# Cure for LD Wife



## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Surfing through the forum, this has been a recurring problem. 

A relationship starts. Both parties are excited about sex. After some time, the woman loses interest.

In some cases, the woman is not even interested from day one.

So sex becomes job – something you plan for. (The typical “once a month”, “2x a week” etc.). in most of these stories, it seems like the woman forces herself into it.

So in this post, I’d say what I know works. It may not work for everyone but I’ve seen it work for most couples. 

*One note of warning:* most of the things I will tell you may sound counter-intuitive but they work. 

So, shall we…?

There is one thing I’ve discovered about human sexuality: every (healthy) woman enjoys sex as much as (if not more than) men. But the way women enjoy it is radically different from men’s.

For example, what generally turns both genders on is radically different. Men are primarily turned on by what they see; women are generally turned on by what they hear and imagine.

The problem is that we think that what turns us on is what turns our partner on. But it’s not. That’s why over time, women lose interest. By extension makes them LD.

So below are tips for curing your woman’s LD…

I’ll divide it into 2 parts

1. Outside the bedroom
2. Inside the bedroom

Outside the bedroom
For women, love making starts *outside the bedroom*. It’s about those little actions that lead to build-up. And for women, sex is all about the build-up. It’s what gets them into the mood. 

So below are tips to get her into the mood.

i. *Tell.* Tell her what turns you on about her. Be specific. What pleasant behaviors does she possess? Tell her. 

In essence, complement her. And be honest about it. 

Do you like the way she rolls her hips when she walks? Tell her. Does her smile captivate you? Tell her. Do you like the way her eyes light up when she’s excited? Tell her. Or maybe, you appreciate how supportive she’s been to you. Tell her. And don’t forget to be specific about it.

As a man, you may want to show your appreciation by helping more around the house or by working harder, but that is secondary. Your woman needs to actually hear it from your lips to fully feel it. 

That’s pure female psychology.

ii. *Touch.* “Meaningful” touching is a huge turn on for most women. By meaningful, I mean touching that is NOT just touchy-feely: touch that is appropriate for the moment.

For example, if she says something that makes you laugh, you may gently push her by the shoulder while telling her how funny “that” sounds. You may slightly touch her in the arm – or thigh – to emphasize your point – or draw her attention. You may hold her hands while walking. You may put your hand on her hips while leading her to a direction. You may remove lint from her face. Just use your imagination. The list is endless.

iii. *Lead.* Be dominant… No. Not bossy. DOMINANT. That means being attentive and assertive at the same time. Make decisions for the family. Be clear on what you want. And that must come from the inside-out. That means, stop being an approval seeking make (i.e. if you are). No more Mr. nice guy (i.e. that husband who’s too nice). Most women need this to get turned on. They need to feel your inner strength.

In conclusion, a woman’s primary turn on is your character – and by extension, your mind-set.

Inside the Bedroom
Once you’re both in the mood and are in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex), your focus should change. It should be about giving and receiving pleasure. 

Below are tips to do that…

i. *Pay attention.* First to your body and next to hers.

While making love, you need to be present. Be in your body. Be aware of your feelings and emotions. As common sensical as it may sound, most guys don’t do that. They’re mostly in their head. While there, some wonder how long they can last. Some imagine the porn star performance the saw on the internet. Others are thinking techniques.

But all these are not necessary. You need to be present to enjoy the experience. 

Pay attention to her body. When you touch her, how does she react? Does she moan louder? Does she pull closer? Does she jerk? The point is, find what really turns her on. And when you do, keep stimulating it. That will get her there.

ii. *State. *State what you’re feeling. What is she doing that is turning you on? Tell her. In essence, engage in dirty talks. It drives women wild.

In conclusion, focus on giving and receiving pleasure. The point is, if she doesn’t enjoy it, why will she want to do it again?

Do you have a technique that has worked for you? Please share.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi Tony,

What great advice. :scratchhead: Unfortunately most people here subscribe to the PUA 16 Commandments of Poon and "adapt" it for long term marital relationships. As for me I do not play by any rules unless it is just for the fun of breaking them! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta (BS for short!)



*The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon
I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first*
Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

*II. Make her jealous*
Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

*III.You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority *
Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

*IV. Don’t play by her rules*
If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

*V. Adhere to the golden ratio*
Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

*VI. Keep her guessing*
True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

*VII. Always keep two in the kitty*
Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

*VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary*
Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

*IX. Connect with her emotions*
Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

*X. Ignore her beauty*
The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t ****ing. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

*XI. Be irrationally self-confident*
No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more ***** than rational defeatism.

*XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses*
In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

*XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little*
Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an *******, but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate ******* beats being a polite beta, every time.

*XIV. **** her good*
**** her like it’s your last ****. And hers. **** her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

*XV. Maintain your state control*
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, **** tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

*XVI. Never be afraid to lose her*
You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

***

The closer you follow the letter of these commandments, the easier you will find and keep real, true unconditional love and happiness in your life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Those are good tips, tony. However, I don't think they'll make any difference for a truly LD woman. They will work or improve things with a normal drive woman, if you have neglected doing these things previously.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

maybe you should have put "cure" in inverted commas... you know, being LD is not an illness...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Definitely some good tips TonyGunner. Now, how do we turn things around with a LD husband?


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

The only cure for a LD wife is a LD husband.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bugged,
I hope you are at least sort of kidding. 

The reactions you describe having in your posts - seem - normal to me. 

I don't believe your issues are about being lovable - more about partner compatibility.





Bugged said:


> I'm a LD woman. After careful consideration, researching, tests and outcome analysis I've come to the conclusion that the only cure is: break-up/divorce.
> 
> Sorry...


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Bugged said:


> I'm a LD woman. After careful consideration, researching, tests and outcome analysis I've come to the conclusion that the only cure is: break-up/divorce.
> 
> Sorry...


WOW! I'm curious. How do you mean? Please shed more light.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Bugged has a thread going. Speaking of which, how about an update Bugged? Have you spoken to your fiancee about the wedding?


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

I think your tips are very good, Tony, and I've printed them out to show to my husband later.

I do think that this is another situation where the term "LD" really refers to two distinct situations. For "genuine" lack of any desire, I agree that the advice may not apply.

My husband would certainly describe me as LD - but the reason I don't want sex with him is that I get no satisfaction. I'm working hard to change the situation, but I suspect that a large percentage of LD wives are that way because sex has become too much work and too much discomfort for too little reward. 

Women who love their husbands, but don't enjoy sex, are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Men's egos are a very delicate thing. How do you tell him that, basically, we're not enjoying it and he's selfish in bed? What if you've tried many times to gently broach the subject, only to be disappointed at the response?

I think Tony's advice is very applicable to the second group.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

dismissed said:


> I think your tips are very good, Tony, and I've printed them out to show to my husband later.
> 
> I do think that this is another situation where the term "LD" really refers to two distinct situations. For "genuine" lack of any desire, I agree that the advice may not apply.
> 
> ...


You are so right! I thought I was Don Juan for 20 years. WRONG! My wife gave me hints here and there but nothing ever stuck. Regardless, the sex for my wife was like taking out the trash, a necessary evil. I looked to myself and finally fixed it. I am amazed at what actual, real female orgasms look like. For 20 years I was maybe a 2 out of 10. Now I think I'm an 8.

You are also correct in that the male ego is so very fragile. Combine that with complete ignorance and you have a real mess. On the bright side, my wifes LD and lack of enjoyment was EXACTLY what got me to change, not her actually telling me.

Check out my signature


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> maybe you should have put "cure" in inverted commas... you know, being LD is not an illness...


Noted.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dismissed,

After reading tens of thousands of posts on TAM, I've learned to spot the guys who can actually be helped. They are:
- genuinely focused on improving the marriage 
- accepting of their contribution to the 'state' of the marriage 
- able to absorb constructive feedback and apply it
- focused on better understanding their wife and their dynamic with her

I have also observed a lot of guys who show up and want to find other men with low desire wives. Sadly these guys tend to reinforce some unhelpful themes. 

One common theme is: my wife comes every single time we have sex, why is she constantly turning me down

Which is part of a broader theme: women are incomprehensible. 

My view is different. If your wife is constantly turning you down, something is broken inside and/or our outside the bedroom. 

But the only way to discover what that is, is to create the level of trust and communication needed for her to be willing to tell you the truth. 






dismissed said:


> I think your tips are very good, Tony, and I've printed them out to show to my husband later.
> 
> I do think that this is another situation where the term "LD" really refers to two distinct situations. For "genuine" lack of any desire, I agree that the advice may not apply.
> 
> ...


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Dismissed,
> 
> After reading tens of thousands of posts on TAM, I've learned to spot the guys who can actually be helped. They are:
> - genuinely focused on improving the marriage
> ...


Thank you, MEM – your post gives me hope.

I’m still working up the courage to post my story, but I can tell you that my husband is aware of both my situation and his part in it. He genuinely wants to improve the situation, but has a very difficult time putting theory into practice. I’m in the process of gathering as much information as possible, to find a way to communicate what I need in a way that he can understand and apply.

In fairness, though – women really can be pretty incomprehensible!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dismissed,

You haven't lost your sense of humor and that's big. 

M2 consistently gets good results from me. She is very good about delivering the message in a easy to accept form.

She'll say: It would be great if you did X

And tends to avoid the: you suck because didn't do X

Is your main challenge with him inside the bedroom or outside the bedroom?





dismissed said:


> Thank you, MEM – your post gives me hope.
> 
> I’m still working up the courage to post my story, but I can tell you that my husband is aware of both my situation and his part in it. He genuinely wants to improve the situation, but has a very difficult time putting theory into practice. I’m in the process of gathering as much information as possible, to find a way to communicate what I need in a way that he can understand and apply.
> 
> In fairness, though – women really can be pretty incomprehensible!


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

UMP said:


> You are also correct in that the male ego is so very fragile. Combine that with complete ignorance and you have a real mess. On the bright side, my wifes LD and lack of enjoyment was EXACTLY what got me to change, not her actually telling me.
> 
> Check out my signature


I'm _really_ impressed that you were able to recognize the situation your wife was in, _and _figure out how to change without her actually telling you! :smthumbup:

We've been 27 years in this situation - so I figure I'd better be the one to try to fix it. I had hoped he would improve eventually - but reading people (even me) is not his strong suit. 

(Love your signature! Thanks for pointing it out, I probably wouldn't have noticed it!)


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Dismissed,
> 
> You haven't lost your sense of humor and that's big.
> 
> ...


The main challenge is definitely "inside" the bedroom - though I'm not unaware of the fact that my issues are certainly affected by resentments elsewhere in our marriage. That said, we are best friends, and committed to "forever," so I need to find a way to deal with these issues. 

Like your wife, I'm very good at delivering unpleasant news in the kindest way possible, and often act as the go-to "peacemaker" amongst groups I belong to. I'm finding it challenging in this situation with my husband, however. I've spoken around the issues, and even more directly, and am still not being heard. I'm working on writing a long letter to him, trying to explain myself - and am having trouble finding the right "tone." I want to be kind - but I'm afraid I need to be a bit more blunt.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

dismissed said:


> I'm _really_ impressed that you were able to recognize the situation your wife was in, _and _figure out how to change without her actually telling you! :smthumbup:
> 
> We've been 27 years in this situation - so I figure I'd better be the one to try to fix it. I had hoped he would improve eventually - but reading people (even me) is not his strong suit.
> 
> (Love your signature! Thanks for pointing it out, I probably wouldn't have noticed it!)


Basically I realized that my wife hated sex with me and just went out to figure out why. Along the way I lost 50 pounds, got more active and started REALLY loving my wife, sexually speaking. I took my time and explored EVERY part of her body to see if I was missing something. As it turns out, I was missing everything. It's now a marathon of pleasure.
To me, it's one of those things in life that you have to figure out yourself. You can have a 100 people tell you how much you suck in bed, but until you have the light bulb come on in your head, it's like you're blind.

The only suggestion I would have is to tell your husband to (while you are having sex) "slow down and enjoy." I used to get possessed and rush without thinking. If you get him to relax and enjoy it slowly it might help. Talk to him during the process with a soft sexy voice. Talk him through it like you would a child, because his mind is going wild and he cannot think.

I cannot tell you how many times I had a "plan" of attack I wanted to go through during sex and every single time, I lose my train of thought and forget about what I "wanted" to do.

Hope this helps.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bugged said:


> *I'm NOT kidding*.
> Compatibility is a HUGE problem.
> Last time we had sex it was awful. as in *A.W.F.U.L*.
> I was not in the mood, my partner cant' keep his hands off me...literally...(says he's more attracted to me than when we met...)..he was trying to behave but it was clear he wanted sex so i forced myself into it...I was stiff as a board, it was painful..luckily It did not last long...it was *AWFUL*.
> We cant' go on like this...I can't.


Not wanting to hijack this thread, I do need to make a comment. I realize what you describe is different from what I am going to say, but the "can't keep his hands off me" screamed out at me.

For a long period of time, my wife felt that I constantly "pawed" at her and "buttered her up" just to get in her pants. Eventually we discovered Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. She learned that my primary language of love was touch and my secondary LL was words of affirmation/praise. What she learned from Chapman's book was that when I want to say "I love you" I do it by touching her. When I want to say I love you, I tell her something I think she does well or value in her. 

I have learned that my wife's primary & secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. So I bring her coffee in the morning as an act of service, we sit in bed, talk and wake up together. The we start talking about our day. That way each morning she starts the day feeling loved with an act of service and quality time.

If you love this guy, read Chapman's book, take the test and then ask him to do the same. Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dismissed, 

Is this primarily a lack of:
- skill/technique
- endurance 
- consideration (he is skilled at pleasing you, but often doesn't make the effort) 

Equally important: Is he pretending he doesn't know you are unhappy or is he acknowledging you are unhappy but claiming he doesn't 'know how' to please you?





dismissed said:


> The main challenge is definitely "inside" the bedroom - though I'm not unaware of the fact that my issues are certainly affected by resentments elsewhere in our marriage. That said, we are best friends, and committed to "forever," so I need to find a way to deal with these issues.
> 
> Like your wife, I'm very good at delivering unpleasant news in the kindest way possible, and often act as the go-to "peacemaker" amongst groups I belong to. I'm finding it challenging in this situation with my husband, however. I've spoken around the issues, and even more directly, and am still not being heard. I'm working on writing a long letter to him, trying to explain myself - and am having trouble finding the right "tone." I want to be kind - but I'm afraid I need to be a bit more blunt.


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Dismissed,
> 
> Is this primarily a lack of:
> - skill/technique
> ...


It is primarily a lack of skill and technique, as well as what we both jokingly call his "poor sense of direction" in finding the right location! He knows how frustrated I am, and he does try - but absolutely doesn't "know how" to please me. 

I know I need to start a thread with more detail, but the abridged version is 

both virgins when we got married
I'm shy, and he's a brilliant, kindhearted man with ADD and poor people-reading skills
I've never had an O with him, but have no problem solo

I'm currently working my way through a number of books on the subject, as well as reading back through the archives of this and another forum. We're both great with the "book learning," but are struggling to put theory into practice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> maybe you should have put "cure" in inverted commas... you know, being LD is not an illness...



But a state of mind :rofl:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What I've learned about my LD wife over our 15+ years being married is as follows:


- she is extremely insecure about her body and does not feel sexy

- she does exercise and eats healthier but nothing like a life style changing event

- she is stuck in a circle she isn't willing to break


Nothing I can do about this, so I have to relive myself because her sex drive is way too low. Result is, we are friends, get along, room mates that cuddle but little to no sex.

That's why my wife is LD.

For others, it may be other reasons.

Being LD is usually something like child abuse, bad ex bf / gf, cheated on, insecure about their size, how they were raised about sex, etc.



Now is there a cure for HD and Ultra HD?

At first have sex every day and multiple times a day. Then wean it back to once every two days, only having sex 3 - 4x each week and leave it at that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

john117 said:


> But a state of mind :rofl:


it's a way of life, for some...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Bugged
Please do not be sorry for negativity - you are telling people something that they really need to hear. 

If someone does not, and will not want sex, then it is better for them and their partner to know.




Bugged said:


> Sorry, no hijacking from me either..I just wanted to point out that the term LD is often *misused *on this forum.
> 
> If she' s really LD, nothing will work, after the honeymoon phase is over, she will only want to have sex x times a year.
> The HD partner either adjusts to that or will get a lot of bad/pity/duty sex.
> ...


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

tonygunner007 said:


> In conclusion, focus on giving and receiving pleasure. The point is, if she doesn’t enjoy it, why will she want to do it again?
> 
> Do you have a technique that has worked for you? Please share.


What if you do all these things, month after month (both in and out of the bedroom). She acknowledges them, says she feels loved and emotionally closer to you then ever but still says no to sex. 

LD is primarily a hormone problem. Hormones are affected by one's self esteem, mental and health, and views on sex. My wife had a triple-whammy in all 3 of these areas. Nothing I could do could make her want it more. It's something she has to want. And she didn't want it.

Be careful with your generalizations. There is no magic bullet, formula or plan. Either it works for some folks or it doesn't.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

There is no miracle cure. If there were a pill for this, we would all know the name of the person who invented it because they would be richer than Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and the Sultan of Brunei combined.

Best advice is to work out, be successful in all areas of life, remain upbeat, treat her well, and focus on sex being playful rather than result / orgasm based. After 6 months of this, if you are not having more sex, have "the talk". That you will file for divorce if the sex does not improve. Not as a threat. As an explanation of your boundaries.

Will not work in all cases. Don't have "the talk" if you are not prepared to leave. In that case, work out and try to be successful in other areas and realize you picked wrong and must bear the consequences.

I say this as someone who tried to improve myself, did not see any improvement in our sex life, and did not have the guts to leave. And no, I have not reconciled myself to this. So I realize how pointless the list above feels when someone spouts it to you. But it is in fact the only "solution". Even though it does not always produce the desired result (more and better sex). Good luck.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

tonygunner007,

My one criticism would be that you do not appear to be talking about true LD of the type people are either born with or can be triggered by a life changing event.

You seem to be talking about a situation where the metaphorical "flame" is simply not getting enough "oxygen."


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

committed_guy said:


> tonygunner007 said:
> 
> 
> > In conclusion, focus on giving and receiving pleasure. The point is, if she doesn’t enjoy it, why will she want to do it again?
> ...


The point is not to make her feel loved. The point is to make her want to have sex with you.

LD has two parts to it; Physical and emotional.

On the physical side, nobody is born with LD - unless you're talking about frigidity. For most couples, the problem is emotional. You see! We men sometimes think that what will get us to have sex is the same with women.

You might also want to check her perception of you - and her past experience with you.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> There is no miracle cure. If there were a pill for this, we would all know the name of the person who invented it because they would be richer than Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and the Sultan of Brunei combined.
> 
> Best advice is to work out, be successful in all areas of life, remain upbeat, treat her well, and focus on sex being playful rather than result / orgasm based. After 6 months of this, if you are not having more sex, have "the talk". That you will file for divorce if the sex does not improve. Not as a threat. As an explanation of your boundaries.
> 
> ...


"Cure" as used in this post is metaphorical. It LD is not a disease. It's just an emotional state. 

Working out and taking care of other parts of your life will not automatically make her want to have more sex with you - though it helps to make you more attractive. 

The point is look for what is holding her back. Sometimes, it's her life situation. Do you have kids? Is she getting busier? These things can reduce sex drive in women.

And yes! The focus is not orgasm. The focus is the experience. 

Still on her emotions, is she having accumulated resentment? It could also dampen her urge for doing it with you.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

ocotillo said:


> tonygunner007,
> 
> My one criticism would be that you do not appear to be talking about true LD of the type people are either born with or can be triggered by a life changing event.
> 
> You seem to be talking about a situation where the metaphorical "flame" is simply not getting enough "oxygen."


Yes! Most times, that is what it is: the metaphorical "flame" not getting enough "oxygen".

And by the way, nobody is born with LD. Our response to sex is learned.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bugged said:


> Sorry, no hijacking from me either..I just wanted to point out that the term LD is often *misused *on this forum.
> 
> If she' s really LD, nothing will work, after the honeymoon phase is over, she will only want to have sex x times a year.
> The HD partner either adjusts to that or will get a lot of bad/pity/duty sex.
> ...


I wish more people were honest like this instead of sugar coating it.. I do find it very sad though.. couples desperately need to be compatible in this area, so I feel...

I am one who would leave a good relationship over a lack of DESIRE in a partner...I need this for happiness & emotional fulfillment.. I can not stand the idea or being a burden or a chore in any way...this would anger me something awful & I'd grow very very resentful.. to the point he would want rid of ME..

I don't really care if this sounds bad.. it's similar to your truth.. .just the other side of that coin. 

We need to be openly honest about it...and seek to find a compatible match here for "harmony" .


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> > Quote:
> > Originally Posted by Bugged View Post
> > Sorry, no hijacking from me either..I just wanted to point out that the term LD is often misused on this forum.
> >
> ...


My question is, how do you differentiate the real LD from the fake?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tonygunner007 said:


> My question is, how do you differentiate the real LD from the fake?


If you've tried all the possible fixes, and none have worked after a reasonable period of time, it's either real LD or they just find you so unappealing that they'll only recover their drive with someone else. In both of these cases, you may as well give up and move on if you can't adapt and accept a sexless relationship.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

tonygunner007 said:


> Surfing through the forum, this has been a recurring problem.
> 
> A relationship starts. Both parties are excited about sex. After some time, the woman loses interest.
> 
> ...


I wonder what the ratio of articles/posts-like-this (list of additional things men should be doing to charm & entice their wives) vs. the reverse.
My guess would be 100 to 1.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> I wonder what the ratio of articles/posts-like-this (list of additional things men should be doing to charm & entice their wives) vs. the reverse.
> My guess would be 100 to 1.


This post is not about "additional things... " it's about trying things differently. It may not work for everybody. But if it improves the situation of even just one person, then I'm happy.

You see, the issue is not just about real LD or fake LD. The issue is about improving a relationship. So if somebody reads this article, applies it and see an improvement, then the post has served its purpose.

There are thousands of reasons a woman might not be sexually receptive to a man. What if these points are true for some couples?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

UMP said:


> Basically I realized that my wife hated sex with me and just went out to figure out why. Along the way I lost 50 pounds, got more active and started REALLY loving my wife, sexually speaking. I took my time and explored EVERY part of her body to see if I was missing something. As it turns out, I was missing everything. It's now a marathon of pleasure.
> To me, it's one of those things in life that you have to figure out yourself. You can have a 100 people tell you how much you suck in bed, but until you have the light bulb come on in your head, it's like you're blind.
> 
> The only suggestion I would have is to tell your husband to (while you are having sex) "slow down and enjoy." I used to get possessed and rush without thinking. If you get him to relax and enjoy it slowly it might help. Talk to him during the process with a soft sexy voice. Talk him through it like you would a child, because his mind is going wild and he cannot think.
> ...


Well it seems that your male ego wasn't as fragile as it was stereotypically believed that it was. :grin2:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tonygunner007 said:


> My question is, how do you differentiate the real LD from the fake?


I was married to a genuinely LD man (and there are many of them out there) so will impart my knowledge in the hope it helps other women out there.

Firstly I don't think you can really tell a persons true drive for 2 plus years so post divorce it was important for me to keep my wits and not consider living together or marriage before year 3.
IME of being with a true LD man I found out that even they can want lots of sex at the beginning but then people fall back to their base line after a few years. That is fine, I don't believe LD or HD people need to be cured, what they do need to do is be honest. A naturally LD person cannot really change and they shouldn't have to but I carried a lot of resentment towards my ex for many years because he was not honest with me about his drive, I felt tricked and then when he went back to baseline I was shattered.

Clues to look for early on: a man that does not like kissing, deep passionate kissing.
A man that cannot talk about sex is also a huge red flag.

It also takes some time to really get to know a person, what I learnt during my time with the ex was that his LD stems from an emotionally screwed up background. His parents had a passionless marriage, they stayed together "till death do us part" and the household was filled with a toxic air of passive aggressiveness.
His father was very domineering, his mother was weak as piss.
His sister has never had a healthy LTR.

Post divorce he remained single for a few years and has just now re partnered with a woman that really surprised me, she is overweight and very average. Strangely it took me by surprise when I met her because I thought people traded up not down post divorce.
This reinforces what I have know for some time, that I bought out the drive in him at the start but that wore out and he went back to his baseline. 

I don't think a naturally LD person can change, I don't think they need to be cured. I just wish people were more open and honest. My situation was my own fault because I was not open and honest with what was important to me from day one, I was too immature to understand how important that was.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi Tony, 

Here is an analogy to ponder:

Person A desires apples and is happy when he eats one.
Person B desires to be happy and finds it pleasing when she eats an apple.

Problem 1 = Person B becomes disgusted with person A because he has no desire to be happy and he tries to force her to eat apples repeatedly.
Problem 2 = Person A gets frustrated that person B does not share a desire for apples.

I think that is pretty much how most relationships work but most people fail to see that it is an imperfect combination that simply keeps everything interesting. He or she can be reversed by rare exception.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> > Originally Posted by *tonygunner007*
> > My question is, how do you differentiate the real LD from the fake?
> 
> 
> If you've tried all the possible fixes, and none have worked after a reasonable period of time, it's either real LD or they just find you so unappealing that they'll only recover their drive with someone else. In both of these cases, you may as well give up and move on if you can't adapt and accept a sexless relationship.


Tue LD? Fake LD? IMHO no difference. 

Most people talk about sexual desire like something that is absolute. 
They talk about LD and HDs. Like it's a label. But it's not. It's relative.

For example, imagine an "HD" man dating and "LD" woman. What will you call him if he starts dating another woman with a *higher *sex drive? LD right?

Another funny way people talk about sexual desire is as if it is static: like it's level never change. 

To these people, if we scale sexual desire from 1 - 10; if you're level 3, you will remain level 3 for the rest of your life.

This is a false believe. Peoples desire level changes based on the situations in their life (and their health condition). 

For example, You can't expect a woman who just gave birth (and have a baby to take care of) to be as horny as she was during her honeymoon. Now imagine that her baby suddenly grows up and leave for college. How much more interested do you think she will be in sex?

The ultimate idea is to find ways to improve (or reduce - or balance) sex drive, not about turning an LD to HD or vice versa.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

intheory said:


> > Originally Posted by *Fozzy *
> > Definitely some good tips TonyGunner. *Now, how do we turn things around with a LD husband?*
> 
> 
> Thank-you Fozzy :smile2: These "wives don't want sex" threads do sort of make me feel like jumping off our 3rd floor patio. I don't even know why I read them; just a glutton for punishment, I guess.


Your point has been long noted (by me). I've been working on a write up to address that too. I'll let you know once it's ready. I believe it will help.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

intheory said:


> Bugged,
> 
> Do you like having orgasms? Forget about your partner for the moment. What about you?
> 
> ...


That is my point. People are not born with LD. A wo/man's response to sex depends on experiences (both current and past) and health status.

The more you deal with this issues, the more the sex life improves. It's not a switch. It's a ladder. It's that simple.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

I've said it before and will say it again. While there certainly are "LD" or even asexual people, much more common is the fact that the label LD is unfairly labeled to a spouse (usually the wife) who has simply lost attraction for her husband. And sometimes the wife even applies it to herself. The old "It's not you honey, it's me" adage. It's a guilt free way for both couples to cope with a difficult situation. Yet how many times do we read on this board where men thought they had an LD wife, that the couple have essentially a sexless marriage, and then lo and behold wife finds a new man that lights up her life and "shazam" that old loving feeling is back. In spades. But not for her husband. And while there is never an excuse for infidelity, the loss of attraction over time is entirely on the husband. That's why he needs to realize that being a lazy bear or a doormat is the surest path to not only drive his wife's desire into the cooler but oftentimes right into the arms of another man.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tonygunner007 said:


> It's not a switch. It's a ladder. It's that simple.


Sometimes you only have a step stool to work with. You may reach the low hanging fruit, but never the good stuff.


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## Wiredtired (Apr 16, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Not wanting to hijack this thread, I do need to make a comment. I realize what you describe is different from what I am going to say, but the "can't keep his hands off me" screamed out at me.
> 
> For a long period of time, my wife felt that I constantly "pawed" at her and "buttered her up" just to get in her pants. Eventually we discovered Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. She learned that my primary language of love was touch and my secondary LL was words of affirmation/praise. What she learned from Chapman's book was that when I want to say "I love you" I do it by touching her. When I want to say I love you, I tell her something I think she does well or value in her.
> 
> ...


This exactly describes my situation....my wife's LL is acts of service, mine is touch. She always says I'm being nice to her just to get laid....she says a relationship can't be based on sex....I constantly tell her that ours is not, but sex every once in a while would be nice....not every 2 to 3 months! I'm too invested in this marriage to consider a sep. or D, so unfortunately, I deal with it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wiredtired said:


> This exactly describes my situation....my wife's LL is acts of service, mine is touch. She always says I'm being nice to her just to get laid....she says a relationship can't be based on sex....I constantly tell her that ours is not, but sex every once in a while would be nice....not every 2 to 3 months! I'm too invested in this marriage to consider a sep. or D, so unfortunately, I deal with it.


Have you tried giving your wife unconditional love (that was really hard for me) in her love languages? One of the Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy things I had to really learn was not to make "covert contracts" where I would do something nice for her with the expectation she would end our sex starved marriage. As part of my MW Davis 180's I stopped all initiating and just made her feel loved, while I worked on making myself a better, fitter, more interesting integrated person who had interests beside my wife. 

We went to work functions and at her work functions many of the women came over and flirted and talked to me. She found that flatering and frightening. She ultimately wanted to better understand what had caused my change and asked to read and discuss some of the books I read. Chapman's 5 LL and MW Davis SSM were the first 2 I handed her. Ultimately, I convinced her we should go to a sex therapist, but she kept saying that there was nothing wrong with her so she didn't need to get "fixed." 

As Fozi said he also realized he was part of the problem. When I realized that I was part of the problem, I apologized to my wife for what I had done to hurt her emotionally. I was specific so she knew I really understood how I had hurt her. It was hard to do, as I felt that what she had done to me was far worse. But that apology, forgiving her, proving her with unconditional love, no covert contracts, getting a life, and stopping pursuing all worked wonders.

Good luck to you.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> > Originally Posted by tonygunner007 View Post
> > It's not a switch. It's a ladder. It's that simple.
> 
> 
> Sometimes you only have a step stool to work with. You may reach the low hanging fruit, but never the good stuff.


Let me explain my switch and ladder metaphor better.

*It's not a switch:* it's not something you can turn on -- or off -- at will. Neither is it something that changes instantly.

*It's a ladder:* it's something that has levels. A level in which you move up and down based on your experiences (present and past) and your health status. 

There is no ULTIMATE desire level ("the good stuff" as you called it). It's all about meeting each other at the same level. so no need for step stools - or for fruit targeting.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tony, my point is that people have different innate levels of sexual interest. It's probably part genetic, and to that extent can only be changed modestly. Part is attitudes and deep held beliefs instilled while growing up, some is hormonal and as such can vary within genetic limits. Finally, there is circumstance and the partner you have, and circumstance can vary for better or worse.

A person with genetically innate low drive (even with positive beliefs and hormones) is simply never going to match well with someone who is innately high drive. Even with the most optimal and successful attempts, their ranges of desire won't overlap. At best, the LD person may commit to more, but while it could be done out of love, it won't be due to an increase in desire. Besides, most LD simply won't or can't make that effort. And an HD may compromise as well, but probably will always feel a little neglected.

So, the innate LD can step up a bit - the step stool - but don't have a ladder to climb. Once again, your ideas only work in a limited range of situations - they definitely will not work for everyone no matter how motivated.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Tony, my point is that people have different innate levels of sexual interest. It's probably part genetic, and to that extent can only be changed modestly. Part is attitudes and deep held beliefs instilled while growing up, some is hormonal and as such can vary within genetic limits. Finally, there is circumstance and the partner you have, and circumstance can vary for better or worse.
> 
> *A person with genetically innate low drive (even with positive beliefs and hormones) is simply never going to match well with someone who is innately high drive.* Even with the most optimal and successful attempts, their ranges of desire won't overlap. *At best, the LD person may commit to more, but while it could be done out of love, it won't be due to an increase in desire.* Besides, most LD simply won't or can't make that effort. *And an HD may compromise as well, but probably will always feel a little neglected.*
> 
> So, the innate LD can step up a bit - the step stool - but don't have a ladder to climb. *Once again, your ideas only work in a limited range of situations - they definitely will not work for everyone no matter how motivated*.


Thanks Married but Happy for being clearer. I now understand your point better. And your contribution is worth exploring...

First, my idea does NOT have all the answer. So it can't work for everyone. But what of those it can work for? I think they need it.

Secondly. Yes, genetic (i believe) has a role to play. In fact, there is a 2006 research that suggests that (though it's not conclusive as scientists are still divided on the findings. You can read about it here... Sex Drive May Be Swayed by Genetics ). 

But to say that some one is doomed by his/her gene not to enjoy higher sexual desire is what i don't agree with. Nothing in nature is 100%. So even a person whose gene makes him/her more likely to seek sex, other environmental factors (e.g past trauma, upbringing, innate believe etc.) will also contribute. 

The gene is not like a switch where one side is labeled "high" and the other "low". it is a spectrum - levels: it's not digital. It's analog. By the way, how high is "high" and how low is "low"?

If you say genetic influence is like a switch, then i believe that "low" is supposed to be replaced by "no" i.e. "no" sexual desire. In women, i believe that should be... Frigidity.

If you can fantasize or masturbate, then i don't think sexual desire in and of itself is the major problem.

Ok! do you notice that in most cases, it's men complaining of LD wives? Does it mean that most women has been doomed by their gene to have low sex desire? For me, most times, the problem is knowledge and understanding. What turns men on is different with women.

Have you forgotten that for most men, sex is a physical thing; while for most women, it's emotional? It takes more to get a woman there. And if most men can know what it is, there will be improvement. 

Also, my focus is not on getting anybody to "commit" or "compromise". I believe that love making should be driven by passion from both partners - not just a way of compromise or show commitment. Also I don't think anybody should be made guilty of his/her desire level. It's all about acceptance, knowledge and understanding.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tonygunner007 said:


> Thanks Married but Happy for being clearer. I now understand your point better. And your contribution is worth exploring...
> 
> First, my idea does NOT have all the answer. So it can't work for everyone. But what of those it can work for? I think they need it.
> 
> ...


Not my experience at all (me and many of my female friends). I know you said most but even so this is one of those statements that gets bandied around a lot here and IMHO only serves to make the problems people face far worse. This lack of understanding of both men's and women's sexuality helps to reinforce incorrect gender stereotypes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tonygunner007 said:


> Secondly. Yes, genetic (i believe) has a role to play. In fact, there is a 2006 research that suggests that (though it's not conclusive as scientists are still divided on the findings. You can read about it here... Sex Drive May Be Swayed by Genetics ).
> 
> But to say that some one is doomed by his/her gene not to enjoy higher sexual desire is what i don't agree with. Nothing in nature is 100%. So even a person whose gene makes him/her more likely to seek sex, other environmental factors (e.g past trauma, upbringing, innate believe etc.) will also contribute.
> 
> The gene is not like a switch where one side is labeled "high" and the other "low". it is a spectrum - levels: it's not digital. It's analog. By the way, how high is "high" and how low is "low"?


I agree, genetics is one factor, and to some extent malleable. Some genes get turned on/off by environmental factors, so yes, if LD is from a genetic basis, there may be SOME room for changing the expression of the trait. On the other hand, it may not be a trait that is subject to change, and then you have to hope other factors can result in change.

For those other factors, many depend on the LD wanting to change - many are quite happy as they are, why would they want to change? Perhaps you are more persistent and hopeful than most that you can do something that will result in real changes, and perhaps that is even your experience. For most, they are not so lucky.

Here's another analogy. You decide to play a card game. You play the hand you're dealt, and can use various techniques to improve your odds and overall results. However, if consistently bad hands are costing you your stake, eventually the wise move is to fold and play another day, another game.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I think this makes more sense and is more "manly". Women outwardly will denounce this but inwardly will fall for a man like this. Contradiction? Yes.



badsanta said:


> Hi Tony,
> 
> What great advice. :scratchhead: Unfortunately most people here subscribe to the PUA 16 Commandments of Poon and "adapt" it for long term marital relationships. As for me I do not play by any rules unless it is just for the fun of breaking them!
> 
> ...


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## Texansfan (May 8, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Have you tried giving your wife unconditional love (that was really hard for me) in her love languages? One of the Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy things I had to really learn was not to make "covert contracts" where I would do something nice for her with the expectation she would end our sex starved marriage. As part of my MW Davis 180's I stopped all initiating and just made her feel loved, while I worked on making myself a better, fitter, more interesting integrated person who had interests beside my wife.
> 
> We went to work functions and at her work functions many of the women came over and flirted and talked to me. She found that flatering and frightening. She ultimately wanted to better understand what had caused my change and asked to read and discuss some of the books I read. Chapman's 5 LL and MW Davis SSM were the first 2 I handed her. Ultimately, I convinced her we should go to a sex therapist, but she kept saying that there was nothing wrong with her so she didn't need to get "fixed."
> 
> ...


Regarding MW Davis 180's....what is that? How do you do a 180 and make her feel loved at the same time? Apologies if that's not the same 180 that some others have referenced.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

EVG39 said:


> ....
> And while there is never an excuse for infidelity, *the loss of attraction over time is entirely on the husband*. That's why he needs to realize that being a lazy bear or a doormat is the surest path to not only drive his wife's desire into the cooler but oftentimes right into the arms of another man.


Disagree .. If you are losing attraction for your partner, it is your responsibility to communicate this. If your partner will not or cannot respond to your needs, that is on them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I think this makes more sense and is more "manly". Women outwardly will denounce this but inwardly will fall for a man like this. Contradiction? Yes.


ugh why does this stuff (rubbish) get bandied around in a thread about marriage (thread is about wives, not picking up randoms with no self esteem). 

I outwardly and inwardly denounce it and as a very HD woman with a very healthy attitude to sex I can say that this sort of infantile behaviour would turn me off faster than if the guy grew two heads.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Holland said:


> > Originally Posted by tonygunner007 View Post
> > Thanks Married but Happy for being clearer. I now understand your point better. And your contribution is worth exploring...
> >
> > First, my idea does NOT have all the answer. So it can't work for everyone. But what of those it can work for? I think they need it.
> ...


Holland, I respect your position but I totally disagree.

Most of the problems in relationship comes about because we choose NOT to acknowledge that there is a fundamental difference between a man’s mind and a woman’s mind. What turns a man on is greatly different from what turns a woman on.

And YES. Sex is MORE of a physical thing for men and MORE of an emotional thing for women.

Let’s get practical…

Now imagine that while you were at the busstop, a beautiful woman (with the kind of boobs you like) walks up to you, gives you a flirty face, parts her blouse to revel on half of her chest and says to you, “I want you to f**k me right now.” If she means it, chances are, you will both be lodging in in the nearest motel.

Now imagine you walked up to a beautiful lady at the bustop, brought out your sprinklers and said to her, “I want to f**k you right now.” Chances are, you will be cooling off at the nearest police station.

Now to the other side…

Imagine that I (or a dude… or even a woman for that matter… or one of your female friends) walks up to you and say, “I want to speak to the deepest part of you.” Chances are, you will give me that look that says something like, “dude, that is the most stupid, maggot-infested **** of the year.”

(even as you read that, it may already be sounding like “the most stupid, maggot-infested **** of the year).

Now try saying the same thing to a woman (or any of your female friends). Chances are, you will get the same look of amusement. But one that says, “wow! Here’s a man in touch with his emotions.”

(By the way, what does it mean to be in touch with your emotions? I guess every woman knows that instinctively. Do you?)

Now, let’s say you continue spitting the same kind of **** (to her). For example…

Work today was challenging… the office was cool and quiet… an important file was on my table… when I opened it, I became intent… every other thing faded to the background… my heart started racing… adrenaline filled my blood… and I was filled with so much energy… (Well let me stop here).

If you keep spitting **** like this, you will start noticing her looking more intent (and focused on you). Her pupil may get bigger. Her cheeks may flush. She may become upright. Who knows… she may even start playing with her hair... Or stuffs like that.

Please suspend your judgement until you try it out in real life. IT’S REAL.

Another example…

Why are men the biggest consumer of porn movies and women the biggest readers of romance novels? It’s NOT coincidence.

In a nutshell, men are MORE turned on by what they see; while women are MORE turned on by what they hear and imagine.

All you need is to see that hot body and BAM! You are ready to go. But for her, it’s not just those abs that turns her on. It’s what she imagines and feels about it.

To take it further, she’s turned on by what she feels about those sounds (e.g. words) and imagines and NOT the sounds and images in and of themselves.

Another one: a man’s character is more of a turn on for most women his physique. A woman’s physique is a major turn on for most men.

_______________________________________________________________________
WOW! I didn't notice you were a woman till i saw this...



> ugh why does this stuff (rubbish) get bandied around in a thread about marriage (thread is about wives, not picking up randoms with no self esteem).
> 
> I outwardly and inwardly denounce it and *as a very HD woman* with a very healthy attitude to sex I can say that this sort of infantile behaviour would turn me off faster than if the guy grew two heads.


My bad. Anyway, tell me what you think about...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

tonygunner007 said:


> Holland, I respect your position but I totally disagree.
> 
> *Most of the problems in relationship comes about because we choose NOT to acknowledge that there is a fundamental difference between a man’s mind and a woman’s mind. What turns a man on is greatly different from what turns a woman on.
> 
> ...


It is all interesting discussion but like most of the discussions here, making something so gender specific is incorrect and actually does more harm than good. Men get on here and complain about the LD wife only to be told "most of them are like that" it just is not true, your wife might be like that, work it out based on who you and she are, not on false stereotypes. Visa versa for the LD male/ HD female couples.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Holland said:


> > Originally Posted by tonygunner007
> >
> > Holland, I respect your position but I totally disagree.
> > *
> ...



Holland, I agree with you that what turns different people on differs from person to person. And I think I omitted something in my phase… *“Sex is MORE of a physical thing for men and MORE of an emotional thing for women.” *I was supposed to say, “Sex is MORE of a physical thing for MOST men and MORE of an emotional thing for MOST women.

My point is, yes there are men who are very emotional about sex and women who are more physical about it. But in my personal experience and the experience of men (and women) I’ve talked to (both online and offline, including discussion forums like this), sex is an emotional thing for most women.

Yes, women are turned on by visuals. What is imagination all about? But you see, most will never act on that emotion unless they feel safe. They will never even let it show. For them, sex is more of an emotional risk. That’s why it’s MORE emotional for them.

That’s why it’s not just about the abs for them. It’s about how they feel about those abs, the owner and the environment.

And yes, more women in our time are becoming less emotional about sex. I’ve met women who are more open about their sexuality and take charge of their body. 

The keyword is SAFETY. There are still way more women who are yet to be as sexually liberated as you (and your female friends).

So while stereotypes (generalization) are not absolutes, they are the starting point – when you meet a stranger, you need some generalization to get the ball rolling. ULTIMATELY, sexual fulfilment is about paying attention to your partner and knowing who s/he is sexually (over time).

And on the bus-stop example…

What I’m driving at is that it is far easier to get a male stranger to want to have sex with you by just showing him some of your meat (e.g boobs) and making him believe you’re really interested – even if it’s a public place like a bus-stop. 

Let me put it another way, will you follow a stranger from a bus-stop to a motel just because he showed you his abs?

On the issue of one being in touch with his/her emotions: I’ve heard a lot of women complain that conversationally, men are shallow; that, “they are not in touch with their emotions.” But I’m yet to meet a woman who has problem talking about her emotions. 

And on the part where I said…



> Now, let’s say you continue spitting the same kind of **** (to her). For example…
> 
> Work today was challenging… the office was cool and quiet… an important file was on my table… when I opened it, I became intent… every other thing faded to the background… my heart started racing… adrenaline filled my blood… and I was filled with so much energy… (Well let me stop here).
> 
> If you keep spitting **** like this, you will start noticing her looking more intent (and focused on you). Her pupil may get bigger. Her cheeks may flush. She may become upright. Who knows… she may even start playing with her hair... Or stuffs like that.


And you responded with…



> I'm not sure what you are trying to get at here but every day my partner comes home and the first thing we talk about (barring any emergencies or OMG's) is his day at work. It is a great part of our evening ritual or is that what you mean?


My point is that women enjoy (and are more turned on) by talks about feelings and emotions than by logical talks (typical of men).


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

A pharmaceutical company is working on a medication that might help:
http://www.palatin.com/pdfs/bremelanotide.pdf


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I think you have hit the nail on the head, generally speaking there is a good chance that if nothing else is going on then it's just up to the other person not understanding their partner's needs.Marriage gets stale after the honeymoon and all the nice things that they've done for each other to make them feel special go away. Basically you are saying never stop dating each other, never stop trying to improve yourself for the other person.

But here the problems and issues are much different, there is more going on and there are a lot of reasons for it. So it's good advice but probably won't make much of a difference.


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