# got some packing done today



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I woke up early in a spitfire mood this morning. Popped off some nasty remarks when I walked into the living room and woke up hubby, who was sleeping on the sofa. I had cried myself to sleep the night before and I suppose that's what did it to me.

I called a friend who came over and helped me pack some. It was the most I've done in the 3 weeks since telling hubby I was leaving. It's definitely the maddest I've been. I don't want to leave my marriage, but I'm accepting a little more each day that I don't much have a choice.

Being mad at hubby kept the pain at bay. I was able to function, and even be pretty productive. These last 3 weeks I have been battling falling into a depression. 

But of course tonight he was angry at me for being p*ssy all day at him. HE of ALL people should KNOW that being mad sure as heck beats being hurt! 

He, yet again, told me he didn't love me as a wife anymore. But tonight he cried. It's the first time I've seen any emotion from him whatsoever in the past 3 weeks. We talked, and of course, now I've gone from being mad and productive to bawling and miserable. 

The stupid thing is, if he asked me to, I would stay. But he doesn't seem to want to work on things anymore. He said he regrets losing me. Whatever that means. 

When I get like this, I think about just begging him to work it out, to try one more time. (That's what I usually do.....things have never gotten this far before!) He's told me in the past that my begging makes him change his mind because he feels guilty. He admits to putting me and the kids through emotional hell, but I keep hanging on to the 12 year marriage because I love him and am too dependent. (Something I am working on.)

I wish I could figure my own head/heart out. Or at least get them to agree with each other. I don't really know what I want. I am looking forward to going back home when we leave, and the possibility of maybe in several years finding someone who will love and care for me without "punishing" me all the time. But then I always flop back and think I wish it was my HUSBAND who could be that person for me. 

He doesn't want to change badly enough. He said he's tired of trying too. He said he can't get along with me, we just don't get along. We are too different. ??? I've told him (and he agrees 110%) that HE'S the one who's been pushing me away since day one. 

I can't deal with the hurt anymore of being in this marriage. But I can't seem to deal with the hurt of getting out of it either.....


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

You are not too dependant. You can do this and you are getting through it. You got some packing done! that's a big step.


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