# New mum (me) vs monster-in-law



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Ok, that was me being kind. Or facetious... 

I have been married 8 years, and the breadth of issues we have dealt with span most of this forum. 

We had a really stressful year in 2015 on a number of fronts. Much of it has passed with the seasons, but there are some residual issues that remain.

I am a new mother, and navigating the terrain of primal instincts, hormones, and.... in-laws. Well, the MIL to put it specifically. 

My MIL is not an evil person. She generally means well and has many good qualities. But she can also be a neurotic mess, and bring a whirlwind of chaos wherever she goes, depending on where her mind is at on that day or occasion. 

I had a baby in September, and she is the doting grandmother. She loves bub. She gets excited when she is going to see him. She gives him lots of kisses and cuddles.

This is basically the disclaimer before I tell you what is really going on...

I am a new mum, and I feel like she has made it her mission to save my son from me. The first time she visited us at home after I got out of hospital, she came up to me and asked how he was going. I said he was good, except that he was being fussy with his feeds today. She put her hand on his head (he was on my breast!) , she put her hand on his head (he is on my breast!) and asked me and said "oh, don't you listen to your mummy! She doesn't know what she's talking about! You're perfect just the way you are!"

In one fell swoop, she did the "gaga slap" and i was basically told (passively) that i had expressed something that i didn't actually say at all. I never said he was imperfect. I was asked a question and answered with a matter of fact. She did that another couple of times, and once in earshot of my husband who told her she was being condescending and could she please not. Then later she came to me to apologise, but with her, an apology is usually another opportunity to make her point. She told me that she had to tell herself that she chose to have her children, and that i need to remember that i chose to have my baby. (Like what was even her point?) But anyway we patched up and things were okay. Or so i thought...

The issues have continued. Whenever she saw him after that, she would take him for a hold, then disappear with him, or go out of earshot from me and whisper all this stuff in his ear and i didn't know what she was saying, and i was kind of freaking out because of the stuff she HAS said to him in ear shot of me. 

Then about a month ago, we were at a restaurant. I had made the mistake of telling her that his weight was low and that i had him on a particular feeding plan, and from that very moment, she was on my case really intensely. Like she would say the same thing to me in a million different ways "oh, he looks hungry. Is he hungry? Is he due for a feed? When was his last feed? Let's go to somewhere where we can do the formula. Where's the nearest cafe? Oh look he's falling asleep, that means he's hungry". I have been so patient with her in our marriage, i have bitten my tongue so many times, and i did my best to show her grace then too....

So from that point she insisted on doing feeds when she was around, so she would just take over and shove the bottle in his mouth and if he fussed she just kept doing it and distressing him and then i would get distressed but felt so shut down in myself like i couldn't say anything and like i was failing at protecting him or something... and a few weeks ago we met at a cafe and she did the 50 questions then did the feed and she wouldn't listen to anything i asked or said. I said he likes being flat when fed, could she please feed him in the pram, i even moved seats so she could be near it, but she had to be right and had to prove she knew his needs better than me, and so she was holding him while standing up and trying to feed him that way and he was crying for several minutes, and she kept shaking the bottle upside down splattering milk everywhere because she thought it was blocked. I told her the bottle was fine, and could she please feed him in the pram and she would not listen to anything. After what seemed like forever, i got up, almost involuntarily, and pulled him from her without warning or even explanation and went for a walk. I felt so angry and i was holding back tears and trembling, i walked and calmed him down and felt bad that i had not taken him sooner.

I know this is all a rant right now, so sorry... i almost lost the point of why i am telling you all this.

But back on track...

So her birthday is coming up and she was wanting us all to come on a cruise with her, and i could not thing of anything worse. I did not want to be stuck on a boat with her for multiple days. So we ended up settling on a domestic trip up the coast (we will have our car and can do our own thing if we want). I am still stressing out though... my husband has no patience for any of this, but in a sense, he had a part in creating these dynamics. For years i wasn't "allowed" to do or say anything, to assert boudnaries, to express my own wishes, when her behaviour was affecting me. But now that i have a baby, i can't hold it in like that anymore, and i can't handle being around her with him. She is such a boundary pusher that i feel, with my instincts telling me, not to give my son to her, but i do anyway and i try to rationalise and say to myself that he has no idea about what's going on with us crazy adults and all our neuroses but i am just having a really hard time navigating the MIL terrain with a +1. 

H and I have trouble discussing it without things getting tense... but we have recently been discussing inviting her to a session with our counsellor. I thought it would be a good way to help facilitate a helpful discussion (with an outside person present) and help set up some boundaries. 

At this point, i feel like trust has been eroding so fast and i feel like i can't trust her at all, even with issues of safety. (She tried to put a pillow in the bassinet when i wasn't looking, after i had told her FIVE TIMES that he needs to be on a baby mattress because of risk of cot death!). I feel like she ****s all over me and my wishes and even issues of safety that i would (at this stage) NEVER leave my son alone with her.

I am wondering if others can relate, and i am wondering what helped you set boundaries and improve your marriage in the midst of this kind of struggle? Also, did you ever have an in-law in a counselling session?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I have a new baby too. Congrats!

How your MIL is acting is completely unacceptable. If your husband will not step in and protect you, then you need to assert boundaries with her. 

She is dangerous to your son (putting a pillow in the bassinet) and she is trying to undermine your mothering in an unhealthy way.

Can you minimize the amount of time you are in contact with her? 

I would look for some books about setting boundaries with manipulative people.

Discuss the issues with your husband. If your husband won't protect you and your son than you need to step up and do so. Be assertive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I just would not go on the trip. Your priority is your own mental wellbeing and the care of your son.

Inviting her to the counselor is a good idea.

Is your mil a widow? Just bored and not feeling worthwhile in herself?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Girl this is what you are allowing her to do to you. What you have to do is to assert yourself. If your husband has an issue with it so be it. You are a mother and your mission is to protect and care for your child. Even if that means going against H's wishes and what MIL wishes.

You let her know she had the opportunity to raise her kids, now you are raising yours and she should allow you to do so. Without her butting in and giving unwanted advice. 

Stop discussing your child with her. Everything is ok when she ask. Don't give her any ammo. 

When she has the baby and is trying to force feed him. You let her know to stop in a firm voice and remove the child from her arms. You are the mother. If she gets upset so be it. 

You are giving her too much power. Ignore her. All that whispering makes her sound a little nuts.:grin2:


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

You really need to grow a set.

Stop letting her push you around.

Be willing to give up the relationship with her if that's what it takes to prevent her from taking over your parenting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And then pick up your baby and walk to another room.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think you should invite her to the counsellor. That's involving her in your marriage...you and your husband should set the boundaries and then enforce them together. She doesn't get any input into said boundaries.

I have huge issues with my inlaws, can't stand them. I ended up cutting them off, hubby sees them (rarely, by his own choice) on his own now. My stepdaughter - their only grandchild - can't stand them either and refuses point black to have anything to do with them. MIL especially is a HUGE boundary pusher. Very intrusive, nosy, critical and overbearing.

I'm no longer welcome in their house until I apologise to her. For what exactly my husband and I don't know, but hey, works for me!


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

My son was born in September, too. Although, I'm lucky that my mother isn't problematic this way, and my MIL lives thousands of miles away and I only had to deal with her for one week (stressful for both my husband and I, but very limited in scope so we're fine). It's hard being a new mother and being undermined by someone who thinks they know better, and acts on their own (outdated) information when you're trying to stick to current safety guidelines. (Actually when we were visiting my husband's family, at least two people with oral herpes sores picked up my son and_ started kissing his face_). And I know that feeling, like you can't say anything but you also have to, and it's your baby and not theirs, and you're responsible for him. It feels awful, and frankly I was sick to my stomach knowing there were words to be had with a few people.

So, on that front, I wonder if your husband would be okay with you suggesting you both take a break from his mother for a bit. Or if that isn't an option, then at least, perhaps, you can restrict feeding him as something only you and your husband do, so that you don't have to deal with that particular stressor the way you are. Yes, you might get some backlash from saying you're going to be the one feeding him, but it won't be any worse that what you're currently dealing with, and it puts you back in control of the situation. 

I know how much help it is, too, to have someone else there just to hold the baby and watch him while you nap, but is there anyone else who can help on that front, other than her? Because if so, I wouldn't let her put him down for naps or anything like that either. I'd simply avoid visiting for long enough for that to be an issue. 

Anyway... I'm not usually much of an avoider, but there's no point in causing conflict when it's simpler to cut down on the time you're spending with someone difficult. No need to cut her off or even say anything to her; just to what you need to do to keep your child safe and to feel comfortable with the situation. 



frusdil said:


> I don't think you should invite her to the counsellor. That's involving her in your marriage...you and your husband should set the boundaries and then enforce them together. She doesn't get any input into said boundaries.


I agree!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Look, this is just the beginning of an older female relative thinking she knows better than you when it comes to parenting. Sometimes she won't, and believe it or not, sometimes she actually will. 

You can't change her, so change yourself. Make it a point to not share negative aspects of parenting with her so she has less ammo. Don't tell her about low weight/feeding issues/fussiness. Just tell her his latest positive milestones. As far as the feed in the cafe, you did the right thing there. 

Going on a road trip with a 5/6 month old is not my idea of fun, so I think you have every reason in the world to back out of that.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I don't think you should invite her to the counsellor. That's involving her in your marriage...you and your husband should set the boundaries and then enforce them together. She doesn't get any input into said boundaries.


This ^^^^ x 100000000

Please listen to @frusdil.

She is a third party in your marriage. Clearly she cannot let her son go, and he has trouble enforcing boundaries, probably due to character and years of manipulation. 
Under no circumstances should she be involved with ANYTHING having to do with your marriage. I really cannot emphasize this enough. My MIL tried to position herself this way at the beginning of our marriage and luckily a friend identified the problem for me. We are all easily manipulated by these kinds of MILs. We want to please our husbands, be respectful to elders, etc. and they capitalize on that in order to involve themselves in things which are none of their business, mainly because these women have no lives of their own.

No, your MIL is not a nice person. She is slowly trying to ruin your marriage and replace you. In her skewed view, she is number 1 (or should be) with respect to your H and soon, she'll want that to hold for your child as well.

Cut her off until your H can accept some boundaries. Forget about the trip. She needs to get a life and stop vampirising (is that even a word?) yours. Don't hesitate. Let your H get upset. Why should you be the doormat?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Going on a road trip with a 5/6 month old is not my idea of fun, so I think you have every reason in the world to back out of that.


Going on a road trip with my MIL is my idea of he1l on earth, lol! Give me the 5/6 month old any day, rofl!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

People laugh when I say if I could have kept my MIL in the divorce I would have. I would also have kept one of her aunts and her husband. The rest were a very mixed lot. 

Have you and your husband discussed this women in session? What is your FIL like ? If there are other married children what is her relationship like with there spouses? 

At the very least, some of her actions are beyond the pale. Don't back down.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Oh, by the way "I was only trying to help" does not cut it.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Congratulations on the new baby, so hard the first one, I remember feeling overwhelmed and afraid I would do something wrong but that mothering instinct kicks in and most of us make it through just fine. 

You have already received here excellent advice, I also agree she doesn't come to see your counsellor, she needs her own. You need to avoid contact, don't meet her places and when she wants to come over say you have other plans. It is your right as the baby's mother. Let her come only when your husband is home so he can get a load of what she is doing to undermine you and your child's welfare. Never speak to her about pediatric visits, baby is "always doing perfectly well" should be your answer. 

Don't go on the road trip, she should celebrate with her friends and not drag a baby into it. Adult birthday parties are no place for babies. Let your husband go if he really wants to.

Be strong, take charge and deal with your husband's attitude. If he won't stand up for you, you need to stand up for yourself.

Good luck.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

It is very difficult when we've been conditioned not to set boundaries, express our concerns and voice our opinions, to suddenly be in a position where we feel like WE HAVE to do that, and yet somehow still can't. It's the too-nice syndrome. You've been conditioned and expected to be nice all of the time...now you have a child and feel like your MIL is possibly harmful to your son. (Not to mention to your own mental well-being).

Great advice from other posters, I agree you should not allow her into your personal counselling session because that's for your MARRIAGE and she's not part of your marital unit...don't let her into it.

I think you have a lot of pent up anger against her and it's getting impossible to hide it. Have you thought about learning how to set boundaries and express your wishes without aggression? (This is a skill I was never taught and am trying to learn now, at age 31 with a 3 yr old toddler, a soon to be ex-husband and in laws that I have EXTREME pent-up anger towards). And get your husband on board too.

You certainly don't have to go on a cruise if you don't want to!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You married a weak man.

There is only one solution to this problem. Either you or your husband has to (gasp!) risk telling her something she does not want to hear.

You are both too afraid to rock the boat with her so you are living in misery.

You has a parents of a child need to grow up and have expectations of people who you allow in your life and your child's life. Reasonable people will happily tolerate reasonable expectations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some articles you can print out for your husband to use, to tell his mom to back off:
How to Nicely Tell Your Mom to Back Off | LIVESTRONG.COM
Inappropriate, Old-Fashioned Parents Cause Fights in Marriage | hitched


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses so far.

I will respond more fully a bit later when i am at a PC, but wanted to clarify my idea about having MIL in on one of our counselling sessions... 

I have tried every which way to talk to my H about the issue. He does agree that his mum is full on and a constant boundary pusher, but is cagey and overwhelmed by the idea of confronting her or even at the idea of me saying what I need and want to say. He has marginally improved over the last several months in that he is starting to speak up when he can see her overstepping certain lines or is ok for me to say things but it's all very new..

I know I should say to hell with it and do and say what I need to and make boundaries that suit myself because I can't depend on H.

I know he is not doing and saying what he should.

I am not trying to make excuses, but just trying to outline that this dynamic for him has been going on since he can remember, that he is expected to be the keeper of false peace in his family, and he has been broken down psychologically into this state.

Again, I am not trying to defend hin, but to bring this back to the idea of having MIL in a session with us... It's not to involve her in our marriage or get her input, it's to have the conversation with her that I have been urging H to have with her for a long time but that he has been unable and unwilling to have in full. It is not to seek her advice as a stakeholder in our marriage, but to have a facilitated conversation with the support of our counsellor as a mediator and set boundaries. 

Yes I know my H should man up and should have done a long time ago, and I should ignore his baggage and go on right ahead and shut her out of my life until she gets the message, but sometimes there is a way it can be done that may be more effective and help us have a united front in this situation.

The idea is just one of many at this stage. Our counsellor is soneo e we have known for years, sjebhas helped us tbrouh some real bumps in the road and is very tactful at facilitating communication. At yhud point, we ate just working with her and talking through all of this so will see what seems most viable...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't have a problem with you taking her - assuming she'll go. IF she is capable of introspection and has half a heart, she may feel hurt but will also feel bad that she pushed you to have to resort to this.

However...

She will most likely be offended even at the thought, and is likely to start a full-out war with you. She will see this as YOUR problem, not her son's. She'll automatically assume you DROVE him to this, that you are a heartless b*tch and she'll make it her life's mission to rescue him from you.

Just remember, we ALL naturally assume we are right and others are wrong, she will be no exception.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> I don't have a problem with you taking her - assuming she'll go. IF she is capable of introspection and has half a heart, she may feel hurt but will also feel bad that she pushed you to have to resort to this.
> 
> However...
> 
> ...


^^This.

My MIL has a history of behaving the way she does. She treated my husbands first wife the way she treats me. They went to counselling and made the mistake of involving her, and it was a complete waste of time. She was very defensive, completely blameless and it was all my husbands ex wife's fault. It made no difference at all.

Their biggest mistake was involving her at all. 

In our situation, my husband is the same as yours - unable to stand up to them. So, I make the boundaries, and he enforces them with his family. I don't care how he does it, I don't care if they like it or not, it just is what it is. The boundaries are their consequences for THEIR appalling behaviour, and I make no apologies for them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The person here who REALLY needs therapy is your husband. To get to the root of why he is terrified of her judgment and disapproval, and to learn how to work past it and do what HE wants, not what his mommy wants.


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