# Discontent



## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

I don't know that I'm really seeking advice on what to do as much as wanting to vent my feelings anonymously and getting some feedback. Whichever I get will be useful I suppose, though. Sorry for the length. I'm very detail oriented.

I've been married to my wife for 3 years. It seems like it has been a lot longer. We have a 9- and 5-year-old. Recently I've felt discontent. My relationship with my wife has been pretty stale for a while. I know we've only been married 3 years, but we were together for 3 years before that. We fought a lot more in the past, but also had a lot more fun and a lot more sex. We didn't have sex on our wedding night. We didn't have any in the first week or 2 of our marriage at least. The fighting, or rather bickering reached a high about a year into it and we started seeing a marriage counselor, initiated by me. We established that she wanted a lot more help around the house and with the kids and that I'm also a very direct and linear person and see things in black and white terms. The counselor seemed to side with my wife or at least be able to relate to her side a lot more and I felt like I had to fend for myself, but that could just be my perception. They both agreed that the sessions seemed to be more about my wife's faults. Anyway, that proved to be more than we could afford at the time, but she did get some prescription anti-depressant out of it, which have made a very noticeable difference, even to my wife. That is the single biggest factor of our arguments becoming few and far between, even according to my wife.

Ever since my son was born 5 years ago, though, the sex has dropped steadily until it happened about once every 1 or 2 months. It was not for lack of trying on my part. She said she just has no desire or interest in it. When we would, it would be because she would reluctantly do it for me, but I could tell she didn't get much enjoyment out of it. That is a boner-killer for me, as is pain. The last time we had it (I don't even know when that was), she said it hurt inside even with just my fingers. Apparently it had been hurting every time we had done it for a while and I thought it was just because we did it so infrequently, but it was more than that. It is some medical thing and it will be a while until it is cured, if it ever is. I don't know anymore. I just know that I've stopped trying because I don't want her to do it for me when it hurts. She's helped me take care of myself, but it's not the same and I'd rather not. It's too one-way for me and she gets no enjoyment out of it and I always have to initiate everything. It's like she's forever on a period.

I think the real staleness came about then, because I stopped considering her a source of sex and as a result I stopped desiring it from her. Apparently that impacts a lot. I've never really found her physically attractive. For most of our relationship I acted as if I was sexually attracted to her all the time and even convinced myself of it. I'd look at her and try to see her as attractive, but it was always an effort. I dated her because I wanted sex from anyone and then I married her because we had children and I wasn't going to subject them to a broken home, and I genuinely care for her and was happy for a while. And sex of any sort is good. But for a while now, it does absolutely nothing to me to see her naked. It doesn't help that she has never felt sexy and rarely tried to appear so.

So it seems we have become like gay roommates of the opposite sex. We get along and rarely fight. Our kids are happy and we have a good family life. She likes country music, horses, and photography, and I like death metal, computers, and video games. Without sex, the motivation to flirt has left me and therefore the motivation to spend any time with her has also left. I spend time with her to make her happy, but it's not something I desire. We like most of the same movies and TV shows, but besides that, our children are the only thing we have in common.

I didn't really notice what I was missing until I developed a crush for a very attractive co-worker. Being attracted to members of the opposite sex is very common for me, but usually they are only eye candy for me because, while I don't have low self-esteem by any means, I have a very realistic grasp on the fact that most women are not attracted to me or at least wouldn't want to pursue anything with me, even if I was single. Whenever I saw some other guy with an attractive woman, I always thought, "Why does he get to be with her?" The concept of being with someone you find physically beautiful and them wanting to be with you has always seemed some impossible dream to me, like becoming president. Because of this, it is a pleasant surprise when a beautiful woman seems happy to see me.

A new girl started working in my building and after she smiled at me a couple times, I looked her up on Facebook and found we had a mutual friend, so in passing I opened with the cliche, "Hey, do you know so-and-so? Yeah? I thought that was you who I saw on her Facebook page." I often put out such "probes" like that to people and usually they acknowledge a little awkwardly. I try to find the people who can have a conversation out of no where with a stranger because those are the ones I get along with best. Well, this girl responded, "Yeah! We used to work together and were really good friends!" I said we went to school together. Then she said, "You should add me on Facebook!" *cue angels singing*

I didn't know how much that meant. Did she just add everyone she worked with? She had a few people from work on there and I also found out her best friend is my cute neighbor. I added her and she accepted, but I have a natural tendency to jump into any friendship or relationship full board, just as I do with anything I get into, and tend to come across as overbearing. Instead, I haven't said or commented on anything yet and decided not to initiate any further interaction with her. However, since the initial engagement, she has smiled at me and asked how I am every time I've seen her, which is a stark contrast to how most people are to me at work. Still, I was careful not to show too much enthusiasm toward her and made sure that I paid more attention to the person I went there to see (to fix their computer) and only talked to her much when she had a technical issue, though I was very friendly, perhaps flirty about it and she seemed completely receptive to it. She may just be a very cheerful person to anyone. I didn't want it to be obvious that I was only physically going to her area because of her when I'd rather just deal with people over the phone. It helps that my office is very close. 

Last Friday was our last interaction where she needed help with her printer and we both seemed to enjoy the process of working on it together, like it didn't matter what we were doing. It could have just been in my head. I left her a note on the computer saying "you look really good today" without saying who it was from. I had mad butterflies while typing it. I went back to my office and later that day I got an email from her saying "I got my note! Thank you "

She has a 2-year-old daughter and seemed happy to find that I had children myself. I overheard her tell someone else that she has a boyfriend of 5 years whom she hopes will propose to her in the near future, so I don't have any hopeful thoughts of anything happening between us. I'm pretty sure she is just being nice and chatty to me as a fellow co-worker. But she has been on my mind a lot and I've had several fantasies, though mostly nonsexual. Just things like going to lunch with her or conversations we might have. They are actually all things that I already get from my wife. The same things I fantasize about this girl wanting from me seem annoying and nagging when my wife wants them. It somewhat bothers me that I crave what my mind says I already have.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude,

Either smarten up, or get out of your marriage. Speaking as someone who cheated on his wife... The path you're on can only end badly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You need to grow up and sharpen your marriage/interpersonal skills with your WIFE. EVERYONE in your family deserves better. If you do not do this, there will be pain and misery for everyone. You took the vows with your wife...NOW SACK UP!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

s'mores said:


> The fighting, or rather bickering reached a high about a year into it and we started seeing a marriage counselor, initiated by me. We established that she wanted a lot more help around the house and with the kids and that I'm also a very direct and linear person and see things in black and white terms. The counselor seemed to side with my wife or at least be able to relate to her side a lot more and I felt like I had to fend for myself, but that could just be my perception. They both agreed that the sessions seemed to be more about my wife's faults. Anyway, that proved to be more than we could afford at the time, but she did get some prescription anti-depressant out of it, which have made a very noticeable difference, even to my wife. That is the single biggest factor of our arguments becoming few and far between, even according to my wife.


This is the buried part of your post that says a lot to me. You pushed her to go to counselling, but it turned out that both she and your counselor felt that too much focus was being put on her "faults" (and, therefore, not enough on yours). Yet what was the outcome? She wound up on meds, and you stopped going to counselling. No mention of anything you did to work on your end of the marriage. No wonder she doesn't feel like ****ing you, you entitled douche. Now grow up and either leave the marriage or start being fully in it.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Well, today was (still is) rough. It started out okay enough. That girl wasn't here at work. I guess she has Tuesdays off. It was kind of a relief. I saw a status update from her on my wall with pictures of her daughter telling how all 3 of them were spending the day together with shopping and whatnot. It just solidifies the fact that there is nothing there for me, which is something I always knew, anyway.

I thought about my post here and the comments a few of you left. I was surprised and offended a little at first. But I can't disagree. Given those 2 choices I would much rather make my marriage work. I went home for lunch and told myself that I wanted to see her. She was lying down with our son and reading the "Mortal Instruments" series of books I got her for Christmas, so I just kissed her a couple times, then left.

As I was leaving I felt a very strange sense of urgency like I needed to go somewhere or do something. All I knew is that I didn't want to be still. I turned my normal talk radio off because I didn't want to listen to anything or think of anything. It would be distracting and oddly enough, I couldn't handle any distractions, which is really weird for me. If I turned left it would lead back to work. No, I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to see anyone at work and certainly didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to think of any technical problems. More distractions.

If I turned right it would lead to open country and then the larger city. I turned right, even though that way didn't offer any comfort, either, because it seemed less uncomfortable. While driving, though, I felt more and more uncomfortable like I was going the wrong way. It was like someone I loved was going getting on a plane to leave me and I wanted to stop them but was driving away from the airport. I didn't define it at the time, but looking back, it is how it felt. I just knew that driving in that direction wasn't what the feeling was telling me to do. I felt strong urges to just stop driving and get out of the car, but I was on the highway and I knew I wouldn't feel any better even if I did. I kept looking for side streets to pull onto, but every side street seemed like the wrong way. I didn't know what I was trying to do, but it seemed like I wanted to find some empty field where no one was around and get out and pace around. I just didn't want to be driving in the car anymore and didn't want to go anywhere, either.

The feeling in my chest grew and I really wanted to grip the steering wheel as hard as I could and punch something. I am NOT used to having strong feelings AT ALL. They are so foreign to me I have no idea what to do with them. My mind raced through every experience or location I could think of or imagine, desperately trying to fit it to the urge I was feeling, and none of them matched. Seeing a movie at the theater? That always makes me feel better when I'm stressed. No, I wouldn't want to sit still for that long (unusual), the movie would distract me and I didn't want that (unusual), and it would be empty and meaningless (unusual for me to care about that). Going to the coast? No, I'd be lonely and it would be boring. There is nothing there for me. Something new like going to another country? No, same as the coast. Seeing that girl? No, I don't want to talk to her. She doesn't really care about me. Being with that girl with her really caring about me? Nah, that doesn't seem like it would satisfy me right now, either. Sex? No, not in the mood. My mom or dad? Maybe I could talk to them. They genuinely care about me and have probably been through similar things and would try to help. No, they'd ultimately say the answer was God and I can never truly be happy without him. That's not what I want. Going back home and seeing my wife? No, I don't want to be inside and she is reading and probably wouldn't be able to help anyway. Having a better relationship with my wife? No, that doesn't appeal to me, either.

Without being able to think of anything and the feeling still growing and me still driving while hating the fact that I'm still driving more and more, I just started crying. I haven't cried in a long time. I can count the number of times I've cried (after childhood) on one hand. I thought that would make me feel better, but it didn't. I still had no idea what I was wanting or needing. For the first time in my life, running my car into a telephone pole seemed appealing.

I decided to turn around and head back. I didn't know where I was going, but I know the direction I was going wasn't doing anything for me. I cried off and on the whole drive and finally decided just to go home and talk to my wife. The idea certainly didn't seem like the one this feeling was telling me to do, but it seemed the least uncomfortable out of all the others. I pulled into the driveway, looked at the house, decided I really didn't want to be indoors right now, and went for a walk. Walking felt much better than driving, even though it is freezing. I felt like I had an enormous amount of pent up energy and I needed to just go sprinting it out. I didn't, because I knew it would just physically tire me out and would do nothing for the emotion I was feeling, so I just walked briskly. After a couple minutes I tried asking myself what I really want. What do I REALLY want. No analyzing or anything. Just get that out of the way and listen to what it is telling me. And it didn't tell me anything definite, but I turned around and went back to my house.

I went inside and my wife asked what was wrong. I said I needed to talk to her and figure out what I was feeling. I explained as best I could what happened when I drove and how our relationship has been and everything. I said it bugs me that I don't feel joy when I see my kids like I feel I should. I cried a couple times during it and she hugged me and cried a little but mainly just listened and looked sad. She said she's been sad for a while. She likes the idea of us trying to get closer and suggested maybe we need to make time for each other a lot more, but she says she's known me for 5 years and knows that I get fully into things for 2 weeks to a month and then lose interest and move onto something else and she worries I'll do the same thing with this. She also said her mind is telling her she needs to leave and that I maybe what I need is to be alone for a while. I haven't really been alone in 5 years.

The idea of spending more time with her doesn't really appeal to me because it is hard to imagine us having much to talk about (we usually don't want to talk about any of the same things), but the idea of them leaving and me being alone feels much worse than how I feel now. And the few times I've envisioned divorce, I can't think of anything but how her life would be after it and how much worse off she would be. It's hard for her to work, she would be way more stressed, and she's been a very loving and caring partner and mother, always thinking of others, there is no way she deserves anything like that.

I think wanting to be alone has conflicted with doing what I feel I should do long enough and having a crush brought it to my attention. My choice of action is definitely to make my marriage happier and healthier, though.

And she needed the meds. She was on them when I met her and stopped taking them because she lost her insurance. The counselor said she needed them besides our marriage issues and my wife says that little things (often things the kids would do) don't make her upset nearly as much anymore.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Marriage is in or out, there's no half marriage. Man up, chump. You're not doing your wife a favor by staying with her, what an arrogant thing to think.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

So I was at work until 8 writing that last post and really didn't mean to be, so as soon as I realized what time it was I called my wife to let her know I was coming home and didn't realize how late it was. Normally I would just go home without calling and normally she would call before then asking when I'm coming home. She didn't answer and I left a voicemail, then called again and still no answer.

I got home and she was sitting in her chair reading. She seemed pretty unresponsive, but not in a cold way. She seemed hurt and like she didn't want to be hurt more and just nodded when I said I loved her. I asked if she just wanted me to let her read and she nodded.

A bit later she said that the babysitter was wondering if we still needed her for Saturday (apparently my wife made plans for us to get away for a day) and I said, "Yes!" She said, "Are you sure? Saturday's a ways away. A lot can happen in that time." I said I was sure but I don't think she is. I asked about dinner since she had texted me a new Olive Garden menu item and she said she didn't go and wasn't asking if I wanted it, she was just showing me something they emailed to her to see if it was something I might ever want, and that if she had gotten it, it would have been long cold by now and that she made dinner and everyone already ate. The way she said it indicated that at least part of her upset was over how late I came home. Then she got up and went in our room and closed the door. I went in and asked if she wanted to be left alone. I know it should seem obvious to me, but I didn't know if she was just wanting to feel pursued or not. She just shrugged and looked depressed. She started getting her pajamas on and I asked if she was going to bed. She said she was, then saw that it was 9 and said it was pretty early for me to be going to bed (normally she goes anywhere between 9 and 12 depending on how she's feeling and what is on TV and I've been on the computer until 1 to 3 doing whatever I'm currently into). I hadn't eaten and was feeling hungry, so I said I'd need to at least eat first before I came to bed. She acknowledged and continued getting ready, but I noticed she kept herself covered at all times like she has when we've had fights before.

I went back out to eat my cold dinner and she closed the door again. My son got up and wanted to lie in our bed because he says he sleeps better in there and said he would go back to his bed when I got in there. I let him. I looked at the food and immediately turned away. I was hungry, but the anxiety had started again and made me not want to eat. I went back to my computer and read some other stories on here. Tried to eat again and felt the same way, so I returned here. I heard my wife and son start laughing a bunch like they were tickling and that made me feel glad, but I also worried that my presence would ruin it. I forced myself to eat a couple bites, then went to bed at 10. My son had been laughing at his hiccups and my wife was laughing at him laughing. I got in bed, but the anxiety made it very difficult to lie there. I'm also not used to going to bed that early and wasn't really sleepy, though I was tired from the events of the day.

I stood up and intended to do some kitchen cleanup as a helpful way of making myself more tired, but surprisingly to me I ended up just sitting on my wife's side of the bed. She asked what I was doing and I said I was really unused to strong feelings and I don't know what to do with them and it was really difficult to lie down. She told our son it was time for him to go to his own bed. I didn't know what she was going to do. After he went, she didn't do anything except told me to take some of her Melatonin because it helps. I did and lay on my back, but the anxiety still made it hard to. I asked what she thinks will happen between now and Saturday and she didn't know. I asked what she fears will happen and she didn't know.

I rolled and faced her back and reached out to put my arm around her or rub her back or SOMETHING, but something in me prevented me from doing so. I felt like I personally wanted to, but like some other part of me wasn't letting me. I've never felt that before and didn't know what was going on. It was the same as being hungry and wanting to eat, but being unable to. So instead I rolled back over and the anxiety really started. It seemed like it came from the conflict of wanting to but being unable to physically connect with my wife. It was very frustrating and confusing and I wanted to get up, but getting up wouldn't have been any better so I just lay there thinking for a while.

I imagined being there alone because my wife had left or something and for the first time the idea didn't seem so bad. She rolled over suddenly and put her arm around me and although it was physically a little uncomfortable, especially with the suffocating feeling of the anxiety, a part of me was also comforted by it and it was enough to override the other. Eventually she rolled back over and I was physically relieved, but also still comforted that it had happened and she was just going to sleep, not upset at me.

I woke up on my own at 4:40 this morning, which is very unusual. Normally I sleep until 8. My wife was stirring and I wanted to turn and cuddle with her, but the thing inside me stopped me short again and I was unable to. It really needs to stop doing that. I've never had a problem connecting physically with my wife before, no matter what else was going on. I felt uneasy lying there but couldn't tell if I just wasn't tired, if it was nerves, or I was hungry. I got up and came into the living room and naturally started pacing, but strangely that didn't help at all. I realized I felt too tired to pace but also hungry and too nervous to stay still. So I got online to type this and I feel a little more relaxed and not nearly as tired, but still hungry and still too nervous to eat.

As I'm writing this, though, when I thought about my wife leaving, it felt very bad again. I hear my wife stirring and I have an urge to go in there and lie down and snuggle with her, but some other part says, "No, the snuggling will be in vain and you'll just be disappointed and none of the possible outcomes of that will be something you want." And then I imagine snuggling and her being asleep and not responding and it feeling for naught. And then I imagine her being awake but just lying there and even if she enjoys it, it not being enough. Even the best scenario of her smiling and turning over and snuggling back doesn't appeal to me. Why can't I just do it!? Nothing sounds good. Sex doesn't. Masturbating doesn't. Nothing does! No idea I can think of now sounds good and everything sounds like the wrong thing. Just for the sake of finding something I try to think of the girl at work and immediately that notion is very unappealing. I know only emptiness lies there and I don't feel that when I think of my wife, but I also don't feel fulfillment.

It's like right now I'm -1. I need to do something that puts me at least at 0, out of the negative. Zero is bored, not doing or feeling anything, but I can remain there if I need to. At -1 I can't relax and need to do something else. Typing this and talking to people about it puts me at 0 and looking forward to input, feedback, and answers is starting on positive 1. But once I'm done typing, I can tell I'll be at -1 again. Getting up is -1. Eating is -2. Going to bed is -1. Snuggling is -1. Being with that girl is -4. Leaving wife or her leaving me is -4. Staying here online and distracting myself with something seems like it will keep me at -1, or 0 at best (usually it would be in the high positive numbers), but I want to go back to bed and be warm and don't want my wife to be alone while I'm on the computer anymore and I'll be tired at work. But those that's are -2. Everything else is stupid -2. I wish I could just get over whatever the hell this is and go snuggle with my ****ing wife!

It also doesn't help that I'm starting my bored rut in which I lost interest in the thing I was really into last and haven't found something else to be into yet. I get really restless and bored during those times unless the new interest overlaps with the old one, and for this to happen at the same time I think is really devastating to me. I'm really confused and conflicted. I want to do what I think is right and spend time with my wife and kids and fix our relationship, but I feel worse when I attempt to, yet feel just as bad when I pull away. I hate this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

s'mores, are you an engineer? Or perhaps an IT guy?

I ask because your posts scream of the sort of extremely analytical, overanalyzing, focused problem solving, linear, black/white, mindset that is great for dealing with things and usually not so great for people. Folks like that tend to gravitate to the sciences, tech and engineering fields. 

Also, that tendency your wife mentions where you throw yourself into something for 2 weeks, then drop it like a hot rock sounds like ADHD. As does what you describe of your drive and walk, and your general, unidentified, discontent with your life and your family. Is that a possibility? Do you often start but not finish things? Have a tendency to focus totally on something for a while but then lose interest? Easily bored, always need something new to keep you occupied? Impulse control issues, time management issues, or a hard time remaining interested in one subject or activity or person for a long period of time? 

Or do you swing from depressed/down/bored state to the sort of manic state you've been both exhibiting and describing in your posts here? 

You don't sound like you think the problems in your marriage have much to do with you. You also went to counseling to figure out what was wrong with your wife, and don't seem to have done much work on what you might be contributing to the dynamic in your marriage. Let me assure you that at least half of what's wrong with your marriage stems from you. If for no other reason than you are an equal contributor to the martial dynamic. But to be frank, you sound scattered and somewhat lacking in both self-awareness and empathy. And ADHD. You sound _very_ ADHD.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You're writing these long narrative posts chronicling your feelings from minute to minute. It's not helpful to you or your marriage. Marriage is commitment. If you want to stay in your marriage, or ANY marriage, you have to push through momentary negative feelings sometimes. You're writing a lot of text but it's telling me very little other than the fact that you obsess on every tiny impulse you feel.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, are both of the kids yours? I ask because you said in the original post you have been married for 3 years and together for another 3, but you have a 9 and 5 year old. If the eldest is from a previous relationship is that someone you are pining for still?

Also instead of giving us copious notes on your day tell us more about what she doesn’t do for you. No offense but I don’t see much where she is a problem. She went to counseling, seemed to admit there was some disconnect and that things were to be worked on, and provided comfort to you when you were having a night of anxiety. What are your faults or things you think you have to work on? From what I gathered here you have never though your wife was attractive and was glad to have sex with her early on just so you could get some. Do you honestly believe she never picks up on that from you with your actions? So you started to flirt with someone at work, what happened if she perused you? Was that going to lead to an affair because it seems if she would have been interested you were all in.

Marriage is a lot of work and read TAM you will see that. But you seem to not really love your wife or respect her all that much. Probably best thing for you and her is to move on. It will be better for the both of you.

I dont mean to be insensitive to your problems, just not clear what you are looking for. Good luck to you all the same.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Rowan said:


> s'mores, are you an engineer? Or perhaps an IT guy?
> 
> I ask because your posts scream of the sort of extremely analytical, overanalyzing, focused problem solving, linear, black/white, mindset that is great for dealing with things and usually not so great for people. Folks like that tend to gravitate to the sciences, tech and engineering fields.


Yes, systems administrator.



> Also, that tendency your wife mentions where you throw yourself into something for 2 weeks, then drop it like a hot rock sounds like ADHD. As does what you describe of your drive and walk, and your general, unidentified, discontent with your life and your family. Is that a possibility? Do you often start but not finish things? Have a tendency to focus totally on something for a while but then lose interest? Easily bored, always need something new to keep you occupied? Impulse control issues, time management issues, or a hard time remaining interested in one subject or activity or person for a long period of time?


I have lots of work in progress things. Sometimes I get back into it and work more on it for a while. I'm easily bored and always need something to occupy, but I can usually find something easily as well. Yes, all of that applies and I very well could have ADHD, I never considered that.



> Or do you swing from depressed/down/bored state to the sort of manic state you've been both exhibiting and describing in your posts here?


I only get depressed/down/bored when I've lost interest in one thing and haven't found the next thing yet. It doesn't happen that often because there are usually several things I can pick from or I'm dabbling in several things at once so combined they last a lot longer than 2 weeks. The only times I felt the manic state were:

2002: Coming home from spending 2 weeks with the online girl (and her family) I felt in love with.

2004: After coming home from spending 1 week with same girl, her finally agreeing to date me, then everything being ruined by me peeking at her naked and destroying everything we ever had.

2005 or 2006: After a girl I met on a dating site told me she decided to go for the other guy she was seeing because I wasn't affectionate enough and she felt like she was just leading me on.

2008: When my current wife, then girlfriend, looked at my Facebook messages after I told her the girl from 2002/2004 was trying to reconnect with me since we had been best friends before the incident. My old friend seemed really depressed and I was trying to make her feel better. My wife thought I was trying to get back with her and felt emotionally cheated on since she thought I still loved her, which I didn't. My wife left and went to a friend's house and didn't talk to me for a few days and I was out of my mind. I've never felt happier than when she came back, but she says things have never been the same and she still worries about that girl even though I never talk to her or about her anymore. I never even think about her.

And then yesterday.



> You don't sound like you think the problems in your marriage have much to do with you. You also went to counseling to figure out what was wrong with your wife, and don't seem to have done much work on what you might be contributing to the dynamic in your marriage.


I know the problem is from me. I don't think it is from my wife at all. She has done everything any spouse should. I mean there are things I wish were different like I wish she was more open to things I'm into like I try to show for things she is into. I see the problems I contribute as not being attentive or affectionate and putting her 2nd place to things I'm interested in. I have tried and tried to stop that, but I just end up being bored and miserable and she can read everything I am and feel and doesn't want me to do that. I know it's not fair to her but I do it without thinking about it and have always done it to everyone I know and love. The amount I like being around anyone, including family and friends, is directly related to how many things we like doing together and like talking about, and those are few and far between with my wife, so most of my time spent with her has been because I know she wants my company. And I know she can tell that, but I don't know what else to do.



John Lee said:


> You're writing these long narrative posts chronicling your feelings from minute to minute. It's not helpful to you or your marriage. Marriage is commitment. If you want to stay in your marriage, or ANY marriage, you have to push through momentary negative feelings sometimes. You're writing a lot of text but it's telling me very little other than the fact that you obsess on every tiny impulse you feel.


This is not the norm. This is because of this crazy anxiety I've felt and dumping my mind for others to read or doing it verbally for others to hear is the only thing that relieves it. I know that marriage isn't all happy times. I've had lots of unhappy times and arguments with her. I've always pushed through them and tried to make it better. I always felt like the only one trying to fix anything where she would just want to sweep it under the rug and go to sleep to start a new day.

It's just that with this happening, it is so unusual to me and so unclear to me what it is telling me that all I know what to do is overanalyze to figure out what I'm feeling. I have always been committed to her no matter what happened. This is the first time I'm questioning it and it feels like some foreign force inside me is the source of the questioning and I'm wondering why and what to do.



Eagle3 said:


> OP, are both of the kids yours? I ask because you said in the original post you have been married for 3 years and together for another 3, but you have a 9 and 5 year old. If the eldest is from a previous relationship is that someone you are pining for still?


The 9-year-old is from my wife's previous marriage. I don't have anyone I'm pining for and haven't since I met my wife.



> Also instead of giving us copious notes on your day tell us more about what she doesn't do for you. No offense but I don’t see much where she is a problem. She went to counseling, seemed to admit there was some disconnect and that things were to be worked on, and provided comfort to you when you were having a night of anxiety.


I don't think she is the problem. She has some things that have contributed to the problem, but I don't think they are her fault and don't blame her for them. Nevertheless, the problem was still caused and still had the same effect. The counselor determined that she had a rough childhood and life and had a lot of trust issues and things to work on for herself, but was very sweet and kind and caring and gave of herself, even too much so.

I've always just lacked a real connection with her. I'm completely bored with what she wants to talk about and she gets annoyed with what I want to. She's said before that we have nothing in common and we should never have gotten married.



> What are your faults or things you think you have to work on?


See above.



> From what I gathered here you have never though your wife was attractive and was glad to have sex with her early on just so you could get some. Do you honestly believe she never picks up on that from you with your actions?


No, she knows I never had a crush on her and she was the one who thought I was cute and wanted something new. I didn't know at the time but she was still married to her ex when we first slept together and had only moved out of his place a week prior, though she says in her mind they were separated for the last year.

I know she doesn't think I've ever found her attractive, even though I used to flirt with her and compliment her all the time. She always thought I was just pretending, which I guess I was, but I really tried to convince myself to make it true. She would say things like, "How can you find me beautiful? I don't believe you because I look in the mirror and can't believe how anyone would think I'm beautiful."

And I'm at work all week and she's at home all week, so on the weekends she wants to go out and I want to stay at home. But I feel bad staying home while she goes out because she wants to be with me since she has missed me all week. So she'll ask if I'm coming and I usually don't want to. I used to agree to right away but in later years felt like I needed time alone more strongly and would opt to stay home. It would visibly disappoint her since she wanted to be with me and I would often change my mind and go, but she would know I didn't really want to. I would insist and it would turn into a fight with me stubbornly getting into the car and not getting out. But even if I agreed right away she always knew or assumed I wanted to stay home (even times when I really wanted to go), and felt guilty for making me do something I didn't want to, and it would always be in the back of her mind. So if I complained about anything, like how another car was driving or anything, she would take it as I'm in a bad mood because I don't want to go and she would say I should have stayed home because I'm ruining it for her.

A typical day after work is I come home, the kids are running around and my wife is watching TV, making dinner, or doing dishes. I either help with dishes, watch TV with her, or go on my computer. She's usually yelling at the kids to clean up their toys, yelling to stop playing and eat, yelling to finish eating, and yelling to get ready for bed and stop playing around. I help about half the time. Then she either goes to our room or to her chair in the living room and reads, plays games on her iPad, or watches TV if we have a show on, or cleans up the kitchen. If we have a movie from Netflix then she sometimes wants to watch that. It used to be me who always wanted to watch one and she would want to do something else because we always watch movies and it's not very personal. Lately, however, she's been the one to push watching one, saying things like, "Well, let's watch this thing and get it out of the way," and says there is nothing else for us to do since we don't have anything in common and if we talk it will probably end up in a fight. Then says if I don't turn it on she's going to go to bed.

We used to go to the movies twice a month. We used to... wow, here comes that strong anxiety again. First time I really felt it today. Remembering the good is causing it. I felt pretty good this morning and cuddled with her even though it felt kind of empty. Anyway, we used to take weekends and go to the coast a lot. I used to try to involve her in everything I did and tried to do everything she wanted. Over time I learned that she didn't enjoy most of the things I did and more and more I realized she just felt forced to do things she didn't like, so I stopped and just did things on my own more. I think a combination of that and the sex becoming less and less enjoyable (for her and therefore for me) we just stopped trying to be a couple.



> So you started to flirt with someone at work, what happened if she perused you? Was that going to lead to an affair because it seems if she would have been interested you were all in.


I don't know what would happen. I've never had anyone pursue me besides my wife. I hadn't even seriously considered any further than right at the moment. I would like to say that I would stop it before it became serious, but I honestly don't know. Well, I do know that I'd never go on a date with her or go to her house or something. Besides having to lie and hide where I'm going (which would be too much for me), I would feel guilty the whole time and be thinking of my wife and kids back home alone while I'm abandoning them to get something I should want from my wife. I already play cards on Friday nights with my brother and friends once in a while and she hates when I do that (and I feel guilty every time) because I'm at work all week and am on my computer when I get home. I've been on my computer a lot more lately than I used to be and I think she's finally stopped caring or at least stopped hoping.

But with the appearance of this girl, I think it triggered me to notice everything that is wrong. Even if she pursued me, I think it would still have triggered this and I'd be in the same boat, only with extra stress. I don't want to choose this girl over my wife. I will not have an affair, period. I really wish everything could go back to how it was when my wife and I were happier together and wanted to spend time with each other. When we enjoyed each other's company. I know it will be work and a lot of it will have to be on my end to show her I mean what I say and it will probably be an uphill battle up to her without her giving much encouragement for a while.

The problem is being motivated to do it. I should be motivated and I'm always motivated toward a goal I desire. But it's more like I desire the idea of being happy with her, but not the reality of it. I want to be happy with her but I'm afraid that once we get there, I still won't be happy. It always came easy for me to do things for her that I knew she would like. I would look forward to her being happy. It's not easy anymore. It seems pointless to me, like spending a lot of time and effort building a sandcastle. It bugs me that I feel that way and I really wish I didn't. I'm hoping that it is like when someone wants me to go hang out with them and I don't want to and dread it, yet when I finally go I enjoy it much more than I would just staying home. I just want to relax and know that everything is okay with my wife and I. I want to want her. I want to love her. I want to want to do things with her and for her. I feel like I don't want to do the one thing that I want to do. I don't care about attractiveness. She's attractive enough. I just feel like I've been content finding enjoyment in other things so much that I can't get back to finding it in her. And I want to but I don't know how.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

tl/dr. You're not doing a woman you don't love any favors by staying with her. If you want to mutually stay together "for the kids" that's up to you, but that has to be mutual.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you probably need to speak to someone, perhaps a psychologist, about some of what's going on. Your posts speak of mood swings, being easily bored, anxiety, manic periods, lack of boundaries, poor self-awareness, lack of empathy, and just generally being all over the place. I think there is probably more going on here than we on an anonymous forum, or even your average marriage counselor, is equipped to tackle. 

I'm not saying you're the whole problem. I'm not saying your wife is blameless at all. But I will say that it's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is as scattered as you appear to be.


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