# Questions about remorse and reconciliation



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Does a WS need to do all the heavy lifting in order for reconciliation to work? Can a WS truly be remorseful without taking those first steps towards doing whatever is required? Must they always initiate the reconciliation in order to be sure that it is genuine? Can they be shown what is needed to reconcile? I'm interested to hear what those who have been through R have to say and even what WS have to say.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Yes, no, yes, in some cases. 

My WW confessed, initiated reconciliation and did all the heavy lifting. Of course I had to tell her what I needed to get through this entire mess, but she listened and has done everything I've asked. It was surprising how much she had figured out on her own. I don't know if I could have made it without her doing everything she has done. I think I would have walked if she had shown any lack of remorse or rug sweeping.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> Does a WS need to do all the heavy lifting in order for reconciliation to work? Can a WS truly be remorseful without taking those first steps towards doing whatever is required? *Must they always initiate the reconciliation in order to be sure that it is genuine? *Can they be shown what is needed to reconcile? I'm interested to hear what those who have been through R have to say and even what WS have to say.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I'd have to say yes. Remorse, even "true" remorse, is one thing, but without some proactive steps on the part of the WS it is unlikely to lead to "true" reconciliation. Otherwise, the affair becomes "that thing we just don't talk about."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> I'm interested to hear what those who have been through R have to say and even what WS have to say.


Here goes...

Honestly the answers to each of these questions is highly situational. Having said that, I'll answer based on (a) my understanding of your current situation and (b) an assumption that you're considering reconciliation w/ your WW...



tryingpatience said:


> Does a WS need to do all the heavy lifting in order for reconciliation to work?


Perhaps not _all_, but definitely *most*. There will be plenty of heavy lifting for the both of you, but don't let your WW gaslight you into thinking that more of it is rightfully placed on your shoulders than could be considered realistic or fair by an _impartial and *unbiased*_ third party.



tryingpatience said:


> Can a WS truly be remorseful without taking those first steps towards doing whatever is required?


Hard to say, though I'm inclined to say "No". If she can't manage to do what's necessary to break through her own stubbornness, pride, or whatever in order to humble herself to the point where she is willing to ask you for reconciliation, then her heart probably wouldn't be in it. Which leads us to your next question...



tryingpatience said:


> Must they always initiate the reconciliation in order to be sure that it is genuine?


Honestly, I feel that, if you take that first step for her, it may do little more than set the mood, tone, or whatever _*for your entire reconciliation*_... i.e. you leading and her following. Some people may feel that, since you're the husband, this is the natural order of things, and I guess that there is some validity to that, but do you want a wife and partner, or do you want an adult daughter?

I can understand that you may feel a strong desire to do this so that you can truly say that you did everything in your power to keep your family together, but don't jump into this w/o taking certain things into account, namely your knowledge of your wife's emotional makeup, maturity, etc, and how each of these things tends to impact the dynamics of your relationship. Do what you feel is right. 

Remember this, though... _If you take that first step for her, you need to let her know -- through both words and actions -- that she's not off the hook for *anything*._ *Hold her to account for every. single. transgression.*



tryingpatience said:


> Can they be shown what is needed to reconcile?


Despite everything that I've already typed out above, I truly do believe that some WS's (and BS's, too, for that matter) are just completely f*cking clueless and have no idea whatsoever w/ respect to how to proceed w/ a proper reconciliation... and this probably leads to far, far more of what would be properly labeled "rugsweeping" than it does actual reconciliation.

So... yes, I'd say that TONS of WS's (and, again, BS's as well) absolutely need to be shown what's necessary for a proper reconciliation to occur.

Mrs. Gus fell into this category... I had to take her hand and pretty much pull her through it. But that's her personality, and this has always been a key dynamic in our relationship. She may b*tch, whine, and moan at times, but she's still more than happy for me to make the lion's share of decisions on most major things. Don't get me wrong... I do value her input, but sometimes a decision just has to be made. Which is better... an active mistake or a passive mistake? I'll take the active mistake every time, especially since all you learn from passive mistakes is that you should have done SOMETHING.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit off topic, but I'll say this... though I've been aggravated at times that I've had to pretty much lead my wife (and blind!) through our reconciliation... every. single. damn. step. of. the. way... it was/is always easy for me to see that her heart was/is in it, and that she was/is 111.11% committed to it. That's obviously the most important factor in a reconciliation.

This was probably less helpful to you than I'd intended it to be. Sorry. Either way, lots of food for thought in there... at least I think so.

Oh... and dadof2... I'm talking to you w/ all of ^this as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell ya....The way I saw it is I was done with her. My old lady had to to all the heavy lifting to make up for all her bull crap.

I mean when I was behaving badly I had to do all the work to make up for my abuse toward Mrs. the-guy Just like she had to do all the work to make up for her infidelity.

The way I see it, bad behavior and the crap that makes you act that way has to be addressed and avoided....you (not us) are *fixing it*...

So just like with my old anger issues, my old ladies infidelity issues needs to be addressed and learned from. It is up to her to fix this...it her job if she chooses to except it and reap the rewards from it.

Once you have the tools to stop a bad behavior then you can also avoid them....but *you* have to do the work.

Just like anything, hard work brings great rewards.

In short I do all the work I need to do in not kicking the dog and slapping my old lady around....ie. anger management, stress releiving exercise, IC and so on.
Mrs. the guy has to do all the work in affair proofing the marriage..ie building trust, losing toxic friends, IC, and so on.

At the end of the day, when one gets rid of bad behaviors the marriage is a hell of a lot healthier. One just has to do the work as an individual to get the rewards.

So if my old lady has to bend over and kiss my butt to keep me around, well then that's the job she has chosen. Granted I also have to do some kissing and its not her butt.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Does a WS need to do all the heavy lifting in order for reconciliation to work?
> 
> *YES
> *
> ...


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