# Am I being a jerk



## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

Been married almost 25 years and wondering if I will make 26. Our marriage had minor issues but then things turned for the worse with my wifes step father passing away 5 years ago. My in laws lived nearby up to ten years ago when due to job they moved 180 miles away. This was fine since it was nice to go away to visit them and stay in their 5 bedroom mansion even though it was just the two of them since my mother in law would only move if step father bought this house. Then one year later step father lost job and mother in law liked it in her mansion that she said she didn't want to move back even though job market was better here than there(Michigan).Step father in law got new job two years later but sure enough it was back here and mother in law still didn't want to move so step father had to commute every week down here and would go back up on weekends only to drive half way bback this way since mother in law has somewhat of a gambling addictionand doesn't drive or work.After less than one year of this step father died of massive heart attack and mother in law still refuses to move back.So now my wife and her sister, who is in a marriage where she knows her husband cheated on her and basically have no relationship but stay married for the kids and money since her sister has nurses degree but works 15 hours a week at Pediatrician's office, go up every 3 weeks to pick up their mom and then drive back half way to take her to the gambling boat . This wouldn't be that bad but since our anniversary is mothers day weekend every anniversary weekend she spends with mom.The last straw was her telling me that next weekend she is going to the boat because their is a chance to win a diamond.So great Valentines weekend spent alone.I have asked why I can't go but she says I wouldn't have fun since I would be only guy there.Don't you think it is rude of her mother and sister to never include me in their weekends?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Are you being a jerk? no
Is your wife being rude? yes

Your wife seems to have a great sense of family, that's good on one hand. On the other, are you part of that?


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## AMOR (Feb 7, 2010)

No I don't feel like you are being a jerk. It is kind of inconsiderate of your wife. I mean sure everyone wants to spend one on one time with their mom and sister but every other weekend, and being that far AND telling you you can't be involved is pushing it.....


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## SpliceStyle (Feb 8, 2010)

Your wife is being a jerk not you.


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## Mrcatch22 (Feb 9, 2010)

In a round about way thats what i'm dealing with. I get to spend one day a week with my wife cause of conflicting work schedules and it seems like she would rather spend it with her mother in law and step brothers. The gets pissed cause I ask her to stay home and spend time with me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, she's with YOU 2 to 3 weeks out of every month? My mother just died, and I barely saw her that much, and we live in the same town. I have a hard time feeling sorry when it's her mother she's going to see. Someone else, maybe. But they're gone all too soon, as you found out with her SD.

Tell her that you miss her, and that YOU would love to spend time with her mother, too. Go with her this weekend - it IS VD, after all. See what happens.


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## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

They only could get one room for this weekend.Also doesn't anybody think that the mother in law is selfish for staying where she is at?To expect her daughters to drive that far to pick her up doesn't seem excessive to anyone?Also the only thing they want to do in her family is Christmas and Thanksgiving get together and then mother inlaw doesn't care to see grandkids because she just wants to go to gambling boat.Also when she did live here in same town year as us years ago when she was in her 50's and she drove more she never came to see kids in sporting or school events.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So get another room.


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## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

There are no more rooms available. I jsut can't believe nobody finds it strange that this woman chooses to live 180 miles away from any relatives and expects her daughters to come pick her up drive her back her for holidays and then drive her back afterwards.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She does, and they do. I don't think men understand the way women need to spend such time together. 

You are going on and on about how YOU feel, but spending no time trying to determine how your _wife_ feels. You'd probably get better results if you did that. You seem to want her to think like you, and want what you want. She obviously doesn't. Find out why.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Does she have a medical reason why she can't drive? If she does - then I understand - if not I don't. Not the every month thing - unless your wife now has an addiction as well and this is the enabler.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Where the MIL chooses to live is none of your business or ours. What is going on between you and your wife IS your business and you've asked for our opinions. 

Turnera hit the nail on the head; this is all about YOU getting what you want and not about fixing your marriage problem. 

If you want to fix the problem, you first need to learn that most of us won't think either partner is "right;" it's just what might work best for the marriage.

Wife feels conflicting wants/needs; you feel needs/wants unmet. This is such an easy one to compromise on. Tell her you feel lonely for her--just tell her your feelings. Then discuss a compromise where she cuts back to once/month alone to her mom's, and once a month w/sis to her mom's. Any extra visits, the whole family goes to Grandma's, or you send her a bus ticket to visit. Choosing to get all bent out of shape over this b/c it is Valentine's Day isn't very mature; it's just a manufactured holiday. Let that go, be calm, and insist on marriage counseling if your wife does not seem interested in your feelings. Don't get mad about it--that won't help. You will just seem selfish and controlling. If this is really about spending time with your wife, btw, you should be finding babysitters for some of that time so you can have couples time. She doesn't get to relax if she is "mom" all day--probably one of the reasons she enjoys taking weekends "off."

Or are you really just tired of having to take care of the kids "all weekend?"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Plus, you've been married 25 years. It's a good bet that neither of you do much in the way of stepping out of your comfort zone to make the other feel loved and wanted. So...if she doesn't feel excited to be around you, she will or may choose something else to do. Thus, this is in YOUR hands.

Do you know what your Love Busters are? Those are the things that you do that make your wife unhappy. Could be (listing my husband's here for example) taking off your socks at the couch and leaving them there for your wife to pick up; never fixing the things your wife asks you to fix; not asking what chores you could take over so your wife doesn't have 95% of the responsibility around the house; giving her _that look_ which makes her feel like you think she's stupid or has done something wrong; deciding to do something but never saying out loud that you have decided to do that something, thus your wife never knows until the last minute. These are just examples of things that, over time, can make your wife NOT in a hurry to get home to you, because she anticipates unpleasant feelings when around you. There's a questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com that you can print out and ask her to fill out, so that you know _specifically_ what your LBs are. Once you know them, STOP doing them!

Once you get that down, new habits formed, you can print out and ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire from the same place. It will tell you what her top ENs are - typical ones for women are conversation, honesty, domestic support, financial stability, and admiration. If you are the one person in this world who meets all her needs, she'll cross mountains to be around you as much as she can, because you _meeting_ those needs makes her feel GOOD. You'd have to pry her away from you to go see her mom. Obviously, her ENs for conversation and admiration are getting met by helping her mom so much. How can YOU meet those needs?

Why does this work? Because we do what feels good, and avoid what doesn't. If YOU are the source of everything that feels good for her, it is YOU she'll want to be around.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know what a good start would be? She's no doubt coming home Sunday, right? Well, that is still Valentine's Day! If she's coming home before 9, have some roses, a card, a box of candy, and a dinner reservation waiting for her when she gets home, and whisk her away to a romantic evening. If she's coming home after 9, have the bedroom ready with candles, incense, mood music, and massage lotion so you can give her a massage after her long trip.

Instead of griping and moping, show her what Valentine's Day would look like if she stays home with you next time.


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## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

First off it is not me not wanting to spend time with the kids since the two still at home are in high school and don't need watching.Second off my mother in law when her husband was alive would never have thought about spending time with her daughters on Valentines Day but now she could care less about her son in law.And forget the Valentines dinner etc. ,my wife can't even undress in front of me .And my mother in law has no medical problem preventing her from driving,she drives to the store about 2 miles away and thats it and won't even think about going on the interstate.And I have suggested the train which goes right to the town where we live and where the gambling boat is but my wife and her sister say their mom should not lower herself and travel that way. This woman chooses to live away from us for a reason because she is selective on who and when she wants to see us. She is a selfish woman with money and her daughters don't want to miss out on her inheritance since they have a half sister who is the daughter of the step dad and their mom who wants nothing to do with this lady but at age 30 is supported by her with over half her income.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, it's obvious that you want NOTHING except your MIL out of your life. You're not willing to do ANYTHING on your end, and all you want from us is to agree with you that you are a victim.

Sorry. Not from me.


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## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

My wife and I live paycheck to paycheck also trying to put kids thru college, and my wife was out of work for 9 months. So my wife is putting hundreds of miles on her car and we have no cash to buy a new one and this woman has a nice little nest egg, and a $600000 home that is 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. And all she gives her daughters is $20 in gas and some gambling money .And you wonder why I want this selfish thing out of my life. My wife had cancer 5 years ago and she never came down to visit while my wife was going thru chemo treatments and you wonder why I want this woman out of my life.You are not making a good arguement why any of this makes sense.Our marriage had very few issues before my step father in law died and now I have to deal with this selfishness this woman is all about. Instead of losing $5000 at the boat every other weekend help her grand kids out with there college loans or give my wife and her sister some cash so they can get rid of her 10 year old cars that are falling apart.But I am the jerk who has worked his whole life and this woman hasn't worked in over 20 years but found a sugar daddy to help her with her lazy and expensive life style and then pretty much killed him off as I wrote in my opening.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am not arguing that your wife would do better to stay home with you. But she is her own person. She has to WANT to be home with you, and obviously, the pull to help her mother, or be with her mother, or whatever the reasoning is, is stronger than her desire to spend time with you.

THAT is something you CAN control. You can make being with YOU a more attractive offer, by being the person who meets all her needs and doesn't upset her. It's a mathematical equation, turned psychology. If she thinks of you and feels all giddy and happy, she'd be spending more time with you, even if it meant disappointing a controlling, guilt-tripping mother. Apparently she doesn't. Apparently the sour feelings she knows she generates with you don't outweigh the needs she's getting met by being her mom's mule.

Most likely, it's a childhood issue, if MIL is truly that much of a harpy. She probably raised her daughters to think that if they didn't continue to 'prove' their love to her, she wouldn't love them in return. Your wife likely doesn't even realize it's happening. But that draw, that pull, that NEED to see her mother pleased with her is too strong to pull away from her.


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

Your mother in law sounds like a control freak. And from what you've written it doesn't sound like your wife want to change. The question is can you accept things as they are or not?


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## brucesprings (Feb 7, 2010)

Right now I can't afford to get divorced. And I hate to say it but I want to stay married so when this selfish woman does pass on and then I will see how our marriage is.


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