# How to do reconciliation when H is 180 still?



## saphire

How do I move toward reconciliation when my husband is doing the 180?

*Background:* My H and I are two months into our (planned) 3 month trial separation. I asked for the separation. He fought it at first, begged and pleaded for me to stay, but when our arguments escalated and happened in front of our child, he finally agreed. He has done some version of the 180 and this was helpful to have this professional detachment in our interactions. Our 10 year old daughter stays with me almost full time at his request but they see each other a few hours at time when I have business meetings or IC. 

He has stepped up in many of the ways I've asked. 

*• Long Term Unemployment.* Before our separation, he had been unemployed for almost 8 years! We have recently launched a new business together that he was supposed to run, and after all the work to get it going, he wasn't showing up to do the work and this made me very upset and I felt hopeless about our future. My goal of separation was that he'd work there at least half of the week. To my delight, he is working there full time - taking it over entirely. This will free me to go back to my lucrative consulting work that had been on hold while launching the business.

*• Untreated Depression:* Another thing that has changed is he went on anti-depression medication soon before our separation (one of the reasons I think he wouldn't get a job, stating he'd be the house husband while I was the bread earner - an arrangement I never liked as he was depressed and not a great at keeping up the domestic side all of these years). So him on medication is good.

*• Marriage Counseling*. I've wanted it for years and he dragged his feet. Upon separation he found a counselor and made an appointment and we've gone every week during separation. He says he'll start IC too (which I'm in).

Things that are unchanged:

*• Intimacy:* he had withdrawn sexually years ago and puts all the blame on me. We were comparable body sizes when we got married (I was a size 12 as a bride) . I lost a little weight over the years (now a size 10) and he has lost a lot of weight and become a fitness/health nut during all these years he hasn't worked. So he wants me to be a size 6 before he'll have sex again. This seems kind of jerky to me. But if he isn't attracted to me, he isn't attracted to me. I'm losing weight now.

*• Chronic pot smoker:* to my knowledge this hasn't changed. My friends see him emerge from a cloud of smoke when they visit … uugh. One of my concerns was that the pot smoking is an escape and leaves him numb from really being present with my daughter and me. It is an unhealthy escape.

In terms of my personal work, I'm doing IC, I'm in a codependents anonymous group, and I'm working out and eating healthier. Might as well get thin whether it is for H or for my future (actually, I do want it to be for me). I've come clean about a (quasi) emotional affair I had. I felt very guilty about it and have shown my remorse many times. He says he wished I had slept with the OM instead of having an EA and that has always seemed like an odd response. Sometime he acts like my EA was no big deal, that I chose a ridiculous OM and other times my H wants to punch him and hurt him.

I miss my husband as my "soft place to fall" and now that I've been NC with the OM for 3 months, my affection for my husband and our 15 years together is coming back to me. But with him doing the 180, I don't know if he has kind and tender feelings for me anymore. During MC he just kinds of brags about how great he is doing. There is no vulnerability there (I suppose the point of the 180) so I don't know what happens next.

I'm getting to the point of thinking we should live under the same roof again to work on the marriage. I think our issues could be fixable. 

Any advice on what to do next?


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## aine

Your trial separation was for three months, the least you could do is wait till the three months are up and then have a frank discussion with your husband about whether you two will have a future. You have to risk the possibility that this is a door of escape for him because if he does not want sexual intimacy that is a big red flag against having a future. 
Maybe he would be more at peace moving on if you had a PA or perhaps the thought of you sharing your emotions with someone that is bothering him, he might think a PA is less of an offense to him. You need to deal with the A as this is a big issue which you seem to downplay.
You have to be prepared for the possibility of you both not getting back together.


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## Happilymarried25

The pot smoking would be a deal breaker for, especially having a child. He need to deal with life with a clear head. I wouldn't get back together with him untill he quits. He could also get untill legal trouble because pot is illegal unless you live in a state where it isn't. You shouldnt need to be a size 6 for him to want to have sex with you. Don't loose weight for him, only do it for yourself.


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## ConanHub

Have you two ever gone to counseling to help him recover from your affair? Have you ever had to deal with it?

He has plenty of issues but your unfaithfulness is absolutely on you.

How have you owned it and helped heal the damage you caused?

If your affair was never properly dealt with, I don't see great progress for your marriage.

I'm glad you put your foot down about his issues but you had an affair and then separated from him.

That doesn't inspire trust. What are you doing about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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