# we want to marry but his family ....



## Xania (Jun 20, 2012)

Hii everybody

i know this sound like some messed up lovestory but this is what is happening in my life right now 

So i am a 22 year old black Woman that was working in a company as an assistant.. so when i first met my boss we felt from top to toe in love with each other but we would never kiss or hug or something because he was married even trough he was in a unhappy marriage and i didnt want to start something with an married man. so he later found out that his wife was cheating on him with an 15 year younger guy (my boss is 42 and his wife is 40) he's having a divorce right now and looking forward to marry me as soon as possible because i'm pregnant right now with his child. now heres the problem: HIS FAMILY
they don't really like because they think i was the one that broke my boss and his wife's marriage even trough she was the one another reason for my boss wanting to divorce his wife was because he (my boss) always wanted to have children and a family but his wife never got pregnant for 17 years of marriage.
now my question : what can i do to make them like me? or accept that we are going to marry each other 
my boss is an 100% italian and he could never imagine having a wedding without his family (me either) but we really want to marry and have this baby !!!!

thank you so much for taking time to read this i really need help 
thank you


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well first of all... You contradicted yourself in your post.. You said you didn't want to start anything with a married man.. and yet.. Your pregnant with his child and he's not even divorced yet? Sorry.. but I'm thinking... Shame on you. As far as his family goes... they are right to an extent since.. after all.. he isn't divorced yet according to you and your with child... HIS child. Now.. not every woman is capable of having offspring and it seems like your taking a shot at this mans wife because of that. That in itself is again.. wrong imo. Now another thing.. pertaining to his family.. what you did.. is wrong in their eyes and they may NEVER forgive either of you for it so .. that is something you two will just have to learn to accept for making... imo.. a stupid decision. The least both of you could have done.. was wait until he was actually divorced before having a relationship.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Agreed ^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're more convenient to blame than the x wife. They probably have known her for quite some time and loved her. You are new and young. An easy target for them.

They probably won't ever change their mind about you unfortunately. And it's stupid for them or anybody else to blame you. You're 22 years old and he's a big boy...he can decide to wait until the divorce is legal and then tell his parents he's dating you. It sounds like he never set the scene for them and left them having to put the pieces together for themselves. Which is never good for the hot young new wife.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Even 22 year olds are old enough to know right from wrong. Takes two to tango, she was/is perfectly capable of deciding to wait just as he was/is.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

sinnister said:


> They probably won't ever change their mind about you unfortunately. And it's stupid for them or anybody else to blame you.


OF course i do agree that IF they are placing ALL the blame on her.. yes that is stupid.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You're about hit jackpot. Make more babies = more child support $$.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Absolutely agree with Gaia... From OP's post it is more than clear that what happened between OP and her boss was highly inappropriate (no hugs, no kisses, yet pregnant... hmm) You might as well have hugged and kissed each other. What difference did that make? Also, you blame the boss's wife for not getting pregnant in 17 years of marriage. Being a woman you should know better than that. Have you seen the medical reports? 

Also are you certain there is really an affair going on with the boss's wife and some other guy... exactly the same time when the boss has an affair with you and you get pregnant. Sounds like _*too much of a coincidence*_. Are you sure this is not a made up piece of information to sugar-coat your post? I agree with your boss's family that after reading your post I too get the feeling that you broke up your boss's marriage and your boss is no better for letting that happen. I can understand why the boss's family wouldn't want to be a part of the wedding. They obviously sympathize with boss's wife. I guess you and the boss need to live with your respective wrongdoings and accept what comes with it. 

Don't expect it to be done the "right way" if it was "wrong" to begin with.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Xania, at 22, you probably can't even realize yet just how wrong HE is. You can't make his family accept you. You didn't break up his marriage, but he definitely did. Even if his wife had affairs, and even if it was because he was unkind to her, that means he didn't make his marriage enough of a priority. In fact, he coped with it by turning to a girl who is young enough to be his child and getting her pregnant while he is still married. 

There are so many red flags here that the only truly good answer I can give you is that you would be smart to reconsider having this relationship at all. Luckily for you, his family is forcing you to open your eyes and look at the situation, but you might still not see what you should be seeing - that your relationship with this man isn't a healthy one.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I still think.. even at 22 she is old enough to know right from wrong .. guess that's just me though.. :/


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I still think.. even at 22 she is old enough to know right from wrong .. guess that's just me though.. :/


Sure she knows right from wrong. But what's done is done. She's still not old enough to recognize and understand those other red flags, I suspect (their age differences, the fact that he wasn't responsible enough to prevent her getting pregnant before he was divorced, the cultural aspects, and the other points eowyn made.)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sure she knows right from wrong. But what's done is done. She's still not old enough to recognize and understand those other red flags, I suspect (their age differences, the fact that he wasn't responsible enough to prevent her getting pregnant before he was divorced, the cultural aspects, and the other points eowyn made.)


Ignorance is bliss... for a short while anyway... eh?  But yeah.. she probably isn't seeing the redflags there as you say.


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## Xania (Jun 20, 2012)

uhm okay but let me just clear out some things 
well the first thing is that i dont want to blame his wife for breaking her marriage alone ...... i know that we have made bad things as well 
and 
he (my boss) moved out after he found out that his wife cheated so they we're actually seperated (he 100 % wanted a divorce)

we weren't in a relationship we just started to hang out togheter and after a while he said that he wants to be with me and we had sex, and i got pregnant while he is divorcing

and yes being pregnant in such a time is really stupid 
but it just happend that way and when i told him that i'am expecting a child he was just happy and loved the baby from the first moment 

we just taught that he could divorce his wife .. marry me have the baby and live happily togheter but things are just bad right now
and we're not proud of that what happend but it happend and we just want to make the best thing out of it 

and you can sayy sugar baby or gold digger how much u want but i will only say that this is 100000% love and nothing bout the money or else 


thank you


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I .. don't think anyone accused you of being a gold digger... Not that I seen anyway? You should keep in mind... from now on though that seperated.. is not divorced. I do applaud you for realizing that yes.. getting pregnant at that time is indeed a bad move. At least you recognize some of the wrongs you did in this situation. Now... this... "we just taught that he could divorce his wife .. marry me have the baby and live happily togheter" sounds like you were expecting a fairy tale ending. Nothing in life is ever going to be... "Happily ever after" Especially not being in a relationship.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Xania said:


> uhm okay but let me just clear out some things
> well the first thing is that i dont want to blame his wife for breaking her marriage alone ...... i know that we have made bad things as well
> and
> he (my boss) moved out after he found out that his wife cheated so they we're actually seperated (he 100 % wanted a divorce)
> ...


Stuff happens. I hope things work out as you'd like them to, though it'll be hard to get there. 

I've mentioned some red flags that I hope you'll look at. Here's one more that is a BIG one, too. At your age, you're just starting in your career. You'll be at the peak of your career right around the time he's going to be ready to retire. Some questions I hope you'll ask yourself (whenever applicable): 

- How will things be when he has no work responsibilities and you still have to go to work every day? Will he go off and do his own thing? Will you be the ball and chain that keeps him from travelling, starting a hobby career, or whatever his goals are?
- Your child will be reaching college age as he's getting ready to retire. Will you both be able to put away for college AND retirement? 
- Will he resent you if you want to spend money and have fun at a time when he needs to putting away money for retirement? 
- How will your energy and motivation levels work together or conflict as the years pass when there's such a large age gap?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Xania said:


> and you can sayy sugar baby or gold digger how much u want but i will only say that this is 100000%love and nothing bout the money or else


Please allow me to interject an opinion here. You realize getting pregnant wasn't good due to the timing of this situation. Granted, your boss IS getting divorced; however, I question why no birth control precautions were taken. Maybe he really wants children, but it would probably have made things a bit easier, regarding how his family feels, if the pregnancy occurred AFTER the divorce was finalized.

There are a lot of well-meaning folks here on TAM. Nobody said you are a "sugar baby" or a "gold digger." You said that. You came here seeking advice and suggestions. You have received them, with NO name calling. My mom always said, "if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question." 

There ARE red flags in this situation. Nevertheless, I hope things work out for you.

Best of luck.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Xania said:


> Hii everybody
> 
> i know this sound like some messed up lovestory but this is what is happening in my life right now
> 
> ...



assuming that he is with you , and he is being truthful with you in wanting to marry you to me it is pretty simple . if he wants to marry you , he will marry you . if his family does not respect him enough to accept his choice then he needs to be a man and stand up to them and do what he wants to do and marry you . the bottom line is it is his family is not who he is having a child with or living with or in a relationship with , you are . 


the more important question for you is what you have done , are going to do , and are willing to accept . if you did not want to have a relationship with a married man you would not have . his wifes infidelity should have in no way effected your actions . not only did you get into a relationship with a married man , you got pregnant by him . 

does he still live with his wife ? are you and him currently living together ? in a committed relationship ? has he actually filed for divorce yet ? 

you can only control your own actions , and your own decisions . just because you started off on the wrong path does not mean you have to stay on it . look at your situation and see it for what it is , not for what you want or hope it to be . you know if he has , or has not been honest with you . decide what you think is right and wrong , then decide what you should do based on what is best for you and your child . 


it would be easier to kick water uphill than it would be to make someone into something they are not . it would be easier by far to make your decisions based on what is real , and best for you , than either of the other 2 option.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well first of all... You contradicted yourself in your post.. You said you didn't want to start anything with a married man.. and yet.. Your pregnant with his child and he's not even divorced yet? Sorry.. but I'm thinking... Shame on you. As far as his family goes... they are right to an extent since.. after all.. he isn't divorced yet according to you and your with child... HIS child. Now.. not every woman is capable of having offspring and it seems like your taking a shot at this mans wife because of that. That in itself is again.. wrong imo. Now another thing.. pertaining to his family.. what you did.. is wrong in their eyes and they may NEVER forgive either of you for it so .. that is something you two will just have to learn to accept for making... imo.. a stupid decision. The least both of you could have done.. was wait until he was actually divorced before having a relationship.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well first of all... You contradicted yourself in your post.. You said you didn't want to start anything with a married man.. and yet.. Your pregnant with his child and he's not even divorced yet? Sorry.. but I'm thinking... Shame on you. As far as his family goes... they are right to an extent since.. after all.. he isn't divorced yet according to you and your with child... HIS child. Now.. not every woman is capable of having offspring and it seems like your taking a shot at this mans wife because of that. That in itself is again.. wrong imo. Now another thing.. pertaining to his family.. what you did.. is wrong in their eyes and they may NEVER forgive either of you for it so .. that is something you two will just have to learn to accept for making... imo.. a stupid decision. The least both of you could have done.. was wait until he was actually divorced before having a relationship.


NO! Why berate her - if you read her post, the marriage was already broken as the wife was already cheating. Why do people come on threads and immediately throw out insults like this. Give the woman some advice. My advice - you love him, he loves you. Hope for the family to see the light, maybe they will maybe they won't, just focus in the two of you and happens with the family is up to them. If you are a good wife and companion that is what matters and sometimes you need someone to remind you of that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Let me get this straight. 

You had an affair with your boss and are now pregnant with his child. Him and his wife are getting divorced. 

Does she know about you? 
How do you know she had an affair too? 
Is he planning on telling his parents that he had an affair with you? 
Has he actually SAID he wants to marry you? 

FYI. You can't use the wife's affair to justify your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Birth control, anyone?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He's 42 huh? But not exactly acting his age....? Look you are 20 years younger than him, his wife's side of the bed isn't even cold and he's already got you knocked up. His family are thinking 'midlife crisis/rebound alert!' as am I.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But you can't marry him... he's already married. And you can't make his family like you or accept you. You cnt make anyone do anything. That's not how it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Please allow me to interject an opinion here. You realize getting pregnant wasn't good due to the timing of this situation. Granted, your boss IS getting divorced; however, I question why no birth control precautions were taken. Maybe he really wants children, but it would probably have made things a bit easier, regarding how his family feels, if the pregnancy occurred AFTER the divorce was finalized.
> 
> There are a lot of well-meaning folks here on TAM. Nobody said you are a "sugar baby" or a "gold digger." You said that. You came here seeking advice and suggestions. You have received them, with NO name calling. My mom always said, "if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question."
> 
> ...


Well, actually someone essentially did. Keko made a comment about "more babies = more child support" or some such nonsense
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SparklyShoes (Sep 9, 2012)

keko said:


> You're about hit jackpot. Make more babies = more child support $$.


Maybe noone called you a gold digger ect but in fairness the comment above says it indirectly. You came her for advice not to be attacked. I'm not saying what you did is right. You asked how to get the family to accept you? Not what the difference between right and wrong is. I really don't think there is anything you can do to be accepted. Maybe time will heal.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

We'll probably never know, folks. *Xania has never posted again *since she left these two posts in June of this year.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

He's too old for you to have a long and happy life. This from an old guy. Please do everything necessary to take care of your baby.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> NO! Why berate her - if you read her post, the marriage was already broken as the wife was already cheating. Why do people come on threads and immediately throw out insults like this. Give the woman some advice. My advice - you love him, he loves you. Hope for the family to see the light, maybe they will maybe they won't, just focus in the two of you and happens with the family is up to them. If you are a good wife and companion that is what matters and sometimes you need someone to remind you of that!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Berate her? There are plenty of people on here who have cheated and reconciled. Infidelity does not necessarily mean the relationship is broken. Frankly I think its idiotic to think that one should toss aside years of marriage for a few seemingly happy moments with an affair partner. For all you know the husband and wife could reconciled and came out with a stronger relationship with one another. I dont consider what she did to be love... So yes I will say shame on her. That is my opinion and will always remain so. What she says may not even be the truth about her bosses marriage. After all she is a third party.... So she really wouldnt know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Xania,

I will not chastise you for actions that you know were not the best and obviously the timing of your pregnancy could have been better. Still the situation is what it is and that is what you have to deal with now. I have some good news for you and some bad news for you. First the bad news is, you cannot make your potential in-laws like you. Either they will or they won’t. However, you need to step back from this a little and see things from their point of view. 

Since you mentioned them as Italian decent, I would assume that they are Roman Catholics. I would assume (bad thing to do), that your intended was married in the church. This can be an embarrassment to the family and your marriage will most likely not be in the Catholic church. This may not mean anything to you, but it may to them, even if you don’t view them as religious people. I know nothing of this family, but would imagine them to be a close knit group. That being the case, the former wife, was a part of this family for 17 years. While him and she may have had differences, that don’t mean that the rest of the family did not love her like their daughter and or sister. They do not want her to be replaced with someone new; they want them to work on the marriage. I also think this is the best policy, get rid of old relationship, before you start new one. 

It was wrong of your intend to let this get to this point. He had a wife and family; he should have gotten a divorce and then gotten into a relationship. His wife’s infidelity is a good reason for divorcing her, but not a reason to start a relationship with you. 

The good news is you have a special little person that needs you attention and focus. Let this fellow resolve this mess that he made and you concentrate on the baby. If he ever gets his act together, then you can enter into the picture. He has obligations legally and to closure of that relationship and his family. DO NOT get in that mess; let him fight his own battle. You worry about the baby. You are young and in love and about to become a new mother, so I know this is a special time for you. I wish you all the very best.


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