# How can I support my wife when trying for a baby?



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

My wife and I have ceased to use birth control and want a baby. We both agree that trying to time the intimacy too much takes the fun out of life. We're mindful of likely fertile days but we don't go too crazy.

She was really upset the last time she got her period. She was late and we were both convinced this was it, and then it wasn't. I felt so powerless and just wanted to make her feel better. Any suggestions for how I can help her if this happens again?


Edit: We did it!


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

First, how old are you and your wife. Second, how long have you been trying to get pregnant. If she was on the pill, it takes a while for her body to be off the pills' hormones. If you've been trying from 6-9 months and you're in the mid thirties or older, seek professional help to make sure she's actually ovulating and check to make sure your semen have a lot of numbers and motility. My husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for 5 years before I conceived our first son through in vitro fertilization and I was 26 when we started trying.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

We haven't been trying more than a few months, and we're both in our early 30s. I think we're okay on the medical side, or at least, too soon to suspect we're not okay. I'm more concerned about how to make her feel better while we try.


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## SoBell (Jun 13, 2015)

Think of something that she likes to do that she would not be able to do if she got pregnant. Like, have a good bottle of wine on hand and if she starts her period pull out the wine and have a nice dinner.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Take her away on a vacation, somewhere exotic and relaxing. Don't let her plan, throw the ovulation meters away. Just bond and enjoy each other. Stress is a factor in preventing pregnancy. The body has to feel like it's not in fight/flight. Stress puts us in a constant state of agitation, and MANY things stress us in this day/age. 

Shoot her inner hamster, then take her every night of your trip. 

YOU do the planning - time the trip around her ovulation.

Eta: grammar blunders.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Satya said:


> Take her away on a vacation, somewhere exotic and relaxing. Don't let her plan, throw the ovulation meters away. Just bond and enjoy each other. Stress is a factor in preventing pregnancy. The body has to feel like it's not in fight/flight. Stress puts us in a constant state of agitation, and MANY things stress us in this day/age.
> 
> Shoot her inner hamster, then take her every night of your trip.
> 
> ...


Already have the trip planned. It's going to be great.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Although we were eventually successful and have a 20 month old and another one on the way, we tried for 5 years too. I know this may seem weird, but in the beginning, the thing that actually helped my monthly disappointments was when he was just as disappointed as I was and we were just there for each other. Hopefully you will not have to wait long. Because after a year or so it just sucks more and more until you can find a way to be at peace with it. That happened for us just before I conceived.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

thefam said:


> Although we were eventually successful and have a 20 month old and another one on the way, we tried for 5 years too. I know this may seem weird, but in the beginning, the thing that actually helped my monthly disappointments was when he was just as disappointed as I was and we were just there for each other. Hopefully you will not have to wait long. Because after a year or so it just sucks more and more until you can find a way to be at peace with it. That happened for us just before I conceived.


She felt like she had let me down when she told me she wasn't pregnant, so I tried not to show disappointment. When she told me she was late I got excited, which made her more excited, and she hated to be the bearer of bad news.

Congratulations!


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

She's late and won't take a test. Now I'm the anxious one. Thinking about 2 AM fast food runs and diapers.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You'll be fine. Congratulations (I think).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ExiledBayStater said:


> My wife and I have ceased to use birth control and want a baby. We both agree that trying to time the intimacy too much takes the fun out of life. We're mindful of likely fertile days but we don't go too crazy.
> 
> *She was really upset the last time she got her period. She was late and we were both convinced this was it, and then it wasn't. I felt so powerless and just wanted to make her feel better. Any suggestions for how I can help her if this happens again?*


Sounds like you are doing just fine.. the way you described how you felt RIGHT HERE is surely how my own husband felt.. we tried for over 6 yrs. .. took all those tests.. eventually I had a Laparoscopy (surgery) to explore what was wrong.. since all the Tests came back GOOD ... I was a basket case at times.. I was angry.. I was jealous .. there was nothing I wanted more in this life than a Family.. 

Thankfully we had 1 son at the time.. but being an only child myself , I didn't want that for him...it was the hardest time FOR ME.. which made it difficult for my husband... he just loved me through it.. he was there for my tears.. he was there for every attempt .. he never complained... then we went on to have 5 more kids ! Be careful what you pray for! 

I know of the JOY of walking on the clouds after years wondering if we'd ever have more children.. it felt like the heavens opened unto us..... if there is any lesson in this hardship..it teaches you to not take things for granted.. May you be blessed with those 2 lines !


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Well, depending on what position you are using and how many free hands you have ... oh wait, misread the title and thought it was during the actual act :grin2:

Just wanted to wish you good luck and hopefully it is good news this time.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She's late and won't take a test. Now I'm the anxious one. Thinking about 2 AM fast food runs and diapers.


Just take it a step at a time. Hope this is the one but it may not be. Nature doesn't care how impatient we are. It will take the course it wants to take.

How to help make your wife feel better? Be excited but realistic. Reassure her no matter what the outcome, you are there for her. Took us awhile and the assistance of modern medicine before our time came which it did. I tried to stay positive and supportive throughout.

Good luck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She's late and won't take a test. Now I'm the anxious one. Thinking about 2 AM fast food runs and diapers.


Being late is a good sign. No 2 AM fast food runs. Wendys closes at 1 AM. Go before then. Stock up on diapers. Save yourself a second stop. Good luck. 

Oh, and to be sure, my W decided to try the bicycle after having sex. the idea that gravity will do the work. So, as I returned to the bedroom from bathroom after sex I find my W doing the bicycle on the bed. Not sure it that was the key but 9 months later our daughter was born. :grin2:


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

She tested negative.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She tested negative.


Awww, sorry to hear that .

My ex and I went through infertility. And honestly, from a relationship standpoint, it was the best time in our marriage because I felt very supported by him. I think the best thing you can do it just be there for her, let her cry if she's upset, don't make her feel like her sadness is unjustified, etc. Just the fact that you're posting here and asking about it shows that you're probably doing just what she needs .


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She tested negative.


Bummer dude. Don't give up! When you least expect it...expect it!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She tested negative.


my wife tested negative so often she was certain she was never going to test positive. I stayed optimistic throughout and gave her comfort and support every time. Until came the morning when she woke me to show a positive test and two more after that and she saved all three to this day.

you may need fertility help professionally. we did.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

She's taking it better this time than last, although we still have hope that it might be a false negative. I don't know how she'll feel once we know for sure she's not pregnant, she might be upset or an hour or for days.

Is it common for women to be late? Perhaps naively, I thought for sure when she's three days late it's probably pregnancy.

I better fire up the grill before she gets home! Thanks to all who have offered advice so far.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

The ex and I a similar experience and (as you probably know) its very common. The more you talk to people the more you realize that. Ironic that you spend so many yrs trying not to get pregnant and that when you do want to it can be sooo hard. Anyway, all I can suggest is to stop making it a "goal" Easier said than done but you hear this all the time....."when we stopped trying we got pregnant" "as soon as we adopted a baby we got pregnant..." etc. That was our experience.... tried for two years. We did everything up to IVF with no luck. Stopped everything and started talking about adoption.....boom baby. Just my two cents....I do remember how difficult this was on both. Best of luck.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She's taking it better this time than last, although we still have hope that it might be a false negative. I don't know how she'll feel once we know for sure she's not pregnant, she might be upset or an hour or for days.
> 
> Is it common for women to be late? Perhaps naively, I thought for sure when she's three days late it's probably pregnancy.
> 
> I better fire up the grill before she gets home! Thanks to all who have offered advice so far.


Yes, it's common to be late. Sorry to hear it was negative. I know many people who have struggled with fertility. It's tough. The stress of trying to get pregnant can really cause issues with getting pregnant. Just being there for her is going to be a great help. Just sit and listen, don't try to "fix" the situation.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

So sorry EBS. Like I said earlier in this thread I sure hope you don't come anywhere near the 5 years it took us but after about 2.5 years I just stopped taking tests whenever I was late. Too much disappointment. You and/or your wife might not be ready for that strategy yet but something to keep in mind. It's not going to change the suck factor when the period shows up but when I was taking tests I was disappointed twice -- once with the negative test and then again when the period showed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Still trying and it's getting easier. I learned of some family medical information and I'm worried about passing on the gene. I don't know how to tell my wife.


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## HappyAfter10 (Aug 18, 2015)

You'd better just tell her. That way you can decide how big a concern it is together.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

HappyAfter10 said:


> You'd better just tell her. That way you can decide how big a concern it is together.


True enough. I've been on business travel and haven't seen her in a few days. I'm dreading the conversation.

It might not be genetic, my parent might not have the gene, I might not have the gene, the child might not get it from me. I'll tell her about it but I won't suggest that we start using protection. If I can't get it off my mind I won't be able to have sex.

It would just be nice if I could get my DNA analyzed without seeing a primary care provider to get a referral to see a genetics counselor to order a test. That rigamarole could take months.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I told her. She said it's up to me if I want to get tested or not but so help me G-d if I dare stop trying to make a baby.


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## TJA (Aug 24, 2015)

How long have you been trying? 

Sometimes you have to try for a year or two before the women get's pregnant. That's quite normal. 

Especially if she used to take the pill. 

You could suggest to go to a gynecologist, they will also check her hormones and so on. 

Other than I would just remind her that the baby will come when it's meant to come. So for now just enjoy your time before the baby and focus on each other. 

Suggest that instead of putting so much attention on getting the baby and buying tests and trying to force pregnancy. 
Focus on working on your marriage so that you can be the best parents for the baby when it does come


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a down site to getting too caught up in whether or not she is pregnant each month. Being nervous about getting pregnant can apparently interfere with getting pregnant. You both need to learn to relax. Give is a time frame.. 1 year or 2 years... and just have fun with sex, have it often and see where things go.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> I told her. She said it's up to me if I want to get tested or not but so help me G-d if I dare stop trying to make a baby.


You absolutely need to get tested. I know a couple where the husband had some sort of gene mutation (I have no idea what it is). The wife had given birth to a son who died shortly after birth. Later, she gave birth to a girl and she died shortly after birth as well. Genetic testing was done on the parents and it was determined that the father has something that he passes along to a fetus.

So please, get tested. 

Another thing - when my DH and I were trying to get pregnant I kept track of my temperatures and used Fertility Friend to log everything. I know when I start and stop my period but it turns out that I ovulate later than I thought. If I didn't track my temp, we would have kept missing the "window" because we would have been too early.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

She's a couple of weeks late again. A few days before her period was expected, a doctor agave her a pregnancy test for medical reasons and it was negative. She bought an OTC test today, so we'll see.

My doctor said I don't need genetic testing unless another relative gets the same rare illness.

We've been having very good sex


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> She's a couple of weeks late again. A few days before her period was expected, a doctor agave her a pregnancy test for medical reasons and it was negative. She bought an OTC test today, so we'll see.
> 
> My doctor said I don't need genetic testing unless another relative gets the same rare illness.
> 
> We've been having very good sex


Good luck man. Hopefully some good news for the holidays.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Hopefully my advice will be irrelevant, but maybe try having YOU be the one to watch the test develop? That way it's you delivering the disappointing news instead of her. You did say that being the bearer of the bad news was part of her emotional upset. It also helps turn the notion that it's her fault into mutual disappointment you both share.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Hopefully my advice will be irrelevant, but maybe try having YOU be the one to watch the test develop? That way it's you delivering the disappointing news instead of her. You did say that being the bearer of the bad news was part of her emotional upset. It also helps turn the notion that it's her fault into mutual disappointment you both share.


I never thought of that. If I have the opportunity I'll suggest it. She does feel it's her fault, which I find unreasonable on many levels.

At the moment I'd rather not bring up anything to do with pregnancy if it can be avoided. The tests are still in the box. 

If she gets her period or tests negative there is a bottle of wine waiting for us.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

What a lovely caring husband you are! I wish you the very best and may your TTC journey be a short happy one


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

WE ARE EXPECTING!

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes. So much excitement and nervous energy right now. Must fix the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmgOmg!!!!!!

:yay::toast::smthumbup:ray::bounce:

*CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE!!!*


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My first wife and I were trying like crazy to have a kid and it seemed like I was screwing and she was unscrewing. Nothing seemed to work.

One day she was in a auto accident. She was in some pain from it and the doctor gave her muscle relaxers and it helped her out. Next thing we know she gets pregnant. Now I don't suggest having her get in a car wreck but without the tension of the constant trying and her being relaxed, 9 months later I had a daughter.

Both of you just need to relax and it will come together.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Happy and Healthy 9 months for you both, hope it is all smooth sailing! Enjoy every minute of it because it's beautiful- hard but beautiful


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wonderful news! The consideration to your wife has been heart-warming to read. Wishing you all the best.

Now go fix the house


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Kylie84 said:


> CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Happy and Healthy 9 months for you both, hope it is all smooth sailing! Enjoy every minute of it because it's beautiful- hard but beautiful


Thank you. I'm making the decision to take that to heart and love it all, even the mood swings and 2 AM food runs that are to come.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Congrats!!!


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

We found out we are expecting again too, I am now almost 6 weeks with our second after doing a frozen embryo transfer at the start of this month. It certainly made my DH's birthday very special  Can't wait to do this all again! hehe


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Kylie84 said:


> We found out we are expecting again too, I am now almost 6 weeks with our second after doing a frozen embryo transfer at the start of this month. It certainly made my DH's birthday very special  Can't wait to do this all again! hehe


Congrats! I'm so happy for you guys. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Congrats, EBS. I am sure you will be a great dad.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wow, congrats to you too Kylie!


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Thanks all! EBS I hope all is traveling well with your wife


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

She is sleeping peacefully. Seeing her like that is the best feeling in the world for me.


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## BabyBear01 (Dec 2, 2015)

Unless she asks specifically for a verbal answer, don't talk, just listen. Hold her a lot. Good luck you 2!


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Down to the wire - car seat installed, hospital bags packed, a month's worth of diapers already stacked up. Best wishes @Kylie84 and @Anonymous07!


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Thank you for updating! I bet you are both very nervous!!! I wish you both the best of luck, this is probably the scariest but most exciting time you will experience in your lives  Its hard but it's so worth it, any parent will tell you the same thing. My bags are also packed, I have exactly 2 weeks til I go in for a c-section. The feelings don't change second time around i assure you! haha.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Kylie84 said:


> Thank you for updating! I bet you are both very nervous!!! I wish you both the best of luck, this is probably the scariest but most exciting time you will experience in your lives  Its hard but it's so worth it, any parent will tell you the same thing. My bags are also packed, I have exactly 2 weeks til I go in for a c-section. The feelings don't change second time around i assure you! haha.


Ours was due almost the same day. He wound up being born more than a week late, but he was and is heathy and robust! I knew my life would change, I just didn't know the love I'd feel when I look at or hold my tiny baby!


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Congratulations! Yes that amazing intense feeling of love is something you don't understand until it happens to you. I'd do literally anything for the benefit of my kids, and tear anyone apart who ever tried to hurt them. Unconditional love is really something special


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