# Another Affair



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

I posted in another thread about the story of my marriage. Married in 2007. Son born in 2008. I found out about an affair that my wife was having in 2015. It had been going on for at least 18 months but I know for sure that she knew the guy for at least two years prior to that. 

I was an emotionally distant husband but was never abusive and I never cheated on her, but it was enough to make her not feel cherished as a woman.

Anyway, in late May of this year my wife asks for divorce. We had not been able to to find good rhythm before or after the affair. Honestly, the only time we really enjoyed was our engagement during the girlfriend/boyfriend stage.

She has already procured a rental house and is setting up applications for state benefits for when the divorce is final (her personal income is pretty low). She is not asking for alimony or child support. She knows I will take care of my child and we will be flexible on where he lives. The only thing she asked was that I continue making car payments for her car (it is my property since I am the sole owner, but she drives it).

I had my doubts starting in January that something else was going on, and my hunch was right. She kept telling me she had been faithful since the last affair but it was an outright lie. She told me today she had another affair this year and is a few months pregnant. WHAT????

I told her after the last affair that I could forgive that one but if she ever found the need to be with someone else again she should just say so and leave instead of trying to facilitate another affair. Apparently the guy is more to her liking since she jumped in the bed with him so quick but hasn't had sex with me in almost a year. She was recently told she couldn't have kids due to ovary issues, so she had unprotected sex while on birth control. She lost that bet. 

At this point I don't have much anger left to dish out expect for all of the extra taxes I need to pay going from married to single. I will definitely be working to minimize that impact. My biggest feeling is disappointment. I knew she was not happy with the marriage and divorce was inevitable. I originally knew her as a God-centered woman but over the past few years she claims she has been too broken. But she knew right from wrong. I know many people don't believe in God but I hope for her sake that God turns this screwed up situation into something positive for her. I never wanted more kids and she resented me for that. This is going to give her another child but not under acceptable circumstances. I have no idea who the guy is other than a business associate but she said he wants to meet me at some point. I guess he knows it is a tense situation and wants to do his part to step up and discuss it. My only concern is whether he is a good guy to have around my son. Not sure how reliable or trustworthy he will be towards my current wife considering he was willing to jump in the bed with a married woman. I will definitely have to set that meeting up in a public place.

I told her today that she may be a good mom but I will never trust her again in other capacities. Although she wanted another child in her life, this is definitely not the way she saw it happening. But when you make stupid deceitful decisions this is what happens. One one hand she cried about how she feels she ruined my life and dreams but on the other hand she appears to somewhat justify her actions because she was unhappy. 

She does feel guilty enough about the situation to not ask for alimony but I wonder about the car. It is a recent purchase due a totaled car from a car accident, so I have 5 years of payments. I was willing to make payments if this was a clean divorce but now that I know another affair was involved, I don't really want to pay for her to have the car. In my opinion, the other guy can take care of her. I will discuss with my attorney. I don't know if I have any legal obligation to provide transportation for her. But I also don't want to act revengeful. I have spent too many years filled with resentment and anger.

This has been a major learning experience for me to use for future relationships.

And for the divorce I already have an attorney and will be drafting the marriage settlement agreement.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I agree with you. As long as she's mixed up with another man, I wouldn't financially support her in any way. But, do keep in mind, that if you antagonize her, she may very well change her mind about alimony. So, weigh your options. Perhaps have a no alimony agreement drawn up, and have her sign it - then take the car.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry man. Time to start protecting yourself lawyer up, don't' expect her not to take you to the cleaners. You took the whole passive route and that didn't work out of you why would money be any different? Truth is don't be surprised if you hang out with a tiger when it bites you. DNA your kid. This woman is bad news.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If all you need to do is pay off a car and you can get her to sign the agreement run to the courthouse with it. The potential risk of alimony, child support and splitting half the assets isn't worth it no matter what you feel. 

She wants an easy out, she thinks the new Mr perfect is going to step up and marry her or take care of her. Use it to your advantage right now and get the deal done, odds are once she is on her own for a little while the deal is going to change and not for the better. Check with your attorney also if you can get divorced while she is pregnant, some states won't allow a divorce during a pregnancy. Right now since your married like it or not your legally the father and responsible for bills etc so get a dna test done as soon as you can to prove your not the father of the unborn child.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

I already have an attorney. I will discuss the medical stuff with him. I wanted to stay married until 2018 to avoid getting hit hard with single taxes for all of 2017 while I have been paying based on married withdrawals. So until the divorce is final she can bill all of her doctor visits to our current plan if she wanted to. She did apply for state benefits in Ohio. Even though mentally she is broken and can't stay faithful she at least is trying not to burden me with the finances. My attorney said to keep peaceful (he doesn't know about the baby yet) and to hurry up and get an agreement signed.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Sorry man. Time to start protecting yourself lawyer up, don't' expect her not to take you to the cleaners. You took the whole passive route and that didn't work out of you why would money be any different? Truth is don't be surprised if you hang out with a tiger when it bites you. DNA your kid. This woman is bad news.


It's weird. Even though she has been very deceitful and outright lie several times about what is going on (even last week she kept saying she was faithful this time.....just burning time until she had the guts to fess up), she has never done anything detrimental with our money. She always viewed the bank and credit accounts as mine. She has her own accounts that I don't have access to, but only banking. She has no credit of her own and no credit history.

My attorney said to be nice during this process to avoid making her upset. He even suggested I offer alimony for a period of time to help her feel secure and not let her go down an emotional rabbit hole. He doesn't know about the pregnancy yet but will tomorrow.

Our son is definitely mine. Looks just like me. No doubts there. I only had doubts of her faithfulness during times when I felt something was off and I was right both times.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

hell no to alimony why should you support he lies and deceitfulness , dump your lawyer, she should not get anything...i would pay the car out right and give it too her and make sure you take her off the insurance...enough is enough


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

knight185 said:


> It's weird. Even though she has been very deceitful and outright lie several times about what is going on (even last week she kept saying she was faithful this time.....just burning time until she had the guts to fess up), she has never done anything detrimental with our money. She always viewed the bank and credit accounts as mine. She has her own accounts that I don't have access to, but only banking. She has no credit of her own and no credit history.
> 
> My attorney said to be nice during this process to avoid making her upset. He even suggested I offer alimony for a period of time to help her feel secure and not let her go down an emotional rabbit hole. He doesn't know about the pregnancy yet but will tomorrow.
> 
> Our son is definitely mine. Looks just like me. No doubts there. I only had doubts of her faithfulness during times when I felt something was off and I was right both times.


With all do respect what in your history shows you that you can read this woman the way you think you can? She cheated on you twice once after you caught her when presumably your guard was up. It would be better and much safer for you to assume you have no idea what she is capable of or what she is going to do and operate from that assumption.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sorry for your situation.

Ok, a couple of thoughts on your divorce. First, child support is likely to be automatic. Avoid, if you can, having the money taken by the state from your paycheck. State offices frequently make mistakes, and you are the one who loses no matter what. Your lawyer can advise you on this regarding how it can be done where you live. Some kind of electronic transfer you do yourself would be my choice. There is a record of it in case of dispute, and there is no state functionary to screw anything up. If you and your ex have an account at the same bank or credit union it is super simple to make the online transfer.

Second, the car. When the divorce is finalized you don't want any legal liability. If it is in your name, you are at great risk. What if she or her boyfriend kill somebody in an accident? What if she has failed to keep the insurance up? What if she has crappy insurance which doesn't cover nearly the damages? I would find a way to have the car titled fully in her name so you can walk away from it. Maybe sell the car and buy her a cheaper used car if you need to. Get a personal loan from the bank, or from a parent/sibling if necessary. Whoever takes the vehicle would normally also take any debt associated with it. Which means if the car is titled to you, the loan is in your name. If the car is titled to her, she has to get a loan for it.

The financials of the divorce generally are a 50/50 split of marital assets. The car has some net value which is book value minus any loan against it. You also have some cash in the bank, maybe some retirement savings, some furniture, etc. It really doesn't matter who takes the cash or who takes the car as long as you each get your fair share. If the car has a net value of $5k, she can take the car and you take $5k in cash. Or sell the car and you each take $5k in cash. Iow, be flexible and creative in how you split up the assets and the debts.

As far as 50/50, that is a general position. But whatever you both agree to and believe is fair is what you should seek. I think a smooth quick divorce has merits even if you don't quite get 50%. On the other hand, don't give away the farm! It is easy to just want to be done with it fast. Presumably she wants to get the divorce done quickly and easily, so that is to your benefit. Offer something fair and maybe she'll take it.

Ask your atty about protecting yourself on the paternity of her unborn baby. In some states the husband is presumed father, and he is on the hook for child support. Be sure you get out in front of this issue and do whatever needs to be done to keep your name off of the birth certificate and no child support.

I would suggest you paternity test your child just to be sure. 9 is young enough you can probably do a cheek swab under some kind of story without him/her suspecting. The older they get, the tougher it is to do the paternity test. You might talk to the pediatrician about doing the test. Take the kid for a basic check up and have the doc do the swab with some bland explanation.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

knight185 said:


> I already have an attorney. I will discuss the medical stuff with him. I wanted to stay married until 2018 to avoid getting hit hard with single taxes for all of 2017 while I have been paying based on married withdrawals. So until the divorce is final she can bill all of her doctor visits to our current plan if she wanted to. She did apply for state benefits in Ohio. Even though mentally she is broken and can't stay faithful she at least is trying not to burden me with the finances. My attorney said to keep peaceful (he doesn't know about the baby yet) and to hurry up and get an agreement signed.


Do you have 401K or ROTH IRA? If so, can you up it?


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Lostinthought61 said:


> hell no to alimony why should you support he lies and deceitfulness , dump your lawyer, she should not get anything...i would pay the car out right and give it too her and make sure you take her off the insurance...enough is enough



Well, when she first announced wanting a divorce I was in support of the divorce and she said she wanted no alimony. The attorney mentioned alimony as a bargaining option if I felt she would ask for other benefits but also said it could help me with the taxes. With the new situation I am sure he will not support that.

I wish I could pay the car off but I don't have the cash. She also doesn't have the credit history to get a loan. So I am stuck at the moment. The only way I could do that is maybe pay it off with a credit line or other loan and then the lien holder would give me the title, but then my interest rate would be much higher than it is now. So if I am going to be stuck paying for it, it is best to keep the payment I have now. The maintenance is another issue. It is a Jeep Grand Cherokee and she drives a lot. She doesn't have money for that either. I hope the other guy has money to spare for her sake.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get that absolute best deal that you can in the divorce, but be wary -- if she loses the baby or if OM ditches her, she may renege and come after you, claws and all.

If all she wants is for you to take care of the car note, consider yourself lucky and get the divorce done ASAP.

Also check w/ your attorney to make certain that, by virtue of being her husband, you won't be considered the father be default; if so, be prepared to challenge paternity.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Thound said:


> Do you have 401K or ROTH IRA? If so, can you up it?


401K. I have already been running calculations on increasing before tax withdrawals.

She said she would be willing to waive any rights to my existing balance.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Thor said:


> Sorry for your situation.
> 
> Ok, a couple of thoughts on your divorce. First, child support is likely to be automatic. Avoid, if you can, having the money taken by the state from your paycheck. State offices frequently make mistakes, and you are the one who loses no matter what. Your lawyer can advise you on this regarding how it can be done where you live. Some kind of electronic transfer you do yourself would be my choice. There is a record of it in case of dispute, and there is no state functionary to screw anything up. If you and your ex have an account at the same bank or credit union it is super simple to make the online transfer.
> 
> ...



My attorney said the key is to get her to sign waiver of her right to our current assets. Verbally she has agreed to do so but once she sees the information in a legal document, she could have other feelings. She can't afford her own attorney but maybe the boyfriend will offer to pay for one. Who knows. My attorney said child support is not automatic court order if we have a mutual agreement. But I may need to get more details on this.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Get that absolute best deal that you can in the divorce, but be wary -- if she loses the baby or if OM ditches her, she may renege and come after you, claws and all.
> 
> If all she wants is for you to take care of the car note, consider yourself lucky and get the divorce done ASAP.
> 
> Also check w/ your attorney to make certain that, by virtue of being her husband, you won't be considered the father be default; if so, be prepared to challenge paternity.


I live in PA. I think non-contested divorces can be granted during pregnancy but I think if we are married during the birth, then I am declared the father until proven otherwise.

I will discuss with attorney but I would like to pursue a pre-birth paternity test.

Non-contested divorces can be granted 90 days after filing but again, if I get divorced this year I would get screwed on taxes. Just in case I can change my withholding right now to single to minimize the impact. If I get hit hard next year I would have to apply for an installment payment plan.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Listen to your attorney


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

knight185 said:


> I live in PA. I think non-contested divorces can be granted during pregnancy but I think if we are married during the birth, then I am declared the father until proven otherwise.
> 
> I will discuss with attorney but I would like to pursue a pre-birth paternity test.
> 
> Non-contested divorces can be granted 90 days after filing but again, if I get divorced this year I would get screwed on taxes.


Just take the screwing on the taxes. It is worth getting the divorce finalized sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the worse the final outcome will likely be. Since she is not asking for much of anything right now, it is in your favor to get the divorce finalized.

Alimony is a straight deduction from your income, so it reduces your income directly. Your taxes reduce as a result. But, it is cheaper to not pay the alimony in the first place! However, reducing your income can get you qualified for various tax credits such as child care, and can get you below thresholds for things like IRA contributions. $70k is in the ballpark of when things start phasing out. So, depending on a lot of specific details, paying a little alimony might bring you some nice tax credits. But it is quite unlikely to come out ahead all things considered.

Since she is willing to waive any claims to your retirement savings, is asking no alimony, and doesn't want child support, I think you should press for the fastest divorce possible!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Also, it would be worth it imho to borrow from your 401k to pay off the car and title it to her. Again, you could sell the Jeep and purchase a cheaper car. A 401k loan is easy to do, though be aware of the conditions. If you change jobs you have to pay it off immediately. Anyhow, I'd do whatever it took to not have the car in my own name after the divorce.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

The 401k loan is a good point. Problem I just took one out for other debt transfers. I still have room left for a second loan that could pay off the car. My current plan says it allows for installment plans if I lose the job but I need to get full confirmation on the fine print. But it may be worth risk just to separate myself from the liability of being connected to her. 

My car insurance company said if we get divorced she can have her own insurance even if I'm the registered owner but I don't like that option. It would still come to haunt me if her insurance isn't good enough or lapses.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

And in regard to taxes my income is too high to benefit from various tax breaks. Paying alimony would reduce my taxes but not reduce my total out of pocket costs. Will have to max out my pre-tax contributions and take the hit as a single man. I'm hoping she will let me claim our son as an exemption.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

knight185 said:


> I live in PA. I think non-contested divorces can be granted during pregnancy but I think if we are married during the birth, then I am declared the father until proven otherwise.
> 
> I will discuss with attorney but I would like to pursue a pre-birth paternity test.
> 
> Non-contested divorces can be granted 90 days after filing but again, if I get divorced this year I would get screwed on taxes. Just in case I can change my withholding right now to single to minimize the impact. If I get hit hard next year I would have to apply for an installment payment plan.


Taxes are the least of your problems with potential alimony child support payments for years. Your risking big bucks to save a nickel. 

Talk to your lawyer immediately about her pregnancy and your potential liability. In my state for instance the state will grant all sorts of medical benefits to a pregnant woman without question, then turn right around and chase the father for the money. They may grant her all sorts of initial benefits and the moment they find out she is still married they will come hunting for cash to be reimbursed. My brother learned all this the hard way in his first marriage....


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I never gave a woman a second chance. Like men, some will never be happy with one lover/sex partner. I learned the hard way that a healthy dose of mistrust when it comes to sex, is a good policy no matter how much you trust someone. Wives, husbands and even long time best friends, can and will choose sex over all else. I know this from painful experience both personal and observational. My wife and I agree that had we been monogamous, we would have divorced a long time ago. Seems that we both like to have sex with other women from time to time.

Here is some good reading material for spouses who have a cheating partner.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> I never gave a woman a second chance. Like men, some will never be happy with one lover/sex partner. I learned the hard way that a healthy dose of mistrust when it comes to sex, is a good policy no matter how much you trust someone. Wives, husbands and even long time best friends, can and will choose sex over all else. I know this from painful experience both personal and observational. My wife and I agree that had we been monogamous, we would have divorced a long time ago. Seems that we both like to have sex with other women from time to time.
> 
> Here is some good reading material for spouses who have a cheating partner.
> 
> Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


I've come across some people who aren't monogamous. They like the security of home and family but can't live without hooking up with other people. Works out for some, not well for others.

I learned some stuff about my wife after the first affair that I had not known at the time of marriage. Without going into a long story there appears to be a pattern of her using men to get what she wants and needs. When we got married she told me she had several previous partners but nothing serious and that she was tired of playing games and wanted a solid relationship. When I didn't turn out to be that knight in shining armor, she went back to her old ways of seeking out other men. She is very extractive and extroverted, so it wasn't hard at all. Her motives appear to be born out of her abusive upbringing (molestation, rape, exploited by her own father) and not someone who had a stable upbringing but just has purely selfish motives. A history of abuse adds further complexity to the matter.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

knight185 said:


> I've come across some people who aren't monogamous. They like the security of home and family but can't live without hooking up with other people. Works out for some, not well for others.
> 
> I learned some stuff about my wife after the first affair that I had not known at the time of marriage. Without going into a long story there appears to be a pattern of her using men to get what she wants and needs. When we got married she told me she had several previous partners but nothing serious and that she was tired of playing games and wanted a solid relationship. When I didn't turn out to be that knight in shining armor, she went back to her old ways of seeking out other men. She is very extractive and extroverted, so it wasn't hard at all. Her motives appear to be born out of her abusive upbringing (molestation, rape, exploited by her own father) and not someone who had a stable upbringing but just has purely selfish motives. A history of abuse adds further complexity to the matter.


Child sex abuse is one of the top factors correlated to a woman being a cheater. Your experience of her lying about her past and wanting the KISA husband is classic CSA, too. It isn't just a complexity, it is uncurable.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Your attorney is spot on. Get her to agree to all these concessions while she's still feeling guilty and amicable. She could turn on a time, suddenly hostile with you for absolutely no justifiable reason. Even your rejection of her might make her angry, despite the fact that you have every right to do so.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Please sir, by all means engage a lawyer and protect yourself. She is devious, and I would be willing to bet that she may attempt to put you on the birth certificate. Get that divorce on wheels now.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How long can alimony last? In CO, it's 50% of the marriage. Have an attorney calculate it and weigh it against her car payment. Child Support is mandatory and sucks monkey balls. No way around that for a long time! 

I gave my ex the house/equity and her car with 6 months to refinance them in her own name. In return, I got my retirement, truck, and no alimony. 

Just keep telling yourself this after you open each attorney invoice at the beginning of the month... Divorce is expensive because it's f'ing worth it!!!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Adultery waives alimony rights in PA. Seems a open and shut case with her big belly.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I wouldn't worry about this years taxes. If you are married for over half the year, my guess is you could file jointly. 

What is really important is to get the he** out. Money is less relevant.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> I wouldn't worry about this years taxes. If you are married for over half the year, my guess is you could file jointly.


IRS only cares what your marital status is on December 31 of the tax year. You could be married for 363 days and still end up paying single taxes. At this point, regardless of income, take the tax hit if you can secure an agreement that benefits you.

Things to keep in mind on your divorce decree:

- Ensure no alimony is specifically stated and also that it cannot be revisited. 
- Have a good custody schedule laid out in the agreement, include holidays, summers, school holidays, ect. Don't leave any ambiguity.
- ROFR - Right of first refusal with respect to the child. Look it up.
- Have a provision for you to have your son on your taxes at least every other year.

You will never get away from child support, either it will be given or she will eventually ask for it and the state will give it to her. Go ahead and include it in your future plans. Also, make sure to research the paternity laws in your state, don't rely solely on your lawyer. Make sure your stbx's baby is DNA tested, you don't want to be on the hook for 18 years of support to a child that is not yours.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have your **** togehter WAY WAY better than 99.9% of BS's I've ever seen! Good for you. Keep doin what you're doin. My only suggestion is to get STD tested.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Wow 2nd or whatever number affair, get out while she is deluded in thinking OM is going to support her and treat her like a queen.

Tamat


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

knight185 said:


> Even though mentally she is broken and can't stay faithful she at least is trying not to burden me with the finances YET.


Don't do ANYTHING without your lawyer's approval. 

My ex-SIL had an affair on my brother, left with nothing - only to show up 6 months later with a lawyer and took my brother for hundreds of thousands of dollars. He wasn't prepared - because he TRUSTED what she said and hadn't gotten a lawyer - and he got creamed in court.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Wow 2nd or whatever number affair, get out while she is deluded in thinking OM is going to support her and treat her like a queen.
> 
> Tamat


posOM


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

knight185 said:


> I live in PA. I think non-contested divorces can be granted during pregnancy but I think if we are married during the birth, then I am declared the father until proven otherwise.
> 
> I will discuss with attorney but I would like to pursue a pre-birth paternity test.
> 
> Non-contested divorces can be granted 90 days after filing but again, if I get divorced this year I would get screwed on taxes. Just in case I can change my withholding right now to single to minimize the impact. If I get hit hard next year I would have to apply for an installment payment plan.


The screwing you'll take "one time" on taxes is nothing compared to 18 years of child support.

Don't be stupid.


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## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> knight185 said:
> 
> 
> > I live in PA. I think non-contested divorces can be granted during pregnancy but I think if we are married during the birth, then I am declared the father until proven otherwise.
> ...


My attorney said she can always come back after me for child support later on, so that doesn't matter.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Not if you've stayed off the birth certificate by preemptively proving the kid isn't yours


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