# I'm not ready to give up



## TahoeBlue (Jul 3, 2012)

I've read so many stories here which have helped me in many ways, but I haven't heard one which relates specifically to mind, so I'm hoping for any feedback or help based on my situation.

I'm have been married for 12 years to a women I truly love, and we have 3 great kids together (all under 11). From the outside, most people who know us think we are the ideal family. Happy, successful, active and seemingly in love. But I guess that isn't the case. Let me explain.

I have owned my own business for about 13 years. Some very successful years, and some not so successful years. All-in-all we live a very comfortable life. My wife has always stayed at home with the kids, and taken care of the home. I have always worked a lot of hours and traveled way too much (i hate it, but it goes with the job).

Throughout our marriage, I have been very insecure. I have been jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. I wasn't constantly like this, but the years of my comments and personal unhappiness had taken there toll on my wife. I didn't realize how bad I was until it came to light about 2.5 years ago. Since then I have taken complete responsibility for my past behavior and have tried to reform but it appears to be too late.

We had been going to MC and individual therapy off and on. She said she wanted to work it out. She wasn't being honest, and the fact was she had decided a long time ago that she didn't want to be married to me, and that she was now longer in love with me. Then after several up and down's of her saying she wanted to try and then didn't really love me (and never would due to our history of not getting along).

Last summer, during a period of time that we were apparently working on our relationship, and she agreed that I had changed a lot. I wasn't being abusive in my comments, I wasn't unhappy with work or life, and for the first time in a long time, and I was truly happy. Well, i discovered that she had been having an affair, which I'm sure I don't know all the details, but enough to know it was short lived, but yet both emotional and physical. The guys was a real scumbag, much older and very unattractive. When I discovered it, she had already stopped seeing him and she was trying to get him to stop contacting her, but was afraid of what he'd do if she told him to completely leave her alone.

So, since that time I have forgiven her, as hard as it has been, and we started going back to therapy. It was discovered that while she is responsible for the affair, I had a great deal to do with it through my past cruel comments and actions towards her. That was about 9 months ago we discovered this stuff. We have had ups and downs, and many set backs. I've obsessed over it, had a hard time letting go, and she has her ups and downs with saying she wants a divorce and then doesn't.

Currently, she says she is finally standing up to me and her feelings, and she wants out of the marriage and wants to move out as soon as possible after school starts. She said she has always know for the past 2-3 years she wanted out, but was afraid to for many reasons. But, that she knows that nothing will change her mind or feelings, even my dramatic (and genuine) changes aren't enough to erase the past.

Here's the kicker. We still live together. We still sleep in the same bed. We still have great sex. We go on dates and have taken trips together. We still do most things together with the kids all the time, and laugh and have fun. Much of those together times were when she says she was trying to "grin and bear it" for the sake of the kids, and because she doesn't want to hurt me.

So, now everything seems honest. She is preparing to leave (I guess), but yet we're still doing all the above.

Do we have a chance, and if so what thoughts do any of you have?


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