# Lost!



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

This is pretty sad but I have zero friends to talk about any of this stuff and need to talk so here it is ...

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. I have kids from a previous relationship - 3 grown and moved out and an 8 year old at home. The bf has been living with me for 2 years now.

It's been an okay relationship. The physical and emotional intimacy are pretty weak and he sucks at communicating but we are both pretty level headed and respectful of each other.

Because of his lack of sexual interest it has hit my self esteem pretty hard so have been struggling with depression this last while.

He went out last Thursday and got pretty smashed. When he came home he was pretty upset and asked if I knew anyone with a certain phone number and he figures someone was trying to set him up. He then showed me on his facebook how this woman had been making some very explicit propositions to him over the previous couple weeks. He wasn't really sure who this lady was. His responses to the facebook messages were always things like "I'm flattered but am involved". In the message thread she had included her cell number. He was upset because when he tried texting her there was some confusion and he had thought she had given him a bogus number. 

As he was wasted I had my hands full dealing with him as that is when he gets into talking about his feelings so didn't really process what any of this meant but the next day as I was processing everything from the night before it occurred to me why the f**k was he texting this chick that he didn't know when he was all hammered up at the bar unless it was that he was trying for a booty call. And this couldn't even totally be blamed on poor judgement due to alcohol because he would have been completely sober when he added her number to his cell phone contacts.

I talked to him about it and he did what he always does when I talk to him and that's just sits quietly and doesn't say a word. 

I guess there have been other suspicious red flags like on his cell phone there will be conversations with girls that all of a sudden are deleted from his history (we use each other's phones quite often).

I spent some further time stewing on this and talked to him again on Saturday and told him I think we need to break up. I don't think I can worry about what he may be up to every time he leaves the house. He said he'll take some time off work at the end of January and move out.

I feel devastated! Not even a week ago we were making plans to go on vacation in early February and having conversations about if something happened to me how he should still take care of my 8 year old. My kid will also be devastated by this. He has some emotional issues and has a strong bond with my bf.

For the record, I don't think he has ever cheated but I am guessing this isn't the first time he has crossed some lines. I am unsure if he would ever actually go through with cheating on me or if it's just the chase that he's interested in.

Do you guys think I'm over-reacting? I am just a mess at the idea of moving on from this relationship 

Thanks for reading.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gently, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Physical, emotional and communication are all weak. And, it seems he is looking elsewhere. Sounds like you're little more than roommates.

Better to end it before getting an STD.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't think you're over-reacting. This relationship is barely a relationship. You two don't seem to have a strong connection. He isn't giving you the emotional support, loyalty you deserve. Even though it's difficult and you'll grieve the end of the relationship, moving on is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Ya, I think he checked out a long time ago. It is still so hard ... my life is shattering around me.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I have a feeling he is looking and you would be better off without him. If someone is still looking its because they aren't satisfied with what they have at home.

I bet he has done more than text these women. Alcohol or not you still are aware that cheating is wrong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My guess is you were hoping he'd fight for you, and that you weren't really expecting him to just give up on you so easily. Problem is that he was probably just too chicken **** to break up with you and was hoping you'd be the one to do it. Has happened to me too, really sux because they've been detaching themselves for ages but it's all very sudden and wrenching for you. You'll get through it though. Hope your boy doesn't take it too hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He doesn't add much to your life, really.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"I really don't think he's into me sexually and if thats the case, I don't want to be together with him. He keeps making more and more future plans with me so is totally not giving off any signs he's checking out of the relationship..." [from a 7/18/11 posting of yours]

"Sex and any real communication (feelings and such) however, is pretty much non-existant. I have tried to broach this subject numerous times but gently get shut down. Not that he says it directly but its almost like he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. There have been some times where he has said to me that I make too big a deal out of things and why can't I just enjoy the moment without overanalyzing things but I am thinking making love 3 times a month is a problem." [from an 8/07/11 posting of yours]

"The affection is still there, but the intimacy is gone. I am getting pretty miserable and feeling down a lot lately over this." [from a 10/3/11 posting of yours]

"I have children and a deadbeat ex (was with the ex for 15 years). He doesn't have children and* his relationship history is a two year relationship from 10 years back and just short term stuff since then*.

There has been some issues with the sex since the start although it wasn't until later I noticed. The sex now is pretty much non-existant. 

Our communication is really bad although I didn't think it was in the beginning. We didn't have deep feeling conversations all the time but they did happen once in a while. Now whenever I try to talk about anything (our issues) he's a great listener but he doesn't participate at all.

Except for still being affectionate, I feel like we're roommates. 

I was happy to be single and had no desire to be a couple again when this man stumbled into my life. I really felt that with him I could have a true partner in life. The way things are currently is not that at all.

I am considering that it might be time to move on..." [all from a 10/7/11 posting of yours]

"*Do you guys think I'm over-reacting?*"


No, I don't! 

This appears to be a long-standing problem since this relationship began. You noted in a couple of your early posts that you had been together 6 nights a week almost since the beginning and that he moved in with you at the 4-month mark. I'm thinking you didn't 'vet' this relationship on the front end; especially problematic as you had a young child. 

There also appear to be a number of references to drinking in your threads so I'm thinking he may drink more (or more often) than most people would consider good for a person or relationship. Maybe he self-medicates with alcohol? It is also a depressant.

Time to move on! This relationship has never really worked for you the way you expected/wanted/needed it to. Time for a fresh start.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The both of you need to fastly sit down and have yourselves a prolonged "come to Jesus" meeting regarding his future in your household. And that's only after you give careful consideration to what his future is with you.

It greatly sounds as if you are his "Plan B," being there for him only if he doesn't receive a better offer elsewhere. Your son is young and impressionable and is close to him because he is the only male figure for him to look up to. But as he gets older, he too, will be able to read this guys tea leaves, and it will end up being a less than stellar reading.

The main thing that I can see here is that if he truly loved you, that he wouldn't be engaged in playing the field on FB or any other medium. It seems that you are engaged in either a "friends with benefits" or a "roommate" situation, where love is nowhere in the equation.

You have to ask yourself, what is in it for you. And if there is not enough there to live up to any of your expectations, you need to let go of him and move on. 

Trust me! There are far better men out there that would give their eye teeth to have a loving relationship with you. You are holding the trump cards in this game, and not your BF ~ if you truly think that there's still a scintilla of a hope of a future with him, it's fastly time for you to force him to show his hand, without sitting there acquiesing you with his absolute silence!

Best of luck to you, m'dear!*


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Oh I knew as soon as I said we had to break up that's what was going to happen. He's not the type to fight for things. It's been a long time coming I guess but I had felt we were working things out and things were a lot better than they had been in the past. I have talked some more with him and it's looking like the announcement over Christmas that my single daughter is pregnant is what pushed things over the edge for him that he decided to give up on us - he can't deal with the dramas that are a part of my life. Kind of blindsided me ... last Thursday we were planning a vacation in Mexico and now we're planning division of property.

Right now my world is shattered and it hurts so much but I know I'll be able to get past this in time. I need to work through the hurt right now though to move on and like I said I have no one to talk to about this so am using this avenue.

I am feeling lost with no direction now that all of our plans together are out the window. Every single goal and plan we had involved us. My budget and savings needs to be re-evaluated. Even things as simple as my meal planning is out the window as his tastes are incorporated. I feel like I'm on the edge and don't know how I am going to pick up the pieces of my life.

I know this experience and these feelings aren't at all new and millions of people have had to go through this. I'm just need to talk through this and my best friend is not longer available.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Gently, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Physical, emotional and communication are all weak. And, it seems he is looking elsewhere. Sounds like you're little more than roommates.
> 
> Better to end it before getting an STD.


She says that this has affected her self-esteem. 

I would venture to say that a person who stays in this type of relationship, which is barely a relationship at all, typically has low self-esteem to start with. 

Now that it has ended, I would strongly suggest working on your self-esteem before you enter another relationship. Your first priority would be becoming emotionally healthy or you risk another unhealthy relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> She says that this has affected her self-esteem.
> 
> I would venture to say that a person who stays in this type of relationship, which is barely a relationship at all, typically has low self-esteem to start with.
> 
> Now that it has ended, I would strongly suggest working on your self-esteem before you enter another relationship. Your first priority would be becoming emotionally healthy or you risk another unhealthy relationship.


Don't understand your quoting me.


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