# So sad I can't function



## mom876

I have tried to raise my 3 children to be responsible citizens, to make the right choices and to do the right thing. I have tried to lead by example. I must not be doing a very good job.

My daughter who is 23 has experienced so much trouble due to her bad choices. She was arrested for DUI last spring. It was her first. Lost her license. (a relief to me) paid a huge fine and served a short sentence (1 or 2 days) She decided it would be better to start over in a new area so she moved to a different state last Aug. We thought things would be better and they were for awhile. Then in Oct. she tried to keep someone from driving while intoxicated by shoving them over and getting behind the wheel. She hadn't been drinking but still should have used better judgement. She got pulled over for having a light out. Arrested again, this time for driving on a suspended license. 

She never mentioned it to us until she came home for Christmas. She told us the night before she left. She thought she had everything under control with a lawyer to represent her with her making payments to him. I think she wanted to be home for Christmas as it might be her last chance for awhile.

Tonight she calls to tell us that the lawyer wants $2000 upfront and by Wednesday, thats day after tomorrow. She is 10 hrs away from us and we don't have the money anyway. 

Her dad was able to borrow the money from his mom (she's well off but will never let us forget that she loaned it to us)

I don't know if giving her the money for a lawyer is the right thing to do or not. I just couldn't sit by and do nothing and risk her being sentenced to a year in jail. She may be anyway but at least we will know we tried. 

All I can do now is pray for her and for myself to have some peace of mind. If you are willing to include me and my daughter in your prayers, I would certainly appreciate it.


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## Blanca

mom876 said:


> I don't know if giving her the money for a lawyer is the right thing to do or not. I just couldn't sit by and do nothing and risk her being sentenced to a year in jail. She may be anyway but at least we will know we tried.


I dont have kids, but just from my experience going to alanon i've learned that one should not bail anyone out. 

My mom has the same feelings as yourself. She tried to raise us right but certainly feels she has failed. she's also had to bail a kid out of jail, among other things. 

I suffered from the abuse i received from my mom. when i was younger it influenced a lot of choices i made, and my life was pretty difficult b/c of it. i still struggle. but i also realize my mom did the best she could with what she had, and at some point my life becomes my own responsibility. i could sit around and blame her, but that's not going to help. 

the hardest part for me was when i lost my athletic scholarship and was kicked out of college. it was an unbelievably hard lesson to learn, one im still trying to redeem myself of. i do think it was my mom's fault. but that doesnt really matter. If i dont pay the price for it, then i will never learn from it, and i'll never learn what i want out of life. 

I know you feel guilty for some of your daughters mistakes, but at some point you just have to let her take the road she chooses. if you keep bailing her out, and acting responsible for her choices, she'll never learn.


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## mom876

Actually, this is the first time we have given her any money for any of her legal expenses. She paid her fine and her bail on her own in the past. She knows we don't approve of her choices so she knew better than to ask. 

I don't think she would have ever told us she was arrested again if she could have found any other way. She has worked 2 jobs to try to get the money together but couldn't do it and pay rent and living expenses. 

I appreciate your reply and agree with you about making our children responsible for their actions. I just expressed my hopes and expectations to her again on the phone. I hope it takes this time. I hope this is her rock bottom. I hope her life or my grief doesn't get worse. 

It is my hope that her bad judgement in getting behind the wheel instead of letting an intoxicated person drive, may have saved a life or 2 even if it costs her something.


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## sarah.rslp

If everything happened the way your daughter describes it then It really is a horrible set of circumstances which its hard to pick somebody to blame for. Your daughter was put in a rough situation by a friend and at least she tried to exercise some judgement if not make the correct choice.

Likewise there's no real decision for you to make is there? you couldn't let her take the risk of going to court without a decent lawyer I wouldn't wish jail on anybody who doesn't deserve it and your daughter doesn't. I think you made the right choice it sounds like your mother in law is a pain but what can you do really.

Anyway I hope it works out.


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## marina72

Hi there, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am going to suggest something, and I mean absolutely no disrepsect by it at all. But, you said your daughter moved to a different state after her DUI. Are you for sure certain that this story she told you about "pushing another driver out of the way" so she could take the wheel, is true? She only got 2 days and a fine for a DUI, but she's facing a year in jail for a suspended licsense? I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like she might be lying to you. 2000 dollars is an awfully stiff fee, just to go to court on a suspended licsense charge. Not that I don't realize Lawyers charge out the hoo haa for services. But I am only trying to suggest another viewpoint. If you are sure she's not lying, then I would just say, that you did all you could. You shouldn't feel guilty for helping your child, when she needed you. But I will say, that if this pattern of behavior continues, and she gets into more trouble, and you continue to help her, she will never improve. You can't fall into a place where you're actually enabling her. In other words, making it easier for her to keep up this pattern of behavior by bailing her out every time she gets herself in a mess. It might be time for some tough love. In this world today, what with common decency being a thing of the past, no morals, it's now become cool to be as disgusting and inappropriate as is possible, it's no wonder parents have a difficult time raising kids. Even parents that do everything right, and that try their very best to raise good kids, still face challenges like these. Cause at the end of the day, all you can do is instill her with good values, and a sound sense of how to make good decisions, and then let her go. If she can't make that work, then it's not your fault. Pray for her, and I will pray also. Make sure you're not enabling her to continue a destructive lifestyle, and just be there for her as a Mom and friend. That is all you can do. Good luck!


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## marina72

Also, could you maybe go to where she is? How do you know this money is even for a lawyer? What if she needs it to bail herself out of a situation, like something having to do with drugs? I am not trying to stress you out even more, but you must investigate all possibilities. If she maybe has a problem with alchohol, then drugs might be her next bad choice. I have to say, that I would not send her any more money, unless you can be absolutely certain that she is not using it for something other than what she claims she is. And again, if she gets into more legal trouble because of alchohol or anything else, I would let her on her own for a while, to learn a hard life lesson. Please don't take this as being mean, I am only trying to help you consider all possibilities.


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## mom876

I know the money is for a lawyer because I just went through 30 mins of the lawyers office on one phone and the bank on the cell phone trying to get the $2000 paid. It is paid and her hearing is at 11:00. Eveidently the driving on a suspended license is much more serious there than it is here. She thought it was a max 45 days but it could be up to 12 months there.

Thank you for your prayers. I have put it into Gods hands and am praying for the best.


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## marina72

Well, that's too bad, but it's good that you're certain of what is going on. That's a stiff penalty for a suspended liscense. God can do wonderful things. And so, all you can really do is look to him. I will be thinking of you and yours. Take care.


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## mom876

Thanks, My daughter is one of those people who will get caught the first time and every time she breaks a rule or law. She has always been honest about her troubles with us and the police. She didn't have a lawyer when she went to court for the DUI. I am not even sure she was intoxicated. She was arrested when she ran off the road on a curve at a set of RR tracks. It was 2:00 AM in front on the police station of all places. She thought she had a flat tire and called us so her dad could come help her change it. The police showed up and she freaked out crying(she is on meds for a panic disorder) The police officer asked her if she had been drinking and she said she has a couple of beers. I was on the phone with her at the time. She didn't have a breathalizer and I never saw the results of the blood test. So I don't know if she was legally intoxicated or not.
She never asked us to get a lawyer for her then and chose to plead guilty after talking to the public defender. 

I am hoping that whatever happens today will ultimately be the best thing for her. 

I want to see her lead a long and productive and happy life.


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## GAsoccerman

Sorry for the bad luck...

Sounds like your daughter had some bad luck.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and we could always say " what if, or you should ahve done..."

but that is not what happened.

Not sure what state you are in or where your daughter is now, but you should have read up on the laws of both states. Like in Georgia you can ahve the DUI removed if you meet certain criteria after a period of time.

Hopefully her lawyer can get the charged changed to something less serious.

I understand she was trying to dot he right thing with her friend. But driving without a license is always a bad move. I am surprised the cop gave her a ticket, but some cops are that way.

I really do not see your daughter as a bad person or a failure, she made some mistakes, and it happens.

She is going through a tough time and needs th love of her parents, give her support and show her that you love her immensley, which I am sure she see's.

but she is not a failure, nor are you. She just mad a couple of mistakes, it could be far worse.


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## mom876

Thanks. I posted an update in new thread. I am feeling a bit better.


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