# Sad Separation



## amontalvo (Nov 5, 2012)

Hello,

My name is Alex and I am 46. My wife of nearly 14 years left me 2 weeks ago. We are now separated and perhaps heading towards a divorce. 

It has been rough on me. We never had kids despite fertility treatments. She asked me about adoption years ago but I refused harshly at the time. She says her love for me corroded when I refused to consider adoption. She feels empty and sad now and stated that our souls never fully connected.

Needless to say that I am devastated and miss her horribly. We have talked recently. She explained that she misses me but does not want to be pressed into a wrong decision to get back together. Adoption was the only thing that I recall negating to her. I thought, perhaps stupidly, that I could fill the void of not having children with my devotion and material things. She is truly the love of my life. I am desperate and do not what to do.

I would like some insight to help me cope in this difficult time and avoid making bad mistakes.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She's asked not to be pressed and it's best to comply with that. Let her contact you. She needs some space and time. 

She can't miss you if you call or try to contact her all the time.


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## amontalvo (Nov 5, 2012)

Thank you. I will try to comply altough it is very difficult. We have been inseparable since we began dating 18+ years ago. I appreciate your advise.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

180 my friend . Be nice with her and give her the space . Let her miss you.

One thing in mind - if a woman wants child but husband refuses then the divorce is INEVITABLE ! Have you heard about The Mother instinct ? For the woman this is the biggest deal ( the woman that want kids I mean, because there are gals that doesn't want ).

Stay strong and write here !It will help you allot .


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## amontalvo (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks for the advise again. I have prayed for the strength to give her space. It is very difficult though.

I did not refuse to have children. We went through fertility treatments years ago but the children never came. We kept on trying. However, there were complications later and she had to have her uterus and an ovary removed in 2010. She approached me about adoption some years before the surgery. I refused adoption at the time, possibly too harshly, due to some issues with adopted children that I saw in my family. We kept on trying to get pregnant the natural way until the surgery. She never mentioned anything again until now. She says she is empty and that her love for me has corroded since then.

I have regretted my stupid decision and, more than anything, the way in which I refused her. I have offered to adopt but she is now 49 and feels it is too late. I am crushed that I am loosing her and can't do anything about it.

Timing is horrible too. Our 14th year marriage anniversary is this coming Wednesday. She has to come by the house to take our dog to the vet. I asked and she told me not to get her anything. Unfortunately, I have bought her a present and planned a romantic dinner. Perhaps I should just cancel the whole thing and give her space on that day too. I do not know what to do. 

I would appreciate some feedback. I do not want to make the wrong decision and risk pushing her further away. Thanks,

Alex.


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## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

I joined here to hopefully give you some insight as to your situation. As a female that is your wife's age, and the mother of several children (bio, as well as adopted) who so longed to have more children after our bio children, I can honestly say that if my husband was not on the same page with adoption, that our marriage would have gone downhill. Women know, from a very early age, whether they want children or not. It is at the very core of their being--there are those women who truly do not want children, but I would say those women are rare. Or they don't necessarily want to have children when they are younger, but as they grow older, especially when they are in their 30s, the longing to have children grows. I, too, went through unsuccessful fertility treatment (after having bio children) in my early 40s, but the longing to have more children did not go away. That very primal urge to have children does not go away (until you feel your family is complete), and your wife wants a child/children. There will always be issues that will have to be dealt with adopted children as they go through a tremendous amount of loss and grief over the course of their life. You have to do the best you can. I do not believe it is too late for you and your wife to adopt if you so choose, maybe through the foster care system. International adoption would be somewhat more limited due to changes going on with international adoption as a whole, but there may be some programs you could find that are open to older parents who want to adopt an older child. You and your wife really need to sit down and talk and look at the options. This has to be tremendously hard for her and you.


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## amontalvo (Nov 5, 2012)

Thank you. I understand. I have offered looking into those options. My wife is now 49 years old. She has replied that her energy level is not the same as when she was younger and that it is now too late for adopting. I have attempted to push her several times but she refuses the idea.

At this point, she moved out of the house and refuses to talk. I
decided to give her time but I am afraid that I may be making a
mistake. I just don't want to loose her without trying my best. She resents me for refusing to consider adoption years back. 

On the other hand, I am also hurt because that was the only thing I have said "no" to in 14 years. Furthermore, it bothers me that she allowed her love for me to corrode (as she claims) for years without telling or giving me the opportunity to reconsider. Now I have doubts if she ever really loved me. I am very much in love with her but I am confused
and do not know what to do or think.


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## amontalvo (Nov 5, 2012)

Hi again. Yesterday was our 14th marriage anniversary. My wife came by to take our dog to the vet and I surprised her with a nice gift, a card and dinner at home. We kissed, hugged and talked for a couple of hours. I was full of hope but she left again to her Mom's home.

This morning I sent her an e-mail regarding some of the things we discussed. She replied thanking me for the dinner and stating that it was a "very, very nice gesture." She added that the psychologist she is seeing told her when she presented all her doubts (i.e., I guess about me) that she is not ready yet. Furthermore, the psychologist advise her not to let herself be pressured until she is sure. She asked me to let her be "tranquila" (i.e., in peace in Spanish).

I confess that I was not happy with her e-mail. I have conceded to whatever she wants to do about children. However, when she left over 2 weeks ago, she stated that there was someone else she liked at work. After that she has indicated that it is nothing. This makes me feel uneasy and insecure. I feel that our issues may extend beyond not having children. I have asked her to go to a marriage counselor together but she refused. I am confused and hate to believe that she may be playing with me. I have never cheated or loved anyone else besides her. It hurts me to think that I may continue to wait for her and, in the end, she may choose to be with someone else.

I sent her an e-mail a few minutes ago stating that I will leave her alone. This is a difficult decision after 14 years of marriage which, at least for me, were very happy until recent events. Any advise? Am I doing the right thing? I welcome your thoughts. Regards,

Alex.


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