# Feeling like a doormat... please help



## PureLove (Jan 20, 2013)

I am at the 5 months mark from D-day and feel ashamed to have desperately held on to my WH and our M in spite of his affair with a younger woman he said he loved as well as several ONS. 

I fear that I am being a doormat by taking him back even though he hasn't done what is expected from a truly remorseful WH. He has been transparent and answered all my questions but has not agreed to NC with OW until she decided to cease contact weeks after dday.

Since OW has been out of our lives for good, my WH has been trying hard to reconcile with me but I know that he still thinks about her and I feel like second best. How can I ever feel special again to him after this?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, do go after the OW and drive her off.

Post her on cheaterville.com as a cheater.

Feed your husband lots of fatty food and pile the pounds on him.

Take control of the finances and don't give him spending money to spend on her.

Soon she will realize he is a fat, cheap looser who got her publicly humiliated on the Internet and she will dump him.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

PureLove said:


> ?
> 
> I know that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings but his betrayal and the love and lust he had for OW is killing me!


Wow! Lady, I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. It must be just horrible and painful. But in your panic and wounded spirit you are not seeing things very clearly. 

He has hurt your feelings. 
Badly. 
On purpose. 
Repeatedly.

This man hss no spine. No integrity and he has no regard for you. None at all.

Tell him to leave YOUR home and to give you an address where you can have a deputy serve him divorce papers.

Click on the two links on my sig line.


----------



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

You would probably feel better if you at least got your self-respect back by sticking up for yourself. You can't go back in time and change the fact that you agreed he could remain friends but at least for show you could adamantly state that you changed your mind and that if in the future, even months or years down the line she recontacts him, he is not allowed to respond in anyway or you will initiate divorce. 

Tell him he is not to speak her name again, or even give you the impression that he is thinking about her. If he has to get over her, that's his problem and you are not going to be there to support him for betraying you. Tell him you are starting to resent him and if he doesn't put more effort into making you feel loved and appreciated he will end up with no one.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

PureLove said:


> I am at the 5 months mark from D-day and feel ashamed to have desperately held on to my WH and our M in spite of his 18 month affair with a younger woman he said he loved as well as multiple ONS.
> 
> I feel that I'm being a doormat for taking him back even though he has not done what is expected from a truly remorseful WH. He has been honest and open with me, answered all my questions, but has not agreed to NC with OW. He even told me that he wants to remain friends with her. I was so scared of losing him that I let him contact her as long as our M and family always comes first and that their friendship never turns back into an A.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what happened with my wife and I.

I was the wayward, though it was an EA (yes, I loved her...as a friend...or whatever. It was love, end of story). I fell out of love with my wife.

She gave me an ultimatum in...October of 2011. I said she wasn't worth losing my best friend over. She stepped back...(I'm sure I have your full sympathy, but bear with me)

Essentially, I was in contact with my friend for 4 more months. It was only email communications and my wife continued to make small reasonable demands ("Spend more time with me." "Only contact her a couple of times a week" "Don't spend HOURS IMing her..." "Give your family equal time") until finally I went totally NC.

I didn't love my wife. I didn't think it would work. I mourned the loss of my friend very much.

But...we are in the middle of recovery. I have found the love of for my wife. It can happen.

Yes you feel awful and if he hadn't made any concessions at all, I'd say run. But...this is similar to my experience and it CAN get better.

He can emotionally reconnect with you and he'll wonder what the hell he was thinking.

I do.

What you want is hope, and a story where you don't feel like a sap.

I can tell you there can be hope.


----------



## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

PureLove, I say this with respect, but you are looking at this all wrong. I feel comfortable saying that as someone who made some of the same mistakes and am just waking up to the fact I had a false reconciliation and got badly burned for it.

I made the mistake of seeing reconciliation as a time where I should double down on improving my side of the marriage, which I see now, truly wasn't that bad to begin with as I'm a good catch and a good husband. My wife on the other hand, did nothing on her side but use the opportunity to face her fears and take her time to comforably detach from the marriage, continually blaming me for the problems in the marriage and guilting me into believing it. That culminated in the final blow of her detachment and disregard for everything I thought was so important by taking yet another affair on.

So here I am, she is emotionally detached now, and I just had the rug swept out from under me and am having to deal with all those emotions and fears, alone, while she has someone to comfort her.

PLEASE don't make the same mistake I made. Start protecting yourself now, see that you did nothing wrong, he did. You don't need to fix or try to improve anything right now, he does. Your job is to begin detaching from the marriage and getting your ducks in a row. Begin imagining and getting comfortable with the idea of your life without him in it. Take the advice given to me in counseling and pretend he died, because the man you thought you married did. What is left isn't him. I mean ask yourself, is this something you thought the man you maried would be doing to you? That's because what's in your head doesn't match up with the reality.

I'm not saying there is no hope of fixing things, but the ONLY way forward, the only fair thing for you AND the kids right now, is to begin facing the pain and tragedy now of this marriage ending, so that you will be in a better position later on and no longer at the mercy of his whims. Don't show him your hand, don't let on bluntly that you are detaching, but start doing it now. 

Good luck...


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think often this boils down to the personalities of the two people involved in the marriage. There is a script to infidelity, but the different flavors depend on the particular people.

JCD has described his skepticism at the idea that he could fall back in love with his W & how that has actually been happening. There are also many stories about false reconciliation where the dynamic simply doesn't change or gets worse.

For my personality, I wouldn't stay in a marriage where my H stated that he was in love with someone else. I would be out because, for me, life is too short, I guess, and my pride wouldn't permit it. If you are the sort of personality who either is willing to take your H however he offers himself to you or has patience and the hope that he will return to you emotionally, then you should stay and try to get him to really work on his end.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> This is exactly what happened with my wife and I.
> 
> I was the wayward, though it was an EA (yes, I loved her...as a friend...or whatever. It was love, end of story). I fell out of love with my wife.
> 
> ...


Just curious, JCD. You now feel love for your W again. Is this a zero sum game for you? Or do you now feel that you are in love with two women?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need feel no shame!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> For my personality, I wouldn't stay in a marriage where my H stated that he was in love with someone else. I would be out because, for me, life is too short, I guess, and my pride wouldn't permit it. If you are the sort of personality who either is willing to take your H however he offers himself to you or has patience and the hope that he will return to you emotionally, then you should stay and try to get him to really work on his end.


This. After the first shock I didn't hesitate to start making moves to divorce my wife. That was the natural thing to do. ANd she agreed to it.
When she asked me to stop the divorce I asked about OM, she told me she didn't love him anymore, realized she never loved him as she loved me. She mistoke what she felt. Taht was bull, she fell in love but I decided I could wait (given OM was out of the picture since DDay) fort her to prove it. She had to prove me for six months that was true. Six months of consistence, while I mainly toke cake or myself, before dedicing to reconcile with her, until I finnaly agreed, accepted that was true.
If I believed my wife was pinning for her OM i'd divorce her right away.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PureLove,

You have no reason to feel ashamed or like a doormat. Instead you seem to be a wonderfully loving wife who if fighting tooth and nail for your marriage. Think of yourself as an amazon woman in this regard. You are fiercely protecting your marriage and your children.

It’s a fight in which you have not always gotten the support and love you need from your husband, but you forge ahead anyway knowing that you are on the right path. If he is not on that path with you, it’s his fault not yours. He alone is responsible for his wrong path.

Do some things that are very good for you and your self-esteem. Maybe go to a day spa (or a longer one if you can afford it). Get the full work-up: massage, waxing, hair, brows, nails. Go out and get some new clothing that makes you feel like a diva. A person can often completely change their look with a few key pieces. 

A person is responsible for maintaining their own self esteem. Go out and do what you need to do to get it back.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If he was truly into your marriage and into reconciliation, everything they shared would be colored with guilt and shame but it isn't is it? 

Nope - not even a little. Instead he continues to keep that door wide open. But giving you the illusion that the door is closing. 

Don't let your foolish heart rule over your brain. It'll only hurt you further. 


See a lawyer about obtaining a legal separation. You will find out which side of the fence he'll go to. At the moment, his body is in your house but his mind, spirit and emotions are with someone else. And, frankly you don't really know that he isn't meeting her in person - in secret. 

Take time to compose yourself. Take a 6 month legal separation - it's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> JCD has described his skepticism at the idea that he could fall back in love with his W & how that has actually been happening. There are also many stories about false reconciliation where the dynamic simply doesn't change or gets worse.



I obviously miswrote. What I was saying is that it is very unlikely that he will recover his feelings for his wife immediately. It took me a number of months, at least 6 to reconnect to her.

And I couldn't 'switch off' the other woman just like that. It has mostly happened (she wasn't a bad woman. In fact, in many ways she was very nice. But my actions were wrong and disrespectful to my wife). It will probably be the same as this guy. It takes time and determination to reconnect with the spouse...on both sides.


So two points

Reestablishing the relationship takes time both to get the OW out of his system and to get the wife INTO his system.

It is possible to do this. Whether it is worth the effort is up to the OP.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Just curious, JCD. You now feel love for your W again. Is this a zero sum game for you? Or do you now feel that you are in love with two women?


You always ask difficult questions.

I was in multiple hour of fun conversation and contact with the OM...so ALL of my memories with her are good. I am sophisticated enough to read between the lines on her internet persona and see some of the real her...but as far as WE went, it was all cream.

Who can compete with that? That is not a real relationship. If my entire relationship with my wife was dinner and dancing with sex thrown in, it would be wonderful...and a fantasy. The relationship with the OW was a fantasy.

But...she was a friend when I was really down. Horribly down. Pathetically down. Grace on the cheap, I know. So I will always have fond memories of her.

If my heart was a plastic container, it's full of my wife and kids. But the OW impacted me and pushed her own niche in my system which my family doesn't fill. She is no longer there, but the void she created was left behind. I am uninterested in refilling that void but it's there.

Does that answer the question?


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

alte dame is very good at asking the hard questions, isn't she?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> Does that answer the question?


Probably as much as it can be answered. I don't want to threadjack too much, so I won't go off on a toot. Will just say that I've had a number of special people in my life who were absolutely singular and brought value. I hope for them the feeling was mutual. And my H and I both know that we don't fulfill all of one another's needs or desires. For me it's not a zero sum game such that if I love one person I can't love another. Rather, it's that if I love and am committed to one person, that I stay all in so that the balance isn't disturbed, i.e., that there isn't a critical mass of niches being filled by someone other than me or my spouse.

(Don't know if this makes sense. Hard to articulate.)


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Probably as much as it can be answered. I don't want to threadjack too much, so I won't go off on a toot. Will just say that I've had a number of special people in my life who were absolutely singular and brought value. I hope for them the feeling was mutual. And my H and I both know that we don't fulfill all of one another's needs or desires. For me it's not a zero sum game such that if I love one person I can't love another. Rather, it's that if I love and am committed to one person, that I stay all in so that the balance isn't disturbed, i.e., that there isn't a critical mass of niches being filled by someone other than me or my spouse.
> 
> (Don't know if this makes sense. Hard to articulate.)


I'm going to continue the jack for one more post to explain myself better and to hopefully communicate some truths to Pure Love.

First I need a visual aid for my heart: 










This stands for what I think you are talking about, alte Dame. Most people have a mix of seperate 'love liquids' in there (no jokes...they are obvious)

I have my siblings, my work, my friends, my wife and Her all in the same container, but distinct and seperate.

And this is how I...I hesitate to use the word 'rationalize' because it implies wrongness. It seemed sensible to me that my feelings for Her and my wife were different. I can love my best friend, my kids, and my wife at the same time, right?

Well, yes and no. See...as a person married, you need to check out the levels of love in your glass. My wife had fallen woefully short in both adding more liquid (excoriate me if you will, but it was the truth) and I was gleefull adding Her to the mix as much as I could. She started to push out a bunch of the other liquids as well.

So the balance of liquids got WAY off kilter...so much so that there wasn't much left of the wife in the glass.

Now, Pure Love, this is how it applies to you. Your husband is draining that b*tch out of his glass. You are still in his glass...but there will be a large void and he will feel the gap. I'm hoping you and the kids can step in and fill that void. Now, there will always be a residue of my friend in my glass, but I'm trying to watch the liquid levels more carefully.

Yes he was wrong for pouring that other liquid in in those quantities (he was not wrong to seek other relationships PERIOD...but his boundaries were WAY off) but you say you want to R so this is how you do it. Fill him up to the top with you and the kids. Be there!


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Excellent post JCD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Pure Love

I am going to add to Ele Girl’s post.

*Your absolute number one priority should be to build yourself up. 
DO NOT view this as selfish; it is more like survival!!!*


Your husband’s actions have torn you down and you need to build yourself up so that you can be stronger to help rebuild your marriage if that is what you are going to do.

No one can tell if your husband is going to work at your marriage so *by you building yourself up you will be in better shape to rebuild or end your marriage relationship with him.*

Make a plan, get help, and get emotional support from family, friends, your faith family, etc. Your chances of being alive 5-10-20 years from now are very good; you will be that much older with or without your husband. Make sure that you have built yourself up; you have lots of time for that. It is sad but you and you alone are responsible for your life and you cannot afford to put a lot of your life in your husband’s hands. He has shown you what he is capable of doing. If he turns out to work on the marriage and becomes a good husband then you will have frosting for your cake. If he does not you will still have a life.


You have made a mistake in how you responded to his actions in the past in terms of helping him become accountable and respectful to you. That in no way makes you any where close to being in anyway responsible for his horrible actions that he alone decided on. A very good book on your situation is “Love Must Be Tough, HOPE for a marriage in crises” by James Dobson, PhD. This book deals with respect, accountability and door mats with lots of possible hope.

You sound like a very good person that has been trampled on. *You now deserve to concentrate on you and your children until you are much stronger.*

Get all the help you can here and anywhere else. You need to get stronger and your children need you to be stronger.


----------

