# From my wife's perspective - I think



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

When we met, she was married to a man that was beating her up. She was married to him because they had an agreement that he would live in another part of the country and that the marriage would only be on paper for the purposes of his father's satisfaction that his eldest son was married and for her it was for her mother and financial support. After they married he decided not to live apart and that's when the domestic violence started. I met her about 1 year into their marriage. They knew each other from their early twenties and she was 32 when they married and 33 when she met me. I was in a relationship living with my girlfriend looking for a way out, I was 23 and still knew to 'long term' relationships. It was our chance encounter that set in motion events that would lead her to divorcing her husband and me moving out. She moved in with me right away. Her mother was not pleased and her ex tried to re-negotiate her back into his life, never knowing that I was around. I was selfish, I wanted her to myself, I didn't care that she was married, I just knew that I was in love and felt loved back.

When she moved in with me, she was leaving a 'rich' life (Her ex and his family are quite rich) to a 'less rich' life. She seemed to adjust just fine. Because I was still in my 'party' phase, she often accompanied me to the clubs and enjoyed herself too. She missed out on some of that fun during her twenties because she was caring for her father (In a hospital since she was 18, died 18 years later). She has since said that in those years there were times where she felt she had to be patient. There were times when she was disappointed and didn't know if she could really count on me. I was 23...what could I say. I wasn't a 'grown up' just yet. For years she had said she wanted a family and while I was most certainly interested in having a family, we weren't married yet. I asked her to marry me but she said we should wait a while. She felt that my mother wouldn't be happy knowing that I was going to marry someone older (9 years older) and someone who was already married once. I told her it was my life and that my life was not for my mother to decide. 5 years later we married, but not in a grand ceremony. We went to city hall, signed some papers and it was done. She has since said "It felt like nothing special. I don't know what marriage is." I told that we may have not planned the day like most, but that that day was special to me. I think she wanted something special and I regret not having thought about that more.

As a perk to what I do as work, renting a church and music is quite easy, but still not cheap. We took a look at some places but in the end she always looked at the price and said "We could do this or that with the same money." So I was getting mixed signals. We still hadn't gone back to my home country to meet my side of the family. So that got put on hold.

As the years went by I was moving out of the 'clubbing and partying' phase of my life and more into 'work and make money' phase. She was also working full-time. She would often bring up the fact that she was 'old' and that other people her age already had kids. Unfortunately, while we were trying to have kids ourselves, we didn't know that I had a low sperm count. Something only recently discovered. I wish I had put more time into the baby making process and thought more about her age and having kids. I guess I always though 'it will happen, we just have to be patient'. It's only when a doctor told her she was healthy that I decided to get myself checked out and found the problem. I should've done that sooner. We might have had a couple kids already.

My hobby is photography. I love cameras and camera equipment. It's an expensive hobby but it has some great benefits. The first is my wife trusts me with all our photographic needs. She wants a new profile picture, I can do it. She wants some photos to send to friends of us, I can set it up, she wants me to take pictures while we're out and about, not a problem. I wish I had taken some of that money and put it into something she liked. Don't get me wrong, I do my best to find things she likes and buy them regardless of price. She is a wine drinker and has every wine accessory I could find. Every birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day...I'm always on top of things trying to figure out what she wants.

We don't have wedding rings. We've gone out and looked at some, but she's not keen on the 'affordable' rings and when she sees the prices of the pricier rings she again says "We could travel here or go there for the same amount." I wish I had just found a pair that I know she would like, save the money and just buy them without her knowing. I also never got her a proper engagement ring, which I wish I had done.

My wife has always been good at taking care of herself. Her fashion and make-up are always things she takes good care of. She doesn't need expensive clothes to make what she wears look good. I, on the other hand, am more a 'comfort' guy. I like the shoes I wear not because they look nice but because they feel good. I imagine there are times when we've gone out where she's been beauty and I've been the beast. She never once complained out right, but looking back I can see that there were definitely times I could've taken better care of myself. 

Housework is something I've never been good at. As soon as I moved out of my home I was living with a roommate and we were never at home to make a mess. When I moved to this country I lived in a kind of expats house where everyone was living out of their suitcases. When I met my first long term girlfriend I moved in with her and because she was such a neat freak I never had to do anything. That was one of the reasons I didn't like her in the end. She was going above and beyond normal clean. 2 showers a day was a must. You had to wash your feet after you took your socks off after you've been outside...even though your socks were in your shoes. When my wife and I started living together things sort of got done and I never fully appreciated it. I let things get too dirty around the house and with both of us working it was hard for her to take care of everything. Seeing this now, I've taken a whole new approach to life at home. I cleaned this place top to bottom. There is nothing in the house that needs cleaning and if it starts to get dusty, I dust. If the floors need sweeping, I sweep. It's only been a while since I've been doing this but I imagine my wife has been patient in that way. Where we differ in opinion still is I wish that if something needed to be done she would ask "Can you do this?" and I would have no problem doing it. The reason for this is simple, there's my way and there's her way...my way is never quite the right way. I wait for instructions and then go from there. This was not something she was happy with, she wanted me to just take charge and if I did it wrong then do it right AFTER I do it wrong...which makes no sense, but now I just wish I had done it.

Time to myself...I think I took too much. When I work 12 hours I come home and need to deprogram myself with some television or some reading. There were times I would go from deprogramming to being consumed by whatever it was I was doing. That left little time for my wife and OUR time. I hesitate to say little time because we did go out on dates and to different social gatherings together. She would come home tired from late shifts at her work as well and I didn't want to get in the way of her own deprogramming. I should've spent more time keeping in touch with her. I guess I just never imagined we would be 'out' of touch.

I have taken responsibility for the ways I've acted and what I have done (Or not done) but I always wished she had communicated her dissatisfaction with me when the times came. She said "I thought that this is what a wife was suppose to do, so I thought I had to just be patient." When in fact had she told me I would've jumped to it much faster.

She said that in the past year or two that divorce was on her mind. Maybe not intensely but she was thinking 'maybe I'm not meant to be a wife because I can't be patient'. I told her that while what I did was wrong and what she did was no excuse, that we can both work on this together and get by this. She has slammed the breaks on having kids (She's 40 now and I do worry about her health in having children if she waits too long) and she still feels she needs time to fix whatever is broken inside her. She says "I love you but I'm not sure what love is. If I love you like I think I do, why did I do what I did." While I don't see a whole lot of remorse, she has said "I am thinking about what I did and I do know that I hurt you and I'm sorry." the apologies have been far less than I expected and I've been doing more of the apologizing.

What has me worried right now is that while the chances are low, because my sperm count is up above normal and we've had unprotected sex (we've never used protection) that she might be pregnant and not know it. I don't want our child to be one conceived at a time when she's contemplating her life. I do hope that if she is pregnant that she embraces it...and I think she will change with that kind of news, I wish I could've kept the snake in the cage a little longer so as not to force this on her if it turns out she is.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

So why don't you do some of these things you hadn't done. I would say that they are not likely to make a difference, but if you do them you will feel better. You can say you gave your best effort. Why not buy those wedding bands? It sounds like she has all ways been tentative. (I had a similar situation with wedding rings. I misplaced them in the house. I knew we would find them. She offered to but new ones. I told her to wait because they would show up. Several times over two years she offered to get new ones on special days and I chose other presents. Did she conclude that I didn' t love her because I wouldn't commit to getting new rings. Lo and behold the rings showed up in my son's drawer between some shirts. Too late?)
You need to change those bad habits. Before my wife left we had bad habits of doing are own thing at home. She would watch her shows and I would do some paper work. Now that she has gone, I make time with my son. He may be on his computer playing a game and I wll take my laptop to where he is an "parallel play". That way we chat and bond. Quite the change. Can you do something like that with your wife. What about playing board games or video games (and letting her win!) I thought about playing more games with my wife so we could spend the evening together but let it pass. Mistake.
Anyone else have ideas. Bring her flowers?


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I have made the changes as far as house work goes. It's going to be a challenge to keep it this way, but I am up to it.

As for wedding bands and a proper engagement ring...well, last week I went out and bought a ring and asked her to meet me at a downtown area. I was going to bring her up to a roof top chapel and propose to her properly with a ring and tell her that while I am proposing she doesn't need to feel pushed, that this is something I should've done a long time ago. When I sent her a text asking her to meet me, she responded with "Why?" and "What's going to happen." When I got her on the phone she said "OK, I can come down but please don't do anything where you're going to try and make me feel happy. I don't want you to get your hopes up because I'm not in a place where I can be happy." So I returned the ring and went home. Later that week I would find out that she felt 'pushed' and then guilty for not going after I told her "Maybe next time."

Ever since all this happened, I spend most of my time at home with her or helping. I try to talk with her about her interests. These are things I am doing to open up the lines of communication again. On the day I caught her, I broke her wine glass (Amongst other things) in a fit of rage. A week later I bought her a new one with a tiny message "To replace the one I broke." Thing is, the quality of the glass was different and she knew it and gave me the disclaimer message "Don't feel bad but I can tell you this glass is not the same." as she showed me the differences in the glass I bought her and the one I broke.

I've decided to sell some of photograph equipment on ebay in preparation for when I can propose to her properly and get those wedding bands. Right now I think she'll see it as my futile attempt at getting her back when she's either not ready to be 'back' or just wants to be alone without the pressure of "Well, now he went and spent all this money on a ring I guess I have to smile. I wish he had done this earlier."

My wife admits to being difficult and selfish. She says in part because of how she was raised by her parents. So what do I do in the mean time...while she's not ready to accept gifts of any type....I guess talk and hope that she reconnects with me. But part of me still feels like she wishes she could be alone with only herself to worry about.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

She wants it. She doesn't want it. Did you get a wedding ring for yourself? What do you have to lose? She doesn't have her "space". But it doesn't appear you need that separation. Is she still having the affair. I think I am mixing up your thread with someone else's. Refresh my memory as to where that stands. Have you tried pro-marriage counselling.
You can show your commitment by wearing your ring.
What do others think?


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Long story short, after I have all the facts: She was feeling like we weren't getting on as husband and wife or didn't really understand if she was 'wife' material. We had a big fight about her not calling to let me know she was going to be late, a house rule she made because I was usually late coming home on certain days because of work. She looked to a person outside our group of usual friends for advice but I think it turned into a bit of an emotional affair for her. She denies that part and insists it was just to get his advice. The OM said she had been coming on to him for a long time. She's usually very friendly with everyone and none of the emails he would later show supported the idea that she was coming on to him. However, at a party (After it ended) I caught them naked but not having sex. My entire life shattered with that image. I took her back to our apartment 3 floors up and got her side of what happened (Alcohol played a role and she was still drunk) I left and got his side, went back up and confronted her with it. As the alcohol began to wear off she started to understand the mess she made and was crying. 

On the first day I decided to give her a choice to stay or leave. The OM said she had told him we were getting a divorce and we were already on our separate paths, which is why he felt she was fair game. She said that she never said that. Still, I offered her the choice to stay or leave but that if she stayed time was up, no more "I need time." 

After that, as the days went on she slowly moved from "OK, we can start to try and have kids." to "I need time." again. However, this time around there are certain things 'available' that weren't before. Cuddling, sex and talking about our future. She says that after what she did to me she doesn't know if she could ever be a good wife or mother. She said "I love you but if I love you why did I do this to you.". I tried to bring up the "Maybe you love but are not IN love with me." She says otherwise, which is why she says she feels broken and needs to organize her thoughts and take responsibility. 

From my wife's perspective I think she has felt that while she had passion and romance in the first few years that gradually over time that passion faded and the romance was fizzled. She felt that perhaps 'this is marriage' and just let things be they way they were. After years of letting it be I think she decided to find out if this really was what it was meant to be like and found herself in a situation where another man showed interest and she felt good about herself, she was still beautiful. I've always been one to compliment her and have never made her feel ugly. She has a very negative image of herself even though many say she is beautiful. I think she missed the high we had together in the beginning and felt something similar when with the OM...but realized after that it was a mistake. She let things go to far and she knows it.

ETA: When we were first dating, we bought pair rings. I've since dug mine up and started wearing it around my neck (Doesn't fit my finger anymore). I did give her a new necklace to wear but she hasn't worn it since I gave it to her. I will be saving money to get a proper engagement ring and if things play well, next month I will do a proper proposal that will hopefully ignite some passion in her. I have to get by her PMS in June, starting next week. Once that passes I will gauge her response to 'happy things' and see if I can surprise her.


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