# Is honesty always best???



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I was reading an article earlier that prompted me to finally tell my hubs that I really dont like oral to completion for myself. I like it more as foreplay, and he will go at it for what seems like an eternity to me, just adding pressure to try to get myself off with his working... he never complains, only comments about me not getting off... I've recalled other threads with women similar to me... too sensitive for that, etc... 
So I told him. I prefer it as foreplay, I understand for him, he likes oral to completion, and I don't mind doing for him, but I felt the need to tell him. It's me not him, and I didn't want him to constantly go after this conquest that puts pressure on me.... (I can't imagine what a man must go thru during erectile dysfunction, I feel like that is almost what happens to me during oral sex) I don't think it's his technique (lord knows he has tried lots of different ways, it is simply me... I have a very hard time with it) Been married 11 years, were sexually together before marriage and he has only made me get off that way three times..... and it took forever! To me, it's just not worth it. I'd rather have intercourse. I have much stronger orgasms that way anyway....

Men is it really a big deal? Was being honest with him the right thing, or should I have just let him continue to try... without results? Or did my honesty hit his ego? I didn't tell him to stop, just that I prefer it as foreplay, not to completion. What is the big deal about oral sex on a woman anyway, if he is getting his blow jobs? Is it just return the favor type deal? I just don't get it. Maybe you can help me understand.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I absolutely think it was right to tell him this, especially if he was being very pushy about wanting to get you there that way all of the time. Did you put yourself in his shoes first, and consider your thoughts? If he told you that he didn't want to get off all the way from oral, would you be hurt? Especially if he told you that he wanted to get off with you/inside you, because it was SOOO much better? 

Hopefully not TMI, but I have found an intense interest in the "squirting" orgasms. Occasionally I try to work towards this with my wife, but try to put as little pressure on her as possible other than to just "try it out", and as soon as she looks or says something that seems to want to stop/change, I drop it (we're talking once or twice a year here). If we never get there, so be it, I appreciate that she tries occasionally with me, and even more so that she will let me know (if not come right out and say) that we've tried enough. It doesn't hurt my ego at all, and if she ever told me she would like me to just never try again I would try and respect that.

As for what's the big deal, some of it is a return the favor thing. I would say for me personally it is a "selfish" thing - trying to make sure there are times that are all about her. I have made this for actual sex too, and that also seems to fill the need.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

You absolutely did the right thing, honesty is the only way, you understand your body and the only way your H will understand it too is if you explain to him.

I have had to have the odd "chat" with my H too on occasion, for example I had to tell him that he was being too rough with me with his fingers whilst giving me oral sex, I couldn't relax and enjoy it, because he was jamming his finger in me like it was a pneumatic drill .... not nice. He was upset for a moment when I first told him, but he soon got over it and he's never done that since


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Men is it really a big deal? Was being honest with him the right thing, or should I have just let him continue to try... without results? Or did my honesty hit his ego? I didn't tell him to stop, just that I prefer it as foreplay, not to completion. What is the big deal about oral sex on a woman anyway, if he is getting his blow jobs? Is it just return the favor type deal? I just don't get it. Maybe you can help me understand.


Yes, honesty was the right thing here.

There was a thread dancing around on the boards recently about women being responsible for their own orgasms. To me, that means being straightforward and patiently communicate what their man needs to do for them. If we're not doing what works for you, you aren't going to get off, right? So you have to tell us. Yes, you needed to be honest.

For some men, it is an ego issue. The idea of being the super-stud that makes his woman squeal with delight at the drop of a hat is a powerful allure and men are bombarded by it in pop culture (_50 Shades_, anyone?). Some men focus so much on that image that they forget about just listening to their woman and working with her.

LLL, my wife is the opposite of you. She very rarely orgasms from PIV alone, and only after I get her worked up to a great degree. She enjoys intercourse, she says it feels good, loves the bonding/intimacy ... but that alone isn't enough to get her off. She needs direct stimulation. She loves oral, so what when I am focused on her, that's what I do. I do that because I listened to her (eventually, I had my own ego to overcome on the matter) about what worked and what didn't.

You were right to be honest. If oral isn't your choice of orgasm, then it just isn't. He may have a little disappointment in that but he'll deal. If he doesn't that's really on him, not you. He should be happy you told him.

Good luck!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think its good to let him know this. If he likes giving you oral I think its good he knows that part is just foreplay and you are not able to O from it. Less frustration for both of you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't see a problem with telling him. I think he just wants to please you. 

I'm a guy and my second wife felt the same way so what she did was when she had enough and wanted me to stop, she just tapped me on the shoulder and I stopped and had sex. I was no biggie and I was glad that she told me. Sex is supposed to be fun. I don't think it is something that will bruise his ego in any way.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

No, honesty isn't always best, but I agree with almost everyone else who's replied. Such adjustments, offered lovingly, are of course correct, even if there is initially some sort of "ego" bruise.

In case you happened to read my comment that "honesty can be cruelty," that was a completely different situation, where the poster wrote that she was "not attracted to her husband as a person," etc.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Is honesty always best? No.

Is it best in this situation? Yes.

Sex is such an important part of a relationship, it has to be right. Its great if your partner does something unexpected that surprises you in a pleasant way, so you have to give each other a bit of freedom to experiment, but if there is something you know you like, then ask for more, and if there is something that just isn't for you, then don't allow yourself or your partner to waste valuable time and energy on it when that time and energy could be better spent on stuff you do actually want.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I believe honesty isn't always best.
> 
> I probably wouldn't have a conversation about this I'd just pull my husband up, have sex and be done with it. If he specifically asked I'd say I tried and it just wasn't happening so I moved onto to something else.


I have done that lots.... didn't get the point across. 
I am glad many agree with me


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I wish my wife was as honest with me as you appear to be with your husband. She really does not like to talk about what she likes and doesn't like. She said she feels she is criticizing me. So for me it is hit or miss and trying to gauge what is working and what is not is very annoying and frustrating to me. Sex is not as pleasurable as I imagine it could be.

So I hope your husband understands and values your honesty.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> I wish my wife was as honest with me as you appear to be with your husband. She really does not like to talk about what she likes and doesn't like. She said she feels she is criticizing me. So for me it is hit or miss and trying to gauge what is working and what is not is very annoying and frustrating to me. Sex is not as pleasurable as I imagine it could be.
> 
> So I hope your husband understands and values your honesty.


Have you asked for better feedback?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Have you asked for better feedback?


Absolutely! I used to do it constantly until after many years I just accepted that it is what it is and quit asking.


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