# Looking for advice



## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Hello everyone, I posted on this website roughly a year ago looking for advice. When I did, I received many different opinions and some were even a little hard to handle and I felt I had to cease my search. I find myself back here now because my situation has not altered and I would still like to hear some different opinions and advice. I don't want to write a public post because the last time I posted it made me feel very exposed and uncomfortable (despite the anonymity) I am looking to talk with someone. I don't care if it is a woman or a man but they have to be willing to offer me unprejudiced thoughts on predominantly, age-gap relationships but also feelings of isolation and sexual difficulties. I find myself here because I have no one in my day-to-day reality who I feel comfortable to talk to. I can't always respond to messages because I don't always have a lot of time and time zone differences could make it harder too but I will endeavour to respond asap. If someone can find the time to be an ear then it would be much appreciated. Thank you


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Has anyone found that there can be specific problems in age gap relationships that are irrelevant to others or are most problems just problems regardless of age?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> Has anyone found that there can be specific problems in age gap relationships that are irrelevant to others or are most problems just problems regardless of age?


Based on my experience from two age gap relationships (>10yrs difference in both) where I was the younger party, there were common problems between the two. However they also each had unique challenges that had more to do with emotional baggage and family of origin issues.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm sorry. It is next to impossible to give advice because you don't give any details.

Try telling your story leaving out super identifying (personal) details, and then you should get a lot of help.

If you didn't like what you heard last time, I doubt the advice will change much. You are back because whatever you are doing didn't work, right? So let us know what is going on so we can help you. 

There are tons of great people who are willing to give you their time, advice, and insight, all while keeping your anonymity for FREE. Otherwise, hire a counselor and pay them to listen and help you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> I'm sorry. It is next to impossible to give advice because you don't give any details.
> 
> Try telling your story leaving out super identifying (personal) details, and then you should get a lot of help.
> 
> ...


OP. This is an accurate read on what this site can offer.

My wife is 11 years older than me. I met her when I was 20 and I am 47 now. We have two sons and a granddaughter with a grandson on the way.

Ask some specific questions and talk about what you are going through. You may get some off color advice but I can at least guarantee my experience is 27 years strong and tested in many ways.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Thank you. We have a 20 year age gap. I am the younger party. We met when I was 18. This is my only long term relationship. We have been together 15 years and have two children. I have no desire to sleep with him anymore. But I do it because I love him. It definitely feels more like an act of love than anything with sexual passion. I have nothing to compare it to though. But we are great friends and have made a good life together.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

vivid_idea said:


> Thank you. We have a 20 year age gap. I am the younger party. We met when I was 18. This is my only long term relationship. We have been together 15 years and have two children. I have no desire to sleep with him anymore. But I do it because I love him. It definitely feels more like an act of love than anything with sexual passion. I have nothing to compare it to though. But we are great friends and have made a good life together.


If you poke around on this site you will see a ton of similar situations and most have Nothing to do with age.

Anything in particular turn you off about sex with him?


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

No he is a wonderful man. I just don't view him sexually anymore


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

vivid_idea said:


> No he is a wonderful man. I just don't view him sexually anymore



How has he changed in 15 years?

what captivated him to you 15 years ago?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Don’t feel bad. He knew this would happen when he was 38 and ****ing an 18 year old. He got to live the Dream. Good for him. Now do what every other 30+ year old does when they have an old saggy balled husband 20 years older. Find a new boy toy.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

15 years ago he felt a lot younger. The age gap feels bigger now. Even though it probably should feel smaller

Ok Herschel perhaps that is what I want sexually but I have a family and I do love him. Even if that love is more like the love of a friend. How can you tell the difference between different kinds of loves?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> 15 years ago he felt a lot younger. The age gap feels bigger now. Even though it probably should feel smaller
> 
> Ok Herschel perhaps that is what I want sexually but I have a family and I do love him. Even if that love is more like the love of a friend. How can you tell the difference between different kinds of loves?


You are able to tell the difference in love between a friend and a lover so that's exactly how it works in different kinds of love among lovers. My current relationship is the most loving experience I've had although I was convinced it couldn't get any better than my experience in my first relationship. So wrong. When one is able to be fully open and honest with a partner without risking being pushed away or the partner being defensive/getting hurt easily, it makes a really big difference in the connection. This and myself/my partner's willingness to put effort in day in and out to keep the love flowing is what makes the difference. It's the conscious effort to make things the way we want them to be rather than going with the flow and expecting something amazing.

My last partner was over 20yrs older and I too lost my love for him, it grew into a close friendship. In the end we both found fault in the very things that attracted us to each other. Him my youthfulness/free spirit and me, his maturity. I am happy he never asked me to marry because I would have said yes as I felt I still loved him deeply but we would have had a miserable marriage.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Keke24 thank you for sharing your experience. You did not have children with this older man though? Was it a mutual breakup?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> Keke24 thank you for sharing your experience. You did not have children with this older man though? Was it a mutual breakup?


No children, definitely not. I was not interested in having children in my early 20s, too focused on taking advantage of my youth/free spirit to consider that. He had a son with his ex-wife and they had a healthy co-parenting relationship so he was content with that and never pressured me about children. 

Yes this was a mutual break-up although the initial suggestion came from him on the day of the break up. The relationship seemed unhealthy to me as we had many issues, the primary one being my loss of romantic interest towards him and my accompanying lack of interest in sex. However I felt comfortable with the arrangement because he had been the best partner I had had hitherto, he was a nice guy and I thought something was wrong with me for wanting to leave someone who was so "nice", I thought my loss of love meant something was wrong with me and if I could just figure out how to fix it everything would be great and he had adopted a fatherly role that left me feeling like I would not be able to cope without him/his guidance. 

Of course things were more complicated than I can capture here but that was the gist. Ultimately the break up was the best thing for me and I'm in a much better place now. I'm not so sure about my ex as the last we spoke not long after we broke up he ended up in a similar dynamic with a rebound relationship with a new similarly young woman who was quickly losing sexual interest in him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

vivid_idea said:


> No he is a wonderful man. I just don't view him sexually anymore


What type of shape are you two in?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

vivid_idea said:


> No he is a wonderful man. I just don't view him sexually anymore


Can you try and refine the "why?" of this statement?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are a very different person at 33 than at 18. Some of this may not be just age-gap, but age. Its not that surprising that your interests have shifted.

On the other side, people age differently. He is 53 now. For some men, mid 50s is still active, exciting, sexy. For others its...well... old: declining physically, and boring.

If he is starting to get "old" it will only get worse with time. At some point you will still feel young and active while he become frail. 

Is sex the only issue, or is it a more general issue? Do you think the reduction in sexual attraction is caused by other things.?

Many (but not all !) people in long term relationships start to feel that sex is not as interesting anymore.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Thank you for your comments. I will answer when I have a bit more time.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Ok Keke24. Have any advice if I have very similar feelings to you but also have a 9 and 7 yo thrown into the mix.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Conanhub, we are both active and in reasonably good shape. His physique is appearing older though. Tummy is getting bigger and bigger lol


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Conanhub, I don't know why... I feel so comfortable with him I don't even see him as a sexual person anymore. But I look at other men and it feels different.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Uhtred, sex is the main issue but I find I also cannot be open with him about the way I feel. He gets defensive and shuts down and never wants to understand my point of view


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

vivid_idea said:


> Uhtred, sex is the main issue but I find I also cannot be open with him about the way I feel. He gets defensive and shuts down and never wants to understand my point of view


Do you think perhaps he knows how you feel and does not want to hear it?

He's probably picked up on the fact you are not attracted to him anymore.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Manwithnoname, I don't think so. I am still loving, and people tend not to believe what they don't want to believe anyway.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Look,

Your husband knew when he married you this was likely to be a problem eventually. So did you. You have two choices: Keep your marriage vows and have bad or no sex, or divorce and find sex elsewhere. 
We didn't make the choice to marry a man 20 years older. You did. Live with it or not. It's all your decision. 
Nobody can make it for you.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> Ok Keke24. Have any advice if I have very similar feelings to you but also have a 9 and 7 yo thrown into the mix.


I would like to give you advice just as much as the other posters however you need to share more information about your situation, what lead up to it, and your feelings about it at the very least.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

What do you need to know to be able to offer advice? I'm sorry. All sutuations are complicated and I don't know what is relevant


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

What lead up to my situation? Well having children was something that changed everything of course. The first pregnancy was accidental. But since having the children we have been working as an excellent domestic team. Children have kept us busy and doing what we have to. We are affectionate like any other couple. We kiss and embrace. I an at the point where I don't know how to open lines of communication with him anymore. It was never easy because he would always push his point of view and he could never validate or give any weight to what i thought or felt. Now I just can't be bothered and I prefer to keep the peace, which is easy enough to do after 15 years. I hope this info helps 🙂


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

vivid_idea said:


> Thank you. We have a 20 year age gap. I am the younger party. We met when I was 18. This is my only long term relationship. We have been together 15 years and have two children. I have no desire to sleep with him anymore. But I do it because I love him. It definitely feels more like an act of love than anything with sexual passion. I have nothing to compare it to though. But we are great friends and have made a good life together.


It is fairly common for women to lose their desire for sex in long term relationships. It's also common for women's libido to drop after having children. It's said that 75% of women have responsive desire, which means that they don't just spontaneously desire sex. The desire comes after sex has been initiated.

I'm not saying that this IS what's going on with you and your loss of desire for sex with your husband. But it might be.

If that's all that's going on (no other serious problems), then you may be able to re-kindle your desire for sex with your husband (if you want to).

Read 'Wanting Sex Again" by Laurie Watson and/or 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski.

It would be a shame to lose this marriage and start a new relationship only to see yourself losing desire again after a few years. 

Then again, if there are significant problems in your relationship, then it's probably not worth trying.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you think if your husband learned to listen and value your input, spent time “dating” you again, your feelings might change a little?

What you describe is a pretty good relationship. 99% of men could probably be described like your husband. 
But we can all work on listening and showing our wives interest in things.

You really should continue evaluating things. A new man will light your fire at first, must likely, but may be far worse than your husband in the long run. I’m sure you know this. 

What do you think your husband could do on his end to fix this?
Is sex THAT important? I’ve found it becomes less and less important as I age.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Evinrude58, for the first time in my life I feel that sex is very important


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So, is there anything in your mind that your husband could do on his end to fix this?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

When there's a big age gap, the older spouse really needs to be on top of their game. All relationships go through up and downs and it is too easy for a spouse to blame the gap. Especially if there is an interloper or just temptation around. 

With 15 years of history and 2 kids to think of, it would be worth sounding the alarm to your husband to make him aware that the ship of your marriage is heading into troubled waters. We men are sometimes pretty dense when it comes to picking up signs of unhappiness from our wives. When you add the age gap in your marriage, it can be compounded by a relationship with the characteristics of a parent/child type as opposed to husband/wife.

To be honest, I'm getting a vibe that you're searching for approval to move on or permission to cheat. There are some here, who's words will water those seeds that may be taking root in your mind. Remember the grass is greenest where it is watered. 

Don't confuse all of these men who may be whispering in your ears or giving you lustful looks that may be firing up your loins, with anything more than what it is; lusting after an attractive woman. 

Hot guys that are a catch are not looking to snatch up divorcee with kids, which is why the dating sites are loaded with single moms and divorcees with kids.


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## KatL (May 31, 2018)

Is there something new you could try in the bedroom?
Maybe you could try some form of open marriage?


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> So, is there anything in your mind that your husband could do on his end to fix this?


I am not sure. I think it is up to me to change how I view him but I just can't SEE him in that way lately. I wish it wasn't that way, and I don't know what has created it.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Thank you jsmart. I understand what you are saying. I do not want permission to cheat but I also am pretty scared that I can't view my partner sexually any more, and haven't for a long time. And I have no idea what to do about it. Yes I do get attention from other men but I see through their games because essentially it is just a game if you are trying to seduce a taken woman. I think some men are just trying to find themselved an ego trip.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

KatL said:


> Is there something new you could try in the bedroom?
> Maybe you could try some form of open marriage?


 KatL, I wouldn't have a clue how to take a step down that path...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's get down to the brass tacks here. You were a naïve, inexperienced, barely legal girl when a full grown man started preying on you. 

A lot of young women think that these guys are interested in them because they are cuter and nicer and firmer than adult women their own age. 

But the truth is, a 38 year old man moves on an 18 year old because she is easier to manipulate and control. And the reason they need to manipulate and control these young women is not because they are cuter and prettier, but because women their own age can see them for the predators and losers that they are. 

OK so fast forward 15 years and now you are the mature and experienced woman and you see him for the old, manipulative predator that he is. 

You are losing desire for him because you have grown up. You have grown up and now you are starting to see the world for what it really is and not what he tells you it is. 

There really is no fix for this. You have lost desire and respect for him and are taking an interest in men your own age. 

I don't think you can fight this. He can lose the gut but he'll still be a man technically old enough to be your father and he'll still be a man that only avoided jail time because you had reached your 18th birthday. 

No amount of MC or self help books or weight loss can change any of that.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Haha ok oldshirt, some of what yiu say may be true but he did have several women his own age at the time that wanted commitment from him. They weren't too friendly towards me. But anyway, what do you suggest I say/do if it is true that I have now just grown up"? We do have two children. Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊


oldshirt said:


> Let's get down to the brass tacks here. You were a naïve, inexperienced, barely legal girl when a full grown man started preying on you.
> 
> A lot of young women think that these guys are interested in them because they are cuter and nicer and firmer than adult women their own age.
> 
> ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

vivid_idea said:


> Thank you jsmart. I understand what you are saying. I do not want permission to cheat but I also am pretty scared that I can't view my partner sexually any more, and haven't for a long time. And I have no idea what to do about it. Yes I do get attention from other men but I see through their games because essentially it is just a game if you are trying to seduce a taken woman. I think some men are just trying to find themselved an ego trip.


Your words say you don't want to commit adultery but your actions are pointing in a different direction. You say you see through these guys trying to chat you up, but there is no doubt that you're intrigued. It starts with the excuse of not finding your husband attractive enough to have sex with, followed up with a charged up sex drive, and that's followed up with a search for validation from strangers on TAMs sex board.

Here you will be told to divorce or try to manipulate your husband into an open marriage. None of these take your kids into account nor your vows before God.

Was it wrong for a 38 year old man to pursue a 18 year old? Yes. He could have been dating other woman close to his age but let's be real. A mid 30s woman can't compete with an 18 year old, especially if you were a virgin at the time.

But we're not dealing with an 18 year old now. We're dealing with a married 33 year old mother of 2 with 15 years of history. This man didn't take your youth for a couple of years and run. He's built a family with you. 

I believe that it's worth digging deep to try to restore what's been lost than to go down the infidelity or open marriage route. That road is going to end in you being a mid 30s divorcee with kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

vivid_idea said:


> Haha ok oldshirt, some of what yiu say may be true but he did have several women his own age at the time that wanted commitment from him. They weren't too friendly towards me. But anyway, what do you suggest I say/do if it is true that I have now just grown up"? We do have two children. Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊


You have 4 basic options - Then I will suggest a possible 5th but it may only have small possibility of working temporarily.

But anyway, you 4 basic options are - 

- suck it up and live with it. resign yourself to chronic dissatisfaction and frustration in lieu of having some of the other benefits of marriage of his income and assistance in child rearing. 

- seek some form of open marriage/swinging/polyamory with his consent where you can get your physical and sexual needs met outside the marriage but remain in the home and marriage.

- cheat and get those needs met without his knowledge and consent.

- divorce and move on with your own life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The 5th option, and the one that Oprah and all the church ladies will urge you to do is to address the roots of your dissatisfaction and frustration and try to get him to change himself. 

This is what people mean when they say to "talk about it." or "work on the marriage."

So in other words it may mean going to MC and laying it all out on the table and saying all of the things about him that kill your desire for him like his gut, receding hairline, yellowing teeth, wrinkles, bad breath, smelly feet and nose and ear hair. 

The hope then is that he hits the gym, gets botox, hair transplants, whitens his teeth and starts trimming his nose and ear hair and transforms into the stud horse that you desire. 

That all sounds like a great plan but here's the catch - He pursued and married you and impregnated you so that he could control and manipulate you. Not so that he could jump through hoops and perform like a dancing monkey to please you.

And we also need to keep in mind that even if he does decide to step up to the plate and fix himself up, the battle against time is always going to be a losing battle. 

You are coming into your sexual prime and your peek of sexual interest and sexual confidence. He is on his downhill slide and never will be the man he was when he was in his 30s no matter what he does and no matter how much Viagra he takes. 

If he goes on a health kick and starts preening himself up and becoming more attentive to your needs, that may buy you some time and get your kids a little older before you do take up with some guy your age that still has the 6-pack abz and full head of hair. 

If he puts in hard effort and sincere attempt to keep you engaged, it might get you to 35-40 before you leave to be with someone your own age or even younger. 

At least by then the kids will be a little older and won't need as much hands-on care and will be better able to deal with being shuffled around from house to house per custodial arrangement. 

I may be sounding dark and all full of doom and gloom, but this was an arrangement that was set up to fail from the beginning. 

You both have been able to capitalize on the benefits of the age spread. You got the mature, adult man with resources and stability while raising your offspring - And he got the young, hot bod to cuddle up to at night. 

Now the bill is coming due and it's time to pay the piper. You still have a whole adult life ahead of you and you are coming into your sexual prime. 

He is an older man that is starting his downhill slide into a future of hemorrhoids, arthritis, ballooning gut, erectile dysfunction and wanting to sit in front of the TV *****ing about the liberals vs the conservatives. 

There is no cure or fix here. There is only which option is going to be the least sucky for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> - seek some form of open marriage/swinging/polyamory with his consent where you can get your physical and sexual needs met outside the marriage but remain in the home and marriage.
> 
> .


On a related side-note, I did see quite a few couples like this in the swinging community when I was a swinger. 

There were actually quite a few couples where the H was old and gray and wrinkled and fat and the W was much younger and fit and hot. 

The dynamic which was often taking place was the couple's sex life was fizzling due to the age difference and him letting himself go and getting fat and so they started looking into sparking things up by mixing it up with other people. 

The problem with the "She's Hot/He's Not" couples (yes, that is an actual term in the swinging community) is that no other woman would want to touch the old, fat guy either and so there really wasn't any "swapping" per se. 

What usually happened is these couples would get together and the guys would basically stand in the shadows and watch the chicks roll around with each other. 

And eventually some got into the "Hot Wife" scenario where the wife would get to play with some younger, hotter, more virile guy while the ol' man would watch. 

In many of those cases it was just a matter of time before the wife was taking up with one of her suitors (or even the other women) and either just left the marriage completely and divorced; or they continued to see the OM/OW on the downlow and eventually became garden variety cheaters and the marital sex life at home died completely.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wanted to say that it's hard for me to have a lot of compassion for a nearly 40 yr. old dude that was chasing a teenager and was stupid enough to think he could have a family with one and keep it.

What is happening here is what was SURE to happen when this guy started aging. It was a good run. 

OP, just tell your husband how you feel and move on. He can still find himself a woman his age and be relatively happy. 
This marriage was doomed before it started. Your husband knew this was a likelihood--- that you'd lose your attraction to him as he aged.

ANd yes, a woman in her mid 30's to mid 40's is usually pretty crazy about sex.... So I agree you're in your prime.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

vivid_idea said:


> What lead up to my situation? Well having children was something that changed everything of course. The first pregnancy was accidental. But since having the children we have been working as an excellent domestic team. Children have kept us busy and doing what we have to. We are affectionate like any other couple. We kiss and embrace. I an at the point where I don't know how to open lines of communication with him anymore. *It was never easy because he would always push his point of view and he could never validate or give any weight to what i thought or felt. Now I just can't be bothered and I prefer to keep the peace, which is easy enough to do after 15 years.* I hope this info helps 🙂


OP, your lack of sexual attraction to your H stems from the bolded part above. Your H has not taken you seriously throughout your years together. He always thought of you as a young immature woman that he can manipulate and control. Even if it doesn't seem obvious to you, the reason you form together "an excellent domestic team" is because you learned with time to let him have his word and his way and stopped pushing your point, because he has never given you validation. With some introspection you can easily see my point. I mean, I just read it throughout your post. You insist that it is only sexual, but I don't see it this way reading through your posts. the lack of sexual attraction is symptomatic of your overall attraction to this guy. Now that you are a mature woman who has had enough of him dismissing your perspective, and seeing him as an aging man who lost the luster of youth he could seduce with when he was younger, you are not satisfied with him. You see his treatment of you very clearly, you don't like it, and this is causing you to step back and think. 

The old 18 year old naive inexperienced teen is gone forever; she is replaced by a mature woman asking for a fulfilling relationship with a man who appreciates her for more than her physique, energy, etc. You have become a mature woman who is looking for a partner your age, who has the same age and generational concerns, but at the same time who appreciates you and is capable of validating you. Your H is not this man.

You either decide to own up to a decision you made when you were 18, or you divorce and move on. If you opt for the first one, i.e., if you stay unhappily married, the children will see through you easily and will think that this is what marriage is. It is a financially stable home, but it is not a good model for them, especially that their father does not show much validation to their mom. If you decide to divorce, you need to make sure first and foremost that you are financially independent and capable of supporting your children and providing them with emotional and financial stability. So, in both cases the children should be the first thing you need to think about before looking into your emotional and sexual needs. In both cases you are taking a risk, so think carefully about the children before you make any decision. As others have already suggested, opening the marriage is not a viable solution. Cheating is always off the table; never an option. 

Good luck!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just wanted to say that it's hard for me to have a lot of compassion for a nearly 40 yr. old dude that was chasing a teenager and was stupid enough to think he could have a family with one and keep it.
> 
> What is happening here is what was SURE to happen when this guy started aging. It was a good run.
> 
> ...


I agree. 

This was all inevitable and there really isn't anything that can be a permanent fix. 

The reason this is inevitable is that you two began at completely different life stages and are going to go through different life stages as you age rather than going through the stages together like couples of similar age. 

You were barely a legal adult that had a ton of growth and development to do whilst he was a full grown man who was almost in middle age when you got together. 

Now you are maturing and developing into a mature, adult woman and he is beginning his downhill slide into old age (and I am 54 so it is ok for me to say that) 

There is no fix here. Only adaptation and seeking the least destructive option.


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Wow I am overwhelmed with your thoughts and advice oldshirt, evinrude58 and coquille. 

Oldshirt, ha, you are quite blunt. Surely there are exceptions to every rule? What about if he has a youthful mind?

But if everything that has been said is true, how do I approach an honest conversation with him? Keeping in mind that I love him and I don't want to hurt him. Also, he is incredibly defensive and will take anything I say as a personal attack and it will turn into an argument. Then the silent treatment will begin and I despise that...


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

vivid_idea said:


> Wow I am overwhelmed with your thoughts and advice oldshirt, evinrude58 and coquille.
> 
> Oldshirt, ha, you are quite blunt. Surely there are exceptions to every rule? What about if he has a youthful mind?
> 
> But if everything that has been said is true, how do I approach an honest conversation with him? Keeping in mind that I love him and I don't want to hurt him. Also, he is incredibly defensive and will take anything I say as a personal attack and it will turn into an argument. Then the silent treatment will begin and I despise that...


Maybe let him know beforehand that you need to have a serious talk with him, so he is mentally prepared a bit. Well, considering the age gap and the fact that you have not been feeling sexually attracted to him lately, your H must have been anticipating this talk (at least on an unconscious level). I would also be careful not to use the pronoun "you" at any moment during the talk. Start every sentence with "I", explaining how you grew through the years from a teenager to a mature woman, and this inevitable change entailed a change in your outlook and expectations. This way you are not accusing him of any wrongdoing so he won't be justified to be defensive. (to be honest, I feel that he bears a lot of responsibility, but considering what you said about him, I don't think it would be helpful to bring up his responsibility yet).

I would also recommend that you insist that you still love him and want to maintain a friendly relationship with him. 

I'd say be honest and explain that you did your best to be a good wife and partner, but you have been unhappy as you lost any romantic feeling for him and you are not sexually attracted to him anymore, even though you appreciate him as a person and a friend. You are unfulfilled in this relationship, and this is making you frustrated and unhappy. Make sure to talk about yourself in an honest way. 

There is no easy way to bring up this subject, but by focusing on your own feelings you might be able to prevent a strong reaction from your H. 

Hopefully others have more/better suggestions.

Good luck!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> Wow I am overwhelmed with your thoughts and advice oldshirt, evinrude58 and coquille.
> 
> Oldshirt, ha, you are quite blunt. Surely there are exceptions to every rule? What about if he has a youthful mind?
> 
> But if everything that has been said is true, how do I approach an honest conversation with him? Keeping in mind that I love him and I don't want to hurt him. Also, he is incredibly defensive and will take anything I say as a personal attack and it will turn into an argument. Then the silent treatment will begin and I despise that...


OP, you had asked for my advice earlier as I had a similar experience. While the end result was the same for me in that I did fall out of love, I'm not sure that the cause was the same in both of our experiences.

My falling out of love was directly related to my ex's nice guy persona. Nice guy as defined by the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. I grew to become uncomfortable with his desire for sex/affection because underneath was a desperation for the love he wanted so badly from his mom who died when he was about 9. Even before I lost desire, he never seemed to be satisfied with our sex life. 

I didn't quite figure out why I had lost interest until I came to TAM and came across NMMNG suggestions. Prior to that I had made suggestions to him that I thought would work - gym, get a hobby, spend more money/time on himself, stop being so nice. To the latter, he got extremely upset as his interpretation was that I was asking him to be a jerk. I read the NMMNG book and it explained his behavior to a T. It clarified everything I had suspected but couldn't quite make sense of. 

I came across a podcast someone shared on this site, and as soon as it started I could tell right away that the couple's dynamic mirrored mine/my ex's. Older, nice guy with a younger wife. I could sense his deep-seated rage (just like my ex) that had less to do with his younger wife cheating and more to do with his childhood experiences. His desperation for love/affection was palpable in the audio: https://www.estherperel.com/podcast - S1 Ep. 8: Sexlessness

Have you figured out the underlying cause of your loss of attraction?


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

Hi Keke24, thanks. I will look at the podcast when I have a bit more time. I am not familiar with the nice guy concept. As far as why the sexual attraction may be gone, I am wondering if I may be viewing him as more of a beta rather than an alpha (another thread about this caught my eye). Do you think you can change from viewing a man as an alpha to viewing him as a beta?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

vivid_idea said:


> Conanhub, I don't know why... I feel so comfortable with him I don't even see him as a sexual person anymore. But I look at other men and it feels different.


Hypergamy? Anyone? Bueller……..Bueller…….??

OP, from your own description, you have everything women SAY they want, yet for some unknown reason you're on the verge of chucking it all. 

There is no mystery here, just follow your nature and #YOLO like it's going out of style.

All this advice you're looking for is just a smokescreen for what you already plan to do….so just do it without the pretense. 

BTW, who's the other guy you got an eye on? People rarely monkey branch without another branch to land on.

Or, maybe, I'm misreading this whole thing!


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## vivid_idea (Jun 5, 2018)

What do most women say they want?

No other guy.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

vivid_idea said:


> Hi Keke24, thanks. I will look at the podcast when I have a bit more time. I am not familiar with the nice guy concept. As far as why the sexual attraction may be gone, I am wondering if I may be viewing him as more of a beta rather than an alpha (another thread about this caught my eye). Do you think you can change from viewing a man as an alpha to viewing him as a beta?


If you have a general idea that it may be something to do with beta vs alpha, I'd suggesting reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and see if it describes your husband. There are free copies available online.

I'm not a big fan of the beta/alpha labels, the Nice Guy label however did fit my partner to a T. He was a total alpha in public and a beta in some aspects of our relationship so these labels would not have been an accurate description.

Could I have viewed him differently? Yes, if he had made the changes described in the NMMNG book and stuck with it. It would have taken up to year for me to believe the changes, for him to stop placing me on a pedestal and for me to learn to interact with his newfound self. The biggest change would have started with him getting individual counseling to deal with the loss of his parent during childhood and his codependency. 

So yes it would have taken time and serious effort, primarily on his part, but I do think it is indeed possible for things to change.


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