# The Male Mid Life Crisis Question.



## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

I'm just wondering if any men on here has went through a midlife crisis if so how did you feel? 

I'm asking because My husband is always depressed, forgetting things, says he doesn't know how he feels inside about anything. 

Whats the best way to help him to deal with the guilt of leaving his family? He cries a lot, says he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He says that he feels like he can't forgive himself.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

It probably just requires time. Its been two years now since I turned 50 and I have reinvented every aspect of myself. I am not depressed, more impatient and sometimes agitated. I assume it will dissipate with time, and my wife and kids will be grateful.

Your husband should push past "woe is me" because that's a bad place to be and not constructive. Buck up and fake it til you make it. He may not deserve you but he has you so he should act like he's receiving a gift...not a wounded puppy.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Cre8ify, did you go through a mid life crisis yourself? 

I am just having a really hard time dealing with mu husbands emotions. It seems as if he is a different person everyday and this has been a drastic change from the man he was before we seperated.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Has he been checked out physically? Blood tests, etc...?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Absolutely, I'm sure I am still in it. The good parts of this time is lots of introspection, evaluation and goal setting...those are all good things. The bad part is lots of missing the targets, resentment and disappointment.

At its core I think what can be destructive about a MLC is if the self interest goes unchecked. I evaluate many things in terms of what's best for me today before couples or kids or any of the stuff that used to be in first place. That's OK as long as I am still supportive of those things that have been in first place.

I call it my mid-life epiphany. It only becomes a crisis if I hurt people around me. Maybe a little discomfort but not pure hurt...sometimes a little anxiety can motivate us to improve...and if I get what I want its all good. How's that for self interest?


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

No he hasnt been check for low testerone levels or anything I cant get him to go get checked out still working on that. Its like he just got tired of taking care of his family and everything that matters most. Half the time he wont even talk.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> I'm just wondering if any men on here has went through a midlife crisis if so how did you feel?
> 
> I'm asking because My husband is always depressed, forgetting things, says he doesn't know how he feels inside about anything.
> 
> Whats the best way to help him to deal with the guilt of leaving his family? He cries a lot, says he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He says that he feels like he can't forgive himself.


he just needs a sports car or a motorcycle


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> he just needs a sports car or a motorcycle


Well he already has all kinds of fun stuff to play with. He has two trucks, a tractor, 4 wheeler, a 10,000 garage separate from our home ( his man cave) it's very nice. So he's not been deprived of anything fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Age can do that............I know I won't handle it well. The finality of life, the glass is half full mentality, realizing your best PHYSICAL years are behind you, unsure of a afterlife and feeling mortal can be a lifelong battle for people after 40.

I know I'm in for it because my whole life I have been very physical and my body is already slowing down (mid 30's) I remember Jach Nicholason saying "I realized the other day I can't run that fxking sucks" he was 67.

I'm gonna shuttup because I'll get myself depressed.


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> I call it my mid-life epiphany. It only becomes a crisis if I hurt people around me. Maybe a little discomfort but not pure hurt...sometimes a little anxiety can motivate us to improve...and if I get what I want its all good. How's that for self interest?


I freely admit that I'm going through mid-life crisis currently. It does (at times) feel more like mid-life epiphany than crisis, although part of this new realization is that of being old and reinventing yourself as an "old person." It's not fun, but I see little choice.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

I really dont understand how a person cannot be happy with all the blessings in their life. I see sooo many sick people on a daily basis who would just love to walk. 

I think that if god has blessed you fully with a family and children a man should not take that for granate. I also feel that if a man falls out of love with his wife for no apparent reason he has destroyed his marriage because he chose to do so. 

I know that men and women have problems but how about letting your spouse help you with your problems instead of shutting them out?

My husband shut me out and totally pulled away.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Whats the best way to help him to deal with the guilt of leaving his family? He cries a lot, *says he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better*. He says that he feels like he can't forgive himself.


I don't know your whole story but that above is a prepackaged phrase; not a good sign.

How's your relationship? Any suspicion of another person in marriage?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> I think that if god has blessed you fully with a family and children a man should not take that for granted. I also feel that if a man falls out of love with his wife for no apparent reason he has destroyed his marriage because he chose to do so.


Not everyone is a glass half full person. One person's blessings are another person's burden. I am not sure the "falling out of love" is such a clear cut choice. Feelings are real and must be dealt with. You can choose what you do with your feelings but sometimes they just sweep over you. I have feelings I would prefer to not have to deal with so my 27 year marriage could coast elegantly into our twilight years. This is where the "work" of staying in a happy, long term relationship comes in.

When men are really hurting they sometimes want to go to the cave. It is not natural for many men to tackle and talk through "feelings". We feel needy and like idiots. Without knowing your story, if he is checked out, you need to help check him back in...even if just baby steps.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Confused42 said:


> He cries a lot, says he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He says that he feels like he can't forgive himself.


This speaks volumes to me. He very well could be having a mid-life crisis, but he is in internal conflict. My estranged husband behaved similarly just *before* he went into his destructive MLC. He still had a conscience and was in conflict with it. It sounds as though you could be dealing with a husband who may be seeing someone else. That very well could be his internal conflict.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Confused42 said:


> *I really dont understand how a person cannot be happy with all the blessings in their life.* I see sooo many sick people on a daily basis who would just love to walk.
> 
> I think that if god has blessed you fully with a family and children a man should not take that for granate. I also feel that if a man falls out of love with his wife for no apparent reason he has destroyed his marriage because he chose to do so.
> 
> ...


You sound as though you are looking at your husband’s life from your point of view. But what makes one person happy (for example yourself), wont necessarily make another person (your husband) happy.


What you need to do is to look at your husband’s life from his point of view. And to do that you will need to understand his situation. To do that you more or less need to walk a mile in his shoes. To do that you need to truly understand what his stressors are (why he is sad and depressed) and where he is in his life wrt where he wanted to be (the differences between his dreams and his realities) and where he wants to be in the future, his aspirations.


Wrt his trucks, tractor, 4 wheeler etc. you at least know now that it takes more than material things for a man to be happy. For example a poor man can be truly happy, a rich man deeply depressed.


I’d guess that your husband has shut you out and withdrawn from you because he sees you as “judgemental” of him. This is indicated in your words “I really don’t understand how a person cannot be happy with all the blessings in their life”. That is very judgemental of your husband and he will withdraw from you as a form of protection.


You obviously want to help him but what can you do? Absolutely number one is never trivialise his emotions and what he’s going through. So drop all your judgements of him, all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”


Number two is to learn how to be empathetic, compassionate and sympathetic (this is how you can become his soul mate). It's like having an emotional affair with him, just make sure it's you he's having it with by being empathetic, compassionate and sympathetic. It's how you close the doors on potential emotional affairs. EAs often start off with "My wife doesn't understand me ....." and the door to the EA partner opened.


Keep those EA doors closed by really understanding your husband. Not only the man he is today but the man he was when you first met him and the man he wants to be in the future. If you are going to do this remember you have one mouth and two ears. Listening (and silences, sometimes very long ones) are important. You have to gain his trust for him to open up to you. Anthony de Mello will help you with these things.



Take a read of Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books and learn how to just observe your husband and yourself without being judgemental. This is how you will get to know who you really both are, it will take a while but improvements can be more or less instant.

See if you can get your husband to read the book. Maybe just leave it lying around so he’ll pick it up. It will help him see himself and he’ll learn that he can get breaks from his negative emotions such that he can be proactive in overcoming them.


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> I know that men and women have problems but how about letting your spouse help you with your problems instead of shutting them out?
> 
> My husband shut me out and totally pulled away.


You may have answered your own question - how do you let your spouse help you when they've shut you out. What if you are (fair or not) part of the problem he / she is having?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> No he hasnt been check for low testerone levels or anything I cant get him to go get checked out still working on that. Its like he just got tired of taking care of his family and everything that matters most. Half the time he wont even talk.


I had the same problem with my H. I finally told him that he needed to get checked out because me and his children need him around. This is how I found out he was scared to go in case something was wrong. Good luck


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

A major portion of my mid life crisis was improving my appearance to the point where it is an obsession. I changed my whole lifestyle by eating healthy and killing it at the gym. I don't have any 'cheat' days and have no desire to slow down at this point.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Just google "male mid-liife crisis"

It is a media invented pile of steaming crap.

It has been used to shame men into a predisposed type of behavior.


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> A major portion of my mid life crisis was improving my appearance to the point where it is an obsession. I changed my whole lifestyle by eating healthy and killing it at the gym. I don't have any 'cheat' days and have no desire to slow down at this point.


Same here - suddenly how I looked became paramount for some reason. I've worked out daily nearly my whole life, but I stepped it up and starting seeing a trainer and watching diet very carefully. I'm pushing 50 and for the first time in my life I have a six-pack and a 13 % body fat reading. I've also began playing a lot more sports after work and no desire to eat junk or skip out at the gym. I guess MLC does this to you - it becomes a challenge to see how far you can push yourself.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

SomeDamagedGoods said:


> Same here - suddenly how I looked became paramount for some reason. I've worked out daily nearly my whole life, but I stepped it up and starting seeing a trainer and watching diet very carefully. I'm pushing 50 and for the first time in my life I have a six-pack and a 13 % body fat reading. I've also began playing a lot more sports after work and no desire to eat junk or skip out at the gym. I guess MLC does this to you - it becomes a challenge to see how far you can push yourself.


When I first went through this, I had to cut out the few bad habits I had and dive in head first. I couldn't half ass it. Some guys get depressed, there's buy a Corvette. But ourcMLC was smarter and cheaper.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> Just google "male mid-liife crisis"
> 
> It is a media invented pile of steaming crap.
> 
> It has been used to shame men into a predisposed type of behavior.


This is so true. Whenever a guy does something different, the pejorative term "male mid-life crisis" gets thrown around.

I started working out and bought a motorcycle in my mid-life. Why? I finally could stop working 60 hours a week and had time to work out. And with the kids out of the house and less strain on the family budget, I could afford a bike (which I had wanted since I was 18).

As for the OP's husband's symptoms about forgetfulness, etc... a good physical will rule out any problems.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Well my hubby and I have been back together for almost two weeks now. Nothing has really changed much he doesnt talk me me about much but we dont really see each other for long. Hes been on the night shift. 

He acts differently around others seems happy. But when he is at home with just us he doesn't. I having a hard time understanding why he came home if he really didnt want to be here. Its just going to devastate us ll over again if he leaves again. 

He cries a lot and sleeps a lot. I feel as if hes mourning another person. However I have never found an OW and he denies their ever being one. 

I struggling during the getting back together faze and wondering if I just need to be patient or if I am doing something wrong. 

I did ask him to get a checkup. He said he would. SO I guess we will wait and see.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Well my hubby and I have been back together for almost two weeks now. Nothing has really changed much he doesnt talk me me about much but we dont really see each other for long. Hes been on the night shift.
> 
> He acts differently around others seems happy. But when he is at home with just us he doesn't. I having a hard time understanding why he came home if he really didnt want to be here. Its just going to devastate us ll over again if he leaves again.
> 
> ...


At one point in my life I did mourn the life I never had and the me I will never be. The worst 3 years of my life. I gave up my dreams and hopes at that point, for what I wanted out of life. 

I learned to shut up because when I told my W what it was I was so depressed about, she got absolutely furious with me. I was to shut up and stop being selfish and blaming her for my unhappiness. Yeah, I got over it, but will never, completely.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

My husband told me that he is a different person around me than others and that i have never really known the true him. 
i asked him why he would do that to himself to have to act like someone else around me. (I mean what was the point and why?)

He says that he doesnt know why but felt like he needed to be someone else. 

He tells me hes not attracted to me anymore and he doesnt know why. Refused to go to marriage counseling or an MD to get checked out. 

My husband has always been a control freak so he has always got to do everything he ever wanted. Spent money on things he loved he hasnt been deprived a thing. If anyone has had to do without in our marriage it has been me. 

I believe he makes stuff up as he goes and he is not truthful his story changes daily.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

A man's MLC isn't always detrimental. He can want to look good for his wife and not to try and attract someone else.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Pretty sure thats not the case here.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

every morning gives us a new day to start over. we can't go back, we can't redo what's done, we move in one direction, forward.
some of us wake up one day and realized we missed the tour bus and all the gusto we had for adventure when young is past. No chance at a major league sports gig. 
But if you drive with your eyes glued to the rear view mirror, you will miss where you are going.
This is all pop psy stuff but it is true. Quit naval staring and find some passion in your life, even some small thing that gives you joy and then grow it. It is Never too late.
I'm 61 and enjoying new challenges every day. Oh, and I'm overweight. So what. I'm working on it but it doesn't need to slow me down. And i can't eat all the spicy foods i once did. So what. Learning all sorts of new things to eat. And life in the bedroom is different from what it was at 20 and 30 and 40 and 50. So what? Like an aging baseball pitcher, I may not be able to throw my fast ball with the same velocity but I make up for it with my experience and give pitches of knowledge over heat.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

This is some really sound advice Maneo that made my day! 

I'm glad you have a positive attitude. :smthumbup:


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