# hurt husband in Ohio



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Here's my story: 42 years old, married 11 years to wife age 38. We have 2 daughter: 8 and 4. We both work. I travel periodically for work. Wife runs her own company, small but time consuming and at times stressful. She has several employees. 
I am very active, heatlhy and she has started seeing a personal trainer (boxer) and got me into the sport of boxing as well. I had thought until recently that my life was just awesome: no money worries, good kids, happy home life, decent career, etc. My wife and I have had some intimacy issues recently, and she said that she thinks I kiss her differntly than I used to. My touch feels differently to her. When this came up I'd try and kiss her, but she'd complain it was too wet or something. But when I remember our passionate kisses, we'd wet our lips and rubs them back and forth on each others' lips, I'd gently bite her lower lip. Now, she says that she doesn't like that. So I am confused about her change in perception over recent months or even years. 
Sex had become very structured. I'd have to ask and ask and she'd finally agree, but we'd undress, grab a towel and lube and go into our guest bedroom. She'd lube me, crawl into bed on her belly and we would have intercourse. We both would orgasm. She said that the orgasm is good relief and feels good. But there was little foreplay and when I'd kiss her or her breasts, she'd allow it only for a minute and push me to get onto the sex. I'd joke that she was like the guy - wanting to get to the sex whereas I wanted at least a little foreplay, kiss her feet/toes or whatever. She said that she likes the orgasm but that she just wanted to finish. I was actually alright with this, figuring she just was not a big touching kind of person.
Anyhow, we'd have various issues but nothing that ever made me feel she was really unhappy. I have a lot of frustration over our limited sex over the years and feel this has effected how I treat her. Once a week would have been great and when I hear of people having daily sex I just felt so bummed.
Recent issue (DDay?) came about Tuesday, August 14th. She had gone back to her high school reunion out of state in mid-July. One day while sitting outside she was leaving over, elboys on her knees saying she was in a real funk. She was just really struggling over "us" and tore up over the idea of us not being together! *BOMB!* I had NEVER thought it was ever that bad. I told her I was really sad to hear that. Later that night and over the next few nights, she revealed how angry she was. It was just tearful anger. She said that she was tore up that she was hurting me, but that she had lived her whole life in our relationship looking out for me and our girls and she was just finally tired of it. She felt I had no appreciation or respect for all she did. She brought up issues from years before! She had a hip reconstruxtion surgery and had long recovery. I tried to be supportive but would joke that she was "milking it" and making me do stuff and using the surgery as an excuse. I told her I was joking but she felt otherwise and was deeply hurt by my comments.
She lost her father unexpectedly 4 years ago (died of heart attack early 60's) and had said that he always told her and her sister that he wanted them to go to school and be able to support themselves so as to not get trapped into a bad marriage. She was business partners with her dad.
She is far from being in a bad marriage and admits that she is not saying that she is, but feels she is trapped in many ways: she has a career that is too stressful for her personality, in marriage that is one-sided, raising 2 emotional girls. She has always been very fun loving and free-spirited but she feels her life with me has drained that.
I poured my heart out to her each night: I love her, admit I have obviously taken her for granted, I cannot imagine ever being without her. 
I agreed to seek counseling for my anger issues. I have a temper and have snapped at her: worse if I swear at her (F__ word especially). She has stated clearly that she HATES it when I drop the F-bomb on her and I apologize and promise to try and stop it.
I had been sleepless for almost a week. She seems to have constant contact with her cell phone and had recently had a reputation for never answering her cell phone after work or even having it near her. It was often left in her car. Now she sleeps with it, texts when we're in the car, etc. She always find reasons to go outside, sometimes for an hour. She has lots of work calls at various times and can always say she has a work call. 
A week after D-day I got suspicious of there being someone else. I checked e-mail on her Ipad and found e-mails to a guy that had been at her reunion. It mentioned that when he put his hand on her back, that she felt her tummy do flip-flops like she was 17. She also said things like she did not want him to do anything that would make him want to leave his wife. He replied, apparently joking that he's considered it (sex?? kiss??) and she even replied back via e-mail "Considered?!" like she was excited that he seemed to have mutual attraction for her. In another e-mail she said that he should delete all of her text messages from her to him so his wife won't find them. 
One night I said that it feels like she has feelings for someone else - I did not want to admit reading her e-mails becaue I felt it was a breach of trust and I did not really want to. She said asked who I thought she had feelings for. I said I did not know but my gut feeling is that she has feelings for someone. She admitted his name (as I already knew from the e-mails) and that she had indeed spoken with him a lot while out of town because he and his wife were going through problems and were working to repair their marriage. But she insisted that was all. 
However, I did not ask if she talked to anyone about our marriage, I asked if she was having feelings about anyhow and she talk about HIM!
She will text a lot of the friends from out of state and even has told me of his texting her as well, so she is not really hiding it, but again I am not sure she is telling me about everything and she does not know that I read her e-mails to him in which she expresses attraction. She also sent him pics of our home, a pic of her with our younger daughter, a pic of her in a new outfit. All it all it seems fairly innocent but I am afraid. 
And I had not ever heard of his name before and so it seems he was someone she knew who paid her some attention and she is now possibly having an EA.
She has 2 very close girfriends there,one of which wants her to come back out for the weekend. She said that she really wants to go and based on some things I am reading about allowing her to have some space, I told her I would not stop her. I also just said that I am afraid of it too only because I know I will miss her. She wants to go for 5 days! She would be staying with her girlfriend who does not live far from this guy.
I have been in a real tailspin ever since D-day. I am just tortured. Sometimes it seems she is really apologetic, she will hug me and tell me she's sorry for putting me through this. I said that it's okay, and that we cannot live like this and that we will work on it, be stronger together. 
She started seeing a counselor too but says she wants to figure out where "her head is" before going to any marriage/couples counseling. 
We had sex last week that she initiated, and it was different in that we made out, and I gave her oral which she would not usually like me to do if I tried. When I did try she would lock her legs together, giggle and push me away. I stopped trying to give her oral until last week. I *loved *doing it and she had orgasm. Then we had missionary position sex which is also different as we usually did it with her lying on belly on edge of the bed. After sex I said that was a real fantasy come true and that since she admitted her feeling I was feeling so much sex attraction towards her. I always found her pretty but since she getting into shape, losing weight, she is stunning. It is my worse irony, I encourage her so much to work out, get into shape after having 2 kids. Now she is and marriage is in trouble. 
I thought we were on road to good marriage health after sex- thinking it was a breakthrough of sorts, but next day she put another dagger in my heart. She said that she was sad that she did not feel passion for me, that sex was good for orgasm but that it was like having it with a stranger?!?!?! She always will tell me not to read too much into what she's saying, that she sees me as a friend, almost like a roommate - but no passionate. You know, the typical, I love you but I am not IN love with you. It KILLS me to hear this. She now says that she has felt this way for a long time, and part of her now wishes she didn't say anything because now that she has, it is more real. but she also feels that if she did not that she would become more angry.
She now even talks of wanting to move back to where she grew up out of state. I said I'd do so if we were having good marriage and I was confident we would be together. We agree that a move would not even be possible for maybe a year, year and a half and so by then we should know much more where we stand.
Tomorrow I am going for my 3rd counseling session. My wife sees her counselor on Tuesdays. Since my D-day she has not really expressed any true hopes in repairing marriage. Yesterday we did have have some words in the mall while daughters went to restroom. I said that I am in a crisis mode. She said she knows, that she was that way with me for a long time, that she would always try and watch me for any signs of being unhappy and try and be there, fix it however she could. I said that now the tables are turned, I am fixated on her and hate that she is in pain. I just say I am truly sorry if I have been such a jerk. she said that we need to just get back on the same page! I said "Yes" and smiled at her because it was the most optmistic I had felt since D-day but the anxiety still returns.
She has also admitted that she has tried talking to me over the last few years but that I either do not listen (I admit) or nothing changes. I tell her I had never heard her express in any way she was evern considering a divorce or anything and that it has wrecked me. I now try and do as much around the house as I can: laundry, dishes, etc. I tell her I know I cannot change where her heart is but at least I can make her life a little easier. She said that she has noticed and appreciates it. 
I feel confident at times. But during relaxed conversations, she seems to deflate any optimism. I think I am indeed reading way too much into everything at times, but then again think I know marriage is in HUGE trouble. She ever said last Friday that she cannot see a valid way forward: neither divorce nor staying together seems legitimate. I stress that we have not even tried to truly work together on marriage and I am now aware of how she feels and want nothing more than to have her by my side for ever. 
Some other things to consider: she had dreams about her father, one seemed to spark everything, that he was talking to him on phone. He was telling her how proud he was of her, that he likes our new home (we just moved into big new home a year ago!) but that he could tell she was not happy. That really got to her. Then last week she had a really scary dream. We were in bed in her dream and she looked over at me and my eyes were wide open but expressionless and no sign of life in my face. Suddenly my face morphed into her fathers! He said to her "Don't you listen to what I told you!?!" She was really disturned by this. She talked to her girlfriend out of state who did not read too much into it. She is afraid that it is her father telling her to Divorce. But she admits that it was not be that. I told her that this was weird because it was ME morphing into her DAD. Perhaps she is afraid that our marriage is turning into her parents' marriage. She said her dad was mean to her mom and she begged her mom as a child to divorce her dad. 
I tell her that we need time, that we will get through this and be stronger for it. She always says "I am not running away. I am here. I just need to figure out where my head is." - so of course I take that as the truth.
Talking to her about issues always makes me feel better but also get sad because there is not yet any progress towards resolution one way or the other. I am ready to listen to responses to my story.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Hang in the Saddad. With children so young,you obviously need to go easy in trying to save your marriage. Some of the members here who have managed to reconcile their family issues will be along to offer some helpful suggestions.
Good Luck.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Looking through a lot of posts and the two things that seem to come up a lot that trigger the start of the downward spiral, the not in love with you phase, are birth of children and deaths of parents/grandparents.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not sure individual counseling is going to help this situation. Unless she is on board with trying to save the marriage, she's likely only to work on HER issues while not having you both work together.

I'd push for marriage counseling.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

My wife had commented that we'll "give it a few months" (of separate individual counseling) and see where we're at. She said it almost while shrugging as opposed to making a real plan about it.
I wonder if I should be patient for a month or two and then push for couples counseling. My own counselor seemed a little surprised that she did not yet have interest in our both going in.
She tells me about her counseling sessions (only 2 so far) and that she needs someone to tell her straight about how she's feeling.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

180 time. Let her go. She's gone. Work on you for you and your girls. 

Let her go.

Sorry. 

Oh, and PS: she needs to know that YOU know she's planning on seeing her new boyfriend A LOT while she's back home with her "girlfriend" for 5 days. You need to let her know it's unacceptable in your marriage. Tell her she can go (she's gone anyhow, after all), but you feel obligated to let OM's wife know what you do and to let her know to keep an eye on her man while she's in town. You'd let her go on a 5 day sexfest with a strange man just because you don't want her to know you snooped? Just let her know you noticed all of the red flags of an affair (protecting her phone with her life, ILYBINILWY so soon after a school reunion) and had to look. You were protecting your marriage, and thank god you did.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Not entirely clear but I see signs of both neglect and nice guy syndrome in this post. OP doesn't seem to really know what he did except not give her more credit for keeping the home and kids taken care of. My guess there's a lot more than that he was doing/not doing wrong.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

MrK - I appreciate the approach, but honestly it feels a bit harsh. the real irony is that she had recently (within last year) told me that she loves me so much that she'd "do a 180" for me! I was also with her girlfriend since I had ironically had to go there for my work and drop down and visited. Her girlfriend was at our wedding. when I told my wife that I was worried she'd be talking to her friends about our marriage, that they'd just want her to feel better by encouraging divorce. She said that she's only talk to the one friend, who "loves me". Her friend is married and we had vacationed together a few years ago and generally consider our families friends. I do not believe her friend knows of any crush or EA with the guy. She friend is a little religious and would not encourage divorce in my opinion. 
I do think there may be some wisdom in telling wife "Hey I read your e-mails and I know you have the hots for this guy so stop pretending! If he is who you want, pack up and go be with him, assumiung of course he leaves his own wife and their young children!" Perhaps I admit of the e-mails and just tell her straight out, when you go there, make your decision and quit dragging this nightmare out.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Drover said:


> My guess there's a lot more than that he was doing/not doing wrong.


Doesn't matter at this point what caused her to leave. She has left. He needs to deal with it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this is the typical affair script

she wants space and time, not to work on the marriage or find herself, but to try out her new affair partner and keep you as the back up plan

You can fight all you want and be the best husband you can be but you will only spin your wheels unless her affair stops sompletely and goes No contact

people engaged in an affair will exaggerate and/or rewrite marital history to justify their betrayal, they will even vilify their spouse 

I suggest you ask a mod to move into the CWI forum as you will find more people in similar situations, also read the welcome newbies link in my signature


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your biggest mistake will be thinking they will not get together during those 5 days. That snooping was the greatest thing you ever did for yourself or your marriage. Embrace it, don't be ashamed of it or scared of it.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Drover, it is hard to list all here, but I have had 3 DUI arrests and so I struggle with that. When my wife and I met we were partiers. My first 2 DUI's came before we met and third was while dating. It was hard on us and I had about 8 years of sobriety before having one relapse that she discoverd that July that promted me to sober up again. I had not had any recent cravings for drink and have been open with counselor about the drinking issues.
Wife misses being able to have fun together and party. I also had turned to porn quite a bit and think I indeed "shut down" on relationship, like she seems to think she did also.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

When she calls it a "bad marriage" what issues does she cite? What does she complain about on a regular basis?


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MrK said:


> 180 time. Let her go. She's gone. Work on you for you and your girls.
> 
> Let her go.
> 
> ...


I have to think that MrK is right here. 

Sad to say but I think you'll be back here saying how your W admitted to a PA with OM during the 5 day trip.

It's your life. Believe what you want and act however you want.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Drover said:


> When she calls it a "bad marriage" what issues does she cite? What does she complain about on a regular basis?


She has not really said "bad marriage" but she said that when she was venting with friends, that she said that she had a stressful job, emotional daughters that can drive her nuts and "a husband who treats her like ****". There's a ton of mindless stuff that just adds up. She said that the "straw that broke the camel's back came after she came back from out of state. She talked to me about some work stuff stressing her out. I have a tendency to "glaze over" when she is talking and she could tell when I did and would laugh and tell me to pay attention. I think I was making eye contact but also watching TV and distracted and simply forgot what she was saying! At bed I asked her "How'd work go? Did you work out". She furiously asked "Are you kidding me!? I just spent the last hour telling you!" she was really pissed and I felt horrible for just not paying attention.
She also complain that I'd spent hours away from home, long bike rides or whatever, and as soon as I get home, I am *****ing about stuff, yelling at our daughters, etc.
it's all true and I tell her that our issues now truly start with me and I just never thought it was as bad as her wanting to leave. She said her counselor even joked with her about it, that men just aren't good listeners.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> She has not really said "bad marriage" but she said that when she was venting with friends, that she said that she had a stressful job, emotional daughters that can drive her nuts and "a husband who treats her like ****". There's a ton of mindless stuff that just adds up. She said that the "straw that broke the camel's back came after she came back from out of state.


affairs take place in the wonderful land of unicorns, rainbows, puppies and lollipops

IOW, it's all fantasy, so of course she wants that life, you and I know it is not indeed the reality and eventually it come down crashing on her. Her brain is flooded with endorphins of the new affair and she is in what we call a "fog".


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> and "a husband who treats her like ****".


In what ways other than not listening?



> I have a tendency to "glaze over" when she is talking


This a a big deal. She found a guy who will listen to her (or at least pretend to). That's probably what this is about. You show her you don't care by not listening. He shows her he does care by listening.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I understand, but can honestly say that if the affair prompted guilt, change in her and she wanted to repair marriage, I would. I think we could withstand that. Also, trying to stop her from leaving could backfire. I read a lot of spouses trying to hard to hold off, but only inadvertently push spouse away. I think I am in the mindset that she needs to go and figure it out. When we talked about the other guy, she said that he is the one who encouraged her to tell me how she was feeling. She made it seem like he is working on his marriage and that she needed to be open with me. I think could simply have had a little bit of a crush on him. He has not been aggresively pursuing her to my knowledge either. But who knows. The feedback gives me something to think about but I am not in an aggressive mindset yet.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Let her go. Sounds like you've treated her like real crap during your marriage. Get counseling for your anger issues. I think you've screwed this up beyond repair. Verbal abuse tends to kill a person's love over time.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

BTW I mentioned to my own counselor about reading these e-mails and just feeling like having hot water dumped on my head. I suspect an EA and asked him if I should confront her. He stated that he did not think it was a good idea. I will discuss her interest in a return trip there tomorrow of course.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> She admitted his name (as I already knew from the e-mails) and that she had indeed spoken with him a lot while out of town because he and his wife were going through problems and were working to repair their marriage. But she insisted that was all.


I'll bet the OM's wife would be somewhat interested to hear that:

A - Her husband has been secretly communicating with a woman about their marriage problems.

B - That woman is coming to town again for 5 days, even after having just been there 2 months ago.

Tell your wife you will contact her. There has been WAY too much secrecy here to be anything less than WAY inappropriate, at best. If it's all on the up-and-up, full disclosure shouldn't be a problem.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> She seems to have constant contact with her cell phone and had recently had a reputation for never answering her cell phone after work or even having it near her. It was often left in her car. Now she sleeps with it, texts when we're in the car, etc. She always find reasons to go outside, sometimes for an hour. She has lots of work calls at various times and can always say she has a work call.
> 
> I checked e-mail on her Ipad and found e-mails to a guy that had been at her reunion. It mentioned that when he put his hand on her back, that she felt her tummy do flip-flops like she was 17. She also said things like she did not want him to do anything that would make him want to leave his wife. He replied, apparently joking that he's considered it (sex?? kiss??) and she even replied back via e-mail "Considered?!" like she was excited that he seemed to have mutual attraction for her. In another e-mail she said that he should delete all of her text messages from her to him so his wife won't find them.


Do you have access to her phone? If not, buy her a new Iphone and set it up so you can monitor her communications. Back up her (new) phone on your computer. When you see her world your eyes will open for the first time.

However, don't take any action whatsoever with all that you learn until you are 100% sure of your plan. Above all, don't make things worse, she is more than capable of doing that on her own. Dial back your emotional involvement to close to nothing and only communicate about mutual business in a businesslike way. Attend counseling on your own and extend an invitation to her to attend couple counseling.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

MrK - My wife admitted that the guy was told not to contact my wife by his wife! So I pointed out to my wife, Why would she not want you talking to him?? where's the threat? My wife explained that the other wife is simply insecure in the relationship and doesn't want them talking or meeting with one another. 
But I think it's worth considering and have laready found their home phone #. I could call sometime and tell her when she answers that I am her husnand and warn her to keep close eye on her husband since she is coming to town.
This is simply exhausting and I'm getting Zero work done since starting this thread. It's been hell for me, and for my wife as well since 8/14.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I can access her work e-mails. She is self employed and any e-mail activity on her iPad or our home computer I can access. Her cell phone is work issued and I cannot access any records. She used to never use it for texting. Now it's constant and she deletes all texts. I considered tell her that I would agree to allow her to go out of state, but that I suspect she is planning a rendevous with him and wonder if she'd agree to order her texting records and let me read them!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's what you should do imo

if she has an iphone (since she has ipad also) and she backs up her iphone to itunes on a computer (if she uses icloud you are out of luck) then you can retrieve deleted text messages

this will give the smoking gun and info on their meeting up, copy this info and then find OM's wife and send it to her. This will help destroy the affair and honestly she also deserves to know. 


if she has an iphone let us know and I'll give you instructions on how to get to the texts


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Sadly no iPhones.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what kind of phone then?


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I think it's a Samsung but don't know what model. It's older.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

older models usually have a sim card, you can get a sim carder for around $25 that can retrieve the texts

even if you cant get to them, you still need to contact OMW and let her know


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Without coming right out and confronting her, I think you should tell her that a trip right now, with the marriage in the state it is, is not a smart thing to do. Rather, marriage counseling immediately is necessary.

You can explain that it is necessary for her to hear you explain what you have done wrong in the marriage and have a marriage counselor guide the conversation between the two of you.

And this crap about OM's wife being "insecure" BS!

How about this... "Hey honey, I decided to have someone take care of the kids and I'm coming with you on the trip. It will be a nice way to reconnect." See what happens then.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> She used to never use it for texting. Now it's constant and she deletes all texts.


She doesn't go on that trip. And if she does, you cue in the OM's wife.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Chris, thanks. I like that idea very much. I did suggest it was early, but decided given her freedom was wiser. We are supposed to talk tonight, but recent news: older daughter fell on bike Saturday, wife took her to get x-ray and it's broken. I doubt wife takes trip and I can use her injury as another reason to wait until marriage is on more stable footing before any trips. She had expressed doubt as well but said she wanted to get away from the stress of our going through this. She also said that she wasn't sure she would go since I didn't seem to want her to.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> I can access her work e-mails. She is self employed and any e-mail activity on her iPad or our home computer I can access. Her cell phone is work issued and I cannot access any records. She used to never use it for texting. * Now it's constant and she deletes all texts.* I considered tell her that I would agree to allow her to go out of state, but that I suspect she is planning a rendevous with him and wonder if she'd agree to order her texting records and let me read them!


I'm suspicious of anyone who deletes all their texts. Does she say why she does this? I would also stay away from voicing suspicions and stick with direct statements like "I don't want you texting this guy, seeing this guy, calling this guy or having any contact with this guy unless I'm with you. I think it makes you look bad, it makes me look bad and it makes me feel uncomfortable."


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I only ever looked at her cell phone a couple times over the years. I used to see her cell phone buzzing with a text and yell at her about it. She'd say to see who it is and sometimes to have me reply to them, like if a friend was asking what we were doing over the weekend or something. She has not explained deleting her texts. But once she left it out to shower and I looked and it had no in-box texts, no sent and no deleted texts! I usually have 40-50 and periodically delete them all. 
I think when we talk next I am going to say that her texting is a constant worry on my mind and that if she intends to have any chance on saving our marriage, as I pray she does, she just needs to cut out the secrecy with the texting or calling, leaving the house and hiding out to talk or text without telling me, and to just decide to come to couples counseling with me. She uses the fact that she smokes and wants to hide it from the kids as an excuse as to why she goes outside.
I know she will say that her counselor agrees she needs to figure herself out first. That's fine, but I am going to push more on that and tell her that next month after the first 4-5 visits, we need to get in together.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> I think when we talk next I am going to say that her texting is a constant worry on my mind and that if she intends to have any chance on saving our marriage, as I pray she does, she just needs to cut out the secrecy with the texting or calling, leaving the house and hiding out to talk or text without telling me, and to just decide to come to couples counseling with me.


Sounds a little accusatory and a little dramatic. Maybe you could just say that you don't like it when she is texts people you don't know. I ask my wife directly who she is corresponding with. I also check her phone


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

wife agreed to couples counseling and her counselor wanted to meet with me a couple times before we both go in. I went Tuesday and will go today and we'll start couples counseling next week. She went Tuesday as well but had an earlier session. Once I got home we chatted about the counselor. I like him as does she. We talked about the session and it was enjoyable to talk to her about our couneling. She said "He said that what we're going through is normal." I was relieved that she seemed relieved. I said that from what I have read, people don't always have the tools to be in a good marriage and that if we both work hard at it, counselor says relationship can be better than good, but can be "better than you can conceive!"
My wife seems to be a little less angry at me and we try and talk regularly. I still have suspicions about her old friend and expressed same last night. She just says that she has never given me a reason to suspect her of being unfaithful and never will. I told her I believe her and am looking forward to our work in counseling. she said that she hopes we do not spend too much time dredging up bad feelings, but can focus on what we need to do to get back on good footing. So I am optimistic. She is back out of state and I do think she may meet or talk to her friend, but I am learnign it is best to not try and control this (I could not if I wanted) and so I will just move forward and work on myself, my thoughts, being a good dad and keep an optimistic, open mind about my future with me wife. Please wish me, us, the best.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

SadDad
So far sounds like your counselor is a good one
If that is true then you should follow his guidance. You have already stated a very important statement. You said 

“I will just move forward and work on myself, my thoughts, being a good dad…”

*That is by far the best thing for you to do. Your wife is a completely independent person with her own free will and you cannot control her. I am sure you know that by now.*


I hope your wife listens to the counselor and realizes that her excitement with the OM is very dangerous and is bait to enter into the fantasy world that winds up in serious pain.

You did not treat your wife as you should have but you can do much better now.
I hope your wife gets the right help and sees the reality of the future. I hope your counselor points out that this Om will never have the love and dedication to your children like you do. The OM is having trouble in his marriage and it can not be all the fault of the OM’s wife.

"He said that what we're going through is normal."

Yes your situation is very common. However, neither one of you have committed the deepest cuts to a marriage that will do permanent damage. I hope that you both will see into the future enough to see that it is far better for you both to go through the pain that it takes to get you both back into a positive marriage. 

I work with families and some of the families involve mothers that have left their husbands with faults that were like yours. These women found out after a year or two that their exciting man had some faults also. *The excitement dies down rather quickly and the woman finds that her new man does not love her children like their father does in most cases. She also finds reality and that the om does not fulfill her fantasies.*

If you both use your free wills to make the marriage work and do what a good counselor leads you to do, you have a great chance at saving your marriage.


----------



## Hira (Aug 16, 2012)

So lengthy post and I think you should concise it to one para, but in a crux I am feeling that she may be interested in someone else.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I wish you luck sad Dad. 

From everything I've ever known about women...when they say they're done they are usually done. It comes as a shock to us because it's usually the first we're hearing of it, the little signs throughout the years never truly trigger anything for us. But by the time they reveal "we're just roomates" or ILYBNILWY it's been over for years in their mind.

I truly hope you guys do work this out especially since you have young kids. But in the interest of trying to give the best encouragment and advice that I can (which is not necessarily what you want to here) you have to work on yourself and be ready for a split. Everything she has said and done is showing you it's over. She's not even trying to hide the "friend" she has an attraction to. I think she wants the marriage to end.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Not that it changes what I am going to do about working on me, but the problem for me with my wife's attraction and communication with the OM is that it has not been, to my knowledge, disclosed to our counselor. She sticks with the "we're just friends" story but also states that OM was close in high school and she had leaned on him for emotional support when her close boyfriend in high school cheated on her and got another girl pregnant. what she says to me does not jive with what she texts to him. I hope it is a matter of having fun with the attraction between them but also fear she is setting the stage to relocate back to her hometown and eventually enter a relationship with the OM! 
Again, we have yet to even start couples therapy so I am not getting ahead of myself, but most likely I will end up admitting in therapy that I peeked at her e-mail and phone texts and she will have to explain it to me and the counselor. i am just afraid that my breach of trust will become a dealbreaker at efforts to get her to find her passion for me again.
The lack of passion for me is the primary theme and problem in her mind.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> Not that it changes what I am going to do about working on me, but the problem for me with my wife's attraction and communication with the OM is that it has not been, to my knowledge, disclosed to our counselor. She sticks with the "we're just friends" story but also states that OM was close in high school and she had leaned on him for emotional support when her close boyfriend in high school cheated on her and got another girl pregnant. what she says to me does not jive with what she texts to him. I hope it is a matter of having fun with the attraction between them but also fear she is setting the stage to relocate back to her hometown and eventually enter a relationship with the OM!
> Again, we have yet to even start couples therapy so I am not getting ahead of myself, but most likely I will end up admitting in therapy that I peeked at her e-mail and phone texts and she will have to explain it to me and the counselor. i am just afraid that my breach of trust will become a dealbreaker at efforts to get her to find her passion for me again.
> The lack of passion for me is the primary theme and problem in her mind.


Dad dad, there are far too many concessions in this last post.

Your wife is not SUPPOSED to have fun with attractions to other men. If she's attracted to another man she better stay away from him. Not continue to text/interact with him. And moving back home to where he is accessible is an endgame scenario for the marriage. And you can probably rest assured that she will blame you for being a psycho or stalker for "breaching her privacy" by reading her EA texts. That's BS. Don't take that bait. Call her on it. Cheaters have no right to privacy. They've breached the trust through their taking advantage of that privacy.

You're clearly hurting and love your wife so it's really hard for you to see that your posts are dripping with talk of R when she is not even willing to give up a clear cut emotional affair.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Like I said, I expect that early in the sessions, I will just blurt out, "Hey I saw the iPad while working from home one day and discovered her sent e-mails and his replies about how she felt when he put his hand on her back... that she can dream of his leaving his wife, .. that she was excited by prospect of his considering doing something to damage his marriage!" I will also say that this made it clear what is going on, and that when I recently read her text, that she mentioned needing to take care of 'unfinished business' that the understanding to me what that she was referring to either our D or of them getting together for physical connection. I will stress that she simply cannot move forward this way if she expects ANY chance of reconciliation. MC should certainly understand this. I kind of wish I broght this up yesterday to my counselor before we start couples therpay Tuesday. We'll see what happens. Hopefully she trusts the counselor who also agrees that she must cut off communicating with OM.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Just had first session, did not divulge the texting issue. Played fair and sessions seemed well enough but I cannot help shake the idea that wife talks to OM now constantly and texts quite frequently as well. She stays away and then just says she was on a business call. But I know after all of these years how she talks for business and how she talks otherwise. While walking into our session, in the hallway when I was already in the lobby, I heard her say Ok I'm going in I'll call you later. I asked who she was talking to and she said business call.
The session itself was a bit helpful and I think that if it were not for the knowledge of her EA with this OM that I would feel we were on the right track. My anxiety and depression get worse every day and I cannot sleep all night, am trying desperately to keep it together. I'm such heartbroke beyod descitpion and feel that this will be my new reality for the foreseeable future. I have made an appointment with medical doctor to discuss medical treatment for this. 
Seems my life was just going too good for too long and now it's time for some good old fashion suffering. God help me and help me maintain for my girls. while wife was out of state I had a good weekend otherwise with my daughters.
My wife's mother is aware of what is going on and handed her a fortune cookie last weekend after dinner about taking care of unfinished business and told me wife that was hers!


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You need to get the EA and OM issues fully on the table in counseling. There's nothing worse than trickle truthing or shading issues to a counselor like your wife is doing. They can only help by working with what they're given. If you give them garbage, you'll get garbage.


----------



## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> affairs take place in the wonderful land of unicorns, rainbows, puppies and lollipops
> 
> IOW, it's all fantasy, so of course she wants that life, you and I know it is not indeed the reality and eventually it come down crashing on her. Her brain is flooded with endorphins of the new affair and she is in what we call a "fog".


Well said..let her go for the five days, enjoy herself. You have to admit to her that you seen the emails and for some reason I think you are okay with her going to see this guy for the five days. Well lets say four because she has to see her friend also. Admit you read the emails and tell her to go enjoy herself you will be here when she returns because you LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY...Its simple


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Alas she is already talking about moving back to her hometown out of state (far away at that!) and once even half-joked that she was going to bring me back there, which was clearly a reference to going back so I could remain in our daughters lives. we had really considered relocating but that was sevral years ago and our daughters would not do well with an out-of-state relocation away from their grandparents, etc. So my biggest fear is D, then losing custody and not seeing daughters every day. I am exhausted!


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Well said..let her go for the five days, enjoy herself. You have to admit to her that you seen the emails and for some reason I think you are okay with her going to see this guy for the five days. Well lets say four because she has to see her friend also. Admit you read the emails and tell her to go enjoy herself you will be here when she returns because you LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY...Its simple


You're being facetious. No?


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You titled your thread 'hurt husband in ohio'. When are you going to become 'angry husband in ohio'? There is another man involved, the anger is past due, don't you think?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why were you afraid time bring up the OM in MC?


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

SadDad: Your story is full of red flags, she seems to be in an EA. Fortheloveofit2, you must want SD to lose his wife to the OM. That advice doesn't work. You would make SD plan B to the OM's Plan A. SD you must start taking strong action, gather evidence, confont and reveal do the 180, work on yourself and read. You must deal with this before it is too late and your W is beyond reach. Your option is to get your ducks in a row and put yourself in the strongest position possible and file. (maybe that would wake her up)


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your being awful passive about this and she going to take advantage of it. It's time for you to protect yourself and your family from her. Is it OK with you that she and her OM are deciding what is going to happen to you and you family, with out consulting you?

Get to a family/custody lawyer tomorrow morning. Have him get a judge get you an order, so she can't take the kids. Then file for D in your state. Then tell her parents about the OM and her plans. Then tell her, she is welcome to go but she can't take your daughters out of state. Do it in this order, do not tell her what you're doing. Sadly, it's the only options you have left.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your exhausted because you trying to reason with her. It won't work because she's gone already. This will help you deal with her, 180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

What ever you do at least read this book and links to help yourself.
No More Mr. Nice Guy

Your probably losing sleep and not eating well too. Get to a MD for something to take the edge off, so you can deal with this.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Why do some guys think that when things get rough in a marriage the right thing to do is to become the house maid? That's probably the worse thing you can do for your wife's attraction to you!



> Originally Posted by fortheloveofit2
> Well said..let her go for the five days, enjoy herself. You have to admit to her that you seen the emails and for some reason I think you are okay with her going to see this guy for the five days. Well lets say four because she has to see her friend also. Admit you read the emails and tell her to go enjoy herself you will be here when she returns because you LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY...Its simple


Was this an attempt at sarcasm or something along that line?


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

After 1st therapy session I had long talk with wife last night. I brought up some concerns that she wants to D and move to AZ. She denied, said that when I brought up my loathing of telling daughters that we were D (in the event we decide to) that she just felt like she wanted to throw up. I truly believe we are at a pivotal moment. Will she fall deeper in love with OM or just decide to tough it out and stay with me.
I just said that I would not relocate our daughters at this age and could not to a place I do not know. She continues to say that D is not what is on her mind, no what she is thinking about. I said that she has brought it up so it clearly is on the table, it is just painful to think about the effect on kids. We talked about more but bottom line is that I am researching D attorneys. I e-mailed 2 this morning. I need to know: do I forward those e-mails from her iPad to save if needed? Or is that entirely irrelevant? I could later just point out she has been untruthful, but what effect would that have? I will await attorney's call. If we D, we shoudl stay put and have shared custody. That would be my goal if D is decision we make. Obviously I want to R but that is clearly not my decision. She needs to come clean on her feelings, agree to stop contact with OM and work on us. I was doing really well last night on trying the 180 but feel that admitting I was depressed did not help. I will keep trying the 180 and see an MD next week for medication for depression and to sleep. W gave me Tylenol PM to sleep which helped.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I also told her that the thing that pisses me off is that I love her unconditionally, and no matter all the pain she is causing me that I still love her madly. I told her that I wished I hated her because that would make this easier. She kind of said she felt the same way. She loves me. But we are not going to move on truly, until she fessed up or I confront her about the e-mails to OM. It's coming though. Probably next week at counseling when we're supposed to have 5 issues to discuss. Mine will include her texting and e-mailing. I'll have to spit it out "I saw your e-mail to him that you were attracted to him. Lets just deal with and move on one way or the other."


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Forward all email and text evidence to a secure place or file and print out copies to be placed in remote location. Keep to the 180 as much as you can, it will help you with your emotions. It may be best for you to confront her about the OM with the MC as a rational third party, due to your emotions. Good for you telling her you won't allow your daughters to be taken away. Believe nothing of what she says, only what her actions back up.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I can't get to the texts but the couple e-mails on her iPad which she apparently forgot are there and they were sent in August are still there. I'll get it and forward those key e-mails to my work e-mail and they will be preserved. I'll also print them and bring them into counseling. It will bring it to a head. I am concerned about rushing things and derailing therpay but therapy based on lies is meaningless. She just needs to decide NOW what she wants. I'll put pressure on HER for a change. She's now in the driver's seat but once she sees the e-mails,the cat will be out of the bag finally.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree that MC is useless when there is a third party involve in the relationship. But you can use the MC and the next session as a safe venue to confront her, about her feelings and plans involving him. Then take appropriate action on the out come and her reactions.

On the issue of evidence, you should discretely continue to monitor her emails and text and phone convos.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> I can't get to the texts but the couple e-mails on her iPad which she apparently forgot are there and they were sent in August are still there. I'll get it and forward those key e-mails to my work e-mail and they will be preserved. I'll also print them and bring them into counseling. It will bring it to a head. I am concerned about rushing things and derailing therpay but therapy based on lies is meaningless. She just needs to decide NOW what she wants. I'll put pressure on HER for a change. *She's now in the driver's seat* but once she sees the e-mails,the cat will be out of the bag finally.


SD - this is your problem. She should not be in the driver's seat. You need to get in control of this.

If you forward those emails, make sure you go to the "Sent" folder and delete them from there, and then go to the "Trash" or "Deleted" folder and delete them from there.

Bring the printed emails to MC so when she denies it, you have them in your hand.

You really need to be the one in control here. You aren't because you know the pain is going to intensify. Trust me, it's going to intensify anyway, you just need to be the one with your hand on the dial.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

So I got the 3 e-mails forwarded to my work e-mail and printed them out. I have IC session today and will get his advice. Next week is our MC session with my W. The e-mails clearly show attraction but also seems joking but she also addressed OM as "Sweets". She also tells him she is glad he would not do anything to jeopardize his marriage because it would have made it harder for her to leave (return home here) if he did! Ugh. Painful. I am 99% sure she at least kissed him out there last trip if not more. She is not being truthful with MC about how her trip was, just said her girlfriend wants her to be happy. Later that night she said that Kim wondered if we needed a Separation, but W was not at that point at all. But that's what she tells me! I think my IC will advise me not to divulge the e-mails. But I will do so in a way that W knows of. W told me of this OM and when I initially suggested that it felt like she had feelings for someone else, she replied with his name! Then she explained that OM went through same thing with his W. I drove home from gym a little early and my W was outside have a cigarette with my younger daughter walking up behind her unbeknownst to her. My w just waved when I pointed at our daughter. Then I drove by and told her she was being seen and W walked over and discarded the cigarette. W was enjoying the conversation and smiling. She deceives so easily and she did not tell me who she was talking to!


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You know she is being deceptive. That's the tool, that she is keeping control over you, the MC and her family. Get on an even playing field. Put spy ware on her phone and tablet. Did the lawyers get back to you with any advice? Find out how to contact the OMW, for use when the time comes.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I have the OM's address and home phone # already and called it and verified that without leaving any message. I am so tempted to call when I think she would be home and explain everyting. I have OM's wife's work e-mail too! I certainly have been doing my research (it's not hard with the internet). It is something I need to decide on how to proceed with. I have 15 years and 2 kids at stake and am not going to rush into this. It certainly just feels like the end and the pain in the chest will not go away. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow too about medication options so I can sleep and concentrate at work. My wife has very good reasons for feeling the way she does. I took her for granted and was struggling with my own demons and let her drift away from me and did not communicate how dearly I loved her. And still do. This is a love story with hopefully a happy ending. I must be wise and patient.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Make sure you tell your MD whats going on so he will give you something appropriate. Don't forget to eat something. Get an ensure shake if you can't eat a meal. Your family needs you healthy, so you will be able to lead them out of this.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> My wife has very good reasons for feeling the way she does. I took her for granted and was struggling with my own demons and let her drift away from me and did not communicate how dearly I loved her. And still do. This is a love story with hopefully a happy ending. I must be wise and patient.


You can always improve yourself, but for you to address the issues with her and in MC, it will only work if the OM is out of the picture.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm coming in late so you may need to correct me on my recap;
Had a fragile marriage but didn't know it,your wife reunited with an old classmate in her hometown at reunion, you find proof of affection between the two thru emails after said reunion, and you tolorate her going back to her home town to visit "friend" and were the OM is.

If this is all correct my I suggest you stop tolorating this by asking her to leave? It also appears that as you continue to nice your way out of this crap, your wifes falls deeper and deeper into her affair fog and now has such little respect for you that she has the balls to talk to OM infront of you.

Sorry man you can't nice your way out of this, but me, being a complete stranger, and reading what you have done this last month I have to say your approach is getting you no were.

I can tell you love your wife unconditionally and so does your wife, hence the reason her affair grows and grows. It sound wierd but sometimes when love has conditions thing like the crap you are going thru don't have to happen.

Some day you are going to need to set up some boudries that will be the walls that you need to stop the emotional torture you are going thru. Remember boudries are ment for you not her.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> You can always improve yourself, but for you to address the issues with her and in MC, it will only work if the OM is out of the picture.


:iagree:
Thats the thing OM has been effecting the dynamics of the marriage from the start and OP didn't see it cuz he fell for the MO, men use to get in bed with married women. Its a damb script and hell he may have been warned by some poster on this thread over a month ago.

Now he has a bigger fight on his hands and needs to go nuclear on the affair to make it as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> I took her for granted and was struggling with my own demons and let her drift away from me and did not communicate how dearly I loved her. And still do. This is a love story with hopefully a happy ending. I must be wise and patient.



What I did to my wife was criminal and she had the choice to divorce me and leave, but no she choose to lie and deceive me by sleeping around. Thats how my wife handled our frigils and abusive marriage 

You have said this before, I believe, "her affair is not your fault"

She went 13 years of her sleeping around with 20 OM(out of a 22 yr M) cuz I felt guilty for the way I treated her....and you know what it just ain't worth it. my kids didn't diserve it!

Going back to to your sitch, she may not like the respect you start to command but its time to start getting some respect back for your self.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

So my wife and I went out Friday, had good conversation about us. It was less emotional, more thoughtful. It did not lead to any real resolution and I joked that I put a positive spin on things she she stops it (the spin, the optimism). She just says that after so many years, perhaps the last 5 or so of trying so hard to keep everything together for ME, that she just got tired of it. She is not a negative person but I have become one. I always tell her I am not a people-person, do not like people and they do not like me. This is true but I was really being facetious. She went into her list of issues between us. I told her that all of it is repairable. True she did try to communicate with me, but now she FINALLY has got her point across. How can she just want to walk away now?? I can and will put my heart and soul into changing, already have in so many ways. She sees that but still is stuck on not feeling R at the moment. I told her this will take time, and we've only been to couples counseling together ONCE. I poured out again that she is beautiful inside and out. I feel like I am 10 feet tall when I walk into a room with her. There was really not a lot of progress and while I felt better after we talked, I still became anxious and could not sleep at all, despite getting Ambien from my MD. Last night I took 2 to no better results.
For the bombshell, she has a work trip today, a legit one with a coworker and this morning she had left her cell phone out. She was downstairs and I checked her texts. They were full of texts from OM. Hers were full of song lyrics to him telling her she loves him. I about collapsed. She walked back up and I was on the bed. I told her I saw her texts, knows she is in Love with OM. She admitted EA, insists that there was nothing else. I told her that she cannot be in MC with her attention and energies directed to OM. We talked 15 minutes. I was so hopeful for her to say that she'd come back and try earnestly and honestly to repair marriage. But she said that she is still not sure if she does. I told her that is fair enough, but that she MUST cease contact with him. She said that this was so unintentional, she feels extreme guilt. I told her I understand, but that always said that people should never cheat because they should fix or leave their own relationship before moving to the next and she went against her own morals. I know she is sick about it. It adds a whole new dimension. I know she already texted him about my discovery and had already checked her phone for a reply.
I have his cell phone # (hopefully I got it right since my heart was pounding out of my chest when I was copying it). I am going to text her later that she needs to tell him that I found out and that I intend to do the same and that I will expose this EA to his wife if he does not cease texting and calling my wife. I putting her on notice as well. Is this the right thing to do or do we proceed in MC and let Counselor handle this? 
I told her I forgive her, just am fighting for her. Still want us. The kids need it, we need it. She hears me but knows she is in for a long dark journey one way or the other. I feel a tremendous burden off my chest already.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I haven't read the replies, but it sounds to me like she's giving you an opportunity to get back on track. You have been blind to all the signals she sent before, and she's at the end of her rope. However, she's seeing something that is keeping her around for now. 

By paying attention to what she's saying, showing that you recognize what you did and feel bad about it, changing that so it doesn't happen again, and not trying to change what she's feeling are good steps and it honestly sounds to me like it's working. 

Keep doing what you have been. Continue seeing your respective counselors. You guys will get through this with the honesty and acceptance you're using now.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> So my wife and I went out Friday, had good conversation about us. It was less emotional, more thoughtful. It did not lead to any real resolution and I joked that I put a positive spin on things she she stops it (the spin, the optimism). She just says that after so many years, perhaps the last 5 or so of trying so hard to keep everything together for ME, that she just got tired of it. She is not a negative person but I have become one. I always tell her I am not a people-person, do not like people and they do not like me. This is true but I was really being facetious. She went into her list of issues between us. I told her that all of it is repairable. True she did try to communicate with me, but now she FINALLY has got her point across. How can she just want to walk away now?? I can and will put my heart and soul into changing, already have in so many ways. She sees that but still is stuck on not feeling R at the moment. I told her this will take time, and we've only been to couples counseling together ONCE. I poured out again that she is beautiful inside and out. I feel like I am 10 feet tall when I walk into a room with her. There was really not a lot of progress and while I felt better after we talked, I still became anxious and could not sleep at all, despite getting Ambien from my MD. Last night I took 2 to no better results.
> For the bombshell, she has a work trip today, a legit one with a coworker and this morning she had left her cell phone out. She was downstairs and I checked her texts. They were full of texts from OM. Hers were full of song lyrics to him telling her she loves him. I about collapsed. She walked back up and I was on the bed. I told her I saw her texts, knows she is in Love with OM. She admitted EA, insists that there was nothing else. I told her that she cannot be in MC with her attention and energies directed to OM. We talked 15 minutes. I was so hopeful for her to say that she'd come back and try earnestly and honestly to repair marriage. But she said that she is still not sure if she does. I told her that is fair enough, but that she MUST cease contact with him. She said that this was so unintentional, she feels extreme guilt. I told her I understand, but that always said that people should never cheat because they should fix or leave their own relationship before moving to the next and she went against her own morals. I know she is sick about it. It adds a whole new dimension. I know she already texted him about my discovery and had already checked her phone for a reply.
> I have his cell phone # (hopefully I got it right since my heart was pounding out of my chest when I was copying it). I am going to text her later that she needs to tell him that I found out and that I intend to do the same and that I will expose this EA to his wife if he does not cease texting and calling my wife. I putting her on notice as well. * Is this the right thing to do or do we proceed in MC and let Counselor handle this*?
> I told her I forgive her, just am fighting for her. Still want us. The kids need it, we need it. She hears me but knows she is in for a long dark journey one way or the other. I feel a tremendous burden off my chest already.


It is ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do. Do it right away. You have to blow up this affair BEFORE you go to counseling or else your wasting your time and your money. Don't ever trust a counselor to break up your wife's affair and give her consequences for betraying you and the marriage. Only you can do that, and you need to do it right now. Her response to this move will tell you alot about how deep she is and what your chances of reconciling will be. Only bold, agressive moves will work on someone who is in a fog. Also as an aside, Please take her down from that pedestal you have her on. Especially given the fact that she's a cheater. Trust me this will do wonders for you and the relationship.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

First, GET RID OF THE OM.

Second, I agree with Kathy. You may have a chance to repair the relationship with your W. Keep the dialogue with her going and get her to continue MC. This is not possible with the OM in the picture. 


The OMW is in the same horrible position you find yourself in. She should be told. If it is keep secret from her, you are complicit in the deception of the affair. Exposure will keep him busy with his wife, not your's.


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

They are right, but in so many threads the BS doesn't listen and it doesn't work. SDSM Please take the advice, expose the OM to alll, get help and buckle in for a hard ride. Good luck.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage said:


> I am going to text her later that she needs to tell him that I found out and that I intend to do the same and that I will expose this EA to his wife if he does not cease texting and calling my wife. .


This threat will not work. You see this as an incentive for him to stop contacting your wife. It is not. It will only allow him to continue the affair in more covert ways with out the consequence of his wife knowing. 

Once his wife knows you will have an ally in killing this A. This will also put more pressure on your W to bring her out of the fog. 

Do not allow him to tell his wife because he will spin it or it will never happen. This will also allow the A to continue. YOU TELL HIS WIFE. Good luck.


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Anchor is right, tell the wife not the OM, he will find out soon enough.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry man you screwed up, when a guy catches his wife cheating the last thing you want to tell her is "you want to work it out " and "still want her".

You get pissed and ask them to leave for good and you will not tolorate sharing your wife.


What you just told you wife is no matter what you will always be around. Granted you told her she has to stop all contact with OM but that just doesn;t cut it. In her mind you aren't going anywere so she will continue....maybe she will try harder to hide it from you so you don't get hurt again, but you showed her that there will be no consequences for her behavior and that you aren't going anu were.

I suggest you chnage your approach and start distancing your self and stop rewarding your wife by being this great husband, because you have a snowballs chance in hell of competing with her new boyfriend.

Until your wife starts to realy believe you are letting her go she will start to think twice, but for now you ain't going no were so she has no doubt she can do what she wants.

Talk is cheap man, start taking action my exposing the affair while she is out of town, seperate finaces, and cut her out of all joint accounts. These tactice are action in showing your cheating wife that you are willing to let her go.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

SadDad

Your marriage will not last if the other man is not cut completely off. Use every legal method to put heavy consequences on your wife. She is an addict and is getting a real high from the OM. She is not strong enough by herself to stop.

She will need serious consequences and actions right now. The longer you let the addict get her fix the harder it will be for her to break away. Get a lawyer to write out what you will be asking for in the event a divorce occurs. Make sure that you make it very clear about how much time you will have with your children and how much time she will not have the children. The days of the wife getting all the time with the children are over.


Do not let the fact that you did not treat your wife good in the past prevent you from taking strong action. The action you take must not be a bluff; you need to be ready to follow through if necessary. Your talking and reasoning with her, your begging and groveling and telling her that you love her even if she is involved with another man is not going to get her turned around. If anything is going to stop this addict it is some serious consequence that is not a bluff.

You should get support from a professional and any other way that will build you up. You have already shown that you are weak and will tolerate another man and your wife having an emotional affair. If not stopped your wife will wind up in bed with the OM.

Get yourself stronger in all ways because that will be what will give you better chances of helping your wife get off the fix. It will also help you if she decides to continue with the OM. Your wife has a free will and you can only do so much but at least do not fail at what you can do.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

The latest. So wife and I talk occasionally, usually before bedtime. And despite my best efforts a 180, I still struggle. I'm just too emotionally dependent on her still. The Celexa is taking effect and helping. When I work out I feel good, sleep good. Anyhow, we talk and talk and it's the same spinning wheels. We have daughter's birthday party over weekend which was hard and stressful. Her family and her sister knows what's going on but Wife denies telling her sister. She also stayed at her friends last week and I read her e-mail to friend which she said we are separated but in same house. Friend was shocked. Also, she said that there was a lot more to talk about, but needed to do so over bottle of wine or two. I suspected she wanted to tell about her love for OM. I was right. Wife doesn't know that her work e-mail is set up on our home desktop computer and password is stored. So I read them all the time to get into my wife's head. Just last night I read e-mail to local friend that she stayed with and she explains that she had to break it off with the OM and that she is hot mess over it, worse than when she revealed how unhappy she was with me in our marriage! Friend replied with sympathy and asked my broke off with OM. My W replied that the OM had a change of feelings and that they were headed towards separation but he did not want to lose out on seeing his kids and so is not going to separate. W said that she knows how it it and that she could not do that to him. I was a little excited thinking maybe W had a change of heart about us, but i was the OM who had a change of heart/mind. So, W tells friend that now she is just all alone in this because at least she had OM to confide in over our marriage. 
W has her IC today. Her father's 5 year anniversary of his passing is Nov. 1st and she came in today afte I suggested we talk to our oldest daughter about our situation, that we are separating for 3 months in January. Wife came in and said that she just wants a normal week because she is distraught over her dad (and her breakup!), hugged me and cried. I hugged her back, hard. I told her I was sorry we're in such a F___ed up situation and that I am sorry for causing it from all of my years of neglect. She said it is her fault too..
Having said that, I have called an attorney. I have decided to give this another month or so before I file for D. It's just not something I can deal with long term and will turn some of the power over to me. I will explain to W that we can always go back to couples therapy, but otherwise I need to protect my state of mind and well-being and not drag this out. I will sugar coat it that I know she is in Love with OM and that I need to just release her once and for all. If she comes back, we can talk about expectations for going forward, but otherwise, my final gift to her will be me D her.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

I have not posted on here in months but just wanted to tell of how my individual and marriage counseling has done absolute WONDERS for my wife and I. As much as I thought I knew what the solution was to our troubles, and was in many ways, actually changing was much more difficult than I realized it would be.
My wife goes to her own IC once per week, me less often and MC visits are less often. I am on a mild anti-depressant Rx which is helpful, am back to normal workout schedule, loving life, have somewhat better and normal frequency sex. I want more and my wife understands that but is working on what is prohibiting her from enjoying it. 
Bottom line for those on this site for first time is that my marriage blew up and I've been in a bad state for about a year but luckily my wife and I are both commited to fixing problems and are on a good path to doing just that. Just NEVER give up. The solution is there is both partners are ready, willing and able to make changes. We all just need some help from time to time. Peace!


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Delighted to hear this


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good news SadDad. Yes, we can all use a little direction now and then.


----------



## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

wowwwww!! never expected that. fill us in please.


----------



## SadDadwantstoSaveMarriage (Sep 17, 2012)

Essentially my wife lived with overbearing father and overly emotional sister (Mom was good she reports). Thus she had always learned not to be vocal about problems with her dad or sister because tended to get hyper-defensive and try to just blame her for whatever. That effected her even now as an adult. she would just bottle up rather than make others angry. 
She reported in counseling that she had simply lost touch with who she was because she was so focused on making the kids happy, making me happy. She was sad to learn that what she was doing as a wife was NOTHING of what I wanted: i.e. I needed physical passion much more than I needed her to cook, take care of our daughters, etc. 
It's not that I did NOT want her to be a good mom or housewife, but that was FAR from what I needed to make me feel like I was in a good, close marriage in which my needs were being met. I had frankly felt that there was something wrong with me for being so focused on Sex. It's one of those things where when you don't get it enough, it's HUGE! And I'd just end up having to beg for it and she felt like it was a task she had to perform. She also has a history of a sexual assualt in college (date rape) and had been cheated on in high school by a boyfriend she deeply cared for. All in all this was just bottled up and she put on a good face. The contact with ehr high school friend (emotional affair) really blew the lid off everyting leaving her confused, scared, etc. She was really pursuing the OM and frankly I think he had been trying to stop contact with her but she was like a druggie, needing the attention. 
I believe she is no longer in contact with him. It's not even an issue that comes up anymore, surprisingly.
I'm working on being more understanding of her needs and also still trying to give her space enough for passion to come back naturally. We've had some AMAZING sex but it can be a little like a drug for me too and we joke about how I could have it daily. NO KIDDING. So why not? It's been hard not trying to pressure her for sex but at least I know she is working on it and when we do I know it is because she really wants to, not out of any sense of obligation and not as a chore. 
The counselor we have is just great! She really focused on my wife early in the treatment and at first I did not really like that but I think the counselor felt Jenni had a lot more confusion in her mind about her reactions to things I did and said that were not reasonable. It's a long story and we're still working on it but the stress level is WAY lower and I am so close to back to normal that I sometimes actually forget about the mess we were in.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Any chance you can edit the wall of text and use paragraphs. I would love to help but its just too long.


----------

