# I don't know what to do.......



## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

For folks who don't know my story, I am going through divorce, currently in the mediation process for child custody/time-share.

Its been 6 months since we separated, and its been 4 months since she filed for divorce, but her anger is not mellowing down at all. Whenever we meet for exchanging the kid, she just keeps barking at me, abusing me and hitting me some times.

I am still in love with her. She was a very dedicated wife and is known among friends for having a heart of gold. Then why is she not calming down at all. I have been admitting my mistakes all along, and am ready to give her everything we own, but she keeps screaming at me.

She insists that my nature won't change and that I will demean her again if she comes back. I told her that I would give her everything and go to some 'ashram in India' to meditate and won't come back until I see improvements in my nature. But she is not ready to dismiss the divorce. She keeps saying shw won't change her mind at all no matter what I do.

My question is: How come she is still so angry with me? My mind keeps telling me she still has feelings for me otw why would she react this way. I am so much concerned about our child and she is too, but she is not at all willing to give this marriage another chance. She keeps saying that the divorce will happen. She also says that she may give me a chance after the divorce. frankly I don't believe in remarriages.

what do you guys say? can I do something which prompts her thinking into dismissing the divorce? Whatever I have done till now has failed miserably. 

Thanks


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Mikey...I have read your previous posts and it sounds to me like your wife kept a lot bottled in for a long time to keep the waters calm. And now, everything is just spewing out like a busted dam. There is really nothing you can do to make things calm down except give her space. And I mean, full across a county space. She may very well go through with a divorce and everything calms down and she may start missing you. But until she works through the anger of being wronged and having a failed marriage, that she tried so hard in, nothing you do or say is going to do anything but get her acting like the exorcist again. If you have to go anywhere near her, do not add fuel to the fire. Stay very calm and stay "neutral". If youre nice, she'll think its with motive...if youre mean, she'll feel justified. She is getting emotions out in her own way, since she hasnt been able to do anything her way for ten years. The shorter the run-ins with you, the better. After time passes, and she works through it, it will be a lot better to deal with each other. SInce you have a toddler, you will have to communicate frequently. I suggest short texts and emails. Now I have been through this....I had to get through the anger on my own...after the dust settled it took about 14 months. But it took 3 years for the dust to settle first. Thats why I say...dont stir any dust...it drags this phase and makes it very very long!! I know this is hard and painful. And these are just my thoughts from experiences. She may very well have an epiphany next week and comeback...but I always talk realistically. Good luck!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

wow what great advice 
everything takes so much time 
time to build up and then time to come down -


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mikey said:


> How come she is still so angry with me? My mind keeps telling me she still has feelings for me otw why would she react this way.


I think she's finally getting her chance to vent- and you'll actually listen. Once my H came out of his coma, i vented all the time. she cant hurt you if you dont care. the more she senses that you care, the louder she will get until she feels she's hurt you the way you hurt her. You hurt her, she wants to hurt you. its that simple. Unfortunately what she doesnt see is its the kids that suffer the most.

I wouldnt confuse it for love. its really not. its vengeance.


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

Thank you all for your replies.

Our child is definitely going to suffer, and we both will have restrictions with our lives until our daughter becomes independent. It seems my wife is not ready to acknowledge that.

If my wife could take this divorce step, she could have taken much less harsher steps to correct my behavior. 

She is a very sensitive good person. Is there any way I could tell her to give it another chance for the sake of our child?

I want to communicate to her that I am willing to give up everything if she gives it one last chance, and will walk away with nothing if this last one fails too.

Thanks


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

Folks,

I want to give it one last shot, have written this letter and I mean every word of it. What I want to convey is that I can do whatever it takes to heal this relationship, but at the same time I don't want to look 'too needy', and disrespectful to how she feels about this relationship. 

Could you guys give some input??

Thanks

-------------------------------------------------------------
I have seen life in a new perspective. I am working hard to develop a new outlook where there are 'no fears', but only the 'truth' resides. And my truth is that you don't go away from my thoughts even for a single moment.

I am extremely concerned about our situation. I wish I could change it and had a better understanding of our relationship.

It is so not thought of for us adults to behave like this, for me to beg you to take the divorce back and for you to be so rigid about not giving it one last chance.

We don't know what happens in the future, but we both know that our child will be deeply affected by this as she grows up. In this new year I want to tell you again that I can give up everything for that smile she used to share with both of us in the morning.

I am ready to go settle down in Yemen with you if that means anything to you. I will severe all ties with my family and will not see them ever again. You are the truth of my life and everything else feels so false and fake.

If you believe I still need to work on my nature, I will go to India for months doing meditation and yoga. This is not a joke, I have already figured out that they have programs like these. In a nutshell I sincerely hope that we can give this marriage our last best shot.

I know you are ‘extremely’ angry with me, but I believe your love for the family will eventually win over this anger. Even if you nurture, anger and hatred still die with time but love can only grow.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Love is a powerful and wonderful thing mikey, but wow!! To cut all ties with your family?! I've been to Yemen when I was in the military... trust me, you don't want to go there. And to offer to travel to India for self improvement... wow!

You have just signed over everything to her. You have given her all of your chips. It has to be a two fold thing. She has to want to make things work and has to be willing to make the same sacrifices that you are willing to make. A marriage needs both parties in order to work.

Maybe you do have to make some changes and maybe you have done some things that has made her feel a certain way. People can change over night.

Sometimes time, space, and distance can really help out and be there very thing that the other person needs. Sometimes, they just need to miss you.

I hope that things work out for you, your daughter, and your spouse.


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