# Sad Christmas



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

I know Christmas is about Christ. But without my sweetie here with me, it's just not the same.

The tree is sad to me. The house isn't decorated with all the usual trimmings because my bride isn't here to make it all pretty.

Watching Christmas movies isn't the same. And when I hear romantic Christmas music I get all teary and miss her so much.

I just want Christmas to be over, the lights and tree to be put away, the carols and songs to stop, and for the new year to arrive.

New Year signals new beginnings, right?

When will the pain stop? I miss her so much...

PJ


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Phil, no reason to wait until Jan. for a new beginnings...start now...make a promise to do something just for yourself tomorrow...quit watching those Christmas movies and watch action flicks...do man things like belch, scratch your...well you know!

If you wait until Jan. for the new year, new beginnings, you'll still be waiting then...go make it happen on your own!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm sorry Phil and I wish there was something I could say, I know there isn't.

The only thing I will say is it might help to start a new Christmas tradition or two. Change things up a bit so you are seeing something new instead of noticing what's missing all the time.

I read your other posts and I'm guessing the folks at your church are helping support you? Stay close and maybe get involved with something going on there. Just keep in mind at all times that you have a void in your life to fill and there's no better way to help do that than making new friends. Keep your head up my friend, so you can see them coming.


I wish you all the best this Christmas. God Bless




DjF said:


> Phil, no reason to wait, quit watching those Christmas movies and watch action flicks...do man things like belch, scratch your...well you know!



DJF we are guys, trust me, even in despair we belch and scratch ourselves  Great advice getting away from the sad movies and songs, just makes things worse when you are down.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Better than spending x'mas with someone you don't really desire with... I do that every year with my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

philjohnson said:


> When will the pain stop? I miss her so much...
> PJ


I know exactly how you feel. I am 'lucky' to live in Greece where the celebration of Christmas is more meaningful and starts much later. The reminders are yet to come and will not last as long. As for the pain, if you will indulge me, this is how I feel eight months on:

A VOICE OF KINDNESS

I feel an increasing urgency to write things down on the basis that it is in important for my feelings to be understood while there is still time. Important to whom, I am not sure, but it probably means that I still believe that someone must care. Everyone seems to have forgotten about me now – everyone seems to think that I am healing and getting on with life – everyone feels better with themselves because they are able to dismiss me. This adds to my distress and I wonder how much longer I can trust even my own thoughts.

It feels as though my love for 'M', and hers for me, has taken on a life form. This ‘entity’ of tangible emotion, which once was my greatest friend and comforter, has become my sworn enemy. Once again, it has woken me from my sleep, shaking me awake with cries of _‘wake up, I have discovered new ways of hurting you today, to add to the ones I used yesterday – wake up, wake up and let’s get started, time is against us!’ _Every day, my persecutor beats me mercilessly with images & music, with sounds & memories, with words & tastes & smells. Every day, my resolve to continue diminishes to the point where rationality deserts me and hope flees for its life.

Mother Theresa said that_ “loneliness is the worst poverty”_, to which I should add that ‘memories are the worst torture’. My mentor has become my tormentor. Such an enterprising enemy is taking increasing advantage of my lack of sleep and declining resistance. Whilst my cell gets ever smaller and the concept of escape proves to be increasingly distant, his opportunities continue to grow. He is quick to take advantage.

And yet, the cell holds some comfort – there are times when it is a place of safety, where the world can be excluded and the pain ignored for a few minutes. I dream of being free, but the notion of freedom and being alone is so frightening to me. I feel as though I am walking steadily across a frozen lake, towards the centre, away from the safety of the shore. There is nothing for me on that shore any longer, there is nobody there – it is deserted. There are no people, no friends, no hope and nothing to sustain me. My only hope is to walk across the ice – I am left with no choice. I know with certainty that, in the middle, the ice will be thinner. I listen for the eerie sound of it cracking as it fails to take my weight – I have heard it before and it haunts me. But what choice do I have? In the silence, I listen for voices – somewhere, in front, to the sides, or even behind me. In the darkness, I look for a light – a sign of life, of hope, of possible safety. Nothing – and so I continue in the blind faith that something will change. I no longer have any perception of direction, and it seems not to matter. I have no concept of what I might find there, but why should I care, I have to go on? I have no points of reference whatsoever. I am troubled by the knowledge that I may still be getting closer to the centre of this silent lake, nearer to the thin ice where my fate is assured. It is not the thought of oblivion that frightens me, but the panic of falling into the icy water, the distress of thrashing around for life, the horror of drowning and of being alone in my final moments. I realise that it is not death that haunts me, but the act of dying.

A voice, a voice, I would give my life for a voice – a voice that will destroy my torturer with its warmth & kindness - a voice that is familiar & friendly, soft & understanding – a voice that will take away the pain and let me sleep again – it is 'M's voice.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Better than spending x'mas with someone you don't really desire with... I do that every year with my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry.


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

I got to use the left-over ornaments for my tree this year. The ones that W did not use for her tree at her place.

I bought 3 new ornaments and displayed them prominently to remind myself of the truth.

One of them says "Hope". Another says "Peace". And the last one says "Joy."

I am expecting God to shine through the real meaning of Christmas in spite of my pain and suffering...

PJ


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hang in Brother! Work on yourself as much as you can. Staying busy always helps me but I know you can't be busy every second of the 24hrs God gives us. 

Be strong for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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