# New Phone Password



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm sure I'll get some harsh comments but I'm at a loss. I picked up my wife's phone this morning for the first time in about a month and is was locked by a password. I was shocked. After all of that we've been through and after the same thing with her FB a month ago when I told her to leave she starts this stuff all over again. I tell her how I don't know any other couples who have secret lives or secret passwords. I tell her how both made a commitment the other day to not do anything else destructive to our marriage. I told her how this kind of behavior over and over I took as a sign
of disrespect. Her excuse for the password was that she had a journal on there. I told her fine that I wouldn't read her journal. She still said no. Her attitude was kind of like she is going to do what she wants and she doesn't really care what I think about it. I'm not sure what else I can do other than tell her it's over. I'm at a loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She is 100% wrong and hiding something. If she wasn't she wouldn't have it pass worded.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Syrum said:


> She is 100% wrong and hiding something. If she wasn't she wouldn't have it pass worded.


Most journal software can be password protected. No need to lock entire phone. 

Put your foot down. If phone is in your name - tell her you're dropping her line. She will need to get a new one. 

Or just tell her to go. You're done. This is important to you and she's not getting it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife did this initially. She too claimed she had a journal with personal notes. I let it go because everything else seemed OK. 

I believe that people are still entitled to some degree of privacy.

A month or two after we reconciled, she willingly unlocked the phone on her own.

Her overall behavior was so "off" when she was having her EAs - I felt confident I would figure out sooner rather than later if I began seeing enough of the same signs again. I didn't feel like I needed to see EVERYTHING. 

Also - after chasing after "clues" for so long - I got really tired of worrying about what SHE was doing and started to focus more on myself. Had and still have no desire to "search" her phone for clues.

If she begins sleeping with it under her pillow, keeping it close to her body at all times, and THEN puts a passcode BACK on it, I'll KNOW there is a problem without needing to see what's on the phone itself.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sorry to hear that.

While my husband and I have e-mail accounts and he doesn't ask for my password and I don't ask for his (I know it anyway, he uses the same word for EVERYTHING - only one he can 'remember'), neither of us have locked our phone or computer. Both are open for viewing if we wish.

With your past history I would be inclined to believe that it's more than just her 'journal' that she doesn't want you to see.

Guess the ball is in your court now.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> My wife did this initially. She too claimed she had a journal with personal notes. I let it go because everything else seemed OK.
> 
> I believe that people are still entitled to some degree of privacy.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I went through a period of chasing "clues" too - it gets old and gets old fast. They are going about their lives as normal and you're freaking out with everything you're finding and they sleep like a baby.

The only person this really hurts in the one chasing the "clues." I gave up too (not an EA or PA - this was a porn issue).

Now that he's paying attention to me again - don't care what he's doing on-line - he loves me and is my husband - good enough for me.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i put up with this kind of [email protected] for 14 years with my ex, catching her several times in affairs.
let me tell you one thing she told me after i finally got the [email protected] to leave for good:
"after i was able to get past doing it the first time, even though i was getting caught, it got easier to do each time"

so take that as you wish.
i believe she is up to no good.

i for one will NEVER put up with that [email protected] again from anyone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Opacity is the same as guilt. Or you could simply take that approach. Love, like the law, is about what you prove not what you think you know.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I've gone through the same with with my wife. After some digging like a year ago I found she was exchanging nudie photo's with an ex bf and another friend. I confronted her with an iron fist and said that was extremely un acceptable. That has led to my countless insecurity issues with spying and sneaking a look at her phone or facebook. Recently she has gotten better about letting me use her phone or leaving it laying around. She believes that she should not have my passwords and I shouldnt have her's. It's a privacy thing. I said I didnt care about my passwords and she could have them. She said she had no desire. I think it's funny now though that she know's that I could find anything I wanted to at anytime so I think she knows better. I haven't seen any signs of any behavior since then so I am getting tired of chasing clues. I would put my foot down or tell her to get her own phone.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

NightEagle1981 said:


> I've gone through the same with with my wife. After some digging like a year ago I found she was exchanging nudie photo's with an ex bf and another friend. I confronted her with an iron fist and said that was extremely un acceptable. That has led to my countless insecurity issues with spying and sneaking a look at her phone or facebook. Recently she has gotten better about letting me use her phone or leaving it laying around. She believes that she should not have my passwords and I shouldnt have her's. It's a privacy thing. I said I didnt care about my passwords and she could have them. She said she had no desire. I think it's funny now though that she know's that I could find anything I wanted to at anytime so I think she knows better. I haven't seen any signs of any behavior since then so I am getting tired of chasing clues. I would put my foot down or tell her to get her own phone.


Boy it would be great to turn the tables sometimes and let our OH know exactly how it feels to feel betrayed and to have trust stomped on. It not only affects the relationship, but causes the spouse who is not doing anything sneaky to become insecure, needy, sneaky and to start spying.

I never DID any of that until my trust was shaken last year. I would have bet my last dollar that I could trust my husband completely - not anymore. It caused me to become insecure, suspicious, needy, sneaky and to start chasing clues. In the meantime - he slept like a baby and his apple cart wasn't upsided at all.

Got to be exhausting - I quit. If he's going to do something, then so be it - he'll find himself single after he's done.

I'm too old for this crap anymore.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I would make sure that they know the consequences and tell your spouse how you feel. I had gotten as low as installing a spy program in my wifes phone just so I could read her text messages and GPS her location. I'm feeling the same way, insecure and the need to be around her more to keep a watchfull eye. I would not let on too much that your keeping an eye but don't let your guard down


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## Just a guy (Feb 17, 2011)

I'm experiencing some of the same issues. I had an affair a year ago, we've been on the road to recovery and I think doing pretty well. Of course she doesn't trust me at present...so I keep my email, FB, and phone passwords so that she can get to them. However I know she has two email addresses, one of which I have no clue what the password is, I've noticed her computer records deleted and her cell phone is password protected. Based on what I did to her, my mind races to her possibly having something to hide or a revenge affair, but then I will think about other signs and think there is no way she would be doing that. 

I don't feel I have a right to confront her.....or even mention that I know she has the phone password protected and a seperate email....because of what I did when I cheated on her.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wife just keeps saying that she wants privacy and the phone is the only private thing she has. That's silly because she has two e-mail accounts that I have no access to. She also has a business phone that is off limits. She's gone all day every day and has private time then. All I did was look at her phone and ask if I could see it and she said no and still says no. I see that as a complete lack of respect. She is do sneaky. She is so defiant and self righteous and thinks she is 100% right on everything that has happened over the past 15 months. It defies logic. She feels that she hasn't done anything wrong. Even my kids are starting to be unhappy with her. My 14 year old says all she does is "thinks she's hot stuff and just comes home and eats our food and doesn't do anything". That's pretty sad. She and I went on an all day date last Saturday. Most of the time she was FBing and playing games on her phone. Sorry, just venting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Next time she does that while you're out - just walk away. leave her there. She may get it then that it's disrespectful. 

My wife tried that with me - FB Farmville while we were out to dinner. I excused myself and went outside. I left her there until she came looking for me. She was pissed until I told her why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> My wife just keeps saying that she wants privacy and the phone is the only private thing she has. That's silly because she has two e-mail accounts that I have no access to. She also has a business phone that is off limits. She's gone all day every day and has private time then. All I did was look at her phone and ask if I could see it and she said no and still says no. I see that as a complete lack of respect. She is do sneaky. She is so defiant and self righteous and thinks she is 100% right on everything that has happened over the past 15 months. It defies logic. She feels that she hasn't done anything wrong. Even my kids are starting to be unhappy with her. My 14 year old says all she does is "thinks she's hot stuff and just comes home and eats our food and doesn't do anything". That's pretty sad. She and I went on an all day date last Saturday. Most of the time she was FBing and playing games on her phone. Sorry, just venting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK - the way you described it this time didn't sound so great. I do think you should be asking her what she's doing as she's doing it. Tell her you'd like to know what is she doing that's more important than spending time with you and the children.

And make sure she knows if your children keep saying things like that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> My wife just keeps saying that she wants privacy and the phone is the only private thing she has. That's silly because she has two e-mail accounts that I have no access to. She also has a business phone that is off limits. She's gone all day every day and has private time then. All I did was look at her phone and ask if I could see it and she said no and still says no. I see that as a complete lack of respect. She is do sneaky. She is so defiant and self righteous and thinks she is 100% right on everything that has happened over the past 15 months. It defies logic. She feels that she hasn't done anything wrong. Even my kids are starting to be unhappy with her. My 14 year old says all she does is "thinks she's hot stuff and just comes home and eats our food and doesn't do anything". That's pretty sad. She and I went on an all day date last Saturday. Most of the time she was FBing and playing games on her phone. Sorry, just venting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does 'Mom' know that her own kids think she's not being a Mom?

Or does she know and doesn't care.

Sounds like 'Mom' and 'Wife' has emotionally checked out of the marriage...and that's scary, it's one thing to check out on your husband - but your kids - selfish and self-centered.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> Next time she does that while you're out - just walk away. leave her there. She may get it then that it's disrespectful.
> 
> My wife tried that with me - FB Farmville while we were out to dinner. I excused myself and went outside. I left her there until she came looking for me. She was pissed until I told her why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We declared our date nights/times to be "phone-free zones." While one or both of us will carry our phones with us when we go out on a date together, the phone is present in case an emergency with our son occurs and we need to be contacted. We will also occasionally use them to look up info on the spur of the moment (movie times, directions, etc). But as far as calls, texts, FB, etc, they're off limits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Grayson said:


> We declared our date nights/times to be "phone-free zones." While one or both of us will carry our phones with us when we go out on a date together, the phone is present in case an emergency with our son occurs and we need to be contacted. We will also occasionally use them to look up info on the spur of the moment (movie times, directions, etc). But as far as calls, texts, FB, etc, they're off limits.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would agree with this... You try that kind of behaviour on a real date, and good luck getting a "next date" with that person...

C


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Any update?


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Why are you snooping in the first place? I'm not for having secrets, but you shouldn't be going through each others things without the other knowing about it. If you're concerned about her flirting or cheating, just talk to her about it.

In some ways, snooping/spying is just untrustworthy and controlling behavior on your part.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

SoCalKat said:


> Why are you snooping in the first place? I'm not for having secrets, but you shouldn't be going through each others things without the other knowing about it. If you're concerned about her flirting or cheating, just talk to her about it.
> 
> In some ways, snooping/spying is just untrustworthy and controlling behavior on your part.


While that's certainly a valid, understandable point of view, it's success relies on the "secretive" party being honest in answering the questions posed.

When I was given reason to believe my wife was having an EA and/or a PA and asked about it, I was lied to, as tends to happen in such circumstances. It wasn't until I had undeniable proof (obtained by snooping) that she came clean about the EA. When it reared it's head again recently, I asked if she'd heard from him again (she'd told me about one email she got from him, in which he said he was moving some 8 hours away, so he figured I should no longer have any problem with them communicating), she told me she hadn't...yet I'd seen an email exchange between them from just several days earlier. I produced copies of those emails on our MC session the next day when she denied the EA was back in progress to our counselor.

Later in the week, we talked about it one on one, and she was upset that I'd snooped, asking if I thought that my sense the OM was back in the picture made it ok to snoop. I replied that I didn't THINK it was "ok," but that I KNEW it was the only way I'd ever gotten an honest answer about him. When put that way, her only response after a few moments of silence was, "I guess if I'm going to act like a child by lying and keeping secrets like that, I should be prepared to be treated like a child."

So, yes...by all means, certainly try talking first. But if 1+1 still keeps adding up to 3, it might be worth digging a little deeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

SoCalKat said:


> Why are you snooping in the first place? I'm not for having secrets, but you shouldn't be going through each others things without the other knowing about it. If you're concerned about her flirting or cheating, just talk to her about it.
> 
> In some ways, snooping/spying is just untrustworthy and controlling behavior on your part.


The way I see it - its not snooping or spying unless they're hiding something.

Otherwise you're just looking at your partner's phone. No big deal.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SoCalKat said:


> Why are you snooping in the first place? I'm not for having secrets, but you shouldn't be going through each others things without the other knowing about it. If you're concerned about her flirting or cheating, just talk to her about it.


How about 2+ years worth of talking? This isn't Mike's first trip to the rodeo. Your advice is just fine when still having the luxury of believing 'innocent til' proven guilty.' 
'Talking' never, ever, ever, means that your disloyal spouse will tell you that they are being disloyal.



> In some ways, *snooping/spying is just untrustworthy and controlling behavior on your part.*


Without accusing you of anything, I can tell you unequivocally, those are the very first words that will come out of a cheating spouses mouth when they discover they are being spied on. You're right ... spying is untrustworthy, usually with damn good reason.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I don't think it's appropriate to spy on your partner under any circumstances. They are not a piece of property. The truth will come out because they ALWAYS screw up and get caught. Furthermore if you have to check on your spouse then they are not worth it. That or you are just an insecure baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I don't think it's appropriate to spy on your partner under any circumstances. They are not a piece of property. The truth will come out because they ALWAYS screw up and get caught. Furthermore if you have to check on your spouse then they are not worth it. That or you are just an insecure baby.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure they ALWAYS screw up... Like the guys here who were married for 20+ years, and found their wives were cheating on them from the first 6 months on... You MIGHT eventually find out, but how much of your marriage will have been based on a lie?

As someone who has cheated in the past, I'd agree with the posts that

a) The cheater will likely not break down and confess to the truth just because you ask. A more likely scenario is that you'll get a admission of what you tell them you already know, and they'll continue to hide the rest until you dig it up. AKA "trickle truth".

b) Once a cheater has been uncovered, they lose the right to most "privacy" when it comes to communication (in particular). Email, SMS, phone records, FB, etc. That's part of the price they pay if they want the relationship to continue. If they're not willing to pay that price, then the relationship will have a hard time continuing, and the loyal spouse has a strong possibility of getting burned again.

Having said all that, it's not difficult for a cheater to go "deeper" with regards to hiding their communication.

C


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I don't think it's appropriate to spy on your partner under any circumstances. They are not a piece of property. The truth will come out because they ALWAYS screw up and get caught. Furthermore if you have to check on your spouse then they are not worth it. That or you are just an insecure baby.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth could be hitting you right on the face and you not see it if you are not looking for it...I have been in a relationship for 7 years, past 4 have been nothing but lies...And we always end up "talking", and she always ends up lying, until I snoop and find otherwise and confront her with it, then a little bit of the truth comes out, with crying and apologizing and promises of "never again", and since we are "talking" I believed it and even had a date to get married this year....until I "spied" again...so if your gut is telling you something is wrong, just go ahead and talk to you other half as you said and you shall get nothing but the truth, ignorance is bliss.


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## Nissan (Mar 20, 2011)

I keep my password a secret from my wife. Reason: to prevent identity theft. I write down my passwords, but they are very cryptic. Example: I have base password that is made up of the name of my first fighter squadron (I'm a former Navy pilot), the first letters of the name of the squadron mascot, plus the first letters of the slogan for my last squadron. Next, I remember the 4-digit address of the house I grew up in, and tag that to the end of the base password. Written dow, my passwords will read: "Regular password minus slogan plus address minus aunt's area code." My wife would not bother with that. Instead, she would just write the actual password down...not good.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm completely fed up. My wife still has her phone locked. On it she has all her calls, texting, a secret e-mail account and a lot of other networking stuff. I told her over the last few days that it is really starting to annoy me that she has all of this stuff locked down and denies me access to it. I try to discuss it with her last night and this morning and tell her how:

1. She is being disrespectful to me and to our marriage
2. That after the past year we were in the process of building trust back up and that this is doing just the opposite
3. That it seems like she is acting like she wants to be single
4. That she seems to be choosing her job, co-workers and social networking privacy over her husband and marriage because this is really starting to be more than what I can deal with
5. That she is really starting to create a lot of resentment in me towards her with all of this secrecy

Basically she doesn't care and just goes into her usual puffed-up pissed-off Kathy Lee Gifford attitude. She starts in on me that she deserves privacy and that I should just trust her. She says that I will probably read something and take it the wrong way so she has to deny me access so that there isn't any mis-understandings. She say that over the past year that she has done enough to earn some privacy. Am I seeing this all wrong? Am I all wrong?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> I'm completely fed up. My wife still has her phone locked. On it she has all her calls, texting, a secret e-mail account and a lot of other networking stuff. I told her over the last few days that it is really starting to annoy me that she has all of this stuff locked down and denies me access to it. I try to discuss it with her last night and this morning and tell her how:
> 
> 1. She is being disrespectful to me and to our marriage
> 2. That after the past year we were in the process of building trust back up and that this is doing just the opposite
> ...


No - you aren't wrong at all. It could truly be nothing - but she should be willing to be open if its bothering you.

Now it becomes a matter of figuring out what to do about it...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I password my phone because I want whomever steals this one to have to work harder to get to use it than my last one.

I have information on there that I do not want to share with complete strangers.

Identity theft is a real worry.

Yeah, my most sensitive things on the phone are further passworded and encrypted in an app. However, email and such are not.

I set the phone to wipe out everything after some number of attempts to guess at a password.

That said, if my wife (who cheated for years and we're almost done) wanted to see my phone I'd let her. I have nothing to hide from her.

I still think it is a good idea to password the phone even if someone is insecure.

Does it enable cheating? It could. But so can just going to the grocery store.

A cheater exploits anything at all to cheat. It's in their way of being.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've never demanded passwords. Where I've seen improvement is when I ask my wife what she's doing, she's willing to show me (more often than not).

Does your wife use the phone much when you are around? Does she quickly turn it off or hide the screen when you come near? Would she be willing to unlock it and let you look around a bit - or look over her shoulder while she "steers" around?

My wife does not currently have a code on her phone. From what I've seen of iPhones (i don't have one and don't know much about them) - she could still easily hide things from me without locking the phone itself.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> Basically she doesn't care


There's the answer to your problem. It took me over a year of talking, pleading, begging for her to change when I realized she just doesn't care. Never will. There are priorities greater than you in her life. Better yourself and move on.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

What was that quote I heard not too long ago? "A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing?" All passwords are shared in my marriage. We are transparent. Why create mystery if there is no mystery? Sounds like there is something to hide here.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Once again this hits straight home... 

My W has been deleting "selected" messages on her sony ericsson, and also "selected" recently dialled list. HEr reason is she has become a confidant of two of his officemates, one hideously ugly, and another looker. I also added a Network Location Tracker service to that - my reason initially was to make sure she is safe when she is travelling, coz she rarely SMSs me... At the time I am smelling something, it got deactivated (called the network, and they said the only way to deactivate it is for the user to send an SMS for deactivation). 

All she can say is there are some things they talk about that I have nothing to do with, therefore, no sense in me seeing it. My point exactly is what has been replied on the other page, if there is nothing to hide, why hide at all? Or at least, we can add that as one of our "small-talks" at the end of a busy work right? 

It comes to a point that when she takes a bath in the morning, she hides her phone (coz she caught me numerous times that I am snooping around). Her phone has been in silent/non-vibrate for as long as I can remember, so thats not an issue for me... 

It irritates the hell out of me... She SMSs her friends more than she does me, and her only reason for that is - I sleep beside you, isnt that enough? Geezzz :rofl:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> My wife did this initially. She too claimed she had a journal with personal notes. I let it go because everything else seemed OK.
> 
> I believe that people are still entitled to some degree of privacy.
> 
> ...


I actually sleep with phone under pillows and I'm not cheating. I am breastfeeding and if I get up in middle of night I'll read this board or facebook. I also have teens (not the kids I'm breastfeeding lol) and they text me when home safe and sound. That said my phone isn't password protected and H can grab it anytime. I often leave phone out unattended and he can see it any time. I agree it's whole demeanor. It just struck me as funny as I sleep with my phone for reasons I mentioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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