# Divorce Rates after Infidelity



## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Anybody know of a study I can access as to the percentage of people who call it quits after infidelity?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Googl has Jr delivered ty statistics. Google is more jumbled now and harder to use. 

Here are a few. About one out of three men and women cheat. That me be getting worse. About seventy percent divorce. About forty five percent of women will stay married. It looks to me like that means only about fifteen percent of couples stay married if the woman cheats.
The worst statistic I have come across is that 80% of cheaters are never caught.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> The worst statistic I have come across is that 80% of cheaters are never caught.


Well that's depressing as heck. But sadly, a reality.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I saw a statistic somewhere which showed that over 50% of deployed women cheat, and it's nearly that high for women on business away from home. It was a couple of years ago and I can't recall where I found it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

DoneIn said:


> Anybody know of a study I can access as to the percentage of people who call it quits after infidelity?


According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce

https://www.creditdonkey.com/infidelity-statistics.html

"How often does infidelity result in divorce?
The divorce rate in the U.S. hovers somewhere around 40 to 50% but oddly enough, only about 15% of marriages break up because of infidelity. Research shows that "unreasonable behavior" accounts for about half of all divorces."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lila said:


> According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce
> 
> https://www.creditdonkey.com/infidelity-statistics.html
> 
> ...


It's early, I'm on my first cup of glorious caffeinated bean juice, and only read your post, not the article. Is the source court documents?

Most people who divorce due to infidelity do not file at fault citing adultery because at fault filings are typically much more expensive and take longer to finalize. Not to mention the burden of proof and the mental and emotional stress of a trial.

To further muddy the court document research stats, some states have a mandatory 1 year separation period before a divorce can even be filed, much less finalized. However, that waiting period can be waived if there was adultery. So, desperate to divorce people have been known to admit to adultery that never happened just to get the divorce finalized in a reasonable timeframe.

Court docs don't necessarily reflect reality.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce
> ...


I didn't look at the reference material but I believe it is self reported.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce
> ...


It depends who they are asking. If they are asking the cheater, its unlikely they will mention the infidelity. Statistics like this are all over the place, but all the marriages that I've seen end personally involved infidelity.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The percentage of people who call it quits after infidelity?

Not enough


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> I saw a statistic somewhere which showed that over 50% of deployed women cheat, and it's nearly that high for women on business away from home. It was a couple of years ago and I can't recall where I found it.


My wife works from home 4 days per week, has a work cell phone and laptop and travels domestically and internationally a few times per month in a make dominated industry. She is rarely in a car. A VAR would pick up hours of conference calls in the home office. She could be casually doing half the world and I would never know it. I'm not on any social media. A guy's wife would have a hard time tracking me down without a PI if someone ever came looking for me.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> I saw a statistic somewhere which showed that over 50% of deployed women cheat, and it's nearly that high for women on business away from home. It was a couple of years ago and I can't recall where I found it.


 Thank goodness deployed men and men who travel don't cheat. That would be really badd.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A MC I saw a while ago said 85% of couples, who do MC, both want to repair the marriage and put in a full effort, stay married after infidelity and report being in happier and better marriages. What percentage of couples affected by infidelity put in the full effort, I don't know. 

My therapist said about 70% of couples stay together after infidelity. 

Both said people feel shame for staying after infidelity, not because they see themselves as weak, but because of how others perceive them and shame them for staying.

For whatever that's worth. 

I've seen websites that say the same or similar numbers, and ones that list other percentages. Infidelity statistics are always going to be skewed.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

bobert said:


> A MC I saw a while ago said 85% of couples, who do MC, both want to repair the marriage and put in a full effort, stay married after infidelity and report being in happier and better marriages. What percentage of couples affected by infidelity put in the full effort, I don't know.
> 
> My therapist said about 70% of couples stay together after infidelity.
> 
> ...


MC say that and I've heard that same percent. I think it came from a study in some popular infidelity book. I'm not sure how any accurate number can be derived from a MC anyways. 

First, most people that go have already made their minds up that they want to reconcile or atleast try. That leaves out a chunk of the population whose spouse is checked out or ran off with AP.

Second, many couples don't go to MC very long. Not long enough for the MC to draw any conclusion about the viability of their marriage whether 6 months, a year, three years, five years down the road. Lots of people throw in the towel years after the infidelity.

As far as the marriage being better than before? I use to lurk over at SI for awhile and out of all the reconciled folks I may have heard that only once, maybe twice. Most wish they had left on dday and never looked back, usually citing children as the reason they stayed. Problem is any trick learned in MC to strengthen communication, there is always going to be that giant cloud of infidelity hanging over your heads.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> The percentage of people who call it quits after infidelity?
> 
> Not enough


You beat me to it!
The truth is the younger generation (mostly men) are just opting out.

Cheaper and less suffering.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce
> 
> https://www.creditdonkey.com/infidelity-statistics.html
> 
> ...


In lots of states infidelity is not considered in a settlement so it is not listed as the cause. "Unreasonable behavior" is code for my spouse had sex with another.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > According to studies referenced at the bottom of this article, 15% of divorced end in divorce
> ...


Thats how it is in the UK. Otherwise, you have to wait 2 years. So, unreasonable behavior is the catch all for anything from DV, infidelity or your partner farts too much in their sleep.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I would also concur that pretty much every couple I personally that divorced, one or both were diddling on the side at some point in the process.

Now just because infidelity was a component, does not necessarily mean that infidelity was the 'cause.'

I think many can survive one offense or one bad behavior. So if infidelity occurs in isolation without any other bad behaviors or offenses, people may be more amenable to try to reconcile and recover. And may actually be able to achieve R.

But IMHO adultery rarely occurs in isolation. Typically it involves other bad behaviors such as chemical/alcohol abuse, physical/emotional abuse, maltreatment of partner, neglect, abandonment, financial abuse etc etc. 

Sometimes infidelity is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Sometimes it's just part of the background noise. 

Sometimes the papers have been filed, the couple is living separate lives and one hooks up with someone the night before the judge signs the final decree so the other spouse claims the other cheated.

My point in all if this is divorces are often complex and occurs in the presence of multiple issues and multiple layers and levels of dysfunction so it's hard to pin down actual causation.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> You beat me to it!
> The truth is the younger generation (mostly men) are just opting out.
> 
> Cheaper and less suffering.


Honestly, all other things considered, I think the BEST plan of action after infidelity is to divorce. EVEN if both THINK they want to reconcile.

Divorce, get some distance and time. Work on yourself (specifically the WS).

Down the road, if you want to start over, the time divorced with no obligation to come back makes it more likely it will actually be a MARRIAGE of two equally valuable people.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

bobert said:


> Infidelity statistics are always going to be skewed.


Skewed is putting it nicely, Bobert. 

We can't even all agree on what is and is not infidelity. Some say porn is infidelity and others view it as harmless occasional fun. Some draw the line at physical sexual contact, but see nothing wrong with sexting, while others view cyber interactions as they would real world interactions. So, any infidelity surveys are already skewed unless there is a set definition as to what constitutes infidelity.

Beyond that, "because of" can be problematic. Was the infidelity the reason for the divorce or merely a catalyst for the divorce? 

For example, if you ask my exH if we divorced because of infidelity he would likely say yes. If you ask me, I'd say no. Was there infidelity? Yes, multiple times, on both sides. Was that why I divorced him? No. I didn't care enough about him that the infidelity mattered so much as to be a deciding factor. It was everything else on top of it plus a catalyst that made me run for the exit.

When it comes to things like "What was the cause of your divorce?" it's not uncommon for spouses to disagree because they each view reality through their own lens.

"What I told you was true...from a certain point of view." - Obi Wan


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I've seen a few statistics passed around and none of them chart divorcing because of infidelity over long periods of time. Most people try to R immediately after DDay. Most people who go to MC are trying to R and are likely going to "graduate" MC having R'd. Guess how many have another DDay years later and wind up D'ing or realize that MC wasn't as effective as they thought or suddenly had different opinions on what MC entailed (blaming the BS, skirting responsibility for the WS, not focusing on remorse, etc.) and D because they haven't actually R'd? How many do you think go back and update their former MC on how they're now getting a divorce years later? Probably close to 0.

I've read and followed hundreds of cases of infidelity over the last 6 years. After 5-10 years down the line, most people D due to repeat offenses or general bad behavior after infidelity. 

I see a lot of posters pulling examples from their personal lives but what about people who post on TAM? How many stories do we have of people who successfully R'd compared to those who D or who want to D but can't pull the trigger yet?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

nekonamida said:


> I've seen a few statistics passed around and none of them chart divorcing because of infidelity over long periods of time. Most people try to R immediately after DDay. Most people who go to MC are trying to R and are likely going to "graduate" MC having R'd. Guess how many have another DDay years later and wind up D'ing or realize that MC wasn't as effective as they thought or suddenly had different opinions on what MC entailed (blaming the BS, skirting responsibility for the WS, not focusing on remorse, etc.) and D because they haven't actually R'd? How many do you think go back and update their former MC on how they're now getting a divorce years later? Probably close to 0.
> 
> I've read and followed hundreds of cases of infidelity over the last 6 years. After 5-10 years down the line, most people D due to repeat offenses or general bad behavior after infidelity.
> 
> I see a lot of posters pulling examples from their personal lives but what about people who post on TAM? How many stories do we have of people who successfully R'd compared to those who D or who want to D but can't pull the trigger yet?


I think this is a really good post. 

For me it was not her infidelity, it was everything. And it was a lot. 

I was a young fool to ever have stayed, but then again, I was a young fool. 

I waited until her wide array of bull****, finally put me in the hospital with a stroke. 

Let me tell you, thinking you are going to die, will wake you up like nothing else. It did me, and when I got out I was done. I took a while to figure everything out, but buddy I was DONE... Done...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> MC say that and I've heard that same percent. I think it came from a study in some popular infidelity book. I'm not sure how any accurate number can be derived from a MC anyways.
> 
> First, most people that go have already made their minds up that they want to reconcile or atleast try. That leaves out a chunk of the population whose spouse is checked out or ran off with AP.
> 
> ...


Yes I have heard that said, that people claim that the marriage is better than it was. 
Sorry, don't buy it. The trust is shattered, the intimacy also. No one who has it in them to cheat can ever be fully trusted not to cheat again. Nor can they ever be trusted not to lie or deceive because they have lied about something so important. 
I suspect that some say that to try and convince themselves and others more than anything.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know of many many divorces and almost all of them were due to adultery.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I know of many many divorces and almost all of them were due to adultery.


Due to adultery or had adultery in it?

Don't get me wrong, I think adultery in and of itself is a perfectly valid reason to divorce even if everything else was fine up to that point.

But as I get older and see the world for what it is, I am beginning to think that adultery is often just a part of a constellation of other issues and other bad behaviors. 

I think a lot of times adultery is the final straw and the point if no return. But I also think there were often plenty of other issues.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I have heard that said, that people claim that the marriage is better than it was.
> Sorry, don't buy it. The trust is shattered, the intimacy also. No one who has it in them to cheat can ever be fully trusted not to cheat again. Nor can they ever be trusted not to lie or deceive because they have lied about something so important.
> I suspect that some say that to try and convince themselves and others more than anything.


"Better" is a relative term that depends on what it is being compared to.

Whether a marriage is better or worse than before depends on how good or crappy it was was to begin with. 

Better is not the same as good or healthy and it doesn't mean that things don't suck. It can mean that things don't suck quite as much as before.

As I've said a couple times in this thread, I believe that infidelity is often just another turd in a sewer pond. 

If someone is a drunkard that blows all the family savings on gambling and booze and coke and then comes home and kicks the dog treats their spouse like crap and then cheats......

Then if they stop drinking and gambling and starts treating people somewhat decently, then yeah, if they reconcile, it will likely seem "better."

That doesn't mean that all is well or that everything is all rainbows and unicorns or that there aren't still problems and misgivings.

It just means that things don't suck as much as they did before.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Thank goodness deployed men and men who travel don't cheat. That would be really badd.


You are more reliable than the sun rising out of the East.
Icelander35 actually read something and has a statistic, instead of a kneejerk "But ... but ... but women do it too." and actually posted it without snark or sarcasm. Imagine that. (See what I did there?)


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Thank goodness deployed men and men who travel don't cheat. That would be really badd.
> ...


I can't snark you because you said "make it so" on another thread, and anyone who is a Picard fan deserves props.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I have heard that said, that people claim that the marriage is better than it was.
> ...


Ha. Well the X poured manure over a steaming pile of **** of a marriage and it sure didn't smell any better!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I can't snark you because you said "make it so" on another thread, and anyone who is a Picard fan deserves props.


 Just a coincidence. I'm about as far from a trekkie as you can get. I'm pretty sure Picard is from Star Trek though. Sorry to disappoint. Maybe I'm just Captainly.
Why weren't there any women captains on Star Trek? You should look into that.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> If someone is a drunkard that blows all the family savings on gambling and booze and coke and then comes home and *kicks the dog* treats their spouse like crap and then cheats......
> 
> Then if they stop drinking and gambling and starts treating people somewhat decently, then yeah, if they reconcile, it will likely seem "better."
> 
> ...


 What about the dog? You didn't say anything about the drunk,gambling, cokehead stopping kicking the dog, so he's still a ****, and there is no way to be in a better relationship with a **** unless you have a time machine and can go back to before you met said ****. **** that dog kicking ****.
:rant:


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I can't snark you because you said "make it so" on another thread, and anyone who is a Picard fan deserves props.
> ...


They were too busy doing the dishes and making the captain's samwiches!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I can't snark you because you said "make it so" on another thread, and anyone who is a Picard fan deserves props.
> ...


You're more like Captain Kirk, actually.

Katherine Janeway was the captain on Voyagrr.

I have now proved I'm a nerd.

However, anyone who labels ME a radical feminist or misandrist has zero capacity for rational or objective thought.

You can ask my alpha husband, my dad, my boss, my brother, our neughbor.....


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> You're more like Captain Kirk, actually.
> 
> Katherine Janeway was the captain on Voyagrr.
> 
> ...


I forget was Captain Katherine Janeway captain of the Samwich Making crew or the Dishwashing Crew of the Voyager?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's SAMMICH you cretin!

Now, may I please sit at your feet, sir?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> However, anyone who labels ME a radical feminist or misandrist has zero capacity for rational or objective thought.
> 
> You can ask my alpha husband, my dad, my boss, my brother, our neughbor.....


Yeah, yeah .... 
We've been down this road before, as a matter of fact, the ruts(great band by the way) are getting kinda deep, but the view is still the same.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> You're more like Captain Kirk, actually.
> 
> *Katherine Janeway was the captain on Voyagrr.*


 Is that the one that wrecked parallel parking at the space mall?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Due to adultery or had adultery in it?
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I think adultery in and of itself is a perfectly valid reason to divorce even if everything else was fine up to that point.
> 
> ...


Due to adultery. What people don't seem to get is that many will cheat no matter what their marriage is like. The ex husband of a lovely friend of mine said, 'the opportunity came up and I took it'. He admitted that there was nothing wrong in the marriage.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Due to adultery. What people don't seem to get is that many will cheat no matter what their marriage is like. The ex husband of a lovely friend of mine said, 'the opportunity came up and I took it'. He admitted that there was nothing wrong in the marriage.


 Just something wrong with HIM.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Just something wrong with HIM.


EXACTLY

And this really is always the case. Honestly, even if the marriage is terrible, deciding to CHEAT as a solution means someone is broken.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Just something wrong with HIM.


Yes, as with all cheaters.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Thats how it is in the UK. Otherwise, you have to wait 2 years. So, unreasonable behavior is the catch all for anything from DV, infidelity *or your partner farts too much in their sleep.*


They'll have to change that. 

https://theweek.com/speedreads/450160/study-smelling-farts-may-good-health

:laugh:


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Due to adultery. What people don't seem to get is that many will cheat no matter what their marriage is like. The ex husband of a lovely friend of mine said, 'the opportunity came up and I took it'. He admitted that there was nothing wrong in the marriage.


I think most all if here realize that a lot of cheaters cheat when there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the marriage and nothing wrong with the BS.

I guess what I am getting at more is often the cheater has other issues and bad behaviors and rarely is the adultery the only offense. 

Once the lid comes off the adultery, it is often realized that the WS had a history of other bad behaviors and issues as well as the cheating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We usually see people here that want to save their marriages. The same for marriage counselors. The huge majority find infidelity unforgivable and simply divorce immediately in a no fault state. Even in a fault state the cheater is usually compliant in order to not be outed. People really don’t want other people to know they were conned by their mate. If they get what they want in divorce they tend to not spread it around ......... immediately.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also, the fact most adultery is never discovered skews statistics. We all
know how hard it is to catch a workplace affair. It’s also near impossible to catch a one night stand which happens a lot more than people want to believe.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I have heard that said, that people claim that the marriage is better than it was.
> Sorry, don't buy it. The trust is shattered, the intimacy also. No one who has it in them to cheat can ever be fully trusted not to cheat again. Nor can they ever be trusted not to lie or deceive because they have lied about something so important.
> I suspect that some say that to try and convince themselves and others more than anything.


I would say my marriage is better. 

Firstly, 100% trust is a fool’s game. No one is perfect, everyone fails. So to me trust is about understanding your partner’s limits and working within them, not 100%. Diana I know you are deeply religious. Try reading Romans specifically for what it says about human fallibility and forgiveness, and apply it in this context.

Secondly, infidelity can be a sign of a deceptive spouse who will cheat again if the opportunity arises, or it can be symptomatic of deeper issues in the marriage. If it’s a deceptive spouse I think reconciliation is impossible, but if it is a symptom and you can work on the deeper issues, there is a chance. No guarantees, but a chance. This is actually where the improvements come from. It doesn’t become like the affair never happened, but you put it into perspective. I have other friends who have also had this journey.

Thirdly, while I was not the one who cheated, I had my own stuff to deal with. That is not in any way excusing the cheating, but rather recognising that I could do things to make the relationship better. A lot of that was about working on myself and making myself better, and that has value whether I stay in the marriage or go.

Fourthly, if cheating arises from poor boundaries, that is a specific thing you can work on. It’s also pretty measurable. If your wife has a pattern of behaviour that led her into cheating, she better be willing to give it up, or else.

Finally, this is all pretty personal. I was blindsided when my wife cheated, and it was awful, but not at all like I would have expected before I experienced it. My nature is such that I was able to process the emotions and rebuild, but that is not anything I could control. There were nights when it was all I could do to walk in the door after work. Nights when I walked in, looked at her, and walked straight out again. If someone simply cannot get past those emotions, that is perfectly reasonable, and they probably can’t reconcile. We are who we are.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> EXACTLY
> 
> And this really is always the case. Honestly, even if the marriage is terrible, deciding to CHEAT as a solution means someone is broken.


Have you ever known anyone who is not broken in some way?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Wazza said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > EXACTLY
> ...


 Actually, noe, I have never known anyone who wasn't broken in some way. However, I have encountered a whole lot of people on the Internet who think they aren't lol


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> The worst statistic I have come across is that 80% of cheaters are never caught.



Is there someone who actually walks around trying to catch cheetahs?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoneIn said:


> Anybody know of a study I can access as to the percentage of people who call it quits after infidelity?


I've read studies that give numbers between 70% and 89% of couples stay married after infidelity.

https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Rates_of_Divorce_for_Adultery_and_Infidelity

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/frequently-asked-questions-about-infidelity/


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm just not able to trust these studies. There are too many variables to consider. My guess is more men get away with the physical than women, when they are caught. I think there is a small percentage of women who get caught. I think women look out for each other and men do not. Plus, many men would love to do someone else's wife. It's some kind of competitive thing. They don't want their chance to pass them by. Plus, women don't seem to care for men who discuss the sexual activities of a woman. So, women have an advantage. Now, this may just be my experience, but many of the posts I've read here and things men and women have said to me support these thoughts.


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