# What do I do?



## BlondeMan187 (Aug 20, 2014)

So I am new to this forum so my apologies if there is already a thread on this topic. Bear with me as I would like to share what I can about what's been happening in our marriage.

We've been married for two years now, been together for almost four. Our marriage has been pretty good, not great, but there are things we need to work on, both of us.

Where do I start? Well, my wife just asked me to give her some space and go to my parents for a bit to stay there(2 weeks. I left last Thursday). That's what I will do for now. Now we still talk every day and she is initiating most of the conversation. It's usually around how our days are and banking stuff but there are other things in there too that we talk about that aren't mundane. So that gives me hope as she still wants to talk to me. Maybe moving out will help her figure out what she needs?

One big issue she has with us is that we do everything together and don't really have alone time. We have become so dependant on each other that it's made her feel that we can't co-exist without the other. Now, marriage is about doing things together but not everything. I agree that space and doing things without the other is important. But at the end of the day, I love my wife so much that I love doing things with her, no matter what they are.

Her issues with me right now are that she's in love with me but she says there's no passion in her for me sexually. There's no desire to rip my clothes off when she or I walk through the door. I believe that can be fixed and worked on. I truly do.
She's said we aren't the same people when we first met and that she wants to find herself before we can work on each other again. She said she does want to work on things down the road but right now she wants to find herself and for me to find myself too. That's a fair comment. I'm going to counselling now to talk to someone about this and try and re-focus on myself. If I show my wife the guy I was and want to be, which is a sweet, caring but tough guy, that may help. But the damage may already be done too. I don't know.
She also is tired of me saying I will change things in myself and when I do, it only lasts for a few months. I used to be a cranky man and for the past few months I've been less cranky. 
I used to lie a bit to her but I haven't lied to her for well over a year now. She may not believe that, but I haven't. I've had enough of my lying ways and want to change for the better, even if the truth hurts. I used to call her names and swear at her but I've stopped that as it's not how she has ever talked to me. That is just poor on my part.
I've also become too comfortable with her. I don't do the sweet, nice things I used to do for her(love notes, cuddling, etc.). I tried to fix it recently but I went overboard and that pushed her away. I miss doing those things and I believe some times when we are comfortable we forget those things that brought us together. So in time with the space I'm giving, I will slowly incorporate those things again.
She also said she wants a man, not someone who lets her walk all over her. She said I'm too nice of a guy but I don't stand up for myself or her enough. I can be a man but I hate arguing. But I do need to work on that too. I can't be a pushover all my life, and my wife pushes me around and I sometimes let her. 

Now, here's what she's been up to. About a month ago I found out she was on a dating website, plenty of fish, but I didn't say anything to her about it right away. She approached me and asked me if I knew about it and I said I did. She asked me why I didn't say something right away and I told her because I was taken aback and didn't really know what to say about the whole matter. She is not on there anymore but needless to say, she has met some men off there and has even slept with one of them. She confessed this to me and told me after she did she felt disgusting, sick and dirty. I believe that as my wife does have morals and standards. But what she is doing right now, still talking to men, tells me she really isn't over that stage. She really doesn't know why she's doing it but I think she likes the attention and sweet things these guys are saying to her. She keeps saying she's not a good person right now and I keep telling her she is a good person who is just lost. She's said that if she could wake up one day and all these issues we're having be gone this would all be solved, but that isn't going to happen.

My wife and I went through a miscarriage about a month and a half ago now. I don't think she ever fully recovered from that and she never really grieved it either. I think that is still playing on her mind and that she is having second thoughts about a lot of things. I've read that some times when a couple has a miscarriage that their relationship can change for the worse. I've been there for her and I talked to her about it but she never really said much about it until just recently. I believe she is battling some form of depression as my wife has told me she is happy with nothing in life right now, not just our marriage. She's moody, she doesn't do any household chores anymore, she doesn't like to cook...she just seems to have no passion for anything at this time, not even her new job. 
Plus, her Mom and brother live with us right now and I believe that they aren't the problem but them being there doesn't help either. We've always had someone from her family living with us throughout our relationship and that isn't healthy at all. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm giving her space and hoping for the best right now. I like the fact we still talk about things but I don't know how serious my wife is right now about wanting to reconcile. I think there is something wrong with her mentally too as she just isn't herself and is acting in very inappropriate ways. 

Any advice would be great!(Sorry this is so long)


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Ok. First thing. NEVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME. If she wants space tell her get the fück out. 

Your a nice guy. Read "No more mr nice guy" right now. 

Your wife is a cheating ***** and you want to fix her? Not your problem. There's plenty if good advice that will follow, but first, fix yourself.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

You cannot nice your way out if this!!! She even told you as much.


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## BlondeMan187 (Aug 20, 2014)

U.E. McGill said:


> Ok. First thing. NEVER LEAVE YOUR MARITAL HOME. If she wants space tell her get the fück out.
> 
> Your a nice guy. Read "No more mr nice guy" right now.
> 
> Your wife is a cheating ***** and you want to fix her? Not your problem. There's plenty if good advice that will follow, but first, fix yourself.


I've read it. Hard book to read as it doesn't apply to me at all. I'm just a guy who enjoys being nice to people. It's got nothing to do with my father abandoning me and being raised by my mother. My Dad was around a lot. I grew up in a great home.

I guess my issue is I love this woman so much that it hurts me to see what she's been doing to herself, to me and to our relationship. She does love me, that I know, but she is so blinded right now by guys paying attention to her she can't see what she has in front of her. It's not great but by God it can be better with a little work from both sides.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She went on a dating web site. She cheated on you and she's telling you that you need to fix yourself in so many words.

Well, she's right. What she did was drop her pants for another guy and has gone to dating sites on the computer and IMO, she just kicked you square in the teeth and your letting her.

If it was me, I would be back in my own home that same day I found out about her affair and I would let her know that it's now her turn to leave and she can go stay with the guy she screwed and make sure she's gone. Then have her served with divorce papers so she knows that your days of being Mister Nice are over and she now has a real tough road ahead of her.

Friend, stop being the nice guy. She isn't playing nice or fair and I think she wanted this for the sole reason to go out and hook up with someone and try to make the claim that she had the OK since you and her were separated. Keep playing the nice guy role and your in for a hard life with her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Why do you consider this woman worth you, your love and your time?

I'm serious...what is so spectacular in her or lacking in you that you could actually come to the conclusion that all of the negatives still don't outweigh the positives.

PS if she's testing you THIS much and you buckle and keep coming back to her, what do you think she's going to do to you if and when "she takes you back....."?

Wow man. Talk to your counselor on why you allow yourself to be abused!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would gather as much evidence as possible and go see a lawyer. 

Meanwhile kick her ass out (do NOT leave)


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## BlondeMan187 (Aug 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Why do you consider this woman worth you, your love and your time?
> 
> I'm serious...what is so spectacular in her or lacking in you that you could actually come to the conclusion that all of the negatives still don't outweigh the positives.
> 
> ...


Because after being with my wife for so long I know she isn't this kind of person. The positives do outweight the negatives in my mind. I'm not abused in any way. Never have been. I just know what love is as I have truly experienced it with this woman.

The only thing lacking in me is standing up for myself at times. I've been trying to fix that for myself and for our relationship this last little while. It'll take some time to figure things out but I truly do love this woman with all my heart. Maybe that makes me a sick guy, I don't know. But I know this isn't the person I married and that something is wrong with her.

She's had some tough past relationships too and I think I am bearing the brunt of some of that as well. One guy she was with asked her to lose 30 pounds before she could meet his family and then proceeded to try and cheat on her with her sister. Another boyfriend and her fought all the time. My wife has admitted she is tough to live with but I have never seen that as a fault in her. I worked around that.

I guess just love her and she can't see what she's truly doing to herself and to me right now.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

BlondeMan187 said:


> Because after being with my wife for so long I know she isn't this kind of person. The positives do outweight the negatives in my mind. I'm not abused in any way. Never have been. I just know what love is as I have truly experienced it with this woman.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Dude. You may have read the book, but you didn't get any of it. Your screaming nice guy. 

You are guilty of being a white knight. You want to save her. To "give her an environment that she doesn't have to be a screwed up girl in" is classic nice guy. It doesn't matter how you got there. Your there!

Take her off the pedestal and ask to have YOUR needs met. Give her boundaries and make her stick to them. Seriously re-read that book. Fix yourself and only yourself. Only then can you have a marriage worth it. It may not be with her. She's a train wreck and you're letting her drive like Casey Jones.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh my god.

I was you.

Now I'm not.

How?

I got pissed off.

I found my testicles, got rid of that lying, cheating, manipulative dirty skank, got my life together, that's how.

You have a second chance at mate selection.

I strongly suggest you use it.

"Wife, here's divorce papers. Pack your crap and get out of the house, I have realtors coming tomorrow. Screw your boyfriends somewhere else."

That seemed to do the trick for me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay i want you to run to the store...home depot....go to the chimes and door knobs row and and buy yourself a DOOR MAT...then i want you to wear it because apparently that is what you left your wife do to you...

you go home...yes its your home...not tomorrow to night
you tell her that is a cheating b*tch and you will not take it any more
you are the man of the house and if she wants to leave take her brother and mother with her 
and find a woman that will respect you but first of ALL MY GOD PEASE RESPECT YOURSELF....BE A MAN...GROW SOME BALLs 
PLEASE GROW UP AND BE A MAN


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Understand there's 100 years of experience in this. This is 2x4 love and it hurts. You know what, it's the truth. 

You cannot go your own way in this. Theres rules to the game that are unchanging. Look around TAM and find someone who did it your way. They all come full circle. Pay now, pay later. Your choice, but pay you will.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You found her dating profile and did nothing. When she found out that you knew, even she was surprised that you did nothing. You need to get respect from her, but first you have to be respect worthy. You "love her so much" that you're willing to tolerate blatant cheating??? Do you consider yourself a cuckold?



BlondeMan187 said:


> I've read it. Hard book to read as it doesn't apply to me at all.


LOL Keep telling yourself that.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. One thing I've learned is that you can't control another person and you can't force them to do the right thing, no matter how much you love them. I'm so glad you are seeing a counselor to help you sort through your emotions, and also to help you work on getting yourself in a healthy place. That's a great starting point.

You might want to check out the book "Love Must Be Tough: Hope for Marriages in Crisis." It has some great tips for people going through very similar circumstances as you. I know several people who have read it and found it very helpful and encouraging.

I hope things work out for you both. Hang in there, friend!


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Wow.

You're really not going to change that much. Regardless, in the back of her mind she's just going to grade your new routine because it's not genuine.

She on the other hand HAS changed...... back to the woman she always was except for a little interlude of courtship with you.

There's 3 billion women in the world, throw this one back, grow an attitude and go fishing.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Wow, you really don't get it do you. You will probably keep getting slammed in the mosh pit of despair until you understand what the other posters are trying to tell you. Good luck.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think those most blaring thing you said just got swept under the rug. Again.

She miscarried seven weeks ago.

She's grieving.




While it doesn't excuse her behavior, her pretending to be single again is her way of dealing with a more simpler time, where things weren't complicated and hurtful. The problem is, it's causing you even more hurt and pain watching her do things like re-dating.

It is admirable that you've stuck around this long, after all she's put you through. I think you've been a stand up kind of guy for doing what you're doing.

The problem is, you are ignoring your needs and desires because of it. Everything has been focused on her, her behavior, poor decisions, her affair(s).

I am sorry about the loss of your child.

You are holding on tightly to the last semblance of normalcy that's left of your marriage. It's time to let go...

What happens next, is anyone's guess. Maybe she'll come to her senses, drop all the bad stuff and come back to you. By then, you've both changed. You both are not the same people you were when you said "I do".

That will be the time to start rebuilding your relationship, whether it is as a married couple or newly single people who once shared a common bond.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

BlondeMan187 said:


> *Because after being with my wife for so long I know she isn't this kind of person.* The positives do outweight the negatives in my mind. I'm not abused in any way. Never have been. I just know what love is as I have truly experienced it with this woman.
> 
> The only thing lacking in me is standing up for myself at times. I've been trying to fix that for myself and for our relationship this last little while. It'll take some time to figure things out but I truly do love this woman with all my heart. Maybe that makes me a sick guy, I don't know. But I know this isn't the person I married and that something is wrong with her.
> 
> ...


Respectfully, I'd beg to differ. She's exactly the kind of person who's doing this to you. She's the one who's cheating on you, not the other way around. Like everyone else is saying, you need to get your **it together and quit being a nice guy to her because she sees you as weak.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hmm


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I'm sorry you have to go through that but you need to "STOP being NICE to her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's the deal.

It was _your_ kid, too.

Now you have to deal with a BSC wife that cheats on you, isn't in to you, and *the loss of your baby, too*.

The fact that she's not here for _you_ when you're grieving, too... speaks volumes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When are you going to stop rewarding your old lady for her bad behavior?

Bad behavior continues with out consequences!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I guess he was looking for validation.
Talk about fog.
What a shame.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

You need to start being a man. She's cheating on you and then told you to leave your own house and give her space? And you actually did it? Wow, this is hopeless


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

What you do is you head to the hardware store. 
1. Buy new locks/keys. 
2. With your pokerface on, tell the clerk your intentions. 
3. Drive home and install new locks.
4. Pack all her sh!t up and leave it in the front yard.
5. Do some serious soul searching.
6. Come to grips with what has happened and use it as an invaluable tool to never be used as a tool again.

Rinse and repeat.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

BlondeMan187 said:


> I've read it. Hard book to read as it doesn't apply to me at all. I'm just a guy who enjoys being nice to people. It's got nothing to do with my father abandoning me and being raised by my mother. My Dad was around a lot. I grew up in a great home.
> 
> I guess my issue is I love this woman so much that it hurts me to see what she's been doing to herself, to me and to our relationship. *She does love me, that I know,* but she is so blinded right now by guys paying attention to her she can't see what she has in front of her. It's not great but by God it can be better with a little work from both sides.


No man, I'm sorry, she doesn't. Not anymore.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

BlondeMan187 said:


> Because after being with my wife for so long I know she isn't this kind of person. The positives do outweight the negatives in my mind. I'm not abused in any way. Never have been. I just know what love is as I have truly experienced it with this woman.
> 
> The only thing lacking in me is standing up for myself at times. I've been trying to fix that for myself and for our relationship this last little while. It'll take some time to figure things out but I truly do love this woman with all my heart. Maybe that makes me a sick guy, I don't know. But I know this isn't the person I married and that something is wrong with her.
> 
> ...


Brother, I'm sorry to see this happen to you or to anyone. This woman is railroading you straight into submission and oblivion. It sounds as though you have convinced yourself she "is not this type of person" when in fact, that's exactly who she is brother. The longer this continues the harder it will be for you to get back to who you really are...a man. Fight the good fight. Don't fight for someone who doesn't give a flip about you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BlondeMan187 said:


> Because after being with my wife for so long I know she isn't this kind of person. The positives do outweight the negatives in my mind. I'm not abused in any way. Never have been. I just know what love is as I have truly experienced it with this woman.
> 
> The only thing lacking in me is standing up for myself at times. I've been trying to fix that for myself and for our relationship this last little while. It'll take some time to figure things out but I truly do love this woman with all my heart. Maybe that makes me a sick guy, I don't know. But I know this isn't the person I married and that something is wrong with her.
> 
> ...


I was like you in my first marriage.

I'm not saying this to be mean. Find yourself a good counselor and be open to this. 

Tell the counselor "I'm not sure I know the difference between love and co-dependency"

All I keep hearing is

My wife does bad things but she had a tough life
I accept her bad things because it proves how much I love her.

The problem is, the more bad things you accept, the less LOVE YOUR WIFE HAS FOR YOU!!!

She doesn't respect you and soon won't even LIKE you. She definitely doesn't LOVE you.

You're like the annoying neighborhood puppy who you kick, it runs away yelping, and then comes back the next day. People like your wife start to see it as a challenge to see how much punishment this puppy will take.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Move back home. If she protests, tell her that she can stay with one of boyfriends while you divorce.

By calmly getting the papers for ending your marriage on the kitchen table you can shock her into realizing plan B may not be there for long.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Do some research and I bet that miscarriage was an abortion.

You're being walked all over and have no chance at getting her back with your current behavior.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Your wife is acting up.
She expects you to reign her in.

Do a 180 on her ass and wake her the hell up...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

This all boils down to a lack of respect that she is showing you. Utterly and totally. And your laid back, nonchalant attitude about her misbehavior does nothing but reinforce her disrespect for you. You have given her nothing to respect. Catering to her every whim and excusing all of her bad behavior has just fed into her sense of entitlement. You'd better peel the scales off of your eyes.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know if I haven't clearly understood what you are saying or whether I am from a different planet!

Your wife went on a dating site, met up with men and slept with at least one of them and then asked you why you didn't do anything about it!!!!

Kick her ass to the curb now and get on with your life. I would divorce her immediately (and secure the proof of infidelity first). There is nothing to discuss here!


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