# I want to understand the OW



## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Why would any woman be with a married man? More importantly, why would she lie to help cover for him? Why is she willing to hide out, lay low, keep it cool "for awhile"? :scratchhead:

I don't get it and I want to understand and I want to know what to do about it!


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Some people are just rotten people who care about no one but themselves and what they want. They don't care if they have to climb over others to make that happen along the way.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ask this woman?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/53688-i-do-bad-things-want-stop.html


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think they see them as safe. They can have the fun without it becoming a marriage posibility.


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## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

What scaredandunsure said. They are selfish. And sometimes i think it makes them feel good to know that they are destroying another woman in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

dormant said:


> I think they see them as safe. They can have the fun without it becoming a marriage posibility.


Its always something with the OW and its never positive.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

besides the other responses i think its also an ego thing to get over on a another woman like hey i stole yr man or something like that


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Women compete with each other fiercely. Conquering someone elses man is like winning a gold medal in the olympics. It makes her feel powerful.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

The OM/OW pick men that cannot/will not commit to them, because the OM/OW has problems with commitment themselves.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> ask this woman?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/53688-i-do-bad-things-want-stop.html


I really don't see this as a real thread. I think it was just posted to get a reaction and trigger people. Actually it should be taken down. This is a marriage forum not an I need therapy because I'm such a bad person forum.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I think that the vast majority suffer from very low self esteem and they think if they can get a married man to risk everything for them, that means they are somehow special. What they fail to realize it that most married men who cheat aren't thinking they are risking everything, they think they won't be caught. Risk in and of itself implies that somebody knows what the possible outcome is and goes all in anyways. MM don't think that way.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Do you ever just want to wrip her apart? I know her, we used to do things together. I have a terrible urge to call and harrass her, but I don't want to let her know how she has gotten to me, so I don't. But if I ever see her - heaven help me, I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you thought about exposing OW, sometime just a phone call to her parents, introducing your self and informing them about how there daughter is effecting the dynamics of your marriage and would like there support for the marriage you are trying to rebuild?

You can alway post OW on cheaterville .com


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

the guy said:


> Have you thought about exposing OW, sometime just a phone call to her parents, introducing your self and informing them about how there daughter is effecting the dynamics of your marriage and would like there support for the marriage you are trying to rebuild?
> 
> You can alway post OW on cheaterville .com


That is so cool - I've never heard of that sight before. She will be listed tonight!

As far as contacting her parents - I'm not sure how to do that in the age of cell phones. I only know their last name and the area of town they live in, not the address.

Hey - thanks for the site. First time I've smiled in a while.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Sometimes people do make mistakes. They're flirty and a married person likes that and they develop feelings. They're flat out misled about the other's marital status. They developed feelings in a neutral time (separation, pre marriage) and they've carried over. They bond over something they couldn't with their own spouse/SO. I'd be hesitant to lump all OW/OM into one mass category of douche bag narcissistic crazy insecure tools. Nobody's perfect. It's very human to demonize "the enemy" and take away most of the fault from the WH/WW because it makes reconciliation easier and resolves some cognitive dissonance about marrying someone who could do such a horrid thing, but I'm in the camp that the cheating spouse deserves 99% of the blame. Some people want to get laid. I don't judge them on who they do it with unless they already have a monogamous commitment to someone and are looking for external satisfaction. 

That view is probably unpopular, especially among those cheated on, but I believe that we make a commitment to our spouse. Single people haven't commited anything to anyone and thus do not have the same obligation and responsibility to not sleep with our spouse.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I also think many times these other people (usually ones who have more long term affairs) may believe they are better for that person than that person's spouse. There are promises of divorce and a "real relationship". Or they're told they are loved more than the person's spouse but that person can't get divorced for the kids or a job or money or something, but soon. 

I think there are a lot of thoughts that might go through someone's head, and they aren't all as foreign to us as we'd like to believe.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I've always said that they couldn't get a single guy to piss on them if they were on fire, so they seek out emotionally and physically desperate married losers.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If an OW is single--I think single OWs are drawn to men who've proven that they will commit. A man who's never married--well, maybe he will marry someday. Or maybe not. Maybe he wants kids. Or maybe not. But a man who's already married and who likes kids--he's a proven commodity.

I realize how the logic gets quite twisted, because the man is already TAKEN. But really, is there any logic to stealing someone's spouse away beyond selfishness?

If an OW is married--then I think it's a safety issue as someone already said. Whether they just want an emotional affair, or a physical fling, they are banking on the married man to not leave their spouse. They are similarly situated, the theory goes, so they won't upset the apple cart. Plus, you can fool yourself into thinking it's a closed loop--they only sleep with their spouse (correction: he doesn't sleep with anyone but the OW because his hag won't give it up) so theoretically he is "clean" and they can have unprotected sex.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> If an OW is single--I think single OWs are drawn to men who've proven that they will commit. A man who's never married--well, maybe he will marry someday. Or maybe not. Maybe he wants kids. Or maybe not. But a man who's already married and who likes kids--he's a proven commodity.
> 
> I realize how the logic gets quite twisted, because the man is already TAKEN. But really, is there any logic to stealing someone's spouse away beyond selfishness?
> 
> If an OW is married--then I think it's a safety issue as someone already said. Whether they just want an emotional affair, or a physical fling, they are banking on the married man to not leave their spouse. They are similarly situated, the theory goes, so they won't upset the apple cart. Plus, you can fool yourself into thinking it's a closed loop--they only sleep with their spouse (correction: he doesn't sleep with anyone but the OW because his hag won't give it up) so theoretically he is "clean" and they can have unprotected sex.


Ever notice how many of them get pregnant? I swear it's an epidemic. They must be the most fertile women on Earth. I read a forum once of 33 OW and 29 had gotten pregnant. Of course they all claimed they were on the pill and it wasn't planned. Sure it wasn't cupcake.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

If you've never met a man so good that you would do extreme things to get with him, I feel sorry for you. I've certainly met women who are worth fighting for.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Ever notice how many of them get pregnant? I swear it's an epidemic. They must be the most fertile women on Earth. I read a forum once of 33 OW and 29 had gotten pregnant. Of course they all claimed they were on the pill and it wasn't planned. Sure it wasn't cupcake.


I think the number is also inflated by the number of them that get "pregnant." Over on the CWI forum, more than once you'll see the OW is "pregnant". The married man "must" call her to make sure she's "okay." He feels terrible, because although his affair with her was in very bad form, he also musn't abandon her in that "condition." It works pretty well to keep a guy on the hook for quite a while.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> If you've never met a man so good that you would do extreme things to get with him, I feel sorry for you. I've certainly met women who are worth fighting for.


*blink* *blink*

are you talking about a _married_ man? Yeah, a married man who will leave his wife for someone is a CATCH! And anyone who snags him can have him. Leave the men who wouldn't touch cheating on a bad day to the rest. Those are the ones worth fighting for!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

ShawnD said:


> If you've never met a man so good that you would do extreme things to get with him, I feel sorry for you. I've certainly met women who are worth fighting for.


Married women with families? So you suggest "doing anything" to get someone regardless of their marital status. Good to know. :crazy:


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## Michelle C (Aug 15, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Why would any woman be with a married man? More importantly, why would she lie to help cover for him? Why is she willing to hide out, lay low, keep it cool "for awhile"? :scratchhead:
> 
> I don't get it and I want to understand and I want to know what to do about it!



I suppose I'm over qualified to reply to this.

It depends on the woman and her situation. For my part, and it's been mentioned here, it's partly the competition, wining that competition makes you feel special, especially when that man chooses you over his partner. It's not about sex either, for me it's about satisfying an emotional void I suppose. It's a hollow victory in all reality though, because 9/10 times the feelings of both partner and ow are disengenous,well they are in my experience.

I suppose it all depends on what the ow is like. Me, I'm secretive and very private by nature. I'm also in a professional career and work in a pretty niche industry so I can't [email protected] on my own doorstep too often and get caught because it has already and could in future have a major impact on my career.

I don't mind sharing with you about the one time that I really got regretful and scared about my actions.

A guy I worked with and was involved with (didn't get to sex btw) was married his wife found out about us. I panicked and told him he had to start lying to her about what was going on. He had to protect me! I didn't know at the start but this guy was in the middle of a break down and was actually blabbing everything to his wife, so you could say he wasn't very good at this sort of thing.anyway he didn't stop seeing me and this continued for a few months until he was busted again at Christmas. 

He must have broke down over Christmas becaus he was off work for a while and he told me he was on medication. His wife rang me in work. She was very calm and asked me what was going on and she told me her h was now very I'll and that I should leave him alone, I also told her nothing had gone on and it was all down to her husband making all the running (not exactly true but I was just trying to protect myself). I agreed agreed to not see him or speak to him anymore. 

I thought had gotten off lightly and really dodged a bullet.how wrong I was. Little did I know at the time, but when this guy came back to work he pretended that he and his wife had split up. He wanted to talk to me about what had happened and would I now consider going out with him properly. I agreed to talk but was adamant that I wouldn't go out with him. I made some excuses up about things but the reality was I was already in the beginning stages of another inappropriate relationship with my boss. Time went on and I started to get a bit concerned because I started to recieve strange voicemails and emails in work, not threatening. I think they were from that guys wife. I asked him what was going on and I told him I was really worried and scared that she may come in to the office and make a scene. The guy confirmed that this could be the case, as he claimed his wife had contacted him and said she was mad over what I had done and that she was going to have to suffer the consequences of my actions. Well I spent the next 3 weeks hardly sleeping, and my heart was in my mouth every time the phone rang or I was called to the office counter. All the time the emails came and they started To contain information, about other things, like the one that contained the name of the company that my dad works at. It alluded to his company being contacted about what I had done. They also contained information about other people I had been involved with. 

Around this time the guy was also pestering me to talk to him again. I had no intention of doing so but he was becoming a nuisance so eventually it was easier to agree. I told him I was being harrassed by his wife and I was scared, all he wanted to talk about was why I now didn't want him because he was now available. I lied and told him I had health issues and family stuff going on and that I thought it would be inappropriate for us to be anything other than work colleagues in future. At this point he changed and really laid in to me. He started telling me that he and his wife hadn't split up and that after an initial split they had quickly got back together and she was helping him understand what I was like!! He Admitted that everything I had done and said his wife had already predicted i would do, this was really spooky and freaked me out. He looked at me in a really piercing way that made me shiver and he said with the help of his wife he had finally come through his illness and he could actually see what a "shallow, emotionless, lying and wicked person I really was."He said that I do not have the capacity to understand love, or to feel it. He then said he and his wife actually pittied me for what I am and that Predicted I would go through life not knowing true love and the happiness it brings. Those words cut me so deep and hurt me so much even now.

This wasn't the end.


The guy had also bought me a lovely pair of earings at Christmas and he must have told his wife about them because 2 months after Christmas I recieve another email this time from the guy demanding the earrings back. I ignored his request to start with as they were a gift. However he sent another one after I didn't respond claiming they were only given to me because he was I'll at the time and that he felt I shouldnt have them. Reluctantly I gave them back to him. I dumped them on his desk late one afternoon and glared at him really hard.

I thought that was it game over. No, the worse bit came on valentines day. I was away for the weekend and when I came home I found a card on my door mat. I was really excited as I picked it up wondering who it was from. I was a little puzzeled when I opened it and noticed it was a card stating what marriage is. I opened it up and attached to the card were both earrings which had been smashed to pieces.alomg with a message "happy valentines day" the card really freaked me out as it had come from this guys wife and it had been hand delivered. He had actually told her where I lived and she had traveled over 50 miles to give this to me. I was in a state of utter panic now. 

None of her threats actually materialised, I'm glad of that, but the whole episode really shook me up. 

After the episode with my boss finished. I decided I had to get away. I moved 200 miles for a new job and a new start. I'm not proud of who I am or what I have done and I do have issues that I need to sort out and I am working on them. However i noticed that you asked this question. I thought I would oblige you with an answer, but I also thought it would be helpful to let you know how I got caught out, got outwitted and had my arse completely kicked over it as well.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I think firs you have to understand that a married man is someone who has a "resume" of trust, value, and ability. That's something you just don't pick up at a bar. Yeah, competition is a factor, maybe finances/gifts are part of it, too.

I think what you REALLY need to understand is the MAN who decides to take up the OW. WHY? I mean besides the bio-psychological want/need for "fresh faces" or variety.

If we look at "cheating" men and their marriage relationships that succeed or fail, it seems that when the OW is younger, or more attractive, the relationship has a MUCH greater chance of remaining married/together, than if the man is out getting some "skeezy" or ugly OW.... "How could you do it with HER" comes to mind.

It takes TWO to to tango.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You know Michelle, ordinarily I'd say that those two crazy stalkers ought to be in jail. But when that man said those things about you, he wasn't too far off. You just couldn't hear it for the truth because of all their fury at your casual attempt to ruin their family. That was their mistake--it's allowed you to deflect and minimize your role.

I think you recall them best because they saw right to the core of your behavior. They know exactly how you operate. They know what you do in your spare time for kicks and that he was just another notch in your belt. They should have exposed you to your dad after all, maybe it would have led you to get the therapy you so need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> Sometimes people do make mistakes. They're flirty and a married person likes that and they develop feelings. They're flat out misled about the other's marital status. They developed feelings in a neutral time (separation, pre marriage) and they've carried over. They bond over something they couldn't with their own spouse/SO. I'd be hesitant to lump all OW/OM into one mass category of douche bag narcissistic crazy insecure tools. Nobody's perfect. It's very human to demonize "the enemy" and take away most of the fault from the WH/WW because it makes reconciliation easier and resolves some cognitive dissonance about marrying someone who could do such a horrid thing, but I'm in the camp that the cheating spouse deserves 99% of the blame. Some people want to get laid. I don't judge them on who they do it with unless they already have a monogamous commitment to someone and are looking for external satisfaction.
> 
> That view is probably unpopular, especially among those cheated on, but I believe that we make a commitment to our spouse. Single people haven't commited anything to anyone and thus do not have the same obligation and responsibility to not sleep with our spouse.


I agree with ALOT of what you say here. I blame my H more than I blame her because HE is the one who owed me something. SHE is just a woman with no moral fiber(who was married too btw). Just getting her ego stroked by having someone else's husband fawning all over her. She is a piece of sh*t but ultimately I lay 99% of the blame square on my H's shoulders. Afterall, HE chased her-he allowed her to stroke his ego-HE could have said no. HE could have respected his vows-she couldnt have had an EA alone.

This statement is not to be confused- IF she were on fire- I'd fan the flames. She knew he was married w/children. He should have been a NO GO for her but she was married w/children and had no concern for her own- NO WAY she'd give a darn about someone else's. Same thing my H was doing. He knew she was married. He knew he was out of line every direction. But ultimately she owed me nothing- but HE did.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There are some high profile OWs who have, well, done well. Kate Cap shaw married Speilberg and Wendy D eng married Murdoch. Both were dating their husbands while they were still married.

While my exH was having an exit affair as far as I was concerned, I couldn't help but feel that secretary from his firm brought thought she was trading up. He was on partner track at one of the Big Whatever number firms. and strangely enough, she looked very much like mye exH's ex gf (the one before). He went to marry someone who looked more like me.

Reagading EAs, there are some women who like have a harem of men around them and they knowing that they can one up the partner of their male friend. Expressions like "he treats me better than he does his wife" and so on come to mind.

Some women make mistressing a career choice. They look for rich men and there you go. Look up Pamela Harr iman.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> There are some high profile OWs who have, well, done well. Kate Cap shaw married Speilberg and Wendy D eng married Murdoch. Both were dating their husbands while they were still married.
> 
> While my exH was having an exit affair as far as I was concerned, I couldn't help but feel that secretary from his firm brought thought she was trading up. He was on partner track at one of the Big Whatever number firms. and strangely enough, she looked very much like mye exH's ex gf (the one before). He went to marry someone who looked more like me.
> 
> ...



The bolded part really p*sses me off. Yeah, no kidding. And once something else comes along and flips her hair around-he'll treat HER better than YOU! Stupid.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I think the number is also inflated by the number of them that get "pregnant."





> It works pretty well to keep a guy on the hook for quite a while.


I never believed that any woman would have the hutzpah to try to do something this idiotic, or any man would fall for it.

Then I met someone who did. This woman not only faked a pregnancy, but actually got her "friend with benefits" to agree to a quickie wedding. I think they were married nearly two months before the poor bastard found out, but the only reason it took that long was because she had a body type that could hide a pregnancy well.

The saddest part is that this poor schmuck was his own cuckold. Anyone associated with either of them was 90% sure of what was going on. But because none of us who knew them were positive (and also that the dude in question was pretty much a douche on his own), nobody confronted either of them about the situation.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

I've been away for awhile, so now reading everyones replies. I agree that I need to understand the H and he carries most of the blame. I'm preparing myself to have a discussion with him as to what was missing in our marriage / what was he getting in his EA.

In the meantime, I couldn't resist the urge to try and find out via the OW. I called one of our mutal friends (they have been friends for a really long time). At first she didn't believe me, so I read her some of the messages. BAD IDEA!

She confronted the OW then the OW had an excuse to call my H. Then my H got po'ed at me for telling the friend. Ugh - ugly circle. (BTW - he didn't answer or respond to her call).

At the lest, I got some satisfaction that the OW's really good friend is disgusted with her now.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> If you've never met a man so good that you would do extreme things to get with him, I feel sorry for you. I've certainly met women who are worth fighting for.


I have met plenty of men that I want and would have done anything to get, but get this.....He was never married and neither was I. Things change once you make vows.


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