# How do you ever trust again?



## MontanaMama (Apr 22, 2015)

How do you ever trust anyone again? Including yourself. I second guess everything now. I know what my ex says about me and that much of it is blatant lies, but I know he believes what he says. The mind is a powerful thing and I know it can have us "remember" things that never happened, or remember differently from the way they went down. I ask myself constantly, "Am I the one that is remembering wrong?"
I'm dating someone new and our stories are very similar, but I find myself wondering if he is the one remembering right, or if he has made up a story in his head that be believes, but isn't true. I wonder if I'm telling things they way they happened or if I've changed it all in my head and believe my own lies. 
I've spent time with professional help and believe my marriage ending was a good and healthy thing, but I'm so scared to move forward because I don't trust my own perceptions of anything. When my guy says he is crazy about me, I think, "my ex was at the start too." When I think about the future, I think about how everything I ever thought my future would be was so easily shattered that I'm afraid to even contemplate it. Do we ever get over feeling this way? 
My ex had someone new within a couple of months and I know that she believes everything he says about me and about himself, why wouldn't she? If she didn't believe him, she wouldn't be with him. I wonder if I am being equally gullible or if the guy I'm with now is being gullible and I'm really the monster I was made out to be. I just can't seem to find solid ground. Am I crazy? Was he crazy? Are we all crazy? Is there any hope of a truly happy marriage? Do we ever heal from all this?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If anyone has cause to be jaded and disbelieving, it is Ol' Arb!

Having gone through two marriages with women who I deeply loved and adored, only to be deceptively cast aside by them to covertly lie and cheat their way into the pants of other men for their own selfish pleasure and material gain!

And as I've intoned on here in many of TAM's many threads, I am literally scared crapless that if there comes to be a third Mrs. Arb, even if she were a sheer saint of the proportions of Mother Teresa, something would come along that would preemptively cause her to stray, and that I unknowingly would somehow be at the root cause of it! 

That's why that even to this very day, I have trouble trusting women enough to ever start opening up a dialogue with them to even pursue dating them!

I know that all women don't cheat and are not inherently deceitful, but you'd have one hell of a time convincing my inner being about that fact!

Like you, somehow or someway, I'm going to have to find the reserves within myself to trust again! Loneliness is a terrible enemy!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MontanaMama said:


> How do you ever trust anyone again? Including yourself.
> 
> I just can't seem to find solid ground.
> 
> ...


This is what I know.

Men want sex. They want to lay on top of you and kiss the hell out of your lips.

They want a companion that they can do stuff with, one who does not complain about much.

They will share their feelings with you if they trust you. Yes, they find other women attractive.

They usually will not cheat on you "for no reason". Some do, the majority will not.

They will give their shirts off their back if you remove your shirt when they need loving.

Marriage and dating is a trade-off. You give him what he wants and needs, he does the same.

And yes, initially, men will hide their selfish side. They want intimacy. This is a burning need. They want to mark your furry territory and make it theirs.

Do not take that "marking" personal. It is in the nature of men. And red dogs.

Enjoy the attention. But watch his eyes....not his hands.

Go with the flow....do not be swept away by it. Keep close enough to the shore. Do not let the undertow of male bullcrap take you under.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For me it's easy to trust again but I will never do so blindly like I did in my marriage. I listen to my gut and follow up on Hunches. Trust but verify has now worked for me. Getting lied to was bad enough but how it blindsided me is what I am actually trying to prevent now


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It's fine to accept that there are usually more than one truth to a situation and we each view life through our own experiences and interpretation. I wouldn't hold that against your guy as a reason to not trust him, if he shows that he is a trustworthy man. However, you should realize that if you still care what your ex is saying about you then you aren't over him or the divorce and you are probably not quite ready to have a committed relationship yet. You'll probably find yourself a lot more confident in your personal/dating life if you give it more time and get past your old marriage before getting involved in a new relationship.


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## MontanaMama (Apr 22, 2015)

Cheating wasn't an issue, neither of us ever strayed, (as far as I know.) It isn't that I care what my ex says, it is that what he says is so different from what I say. I know there are always two sides to a story and that is what scares me. How can two sides be so totally different unless one or both people are way off? If my ex and I are way off, how far off is everyone else? I guess I'm wandering into "what is the meaning of life" or "does truth really exist" ground. 
When I get to doubting, I wonder if what I believe is all an illusion. My ex told me I was a terrible person, that he was miserable being married to me, and that it was all my fault. Obviously, I don't agree. It has been over a year since the divorce and now dating a really amazing guy. I just can't shake the feeling that it is all a fake. The fun and giddiness of a new relationship that was wonderful when i was young, seems so foolish now. We are both obviously infatuated and I know that gives you blinders, or at least rose colored glasses, I don't want to wake up and find the guy that loved me hates me like last time. 
I guess what I don't trust is feelings.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MontanaMama said:


> How do you ever trust anyone again? Including yourself. I second guess everything now. I know what my ex says about me and that much of it is blatant lies, but I know he believes what he says. The mind is a powerful thing and I know it can have us "remember" things that never happened, or remember differently from the way they went down. I ask myself constantly, "Am I the one that is remembering wrong?"
> I'm dating someone new and our stories are very similar, but I find myself wondering if he is the one remembering right, or if he has made up a story in his head that be believes, but isn't true. I wonder if I'm telling things they way they happened or if I've changed it all in my head and believe my own lies.
> I've spent time with professional help and believe my marriage ending was a good and healthy thing, but I'm so scared to move forward because I don't trust my own perceptions of anything. When my guy says he is crazy about me, I think, "my ex was at the start too." When I think about the future, I think about how everything I ever thought my future would be was so easily shattered that I'm afraid to even contemplate it. Do we ever get over feeling this way?
> My ex had someone new within a couple of months and I know that she believes everything he says about me and about himself, why wouldn't she? If she didn't believe him, she wouldn't be with him. I wonder if I am being equally gullible or if the guy I'm with now is being gullible and I'm really the monster I was made out to be. I just can't seem to find solid ground. Am I crazy? Was he crazy? Are we all crazy? Is there any hope of a truly happy marriage? Do we ever heal from all this?


Got to get to the point were you know you will be alright either way. Right now you are operating out of fear. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. You have to know that you will be OK alone. Then you will have some fear but you will successfully be able to calm yourself down by reminding yourself that you will be just fine. For now use the fact that you survived your previous breakup to make you stronger.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe you have to accept that your ex is weird. Maybe he has a skewed perception of himself and others? Maybe its not you!

I've been there. My ex even recalled events that I don't.....and forgot events or situations that I recall. He's been my ex for years now, and he just seems to get weirder over time. We were married 23 years...

I had a hard time trusting myself for awhile. I met a great guy.... who said and did all the right things, and I questioned the relationship and whether it was real, or just what I wanted to hear for a while. I ended up kind of keeping a mental checklist of the good stuff, stuff that was important to me.... communication, integrity, personal responsibility, etc.... We've been together for almost 12 years now, and we still check in with each other to make sure there are no issues and that all is well. And we communicate about everything and anything, which solves most things that I was concerned about all those years ago. And he still says and does all the right things, and it's all good.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Sounds like you may have been the target of successful gaslighting. 

https://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control-ebook/dp/B000QCQ8X0


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I get it. I'm 4 yrs post divorce now and I still haven't ventured out. At first I didn't want to because I had a teenage daughter at home, but I've been an empty nester now for almost 3 months and am still afraid to put myself out there again.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> How do you ever trust again?


Ey? Meh, I let them earn it

For years I always thought that I have been a hard ass when it comes to trust and folks tend to say I'm "not over my ex" and I'm "still hurt" and yada yada yada
Then I met someone who actually earned that trust, and I realised something - there's nothing wrong with being untrusting, it helps keeps undesirables away. The right person will earn your trust.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Two thoughts....

1. Therapy can help provide clarity on what really happened, but unless there was some trauma or abuse it is probably best to just focus on your current relationship and leave the past in the past. Forensic archaeology can be a bit overrated.

2. Communicate with your current. Be sure that you are what he needs and vice versa. But in the end, trust is kinda a leap faith we choose to take each day. There are no guarantees in this life.

Good luck!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Trust is earned, incrementally. For me, I had to re-learn who deserved trust and who did not. (I grew up in a dysfunctional family and didn't know who I could trust, and invested my trust in the wrong people.) I've learned to make better choices in friends, and I know better now who I can trust. It's a learning process, but if you're willing to put in the effort, it is possible.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I have never completely, blindly trusted anyone in my life, including my ex wife. For good reason too, as it turned out. I don't think anyone should ever put complete trust in another human being. People are unpredictable, and if their goals for the relationship change, they probably won't be giving you an early heads up. Learn to be okay with the idea of not having a SO in your life at all times, and you'll be healthier and happier for it.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

MontanaMama said:


> My ex told me I was a terrible person, that he was miserable being married to me, and* that it was all my fault*.


The above bolded is *impossible*. "It's all your fault" is the go to phrase of immature, passive-aggressive and/or personality disordered people. Those types are incapable of introspection or admitting mistakes and, they "spin" reality to make themselves look like victims.

So, given that, how the hell can your exH be "right"?


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## MontanaMama (Apr 22, 2015)

Thank you to everyone that responded. It has given me things to think about. I know my marriage was not healthy, but I don't really know what healthy looks like so I don't trust. 
I definitely agree with the gaslighting. I have so much healing to do.


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## TheLyonKyng (Jan 14, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *If anyone has cause to be jaded and disbelieving, it is Ol' Arb!
> 
> Having gone through two marriages with women who I deeply loved and adored, only to be deceptively cast aside by them to covertly lie and cheat their way into the pants of other men for their own selfish pleasure and material gain!
> 
> ...


I cannot say enough as to how much I can relate to this. I have also been married twice and I cannot find it within me to come close to seeing a positive or healthy future with someone. My recent divorce happened because she was more concerned with what her friends said and how they felt about "our" marriage. She took their word as the Holy Bible. Although we were legally married for 5 years, we were really together for a year and a half. I've spent the rest of that time trying to get her back to where we were.

Eventually, the forces against me were too great to overcome, and I just signed the divorce papers to end my torture.

Thinking back, everything that she has said was a lie when she would tell me how she valued marriage and our relationship. She quit. She gave up on us because she placed her values outside of our relationship. Two marriages with the same results. I have two divorces within a 7 year time frame. I just don't feel that I can open myself up to that kind of purgatory yet again. I have no idea as to how to approach or pursue another woman. I cannot help but think that this type of viciousness is the norm. 

What ever happened to the time when people married and worked things out? When did marriage become such a selfish and narcissistic event? I know that people are not perfect, but it just seems to me that so many people are just in it to hurt the person who they claim to "love". 

I now keep empty divorce papers on my desk to remind myself as to how I never want to see my name on those papers again. I don't ever want to overlook the basic things that I have always chosen to look past, only to have those very things be the reason or cause for yet another divorce. I might be broken, but I am not lost.

I attend therapy and the advice was given to me about establishing boundaries. I am working very hard in doing that very thing. It may take a VERY SPECIAL person to cause those walls of mine to even begin to come down. But, as for this very moment... it's all about me. I need to protect my treasures.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> What ever happened to the time when people married and worked things out? When did marriage become such a selfish and narcissistic event? I know that people are not perfect, but it just seems to me that so many people are just in it to hurt the person who they claim to "love". .



I feel the same way, and that turned my stomach even to the general idea of a relationship.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

[/QUOTE] I've spent time with professional help and believe my marriage ending was a good and healthy thing, but I'm so scared to move forward because I don't trust my own perceptions of anything. When my guy says he is crazy about me, I think, "my ex was at the start too." When I think about the future, I think about how everything I ever thought my future would be was so easily shattered that I'm afraid to even contemplate it. Do we ever get over feeling this way? 

How long have you been divorced? I'd recommend taking time for yourself. It's great that you've had professional help, and as long as you've learned what went wrong in the marriage and you've taken steps to grow yourself and move forward, history is not destined to repeat itself. You can have a fulfilling relationship- but you need to fully heal and recognize your role in the marriage's demise so you can move forward. I'll also add that right now, your instincts may be telling you you're not yet ready. The beginning of a relationship is based on the release of chemicals that don't last long-term, so you're wise to recognize that now as you look for another relationship. It's what you do when the chemicals wane that make a LTR successful. Part of this could be your man picker. Part of it could be how you view caring for another person and meeting their needs too. I'd recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs. I'm married but have felt a loss at what we had so strong for years, those "I can't get enough of you" feelings that seemed to fade now at the 15 yr mark. His Needs, Her Needs helped me realize that there is a lot we can do to maintain those feelings of love and romance in LTR. It is very encouraging.

My ex had someone new within a couple of months and I know that she believes everything he says about me and about himself, why wouldn't she? If she didn't believe him, she wouldn't be with him. I wonder if I am being equally gullible or if the guy I'm with now is being gullible and I'm really the monster I was made out to be. I just can't seem to find solid ground. Am I crazy? Was he crazy? Are we all crazy? Is there any hope of a truly happy marriage? Do we ever heal from all this?

Yes, you will heal from this but you're not ready yet. You need to get to a place where you don't care or worry about what he's thinking or feeling, or what his GF thinks about you. After all, he's her problem now, not yours. Focus on yourself and what YOU need and want this time around.
[/QUOTE]


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

With everything I have gone thru in my life I still approach people believing I can trust them. What has changed dramatically for me is my lack of tolerance, one tiny bit of deceit and I am done with that person. Never again will I chose to accept or tolerate what I know to be someones bull ****. 

This isn't about healing or holding on to the anger..etc, to me it's about realizing the destruction caused by deceit and eliminating the source instantly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MontanaMama said:


> How do you ever trust anyone again? Including yourself. I second guess everything now. I know what my ex says about me and that much of it is blatant lies, but I know he believes what he says. The mind is a powerful thing and I know it can have us "remember" things that never happened, or remember differently from the way they went down. I ask myself constantly, "Am I the one that is remembering wrong?"
> I'm dating someone new and our stories are very similar, but I find myself wondering if he is the one remembering right, or if he has made up a story in his head that be believes, but isn't true. I wonder if I'm telling things they way they happened or if I've changed it all in my head and believe my own lies.
> I've spent time with professional help and believe my marriage ending was a good and healthy thing, but I'm so scared to move forward because I don't trust my own perceptions of anything. When my guy says he is crazy about me, I think, "my ex was at the start too." When I think about the future, I think about how everything I ever thought my future would be was so easily shattered that I'm afraid to even contemplate it. Do we ever get over feeling this way?
> My ex had someone new within a couple of months and I know that she believes everything he says about me and about himself, why wouldn't she? If she didn't believe him, she wouldn't be with him. I wonder if I am being equally gullible or if the guy I'm with now is being gullible and I'm really the monster I was made out to be. I just can't seem to find solid ground. Am I crazy? Was he crazy? Are we all crazy? Is there any hope of a truly happy marriage? Do we ever heal from all this?


Accept that you can't control what other people think, remember or do. Do the right thing for yourself because it is the right thing. Try as hard as you can. That is where your success lies, and what is important. It's the only thing you can control.


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