# Sex Advice, please



## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

So, my soon to be ex husband and I have been split for 4 months. We haven't completed our divorce yet, but are working towards that. Before we split, he had met another woman, and during the first couple of months, they were meeting up, "sexting" and who knows what else. He says they haven't had sex, they have kissed and "messed around" a bit. Well, I have been on a stone cold dry spell, which is ok with me. But, in the last 6 weeks, I have been talking with an old guy friend and we are both attracted to each other. He's supposed to come have dinner and watch movies at my place this weekend, I don't know what to expect. I got married young and never had many dates, my husband is the only guy I have ever had sex with, I feel like I am going into uncharted territory. On top of that, morally I feel wrong about even thinking about sleeping with this guy, because I am still technically married. I do like this guy on many levels, he's smart, kind, hard working, genuine, handsome...and I think he feels similar about me. I could really use some insights here. Totally lost, I don't want to regret anything, whether that be having sex, or not having sex. I don't want to feel guilty, but my STBX has already moved on apparently...so should I hold on to nothing?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

87 if you think your ready then take it slow....look at this point there is no marriage except on paper...so if he has moved on so why not you.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You feel morally wrong because it IS morally wrong. Follow your conscience. Wait until you are no longer married. 

Follow the correct path into a new relationship. Wait at least year before doing anything "serious" with a new SO. 

What your STBX has done or has not done has no relevance to your own sense of right and wrong. Please, don't stuff
your fist in the face of your conscience. You will feel guilty, and that guilt will carry forward into your next marriage, should
you decide to re-marry, which you will have every good right to do when you have become divorced.

If there is indeed a next marriage for you, arrive there with a clear conscience. And, don't latch on to the first guy coming
your way, that is, until you have "gotten past" your previous marriage. This will give you the best chance at happiness
and satisfaction in any next marriage.

"Rebound" relationships never turn out very well. Because, they are based upon the needs of at least one grieving person (maybe 2).
As the grief period subsides, serious incompatibilities between the two people begin to "show up"...."we don't know what happened...
it _felt_ so right...." - and, alas, it felt right because it sufficed a TEMPORARY need in the people which is no longer there after the
grief.

If there has already been sex, the people are bonded. That bond cannot be broken without psychological damage. If they stay together,
they wish they hadn't. If they break up, the grief begins again. The sexual bond, in many cases, causes people to marry each other when
perhaps, the marriage shouldn't have been entered.



Ixy87 said:


> I don't want to regret anything, whether that be having sex, or not having sex.


Think about it this way..... it's better to suffer for doing right than for doing wrong. Personally, I think you won't regret not having sex, because I
can't think of any reasons why you would, other than you missed a bit of fun. But there are myriad reasons why you might regret having sex.


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think you have any moral obligation to stay faithful in a marriage that has effectively ended. 

Whether you want to have sex with this guy is up to you. If you care about each other it might be really nice, especially after a long period of dissatisfaction with your ex.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> So, my soon to be ex husband and I have been split for 4 months. We haven't completed our divorce yet, but are working towards that. Before we split, he had met another woman, and during the first couple of months, they were meeting up, "sexting" and who knows what else. He says they haven't had sex, they have kissed and "messed around" a bit. Well, I have been on a stone cold dry spell, which is ok with me. But, in the last 6 weeks, I have been talking with an old guy friend and we are both attracted to each other. He's supposed to come have dinner and watch movies at my place this weekend, I don't know what to expect. I got married young and never had many dates, my husband is the only guy I have ever had sex with, I feel like I am going into uncharted territory. On top of that, morally I feel wrong about even thinking about sleeping with this guy, because I am still technically married. I do like this guy on many levels, he's smart, kind, hard working, genuine, handsome...and I think he feels similar about me. I could really use some insights here. Totally lost, I don't want to regret anything, whether that be having sex, or not having sex. I don't want to feel guilty, but my STBX has already moved on apparently...so should I hold on to nothing?



If you feel morally wrong, you are correct and go with your instinct reaction.


I would wait until you're divorced, take a bit of time for yourself to recover and then start seriously seeing this other guy if you're interested. Otherwise, probably from being lonely, hurt and more a rebound relationship.


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Maybe I am a bit old fashioned....I don't know and I don't care in regards to this topic.

If you don't listen to your inner voice, you will always question whether you did the right thing or not, even if you did. 

Your inner voice is screaming at you, but the world is telling you to do it. That's my take on it. Your husband has "moved on", you are free, it's your time, it's time to see what you have been missing...etc, etc, etc. All just noise that will undermine your personal strength and recovery. 

You want to come out of this a whole, healed person who is self confident and will make choices that will lead to a happy, secure life. Why introduce all the drama and feelings that come along with having sex with someone to (temporarily) boost your ego?

JMHO


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Bang his brains out. Great sex makes life worth living. Tell him, you haven't been with a real man in forever and for him to take control.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You're an adult. Do what you want and don't do what you don't want. 

As long as you are safe, responsible and respectful to each other, you are both adults and can do what you want.

As far as your ex - who cares? He's out of the house, with another woman and aware that you are divorcing right?
So who cares that the courthouse hasn't got their paperwork caught up yet? He is a non factor and fact that the courthouse hasn't updated the paperwork on your marriage yet is also a non factor.

If you are horny and want to have sex, tear into him like you both are going to die young.

If he turns out to not trip your trigger, wish him well and call it a night.

It's meeting another person for dinner, let's not make it any more than that and let's not get all 'frady cat and worry about things that aren't even on the radar scope yet.

And don't let a bunch of church ladies and people afraid the sky is falling every time they hear someone has a date that they don't feel 100% secure about frighten you will tales of doom and despair. 

You're a big girl now and can do what you feel is right for you and you don't have to do what you don't want.

Don't make decisions based on "what if?s" or based on other people's hang ups.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Bang his brains out. Great sex makes life worth living. Tell him, you haven't been with a real man in forever and for him to take control.


..... Unless you want to be in control in which case pin him down, make him your b1+ch and ride him like Secretariat ;-)


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And to all the other posters ; this is a sane, sober, adult woman who has had relationship experience and a prior sex life. And this is a dinner date with a man she has known previously and with whom she has some level of interest and attraction.

She's not meeting some stranger off of Craigslist under a downtown bridge. 

Her STBX H has filed/been served papers, is out of the marital home and is involved with a new woman. It takes the courthouse time to get all the legal matters squared away before it can officially dissolve the marriage legally. 

It is her perogative as an adult and based on her own moral and ethical code, beliefs and values on how she proceeds with her personal life. 

If she wants to date, have sex, whatever, she can. If she doesn't want to or does not believe this is the time, place or person, she does not have to. 

It is that simple.

What's taking place here is she has a case of the Nervous-Nellie's over an upcoming date. Guess what? We all have that. I've been married 22 years and I still feel a little nervousness and apprehension and anticipation before the date. That's perfectly normal and one of the things that makes life interesting and keeps us on our toes.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sounds like a good guy, if it gets hot and heavy tell him you are wanting to take it it slow and you will be ready but right now you are not. If he is a good guy he will understand and respect that your not looking to just jump another mans bones and you are a keeper.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your marriage is a legal technicality only. I don't think most people would fault you for dating while you're waiting for the judge to sign off on the divorce as the marriage is definitely over in all other respects. However, what others think doesn't matter. It's what you think that matters. If its the voices of others in your head that tell you it's wrong, well, figure out what your inner voice is saying. If it's your inner voice that says "Don't! It's wrong!" then heed that voice.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If your ready then your ready!


----------



## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Wow! reading your story is like my wife telling that story, the only different is that we are not divorced. She cheated on me with an older guy too. She always had a thing for older guys. All started by just spending time together with the other guy by watching a movie or having just "dinner" and one thing led to the other. The other guy was tender, caring, loving, charming, mature and everything else you see in that other man. Not like I was abusive or mistreated her, but at some point our marriage went cold years before. But still, reading your story it's like seeing my wife going through the same dilemma. I was her first and only man she's been with for 17 years and she was very hesitant to sleep with that man. She started giving that guy tasks just to see if he was worth the cheat. She told him if he wanted to sleep with her she needed a paper from his doctor that he passed some HIV test. The poor guy went through all that process just to become her lover for the next 3 years while I was working hard to support her and our kids which of course didn't mean anything to her.. Being a Christian woman didn't stop her. Being a mother to 3 kids didn't stop her neither. Nothing did. I never been in the desert, but they say when you're there for days without water, you start seeing Oasis with water everywhere that are not real. My wife was starving for love I denied to her for many years and she was hurt for that. She saw this charming man willing to give her everything she was craving about. The desire to feel like a woman again.
I just wish I could put her here to answer you that question or give her opinion/advise.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now I remember some if your other threads. 

I'll address a few of your points a little more specifically.

Responses in bold below.





Ixy87 said:


> So, my soon to be ex husband and I have been split for 4 months. We haven't completed our divorce yet, but are working towards that. Before we split, he had met another woman, and during the first couple of months, they were meeting up, "sexting" and who knows what else. He says they haven't had sex, they have kissed and "messed around" a bit.
> 
> *adult men don't date women for 4+ months unless they are sexually active. They especially don't leave their wives and children unless they are getting it from the OW. Let's not be naive and gullible here. What cheaters do do however is lie all the time about pretty much everything. So if he says it, he's lying about it. If you assume everything that comes out if his mouth is a lie, deception or manipulation, you will be right the vast majority of the time. *
> 
> ...


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> He's supposed to come have dinner and watch movies at my place this weekend, I don't know what to expect.


There's only one reason you invite a man to your place, so I think you do know what to expect actually.

What you're not certain of is if you are ready.

If you have to question and are uncertain, then you're not ready.

As others suggested, I think you should give yourself more time to heal, or you could end up being hurt. And you might not be prepared for that so soon. But you must do what you think is right.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ixy87 said:


> So, my soon to be ex husband and I have been split for 4 months. We haven't completed our divorce yet, but are working towards that. Before we split, he had met another woman, and during the first couple of months, they were meeting up, "sexting" and who knows what else. He says they haven't had sex, they have kissed and "messed around" a bit. Well, I have been on a stone cold dry spell, which is ok with me. But, in the last 6 weeks, I have been talking with an old guy friend and we are both attracted to each other. He's supposed to come have dinner and watch movies at my place this weekend, I don't know what to expect. I got married young and never had many dates, my husband is the only guy I have ever had sex with, I feel like I am going into uncharted territory. On top of that, morally I feel wrong about even thinking about sleeping with this guy, because I am still technically married. I do like this guy on many levels, he's smart, kind, hard working, genuine, handsome...and I think he feels similar about me. I could really use some insights here. Totally lost, I don't want to regret anything, whether that be having sex, or not having sex. I don't want to feel guilty, but my STBX has already moved on apparently...so should I hold on to nothing?


IMO soon to be EX ... if that is really the case, then legally married is a matter of paperwork. Rock it.


----------

