# My wife suggests that I should have sex with other women...



## SMS_S.O.S. (Jul 23, 2009)

Hello,
I need to get a little history off of my chest first, then I will need to ask a few questions. 
My marriage has been suffering terribly for the past year. My wife and I have been physically separated (i.e. I moved to the city to work after finishing college, while she is in another town finishing her degree.) and we are back together for the summer now, but our sex life and emotional relationship is going to hell. 
Earlier this year she came to visit me and seemed very emotionally distant. After having a few drinks out at the bar one night, she expressed to me that she had emotionally distanced herself so much in the past months that it felt strange to be together with me again--like an illusion. She said that she has been preparing herself for her future career in law enforcement, preparing to disappear, prepared for indefinite separation, or death. To make a long story short, she has cut herself off from the emotional aspects of our relationship. I have spent all summer attempting to gain back what we had one year ago. 

On my side of things, I am confused, she will not make attempts to be a loving human being, or share her feelings, or be physically responsive and intimate. I have been making deep strides in trying to coax her out of this depression_ I treat her right, I am keeping us financially secure, I do not pressure her into sex. But I started losing it one day after not having sex in over 3 weeks. It's like she is refusing to connect with me on any level. She has never had the most outstanding sex drive- but never has it just stopped completely.

So I finally get her talking about her feelings the other day, and she begins to tell me that she doesn't feel attractive, and she doesn't have desire, and "what's the point, I may just die on the job in a few months anyway, or be reassigned really far away where you can't come with me. " This all comes out quite intensely, and matter of fact-ly. She says,"you should just find someone else to have as a backup, in case." 

She has just given up on putting any energy into this relationship in any form. And now she is telling me to go sleep with other women to fulfill my sexual needs--instead of her putting forth the energy to have the amazing sex life, and emotional bond we had before the separation. 

I am just so confused and hurt that she doesn't want to make this better. We don't fight and argue. I am a patient man, always have been. I handled the separation fairly well, I was never unfaithful, and I stayed in touch and visited. I am just at a total loss right now. 

My wife used to become wrathfully jealous of other women flirting with me. Now she seems shellshocked--could care less if I was with her or out on the town trying to get sucked off.

I don't want to go and be with other women, I want her of course. Like I said, I have talked with her about my sexual needs, and she has no desire to fulfill them. Am I supposed to take her up on this suggestion? How would it make anything better? I've lost the one I love, and she's telling me to start over--though she says she loves me deeply and doesn't want a divorce. 

I am sorry if I just ranted alot here, but the sexual problem is layered with emotional problems, and shortcomings. I would appreciate any advice or some discussion with people who have more experience. I have been married for 4 years and this last year has all but destroyed my libido, and my psyche.

-----S.O.S.

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

She sounds like she has all the symptoms of depression. Has she seen a therapist yet?


----------



## SMS_S.O.S. (Jul 23, 2009)

She did about two years ago, and seemed to clear up the few problems she did have. She tried anti-depressants for a while, but said that she had no emotions at all in this period of time... strangely horny though. She got off of the meds because she said they made her feel like a robot.

-----S.O.S.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Would she be willing to go back to a therapist? It sounds like she could really use a place to get some things in her head straight.


----------



## SMS_S.O.S. (Jul 23, 2009)

I know that she would go to a therapist, but our insurance doesn't cover mental health, nor can we afford it ourselves at this time. I am looking for solutions other than professional therapy, which is why I am on this forum right now.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Have you checked with either of your jobs to see if maybe they have a program that can help with counseling. My ex-h company paid for 6 sessions of therapy for both of us (not related to health insurance)... we used a couple of them for marriage counseling, but I think we could have used it for other issues and we didn't have to go together. It doesn't sound like you are the problem, it sounds like she's very depressed... maybe there's another anti-depressant they could put her on, but she has to be willing to try something...  Hope you can get some help for her so you two can be happy again.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Just be clear, that this is not a sexual problem. It's a emotional and psychological problem with sexual symptoms. Your wife needs professional help, and I'm not a professional. 

All I can say is that if you love her, don't go sleeping with other women, no matter what she says. She feels like everything in her life is going to go bad, and that will just prove her right. About the only thing you can do for her is try to get her some help. Talk to her and see if there is anything that has triggered this. And just be there for her right now.


----------

