# Affairs and death?



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

My wife started cheating on me when her mother took a turn for the worse...is there a link between the two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

See Wedding Crashers ...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Nope.

Someone needs a better excuse.

In such circumstances, a person's mind would consumed with their relatives' well-being and wouldn't have the emotional energy for an extra marital lover.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Nope.
> 
> Someone needs a better excuse.


Maybe not an excuse, maybe JAD is groping round for answers?

It's tough, mate. But hang on! Things will get better, one way or another.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

If you think about it for more than half a second, you'll realize that using death as an excuse makes no damned sense. 

"Oh, I was so distraught by the death of my mom I decided to confide in another man and have a passionate affair. We slept in your car, your bedroom, and over my mother's grave. I was just SO, upset. I don't know what came over me. I'm sure you understand, right?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Lost several close relatives. The last thing on my mind after that was to cheat. In fact at those times in only wanted my family around me as much as possible.

So i don't see how the death of a relative can have much influence. But maybe if the marriage is already in deep trouble it can be a factor.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

While I will agree with all of you who say its no excuse, the death of a loved one can push someone who, lets just say it already crossed their mind, a little push to the dark side, ie: this bad thing happened, my spouse is an _________, and OW/OM is so understanding, kind, I deserve to feel good.....yada yada....it can contribute when looking at the big picture. Not an excuse tho.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

It is not an excuse, however I'm just curious if it's related and if others have seen the pattern.
Also I have thought with all the stress that her mother's illness and eventually death is bringing, and will bring. Why have an affair and divorce on top of all that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ya she choose the eays way out, instead of dealling with these issues with you she cshoose to find some one else.

Is dad still around, what about grand parents and aunts and uncles...even siblings for that matter?

This may give you an idea of how many times she chooses to cheat on you.

My point...there is always a better way to handle a bad situation other then choosing adultory.....like counseling or opening up to your spouse.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Grief makes people do weird things, but it doesn't excuse infidelity. Whether one is panicking about one's own mortality or that of someone dear, there are many other ways that are more honest that can remind a person how it feels to be alive. If it's truly the reason and not just a slimy attempt at justification, you've discovered what you're spouse is like when the going gets rough -- cowardly and willing to trample those who "matter" just for a little bit of escapist fun; is that what you want to be tied to for the rest of your life? The going is going to be rough again, will that excuse another affair in the future? If your spouse cannot face the consequences, then there's no hope of behaving better the next time the opportunity arises when it is so easy and consequence free to behave cheap and sleazy. It's also pretty slimy to blame someone's death or near death for such vile deceit. Your spouse needs to grow up a bit and you can't initiate that growth, just explain what you will not tolerate and let the chips fall where they may.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Good question. Based on my experience...yes. 

Most people are deeply effected by profound experiences in life like the loss of a parent or both parents, loss of a child or even a job. When you add this to other factors such as age, FOO issues, job or personal dissatisfaction, lack of goals, passions, and fulfilling hobbies, it seems to be come time of major re-evaluation of ones life. This can lead to a Mid-life crisis for some people. The severity and depth of the MLC is as individual as us being human beings.

My STBXWW lost her mother (cancer) and then 4 months later lost her father suddenly (heart attack). They had been divorced for many years due to his drinking, cheating and general lack of interest in his family. He would rather be out partying. My STBXWW and her sister begged their mother to divorce him.

My STBXWW was depressed for a while...understandable. When she finally came out of it she was not quite the same person although I didn't realize it at the time. Within a year she had immersed herself in an EA/PA. 

In a rare moment of honesty, my STBXWW told me that she started to think about mortality and that she felt like an orphan. She started feeling lonely and wondering "is this all there is to life" She was also approaching 40, our children were getting to an age where they were becoming more self sufficient. She had no real hobbies or directions in life. She never bothered to share these feelings with me and of course, after I found out about her cheating, she wanted to blame me for her actions...typical blame shifting. 

She was very close to her mother but interestingly enough, she seemed to take her fathers death even worse. She was in the process of trying to re-establish a relationship with him when he passed. I doubt that my STBXWW would have cheated if her mother was still alive. They were really close. She kept my wife grounded in what was really important in life. When they passed it was like she had no adult supervision anymore. She began to rebel like a teenager.

It is ironic but the person she became after their deaths was much more like her father. The drinking, partying, the need to go out all the time and of course the cheating. STBXWW's sister has experienced the same losses but yet has not changed...not effected...no cheating, drinking, lying...nothing and her marriage/situation was always much worse then ours. I always thought we had a good marriage and so did everyone else. 

I also personally know some other husbands who who have lost their wives and marriages after their wives lost a parent. Cheating was 100% with them as well. I don't think it is a coincidence. 

I think some people are just predisposed to cheating when the wrong circumstances present themselves. Maybe it's genetic...maybe it's learned...IDK. I wish there were a test to confirm if someone you are marrying is capable of it.


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