# Separated from Wife - Help Me TAM



## helpmeTAM (Sep 3, 2012)

Long time lurker finally able to open up as I couldn’t take it anymore and need an ear (or eyes). 

A quick summary :

Wife and me have been married for six years (together 8). I am 30 and she is 33. She gave me a letter saying she was done June of 2011 but we had to stay together due to few issues and she moved out August 2012. She has four kids from her previous relationship and the youngest one was 2 when we got together. He is now 10. 

Well, after a year of living together while knowing we will be separating things finally moved forward and she moved out. I am in pieces. I knew this was coming and I don’t know how the heck I didn’t anticipate this was going to happen. I am taking it pretty hard as you can tell. 

We work together and to be honest we have a pretty good relationship when “relationship” doesn’t come up. I would like to let her miss me but the hardest part is that we work together since we both own 50% of the business. The business pays the bills in both households. Also, she doesn’t have a whole lot of families so when she needs I am the one who ends up going over and staying with the kids. I love the kids and I feel like they are my own. However, I haven’t been the ideal dad to them – I never planned outings, make memories and such. Just was there when they needed me. But I plan to change that.

My wife is very civil to me. She has said to me that she is 95% done with the relationship but of course can’t imagine losing me as a friend. I know she means that cause I do know she loves me. However, everytime I am around (especially at her house – I am there when I need to be for kids and other stuff and not showing up just for the sake of it), I just feel weak and very ignored. When we work together, I feel great cause I know what I am. When we go to lunch (from work), I know what I am but when I am at her place I just feel like I am nothing. I feel very low and cranky and of course that probably makes her feel like she made the right decision. You may ask why don’t I bring the kids over to my place when I want to see them or hang out with them or when wife is going out of town – the reason being I am at the old house which is supposed to be rented soon and do not have anything. Besides, I will be flying back home (international, Asia) for a month in September until the end of October so I plan on getting an apartment when I am back. There’s just no where for the kids to even sleep here right now. I haven't slept at her place when she is there though.

Anyways, my wife has always been caretaker of everyone. Sad to say, I think she carried me too many times as well. One of my biggest fault has been I became dormant in this relationship. I didn’t plan anything for us or or for us and the kids. Basically, I never knew she even wanted to hang out with me. It always seemed like it was all about the kids and “me and her” didn’t matter to her so that’s what I focused on. 

I want to save our relationship and I know I need to do 180 and all but working together and kids is making it really hard. There is no option of not working together. We have a successful business and it needs to keep going. We fill what another lacks when it comes to business. My biggest problem right now is how do I hide my emotions? I don’t want to be mean cause she isn’t mean to me. She knows that I am going through a lot and I dont know whats going through her head but she keeps a happy face and sometimes I think she is very happy since I am not around. Even now when am around I just seem to be moping around but I am having the hardest time. Help me cope with this TAM. 

By the way, my trip is for more than 30 days and during that time there is no way her and I will be able to see each other. Do you think that’s a good thing? That’s another thing that has eating me away. 

Sorry for the long rant.

P.S. I volunteer to hang out/watch the kids when she is not around and it's not something she asks of me first. She has been pretty respectful and not entitled towards my time on that front since I am not their biological father and she knows I do not have to. But I choose to.


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## helpmeTAM (Sep 3, 2012)

Just a bit more: she was gone yesterday morning with her mom to somewhere and I volunteered to stay with the kids (I wanted to). I had a great time. I made dinner today and she got back around 5. Until she came back I was having a great time but after she got back something triggered. I just couldn't be happy and got into my "mopy" mode. I ate together with kids and her and left. She suggested I could stay longer if I wanted to as she always does. Last time I talked to her about how I felt when I was in there she said "why don't you just relax?" and I think if I was just able to relax and be myself and enjoy my time without thinking of past and future I would be ok and things could get better but I can't seem to. I think there's hope but I feel like I am the one making her 100% sure of her decision.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

Yeah, you have to do the 180. Still spend time with the kids (she'll like that), but just be cordial, polite and aloof with her. Start working out (running, etc.), get some new clothes. Go out with friends or meet new ones. At least pretend like everything is great, even though it's clearly not.

Wow! This is easy when it's not your own situation.


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## helpmeTAM (Sep 3, 2012)

Just a few words of courage and wisdom would be great. Thanks to all for reading and a happy labor day for US folks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She's got 4 kids and is previously divorced?

What was her childhood like?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> Yeah, you have to do the 180. Still spend time with the kids (she'll like that), but just be cordial, polite and aloof with her. Start working out (running, etc.), get some new clothes. Go out with friends or meet new ones. At least pretend like everything is great, even though it's clearly not.
> 
> Wow! This is easy when it's not your own situation.


The absolute best thing you can do....


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## helpmeTAM (Sep 3, 2012)

Conrad, her childhood was a mess. Left by father and and her and her 3 siblings were raised by her mom. Her family is quite disfunctional to this day. All her brothers still live with their mom and she is the only one who moved out early and made something out of herself. She wants a mom and brother to take care of her when there's a need but she ends up taking care of them almost everytime. 

Wiigirl, thank you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

helpmeTAM said:


> Conrad, her childhood was a mess. Left by father and and her and her 3 siblings were raised by her mom. Her family is quite disfunctional to this day. All her brothers still live with their mom and she is the only one who moved out early and made something out of herself. She wants a mom and brother to take care of her when there's a need but she ends up taking care of them almost everytime.
> 
> Wiigirl, thank you.


I cannot say I'm surprised.

You do realize she doesn't get "mad" at you.

She IS angry. She wakes up angry. She's FURIOUS that the people who should have cared for her didn't.

You are the stand-in for that anger.


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## helpmeTAM (Sep 3, 2012)

Conrad,

Thanks. What do you suggest my course of action should be? As I mentioned before, we work together and the most we go without seeing each other is maybe a day or two. It's hard when she is around to not show feelings. Another thing as I have said before is she is very very civil to me. As nice a person could be except sometimes where I feel like she is trying to hard to be distant and I feel ignored and let my feelings (anger/upset) out.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> What do you suggest my course of action should be?


*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I would endorse Synthetic's program.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> *Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:
> 
> 1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*
> 
> ...


:iagree:
this should be a permanent post/link that every new member must read at reg, i bow down sir synthetic


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

our vision shattered said:


> :iagree:
> this should be a permanent post/link that every new member must read at reg, i bow down sir synthetic


I knew young synthetic when.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I knew young synthetic when.


Yes him & I have encountered lots of 2x4's
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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