# Counseling ...



## garfmunch

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years ... like with any marriage there are bumps along with the way. Of recent I don't know if you want to call it a mid-life crisis for my wife, but she is having some mixed emotions on what she wants in life etc ... we have agreed to go see separate counselors etc, I tend to be so even keeled I don't know if you want to say I am afraid of my wife ... but I need to learn how to really express my emotions to her .... and at the same time she wants to figure out why she is feeling the way she is.

We plan on doing couples counseling at some point and she doesn't want to leave etc .. 

has anyone dealt with this before?


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## IWantLove

I might be in a similar boat. My husband and I have been married just over four years and now find ourselves at an impasse. Like you, he doesn't know how to express his emotions to me (because of how he was raised and what his parents' former marriage was like), which has proven to be pretty detrimental to our relationship. And maybe similarly to you and your wife, it turns out we may want different things out of life. We've each seen therapists individually in the past month (since our problems seeminlgy erupted) and have our first session togther this week. We both want things to work out but aren't sure how our different goals in life can be reconciled.

I could go into more detail but won't at this point.

How long have your problems been going on, and do YOU want to stay in the marriage? What's preventing you from going to couples counseling right now?


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## Sandy55

garfmunch said:


> ... like with any marriage there are bumps along with the way.


Let me warn you: the person in the marriage who is happiest with the marriage usually sees issues as "bumps", your wife likely sees them as a hole in the road you could lose a dump truck in. 

Men are very good at minimizing issues their wife brings up. Is the nature of the beast.

But at least you seem to care enough to look into it with her!:smthumbup:


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## rsucks

Just a word on "couple counselling" and how it can be divisive. We used a famous national UK service which declared itself as a marriage/couple counselling service. In total we had 4 sessions, of which two were as a couple and two were just my wife.

The first solo session with my wife was by mutual agreement between all three of us and only because I was due to go up to our old house and organise removals and we didn't want to lose the slot so agreed my wife would meet up on her own. Indeed, the counsellor said that solo sessions were really not what they were about but this once, give our circumstances, she would do it.

At this solo session, for some inexplicable reason, my wife and the counsellor agreed to meet up again without me. This was despite the fact that at the same time, my wife was taking separate and individual professional support sessions at a similar cost to the "couple counselling" sessions. It was arranged despite the counsellors earlier cautions about seeing one partner on their own, and seemed entirely inconsistent and inexplicable. Didn't help that in this organisation, you couldn't communicate with the counsellor directly, but only via a pretty abrupt desk clerk.

The fact that this 4rth session was arranged completely without consultation with me made me lose faith completely in the counsellor. I asked my wife if she felt fearful which not surprisingly she answered "no" to as we have never had shouting match type arguements, and of course there has never been any violence of any sort whatsoever.

My wife still can't explain why she agreed to the second solo session - indeed, it only occurred to her that I might feel it unfair when I mentioned it specifically - but how could it be fair for one side of the couple to be getting two professional sessions a week, and the other partner to be getting no support whatsoever?

We're still on shaky ground, but seeking support from a different counsellor - and trying to get money back from the original one to help pay for it.

But both parties should be aware that if a supposed "couple counsellor" suggests seeing the same one partner more than once in a row, it can make the other party feel pretty hard done by and unless for a very good reason (eg. good reason to fear for safety) should be viewed with caution.


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## garfmunch

Wow .. I am bad, I never responded to what happened .. we ended up seeing separate counselors .. and after time went to couples counseling together. A lot happened last year in regards to this, she ended up moving out into an apartment for a couple of months etc, but she moved back in towards the end of the year. She feels that things are now much better between us, but a part of me doesn't feel that way. Has anyone else felt like that?


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