# G'day.



## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

G'day everyone...been reading all day after I found this great site. Im a wife of 13 years and partner of H for 19 years. He's been my best friend since we were 15 or so. We have 3 crazy, beautiful kids and run a small farm.Horses, dogs, ducks, hens,rabbit are part of the menagerie! Its a crazy life, and we love it....
BUT
Recently, or perhaps its been building up over the years...but I feel like im raising a fourth child with my husband as that FOURTH child.:scratchhead:
He is a hard working engineer, whom has lost his mojo for life it seems. He is unmotivated, and unresponsive. I feel like im giving and not getting much back...especially in the last 12 months. He doesnt show affection unless he wants sex(that always been like that), he complains about the kids being ''full on'' when he is at home. He complains he never gets ''time out'' to do what he wants to do, he makes a big deal out of taking the garbage to the disposal site and small little things around the home...its like he wants a parade and a medal...dont get me wrong I thank him...but c'mon! Im so frustrated with him. We agreed to have kids, and yes they are full on!! Yet 12 years of having kids, he still acts like this is all a big surprise!
In the past he has aked me to make him a job list around the home of all the things that need attention so it can help him. He always complains that the kids always want his time, and he cant seem to work out how to give that to them. Ive always said to him...its about quality, not qauntity...so in this I gave him a list of activities to help him prioritise each child, so they feel like they have had him to themselves without the H feeling overhwhelmed with all three clambering about him. asking for his attention. He seemed happy to accept the lists, so I went to work for a few hours...and came home to an angry frustrated H and the kids walking around with frowns. I walk in and notice it is lunch time, so proceed to cook for them all. It just pisses me off that he sits there on his arse!! And complains about how he cant spend money, and have his own time out. He is acting really immature and im pretty sick of it. He has a young 12 year old Son he will lose too soon. Very soon his Son wont bother to ask to spend time with him...and I know he'll regret it. Im trying to be Mum and Dad to the kids, but I feel cheated. I married someone whom I trusted to share my life with as a MAN. But it seems like Ive ended up with a child. What can I do?


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

I think you are right *Dean* and Ive suggested to him to take a man-cation...so out and do something by himself...but he doesnt get motivated enough to do it. Its heartbreaking, as he is a good man and a very hard worker...but he is terribly disorganised and just cant seem to be bothered to even go! I feel like if I organised it, loaded his bike up, packed his bag...he would do it....but geez....is this the only answer?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont seem to be giving him any chance at all. You make 'lists' to order him about. Are you his boss or his wife.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

accept said:


> You dont seem to be giving him any chance at all. You make 'lists' to order him about. Are you his boss or his wife.


Exactly. I hate it. I dont have an equal partner anymore. I hate it. I hold down 4 jobs, we have three incredible kids and Its too much for me...I need him back.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Giving time to your kids is a parents job not just one parent but both, you need to sort this out quickly its quite worrying that you said he has a 12 year old who wont want to spend time with his dad. I think you should express your concerns to your husband and tell him straight that if you have to do everything on your own then whats the point of him being there. Your holding down 4 jobs as you said also you are taking care of the house and the kids its to much for anyone. Let him know that compared to you he has an easy life and you wish you had a life like that. Sounds like he is immature and just wants his own space its time for a wake up call when you have kids kiss goodbye to the alone time


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

I have repeatedly said to him, he needs to engage his kids, show his Son what it is to be a man, because its just something I cannot do! Its really starting to show with our Son...he is missing out on knowing just what a great man his Father is. I want them to be mates...but times running away from him, and Im scared he'll wake up oneday and suddenly want that time with his boy...but for it to be too late. At 12...there really isnt much time left. 
H is not lazy by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to ask him to do many things...when in my mind...it should be automatic by now. I have to organise everything....every single thing...and im tired. Ive discussd with him my fears, he listens and nods and agree's but he always slips back into his old habits. He asked me to write it all down in list form, and I have...but seriousley...he's a grown man...when does it come to a point when he takes responsibilty for himself and his actions? I think he has it in his head that he works hard, he brings home money....and thats his job done. End of story. How do I convery to him that he owes his family more than that without it being accusitory or complaining...because that wont work...is there 'manspeak'?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

To be honest I think it wont be just your son who will get fed up of waiting for his dad to be a dad i think you will walk before that. You shouldnt be doing a list for him you shouldnt be doing a list for him your not his mum where he needs to be told what to do and when he should do it. He needs to be a man and step up to the responsibility of being a dad. Your son is 12 at this point you need to be a little more harsh and point out how lucky he is to have kids some people aint that blessed to have any of their own.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

IM thinking of writing him a letter for him to read...Do you all think this could be a way to convey to him what I need from him?

Here is a draft:
Hi Sweety,

Im finally writing down a letter to you. It seems im unable to convey to you the words needed for you to really HEAR me.

We have been married for 13 years this year, and we know each other pretty well I think. But there has been a dramatic shift in our dynamics.

Im working very hard to try and let you know in the best possible, positive way on what needs to change.

So please know anything I now write down, the words come from my heart and they aren’t meant to hurt. This comes from a place of love and from a place inside me that wants you as my equal partner for the rest of my life.

I know what Im about to write down has been spoken of many times, but it seems that that way of communication isn’t working anymore. So Im hoping this letter will finally have you open your eyes and your mind to how serious this is for us both.

We have 3 glorious, crazy kids that are missing out on knowing just how great you are. They love you to bits. And, hopefully, always will. BUT you are running out of time with them. One thing that is certain is you will always feel tired. BUT, you owe your children more of an effort. 

They wont be here to bother you for much longer. And if you continue your pattern of always saying no, always claiming to be too tired, or never having your time to yourself when you actively do nothing to make time for yourself…you will come to a point, VERY SOON, that your kids will no longer be there to ask for your time.

I know you do make efforts to spend time with them, but you complain about it afterward, or walk away with steam coming out of your ears….can you imagine how that makes them feel? How it makes me feel? Last Sunday was the straw that broke my back to be honest.I try and do the right thing in helping you cope by writing a list for you that you have asked me to do many times in the past, but you looked at it with so much frustration and contempt that I though ‘Why am I bothering’? And then I thought, ‘I shouldn’t be responsible for it anyway’!! Its not up to me to help you to be organized with the kids…you have had them in your life long enough to know how to handle them.

Im responsible for so much. I need an equal partner in every aspect of our lives to continue forward.

You NEED to show your Son how to be a man. YOU are the only person who can. He needs YOU. You complain that he annoys you and you just don’t know how to handle him without getting frustrated….well you have to make a choice. You can choose to keep stepping away from your responsibility to him, by using the same excuses weekend after weekend, or you make a serious change with your attitude towards him. One thing that wont change is your work…but that’s not **** responsibility or his fault. He is paying the price of you not changing how you balance yourself.

You seem to have an attitude of you work, you bring home good money and…that’s your responsibilities taken care of. That’s not right…it’s a small part of the whole picture. The day we welcomed our kids into the world together was the day we both promised to give our kids our best…not just financially but emotionally.

You owe it to yourself, to me and especially to your children to do better everyday. I think you need to take time out for yourself to be better for US. You need to take responsibility for yourself and YOUR needs, not me. I feel like I organize you to within an inch of your life at times…and I don’t want or need that responsibility anymore.

There is so much more I want to say, but I don’t want to get bogged down in semantics and for you to loose my honest intentions through me dribbling on and on.

I hope you can see that what Ive said is meant to help you to see how much WE need you in our lives and how much we NEED you to be a happier man. If that means you step outside your comfort zone (bike riding…running…join a cricket team ect…hike mount everest!.. or whatever) and go exploring whatever you need to do, then so be it…please do it. For our family.

We love you with all our hearts.

xxxx


I would appreciate your feedback TAM.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Auzzie ~

Is your husband's lack of interactions with the kids something that has always been there, or is it more recent? You mention him changing in the last 12 months or so, so it made me wonder. How, exactly has he changed in the last 12 months? Any drivers you can think of - things that changed? Any reasons or signs there might be something more insidious - someone else involved?

Your husband sounds like he might be depressed or in that mid-life crisis mode - tired of life, lacking energy. Has he had a physical at the doctor's to make sure that there isn't any health issues or depression going on - especially with the fatigue and tiredness and kind of lackadaisical attitude that he has?

How is the level of sexual intimacy in your marriage? Sometimes that can be a good barometer of the relative health of your relationship.

I think at this point, if I were you, I would quit with all of the lists. If there's any lists that need to be made - it can be a weekly chore list and should include all the kids too and a monthly calendar prominently displayed for everyone in the family that has all of the appointments and other things to know on it. Then everyone in the family can take responsibility for writing their appointments down and doing their chores. Let your husband be responsible for his own share. Try and take the positive tack for a while and see how it works - instead of nagging about things not getting done, praise for things that do get done.

I would also suggest (after that doctor's appointment ), that you consider what it is that are your husband's most critical emotional needs and whether they are being met. Perhaps the very things that you think are insignificant to you - such as those expressions of appreciation for going to work and providing for the family - are actually of great importance to him and he feels bereft without them. As a wife, we have tremendous power to help motivate our husbands with our words, our love, our devotion, and often our very bodies. 

Does your H ever do things as a family with you? It sounded like you wanted him to spend some one on one time with the kids, but if that is overwhelming for him then spending time together doing something fun as a family may be more beneficial. Perhaps he feels completely overwhelmed and lacking in knowing what to do with the kids - that can make anyone feel inadequate.

And, finally, have you ever looked in to counseling - marital, family, individual - so that you can learn more about each other and how to communicate and interact with each other better?

Best wishes.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Auzzie ~
> Is your husband's lack of interactions with the kids something that has always been there, or is it more recent? You mention him changing in the last 12 months or so, so it made me wonder. How, exactly has he changed in the last 12 months? Any drivers you can think of - things that changed? Any reasons or signs there might be something more insidious - someone else involved?


We have gone through a huge emotional and financial change in the last 12 months...so this would be part of the reason.



Enchantment said:


> Your husband sounds like he might be depressed or in that mid-life crisis mode - tired of life, lacking energy. Has he had a physical at the doctor's to make sure that there isn't any health issues or depression going on - especially with the fatigue and tiredness and kind of lackadaisical attitude that he has?


I do think he is suffering depression, but I know if I mention going to a doctor he will stonewall. Unfortunately he hates doctors/pills or even the word depression...so I dont like my chances of having any success in trying to broach that subject.


Enchantment said:


> How is the level of sexual intimacy in your marriage? Sometimes that can be a good barometer of the relative health of your relationship.


We have never had a high level of sexual attraction, but thats more because of my background. Being sexually abused by two men from the age of 5 till 13 has kind of broken that part of me. H has been to counselling with me to try and understand me and what happened, but hasnt ever really put the effort in to help me or try to improve. Im hoping it will change oneday...but I dont hold much hope. I give him oral pleasure a lot so he is kept as happy as I can manage. 



Enchantment said:


> I think at this point, if I were you, I would quit with all of the lists. If there's any lists that need to be made - it can be a weekly chore list and should include all the kids too and a monthly calendar prominently displayed for everyone in the family that has all of the appointments and other things to know on it. Then everyone in the family can take responsibility for writing their appointments down and doing their chores. Let your husband be responsible for his own share. Try and take the positive tack for a while and see how it works - instead of nagging about things not getting done, praise for things that do get done.


Yes, Ive backed off a great deal and Ive realised that it wont work.



Enchantment said:


> I would also suggest (after that doctor's appointment ), that you consider what it is that are your husband's most critical emotional needs and whether they are being met. Perhaps the very things that you think are insignificant to you - such as those expressions of appreciation for going to work and providing for the family - are actually of great importance to him and he feels bereft without them. As a wife, we have tremendous power to help motivate our husbands with our words, our love, our devotion, and often our very bodies.


Thank you I will take that advice onboard.



Enchantment said:


> Does your H ever do things as a family with you? It sounded like you wanted him to spend some one on one time with the kids, but if that is overwhelming for him then spending time together doing something fun as a family may be more beneficial. Perhaps he feels completely overwhelmed and lacking in knowing what to do with the kids - that can make anyone feel inadequate.


We stay home a lot as money it tight, so as a family unit we are together a lot. Ive bought books, made suggestions for years. I know ive done it in a positive manner...but maybe I need to find another approach. H doesnt have a lot of friends outside of his family...again, ive tried to encourage him to go out and just relax with the lads...but he isnt a drinker and doesnt feel relaxed in that environment...he will if I organise it though...so I am at a loss TBH. I think Im the only wife who actively encourages her H to go out and have fun with other men...get drunk....do 'guy stuff'. 



Enchantment said:


> And, finally, have you ever looked in to counseling - marital, family, individual - so that you can learn more about each other and how to communicate and interact with each other better?
> 
> Best wishes.


Ive done years of counselling for my childhood, and started to progress further into our relationship over the last few sessions. H has attended under duress. And says the right things and nods and is understanding...but it seems the curtains go down as soon as we get back into our home environment.  Im feeling exhausted TBH. Im trying to meet three childrens emotional needs, im keeping the home in order, 4 jobs, trying to keep myself emotionally and physically healthy...and now Im trying to help H. I dont know what more I can do TBH.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Auzzie,
Your situation assessment seems very balanced and fair. 

For a survivor you seem to have come to terms with your painful past in a high functioning manner. 

I realize the sexual part of your marriage has been adversely impacted by your abuse, and his childish behavior. Prior to that - if we were to inject him with truth serum and ask him how he felt about your sex life what would he have said? And do you think you would agree with his view of how things were prior to this last year? I only ask because his view, and your view might be very different. 

Aside from the organizational stuff, he really does need to step up and show you that you are the most important person in his life by:
- Finding a positive way to interact with the children. Maybe this is taking them out for a walk - he desperately needs more exercise. Maybe it is throwing a ball around outside. However he does it - he should mix exercise with interaction. 
- Making the effort to provide you with a lot of non-sexual affection. Just as you put him first and foremost when you please him in a one-sided manner - he needs to put you first in this way. 
- He is depressed and he needs to realize that burning you out is not going to improve his life at all - just the opposite. 

If you don't mind sharing, when did you tell him about your abuse? Was there a time in your marriage when the physical part of it was something you looked forward to, or was it always "part of the job"? 

A couple of observations: When we were younger and I was suffering from acute testosterone poisoning we had very little non-sexual affection. When I touched her I immediately became very turned on. NOT GOOD. Fortunately I got enough other stuff right that she was inclined to make our sex life great. 

Fast forward to today: We have tons of non-sexual affection. And plenty of sex - even though we don't have intercourse. menopause makes that painful for her so we do other stuff. 

The BEST thing about my W is that it seems she WANTS to please me. And that is the biggest turn on in the world.....



Auzzie said:


> We have gone through a huge emotional and financial change in the last 12 months...so this would be part of the reason.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you probably realize that you are coming to a breaking point. When a partner does not act like a partner, but instead breaks trust by not doing what s/he says s/he will (like asking for the lists but not following them), when their behavior starts to affect our children's self-esteem, the question begins to arise, "Are we better off with or without him/her?"

I've lived this, and I decided that it was better without. I'm not saying--by any means--you will end up the same. But I think you probably need to tell him that is the direction things are heading. 

My ex always said he'd do more, do better, etc., but didn't. He would not listen to my expressed needs--when I told him that I needed a more varied sex life, he said that what he was doing "worked," so he wasn't going to change it. He also wanted sex even though I wasn't interested at times, and would guilt me into it--yes, my fault, too, but I was trying to be accommodating. I am very sexual but it really, really turned me off to have him ignore my needs but insist on his own.

My ex would never try anything--not a different way of interacting with our kids, different way of doing anything. He had few friends, avoided the family when he was home because the kids made things "too chaotic," and did as little as possible around the house. He seemed chronically depressed but "didn't believe in" therapy. 

I have never once regretted being on my own, and it has been a huge relief not to feel responsible for him anymore. I urge you to let him know that you do not want to reach the moment when you realize you will be happier without him--bc once you do, there will be no turning back. 

He needs to know you are reaching the point of no return--he is not thinking about you at all, so he will be shocked to realize it has come to this. But that's only b/c he hasn't been paying attention. don't let guilt make decisions for you, either; decide what you need, what it looks like, and tell him--and make sure he understands that you mean now and forever, b/c back sliding is simply proof of what you probably will suspect: he's only "changing" to keep you off his back, and once he feels safe, he'll go back to old ways b/c he doesn't really care about you. 

I hope I'm wrong and he's not this selfish; only you will be able to decide. God bless and good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Auzzie,

I too think that your husband is suffering from depression. If you cannot get him to see a doctor about it there are things that could help that are available over the counter. 


St. John's Wort
Omega-3 fatty acids
5-HTP
Sam-E ---- it has to be taken with a B vitamin suppliment to be obsobred correctly. 


Depression Remedies - 8 Natural Treatments to Consider


DHEA is another one that can help. 


If he hates pills, they can be crushed and put into something like milk or orange juice.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> For a survivor you seem to have come to terms with your painful past in a high functioning manner.


Its taken a very long time. Im 40 and only just getting parts of my emotional self sorted. Ive started to repair my relationship with my Mother, reported one of my abusers to the police...nothing became of it after a year of backward and forwarding with the state police...but he is now watched very closely...which is all I can legally do. Im also trying my hardest not to repeat the mistakes of my parents, and now...im working on my sexuality. But with this part I need to have trust with H...and right now I dont have that.




MEM11363 said:


> I realize the sexual part of your marriage has been adversely impacted by your abuse, and his childish behavior. Prior to that - if we were to inject him with truth serum and ask him how he felt about your sex life what would he have said? And do you think you would agree with his view of how things were prior to this last year? I only ask because his view, and your view might be very different.


I think he would have liked more...perhaps for me to be more comfrtable in my own skin...but I try my very hardest by putting myself in sexual situations that in my head im crying at time...dont get me wrong...im not being hurt or anything as H is as gentle as possible....but he never takes the time for me. And after intercourse he always apologises for cumming too quickley...and he's been apologising for 19 years...and I need him to stop...and I have asked him to stop apologising...but it seems its so automatic for him







MEM11363 said:


> If you don't mind sharing, when did you tell him about your abuse? Was there a time in your marriage when the physical part of it was something you looked forward to, or was it always "part of the job"?


I told him a few months in to our relationship. We had known each other many years before we took our friendship into a more committed direction...and as I knew he was the one, I felt I owed him that heads up.





sisters359 said:


> I think you probably realize that you are coming to a breaking point. When a partner does not act like a partner, but instead breaks trust by not doing what s/he says s/he will (like asking for the lists but not following them), when their behavior starts to affect our children's self-esteem, the question begins to arise, "Are we better off with or without him/her?"
> 
> I've lived this, and I decided that it was better without. I'm not saying--by any means--you will end up the same. But I think you probably need to tell him that is the direction things are heading.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. He does do things for the family, but not just for me. He never takes the initiative to do anything for just me



EleGirl said:


> Auzzie,
> 
> I too think that your husband is suffering from depression. If you cannot get him to see a doctor about it there are things that could help that are available over the counter.
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much. I'll be getting these things and asking him to try it...perhaps I can say they are a protein shake? I know if I mention they help with depression...he wont take them. Gosh it sounds bad, having to use subterfuge.

Thank you each and everyone of you who have replied so far. Its so nice to 'speak' to others, even though it should b H I speak with...I cant right now...doesnt mean I wont in the very near future...but its nice to get advise and help.


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