# I dont know if he's telling the truth



## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs. After having my 2nd child last year in Aug, he decided to leave me and our 2 children with no clear explaination accept that I was not very supportive of his family. This occurred 2 wks before Xmas.

During that time while he left, my children and I were financially and emotionally stressed together. The pressure of deciding how we were going to get by everyday without him was very scary for us. We tried to make do with Xmas Day, New Years was nothing to celebrate about accept with my daughter turning 5 and looking forward to starting school. 

3 months after trying to understand his point of leaving us, i had learned that he was involved with another woman and his point of me not supporting his family was only an excuse to end the marriage. This woman had entered into my home without my knowledge, had met my children with him and also lent her vehicle for him to use while he was away from us. 
I also learned that my husband knew this woman from his job so it became more clear what he was doing, she was terminated from her job after sometime and somehow a rather a relationship grew between them. This woman was in a marriage also with a daughter. 
He always tried to defend himself by telling me that he admits that he was wrong (only because I had caught him out by conversating about it) but never admitted to what he did that was wrong. I also learned down the track that he had slept with this woman and i had to ask him to tell me. 

We didnt talk or see each other for 2 months and it was very hard for me and the kids to go through and for him, I dont know, he doesnt wish to tell me. 

He came back home after that and from then he has been trying to be more domesticated than what he was way before having our 2nd child. 

Through Social Networking sites this woman is always trying to get his attention but is also attracting mine. I feel so obsessed about what this woman is doing and although my husband tells me that he doesnt make contact with her or anything I have no trust left to believe that he is telling me the truth or not. 
Since he still knows where she lives, contact numbers, people she knows and that they both know etc.

He works more times than he does having time with me and our children and at the same time it feels that he is not trying hard enough, although the changes that have occured of him is visible but is still not yet believable. 
The other woman, I've never met, but not a day goes by now that i dont think that he is making time for her. 
I am too afraid as to what i should do, whether i should continue trying think that he can prove himself or do something else. 
I have not been through this kind of hurt before and am learning as to how i should deal with it. 

By the way, I really feel like emailing this woman, but I dont know how it will help me. It just really annoys me now that this woman is now in mine and my childrens lives due to his involvement and time wasting of leaving the marriage. 
I feel like a real fool most of the time and making myself feel that this will not happen again is just something for me to rely on rather than hoping my children and I wont be left by him again. 

I would like to hear from anyone that has been through a situation where their spouse had cheated and had been accepted back into the marriage again in the hopes that things will get better. 

I look forward to hearing from you

Kind Regards, 
watt_hapnd


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## maypearl (Aug 14, 2010)

i am that one person who accepted her husband back again without a clear explanation as to what happen or if he is really sorry. he saw his ex wife for 1 1/2 years and i knew about it all the time and told him but it did not good, the next day he would lie and be right back over there for 14 hrs. or more. he says that did not sleep together, but they were making plans to be together. so many lies i do not beleive nothing he say, now i am the bad person if i put him out because it is in the past, it was in the past day 2 according to him. he knows i am strong enought to put him out. thats the problems he makes me feel like a monster. he did this before with his forst wife for about 2 years and keep lying that nothing happen, i guess they just sit around and watch oprah in the daytime and the late night show. a little humor, every month something new comes up about the affairs, i tired of hearing it. the thing is he is a lair over and over and he cannot be truste, why am i with him besides i will be callthe bad person because i am so tight mouth about my marriage of 33 years until kids and everybody will think i am wrong and he is not man enought to do it


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

Thank you so much for your reply I appreciate what you have shared. 
I applaud you for holding on to your marriage regardless as to what he's doing to you, I can see how you are trying to be strong, 33yrs is a long time. 
My marriage is quite young, this is my 1st marriage and is my husbands 2nd marriage. I dont have a problem with his 1st wife however thanks to all the time you made for one another for the sake of the children that we share with the same man. However, the purpose of their divorce has 2 different stories, he says it was because she would never allow him to have time with his family...she says he kept cheating. He left!!! His excuse was also what he used against me.
My husband and I have been together only for 7 yrs and during all that time he has been caught out with having to be involved with other woman but this time is the worst ive ever had to experienced.
I think in the past I just keep forgiving him thinking that he will change toward becoming a better man. 
I noticed the patterns before he would give me all the excuses he could think of..I would forgive him and then we'd be happy again until next time. 
I can see now that he can be flirtatious and I have also seen that women can become quite attached to him also I think to myself its because of the charm. I dont know, I really dont. 
I wish I had the guts to tell him to leave but Im so sick of seeing my kids hurt everytime and Im tired of feeling that pain everytime he is gone. 
This time its bad - Ive never written in a forum before especially not about things like this. 

Thank you so kindly once again for your response.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Watt_hapnd

The boundaries in your marriage have not been enforced nor has the contact between your husband and her officially stopped.

For you..

He needs to write her a no contact letter that expressly tells her he does not want anything to do with her or have her interfere with your marriage and family. You read it he mails it while you watch. Do not water down the message.

If he is serious about the relationship with you then he will do it, if not he will decline and use many words except the ones that count.

The above is to help you regain the trust that he is cutting the ties with her. 

As for recovery, you need to both see a professional councillor. It takes years to recover the trust, your husband has to do everything to help bring the trust back into your marriage and prove to you that he loves you and you alone.

What you do not want to hear when your children are older is that he stayed for the sake of the children. This is a common message many cheaters will use when they explain why they returned to the marriage, especially to the other woman. 

An option that can be used is for your husband, with you present, to admit his affair to his family and explain that he loves you and lets them know what he is doing to rebuild the love and trust in your marriage. 

It does not answer you but hopefully gives you some direction

Bless you..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does the other woman's husband know of the affair? If he doesn't, perhaps you should enlighten him.

Be sure to check out the posts on this site by Affaircare and Tanerlornpete. They offer a lot of advice for what you are going through.


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

That is the most useful advice that I am able to think about. 

You must know during the early stages of our breakup his boss actually suggested to him that we take marriage counselling. So we did! Worse thing about it, he never once talked about it. Which infuriated me so much because once i had found out about this involvement, the next session we went to he didnt bring it up nor admit anything. I actually brought it up in the session. Back then he was very indenial. 

I had her cell phone number and after him and I spoke one night about his infidelity, we called the woman and he told her over the phone while i was there listening that he was not going to make any contact with her whatsoever. For me it felt like she was not believing what he was telling her even after knowing i was there. And then it felt like he couldnt prove himself more that he was not going to make anymore contact with her. 

After the 2nd time of him leaving home again, i had found little messages between her and him. I couldnt read them but it was enough for me to know that they were still communicating with one another. 

I really want to make myself visible in front of her and him to be proven that this kind of thing is not continuing or is over. 
I can see through the FB website that she is trying to gain attention. And he is showing me that he is not. But its still not enough for me. 

You are right, about him having to admit his affair to his family with me being present it would ease my mind a little. But i really want to be proven also between her and him. 

It has been 9 mths now and I feel I am not convinced by what has all been gained out of what hes put me and the kids through. 
I am going to suggest your advice to him, i will be proven once he tells me what he thinks if its the one where excuses are made, then i need to focus more clearly and openly as to what i should do rather than think what would happen if I did this or that???

I thank you so much for your advice!!


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

Hi 827Aug, 

I havnt met the husband (I dont think). 
There was a time where a man, I dont know of had come to our house looking for car keys that belonged to him and was wondering if my husband had them. I had never met him and i thought he was a relative. I asked him who he was and he told me that he was a cousin of his. I told him it was ok to come inside and we talk more about it but he kept declining. At the same time he looked rather worried to me. And was unsure why. Later on that day, a police officer came around to our house looking for the woman that my husband was familiar with as the officer was given information that she would be here. You know what?? He even lied to the officer and told him that he didnt know her even after he had given my husband her full name. Ridiculous!!!! 
After that , i assumed that the man that came earlier that day was her husband and I couldnt understand how the hell he knew where we lived! 
From his point of view after him being so called admitted to what his wrong doing, my husband told me that the woman and her husband were already going through some difficulty in their marriage and her and my husband were just being friends. I am beginning to think to myself now, now that we dont often hear from this woman that he was only telling me that to keep himself from being more caught out of the situation he had put himself through whereas before i was always just going by with what he was telling me. 
She kept making it known that they were a couple. He was making it appear as they were just friends. Funny thing was, I had never met this friend of his. So it made me feel that he was mucking around. 
From as far as I know now, the woman and her husband are still separated but I dont know anything more. I will admit I am now often curious of this woman and right now it feels calm before the storm. 

Thank you for suggesting the posts for me to look into, I have found myself quite interested in other posts in order to help myself with what im trying to deal with. 

God bless


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The advice on the no contact letter is standard.

Sample No Contact Letters

The articles on this site are helpful.

Articles


The site below is a bit busy and will take time to work your way through..

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

If your husband is not willing to do anything, you need to plan your next steps; there is no rush, just lots of patience. Post if you wish and you will receive some good guidance.

In the mean time look after yourself, exercise, be with good friends, talk to someone you can really trust – not a man that may complicate it, perhaps a one to one with the counsellor. 

Thoughts are with you


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

Thank you so much for suggesting the websites. 
I am taking them into consideration and want to be able to help myself to work through this without having to keep carrying it around. 

These kind of things have not been suggested to me at all during all of this time. I tend to make myself think its because Im talking about it with people that dont understand what i am going through. 
These suggestions open my mind up more clearly. 

Thank you so very much


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