# Who Initiates the Sex in Your Relationship?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

With me and my SO, it's me about 98% of the time. I wish she'd initiate more often and I've discussed it with her, but she just says that it's not her way. It follows too that she's not assertive during sex either. She's got a great body, is flexible and willing to go with just about whatever I want to do, but she never takes charge. Her idea of coming on to me is coming to bed naked, but I still have to make the first move. 

Is this unusual? Do others have this issue or even care about it? Our sex life isn't bad and she always gets off at least once and always first. We can get wild, but it's always me running the show, moving her around and telling her what to do. I've been trying to dirty talk more to get more feedback and soliscit more enthusiasm, and it's working somewhat. She's affectionate in other ways outside of the bed. I'd just like her to act like she really wants me and make the first move a little more often.

Thoughts?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Currently, nobody is initiating. Under happier circumstances, I initiate 100% of the time. Under ideal circumstances it would be 50/50.

Discuss scheduling sex. It can take the pressure off both parties to initiate. If she's up for that, you can try slowly getting her to take on more responsibility by taking turns setting the mood, getting the room ready in whatever way you both want, etc.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Currently, nobody is initiating. Under happier circumstances, I initiate 100% of the time. Under ideal circumstances it would be 50/50.
> 
> Discuss scheduling sex. It can take the pressure off both parties to initiate. If she's up for that, you can try slowly getting her to take on more responsibility by taking turns setting the mood, getting the room ready in whatever way you both want, etc.


That's a good idea. She has almost never turned me down, and she seems to enjoy it once we're going. I do a lot to set the mood with music, lighting, etc, and she does tell me she appreciates that. I think part of the problem is that she's coming from a marriage in which it was more or less scheduled on Friday "date-nights" and her Ex would pretty much watch porn and do his thing while she used a vibrator on herself to get off. She says it lacked any intimacy and they hardly even looked at each other much less kissed or really engaged. We do a ton of that (latter) and I love the direct eye contact while coming. Huge turn on for me, but I digress. She takes great care of herself and looks great, and I sometimes wonder if the Ex sort of used her like a sex doll without really engaging, so maybe she thinks that looking good is all she has to do as her part in our sex life. Look good and be available when I want her. Does that make sense? 


Hyper-analizing a bit here, but mainly thinking out loud. Eventually, it might become a bigger issue for me if she is always passive about sex. She also is affected a lot by stress and says it helps to drink. That she has a hard time relaxing and getting in the mood without a ****tail or two. It is true that the horniest I've ever seen her is when she's really drunk. Probably not unusual, though.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I (the wife) used to initiate 99% of the time.

I got tired of it, quit initiating, and we had several discussions about it.

Now he usually initiates.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

I initiate 100% of the time, which is pretty much hardly at all any more, since I get shot down 99% of the time when I try. Had sex twice in 2013, doing a little better this year, already up to five times, and there's still a couple of months left. 

I sometimes wonder if a lot of these rejections are me giving up too quickly. Like I'll start being a little affectionate, and if she doesn't respond in a way that makes it seem like my affection is wanted, I give up pretty quickly and go away feeling frustrated and bitter, and that much less interested in even bothering to try in the future. I don't know if this is me being thin-skinned or if it's just a learned response to years of rejection when I actually did try harder and didn't give up so easily. I honestly don't remember.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Nobody does any more - we don't have sex. When I have initiated in the past, I've been turned down. I've dressed in a sexy fishnet bodystocking (for the bedroom only) and crawled up the bed towards him, only to find he'd fallen asleep by the time I reached his head. The constant rejection of knowing he doesn't want sex with me has got me to the stage where I'm too scared to initiate. Any more direct rejection would just cause further problems.

I would give absolutely anything to feel wanted and desirable - this knowing my man does not want me is really having a detrimental effect on me in all sorts of ways.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both do, but I think she initiates a little more often. With rare exceptions, it's at least once daily that one of us does.

(With my ex, it was 100% me, and she was the 99% responsive denier.)


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Neither of us initiate. Therefore we do not have sex.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Wow! This has taken a different direction than I thought. I'm sorry to hear that you all are in such dire straights in that area. 

Unfortunately, I do think that if it is always left to one person to initiate, he/she will stop trying due to the impression that the other doesn't care enough to make the effort. Most nights even when my SO and I both know we're likely to do something, she will put her pajamas on (unsexy ones, generally) and curl up in bed like she's going to go to sleep while I get ready for bed (she always gets ready first). When I climb in, she's on her side facing away from me like she's sleeping and it's up to me to start something. Sometimes I don't bother, and then after laying there for 15 minutes doing nothing or even the next morning, she'll ask what's wrong and why aren't having or didn't have sex? I'll explain that her body language made it seem like she didn't want to, and she'll say things like "I was cold and you took too long getting ready for bed" ( I just brushed my teeth and cleaned up, 5min max) or "well, I was tired and/or stressed and needed some encouragement to get in the mood", or "I thought you'd put some music on" or something like that. It's always on me and gets kind of annoying. 

That's why I say that I can understand how this can grow into a much bigger issue. Everyone wants to feel desired, and this kind of scenario certainly doesn't give one the impression he or she is desired. Eventually we stop trying. Seems like it should be a two way street with equal effort on both sides, or at least close to that.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tommy518, my former marriage was a lot like your wife's previous marriage, so I hope my perspective can help.

Early in my marriage, I initiated a lot--I'm HD--and my XH never initiated, and turned me down probably 50% of the time. Both of these made me feel undesired and unloved, and so eventually I stopped initiating altogether. If I didn't initiate, I couldn't feel the pain of rejection. Like your wife's previous marriage, when we did have sex, it was very impersonal and detached, which made me feel even worse. I put up a wall there because I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore; in the last year or two of my marriage, we could only do it if we had both been drinking, too. The alcohol helped me forget my pain for just long enough... 

That being said, it is a huge turn-on for me when the man initiates. HUGE. And it may be the same for your wife. When the man initiates, it makes me feel desired, attractive and loved. The more loved and desired I feel, the more likely I am to initiate myself, because I'll be thinking about sex that much more. You didn't mention the frequency of sex in your posts, but I'm guessing... if you're asking, then the frequency isn't as often as you might like?

(Also, physical touch is my primary love language, which may be informing my opinions.)

Even though she's in a better marriage now, with a better partner, those old behaviors can be hard to break. I would suggest not waiting until you both turn in for the night--there's a good chance that she's tired, thinking about all the stuff she has to do tomorrow, etc. If she's stressed out, there is no better stress reliever than sex!

Have you talked with her about this, specifically? Maybe she's worried that you'll reject her.

You mentioned that you do things like candles, set the mood lighting, etc.... some women need even more priming than that, and maybe that's something. Try flirting with her in the morning before you both leave, or send her some flirty texts during the day, stuff to get her in the mood early, so she's thinking about it before she gets home. 

Just some thoughts


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks FIP. I appreciate your insight.

I'm sure you're right about her past affecting her present habits. There's also other factors not mentioned. We aren't living together and she has half custody of their kids, so that influences things. We do have sex most nights we're together, but that's 2-4 times per week. At first, she wasn't comfortable locking the door when the kids were home, but necessity changed that. We're well matched in terms of our drive and how often we want it, but she doesn't always make her desires clear. As you mentioned, we do usually leave things until the end of the night, when we both tend to be exhausted, which doesn't help. If the kids are there, earlier doesn't work for obvious reasons, but I need to get better about attacking her early when they aren't. She's always showered and shaved and ready to go when I arrive, so I need to be more proactive. She's never turned me down when I've done the "spontaneous ravage" before and she seems to love it. 

BTW, to my other point, do you take the reins once you're going, or let him control things? I'd like her to take charge now and then, but she generally lets me run the show. She does talk some and digs her nails in to encourage me when I'm getting (playfully) rough, but seems used to the man calling the shots. Just curious.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

most of the time it is me.

But i did notice an interesting phenomenon lately. Like last night, we were watching patriots football game. Real Sex was on HBO. I cruised over there during a commercial, and some guy was motorboating a woman's bewbs. I said "thats what i like".

Then later i was in the bedroom, and she came over and forced her bewbs to my mouth to motorboat. maybe i am onto something? monkey see monkey do


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> most of the time it is me.
> 
> But i did notice an interesting phenomenon lately. Like last night, we were watching patriots football game. Real Sex was on HBO. I cruised over there during a commercial, and some guy was motorboating a woman's bewbs. I said "thats what i like".
> 
> Then later i was in the bedroom, and she came over and forced her bewbs to my mouth to motorboat. maybe i am onto something? monkey see monkey do


I've never understood the appeal of motorboating a set of boobs so have never tried it, but I'm willing to give it a shot.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tommy518-- before my ex-marriage, I had no problems taking the reins. But my ex-husband didn't like anything that I did, and I tried everything in my arsenal; I asked him what he would like me to do, and he pretty much shrugged it off. So very quickly, during sex with him, I was reduced to a passive partner, because whenever I tried to be an active partner, whatever I did turned him off.

That makes it harder for me to be a more active partner now; my participation is much closer to your wife's. To be honest, when I have sex now, I'm just so happy to be getting some after being in a sexless marriage for such a long time, and it just feels so good and so new, it doesn't even occur to me to think how I could be more active partner, in the moment. With my recent BF, a few times I took control, but I needed his encouragement to do it. And part of me has forgotten all those little "tricks" and whatnot that I picked up in college. So I've been thinking I need to read up a little more and make an active effort in that area.

Unfortunately, the fun sexy boyfriend and I recently broke up, so I'll have to wait on that a little :/

But also... I prefer a guy who's really alpha in bed, which means I'll be a little more passive/submissive. Because I WANT him to be in charge. I can be really demanding/assertive outside the bedroom and in my professional life, and I want the exact opposite behind closed doors. The fun sexy xb knew what I wanted, and he was more than happy to be the alpha in bed, so I never felt like I needed to be more active.

Do you need her to be more active? Or are you concerned that her passivity is a sign of discontent? She says this is just the way that she is, and that may be the truth. I know that many of us women say one thing and mean another, but sometimes we mean exactly what we say. But if you really want her to be more active, you may need to lead her in that direction; there may be a part of her that needs your "permission" or encouragement. Or maybe, like me, she doesn't know what you would like for her to do. We're told from early on that all a guy really needs is PIV, so anything else we might do is unnecessary.

Hope that helps


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

:iagree:

Wow this is me!

I'm a very confident and dominate person in my general life, but in the bedroom I would prefer the man to be alpha. 

My husband also _"doesn't like anything that I do, and I tried everything in my arsenal; I ask him what he would like me to do, and he pretty much shrugs it off." _

So I've turned into a somewhat passive partner. But he won't tell me how to improve or be more active, he just complains.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> Tommy518-- before my ex-marriage, I had no problems.... We're told from early on that all a guy really needs is PIV, so anything else we might do is unnecessary.
> 
> Hope that helps


Thanks FIP. I'll talk to her. I don't think I consistently need her to be more aggressive, but think it would be a nice change now and then. I tend to be the alpha in bed myself and like that role generally. I imagine I'm sending her mixed messages. I can't really expect her to take charge when I'm holding her down and (physically) manipulating her every which way. She's good at taking guidance if I tell her to go down on me or use her hands or whatever. It's just always my idea, but again, I can't fault her for that if I'm continuing to take charge. We have a good sex life, so I'm not complaining. Like you, she's a strong and assertive woman in her job and I think likes the man to take charge in bed. She has surprised me on rare occasion with unsolicited and sometimes fairly public sex, so it's not completely black and white. 

I think we're going to be together for a long time, so I guess I'm fine tuning things and since I don't have a ton of dating experience, I like to poll others and find out what they're experiencing. It's always helpful and interesting to get other points of view, particularly (for me) from women.

Oh, and PS. ... When I first was divorced, I did a lot of reading on technique and what women like in and out of bed, because I figured I was pretty rusty after a long marriage. It was well worth it, as I learned a lot and the feedback has been very positive. There's nothing wrong with brushing up on those skills and learning some new things. My Kindle has been my most valuable tool in that area. Not sure if there's an equivalent amount of info out there for women about men (seems like all anyone cares about is satisfying the woman), but worth looking. Just sayin...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Tommy518, my former marriage was a lot like your wife's previous marriage, so I hope my perspective can help.
> 
> Early in my marriage, I initiated a lot--I'm HD--and my XH never initiated, and turned me down probably 50% of the time. Both of these made me feel undesired and unloved, and so eventually I stopped initiating altogether. If I didn't initiate, I couldn't feel the pain of rejection. Like your wife's previous marriage, when we did have sex, it was very impersonal and detached, which made me feel even worse. I put up a wall there because I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore; in the last year or two of my marriage, we could only do it if we had both been drinking, too. The alcohol helped me forget my pain for just long enough...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Hello, are you my twin?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Wow this is me!
> 
> ...


My ex-husband didn't complain, but he also wasn't very alpha or engaged, and he lacked passion. So not only was I passive, I didn't get what I wanted! My XH was very robotic and repetitive. It was exactly the same, every time. It was so, SO boring, and it hurt that he didn't care enough to make sure that I got what I wanted (even though I asked!). 

Sorry for the slight hijack, Tommy


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> My ex-husband didn't complain, but he also wasn't very alpha or engaged, and he lacked passion. So not only was I passive, I didn't get what I wanted! My XH was very robotic and repetitive. It was exactly the same, every time. It was so, SO boring, and it hurt that he didn't care enough to make sure that I got what I wanted (even though I asked!).
> 
> Sorry for the slight hijack, Tommy


Sorry I should clarify. He doesn't complain. Only if I bring it up, or ask him how I can get him more engaged, or passionate. 

That is mine. Same foreplay, same kissing, no passion. Boring...


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

I do 95% of the times. The other 5% is when my Mrs is a bit tipsy and worked up ?? 

My ex-wife initiated about 50% of the time in our 4 year marriage and it's probably the only thing I miss about her !?!?


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> My ex-husband didn't complain, but he also wasn't very alpha or engaged, and he lacked passion. So not only was I passive, I didn't get what I wanted! My XH was very robotic and repetitive. It was exactly the same, every time. It was so, SO boring, and it hurt that he didn't care enough to make sure that I got what I wanted (even though I asked!).
> 
> Sorry for the slight hijack, Tommy


You're forgiven.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

For me, used to be 50/50. Frankly, I have learnt here on TAM that there are women who never refuse but also never initiate. AT first I thougth that they all have issues with their husbands and do it just to keep the appearances, but the more I read the clearer it is these are simply LDs. I refused many times when I was not in a mood, or pissed with him, but I also chased after him at other times, to the point that he complained that is all I need from him.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> For me, used to be 50/50. Frankly, I have learnt here on TAM that there are women who never refuse but also never initiate. AT first I thougth that they all have issues with their husbands and do it just to keep the appearances, but the more I read the clearer it is these are simply LDs. I refused many times when I was not in a mood, or pissed with him, but I also chased after him at other times, to the point that he complained that is all I need from him.


I'm one of those women who never initiate but never refuse either and I'm HD. The reason I don't initiate is that I can't take the rejection. The indirect rejection of knowing your man doesn't want you and won't initiate is difficult enough to cope with (it's there in the back of your mind, 24/7, reminding you that you are undesirable and unwanted) so direct rejection is something I avoid. It has happened a few times and it just makes the situation so much worse. However, just because I'm not initiating doesn't mean I'm LD. I'm HD and absolutely desperate to get some sex but I know that my husband doesn't want it and certainly wouldn't make the effort to get busy just because I feel horny.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

doobie said:


> I'm one of those women who never initiate but never refuse either and I'm HD. The reason I don't initiate is that I can't take the rejection. The indirect rejection of knowing your man doesn't want you and won't initiate is difficult enough to cope with (it's there in the back of your mind, 24/7, reminding you that you are undesirable and unwanted) so direct rejection is something I avoid. It has happened a few times and it just makes the situation so much worse. However, just because I'm not initiating doesn't mean I'm LD. I'm HD and absolutely desperate to get some sex but I know that my husband doesn't want it and certainly wouldn't make the effort to get busy just because I feel horny.


Doobie, this was exactly how I felt in my marriage. I stopped initiating because the constant rejection was too painful. I understand and appreciate a partner's right to say "no" with legitimate reason, but constantly? Constant rejection has no place in a loving relationship.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Tommy518 said:


> With me and my SO, it's me about 98% of the time. I wish she'd initiate more often and I've discussed it with her, but she just says that it's not her way. It follows too that she's not assertive during sex either. She's got a great body, is flexible and willing to go with just about whatever I want to do, but she never takes charge. *Her idea of coming on to me is coming to bed naked, but I still have to make the first move. *
> Is this unusual? Do others have this issue or even care about it? Our sex life isn't bad and she always gets off at least once and always first. We can get wild, but it's always me running the show, moving her around and telling her what to do. I've been trying to dirty talk more to get more feedback and soliscit more enthusiasm, and it's working somewhat. She's affectionate in other ways outside of the bed. I'd just like her to act like she really wants me and make the first move a little more often.
> 
> Thoughts?


I have the same type of wife. The *bolded* part above made me laugh, because I thought I was the only one!

The rest of it is pretty much exactly the same as me, too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have a different answer for the various phases of our marriage...

When my husband was higher drive, I'd say he initiated *70%* of the time ...those 1st sexual moves to express desire...(french kissing, touching erotically) ....I was always an initiator though when those feelings came upon me.. I'd chase him down & come on strongly...he especially loved when I came on to him...sometimes he waited for it even. 

When my Drive was higher.. (8 month "insane" phase) ...It *seemed like 90% *of the time I was initiating (though he wouldn't agree with this at all - saying I am not giving him enough credit)....

Now it's about *50 /50*... it's more of a "I know you want it too...let's work it up"... it's a great place to be... having our drives in sync ...


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

Everyone wants to feel desirable. I think it is Married Mans Sex Life that has some good information about responsive desire. Most men have spontaneous desire. Sex sort of pops into our heads and we are ready to go. Most women don't work like this. They have responsive desire. They need to warm up to the idea. I don't mean foreplay. I mean feeling generally sexy throughout the day/week/month/all the time. Men express desire by initiating sex, women express desire by having sex, in general.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

doobie said:


> I'm one of those women who never initiate but never refuse either and I'm HD. The reason I don't initiate is that I can't take the rejection. The indirect rejection of knowing your man doesn't want you and won't initiate is difficult enough to cope with (it's there in the back of your mind, 24/7, reminding you that you are undesirable and unwanted) so direct rejection is something I avoid. It has happened a few times and it just makes the situation so much worse. However, just because I'm not initiating doesn't mean I'm LD. I'm HD and absolutely desperate to get some sex but I know that my husband doesn't want it and certainly wouldn't make the effort to get busy just because I feel horny.


doobie, that's understandable in situation like this. I was thinking about those posters complaining about spouses never initiating, just because they do not think much about sex. This was new to me.

But you I do understand. Althgouh I had pretty good sex live in my marriage (which is rocky now), I did give up on suggestions of something more kinky, getting new toys, etc., as never got the response to it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

First off, I am mortified at all the sexless marriages represented here! I wish I could possess some of the limp husbands out there. Good God! If Mrs. Conan came at me in fishnet anything, she wouldn't be able to walk the next day! What a tragedy!

Anyhow... To OP. 

Been with my wife for 23 years and for the first 22, I initiated about 90%. Last year I found TAM and started communicating my feelings as well as thoughts. I started working harder on my marriage and got her to as well.

After much work and some uncomfortable moments, she now initiates about 40%. She has also upped her game and will not only initiate but actually seduce me in creative ways!

Your wife sounds wonderful. It may just take some loving conversations and maybe some exercises (games) to get her more confident and aggressive.

One thing I did was take one day in home, no kids, friends, relatives, just us. 

We were to have sex twice. One time whatever I instructed,orchestrated she would oblige, within reason, positions, pace furniture,etc... And then it was to be her turn.

Well she went first and it was so empowering for her that I pretty much melted in her heat! When she was done with me, I had literally no strength left to have my way with her. I am extremely HD so that is saying something when I get worn out after one session!

Anyway, it can be worked on. She might just need confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

doobie said:


> I'm one of those women who never initiate but never refuse either and I'm HD. The reason I don't initiate is that I can't take the rejection. The indirect rejection of knowing your man doesn't want you and won't initiate is difficult enough to cope with (it's there in the back of your mind, 24/7, reminding you that you are undesirable and unwanted) so direct rejection is something I avoid. It has happened a few times and it just makes the situation so much worse. However, just because I'm not initiating doesn't mean I'm LD.


I can't imagine how frustrating this situation is for a woman. You must read countless rants and tales of despair from men who would kill for a wife who desired sex and intimacy. For myself, there is at least the realization (though very little comfort comes from it) that I'm hardly alone as an unfulfilled HD husband. 

Reading some of your other posts, I believe we're quite similar. I'd answer the poll question the same way - I used to initiate 90% of the time, then 100% and now neither of us initiate at all. Like you, I'm in good shape for my age and probably in better shape than the day I got married. I presented myself in the bedroom clean, in a positive mood, ready to talk, kiss, cuddle give a massage... whatever. I wore only the type and color underwear she used to say she liked... or nothing at all. You know how it goes. Rejection, excuses, indifference, rolling away and falling asleep without a word. The rejection used to make me question my worth and attractiveness. 

I'm still as HD as ever. I still maintain my fitness, my appearance and my openness should she decide to communicate or desire me. I hope you at least hold on to your self-worth and know that you have a lot to offer physically and emotionally to a man who deserved and wanted that connection. Strange place to be in, isn't it? Not quite ready to leave or seek what I'm missing elsewhere, but not at all allowing my self-image and self-worth to be destroyed by pleading or jumping through hoops constantly to have a tenth of my needs met. Nope.

He'll either decide to change or he won't. Be the best you can be and be someone he knows, whether he acknowledges it or not, could and would make another man very happy. And be very happy with another man. Either he'll get it or someone else will.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We both do but in very different ways. However our sex life is quite organic in that is just seems to happen naturally anyway, sort of like we are both initiating at the same time, we simply just have sex.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Why in the world does it even matter who "initiates" ?
Assuming sex is regular and mutually satisfying, what is the benefit of "keeping score" over who had the idea first on any given occasion?

Tommy518, why don't you read some more threads on here and I hope you realize just how lucky you really are that your biggest sex "issue" is that you make the first touch... but she then apparently jumps your bones.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

tommyr said:


> Why in the world does it even matter who "initiates" ?
> Assuming sex is regular and mutually satisfying, what is the benefit of "keeping score" over who had the idea first on any given occasion?
> 
> Tommy518, why don't you read some more threads on here and I hope you realize just how lucky you really are that your biggest sex "issue" is that you make the first touch... but she then apparently jumps your bones.


You're right. It's not bad, and from what I'm seeing here, it looks like I'm not too far out of the norm in terms of male initiation. I guess that's why we post these questions here sometimes, just to find out if our experience is unusual or just part of the norm. I have a wonderful woman and in the scale of things, this is not terribly important and likely easily resolved through discussion. In fact, yesterday she initiated all on her own, twice! ...so maybe I should just shut my big yap.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

Tommy518 said:


> With me and my SO, it's me about 98% of the time. I wish she'd initiate more often and I've discussed it with her, but she just says that it's not her way. It follows too that she's not assertive during sex either. She's got a great body, is flexible and willing to go with just about whatever I want to do, but she never takes charge. Her idea of coming on to me is coming to bed naked, but I still have to make the first move.
> 
> Is this unusual? Do others have this issue or even care about it? Our sex life isn't bad and she always gets off at least once and always first. We can get wild, but it's always me running the show, moving her around and telling her what to do. I've been trying to dirty talk more to get more feedback and soliscit more enthusiasm, and it's working somewhat. She's affectionate in other ways outside of the bed. I'd just like her to act like she really wants me and make the first move a little more often.
> 
> Thoughts?


Most of the time it's me. But once my wife gets worked up she's all gun hoe. I can usually tell just by her actions when she is horny. But since I am HD and she is LD I usually initiate. I never get turned down.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

tommyr said:


> *Why in the world does it even matter who "initiates" ?*
> Assuming sex is regular and mutually satisfying, what is the benefit of "keeping score" over who had the idea first on any given occasion?
> 
> Tommy518, why don't you read some more threads on here and I hope you realize just how lucky you really are that your biggest sex "issue" is that you make the first touch... but she then apparently jumps your bones.


Because both partners wants to feel desired sexually. If the woman never initiates and it's always the man then its obvious that the man desires her more than she does him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The underlying mindset we see in a lot of the HD wife and LD husband threads is the woman questioning her own attractiveness to her husband. Even if he never turned her down, and gets into it in the moment, she still eventually feels unattractive to her partner. That feeling often times goes both ways.

There are many people who would not really be bothered by doing all of the initiation, especially if they are never turned down, but there are also a lot who would begin to feel as if their partner could just take it or leave it, that they are willing to have sex with them. There is a difference between being willing to, and wanting to, and that makes some people feel pretty crappy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *The underlying mindset we see in a lot of the HD wife and LD husband threads is the woman questioning her own attractiveness to her husband. Even if he never turned her down, and gets into it in the moment, she still eventually feels unattractive to her partner. That feeling often times goes both ways.*
> 
> There are many people who would not really be bothered by doing all of the initiation, especially if they are never turned down, but there are also a lot who would begin to feel as if their partner could just take it or leave it, that they are willing to have sex with them. *There is a difference between being willing to, and wanting to, and that makes some people feel pretty crappy.*


Me and my husband are BOTH highly sensitive to each other's DESIRE.. I never realized it so much until I found myself the high drive partner .. I would get very emotional ... questioning if he still desired me like he used to... I let this build in my mind....and in reality ...it never belonged there..

I also learned...through our many deep talks on this....he didn't pursue me as much as he WANTED ME (in the past) for fear I would reject him.. that just hurt too much, even thinking about it...He is a sensitive one [email protected]#$ ...So much he wouldn't touch me if he felt I DIDN'T want to be there... 

What has been so wonderful about having these vulnerable conversations is ...we both come to realize just how much we want and need the same things from each other...I have come to treasure that sensitivity.. as I know HOW MUCH it means to him when I show my desire !!

I just wish I had more of handle on this back then.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

We both do, sometimes me more, sometimes her, but ultimately it about evens out.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The underlying mindset we see in a lot of the HD wife and LD husband threads is the woman questioning her own attractiveness to her husband. Even if he never turned her down, and gets into it in the moment, she still eventually feels unattractive to her partner. That feeling often times goes both ways.
> 
> There are many people who would not really be bothered by doing all of the initiation, especially if they are never turned down, but there are also a lot who would begin to feel as if their partner could just take it or leave it, that they are willing to have sex with them. There is a difference between being willing to, and wanting to, and that makes some people feel pretty crappy.


This is worth so many Like clicks.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Moops said:


> Because both partners wants to feel desired sexually. If the woman never initiates and it's always the man then its obvious that the man desires her more than she does him.


Well in a perfect world, I suppose sexual desire would be exactly equal for man and woman. And maybe in a laboratory, both man and woman really DO have equal sex drives. But in a *real* world, especially a married world with 2 working parents and active kids, there are alot of obstacles that seem to affect the sex drives differently.

So long as my partner shows interest/desire while we are having sex, I couldn't care less about who had the idea to start with.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

tommyr said:


> So long as my partner shows interest/desire while we are having sex, I couldn't care less about who had the idea to start with.


Great for you. Now, let's go back to those who do care, for this or that reason.


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## White.Rabbit (Feb 24, 2014)

In my current relationship, we both initiate and a cuddle on the sofa rarely ends that way, unless one of us is over tired or under the weather. 

However, in my previous relationship I went through a long phase of if I didn't initiate I didn't get and even then it was often difficult to get a response.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I could do better in the initiation department. Our sex life is almost perfect (3-4 times a week, and very good), but it's almost always her that initiates. It begins by us being on the couch at night. She starts rubbing me (then I know she's in the mood), I get hard, and away we go. 

Nothing wrong with this I suppose, except I think I need to start initiating more to let her know she's desirable to me.

I will make that effort.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> I could do better in the initiation department. Our sex life is almost perfect (3-4 times a week, and very good), but it's almost always her that initiates. It begins by us being on the couch at night. She starts rubbing me (then I know she's in the mood), I get hard, and away we go.
> 
> Nothing wrong with this I suppose, except *I think I need to start initiating more to let her know she's desirable to me*.
> 
> I will make that effort.


I think she'll like that. Be a little more alpha


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I think she'll like that. Be a little more alpha



Clearly the man is more than "alpha" enough considering he's got a woman hot to jump his bones 3-4 times a week and she's doing the majority of the hunting.

It doesn't get much more "alpha" than that.


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## ukdanielj (Oct 24, 2014)

My wife and I both initiate fairly equally, me perhaps just a little bit more. Before we got married, we made an agreement with each other that we would never turn the other down--understanding that this is hurtful and humiliating. We are both very physical with each other (sexual and non-sexual touch), and the touch is very obviously "different" depending on the desire. So, I can almost always tell when my wife wants sex by the way she is touching me or the way she is kissing me. It is just different. For her, I consider this "initiating." I don't recall a time that she she or I ever asked the other--"Do you want to have sex?"


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

jaquen said:


> Clearly the man is more than "alpha" enough considering he's got a woman hot to jump his bones 3-4 times a week and she's doing the majority of the hunting.
> 
> It doesn't get much more "alpha" than that.


Disagree.

My husband has a hot woman ready to jump his bones 24/7 and he is about as un "alpha" as you can get.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Neither anymore. I gave up trying.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Tommy518 said:


> With me and my SO, it's me about 98% of the time. I wish she'd initiate more often and I've discussed it with her, but she just says that it's not her way. It follows too that she's not assertive during sex either. She's got a great body, is flexible and willing to go with just about whatever I want to do, but she never takes charge. Her idea of coming on to me is coming to bed naked, but I still have to make the first move.
> 
> Is this unusual? Do others have this issue or even care about it? Our sex life isn't bad and she always gets off at least once and always first. We can get wild, but it's always me running the show, moving her around and telling her what to do. I've been trying to dirty talk more to get more feedback and soliscit more enthusiasm, and it's working somewhat. She's affectionate in other ways outside of the bed. I'd just like her to act like she really wants me and make the first move a little more often.
> 
> Thoughts?



Since my wifee is more LD, I did all the initiating. But she rejected me with an unlimited amount of excuses not to have sex, so I stopped initiating. She now initiates when and if we have sex.....I am HD by the way.

It should be, I initiate and we have sex........she initiates and we have sex.......not I initiate and we usually don't have sex........the classic LD vs HD dynamic.

THe sex is great when we have it, more now than before, since she is loosing weight and making huge changes, but the countless rejections took their toll and I honestly, when thinking about it now, don't initiate anymore.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

We both initiate, and I'd say it's close to 50-50. However, we do initiate differently. 

I tend toward the more subtle--I'm naked, I cuddle up to him, run my hands on his chest or subtly grind my hips into him until he takes over more forcefully. He tends towards the more forceful and will just roll me over and start to kiss me in a very possessive way and there is no question of what's going to happen next. I do initiate aggressively sometimes, and the does take the slow route sometimes, but our styles are clearly different. 

It took awhile after we came through a long sexual drought to get to the point where we both could initiate with confidence. He still can miss my cues sometimes, but that is largely my fault, because when I really, really am desperate for sex (typically right around ovulation) I am also more prone to taking it really, really hard if he would turn me down. So I end up getting more and more anxious if he doesn't initiate, which tends to make me more and more grumpy, which tends to discouraging him from even trying to initiate. He said he sometimes wishes I had a flashing "Fvck Me Please" sign built into my forehead so he didn't have to try and read my mind.


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## TimFrost (Sep 19, 2013)

Just a word of warning from my perspective.
Scheduling sex is okay as a short term fix but if done too long it becomes like a duty and chore. One or both of you will not feel like it when the time comes and the other will think it's their fault for the lack of desire at that moment. 
So ease into it but only on a temporary basis and remember to show love, respect, and desire, even when sex is not scheduled.


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## dwaynedsmith (Oct 26, 2014)

I do usually, but she has not had interest for quite some time


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> We both initiate, and I'd say it's close to 50-50. However, we do initiate differently.
> 
> I tend toward the more subtle--I'm naked, I cuddle up to him, run my hands on his chest or subtly grind my hips into him until he takes over more forcefully. He tends towards the more forceful and will just roll me over and start to kiss me in a very possessive way and there is no question of what's going to happen next. I do initiate aggressively sometimes, and the does take the slow route sometimes, but our styles are clearly different.
> 
> It took awhile after we came through a long sexual drought to get to the point where we both could initiate with confidence. He still can miss my cues sometimes, but that is largely my fault, because when I really, really am desperate for sex (typically right around ovulation) I am also more prone to taking it really, really hard if he would turn me down. So I end up getting more and more anxious if he doesn't initiate, which tends to make me more and more grumpy, which tends to discouraging him from even trying to initiate. He said he sometimes wishes I had a flashing "Fvck Me Please" sign built into my forehead so he didn't have to try and read my mind.


This is more along the lines of my wife and I. She is very subtle with the initiation, the same subtleness you describe. For her, getting into bed naked IS her way of screaming "Fvck me now", but sometimes it really drives me nuts. I just wish on occasion that she was more forceful and direct, outwardly show a little more urgency, need, desire to just take ME in the way she loves it when I just take her.

It is a forgone conclusion that we are going to have sex, so unless one of us actually asks the other if it would be alright to take the night off, it's going to happen, regardless of who initiates and how, and we are both going to really enjoy it because we both really want it.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

I do 😞😞


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Neither one of us says "Do you want to have sex"? We are usually cuddling at night or in the morning and if I'm in the mood I will start getting closer to him, touching and kissing him and he does the same if he is in the mood.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> He still can miss my cues sometimes, but that is largely my fault, because when I really, really am desperate for sex (typically right around ovulation) I am also more prone to taking it really, really hard if he would turn me down. So I end up getting more and more anxious if he doesn't initiate, which tends to make me more and more grumpy, which tends to discouraging him from even trying to initiate. He said he sometimes wishes I had a flashing "Fvck Me Please" sign built into my forehead so he didn't have to try and read my mind.


:iagree:

THIS IS ME!!


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

Last night was a nice surprise with both little ones in bed earlier than usual and the Mrs coming into the bedroom with her Ipad.

She wanted to show me a few " interesting " porn videos she had stumbled upon ?!!? Her subtle way of initiating I guess !!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Disagree.
> 
> My husband has a hot woman ready to jump his bones 24/7 and he is about as un "alpha" as you can get.



I think you totally missed the point of my quotation marks.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Tommy518 said:


> Do others have this issue or even care about it? ..
> Thoughts?


Yes it's an issue for me and I care.

My wife always refuses if I initiates but gets upset if I turn her down. For now I take what I can get but the resentment is growing. Last night I tried to initiate and was shot down like a Malaysian plane. She said "let's schedule this for Friday night". It was Tuesday and we have nothing going on that night or the Wednesday. I'm looking forward to saying no to her on Friday. 

For me it's important that both initiate equally. It lets me know that she wants me and cares about my desire for her. When it is only one sided, for me, then things get skewed.


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