# Womaning Up...Instead of Manning Up...Where's My Advice?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, I've read, as others here have, all the threads about manning up. All geared towards MEN about how they can change the dynamic in their marriage - look more like the man - get respect back - be more attractive, therefore sex ramps up, etc., etc.

What about for us women?

Where is the feedback for us?

How do we re-ignite the flame (if it has died) - how do we go back to being the only woman for him - what can we do to be more attractive - to get HIS respect back.

I want some advice for ME.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Try less hard.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Probably depends on your guy. But for me i think becoming independent emotionally and physically, having your own life and not talking his ear off, not treating him like one of your girlfriends, finding something that makes you love your life, and getting back in shape. Basically becoming happy and healthy.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Probably depends on your guy. But for me i think becoming independent emotionally and physically, having your own life and not talking his ear off, not treating him like one of your girlfriends, finding something that makes you love your life, and getting back in shape. Basically becoming happy and healthy.


Basically becoming a tad unavailable which can stir a man's interest and his instinctual need to chase prey rather than feeling like prey himself :rofl:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

reachingshore said:


> Basically becoming a tad unavailable which can stir a man's interest and his instinctual need to chase prey rather than feeling like prey himself :rofl:


lol...ya basically. my H always says i play "hard to get" now and that i tease him and that really turns him on. no, im not playing hard to get and im really not teasing him. i just dont want to be gotten.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MWIL..I do believe you're giving too much of yourself to this man. I *think* I understand your personality...giving is what you do. Hard to take much for yourself. That gets pretty darned tiring, doesn't it? 

I believe you have extenuating circumstances, but I still think you're the one doing all the trying here. I posted once about your staying out of his "man cave", and you said that you'd never see him if you didn't go in there. My thoughts at the time were "if he wants you badly enough, he'll seek YOU out. If not, you have answers to your issues". But I don't think you wanted to hear that. I'm not so sure you still do. 

You just have to give a lot less. Take that and give to yourself. Get "selfish", for lack of a better word. It goes against the grain of your personality, but what you've been doing hasn't worked...you don't have a whole lot left to lose at this point. Simply put, I'd stop wrapping my world around his. I know you've taken steps towards doing that, but maybe it's just not enough. 

My sister told me once that if you want your kids to come around, it has to be some place where they want to be. I know this isn't the same thing, but think about it. You want him to come around. You want him to want you. And understanding that the man you once knew is changed, you have to make *this* man want to be around you. How you do that is up to you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MM speaks the truth in a concise way.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

major misfit said:


> You just have to give a lot less. Take that and give to yourself. Get "selfish", for lack of a better word. It goes against the grain of your personality, but what you've been doing hasn't worked...you don't have a whole lot left to lose at this point. Simply put, I'd stop wrapping my world around his. I know you've taken steps towards doing that, but maybe it's just not enough.


:iagree:

Selfish, confident, sending a message that if you chose to you would be "whole" without him in your life. Make him feel a bit "threatened", uncertain.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> MWIL..I do believe you're giving too much of yourself to this man. I *think* I understand your personality...giving is what you do. Hard to take much for yourself. That gets pretty darned tiring, doesn't it?
> 
> I believe you have extenuating circumstances, but I still think you're the one doing all the trying here. I posted once about your staying out of his "man cave", and you said that you'd never see him if you didn't go in there. My thoughts at the time were "if he wants you badly enough, he'll seek YOU out. If not, you have answers to your issues". But I don't think you wanted to hear that. I'm not so sure you still do.
> 
> ...


I wasn't so much asking just for myself but for all the other women out here who are having issues and want to know what THEY can do to change the dynamics.

I'm doing the best I can and have learned A LOT since I joined TAM. Some I agree with, some I don't and some things I'm somewhere inbetween. But I have learned a LOT about myself and my husband in the process of being here.

I wouldn't mind having a "playbook" also as the men refer to it that I can reference when I have a setback or something else rears its ugly head. While I, myself, do have extenuating circumstances, with the TBI - some of the advice imparted here works with any type of spouse - whether they are medically/mentally impaired or not. I just have to learn a few "extra" things that maybe others don't have to.

But I do agree with most of what you've said. It's just been a rough couple of years since his TBI and I'm still learning how to deal with everything and not lose myself in the process and it's really hard. A devastating accident or medical situation can tear a marriage/relationship apart and a lot of times, more than not - it does exactly that. I don't want to be one of those statistics. I want to make it through and come out better on the other side - and I'm getting there.

But would definitely like a playbook for certain situations that "women" face in marriage - sure others would too. 

Going to do some research...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Selfish, confident, sending a message that if you chose to you would be "whole" without him in your life. Make him feel a bit "threatened", uncertain.


Working on that - but not so sure it works.

His brain doesn't work normally - so what seems to some as uncertain appears to him as abandonment. One of the issues we've already faced, so I have to be careful at "how" and "how much" I disengage and pull back. 

But working on it - thanks!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Way back in the day (1980's) I saw an interesting example of how to do this. I'm not sure how helpful it will be But I'll try to explain it.

This younger woman had learned that men were afraid of her intelligence. It seemed to her that as soon as they figured out that she was smarter than them they left. This was a problem because she was more intelligent than average. 

Her response was to act the dumb blond. She became very good at it. This all worked very well (except the basic deception) until she met my room mate. 

He was what I call a Real cowboy, not a strutting imitation. He Was also 3-4 years younger than her. He was a strong personality that didn't need to be shored up. He also saw right through her act.

He needed a partner who was as strong as him. Someone who could take care of the ranch finances while he took care of the crops and herds. But, being a Real Man he also liked all that wrapped in a feminine, attractive package. 

So how did she make the sale?

She was very careful not to put on the dumb act. For example he was replacing the head gaskets on his truck and sent her in for the thermostat. She had no idea what that was. She made me explain how it worked before she would take it out to him. But when he picked her up for a hug she giggled like a school girl. When he was tired she brought him drinks. She never pushed his boundaries. At least not while he could see. She threatened me with grievous harm if I were to tell him I saw her dancing with someone else. The picture you should be getting is steel wrapped not in velvet but in lace and frills. She never saw him dressed in sweats or without her make up. And, all this without letting him think she couldn't handle anything he threw at her.

Pretty amazing person overall.

M N


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

These R the womaning Up books right here , excuse the title :

Amazon.com: Why Men Marry *****es: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart (9780743276375): Sherry Argov: Books

Amazon.com: Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (9781580627566): Sherry Argov: Books


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MWIL, I still have hope for your marriage. I think you can turn it around. Your husband sounds like he's full of resentment and I think you can soften his heart.

I agree with what everyone else said. To Woman up would be to be more selfish. Men think women are already selfish, but we all know that a woman will do a millions things for other people before she does anything for herself. I need to be more selfish myself. 

In addition, I think that to woman up means to be more feminine. If manning up means be more manly then that would make sense, right? The way we dress, act, and speak should all be done in a gentle and ladylike way. Many years ago I read the Surrendered Wife and it has helped me a lot. Even though I'm not perfect at it, I do put to practice the things in that book every day. Like I submit to what my husband wants to do and if he asks me questions about what way we should do something I say, "I'm sure you'll figure it out." 

The other thing she suggests is when a man says something mean to you just say, "Ouch." and then nothing else. This advice actually works. More often than not my husband will reflect on what he said and apologize to me. 

With manning up, it's all about the man standing up for himself and putting his woman in her place. With Womaning up, it's about backing down and letting a man figure out on his own that he is wrong.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I don't actually know what "Manning Up" is.....is there a post or information on here somewhere that I can read up on what it actually entails? I've read bits and pieces on posts where men are talking about doing it but not been able to find anywhere with a listed guidline kind of thing.

Manning Up....with what little I know of it, kind of sounds like "growing up"....taking responsibility for yourself? (correct me if I am wrong please).

I'll be back with some ideas on my take of Womanning Up once I learn what the Manning Up thing is


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Sit on his face. I hear that can do wonders.

But seriously, I think being fun and interesting are important. Be responsible for your own sht. Initiating sexy time is hawt. Have personal goals and interests. Create healthy boundaries.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, I've read, as others here have, all the threads about manning up. All geared towards MEN about how they can change the dynamic in their marriage - look more like the man - get respect back - be more attractive, therefore sex ramps up, etc., etc.
> 
> What about for us women?
> 
> ...


Hi,

Good question. 

My point of view is that to succeed in marriage there should be no such distinction between 'Manning Up' and 'Womanning Up' and, to use the wisdom of Mort Fertel, focus on becoming 'a tower of moral authority' regardless of gender. Distinctions between men & women generally just enforce gender stereotypes anyway. Gender is purely a social construct and the focus should be on being the best person you can be. I can definitely understand your frustration with men constantly talking about 'Manning Up' though. As a man, it frustrates me too as it is usually just about getting more sex when you really examine their motivations. 

My 2 cents.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I thought this thread was going to be about putting on red lipstick and high heels and suducing you man like when you were dating instead of wearing frumpy sweat shirts and sweat pants and acting indifferent.

Just more mind games 

seems a shame we have to play all thease games instead of just doing the right thing and loving your spouce. 

the last comment goes for both genders.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> I thought this thread was going to be about putting on red lipstick and high heels and suducing you man like when you were dating instead of wearing frumpy sweat shirts and sweat pants and acting indifferent.
> 
> Just more mind games
> 
> ...



You could look at it like that or you could look at it as doing what works. Some would say that putting on red lipstick and wearing high heels is a game if you are doing it to get your husband to pay more attention to you. Both are means to an end.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

_I suggest doing what makes YOU feel sexy and confident. When you have high self-esteem that is usually attractive to everyone, especially your spouse. The attention will be a reinforcer of the self-esteem and the high self-esteem will give you more attention! 

Building self-esteem is done differently for different people. Some build intellectual self-esteem and take classes, read more, and learn new subjects while others see outer appearance such as losing weight, getting a new haircut or changing vamping up their wardrobe more helpful in boosting the self-worth and -esteem.

Whatever makes you feel good, just keep doing it! You and others around you, including your loved ones, will all reap the benefits and rewards._


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