# Advice for a Tired Husband



## bahbah (Jun 7, 2009)

I’m not sure what to do in this situation maybe some one has a tip for me. I’ll give you a little intro on to what’s happening. In my marriage we have just had twins that are 4 months old boy and girl and a 20 month old boy. So we have a lot on your plate right now. With her having to quit her job we lost a huge part of are income basically half. So I am working two jobs to make up for that working about 70 hours a week between the two jobs. And when I’m not doing that I am changing dippers and trying to help my wife get a break. After all she is stuck at home with 3 crying kids all day long.

So I’ve noticed over the past 8 months (about the time I took on a 2nd job) that we are having more disagreements. The main one has been if I ever have a different point of view on a topic she takes it as I am saying she is wrong and I am right and challenging her authority. Which to me I am not I think I just see it differently but it ends up being I get snapped at, and let it drop dismissing it at nothing more then a tired wife. But this is becoming more and more frequent it is getting harder and harder for me to just drop it. And tonight I was sick of it, I had been trying all day to make sure she had a good time, I watched the kids from 7:30pm until 12:30am allowing her to go to a music concert with her sister and neases, So I was extra annoyed when I got snapped at. I’m sure it is not the perfect time to respond since I have a cold and did not feel good to start with. I felt like I was getting slapped in the face after trying very hard to make sure she had a chance to have a special evening.

Anyways I snapped back at her, with it ending up with her crying and leaving the room (Tears are like black mail if you ask me). So I’m sitting out here wondering what I can do to help this problem. I understand I can only change things on my end. 

So what do I do? Do I act like a mindless zombie and just say I agree on every thing she says? I don’t want that and I don’t think she wants that. She said I disagree with her on everything, and I don’t believe I do, I agree with her on like 90% of the stuff we talk about, again I think of it as me just seeing things different and I try to talk about how I came to that conclusion, at which point her eyes roll to the back of her head and I get snapped at. 

But I do not go around and say I agree dear I agree dear so I guess she does not see when I do agree with her to be able to tell that my disagreements is a small percentage? Any tips on what I can do on my end to help resolve this? I believe in nipping problems in the bud awhile there still small but I am unsure of what to do. Anyways I would appreciate some input from some of the ladies out there that might have some incite into this problem with a woman’s point of view.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Note you said: "I believe in nipping problems in the bud..."

Men love to "fix" the problem, make it go away, and all is well.

Well, you problem isn't going away, you have THREE small children, a 70 hour a week job, and a wife doing mostly 24/7.

If I were a guy in your situation I would sit down with her and AGREE with her that you two are not on the most comfortable "ocean" of life together. You TWO need to make this a TEAM, not destroy yourselves with petty fixating on whether you agree on everything, or whether who is right or wrong, or who gets more "self" time... no couple does that and makes it. Sit down alone and think along these lines and how to be ALLIES with each other, not adversaries: 

"WE are a TEAM and WE have three small babies (close in birth ages) which we have a HUGE responsibility to, to raise in a GOOD, LOVING, NURTURING family. WE have financial issues pressing (hence long job hours) on US; WE could get lost in all this if WE let ourselves become caught up in the enormity of all the responsibility and forget WE are in this "boat" together; I don't want to me "me" I don't want to be "I", I want to be US - forever: YOU and ME, a TEAM. You are most important to ME and I want to be most important to YOU. It is going to take US as a TEAM, rowing together, to make it on this rough ocean called LIFE and FAMILY. This ocean is big, and scary, we have never "sailed" this before.. the navigating not exactly clear cut...but I want US. Together WE can do this...".

Don't fix her problems. Make her part of your team, be her partner and be SINCERE about it.

Also, if she argues with you, maybe it isn't really arguing as must as it is VENTING her REAL frustrations about managing three small kids. Many times a young mother will feel trapped, and then begin to envy the idea YOU get to get AWAY from the kids. SHE may not ADMIT this, as if she did, she would be admitting mothering is a huge challenge she might not be handling so very well as she thought she could (it is more Cinderella cleaning up more poop than she ever imagined rather than catching the coach to go dance and meet her prince charming...).

If you need to do anything: make more time for the TWO of you to plot your course on the Ocean together. Time to sit and talk UNINERRUPTED - she needs to have face to face, unsplintered TIME with YOU. You two need to work on your tactics to manage this life of yours, because if you have no plan to get from A to B you won't make it. It is that simple.

Example:

1) We are arguing more. What are WE going to do to figure out what is going on? Is it the isolation, is it not enough time with me, is it...LET her say what it really is and don't be offended, don't be challenging, just let her speak and LISTEN.

2) We don't get to be alone enough. What are WE going to do to figure it out.

Keep going that way. Have a MEETING, ALONE at least once a week for THREE hours; take notes. Make her feel and know you think she is important enough, let her know your life is her life.


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## Dizzy (Jun 3, 2009)

I agree with Sandy...great advise! I would also add that it's really easy to get into the trap of "who had the worst day". It's really important to allow your partner to spout about how crappy their day was without letting it imply that your day was a bed of roses.

As a stay at home mom, I know it can be hard to find validation when you're not bringing in a paycheck. Everytime someone tells me that we're lucky we can "afford" for me to stay home I want to jump on my soap box about the financial sacrifices you have to make so one of the parents can stay home with the kids. 

Being a team is absolutely the key to getting through this. She needs to know that what she's doing has value to you. And you need to know that she appreciates that your working basically 2 full work weeks every week. It almost needs to be a sense of awe that your each willing to take on your chosen roles.

Are there any grandparents, aunts or uncles willing to take the kids for a couple hours once a week so that you both can get a break together? You'd be amazed what that can do for your relationship and your attitude for each other.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can only imagine how tired and overwhelmed you both are. You've gotten good advice, and here's something more: ask for help!! Friends, family, church, work, the county. . . whatever it takes!! You do not have to go through this alone. In the past, people had so much help from family and their community. I like to tell about my Nigerian friend, who told me that in her community, women took care of new moms for 3 months with each birth-any woman available, taking turns, etc. Can you imagine how comforting that would be? And when my friend had her 3 kids here in the U.S., she had women helping 3 months for each! Now that is how a village raises a child! 

So, make a few calls and let someone take "point" on organizing whatever support you can get. It's summer, but if there is a student service group (church, school, scouts, whatever), maybe teens could give you or her 2-3 hours of relief to SLEEP uninterruptedly each day. Turn on a loud fan, and sleep! I had preemies and it was so awful, the 9 months of "newborn" stage, unlike most babies. I learned the second time around. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, remember! It does awful things to your psyche! So do what you can to get more sleep and to help her get more sleep, too. Things will probably never be this difficult again for the two of you and if you can weather this gracefully together, you will be that much stronger as a couple down the road. Best of luck!


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## bahbah (Jun 7, 2009)

You know I had forgot that guys are the type to just fix a problem and that maybe I just need to try lission more. And I agree with need more time, I thought about this all night and came to the same conclusion that we need more one on one time. A couple months ago we went away for 1 day to a hotel and that helped a ton we talked a lot and grew closer. I can tell we need more times like this. I came away from that day relising she needs more quality time with me and I need it with her and some how I got caught up in life and forgot it.

But I think you might be right maybe when shes getting upset and I’m busy trying to fix it or taken offense when shes trying to explain a problem or venting. I’ll be more open to this in the future.

Thanks for the tips. I believe they will help.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I would say, dude, that even if you are right, you are wrong when you are arguing with an overtired mother of infant twins and a toddler.

You cannot win a competition like that.

I would also agree that you need more alone time with your wife, but calling it a meeting for three hours?

No, I think what you need is a date with her alone. Hire a sitter, get a relative, someone to help.

I also agree that you and she are in a marathon of sleep deficit and will be until she gets a break when the kids go to school.

A 70-hour week of work is pretty brutal. And not just on you. Your family doesn't get your presence, your wife doesn't get you there with her as a united front with the kids.'

Maybe you two need to really go over the finances and see if the actual income of the extra 30 hours is really worth the impact on your lives.

Get rid of cable TV. Start using a clothesline outside, don't go to starbucks, etc. Shop at cheaper grocery stores. Walk instead of driving everywhere. Take a lunch, a sandwich from home, to work. Raise the deductible on your car insurance. Turn off the all the vampire electronics in the house when you are not using them.

I know, I may be presuming you haven't done all those things. I'm just suggesting that working more hours and your wife and kids getting more isolated from you may not be the right path right now. And there are ways to cut back even more than one thinks to make it possible.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My advice to tired man is to hang in there, the kids are very young and this will not last a lifetime, soon your situation will improve.
Just hang in there. In a few years things will be much easier with everything. Very young children ( a few) would be hard on anyone.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, and another thing I learned (am mother of FOUR):

You and she need to understand the power of looking at each other and KNOWINGLY say: "This too shall pass..." when it comes to children of a young age. NOTHING about raising kids is PERMANENT - other than the ever deepening of love for them; and one needs to CONSTANTLY remember, kids evolve and change, constantly...you meet one challenge and solve it, another challenge pops up. It is like playing Wack a Mole! 

My oldest is 33 the youngest is nearly 16 and if I don't say this mantra "This too shall pass..." at least once a week I figure I must be dead.

Hmmm...as a matter of fact I say "This too shall pass..." about my spouse too! LOL


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

:smthumbup: You guys are full of sage wisdom. The regular date idea is VERY IMPORTANT! If you can't afford a sitter, see if you can start a baby sitting co-op with some other people in your neighborhood or church who have kids. It's a great way to have a support network, help out each other and give you and your wife time to just listen to each other, hold on to each other, and remember why you had kids together to begin with.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

many schools require service hours from the kids now, so really look into that for free babysitting--of course you have to trust the 
sitter(s) but that's all the more reason to ask for 2 (b/c of the ages and the twins) so you get 2 kids, who will also keep an eye on one another. A small private school may have a really good handle on which kids are good sitters, and they may be happy to help, even in summer, if you just ask and explain your need. I'm sure some bigger public schools have a good handle on such things, too, but it can be harder to figure out who to talk with. And don't forget your church, if you have one! A terrific resource for support.


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