# Been a while....time for an update



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hi everyone,


Its time for an update about Mrs.Cuddlebug and I.


Her life long goal of having straight white teeth is now within a few months being completed. Her braces are coming off soon, teeth being whitened and I am really happy for her. I had to push her but she finally did this a few years ago and now in a few months its all done.

Now she has stopped going to the gym long ago, doesn't watch what she eats as much, calories per meal, etc. As a result she is getting really fat and is heavier than I am. I am 6 ft 2 at 225 lbs. She is 5 ft 10 at 230+ lbs. She has those big fat arms and legs now. For Mrs.CuddleBug to get in shape now, she'd have to lose a lot of weight. I still love her but I find her physically gross.

My sex drive is the same, love more adventurous, spontaneous sex, etc. She only wants sex 1x month and that's it. If I initiate, she turns me down 99% of the time, so I don't initiate much if at all anymore.

Mrs.CuddleBug has the money, her own car and freedom, yet she doesn't take care of her body, for her health and marriage and sex is....we'll, meh, does it 1x month to keep the marriage going?

I still eat healthy, know my calories and do more maintenance weight training. I am still big and strong, just more lean and not big and bulky.

I've learned from TAM that LD spouses usually never change. They might at first but then fall back into their old ways. Nothing you can do really.

On a positive note, we've been married 17 years as of Sept 11. 

I know, 9 - 11.....heh.


Would I of married Mrs.CuddleBug knowing she would let herself go and isn't interested in sex? NO. Why waste your life with someone like that?

I would of been a great friend to her though.

So overall, life is like a box of chocolates. You don't know what you'll get.

Great woman, just not a physical type woman. Can't win 'em all.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Does she know you post here?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am hoping......that after her braces come off and her teeth are whitened she will now focus on her body. Crossing my fingers big time.

She is everything I want in a woman, but she has to take care of her body and get a sex drive. Very important to me as I am HD and she knows this.

After the braces, crossing my fingers.....and toes.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many women who don't want sex will gain weight to make themselves unattractive so you'll stop initiating.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> Many women who don't want sex will gain weight to make themselves unattractive so you'll stop initiating.


I'm pretty convinced that is the case here. When she lost all of that weight a few years ago, CB thought that would somehow make her more adventurous and increase her drive. Instead I think she just mentally connected being fit and thinner to CB asking for more sex and more adventurious sex. CB I think you can look back at your thread and see right around the time you bought the sleeve and she freaked out, she also fell of the fitness wagon


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Why waste your life with someone like that?


This applies to the rest of your life too you know.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She is everything you want, except for the things that still seem to matter to you. I suspect you can do better - but you have to want to.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I hear what everyone is saying.


Mrs.CuddleBug is a bigger girl and she knows this.

Instead of taking care of her body for her "health and marriage"......she started the gym for a bit, then started making excuses and then stopped altogether. Result, she is a very big girl now.

Her body is her responsibility and hers alone. Either she takes care of it or she doesn't. No excuses.

She has the money, her own car and freedom, so again no excuses.

You honestly think us guys love to see our women let themselves go? Obviously not. That's lazy.

Remember in marriages, there is a hubby and wifee. You are not your own anymore and you take care of yourself for your spouse.

I have no sympathy for spouses who let themselves go, then their other halves get upset and they wonder why?!

If I can take care of my body for my health and for her, why can't she do the same for me?


Mrs.CuddleBug had bad teeth way before we started dating and she was very insecure about that. I pushed her to get braces and she finally did a few years ago. Now that she only has a few months, she realizes she wasted most of her life by doing nothing about it and always talking....

I am the type of guy who gets things done. I talk about it but its done yesterday. Mrs.CuddleBug talks about it and nothing gets done.....

If Mrs.CuddleBug never wanted sex to begin with, let herself go and here we are today, why did she agree to marry me? She could of said no and remained single, big and sexless.

I have changed so much since we got married, its awesome. I love to learn new things, adapt, get things done and move onward. For me, fate is what you make so do nothing, get nothing, but do something, get something.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So why still be married? No kids right? Sounds like you are roommate's who enjoy each other company like friends do but not lover's. You know you deserve a healthy and loving relationship right? Would she be shocked if you told her you found her physically gross and wanted out of the marriage?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I have never and will never tell Mrs.CuddleBug she is fat and needs to lose weight. Common sense.

She knows she is big and needs to do something about it. It's getting her to actually do something that is her lifelong challenge......you basically need a fire under her butt to get her doing things instead of talking and its put off.

No kids, correct. Only a cat.

Are we more room mates than lovers and hubby/wifee at times? Absolutely YES.

We don't fight much if at all, but since there is minimal physicality due to Mrs.CuddleBug, yah, room mates at times, very true.

Would she be surprised if I told her she is fat/gross and I wanted out of the marriage unless she makes the life style change? Yes and no. 

She knows but at the same time, knows I wouldn't hurt her feelings and actually say it but won't do anything about it because she is insecure and circle never ends......


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I have never and will never tell Mrs.CuddleBug she is fat and needs to lose weight. Common sense.
> 
> She knows she is big and needs to do something about it. It's getting her to actually do something that is her lifelong challenge......you basically need a fire under her butt to get her doing things instead of talking and its put off.
> 
> ...


You are concerned for her feelings but it doesn't sound like she is very concerned for your feelings. If she was you wouldn't be in a sexless marriage. You are waiting for things to change...that I am sure deep down you know will never change. Life is too short.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The big girl thing is a lot more difficult for her than you, possibly.

However, the once a month sex thing is on her. 

Question: would 8 times a month of duty sex make you happy?

If no, then you really need to consider letting her go. She will never make you happy, because she can't. She may love you, she may just not care for sex. Some people don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I am hoping......that after her braces come off and her teeth are whitened she will now focus on her body. Crossing my fingers big time.


"Hope" can be an important word, depending on what one means by it, and what one gets by using it in their thinking. I'm not sure exactly what you meant by it, but, perhaps it's worth thinking about.

What are the chances that you use "hope" here, in your thinking, as a coping mechanism, one that enables to you to postpone that which you fear most of all? 

I can be extremely/harshly realistic in some contexts and it serves me well. I can be "eternally optimistic" in others, and doing so can be quite helpful as it keeps me focused on the task at hand rather than getting distracted and discouraged. So, depending on the situation, I figure "hope" can be helpful or it can be harmful. And, it sure is hard to know in the moment.

If you had to put a number on the likelihood of her focusing on her body soon, what would it be? And, what about the likelihood of that focus turning into what it is you are ultimately wanting?




CuddleBug said:


> I love to learn new things, adapt, get things done and move onward. For me, fate is what you make so do nothing, get nothing, but do something, get something.


Knowing that about yourself, do you suppose it makes it more difficult to finally get the point where you accept that how she is, and how she has been, is almost certainly the way she is always going to be? Because once you accept that, you may find yourself at some level compelled to end your marriage?

I ask, because it's not clear to me where your head is at in what you posted above. You seem to clearly understand folks almost never change, yet, you still seem partially invested in the "hope" that she is going to change soon. That seems to happen often here on TAM (in my story, especially, too). It's like we want to keep the story going on and on, and fight acceptance of the truth about our situations and partners, because once we accept it, we know we are quite capable of taking action to move on or at least face that we are the one's choosing less for ourselves, and that's something we fear.


Sorry.. just rambling/thinking out loud. Might not apply to you. Certainly applies to me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, he knows she'll never change. But he loves her and doesn't want to accept that she won't change.

He says he's a "talk about it now, but it's done yesterday" kinda guy.

Well we can see that there's at least one thing that he'll talk about today, and may never follow through on. His wife knows it. He's not going anywhere.

I don't know what to say. I admire your love and loyalty. But I also know you are stuck and afraid if change just like me and everyone else.
The logical thing to do here is divorce and find a woman that likes sex and has all the good qualities your wife has. Easier said, than done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I have to agree with everyone here. Short of a miracle, Mrs.CuddleBug won't take care of her body, sex drive which effects our marriage.


When we first got married, I wore thick coke bottle glasses and I was 165 lbs at 6 ft 2......basically women didn't want anything to do with me.

I decided to get laser eye surgery and started eating better, more often and weight training. Now today, 225 lbs and 20 / 20 vision. I did this for myself and for Mrs.CuddleBug. She has told me, she isn't complaining.

Now over that time period, she has gotten bigger, sex drive is still 1x month and only over the last 2 years she got braces at my insistence because I knew its something she always wanted to do.

For me, I could still have sex every day, 7 days week.

Being more realistic, I could have sex every 2nd day, so 3x to 4x week sex, leaving 3 to 4 days a week of no sex.

Mrs.CuddleBug focusing on her body? Rating from 0 to 10?

0 being nothing and 10 being a life style change, I'd say 0 at this point in time.

If we had good sex 1x week and duty sex 2x week = 3x every week I see that as a compromise and I'm good with that. For her its too much, even 2x month is the limit it seems.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> she is getting really fat and is heavier than I am. I am 6 ft 2 at 225 lbs. She is 5 ft 10 at 230+ lbs. She has those big fat arms and legs now.


What a waste of orthodonture.

What is with these fatties that get all dressed up and put on all sorts of makeup and go out there looking like painted elephants?

"We're married to husbands that won't ever leave us so please pass the pudding".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Many women who don't want sex will gain weight to make themselves unattractive so you'll stop initiating.


My wife's cousin found out the hard way about this. his wife put in a lot of weight, turned LD for him, and told him to "look around". Like a moron (ivy league grad) he fell for it, and she nailed him via hired PI. She has a personal trainer now... Post divorce.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I wonder if its the testosterone factor?

Us men have a lot more test compared to the ladies. Makes us hornier, more muscular and stronger.


I'm noticing this as well. Larger ladies putting on more makeup with prettier hairstyles and clothing but not addressing the real issue, their body weight.


Makes no sense. Why let yourself go being married? Why not have crazier more adventurous fun sex while married and stay in great shape? 

But instead it takes being divorced to get back in shape? Being in shape wouldn't of resulted in getting divorced and the lack of sex.

Messed up......


It's almost why take care of myself? I'm married so I don't have to. Why do people get fat?......wedding cake.



Heh, Mrs.CuddleBug has pudding....:grin2:


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Yes, hormones are no friend of women at a certain age, and when women put on enough weight, they don't feel attractive and feel unworthy of their husbands. And hormones can reduce libido when the hormones drop off, and it just feeds the fear. 

Your wife is dealing with her teeth because that's what she thinks she has some control or influence over. 

And she loved you and married you when your wore coke-bottle thick glasses and weren't the amazing specimen of manhood that you are now, hoping, as many wise women do, that when the situation is reversed and the hormones aren't working for us but against us that you'd have the compassion to love her later in her life the way she loved you in the transitional stage of yours. 

So rather than agree with and affirm what others have said, that your wife has let herself go because she knows you won't leave, perhaps she knows you well enough, and perhaps has banked on the commitment you both made to each other, that the covert contract she, in the deep recesses of her heart, entered into with you would hold up. Once upon a time it would. Now in the 21st century Mr. Cuddlebug has other options. And maybe she needs time to figure out, once she begins to get some traction on restoring her beauty, how she can continue to do that, restore her confidence, and present you with a new and revitalized version of herself. 

Or, you could just be outgrowing her. Or, you could just have decided you want more sex and that matters more than anything else.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TeddieG said:


> perhaps has banked on the commitment you both made to each other, that the covert contract she, in the deep recesses of her heart, entered into with you would hold up.


I'm thinking there's a good reason why typical marriage vows contain the words "worse", "poorer", and "sicker" but not "fatter". It's like a loophole in a business contract.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The fat thing he could maybe get over and she could with on.

However, the once a month duty sex thing I couldn't live with. I'd feel totally unloved, feel like I was wasting time I could be spending with a real lover, and feel like I was being used.

Thing is, OP says he's not attracted to her, anyway. What's left?
One can find a friend to share bills.
It's not that hard.
If she had romantic feelings for him, they'd be having sex. She's supposed to love him romantically in a marriage. Life is too short. I'd have to think long and hard about giving her an ultimatum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

So her hormones stop functioning, she puts on weight. She could work out 8 hours a day and the weight wouldn't shift, and no matter what she does to shift it, he's not going to be attracted to her. 

And no, if she had romantic feelings for him, she'd very well be afraid to take her clothes off because she doesn't like how she looks and would assume he doesn't either. And as you, since he's not attracted to her, clearly she thinks it's about the weight. Yes, she's supposed to live him romantically in a marriage. But so the f**k is he, regardless of her weight. What has HE done during this process of aging and having hormones leave out the back door and leave nothing but cellulite and weight gain to assure her he finds her attractive? He hasn't said. I'd like to hear.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wise words everyone.


Mrs.CuddleBug is insecure about her body, so she doesn't want sex much if at all, but she isn't willing to get a personal trainer and make that lifestyle change either. Vicious circle.


We've been having sex 1x month, maybe 2x month for our entire marriage. Try that in your early 20's to early 40's......


I've relieved myself so many times because she is never in the mood I can't count that high.


See, Mrs.CuddleBug did decide to marry me and she knows I'm in this for the long haul but at the same time, just because we are married doesn't give her the option to let herself go and not get a personal trainer.


If she finally got off her butt, got a trainer, started getting in shape, losing weight and as the weight comes off, her confidence goes up, the sex increases too, I would be a very happy Mr.CuddleBug.


Did you know we have never been in the shower together?


Never in the bathroom together?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As the TV voiceover says, "past performance is not a guarantee of future results"... We did the whirlpool together a few times. A lot of good it did down the road...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> I have never and will never tell Mrs.CuddleBug she is fat and needs to lose weight. Common sense.
> 
> She knows she is big and needs to do something about it. It's getting her to actually do something that is her lifelong challenge......you basically need a fire under her butt to get her doing things instead of talking and its put off.
> 
> ...


I am really sorry.

If a spouse has a medical condition that affects their weight loss, or is trying and just not getting anywhere, I think that if you love them you look past the weight.

But when a spouse just lets themselves go - you're right, it is gross. Not just the physical appearance but to be tied to someone who does not care about their health or appearance. I don't mean gaining 20 or 30 pounds over the years - but I'm 5-5 and she weighs more than 110 lbs. more than me. That must be unattractive.

I would not tell her she is gross. But I would sit her down and tell her you love her but feel there is no passion in your life and you are not satisfied with that as marriage.

At least I say that is what I'd do. But I put up with a lot of disappointment in my M too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I will say that my ex was about 216 lbs after our second child. I never really noticed. No too long before she decided she wanted a divorce, she had old pictures out and showed me one of her and said her weight and that it was that high after our second child. She was still beautiful to me at the time the pic was taken. I noticed in the pic that she was big and pretty unattractive. But all through our marriage, I never thought she was anything but beautiful. As God is my witness, that is the truth.
Of course, after she killed the love I had for her, I could see her in a totally different light. 

OP, I think the love you had for your wife must be waning, or you'd likely still be able to see her beauty. Maybe you still do.
Really, if this is how it's been your entire marriage, why the sadness about it now?
It is what it is. There are worse things than very little sex and a chunky wife. 
I am very sorry about it all. I've been lucky in the sex dept. so I don't know how it feels to be in a near sexless marriage. I know it would suck big time. 
I really don't think a trainer and weight loss is gonna get you any more sex. You'll likely just want it more. She won't, but at least she'd feel better about herself. 
I urge you not to ever let her get prescript. Diet pills. My ex took them without my knowledge. They have caused untold pain for me and her. It's not worth it. 
Probably a huge factor in our divorce.
I wish there was a cure for such a senseless problem as no desire for sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I will say that my ex was about 216 lbs after our second child. I never really noticed. No too long before she decided she wanted a divorce, she had old pictures out and showed me one of her and said her weight and that it was that high after our second child. She was still beautiful to me at the time the pic was taken. I noticed in the pic that she was big and pretty unattractive. But all through our marriage, I never thought she was anything but beautiful. As God is my witness, that is the truth.
> Of course, after she killed the love I had for her, I could see her in a totally different light.
> 
> OP, I think the love you had for your wife must be waning, or you'd likely still be able to see her beauty. Maybe you still do.
> ...


216 lbs/98 kg is a lot of weight especially if your ex is short. My wife is 5'7" and was 60kg /132 lbs before the birth of our second child, and only put on baby weight during the pregnancy and quickly went back to that weight not long after (plenty of walking no extra eating). Almost 13 years later and my wife is soon turning 46 and she is 65 kg/146 lbs which is still a healthy weight, anytime my wife is putting weight on I tell her she's getting fat, likewise she does the same to me.

Anyway one line of thought is this can lead someone to thinking you don't care much about them at all, if you don't notice any significant changes and ignore it all.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Wise words everyone.
> 
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug is insecure about her body, so she doesn't want sex much if at all, but she isn't willing to get a personal trainer and make that lifestyle change either. Vicious circle.
> ...


What are you insecure about, what are you afraid of?

If your marriage sux and you are in effect roommates who just happen to very occasionally share sex together to scratch an itch. I don't see why you don't actually do something about it to find something and someone better.

At the end of the day, you are getting exactly what you choose to get. While-ever you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same result. Oddly enough you do know this is true, yet here you are still pressing on and complaining about what you keep choosing to have.

When will you have the courage to finally end this?


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi Cuddlebug,

I rarely post but have been around for a long time and I read. I recall your wife freaking out when your job of many years let you go, and I noticed that's when the weight started adding back on. I think a lot of it had to do with her anxiety and stress while you were out of work.

You could point that out to her and perhaps see if that might help. She may also have a hormonal disorder like PCOS or a number of things. I wish you both the best.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I hear what everyone is saying.
> 
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug is a bigger girl and she knows this.
> ...


*Because, deep down, some people have an inate but greater desire for human socialization moreso than for sexual contact!

The sad fact of the matter is that they don't really have the inclination nor the courage to say that, prior to promising it to their spouses in their marital vows, that are duly made to them!

It's kind of like that by simply crossing their fingers, they feel that over the course of time, they can make marital sex all go away! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You should find a fit, smoking hot personal trainer to come to the house for a personal one on one session 3 days a week. And then keep talking about her all the time with your W.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Cuddlebug, your wife has always been overweight and she's always wanted sex 1x a month . _She_ hasn't changed. _You_ have. You're entitled to your preferences but you are not entitled to blame your wife for being exactly who she's always been - an overweight woman who cares little for fitness with a 1x per month sex drive. 

Ask yourself what's changed to make you start resenting her now. Is there someone else who has caught your fancy? Are you unjustly comparing your wife to this new person?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you marry her thinking at the time she was all you could get? You felt you settled because she was not your type physically and now you feel you could get someone more visually appealing? Maybe like that teenager at your work you mentioned being attracted to?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi Cuddle Bug, I was a regular poster during the whole time your wife was losing weight a few years ago. I remember that helped her feel so much better about herself and your marriage was improved during that time.

However! Her feelings for sex remained the same pretty much the same during that time. I recall you saying you were having more sex - but if you did not initiate it wouldn't have happened. She wouldn't allow you to help her orgasm. There was a trade off that you were caring for her in ways that see saw as love. In return she was giving you more physical love. She did not blossom into an adventurous high drive female during that time. But things were better. 

After a long enough period of time a person's soul can be crushed by feeling unwanted. The constant rejection. One goes through all the stages of grief and the last stop is losing attraction for your spouse. If you guys were having the sex you have always desired I don't think her weight would make any difference to you. 

You could manipulate her into losing weight by threatening divorce. But that's not the point is it? The point is the sexual incompatibility. That wont be fixed by her weight loss.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yep, bottom line is the sexual mismatch.


I am HD adventurous.

Mrs.CuddleBug is LD conservative.


I take care of myself.

Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't.


Totally agreed. Even with weight loss I doubt her interest in sex would change.


I got into my marriage thinking we both would grow and change together, to better ourselves and of course everything flows from that, including the bedroom.


True. I have changed a lot since we got married. Mrs.CuddleBug hasn't changed much at all.


My porn use was a lot in the beginning of my marriage but today, my porn use is maybe 1x month. Porn has never been an issue in our marriage.


And she wanted a new laptop, so I picked one out and she loves it. On it even more now.....I don't think she could go 24 hours not being on her laptop.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CB, your wife sounds like a clone of mine. Beautiful day outside, she's inside playing games on her laptop when she should be outside with the kids. 

Correct on the weight loss and sex drive - my wife lost about 50 lbs several years ago (however, she did find the 50 lbs and a few more since), but even though she looked good, her sex drive was still about zero. 

In my case, just like yours, I just want to see her make an effort to lose the weight and get in shape. I don't need seeing her in her bra showing me her fat roll - just stay away from the snacks and go out for a walk. When it's sunny and 80 degrees, why are you sitting on the couch with the laptop on your belly playing games?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MissScarlett said:


> You could manipulate her into losing weight by threatening divorce. But that's not the point is it? The point is the sexual incompatibility. That wont be fixed by her weight loss.


I don't know, if the threat of divorce would be sufficient motivation, she'd lose the weight and he'd regain attraction for her. She'd be healthier, the grocery bill would drop, sex would be great, and they would live happily ever after. Until and unless such time as she turns back into a pumpkin.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Wise words everyone.
> 
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug is insecure about her body, so she doesn't want sex much if at all, but she isn't willing to get a personal trainer and make that lifestyle change either. Vicious circle.
> ...


Vicious circle indeed. I hear mine make comments about how fat she is, but in the next breath I see her downing a bag of Cheetos or eating all of the fries that the kids didn't eat. Always complains that she's tired, but makes no effort to get off her rear to go exercise (and she has friends that always ask her to go for long walks - she makes excuses why she can't go). She remembers how good she looked and felt when she dropped all of the weight before, but now doesn't want to make the effort - easier to just complain about your body than do something about it. Sex? Just too much work. Much easier to lay in bed until 8:30, then be in a bad mood because the kids got up and she couldn't sleep until 10:00. 

Feel for you, my friend. You can't make them do what they don't want to do. I just try to set an example by getting outside to walk, ride my bike, take the kids outside, etc., and also eating somewhat good (although I'm certainly not the best at this, but I try to have a carrot in place of a cookie). Also get you on relieving yourself - easier to just fantasize about the ex-GF who at least wanted a lot of sex than try to get the wife in the mood when she'd rather sit on her rear with a bag of cookies and her computer playing games.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I hear what everyone is saying.
> 
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug is a bigger girl and she knows this.
> ...


Have you told her this? Brutal honesty can hurt feelings in the short run. But you owe it to her. You are not taking care of HER by withholding this stuff. 



> If I can take care of my body for my health and for her, why can't she do the same for me?


ARE you doing it for her? Or in the hopes of getting more sex for YOU? They are not the same.




> Mrs.CuddleBug had bad teeth way before we started dating and she was very insecure about that. I pushed her to get braces and she finally did a few years ago. Now that she only has a few months, she realizes she wasted most of her life by doing nothing about it and always talking....
> 
> I am the type of guy who gets things done. I talk about it but its done yesterday. Mrs.CuddleBug talks about it and nothing gets done.....
> 
> If Mrs.CuddleBug never wanted sex to begin with, let herself go and here we are today, why did she agree to marry me? She could of said no and remained single, big and sexless.


Because she did not know you had a different set of expectations around sex? Or. Now no one wants to hear this. Maybe the sex sucks. We hear a lot on this board, "well she enjoys it when we do have it". Enjoys it??? How totally blah! 




> I have changed so much since we got married, its awesome. I love to learn new things, adapt, get things done and move onward.


Hmmmm maybe SHE doesn't think it is awesome. Your posts continue to be all about "to ME". What do you know about what is important to her?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I have never and will never tell Mrs.CuddleBug she is fat and needs to lose weight. Common sense.


It is NOT common sense. You think she is GROSS. She has a right to know that. You are basically lying to her.



> She knows she is big and needs to do something about it. It's getting her to actually do something that is her lifelong challenge......you basically need a fire under her butt to get her doing things instead of talking and its put off.
> 
> No kids, correct.


Not really. You treat her like a child.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> We've been having sex 1x month, maybe 2x month for our entire marriage. Try that in your early 20's to early 40's......



Why do you think SHE should think it should be any different? Why is HER expectation of sex WRONG?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Because in her mindset (influenced by FOO, culture, religion, et al) sex is something used to procreate only, shameful even in marriage, or only for the 30 and under crowd.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Or all but one of your friends don't have sex with their husbands, so that's makes you normal. The one that actually has regular sex is the outlier.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

But it is common sense - why would CB want to tell his wife she's fat? She obviously knows that and has decided that she's content to stay that way absent any move to eat better and/or exercise. 

In most cases, telling your wife/gf she's fat is a recipe for disaster. If I said that to my wife, she'd make sure to show me how much crap she could eat. You think I'm fat? Watch me eat these five doughnuts - I'll show you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

That's why there are divorce lawyers. Marriage isn't a life long death sentence. I'll get remarried again and if it goes south, I'll bail. I have one life to live and I'm going to make it the best possible. 

Jay-Z said it best... If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a beotch ain't one!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> But it is common sense - why would CB want to tell his wife she's fat?


He should tell her that he thinks she is gross. She thinks she is married to a decent guy. One who accepted her weight when they married. It is a pretty harsh truth. But it IS the truth. Then she can decide what to do with a guy who wants more sex with someone he finds gross.



> She obviously knows that and has decided that she's content to stay that way absent any move to eat better and/or exercise.
> 
> In most cases, telling your wife/gf she's fat is a recipe for disaster. If I said that to my wife, she'd make sure to show me how much crap she could eat. You think I'm fat? Watch me eat these five doughnuts - I'll show you.


Why would anyone want to remain married to someone who does not like you?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug let herself go because she is physically lazy, doesn't exercise or watch her calories to see how her body responds.

That is all her own doing.

She chose this, while I chose to eat better, know my calories, and exercise.


Stop defending Mrs.CuddleBug. It's getting old already.

She made the choices in life to be the size she is today.

It's called being adult and there are consequences to everything.


Most people like sex and want it more than less. Don't need to be told that.


Again, she let herself go, laziness, undisciplined, etc. Why would anyone want to spend their life with someone like that???


I took care of myself because in part, I want to be hotter for Mrs.CuddleBug and she has told me, she likes and isn't complaining....


Women shouldn't have to be told, get in shape, you're fat and get a sex drive. Really?! Are we sheltered?


Most guys have high sex drives. Not rocket science and the ladies don't need to be told that. We all finished high school right?


I took the 5 love languages quiz and so did she. I am Physical rating 12 and she is Acts of service rating 12. She is LD and I am HD. We both know each others needs.


I treat Mrs.CuddleBug like a child? That's another excuse. Mrs.CuddleBug chose not to take care of herself, doesn't watch what she eats, doesn't exercise, etc. An adult accomplished woman knows these things without being told......same goes for us guys.


If you act like a child and not an adult, you will be treated as such.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

But she's always not given you much sex. Why now the problem?
You married her. For better or worse. She hasn't changed. Why are you upset now?

Not saying you're wrong, not saying you're upset for nothing. Just trying to figure out why you're pissed when she's not really changed a thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This isn't a bait-and-switch situation as many stories are on TAM. This is who she always has been. As you know, solutions for this common problem are always very limited. That's the sad reality of HD/LD mismatches.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I'll stick my nose in here for CB as his situation sounds extremely similar to mine - he sees how she made the effort to lose the weight and get in shape, but for whatever reason she's decided that it's not worth making the effort to stay in shape and look good. Much easier to sit around than to go out for a long walk. I know that it's annoying when my wife talks about how tired she feels, how fat she is, etc., but makes no effort to actually do something about it. I've told her I'll come home to watch the kids while she goes out to exercise, but she won't do it. 

It's not supposed to be easy - I'd rather not get up early in the morning to go out for a bike ride, but I do it. I'd rather eat that bag of chips, but I know that carrots are better so I snack on those. CB's wife is lazy, simple as that. She can make the effort but chooses not to do so.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug let herself go because she is physically lazy, doesn't exercise or watch her calories to see how her body responds.
> 
> That is all her own doing.
> 
> ...


This makes no sense to me. You clearly don't like this person. But you will not be honest with her. And you want more sex with her. How does this work?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Here's my anecdote for today - warm here so I get up early and get the weeds pulled and grass cut, followed by weed whacking and some clean up in the garage. Take kids out for a walk around the neighborhood. Finished by moving some things from downstairs storage to outside (which is a chore because the storage area is stuffed full). Ate a decent breakfast, a small lunch, and a small dinner. 

Wife gets up around 9:30, sits on her rear on the computer until 11:00 when she finally decides to get up to feed the kids. Goes back to her computer until the afternoon when she goes to a friends house to deliver something. Comes home and stuffs her face for dinner and washes it down with a bag of chips. 

There's more but this is enough. Why should I have to tell her to get up and go outside to exercise? She'll complain that it's too hot (get up early then - nope, can't do that). Should I tell her not to follow up her dinner with a bag of chips? 

Again, I see her sitting on the couch with the fat roll on her belly prominently displayed with her fat arms - I'm supposed to be attracted to that? I'm making an effort to stay in shape and watch what I eat, and she's too lazy to get up except to get a snack. And she wonders why I don't initiate sex, not that she cares because she's ZD anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you tell her all this?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She knows.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BIG difference.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

John' correct - she knows. As I was getting the bath ready for the kids along with their clothes, toothbrushes, and drinks, they were playing in the room where she was sitting on the couch playing her computer game. I got a little annoyed as I wanted the kids in the bath, and she made a comment about how she's sitting around while I'm doing all of the work. 

This is why I relate to what CB is going through - he's seen her make the effort to lose the weight and get in shape so he knows she can do it. For whatever reason, she'd rather not. Same for me - mine sees me watch what I eat and exercise, but for her much easier to talk a good game (I'll start exercising when schools out for the summer, which lasts about two days) than to actually do it.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

CB,

So you've been here 4 years having the same problem with your W. She shows no signs of wanting to change.

No kids, so why do you stay ?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

There is a difference between knowing you are fat and knowing exactly what your spouse feels about it. It is one thing to think, hey I am fat and my husband thinks I am lazy and gross. And still wants to have sex with me. It would be very interesting to know my husband thinks I am fat but still just goes along in doormat style without DOING anything to effect change.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

barbados said:


> No kids, so why do you stay ?


Perhaps he's a masochist?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> This isn't a bait-and-switch situation as many stories are on TAM. This is who she always has been. As you know, solutions for this common problem are always very limited. That's the sad reality of HD/LD mismatches.


But from her point of view it might well be a bait and switch situation. She married you when you looked and weighed much different you were 'equal' now you are saying that is not good enough.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> There is a difference between knowing you are fat and knowing exactly what your spouse feels about it. It is one thing to think, hey I am fat and my husband thinks I am lazy and gross. And still wants to have sex with me. It would be very interesting to know my husband thinks I am fat but still just goes along in doormat style without DOING anything to effect change.


What exactly do you expect him to do to effect changes? CB is correct - his wife is an adult and knows that she's overweight, and still makes no effort to lose the weight and get in shape. Based on what CB says, she weighs more than me (I'm about 215 at 6'1"). If she can't figure that out, then nothing he says will make a difference. 

My wife uses the "I'm tired" excuse - she's always too tired to do anything except play on the computer, watch TV, and stuff food in her face. Blames the kids even though she could take them out for a walk, which I do all the time - it's either too hot, too cold, or the moon is in the wrong phase. Goes to the store and makes sure that she has a ready supply of candy - God forbid that there's no candy in the house. I can be tired, but I also get up early to go out for a bike ride first thing. She'd rather sleep late and complain about how tired she is - maybe make an effort to watch what you eat and exercise.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> What exactly do you expect him to do to effect changes?


Leave. 



> CB is correct - his wife is an adult and knows that she's overweight, and still makes no effort to lose the weight and get in shape. Based on what CB says, she weighs more than me (I'm about 215 at 6'1"). If she can't figure that out, then nothing he says will make a difference.


But somehow that overweightness was ok when they met and married. And now, he finds her GROSS. His word. Yet still wants to have more sex with her. How does this make him this awesome guy he thinks he is? He is dishonest with her. Finds her repulsive and lazy. Yet his one complaint is she is not banging him enough.

Personally, I LOVE having sex with men who pull a bait and switch on me. I love having sex with men who loved me once upon a time then decided that not only am I not good enough anymore, I am GROSS. And I trust men who want to have sex with me despite finding me gross. All fricking in on that one!


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

My mind boggles there for a minute. Complains about sex yet finds her repulsive? 
No desire to 'make love' then. 
Just wants a quick bang to keep his needs met. 
From a woman view u come off as a bit of a jerk I'm sorry to say and I'm intrigued to hear the real reason she has no drive to change. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Having read CB posts for years - if his wife wanted him I doubt the extra weight would even be noticeable to him. 

What's happening here is he saw her weight as a barrier to HER enjoying sex. And felt if she were more co didn't and felt good about her body they would enjoy a vibrant sex life. 

But if didn't happen that way. She still doesn't want him and now he doesn't want her either. When you reject someone for almost 2 decades they lose interest.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm confused.

The OP complains that his wife is fat and lazy and completely unattractive and he's no longer attracted to her - yet he complains that he wants more sex from her.

I don't get it. :scratchhead:


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

He wants sex. His only ethical way to get sex (if he is unwilling to divorce) is to have it with her. So he wants sex with her even though he doesn't want sex with HER. He wants sex with his wife. He doesn't want sex with the particular person who currently occupies to position of "his wife". It is a painful and mind-bending dilemma. Which drives people to post on forums like this is an attempt to resolve the internal conflict. The only way to actually resolve the conflict is to get divorced and find someone you want to have sex with who wants to have sex with you. Those of us unwilling to do that find temporary relief from the endless torment by posting here.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Leave.
> Personally, I LOVE having sex with men who pull a bait and switch on me. I love having sex with men who loved me once upon a time then decided that not only am I not good enough anymore, I am GROSS. And I trust men who want to have sex with me despite finding me gross. All fricking in on that one!


I see your point, I think. And, I can relate -- having lived it. It turns out having sex with my wife, who clearly is not attracted to me, is not the life and love affirming experience I had thought it would be. Instead, it's a bit degrading -- self-degrading in my case since I had been the one asking for it.

That said, I don't see direct relevancy of your point to his wife and their situation, or how keeping his disgust to himself is a first order matter to attend to. He thinks she is gross, yes, but clearly that is not why she doesn't want to have sex. Again, I understand how that enough to make the fire die, but there never was a fire. So, why do you focus so much on that? (SS, I'm asking that rhetorically, not as an accusation or challenge, but because you seem to be open and interested in introspection. I don't desire to shift focus).

Re. questions as to why and how it works, I can only speculate from my experience. IME it is pretty natural to feel as if "he/she would just give me what has been withheld then everything will be fine and love will flourish." The mere act of withholding can have a powerful effect on the other. For awhile, it seems like it's not happening, because it just can't happen. Then, one admits it can be happening, but it must be do to some misunderstanding. Then, well, maybe there is a real problem, but one that can be easily addressed, and surely he/she will be as interested in fixing it as I am -- no worries, we'll see. Oh, now I understand, he/she simply doesn't see how important it is to me -- I'll let him/her know, and since our love is mutual you'll see him/her get right on it.... You'll see. Hmmm, now why isn't this working? Can't the other understand how important this is -- and if the other just gives me a little bit -- I don't need much, really -- just a little bit of what I so strongly desire and think I might need, then we both can believe everything is ok, or at least believe we have the potential to make everything turn out ok. Ok, I don't like this and maybe I don't like the other much anymore, but I want what we used to have. Sh!t, maybe we never really had it, but I don't want the dream to die.

The thing that is hard to know and feel while your in it is, the dream has become a nightmare. You have to force yourself to wake up, reset, and live, before contentment and ease and a pleasurable life can come true.

It's just hard. Hard to accept. Hard to let go. Hard to remember you deserved better. Hard to keep perspective on the passage of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ChargingCharlie said:


> But it is common sense - why would CB want to tell his wife she's fat? She obviously knows that and has decided that she's content to stay that way absent any move to eat better and/or exercise.
> 
> In most cases, telling your wife/gf she's fat is a recipe for disaster. If I said that to my wife, she'd make sure to show me how much crap she could eat. You think I'm fat? Watch me eat these five doughnuts - I'll show you.


Not everyone would react like this... some personalities are more like ..."You son of a B**ch I'll show you" and Loose the weight.. just to prove they CAN...they see it as a challenge.. a healthy one at that... Then they may leave..

Then others are so offended, they want nothing more than to Pi$$ the other off at any cost... this will surely only reaps ashes. 

All I have to contribute is.. I feel for you @CuddleBug.. I wouldn't be able to handle what you're dealing with...it would affect my entire personality, which wouldn't be good for anyone around me.. 

Situations like THIS make us ripe for an affair.. it's not nice to say.. but its reality... that's why I am more prone to say "get out" before one actually finds themselves in the "perfect storm"..


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you asked your wife if she is happily married and if so what makes her happy about being married to you? Or if not, why not?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> What exactly do you expect him to do to effect changes? CB is correct - his wife is an adult and knows that she's overweight, and still makes no effort to lose the weight and get in shape. Based on what CB says, she weighs more than me (I'm about 215 at 6'1"). If she can't figure that out, then nothing he says will make a difference.
> 
> My wife uses the "I'm tired" excuse - she's always too tired to do anything except play on the computer, watch TV, and stuff food in her face. Blames the kids even though she could take them out for a walk, which I do all the time - it's either too hot, too cold, or the moon is in the wrong phase. Goes to the store and makes sure that she has a ready supply of candy - God forbid that there's no candy in the house. I can be tired, but I also get up early to go out for a bike ride first thing. She'd rather sleep late and complain about how tired she is - maybe make an effort to watch what you eat and exercise.


sugar addiction. its a ******. the tiredness is real, also likely to be severe dehydration due to the effects of the sugar in the bloodstream.

on the "upside" with the liver, heart, and diabetes side effects from that particular addiction she probably won't be around for too long.

It *is* a real physical and mental addiction. And will require _major_ continuous effort to break. And like many "legal addictions" it can be exceptionally difficult mentally.

Problem with sugar addiction is that exercise dehydrates and burns out the available sugars really fast. So the sugar addict doesn't get that "good feeling" from exercise, they crash instead, and the constant dehydration (and lack of exercise) makes the recovery take a longer time...and the first thing the addict does is...reach for their addiction in times of discomfort and stress.
I'd try to give you good advice for it, but honestly I'm fight this demon myself personally, so let me know if you find some good leads. (I'm thinking of "green diet" to try and reduce urges/withdrawal symptoms. and have had a slight success by reducing to days on/days off and keeping occupied with other things)


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