# She says it's therapeutic.



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So my wife, after having an EA with a friend of ours, Blocked him from her facebook account. This family was friends with ours so he is still friends with our daughter. So this morning she logged into FB through our daughter's account to see how he was doing. She said it was therapeutic for her to know she didn't still have feelings for him. She wants me to allow her to do this any time she wants so she can remember that there is still nothing there from time to time.

So from a professional standpoint, is this right to allow her to do this?

It just about killed me to have her tell me this but should I allow her this? Do I just need to work through my own feeling on my own? 

I honestly can't believe she asked this of me...but whatever!


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

How long ago did EA end?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So then by her standards, anything that you decide to do, even if it hurts her is therapeutic for you. She is unrepentant.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

willzy said:


> How long ago did EA end?


About three weeks ago. She became really defensive too. We promised to not keep things from each other. This promise she kept by telling me that she did go and do this. I didn't even get mad I just said it is probably not a good idea and a step backward. She disagreed, told me she was depressed again, and then turned off her phone.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> So then by her standards, anything that you decide to do, even if it hurts her is therapeutic for you. She is unrepentant.


Yeah I get it. I asked her close to the same thing. Then she turned off her phone.


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

tj71 said:


> About three weeks ago. She became really defensive too. We promised to not keep things from each other. This promise she kept by telling me that she did go and do this. I didn't even get mad I just said it is probably not a good idea and a step backward. She disagreed, told me she was depressed again, and then turned off her phone.


Well if it ony ended 3 weeks ago I'd say continued contact now means that it hasn't actually fully ended.

So no. It's not OK. It will upset you and set her back in her efforts to fully withdraw from him.

The one saving grace is she actually told you about it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Um, even your kid will pay the price of her affair. She should unfriend the jerk too.

Your wife is playing games with you.

She is still in it.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm so sick of this $hit!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Shut her down financially, close her access to your money. Cut off her credit cards and file for divorce or separation. she needs a little wake up call.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> Shut her down financially, close her access to your money. Cut off her credit cards and file for divorce or separation. she needs a little wake up call.


yeah! That will solve everything won't it  I would end up alone for sure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

tj71 said:


> yeah! That will solve everything won't it  I would end up alone for sure.


Hey, AWAY from her is a better thing.

Not the same thing as ALONE forever.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

michzz said:


> Hey, AWAY from her is a better thing.
> 
> Not the same thing as ALONE forever.


Ya know, as much as I love her, some days I would love to do that. We also have 5 children. It's just not that easy.


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

While I, of course, can't speak to your situation (or your wife's) - I would say she shouldn't be looking. I had, I'm sorry to say, an EA that ended a couple of months ago. I was devastated when it ended, and have not allowed myself to look at his FB profile since - it just hurts too much, even now. 3 weeks is not a very long time to get over an emotional attachment, so I would be wary of her claim that it is "therapeutic" or that she no longer has feelings for him.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

She also tell sme that other people, who have been throughg this, are telling her that she shouldn't be telling me all of her feelings she is going through right now. Her friend this morning told her not to tell me about her looking at him through my daughter's profile. WTF is up with that shiz!??? Is that right? Should she be keeping some feelings from me while she recovers? Certainly the acts of any kind don't fall under this umbrella.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So you're more afraid of being alone then trying to effect her behavior? I can tell by the way she talks to you and how she feels entitled to follow up on the OM that she does not respect you. Love cannot live without respect. But I guess you have to do what you have to do. You need to read a lot of threads on this site. If you do. You will find out just how successful your strategy is. Your fear will only lead to her having contempt for you.


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

For her to tell you that other people are telling her NOT to tell you (ok, that gets complicated) just seems odd. Like she is looking for an excuse/justification not to tell you, but at the same time wants to taunt you with it a bit. If I were in your place, that would just make me more suspicious. It's almost as though she wants to keep throwing it back in your face.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Yes. That did make me suspicious and that is what made me really upset. It's like it all escalated from me not really being bothered too much to I am about ready to give up.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> So you're more afraid of being alone then trying to effect her behavior? I can tell by the way she talks to you and how she feels entitled to follow up on the OM that she does not respect you. Love cannot live without respect. But I guess you have to do what you have to do. You need to read a lot of threads on this site. If you do. You will find out just how successful your strategy is. Your fear will only lead to her having contempt for you.


Do you think I need to lay off then? Find a way to just deal with my feelings so that she won't get contempt for me?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

tj71 said:


> Ya know, as much as I love her, some days I would love to do that. We also have 5 children. It's just not that easy.


She's counting on your parental feelings to stop you from stopping her?

That is emotional abuse.

If you draw the line in the sand, insisting on decent behavior, then your children will respect you even if she continues to not respect them or you.

Time to man up, and press, not time to back off and accept crap from her.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

michzz said:


> She's counting on your parental feelings to stop you from stopping her?
> 
> That is emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


It's not so much that it's "crap" from her. She is very sweet and we are best friends. But we have been on a rollercoaster for a while. It's really hard.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to cut her off. If she can't be trusted with you feelings. She certainly can't be trusted with your money. I am not saying to stop providing for her. I am saying do not give her access to your money or credit. She needs to respect you.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Well, I might but we have no money or credit cards...haha no threat there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

tj71 said:


> It's not so much that it's "crap" from her. She is very sweet and we are best friends. But we have been on a rollercoaster for a while. It's really hard.


She can roll it up in bacon and honeydew melons and it's still crap.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well! Wow you got everything from "kick her out and cut off all money" to "she can roll it in bacon and honeydew but it's still sh*t! So :rofl: um just WOW!!! 

In an effort to respond to your question, it is not therapeutic for her for you for her to be checking up on the OM by going through your daughter's facebook account. It's also not therapeutic for her to be lying to you about it, as her friends are suggesting. Let me guess...would these be the people who knew about the affair and sort of turned a blind eye, or told her she deserves some happiness and she would feel free if she divorced?  

TJ71, let me answer you and your wife both as if you are reasonable adults. Have you been reading around on the site a little and figuring out a little bit about how affairs start and how they work? If not, let me know and I can refer you to some good links! But in summary, things were happening in your marriage before the affair that were hurting both of you and made you both vulnerable. Your wife happened to run into another person who noticed her, who thought she was pretty and funny and smart, and who talked to her nicely. Since she hadn't put strong boundaries in place around herself to protect herself from it, she slipped and bit by bit enjoyed being attractive to someone. Once that slippery slope starts, there is actually a chemical reaction to that attention and it is as if she becomes addicted to the thrilling zing of the affair. That's why we call a disloyal spouse an "Evil Twin" because you knew her for 10 or 15 years and this isn't like her. She's not a liar or a cheat or even usually untrustworthy! But like any drug addict (envision someone who's gradually becoming addicted to heroine) they will do anything to get more of that "high" until eventually they are doing things that just are NOT them! 

Right now you caught your wife before she got too very addicted, but that does not mean the addiction is over because you found it. You found proof that it was inappropriate and good for her, she voluntarily agreed to stop the affair and work on the marriage. Now I think both of you need to talk about and understand The Purpose Of No Contact. In order to move on from the affair, she will have to agree to ending all contact with the OM, and letting go of the ways in which the affair developed. That means she can not "check" on him or let him know how she's doing, or even know if he's hurting or tell him that she is! NO CONTACT...EVER, and it has to be immediate, absolute and permanent. 

It needs to be immediate because every time there is contact, even if they don't "talk to each other" it is damaging to the marriage and disrespectful to the loyal spouse. Every time she "checks on him" the affair addiction continues as does the foggy justifications for the affair. Just check on the thread by Flowergirl777 to see what ongoing contact does to the marriage, to her way of thinking, and to her lack of recovery! It can not "taper off"--there has to be no contact in real life, on email, on chat, on the phone, on IM or ANY OTHER WAY. Then and only then can the disloyal spouse go through the withdrawal stage and slowly get over the thrilling zing of the affair (which biologically is actually an amphetamine release in the brain). Once withdrawal is done and the disloyal is no longer addicted to the affair, then both of the spouses can really work on themselves and make the marriage happy and loving! As long as the contact continues (even "checking"), she will not go through withdrawal and the addiction to the affair will continue--AND she will not be able to recover and rebuild a new marriage. She will say she feels "numb" and it will seem like spinning wheels because nothing gets done. 

It is also imperative that she does not return to the habit of lying to you about things that she thinks you "won't like" (as her friends are encouraging her to do). This kind of hiding and dishonesty is what got the affair to this point in the first place! Whereas if she were to be honest with you and say, "Honey I'm tempted to check up on him!" what she needs is for you to be her FRIEND and not her judge or even her spouse...and help her get passed the temptation without blame. During the affair she was operating in a dishonesty, untrustworthy way and right now it is very, VERY important that she get rid of friends who are encouraging her to lie to her spouse and be as open and honest with you can she can stand. The trick is that on your side, when she is honest with you, make sure that she is absolutely safe to be transparent. 

So I would encourage you to let her know that for the marriage to be rebuilt and repaired, that No Contact is a requirement--non-negotiable. If that means you can not be "friends" with that couple then so be it! But also let her know that she will not be going through it alone--that you guys are a team now and you are on her side to help her get through everything. Show her the article about No Contact, and then maybe these Sample No Contact Letters, and then tell her you'd be happy to help her write him one. She writes it, and you send it so we don't get "Oh I sent him a no contact letter" and she didn't send it or it was one last love letter or it wasn't a "He's on to us we have to lay low for a while" letter. 

Then let her know that for the next few days, a week or more she's likely to feel pretty depressed, lonely, and sad as she goes through withdrawal from the thrilling zing of the affair. Let her know that you understand that's how she'll feel and you are there for her. My Dear Hubby, during this time, told me he was not only my spouse but also my friend, and that as a friend, he cared about me enough to listen to my feelings and be there for me to support me through it. So be that guy for her! 

Finally, if it is AT ALL POSSIBLE this is the time for you and your wife to get away for a long weekend or small vacation. Now, if you are anything like pretty much everyone (heehee) you'll say something like: "Oh we have five kids and can't possibly afford a vacation right now...yada yada." Well let me ask you this: what will a divorce cost you? It is this lack of connecting and this lack of getting away to spend time as lovers that got you two to this point in the first place, so don't tell me you "CAN'T" do it--tell me how you are GOING to find a way!  You want to go to a place that has fond memories for the two of you--it should be just you two--and there should be some fun activity involved. For example, if she loves dog shows, go to the B&B that you went to on your honeymoon and that weekend take her to the dog show. The idea is to get her to a new environment that is not "where the affair took place", to get her away from the typical day-to-day cares of kids and bills and work, and to reconnect YOU and HER by doing something that is fun for both of you in a place that you both think of fondly. This will help her get over the withdrawal faster and not only disconnect her from OM but RE-connect her with YOU!

So you have work to do! Go! Do it! :lol: :lol:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Are you still reading? 


Go book a B&B! I'm serious here!


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

haha yes I was still reading. Wow a lot of info to process. See I have told her many things you have said about no contact. She sees it differently and gets upset that I am just not trusting her. I am wondering if she has bi-polarity problems or something now cuz it's just so messed up. I can't tell her I disagree with her or tell her my feelings because everything falls apart. Every time. It's like I spend soooo much time coddling her and her feelings and letting her have her sad days that I have no time to get through my own pain because i am the stable one that steps up and takes care of the kids and everything else that needs it when all she can do is sleep it off. 

We have talked a lot about how important no contact is. But when she feels something like what happened to day is important for her to get through it, she will always turn it around to make me seem like the a-hole and that there is something wrong with me. Not intentionally or outwardly but with pathetic-ness. Make sense. She really is a great woman but it never seems like I am right or justified cuz she will always break down whether I get mad or not.

I am just trying so hard to protect her and us from moving backward but in the end she feels like I just totally mistrust her, stifle her, and set her back. Today was the first day I considered leaving her for real. I expressed those feelings calmly and she about went into a depression fit again. I know she has depression and she takes meds for it but it's getting outta hand. I try so hard to be sensitive...it's just such a challenge.

We are still trying to figure out if anything is missing from our relationship and we are dumb founded. We really are great friends...very rare if you ask me. Honestly we are. I just don't know that there "has" to be something missing from a relationship for it to go downhill.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

And if she still has feelings for him?..... either she wants to be married or she doesn't. If she needs to be reminded that she's married she can look at her ring or you can display the license on the wall. The only guy on earth she needs to wonder about her feelings for is the guy she's married to. I believe I'd let her know that you are happy to be #1 but you aren't somebody's backup plan or second best. If she has doubts about who she has feelings for, she needs to explore those doubts under a different roof. This is pretty friggin' unbelievable! She ended an affair (allegedly) 3 weeks ago and out of your good grace she's still allowed in the house. She should be courting you and making nice like you're the last guy on earth right now if she's serious.


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