# Telling children about their half sibling(s)



## believer

Just some background info. before I begin. My stbx & I have been seperated for 2 yrs+ and are in the final stages of finalizing our divorce. We have 2 daughters together ( 9 & 4). 
He had another child with another woman while we were in maritial counseling (so obviously that was a waste of time). Our girls do not know about this half sister yet. We originally decided to wait because they were dealing with the seperation etc. But knew eventually we would need to tell them but had never discussed a specific time frame. 

He has since been dating a woman for 1 yr+ & recently moved in with her. I was just informed that she now is pregnant & due in the spring. So now there is another half sibling that will need to be explained to our daughters. To make matters worse, my stbx is not sure if this new relationship is going to last & may not be with the mother of his newest child in the end. If the new relationship was a solid one, then explaining the newest sibling would be a little easier. But that does not sound like it is going to be the case. 

Any suggestions on how this be presented to our children? Obviously, I do not approve of him having these other children, expecially out of wedlock & our divorce not even final yet. I am concerned what kind of message this is sending our kids? How do we/I explain that is not acceptable behavior but not bad mouth their father? 

Would love your comments. . . . It's been awhile since I've been on this site but in the past you have all been extremely helpful.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Unfortunately, I don't have much advice for you. My sons have an older half sister through their father that they don't know about yet. I have not really figured out how I plan to tell them, only that I am not going to tell them yet (they are 9 & almost 7). 

As for how to condemn the behavior without condemning their father...well, everybody makes bad decisions. Bad decisions don't make you a bad person. You just explain that while their dad is a great guy, that his behavior in having unsafe sex and getting women pregnant were bad decisions. You explain that he's human, just like everyone else, and that while there's nothing wrong with him, you don't approve of those choices and you hope that your daughters will not repeat them. 

Telling them about the half siblings is a tough one, and I almost want to say you should leave it to him to tell them, since it's due to him that the conversation needs to be had at all. I don't know...hopefully, someone else has already dealt with this and will have some advice that we can both use.


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## believer

Atruckersgirl - thanks for you post! I definitely would like my stbx to be the one to explain the situation to the girls but would like to agree on how it is presented. We will need to decide how it is explained, but I am sure he is going to try to "play up" the being a big sister & can help with the baby etc. - when they are with him. My concern is , he is not one to accept much blame in any situation & it is always someone elses fault. 
Just like it was in our marriage, to this day, he blames me for making the decision to divorce him & takes little blame for having an affair & impregnanting another woman. He says it was because he wasn't happy & that I didn't pay enough attention to him that he strayed. 

When I learned of the new baby news last week I remained calm & asked him how he planned to explain. He said he hadn't figured that out yet & was going to see how the current relationship panned out. Because that will factor into the explanation a bit. I didn't not lay into him saying that "what kind of an example are you setting for our kids" ,etc. But I think I do need to express my concerns to him & agree on how this will be presented. 
I had asked him to let me know once he had the conversation so I could check in with them & be aware if they have any questions, etc. We did not discuss a specific date to share the news, but they do see the pregnant woman weekly ( if they stay together) & the girls will be able to see that she is showing soon. 

My thoughts about telling the children about the 1st half sibling is that as long as he has to discuss the new sibling, might as well get all the dirty laundry out there & get it over with. So that hopefully down the road, there will not be more surprises. 

I think you are right about explaining that people make mistakes ( in his case too many) & that just because they made a mistake they are not a bad person. Again, it would be nice to be able to say that he has learned from his mistakes & give an example but not able to do that with baby #2 on the way

You mentioned that your boys have an older half sibling - if you don't mind me asking, are you & your husband still together? Has that played into your decision to not tell? Do you have a time frame in mind? Does the father have any contact with the older child? Do you think there would be a relationship between the boys & the older sibling? 
It is tough, tough to explain & tough for kids to understand. But yet, it is a sibling & they deserve the right to know at some point. It's just determining when that "right time" to tell them is. If we wait too long, they may be upset that we hid that from them? If we tell them when they are too young to handle & understand then we may cause them some difficult feelings. 

Wouldn't it have been nice if our husbands would have just keep their you-know-what in their pants instead of procreating with other women. In the heat of the moment, they were only thinking of themselves, not realizing how their actions could potentially change many people's lives( most importantly their childrens lives). 

Let's see if anyone else has any advice about breaking the news to their children.


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## greeneyeddolphin

No, I'm not with their father anymore. I divorced him when my oldest was about 2.5 and my youngest was 20 days old when the divorce was finalized. I have no real idea if he sees his daughter, but if I had to guess, I'd say he doesn't. He doesn't see my sons, so I can't see why she would be different. He hasn't seen my kids in a little over 5 yrs. In fact, my kids don't even remember him; they actually have started to feel that my boyfriend is their dad, which given how much he does for them that a father would do, is really only wrong in that he's not biologically their dad. 

I have no real time frame in mind for telling them right now. Their father doesn't come up in casual conversation; they never want to talk about him. And I see no way to bring up a sister from him without bringing him up, and I feel it would be cruel to bring him up when they don't seem to want to talk about him. They know they can talk to me about him anytime, and I guess my best thought on it is when they start asking questions about him, I will fit her into the conversation at the point that seems most appropriate. 

As for whether I think they'll have a relationship with their half-sister...again, I have no real idea. Due to my ex treating his ex during our marriage like he treats me now, I never met my former stepdaughter or her mother, so I don't know what kind of people they are. I don't know if the girl's mother has any intention of telling her daughter about my sons, or if anyone else in either of their families would do so. Like with everything else, my best guess is that I would encourage a relationship between my sons and their half sister if all of them wanted it, but I wouldn't push it on any of them. The situation is complicated enough for all the kids, no need to make it worse, you know?


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## believer

Due to your circumstances of having little to no contact with their father makes it easier to avoid bringing up the half sibling. And I would agree with you, that as long as there would probably be little to no contact now, it would be confusing & complicated to add that into the picture at this point. 

I am absolutely amazed that parents could just walk out of their child's life & never look back. How could someone do that to their child, to their own flesh & blood? I guess someone that is very self centered to only care about themselves. 
It is a shame that their father is not part of their lives because I think it is important for kids to have that relationship with both their parents. But in your case, maybe it is a blessing in disguise? Hopefully your boyfriend can a positive role model for your boys. 

I think your strategy of waiting until they are older or start asking questions makes sense. Then you know they are putting the pieces together & you would know that they are better equipped to find out more about their dad & unknown family members. 
Your other point about not knowing anything about this other child, what they have been told, how they were raised would be strange to then introduce the possiblity of a relationship with your boys. 
But yet a part of me says, it is a sibling & they deserve to know. But the question of the hour is . . . when is the best time for the truth to be told??

As for my girls - I feel sorry for them when 1 day they need to explain that they have 2 half sisters - from 2 different mommies - how does that reflect on their dad? so once they find out about the half siblings - how do they respond when asked if they have any brothers or sister? 

Lets pray that we can be the best parents we can be & our children will be resiliant & strong and not repeat the same mistakes we've made (or their father has made) to bring us to this point. 

I


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## greeneyeddolphin

In your case, assuming they are going to see dad on a regular basis, I think it is best that they know, since it would be likely they'd see the half sibling(s) on a fairly regular basis. I've thought about this some over the past few days, and I wonder if, to a point, it wouldn't be better (in your case) to try to make it seem as natural as possible, and then as they get older, explain the more intimate details about how we don't really want to go around having babies with multiple people.

I never understood how someone could walk out on their kids either. It absolutely floors me. But my boyfriend is utterly amazing. He stepped right up, totally willing to act as a father figure for them. I would call him their stepdad, but we're not married yet. Only a matter of time, though. People always think he's their dad, though, and no one ever corrects that assumption. My boys have fully accepted him as being that father they haven't had. I'm sure a day will come when there will be some tension since he's not their bio dad, but so far, so good. 

The thing you have to remember is the half siblings reflect on dad, not your kids. Make sure they remember that. You also just teach them that we can still love someone very much even when they make decisions that we greatly disapprove of.


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## believer

Well - their dad told the girls today that they will be big sisters. My 4 yr old is excited & my 9 yr old didn't have much to say to him or to me. I asked her how she felt & she said it didn't really matter because it is going to happen. 
I encouraged her to express her feelings & not hold them in. She thought if she told her dad that she wasn't happy that he would want to sit her down with the other woman & find out why. She thinks it is easier to not speak up then to go through that. 
I explained that is important for her dad to to know how she feels. And although the circumstances may not change, she still has a right to feel her feelings - whether they are happy, sad, angry, etc. 
I let her know that she can talk with me about this or anything else, that we care what she thinks & feels. 

She asked me what I thought & I responded that I was surprised when I found out. But that this does not have anything to do with me. That her dad & I are no longer together & this is between him & the other woman. 

As you mentioned above, I didn't get into if I approved of his actions & didn't explain that I don't think it is is right that he has children with 2 other women besides myself & our divorce isn't even final yet. 
Yes, think that explanation will have to come later. 

I didn't realize he was going to tell them today. But after finding out the news of the newest baby, I was thinking to have him tell the girls about the other half sibling at the same time. That way they deal with the news of other siblings all at one, instead of going through it all again in the future. 

When will the surprises end for my children - mom & dad are seperating, mom & dad are getting a divorce, dad moving in with girlfriend, daddy having a baby, what else is do they need to deal with. . . this is NOT what I had planned for them. But thank goodness they seem to be taking all the news in stride.


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