# Do You Ever Get Called Ugly Names?



## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

My husband of 6 years has always been a BPD type-A personality, but the last 2 years he has found a group of morons willing to listen and/or to argue points with him all day on Facebook-even to wee hours. 
We have fought about this since its inception. Whenever I get mad about what he has said, the length of time he is on there, or anything connected to facebook, he goes sideways into orbit and begins verbally and emotionally attacking me. 
He has admitted to having a 'problem' and got offline totally for about a month after Memorial Day. It was the best time for us both. Then he goes right back...a little at a time till he jumps in with both feet.

I am talking about HOURS 8-10-12-16 everyday at his worst point.
Yesterday as I was leaving for work...I said "Don't sit on Facebook all day". Not nasty, just a statement. He called me a c**t. Really? I have hung on with fingernails through the fights, tantrums, broken stuff...all because of his facebook addiction. I need help-and I can't afford to hire a therapist. Any advice? Thanks!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Tell him again. Ask him if he remembers how wonderful things were after he stopped and tell him the name calling has put it over the top and it has to end or you are leaving. If he doesn't start packing your bags. Hopefully he'll stop when he sees you are serious.

You CAN afford therapy. Try United Family Services (part of United Way). They offer counseling - individual, family, addiction - on a sliding scale based on income and accept insurance. Without insurance it's just a sliding scale fee. 

Is he on your home PC? If he can't help himself, put a password on it and only you have it and it's not ANYTHING he'll ever guess. It's you or his facebook crew. He's ignoring you in favor of proving his point with them.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Its time for an ultimatum, but you will need to follow through on it. 

You may have to give him the choice of his marriage or facebook. More than likely if he is deep into the fog of denial and possible facebook addiction then he will likley choose facebook. Tell him you feel the marriage is falling by the way side and you would like for him to seek MC with you. If he refuses, then make the choice for him.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

To answer your question, no, my husband has never in the 23 years I've known him ever said that word to me. 

The Facebook addiction is one issue.

Apart from the Facebook issue, he has a problem with communication. I suspect even if you got him to cut back on the Facebook time, he'd still call you ugly names when he goes into a rage. 

You should draw a hardline boundary and stick to it. There have to be consequences for calling you "c**t*. Begging, pleading, wishing, hoping, aren't plans of action.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Since your husband has so many hours to hang out on FB everyday, am I right to assume he does not have a job?


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I was called many names for much of my early marriage. It won't get better until they seek help and want to be a better person.

Until then if you continue to stay and take it you might just have to treat him like a child. Block the internet service, get rid of smart phones if need be to also limit access.

He then can leave like a child and you get your dignity back or he can seek for help for all his issues and you get your dignity back or just stay status quo.

There are many sliding scale places or drop your internet bill and smart phone bill and use that money towards therapy.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I was called a c**t by someone before and let me tell ya --- it was the LAST time he ever called me that. But I wasn't married to him and we didn't cohabitate so walking away was a lot easier. Not for one second would I tolerate that type of verbal abuse from anyone! 

Your hubby has no filter and he found a group of people online to share in his rantings. The more they validate him the more entitled he feels to continue doing what he's doing. Because he isn't the only one doing it, after all. If his online community is more important than the emotional well being of his wife, well, then I hope they live happily ever after. 

EnjoliWoman had a wonderful idea about seeking help from those that offer resources to low income families. I strongly suggest you BOTH take advantage of that. 

In the meantime, it's time to go 180 on his a$$. You need to start detaching yourself from the situation. And you detaching is not to be done in an effort to punish him but to reward yourself with peace. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking him dinner. Stop doing whatever it is you do for him and focus on YOURSELF. Pick up a hobby of your own and get centered. It's very hard to know what direction you need to go in when you are in the thick of things. 

Do you guys have children? If so, are they around to hear this name calling and utter disrespect? Can you support yourself financially on your own? 

Oh, and I do like the password protect idea. Before I read that I was thinking along the lines of taking the PC away all together.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you tried from the POV of getting him to do other things. For example, ask him if at 6pm (an hour from now) if he could help you set the table and cook dinner. Then hopefully, he can program into his mind that he needs to end his facebooking in an hour and be in the mood to help you.

I remember when I was teenager, I guess it was a control thing with my parents. but they would tell me to put my book down and interact with them. then nothing would happen. Then I would go back to reading and they would get mad.

IOW, telling someone to stop doing something simply for its own sake comes across as a bit controlling.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Unfriend him in divorce court.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

These are all wonderful responses, and I will try my best to answer some of your questions. First of all...he does not have a computer anymore. Our last "fight" when he went nuts due to a facebook comment was to smash his laptop. "There...I'm off!" These idiots turn him from a mellow person I love into a mean, argumentative ass I don't like and sometimes hate. Having said that, he uses his daughters laptop. (she doesn't live here) I made him put it back in her room yesterday out of shame I think. He knows...he has admitted it, yet he can't stay away. 
As to the name calling and verbal abuse...it has been a way of life for them. His brother was horrible to his "wife" until she left, and although he is not that bad-it still comes out. Its been a way of life for them. 
We've had serious talks and are about to have another. My kids are grown up and live in another state. His daughter lives 30 minutes away and comes every few weeks. I work-he doesn't. He is on disability which gives him too much time on his hands, but there is plenty to do in and around the house. Projects he has started and never finished, crap up the wazoo he has bought to "fill his time' he's never looked at, a new kitty that needs time and attention he wanted as she is disabled too. I could go on. I will try to see our United Way agency and see whats available. Thank you!!!!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Unfriend him in divorce court.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's hilarious! :rofl:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Caligyrl said:


> These are all wonderful responses, and I will try my best to answer some of your questions. First of all...he does not have a computer anymore. Our last "fight" when he went nuts due to a facebook comment was to smash his laptop. "There...I'm off!" These idiots turn him from a mellow person I love into a mean, argumentative ass I don't like and sometimes hate. Having said that, he uses his daughters laptop. (she doesn't live here) I made him put it back in her room yesterday out of shame I think. He knows...he has admitted it, yet he can't stay away.
> As to the name calling and verbal abuse...it has been a way of life for them. His brother was horrible to his "wife" until she left, and although he is not that bad-it still comes out. Its been a way of life for them.
> We've had serious talks and are about to have another. My kids are grown up and live in another state. His daughter lives 30 minutes away and comes every few weeks. I work-he doesn't. He is on disability which gives him too much time on his hands, but there is plenty to do in and around the house. Projects he has started and never finished, crap up the wazoo he has bought to "fill his time' he's never looked at, a new kitty that needs time and attention he wanted as she is disabled too. I could go on. I will try to see our United Way agency and see whats available. Thank you!!!!


what do you love about him? seriously.

you work hes on disability..... dose he do the chores around the house when your at work? dose he cook dinner. what exactly are you getting from this relationship?

dose he save any of his money for your future together? 

dose he compliment you? dose he initinate sex. is the sex good. is he a generous lover? 

I don't know but it seem like your getting the short end of the stick.

your his meal ticket. house maid and you put up with him treating you very poorly for his imature actions.

again I ask what are you getting out of this relationship.

the next time he acts poorly....breaking things and calling you a c*** .

I would move out! do you have a place to go. parents or a friend. set it up with them so you can leave at as soon as it happens. have a bag packed. don't tell him your leaving just grab your bag and go.when he calls tell him he needs help or your filing for divorce.don't let him drop the ball if he agrees then tell him when you see he has apointments for counceling and such you will come back....but keep your bags packed....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> I work-he doesn't. He is on disability which gives him too much time on his hands, but there is plenty to do in and around the house. Projects he has started and never finished, crap up the wazoo he has bought to "fill his time' he's never looked at, a new kitty that needs time and attention he wanted as she is disabled too.


It is unfortunate, and sad, that your husband doesn't fill his time with constructive projects, such as volunteering. I don't know if I could tolerate someone starting projects but never finishing. 

It sounds as if your husband lacks impulse control; he gets overly involved in FB debates, doesn't control his temper or his mouth, and calls you a c**t. Well, THAT wouldn't fly in my book. I won't tolerate name-callers. Ever.

Does his disability payment cover a fair amount of expenses? Some folks get more than others. I was wondering if he ponies up his share of $$ for things like groceries or utilities. Or does he just spend his money on his "stuff" and leave you to bear the brunt of the financial burden?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> what do you love about him? seriously.
> 
> you work hes on disability..... dose he do the chores around the house when your at work? dose he cook dinner. what exactly are you getting from this relationship?
> 
> ...



The worse part of this is since he is disabled and she is the breadwinner she might have to pay him alimony.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

You need to pick this scab of a man off of you and divorce. Any man that calls his wife a **** easier than saying "good morning" is not a man you want especially if the moocher is not being productive.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sanity said:


> The worse part of this is since he is disabled and she is the breadwinner she might have to pay him alimony.


more to life than money. and maybe it will be a wake up call for him.

is he really disabled? I don't know the extent of his disability and how much he receives or if he got a settlement, or if he faking,

could be lawyer time for her to find out exactly what the situation is for her if divorce is looming.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I don't really yell or cuss at other people but because of my aspergers sometimes I get overwhelmed and need to socially isolate myself.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I hate facebook, and have been off it for two years. Facebook Anon... lol

Although if you told me to not "sit on face----book" all day I woulda laughed out loud, rather than call you names! 

Sounds like he's generally unhappy about life, and not motivated. You're looking into counseling, good. Just know that takes time and real committment from the counselees to make things get better. You both have to buy into it. The hard part is knowing whether or not you have a good counselor. Takes a visit or two to see if they are really probing the parts of your issues that need probing. Problem is, a lot of the time people don't know what the root cause of the trouble is. Sounds like this may be pretty easy to identify, however, in your case. 

Name calling... my fWW was really into that. I've been called every bad name in the book, back when we had our big DDay donnybrook. Ah, such righteous anger for a WS. Anyway, I let her vent for a while, then calmly told her that any more name calling would result in her watching my ass walk out the door. It stopped. 

Actions-> consequences. Relationships should be as equal as humanly possible. Try to give more than you get. It always comes back to you tenfold when you do. Well, when both are "into" the relationship. 

Good luck, God bless


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

And you are still with this man, WHY?? What is he adding to your life besides hate and stress??


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Hey guys-to tell a long story short, my 'home is 2500 miles away, I have 3 cats, and a little bit of $ saved in the bank. I don't have anywhere to go nor do I have a plan for driving across the country with the cats yet. 
Last year when things really got heated, I began sending boxes of my stuff back home as I could afford. My plan was to A-sit him down and make him talk, B-give him a chance, and C-if all else fails...threaten. We did A&B, and are now up to C. He is the type who would wave goodbye with a smile. Of course, then he would fall apart, which the thought has kept me here. Yes, I get the short end. He has an inheritance that we lived on for awhile until I could go back to work, but the disability he gets pays the car and house pmt. Thats about it. 
I am so stressed and tired. He does cook and pick up after the cats and such, but there is so much more to occupy the time wasted with those idiots.
He has been on "THE WAGON" all day. we will see what tomorrow brings.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> ... my 'home is 2500 miles away, I have 3 cats, and a little bit of $ saved in the bank. I don't have anywhere to go nor do I have a plan for driving across the country with the cats yet.


So don't move across the country for the time being. You can move down the block, if you so desire.

What struck me about this part of your response that prompted me to respond? I moved 2,400 miles across country. I had money in the bank, although it was not that much. I had/have two cats.

I went to U-Haul, explained my situation to the manager, and they were fantastic at helping me out. U-Haul has a website that lists local movers along with their consumer ratings. These guys will come in and pack, or if you do the packing, they will load your truck.

I got the latest edition of the Rand-McNally road atlas. I got a booklet from La Quinta on the location of all the motels. (They always accept pets.) I highlighted my route, calculated how many miles I could comfortably drive in a day, and called the next stop's La Quinta when I gassed up the truck mid-afternoon.

I've done this twice in four years. Alone. I know how to navigate the fuel islands at a truck stop, how to do the daily load/unload of my stuff - and the cat's junk - in less than 1/2 hour, and where I can get a decent meal without having to drive, since my car was bolted down to a tow dolly.

It actually isn't that challenging to accomplish the task. And, P.S. - I had no idea if anyone I knew would give me much support when I got to my destination. Guess what? Nobody gave me anything other than minimal support.

But here I am. I had the same reasons to stay in a dead-end marriage. All I can tell you is this: when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you WILL leave. 

And you can come up with all sorts of arguments to stay.

Your life. Your choices.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Why are you with him if he doesn't like you I don't understand.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Hey guys-to tell a long story short, my 'home is 2500 miles away, I have 3 cats, and a little bit of $ saved in the bank. I don't have anywhere to go nor do I have a plan for driving across the country with the cats yet.
> Last year when things really got heated, I began sending boxes of my stuff back home as I could afford. My plan was to A-sit him down and make him talk, B-give him a chance, and C-if all else fails...threaten. We did A&B, and are now up to C. He is the type who would wave goodbye with a smile. Of course, then he would fall apart, which the thought has kept me here. Yes, I get the short end. He has an inheritance that we lived on for awhile until I could go back to work, but the disability he gets pays the car and house pmt. Thats about it.
> I am so stressed and tired. He does cook and pick up after the cats and such, but there is so much more to occupy the time wasted with those idiots.
> He has been on "THE WAGON" all day. we will see what tomorrow brings.


Obviously you have been unhappy for quite some time if you have been doing this. You have done A and B, now its time to follow through with C. Only DONT THREATEN. Follow through. If he is going to smile and wave as you go instead of working on things together, then so be it, you watch him wave in your rear view mirror. If he falls apart afterward, too fvcking bad. NO MAN is worth putting up with this kind of treatment. Stop allowing it, it either stops, or you leave.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Caligyrl said:


> I work-he doesn't. He is on disability which gives him too much time on his hands



There's a separate issue here that disturbs me. 

Disability fraud is something that really ticks me off, especially when people work (like me) are essentially supporting people who refuse to work (like your husband).

I'm curious, what is his disability exactly? *If he can spend 8-16 hours a day on his laptop totally stressed out arguing with his friends on facebook, then he certainly could put in a normal day at just about any office job instead.* 

Here's a solution. Get him off disability, or report him if he's fraudulently taking benefits, then he gets a job again and won't spend all day arguing on facebook, and does something more productive with his life. He might be happier too if it gives him a purpose again and pulls him out of the depressive rut that he's in.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband needs major help. The problem is there is no way you can change his behavior or help him become a better person. You can only change yourself and how you deal with this. The name calling and computer time is highly disrespectful.

This behavior would send me packing. I would probably do a trial separation and see if this would wake him up to change. I need to spend quality time with my husband. I need to be respected as a woman and a wife. If there's any infidelity, I'd immediately file for divorce.

Good luck.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

calling you a c*nt is a deal breaker. it is intolerable. it is inexcusable. what excuse are you making for him that keeps you in this horrible relationship. he doesn't love you. you don't call someone you love a c*nt. he's a mooch. he's mooching off you. he's mooching off the government. what is to respect about this guy? he's a mellow nice guy, _sometimes_? uh uh. sometimes doesn't cut it.

It's great that things were great for the one month he was abstained from FB. that's what you can tell him when you tell him that it's FB or you, and if he relapses, you're outta there.

how old is he that this is what he's doing with his life? nothing at all with all day to do it. this is what I would tell him that he needs to do if he wants to save the marriage:

- get a job (because I agree with the other poster that if he can be on FB 12 hrs/day, he can work)
- or if he really can't work, he must do all the housework, cooking, fix-it projects around the house
- never ever ever verbally abuse you ever again
- must show you respect and appreciation
- must never go on FB again.

you deserve much better than him. if he can't agree to be a decent human being, then it's time for you to go.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

IsGirl3 said:


> calling you a c*nt is a deal breaker. it is intolerable. it is inexcusable.


If it was one of my daughters, I and/or my sons would stand a fair chance of winding up in jail.

Do you have family that can help? I would *gladly* drive across the country to help out a daughter in this situation. Or for that matter, a friend's daughter.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

c*nt is just a word.....should D*ck be thought of the same way.


its the overall disrespect that is the problem not the word.

are you on the bank acc with the inheriatance?


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Theseus said:


> There's a separate issue here that disturbs me.
> 
> Disability fraud is something that really ticks me off, especially when people work (like me) are essentially supporting people who refuse to work (like your husband).
> 
> ...


He truly is a mess health wise. He's had 3 heart attacks and a messed up back when an accident years ago at work happened.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> c*nt is just a word.....should D*ck be thought of the same way.
> 
> 
> its the overall disrespect that is the problem not the word.
> ...


I agree!!! In fact we talked about this FINALLY last night. He apologized and said he needs help. 
We are on "C". If he does not follow through with the therapy, I am gone.
Oh, and no, I an not on the bank acc except as beneficiary. It was a survivor trust his mom left him.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

this is progress. hopefully you'll stick to your guns if he doesn't follow through.


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## InspireMe (Jul 17, 2013)

I too am BPD, and of course, I got help and now that I am on medication it has been wonderful! 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum. I know that this is a difficult task to do, but it seems like this is your last option. It is something you are going to have to follow through with if he does not change but remember, this is NOT what you deserve.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> c*nt is just a word.....should D*ck be thought of the same way.



Depends where you live. The "c*nt" word is considered a pretty harsh insult in the US, but friends in the UK tell me over there it's not such a big deal and people use it frequently.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Caligyrl said:


> He truly is a mess health wise. He's had 3 heart attacks and a messed up back when an accident years ago at work happened.


In that case, he should change his behavior for medical reasons including all the other reasons you mentioned above.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

InspireMe said:


> I too am BPD, and of course, I got help and now that I am on medication it has been wonderful!
> 
> I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum. I know that this is a difficult task to do, but it seems like this is your last option. It is something you are going to have to follow through with if he does not change but remember, this is NOT what you deserve.


Hi there...could you tell me a little bit more about your situation if you don't mind? I'm sorry for the intrusion, but how did you know you have BPD-and to what lengths did you go to before you got treatment? I read the book "I hate you-Don't Leave Me!" to gain an more insightful scope of this situation, but the things they are saying to do to bring him back around, just do not work with him. He not only has BPD...he's a type A dominant personality as well. :slap:


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

What about being called "my woman" or "woman" in front of a group of people for example I am being introduced "meet my woman..." or "come here woman" or "woman can you make me something to eat". This has happened to me several times, not sure if its the NYC personality to my FH or if he is being disrespectful. Never been called "c**t" or "b**ch" or anything like that.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

justdance4me said:


> What about being called "my woman" or "woman" in front of a group of people for example I am being introduced "meet my woman..." or "come here woman" or "woman can you make me something to eat". This has happened to me several times, not sure if its the NYC personality to my FH or if he is being disrespectful. Never been called "c**t" or "b**ch" or anything like that.


Depending on where you live, a lot of men call their wives/gfs "woman". I truly don't think I would take as much offense to that as I do to c**t. The disrespect far outweighs any possessiveness that 'woman' donates. It may be a dominate possessive "I own you" connotation, but being called the other is just downright vulgar.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Do not stand for it. Abuse- mental, verbal, physical - has no place in a marriage. Where there is no respect, there is nothing. 
i'm sure most people will advise you to stay married. I'll go on a different direction with my advice because I have known abusive relationship - name calling, yes, FB seating all day,( well it was a chatroom, FB didn't exist then), lazy-bum attitude refusing to work, all you describe. And I'm telling you, married or not, it is not worth it !! Once the respect is gone, that's it. If there is no respect there is no love either. There may be respect in some marriage, but no more love, those marriage may stand a chance. But not missing both. Respect is existential.
I'm pro saving marriage, when it is worth saving it. It is not when : there is abuse; spouse is a lazy-bum and lives off the other's back; spouse loves another; there is no sex, no more attraction at all. In these cases, I advise to get out.
Do not take abuse anymore. Free yourself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Abusive & lazy...uggg


At least my abusive ex-husband wasn't lazy 

Stop blaming his FB pals on his abusive behavior. Stop trying to fix him. Marriage counseling won't work.


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