# Help!! Family not accepting :(



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey everybody,

I'm pretty stressed out and need some advice.

My girlfriend of six months just told me she's pregnant. I know it's mine but I am getting it confirmed next week. She is an excellent woman and I am sure we'll raise a healthy loving child together...but here lies my stress: 

1) I'm 27 and she'd 40. Not sure what issues we'll face. I honestly didn't think it could happen. I used to be very reckless and simply thought my swim couldn't swim. I'm not ready to be a dad but I could do it. I am more depressed then excited. Our relationship is good for the most-part. 

2) I got divorced two years ago. She wants to get married so I can use my work benefits on her and the kid. That sounds fair but I don't want to get married again. She'd sign a prenup if necessary and we could just skip the ceremony. All seems plausible in theory, but the thought of having dependents bothers me. And I said I would be there for her, so now I have to either back down on my word or man up. I am a pretty selfish guy but maybe this is an opportunity for me to grow?

3) My family is furious. They think she is just a random ***** and that makes me mad. Makes it tough to communicate with them. When my ex-wife left two years ago I kept the house. I am nearly done with the renovations and plan to sell it. They've been helping me out with the renovation costs but I will pay them back in full when I sell the house. I was planning to downsize anyways, but my biggest issue is talking to my parents. All they want me to do is leave and get out asap. 

Probably the most hurtful thing was when my sister found out today and said this: "I hope the miserable **** falls down the stairs and gets a miscarriage."

I just don't know how to deal with this sort of negativity. I want nothing to do with my old family when they act like this.

I am so bombarded with hate that I am having trouble making up my mind if I should stay or go. At this point I feel powerless, and almost careless. It's just life, isn't it? I also feel like this situation will split up my family and I don't want that.

And lastly, their perspective of the world is no narrow, cold and unbending. They still do not accept my worldviews!!


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Definitely do NOT get married, I'm sorry but if you're already checking the DNA, and your family hates her and she's pushing marriage for bennies only, you may have been seriously played for your support and paycheck. Of course I don't know your relationship but the age difference (old woman, naive young guy), fact that she has other dependents she wants you to pay and care for is very concerning. She's all but said I only want your bennies and don't give a flip about the actual marriage.

I fear you've been proper trapped. Other than that just pay child support and move on assuming the child is yours if you can't make it work with her without marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I don't think I would marry her. As for benefits, I would pony up for child support and that would include money to help pay for insurance. I would not get married for benefits alone.

You do sound very selfish and hopefully this will help you grow up and into a more rewarding life than one you can have just doing whatever you please, but I still would not marry for any reason other than love and wanting to be married. Especially not to someone 13 years older.

Why does your family hate this woman so much? You say she is a great woman, but their hatred seems visceral. Do they see something about her that you don't/won't see? How did they treat your first wife?

Regardless, that child is yours too. If they don't open their hearts for that reason alone, I think there is something very wrong with your family and I would tell them they will never speak to you of anyone you are seeing that way again if they want you in their lives.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Do not rush into marriage for the sake of benefits. 
You are correct in that you should only marry for love. 
Do you live with your parents now? 

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would be very suspicious of her motives. She's 40 not married and seemingly is only concerned about digging into your pocket for your health benefits. DON'T marry her. If you did she'll probably end up using the kid to get even more out of you. I'd also suggest that you should wisen up and date women your own age. What are you doing with 40 year old's


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Don't rush marriage for the wrong reasons.
You say you don't want to get married again so don't marry her.
You can still provide for the child without marrying.

Why don't they like her?
Is it the age difference or is there more to the story?
I think In the end you now have a child to think about.
Hopefully your family will come around and be accepting of the baby at least...they are completely innocent in all this no matter what they think of the mother.



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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

It's possible but I highly doubt it. She is a great person and I know many people who know her that can back that up, but thanks for sharing the possibility.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> I don't think I would marry her. As for benefits, I would pony up for child support and that would include money to help pay for insurance. I would not get married for benefits alone.
> 
> You do sound very selfish and hopefully this will help you grow up and into a more rewarding life than one you can have just doing whatever you please, but I still would not marry for any reason other than love and wanting to be married. Especially not to someone 13 years older.
> 
> ...


I don't plan on getting legally married and that said, I would make her sign an agreement before she moved in with me first so she couldn't take. She is very cool though, she'd never do that.

I have no problem with the age gap. I went into this knowing, but I am little overwhelmed by my family's reaction. They are so secluded in their own world it seems. They didn't treat my ex good, but she was different and in a way deserved it. Absolutely, there is something wrong, there is some really displaced energy there.

They've only met her once. Lol.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I would be very suspicious of her motives. She's 40 not married and seemingly is only concerned about digging into your pocket for your health benefits. DON'T marry her. If you did she'll probably end up using the kid to get even more out of you. I'd also suggest that you should wisen up and date women your own age. What are you doing with 40 year old's


I go with the flow of love my friend. I haven't had the fortunate of meeting many women my age I like. I'm very okay with the gap.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

citygirl4344 said:


> Don't rush marriage for the wrong reasons.
> You say you don't want to get married again so don't marry her.
> You can still provide for the child without marrying.
> 
> ...


I am leaning towards this. I couldn't just walk away from her and evade the courts, but the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not a bad guy. I just don't want to self-sabotage my life, my family's and in turn hers. She's always wanted a baby and so excited. I want to live alone, but only because I'm that strange introvert that needs his own space. 

We don't live together presently. I have my own place and she lives with her grandma. 

What is worse is it tearing apart some of my friendships fast too. Everyone points the figure at me, and yeah I accept 
responsibility, but I wish I had some support and respect for my choices instead of being insulted by everyone I love.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

I never married my son's mother. We split home when he was 2 because we thought it would be better than splitting home later in his life. He knows no other way and has a wonderful childhood.

His mother and I never once stepped into court, we never dealt with family courts over custody. I see my son just about every day for 2 weeks straight, then I only see him for an hour or so a day for a week because of my work schedule rotation.

I feel that I get plenty of time with him, his mother feels the same.

We split all his expenses, or at least try to, sometimes that isn't possible. We find ways of working out the financials.

I happen to be responsible for all his extra curricular activities, she takes responsibility for his curricular activities. That way we aren't tracking bills constantly and can focus on his welfare.

You can do this man, I know it seems scary, we were 22 when my son was born, both in college. It becomes second nature, well, to be fair, it is nature.

Having a child isn't going to make life a struggle, unless your child has some major health issues.

Now... that that is out of the way.

Under no circumstance should you consider marrying this woman, ever.
Not for love, not for family, and certainly not for convenience. Marriage offers absolutely no benefit to you or your child.

I married a 41yr old woman when I was 31. We knew each other for 6 months. She pushed marriage hard, I didn't feel right and neither did my family. It lasted 1.5 years, and the divorce will no doubt last longer than the marriage (well over a year already) I've spent more trying to rid my life of her than I have spent on my son's medical expenses over 11 years of his life (including his birth).

I could have bought her a house with the money I spent trying to keep her from taking mine.

And we have no children together.

Talk to an attorney about your rights, don't expect a fight, but be prepared for one.

The worst that could happen now is you split custody and pay 17% max of your gross in child support.

If you get married, I guarantee it will be worse.

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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

pragmaster said:


> I am leaning towards this. I couldn't just walk away from her and evade the courts, but the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not a bad guy. I just don't want to self-sabotage my life, my family's and in turn hers. She's always wanted a baby and so excited. I want to live alone, but only because I'm that strange introvert that needs his own space.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well I think you do need to talk to a lawyer and know what your rights are as the father.
She obviously wants to marry and you don't...so now what. You say no and you guys stay together? Break up? 

Like it had been posted you can figure out how to co parent and make your child the center of the world. But you do need to know your rights in case she gets really peeved you want to live a solitary life without her in the same house. 

I think your friends and family will come around. They are acting in the moment. Have you spelled it out that no..you aren't going to marry this girl to them?
They probably are scared that you have gotten yourself in what could be a nasty situation if she gets angry about you not marrying.



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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

A 40yr old woman living with her grandmother probably hasn't made the wisest decisions in life. I would give absolutely no credence to her want of marriage.

At 40 years old she isn't going to make up for lost time to live out her dream purpose, and it's far to late for her to learn self discipline.

Now, if she is staying with Grandma because grandma is no longer able to live independently, that might be another story. However, the fact she got pregnant within 6 months to a guy 13 years younger, and now wants to marry, I am guessing this woman is in survival mode, grandma is taking her in because granddaughter isn't capable of being independent.

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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> A 40yr old woman living with her grandmother probably hasn't made the wisest decisions in life. I would give absolutely no credence to her want of marriage.
> 
> At 40 years old she isn't going to make up for lost time to live out her dream purpose, and it's far to late for her to learn self discipline.
> 
> ...


You make a great point but I can assure you she is a sweetheart with no ill intention. It's ENTIRELY my fault for pushing the unprotected sex on her, she was very protective to start. I also promised her I'd start a family with her and now that this is all happening I am retracting that statement. It's never happened before. It's not that I am not willing to start a loving family with her, it's that I am pissed off I am lumped into the "dads" category. I almost don't want to be a dad because of that label, if that makes sense. 

She is taking care of her grandmother because she loves her grandma. Lol. She works a job, but her struggle in "independence" is due to spending 10 years travelling the world, and so basically she came back and is working her way back up the ladder. I'm fine with that. I don't judge people on their past.

I think my biggest problem is I am still in people pleaser mode. I want the majority of people involved to be happy because I think that will make me happy in turn, although that is far from true.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> her struggle in "independence" is due to spending 10 years travelling the world, and so basically she came back and is working her way back up the ladder. I'm fine with that. I don't judge people on their past.


That's a red flag, I assume she was traveling alone. Unfortunately you got a hold of her after she hit the wall. What's her credit look like? You marry into that as well and I'm guessing like my post wall ex who spent her prime traveling the world, she has no plan for retirement, unless marrying a betabux provider is her retirement plan.



pragmaster said:


> I think my biggest problem is I am still in people pleaser mode. I want the majority of people involved to be happy because I think that will make me happy in turn, although that is far from true.


That's the key to resentment, not happiness, bruh. You give way to many fux. Quit sacrificing your needs for the wants of others. You will be happy when you make yourself happy by doing what you want.

Marriage, nah, why don't you travel the world instead  

Next weekend we start a week long kayak trip through the chain of lakes, chasing "rainbows" on Superior for a day.
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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> Hey everybody,
> 
> I'm pretty stressed out and need some advice.
> 
> ...


DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GET MARRIED.

Live together, be a couple.

But with a 40yr old woman, she is being irresponsible even for a cougar. 
Sad to say but part of the "attraction" is likely to be your virility AND those work benefits tying you down would guarantee her.

At 40 she should have better idea about the world and when she hits menopause 10 years later, or at the latest when the child is leaving the nest, she will walking "wanting her freedom" from being mother/wife etc. And take half your life with her.
Very likely you will end up doing the childcare "if you really care about your children" or "are a good dad".

Getting married or legally de facto will make life much harder for everyone.

And if she is 40, and DOESN'T know things them she is VERY irresponsible, and you should be even more cautious.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> It's possible but I highly doubt it. She is a great person and I know many people who know her that can back that up, but thanks for sharing the possibility.


If you didn't think that way, you probably wouldn't be in this dilemma.

Sadly for those who do trap people, establishing that trust and image is exactly their system.

We can't tell because we don't know her, but the honesty and cummulated real life experience on this site can serve as a warning to dangers of such things that you really do need to listen to.

Getting married is a legal thing more permanent than getting a tattoo...even if its annulled or divorced that person has a claim on you for the rest of your life, and you have to deal with commitments and lawyer payments that you can never get back.

While that might seem manageable while you're young, mostly healthy, and are used to having support from family and peers. 

Once you're married that changes as time and connections are lost and your time and resources are consumed by your family.

Are you expected/expecting to support her as well as the child? Remember you get nothing but "happy memories" from doing that for them. While they get all the benefit without the pressure to provide the resources. And you must shoulder the blame if things go bad.

One very difficult part is that being inexperienced you will have difficulty being at least equal in the partnership, even if you are expected to be the provider. This might seem ok, if you're used to having a "mum" look after you, but you will need to have your own life and power, if you're to develop as a person. (this is regardless of gender in the inequality of partners)


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

You know about the curve?

OK LADDIES, TIME TO WATCH NETFLIX, GO ON...

When a woman hits 35 her value on the single market is in rapid decline, she has all but lost her fertility, and her only remaining asset in the single market (aesthetics,) well, she isn't getting prettier by the day.

Meanwhile, a man at 35 is becoming more financially stable, secure, responsible, and should be starting to enjoy the fruits of his labor, building a better world around him.

You sir, have yet to hit your prime, and she has expired.

Some day, when women half your wife's age will be pursuing you for what you can offer a relationship, most notably how you can enable them and build their future... By that time you are going to be maintaining your old ladies health.

I know it sounds crass, and misogynistic of me to point this out, but SHES GOT HER EYES ON YOUR BENNIES BRUH, women are much smarter than we think.


The Ashton and Demi Graphic
You are Ashton Kutcher she is Demi Moore, 2003 is 2016 and today is 8 years later.








We all know how that turned out.









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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> I don't plan on getting legally married and that said, I would make her sign an agreement before she moved in with me first so she couldn't take. She is very cool though, she'd never do that.
> 
> I have no problem with the age gap. I went into this knowing, but I am little overwhelmed by my family's reaction. They are so secluded in their own world it seems. They didn't treat my ex good, but she was different and in a way deserved it. Absolutely, there is something wrong, there is some really displaced energy there.
> 
> They've only met her once. Lol.


Well that is very strange that your family is reacting so horribly when they've only met her once. What your sister said is beyond the pale. Why is she calling her these viscous names if she barely knows her?

Regarding the age difference - yeah things like that didn't matter to me when I was your age either. But as you both get older, it may start to make a bigger difference than you'd think. But since you're not planning to marry, you can cross that bridge if you come to it.

You're probably still in shock with this whole situation, but I think you'll adjust and be really really happy to have the kid in due time.

1. Sounds like your relationship with your family was precarious already so that's sad, but not really such a big loss.

2. Once you hold that little bundle of joy in your arms - ok, once it's 2 or 3 years old and can toddle around and say and do cute things, you'll be so happy to have it regardless of the anxiety you feel right now, and regardless of your relationship with the mother.

3. Why do you not want to marry? Are you just not ready or do you "thinks she's great" but "not the one" for you? If you think she's not the one, I would also think hard about whether or not you should even live together. Once you are living together you are kind of "stuck" because you're "together" and can't shop around for the love of your life, but you're not committed. If you live together now then split apart in a few years, that's probably harder on the baby too than never living together.

Regardless, you'll figure it out.

I think in the long run this will be a blessing for both of you and a great thing. Just give yourself a little time to adjust to the idea. And I'm really sorry about your family but they are what they are. You might as well face it now.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> women are much smarter than we think.


I prefer "logically immanent" or "practical"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"but I wish I had some support and respect for my choices instead of being insulted by everyone I love."

Let's see: you talked your girlfriend into not using birth control because (presumably) you're selfish
you don't want to start a family even though you lied to her and said you did
you don't want to be in the 'dad' category even though there's one on the way
you don't want to marry
you want your space

Just what are people suppose to support or respect?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Neither Blondilocks! I am looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation. It really is sad that so many people misuse others. I guess I should have known better on a marriage forum haha. 

I am not getting married folks, don't worry about that ha ha.. I will not repeat the same mistake. I've made it clear to her. I will not support her either. 

Everyday I get closer to leaning towards the option of living alone but raising the kid with her, every odd day/week or however we work it out. I refuse to get the government involved and have them make me pay child support. And if I decide in time to live with her, she's already agreed to sign a legally binding document so that she couldn't leave with half of my crap after 6 months or w/e.

And as far as that comment goes about security and stability as a man ages, pfft. I could care less if I am poor my whole life dude. **** the system. As Devito said; "When I'm dead just throw me in the trash". 

That's what makes me think I am not suitable to be a parent. I am young, naive, and I am quite a cruel person. I am a nihilist who does not support humanity as a whole so believe you me, I am trying really hard to find that silver lining here.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> Neither Blondilocks! I am looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation. It really is sad that so many people misuse others. I guess I should have known better on a marriage forum haha.
> 
> I am not getting married folks, don't worry about that ha ha.. I will not repeat the same mistake. I've made it clear to her. I will not support her either.
> 
> ...


"I am a nihilist". WTF does that even mean? Ok, i get the "no government" thing, but you have dramatically altered HER life with your gold medal swimmers. You knocked her up, now pay up and do not let the rest of us taxpayers pay for your poor decision.

BTW, how many crap shoots did you do to decide your swimmers were lazy? 2, 5, 200? News for you. They can swim pretty darn good if the right woman comes along. 

Do not be the ****head that just throws a few bucks to the mom and says "have a good life". You owe her to take custody the full 50% time so she can also have life. You owe for half of ALL the kid's expenses. You also owe her for the medical costs related to pregnancy and childbirth. You need to work on the financials of insurance for BOTH of you. If you have low cost employer health insurance, do not just expect her to get her own at much higher cost. The costs should be split evenly, not just saying each gets their own coverage. You may have to pay part of her coverage too so that you each pay the same fair amount. You can cover the kid on your employer coverage. You work, right?

Ok, so what are you going to do while she is pregnant and cannot work? You have obligation to support some expenses, because in late stage she might not be physically able to work. You are going to drive her to the doctor for baby checkups, right?

Say good-bye to nihilism and welcome to the world of responsible fatherhood.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@foolscotton3 I will agree with the chart, but WTH is a bennie? She was not already pregnant (by some other guy) and looking to land him for benefits and support. He loaded his gun, spun the cylinder and took and shot. And it fired. In fact, it was his idea to take the shot. 

I see no trapping. If he wore a condom, this thread would not be needed. In fact SHE is now trapped by HIM in pregnancy (don't go there about getting out of it).


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

I never said she trapped him. Lol

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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

pragmaster said:


> She is very cool though, she'd never do that.


Famous last words.


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