# Unappreciated by my wife - considering leaving, but staying together for my daughter



## unappreciated71 (Oct 7, 2012)

We have been married for almost 10 years, we have a lovely 7yr old daughter and I love my wife. Our marriage has been rocky at times, but overall had great times together over the last many years. Our sex life is good (few times per month after 13 yrs together) and by most people's standards we have a very rich life - large house, 2 cars (mercedes), daughter in private school, global travel, no debts/mortgages etc. And yes, I'm a 'good listener', only occasionally go out with friends (once every 2-3 weeks), help my daughter with her homework, don't drink much, don't gamble, am not aggressive etc. I'm not perfect, but am a good father, husband and provider etc.

However, as the years go by, my wife is becoming more bitter and angry. We have arguments few times a week, over something petty like me forgetting a grocery or getting stuck in traffic and being 15 mins late. She gets abusive, she really has anger control issues and it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. 

Trying to discover the source of her 'unhappiness', her latest explanation is that she's frustrated that she's financially 'dependent' on me... ? Well, she doesn't work, but she has many credit cards and we have shared bank accounts and i never restrain any of her spending, which for many women is ideal, but not for her... 

Digging deeper, i believe the issue is her background. While I come from a middle class family and money was never a topic, she comes from a poor background and worked her way up (she held good jobs and made good money in the past) and there is this constant 'anxiety' in her. The paradox is, the richer we get over the years, it seems the worse it becomes and i'm really worried about the future. Knowing how she was raised, anger and conflict was the default for her and after many years I can see that this will always stay with her.

I'm considering divorce, but it breaks my heart to do this to my daughter and the effect it will have on her, as we have a very close bond. I'm mostly staying together for her and waiting for things to improve, but doubt if they will or might get worse. At the moment, she's about the only thing holding me back...


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## mandy123 (Oct 5, 2012)

hi it saddens me to hear you are having such a bad time of it, i never think it is a good idea ever to stay together for the sake of the children, i do however know how you feel.

i am married with 5 children the oldest 3 by my first boyfriend younger two with my husband now, my first relationship was horrible like you i did everything for my boyfriend, i really loved him and thought that we would be together forever, like you i gave him everything, but in return he repaid me by cheating taking my money and giving nothing in return.

i mainly stayed with him just because it was pure habit, i really thought we would be together forever and because we had children together.

he cheated on me endlessly, and when he finally said he wanted to leave ME can you believe i cried and begged him to stay, he dident and left i thought my world would fall apart, even tho i was only with him 7 years. well guess what it dident.

i have to say at first it was hard but it does get easier, i thought i would be lonely forever, but i met my husband and i am now so happy.

you seem like you're a very nice person with a lot to give someone sounds like anybody would be happy to have you, sounds to me you're been trodden over, if it is not working and you do not see it getting better, move on you deserve happiness, your daughter will always be your daughter, she will love you no matter what, but i really believe you are doing a lot of giving and i see nothing in return, i wish you all the bestxxx


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Have you and your wife EVER CONSIDERED counseling?

Why doesn't your wife get a job? NOT because you two need the money, but because it will give her something worthwhile to do and because she may feel better about herself if she earns her own money. If your social status is such that employment would be frowned upon, what about charity work? There are plenty of places that could use a talented, dedicated person to commit time, money, energy to helping a cause.

Ask your wife to accompany you to couples counselling for a set period of time (3 months, 6 months), not 'indefinitely'. See if you can improve things and identify some of the major problems that are causing her anger and, therefore, your withdrawal. Ask her to do it for you, for herself and for your daughter.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"However, as the years go by, my wife is becoming more bitter and angry"

Resentment is building in both of you and that is poison to the marriage. Your amount of years together "teen years" is the common timeline when all the crap builds, second guessing happens, the work at being loving subsides, grass starts looking greener in other areas, but it is all a fog that will lift.

At one time you both loved each other and it is still there, just not being maintained. You both are expecting the other to change, but the fact is we can only change ourselves and when we do change, our spouse in most cases will change also.

Reading your post points out clearly that you care for your child, so you owe it to her and yourself to try and fix your marriage which is having illness. Like any illness you would go seek professional help, not self doctor yourselves.

My humble advice is to MC with a pro-marriage licensed professional and IC if you can. Time heals wounds and if you are working at improving your marriage, in the end all three of you might see the light in the end.

I wish you well.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

unappreciated71 said:


> She gets abusive, she really has anger control issues and it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. ...Digging deeper, i believe the issue is her background.


In deciding whether the marriage can be salvaged, an important issue is whether her anger and abuse issues are signs of a personality disorder (which would be very difficult to treat) or, rather, signs of a stress flareup, hormone change, or communication problem (which are very treatable through MC or a physician). A third possibility, of course, is that the two of you have simply grown apart and she is no longer in love with you.

If most of the 13 years together were good and you did not see red flags for a PD until recent years -- as you seem to be saying -- I believe you can safely rule out a PD because personality disorders are too persistent to ever lie hidden for several years. If a PD can be ruled out, it would be prudent to try MC as SGW and ThisIsMe have suggested. On the other hand, if you cannot rule out a PD, I suggest you see your own psychologist (not hers) -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. 


> Knowing how she was raised, anger and conflict was the default for her and after many years I can see that this will always stay with her.


This sentence is what concerns me. It is the reason I ask whether a PD can be ruled out. Yet, based on everything else you said, my guess would be that she does NOT have a permanent pattern of strong PD traits.


> The paradox is, the richer we get over the years, it seems the worse it becomes and i'm really worried about the future.


Yes, it is a paradox. But, when a person suffers from anxiety, insecurity or a fear of abandonment, that is the way they usually behave. The more they acquire, the more they stand to lose, in their way of thinking. Take care, Unappreciated.


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## unconnected (Oct 7, 2012)

I suffered the anger and and abusive behaviour toward both me and our children for 10 years. I put up with it hoping it would get better when the children ceased being teenagers. Actually it has improved (with my wife finally accepting she needed some medical help for her anger and unhappiness). But all that has done is left me feeling 'numb' toward her. The love I must have had has rotted away through the bad years and even though things are now bearable I resent her for it. My advice is not to put up with your wife's behaviour: if the source of her unhappiness is not our marriage then you need to make sure she does something about it and now. Otherwise you risk accommodating it for years and then feeling how I do now. Men should no more put up with emotional bullying that women should put up with physical abuse.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
― Nelson Mandela

Marriage will not repair until resentment is dropped. Don't drink the poison.


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