# Why so hostile towards the OM/OW?



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Obviously its sucks that the person you love is having sex with(self edit) another person, but all I read here are people wanting to destroy the OM/OW involved in their spouses affair, yet they always seem to bend over backwards to forgive, and stay in relationships with these awful people, who actually betrayed them. I mean co mon, do these other people really owe you anything? IMO not really. I mean, of course its totally immoral to hit on a married M/W, but really, thats their right to be immoral if they want, isnt it? they didnt vow before god, or a judge to be faithful to you, your spouse did, but you all act like they were the helpless victims of this temptation, like they have no capacity for self control, seems absurd to me.
I think people do this cause they dont want to let go of what they feel was taken from them, but sorry to break it to you, if your spouse has sex with another person, theyre already gone, whether they stay or leave, the bond is broken no matter how you slice it, and they will never respect you if you stay w/ them.

I think maybe people should think hard about how they can keep their spouse from cheating in the 1st place. Maybe try losing some weight, dress better, flirt, Make love better ,and more often, and for crying out loud, learn how to give head right! (that means you too fellas)

Not trying to be mean, just trying to give my perspective on alot of what I read here. Sorry if anyone was offended.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

That is easy to say from the perspective of someone who is in a place where they are thinking rationally and clearly. The problem is that everyone who is trying to save their marriage loves the person who cheated on them. 

If the OM/OW is hurt in the process of busting the affair then who cares. 
The OM/OW obviously have severely compromised ethical standards. They were probably a nice person before they decided that you and your children were beneath contempt.
They are 50% to blame and so they get some abuse here. 


Destroying their career is a tempting option..

As far as the marriage being in trouble. Yes, that is a different issue and one that should be dealt with within the partnership/marriage. Even if that means ending it. 

If you want to have a go at people for not being attractive and sexually proficient then that is fine. It is easy with kids, mortgage, work to neglect the relationship that started it all.

Can I assume you are involved with a married person and want some validation? Sorry if that offends.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You forget something very important. Many - if not most - OM/OW continue to pressure the cheating spouse to continue with the affair even after being told by the cheating spouse that it's over. They deliberately seek to destroy any chances for marital recovery. For this reason alone, the OM/OW deserve to be punished severely.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

ing said:


> Can I assume you are involved with a married person and want some validation? Sorry if that offends.


uuuuuuuuuuh.....NO...aaaaaaand... NO. (I never cheated but the women in my cheat fantasies are single)

I just think its ridiculous to hear how people wanna go after the other M/W, but talk about how much they love and cherish these lovely folks who just bedded down with another person behind their backs, as if it was anyones decision but theirs. Ive had several different attractive women(clients) flat out offer me BJs at work, several different Xs. Its something Id like very much that my wife aint too good at. However Ive refused every time even though Im pretty sure my wife would never find out, its called self control and a conscience.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> I think maybe people should think hard about how they can keep their spouse from cheating in the 1st place. Maybe try losing some weight, dress better, flirt, Make love better ,and more often, and for crying out loud, learn how to give head right! (that means you too fellas)
> 
> Not trying to be mean, just trying to give my perspective on alot of what I read here. Sorry if anyone was offended.


These are not always the reasons people cheat. It usually has more to do with the cheater.... insecure, mid-life crisis, looking for ego-boost, etc. In some ways it would make me feel better if it was as simple as sex and/or physical appearance. An affair sucks even more when you have been fulfilling the above criteria and yet it still happens.

I don't feel a LS owes the OW/OM anything, so if some get slammed so be it. However, a LS has a history with their DS. We loved them before the affair and many still love them after discovery. Plus, it seems more often than not, the DS & LS are raising children together. For these reasons, a LS may be willing to try and forgive their DS, but there's still no motivation to forgive the OW/OM.

Until you've lived through infidelity, I don't think you can truly understand it. I used to say it would never happen to me or that I'd be gone if it ever did. Such juvenille thinking. It's like nothing I ever imagined and I reacted totally different than I expected. You just never know until it happens to you.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

For the record, I have no desire to go after the OW. However, if she kept trying to contact my H or started being aggressive, I might think differently. 

Side note, I agree one needs a strong conscience to avoid cheating. Unfortunately, many times selfishness wins out over conscience when it comes to afairs.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> uuuuuuuuuuh.....NO...aaaaaaand... NO. (I never cheated but the women in my cheat fantasies are single)


Just a troll test.. You passed



franklinfx said:


> However Ive refused every time even though Im pretty sure my wife would never find out, its called self control and a conscience.


I think you will find most people agree with that statement! 

The problem is that if you are with someone a long time and they have loved you, it is very hard to accept that they no longer do. 
You have to go through the my_partner_is_a_victim_stage. It is just more than your mind can cope with. The pain is unbelievable 

I was VERY surprised at how much I would have forgiven of her and how long I waited before moving on. Partly because of the history and the fact we had kids together.

The OM/OW becomes the enemy because you can be damned sure that he/she is not telling your partner how lovely you are and is sabotaging any attempt to reconcile.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If your wife cheated on you, you might tone down that haughty tone and understand the other side a bit. The om/ow is not without culpability. It isn't unreasonable to expect people to respect boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

morituri said:


> They deliberately seek to destroy any chances for marital recovery. For this reason alone, the OM/OW deserve to be punished severely.





ing said:


> Just a troll test.. You passed
> The OM/OW becomes the enemy because you can be damned sure that he/she is not telling your partner how lovely you are and is sabotaging any attempt to reconcile.


I don't think either of these statements are true most of the time. I'd be willing to bet most of the time it's purely physical and one time and neither person wants to change their current situations.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why so hostile towards the OM/OW? 


I think it's because it's easier to hate someone you don't know.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> Obviously its sucks that the person you love is having sex with(self edit) another person, but all I read here are people wanting to destroy the OM/OW involved in their spouses affair, yet they always seem to bend over backwards to forgive, and stay in relationships with these awful people, who actually betrayed them. I mean co mon, do these other people really owe you anything? IMO not really. I mean, of course its totally immoral to hit on a married M/W, but really, thats their right to be immoral if they want, isnt it? they didnt vow before god, or a judge to be faithful to you, your spouse did, but you all act like they were the helpless victims of this temptation, like they have no capacity for self control, seems absurd to me.
> I think people do this cause they dont want to let go of what they feel was taken from them, but sorry to break it to you, if your spouse has sex with another person, theyre already gone, whether they stay or leave, the bond is broken no matter how you slice it, and they will never respect you if you stay w/ them.
> 
> I think maybe people should think hard about how they can keep their spouse from cheating in the 1st place. Maybe try losing some weight, dress better, flirt, Make love better ,and more often, and for crying out loud, learn how to give head right! (that means you too fellas)
> ...


This is why I told the OW she isn't anything special.If he hadn't cheated with her he would have done it with someone else.

I always dressed nice,kept my body in shape,and he received sex/oral sex all the time in addition to all the other things I did to be a good wife.His excuse for cheating was i made myself too accessible to him and therefore it was no fun.He wanted a tease apparently.A woman to be tough on him and make him work for the affection.I'm not wired that way and had no idea ANY man wanted it this way until it was too late.

Based on my situation,I did everything I could to be an ideal wife.It didn't stop some other woman from stepping in between my husband and me...and he allowed it to happen.They're both sickening in my opinion.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> Obviously its sucks that the person you love is having sex with(self edit) another person, but all I read here are people wanting to destroy the OM/OW involved in their spouses affair, yet they always seem to bend over backwards to forgive, and stay in relationships with these awful people, who actually betrayed them. I mean co mon, do these other people really owe you anything? IMO not really. I mean, of course its totally immoral to hit on a married M/W, but really, thats their right to be immoral if they want, isnt it? they didnt vow before god, or a judge to be faithful to you, your spouse did, but you all act like they were the helpless victims of this temptation, like they have no capacity for self control, seems absurd to me.
> I think people do this cause they dont want to let go of what they feel was taken from them, but sorry to break it to you, if your spouse has sex with another person, theyre already gone, whether they stay or leave, the bond is broken no matter how you slice it, and they will never respect you if you stay w/ them.
> 
> I think maybe people should think hard about how they can keep their spouse from cheating in the 1st place. Maybe try losing some weight, dress better, flirt, Make love better ,and more often, and for crying out loud, learn how to give head right! (that means you too fellas)
> ...


For those reasons that you have stated I have not harassed this woman. When I visit his wk and I see her I don't say a thing. I don't call her or anything. She owes me nothing. I take it to her. But when she calls his phone and I answer and hangs up and I leave her a message saying I know it all and I have his phone so don't call and she still does. Or drives by my house or and just keeps coming. Yet I still have not caused her any grief or pain. Could I, yes....should I hell yes but I choose to behave respectfully. But i'm getting to the end of my rope with it and my problem will soon become hers if she doesn't show my my due respect. Even through all this I have shown her respect and that of her kids. WHERE IS MINE? If this keeps up, then I will go directly to her at wk and have this conversation and leave.

And no you didn't offend my just replying thats all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Actually, I'm not as hostile to the OM. He's a scumbag for sure, but I blame my WW more.

1. OM did not vow to forsake all others and be faithful to me, my WW did. 
2. OM could have messaged her all he wanted, but my WW could have simply ignored him....she didn't.
3. My WW was the one calling him at all hours of the night and early mornings. She could have chosen not to, but she was the one who sacrificed her sleep and ignored me and picked fights with me to sustain her affair.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

rider03 said:


> I don't think either of these statements are true most of the time. *I'd be willing to bet most of the time it's purely physical and one time and neither person wants to change their current situations.*


:rofl::lol:

One time lay? Don't kid yourself. Most OM want an easy lay and prey upon vulnerable women especially married ones since they are easier to seduce than single women. They don't give a crap about destroying these women's marriages and families. They want a f**k buddy who will give them NSA sex whenever it pleases them. And then there are a few OM who aggressively push their married women to leave their husbands.

As for the female OP or OW are concerned. They are worse than their male counterparts. These women want nothing more than the total destruction of the cheating husband's marriage and family.

Will all this, do you still believe that OP are not worthy of the contempt they so richly earned?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> As for the female OP or OW are concerned. They are worse than their male counterparts. These women want nothing more than the total destruction of the cheating husband's marriage and family.


Why do you think the women are worse?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why do you think the women are worse?


Because it's been my experience that most the OW, especially single women, are not satisfied with simply being f**k buddies to their married men. More OW than OM, want to have an open and committed relationship with their married men. Of course there are married OW who simply use the OM like their male counterparts use their OW, who have no intention to leave their husbands and their families for their lovers. 

For every OM that wants to have an open and committed relationship with his married woman, there are probably 2 to 3 times more OW who want the same.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If your spouse has cheated on you, your hurt/anger should be directed at your spouse, not the OM/OW. I understand you would be hurt ad angry at the other party involved, BUT your spouse is who you're married to, and thats where the issue(s) should be dealt with. It doesn't mean the OM/OW gets off scott free, they will ahve their own battel to deal with. It means your attention/ focus is on the person (your spouse who betrayed you)


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Have you been cheated on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

trey69 said:


> If your spouse has cheated on you, your hurt/anger should be directed at your spouse, not the OM/OW. I understand you would be hurt ad angry at the other party involved, BUT your spouse is who you're married to, and thats where the issue(s) should be dealt with. It doesn't mean the OM/OW gets off scott free, they will ahve their own battel to deal with. It means your attention/ focus is on the person (your spouse who betrayed you)



Believe me, my hurt & anger was all directed at my spouse when I first found out. At least a good solid week of 24/7 $#!+storm. My focus was only on his betrayal, I don't even remember feeling anything towards the OW initially. 

However, it's unhealthy and difficult to sustain that anger. So you talk and talk and talk with your WS and try to put together the puzzle of the A in your head. Hopefully you get your questions answered, so you can try moving forward. Eventually the anger disipates and you make a decision. Rebuild or quit the relationship. If you decide to rebuild, you have to let the anger go and try to focus on the marriage not the affair. The anger still pops up, but not as frequently. Some may shift the anger towards the OW, especially if they're fishing after NC has been declared. Depends on the person and situation.

The only times I've felt major anger directed at the OW, were the 2x she tried to contact my H since he asked for NC. She had asked for NC too and the fishing feels like another betrayal. She's going against her agreement to leave my H alone and focus on her own marriage. That is what p!$$es me off. However, if I ever find out my H responds or attempts contact with OW, the hurt & anger will all be directed towards him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Because it's been my experience that most the OW, especially single women, are not satisfied with simply being f**k buddies to their married men. More OW than OM, want to have an open and committed relationship with their married men. Of course there are married OW who simply use the OM like their male counterparts use their OW, who have no intention to leave their husbands and their families for their lovers.
> 
> For every OM that wants to have an open and committed relationship with his married woman, there are probably 2 to 3 times more OW who want the same.


I agree w/ this assessment, I just wanted you to elaborate. LOL.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree w/ this assessment, I just wanted you to elaborate. LOL.


Of course this doesn't justify an unfaithful spouse from telling his/her betrayed spouse not to worry about the OP because he/she is not in love with him/her and that the OP is temporarily simply filling a need that he/she has and expecting his/her betrayed spouse to response "Gee honey, that makes me feel so much better. Thanks" :rofl:


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree that the OM or OW owes you nothing and the cheating spouse is 100% to blame. 

If someone cheats that's on them they are weak and unable to properly commit and do what it takes to make their relationship better. 

If someone makes me feel good about myself and I find them attractive and thinking about them, then I need to walk away and address what is missing in my relationship and what I'm not getting from my spouse.

WR for the record if you weren't a fantastic wife he would have used that as an excuse to cheat, he is obviously someone who needs his ego built up and if you weren't doing that, that would have been his justification.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

The answer to this is super simple...

The OM is trying to take away the 1 thing in this world that matters most to me. He is trying to tear my family apart for simple sexual satisfaction.

If he had been a rapest sneaking into my house I would have shot him in the head and it would be legal to do so. If he had attempted to hurt one of my kids I would have shot him in the head and it would be legal to do so.

So is it ok if I just threaten and verbally abuse him a little for cheating with my wife? I think he got off rather easily.

As for my wife.....she hurt me bad. I will always know that during the affair she did not give a sh1t about how I felt and about our kids having a loving stable family. I absolutly hate that and I am disgusted by that. But....I love my wife. And if I plan to stay with the one I love and keep my family happy and stable, I have to bury that pure and simple. She also has to endure the pain and guilt associated with what she did for the rest of her life. I don't have to punish her. She will punish herself. I do actually feel sorry for her having to go through that.

The OM... I don't love him. He is not a part of my family or happyness. He is a threat to me. He represents only a threat to me and nothing more.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why? Because when there's nothing left to live for there's something worth dying for.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Speaking only from my own experience, it's about consequences.

I know the consequences my wife has faced (and continues to face) following discovery and our decision to reconcile & rebuild...the loss of and need to rebuild my trust in her, her having to prove her commitment to the marriage with actions instead of words, her loss of what can best be termed "freedom" as - until that trust is re-earned - she must pretty much account for her whereabouts and actions at all times, the need for total transparency, etc.

I don't, however, know what consequences the OM has had to face for his part in the affair other than getting the divorce he claimed he wanted and having to move in with mommy. So, truthfully, he doesn't seem to have been presented with any consequences at all. Our situation is probably rare (I hesitate to say unique because it probably isn't) in that the three of us - me, my W and the OM - all work together. With me being on quite good terms with management and with him doing a pretty lousy job and trying to skirt around the rules, I COULD take advantage of things and make his working life a living hell. Instead, I take the more difficult high road and let him hang himself. That's not to say that, if a co-worker makes a complaint about him and I'm asked, I won't corroborate...I will. And if, in response, one of his supervisors asks to be informed if I see him doing the things that have been reported I will gladly do so. Like I did this morning.

So, I guess it can be distiller down to a bit of revenge...making sure the OM doesn't get by with fewer scars than we're going to have. They may not be the same scars...but he'll definitely get marked up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not hostile to the Om's, out of twenty of them none took her away. My cheating wife just keep coming back no matter how hard I tried. I mean if any thing I'm pissed they couldn't keep her.
If any one knows my deal....back in the day I wouldn't of thought twice about spliting up, she just kept coming back. 

So after 13 years of her cheating I figured it was time to be married, IDK something just told me to confront the issues and we worked it all out. It gets to a point where your life is so unhealthy that something gotta change.

I don't know why now, I haven't left I quess I'm getting wiser in my old age. It's kind of cool when you treat someone good they return the kindness.

Granted I am really pissed about the "good friend" incident that double betrayal thing has me worked to this day. If I ever see this "good friend" again I will pour a can of whup ass on him.

As far as the rest of those vampires, they wheren't man enough to win her over so now I'm stuck with her.

It's funny how love works.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Why? While it might not be rational I'll tell why. They "took" what was mine. The person you made your plan for the future with, told your hopes and dreams, had your children with, worked your a$$ off for, built your life around, bought your 1st house with, ......Why? Because you are hurt and confused and need someone to blame. That's why.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

ClipClop said:


> Have you been cheated on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Just by girlfriends, as far as I know, my wifes been faithful, at least she had the decency not to tell me she cheated, if she did. I never saw any signs of it.

Getting cheated on sucks, no doubt about it, but to put it in perspective, no matter how much time, $$$, and emotion we invest in our spouse ,we really dont own them, or their bodies, all we can really do is make ourselves as appealing as possible, to discourage them from seeking what we lack, elsewhere.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why? Because when there's nothing left to live for there's something worth dying for.


um ........wut?


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

frank,

interesting post! can't really believe you can't understand why a BS feels that anger to OM/W. I think it is completely logical and a natural response. Why? Because sure it was, in my case, my wife's choice to be unfaithful like you say, but OM was her boss, knew of her problems and insecurities. I trusted him to support my wife in her job... We know each other and he knows my children so when he hits on my wife I take it very personally. When he lies to my face, lends my wife his car, comes to my house while he is doing my wife behind my back i take it personally. He disrespected me and treated me like sh*t. He didn't give a thought about my son and my son's happiness.

Why wouldn't I feel anger toward him and want some sort of revenge/justice for such a selfish/immoral/hurtful act on his part?? When he knew the hurt he was causing me and my son and carried on ?

It's not that I blame him more than my wife, they are both to blame... and I even hold myself responsible to a certain degree. I have a lot more invested in my wife than him, I have children with my wife who I have to think about. It's worth the effort of forgiveness for that alone. I'm not saying it will work but there is a chance. What motivation is there for forgiving him?? none... or maybe my own peace. 

It's a natural human reaction... if someone hurts/cheats/belittles/undermines you then you want to retaliate, whether it be by ways of self defence or offence.

huge lack of understanding/empathy on your part i'm afriad.


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## Neonwhizz (May 26, 2011)

franklinfx,

There shouldn't be any anger directed towards the OM / OW but only if they truly didn't know that their lover was not single.

If they knew, and I believe that 99% of them do know that they are dealing with an attached partner, then it is different entirely. Many OM/ OW know that something is up and their "partner" is not single, they are only allowed to call at certain times, they have to meet at certain times, avoid certain places, most of them know but don't care.

Yes anger is mostly directed at the WS but also at the OM / OW.

Try thinking this scenario out, you are at a bar, yes you, i see you with your GF but being a man devoid of any scruples, morals, conscience or whatever you want to call it, i hatch a plan to come over and try to chat to your woman, and that's just for a start, I will get her number behind your back, a well thought out conversation, i am cunning and know what to say to get your woman, even if she is with you, there is always a way. Would you be angry at your GF? Or me or both ? Who is to blame?

I'm pretty sure if you were a normal man, I would get at least half a beating, and if I (the one who approached your GF even though i knew she was with you) was half decent, then I know that i deserved it.

You see, most OM / OW are cowards and pick on the weak, or slightly distressed, or slightly in crisis, destroying lives in the process and then getting away with it.

Agreed though most of the anger should be directed at the WS, that person has to be dealt with first, but then when all that sh*t dies down it is time to deal with the OM / OW.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> Obviously its sucks that the person you love is having sex with ..another


How would you know if it sucks?

If a BS is lucky enough to know who the OW/OM is, well that's great...let them have it...with interest. 

This person has colluded with the WS to destroy the LS and their kids' right to enjoy their home. The fallout leaves a wake of devastation, emotionally, financially, spirtually.

The OW/OM will have helped encourage the WS to leave, put pressure on the WS to do something to allievate "their" pain! 

When the pain that follows for the LS and their families why on earth should either WS or OM/OW get off lightly?

The OP deserves the sh!t to hit the fan. In fact, dumping chicken sh!t at their front door and at their work would be much more appropriate but, not all LS get the chance to know who is the OW/OM.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I have to disagree. The only way you will get anywhere with a WS is one who has loose/weak boundaries and those who are open to an affair inthe first place.



Neonwhizz said:


> Try thinking this scenario out, you are at a bar, yes you, i see you with your GF but being a man devoid of any scruples, morals, conscience or whatever you want to call it, i hatch a plan to come over and try to chat to your woman,


If the GF has strong boundaries and comitted to her BF, she will say "Buzz off, I have a BF", or something to that effect. Simple 5 word sentence. Or she can simply tell me that you are bothering her, and you will either get a beat down or I will have you thrown out of the place.



Neonwhizz said:


> and that's just for a start, I will get her number behind your back, a well thought out conversation,


Again, if the GF has strong boundaries, she knows she should not just be handing out her phone number to some guy who just happened to talk to her in the bar, no matter the type of conversation. A simple "Buzz off, I have a BF", or something to that effect. Or she can simply tell me that you are bothering her, and you will either get a beat down or I will have you thrown out of the place. It won't matter what you say if she has strong boundaries and is faithful.



Neonwhizz said:


> i am cunning and know what to say to get your woman, even if she is with you, there is always a way.


There is never a way if you have strong boundaries. "I'm sorry, but I'm married or I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Please stop talking to me." And if you persist, I call the bartender or bouncer or tell my boyfriend that you are bothering me. You will either get a beat down or I will have you thrown out of the place.



Neonwhizz said:


> Would you be angry at your GF? Or me or both ? Who is to blame?


Both, but more towards the WS. Why? Because bars and clubs are always going to have people who are on the prowl and looking to hook up. That's the nature of the place. It's very easy to snub or brush off a stranger if you have strong boundaries and are faithful. "Get away from me creep" is pretty simple to say isn't it? Or how about "If you don't stop bothering me, I'm calling the bartender/owner/bouncer". 



Neonwhizz said:


> You see, most OM / OW are cowards and pick on the weak, or slightly distressed, or slightly in crisis, destroying lives in the process and then getting away with it.


There are always going to be OM/OW out there who are looking to hook up, no matter where you are. It doesn't matter if you are in a club/bar, at the work place, the gym, the beach, etc, etc. You either have strong boundaries and good moral values or you don't. Most of us faithful BSs have had other people pursue us or flirt with us. I know I have. I've ALWAYS simply said, "I'm sorry, I'm married". And that's that.

They couldn't destroy a single life if those WS say "Get away from me", or "Stop bothering me" or Stop talking to me, I'm married or in a committed relationship. People like that get shot down all the time. It's the WS that gives in to these people because they have weak boundaries or are open to the affair.


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## Neonwhizz (May 26, 2011)

I know the WS should be able to brush off an advance, my point was only to demonstrate to the author of this thread that the OM / OW is to blame as well because they knowingly pursued a person that was attached.

Most of us would firstly find out if someone was single or not before making a move.

I realise that the WS will eventually find someone once their mind is made up to have an affair, my simple point is that the person they end up being involved with is to blame because they know they are doing something entirely wrong but still proceed.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Come on now. I'll admit it. This would be the only avenue where I could achieve some sort of validation if my wife were to have an affair. I promised never to lay a finger on her in anger, but I grew up in an area where fighting was our pastime. Didn't make such promises to others. Call me old fashioned, but if I had an affair with a married woman, the butt whuppin is just the expected price for the affair. In the early days of our marriage, a male coworker was just a little too liberal with his hands around my wife, and I'll admit that watching him nearly pee himself, even though I didn't even touch him, changed any notions my wife may have had about him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I like the way you think Halien


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MM/MW is the one who made the vow, the promise, therefore they should them down. 

With that said, 

If OW/OM knows that MM/MW is married (and let's face it, most of them do), then they are *willfully and intentionally *partaking in adultery and part of a betrayal.

Generally speaking, the OW/OMs know about the marriage most of the time. The BS usually has no clue about the affair and has been kept in the dark.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I have been thinking a lot about that and I still don't feel really angry with the OM, besides the fact that I do think he's a player. I don't have any hard feelings against his wife and family but I do think they deserve to know.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Why so hostile towards the OW?... Well, let me put it like this. It's been 7 months since d-day, 5 months since NC letter, and she is STILL chasing him, turns up in his office unexpectedly several times every week, begs him to get back with her (including trying to physically grab him), has sat outside our house and approached him a few times when he's been at our local shops and the beach... She has told him that if he stays with her 'our kids will get over it'... She has sent nasty messages about me and has said she would 'try to make life difficult for me'...

I think those are pretty good reasons for me to feel hostile towards her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Squiffy said:


> Why so hostile towards the OW?... Well, let me put it like this. It's been 7 months since d-day, 5 months since NC letter, and she is STILL chasing him, turns up in his office unexpectedly several times every week, begs him to get back with her (including trying to physically grab him), has sat outside our house and approached him a few times when he's been at our local shops and the beach... She has told him that if he stays with her 'our kids will get over it'... She has sent nasty messages about me and has said she would 'try to make life difficult for me'...
> 
> I think those are pretty good reasons for me to feel hostile towards her.


Now you're dealing with a bunny boiler. I feel for you. I would file a harassment report against her and possibly a Restraining/Protection Order against her also.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Why so hostile? Because she was a friend. I talked with her everyday at least once. She took care of my son, she knew my situation. She knew we were having issues, my H would talk to her to figure out how/why to get me to be interested in him. Trying to figure out why I was so cold/distant/disengaged. She stood up for him, would try to stick up for him to me and I scoffed it off. Would just get more irritated. She builit up his ego - told him all the things I should have been. (easy for her to do, she had no issues we did - financial, etc.) Then she is the one that kissed him. He fled. Eventually he caved. Yes, he was weak. He figured we'd be divorced anyway due to our financial situation (that he put us in). So, I am sure that was easy to convince him, what the heck. 

We both stayed in our marriages. We kept it a secret - all our mutual friends are clueless. (albeit one couple - who ironically are now the ones divorcing) She is showered with gifts, put on a pedestal, gets everything she wants, lavish vacations, etc. I am sure inside she is hurting perhaps. 

We are still struggling financially and will be for a while. (failed business due to economy) Trying to dig ourselves out of the hole. Sometimes I see light, sometimes more dirt. :-( My H showers me with the only thing he can - love and assurance that he loves only me and is happy I am his wife and that I chose to stay with him.

SO hositility toward her - Hell Yes! Still not sure what her reason was. Her excuse was she saw a friend hurting (my H) and was helping him feel better. Whatever. Piss poor excuse to me but she has to look in the mirror everyday, not me. Her H has to live with that excuse, not me. I have to see her periodically and keep up facade that we're still friends in order to see my other friends. 

So, yes I understood I am probably being hypocritical. My H broke vows to me - she didn't. Just ruined and betrayed a friendship. But to me, for whatever crazy reason, feels worse. Perhaps because I can see my H's remorse and feel his love everyday. I was asked if I can forgive one, why not the other? 

So interesting, thought provoking question. Maybe easier to feel anger toward OM/OW because the anger has to go somewhere. IF I directed toward my H, I wouldn't be able to recover and rebuild our marriage. :scratchhead:


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

I had so much anger and resentment when I found out about my husbands A that I had to focus it some where and while I know he is 50% to blame (if not more cos he s married) I knew that all the resentment would hinder any chance of a R . So it s all gone her way - I don t know her or wish to know her but I don t think I ve ever felt so much anger towards one person


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I too put a lot of anger towards the OW. She herself has just gone through a terrible divorce and my husband was her sounding board. I trustingly told him to help but be careful, before the affair started.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bump!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

rider03 said:


> I don't think either of these statements are true most of the time. I'd be willing to bet most of the time it's purely physical and one time and neither person wants to change their current situations.


I don't think I've seen one single story on here of a purely physical one-time deal. I believe you are way off base in that statement.



i_feel_broken said:


> frank,
> 
> What motivation is there for forgiving him?? none... or maybe my own peace.



Very thought provoking 5 words there. I am lucky in that the OM is states away. That is what kept it from going PA from EA. It is also what keeps me from practicing Marine Corps training on his sorry ass. Maybe I need to consider forgiving him for my own peace. I don't know if that is in me at this point, though. I agree with someone else in this thread. I have never hated anyone with as much passion as I do that man. I know my wife is 50/50 or more. I suppose it is human nature to re-direct the hatred and anger from the spouse if you are trying to reconcile toward the OM/OW. I believe you will see that the majority of those trying to reconcile (including me) have children that they are thinking of. In order to try to do what is in the best interest of the children, we try to reconcile. Moving most of the natural anger and hatred toward the OM/OW gives reconciliation a better shot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ TN, I disagree on your first point. I have seen some threads on here where it was a one-time ONS.



lordmayhem said:


> bump!


Ya just HAD to stir some sh-t didn't you? LOL


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't think I've seen one single story on here of a purely physical one-time deal. I believe you are way off base in that statement.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hurting-same situation for me. First thought was double tap time for this guy. Thinking of Kids probably what stopped me.
I Trusted spouse 100% for 15.5 yrs. He admitted, to me,he had to work her pretty hard. WW got abused as a child and has self esteem issues so there were openings.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ TN, I disagree on your first point. I have seen some threads on here where it was a one-time ONS.


Maybe some, but not the majority. The drunken kiss thread is much more. Old boyfriend, Face-book friend, etc.

I don't remember any ONS only, but I am sure there are some. But that is not the prevalent situation, as the poster had stated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I agree with you that it's not prevalent around here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I am lucky in that the OM is states away. That is what kept it from going PA from EA.


Same thing here. My wife's OM is in Canada. But he is from the Philippines like my wife. I think he's going back after his work contract is over. I told my wife that he better hope that he doesn't cross paths with me if ever we go there for a vacation. Because at this point, he's going to get a major beat down.

So no, I'm not at the point of forgiving the OM.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Seriously?!?!?

Did that question even have to be asked?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

There's definitely no room for forgiveness in my heart for the OM. I am the same person who held a nearly 20 year grudge against a former best friend/roommate for moving out with a week's notice and generally flaking out on our circle of friends. An affair with my wife? Yeah...that doesn't engender foregiveness in me at all, when you compare the two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I realize I am speaking from an angry place today given ongoing circumstances and being only 7 weeks out from Dday, but personally I think the OP was just trying to stir things up (aka trolling) with this thread. 

But I will answer the question and tell OP the same thing I told my counselor at IC yesterday.

Unless you've been through what I have, lived this particularly excruciating life experience, you need to shut up because you have no freaking clue of what you're talking about. 

I will forgive my ww because we are working very hard on R, but forgiveness for the OM is not happening. I don't plan on administering any beat-downs should he come to town again, but I will find peace on my own terms, without giving him even a shred of compassion.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> First thought was double tap time for this guy.


Double tap would be too quick and painless. I was always thinking more hand to hand combat stuff. I know. It wouldn't be worth it. But it sure would be fun.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If the truth be told, especially when it comes to OM, it's unlikely that you will ever catch them. They run and hide as soon as they see you coming. They fear meeting you. They are scared of the make up treatment. The red clown nose. The black panda eyes. The toothless fish. Those funny shaped arms that sloths have and seem to bend in the wrong direction. Most OM are workshy cowards who need Mam and Dad to support them. They're clearly incapable of supporting themselves.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ So do you think most OW fear the wife in that way/meeting her, etc?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> They're clearly incapable of supporting themselves.


lol. The OM in my case lives with a male roommate. At 34 years old, he still isn't supporting himself. Funny how she doesn't see that as a character flaw.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ So do you think most OW fear the wife in that way/meeting her, etc?


I don't truly know, but I imagine that an OW would be very apprehensive about meeting a betrayed wife. I feel that women use passion and emotions rather than the physical element often discussed by men, and the OW would know that she would be getting a *REAL* dressing down of the betrayed wife and would be forced to look shamefully deep within herself. 
Men would be happy to grab the OM, scruff him up, bloody his nose, show their dominance over him, then let him whimper away. This usually makes the man feel better. Women are much, much more demanding in the sake of justice and would likely only be pacified when the OW leaves, crying, apologising, shaking, shameful and depressed. 
But overall, yes, I think OW would rather avoid any meeting with the BS.

Just my tuppence

N-B


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> . Funny how she doesn't see that as a character flaw.


They never freaking do!

Still, if we left them to persue this life of bliss where the grass is so much greener, I'm sure that, over time, that flaw wouldn't be a problem.
Well, not our problem.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> lol. The OM in my case lives with a male roommate. At 34 years old, he still isn't supporting himself. Funny how she doesn't see that as a character flaw.


Because like all affairs, it's a fantasy. It's so easy to be Prince Charming online and one the phone, to be the guy with the shoulder to cry on. They don't live with the OM and see beyond the facade until they actually end up living with them and have a REAL relationship with all the normal pitfalls that go with it.

That's why I hate it when I see betrayed spouse try to woo back their WSs, trying to be the perfect husband/wife. You can't compete with a fantasy while they are in the fog.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Simply put, the woman isn't noticing the knight outside her castle window because she's to busy with a frog in the highest spire...


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i can't help but chime in on this one.

In my case the OM was one of my wifes co-workers. theyve worked together at the same store for a while, but my wife was friends with the OM soon to be Ex. then after we had our son, we had a lot more in common. (they have 2 kids.) generally it was all pretty innoccent. they had marital problems, he would complain to my wife, they became better friends when the ex transfered to a different store due to problems with the manager. our kids would playdate, hes been to my house. but it started escalating late last year when their problems got worse, and then my wife started confiding in him that we had problems (or more accuratley she was unhappy). he saw that and went from want MC with his, to canceling to filing for divorce. he pursued my wife and made our issues seem a lot worse than they are. all the talk and friendship eventually made her fall "in love" with him and out of love with me. 


so why hostile to the OM. 

because i knew him. because he came to my house and my sons birthday party under the guise of friendship.(in nov/dec when things were heating up) that lacks honor and integrity. it is the work of a little boy, not of a real man. that alone makes me want to take a hit on his ass. will i forgive him. never. he actively pursued a married woman, and then sought to destroy our relationship and affect the life of my son. one day, i hope to take vengance.
is it wrong, yes. am i lowering myself to his level. maybe, depends on the vengance. but i wont sacrafice my family to do so.

as for the wife.
i am equally as angry at her. for obvious reasons. but she definitely has to be handled differently. If we get to reconcille, then ill have the opportunity to express that anger and pain to her. to make her feel it, but not beat her down with it. i want her to understand, so that the anger can be turned into something CONSTRUCTIVE not DESTRUCTIVE. but she is not absolved from that anger...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

elph said:


> one day, i hope to take vengance. Is it wrong, yes. Am i lowering myself to his level? Maybe, depends on the vengance. _*But i wont sacrafice my family to do so*_.


And that last line makes you a MAN my friend.

Best wishes

N-B


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

C'mon... you can't e serious in asking this... could you?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have info about OM#1 that would probably be revalatory to OM#2 and possiby put a stop to the relationship he's having with my stbx, on the other hand as long as my stbxw puts out I'm sure he couldn't care less. He knew we were separating when I told him in the email and explained some of W's irresponsible behavior. I could tell him the specific reason and inform him that I think my W is still interested in playing the OM#1 again too (though he knows she's split up and may only be into married women since in the photos she sent him she put on wedding ring that she hadn't worn for some time). I've been tempted to tell these two OM about each other because they may be in the same community and unaware she was having flings with both, and could cause some infighting which would be satisfying to see.

But why should I even waste my effort on this, the same result will occur either way, just makes me look petty and gives her something to complain about. Don't get me wrong I think both these guys are vile and the enemies that successfully attacked what I held most dear, I wish for nothing but misery and suffering for them both, if either should ever commit to my stbxw they will get whats coming.

Karma is just another word for consequence, and these people (OM#1, OM#2, stbxw) all have no self-control and have inflicted miserable consequence on themselves. I think I'd just prefer the scenery along my own new route in life instead, the high road.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> Karma is just another word for consequence, and these people (OM#1, OM#2, stbxw) all have no self-control and have inflicted miserable consequence on themselves. I think I'd just prefer the scenery along my own new route in life instead, the high road.


Well done, Lon.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Why so hostile towards the OM? During a 6 week period OM and my W had texted each other around 5600+ times and they had talked to each other on the phone for about 1200+ minutes. The calls were all pretty much while I was at work or asleep or while my wife was driving to or from work. Some times he even called her like an hour after I had left for work for 50+ minutes.

The OM did all this whilst pretending to be my friend. I had befriended him after a friend of ours (which was his best friend) had commit suicide.

The OM stabbed me in the back 5800+ times.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

elph said:


> it is the work of a little boy, not of a real man.


This reminded me of a little something. My wife's OM has a bumper sticker on his vehicle that I see every day (all three of us work in the same place).

It says, "Real men wear kilts."

For the record, I've never seen him in a kilt...always pants. So, what's he saying about himself? ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

There is no logical reason for hostility to the OM (i'll base my response on the cheating wife/OM scenario).

However, whether you like it or not, you have a very close relationship with the OM. Excuse my graphic response but it's an important part of my point. He's been deep inside your wife's body. He's given her intense physical pleasure. She's given him her whole body. He has part of her soul. They've gone through the physical actions to make a baby together (even if not physically possible due to birth control). Even if the risk of HIV/AIDS is small, she's basically willing to die for him. She's risked her marriage and family for him. Even though you didn't agree to it, you have shared your wife with him. Through your wife's body, you may have even shared fluids directly with him.

If you've achieved a true NC state, he's still deeply in your life and in your family.

We all know that many men are hunters and will go after women whether single or in a relationship. It makes no logical sense to hate this characteristic, it's just a fact of life and we should not take it personally. But your deep and close connection with the OM through your wife makes it deeply personal and emotional. Hence the extreme hostility and passion.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I understand your thinking Couple, but my first Ex (we were together 6 years) left me for another guy she was seeing and I didn't take it as personally as the OM in my wife's ONS. 
I felt that the OM in the first relationship didn't know me, so it wasn't a personal attack, yet the OM in my wifes ONS knew me from years back, and I take that REALLY personally.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My opinion, we the LS are still in shock. I believe our psyche still protects the spouse. (which is what we did up to the infidelity) But there is so much anger and rage building within, our psyche has to lash out. OM/OW is usually the first in line...

Just my take,

~sammy


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

That's a fair idea Sammy. I couldn't rule that out.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

That does make sense. If you think about it, even moreso if there's a reconciliation in the mix, as you don't *want* to lash out at your spouse, so the OM/W makes for an even easier target.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I believe it's a protection mechanism wired within.

~sammy


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