# Sparing a Spouse's feelings V Lying



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

At what point does sparing a partner's feelings become lying? If I am served a really bad meal by W and I eat it and then my W says 'how was that?' is it fair that I should answer 'delicious'? 

Likewise if I really need sex but my W becomes a block of ice towards me and shows no interest in even allowing me to kiss her and I move away is it fair that I should say 'I'm fine' if asked am I OK when I am truthfully seething inside?

I know it is said the truth will set you free but whoever coined that phrase must have never been with a difficult woman!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, dinner is always "delicious" if your partner makes it and serves it to you. 

No, you should never lie that you are "fine" when you are absolutely not fine. Be honest, even if your spouse is hurt by the truth. You don't have to say it in a hurtful way - "I'm not fine; I'm hurt (or upset or angry or disappointed or whatever you feel) that you don't want me to kiss you."

Be honest.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I am a firm believer in truth but not to the extent of being a moron. Everything my wife cooks is delicious. Nothing in my wife's closet makes her butt look big. No matter where we go, I will never find another woman more attractive than my wife. Regarding the no-sex transaction in bed, a truthful response would be "I'm not ok, I'm pissed". While truthful, that response is unlikely to get you laid or allowed to sleep. If your goal is to stay up all night discussing a matter you can't win or to take your frustrated self to the couch, by all means, break out the truth. On the other hand, a little white lie, "I'm fine" will at least get you some sleep. The discussion you should have with your wife will probably be more productive if it took place when you weren't angry.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It may be difficult but AS a woman.. I would rather my man tell me if the meal was crappy and if he wasn't fine... vs lieing about it. Yes that is lying imo and if my man were to keep that up he would eventually build resentment because that would result in his feelings being ignored.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I am not the world's greatest cook... but what I lack in the culinary world, I make up for with my charisma! haha... anyway, I appreciate his honest, constructive criticism. I want to learn to cook delicious meals (Which I have actually accomplished. Where's my medal for that?) so when he gives his feedback on the meal if it's not great then I appreciate that. It doesn't mean it needs to be nasty. It can be supportive and constructive. And he does usually still eat what I've made (okay except those times I added way too much salt and/or soy sauce and we thought it best to find something else to eat). 

I personally value knowing what he really thinks. Doesn't mean he has to be insensitive about it though.

And I don't think it's helpful to the relationship to say "It's fine" when it's not. But again, it doesn't mean it has to come from a place that's unsupportive to the relationship. You can still approach it and be on the same page as one another.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Gaia said:


> It may be difficult but AS a woman.. I would rather my man tell me if the meal was crappy and if he wasn't fine... vs lieing about it. Yes that is lying imo and if my man were to keep that up he would eventually build resentment because that would result in his feelings being ignored.



And having to get served that bad meal another time, since he said he liked it..LOL


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> And having to get served that bad meal another time, since he said he liked it..LOL


yeah really....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

See, now I disagree...sort of. Well, regarding the dinner lol. I actually expect honesty regarding meals. Of course, I have been trying new recipes lately, so I want honest opinions so I know whether to make it again or not. I mean, if it isn't a dish you would want again, SAY so. Why make something you THINK they like, when inside, they are holding back the urge to vomit? Yes, I'm aware that's extreme lol. But you get my point. And, if something's burned, he tells me "honey, I think it got a bit scorched" lol. But we're weird anyway. 

Now, the "I'm fine" grates on my nerves. If you're not feeling well, SAY SO. Even if you are repeating yourself. Just say it.

I'm not one for "lie of omission to spare the feelings"... not anymore. Too much trouble can be caused by such things. Once one "little lie" is told, it gets much easier to tell bigger ones.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> And having to get served that bad meal another time, since he said he liked it..LOL


EXACTLY!


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

No matter what I said to my W earlier today she took offence to it. If I made a little joke she took it seriously. So I did understand from that mood I needed to be careful. I might try to bring it up tomorrow but it all depends on her mood swings. And no she is not having her periods.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lonesomegra said:


> At what point does sparing a partner's feelings become lying? If I am served a really bad meal by W and I eat it and then my W says 'how was that?' is it fair that I should answer 'delicious'?
> 
> Likewise if I really need sex but my W becomes a block of ice towards me and shows no interest in even allowing me to kiss her and I move away is it fair that I should say 'I'm fine' if asked am I OK when I am truthfully seething inside?
> 
> I know it is said the truth will set you free but whoever coined that phrase must have never been with a difficult woman!


An observation: don't build resentment towards your wife by feeling you are sparing her feelings.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

So I should be 'polite' but blunt at the same time?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Most of my married life I haven't been open to critism. As a result my husband chose his words carefully and tried to not say anything that would hurt my feelings. This is no way to live though so now I've told my husband that I'd rather him tell me the truth 'nicely' than to spare my feelings.

I need to know if a dish sucks so I can take it out of my rotation. I need to know if he's angry with me so I can fix it.

If I'm 'moody' I tell my husband to be gentle with me which means on that day it's really not a good time to tell me he's angry with me. KWIM?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

If I make something he doesn't like, I want him to tell me. It could be "Honey, I appreciate the thought, but I'd rather not have it again" or it could be "Wow, this really SUCKS!" and I'd be fine with either way. There have been times I've made things that had me dry heaving, if me or my guy don't like it, I won't make it again.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I am of the opinion that there shouldn't be ANY lies in a marriage. White lies or other. Lies of any kind come in between your connection with your spouse. I don't feel that it is worth it. If you work on it you should be able to say those things that you don't like without your spouse getting upset. None of us are perfect and in my marriage we don't pretend to be.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> So I should be 'polite' but blunt at the same time?


I think you are confusing being a jerk with being honest. You can say the same thing two different ways and one way is being an ass:moon:hole and the other is being politely honest. 

"That dress makes you look like a size 14"


"Honey that dress doesn't work well with your figure"


See?? There is a difference.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Most of my married life I haven't been open to critism. As a result my husband chose his words carefully and tried to not say anything that would hurt my feelings. This is no way to live though so now I've told my husband that I'd rather him tell me the truth 'nicely' than to spare my feelings.
> 
> I need to know if a dish sucks so I can take it out of my rotation. I need to know if he's angry with me so I can fix it.
> 
> If I'm 'moody' I tell my husband to be gentle with me which means on that day it's really not a good time to tell me he's angry with me. KWIM?


We fell into not-so-healthy habits too. It's all a learning process. 

And this is why I think learning how to communicate effectively, while not treading on egg-shells, is important. This stuff can easily ripple into other areas of the relationship. It's not always easy, but it's worthwhile. I notice those moments when I have to discipline my mind to not fall into 'old habits' and he does the same. It's much easier to stay comfortable than to challenge oneself and attempt change. But what you learn about yourself (as well as the relationship) by embracing the changes necessary, is completely beneficial.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> We fell into not-so-healthy habits too. It's all a learning process.
> 
> And this is why I think learning how to communicate effectively, while not treading on egg-shells, is important. This stuff can easily ripple into other areas of the relationship. It's not always easy, but it's worthwhile. I notice those moments when I have to discipline my mind to not fall into 'old habits' and he does the same. It's much easier to stay comfortable than to challenge oneself and attempt change. But what you learn about yourself (as well as the relationship) by embracing the changes necessary, is completely beneficial.


:iagree: Well said.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I think you are confusing being a jerk with being honest. You can say the same thing two different ways and one way is being an ******* and the other is being politely honest.
> 
> "That dress makes you look like a size 14"
> 
> ...


Sometimes my H is upfront - it's supportive and helpful.

Sometimes he uses humor. Eating a dish where I've been heavy handed on the soy-sauce, he might start pulling goofy faces (that it's awful lol) as he eats while telling me "It's just the perfect amount of soy-sauce!" It's in the delivery. He has me cracking up with laughter. And then we might talk about the recipe and why it ended up to be inedibly salty lol.


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## Sunshine72 (May 24, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> So I should be 'polite' but blunt at the same time?


I vote polite but honest. I like to know if I'm doing something wrong or not to someone's liking. 

I also like to know if I'm doing something right. Maybe, "Wife I love that you take the time to cook for me. The veggies were awesome, but I don't think I cared much for the casserole."

I don't think saying you're fine when you're really feeling rejected is right either. Maybe admitting you feel a little hurt but you understand and are not angry would be better. 

I dunno. I prefer the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I can handle criticism, as long as it's given with respect--not cruelty. My husband has no problem telling me about a meal he doesn't care for. He will usually say, "It's okay, but I would rather it not go into the regular rotation of meals." Or, "Let's have this one again..soon." 

I don't ask my husband if clothes make me look fat. I have a mirror.

The sex stuff can be trickier, but I think it comes down to respect again. A quiet conversation about any issues that exist and maybe some time to reflect on a solution is more constructive than guilt trips and accusations.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP - Has your wife got you walking on eggshells, and is that why you're asking if it's OK to tell those little white lies ? Because, if so, things may be on the wrong track. Perhaps your wife needs to work on her own issues instead of you having to worry about everything that comes out of your mouth being something she takes offence to.

JMO regarding any 'does this dress make me look fat' questions from women. Chances are, if she's asking the question, she already KNOWS it makes her look fat. Figure out how to point that out, instead of just saying 'Ya.'...LMAO!

"Sweets, since you're asking, maybe you'd be more comfortable in something else?"...?

I don't know...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with everyone else; it is the tone of your voice and how you say unpleasant things that is critical.

Communication is essential to a healthy marriage. If you let things fester and tell white lies, resentments grow, and that will slowly kill your love for each other.

We all respect people who are honest with us. People cannot wear the mask of dishonesty for very long without cracks showing. It will benefit both your marriage and your work relationships to learn how to express yourself in a calm, supportive manner without white lies and hidden resentments.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I used to be married to a man who took pride in being brutally honest -- I don't recommend it.

I do recommend considering context, and here's the analogy I always use to explain it:

If I'm giving a big public speech in three days and I ask my husband how my dress looks, and he says that it really is not very flattering and will look like crap on TV, then that is helpful.

If I'm giving a big public speech in three minutes and I ask my husband, "how do I look?", and he says anything but "great", that's not helpful. In fact, that is cruel and abusive.

Do you see the difference? All in the context.

Now, in your case, about the sex, I'm with a poster above -- saying "I'm fine" for now may get you some sleep, but you really can't let that go for long -- the very next day you need to say, "well, I really wasn't fine, and we need to talk about this." Long-term lying about sexual frustration never ends well.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

If my asked me what was wrong and I said "I'm fine," when I'm obviously not, she wouldn't let me get away with. She'd keep asking until I was honest.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I tell the truth...it's the only way for everyone to know where they stand. Sparing someones feelings can be done by simply being kind and thoughtful with your wording. 

If you ask me something I don't think you can handle I will tell you " I don't think you want to know the answer to that".
Says everything. Puts the ball back in your court.

The truth is the only way... (many) men have this so wrong. They so often think women can't handle the truth...when in fact the men just don't like the reaction they get. It's the men who can't handle the truth. 

If you wife reacts in a over the top way...deal with it like a grown up (man). Stand up for yourself and set a new standard in your marriage, surely better than tip toeing around trying not to hurt her feelings.... she is a big girl now and (probably) can handle the truth.


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## Sunshine72 (May 24, 2012)

waiwera said:


> If you wife reacts in a over the top way...deal with it like a grown up (man). Stand up for yourself and set a new standard in your marriage, surely better than tip toeing around trying not to hurt her feelings.... she is a big girl now and (probably) can handle the truth.


I like this part. If someone doesn't like the answer to the fat butt question when they know their butt is fat they shouldn't ask. I think some ask the question when fishing for a compliment and that's not right either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> At what point does sparing a partner's feelings become lying? If I am served a really bad meal by W and I eat it and then my W says 'how was that?' is it fair that I should answer 'delicious'?
> 
> Likewise if I really need sex but my W becomes a block of ice towards me and shows no interest in even allowing me to kiss her and I move away is it fair that I should say 'I'm fine' if asked am I OK when I am truthfully seething inside?
> 
> I know it is said the truth will set you free but whoever coined that phrase must have never been with a difficult woman!


There are a lot of ways to say something and when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings and still be honest with them, you can still say : "Honey, thank you for the meal although I'd suggest .... " 
That's when diplomacy comes into play. 

But after you've been rejected and your wife asks you if you're fine then why do you have to lie? Just tell her you don't feel good and if she cares she'll try to explain herself and make it up to you.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

About 3 nights ago I tried to have an honest open conversation with my W after yet another bout of unsatisfactory sex for me. 

I indicated to her that I felt she needed to grow up in regards to sex and that her hang-ups were not normal and were in effect putting me down. After this particular lovemaking session as per my long time affliction I tried my hardest ever but still was unable to ejaculate during copulation. Therefore I was left with a raging erection but no way to relieve it. She will not jerk me off as she can't stand the sticky feeling nor will she currently let me ejaculate on her. So I am left to fend for myself. This just feels so disappointing, pathetic and a sad, lonely ending to sex.

During the conversation I said that I am often in tears when she leaves me like this, however my W revealed that she too often cries herself to sleep. When I questioned why she said that she is lonely. When I enquired was this due to the fact that I was no longer sleeping with her in the same bed she told me no. She didn't seem to be able to tell me why she is lonely or what is it that is causing this feeling. I took it as a sign that we are starting to drift apart. 

I am doing my best to communicate but these things must operate both ways. The worst part of this for me is the way she reacts towards me around neighbours, family and friends. It is as if everything is lovey-dovey between us yet the second the door closes and we are alone she assumes an entirely different and difficult persona.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Most people don't want your opinion they want affirmation or agreement. This is just as true with a spouse. More so don't share information about trivial things you know will get them wrapped around the axle about anything. You know what your own spouse's threshold for anxiety is, so don't cross it.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Most people don't want your opinion they want affirmation or agreement. This is just as true with a spouse. More so don't share information about trivial things you know will get them wrapped around the axle about anything. You know what your own spouse's threshold for anxiety is, so don't cross it.


Runs like Dog can you please elaborate on what you wrote above. I am having difficulty deciphering your post.


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