# How to respond to wife



## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

The backstory is married 35 years, no sex in the last 7. I gave up trying to understand why she wasn't interested and we became roommates. 4 months ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had 2 options.

1. Have the insulin talk
2. Change my exercise routine and diet

I choose option 2 and in that time dropped 25 lbs and got my blood sugar down to normal. I am within 5 lbs of where I should be and had to buy new clothes that fit better.

Now why wife drops the I am feeling insecure and am afraid you are going to leave me. 

I am at a loss on how to respond to that. Can I get a little help from a woman's perspective?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

salespro said:


> The backstory is married 35 years, no sex in the last 7. I gave up trying to understand why she wasn't interested and we became roommates.


More details definitely needed. I assume you tried numerous conversations on the subject, even flat-asked her what was wrong.

What did she say that made it impossible for you to understand why she cut you off?

Any evidence and/or suspicions she could be having an affair?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

salespro said:


> The backstory is married 35 years, no sex in the last 7. I gave up trying to understand why she wasn't interested and we became roommates. 4 months ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had 2 options.
> 
> 1. Have the insulin talk
> 2. Change my exercise routine and diet
> ...


my response....."good, you should be worried" and "why would a man want to be in a relationship with a woman where there has been no sex/intimacy for 7 years?" and/or "where have you been getting your needs met, that i am a room mate instead of a husband".....

funny how turning a negative (diabetes) into a positive (healthy lifestyle change) could either fix your lousy marriage or allow you to go on to something better.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

salespro said:


> I choose option 2 and in that time dropped 25 lbs and got my blood sugar down to normal. I am within 5 lbs of where I should be and had to buy new clothes that fit better.
> 
> Now why wife drops the I am feeling insecure and am afraid you are going to leave me.
> 
> I am at a loss on how to respond to that. Can I get a little help from a woman's perspective?


 Your therapist told you almost 3 years ago that your marriage "was over". You posted almost a year ago (in July of 2014), that you were "planning my exit strategy", after your wife told you that "I can have sex, I just choose not too". Talk is cheap. Time to move on. The funny thing is that when she gets served with the divorce papers, she may look at you as not being such a doormat that she may actually want to have sex with you again.


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## mam665 (Oct 20, 2012)

My guess is during all of those no sex years (and this is not an insult to you)..you were overweight and she was neglecting your needs. Then, you began to lose weight and now she starts to see that she's possibly taken you for granted and you're looking pretty good too so she's feeling insecure. As a woman (for me anyway) some extra weight on a man is not a issue as far as attraction. So perhaps she has been neglecting you, but then why? If I were to give advice to a man on how to woo his woman this is what I'd say. Pay attention to her with your ears and eyes. Listen. Ask her about the events in her week. Don't just ask "how was your day? and yes and no questions. Show real interest. THAT is sexy! I say this because this is what I don't get and I know it's cause me to withdraw even though logically I know that's counterproductive. Its hard though, to maintain a great amount of interest in someone who is not showing much interest in return.
Of course....not knowing you and your wife my advice may not be of any use to you as maybe you are already that attentive and interested guy. Anyway...I'm rambling. Congratulations by the way on getting on the healthy track.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The explanation for why she is doing what she is doing is pretty straightforward, in my opinion. What you will do about your marriage is the more difficult question.

As to her, she took for granted that she was the best you could do, so she could call the shots sexually. And she has done that for years now. Suddenly, you look more attractive and she can no longer assume that you don't have better options.

What are you going to do about it, though? After a 7-year drought, do you have any interest in having sex with her? She would probably agree to restart your sex life if she's afraid of losing you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

7 years of neglect! You can get some insecurity sex, or just make her fears come true.

Or of course there is the unsatisfying prospect of sexual limbo, marriage counseling, multiple talks, threats of divorce.

You may just have to "run game" on her till senility sets in, but that gets tiring. At least there will be no want of LD threads on TAM.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If she was really afraid of loosing you she would start having sex with you. Talk is cheap. If you have no plans on leaving her then there is no incentive for her to change.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She may be more concerned about the changes that would happen to her life than with losing you. After being together for 35 years your life is probably routine and stable, if you divorce that shakes everything up for her, and she doesn't want that. 

I guess my response to her question of fearing she may lose you would be "WHY do you care?"


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think a little more info would be helpful, as has been mentioned by some other TAMers here. You've only posted 10 times since you joined TAM over a year ago, so... we don't have a lot to go on. 

Why haven't you had sex in over 7 years? Do you know why? How did the marriage become sexless?

What is the state of your marriage otherwise?

If you answer our questions, we can give you better responses.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Cooper said:


> I guess my response to her question of fearing she may lose you would be "WHY do you care?"


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:
Great answer. Sums it up perfectly.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

How do you respond?

Answer her question. Stop beating around the, uh, bush. 

Tell her what it will take to keep you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cooper said:


> I guess my response to her question of fearing she may lose you would be "WHY do you care?"


Followed by "you can always just advertise on craigslist for another roommate when I'm gone."


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she shut you down for over 7 years, then for the life of me I can't understand why she's still there. 

If it was me, I would keep doing what you need to do to lose that last 5 pounds, get in shape, keep your mouth closesd, act happy and let her be the one to lose sleep and have a cluttered mind for a change.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It really is her issue. Why are you making it yours?

If your old lady had her shyt together the question she should be asking is "what do *I* need to do to keep you around?"

Something tells me you hear a lot of the word "you" coming from her pie hole?

There is a codependency issue your old lady has. I guess that happens when you let her get away with that much crap for all those years.

You guys should go get some help and see if the both of you can learn some tools so you both can work on being on the same page.

The trick is finding a good shrink that can be bias and not turn one of you off in keeping this marriage together...so often a shrink starts picking sides and then your both phucked and dropping 10k on a divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

6301 said:


> If she shut you down for over 7 years, then for the life of me I can't understand why she's still there.
> 
> If it was me, I would keep doing what you need to do to lose that last 5 pounds, get in shape, keep your mouth closesd, act happy and let her be the one to lose sleep and have a cluttered mind for a change.


If it was me i would just take her....but hey I'm wired different then most.

The worst thing you can to is keep your mouth shut....YOU DID THAT FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS AND WERE DID IT GET YOU???

Sometimes it time to start turning over tables and knocking over trash cans to make a change...proverbally speaking...can't spell worth a damb....This is not literialy...an anoligy...phuck it you know what I mean!!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

salespro said:


> Now why wife drops the I am feeling insecure and am afraid you are going to leave me.
> 
> I am at a loss on how to respond to that. Can I get a little help from a woman's perspective?


Okay. Now I've got enough background to respond, having looked at your other posts.

As a woman, I would have no respect for you. Thus, I would feel no sexual attraction. I'm sitting in the driver's seat calling the shots. You stay around and suck it up. I continue to be b!tch woman.

Suddenly, you look buff and attractive. I still don't find you sexually attractive, since you are a doormat. BUT ... you are looking good. My antennae go up. Another woman? A possible woman soon? Dang, I'm anxious, worried, and concerned.

After all, you have allowed me to sh!t all over you for years. Now I may be losing my grip.

JMO as a woman.


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

Mam665, we spend a half hour discussing her day at 4:30 when she gets home. I work from home so I can stop when she gets home.


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

We are in the same boat as a lot of couples. At some point you get tired of the rejection and stop trying. I focused on the my hobbies and the stuff that I enjoying doing. If she wants to sit at home that is her decision but I decided I want to experience life and went out and did what I enjoyed. We get along fine, but she does have some sexual abuse when she was young that she never dealt with and some body image issues.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

You don't seem to care so why ask pops into my head here. 

The answer is easy. She figured cruelly that you had no options out of shape so she could blow you off because she was not attracted to you. 

Now you are in better shape and have proven you are willing to earn a better life with the hard work you did to address a health issue. Taking care of yourself and being a man of action is attractive to womenz. 

That scares her into thinking you have a better option than putting up with her crap. 

If you want to fix your sexless marriage, I hope you don't make the mistake of reassuring her she is wrong. 

Sometimes it is referred to as destabilizing the relationship by upping your sex rank. It works sometimes if you utilize the imbalance she is feeling to your advantage to get her off her azz and wanting to meet your needs again. 

Please stop the self rejection. Take a another run at her seductively. If she balks, call the lawyer and man up for a better life unless you are sure you don't deserve one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

salespro said:


> We are in the same boat as a lot of couples.


Really? You know lots of couples who haven't had sex in seven years? Even if it's true, why would you want to be in that boat? Sounds more like the Titanic than the Love Boat, doesn't it? 



salespro12539338 said:


> At some point you get tired of the rejection and stop trying. We get along fine, but she does have some sexual abuse when she was young that she never dealt with and some body image issues.


If you are okay living in a sexless marriage and hanging around for the sake of the kids, I think that's fine. Go for it. Live your own life. Pursue your own interests. But don't be surprised if you find another woman to whom you are attracted.

Your wife's issues? Hers to own, hers to change. Don't make excuses for her. Frankly, she sounds like a royal b!tch.

Like I said, don't be surprised if you eventually tire of her nonsense and hook up with someone else who appreciates you.

I don't advocate divorce, as a rule, but jeesh ... this sounds pretty lonely. And being lonely in a marriage sucks big-time. I know. I lived with it for far too long.


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## SpringMoon (Apr 27, 2015)

If a wife doesn't respond to husband's advances, most likely, it's because he somehow does not arouse her sexually whether it be his looks or the attitudes toward her. Just because she is his wife, it doesn't mean she has to have sex with her husband because he wants it. Hope we all know that fact and in agreement.

Now, for the past 7 years, you were overweight and that could be one of the reasons for non-arousal but there also could be no overture of romance coming from you. A woman needs to be romanced to be aroused even if she is married. I am not saying you have to give her expensive presents, flowers, chocolates and such. It would help but that's not mandatory. Showing interest in what she does and is, small gestures that indicates she is attractive in some way, reminding her you do love her, emembering small things she might have said, etc. Say, she wakes up in the middle of the night and finds you pulling up blanket to cover you and whispers 'are you warm enough?' It's a small thing but it touches a woman's heart, a man's heart too for that matter.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have been with my husband for 27 years, we are both in our 50's. I can't speak for your wife and I do know that in long term marriages there is alot of interweaving that develops over the years so sorting out things can be rather difficult. However, I can mention a few thought here.

For one, I think I can safely say that your wife's interest in sex is not as high as yours and probably never has been. I think that beside lack of interest there's other issues that lead to a sexless marriage. You say you stopped trying and obviously she did too. Is it possible that thru the years your interest in sex has made her feel like she is not wanted for her, that you only want her for sex? That is a turn off to a woman if she thinks that all you think about or want is sex, or if you are into looking at other women (porn), making lude sexual comments, spend no quality time with her and then expect sex at night, she will slowly separate herself emotionally from you. Do you think this is possibly what has happened?

You are now making a change in yourself, good for you by the way! But this might make her insecurities come out as she might have seen that you are the eager sexual person and while she has separated herself emotionally from you it might not be because she wanted to more than it was a way to save her own emotional well-being. Does this make sense to you? She is probably used to her roommate also but you are jerking the rug out from under her safety net. She has got used to this whether she likes it or not but your being thinner makes her think that you might be searching for something else. she understands your sexual appetite and she knows how long it has been too but you each are at this stand-still, accepting words and agreements unspoken with no answers as to why.

My husband and I were in this situation, one year instead of 7. We tried marriage counseling but the counselor took the sexual part too quickly. I need to know my husband wants me for me and wants to spend time with me rather than sitting all day on the computer. I need to know I am special in his eyes. My sexual desire is not as high as my husband's.

There is a saying that men marry for sex and women have sex to get married and I think it is true. Young females many times have sex because they want this man to love them and they may seek that man with sex for years in a way to say to them, "please love me." At some point the woman wakes up to her own thought process and realizes this is not healthy and when she does her need to have this man have sex with her to love her is not as important as it once was. 

Statistics show that 70% of all divorces filed after the age of 40 are initiated by women. I think the above scenarios here are why.

All food for thought for you.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Good lord knows the whole reason he stayed for 35 years (7 of them sexless!) was because he just wanted sex.:rofl:

Funny, because I got the same sh1t thrown at me. 10 years borderline sexless, once a month if lucky. Give me a freaking break.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Muse1976 said:


> Good lord knows the whole reason he stayed for 35 years (7 of them sexless!) was because he just wanted sex.:rofl:
> 
> Funny, because I got the same sh1t thrown at me. 10 years borderline sexless, once a month if lucky. Give me a freaking break.


Muse, that's considered sexless. 10 or fewer times per year is the definition I've read. I'm guessing since you said once a month if lucky, it was more like every other month?

Boo for sexless marriages.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Sometimes yes sometimes no. Sorry it just hit a sore point. Thats just a huge cop out and insult IMHO. 

I agree sexless marriages do suck.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Muse1976 said:


> Sometimes yes sometimes no. Sorry it just hit a sore point. Thats just a huge cop out and insult IMHO.
> 
> I agree sexless marriages do suck.


Oh, honey, I completely understand. It's a sore point for me, too. My entire marriage, from start to finish, all 5.5 yrs of it, was sexless. It made me miserable, and destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem, much of which was still new, fragile, and hard-won when he and I first met. I'm STILL fixing the parts of me that he broke, and we've been divorced for 1.5 yrs now.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Oh, honey, I completely understand. It's a sore point for me, too. My entire marriage, from start to finish, all 5.5 yrs of it, was sexless. It made me miserable, and destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem, much of which was still new, fragile, and hard-won when he and I first met. I'm STILL fixing the parts of me that he broke, and we've been divorced for 1.5 yrs now.


The hardest part is recognizing your part in the sexless marriage.

Why was I in a sexless marriage for almost 15 years?

Because I allowed it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> The hardest part is recognizing your part in the sexless marriage.
> 
> Why was I in a sexless marriage for almost 15 years?
> 
> Because I allowed it.


But from that can come the most valuable knowledge and self-awareness... WHY did I allow it, and how can I change that in myself?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> But from that can come the most valuable knowledge and self-awareness... WHY did I allow it, and how can I change that in myself?


Very empowering to take your greatest weakness from past relationships, work on them, then turn them into one of your greatest strengths in new relationships.

(ie, laid like tile) :smthumbup:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Very empowering to take your greatest weakness from past relationships, work on them, then turn them into one of your greatest strengths in new relationships.
> 
> (ie, laid like tile) :smthumbup:


:iagree: It really is!!!

This is why I say my divorce was the best thing to ever happen to me. Some people think that's crazy. I say they just don't get it.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

FeministInPink, and Ceegee.

[email protected] well said!

:allhail:


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

Springmoon, just to clarify. I lost 26 lbs and so I wasn't obese or carrying a beer gut. I carried it well and just firmed up pretty well. My best guess is I did something that really caused her to resent me (I have ask if that it true about 100 times) or due to some of her past issues she is as she claim asexual.


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

Muse1976 said:


> Good lord knows the whole reason he stayed for 35 years (7 of them sexless!) was because he just wanted sex.:rofl:
> 
> Funny, because I got the same sh1t thrown at me. 10 years borderline sexless, once a month if lucky. Give me a freaking break.


Muse, it wasn't just sex that caused me to stay We made a nice life, raised a great kid and been able to travel places other people only dream about. We don't fight, share the household chores equally and have been supportive of each others careers. It isn't a miserable marriage, but we are heading in different directions.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

salespro said:


> Muse, it wasn't just sex that caused me to stay We made a nice life, raised a great kid and been able to travel places other people only dream about. We don't fight, share the household chores equally and have been supportive of each others careers. It isn't a miserable marriage, but we are heading in different directions.


I understand completely. My story is different, but I can completely understand. I stayed for my babies and the fact that I thought she was worth the effort. 

I was just insulted by the comment another poster made that you were staying in your sexless marriage because it was all about the sex. 

AKA - You stayed because lack of sex obviously wasn't worth throwing your marriage away. Otherwise you would have left already.

For some it's a deal breaker, for others it's not. It's up to the individual to decide.

Thank you for your post.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Muse1976 said:


> I understand completely. My story is different, but I can completely understand. I stayed for my babies and the fact that I thought she was worth the effort.
> 
> *I was just insulted by the comment another poster made that you were staying in your sexless marriage because it was all about the sex. *
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying here. Not to put words in other people's mouths, but I think the poster who said this was being sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek. Something like that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

salespro said:


> We are in the same boat as a lot of couples. At some point you get tired of the rejection and stop trying. I focused on the my hobbies and the stuff that I enjoying doing. If she wants to sit at home that is her decision but I decided I want to experience life and went out and did what I enjoyed. We get along fine, but she does have some sexual abuse when she was young that she never dealt with and some body image issues.


You know how this reads to me. I tried for a while, gave up on anything potentially useful (like losing weight back then). Instead, having no sympathy for her past, and just wanting to get laid, I abandoned her in favor of my hobbies. 

This street goes two ways.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> You know how this reads to me. I tried for a while, gave up on anything potentially useful (like losing weight back then). Instead, having no sympathy for her past, and just wanting to get laid, I abandoned her in favor of my hobbies.
> 
> This street goes two ways.


much like your and the OP's this describes my married life as well. we had a nice life. good family, many thought the "perfect life".... my only complaint was my wife's disdain for sexual intamacy. sure we did it...but it always felt more like a chore being done than the experience i needed.

we went to MC..and to my relief my wife got reamed by the counselor for her views on things.....so it lasted about 4 sessions. I too, lacking knowing what to do to "fix" my wife's issues, abandoned her to my hobbies. the affair i discovered later she was having only made things worse.

so what i am saying to the OP....don't make the mistakes I and others have made here. address your issues (your and hers) head on, rather than continuing on like you have been and let life pass you by or end up in a worse situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

salespro said:


> Now why wife drops the I am feeling insecure and am afraid you are going to leave me.
> 
> I am at a loss on how to respond to that. Can I get a little help from a woman's perspective?


If I were your wife, I would have 'needed' to hear: 
"I can understand why you'd be afraid. You turned from my lover and best friend to just a roommate. Maybe I contributed to that, but so did you. I married you, expecting to be able to make crazy love to you for the rest of our lives. I don't know what happened to make you want to stop that, but I hope you'll do some heavy thinking about it. I've gotten a wakeup call with this diagnosis and I've realized I only get one chance at life. I want to spend the rest of it with you, but I may not be able to survive seven more years without sex, let alone another 30. I'm willing to go into therapy with you to figure out what happened and what we can do. I'm going to continue to improve myself; I hope you'll do the same, and address your sexual abuse so you can heal."

It's not too late. You can still have this conversation with her.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> If I were your wife, I would have 'needed' to hear:
> "I can understand why you'd be afraid. You turned from my lover and best friend to just a roommate. Maybe I contributed to that, but so did you. I married you, expecting to be able to make crazy love to you for the rest of our lives. I don't know what happened to make you want to stop that, but I hope you'll do some heavy thinking about it. I've gotten a wakeup call with this diagnosis and I've realized I only get one chance at life. I want to spend the rest of it with you, but I may not be able to survive seven more years without sex, let alone another 30. I'm willing to go into therapy with you to figure out what happened and what we can do. I'm going to continue to improve myself; I hope you'll do the same, and address your sexual abuse so you can heal."
> 
> It's not too late. You can still have this conversation with her.


i have never given a like before on this site. until now.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I get what you're saying here. Not to put words in other people's mouths, but I think the poster who said this was being sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek. Something like that.


I may have jumped to conclusions. It wouldn't be the first time I would be wrong. Thanks for the different perspective.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> If I were your wife, I would have 'needed' to hear:
> "I can understand why you'd be afraid. You turned from my lover and best friend to just a roommate. Maybe I contributed to that, but so did you. I married you, expecting to be able to make crazy love to you for the rest of our lives. I don't know what happened to make you want to stop that, but I hope you'll do some heavy thinking about it. I've gotten a wakeup call with this diagnosis and I've realized I only get one chance at life. I want to spend the rest of it with you, but I may not be able to survive seven more years without sex, let alone another 30. I'm willing to go into therapy with you to figure out what happened and what we can do. I'm going to continue to improve myself; I hope you'll do the same, and address your sexual abuse so you can heal."


..."Oh and another thing....I'm cashing my 401k in and buying a Harley."


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