# Am I overreacting?



## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for a few months. This past weekend, we went out and she disappeared for awhile. I saw her at the bar talking to some guy. I looked again a few minutes later and they were still talking except they were facing each other. I walked over and she was giving him her number. I got upset and stormed off. We got into a huge fight and she thought it was fine that she could give him her number, since he traveled often to where she grew up. I didn't think it was right that she was giving her number out. 

The next morning, she apologized. She said it was wrong and would be hurt if it was me doing that. All weekend, I've been thinking about it. I'm very hurt about it. She said it was innocent, but I don't know. I want to believe her. I really do. Sunday night, I was thinking about it again. I went through her phone. She had texted a friend that same night around the same time that she was at the bar with this guy, asking her if she had ever wanted to kiss another guy when she was first married. She didn't elaborate in the text message about what was happening.

So I confronted her about it. She said she sent that text way before she was talking to him. This started a huge fight where she once again, tried to justify her giving him her number. Then said I didn't want her to have male friends. Which is untrue as she has many. I have the problem with her giving men her number. She gets texts and message from her male friends. I don't care. It doesn't bother me unless it's late at night. I brought that up, and it got thrown in my face that I do care. Which I don't. 

Am I overreacting?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

No she said it herself if she was in your shoes she would freak out most likely leave. I personally believe that if your married there is no need to have male friends or female friends your partner should be all the friend that you need. I think you should talk about it calmly instead of arguing, arguing is not going to solve anything apart from add fuel to the fire good luck


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

In a marriage it is important not only to be faithful, but to not even give the appearance that you may not be faithful. Trust needs maintenance. 

I don't know what her intentions are with the guy she gave her number. They may be innocent, maybe not. But, she does need to reassure you somehow. 

This whole checking up on her thing bugs me though. If you can't trust her then you shouldn't have married her.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

s.k said:


> No she said it herself if she was in your shoes she would freak out most likely leave. I personally believe that if your married there is no need to have male friends or female friends your partner should be all the friend that you need. I think you should talk about it calmly instead of arguing, arguing is not going to solve anything apart from add fuel to the fire good luck


I disagree. Your spouse should be your best friend but that does not eliminate the need for other friendships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Being upset about this is very reasonable.

Did you ask her how she even got into a conversation with this guy at the bar? Why did she just disappear and go to the bar?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

pssa said:


> I disagree. Your spouse should be your best friend but that does not eliminate the need for other friendships.


Why do people have the need to have other friendships with the opposite sex. This is where affairs get involved EA affairs and sometimes physical which breaks a marriage why not be happy with what you got at home.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

She went to go get a drink of water. Our waitress never brought the one she asked for. She was being ignored and he started a conversation with her about how even the women couldn't get service. I don't know how it got to where she was from. She did mention she was there with her husband and he had a wife. That was part of her justification that night as well. that since he was married it wasn't an issue.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Just how many signs do you need?

Giving the number to a stranger in a bar? That's enough reason to go get a blood test and a lawyer. 

Why did you not imediately go to the bar and introduce yourself as her husband to the guy?


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

I walked up and he wouldn't look at me. She was writing her number down on a napkin. I said something as I was pissed, and walked away. When I got back to the table, she was there, and we started fighting.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

s.k said:


> Why do people have the need to have other friendships with the opposite sex. This is where affairs get involved EA affairs and sometimes physical which breaks a marriage why not be happy with what you got at home.


Having other friendships does not mean that you are not happy with what you have at home. Friends play a different role in your life than a lover. If you can separate the two, what's the problem?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

JeffX;536636
She did mention she was there with her husband and he had a wife. That was part of her justification that night as well. that since he was married it wasn't an issue.[/QUOTE said:


> nrver knew of an affair where this mattered in the least.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

pssa said:


> Friends play a different role in your life than a lover.


only until they become one in the same.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

JeffX said:


> I walked up and he wouldn't look at me. She was writing her number down on a napkin. I said something as I was pissed, and walked away. When I got back to the table, she was there, and we started fighting.


It sounds to me that you didn't handle it very well. You should have given her the chance to explain her conversation with the guy in a different setting before getting pissed. You should know her if you married her. Would she really give a guy her number right in front of you if her intentions were not innocent?

I still think the burden is on her to demonstrate that she's faithful to you. I'd be more worried about the "kiss" text message.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> only until they become one in the same.


:iagree:


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

As someone said all the signs are there how long are you willing to live with the fact your wife gives her number to random people. Im guessing this wasnt her first time since she has been with you


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

pssa said:


> It sounds to me that you didn't handle it very well. You should have given her the chance to explain her conversation with the guy in a different setting before getting pissed. You should know her if you married her. Would she really give a guy her number right in front of you if her intentions were not innocent?
> 
> I still think the burden is on her to demonstrate that she's faithful to you. I'd be more worried about the "kiss" text message.


And I confronted her about it. She said it was a random thought and felt bad about it.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> only until they become one in the same.


I wouldn't marry someone if the main reason she was faithful to me was because she didn't have any male friends, or put another way, because of a lack of opportunity.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

personally, i dont see the need for friendships with the opposite sex if you are in a committed relationship.
when i got in a relationship with my ex fiance, i was happy to give any up so she could feel secure in that way and i would do so again in a heartbeat. and as far as i know she did too.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Your relationship has no/low boundaries.

The reason she acted as she did is because there was no consequence. You walked up to your wife and another man during an inappropriate moment and backed down.You walked away. You lost your temper because you were not in control of the situation.

Did you end up apologizing to her? At what point did she accuse you of being unreasonable?


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

JeffX said:


> And I confronted her about it. She said it was a random thought and felt bad about it.


You know her way better than any of us. All of these things could be innocent and all of these things could indicate big problems. Both of you behaved badly here. When you approached her at the bar, she should have introduced you, filled you in on the conversation and why she was giving the guy her number. You should have given her the chance to do that. You shouldn't be spying on her and she should communicate with you about the things that are running through her head rather than leaving it on her phone for you to find. 

Being married is new and I think that many newly married people wonder how marriage will change things, like is it ok to be attracted to other people even if you have no intention or desire to pursue it. If you really do trust each other and have open communication you can avoid misunderstandings and uncover problems pretty easily.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

JeffX said:


> She said it was a random thought and felt bad about it.


mhhmmm.
so bad in fact she felt the need to still give him her number, and after you walked up to her at the bar while she was writing it down.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> Your relationship has no/low boundaries.
> 
> The reason she acted as she did is because there was no consequence. You walked up to your wife and another man during an inappropriate moment and backed down.You walked away. You lost your temper because you were not in control of the situation.
> 
> Did you end up apologizing to her? At what point did she accuse you of being unreasonable?


She apologized the next morning and throughout the weekend. She started in on the being unreasonable again tonight after I confronted her about the text.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

JeffX said:


> She started in on the being unreasonable again tonight after I confronted her about the text.


certainly not unreasonable to start INVESTIGATING when bad signs start coming up.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Think you should set some boundaries your marriage is not going to last long if she is justifying giving her number to random people also sending a text like that


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Check into everything. Credit card receipts, cell phone logs, keylogger, GPS tracking her car. The works.

This situation is a major red flag and you need to rule out the existence of other men.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

1 - She sends a text about fantasizing about kissing a stranger
2 - That night she puts herself into a situation where she could meet a stranger.
3 - She meets said stranger and gives him her phone number. On a bar napkin. (I guess nature made it so that it isn't this easy for men)

Even if you're a BIG believer in coincidence...

I'm not sure I've ever gotten such bad service where I needed to leave the restaurant to get water. She just happens to this night and positions herself at the bar right next to a strange man and strikes up a conversation.

You blew this one. Apologize for jumping the gun. Make her comfortable again and spy. Sounds like she likes men. She may even think that all of this liking of men is innocent. Maybe it is. But to paraphrase a quote I read on this forum, "if you go to a barbershop often enough, you're going to eventually get a haircut", or something like that.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

You need to set some boundaries concerning interaction with the opposite gender. Sounds like she is out on the prowl to me.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

s.k said:


> Why do people have the need to have other friendships with the opposite sex. This is where affairs get involved EA affairs and sometimes physical which breaks a marriage why not be happy with what you got at home.


Why should one feel compelled to close themselves off to half the human race because his/her significant other is insecure or paranoid about infidelity?

I'm all for setting reasonable boundaries when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex (or anyone, for that matter). But that boundary doesn't have to cut off all friendly relations with the opposite sex.

Can friendships lead to affairs? Yep. So can work relationships. So can participation in community organizations. So can having neighbors. If we were to cut off all human interaction that can lead to an affair, we'd all be veritable hermits.

Anyhow, for the OP .... you have every right to be upset. Set reasonable boundaries and expect your wife to respect them. While it would be exceptionally bold of her to strike up an adulterous relationship right in front of you in a relationship - thus I tend to think her actions were more inappropriate than unfaithful - giving out her phone number to some random dude at a bar crosses any reasonable boundary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Why should one feel compelled to close themselves off to half the human race because his/her significant other is insecure or paranoid about infidelity?


i dont know about others but i didnt do it for this reason.
i did it to show her my commitment to her and that she was more important to me than any female friends. the most important person in my life.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i dont know about others but i didnt do it for this reason.
> i did it to show her my commitment to her and that she was more important to me than any female friends. the most important person in my life.


And if that works for you, cool. My wife has never asked or expected me to drop or end friendships as a sign of my devotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> And if that works for you, cool. My wife has never asked or expected me to drop or end friendships as a sign of my devotion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i dont feel they should have to.


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