# Fight on our 5th Anniversary - advice needed



## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Hi All,

Today is the 5th Wedding anniversary for my wife and I.

It's not really gone to plan we had a big fight, and now it's a big mess, she won't talk to me and, I have about 7 hours to salvage something from the day.

I had planned a day and night away with her.

The day started well, she woke up and I gave her a gift and a card - as traditionally you would.

But it was after this that things went bad. I drove us to an exhibition for something she really likes, and I thought she'd love to see it - however this was strike one, she told me it was not romantic enough and that it was not suitable for our anniversary, I then received to my surprise a torrent of verbal abuse followed by her throwing her wedding and engagement rings at me in the car.

The second thing I had planned was a stay at a hotel, I had booked a room overnight, booked her in for a massage and I ordered flowers and champagne to the room.

When we arrived at the hotel (Still angry), she started making comments about the hotel, saying it wasn't nice enough and that she didn't want to stay there.

I managed to get her to check in with me and I said at least check out the room, so she did - she walked into the room where the flowers and champagne were sitting and then walked out again and said she is not staying there.

I ended up getting the room refunded and we then drove home, in which time I received another torrent of verbal abuse and her telling me she can't believe that I didn't care enough about her to give her a good wedding anniversary.

She came home, and she has now gone to bed, sobbing, I tried to console her but she told me to go away and leave her alone.

We also have theatre tickets I booked for tomorrow night as part of my gift to her, but this is in doubt now too.

I'm feeling pretty broken right now, I've been in tears and my confidence crushed - I really want to make one last effort to try and do something right today to make her happy and see her smile, I really love my wife but I really do not know what to do... 

... in these circumstances what the hell can I do to rectify this and give her something to smile about... ? 

Please any suggestions are welcome..

Feeling lost and feeling blue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What did she get you for your anniversary? 

I'm guessing this situation is a symptom of much more significant issues in your relationship. Tip of the iceberg and all that. So maybe start with a bigger picture of your marriage. 

C


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

From your post, it sounds like your wife has quite a sense of entitlement. From my perspective, it seems you planned a nice anniversary celebration. Champagne, flowers, a massage, and all the rest seems pretty romantic to me.

But as PBear said, there is a lot more to this than a single incident.

What's going on in the relationship that actually provoked her outburst? Because my gut instinct tells me it was triggered by something more than an exhibition she deemed not "romantic" enough for an anniversary.


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Hi Pbear,

She said she ordered something but it didn't arrive yet, she made a video montage of our 5 years and posted it on facebook.

An overview, we have been married for 5 years, we were together a year before that.

We were separated for a year during our marriage as she walked out on me about 3 years ago, we had usual marital issues however the reasons she walked out on me were questionable. 
For instance she said I was invading her space - yet an example of her perception of this was one night I was off to bed, I put my head around the door to say good night whilst she was studying and she blew up about it saying I was in her space. 

In the time we separated she wanted to 'see' other people I didn't want to agree to it, yet she already started to before she actually put an agreement in place with me. After a while I thought she was gone so I began to see other people too, only then she came running back to me and now three years on she still uses it against me that I saw other girls - even though she was dating other guys. 

Physically we have some issues, the frequency of our sex life is not great - mostly to do with us fighting when she hurls her abuse at me for whatever reason I don't really feel in the mood for it yet she expects me to pretend like it never happened.

Those are just a few pointers.. I know we have issues but I am really trying to make it work.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So she's cheated on you, verbally abused you for years, and you're bending over doing the "Nice Guy" thing to win her approval? 

Here's a hint. It's not going to work. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". My first guess is that she's lost all respect for you (assuming she had any), so your only value is what you can do for her. 

Does she work? Kids? 

C


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Cheated - emotionally yes, physically she is adamant she didn't.

She works part-time, she quit her day job to pursue a career in acting and modelling which she is doing, and to be fair she is doing well for herself. 

We don't have kids, that is another issue, she is uncertain if she wants kids, says she'd prefer to adopt than have her own.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You might want to look up "narcissistic personality disorder". Has your relationship always been this tumultuous? 

C


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

It's been a rollercoaster to be honest from about 6 months in, her good side is really good but her bad side is shocking. 
There seems to be no middle ground.

Difficult to deal with at times, she will only accept answers to things at times where she tries to get me to agree with her that perspective is "how I see things" (Basically trying to tell me what I am thinking myself!) irrelevant of actually how I explain how I feel on a matter - if that makes sense, when this happens I usually walk away because I know I will not win those arguments.

I'm 33 she is 26, looking ahead I don't know how or if or when she will change...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, she is being a brat and abusing you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look into the books I mentioned. BTW, if you gave each of you a "sex ranking" from 1 to 10, where would you both be? 

C


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Thanks, I'll have a look.

Wow, tough question.. probably around the 5-7 mark (for both) dependent on mood and circumstance. Higher during good times, lower in bad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've missed my point... I'm talking about sexual attractiveness. If a random guy looks at your wife in the bar, is he thinking she's a 10, or a 5? Same question for you. 

C


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Sorry, I see what you mean.

She is likely a 9+

I guess I'd probably say 7 for myself... hard to judge yourself.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

London_Blues said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Today is the 5th Wedding anniversary for my wife and I.
> 
> ...


Wow! What a horrid person your wife is! What you planned would be loved and appreciated by 99+% of the female population. It is far more than my husband has ever planned in our 24 years of marriage and yet I don't care about that as the day to day small things mean so much more to me.

It sounds like you put a lot of thought into planning some really nice things for the two of you. But she is a spoiled brat! Reading your past posts, I don't know why you would be even celebrating being married to her really. She sounds awful. 

Do yourself a favor and get rid of her and this time make it final with a divorce! You can find someone who will love and appreciate you far more than she will ever be capable of.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I can't in good conscience advise you to make it up to your wife.

Agree with PBear though. Have a skim through this.

https://www.clearviewwomenscenter.com/borderline-narcissistic-personality-disorder-differences.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, did you see the video she put together? Did it actually involve effort on her part? 

C


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

London_Blues said:


> She works part-time, she quit her day job to pursue a career in acting and modelling which she is doing, and to be fair she is doing well for herself.


Don't get too attached to her, once she reaches considerable fame she will start thinking she can do better than you, probably that's what your troubles are about in the the first place.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

London_Blues said:


> ... in these circumstances what the hell can I do to rectify this and give her something to smile about... ?


I don't think it's a matter of figuring out how to make her happy.

If your sense of well-being and self-esteem are gained, even to some degree, from making this woman happy, you are in for a lot of heartache.

She's a self-serving, entitled b!tch. Sorry, but that is the picture you paint here.

You would be better served trying to figure out why you put up with her nonsense. Have you heard of the 180? You need it for YOU, not her.

It's one thing to be a nice guy, it's another to be a doormat who tolerates abuse.

And I think you need to seriously consider why you put up with a moody, spoiled brat. Good times don't necessarily make up for being treated like dirt when you try to please someone.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The way women are programmed to think... Wow


Gotta love blanket statements


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The way women are programmed to think... Wow
> 
> 
> Gotta love blanket statements


That's because you're programmed to love blanket statements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mr.bunbury said:


> Don't get too attached to her, once she reaches considerable fame she will start thinking she can do better than you, probably that's what your troubles are about in the the first place.* Its the way women are programed to think.* There is not much you can do about it except detach and minimize your pain.


Totally uncalled for bashing of all women. Most women are not programmed to think this way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Reading your post and all the planning you put into for this anniversary... I can think of many wives who would be sooo touched if their husbands took the time ... 

You sound like a very thoughtful loving man....

For her to react as you have described here..I'm sorry....Ungrateful is an understatement... she stomped on your kindness and spit in your face....

You mentioned how she is in modeling , a 9+ in attractiveness... looking back.. I have to ask.. did you see the red flags of her behavior expecting more from you - while not giving back herself ? 

I agree with the the others, she is NOT respecting you as a husband -it's very ugly behavior, she is not a happy woman within herself at the very least and she is taking it out on you.... she needs a rude awakening that you won't worship at her feet. She needs to understand what she has to lose ...

You said you only dated a year.. so you married before that "dopamine rush" Infatuation phase wore off.. and her true colors came to light... unfortunate....

With her basically cheating on you... then running back when you decide to play her game.. she justified her own need to see other men ....then judges you.... no self awareness... she thinks her sh** doesn't stink and she can do better, that some other man will swoop in and BE all that you are lacking in....and it's still going on ...



> *Prodigal said*: Good times don't necessarily make up for being treated like dirt when you try to please someone.


:iagree: This only beats someone down... walking on egg shells through a marriage always trying to appease the others Moods, crumbs of appreciation.. what a bitter pill to swallow, it was never meant to be this way.... 



> Originally Posted by *London_Blues *:
> She works part-time, she quit her day job to pursue a career in acting and modelling which she is doing, and to be fair she is doing well for herself.


just looking at Hollywood, those who achieve fame, brushing up against other hot whomever...it takes a very grounded person who is in harmony...puts commitment / faithfulness & fair treatment of their spouse above all.. don't see it happening here given all you have shared.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The way women are programmed to think... Wow
> 
> 
> Gotta love blanket statements


run: BlossomUpdate.exe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

This is a troll....right???


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The way women are programmed to think... Wow
> 
> 
> Gotta love blanket statements


This is not the place to have this kind of debate, they don't help the situation at hand, i merely wanted to point out smth that had escaped attention before so i am editing my previous post to leave out generalizations. 

Women do make their choice of partners based on what i mentioned above but most have enough integrity to stand by their decision, looks like this is not the case here.


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## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Simply Amorous - thank you for your kind words and your feedback - and to everyone for that matter.

Simply Amorous, yes I do try to be thoughtful, I'm not perfect however who is. 
I tried to make the point that it's not the hotel or the standard hotel (it was 4* by the way), and it was not about the room but rather today was our special day and no matter where we were in the world as long as we were together it nothing else should matter... but that got shot down, and was told it was about the hotel and that I booked a 'cheap' hotel - which I can assure you at 4* it wasn't, tell me please - but am I missing something here? I thought anniversaries are about spending time together?

Back to your points- red flags - no I didn't see them at the time.. unfortunately.

What kind of rude awakening would even be effective in this situation?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your wife makes me think of the 'Princess and the Pea' story. You can't fix her attitude, and I don't think you are cold enough to handle someone like this. She needs someone who'll give her icy glares and firm reprimands when she behaves like a spoilt brat, not a guy who tries harder, I'm sorry to say.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You sound like a troll. 

(1) I highly doubt any woman would call a 4 star hotel filled with flowers and champagne cheap regardless of what the room looks like whether she is a spoiled brat or not;

(2) I highly doubt any woman would turn down any of this (and a massage) whether she is a 9, 4, celebrity, whatever.

(3) I highly doubt any man would still after all the thought and expenses being put off by his crazy wife would still want to make her smile at the end of the night unless he is a fool.

Advice: Stop posting BS. And if by some crazy chance you really are who you say you are, put your man pants back on. Money doesn't buy happiness; however, it does buy spoiled women who f*ck everyone but you. You are her father and she is your wittle princess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

London_Blues said:


> What kind of rude awakening would even be effective in this situation?



Have no doubt that she is wrong, her reaction was/is horrible. You put together a beautiful, romantic few days and she threw a temper tantrum because she's an entitled, narcissistic woman. 

So now it's time for you to let her know that you will not allow yourself to be treated this way.

My suggestion is that you cancel any further plans for this anniversary. Then you sit her down and tell her what you cancelled. That you will not put up with her selfish mistreatment. Either she goes to marriage counseling with you NOW and puts 100% effort into your marriage or you are filing for divorce.

With talks like this, it works best if you have a set of divorce papers in hand. You can find some on the internet and add info like your names, etc. 

If she gives you any flack and refuses to put in 100% to change then see an attorney and file for divorce.

Most women would absolute love what you put together. Geez, most of us have never had our husbands do even half of that.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What have you done in the past that allowed her expectation of this anniversary to be more than what you provided?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

mr.bunbury said:


> This is not the place to have this kind of debate, they don't help the situation at hand, i merely wanted to point out smth that had escaped attention before so i am editing my previous post to leave out generalizations.
> 
> Women do make their choice of partners based on what i mentioned above but most have enough integrity to stand by their decision, looks like this is not the case here.


Edit appreciated.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

"Pretty is what pretty does". Your wife is not beautiful inside. She is an entitled queen. She is ungrateful and thinks so highly of herself. You need to evaluate your marriage. It is not easy for me to give you advice to divorce her and look for a woman with greater inner substance. I am married ongoing 35 years and would not like to see marriages fail. In your case, your chances of success is slim.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

What kind of rude awakening would she need?! Divorce papers. 

I would be ecstatic if my husband went through all that trouble and booked us a hotel for a night (1*, 2*, no stars doesn't matter) along with flowers and wine (bc he knows I don't like champagne) AND a massage?! She honestly sounds like an entitled ***** and you deserve someone who will appreciate the effort you are putting forth. 

Hell, over halloween, my husband bought us tickets to a haunted prison that I've been wanting to go to forever and I was over the moon happy. 

Women like her don't change, do yourself a favor and get away from her, find someone who will appreciate you and call it a day.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife sounds like an entitled princess B****. I'd be happy with any of the things you planned for her. Hasn't she every heard the phrase that it's that thought that counts?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

London_Blues said:


> It's been a rollercoaster to be honest from about 6 months in, her good side is really good but her bad side is shocking. There seems to be no middle ground.


London, this rapid flipping between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) is called "splitting" and "black-white thinking." This behavior, together with the other behaviors you describe, are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and/or NPD (Narcissistic PD). 

Significantly, if your W does have strong traits of BPD/NPD as you seem to be describing, her emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. Granted, this may be difficult to see in a gorgeous woman who has the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full grown woman. But a childish feeling of entitlement seems evident in your descriptions of a woman who doesn't want to have children with you only because your family is not good looking enough to produce attractive children -- and who wants to quit her job and become an actress or model.



> I don't know how or if or when she will change.


If she really does have strong BPD or NPD traits, she almost certainly WILL change. She will get WORSE. Because those disorders typically are invisible to the person having them, it is very rare for a BPDer or narcissist to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference. Indeed, I've never heard of therapy being successful for narcissists.

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD and NPD red flags so you know what behaviors are on the list. Spotting them is not difficult because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as strong verbal abuse, grandiosity, strong feeling of entitlement, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. 

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, London.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

"if her good side is really good but her bad side is shocking" - I'd bet that her good side is almost completely fake, and her bad side is who she really is. sounds like you married a woman with PD. 
the best thing you can do is admit to yourself you picked a major loser for a partner, and go about getting rid of her. she truly sounds horrible to me......


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

London sadly this will not get better Uptown may be right here but either way read...
Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

and

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=no more mr nice guy pdf

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/product-reviews/0762415339


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

In fact go out tomorrow with friends and ignore her and turn off your phone.
What she did to you was abusive so STOP putting up with it!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Uptown said:


> London, this rapid flipping between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) is called "splitting" and "black-white thinking." This behavior, together with the other behaviors you describe, are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and/or NPD (Narcissistic PD).
> 
> Significantly, if your W does have strong traits of BPD/NPD as you seem to be describing, her emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. Granted, this may be difficult to see in a gorgeous woman who has the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full grown woman. But a childish feeling of entitlement seems evident in your descriptions of a woman who doesn't want to have children with you only because your family is not good looking enough to produce attractive children -- and who wants to quit her job and become an actress or model.
> 
> ...



Uptown (and OP please listen in on this):

as a layman (e.g. OP or me) I think it would be difficult to distinguish between someone with NPD and someone with ASPD - sociopath/psychopath. any comment on that? Someone with an undeveloped conscience (??) vs someone with no conscience at all. am thinking marriage to a genuine sociopath could be dangerous - literally.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

London_Blues said:


> *Cheated - emotionally yes, physically she is adamant she didn't.*
> 
> She works part-time, she quit her day job to pursue a career in acting and modelling which she is doing, and to be fair she is doing well for herself.
> 
> We don't have kids, that is another issue, she is uncertain if she wants kids, says she'd prefer to adopt than have her own.


they all say that. I agree with others it's time to nip this childish behavior in the nose now before another 7 years goes by


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I think it would be difficult to distinguish between someone with NPD and someone with ASPD - sociopath/psychopath. any comment on that?


NN, a person having a full-blown disorder may be low- or high-functioning. If they are low functioning, I doubt it would be difficult to distinguish between the warning signs for NPD and ASPD. Yet, if they are LF, it is highly unlikely you would ever be dating them for any extended period, much less be engaged to them.

The more interesting case, then, is when they are HF -- which the vast majority of PD sufferers are. In this case, you likely will see few -- if any -- warning signs for the initial 4 to 6 months of the relationship because the person's infatuation will hold her fears at bay. After the infatuation evaporates, however, it generally is not difficult to spot strong occurrences of the warning signs because there is nothing subtle about traits such as grandiosity, selfishness, and lack of empathy.

Indeed, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. 

That said, I do agree with you that it can be difficult to spot the HF narcissists and HF sociopaths when you have not had the opportunity to spend several months observing their behavior. Similarly, HF BPDers typically show their dark side only to the few people who choose to draw close to them. And, even then, that dark side usually does not appear until the infatuation has worn off. 

Further, I note that a substantial share of the HF sociopaths are so cunning and well disciplined that they may be able to pass for "normal" even after you've known them for several years -- if they have a powerful motive (e.g., your life savings) for keeping their dark side hidden. Unlike BPDers, these sociopaths are very stable and thus are not exposed by any erratic behavior showing emotional instability. And unlike narcissists, they do not need your praise or validation and thus will not be exposed by any behavior showing a need for your admiration.

A friend of my family made the mistake of marrying such a man. When my exW and I stayed with them for several days, he drove us all over town and was very generous and charming. When they came to visit us a year later, he was a joy to be around for the several days they stayed here. Yet, over a period of 5 years, he had been draining off her inheritance of several hundred thousand dollars, putting it away in an offshore account. He hid this transfer of money by starting a new business with her and then disguising the money transfers as "losses" to that business. As soon as the money had all been transferred, he simply walked away from his W and filed for divorce.


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