# A letter im thinking of giving to my wife its long , but should i or shouldnt i ???



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I am truely sorry... Sorry that i failed you, sorry i wasnt enough, i am sorry i should have tried harder, but what i am most sorry of is that in my feeble attempts to rectify my previous flaws and mistakes i was either not seeing what i needed to do or i was not enough.. I regret every time i was in atentive and fell short of what you and the kids deserve. I am truely sorry that i didnt see things the way i do now from in the past, cause i no these things now would make a happy family and that is the one thing in life i want most in life.I had hoped for a final chance on a day to day basis on your terms the way things could be now. But i regret only making them mistakes not one day of the time i have spent with you or the family we have built together and i still hope we can keep it together..

I no you figured the changes wont last yet here it is months later and i havent fell back at all and why cause there is somethings in life worth doing for the right reasons and you and our kids are the biggest ones in that list, and that wont change. I have taken steps to insure that it dont, to make sure of that as well.. I let a game take me away from the things most important in life and was selfish and thoughtless with it in my life and i neglected the things most important in life, you and our kids..And that is why that game is gone and other things as well and most importantly a change in how i react to things.. I dont no why you cant see that makes the difference you needed and that it makes our family a good family to have when our kids need us to be there for them more, yet here i am still sitting here still doing the right things and still wanting to help more exspecially now that im not lost in some devil made game...

Now i no i havent always been there the way a husband should be, and i havent treated you the way a husband should always treat his wife. When we got married i new things wouldnt be perfect but i knew i had found a soulmate, But i hope to grow with each year to become more then i was. Over the last couple aniversarys we had, i then along the way i started backsliding into something else and lost focus.

so in that i didnt make that goal.But it is still what i want to do and still no it is possible to do with some effort. That effort i am giving 100% of now and wont stop now.There are three days in my life that come to mind most and that is the day i seen merrec for the first time, the day i held keira the first time, and the day i kissed you on our wedding day and knew you were the best women alive, them days i will never forget i sit here with a pic of our kiss and look at it every night and smile cause i can see the happiness there..

But i do no what went wrong and how it all went wrong and how i lost sight of them goals and most importantly who brought me back to reality. I want to build a marriage that is strong and passionate and lasts for a life time of happiness.And i want to build that with you and our kids. Im sure it wont be perfect im sure there are mistakes yet in life but the mistakes i have made are mistakes i no to avoid now and i no that any mistakes from here wont be nothing in comarison to what i have made already. Our kids deserve to live with both there parents something we didnt get to do cause of extreme circumstances, but together we can find our way through there growing up, and there teenage years , and eventually there own marriages..And i no this cause we both have good hearts and strong values in life and both of us can do anything together.


I havent done right by you over the last few years and i no it and see clearly what i was messing up, and that is something beautiful beyond belief and thats a family a good family we built.But with your help i have gotten past that devil made game and some other issues in life. I would want nothing more in life then to spend the rest of my life with you, making up for my past mistakes and giving you and our kids everything they deserve and more all along. With the job i have now i will make more then what i was making every two weeks but now in one week each week, and i no its just a paycheck but a paycheck makes life easier though as well. 

I would like to first start paying off our depts and fixing our credit and get you a newer car , on the side id be saving and going to either way to fill that hole in the backyard so our kids can play and get a new fence around the yard as well. I no it can be done and quickly as well. Also would have to get you and soon a new washer and dryer set and maybe get some money for a new heater and air unit for the house, id like to see the basement get finished and made into something we all could use..

Also i would want to make time to go out with you and the kids maybe not every weekend but a lot of them so we can have fun something i forgot how to do when we had kids and starting playing that game and that was something important in keeping a happy marriage all along that just never happened much over the last few years and would love it to happen all the time exspecially for you , you deserve to have that happiness and happy family life and so do our kids and we can have all that and more still it may take a bit of effort now but would be worth it in the long run for our kids.

all this we can have and fast i no that for sure without doubt. And our kids would be with us both and it be easy for you to go back to school and things like that as well,In the past i didnt get a wake up call i didnt reflect or see my errors like i do now , now i see what hurt it caused you , yet now im not that lost soul no more im here for you and want to help and suddenly you didnt want it no more.

And then you tell me you do in some ways on the phone tonight need help and that has me going nuts cause you said you wanted to do it alone and it wasnt like i was there before anyways,and i have offered and offered and you tell me tonight you shouldnt have to ask only thing i can say to that is i didnt want to upset you or offend you. On my side i have tried, and everything i do seems to make you mad or upset dont seem to matter what it is weather it be the changes i now have made or doing things for you or offering you help. now that i no i will give you help i was doing the kids needs as best as i knew cause no one would tell me what they were short on , but now i will continue to do that and give you help with the bills and things like the hole in the back yard and i hope you will give it more time, time to think maybe more and give us the benefit of the doubt and see things from a different light then the past couple years, and maybe try to spend some time with me doing things like going out and such not because of the money just to have some fun i miss you and miss your talks and laughs and smile more then anything and i no we could have a lot of fun still and you deserve it you really do and i want to give you lots of fun things to do..The money isnt nothing to me spending fun time with you and the kids means everything to me..

I no that we can have a better time together now and i no we can have that life we both wanted together, i really do want to grow old next to you and watch our kids grow together i really do want to make life fun and exciting for you and happy , and i really do want our kids to have both parents happily under one roof and i would do it anyway you wanted id want it to be your way on your terms but most importantly id love to enjoy our time together watching and guideing our kids in life grow up, and be there with them all the time like they deserve in life.

I no life is tough at times and people make mistakes some more then others but its how we learn from them and work through them and change to become a better person that makes the biggest difference and you have shown me how to do that and i love you for it , and im not asking you for anything but taking time to find out and time to consider and see this for sure so no one exspecially our kids regret it cause they really do need us more in there lives and i would love to be a part of that more as well and i enjoy them with all my heart and i do miss you all ,more then you can imagine and i do care i cant change the past i can only make now and the future better for us all , and i will be helping you as much as i can now that i no you can use it, im sorry i thought you didnt want no help from me that you wanted to do it all on your own i will not make that mistake again and i really dont want to see you and our kids lose that place or your dad have to be finacially strapped either, i have tried to contact him a few times on helping with the rent but he dont call back ever..I guess i will find ways to help and hope that we can spend some actual fun time together and that you will take time to consider things a bit longer and see for sure for our family as a hole cause we do deserve to give the kids more of us and both there parents if at all possible in there lives..And we should try to have fun so we can atleast have some sort of good relation together either way..

And yes i still would ask for a last chance but on your terms what ever they would be id be honored to have that chance for our kids and you cause the three of you really do mean the world to me ,
But lets try to spend some time together and have fun see if you and i can even do that anymore and we wont no till we actually try it and i have tried over and over to help and try to take you out for some fun time, but i can only reach so far it takes two to do that..
But either way we can still go out and have fun i can and will keep personal stuff to a minimum and that is a lot to ask of a man that has been loyal and committed to the same women and has two kids with for 10 years now and still would do anything anyone of the three of you asked of me. But not spending time with my bestfriend in life is not any fun at all. Yes you have grown that close to me\y heart your more then just a women i love your also my bestfriend in life and more in heart..

Love Ben im always there sometimes you might just have to tell me what you need but i will do what i can the rest the time and hope you wont be mad everytime i do help or anything and that you will slow down and think more there wont be no need to rush a thing right now there is plenty of time i may not like it but what matters is you and our kids exspecially our kids and what they need..

This letter im thinking of giving to her tomorrow at a family deal where she will get a late surprize bday party as well .. should i give it to her at all, should i even give it to her?? and when ?? and since its from my heart and taken some advise from others as well in this letter to be made all though it is from my heart i really dont want to hurt her with it either , and i no its long but please bare with me and read it fully i no i would i have read so many posts in here and commented and given my takes on things as well and hope i get the same here today cause im not sure if i should or shouldnt give this to her since its only been about 3 months and she hasnt filed but says there is no chance no hope but shows signs at times there is??????? please respond for this time is ticking and i would like some advise on this please.........


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

come on please give some honest views on this?????


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

What led up to you writing this letter ? Does she want a divorce or what? Sorry I just dont know the back ground. What is the thread title?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Yes she is saying she does and im trying to work it out and doing a lot of reflecting and changing that was well needed and trying to get a chance at keeping our family together but she hasnt filed due i think to money at times other times she says she isnt other times she is done verbabally then other times she shows signs she isnt sure im not even sure what all to think at this time and if people want to say that its done then thats fine but after a read a super super long thread by Vvoid i have more hope and his story of change and such inspired me more as well, but still confused ill see her tomorrow thats when im thinking of giving her this letter..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Your letter is so sweet. personally i think you should give it to her. Its true you might say something to make her mad, but you might also say something that works in and slowly softens her heart. If you withhold your feelings in fear of making her angry, then you're only guarantee is that she will be angry.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Is there anything in this letter you haven't already told her? If it's all repeated material, then I don't think this will help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I guess it is a lot easier to write a letter saying how sorry you are then it is to work a lot of overtime and take the extra money and put it in 529 college funds for your kids. 

She doesn't trust what you say. So stop talking and start doing stuff that makes the situation better. 




beninneedofhelp said:


> Yes she is saying she does and im trying to work it out and doing a lot of reflecting and changing that was well needed and trying to get a chance at keeping our family together but she hasnt filed due i think to money at times other times she says she isnt other times she is done verbabally then other times she shows signs she isnt sure im not even sure what all to think at this time and if people want to say that its done then thats fine but after a read a super super long thread by Vvoid i have more hope and his story of change and such inspired me more as well, but still confused ill see her tomorrow thats when im thinking of giving her this letter..


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Already started that and more i have given her plenty to see now and im showing it daily and i think that is half the problem right now she dont no what to think about that he big question is will it last? and i no inside it will giving the game up for my family something far far more important then anything else was easy changing some other little things were a bit harder but worth it in my eyes.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm thinking she'd like just one of the things done on this list, rather than the list itself.

In general don't spill your guts to your woman in written format. It almost always comes across like you're scared to actually talk to her.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You might also consider getting the book The Five Love Languages. Maybe doing just one thing well that is her language will be better then doing a ton of things that she doesnt recognize.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

All interesting advise and good too , and not only can i say it to her but will , thing is sometimes she seems to understand things better when i write them down i dont no though ill have to think on this some more before i go to bed bug day tomorrow and im not sure what im going to do at this moment im half tempted to just ask her why the sudden change in wanting help and ask her why she dont feel that with the things i have changed over the last couple months why its not worth still going through what she is doing and yet taking that time to see if we can work things out in the mean time for our kids benefit at the very least i dont no though , she seems to think the kids is me useing them as a pawn when in fact the kids should be the first thing we are thinking about in this , atleast in my opinion , she says she loves me still so id think it should be enough to atleast try to build on for everyones sake but after sitting down this last hour listening to my mother who loves my wife to death she thinks she is just confused for some reason she cant put her finger on , and that i have bent over backwards for her all but when i lost myself in that game, and the more i think on it the more its ring is true, but at the same time i no i made some serious mistakes with the game envovled and needed to get rid of it so i did but now all i no is to me her and my kids are worth anything i must do to work things out and still keep everyone happy.


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

Ben~
1. This is a very sweet and honest letter.
2. You seem sincere and are making a best effort.
3. You love her and your children with all your heart.
4. This is a affirming letter for yourself, not your wife.
5. IMHO I would not give it to her.
6. She needs to begin to rally, assert herself in a healthy manner. 
7. She needs to stop using avoidance as a means of dealing with yours and her marital problems. 
8. There is a chance if she would have asserted herself sooner you would have been alerted and things would not be to this point. She played a part and needs to take some ownership as you are according to your letter. For example, if my husband is overly involved in something, which he has a tendency to do, I let him know how I'm feeling about it. Sometimes it takes more then words, for example, actions like seeing a counselor together to help get back on track etc.
9. She's not an innocent victim. Sure you acted stupid, but she put herself where she is at now. You see, maybe there is something in her past that has caused her to avoid conflict at all cost. You can throw all the nice words in the world her way but you can't fix whatever got her to act in this fashion. This is her work she needs to deal with herself. So even if she avoids you and remarries, this issue will come back to haunt her in the future. Hopefully she will somehow become motivated to help herself in a healthful way just as you are. In fact maybe your modeling of healthful behavior will be exactly what she needs! 
10. You need to talk this out. Don't make it so easy for her to avoid you. Sending this letter IMHO will just feed her passive aggressive behaviors. 
My 2 cents...
Terra


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Terra i have tried over and over to get her to talk she wont do it im half tempted to do it in front of my family so she cant run from it , everytime i have tried she has avoided talking about things and just her answer to not working things out was just plain old i dont want too...... 
Now to show you how sincere i am over this and yes i realize if she would have stayed open with me i would have made things better long ago but at the same time in that game i was lost and it effected even my attitude and i would snap on just about anyone for interupting the dam thing.. pushed almost everyone out of my life and wounder if she just felt she couldnt approach me so i have tried to just be complacent with things so far and not just say hey what is going on or put her on the spot. but i will tell you a story i tried this about 3 weeks ago and i still remember word for word what i said and it was super hard for me to do exspecially since i did it in front of her entire family at her grandmas breakfast table on a sunday morning before church.
i brought her a dead rose and said this is what i did to your heart..
handed her a live healthy one and said this is what i like to do to your heart. i then followed by saying I no i have messed up and i hurt you deeply and only wish to share the pain with you and get past it all . I promise to be a better man a better father and a better husband to you. And i swear this here and now in front of you and everyone else that if you give me this chance i will not fail you again. I only ask for this chance this one last chance out of love and true understanding and realization of what is important in life , and that is our kids and you and i would like to spend the rest of my life doing the right things and make our family a good happy family with you hun..
That was almost as hard as asking her to marry me , but i got told Ben i dont no what to tell you right now , and has gone down hill from there...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

beninneedofhelp said:


> i brought her a dead rose and said this is what i did to your heart..handed her a live healthy one and said this is what i like to do to your heart.


that is one of the sweetest things ive ever heard.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

But sadly it was not enough everything i have done for the better or to help her or offer to help has been recieved like im a poison apple.. I have a poem at the end of a post in the private forums section in Breaking down the walls by Vovoid and that too is from my heart , and again its funny but i can write poetry when im emotional sadly im in the sad side of it , and wish i was on the happy side today so i could share more, i no if some how i do get this chance im going to stay active on this to help keep myself strong and others and to help keep my family life well as well, these things here can help a lot..


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

THE POEM 
I wish you were back with me, I wish you never left me. Their was so much loved we had, now you're gone, it all gone bad. ashley you mean everything to me and my heart, I knew you were special from the start. So much promises you made, tears pain. patients you gave. But I still manage to still love you and care, hoping you would love me back and be there.
So many memories I can't just let go, so many feelings I still have for you that you know. Ashley I don't think you understand how much I care for you and what I would do to have you in my life and to be with you again.
I wish our love would never come to an end, I wish your heart would open and love me all over again. I wish to start with you all over again but the way things are now in my heart and show you how true i am
thought id go ahead and post it here so you can see it easier


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

beninneedofhelp said:


> But sadly it was not enough everything i have done for the better or to help her or offer to help has been recieved like im a poison apple..


well, dont resign yourself to being a martyr now. you are a poisoned apple and you'll have to deal with that. Im not saying that to make you feel guilty or to bring you down. we have all been poison apples to our spouses at some point. even im in the process of gaining my H's trust back for some things i have done. but i realize it will be years until i do that. 

not saying your wife doesnt have her own issues. im sure she does. she definitely needs to learn how to communicate her needs. Like Terra said, there are no victims here.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Yea that was the one thing i wasnt shy about i would speak up about how i felt and didnt bottle up with my wife she has always bottled up since i met her in the past i could always get her to open up when i pushed her to do so , but with the game i didnt see it coming , and now i dont no if pushing is the right thing , cause a lot of the time i have pushed its made her madder at me and sent this into a worse situation, and now that i have backed off a bit we talk a lot more like even tonight we did.. Not sure what to do but for some reason i feel i need to say something to her to get her to talk while she isnt around her family , only person in her family that dont think she should do this is the one person that had always worked out her problems with her husband and thats her grandma but she keeps her mouth shut cause she dont want to get envovled i have even asked her to talk to her and got no where with it.. And yes her grandma and her mom and her moms sister all live under one roof both her mom and aunt are divorced and approaching mid 50s both of them have been through 3 marriages and some how i feel that is playing a part in it.. not sure what to think on that in her family divorce seems like a common thing and people tend to run from marriages instead of working for them like the old days , and not saying its not always the way to go cause in some cases there is no choice but i dont see where most are not capable of working things out if one or both are trying to change for the best of the family and there marriage..


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I guess i should be asking how much patience is enough before you say enough this is it start thinking seriously here , cause she has yet to fill and im sorry this state isnt to hard to file it only takes 500dollars to do that , and here it is approaching three months after she kicked me out i can remember the date and time, sept 18th at 3:33pm and i still for the life of me cant figure out why i remember that so well


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## i wish... (Nov 29, 2009)

you should give her the letter. it shows that you made mistakes and you want to make them up to her. i can understand that she is hesitant and fears getting hurt again. plus she has two kids to watch out for. all you can do is keep trying and show her that you are changing for the better. keep showing love to her and the kids. surprise her with thoughtful things. women want to feel loved and want surprises, thoughtfulness and want to know that they are cared for. we are emotional creatures...


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well i gave her the letter dont no if she read it or not the dinner with the family went goo for the most part all though i caught my grandma tryin to talk to the wife and at that point i walked away guess my dad asked a question as well and i dont no if she was saying these things to be nice or if they were meant i dont no really.. But i guess she told my dad when my dad aske if she was filing she said " i dont no what im doing right now..." grandma i found out asked if there was any hope at all of us staying together ,and she said there is always hope or something like that grandma said she kinda muttered it, and the grandma put in the cards to her some things to that effect , 
All i can say is WOW now that is more then they should have and with my letter on top of that im just thinking wow pressure , dont no what to think on that if it was good or bad ... Myself i just focused on the kids and spent most the time with them , but she did seem to enjoy her time there showed up way way early to be honest.. Anyways that was the day now i just not sure where im going to go with the rest of the week, i guess im just going to sit back and wait i guess and pray for the best.. wish i had some advise on this situation but im at a point today i just dont even no what else to say anymore..


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I believe you are very honest and sincere about wanting to work things out with your wife. What worries me is....are you reading too much into her actions? You say that she tells you that she's done, but sometimes her actions show differently? Are you sure about that? 

I really am not trying to be negative here, but is it possible that she is just trying to figure out what she's going to do and being on friendly terms with you? Yes, the fact that she showed up to your family gathering is a posative sign, but she was pretty vague in what she said when approached by family members, and really, what else could she say to them under the circumstances?

Yes it is possible for you two to get back together. If that is going to happen, it will happen. Don't push too much. Just continue focusing on being the best you that you can be. I know how badly you want this, but you cannot control it and honestly, you don't want her come back because she feels pressured into it. You want her back because she wants to come back.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

that is true scarelet but at the same time i dont no or feel time apart is the answer i see mixt messages even on the threads here on that subject i see a lot of people exspecially women say give her the space an time she wants and then i read seperation is just the first steps to a dieing marriage more or less in short , im hoping to keep her thinking long enough to realize what we do have and could have , she searched me 37 timers on her computer the other night fo some reason , dont make a lot of sence to me and now she wants help with finacial things somthing she has refused from me this hole time.... I dont even no if she knows what she is doing and i think its her step father that is pushing her the hardest to end it and he is a big influence in her life for some reason hard to explain but the man was barely in her life till she went and started this process which to me was a sudden shock one minute were laughing and giggleing on the phone the next i didnt hear her when she got home bringing in grocieries and she got mad slammed a door i asked what was her problem and she exploded and went out the door that was almost 3 months ago ... dont no what to think at this point..


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