# Husband's Infidelity



## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I have been married for 16 years and have 2 kids. About 7 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with a family friend's daughter. He claimed he had not slept with her, but I do not know for sure. Then a few days later, I also discovered that he had slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam and regularly had sex chats with girls on the net. He apologised profusely and after a while we tried to move on. In the following years, I suspected him of speaking to girls late in the night, and caught him doing that once or twice. He became extremely violent and abusive. Last year, he planned a trip to Amsterdam with his guy friends without telling me. When I found out, he accused me of spying on him and became very violent, and hurt me physically before leaving for his trip. I went back to my parents for a while and then returned again. In November last year, I started chatting with an old boyfriend of mine which continued for 2 months. During this period, I was very depressed and my husband was barely on talking terms with me. However, after 2 months, my ex-boyfriend and I decided to not talk anymore and concentrate on the marriage. My husband came to know of this in March and was extremely angry and accused me of having an affair and sleeping with my ex. 

Now, I discovered that my husband was browsing escort sites on a trip to London, and his phone bills show that he called the escort service number 4-5 times. He was also carrying enough cash with him to afford paying for this. When I confronted him, he said that he never actually called anyone and was just fantasizing. He accuses me of regularly spying on him and making his life miserable. What should I do? Should I believe him?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry your are here. You really don't need your question answered. You know the truth already. He is a serial cheater and an abuser and you need out now. Please seek local help ASAP.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I am new here and am very confused, KanDo. After being with him for so many years and for the sake of the children (who are still small) I wanted to give him another chance. But reading about other people here, makes me really sad. It seems this is an addiction with him. He uses all the ways he can for gaslighting me. He shifts the blame every time to me completely.

Even now, he says that if I keep digging and spying on him, I shall never let this relationship work. But should I believe him when he says he never really went through with actually using the escort service?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

totallysad said:


> About 7 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with a family friend's daughter. He claimed he had not slept with her, but I do not know for sure. Then a few days later, I also discovered that he had slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam and regularly had sex chats with girls on the net. He apologised profusely In the following years, I suspected him of speaking to girls late in the night, and caught him doing that once or twice. He became extremely violent and abusive. Last year, he planned a trip to Amsterdam with his guy friends without telling me. When I found out,he accused me of spying on him and became very violent, and hurt me physically before leaving for his trip. I went back to my parents for a while and then returned again.
> 
> Now, I discovered that my husband was browsing escort sites on a trip to London, and his phone bills show that he called the escort service number 4-5 times. He was also carrying enough cash with him to afford paying for this. When I confronted him, he said that he never actually called anyone and was just fantasizing. He accuses me of regularly spying on him and making his life miserable. What should I do? Should I believe him?


 No you shouldn't believe him, He has lied over & over. He has showed you who he is. Believe him on that. After you caught him the first time if he was going to stop he would have. I'm sorry you're here, But I think you deserve better. Please don't stay with a man that will hurt you physically & emotionally. My advice would be to get away from him before he hurts you again.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This sounds quite similar to a story very recently posted. 

No, don't believe him. 

And divorce him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Divorce him.

Since he is violent be sure to have police around when he is served.

You want your kids around this guy??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

totallysad said:


> I am new here and am very confused, KanDo. After being with him for so many years and for the sake of the children (who are still small) I wanted to give him another chance. But reading about other people here, makes me really sad. It seems this is an addiction with him. He uses all the ways he can for gaslighting me. He shifts the blame every time to me completely.
> 
> Even now, he says that if I keep digging and spying on him, I shall never let this relationship work. But should I believe him when he says he never really went through with actually using the escort service?


I feel sad for you, but i also need to be honest i cant see him changing at all escort sites/ the trip to Amsterdam and the cheating previously just leaves me thinking this guy will not change.

Its sad you have young children also, but staying for the children is never a good idea in my opinion of course... children can do well and still be loved and looked after by both parents separately too you do not have stay together, and you deserve someone that is going to stay faithful to you:frown2:

Your not to blame for the cheating as there is just never a reason for it.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I am so relieved that you said that I am not to be blamed for the cheating. Every time, I feel as if there is something that I should have done differently so that he stopped doing this.

When I found out about him the first time, I came to know that he had been chatting, video calling and meeting with this girl for over 6 years. At first, he said he wasn't serious, but then later admitted to all the things his chats already proved. I found about the cheating in Amsterdam because he made a video from his camera which I found. Till today he says that he was just visiting a red light area and did not really have a girl in his room. And I could see her boots and bag lying around in the room.

Now he says he only fantasised about the escorts in London and didn't actually do anything. He only admits to things which I already have proof for. But now, I have no way of knowing if he actually met the escort. He made calls to her from his phone, which he says were only to excite him. Is that possible? Would calling an escort service give him access to phone sex?

I can't live with not knowing. With the thinking that perhaps I am assuming something which hasn't happened. He keeps telling me that I create a mountain out of a molehill. That I blow everything out of proportion.

I know divorce is the best option, but I just can't get the strength to file. I feel really scared to leave, and making the kids go through all this. Just not being able to decide!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I vote for divorce also. Don't be co-dependent on an abusive prick. Priorities are you and the kids, not someone like that who isn't worth the time.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Even if (which I don't believe for a second) he was only fantasizing about women and didn't actually see or sleep with any of them, that is still really shady behavior. 

It's completely disgusting and not how a husband should act. Divorce.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

Thanks a lot for all the help. I feel I am able to think more clearly about this. After nearly 15 years of always doubting myself and trying to give the benefit of doubt to my H, I know I have to finally do something about it.

Would therapy be an alternative to jumping to divorce? Should I try and make him see a MC?


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

totallysad said:


> I am so relieved that you said that I am not to be blamed for the cheating. Every time, I feel as if there is something that I should have done differently so that he stopped doing this.
> 
> When I found out about him the first time, I came to know that he had been chatting, video calling and meeting with this girl for over 6 years. At first, he said he wasn't serious, but then later admitted to all the things his chats already proved. I found about the cheating in Amsterdam because he made a video from his camera which I found. Till today he says that he was just visiting a red light area and did not really have a girl in his room. And I could see her boots and bag lying around in the room.
> 
> ...


Cheaters tend to trickle-truth.. they'll only admit up to the limit of what you know. Assume there's more, especially because after getting caught he shows no remorse.

You know, I know, and we all know that this sort of secrecy is not what a healthy marriage is like. It's not your fault to want to know these things, and you're not being unreasonable. An unrepentant cheater is going to play the victim on things like this, just to see if you bite, so they can continue to have day-to-day needs met by their spouse and still have their impulses met by their lovers.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

totallysad said:


> I am so relieved that you said that I am not to be blamed for the cheating. Every time, I feel as if there is something that I should have done differently so that he stopped doing this.
> 
> When I found out about him the first time, I came to know that he had been chatting, video calling and meeting with this girl for over 6 years. At first, he said he wasn't serious, but then later admitted to all the things his chats already proved. I found about the cheating in Amsterdam because he made a video from his camera which I found. Till today he says that he was just visiting a red light area and did not really have a girl in his room. And I could see her boots and bag lying around in the room.
> 
> ...


Of course your not, and you should not think like that either. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. From what i see you've not neglected him, nor his needs there is no reason not that there is any reason any way to cheat.... as there are things you can do if your unhappy.

So it was not even a fling with this girl, it was not a one night stand it was a 6 year affair with her?... your husband has not made one mistake hes made choices and there is always a choice, I also think divorce is the option and i personally would have done it a long time.

A mountain out of a molehill is he serious??:surprise:.... no way, hes a cheat, and hes a liar. Please do not stay you deserve so much better. Mel


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

totallysad said:


> I have been married for 16 years and have 2 kids. About 7 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with a family friend's daughter. He claimed he had not slept with her, but I do not know for sure. Then a few days later, I also discovered that he had slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam and regularly had sex chats with girls on the net. He apologised profusely and after a while we tried to move on. In the following years, I suspected him of speaking to girls late in the night, and caught him doing that once or twice. He became extremely violent and abusive. Last year, he planned a trip to Amsterdam with his guy friends without telling me. When I found out, he accused me of spying on him and became very violent, and hurt me physically before leaving for his trip. I went back to my parents for a while and then returned again. In November last year, I started chatting with an old boyfriend of mine which continued for 2 months. During this period, I was very depressed and my husband was barely on talking terms with me. However, after 2 months, my ex-boyfriend and I decided to not talk anymore and concentrate on the marriage. My husband came to know of this in March and was extremely angry and accused me of having an affair and sleeping with my ex.
> 
> Now, I discovered that my husband was browsing escort sites on a trip to London, and his phone bills show that he called the escort service number 4-5 times. He was also carrying enough cash with him to afford paying for this. When I confronted him, he said that he never actually called anyone and was just fantasizing. He accuses me of regularly spying on him and making his life miserable. What should I do? Should I believe him?





totallysad said:


> Thanks a lot for all the help. I feel I am able to think more clearly about this. After nearly 15 years of always doubting myself and trying to give the benefit of doubt to my H, I know I have to finally do something about it.
> 
> *Would therapy be an alternative to jumping to divorce? Should I try and make him see a MC?*


Dear totallysad,

While I am inclined to agree with the other that divorce is your best course of action, especially given his continuing to physically abuse you, if you want to try something else first, I would suggest that you tell him he must start seeing a sex addiction counselor and get help for his violent behavior.

If he agrees to do these things, starts immediately and gives you reason to believe that he may change (you should insist on frequent updates from his counselor(s)), then perhaps there is hope for your marriage.

But I think it a very long shot and urge you not to do anything that puts you in danger of suffering further physical abuse.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Having been in your exact shoes a number of years ago..... You can't fix him nor will he change except to become more sneaky. Dealing with this will only hurt you, I am still dealing with the aftermath of cheating. Please get get checked for STD's, condoms don't alway protect. Stop sleeping with him! Dig deep, save yourself and your children from this sick man. Divorce him. It can be done... I was married 16 year with two kids. When I found out what my husband had been doing I filed for divorce ASAP and 60 days later I was divorced. My kids did fine and are now productive adults. I am still not 100% alright but I am dealing. PM me if you would like. My thoughts are with you and I am sorry you married a serial cheater. You ARE not to blame.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Please get individual counseling!

Your husband is a serial cheater that physically harms you!

LEAVE HIM!!!!

You are very messed up to be asking the silly questions that you are in light of his behavior.

Get help!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

First I would say that no, you shouldn't believe him. It's very common for someone who has broken marital rules like this to go the "You're violating my right to privacy" or "You're just trying to control me" route. It's all nonsense. Further, once a spouse has cheated, they should lose that right to privacy anyway, at least for a long while.

Second, even though I fully believe that your husband has been lying and cheating on you, I would never ever (especially here online, where we know so very little about the big picture that is your marriage) suggest that you go straight to a divorce decision. We're not experts, and again, we know VERY LITTLE about your marriage, so none of us are qualified to say something like, "You should go divorce him asap!" or something similar. And honestly, even if we were professional marriage counselors and knew both of your life stories, I still think the best recommendation would be that you do give counseling a try first. Ultimately, you don't want to make ANY major life decision hastily or without as much information in hand as possible. So yes, please do consider marital counseling, or if he isn't willing to participate, then consider individual counseling for yourself to get help with this decision and how to go about solving these issues. (One way or another)

One caveat however. If he is violent with you or your children, you should not hesitate to remove yourself and your children from the situation. That doesn't mean go to the courthouse to file for divorce, that means go to stay with a friend or family member, or seek assistance as a women's shelter of some kind. Immediately, no hesitation. Then once you have somewhat stabilized your living situation for yourself and your kids, I'd especially still advise counseling of some kind.

Ultimately, you may choose to file for divorce, that may be the best remaining option. With that said, keep in mind that this doesn't necessarily mean you have to go through with the divorce. It may not be common, and a lot of folks here who have been burned by troubled ex's might not agree, but people CAN change. They CAN change if they want to, but often times they aren't going to want to until their spouse forces them to make that decision by delivering a wake-up call that the status quo is unacceptable and will not be permitted to continue. Being served with divorce papers is often one heck of a wake-up call.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> One caveat however. If he is violent with you or your children, you should not hesitate to remove yourself and your children from the situation. That doesn't mean go to the courthouse to file for divorce, that means go to stay with a friend or family member, or seek assistance as a women's shelter of some kind. Immediately, no hesitation. Then once you have somewhat stabilized your living situation for yourself and your kids, I'd especially still advise counseling of some kind.
> 
> Ultimately, you may choose to file for divorce, that may be the best remaining option. With that said, keep in mind that this doesn't necessarily mean you have to go through with the divorce. It may not be common, and a lot of folks here who have been burned by troubled ex's might not agree, but people CAN change. They CAN change if they want to, but often times they aren't going to want to until their spouse forces them to make that decision by delivering a wake-up call that the status quo is unacceptable and will not be permitted to continue. Being served with divorce papers is often one heck of a wake-up call.


I am incredibly thankful for all the help and advice here!

Last year, when he assaulted me physically when I objected to his Amsterdam trip, I eventually went to stay with my parents for a while. Immediately after the assault, he left for the trip and I had to stay back as we were taking care of extremely ill mother. So I left after nearly a month. That said, he has NEVER been physically abusive of the children, although his relation with them is a little distant.

Currently, he is travelling so I have a little time to think about how I want to handle this. Although he has agreed to talk about this when he gets back, generally he is very busy with his work and doesn't want to discuss much else. I haven't mentioned earlier that I have also been working with him for the business for many years now and handle and head key areas there. He is a very capable at his work and externally no one would associate this kind of behaviour with him.

I have thought about divorce many times also, but I am also holding out in the hope that he MAY change. But I see totally what you are saying about a wake up call. There has to be a 'now or never' decision that he has to make it our relationship is to continue. I am just trying to brace myself for talking to him when he gets back.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Opinion are all that can be given here in cyberspace. Some are certainly better than others. IC is an excellent recommendation. However, someone that cheats like your husband is not likely to change. I guess you have to do the best you can with what you have. I myself only wish you the best and peace.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

On the face of it your husband is both an emotional and physical abuser who has never had to account for his actions or suffer any consequences because you chose to stay in the relationship. You are not to blame for his behaviour and have no control over his actions, however, we sometimes teach our spouses how to treat us and you have allowed him to get away with far too much.

16 years is a long investment in a marriage but at what cost? He obviously has no respect for you, walks all over your boundaries and probably because he is successful, has a certain feeling of entitlement. If your marriage is going to work you both need professional help, you for the emotional and physical abuse, he for his cheating ways.

You have probably been covering for his behaviour as you said people outside would never associate him with cheating, sex workers, etc. That has to stop. You need to expose him for what he is to your family, his family and friends. He will not be accountable to you as he doesn't have to be, there are no consequences but he will be accountable when his actions are under a brighter spotlight. So first of all stop covering for his bad behaviour, if he loses friends, loses respect, then that is the consequences of his behaviour. He will be angry, let him.

Surround yourself with trustworthy family members or friends to get through this.

If he physically comes after you again, report him to the police, you need to show him you mean business. You tell him you love him but you will no longer tolerate any of this in the marriage.

He has two choices, counselling IC and MC or divorce. You do not need the trauma he brings into your life and although the kids are small, it will affect them in many ways too. He will still have to support you and the children financially if your divorce. Time for you to take control of your situation and take action. You can do this, you do not have to be afraid.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I have been reading a lot of the other threads, and cannot believe how similar my husband's behaviour is to other cheaters. All this time, I have just kept the hope alive that this would be the last time that he has done something like this, and shall now turn over a new leaf.

Marriage was a big commitment, and after having stayed in this for so many years, I am just trying to find a way to salvage it somehow. But it's come to a point, where I have begun to doubt myself each time. I am not sure at all about my thinking, and keep seeking someone's opinion, mostly my husband's.

Before I got married to him, I used to be a 'headstrong' girl, always knowing my mind and confident of what I wanted to do. Now, I keep thinking if I am the one who is too jealous or suspicious. For years, I kept thinking that my suspicions about that girl (family friend's daughter) were unfounded. When she would come over, my husband would be totally in to her, and I was told that I am not treating a guest properly. But when I found out about the affair and my husband admitted (which was when our younger son was barely a year old), I was so shocked!! I never thought this could happen to me! But he apologised, teared up, went down on his knees and I felt I had to give this another chance.

This time, again I feel my mind is playing games with me. With all the evidence, my brain says there is no way he would not have availed of the escort service. But he claims that he was only fantasising. And then I feel that I can't chuck my marriage just on a suspicion. 

Confronting him head on is a also a little scary due to his past behaviour where he becomes very aggressive (he kept throwing me against the wall and floor, pulling my hair, put his hands on my neck and so on...). I wish there was some way to know for sure, I know this is crazy. With such a history, I should just keep my chin up and walk out...but I have begun to doubt myself so much, I don't want to live with a crazy feeling that I didn't try harder!! Please help me!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Totally Sad. Do you recognise youself in the link I provide here?

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/abuse_victim_characteristics.html

Why Domestic Abuse Victims Stay

I believe you are in an abusive relationship. You need to seek help from a counselor so that you become strong enough to move on from him. When you confront him have a good friend or family member there. He has been gas lighting and blame-shifting for years, this is why you doubt yourself so much, your sanity, your version of reality because he makes you think that you have the problem with jealousy, questioning him, etc. All classic abuser stuff. The tear in his eye, the begging all insincere cause he goes and does it again. He doesn't have any empathy or respect for you.

You do not need any more information to be sure, this is just your way of making excuses for him. He's seeking escorts, etc you know enough. This is not the way a good married man acts. How much more evidence do you need?


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

Dear aine,

Thank you for try advice and the links. What you are saying is absolutely true. I can totally see myself in the second link.

I have to just figure out how to do this...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

cdbaker;13599778.....
Second said:


> Total hogwash! No one should accept physical abuse from a spouse EVER! That is the Big Picture irrespective of whether infidelity was occurring or not. Secondly, the *repeated* disrespect shown by these supposed fantasy events that have lead you to considerable psychic angst are also reason enough to get out. You will never find a happy relationship with this man. Finally, wake up. He really is cheating on you.
> 
> Please seek competent help ASAP. Violent domestic partners can escalate their attacks.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

KanDo said:


> Total hogwash! No one should accept physical abuse from a spouse EVER! That is the Big Picture irrespective of whether infidelity was occurring or not. Secondly, the *repeated* disrespect shown by these supposed fantasy events that have lead you to considerable psychic angst are also reason enough to get out. You will never find a happy relationship with this man. Finally, wake up. He really is cheating on you.
> 
> Please seek competent help ASAP. Violent domestic partners can escalate their attacks.


KanDo, you have to understand what I am saying. We get only one, very limited side of the story on forums like this. I'm sure the OP could write a short book about the history of her marriage, her and her husband's upbringing, etc. We don't know what her cultural or spiritual values are. Most of us are also not licensed therapists either. In short, we're simply not qualified to directly tell someone to make a massive life-altering decision like divorce. That's all I'm really saying.

I'm certainly not saying that she shouldn't consider it, or that she doesn't have good justification for it. I also believe that people can change if they are given the proper motivation, so I'm the type who feels that there is always hope, however little there may be.

I just wouldn't want to read one tiny piece of someone's life and be the springboard for encouraging that person to break apart their family, and then find out that there was much more to the story than I knew.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> KanDo, you have to understand what I am saying. We get only one, very limited side of the story on forums like this. I'm sure the OP could write a short book about the history of her marriage, her and her husband's upbringing, etc. We don't know what her cultural or spiritual values are. Most of us are also not licensed therapists either. In short, we're simply not qualified to directly tell someone to make a massive life-altering decision like divorce. That's all I'm really saying.
> 
> I'm certainly not saying that she shouldn't consider it, or that she doesn't have good justification for it. I also believe that people can change if they are given the proper motivation, so I'm the type who feels that there is always hope, however little there may be.
> 
> I just wouldn't want to read one tiny piece of someone's life and be the springboard for encouraging that person to break apart their family, and then find out that there was much more to the story than I knew.


Dear cdbaker,

I really appreciate what you are saying. Even though I have tried to state the facts without any bias, there is a lot of history which I can't fully explain in such a forum. And you are SO right when you say that my husband's upbringing might have a big role in this. His father has always been a very distant and authoritative figure, and his mother catered to his every need without voicing any of her own. That is why, I feel, he doesn't have much of a relation with the children also.

Well the update is that my H is back from his trip and is being very sweet and considerate. And currently I am too confused myself to bring up any discussion about this. I am just trying to stay clear of any intimate conversation or contact. But I am not sure how long this can go on. And I know from experience that after a while he will run out of patience for my behaviour and expect me to become normal.

Assuming I want to give this marriage one last shot, for my sake and the sake of my two lovely children, what should I really talk to him about? Should I trust him to make any commitments or promises?


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

He has been back for a day and a half, and we haven't talked about this yet. He is being quite attentive of me, but that makes me all the more nervous about broaching the topic...


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Tough call.

Honestly if he's been violent in the past when he has been "caught" red handed, I would probably say it would be best to confront him with a counselor of some kind if possible. I don't know if I'd want to risk it with him alone, and I think you'd want to have some kind of backup living arrangements made for you and your kids just in case. Have you gathered all the evidence you could possible get? It's always helpful to have as much as possible so as to make it impossible for him to come up with excuses and try to explain everything away.

Remember that "right to privacy" or "You're trying to control me" excuses are complete and utter nonsense when he is cheating. I remember the same thing happened when I busted my wife, one of her first responses was to angrily say, "You went through my stuff?!?!" The bottom line is it doesn't matter how you found out. That is a silly excuse that is meant to redirect blame.

Ultimately once you have gathered everything you can possibly get, I think he just needs to be confronted, and for it to be made crystal clear that you won't put up with this sort of thing. Usually, for best results, I think you need to basically be prepared to walk away right then and there. Basically just to make clear to him that you mean it, and you haven't even decided yet if you are willing to give him another chance or not. He needs to feel that bit of panic, that need to do something major right away to prevent his marriage from crumbling, to fear that it might already be over, etc.

One thing I'm wondering about... Even if he were to react rationally and acknowledge his failures and commit to making changes... I can't imagine how he could continue to go on trips to Amsterdam or other type long-term trips without giving into temptations. Does he have to travel like that for his job? Is there a way he could stop doing those kinds of trips?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let me put this as succinctly as I can: When I signed up for marriage, I gave express permission for my W to investigate me nine ways to Sunday, and vice-versa! There is no spying going on without some element of probable cause!

That being said, divorce home! You deserve far better than his deception and lies!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Totally Sad

First and foremost you tell him he has twenty four hours to find IC for his hitting you. Period. No man hits a woman, I went through this with my grandmother, do not tolerate physical abuse. If he gets angry, leave, go to a police station or hospital. They have domestic abuse shelters and information on how to protect yourself and children. 

This won't go away on its own, he needs help and you must demand that he go. I have been involved in many domestic abuse situations and they only get worse, unless he gets help. You have no comprehension to safely say that he won't harm the children. The fact he is not attached to them is your biggest warning sign. He will most likely harm them to hurt you more. This is why it's imperative that you either leave or he gets help. 

As for saving your marriage, one step at a time, save your life first. Then decide if you can salvage the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

totallysad said:


> Dear cdbaker,
> 
> I really appreciate what you are saying. Even though I have tried to state the facts without any bias, there is a lot of history which I can't fully explain in such a forum. And you are SO right when you say that my husband's upbringing might have a big role in this. His father has always been a very distant and authoritative figure, and his mother catered to his every need without voicing any of her own. That is why, I feel, he doesn't have much of a relation with the children also.
> 
> ...


Dear totallysad,

First, understand that, based on what you've told us about your H and especially how long and how badly he has misbehaved, the odds of him changing significantly for the better would seem to be very low.

Second, the only way that there could be any hope of him changing would be if you were to end the relationship as it presently exists and tell him that he has to earn his way back in to a relationship with you. One way to accomplish this would be to file for D. Another way would be to kick him out of the house. In either case, you would then wait to see how he reacted before deciding what to do next. If he reacted angrily, then you would proceed to end the marriage. If he reacted penitently, you would then tell him what he would have to do to save the marriage. 

Three, under no circumstances should you trust him. Rather, if you want to give him one last chance, your goal should be to see if there is strong evidence of him wanting to change and if, based upon his actions not his words, you thought there might be, to set the terms and conditions for your giving him another chance.

Four, given that he has been violent in the past, I would strongly recommend that you have a family member or close friend with you if and when you have such a conversation with your H, and that you have lined up a safe place to go if things go badly.

I wish you well.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TotallySad, 

You should not be totally sad, but totally angry instead. You are getting some great advice here. The only thing I can add is that you deserve better than to be cheated on and lied to. Don't think about trying to change him, it's not going to happen unless he faces consequences for his actions. Thane the children and leave him. Take all the evidence you have of his infidelity and let everyone in both of your lives know why you left him. Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you with such disrespect. Seek the support of family first, then friends. 

If he ever touches you ever again, have him arrested. Finally, you have nothing to fell guilty about talking to your ex; your husband already broke the marriage contract with his infidelity.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

Thank you for all the support and advice. Sometimes, I feel like such a loser for not being able to take that step towards a D. I have read the excuses that a betrayed spouse comes up with to stay with the guilty ones...and know that I offer myself a number of them! But still can't see them for what they are - just excuses.

After he came back from his trip, he finally talked about the incident - but all he has said is that he doesn't want to talk about it yet. He says he realises he has been making a lot of mistakes the way he is living his life. He said that he couldn't have asked for a better partner than me (don't even know if I should believe that) and that he is going to start making amends. But before we discuss his infidelity, he wants time to build my trust in other aspects of our life. Honestly, what choice do I have but to accept this right now? Otherwise I have to think about leaving.

So currently things are smooth, I stay distant, and he is trying to be more attentive to the children and me. But is this just another tactic to postpone the conversation, till it becomes less important?

And yes, his job involves lot of travelling...in fact he is already planning his next trip...so there is no way I can expect him to avoid that - whether or not it would be another opportunity for him to cheat again - I don't know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

totallysad said:


> Thank you for all the support and advice. Sometimes, I feel like such a loser for not being able to take that step towards a D. I have read the excuses that a betrayed spouse comes up with to stay with the guilty ones...and know that I offer myself a number of them! But still can't see them for what they are - just excuses.
> 
> After he came back from his trip, he finally talked about the incident - but all he has said is that he doesn't want to talk about it yet. He says he realises he has been making a lot of mistakes the way he is living his life. He said that he couldn't have asked for a better partner than me (don't even know if I should believe that) and that he is going to start making amends. But before we discuss his infidelity, he wants time to build my trust in other aspects of our life. Honestly, what choice do I have but to accept this right now? Otherwise I have to think about leaving.
> 
> ...


He is manipulating you, refusing to deal with his cheating except on his terms. Keep emotionally detaching from him. Ask for MC, if he refuses consider D. He is not going to change, you know it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

His first cheating incident was 7 years ago. Then he peppered the trail with more indiscretions over the years. He will not change. Past behavior is an indicator for future behavior. His track record is horrible.

But my main concern for you is the physical violence. This is not acceptable. I know. I was in it for 12 years. 

I urge you to get tested for STDs immediately.

Ask yourself if you want this type of role model for your children? Do you want them to think this is the way a healthy relationship is?

There is absolutely no excuse for physical violence.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

totallysad said:


> Thank you for all the support and advice. Sometimes, I feel like such a loser for not being able to take that step towards a D. I have read the excuses that a betrayed spouse comes up with to stay with the guilty ones...and know that I offer myself a number of them! But still can't see them for what they are - just excuses.
> 
> After he came back from his trip, he finally talked about the incident - but all he has said is that he doesn't want to talk about it yet. He says he realises he has been making a lot of mistakes the way he is living his life. He said that he couldn't have asked for a better partner than me (don't even know if I should believe that) and that he is going to start making amends. But before we discuss his infidelity, he wants time to build my trust in other aspects of our life. *Honestly, what choice do I have but to accept this right now? Otherwise I have to think about leaving.*
> 
> ...


Seriously? How about kicking him out and filing for divorce?

What you seem not to understand, ts, is that, until you give him serious consequences for his actions, he has no reason to change. Your only hope for saving your marriage is to give him a wake call he'll never forget.

By letting him dictate the terms of your reconciliation, you guarantee that it will fail.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Perhaps someone could answer a related question. I went to a restaurant, the food was lousy, they charged 250, and when I complained, they said a wait spit in my food. When I came back a second time, I found that my credit card had been stolen and caught listeria. Do you think I should go back and how you would address the problems. Maybe there are smarter people people here but I don't understand the possible appeal of a repetitive cheater who may have contract disease and beats you up when you note this or undertake some reasonable precautions. 

Do you happen to leave out something from the post. Are you getting 15-20,000 allowance each month. Are you situated in Saudi Arabia. Maybe someone else can explain why anyone would stay under such circumstances.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He is a repetitive cheater and hit you when you question him. Is these a question about your right to leave?


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Please, seek some help from an abused woman's shelter or resource locally. He is being sweet to you now, but he has hurt you before and he will again. It is only a matter of time. For your childrens' sake, please seek help. He could kill you next time, or even worse, hurt your children. You don't want your children to live with that. Seek help from a professional who can help you to get away from him safely with your kids. Don't even talk about reconciling at all while you are together, I would leave immediately. If you want to save your marriage, do this first and then reconcile while you are apart. A professional will know what needs to be done to R if that is what you truly want. Even if on the off chance he doesn't become violent again, you will never be able to have a voice in your relationship because he has taken that from you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you're here but glad you found us. 

Serial cheating is problematic.

But abuse and violence of that level? 

You should divorce the cad!

You say you have children. What ages are they?

Is he abusive or violent to them?

Has he abused you or hurt you in front of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Totally sad,

I am so sorry you are here. NONE of this is your fault! If I could reach out and hug you I would. 

You are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. You have been beaten down to the point that you have no self worth and cannot recognize the gravity of your situation. Please recognize that you aren't thinking clearly. It is called "battered wife syndrome". Google it then erase your history. Start living like he is the enemy and can never be trusted. Don't let him know. Cover your tracks. 

The physical abuse takes precedence over the infidelity right now. You need to focus on a way to make you and your children safe. He has made you feel like YOU are ultimately at fault for the violence and cheating and then comes full circle to show you how sweet and considerate he can be towards you. This is an abusive cycle. It WILL continue to happen and escalate. He will continue to hurt you and blame you for for making him hurt you. You will become increasingly helpless, depressed, and indecisive.

He becomes repentant and a honeymoon phase sets in and convinces you he is remorseful and it will never happen again. It will. He cannot change without professional help and I don't know how often that is successful. You need to get into IC that specializes in domestic abuse. They will help you break through your fog, build up your self esteem and make a plan to protect yourself. 

You are in way over your head.

You can NOT do this on your own. You need the help of a professional. Go to your doctor for an unrelated matter and tell him/her what is going on and ask to be referred to IC that has knowledge in this area. Do NOT tell your husband. Ask a trusted friend or family member who can keep their mouth shut or to help you make these first few steps. You and your children are in the greatest danger for the period of time right after you leave. 

This is NOT about infidelity. This is about violence and keeping you and your children safe.
The infidelity is just another form of abuse in this marriage. 
I wish you luck and I pray that you can find the strength to take action.
Keep posting - this is a supportive community.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

Bobby5000 said:


> Perhaps someone could answer a related question. I went to a restaurant, the food was lousy, they charged 250, and when I complained, they said a wait spit in my food. When I came back a second time, I found that my credit card had been stolen and caught listeria. Do you think I should go back and how you would address the problems. Maybe there are smarter people people here but I don't understand the possible appeal of a repetitive cheater who may have contract disease and beats you up when you note this or undertake some reasonable precautions.
> 
> Do you happen to leave out something from the post. Are you getting 15-20,000 allowance each month. Are you situated in Saudi Arabia. Maybe someone else can explain why anyone would stay under such circumstances.


I know what you are saying, but for me it's just not that simple. More than 15-20,000 allowances and social circumstances, my children are extremely important to me. And if for their benefit, if I have to stick around a little longer, or even try to give this another shot, I will definitely try. But I am not trying to be a martyr and saying that everything I am doing is for the kids only. I know that for my sake as well, I shall have to think this through once and for all. I can't keep crying "wolf" every time and then expect help.

It's not as if I haven't left him in the past. I have walked out on him a number of times, and for some reason or the other, have always had to come back. Honestly, what people around me seem to say is, "Just make sure he promises he won't do this again" and then he goes and does it one more time. And there is always that little shadow of doubt - did he, didn't he? And that's when I have chats, videos, phone records, even some of his own admissions...sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think that this is the nightmare...and if I close my eyes again, maybe this will all be over.

I don't know, maybe I am just rambling again...I have tried to get him to talk about the incident 2 times in the last week, and he says he has just too much on his mind, too many things at work, and we'll talk later. I know he is avoiding it...and for the time being, I am letting him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

We all have choices to make and they often include how we let others treat us.

Internally we weigh the 'costs' versus 'benefits' of staying in a particular situation.

Only when that situation becomes intolerable i.e. the 'costs' begin to outweigh the 'benefits' do we take action.
it appears you are not quite at that tipping point. However, you must also consider whether you can change the tipping point in your favour,
for example can you get a job, what are the alternatives available, think outside the box. If you divorce him, he will have to support the kids anyhow

You do not want to look back and regret not having taken action sooner than later.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Kick him to the curb like yesterday. And I say this as an adulterer myself (who is successfully reconciling). He has exhibited no remorse whatsoever and is obfuscating, lying, and attempting to draw the attention away from his actions. Serve him...now. I send you my best. *hug*


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I agree with what you are saying, Aine. As a wife, I don't think there is any doubt in the costs vs benefits evaluation. But when I think as a mother, and as someone's daughter as well, I become unsure. It's also not knowing what's on the other side...I keep thinking, "I know this is so painful, and sometimes I feel that anything would be better than a life like this" and then I think, "What if, I left him and life became even worse?"

I already work, sometimes pretty long hours and the kids (both boys) and I have some pretty happy moments together. So when I chose to pretend that things are okay in the marriage, life is good. It's just when I start to think of how many times I have been taken for a ride, how many times he has lied to me, and how he is always going to need something else apart from this marriage, that I feel like breaking down. I just keep asking myself, "When will it be enough for me to say - No More?" When will I reach the "tipping point" as you said?

Sometimes, I think I was there long ago...sometimes, I just don't know.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Kick him to the curb like yesterday. And I say this as an adulterer myself (who is successfully reconciling). He has exhibited no remorse whatsoever and is obfuscating, lying, and attempting to draw the attention away from his actions. Serve him...now. I send you my best. *hug*


Thanks MountainRunner! But tell me, if you can successfully reconcile, would there be no way to get my husband to do the same? Is there any way to make him see the wrong on his actions...and feel remorse? And then, how would I know that this remorse was real?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

totallysad said:


> Thanks MountainRunner! But tell me, if you can successfully reconcile, would there be no way to get my husband to do the same? Is there any way to make him see the wrong on his actions...and feel remorse? And then, how would I know that this remorse was real?


Dear totallysad,

Your H already knows that his actions (e.g., using prostitutes) is wrong.

You can't make a person be remorseful. Whether a person is or not depends upon his character. Based upon what you've told us about your H, it seems unlikely that he feels sorry for what he has done.

You can tell when remorse is real based upon a person's actions. A truly remorseful person doesn't just say he is sorry, he goes out of his way to make up for the wrong he has done. Again, it seems unlikely that your H is going to do this.

So where does that leave you? You have to make decisions based upon the kind of man your H is, rather than on who you would like him to be.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

T. Sad, 

Reading this, I can feel how desperate you are for your husband to change. At this point, it is you that needs to change. 

As hard as it is, you must focus on going forward without your husband. Put all your sad energy into a future that is a good and worthwhile one for you and your children. I guarantee you will be so happy with yourself a few years down the road. 

You seem to be putting to much energy in a hope and dream of a man and a family that just doesn't exist. It's a hard thing to hear and even harder to grasp but it's the truth. There just isn't anything to save here. You married badly. Most of us did. It's not your fault or a crime. It's a terrible life lesson but that's it. Show your children a different path and have something good come out of a terrible situation. 

Yes, as with everything, there will be setbacks. Two steps forward, one step back sort of thing. Read some self-help books, read positive stories, surround yourself with as much support as you can....... You are a thousand times more of a person than your dirtbag husband. YOU just need to focus on the positive you right now.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I am back where I started from. After ignoring all the advice I got on this forum, I continued with my husband and through all the ups and downs of our relationship.

In the beginning of May, both our fathers became seriously ill. While I shuttled back and forth between the two parents, he left for a trip to Europe. Eventually, I had to spend more time looking after my father due to which he stopped all communication with me. When I got back home, I discovered I was pregnant - but due to our silent war - didn't tell him. Then I left again to take care of his dad. When I got back a week later, a friend of mine informed him about my pregnancy. But he had no reaction and I went through an abortion alone.

Last Sunday, we ended up having a major fight as I objected to him hiring a particular staff whom I felt he was showing undue interest and attention to. Knowing his history of infidelity, I voiced my concern which sent him into a mad rage threatening violence and separation. Now he has made it clear that he wants me out of his life and has had enough.

While I kept sticking around in this marriage because of our 2 kids, he seems to have no such qualms before telling me to leave. What should I do now? I am so confused and upset and feel so so betrayed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Abuse and cheating doesn't equate to love. You're in an abusive relationship. You need to truly find a way to get out. Entertaining therapy is a waste of time with someone like this. You need to work on becoming as strong as you can in order to get out of this. ((praying for you, hugs))


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I have two young kids (4 and 5) and I left my meaningless marriage. No cheating but just no love. Roommates, if even that. You have a lot of reasons to leave. Don't stay for the kids. Do you really want to have regret 10-15 years later that you stayed in this marriage and denied yourself having a healthy and loving relationship? Don't have regrets, you only get one life.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

I know getting out is the only option now...but it is hurting me so badly that after all the things that he did, I stuck with him, and now he has decided that he doesn't need me anymore and wants everything to be over. Just like that. Can somebody really walk out like this, and not take responsibility for anything anymore?

In our marriage of over 17 years, I tolerated abusive behaviour from his family, his affairs, solicitation of prostitutes and sexting, his violence and still took care of his family, worked really hard for his business and brought up two lovely children, nearly on my own. And now, when I am 40 years old, and have spent the best part of my life working on this marriage, he gets to up and leave? Just say, I don't think either of us are happy in this marriage, so let's not go on? Since I worked for his business, my option of continuing work also disappears...and suddenly I am left wondering what I will now do with my life. How is that fair?

In my mind, I always imagined that he would someday realise that he had a good wife, that he would admit how he couldn't lead his life without me...living in the same house with him has become so painful. Watching him ignore me hurts me so bad. And even when he came to know that I was pregnant, he didn't even care enough to show concern...why am I so twisted that I still expect something from this? Why do I still pray and wish for this to work? And why does the thought of him leaving me fill me with so much fear?


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## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

totallysad said:


> I know getting out is the only option now...but it is hurting me so badly that after all the things that he did, I stuck with him, and now he has decided that he doesn't need me anymore and wants everything to be over. Just like that. Can somebody really walk out like this, and not take responsibility for anything anymore?
> 
> In our marriage of over 17 years, I tolerated abusive behaviour from his family, his affairs, solicitation of prostitutes and sexting, his violence and still took care of his family, worked really hard for his business and brought up two lovely children, nearly on my own. And now, when I am 40 years old, and have spent the best part of my life working on this marriage, he gets to up and leave? Just say, I don't think either of us are happy in this marriage, so let's not go on? Since I worked for his business, my option of continuing work also disappears...and suddenly I am left wondering what I will now do with my life. How is that fair?
> 
> In my mind, I always imagined that he would someday realise that he had a good wife, that he would admit how he couldn't lead his life without me...living in the same house with him has become so painful. Watching him ignore me hurts me so bad. And even when he came to know that I was pregnant, he didn't even care enough to show concern...why am I so twisted that I still expect something from this? Why do I still pray and wish for this to work? And why does the thought of him leaving me fill me with so much fear?


Are you in IC? If not, I think you should look into it.

You said in this very post that you have tolerated his, and his families horrible behavior, so it's no wonder he can move on without a second thought. Some people just suck.


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## TNC (Dec 28, 2015)

Would you want your children to be treated the way you are treated by a spouse?


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

Absolutely not! I am doing all I can to ensure that they are not influenced by this is any manner. My husband loves his children, it's just that in his usual manner with all other family members also, he doesn't really make an effort to express his love.

For the time being, have stopped all communication, completely ignoring him and carrying on with my days in a normal
way. Just trying to have as much happiness together as we should have had as a family with my kids.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You stuck around for the kids? I don't know how old they are but they know more than you realize and they learn from his behavior. You're going to end up teaching them that staying with an abusive and cheating spouse is the normal marriage and it's acceptable. If anything, you should be leaving for the kids! Teach them that this is not a healthy relationship. Violence shouldn't be tolerated. I'm sorry that you're going through this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

totallysad said:


> I am back where I started from. After ignoring all the advice I got on this forum, I continued with my husband and through all the ups and downs of our relationship.
> 
> In the beginning of May, both our fathers became seriously ill. While I shuttled back and forth between the two parents, he left for a trip to Europe. Eventually, I had to spend more time looking after my father due to which he stopped all communication with me. When I got back home, I discovered I was pregnant - but due to our silent war - didn't tell him. Then I left again to take care of his dad. When I got back a week later, a friend of mine informed him about my pregnancy. But he had no reaction and I went through an abortion alone.
> 
> ...



TS, how much abuse are you going to take until you decide to take the advice from the good people on TAM, he cheats on you, neglects you, doesn't care about the abortion, leaves the reponsibility of his father to you, need I go on?

You need to start doing the following

1. Do the 180 on him completely, this is for yourself, to get to a place of self respect and disengage emotionally from him
2. Do you have a job, if not consider looking for one asap
3. Get some IC for yourself, to start building your self esteem again, he has completely ground you down
4. Tell your friends what is happening and get emotional support from one of two close friends, people you can trust to tell you how it is
5. go and see a lawyer to see what your options are.
6. plan your exit, better still tell him to move out and organise a separation.
Remember children are not stupid, however young, they know and sense the strain, they will not be happy growing up in a home where their father mistreats their mother and the mother is miserable.

You need to start putting your ducks in a row and doing something for yourself and kids. Get rid of him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

totallysad said:


> I know getting out is the only option now...but it is hurting me so badly that after all the things that he did, I stuck with him, and now he has decided that he doesn't need me anymore and wants everything to be over. Just like that. Can somebody really walk out like this, and not take responsibility for anything anymore?
> 
> In our marriage of over 17 years, I tolerated abusive behaviour from his family, his affairs, solicitation of prostitutes and sexting, his violence and still took care of his family, worked really hard for his business and brought up two lovely children, nearly on my own. And now, when I am 40 years old, and have spent the best part of my life working on this marriage, he gets to up and leave? Just say, I don't think either of us are happy in this marriage, so let's not go on? Since I worked for his business, my option of continuing work also disappears...and suddenly I am left wondering what I will now do with my life. How is that fair?
> 
> In my mind, I always imagined that he would someday realise that he had a good wife, that he would admit how he couldn't lead his life without me...living in the same house with him has become so painful. Watching him ignore me hurts me so bad. And even when he came to know that I was pregnant, he didn't even care enough to show concern...why am I so twisted that I still expect something from this? Why do I still pray and wish for this to work? And why does the thought of him leaving me fill me with so much fear?


You have to realise that what has happened to many of here on TAM was never fair, life is not fair. YOu have to stop wallowing, you cannot control your WH, you cannot use the scales of justice on him, he is not a just, fair, kind type of guy. The sooner you move the focus of him and onto yourself and what is within your control, the better for you. It might be painful now, but if he has a business, get a good lawyer, make sure he pays through the nose, start over again and 40 is still very young in the grand scheme of things, you will be happier, I guarantee it once you reestablish yourself.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

aine said:


> TS, how much abuse are you going to take until you decide to take the advice from the good people on TAM, he cheats on you, neglects you, doesn't care about the abortion, leaves the reponsibility of his father to you, need I go on?
> 
> You need to start doing the following
> 
> ...


Aine, it helps so much to put this in perspective. When I read your replies, I actually felt as if a burden was lifted from me. Somehow, for some reason, maybe due to my society, my family or my upbringing, there is this crazy need to do what everyone else thinks is right. And that meant somehow clinging on to this marriage.

But reading what you've written, and especially about the fact that I have to accept the kind of person he is, I know there is no future in this. I am starting on the steps you've listed - googled the 180 and will put that in place. I am still working for his business, but will start looking for jobs and make the move. I am a CPA with considerable experience, but since I have been working for him for so many years, I felt as if I could never find a job again.

Thanks Aine, I am going to stick to your advice and work towards a change. TAM has really been a very supportive place for me.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am pleased to read that you are becoming stronger. Believe me, once you are away from the abuse your vision will become more clear. As I posted in the beginning, your life so mirrored what happened to me, I know your pain and confusion. I hope that one day you will be where I am now. 15 years divorced, children raised, always become stronger with each day. If you need to talk you are welcome to Pm me. Stay the course .....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

totallysad said:


> I am back where I started from. After ignoring all the advice I got on this forum, I continued with my husband and through all the ups and downs of our relationship.


How did that turn out?



totallysad said:


> I voiced my concern which sent him into a mad rage threatening violence and separation. Now he has made it clear that he wants me out of his life and has had enough.


I see....



totallysad said:


> What should I do now? I am so confused and upset and feel so so betrayed.


You only need to do one thing.... 

That's it, everything else is wasted time, drama and filler. 

FILE FOR DIVORCE AND GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.

This time, take the advice you're given.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

You're a CPA with experience?! I am too, but not as much experience as you (>5 years) and take it from me -- once you start looking, you'll find a great job in no time. Dust off your resume, get on LinkedIn; just choose a recruiter carefully if you decide to work with one. The job market is great for CPAs.

Good luck. It's great to see you moving in the right direction - onward and upward!

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *In our marriage of over 17 years, I tolerated abusive behaviour from his family, his affairs, solicitation of prostitutes and sexting, his violence and still took care of his family, worked really hard for his business and brought up two lovely children, nearly on my own.* And now, when I am 40 years old, and have spent the best part of my life working on this marriage, he gets to up and leave? Just say, I don't think either of us are happy in this marriage, so let's not go on? Since I worked for his business, my option of continuing work also disappears...and suddenly I am left wondering what I will now do with my life. *How is that fair?*


Stop with the questions about fair! The situation you are in will not be improved by you hoping your husband will be fair. Lies, betrayal, and inconsideration by your husband will not be changed by talking about fair.


*You need to make a plan that will benefit only you and your children and in executing that plan you will have to put away your emotions as much as possible.* I know it is hard but you can get help from every source and you can do it. My guess is that your emotions are so rattled that you keep flip flopping. What do you think about the three Fs; friends, family and faith to help you? Do not stop there as you need all the help you can get. *Your emotional and physical health is at stake and if you go down then your children will have lost their number one support.
*

According to your posts your husband has proved to you for YEARS that he is not going to do his part to help you and the family get better. The sooner you start getting your life in order without him the better you and your children will be. What your children do not need is a mother that is so emotionally destroyed and that she becomes a door mat or a weakling that is paralyzed.

Your husband has no choice he has to support his children and the judge will make sure of that. You are a CPA and can get work and that with the alimony and child support you will be able to pay for the necessities of life. Get your emotions better and execute your plan. I would not even tell him of your plan and would wait until you are self-sufficient enough that you could separate from him without any more talking. *Make sure that he cannot harm you physically. That may mean that you separate from him and that he will not know anything until you are gone*.

*Your life is not going to change for the better without you taking strong actions.* If you do not take strong actions your life will probably get worse? Millions of women have made it with circumstances like you have and so can you. You have more going for you than many other women that have made it.

There is even a chance that your husband will see the light after you leave and start your life without him. He may even come back to you trying to get you to accept his promises. You will be surprised what consequences can do for a cheater. If there is ever to be an R, the only thing that matters in that case is his long term actions that prove to you that he is serious and changed.

*When your spouse starts cheating and beating you then there is no room for fairness*. You are probably going to go to war with your husband and nothing matters but for you to win.* Do not let soft emotions hinder you.
*


I do not want to be too rough with you because you are very hurt but unless you get tougher and take actions you will become a dish rag and/or a door mat.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> totallysad said:
> 
> 
> > I am back where I started from. After ignoring all the advice I got on this forum, I continued with my husband and through all the ups and downs of our relationship.
> ...


Yes, BD, it didn't turn out good at all. In fact, it definitely got worse. So I am going to take your advice and that of everyone else on TAM, and start the process of getting the hell away from him.

Needless to say, I am **** scared, and with the level that my confidence is at, I am also not sure how I will manage. I am not seeking pity, and I know that I have a lot of people who are behind me on this too. First step is to get him out of the house. Will start with that for now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I read your posts and my heart breaks for you. Please don't give another year and any more of yourself to this sham marriage. You deserve so much more.

Once he is out of the house and you have started working, you will see your self confidence and former "headstrong" personality return. If you actually leave your lying, cheating, abusive husband, you will start to heal.


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## totallysad (Sep 10, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I read your posts and my heart breaks for you. Please don't give another year and any more of yourself to this sham marriage. You deserve so much more.
> 
> Once he is out of the house and you have started working, you will see your self confidence and former "headstrong" personality return. If you actually leave your lying, cheating, abusive husband, you will start to heal.


Thank you so much, MJJean. That means a lot. Have begun working on this, and trying to sort things out myself before I give him any indication of what I am doing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

totallysad said:


> I am new here and am very confused, KanDo. After being with him for so many years and for the sake of the children (who are still small) I wanted to give him another chance. But reading about other people here, makes me really sad. It seems this is an addiction with him. He uses all the ways he can for gaslighting me. He shifts the blame every time to me completely.
> 
> Even now, he says that if I keep digging and spying on him, I shall never let this relationship work. But should I believe him when he says he never really went through with actually using the escort service?


"Husband, I am completely unhappy because of your serial cheating and I can't do it any more if you don't stop. I'm giving you a chance to go to therapy for it, if you want to stop. If you don't want to stop and won't go to therapy, I'll go see a lawyer."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or better yet, just get your affairs in order and leave. And make him earn you back. If he can.


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