# Finally Ready



## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

I have been thinking about divorce for a while. Little background: I have repeatedly tried to get my husband to understand my needs for years. We have been married for 24 years together for 27, me 44 him 47. He stopped showing any kind of affection about 10 years ago, including sex. He will not go to Dr. To see if anything is wrong and will not go to counseling. We get along well no fighting for the most part. He is just not interested in me. Basically living as roommates. He is a good father.

I made myself stay till my child graduated school, I wanted him to have both parents around. So I am finally ready and literally the same week I am going to tell my husband my son announced he has asked his girlfriend to get married. So how can I say anything now? He would be devastated (my son).

Can I be that selfish now after waiting so long or is it OK to leave?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your son is a man now. Stop using his wedding as an excuse. 

I am sexless to for that long. Leave him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Your son is a man now. Stop using his wedding as an excuse.
> 
> I am sexless to for that long. Leave him.


All your old threads are deleted so I never knew anything about you other than the very helpful advice that you gave me.Man,to go that long without any intimacy must be hell,why do you do it,you are only fifty.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't believe in bidding your time to leave. Have a frank conversation with your H. Let him know your time line and see if you guys could start working on your separation. Your son is old enough to understand what has been happening in your marriage. He is old enough to accept that his parents will be divorce. It will hurt him if you do it now or 10 years later. All kids gets disappointed and hurt when their lives changes.


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

Maybe sons wedding was just easy way to put it off. Being single after so long is kinda scary. It's not the financial part that scares me I can support myself it's actually being alone and having to think about getting out there again. I have been faithful throughout my marriage. It's hard not to wonder if it is just me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am happy that others see the futility of celibacy. 

Sometimes it cannot be avoided. 

You are @Not sure anymore. However, we three TAM RAMMERS are sure. More will pop in and concur. 

File for Divorce...Now.

A warm heart, a set of arms, a set of warm lips and a hard, loving man awaits you.

Git er Done!


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

I was married for 20 plus years and I have no children. My divorce will be final in July. I was in a sexless marriage for the past 6 years and he barely touched me before then unless it was for sex and those awful peck kisses.....UGH! So, about 10 years too. 

Do this now. If you want to try one last time, give him a timeline and what you expect. Then, enforce it. This has nothing to do with your son. It may be a couple of years before they even set a date. 

You got this!


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

I know those peck kisses. I get three a day, 1 in morning, in evening when he gets home and one before bed. Hate them and the half hug where he barely puts his arms around me. Basically taps me on the shoulders. I have talked till I'm blue in the face. H sees nothing wrong with the way things are.


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

Was it hard to be on your own after so long?


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

It was scary to begin with. But I have a good support system and the members of TAM can help you too. Now I'm excited because this is the first time in my life that I am truly on my own and taking care of myself. It's a good feeling.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Not sure anymore said:


> Maybe sons wedding was just easy way to put it off. Being single after so long is kinda scary. It's not the financial part that scares me I can support myself it's actually being alone and having to think about getting out there again. I have been faithful throughout my marriage. It's hard not to wonder if it is just me.


Being single after being miserable for so long will be a thing of joy for you! I was married for twenty and unhappy for many, like you I stayed out of perceived obligation, it wasn't that I wanted to stay, I just didn't want to hurt or upset others. Trust me on this, your son knows you are unhappy, he can see the lack of affection in your marriage, he should understand. And if he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it. 

What you should be scared about is spending the next thirty years of your life as unhappy as you have been for the last ten. That's a sad and scary thought.


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

Cooper said:


> Being single after being miserable for so long will be a thing of joy for you! I was married for twenty and unhappy for many, like you I stayed out of perceived obligation, it wasn't that I wanted to stay, I just didn't want to hurt or upset others. Trust me on this, your son knows you are unhappy, he can see the lack of affection in your marriage, he should understand. And if he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it.
> 
> What you should be scared about is spending the next thirty years of your life as unhappy as you have been for the last ten. That's a sad and scary thought.


I understand the feeling of obligation. I have felt guilty for so long for feeling the way I do. I have thought about how it would be in the future and I think I would resent him more every day.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He stopped showing any affection 10 years ago, was there any particular life event then?
Does he have a mistress? It is possible you know? Men do not suddenly turn off that aspect of their being if everything was fine before that?

Do some digging, without him knowing.


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

aine said:


> He stopped showing any affection 10 years ago, was there any particular life event then?
> Does he have a mistress? It is possible you know? Men do not suddenly turn off that aspect of their being if everything was fine before that?
> 
> Do some digging, without him knowing.


That was just when I noticed. Not sure really if it was longer. With child's activities, work, household and just life I guess I didn't pay attention. He doesn't really do any of the extra things if it doesn't involve him personally. So it seemed like I was always busy.

I did look into everything I could to see if there was someone else and never have found anything. Sometimes I wish I would have.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> I don't believe in bidding your time to leave. Have a frank conversation with your H. Let him know your time line and see if you guys could start working on your separation. Your son is old enough to understand what has been happening in your marriage. He is old enough to accept that his parents will be divorce. It will hurt him if you do it now or 10 years later. All kids gets disappointed and hurt when their lives changes.


Your son will understand because he has seen it coming for ten years. People always try to shelter their kids from the truth, but kids are not stupid...they see EVERYTHING. They can feel it. Plus is he now grown enough to be getting married himself, so to be blunt, he doesnt get input at this point. This is about YOU. 

Dont be afraid of being on your own, its extremely empowering! And dont go trying to date right off the bat, you do yourself no favors doing that. Get your life and your mind together first.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I know someone who the divorce papers served a week after her husband paid for her son's last semester of college. She is happily married to someone else for 23 years now. She got divorced when she was 40. It is never too late to have a good life.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Not sure anymore said:


> I did look into everything I could to see if there was someone else and never have found anything. Sometimes I wish I would have.


I totally know the feeling of "wishing" you had found something the other had done wrong. I feel like way a lot, too, about my relationship, but that's just because I hate being "the bad guy"... if he would do something wrong that I would have a great excuse to leave, guilt free, and everyone would be on my side.

But; that's not the truth and not what we NEED. That's victimizing ourselves, which is not empowering, and is not teaching us anything. While on this journey; whether you stay or leave, you need to start looking at yourself too. There's a reason that you are not happy, and it may not be entirely HIS fault. We all bring things to the table; and if you want any chance of making this, or a future relationship work, you have to be willing to go inside and check yourself. It's easy to blame, but no one is perfect, and i know for a fact, there are things you're doing that are not helping the situation.

I've been reading a book called "Warrior Goddess Training" by Heatherash Amara; and it touches on being your own source of love and empowerment. Forgiveness will set you free, and it's not about what others do, it's about how you react to what others do. When we have unripened emotions or traumas, they will continue to resurface until we choose to acknowledge and deal with them.

It's an empowering book, and I suggest all women read it. It allows us to come out of that victim role, and be strong in our decisions and needs and to stop feeling so guilty about setting boundaries and wanting our needs met.

It may be a great book for you to read!


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## Not sure anymore (Oct 10, 2015)

flyhigher said:


> I totally know the feeling of "wishing" you had found something the other had done wrong. I feel like way a lot, too, about my relationship, but that's just because I hate being "the bad guy"... if he would do something wrong that I would have a great excuse to leave, guilt free, and everyone would be on my side.


You're right I have thought about how much easier it would be, but not because I care about what others think. I know my husband and how he will react as soon as I start this conversation. He will turn it around to make me the bad guy. A few years ago I tried to have this conversation not with the intention of leaving then but saying that I was coming close. All I got was how selfish I was and how could I tear our family apart.



flyhigher said:


> I It's easy to blame, but no one is perfect, and i know for a fact, there are things you're doing that are not helping the situation.


You're also right that I am not blameless in this. I am not perfect and I should have paid more attention to my marriage. When I started noticing things weren't going well and tried to talk to him I got "You just aren't as attractive as you used to be", "You are not the same person I married" and one of my favorites "You can't rely on me for you happiness." So I'm sure there are things I'm doing that are not helping the situation.


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