# Blaming wife for bad Mother's Day



## mjflorida (May 14, 2018)

I’m sure the title sounds terrible; I’ll try to simplify what is otherwise a complex mire of interfamily relationships. We had a terrible Mother’s Day and, while I can see where I could have managed the day much better than I did, I cannot help but blame my wife for it. 

The day started poorly with my daughter (17) and I having a minor argument about the activities of the day before mom was out of bed. Needless to say, this little spat put the day on a bad footing as my wife awoke. I made a nice breakfast and worked to try and recover the morning, but by the time breakfast is over, our daughter is not feeling well and a little annoyed with me about telling her no to something earlier in the day, I’m stressed because I wanted the morning to go better, and my wife begins to blame our daughter and get on her case for having a bad attitude on Mother’s Day morning. Whew! This type of scenario is not atypical for our home, but it was disappointing that we ended up here so easily and quickly on Mother’s Day, and for this I take responsibility. I feel like I could have done something to avoid the earlier conflict with my daughter or I could have planned the morning better so that expectations were set in advance of the day starting.

After the rough start of the day, I was optimistically still hoping for a recovery from the morning and a transition into a day we could be proud of. So, I checked in on our daughter to make sure she was getting ready for church, and she tells me that she did not want to go anywhere with mom. My daughter claimed that mom became angry and told her she was lying about not feeling well and that she always plays hooky to get what she wants or to avoid doing things. This was the beginning of the end of any hope we had for having a good Mother’s Day. Hearing my daughter say this and seeing her reaction to having her mom call her a liar on Mother’s Day made my heart sink to the floor. While I did not hear my wife say this, I have heard these things from her in the past from her too many times, not these specific words, but similar attacks and guilt trips that come out typically when my wife is angry, hurt, or not feeling well. This puts me heartbroken for my daughter and also frustrated with everyone at this point; my daughter for her attitude, my wife for saying this, and myself for letting it all happen. The day only became worse after my wife, in the midst of this conflict, started lecturing our daughter about being mindful of her spending and then yelling at her for making a mistake with something at school this week. Later in the day, my daughter gave up on the day and said of her mom that maybe the “daughter she loves will treat her well on Mother’s Day”. She was referring to her older sister, our other daughter. 

The day moved on, and my wife seemed to get over things. As for me, I’m still devastated for the broken relationships in the family. I just about fell apart this morning when checking on Facebook and seeing all of the kids posting about how great their moms are and how much they love them, I so long for my wife and my daughter to be close and to have that special mom and daughter relationship. 

I’m honestly not sure why I’m posting here or what advise I’m seeking; it's okay if no one responds. Maybe just knowing someone might read this is help enough as these are feelings that I cannot voice to anyone and that have only caused strife, pain, and problems when previously voiced in the context of my marriage. Am I being too sensitive to my daughter’s needs and not sensitive enough to my wife? Am I over reacting? Tell me I’m the terrible person that I think I am, IDK, but I can’t help faulting my wife for not being able to, or not even wanting to, control her words.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Not sure why you think YOU could have controlled this in any way. Seems like a really bad dynamic between your wife daughter. The only thing I can suggest is that when they start getting too abusive/loud/yelling, you tell them to knock it off and talk to each other in a civil and respectful tone. They should discuss, not preach or yell. Seriously though, not sure what you can do here. THEY need to talk.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Not sure why you think YOU could have controlled this in any way. Seems like a really bad dynamic between your wife daughter. The only thing I can suggest is that when they start getting too abusive/loud/yelling, you tell them to knock it off and talk to each other in a civil and respectful tone. They should discuss, not preach or yell. Seriously though, not sure what you can do here. THEY need to talk.


Yah buddy, nothing much you can do about this, just support them both and encourage civility. Maybe talk to them both separately to try and find issues you can help them work out. But you have no blame here. My wife and son butt heads a lot mostly because they both have very stubborn personalities. So what we have done is I am in charge of discipline for my son and my wife accepts this. This way they can focus on positive things and don't get into their battles. 

Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

17 year olds know it all. I had two once. They grew out of it eventually.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is a thing about Mothers and Daughters.

When the girls are young, they go back and forth.

When the girls are little older it is touch and go.

When the girls become teenagers it is war. No holds barred war.

The girls want freedom, 
They want to flaunt their newly painted lips.
They want to flaunt their newly grown hips and boobs.

They WILL flaunt their hormones. It is the way of female flesh.

Woe to anyone who gets in their way. 

Mom is usually the one who bars the door.
Her Mom did it to her, their Mom to their Mom...... all the way back to Eve.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

mjflorida said:


> ]Later in the day, my daughter gave up on the day and said of her mom that maybe the “daughter she loves will treat her well on Mother’s Day”. She was referring to her older sister, our other daughter.


Out of your entire post, this quote is what really strikes my chord. This tells me that there's a possibility of your wife playing favourites here. Does she do this? Is the daughter in question picked apart a little more than your other daughter? My Mom and I also have a tumultuous relationship, and it never used to be quite as bad as it is now. When I was younger, my Mom and older sister had a lot of problems. These days though, my Mom treats me somewhat similar to the way your wife treats your daughter in question: I can't do anything right, am picked apart, criticized and judged. All in all, it makes me feel awful, and it drives me away from her. It's not up to you to control the situation, but if you do want to help things along, here's what I would do. I would sit down with them both separately and talk to them each about their relationship with each other. Get to the heart of their feelings, especially your daughter's. There's no reason that a parent should be picking on their child to the extent that that child thinks the parent doesn't love her. Counselling may be in the cards for them too, if they're both open to it. I've gone to therapy to try to get to the bottom of my Mom's and my difficulties. It didn't help us get along any better, but it did help me discover that the only person I can control is myself. I'm responsible for my own feelings/actions/reactions, and my Mom is responsible for hers. Your daughter needs to own her behaviours and your wife needs to own hers and the way she treats your daughter.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Teenagers can be jerks. Mine DID play hooky at will. And played the sick card.

I actually feel for your wife. The daughter is selfish, the hubby blames mom for a ruined day that is supposed to be ABOUT mom.

That whole "the daughter she loves" is textbook manipulation. Anyone who can't see that hasn't had kids.

Look, this day was supposed to be about showing love and appreciation.

Stop blaming your wife, teach your daughter to respect her, and apologize.

This is just....silly.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

mjflorida said:


> I’m sure the title sounds terrible; I’ll try to simplify what is otherwise a complex mire of interfamily relationships. We had a terrible Mother’s Day and, while I can see where I could have managed the day much better than I did, I cannot help but blame my wife for it.
> 
> The day started poorly with my daughter (17) and I having a minor argument about the activities of the day before mom was out of bed. Needless to say, this little spat put the day on a bad footing as my wife awoke. I made a nice breakfast and worked to try and recover the morning, but by the time breakfast is over, our daughter is not feeling well and a little annoyed with me about telling her no to something earlier in the day, I’m stressed because I wanted the morning to go better, and my wife begins to blame our daughter and get on her case for having a bad attitude on Mother’s Day morning. Whew! This type of scenario is not atypical for our home, but it was disappointing that we ended up here so easily and quickly on Mother’s Day, and for this I take responsibility. I feel like I could have done something to avoid the earlier conflict with my daughter or I could have planned the morning better so that expectations were set in advance of the day starting.
> 
> ...


You need to stop undermining your wife. Do you always take your daughters side and comfort her when she has a spat with your wife? In all likelihood she was lying about not feeling well and her mother had a right to call her on it. I am perplexed that you are aghast by your wife’s words but not your daughter telling her mom she doesn’t love her on Mother’s Day. Honestly she sounds like a brat that needs some discipline and she isn’t getting it from you. Was she grounded after that or did you just agree with her that mom is a big meanie?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bluesclues said:


> You need to stop undermining your wife. Do you always take your daughters side and comfort her when she has a spat with your wife? In all likelihood she was lying about not feeling well and her mother had a right to call her on it. I am perplexed that you are aghast by your wife’s words but not your daughter telling her mom she doesn’t love her on Mother’s Day. Honestly she sounds like a brat that needs some discipline and she isn’t getting it from you. Was she grounded after that or did you just agree with her that mom is a big meanie?


QFT

Back your W.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP your daughter likely WAS faking illness to get out of something. She's a teenage girl, they do it ALL the time. Her mum called her out on it and she didn't like it so she pouted. She was already ticked at you for saying no to something earlier. Doesn't make her a bad kid, they all do it.

When you take your child's side (doesn't matter if it's son or daughter) over your wife, it's never going to end well. Always back your wife. Always. And vice versa.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> OP your daughter likely WAS faking illness to get out of something. She's a teenage girl, they do it ALL the time. Her mum called her out on it and she didn't like it so she pouted. She was already ticked at you for saying no to something earlier. Doesn't make her a bad kid, they all do it.
> 
> When you take your child's side (doesn't matter if it's son or daughter) over your wife, it's never going to end well. Always back your wife. Always. And vice versa.


Always back the wife in front of the child.
If the mother is wrong tell her why [this is so] in private. 

First, think this through!! :|

Is it worth it to get in the middle?

Expect to be overridden and lambasted! Emotions run strong with respect to one's children. :surprise:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This is on your daughter and not your wife! 17 year olds have a marked propensity to know "everything" and "nothing," all at the same time!

Rule of thumb: Always back your better half!*


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

Maybe you could be more specific as to exactly what transpired between you and your daughter in that early morning argument that set the tone of the day.

Perhaps there was a better way to handle it.


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