# My husband says I am dishonest



## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

My husband is leaving me because he says I am BS-ing him and I am dishonest. He is right I am. The reason is he can’t handle the truth. We got married 3 years and 10 months ago. From the first week of married I learned that he had problem listening. He WILL never admit that. According to him he listens when I am reasonable and not talk out off by butt. One example is, the 2nd year of our marriage we are having a dinner party for his daughter’s Confirmation (Jewish). I had work to 3 pm and we had to have dinner at 5.30 because we had to be at the Temple at 6.30 for the ceremony. 

I was the cook. So I had 2 hours to prepare dinner for about 12 people (my mother/father-in-law, aunt, uncle etc. I was preparing, shopping and getting ready a couple day before, because I wouldn’t have time to do so the day of the party. 
My husband said he wants to invite couple of friends too. I told him no. I said that would be too many people and I wont be able to cook and have table ready (I am only 1 person, and worked since 7.30am-3pm and I would be tired) and I suggested to have only family over. 
He was so mad at me and said it’s not everyday his daughter was having that ceremony and besides who the hell I am to make that decision. We were very poor and we could not order food or get help so I was all along preparing. 
He didn’t talk to me for a couple weeks after that and was very mad at me. When I brought up and said he had to understand I was only 1 person and that wasn’t cool to keep adding guests. I understand that it was once in a life time event. But he had to understand I couldn’t host for so many people in 2 hours. Then he said he was inviting the friends to the Temple and not for dinner!!!!! Well I don’t know if he was telling the truth or he made that up to make it look like my fault (because according to him I never listen). Well I was the bad guy because I *****ed at him and made him mad at his daughter’s party/ceremony. So all the shopping, cooking, table setting etc were gone without any credit on my account. 
I told him I thought he was inviting them for dinner that’s why I protested. He never understood!!!
Through our lives together this has been repeating. If I tell him about something I am unhappy about he will get defensive and through something on my face. If I complain about something his daughter did (like spitting on the door steep) he would say “your daughter didn’t take out the trash as she is suppose too”. Then if I say honey no need to get defensive. I am not attacking I am just saying she needs to stop, because it’s disgusting and besides she has mononucleosis and it’s contagious. Then he would say hummm why she didn’t spit in the plant (plants around the porch)!!!! 
Well I learned to keep my complains to my self, because I am scared to share. He gets so mad and bomb me with what ever I or my kids wrong that he will become the victim and I am the bad guy, again!! 
That makes me frustrated and mad but I just learned to bit my tongue and shut up. Now I am BS-er and dishonest. He left me and rented a place in Arizona where he from (we live in California). He stays there and we talk on the phone once in a while very cold. I am sure he wants to divorce but he doesn’t want to be the one to initiate it.
I don’t know how to make him understand he has issues too. I don’t want to get a divorce, I love him. 
Any advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He wants honesty, give him honesty. What have you got to lose at this point?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

:iagree:

Hiding or suppressing how you feel is never a good idea and it won't work long term. Tell him the truth. If he blows up and hangs up on you so what - he's in AZ right? Next time you talk - tell him the truth again. Eventually he'll either get the message or initiate divorce proceedings. Like PBear said - what have you got to lose?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And, why cant he help with the cooking for the event?


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## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

Ya he is still at AZ. He couldn't help cuz he was at work and came home around 5 and by then I was done anyway. 

You are right, I need to tell him. He needs to know but I rather have a face to face conversation. The challenge is to get him home. Thank you everybody for the advice.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> He wants honesty, give him honesty. What have you got to lose at this point?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

My husband''s b*llsh*ting me about that kind of things too""no i meant the other thing ,you don''t listen"" so that i''ll be the bad guy too. don''t let him think he fooled you. If he wanted you to understand him right he'd make that happen .


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Feel said:


> From the first week of married I learned that he had problem listening.


Feel, perhaps your H does have a listening problem. What you are describing, however, cannot be explained by that. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, always being "the victim," always being "right," passive-aggressive remarks, icy withdrawal, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. 

Yet, for your purposes of deciding whether to stay married to him, it really does not matter whether his BPD traits are at the diagnostic level. Even when they are well below that level, they can make your life miserable and undermine your marriage. That is, a man whose BPD traits are at 70% of the diagnostic level can be almost as difficult as a man at 100%. At issue, then, is whether he is a "BPDer," i.e., has most BPD traits a strong level, regardless of whether they are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic level.

I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that, after living with him for 4 years, you will be able to spot the red flags, i.e., the strong occurrences of such traits -- if you take time to find out what traits to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and days of icy withdrawal. I therefore suggest that you read more about these traits to see if most sound very familiar to you.


> I told him I thought he was inviting them for dinner that’s why I protested. He never understood!!! Through our lives together this has been repeating.


If your H is a BPDer, he likely heard exactly what you were saying and he understood perfectly. It is common with BPDers to "rewrite history" in their minds. One reason is that, because it is so painful for them to admit a mistake, they will flat-out lie when you corner them.

The primary reason, however, is their heavy reliance on "projection" to protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. The beauty of projection is that, unlike a lie, it creates no feeling of guilt whatsoever. This is possible because projection works entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDer to consciously believe that the projection is true. 

The result is that, whenever a BPDer experiences intense feelings, he usually will be absolutely convinced that such strong feelings must reflect reality. To justify those feelings, his subconscious will project all sorts of false intentions and motivations onto you. This is why BPD itself is said to create "thought distortions." 

And this is why you will hear an intelligent BPDer saying such irrational, ridiculous things that you will simply marvel that any adult is capable of saying that nonsense while holding a straight face at the same time. With my exW, for example, I quickly learned that it was futile to try to separate these distorted-but-sincere misperceptions from her outright lies. I would have driven myself crazy had I tried to do so.


> He always told me that it’s history of his life to be ignored and disrespected. ...He says what ever in his life got was broken. ...he was adopted and he always felt like an outsider.... He says his opinions never mattered.(From your 3/31/12 thread.)


One hallmark of BPDers is the strong feeling -- which starts in early childhood and is carried throughout their adult lives -- of being INVALIDATED. This typically results when a parent is always telling the child that his feelings don't matter -- or when the parent is emotionally unavailable.

Even when the parents are doing everything right, the child nonetheless may feel he is being invalidated and ignored if he inherits a genetic predisposition to being thin-skinned and over-sensitive. Significantly, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of diagnosed BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.


> Well I learned to keep my complaints to myself, because I am scared to share.


Your tip-toeing behavior -- of avoiding tantrums by not being yourself -- is called "walking on eggshells" and it is how the spouses of BPDers usually behave. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> He didn’t talk to me for a couple weeks after that and was very mad at me.


This quiet sulking and icy withdrawal is called "acting in." BPDers carry enormous anger and shame inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing to TRIGGER the anger that is already there, right under his skin. And, if you don't say or do the minor thing, the anger will manifest itself anyway because a BPDer's subconscious mind will project a malicious thought or feeling onto you. The anger releases therefore are unavoidable (but, granted, you can keep them to a minimum by saying absolutely nothing).

I mention this to explain that, when a BPDer releases his anger, it will usually take the form of "acting out," i.e., his turning the anger outward on you with verbal abuse. Sometimes, however, a BPDer will turn the anger inward. In that case, you will not be subjected to verbal abuse and temper tantrums. 

Of course, this does not mean that you escape punishment. You must be punished because he is convinced he is always "the victim" and you are "the perpetrator" when he is angry. He therefore will punish you during those "acting in" times with passive-aggressive snide remarks and icy withdrawal. 

Although all BPDers flip back and forth between acting out and acting in, the vast majority will "act out" nearly all the time when showing anger. This is why BPDers are so strongly associated with rages and temper tantrums. However, a small share (perhaps 10%) of BPDers nearly always do only the acting in when releasing anger. Because they rarely throw temper tantrums, they are referred to as the "waif" BPDers or the "quiet borderlines."


> I am sure he wants to divorce but he doesn’t want to be the one to initiate it.


If he is a BPDer, he keeps a death grip on his false self image of being the perpetual VICTIM. Hence, if he ever does decide to walk away, he will do everything he can to make it look like you abandoned him. 

In my 15 year marriage, for example, my exW ended it by having me thrown in jail on a bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Before I could get before a judge and be released, she had already obtained a restraining order that prevented me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce in this state). The divorce was granted pursuant to HER petition (made in response to my petition for divorce). 

Yet, during the divorce hearing when my exW was testifying, she told the judge that she really did not want the divorce. On hearing that, the judge simply rolled her eyes and granted the petition (i.e., my exW's petition) anyway. Of course, my exW still tells everyone that I abandoned her.


> I don’t know how to make him understand he has issues too.


If you figure out how to make a BPDer become self aware and see his own issues, you will make yourself billions of dollars. Like the other personality disorders, BPD is said to be "ego-syntonic." This means that the distorted thinking is such a natural part of the way he's been thinking since the age of 3 that the distortions -- and resulting issues -- are invisible to him.

A small portion of BPDers are self aware, however. I know because I've communicated with nearly a hundred of them online over the past five years. Such is the wonder of the Internet. In my private life, however, I've never knowingly met such a person. Moreover, even when the BPDer is self aware, they usually still lack the ego strength to go through the painful, lengthy process of learning how to manage their issues.


> Any advice?


As an initial matter, I believe you will get far better advice here on TAM if you confine your discussions to only one or two well-tended threads that you keep alive by giving regular updates. When you start 4 or 5 new threads on the same subject (i.e., your abusive H), readers lose all of the detailed history presented in your earlier threads. Very few members will do as I did and go back to those earlier threads.

If you are still unwilling to leave this abusive man, my advice is that you find out exactly what it is you are dealing with. I therefore encourage you to see a clinical psychologist -- _on your own_ for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what your H's issues likely are and why you are willing to tolerate the verbal abuse.

While you are waiting for an appointment, I suggest you read more about the nine BPD traits to see if most of them accurately describe his behavior. I mentioned an excellent book above. Another easy place to start reading -- here on the TAM forum -- is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Feel.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

BPD is only one possibility in these scenarios Uptown. There are a lot of other reasons why people behave in certain ways.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I won't elaborate, but know you are not the only person who is/has gone/going through this (spouse wise). 

Uptown gives very good advice and explains well about BPD.

You are not alone. Stay strong.

And for my 2 cents, if he's already left, you will be wasting air trying to tell him how you feel. Write a letter and mail it.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If he is right to leave him even if he leaves you, so he should consider your preparations have no confidence that he was not aware of it


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

If you are like me, you are reluctant to be honest because you know you will catch hell from H at any mistake. Criticism is probably very painful to you. I have had a hard time being honest, just like you, because of my husbands reaction to things going the way he does not like (blaming, meanness). I am still working on being firm in my convictions that I am doing the right thing, and telling him the truth about it firmly regardless if he disapproves. He will disapprove, and he will hassle me, but it is a relief to both of us to have the truth out there and it causes less conflict in the long run.

Clench your teeth, call him and tell him the unvarnished truth about the whatever he wants to know. It will be a burden released.

(By the way, don't disregard the info about BPD. I found out about this by reading this website, and it has helped me a lot with understanding/dealing with my H.)


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