# My story



## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Considering some of the other stories I've read here I'm probably going to sound like an ungrateful jerk....but here goes:

We're in our mid 40's, married for 10+ years, together for 15+, 2 wonderful kids, 8 & 6, a dog, nice house in the burbs. We don't fight often ("low conflict" marriage). We stay active, my wife is attractive, successful, and outgoing. And she adores me.

*sigh*

But I'm not in love with her. This is not the typical ILYBNILWY story, meaning this didn't happen overnight. In fact, it's been this way for a long time. The problem is that so much in our life is good, no fighting, no money issues, even the fights we do have don't turn nasty, we have each other's backs.

History: We dated for a while, moved in together, and due to some insecurity issues back then I asked her to marry me, even though in my heart I knew my heart wasn't into it. In my head I logically convinced myself that I had no good reason to break up the relationship and there was definitely some safety and security being with someone who loved me as dearly as she did/does.

However, when I'm alone with my thoughts I know, again in my heart, I'm not happy and there's nothing she can do to change this. We've done the marriage counseling thing, I've done individual counseling, read the books. At this point she's confuse and scared and angry.

The fact of the matter is that I feel like this is a secret I've been living with. To the outside world we look like the epitome of a happily married couple. When she wants to hold my hand I'll hold hers but I find myself quickly looking for a reason to reach for something in order to free my hand. Our "goodbye kisses" are pecks. We at times go weeks without sex because I don't desire her even though I know she is physically attractive. This hurts her, we fight, it's better for a bit and then goes back.

Recently we've been having serious discussions about this, except she doesn't know I've felt this way for so long. I'd never tell her. So from her perspective she thinks it's a recent development. But we are definitely at a crossroads. I honestly feel like I'm either going to separate from her now, or I have to suck it up and stay in the marriage forever.

We've briefly discussed me moving out, but the thought of telling our kids is a crushing weight. I know they'd adjust in due time, but the prospect of telling them, of having those first few nights by myself without them is heart wrenching.

Nonetheless, my alternative is to remain unhappy in this marriage, knowing that my feelings won't change and that my desire for her will probably only become more distant as we age. Which is not fair to either of us.

I've been lurking on this site for a while now and I've seen a few marriages that sound a little similar to mine, but haven't really seen a full on "On paper I have nothing to complain about" marriage. Then again, it's a lousy feeling so maybe people don't want to post and take the flak from others.

I thought writing this all out would make me feel better, but it doesn't.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Youve done the counselling what did they say.

You havent told us exactly what you find 'wrong' with her if anything. Is there someone else in the field whom you would rather be with.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Let me guess, you have been talking to someone who totally gets you. You have a connection with her like you never had with your wife. She's a great listener and has similar life experiences as you.

I hope I'm wrong.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

karole said:


> I hope I'm wrong.


You are.

And your jadedness is duly noted.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

accept1 said:


> Youve done the counselling what did they say.


Different ones have differing conclusions. Nothing has helped



accept1 said:


> You havent told us exactly what you find 'wrong' with her if anything.


I don't find anything particularly 'wrong' with her. It's an internal chemistry thing. We are great friends. Do you have any friends of the opposite sex who love dearly but could never see yourself 'in love' with? It's kinda like that.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Different ones have differing conclusions. Nothing has helped
> 
> 
> 
> I don't find anything particularly 'wrong' with her. It's an internal chemistry thing. We are great friends. Do you have any friends of the opposite sex who love dearly but could never see yourself 'in love' with? It's kinda like that.


You make no real sense to me. She is beautiful and a great girl, You at one point loved her and married her. Now you say that was due to your insecurity, yet therapy has not gotten you anywhere. You just don't love her... I think you need to ind a good therapist for IC. You sound like a good candidate for some serious therapy.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

If you believe that nothing is wrong with her, that she is beautiful and wonderful, then let me ask this from a different angle. If you weren't with your wife, what DIFFERENT qualities/traits would you want from someone else? That will help point out what you find deficient in your wife, because if you can't think of anything, then your wife is perfect for you and you have other issues that need to be addressed, know what I mean?

I think karole is jaded because we see it all the time here. A spouse (seems like the man more often to me, but I could be wrong) comes here to talk about how they aren't in love with their spouse any more, that he/she is a good person but the love/chemistry just isn't there anymore, that he/she wants to be a good person and is split between finding happiness or "doing the right thing" and staying unhappy forever, etc. etc. etc. and variations of the sort. Then it eventually comes out that the individual has already met someone else who "gets them" or has "woken them up" to issues in their spouse, or now feels like more of a best friend than their spouse ever was. Often times that relationship is borderline inappropriate, or has already become inappropriate, or it is already an affair, sexually or not. The individual suddenly looks back on their marriage and feels re-writes history to a degree, and feels like they've been unhappy for a long time, or that this current situation has been a long time coming, etc.

So I'm certainly not saying that I don't believe you, and I don't want you to think that you can't find good advice/support here, but at the same time I thought you should be aware of where a lot of us will be coming from. A lot of what you said included a lot of keywords/terms that we hear a lot from those in situations like what I described above. I don't know what the percentage would be, but off the top of my head, I would guess that there is a 3rd party involved in some capacity, whether knowingly or not, maybe... 50-80% of the time?

With that said, because it is HIGHLY relevant, I've got to ask a bit more clearly. Have you met anyone else that you find yourself thinking about a lot? Have you found yourself talking to another woman a lot? (Even if the nature of the relationship thus far has been, in your opinion, completely innocent and friendly in nature, nothing more) Has another woman from your past reached out to you, or someone who was previously "taken" recently become "available" that you know? Is there ANY other woman that has been on your mind more than usual recently?

If not, then we can move on. It's just got to be asked.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay married. Breaking up a family for some esoteric abstraction that you can't even explain is the epitome of foolishness. Divorce ruins people. Do you want to be the author of your wife and children's ruination?

My belief, based on what you describe, is that you are not investing enough of yourself in this marriage. If your wife is attractive, have sex with her. That's not a difficult thing to do. Spend more time with her, give her more affection, more love, more effort, more everything.

You are a very lucky man to have an attractive wife that adores you and is a good person, with a nice family that doesn't struggle to pay bills. I would give anything for that right now. Count your blessings instead of meditating on what you are missing.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> If you believe that nothing is wrong with her, that she is beautiful and wonderful, then let me ask this from a different angle. If you weren't with your wife, what DIFFERENT qualities/traits would you want from someone else? That will help point out what you find deficient in your wife, because if you can't think of anything, then your wife is perfect for you and you have other issues that need to be addressed, know what I mean?


Interesting point. I don't know that I'd be looking for different traits. I think I'd be looking for different feelings, and again, I realize this is difficult to communicate over a written forum like this. I'll reiterate what I mentioned above: We all have platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, sometimes very dear and close friends, but with whom we would never feel romantically attracted to. Now, it wasn't _exactly_ like that, obviously there was some early-on infatuation stage in our relationship, but that is typical of many of the people here. But that burned off early and I just didn't have the wherewithal to end the relationship, mostly because there were so many other good aspects to it. (ie...friendship, common interests, etc..)

Hope that doesn't sound like dodge, because I appreciate your question and don't want to sound like I'm being evasive.



cdbaker said:


> I think karole is jaded because we see it all the time here. A spouse (seems like the man more often to me, but I could be wrong) comes here to talk about how they aren't in love with their spouse any more, that he/she is a good person but the love/chemistry just isn't there anymore, that he/she wants to be a good person and is split between finding happiness or "doing the right thing" and staying unhappy forever, etc. etc. etc. and variations of the sort. Then it eventually comes out that the individual has already met someone else who "gets them" or has "woken them up" to issues in their spouse, or now feels like more of a best friend than their spouse ever was. Often times that relationship is borderline inappropriate, or has already become inappropriate, or it is already an affair, sexually or not. The individual suddenly looks back on their marriage and feels re-writes history to a degree, and feels like they've been unhappy for a long time, or that this current situation has been a long time coming, etc.
> 
> So I'm certainly not saying that I don't believe you, and I don't want you to think that you can't find good advice/support here, but at the same time I thought you should be aware of where a lot of us will be coming from. A lot of what you said included a lot of keywords/terms that we hear a lot from those in situations like what I described above. I don't know what the percentage would be, but off the top of my head, I would guess that there is a 3rd party involved in some capacity, whether knowingly or not, maybe... 50-80% of the time?
> 
> ...


I just want to be clear, I've felt this way for years, not months, weeks or days.

I'm new here so I don't know any one person's history or personal stories.

There's no one else. Period. However, as I mentioned in my original post, I had a feeling this is the way this thread would go.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Count your blessings instead of meditating on what you are missing.


Frankly, I do both, hence my tag name.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Different ones have differing conclusions. Nothing has helped
> 
> 
> 
> I don't find anything particularly 'wrong' with her. It's an internal chemistry thing. We are great friends. Do you have any friends of the opposite sex who love dearly but could never see yourself 'in love' with? It's kinda like that.


Since we know so little about her and the counsellors would know a lot more having met you both. Cant you tell us the 'differing' conclusions and why. Or were they just 'stay or separate' without reasons.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

accept1 said:


> Since we know so little about her and the counsellors would know a lot more having met you both. Cant you tell us the 'differing' conclusions and why. Or were they just 'stay or separate' without reasons.


One said she felt people had to "be ready" to divorce and she felt I wasn't there yet. Another counselor was focused on asking me questions about my childhood, and another didn't have any conclusion, but kept asking "What would make this an easier decision for you."

So "conclusions" was a poor word choice by me, since there wasn't really any diagnosis or anything like that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes, despite all external criteria and any list of pros and cons, we simply aren't compatible or a good match with our partner. They may be fine with things, but it takes BOTH to make a happy relationship. You aren't happy, despite having better circumstances than many post about and would probably swap places with you if they could. Of course, if they eventually got to the same place you're at, they'd be unhappy too, no doubt. Really, if the feelings aren't there, and haven't been, you are living a lie. I think it's better to divorce and either be on your own or seek someone who does excite you, than stay in this empty, fake shell of a marriage. However, I'm betting that you won't do that, and just continue to fake it.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think what is leaving us confused is that we can't figure out why you are considering divorce if you seem to have what every man wants. A beautiful wife who adores you, a good mother to your children, loving, etc. You seem to struggle to come up with any complaints about her, things she isn't doing well/right or things she could be doing better, things you want but can't have or she doesn't have, etc. etc. etc.

For me, I also noticed the fact that you've been together for over 15 years and married for over ten, so there was five years that you were together before you got married. That's not a short period of time, or a snap decision. If there isn't something that is obviously causing these feelings, then I think you aught to continue in IC to figure out where this is all coming from, otherwise I think you'll risk making a huge mistake for nothing.

(I'm not saying that divorcing your wife would be a huge mistake, I'm saying it COULD be a huge mistake. If it isn't a huge mistake, then you need to know why you are doing it and what you'll need to look for that is different in the next woman so that you don't risk making the same mistake. I hope that clarifies my meaning)


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Sometimes, despite all external criteria and any list of pros and cons, we simply aren't compatible or a good match with our partner. They may be fine with things, but it takes BOTH to make a happy relationship. You aren't happy, despite having better circumstances than many post about and would probably swap places with you if they could. Of course, if they eventually got to the same place you're at, they'd be unhappy too, no doubt. Really, if the feelings aren't there, and haven't been, you are living a lie. I think it's better to divorce and either be on your own or seek someone who does excite you, than stay in this empty, fake shell of a marriage. However, I'm betting that you won't do that, and just continue to fake it.


Thanks. Seemed like a pretty insightful and understanding post, up until the last sentence.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> One said she felt people had to "be ready" to divorce and she felt I wasn't there yet. Another counselor was focused on asking me questions about my childhood, and another didn't have any conclusion, but kept asking "What would make this an easier decision for you."
> 
> So "conclusions" was a poor word choice by me, since there wasn't really any diagnosis or anything like that.


It sounds like you went to three counsellors to find out what you find wrong with your wife. Non after meeting both of you could tell you. If I was your wife in such a setting I wouldnt know what to think. I can quite understand why you tried three different ones. 

I would say to make an easier decision would be to really know what was wrong. I am sure there is something but you dont know what. I cant see what it has to do with your childhood, it is not you at fault but something about your wife. Youre not ready for divorce because you dont know why.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> I think what is leaving us confused is that we can't figure out why you are considering divorce if you seem to have what every man wants. A beautiful wife who adores you, a good mother to your children, loving, etc. You seem to struggle to come up with any complaints about her, things she isn't doing well/right or things she could be doing better, things you want but can't have or she doesn't have, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> For me, I also noticed the fact that you've been together for over 15 years and married for over ten, so there was five years that you were together before you got married. That's not a short period of time, or a snap decision. If there isn't something that is obviously causing these feelings, then I think you aught to continue in IC to figure out where this is all coming from, otherwise I think you'll risk making a huge mistake for nothing.
> 
> (I'm not saying that divorcing your wife would be a huge mistake, I'm saying it COULD be a huge mistake. If it isn't a huge mistake, then you need to know why you are doing it and what you'll need to look for that is different in the next woman so that you don't risk making the same mistake. I hope that clarifies my meaning)


Yes, I do get your meaning and I completely get that this is baffling to people reading it. Trust me, it's baffling to me and I'm the one who's been living it. To call it agonizing would be an understatement.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> Are you always bitter AND worthless?


Reported, Mo.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

I have to feel there is an emotional dysfunction in you. What desire is not met? What do you need she does not give you? If you can't answer the question, then you are going to go through this with every girl after your wife as well. Once the initial flame of the new relationship wears off, your 'I just don't get that excited feeling any more" motto will be coming from that voice in your head. Get the answer to my question above and realize it is you and not your wife. It is you.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> I have to feel there is an emotional dysfunction in you. What desire is not met? What do you need she does not give you? If you can't answer the question, then you are going to go through this with every girl after your wife as well. Once the initial flame of the new relationship wears off, your 'I just don't get that excited feeling any more" motto will be coming from that voice in your head. Get the answer to my question above and realize it is you and not your wife. It is you.


I never said anywhere that it is her.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stupid question, but if it's not her, why divorce?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Stupid question, but if it's not her, why divorce?


seriously, you admit then you realize it to be a problem with you and you think divorcing will help? 
Your logic is way off here. You need to strive for the answer to the problem with therapy. You need to find a GOOD THERAPIST and stick to the program and figure out what about your past or present that has you not happy with, what most all would see as a great marriage with a wonderful, beautiful woman that adores you. You still can't answer what it is she is not doing that you need. You claim it is a certain feeling you long for, but that feeling as you describe it is more a definition of what one feels when things are exciting and new in a relationship. You either need to dig in with therapy and see what link you are missing, ore resign yourself to a life of being disappointed in the love dept. I think when you find it you would be awfully glad you never made the mistake of letting her go.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Have you ever been with someone you HAVE felt like this with? I mean the chemistry, the passion?

I never felt the chemistry with my x. I felt it before him & after him. But 8 years with him, nope. He was a nice looking man, good husband, good dad. I'm sure a lot of women would have said you are crazy to divorce. But I don't regret it.

I am ashamed to say, I suspect I married him in that frenzy known as the 'ticking clock' for women. He was/is a very good dad. I thought that would be good enough, but it wasn't.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Considering some of the other stories I've read here I'm probably going to sound like an ungrateful jerk....but here goes:
> 
> We're in our mid 40's, married for 10+ years, together for 15+, 2 wonderful kids, 8 & 6, a dog, nice house in the burbs. We don't fight often ("low conflict" marriage). We stay active, my wife is attractive, successful, and outgoing. And she adores me.
> 
> ...


I may get some flak for this but I'm going to say it anyway. After being on this site for several months it seems that most of the threads that get any real attention are the ones that are about infidelity.

I can't begin to understand that level of pain when that is the case. However there is also a lot of pain when one person in the marriage just decides they are out and there is nothing the other person can do to change their minds.

If you are truly mentally done with your marriage then get out of it. If you think there is hope, then try, really try. Because if you have one foot out the door than no MC is going to work.

We are all hurting on this site in one way or another. If we weren't we wouldn't be here.

Just my two cents.....


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Did you ever have a chemistry there or did you feel obligated somehow to marry her?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I may get some flak for this but I'm going to say it anyway. After being on this site for several months it seems that most of the threads that get any real attention are the ones that are about infidelity.
> 
> I can't begin to understand that level of pain when that is the case. However there is also a lot of pain when one person in the marriage just decides they are out and there is nothing the other person can do to change their minds.
> 
> ...


How about this- if you have one foot out the door, put it back in the door. Simple, really. In my opinion the horror of divorce should be avoided at almost any cost.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

wilderness said:


> How about this- if you have one foot out the door, put it back in the door. Simple, really. In my opinion the horror of divorce should be avoided at almost any cost.


I couldn't agree with you more Wildnerness. Unfortunately, there are some who just can't or won't put that foot back in. You can't make them. Only they can decide if the marriage is worth fighting for.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, infidelity is the most dramatic subject but it is connected with other major topics. Chemistry is important. If one spouse feels he or she knows what the other is thinking in advance all the time, the relationship becomes boring.

This question to ask is the boredom due to your restlessness?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

greenfern said:


> Have you ever been with someone you HAVE felt like this with? I mean the chemistry, the passion?


Yes. Previous LT girlfriends. Those relationships ended for other reasons, but yes, the passionate & chemistry has been there before.



greenfern said:


> I never felt the chemistry with my x. I felt it before him & after him. But 8 years with him, nope. He was a nice looking man, good husband, good dad. I'm sure a lot of women would have said you are crazy to divorce. But I don't regret it. I am ashamed to say, I suspect I married him in that frenzy known as the 'ticking clock' for women. He was/is a very good dad. I thought that would be good enough, but it wasn't.


Sounds like you understand the dilemma. I imagine it was an agonizing decision for you, especially with kids.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I may get some flak for this but I'm going to say it anyway. After being on this site for several months it seems that most of the threads that get any real attention are the ones that are about infidelity.
> 
> I can't begin to understand that level of pain when that is the case. However there is also a lot of pain when one person in the marriage just decides they are out and there is nothing the other person can do to change their minds.


It's hard on my wife, no doubt. In a way I think it would be easier for her if there was infidelity involved, at least that way it would somehow make sense to her.

It's becoming obvious to me that unless you've experienced what I've been experiencing it's very difficult to understand. Also, in reading many of the posts on here it is easy to see why people would think I'm crazy. I'm well aware there are many who would kill to have my "problem".


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Yes, I do get your meaning and I completely get that this is baffling to people reading it. Trust me, it's baffling to me and I'm the one who's been living it. To call it agonizing would be an understatement.


Hello there.

I'm going to try to help if I can. I don't want to hi-jack your thread but I will say that if you read some of my story you will understand better where I'm coming from. Often times when people reach a point of considering separation or divorce, they 're-write' history in our own minds and convince ourselves that we were never in love. 

In my case, I truly understand the bewilderment and confusion you are experiencing. I was not in love with my husband when we married. I went into the marriage with that knowledge and he did also. Eventually, I did grow to love him and I still do. So in my case, it's a little bit backwards. I'm telling you this to say that I understand being able to care for someone, admire them, appreciate them and be grateful for them while not being in love with that person.

In your case, it's more in the normal progression of 'feelings'. You once felt some sort of chemistry, infatuation, or love and now you don't. Have you ever considered that the reason you do not and seem unable to feel that chemistry is as simple as girl chases boy?

I know I'm generalizing when I say this but typically men enjoy the chase. Perhaps, having no reason to chase her is the very thing that keeps you from loving her. Is that a possibility? I'm just throwing it out there. You already have everything a man wants from a women including her respect, adoration, and sexual desire for you. There's nothing exciting in that for you is there?

I know I may be way off base but it was just a thought. Be very careful not to throw this life away without knowing exactly why you are throwing it away. 

Best to you


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> It's hard on my wife, no doubt. In a way I think it would be easier for her if there was infidelity involved, at least that way it would somehow make sense to her.
> 
> It's becoming obvious to me that unless you've experienced what I've been experiencing it's very difficult to understand. Also, in reading many of the posts on here it is easy to see why people would think I'm crazy. I'm well aware there are many who would kill to have my "problem".


What about your lifelong commitment? What about your vows? It amazes me when people consider dumping their spouses under such flimsy and esoteric reasoning.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Just throwing this out but is Porn an issue? If you are "using" consider taking a break.

Not to moralize here but I believe it can affect ones feelings/brain chemistry to a larger degree than people realize.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

I don't know why everyone is giving you such a hard time. There are millions of married people who stay together for the sake of the kids and are no longer in love. They go through the motions of day to day life, never fight, and look perfect in front of friends and family. Personally, I think that sounds like a nightmare. Once you have experienced love, passion, yearning, great sex, it's hard to accept anything less. You probably feel empty and unfulfilled more so than you do bored. Possibly people are getting hostile because they feel that way within their own marriages and don't want to face it? Your wife may very well be gorgeous and the most successful woman in the world, mother if the year, but if there's no chemistry, then you just have yourself an amazing best friend; a [email protected] roommate. I just want you to know that I understand and empathize with your dilemma. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't waste my life with a partner I had lukewarm feelings for.

On the other hand, you have children together and you've been married a long time. What if you fall madly in love with someone and they're a horrible person and you have a toxic relationship? Would that be better? I'm afraid if you stay in this marriage you may cheat or become horribly depressed. No one on here really knows the situation so only you can answer your own question. I think the fact that you've stuck it out for this long and you have children accounts for something.

My final thoughts on this is that I am almost convinced that there is more to the this story. You got defensive when someone earlier mentioned you possibly having a connection with another person. Listen, I'm not jaded but it is odd that all of a sudden after 15 years, you've now decided you may get a divorce out of a very comfortable marriage with a beautiful woman. What happened? What has transpired? What did you uncover? What do you lust? Wherein does your passion lie? What was the turning point? Do you have a "best friend" you are confiding in? Until you honestly answer those questions, we can't help you 

I know that's hard to do on here because you may receive a verbal beat down. Good luck... Let us know what your decision will be once you figure it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Daisy2714 said:


> Hello there.
> 
> I'm going to try to help if I can. I don't want to hi-jack your thread but I will say that if you read some of my story you will understand better where I'm coming from. Often times when people reach a point of considering separation or divorce, they 're-write' history in our own minds and convince ourselves that we were never in love.
> 
> ...



Hi, thanks for your post. I did read your story and yes, it sounds like we have some things in common.

I hear what you are saying about 're-writing history' and that's not the case here. I distinctly remember even early on in our relationship (pre-marriage) having the same feelings I have now. They never went away. All of the other good we have together was able to mask it I suppose.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

wilderness said:


> What about your lifelong commitment? What about your vows? It amazes me when people consider dumping their spouses under such flimsy and esoteric reasoning.


Oh my, I'm surprised you can see me way down here from up there on your high horse.

You, a divorced man, stand in judgment of me?

You, a man who was arrested, tried, convicted, and jailed for assault against your ex-wife and her family, stand in judgment of me?

I honestly could not care less what amazes you, sir.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Izzie said:


> There are millions of married people who stay together for the sake of the kids and are no longer in love. They go through the motions of day to day life, never fight, and look perfect in front of friends and family. Personally, I think that sounds like a nightmare.


Exactly. Divorce rates initiated by folks 50+ are increasing.



Izzie said:


> What if you fall madly in love with someone and they're a horrible person and you have a toxic relationship? Would that be better?


No. But I find it hard to believe I'd fall madly in love with someone I feel is a horrible person.



Izzie said:


> My final thoughts on this is that I am almost convinced that there is more to the this story. You got defensive when someone earlier mentioned you possibly having a connection with another person. Listen, I'm not jaded but it is odd that all of a sudden after 15 years, you've now decided you may get a divorce out of a very comfortable marriage with a beautiful woman. What happened? What has transpired? What did you uncover? What do you lust? Wherein does your passion lie? What was the turning point? Do you have a "best friend" you are confiding in? Until you honestly answer those questions, we can't help you
> 
> I know that's hard to do on here because you may receive a verbal beat down. Good luck... Let us know what your decision will be once you figure it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't get defensive, I got annoyed. If you go back and read that post that person came into the thread with a jaded agenda and projected it onto me. And it hasn't been all of a sudden, as I've mentioned a few times, I've felt this way for a long time. Listen, I totally get that forums like this, and family therapist offices, are loaded with people who have been married for a while and then *boom* find their "soulmate" sitting in the office next to them at work. Or in a chat room about bored husbands/wives. I get it.

But as you astutely pointed out above, there are also many people going through the motions everyday and no outside the home have any idea. Not all of those people are cheating, nor even looking to cheat. Some have just resigned themselves to an unhappy and unfulfilling life. You yourself said you wouldn't waste your life with someone you were lukewarm towards, but I doubt that you meant you'd look for someone else while married.

I do appreciate your measured tone and understanding, so thank you for that.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> I am a beautiful and great person and my husband did not love me. Ever. Did you marry her for money or because she would look good as an accoutrement and be a bonus at dinner meetings? I was in your wife's position.
> 
> Your unhappiness will grow and it will take a toll on your marriage, your wife and your kids and ultimately other aspects of your life. It is also likely you will start to resent her if she tries to make the marriage work and perhaps self-loathing will set in on your part as she is a good person.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you experienced all of that.

But your post reads as though you're conflicted between responding to me versus needing to start your own thread of your situation.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Maybe the OP is gay.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Hi, thanks for your post. I did read your story and yes, it sounds like we have some things in common.
> 
> I hear what you are saying about 're-writing history' and that's not the case here. I distinctly remember even early on in our relationship (pre-marriage) having the same feelings I have now. They never went away. All of the other good we have together was able to mask it I suppose.


Hello again.

I think I may have expressed myself poorly. Let me try to be more clear. I don't think you are re-writing your history. I completely get that you have pretty much always felt this little or no romantic love for her. 

Please re-address the question I posed to you regarding the possibility that your lack of emotion may have to do with the lack of challenge in the relationship. 

Also, in your previous relationships that ended, where you actually did have real feelings for someone, was it you that ended those relationships or was it them? If it was them, did you attempt to hold on and try to get back together or where you okay with letting them go? Please be specific regarding each one.

I know it's tough to answer those questions truly honestly but I think you have exhibited an honest evaluation of what you feel so far so I have confidence that you can.



IndecisionIsTorture said:


> History: We dated for a while, moved in together, and due to some insecurity issues back then I asked her to marry me, even though in my heart I knew my heart wasn't into it. In my head I logically convinced myself that I had no good reason to break up the relationship and there was definitely some safety and security being with someone who loved me as dearly as she did/does.


Please take the time to expand on exactly why you asked her to marry you. You mention insecurity. What exactly where you insecure about? What where you afraid of losing if you didn't marry her?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Oh my, I'm surprised you can see me way down here from up there on your high horse.
> 
> You, a divorced man, stand in judgment of me?
> 
> ...


Hey man, I didn't do anything wrong to my wife or my daughter, and that's the truth whether you believe it or not. Factually, you committed your life to your wife. That's not a judgment, that's a fact.

Do you really think it's the right thing to do to dump her and harm not just her, but your children?


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Daisy2714 said:


> Hello again.
> 
> I think I may have expressed myself poorly. Let me try to be more clear. I don't think you are re-writing your history. I completely get that you have pretty much always felt this little or no romantic love for her.
> 
> Please re-address the question I posed to you regarding the possibility that your lack of emotion may have to do with the lack of challenge in the relationship.


I just don't see this as being an issue. If (hypothetically) my wife were to come to me tomorrow and say she agrees we should separate and she wasn't hurt or crying that would be ideal.



Daisy2714 said:


> Also, in your previous relationships that ended, where you actually did have real feelings for someone, was it you that ended those relationships or was it them? If it was them, did you attempt to hold on and try to get back together or where you okay with letting them go? Please be specific regarding each one.


Specific regarding each one? I know you're trying to be helpful, but I've no desire to detail out my entire love life history. Like most, some relationships I ended, some were ended by the other person. Some were hard to get over, some not so much. Regardless they were all decades ago.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Hey man, I didn't do anything wrong to my wife or my daughter, and that's the truth whether you believe it or not.


Clearly, the facts in a court of law disagree with you.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> Maybe the OP is gay.


This coming from a guy who sucked on another woman's breast (not his wife) and doesn't believe it's cheating, and has zero remorse over doing it. Keep up the solid work Einstein!


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## rjaffeux (Oct 4, 2013)

In my opinion he wants to be young and in love. As people grow older they become IMO friends with extras. You love her your are not in love with her. Personally that's better than not loving her. I would stick with it and be happy you get along and treat each other right. It's the grass is greener on the other side problem.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

What kind of answer are you looking for? You've admitted that you entered this marriage on false pretenses. That you've spent the last 15 years WASTING the life of this woman who LOVED you and mothered your children, while telling all of us you've NEVER felt anything towards her outside the "friend" category? Yet you, somehow, feel that you are in a position to judge other posters for their behavior? You've LIED to the poor girl for 15 YEARS!!! 

Man up, for the first time in your life, and tell her that you aren't, and haven't been, in love with her all this time. Let her go find happiness instead of believing you are protecting her by pretending she's already found it.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

Hahahahahaaaa!!! Your responses are so funny. All right, my opinion may not matter but here goes. I don't think it's your fault you love your wife as a friend. You're not a bad person. I respect your candor. I think many people on this site have been burned so they're taking your post personally. It's AWESOME that you haven't cheated. Kudos to you! I say bow out gracefully and have a chance to live a more fulfilling life. You're hurting her more by living a lie. She can probably tell but chooses to remain in denial. One knows if there is a connection or not. She may feel the same way about you! Cut your losses while you still have some life left in you.

As for the comment about you falling in love with someone toxic... I don't know this to be true but I hear dating is difficult and there are a lot of liars out there. Once you get married, they turn into someone completely different. When we have someone great, we tend to take them for granted or get bored. We assume every person will treat us with such respect. I am NOT saying that that's what you're doing. But you may be disappointed in what's out there after you've been spoiled with an amazing wife. Food for thought...

In any event, I think at this point it's worth a shot. Sounds like you've already made up your mind anyway 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

** by "your responses" I meant you. The person who started the thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

My 2 cents:

Since you have been having these feelings for quite a while, I doubt it is a midlife crisis. Some people are just not compatible. We try our hardest to build a strong and happy marriage but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Life is short you must do what makes you happy. If being married does not make you happy, then seek happiness elsewhere.

Or do you think your wife will accept a trial separation to evaluate your feelings? If she doesn't, then go. She has the right to be happy as well.

Friends do not lie to each other or keep each other in the dark. If you truly think of your wife as a friend, then open up your heart to her. Tell her about your feelings and how you feel.

Good luck to both of you. I truly hope you find happiness.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> Clearly, the facts in a court of law disagree with you.


No, sir, they don't. The facts of my case (and I can prove it if you so desire). Mr. Wilderness was in an argument with Mrs. Wilderness. That's it.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Izzie said:


> I don't know this to be true but I hear dating is difficult and there are a lot of liars out there. Once you get married, they turn into someone completely different. When we have someone great, we tend to take them for granted or get bored. We assume every person will treat us with such respect. I am NOT saying that that's what you're doing. But you may be disappointed in what's out there after you've been spoiled with an amazing wife. Food for thought...


No doubt, it's all a crap shoot. There are some real horror stories on this website to prove it.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

So what ended up happening? Did you tell her?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> This coming from a guy who sucked on another woman's breast (not his wife) and doesn't believe it's cheating, and has zero remorse over doing it. Keep up the solid work Einstein!


Stop this. You're turning this whole thing into a battlefield. You can ignore their comments, or thank them politely.

Attacking people who are trying (perhaps with some loaded agenda or other) isn't helpful. It's even worse when you start digging up their forum history, what do you plan to achieve by that?

Some comments will be helpful. Some won't. Some you'll agree with (especially those that align with the decision you're leaning towards) and some you won't.

Either way, you need to not make this an ego-battle against anyone who expresses criticism that you disagree with. Read their posts. Honestly re-asses yourself. But don't attack them please.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> So what ended up happening? Did you tell her?


Somewhat. We've been talking it through the past few months.


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