# married 4 months



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I really think divorce after 4 months of marriage is where I'm headed. But I really don't know what to do.

Hi...I've posted here before about my marriage, but still struggling and need to talk. I got married 4 months ago and am really frustrated with my marriage. I really feel like maybe I made a mistake, but don't know what to do about it at this point. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't want to be wasting my time in something that isn't going anywhere either.

I just turned 30. My H is 36. This is his 2nd marriage, my first. I have no children, we have not children, but he has 2 from his previous marriage. His S is 14 and his D is 11. He barely ever sees them. That is part of the problem between us. He always claimed he was too busy with his job to really get to spend time with his kids, and I saw it happen when he had scheduled time off and then had to cancel his plans and go back to work. However, he changed jobs in March and still has not seen his children. He saw them 1 day this summer for our wedding, but hasn't had them out here to visit since last Christmas. He claims he has no time, but he does. Actually, this past week, he has hardly worked because he is deer hunting. I'm glad he has a hobby and is now getting to do his hobby, but what about his kids??? This has really started to bother me and now I wonder if I should even consider having children with him. What if he doesn't have time for them either? He asks why I can't at least give him a chance....but I told him that having children isn't something you can reverse if it doesn't work out.

Not like we are headed to have children anytime soon seeing as I am in a sexless marriage. We have had sex 3 times since being married.....and 1 of those times was on our honeymoon. NONE of those times was on our wedding night. That was ruined because he got upset at me and yelled. His mother (who is not very nice) texted him in the middle of our wedding night about bringing his son to the hotel early in the morning so she could leave. I was upset because she had been trying to sabatoge our wedding from day 1. Then he yelled at me for being upset about the whole thing. Needless to say, this ruined our wedding night and it is kind of hard to feel sexual toward someone when something like that happens.

He is constantly upset at me about something. Not meaning that I don't get upset too. I do. But when he gets upset, he won't talk, holds it in for days, acts like everything is fine, then blows up. Half the time he won't even come to bed....just sleeps on the couch and then claims it was an accident. He just fell asleep watching tv. We had a fight about this this morning. In the past, he admitted that he has been lazy about lots of things since we married (us, kids, housework, friends, family.....), but recently he said it was all me, that I was causing the problems and that I was miserable all the time. This is not true. I have not been miserable. It's kind of sad because I think he is on the verge of being very depressed and he doesn't see it. This morning I told him I think I made a big mistake, and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I married him for all the wrong reasons. For security, rather than love or passion. We've never really had passion or much romance. But he is safe.....wrong reasons to marry, I know now.

I don't even feel like I find my H attractive anymore. Part of it is just that I'm not physically attracted to him. Part of it is because of his actions and comments. I don't know how to be attracted to someone who is lazy about his life and relationships. The problem with his kids has started to become a huge turnoff.

I am open to any advice. Thanks for reading.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

The next chapter: 

Last night we had a fight again. What's frustrating is that he never tells me anything, never tells me how he feels about anything or anything that is going on in his life. Last night he finally revealed that he was stressed out because he has quit chewing for over a week. And I was supposed to know?? It's not obvious when he chews because he doesn't spit in a cup. He's been doing it since he was 15, so he's pretty good at making it not obvious. But, now all of a sudden I am a B**** again because I didn't know.

So, he doesn't ever tell me anything and then I tell him that I don't even know what to do anymore. We've been married for 4 months and we are just strangers living under the same roof. He blows up and says "You did this.....you caused all of this to happen.....it's all you!"

How do you reason with someone who responds like that?

I know I'm not perfect. I know I am 50/50 to blame, but "all me"??? That's a little unreasonable. And it's frustrating because I have pushed and pushed and pushed for us to work on things pretty much before the wedding and he has fought me about it the entire way.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

I can't be 100% but you could be experiencing emotional abuse. Please read up on it first, I could be wrong. I'm seeing the red flags as not taking any responsibility, it's all your fault, witholding affection, expecting you to read his mind. Like I said I can't be 100%, but it's worth looking into. Have you spoken to his first wife? It sounds sensible to talk to her.

Take care and I hope I am wrong. I really hope your marriage starts to work out. x


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I just posted at your other thread, please read that, it may also be helpful here. 

I don't think your husband feels respected or understood. Ask him if he does. Of course that doesn't excuse his poor behavior, but it will at least shed some light on it and will allow you to take a closer look at your 50/50 part. By the way, if each of you is only giving 50%, then your marriage is half assed. It needs to be 100/100.

His hurt about his children is being grated raw by the significance you are making out of it. Most people respond to pain by becoming less than loving in return.

Those children, that ex-wife, none of that has anything at all to do with you. Continuing to be so judgmental against him is what's ruining your love, not the fact that he has his own, very understandable reasons for staying away from his children. I've worked with many parental alienation cases and can tell you, he is not a bad person or a bad father and his heart is probably broken in a million pieces, he is probably very confused on what to do and staying away is the most common response, not making him wrong or bad in any way, just hurt, confused and trying to do what will keep his children the most comfortable. Why should he share that with you when you are so critical of him? 

Coming at you in unloving ways is his defense. So, then you feel unloved and respond back to him from your own defense. Who is going to be mature enough to stop doing that?

Make a list of the reasons you married him. That is what needs to be focused on now, not what you think is all wrong.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

HM3 said:


> Hey,
> 
> Sorry to hear you're having a hard time.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I don't know if I would qualify it as emotional abuse. He is usually very nice and doesn't like to say anything mean to anyone. However, he keeps all of his feelings bottled inside and when they come out, this is what comes out. The first time I saw him blow up like this actually happened on our wedding night. It's like he gets sooo mad at everyone, but I am the one it finally comes out on. But, that makes it sound worse than it is. I know I say a lot of bad things too and am not very nice to him at times. That is what our marriage has come to at this point. We can't say anything to each other without it becoming a fight.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> I just posted at your other thread, please read that, it may also be helpful here.
> 
> I don't think your husband feels respected or understood. Ask him if he does. Of course that doesn't excuse his poor behavior, but it will at least shed some light on it and will allow you to take a closer look at your 50/50 part. By the way, if each of you is only giving 50%, then your marriage is half assed. It needs to be 100/100.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. And yes, he does feel like I don't understand him. My problem is, how do I understand what he is going through if he won't share it with me? From an outsider looking in, I can only see so much and make sense of so much.


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