# Thinking about someone else during



## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

Im married to a man whose first wife died five years ago. We recently celebrated our first anniversary. 
He has moved forward well. In the beginning if our relationship, I noticed sometimes that he was distant during sex. So I'd tell him to open his eyes, say my name, etc. it's what I needed to do to feel like he was thinking of me, not his late wife. 
I haven't had any issues like that in a couple years. But last night, I had that feeling again. 
When I realized how he was contorting my breasts, I realized he was trying to make them like hers.. 
(unfortunately, when I first met him there were nude photos of her in the house, and I know that our nipples are placed in very different spots.)

This bothers me. And it was compounded by me getting nothing out of the encounter. All ended when he was finished, and I hadn't even started yet 

It makes me wonder if he was so into her that he forgot about me. 

I feel like he doesn't even care about me. I didn't try to fake it. He has no illusions about my satisfaction. 

It's a really difficult subject to bring up, because I can't mention his late wife, especially as it related to sex. 
How do I handle this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

MonicaM said:


> Im married to a man whose first wife died five years ago. We recently celebrated our first anniversary.
> He has moved forward well. In the beginning if our relationship, I noticed sometimes that he was distant during sex. So I'd tell him to open his eyes, say my name, etc. it's what I needed to do to feel like he was thinking of me, not his late wife.
> I haven't had any issues like that in a couple years. But last night, I had that feeling again.
> When I realized how he was contorting my breasts, I realized he was trying to make them like hers..
> ...


I'm really sorry about your situation.

What I'd do is this.

I'd go into "no sex" mode for a few weeks but insist on having a 30 minute naked cuddle session. Tell him you want to try that for two weeks.

If he agrees, and hopefully he will, you just cuddle and snuggle, kiss, and stroke (but not stroking genitals) and just work on being present with each other.

After a few weeks of this, you both will be way more into each other than ever.

It will bond him to *you* rather than his fantasy woman. And he'll begin to see *you* for the first time.

The key is not for him to *want* to do this, the key is to get him to do this, even if he doesn't want to. Be patient. It has incredible results if you can just get him to agree.

He does NOT have to want to do it. But if you and he can cuddle naked for 30 minutes every day, it will create a striking difference and you will become a very happy woman.


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## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

Thank you Matt. That was a wonderfully insightful response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

MonicaM said:


> Thank you Matt. That was a wonderfully insightful response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are most welcome. Guys get too locked into sex and they miss the wonderful bonding experience that is really what love is about. And this bonding results in these wonderful brain chemicals that fill us with passion for our partner and make us want to please our partner.

This has gotten so lost today. Good luck! Let us know what he says and what happens.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MonicaM said:


> Im married to a man whose first wife died five years ago. We recently celebrated our first anniversary.
> He has moved forward well. In the beginning if our relationship, I noticed sometimes that he was distant during sex. So I'd tell him to open his eyes, say my name, etc. it's what I needed to do to feel like he was thinking of me, not his late wife.
> I haven't had any issues like that in a couple years. But last night, I had that feeling again.
> *When I realized how he was contorting my breasts, I realized he was trying to make them like hers.. *
> ...


While you do know your husband better than anyone here, I'd say that that is a very large assumption to make unless he's actually told you he's done that in the past.

If your husband is a breast man, then maybe that's just him being him. I'm a breast man, love em, and I like to play with them like a 5-year-old plays with play-doh. I think those things should be cloned somehow and made into stress balls. They are fantastic. Could it be simply that your husband got playing with them, a sort of titty hypnotizing? 

I should trademark that :lol:


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> While you do know your husband better than anyone here, I'd say that that is a very large assumption to make unless he's actually told you he's done that in the past.
> 
> If your husband is a breast man, then maybe that's just him being him. I'm a breast man, love em, and I like to play with them like a 5-year-old plays with play-doh. I think those things should be cloned somehow and made into stress balls. They are fantastic. Could it be simply that your husband got playing with them, a sort of titty hypnotizing?
> 
> I should trademark that :lol:


let's say what you are saying is true. Then the husband isn't really "present" during intercourse. He's somewhere else mentally. I don't see that as a strong desirable connection, do you?

I think that is more of the issue with the OP. I may be wrong but I am sure she senses this lack of connection and intimacy very clearly.


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## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

I think maybe we should try tantric sex for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

mattcook said:


> let's say what you are saying is true. Then the husband isn't really "present" during intercourse. He's somewhere else mentally. I don't see that as a strong desirable connection, do you?
> 
> I think that is more of the issue with the OP. I may be wrong but I am sure she senses this lack of connection and intimacy very clearly.


That's not at all what I'm saying.

I won't speak for her husband, just myself here, but I know that during sex I am VERY much there. Just because I love breasts and love to play with them does not at all imply that I forget for even an instance who they are attached to and belong too, and that the woman behind the breasts is what I am really interested in.

It's like watching a movie on TV. Just because a commercial might catch your interest doesn't mean that you aren't "present" for the movie.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Monica, I understand that his first wife passed away, but I don't understand why you can't mention his late wife at all. My first thought when I read the post was that he keeps his heart closed to that part of his life, and refuses to allow you in. That's not right. 
You should be able to tell him "Honey, I love you. Last night (or whenever it was) I felt [this way] and I haven't felt that way in a long time. Can we please have a talk about it?" He should be open to this. I would be concerned if he's not.


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## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

The reason I can't mention her is because he denies anything I think might be occupying his mind where she is concerned. 

The last time his mind was on her, he was excited about something on tv and called me into the room. When I got there, he pointed out "my" favorite music star. Only it wasn't mine, it was hers. Then something similar happened a week or so later. Both times, I told him that he had the wrong girl. He just got quiet. So I backed off from our relationship whole I worked through this. After a couple weeks, and talking to my therapist, I decided that sh*t happens and I returned to him. He said that he missed me. I told him how I was feeling about what happened and instead of reassuring me, he denied that what I thought was true. 
I argued, he relented. He apologized. We got through it. 
So now this. And I just don't know if I should mention it, since I know he will deny it, or if I should let it go for now, and if it happens again, stop the action and change the course of his mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Monica, if this bothers you so much, I honestly think you BOTH could benefit from seeing a therapist... not just you. Perhaps together as well? It's a tough, and very touchy subject. But, as long as this bothers you, it really should be addressed. I know you acknowledge that part of him will always love her. But right now, you are, it seems, wondering if he is carrying more love for her than for you. Until you work thru that, together, you won't be able to move forward.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MonicaM said:


> The reason I can't mention her is because he denies anything I think might be occupying his mind where she is concerned.
> 
> The last time his mind was on her, he was excited about something on tv and called me into the room. When I got there, he pointed out "my" favorite music star. Only it wasn't mine, it was hers. Then something similar happened a week or so later. Both times, I told him that he had the wrong girl. He just got quiet. So I backed off from our relationship whole I worked through this. After a couple weeks, and talking to my therapist, I decided that sh*t happens and I returned to him. He said that he missed me. I told him how I was feeling about what happened and instead of reassuring me, he denied that what I thought was true.
> I argued, he relented. He apologized. We got through it.
> ...


Me and my fiancee were married before. I was with my ex for 10 years, she with hers for 18.

Unlike your husband, we had the opportunity to slowly seperate from our ex's over several years. We also seperated from them, not had they taken from us. Additionally, we are left with a lot of bad memories of our ex's, something your husband likely isn't.

I'm saying all of that because what you mentioned happening happened to us repeatedly as well. You don't really say how long you have been together before marriage, but for us this happened occassionally for years.

My fiancee was putting a movie in to watch while I was down in the bedroom. Out of habit she yelled "Scott, are you coming to watch the movie?" Only, I'm not Scott. That's her ex. 

Things like this have happened a few times. We have now been together for almost seven years, and it's only the last few years that this hasn;t happened. I'm not saying it happened all the time, but would occur once every 3-6 months. I did it as well.

It was embarrassing, but at the same time a bit funny (after the first few times) because we know it was just a brain fart, and nothing else. Sometimes the mind has a mind of its own and it's hard to forget habits.

Since you say your husband hasn't done anything like this in a few years, and because you are really just guessing as to whether he was trying to shape your boobs like hers (which is what it sounds like, just a guess) then I'd say just let it go and see if there is a next time.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

I think you are being very presumptuous about things. He is just grabbing your breasts because he likes to do that maybe?
As for disconnected... maybe he is trying to think about baseball to last a little longer for you. You havent got warmed up yet because you are busy wondering if he is thinking of someone else.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Monica - I'm with kingsfan on this one.

Your husbands wife was snatched from him....they didnt fall out of love and separate. She was snatched.

One can learn to love again but you (he) will never - rightly - forget his first wife. You can't and won't ever replace her. You are a completely new entity in his life. 

I don't know how you can do it, maybe with therapy, but you must make him realise that it is OK for him to remember his first wife...I'm not saying he should imagine himself having sex with her when he's 'with' you....but he must not be allowed to forget her. 
As other posters here suggest, try to encourage him to talk about her......close the book but keep it on the shelf as it were.

I suspect he is still grieving......

I'm not going to go into any great detail....but I lost someone (killed in a vehicle accident)....it took me a long time to get over her...I still think of her sometimes and I still miss her. I'm glad I have those memories....I still cherish the 'book' and I'm glad I still have it...but I keep it on the shelf.


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## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

Smoke, none of what you say is true. We've made love hundreds of times, so I know what is normal and what is not. 

I know I am not a replacement for his late wife. I've had to tell many people that. I am simply here to walk through the next phase of his life with him. He will never forget her, and I wouldn't want him to. I wouldn't want him to forget me, so why would I want him to forget her? They were married 20 years. She's been gone five. I've been with him for four years. 
This incident was unique. I haven't felt like he was thinking of her since the very beginning of our relationship. Then it popped up again. It's difficult to take. Heck, dating and marrying a widower is difficult. 
I think the fact that it's been so long since I felt this, caught me off guard. He's such a good man, and he treats me like gold. I need to let this go. He's not perfect, and neither am I. 
I do think I'm going to look into Tantric Sex though. He and I have talked about it before. I think it's time to put the plan into action. 
The one thing I always try to do, so he doesn't think of her when he should be thinking of me, is to make new memories. Sexual habits are difficult to break. So we shall make new ones. 
Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Monica...you are spot on. Make new memories with him!

I take my hat off to you for realising, accepting and encouraging him not to forget someone who was such a major part of his life for 20 years. 

He is very lucky to have found love again in someone like you.


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## MonicaM (Jun 29, 2012)

Wow. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> While you do know your husband better than anyone here, I'd say that that is a very large assumption to make unless he's actually told you he's done that in the past.
> 
> If your husband is a breast man, then maybe that's just him being him. I'm a breast man, love em, and I like to play with them like a 5-year-old plays with play-doh. I think those things should be cloned somehow and made into stress balls. They are fantastic. Could it be simply that your husband got playing with them, a sort of titty hypnotizing?
> 
> I should trademark that :lol:


I find this as possible, I myself am a breast man, men with our tastes have it hard but if you love a person then it shouldn't be a problem, but if I do certain things that will make myself go into that "titty hypnotizing" spell Id have trouble lasting long myself.

Have a little more confidence, he married you for you because he loved you, he didn't marry you to replace his wife. 20 years is a lot but dont worry so much about it.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

MonicaM said:


> Smoke, none of what you say is true. We've made love hundreds of times, so I know what is normal and what is not.


Fair enough. Just trying to put some fresh eyes on the situation. Not the first time I have been wrong.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

He loved this woman for decades. He's only been away from her for a relatively short time in comparison. That takes time, especially since he's shut down and isn't discussing her, or acknowledging what's going on.

He may always be in love with her on some level. He didn't chose to walk away. You sound like a loving, open, gracious woman, and I would encourage you to continue being so. If another moment like this happens just breath it in, confront it in the moment, and step away. If he won't keep the truth out on the table, you need to be the one who takes on the responsibility of baring the truth, and making it open and known. If he is indeed reliving her through you, you need to let him know that you see that, and while you respect his grief, and his deep missing of her, you can not stand as a placeholder at any moment. 

He will eventually get the clue.


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