# Hurt, Lost, and waiting......



## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Ok, here goes....

I am a 29 year old man who loves his wife and son, and has now lost them. My W and I have been together for thirteen years, and married for three (we were high school sweethearts). The past few years have been turbulent, and made even more so with the the birth of my son two years ago. We have fallen in and out of love a number of times, had had our fair share of difficulties along the path which we walked together. Two weeks ago I return home to find a note and her wedding ring. The note said in short that we have both been unhappy for a long time and she is tired of being unhappy and is calling it quits. She took my son and went to LA for a week and a half to visit her family. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. She would not take my phone calls, and would only return them every third day or so. She came home this past Sunday night, and asked for a physical separation, and recommended that I move out of the house so as not to disrupt our sons routine any more than necessary. I am on the fence as to how to proceed. Part of me knows that she needs her space, and given some time she may realize that we are going about this the wrong wrong way and ask me to come home. The other part of me is holding on not only to what was, but what could be and is not ready to move past this issue that fast.

A little background is in order I think.

I am the first to admit that I carry the majority of the blame in this deal. I have not been a part of my marriage, and been content to "Go Along for the Ride". I have come to take for granted what I had, and not realize what it was that I truly wanted. I has emotionally detached and am a very poor communicator (it's no wonder she wants out right?). The issues that I have been able to really nail down is that we as a couple never really discussed our problems. We did like most people and dealt with them enough to to move them back to the "Back Burner" for a re-appearance (sometimes spectacularly so) at a later date. She also believes that I do not love my son due to a comment that I made after he was born (Ill-advised comment that came from frustration and many sleepless nights with a new-born), and the fact that I do not take an "Active Enogh" part in his life (bathing, feeding, bed time, etc.). While I see these issues I am still left with the thought that if she had come to me and said "HEY, LISTEN!" I would have. So the fault is two fold right? We went to see a marriage counselor together about six months ago, and went to about six sessions before deciding that neither of us liked the counselor and quit. I thought she would find someone else, and apparently she thought the same, and needless to say we didn't see another. I have since found another, and she agreed to go with me to see him every other week. I am seeing him personally every week, to deal with some of my own demons (which is long overdue anyway).

On to the now...

Last night we sat down and talked (I'm still in the house but sleeping in the guest room), and asked her point blank if there was any chance of a reconciliation. She said that she just didn't know right now, but she didn't think so. She is afraid that if we commit to trying one more time, that things will get better for awhile, and then go right back to where they were before, and we will be no better off for trying, and may dislike each other for it. She also has said those age old hurtful words, "I love you, but I'm not In Love with you any more". It breaks my heart to think that she could throw away everything that we had before for fear of the unknown, but I also understand that the best view of the future is unfortunately the past. She said that she doesn't want to be married to a roommate, she wants to be married to someone who she loves, and loves her. It is the one thing that we agree on. I want to try again, now that I realize my own issues, and am ready to take charge of my actions, I think that we can find the love that we lost. I'm having a hard convincing her that it is one still there, and two worth saving. I don't think living in separate homes will help the situation either. If she wants change (which I'm willing to give her) how will she see it when we're apart?

OK, rant off

I'm sure that I have left some things out, and would really appreciate some feedback. Reading through this forum made me realize that I'm not the only one going through this, and it surprised me how many Men are on the receiving end of this type of situation. Just as a side note, as I'm sure it will be questioned, I am sure there is no other "Man" that she is interested in, she even said that she has no intention of "replacing me" (and I believe her), she just doesn't want to be married to me any more.

Anyway, that's my story, and I'm hurt, lost and waiting.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT move out! If you do, you'll lose nearly all chance of reconciling, PLUS you'll be hurt in custody hearings.

SHE wants the divorce, let HER leave - WITHOUT your son.

You don't have to make divorce easy for her.

And - today - install a keylogger on her computer and check the phone/text records. She is having an affair. The "I love you, but I'm not In Love with you any more" speech means she has found someone else and suddenly, everything you had together was a lie (in her fogged up mind).

Do NOT make this easy! Snoop, find the proof of the affair, and expose it to the other man's wife, and your wife's family and best friends. Tell his wife to stop him if she can. Tell your wife's family and friends that you're fighting to save your marriage and you need their help in talking to her before she makes a worse mistake.

Do NOT move out!


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

As I stated before, there is no one else. She is just very unhappy, and apparently made up her mind a long time ago, and is now implementing the plan to get out.

Last night she told me that she has already filed for a "Legal Separation" with a lawyer, so I guess I'm just waiting to be served with the "Official Papers" now. I agreed to move out of the house, more for my 2 year old son than anything else. If I didn't leave, she would have. I don't believe that he should be uprooted from his surroundings (bedroom, toys, daycare) just because I want to make things difficult. He should not have to bear the brunt of our unhappiness.

I am really lost and don't know what to do. I asked her if there was truly any chance at a reconciliation, and she said that she just didn't know, not right now. We have been together so long, I don't know how to live without her. I don't know how this "Separation Thing" is supposed to work. I am going to continue to see a therapist to work on my issues, and she said that she will be doing the same. She also said the maybe we can can go together at a later date if she sees a change in me. I'm just so scared right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HOW do you know there is no one else? Because she says so, and you know and trust her?


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Yes, because I know and trust her. She feels that this (lack of love, individual happiness, and emotional understanding) has been going on for a long time, and she has been forced to carry the burden alone. Now she says that she doesn't have anything left emotionally for her, let alone me, and she is letting it all go. The problem that I have with all of this is that while I understand that I haven't been there before, I'M HERE NOW. She just doesn't seem to care. She feels that we both need to work on our own issues individually before we can work on our issues as a couple, and she isn't sure at this point if there is anything left to fix in "Us" anymore. I am just so afraid that if I give her the space that she is asking for, and commit myself to me and not us, that we will do nothing but grow further apart.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Surviving an Affair. You'll see that, if your wife IS having an affair, everything you've just described is what you'd get. But the woman you think is your wife is now an 'addict' - addicted to the thrill of sneaking. PLEASE don't throw away your marriage without first at least checking the phone records.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

akay - all I can say is I would have bet my house that my W wasn't having an affair back when she filed for divorce in Oct 09. I would've based this on me "knowing" her and our 15 years of marriage. "She would never throw our lives and our kids into turmoil over another man" I said to myself. Well, guess what? I was wrong.

You might not want to hear it, but I agree with turnera. Keep your son in the center of your life. Your W isn't thinking straight at all. Protect yourself and your rights. Stop blaming yourself for what she is doing. Keep posting and learning from everyone elses situation. This board is a good resource.


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Until I have irrefutable proof I (and I have done some looking) I can't accept an affair as the answer. We have been talking here and there, and I feel like we are making some progress, ,not a lot, but a little, and a little is better than nothing right? I told her that I would not move out of the house. I agreed to spend two nights of the week at my parents to give her a little space without me, and have backed off of all the affection that I was pouring on her (she said that it just felt weird that after all this time not getting it, that it seems like an act). I am continuing my quest to show her that I am capable of the changes that she and I both need for ourselves, as well as our relationship, and am holding out hope that the light of realization and truth will shine through, that I love her, and my family, and am willing to fight for them both if need be.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I got the same "no longer in love with you" speech after 25 years of marriage. My ex-H has never had an affair. In fact, over a month, into the divorce he isn't seeing anyone. I can tell-believe me. 

I'm not going to argue with what these words mean. Yes, there is a probability that many are seeing someone else. But saying that it's 100% at all times is silly (for most anything in life).

I would consider trying to tempt her to get on the same page with you. Even if you have to use...staying for the child. Separate bedroom or sleeping arrangements; reading self-help books together (5 love languauges, etc); good counseling; dating; etc.

If you can get her to stay for the right reasons then do so. But be careful about "chasing" her off....no needy behavior or begging and pleading. State your case with confidence and assure her that you are ready to work. Give her time to think about it (overnight or so). Put the ball in her court.

Remember, you can't make someone want to stay with you. If she ends up leaving, allow her time and space. She may find out that the grass is not greener.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The true key to getting a spouse back is to be EVERYTHING that makes that person happy so they can't wait to be with you. That means you don't Love Bust them, and you meet all their Emotional Needs. Work on finding those out.


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

So a little update....

W and I went out together with friends last night and had some fun "Adult" time. After we got home and got the little man to bed we sat in our bedroom (now her bedroom) and had a long talk. I asked to slow some things down. I asked her for a little time to show her the changes that I am making instead of telling her about them. What is six more months in the grand scheme of things? She seemed to take some time to think about what I was saying, and it seemed to go well. I didn't ask for a response, and am hoping that she will take that as I'm not pushing her towards a confrontation.

For Valentines day (a holiday that we never really celebrated with any gusto before), I got her thirteen roses (one for every year we have been together) and attached a simple note detailing a loving memory from each of those years together. I also purchased her a day spa package for a massage and facial, as I overheard her telling a friend on the phone that she really needs one. I got up this morning with our son early and cooked pancakes for breakfast.

She just left to go to the gym with her brother while I watch our son. I have made reservations for dinner tonight, and she has expressed reluctance to go as "we have nothing to celebrate". I told her that I just wanted to go have a quiet dinner as husband and wife, and this was as good a time as any. I also told her that I didn't want to talk about the current issues, and just go enjoy and evening together.

I guess the true test and answers to my requests will be when the "Separation Papers" arrive and what the next step she decides to take will be. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have no control over her actions, and all I can do is the best that I can do to show her that I really do want this to work. It is very hard......


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Ok, so Valentines day was a bust. Ended up canceling the dinner reservations as she was "Not Feeling Well". I got a very quiet "Thank You, you shouldn't have, I didn't get any thing for you". I said that was OK, I just got for you what I thought you would like, and what you wanted, and left it at that.

One day at a time, man this is hard!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hang in there. It is definitely a tough road.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

akay said:


> Ok, so Valentines day was a bust. Ended up canceling the dinner reservations as she was "Not Feeling Well". I got a very quiet "Thank You, you shouldn't have, I didn't get any thing for you". I said that was OK, I just got for you what I thought you would like, and what you wanted, and left it at that.
> 
> One day at a time, man this is hard!



To turn around a marriage that has been deteriorating for years will take time. She is not ready to accept your efforts to bring the romance back. She may not accept your changes as she has heard it all before. A steady and continued effort from you is what is needed for her to see you are willing to do what is necessary to recover the marriage and happiness. A six month reprieve on the separation would be a great start if she accepts it. She is in effect asking for space but that can be provided while still living a relatively normal life under the same roof. I experienced much of what you have and heard some of the same statements from my wife of 20+ years nearly three years ago. We are still together, still improving our marriage and happier as a couple than we have been in years. Good luck.


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Thanks amp, I have to say reading your story has inspired me to try harder. As far as the requested reprieve went, she is not interested. I am truly fighting an uphill battle on all fronts.  I have recently switched tactics to trying to convince her that a "Legal" action is not necessary. The state that we reside in doesn't recognize a separation, and you have to file for a "Limited Divorce". While the state doesn't recognize a legal separation, it will take into consideration said agreement when and if you file for the Limited Divorce. She has basically told me that the reason she wanted the separation was to give us time apart, and for her to have time without me there to be able to decide if this is what she really wants. She also stated that the reason for actually filing with the court the "Limited Divorce" was so that our son would be protected legally during this time (custody and such). At this time I'm and staying with my parents from Sunday afternoon, until Wednesday evening, to give her the space she needs with out me. When together, and where I can when apart, I am trying to show her the little things that show I care. Of all the self-help books that I have researched and read in the past month, not one has a list of these "Little Things" (this may be my million dollar idea). Things like notes left around, or flowers for no reason, or cooking breakfast before she gets up. At this point it seems like every time we sit down to try and talk about things, she escalates it into an argument (which is not what I want), communication has always been difficult for us as a couple, and this situation has made it even worse. I broached the idea of couples counseling again the other night and she said that me seeing my therapist, and her seeing hers was a lot for one week, and she didn't want to add another therapist into the mix every week. I am still trying to come to terms with the situation, and doing everything I can to reach out to her, but I'm hitting the wall, and I'm running out of ideas. What I wouldn't give to take a five minute stroll through her mind.........


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Again the "Little Things" approach may not work well at this time because of where she is emotionally. I tried things like that too early in our recovery and she saw them as empty hollow efforts to gloss over the problems in the marriage. (No matter how heartfelt they were on my part.) Two references I would suggest are The Five Languages of Love by Chapman. Try and understand what her love language is, it helped me a lot. Also since she is bound and determined to separate try Dobson's Love Must be Tough but be very careful on how far you carry that theory. It could be dangerous. Don't worry about not finding the answers. It takes time to figure out what the right combinations are. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your little things idea is nice, but what if the things you do are not important to her? In fact, what if they annoy her? Try to reach back in memory and remember any comments she made about what she cares about - folding towels, love notes, honey-do list, filling the gas tank...it's the things that make HER feel loved that matter. The other stuff will stack up like overkill.

And if she says she needs space, the last thing you should be doing is talking. Why are you sitting down and trying to talk? Just _be_ right now and let her see who the new you is.


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## Nice Guys Finish Last (Jan 4, 2010)

damn akay, you've tried way more than i have. In my case, i dont have a kid and my wife and I are now living apart. It kills me everyday that we don't even talk. (which is often) I try to call, or leave voicemails, Instant message here and there.......so far its been all me that initiates any contact. (with the exception of IM) all her correspondence has been for a purpose (administrative mostly) 
I am like you in the respect that I do not think she is having an affair. (or am i trying to convince myself that she isn't?) i got the i love you but.... speech too.....

(i have to wonder about this guy she was having an emotional affair with) anyhow, good job on trying things...especially the valentines thing.....in my case i had simply sent flowers and a short note, didn't even ask to go out...maybe space is the best thing i can give right now...even if it does suck.


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## akay (Feb 3, 2010)

Well apparently all of my efforts have been in vain as far as she is concerned. She was not happy with the partial separation that I provided for her (out of the house for 4 days and home together for 3 days). So last Tuesday she took our son and went to her mother and fathers where she has been ever since.

I called last night and told her that I was not "ok" with her taking our son away from me, and that we would have to come to an agreement as to custody immediately and she must bring him home or I would file the custody injunction that I had already had written up. Basically I gave her the choice that she didn't give me (Figuring it out between us or legal action). We do not have the finances to run two households comfortably so I proposed that our son stay with the house and she and I rotate through three days at a time. My first concern is for my son's well being and limiting his exposure to the unpleasantness that has suddenly surrounded him. I feel that the best thing for him is to stay in one place where he is most comfortable. She is going through great pains to place him in the middle of all of this and in turn blaming it on me.

She also said that the only reason that I was contesting the divorce was to drag it out. I told her that the "reason" that I am contesting the divorce is that I don't agree that we have done everything we could do together to fix the problems that we both have, and further more it took two of us to form the contract of marriage, and it will take two of us to break it (or a whole lot of time and unneeded expense for her to do it alone).

I am still hopeful that maybe she will realize just as I have what part she has played in this, and realize that we would be better off together than apart, if not for our own sake, than that of our son. I am taking all of her pain and anger and resentment that she heaps on me and returning it with love and kindness and understanding. I told her that when I told her that I would stand by her through anything, that I meant it, and I am still standing here. Unfortunately I had to get my lawyer back online, and put him on point. I figure it will take at least 2.5 years to sort this out, and hopefully she will have some sort of wake-up call by then...maybe not. Still Hurt, lost and waiting....


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