# My wife wanted privacy to masturbate



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Long story short my wife had the bedroom door locked. 
We had a discussion and she basically said she wanted some alone time to masturbate. 

I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
She says its not the same. 

But of course I brought up the one time in the past (During an argument) she basically said she rubbed it out and wasn't interested in having sex. 
So I questioned her that would now mean she isn't interested in having sex with me now, she say no its different. 
I asked how is it different now ?

Yes I feel slighted and insecure now. 

So I need some insight on if I am off base here or what.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Let me follow up with I asked her why not let me help her out and she refused.. Bedroom door currently locked..

I'm not happy.. To me I feel this marriage is done..


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

'it's not the same', meaning, I want to lock the door because it's not you I'm thinking about when I am knocking one off.

If you were to come home unexpectedly and find her masturbating that is one thing, but to have her doing this whilst you are home, and for her to lock you out OF YOUR OWN BEDROOM is just plain wrong.

How would she feel if you locked yourself away and got your rocks off to porn whilst she was in the next room? If you think she would be OK with it then you either need to re-evaluate your marriage, or accept this as the norm, which, going off your initial post, would probably not be the preferred option.

If your wife cannot understand, or at least begin to see where you are coming from, then you have your answer.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

4 months ago, you wouldn't give her up for anything. Now, you two are engaged in a power struggle because she wants alone time and you're feeling left out of her pleasuring herself. Gotta say, you're coming off as a control freak.

When did you decide to marry her? We know the why.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Luminous said:


> 'it's not the same', meaning, I want to lock the door because it's not you I'm thinking about when I am knocking one off.


Afraid so.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Hardtohandle said:


> I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
> She says its not the same.


It's not. No one knows how to pleasure you the best except you. Instant feedback with no chance of misunderstanding. It absolutely is an entirely different type of pleasure from sex with another person.



> But of course I brought up the one time in the past (During an argument) she basically said she rubbed it out and wasn't interested in having sex.
> So I questioned her that would now mean she isn't interested in having sex with me now, she say no its different.
> I asked how is it different now ?


The first thing that comes to my mind, is that it was punishment for the argument. That's not the right reason to do so, but it can be what makes it different. I can masturbate and then want regular sex later. So no reason to assume that she can't.



> Yes I feel slighted and insecure now.
> 
> So I need some insight on if I am off base here or what.


That is not unusual. We are conditioned from a young age to think that our spouse is supposed to be everything we want and can satisfy all our need. So if there is ever a need we can't fulfill, we feel insecure and worry that we will lose them over it.

Other than the argument, has she been neglecting you, sexually or otherwise? Are there any other issues within the marriage?



Hardtohandle said:


> Let me follow up with I asked her why not let me help her out and she refused.. Bedroom door currently locked..
> 
> I'm not happy.. *To me I feel this marriage is done.*.


If you are feeling like this, it usually indicated that there is more than sexual issue occurring. You might consider couples therapy.



Luminous said:


> 'it's not the same', meaning, I want to lock the door because it's not you I'm thinking about when I am knocking one off.


Not necessarily. Some people don't fantasize at all when masturbating. She might also be fantasizing about him doing things she wants, but he doesn't want to do. She might be satisfied with just getting off to the fantasy of it.



> If you were to come home unexpectedly and find her masturbating that is one thing, but to have her doing this whilst you are home, and for her to lock you out OF YOUR OWN BEDROOM is just plain wrong.


I agree with you there. While I will not fault her for masturbating in and of itself, it's his bedroom also. If she wants to have privacy from him during the act, then use a different bedroom, or the bathroom.



> How would she feel if you locked yourself away and got your rocks off to porn whilst she was in the next room?


OP, You should consider this, or at least faking it. See what her reaction is. If she has a negative reaction, then you can point out the hypocrisy of what she is saying. She might not even realize that she holds such a conflicting position until she is confronted with it from the other side.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> Long story short my wife had the bedroom door locked.
> We had a discussion and she basically said she wanted some alone time to masturbate.
> 
> I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
> ...


Do you ever masturbate? If so, do you ever do it when your wife is not there with you?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for all the responses,

*some past history*
Yes we are having many fights.
We have had rocky relationship for the past 6 years.

And yes there was tension in the air.
My tensions come from buying a big expensive home ( 2 homes ) and the financial losses involved in it.
I took a leap of faith on buying the home after me talking to her about our relationship.
Though its close to a 2 million dollar home with a GIANT backyard and in ground pool, 15 person hot tub ( not that I give a carp about that ). But even the master bathroom has a 2 person Jacuzzi in it.

You need to understand I sold a home that me and my 14 year old were sharing a bedroom.
The 2 home comparisons are literally night and day.
Mind you I could have made changes in the old home to fix the issue. But I couldn't make these changes with the addition of a wife and 2 other kids. I just needed a larger home.
Further she was the one that picked the house out.
Her comments are nothing but complainants. It sort of yea its nice if you like those things.

I basically went from having 150k in the bank and spending what I want when I want to having at 500k mortgage. I took out and extra 1.2 million life insurance because I didn't want to fvck my family if I died. between that and 2 other polices I have over 2 million.

My point is I am trying. I didn't have to do any of this.
She doesn't talk to me she talks down to me.
I have a lot of man pride. I've taken care of my mom and brothers forever. Mind you I am the youngest. Both ended up getting sick. One passed away.
Been working since I was 13. Dad left when I was 12.

Nonetheless, ATM this house has been a money pit.
New pool liner.. Central Air broken.
I waited 10 months for wife to move in. So loss of rental income.
Assorted work on the house because my wife was not moving in at the time which now is useless. So money wasted.
Its any easy 50k spent and I can't even afford to fix the central air so I have to put AC in the windows.

I am not saying I am perfect.
I go to therapy for my divorce and then we started going to couples therapy and then she bailed out.
Basically her mindset is she is perfect and doesn't need to go. Its all me.

*Back to the incident*

She had the TV on while rubbing it out.
I had a belly full of rage.. I felt slighted. Hurt..
When she finished and opened the door I was upset and hurt to the point of tears.
The TV is mine.. I tried to rip it off the wall. It was mounted pretty good so all I did was shake it.
Now she claims she is in fear of her life. That I was going to smash the TV on the ground. Which I wasn't..
I just felt she was rubbing it out to the guy on TV. It was a young shirtless matthew mcconaughey and it pissed me off.

She went with 2 different excuses.
1. She wasn't looking to fvck just wanted to release some stress.
2. She isn't interested in or wants to fvcking me. Mind you a lot more words, but that was the gist.

A week back she mentioned a guy she might have dated for a week when we separated. Again I have no clue and will explain further.

Mind you, in my mind it's a either real or phantom person she dated when we were separated for a a couple of weeks about 10 months ago.
Again I am not sure if she did or did not date anyone as she likes to play these games.
And eventually likes to tell me or somehow leak out the person she dated when we broke up.
But last week during an argument she brought this person up. Again he is a mystery and if real then it is someone I know and this is why she will not tell me who he is.
When I break her balls back about her phantom boyfriend she gets that *"OH MY GOD I WANT TO TELL YOU SO BAD TO SHUT YOU UP, but all it will do is piss you off" * She tells me if we divorce she will then show me.

In my head she might be talking with this guy while rubbing it out. I don't know because I can't see if she is or hear if she is on the phone ( separate phone bills)
My head goes all over the place.
But from past experience with my Ex wife I don't put anything past anyone and anything is possible

What she said about this guy was basically if she leaves she is going to call this guy up.
Again I ask how would you know this guy is available unless you are still talking to him.
Her answer is not to answer or dismiss things.. She does the yea, yea whatever line.. Or I am not even going to answer that comment.

Of course now here is the game.. I need meds.( She like to diagnose me ) she is in fear of her life.. But she was barking orders at me this morning.. So much for the fear..

Every therapist we went to with her tells her otherwise. I actually been told by therapists ( yes more than one ) to leave her. One therapist won't even talk to her. Blocked her number.. What she likes to do is go session.. Complain and then not be around when the therapist turns it around on her. So it will be complaints about me that I need to address but when she see's next week is on her.. She doesn't come for weeks and then the cycle starts over.

I know I am all over the place here with this post. Sorry..

I know trying to take a TV off the wall wasn't a smart move. My emotions were high with everything going on.



EleGirl said:


> ? If so, do you ever do it when your wife is not there with you?


Elegirl, of course but more when I am not getting it from her..

I have expressed this to her..
Jerking off is like eating a Donuts. It satisfying for the moment.
But having sex is like eating steak. it satisfying for the day.

If you gave me a choice jerk off or sex, sex wins all the time.

But I never told my wife give me a few I am going to jerk off. Which is what pretty much she did.
Yea I consider this a punishment but all it does is piss me off to want to fvck her less.

Look most Massage places with "Happy endings" and over all prostitutes in general are at least 90% for men or targeting men.
If jerking off was so satisfying then men would not go to rub and tug or a prostitute.
It clearly for the interaction with another human being.. It might be about sexual pleasure, but its about human contact. Again if it wasn't then these places would not exist.

This is what I have brought up to her as well in the past.
She does use sex as a weapon using rejection to punish.

I was married 20 years previously and I have never had my ex wife reject me as much as my current wife has in 6 years and I made that clear.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well, it looks pretty clear to me -- SHE wants nothing to do with you, you are just there to provide the big house for her.
1) SELL the house, get out from under it.
2) when you separated, was it OK then to see other people? Had you discussed that? If not, she cheated.
3)If she threatens you with "I'm going to be with him" if you D, tell her "there's the door -- don't let it hit you in the ass".
4)Start recording your interactions with her. If you D SHE is going to say you abused her, you hit her, get a restraining order to keep you out of your own house --- I just get that sense from what you wrote about her, so PROTECT yourself, ok?
5)Start doing the 180 -- she doesn't want to interact with you anyway, right? So STOP interacting.
If she wants to masterbate with the door locked, just ingore it and leave the house. Stop trying to have sex with her and work on improving yourself, your relationship with your kids. I have a feeling that's what you are going to be left with anyway.
6) Maybe talk to some lawyers to see what D would look like and what sort of plans you need to start thinking about.

You can't keep a marriage going when it's all one sided.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Way off Topic..

But I can tell you I get along 1000x better with my ex wife today then I do my wife..
If you asked me today about the whole thing with my Ex wife.. It was this.

The Grass is greener.. I am missing out on something.. 

Then it was 
I fvcked up.. This was a mistake.. The grass isn't greener.. Things are not better.. My husband was a great guy. 

I promise anyone if they spoke to my Ex wife today she would have nothing but accolades about me. 
My current wife like to make comments about my divorce and her leaving and I challenge her every time to call my Ex wife for herself and see. I told her she won't like what she hears.

Does my wife want to come back ? She never clearly expressed it but she also knows after what she did she could never ask me. But If anyone see us interact you would think we were still married.. I wish I could have this type of interaction with my current wife..


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> Well, it looks pretty clear to me -- SHE wants nothing to do with you, you are just there to provide the big house for her.
> 1) SELL the house, get out from under it.
> 2) when you separated, was it OK then to see other people? Had you discussed that? If not, she cheated.
> 3)If she threatens you with "I'm going to be with him" if you D, tell her "there's the door -- don't let it hit you in the ass".
> ...


Retired LE so yea I can see she would go that route.. 
She has already told me several times she will not leave for 12 months even if divorced tomorrow. She is dumb in the sense she thinks the judge would allow that. She doesn't know once the judge hears the story he will give her 90 days to vacate.. 

Divorce wise she knows she will owe me money. 
The house is totally mine. There might be some threats in court but in the end I know financially she is on the losing end. She knows it too. 
This is her M/O.. She will call her lawyer.. The lawyer tells her she is fvcked if she does not get me to sign a prenup or postnup now as I can take her for money. 
She will tell me she was talking her lawyer and then say as if in passing *"You know we should do the prenup thing you were talking about long ago.. You know.. Whats your is yours and whats mine is mine thing.." * She literally thinks I am that retarded.. Like I don't know where this is coming from.. 

I didn't have to move.. I moved because of her. I can prove that in court.. I can prove that she agreed to help me. 
End result she has property worth 150k. She would have to probably sign that over to me. She knows it.

I do the 180 all the time. Which of course pisses her off.

But I have told her several times I am not looking to fight. I am looking to fix this. 
She just moved in about a 4 weeks ago. A lot going on.
But this isn't helping either. 

At this point I told her if you want meds then convince the therapist I need them. But you have to come to every therapy session no excuses.. She agreed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> *Assorted work on the house because my wife was not moving in at the time which now is useless. So money wasted.*
> Its any easy 50k spent and I can't even afford to fix the central air so I have to put AC in the windows.


What type of work on a home would be wasted?

I know you think there are slim pickens' out there; but (jeebus), this is what you settled for?

And, coming to tears because your wife is masturbating? Something is wrong. Get back with your therapist without your wife.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hardtohandle said:


> Retired LE so yea I can see she would go that route..
> She has already told me several times she will not leave for 12 months even if divorced tomorrow. She is dumb in the sense she thinks the judge would allow that. She doesn't know once the judge hears the story he will give her 90 days to vacate..
> 
> Divorce wise she knows she will owe me money.
> ...


So, here's the thing. NO MATTER WHAT, you cannot have a one-sided marriage. She clearly, from what you've stated, really DOES NOT WANT to work on the marriage, and doesn't seem to care (other than the $$) if you even stayed married.

So, what are YOU getting out of this other than emotionally abused?
You said:
"But I have told her several times I am not looking to fight. I am looking to fix this."
But SHE has to want to fix it or NOTHING will happen. It seems to me that she doesn't want to work on this at ALL. Just have YOU provide the nice house for her to live her OWN life in with little to no regard for you, your feelings, or your marriage.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

I would have said, well rub one out while we do it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Your W just wanted you to provide for HER children, this is horrible abuse throw her out now and don't look back, call the cops to get her removed. There is nothing to save here, except your mental and physical health.

She has no love for you and your separation awhile back was most likely an affair of some sort. It likely ended when her affair partner was discovered to have lied about how much money he has.

There is no upside here for you only years or decades of pain, lose a user gain a life.

Does she also abuse or is nasty to your daughter, or does she need her for babysitting?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
> She says its not the same.
> 
> But of course I brought up the one time in the past (During an argument) she basically said she rubbed it out and wasn't interested in having sex.
> ...


I'll toss in my 2¢... Some research suggests that "stress" plays a significant role in individual sexuality. Some people respond to stress by actually getting aroused and subsequently seeking a way to self pleasure as a way to escape from stress and self sooth. Others may respond by completely suppressing their sexuality until the stress is gone. 

Then as marital relations become stressful and sex becomes weaponized as a way to passive aggressively inflict pain onto one another, the notion of how sexuality and stress combine takes on a whole new role. Adding more stress to sex can now become pleasurable in the form of passive aggressive sadism towards a spouse. Things can get both pretty toxic and somehow exciting all at the same time.

The million dollar question here is how do you transform this dynamic into a form of hysterical bonding that is sustainable and loving towards one another? 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Hardtohandle,

How long have you been married to this woman?

Your relationship is a mess, just get out of it asap.

Also, your attempt to pull the TV off the wall is a threat of violence. What were you going to do with it if you were able to pull it off? Just stand there and hold it? Of course not. You need to get away from her before your rage leads to you doing some stupid things.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

You are definitely off base here. Married or not, you don't get to control what she does with her own body. Give her some space. Really not a big deal.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

perhaps a compromise both of you can masturbate on your own and in private but both of you agree if the other partner is interested in sex that you will accompanied each other regardless if it is a day in which either one of you has sex for one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

From your first thread, posters told you that she was a user and not to marry her.

You broke up with her several times and then you always took her back.

All of this was predictable. Sad but true. So FINALLY be done. Divorce her. And move on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Get done with this woman. The fact that you were almost in tears because she chose to masturbate shows you have some issues to work on ASAP: Why you even care what this horrible women is doing?? Please work towards getting yourself out of this **** show of a relationship.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She can have some privacy when you are not around. She is being very selfish and disrespectful. I don’t love my hubby and still would never ever do or say such a thing.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

fencewalker said:


> You are definitely off base here. Married or not, you don't get to control what she does with her own body. Give her some space. Really not a big deal.


My whole issue is how she was pretty much telling me she would rather masturbate then fvck me. 

To me it was very de-masculating. 
I just never heard of someone telling their partner excuse me gonna go jerk off,not interested in fvcking..
I just didn't think it was the right thing. She has a lot of alone time.. She doesn't get up until 12 pm .. She only works a few hours a day.. 
I am not locking myself in the bedroom and jerking off and announcing it. 

I think doing that to your spouse is a bit damaging and sends the wrong message to them. Assuming you love them.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Yea


EleGirl said:


> @Hardtohandle,
> 
> How long have you been married to this woman?
> 
> ...


Yep. The TV thing is abusive, plain and simple. If this is how you manage your anger, you really need to look into anger management.

If my hubby did that I'd call 911.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

Hardtohandle said:


> To me it was very de-masculating.
> I just never heard of someone telling their partner excuse me gonna go jerk off,not interested in fvcking..


Seeing your wife pleasure herself when you're right there makes you feel like she's saying there's something wrong with you. I get it and I respect your feelings here. But, respectfully, I must also say that this is rigid, black-or-white thinking. This sort of logic is common in marriages but applied to anything else, we can immediately see how silly it is. Let's say you cooked for your wife and she really liked your cooking. Would you be offended if once in a while she grabbed a bite alone at her favorite snack shop? What if you were a carpenter and she truly liked the work that you did around the house. Would it emasculate you if she found a couple of items at the Home Depot that she wanted to purchase? Her taking some alone time is her prerogative, married or not. You owe her an apology for the television, you owe her an apology for your behavior, and for this marriage to have any chance of success, you need to accept the fact that being married to someone does not give you control over their body or their fantasies.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

fencewalker said:


> Seeing your wife pleasure herself when you're right there makes you feel like she's saying there's something wrong with you. I get it and I respect your feelings here. But, respectfully, I must also say that this is rigid, black-or-white thinking. This sort of logic is common in marriages but applied to anything else, we can immediately see how silly it is. Let's say you cooked for your wife and she really liked your cooking. Would you be offended if once in a while she grabbed a bite alone at her favorite snack shop? What if you were a carpenter and she truly liked the work that you did around the house. Would it emasculate you if she found a couple of items at the Home Depot that she wanted to purchase? Her taking some alone time is her prerogative, married or not. *You owe her an apology* for the television, you owe her an apology for your behavior, and for this marriage to have any chance of success, you need to accept the fact that being married to someone does not give you control over their body or their fantasies.


Curious if you read any of the back story? Post #8 is a good start.

The topic of the OP is just a small snapshot of a MUCH bigger problem. 

As to the bolded part.....nope.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Curious if you read any of the back story? Post #8 is a good start.


Yes, I read it. I stand by my post.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I said more than once on your other threads that at some level you like the drama and chaos she brings to your life. I still believe that. Few men would have taken her back once — let alone however many times you have. Again, she’s a user and always has been and always will be. She loves throwing in your face the men she sees when the two of you are on one of your many “breaks”. Apparently you don’t feel you deserve better than her so you’ll have as much drama and chaos as you can handle for whatever time you have left on this planet. That’s a crazy life but it’s your choice.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Hardtohandle I read through your last thread from 4 months ago. Have you ever listened to Dan Savage? He talks about "The Price of Admission". In relationships it's the behaviors or faults we are willing to overlook or live with in order to be with a specific person. 

You mentioned in your other thread that your wife is very attractive and makes good money but she's a narcissist. You specifically said that she's a "better catch" than the vast majority of available single women. You valued her looks and her earning ability more than her personality and treatment of you. 

That's the Price of Admission to be with your beautiful and financially independent wife. She's a narcissist who uses sex to punish you. She knows exactly which buttons to push to send you over the edge.

I am not justifying her behavior but she is who she is. There are pros and cons. You need to decide if the negatives outweigh the positives and if you are willing to risk what you have for the unknown.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I said more than once on your other threads that at some level you like the drama and chaos she brings to your life. I still believe that. Few men would have taken her back once — let alone however many times you have. Again, she’s a user and always has been and always will be. She loves throwing in your face the men she sees when the two of you are on one of your many “breaks”. Apparently you don’t feel you deserve better than her so you’ll have as much drama and chaos as you can handle for whatever time you have left on this planet. That’s a crazy life but it’s your choice.


Both therapist tell me the same thing about *"Apparently you don’t feel you deserve better than her" *Both ask me what happen in your life that you don't deserve better. They ask and try to figure out why I look for this punishment.

I just spoke to both yesterday out of coincidence. One because it was a session and the other because she said she wanted to go to the sessions again but backed out today.. Both again tell me to get rid of her.

Today - We talked, we argued, we talked some more. We ended on some semi even ground on the discussions. So there is talk about sex tonight. In the end she says shes too tired to take care of me but if I wanted I could take care of her or she could just rub it out. But as you can see in no way are any of my needs going to be taken care of.

But the way she talks to me its like I'm not even human. Not trying to be polite.. Sugarcoat it somehow.. Just very blunt. But she throws in the line like if you cared about me you would take care of me. Like I'm the bad guy if I don't.. But then I can go jerk off in a corner I guess.

I cool off... I go back in and I tell her how can I explain how your hurting my feelings talking to me like this. I said if you were leaving.. If I wasn't your husband and just some guy your fvcking I could see how you could be this blunt.. But I am not.. This just isn't the way a spouse and a partner talks to their partner.

She gives out a big sigh and says she doesn't have time to be pleasant and nice.
I keep my cool.. We talk some more and she eventually half hardly apologizes. Of course with the added buts and attempts for excuses.

Her overall excuse* NOW* is she doesn't have time for the overall big production of sex..

To me she just wants a divorce but just doesn't have the ballz to pull the trigger so taunts me to break.

Look I cried and sobbed when my ex wife was leaving and divorcing. But then there came a point where I stopped and got angry and crushed my ex wife in court.. There other stuff going on like her ex calling child services on her so there is a big bag of shltz going on. Her Ex got me involved. Got my kids involved.. My Ex wife involved.. My brother involved.. My 86 year old mother..

When I brought up that she got me involved in a bag of shltz she gets upset like its no big deal. How dare I get upset that my kids, brother, mother and ex wife have to be interviewed with what she is going through with this.. That I should be more worried about her and her issues.

End result with all of this..

I told her do what you want.. But I will do the same.. We will just end up in a vicious cycle of tit for tat and it will go nowhere. I told her I needed privacy today in the bedroom and tossed her out she freaked out.. It was comical.

I told her you want to punish me and then you want me to bow down and beg for forgiveness. All you will get is a defiant slave..

What gets me is that things were okay.. We sort of cooled off. 
Then she comes at me like I stated above.. Its like the same stuff all over again. She does a lot of that lets fvck and then nah don't want to. It got to the point I would rub it out before coming over because that was the semi norm and I told her about. She didn't me to jerk off and wanted me to "save it " but then decided she was slighted and didn't want to fvck. So I would end up leaving and going home to just jerk off. 

At that time I told her when you stop using sex against me I will stop TCB before coming over..

Because what happens since I am already a bit sated it takes a bit more for me to get erect. I took the edge off.
Again I would tell her.. You invited me to gun range to shoot. Now I am here with a loaded gun to shoot. If you tell me you don't want to shoot now. I will go to my own gun range by myself. 

Mind you I have taken care of her when I just couldn't do it.. I was too tired.. Jerked off too much maybe.. anxiety.. Who knows.. Just not into it maybe.. 
But she has NEVER done taken care of me.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

fencewalker said:


> Seeing your wife pleasure herself when you're right there makes you feel like she's saying there's something wrong with you. I get it and I respect your feelings here. But, respectfully, I must also say that this is rigid, black-or-white thinking. This sort of logic is common in marriages but applied to anything else, we can immediately see how silly it is. Let's say you cooked for your wife and she really liked your cooking. Would you be offended if once in a while she grabbed a bite alone at her favorite snack shop? What if you were a carpenter and she truly liked the work that you did around the house. Would it emasculate you if she found a couple of items at the Home Depot that she wanted to purchase? Her taking some alone time is her prerogative, married or not. You owe her an apology for the television, you owe her an apology for your behavior, and for this marriage to have any chance of success, you need to accept the fact that being married to someone does not give you control over their body or their fantasies.


Fencewalker I get what you are saying.. I have conflicting issues with it but Sex has dwindled between us. It used to be 5 days a week, several times a day.. Now its about once a week. That is a BIG change.

When I tried to do the same today she freaked out.. I asked her to leave the bedroom and she was stunned. She left and I locked the door.. She proceeded to call me 10 times makes excuses why its not fair and she needed to get in to do work.. ETC.. Just basically anything to get me out of the room.. I eventually conceded and left the room. 

But in the end I told basically she can do what she wants but so can I.. But it seems this is the new game where now we are telling each other we want to go masturbate. Or at least her new game. 

Listen I have asked several people. 
In my 52 years on this planet I have never heard spouse asking or telling their partner they were going to another room to masturbate. 

I will ask here is this the norm and I just never seen it.. I will tell you the 4 or 5 close friends I asked never heard this or experienced this either..


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Hardtohandle said:


> Both therapist tell me the same thing about *"Apparently you don’t feel you deserve better than her" *Both ask me what happen in your life that you don't deserve better. They ask and try to figure out why I look for this punishment.
> 
> I just spoke to both yesterday out of coincidence. One because it was a session and the other because she said she wanted to go to the sessions again but backed out today.. Both again tell me to get rid of her.
> 
> ...


It's a merry go round, and the only way you get off it is to either:

1) Channel your inner arsehole and treat her like **** as she is a narcissist (I don't recommend this) and will more than likely only respond to being treated badly as a sign she needs to prove herself. Sick but I have had experience with that. It's draining and kills the soul but it's an option, maybe not a long term one though.

2) Do some SERIOUS soul searching and get to the bottom of why your 'radar' is aligned in such a way that you keep having drama reoccur in your life. This takes time and distance (i.e seperation/divorce) from whatever is causing you grief, but in the long run will give you great rewards.

3) Continue on your current course... I'm pretty sure you know where this goes...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think she wants a divorce or she wouldn’t have worked so hard for years to get to this point. She absolutely does want things to go her way and she expects you to shut up and let that happen. I think you probably do love her but she definitely doesn’t love you and never did. I don’t think you’ll divorce her so, unfortunately, this is your life.

PS
She’s planning on outliving you so I hope you have a Will indicating what goes to your sons because she’ll take it all if she can.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you had some health issues before you met her. You do know stress isn’t good for that, right?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Hardtohandle said:


> My whole issue is how she was pretty much telling me she would rather masturbate then fvck me.
> 
> To me it was very de-masculating.
> I just never heard of someone telling their partner excuse me gonna go jerk off,not interested in fvcking..
> ...


If that doesn't provide you with enough motivation to file on her ass, what will?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Five times a week and multiple times a day is a bit much for a LOT of women.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> In my 52 years on this planet I have never heard spouse asking or telling their partner they were going to another room to masturbate.


I always tell her, it a kind of invitation. She is always welcome to join or assist me, but from the start, don't walk in on me. Locking the door doesn't really work with the way we live in our space. And if she wants some action for herself I'm of course available.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

Hardtohandle said:


> In my 52 years on this planet I have never heard spouse asking or telling their partner they were going to another room to masturbate.


My wife gives me privacy when I want to masturbate. And I bought her a vibrator.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

H2H:

Is this the same one you broke up with while dating due to her orbiters she refused to get rid of?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

When she wants to masturbate, let her do it when ever, where ever.

I'm stuck with a wife that doesn't masturbate, and, doesn't have a libido to speak of. I'm basically in a sexless marriage now at age 65.

I'd give up a few thoudand dollars if my wife at least masturbated regularly if she threw in couples sex once in a while.

Now, having said the above. If you don't love her any more, or, she doesn't love you. End your marriage and move on.

Find a free loving lady that likes to have regular couples sex, and, enjoys her own time masturbating alone. There is nothing wrong with a woman having a healthy appetite for both IMHO. This sad of me to say, however, I'd even be happy with a bisexual lady doing me, her lady friend, as well as her vibrator as long as it was consistent, and, on a regular basis.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hardtohandle said:


> But she throws in the line like if you cared about me you would take care of me.


So, did you flip it back on her? If SHE cared about YOU, she would take care of YOU??? If not, WHY DIDN'T YOU?



Hardtohandle said:


> She gives out a big sigh and says she doesn't have time to be pleasant and nice.


Then you don't either. WHY are you putting up with someone who treats you like this? She can't be NICE to the person she is married to? WOW, just wow.
I don't see what the attraction is to a person like this -- she sounds like an abrasive, nasty person to be around. I wouldn't want to be FRIENDS with someone like this much less married to one.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

fencewalker said:


> My wife gives me privacy when I want to masturbate. And I bought her a vibrator.


But I am guessing by your openness and ease with it that you and your wife don't let your "private time" interfere with eachother's sexual needs...you aren't trying to emotionally manipulate eachother by masturbating...I believe HIS wife IS, and that's what he's really bothered about - what it means that she would rather manipulate him than connect with him and care for him.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Hardtohandle said:


> I will ask here is this the norm and I just never seen it.. I will tell you the 4 or 5 close friends I asked never heard this or experienced this either..


You should have your answer from the varied responses you've received - SOME couples are open with eachother about this, and some are not.

But that isn't what your problem is - your problem is that when your wife does it, it sounds like she is doing to to manipulate you and hurt you...and from your other posts, I guess you should just add this to the list of other ways she tries to do the same thing. 

Now here's the thing - YOU are ALLOWING it...and I'm not sure why.

Let me ask you this -- WHY do you love her...? What about her makes you happy? 
Also, WHY do you keep playing these games with her, when you feel SO unfulfilled and unhappy...? You have gotten GREAT advice and insight to all your posts about your marriage, but you keep ignoring that and coming back with new disappointments and hurts...WHAT have YOU done to set boundaries for the way you will be treated? WHY do you stay with her if EVERYONE, even counseling professionals, tell you to leave...? 

WHAT do you get from being with her...??


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

secretsheriff said:


> Yea
> 
> 
> Yep. The TV thing is abusive, plain and simple. If this is how you manage your anger, you really need to look into anger management.
> ...


Exactly right!

It is no wonder why she wants to, and maybe even needs to, masturbate in private.

Mental and physical abuse is wrong. The TV deed was abusive and domestic violence, plain and simple.

What she did was borderline wrong too. However, she has the right to masturbate as much as she wants, and needs to, as long as it doesn't replace couples sex within a good relationship.

I've made my wife aware that she can masturbate any time she wants to. I'll leave our home to accomodate her privacy, if necessary. If she told me in advance, that she wanted it to happen, I would give her the option of me staying somewhere else in the house, or leaving.

I can only wish that my wife was currently healthy enough for couples sex never mind masturbation.

An anger management course is in order for the OP.

At this point, it sounds like divorce is in order!


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## Ninelivesboy87 (8 mo ago)

Hardtohandle said:


> Long story short my wife had the bedroom door locked.
> We had a discussion and she basically said she wanted some alone time to masturbate.
> 
> I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
> ...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Hardtohandle said:


> Long story short my wife had the bedroom door locked.
> We had a discussion and she basically said she wanted some alone time to masturbate.
> 
> I of course responded back with why would you do that when I am right here..
> ...


Zombie thread has awakened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"What's this? Oh. Another Zombie thread."









"Begone, Zombie thread!" For the first time Zombie Cat's wizarding cousin, Oswin, has joined in the fun and frolics.


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