# Help wife and I



## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

My wife was sexting and calling a friend of hers. They have been friends since childhood. They have always been friends but they have never acted on it till just r ecently. This took place over about 4 days while she was away from home visiting family. They sexted twice and exchanged a couple pics. I had my suspensions so I checked her phone when she got home and she had deleted her texts from him. I approached her and she admitted to flirting with him via text and knew it was wrong and told him also. I continued to ask her about it and she finally broke down and told me everything. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 with a two year old son. We have had our rough spots and just recently had been in a rut but nothing that warranted this? I admit I'm not a real good communicator and don't tell her I love her all the time but I do. This really hurt me and I'm very angry at her. She admitted that she knew it was wrong but just couldnt stop her self. She said she liked thinking about it. She kind of has a history of doing this because when we first started dating we had a fight and she went and talked to a friend and it led to a kiss. We both want to try to make it work. I'm not sure i can trust or forgive her. What should we do?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Has she agreed that it is wrong, and she will stop?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Yes she has. I have taken her phone away in hopes that she will not be tempted. She has agreed to not talk to him ever again. I think I can believe her but I don't even want her to think about him and I know she still does and that's what scares me. (This all took place less than a week ago)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She went to her hometown to have a EA and sexting with her friend ?

One poster in a similar situation got a bigger confession once he told his wife that will undelete and recover all the texts on her phone.(Until then , she told him it was EA and just a kiss). If she is technologically incompetent, you can try to bluff regarding that. Actually you can recover texts on most smart phones these days. Try checking her phone records to see how frequently they are talking before this.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If this guy is also in her home town, it was more than texting and pictures. She had ample opportunities over 4 days to meet with him and probably did so. You have not gotten the entire truth yet.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Oh, and that time she kissed a guy, it probably wasn't just a kiss
> 
> Google "trickle truth"


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

It's an iPhone 3gs but it never has been backed up. The truth did trickle in but last night I finally got her to tell me what they talked about more less word for word.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It sucks most times that the betrayed spouse has to figure out on their own how deep the rabbit hole goes.

As for trickle truth - you ALWAYS know the "whole truth" until you uncover something else. THEN...you know the truth.

Until...

Don't be scared, OP ~ be vigilant and do your own investigation. You CAN recover texts from an iPhone. You're saying she's never hooked it up to a computer to put songs or anything on it?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

No chance of more than ea in those 4 days she was in iowa with her parents visiting gma. He was in new mexico. They didn't grow up in same town. I did tell her I could get the texts off her phone by sending it off. Even though I couldn't figure out how to do it. That's when she finally opened up. I have asking multiple times about that kiss and even threatened to call the guy and she still insists it was just a kiss.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

She put songs on it probably 3 years ago. Will the deleted texts be on there that just happened 4-6 days ago?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Have you used that program before with any luck?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Ok I will give it a try. Thanks


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

She told me she wants to see a counselor and has called one and waiting to here back from another to get an appointment. Besides checking up on her texts to see if she told me everything, anything else I need to do or as a couple?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Be warned (and don't be surprised) that if she deletes the texts and uses the phone lots, it is quite possible that you may get nothing back (several users on here have experienced this). The memory eventually gets overwritten by the system when it needs to store more information, so if the texts were deleted the memory cells that they were originally written in could have already been overwritten by the system. Recovering the texts is akin to recovering data on a hard drive. The data is still there until the system writes over that data and then it is gone for good (unless you have some high level forensics tool that can parse the layers and possible retrieve chunks of data, but that is an expensive tool and usually only available to specialists). Also is she has updated the OS, then everything deleted prior to the new OS being installed is gone and not retrievable either.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Here is the real problem...

You have a wife who has, at least twice she will tell you about, betrayed you. 

She admits liking the idea of seducing other men and being seduced. This is her addiction.

So the questions to me are how many other times and what will change this addiction.

I suggest the both of you get serious counseling. Not marriage, but personal. She has an addiction that if not checked will lead to unspeakable heart ache. And, the both of you need mto learn some better interpersonal skills. 

Oh yeah, do get those texts retreived.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Well I tried to view the texts with not much luck. I could find bits and pieces of the conversation but not much. Did I do it right?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

If you buy the software does it open any other texts that you don't see in the trial version?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have the program at home so I cant look, I do recall that you have to click a button to see more text and more of a particular text


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

no luck for me


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> We both want to try to make it work. I'm not sure i can trust or forgive her. What should we do?


First step. This "friend" is now history. She has proven he isn't "just" a friend.

I wouldn't put up with her being in any more contact with him if I were you. And really, you shouldn't have to be the one to tell her to do it, although you might.
She should take the initiative to remove his cell #, block him from social media, email, etc. Every way they can contact each other needs to be nipped.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

^^ yes
she should write a no contact letter asap


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also is OM married?


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

After going NC with this "friend", is she shouldn't think you would sit well with her going away without you now. If she goes to her hometown, you go too. Or at the very least suggest you go. And if she objects, or even mentions it feels like you are policing her, then she doesn't truly care about working on the marriage.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Yes she says she will never contact him ever again. And he has been told not to talk to her ever again. He is not married. Im still controlling her phone and have changed her facebook password so she has to ask me to get on or to use her phone. Are these the right things to do or should I let her have free use again and see if she makes a mistake?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sageweller said:


> Yes she says she will never contact him ever again. And he has been told not to talk to her ever again. He is not married. Im still controlling her phone and have changed her facebook password so she has to ask me to get on or to use her phone. Are these the right things to do or should I let her have free use again and see if she makes a mistake?


personally I think complete transparency is best (you know all passwords, she doesnt delete and you verify whenever you need to)
controlling the phone while fine for a short period of time may be reassuring but ultimately may breed contempt


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I was hoping to control it for awhile till hopefully the temptation subsided??? She got an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I have always known all her passwords. I looked at lots of phone records and could not see any other time where there was a string of texts to him besides this one time.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

However this all pans out, the cold hard truth is that she has fundementally changed the nature of your relationship. Absolute trust is gone forever. You have relegated from trusting husband to parole officer. Are you up for this? For the rest of your marriage? Is she up for giving you such control over her life from now into the uncertain future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> *I was hoping to control it for awhile till hopefully the temptation subsided*??? She got an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.


That's like saying I hope the temptation to have a piece of cake will eventually subside...cake will always and forever be there and available, just like OM. 
You say they've known each other since childhood and are acting on it now? Something was powerful enough to tip the relationship over the edge despite you being in the picture. What you are bargaining on is that from here on in, through each and every rough spot that she won't retreat to her plan B, her escape route, that another man wants her, and if she pulls the trigger would get with her.

The fundamental thing is not hiding her phone or trying to control her. Until you get down to the root of why your relationship unraveled to the point she's doing this, then this or worse is going to pop up eventually...and that's a lifetime of continually looking over your shoulder checking up what she's up to.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I know its a rough road ahead but I think its worth it. She knows she has a problem so do I and I hope we can solve it?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We threw away our iPhones and computers.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> Yes she says she will never contact him ever again. And he has been told not to talk to her ever again. He is not married. Im still controlling her phone and have changed her facebook password so she has to ask me to get on or to use her phone. Are these the right things to do or should I let her have free use again and see if she makes a mistake?


These are the right things to do. While it can be argued that if you have to police her, then whats the point, you have to decide. Hold her feet to the fire, or show her that if she wants to do it again it will be met with little consequence.

But I can see taking the wait and see if she cheats again approach. But if you take that approach, you need to be willing to ask her to GTFO and file for divorce.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Is there anyway I can block his number so she can't call or text and he can't call or text? Its an Iphone 3gs jailbroken AT&T.
Thanks


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Sorry you are dealing with this. 

Personally, when i got married I wish I had just applied for my detectives license then.Would have helped a lot down the line.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

check the ATT webpage, I believe you can set up the block numbers online


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> No chance of more than ea in those 4 days she was in iowa with her parents visiting gma. He was in new mexico. They didn't grow up in same town. I did tell her I could get the texts off her phone by sending it off. Even though I couldn't figure out how to do it. That's when she finally opened up. *I have asking multiple times about that kiss and even threatened to call the guy and she still insists it was just a kiss.*


Are you talking about the current OM here, or the one from before you were married?

Look up "just a kiss" on the "cheaters conversion chart".


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

To give everybody an update.
Ok i got a keylogger on her computer and a block on her phone. I changed her password on facebook and make her ask me to log in. This morning I was personally logged into my facebook on her computer and did not log out. When I came back for lunch today I looked at the history and she had looked at his profile. (I'm friends on facebook with him) (she had not erased it on her own computer history) I confronted her about it and she said she just looked at his profile and that was it. She said she had no sexual thoughts about him just wanted to see how he had did at a horse show he went to this weekend. I told her she could no longer think about him even if it wasn't sexual. She said she would try but that it would be hard for her.

To give you a little bit of background about them. They grew up together showing horses since they were little kids and have been in contact for most years since then. My wife and I show horses together and he is often at the same shows we are at. 

I can understand how its going to be hard for her to erase all memory of him but is it healthy for her to occasionally check on him? I don't like the idea but not sure what to think. 



She says that she had never really had any sexual feelings for him till the sexting occurred. She told me before we started dating that he had tried to kiss her when they were kids but she didn't let him. I think we are going through a rough spot in our marriage the last month or so and think she got to thinking what if I had let him kiss me and that is where the sexual fantasy started with her. 

We went a counselor last week and plan to go again this week.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> To give everybody an update.
> Ok i got a keylogger on her computer and a block on her phone. I changed her password on facebook and make her ask me to log in. This morning I was personally logged into my facebook on her computer and did not log out. When I came back for lunch today I looked at the history and she had looked at his profile. (I'm friends on facebook with him) (she had not erased it on her own computer history) I confronted her about it and she said she just looked at his profile and that was it. She said she had no sexual thoughts about him just wanted to see how he had did at a horse show he went to this weekend. * I told her she could no longer think about him even if it wasn't sexual.* *She said she would try but that it would be hard for her.*
> 
> To give you a little bit of background about them. They grew up together showing horses since they were little kids and have been in contact for most years since then. My wife and I show horses together and he is often at the same shows we are at.
> ...


You told her that...and then she said it would be hard but she would try?? Just like she tried not to look at his page? What are you going to do when she's lying alone in bed, psychically stop her from thinking sexual thoughts about OM..you do realize how ridiculous you sounded there.

You cannot tell her to do what she doesn't want to do. You cannot tell her to stop thinking about OM. You cannot force her to keep no contact by locking all communication devices in one room. She has to want to do it for you. Right now she's not, that's your big problem.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Yep you are right I want her to do that and it's not happening. Her excuse is that she was friends with him before this and it's hard to. shoot I would of called him a friend too.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Did I read that correctly ? You are his Facebook friend ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

So do you think it's unreasonable for me to want her not to think about him sexually or not?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Yes you read it right, but I unfriended him at lunch.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Edited post to add that part. He was unfriended from her FB when this first happened but that won't stop her from searching his name.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I texted him via her phone and told him not to contact her anymore, but she has not wrote him anything.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sageweller said:


> I texted him via her phone and told him not to contact her anymore, but she has not wrote him anything.



go to the newbie link in my signature
in there is a NC letter example
have her HAND WRITE her own NC letter
view it and have her amend what parts you deem unacceptable
send by registered mail

do this
it's a consequence that she needs to help her see what damage she has wrought on the marriage


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how is the counselor shopping, what questions are you asking the MC's?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

We talked about what happened and then he gave us a communication exercise to work on.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sageweller said:


> We talked about what happened and then he gave us a communication exercise to work on.


but how did you pick the MC?
it's VERY important to choose a proper MC
unfortunately there are too many MC's who will allow the BS to be blamed for the WS's affair

I think a great question to ask a counselor is if they have read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and if they recommend it


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Ok will do. We live in a small town in a fairly remote area so mc are limited.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well do get the book for yourself and have your wife read it as well


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Would you recommend that my wife reads this book? Looks like a good book for me to read?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yup, see the post above yours


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Amazon.com: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity eBook: Shirley Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Kindle Store
also available on kindle


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Do you think I should show my wife this thread?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

No


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Ok she wrote a nc letter and we purchased the book. We talked a lot and she says she wants to stop thinking about him, but it's hard. She says she doesn't think about him sexually. She is committed to trying.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sageweller said:


> So do you think it's unreasonable for me to want her not to think about him sexually or not?


WTF??


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Sageweller said:


> Ok she wrote a nc letter and we purchased the book. We talked a lot and she says she wants to stop thinking about him, but it's hard. She says she doesn't think about him sexually. She is committed to trying.


Dear Sageweller,

Here's the thing. Your WW has cheated on you twice that you know of. When confronted the second time, she said she would end it with the OM but didn't and she now says that she doesn't know if she can stop thinking about him.

There are a couple of sayings on TAM that you need to keep in mind. One is that you can't control others, only yourself. Another is that you have to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it. What do these things mean?

The first one means that you can't control what your spouse does but you can decide for yourself what is and what is not acceptable behavior by your spouse. The second means that a breach of a boundary that you have set must be met with a firm response, up to and including the threat of divorce if the breach is serious enough.

What you need to do is to tell your WW what you expect from her and what will be the consequences if she does not live up to your expectations. You are not dictating her actions, you are just letting her know what will happen if she crosses a line that you have drawn. She cannot object to this as she has every right to let you know what her expectations are of you.

You might say, "If you ever contact the OM again or even inquire about him, I will consider that a breach of your promise to end it with him and will file for divorce." Some might object to this and there are those on TAM that complain that people here are always recommending divorce -- they miss the point. When confronted with a cheating spouse who can't or won't stop cheating, one's only choices are to live with a cheater or end the marriage. The sooner the cheating spouse knows that the betrayed spouse is prepared to walk away, the sooner the cheater will decide whether or not to stop cheating and the sooner the betrayed will learn if he or she is in a marriage that can be saved.

Of course, in addition to dealing with the immediate problem of your WW's infidelity, you need to get to the root of the problem. This is where a _good_ marriage counselor can help, as can resources like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. Once you have this information, you can decide what it will take to rebuild a healthy marriage.

Sometimes the problem is mostly with WS (e.g., if he or she has an unresolved psychological issue), sometimes the BS's actions or inactions play a part (e.g., the "nice guy" syndrome) but, whatever it is, you need to know this and then work on fixing it. Or you can just monitor her actions for the next several decades while hoping for the best (not recommended).

If the facts are as you believe them to be (admittedly, a big "if"), then there is no reason that you and your WW can't have a happy marriage as long as you both want it and are willing to do what it takes. But if only you want it or if she does not believe that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to have a healthy relationship -- either with her or with someone else if she can't be a faithful wife -- then this is probably just the beginning of your problems.

Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do you show---hunter/jumper class, or dressage, or gymkhana----since he is on the same circuit you are on, you need to figure out what shows you wanna go to---and then try to remember, if he has been at those shows in the past----intense competition, is gonna turn her on---whether he is there or not

She says, she is having a tuff time getting him out of her mind---then she needs some inducement-----sexting, is akin to having sex with this guy---I promise you they each fulfilled their physical needs, then and there, while on the phone with each other---so he is firmly entrenched in her mind, sexually and physically----

You need some hard reality here, to knock him completely from her mind---how far you are willing to go with this is up to you---also make sure she doesn't have a burner phone secreted away somewhere----for that is standard in the cheaters handbook

If you show hunters/jumpers---2 of the major judges are personal friends of mine---andrea meek, and cindy hale----I can always put in a good word for you, if you do, do hunter/jumpers

Good luck on this---stay very wary, no matter what your wife says/does---and you must work on knocking this guy out of her consciousness---for until you do---things are still in jeoparady


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sageweller said:


> She is committed to trying.


When it comes to this kind of emotional torture..."there is no try, there is only do"

Your old lady just told you there is no quarentee in her affair proofing the marriage. And that my friend is very very bad!

until she excepts this bullcrap and takes step to "do" the heavy lifting to affair proof the marriage by being transparent, seeking pro help and exposing her unhealthy behavior by asking fo help from faily and friends she is just sweeping this sh1t under ther rug.

Dude you guys both need to face this crap head on and ask other for support and edugate your selves.

You guys can't change, learn or prevent this behavior until you face it head on and know how infidelity works in distroying a marraige.....Look it it straight in the eye and turn it away!


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

> She said she had no sexual thoughts about him just wanted to see how he had did at a horse show he went to this weekend


She is lying.



> So do you think it's unreasonable for me to want her not to think about him sexually or not?


Its not unreasonable to want that. But you aren't going to be able to get her to not think about him that way or any other way. And you'll never know it. She'll always lie.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can't control her thoughts and feelings.

You can tell her "if you ever look at his facebook again, I assume that means you want to be married to him instead of to me, and will proceed accordingly"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You can't control her thoughts and feelings.
> 
> You can tell her "if you ever look at his facebook again, I assume that means you want to be married to him instead of to me, and will proceed accordingly"


:iagree:You can only control what you will put up with.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> Is there anyway I can block his number so she can't call or text and he can't call or text? Its an Iphone 3gs jailbroken AT&T.
> Thanks


Yup, in the AT&T website you can select her number and block (I think it's up to) 10 numbers. You can turn her phone into a brick form there if you want to! 

Edit: Oops, I'm a little slow on the uptake there. 

BTW, it's too soon for her to forget him sexually, no matter what drivel comes out of her mouth. 

I was raised showing horses. Sell them all, buy 4 wheelers or dirt bikes. Lots more fun, and it'll keep you off the show circuit. Far cheaper too.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Little update on wife and I. Things have gone real well besides the occasional fight but that is to be expected I guess. She went on a shopping trip for a couple days with some old college roommates this weekend. While on the trip she met up with a mutual female friend of the OM. She had told me about this before she left that she was going to meet up with her and I was fine with it. They all went out to eat together as a group and then went to a bar afterwards. Sometime in the night the OM was brought up and the mutual friend started texting the OM. He ended up calling the mutual friend and talked to her and then the OM asked to talk to my wife. My wife says that she knew she shouldn't talk to him but didn't want to tip off mutual friend that something was going on. I will just copy and paste my wife's email she sent me. She is still on her way home and told me that she had something she needed to tell me and said she could wait till she got home or email me.


" First off, I love you and am committed to making it work with you. That's why I want to be honest. Last night I brought up Om with mutual friend after we'd been drinking. Part of me wishes they would get together and another part wanted to know if he had told her. She started texting him then and then he called her phone. He asked about me and she gave me the phone. I know i should have just said No I don't want to talk to him but I didn't. At that point i didnt want mutual friend to know. He asked me how you found out and I told him it didn't matter and that I shouldnt be talking to him and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I told him I was committed to making it work with you and that we had been doing counseling. He said that he would respect that if thats what i wanted and wanted me to be happy. I told him I wanted the same for us both and that I wish I could take it all back. I said I was sorry about everything. I alsked him if he had told anyone and he said no. That's all I can think of that was said. I was drinking so my mind is a little fuzzy about it. But we didn't talk about wanting to be together or doing anything together. I feel I made it clear that it was over. 

I know I shouldn't have talked to him at all. You have every right to be angry. I just wanted to be honest about it. Mutual friend heard part of the conversation so I told her an abbreviated version of everything that happened. We talked about it for a little while.

Again. I'm sorry for talking to him. I love you and am about halfway through the book. It's very jmportant to be completely honest about indiscretions so we can rebuild the trust. I know i messed up big time but I hope we can work though this. 

I love you. "

What do you guys think? I know she did the right thing in telling me but when will it end?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

It will end when she finally puts YOUR feelings first. She did not want to upset her friend and hurting you was a very distant second to that. She fvcked you over AGAIN. I am not saying leave her but she has just tore your heart out. You trusted her in this trip even tho I would not of and for your trust she betrayed you AGAIN. Ask her when is she going to put your feelings first? When is the fact that she keeps ripping your heart out going to get into her head? When will she GET IT? I don't know I would have her join TAM and start her own thread she has a LOT of growing up to do.

1. She betrayed your trust AGAIN

2. She betrayed your love AGAIN

3. She STILL puts others feelings ahead of YOURS.

4. She still does not understand the pain that her affair caused you. No one who REALLY gets the pain would do this. They just would not even if they had to drop this friend they would not do this.

Please let us know how it goes the more you post the better we can help you both recover.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

Would you or would you not have her sign up and make her own post?



CEL said:


> It will end when she finally puts YOUR feelings first. She did not want to upset her friend and hurting you was a very distant second to that. She fvcked you over AGAIN. I am not saying leave her but she has just tore your heart out. You trusted her in this trip even tho I would not of and for your trust she betrayed you AGAIN. Ask her when is she going to put your feelings first? When is the fact that she keeps ripping your heart out going to get into her head? When will she GET IT? I don't know I would have her join TAM and start her own thread she has a LOT of growing up to do.
> 
> 1. She betrayed your trust AGAIN
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I wouldn't have let her go on that trip from the start personally. Especially if she's out drinking with mutual friends of the OM which turns into a drunk phone conversations with him. Did you set any boundaries for her at all?? Because it really doesn't sound like you have. Did she face any consequences for what she did from you??

Honesty is all well and good but she should have told her friend she didn't feel like talking to him and left it at that. She didn't owe the mutual friend any type of explanation whatsoever.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I would have her make her own thread. So she can tell her side. She will get some flak but this will allow her to see how much pain you are going through. Also I would keep this thread but also post in the Reconciliation thread.

She will get a lot out of being challenged on her own thread it will stimulate growth and understanding.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

The boundaries were pretty simple no contact with OM what so ever. We were doing so well and I can't keep her on a chain forever so I thought I could trust her to go on this trip. I don't have any consequences for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Sageweller said:


> Little update on wife and I. Things have gone real well besides the occasional fight but that is to be expected I guess. She went on a shopping trip for a couple days with some old college roommates this weekend. While on the trip she met up with a mutual female friend of the OM. She had told me about this before she left that she was going to meet up with her and I was fine with it. They all went out to eat together as a group and then went to a bar afterwards. Sometime in the night the OM was brought up and the mutual friend started texting the OM. He ended up calling the mutual friend and talked to her and then the OM asked to talk to my wife. My wife says that she knew she shouldn't talk to him but didn't want to tip off mutual friend that something was going on. I will just copy and paste my wife's email she sent me. She is still on her way home and told me that she had something she needed to tell me and said she could wait till she got home or email me.
> 
> 
> " First off, I love you and am committed to making it work with you. That's why I want to be honest. Last night I brought up Om with mutual friend after we'd been drinking. Part of me wishes they would get together and another part wanted to know if he had told her. She started texting him then and then he called her phone. He asked about me and she gave me the phone. I know i should have just said No I don't want to talk to him but I didn't. At that point i didnt want mutual friend to know. He asked me how you found out and I told him it didn't matter and that I shouldnt be talking to him and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I told him I was committed to making it work with you and that we had been doing counseling. He said that he would respect that if thats what i wanted and wanted me to be happy. I told him I wanted the same for us both and that I wish I could take it all back. I said I was sorry about everything. I alsked him if he had told anyone and he said no. That's all I can think of that was said. I was drinking so my mind is a little fuzzy about it. But we didn't talk about wanting to be together or doing anything together. I feel I made it clear that it was over.
> ...


Dear Sageweller,

It won't end until you end it. Your WW has repeatedly betrayed you. You told her she was to have no contact with the OM and she ignored your request. The question now is, what are you going to do about that?

The fact that she admitted it doesn't change things. If anything, it makes it look like she knows she can defy you and get away with it. Why is that?

You say that _"[t]hings have gone real well besides the occasional fight . . ."_ Well, they seem to be going well for her. She can go off on a shopping spree with her friends, she can go out drinking who knows where, she can talk to the OM. Is there anything she can't do?

It seems to me that you have very low expectations for your marriage. I suspect that you are a "nice guy" who doesn't know how to stand up for yourself and fails to set boundaries. If this is at all accurate, you should get and read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Robert Glover.

Beyond that, you need to start giving your WW consequences for her actions. In my earlier post, I said:

_"What you need to do is to tell your WW what you expect from her and what will be the consequences if she does not live up to your expectations. You are not dictating her actions, you are just letting her know what will happen if she crosses a line that you have drawn. She cannot object to this as she has every right to let you know what her expectations are of you.

You might say, 'If you ever contact the OM again or even inquire about him, I will consider that a breach of your promise to end it with him and will file for divorce.'"_

I gather that you did not do this. Well, now would be good time.

The bottom line is that your WW acts as if she has very little respect for you. You need to figure out why and change that. If not, you are in for a world of hurt down the road.


P.S.: It would also be a good idea to read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It explains the behaviors that a man needs to display to attract woman and keep them interested in a relationship. Seems like you are falling down in this area, as well.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I appreciate the reply. 



carmen ohio said:


> Dear Sageweller,
> 
> It won't end until you end it. Your WW has repeatedly betrayed you. You told her she was to have no contact with the OM and she ignored your request. The question now is, what are you going to do about that?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> The boundaries were pretty simple no contact with OM what so ever. We were doing so well and I can't keep her on a chain forever so I thought I could trust her to go on this trip. I don't have any consequences for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you gave her *ONE* boundry that she's already broken, and no consequences for anything she's done. Including breaking the *ONE *boundry. It's not about "keeping her on a chain" but you need to take serious steps to protect your marriage after what she did and continues to do, which going over your thread it really doesn't sound like you've done much at all in that regard.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

So hold on.

1. She wrote NC

2. You called the guy

3. She Unfriended him on FB

And she still manages to talk to him. Yeah I second my own posts. Shakes head she has no idea of your pain and disregards it whenever it is convenient for her.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Don't ever even think about talking to someone you have cheated with. Its betrayal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This is why it's important to expose the affair to friends, especially fiends she shares with OM.

Sorry, but the gf she went shopping with needs to be dumped. Not only is this friend in contact with the OM, she is enabling ongoing contact with the OM AND your wife is freaking trying to set her up with the OM.

Guess how much the two of them will be talking about the OM if she dates him?

Your wife got a little rope, and the first thing she does is go gushing onto the gf how great the OM is, and then spends quality time of the phone with him.

Seriously, this isn't her being in no contact this is her blowing through everything entire because she wants to and she didn't give a flying-XXXX care about you, your marriage or anything other her selfish cheating self.

Now she's trying to cover herself by coming sort of clean after the fact.

If you let her get away with this calling it a little slip up , your marriage is doomed because she will use this excuse over and over.

BTW that nice little chat with her friend about the OM fired up a ton of happy fun dopamine and reinforced the affair high, which is what she was riding on when the chance came to talk to him. Guess what , that convo as now given her a major major affair fog hit. Her little opposie just set your R way back.

Do going nuclear is the appropriate response here.

The friend needs to be gone. She's enabling the affair and continuing contact and attention to the OM.

You need to get busy exposing the affair to other mutual friends ASAP.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, are you sure the story is fully true or, did they possibly meet up with him in person?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sageweller said:


> My wife was sexting and calling a friend of hers. They have been friends since childhood. They have always been friends but *they have never acted on it till just r ecently. This took place over about 4 days while she was away from home visiting family. They sexted twice and exchanged a couple pics.* I had my suspensions so I checked her phone when she got home and she had deleted her texts from him. I approached her and she admitted to flirting with him via text and knew it was wrong and told him also. I continued to ask her about it and she finally broke down and told me everything. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 with a two year old son. We have had our rough spots and just recently had been in a rut but nothing that warranted this? I admit I'm not a real good communicator and don't tell her I love her all the time but I do. This really hurt me and I'm very angry at her. She admitted that she knew it was wrong but just couldnt stop her self. She said she liked thinking about it. She kind of has a history of doing this because when we first started dating we had a fight and she went and talked to a friend and it led to a kiss. We both want to try to make it work. I'm not sure i can trust or forgive her. What should we do?


This whole story does not make sense. Not just what's quoted above, but the whole thread and that it's still going on as much as it is now. This attachment to the other man did not happen over four days. This is something that has been brewing for months, if not years, and they finally acted on it. If she never had feelings for him before, and it was just four days, and then it ended, she wouldn't be struggling as much as she is now. There is a big piece missing from this puzzle.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, are you sure the story is fully true or, did they possibly meet up with him in person?


My thoughts too. Sage, you would be knee deep in denial if you didn't have suspicions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> This whole story does not make sense. Not just what's quoted above, but the whole thread and that it's still going on as much as it is now. This attachment to the other man did not happen over four days. This is something that has been brewing for months, if not years, and they finally acted on it. If she never had feelings for him before, and it was just four days, and then it ended, she wouldn't be struggling as much as she is now. There is a big piece missing from this puzzle.


I get the feeling that there is much more that the OP doesn't know, and the more I think about it the more I wonder about this so called shopping trip.

Maybe time to check receipts and times.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I get the feeling that there is much more that the OP doesn't know, and the more I think about it the more I wonder about this so called shopping trip.
> 
> Maybe time to check receipts and times.


Christ, once you've gone through something like this you can almost smell it. 

Snoop, compare, and confront Sage. I had more than three weeks between the discovery of an EA to the revelation of a PA with my WW. Trust nothing she says without concrete evidence to support it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sage.

You have to forgive me on this. I'm 65 and use my cell phone for phone calls only and I don't understand sexting. Is it just dirty talk between two people or is sexting sending racy photos. Is that what happened?


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

6301 said:


> Sage.
> 
> You have to forgive me on this. I'm 65 and use my cell phone for phone calls only and I don't understand sexting. Is it just dirty talk between two people or is sexting sending racy photos. Is that what happened?


To but it bluntly they made each other orgasm via there texting and they also sent each other photos. 
This trip was legit because I know exactly where she was. 
This first incident I also know exactly where she was so no way of anything else happening
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Shopping trip with girlfriends?

Sage, the leash is way to loose. It needs to be much tighter.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sageweller said:


> To but it bluntly they made each other orgasm via there texting and they also sent each other photos.
> This trip was legit because I know exactly where she was.
> This first incident I also know exactly where she was so no way of anything else happening
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You my know where she was , but are your sure with whom, or whom she was in contact with?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You better have a consequence for this---cuz she KNEW DA*N WELL SHE HAD A BOUNDARY

she justifies talking to him, with a lame excuse, she didn't want her GF to know, there was a problem

All your wife had to do was to say I don't wanna talk to the guy, and walk away---her GF, wouldn't have pursued this, she certainly wouldn't have chased after her with the phone begging her to talk to the guy

Your wife wanted to talk to him, and even if she told the truth about telling him no more contact---SHE BROKE A BOUNDARY

She needs consequences----actually you might just ask her if she would like to be set free, so she can talk to men all the time---tell her since she does NOT RESPECT you, and she has no trouble breaking the only boundary you put on her---tell her maybe D, needs to go on the table

She needs to have some serious discussion about what she is all about--- she cannot be trusted to go off on her own---every time she leaves you---SHE MANAGES TO GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM

This crap about I love you----BUT---if she loved you THAT CONVERSATION WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED---all the work that has been done---is wasted---he is back in her mind firmly as ever, due to hearing his voice, and conversing with him

You need to make her accountable with a consequence YESTERDAY----A STIFF CONSEQUENCE


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

We talked last night. I told her that **** has to come to the an end. I told her that she had to sign up on here and post, she didn't like it but agreed to it. I told she needed an individual counselor. She agreed to that and she thinks something is wrong with her as she knows its going to tear our family apart but did anyway. She voluntarily said she wants to quit drinking as she never wants to get in that situation again. I told her if she broke the boundary again she would have to sign a post nup more less saying she would get nothing and would only get to see our son once a month. After another breech I would file for d. She didn't not like that all but agreed and she said it wouldn't be an issue as she never would do it again. I also told her she had to tell her parents about it. (They are also mutual friends with om). She didn't like this either but said she would tell her mom. The mutual friend that had the phone she used told her that she was stupid for messing around with OM as she had a great husband. Wife said that she felt she wanted to be friends with her still as she was having relationship troubles herself with another man and needed a friend. She said that she would only talk to her while I was around. She has no interest in hooking up with OM. I told her she needed to be totally upfront with her that they she could not have contact with OM and they could not talk about OM. She said she would tell her. Am I back on track again?

QUOTE=jnj express;2877618]You better have a consequence for this---cuz she KNEW DA*N WELL SHE HAD A BOUNDARY

she justifies talking to him, with a lame excuse, she didn't want her GF to know, there was a problem

All your wife had to do was to say I don't wanna talk to the guy, and walk away---her GF, wouldn't have pursued this, she certainly wouldn't have chased after her with the phone begging her to talk to the guy

Your wife wanted to talk to him, and even if she told the truth about telling him no more contact---SHE BROKE A BOUNDARY

She needs consequences----actually you might just ask her if she would like to be set free, so she can talk to men all the time---tell her since she does NOT RESPECT you, and she has no trouble breaking the only boundary you put on her---tell her maybe D, needs to go on the table

She needs to have some serious discussion about what she is all about--- she cannot be trusted to go off on her own---every time she leaves you---SHE MANAGES TO GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM

This crap about I love you----BUT---if she loved you THAT CONVERSATION WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED---all the work that has been done---is wasted---he is back in her mind firmly as ever, due to hearing his voice, and conversing with him

You need to make her accountable with a consequence YESTERDAY----A STIFF CONSEQUENCE[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You think her going away for a few days on a shopping trip to get drunk while you are no where around is legit? We have different ideas of legit. Are you sure it was a phone call and that om didn't show up? 

She demonstrated with her actions what and who she values. It is not you or your marriage. Maintaining no contact is not a difficult thing to understand but if you put up with it...

This doesn't have to be a marriage ended but did you consider insisting that she return home immediately? Your consequences are awful light. If you ever break no contact again then I will really hold you accountable. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Where is the consequence here? If she does it again, then you'll make her sign an unenforceable post-nup?

You need to blow this up. Expose to EVERYONE. Your family, her family, all your friends. She needs to feel a tiny fraction of the pain and discomfort she has inflicted upon you for there to be any chance at an honest reconciliation.

Furthermore, her story sounds like BS. Much more happened than she is revealing but, you have shown her again and again that she can satisfy you with lies and half truths, so that what you get.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Sageweller said:


> We talked last night. I told her that **** has to come to the an end. I told her that she had to sign up on here and post, she didn't like it but agreed to it. I told she needed an individual counselor. She agreed to that and she thinks something is wrong with her as she knows its going to tear our family apart but did anyway. She voluntarily said she wants to quit drinking as she never wants to get in that situation again. I told her if she broke the boundary again she would have to sign a post nup more less saying she would get nothing and would only get to see our son once a month. After another breech I would file for d. She didn't not like that all but agreed and she said it wouldn't be an issue as she never would do it again. I also told her she had to tell her parents about it. (They are also mutual friends with om). She didn't like this either but said she would tell her mom. The mutual friend that had the phone she used told her that she was stupid for messing around with OM as she had a great husband. Wife said that she felt she wanted to be friends with her still as she was having relationship troubles herself with another man and needed a friend. She said that she would only talk to her while I was around. She has no interest in hooking up with OM. I told her she needed to be totally upfront with her that they she could not have contact with OM and they could not talk about OM. She said she would tell her. Am I back on track again?
> 
> QUOTE=jnj express;2877618]You better have a consequence for this---cuz she KNEW DA*N WELL SHE HAD A BOUNDARY
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Sageweller,

You did well. A few comments:

- Make sure she follows through promptly on her commitments (TAM, IC, telling her mom).

- The postnup will not be enforceable. Talk to an attorney about what you can agree to that a court will enforce.

- Allowing her to maintain the relationship with her toxic friend is a bad idea IMO.

The thing that troubles my about your conversation with your WW is that she does not seem to fully grasp the seriousness of your marital problems. A truly remorseful spouse does not negotiate the terms of reconciliation as your WW did but rather accepts the boundaries that the BS lays down and comes up with her own ideas for fixing the marriage.

My advice is to monitor her very closely. I hope that this is the wake-up call she needed but still have some doubts.

Also, read NMMNG and MMSLP.

Good luck.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> I told her if she broke the boundary again she would have to sign a post nup more less saying she would get nothing and would only get to see our son once a month. After another breech I would file for d.


So what are the consequences THIS TIME? There appears to be none. 



> Wife said that she felt she wanted to be friends with her still as she was having relationship troubles herself with another man and needed a friend.


From your wife's own email she admitted that it was she who brought up the subject of the OM. Therefore this mutual friend is dangerous for your wife to be around right now. Please give her a consequence for her actions.

Also your wife isn't really the best person to be doling out relationship advice, is she?



Sageweller said:


> That's all I can think of that was said. I was drinking so my mind is a little fuzzy about it. But we didn't talk about wanting to be together or doing anything together. *I feel I made it clear that it was over. *


By having a cozy chat with OM that your wife instigated? 

Your wife cannot be trusted to behave in a faithful manner when left to her own devices. Judge her by her actions, not her words.

You should also be there when she tells her parents. Don't let her minimise the mutual masturbation sexting and the photos they exchanged.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You're getting on the right track, but that mutual friend has to go. And MAKE SURE that she tells her parents about what she did. Don't just take her word that she's going to do something just because she says she will. Especially something like exposing her own actions. Make sure that she tells them the whole truth, because going on what you've said about her there's a good chance she's going to trickle truth her parents unless you're there to keep the story straight.

You're also going to have to keep monitoring her to make sure that she doesn't fall back into old habits.

Also like someone else said talk to an attorney about the post-nup and see how enforceable they are in your state. I'm hearing more and more stories about men thinking they were covered with a pre-nup or a post-nup only to have the court completely ignore it. 

And I'm pretty sure you can't dictate terms of child custody/support in a pre/post-nup anyway but you might be able to protect some of your finances


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

OP is in thick BSs fog. I dont think he still have the complete truth about her A.

Still he is running hard for R, I dot know why he is in so hurry. Wait man take your own time for R or D.

Next time when she screw around dont punish her with Postnup as you are already planned (You know she will screw around again and again) but Divorce her (not simply filing)


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I think you are in the right track. You need to confirm she does thus stuff. Exposure. TAM. Counseling. The problem is that she just dies not understand how much thus hurts you. Even in your post she says she did it because she wanted to. She knew it would cause problems, knew it would hurt you and did it anyway. THAT is your major problem. You can have her post in the Reconciliation thread if you want it is more friendly. She needs to talk to other WS and BS about this issue.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is polygraph an option?


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

6301 said:


> Sage.
> 
> You have to forgive me on this. I'm 65 and use my cell phone for phone calls only and I don't understand sexting. *Is it just dirty talk between two people or is sexting sending racy photos*. Is that what happened?


Yep. Sexting is dirty talk by text messages and/or sending naughty pics on your cellphone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> They have been friends since childhood. They have always been friends but they have never acted on it till just recently.


*
That you are aware of...*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sageweller said:


> The mutual friend that had the phone she used told her that she was stupid for messing around with OM as she had a great husband. *So says your wife; what did you expect your wife to say, that friend is encouraging your wife to hook up with other man?* Wife said that she felt she wanted to be friends with her still as she was having relationship troubles herself with another man and needed a friend. She said that she would only talk to her while I was around. *I hope you checked that she didn't have her fingers crossed behind her back when she said this.*She has no interest in hooking up with OM. Really? When did it change from sexting to orgasm to having no sexual interest in him? I told her she needed to be totally upfront with her that they she could not have contact with OM and they could not talk about OM. She said she would tell her. *Am I back on track again?*.


No, I don't think you are getting it. Your wife has cheated on you. She has promised no contact, and has broken it. She shouldn't put herself near temptation for the foreseeable future. That means cutting contact with mutual friend who is a link to the other man, it means telling the parents who are mutual friends with the other man, so they can help you protect your marriage, and it means no more girls nights out drinking or weekend trips with the girls. She can go out to brunch with them on Sunday morning.

I think your wife having contact with the mutual friend of other man is a really, really bad idea.

I think your wife is trying her best to keep at least one avenue open through which she can maintain contact with other man.

I don't believe your wife developed such a strong attachment to other man over such a short time period as you have described in your posts.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *
> That you are aware of...*


Listen to this man. Best post I ever saw about Matt was that he was a gentle soul. Not like the angry, rage filled demon like yours truly. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I appreciate all the response. If I said she developed the attachment in just 5 days that's not what I meant. They have been friends since they were kids and they kissed once when they were kids but said it went no further than that. There friendship grew apart as they grew older but occasionally saw or talked to each other. In recent years paths cross more frequent. She tells me that she only acted on it in those 5 days and at this point I don't have any reason to not believe her as I have not found any evidence otherwise. We are both self employed and work together every day so we rarely spend time apart.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I read your thread. I don't know you friend, but from a distance you are taking this disresepect from your wife too non-chalantly. Sounds like you have no one on your side in this affair. If that is the case you better start being your own ally, and you better start holding her feet to the fire. 

Man if I were you I'd have my bags packed and a wad of cash in my pocket ready to head down the road if she does not stop all contact with this so-called friend, and straighten up her act. She seems to have a warped view of what a friend is. I am a friend to a few people and I never tried to break up their marriages.


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## Sageweller (May 30, 2013)

I agree, she tells me she is the one that started it with him but I keep trying to get across to her that it doesn't matter. If he was a good friend to either one of us he never would of went along with it. She has to get it into her head that he is not a good guy and that he is a piece of ****.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Sageweller said:


> I agree, she tells me she is the one that started it with him but I keep trying to get across to her that it doesn't matter. If he was a good friend to either one of us he never would of went along with it. She has to get it into her head that he is not a good guy and that he is a piece of ****.


She is in la la land my friend. So she initiated it huh? That right there tells you where you stand. 

Nah, life is too short. I'd be packing my bags if I were you, or better yet, ask her to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sageweller said:


> I agree, she tells me she is the one that started it with him but I keep trying to get across to her that it doesn't matter. If he was a good friend to either one of us he never would of went along with it. She has to get it into her head that he is not a good guy and that he is a piece of ****.


Ummm, isnt it even WORSE that she started it? Now she's trying to hold on to him? Not good.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First your wife says this:


Sageweller said:


> Sometime in the night the OM was brought up and the mutual friend started texting the OM. He ended up calling the mutual friend and talked to her and then the OM asked to talk to my wife. My wife says that she knew she shouldn't talk to him but didn't want to tip off mutual friend that something was going on.


Then your wife says this:


Sageweller said:


> The mutual friend that had the phone she used told her that she was stupid for messing around with OM as she had a great husband.


You see the inconsistency don't you? For the mutual friend to be telling her that she was stupid for messing around with the other man (OM), the mutual friend had to know that she was messing around with the OM. This makes her statement that she talked to the OM because she "didn't want to tip off mutual friend that something was going on" an obvious lie. Even if the mutual friend did not know that there was something going on with the OM before the call, your wife let her know after the call or by letting her hear the call with the OM. Either way, not wanting the mutual friend know was not the reason that she spoke to the other man.

BTW, the mutual friend is not really your friend. The mutual friend is really just your wife's friend and she facilitated the contact with the OM probably knowing that something was going on between your wife and the OM.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Nice catch Try. 

OP I think you at getting BSd by your wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TRy said:


> You see the inconsistency don't you? For the mutual friend to be telling her that she was stupid for messing around with the other man (OM), the mutual friend had to know that she was messing around with the OM. This makes her statement that she talked to the OM because she "didn't want to tip off mutual friend that something was going on" an obvious lie. Even if the mutual friend did not know that there was something going on with the OM before the call, your wife let her know after the call or by letting her hear the call with the OM. Either way, not wanting the mutual friend know was not the reason that she spoke to the other man.


Not necessary like this. Im not talking whether she's lying or not but her narrative is not contradictory. From her original emial/text (OP pasted it here)


> She started texting him then and then he called her phone. He asked about me and she gave me the phone. I know i should have just said No I don't want to talk to him but I didn't. *At that point* i didnt want mutual friend to know.


Then


> Mutual friend heard part of the conversation so I told her an abbreviated version of everything that happened. We talked about it for a little while.


Which eventualy led to


> Originally Posted by Sageweller View Post
> The mutual friend that had the phone she used told her that she was stupid for messing around with OM as she had a great husband.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Not necessary like this. Im not talking whether she's lying or not but her narrative is not contradictory. From her original emial/text (OP pasted it here)
> ThenWhich eventualy led to


 What you texted from her conversation is consistent with me saying that "Even if the mutual friend did not know that there was something going on with the OM before the call, your wife let her know after the call or by letting her hear the call with the OM." If the wife's goal was not to let the mutual friend know about her relationship when she took the call with the other man (OM), then she would have not spoke to the OM within earshot of the mutual friend; as a cheater she already had experience not taking calls to the OM within earshot of the husband, so she would already know to do this. This is a best case scenario where you believe the wife's statement that the mutual friend did not know all along. Either way, nothing that you posted changes that the wife let the friend know after supposedly only taking the call so the friend would not know.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Below is what the wife posted about her still wanting to talk to the other man (OM), and how she ended up talking to the OM on the phone.


sagewife said:


> However, I missed the excitement of talking to the OM and his friendship.





sagewife said:


> For some reason, I just couldn't shake caring about his happiness. She started texting the OM on her phone and I was drinking and joined in. We didn't talk about anything sexual, but after a lull in our texts, he called. She didn't want to talk to him (has no sexual attraction to him, she's in love with somebody else) so she gave the phone to me. I knew that it was a bad idea, but lowered inhibitions from the alcohol and yes, I admit, the idea of talking to him was exciting, so I took the phone.


OK notice how the story changed so that she was also texting the OM. Notice how she does not say here that she took the phone because she did not want the mutual friend to know about the issue, but instead admits that "the idea of talking to him was exciting, so I took the phone". Case closed. She spoke to the OM because she wanted to because it was "exciting".

That being said, the OP's wife is taking a big positive step in posting here. She knew from our posts that many of us were not buying the bull*** version and I believe is finally telling the truth here. Please do not bash her when she is finally starts doing the right thing. We need to encourage her to post to this site, not just for her husband, but for her. It usually take people longer to heal from the secrets and lies than from the actual act of cheating. If posting here gets her to tell the truth to her husband, then she needs to be encouraged to post here without fear of being beat up.

This is a link to her thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/96169-i-cheated-help.html


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are right. Got it now.
Glad to hear she's posting. Reading her thread just now.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Brave of both of them. Don't think I'd want my WW posting. This is my only outlet for a lot of my feelings, concerns. Rather keep that book locked, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Sageweller,

I just posted a response to your WW's new thread. Perhaps I've totally misread her but I don't sense from what she wrote that she is genuinely remorseful. I also doubt that she has given you the full story.

This is your marriage and your life so what I think doesn't really matter. What matters is that she is being honest with you and that you are holding her accountable.

My advice would be to go slow with the reconciliation process. Let her know how deeply you are hurt by her repeated betrayals and that she needs to convince you by her actions that she deserves another chance. Don't be too quick to forgive and don't let your guard down.

For your sake, I really hope that I am wrong about her.


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## sagewife (Jul 8, 2013)

Thanks for you responses. What kind of actions should I expect of her? Should there be a time frame placed on this reconciliation?

Sorry this is Sageweller.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP are you posting to this site using the same computer as your wife?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

sagewife said:


> Thanks for you responses. What kind of actions should I expect of her? Should there be a time frame placed on this reconciliation?
> 
> Sorry this is Sageweller.


Sageweller,

First, make sure she follows through with what you asked for back on July 1 (she starts IC, quits drinking, responds to TAM posters). Also, speak to an attorney about an enforceable post-nup. I would also schedule a polygraph test for her (to be sure you've gotten the full story). I would also insist that she not go on any more trips without you. I was wondering if it is possible that she met up with the OM when she was with her BF?

If you want to see how a truly remorseful WS talks, check out DevastatedDad's thread, "She Cheated. I hate my life." and read the posts by his WW, ChangingMe.

Beyond that, it's for you to decide what you need from her and what you will put up with. Maybe she comes across better in person than she does on TAM. In the end, what you have to decide is whether she is really committed to your marriage and if she has the kind of feelings for you that you want from her. If you think not, then speak to an attorney about a divorce.

I don't think one can put a time limit on reconciliation since, by its nature, it's a long-term and even perpetual endeavor. But I wouldn't wait too long before speaking to a lawyer if I weren't satisfied that she was doing everything she should (in attitude, words and deeds) to make up for her unfaithfulness.

Hope this is helpful.


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