# at my wits end... also venting



## Nickd0989 (Nov 3, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. We have a 2y/o and one on the way. And we only have them because somehow by the grace of anything that is holy. I was allowed to have sex with her. I mean in the years that we've been married I can count how may times we've had sex on both hands. 
When we were dating we were staying with some mutual friends. She didn't want to because it was their house. Then due to some circumstances we had to move in with her parents house (we were engaged at this point). There she didn't want to because (i figured) it was her parents house. And no locks on the doors. And it's her parents house. So I thought well once we're married things will get better. Nope still the same. Even when nobody was home and we had the house to ourselves for the weekend. 
I got a job out of state, so we moved out. Me again thinking it will get better. Nope, not really. I got to have sex once in our new apartment. And she got pregnant.... 
So I kept hearing people say "Man my wife wanted sex all the time she was pregnant" Or "she loved giving oral while pregnant" Not my wife. No sir. Our son turned 2. and about a month after that she let me have sex with her again. 
Oh my lucky stars! I should have bought a lottery ticket that day. I was going to get laid! And she got pregnant again....
Seriously, I'm 35 she's 30. we should be going at it like rabbits. What is wrong with this woman? I've tried to talk to her about is. But her reaction is always "Oh shut up" or "you'll live" and laughs it off.

This is not the only problem. But I think it's a big contributor. 
Other things are; shes a stay at home mom. So why is it when I get home the house is a pigsty. I don't expect sparkly clean, but tidy would be nice. So I kinda straighten up the place after working 14 hours. 
When she cooks she doesn't clean up after herself. Leaves all the kitchen cabinet open after I've repeatedly asked her to close them when shes done so I don't hit my head against them. I'm 6'4", I'm a big dude. She just laughs and blows me off. Leaving me to clean the damn kitchen. I clean up after the cats. Which she got without telling me. I don't eve like cats. But I've got to take care of them.
She does the laundry. That's about it. And not even completely, because guess who's folding everything? Yours truly. 
I'm really contemplating a divorce. But I don't want to because we have kids. I really do love my kids (even the unborn one, also a boy btw). But I'm not sure if I still love her. And also the fact that I'm 35, and this would be my second divorce. 
I know it sounds like I'm putting her in a bad light, but this is really what goes on in our house. 
I mean on some level I do love her. However, I think that's only because she's the mother of my children. And I don't feel that she loves me back. She says she does. but I don't feel it, if that makes sence.
I'm miserable. All my old friends just look at me and ask me what's wrong. I'm not the happy, fun, goofy guy they all know and love. I just don't feel I can be myself around her anymore. 
Should I go through with this? And if I do, will I be able to find someone again? Like I want to, but I'm also afraid of the unknown...... Please help. Any advise....


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Stop doing the things that let her know you love her. Tell her that since she is not doing the things for you that make you feel loved, you are building up a lot of resentment and have been wondering if divorce is the way to go. But, instead of going down the divorce road, you are going to make the relationship feel more fair. If you don't get love, neither does she. It doesn't sound like a good solution now, but make it clear why you are doing it and she is likely to respond. It will probably be arguing first, then negotiations, then a solution you two can agree on. Please do something like this before you decide to divorce. 

If you are miserable because she won't meet you half way, then it's much better to do something to wake her up rather than introduce the insecurity of divorce. For the time being she is stuck with you. She can either walk out on you or start working with you. But if you are thinking about walking anyway, then what do you have to lose by trying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Life with a two yr old is messy. Get used to that... And the future, a three yr old and a newborn? Not gonna get much better...

What concerns me, is you didn't have any sex BEFORE marriage so why would you think that would just magically change? You say she just laughs you off then you say you aren't your normal goofy self. Leads me to believe most people don't take you seriously.

I think the dynamics in your relationship have been set for a long time. Individual and couples marital counseling could help if you're both serious about making changes to your marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She sounds like a terrible wife.

You should not be giving more than you are receiving.

Live life on your terms, ignoring her needs wishes and wants as she does yours. Limit her access to money. Be a great father. If this does not work, then file for divorce. Invite her to be a wife to you if she wants to remain married. If after all of this she still does not want to be a contributing wife, you will know that the problem is unfixable.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You knew she was not interested in having sex with you & is a slob, yet you married her & keep having children with her.

She may be depressed. Suggest medical treatment.

I think you should try marriage counseling before you pull the plug. Forget trying to change her into a domestic sex Goddess. For the life of me, I cannot grasp how an intelligent 30 yr. old divorced man would choose so poorly.

Finally, try to re-home the cats. They will be better off in a more peaceful environment with owners that love them & WANT to take care of them.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening nickd0989
I'm assuming your post is a reasonable description of what is going on. If so:

This is awful. You made a big mistake by marrying someone who has no interest in being intimate with you, and who is a slob. 

Its a mistake, but you are not bound to live your entire life with that mistake. 

Tell here that both of you need to go to counseling. If she refuses, ask for a divorce. If she goes and things don't improve, ask for a divorce. 

Don't stay in a marriage for the kids. I can tell you from experience that children can recognize when their parents are in an unhappy marriage and it teaches them a terrible lesson. I grew up in that situation, and while it was my late teens before I really understood what was happening, even at a very young age it gave me a terrible idea of what marriage and love were supposed to be. ("love" was a word they used to describe a relationship where they did everything possible to avoid spending time together).


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Nick - I feel for you. I really do. But, if you're liable to write more humourous rants if things get worse, a part of me hopes they do!

My 2nd LTR also had a prediliction for accumulating things with fur on them but, when you're getting some bedroom action, the beasts are more readily tolerated.

Seriously, I'm not sure what you want from us. You've identified the kids and fear of leaving as your reasons for not fleeing immediately. Most people don't identify that 2nd one on their own.

Next time she laughs about it, tell her it's a laugh you're not prepared to pretend to share any more. If she won't make an effort to get with the program,,,,,,,



You're in the best age group for finding another woman - if you don't like being on your own. Their hormones aren't much different from their younger 'sistas'. Most of them have fulfilled any desire to have kids (though a few are desperate). Some are still winning battles against gravity, before ultimately losing the war, and they can see the big M on the horizon, so they're looking to pair up before they (potentially) lose their looks and desire. (In reality they're every bit as hot as they were 10 - 15 years earlier but don't let on. Don't want them getting too choosy and making our lives more difficult). If they have a pulse, chances are they'll have a higher sex drive than your reluctant wife.

Can't think of owt else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nick to show what you think of her and to send a message DNA the kid and future kid in front of her.
If that doesn't wake her up nothing will imo.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You need to read "His Needs, Her Needs", and not because I think it will save your marriage, but because you seem to have no idea about your rights in a relationship. I'm guessing you didn't have much of an example from your parents.

You have the right to have a partner who cares about your needs, and a partner who will always work with you to improve your relationship. From what I have just read, you have behaved as if it's optional for a spouse to behave like a spouse. In doing so, you have basically shown her from day dot that you don't think your needs are important or are even needs for that matter. If you don't start taking yourself seriously, do you think she ever will?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

breeze said:


> You need to read "His Needs, Her Needs", and not because I think it will save your marriage, but because you seem to have no idea about your rights in a relationship. I'm guessing you didn't have much of an example from your parents.
> 
> You have the right to have a partner who cares about your needs, and a partner who will always work with you to improve your relationship. From what I have just read, you have behaved as if it's optional for a spouse to behave like a spouse. In doing so, you have basically shown her from day dot that you don't think your needs are important or are even needs for that matter. If you don't start taking yourself seriously, do you think she ever will?


If you don't respect yourself who will.
Just saying.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> She sounds like a terrible wife.
> 
> You should not be giving more than you are receiving.
> 
> Live life on your terms, ignoring her needs wishes and wants as she does yours. Limit her access to money. Be a great father. If this does not work, then file for divorce. Invite her to be a wife to you if she wants to remain married. If after all of this she still does not want to be a contributing wife, you will know that the problem is unfixable.


The wife is PREGNANT. A condition that HE helped to produce! Come on, folding laundry isn't much of a chore yet OP thinks his hands are falling off! 

And taking care of the cats? Well, medical practitioners will advise a pregnant woman to Stay away from cat feces. True fact, look it up.

I think OP has one divorce under his belt and not afraid to do it again. It seems walking away is easier than trying to work things out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'll get beat up for pointing out the obvious, but there are women on this earth who view marriage as an alternative to a career, rather like winning the lottery. If they get an employed man to marry and impregnate them their worries are over. She sounds rather lazy in her roles as wife and housekeeper. Is she a go-getter in any other realm of her life? Was she before you two got married? When contemplating a divorce, I don't think the choice should ever be, "this woman or another one." I think the choice should be "this woman or life alone". Once you get to the place where you would prefer life forever alone then you would be ready for a divorce. If you do bail on this one, get to the place where you are comfortable and happy living alone. Later, if someone really right comes along, you might consider another relationship. If you believe you just have to have a woman to be happy you will talk yourself into hooking up whatever comes your way. This one gave you very significant clues as to her attitudes about sex and you ignored them (probably because you didn't want to be alone or never learned how to be). Forgive me for saying so, but you seem to be letting life push or drag you. You rely on hope instead of planning and charting your own course. Women don't just get pregnant twice. People don't generally change from being asexual to becoming nymphos because they get a new address. If you want your life to be different you have to make different choices. Jiminy Cricket lied to you. Wishing on a star won't give you squat.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Revamped said:


> The wife is PREGNANT. (,,,,,,,,) And taking care of the cats? Well, medical practitioners will advise a pregnant woman to Stay away from cat feces. True fact, look it up.


Toxoplasmosis.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Looks like you screwed yourself.

You let your mind get the best of you and now you are punishing yourself for it. When your girlfriend will not have sex with you because you were staying with mutual friends, that should have been your calling to get out. You can't blame her because you knew exactly what you were getting into and took the risk. 

If you want to have a fulfilling sex life, you have to get out of this marriage now. My advice = stay a bachelor for awhile and be active with your children. Your current wife is not your partner. She is nothing more than a roommate and a baby factory. Move on if you need intimacy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nickd0989 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. We have a 2y/o and one on the way. And we only have them because somehow by the grace of anything that is holy. I was allowed to have sex with her. I mean in the years that we've been married I can count how may times we've had sex on both hands.
> When we were dating we were staying with some mutual friends. She didn't want to because it was their house. Then due to some circumstances we had to move in with her parents house (we were engaged at this point). There she didn't want to because (i figured) it was her parents house. And no locks on the doors. And it's her parents house. So I thought well once we're married things will get better. Nope still the same. Even when nobody was home and we had the house to ourselves for the weekend.
> I got a job out of state, so we moved out. Me again thinking it will get better. Nope, not really. I got to have sex once in our new apartment. And she got pregnant....
> So I kept hearing people say "Man my wife wanted sex all the time she was pregnant" Or "she loved giving oral while pregnant" Not my wife. No sir. Our son turned 2. and about a month after that she let me have sex with her again.
> ...


Sigh...
MMSLP get the book.
And get "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
You will thank me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hon, I hear two adult children who need to grow up.

She needs to take you more seriously and address the slob problem.

You do not need to walk away from a pregnant wife.

What does need to happen is for you to man up and let her know you are seriously unhappy. 

She needs to come off the sex thing... This needs counseling. I swear she sounds 16.

Was she sheltered growing up?


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## Nickd0989 (Nov 3, 2014)

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I have decided that I do deserve to be happy. So I think I am going to file for divorce. But I just need to figure out when. I don't want to be the a**hole that leave his wife while she's pregnant. But I don't know if I can wait till February. We have no immediate family around us. the closest relative for her is 2000 miles away.
I've talked to my wife till I was blue in the face about being unhappy, and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. I asked her about counseling. She said it's expensive. So I told her that maybe a church can help. I'm an atheist, and I brought up church. I was willing to put all that aside just to try and save our marriage. She said no again. Seems like she doesn't care.
I talked to a close friend of mine and she said that I need to get out. She also told me this 2 and a half years ago. My parents said the same thing. But I was determined to try to make this marriage work.
So I guess all there is left is to figure out custody and other logistics... 
Oh and if some of you think that my post was kinda funny. That's just how I cope with things. It's a defense system amongst other things. She knew this going in. So when I sit down and talk t her seriously, you would think she would take me serious. Being goofy is who I am. And she has robbed me of it. I'm not me. And I want me back.
Thank you for all your input. I really appreciate it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Only 4 years is not bad go see a few lawyers.
Probably 2 years alimony and well 18 years child support she's going to have to get a job eventually.
You may want to carry a var on you after she gets served.
Get a DNA test just in case.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Nickd0989 said:


> Oh and if some of you think that my post was kinda funny. That's just how I cope with things. It's a defense system amongst other things. She knew this going in. So when I sit down and talk t her seriously, you would think she would take me serious. Being goofy is who I am. And she has robbed me of it. I'm not me. And I want me back.
> Thank you for all your input. I really appreciate it.


Uh huh.


They can take half (or more) of everything you ever owned. Your kids, and a sizeable chunk of your heart. Only when they rob you of your sense of humour are you truly fu,., uhh,, done for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beccaknits (Nov 10, 2014)

This makes me incredibly sad. A wise friend once told me that there are 3 sides to every story: yours, hers, and the truth. Let me be devil's advocate first and say that the job (yes, job!) of a stay-at-home mom is incredibly demanding and draining, both physically and mentally. You are supposed to care for someone who literally would die without someone to provide all of their basic needs, raise them to be a responsible human being, and you're expected to cook, clean, do everyone's laundry, and any other slew of things that people used to have servants for. Day after day, night after night, year after year, often not even getting a full night's rest because even when you're sleeping you are on-call. I know this sounds whiny to anyone who has never been a stay-at-home parent, but I know that I am not alone. Another thing is that you're not "supposed" to have these frustrations. Anyway, enough about that. 

As for the sex thing, I'm guessing there is more than meets the eye. Sexuality for many women is very complicated, and I don't think she is right for the way you say she acts about it, but I think it might need a closer look. 

Maybe you're too tired of the same old issues to even care any more, but if even part of you wants to have a better marriage with the same woman I would highly recommend the book "Desperate Marriages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. I saw that you said you're an atheist, and he is a Christian author, but he has a lot of really practical advice that I think could apply to anyone. I am a Christian and even I find the "Jesus is the answer to all your problems" mindset extremely annoying. 

I wish the best for your marriage and family, and for the record I love my kids and am grateful that I have a husband whose income finally allows me to be the one who cares for them all the time.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Nickd0989 said:


> Thanks to all of you for your advice. I have decided that I do deserve to be happy. So I think I am going to file for divorce. But I just need to figure out when. I don't want to be the a**hole that leave his wife while she's pregnant. But I don't know if I can wait till February. We have no immediate family around us. the closest relative for her is 2000 miles away.
> I've talked to my wife till I was blue in the face about being unhappy, and it just seems to fall on deaf ears. I asked her about counseling. She said it's expensive. So I told her that maybe a church can help. I'm an atheist, and I brought up church. I was willing to put all that aside just to try and save our marriage. She said no again. Seems like she doesn't care.
> I talked to a close friend of mine and she said that I need to get out. She also told me this 2 and a half years ago. My parents said the same thing. But I was determined to try to make this marriage work.
> So I guess all there is left is to figure out custody and other logistics...
> ...


How is it I'm not surprised at all that you'd walk away... You knew what you were going to do before you even posted here. You just wanted to paint her in the worst light to make people believe you are justified in your actions.

So, you'll be 36 yrs old, twice divorced man-boy with a hefty CS bill for two small children, who will become the Bain of your existence. They will be your Fun Police. I think it is just so ironic that you consider "goofy" is an ultimate lifetime achievement. Most men would have settled down by now.

Man up, Nick.

Life isn't always a party.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I am very suspicious your parents are backing this decision. What mother would encourage her son to walk away from a pregnant wife? There is a LOT you are not telling here. My suspicious are you have more going on with this female friend. You guys have barely been married long enough to even give the problems long enough to settle out. What was going on 2.5 years ago that made this female "friend" who is still in the picture AND your parents say to divorce? Why do you have a close female friend when you are married that is hearing about your marital problems? Is she married, single, do yall have a past relational history? I'm willing to lay money on it that you will not come back to answer these questions.


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