# Moving forward



## LAM (May 4, 2012)

Hi, this is my first time here. About 1 1/2 years ago, I found text messages to my husband from different women that were sexual in content. I confronted him, and he said they were only text messages and nothing physical. He swore up and down that he was not having a physical affair and that he would stop.

Approx. six months later, I found more text messages, this time there were actual messages that made me believe that it was definitely physical. She said that they should try for the following week and that she missed him. Well, when I checked all his text messages, there were several different women. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, the pain was unbearable. I woke him up and confronted him and after a few HOURS, I got him to admit that he had been unfaithful. I'm sure any of you in this situation remember how it feels when you first find out. I was in shock to say the least. We talked for several hours that night and agreed to try and work things out. He told me that it was only about sex and there were no emotional ties to any of them.

For the next two month, things went well until I found out that he was still "calling" one of them. He said they had become good friends. He couldn't understand why I felt that he could NOT continue to be friends with someone he had slept with, so I kicked him out. In the days that followed, I was so angry and hurt and I checked out several of them on Facebook. I was shocked when I saw what they looked like. They didn't fit the typical stereotype of what the "other" women should look like. They weren't younger or prettier than me. They all looked older and were total opposite of me. I always thought men go younger and prettier, so I just can't understand this. I think if that were the case, I could at least get a better understanding of why he did this. He said that it was his ego, these women made him feel better about himself because they weren't that attractive, he said people are always complimenting me and sometimes he feels like he's invisible, I know this is not an excuse for him to cheat, but he said sometimes he feels like I am going to leave him for someone better.

In the time that he was gone, I actually called a few of them. They all said basically the same thing, it was just sex and that he loved me very much and he didn't understand why he was doing what he was doing. Two of them said he cried every time because he knew he was hurting me. 

After about a month of him calling and emailing, begging me for one last chance, I let him come home, with SEVERAL conditions. While he was gone, he saw a pastor and told him what he did and they have been talking on a weekly basis and he realized that he was wrong to even be talking to the one woman at all. He has given me total access to his phone records, email accounts, bank accounts, passwords, etc. He immediately changed his phone number. A friend's husband is a P.I., so he has been very helpful checking to see if he had any hidden email accounts, bank accounts, etc. and has found nothing. We have been going to counseling together and I really want to believe he has changed. He said he will spend the rest of his life proving to me that he is a changed man. He has become much more caring and knows when I am having a bad day and does everything he can to help me through it and answers any questions I may have as to phone calls to numbers I don't recognize on his bill. We go over them together if I have any concerns. He has done everything possible to help me through this and we do a lot more together than we ever have. 

I am trying to stay positive, but there are certain things that I find hard to let go of, mostly "WHY" he felt the need to do this. He says he is glad I found out, it was a relief because he felt very guilty about what he was doing. Of course, I ask him if he felt that guilty, why didn't he stop on his own. He says the main reason he started was he wanted to feel like he was still attractive, and I admit, maybe I should compliment him more, not that it's an excuse for him to do what he did.

It's been almost a year since I found out about the infidelity, and things have been going very well. During the time he was cheating, he seemed to be uptight, tense much of the time and several times he would pick a meaningless fight with me and it seemed like he was annoyed or mad at me a lot. I could never figure out why he was acting like that. He said he feels like a huge cloud has lifted over his head too because the guilt was too much and he would pick it out on me to make himself feel better about what he was doing to me. Now, he seems happier, and is rarely in a bad mood. We laugh a lot more together and have much more fun than we've had in several years. 

The worst part of this whole thing is that I haven't really had any one to talk to about this, I only told one friend, and she lives far away so it's hard to get emotional support over the phone. I haven't told my family, I know that my mom, in particular, would most likely hold a grudge and if things are going to work out, it would make it very awkward for everyone, so it's been especially hard for me dealing with this on my own, except for counseling. 

I want my marriage to work out, we've got 20 years invested. I am struggling with some thoughts of my own. Am I staying with him for the right reasons? One thing that kept me from getting an attorney right after I found out was for financial reasons. The economy is pretty bad right now and at first I thought, it will break us financially if he moves out and has to pay for an apartment. Then I was afraid of feeling like a loser for having a failed marriage and letting this happen to me in the first place. Now after some time has passed, I know that I would probably make it on my own, so that fear is gone. I still blame myself a tiny bit for what happened, but I know that he chose to cross that line.

I guess I just want to know that there can be life after an affair, that people who stay together can make it work out and come out of it with a better, stronger relationship than before. I do still love him, and sometimes I feel like an idiot for staying with someone who has done this to me, like I have no self-respect. If I didn't still love him, I would definitely be out of here. We've got a long history together and I truly want this to work out. This is the first time I was able to get this off my chest and speak about this publicly, so sorry that this post is so long!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am months out and things get better but I am not out of the woods by any stretch. There are those on here who are many years out and are doing better. One story I read a guy found out his wife had an EA and told him it never was a PA. 10 years later she said, I know you are over it but I want to tell you that I had sex three times with the OM. The guy divorsed her. He said that he gave her every chance to come clean 10 years ago and would have worked through the PA but he said it just brought up too many things and he did not want to work through it. 

I am married 28 years and perhaps that is the only reason I am working on it. There are days, even today, where I have thought is it worth it? I live apart from my wife during the week and have since last Oct. due to a promotion (her A started before this) and R is even more difficult for me due to this. The feelings of being an idiot is common. I am not sure that they ever go away. There are many reasons why we stay love being one of them.

I think in my case I would be further along the process if I would be with my wife during the week.

I am sorry you are here and feel free to vent. It is therapeutic.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am over three years post affair. My wife and I are more in tune with each other, more in love and happier than ever.
Three things have to happen, though. You need to forgive him. He needs to forgive himself. He needs to earn your trust back and that will take a while.
Read my stories in my signature. If you want feel free to PM me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it all depends on the WS and their willingness to make it work and do what's needed to help you heal and regain trust. (and also your ability to forgive but hold him accountable)

read both the newbie link and my story links


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## LAM (May 4, 2012)

Thorburn, I can relate to your problem about being away from your wife during the week. It seems like that is how our problems started. He had a job that required him to be out of town a few nights a week, though only a few hours away, but that is when this started.

I am not in the position to give advice, but you're right when you say that the healing process might go a little faster if you were there on a daily basis, but when jobs require travel or being away from home for any amount of time, it really can't be helped.

Just keep working at it when you are home and I really wish you the best.


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## LAM (May 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> it all depends on the WS and their willingness to make it work and do what's needed to help you heal and regain trust. (and also your ability to forgive but hold him accountable)
> 
> read both the newbie link and my story links



Wow, AR, I just read your story. I went through many of those same feelings. I wanted revenge, and contemplated having an affair to get back at him, but that's not who I am and it I knew it really wouldn't solve any of our problems, but boy, did I want to, just so he would know how it felt. 

For me, it almost felt like a death of a loved one, and in a way it was. It was the end of something cherished and no matter how good it may be again, it may never be as good as it was, I really hope I am wrong about this part.

I asked him for details, I thought maybe it would help me be a better wife. I asked him what these women did for him that I haven't been doing, was it hanging from the ceiling fan kind of wild sex, and he said it was nothing like that, I guess just the thrill of being with someone other than his wife, at least that is my guess. He doesn't want to give me details, he said he doesn't want to hurt me even more.

The worst part is that before his affairs, I truly believed that he was the most honest man I've ever know, including my own family members. He always was a very up front kind of person, in both business and his personal life. I figured if he ever even thought about having an affair, he would never act upon it, and if he did, it would bother him so much that he would come clean because he wouldn't be able to deal with the lies and the guilt. I was so wrong about that, that part hurts like crazy.

The women were all divorced or single, so unfortunately, I wasn't able to ruin their lives by telling their spouses, I really wanted to do that, I was so angry. One woman actually told me she went through the same thing with her husband. When I first confronted her, she denied everything, told me she was seeing some guy with a different name, and I told her phone records don't lie and I'm not as stupid as she thinks I am. Finally, she confessed and when she told me that her husband did it to her, I asked her how she could do this to another woman. She told me that you never know until you are put into that situation. I came back with "You put yourself into "that" situation. Nobody forced you to sleep with another woman's husband." For this, she had no answer.

The need for revenge has passed.....I think, but the hurt is still there. 

One of the worst things is that our son was 16 when all this went down and he just turned 17 and for years I've been telling him that I hope one day he meets and marries a nice girl and they have a happy marriage like his dad and I. I preached to him about treating a woman with respect and love, like his dad treats me. My husband has always been very respectful and has always treated me with love and respect before all this happened. He never, ever put me down in any way. So that is why this is also so hard to deal with, I feel sad that the man I most wanted my son to be like has let me down in the worst way possible. That breaks my heart.

I know you said you went through this with your parents and you found yourself comforting your mom, my son did the same, but I finally set him down and told him that he didn't have to worry about me anymore. I grew strong for him, he is ready to go off on his own in a few years and this is supposed to be the best few years of his life. I thank God that this hasn't permanently affected his life. He is doing much better and starting to reconnect with his dad.

We are all taking baby steps to get over this and all we can do is take things day by day and hopefully start to heal.

Thanks so much for your story, it is sad, hopeful and inspiring!


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## LAM (May 4, 2012)

DanF said:


> I am over three years post affair. My wife and I are more in tune with each other, more in love and happier than ever.
> Three things have to happen, though. You need to forgive him. He needs to forgive himself. He needs to earn your trust back and that will take a while.
> Read my stories in my signature. If you want feel free to PM me.


I hope to be there one day soon, it's been less than a year since I let him come back home. We have our ups and downs, but he is trying so hard and doing all the right things.

I am starting to forgive him, trying to trust him, that's much harder than forgiving. He is still trying to forgive himself. He is doing everything possible to earn back my trust.

One thing I told him is that I would NEVER beg him to stay with me. I would never beg someone to be with me if they didn't want to be there, I do still have some pride, I am not the type of woman to fight for a man who doesn't want her. When I first found out, I told him to leave and go be with any one of them. He told me over and over that it wasn't like that, it was all physical relationships, and I really do believe that. None of the messages I discovered were ever intimate, no I Love You's, nothing about leaving me, etc. The messages were mainly about when and where to hook up.

One positive thing that came out of this is that if it ever happens again, I know I will get through it and there is life after him. It hurts extremely bad the first time, but I am confident I will handle it much better and have a plan if there ever is a next time. I think I am much stronger now. I went from crying every day, to crying weekly, now it's mostly when certain memories, good or bad, are triggered. I am sleeping better, that took a while too.

The only thing I have regretted is not telling my family, my mom thinks I have this perfect life, in all other aspects, I guess I do, we have a beautiful son, great home and we really do get along very well. My brother and his wife are having serious issues of their own, and my mom just keeps saying how "lucky" I am to have such a great husband. Sometimes, I just want to scream and tell her the truth(Husband freaked out when I told him this, he doesn't want them to know, my family is Sicilian, he doesn't want to "sleep with the fishes" he said) It's kind of fun to watch him squirm just a little!

I thank all of you for your support and well wishes and for sharing your stories and I hope to be able to help someone else out one day and have a "positive" outcome to give them hope.

On a funnier note, it's good to be able to joke about something having to do with this, if anyone needs a good cell phone that can withstand being thrown down onto a tile floor or can take being thrown at a wall with great force, there is a great Motorola flip phone that is pretty indestructible


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Get yourselves into marriage counseling and hang out on the CWI boards. There are a lot of strong people there with good experience and good advice.

He seems to have indicated to you that his affair came from his insecurity. It's not your fault he chose to behave this way. You're not an idiot. And the things you've told your son still apply. Hopefully, your relationship will grow and develop positively once you have both addressed the issues in the marriage. Good Luck to you!


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