# i need help



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i am lost. i am sad. if you read my other posts, i just asked my husband for a divorce. now i am thinking i made a mistake. i should have talked to him first. i should have found out what he excuse was for looking at dating sites. 

but then i cant ignore that this morning we had sex and 20 minutes later he was on the dating sites looking at naked women. after he didnt even look at my naked ass for 2 secs after we had sex and i walked into the kitchen.

but i already miss him so much. all the good memories are running thru my head. every where i look in the house reminds me of him and of course it is the good memories. finally seeing just what he has done for me.

only it doesnt excuse his actions, his lying, his drinking, his emailing OW to hook up. 

but i hurt so bad. i already want him back. to work it out one more time. 

i dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have talked to him before about this right? And it made no difference. Then he gave you some pretty stupid lame excuse for his going on line and asking women to meet him. Chance are that he's being meeting up with women all along.


Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to keep it. If he wants this marriage as much as you do.. he will be back. Then you have the leverage to get him to do what he needs to do to work with you to fix the marriage and for him to stop trying to meet other women.

What do you do now? Go read the stickies in the infidelity form and come up with the list of what you expect of him in order to fix things. 

If he does not come back then you know he was already out the door.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

well we tried that before. we were separated for 2 years in 09 to 11. when he came back (after i found out he was with OW and i paniced and begged) he told me the next time he left it was for good. 

and i have always been against divorce. i dont believe in it. and i never wanted it. so i took a lot from him. 

we cant fix it. but i hurt so bad. i want him back. hell i never wanted him to leave in the first place. but he has been treating me badly for a while of course there was good time too

omg!! i just dont know. but i hurt and i miss him and i want so badly to call him and tell him i am sorry and i made a mistake.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you call him you just shot your last shot of fixing the problem. You are sending an its ok to cheat on me message. Again if you really want to fix the problem stay strong do the 180. You tried to fix it last time and gave him that message of I'm a doormat please stay its ok to cheat and he did. It's your choice your an adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

how in theee hell is a guy who has zero respect for his wife... even remotely actractive to you? 
If I caught my wife trying to look at another guys weenee right after we had sex she'd be gone. That says you mean nothing to him. Don't you want a husband who respects and values you and your relationship?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Of course it hurts, and terribly so but my advice would be not to make a decision when under so much emotional distress. You are more likely to make poor decisions when in such a state. You made the decision to leave him and did. Stay the course until your emotions cool down and you can think more clearly. Do you have family or friends you can turn to for support?


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

you are right. i am a doormat. i dont have his respect. and i was foolish to let him come back. now i am still going thru bullsh*t. no surprise there huh. 

i cant say why it is so hard for me to let go. i kept telling myself it is because i strongly do not believe in divorce. but yes, you all are right. he treats me like crap and i let him. so why would he change? 

i cant think of any other woman who would put up with the crap i have. of course what you put up with is what you live with and i am. 

good news is that i am getting really tired of it. and i am now trying to deal with the fact that after all these years of trying to make my marriage work. it is over. it is hard and painful that i am about to lose everything i worked so hard for just because of the actions of someone who said he loved me. 

actions speak louder then words. and i saw all his actions as not loving me and not wanting to be here. i guess i am just foolish and stupid and of course stubborn.

thank you for your responses.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You're scared and hurt and think you, and you alone can fix it. You can't fix him. Either you are ok with the infidelity, or you're not. Its sounding as though you are beginning to realize that for you, its not ok. And that is a wonderful start. Get into therapy. Stop having sex with him unless he agrees to give up other women. Implement the 180. And keep checking in.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i am very hurt and scared. infidelity is not ok with me. i am looking into al-anon. i havent had sex with him since the whole looking at dating sites with pictures of nakey women 10 minutes after he last had sex with me. at least i got that right. 

apparently i have implemented the 180 all on my own. i never heard of that until recently and i just read the whole thing and yep i am doing all that and have been for a while. 

i am getting stronger about letting him go. i dont know why i still love him even thou he treats me like crap, doesnt appreciate me and doesnt respect me. i dont know why i panic after i kick him out to the point that i tell him to come back. and i really dont know when i go so pathetic and codependent. it is a new thing for me and i am trying to come to terms with it.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. I understand the flip-flop. I went through it too. Divorce never settled well with me, but I drew the line at cheating. That is what gave me the power to say no more. We had been to marriage counseling a few years back but I stopped when I realized that his idea of marriage counseling was fix her so she puts up with my crap without complaining about it. That was before the cheating. Once I found out about the online marital affair websites that he was visiting, I went to one more MC sessions where he just tried to justify his actions. After I went to bed that night, he got back on those sites. The next evening I confronted him and he first lied about it, once I backed him into a corner where he knew he could not deny it, he turned on me and said how dare I bring it up since that was not was he was doing at the exact moment. He packed some clothes and left. I told him then that he would not get back into my house. (The house is my separate property.) I filed shortly after that and have not looked back.

He had spent years trying to make me feel guilty for saying anything to him about anything because (fill in the blank with whatever he thought would work at that moment). For a long time, I worried that I would push him over the edge if I demanded that he treat me with respect and dignity. But no more. I deserve more than that and life is too short to just accept being treated like crap. The man I feel in love with and married was dead. I didn't know who this man was but I knew that I was not spending one more day with him.

Stand up for yourself, kick him to the curb and learn to be happy with yourself and for yourself. You deserve it.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

wow! i read your story and i think good for you girl. but then i look at my story and i think is there something else i should try, what havent i done yet to make this work and how do i fix this? 

I dont know why i do that. after all he has done to me, all the hate and anger he shows me, the disrespect towards me, the resentment if i do soemthing good or better then him. with him being an alcoholic passive aggressive partner, i guess it all snuck up on me. i didnt even notice how bad it had gotten. it was not until i started writing here that i could see everything all at once. i get mad easy, blow up fast but after i work it out i get over and forget it. i dont bring up the past and actually brain dump it. you cant make a relationship work by holding onto the past mistakes. i dont, but he does. loves to throw things in my face and i never noticed. something would happen and i would deal with it and try to fix it. we would be good for a while then something else would happen. it never was the same thing twice, maybe verations but i guess i didnt notice the similarities. and even when he was with OW while we were separated and was letting her put me down and talk sh*t about me, all i could think was that it was my fault for letting the separtation go on so long (2.5 years) and how of course he found someone else since i didnt show or tell him how much i loved him or that i wanted him back during that time. WTF is wrong with me. i can honestly say that if i was DATING him and he was doing this crap i would have kicked him to the curb a long long time ago. i doubt we would have lasted the second year and damn sure wouldnt had made more babies (5 for me). why do i think that since we are married, i have to deal with this, i have to make it work. that i cant give up.

i mean we got married in the catholic church which means a lot to me. it is a sacrement. so that will mess things up for me for the rest of my life. but then i talked to our priest and he said that we CAN divorce. we just cant remarry. ok. so i have NOooOOO plans on every remarrying i think i will be ok. or if i find someone else i can live with him in sin forever. i am not sure what is the more evil sin. fornication or remarry but at least i could still continue as a catholic.

and then there were my parents at first, saying to fix it. they are both old school. dont believe in divorce like me. if something is broken you fix it not throw it away, like i believe also. my parents are my rock. i have a really good relationship with them. i look up to them and at 45 i still look towards their examples on how to live my life. my h family is a train wreck. nobody in his family stays together with anyone or anything (houses, jobs, cars, children) in my defense i did not know HOW f*ed up he really was because i now believe he was even lying to me then.

but now my mom and dad are kind of tired of the way my h treats me too. they have first hand witnessed some of the stupid ways he acts or talks. now dont get me wrong, neither one of them tell me to divorce him, but they agree that he doesnt treat me right and they dont even know half of it. when i tell them i dont know what to do anymore, they tell me they will support whatever decision i make.

and another reason.... i never wanted a broken home,( i know EVERYBODY SAYS THAT) i had children out of wedlock. i already went thru the single parent thing. i remember how hard it was for my kids not to have a daddy. i did not want my last 3 not having a daddy either. i wanted to provide a supportive, stable, loving and happy family for my children. i wanted to grow old with my husband and have my grandchildren to have grandparents that stay together. i was trying really really hard to make this work that i guess i couldnt see what it really was. i am a strong believer that you can make it work if you communicate and love another to work it out. it took me years like 7/8 to figure out that talking was working. it still took me a few more years to figure out that he must not love me if he continues to do these things that hurt me and not listen or change. and still a few more to finally figure out that it was not my fault.

but i can see we dont have that. again, dont get me wrong. h does have good qualities. and if he would just continue with the good stuff he would be great. but more and more often, he doesnt come home at all or he comes home late. he seems angry all the time. he doesnt want to talk at all about our marriage and of course what he has done. if i dont bring it up, he is good. most days he sees the kids about an hour. sometimes he will put them to bed and read to them. when he is not home, i dont make a big deal out of it. if they ask i tell them he is working. when he is home, we dont fight or argue and actually talk politely and "act" like everything is normal. i hid so much from them. i never cry in front of my kids, i never tell them how much of an ass their dad is. they still get excited when he comes home, run to greet him and talk to him. they like telling him about what happened at school. it kills me to know that if i make the decision (because h never owns up, or takes responsiblity, much less decides on a d*mn thing by himself so it will be up to me to make the hard choices AND live with them while he just lives life carefree) that will end any relationship they will have with him. o i know he will "try" at first. but then his lifestyle will overcome him, and the visits will get fewer and farther between and then will stop altogether because his guilt will overwhelm him and of course he will handle it by applying more alcohol, more often.

but they are getting older, and i know they are starting to see between the lines. i definately dont want them to grow up and think it is ok to treat the people who love you like sh*t. they love to give me presents that they make at school or church or whatever. sometimes when they are out with h at the store, they ask him to buy flowers for me. but it is the little boys who give me it and tell me they wanted to buy them. after 12 years of marriage and 14 years together my h still has no clue what to get me for gifts. he still can not walk into a store and look around and find something i would like. he would tell me it was because i was so picky (i am not) that if i didnt like something i wouldnt use it (doesnt everyone?) or that i would get mad if he got me the wrong thing (never in my life!!!! i was raised better then that, say thank you with a smile even if i hate it) and finally just that he never knows what to get me (even thou i start dropping hints in november. like oh i really like that thing or look at this, i always wanted one) basically it took me a while to figure out that he just doesnt care to know what i like, need or want. of course i have NoooOOOooo problem getting him something.

and now maybe lastly....i cant afford anything without his paycheck. not that he gives me money every week he gets paid. but my paycheck pays for the children insurance and the mortgage. i cant even pay my cell bill or student loan. his money pays the elec, the gas, the water and the groceries. if he gives me the agreed amount of 250 every week, i can pay my cell, the internet and the loan. we always argue about money. he has been working at this place for 2 years, i just found out how much he actually makes this summer. he used to tell me he only made 200 a week. he actually makes 500 + a week. so even giving me 250 a week, leaves him 250 a week and he is always broke by monday. he never tells me what he spends his money on. he always cant remember. he used to pay the water, gas and electric on his own but after a couple times of the elec and water being turned off, that is why we (or really i) came up with the 250 per week and i pay them now.

but if i divorce him, then i know he will stop giving me money. even after i get court ordered or garnishment. it will only be a matter of time that he will end up losing his job because of his drinking. he did that when we were separated. lost a job where he was getting 2000+ a month. 

i have worked so hard on this house and for everything i have. i feel like i am too old to start over with scratch. 

right now after talking to him last night, he is being good. i actually told him that he will "act" good for a week or two before he starts his sh*t again. i told him that everyday he hurts me and everyday i am getting closer to divorcing him. i actually have the divorce papers i get from the court for 20 bucks a package. i have to fill it out myself and get his signature and mine notarized. i still have to go to the workshop for instructions on how to file. then after signed i take back to courthouse and pay to file i think it is 300. and we done. our state has a no clause divorce thing so i dont even have to put a reason.

***maybe i am just making excuses, i dont know anymore


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i know that was way long. i just started typing and it all came out. i really hope someone takes the time to read it. i know everyone here is in the same situation i am in. i know i was stupid for asking him to come back after i told him i was going to divorce him and kicked him out. no surprise to anyone i am sure that things just got worse. he is acting like he is a teenager, with no responsibles and the only thing to do is drink and party. i have asked him over and over what is wrong, what is going on with him. he is 38, is it too early for a mid life crisis? he refuses to go to any kind of couseling, marriage or aa. he admits that he is an alcoholic but doesnt actually DO anything to change. he tells me over and over, that this is just the way he is, he f*ks up everything, he will never have anything. he just cant hold on to anything, he is a loser and a f*k up. i used to tell him he has us, and we love him and we want him home and we think he is somebody and that we can get thru this if he really wants to make it work and change. his response was agreement and the next night or night after that he would stay out all night, drunk and f*cked up. not calling or if he calls he is beligerent. blaming me for sh*t i did months, years, ago. his action and behavior shows that he is not even trying to stop. i told him that too. 

i am stupid for holding on. i hate the years i wasted with him but then one the other side, when he throws me a bone and acts good. i can see forever with him. i look at couples and think i could have that if only h would......(fill in the blank) sometimes we have real good times. go out and do things as a family. tonight he spend good time with the boys and they loved it. all it does now is make me hurt cuz i know it is not going to last. i am not saying anything. if he talks to me, i answer. if he doesnt, i dont. i am not telling him what he needs to do anymore. we have had that conversation a million times. 

i am just waiting until the next time. the next time he gets on a mean drunk, the next time he stays out all night, the next time he .......

waiting is also killing me thou


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MrsVain said:


> i know that was way long. i just started typing and it all came out. i really hope someone takes the time to read it. i know everyone here is in the same situation i am in. i know i was stupid for asking him to come back after i told him i was going to divorce him and kicked him out. no surprise to anyone i am sure that things just got worse. he is acting like he is a teenager, with no responsibles and the only thing to do is drink and party. i have asked him over and over what is wrong, what is going on with him. he is 38, is it too early for a mid life crisis? he refuses to go to any kind of couseling, marriage or aa. he admits that he is an alcoholic but doesnt actually DO anything to change. he tells me over and over, that this is just the way he is, he f*ks up everything, he will never have anything. he just cant hold on to anything, he is a loser and a f*k up. i used to tell him he has us, and we love him and we want him home and we think he is somebody and that we can get thru this if he really wants to make it work and change. his response was agreement and the next night or night after that he would stay out all night, drunk and f*cked up. not calling or if he calls he is beligerent. blaming me for sh*t i did months, years, ago. his action and behavior shows that he is not even trying to stop. i told him that too.
> 
> i am stupid for holding on. i hate the years i wasted with him but then one the other side, when he throws me a bone and acts good. i can see forever with him. i look at couples and think i could have that if only h would......(fill in the blank) sometimes we have real good times. go out and do things as a family. tonight he spend good time with the boys and they loved it. all it does now is make me hurt cuz i know it is not going to last. i am not saying anything. if he talks to me, i answer. if he doesnt, i dont. i am not telling him what he needs to do anymore. we have had that conversation a million times.
> 
> ...


WHY are you waiting?? You have spelled out here what you know is reality, get moving and stop waiting. The man is a cheating pig. Those times he acts all good is him feeding you CRUMBS because you have trained him that he can treat you like sh!t and you still keep him around! Well, its time to change that! STOP WAITING!! He will never disappoint you in that you can always rely on him to be a pig. File for divorce and get this POS out of your life. YOU CAN DO THIS.

*** and YES, you are making excuses!


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

thank you. and hmmm. wow. 

i know i criticize myself. i am always questioning myself and my actions. trying to be a better person. I lost myself somewhere down the line, not exactly sure. but then again, a person is always changing and developing. maybe i just havent figured out who i am any more because i am always dealing with something or another. trying to raise my kids, keep my house, pay the bills, make sure my vehicles are running well, trying to keep the inside and outside looking clean and good cuz my pride wont allow me to slack on duties. on top of that i lost my 25 year old and my first born to Ehler danlos IV last year. where i kind of lost it for a while.

it seems like i am just getting out of a fog, and noticing things clearly for the first time. yes, i know most of his doing is my fault for allowing him to do it to me in the first place. but please try to understand, i didnt see or think that is what was happening for the longest time. my idea of marriage is that you love each other and you continue to change and compromise to make the marriage work. and because you love the other person, when something "bad" happens...you deal with it, handle it, talk about it and then FORGIVE the other persons for doing it. you dont keep bringing it up because that defeats the purpose of working it out. it took me a long time to see that i was the only one in this relationship doing that.

like i said maybe it is all excuses, but to me their valid excuses that i need answer too before i can move on. maybe it is too late, idk...


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

thank you missfroggie. I really needed that. that is why I like this site. I felt super alone with what I was going thru. I read other peoples stories and it makes me stronger. at first I was just looking for validation for my feelings. I mean I knew it was wrong but I was worried I was over reacting. I do have people close to me, but somehow having other people who are outside your circle tell you makes it stick home better. if that makes sense.


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