# Sex is not a priority to him



## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

I've been married to my husband for less than a year. We've had some problems which we're in counseling for, mainly with different ways of showing love and communication. But our lastluster sex life one of our bigger problems and has been since we've been married. We waited to have sex until our wedding night so it's not like it was great before we got married and then tapered off. The thing is I want it a lot more than he does. It's frustrating because he's usually only "in the mood" about 2-4 times a month whereas I'm in the mood 2-4 times a week. I've tried initiating, which sometimes works, but most of the time after an hour of putting the moves on him I've gotten nowhere. His computer gaming plays a big part in that because that's usually what's taking up his attention. We've talked about this issue multiple times but it never really seems to change. I've been trying less and less to initiate because I feel like I hardly ever get anywhere. In fact, half the time I start with "Do I have a chance?" Not very sexy. The times we do have sex are amazing. I just want them to happen more often. It's affecting my life because being rejected makes me feel ugly and I get distracted at work because sex is all I think about.

Any suggestions? Does anyone have any idea how I can have more success getting his attention?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

How old is he? Any chance he's pleasuring himself and has little energy left for you?


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

I am a 23 year old male. My honest guess is that he is masturbating a lot. If you decided to hold off on sex (which I honestly think has a lot of merit to it) I'm guessing he has survived the male condition by masturbating. Porn can be very addicting. I felt myself slipping into this pattern when I felt like I wasn't getting enough sex from my wife. Soon, I found myself unable to perform (or unwilling to put myself into a situation where I thought I might not be able to perform). There is so much porn out there that when you get caught up into looking at such a wide variety, sex with your wife just isn't as exciting. I realized the dangers and have stopped. I am a very strong person so this wasn't difficult, but porn can be highly addictive to many. I would first be more observant with him. Then possibly bring it up if you have valid suspicions. I wouldn't suggest snooping at this point, give him then change to admit it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

"Do I have a chance?" That's worked for me over ten years. Seriously, you can work this situation, but you have to be dedicated and creative. The force is with you.


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## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

He's 31 so I don't think his age is a big factor.

I also don't think that porn is factoring in. I asked about his view on porn before we got married and he was completely against it for religious reasons.

I'm not sure how much he masturbates. I've never seen him do it. When we made the decision to wait I used masturbation to tide myself over but as soon as we got married it was no comparision to sex.

I've been trying different things to get his attention. It's just after getting rejected so many times it's harder to keep trying but I know that if I stop trying it will cause even more problems. I wear linguire to bed and sometimes I wonder why I even bother because he usually doesn't come to bed until hours after I've gone to bed and he's still sleeping when I get up.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

sgts_wife said:


> He's 31 so I don't think his age is a big factor.
> 
> I also don't think that porn is factoring in. I asked about his view on porn before we got married and he was completely against it for religious reasons.
> 
> ...


What a cruel, cruel world. I would give anything to be in your husbands position with a wife like you....many men would say the same thing.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

If he's 30 and not interested in sex, he's beating it like it owes him money.


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## muzictchr (Jun 11, 2010)

I know that my husband is addicted to porn. I have found so many empty lotion and vaseline jars in our downstairs bathroom. That's why we don't have sex at all. It's probably been over a year, I almost feel like cheating at this point. I am not suggesting you do that, but something has got to give.


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## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

MrRomantic said:


> What a cruel, cruel world. I would give anything to be in your husbands position with a wife like you....many men would say the same thing.


Yeah, that thought has crossed my mind. My situation is such a stereotype reversal.

I'm curious so I'm going to run a little poll. I'm especially interested in what the guys have to say.

Here's the story. A man is hanging out with his buddies when he gets a call from his wife who's just leaving work, has been honry all day and really wants to have sex with him. Most guys would:
a) Rush home.
b) Spend a bit more time with his buddies before heading home
c) Not get home until 10pm when his wife's been home since 4pm.

You can probably guess my husband's answer was (c).


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Are you meeting his "emotional needs"? Is the house cleaned to his satisfaction? Do you help with the financial planning? Have you helped with yard work or washing the car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Most guys who are 31 years old want sex whether their needs are being met or not. In fact, that's probably the number 1 need, and by a wide margin over number 2. I know this is a generalization and there are some guys of that age who aren't interested in sex, but once again, that's a small minority. Most guys are going to choose answer a) to the question you posted above. Does he have erection problems when you do have sex? Does he wake up in the morning with an erection? The probability of low T at his age is pretty small, but it's not something that can be ruled out entirely.

I know you say he's against viewing porn, but how much time does he spend on the computer unmonitored. He may be doing it anyway, or maybe he just finds maturbation to be easier (I don't understand this line of thinking, btw, but apparently some guys do). Check his computer and see what he's been doing online. If he's deleting the history, you'll know why you're having this problem.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

A of course!!!

There's either a medical problem or he is addicted to porn


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## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

I'm trying to meet his emotional needs. I've asked him several times what I can do to make his life easier and whether there is something he wants or needs from me. I take his answers seriously. Of course I know I still might not be fulfilling him but it isn't for lacking of trying.
Right now he's doing most of the housework because he's waiting on orders, so effectively out-of-work. His standard of clean isn't as high as mine but right now I'm just happy I don't have to do all the housework. I do all the cooking though.
I absolutely help with the financial planning. We sit down and talk about our budget and finances about every month and as things arise and I check our online banking almost every day.
We live in a townhome so we don't have a yard; just my garden which I take care of myself. We usually go to the car wash so that's not really an issue. He does do all the oil changes and other repairs to the cars because I know very little about cars.

He sometimes does have a bit of an erection problem but there's only been one time when it prevented us from having sex. Nope, as far as I know he's never woken up with an erection.
He does spend a fair amount of time on the computer (between 8-20 hours a week roughly) but mainly it's because of his gaming. He is on when I'm not around so I know the opportunity exists for him to view porn but when I mentioned it before he had such a strong reaction to it that I kind of doubt it. I think I will check his history though.

Of course there is the possibility he's just not really attracted to me in that way.

We talked about this situation last night and he said sex was a 7 out of 10 in importance. I'm going to put the moves on him more and maybe that will help. I started intiating less because I got tired of always chasing him down. We're in counseling for our other issues and hopefully that helps this area and we can talk about our sex life to the counselor, although he's a pretty private person so he may not be comfortable with that.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

sgts wife, you say you are trying to meet his needs, but do you know what his top needs are? Needs that foster romantic feelings are kind of like buying someone a gift. My wife could buy me designer clothes every week, but if I don't like designer clothes, she should have been buying me something else. Once again, though, most guys don't need a lot of priming to be coaxed into bed.

I agree with MrRomantic on this though. Take a look at his computer. I'll bet he doesn't have a medical issue.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I bet he loves computer porn and masterbates like crazy. Your a bit naive by the sounds of it.

Another approach might be to back off a bit. He might be put off by what he perceives as "pressure". Plus being a marine he might not like the fact he's not being the "man" in the situation and controlling this facet.

BTW most men wake up with erections. Testesterone production peaks at around 4 am and that's why most guys wake up with a nice woodie.


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## sgts_wife (May 26, 2010)

FOM -- I can't say with certainty what his top needs are. That's partly why we're in counseling. I have been asking him over the course of our marriage if I'm meeting his needs and what I can do if I'm not. I definitely want to know. The counseling's been helping. I've learned more about him and how he feels and receives love.

brad -- Maybe I am naive but to be honest you sound a bit cynical. I HAVE tried backing off; I backed off for two months and he only wanted sex every two weeks. I definitely want it more than that. Yes, he is a Marine but he's also a pretty laid back guy. I believe the man should be the leader and head of the household and he has the final say in all decisions and pays all the bills. I'm not trying to take away his manliness; I just want to make love to him more.

We had a long talk about this a week ago and it's been getting better. I've been putting the moves on him more and he's been responding to it.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Sixgunner said:


> If he's 30 and not interested in sex, he's beating it like it owes him money.


:rofl: :rofl: :lol:

I'm sorry....I know this is a serious issue. BUT...that answer just made me spit Diet Coke all over my screen. :allhail:

I agree with MrRomantic. Your Husband, and my wife would be PERFECT together.  Just kidding...but it IS cruel, isn't it?


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

sgts_wife said:


> Yeah, that thought has crossed my mind. My situation is such a stereotype reversal.
> 
> I'm curious so I'm going to run a little poll. I'm especially interested in what the guys have to say.
> 
> ...


I'd probably run over the buddies, in my haste to get home.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

sgts_wife said:


> FOM -- I can't say with certainty what his top needs are. That's partly why we're in counseling. I have been asking him over the course of our marriage if I'm meeting his needs and what I can do if I'm not. I definitely want to know. The counseling's been helping. I've learned more about him and how he feels and receives love.
> 
> brad -- Maybe I am naive but to be honest you sound a bit cynical. I HAVE tried backing off; I backed off for two months and he only wanted sex every two weeks. I definitely want it more than that. Yes, he is a Marine but he's also a pretty laid back guy. I believe the man should be the leader and head of the household and he has the final say in all decisions and pays all the bills. I'm not trying to take away his manliness; I just want to make love to him more.
> 
> We had a long talk about this a week ago and it's been getting better. I've been putting the moves on him more and he's been responding to it.


I reread my post and failed to see any cynacism in the post. I'm sorry it upset you.

I have been married 7 years and have sex is our main issue. I think marriage just has a lot of ups and downs like life. You just have to ride it out and get to know each other real well.

That being said my gut feeling is porn is likely his biggest companion right now. He can jack it to a different gal every day. You might seem a bit boring to him.


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