# Menage a Trois gone wrong....so wrong



## EbonyBreal

I am so embarrassed, but me and my husband had a threesome episode with someone and I hate I ever did it. Here's the situation: My husband is a music producer/songwriter/rapper and he has his own home studio. He talked me into having a threesome with one of his female rap artists about 2 years ago. I hesitated and made excuses not to do it for a long time because I did not understand why we had to and I felt like he just needed an excuse to have sex with someone else and have not feel guilty because I was involved. He tried to find someone for us to bring into our bedroom but they never worked out. Then, he started working on producing this girl's album and told me that she would be the one because she was not from here and she would keep it on the low. I told him that I didn't want to do it with someone I'd have to be around alot. He told me that he was producing this album and that would be it. Which did not happen. 
I felt so horrible, hurt and embarrassed of what I allowed to be going on in the instant that I saw him get on top of her and begin to have intercourse. So, I ran out of the room crying and he followed me and asked was I okay and I lied saying I was. He went back into the room instantly and finished what he started. I couldn't believe that he did that. I went back into the room and laid down facing away from them and silently cried. Then, he came over to me after a few minutes and finished having sex with me until he released. I feel that that night was the WORST day of my life. There is no other day worst. I have not been able to get the scene of him on her out of my mind. 
Since that night they have become very close in their friendship and claim that they don't like each other like that and that they have gotten forgiven for that night and everything's business. Well, the music industry is the worst business ever for a married couple to try to make it in. 
She is not from our town and don't have a lot of family here either except for her Aunt and Grandmother but she don't even fool with them because of some family drama that I don't even really know or care to know. She has 2 kids and her and the youngest child's father broke up last year so she has been trying to make as a single mother and is just a mess. 
He claims that he has to be there for her because she don't have nobody and she is in a custody battle with her baby's dad. 
I recently just lost it and said for her to not call here anymore and that she could not come to our house anymore because I am just sick of her. I don't want to lend my husband to help her out of every situation she is in in her life anymore. He is at the end of finishing up her next music project (1 and suppose to be the last of about 4 or 5 singles or mixtapes that they've done) but I don't want to see her or have anything to do with her. Since she can't call or come over he calls her everyday 2 and 3 or more times a day. He says they are working. When I try to ease drop on their conversation, they are talking about the music game and stuff. 
My problem is that she don't go nowhere or do nothing without going through him. She checks in to him on any and everything she do. 
I feel like I may have to divorce him because he says that music his life and she is apart of the music and keeps him motivated to do it. I can't be dedicated to motivating him I have our 3 kids to look after, I'm in school full time trying to get my Bachelor's degree in teaching, and working. I am so drained on a daily and all he does is talk to her on the phone and help her solve her problems. I want her to move around or else I'm gonna move around. I love him so much this July 18th is our 10 year anniversary but I will make 17 years that we've been together and I don't wanna throw it away but I can't stand their relationship. Can men and women be just friends? I need some help to sort this out....fast!


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## Maricha75

First, if you were uncomfortable with the idea in the first place, you shouldn't have let him talk you into doing it. Then, when it came to actually doing it, you should have said no, I can't do this..and that should have been the end of it. Then, since you didn't do that, you should have told him honestly that you were NOT alright. Obviously, hindsight 20/20. Have you had real discussions about this with him? I mean really getting your feelings out there about the whole situation? Honestly, music industry be damned. He needs to stop seeing/talking to this woman you invited into your bed, NOW! She does not need HIM to work with her...and if he is as good as you are implying, he does NOT need HER. Tell him honestly how you feel... if he wants to continue seeing this woman, you're gone. Honestly, I felt sick FOR you when reading your description of what happened. I couldn't have even gotten into the situation in the first place.

Seriously, if your marriage is going to work, he needs to get rid of this other woman. In my experience, men and women can't be "just friends" if there has been sex involved. Seriously, he should have just stopped with her when you ran out of the room.


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## EleGirl

Is your husband even making any money off the work he is doing with/for her?

You say that you have heard him on the phone with her. Do they text each other? Is he protective of his cell phone and does he keep it password protected?

Does he go places with her in the car where they are alone in the car?

He should end this relationship for the sole reason that it bothers you. You have every reason to feel as you do. Have you ever told him how traumatized you are about the 3-some?


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## that_girl

Get tested for STDs. God knows what she had...he didn't wash and penetrated you after her? Eesh.


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## pidge70

that_girl said:


> Get tested for STDs. God knows what she had...he didn't wash and penetrated you after her? Eesh.


IKR? We so need a vomit smiley on here!......


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i think he took that as a green light to start an affair with the girl.


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## that_girl

Yea. I just was so grossed out for the OP.

Husband starts banging some chick in front of her, she runs out crying, he feigns interest and concern, she lies and says she's ok, he goes back to bang chick and then finishes in wife?

Oh man  

OP! I know you wish you never consented to this, but do you think he would have cheated anyway? He seemed to really just want to do her.


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## that_girl

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think he took that as a green light to start an affair with the girl.


Ding ding ding!


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## EbonyBreal

To "that_girl", he wore a condom when he was with her. I have been to the doctor since then, no STDs. 

To "EleGirl", he did make money off of her. She paid for studio time and for original tracks. That's why I have to let him finish the album with her. She did pay for it already. We share a cell phone and he never texts. They don't go anywhere in the car alone but have in the past. He wouldn't go in the studio with her unless I was home and we use to have to go pick her up to pay bills and what not. A few times that I allowed him to take her home without me but he took some of the kids and her kids where with them too.

I have talked to him several times about the way I feel and he just apologizes and says to relax because they don't like each other that way. They just encourage each other in the music game and she has put it down for his label, more than anyone else. 

I really need him to help me raise our boys but I've decided to try to find a way to let him finish her album and then I will put my foot down that he has to release her from his music label and they have to break off their friendship or "whatever" they have and she must go on with her life without him in it or I want a divorce. It will hurt to go on without him, but I will if I have to. 

She says that she thought she was apart of the family, but I don't want her as apart of the family. I know that this whole situation is my fault because all I had to do was stand strong and continue to say no but I didn't. So, I feel that it is up to me to put my foot down and fix this and move on with or without him. He has said several times that if we was to divorce he wouldn't be with her but I don't know if that would be true. 

I just hope I can recover from this whole experience. I hope that I don't have to get a divorce just to heal.


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## that_girl

Demand he give the money back and work on your marriage.

Cheaters lie. His whole "relax" comments are just devaluing your feelings.

She thought she was part of the family?! How does a 3some make her part of the family? What did he tell her this was?


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## Maricha75

that_girl said:


> Demand he give the money back and work on your marriage.
> 
> Cheaters lie. His whole "relax" comments are just devaluing your feelings.
> 
> She thought she was part of the family?! How does a 3some make her part of the family? What did he tell her this was?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: This whole thing here. He is minimizing how YOU feel about it all. What is more important here? Money? Or your marriage? And you can ask him that way as well. And her thinking she was family... OMG! I'm curious what he said to that....


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## EbonyBreal

Well, in my pursuit of trying to just let this whole situation go and try to help her get on her feet after her baby daddy left, she didn't have a car, and needed to move out of their apartment into a house, I let her and her kids go along with us to the park and even on our spring break trip out of town. 

After the spring break trip, I had enough of the caring for her feelings and trying to be a blessing to her. We had helped find a car that she paid cash for and move into a house. Now, she should be on her own but every time something needed fixing, she'd call my husband and I got tired of her calling to tell him every time she went somewhere and when she got back. She said she was considered a local celebrity and it felt good having someone knowing your whereabouts in case something happened to her. It didn't make sense to me. My husband said it was a "crew" thing. He was suppose to look out for anyone on his music label and in his crew. 

We can't afford to give her the money back so I'm gonna have to let him finish her album but I'm done after that. I just don't wanna go through the fact that they'll be in the studio together for hours and her kids will have to be at my house at the same time since school is out and she don't have a babysitter.


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## that_girl

You can afford to lose your marriage? Because they aren't "just friends". They've effed. 

If he knows how you feel about this, he should tell her to go pound sand and eat the money. That's just my opinion though.

DO NOT BABYSIT HER KIDS while she flirts and go-knows-what with your husband.

You are NOT a doormat. Tell her no. If she's such a celebrity, someone else can watch her kids.


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## in my tree

EbonyBreal said:


> We can't afford to give her the money back so I'm gonna have to let him finish her album but I'm done after that. I just don't wanna go through the fact that they'll be in the studio together for hours and her kids will have to be at my house at the same time since school is out and she don't have a babysitter.


She has to find another babysitter. She can't afford it?? Too damn bad - that is NOT your problem. She is an adult (right?) and adults need to figure out their own problems. It sounds to me like she thinks that your husband is her husband and you're the nanny. Argh! Your whole story is making my blood pressure go up. I can't imagine what it is doing to you.


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## Complexity

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think he took that as a green light to start an affair with the girl.


It's more than likely their encounter with the threesome wasn't the last one. It takes a particularity heartless guy to go back and finish having sex with the girl while his girlfriend/wife is sobbing outside.


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## that_girl

The OP is not his gf, she's his WIFE.


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## Complexity

Oh wow, must've missed that. OP threesomes should never happen in marriage and your husband must've been planning this for a long time hence why he didn't stop when you became distraught with the whole experience.


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## Maricha75

EbonyBreal said:


> Well, in my pursuit of trying to just let this whole situation go and try to help her get on her feet after her baby daddy left, she didn't have a car, and needed to move out of their apartment into a house, I let her and her kids go along with us to the park and even on our spring break trip out of town.
> 
> After the spring break trip, I had enough of the caring for her feelings and trying to be a blessing to her. We had helped find a car that she paid cash for and move into a house. Now, she should be on her own but every time something needed fixing, she'd call my husband and I got tired of her calling to tell him every time she went somewhere and when she got back. She said she was considered a local celebrity and it felt good having someone knowing your whereabouts in case something happened to her. It didn't make sense to me. My husband said it was a "crew" thing. He was suppose to look out for anyone on his music label and in his crew.
> 
> We can't afford to give her the money back so I'm gonna have to let him finish her album but I'm done after that. *I just don't wanna go through the fact that they'll be in the studio together for hours and her kids will have to be at my house at the same time since school is out and she don't have a babysitter.*


Oh *HELL* no! Nu uh. No way. No how. Those kids are NOT your responsibility. She can look at day cares, local teens needing babysitting jobs, go to DCF and see if they know of anywhere/anyone who could watch the kids while she is working...there are so many possibilities to this...OMG! She is taking advantage of you in so many ways it's not even funny. Look, right now, you feel you need to put up with that...that... THING (and that's putting it nicely!) because of finances. I won't argue with you on that now. HOWEVER... you do NOT have to deal with HER KIDS! KEEP THEM THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! Not your kids, NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

See, another thing that is pissing me off in this situation...you agreed to go thru with a 3some on ONE CONDITION.... *THAT YOU NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WOMAN AFTERWARD*! Yea.... did you mention this to your husband???? UGH!


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## EbonyBreal

that_girl said:


> You can afford to lose your marriage? Because they aren't "just friends". They've effed.
> 
> If he knows how you feel about this, he should tell her to go pound sand and eat the money. That's just my opinion though.
> 
> DO NOT BABYSIT HER KIDS while she flirts and go-knows-what with your husband.
> 
> You are NOT a doormat. Tell her no. If she's such a celebrity, someone else can watch her kids.


Oh no, I never babysit her kids. They sit in my living room watching tv or playing games with my kids. I don't see after them. I just don't want to be starting a bunch of drama and I am able to come freely into the studio anytime I want to. Sitting in on a studio session is just so boring to me. I am just ready to be through with this situation, but I don't wanna lose my husband either.


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## EbonyBreal

Maricha75 said:


> Oh *HELL* no! Nu uh. No way. No how. Those kids are NOT your responsibility. She can look at day cares, local teens needing babysitting jobs, go to DCF and see if they know of anywhere/anyone who could watch the kids while she is working...there are so many possibilities to this...OMG! She is taking advantage of you in so many ways it's not even funny. Look, right now, you feel you need to put up with that...that... THING (and that's putting it nicely!) because of finances. I won't argue with you on that now. HOWEVER... you do NOT have to deal with HER KIDS! KEEP THEM THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! Not your kids, NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
> 
> See, another thing that is pissing me off in this situation...you agreed to go thru with a 3some on ONE CONDITION.... *THAT YOU NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WOMAN AFTERWARD*! Yea.... did you mention this to your husband???? UGH!


I did and he doesn't say anything except that she has paid for his services and he's known as being 100 on everything he does. This girl can't hardly afford anything now that her baby daddy left, especially a babysitter. She don't have a job and her baby daddy is not hardly, if any, paying anything in child support. 

She is like a damsel in distress and he keeps throwing up in my face that I'm suppose to be one of God's people and help those in need since he swears that they are not doing anything. He knows that I am trying to do the the right thing at all costs and do what the Lord would want me to do. But, when is it enough. I've done soooo much for her and I don't think she should rely on MY husband for EVERYTHING. At some point she needs to help herself and rely on the Lord to see her through. 
I've told him this and he just says that we told each other we would be there for each other and that's what I'm doing. He says she wants to be friends with me but I want let her. I just don't feel comfortable around them sometimes. He is so controlling and she lets him. I just want to do the right thing.


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## Gaia

Your husband clearly doesn't give a rats arse if he loses you or not. After all.. he did just screw some other woman in front of you regardless of your feelings. Your giving him WAAAY to much credit... he used you, he used her and they are both using you. Just the fact that your allowing this other womans kids to stay in YOUR house... while they go out and do whatever they please... clearly you are a babysitter in their eyes. You don't want to start drama? Hunny.. they already started it with the threesome... How about you finish it and put your foot down. Divorce if you have to... there are real men out there who won't use and abuse you.. and actually CARE about your feelings... clearly this prick doesn't. I know you love your H and all... but imagine being a stranger and looking at this from an outside POV. Would you be telling the Betrayed and used wife NOT to leave? To just.... put up with it?


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## Maricha75

EbonyBreal said:


> Oh no, I never babysit her kids. They sit in my living room watching tv or playing games with my kids. I don't see after them. I just don't want to be starting a bunch of drama and I am able to come freely into the studio anytime I want to. Sitting in on a studio session is just so boring to me. I am just ready to be through with this situation, but I don't wanna lose my husband either.


Ebony, don't make things easy FOR HER. Don't let her kids come over, period. Parents with regular jobs take their kids to a babysitter. There is NO reason for her to bring the kids to YOUR house. You are making excuses for her. Stop it. 

Studio sessions may be boring, but who cares? Take a book in there or some other activity... game on cell phone, knit, crochet, cross stitch...SOMETHING that isn't boring. But sit in there anyway. Who cares if they think you are "checking up on them" (because you KNOW that is what will be brought up!). So what? Your house, you can go where you wish. Again, you are coming up with excuses to make things easier for them. Stop it.


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## EbonyBreal

in my tree said:


> She has to find another babysitter. She can't afford it?? Too damn bad - that is NOT your problem. She is an adult (right?) and adults need to figure out their own problems. It sounds to me like she thinks that your husband is her husband and you're the nanny. Argh! Your whole story is making my blood pressure go up. I can't imagine what it is doing to you.


She couldn't think that I am a nanny because I don't see after them. I just allow them to sit in my living room and watch tv until they are finished. They can't leave that part of the house.


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## Gaia

If she doesn't have a job... then exactly what do you call this music gig thing your H is going on about? The woman can get off her rear end and go work and mickey D's... or the local wal mart... it isn't that hard.


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## EbonyBreal

Gaia said:


> Your husband clearly doesn't give a rats arse if he loses you or not. After all.. he did just screw some other woman in front of you regardless of your feelings. Your giving him WAAAY to much credit... he used you, he used her and they are both using you. Just the fact that your allowing this other womans kids to stay in YOUR house... while they go out and do whatever they please... clearly you are a babysitter in their eyes. You don't want to start drama? Hunny.. they already started it with the threesome... How about you finish it and put your foot down. Divorce if you have to... there are real men out there who won't use and abuse you.. and actually CARE about your feelings... clearly this prick doesn't. I know you love your H and all... but imagine being a stranger and looking at this from an outside POV. Would you be telling the Betrayed and used wife NOT to leave? To just.... put up with it?


Leaving him would be a very BIG decision because we have 3 boys to think about. He's a good father and they love him so much. To break up my family will hurt sooo bad. I'm going to do something about it but, now is just not the right time. I am finishing up on my Bachelor's and can't work. I will graduate in December and will be able to get a full time job, hopefully, teaching. I just don't know if I can make it that long like this. I need him to provide for us while I can't and I don't want to push him to her either.


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## EbonyBreal

Gaia said:


> If she doesn't have a job... then exactly what do you call this music gig thing your H is going on about? The woman can get off her rear end and go work and mickey D's... or the local wal mart... it isn't that hard.


IDK, she claims she's working on her career and don't have a babysitter so she can't work right now. I don't think she wants to work either. He oldest son is autistic and gets disability so she lives off of that but it's barely enough to make it.


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## that_girl

Wow.

I don't think the Lord likes 3somes either...but...yea.

You deserve better. WAY better.


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## EbonyBreal

Maricha75 said:


> Ebony, don't make things easy FOR HER. Don't let her kids come over, period. Parents with regular jobs take their kids to a babysitter. There is NO reason for her to bring the kids to YOUR house. You are making excuses for her. Stop it.
> 
> Studio sessions may be boring, but who cares? Take a book in there or some other activity... game on cell phone, knit, crochet, cross stitch...SOMETHING that isn't boring. But sit in there anyway. Who cares if they think you are "checking up on them" (because you KNOW that is what will be brought up!). So what? Your house, you can go where you wish. Again, you are coming up with excuses to make things easier for them. Stop it.


That's real talk. I don't wanna be around her but I will come in very, very often and unexpected but I can't sit there the whole time. That's too uncomfortable for me and I don't wanna small talk with her. I use to sit in alot in the beginning. But, as I got so busy with school and doing homework myself, I just can't jeopardize my grades to look after them.


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## Gaia

EbonyBreal said:


> She is like a damsel in distress and he keeps throwing up in my face that I'm suppose to be one of God's people and help those in need since he swears that they are not doing anything. He knows that I am trying to do the the right thing at all costs and do what the Lord would want me to do. But, when is it enough. I've done soooo much for her and I don't think she should rely on MY husband for EVERYTHING. At some point she needs to help herself and rely on the Lord to see her through.
> I've told him this and he just says that we told each other we would be there for each other and that's what I'm doing. He says she wants to be friends with me but I want let her. I just don't feel comfortable around them sometimes. He is so controlling and she lets him. I just want to do the right thing.


HE is using this... GODS people.... as an excuse to cheat and have an affair. While your off in one part of the house.... I guarantee they are just laughing at you, mocking you, and high fiveing one another. They most likely see you as gullible and stupid. I am NOT saying you are.... but this is probably what they are doing behind your back. It is one thing to help someone in need but i can promise you.. that is NOT what your H is doing. He screwed this woman right in front of you... IN FRONT OF YOU... and no doubt he will most likely do it again. You deserve better then that.


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## EbonyBreal

that_girl said:


> Wow.
> 
> I don't think the Lord likes 3somes either...but...yea.
> 
> You deserve better. WAY better.


Oh, I KNOW the Lord doesn't like 3somes. I did this before I got saved and knew any better. I repented of that sin and got forgiveness, but I can't get over it because she is still in the picture.


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## Maricha75

EbonyBreal said:


> IDK, she claims she's working on her career and don't have a babysitter so she can't work right now. I don't think she wants to work either. He oldest son is autistic and gets disability so she lives off of that but it's barely enough to make it.


As I said above... she can get her rear end to DCF to see about getting assistance for child care. She HAS no excuse. She is using you and your hospitality.


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## Gaia

EbonyBreal said:


> Leaving him would be a very BIG decision because we have 3 boys to think about. He's a good father and they love him so much. To break up my family will hurt sooo bad. I'm going to do something about it but, now is just not the right time. I am finishing up on my Bachelor's and can't work. I will graduate in December and will be able to get a full time job, hopefully, teaching. I just don't know if I can make it that long like this. I need him to provide for us while I can't and I don't want to push him to her either.


Do NOT let kids be the reason you stay with this guy. Sure divorce may SEEM like it would have a terrible effect on the kids... but trust me... Staying and putting up with this bs would and most likely is effecting your boys in a much worse way. They see their poor mother tossed off to the side, watching someone elses kids that they don't know... all the while daddy is cheating... Those kids will most likely snap one day at seeing their mother suffer like this on a daily basis... then daddy will end up having to deal with their wrath.... or worse... they will think this behavior is perfectly acceptable and treat their own wives in this manner. I can promise you... if my H ever did this.. i would leave him in a heartbeat... and I have 2 kids... and one on the way. I wouldn't think twice about leaving his arse if he pulled this crap.


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## Gaia

She's using your H as a sugar daddy I'm betting.


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## EbonyBreal

Gaia said:


> HE is using this... GODS people.... as an excuse to cheat and have an affair. While your off in one part of the house.... I guarantee they are just laughing at you, mocking you, and high fiveing one another. They most likely see you as gullible and stupid. I am NOT saying you are.... but this is probably what they are doing behind your back. It is one thing to help someone in need but i can promise you.. that is NOT what your H is doing. He screwed this woman right in front of you... IN FRONT OF YOU... and no doubt he will most likely do it again. You deserve better then that.


I do believe that I deserve better and I'm gonna do something about it. I just need to be patient too, pray about it and let God help me out of this. If God helps me out of this I'm sure not have any regrets and will be happier no matter what. In the meanwhile, it's hard to swallow that I could be seen as stupid and gullible. If he's committing adultery, then God is sure to deal with both of them better than I can and in a way that I will win. 
I'm just trying to deal with the pain of them still having a friendship despite how I feel about her and he doesn't seem to care about my feelings. Or, I know, that's what it looks like.


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## Maricha75

EbonyBreal said:


> Oh, I KNOW the Lord doesn't like 3somes. I did this before I got saved and knew any better. I repented of that sin and got forgiveness, but I can't get over it because she is still in the picture.


Yep, you can't get over it because she is in the picture. Just like Sarah couldn't get past the fact that Abraham fathered Ishmael via Hagar because THEY were always around. Granted, no child came of your husband and this woman, but the same principle applies. She is there, always a reminder.



EbonyBreal said:


> I did and he doesn't say anything except that she has paid for his services and he's known as being 100 on everything he does. This girl can't hardly afford anything now that her baby daddy left, especially a babysitter. She don't have a job and her baby daddy is not hardly, if any, paying anything in child support.
> 
> She is like a damsel in distress and *he keeps throwing up in my face that I'm suppose to be one of God's people and help those in need* since he swears that they are not doing anything. He knows that I am trying to do the the right thing at all costs and *do what the Lord would want me to do.* But, when is it enough. I've done soooo much for her and I don't think she should rely on MY husband for EVERYTHING. At some point she needs to help herself and rely on the Lord to see her through.
> I've told him this and he just says that we told each other we would be there for each other and that's what I'm doing. He says she wants to be friends with me but I want let her. I just don't feel comfortable around them sometimes. He is so controlling and she lets him. I just want to do the right thing.


1. The Lord would want you to protect your marriage.
2. Regarding this woman, helping her in need is pointing her to DCF to get assistance if she qualifies. Pointing her to the temp agencies and such for a JOB. She doesn't work because she is living off her son's disability. She is in need because she CHOOSES to be in need!
3. Even God allowed for Abraham to send Hagar away at Sarah's insistence. Think about that.

You are not Sarah, to put up with Hagar.
You are not Leah, to put up with Rachel, Bilhah, and Zilpah.
You do not HAVE to put up with this woman. God does not expect you to.


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## Gaia

You know... I don't believe in the same god as you.. however.. I did once here a very good story that I think you may benefit from. It's about a man waiting for god to save him during a flood. As the water rose... a boat came by with a few people, they asked him if he wanted to come aboard. He said no... he was waiting for god to come save him. Well they left... and eventually the water got so high.. he had to sit upon his roof. Well he kept praying to god, asking him to save him. Moments later.. a helicopter came by, the guy flying it offered him a ride and once again... the man refused.. saying he was waiting for god to help him. WELL... after the helicopter flew off .. the man sat there praying and praying. Eventually he ended up drowning. Well when he got to heaven... he then asked god why he didn't save him... and gods response... "I sent you a boat and a helicopter.. and you refused both. What more could I have done?"


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## pidge70

So you got saved and now your H is using your beliefs against you? How noble of him. I don't really have anything useful to add to what
the others have said but, I will leave you with this......God helps those that help themselves.


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## Caribbean Man

Ebony,
You are in real trouble girl.
Your husband is a music producer, and we both know how that business goes.
I was involved in fashion.I worked with top designers in our region and helped produce shows,source models,scout new talents etc.
There was no end to the offers I got from beautiful young
[ misguided ] girls , who wanted to see their face on a billboard or on a magazine cover. They didn't care that I was happily married either. To them sex was a means to an end.
Things got sticky for me when a former Ms. Universe rep. with a lot of attitude started hitting on me while we worked on a project.
I got out of it because I knew my wife was extremely uncomfortable.
Your husband did the opposite. He manipulated you,and now you feel trapped and worthless. You need to confront him on that level and tell him exactly how you feel.
The OW is not really the problem,your husband is.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

EbonyBreal said:


> I've told him this and he just says that we told each other we would be there for each other and that's what I'm doing.


LOL
and when is he going to be there for you in all this mess he created?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

EbonyBreal said:


> I do believe that I deserve better and I'm gonna do something about it. I just need to be patient too, pray about it and let God help me out of this. If God helps me out of this I'm sure not have any regrets and will be happier no matter what.


god helps them who helps themselves, not them sitting around waiting.

*oh well, so this has already been said, but it cant be said enough.


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## arbitrator

Look under the term "morally bankrupt" in the dictionary! I think that you'll find your husbands picture boldly posted there!

Just another rich example of some self-justifying lout trying to validate everything all over a strange piece of tail!

Get checked for STD's pronto! And get the hell out of there! There are just a lot better "hands of cards" out there than what that sorry excuse of a husband is offering up to you!


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## Maricha75

Ebony, look. I am a Christian. I freely admit that to anyone. I am not perfect. I have done things I shouldn't have in my life. That's why I searched out this forum. My husband is also a Christian. He also has done things that would have brought him here, if he was so inclined. He knows I am on here. I told him he is free to read anything I post. He has declined. But it's open to him, and he is free to come on here if he wishes. My point is that even Christian charity can only go just so far. At some point, you need to walk away. 

Also, your husband really doesn't seem to show any true remorse for 1. bullying you into that situation. And, yes, he bullied you. He knew you didn't want to, but he kept pressuring you until you relented. 2. for keeping that woman around. He knew the agreement in the first place was no contact after that one time... yet, they continued seeing each other.

Ebony, his words say he cares... his ACTIONS say otherwise. You said his studio is in the house. There is NO ONE working with him who could take over this woman's project? Also, I reiterate: you can show your Christian charity by taking her to DCF and temp agencies to get help, and GET A JOB! No reason she couldn't still follow her dream in the music business... just not with your husband. Again, not telling you to she needs to go immediately, tho I think she does. I would go without the money, personally. No matter how much of a financial burden it placed on me. Getting her out of your lives is more important, IMO. But, that is your choice. 

Now, just remember, God doesn't give us what we WANT... He gives us what we NEED. I gave two Bible verses to another poster on here. I think you could use them as well. Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5,6. Sometimes God says "no" about what we want, because something better is on the horizon. I mean this in terms of not wanting to divorce. That very well may be the path you end up taking. If that is the case, you will get thru. I promise you.


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## Phenix70

EbonyBreal said:


> *My problem is that she don't go nowhere or do nothing without going through him. She checks in to him on any and everything she do. *I feel like I may have to divorce him because he says that music his life and she is apart of the music and keeps him motivated to do it. :


He sounds more like her pimp than her producer.
Ask yourself, WHY does she feel the need to check in with him?
He's not her husband, her BF, her brother or her father, but yet she takes the time to check in with him.
More to this situation than either of them is pretending.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Phenix70 said:


> He sounds more like her pimp than her producer.
> Ask yourself, WHY does she feel the need to check in with him?
> He's not her husband, her BF, her brother or her father, but yet she takes the time to check in with him.
> More to this situation than either of them is pretending.


thats a very real possibility.


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## CandieGirl

I can't believe that you did this to please him; he obviously doesn't give 2 sh!ts about you...you nailed it in your original post. He only involved you so that he could freely have sex with someone else...hey, what can you say about it after you've gone along with it? I feel sorry for you. I hope you can find the courage to divorce his a$$; he's not worth keeping, IMO.


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## EbonyBreal

Yea, I know, a lot of what you said made a lot of sense. That's why I won't confront her. I know that he is calling her and he is the one that can end all this. I will confront him when the time is right.


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## Gaia

EbonyBreal said:


> I will confront him when the time is right.


Do you know when this is? Or will you just keep telling yourself this... and putting it off?


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## EbonyBreal

I hear ya. It's just not easy ending a 17 year relationship with 3 kids that really love the fact that their parents are still together.


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## EbonyBreal

Nope, not really. I just have so much going on with the summer classes I'm taking and student teaching in the fall and no time to work and support myself right now. I do feel stuck!


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## Gaia

Have you thought about MC and IC???


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## EbonyBreal

Maricha75 said:


> Ebony, look. I am a Christian. I freely admit that to anyone. I am not perfect. I have done things I shouldn't have in my life. That's why I searched out this forum. My husband is also a Christian. He also has done things that would have brought him here, if he was so inclined. He knows I am on here. I told him he is free to read anything I post. He has declined. But it's open to him, and he is free to come on here if he wishes. My point is that even Christian charity can only go just so far. At some point, you need to walk away.
> 
> Also, your husband really doesn't seem to show any true remorse for 1. bullying you into that situation. And, yes, he bullied you. He knew you didn't want to, but he kept pressuring you until you relented. 2. for keeping that woman around. He knew the agreement in the first place was no contact after that one time... yet, they continued seeing each other.
> 
> Ebony, his words say he cares... his ACTIONS say otherwise. You said his studio is in the house. There is NO ONE working with him who could take over this woman's project? Also, I reiterate: you can show your Christian charity by taking her to DCF and temp agencies to get help, and GET A JOB! No reason she couldn't still follow her dream in the music business... just not with your husband. Again, not telling you to she needs to go immediately, tho I think she does. I would go without the money, personally. No matter how much of a financial burden it placed on me. Getting her out of your lives is more important, IMO. But, that is your choice.
> 
> Now, just remember, God doesn't give us what we WANT... He gives us what we NEED. I gave two Bible verses to another poster on here. I think you could use them as well. Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5,6. Sometimes God says "no" about what we want, because something better is on the horizon. I mean this in terms of not wanting to divorce. That very well may be the path you end up taking. If that is the case, you will get thru. I promise you.


You have encouraging words. I feel like I may have to get out I just think I need to take the time to consult my Father in Heaven before I just break up my family because I don't wanna be the type of wife that regrets leaving my husband and then wanting him back. I want to be 100% sure of my decision before I make it. I feel that God would show me a better sign as to whether I should divorce. I don't want to just go off my own emotions. I do believe that he hasn't sleep with her again because they are never alone long enough to have had sex. I am free to go into the studio with them and most of the time I do. He has always been true to me and has NEVER given me any reason to not trust him before this situation. We have been together 17years and I have never felt I couldn't trust him. I just don't know exactly what I would do right now. I have to think about the money because I have 3 boys, my education and career to think about, and plus I don't have any family here in Lufkin. I would definitely be on my own. I can handle that when I'm out of school and have a full time job where I can take care of my boys without him. Right now they come first, not me. God also said that he would not put more on his servants than they can bare. I consider myself dedicated to serving him and he will take care of me. I just have to be certain before I make any moves.


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## EbonyBreal

Gaia said:


> Have you thought about MC and IC???


What is MC and IC????


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## that_girl

Marriage and Independent counseling.

I suggest IC if you can wing it.

You realize, your husband set up the 3some so he could cheat with your permission and be free of 'guilt' because you allowed it.

Your situation makes me so sick. I'd love to kick his ass.


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## Maricha75

that_girl said:


> Marriage and Independent counseling.
> 
> I suggest IC if you can wing it.
> 
> You realize, your husband set up the 3some so he could cheat with your permission and be free of 'guilt' because you allowed it.
> 
> Your situation makes me so sick. *I'd love to kick his ass.*


Can you imagine all of us indignant women showing up and doing that to all these husbands??

And yes, for the men who are lurking... vice versa (well, maybe just similar!)

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## EbonyBreal

that_girl said:


> Marriage and Independent counseling.
> 
> I suggest IC if you can wing it.
> 
> You realize, your husband set up the 3some so he could cheat with your permission and be free of 'guilt' because you allowed it.
> 
> Your situation makes me so sick. I'd love to kick his ass.


I know right? I've wanted to a thousand times.


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## EbonyBreal

that_girl said:


> Marriage and Independent counseling.
> 
> I suggest IC if you can wing it.
> 
> You realize, your husband set up the 3some so he could cheat with your permission and be free of 'guilt' because you allowed it.
> 
> Your situation makes me so sick. I'd love to kick his ass.


I hadn't thought about any counseling.


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## Gaia

Am I the ONLY one here that WOULD kick my h's arse if he ever did shyt like this?


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## that_girl

EbonyBreal said:


> I hadn't thought about any counseling.


Hunny...Ima call you hunny because i am talking to you like a friend right now.

As a friend, I am crying for you. You are so meek and mild, he really has you under his thumb. Don't you see your self worth and beauty? Do you not understand the disgusting situation you are in? Out of weakness you agreed to this bullshet and out of weakness you allow him to devalue you and tell you to 'relax".

But i see a beautiful woman! A woman who bore THREE children. A woman who endured 3 pregnancies and 3 births for what...for this? HELL NO.

IC would help you understand why you stay with soemone who thinks so poorly of you. This man thinks you are weak and a doormat. Why? What demons do you possess that allow you to think this is ok? Daddy issues? believe me, I've worked thrhough mine which made me endure this type of crap for a long time (not with H).

Also, where is you voice? You say you are saved now, which is awesome...i applaud anyone who seeks out a spiritual path...but...the God I believe in wouldn't want you to suffer like this, UNLESS you plan to get out. There are two ways of looking at this.

1. turn the other cheek and work a plan.
2. tell him to eff off and work a plan.

i understand your struggle with being a follower of Jesus and doing the right thing, but damnit, as Jesus' child, STAND UP, and say this is NOT RIGHT. 

To be blunt, this man effed another woman in front of you. Not just infront of you, but in front of GOD and his Son. As a Christian, it is your duty, is it not, to tell a fellow believer that he is sinning...i was raised Christian.

Your husband is a first-class douchbag. Scum of scum, as judged by man. I don't know how God sees him, as I am only human, but for GOD SAKE, help yourslef and stand up and say NO MORE! Do what God would want.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

God bless.


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## that_girl

But you need some IC...from a minister or a therapist. becasue you are treated like crap and NO CHILD OF CHRIST should be treated like crap. Turn the other cheek is one thing....but your situation, what you got yourself into...needs some SERIOUS therapy.


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## that_girl

Gaia said:


> Am I the ONLY one here that WOULD kick my h's arse if he ever did shyt like this?


Hell no. I'd kick H's ass so hard he'd have to open his collar to take a crap.


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## Stumped2012

Oh hell hell hell noooooo.... I'm sorry, but he sounds like he thinks he can talk you into anything. I don't care how much she paid him, that relationship needs to end immediately. 

About the cell phone... I know men that have two cell phones. One with their wife and one with their girlfriend. Pleeeaaassseeeee... he is full of crap. 

That woman should be afraid of you, not asking you to babysit! OMG... If she is not afraid that you are going to kick her ass sideways and your husband is not afraid that you are going to poison him in his sleep if he doesn't drop that chick, then they are both taking advantage of you.

The other woman needs to be out of his life... period... before you get your feelings hurt.


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## arbitrator

Sorry for my unintended crudeness, but let's just say that with as much disdain that I possess for my STBXW, and for that matter, even for my ex, that on my worst day I would have never entertained bringing into our house a strange piece of stuff and then offering up such a flimsy excuse to either of them so I could tap it right there in their presence; and then for grins, to finish off the day by tapping them too.

Had that come to fruition, let's just say that I would have never lived long enough to be commenting about it here on TAM!

You can paint this story with any color that you may want, but in the end it still comes out with a rich hue of being "boldly sick!"


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## Caribbean Man

On the positive note,
It is good that you are pursuing a bachelor's degree and working.
It means that the power differential that now exist in the relationship can be reversed.
You love him and your family. You are educated and gainfully employed,and have a positive attitude. It's him that needs fixing.
Go to the Individual Counselling,and if he agrees,then marriage counselling. The most important thing is to make up you mind,so that when the time is right, you just open the door and " let the bullets rip."


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## Ansley

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think he took that as a green light to start an affair with the girl.


Yep yep.....or make himself feel better that he already had been with her


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## EbonyBreal

I want to thank everyone for their opinions and advice. I wanted some outside opinions and advice since I have NOONE to talk to about this situation because it has been kept between us 3. I ashamed of what I done and don't know how I'm gonna come back from this. But, I know I will. I need time to think out my decision and try to work it out with my husband. I know that first things first, she GOTS to go! So, that's where I'm gonna start and if that doesn't get solved then I know I need to get a divorce and move on.


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## Maricha75

EbonyBreal said:


> I want to thank everyone for their opinions and advice. I wanted some outside opinions and advice since I have NOONE to talk to about this situation because it has been kept between us 3. I ashamed of what I done and don't know how I'm gonna come back from this. But, I know I will. I need time to think out my decision and try to work it out with my husband. I know that first things first, she GOTS to go! So, that's where I'm gonna start and if that doesn't get solved then I know I need to get a divorce and move on.


Remember, you have us on here to vent to.


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## EbonyBreal

Maricha75 said:


> Remember, you have us on here to vent to.


Thanks, I'm so right now. I have to make an exit sooner than I thought.


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## EbonyBreal

that_girl said:


> Hunny...Ima call you hunny because i am talking to you like a friend right now.
> 
> As a friend, I am crying for you. You are so meek and mild, he really has you under his thumb. Don't you see your self worth and beauty? Do you not understand the disgusting situation you are in? Out of weakness you agreed to this bullshet and out of weakness you allow him to devalue you and tell you to 'relax".
> 
> But i see a beautiful woman! A woman who bore THREE children. A woman who endured 3 pregnancies and 3 births for what...for this? HELL NO.
> 
> IC would help you understand why you stay with soemone who thinks so poorly of you. This man thinks you are weak and a doormat. Why? What demons do you possess that allow you to think this is ok? Daddy issues? believe me, I've worked thrhough mine which made me endure this type of crap for a long time (not with H).
> 
> Also, where is you voice? You say you are saved now, which is awesome...i applaud anyone who seeks out a spiritual path...but...the God I believe in wouldn't want you to suffer like this, UNLESS you plan to get out. There are two ways of looking at this.
> 
> 1. turn the other cheek and work a plan.
> 2. tell him to eff off and work a plan.
> 
> i understand your struggle with being a follower of Jesus and doing the right thing, but damnit, as Jesus' child, STAND UP, and say this is NOT RIGHT.
> 
> To be blunt, this man effed another woman in front of you. Not just infront of you, but in front of GOD and his Son. As a Christian, it is your duty, is it not, to tell a fellow believer that he is sinning...i was raised Christian.
> 
> Your husband is a first-class douchbag. Scum of scum, as judged by man. I don't know how God sees him, as I am only human, but for GOD SAKE, help yourslef and stand up and say NO MORE! Do what God would want.
> 
> Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
> 
> God bless.


I've decided tonight as I lock him out of our room that I will be working out a plan to execute on.


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## Maricha75

What happened?


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## Caribbean Man

EbonyBreal said:


> I've decided tonight as I lock him out of our room that I will be working out a plan to execute on.


Now,that's what i'm talking about!!
I love it when a woman can stand firm against the tyranny of a man.
Make sure and fix your " inner self" so that when that door opens ,bullets must rrrrip out.....


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## YinPrincess

Ebony, I've read your painful post with tears in my eyes. I know how hard it is to leave; I know the feeling of wanting a better alternative than just walking away because I've been dealing with this with my own husband - and honestly, yours makes mine look like a saint!! You've already received such excellent advice here that I can't really elaborate on it, but I just wanted you to know that I care, and I feel so deeply for you. I am praying that you find the strength to do what needs to be done. He doesn't respect you, and chances are, he never will - at least not until you respect yourself!

((((HUGS))))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat

Oh, man. 
Some fantasies are best left as fantasies. 
uck. 

I'm so so so sorry.


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## toonewlywed

I need an update on what went on with this situation, ma. Like many of the other posters said, homeboy has taken complete advantage of you. I know how it feels to have a child with someone and not want to split up your family, especially you with 17 years under your belt, but don't let that be a reason for him to be able to do whatever he wants! Men know that we dread that happening and use it against us. My maybe-ex does it all the time--throws up the kids in every argument we have. Don't look at it like you're ending your marriage if you leave; look at it like you're giving him a chance to man up and put you where you need to be--FIRST!!

I'm just so angry as a Black woman to read this. We are supposed to be the queens of our households but our men treat us like crap. I know you have logistics to take into consideration here (3 kids, not working, in school), but please don't be no fool. Some way or another you will make it. We always do.

Stay strong mama!!


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## TomCat11

Your husband seems very insensitive. My experience with threesomes have not always been favorable but they can work if the ground-rules have been established. Once you ran out of the room, that should have been it. Good luck with this dude.


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## GusPolinski

TomCat11 said:


> Your husband seems very insensitive. My experience with threesomes have not always been favorable but they can work if the ground-rules have been established. Once you ran out of the room, that should have been it. Good luck with this dude.


3-year-old thread


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## Maricha75

GusPolinski said:


> 3-year-old thread


It is, but it's odd... I was wondering how @EbonyBreal has been doing, recently. Odd that this was brought to the top, now, no? Hopefully, she will be able to update.


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## YummyGirl

Hello hon,
I'm sure you've gotten a ton of advice by now, but here's my two cents.

1. You are his wife. If your spouse doesn't put you first (mine didn't), leave his ass. He won't change. 
2. Men and women cannot be friends until the 'sex' issue is out of the way. Meaning, either they have sex, one party is not attracted to the other and he/she accepts it (unlikely), or neither party is attracted to the other person. At All. The last option is ideal. That being said, two of my closest friends are men, and I had sex with both of them many years ago (relationship w/ one & one-night stand with the other)--long before I was ever married. I have no idea if they're still attracted to me, but the sex issue is out of the way and off the table.

From the film When Harry Met Sally

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.


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## the guy

She's gotten 3 yrs worth....LOL

I wonder how many chicks this "produce" has banged?

OP was smart to let go and move on...could you imagine after 3 yrs she still was talking about this crap her old man was doing?


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