# Would you expose the Other Married Man?



## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

My wife had a seven month affair with a MM, but it's over now. She ended it. At the time of the final NC conversation, the OM said that he'd leave his wife that day to be with my wife if she said that she would leave me too. She said no. She knows that he didn't feel guilty about what he was doing to his family. She knew he'd had at least one affair before, and as she was coming out of the FOG, she knew that she couldn't have a trusting long term relationship with him. 

The affair beat my wife up inside, so I don't consider her behaviour to be as bad as his. And she is really suffering now. I see him as the predator who took advantage of someone who was unhappy, lonely & looking for the kind of love that was missing in our marriage. And I know I'm half to blame for the marriage problems that led to the affair possibility.

I have the guy's first name, and also his wife, and an idea of where they live, plus his mobile phone number, but I don't know who he is, and my wife won't tell me any more that could identify him. Googling all sorts of combinations hasn't thrown up any answers.

*My question is ..... if I did know, should I expose him to his wife? My wife says "No", that I'm playing God by doing that, and I'm hurting his family, not just him, by exposing his affair(s). I'm told that the OM is a good father & step father to his wifes' children etc., and I would be responsible for breaking all that up.*

The counter argument might be that I was giving his wife the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether she wanted to be married to someone who behaves in this way.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The answer is YES - you have no hard evidence that the affair is over, only what she tells you and what you think you observe, if he is busy working on his marriage he cannot interfere with yours. 

She should not be protecting him, if she is Why?

Do not think about this DO IT NOW


" if I did know, should I expose him to his wife? My wife says "No", that I'm playing God by doing that, and I'm hurting his family, not just him, by exposing his affair(s). I'm told that the OM is a good father & step father to his wifes' children etc., and I would be responsible for breaking all that up."


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I am a tad worried for you, you have no firm details on this OM and yet you sound very content to assume this is over because your wife says it is.
. 
Please note this is not my view but hard experience.. A cheater will lie as they have never lied before.They will oppose the steps because it gives them that option to go back to. You need to stop worrying about what your wife feels about exposure. You need to worry that if she is being dishonest YOU are unable to see this. 

So 

With or without her blessing, at a minimum get hold of the other mans wife and let her know. 

This sounds like a hard line - It is designed to protect both you


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

Well we're separating now anyway Wisp, that's why it doesn't really directly affect me any more.

If my wife wants to be with him, then she can. I'd be sad for her if she chose someone who will lie & cheat on her too, more than likely, but that'd be her choice.

So I have to analyse my motives, and being honest the main one would be revenge, since I clearly can't expose all the infidelity that's going on in my street, never mind the country. Why should I care more about the OM's wife's relationship than anyone else. Only because I want to get back at the OM. Then again, as a wise man once said ..... If another man steals your wife, the best revenge is simply to let him keep her.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The exposure is not for revenge it is to save your marriage with the woman you love. 

There is a very high level line to be consistent on 

stop the affair then save your marriage. 

There is always fallout, but as I suspect you love your wife. A torch shone on the affair makes it very uncomfortable and reality sets in. Where she is now she sees you doing little to bring her back to you, exposure is a very clear message, you are fighting for her. If she challenges you keep your words simple. You love her, the steps are to protect her , the affair stops and both of you rebuild your marriage


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

It's me that's ending the marriage, or at least separating for now. 

My wife wants me to stay with her to start again to build a better marriage. I can't do that right now.

So the exposure of the OM (& I don't have the information to actually do that at present) - well, I guess it is just revenge. In a way I'm making it more likely that the OM might end up with my estranged wife, since his marriage might well break up too.

I want my wife to be happy after we're separated - I don't know if the OM can do this or not, that'd be her decision.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Are you not able to forgive her and move on or do you have other concerns about the future and the affair has just bought your doubt to the fore.

Sorry not picking on you just trying to understand?


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

Wisp, it's both of the points above. I'm still unhappy about the affair, though I know that it's importance will fade with time. Really it's because of the deterioration in our marriage which led to the affair. We saw a counsellor last week. 20 minutes together & 20 minutes each separately. You're right Wisp that part of me does still love her, and that was my final comment to the counsellor as we left; but even the counsellor said "sometimes love isn't enough".

I won't stress all of the problems with the relationship here, but they are many. So the affair has just highlighted all that & made me realise that I think I'll be happier without her. And yes, it does hurt to write this, but I think it's true.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Let her go gently....Best wishes


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes, you're right Wisp, it's sad, and we're still close, lots of hugs etc. at this difficult time.

But, _revenons à nos mouton_, as the French say. Would you still expose the OM, now you know more about our situation?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I would indeed; it still helps her out of the fantasy and would be for her own good either with you or without you. 

If it is without you she can move on with life and not have a hankering for him. You will have done her a good deed.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with Wisp, it will help your wife as well when the exposure happens it will put an end to the fantasy part of their relationship. 
I also think that the OM's wife deserves to make her own decisions about the man she is married to......
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position and I wish you luck and happiness as you move on with your life......


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with exposing him for what he is, and it doesn't really matter what your motivations are for doing so.

I don't know when revenge became so taboo, but sometimes getting a little justice for yourself in this world is exactly what is needed.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Normally I would say no based on the information that time has elapsed, you are separating, and not sure if you want to reconcile with your wife. 
In this case I say expose though. You said this 'man' showed no remorse for his actions and has done this before. He is not a good dad for putting his family on the brink like this more then once. He will most likely do it again. More time will have elapsed and make it more damaging when it's exposed later. Better to let her decide whether to cut the cord with her husband now. Imo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alabama (Aug 6, 2010)

i vote to tell.

the only way i found out about my H's affair was from the OW's H. he didn't have any contact info besides my address (my H would go out with OW and her H - i stayed home with our newborn and slept) when the other H suspected something going on, he offered to carpool just so he could find out where we lived.

other H tried to get my phone # from my H when enough info was uncovered to expose the affair. when my H didn't, the other H came to my home to make sure i knew exactly what was going on.

i'm still so very grateful the other H did this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I say don't tell and here is why.

First, you make excuses for your wife's affair. How do you know that this guy's marriage was just about the same as yours? How do you know that the OM wasn't "unhappy, lonely & looking for the kind of love that was missing in [their] marriage"? Could it be possible he is beating himself up?

Second, if you tell his wife, what are the chances that he seperates from his wife and becomes "available"? Your wife (a) is separated from you and (b) "unhappy, lonely & looking for the kind of love that was missing in our marriage". What are the chances that instead of working to regain the love with you, she takes the easy way and goes back to him? You have just shot yourself in the foot.

You should worry about your marriage and relationship with your wife and no one else's.


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## snowstorm (Nov 3, 2010)

I would expose OM.

Ask yourself, if you were OM's wife...would you want to know?

And yes, he will do it again if not exposed. It is typical for one that cheats to lay low for awhile...maybe even a year or longer. Then, begin the cycle again. He may even have more than one OW! Not unusual at all.
By exposing him you are giving his wife control. You are enabling her to make an informed decision about the lie of a life she is living. If she decides to save her marriage, you better bet he will be right under her thumb. 
The only disadvantage to exposing (which usually affects affair partner for the most when exposing OM) is that BS may not believe you without proof. And keep in mind, OM can be a sociopathic charmer...he betrayed his wife, and may continue to lie to her about the facts of the affair. Typical. So have proof. And stand tall.

Don't worry about your wife running into his arms after exposing him. This is rare. OM typically moves on with his life. Afterall, his affair was built on lies...and his fog will clear. If it by slim chance it does occur, statistics show it never lasts.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I'd ABSOLUTELY expose him. She probably doesn't have a clue that he's messing around with your wife. I know the OM's wife didn't when I exposed him and my soon-to-be ex wife getting busy out of town months ago. The only reason she says no is because she wants to minimize the hurt the two of them created to only one person; YOU. And although she says she ended the affair, there is no way for you to know that for sure. But I know someone who will ensure that they never hook up again....


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## Needhelp911 (Nov 14, 2010)

I say find this mans wife and tell her everything. You wife doesn't want you to tell because she would feel guilty and bad about having a part in breaking up a marriage. If she gets upset about why you are telling the wife, tell her if you was in her shoes how would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know the truth? This poor women is living with a man that she thinks is being faithful. Its not about getting revenge its about his wife. If he wants to make his relationship work with his wife then he will tell her.
She hasn't gotten reality of the situation because she doesn't feel responsible for it yet. Once other wife knows, she will put her foot down and the OM will have a huge problem on his hands. With step children biological children and an angry wife I don't see why he would go back to talking to your wife unless he wants another a**whole drilled in his backside. If he doesn't go back to his wife then his wife will probably bring him to court and get all the money she can get and drop him like a bad habit.

Your wife is not going to want a man with all that trouble. An angry ex, tons of kids, and drama! Everything seems easy now because they are being sneaky.

You are not making anybodys life miserable, they brought this on themselves. And if she thinks you are going to keep her dirty little secret she got another thing coming.


Please tell OM wife. You will be saving his wife from getting STD's and more heartache in the future.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm a scorched earth guy when it comes to the other man.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

I would definitely expose!! If you don't...he keeps the secret and all that says to you, to your wife and to his is that it's okay to continue to disrepect all 3 of you. He can glide away like a snake in the grass. HIS actions have consequences...and you're not "playing God" by revealing something that could possibly help his wife make an informed decision for herself and her life and their marriage. This is why so many men cheat---they get away with it...and the women they're with are usually destroyed while he goes about life and puts on a false facade for his family and community and eventually finds someone else to screw around with.
If your wife wants to protect him--I'd question her about that. That message of secrecy says to him that it's okay to lie and that it's acceptable to treat you, your wife and especially HIS wife like s*** and that he doesn't have any consequences to his actions!!! Silence and protection make it easy for the door to be cracked open for him to contact your wife again. Exposing puts an end to things and puts everyone on even ground.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Yes, expose. I found out from the OW's H. Although it was a painful way to find out, it is much better to know. My H and I both agree, if he had gotten away with the affair, it was only a matter of time before he'd do it again. The problems in the marriage and within the DS need to be addressed for there to be any hope for the relationship.

Also, it wouldn't be _you_ wrecking the other marriage by exposing the affair. The MM and your wife did that all on their own when they decided to have an affair.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I did and I'm glad I did. The bum needed to face the reality of what he had done to my life and to his and the only way for that happen was to expose him. I too would want someone to tell me if I didn't know and would have appreciated it if it happened before it went on for 20 years. In the case of the OM I exposed it had been for 18 years of a 19 year marriage. What scum. Use the ATT yellow pages online or Intelius. If you know where he lives, knock on the door. Side note, your wife has nothing to complain about though she surely will. The TWO of them made their bed and they both can lie in it. Don't give her pass. She's a big girl and knew what she was doing. I agree he's scum. My good "friend" was too. My wife had to spread her legs - she wasn't forced. By the way, we did reconcile.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I'm told that the OM is a good father & step father to his wife's children"- A GOOD father is also HONEST, bud. I hate it when they put it in this way. Honesty is part of ones moral fiber. He may treat them right, but GOOD... nah... I don't think so. If he was so good he would not cheat on them either because when you have kids and you cheat- you also cheat on them also.

Tzu68... all I got to say is- WOW!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

His wife has a right to know that he is putting her health and life at risk. he may not have caught anything from your wife, but I'm she will likely not be the last. Tell her, for her own good.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Anyone notice that this thread was last posted on last Nov?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Anyone notice that this thread was last posted on last Nov?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. The thread got necro'ed by Tzu. It's from 2010.

I believe affairs should be exposed.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Sorry all...I just threw my opinion in and didn't look at the date..I'm new to this so I apologize if I brought up an old post!!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

RWB said:


> Like I said, I posted 3+ times to this old as sh-t post.
> 
> SO WHAT!
> 
> ...


My point in posting that was because I would assume that after all this time he already came to a decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Red---Yes you tell, if for no other reason, than, the other betrayed wife has a right to know about the scum, she is living with---she has a right to be able to make a decision about her future---knowing everything there is to know, so that decision can be an informed decision

You have to remember, those in an A., both parties, lie, cheat, connive, manipulate, deceive, and sneak around----you cannot believe anything they say---to each other, and to their betrayed/innocent spouses


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Red---Yes you tell, *if for no other reason, than, the other betrayed wife has a right to know *about the scum, she is living with---she has a right to be able to make a decision about her future---knowing everything there is to know, so that decision can be an informed decision
> 
> You have to remember, those in an A., both parties, lie, cheat, connive, manipulate, deceive, and sneak around----you cannot believe anything they say---to each other, and to their betrayed/innocent spouses


:iagree:

And how many times have we read that the OW's husband is a cheater, physically abuses her, emotionally abuses her, etc, only to find out that he's nothing of the kind? The same goes for OM who claim that they are in a sexless, loveless marriage with a wife that emotionally abuses him?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'll PM and see if this person is till around and what happened


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

This guy hasn't posted anywhere since August of last year.


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

Hi guys, 8 contacted me as promised & here I am to give those that are interested an update.......

Well, my wife and I are getting divorced, and that should be completed within a couple of months now. I moved out of the house last October, and am doing just great (now ......... last year was totally crap). Gotta say, this internet dating business is bloody marvellous! Anyway,_ revenons a nos moutons_, a short while after my August posts, I DID manage to find out who this guy was & where he lived, but held back from any action, thinking that it was a bargaining counter, if you like, in any negotiations or arguments we might have during the divorce / child care arrangements etc.. As it happened, we were able to agree, within reason, on how to settle the divorce, and our one 12 year old son spends half his time with each of us. Thus, my 'nuclear option' stayed under wraps until January this year. 

Until this time, my wife had bowed to my wishes & had not introduced our son to her MM. Did I say already? ........ she got it back together with the OM a week or two after my posts last year; for him, at least, it was still an affair. I'd said that while it was an affair, I didn't want our son wrapped up in it or involved in any way. When he left his wife for my wife, then it's a whole new ballgame, and I accepted that my son would be spending half his time with this guy. BUT NOT DURING THE AFFAIR. 

So in January, my wife just announced that our son would be meeting her boyfriend later that day, and there was nothing I could do about it............ call in the heavy weapons……. "Fine", I said, "I'll just take a drive over to see his wife & have a little chat with her", and I said I knew here he & she lived. The phone went blue with rage & expletives, and she demanded that I come & speak to X myself. I told her to get lost, but eventually she managed to cajole me into going round to MY house, where he was staying with her for a few days, by accusing me of being scared of him. So I drove round (it's only 1/2 mile) & this big guy's pushing his chest out, really edgy & up tight. When he started speaking aggressively, the first thing I did was tell him that the only one thing that would make me drive to see his wife for sure would be if he threatened me in any way at all - I'd then be forced to tell her, in order to show him I wouldn't be intimidated. So, I calmed them both down & said I was prepared to talk about the situation. I told my wife to go get a couple of beers & told him to SIT DOWN, for crying out loud.

As he sat down I leant across and shook him by the hand, saying "Thanks X, you've done me a favour ........... oh, and *good luck*". A cheap shot, I know, but immensely satisfying ;-) 

Anyway, I felt a bit like her Dad, sitting there while this guy tells me how much he loves my wife, and how he's talking to HIS wife about leaving her, and how my wife & he are going to be together etc. etc. etc.. The truth is that I couldn't see any advantage to his wife & child to know what he'd been up to (for over two years by that stage). It's no doubt traumatic for her that her marriage was ending - I couldn't see how knowing her husband had been having an affair would help her situation. Thoughts of _revenge _ seemed unnecessary. I’m OK about her being with him …… just …… I don’t like what they’ve done, but it’s true that I’m happier without her already, so it’s all positive me from here-on (OK, maybe not financially, but hey). Our son’s been badly affected, but I believe he’ll come through it with a little more time.

Well, that was January, and we're almost June now. Apparently, he has left his wife; but my wife & X have recently broken up themselves. I think for logistical reasons more than that they didn't want to be together - he works 120 miles from his family house, and my wife's location here makes a equilateral triangle, so there's three locations he wants to spend time - working, with his son & with my wife, and they're all quite a distance apart (we're in England, and 120 miles is a _long way_!). I think my wife wants someone around more than one or two days a week, so for now at least it's off. But he's still leaving his wife anyway. As a friend of mine pointed out ............. "So they didn't know about the logistical difficulties before .............???"

And the nub of it is, I won't be telling his wife. No point now.

............. and thanks for your interest in my rambling story.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's not about revenge, it's about doing the right thing. All his betrayed wife knows is that he left her. And it's a given that he has lied to her about why he left her and his children, and probably blaming her (you should know about the blame shifting) for his leaving and breaking up their family. She probably begged, pleaded, cried her eyes out every night, most likely up to now thinking this is her fault. She is in agony and pain about this and doesn't even know the REAL reason why. 

And here you are on the road to recovery, feeling much better about yourself while that cheating basturd gets off scott free, while his betrayed wife lives in agony not knowing why. She deserves to know that it was not her fault that her marriage is broken, that is her cheating husbands and your soon to be ex-wifes fault. Can you at least show a little empathy for another betrayed spouse and her child? You have full knowledge of the affair, therefore you know what you can do and move forward with your own healing. His betrayed wife knows nothing of the affair and her own world came crashing down without knowing the real reason.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Yes, absolutely tell.

How would you feel if your wife's affair was still going on? You would want to know.

The OMW has a right to know the state of his marriage.


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