# Wife's Contribution



## unreal

Hi,

I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust. 

Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


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## FirstYearDown

I don't contribute very much at all. This is _only _because there is a huge income difference. However, before I met my husband I lived alone and took care of myself. I have always worked and I intend to continue earning my own money. Despite the fact that I am returning to school part time (to increase my earning potential), I still plan on working while I obtain more credentials. Something can happen to my husband or the marriage. 

My husband does the best that he can for us. I will admit that in the past, I was very bitter about what he could provide in relation to other husbands. This was because we could not afford the wedding we wanted, nor will we be able to buy a home for at least 5-8 years. 

I realized that the recession was very hard on us-he was the only husband in my circle and acquaintances that lost his job-right after he proposed to me. We were very unlucky, but things are much better financially now. He has received a raise and we were able to buy a new car. :smthumbup:

I think that some traditional things never change-most men are the breadwinners, even though women can obtain careers for themselves. After all, you will never see a female lawyer marrying a man that works at Mickey D's. I'm sure some angry feminist is going to bristle at my words, but they cannot argue with statistics. Men still make more money than women and that is why they are seen as the providers. 

You are only looking at financial contributions. What I give my husband emotionally is priceless.


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## that_girl

My husband pays mortgage, car insurance, pet insurance, phones and his credit cards/gas/lunches.

I pay daycare (which is unreal...holy crap), utilities, my car, all the food, stuff for the kids and little things here and there.

It works out well. We both contribute and both treat each other to nights out


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## Hope1964

Who says men are the breadwinners?? That's old school thinking. I make slightly more than my husband does, we are both 'breadwinners'. We each have certain things we pay for, we work together to make ends meet and ensure we have savings and entertainment money. He doesn't do it alone.


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## pidge70

I made way more than my EXH. Then again, he didn't work. Still doesn't. My SO now makes probably 2 amd half times what I make. We have a joint account and everything is paid out of that. We don't keep track who pays what. We are equal partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mc75

> We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.


In my opinion this has not been true for at least 40 years (since the 1970s) nor for most of humanity (where men and women each had work roles to support the family, village, or whatever.) A couple with one income will find it hard to pay for things, have a good life, and have savings. Women today can make as much as men, are more likely to graduate college and more likely to be employed. I went to college in the 1990s and could hardly think of a woman who didn't intend to have a career, except for a handful of "pre-wed" majors ... of course when there are kids at home, not yet in school, things are different. And I'm not saying both partners should work full-time, in fact I personally would not want that. With only one income, its always a financial struggle, but with two full-time jobs, it would seem always a struggle for time to live ...


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## that_girl

And contribution comes in things other than money.

Taking care of kids, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands, organizing finances...if this is what a woman does, she contributes GREATLY.


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## donewithit

my husband makes alot more money than me.

I am a part time waitress. I work in a diner type establishment about 20 hrs a week. my pay goes direct to our bank account and is minimal to say the least...

my husband is a millwright and makes fantastic money....he never complains about my meager earnings and he understands that now that our kids are grown, I NEED to do SOMETHING. 

If he were to lose his job,, I would return to full time work immediately and think NO LESS of him.

As it stands..he pays for everything,,except groceries and any dinners out ect,,that all comes from my tip money.

I appreciate so much that he wants to be the breadwinner,,BUT if he needed more help I would step up to the plate in a heartbeat.

As I am the one doing the budget and all banking..I know where we stand financially and if i thought for one minute we needed more i would return to full time work..however if i were to work more at this point...we would just have to pay more taxes.

works well for us...he never has to pack his lunch, make his dinner..do housework ect


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## Idid

I do not contribute financially to our marriage. I did until our daughter was born and then I left my career to raise her (I worked over 50 hours a week). I couldn't bear to put her in daycare at 12 weeks old. My husband earns a very good living, although we did have to make some changes/sacrifices to be able to afford it. I saved for an entire year before having the baby so that I would have some money of my own-we had separate accounts and still do. He gives me $200 a month and I make some extra money with a home business now that my daughter is old enough for pre-school. 
I don't spend any money on myself that is not my own. I don't get my hair done, go out with friends, and rarely buy new clothes because it makes me feel guilty to spend his money on frivolous things. I would never leave him if things got tough just because of money; any spouse that is responsible for the sole income of a family has a lot of weight on his/her shoulders, a lot of stress when things get tough! This is when they need their partners to be supportive the most! But would I put up with a spouse who was irresponsible and refused to do his best for his family? No way! If I have to go back to work at a full time job, I will.
I'm fortunate to have a capable husband that takes his responsibility for supporting us very seriously. As a person who has always been self-sufficient and hates to ask for help or rely on anyone, I've had to learn to learn to trust him but he's earned it by proving what a capable and responsible bread winner he is. I have complete faith in him, his ambition, and his career.
Doesn't mean we don't have our problems, I still feel guilty about not contributing, I still feel resentment for giving up control, and it kills me that I've given up my independence. I often feel inferior, dependent, powerless, guilty, lazy, kept, bored, suspicious, identity loss, useless, unappealing, alone, worthless, etc. I try not to dwell on those feelings and instead, be thankful that my husband has provided a great home for us. He works hard and smart, and I respect him for that!


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## unreal

wifeofhusband said:


> It's better to be poor and have the family happy and running well. My most valuable contribution in our relationship just happens to not be paid.


That's one of the best statements I have heard on this forum glad some people think this way. Some women or even guys put this on the not acceptable list that he/she cannot be poor or on a low income!




that_girl said:


> And contribution comes in things other than money.
> 
> Taking care of kids, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands, organizing finances...if this is what a woman does, she contributes GREATLY.


Roles are reversing as more stay at home Dads are doing this and woman are in the workplace apparantly. 



Idid said:


> I do not contribute financially to our marriage. I did until our daughter was born and then I left my career to raise her (I worked over 50 hours a week). I couldn't bear to put her in daycare at 12 weeks old. My husband earns a very good living, although we did have to make some changes/sacrifices to be able to afford it. I saved for an entire year before having the baby so that I would have some money of my own-we had separate accounts and still do. He gives me $200 a month and I make some extra money with a home business now that my daughter is old enough for pre-school.
> I don't spend any money on myself that is not my own. I don't get my hair done, go out with friends, and rarely buy new clothes because it makes me feel guilty to spend his money on frivolous things. I would never leave him if things got tough just because of money; any spouse that is responsible for the sole income of a family has a lot of weight on his/her shoulders, a lot of stress when things get tough! This is when they need their partners to be supportive the most! But would I put up with a spouse who was irresponsible and refused to do his best for his family? No way! If I have to go back to work at a full time job, I will.
> I'm fortunate to have a capable husband that takes his responsibility for supporting us very seriously. As a person who has always been self-sufficient and hates to ask for help or rely on anyone, I've had to learn to learn to trust him but he's earned it by proving what a capable and responsible bread winner he is. I have complete faith in him, his ambition, and his career.
> Doesn't mean we don't have our problems, I still feel guilty about not contributing, I still feel resentment for giving up control, and it kills me that I've given up my independence. I often feel inferior, dependent, powerless, guilty, lazy, kept, bored, suspicious, identity loss, useless, unappealing, alone, worthless, etc. I try not to dwell on those feelings and instead, be thankful that my husband has provided a great home for us. He works hard and smart, and I respect him for that!


I can never understand why women wouldn't help their hubbie to work and earn to make their hours less and have more time with each other.


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## moonangel

I'm a SAHM but I contribute equally.


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## that_girl

"Roles are reversing as more stay at home Dads are doing this and woman are in the workplace apparantly."

Right, but I was just saying IF a woman does that...


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## FirstYearDown

mc75 said:


> In my opinion this has not been true for at least 40 years (since the 1970s) nor for most of humanity (where men and women each had work roles to support the family, village, or whatever.) A couple with one income will find it hard to pay for things, have a good life, and have savings. Women today can make as much as men, are more likely to graduate college and more likely to be employed. I went to college in the 1990s and could hardly think of a woman who didn't intend to have a career, except for a handful of "pre-wed" majors ... of course when there are kids at home, not yet in school, things are different. And I'm not saying both partners should work full-time, in fact I personally would not want that. With only one income, its always a financial struggle, but with two full-time jobs, it would seem always a struggle for time to live ...


Your opinion is not a fact:
GAO Report: Why Women Still Make Less than Men


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## FirstYearDown

Hope1964 said:


> Who says men are the breadwinners?? That's old school thinking. I make slightly more than my husband does, we are both 'breadwinners'. We each have certain things we pay for, we work together to make ends meet and ensure we have savings and entertainment money. He doesn't do it alone.


I said that *most *men are still the breadwinners, not all. 
Some "old style" things never change, no matter how much we may want them to.
I'm willing to bet that most men on TAM, are the ones that bring home the majority of the income.


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## Pluto2

My H hasn't worked in two years. He also doesn't help around the home, help with kids, or do much of anything. So take you 19th century views of marriage and .............


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## FrankKissel

My wife and I both work full time and earn comprable salaries. We also split household and child rearing duties fairly equally, though differently (i.e. she cooks and cleans inside more than I, but I do all the laundry, ironing and maintain our property). I get the kids ready for and to school every morning, she takes care of them after school and until I get home, which is usually

For us, at least, it works better that way than having one responsible for earning the money and another resonsible for the "domestic" duties. We're equal partners in every facet of our marriage/family.

Perhaps it's just me, but I find the "old school" notion that a guy has to go earn the money and his wife has to stay at home and raise the kids to be antiquated and unfair to both spouses. Or at least it would be for us. But whatever works for you is what you should do.


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## DisappointedHusband

Well, for my wife and I, this very question has ended us in a very bad spot. We have 8 years together and the first 6 years we did not have kids and I have always been the breadwinner, not that I didn't encourage her to be ambitious and get out there get that dream job or start that dream business. 

From my prospective, even being the breadwinner, doesn't mean you are contributing the most to the family and for me personally I could be making millions/year and still not be contributing enough to the family in the *eyes* of my wife. 

This is to say, money takes care of the bills and pays for amenities, but in my house, you better believe that as soon as I get off of work, I too have an equal role in the chores and upbringing of the little ones. Spending time with my girls and eating dinner and reading them to sleep is the highlight of my day, but the other household chores that I must endure, I must say I could do without. 

If I sit for 30 mins to watch a football game or television show to "relax," the wife is not having that and gives me the iron, lol. She says multitasking, I say multitask your ass out there and get a job, lol. 

Funny, but in all seriousness, the breadwinner (often the male) does have a huge weight to burden, but for me I welcome it, that is the role that I see myself full-filling, but I'm not old fashion by any means. I welcome or even challenge my wife to contribute equally financially (at least in the proximity), because from my perspective, I contribute at least 40% of the household/daily chores/child rearing and her financial contribution would be around 20% with a 60% in house, which comes to 80% in comparison to my 40% + 80%, so who's in this relationship 100%:scratchhead:?????

Yeah I'm a bit bitter!!!:

Yeah wives (some) do the math


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## wickederthanyou

My H works full time and makes @ 6 times my salary. I work 50+ hours/week, sometimes working 2 weeks straight without a day off. 

I do the shopping, all the cooking, pay the bills, do the laundry, and up until last month, when I hired someone to come in a couple times monthly, I did all the cleaning, too. His 2 teenage children live with us full time. I try to get a little help from them, but that's another story.

My husband cuts the grass in summer and plows snow in winter, and then does as he pleases.

I recently (like this week) have asked him to start doing his own laundry and start paying the bills. I have so many things to do, I can do none of them well. 

Not all wives do math your way. Some of us do more.


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## FurryFluffy

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


I contribute to the household financial, even it;s not as much as he does. 
I make half of his income, work quite as much as he does [unfaiir!! but heck he has deeper pocket clienteles hahaha]. But i love what I do, and it's a luxury I enjoy wholeheartedly.

I do the house chores, and by agreement (he said that he doesn't want me to get too tired), we have a house cleaner coming 5 days a week. but I do still do the laundry, cooking, feed the dogs etc.

I guess he provides me more than enough, and I contribute my part in this house financial to cover some small-things-but-necessary and some of my girls' needs, even I never spend without his approval and vice versa.


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## EleGirl

When my husband worked we made about the same amount. All of our income went into our joint a account and all bills were paid from there. 

He was layed off a long time ago and had never found work again. I have become the sole income earner. 

I'm pretty pissed about it because I believe that he needs to be working.


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## mc75

FirstYearDown said:


> Your opinion is not a fact:
> GAO Report: Why Women Still Make Less than Men


Here the poster quotes a report that states women make 80 percent of what men make on average - quite a closing of the gap considering differences in career choices, etc. This seems fairly consistent with the notion that women tend to contribute financially today. Where I live most middle-income families have two incomes.

Unfortunately my wife's decision not to contribute financially has left us $4,000 in debt and with no savings ... it is certainly a source of stress ...


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## chattycathy

If you have kids, men should be the bread winners so women can raise the kids. 
Women should be capable of supporting the family should the man skip out or keal over.
But, someone has to raise the kids and ideally, its a parent and its the mom.


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## CantePe

Hope1964 said:


> Who says men are the breadwinners?? That's old school thinking. I make slightly more than my husband does, we are both 'breadwinners'. We each have certain things we pay for, we work together to make ends meet and ensure we have savings and entertainment money. He doesn't do it alone.


My thoughts exactly, considering I make more money than he does by a long shot. Although, we don't split bills or accounts, what is mine is his and vice versa.


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## CantePe

chattycathy said:


> If you have kids, men should be the bread winners so women can raise the kids.
> Women should be capable of supporting the family should the man skip out or keal over.
> But, someone has to raise the kids and ideally, its a parent and its the mom.


Uh NO. We split the parenting equally tyvm. He is quite capable of taking care of the kids as much as I can. I'm more likely to "keel over" before he does with my health issues (MS/Cardiac Patient/ now TN).

That's very old and archaic thinking.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband begged me to quit my job, so the kids would be raised at home. After much thought, I quit 1 year after our child was born. Since then I broke my neck and I'm disabled due to pain. I've was out of work too long to collect disability to pay for medical bills. I'm not sure if I would of returned to work now the kids are in full time school if I wasn't disabled. My husband would never expect me to work. If my husband ever gets laid off, I will have to fight for disability. Right now we make sacrfices and my husband has 2 part time jobs along with the full time job. We pay $2000 a month just in health insurance alone. I'm very blessed to have my husband and I do not take anything for granted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boto227

Your post is uplifting, Your philosophy of taking nothing for granted is one I wish my wife would espouse. What could be more motivating for a husband to have a wife that loves him and takes nothing for granted, how could a man not respond to devotion like that? 

Thank You:smthumbup:


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## DawnD

Hmm. my H has the job, and I get paid to go to school. All the money goes into one place, and the quicker I get my classes done the quicker I can get a good job with benefits! All our money goes into one account. I get paid well to go to school. If he were to lose his job, we would find a way together, I am all about sharing the burden!


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## blissbomb

I think my husband earns more than me but I paid out of my savings for our wedding, deposit on house, car, holidays, penisions and insurances (for past 6 years - I work in admin so average wages really). He pays for food. We share the mortgage and bills equally as well as night's out. It worries me as I have zero savings left now however I've always been insanely self sufficient and never agreed with women who expected men to pay - my husband and his mates even took to calling me the Banker at one point. Saying that though, I think I missed a trick as I never ever had a date where I didn't either pay or split it - mental note not to be so generous in next life!!


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## blissbomb

ps - forgot to say, there's no trust fund or wealthy parents. I legally seperated from them at 15 which is why I am probably the way I am!


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## EleGirl

DisappointedHusband said:


> Well, for my wife and I, this very question has ended us in a very bad spot. We have 8 years together and the first 6 years we did not have kids and I have always been the breadwinner, not that I didn't encourage her to be ambitious and get out there get that dream job or start that dream business.
> 
> From my prospective, even being the breadwinner, doesn't mean you are contributing the most to the family and for me personally I could be making millions/year and still not be contributing enough to the family in the *eyes* of my wife.
> 
> This is to say, money takes care of the bills and pays for amenities, but in my house, you better believe that as soon as I get off of work, I too have an equal role in the chores and upbringing of the little ones. Spending time with my girls and eating dinner and reading them to sleep is the highlight of my day, but the other household chores that I must endure, I must say I could do without.
> 
> If I sit for 30 mins to watch a football game or television show to "relax," the wife is not having that and gives me the iron, lol. She says multitasking, I say multitask your ass out there and get a job, lol.
> 
> Funny, but in all seriousness, the breadwinner (often the male) does have a huge weight to burden, but for me I welcome it, that is the role that I see myself full-filling, but I'm not old fashion by any means. I welcome or even challenge my wife to contribute equally financially (at least in the proximity), because from my perspective, I contribute at least 40% of the household/daily chores/child rearing and her financial contribution would be around 20% with a 60% in house, which comes to 80% in comparison to my 40% + 80%, so who's in this relationship 100%:scratchhead:?????
> 
> Yeah I'm a bit bitter!!!:
> 
> Yeah wives (some) do the math


IT would be interesting to see how your wife would do the math. 

HOw many hours a day is your wife taking care of kids, cleaning, cooking, etc?


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## DTO

I must say I am very impressed with the ladies on this thread. I too was stricken with a wife who chipped in the minimum to pay the bills and once my income rose sufficiently she stopped contributing altogether.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> IT would be interesting to see how your wife would do the math.
> 
> HOw many hours a day is your wife taking care of kids, cleaning, cooking, etc?


DH,

Rather than stew about it, you very simply need to bring this to your wife's attention.

There might be an unhealthy dynamic here where your wife provides for your children, you provide for both your wife and children, and nothing comes back to you. Is your wife working alongside you after you get home and both of you finish up together? Or, does she expect that her duty ends after you get home and she tunes out?


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## tennisstar

I think it's old-fashioned to think of men as the primary breadwinners. In my household, I make more money. I would never consider not working, as we would not be able to pay the bills on my husband's salary only.

I think women cannot have the expectation that men pay all the bills in today's world. It is expensive to live these days, especially with children. How any woman can sit back and complain about money and not help her husband, I don't understand. 

I do understand that some women are taking care of young children and it may be too expensive to utilize daycare. Believe me, I was there years ago. But if not, why a woman wouldn't get a job and help out is beyond me? Must be spoiled or else have no confidence in oneself to get a job.


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## FourtyPlus

In the past, my husband was the breadwinner and I stayed home with our daugther. Times have changed and I have been the main breadwinner for the past 2.5 years. We are both self employed and our jobs are commission based. I sort of branched out and found a niche that affords me bi-weekly paychecks. It's not my money, it's OUR money, always. It doesn't bother me and I don't think it bothers him. We are in this together, we fell in the recession hole together and now we are digging ourselves out of it together. There is no "my money" vs. "your money". If he wants to spend money on himself, he'll tell me. If I want to spend money on myself, I'll tell him.


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## FourtyPlus

Because of the way the economy is right now, I'm the breadwinner and have been for a while. My husband was the breadwinner in the past. All money that either of us bring home is our money and goes into one single checking and savings account with both our names on it. It doesn't matter to me who earns the money, it's always OUR money.


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## anotherguy

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


OK, you asked for ladies views, but Im going to chime in. I think the first sentence here - 'ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills' is a terribly broken idea. Household expenses belong to the household and everyone in it. The concepts of 'yours' and 'mine', I believe is 100% counterproductive. At least in marriage...living together: totally different story.

We had seperate checking accounts when we were living together.. for about 5 years. Once we got married it took a year or so to do away with that - I mean it seems like you are giving away your independence a little (I think my wife felt that especially), but eventually we realized there was no point to it at all. Once you are 100% comfortable in the relationship and realize that neither is going anywhere and that it is really forever - it becomes a silly point. I think his and hers finances is the result of fear and insecurity. Both of us trust each other 100% with everything money related.

Yeah I make much much more than my wife does, I dont think we could make it if I lost my job or couldnt find work... but Im also sure that she wouldn't 'leave' if that happened. Is that naive? We would find a way. Somehow, we've managed for 25 years.


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## Pops

In my case I provide 100% of the income, do most of the laundry, do most of the yard work, dishes, cooking, general housework. My 'wife' does not work, makes no effort to work, and does not contribute to the household in any other way. She has considerable debt. She watches TV and plays on the computer for the bulk of the day. She expects me to keep cash in her pocket, pay for her exotic pets including vet bills, pay for her manicures and pedicures, as well as her cigarettes. She used to at least take care of my 'physical' needs, but has stopped that too. I'm told by people fomr the outtside looing in that I am a victim of emotional abuse, but I don't want to get into that. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## TheStranger

Pops said:


> My 'wife'


You didn't mention kids. If you haven't got any with her then leave. Your post is full of contempt. Run!


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## turnera

Pops said:


> In my case I provide 100% of the income, do most of the laundry, do most of the yard work, dishes, cooking, general housework. My 'wife' does not work, makes no effort to work, and does not contribute to the household in any other way. She has considerable debt. She watches TV and plays on the computer for the bulk of the day. She expects me to keep cash in her pocket, pay for her exotic pets including vet bills, pay for her manicures and pedicures, as well as her cigarettes. She used to at least take care of my 'physical' needs, but has stopped that too. I'm told by people fomr the outtside looing in that I am a victim of emotional abuse, but I don't want to get into that. Any advice would be appreciated.


 You should start your own thread. This is a year old.

And what you should do is STOP IT. Stop giving her money. What are you afraid of?


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## eldubya

Well this is a bit unusual...but I was the breadwinner AND the homemaker in our house. Hubby spent all "his" money on his toys for himself, hardly helped around the house, and complained about how unhappy he was. He was always trying to figure out how to get out of work and spend more time on his fun...and spent like there was no tomorrow. I had to take on more work and responsibility on my job to handle all this. At the end he was the one demanding divorce after he almost burnt the house down with his hobby work.. Guess who was paying the mortgage and who would have had to clean up the mess had it gone ablaze.
In the divorce settlement guess who had to give up all her liquid assets and half her retirement? And guess who is still working two jobs to survive and who is having the time of their life spending the settlement on their extended holiday which they feel entitled to?
Watch out for a spouse of any gender who has an enormous sense of entitlement. Also be careful if you are a caring person who wants to help someone in need and has an easy time buying into someones sob stories.


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## MeditMike80

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


My wife and I have our checks go into a shared account and pay the bills that way. 

Even though I'm a student I work more hours than she does and earn a little bit more than she does. I've never looked at it as my contribution or her contribution. It's OUR contribution.

When I went back to school I didn't work for about a year and a half, she never once got upset with me about having to be the breadwinner for those months, nor would I ever get upset with her if the situation was reversed. 

Many people go in thinking they understand the idea that marriage is a team effort, but very few are willing to live it.


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## Wiltshireman

Firstly let me say that my wife has ALWAYS contributed to the running of our home even when she was not going out to paid work. Looking after the home and looking after the needs of the children are important jobs in their own right. 

My wife and I started our family very quickly once we married (she fell pregnant within a fortnight) so we soon went from two of us with two wages to three of us with only one wage. We had another child quickly (14 months apart) and when we looked at the cost of childcare and compared it to what my wife would take home after tax it was not enough to make it worthwhile. We got along on just my money but this did mean me pulling extra shifts / more time working away. By the time our third child arrived I was working 70 – 80 hours a week and would sometimes have to spend weeks away at a time.

It was at this point in our lives / marriage that we had our troubles, we had disconnected from each other and it took a lot for us to realize we had to change. My wife took the courses she needed to become a registered child care provider and now runs that part time (20-25 hours) from home. This income has allowed me to cut out the overseas work and reduce my hours to about 50 a week. We are all much happier now.

IMHO its does not matter who earns what as long as between you there is enough to support your family and the total workload (earning / caring) is shared fairly between you.


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## LetDownNTX

My husband and I both work. He works outside of the home and makes double what I make but I work at home and do all the SAHM duties as well. I'd say that I contribute just as much. He probably doesnt see it that way but who asked him? LOL


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## DTO

FirstYearDown said:


> Your opinion is not a fact:
> GAO Report: Why Women Still Make Less than Men


I think you're reading this report the wrong way. It says clearly that women make less because they have less work experience and leave the workforce for extended periods (which translates to gaps in the resume). If a guy has these issues (like will all these layoffs) he will face the same issues.

A dedicated career woman who puts in the same sustained effort as a man can certainly be as financially successful as a man. That women choose to deprioritize careers when kids are in the picture does not make that statement untrue. It simply reflects the consequences of a personal choice.


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## DTO

LetDownNTX said:


> My husband and I both work. He works outside of the home and makes double what I make but I work at home and do all the SAHM duties as well. I'd say that I contribute just as much. He probably doesnt see it that way but who asked him? LOL


I think there's nothing wrong with your arrangement as long as the money goes far enough and you put in the same total effort as he does.

From personal experience, where I ran into problems with my ex (she worked, but no OT, cake job, short commute) is that when I got home from a long work day she was sitting on the couch with a thrashed house, no dinner made, etc. As long as you're not doing that you should have no problem.


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## Wiltshireman

LetDownNTX said:


> My husband and I both work. He works outside of the home and makes double what I make but I work at home and do all the SAHM duties as well. I'd say that I contribute just as much. He probably doesnt see it that way but who asked him? LOL



Sounds like our house, it is hard when you have kids and you both work. 

We have just had a "catch up" weekend (get caught up on all the jobs around the house you have not had time / been able to do) so on Sunday afternoon my wife said "love if I get the girls to load the dinner stuff into the dishwasher and the boys to bring down the last of the laundry can you fix the pump on the washer whilst I get started on the ironing". "no problem pet" I replied. My wife response "Thanks once that is done can you take the boys to the park to run off some steam as there is no way I can get the floors mopped with Ben (our 2 year old) hanging onto my leg". "do you want me to take the girls as well" I asked, "No one has got an assignment to finish for Monday and the other has got to get ready for a party", "where and what time is that and who is doing the drop off / pick up?", " I know the drop of is at 5 so if you could be back from the park in time to do it that would be great well have to sort the rest out later".

As you can see none of the jobs were too big but there is no way we could have got them all done without everybody pulling together. In our house everyone (even the 2 year old) has jobs to do and we all appreciate the work that others do to help make the house run “sort of” smoothly.


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## hbgirl

I've always worked and tried to contribute to my family. He's the main breadwinner and I could never pay the bills alone. At the same time I've never expected him to do it all either.


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## damsel

Financially, I do not contribute much. My MIL does, she pays us rent since she and my lazy ass BIL live with us. My hubby is the breadwinner, pays mortgage, utilities, his car, his gas, his cell, his car insurance and some fun (eating out, movies, etc). I work a low income job, pay my cell, my car, my gas, my car insurance and sometimes some fun too.

I hate the fact that MIL lives with us (she just doesn't stop talking, kinda annoying but sometimes I love her lol), esp BIL (he really does nothing, he's 26.. will be 27 this year). But I can't really complain.. well I shouldn't.

At home, I try to do as much as I can (I suffer from depression, causing me fatigue and lots of things) and do clean up, laundry, dishes, organize things.. My husband really cares about me and doesn't want me to be too tired, he knows I work all day, not treated nicely at work sometimes, and my work is physical too.. so he's always like, "slow down, come sit with me". But I hate just to sit down and do nothing especially when the tv on with nothing that interests me, lol..

I am now 3 months pregnant and my husband becomes more and more caring.. really don't want me to do anything other than go to work, eat and sleep. Right now I am in my bedroom with dirty laundry on the floor ready to be put in washer (2 floors down). I am having heartburn and nausea, but I don't wanna push him to put it in washer, I'll do it myself happily if it gets too long. lol.

Okay I'll stop I'm just rambling here..


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## KI0159

Both hubby and I work full time as we don't have a family yet. H earns double than what I do, so he probably pays two thirds of the bills and I pay the rest. It's the opposite way for the household chores.

I feel very fortunate that we don't argue about money. We have joint accounts for bills and savings but still have our own personal accounts, this way we're not asking permission on spending.

I do worry what will happen if kids will come along. I hope that I can at least have a part time income as long as doing most of the running about for the kids.


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## Wiltshireman

KI0159 said:


> Both hubby and I work full time as we don't have a family yet. H earns double than what I do, so he probably pays two thirds of the bills and I pay the rest. It's the opposite way for the household chores.
> 
> I feel very fortunate that we don't argue about money. We have joint accounts for bills and savings but still have our own personal accounts, this way we're not asking permission on spending.
> 
> I do worry what will happen if kids will come along. I hope that I can at least have a part time income as long as doing most of the running about for the kids.



There is no doubt that having children is the most expensive thing I have ever done but it is also the most rewarding.

When as a family you go from two people on two wages to 3 people on one wage it is hard but with some preparation and thought the effect can be minimized. I think that by running joint finances you have already started to prepare for whatever your life together holds.

Just remember it does not matter who pays for what or who does what chores as long as you are both equality committed to making your relationship work. I have always earned more than my wife and since we have had children see has only had part time paid work as she carries out the bulk of the child care / household chores.


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## Woodchuck

Idid said:


> I do not contribute financially to our marriage. I did until our daughter was born and then I left my career to raise her (I worked over 50 hours a week). I couldn't bear to put her in daycare at 12 weeks old. My husband earns a very good living, although we did have to make some changes/sacrifices to be able to afford it. I saved for an entire year before having the baby so that I would have some money of my own-we had separate accounts and still do. He gives me $200 a month and I make some extra money with a home business now that my daughter is old enough for pre-school.
> I don't spend any money on myself that is not my own. I don't get my hair done, go out with friends, and rarely buy new clothes because it makes me feel guilty to spend his money on frivolous things. I would never leave him if things got tough just because of money; any spouse that is responsible for the sole income of a family has a lot of weight on his/her shoulders, a lot of stress when things get tough! This is when they need their partners to be supportive the most! But would I put up with a spouse who was irresponsible and refused to do his best for his family? No way! If I have to go back to work at a full time job, I will.
> I'm fortunate to have a capable husband that takes his responsibility for supporting us very seriously. As a person who has always been self-sufficient and hates to ask for help or rely on anyone, I've had to learn to learn to trust him but he's earned it by proving what a capable and responsible bread winner he is. I have complete faith in him, his ambition, and his career.
> Doesn't mean we don't have our problems, I still feel guilty about not contributing, I still feel resentment for giving up control, and it kills me that I've given up my independence. I often feel inferior, dependent, powerless, guilty, lazy, kept, bored, suspicious, identity loss, useless, unappealing, alone, worthless, etc. I try not to dwell on those feelings and instead, be thankful that my husband has provided a great home for us. He works hard and smart, and I respect him for that!


Oh foolish woman....My wife was a SAHM...For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage. My wife probably earned about 1 year of my pay during the entire marriage...I fed and clothed, and kept a roof over our heads, and now provided for a comfortable retirement.....She has managed the household, and the finances, and done an outstanding job....We are financially secure, have a comfortable home, several automobiles, an investment home, and a nice pleasure boat....

I could not have done this without her. She watched over our day to day expences with an eagle eye. I know she will get good value for every cent she spends, and can honestly say I have not even looked at a bank account book in years.....I trust her implicitly....As for spending, she is free to buy anything she desires. In fact I have to encourage her to spend more on herself....She likes clothes, and dresses really nicely, but often buys from thrift shops.....All this, and she is a beautiful loving and very sexy woman too. I thank God for finding her for me, as I am not nearly smart or lucky enough to get such a treasure on my own..... 

You are being a WIFE and your husband appreciates it. some day he will say the same things about you that I do about my wife...You have all the character my wife has, and I am certain you are an outstanding mother......

It is a real shame that our society has not given the title of WIFE the honor and appreciation it truly deserves. You are being a true partner in your marriage and are making a wonderful contribution in your partnership....Don't feel you are not contributing, and don't take away the pride your man feels for being a good provider...You are living in a good sharing stable relationship, and your daughter will benefit from it....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck

FourtyPlus said:


> In the past, my husband was the breadwinner and I stayed home with our daugther. Times have changed and I have been the main breadwinner for the past 2.5 years. We are both self employed and our jobs are commission based. I sort of branched out and found a niche that affords me bi-weekly paychecks. It's not my money, it's OUR money, always. It doesn't bother me and I don't think it bothers him. We are in this together, we fell in the recession hole together and now we are digging ourselves out of it together. There is no "my money" vs. "your money". If he wants to spend money on himself, he'll tell me. If I want to spend money on myself, I'll tell him.


You and your husband are in a true marriage. My wife and I have been together for 47 years, and the same holds true for us. It is wonderful to look back on a life where two people have shared and sacrificed together. 
The contribution My wife made as a SAHM was every bit as valuable as mine as breadwinner. It is a shame that the "your money, my money" relationships miss out on the teamwork and trust of an "our money" marriage....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck

In our marriage I earned all the money for the first 20 years. Then she got a part time sales job that earned about 20 percent of what I earned for the next 20 years...I worked for a total of about 45 years..

In the mean time, she did all the housework and child rearing. I did minimal yard work, and when the kids were old enough they did all the yard work..

I also maintained the cars, home etc....In a nutshell, my wife got up in the morning, got the kids off to school, cleaned house, did laundry, and cooked. When I got home dinner was ready, we ate, and my wife did the dishes.....

Then we watched TV, and went to bed, and had really good sex...(neither of us considered the sex work) Yes, every night for the first 20 years....I figured we worked an equal number of hours daily, since I worked a full 8 hours every day, plus driving time, and she could work an hour, take a break, work some more, shop a little, etc....She was on duty longer than I was, but actually worked about the same number of hours...

I went from an hourly factory worker to an engineer at a fortune 500 company, to a sought after designer and inventor...The money got good, and we are now comfortably retired....

I now do most of the yard work, grocery shopping, car care, and handle our investments, I also do most of the cooking My wife does the laundry, house work, and some cooking...I feel we have had a great marriage, and both of us contributed the whole 47 years....Just in different ways...And the sex is still great...


good luck
the woodchuck


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## Jamie.11

It is responsibility of both the partners to work together to lead a happy life, so IMHO it doesnt matter who runs the house, if both are working, husband and wife both should contribute.


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## bailingout

that_girl said:


> And contribution comes in things other than money.
> 
> Taking care of kids, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands, organizing finances...if this is what a woman does, she contributes GREATLY.


:lol:I do most of this and last year made almost as much money as H (some years I make more than him). But if you ask him, I don't do anything. :rofl:

Maybe I'll try to explain the value thing to him one of these days....ie: Take mopping the floors, to him it's so insignificant. When I went looking for the mop one time (he had taken it but didn't say anything), his response was "it made ya money didn't it"...and proceeded to tell me I could just stop what I was doing and go get another one. Hm. I wonder if he would see the value when I ask him if he would like to walk on floors that have only been mopped twice in 5 years.


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## Jane_Doe

I pay a quarter of all the bills, rent, savings, etc. since I earn a quarter of the income. I have almost completed the interview process for a full time position with more money and more hours, so I imagine my contribution will increase.

There have been times when I contributed technically nothing, since we were living on one income for almost a year, partly because I didn't have my green card for a while, partly because I was earning a pittance after that, and partly because we knew we'd have to survive on one income when we had a baby anyway, even though we weren't actively trying yet. But my income would go into its own account, and we'd either pile it towards a debt, treat ourselves, fix the car when it broke down those 4 months in a row, or something else. So I must have contributed something, even if just being a safety net for the main account. It's not like hubby was busting his hump and I was making out like a bandit.

And bailingout, crunchy floors is why God invented socks, right?


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## committed4ever

We put all our money in one pot and then get an allowance. H makes about 2 times as much as me with his new position. But I will soon be a SAHM, so H will be carrying the load for as long as we can swing it.


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## love2laugh

Right now I support our family. I wish my h would contribute financially to the household. He's been out of work for 2 years now and has been trying to get his dream career started. It's not going anywhere yet and I'm losing my mind. Since he's busy trying to get this thing started it's as if he has a job and very little time for anything else so I do a lot for the household and I'm drained.

If one person isn't working then their priority should be taking care of the family and household, next comes looking for a job, starting a new career...


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## bailingout

Jane_Doe said:


> And bailingout, crunchy floors is why God invented socks, right?


:lol: That's a good one but I kinda like them clean.  

It doesn't bother me that he doesnt mop, it's the *attitude* that he gives off when he says I don't do anything or that I can just stop what I'm doing and go get a new mop at that moment that sets me off. It's as if he's saying, moping the floors are worthless tasks and to expect me to stop what I am trying to accomplish at that time to replace what he took says that my time and what I do has no value.


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## DaddyLongShanks

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


A lot of woman can take this as bashing. There are many female breadwinners and also other working females who either are paying the bills and/or contribute strongly.

Whether this is the norm depends on who you are dealing with. Depending on the region it may be more normal for the man to carry the entire load, and don't mention it either.

The scenario that you described is not a good one, what if the shoe was on the other foot? I believe that even if it was the norm wherever you lived, why would someone ( man or woman ) deal with it, move to where that's not the norm.

I have been lucky in that most of my woman, will contribute their part and want to do it. But then again, I have been in the situation you describe, and after tasting the honey from a well intending contributor, who really wants to carry their load the other thing doesn't feel good at all!


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## turnera

love2laugh said:


> Right now I support our family. I wish my h would contribute financially to the household. He's been out of work for 2 years now and has been trying to get his dream career started. It's not going anywhere yet and I'm losing my mind. Since he's busy trying to get this thing started it's as if he has a job and very little time for anything else so I do a lot for the household and I'm drained.
> 
> If one person isn't working then their priority should be taking care of the family and household, next comes looking for a job, starting a new career...


 I hope you aren't giving him any money to spend on himself. All YOUR paycheck should be going to pay bills, start a college fund for the kids, and put in savings. You do have a savings account, right?


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## turnera

bailingout said:


> :lol: That's a good one but I kinda like them clean.
> 
> It doesn't bother me that he doesnt mop, it's the *attitude* that he gives off when he says I don't do anything or that I can just stop what I'm doing and go get a new mop at that moment that sets me off. It's as if he's saying, moping the floors are worthless tasks and to expect me to stop what I am trying to accomplish at that time to replace what he took says that my time and what I do has no value.


 What matters is what you then do. Hopefully, you don't cave and appease him.


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## turnera

Then you are harming yourself AND your family. Make it a direct deposit from your check so you don't have to physically do it - you'll start spending it instead. If you are dead broke, start with $10 a paycheck. Every year, increase it. You need an emergency fund so you don't respond to a tire blowout or some other emergency by using a credit card and paying MORE for the product after interest is added.


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## bailingout

turnera said:


> What matters is what you then do. Hopefully, you don't cave and appease him.


If you mean do I stop what I'm doing at the moment to run and replace what he took? No, I just skip it for the moment.


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## love2laugh

turnera said:


> I hope you aren't giving him any money to spend on himself. All YOUR paycheck should be going to pay bills, start a college fund for the kids, and put in savings. You do have a savings account, right?


Nope I'm not giving him an allowance but he will take money when he wants to. We have $1000 emergency fund and the rest goes to paying down cc debt.


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## turnera

Then you need to stop giving him access to the money. He has no RIGHT to take money that YOU earned and support the family with, if he hasn't worked in two years against YOUR wishes. Maybe you agreed to let him find his wings two years ago, but I highly doubt he said 'babe, I'm gonna quit work for 2 or 3 years, but you can cover it all, right?' and you agreed to that. He has broken an unspoken promise to support his family - he shouldn't be getting access to the bank account whenever he wants something, unless YOU agree for him to be a househusband and never work again.


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## latebloomer68

My husband is in the filmmaking industry. He is almost 50 and he has done OK in his field but not great. He has not received a check in over 13 months. This is typical for his industry.
My husband is wonderful to me. But I cannot go on forever this way and I made that clear to him. While he has no filmmaking contracts, I have asked him repeatedly to get a job. He doesn't want to because if something comes up in his field, he would have to leave the job. Am I being unreasonable?


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## turnera

Not at all. He can always quit a job. He can work at a temp agency. He can work at a 7-11; those people come and go all the time.


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## love2laugh

turnera said:


> Then you need to stop giving him access to the money. He has no RIGHT to take money that YOU earned and support the family with, if he hasn't worked in two years against YOUR wishes. Maybe you agreed to let him find his wings two years ago, but I highly doubt he said 'babe, I'm gonna quit work for 2 or 3 years, but you can cover it all, right?' and you agreed to that. He has broken an unspoken promise to support his family - he shouldn't be getting access to the bank account whenever he wants something, unless YOU agree for him to be a househusband and never work again.


I totally agree, he's broken an unspoken promise. At this point I feel he's taking advantage of me and being very selfish. We have a child to send to college one day and I don't want to work when I'm 80! He is perfectly capable of working a day job while getting his business going on the side, which is the safe and smart thing to do.


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## althea0212

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.



When we still don't have children, we both work and share with the household expenses. However, when I need to stay at home because of our children, he became the breadwinner and I contribute a little by doing freelance work whenever the children are at school. In some marriages, the person who earns less stays at home regardless of whether the person is the husband or the wife. The couple must make the decision and choose what is best for their children.


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## DaddyLongShanks

latebloomer68 said:


> My husband is in the filmmaking industry. He is almost 50 and he has done OK in his field but not great. He has not received a check in over 13 months. This is typical for his industry.
> My husband is wonderful to me. But I cannot go on forever this way and I made that clear to him. While he has no filmmaking contracts, I have asked him repeatedly to get a job. He doesn't want to because if something comes up in his field, he would have to leave the job. Am I being unreasonable?


It would be wise to take a job until he gets something in his field. Perhaps he can work a 2nd or 3rd shift so that he may use some of the day hours to look for work in his field.

Also being in this type of work he needs to save more and better. He can always quit the job when something better comes along.


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## turnera

love2laugh said:


> I totally agree, he's broken an unspoken promise. At this point I feel he's taking advantage of me and being very selfish. We have a child to send to college one day and I don't want to work when I'm 80! He is perfectly capable of working a day job while getting his business going on the side, which is the safe and smart thing to do.


Then move the money to an account he can't touch. Tell him if he needs something aside from the home and the food you provide, he can get a f'ing job.


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## TheQueen

I often feel inferior said:


> You seem to be able to balance how being a SAHM makes you feel in terms of being financially dependent and recognizing & appreciating the hard work your husband puts in to provide for your family.
> 
> I'd like to know though, when it comes to feeling lazy, dependent, guilty to spend his hard earned money, kept etc; do YOU just feel that way or does he ever say/do anything or have an underlying attitude of any sort that evokes those feelings?
> 
> I'm just curious to know because I would like to pause my career to be a SAHM when I have children some day. I'd like to know if I do feel like that, would it be natural & internal and I'd just have to 'deal' with it?


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## dream_weaver

My new partner & I are just at the stage now living together of putting our finances together....I don't earn anywhere near what he does as he is in a very high paying job but he is happy for me to be working & contributing what I can to the household.I know I can survive without him as I have done after separation but with having children I really cannot work fulltime as he's away working and the XH does not have the children very much, only when he can squeeze them in.

My partner's XW was not willing to try and gain employment when their children reached school age and at that time he was not in the job he is in today (he works away and she wouldn't let him take a job that took him away from the family even though it would have placed them in a good position financially albeit short term) so he is happy that I want to get away from the house and contribute what I can...it all adds up.


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## JohnA

@TheQueen

Good question. I strongly suggest using a marriage councilor to develop a road map. There will be a lot of bumps ahead. Having in depth discussions and role playing and "what ifs" will help smooth over these areas. You discussed your concerns what might he experience. Assume he is clueless in this matter ( he must likely is.). 

In the marriages I know that work well with a SAHP (person) the coupe had strong outline of a budget (with slack built in) and the SAHP took care of all the daily expenses including checking. My father might have written a dozen checks till my mother passed and his degree was in accounting. It was the SAHP that did the heavy research used for finiancial planning and developed a written and documented game plan.


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## Yeswecan

TheQueen said:


> You seem to be able to balance how being a SAHM makes you feel in terms of being financially dependent and recognizing & appreciating the hard work your husband puts in to provide for your family.
> 
> I'd like to know though, when it comes to feeling lazy, dependent, guilty to spend his hard earned money, kept etc; do YOU just feel that way or does he ever say/do anything or have an underlying attitude of any sort that evokes those feelings?
> 
> I'm just curious to know because I would like to pause my career to be a SAHM when I have children some day. I'd like to know if I do feel like that, would it be natural & internal and I'd just have to 'deal' with it?


I have been the breadwinner for 21 years. W a SAHM. Sometimes she feels like she never contributes. On the contrary, her contributions go a LONG way. Without her at home I could not do the things I do(workwise) to support the family. Further, my W is very conscientious of how money is spent at the grocery store. The house is not left to it's own devices with kids leaving lights on, doors open to heat the entire neighborhood and the refrigerator left open by the kids to cool the house. These are contributions that are priceless IMO. She does feel bad when spending money on herself. Not sure why. She has her own account and money is put there for spending on herself. Why not? I have spent some on myself and so should she.


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## BeautyBeast

In my past marriage I worked full time, making about 65% of my ex's income.
He paid rent, I paid utilities and daycare. We both were buying groceries, both providing for our daughter. Everyone paid his/her own car, insurance, credit cards, clothing etc., provided for kids from previous marriages.
I did all housework and all childcare, he mowed the lawn. Both shoveled snow. 
He always paid for nights out, but we both paid family vacations.

Ended up pretty bad. Ex felt used because his contribution into common expenses was bigger than mine (the rent was 3000/month while utilities just 800) and because I've never paid for nights out. My argument about my non-financial contribution was not accepted. 
Ex husband wanted "equal" partnership, where both contribute 50% into common bills and everyone pays his/her personal expenses. Both do housework and childcare. I rejected because ex was messy and did not do well with children. So I would end up doing all myself or barking at him for poor quality. Besides I find unfair splitting bills equally when incomes are not equal.

if I ever consider another marriage, it will certainly not be the "equal partnership". I will be contributing less financially and more non-financially. Otherwise I don't feel like a woman. 
That's my opinion, which I don't expect to be supported by everyone. 50/50 partnership is a roomate relationship to me, and I don't sleep with room mates.


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## citygirl4344

Well..men aren't always the bread winners
I make way more than my husband.
I contribute more based on what I make but we are contributing equally in terms is percentages.

We treat each other with dinners out etc which comes from our own pocket not our household budget. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## brooklynAnn

unreal said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am looking for ladies views on making financial contributions towards the household bills. We all know men are the breadwiners of the home however prices can rise and jobs and income can low or bust.
> 
> Do you either contribute to the household financial or blame your man for not providing or leave? Personally, from what I hear most women not all either blame him and do nothing and leave.


I don't contribute financially to our day to day living expenses. I am a SAHM, yea I will admit to being that thing. My H is the sole breadwinner for the last 14 years. 

My staying home enables him to do what he needs to do in order to earn more money for us. He does not have to worry about rushing home or taking time off to care for the kids. I have all the house stuff taken care of and the kids stuff.

I will never blame my man if I feel that he is not providing enough for us. If I feel that way and we were in a bad spot, I will get a job. I am an equal partner in this marriage and when the going gets tough, then, I would have to get going to find a job. I would not complain or blame him. He is doing the best he can.

If my H was a bum and not doing anything then, I would have a problem. But to complain about a hardworking man is low. 

My job is to encourage and uplift my H. Not to bring him down and minimize the work he does.


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## EleGirl

zombie thread. The OP has been gone for TAM for years. I'm locking the thread.


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