# Sexual and Emotional Infidelity



## gatoluvr (Feb 15, 2012)

My husband and I have not been married very long. He was recently deployed and while on deployment he reconnected with an old friend. They ended up having an intimate relationship. I didn't find out about it until he returned when I found it on his computer. He was very forthright when I asked him. I gave him an ultimatum of either me or her. He couldn't decide and I didn't want to lose him so I compromised by saying he could be friends with her eventually however he and I needed to work on our relationship. He also stated that they had agreed that they would not continue the sexual relationship once he came home.
He informed her of our committment to each other and that we needed space to work on our relationship. She took it well at first or so I thought however she kept calling and emailing. He informed her again and the same thing happened. Over time I have found out that he was essentially telling her very negative things about me and our marriage while deployed. He also would tell her very complimentary things that go beyond mere friendship.
He has stated that he has had no contact with her since retelling her to stop contact via email. However I found out that they had a conversation about the whole thing. When I asked him if he had any contact with her in reference to the phone convesation he has denied it. Obviously I can't tell him that I am reading his email. I love him and believe he loves me but I can't seem to get passed the fact that he would share intimate details about our relationship to a female he had an intimate relationship with and I don't know if I can trust him. He has promised to tell me if/when she contacts him but now I am not so sure since he hasn't admitted to the phone conversation. I want to focus on our marriage and not her but how can I do this if I don't trust him?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You can't be in a marriage by yourself and right now you are.

You haven't been married long. If you don't have kids I truly think you need to move on.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

gatoluvr said:


> My husband and I have not been married very long. He was recently deployed and while on deployment he reconnected with an old friend. They ended up having an intimate relationship. I didn't find out about it until he returned when I found it on his computer. He was very forthright when I asked him. I gave him an ultimatum of either me or her. He couldn't decide and I didn't want to lose him so *I compromised by saying he could be friends with her* eventually however he and I needed to work on our relationship. He also stated that they had agreed that they would not continue the sexual relationship once he came home.
> He informed her of our committment to each other and that we needed space to work on our relationship. She took it well at first or so I thought however she kept calling and emailing. He informed her again and the same thing happened. Over time I have found out that he was essentially telling her very negative things about me and our marriage while deployed. He also would tell her very complimentary things that go beyond mere friendship.
> He has stated that he has had no contact with her since retelling her to stop contact via email. However I found out that they had a conversation about the whole thing. When I asked him if he had any contact with her in reference to the phone convesation he has denied it. *Obviously I can't tell him that I am reading his email.* I love him and believe he loves me but I can't seem to get passed the fact that he would share intimate details about our relationship to a female he had an intimate relationship with and I don't know if I can trust him. He has promised to tell me if/when she contacts him but now I am not so sure since he hasn't admitted to the phone conversation. I want to focus on our marriage and not her but how can I do this if I don't trust him?


You can't go on if you don't trust him. Why on earth did you give him permission to be friends, and why can't you tell him you read his emails? You've given your husband complete control of the situation, and he's going to run with this, cake-eating, all the way.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> You can't go on if you don't trust him. Why on earth did you give him permission to be friends, and why can't you tell him you read his emails? You've given your husband complete control of the situation, and he's going to run with this, cake-eating, all the way.


This ^^^

You're first reaction was the right one - you or her - and until you make him pick he's going to string you both along. Once a relationship crosses the line into an emotional affair it isn't ever coming back to the friendship only zone - doesn't happen.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Sorry to say but no relationship can lasy if there is no trust. If you want to remain married you need to deal with your trust issues first, also you need to tell your husband that he has to choose between you and her if he still is unsure then maybe you need to think about where your marriage is heading. I can understand that you want to remain married and its hard to walk away but ask yourself do you really want to be married to a person who does not love you the way you love them. Also if he cant decide if he wants to give her up then that clearly says that he doesnt respect you and doesnt think much of you or your marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He needs to cut of ALL contact with her if there's any hope, and you need to put your foot down HARD. He basically has permission from you to cheat on you.


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## gatoluvr (Feb 15, 2012)

thanks for the feedback. Logically I have been saying the same thing. Emotionally it is not so easy. He has since broken all contact with her but I still wonder if she is contacting him. He tells me know and if I want this marriage to work and actually have trust in him I have to start somewhere. Just not sure where that somewhere is.
I truly believe he loves me and wants to be with me and I with him. His first wife left him for someone else so he certainly knows how that feels. I don't want to be the type of person who continually makes excuses for him though. Unfortunately I am scared to put all me eggs in one basket just to see it crushed by a bulldozer. Right now I don't have that sense of security of knowing he is truly committed to me.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It is in these situations that you should follow your gut. He knew cheating is wrong and did it anyway. Confessing to you may have gotten rid of his guilt, but now you have the heavy burden to carry.

Once trust is lost, it is almost impossible to get back. I had an emotional affair with a man in 1994 and my husband will still bring that up when we argue. People say they can forgive, but I do not believe they can forget. Please don't let him use you as a doormat. All we women want to do is love someone, take care of someone, be true to someone. Some men can't handle it or feel that because they are men, they have NEEDS that must be taken care of if you are not around. 

In your heart of hearts, you know what to do. And remember, having a baby will not bring you closer together, it will make things worse. Much worse.

I am sorry he hurt you so much. I pray your pain lessens as you take control of your life and marital situation. Be strong.


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