# Gay Porn...



## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

So.. I'm in a fairly tough situation and I'm looking for advice. Here's a bit of backstory: While my husband and I were dating we were practically ravenous for each other in the bedroom. There was lots of cuddles and physical contact outside the bedroom as well. However, about a week after we were married, I found some gay porn in his browser history and it pretty much rocked my world.

We've talked about it a few times and he seems to be in denial about what his sexual preferences may be. I'm firmly of the opinion that he is bisexual or at the very least, not *entirely* straight.

Unfortunately, it is very hard for me to be attracted to him now. Sometimes I have to stifle down feelings of disgust when he is near me or tries to be cuddly. We've been married now for almost two years, and I think we've had sex about that many times since this issue first came up.

Is there a way I can learn to be attracted to him again? Is our marriage worth saving if we have differing sexual orientations???


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

This is difficult, I can understand that. If your husband is denying he he is bi or gay, do you have any other reason to suspect he is, other than finding gay porn? What did he say the reason for having the gay porn in his browsing history? Does your husband want to be with men? Would you be okay with having a bi-sexual husband so long as he's not acting on his desires? Sorry for all the questions.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

According to the "Kinsey Scale", only 15% of people are truly exclusively straight, with another 15% exclusively gay, and 70% of all others bisexual to some degree or another. See this chart:

File:Kinsey Scale.svg - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This seems reasonable to me, although many or most may be in denial of their own bisexuality.


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

Other than the porn, there isn't too much that gives me suspicion, however, as soon as I start overthinking things, *everything* starts looking suspicious.

Example, he'd only had one or two minor relationships before ours, and only one of those was sexual. This makes me think that maybe he was just never all that interested in having romantic relationships with women. There are tons of little things like this that I end up feeling like I'm reading too much into them, etc.

When I asked about the porn, he said that he was "just trying to figure himself out". This didn't make a whole ton of sense to me, as I would think he would have figured himself out before he..you know.. asked me to marry him?

Edited to add: He says he's never had a relationship with a male and that he doesn't want one. When we talk about his sexuality, he insists that he is only sexually attracted to me. You would think that this might make one feel better, but it really doesn't. It makes me start to wonder if I am particularly masculine or something or if I am somehow lacking in the femininity department, etc.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

It's very possible to have sexual feelings for the same sex without having any interest, whatsoever, in ever wanting to have an emotional relationship with someone of the same sex. Personally speaking, a guy would have to be like a 9 for me to be physically attracted to him, yet I would have zero interest in ever cheating on my wife to be with a guy and certainly never interested in a relationship. The only way would be if my wife was open to a threesome (something we experimented with early in our relationship).

However, while a guy would have to be a 9 or better, honestly, my attraction to other women is such that a 7 will do just fine, again, if my wife was onboard for a threesome, although, her standards are higher than mine for a woman so she wouldn't settle for a 7, as her limited bisexuality is probably very similar to my own and a woman would have to be very sexy for her to consider.

It is alarming, however, that he is married to you and "still trying to figure things out." In my own case, I was very upfront with my wife from Day 1 and anything and everything we've ever done with members of the same or opposite sex, has been together, although, again, that was experimentation early in our relationship and not a part of our current curriculum. 

You could test him and ask if he would have any interest in a threesome with you and another man (whether or not this is something you would consider, it may give you a more accurate reading on him than what you are getting so far).

As far as porn goes, even though I've engaged in oral sex with other guys a few times, I can say that 99% of the porn I've viewed is sex between a man and a woman or between men and women (plural) and gay porn just doesn't do it for me. So, your hubby probably is more bisexual than he is admitting to be. 

Check that link out I posted.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

On the first issue - I would not even think twice about seeing some gay porn - if you read Dan Savage's column (which is really funny) you'll realize people look at all sorts of stuff (according to Dan, only straight males fantasize about trans women (women that still have a p)). Particularly if he has not had many sexual relationships, he may have been relying on porn for a while and like to look around.

If it is exclusively gay porn he is looking at, maybe there is an issue.

The second issue is that you've been married for 2 years and only had sex twice. If he is ok with that then maybe he does not desire you/women. In any case, it is not fair for you and certainly not fair for him for you to be repulsed by him.


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

I love Dan Savage's column! I've even sent in a question (very much like this one... with no response..) before. 

While we were dating, I'd asked the hubby about his sexual preferences, like, what sort of porn does he like, what positions does he find most appealing, etc. etc. He always told me that he did not watch porn and that he didn't have any specific preferences, etc. in the bedroom. However, when I found the porn history, it was basically ALL gay porn with a few female-on-male oral scenes thrown in every few weeks. 

It is amazing to me how one little thing like this can turn me into practically a monster. Its hard for me to accept the fact that I'm not very accepting. I've always considered myself tolerant of other people's preferences, but it seems I'm not very tolerant and accepting when it comes to my husband's.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

spiffyjinx said:


> It is amazing to me how one little thing like this can turn me into practically a monster. Its hard for me to accept the fact that I'm not very accepting. I've always considered myself tolerant of other people's preferences, but it seems I'm not very tolerant and accepting when it comes to my husband's.


I found gay content on my husbands phone once, a lot of it. He denies being bi and he is very sexual with me. Personally, it would not bother me if he were bi, considering he would not act on his desires. It would be along the lines of any infidelity situation. 

But I can see where others would have a problem with it, especially if the sex was lacking in the marriage. It would be hard to understand if he is looking at gay porn, and not being intimate with you. Are you the one turning him down, or do y'all just not have sex?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You've only had sex twice in two years because you found some gay porn in your husbands browser history?

You need to divorce him and let him get a real life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

I think I turned him down so often that he doesn't bother trying to encourage the sexy-times anymore. He used to try initiating sex and I can tell that his body physically respond to intimate stimuli (so he MUST be somewhat attracted to me).

Lots of things have gone into my lack of libido, and sometimes, even when I think to myself "tonight is the night!", I end up feeling nauseous about it and just avoid the whole scenario.


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

Also.. we've talked about divorce and he doesn't want to move forward in that direction. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me, etc. etc. Even when I've brought up the fact that he can't possibly be happy with our situation, he is still adamant that he wants us to stay together. 

I want us to as well, I just don't know how to make myself become attracted to him again. Obviously, our relationship isn't happy nor healthy. We've talked time and time again about what we can do to be less like roommates and more like a couple, but with no real solution.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

There are some serious factors causing the gaydar lights to blink here. 

He indicated he was "trying to figure things out" when approached about his gay porn use. I consider myself a 3 on the gay/straight scale. 10 bursting into flames 1 totally straight. I still have never (except for a few seconds by accident with the wrong mouse click) watched male on male action. 

The fact that he had very limited dating is another. 

The fact that he seems OK with the no sex thing is another. 

Does he have any old friends? Often closed gays break off from childhood friends and/or family. Moving to a big/far away city where they can be more anonomous is another. 

That said i have not heard any real concrete reason to know for sure if he is or is not. Regardless, if you can't get past/over it and become attracted to him then if he is or isn't is pointless to some degree. Figure out if you can or not. Living a lie like you are as roomates seems to be a sham. You have to weigh how you feel about this man and you are willing to live the way till death. Otherwise...

Good luck.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

My friends and I always talk about porn and after a talk with them, I have come to this. We (my friends and I) watch porn a lot when we are rarely/not getting laid and barely watch it when we are getting laid. Also who cares if its gay porn? My friends and I have watched various types of porn (including gay). Does it get me interested in trying new things (like having sex with a guy, so on so forth)? Yes it does but curiousity is a natural thing. Im sure if you watched porn, You would see things that you wanna try as well. So lighten up, Watching gay porn isnt that big of a deal.

Also, Your husband wouldnt have to watch porn all the time if you bothered screwing him every once and a while. I am sure every guy (and possibly girl) would say the same thing as well. So save him the hassle, Go into your bedroom, and have sex with your husband. Save his hands from any more abuse! Lol.


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> There are some serious factors causing the gaydar lights to blink here.
> 
> He indicated he was "trying to figure things out" when approached about his gay porn use. I consider myself a 3 on the gay/straight scale. 10 bursting into flames 1 totally straight. I still have never (except for a few seconds by accident with the wrong mouse click) watched male on male action.
> 
> ...


You bring up an interesting point about the anonymity of moving far away. He actually moved here (the US...) from England and has yet to make progress towards cultivating new friendships since he's been here.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do to to be more loving in general, and I'm hoping that maybe if I try hard enough, the negative feelings will seem to lessen. Kind of like the advice of if you're unhappy, you smile alot and eventually you'll actually *be* happy...


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## spiffyjinx (Jan 25, 2012)

asylumspadez said:


> My friends and I always talk about porn and after a talk with them, I have come to this. We (my friends and I) watch porn a lot when we are rarely/not getting laid and barely watch it when we are getting laid. Also who cares if its gay porn? My friends and I have watched various types of porn (including gay). Does it get me interested in trying new things (like having sex with a guy, so on so forth)? Yes it does but curiousity is a natural thing. Im sure if you watched porn, You would see things that you wanna try as well. So lighten up, Watching gay porn isnt that big of a deal.
> 
> Also, Your husband wouldnt have to watch porn all the time if you bothered screwing him every once and a while. I am sure every guy (and possibly girl) would say the same thing as well. So save him the hassle, Go into your bedroom, and have sex with your husband. Save his hands from any more abuse! Lol.


As far as I know, he doesn't watch porn now and hasn't since we moved in together. Not that I've forbidden this or anything, as I watch some on my own sometimes and I think its perfectly healthy. The gay-porn viewing sessions were all from when we were living separately during our courtship and engagement.


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## marriedinpei (Jan 15, 2012)

The reality is that many men have fleeting male+male fantasies [usually emphasizing just the sexual, rather than emotional] and many women have fleeting woman+woman fantasies. Whether these fleeting fantasies gain traction and become deep fantasies that then evolve into actualy experimentation can depend on so many factors. One fertile ground for same sex exploration is lack of opposite sex "action". A married man whose wife disdains sex may explore those same sex fantasies to get release.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

spiffyjinx said:


> I think I turned him down so often that he doesn't bother trying to encourage the sexy-times anymore. He used to try initiating sex and I can tell that his body physically respond to intimate stimuli (so he MUST be somewhat attracted to me).
> 
> Lots of things have gone into my lack of libido, and sometimes, even when I think to myself "tonight is the night!", I end up feeling nauseous about it and just avoid the whole scenario.


This really seems like the ball is in your court here. You need to decide if what you found (gay porn 2 years ago) is the make or break for your marriage. I can certainly understand the struggles you have with this. I found the gay content on my H's phone while he was gone for a few days. It floored me. I really used to not be accepting of gay men, at all. It is something I'm not proud to admit, but I don't know, it was just something that was. I don't know what changed me, it wasn't the incident with my H, it was long before that. 

And the other's are correct, and I think Ron White said it best... "We're all gay, it's just to what extent you are gay...."  

If this is something you can work to accept (if he's gay, bi, etc.) and it does not threaten your marriage, i.e. him acting on it, you can come up with an answer within. If you and your husband have a pretty good marriage otherwise, embrace that. It sounds like your husband has tried to comfort you and answer your questions as best he can. It may not be exactly what you want to hear, but he sounds like he's being honest with you. 

How do you get that attraction back? Again, that's something you need to work on, if you want to. It can be done... TAM is full of suggestions. 

Best wishes to you and your husband!


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