# Men, would you consider a woman with herpes?



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Not too much more to the question. In your single years, would you date a woman who told you she had herpes?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

it would probably drop her sex rank by a couple points. but I'd still date her and avoid the topic of sex - if we clicked I'd probably spend some time looking into dealing with a partner with herpes before I decided to get sexual. Ultimately I don't want to wear rubbers all the time in an exclusive relationship.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

if the positives outweighed the negatives.

dose she have frequent out breaks?
will she take care of me oraly if she has an outbreak?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Real chemistry [ attraction ] and love can make people things they never thought they would do..
A man might say " never" , but when they feel " mad chemistry" with a woman , the heart overrides the brain.
I've seen that happen many times.

I know a guy who met, fell in love and married a HIV+ woman.
But in our country, healthcare for HIV+ people if free.
They get free access to specialized treatment , so they carry on normal lives.
A lot depends on the initial chemistry between the two.
The most important thing is disclosure IMO.
As long as it can be properly managed.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

No.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you for your honest responses guys. Yeah, big surprise eh, the ex escort has an STD! I REALLY struggle when it all. I am pretty sure that there is just to much bad about me, it doesn't even come close to out weighing the good. Any suggestions on how to give up hope on having any love in your life completely?


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

I think it was Iron Maiden that sang "Run to the hills, run for your life!!"

After the WW left I was out to lunch with a Dr. friend and he told me to watch out. He sees genital herpees in a lot of women. Told me something like 1 out of 4 have it!!!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I assume you mean simplex 2 and not the one that 75% of the population has?

I really don't know if I would or not. Guess it depended on how deep my feelings were towards her.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Thank you for your honest responses guys. Yeah, big surprise eh, the ex escort has an STD! I REALLY struggle when it all. I am pretty sure that there is just to much bad about me, it doesn't even come close to out weighing the good. Any suggestions on how to give up hope on having any love in your life completely?


There are herpes support groups and dating sites for people with all sorts of STD's. I'd start with the support groups first.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Yeah, the support forums really aren't all that supportive, there are some really condescending people on there who never have any issues with dating or anything, and they don't seem to get it, that some of us just aren't blessed with being surrounded by people who don't think its a big deal. Yeah sure, they say 1 in 4 people have genital, and like 1 in 2 people have face herpes (so according to those statistics, basically everyone has something), but I seem to live in the only town that happens to have no one (so they say) that has herpes. I know its impossible, but so far, thats how it seems. 

The dating sites all share profiles, you sign up with one saying you have herpes, and its likely you will find your profile elsewhere saying you have something like aids and what not. Positivesingles, the largest std dating site, has a joint class action lawsuit against them for that very thing.

Beachguy yeah the simplex 2. Its funny though right, that if 75% of the population has it on their faces, why so hateful and judgmental against those of us who get it somewhere that isn't visible to the world? Hypocrites.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It would depend on the woman. If the chemistry was right I would not rule her out. I'd need to be committed long term before going uncovered with her, but once committed (i.e. married) I'd proceed as any normal relationship.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am pretty sure that there is just to much bad about me, it doesn't even come close to out weighing the good. Any suggestions on how to give up hope on having any love in your life completely?


If you really believe that, therapy may help boost you back up.

Not trying to get on you, but if you give off a negative vibe like that to guys, that may run them off quicker than the STD.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I definitely wouldn't have been that adventurous, given the situation!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thunderstruck. I didnt used to think that, until I had been rejected by multiple men for having herpes. The escort thing? Never an issue, kind of turns them on even, its when I say "Oh btw, before we go any further, I want to let you know that I have herpes, not the mouth kind, but I take meds and am as safe as one can be." Its always met with "Oh, damn, that is really too bad." Its not so much what I believe, but what I have been shown about myself, repeatedly. At some point, one has to accept what society is telling them. Its like if I was a terrible singer, despite the fact that I thought I was great, I would have to eventually believe it when everyone tells me I suck (just an example of course).


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

IBHFA, at least you're being truthful and honest upfront. Yes, you're going to get alot of rejection but one day you'll find the one guy who'll love that honesty and who can handle it.

It's better than hooking them in and then dropping the bomb on them after the fact.

Just keep on being honest and that one guy will be there one day. Also, the one that does want to be with you, he probably is a keeper.

It's the same with anything, the heavier girl, the short guy, the nerd, the not so good looking guy/girl, the flat chest girl, etc....You'll get alot of rejections but if you just quit, you'll never find that person who would like and eventually love you for who you are.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

^ I am way flat chested too, and not real attractive. See I have a lot stacked up against me! Thats why I say I just need to find a way to give up on any hope.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Its not so much what I believe, but what I have been shown about myself, repeatedly. At some point, one has to accept what society is telling them.


I answered "no" to your question, but there are millions of other guys out there for you who would not say no. Keep trying.


Illbehisfoolagain said:


> ^ I am way flat chested too, and not real attractive. See I have a lot stacked up against me! Thats why I say I just need to find a way to give up on any hope.


Don't worry about being flat. Many guys, including me, like them in all sizes, and I'm sure you're more attractive to men than you think.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Men like to look at me (and they used to like to pay me to have sex with them, maybe still but I don't do that anymore) but thats as far as it seems to go. The few that get to know me, like me, but I am just never quite good enough to be someone worth anything real


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> The few that get to know me, like me, but I am just never quite good enough to be someone worth anything real


Maybe it's more about the guys you're attracting. Do you keep hooking up with players/users?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

No. The last guy who rejected me was looking for, and now has a long term girlfriend. The most recent guy (though he says he's not wanting a girlfriend), is a really, really fantastic man, and I am sure will have a girlfriend very soon.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

I am std free. No I would not, but if I had herpes I would need to find a partner who did. Your life is not over, your options are just more limited.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Yeah. Its just funny that I seem to live in a town where I am the ONLY person who as herpes. Either that, or I know many liars. Either way, the outcome is the same.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
I think I can understand a bit how you feel.
But I don't think that all is lost.
I think you made a gigantic, positive step in changing your lifestyle from being an escort.
And like I said in my first post, I think that if that chemistry is there then there are men who,once they are educated about it, will consider a LTR.
But I think the most important thing is to for you to maintain a positive attitude towards yourself.
it helps with the " chemistry." [ opposite sex attraction.]


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If it was someone that I had just met and didn't have a relationship with yet, probably not. But if it was a friend and things moved to "more than friends", it would probably be ok. I wouldn't be ok if she didn't tell me till after our first time, though. 

Good luck! I'm sure there's someone out there for you; you just have to find them. Even if it means finding someone long distance at first. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Not too much more to the question. In your single years, would you date a woman who told you she had herpes?



No.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain, i want to commend you for being an honest person and being upfront with that. I really admire the attitude. 

But regarding the opening question, no, i wouldn't consider anyone with a STD of any kind as a viable partner. I'm a healthy freak and would not want to deal with a disease of that kind (or any kind for that matter).


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain I give you mad props, girl, for being HONEST.

Back in the day (1980s), I dated not one, but TWO men IN A ROW who each had herpes and didn't tell me before we had sexual relations. They didn't tell me AFTER we were sexually involved with each other either...UNTIL they each had an outbreak; only THEN did each of them feel compelled to tell me, but NOT before.

I thought, 'Jesus, am I meeting EVERY effing LIAR on earth?'

Somehow I did NOT contract it. But let me tell you, now that I'm single again, the first one who LIES to me (there will be no 'omitting' the truth as now I will FLAT OUT ASK them) better duck the bullets because I may just shoot him (and I'm not kidding!) I am so DONE with liars.

You have ALL MY RESPECT, Illbehisfoolagain! Hold your head up, YOU are a WOMAN OF INTEGRITY!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm still clean and would like to keep it that way, my STBX surprisingly so as well, the benefits of having legalised escort services in Australia I guess, you are encouraged to maintain your sexual health

Herpes is very common, at least from what I've seen, no matter what one's previous profession was. Not all hope is lost, though I think you have to change town.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I think my ignorance on the subject of herpes would probably put me off having a partner with herpes. 

OP - I do believe there is someone for everyone and as has been said, a positive attitude is all important. I think if you can couple your honesty and integrity smthumbup with developing a more positive outlook, you'll find your Mr. Right when you least expect to, so don't give up. 

As to my ignorance, a couple of questions if I may. 

If a person has a cold sore/herpes on the face, exactly how long should they wait to have oral to ensure it's not passed on to their partner's genital area?

If a person has herpes on their genitals, how long would they have to wait to again have sex to avoid passing the condition on to a partner?

Armed with the answers to these questions I think some people might re-think their original stance.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Not too much more to the question. In your single years, would you date a woman who told you she had herpes?


No.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you for all your props and kind words for my being honest. It does mean something to me. Why, OH WHY does the right thing ALWAYS have to be so damn difficult!?! I honestly wonder why I put myself through it. I do the right thing, but it come at such a big risk to my emotional stability and sanity. These guys, they don't even have ****ing CLUE what I go though, essentially for them, to keep them safe. These men, who in time, I won't even be a flicker of a thought that crosses their minds, I am the one stuck with the damage. 

TheCrunch they say the standard is to wait 2 weeks after all signs of an outbreak are gone. Me, I never get actual outbreaks, just the occasional funny feeling. I don't know if its the same or not if one doesn't get a full on outbreak or not.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

After reading the whole thread I want to add the following. No one wants to get a disease. There is no 100% effective way to block you from transmitting your STD and some guy catching it.

Yes it is easier for a guy to accept you were an escort in the past and truely have given up that life style and now are monogamous.

If your claim to being against an escort is false all I guy has to do is say good bye and delete your phone number.

A guy can not delete a STD.

I commend you for being honest with the guys that you meet.

Maybe you need to move close to or to a larger city. More men better odds of finding a mate.

Search for a STD support group. Ask your Dr is he knows a such a group. Maybe your county health dept can steer you in the right direction.

As to boobs. You can get a boob job. But many women looking for the easy fix go that way. Instead they fail to realize the amount of hot looking models and actresses that are A cup. Get yourself to the gym. Get some abs and toned up. Let your hair go long. Wear things that work for your body type.

And use what every guy sees first on a girl. A big smile.


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## stritle (Oct 4, 2010)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Not too much more to the question. In your single years, would you date a woman who told you she had herpes?


i'd respect for you for admitting it, but no, i wouldn't see someone if i knew she had an std.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Yeah, moving is not an option. I am a farmer, and have my established farm, its not like just moving out of an apartment into a new one. 

And yeah, I do want to join a gym, I am really athletic and have a nice body as it is, but I would really like to bulk up some. More muscles, the easier my every day life is lol. I already have long, blond hair, wear cute, skin tight clothes. I get lots of looks, chatted up sometimes, but nothing about me is enough to make anyone want to be with me, after learning about the herpes. The last man, he was everything I have ever wanted in a man, even after he crushed me, I still can picture myself spending my life with him. On the one hand, I am glad to have initially attracted basically literally the man of my dreams, it just makes it all the more hurtful that I just can't make him like me enough to over come his freakedoutness of the herpes. 

There aren't any support groups in the area. Every medical professional will tell you that its "not a big deal, its a minor skin annoyance." Its only the whole rest of society that its a big deal to.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The nice sugar coated answer is; yes, I would date a woman with herpes. Would I have sex with her? That's a tough one. 

While reading here on this site, I have found what I was afraid to look at. There are virtually no monogamous relationships. Nearly everyone cheats. It is what a majority of humans do. They must have very little value for their sexuality. I always thought it was something to be treasured. Apparently, it is not. It is just a bodily function like urinating or defecating.

So, in reality, we should all be wearing condoms all the time. We cannot know what our partner is doing or has done. It is only a matter of time until another person is infected with something.

I applaud your honesty. You are a very strong woman. You have respect and love for your fellow human. 

Love conquers all. It is possible to find someone who will accept you and all your quirks. Is it easy? I doubt it, but is finding someone who will be monogamous and dedicated to you, whether you have something or not?

You may have something on the rest of us. You have a built in test of true love.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

IBHFA, just the name of a disease is usually enough to repulse most people, even if they don't know what it is. And it is really unfortunate that this is with you forever because if you are being honest you have to disclose it before any kind of sexual relationship.

But you know, just since following this thread I am now more open to the possibility, I still can't say forsure I'd be willing to be with someone with an STD, but if it could be manageable then really there is no serious problem.

It reminds me of when my ex W was a teachers aide, working physically with challenged children, and ended up catching scabies. Such a horrible sounding word, but most people don't even have a clue what it is, just that they've always known it was something grotesque. Well, it was just a rash on her hands, forearms, really itchy and super contagious, by the time she went to see a doctor (after a couple days) I had contracted it too and had a small itchy rash on my wrists and starting on the inside of my knees.

We had to smother ourselves from head to foot twice a day for a week in medicated cream, had to wash ALL the linens in hot water then put them in ziploc bags for a week, and disinfect everything in the house.

It really is gross, it's a tiny parasite, like mites and lice, except they lay their eggs under your skin, and the rash is the body's reaction of trying to expel them. Nobody I ever talk to actually knows this, and for the rest of the semester my ex's GROWN, apparently ADULT coworkers (who also were teachers that ought to know about scabies and other communicable conditions among children) refused to sit near her in the lunch room and called her "scabies girl" both behind her back and to her face.

Ignorant - is what people are. But there are some people who are logical and rationale about things, so just associate with them more and ignore the ignoramus'. In your case, just don't expect someone with a HD that expects to be able to have spontaneous sex with you everyday and gets angry about any kind of obstacle, and when you do get into your next relationship learn ways to give subtle but clear hints when there is a green light for it, there are genuinely understanding men out there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Scabies is what people get when they get mange.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Scabies is what people get when they get mange.


yeah, if she was furrier the other teachers could have called her "mange girl" as they glared at her from the other side of the room eating their ramen together.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

2ntnuf you are right, many do cheat! Who knows when its safe! Also, I just remembered that I used to have a friend who didn't even know she had herpes until she was pregnant and had an outbreak. She had never been unfaithful to her husband, she figures she got it previously and had never had any issues until then. She never told her husband what it was, she told him it was a heat rash, but abstains from sex if she ever has an issue. Sure, a built in love test. No one is ever going to stick around long enough to get to the point of falling in love with me enough to be ok with it though. 

Lon, true that. The name is enough to repulse me, and I have it. That is really appalling that those teachers would behave that way! Crazy. Thats why its like, beyond nerve wracking having to tell men about this. Sure, they all say they are upstanding, and would never do that to me, never tell anyone else, but I know any one of them could be lying. I mean, how else would they explain it? "Hey why aren't you fking IBHFA?" What else could they say but "Because she's got the herps! EWWWW!!!" I am a damn fool to even pretend thats not exactly how it goes. Ouch. That was a realization I just came to.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Just wondering how you know you have it? Were you diagnosed with a blood test? Do you think it might be worth getting tested again?

Are you disclosing your status too soon, do you think? It's essential to disclose status before sexual contact, but maybe you're sharing the info before guys get a chance to get to know you and decide that being with you is worth taking a small risk.

Also, If you're distressed when you tell them, and talk about it as if it's leprosy and ruined your life, then it's understandable people might be scared off. 

However if you're calm, and talk about it like it's bad but not terrible, speak about your experience with it, and offer as much information on transmission rates and facts as you can, gents might be more likely to see that it's easy enough to avoid catching, and not something to be hysterical about.

Which country are you in, out of curiosity?

In any event, I think you might find a lot of benefit in learning to love and accept and value yourself, in spite of your affliction, and seeing it as a built in bullsh1t filter, as someone said earlier.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> For me personally, I could never be with someone who had herpes. Either kind creeps me out.... My sister who was quite, errrm... "adventurous" in her younger years had no problems finding guys (I don't know how/when she broke the news to them) and is on her second marriage.


Hmmm, my little sis is the same. For some reason my 2nd BIL is OK with her history. I'm glad it works out for her now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Are you disclosing your status too soon, do you think? It's essential to disclose status before sexual contact, but maybe you're sharing the info before guys get a chance to get to know you and decide that being with you is worth taking a small risk.


I have to agree

Illbehisfoolagain, you are honest, and this is good. But one can not be too honest; aka dropping the bomb too soon, if you want people to appreciate who you are before you tell them about your flaws.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I tell them after some times of kissing and petting, when I know its either time to say something, or just run away with no explanation. No, I don't just rush into it, but I am not the type that a man will court and wait for months to get to know me either. Plus, how could I act all prude and try to make a guy wait months to fall in love with me before getting it on with him, only to start disclosing things that will right away let him know that who I first made myself out to be to him, is not who I really am.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Well, thats what I am trying to say, is that recently (in the last couple years) I don't just put out right way, well haha, there really hasn't been any "putting out" at all, but you know what I mean.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Yeah :/ sorry...


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