# How can a DW encourage DH to lose weight?



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Hello men,

My DH is his heaviest and I would really, really like for him to drop the extra weight. He would need to lose 40 pounds to be back on the chart.

The thing is, me starting to workout is not going to motivate him, idt. I am slightly underweight or at the lowest end of the spectrum as it is. I can work on toning things up a bit. 
I am ramping up the fruits and veges in the house.

Once in awhile I will mention it in regards to his snoring getting worse or when he says something that lends itself to me making a supportive comment. Before he would just say he was too "stressed." Now that he has a new job he seems much more open to the idea...we talked about how he could walk during his lunch break every day and when he could schedule workouts. So, I am feeling more optomistic and excited. He did workout Saturday. Yay! He's also got a pedometer and is trying to walk 10000 steps a day.

The thing is, I don't want this to be a half-hearted attempt. I want this to be a long term change. I want to be attracted to him, ya know?

I am wondering if there is more I can do without being the "nag" or hurting feelings and all that jazz. Obviously he knows he needs to lose weight and wants to. I just want to help him actually do it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Whereas this subject is an absolute death trap for guys wanting to address the issue with an overweight wife, with a husband it's a completely different ballgame.


Tell him he's fat, you're not attracted to him and not interested in sex.

Be direct. Works best with us. 

My views on this subject are absolute. And I certainly don't expect that others will share them ... but, you did ask, and trying to approach it as a health, energy or well-being issue, although valid simply will not have the same effect as calling the relationship into question.

In the case of a partner that did not start out obese, but has steadily worked their way there, I see at as a lack of respect for themselves and their partner. That's how I roll. Don't care what your excuses are ... don't want to hear'em ... 

Everybody's busy. Everybody's tired. We all have kids, jobs, responsibilities. Make fitness and losing weight one of them.

In the past where men are concerned I have actually recommended being 'mean'. Mock him. Make fun of him. Screw his feelings. Tell him how excited you are that your kids will get to go to his funeral before he's 50.

If he is 'sensitive' about his weight, all the more reason he should do something about it.

There is what is appropriate, and what get results. I'm a results guy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Is there some sort of class or something you could sign up for together?

Ballroom dancing, martial arts, a volleyball or softball league?




notaname said:


> Hello men,
> 
> My DH is his heaviest and I would really, really like for him to drop the extra weight. He would need to lose 40 pounds to be back on the chart.
> 
> ...


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Have him notice you checking out guys who are in shape, and comment on it. That'll be a blow to his ego. Men don't like to feel inferior to other men. Remind him how being overweight could lead to ED... if it hasn't done so already.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Deejo, thanks for the comment. 

nice777guy, he would love to take Tae Kwan Do with our 13 year old son. Money is an issue, but I think I will encourage them to sign up and get going on that.

I'm starting to think that our money would be better spent on self improvement than marriage counseling.....let alone divorce.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Deejo is so right. Just tell him as honest and as blunt as possible.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Have him notice you checking out guys who are in shape, and comment on it. That'll be a blow to his ego. Men don't like to feel inferior to other men. Remind him how being overweight could lead to ED... if it hasn't done so already.


I have started commenting on yummy actors when we watch movies together.

Sex has suffered, but not from ED.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

notaname said:


> I have started commenting on yummy actors when we watch movies together.


I've never understood the concept of how making someone feel bad about themselves is supposed to inspire them....I honestly don't get that train of thought. 

I personally think you would be better off to find ways to encourage him rather than try to bring him down.

If he would like to start up Tae Kwan Do with your son then maybe suggest that he put the money aside that he would normally use to buy take-out (or whatever kind of garbage food he is eating) and put it toward the classes.

And don't keep crappy food in the house - if it's not there he can't eat it. There are heaps of "alternative" healthy recipes to be found on the net....he may screw his nose up at them but when he gets hungry enough - he'll eat them 

Walking is one of the best exercises there is (and it's free!)....start up a walking routine together.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Well, I comment on beautiful female actors, too. I'm an equal opportunity beautiful person admirerer.

If we don't have any treats in the house my DH will just make cookies. A big problem is simply portion control and adding cheese and dressing to his plate. We rarely eat processed prepackaged food or eat out.

Women close to me tell me how they just tell their H's that they need to lose weight when they start getting a belly. I thought that was mean so I never did that. Guess I screwed that up, though, because now it'll be that much harder for him to lose and I've lost all attraction (for more reasons than that).

Oh, and encouraging him was not working because he would just tell me he was too stressed to worry about it...this was when he was only working 2 days a week.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is why you are better served by destabilizing the relationship rather than soft-peddling the subject until you ultimately find yourself at the point where you genuinely are not attracted to them. At that point, sadly, it becomes easy to put other things on the list that add to the lack of attraction.

Telling a man that he is obese and as a result, you do not find him sexually attractive isn't mean ... it's the truth. Whether or not he chooses to do something about it, for his sake, and the sake of the relationship remains up to him.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

notaname said:


> Well, I comment on beautiful female actors, too. I'm an equal opportunity beautiful person admirerer.




Bottom line is, your husband needs to change the way he thinks about it all...and he needs to create new habits that will support a more healthy lifestyle. (which you already know)

Sadly, I think if he doesn't do that for himself then nothing you do or say will make him do it. 

Do you think he's just become lazy with life or could there be some underlying issue that is causing him to "cushion" himself with the extra weight?

I vaguely remember Dr Phil saying something years ago about being overweight is not a food issue....it's an emotional issue. I don't know how true that is but it could be worth looking in to.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

There are LOTS of issues.

He has failed at his dream of being a XXXXX and has never been able to support his family. That is a huge blow right there. Right now he has gotten a job doing what he did when we were first married 15 years ago. It still isn't enough and we will probably be declaring bankruptcy in the next few months.

Out of our 15 years of marriage we have lived with my parents about 6 of those years. Right now we are living with them, and have for a year and a half. He feels like a failure. Especially when I stopped dreaming of ever owning a home or even living on our own. Dreaming about it made me miserable and seemed like a waste of time.

I have quit believing in the religion of our upbringing. We lived and breathed our religion and there is a huge stigma attached to discontinuing that belief. This is hard on him and he feels that it is his fault. He thinks if I had never been depressed over our life that I would never have stopped believing. It is also a strongly patriarchal religion which I'm sure plays into some of the issues.

I have said (in MC) that we are both lazy and he is totally baffled by that. He doesn't see himself as lazy at all. I am baffled that he doesn't see it. It's all just one big confusing mess.

He sleeps a lot. This started when he was working in a factory to make ends meet, but it never changed. He will sleep 10 hours a night--snoring loudly. Sometimes he will nap. Now that he has a new job he isn't napping as much, thank goodness. 

Sorry to ramble. But, yes, there is a reason my husband is fat. I think he will feel much better about himself if he would stop reading about losing weight and DO something about it.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I wanted to share that my DH has lost 6 pounds this week. I told him at this rate he's gonna be lookin' hot in a swimsuit this summer.


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## pugsx (Feb 9, 2011)

You only need 7 little words....

"Lose weight and I'll *beep* you more!!" :smthumbup:


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> I've never understood the concept of how making someone feel bad about themselves is supposed to inspire them....I honestly don't get that train of thought.
> 
> I personally think you would be better off to find ways to encourage him rather than try to bring him down.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I myself have been overweight for....well as long as I can remember. I have tried diets, and working out is on and off, I will got strong for 2 or 3 weeks, then filter out for months, then try again. I am 6'4" 360 pounds, always told I was "cute" and once in a while "good looking for a bigger guy" but it is finally got to me bad. Hard to keep up with my 18 month old daughter, and her sister is going to be crawling soon. To tell the truth if my wife ever were to try to make me feel bad to loose weight, I would probably walk out of the house for a while. To be honest our problem is her support. She just sits on the sidelines every time I try something out, and when I feel down and feel like it is not working, I give up. Something I keep meaning to talk to her about.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

notaname said:


> I wanted to share that my DH has lost 6 pounds this week. I told him at this rate he's gonna be lookin' hot in a swimsuit this summer.


:smthumbup:

Awesome! What finally got him off his butt?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Awesome! What finally got him off his butt?


Well, I think it helped that he got a job. New beginnings and all that. I also had lots of salad and veges that he was taking to work for lunch.

I'm still not holding my breath. He likes to read about losing weight more than actually DOING stuff about it. 

He has been buying himself candy bars and talking about doing a "cleanse." It frustrates me to no end.  Especially since I have been laying off the candy myself to try and be supportive and not have it around.

I bought him a Men's Health magazine yesterday. He laughed and asked if it was a hint.  Um, yeah, baby. It's a hint.
So, last night he found a Taekwando place and got a schedule. :smthumbup:

I think my next hint will be to send him the link to MarriedManSexLife.com.


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