# Trying to be OK with wife watching porn.



## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

So, after a lot of thought and reflection... I think there is really a lot that I need to work on, on my end. But I am trying to figure out how, and hoping I can get some help and opinions about it.

My wife and I have a good sex life I would say. At least 3X a week, and although she wasn't into it for a while it has been getting better and she's really been working on herself to get more into it. I can see progress, and I am really happy that she's making the effort especially most recently. Apart from that, everything else in our relationship is awesome, she's really my best friend and support.

So now on to my problem -- a few months ago, she admitted that she watches porn from time to time. I admitted to her I do the same, and we actually both have been since we were teenagers (married in our mid-20's, together for over 10 years now). On the logical side of things, I have absolutely no problem with her doing it. I think it's hot, I think it's great she has a release, and I don't think negatively about it at all.

But then comes this other side of my brain... not sure where from, and I don't know the feeling exactly. Basically once she told me she watches porn, I added a few tracking things on our internet and I can tell now when she watches and what she watches. It averages from once a month to once a week, depending on her mood and the kids mood (ie. her ability to have alone time while I am at work or away on business). The stuff she watches is really just standard stuff, nothing crazy -- just beautiful people having sex. But anyway, when I know that she has watched porn that day... then that day, and for at least a couple of days after... i get a) extremely horney b) jealous, angry, depressed and obsessive.

So I am trying to figure out why I feel this way. I just start to get kind of obsessed about it all, trying to think of like how she did it, how she picked the video she picked, if it was better than sex with me, how she masturbates and a whole bunch of other useless questions.

I don't want to bring it up to her, because I don't want to stress her out (as she is embarrassed about it and prefers to keep the porn part private, though on some drunken nights we do watch some together). I do believe this is something that I have to get over and deal with and be OK with, because she deserves that... but I just keep getting these feelings.

I could stop tracking the internet activity, but then I will always be curious and wondering and probably have more questions, and I am extremely turned on seeing the stuff she watches... but maybe it's causing more harm than anything? I read a lot of posts, and I see a lot of people just being completely fine and OK with their spouse watching porn and masturbating and there is nothing to it... and while I thought I feel the same way, it seems when I find out it has happened my brain flips on me. I don't want it to be like that.

Thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you'd feel much better about things and have a much more enjoyable sex life with your wife if you could get to the point of being able to talk openly about things like porn and masturbating. Rather than focusing on what exactly she's watching, why not focus on opening sexual communication in general?

And I wouldn't admit to tracking her internet activities, plus I'd recommend you stop doing that before you get caught. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almost every guy your age - heck, almost every PERSON your age - has been conditioned from pre-puberty to think of porn as DIRTY. Someone's mother catches them with a Playboy mag and what happens? No calm talk about sexuality, but a freak out shaming hysterical tantrum. So boys learn to hide the fact they use porn, and women learn to do the same if they do, or to think of guys who watch porn as deviants.

My bet is that your negative feelings about this are a result of your experiences surrounding porn as you grew up. The excitement you feel is your 'typical male' reaction to it, if I may use that term 

Getting over sexual hang-ups that result from parental input growing up takes a LONG time. I was in my early forties before I even addressed many of mine. And when I did it was with my husband.

Hopefully you and she can talk about this and over the next few years work on it together so that you're both more comfortable with the idea.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

@Hope1964 Definitely what you say rings true, I grew up with porn being absolutely horrid and unacceptable and never even really talked about or mentioned. For my wife, her up bringing was more casual about the topic and I think that's why she's not reacting in the way that I do.

I guess what I'm not sure about, is how I can bring this into conversation without her stressing over it or feeling bad about it. She already said she feels bad/dirty for doing it, but of course she still enjoys it so I don't want to ruin that for her because of my feelings. And I don't want her to feel negatively towards it either...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

One other thing that I always emphasize about porn is that there is a huge difference between 'looking at porn' and doing any of the other sleazy things that internet porn always links to, like one on one sex chats, live cams, and hook up sites. Are either of you indulging in those types of things?

Because of our history, internet porn is off limits for my husband, even just looking, whereas DVD's and mags are ok.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> One other thing that I always emphasize about porn is that there is a huge difference between 'looking at porn' and doing any of the other sleazy things that internet porn always links to, like one on one sex chats, live cams, and hook up sites. Are either of you indulging in those types of things?
> 
> Because of our history, internet porn is off limits for my husband, even just looking, whereas DVD's and mags are ok.


From what I can tell, there is nothing else like that going on and I do not engage in that on my end at all either. To go further, even the porn being looked at I think isn't anything out of the usual realm either... so I am very comfortable about both of those things, and that's why I always felt it was OK and a healthy outlet but yea for some reason my brain likes to oppose that from time to time anyway. 

One other thing... recently I hopped on her laptop for a second to check some stuff, she was right there, and I could tell she was uneasy about it... and I quickly noticed her history has been completely cleared. So I joked about it, and she half admitted why it was cleared but she became extremely defensive and mad about it. It all escalated into a bigger fight, when it really didn't need to.

But one important thing that happened during that... is she kept on saying she hasn't done it "for months"... and I kept on saying, I don't care if she had done it more... it's totally fine, like has she REALLY not done it more I really don't care she doesn't have to hide it. But she kept on saying she hasn't, while obviously I knew she had.. in fact just a week ago. And I didn't care that she had, but then seeing that she is lying about it for no reason suddenly made me feel quite hurt. I couldn't bring up the fact that she is lying, nor would it be fair to because I have no right to have that sort of insight to begin with... but anyway it's just another recent thing that happened that I was hurt by. I would feel better if she was more open about it and not feeling she has to hide... but she says it's something that's private, and I can respect that as well but do feel hurt.

Overall I still stand firm that this is more of MY issue than hers, and I agree I think just more open and relaxed conversation about it all would ease the tension that my brain creates around it all... so I will work on that, just need a comfortable way to approach it without her getting defensive, angry, self conscious, feeling guilty, etc. etc.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you're both hard at work lying to each other, when you could be enjoying a healthy sex life... Bummer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You have a great sex life which is more than I can say for most people on this board. Don't worry about what porn your wife watches. If all of the wives were obsessed with what porn their husbands are watching then they would never get anything done. Be happy she isn't cheating.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Two threads. Same topic. In this one from a few days back :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/197434-wife-watches-porn-but-not-into-sex.html#post9039138

So the issue was that she watched porn but was not into sex.

Porn aside you should be focusing on improving your sex life together. Indeed I say this no matter what the gender is to be clear. Star showering together, give her massages, and in general date her.

When porn reaches some % of someone "sex life" it can become a problem. YMMV.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why can't the two of you incorporate porn into your lovemaking sessions? I don't understand why you're so mixed up about it if you both are into it.

Once my ex and I rented a porno and we played this game where we followed along with what the couple on the movie were doing, same acts, same positions....we had a lot of fun trying to keep up. 

Whew! Porn actors are athletes!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think my SO would prop the iPad against my head sometimes when I'm going down on her, if she thought she could get away with it... Watching group sex gets her worked up, and I get the benefits! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you're both hard at work lying to each other, when you could be enjoying a healthy sex life... Bummer.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea true... it's a real shame, but I know we can get out of this. The whole porn thing is very new, in the sense that we only recently have we shared with each other the fact that we watch it... so it's a bit of an adjustment I think to both of us, seems like more of an adjustment to me though she's just seems more unwilling to bring it to light (ie. integrate more with our sex life, be less ashamed/secret about it, etc.). 

But you are very right, I need to stop trying to snoop around and she maybe needs to be more open about it and we can find a middle ground we are both comfortable with rather than trying all this other nonsense.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Why can't the two of you incorporate porn into your lovemaking sessions? I don't understand why you're so mixed up about it if you both are into it.
> 
> Once my ex and I rented a porno and we played this game where we followed along with what the couple on the movie were doing, same acts, same positions....we had a lot of fun trying to keep up.
> 
> Whew! Porn actors are athletes!


You're right, I would absolutely love that. I have suggested that to her, but she just seems to be against it because for some reason she's just embarrassed about it. I will keep trying though, without being overly annoying about it... I think she will warm up to the idea. Like I said, if she's had a few drinks she definitely opens up to it a little more so maybe just a matter of time for her to get comfortable with it and try to actually enjoy the experience.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Two threads. Same topic. In this one from a few days back :
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/197434-wife-watches-porn-but-not-into-sex.html#post9039138
> 
> ...


The topic has changed a little bit. I think before we were dealing with some bigger issues, which after having a few talks and a few fights we have settled more. She has really made big strides on her end, so I feel the need to look at myself and do the same and try to improve myself too. 

I don't expect or want the porn to go away, I think it's fun and exciting and a good release. The frequency I think isn't anything outrageous, like I said maybe once a month sometimes 2-3 times a month but that's as much as it gets to, vs. us having sex 3 times a week or more. 

There was a couple of instances where she had watched porn earlier in the day, and then turned me down for sex... but I understand that a bit more now and have gotten over it.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I think its great that you two are open about your habits and aspects of your personality. Its really healthy and I admire you both for it. 

What do you think she thinks about you spanking your monkey to porn, however often, watching whatever you watch? 

If its okay for you its okay for her. 

Dont be [email protected] about it and create a problem where there isnt one!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's a book called His Needs Her Needs that's designed for couples to work on together, and one section is all about sex. Maybe working on this with her would open the door for both of you to open up to each other about this?

Talking about sex is a huge stumbling block for my husband and I and actually what we're working on in MC right now.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Almost every guy your age - heck, almost every PERSON your age - has been conditioned from pre-puberty to think of porn as DIRTY. Someone's mother catches them with a Playboy mag and what happens? No calm talk about sexuality, but a freak out shaming hysterical tantrum. So boys learn to hide the fact they use porn, and women learn to do the same if they do, or to think of guys who watch porn as deviants.
> 
> My bet is that your negative feelings about this are a result of your experiences surrounding porn as you grew up. The excitement you feel is your 'typical male' reaction to it, if I may use that term
> 
> ...


It's unfortunate that so many of us are raised with this shame. My ex used to claim she didn't like porn. On occasion when I got her to watch it with me and reached over to touch her she would be soaking wet. Apparently even though she didn't like it it turned her on like you wouldn't believe. 

Life would be so much easier if we could be open with our spouse about what turns us on and what doesn't without worrying that 'society' will judge us for our preferences.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

soulseer said:


> I think its great that you two are open about your habits and aspects of your personality. Its really healthy and I admire you both for it.
> 
> What do you think she thinks about you spanking your monkey to porn, however often, watching whatever you watch?
> 
> ...


You're exactly right and that's what I'm trying to figure out... because I agree fully, I'm over reacting especially because when I think about it I am 100% OK with it but then when I realize it has happened something turns inside of me and I get all these mixed feelings.

So that's what I want, to figure out how I can just fine with it and not care. I think like others have mentioned, just trying to make it a more casual subject rather than a friction point if it ever comes up. She seems to hate it when the topic comes up even in the most casual way.

As far as what she thinks about me, as far as I can tell, she absolutely doesn't care what I do, how often, or what I watch. And I know she expects the same from me, I just need to work on getting there...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

James2020 said:


> As far as what she thinks about me, as far as I can tell, she absolutely doesn't care what I do, how often, or what I watch.


Do you KNOW this, or are you assuming?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

You have to analyse your emotions surrounding your girlfriend and porn. 

Then you resolve them ..or you have to give up porn and then convince her to do the same .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes my wife and I watch porn together. It makes for some great sex afterwards. I look for stuff I know turns her on. I know what turns her on because we talk about it. During or after sex, most after. It took a while to develop the non-judgemental trust but we got there. I started with myself, opening myself up to her on what turns me on. So yeah, open up the lines of communication first.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

James2020 said:


> You're exactly right and that's what I'm trying to figure out... because I agree fully, I'm over reacting especially because when I think about it I am 100% OK with it but then when I realize it has happened something turns inside of me and I get all these mixed feelings.
> 
> So that's what I want, to figure out how I can just fine with it and not care. I think like others have mentioned, just trying to make it a more casual subject rather than a friction point if it ever comes up. She seems to hate it when the topic comes up even in the most casual way.
> 
> As far as what she thinks about me, as far as I can tell, she absolutely doesn't care what I do, how often, or what I watch. And I know she expects the same from me, I just need to work on getting there...


Does some part of you think she wishes she were having sex with the people in the video? What part of her watching bothers you. Maybe you need to get to bottom of this before you even talk to her. A little jealousy can actually help in the bedroom. Too much jealousy is obviously not a good thing. It can sometimes be based in fear. What is it you are afraid of?

We're strangers, we don't judge you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Snooping would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry but that is just really bad form especially when you watch porn yourself. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and you cannot be trusted.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

James2020 said:


> But anyway, when I know that she has watched porn that day... then that day, and for at least a couple of days after... i get a) extremely horney b) jealous, angry, depressed and obsessive.
> want it to be like that.
> 
> Thoughts?


That certainly IS your brain doing odd things!

How about making yourself a bigger part of the process. Buy her some sex toys to use during her masturbation session...that way you are at least peripherally involved.

Maybe you set up a porn session where she watches the screen, while you massage and lick her?

Maybe watch some porn together from time to time. Maybe do cam-to-cam with other couples on a sex site. 

My opinion? As long as the porn does not displace me...so long as it makes her hornier for real sex with me...it is all good. It sounds like it is not displacing your getting some, so i would figure out a way to cope with it all...maybe even learn to like it.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

While we all view things through our own history, here is my opinion:

In your other thread you talked about her rejecting you after looking at porn. You state in this thread that you have talked and that it is all taken care of. However, I don't think it is that easy. It takes time for things to pass and for us to move on. If you knew she looked at porn/masturbated and then rejected you, it is going to feel like she choose something over you. Whether right or wrong in that thought, it is how you felt.

Have you brought up her rejection of you after looking at porn? If you have not dealt with that specific topic, you will continue to feel this way.

Personally, if my wife was looking at porn, I would be extremely hurt, because of our history.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

It seems to me that trying to police your wife's porn use is like trying to police her thoughts. Would you want to do that too? Our partners fantasize about other people sometimes. If you're not able to deal with that... are you ready to be married?

I wouldn't consider, under any circumstances, installing tracking software on my spouse's computer. I'm her husband, not Big Brother. It seems to me that if you don't trust your spouse then your marriage is already over.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

could it be that she uses porn to get her juices flowing?

The theory would go like this:

She is low drive and has problems dealing with sex and getting aroused. So, in an effort to jump start her libido, she watches porn.
But, watching porn does not necessarily get her to that place. She watches it out of curiosity and to get her libido going. But sometimes it doesn't, so she rejects. When i watch porn, it doesn't usually do anything for me. I haven't watched much in my life though, I'll admit. but what i have watched is more funny than sexy. it's entertainment. So maybe, she watches out of boredom and to see if she can get thing inside her going.

BTW, it may well be that it's working, since now you have sex 3 times a week.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

MarriedManInHis40s said:


> It seems to me that trying to police your wife's porn use is like trying to police her thoughts. Would you want to do that too? Our partners fantasize about other people sometimes. If you're not able to deal with that... are you ready to be married?
> 
> I wouldn't consider, under any circumstances, installing tracking software on my spouse's computer. I'm her husband, not Big Brother. It seems to me that if you don't trust your spouse then your marriage is already over.


Well the big thing here is, I am not tracking the usage because I don't trust her and think she's doing something weird or suspicious. I am actually extremely curious and aroused by what she's watching and when etc. so that's the real motivation.

The whole thing about trust kind of came up by accident when she denied having watched it, I never questioned her to begin with nor did I care about it... and even after that, I still trust her in general but I guess it was a bit of a surprise that she lied about that for no reason.

I agree the whole tracking thing is not good, I will need to stop. Honestly I'm a bit hooked on seeing what she's watching, I know she won't share that with me any time soon because she just doesn't feel comfortable about it etc. It feels like at least this way, I am somewhat involved... but definitely the more I think about it the more I know it's not a good thing to do. The real resolution would be for me and her to both willingly share the experience with each other -- but at the moment, she's not interested in that at all. I will need to keep trying.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> My opinion? As long as the porn does not displace me...so long as it makes her hornier for real sex with me...it is all good. It sounds like it is not displacing your getting some, so i would figure out a way to cope with it all...maybe even learn to like it.


I think that's kind of where I feel nervous/stressed sometimes about it all. With porn, I know she gets the orgasm she wants and I am happy about that, no objections. With sex, I know she doesn't get that same result -- and what's worse, for the moment she's very unwilling for me to do anything on my end to try and give her that experience (oral, toys, watch porn together, etc.) so I feel like she has given up on trying to make sex enjoyable and just does it for my benefit, but then gets her fix off of porn.

As I keep reading and going through my thoughts, that is likely the core thing about this whole situation that hurts me. After recent talks etc. she said it's something she will work on, so perhaps I am being impatient with the progress.

In the meantime, I just want to somehow get my brain straight so I can be OK with the fact that she gets that orgasm/release without my involvement. It sucks, but until she opens up to allow me to try anything with her or be involved in any way I don't know what else to do. Will keep working on trying to make it more of a conversation without it turning into a fight. For some reason she just always gets overly defensive and mad about the topic if I bring it up.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't see the problem here. She was honest with you about her watching porn and when you question her about it it makes her feel like she's doing something wrong. 

She's not cheating on you and you also said you watch porn too but the difference is she doesn't check the computer to see when your doing your viewing. 

What your doing is shaming her and honestly it's not fair. You have a good sex life with her and if you keep this up, your going to ruin it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you ever gotten an orgasm/release without her involvement?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

But they don't have a good sex life. They have a frequent sex life in which she does not allow him to bring her to orgasm. Then she watches porn and gets herself off.

Would that be ok with anyone here?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> But they don't have a good sex life. They have a frequent sex life in which she does not allow him to bring her to orgasm. Then she watches porn and gets herself off.
> 
> Would that be ok with anyone here?


Bingo -- thank you, that is my point.

Thoughts?

To respond to the other two posts:

1. I never shame her. I never ever make her feel bad about it, I never bring it up even when I know she had done it. I think it's good she does it, and it's a healthy release.

2. The other note, about have I ever gotten an orgasm, yes I have of course and I am OK that she does too, but I also get amazing orgasms when I have sex with her and she does not with me. I wonder how she would feel if we had sex and I never had an orgasm. How would you feel? And I know it's obviously on me too that she isn't getting it, but she's not allowing me to do anything to try and resolve that... just "get it over with" and move on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Orgasms with men are physical. Women have a much more mental side to their orgasms. Maybe during sex you can make it less about the physical and more about the mental. Narrate a fantasy about yourselves to her during sex. Lots of mental foreplay. At least this is how my wife is.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I know she doesn't feel it in her gut yet but does she know intellectually at least is OK for married couples to openly discuss sex? That could be a starting point. 

My thoughts are she is sexual but inhibited. For some reason she is uncomfortable with anyone knowing she actually enjoys sex so does it in private. I think the solution has to be to get her to open up and relax but I realize that is easier said then done. I believe it needs to be done gently and slowly so as not to put her on the defensive.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I know she doesn't feel it in her gut yet but does she know intellectually at least is OK for married couples to openly discuss sex? That could be a starting point.
> 
> My thoughts are she is sexual but inhibited. For some reason she is uncomfortable with anyone knowing she actually enjoys sex so does it in private. I think the solution has to be to get her to open up and relax but I realize that is easier said then done. I believe it needs to be done gently and slowly so as not to put her on the defensive.


:iagree: It took years of patient talking before my wife really started to unleash her inner vixen. They can't give up a lifetime of shame in just a few days.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Yea, I agree as well. When we had a few good talks, she said she feels weird enjoying sex and getting orgasms like she's embarrassed and self conscious. So you definitely hit the spot there, and that is something that will need to keep being worked on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Do your best to reassure how hot you find it when she is enjoying sex. How much it turns you on when she is turned on. Like I tell my wife, I enjoy her orgasms as much as I do my own.

Also, my wife can't orgasm without the right clitoral stimulation. I know I can't do it right.  So she does that part while I do the rest. Maybe your wife needs to stimulate herself too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It appears that your wife is unable to be vulnerable enough with you to have an orgasm in front of you. I used to be like this because of my csa; she needs to talk to someone about this because it's preventing you guys from having real intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

sandc said:


> Also, my wife can't orgasm without the right clitoral stimulation. I know I can't do it right.  So she does that part while I do the rest. Maybe your wife needs to stimulate herself too.


I'm sure that is the case with her as well, but again goes back to the problem of her being unwilling to help me make that happen. She got a small vibrator as a present from a friend but has not wanted to ever use it, she doesn't even use it on her own.

It all boils down to communication and trying to make that something we can be more comfortable with.

I definitely tell her how much I love it when she enjoys sex and everything you said basically... but to no effect.

Can't do anything but keep trying. No words to describe how much I love her and how dedicated I am to her, so in the grand scheme of things this isn't a deal breaker of any sort... but definitely I know it would take our relationship to the next level.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

It seems as if the both of you have a good sex life and there really isnt any complaints on your part ?? 

To keep your life simple ..... and hers ......... why not just respect her privacy and allow her to enjoy her " me " time  ???

If her drive were to reduced due to her taking care of herself and then affecting her intimacy with you then that's a concern but until that happens I'd say just leave it alone ?!


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

omgitselaine said:


> It seems as if the both of you have a good sex life and there really isnt any complaints on your part ??
> 
> To keep your life simple ..... and hers ......... why not just respect her privacy and allow her to enjoy her " me " time  ???
> 
> If her drive were to reduced due to her taking care of herself and then affecting her intimacy with you then that's a concern but until that happens I'd say just leave it alone ?!


I don't think that's accurate, another poster said it best:



> But they don't have a good sex life. They have a frequent sex life in which she does not allow him to bring her to orgasm. Then she watches porn and gets herself off.
> 
> Would that be ok with anyone here?


There are complaints on my part -- currently our sex feels very one-sided, I get off and she just participates to get me there but does not enjoy the process or allow me to do anything for her to enjoy the process.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Lila said:


> James2020,
> 
> Does your wife enjoy the sex with you even if she doesn't orgasm? In other words, is she having intentional sex or is she reluctantly participating in"duty sex"?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Well the sex is scheduled 3X a week, she says this makes it less stressful for her. But she's never excited about it when the day comes around.... always waiting until the last moment and then quick to get it over with.

I'm ALWAYS excited about it, I try and make it into date nights and get nice wine and give her elaborate massages and anything I can to make it a fun relaxing time... but at the end of it, it always just feels very meaningless and she just goes to sleep and whether we had done it or not, I know she wouldn't have cared.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I would like to make a few points...


One - stop tracking her usage *RIGHT NOW*!!! And unless you want a big fight you should never tell her what she did.

Two - tell her that it turns you on thinking of her watching porn. Tell her you would love to watch the same things she has watched. Tell her that you wish you could be "the fly on the wall" when she is doing that. (But* DON'T* tell her about #1 ! )

Three - continue to work on opening the lines of communication.

Four - start claiming "date night" as your night. She is giving it to you, so claim it. Insist that she wear clothes that excite you. Insist that she say certain things. Start insisting that you do it more than once on those nights. Make it all about you. I think she will respond in kind, and I think she will want to get more out of it for her.

Five - I hope you like to read... You should read "Passionate Marriage" by David Snarch. It is a long book - it is all about how the person with the lower sex drive CONTROLS the sex life, and what the higher drive person can do to reclaim that. It is also about not settling for bad sex. I think the book is worth the time. Just having that book sitting around with that title on the front will change things...


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> I would like to make a few points...
> 
> 
> One - stop tracking her usage *RIGHT NOW*!!! And unless you want a big fight you should never tell her what she did.
> ...


You are absolutely right. I will follow your direction.

For #4 though, I think that will be tough. I have tried to go more than once, doesn't happen as it's hard enough to go at it once without being rushed too much. But I will try and work out some ways. That fourth point is definitely the hardest for me to anticipate having success with, but I will try.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

And to be honest I am now realizing I am addicted/obsessed with seeing what porn she watched. Again this is nothing about policing her or shaming her, it's just the fact that seeing what she watched is such a massive turn on....

But I will stop. Just the fact that I can feel it's a sort of addiction, is a clear indication is has to stop.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was also going to recommend the book Passionate Marriage. It can be a hard read, and it opens with a couple that have kind of the opposite problem from you (Guy feels like he absolutely MUST get his wife to O every single time or he feels as if he hasn't done his duty) but I think it would be valuable for you guys.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You could always try asking her to describe the porn she's been watching as you make love


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> You could always try asking her to describe the porn she's been watching as you make love


I've tried similar things, for the moment she's very unwilling to discuss/reveal any of her porn watching at all. Not what she's watching, when, why, nothing like that. We talked about stuff in the past (always after a few drinks) and it was fun, but it's not something she seems to be comfortable with on an ongoing basis.

To me, it seems her feeling is that now that she has told me about this porn... we can forget about the topic forever and never discuss or do anything about it, and just go back to how things were.

But for me, this EXCITING. It's this whole new chapter, this big thing that we have both been ignoring all of these years... and now we have this awesome opportunity to have fun with it and excite each other. She just doesn't seem to feel that way, and wants to pretend it doesn't exist.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

One thing that I am happy about, is her agreeing to the 3X a week schedule... I think despite it mostly being "duty" sex, it has in fact been helpful for us... because for me it still is a release, and for her it's an opportunity to slowly get used to it all and hopefully in time start to enjoy it. It also gives me the opportunity to always try and maybe win her over. 3X a week I get to try and make a plan to try something different, and see if she will go for it and if it will work.

The only problem is, so far, 3X a week I am failing... so maybe over time, that is going to hurt more and more. For the time being, it's still feeling like a realistic challenge.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your positive attitude is what's going to win the day.

How does your wife feel about drinking 3x a week?


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Your positive attitude is what's going to win the day.
> 
> How does your wife feel about drinking 3x a week?


Hahah no objections at all -- but we've had to tone it down as we were getting scared it will be out of control. So now just a glass of wine maybe two a couple times a week, and we push it a little more on the weekends :smthumbup:

I think I can quote her saying "I wish I always felt the way I do when I am drunk". It has certainly helped us tackle a lot of difficult conversations, as long as we don't drink TOO much as then they start to become irrational.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Schedule a date night. Rent a simple heterosexual porn movie. Make her a nice candlelight dinner. 

Tell her you rented a movie and sit back with her on the couch. When the porn credits come up, restrain her and say " Nope. you're not going anywhere. Lay back and relax."

As the movie plays, kiss her fondle her, fondle each other....see where it goes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You and her need to talk and figure out why she does not feel safe to discuss sex with you. What are you not doing to make her feel like she can open up to you? That is what you need to find out. 

The two of you might need to go to a specialized sex therapist or marriage coach to get this sorted out.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> You and her need to talk and figure out why she does not feel safe to discuss sex with you. What are you not doing to make her feel like she can open up to you? That is what you need to find out.
> 
> The two of you might need to go to a specialized sex therapist or marriage coach to get this sorted out.


Yea that's definitely the big item here... so will try and approach the conversation as casually as possible and see where it goes. Very sensitive subject... so the approach needs to be insanely delicate as she will immediately get on the defensive.

For the moment I would still prefer to avoid any kind of third party therapy but if we continue not to make progress, then will definitely have to go that route.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

I have the same recommendation here as I did to your previous thread (see below) and I will add that she might want to come to this forum and read through some threads that interest her. 

I recommend 2 authors of many books:

John Gottman (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work)

Marty Klein (Sexual Intelligence)

I suggest buying 2 copies of each book. Work through the books (by yourself but hopefully together). Take the initiative to bring about positive change (in yourself and your relationship). Remember we can only change ourselves not others. 

BTW, I don't think porn is the problem here. The real problem is something else. The real problem(s) might be resolved by reading books (cheap approach), counseling, or perhaps not at all.

The "happy ending" for you is a healthy marriage and not simply room-mates. I suspect both of you will have to grow (change) in order for this to work out.

Best Wishes!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Haul out the video camera and tell her you're gonna make her a star.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

James2020 said:


> Bingo -- thank you, that is my point.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> ...


I'm glad you finally honed in on that. You have every right to be upset about that. where you're wrong is what I bolded. from what you write about your situation, it is obviously on her.........


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