# Jealousy



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I've never been one to be the jealous type.

But....

Recently I have noticed that I am getting so jealous over other women speaking/borderline flirting with my husband. This has happened on a few occasions in the past month so far.

Once was with the cashier at our local grocery store, another was with a waitress and a third time was with our friends girlfriend (it was a double date and I just felt like they were being overly friendly), and lately my neighbor is all of a sudden starting to bother me (she's much older than us, probably in her late 50s, single. ..but I SWEAR everytime my husband walks the dog she pops up out of her house and this week when he was home and I was at work she deicided to knock on our door to tell my husband about a neighborhood break in. She has NEVER knocked on our door in the past 13 months that we've been neighbors. 

Its driving me insane. 

I mean come on ...a waitress and the freaking cashier at our grocery store, while his wife was with him...am I losing my mind!?!

I did not say anything any of these times but I wanted to blurt out sooo bad "I'd appreciate it if you didn't flirt with my husband". The phrase was on the tip of my tongue each time and I'm usually the quiet type. I would normally never be outspoken enough to ever say that to someone. 

What is going on?! Why am I developing this blood boiling (yes I felt heat under my skin during these situations) jealousy and how do I keep it under control?!


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Have you told your husband about these feelings. While it sounds like he is not initiating or feeding the flirting, if he knew about your feelings he could.at least take steps to shut it down when a woman begins to flirt. I say this because the same thing was happening to me. And without even knowing it I was encouraging the flirting.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I have not told him. I'm kind of embarrassed! He definitely isn't initiating the flirting. Its not him at all. He is friendly to be polite, but not flirting friendly, just friendly. He responds back to these women in the same manner/tone that he would to my parents. 

I'm not sure why I'm becoming such a 'secret b*tch' to strangers that are friendly to my husband.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ano said:


> I've never been one to be the jealous type.
> 
> But....
> 
> ...


I don't think it's jealousy pre se.
What I'm seeing between the lines of what you wrote , is that you feel slighted or disrespected by these women because they flirt with him in front of you and act as if you are invisible.

The girls at the check out counter in the grocery, and a few other places we frequent, always flirt with me and I with them because I'm a very friendly type of person [ sometimes]. Whenever my wife's with me , they still flirt , but they would politely include my wife because they know that I'm married , and even when she's not around they don't cross the line.
It is understood.

I also note that your feelings are not directed at your husband , which is good.This could be so because subconsciously you recognize the source of the problem isn't with him, and it would be irrational to blame him for other's actions.
His reactions also seem to take your feelings into account. 
Even in your example of the next door neighbor , why can't she come over when you're around?
Her intent might not be bad , but it could be interpreted as a disrespect , especially if she continues along that trend.

So I really don't think your feelings are necessarily negative or that it's wrong to feel that way . You feel that way because you think your boundaries are being disrespected.
Maybe you should first sort out your thoughts and feelings and then explain to your husband exactly how you feel and together you guys could develop a strategy to deal with it.

Lol,just my perception of what's taking place.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If you are feeling insecure, that is his problem. He should inspire so much trust in you that even if he had to walk through a room with ten naked women, you would know that he would just go right through without stopping. After all, you give that same level of respect and commitment to him, right?


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Jealousy*



Caribbean Man said:


> I don't think it's jealousy pre se.
> What I'm seeing between the lines of what you wrote , is that you feel slighted or disrespected by these women because they flirt with him in front of you and act as if you are invisible.
> 
> The girls at the check out counter in the grocery, and a few other places we frequent, always flirt with me and I with them because I'm a very friendly type of person [ sometimes]. Whenever my wife's with me , they still flirt , but they would politely include my wife because they know that I'm married , and even when she's not around they don't cross the line.
> ...


I think you nailed it! Thank you!

But how do I approach this in conversation? It is completely out of my hands. I can't control the way other women speak to my husband. 

I don't want to sound like a crazy, jealous wife, even though that's what I'm turning in to!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, why do you not think your husband is the problem? 

He could shut the whole thing down immediately, with a change in his reaction to them. Going after other women is a weak strategy, imo. Puts way too much effort on you.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How is the behavior of others the husbands problem?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> How is the behavior of others the husbands problem?


It is bothering the wife. That should matter to him. He should do whatever is necessary to maintain her trust and sense of security in him. He can easily do that by changing his manner of interacting with others.

The OP has control over herself, influence over him . . . and not much of anything on anyone else. She can put her efforts where they will bear the most fruit..


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ano said:


> I think you nailed it! Thank you!
> 
> But how do I approach this in conversation? It is completely out of my hands. I can't control the way other women speak to my husband.
> 
> I don't want to sound like a crazy, jealous wife, even though that's what I'm turning in to!


Well that's the tricky part!

Anyway I think " Rayloveshiswife " has a good point.

Maybe you could try raise the topic with him in a non confrontational way [ when you've simmered down and gotten your feelings under control.] and gauge his response?
Then later on based on his response if he's surprised and / or fully understands what you're trying say, then you could tell him exactly how you felt about it.

But first , just tell him what you've noticed , I think he's sensitive enough to understand.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> It is bothering the wife. That should matter to him. He should do whatever is necessary to maintain her trust and sense of security in him. He can easily do that by changing his manner of interacting with others.
> 
> The OP has control over herself, influence over him . . . and not much of anything on anyone else. She can put her efforts where they will bear the most fruit..


If the cashier / waitress is flirting with her husband he may just think they are being nice....the wife is right there....if she has a problem she can open her mouth.
The OP has not stated that the husband even knows there is a issue.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> If the cashier / waitress is flirting with her husband he may just think they are being nice....the wife is right there....if she has a problem she can open her mouth.
> The OP has not stated that the husband even knows there is a issue.


She certainly needs to completely share her feelings with him. If he is stunned to hear what she thinks, I am sure he will try to reassure her. And he may examine his own conscience, too, to know that he is not unintentionally flirting with other women or leading them on in any way. She is not always with him, you know?

I think it is a bad idea for her to say anything to the other women. This is all on him, specifically a change in his behavior.

And if he truly is not leading them on in some way, the attention will drift away. People do not pursue where there is no response.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Jealousy and insecurities are a individuals issue. This husband may be the greatest husband in the world and handles himself above board. The person who may have to change the most is the wife. I also agree with CM I don't see this as much that's it's jealousy you are feeling OP. I think you feel you are feeling disrespected by these other women.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

jld said:


> It is bothering the wife. That should matter to him. He should do whatever is necessary to maintain her trust and sense of security in him. He can easily do that by changing his manner of interacting with others.


So he should become rude and surly to strangers to appease his wife's anxieties? I don't think that's a healthy solution. 

OP, this is a difficult question to answer all around because we can't see what's going on. It could very well be that your husband is encouraging this, it could also be that these are just saleswomen being nice to customers like they always do, and you are totally overreacting. Talk to your husband about this, but don't be surprised if he perceives their behavior totally differently than you do.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Jealousy and insecurities are a individuals issue. This husband may be the greatest husband in the world and handles himself above board. The person who may have to change the most is the wife. I also agree with CM I don't see this as much that's it's jealousy you are feeling OP. I think you feel you are feeling disrespected by these other women.


He could be helpful. If he wants to be.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Theseus said:


> So he should become rude and surly to strangers to appease his wife's anxieties? I don't think that's a healthy solution.
> 
> OP, this is a difficult question to answer all around because we can't see what's going on. It could very well be that your husband is encouraging this, it could also be that these are just saleswomen being nice to customers like they always do, and you are totally overreacting. Talk to your husband about this, but don't be surprised if he perceives their behavior totally differently than you do.


Rude and surly are not necessary. Polite and detached, with little eye contact and a professional manner, and an air of busyness, should do it.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

jld said:


> Rude and surly are not necessary. Polite and detached, with little eye contact and a professional manner, and an air of busyness, should do it.


You don't really know that for sure, the husband in this case could already be doing that. Anyway, I certainly understand not flirting, but I try to be friendly with everyone I meet. I'm certainly not going to change that to be "detached with an air of busyness" with people I routinely see during the day just because my spouse is insecure about other women (not saying that's necessarily the OP's case here). But that's just me.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Theseus said:


> You don't really know that for sure, the husband in this case could already be doing that. Anyway, I certainly understand not flirting, but I try to be friendly with everyone I meet. I'm certainly not going to change that to be "detached with an air of busyness" with people I routinely see during the day just because my spouse is insecure about other women (not saying that's necessarily the OP's case here). But that's just me.


I do not know anything for sure. My opinions are just my opinions.

She is worried about the people she sees him with. Just seeing him deflect their attention could reassure her.

I guess what he is willing to do depends on how much he cares about her feelings. I think she needs to be reassured. Is he willing to meet that need?


----------



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

From what I read, the jealousy is bubbling up from inside you because you're feeling a little insecure. You observed no reciprocating signs from your H to these women, so he is either just oblivious to it, or it doesn't matter what these women say because he's married and he's in love with his wife. 

Like Caribbean Man said you are not directing your anger at your H, and I think it's because your instinct is not that H is the offender, it's these other women. I'm not sure exactly what was said/done by the women during the events, but depending on the individual they can naturally be just really friendly, and when you're feeling insecure it can translate into something bigger than it is. Maybe the cashier perked up a little bit because she finally got a good-looking, friendly guy in her line and just turned on the charm. Not that would excuse blatant flirting, but like I said you were there so if you're instinct was she was outright flirting and being suggestive, and purposefully ignoring you than that's wrong. And the waitress, same kind of idea. Was it very suggestive, or were you just noticing the extra attention he was getting? 

I brought my STBXH to my hometown in the midwest, and being Dominican, he was like a rare novelty item in my 98% white area. I remember going through the grocery line and the cashier was like, "ohhhh wheres you're accent from. It sounds so nice...." blah blah saying without saying "that voice would make me do anything and it would sound good in bed." It was rude, but she said it in such a passive way and giggly way, that responding in anger was not my reaction because it was a one-way interaction. I was a little shocked, but I snickered a little bit, and he kinda laughed without reciprocating the vibe while trying to get out of there ASAP....and I thought b*tch you have no idea. Haha! Made me want to take him in the back of the car after that actually. When we walked out I laughed and said "D*mn boo, I'm going to have to keep you under and lock and key around here" and we both laughed. But that's because I was secure in my relationship, I told him very clearly in the beginning that he should never EVER make me feel insecure, as soon as I get weird vibes from him or he starts acting shady, I'm gone. So I was able to react that way to a woman finding my husband attractive. I can't control other women, but my husband can control his reaction. I felt like he handled it appropriately, sloughing it off without being rude. He had my trust in the beginning and he never gave me a reason to break it.

Like quite a few posters said, I think you should tell him during a calm moment what happened and how you felt when it happened. He probably will be surprised. He will reassure you. 

You will need decide what he can do to reassure you when things like that happen. Ask him to touch you when something like that happens, just grab your hand or put his hand on the small of your back or your leg to create a connection. Even though it's happening he's acknowledging you and reassuring you. IDK just an idea! Maybe he will come up with his own solution. But I don't think you speaking up and being rude the woman (unless she's all up in his business, or puts her grubby hands on him) is a great solution. It makes you look unhinged. Nor should he, unless the situation really calls for it because a line has been crossed. IMO
Hope this helps!


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses!

My husband does not reciprocate the flirting. He is just simply friendly as a normal person would be to another stranger. The only incident that he did flirt back was when we went out with another couple but her boyfriend (my husbands very good friend) was sitting there too so it probably looked a lot worse in my eyes than it actually was. 

I do think the whole lack of respect from the other women plays a big part in this. The woman at the grocery story completely acted as if I wasn't there and she continued to try and flirt with my husband and even looked at my son and was like 'do you want a sticker? Well if.your daddy says its okay then you can have one". I was thinking hello!!! I am standing infront of you! My husband was down by where the bags were putting them in the cart and I was at the debit card machine with our son.

I do like what struggle mentioned about having him touch me for a sense of security. 

Reading all of your comments has made me see that this is probably less jealousy and more insecurity. 

I'm not sure what made it flare up all of a sudden after 6 and a half years. 

I still feel like a fool bringing it up in conversation. I guess I'm sort of hoping that it will go away and won't bother me anymore...the way it used to never bother me.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Jealousy*



richie33 said:


> If the cashier / waitress is flirting with her husband he may just think they are being nice....the wife is right there....if she has a problem she can open her mouth.
> The OP has not stated that the husband even knows there is a issue.


I definitely am confident when I say that my husband has no idea that there is an issue! He is not the type to blatantly disrespect me and he is very curtious of my feelings. 

If and when I do bring it up I'm pretty.positive that his reaction will be like "what?! That's ridiculous babe!"


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Theseus said:


> So he should become rude and surly to strangers to appease his wife's anxieties? I don't think that's a healthy solution.
> 
> OP, this is a difficult question to answer all around because we can't see what's going on. It could very well be that your husband is encouraging this,* it could also be that these are just saleswomen being nice to customers like they always do,* and you are totally overreacting. Talk to your husband about this, but don't be surprised if he perceives their behavior totally differently than you do.


If they were very good salespeople, they would know to include the both members of the couple.

Would you feel the same way if a husband felt aggrieved because waiters, maitre d's, bar tenders, salesmen seemed to give attention to his wife to his exclusion?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

We all know or have heard of the guy who starts a fight in a bar because someone else looked at his wife a little too greedily, even though she'd done nothing wrong.

Don't be that guy.

If other people find your spouse attractive, I guess you won, didn't you?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cletus said:


> We all know or have heard of the guy who starts a fight in a bar because someone else looked at his wife a little too greedily, even though she'd done nothing wrong.
> 
> Don't be that guy.
> 
> If other people find your spouse attractive, I guess you won, didn't you?


It depends on the situation. I had similar problems with my exH but these were with people in our social circles....ergo, people we saw regularly.

Granted, the OP here is only mentioning more superficial situations. I can easily surf over inappropriate behavior from a cashier..... but not from the wife of one of my husband's friends.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> It depends on the situation. I had similar problems with my exH but these were with people in our social circles....ergo, people we saw regularly.
> 
> Granted, the OP here is only mentioning more superficial situations. I can easily surf over inappropriate behavior from a cashier..... but not from the wife of one of my husband's friends.


Sure, having the next door neighbors over for dinner every week and watching one of them ogle your spouse like a popsicle on an August day is probably not something you should put up with for a long time.

But that's not what was outlined in the original description.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

My wife is secure that I am not going anywhere. This happens enough that we both joke about it. I don't think of myself as anything special, but apparently I do stand out at times.

There are times when we go to a restaurant with a long wait and my wife will joke that I should go to the hostess and flash some abs, pecs or arms to get us a table sooner.

At first it bothered both of us. But, it is now just a joke that we get to share together.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ano said:


> Reading all of your comments has made me see that this is probably less jealousy and more insecurity.
> 
> I'm not sure what made it flare up all of a sudden after 6 and a half years.
> 
> I still feel like a fool bringing it up in conversation. I guess I'm sort of hoping that it will go away and won't bother me anymore...the way it used to never bother me.


Yes, this. Don't expect your husband or random people to solve your internal issues. You didn't used to be insecure, but now you are (for no actual reason). You have to examine why these things are bothering you now when they didn't before.

What has changed for you recently? Why are your thoughts and feelings suddenly different? Are you feeling insecure about something in particular...like gaining weight, seeing some wrinkles in the mirror, something someone said to you? What could be triggering your reactions now all of a sudden?


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I like it when women flirt with my husband. I think it's cute.


----------

