# I have some honest (but embarassing) questions



## saddgirl (Jul 23, 2014)

Hi. I'm new here and have a few things I'm trying to work through. I hope someone will help me out as I'm a verbal processor. I have a very low libido but find that if I read sexy stories it really helps me out. But I feel bad and dirty after I read them, even though it leads to some really good sex. Because of these bad feelings, I don't often partake in that activity. Rationally, I know it's okay to read it - I'm an adult. But I feel guilty afterwards. Is it normal for woman to look at sexual material for arousal? Am I a bad person because I need a little help?

Also, how do you deal with having sex when your teenagers are in the next room (their bedrooms). I know they know about sex but it makes me feel humiliated or embarrassed if they were to know what we were doing. Which I know is silly because they should want to see the door shut as often as possible because it means mom and dad's marriage is good. But still....

I want to have a higher sex drive, are there any tips to get there? I find that I normally don't want to have sex, don't even think about it but I like it when we do have it and so does my husband. What I mean is that most of the time it's pretty good. I really don't know what my issue is. I never want to have it but usually when I give in, I like it. I'd like to want it before he touches me and not have to "give in". 

Any advice or support would be appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Sounds like a few things are going on.

First, were you brought up really religious? You say you feel really guilty reading stories and then having sex. It sounds like you are sexually repressed. Many women are. It's how we are brought up. It's wrong to sleep around, it's wrong to be adventurous, etc. That's not what wins a husband. Being "good" and moral does. 

Second, how old are your teens? I'm sure that as long as you aren't screaming the windows out, they may not even care what you're doing. If they do, I'm sure they aren't going to talk with you about it. If they make fun of you, well...at least you were having a good time right? No need to be embarrassed about having sex with your H. It's a perk of marriage. 

It sounds like you've mentally blocked yourself, at least in part, from wanting to have sex due to guilty feelings and worrying about your children. 

Are you still sexually attracted to your H? 

Reading the books to get turned on is the equivalent of him watching porn to get turned on to have sex with you. It's an ego/sex killer. If the books are keeping you from getting turned on to your H on your own, you do need to throw them out. They are purely fantasy. Focus on what's real and in front of you.

Part of what keeps me high drive is the fact that my H is sooooo incredibly sexy. I can't stop staring at him sometimes. I find him sexually attractive. That's really important. 

You would need to learn to let go a little. That takes time. It takes some getting used to. I used to be very skiddish about sex. I also felt guilty even thinking about it. Over time of trying one new thing every day (initiating, wearing something sexy, new position, etc) I let all of that go. I have more fun now that I don't have to worry about anything other than what I am doing in that moment.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Don't feel bad. My guess is that MOST people arrive at marriage with *some* oddness hardwired into their brains regarding sex. And it definitely takes time to unlearn those habits in order to enjoy a full, complete, and intimate sex drive with your spouse.

I know a guy who could only get turned on when his wife was smashed-out-of-her-skull drunk. Like, so drunk she couldn't remember the sex the next day. Lest you worry, he wasn't an abuser...he just had some very specific things that pushed his buttons. You can imagine how annoying this was for his wife!

And another guy that was still a virgin when he got married. His whole life he had only self-satisfied to porn at the computer, and had the devil of a time trying to get used to actual sex with a real woman. The equipment wouldn't work because none of the same signals were firing that he was used to. 

I was a little like you. I read a few things from time to time, but mostly I wrote the stories myself, letting them spool out in my head while I, erm, took matters into my own hands. I had a high sex drive and wanted it all the time, but even after I got married, I'd send my brain away during the act, running my favorite story loops over and over in order to achieve orgasm. I did not really understand being sexually attracted to another person, or being "in the moment" with him.

Fortunately, the brain is plastic, its responses Pavlovian. You CAN retrain yourself, in a variety of ways. You may decide to go "cold turkey" with the reading material, focusing instead on trying to enjoy your bodies sensations during sex, trying to get there without your old crutches. Or you might try a more gradual slope - maybe taking the books to bed and reading them together with your husband while you enjoy the fantasies together. 

That's kind of what I did - I started sharing my internal stories with my husband during sex, telling them frame-by-frame as we did the act. (It was a huge turn on for him, too, by the way). Gradually we started creating stories and fantasies together during sex, and that made me so hot for him I can't even describe it to you. We still do this together sometimes for spice, but I don't need it anymore. Our sex is exciting just because it is, which is something I couldn't have said before. 

About your low sex drive...that is what it is, and you may not be able to do much about it. Have you asked your doctor if she can help? Has it always been this low, or is life stress getting in between you and your natural desire? When you are struggling with "wanting" to have sex, it might help to think of it like you would a hot shower - it feels good once you start, but you kind of have to make yourself do it, build it into your routine, because unless I'm mistaken you don't walk around craving a hot shower during the day.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Before I respond, I want you to know that I'm a man.



saddgirl said:


> Hi. I'm new here and have a few things I'm trying to work through. I hope someone will help me out as I'm a verbal processor. I have a very low libido but find that if I read sexy stories it really helps me out. But I feel bad and dirty after I read them, even though it leads to some really good sex. Because of these bad feelings, I don't often partake in that activity. Rationally, I know it's okay to read it - I'm an adult. But I feel guilty afterwards. Is it normal for woman to look at sexual material for arousal? Am I a bad person because I need a little help?


Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Even if you were to watch porn as well.

HOWEVER, have you and your husband talked about some of the things that he can do to get you going? Foreplay, things that he can do prior to sex (around house etc).......things that might trigger you while you watch him etc.

I think you should consider these things on top of what you are already doing. 

If your partner can provide that for you, you won't need the other sources.

But I don't think other sources to get you going are wrong at all and you shouldn't feel bad about it.



saddgirl said:


> Also, how do you deal with having sex when your teenagers are in the next room (their bedrooms). I know they know about sex but it makes me feel humiliated or embarrassed if they were to know what we were doing. Which I know is silly because they should want to see the door shut as often as possible because it means mom and dad's marriage is good. But still....


In general, they know what you are doing. We have a teen daughter above us as well.

We just keep it quiet.....and can't wait to see what our sex life is like when they move out (feel bad for our neighbors hehe)

Don't be embarrassed. Your kids should learn/know that intimacy is part of healthy relationship.



saddgirl said:


> I want to have a higher sex drive, are there any tips to get there? I find that I normally don't want to have sex, don't even think about it but I like it when we do have it and so does my husband. What I mean is that most of the time it's pretty good. I really don't know what my issue is. I never want to have it but usually when I give in, I like it. I'd like to want it before he touches me and not have to "give in".
> 
> Any advice or support would be appreciated.
> 
> Thank you.


Ask your husband to show more affection in none sexual places. during the day, ask him to touch your hands/arms.....rub them a bit.

How about a foot rub, or back rub.

Maybe a nice hug in the middle of the day.

Kissing.....

And even sexual things too, when kids are turned/or in another room, let him grab you a little.

And same goes for you, you should try to do those things to him as well. It CAN be that you GIVING can trigger yous sexual drive as well.

How about going for a walk in the forest and having some fun in the middle of nowhere.......we find that exciting with wife and try to do it from time to time.

READ: Step outside of your box a bit and experiment with different/new things. Personally I think it's healthy to do so every now and then. Mix things up.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Regarding teens next-door and sex, it may help to put it in perspective.

We, too, try to be discreet about such things in our house. We look for windows of time when kids are asleep or out of the house typically. But that doesn't always work out.

If they do hear us every once in awhile, it's not the end of the world. Answer yourself this question: Would the kids feel better if they over-heard you having sex or watched you fighting like cats and dogs? The former may be a bit embarrassing to some, but it's also confirms that their parents have a strong, healthy relationship. That's a great foundation for a solid family unit. It may produce some awkward giggles, but it also delivers the unspoken message that the family unit it strong at its core. 

Best way to deal with it -if ever brought up in discussion by the kids - is to simply own it. "Well, he's my husband and that's what couples do....and if we didn't enjoy it, well, you wouldn't be here!"


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think if reading erotica turns you on, you should do more of it and incorporate it in your sex life with your husband. One thing might be to examine your self-talk around all of it. Why do you feel bad when you read erotica? Imagine a friend telling you why she feels bad when she does it. If you wanted to reassure her that it was okay, what would you say? Now, say those things to yourself. Same with the kids in the next room - what are some things you can say to yourself to reassure yourself that it's okay? 

In terms of giving in vs. initiating or feeling it yourself - right now you aren't letting yourself be sexual in ways that work for you (reading erotica, making some noise) so I think if you can find a way to be okay with those things you might also start letting yourself initiate. I often think LD can be mostly in someone's head. 

PLUS...you can MAKE yourself initiate even when you don't physically feel it. If you know that when you get going, you have a good time, then most likely when you initiate you will have a good time too. 

I have married friends who have committed to having sex with each other every Tuesday and Thursday night. I know that wouldn't work for some people but I think one of the advantages of scheduling sex is that no one is under pressure to initiate and you have plenty of time to anticipate it which can get you juicy.


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## saddgirl (Jul 23, 2014)

Thank you so much for your wonderful ideas! I'm a verbal processor and writing things out really helped me to clarify the issues and remember some of the things I'd forgotten.

Although I didn't grow up religious, I did grow up with the belief that "good girls don't", which was fine in high school but no longer a valid belief today. 

Also, I remembered that this issue is multi-faceted. We own a mechanic shop and so he works long hours. It's very difficult to maintain a connection let alone be intimate with someone who feels like a stranger. 

Another issue is hygiene. In the summer the garage can get become 130 degrees and working a ten hour day in, understandably leaves him smelling ripe. To make a long story short, he doesn't shower. He'll fall asleep on the couch while watching tv and despite numerous attempts of waking him up, he'll fall back asleep until the middle of the night when he climbs into bed. OR he'll go upstairs with the premise of showering, lay on the bed, watch tv and fall asleep. Not only hasn't he showered but he didn't brush his teeth either. It's just gross. I've talked to him numerous times about this and he says okay, and i know his intentions are good but the heat just wipes him out and as soon as he sits down, he's asleep. I've tried to get him to shower when he first comes home, before dinner but I think he just wants to sit down and relax. Which would be fine if he didn't fall asleep.

We used to share sexy stories when we were teens but time is so limited that we don't anymore. What I mean is that he works seven days a week, comes home for dinner and falls asleep on the couch. There's no time for anything - mundane or intimate.

I would love to be able to take walks with him after dinner but in the summer it's out of the question. And it's probably out of the question in other seasons as he gets home so late that it's usually dark by then.

I think you're right about it being good for teens to know that intimacy truly is a part of a healthy marriage. I know this, but it's the belief of being a good girl I think that gets in the way. I just remembered that belief yesterday so now i can work on rewiring that belief so it has less power.

I also remembered that I need some time to transition so a heads up is a must. I find it VERY difficult to go from mom mode to sexy mode in a split second. 

K, I have to leave now. I know I didn't answer everyone's questions or reply to all the ideas. I'll do my best to later tonight. Thank you all for responding. I needed to be heard.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

IMO you need to get to the root of why you feel guilty. 

Some people who have hectic lives can go day after day without ever thinking of sex. Doesn't mean you aren't attracted to your partner. Reading some erotica or whatever will get you in the mood. It builds desire and anticipation which can lead to some amazing sex.

There is nothing wrong with sex or the human body. Nothing dirty there. Its one of the most natural acts that exists.

As far as the kids. I've always had that issue about wanting to be quiet with kids around. It can really hamper good sex as being vocal and loud is extremely erotic. Best thing to do is work out ways to get the kids out of the house for awhile or turn up the music loud and just go for it.

As far as the hygiene. Just put on something sexy and tell him if he wants this he better get cleaned up and quick.


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## saddgirl (Jul 23, 2014)

Yes, this is a very dangerous time of year and I always worry about him. He's been doing it so long that he knows what to do though. He drinks water and Gatorade and there's a fan in the back but it just blows around hot air. He's careful. And yes, he's still interested in sex even after spending hours in the heat.

Oh, I know why I feel guilty and ashamed. It's because the belief that "good girls don't". It takes time to rebuild a new neurological pathway for beliefs. Especially one that's been there for so long.

I hear you about having to be quiet.  We put the tv on to try to hide the noise.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sounds like you have a few issues going on here.. he needs to take a shower when he gets home and better care of his teeth, some mouthwash ..I couldn't imagine getting aroused till the man was clean enough to smell and taste - ya know ...

And as others pointed out.. those temperatures... Geez!.. 

The kids.. if you have a locked door, a little back ground noise... (a tv, radio) ...ENJOY.... it's not like your flaunting naked bodies in front of them.. we have 6 kids.. heck when they were toddlers, they'd crash on our bedroom floor.. if we got hot for each other in the am, we'd just have sex under the covers, we were so quiet about it, they didn't even wake up.. didn't bother me . Too small to know what was going on then.. and never in all our yrs did they caught us in the act..

And really.. when they get older, it's not secret Mom & dad are having sex (after all how did they get here)...a happening sex life is good, it's healthy... better than the message that only all these singles are getting it on and getting married = sexlessness.. Horrible example for children if you value marriage - by the way.

Let your kids stay up later... keep the tv on downstairs or something. while you & the husband slip away.. be creative.. let him sleep a few hours and wake him up later - when the kids are asleep.. so many things you can do.. Men's Test levels are highest in the am.. I bet he would like some romps then, go for it.. (before the kids get up).. 



> *staarz21 said:* First, were you brought up really religious? You say you feel really guilty reading stories and then having sex. It sounds like you are sexually repressed. Many women are. It's how we are brought up. It's wrong to sleep around, it's wrong to be adventurous, etc. That's not what wins a husband. Being "good" and moral does.


 Depending on what sort of man you hope to marry...and how you personally view sex ("sex is just sex" ...or "sex represents commitment, exclusivity... the deepest of intimacies shared with attachment strings)... one should understand themselves and know what they seek in sex... what it does for you, what brings you the most happiness, makes you feel alive, comforted ... 

If you choose to wait for one special man , this does not automatically = repression per say.. But once one is married.. we are to give ourselves freely / openly ..unabashedly to our lovers.. with no shame, no guilt...



> *saddgirl said* : Oh, I know why I feel guilty and ashamed. It's because the belief that "good girls don't". It takes time to rebuild a new neurological pathway for beliefs. Especially one that's been there for so long.


I too struggled with what I seen in the world... strippers, cheating / infidelity in R rated movies, those in the world seemed to have more hot sex, Porn with not a hint of romance, these things hindered my associating LOVE to my husband with certain acts, specifically oral sex.. 

I had to come to the full realization that the marriage bed is blessed...EVERY ACT is an act of giving of ourselves..in mutual pleasure... there is something wholly beautiful about devouring each other... when he wants you , and you want him!! 

Just saying...

I did a thread on Repression.. my experience with that.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html

Our mindsets can change on this..I've come a long way.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Many women feel naughty or like they are doing something 'wrong' when they do sexual things like using porn or reading sexy books or even when they crave sex and enjoy it, have orgasms, etc. Having a good sex life doesn't necessarily mean that you eradicate all of these feelings and that might be too ambitious a goal depending on how you were brought up.

The answer might be to try to turn your shameful feelings into naughty feelings - meaning that doing something that perhaps you were raised to believe is dirty or shameful becomes more exciting for that very reason. Part of the reason why many people get more sexual excitement out of affairs is because it is forbidden. Same goes for 'sneaking' sexual things as a young person. Is there any way that you can transfer these feelings into a positive?

As for sex with family in the house in addition to the other suggestions, I suggest that you close your bedroom door regularly even when you are not having sex. If the door is only closed during sex:
1. You will feel more awkward (and guilty) as you emerge and in your mind the closed door may create more issues related to the fact that you are 'hiding' something.
2. Your children will be more aware of it as a pattern and may become more interested.

Perhaps you already do this but i think that creating private moments with your husband when you are not having sex may help.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I know exactly what you are feeling and I'm so sorry! I know how stressful and upset this can be. I don't have a LD normally but because of conditions and being on b/c, my husband and I have never been good with sex. 

My husband also wakes me up in the middle of the night. I feel horrible turning him away. I feel horrible can he can't sleep, it's becoming a big issue. We just got into a big argument last night about it.

But one thing that has helped in a big way is that we both understand each other now. For a long time he resented me because he thought that I was turning him away just because I didn't feel like it or some lame excuse. He didn't know that hormones are real and can affect how I feel sexually. I thought he could turn off his needs like I can. We didn't have sex for months, but while I was out he was taking my laptop and watching porn. I had no idea, he didn't tell me and I didn't ask why he was taking the laptop. He told me this later, he didn't want to feel like he was begging me. He thought that he was being annoying and that I knew but just didn't care. Huge misunderstanding...communication is a huge thing!

I didn't know that for him sex is a NEED, it's not just something that he wants. I have the luxury of turning my sex drive off, or it turning off because of stress. But he doesn't, he can be sick or in pain and still want to have sex. Things would have to be seriously stressful for him not to want to. When he is poking at me in the middle of the night, he feels like he's a slave to his penis. He wants to sleep too. But he has this nagging feeling that literally won't let him sleep and it's horrible. Look at it from his perspective...I'm pretty sure he feels as awkward being the one waking you up as you do. I do it despite the conditions and stress because I understand now and I don't resent him anymore.

You both have to make an effort. He HAS to take a shower, you aren't asking too much for him to be clean. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to, to feel in the mood. Even if he is stumbling into the shower half asleep, he has to do it. 

I read erotic stories, I like them but it also keeps it in my mind for later. My husband and I don't have kids, but we do and have lived with people. It's hard to have sex when there are people in the other room. 

I think you just have to block that out somehow, maybe let your kids go somewhere. Can you let them go out to a friends house or to a movie? I'm sure they wouldn't say no to hanging out with their friends a few times a week! You really have to make the date nights priority if you want things to get better! When do things slow down at work? Is he due a vacation soon? Or maybe morning time can be your time together. Before anyone is awake and he goes to work. Maybe take a shower together in the morning.

I hope this isn't too personal to ask. But is there foreplay when you do have sex? Does he try to get you in the mood or just jump in?My husband thought that foreplay was optional but now he understands and happily tries to get me in the mood. He thought it was annoying at first but now he loves it and so do I. You have to make time for it, in my experience it doesn't have to be all the time. But knowing that he is invested in making me as happy as I want to make him does wonders. It's a foundation that has to be made here, once you have that it won't have to be forced. You both need to feel cherished and loved. 

For a man, it kills to be rejected. He might be throwing himself into work because he feels useless at home. That is what my husband tells me a lot. He wants to be viewed sexually as a man and if he isn't then he throws himself into work or other things that he feels successful in. Others have said it, but it seems to be true.

I really hope things get better for you and your husband!

I'm so sorry! I meant to post this in your other thread! I was using this one as reference!


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