# How are the children after divorce?



## lostsoul2011

I'm contemplating a divorce, but I'm hanging on for the sake of our children. I want to know, is it really hard on them? I have 4, ages 4-10.


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## Feelingalone

Lostsoul2011,

I really can't truly answer that for you. I've been divorced 5 months now after a 14 months physical separation. My son, who is now 8, seems to be ok. He hasn't become disruptive in school or things like that; however, I don't think I will really know for years. Something I am watching closely.

Just like us, children go through the five stages of loss during these things. It is just harder to tell where they are at, at least with my son. He is "clingy" when with me. I believe a fear of abandonment. I don't know if he ever cried about it, because if he did he did it with his mother and not me. This was her choice, not mine.

And it does suck. That's my two cents.


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## notreadytoquit

I have also been divorced since since Sep 2010 and I have a 2 year old son. I cannot really tell huge difference in his behaviour but as his father leave in the US and we are in CAnada I notice that sometimes he does not recognize him on Skype. He is ok to go with him or me. In fact he is a very friendly guy. However once he is older and understands he will find out what his father did(affair). In the meantime I will keep my mouth shut and not talk bad about his father. I believe that children need to be told the truth in an appropirate language to their age.

Like FA, my ex H chose to have a affair, and he was the one that filed for divorce. No remorse, no apology nada up to this day. In fact, the evidence I found almost suggest how this was all premeditated and pre planned with the help of the OW(who also divorced her husband)

Have you exhausted all avenues in fixing whatever is wrong in your marriage? Divorce is one really, really hurtful and devastating experience especially when it has been spiced up with adultery.


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## Babyheart

My husband has been gone a month, not sure where it's headed. We have 3 kids aged 9, 7 & 4. I never talk badly to them about him, but I can see how its hitting them. The youngest is acting out & he has angry outbursts over nothing. My daughter seems to be dealing with it fine, she fell apart in the beginning & now seems used to the idea. The oldest boy is having the hardest time, he told he he no longer looks up to dad & he is trying to act like a daddy to his little brother so he doesnt miss him so much. Its very hard to hear that from him & I have no clue what to do. I do not know how my husband can live with the fact that he took that trust the kids had in him & tore it apart. 

Guess the question would be - why are u considering divorce?


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## sisters359

We've been divorced a year, apart for about 18 months. The kids are doing well in school, having fun with friends, and they talk to me if they have concerns. I've done what I can to shield them from their father's recent break-down, but they know he is "very sad" a lot of the time. Having a routine and making them to total focus of my time seems to help. Their dad was never a big part of their daily life, sad to say, so they don't miss things he used to do for/with them, b/c there wasn't that much. 

I think how the children fare depends on a couple of things. First, the parents need to work at not "splitting" the kids--anything that makes the kids feel they need to choose sides, from careless comments to custody fights. All of that has proven truly damaging to kids. Second, when one or both parents then try to force a new partner on the kids, I think it can be really awful for them. They need the stability of mom and dad's full attention for a couple of years, IMO, at least. I too think the "fall out" may be down the road, but the fact that they have made the initial transition well gives me hope that they will come through all this ok. Communicating openly at an age-appropriate level is really important, too, so keep the channels open. With 4, you will really have your hands full trying to give them individual attention, which they will need, so recruit family and friends as you can so you can get one-on-one time with each on at least a weekly basis, and try for at least a few minutes each day with them 1-on-1, too. Bedtime is good, or in the car, if you ever have them alone then. Good luck whatever you choose.


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## RobleyBlake

Divorce can be extremely traumatic to families, especially children. My children’s picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad takes us through a myriad of emotions that two children, Stephen and Alex experience through this tumultuous period. The children, especially Alex gives an extremely candid and honest account of the day to day trauma, the hostility and at times the many poignant memories that he has. Living with Mom, Spending Time with Dad also addresses the concerns and anguish of being torn between two parents. Throughout the story there is that underlying hope that everything will turn out alright and everyone will be back in their original comfort zone.


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## greeneyeddolphin

My oldest son was almost 3, and my youngest was 20 days old when my divorce was finalized. I was 6 months pregnant with the youngest when I filed for divorce, because he was a liar, a cheater, and got himself arrested a week after we separated. 

My kids have never seemed to be all that bothered by the fact that we are divorced. My ex doesn't come to see them, doesn't contact them at all, by his own choice. I don't know if his complete absence from their lives has anything to do with why they seem to have dealt so well with it or not. When my oldest started school, he did ask about his father a few times the first couple of years, wanting to know why he didn't see him and where he was and stuff like that. I answered his questions the best I could, never lying but also never saying anything that might have hurt their feelings. I never talk bad about their father to them, I do vent to my boyfriend or my parents or friends when the kids aren't around. 

It's been almost 8 years, and I do still carefully watch for any indication that they are bothered. I talk to them regularly and make sure they know they can talk to me about anything, no matter what it is. 

One thing I do know is that hanging on to a dead marriage just for the kids benefit isn't doing them any favors. Kids are a lot smarter and more intuitive than we give them credit for, and they know when things aren't right. They pick up on the tension and that affects them, just as badly if not worse than divorce. At least when you divorce, both parents usually are happier afterward, which means that although things are different, there is that relief of no more tension, fighting, angry silences, etc. 

The best thing you can do is to weigh all the options carefully, be sure you've tried everything to save the marriage, be sure divorce is really what you want, and then just be there for your kids. If you think they need to see a counselor to deal with it, find one for them. Make sure they know you are there for them and that they can talk to you about anything.


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## mariem1967

I always say that if your marriage is not happy not even your kids will be no matter how hard you try to hide it or act like everythings ok. It can be problem for kids after divorce cause it is big change for them but we usually ignore how traumatic for them it can be to live in a family where there's no love between their parents.


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## carol

We tried to hang on for them but it didn't work. My children were 6 and 10 and I thought they were ok because I showered them with love, as did my parents. I read them stories about how other children their age coped with divorce. I tried to get their father and his family involved with the kids but he could not (for whatever reason I don't know to this day). Then about 5 years after the divorce, my daughter started asking questions about why we were divorced and she was very concerned that her father would remarry and forget about her. Why did this happen so many years later I don't know. I do know her father wasn't seeing them very often, maybe that was it. I had to take her to see a professional and after many sessions she moved on. Fortunately, while her father wasn't around much, he did go to some sessions with her and that helped enormously. She now has a good relationship with him and understands that he is a good man, just a lousy father. My son always seemed ok too and now, after 10 years, I realize he is not. He never acted out so we presumed he was ok. Now, he has trouble having any feelings or emotions for anyone. He attributes this to deciding not to love because it hurt too much when his father left. So, don't ever think they are ok. I always advise people to ensure their kids have someone outside the family to talk to about the divorce. My brother is now going through a divorce and he has his kids talking to someone every 2 weeks. They won't tell family because most of the time they think they are to blame and they keep it inside. So, please, make sure you get this help for your kids.


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## shellbelle

I also have four children, ages 2-8, and I'm contemplating divorce also. I have the same fear or how will my children do. However, my oldest is already aware of our unhappiness together and has asked several times if we are getting a divorce. If it weren't for my children, I would have divorced my husband a very long time ago...


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