# Need tips on how to stop being resentful with a LD spouse



## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

In my other post it I told you that my husband has LD/ ED trying to get him help. He's going to get his blood test in the next couple of weeks to check his levels- even if they come back low my husband will not take testosterone. Looking into something natural.

How do you deal with your spouse that has LD? Do you still ask for sex or just deal with it? I feel strange always the one to bring it up and I can tell my husband is not interested but will do it because he feels obligated. It's not fun and hurts me inside. I miss the times that he was after me and interested and looked forward to sex. 

Last night he knew I wanted to have sex it's been a week, I brought it up he looked like it was another chore to do. He fell asleep on the couch then we watched tv together and then he asked me what time should He should take his pill ( Viagra)
Later I got him going and then we had sex he came in 1 min. He then took care of me. I didn't mind because last week he couldn't come after 30 min and gave up. It did seem to bother him that he only lasted a minute.

What bothers me is he is not excited to have sex. 

Emotionally how do you deal with it? This might never change even though I'm hoping it will. I get resentful and what to stop dwelling on this. If I don't bring up sex it will not happen and he probably would be happy!

Any tips would be great!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Divorce?

I'm not being glib I'm serious. This won't change because your husband is quite comfortable with the way things are. Unless he takes his lack of passion as a serious problem NOTHING will ever change.

So you can continue to build resentment, continue to feel rotten and unloved, continue to fight with yourself about needing to feel loved, desired and wanted and it can go on for years and years and years.

Show your husband the door and that will make him decide what is more important, your love or his comfort zone.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Too bad there isn't a woman's version of Dr Robert Glover's book "No more mr nice guy".

Here's an excerpt from a chapter of the book titled "Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex"



> Take everything written about Nice Guys in this book — their shame, their sacrifice of self, their approval seeking, their doing the opposite of what works, their indirectness, their caretaking, their covert contracts, their controlling behavior, their fear, their dishonesty, their difficulty receiving, their dysfunctional relationships, their loss of masculine energy. Now put them all in a great big container, shake them up, open the lid, look inside, and you'll have a pretty good view of how Nice Guys do sex.
> 
> For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. I believe it is safe to say that every Nice Guy with whom I have ever worked has had some significant problem with sex. These problems are manifested in many ways, but the most common are:
> 
> ...


You can read/download the rest of the book *here*. Maybe it will offer some insights into your husband's psyche.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> If things were the other way around and you were the man with a lot of desire with a wife that had little or no desire, you would most likely turn to a strict regiment of porn and masturbation so that you could finally see clearly to focus on the other nonsexual problems in your relationship in order to fix those. Then after getting to the bottom of things only to find out from your wife that your strict regiment of porn and masturbation are the source of all your problems, you are now back to square one. BUT, after going through that she sees you willing to stop porn and masturbation, things finally start to improve and turn around for the better.
> 
> That is pretty much the routine most men go through when they are in your situation!



Most of these women with LD men are told they must understand that he's probably got low T and it's not his fault so she should drag him to the doctor. If that doesn't work she should understand because he probably feels bad enough about not being able to get it up.

Or if she's got a bum who does nothing around the house but demands sex, she's told that she should be having sex with him because men require sex so before she can ask him to be a full partner he must get his sex needs met because otherwise he'll be irritable and cranky.

See? We can all spin things both ways but it's not helpful. The fact is that men and women are different in the things that drive them.

In the end they simply may not be compatible.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Most of these women with LD men are told they must understand that he's probably got low T and it's not his fault so she should drag him to the doctor. If that doesn't work she should understand because he probably feels bad enough about not being able to get it up.


Yet if she gets tried of bring up the rear and runs into someone who desires her and doesn't feel like making love to her is a chore, she's 100% responsible for hurting her poor husband.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Sad that ppl would suggest divorce bc even though he's "trying" the purple pill isn't working. Guess that's the society we live in!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Yet if she gets tried of bring up the rear and runs into someone who desires her and doesn't feel like making love to her is a chore, she's 100% responsible for hurting her poor husband.


Too true - a woman with an LD husband has no chance. We can't expect him to make the effort, even though LD women are constantly being told to "just do it". To the OP, I'm afraid that avoiding becoming resentful is practically impossible. Your needs within the relationship are not being met and you have very little prospect of changing this situation. I was full of hope when I got married just over two years ago, then the sex became very infrequent (no sex on our honeymoon). We haven't had sex for almost 6 months now and if I had known my marriage would be like this, I would never have married him. I would never have put myself in a position where a man could force celibacy on me - it is heart breaking. However, if I were to have an affair, society would judge me for that. The lack of sex doesn't get any easier as time goes on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Sad that ppl would suggest divorce bc even though he's "trying" the purple pill isn't working. Guess that's the society we live in!


Yet men here are told all the time to divorce over lack of a sex life. Can I assume that bothers you as well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

So, so sorry you are dealing with this. With effort from him it really can be so different. For me 'the okay we'll do something tonight' then ignoring it, , falling asleep etc infuriated me but he would always come back so sorry and want to help me and just couldn't see what he was doing until it got fixed. Now the chase is on again and I may have to get some supplements to help me keep up. So I reaaly do know it can be so much better.

He needs to put in effort but if he does put in effort realize just how much effort it really is for him and show patience. And you have to find other things to keep you busy while not shutting yourself off. I know that's easier said than done.

The blood test should help you know what you are dealing with. How is his A1C does he have decent control of his BS levels? If not that could make him tired too.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm having a measure of success with the 180. However I so think it's true that you need to be willing to leave the marriage for this to work. 

After a period of time you will likely discover you no longer want to have sex with your dh and am not attracted to him. I think men and women both go through this after a certain period of time, hurtful rejection and not feeling like a priority. 

I got to a point one day when I couldn't stop crying and told my dh that I had spent the past three months wishing I was having an affair. One of my friends was caught having a purely sexual affair (off ****** *******) and I noted that everyone was like - omg, isn't she horrible!? But my honest reaction was jealousy of her. My exact thoughts were - why does she get to have all the fun? 

I told dh all this on the day I couldn't stop crying. I also got a personal trainer, started dressing better, started getting my nails done, found some activities to be involved in, started accepting more invitations with people. 

It's changed my situation somewhat. I don't think it will ever be 100% what I need but I acknowledge that he is making a sustained effort to have a sexual relationship with me and is playing an active part in planning sex and initiating sex and trying harder. 

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what happens when you decide to stay with your LD spouse. You can't have it the way you would like it. Neither can they have it the way they would like it. It's a consensus and having your needs met somewhat does shrink the size of the problem to a more manageable state.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

doobie said:


> Your needs within the relationship are not being met and you have very little prospect of changing this situation.


You've basically have three choices my girl, put up with it, divorce his azz, or find someone who thinks you're the cat's pajamas. (whether you divorce him or not) Many man without desire for their wives don't ask a lot of questions when the woman stops expressing concern about their sexless marriage. Some are glad the pressure is off.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Sad that ppl would suggest divorce bc even though he's "trying" the purple pill isn't working. Guess that's the society we live in!


But that doesn't address the underlying problem of him having no desire to please his wife sexually. She shouldn't have to beg, neither should a husband in the reverse situation. If he has ED then it's a problem but there are many many other ways of sharing intimacy and pleasing your partner.

It's funny how many LD people of both sexes don't find out that they are LD until after they are married. Either they lied their way through the engagement and their vows or there is some link between LD and the ring finger.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Find a really good sex therapist. 6 months of their help is a lot cheaper than two divorce attorney and court costs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a book that I might help you get some perspective. We seldom hear about men not wanting sex with their wives. But it's a common for men to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as it is for women to do this. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. That's a huge percentage when you think of it. 


Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Kindle Store


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a book that I might help you get some perspective. We seldom hear about men not wanting sex with their wives. But it's a common for men to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as it is for women to do this. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. That's a huge percentage when you think of it.
> 
> 
> Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Kindle Store



I would be interested to know what %age of that 20% is mutual vs one or the other spouse just saying "no".


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Too bad there isn't a woman's version of Dr Robert Glover's book "No more mr nice guy".
> 
> Here's an excerpt from a chapter of the book titled "Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex"
> 
> ...


Those arent really nice guys. Just guys with major issues that hide behind nice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> Those arent really nice guys. Just guys with major issues that hide behind nice.


It's the difference between the "Nice Guy" label and guys are truly are nice people. 

The "Nice Guy" label is really about passive aggressive guys.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I really don't think it's possible to stave off resentment over the long term. This is because:

1. The only way to really stave off your own resentment from the lack of sex is to detach somewhat from him and do your own thing in an attempt to fill the "hole".

2. Your husband seems like the selfish type (as evidenced by ignoring your intimate needs). So, your unhappiness over the lack of sex does not phase him. But, presumably you being happy away from him, being around less, maybe having other guys notice you most likely will bother him.

3. So now he perceives an issue which is attributed to you. He is not self-aware enough to see he is the root cause of this issue or will find a way to justify his behavior. And his treatment of you is not even worse, and you have more cause for resentment.

You really need to demand (and see improvement regarding) better sex or cut your losses soon since you are not able to just deal with it. I am not finding fault with you - I was also unable to cheerfully tolerate terrible sex from my ex also.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Because we men are wired to go out and spread as many 'wild oats' as possible to ensure the continuation of the species, I think its probably easier to 'fix' LD in a man than it is in a woman.

IMHO men go 'off' sex for two basic reasons; 1) medical issues 2) emotional/sexual issues

1 - low testosterone, which can be fixed. Diabetes that can be controlled etc
2 - bit more difficult this one because its emotional. A 'man' wants his 'woman' to connect with him sexually....to WANT to have sex with HIM, tell him in simple words that she desires him, tell him how much she loves his c*ck and take an interest in him etc.

If a man isn't getting that 'feeling' that his woman wants, desires him them he will slowly lose interest. A man will only 'take' pity sex for so long before he will start resenting it/her and back off losing interest.

I know thats what happened to me....maybe the OP's husband is the same?

My wife has never given me any form of a BJ yet she knows how much it would mean to me.
I had a prostate problem a couple of years ago (I am in the prime prostate cancer age range) yet she showed no interest or concern when I got the results (fortunately negative, just an infection), is not interested in sex and is not interested in my desires etc.

Its got to the point that I don't even like her breaking my personal 'body space'. Thats what rejection and complacency does for you.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

askari said:


> Because we men are wired to go out and spread as many 'wild oats' as possible to ensure the continuation of the species, I think its probably easier to 'fix' LD in a man than it is in a woman.
> 
> IMHO men go 'off' sex for two basic reasons; 1) medical issues 2) emotional/sexual issues
> 
> ...



I hear you. I had wrist surgery last week, I didn't even want my wife there. I didn't tell her where it was going to be, I had my brother take me.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Flyer - totally with you bro.

For you to have surgery on your wrist you must have had a serious enough problem.....did your wife know you had a problem?

Even if she didn't notice it, it will still be your fault for not telling her!

'Darling...the reason I've thrown half my shoes away is because I had my right leg amputated three months ago'.....
Paaaafffff....as wife explodes 'Why didnt you tell me?'....
'Because you are so wrapped up in your own ailments'
'No I'm not'.....

Bit like my wife turning to me at a dinner party and asking if I was circumcised.... (one of the guests mentioned that her 8yr old was having to be done for medical reasons).....


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

It's not the LD that bothers you so much. It is the lack of passion behind what he is doing that hurts the most.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm having a measure of success with the 180. However I so think it's true that you need to be willing to leave the marriage for this to work.
> 
> After a period of time you will likely discover you no longer want to have sex with your dh and am not attracted to him. I think men and women both go through this after a certain period of time, hurtful rejection and not feeling like a priority.
> 
> ...



Why do you keep selling yourself short? 

Why do you insist on minimizing your needs just to keep harmony?

MissScarlett I so wish I could have a "talk" with your H!


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

askari said:


> Flyer - totally with you bro.
> 
> For you to have surgery on your wrist you must have had a serious enough problem.....did your wife know you had a problem?
> 
> ...



sent you a PM


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Sad that ppl would suggest divorce bc even though he's "trying" the purple pill isn't working. Guess that's the society we live in!


But he is not trying. He has already stated if his T is low he won't take replacement. His lack of passion and approaching sex as if it is a chore is hurtful, as in actively hurtful.

You simply can't guilt a self centered spouse into being caring toward you. They have to come to that decision on their own, otherwise they are simply following a recipe to get you off their back. It feels insincere and disingenuous, just as hurtful!

The only way to get a self centered spouse to be more caring and understanding is by walking away. At that point they have to decide which will be most painful for them. Divorce, or self awareness?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Why do you keep selling yourself short?
> 
> Why do you insist on minimizing your needs just to keep harmony?
> 
> MissScarlett I so wish I could have a "talk" with your H!


Sorry, I'm on my phone and not computer so it's harder to respond.

Can you elaborate? 

This conversation happened in October. I also laid down the law at that point and said no more sex unless I'm getting an orgasm - that can be by you or by me but I'm done with this other stuff. I've lost track of the counts but he's still at less than 10. Most he starts and I finish. To be honest. 

However, I'm kind of at a loss at what else I can do aside from filing for divorce. This is a subject I spent much of the last year thinking about. There have been times I've been ready to walk. 

However right now I do not want to. Everything else is going well and I'm getting fairer sex than I have. However I accept he's not going to be sexually curious with me, there are some things I cant have if I stay with him. I do think sexually I am evolving. I'm getting a lot more *****y about it. When I came to this board I honestly thought my body was broken and that I was incapable of having an orgasm with a partner. 

I now see that wasn't the case, it's our chemistry that is broken. 

I am LOL about typing on my phone and feeling it's too hard and then starting to write a book.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Sorry, I'm on my phone and not computer so it's harder to respond.
> 
> Can you elaborate?
> 
> ...


I hear Ya what a PITA typing all of that on a phone must have been. Just goes to show how much this is affecting you.

Why do you feel having sex with a man who shows such minimal interest in your pleasure is EVER an okay thing to do? Ever?

The only way you can have sex with this man is by telling yourself that this sex will be good for your marriage, it will be good for him, you'll find a way to get your pleasure. It feels good that he wants to have sex at all. Because if he doesn't care about my pleasure, how can he possibly truly care about me? Am I just a convenience to him? Are there other men who might take enormous pleasure in ensuring my pleasure? (And there are! There are a lot of men who take great pleasure if giving their woman orgasm after orgasm) 

For some reason you don't think you deserve that because either you're not important or you've been taught that sex isn't that important. In the grand scheme of things, sex isn't that important.

But it is that important. Sex, lust, eroticism, pleasure...it's what makes all the sh!t in life bearable. It is vital.

Your H is a lazy man who is indifferent to your charms. Screw him! Start packing your bags and tell him flat out, he sucks in bed and you're not going to waste the rest of your life with a man who doesn't give a sh!t about his wife's pleasure!


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

Thanks for all the help everyone.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I honestly don't know how you can't be resentful. Especially knowing that a fulfilling sexual life is out there somewhere. I would think resentful is a very natural emotion. If you decide to stay maybe just accept and concentrate on the fullfiling things?


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I honestly don't know how you can't be resentful. Especially knowing that a fulfilling sexual life is out there somewhere. I would think resentful is a very natural emotion. If you decide to stay maybe just accept and concentrate on the fullfiling things?


Being married to an LD wife, this is what I ended up doing and found contentment. I think the big difference, at least for me is if you can feel that they love you or not. She will rarely turn me down, but could read a book at the same time, but she isn't being malicious towards me and I have to constantly remind myself of that. Being truly LD and not just labeling yourself that as another excuse, is not a voluntary action, it's an imbalance somewhere, maybe her dead thyroid or something else, who knows? There's never been a gun to my head to stay, my love for her was worth adapting to, but it wasn't easy and I did fight with a lot of resentments.
I agree with others in that he probably won't change, so you'll have a decision to make.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

*How do you deal with your spouse that has LD? Do you still ask for sex or just deal with it? I feel strange always the one to bring it up and I can tell my husband is not interested but will do it because he feels obligated. It's not fun and hurts me inside. I miss the times that he was after me and interested and looked forward to sex.

Last night he knew I wanted to have sex it's been a week, I brought it up he looked like it was another chore to do. He fell asleep on the couch then we watched tv together and then he asked me what time should He should take his pill ( Viagra)
Later I got him going and then we had sex he came in 1 min. He then took care of me. I didn't mind because last week he couldn't come after 30 min and gave up. It did seem to bother him that he only lasted a minute.

What bothers me is he is not excited to have sex*. 

While dealing with LD can be painful, confusing and possibly unsolvable, thankfully, my wife did not give up on me with this issue (such as others here, suggesting divorce) and we now enjoy exciting and vigorous sexcapades. I dont know all your background, frustrations or time spent with this issue but the statement you make above is a mirror of our previous situation. I would like to post my experience as only one possibility and suggestion to consider.

Now, many folks here would suggest that you focus on first strengthening other aspects of your relationship such as communication of feelings, mutual interests and respect for each other, I agree. It is always best to make sure these things are built into the foundation of your marriage. However, it did not work that way for us. In essence we (my wife) repaired the sex first only to realize that two f**king rabbits still did not have a loving marriage. The great thing though is that the raucous sex bond provides fuel and fire as we now work on the rest of us. So, I declare that things can be repaired using great sex as the vehicle.

As far as your husband's issues, here's how it was for me. *THE BEGINNING:* A decade of duty sex, very vanilla, me on top and wife with never an orgasm (I didnt know that, she related that way later in marriage). *THE MIDDLE:* The second decade consisted of growing separation physically and emotionally....we raised the kids! I masturbated regularly with magazines and videos to help but this was never an addiction...maybe once a week. *THE REFORMATION:* During the last decade, my wife orchestrated an awakening, starting with herself. She found her sexual libido and it was (is) a monster; she turned to me to fuel the furnace. Now aging and out of shape, I watched tv and avoided sex for fear of non performance. I would cum in 1 minute or not after 30 minutes. Erections were difficult to get, unlikely to remain and I anguished over the thought of sex and my lack of virility. The thought of initiating this pain was frightful to my ego. (_This is where my wife would say..."why the f**k didnt you do something about it. But that is a whole other very very long post)_. If I had a growing erection, she would touch it to encourage it but it would go away. She would harrumph in disgust, and insult then get out of bed pissed and go read a book. She insisted I had LD, go see a doctor, get testosterone and get fixed. My lack of confidence snowballed, our marriage was on the outs.

Somehow, through her persistence, games, toys and masturbating herself and then with me helping, slowly the focus was off of my penis and my erection. She was able to orgasm many other ways, with or without me. I became very excited at seeing her let go, go wild, moan and wiggle. I was able to be a man and please her with methods other than my penis. When my penis didnt work, she said no problem, you are my man and you can please me like this.....! Eventually, my penis got jealous and wanted in on the action. I / we found out that what stimulates me most is when she is (visually, audibly) excited; you know, dirty talk and role play. Through her confidence in me and overt promiscuous behavior around me, I now do the same to her and erections are no problem any night (or day) of the week.

So, my guess is that there are a lot of silent vibes in your husbands head anywhere near the bed and his ego to perform has a stranglehold stopping him from initiating. if you havnt already, crack the mold, do things differently, take the focus off of his penis, play a game or just bring out a toy and ask him to use it in/on you while you put your arms around him. Be patient and show him exactly how to please you manually and with toys. Thank him, tell him you love him and would love to please him too.......because he has a wonderful c*ck!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

thumbper said:


> This is where my wife would say..."why the f**k didnt you do something about it. But that is a whole other very very long post.



Ummmm I was more tactful than that...usually.



> because he has a wonderful c*ck


Yes he does! 

:smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Two men on this thread have suggested to Safari girl that the problem with her husband's LD is her. That it's because of vanilla sex on her part and/or her not being passionate enough about sex with him.


While this might be the situation in their marriages, I do not get the impression that this is the case for Safari girl. 

I would like to hear more from Safari girl about her take on these post as they relate to her marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He has type 1 diabetes and one of the symptoms is tiredness... why are you resentful? He has a medical condition. You should help him, instead of nagging him all the time about sex. This is life. Accept it or leave. If you can't leave, for whatever reason, make the most of it.

My wife has a medical condition - and it could be fixed - but she doesn't want to. She has her reasons. I have been resentful about this and posted my own thread, which was very useful and made me understand a lot. I'm not happy, but I've accepted that my wife will never change and I either live with it or go. You obviously are not at that stage yet. Maybe you'll get there. But there is no point in wasting your energy being resentful. Be nice to him and help him. He might come around to it, or not. If he doesn't, you know what to do...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The question at hand is what will he do about it?

The LD one often has all the power in the relationship, because they dole out sex if, and when, they see fit. 

So... he needs to call the ball. There's lots of natural stuff he can do to up his desire. I don't have diabetes, but I know how to moderate (up or down) my physical desire for sex to a large extent behaviourally, with diet, with exercise... There's a lot that can be done. Or medically, if it comes to that.

But he needs to make the call. Is he in or out?

You need to present it to him in a way that the current place in your marriage is clearly unreasonable for you to stay in. He can change, or he can free you up to go find someone else to share your sexuality with you.

It can't stay where it is. And, he's pretty comfortable where it is.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Safari girl said:


> In my other post it I told you that my husband has LD/ ED trying to get him help. He's going to get his blood test in the next couple of weeks to check his levels- even if they come back low my husband will not take testosterone. Looking into something natural.
> 
> How do you deal with your spouse that has LD? Do you still ask for sex or just deal with it? I feel strange always the one to bring it up and I can tell my husband is not interested but will do it because he feels obligated. It's not fun and hurts me inside. I miss the times that he was after me and interested and looked forward to sex.
> 
> ...



I am sorry you are going through this tough time <hugs>

I have a solution. There are sexual aids known as sleeves. Your hubby could buy one or more at amazon and you decide which color and length you'd like.

He places this sleeve over his member, it has suction so it won't fall off and there you go. I've read stories of couples who are going through similar situations. Here are examples.

http://www.amazon.com/Tommy-Power-S...TF8&qid=1423503680&sr=1-1&keywords=tommy+gunn

My wifee has been LD since we got married over 15 years ago. We have fought, ignored each other, were going to divorce within the first year of our marriage, you name it. My solution was simple. When she isn't in the mood for one week or more at a time, I relieve myself. I don't like to do this, but there is nothing else I can do. I'm not going out and having a friend with benefits Physical Affair, so I bought myself a male masturbator of an adult star and it works fantastic. I don't use it often but one week or more of no sex, I will use it every time.

If I don't bring up sex with my wifee or initiate, our sex life is once a week or less. If I initiate, she still sometimes sees it as a chore, sighs, and just wants to get it over with, but we have sex 2 - 3x a week then.

Sexual mismatch is very common.

I took the 5 love languages quiz and found out I am Physical rating 12. My wifee took the quiz and we found out she is Acts of Service 12. That's makes sense for us because she's worked in the service sector her entire life. I love any physical attention, like passionate tongue kisses, hugs, holding hands, massages, cuddling, lots of adventurous sex, you get the idea. We understand each other much better now.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

How do I deal with this emotionally? Not very well. After one week of no sex, I am getting moody, combative, argumentative, and distant, I don't talk to her much and I do my own thing. She then clues in and has insane sex with me that day. I wish she wasn't like that and that there was a drug or cure for being LD. She admitted to me her weight and how she was treated has made her extremely insecure her entire life. So she finally took my advice and now goes to the gym, lost 50 lbs, braces for her teeth, which are straight now, new hair style, new glasses, lots of new clothes and shoes. This has allowed her to become more sexual. Walk around naked with me there, I bought her a small vibrator, her first, and she uses it, lets me massages her feet now, gave me a foot job, lets me give her oral, lets me massage her and give her passionate tongue kisses. These are all positive changes since she is still transforming.

Low test in guys isn't common but it does happen. Going to the family doctor and getting regular test shot injections will work because I know a former co-worker who went through the same thing. We chatted and I learned. After he was getting the injections, he started weight training, wanted sex and often and his wifee was very happy. He is married, 2 kids and in his 40's.

Something else. Your hubby shouldn't be asking you when he is to take his viagra. He is to be the man and take the initiative and lead. He should just tell you, I took my viagra and starts having sex with you.

Hope everything works out for you both.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Safari girl said:


> ....How do you deal with your spouse that has LD? Do you still ask for sex or just deal with it? I feel strange always the one to bring it up and I can tell my husband is not interested but will do it because he feels obligated. It's not fun and hurts me inside.
> 
> ...What bothers me is he is not excited to have sex.
> 
> ...


I really like how David Schnarch explains how every aspect of every relationship has an LD and HD component. I think I have shared with you the concept. If I haven't, one partner may be HD for chocolate ice cream and the other prefers vanilla. Neither is wrong or needs to be fixed, as there is no "right" amount of chocolate ice cream consumption. The same is true for sex.

What does need to happen in a marriage, is that the two people need to stretch and grow together in areas where one has a higher desire than the other. It does not make either of them wrong, it just means that they need to find a balance in their relationship where both sets of needs are met or they need to work on growing in ways so that a compromise that is mutually satisfying can be arrived at.

*So Safari girl, what are you doing to grow/stretch yourself so you can find compromise with your husbands lower desire? 

.....or do you feel he is broken and needs to be fixed?*

You have talked him into seeing a doctor, which could result in his making changes in his life. It is good for a spouse to concerned about the health of their mate. 

The Gottmans in their program stress that before you ask a partner to change in a way that meets your needs, you need to understand their position and reasons better than they do. Only then can you hope to be able to negotiate the change you desire or find compromises.

So have you completely understood why he is more LD than you are? Maybe you should ask and really listen to him. 

When I was the HD in a sex starved marriage. The Sex Therapist asked me how much sex per week would make me satisfied. I thought about it for a week and told her and my wife three times a week with hugging on other days during the week. The therapist then asked me why not 3 times a day and really pushed me to see if I was serious about 3 times a week. I was and had reasons. 

The sex therapist then asked my wife if she thought we would divorce if I didn't get the sex I needed. My wife after try to avoid the discussion for a long time, ultimately said yes. The therapist asked if I had thought of divorce. I said yes and that I was planning to do that within the year unless I was in a loving relationship with my wife. 

The therapist then asked my if she had every been able to have sex with me three times a week. My wife said yes. The therapist then said that she was then capable of saving the marriage or letting the marriage fail. It was all up to my wife and the consequences would be totally hers.

Later after my wife started to have sex with me again, the therapist negotiated the frequency to twice a week. Another thing that bothered me, as it seem to bother you was that once a week my wife had some desire and once a week she offered me the gift of her body. The sex therapist helped me understand what a loving and emotionally giving thing it was for my wife to love me so much that she wanted to meet my needs. Ultimately I learned how to enjoy her gift of sex when she wasn't all that interested. Ultimately, she learned how to enjoy brining the man she loved to orgam while she held him. We both grew and stretched and found a meaningful compromise. 

I can understand you not being thrilled about having sex with a non-enthusastic mate, but give it time and try to see the beauty and love behind what is happening. It is about both of you growing and changing.

The point of this story is that marriage is about compromise. It is not about just getting what you want, it is about making sure you BOTH get what you need. 

My question for you are:

Do you really know what your husband needs and his boundaries?

Are you trying to find creative ways so that each of you gets your basic needs met even in non-traditional ways or do you expect him to change to meet all your current desires?

I can tell you from personally experience that sexual rejection hurts and makes it difficult to give emotional love and support to your partner, but before you can expect your spouse to change, you need to first change yourself and give them what they need to feel loved.

Good luck.


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

I try to spice it up, not a vanilla gal. He says the stupidest things to me in a joking matter like "your lucky I gave it to you" or "heartburn from Viagra is not worth a cum shot" he got SEVERE heartburn ONE time that he started to vomit and was hard for him to breath.

I told him he's so romantic when I hear this stuff- really makes me want him. He just shrugs it off. 

I do try to help him. I'm not selfish 
I'm hurt because I don't feel desired.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Safari girl said:


> I'm hurt because I don't feel desired.


Safari girl, maybe you're hunting the wrong game. I assure you you're desired. Just not maybe by him.


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

True. That is a big possibility.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Safari girl said:


> I try to spice it up, not a vanilla gal. He says the stupidest things to me in a joking matter like "your lucky I gave it to you" or "heartburn from Viagra is not worth a cum shot" he got SEVERE heartburn ONE time that he started to vomit and was hard for him to breath.
> 
> I told him he's so romantic when I hear this stuff- really makes me want him. He just shrugs it off.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My husband says STUPID things too, as "jokes." He doesn't realize how hurtful they are until I get upset. 

A similar thing happened to me. Went a week without sex and finally got some Sunday. Then I initiated last night. And he said, "Ugh. If you wanted to have sex, why didn't you ask earlier?" Mind you this was before 8pm...

Later on he knew it made me upset and tried to smooze me into having sex. But unlike you, I won't take duty sex anymore. Why would I want to have sex with someone who obviously does not desire to have sex with me? It just makes me mad. How could I possibly be in the mood after that? I told him no thanks. Now it's my period and I will go another week without sex. Yay me... 

I'm still resentful, but at least I have a little self pride about not accepting his crappy offer of pity sex. In fact, my shower head can perform 10x faster, it's 100% reliable, I can go for more than one round if I want, and I don't have to apologize for being too wet, or taking too long. Score!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My husband says STUPID things too, as "jokes." He doesn't realize how hurtful they are until I get upset.
> 
> ...


LOL! I know it isn't funny but the shower head comment got me! &#55357;&#56836;&#55357;&#56836;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> LOL! I know it isn't funny but the shower head comment got me! ������
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny, but true!


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

When he makes me feel bad I tell him that he's not a man and doesn't act like one. I will call him a name and try to hurt his self esteem because he hurts mine.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Safari girl said:


> When he makes me feel bad I tell him that he's not a man and doesn't act like one. I will call him a name and try to hurt his self esteem because he hurts mine.


well hows that working for ya?

I am sure he is feeling all messed up his willy isn't working as well as he would like and that usually fvcks with a mans mind pretty good.

If he comes in under a min sometimes then I'd say he desires you plenty. he probably is embarrassed about not lasting and satisfying you like a real man.......... isn't that what you tell him?
so hes avoiding sex 

seems like everybody ego is bruised here.

I would try a different approach. 

tell him you need sex x many time a week and on days he can't get it up his lounge will do fine or even a toy.

on days he blasts off too fast the again tounge or toy


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Chillymorn is right.

Name calling and purposely hurting each other does not have a place in a healthy marriage.


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

Nothing is working. He knows what I'm looking for and I'm not asking for sex several times a week. He's hurtful when he he acts like sex is a chore and not important to him and makes jokes.

Do you think I got one compliment from him since I lost a lot of weight? No! 

I do not say anything when he finished quick or can't get it up. What I do tell him that I'm annoyed at his lack of desire and acts like sex is not a big deal anymore and then he jokes about it. Sick of the excuses.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Maybe suggest (or insist) on some number of 20 or 30 minute long naked cuddle and make out sessions on a regular basis with no expectation of sex. The skin to skin contact has value and if there is no pressure he may respond after a while but that is his option.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Why would he refuse Testosterone even if he has low T?

Im a doctor, Ive taken it for 2 years with careful blood monitoring and health checks and estrogen suppression. 

Its worked GREAT....I also had premature osteoporosis that has responded to Vit D and Test therapy...better muscle mass, and Im so much more calm and controlled.

Test is like Vitamin sex...for men and women...if his is abnormally low you guys need to reconsider your dogmatic NO answer on this.

To me it seems crazy to refuse treatment when there is a marriage threatening problem here....

Personally I dont believe that when property administered and monitored there are any bad effects...but even if there were risks....they are low compared to the devastation of divorce.

Look into this issue again.

Good luck


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

You are preaching to the choir. No need to tell me, I'm in the same situation.

I'm just saying, being mean about it, isn't going to help.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> You are preaching to the choir. No need to tell me, I'm in the same situation.
> 
> I'm just saying, being mean about it, isn't going to help.


While I'm in total agreement with CW that being mean doesn't help, dealing with this type of resentment on a day in day out basis for months on end can be really difficult. Despite only having been married for 2 years, my LD husband and I have only had sex 5 times in the past year - we've only had sex a dozen times since we got married. This is not what I was expecting adn I'm bitterly disappointed, I'm now wishing that I hadn't married him. I'm never mean to him about it but have had the talk several times and made sure he knows just how important sex is to me. Despite this, nothing has improved. We finally had sex last week after a six month gap and it was crap. No foreplay, he just grabbed me and went straight for the money. I didn't have a chance to get turned on so I was really dry - nevertheless, he persisted and banged me (in an uncomfortable position), then took it out and came on my belly. I was left feeling sore for days and have now realised that I'd rather not have sex than have the sex that he's offering. We don't actually have sex often enough to develop a sexual style that would suit both of us. Yes, I resent this and it's had a severely detrimental effect on our relationship. I don't really have any tips on how not to feel resentful - resentment is natural under the circumstances. However, you could see yourself as the "bigger person" and not make mean comments - this will just make the relationship in general worse. It's difficult to adopt a Zen like attitude, especially when you come to the point that you realise that things are not going to get any better - it's all downhill from this point onwards. I do know that my best option is to divorce, but waiting until I get to that point financially where I'm able to save enough to rent my own space is going to take some time, especially as my H is not really earning much at present and all my income is going on paying the rent and the bills.


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## Safari girl (Jan 16, 2015)

I am so sorry your going through this. We have been married 20 years and sex has always been a issue. In the beginning we had sex a lot but it did dwindle after a few years. Months went by and no sex. I was so depressed. I told my mom ( this was along time ago) about how my husband is not that interested in sex and she told me it's because of my weight. 

I'm thin now and things pretty much are the same. We don't go for months at a time but weeks can go by. 

So sorry you are dealing with this. Your self esteem goes in the garbage and you feel like crap. I do get checked out by men now and that makes me feel good!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Safari girl said:


> I am so sorry your going through this. We have been married 20 years and sex has always been a issue. In the beginning we had sex a lot but it did dwindle after a few years. Months went by and no sex. I was so depressed. I told my mom ( this was along time ago) about how my husband is not that interested in sex and she told me it's because of my weight.
> 
> I'm thin now and things pretty much are the same. We don't go for months at a time but weeks can go by.
> 
> So sorry you are dealing with this. Your self esteem goes in the garbage and you feel like crap. I do get checked out by men now and that makes me feel good!


I also get checked out by men quite a bit which helps me to feel feminine and desirable. One guy in particular has been showing quite a bit of interest in me when we go out and my H tends to get quite irate about it, making nasty comments about the guy when we get home. This dog in the manger attitude is particularly hard to cope with. It just makes me think "well, you don't want me, why are you getting so offended that somebody else wants me?". To be quite honest, I've got to a stage where if my husband showed any interest in another woman, I would be congratulating her, saying "You go girl, he's finally showing an interest in sex". It would be a relief to me and, if he wanted to have sex with another woman, I would give my consent and wish them both luck with it.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

doobie said:


> I also get checked out by men quite a bit which helps me to feel feminine and desirable. One guy in particular has been showing quite a bit of interest in me when we go out and my H tends to get quite irate about it, making nasty comments about the guy when we get home. This dog in the manger attitude is particularly hard to cope with. It just makes me think "well, you don't want me, why are you getting so offended that somebody else wants me?".


Why don't you just come out and say that? Not in a joking or apologetic manner but straight to his face. If he doesn't deny it then you know exactly where you stand.



> To be quite honest, I've got to a stage where if my husband showed any interest in another woman, I would be congratulating her, saying "You go girl, he's finally showing an interest in sex". It would be a relief to me and, if he wanted to have sex with another woman, I would give my consent and wish them both luck with it.


That's exactly how I felt with my ex.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Need tips on how to stop being resentful with a LD spouse" 

If they are not making an effort than it will be extremely difficult to not be resentful. Personally I think that life is too short to waste.


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