# Is my wife (still) having an affair?



## wakajawaka (Aug 22, 2015)

Question for you. Lets assume everything I write below is the truth. 

Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband. She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached. They cross over to a physical affair on one night only. 

She then decides that she wants to try and work on fixing her marriage and her family. She tells the co-worker that they must not do that again but she wants to remain friends. She doesnt have sex with the co-worker again, but the two of them continue to see each other outside of work alone for a few minutes here and there, after work he walks her to her car, etc. They send each other e-mails about music and sometimes the woman lets her guard down and will say something like "I miss you terribly". 

My question is simply this: Is she still having an affair if she continues to engage this co-worker like this? Is this considered an ongoing affair?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Umm...yes. Sorry, but...yes. First rule of ending an affair is NC with the AP (Affair Partner).


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, whether it is physical or emotional is debatable. She is still talking and meeting with the man who helped her cheat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wakajawaka said:


> Question for you. Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.
> 
> Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband. She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached. They cross over to a physical affair on one night only.
> 
> ...


Yes. If there's any hope for your marriage to recover, she needs to quit her job and immediately -- and *permanently* -- cut all contact w/ this guy.

Also, you'd be a fool to believe the whole "it was only one time" line.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Hell yes it is still an affair. Once you have fvcked someone you can't un-fvck them and seeing each other and slipping back to "I miss you terribly" is just one big build up until the next time you jump their bones.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

As my fWW says, "there is only one reason to meet the OM in person alone, because if you just wanted to talk or be friends, you can talk on the phone!" She says that women especially, because of how they were inundated with messages growing up about always being aware of your surroundings to guard against rape, are never inadvertently meeting someone (especially a male they are not married to or a family member) alone.

You cannot R from an A until the A is completely over. Too many competing priorities!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yes, she is still in the affair. I wouldn't believe for a second that they're not at least making out when sneaking off together. If you read on here long enough, you'll see that WWs will perform wonton acts in car, in park, in a bathroom. Things she would NEVER do with her husband. A quick BJ can be done almost anywhere. With workplace affairs the betrayer MUST go no contact. That includes quitting the job. If the POS is married or has a girlfriend, you must expose to the other betrayed. It's not vengeance, it's to have POS so busy trying to salvage his real relationship that he doesn't have time or is afraid to pursue you wife.

It is possible to recover from infidelity, but it requires a remorseful spouse, and strong boundaries. There should be no secrets. You should have access to her phone, email, and social media. GNO if they happened in the past should no longer happen.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

What makes this, and so many more, unsustainable is folks decide they want to work on their marriage while basically still feeling resentful and have fell out of love with their spouse. (and having replaced them with someone else). Like they say, once you've been to Qz, you ain't ever going to be crazy about being stuck in Kansas again.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

wakajawaka said:


> Question for you. Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.
> 
> Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband. She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached. They cross over to a physical affair on one night only.
> 
> ...


Dear wakajawaka,

Think of it this way: If the woman had never had sex with the other man, what she did would constitute an emotional affair and her failure to stop seeing, talking to and saying words of affection to him would mean that the emotional affair never ended.

That they had sex at some point, even if it happened only once (which is unlikely), means that what became a physical affair is continuing.

Based on the experience of numerous betrayed spouses, the fact that the woman and the other man continue to see each other at and after work strongly suggests that they are also finding time to continue being physically intimate.

As others have noted, once someone cheats on his or her spouse, the only way the marriage can be saved is for the wayward spouse to have no further contact with the other woman or man. Genuine reconciliation cannot take place if the cheater continues to cheat.

What you describe is generally referred to as false reconciliation.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

According to Merriam-Webster


affair
noun af·fair \ə-ˈfer\

affairs : work or activities done for a purpose : commercial, professional, public, or personal business

: a matter that concerns or involves someone

: a secret sexual relationship between two people
6 of our favorite terms
for money and luxury »
Full Definition of AFFAIR

1 a plural : commercial, professional, public, or personal business
b : matter, concern

2 : a procedure, action, or occasion only vaguely specified; also : an object or collection of objects only vaguely specified <their house was a 2-story affair>

3 also af·faire
a : a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration : liaison 2b
b : a matter occasioning public anxiety, controversy, or scandal : case


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Hi Waka,

Your wife sounds like my STBX and how my adventure all started.

You will notice I call mine STBX...

Sorry you are here. Really. Tell us more about your particulars (I'm sounding like Gus now).


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's funny that after she does her running around with another man, she now decides to want to patch up the marriage. In my opinion, she made it really hard to do that, and she still works with this OM and they still send each other text messages.

If it's me, I tell her to go live with the guy because she's not into saving the marriage for the right reasons. It's either for convenience or saving face but not for love. She's proven that by still continuing to talk to this guy.

If it's me, she gets served and if you want her back, then you tell her to start from scratch and do it the right way or highway. Personally, I wouldn't believe a thing coming from her mouth.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Until NC, still an affair.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

YEP


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Yes still in an affair.
No they never stopped having sex.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bfree said:


> Yes still in an affair.
> No they never stopped having sex.


yep


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Si.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Ja självklart


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes...still in the A.

And even if it has only had the one incident of PA, and hasn't gone there again, as long as she is still in this close contact with POSOM the chances are that it will eventually go PA again.

Is POSOM married or in a relationship?

If he is, did you expose to POS's BW/gf?

POSOM is going to continue to try and restart the PA with your WW....pushing boundaries, flirting, etc.

If he's single, your best bet to get him the f*ck away from your WW is to tell him to not contact her again or you will expose him to HR at their employer.

If he is M or has a gf.....expose the A to his BW/gf ASAP.

That will give sh*tbag something else to worry about than trying to seduce your WW into the A again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm guessing the.posom is married but won't leave his family is why she didn't leave you. It might be that she doesn't want to destroy her own children's lives but that's unlikely. Its even more unlikely they stopped banging.

How has your sex life changed before, during , and after the affair? Usually, this is a reliable indicator of the affairs progress.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wakajawaka said:


> Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.


I can't because of this statement...



wakajawaka said:


> They cross over to a physical affair on one night only.


It's TOO fantastical to believe they meet up constantly and only had sex once. In virtually, no affair here does this scenario play out where the WS suddenly resists temptation but maintains a friendship. 

The line is already crossed, why stop? It's like going to McDonald's, ordering the 10 piece and only eating one nugget. Accept they are fvcking like rabbits and doing all the stuff she refuses to do with you. You can take that to the bank.

What you described is a fairytale and it's obvious you've been trickle truthed into this insult to your intelligence of a story. This nonsense is the tip of the iceberg my friend and your marriage is the titanic. Better brace for impact, it's going to be a long cold journey.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'd say the fact that you're asking the question means you know the answer but just for the record...

Most definitely
Absolutely
Without a doubt

*YES*

The question to me appears to be... what now?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Yes, she is still in the affair. I wouldn't believe for a second that they're not at least making out when sneaking off together. If you read on here long enough, you'll see that WWs will perform *wonton *acts in car, in park, in a bathroom.


Or in a Chinese restaurant?

Seriously, though, the answer is YES.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

To answer this question ask yourself some questions:

1) Has your sex life suffered?
2) Did and does your wife vent to OM about your failings as a husband?
3) Do they discuss how you should get over the fact she had sex with him?
4) Does your wife tell you how the two of them agree that they are sorry about what happened and continue to discuss how sorry they are?
5) Are you afraid that they are going to repeat themselves?
6) Has your wife proposed looking for a new job to end this friendship?
7) If you put a VAR in her car and attach a GPS tracker, will you discover anything?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

You can't stay friends with someone you had an affair with. That's outrageous.


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## ODAT (Sep 5, 2015)

wakajawaka said:


> Question for you. Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.
> 
> Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband. She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached. They cross over to a physical affair on one night only.
> 
> ...


Are you my wife?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ODAT said:


> Are you my wife?


You know... because of the title, I hadn't considered that OP might actually be the WW.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sorry brother but your marriage is already over.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

wakajawaka said:


> Question for you. Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.
> 
> Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband. She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached. They cross over to a physical affair on one night only.
> 
> ...


YES it is an ongoing affair. Period.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Given that this thread is close to a month old and the poster has made only one post and never return: he found the answer was yes. Further more I suspect he has given up on life. The people who stay and post are those who still have hope, if not in their spouse or marriage, then in life.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yes!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is continuing her afair; physical and emotional. She is deceiving you and giving you false hope in reconciliation. Sorry you are here.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Why would you stand this???
She has affair with this guy AE and PA,she keep seeing him day after day.

They send each other e-mails in front of your face,imagine what they do in work !!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If your wife is having sex with you after "ending" her affair, she is likely
still having sex with the other guy, as well.
If YOU CAN GET IT, ANYBODY CAN.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Given that this thread is close to a month old and the poster has made only one post and never return: he found the answer was yes. Further more I suspect he has given up on life. The people who stay and post are those who still have hope, if not in their spouse or marriage, then in life.


The person who started this thread "gave up on life" because they haven't returned to post?

Wow that's a stretch if I ever saw one.

I can think of numerous possibilities as to why a person would post once and not return.

1- They got hit by a car and they're dead
2- It was the husband who posted, he got the answer he needed, he kicked his wife to the curb and he's moved on with his life.
3- It was the wayward wife who posted and she was in denial and didn't accept any of the posts who told her she's still in an affair 
4-less likely it was the wayward wife and she's taken these posts to heart and she's broken contact with OM
5- It was the husband who posted and he realizes he's gotta get divorced and he's thinking about his next move which is scarring the crap out of him because he thinks he'll lose everything but for right now he's just sitting back, maybe paralyzed by fear, but that doesn't mean he's given up.
6- He confronted the wife, told her to go NC or get out, and she either got out or went NC and they're attempting reconciliation


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

warshaw said:


> The person who started this thread "gave up on life" because they haven't returned to post?
> 
> Wow that's a stretch if I ever saw one.
> 
> ...


Given what's typically seen here, #5 is the far more likely scenario.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Warsaw, fair enough. In general you may be right. 3 of your points I see as the most likely.

In case 2, 5, 6 it be a mistake to stop posting. An event like adultery carries a wide range of repercussions. To not continue to use this board as a sounding board going forward is a mistake. 

In addition case five and six, while slow but sure can be wise, to cease posting is a strong indication of acceptance or procrastination.

In the OP case I think it is 5.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Given that this thread is close to a month old and the poster has made only one post and never return: he found the answer was yes. Further more I suspect he has given up on life. The people who stay and post are those who still have hope, if not in their spouse or marriage, then in life.


Hopefully he hasn't given up on life but rather he kicked her to the curb in order to improve his existing life. If he did that, on his own, he didn't need us.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Or he didn't come back because he didn't hear what he was hoping to hear.

He wanted to be told that his wife probably was not cheating on him and that things would be OK. When he didn't hear that, he went dark because what can he say?


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