# Do you tell future SO's about past affairs?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

When you've had an affair or particularly multiple affairs in a past marriage, at what point do you tell future relationships about them, or do you not tell them at all? 

Do you ask your SO's if they've ever had an affair?

Would you ever enter into a long term relationship with someone or marriage without telling them of your past extra-marital affairs?


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hi Tommy,

I'm guessing not everyone will agree on this one. Certainly, it's not something to tell your partner on the first date. It's also not something to tell them twenty years after being married. Personally, I think at some point when you are comfortable together and if you want to eventually marry your partner then you should have the conversation (BEFORE getting engaged). Be ready to explain how you grew from your experiences and how you will affair-proof your marriage. After experiencing infidelity, I for sure would consider that conversation important for both parties.

OP, what do you think?


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hi Tommy,
> 
> I'm guessing not everyone will agree on this one. Certainly, it's not something to tell your partner on the first date. It's also not something to tell them twenty years after being married. Personally, I think at some point when you are comfortable together and if you want to eventually marry your partner then you should have the conversation (BEFORE getting engaged). Be ready to explain how you grew from your experiences and how you will affair-proof your marriage. After experiencing infidelity, I for sure would consider that conversation important for both parties.
> 
> OP, what do you think?


I'm pretty much in the same boat. I think it's not something you necessarily need to bring up in casual dating, but if I'm getting serious with the other person and the relationship looks like it may have long-term potential, I think that everything should be brought out in the open, even if it means a possible break up. 

I think the risk of disclosing that sort of thing later in a relationship has a much greater chance of destroying it than getting it out early. The deception and betrayal of lying about something like that to someone you love can be worse than the affair(s) themselves. Honesty always wins out in my book.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i think it's a personal choice. 

however, i do feel that if you get serious with someone they should be made aware of such an indiscretion. i mean..... who knows if they've been cheated on themselves and they come to find out later you were a cheater- not a pretty picture.

the point is, you don't want a potential mate to be blindsided should the information come second-hand.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I will be requiring that information before I ever agree to go out with someone again. I would be sooooooo pissed if someone let me start to like them and THEN told me that they have had a problem being monogamous. 

F that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO knows about my affairs, and I know about hers. And yes, we've obviously got some things to watch out for. . We were open and honest with each other from before we even met in person. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wasn't this thread around here before?
Isn't this about the girl you're dating who brought you soup while you were sick, tommy?


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Ha! Nope. Different Tommy. I do like soup, though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think there is a really good time for this. If it were early in the relationship that someone admitted this, the SO could just say, 'Well, we're not serious, so it's not a problem.' And then when feelings develop, as they might, then it becomes a stumbling block. If you're later on in a relationship, it could seem like something of a betrayal to the SO to hear it only after things have become serious.

All in all, I'd vote for early, once things have gone past the very casual, but not yet very serious. It's a very hard thing. I think there are plenty of people out there for whom it would be a dealbreaker.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

*An absolute, unequivocal YES!*

If you don't, that's your first secret ... many more to follow.

The only question remaining is when. I think early, you know, up there with any health related issues, mental health issues etc. I will likely start a conversation about relationships and then make it very clear how I have managed to grow from a very negative experience. If she's for me, she'll engage in the conversation and not take the information as a blow, or some kind of affront. If she takes it as an affront - not the girl for me, and move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Certainly if you've been cheated on you mention it.

If you are the scumbag cheater, well I'm guessing you'll just lie like comes naturally to you.

My advice: if your so admits to cheating dump them hard, and don't waste any more precious parts of your life on them.

If your SO doesn't admit to cheating, but you find out they did. Dump them extra fast and extra hard, before you get cheated on by them.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

um dam shaggy tell us how you really feel.

i would say put it out casually early in the relationship.
why waste time if either:
you are a cheater and they don't want one.
they are a cheater and you don't want one.

no need to get to know someone if you are close minded about their past.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I told my current wife when I reached a point when I felt we were moving into a serious relationship, and if she had a problem with my past activities, she could walk away before any commitments were made by either of us.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Betrayed Spouse me. 

Actually this fascinates me this question

Knowing my stbew as I do she'll lie or be 'economical' with the truth 

How on earth my stbxw will deal with her next main man in respect of her past will be pretty interesting.

He will at some point be dealing with me because of the kids. There will be at some point a meeting and I expect some questions from him

I'll certainly not sabotage the relationship at the start but if he wants answers to questions I'll not hold back.

It's hard to comprehend any man getting the full story and staying with her although saying that she does have the gift, the magic dust and when it comes to being painted as a poor unfortunate victim I'm sure there will be another poor sap winding his way to relationship hell with her.

If I met the next love of my life today and she came up with a 10th of the stuff my wife has done I'd beat Usain Bolt to the door!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Someone I was dating just recently told me she broke it off with a married man, while we were seeing each other. Basically she choose to be with me and just me. 

It didn't sit right with me being a B.S., but she had some of her own issues being a widow with 2 young girls and I was able to over look it because I have come to understand life is complicated. 

I expressed I wanted to know who he was, because I didn't want to sit in the same room with this OM that she just recently broke it off with. I didn't know who he was until I was going to meet him and his wife for a play date for their kids in 2 days. I honestly was okay with it, but suddenly it seems this women got cold feet and started back peddling to not get me to come. That is what caused a big argument and her not being able to admit she felt uncomfortable. She began blame shifting and that is when we were done. One of her lines was she did nothing wrong, he did. Her last text to me read basically I was just as bad because I was still technically married and fvcking her. 

My point ...

If your gonna tell her, grow a pair and don't try to deflect or sugar coat this. Take your beatings and be done with it. But don't expect it to be a 5 minute conversation and then you get to say its done and part of my past.. Some people take a bit longer to swallow some pills then others.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Headspin said:


> If I met the next love of my life today and she came up with a 10th of the stuff my wife has done I'd beat Usain Bolt to the door!


You raise a very interesting point! Most of us have been cheated on - but few of us are cheaters. Tried to make an algebraic equation, then do a statistical analysis, but sadly got confused ...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Headspin said:


> He will at some point be dealing with me because of the kids. There will be at some point a meeting and I expect some questions from him


Don't worry, he'll get to know from her from the start what a cold, unloving, cheating, abusive b*stard you were and will hardly talk to you at all. /sarcasm


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