# Why do Wayward Spouses Condemn Others Who Cheat



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I have a thread in the CWI section. I recently caught my wife of four years in a physical affair and left her. I will be seeking divorce. 

My question is this: have any of you betrayed spouses had a wayward partner who always condemned those he or she heard were engaging in adultery, and then turn around and do it themselves? In our social group my wife was always the one condemning and coming down on people she heard were cheating. 

When you confronted them did you ever bring this question to their attention. I don't understand this level of hypocrisy. It is as if some people have the ability to completely shut off the moral side of themselves when engaging in an affair. They simply turn off their principals like they have a switch. 

Did any of you confront your spouse for this and have them turn around and justify why it was okay for them to cheat, but not anyone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

First, sorry you are going through this. It must be devastating. 

Are you asking for why cheaters who condemned other cheaters BEFORE they cheated? That because most cheaters truthfully thought they would never cheat. Most people in general will say they would never cheat. That's why boundaries are so important. But too many people are quick to say if you're gonna cheat then you're gonna cheat when boundaries could have preserve fidelity. 

As for cheaters condemning other cheaters AFTER they have cheated - hypocrisy and convincing themselves that their cheating was somehow different.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Mainly before. But during and after are also a mystery to me.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

My STBX did this all the time. In fact; he seemed so upstanding and virtuous on this issue, that he was the last person anyone-myself included!-would have ever thought he would be a man to do the very thing he condemned in others.

In the past, when I asked him questions about his former stand on cheating and what made him do the very thing he so judged in others, there was silence and the very thought out response "I don't know." Good answer huh?

So, he never did give me a justification of why-but I try not to concern myself with him as much as I used to and I am much happier now! Too much energy spent attempting to get into his cheating head~


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

The same reason that preachers that are wildly anti-gay, anti-alcohol, anti-porn are the ones that end up getting caught with male prostitutes, booze, and little boys in their closets.

People come down hard on activities that they secretly deal with as a way of justifying their own behavior.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Yep WS condemned the now OW ex husband when he cheated on her. How could he do that to her - what? You are doing it to me and she is with a married man. Double standard, IMO.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The other poster was right. Very few people really expect to cheat on their spouses. So it's easy to condemn behavior that you never expect to engage in.

Once one is cheating, it's possible that one recognizes that it is still immoral. Even bank robbers will acknowledge that it is immoral to rob banks. It's also common for one to rationalize that one's behavior is the moral exception to the general rule that cheating is immoral. I mean, if my wife is so awful that I HAVE to cheat, well I can't really be blamed for that, right?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

My wife and enjoyed getting out on Friday nights and partying at the sports bars with our friends. I'm not trying to paint my wife as an angel. She definitely was not! But up until three weeks or so ago I never caught her cheating, and whenever we were out with friends she was the one who always referred to the loose women we knew as "tramps" . She was always talking about her friends behind their backs: a trait of hers I never liked and I used to call her on it all the time. But for her to condemn people we knew who cheated and then turn around and have what I figure was a two month long EA/PA with a sleazy ex-biker type guy just absolutely blows my mind. She's not just a hypocrite, she's a hypocrite to the tenth power.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Think of it this way - 

Don't you think that burglars and thieves lock up their own property to prevent it from being stolen? And don't you think they get angry when people steal from them?

That might make them hypocrites or not, but the point is, although they commit these crimes, they still don't want to be crime victims themselves; no one does. It's pretty basic human nature.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I admit being someone who did that.

I was one who outwardly condemned people who cheated. I said they were weak and immoral. When my brother-in-law cheated, left his wife and kids and moved in with his girlfriend, I told my wife I didn't want to associate with him.

Years later I had my own affair. Now please understand what I'm about to say is NOT a justification for cheating. As my marriage deteriorated I could see why my brother-in-law cheated. His wife was horrible. He should not have cheated... he should have just left the marriage but I am sure he stayed for the kids.

At the time I used my situation as justification for cheating. It's funny how I came full circle from finding it a horrible thing to do, to actually doing it, then realizing it was still a horrible thing to do.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Bumping it. 

Anyone else have this happen?


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Simple. Deflection.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Friend of mine was verbally bashing another friend who got a DWI. Ranted on and on about how stupid he was. Fast forward 4 months. Ranter picked up for DWI passed out behind the wheel.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I grew up with the kids of a local battle ax of a woman who was so over the top about protecting kids and pushing her views on the public it was sickening. 

Some years later her husband got busted for child molesting and went to jail for life. 

Seems to me she should have put more work into her home life than she put into meddling with everyone else's business.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorta like those politicians who keep crowing about "family values" and "good, old fashioned morals"...

...then they get caught in a bathroom stall with a transvestite prostitute!

Perhaps these WSs condemn others as a way to deflect suspicion from themselves?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Well not only did my wife cheat on me but she later descended into the realm of the meth-wh0re. About as low as a person can get. And it didn't take long. I'm talking a couple of months after I left her she had completely nosedived into prostituting herself for the drug. 

My current girlfriend knew a gal who was always gossipping about other women in her circle, lambasting them for stepping out on their husbands. Then, about a year ago, it was revealed that her 15 year old son was not her husband's. She screwed around when her and her husband first got married, got knocked up by an OM, and then in her guilt she suddenly found religion and hid her misdeeds under a cloak of self righteousness. Problem was she never came clean to her hubby that the kid wasn't his. Total freakin hypocrite. Needless to say my girlfriend avoids this woman now. And I believe her husband divorced her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

That's like a serious "WTF?" She was supposed to be clean and sober, but then hangs around with a meth-involved POSOM (something recovering addicts are NOT supposed to be doing, by the way), but found a life of desperation, paranoia, abuse, living from crack den-to-crack den and waking up on urine and vomit soaked floors to be a preferable life?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

It's not just an issue with cheating. People tend not to accept their weaknesses but are quick to point them out in others. Also, a lot of it has to do with whether you are 'caught' and therefore carry the label or if you are getting away with your transgression. As long as you are getting away with it, you can happily avoid thinking of yourself as "one of those people".


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

You do bring up good points BB. My BIL used to proclaim death to cheaters every chance he got. Then it turned out he was having an affair, and that he even had the nerve to actually befriend the OW's husband, just so he could spend more time with her at her house. He then introduced the OW to his wife so that they could be friends too. They really hit it off and became close, the OW even pretended to be a shoulder to cry on when my SIL confided in her about his lack of interest in sex. Now we know the OW was secretly mocking her the whole time. SIL wasn't getting any because of the OW.

You would think that someone with my checkered adulterous history could look past this and forgive him but I couldn't. The fact that he was just so underhanded with everything and rubbed his wife's face in it was too much for me. We still have a somewhat chilly relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> You would think that someone with my checkered adulterous history could look past this and forgive him but I couldn't. The fact that he was just so underhanded with everything and rubbed his wife's face in it was too much for me. We still have a somewhat chilly relationship.


Were you open about your adulterous experiences?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Were you open about your adulterous experiences?


Very interesting that you asked me this. I was open with my wife and told her what she wanted to know. I wasn't caught either, I came clean on my own. But I never told my BIL that I also cheated. Keep in mind at the time he was in the death to all cheaters camp. 

My wife told two close friends about what I did but she never told her family. Since she wanted to reconcile she figured it would just make everybody hate me. This does not follow the TAM road map but if you want to reconcile exposure to *everybody* may not be the best idea.

My SIL on the other hand exposed to everybody. I can still hear her voice on the phone to this day. It was haunting. She hasn't gotten over it and is consumed by bitterness and its been five years. Which is terrible because she always seemed so happy before. She is remarried but she spends so much time talking about my BIL I can't imagine that she is happy.

I suppose one could argue that I should take it easy on him, but I can't. Its hard to explain. Even though what I did was despicable in my mind what he did was worse and far more cruel. 

On a side note I was never one of those I'll never cheat people. Seemed awfully hypocritical to me. I have many flaws but honesty with myself was never really an issue.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Very interesting that you asked me this. I was open with my wife and told her what she wanted to know. I wasn't caught either, I came clean on my own.


Off topic, sorry. Do you know how UNUSUAL you are RH, what a rare species you are? You weren't caught but came clean on your own? You are probably 1 in 1000. Seriously! Cruise over to CWI if you don't believe me. And kudos for it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, RH, I guess it is good that you never lie to yourself. I mean, I am sure it is good, but I do wonder how you were able to do the things you did without lying to yourself in some way. 

And I have to admit, when you said a few weeks ago that despite what you did, if your wife ever cheated even once, she would be out the door, I just did not know what to say in response.

I don't think any one of us could ever say for certain we would never cheat. I don't think of myself as a cheater, but I would not want to test that, either.

And I can't believe my dh would cheat, either. But maybe those are famous last words, too.

Okay, back to your judgment of your bil . . . you feel like there are levels to cheating? That he was not only cheating, but doing extra-devious things, too? He wasn't just indulging lust, but added deception, extreme deception, to it?

I don't know, RH. Maybe I just can't wrap my mind around that. I guess it's like stealing a car, or stealing a car from your best friend after you beg for a job working at his car lot? 

Again, maybe I just don't understand. But thank you, anyway, for considering my question, and for your response.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, RH, I guess it is good that you never lie to yourself. I mean, I am sure it is good, but I do wonder how you were able to do the things you did without lying to yourself in some way.
> 
> And I have to admit, when you said a few weeks ago that despite what you did, if your wife ever cheated even once, she would be out the door, I just did not know what to say in response.
> 
> ...


I don't think I'm all that unique. Like most cheaters I compartmentalized it. If you talk to enough men adulterers one thing many of them have in common is an ability to declare love for their wives yet fool around because they assume if she doesn't know its not hurting her. In my mind I wasn't lying to myself. I knew exactly what I was doing. I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong. Most of my inner circle was doing the same and my behavior was not discouraged (men can have toxic friends too).

It all changed one day though, I developed a conscience and the guilt became unbearable. I think the key driver was that my wife was ready to start a family, but honestly I'm not sure what clicked. I don't know why I could change and others could not.

Regarding why I couldn't stay with my wife if she cheated I thought I explained it but maybe I didn't reply. Knowing her the way I do if she was sleeping with another man she'd be in love with him. Not "fog" but actually in love. If this were the case there would be no point in staying in the marriage.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

********** said:


> Off topic, sorry. Do you know how UNUSUAL you are RH, what a rare species you are? You weren't caught but came clean on your own? You are probably 1 in 1000. Seriously! Cruise over to CWI if you don't believe me. And kudos for it.


Thanks, I sometimes post on CWI. Usually only when someone asks for a WS opinion. There are actually some posters on CWI that think it was cruel to confess to my wife. They saw it as me dropping my baggage on her. 

I can't say I agree with that. I wanted her to know because I felt it should be up to her if she wanted to stay with someone like me. Plus at the time I wasn't 100% sure that I could even stop. Its been over a decade though since D-Day. We're fine now and I haven't cheated since confessing.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There was a story (I think you can find it on Youtube) where a radio show called a guy's W and told her that it was her H's boss, saying that he was being dismissed for having sex with a female coworker in the office.

The W went on a tirade like Mussolini off the balcony, screaming that he better not come home, that she's throwing all his stuff on the lawn, she's divorcing him, he'll never see his kids again, she's gonna take everything, yada yada...

Then a long, exasperated breath from her, and then she says: "Now I don't feel so bad for f**king his brother!"

Brief, awkward silence: then her H's voice and he says: "Honey, I'm on the Joe Schmo radio show, and this was supposed to be a joke. Ummm...Happy Birthday."


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Yes, my H was in the bashing camp.. Although, funnily enough, he wasn't as bad about bashing others UNTIL he was cheating.. I think, in his case, it was purely deflecting.. 

I remember sitting at a party and he was talking about (bashing) a mutual guy friend who was cheating on his long term girlfriend and using the firehouse to do it (fellow firefighter we were talking to) and the guy looked so uncomfortable.. I remember thinking, "dude, H, you're not supposed to talk about this in front of the wives" and now I look back and think, the reason he was so uncomfortable is b/c he knew H was cheating on me and couldn't believe he was talking about it and bashing another guy in front of the wife he was cheating on.. doh.. 

But funnily enough, even though STBXH gossiped to me all the time about his guy friends who were cheating, he just can't believe that those same guys would gossip about HIS cheating.. They all kept HIS secret, you know


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There was one woman who figured it out over time:

When they were first married, they'd watch TV shows that featured cheating, and he'd condemn the cheaters as immature, irresponsible, etc.

A few years later, he'd start saying things like "Well, maybe they felt that they had their reasons to cheat...maybe they were desperate."

Soon, it was: "Well, the W was such a nagging shrew!" or "The H was such a clueless jerk!"

This set off that "gut feeling" and so she started investigating.

Sure enough, he was banging a girl at work for a few years...


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