# I've gained weight, does my husband still find me attractive?! {would love male perspective}



## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

{back story} I have two kids from a previous marriage 12 and 9. When i first met my husband i was a full time single mom, active, never had a moment to stop EVER. I was about 5'2''/120 pounds. 

I met my husband at age 33 and we had instant chemistry, love and respect for each other. We both knew each other were "THE ONE". 

We got married and had a child together shortly after. I had a rough pregnancy and delivery. The third kid just seemed to take everything out of me. Being older than i was with my previous pregnancies it just took everything out of me.

He is an awesome dad/step dad and an amazing husband. He is attentive, always doing things for us and me, home almost every night. I couldn't ask for more in a husband. 

He is always grabbing up on me and we have sex almost everynight, even during the day on his lunch hour sometimes. 

However, i'm struggling a little in our relationship a little because i'm so self conscious and don't like the way i look. 

I'm now around 145 pounds and on a 5'2" frame everything shows! 

I know it's not an incredible amount of weight but it is to me b/c when we met i was so small, sexy and fit. 

I am a full time working mom with three kids, sports almost every night, meal planner/maker, etc. I have very little time to myself anymore to get in shape. I know it's no excuse bc i can make time but it's just harder now.

I am just curious if anyone else is feeling like this and how you deal with it or from a males perspective. How do you feel when your gf/wife gains a little extra weight and what are your feelings towards it? 

I"ve talked to him about it and he says he still finds me attractive and as long as i don't really let myself go it isn't a problem. He would never leave me over my weight but he said if i got really heavy he would say something. :/ 

Just need some insight! Thanks!


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Soo, let me take a swing at this.....

1. Stop doing everything you listed. Kids might miss a practice or your DH might have to do it or a friend or neighbor. 
2. Take care of yourself now, regardless of you DH.
3. Soo thoughtful he would “say something” if you got really “heavy”. Seriously? Read that again. 
4. Keep up the sex. I think you said its daily - still?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W did not lose the baby weight(as they call it I guess) after 2 children. It does not make me no never mind. My W is the mother of our children. She is loving, nurturing, caring and is truly concerned about my well being. My W is a lady in the parlor and a w-hore in the bedroom. She is who she is and I accept that. Does her weight bother her? Yes and she struggles to lose the weight. At the end of the day the entire package is attractive to me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he hasn't complained and his behavior towards you hasn't changed, then stop worrying and be happy. If you want to lose some weight for your own health and self-esteem, do that.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> My W did not lose the baby weight(as they call it I guess) after 2 children. It does not make me no never mind. My W is the mother of our children. She is loving, nurturing, caring and is truly concerned about my well being. My W is a lady in the parlor and a w-hore in the bedroom. She is who she is and I accept that. Does her weight bother her? Yes and she struggles to lose the weight. At the end of the day the entire package is attractive to me.


This is awesome and you sound like a loving husband! Good for you!


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

coolmama11 said:


> This is awesome and you sound like a loving husband! Good for you!


I am amazing....if I don’t say so myself. : )


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Marriednatlanta said:


> I am amazing....if I don’t say so myself. : )


Darn. Wrong quote. I thought that was directed at me.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> He is always grabbing up on me and we have sex almost everynight, even during the day on his lunch hour sometimes.


I think this answers your question fully. Your husband still finds you attractive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I'm now around 145 pounds and on a 5'2" frame everything shows!


You should talk to your husband and ask him if he wants you to gain weight or loose weight. Indicate that gaining a little weight could add to your curves, or that loosing weight might boost your confidence. Make both options sound very positive as if you are unsure which has the most advantages.

Whatever answer gives, pretend it was wrong and see if you can get him to flip sides on the argument just to mess with him. This way you can get his views on the advantages of both gaining and loosing weight. 

At the end of the day, your confidence in yourself is likely way more important than your weight. Odds are you will discover that your husband loves you regardless of how your weight changes.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe he like his woman to have a little meat on her.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Marriednatlanta said:


> Soo, let me take a swing at this.....
> 
> 1. Stop doing everything you listed. Kids might miss a practice or your DH might have to do it or a friend or neighbor.
> 2. Take care of yourself now, regardless of you DH.
> ...





NextTimeAround said:


> Maybe he like his woman to have a little meat on her.


he does, he has told me this before...he says he wouldn't want me to be rail thin and it would be like having sex with a stick. When i was 120 pounds though i was still curvy. i had an awesome figure! I miss it


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

coolmama11 said:


> he does, he has told me this before...he says he wouldn't want me to be rail thin and it would be like having sex with a stick. When i was 120 pounds though i was still curvy. i had an awesome figure! I miss it


If you miss it...do something about it.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Marriednatlanta said:


> If you miss it...do something about it.


i am trying....i am eating healthier, trying to workout as much as i can and trying to cut alcohol down to only weekends. It just isn't coming off like it used to. I used to be able to think about losing weight and it would just fall off.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

coolmama11 said:


> i am trying....i am eating healthier, trying to workout as much as i can and trying to cut alcohol down to only weekends. It just isn't coming off like it used to. I used to be able to think about losing weight and it would just fall off.


Just stop drinking all together. You have nothing to lose. Probably clear some other stuff up too..


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

coolmama11 said:


> he does, he has told me this before...he says he wouldn't want me to be rail thin and it would be like having sex with a stick. When i was 120 pounds though i was still curvy. i had an awesome figure! I miss it


If you want to lose some weight, try to do so discreetly. Man hate hearing about the machinations of a diet. Especially since enjoying life, including food, is considered sexy.

Take up a sport. Tennis, or there are neighborhood running meetups and so on. It will be a new window to life.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why would you care what a bunch of anonymous forum users think? What you feel matters, what your husband feels matters. Obviously he is still all over you so he must like you just fine!

As for your lack of confidence please don't transfer that to your husband. What I mean by that is don't keep disparaging yourself and expecting him to keep building your confidence back up. That dynamic gets tiresome and ends up putting him in a defensive mode which isn't fair. Work on yourself, learn to love yourself. 

As a 59 year old man who once believed I was a super human I have learned to lower my expectations a bit, makes life so much more pleasant! lol


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Cooper said:


> As for your lack of confidence please don't transfer that to your husband. What I mean by that is don't keep disparaging yourself and expecting him to keep building your confidence back up.


This!

If you've expressed your lack of self-confidence so far, don't do it anymore (at least in his eyes). Pretend as if you like your own body and keep on "working" and improving yourself in the background. That way he'll still think "_oh..eventhough she's gained a bit of weight, she still loves her body. That's sexy as hell!_"


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't see any harm in going to your husband and telling him that you're feeling a bit down on yourself about your weight - ask for his help, men love to fix things, let him help you. He's your husband, he loves you


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

As long as you are trying that is all a husband could ask for. When I married my wife she was 5'2 and about 130. Unfortunately after 18 years we had 4 kids, and she weighed about 500 pounds. She refused to exercise, diet or do anything, including housework or take care of the kids. I would come home and she would be on the cough watching TV, I would have to change the diapers that the kids wore all day, fix food and feed them because she didn't. At 500 pounds I could not stand to look at her. I divorced her after 18 years. So just keep working on it. At 145 lbs., you would be awesome and super sexy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> As long as you are trying that is all a husband could ask for. When I married my wife she was 5'2 and about 130. Unfortunately after 18 years we had 4 kids, and she weighed about 500 pounds. She refused to exercise, diet or do anything, including housework or take care of the kids. I would come home and she would be on the cough watching TV, I would have to change the diapers that the kids wore all day, fix food and feed them because she didn't. At 500 pounds I could not stand to look at her. I divorced her after 18 years. So just keep working on it. At 145 lbs., you would be awesome and super sexy.


Omg wtf? 500lbs?!? That's around 250kg (give or take), holy ****! Surely that's not compatible with life??


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## Big_Jim59 (Apr 14, 2019)

If your husband loves you and likes what you look like then go for it. Don't make him feel like you are calling him a liar because he says that he loves the way you look and you don't.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

coolmama11 said:


> This is awesome and you sound like a loving husband! Good for you!


But I think your husband has an awesome wife too! You go girl!


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

You both sound awesome.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> As long as you are trying that is all a husband could ask for. When I married my wife she was 5'2 and about 130. Unfortunately after 18 years we had 4 kids, and she weighed about 500 pounds. She refused to exercise, diet or do anything, including housework or take care of the kids. I would come home and she would be on the cough watching TV, I would have to change the diapers that the kids wore all day, fix food and feed them because she didn't. At 500 pounds I could not stand to look at her. I divorced her after 18 years. So just keep working on it. At 145 lbs., you would be awesome and super sexy.


thank you and i'm sorry about your divorce. I would never allow myself to get that heavy. I guess at 145 i should be thankful. I am awesome and sexy still i think....i just worry about what my husband thinks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@coolmama11 I live in the UK and we don't weigh people in pounds, we weigh people in stones.

145 pounds is 10.3 stones. Which sounds attractive to me.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @coolmama11 I live in the UK and we don't weigh people in pounds, we weigh people in stones.
> 
> 145 pounds is 10.3 stones. Which sounds attractive to me.


thank you...i'm def not big, just not as tiny as i used to be. I know it could be a lot worse. Thank you for the kind compliment


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

The simple fact is that he doesn’t notice and/or care.

if he gained twenty pounds, would you be less attracted to him? Hopefully not.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> thank you and i'm sorry about your divorce. I would never allow myself to get that heavy. I guess at 145 i should be thankful. I am awesome and sexy still i think....i just worry about what my husband thinks.


I completely understand what you are feeling!!! I think YOU noticed the change and you don't like it, so you cannot trust that your husband doesn't mind or can still find you attractive.

Here's the thing -- you are putting value and worry into things that just DO NOT matter to your husband (or to anyone who matters). Maybe they matter a little bit to YOU, because you aren't sure how he is perceiving those changes on you, but he told you he loves your body (and you), and he SHOWS you that he is very turned on by your body, so you need to find a way to believe him and let that go.

I wonder...how old are you...? You don't need to answer if you don't want to, but I'm asking because as you approach 50+, your body is going to change even if you eat the same things and exercise regularly...it is the nature of having a human body and not a marble statue to live in!
So you need to find a way to see your attractiveness as more than how much you weigh and how curvy you are. I'm sure to your husband, your body will always be beautiful because it's a feminine form and because it's YOU. He isn't attracted to your SIZE, he's attracted to your curves and to YOU. That needs to be enough for you to feel confident and accepting about the changes your body will inevitably go through. It's VERY difficult to overcome that negative voice in your head, but you need to argue back with it and not let it control how you see yourself!

And as for exercise, I HIGHLY recommend a yoga practice!! I do one that is 10 minutes long twice a day (on YouTube), and it makes me feel WONDERFUL, and has helped my flexibility and overall well-being in SO many ways! I don't do yoga to "lose weight" or to "stay in shape"...I do it to feel good, and it works!! 

I want to leave you with one final thought -- THINK about what your body has done and gone through, and how good it can make you feel (with sex or cuddling your kids or relaxing in a hot bath, etc)...BE GRATEFUL for all of that, and think kindly of your body - it's so AMAZING and deserves to be seen as beautiful, because IT IS!!!!!


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> As long as you are trying that is all a husband could ask for. When I married my wife she was 5'2 and about 130. Unfortunately after 18 years we had 4 kids, and she weighed about 500 pounds. She refused to exercise, diet or do anything, including housework or take care of the kids. I would come home and she would be on the cough watching TV, I would have to change the diapers that the kids wore all day, fix food and feed them because she didn't. At 500 pounds I could not stand to look at her. I divorced her after 18 years. So just keep working on it. At 145 lbs., you would be awesome and super sexy.


..........holy sh*t!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Low confidence is definitely more unattractive than a few pounds. You guys are already knocking boots often ... he obviously is into you.

My wife has the COVID 15 and I’m still just as attached to her ... and she’s only 5’ 0”....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> My wife has the COVID 15 and I’m still just as attached to her ... and she’s only 5’ 0”....


Covid doesn't make you fat?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Covid doesn't make you fat?


No but you gain 15 sitting around the house trying to avoid it.... nothing to do but eat 🤣🤣🤣


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> No but you gain 15 sitting around the house trying to avoid it.... nothing to do but eat 🤣🤣🤣


😂😂😂
The other funny thing is that you said Covid 15. I was like "_another cousin of Covid? As if Covid 19 is not enough!_ "



Mr.Married said:


> Low confidence is definitely more unattractive than a few pounds.


True words.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> No but you gain 15 sitting around the house trying to avoid it.... nothing to do but eat 🤣🤣🤣


I see what you mean.

I was playing tennis doubles 90 minutes a day everyday in April and May. One of my partners was complaining that she was gaining weight.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> As long as you are trying that is all a husband could ask for. When I married my wife she was 5'2 and about 130. Unfortunately after 18 years we had 4 kids, and she weighed about 500 pounds. She refused to exercise, diet or do anything, including housework or take care of the kids. I would come home and she would be on the cough watching TV, I would have to change the diapers that the kids wore all day, fix food and feed them because she didn't. At 500 pounds I could not stand to look at her. I divorced her after 18 years. So just keep working on it. At 145 lbs., you would be awesome and super sexy.


May I assume we'll be seeing her on TLC's *"600 Pound Life"* soon?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Is this really about your husband or you subconsciously competing against other women? 

Sexual/body confidence will trump weight gain 99 times out 100 until it starts to hamper your normal life then it’s a big deal. Three things (for me at least) make me more attracted to my wife’s body: 1) Embodying that she has something I want and likes to show it off or tease me with it like she has something. “Oh yeah, I know you love my _fill in the blank_ check this out” or she wears something that shows it off tastefully 2) Strong and aggressive sexual confidence. If my wife is giving me very regular fulfilling sex and shows she wants me, I don’t care about saggy body parts. I also don’t notice other women nearly as much. 3) being a vulnerable partner that wants change and can accepting coaching and constructive criticism and fix the problem together. Sounds like you’re knocking the sex part out. That’s the hard part.

A woman’s inner critic is by far the biggest but least talked about marriage problem. Men want to know their attraction is received, appreciated and reflected back. While you’re inner critic is trashing you day in and day out, you’re slowly killing your husband’s attraction. It’s a slap in the face to his love language. Here’s how:

1) You spend quite a bit of effort initially hoping this guy will find you attractive. You like putting in the effort and seeing the rewards.
2) You’re elated that he does find you and your attitude attractive.
3) Life happens. You shift focus to kids, work, etc and start gaining weight and the critic gets louder. Other moms still look like fitness models why not you? Now you loath putting the effort to maintain what you had when you first met. 
4) Your body language changes and you start covering up, dressing down, and have less sex with lights on. He also can’t touch certain body parts. You start to think your husband is checking other women out when he’s not. You have the same feelings of “ugliness”/rejection as when you were growing up.
5) Your start drastic measures (diet, exercise) but you’re out of energy so you give up. Your critic says “your husband will never think you’re good enough.” Kids don’t care about your weight or your pooch so you focus on them.
6) You eventually breakdown and complain to your husband that you’re fat/ugly. He’s genuinely shocked and you wrongly assume he wants a fitness model. You in essence call him a liar and tell him he’s complimenting you out of martial obligation. When he offers help/advice you rage at him for trying to fix you. Sex stops and you complain your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re fat/ugly. You’re turning yourself off and projecting it on him.
7) After living with steps 5 and 6 for a while, your husband (after being bombarded with the message of you not being attractive) begins to believe your inner critic too. 
8) Your husband starts think to himself a) she’s ashamed of her body and thinks I made a mistake marrying her and maybe she really isn’t attractive b) I’m in a corner... my wife is telling me not to look at her and not look at anyone else. c) no matter what I say, she doesn’t believe me so what’s the point? d) if she doesn’t love herself why should I?
9) Next, a dead bedroom develops, he thinks you don’t love him anymore. Now is when he starts losing attraction. He’s tired of trying to convince her that she is beautiful and she will have none of it. He gets discouraged and disconnects emotionally. Maybe gets into porn, when you discover it, you feel even worse.
10) Connection further deteriorates. You either reach a detente or some other event precipitates divorce. WRT the latter, your inner critic celebrates and says “see... I told you that your were ugly/fat and no man wants you”. 


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