# Dating methods when single.



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Talking to a single friend of mine and it got me thinking about this. What methods do you guys use when you're out there searching for a partner?

I like to use the checklist approach. I have a certain list of things I am looking for in a partner, and I like to know what any prospects might be looking for. Have talks and see if the ideal future we both have in mind would mesh well with one another. If it does, then I would be interested. 

So how does everyone else do it? Just meet and see how you feel?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> Talking to a single friend of mine and it got me thinking about this. What methods do you guys use when you're out there searching for a partner?
> 
> I like to use the checklist approach. I have a certain list of things I am looking for in a partner, and I like to know what any prospects might be looking for. Have talks and see if the ideal future we both have in mind would mesh well with one another. If it does, then I would be interested.
> 
> So how does everyone else do it? Just meet and see how you feel?


Huh? I meet and see how I feel and I have a checklist at the same time, if they don't tick the box it affects how I feel so 🤷‍♂️


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Huh? I meet and see how I feel and I have a checklist at the same time, if they don't tick the box it affects how I feel so 🤷‍♂️


I won't even meet someone if they don't meet various criteria. If we've already met, I'd make sure they checked most of those boxes before any consideration of dating.

Mostly, I just like the idea of the compromise. I feel like a lot of people these days just kinda go with the flow when it comes to dating, at least more than I do. I wanna talk about 10 year goals and see if we line up. Otherwise, why pursue?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> I won't even meet someone if they don't meet various criteria. If we've already met, I'd make sure they checked most of those boxes before any consideration of dating.


Offline I always ended up with women that didn't match my criteria. The last three noteworthy offline encounters? Racial/religious differences, age differences, romance at work. Two of them became my most influential exs. I dodged a bullet with the latest one. Online I can set religion, race, age, height which helps with the criteria abit. But then there are so many other factors with compatibility, like latest one - opposite love languages.

But these are deeper questions, and some women take time to warm up to direct compatibility questions though I found, then at the same time trying to engage them in a conversation through text most of the time is meh. Aside from the plentiful scammers, I was almost ghosted from one of the woman I'm dating because I asked her straight away direct compatibility questions, at the same time I get ghosted for small talk, so it's always like place your bets on either red or black and see how it goes 

Then even when you do have a conversation going, sometimes there's just no chemistry you know, so let it disappear and the conversation to ghost itself.

@Deejo mentioned that the whole idea is to meet ASAP, and anything texting that is done should only involve preparation for it. But I don't know. Dating costs time, money, and effort. I'd rather not go on a date and find out theres a dealbreaker before we even get our food on the table you know.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I never found 10 year goals to play into whether I wanted to date a woman or not. Was always more primal when it came to that, back when I was single.

If I ran across someone I felt drawn to for some reason I'd start pursuing her rather bluntly and aggressively. Try to start a conversation she found interesting and mix in the tone of I want to date you, take you to dinner, what's your phone number. While always giving her an out if she wanted. Basically showcasing who I am and what I have to offer right off the bat.

Through that whole process you just naturally end up figuring out if you're compatible or not. And being aggressive nowadays in the right way makes you really stand out from the crowd of mostly docile, sluggish men. I had a high school diploma and was unemployed when I met my wife. Ended up beating out a few other suitors who were all wealthier, better educated or better looking than me. Sometimes all three. One of them was even an MD but like most men nowadays they just didn't know what they were doing.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

gaius said:


> I never found 10 year goals to play into whether I wanted to date a woman or not. Was always more primal when it came to that, back when I was single.
> 
> If I ran across someone I felt drawn to for some reason I'd start pursuing her rather bluntly and aggressively. Try to start a conversation she found interesting and mix in the tone of I want to date you, take you to dinner, what's your phone number. While always giving her an out if she wanted. Basically showcasing who I am and what I have to offer right off the bat.
> 
> Through that whole process you just naturally end up figuring out if you're compatible or not. And being aggressive nowadays in the right way makes you really stand out from the crowd of mostly docile, sluggish men. I had a high school diploma and was unemployed when I met my wife. Ended up beating out a few other suitors who were all wealthier, better educated or better looking than me. Sometimes all three. One of them was even an MD but like most men nowadays they just didn't know what they were doing.


That was never my style. Dating for me was always more like fishing. I just showed up to the place where the ladies were, I cast my bait, and I reeled in whoever took the bait. I've never really overtly chased a female in my adult life.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A checklist? I don't get it. You meet, you talk and find out if you are compatible. I dated a few girls before I got married, but like @Enigma32 I was never the initiator. I was usually chased. I actually loved that... lol... now that I'm a lot older, and unattached, I'm not sure I could date again. Who knows. It's just so scary.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> That was never my style. Dating for me was always more like fishing. I just showed up to the place where the ladies were, I cast my bait, and I reeled in whoever took the bait. I've never really overtly chased a female in my adult life.


I'm a mix of you two, I see someone who gives me 'that look', then I approach her and strike a conversation. If there's chemistry, there's a number!
I don't approach if I don't sense she's attracted to me. I don't cast a bait at all. I'm the bait! 

Online though it's a whole different ballgame.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Offline I always ended up with women that didn't match my criteria. The last three noteworthy offline encounters? Racial/religious differences, age differences, romance at work. Two of them became my most influential exs. I dodged a bullet with the latest one. Online I can set religion, race, age, height which helps with the criteria abit. But then there are so many other factors with compatibility, like latest one - opposite love languages.
> 
> But these are deeper questions, and some women take time to warm up to direct compatibility questions though I found, then at the same time trying to engage them in a conversation through text most of the time is meh. Aside from the plentiful scammers, I was almost ghosted from one of the woman I'm dating because I asked her straight away direct compatibility questions, at the same time I get ghosted for small talk, so it's always like place your bets on either red or black and see how it goes
> 
> ...


When single I can say I took dates only to places I wanted to go anyway unless there was mitigating circumstances like there was sex with hot woman on the table that night.

Other than that, if she liked where we went and we had a good time, that kept door open to learning more about each other.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Follow her for 45 minutes. 
If security hasn't been called, move in.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My ten year goal would be to have sex with someone that wanted to have sex with me and that I enjoyed being around.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> My ten year goal would be to have sex with someone that wanted to have sex with me and that I enjoyed being around.


Sh!/, that's my daily goal.

Good thing I'm married to one who supports my goals.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So much depends on where you are in life and what you want to accomplish at a given stage in life. 

If you are wanting to get married, share property, get a mortgage in both names, have children together, carry insurance on each other etc etc etc,,,,, then you should have a list of criteria that includes things like sobriety, mental and physical health, financial responsibility, maternal/paternal ability, faithfulness, responsible etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. 

I like Richard Cooper's admonishment to hire slow and fire fast in looking for someone to meet those criteria. 

But the more independent and self supporting you are and the less you are interested in things like joint property and children etc the more the world opens up.

At this stage of my life if I were to become widowed or get divorced, my criteria would be not fat, physically attractive (to me) not mentally ill or have any personality disorders, be self supportive and have good sexual chemistry with me. 

There would be bonus points for appreciating good movies, classic sci fi and 80s music and like to get outside for hikes and motorcycle rides etc. 

But at this point in my life I don't need anyone to raise kids, clean my house or fix my meals and I certainly don't need someone to sit down and discuss a monthly budget with me or tell me what motorcycle or gun I can buy next and I don't need someone to ask me what handbag or sundress or pair of shoes they can buy. If you have your own money and your your own ATM card you don't need to ask me what you can do with it and I am certainly not going to ask you what I can do with mine. 

What I need is someone to cuddle up with and love on and give each other good orgasms. The rest is crap I can take care of myself and expect other able bodied adults to take of themselves as well. 

God sent Eve to Adam because Adam was lonely and had a full tank. Not because Adam needed someone to feed him or clean his hut and certainly not because he was wanting to bicker over a monthly budget with somebody.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> So much depends on where you are in life and what you want to accomplish at a given stage in life.
> 
> If you are wanting to get married, share property, get a mortgage in both names, have children together, carry insurance on each other etc etc etc,,,,, then you should have a list of criteria that includes things like sobriety, mental and physical health, financial responsibility, maternal/paternal ability, faithfulness, responsible etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
> 
> ...


My goal would be to avoid people with mental issues... lol... it looks like at this moment, we are heading towards selling the properties next year and go completely separate ways. I can see myself returning to my own country to find myself again. That would be nice. Although I would miss my kids and the dog a lot.

Dating? I doubt it - very much.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> My goal would be to avoid people with mental issues... lol... it looks like at this moment, we are heading towards selling the properties next year and go completely separate ways. I can see myself returning to my own country to find myself again. That would be nice. Although I would miss my kids and the dog a lot.
> 
> Dating? I doubt it - very much.


But it may just be a matter of redefining what you call 'dating'. 

Are you in the serious market for seeking a new mate or would you simply like to get out of the house and enjoy the company and charms of a fair lady? Those are two completely different things. 

At our stage of life (I'm assuming you are roughly my age (58) and your kids are grown) we can set our own goals. Some people will want to find another mate to share hearth and home and conjoin finances and get on each other's insurance plans be legally wed. 

Others might enjoy a leisurely tour of a historical sight and share a cold meat sandwich lunch along the side of a mountain road out of a cooler in the car while it rains, and then an afternoon of wild monkey sex. 

That's the beauty of being a full grown adult that's not raising minor children anymore - you can decide your own relationship and dating goals.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In recent weeks I have heard a few different podcasts where the distinction between dating and courting has been discussed. 

I guess I always thought that the term courting was simply an older wording for dating. Perhaps it even was but has taken on a somewhat updated definition in recent years but in some religious circles and purity culture etc there is a distinction between dating and courting and I think some of that is being touched on here. 

What is boils down to is whether one is dating to get out and do something with someone and have some fun and maybe get to know them a bit and see what you think of them and see where things may go. 

Where as courting is intentionally developing a relationship with someone with intentions to marry. To cultures that court, they do not even ask someone to the soda shop on a saturday night unless they already see them as spouse material and see them as legitimate spouse candidate. They don't waste their time going on a saturday night movie date with someone that they do not see themselves as marrying and having a home and family with. 

So I think one of the first questions someone needs to ask themselves is whether they see themselves as dating or a courting.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> But it may just be a matter of redefining what you call 'dating'.
> 
> Are you in the serious market for seeking a new mate or would you simply like to get out of the house and enjoy the company and charms of a fair lady? Those are two completely different things.


Second option... at 59 (two days ago), I don't have the stomach for another serious relationship. My marriage has seriously damaged my ability to deal with commitments and responsibilities in general. I need a rest.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Second option... at 59 (two days ago), I don't have the stomach for another serious relationship. My marriage has seriously damaged my ability to deal with commitments and responsibilities in general. I need a rest.


Happy belated Birthday!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Second option... at 59 (two days ago), I don't have the stomach for another serious relationship. My marriage ha seriously damaged my ability to deal with commitments and responsibilities in general. I need a rest.


Damaged or simply been there done that, got that t-shirt and don't need another t-shirt like it? 

For me personally, I do not feel that I am damaged at all. I do not think that my ability to connect with someone and bond has been damaged or impaired at all. 

But I have been married, I have had mortgages and car payments, have raised children and have bickered over the monthly budgets and personal expenditures and basically paid my dues as a member of polite society that goes to school, gets a career, served my country and community, gets married, buys property and pays taxes on it and raises children. 

I've been there done that and have that t-shirt. I'm not 'damaged' from that.... but I'm not sure I need to do that all over again. 

I think I'd been fine in a little apartment or townhouse doing my own thing and dating as a means to get out of the house, enjoy the charms of a lady and enjoy the companionship and intimacy that can come from connecting with someone special. 

I don't need a mortgage and joint bank account and joint insurance cards or a marriage certificate to enjoy that. And I am certainly never having or raising kids again so why would i need all that other stuff????

When I was 30 and looking towards settling down and having a home and family, that was different. But it's almost 30 years later now and I have done those things. Why go through all that crap again???


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Damaged or simply been there done that, got that t-shirt and don't need another t-shirt like it?
> 
> For me personally, I do not feel that I am damaged at all. I do not think that my ability to connect with someone and bond has been damaged or impaired at all.
> 
> ...


I have done that too, but I guess you didn't have the stress of a wife with mental issues and the endless battles on top of everything else, only to be dumped when you are not needed any more. I'm sure you've had your issues, but I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. This is what I mean by "damaged". I'm broken. I need a break from everything.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> My goal would be to avoid people with mental issues... lol... it looks like at this moment, we are heading towards selling the properties next year and go completely separate ways. I can see myself returning to my own country to find myself again. That would be nice. Although I would miss my kids and the dog a lot.
> 
> Dating? I doubt it - very much.


This is GREAT news for you!!!! You will see, it will be like that giant stone that's been around your neck for years has fallen away!!! And you can always come back to the country where your kids are after you've had some time to "reset" yourself mentally and emotionally.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> This is GREAT news for you!!!! You will see, it will be like that giant stone that's been around your neck for years has fallen away!!! And you can always come back to the country where your kids are after you've had some time to "reset" yourself mentally and emotionally.


yes, but I'll miss the dooooooooooooooog! He is not mine, he's my wife's...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> yes, but I'll miss the dooooooooooooooog! He is not mine, he's my wife's...


I know, that isn't just something that's easy to get over. 
But he won't forget you if you take 6 months or a year away...you can come back and see him after (IF she allows it).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I know, that isn't just something that's easy to get over.
> But he won't forget you if you take 6 months or a year away...you can come back and see him after (IF she allows it).


she would allow it... she is not like that, luckily...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Second option... at 59 (two days ago), I don't have the stomach for another serious relationship. My marriage has seriously damaged my ability to deal with commitments and responsibilities in general. I need a rest.


Hey!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I hope you did fun things and ate lots of cake!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Hey!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
> I hope you did fun things and ate lots of cake!


I didn’t have cake  but I went to a Thai restaurant with my son and my niece. Wonderful food and a bottle of Bollinger. Very nice…


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> A checklist? I don't get it. You meet, you talk and find out if you are compatible. I dated a few girls before I got married, but like @Enigma32 I was never the initiator. I was usually chased. I actually loved that... lol... now that I'm a lot older, and unattached, I'm not sure I could date again. Who knows. It's just so scary.


Oddly enough, it always seemed like in my crowd, the men were mostly chased. It was really appalling how little effort they put into meeting women. It wasn't like that everywhere at all, but it was like that in Dallas in the music clubs in the 70s and 80s for sure. In contrast, L.A., men were very proactive and would come right up and talk to you and not in a pickup kind of way, but just curious about you, but in Dallas, it was the opposite. I was only in L.A. for a few days at a time, but I certainly got a lot more attention there than here. Here, I did the making sure I met someone part.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> My goal would be to avoid people with mental issues... lol... it looks like at this moment, we are heading towards selling the properties next year and go completely separate ways. I can see myself returning to my own country to find myself again. That would be nice. Although I would miss my kids and the dog a lot.
> 
> Dating? I doubt it - very much.


Well, be sure you move somewhere with a backyard so you can get a new dog. It will help a lot.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oddly enough, it always seemed like in my crowd, the men were mostly chased. It was really appalling how little effort they put into meeting women. It wasn't like that everywhere at all, but it was like that in Dallas in the music clubs in the 70s and 80s for sure. In contrast, L.A., men were very proactive and would come right up and talk to you and not in a pickup kind of way, but just curious about you, but in Dallas, it was the opposite. I was only in L.A. for a few days at a time, but I certainly got a lot more attention there than here. Here, I did the making sure I met someone part.


I didn’t do it on purpose, really. I was young and naive and I had a very romantic view of relationships. I was very chuffed that beautiful girls were flirting with me and wanted me. I guess it was that I always needed love and I never got it until then.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, be sure you move somewhere with a backyard so you can get a new dog. It will help a lot.


I’m not sure I will want a different dog than the one I have now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I’m not sure I will want a different dog than the one I have now.


They are all wonderful and if you love that one that much, you will be glad you got the next one and the next one and the next one. You will love all of them and they will love you. It would be best to get a dog door and a backyard and two dogs and they can keep each other company if you're off at work.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

This nice lady chatted me up at the Supermarket last night. Too bad I'm married or I would have definitely went with it. This wasn't the first time; I feel supermarkets are a great way to meet women if you are single.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is going to be different with the spectrum of men.

You have to work with what you have in your toolbox.

Many women that I find attractive, actually pursue me.

All I had to do was choose.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> This is going to be different with the spectrum of men.
> 
> You have to work with what you have in your toolbox.
> 
> ...


That's kinda my preferred method. I also noticed that if you pursue and it fails, your credibility takes a hit. Ladies will tell all their friends that you hit on them, show screenshots of texts, tell stories, etc. I'd rather not be the guy known to get shut down by some random girl. Instead, I'm the guy known to shut down most women. I really think that helped my cause.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> That's kinda my preferred method. I also noticed that if you pursue and it fails, your credibility takes a hit. Ladies will tell all their friends that you hit on them, show screenshots of texts, tell stories, etc. I'd rather not be the guy known to get shut down by some random girl. Instead, I'm the guy known to shut down most women. I really think that helped my cause.


Yeah. I'm pretty thick skinned when it comes to this stuff and wouldn't care either way but men just need to measure themselves for what they are prepared for.

Some guys I know aimed pretty high and one or two actually caught her and it was like a Chihuahua who caught a firetruck.😎


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> This nice lady chatted me up at the Supermarket last night. Too bad I'm married or I would have definitely went with it. This wasn't the first time; I feel supermarkets are a great way to meet women if you are single.


Must admit I don't know anyone who met their partner in a supermarket. On a train yes. At a bus stop yes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I made a long list of what I wanted in a guy and I was looking to marry not just casually date. My list (most important thing being that he had to be a strong Christian) cut off the vast majority of available men in the UK so for me it had to be OLD on Christian sites.
If I hadn't been a Christian I would have had many more opportunities and dates, but I had learnt my lesson the first time.
My advise is don't set what I would call shallow criteria about height, earnings, education etc because you may just be missing out on a really lovely person who may just be slightly shorter than you want for example.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I made a long list of what I wanted in a guy and I was looking to marry not just casually date. My list (most important thing being that he had to be a strong Christian) cut off the vast majority of available men in the UK so for me it had to be OLD on Christian sites.
> If I hadn't been a Christian I would have had many more opportunities and dates, but I had learnt my lesson the first time.
> My advise is don't set what I would call shallow criteria about height, earnings, education etc because you may just be missing out on a really lovely person who may just be slightly shorter than you want for example.


Everyone has their priorities. You prioritized a Christian man, and some others might prioritize an educated man. Personally, I don't think it really helps anyone if people lower their standards too much. Instead, I prefer people work on themselves in order to attract the partner they desire. If they aren't willing to do that, they can always get a cat.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If I hadn't been a Christian I would have had many more opportunities and dates, but I had learnt my lesson the first time.
> My advise is don't set what I would call shallow criteria about height, earnings, education etc because you may just be missing out on a really lovely person who may just be slightly shorter than you want for example.


I agree that the longer the list of requirements, the shorter the list of candidates it will be. 

However, each person has their own traits and characteristics that are critical to them that to others may seem silly, superficial or even completely nonsensical. What you consider shallow criteria may be an absolutely must-have criteria for someone else, just as someone else may consider your insistance on what you consider Christian as ridiculous. 

The problem is we don't choose which traits and characteristics we deem essential. Things like attraction and desire and respect and admiration etc etc aren't conscious choices. 

I think we can agree that for a relationship to work long term, a woman must respect and admire the man and the man must cherish and honor the woman. 

Some women simply cannot respect and admire a man that isn't a certain height or hasn't reached a certain educational level or a certain financial status. If she can not respect and admire him, the relationship will flouder. 

Likewise a man must cherish a woman in order in order for him to cleave onto her and forsake all others. Men simply can't do that if he does not find her attractive and desirable to him and she doesn't trip his trigger. 

You can tell people what you think their selection criteria SHOULD be. They may even agree with you on some things. But if someone simply has to have twinkling blue eye and curly blond hair, you can preach day and night about how perfect someone brown eyed brunette is and eventually the relationship will crumble. 

It's only superficial when the other person needs a criteria we don't really value that much. 

But when it comes to ourselves, we need what we need and it is critical criteria to us whether other people give a hoot about it or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> Personally, I don't think it really helps anyone if people lower their standards too much.


I'll go even further and say that it is likely doomed to fail eventually.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> Instead, I prefer people work on themselves in order to attract the partner they desire. If they aren't willing to do that, they can always get a cat.


This should be the 11th Commandment.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> That's kinda my preferred method. I also noticed that if you pursue and it fails, your credibility takes a hit. Ladies will tell all their friends that you hit on them, show screenshots of texts, tell stories, etc. I'd rather not be the guy known to get shut down by some random girl. Instead, I'm the guy known to shut down most women. I really think that helped my cause.


That happened to me over on the other forum. I had flirted with a bunch of women, talked to some of them on the phone once or twice, nothing really very serious. Then when word got out I was actually dating someone in person the next thing you know she's getting messages about how she better watch out cause I'm bad news. 

At the end of the day though it usually boils down to whether you have what she's looking for in a man. Being bold, aggressive and way into her goes a long way toward that for a lot of a women. Plus we're not talking about naming a star after or buying these women a Mercedes. It's pretty easy to make a particular woman feel special even if you've shared a little flirtatious banter and talk of going out to dinner with other women. Not that big a deal even if they try to make it out to be.

Letting the women pick you, it seems to breed more problems than it solves, at least for me. I usually get a pretty strong whiff of dysfunction from those type of relationships that I've run across.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> That happened to me over on the other forum. I had flirted with a bunch of women, talked to some of them on the phone once or twice, nothing really very serious. Then when word got out I was actually dating someone in person the next thing you know she's getting messages about how she better watch out cause I'm bad news.
> 
> *At the end of the day though it usually boils down to whether you have what she's looking for in a man. Being bold, aggressive and way into her goes a long way toward that for a lot of a women.* Plus we're not talking about naming a star after or buying these women a Mercedes. It's pretty easy to make a particular woman feel special even if you've shared a little flirtatious banter and talk of going out to dinner with other women. Not that big a deal even if they try to make it out to be.


I managed to swoop in and steal a hottie right from under all her orbiters and guys hitting on her on a daily basis 
BUT! My secret is that I already knew she liked me, can just tell 

I can never hit on someone unless my gut tells me there's something there, it just feels weird otherwise.



> Letting the women pick you, it seems to breed more problems than it solves, at least for me. I usually get a pretty strong whiff of dysfunction from those type of relationships that I've run across.


And this is where I agree with you, organic encounters are too damn random. The lady above - my now ex after 4 years, was 18 when I met her. 🤦‍♂️


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

gaius said:


> Letting the women pick you, it seems to breed more problems than it solves, at least for me. I usually get a pretty strong whiff of dysfunction from those type of relationships that I've run across.


Oh, I still do the picking. I just pick from the ones that make it obvious they're interested. Any effort I usually put into meeting someone was done subtly, like arranging things so we might run into one another more. Most actual effort I think should be put into oneself instead of out looking for ladies.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They are all wonderful and if you love that one that much, you will be glad you got the next one and the next one and the next one. You will love all of them and they will love you. It would be best to get a dog door and a backyard and two dogs and they can keep each other company if you're off at work.


I work from home, so keeping company to the dog wouldn't be a problem. I just can't contemplate leaving the present one. It's an unbearable thought...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> Everyone has their priorities. You prioritized a Christian man, and some others might prioritize an educated man. Personally, I don't think it really helps anyone if people lower their standards too much. Instead, I prefer people work on themselves in order to attract the partner they desire. If they aren't willing to do that, they can always get a cat.


The thing is that Mr D has a PhD and I left school after A levels at 18 and worked full time. Bought a house at 20. 
There are different types of intelligence and you may well miss out on your soul mate if you must have someone with a degree for example.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I work from home, so keeping company to the dog wouldn't be a problem. I just can't contemplate leaving the present one. It's an unbearable thought...


I completely understand. I wouldn't be able to do it. Lots of people wait until the dog dies to divorce. My own parents did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I completely understand. I wouldn't be able to do it. Lots of people wait until the dog dies to divorce. My own parents did.


I could have never left my dog or my children  .


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I completely understand. I wouldn't be able to do it. Lots of people wait until the dog dies to divorce. My own parents did.


That would be another 10 years...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> That would be another 10 years...


Is there an alternative where you stay in the area and get to have custody of the dog a day a week, maybe? I mean, if she loves the dog, then she will also hate that the dog loses you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is there an alternative where you stay in the area and get to have custody of the dog a day a week, maybe? I mean, if she loves the dog, then she will also hate that the dog loses you.


It's a possibility...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> It's a possibility...


I would ask her to think of the dog, that you don't want it to feel abandoned. Then you could even get a dog of your own and have play dates!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> It's a possibility...


Yeah why not walk the dog for her?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that Mr D has a PhD and I left school after A levels at 18 and worked full time. Bought a house at 20.
> There are different types of intelligence and you may well miss out on your soul mate if you must have someone with a degree for example.


But one does not miss out when they don’t get what they don’t want. 

You may value intelligence even without a degree.

But someone else may value the degree....perhaps even without the intelligence.

If someone values education level, they won’t miss out on someone who does not have that educational level because they didn’t want a lesser educated person in the first place.

If someone really values education and prioritizes that, then someone who is not educated will not be their soulmate as the other traits they do have won’t matter as much to the one who values education.

I’m just using education as the example as that is the example you used, but you could apply that concept to anything - looks, height, income, athleticism, good dancer, love of animals, politics, blond hair, tattoos, pink toenails, whatever. 

Traits that may seem trivial to you, may be absolutely critical to someone and something you deem important and critical may be a complete nonissue to someone else.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> But one does not miss out when they don’t get what they don’t want.
> 
> You may value intelligence even without a degree.
> 
> ...


I don't have a degree, am I dumb?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I don't have a degree, am I dumb?


Did you spend $500,000 to end up slinging coffee at Starbucks?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

jonty30 said:


> Did you spend $500,000 to end up slinging coffee at Starbucks?


Nah I spent that money on a buyout instead 😅


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

The lost of basic requirements weeds out most potential dates


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah why not walk the dog for her?


I already do it. I do everything. If I leave, it would be going from 100 to 0. But I can’t take the dog with me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I don't have a degree, am I dumb?


People who are successful without a degree are probably the smartest of them all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> People who are successful without a degree are probably the smartest of them all.


Wouldn't say the smartest of them all but at the very least not stupid I would think


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> The lost of basic requirements weeds out most potential dates


Maybe you are too picky...


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Maybe you are too picky...


I figure since I am not looking for a LTR I can be picky. 😉


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> I figure since I am not looking for a LTR I can be picky. 😉


Oh, that makes NO sense at all!!!! Lol!!

You are supposed to be MORE picky for a LTR, and LESS picky for hookups!!!
At least that's what I heard...Lol!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh, that makes NO sense at all!!!! Lol!!
> 
> You are supposed to be MORE picky for a LTR, and LESS picky for hookups!!!
> At least that's what I heard...Lol!


No. I'll be ever MORE picky if I chose to get into a LTR 🤣🤣🤣


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> No. I'll be ever MORE picky if I chose to get into a LTR 🤣🤣🤣


Lolol!!!! Well, now you are just being CRAZY!!!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's important to know what you like. Just saying...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

When I was single between marriages, I just went with whoever I met and went out with them casually. Big, small, fat, thin, all different races, etc. No check list or anything that mechanical. Met and went out with a number of women and had sex with many of them. It was fun. Most were not really marriage material as some were still married and separated but still fun to go out with people and do things.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Talking to a single friend of mine and it got me thinking about this. What methods do you guys use when you're out there searching for a partner?
> 
> I like to use the checklist approach. I have a certain list of things I am looking for in a partner, and I like to know what any prospects might be looking for. Have talks and see if the ideal future we both have in mind would mesh well with one another. If it does, then I would be interested.
> 
> So how does everyone else do it? Just meet and see how you feel?


Hi,
Spin plates, and don't ever remarry


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## visionary (Mar 4, 2020)

Great thread. 

@oldshirt - Nice point about dating vs. courting. I am a single mother, which does complicate things for finding a partner. I separated / started the divorce about 3 years ago, been divorced for over a year. I spent some time (sexually) with a guy last year. It was disastrous because I felt I was falling for him, but he had no feelings for me. 

I haven't seen anyone since then and just started talking to guys online recently. I feel I'm in a good place because I truly love my own company. I recognize the toxic patterns sooner than before, and cut off those who are insecure, needy, etc. I don't _need_ anyone, but I do _want_ someone. 

I like the idea of courtship, but given my massive list of requirements because I have three children, I'm concerned that means I'd be alone for a very long time. The thing is, I'm a few years from 40 and at my sexual peak. So while I don't need anyone to share bills or insurance, I definitely want someone with whom I can share that wild monkey sex thing you mentioned. 

I get attention online - I mean 500+ likes in a matter of hours. But I'm extremely discerning. I don't want to end up in bed with a horny young guy, a creepy old guy (I seem to attract polar ages), or _anyone_ who's not serious about me and in love with me. I'd rather only sleep with one more person in my life. 

I think I just gotta stick to courtship and wait for the right guy... Keep on befriending myself every Friday and Saturday night... Right? Might be a while but I think it's worth waiting. 

Admittedly, I lack experience avoiding sex while getting to know a guy 🤔 Managed to keep it to third base with the one I saw in 2020, but even that felt dirty.


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## scottidrozdowski (4 mo ago)

This list could never guide me because if I don't feel comfortable around a person, then he is unlikely to be able to convince me. Usually, I just choose a person by appearance, start chatting with him, and if I like how our connection is going, we already go out on a date. It is the best option for me because sometimes you can't predict what impression someone will make on you in real life. I recently talked to a girl who initially did not attract me much, but she did not get out of my head after a while now. Click here if you also want to find someone to your taste and get acquainted. There are many profiles of girls that you can view before writing to anyone, which is very convenient.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> This nice lady chatted me up at the Supermarket last night. Too bad I'm married or I would have definitely went with it. This wasn't the first time; I feel supermarkets are a great way to meet women if you are single.


supermarkets and Home Depot are a gold mine of women ❤


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## Dean G (7 mo ago)

When you say 'checklist' do you mean you're just screening them to filter out what you like and don't like about them, and what seems to align with your own values and boundaries?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Dean G said:


> When you say 'checklist' do you mean you're just screening them to filter out what you like and don't like about them, and what seems to align with your own values and boundaries?


I always had certain specific things I wanted from a partner and I usually just keep most of it to myself. It's off putting when someone comes at you with a checklist, like you're applying for a job. I prefer to just let people talk and I listen. People are much more open and will say things they otherwise wouldn't if you seem less judgey and are a good listener. Once the people you meet display a couple dealbreaker traits for you, then you know they aren't the one.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

The older I get, the longer my checklist gets.

When you’re young, the only thing on your checklist is looks. And it’s why sites like this exist..lol.


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