# Advice on cuckold



## LittleMomma1980 (Jun 1, 2020)

So my fiance loves the idea of cuckold. At first I was ok with his fantasy because everyone has fantasies. We only talk about it while we have sex. However that's all he will talk about while we have sex. He also will use a bigger toy with me while he is talking about his fantasy. I have told him that I would like to have sex just us and to be able to be loving during sex. I don't want to use the toy or to even talk about me sleeping with someone else. We use to have the most intimate loving sex until he told me about this and I agreed to participate in the fantasy. Why is he so hooked on this fantasy? How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have? He seems so only be able to get off if we talk about this. Please don't be judgemental or hateful back to this. I am really wanting advice on turning out relationship back to being intimate and loving while having sex. He really is a great man. He treats me really good, doesn't get aggressive about things, opens doors for me, stands up for me even when I am wrong, and etc. I just don't know why he likes this so much.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your soon to be needs to keep it a fantasy. Find a man who respects you and your body.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I had a similar situation happen to me. I wanted more fantasy as part of sex with my wife, and when she welcomed it a couple times, I started to bring it up often. In my mind (maybe same for your soon to be hubby), it was exciting and something I really enjoyed, so kept going back to it. My wife was ok with it, but only on occasion and not as often as I was trying. Once we talked about it, and agreed that was "play" for certain occasions and not all the time, it worked out well for both of us. Maybe you can suggest something similar?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If he has a fetish that he needs you to fulfill for him to get off, this is a pretty big red flag... unless you’re into that same fetish. Which you aren’t.

But as a dude that has some fairly wide ranging tastes, needing any particular thing to want to have sex for a lifetime would be a dealbreaker, even if I was into it right now.

Don’t do it. Reconsider the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mmhickok said:


> So my fiance loves the idea of cuckold. At first I was ok with his fantasy because everyone has fantasies. We only talk about it while we have sex. However that's all he will talk about while we have sex. He also will use a bigger toy with me while he is talking about his fantasy. I have told him that I would like to have sex just us and to be able to be loving during sex. I don't want to use the toy or to even talk about me sleeping with someone else. We use to have the most intimate loving sex until he told me about this and I agreed to participate in the fantasy. Why is he so hooked on this fantasy? How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have? He seems so only be able to get off if we talk about this. Please don't be judgemental or hateful back to this. I am really wanting advice on turning out relationship back to being intimate and loving while having sex. He really is a great man. He treats me really good, doesn't get aggressive about things, opens doors for me, stands up for me even when I am wrong, and etc. I just don't know why he likes this so much.


Does he watch a lot of porn?

I'm wondering if he finds porn more stimulating than sex with a live, breathing woman. So he's putting you into a virtual porn film.

Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? If so, what does he say?


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## LittleMomma1980 (Jun 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Does he watch a lot of porn?
> 
> I'm wondering if he finds porn more stimulating than sex with a live, breathing woman. So he's putting you into a virtual porn film.
> 
> Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? If so, what does he say?


Yeah he watches a lot of porn. He is saying he will stop or at least slow down watching the porn. I keep telling him that is why he is so stuck on this. I am talking to him tonight again that's why I was getting advice so I know how to explain how I feel and how to suggest that it's ok sometimes but not all the time. I am just really big about not shaming or being judgemental on people and him especially. Just respectfully tell him because he is respectful to me. I think it's just new fantasy for him so he is excited about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Porn addiction. Do you question if this might escalate into something more? What other fantasies your fiance may want you to fulfill in the future?


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## LittleMomma1980 (Jun 1, 2020)

I guess I never thought of that. I know that we both really do love one another and that he wouldn't ever hurt me and that if I get real with him and tell him that it's hurting me feeling wise that he will take a look at that. I just don't know how to bring it all up because I am very blunt person and I come across aggressive sometimes and I feel that would be mean since he has trusted me with telling me. I just don't want to shame him bc I know everyone has fantasy and don't want to say he is wrong for having that just maybe in the whole fantasy and watching needs to probably stop for a bit


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with you about being non judgmental. You never want to shame him and make him feel like he can’t talk to you about things. 

But also, if he keeps heading down the road of fantasy is the new reality, then he will never be satisfied with regular sex. I’m sure you know that when you like a higher intensity or kinkier type of sex, and that’s all you think about and watch porn to, and are excited about, soon you will require that level of sex every time in order to sustain sex. And then from there is gets kinkier and kinkier. 

I’m all about sexual freedom and kinks and having fun, but when it becomes the new normal and NEEDED to enjoy sex, then it’s a problem. 

I know that you all ready know this stuff. So the thing is, you are going to have to get your partner to really understand this, to the point of him not wanting to ruin sex in the future, but doing it In a non judgemental way. 

The problem is, some people just don’t believe you. I’ve met plenty of guys who were addicted to porn and regular girls and regular sex doesn’t get the aroused. When I talk to other people about this, they are like oh no that doesn’t happen... blah blah blah. And they carry on their merry way destroying their future sex lives with frequent intense porn use.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mmhickok said:


> How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have?


Your husband's fantasy is likely driven by fear of abandonment. The idea is with this fantasy is that he needs to be in control of his fear and try to validate it in such a way that he knows you will be happy AND stay with him. 

OK, reverse engineer that! You want simple and natural. You want it to be just him. It will not be easy... expand on this fantasy in a way that forces him to confront his fear of abandonment without the need for another person. Pretend you get the most aroused without anyone and just being alone by yourself. Pretend you are fully capable of pleasuring yourself and just really enjoy your own alone time. Tell him that you would often prefer to just pleasure yourself alone than to be with him (you validated his fear and removed the 3rd party). Request if you can just start allowing sex to be that way in your marriage but that you would be OK giving him pitty sex every now and then as long as he promises to keep it simple. 

Eventually you may be able to transform his fantasy into a mild form of tease and denial. Then you are in charge and with some clever playfulness you can keep things natural and simple for the most part.

Hope that helps. 

Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Oh and I wanted to say... he will clearly get his fantasies elsewhere if you don’t do them, and I mean that by saying if you don’t give him what he wants, he will go to porn to get what he wants. BUT that is why he needs to transform him own mind into realizing this is a every once in a while thing, not the normal everyday thing. Because being with someone like that is exhausting and selfish... always having to do what they want in fear of them going elsewhere, or it’s all you can get from them sexually. 
My point is, remember that you are a person too and you have needs, and your needs are to make love and connect during sex in a way that YOU want. Your needs are just as important as his. And how he handles this situation will tell you a lot about him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mmhickok said:


> I guess I never thought of that. I know that we both really do love one another and that he wouldn't ever hurt me and that if I get real with him and tell him that it's hurting me feeling wise that he will take a look at that. I just don't know how to bring it all up because I am very blunt person and I come across aggressive sometimes and I feel that would be mean since he has trusted me with telling me. I just don't want to shame him bc I know everyone has fantasy and don't want to say he is wrong for having that just maybe in the whole fantasy and watching needs to probably stop for a bit


 You need to set your boundaries with him. You are not shaming him when setting your boundaries. Some fantasies should remain as one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mmhickok said:


> Yeah he watches a lot of porn. He is saying he will stop or at least slow down watching the porn. I keep telling him that is why he is so stuck on this. I am talking to him tonight again that's why I was getting advice so I know how to explain how I feel and how to suggest that it's ok sometimes but not all the time. I am just really big about not shaming or being judgemental on people and him especially. Just respectfully tell him because he is respectful to me. I think it's just new fantasy for him so he is excited about it.


How long have you two dated?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mmhickok said:


> I guess I never thought of that. I know that we both really do love one another and that he wouldn't ever hurt me and that if I get real with him and tell him that it's hurting me feeling wise that he will take a look at that. I just don't know how to bring it all up because I am very blunt person and I come across aggressive sometimes and I feel that would be mean since he has trusted me with telling me. I just don't want to shame him bc I know everyone has fantasy and don't want to say he is wrong for having that just maybe in the whole fantasy and watching needs to probably stop for a bit


It’s not “mean” to tell him that although you will oblige his fantasy, it’s not your fantasy and you don’t want to only have sex that one way.

Also there’s no shaming in what you are saying. You’ve already shown him that his fantasy is ok with you. All you need to say is that it’s fine sometimes but not all the time. This should not be a difficult conversation. It should be loving and open and addressing both of your desires.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Mmhickok said:


> So my fiance loves the idea of cuckold. At first I was ok with his fantasy because everyone has fantasies. We only talk about it while we have sex. However that's all he will talk about while we have sex. He also will use a bigger toy with me while he is talking about his fantasy. I have told him that I would like to have sex just us and to be able to be loving during sex. I don't want to use the toy or to even talk about me sleeping with someone else. We use to have the most intimate loving sex until he told me about this and I agreed to participate in the fantasy. Why is he so hooked on this fantasy? How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have? He seems so only be able to get off if we talk about this. Please don't be judgemental or hateful back to this. I am really wanting advice on turning out relationship back to being intimate and loving while having sex. He really is a great man. He treats me really good, doesn't get aggressive about things, opens doors for me, stands up for me even when I am wrong, and etc. I just don't know why he likes this so much.


If you have a “date” set — put it on hold. Don’t start a marriage on this type of footing. And trust me - nothing you do or say is going to change him back. I mean nothing. You are probably just seeing the “real fiancé”. I can only image what other behaviors he is hiding or holding back on. Move forward but only if you truly want to marry a guy that is into being cucked.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Over the course of my life, I've been with THREE guys who have this fantasy.

Two only occasionally watched porn, so clearly, "porn addiction" was NOT to blame for their fetish/fantasy. The third one watched it more than the other two.

I think you're making a big mistake trying to blame "porn addiction" for his cuckolding fantasy. Women love to blame porn for *everything*. He clearly has a fetish for cuckolding and it's NOT going to magically just go away even if he does tone down his porn viewing (which he may or may not do - but he'll tell YOU he has). He'll likely just have to start pretending he's not that into it anymore because he knows you're not going to make it a reality for him. But that will still very much be a fantasy for him.

You'll eventually learn that you can't control a man's sexual fantasies, preferences and needs just because you don't agree with them.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

His fantasies will not go away. If you are uncomfortable with it, now is the time to leave. There is nothing wrong with admitting incompatibility.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree that fetish /fantasy, whatever does not move easily. I've said before that I had trouble understanding why this one was attractive to me. There is much about it that turns me off. Sometimes I think it is a way of dealing with fear of betrayal. but I didn't have this at 20 or 30. Only as much older. I suspect that the reasons behind it are a various as the people who fantasize it. Personally I highly recommend that he find a way to replace that with something healthier. Me as well.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mmhickok said:


> So my fiance loves the idea of cuckold. At first I was ok with his fantasy because everyone has fantasies. We only talk about it while we have sex. However that's all he will talk about while we have sex. He also will use a bigger toy with me while he is talking about his fantasy. I have told him that I would like to have sex just us and to be able to be loving during sex. I don't want to use the toy or to even talk about me sleeping with someone else. We use to have the most intimate loving sex until he told me about this and I agreed to participate in the fantasy. Why is he so hooked on this fantasy? How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have? He seems so only be able to get off if we talk about this. Please don't be judgemental or hateful back to this. I am really wanting advice on turning out relationship back to being intimate and loving while having sex. He really is a great man. He treats me really good, doesn't get aggressive about things, opens doors for me, stands up for me even when I am wrong, and etc. I just don't know why he likes this so much.


What exactly is he looking for here? is he wanting to go the whole 9 yards and have you engage in sex with another man while he watches, denied your touch during it? Or is it just you talking about the hypothetical other man, while teasing and denying him? Are we talking full chastity, or just implied?

How long has this been going on? If this has been a relatively recent thing, then he's might be dealing with the equivalent of NRE. It's new and exciting. How much have you done this with him? Has he expressed how much is his need? Are you only scratching the surface of his fantasy, so he doesn't really get the full experience, at least as he see it? And that's not meant to be any kind of accusation, but an attempt to determine where the two of you are with the expectations of this. For that matter, have you two actually sat down and discussed the fantasy outside of sexy fun time?



Mmhickok said:


> Yeah he watches a lot of porn. He is saying he will stop or at least slow down watching the porn. I keep telling him that is why he is so stuck on this. I am talking to him tonight again that's why I was getting advice so I know how to explain how I feel and how to suggest that it's ok sometimes but not all the time. *I am just really big about not shaming or being judgemental on people and him especially.* Just respectfully tell him because he is respectful to me. I think it's just new fantasy for him so he is excited about it.


This is a very good thing, as others have noted. Do consider looking at professional help. Not that you all necessarily need a lot of relationship counseling in and of itself, although a little seems warranted. But some aid on how to communicate effectively and non-judgmentally is good. Even when we think we are not being judgmental, the one we are talking about might still see it that way. 
And it's as much on them to let you know how what you said made them feel. It does take practice to say things in a "this is how I feel" way instead of a "you made me feel this" way. The latter is more accusing and can shut down an discussion and turn it into an argument.



Mmhickok said:


> I guess I never thought of that. I know that we both really do love one another and that he wouldn't ever hurt me and that if I get real with him and tell him that it's hurting me feeling wise that he will take a look at that. I just don't know how to bring it all up because I am very blunt person and I come across aggressive sometimes and I feel that would be mean since he has trusted me with telling me. I just don't want to shame him bc I know everyone has fantasy and *don't want to say he is wrong for having that *just maybe in the whole fantasy and watching needs to probably stop for a bit


Just make sure you put it in terms of the kink does nothing for you, or even be honest enough if it repulses you. As long as you talk about how it affects you, you are not judging his desire for it.

As others have said, you are absolutely right to set your boundaries, as is he. It is also a good thing to express to each others your desires and fantasies, even the small ones. You could always do a check list of activities, just to see where you two sit with things. You might discover something new to try, or learn that you have certain desires in common. It is not a substitute for an actual conversation, but it can help start one or several. You two might also consider postponing a date, if set, just to ensure compatibility. If either has a need, and not just a desire, and you can't come to common ground on it, either between you or in an open relationship, it's something you have to seriously consider. If you want I can recommend a relationship councilor who does phone and online sessions. Since they deal with kink as well, they can address both communication as well as cuckold specifically.


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## davepaul (Oct 12, 2019)

Mmhickok said:


> So my fiance loves the idea of cuckold. At first I was ok with his fantasy because everyone has fantasies. We only talk about it while we have sex. However that's all he will talk about while we have sex. He also will use a bigger toy with me while he is talking about his fantasy. I have told him that I would like to have sex just us and to be able to be loving during sex. I don't want to use the toy or to even talk about me sleeping with someone else. We use to have the most intimate loving sex until he told me about this and I agreed to participate in the fantasy. Why is he so hooked on this fantasy? How do I get us back to the loving and intimate sex we use to have? He seems so only be able to get off if we talk about this. Please don't be judgemental or hateful back to this. I am really wanting advice on turning out relationship back to being intimate and loving while having sex. He really is a great man. He treats me really good, doesn't get aggressive about things, opens doors for me, stands up for me even when I am wrong, and etc. I just don't know why he likes this so much.



How long has it been since he brought up the cuckold kink? Maybe he's going through a phase right now that will fizzle out at some point. Maybe he had other girlfriends who weren't into it and now he's really excited that you have played along. If you're okay with occasionally playing along, perhaps you should tell him it's okay once in a while, but not something you want to be doing all the time. Tell him you need to get more of that loving and intimate sex you used to have. A lot more of that. And maybe you could compromise and play along with his kink once in a while.

Maybe it will be something that will run its course. My wife and I both go through stages where we are really into certain things for a little while, then we revert back to our more "normal" sex or move on to something else. And I admit that I have had a cuckold fantasy as well. It's just a little something we've role-played and fantasized about and only do occasionally. I definitely would feel awkward if my wife thought it was something I needed to get off. 

Communication is key to having fulfilling sex in a loving relationship - especially marriage. You need to be able to openly talk to your partner about your desires as well as your boundaries.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My two cents; The OP sounds wonderful in that she is talking to her fiance about his fantasies. That is great! However, she also gets to control her own boundaries. Bringing another person into a long term relationship can easily destroy any marriage.

The OP sounds concerned that her guy keeps coming back to the same fantasy. My recommendation is to tell him that she is concerned. She has boundaries on what she expects a marriage to entail and that includes honesty, candor (especially about fantasies), commitment to each other and above all monogamy. Tell him that you are concerned enough about his persistence on this fantasy that you would like the two of you to have some marriage counseling sessions with a sex therapist prior to marriage so you can discuss boundaries, and the kind of sex, trust, and relationship you both desire in marriage.

Good luck. a little preventive counseling now could prevent a lot of problems in the future.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Good luck. a little preventive counseling now could prevent a lot of problems in the future.


Amen to THIS!!! Best thing we ever did.


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## shelli_k18 (Jul 28, 2020)

I am single once again, so, take a pinch of salt from what I suggest. I was male, straight, and enjoyed flirting around with more than one woman at a time. I slept with married women, and a couple times 2 ladies at the same time. Not a brag. I am now accepting that I was indeed overcompensating. None of those relationships panned out, and I am now happier as a transexual asexual. I've lost friends and partners through my indiscretions, and know that even though what I did was natural and acceptable in the times and groups I was with. That what I really wanted was acceptance. 

They say once a cheater, always a cheater, but it's the furthest from the truth. We grow, we change, and our values and expectations as well. Hedonist turned asexual sounds like he got ugly, lol. That I went from partners to self sufficient, but honestly, I was always INFP, and exhausted by the parties and putting on a "masculine" front all the time. I still pose as male around work and family, but thanks to covid my nails have never been longer, and my hair, well, it's been over 10 yrs..

So what does an asexual say about cuckoldry? I say go for it. I say if your husband is curious about this, and willing to put in the effort. He must accept the results. This may become a thing, might be just a flash in the pan, but whatever, it isn't the end of the world. The sun will come up tomorrow, and he will still be the same man you married. True, you can't change the past, but once tragic will in time become trivial. And it's true what they say, we regret the things we haven't done in the end..

Play safe, and understand that if he's confused, hurt or just not reacting how you expected him to, give him time. But don't do this just for him. You are an independant and capable woman. You have been demanding his chastity in your marriage, but now that he is open to your new freedom, believe me, he will be ok without his own. Making him treasure this as part of the relationship is something you both will work on. But he must also continue to prove his devotion to the relationship as well. If you know me at all, you'll know where I'm going with this. As a cuckold, he will be wanting attention when your not there, and wanting his structure and your discipline. When you are away, I highly recommend the cb6000s or the "holy trainer v2" as he will be required to remain chaste to your demands.

I'm 5 yrs locked in chastity, our relationship fell apart for other reasons. Even though I'm one year single, I still wear my chastity for my own interests. I can focus and it gives me the time to consider my actions before jumping into a mistake with a new friend..

best wishes and I'd luv to hear others opinions.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Your husband's fantasy is likely driven by fear of abandonment. The idea is with this fantasy is that he needs to be in control of his fear and try to validate it in such a way that he knows you will be happy AND stay with him.
> 
> OK, reverse engineer that! You want simple and natural. You want it to be just him. It will not be easy... expand on this fantasy in a way that forces him to confront his fear of abandonment without the need for another person. Pretend you get the most aroused without anyone and just being alone by yourself. Pretend you are fully capable of pleasuring yourself and just really enjoy your own alone time. Tell him that you would often prefer to just pleasure yourself alone than to be with him (you validated his fear and removed the 3rd party). Request if you can just start allowing sex to be that way in your marriage but that you would be OK giving him pitty sex every now and then as long as he promises to keep it simple.
> 
> ...


WTF was that ????


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Porn wrecks men so that fetish and fantasy replace intimacy and love.

He needs counseling. Men like this should be ashamed however in this sad culture no one is going to say that. I mean, if there is no right or wrong in sex then even pedophilia will be deemed acceptable in another decade. With moral relativism all things become acceptable- there is no truth.

But by all means the modern moral imperative is “don’t shame anyone” and “don’t you dare stop a blossoming fetish”.

Hubby needs more truth, reality, and frankly religion. Go off birth control and he’ll probably lose this kink- unless he’s wealthy enough that raising another guy’s kid is no big deal.

Clearly, fetish comes from the devil because I don’t see any men with the kink of raising other men’s children. All kinks are about destroying marriage and family- not building it.

On a personal note, it took a couple decades to be healed of my porn induced kinks and thank God! One man and one woman sex is perfect enough and if done properly produces beautiful little people called children... a much more fantastic reality and one that will definitely keep you out of kink trouble because you’ll have no time or energy to be nasty.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're going to have to put up a boundary about it. Whatever you're comfortable with. Tell him you don't like it and it doesn't make you feel loved and that that is what you want most. Tell him you're okay with it once in awhile, but just don't let him do it when you don't want to. You have a right. It may turn out you're not suited for each other -- but it will be mostly because of him because not many would want to marry someone who made this demand.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As a guy, I've watched different types of porn and have watched some of the cuckold porn before. It can be interesting to watch it on occasion; however, never in a million years would I bring it into the marriage with my wife. NFW. IMHO, talk to the guy honestly and tell him you have ZERO interest in the cuckold lifestyle - even bringing the fantasy into the bedroom is no longer desirable for you to entertain. If he can adjust to no more cuckold fantasies then that's great. If he cannot, then you need to seriously consider if this type of fantasizing and eventual pressure to engage in it is something you want to do. If not...then it's over.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The OP hasn't posted on this thread for 2 months.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> The OP hasn't posted on this thread for 2 months.


Because by now he has moved on to having her tied up and kept in a box under his bed.


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## shelli_k18 (Jul 28, 2020)

CatholicDad may be entitled to his opinion, but may I rebut?

Seeing his wife naked isn't a fetish of it's own? Porn is not responsible for a persons mental health any more than tv is responsible for school shootings.

Moral relativism doesn't exist in religious context? so sex isn't a sin except when.. wait a minute, lol..
Cyclic ignorant logic? Men should be ashamed to think for themselves? So a higher group can give consent to the responsibilities one partner has with another? Church is NOT in the bedroom..

so you say we should shame others, according to your religion? Shall we throw stones?

"Hubby needs truth, reality, and "... to belief that there were no dinasours or world before/after us? you want religion and reality? make up your mind.. going off birth control wont stop a religious person, especially since birth control is a sin..

Yes, by all means, you may blame an invisible monster for other mens desires, but your right, many women become homeless and without husbands instead of being accepted in their church led marriage.

Your whole position is personal, your religion, your description of whats real and whats holy. You can thank god for taking away your porn addiction, but if done properly it produces beautiful children? so your saying improper mistakes make terrible children? You don't think idle hands happen in a religious marriage?

Dedication to church controlled marriage like this should have been abolished with those other forms of Tyranny. As for the Churches problems with pedofiles...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

shelli_k18 said:


> CatholicDad may be entitled to his opinion, but may I rebut?
> 
> Seeing his wife naked isn't a fetish of it's own? Porn is not responsible for a persons mental health any more than tv is responsible for school shootings.
> 
> ...


When I was young our Catholic Church priest was a gay alcoholic and even had a boyfriend.

Just saying 😳


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> WTF was that ????


This is a zombie thread. But often this fantasy is driven by fear of abandonment. Perhaps a husband feels his wife would have been happier marrying someone else, but the husband does not want to see his wife abandon him for another man. The husband however feels a need to make his wife happy, so he finds her another man to please her as long as he knows that any relationship is doomed to fail so that she will always come back to him. When that happens it creates a euphoria on par with hysterical bonding for the husband because he was not abandoned and the wife got to be happy. Rinse, wash, and repeat. 

Admittedly there is almost no way to reverse engineer a spouse's fear of abandonment. The only way that might work is for the wife to just find her own happiness within and not blame the husband for when life is boring or unpleasant.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

badsanta said:


> This is a zombie thread. But often this fantasy is driven by fear of abandonment. Perhaps a husband feels his wife would have been happier marrying someone else, but the husband does not want to see his wife abandon him for another man. The husband however feels a need to make his wife happy, so he finds her another man to please her as long as he knows that any relationship is doomed to fail so that she will always come back to him. When that happens it creates a euphoria on par with hysterical bonding for the husband because he was not abandoned and the wife got to be happy. Rinse, wash, and repeat.
> 
> Admittedly there is almost no way to reverse engineer a spouse's fear of abandonment. The only way that might work is for the wife to just find her own happiness within and not blame the husband for when life is boring or unpleasant.


BINGO Badsanta you hit the nail on the head...fear is the driving for our actions and our kinks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> BINGO Badsanta you hit the nail on the head...fear is the driving for our actions and our kinks.


Just to clarify... you mean only this kink or do you mean all kinks? I can understand perhaps this one.... but not others.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Just to clarify... you mean only this kink or do you mean all kinks? I can understand perhaps this one.... but not others.


In order to mix dopamine and adrenaline within a sexual context, you do need to get something "fear" related in play. This includes confronting one's shame, guilt, fear, control or suppressed issues within a sexual context.


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