# Introducing myself



## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

I'm not new to infidelity but just found this forum. I've been active on SI for some time... Here's my story.

My first Dday was January, 2005. I innocently found emails between my husband and OW1, an old college friend he had reconnected with at a reunion meeting. I had no clue. There were no signs of an affair. I could tell by the context of the emails that it was EA only. My husband refused to tell me her name or anything about her but promised to end the relationship. He also refused counseling and we moved on (rugswept). I thought since there was no sex involved, I should just let it go. I did not know about emotional affairs. I did not recognize it was an affair and neither did he.

My second Dday was July 2010. My husband told me in May, 2010, that he might want a divorce.
He said we'd grown apart and he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I was angry b/c the prior September, we moved his mother here to put her in assisted living. When she moved here, he began to visit her EVERY night. At one point he accidently mentioned that he didn't see her every night anymore, yet he wasn't home, either. He also has insomnia, so he told me he was napping at work when he could and working when he could, so often he stayed at his office all night. Sometimes our son and I didn't see him for 36-48 hours at a time. Anyway, when he said we'd grown apart, I was really angry, as he was the one who quit coming home! I begged him to stay but he said I would never change. I wasn't exactly sure what I need to change. I spent all summer begging him to stay, both for me and our son, whom I knew would be devastated. Finally on July 7, 2010, he said he definitely wanted a divorce. 

On our 18th wedding anniversary, he told our just-turned 15 year old son that he was moving out. Our son, as I predicted, lost it. DS ran from the house and didn't come home for 3 days. Luckily I predicted his flight and had told the 3 families that I knew he was likely to run to what was going to happen. Sure enough, that's what he did and, and he stayed at two of those homes during that time. 

On that day, he also told his adult daughter, and she was distressed as well - came to our house from out of state to be with us both. My husband and her mother divorced after ten years of marriage due to her affair when my step-daughter was two. Not surprisingly, DSD is afraid of marriage and we've only made that worse.

Two days later, Husband told me he wanted to try with me again, that he would go to counseling, and by the way, he was in love with someone else. He also refused to tell me anything about her. Turns out she was an old high school friend (who lived 350 miles away) who contacted him in December, 2009, on facebook. It turns out she dumped him that day, although she divorced her husband and did try to get my husband back a couple of times after he told me about her. 

We are trying to reconcile. I have since learned that my husband and other woman were engaged and he had taken steps to find work in her state/city. This all hurts like crazy. I never thought he could do this to me and our son.

In the predicted 2-5 years for recovery from an affair, I am clearly on the 5 year end. That said, I have come a long way and so has my husband. He began counseling and we began marriage counseling (which consisted only of dealing with the affair for over 2 years) within a couple of weeks with a very good counselor.

Once in counseling, my husband began to answer all my questions and has given my all passwords, etc. He sent a NC email to OW2 after the first time she attempted to re-establish contact, and I sent her the letter the next time. My threats to expose her to everyone in her small town and the school where she teaches seems to have done the trick, so we've not heard from her for over two years.

It's a long hard road and I'm glad I've chosen it for the kids sake. They deserve our best effort. I'm determined to stay even if the marriage isn't the best personal option for me. I will not have the kids splitting their holidays and family time between us. I can be content and don't need the dream anymore. 

I'm happy to meet you all and hope I can contribute and have already tried. I have strong feelings about infidelity and am not afraid to share them!


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I am sorry for your situatuon, is never easy to cope with infidelity

when i hear cases like yours, I always wonder why people who have suffered from infidelity and know how much in hurths, why they allow themselves to hurth like that their new partner.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

BTW you described his feelings in your Thread, but what about yours, do you still love him, or you are with him form your kid or any other circunstance.

How old are you?
How long have you been married to him?
Is a good relationship or you have fell apart with the time?


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Thank you for sharing such a hard story...I am sorry you had to go through that...Youve chosed your path and I wont say any woulda/coulda/shoulda 's...its easy to say what WE would have done hindsight being 20/20...

I will wish you luck from here on out though!! I hope your husband is truly serious and STAYS serious...I also hope you dont give up on the dream...maybe its something you guys can get back

I will tell you FROM THIS POINT FORWARD to trust the advice and support you will get here...there are a lot of peeps here who have been though this and love to help...good luck and welcome to TAM!!!


----------



## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

_BTW you described his feelings in your Thread, but what about yours, do you still love him, or you are with him form your kid or any other circunstance.

How old are you?
How long have you been married to him?
Is a good relationship or you have fell apart with the time? _

I love him, always have. It's different now, but I think there's less respect than I used to have for him. We are new empty nesters but I stayed for our son initially, and because I vowed for better or worse. Unfortunately, "worse" happened to us in the form of his affair, and I really meant those vows. 

Our marriage would be better than ever if not for the affair, which is ever-present for me. He was one of those uninvested spouses who found it relatively easy to cheat because he had so little investment in the marriage and family. I was the woman who didn't want to nag her husband into staying home, etc. I'm a bit more vocal now and he's far more invested in our relationship than he ever has been.

I'm 54 and we've been married 21 years now. When you ask if it is a good relationship, I assume you mean now. We're still in counseling and still working on improving. 

If you mean before the affairs, we have different answers. I was happy with him because I am a half-full kind of person. He was not happy because he is a half-empty kind of person. If I did ten things right and one wrong, he saw the one wrong thing.

He's trying to change that with some success, but he's had more success with changing his sense of entitlement - the "I deserve to be happy" thought process that allowed him to talk to his old high school friend, who contacted him with the intent to line up her next husband, and he fell for the admiration and limerence and then felt like he "deserved" her because she made him "happy."

I'm hoping for continued success for a better marriage and working for that as well. So is he.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm happy that you are satisfied with your R and I wish you the best of luck.

You appear to be a rare example where rug sweeping the affairs hasn't come back to bite you. I hope it stays that way.


----------



## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

_You appear to be a rare example where rug sweeping the affairs hasn't come back to bite you. I hope it stays that way. _

On the contrary, had we dealt with my husband's first affair, I do not think he would have had the second affair. Rugsweeping did come back to bite us, big time.

And we have not rugswept the second one at all. Weekly individual for us both and weekly marriage counseling for over three years?? Hardly rugsweeping, IMO. We've worked our tails off.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Sudra said:


> _You appear to be a rare example where rug sweeping the affairs hasn't come back to bite you. I hope it stays that way. _
> 
> On the contrary, had we dealt with my husband's first affair, I do not think he would have had the second affair. Rugsweeping did come back to bite us, big time.
> 
> And we have not rugswept the second one at all. Weekly individual for us both and weekly marriage counseling for over three years?? Hardly rugsweeping, IMO. We've worked our tails off.


You only have 7 post here but you sound like someone with 7k.

That "I deserve to be happy" entitlement thinking has become pervasive in this country. As if there are no consequences in life. It's so extremely selfish and short-sighted.

Best of luck to you - and your husband.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm totally there on the part where the marriage is better than ever, and I would be ecstatic, if not for the omnipresent betrayal, lingering in the background. I can be happy, I've even had a day or two recently that I didn't really think about the affair (I'm just over 25 months past d day), but often I feel a mild dread or despair underlies me these days. On really bad days I remind myself to act as if things were great, and they will be great. We have not rugswept, it's a struggle to balance the reconciliation with the urge for... justice I suppose (fairness, revenge, karma, just desserts? Can't fully nail it down, as it shifts around, you know?)

But yes, things are better between us than ever really, and good things are flowing, but it's still so much harder than it should ever be, due to essentially senseless betrayal.

I hope things continue on a good path for you Sudra, you've already made some very insightful comments. Welcome to TAM, sorry you're here!


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi Sudra,

I think I understand exactly where you are and why.

Life just gets more complicated the older we get - when I always thought it would get easier


----------



## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

Oh what is it with highschool sweethearts? My husband had a brief EA with his HSS last year. It was so out of character to do this and I would never have expected it from him, ever! It is good that you are able to move forward. Our marriage is stronger, but I wish it didn't have to happen like that lol


----------



## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

I am new to the forum and am just dealing with a PA after an EA. I feel somewhat encouraged that things could possibly work out for my husband and me.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh do I understand the "I deserve to be happy, too," entitlement remorse from my wayward husband, only all to well!

~sammy


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sudra said:


> _You appear to be a rare example where rug sweeping the affairs hasn't come back to bite you. I hope it stays that way. _
> 
> On the contrary, had we dealt with my husband's first affair, I do not think he would have had the second affair. Rugsweeping did come back to bite us, big time.
> 
> And we have not rugswept the second one at all. Weekly individual for us both and weekly marriage counseling for over three years?? Hardly rugsweeping, IMO. We've worked our tails off.


I stand corrected.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Sudra said:


> _You appear to be a rare example where rug sweeping the affairs hasn't come back to bite you. I hope it stays that way. _
> 
> On the contrary, had we dealt with my husband's first affair, I do not think he would have had the second affair. Rugsweeping did come back to bite us, big time.
> 
> And we have not rugswept the second one at all. Weekly individual for us both and weekly marriage counseling for over three years?? Hardly rugsweeping, IMO. We've worked our tails off.


No Sudra:

You definitely did NOT rugsweep the second time. I am glad to hear your counselor dealt only with the affair for the first two years. That's as it should be.


----------

