# My story...



## ontheroad542 (Dec 13, 2009)

First off, I'd like to say Im new here. Im sure members have stories that may relate to mine but I really just need someone to talk to.

My wife and I got married in early 2007. We had normal ups and downs in our relationship but nothing too serious. We were married for about 4 months and her father passed away. We moved in with her mother to help out because the father was the only source of income. We ended up staying there.

I was deployed to Iraq in Jan 2009. Not even 4 weeks after I was gone, I came across some chats between her and someone who was my friend. The conversations we pretty sexual in nature and she said somethings to him like she wasn't happy in our marriage and she regrets it. Obviously I was pretty upset with all of this so weeks went by of off and on talking which was really just fighting. She tells me that she was just doing it for the attention. I ignored the smarter side of me and forgave her.

When I returned in October, we were still pretty shaky. I was quick to snap on little things and it usually resulted in fighting once again. Shes says she stopped talking to the guy completely the day after I found the first conversations. Less then a month later I find more conversations between him, from the time that I was home, where she went as far as saying she loved him. She tells me it was because we were having problems and she needed the attention. I, again, ignored my smarter side and forgave her. I then received orders to Cali and told her she needed to be by my side when I go so I can at least build on the little trust that I had and fix our marriage. She ended up staying behind because "she was scared to leave her mother by herself."

I find myself everyday questioning everything she says to me. She sounds remorseful in her words but I still believe she is lying about many aspects of this dilemma. I don't honestly think she ever stopped communicating with him after the first time. I feel bad to have to put her in a predicament of choosing her mother or myself but there's no way I can stay apart for any amount of time and be happy. I feel I am the only one working on our marriage and she's putting constant, unnecessary strains on it.

Sorry for the long story, Im just looking for advice. I am justified in ending this marriage right?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

absolutely. She has already disconnected from you. You need to dump her and find someone who will be true.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Well I'm not going to go so far as to recommend dumping her! That would be harsh and extreme at this point.

The lying is a killer. You suspect a physical affair and are right to think that. Your marriage can only be rebuilt with honesty.

My advice is to ask her to move to where you live - after all, a husband and wife should be together if possible. It is best if she leaves her mother behind, but if she can't or you need to compromise, bring mom with her.

But she must come live with YOU, have No Contact with the other man, commit to being totally honest with you - which can mean telling you some aweful stuff. And I recommend marriage counseling as well.

If she refuses to move, then you have your answer.

How is your relationship with the MIL?


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

In a way, I agree with both replies. She has definitely detached. It doesnt necessarily mean she couldnt reconnect with some work. Something is a miss though. Communication is key and if you both only cause screaming matches, shes not going to tell you anything. She has to be able to tell you what she needs and wants, or you wont know and the emotional cheating will happen again. No matter how far away you move her.


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## ontheroad542 (Dec 13, 2009)

whyminvrsatsfd said:


> In a way, I agree with both replies. She has definitely detached. It doesnt necessarily mean she couldnt reconnect with some work. Something is a miss though. Communication is key and if you both only cause screaming matches, shes not going to tell you anything. She has to be able to tell you what she needs and wants, or you wont know and the emotional cheating will happen again. No matter how far away you move her.


I understand that the communication needs work. I just feel as if she's still keeping things from me and lying about little things regarding the situation. I asked her for her full honesty with everything (even things I have figured out on my own) yet she refuses to come clean. I know that women need attention in their lives and some of them need lots of it. But with my career and many more deployments to come, I feel like its going to be a reoccurring problem. My trust is not only broken with her but with others who I let into my home and life to be friends.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

ontheroad542 said:


> I know that women need attention in their lives and some of them need lots of it.


This is most wise.




ontheroad542 said:


> But with my career and many more deployments to come, I feel like its going to be a reoccurring problem.


If she is a high stimulation woman, then yes, you will have many problems with her and deployments. It's common miltary problem sadly.


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## letmego (Jan 7, 2010)

It depends on how much you love her.and how much you can stand her going off from your marriage.i believe she never stopped contacting this guy unless she was caught physically cheating by you.if so,do you think you can tolerate this?if not ,you better split b4 you 2 make another mistake-having a baby. it is crule to say it but it is true. this woman will not stop till she run over the boudary.


Sven said:


> Well I'm not going to go so far as to recommend dumping her! That would be harsh and extreme at this point.
> 
> The lying is a killer. You suspect a physical affair and are right to think that. Your marriage can only be rebuilt with honesty.
> 
> ...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Ultimatum time. Tell her that it is her fault that you can't trust her out of your sight. But she has a choice to make. Leaving mom to be with you or divorce. It's that simple.


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