# How would you feel if your husband acting like this



## ANF824 (Nov 6, 2007)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together 5. I am a SAHM to our 2 kids. The problems started before we ever had kids but he kept saying he would change. He works night shift and sleeps most of the day. So i take care of our 17 month old son and 2 month old daughter all night and all day really. When he gets up he watces tv or plays a game online with his buddies. That wouldn't be a problem if it wasnt all day. He complains when he doesn't get at least 8 hours of sleep a day. Like yesterday we had to take both kids to the doctor and he only got 6-7 hours and he said "couldn't you have made it later'. He will not help around the house at all. I do dishes, clothes, clean, take out trash, give the kids baths. I do have to give him creadit, he does give our son a bath once a week. He complains that i wont cook but when i do if the kids cry, he will not get them. I have to stop cooking and take care of them while he sets on the couch. Our daughter has colic and acid reflux and cries 4-5 hours straight without stopping and it has been as much as 8 hours. He will not try to help calm her so i can get a break. He says just let her cry. Our other problem is being intimate. We where watching a show about married couples having sex and how often and he said " i couldn't have sex everyday because it would just seem like another f*ck. I was like WHAT? I can count on one hand how many times we have kissed in the past month, besides from a quick peck. He says if you do it all the time it not special. I have just come out and asked him if he is happy and wants to be with me and he always says yes but he doesn't act like it. He always says it just my hormones or that time of month. But how would you feel if you husband acted like this?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First you and your husband sound sexually different in needs. He might be running a real low libido from impotance or depression. The depression would also make him need more sleep. But from what you described neither sounds to be in play here. I have known many people that need 6-8-even 10 hours a sleep per day to function.

I will post more on this tonight as I see much more involved in this.

What type of work does your husband do?

Does he fix the cars/house/ do the lawn, trash etc?

draconis


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## ANF824 (Nov 6, 2007)

He works at a mill making brakes for cars. He doesn't do anything around the house. Someone does our lawn, his brother works on cars so he usually does it and if he don't then we take it somewhere, i take out the trash. Like right now, he is asleep and has been for 9 hours. Which wouldn't be a problem if he got up and helped but he doesn't. He will get up, eat, and like i said before watch tv or play his game. Even if he doesnt want to have sex, why can't he come to me and give me a hug or kiss? I have to go to him always. Also, what makes me mad about him sleeping is that he says things like "well i work i need to sleep". He has also told me i stay at home all day so its my fault i don't sleep. Well i take care of 2 kids all day and get up 3-4 times a night. I can't just go to sleep whenever and sleep 8-9 hours a day.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

This is going to sound terrible but I had to resort to this when we had our first son and he got the picture. Quit making dinner, quit doing his laundry and when you have to get up at night make sure to turn on the light and make a lot of noise. Sorry if that sounds juvenile but he needs to understand that these children and the home is both of your resposibility.


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## mrs.tinsley (Nov 7, 2007)

My husband and I aren't intimate every single day, but we do express our love through kissing and hugs, etc... I don't understand your husband's actions. Have you any suspicion that he may be cheating? I know it's a hard topic to approach, but it is one that should be questioned.


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## ANF824 (Nov 6, 2007)

I don't have the energy to intimate every day lol but i would atleast like a kiss and hug. I have thought about him cheating and even asked. He denies it but i wouldnt expect anything more. He says "when do i have". He has worked 2-4 hours over 2 days this week so i will have to see his check friday to know for sure.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

When I was the house husband my wife would help one day a week to get the house caught up to par. She also would watch the kids for 4-5 hours so I could get away. It would be fair if your husband did the same for you.

draconis


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

ANF824,
Hi hi, your problem seems somewhat similar to mine, I have 9 months old twins and one of them had colic and reflux.......God i can understand how much you will have to go thru just handling this alone! However, my husband works away from home and only comes home 2 times a month and spends 2 to 3 full days per visit. I m a SAHM taking care of the twins with the help of my old mum. My husband did help out a bit but it was never enough and i get all pissed off when he goes for a nap which i can hardly imagine. We quarelled a lot during the first 4 months after delivery and after that he started helping out more but the romance and intimacy is missing until now. I just called a counsellor over the phone and she said i sound like i m suffering from PPD and i have given me an appointment for a session in two weeks. 

Firstly, its definitely the hormone thats adding on to our stress which otherwise could be dealt with. Your husband needs to be educated on whats going on in u righ now. Colic will go off once your baby is 3 to 4 months so all u can do for now is tell yourself that this is temperaory and do what u feel comfortable doing. Try and get a nanny for a few hours a day or full day if possible. Take time off from the kids and house at least once a week, would be great if your parents can help if not ask husband to baby sit while u go off for a couple of hours. If can get help try and bring hubby away for couple time. 

If u have a close friend or family memeber who would talk to your husband try consulting them. The best is you talk to him yourself but try not to sound like complaining (which i always did and may be thats why i pushed him further away) 

I m actually not in a position to advice as i myself havent sort out my problem but just want to tell u that u r not alone! Try not to give in to the stresses, stay strong. Pm me if u want to talk more! take care


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

It takes two to raise a family. Don't mean to sound like I am man bashing , however, it seems that men can take a nap, leave, shower or make plans when they want too. We are the ones who think, ok what about the kids? The men's attitude is well I work she can take care of it, or I've earned the right to do what I want..there does not seem to be any equality, not even 60.40. Furthermore, if we bring it up then we are nagging......


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> It takes two to raise a family. Don't mean to sound like I am man bashing , however, it seems that men can take a nap, leave, shower or make plans when they want too. We are the ones who think, ok what about the kids? The men's attitude is well I work she can take care of it, or I've earned the right to do what I want..there does not seem to be any equality, not even 60.40. Furthermore, if we bring it up then we are nagging......


Generalization always falls short. I take care of the kids 65% or more and the household 90% of the time. I know several stay at home fathers, fathers with primary care etc. So while your situation may be the normal 80% of the time SAHD might have the same complaint to, yet have less of an outlet because society believes all women are great mothers and fathers can't care for children.

After my divorce from my first wife I had full custody of my child. Everyone asked what was wrong with the mother. My answer "nothing, she is a great mother." They were stunned that she did not have custody. That I was just considered the better of the two parents.

draconis


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I am gonna have to side with kajira on this one. It has been *my* experience that men (men that I know) just up and make plans with disregard to children. My ex was like that and my best friend's husband can be like too. My husband now is great about the kids. He does what he can around the house too. He makes sure the kids are taken care of before he goes and does something or if we have a date, he has been good about finding a sitter before i even start to look. But my ex was the way kajira described and it used to drive me insane. But he is called my ex for a reason!


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Andrea said:


> He makes sure the kids are taken care of before he goes and does something or if we have a date, he has been good about finding a sitter before i even start to look. !


I can't count how many times, I begged my H to do something like that! The fact that your H now does gives me hope!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You knowfor all the bashing on he men I'd have to say you girls need to find better men.

draconis


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I did.


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

tater03 said:


> This is going to sound terrible but I had to resort to this when we had our first son and he got the picture.
> 
> Quit making dinner, quit doing his laundry and when you have to get up at night make sure to turn on the light and make a lot of noise.
> 
> Sorry if that sounds juvenile but he needs to understand that these children and the home is both of your resposibility.


I say AMEN! to what you did here... for I had to do the same thing and still have to from time to time..... I even went away for two weeks and left my husband in charge to really get my point across. 


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

Well I am not going to bash all men, but I will bash the one I have now. He is the most laziest person I know. I got a part time job to help with Christmas and the bills. Yet when I get off I still have to help with homework, housework, cook, etc etc. While I am lucky if he does housework 1 day a week (he did fold 3 loads of laundry today)LOL. UGH


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Their should be an expectation to the amount of work done in a home and everything needs to be considered from cleaning, cooking, paying bills, budget shopping etc.

Reguardless of if you contribute nothing to the bill at all he should do 20% of the work and the same if your part time is 20 hours or less. Now this can include yard work, fixing the car or house.

One method might be to seperate the laundry and just don't do his but all the other people's in the house. Give it a week or two and things change quick.

draconis


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