# Friendship or not?



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

I got divorced six months ago. Things had been snowballing for a few years and everything hit the fan when my ex husband had an emotional affair and he made it clear that it was my fault and it meant nothing. I wanted to get counseling and work together, but he was done. We decided to file the paperwork on our own, but I decided to hire a lawyer because our initial agreement was that he would get 90% and I would get 10%. We lost our daughter five years ago and I worked part time after she passed, so he believed he was entitled to that. The negotiations were very difficult and my lawyer advocated for me and we finally settled...I got about 35% and he got 65%. He kept the house and I moved into a tiny apartment. He put my belongings on the front porch and made my transition very difficult. I had to go back to teaching full-time after being away for ten years. It's been extremely difficult, but I have no choice at this point. 

Fast forward to a couple months ago...my ex husband and I were trying to stay on decent terms. I reached out to him to ask him a financial question and I discovered that he was in a mental institution for a 72 hour watch for suicide. Of course, I was concerned and kept checking to make sure he was okay. I try to be like Christ...kind, forgiving, loving. I'm a very empathetic/feeling person. Since then, we've been working on a friendship...I do enjoy his company. When we got divorced, he said he still wanted to be friends...he could envision us going on vacation together. However, I told him that if he starts dating, it is only fair if he lets me know. It would make a friendship very difficult. I have a dog with special needs and I asked him if he could let her out from time to time because I'm usually at work for 12 hours or so. I gave him a key to my apartment to make it easier. Last week, I invited him over for dinner and he helped me unclog my toilet. I felt happy that we were getting along and I wasn't going to lose him forever. However, I felt that I was the one reaching out and not him.

Yesterday, I was walking my dog and I ran into him and his new girlfriend whom he met online. I was crushed and lost my mind almost! Yes, we are divorced and free to date, but I feel misled about his words and his failure to tell me he was dating. I told him he was a lying snake (among other things) and all the anger and hurt came out...very unlike me. I am COMPLETELY crushed. I demanded my key back. We talked on the phone later and he said, "We can discuss all this later when we have settled down." I told him I need lots of time and space...I'm just broken. It's so hard to let go but I feel I need to. I've tried so hard to be kind and caring, but I feel kicked in the face and depleted. Any advice, thoughts, perspective? My family and friends think I'm crazy for trying to make amends, but my heart tells me to follow Christ and forgive. I'm conflicted, but all around broken. Thanks so much.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You should not assume that you can friends of any sort with your ex husband. He did not feel that you were entitled to a fair settlement for starters.

Try to get therapy so that you can work through why you feel the need to remain friends with someone who so clearly does not care about you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You stated your expectation he'd tell you if he started dating, did he agree to it? If so, he didn't keep his word and that tells you something about how he'll be to you. If not, then I think this is your problem, you're trying to control him as though you're still married. Your aren't, and you have to get over that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

This includes keeping a "friend" in your life who has shown himself to be wholly unworthy of your friendship.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@farsidejunky and others are offering excellent advice. Acting as a Christian does NOT mean letting anyone else treat you in such a demeaning fashion. He moved on with his life while still married to you. He is not and likely will never be your 'friend'. Read about co-dependency and see if you recognize the symptoms.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You are still going through the transition that happens when people get divorced. The emotions and connection to a former spouse don't just disappear the moment the judge signs the paperwork. You'll continue this transition for as long as it takes. But if you want to speed it up you'll need to completely cut him out of your life. That means 100% removal of things that remind you of him and all social media contact.


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## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

Thank you all for your advice. To back up, my ex husband agreed that if we became friends, he would let me know if he had a girlfriend. He was aware that this would complicate things. He did not share this with me. Nevertheless, I've decided to completely cut ties with him. Phone number deleted, all reminders removed from my home, having an accountability partner to keep me from reaching out to him. Upon reflection, I know why I keep going back to him. Loss is so painful and I already went through that when I lost my daughter five years ago. I continue to feel that pain and I don't want to feel it again through divorce. Also, my ex husband completely kicked me to the curb and rejected me. I think my attempt to make amends and be friends with him reverses this rejection and makes me feel better about who I am. HOWEVER, I know that neither of these reasons are healthy. I need to face my divorce and learn to love myself for who I am. This will be difficult but I need to do it for my own well-being and health. Yesterday, I surrounded myself with positive people (friends and family) and starting listing the qualities of people I choose to have in my life (loving, caring, honest, truthful, vulnerable, kind to everyone, spiritual, fun, funny, committed, compassionate). In truth, my ex husband doesn't have these qualities. He is neither a safe person nor someone who helps me grow as an individual. So, thank you for opening my eyes and helping me answer some tough question. The work will be hard but it's necessary work I must do.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you for finally accepting that this jerk is NOT your friend. That he didn't even want you to have your fair share of what you were entitled to? NOPE. Screw him. That isn't how a friend treats another friend. 

Onward and upward.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You’re confused about what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is _just_ forgiveness.

It doesn’t have to be friendship, or dating, or anything other than _just_ friendship.

And it shouldn’t be, at least not with someone as flaky as your ex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ktheuerkauf said:


> Thank you all for your advice. To back up, my ex husband agreed that if we became friends, he would let me know if he had a girlfriend. He was aware that this would complicate things. He did not share this with me. Nevertheless, I've decided to completely cut ties with him. Phone number deleted, all reminders removed from my home, having an accountability partner to keep me from reaching out to him. Upon reflection, I know why I keep going back to him. Loss is so painful and I already went through that when I lost my daughter five years ago. I continue to feel that pain and I don't want to feel it again through divorce. Also, my ex husband completely kicked me to the curb and rejected me. I think my attempt to make amends and be friends with him reverses this rejection and makes me feel better about who I am. HOWEVER, I know that neither of these reasons are healthy. I need to face my divorce and learn to love myself for who I am. This will be difficult but I need to do it for my own well-being and health. Yesterday, I surrounded myself with positive people (friends and family) and starting listing the qualities of people I choose to have in my life (loving, caring, honest, truthful, vulnerable, kind to everyone, spiritual, fun, funny, committed, compassionate). In truth, my ex husband doesn't have these qualities. He is neither a safe person nor someone who helps me grow as an individual. So, thank you for opening my eyes and helping me answer some tough question. The work will be hard but it's necessary work I must do.


Good.

Now change your number(s), otherwise he can just change his and reach out.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Good.
> 
> Now change your number(s), otherwise he can just change his and reach out.


If I may also add, change your locks on the apartment too.

Just because he gave your key back doesn't mean he didn't make a copy of it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I got divorced six months ago. Things had been snowballing for a few years and everything hit the fan when my ex husband had an emotional affair and he made it clear that it was my fault and it meant nothing. I wanted to get counseling and work together, but he was done. We decided to file the paperwork on our own, but I decided to hire a lawyer because our initial agreement was that he would get 90% and I would get 10%. We lost our daughter five years ago and I worked part time after she passed, so he believed he was entitled to that. The negotiations were very difficult and my lawyer advocated for me and we finally settled...I got about 35% and he got 65%. He kept the house and I moved into a tiny apartment. He put my belongings on the front porch and made my transition very difficult. I had to go back to teaching full-time after being away for ten years. It's been extremely difficult, but I have no choice at this point.
> 
> Fast forward to a couple months ago...my ex husband and I were trying to stay on decent terms. I reached out to him to ask him a financial question and I discovered that he was in a mental institution for a 72 hour watch for suicide. Of course, I was concerned and kept checking to make sure he was okay. I try to be like Christ...kind, forgiving, loving. I'm a very empathetic/feeling person. Since then, we've been working on a friendship...I do enjoy his company. When we got divorced, he said he still wanted to be friends...he could envision us going on vacation together. However, I told him that if he starts dating, it is only fair if he lets me know. It would make a friendship very difficult. I have a dog with special needs and I asked him if he could let her out from time to time because I'm usually at work for 12 hours or so. I gave him a key to my apartment to make it easier. Last week, I invited him over for dinner and he helped me unclog my toilet. I felt happy that we were getting along and I wasn't going to lose him forever. However, I felt that I was the one reaching out and not him.
> 
> Yesterday, I was walking my dog and I ran into him and his new girlfriend whom he met online. I was crushed and lost my mind almost! Yes, we are divorced and free to date, but I feel misled about his words and his failure to tell me he was dating. I told him he was a lying snake (among other things) and all the anger and hurt came out...very unlike me. I am COMPLETELY crushed. I demanded my key back. We talked on the phone later and he said, "We can discuss all this later when we have settled down." I told him I need lots of time and space...I'm just broken. It's so hard to let go but I feel I need to. I've tried so hard to be kind and caring, but I feel kicked in the face and depleted. Any advice, thoughts, perspective? My family and friends think I'm crazy for trying to make amends, but my heart tells me to follow Christ and forgive. I'm conflicted, but all around broken. Thanks so much.


Yes, you are crazy to care. Sorry. He cheated and wanted a divorce. Screwed you over in the divorce, and lied to you about being friends and dating. 

I don't think he is a very nice person. I really would not advise trying to be friends with him. 

I think there are about a million other people to be friends with besides him. 

And when and if you start dating, it is not good to be around exes. 

Also, just from what you wrote, you understand that everything he told you about the affair and the reasons for the divorce were a lie designed to hurt you, right?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I got divorced six months ago. Things had been snowballing for a few years and everything hit the fan when my ex husband had an emotional affair and he made it clear that it was my fault and it meant nothing. I wanted to get counseling and work together, but he was done. We decided to file the paperwork on our own, but I decided to hire a lawyer because our initial agreement was that he would get 90% and I would get 10%. We lost our daughter five years ago and I worked part time after she passed, so he believed he was entitled to that. The negotiations were very difficult and my lawyer advocated for me and we finally settled...I got about 35% and he got 65%. He kept the house and I moved into a tiny apartment. He put my belongings on the front porch and made my transition very difficult. I had to go back to teaching full-time after being away for ten years. It's been extremely difficult, but I have no choice at this point.
> 
> Fast forward to a couple months ago...my ex husband and I were trying to stay on decent terms. I reached out to him to ask him a financial question and I discovered that he was in a mental institution for a 72 hour watch for suicide. Of course, I was concerned and kept checking to make sure he was okay. I try to be like Christ...kind, forgiving, loving. I'm a very empathetic/feeling person. Since then, we've been working on a friendship...I do enjoy his company. When we got divorced, he said he still wanted to be friends...he could envision us going on vacation together. However, I told him that if he starts dating, it is only fair if he lets me know. It would make a friendship very difficult. I have a dog with special needs and I asked him if he could let her out from time to time because I'm usually at work for 12 hours or so. I gave him a key to my apartment to make it easier. Last week, I invited him over for dinner and he helped me unclog my toilet. I felt happy that we were getting along and I wasn't going to lose him forever. However, I felt that I was the one reaching out and not him.
> 
> Yesterday, I was walking my dog and I ran into him and his new girlfriend whom he met online. I was crushed and lost my mind almost! Yes, we are divorced and free to date, but I feel misled about his words and his failure to tell me he was dating. I told him he was a lying snake (among other things) and all the anger and hurt came out...very unlike me. I am COMPLETELY crushed. I demanded my key back. We talked on the phone later and he said, "We can discuss all this later when we have settled down." I told him I need lots of time and space...I'm just broken. It's so hard to let go but I feel I need to. I've tried so hard to be kind and caring, but I feel kicked in the face and depleted. Any advice, thoughts, perspective? My family and friends think I'm crazy for trying to make amends, but my heart tells me to follow Christ and forgive. I'm conflicted, but all around broken. Thanks so much.


I think your first priority is to get your feelings straight about your husband. Do you really want him back? Doesn't seem like it, and why would you? OK so what are you really upset about? That is what you need to deal with. If you get to the point where you know you made the right choice and you know you would never want him back you won't care about this other women and you also have a easy shallow friendship or not. It just won't matter.

My divorced parents sit in the same room and talk no outburst, and my Dad cheated on my Mom. Thing is my Mom knows who my Dad is and wouldn't' want him in a million years now. 

Granted it takes time but get there and you won't need to post about this.

One more thing, this dude is NOT your path to happiness!


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