# Introduction to our issues...



## room230 (Feb 25, 2012)

Hi there. I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and I have liked what I have seen, so I have decided to join and begin posting in threads. 

I am a 32 year old man. My wife is a 24 year old woman. We have been married a year and a half. I have two children who were definitely the only good things to come out of my previous marriage.

My wife and I have known each other about four and a half years and dated for about nine months before we got married. During the time that we were dating and up to about six months into our marriage, we had a lot of sex of all kinds. We were probably intimate between 4-6 times a week during that time period, and we both had a really great time.

My first marriage was a disaster and let's just say that I was not interested in having sex with my first wife on a regular basis. My wife's previous longest relationship was four years long, and the last three of those years were more like a roommate/friends with occasional benefits sort of set up. So as you can imagine, when we got together... We had a lot of energy built up - for each other and for sex itself.

The problem at this point is the fact that my libido has dropped considerably and hers has not. I am still attracted to her and wish that it could be like it was when we first got together, or even halfway between what is like now and how it was then... But the fact is that I just don't really get horny like I used to get horny. I know that most of the people who talk about problems like this have real issues, but we're currently at around... Once every two weeks and I know it isn't cutting it. 

I don't wake up with erections and I don't get hard like I used to get hard and I just don't think about sex like I used to think about sex. I have never been an alpha type and even when things were going well, my wife had voiced concerns that I didn't ever initiate sex... But as you can imagine, now... It's just really hard for me to initiate when my body betrays me. It's hard to fake it until you make it when it won't go along for the ride. 

We have always had money problems, but I will say that things started to go downhill for me sexually when the problems intensified. At this point, things are looking up monetarily - we both make more money than we have ever made and we have moved away from the depressing area of Michigan when where we met. We have had to ask for a lot of help from my family to do so and we have just about run out of people willing to help us out, but we are finally at the point where it doesn't look like we will need more help. I know that financial stress can be really hard on a man's sexuality, and not being independent probably doesn't help much either.

When the problems intensified, I started looking around for possible causes. I started lifting weights again for the first time in a few years and cleaned up my diet as well as I could, and that occasionally seemed to make a difference. I didn't have health care - I still don't - but I swallowed my pride and talked to my father about the situation. My parents agreed to pay for me to visit a urologist. I talked to him about it and he gave me samples of Viagra and Cialis. He also ordered some bloodwork for me. My t levels came back at 410 - low for my age, sure, but not low enough for him to consider treatment. After using the samples - they worked as you would think - plenty of wood and make it easier to fake the desire until it actually kicked in - and when I went back to him he prescribed me the daily Cialis. My parents balked at the price, with good reason, and I had no way to pay for it myself. That was this past July, one year into our marriage.

We have had better periods here and there but the fact is that I just don't seem to get that feeling like I used to. I don't get it from looking at other women, either. When I was younger, and even during my first marriage... I was a daily masturbator. I was very much into pornography and there didn't seem to be five minutes that went by that I didn't think about sex until I turned about 30 years old. When I got together with my current wife, I stopped masturbating (unless it was by request, which she always loved) and she thought that was strange but I didn't think anything of it. 

I feel like I'm too young to be so sexually dead. I know I was never the ravaging type but I want to have the chance for that. I don't know what to do in my financial situation - I think T supplements would probably go a long way but it is totally not workable.

I feel absolutely terrible for my wife at this point. I haven't been able to treat her anywhere near the way that she deserves to be treated in terms of the normal sort of gifts that a husband buys for a young wife and the one thing that I used to be able to provide... Well, it's totally hit or miss. I am still totally into giving her pleasure, just as I always have been... And in fact, doing that is something that still occasionally gets me in the mood... But she doesn't want that unless she feels that it will lead somewhere and she can make me feel good. When she does try to initiate, if I don't respond within a minute or two she will give up and give me the "It's alright" and a little smile... But minutes later, she is crying and can't be convinced that I'm still attracted to her...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Are you into supplements and herbs? They're pretty cheap. There are a lot of natural substances that can help. Sublingual B12 is great, you put a few drops under your tongue and let it sit there. It gives you energy and increases blood flow to the genitals. There are a lot out there, just be careful when you start googling to look for a reputable site that isn't trying to sell you basically speed or something dangerous. If you need help let me know, I'm pretty good at telling the good vs. crap sites about natural remedies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also it sounds to me like it's a stress/money issue. It's really common for men to lose drive when they can't provide or they lose their job. Did you live I'm Detroit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## room230 (Feb 25, 2012)

I have done a lot of reading on the subject over the past year, and I do think that things are most related to stress and money. We actually didn't live in Detroit but in the middle of the state. We recently moved to Indianapolis so that I could be closer to my daughters. We are currently living in an extended stay hotel and saving up money to get a rental house of our own, and while we're making more money than ever before... we still have a ways to go. I am definitely providing better than I have ever provided before but I wonder if these things take some time or what. 

I am currently taking zinc and magnesium and B6 and B12, all for testosterone production and blood flow issues. I tried L-Arginine a while back and it seemed to help me get hard but I needed to take about six tabs to get the desired effect, and still... The libido needs the real kick. I have been looking at D-Aspartic Acid, which was marketed to the bodybuilding crowd as a testosterone booster. Most people who tried it didn't see much from a muscle standpoint, as the the t-boost wasn't that strong... But they did note libido increase. Trials have indicated that it does boost testosterone and probably requires an estrogen blocker. It seems like a future option, when we get settled somewhere.

It was amazing how things were so good for so long and then bam... Not much of anything. Most orgasms that I have had in the last year have happened before I really had the chance to get fully hard. I have always been fast and my wife has never minded that, but you know... It seems to take thirty minutes to get me halfway there and then I seem to miss the window unless we just cut to the chase, which is not the point of things.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think it's one of those things where you get stressed, your start having issues, then you get more stressed because you don't have the desire anymore and the erection issues....then that stress makes you less into it, then you have more stress....it's a vicious cycle.
It sounds like there's a lot of psychological stuff going on. It's great that you're closer to your daughters. 
Have you heard of sensate focus? I took Human Sexuality in college and it's a way to just relax and take the pressure off when people are stressed about sex and performance. I've never had that issue or had a chance to use it but I'd imagine that it would really help if your wife is willing. 
Sensate Focus Exercises
I went through a phase where I wanted to be Dr. Ruth. LOL


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## room230 (Feb 25, 2012)

Thanks for responding again... 

We may have to look into the Sensate Focus Exercises...

Sometimes the thing that I think that I need the most is just time, but then I think that could just be a way to avoid the issues... I don't want to avoid the issues, and just wish there was a way to hit reset on my sexuality at this point.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Stuff that helps:
 Exercise. Both weights and aerobic are helpful in different ways. 
 Zinc, in the evening.
 Vitamin B, in the morning.
 Magnesium before bed.
 Maca. I find the raw, organic powder is the best. Take it about an hour before sex.
 Horny Goat Weed. Take this about an hour before sex.
 Tribulus terrestris. Take in the morning.
 Acetyl-L-Carnitine, in the morning.
By the way, I don't recommend taking the herbs long-term. The maca seems to be okay taken more often. The tribulus is supposed to be taken for one month on and two months off, as far as I remember. The horny goat weed I'd only take every so often. No studies that I know of have been done to see if they can all be taken together, so you do so at your own risk. Also, if you are on any kind of medication or have any health issues, please check with your doctor first, before taking anything I've listed. Several herbs for boosting libido can act as MAOIs, which is a big no-no if you're taking anti-depressants, in particular. In fact, I should just say outright as a disclaimer to *check with your doctor before you take any of that stuff*. Anything that has a positive effect has potential negative effects, some of them quite serious.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes you should check with your doctor, definitely! 
If your need more time I would think that you are stressed and you need to relax.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I am sorry. I am about to be really harsh. You can stop reading this now if you don't like harsh stuff. And I did read all the parts about how you are working on your money issues, still...

What is a 32 yr old doing having his parents pay for his Cialis prescription? And you cannot even afford health insurance. (yes, I know it's expensive, talk to our president about that, but are you gonna send the bill to your parents again if something unthinkable happens?)

Were you ever financially stable to even consider your first marriage? Then 2 kids? Then a second marriage?

My apology again. But you have a young wife, and she needs to grow up also. You guys need to work on building a good nest first. The least she needs to worry about is doubting your feelings for her based on sexual performance. We were all young once and I remember the tough days. This is the time to sail the ship together. I am not saying your wife should be asexual, but she can try to be more understanding and patient. That would help taking the psychological burden off you also. 

Good luck.


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## room230 (Feb 25, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> I am sorry. I am about to be really harsh.


First of all, I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply. I don't mind your harsh comments - they aren't anywhere near as harsh as I can be with myself, so don't worry about that.

My first marriage was the result of the fact that I didn't see a painless (for her) way out of a relationship with a woman that made no effort to do anything but have my attention. No work, no fitness, no friends, nothing. It was dreadful. I had such tunnel vision that I thought that if I wasn't going to be happy, at least she would. With that came spending less time on my studies (at her request) and more time with her, then a marriage, then a house, and then kids. She was my first girlfriend and she played me for everything that she could get - hell, your first duty is to yourself and I don't blame her. It was all a terrible mistake but I do have two beautiful daughters because of that marriage.

Personally, I have never had very much of what most people think of as ambition. I have never cared much for material possessions other than on a utilitarian level. I just wanted a simple life with a great woman and to have enough money to have experiences, rather than accumulate wealth. Now, obviously my plans have had to change quite a bit along the way... But when I met my current wife, it seemed to me that I had found a person who wanted most of the same things that I wanted. She did say that she would have liked to have had a bigger wedding, et cetera... But more than that, she said that she didn't care if we were broke. I had asked her to marry me and she just wanted to be my wife and that would make it special no matter how many flowers or guests we had. 

When we got together, we both had full time jobs - not good paying jobs, but full-time nonetheless. We had met working together, as assistant managers at a retail store. She was good friends with our manager and the fact was that he hated me. I had been there longer than he had been there and he had risen to the position of manager - a job he deserved more than I did, so I had no problems - but he seemed to despise me. While he was gay, he did seem to get very jealous of my wife and I when we would work together because there was an obvious spark. He wanted all of that attention. It was all very confusing. This was before we even dated. Then when we did start dating... Well, he demoted her without giving a reason. She quit the job a few weeks later and I stayed. At that point he began cutting my hours and avoiding me, to the point that I was getting 10 hours a week at a job 20 minutes away from home. I filed for underemployment and looked for work but I couldn't find anything full time and settled on a 20 hour a week job in the same town. My wife found a part-time job closer to home, but as you can see... We went from being pretty stable to needing help with my mortgage payments every other month.

After trying to make it work in Michigan for about a year and a half, we finally admitted that we were getting nowhere and I was tired of never seeing my daughters, so I asked my brother for monetary help for us to move down here to Indiana, where my ex-wife lives. He gave me a month and a half's worth of cash to stay in a hotel and look for a job, and within ten days I had a job making 1.5 times what I had ever made in Michigan, even after child support is taken out. My wife followed a few weeks after, and she too has a full-time job making about a dollar an hour more than she ever made in Michigan. The cost of living here is the same as it was in our area of Michigan. So as you can imagine... Things are looking up financially. We're finally out of poverty in terms of what we make, but paying for health care would send us straight back to where we were. When we get settled here, I will start putting feelers out to see if I can find anything better with included health care. I am currently doing a version of data entry that is based on daily performance and it is the first job that I have ever actually enjoyed. I believe there are higher positions in the company that include health care, and that is what I have my sights set on.

I am just hoping that my libido comes back. Maybe it will, when we are able to pay bills and I am able to start paying back my parents for helping us out along the way. I miss our old sex life quite a bit - I may not have the drive that I had, but I remember how great things were. 

I have told my wife that I think that the main thing that I need is time, but I have been saying a version of that for nine months now. She goes back and forth between being understanding and then two weeks later, getting fed up with things. I can not convince her that she is not at fault. She is very self conscious to begin with - and honestly, on an objective level she has some reasons to be - but I think she is beautiful and I love her body and I tell her that quite a bit. But as far as she is concerned... If I meant it, I wouldn't have the problems that I have. She'll even read the various causes of low libido and ED and agree that I have a lot of the those causes, but in the end she blames herself. 

We are still intimate in some way just about once every two weeks, but it is never near the quality of even the second time of the day before these problems started. I know that it is silly to expect things to be like they are in the beginning through the whole marriage, but we are still pretty young and I am healthy (I'm 5'11" 165 with good cholesterol and blood sugars) so it would be nice for things to be even halfway between the way they are now and where they were then... But that seems like a pipe dream. 

This post was not very sexual in nature, but I just wanted to type and let you know how we got where we are. 

Thanks for reading my novel. I am still open to any suggestions on the sexuality side of things.


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