# I've been accused of having "Lazy Wife Syndrome"



## Dalicias

Hi everyone, been awhile since I have had or felt the need to be searching on here for answers, but tonight was a difficult one. You can probably find my backstory in my other posts, but as a quick refresher:

I'm 24, I have two kids, one with my current fiance, and I am by no means a perfect wife. Well, tonight my husband came home furious because I did nothing all day long. 

Just quit a job that ended up getting more demanding than I could keep up with (keep in mind I was a manager for two apartment buildings AND looking after the kids full-time.) I onlt had it for a month or so until my boss came and told me I needed to be cleaning everyday instead of every week. (Past managers only cleaned once a week, so I figured that was the job description - I never received a formal one.)

I worked my ass off with the old site manager for free most of the time to prove myself to the boss that I could do the job for about a year. Even to the point of washing the building windows while 9 months pregnant.

There's a few things my fiance and I have had to overcome together, like his porn addiction - and I can happily say that I stuck by him and now trust him completely in that he hasn't watched in about a year.

However, now I am being accused of Lazy Wife Syndrome because the past 4 days I haven't done anything. I admit, I haven't done anything. My husband had been coming home from work seething, and I asked every time for an explanation, but he told me it was work, until tonight when he finally let it all out. Even the words of separation were used, because he was so angry at the mess in here. 

I understand exactly how he feels, because minus the past two or so months, and especially while pregnant and before the baby was born - I did everything about 90% of the time. Including taking care of the kids all weekend while he played his video games. 

When I suggested having chores for each of us written on the calendar, he scolded me for trying to be like his mother - and now he is suggesting we do that, and I am seething down inside. Why is it when I needed the help, for 3 years, that my needs went out the door, but he gets angry about it and I am complying?

I don't want to lose him. I love him very much and go to the ends of the earth to make him happy, which is why as soon as he told me tonight, I cleaned up, I did dishes, I vaccumed, I made him feel better. Because I didn't know he felt so strongly about this.

Now that everything is said and done, I am not the best housekeeper. He's known that since he met me and chose to overlook it, for my character I suppose. I have stuck by him through porn addiction, him being lazy, not wanting to take care of the kids, (to this day I think he has done laundry about 4 times in the past 2 years) and for awhile there, I was fed up with him too - but I never ever thought of leaving him for the trivial stuff.

I agreed with him that now that I am jobless, it is not his job to clean up after me or the kids mess from during the day, and that he had every right to be angry in feeling like it was his job. I let him know it will take me a week or two after a change in schedule to get back on track. 

Now I am left wondering the state of our relationship. If it was that easy for him to think of separation even if it was 20 years down the line - I am now left wondering if I should even get married. I don't want to put the kids through that regardless of when it is. I am a firm believer that divorce does not exist for me - you work on your relationship, and because I am a perfectly understanding woman, he should have no reason to have anger building up - he knows he can talk to me. 

I suppose most of this was venting because I feel hurt. I had a child young with an *******, moved out at 17, graduated high school at 20, went to a technical college, and now that I do not work anymore, I am trying to start up my online design career...and my husband called it a hobby and that taking care of the kids and house is my job. I have had my lazy times, and a lot of them. I still suffer from depression, but have learnt how to manage it rather than cover it up with drugs, and I believe I am a good wife - but I hate feeling like I am a nobody who's job it is is to clean up after everyone and isn't supposed to have a life of her own. I used to be really bubbly, fun and sociable. I never get to leave the house really...

So I am frustrated. I hate when people say I am lazy. To have my husband say it is even worse.


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## Dalicias

Might I add, sometimes it is difficult for me to keep a 450 (roughly) square foot two bedroom apartment with two kids clean most days.


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## LonelyinLove

Every once in a while I take a chill day too. But's for one day, not four in row.

If you are STAH moming it, you should be responsible for most of the in-home chores. I also realize taking care of 2 small children is very time consuming and tiring.

If I didn't write stuff down, nothing would get done...So, my suggestion for you is to make a list of what you need to get done for that day...include menu's and shopping lists for the meals...all on a To Do list.

As you get things done, check them off the list. Account for any break time...TV, Internet, Phone, play time with kids, etc. You would be surprised how fast that time can be used up.

That doesn't mean you will always get everything done for the day...not always....things happen, kids get sick etc...

But it will help keep you on track and give you a measureable outcome for the day.

And yes, your husband does need to do his share too.


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## Dalicias

Well, thank you for the suggestion. However, I already do make lists out of my wazoo. Do I use them efficiently enough? No, probably not. I'll try harder on that part. But, for the most part lists end up being paper which ends up somewhere it should not be.


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## LonelyinLove

Dalicias said:


> Well, thank you for the suggestion. However, I already do make lists out of my wazoo. Do I use them efficiently enough? No, probably not. I'll try harder on that part. But, for the most part lists end up being paper which ends up somewhere it should not be.


No plan will work if you don't use it.

Lists keep you focused, accountable, and you can see the results being checked off.

Get a daily planner if a sheet of paper is too hard to keep track of....excuses will not get the house clean....


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## Blonde

Read a few pages from here on and see if it fits your H.

From your OP, I see you have very poor boundaries and are a "people pleaser" to the extreme. Working your arse off for free for the site manager, and jumping up instantly to appease your H when he complained.

The isolation you mention in the second to last paragraph sounds very emotionally draining and unhealthy. What is your technical degree in? Can you get a job in that? I think you will feel better about yourself if you do not depend on your fiance for esteem.


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## 3Xnocharm

Your apartment is only 450 sq ft?? Wow thats tiny! No offense intended here, but get off your duff and clean the place. I understand you have two kids, but this is your job, for now. With that said, he is not excused from helping out when he gets home, especially with your kids. But his expectation that you take care of things at home is not out of line.


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## Mavash.

I've lived in tiny places and large places. The tiny places are harder to keep clean than the larger ones.

I know this defies all logic but it's true.


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## momtwo4

Mavash. said:


> I've lived in tiny places and large places. The tiny places are harder to keep clean than the larger ones.
> 
> I know this defies all logic but it's true.


It IS true. There's more space for all the stuff to spread out in a large place so it doesn't look as messy. Not so with a small space.


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## Mavash.

momtwo4 said:


> It IS true. There's more space for all the stuff to spread out in a large place so it doesn't look as messy. Not so with a small space.


And there are FOUR people living there. I can't even imagine 4 people in 450 square feet.


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## Dalicias

Well, regarding Blonde, my husband is not abusive. I have never claimed him to be, and thinking of him in that light, I can't even imagine him to do anything truly abusive. 

Mavash, you are right. It seems like I am constantly purging, and it never seems to be enough.

I am also not a people pleaser. I can't get a job. I have been offered jobs with my particular skillset, but after doing the calculations for taxes, daycare and before/after school programs for the kids, it wouldn't make sense to work outside of the home for $300.00 per month. That and my husband wants me to stay at home with the little one, doesn't trust him with a daycare/babysitter. 

I have been doing everything I can to make a little extra cash here and there. That's what I had to do to make what I could at the time (Re: working for free sometimes) and it helped us out in times where we needed it most. So I am not at all bitter about that, and I believe I made the right choice there. It doesn't mean I am a pushover because I certainly am not. 

Mavish, what made you comment that it had nothing to do with my housekeeping skills? Certainly you must have an opinion not stated above...


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## Mavash.

Dalicias said:


> Mavish, what made you comment that it had nothing to do with my housekeeping skills? Certainly you must have an opinion not stated above...


Lets start with him calling you names. How is calling you 'lazy' helpful? That's not how a healthy relationship works. All relationships have conflict and it takes skill to learn to communicate. You sit down and think win/win. You state what you need then you listen to the other person's point of view. You discuss the problem calmly and rationally until a solution/compromise has been reached. This may not happen right away. My husband and I of 22 years have had problems that took us 2 weeks to come up with a mutually satisfying solution.

Then lets move onto how he took something as inconsequential as housekeeping and turned it into a talk of separation.

Do you not see how your problem is bigger than your housekeeping skills?

Your husband waits until his resentment is so big that he explodes then you rush around trying to 'fix it' and I'm not even sure exactly what he's so mad about. Is it because you did nothing for 4 days? Is it the state of the house? What's the core problem and I'm betting even he doesn't know and it's not your housekeeping skills.

Sometimes when people get mad over trivial matters like housework it's safer than admitting what they are really upset about.

Make sense? Dig deep and try to figure what he's really mad about. Is he jealous that you had all that free time maybe? I could think of so many things that could be bothering him to the point of anger.


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## Theseus

Dalicias,

I see some people are already projecting their husbands on to yours and making all kinds of assumptions about someone they don't know.

I'm going to assume you are not a lazy person. Some people are just not well-suited to housework, and you might be one of them (sounds like your husband would be the same). You might be much happier at a full time job and hiring help to come in and do some of the housework. Not everyone is cut out for every type of job, including homemaking. I certainly am not - I could not stand being a stay at home husband myself.


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## Mavash.

My husband could care less how clean our house is.

And I've gone way more than 4 days at times doing the minimum.

All he cares about is that me and our kids are happy.

He's never once called me names or threatened to leave me.

No projection here.


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## Theseus

Mavash. said:


> No projection here.


You forgot you wrote this? :



Mavash. said:


> I bet you could keep the house spotless and he'd still not be all that happy with you.


If not your husband, you are projecting someone, unless you happen to know the OP's husband outside of this forum and have information we don't.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Mavash. said:


> My husband could care less how clean our house is.
> 
> And I've gone way more than 4 days at times doing the minimum.
> 
> All he cares about is that me and our kids are happy.
> 
> He's never once called me names or threatened to leave me.


Same here. 

I had a major neck surgery that took a long time to heal. I didn't cook or clean for a few months or so after. My husband stood by my side and helped as much as he could while working 3 jobs at the time. I do like a clean house and I do like to clean. I do remember it was much more difficult to keep the house clean when the kids were young. The toys were a pain in the rear to keep on picking up. The kids literally kept them out until they went to bed. 

It gets easier to keep the house clean once the kids grow a little older. They can certainly help out with the chores daily and pick up after themselves.

I don't ever expect my husband to help with the house chores. My husband wanted me home with the kids and this was discussed prior to getting married. I think it's so important to be on the same page with this or resentments will build.

You need to sort this out and any other issues before you get married. Good luck.


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## Blonde

Dalicias said:


> I worked my ass off with the old site manager for free most of the time to prove myself to the boss that I could do the job for about a year. Even to the point of washing the building windows while 9 months pregnant.


^^poor boundaries



> I don't want to lose him. I love him very much and go to the ends of the earth to make him happy, which is why as soon as he told me tonight, I cleaned up, I did dishes, I vaccumed, I made him feel better. Because I didn't know he felt so strongly about this.


^^people pleasing

The Bancroft book seemed a perfect read for you because it does not seem your man negotiates these things. He wants what he wants and he feels entitled to it. If you object you are "like his mother". 



> minus the past two or so months, and especially while pregnant and before the baby was born - *I did everything about 90% of the time. Including taking care of the kids all weekend while he played his video games. *
> 
> When I suggested having chores for each of us written on the calendar, he scolded me for trying to be* like his mother *


Go back to the link I posted and look at page 154 #4 "Free Labor from Her; Leisure and Freedom for him". In his example, the man calls his wife "lazy".


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## Acorn

I am in agreement with posters citing poor boundaries.

It sounds like H is not that much of a stand up guy by any stretch, but that said, I don't he's the core problem here.

I don't think it's normal to do nothing for four days in a row, and sounds a lot like depression tbh. I think a lot of the recipe for a happier life has a whole lot of changes made inside you and very little about what your husband is or is not doing.


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## Interlocutor

I work, do half the housework, and spend time with my son every day. It's called life. Life is everyday. Even on a day off, there are still a few things that need to be done. A real parent knows there's no such thing as a complete day off.

I'd be upset if one day my wife came home and did nothing...

Four days in a row? Sorry, it would never even get to that, ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## argyle

...dunno though...
...if you're working full-time...and your wife is at home...
...and you've already put the kids in preschool because she doesn't really take care of them...
...and you've tried chore lists...
...and just cleaning up yourself...
...and hired maids...who won't touch much of your wife's mess...
...and given up...
...until you've realized that your wife will walk through excrement instead of picking it up...
(...maybe a bit of projection here...)

I'm thinking that anger is a reasonable response. Maybe not the most productive. But...yeah. For me, the one thing that sets me off is the way she (a) feeds the kids cheerios on the bed instead of waking up; (b) leaves the cheerio boxes on the bed, open; and (c) when she accidentally dumps them- says she's had a hard day and leaves them there for me to clean (or sleep on) or brushes them onto the floor. It might help for you two to agree on expectations.

Now sure, my wife has challenges in her life - and has overcome a lot of them. But, I couldn't help noticing that I spent 5 years taking the kids to school because she 'couldn't get up' and that, miraculously, when I mentioned that the school would contact CPS and fine us if the kids didn't show up, they've been getting to public school just fine.

...now...your case isn't so clear. And your husband may be difficult and a bit sexist. Or you might be suffering from depression. It would be a good idea to set up a regular schedule and get out of the house - or you probably will end up depressed.

But, it might be possible that you actually just were being lazy. Small spaces are hard though. One or two days of business/slacking off and they go to pot.

...it also sounds like you resent not having a life. And feel hurt over him not speaking up. I get the feeling that you two agree on expectations (mostly), but that the expectations you're agreeing to leave you feeling worthless and unhappy. This is normal and perfectly reasonable.*

...but it also sounds like your husband resents you quitting your last job and then sitting around the house doing nothing. (by those standards, he's been reasonably kind so far) And that's reasonable. Imagine the reactions here if you were complaining that your husband had just quit his job because it was more work than he expected and was now staying home and leaving you to do the housework. Perfectly normal people will feel upset when witnessing that sort of behavior. Getting angry may be healthier than ignoring you while you sink into misery. (Imagine waking up after 5 months of depression to realize that your husband had left you in bed long enough for your teeth to rot...probably worse...oops.)

...it is also not productive, but pretty normal, for people to have trouble speaking up and holding it in and exploding - or to deal poorly with depressed people. Eh. It also sounds like he is somewhat harder working than you - and that this results in resentment. At some point, you should figure out how hard you're willing to work - the answer may be different from his expectations.

...he may also be being overly kind and not discussing a real concern. My experience is that self-disciplined people can start up successful careers in, eg, design. Less disciplined people simply sit around and become steadily less employable. From your descriptions of your behavior, you are currently in box #2. One of my friends screamed and and lectured his wife until she got a job. She's much happier now - and lost a fair bit of weight now that she does something besides watch movies all day. He would probably be much more sympathetic if you worked 16 hours a day starting a design career and hired some help with your wages.

...it is healthy to vent after someone's shown anger. It may not be wise to extrapolate a single argument to encompass your entire relationship. It might be wiser to try discussing and negotiating changes in your living situation that will result in you feeling less miserable.

...if you are serious about starting that career...it might help to sit down, research, and come up with a written plan and a written schedule (collaborate with your husband if you need help) - and make sure the plan is something you both can live with. Then, if you more or less stick to the plan - modify the parts that aren't working and proceed.

...but...if you end up not getting anything done - you're probably better off getting a job somewhere where the schedule forces you to accomplish something.

Longer-term, some people simply aren't cut out to stay at home. There's no shame in this. You are probably one of these people - and would probably be better off in a more structured environment. So then, the question becomes - how to get yourself into a structured environment? And that might be something you should talk over and plan out with your husband.

--Argyle
*But, be careful. The grass is not always greener - happiness mostly comes from inside. Or, to put it another way, a friend's wife rejoined the workforce after years of messiness and complaining. She hated it and talked about quitting. My friend discussed her prior performance; told her she'd blown a golden opportunity; and explained that she should keep on working because she'd be unemployed and divorced otherwise. Now, she still complains, but they have more money.


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## tennisstar

Why haven't you cleaned for 4 days? If i didn't work, i would think it would be reasonable for my husband to expect a clean house. Heck, i work 50 hours a week plus commute and still clean my house myself. Why should he have to work and clean when you're at home?

If you're depressed or simply don't want to stay home, then it is probably best for you to get another job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Dalicias said:


> Might I add, sometimes it is difficult for me to keep a 450 (roughly) square foot two bedroom apartment with two kids clean most days.


Surely your apartment is not 450 sq ft. That's tiny. Part of your problem keeping it clean might be that there are too many people in that small a space.

There is a good website that might help you learn how to run an efficient, clean home with little effort. FlyLady.net


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## EleGirl

Dalicias said:


> I still suffer from depression, but have learnt how to manage it rather than cover it up with drugs, and I believe I am a good wife - but I hate feeling like I am a nobody who's job it is is to clean up after everyone and isn't supposed to have a life of her own. I used to be really bubbly, fun and sociable. I never get to leave the house really...
> 
> So I am frustrated. I hate when people say I am lazy. To have my husband say it is even worse.


Taking anti-depressants is not covering up depression with drugs. If you had low thyroid you would take thyroid medication. If you arthritis you would take medication to keep flair ups from happening. 

Depression is caused by the brain not producing and up taking brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin the why it needs to keep you feeling well. Anti-depressants help your brain get/use what it needs.

Laying around for 4 days and letting everything fall apart around you is a sign of depression.

You do not seem to enjoy being a SAHM. So go get a job. It would probably help you deal with your depression too.


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## bunny23

I have to say I love all the H chiming in.. 

Funny I worked 80+ hours a week, had a serious medical condition.. cooked, cleaned, laundry, took care of finances...

Statistically women are doing MORE even when working (in fact it gets WORSE for women when married but better for men) I doubt the OP's situation would change if she got a full-time job. She would just have to clean after work, like most of us do.

If someone called me lazy after I spent (as OP quoted) years doing 90% of the work.. well I'd say I'm taking my 40% off now...

Get cleaning baby.


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## MyHappyPlace

EleGirl said:


> There is a good website that might help you learn how to run an efficient, clean home with little effort. FlyLady.net


Wow, this thread was like a wake up slap in the face! My H and I also just got in a HUGE fight a few days ago where the cleanliness of our living space was brought into question and the word divorce was freely thrown around. I love being a SAHM for the kids, but I'm not much a housekeeper and my level of caring wavers with my depression. It is also largely affected by his reaction. If I bust my butt cleaning and he doesn't even give any indication that he has noticed or appreciates it, I'm not likely to work so hard at it the next time.

Thanks for the link Ele. Though I'm not in a position to really implement it at the moment, I bookmarked it and have every intention of living by it like a SAHM bible. :smthumbup:


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