# I cant beleive I am going to ask this.



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Have any of you ever had suicidal thoughts that came after finding out about your H or W having a affair or cheating? And How do you deal with things?


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Yes, and if you are having these thoughts seek help from a psychiatric professional or your medical doctor.

Do it now. No marital problem is worth losing your life over.

If you have any of these thoughts before you can see a doctor, please do yourself a favor and call your local suicide prevention hotline.

It's so easy for emotions to get out of control in these situations.

I had suicidal thoughts when my wife told me she wanted a divorce and refused marriage counseling.

I was already on an antidepressant, so I asked my doctor to increase my dose. Things got better.

Really, get help now.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Suicide is a common feeling among those in this situation. You are not alone. Hail Mary is correct in the assessment that you need to immediately seek assistance from a professional. 

Talking to a professional does not make you a whack job or any other label people put on it. I do, however recommend against the suicide hotline. They are not helpful and will just listen as you talk, every now and then, they will inject a "Yeah" or a "yes" into the conversation... Just to sound interested.

There are far too many people in the world that want to be part of your life. To hurt yourself would be destructive to them as well.

I understand the feelings you have inside as I have recently lived them too. my wife had 2 separate affairs in just 3 months time. I had feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, undesirability, etc...

But the reality is that those feelings are often what the cheater should or does feel. I had to delve in to this website and ordered a small library of books from Amazon when I discovered the affairs of my wife... Someone who I love more than life itself.

Believe me when I tell you that "It is NOT you!" He had a lack of self control. HE is the one with the problems.

Do find someone to call and talk to, however. Post messages to the board. It can be very helpful to put your feelings down in words.

I promise that while you are in the middle of a dark storm and choppy waters, the clouds fade, the fog lifts and the sun does shine on your life again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Look into the mirror today and see that you are an attractive woman that is unquestionably desirable and worthy!

~Moog


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Its crazy huh when you get to that point in your life when you just are the lowest of lows. When you love someone so much and they break your heart. I never thought that it would be me. You hear all these people talk and your like wow seriously get some self esteem. But until something like this happends you dont really understand. I dont know I dont think that he fell in love with her but what if he had a crush that would crush my world. More so then the actual kiss. I guess I just dont know where I stand anymore and some days I think that I should just leave so he can be happy I feel like such a loser just bummy all the time. and like you said you feel worthless and unatractive and just blah I hate it I cant get motivation to do anything. I AM on prozac I have up and down days. I think that I just need a life aside from him to not just him I lost my great friend so I feel like I have nothing nobody to talk to. its hard.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Never had suicidal thoughts--just major anger issues. I never have taken medication. I found myself a very nice counselor. After almost 8 months of counseling things are looking much better. Going to church regularly has help too. The future is looking much brighter without the anger and bitterness.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I think many can relate to desperately wanting to get over something and having such a difficult time in doing so. I know I've been there. It's tough to trust after being burned and it's hard not to harp on it. You feel lame for not being able to get over it when that's all everyone else is telling you what to do.
> 
> You just have to deal with this in your own time on your own terms, Sunflower. No one else can dictate your feelings. I think those of us trying to encourage you through all this just hate seeing you consumed by it---frankly, because we know what it's like. When you allow that girl to consume your thoughts, you give her the power.
> 
> ...




I know it I feel like I am losing my mind somedays and people look at me and can tell lol. My biggest struggle in this all is if he really did like her? Was I not good enouph? would he have left me for her if she said yes I like you? ughh its killing me. I just dont know what to do I dont want to be with someone who is pretending to love me seriously how do you know if they love you? I am so lost now I do need to continue sessions I think. It would be best my entire world had been flipped I just wish I was stronger like him.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i've had suicidal thoughts years ago (not over cheating, but other things). no medication worked for me. 1 day i just said "f*ck it. i'm done feeling like sh!t" and some how that worked. recently, because of our seperation, the thoughts started popping up again. this time i needed a little help w/ ativan, but i was still able to say "f*ck it. as long as i have my daughter, the world can burn and i'll just sit back and watch"


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its like when you are with that person that you love so much its so hard to imagin life without them. I feel like I am poison to him HOW do I get out of this funk maybe if I get myself together feel good about me maybe I will feel good there right? what do I do hair done tanning new look? lol wow I am a nerd


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

:smthumbup:makeovers are always fun and a great ego boost. i've been going out a lot more w/ friends and on my own, that's been helping me


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Man oh man, even if your husband left you for her would be no reason to even think about suicide. God get over it already. Make up with your friend and grow up. Like she said, "There are a lot bigger problems in the world than this incident." Drop the drama and take up a hobby and quit obsessing over it. To the forum: 
I'm just saying what you want to say.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Your compassion is stunning, Martino! 

You aren't speaking for me...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

martino said:


> God get over it already. Make up with your friend and grow up.


I believe in your first post to the forum back in May you said that your wife was not giving you enough attention and i quote, 

"I'm sure to some this might sound whiny and trivial, but the truth is it hurts."

You came here for compassion because you were hurting. Albeit how trivial it felt to you, it hurt and you needed help then. Try and extend the same compassion to others as you came here for, too.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Whoa did you see my typing thoughts of suicide back in May too? I mean cmon now really. I know my post wasn't compassionate, she's had reply after reply and thread after thread people trying to help and giving good advice, many of which were frustrated that they couldn't get through to her, but none of it obviously helped at all as she's still obsessing. Just trying to help her since *NOTHING* has yet.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

people can talk and talk and it helps to hear what they have to say it helps you move on. BUT everyone has there own time in healing and well Martino I wish I could brush things off as easily as you. Maybe you are so hurt by your wife that you are bitter and getting to that point. I have my good days and bad days but I had to deal with tons of bull**** over the past ok. The thing is you dont know me and you cant pass judgment off that easily as to Me being pathetic and suicidal I asked if it was basically normal to have these thoughts never have until this and its not like I am going to go kill myself cause of thoughts. Wow really. you need to grow a heart.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

martino said:


> Man oh man, even if your husband left you for her would be no reason to even think about suicide. God get over it already. Make up with your friend and grow up. Like she said, "There are a lot bigger problems in the world than this incident." Drop the drama and take up a hobby and quit obsessing over it. To the forum:
> I'm just saying what you want to say.


Sometimes if you don't have anything nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all 

You don't speak for me either.

Sunflower, if you start having those thoughts again, please reach out and talk to a professional counselor or therapist about it. If you can't do that, it's better to call 911 because they can get you into a hospital. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem that will do a tremendous amount of damage to your children and family. If not for yourself, get some help for your kids.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I am ok! I just had a moment of sadness. Its hard you know when all you know and love betrays you thats all I am ok I am. And thanks to you guys saying he isnt speaking for you I know I can be annoying on here but I really think some of you help me thank you!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know that BUT I am not a pathetic person. I AM NOT. just want to make that clear lol. I am getting better day by day I was a hot mess in the begining of this though wow. But I love this site I come on here and when I do hit my patheticness I come right it down on here its a release for me!


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Sunflower-
While I haven't had thoughts of suicide, I have had thoughts of how much I hate my life, how much I wanted to drink myself into numbness, etc. I think the "wanting an escape" from the pain, the hurt, the anger is very normal. 

I think everyone who has been cheated on hits a low in their life they never imagined. I always liked myself enough before all this happened. No, I wasn't thrilled with my body since having 2 kids, but I wasn't miserable. When I found out my husband cheated I suddenly started nit-picking every little thing about myself and wondering what was wrong with me. I kept asking myself if I was pretty enough, kind enough, skinny enough, smart enough, a good enough wife, mother, etc, etc, etc. 

A very wise person on this forum told me at one time that if he was even considering a relationship with the other woman then in her opinion I should be done then and there. So I asked my husband flat out- if the other woman wanted a relationship with him. He told me he didn't know, she never said or implied that. I asked if at any time he was trying to decide with wanting a relationship with her or me. He told me no, that was never part of the decision making process for him. I know at this point in time, believing the cheater is very hard, and that's when you have to look to your heart and your gut to try and know if what he is saying is true. 

Sometimes just unloading all the crazy feelings you are having helps. The other day I called my mother-in-law (my husband told her what he did) and she let me sob and just talk, just talk out all my fears and insecurities. After talking, I felt so much better. Maybe I just needed a cry, maybe I just needed to know someone heard me and could listen. The amazing part about talking to her was that she loves her son, but she also loves me and our children. She truly wants the best for all of us. 

If you are really worried then please talk to your doctor. It would be too sad for your children if these types of emotions got the best of you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its so hard to not drink away the pain seriously! I am working on that! so far this entire week I have come home and drank.... Stupid. But I am ok! I have my moments. Sometimese its like I want to remember I cant forget I cant forgive its weird. I need to get the hell over it already!


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Sunflower;
In your fragile state I probably would not say things like Martino posted but, the general sentiment is correct. You are obsessing over something that in the grand scheme of things is fairly minor. Thoughts of suicide over a kiss are well.....a little crazy. You have 2 beautiful children and nothing (especially so minor) should EVER bring you to a place where you would entertain thoughts of abandoning them. I think it may be helpful to take a break from this site as it keeps things a little to "fresh". Go to a councilor NOW. Not tomorrow but NOW!! You need to get this "event" put into perspective. And might I add that you will run into much more serious life issues and you as a mother have got to learn some better coping skills so you can pass on confidence and strength to your children. They are seeing how you deal with lifes little problems and not getting a very good example IMHO. My God you have a beautiful family stop punishing them and yourself. Please put this thing behind you or.......if you cant you may need to move on. Your brain seems to be stuck in "why me" mode and it is destroying you and your family. You simply have too much to be happy for to be so unhappy. Buck up my good woman I know you can do it!!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I posted that because we know she isn't going to do that, she even said it herself.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Anyone is capable of anything given the right circumstances, Martino.


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## Matt1 (Mar 12, 2009)

SF, you're gonna feel your feelings - they are yours, you own 'em - but as you go thru the process everyone goes thru - disbelief, sadness, regret, even self-blame - remember the clouds alway part after the storm - even a hurricane. One big thing you want to do is fortify yourself. Start with gentle exercise and build up to more moderate until you have a real program going. The huge benefit from this is natural. Buying yourself something or a makeover melts away too fast. Exercise makes you feel good today and better tomorrow. Start with yourself and you will grow stronger - until the time you feel confident to be in charge - of your life and your choices. Start there and it WILL get better.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Thank you guys so much! I think that you are right I need a break from this site for a week see if that helps clear my head from being reminded all the time. And stuck in the sadness of stories people are telling. And well I think that I am fortunate with my family and life I cant kill that. And I need to look at what happend as something positive NOT a neg. I think that we had a kid marriage childs play type of marriage it was like ok we love each other we had a child we then got married house rush rush still wanted to party and hang out all the time with friends didnt grow up and my life was my friends not my family when it should be the opposite. SO maybe this was gods way of slapping us back to reality. Cause if not for this who knows what road we would have been down and maybe it would have ended in divorce cause we were just not growing up. SUCKS I lost so much but I think that I will gain sooooo much more right? Its funny well not litteraly funny but you come on this site looking for people in your situation or worst to make you feel better but it doesnt make you feel better it just makes you sympathise with people and learn that we are all human and everytime something like this happends it doesnt mean that they dont love the person or whatever they have lost self esteem and needed or got someone to boost that up. I am really thankful for all your comments really! I am working on me and I hope that I will come back better!


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

Yes. My first marriage. I think it is more common than we know. Have you had serious suicidal thoughts? Plans, know where, how, etc.?


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

How are you feeling now, three, almost four months later?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I think that as time goes on I can casually mention the kiss or whatever and talk about it withought feeling this big pit in my stomach. I dont know it helps I think coming here and writing my thoughts! I talked to him last night told him how I just feel as though something is missing in my life? I dont know I wish I could just talk to him like he was a great friend but he doesnt want to hear about all thats happend when I start talking about things he goes silent and just listens I dont know if that a good thing or a bad thing? But no I havent really thought of like buying a gun and 1 bullet. Its more the thoughts of ya I feel like crawling in a hole and dying or something like that you know just so sad and lost. I am ok and I would never leave my babes behind they are my life!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

While I agree that martino put it way too harsh, the sentiments are correct.

You played strip poker with the couple in question, in retaliation (not right either) he kissed the woman from the couple in question.

You are obsessing over something that in the grand scheme of things in your marriage is not that big a deal. Work on fixing your marriage, not about what wrongs (by both of you) happened in the past.

The past is the past, you can't change it, you can only work in the present to change the future.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> While I agree that martino put it way too harsh, the sentiments are correct.
> 
> You played strip poker with the couple in question, in retaliation (not right either) he kissed the woman from the couple in question.
> 
> ...




Well how do I know that was it? What if something more happend in that room? I know that a kiss in itself is just a kiss I have kissed many men and I wouldnt compair that to sex by any means whatsoever BUT how do I know can you tell if someone had sex?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Well how do I know that was it? What if something more happend in that room? I know that a kiss in itself is just a kiss I have kissed many men and I wouldnt compair that to sex by any means whatsoever BUT how do I know can you tell if someone had sex?


Well how does HE know that was it (strip poker)? What if soemthing more happened in that room? He knows that strip poker in itself is just strip poker I'm sure he's played strip poker with many people and he wouldn't compare that to sex by any means whatsoever BUT how does HE know can you tell if someone had sex?

See...it goes both ways.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ughhh it does huh. But ya I dont know the part I get stumped on is them up in our room with the door locked for a good 20 minutes you know but then if they messed around upstairs it wouldnt make sense of him talking her into kissing him in the garage. You know.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Eventually you'll just have to trust/believe him as he does you or move on without him, you can't keep this up, period.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know huh I know I cant keep it up. I dont really not with him. anyways. But its crazy what we have gone through how we are coming out of it. I think that my fear is it coming out in a shock again I swear that was traumatizing


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## misslady (Mar 17, 2010)

no but i've thought about killing his ass. either way, helped should seeked


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