married him for a reason. That reason is still there and so is that person. You just have to rediscover that.
> 
> At any rate, you obviously have two options. Divorce your husband and pursue this other guy; Who knows, maybe it will turn out well. But maybe this is a case of "the grass is always greener...". This is probably "easier" and it sounds like you have already justified it in your mind. The other option, and probably more difficult one, is to put all your energy into your husband, your relationship with him, and your marriage. I know which one I would choose as I remember the vows we took together...


My SO and I were talking about this just this morning. The lack of true commitment, which would mean doing everything humanly possible to repair the marriage, and ending things only AFTER you've given it your all to try to fix it. Too many have almost this "entitlement", if you will. They "deserve" to be happy. The commitment means nothing once you're not happy anymore. I just don't get it.
OP..I don't know why you're not willing to try to repair your marriage. I just hope you realize that the problems aren't with your husband, they're within yourself. Problems that likely won't go away in the next relationship you're in either.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> I'm still trying to figure out why you came here telling of your annoyance with your husband merely because you were friends with some guy to evolve the story to what you say now--you don't wear wedding ring, want this other guy, want a divorce.
> 
> Have you already slept with this guy from the gym?
> 
> ...


I don't understand how I was not honest. I came on this forum to seek insight into my problems and possibly get some help with what I was seeing. I never slept with gym guy. As far as I concerned, I have not cheated on my husband. Everyone is saying that I had an emotional affair; which I had never heard of until now. I started this thread with a simple summarized post of my situation and as people made comments, I gave more information about my situation. Never did I lie, nor did I intend to lie. 

Everyone is making my husband to be the poor victim here, but I feel I am more of the victim than anything. I am the person who is tired of the BS and decides that I want to move on with my life once and for all. Counseling is not so easy, as you have to have money to go to counseling. That is the reason I came here to get some feedback about my situation. I would have went to counseling first before coming here if I could. Counseling is the easy answer for everything. 

Lets, put the gym guy aside for a moment OK. I don't even care about that. I care about me being happy and satisfied with my life. I want a less stressful life as possible. You guys do not know how much I struggled to leave my husband, and I would cry my eyes out everytime I tried to leave. Now, that I am in a position now where I can leave and after all of these years of being treated like crap. It feels good to have the power. He wants me more now. He is starting to pay more attention to me. I can now sit back and laugh, because eventually, my life will be less stressful and I have control.

So, if you guys are just going to jump on me and tell me how I am wrong when I never cheated on my husband and he may have cheated on me. I really don't want to hear it. I loved this man to death. You just don't wake up and say I may not love my husband anymore. You just don't stop wearing your ring after you committed to this man for the rest of your life. Unless, he did something to make me fall out of love; which he did. I was fat and trying to be happy, but not anymore. 

He would have naked women on his phone and take pictures of women's butts. I let it go for a while because I was struggling with myself. I was a dang good woman to him all of these years, and when you had enough, you had enough. Period.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do you want to remain married to your husband?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

superwoman said:


> I don't understand how I was not honest. I came on this forum to seek insight into my problems and possibly get some help with what I was seeing. I never slept with gym guy. As far as I concerned, I have not cheated on my husband. Everyone is saying that I had an emotional affair; which I had never heard of until now. I started this thread with a simple summarized post of my situation and as people made comments, I gave more information about my situation. Never did I lie, nor did I intend to lie.
> 
> Everyone is making my husband to be the poor victim here, but I feel I am more of the victim than anything. I am the person who is tired of the BS and decides that I want to move on with my life once and for all. Counseling is not so easy, as you have to have money to go to counseling. That is the reason I came here to get some feedback about my situation. I would have went to counseling first before coming here if I could. Counseling is the easy answer for everything.
> 
> ...


I think you weren't being honest with yourself? Did you really believe that this "friendship" with the other guy was completely innocent? You saw NOTHING wrong in what you were doing? If that's the case, ok then. So be it. 
But..now that you know..what do you want to do about it? What keeps you married to your husband if he is not someone you want to be married to anymore? You can't afford counseling, I get that..not everyone can. You did make a commitment to him however...and while I'm not one for staying where one is abjectly miserable, are you SURE there's nothing left for him? If he were to meet someone else tomorrow and start a relationship, how would you feel?


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Understand the mixed emotions here...but wondered if you considered the cost of divorce vs. counseling? Also, do you remember how you first felt when you met your husband? (Probably, a good feeling..similar to what you are feeling now) This is where I would question the security of another man making you feel good. Will it last, it didn't in your marriage (once he hurt your feelings). 

A counselor would most likely tell you to continue to do things for yourself, like attend a gym, seek a support group, but they will ask you to work on and communicate with your husband. 

Personally, I don't think your husband is cheating but he does have an addiction to porn that needs to be addressed. 

Most likely guilt feelings drew you here and yes there are alot of people on here that have no problem telling you like it is but when it comes down to it we all don't live your life or we all won't suffer any consequences for the choices you make only you will. So, I wouldn't make any decisions until I made them on my own not because I knew someone was into me and wanted me (other than my husband). This choice needs to be something you wanted (divorce) before you met the other guy.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Superwoman,

If you wish to work on your marriage, this forum will be a great source of information and encouragement.

However, if you wish to get applause for having an affair, you will mostly be disappointed.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

superwoman said:


> Counseling is not so easy, as you have to have money to go to counseling. That is the reason I came here to get some feedback about my situation. I would have went to counseling first before coming here if I could. Counseling is the easy answer for everything.


You were not wrong to come here seeking insight. You should still come here seeking it. You need it.

An example is the comment I quoted above. 

You can afford to go to a gym but not to go to a marriage counselor?

It's a matter of priorities. You can jog for free or do pushups in your livingroom while you gain self awareness and attempt to repair your marriage with the aid of a professional.

Not all counseling is prohibitively expensive.

Cancel the cell phone, stop the gym membership, eat at home, walk more to save on gas money and get exercise.

You're in a mode of "won't", not "can't."


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