# Two inexperienced loners need advice



## BMANinTN (Jan 26, 2015)

I'm 31, male, and am in a relationship with a girl aged 24. We are looking to get some advice on our situation because we are both relatively inexperienced and would like to ask some people more experienced to help us out and possibly share some stories.

Here's what's going on:

We met online on a dating site in September and everything was very fun and interesting while we talked. We met in person exactly two months later in November and had a great time for a month or so, but the last few weeks have been very disheartening.

We are both quiet, shy, loner types with very passive personalities and no real social life outside of our families. Neither with much experience dating. If it wasn't for us both being on an online dating site we never would have met since we are both homebodies. At first, when we were just talking online everything was great. We talked about books we liked, shared stories of our families, talked about our odd little quirky moments we had, whatever it was it all seemed to feel natural and everything just clicked wonderfully.

After a quiet first meeting at the park, the next few meetings were wonderful. We just came to each others house and played games or watched movies. We really enjoyed being with each other. Just this last month or so has been a problem.

Since we are both very passive types, the kind of people who are usually the quiet person in a relationship just along for the ride, we are having a bit of trouble with neither of us taking the lead. We talked about this today and it's almost like we are both lost with what to do.

She told she wanted someone older than her and that she was more comfortable with the other person taking charge in the relationship. Since I'm the man, I felt I had to do this but I am very uncomfortable with this role. All of my life, at home with my mom, at school, at work, other relationships, wherever, I have been told what to do and when to do it so I have never really developed a free will of my own and don't have a strong personality to lead. I've always been accepting of everyone else's decisions, even in the few prior relationships I've had. I'd just go along with what they said or wanted and I'd grin and bear it even if I didn't want to.

Now my relationship with my girlfriend is suffering because of this. I've been told before that I'm a bit dull and boring, I try to be fun and make people laugh but don't seem to be very good at it. When I'm with her neither of us seem to be able to show our fun sense of humor. It just doesn't come out, we don't seem to be comfortable that way with each other. We mostly just have serious discussions or talk about out problems. Because we are both very passive there doesn't seem to be much of a "spark" between us, not any feelings of excitement or thrills. We have gone out quite a few times but we live in a small town and there isn't much to do in our area so we usually just go to stores and walk around or go out to eat. It's a strange feeling like everything on paper works so perfect for us but that just doesn't translate to real life.

She's an amazing person. Cute, intelligent, gentle, caring, warm, and trustworthy. I have nothing bad to say about her.

We seem to have just ran into a brick wall. We even joked today it's almost like we need a third person with an "alpha" personality to lead us and tell us what we are supposed to be doing.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

It's not as hard as you think, your head is getting in the way. Read MMSLP, it will help explain some alpha traits you can try to work on. Look, you don't have to change the nature of who you are completely, just don't be lazy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Observer said:


> It's not as hard as you think, your head is getting in the way. Read MMSLP, it will help explain some alpha traits you can try to work on. Look, you don't have to change the nature of who you are completely, just don't be lazy.


It would be helpful to us newbies if people wouldn't use acronyms....for example, I have no idea what MMSLP is, and our OP might not either!


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## BMANinTN (Jan 26, 2015)

Yeah, I have no idea what MMSLP is. Can you help me out with that?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life Primer..... its a book, by Athol Kay

From what I've heard, and if I understand correctly.... its about how to be more alpha in your relationships.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

What about volunteering, helping others?

What about going hiking?

Make a list of the stuff you would be open to do, share it with your girlfriend and then just do it.

It is by doing stuff that you create memories. Even with the awkward moments, you will have fun recollecting them later in life.

Forget about the alpha stuff. Just do what you are scared of doing.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Are you saying you don't know how to make the first move in getting her into bed? LOL So sorry if I am way off base, but I don't know what else you could be talking about. How hard can living and just being possibly be for the two of you. Who says you have to do anything other than just go to stores and out to eat? What's wrong with with quietly being in each others' company? If that is what you both like and that is how you both are, then what's wrong with it? Are you saying you each want more out of the relationship? Are you saying you're beginning to find each other boring?

Okay, rather than force it, just do some fun things. Fun things are either things you both enjoy or they are things neither of you know how to do. For example, the first time I played tennis was with my sister. I was TERRIBLE at it.....and never had so much fun in my life. We both found hilarity in my clumsiness nd never laughed so much. Then after me missing so many times, we got on a roll with me returning her serves several times in a row. Then THAT was hilarious that I finally got the hang of it. We had so much fun.

Take up collecting matchbox cars. You'll have something in common and learn to value them once you discover how valuable they are. You can study them together and each have your individual collections. Keep up with the ones each other have and the ones you each need. 

Learn something together. If you aren't very familiar with politics and current events, you will always have something to talk about and something to love or hate together.

Take a class together, like drawing or painting or sewing or writing or.... Hey that one sounds like a great idea. You can decide to write a book together and take the class to learn how.

Find out what matters the most to her. Learn as much as you can about that so you have that to share with each other.

Tell her what matters the most to you for the same reasons.

If making the first move in sex is what you're asking, just take her into the bedroom and remove her clothes. If you tell us you are a virgin, you may receive very different responses.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think your story illustrates why Opposite temperaments attract ... one with the more Alpha personality just seems to have the ability to get a rise out of the more calm personality.. and the calm personality is able to temper down the more Aggressive personality.. Just speaking from my own experience , of course.. 

It does sound outside of your temperaments being too closely knit though, you have common interests, being homebodies, enjoying playing games etc..yet it sounds too early to really tell how compatible you would be long haul...

There are SO MANY things to weigh on that also... (sorry not trying to link you to death, just giving you some things to chew on to figure it all out.. Keep the communication going.. dig deeper with with each other.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

I would be interested in hearing what you & her temperament types are.. have you ever taken a test ?? It's a good way to learn about each other & helping in understanding each other... 

For instance.. taken from this.. The Four Human Temperaments﻿ ...it's common for us to be attracted & have chemistry with our opposites ...



> In general, marriages between two people with the “same personality type” have the greatest potential for clashing, and anyone married to a sanguine or choleric is in for a challenge; this is mainly due to the tendencies of these two personality types to require excessive attention and control, respectively. Thus pretty much all marriages will have fairly significant challenges.
> 
> Most often “opposites do attract” — Sanguine individuals tend to marry Melancholy ones, and Cholerics favor Phlegmatics; though such situations are not always the case, they do appear to be the most common. It should be noted that there is no such thing as “the ideal combination;” we are all fallen human beings with foibles and shortcomings.


There are 2 different kinds of tests .....

* "Sanguine" - "Choleric" - "Melancholy" - "Phlegmatic" Tests * 

Personality Score Sheet  (this one needs printed - a page for the Strength's & a page for the Weaknesses of each -then adding the scoring at the end) 

***** Or here : the same thing -without printing it but figuring online Personality Test 









*********************************** 


And a couple tests here for the *16 Temperment /Personality Types*, getting more specific & deeper into what motivates us , moves us & how we view our world & treat others around us . 

*1.* Jung Typology Test  (relatively short & thorough -gives you a breakdown at the end)

*2. *  The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test  (more serious test)

or 

*3.* ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test (test with some HUMOR at the end ) 











Once you get your results from THIS last test, here are some links to give you a quick description of what you are and all other types. 

Myers Briggs Personality Types | Personality Pathways

 THE KEIRSEY TEMPERAMENT SORTER

The Sixteen Personality Types - High-Level


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I hate to say it, but it's possible you're just not a match. That's what dating is for, to get to know someone and see if you are compatible. It's possible that you and your gf are not.

Another problem is that you spent two months talking online before meeting...that created false intimacy - you thought you knew each other more than you actually did.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am with those who say just try things, but let her know she should tell you if she does not like the results.

Yes, it is down to you as the man to give some leadership here. Most women do not want to wear the trousers. It gets easier to lead the more you do it. I am sure there are a lot of us men who found that challenge daunting when very young. You just have to take some chances.

Good luck.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry man, but this one is squarely on you.
You need to "man up" and get a little better at taking charge and providing direction...

...it's either that or start carrying two ten siders with you.


"Hey look, Honey! 97...We are going to Red Lobster tonight!"


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## BMANinTN (Jan 26, 2015)

Thanks for all the input. 

For the record, she has been reading this thread and we have been discussing all of your ideas with each other. One good thing about us is that our communication is great. She will probably sign up here too and eventually begin posting and adding her input as well.

We have both looked over the personality tests that were posted above and have actually done tests similar to that before (I enjoy them) and score very close to each other. 

On the Jung Typology test I am an ISTJ. I haven't completed the other tests just yet.

She is an INFJ on the Gray-Wheelwright-Winer test.

We both seem to lean more towards Melancholic personalities.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

intheory said:


> What's a "ten sider"?


Two ten sided dice are used to generate a random number between 1 and 100.

Generally random percentages...


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## BMANinTN (Jan 26, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Sorry man, but this one is squarely on you.
> You need to "man up" and get a little better at taking charge and providing direction...
> 
> ...it's either that or start carrying two ten siders with you.
> ...


Where does one acquire these ten siders? Rolling the dice like that actually sounds kind of fun when you think of the spontaneity haha.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

BMANinTN said:


> Where does one acquire these ten siders? Rolling the dice like that actually sounds kind of fun when you think of the spontaneity haha.


Oh Dear... my geek is showing. 

You can usually get these at any gaming store and many times at comic book shops. They are traditionally used to play Dungeons and Dragons but also have applications for probability and statistics and percent chance based outcomes. Get two different collors so one can be tens and the other can be ones...


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

BMANinTN said:


> Thanks for all the input.
> 
> For the record, she has been reading this thread and we have been discussing all of your ideas with each other. One good thing about us is that our communication is great. She will probably sign up here too and eventually begin posting and adding her input as well.
> 
> ...


That category fits me best too I guess, yet I am still able to recognize that and pull myself into other cats as I need to. It's good to understand your tendencies but that does not mean you cannot step outside the box...you can. It's really important you understand men and women, which is why I recommended Married Mens Sex Life Primer. We do have roles we need to try serve and it's not as difficult as it seems.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are either of you passionate about anything? Hobbies? Causes? Politics? Exercise? 

If you have no passion for anything at all, then you're going to have a much more difficult time showing passion about each other. If you do have some kind of passions, try to share them with each other, or find some that both of you can enjoy, whether that be bike riding together or music or cooking.

Try reading His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. That might help you sort out and understand what each of you needs in a relationships, how you show feelings to each other, and how to talk about some important issues that can draw you together or pull you apart.


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## TREnthusiast (Jan 26, 2015)

BMANinTN said:


> Where does one acquire these ten siders? Rolling the dice like that actually sounds kind of fun when you think of the spontaneity haha.


I agree (the inexperienced-loner girlfriend here). That sounds like an idea to play around with...literally.

Thank you all for your advice and opinions. It has helped me view this relationship from an outside perspective and think more creatively. I do appreciate the help, and I know my boyfriend does too.


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## TREnthusiast (Jan 26, 2015)

norajane said:


> Are either of you passionate about anything? Hobbies? Causes? Politics? Exercise?
> 
> If you have no passion for anything at all, then you're going to have a much more difficult time showing passion about each other. If you do have some kind of passions, try to share them with each other, or find some that both of you can enjoy, whether that be bike riding together or music or cooking.
> 
> Try reading His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. That might help you sort out and understand what each of you needs in a relationships, how you show feelings to each other, and how to talk about some important issues that can draw you together or pull you apart.


We do have our passions, albeit somewhat separate ones. Him football, me running, etc. We do need to find more interests that are linked together. For example: gaming. We like to watch or play the games and can enjoy that type of shared activity. To find time to actually sit down and do that together is another matter, but to try is what is important. Sitting down and thinking aloud as to what we like to do, want to do, or have never tried but we are curious about it, is up next.


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## BMANinTN (Jan 26, 2015)

We do have lots of hobbies we both enjoy, those hobbies do tend to be more solitary activities however. As, she mentioned, she enjoys running and while I do want to get into better shape I think running may be a bit much for me right now. We both like to read and watch movies. Books are more of a thing to do when one wants some quiet time by themself. I don't think our taste in movies mesh up all that well, we do like some of the same genres but others are horrible misfires when we watch a movie I pick I think she may like. This weekend the movie we saw together that I picked was a good example of that. We do like to spend time sketching and drawing together. We also like to play video games too. I do think it's important we both have our own hobbies and not try to force each other to do every little thing together if the other doesn't like it. 

Something else I'd like to mention is our sex life. She has a very high sex drive and I dont. It seems that a lot of people on this website and other articles I've read elsewhere believe that sexual chemistry is vital to having a happy, long lasting relationship. I know she is disappointed in that part of me, and trust me, I wish I had a higher libido but I just don't and never really have. I'm trying to fix that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Exercise will often improve sex drive, specifically weight training. It raises T levels, which increases drive.

Find a local gym. Planet Fitness is all over TN (I live in West Tennessee) and a basic membership is $10 a month.

Or you could even work out together.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

BMANinTN said:


> I don't think our taste in movies mesh up all that well, we do like some of the same genres but others are horrible misfires when we watch a movie I pick I think she may like. This weekend the movie we saw together that I picked was a good example of that.


Well, I think this one is simple. You ask her if she wants to go to a movie. If she says yes, you ask which one. If she says X, you got to X. If she says she does not mind you go to one you want to go to.

Yes, sometimes you will go to something one of you likes but the other does not, but that sort of thing happens in all relationships. Within reason, any half-decent relationship should be able to survive that sort of thing.


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