# My Husband Stonewalls, and I am Lost



## Sliver (Oct 18, 2011)

Recently, I mentioned to my husband that we don't spend time together anymore (we used to have 1 day a week for family night, but he says he no longer wants to) and I would like us to. He said, we do spend time together, we are in the same room, that's enough for me. (!!!) He gets quickly irritated when I try to discuss our relationship, and shuts down, or acts as if he doesn't think our talks are worth his time. This morning, I was calmly telling him that we are disconnected and how uncomfortable that makes me. He told me he doesn't want to feel connected to another human being. I kid you not. I was like, how can you claim to want to be married with an attitude like that? He continues to say he wants to be married to me and that he doesn't have an attitude. He got so angry with me trying to talk to him this morning that he stormed out of the house. I spent this morning crying, and cannot fathom a way to get through to him. Nothing seems to work. I want to make this work, but if I am to believe the things he says, then the following is true:
he would be perfectly happy NEVER having discussions with me that involve our relationship. I mean never. He was not always so shut-down, and I am at a loss to help. I can't live my life with a man who thinks as long as things are going okay on his end that they are fine for everyone else. He continues to outright make it clear that my feelings don't matter. I can hardly recall the last time he asked me for my opinion. Maybe in 12-2011. 
What reason would a man have for treating his wife this way? Why would he be so blatantly disrespectful towards me and my needs? It is not as if his needs have ever been ignored. I have gone above and beyond the call of marriage. Now I am exhausted. He only has sexual contact with me when I initiate. I am resentful and hurt. He spends all day at work then comes home, doesn't even come give me a kiss, and goes straight to the computer games. ****!. While I am talking to him, he will say, huh, and pretend he just entered the conversation and has not heard a word I have said. It's a cruel game. And my heart is breaking. 
I hate to say it, but I am thinking of leaving. It would turn my life upside down, but I have little recourse for his callousness and his disrespect for our marriage. 
Any opinions you guys might offer would be helpful. I have read a lot of books and done a lot for this relationship...I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I am 29, and after 11 years, I am exhausted by this shut-down man. Definitely at the end of my rope here. No, he is not willing to go to counseling. Lately I have heard him say "Don't tell me what to do" a lot and I don't think I have been, so I am perplexed. GRRRR. Some male opinions might be insightful. I don't understand how you can avoid a woman and expect things to get be just peachy.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My wife has an avoidant personality similar to your husband.

I've been dealing with it for years now and have pretty much decided I need to separate. Oddly, this has brought her back to the table somewhat.

From what I read, avoidant people like the comfort and security of marriage but they don't actually want the connection because it is a risk. The only way to get someone like that to notice you would be to threaten their comfort and/or security by leaving, I figure.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

That sucks. Maybe try the 180? If you don't know what it is there is a decription on this website and others....


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Acorn said:


> From what I read, avoidant people like the comfort and security of marriage but they don't actually want the connection because it is a risk.


That makes so much sense. I actually know someone like this, and what you said about how they want to be married but having a connection to someone can be a risk sounds so true for the person I know. 

I'm assuming its because emotions are involved and they are not sure what to do with those emotions when they get close to someone?


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Sounds like my husband. We have been in counseling since 2010. He is just now admitting that he shuts things down.

I told him it was counseling or divorce. I told him he could pick the counselor.


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