# Urgent!! STBX wants me to meet with him and OW tomorrow?



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Should I go? He said "they" want to prove to me nothing was ever going on between them other then just good friends. I'm moved out now but my curiosity to see them together is I guess why I want to ask you guys if I should go. It's for a coffee.

I don't even know her and maybe saw her twice in the 5 years he worked with her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's a no win situation for you so I would turn down the offer. Whatever you say or do, your STBX will always say that you were not nice enough to her; no matter how nasty she was to you, he didn't see it and so on.

Since you two are splitting up anyway, there is no need for you to know when that relationship got started or what is progression has been. 

If you are into Schadenfreude, realise then that your STBX will be frustrated that you dind't fall for his offer. so you will have won this round by turning down the offer.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Disengage-do not get caught up in this, ask yourself what is in this for you?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He can't prove a negative. He cannot prove nothing happened. And frankly all the evidence you have is more reliable than any sh!t sandwich they try to sell you.

Decline the offer.

The next progression - I give it 4-6 weeks - is for him to reveal they are together, with the excuse being you "drove them together" with your accusations. Mark it down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> Should I go? He said "they" want to prove to me nothing was ever going on between them other then just good friends. I'm moved out now but my curiosity to see them together is I guess why I want to ask you guys if I should go. It's for a coffee.
> 
> I don't even know her and maybe saw her twice in the 5 years he worked with her.


No.

If they so hell bent on proving that nothing was ever going on between them, why are they showing up together?

He's your STBX. His problem, not yours.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Really, all he has is words which is easily falsifiable. His most likely course is to have her collaborate with his story. For you to even consider it, you would have to believe his words are true, plus you would have to discard all evidence to the contrary like the OWH statement that reinforce what you know.

I had a funny thought while I was typing this, but it would be great if you decide to go and bring along the OWH. It would make things interesting if you could, although, there could be dire consequences for him to see the OM, your husband.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Do not go. Do not go. Do not go. Do not go.


And for good measure, do not go.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If they plan a life together they want their history to be clean even if they have to rewrite it. That’s the reason for the meeting. They want the record to show that they were totally professional towards each other until your marriage was clearly over. They never touched each other and are waiting for the divorce to be final before they do. 

She doesn’t want to be forever known as a home wrecker to friends and family. If they were smart they would have waited until the divorce was final and then “started” dating publicly. They could have then "discovered" that they were meant for each other and gotten married. 

They screwed up and now they’re trying to fix it. My bet is that the OW wants the meeting more than your husband.

I would tell them that people are going to think what they’re going to think and that you have no control over it. You’re not a priest that can absolve their sins. They want to prove their innocence to you and for you to become their advocate. If you as the spouse think they were on the up and up then how could anyone challenge you?

If you go they will get mad if you don't accept their "proof."


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp

What could the two of them possibly say that you would find interesting? Your husband sounds as if he is a pathological liar and now he wants you to hear the same lies from her. There is nothing she can provide that is undeniable proof they haven't been together. Your husband can't do this either. I would think if you did go you'll be mad that you can't get that time back in this lifetime. It isn't even worth a free cup of coffee if you think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

No no no


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

No. HEII NO!!!!!!!!!!!

180 180 180 180

He is toxic to your life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He can't prove a negative. He cannot prove nothing happened. And frankly all the evidence you have is more reliable than any sh!t sandwich they try to sell you.
> 
> Decline the offer.
> 
> ...


^^ This is the next part of the script. You can take it to the bank.

I know that you want to be the focus of your WH's attentions after so many years of being neglected and cheated on. It's good vindication and a salve for the ego. Perfectly understandable.

BUT, you will just prolong your own agony if you meet with them. 180 and a new life is the better choice. A year from now, when he is far back in the rear view mirror, you will not feel this pull.

Please, please keep moving forward, not back. I know it's hard.

(And I thought he wasn't in touch with her? Liar, liar...Tell him that they are both liars. Why should their testifying together make them more believable? This is a case where two negatives will never make a positive.)


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Don't do it!!!! You know in your heart what really happened, however painful it is to face, and if you go, you risk letting an untrustworthy person chip away at your resolve. I don't know why he would think you would believe anything he or this woman have to say, but can I just agree with others who have said the same thing - there is nothing for YOU to gain by going. Don't get sucked in. You're stronger than that.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think all the above posters are suggesting that it might be prudent to stay at home...

Well, I think thats what they are saying....they are all being a bit ambiguous....


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

SomethingsUp said:


> We were trying to reconcile and he wanted to prove he was innocent about an actual PA with the women he worked with, so he took a polygraph. He failed it completely, only 3 questions were asked, here they are...
> 
> 1.) Have you been faithful to your wife (my name) since the day you married her? FAIL
> 
> ...



I'd like to bring your attention to number 3. For someone whose not in contact, they apparently seem to still support each other. I wouldn't even acknowledge the offer, as it is engaging him and opening up a dialogue that is solely meant to gadlight you. Does her husband know about the affair? My guess is the only purpose of this, is to protect her and him at your expenses, you wouldn't show up knowing you would be physically attacked so why show up for something that's going to attack your psyche more than it has already been. 

Ps tape all your interactions with them on a var. Or if you really must respoond, tell him you know the truth and the only thing your interested in is an apology.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

always_hopefull said:


> I'd like to bring your attention to number 3. For someone whose not in contact, they apparently seem to still support each other. I wouldn't even acknowledge the offer, as it is engaging him and opening up a dialogue that is solely meant to gadlight you. Does her husband know about the affair? My guess is the only purpose of this, is to protect her and him at your expenses, you wouldn't show up knowing you would be physically attacked so why show up for something that's going to attack your psyche more than it has already been.
> 
> Ps tape all your interactions with them on a var. Or if you really must respoond, tell him you know the truth and the only thing your interested in is an apology.


Good catch. We can continue to debate the reliability of polygraphs ad nauseam. But in THIS circumstance it was pretty f--kin reliable.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

bluff this hand....ask her to take the poly and if she refuses, don't go and call it done.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, he hasn't even asked her yet if she'll do it, I'm betting he thought I'd say no to the idea, I'm letting this play out to see where it goes. My guess is neither of them would go through with this.

He did the same thing with the Poly, said he'd take one, all his idea, then damn near had heart failure when I booked it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't remember the details of your original thread. Wasn't your stbx working up north with rescue service or something. OW is his local wife, right. You described tons of circumstantial evidence of them shacking up.

Your husband didn't believe you would stand up for yourself. He finds you much more attractive since you have. But at the end of the day he has treated your poorly for much of your marriage.

Did he pass the poly? I doubt it.

Take up CrossFit or something and start dating again.

Tell you stbx that if wants there to be a "you", he can date you after divorce.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

*No!!!!*


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

All you stand to gain from this is the implied "possibility" of some type of apology.
All else is smoke and mirrors.
Take way the apology and what do you have? A useless meeting with dubious intentions.

Dont give them the satisfaction.
Just say "Ex, you have made your choices. My input did not matter beforehand...why should now be any different? I wish you well, but I need to move on with my life."


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Why not make any meeting contingent on a poly from this girl? The questions formulated by the firm you used were not the best I've ever seen. What does the OW husband believe and does the preponderance of the evidence, viewed by an independent party, support they were in an affair? 
Spouses involved in a "platonic" relationship with others of the opposite sex is never a good idea. I've said before, when a man and a woman are friends, one or both are thinking about f-king.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

The logic part of me says no.

The masochist part of me, if I had the opportunity with my wifes OM, would probably consider it. I can't say that the meeting would END well for him, but pure curiosity would drive me. I am one of those people that needs as much info as possible, all the time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rub salt in the wounds

"Why would I need both of you to meet with me to tell me you were not having an affair? Why, this sounds as if you think some people would have grounds for thinking you were having an affair!"


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

*NO!!!!!!!*

Don't do it.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

He just texted me and told me she left the city and is back up north so it can't happen now. OMG


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

"No thanks. I'm trying to move on with my life, not revisit and certainly not be a third wheel on a coffee date listening to you and this other discuss your wonderful friendship. Doesn't sound even entertaining or something you need me for. Time for me to find my own friends. Don't worry though, I won't invite you though because I'd like to think it'd bother you too introducing you to these awesome guys I meet even after the divorce. But well, thinking of my feelings isn't your strong suit... Have fun on your coffee date!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just texted me and told me she left the city and is back up north so it can't happen now. OMG


I wonder if this was sprung on her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Hon, you're no longer my concern. I really couldn't care less if you two can concoct some sort of alibi, as you're no longer part of my life. Please stop contacting me."


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Ya, I won't do it, it would be a waist of my time and I'd gain nothing. I'll just focus on living in the now instead! 

Thanks guys/gals, you're the best!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just texted me and told me she left the city and is back up north so it can't happen now. OMG


You called it... :rofl:

He's a piece of work.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I wonder if this was sprung on her?


Oh for sure, that's his style, I think he's just freaking because he knows our house has to go up for sale now that I moved out and he will have to start over too. He's just grasping at straws, anything to keep life as it was. That's what I think anyways.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You called it... :rofl:
> 
> He's a piece of work.


I think so hey?!? LOL


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just texted me and told me she left the city and is back up north so it can't happen now. OMG


Oh, what bad timing! Oh well at least he tried! Might as well take him back now  smh

(sarcasm)


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Neither of them has shown any history of being honest. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

You know your husband is a cheater.......I know it hurts to accept this.........but you have to find a final way to stop trying to disprove it, or let him try to disprove it. Even if they never had intercourse, something inappropriate was going on.

I am all for reconciliation; but he has to be willing to be honest with you about what was going on.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> Neither of them has shown any history of being honest. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
> 
> You know your husband is a cheater.......I know it hurts to accept this.........but you have to find a final way to stop trying to disprove it, or let him try to disprove it. Even if they never had intercourse, something inappropriate was going on.
> 
> I am all for reconciliation; but he has to be willing to be honest with you about what was going on.


I'm trying very hard to move on, I don't want him anymore, after everything that's happened and my discovery of it, I'm falling out of love with him more and more everyday, it's him that keeps finding away to contact me. I don't know why he is? Oh and he will never tell the truth, he would never want his family to know what he's done.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> I'm trying very hard to move on, I don't want him anymore, after everything that's happened and my discovery of it, I'm falling out of love with him more and more everyday, it's him that keeps finding away to contact me. I don't know why he is? Oh and he will never tell the truth, he would never want his family to know what he's done.


He will keep finding ways to contact you. He wants you to be thinking about him or the situation. Some will go to the grave before they admit anything.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I can't remember what proof you had, but it was pretty overwhelming.

If he were truly remorseful, he would be humble and fess up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's hanging on for so many reasons. He had the life of Riley with a respectable wife and family tucked away where they couldn't see his other side & a mistress and the freedom to pay a prostitute in his second life. In his 'respectable' persona, he had to lie. In his second life, he could be himself.

There's tremendous social pressure to be respectable. No wonder that he doesn't want his family to know that he's an inveterate liar.

(But why doesn't his family know? Is this just going to be 'irreconcilable differences'?)


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> He just texted me and told me she left the city and is back up north so it can't happen now. OMG


too convenient for me.....**** is probably is around the corner.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your husband is also being so disrespectful to OW. He has been banging her in a de facto LTR for a long time. She probably has cooked him many meals and now he wants her to lie about it. He had to coach her over and over:

"Babe, my wife is ruining me economically and that will make so much harder for us to spend time together, so please tell her I never so much as flirted with you.

The reality is that they made wet spot on her bed many times. I'll bet that she is going along with his request in the hope that no matter what she is going get him on the rebound.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Ok so they show up together and you meet them, what good does that do? They won't able to prove to you nothing was going on. I would turn this down and continue with your plans.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Your husband is also being so disrespectful to OW. He has been banging her in a de facto LTR for a long time. She probably has cooked him many meals and now he wants her to lie about it. He had to coach her over and over:
> 
> "Babe, my wife is ruining me economically and that will make so much harder for us to spend time together, so please tell her I never so much as flirted with you.
> 
> The reality is that they made wet spot on her bed many times. I'll bet that she is going along with his request in the hope that no matter what she is going get him on the rebound.


What about the OW being disrespectful to the OP?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OW is certainly being disrespectful of OP. That goes without saying. Clearly OW sees herself in a very subordinate position. She does not feel that her status comparable to that of a wife.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

I read through all of your posts and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this - but you are handling this admirably. 

Your stbxh seems like a master manipulator and hasn't quite come to terms that you are out of his toxic control. That's how he keeps reeling you in to give him second, and third chances. It was also why he was so confident that he would be able to trick the polygraph. He's lied his whole life.

This meeting is just another part of his elaborate web of lies.

I know you already said you are not going, which is great! But you really need to stay focused on your detaching of him. You did this early and then reattached - you are in the process of detaching again. 

He's out of chances - stop letting him weasel his way back into your life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mrs Chai said:


> I read through all of your posts and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this - but you are handling this admirably.
> 
> Your stbxh seems like a master manipulator and hasn't quite come to terms that you are out of his toxic control. That's how he keeps reeling you in to give him second, and third chances. It was also why he was so confident that he would be able to trick the polygraph. He's lied his whole life.
> 
> ...


Go completely dark on him if possible, move on and do what you can to restart your own life. Let him see that you absolutely mean business and are not messing around no more. If communication is necessary for admin matters use email only, then he cannot worm his way or manipulate you. Take back control.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Should I go? He said "they" want to prove to me nothing was ever going on between them other then just good friends. I'm moved out now but my curiosity to see them together is I guess why I want to ask you guys if I should go. It's for a coffee.
> 
> I don't even know her and maybe saw her twice in the 5 years he worked with her.


I haven't read all your posts or everyone's responses but seeing the letters, "STBX and OW", means (to me) if you do go, you will then be guilty of playing games too. 

Don't play games. They're not fun and not mature. Stay on the high road and you can be FOREVER proud.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Help him out of your life, and tell his family about his OW.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This reminds me an awful lot of how my ex wife treated me after we split up. (though it never got to a point quite like this).

She, too, had a vested interest (financial, mostly) and tried every which way to prove there wasn't an OM. Then when she could no longer keep up THAT charade, she tried to prove the OM came along AFTER we had split up.

Your situation is much more obvious than mine was. I had no actual proof and only very very circumstantial evidence that there was an OM at that point.

In my case, when she came clean and told me she WAS dating somebody (this is 3-4 months after we split up) and would be moving in with him, I immediately thought that this started before hand, when we were still together. She denied it, over and over, much like your husband is trying to do.

However, my wife's OM lived on a different continent at the time. I even asked her point blank once "So you're moving in with this guy, who is moving from Europe to be with you, and you've only been dating him 3 months or so?" She actually maintained that she had gone to visit him once and he had come here once, for a period of a week in each case. The rest of their "relationship" was online, Skype, phone, email. Uh huh. So 2 weeks of in-person dating and he's giving up everything to move halfway across the world to move in with you? She swore up and down this was the case.

And she never copped to anything, ever, except that they had begun contact some 2 years before, and the relationship grew that way. Online only. She swore they didn't even have plans, or that she told him she'd leave me for him, or anything like that. She maintained they never met in person until a month or so after she and I split up. We were in contact up until a year or so after we had split up, and she never admitted to anything (nor did I ever bother to inquire any further, tbh).

She preferred it that way. She wouldn't want people who knew her, or her family, to find out she started this relationship in earnest while she was still married. That would make her look bad. She'll take it to the grave, I'm sure.

And that's the thing with so many betrayers - they try so hard to maintain face in situations like this. They don't want ANYBODY to see their infidelity, because they know it reflects poorly on them. It's sad, really.

At the end of the day, people like my ex wife will always have that in the back of their head. Afaik, she's still with OM (they married a year later). They both will always know that their relationship started while she was married to me, and they had to sneak around (even if it was online only).

I've been married twice now. In both cases, I have a good story to tell people about how we met, and the beginnings of my relationship(s). My wife and I will always have that story, and we've told our kids, and we'll tell our grandkids.

My ex wife doesn't have that story. If and when somebody asks them how THEY met, I doubt they'll feel a whole lot of pride, and as long as she lives and they're together, I'm going to pop into her mind.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> In my case, when she came clean and told me she WAS dating somebody (this is 3-4 months after we split up) and would be moving in with him, I immediately thought that this started before hand, when we were still together. She denied it, over and over, much like your husband is trying to do.


Alexm, did she have a big smirk on her face during those conversations with you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Alexm, did she have a big smirk on her face during those conversations with you?


I doubt it. Why? Because she had to convince herself, first.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NextTimeAround said:


> Alexm, did she have a big smirk on her face during those conversations with you?


No.

She really was trying to protect herself. Her reputation and her ability to manipulate me during the divorce process. I wouldn't have been so nice to her, otherwise. And I wasn't, once I started putting 2 and 2 together. In all honesty, I probably would have just split everything evenly with her. I had a gf by this time, too, but mine came along 3-4 months after our split. Instead, she got maybe a 5th of everything, which was all she was legally owed, anyway, as her story didn't add up, and it was clear she was involved with this guy beforehand.

Too bad for her, I guess.


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