# Could really do with some advice



## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

Hi all, 

First of all I want to say that for the last month or so this site has been "god send" to me , even just reading other people`s posts and knowing I am not the only person going through this living hell.

I am now however In a situation that i feel the need to post and hopefully pick up some advice as i am completely lost. 

Since a week before xmas my wife and I have separated twice, getting back together for the third time less than a week ago. the first day or so was fine, planning a holiday etc and generally getting on well. Now i know we both had faults and i was well aware that our relationship would have to be rebuilt, however out of nowhere on day 3 she tells me that she is struggling to have any feelings at all and does not love me. Prior to this i did have the "i love you , but i am not in love with you" line but to hear that there is no love at all was a killer blow to me.

So we have had arguments to the point yesterday where i completely shut off. I woke yesterday morning thinking this cannot continue and i need to protect myself, so rather than doing a 180 i just shut away all together, not speaking , or only speaking if i needed to , even then keeping to one word answers. 

I have to point out that we both run a business together which makes it even more complex and difficult.

After my wife noticed this change in mood, no longer trying to be nice etc etc she suggested going to counselling saying she was desperate to sort something out. In her words it will either show there is something there to work on , or there is not and it will make the split easier, this i feel is her whole motive for it as i don`t think deep down in my heart that she wants to try and resolve the issues.

My question really is this, do i try and get out of this shell i have created , try to be there and talking and chatting etc while we go to the counselling or do i just continue to show nothing, no emotion at all. I am really scared to show any emotion , to then hear in a few weeks time it is definitely over. I love my wife completely , she is my life and i am struggling to even think of us not being together, but i feel i have to protect myself somehow. I have been to the point of suicide when we separated the last time and i just cannot go through that again.

Lone37


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lone,

What were the issues leading up to the seperations? The more detail you provide will help others here give you better advice.


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## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

I guess i was a little vague , to keen maybe just to get something down in black n white to get some help.

I will keep this as condensed as i can so its not to much to read.

I guess it all really started maybe 3 years ago when my wife opened up to me that she was needing/wanting to add something else sexually to our lives, that being BDSM. She said at that point it has always been something in her, after talking about it etc (as this was not anything in my life at all , ever) I agreed that if thats what she wanted we could explore that.

Now all good up to a point, it did kind of add something to our sex life , a little spice, kink , call it what you will. But after a time it became clear to me this was more than just some bedroom kink. It got to the point of being involved in various chat rooms online and more recently , maybe a year or so going to clubs etc. It started to become her life!

The online side got to me a hell of a lot, as it was more than just chit chat etc , it got to the point of her wanting to mess around with others online to the point i could see emotions coming in to play. Me being stupid , or maybe even scared to knock it on the head fearing it would end us as a couple i let it continue, to the point i switched off. It was kind of letting her do her thing and me just sitting back (my fault i know).

Around maybe 8-9 months ago i was suggesting a break for us both , due to the stresses of the business etc , so i was looking at various locations in the caribbean, the response i got was , thats all very nice but can we not travel to xyz and meet up with some of "these friends" online. Of course i was taken aback by this , i mean i am sitting there looking at St Lucia etc and the only interest was this other lifestyle.

So around 6-7 months ago we did have an argument and it all came out. My wife telling me she has changed , I can no longer give what she needs, maybe we are more like friends, all in all looking back she was really breaking up the marriage then. Of course i was devastated, my whole world fell apart.

We kind of put that behind us by me maybe telling her incorrectly that i could give her what she needs, so it went on.

The chatting that was going on online the more it was just consuming my life, the more it was pushing me away. And not really just chit chat , but the very nature of the chat itself.

Around maybe 3-4 weeks before xmas I started talking to a woman online ( I do want to stress at this point , nothing was going on at all) it was simply for me someone to talk to about normal things, interests , normal day to day stuff. 2 Weeks before xmas i was accused of having an affair (an emotional affair) with this person . Now with everything that had been going on up to that point i was angry which i made very clear.

Stupidly maybe, because of the way i was feeling , i became very stubborn and though to myself well if that`s what you think i will treat it that way so the chatting continued until the point i said to my wife maybe we are not right for each other, this was a week before xmas.

Looking back at this , i was stupid for doing that i guess i was maybe calling her bluff , test her if you like to see how she reacted. I will say , i was surprised how easy she took that and how easy it was for her to pack a bag and go to her parents for xmas and leave me without so much as a fight.

Having some lonely time on my own over xmas , we talked about all of the issues and decided to get back together. My first issue being , something i feel is important is knowing we have a strong foundation of love and wanting to be with each other. the second night in we go out for dinner and the "lifestyle" topic comes up , meaning after a nice meal can we go to a club that is all about the "lifestyle". I said no , explaining there is no talk of any of this , more so when we are out for dinner.

The following night we separated again. This time living in the same house but living seperate lives. I knew deep down this is just not what i wanted at all but tried to get on again thinking if this is really what she wants then so be it and i will move on.

Again after a lot of thought and i guess really because i wanted our marriage to survive or at the very least be worked on , again we talked and again we got back together again i tool her out for dinner and yes again after 30 minutes of sitting down the whole topic comes up again .

I was so angry , thinking why the hell can we not just sit and have dinner and talk in general about us and our marriage, why does this always have to come up.

So again we split that night (maybe me again , maybe how i dealt with it i dont know). What i do know is that she could not wait to get back online when that was decided and again i was left just sitting in shock.

So here i am again , got back together last week , there is not so much talk of "that" infact none at all . It is now however a case of her telling me she does not have the same feelings for me , does not love me etc. That is when i switched off and locked myself away , at which point she brought up counseling as she is desperate to sort this out.

Sitting her typing this i am even thinking to myself should i be fighting for this marriage, is it worth it. I do however feel and i have voiced this , that she is obsessed even addicted and that she may even be chasing something that is not there.

I dont know. All i do know is i want my wife back , i want our life back. I am and have been understanding all of my faults but she will just open up to the issues she has thrown at us to get to this stage.

Our next session with the counselor is on Friday at which point i intend to bring all of this and more detail out into the conversation. I am not sure how comfortable that will be , but it needs to be done.

Again , question is to i keep being locked away or do i try and be chatty etc while we get to the bottom of all this.


Edited to add : Everything appeared to be going fine up until Friday, when at work i was getting the impression that conversations were being hidden. Walking into her office and a race to close a window on PC etc, when i brought this up as a concern it all went down hill. Me being accused of bullying , manipulating etc at which point thats when she pulled away all weekend and all i heard was not having the same feelings for me etc.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

A *little* vague??? :rofl:

Sorry brother, but that made me chuckle. Good luck.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

She's in the scene. 
You're not.

Unless she's simply curious about the scene (which I was some odd few years ago), you guys are pretty much done I think. For most people in the scene (apart from the fringe dabblers), this is it, this is where they live and eat and breathe. 

Unless of course you're happy to be whipped as a form of foreplay before intimacy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Seems that you opened the box a few years ago and now you want to close it and she doesn't

You've changed and so has she. You seem to have reverted back to the person you were before the dragon was let loose and she prefers to stay with this new lifestyle.

Has your BDSM play included sex with others outside your marriage? I assume yes

Your wife is in to it. You're not (anymore). Time to go your own way.


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## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

No not at all, that is what i think got to me and maybe i should have seen the signs early on. I was never into anything re play with others just was not me.

Looking back , my wife`s appetite to do that should have been enough for me to deal with it then, in fact i recall a conversation we had when she said she was questioning herself wanting to play with others etc. Again looking back maybe i was scared to admit to myself what was really going on.

The main issue i have now is the fact that any of this is not even open for discussion , it appears no matter what i was into or wanting to do she is saying she has no feelings at all for me. That is what hurts, I could understand having a conversation (a real conversation) and me saying sorry but that`s not me so you have to decide if you want me or not, its a simple case of you mean nothing to me now so no need for discussion.

That is the only point I guess i am wanting to be at, its hard to accept that i mean so little over this that a real adult conversation cannot take place. It appears for whatever reason even If i was into it she has no interest in me. Because of her head being with someone else? who the hell knows, my head is a damn mess.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Lone37 said:


> No not at all, that is what i think got to me and maybe i should have seen the signs early on. I was never into anything re play with others just was not me.
> 
> Looking back , my wife`s appetite to do that should have been enough for me to deal with it then, in fact i recall a conversation we had when she said she was questioning herself wanting to play with others etc. Again looking back maybe i was scared to admit to myself what was really going on.
> 
> ...


Hmm. Possible. 

Look - you're vanilla, she wants a dom (or wants to be a dom). It's a whole personality/role-play thing, you're either in or out. I don't even think it has anything to do with you as a person. You might as well be trying to get with a woman who's into women (not sure if the L word is allowed on here).


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## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

Look, I am well aware of the whole lifestyle and yes its more about wanting a Dom and her not being Domme, i have gone down a whole path with all of this. Again this issue is now why not even wanting to discuss the issue at all, have i called her bluff to many times and testing what i feel is more important which is a foundation of love no matter what. That is the point i am getting at.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Lone37 said:


> Look, I am well aware of the whole lifestyle and yes its more about wanting a Dom and her not being Domme, i have gone down a whole path with all of this. Again this issue is now why not even wanting to discuss the issue at all, have i called her bluff to many times and testing what i feel is more important which is a foundation of love no matter what. That is the point i am getting at.


Ah. I get it.

You're quite right, her inability/relunctance to discuss does raise issues that seems to indicate a deeper issue.


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## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

Yes that`s just it, i feel i could turn to her now and say ,actually you did not know this but i have been in the scene for years etc etc and she would not want to know.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lone,

It doesn't really seem to matter what you want at this point because she doesn't want you

I think yu're both better off going your own ways. After you've disolved the relation, go 100% dark on her and never contact her again


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## Lone37 (Feb 3, 2013)

Guess that`s really what i know deep down. Having no contact at all is the tricky part as we run a business together which makes it more of a mess.

But to be honest , I would have to 100% dark so whatever needs doing in order to do that , then so be it. I do feel at this point that she is pushing for counseling as she knows herself that everything goes , including the business as it will be impossible to work together.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Can the business be sold and you two split the proceeds or can one of you buy the other out?


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