# So confused...



## Saram (Dec 3, 2017)

Evening everyone 

My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together since 2006, married since 2009, each other’s first, etc. when we were dating though, I found out he looked at a little bit of porn. I told him then I wasn’t okay with porn. We put a adult blocker on his computer and I thought that was the end of it. However, after he came back from boot camp in 2008 (he’s in the military), he had a brand new laptop. I didn’t think anything of it. We had discussed that it wasn’t okay and that was the end of it....

Flash forward to this week. We’ve had some issues in the bedroom... Classic he isn’t getting it enough so he doesn’t pay attention to me, I don’t give it to him because he doesn’t pay attention to me. It didn’t help that he deployed a lot and my birth control ruined my sex drive. I went off my birth control in june in an attempt to fix this, we’ve tried everything under the sun. I knew we hadn’t connected over the past week so I made us a nice dinner and we had a great night. He had been really distracted from work... but I had a gut feeling not everything was okay. He took longer than usual and made a really weird suggestion to me. Something wasn’t right. So I totally snooped on his computer when he was at work. I found porn and this weird game where it’s like sims but sex. I confronted him about it and he told me he’s been looking at porn our entire marriage but it really started in 2012. He had a secret email account for his porn and he was going to websites to cyber with girls... like a sims game that you can have sex in with a chat. He was also receiving pictures from them and sent at least one to one of them. He’s been cyber cheating for a year and a half. 

I’m devastated because he’s made me feel like it’s my fault for issues in the past but I feel if those issues weren’t issues then he wouldn’t have gone searching online. His triggers were apparently things I wouldn’t do with him. He says it’s not my fault but it’s hard to believe.

On top of that... it’s like I can’t get enough of him. Always touching him, have had great sex since finding out. Like where is this coming from? Am I trying to prove to him that he doesn’t need the porn and online hookups? 

We have adult blockers on his computer now

I don’t know what to do. He seems truly repentant but I feel so betrayed... I never imagined that he would be the kind of guy to cheat, even if it’s only online. 

But then do I have the okay to be upset since alll he did was cyber and send pictures? He said he didn’t tell
Me because he didn’t want to hurt me but me finding out how I did and the fact that it went on so long that he started seeking out other women online hurts 

I feel so alone. I’m sure he’s tired of hearing about this but I feel that I need to understand the why and how and when


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He broke your trust.

I feel counselling might be of help to you. Would that be available biavthe military?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'm not making a judgment here but I will say lots of guys look at porn. I can't really tell you wants going on in his head but most likely he is not really fantasizing about the other woman, more likely the act. Guys are visual. Also it's not "cheating" in the classic sense but to be fair the definition of cheating varies with couples. Some couples even watch porn together. I once had a girlfriend that like to watch porn before sex. I'm not telling you what to do, just saying there are different ways to approach this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Go to youtube and do a search for "brain on porn".

It's true that a lot of men watch porn online now. And it's also true that a fair number of them get to the point that they prefer masturbating to porn over sex with a live woman. A lot of the younger generation grew up watching porn from a very early age. For many of them, it's basically a life-long habit that interferes with their marriage relationships. The videos explain why.

There are other sites out there (not youtube) that give help to people who want put an end to their 'addiction' to porn.

One thing you two could do is to see a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist who knows what to do to get your husband to stop using porn and to start wanting sex with you. Generally it takes no porn and no sex for 3 months or so. With


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Here's a recent article about whether porn is "cheating". 

http://www.martyklein.com/infidelity-thats-wrong-question/

Some useful thoughts in there



> But then do I have the okay to be upset since alll he did was cyber and send pictures?


If you are upset, which you are, then it is OK to be upset.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saram said:


> I don’t know what to do. He seems truly repentant but I feel so betrayed... I never imagined that he would be the kind of guy to cheat, even if it’s only online.
> 
> But then do I have the okay to be upset since alll he did was cyber and send pictures? He said he didn’t tell
> 
> ...


Of course you have the right (okay) to feel betrayed, hurt, upset, etc.

There can be a difference between porn use and interacting with another human (sexting) and having a cyber affair. 

Porn can be harmful to a marriage when the person using the porn (usually the husband) loses interest in sex with his wife. So then her emotional/sexual needs are not being met.

Cyber affairs, him seeking out woman online, is an affair. It's not recognized in court as an affair, but it can do just as much damage to a marriage as in-person affairs.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same thing? My bet is that he would not be ok with it and would probably divorce you if you did it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So look up Hysterical Bonding. That is probably what is going on now. It's a response to trauma and common. Also, and yes you are trying to make sure he only wants you, you are competing or marking your territory in a way. It happens a lot and is usually short lived. 

You are right to be upset, he lied to you and if he was making contact with other woman he was cheating. Sorry about that.

First of all I wouldn't just believe him, cheaters lie and they are very good at it because they have a lot of practice. Besides that what is he doing to be a healthy partner to you now. Most of the time people who cheat do so because of a lack of character and need to put up a monumental effort to change that. Seems like he has lied to you more then once. I am not sure why you needed a porn blocker from the very beginning but that leads me to think he has had issues with porn in the past, more then just a recreational hobby for instance. These things don't change without hard work and professional help. He should be in counseling. Also sounds like he doesn't really talk to you about stuff. Conflict avoidance is also common. If it were me your dynamic sounds like it has been very hard for a long time (more on that below), but it also sounds like he didn't really confront any of this with you. 

We always tell people on here before you decided to (R) reconcile or (D) divorce, detach. Meaning try detach your emotions from the situation and think about it logically. Then you will be in a better position to make a healthy choice. If he really is a sex addict, which he may be, he may not, if he is that is a very hard person to be married to and it's going to affect your whole life. Do you have kids?

Understand this will be a long hard go. But you are not responsible for his cheating, if he was having issues he should have told you not went to other women. He could have divorced you if it was bad enough. You say you tried everything what does that mean? Were you trying to have sex? Maybe why it wasn't working was because of his porn use. Now he stopped using porn he is having sex with you again.

If you are going to stay in the marriage then you need to fix the cheating first and then the issues in the marriage after. 

OK now this is hard but I think to be fair I should address the possibility that maybe you were not trying to have sex for some years, it's hard to tell from your post. Now his cheating isn't your fault but I have to tell you that it's a difficult thing to ask a man not to look at porn or masturbate and then not have sex with him on a regular basis, not talking once a month here (that is not a regular basis). Most men would probably not hang in there under those conditions. I say this because it's just true. Our sexuality and drive (at least for most of us) is just too strong. This is called guarding and it kills lots of marriages. If this was going on that is not a good thing. It doesn't excuse his cheating or lying to you AT ALL, but it does mean there was some serious problems in the marriage. I am not trying to kick you when you are down, but if a guy came on here and said his wife cheated but also said that he works all the time an never talks to her, I would tell him exactly what I told you in the top paragraphs but then I would also tell him that he created some very tough dynamics in his marriage.

I know you might not believe me and many women don't get this but as far as I can tell for men lack of physical intimacy is very similar to a women whose husband doesn't provide her with any emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is how we express and feel close to our wives. It's a big part of how we gauge ourselves and our marriage. So a barrenness in that area is a serious issue. I think almost all men who are in sexless marriages use porn to regulate there genetic urge to procreate. Yes genetic, it's in our nature, and it makes sense, in it's bases form it's about propagating the species. I get a sense it's kind of like what a women feels like when she sees a baby. We have that for or wives, it's almost a primal urge. When women get it for kids they want to hold the baby, nurture it. You hear the phrase "my ovaries are burning". Maybe this can help you relate. Again it's a genetic urge, it's there to protect the child and also propagate the species. 

I am sorry if you feel like I am kicking you when you are down. I am not trying to but I am saying if those conditions persist it's going to be hard to have a good marriage even if you do heal from this betrayal, or even with the next guy. 

Now I would feel a lot better about writing all that if he was only looking at porn. Personally looking at pictures and movies of other women isn't in my mind cheating though I acknowledge that others feel differently. However if he made a promise to you not to then braking that promise is wrong in my mind. So just that would be a betrayal. How I see it is Porn is an activity that you do with yourself, it's an individual activity. But he interacted with other women so for me that changes the whole entire nature of this. Sexting is done with someone else so he cheated on you.

Right now you personally have to come to terms with if you really want to live with someone who could lie to you like he did and share sexual intimacy with another women. You need to decide if your quality of life is going to be good enough to continue after this happened (that may take time even years to know). Then if you get past that part and you can forgive him, then you have to work on making your marriage stronger. 

I'm sorry, but know one thing you will survive this, and you will have joy again.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Unlike some here I feel porn is unhealthy for a marriage. In a healthy marriage, spouses satisfy each other sexually. I see sex as more than a human need. Seen this way porn is no consequence. Instead I see sex as a true intimacy, bonding physically, emotionally and sexually. Also I believe marital sex is a safe place to be your true self. That’s what I want with my husband and if he watches porn he’s unable to focus on complete intimacy with me. 

Hard to achieve this intimacy when I’m thinking about whether he’s fantasizing about someone else he’s sext/ had cyber sex/ a porn star. I believe that sex should be selfless focusing on what your spouse enjoys. Porn on the other hand is transactional and selfish. 

You’re not wrong in feeling upset. Your marriage could be salvageable yet, but it sounds like you need professional help. Marriage counseling could dig deep into your husband’s porm addiction and help him begin to heal from it. Also might help you recognize your husband’s need for sex and how to meet this need. All the best


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## Saram (Dec 3, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> He broke your trust.
> 
> I feel counselling might be of help to you. Would that be available biavthe military?


Yes, there are options for counseling through the military. Part of this will be finding a time that works for him because his schedule is so crazy. I really do believe if I asked him to go to counseling with me that he would. He seems truly sorry about everything. I don't know if we should try to see someone this week or wait until we get back from visiting family for christmas. 



EleGirl said:


> Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same thing? My bet is that he would not be ok with it and would probably divorce you if you did it.


He wouldn't be okay with it. Once it truly hit him what he had done, he was devastated. I really don't feel its one of those "oh shoot I got caught" feelings. He made a comment to me that he wanted to be caught because he didn't know how to tell me but he thought he could stop it on his own but ended up not being able to.


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## Saram (Dec 3, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So look up Hysterical Bonding. That is probably what is going on now. It's a response to trauma and common. Also, and yes you are trying to make sure he only wants you, you are competing or marking your territory in a way. It happens a lot and is usually short lived.
> 
> You are right to be upset, he lied to you and if he was making contact with other woman he was cheating. Sorry about that.
> 
> ...


So I wrote a reply to this and then my computer freaked out on me, so this reply may be a bit more blunt because i don't want to type out every word again. Sorry if it comes off hard at all. 

We are going to reconcile. I don't believe in divorce except in extreme circumstances and at this point at least this isn't an extreme circumstance. We don't have any kids. 

Our issues really started when he got home from deployment in 2011. I had a miscarriage and then we lost our cat. This is when he really started looking at porn I guess. Our marriage isn't sexless but he wants more sex. We have sex probably 2x a week at least. Part of the problem is that he will be on his computer all night, barely talking to me, then after I go to bed he will follow and try to have sex. I accept about half-75% of these requests because I know he needs more sex but then obviously if he's been ignoring me it's hard for me to really get into it. He isn't fulfilling that intimacy need of mine. I know this is the case because when he has really paid attention to me, we end up having great sex. I totally accept that I have some fault in all of this, I'm just trying to find an appropriate amount of fault if that makes sense. He had been on a 6 month deployment every year from 2011-2015. 

I totally agree that the porn isn't the biggest issue. It is an issue but I wouldn't be nearly as devastated if it was just porn. I told him there are three things I'm upset with: 1. The cheating, 2. The Lying and deceit about this for years, and then finally 3. The Porn. If it was just the porn then I wouldn't be nearly as upset as I am.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Saram said:


> So I wrote a reply to this and then my computer freaked out on me, so this reply may be a bit more blunt because i don't want to type out every word again. Sorry if it comes off hard at all.
> 
> We are going to reconcile. I don't believe in divorce except in extreme circumstances and at this point at least this isn't an extreme circumstance. We don't have any kids.
> 
> ...


I didn't think that was blunt at all. Read my other posts if you want to see blunt. > I am not a big proponent of R most of the time because I feel people who cheat are most of the time too much of a risk and also even if you do successfully R the quality of life doesn't seem very high for the person cheated on, even years later. Your story is one that is easier then a lot of them, (those shill awful, which goes to show how bad it can really get.) 

So if you are determined to R -- 

It sounds what your marriage was missing was intimacy. I wonder if he is afraid of intimacy. For instance porn is a lot easier then sex in that regard because you don't have to expose your sexual self to your partner? I suspect you are religious right? If you are, you should know, lots of people grow up in religion and get the message that sex is shameful therefor they have a hard time being honest sexually with their spouses. Again it's easier to use porn because their is no risk of shame except to themselves. Even though the may intellectually know that sex is not supposed to be shameful the social queues they have gotten their whole life is, _"don't talk about that, don't think that way, (for guys) you only think with your "little brain", you are gross and sinful"_, if you get my meaning. Hell people take the one line in the Bible (not sure if this is your religion) and think if the see a beautiful women and have a sexual though about her they are adulterers, and then we wonder why they feel shame. (That was not the point of that scripture by the way.) All of that is wrong and in the end hurts people. 

Also I bet he has been looking at porn his whole adult life. (You probably think this is gross but it's still probably true for 95% of most adult men of a certain age. Not saying that is a good thing, but it is a thing.) I get the sense that you are in your late 20s early 30s, so it would not be that usual. So he needs to change the way his mind thinks. Right now desire and his sexual nature is probably is associated with an isolated activity and 2d images, I doubt there is a emotional intimacy component at all, he will need to learn new ways of thinking. 

A good therapist and sex counselor can help you with this. One thing I would say is why are you worried about carving out time, THIS IS YOUR MARRIAGE you are talking about. It's in crisis, MAKE the time. 

Finally I want to again say that I am not saying any of this is your fault. He is totally in the wrong. Also I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex when it's like that, sounds like you were putting in a tremendous effort. I hope he has the stuff in him to change. I hope that you will be able to recover from the betrayal if it's something you want.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Saram said:


> So I wrote a reply to this and then my computer freaked out on me, so this reply may be a bit more blunt because i don't want to type out every word again. Sorry if it comes off hard at all.
> 
> We are going to reconcile. I don't believe in divorce except in extreme circumstances and at this point at least this isn't an extreme circumstance. We don't have any kids.
> 
> ...


The porn use probably isn't or hasn't solely been driven by a need or want for more sex. He probably started looking at more porn as a stress relief or escape from the real world. You mention him coming back from deployment, miscarriage all which are stressful and emotional and he might not have the coping skills to deal with it so he turned to an "escape" instead. His choice was porn but it could have been booze or any number of items. 

Counseling probably would be the most beneficial because if he is open to it he will probably find the porn use probably increased during stressful times and he can learn the skills and tools to cope which involve being more vulnerable and open to you which in turns creates more intimacy for both of you and a better sex life because of it. Just having more sex doesn't necessarily solve the problem, it may only be a bandaid for the symptom.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you are absolutely normal to feel upset and betrayed by this. Porn is very damaging to a person and marriage and there should be no room for it. He needs to know that if it happens again the marriage may be over, some people refuse to stop until they think they may loose everything.
Yes I see it as a definite betrayal, especially if he was in contact with specific women and they were sending him photos. Don't let anyone tell you that its just something that men do, its not, and many men do it even if they have a wife who is willing to have regular sex.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Saram said:


> Evening everyone
> 
> My husband and I are high school sweethearts, been together since 2006, married since 2009, each other’s first, etc. when we were dating though, I found out he looked at a little bit of porn. I told him then I wasn’t okay with porn. We put a adult blocker on his computer and I thought that was the end of it. However, after he came back from boot camp in 2008 (he’s in the military), he had a brand new laptop. I didn’t think anything of it. We had discussed that it wasn’t okay and that was the end of it....
> 
> ...


You would benefit from reading "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask your husband to read it too. It will explain the dynamic of sex and affection, and show both you and your husband how important they are to each other. It will also give you a framework and system for prioritizing the fulfillment of each others needs.

As far as "we talked about it and that was that", you should not think about porn that way. It's an addiction like drugs or alcohol, and will never go away entirely. It may go into remission for a time, even a long time, but it won't ever completely go away. Some time down the road, temptation will strike, and he needs to remain vigilant so he isn't struck at unawares. 

The filters on the computer are good. Anything that removes his ability to look at porn, or makes it extremely difficult, removes the ease of falling. The more effort it takes to fail, the less tempting it is. With his permission, you should ask him every week or two how he's doing. The knowledge that you're going to ask him about whether he's kept himself pure, will make viewing porn less tempting, since he'll know you'll be asking him about it later.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

:wink2:


Rhubarb said:


> I'm not making a judgment here but I will say lots of guys look at porn. I can't really tell you wants going on in his head but most likely he is not really fantasizing about the other woman, more likely the act. Guys are visual. Also it's not "cheating" in the classic sense but to be fair the definition of cheating varies with couples. Some couples even watch porn together. I once had a girlfriend that like to watch porn before sex. I'm not telling you what to do, just saying there are different ways to approach this.


Not all guys look at porn. 

I even stopped smoking when my wife asked me to. 

She has all the rights as a wife to ask her husband not to look at it. Then he goes and starts having cyber sex with other girls. He is basically cheating on Saram.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, all I see is a cheater. I question his remorse.
I suggest you separate as he will not follow through. He has a history and he continues to make the same poor decisions.

That being said, I think if you both look at the situation objectively, you will both find that the two of you are just simply not compatible.

There is no shame in accepting the truth.


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