# We have hit a wall!



## strong&weak (Mar 9, 2010)

Hello all! I am new to this site, and am hoping to get some great insight... here is a little background on my situation.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now, together for 5. We welcomed a daughter 2 1/2 years ago. About a year ago, I began feeling an emptiness in my relationship with my husband and had a funny feeling something was going on. I had been paying our phone bill online when I noticed a certain phone number my husband had been calling and texting all day long. And I mean all day, and it wasn't me. I knew immediately he must be cheating. I confronted him about, and he told me it was his ex-girlfriend, and that it was no big deal - they were just talking occasionally and very innocent. But as I had seen on the phone bills, this was no friendly once-in-awhile call. It was all day long some time hours long. I knew that he knew he had been caught and I left him and took our daughter and stayed with my folks for a few days. 

I am a very cautious person when it comes to giving my heart away, I had been so burned from men in the past - it took my husband awhile to convince me that he was different from every man. I had never imagined that he would do something this bad to hurt me. And never jeopardize our future or our daughter's. 

I finally agreed to talk to him. He explained to me that they had been talking for a few months and that he had lied. He said she was like a best friend to him, he said he felt comfortable telling her everything - and I thought, what am I chump change? I am your wife! He left out a few details that I found out later... at night, he used to go for a jog with the dog, and I found out she used to go with him at night. And that they kissed. Pretty much, completely emotionally cheating on me - which I think might be worse than physically cheating in some ways. 

At the time, we had lots of problems, but truth be told, I loved him and still do. I told him it would be awhile before I could forgive and trust him again, and at the time he agreed to stick with me no matter how long it took. But now it's a different story... I kept telling him I had forgiven him, but the truth be told I hadn't and a few months ago I told him that and told him that I was sorry, but I was confused and trying to sort out all of these issues internally. I told him that I would tell him when I finally was able to forgive him and the time has still not come. 

Ever since we drifted apart, when I first found out he was cheating, the intimacy, sexual chemistry, and overall communication boundaries have really been non-existent. He is not the easiest person to open up about his feelings, but it used to be easier. I have unfairly brought up this scandal during fights, always finding an excuse for why it's relevant to the current fight, but I have come to realize (about 4 months ago) that that is not the way to move on. I have really been trying to forgive and forget, but I have yet to tell him that I have forgiven him. I think a big reason, is because I want to have all the closeness back! I want to feel like I am the only woman in the world for him before I trust him completely again - does this seem fair? In fairness to him, he has been being very good about me trusting him. And trying to go out of his way. He has a few setbacks once in awhile, but he has been trying. 

It has been 13 months since he stopped having contact with her, but we are both getting burned out though. He wants me to set a time-table of when I will be completely over it. He thinks it would be good for my healing process. But I don't necessarily feel like I should force myself into thinking I have forgiven him, if I still don't feel like I have. When he hurt me, it was bad. And looking back, he always says he doesn't think it's as big of a deal as what I am making it to be. But we are talking about FULL BLOWN emotionally cheating for months and he never mentioned he was even talking to her one time to me. And they did kiss. I don't bring it up in fights anymore, because it's not fair. But he wants me to tell him something that I am just not sure about. I am really close to telling him I have forgiven him, but trusting him is a completely different issue. 

He is so burnt out waiting for me, and lately he's been fighting with me and getting angry with me, and saying he fears that I will take away our daughter and leave. I would not unless it was extreme circumstances, like before when I found out about all of this. And I think I was completely within my rights to take her away with me. She was not in any danger, but I was distraught and needed to be away from him and with her to keep me strong. It seems like the excuses are building. And instead of coming together in our hour of need, it's always "What do you want to do?" Instead of, "What should we do?". Honestly, we are both so exhausted, and don't know where to go from here. I want to move on and get over this hurdle, and the underlying issue that is preventing that. But I am not quite sure how. It seems like when we talk/fight it's always the other person's fault, and we are both always on the defense with each other. We have worked out a lot of issues, but there seems to be something we don't see or don't know how to fix. If we could afford couples therapy, we both agree we would do it, but we can't. I would love to hear your suggestions... good, bad, ugly... I love my husband very much, and I know he still loves me. He is a special man and I know I have some problems, as does he. Some days, I think we are gonna make it, and other days I feel like throwing in the towel before it gets too hard on our daughter as she gets older. I know the greatest gift we can give her is happy parents, but I don't know if that's being together or apart. 

Thanks so much!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm not saying to forget - or even to forgive.
But I'm saying 
be in or be out.

He seems to be straight up and with you. He's in.

Life is a risk. If you want him in your life you have to accept the risk - and free yourself of having to solve the problem everyday.

Take this opportunity to tell him what you want and need in order to rebuild. Then rebuild. Or you will lose something that does matter.

I'm 18+ months out. I still have reminders all the time. But I have learned to co-exist with THAT instead of just co-exist with my H with whom I now have a much better relationship.

Don't be stagnant anymore.
Either jump in or jump out - for EVERYONEs sake - especially yours.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Strong,

StillINshock has great advice - YOU have to make the decision to be in or out. 

It's been almost 5 months since I found out of my H's A. (that's when it ended as well) I chose to forive me H and rebuild our marriage - I didn't have to think on that one, I just knew I wanted my marriage. BUT when I agreed to do so, I knew that meant that I had to never hold that over his head and make a conscious effort to move past and move on. 

With that said, it doesn't stop the hurt, pain, anger - you know it all, you're dealing with it. But that's something I need to work through and am doing very well I think. Of course, I have my moments, days. As Still said, it seems like you H is IN but you're not. Which I can understand then why he's getting frustrated. I know what he did to you was very hurtful and wrong and selfish - that's a given. But he's here NOW and wanting to make your marriage work for you and for you daughter. You have to make the same effort - meaning you have to put some of those awful feelings behind you. 

Communication is key for both of you. You both need to be able to express and discuss what you are feeling without getting angry, upset, etc. BUT you also need to remember to discuss the feelings you're having about YOUR relationship with him - not he & the OW. At this point - it's no longer about her, it's about YOU. This is YOUR marriage, YOUR husband and YOUR relationship. You need to focus all your energy and feelings on that. 

If I think back and start with the "how could he..." etc. it's just bad and does me NO GOOD AT ALL. Truthfully, what's done is done. It was BAD, HORRIBLE and he was selfish. But it's over, he's sorry and he's here now. No point in living in the past. 

You can do this. You can get past this - it's not easy but so worth it. My H is out of town for training this week. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY and so do the kids (7 & 4). They keep saying all the time how much they miss Daddy. It makes me think what would have/could have happened if I told him to get out. UGH! He misses us terribly too. We talk several times a day/text too.

I just know for me, it's worth the work. My marriage is SO much better than it was before the A.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the reason you're not fully back in is because it is counterintuitive that he would lie for so long, and only admit to having kissed this ex-girlfriend. And is now pressuring you for a timeline?

Seems to me that he had sex with her. 

I would not agree to any timeline whatsoever.

However, agreeing to address things with a professional marriage counselor could be useful.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Timeline. Does he always get to make all of the decisions affecting both of you?

It takes as long as it takes and if he isn;t willing to do some of the heavy lifting and put into the recovery, then, as I told my husband, it is going to take a lot longer. It's up to him to help hasten recovery and it isn't by ultimatums.

Lyn


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## strong&weak (Mar 9, 2010)

First of all, thank you all for talking the time to reply. 

StillInShock, I think you have great advice and I think that it's been a big problem in my recovery. I can't decide whether or not I want to risk getting hurt again, but I love him and want him in my life, so if I am going to do that, I have to learn to trust him and commit 100%. 

Mommy2, that has been such a huge factor in our relationship. I was constantly coming up with excuses as to why his affair was relevant to our current fight, and about three months ago, I stopped bringing it up. We had a fight over something silly the other night, and he actually brought it up, and was frustrated with me for not trusting him still. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just I don't completely trust him yet. And I do think that is why he is frustrated and wants me to give him a "time-line" as to when I will stop dangling his affair over his head and not include it into every little bicker we have. I honestly don't think the timeline is such a terrible thing, because otherwise I will drag my feet and make him and I BOTH miserable, by not actively trying to rebuild. I have to make myself put those feelings behind me, and that's what he means by timeline. And quite frankly, I am tired of being sad and upset about it all the time. 

Michzz and Lyn, at one point that's exactly how I felt. I felt like he had all these secrets he had kept from me, and that I was still missing out on exactly what happened. Shortly after it happened, when I agreed to talk to him. He sat down and poured his heart out and told me I would not like what he was going to tell me, but that he thought I had a right to know. He went through everything from how they began talking, and came clean with me about how he kissed her. I honestly do believe him. I dwelled upon it for awhile, because I was worried that one day, after we got over this, he would tell me that he slept with her. But I finally decided, I couldn't focus on that or else I would make myself crazy. He was dishonest in the beginning, but I have chosen to try and move past that. And I did continue to ask him about it for months, and he swore to me he did not cross that line. I could dwell on it and choose not to believe him, but it felt like to me that in order to move forward in our relationship, I had to trust that he was telling me the truth. He begged me to stay, and I really wanted to stay. And I told him then, if you are not in love with me anymore or think you made a mistake marrying me, please tell me now. I would be hurt, but not as hurt as I would be if we move on from this and then 10 years down the road, he tells me he made a mistake. He swore up and down that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So with that said, I honestly believed he was invested in me. He had every opportunity to walk out and be with OW, she was willing, but he chose to stay with me, and not because it was easier, but because he wanted to. And for that I give him the benefit of the doubt, and don't think he physically crossed the line in that way. I could be wrong, but I don't think it's good for me to dwell on it if we are moving forward. 

And again, the timeline is more of a "When will you stop holding it above my head all the time, and bringing it up at irrelevant times?" Yes. He does get frustrated that I don't completely trust him, but it's because he feels like what else can he do. And what I keep telling him is to be patient with me. Getting frustrated at times because I still do not completely trust him is not fair to me, when he is the one who put me in this place. I have also held that above his head, and probably not fairly. I have had quite the pity party for myself, and that's why he wants me to have a timeline, so that I can jump on the bandwagon and actively TRY to get over this, if that's what I want to do. He does always tell me, that it is ultimately MY decision if I want to continue together... which is another thing that bothers me. I want to know that he wants to be with me, too. He used to reassure me that he did all the time, and he doesn't do it much anymore. I think partly it's because I would threaten to leave before, and that was not such a good idea. 

So I guess to clarify, the timeline he wants me to have is more for my own healing. Not a timeline, so we can forget about this. He wants me to initiate this recovery, instead of flip-flopping about what I want or think I need. And honestly, I haven't been consistent. Sure, I have my moments of weakness, and he is comforting when I do, but I turn the stupidest things into a fight about his affair. He has said the same thing as stillinshock, be in or be out. But if I am going to be in, I have to be 100%, and that's been detrimental to our relationship so far. I have probably only given about 50%, because I felt like he needed to carry me through this since it was all his fault, and now I think I need to take a big step and give it all I got if this is what I want, and it is. I can't expect him to give me 100% without giving him 100% back right???


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I think that yes, you are right.

Fear holds us back. We had a similar conversation, tonight, ourselves. 

Lyn


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

What he did was wrong, and it hurts I can relate to that. However, not to make things light for you. Your H did confessed, admitted the affair. When I read your post I couldn't help but to compare with my own situation. My H still denies everything even with the evidences piling up. He had cheated on me 3 times. After the first two I was actually got to forgive him, learned to trust him again, maybe never forget but I did forgive him but it was the lack of efforts to shows me I am 'the one' he really love that kills me inside. 

SIS had given you very good advices, I can't offer much right now but to listen to your heart and find the forgiveness from within, it's hard but it's possible. I'm sorry you have to go through this and I can only pray that you will make it through. Hang in there.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I recognized last night that I will never forget the affair, it's part of our life forever, something which can't be undone. I don;t think we get "over" it, but we will "get used to it" and it will have less power over our emotions as time goes on and positive steps are taken by the cheating spouse.

Lyn


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