# He said he was separated just living in the same house.



## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

How do I deal with this? I am a widow. I met a man online who said he was in the process of divorce. He was meant to visit this August. About two months ago his wife asked if they could try again. He said no and she called a family meeting with adult kids to tell them he refused. He then got the cold shoulder from the adult kids and stopped the final divorce process. I told him putting his family together was a noble thing to do. He wont stop contacting me. She wants the marriage but refuses him sex or intimacy. I called him some terrible names yesterday and deleted everything but email. He actually had the courage to email me this morning What to do? He says he didn't want to miss his sons college graduation ceremony. I am not in any hurry to be involved but I have never been in a a relationship other than my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I wouldn't really recommend you get in the middle of his family brawl, but he needs to show his kids what their mother is. She wants to keep the marriage, and that's great. But a marriage is a two way street, and if she doesn't want to meet her husbands needs, then she needs to find out why and fix it. If she's not willing to meet his needs, then she doesn't deserve him. Assuming that he is in fact meeting her needs, and this selfishness is one-sided.

His kids seem to be under the delusion that their mom is a great woman who wants to keep her marriage intact. When in fact, she appears to be an incredibly selfish woman, who for one reason or the other, doesn't want to lose her husband.

So, my advice to your man friend, tell the kids. Perhaps the condemnation of her children will spur her in the right direction.

But, as far as you're concerned, I would steer clear of him until the dust has settled, and you know what's what.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do you deal with it? By totally blocking him. No contact. 

He's stopped the divorce process. He's married. If some day he isn't married then he can figure out a way to contact you (I assume he has your home address). Maybe you'll still be interested then and maybe you won't. But don't let him continue emailing you. And don't sit around waiting for that day. Live your life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Absolutely stop seeing him. He's married, for goodness sake.

You have no business dating a married man. Surely you see this is not smart thinking. Lots of single men to pursue, that are available.

You're stepping in quicksand if you keep seeing this guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I wouldn't really recommend you get in the middle of his family brawl, but he needs to show his kids what their mother is. She wants to keep the marriage, and that's great. But a marriage is a two way street, and if she doesn't want to meet her husbands needs, then she needs to find out why and fix it. If she's not willing to meet his needs, then she doesn't deserve him. Assuming that he is in fact meeting her needs, and this selfishness is one-sided.
> 
> His kids seem to be under the delusion that their mom is a great woman who wants to keep her marriage intact. When in fact, she appears to be an incredibly selfish woman, who for one reason or the other, doesn't want to lose her husband.
> 
> ...


I told him I think its time he told his kids the truth and to stop rewarding her bad behavior. I told him I want no further contact with him and he is invading my space by sending emails.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

Pinksapphire said:


> I told him I think its time he told his kids the truth and to stop rewarding her bad behavior. I told him I want no further contact with him and he is invading my space by sending emails.





Evinrude58 said:


> Absolutely stop seeing him. He's married, for goodness sake.
> 
> You have no business dating a married man. Surely you see this is not smart thinking. Lots of single men to pursue, that are available.
> 
> ...



I have told him to leave me alone. I am not in any hurry to be in a relationship. I have not met him in person and I don't think I want a spineless man in my life at all.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Why are you investing so much into a person that you have never even met? If you must do online dating it might be time to set some ground rules. 

This guy is not a prize catch. Only you can decide if you are worth more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you REALLY need that much drama in your life?

I don't think so! 

For drama visit the theatre or the cinema or read a book.

For a loving, normal relationship dump him and find a man who is not encumbered as he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just end all contact with him, geesh you never met the guy and you're already wrapped up in his drama. If he continues to contact you simply stop replying, I wouldn't even bother reading his messages.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

For me, there's nothing wrong with dating while separated, or going through the divorce process. I met my wife while I was still legally married to my ex wife.

The difference was, that marriage was capital "O" over. No chance or desire for reconciliation on either side.

Clearly this guy's wife is pushing for reconciliation, and holding the (adult) children hostage as a result. Rightly or wrongly, that's put you in the middle.

Furthermore, you only know one side of this story - his. How do you know for certain that he was filing for divorce? How do you know that he wasn't at fault for this pending divorce (ie. infidelity)? Maybe this woman knows nothing about you, that you even exist, and he was trolling online dating sites, met you, THEN filed for divorce? Or maybe didn't file anything, and was just caught having an online affair with you?

And EVEN IF what he says is on the up-and-up, don't you think you're even a little bit of a rebound for him? Adult children means he's been married for quite a while, probably at least 20 years.

"Not my circus, not my monkeys" is an apt saying for this situation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pinksapphire said:


> I have told him to leave me alone. I am not in any hurry to be in a relationship. I have not met him in person and I don't think I want a spineless man in my life at all.


I think that's a good idea. I hear lots of separated people are still hung up on their exes. I know I was. I hurt a nice woman that way. I didn't go back to my ex, never wanted to, but she could tell I wasn't over her and broke things off with me. I later realized it was the right thing for her to do. I wasn't ready to date yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Because he has stopped the divorce, I take that as a recommitment to the marriage. So, he is a married man.

You mentioned that you are widowed and have never been with anyone else but your H. This is not the relationship to test the waters with.

Seems like his life is full of drama and you do not need that. You do not need to be the side woman for any man (my DD's language). Nor do you want to be his support system, that is not your job or duty. You don't have a relationship with him, in fact, you don't really know him.

Block him from your email and don't reply again to him. 

Take care of yourself and go have fun with the people you know. Before you know it you would find someone great who is free to be with you. This is what you deserve.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Stop seeing him. 

You are only getting one side of the story about his wife and their lack of sex and intimacy. If he really wanted to be with you, he should be divorced.


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## MoominWitch (Jun 23, 2016)

One question: do you have any evidence that his story is true? Many married people, wanting an affair, tell potential lovers sob stories about how bad are their marriages and how they are in the middle of divorce. This might be the case here.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

MoominWitch said:


> One question: do you have any evidence that his story is true? Many married people, wanting an affair, tell potential lovers sob stories about how bad are their marriages and how they are in the middle of divorce. This might be the case here.


To be honest I no longer know what to believe. I didn't think anybody would make that type of thing up. It was on a hobby site nothing to do with dating or romance.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

alexm said:


> For me, there's nothing wrong with dating while separated, or going through the divorce process. I met my wife while I was still legally married to my ex wife.
> 
> The difference was, that marriage was capital "O" over. No chance or desire for reconciliation on either side.
> 
> ...


I have to say I don't know what the truth is anymore I was not on any dating site when he contacted me but one about hobbies. I know that he was planning to visit for the first time this August and his sons ceremony was about a month ago. To be honest I no longer care what he does. He has made his own mess. I have a lonely existence in terms of losing the man I loved from high school but our kids are around and the dog😀


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

Pinksapphire said:


> I have told him to leave me alone. I am not in any hurry to be in a relationship. I have not met him in person and I don't think I want a spineless man in my life at all.


Good for you! You're doing the right thing. And you deserve a man who will be fully there for you, not someone who has half a foot in half a marriage. 

:thumbup:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Don't date anyone, unless they are single, or divorced. Never date a man who is ''separated.'' You will never regret NOT dating a married man.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Pinksapphire said:


> I have told him to leave me alone. I am not in any hurry to be in a relationship. I have not met him in person and I don't think I want a spineless man in my life at all.


For all you know, he could be lying. ''I'm separated but living in the same house.'' LOL!! Riiiight.

You made the right choice, you are strong, and doing the right thing!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> Don't date anyone, unless they are single, or divorced. Never date a man who is ''separated.'' You will never regret NOT dating a married man.


I disagree. Divorces take time, and how much time depends on your state/province/country. Where I live, it's a year of separation before a divorce will be granted.

Better advice would be to not date somebody who is _newly_ separated, and MOST DEFINITELY NOT somebody who is still co-habitating with their ex.

"Separated" IS single. Divorce is merely paperwork.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> I disagree. Divorces take time, and how much time depends on your state/province/country. Where I live, it's a year of separation before a divorce will be granted.
> 
> Better advice would be to not date somebody who is _newly_ separated, and MOST DEFINITELY NOT somebody who is still co-habitating with their ex.
> 
> "Separated" IS single. Divorce is merely paperwork.


The person is still technically married, regardless. There's no reason to rush into a relationship with someone at all, if you're ''waiting'' on your divorce to go through. I get what you're saying, but ''experts'' say to not venture into a relationship until you've been divorced for two years. From an emotional perspective. Plus, people lie...'I'm separated' is often code for 'I'm married, and on the fence if I want a divorce.' A few of my friends have dated separated men, and the men never ended up divorcing. Just best to wait until the divorce is official., in my opinion. If you can't wait a year to get involved with someone on a serious level while you're divorcing, there's something wrong there, and one should reflect as to why they always need to be in a relationship.

Separated is not single. lol Not by a long shot.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> The person is still technically married, regardless. There's no reason to rush into a relationship with someone at all, if you're ''waiting'' on your divorce to go through. I get what you're saying, but ''experts'' say to not venture into a relationship until you've been divorced for two years. From an emotional perspective. Plus, people lie...'I'm separated' is often code for 'I'm married, and on the fence if I want a divorce.' A few of my friends have dated separated men, and the men never ended up divorcing. Just best to wait until the divorce is official., in my opinion. If you can't wait a year to get involved with someone on a serious level while you're divorcing, there's something wrong there, and one should reflect as to why they always need to be in a relationship.
> 
> Separated is not single. lol Not by a long shot.


You ARE right, to a degree. I'd be reluctant to get involved with a separated woman as well, but it is what it is, and every situation is different.

I think you can generally tell within a few weeks/dates/conversations whether somebody is over their ex or not. There will be red flags all over the place if they aren't.

I was with my ex wife for 14 years, and started dating my current wife 4-ish months after we separated. She was the one who initiated the separation/divorce, and it took me by surprise, but it also wasn't a good or healthy marriage, and it took her leaving for me to realize that.

By the time I started seeing my now-wife, I was ready to date and there were no issues whatsoever in that regard. My wife knew I wasn't divorced yet, and still had contact with my ex (related to divorce proceedings, sale of the house, division of assets, etc.) and I won't lie, she wasn't totally comfortable with it, but it was necessary.

The reason I was ready to date by that relatively early time frame, is that I realized I hadn't actually BEEN in a relationship for many years prior. It was co-habitation and sharing of bills.

My case was quite different than the one OP paints, though - no kids, and not living with my ex. No possible reconcilation, nothing holding me to my ex wife at all.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> You ARE right, to a degree. I'd be reluctant to get involved with a separated woman as well, but it is what it is, and every situation is different.
> 
> I think you can generally tell within a few weeks/dates/conversations whether somebody is over their ex or not. There will be red flags all over the place if they aren't.
> 
> ...


That makes sense. It just isn't something I'd recommend anyone to get involved with. When the ink dries on the divorce papers, then the person is 'free' to pursue. lol  

Plus, like your wife then didn't like that you were dealing with your ex. I'm glad it worked out for you both, but when starting a new relationship, it's important for both people to be completely focused, and if a guy was in the middle of a divorce, his focus won't be on the present relationship. Relationships are hard enough without the added drama of dating someone who is going through a divorce. Just my thoughts to it. But very cool that you found someone new to share your life with, and it all worked out.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I dated while separated, but I was living in my own house and on my way to divorce. I and the girls had no issues with it but you need to have real dates. You don't have a real relationship with this guy, don't ever talk to him again.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

When my BIL caught my SIL staying at a hotel in a city 3 hours away with the OM and other coworkers, (they were there to see a NFL game), he asked her, "What do all your coworkers think of you being married and staying in a hotel room with OM?" Her reply, "Oh, I told everyone a year ago that we were separated but still living in the same house." Well, that was news to him.

OP, your guy is probably lying.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> When my BIL caught my SIL staying at a hotel in a city 3 hours away with the OM and other coworkers, (they were there to see a NFL game), he asked her, "What do all your coworkers think of you being married and staying in a hotel room with OM?" Her reply, "Oh, I told everyone a year ago that we were separated but still living in the same house." Well, that was news to him.
> 
> OP, your guy is probably lying.


And right there, is why dating someone who claims they are ''separated and waiting on their divorce to go through'' is an unwise idea.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

My now ex told the OW he ultimately left me for - and everyone else close to both of us - that I asked for a separation so we could see other people, and when he refused because he didn't want to break up our family, suggested we have an open marriage "probably because I was already seeing someone else," and that we were already in the process of divorcing when he first met her and started having an affair.

All lies. And that's only the part I know he told people, and I know because longtime friends of his told me that's what he was saying - while we were still married, still living together, and I knew nothing about there being an OW or that he even wanted a divorce.

I shudder to think what else he told her and others about me. I know it must be bad, because some others of our longtime friends dropped me like a bad habit at first, but have since come around - apologized, even - now that they know the truth.

Now, if some man ever tells me a sob story about how awful his wife is and how they're "already in the process of divorce," it'll be quite easy for me to say, "Tell you what. When your divorce is final and you've been alone for at least six months since, if you're still interested in me, give me a call." Not only do I not want to be involved with a married man in any way, shape, or form, I don't want to be his rebound.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I agree with you, it is noble for them to work out the marriage. Really, in my opinion, he should not have been looking before the divorce was final. Of course his complaint is going to be about not getting enough sex but I can guarantee you there is a reason behind it and you have not heard her side. A man who is married seeking other women and complaining that he is not getting sex......seriously, do not reply to this guy. Count your blessings that you didn't get more mixed up in this and move on.


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