# Love language



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Do you and your partner have the same love language? 
If not, do you struggle feeling loved/happy in your relationship or is it a continuous struggle?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We don’t have the same but the important part is that we recognize that and work towards each other’s language. I however have found in time since we became aware of this that my wife has become much more of a physical touch person like myself.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Do you and your partner have the same love language?
> If not, do you struggle feeling loved/happy in your relationship or is it a continuous struggle?


No. 

But the differences aren't big enough to cause continuous struggle. 

Aiming for ''happiness'', IMO, isn't an achievable or realistic goal. I strive for general contentedness, and I'm generally there.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm acts of service, followed by words of affirmation. She's physical touch, followed by quality time.

Causes a TON of problems. She has no issues doing my love languages, but I have the inability to do hers. Granted, I barely even use mine on her so... 

I'm jealous of people who have the same love languages, or at least one in common.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I think it's really hard for men and women to speak the same love language, but there's so much potential for personal growth if spouses can work through and past their differences. 

My wife wants me to get what she's feeling and saying without much explicit communication. That's really important to her and I think most women can do that. Like most guys, I need the communication to be clear, simple and direct. We each come up against ourselves around this at times. But we always work through it and over time it's gotten much easier. A lot of the time we laugh about it now when an obvious difference arises. We spend much less time resisting what is. It helps that we both get that our wishes are not "the right way" to communicate but simply our "if pigs could fly" preferences.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> I'm acts of service, followed by words of affirmation. She's physical touch, followed by quality time.
> 
> Causes a TON of problems. She has no issues doing my love languages, but I have the inability to do hers. Granted, I barely even use mine on her so...
> 
> I'm jealous of people who have the same love languages, or at least one in common.


I am physical touch and quality time as well and my boyfriend and I struggle with it as well. It’s really really hard.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I am physical touch and quality time as well and my boyfriend and I struggle with it as well. It’s really really hard.


Are you two willing to learn to speak each other's love languages? It's not easy, just like learning any other language isn't easy, but it's totally possible... or so I'm told. If one or both of you are not willing to work on it, then that's a problem.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> I'm acts of service, followed by words of affirmation. She's physical touch, followed by quality time.
> 
> Causes a TON of problems. She has no issues doing my love languages, but I have the inability to do hers. Granted, I barely even use mine on her so...
> 
> I'm jealous of people who have the same love languages, or at least one in common.


I’m curious what you think of this interpretation of people’s love languages.










The definitive ranking of “love languages” — and what yours says about you


There’s the right one, the worst one, and the three in between.




medium.com


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> Are you two willing to learn to speak each other's love languages? It's not easy, just like learning any other language isn't easy, but it's totally possible... or so I'm told. If one or both of you are not willing to work on it, then that's a problem.
> 
> View attachment 69885


So the problem is.... I’m “not happy” and I need more and from his point of view nothing he does is ever good enough. 

He just loves to spend time by himself. My sex drive is way higher, and I want to do more things with him and hobbies. In his perfect world we would make a nice dinner together, I would clean up, and he would be left alone to do whatever else he wants.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is this the same boyfriend you broke up with over the trip or a new one?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> So the problem is.... I’m “not happy” and I need more and from his point of view nothing he does is ever good enough.
> 
> He just loves to spend time by himself. My sex drive is way higher, and I want to do more things with him and hobbies. In his perfect world we would make a nice dinner together, I would clean up, and he would be left alone to do whatever else he wants.


Honestly, this could have been written by me (or really, my wife). It was one of the bigger issues we dealt with in MC. _Some _parts did improve but it took a long time (months) and it never became "great".

I love and need time alone. That's how I recharge. She wants to tag along for my hobbies or do things together, and I don't want her to and hate when she brings it up. She wants to be touching all the time, and I can't stand that. She has the way higher sex drive and would gladly have sex every day, and I'm nowhere near that. From my point of view, she's extremely clingy, always wanted more and I felt like nothing was ever good enough for her. From her point of view, she felt like she wasn't even getting the bare minimum (because she's not, I can admit that). 

While working with the MC we needed to find a middle ground that we could both be happy with. I had to learn to accept (put up with) certain things and she had to learn to accept (be happy with) what she was getting. So I had to give a little more and she had to let go a bit, if that makes sense.

Before, anytime I'd walk into the same room as her she'd jump up and want to hug me for what felt like an eternity. She learned to knock that off sometimes and I learned to count to 60 in my head. I'm always the one to pull away. Usually she holds tighter and says "I'm not done". If we don't cuddle one night, she's a bit grumpy and distant the next day and it sort of spirals because then she needs more or "her fill" as she calls it. 

In my world, I do like touching her and spending time with her... while we're in bed sleeping. That's when I get my "fill". For her, it doesn't count at all because we're sleeping. For me, it totally counts. So the compromise there was that I'd go to bed earlier and we'd spend 2 hours in bed together before falling asleep. But it didn't last because I, quite frankly, wasn't all that interested or motivated to make it work (plus she always fell asleep). So I compromised again and said one day a week I'd go to bed early with her, but I don't think that happened once. Another compromise was that after dinner, we'd watch 1-2 short shows (so 30-60 minutes total) and I'd let her cuddle up to me. I did better at sticking to that one but it still wasn't a daily thing. 

For me, I did like and appreciate when she would quietly sit with me while I was doing my own thing. I didn't want her to talk or touch me... but I liked her presence. I'm not sure if your BF is the same. I'm assuming your BF's love languages are the same as mine. If he likes acts of service, then that should go both ways. You shouldn't be the only one doing "acts of service". He should naturally express and receive them. If not, then he's just selfish and I get to say that because I'm a selfish guy. 

The point is, these things can improve but both people have to want it to and it takes work. If he doesn't really want it to be better, and if you can't compromise, then maybe you're not in the right relationship.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We are not super similar in what works for us (touch vs quality time). We are exactly similar in what does nothing (gifts). YMMV.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I’m curious what you think of this interpretation of people’s love languages.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think the article is incredibly biased and I don't think some love languages are "better" than others.

I do agree that "Physical Touch" is the "easiest" one to do BUT that's if you like physical touch. Not everyone does, so it's not easy or maybe not enjoyable for them. 

For "Words of Affirmation", for me what she wrote is about 50% accurate. I don't feel like I have to "earn" love, I'm not a giver, and I don't make covert contracts. That being said, my "Acts of Service" love language is selfishly one-sided. So there really is no room for me to be making covert contracts or being a giver. But my attachment style is avoidant, so there's that. The other two points, being extrinsically motivated (rather than intrinsically) and having issues with self-love, are more accurate for me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> Honestly, this could have been written by me (or really, my wife). It was one of the bigger issues we dealt with in MC. _Some _parts did improve but it took a long time (months) and it never became "great".
> 
> I love and need time alone. That's how I recharge. She wants to tag along for my hobbies or do things together, and I don't want her to and hate when she brings it up. She wants to be touching all the time, and I can't stand that. She has the way higher sex drive and would gladly have sex every day, and I'm nowhere near that. From my point of view, she's extremely clingy, always wanted more and I felt like nothing was ever good enough for her. From her point of view, she felt like she wasn't even getting the bare minimum (because she's not, I can admit that).
> 
> ...


So my boyfriend is affectionate, and he always gives me hugs and kisses. So he is not bad with physical touch. 

Right now I’m doing insane amount of hours at work, and he totally picks up my slack Around the house. He cooks and cleans the kitchen, makes the bed etc. 

My problem is, how he spends his alone time drives me crazy. And I know that’s not fair. I work in health care, my job is stressful emotionally, mentally and physically. After 8hrs of work I usually average around 7,000-8,000 steps. Not including pushing stretchers, and moving and lifting obese people. He works on a computer all day, and gets about 1,000 steps if he’s lucky. 
So after work, what relaxes me is to go for a nice walk. I love being outside, I’m cooped up inside all day, I think it’s a good time to relax together, and being outside is therapy for my mental health. I like to take a bubble bath, drink some relaxing tea, read etc. He sometimes walks with me. 
But his free time is spent on the computer, which blows my mind. He likes to play video games, watch tv. And when he crawls into bed with me he says he has to watch stupid memes and dumb stuff on his phone to unwind. So the amount of screen time that he gets in insane to me. 

I know I’m passing judgement but I don’t think his lifestyle is healthy and it annoys me. He works out and he runs, but when he runs he goes like 1.5-3miles and he runs fast. When I run I relax, run slow, enjoy the outdoors and I run long and slow. He hates that, he likes to just get it done. So we have a lot of common interests but we do them differently so we can’t do them together. It’s really weird to me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> I think the article is incredibly biased and I don't think some love languages are "better" than others.
> 
> I do agree that "Physical Touch" is the "easiest" one to do BUT that's if you like physical touch. Not everyone does, so it's not easy or maybe not enjoyable for them.
> 
> For "Words of Affirmation", for me what she wrote is about 50% accurate. I don't feel like I have to "earn" love, I'm not a giver, and I don't make covert contracts. That being said, my "Acts of Service" love language is selfishly one-sided. So there really is no room for me to be making covert contracts or being a giver. But my attachment style is avoidant, so there's that. The other two points, being extrinsically motivated (rather than intrinsically) and having issues with self-love, are more accurate for me.


The problem I get into with words of affirmation being his love language is that I can’t say anything negative. He just can not ha for any negativity or criticism and he jumps to “you make me feel like the worst guy in the world”, or “you just spend 20mins telling me how bad of a person I am.” 
And of course I just think I’m telling him how I feel, and what I need more of him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> Are you two willing to learn to speak each other's love languages? It's not easy, just like learning any other language isn't easy, but it's totally possible... or so I'm told. If one or both of you are not willing to work on it, then that's a problem.
> 
> View attachment 69885


I think I could actually use this lol


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> The problem I get into with words of affirmation being his love language is that I can’t say anything negative. He just can not ha for any negativity or criticism and he jumps to “you make me feel like the worst guy in the world”, or “you just spend 20mins telling me how bad of a person I am.”
> And of course I just think I’m telling him how I feel, and what I need more of him.


So, for this one, do you use "I" statements when sharing concerns? Using the "I feel *__* when you *___* because *___*." template. 

With that, you are taking responsibility for your own feelings rather than blaming them on him (even if it's not your intention) or making him feel attacked. 

I find it A LOT easier to take criticism that way because it makes it more about my wife than me being a failure or whatever.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> So my boyfriend is affectionate, and he always gives me hugs and kisses. So he is not bad with physical touch.
> 
> Right now I’m doing insane amount of hours at work, and he totally picks up my slack Around the house. He cooks and cleans the kitchen, makes the bed etc.
> 
> ...


Good that he does far better in the physical touch area. 

I'm the exact same as your BF in how I spend my free time staring at a screen, needing TV at night to unwind, etc. My wife is the same as you, especially when she was working (nursing). 

IMO, you both have to compromise for the relationship to work. Him with spending more time with you, and you with understanding that's how he relaxes even if it wouldn't work for you. And understanding that he is his own person not an extension of you.. And some people just can't make that work no matter how hard they try because they cannot stand being with someone who lives an unhealthy lifestyle (in their opinion). 

Can you do something like, after dinner you go for a 1 hour walk together, then he gets 1 hour of gaming time, then you go to bed together? Or whatever works with your schedule, just something so that you are both getting what you need. 

For running, can you alternate speeds? A lot of people do that anyway (go full speed for x amount of minutes, then slow down for x amount of minutes). It could be a compromise that you are both making at the same time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Do you and your partner have the same love language?
> If not, do you struggle feeling loved/happy in your relationship or is it a continuous struggle?


My wife's love language is mostly acts of service. For this reason she has stated that if we ever divorce that all she needs to keep is our maid in order to be happy. 

Ironically when we got a maid, it helps things to improve in our marriage. So it begs to question if acts of service is really even a love language. Why is it my wife is not attracted to our maid and I get the benefits of my wife being more receptive to my advances as a result when I did not perform any acts of service?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

badsanta said:


> My wife's love language is mostly acts of service. For this reason she has stated that if we ever divorce that all she needs to keep is our maid in order to be happy.
> 
> Ironically when we got a maid, it helps things to improve in our marriage. So it begs to question if acts of service is really even a love language. Why is it my wife is not attracted to our maid and I get the benefits of my wife being more receptive to my advances as a result when I did not perform any acts of service?


Why is your wife more receptive to your advances when you did not perform acts of service? 

Your talking about two different things. Your talking about what makes your wife feel loved (acts of service), and what makes your wife accept your advances (sex and attraction). 

Acts of service are just small things you do to make her day easier and help her out. It doesn’t necessarily mean doing the dishes. It could mean buying flowers, leaving a love note, make them coffee in the morning. 

What drives me nuts is when people think they are doing acts of service by being a functioning adult. Like look I did the dishes therefore I’m speaking your love language. Um why wouldn’t you do the dishes? Why wouldn’t you do your share around the house? 

Acts of service to me is like you promise your kids kindergarten class you would make cupcakes, and you bit off more than you can chew and your overwhelmed and your spouse goes... hey I’ll help you, I’ll frost the cupcakes and clean up the dishes.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Why is your wife more receptive to your advances when you did not perform acts of service?
> 
> Your talking about two different things. Your talking about what makes your wife feel loved (acts of service), and what makes your wife accept your advances (sex and attraction).
> 
> ...


This is an interesting debate. I have seen it play out here on TAM quite a few time because people often talk about the love languages. 

A big sticking point is that depending on the love language, some are nonexclusive to marriage. That really bothers some people. If person A) has a love language that ONLY the spouse can fulfill while person B) has a love language that can be respectably outsourced by anyone... that creates a rather awkward conundrum.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

badsanta said:


> This is an interesting debate. I have seen it play out here on TAM quite a few time because people often talk about the love languages.
> 
> A big sticking point is that depending on the love language, some are nonexclusive to marriage. That really bothers some people. If person A) has a love language that ONLY the spouse can fulfill while person B) has a love language that can be respectably outsourced by anyone... that creates a rather awkward conundrum.


I don’t understand. Are you saying that some people can outsource their love language so the spouse doesn’t have to do it? I think ultimately we want our partner to be the one speaking our love language.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

buying flowers is not an act of service. it falls under gifts.

I say this because Acts of Service is my love language and flowers don't do as much for me as dishes do. 

I do think people understanding the Love languages can help. But I also think we all enjoy most of the languages just some get our motor running more than others.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If this is the same guy you were seeing before the trip that he was dragging his feet about, he obviously hasn’t changed. If this is a new guy, he sounds a lot like the old guy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t understand. Are you saying that some people can outsource their love language so the spouse doesn’t have to do it? I think ultimately we want our partner to be the one speaking our love language.


YES! 

It is a very awkward thing about love languages. Some CAN be outsourced and as a result the relationship will actually improve. As a result one person gets to be totally lazy! 

It makes absolutely no sense! My point being that some languages that people _claim_ are their love languages have nothing to do with love. It is just a basic need, like food. 

A way to a man's heart is through his stomach. No need to perform any act of service to achieve that as you can hire someone to deliver said food. You can even encourage a man to order his own food, and as a result he may love you for it. 

Now.... using "food" as an example. Problems tend to happen when a woman prevents a man from eating the food he normally wants. Like putting him on a diet. 

So:

Words of affirmation can create a problem when someone receives criticism
Quality time can create a problem when someone has no other friends
Receiving gifts can create a problem when someone does not have the self esteem to buy what they want
Acts of service can create a problem when someone can't hire help
Physical touch is placed in this conversation by manipulative spouses with no desire as an excuse that they can't solve problems with the above!

My opinion!

Badsanta


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Do you and your partner have the same love language?
> If not, do you struggle feeling loved/happy in your relationship or is it a continuous struggle?


No. 
But we know what each others are. 

Mine are Quality time and physical touch
Her main one is encouraging words, that is how she receives it best, acts of service is probably how she naturally expresses it.

I wouldn't say either of us are neglectful with using each others love languages.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I think that each person should work at expressing all 5 love languages to their SO. The will all improve the relationship.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Do you and your partner have the same love language?
> If not, do you struggle feeling loved/happy in your relationship or is it a continuous struggle?


I should preface this with the caveat that this is probably colored by the end of the relationship not being that good for a couple years.

Thinking back I believe that my ex and I were pretty close to opposites.

She showed signs of at least 3 (spending time, acts of service, and gifts). She probably would say that spending time was pretty high on the list though the "acts of service" that were expected of me often precluded a lot of that time. I couldn't both be cleaning up after supper and watching Jeopardy. Either way I was in trouble. Gifts were intermittently important especially if I had gotten in a rut of other things and just tried to do them "better" on a special occasion when she was expecting me to get her something. Lord preserve me if someone got (or gave her) a better gift at Christmas.

She had some trouble understanding my need for touch and affirmation. She didn't understand why I would want to touch her so much or what I got out of rubbing her feet or giving a massage. Once she had built up some resentment, even that level of intimacy was denied. She was also confused about the affirmation that I sometimes asked for. She would often respond with something like, "You've done x, y, and z in your life. Why would you need me to stroke your ego?"

There was a struggle in the middle of the relationship and then a lot of sad and mad flying around there at the end.


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## LisaCampbell (May 3, 2021)

To understand your partner's love language, observe what your partner likes best. What actions of yours make his eyes light up, and his mood improves. And also, without playing a guessing game, you can directly ask the person, "How can I please you?", "What would you most like me to do for you." Or notice what upsets him the most. It would be nice if there were language resources like englishlinx.com, but for the love language. However, sometimes the languages of love do not coincide. In this case, it is possible to recognize your partner's language and give him what he needs. After all, the basis of love is the desire - to give, to please, to care.


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