# Can't Let Go



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

My wife cheated on me a year and a half ago. Our marriage mended and all is well but I still look at her sideways because I haven't fully got over it. I'm still boiling to find the guy to give him the worse beating he's ever experienced. I feel like that's the only way I'll be able to find peace and will have the satisfaction of teaching my wife not to ever take my kindness for weakness. Is it natural to feel that way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Dominant male, she was taken by another, now to re-establish yourself you feel that you have to remove the other male lion by beating his head in to teach the lioness that you're the king. So yes it's normal, just as long as you don't act out on it though.

And if you still haven't healed completely, might want to have a sit down with the wife and let her know and see if she can help you. Not a good thing to hold it all in until it explodes.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Keep in mind also that it was your wife that made and broke her promises to you. The other guy had no such commitment to you. Yes, he probably knew she was married and what he was doing was wrong, but he took what he could get. Lots of guys operate that way.

Next time you get all worked up about him, remember exactly who stood at the alter with you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm not a guy but I am just over a year and a half past D day#1 and I still have times where I look at my husband sideways and think, how the hell could he DO that to me?!?! Most of the time things are great, but once in a while I have to restrain myself from freaking at him.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Did the OM put a gun to your wife's head and make her cheat? Did the OM make wedding vows and promises to you? You anger is understandable but misplaced. It should be toward your wife.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

I felt the same way when my ex finally let me know. She did it by serving me the divorce papers, then telling me about the "affair" which turned out to be a whole series of them that took place over the previous twenty years. Had I managed to look up all of the guys who were rooting around in her, and addressed them in a physical way, I would have had to endure hand operations long before I felt with half of them.
In my situation, she left me an out by informing me that her children weren't fathered by me, so walking away from her was the best thing that ever happened to me.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Not saying you should act on this. But, exactly why is it you cannot locate this man? Has your wife withheld information? Clearly, she knows how to contact him.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Did the OM put a gun to your wife's head and make her cheat? Did the OM make wedding vows and promises to you? You anger is understandable but misplaced. It should be toward your wife.


trust and believe it's is towards her and not him. But I can't physically release my anger on her. Can't punch her out so that's where he comes in to feel the fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Legally, you cannot punch him out , either. In fact , unfortunately, you are stuck just sucking it up, unless you want serious consequences. It is not fair, is it?
Has your wife made restitution. One way I suggest her debt be quantified, is to determine the number of sexual encounters, multiply it by the going rate for a hooker in your locale, throw in any costs associated with the affair(yor babysitting, her expenses to conduct it, cost of counseling and meds for you, cost of future , periodic polygraphs and STD testing, etc)
Come up with a figure. Then, your wife takes a job or second job(so as not to let the cost have any effect on the family) and she pays you off. You and any kids(who she also cheated on) get to dowith it as you like(buy Harleys or whatever). She does not get to share in it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I want to go around and smack upside their head, every single unfaithful wife who had a good husband at home.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Not saying you should act on this. But, exactly why is it you cannot locate this man? Has your wife withheld information? Clearly, she knows how to contact him.


She ain't giving me his number. Telling me she was wrong and she sorry but he ain't worth me going to jail for.I have alot to lose so I been fighting it, but it's been boiling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Onedery said:


> I felt the same way when my ex finally let me know. She did it by serving me the divorce papers, then telling me about the "affair" which turned out to be a whole series of them that took place over the previous twenty years. Had I managed to look up all of the guys who were rooting around in her, and addressed them in a physical way, I would have had to endure hand operations long before I felt with half of them.
> In my situation, she left me an out by informing me that her children weren't fathered by me, so walking away from her was the best thing that ever happened to me.


Damn. I know murder crossed your mind. I told my wife I will knock her and the dude unconscious, piss on their face just to wake them up and knock them back out. Evil as it sound but my anger fumed at that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, that explains(partially) why you are still pissed at her. If you cannot determine his identity( I assume if you have it, it would be relatively easy to locate him), How the hell can you protect yourself against further intrusion by him? How can you contact his betrayed spouse if he has one? How can you determine whether you have been exposed to STDs without at least seeing what his lifestyle has been like? How would you know that the guy your wife is talking to at the drugstore is him? Etc, etc,etc.
Your wife is an idiot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until you can convince your self and your W that living with revenge is no way to live then you will never get closure that Arnold is speaking of.

In my case once I convincened my WW that I will not longer live the life of revenge and live a life worth living and promised that I would not hurt OM, I got the info I needed to protect my self from doing any more business with OM.

That was the thing with me, in my line of work guys get hurt all the time and having OM on my crew put me at risk. She still refused to tell me but once I convinced her that I had more to lose then gain by hurting him she told me.

I layed him off  

In order to get real closure here, your W needs to tell you, and then she can deal with the consequences in what happens. Also change your tune and make believe you are good and nothing will happen to OM you may get what you need. Then it will be up to you to do the smart thing.

Until your chick stops fearing what you will do to OM she will never tell so, stop showing her this anger, show her fogiveness and she might fess up! It worked for me.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

If you seek some healthy vindication, I would suggest you make her take polygraph. It will teach her not to mess around again.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

theone79 said:


> She ain't giving me his number. Telling me she was wrong and she sorry but he ain't worth me going to jail for.I have alot to lose so I been fighting it, but it's been boiling
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I were you, I would kick her to the curb. By with-holding his identity and contact info, she is showing that she has greater feelings for his safety than for your peace of mind. As long as she refuses, and is dishonest, the affair is still going on, and cannot be mended. This is a massive rejection and disresect for you. Dump her , she isnt worth it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Badblood said:


> If I were you, I would kick her to the curb. By with-holding his identity and contact info, she is showing that she has greater feelings for his safety than for your peace of mind. As long as she refuses, and is dishonest, the affair is still going on, and cannot be mended. This is a massive rejection and disresect for you. Dump her , she isnt worth it.



I agree.

You cant get closure without her disclosing the OM. I cant see how your marriage has mended, as you say, if you do not get closure.

How do you know she's still not cheating with the OM?

You'll need to protect yourself legally and financially from your (disloyal) wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your marriage has not healed as you stated.

You wife has not come fully honest with you and until she does, she is choosing her affair over you.

Until you have full disclosure and full honesty from her on any question, I do not see how you could stay married since marriages don't have secrets and lies at their heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

theone79 said:


> She ain't giving me his number. Telling me she was wrong and she sorry but he ain't worth me going to jail for.I have alot to lose so I been fighting it, but it's been boiling
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should invite her to move out if she doesn't give you her boyfriends name and location. 

You obviously shouldn't do anything to him that would get you in trouble, but you need to know who he is so he isn't hovering around your wife.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

You should consider getting some counselling. Not just marriage counselling, but individually. It might help you to better deal with this issue, and genuinely heal.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree with another post here....I believe it's the not knowing who the man is that may be driving you to want to kick his ***. I am a woman and I thought of kicking the OW's ***....but I knew that was not the way to go....I would go to jail...but then again maybe not because I live in such a small town she probably wouldn't have called the sherrif dept....and I thought of that also....but all in all giving a beat down isn't the answer....the other posts here point your anger in the right direction and that is at your wife.....she is the one who had the affair...she is the one who hurt you...she is the one who was the sl^t and [email protected]#e.....You may want to look into individual counceling and marriage counceling....My WH and I are doing this and although it's very hard...I am also trying to reconcile....I am waiting to see what happens....and yes I still want to kick some TROLL butt....and get angry.....but know that is not the way......


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

theone79 said:


> She ain't giving me his number. Telling me she was wrong and she sorry but he ain't worth me going to jail for.I have alot to lose so I been fighting it, but it's been boiling
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Then she's still protecting the OM over or from you! It's your choice, not hers! I suggest you make a choice to drop your wife's ass! Chances are, she's still screwing the OM!


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## giiyellow (Nov 29, 2011)

Not saying you should act on this. But, exactly why is it you cannot locate this man?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

baldmale said:


> Keep in mind also that it was your wife that made and broke her promises to you. The other guy had no such commitment to you. Yes, he probably knew she was married and what he was doing was wrong, but he took what he could get. Lots of guys operate that way.
> 
> Next time you get all worked up about him, remember exactly who stood at the alter with you.


This kind of thinking simply blows my mind. Oms need to feel the consequences of what they do. Just like every other perp.


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