# Feeling suicidal



## FadedPictures

Hello everyone, sorry for the title but that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure you've heard sob stories before and maybe that's why I joined this site. I need marital advice on pain that runs deep.

On another note, I hope everyone is doing great and I am happy to be hear.


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## CharlieParker

We’re(a great community) here, talk to us. What’s up?


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## WorkingWife

I'm glad you found us. What's going on?


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## sunsetmist

TAM is ready to listen. However, suicide is a permanent solution to problems that can be solved. Do you want to die or do you just want the pain to stop?

Where do you live? You can call a helpline 24/7.

https://www.iasp.info International--Click on HELP

USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 
Call 1-800-273-8255 
Available 24 hours everyday


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## SongoftheSouth

FadedPictures said:


> Hello everyone, sorry for the title but that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure you've heard sob stories before and maybe that's why I joined this site. I need marital advice on pain that runs deep.
> 
> On another note, I hope everyone is doing great and I am happy to be hear.


whats up friend - we can talk even as internet strangers. there are many good people here.


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## FadedPictures

I don't know where to start. Let me give good context here. I've been married for 17 years. My wife and I have two teenage boys. I'm an African American male who is in to IT.

I first met my wife through my family. She's a daughter of my grandmother’s neighbor. When I first saw my wife, my jaw dropped through the floor. My wife has exotic beauty. The feeling was mutual or, so I thought. I lived in the US and she lived in the Caribbean. We communicated over Web Cam for a few months and decided to meet in Miami.

Let me rewind to the past for a second to reveal an in-security that I brought to the table. I've always been a slightly above average looking guy, but nothing compared to my younger brother. I've had female friends that I've been interested in gravitating to my brother leaving me in the cold. I always chalked it up as "she wasn't right for me".

Fast forward to the present.
I revealed this to my "then" fiancée as my deepest and darkest fear. I told her that I feared she would do the same. She re-assured me that it was not possible. She was all in it for me. I felt relieved that I had finally secured someone. For me. My wife also confided in me that her fear was that she had Epilepsy and guys were afraid to date her because they did not know how to handle it. I reassured my fiancée that was the least of my concern. I was in it for her. Thank God to this day I've been present every time my wife has had a seizure and taken care of her. At some point in time after my wife and I had been communicating remotely, she told me that her Aunt felt as though "She" could have done better than me. Not sure wife my would-be wife would tell me this.

Back to the topic of my brother. When my wife first saw my brother, it was all over her face. She clearly wondered "why didn't I meet him". I kept seeing glances between my brother and my wife. It was the ultimate stab in the heart. I spent so much time and money (fiancée Visa, plane tickets, etc.) to be totally walked over in my own house (we were staying with my mother at the time). 

I confronted my fiancée / wife to be and she totally denied it. Totally Gaslighted me. I just wanted my wife to admit and give me the opportunity to forgive, heal, and move on. I found some peace in that my wife's sister-in law told me that my wife told her how nice my brother looks. I've had a low-self-esteem, so I accepted and moved forward. I got a high-paying job and my wife, and I moved a couple of hours away. Maybe now I can have some peace as my brother would not be around to captivate my wife’s attention. Not the case. It just so happened that my brother has an ex-girlfriend that lives in the same city. They have a daughter together. As a result, my brother expected to spend nights at my new townhome so that he could be close to his daughter. As I mentioned, we have two boys. At the time, they were quite young and the only place my brother was able to sleep was in the same room with them. Late one night, my wife went to check on one of them as they were crying (my brother was asleep in the room). Except, she had on a lone t-shirt with no bra underneath. My wife has larger breast so it’s obvious, especially with no bra on. We had a huge falling out over this. After all of this has happened, a wedge has come between my brother and me. He no longer stays at my home and is in town often to see his daughter but stays at a hotel. I don't know if I'm to blame for letting this get between my brother and me. To this day, I never confronted my brother on this issue.

I make a six-figure salary, I pay the mortgage, gas, electricity, water, cell bill, internet, car payments, health insurance, hsa, groceries, etc. All comes out of my salary. Early in our marriage I approached my wife about sharing bank accounts, her response "My father doesn't think that's a good idea". I disagreed but would have accepted, maybe a joint account, but she never gave that as an option. Maybe I should of. My wife takes care of her personal expenses like Uber (because she does not drive), her Macy's credit line, etc. She does not make as much as I do.

As my wife’s family does not live in the US. I am very careful not to "hang out" with friends. I have no friends. My wife and kids are my friends. At some point in time, my wife starts hanging out with a single mother with two kids. Three days in a row this young lady was at my house. At times when I left for work in the morning and when I came home. What is going on I asked myself? 

During this time, my mother’s wife was in town for a few months. My wife and I had a huge falling out over this. The argument went until midnight that evening.
We eventually got some sleep. I woke up the next morning to find my wife escorting her mother to the same single mothers’ vehicle as I left for work. What could I say? It’s her mother.

I have always been physically fit. I'm a Cross-fit athlete and an Olympic Weightlifting competitor. When my wife and I first met, she was fit as well. That all changed after she had out two children. For a period, we were going to Bally Total Fitness which eventually shut down. A new gym opened but my wife never got back into the habit. I tried her at my first Cross-fit gym which she was opened to but lost interest. I think she was intimidated by me. I was told that a woman does not want to be next to a man that is ultra-fit. Not sure how true that is. Over the years, I tried several tactics to get her back to what she was, but it never worked. I tried to encourage my wife to get a baby sitter, so we could go out, she was not interested in what the city we lived in had to offer from a night-life perspective. There were no Latin / Spanish clubs, so she would rather stay home. 

None of what I mentioned has been confirmed by my wife. I am married to someone that will take things to her grave before giving in. 

I am not writing this to pass judgment on my wife but to pass judgment on myself. Over the past few years, I have been drawn to pornography as an outlet. I had a moment of infidelity. I did not hide it from my wife. I came out and confessed. We went to marriage counseling as a result. My wife was filled with anger and counseling was not working. I gave up porn, destroyed my laptop and vowed to return to my path as a deacon of my church. My wife wasn't genuinely with me. She was still checked out. We reached rock bottom of our marriage and I laid out all my cards on the table, my wife refused to do the same. With a marriage counselor present, she refused to admit to things I knew to be true. She would not relent.

I have become the man I never wanted to be. Suicide (the devil) is in my ear now. He says "Why not forget about it all. Just pull the trigger. Is it a bad thing to just not know? If you pull that trigger, you're gone. The pain will be gone, you won't know how anyone feels, all will cease to exist, and you'll be at peace" 

That's where I'm at right now.


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## EleGirl

The most important issue at this point is that you are having suicidal thoughts. Please call the help line. Here's the info again.

https://www.iasp.info International--Click on HELP

USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 
Call 1-800-273-8255 
Available 24 hours everyday


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## WorkingWife

It sounds like you are deeply insecure for some reason. You take care of yourself, are attractive and work to be successful - and are successful - but still don't feel right. 

Can you see a psychiatrist? Your marriage counselor should be able to recommend one. It seems there are a few different things going on and you could really benefit from professional help and maybe some anti depressant medications to get you through this period. You have a lot going for you and the low way you feel right now does not need to be permanent.

You say that your wife won't admit to things that you know are true. Can you give some examples? It's possible if you're depressed or have something else going on that you are not perceiving things right. For example, you are better looking than average and successful but you think that women take one look at your brother and want him over you. But the truth is that women in general do not put that much stock in physical appearance. If women just stopped loving a man as soon as they saw someone more physically handsome, no couple would ever last because there will always be someone better looking somewhere. But that is not how love works. That's not how people think. 

By the way, how out of shape is your wife? How much weight has she gained? Are you no longer attracted to her?

As for you not liking the man you have become, you do not have to be that man. Please get some help for yourself. Individual counseling and ask about medication as soon as possible. As someone else said, suicide is permanent. Your problems do not need to be though.

Hang in there.


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## EleGirl

We are all human and we all do some pretty stupid things in this life. The best way to deal with it is to recognize that there are problems and how you contributed to them. And then, figure out how you can use that knowledge to grow into a better, stronger version of yourself.

Often times suicidal thoughts are driven by a person feeling that they have no control of things around them in their life. So there is a drive to think about something you have 100% control over... suicide. Once you realize this, it's then often easier to know suicide is not the answer because it does not fix anything. If anything it leaves everyone in your life devastated... your wife of course, and your children. It can do horrible harm for your children.

You cannot change your wife. The only person you can change is yourself, so that's where your major efforts needs to be. As you change, your wife will change. How she changes is up to her.

You would most likely benefit from seeing an individual counselor to work on yourself. And that counselor can also help you figure out how to handle things in your marriage.

About your brother and how women are attracted to him. I have a very similar situation with one of my sisters. What I realized after some time is that the guys are not attracted to her because she's better looking than I am. It's because she seems to have a need to have people swoon over her. So when a new guy is around (like my new boyfriend) she turns on the charm and says things that make him feel like the center of the universe. I realized that this is how she gets her validation. What I learned over time was to introduce guys to her and see if they get caught in her little game. If the guy does, that's the end of our relationship. He can be sucked in by any needy, good looking woman. 

Think back about your brother and the way women respond to him. My bet is that a large part of this is that he is interacting with the women in a very subtle but seductive manner. Sure he's good looking. But if he was good looking but just ignored the women, or was an ass around them, his looks would not be enough. My bet is that your brother has a need to one-up you to make himself feel better.

Again, please call the suicide help line.

And please get to a counselor/therapist to get help in addressing your issues. You can of course still post here on TAM.


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## sunsetmist

Sir, because you are a religious man, you know deep down that suicide is not the answer. All humans make mistakes. The man you want to be would not hurt others like this. Your sons would feel they might be responsible for your suicide. 

Do not let painful thoughts lead you down the wrong path. Please call the suicide hotline number and tell them how you are feeling. They can connect you with local doctors and/or medicine to help you. Do you have a close, trusted friend or family member you can confide in? You are in my prayers.

USA: Call 1-800-273-8255 at any time. 

Come back and let us know how you are.


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## MattMatt

FadedPictures said:


> Hello everyone, sorry for the title but that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure you've heard sob stories before and maybe that's why I joined this site. I need marital advice on pain that runs deep.
> 
> On another note, I hope everyone is doing great and I am happy to be hear.


Please contact the suicide prevention service in your area.

We have your back. We are here for you.


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## FadedPictures

WorkingWife said:


> It sounds like you are deeply insecure for some reason. You take care of yourself, are attractive and work to be successful - and are successful - but still don't feel right.
> 
> Can you see a psychiatrist? Your marriage counselor should be able to recommend one. It seems there are a few different things going on and you could really benefit from professional help and maybe some anti depressant medications to get you through this period. You have a lot going for you and the low way you feel right now does not need to be permanent.
> 
> You say that your wife won't admit to things that you know are true. Can you give some examples? It's possible if you're depressed or have something else going on that you are not perceiving things right. For example, you are better looking than average and successful but you think that women take one look at your brother and want him over you. But the truth is that women in general do not put that much stock in physical appearance. If women just stopped loving a man as soon as they saw someone more physically handsome, no couple would ever last because there will always be someone better looking somewhere. But that is not how love works. That's not how people think.
> 
> By the way, how out of shape is your wife? How much weight has she gained? Are you no longer attracted to her?
> 
> As for you not liking the man you have become, you do not have to be that man. Please get some help for yourself. Individual counseling and ask about medication as soon as possible. As someone else said, suicide is permanent. Your problems do not need to be though.
> 
> Hang in there.


Hello WorkingWife and thanks for the response. Citing back to the unmarried young lady which my wife started hanging out with. She could not remember escorting her mother to the vehicle of the young lady that took her mother where she needed to go. At our marriage counselor sessions, could not recall something lie this happening. I had to threaten to leave the marriage which prompted her to call her mother for verification. Her mother confirmed. Then my wife confessed/remembered.

My younger bother, I confronted my wife about her attraction to my younger brother, she denied it 100%. The only way it was confirmed was that her sister-in-law (which is here-say) confirmed that my wife called and told her how good my brother looks.

You can't put a price tag on marriage but for quite a few years my wife did not work and I was the sole bread winner. Anything that was need I had to take care of it for the sake of my family. For the 17 years of marriage, I can count on two hands what my wife purchased for me. y last gift was a gold plated silver necklace.

I'm not physically attracted to my wife the way I used to be. Prior to my wife, I had fantasies about a particular race of women. Just a fantasy. I met my wife and she became my ultimate fantasy. Through lies and deceit, she killed that spark. I was flat out told by her "do not bring a pot belly for me". During our childrens younger years, I didn't go to the gym as much as I needed to support my wife. I started to get a little pugy, she noticed and made that remark.


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## FadedPictures

EleGirl said:


> We are all human and we all do some pretty stupid things in this life. The best way to deal with it is to recognize that there are problems and how you contributed to them. And then, figure out how you can use that knowledge to grow into a better, stronger version of yourself.
> 
> Often times suicidal thoughts are driven by a person feeling that they have no control of things around them in their life. So there is a drive to think about something you have 100% control over... suicide. Once you realize this, it's then often easier to know suicide is not the answer because it does not fix anything. If anything it leaves everyone in your life devastated... your wife of course, and your children. It can do horrible harm for your children.


You are dead on EleGirl. I feel like I no loner have any control over my emotions specifically. 



EleGirl said:


> You cannot change your wife. The only person you can change is yourself, so that's where your major efforts needs to be. As you change, your wife will change. How she changes is up to her.


My biggest fear is how my teenage boys view me as a father. I grew up without a father but I did not allow them to fall into the same scenario. 



EleGirl said:


> You would most likely benefit from seeing an individual counselor to work on yourself. And that counselor can also help you figure out how to handle things in your marriage.


I will take your advice and see a counselor. I think I need to. My wife will ask why, who told you that you should and possibly insist that she be present.



EleGirl said:


> About your brother and how women are attracted to him. I have a very similar situation with one of my sisters. What I realized after some time is that the guys are not attracted to her because she's better looking than I am. It's because she seems to have a need to have people swoon over her. So when a new guy is around (like my new boyfriend) she turns on the charm and says things that make him feel like the center of the universe. I realized that this is how she gets her validation. What I learned over time was to introduce guys to her and see if they get caught in her little game. If the guy does, that's the end of our relationship. He can be sucked in by any needy, good looking woman.
> 
> Think back about your brother and the way women respond to him. My bet is that a large part of this is that he is interacting with the women in a very subtle but seductive manner. Sure he's good looking. But if he was good looking but just ignored the women, or was an ass around them, his looks would not be enough. My bet is that your brother has a need to one-up you to make himself feel better.


You're right again but I don't know how this happened. Why my brother feels the need to one-up me? Maybe its because we grew up as siblings who disagreed alot. I was always mean to my younger brother. I regret that as and adult.


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## FadedPictures

sunsetmist said:


> Sir, because you are a religious man, you know deep down that suicide is not the answer. All humans make mistakes. The man you want to be would not hurt others like this. Your sons would feel they might be responsible for your suicide.
> 
> Do not let painful thoughts lead you down the wrong path. Please call the suicide hotline number and tell them how you are feeling. They can connect you with local doctors and/or medicine to help you. Do you have a close, trusted friend or family member you can confide in? You are in my prayers.
> 
> USA: Call 1-800-273-8255 at any time.
> 
> Come back and let us know how you are.


Thanks sunetmist. Truth is, I don't own a gun. If I did, then yeah... It would be easier. I thought about purchasing one for protection but then there the alternative as well. I'll confide in a counselor. I don't consider myself depressed but maybe I am and not know it.


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## FadedPictures

Never thought gaslighting could happen to a man. I feel more ashamed.

Gaslighting

Description
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Wikipedia

In romantic relationships

Gaslighting is often experienced in romantic relationships. The psychological manipulation may include making the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser may invalidate the victim's experiences using dismissive language: "You’re crazy. Don’t be so sensitive. Don’t be paranoid. I was just joking! ... I'm worried; I think you're not well."[17]

Rogers and Follingstad say that such dismissals can be detrimental to women's mental health outcomes. They describe psychological abuse as "a range of aversive behaviors that are intended to harm an individual through coercion, control, verbal abuse, monitoring, isolation, threatening, jealousy, humiliation, manipulation, treating one as an inferior, creating a hostile environment, wounding a person regarding their sexuality and/or fidelity, withholding from a partner emotionally and/or physically".[31] Although the word “gaslighting” isn't included, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that is mainly manipulation and subtle ways of blaming.[citation needed]

Gaslighting has been observed in some cases of marital infidelity: "Therapists may contribute to the victim's distress through mislabeling the [victim's] reactions. [...] The gaslighting behaviors of the spouse provide a recipe for the so-called 'nervous breakdown' for some [victims] [and] suicide in some of the worst situations."[13][32]

In "Gaslighting: A Marital Syndrome", Gass and Nichols study extramarital affairs and their consequences on men's spouses. They describe how a man may try to convince his wife that she is imagining things rather than admitting to an affair: "a wife picks up a telephone extension in her own home and accidentally overhears her husband and his girlfriend planning a tryst while he is on a business trip." His denial challenges the evidence of her senses: "I wasn't on the telephone with any girlfriend. You must have been dreaming."[32]

Rogers and Follingstand examined women's experiences with psychological abuse as a predictor of symptoms and clinical levels of depression, anxiety, and somatization, as well as suicidal ideation and life functioning. They concluded that psychological abuse affects women's mental health outcomes, but the perceived negative changes in one's traits, problematic relationship schemas, and response styles were stronger indicators of mental health outcomes than the actual abuse.[31]


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## uhtred

Please seek professional help if you are feeling suicidal. 

What I can say is that in the past I had bouts of suicidal thoughts. On looking back I can see that suicide is NEVER the right answer. You will spend almost all of time dead, you have just a short life on earth. If you find you truly cannot be happy, then use that life to help others, don't throw it away.


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## Lostinthought61

i get that some days are harder than others, but checking out will in some ways create more havoc and unintended problems with your family.....two years ago i had to people i knew who committed suicide one hung himself in the middle of the night the other shot himself in the head......in both cases it destroyed their families, some fo the kids turned to drugs to escape the pain. they didn't have to clean up the mess, they did not have to handle the police, the media, the legal issues nothing, but its two years later and nothing is even close to being normal again with either family. think about it in your case you allow your wife to escape her guilt crying on the shoulder of your brother with all you money...seriously is that the end goal you want...would it not be better to divorce her and find peace with yourself and your kids....in the long run its a better ending for everyone.


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## FadedPictures

Lostinthought61 said:


> i get that some days are harder than others, but checking out will in some ways create more havoc and unintended problems with your family.....two years ago i had to people i knew who committed suicide one hung himself in the middle of the night the other shot himself in the head......in both cases it destroyed their families, some fo the kids turned to drugs to escape the pain. they didn't have to clean up the mess, they did not have to handle the police, the media, the legal issues nothing, but its two years later and nothing is even close to being normal again with either family. think about it in your case you allow your wife to escape her guilt crying on the shoulder of your brother with all you money...seriously is that the end goal you want...would it not be better to divorce her and find peace with yourself and your kids....in the long run its a better ending for everyone.


You're right and everyone else as well. I began to embrace ignorance as bliss in this case.


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## WorkingWife

EleGirl said:


> Think back about your brother and the way women respond to him. My bet is that a large part of this is that he is interacting with the women in a very subtle but seductive manner. Sure he's good looking. But if he was good looking but just ignored the women, or was an ass around them, his looks would not be enough. My bet is that your brother has a need to one-up you to make himself feel better.


This is what I was thinking. The brother may be very charismatic and charming. Maybe on purpose to get attention and compete with the OP, or maybe he's just an outgoing, cheerful personality that a lot of people are drawn to. But everyone is different and not everyone is going to be drawn to any one person. But if the OP develops this idea that every woman he brings home will want his brother over him, then HE will start acting jealous and insecure and THAT can actually cause a problem that wasn't there before.

This is just one reason why individual counseling would be really good. And if OP is having suicidal thoughts hopefully call the help line right away and they can probably give some help on resources. But I would also talk to his marriage counselor because sometimes national help lines have outdated information on phone numbers, addresses, and what programs are currently available.


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## WorkingWife

FadedPictures said:


> Hello WorkingWife and thanks for the response. Citing back to the unmarried young lady which my wife started hanging out with. She could not remember escorting her mother to the vehicle of the young lady that took her mother where she needed to go. At our marriage counselor sessions, could not recall something lie this happening. I had to threaten to leave the marriage which prompted her to call her mother for verification. Her mother confirmed. Then my wife confessed/remembered.
> 
> My younger bother, I confronted my wife about her attraction to my younger brother, she denied it 100%. The only way it was confirmed was that her sister-in-law (which is here-say) confirmed that my wife called and told her how good my brother looks.
> 
> You can't put a price tag on marriage but for quite a few years my wife did not work and I was the sole bread winner. Anything that was need I had to take care of it for the sake of my family. For the 17 years of marriage, I can count on two hands what my wife purchased for me. y last gift was a gold plated silver necklace.
> 
> I'm not physically attracted to my wife the way I used to be. Prior to my wife, I had fantasies about a particular race of women. Just a fantasy. I met my wife and she became my ultimate fantasy. Through lies and deceit, she killed that spark. I was flat out told by her "do not bring a pot belly for me". During our childrens younger years, I didn't go to the gym as much as I needed to support my wife. I started to get a little pugy, she noticed and made that remark.


That is very interesting. So it sounds like she either did not remember (which is possible but would be odd) or was lying. That's called gaslighting when your spouse denies the obvious to you and you start to feel crazy. It sounds like you have a lot of valid reasons for being unhappy in your marriage. Just remember that there are a lot of solutions. Worst case scenario, you *can *get divorced. People do it all the time. 

Right now, just know that this unhappiness, this situation as it is, does not have to be permanent. The suicidal thoughts tell you that you are deeply unhappy and not living your life the way you want to. Now you need to start figuring out what your options are, how you can change to be who you want to be and live the way you know you can. Please do call and get some assistance.


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## StarFires

FadedPictures, you have a lot of people here very concerned about you. Are you feeling better now that you read their responses? Have you called the suicide hotline yet? 

Surprisingly to me, there are a lot of things I am unable to recall. Although I'm older now and my advanced years might be to blame for some of it, it has always been a problem for me. It's probably called selective memory, but it's not intentional on my part. I don't know if your wife is gaslighting you or not because I don't know all of the things she says she is unable to remember. But is it possible that you attach significance to some things that you observe and then accuse her of your perception, but she doesn't recall them in the same manner that you perceived and interpreted them? There are a couple things you wrote about but were inconclusive, so I'm not certain of their importance to you. The first example is that you are sure your wife is attracted to your brother. Your evidence of it is that she told her sister your brother is good looking. But I can't be certain that her opinion of his looks is evidence of attraction because that is an opinion and am certain everyone forms every day about another person they think is good looking. Even if they have no human contact with their outside world, there is always someone on TV who is good looking, so we form that opinion. Is there no actress, dancer, singer, coworker, neighbor, friend, or stranger you encountered that you think is good looking? Conversely, we also form opinions about people who are on the polar end of that spectrum, so if your brother looked like a rat, she would have told her sister "OMG his brother is butt ugly." If he were fat, she would have said "OMG his brother looks like a cow" or something to that effect. Some opinion might be unkind but to form opinions is very normal and everyone does is, and people voice those opinions to others. So I'm not really certain why you are bothered by her opinion of your brother or what exactly you are accusing your wife of because it's too hard to fathom that you accuse her of thinking your brother is good looking since forming such an opinion is not commonly construed as an offense.

One of your sons cried during the night, so your wife got out of bed to care for him. She was wearing her nightshirt with no bra, so you said something to her about it. Do you feel she should have put on a bra to check on your son? I wager most women sleep without a bra and none would put on a bra to check on the baby, but you feel she did it on purpose because your brother was in the room. I understand you felt your wife was immodest, so it would have been best for you to be the one to check on your son so she wouldn't have to go in her current state of nightwear. You might not have thought of it at that moment, but I assure you that putting on a bra wasn't something she thought about either. She just wanted to check on her child and get back to sleep.

I'm confused about the single mother your wife had over. You wondered what was going on, but I'm confused of the significance that your wife had company and why you suspected something was going on. Or what was wrong with the lady taking your wife's mother someplace in her car since your wife doesn't have a car. You told us about it but didn't convey its relevance.

I just think people see things differently and sometimes what we perceive wasn't as noteworthy to others who saw or heard the same thing. You are really hurting right now but please consider that if your marriage is causing you pain, it would be best to end your marriage and not end your life. If you divorce, you can still be a part of sons' lives and your family's lives, but if you end your life, it would be devastating for all those who love you. They don't want to lose you, especially your children. They need you for the rest of their days. Please see a counselor if you need help sorting things out. We all need someone to turn to.


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## EleGirl

FadedPictures said:


> My biggest fear is how my teenage boys view me as a father. I grew up without a father but I did not allow them to fall into the same scenario.


I'm glad to hear that your intent is to stick around and be there for your boys. They need you. I attached a meme that I saw on Facebook yesterday...profound.

To be a good father, you don't have to be perfect. You just need to love your boys and be there for them.




FadedPictures said:


> I will take your advice and see a counselor. I think I need to. My wife will ask why, who told you that you should and possibly insist that she be present.


Here is where you can start working on yourself. At this point an individual counselor is going to do you the most good. That means that your wife cannot be present. The counselor might want to talk with her some, but the counseling is for you. If she insists on being at the counselor sessions, she is being controlling. 

You might want to think of some very non-threatening way to tell her that you have issues that you need to talk to someone about, you alone. "Honey, I've made an appointment to see a counselor/therapist to deal with some issues that I'm having a problem with." If she says that she wants to go too, tell her something like "The counselor wants to see me by myself to start out."

This is you taking care of yourself.


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## arbitrator

*Welcome to the TAM Family, @FadedPictures

Please remember that the consideration of suicide is simply the cowards way of dealing with adversity!

Please let us here at TAM help you! 

There is an answer!*


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## SongoftheSouth

I hope you are feeling better FadedPictures. From what you have written you sound like a great guy. As an outsider looking in you seem to be a good person but a little insecure and I don't really see why. Just keep talking to people because we are willing to listen.


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## sokillme

OK so now I have to amend what I said because I re-read your post. So your wife is attracted to your younger brother but you don't know if something happened or not. Sounds like you are insecure. On top of that you had an affair. Were you very protective of your wife over the years? Was this thing with your brother not the only time you were worried she would cheat on you? 

I get the sense that you have been hard on her. 

Maybe it's time to get to the root of your issues and get some counseling.


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## faithfulman

@FadedPictures - you haven't articulated exactly what your infidelity was, nor have you specifically described what you suspect your wife of doing.

If you can explain, we might be able to help you get answers with regard to your suspicions.


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