# hi im a 30 y/o male whose wife cheated while deployed, need advice



## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

im just looking for advice both me and my wife are currently in the military. she was deployed to aghanistan for 4 month 5 years ago. At this point we had been dating for 7 months and just moved into together the relationship was going great. when she arrived in afghanistan the only guys she could find her to talk to were force protection or generaly infantry f your not familiar . anywa her female friend from the base she worked at back home {iknew her friend as well} and her started working out with the these two force protection guys. she always told me it was becaus it was only because they were all a similiar age.anyway as the tour progresses she keeps telling me how she enjoy wokring out with these two guys. At this pint i let her know to be careful for in an extreme envirnment things can happen you dont intend. so at the end of the tour they are getting ready to head to cyprus for 3 days at a resort to decompress, I tell her alot of bad stuff happens when everyone suddenly is able to drink all they want and dont make any stupid decisions. wel over the course of the next few days i barel hear a word from but i do ask her if she did anything stupid she said no she loves me. so she rrives home three days later the first month back is good .life is back to normal. but thn after reading an email at works she starts crying and said she hd been caught kissing the guy she had been workoing out with and hanging out with in afghanistan. i got mad but said we would get through. i proposed 1.5 mnths later on new years. fast forward 5 years and one baby daughter later. after asking some questions she finally admits what happened in cyprus . she went out with everyone started drnking then flirting with that guy thy eventually snuck back to her room and had sex . then she woke up the next day and went drinking that and night and ended up sleeping with him again. Also she had picked out her engagement ring in afganaistan and it was in her luggage in her room. so after finidng this all out i just dont know what do ever since she came back i have not doubted her faiftfulnes over the last 5 years. She states it was the environment of being overeas in a compound for 3.5 months. our relationship was strong before and on deployement i thought it was strong throughout we discussed getting married . I just dont know what to think now i know it was 5 years ago but i cant shake the thoughts right now. I remeber giving her alot of warning about the leave in cyprus im military as well i said people make stupid decisions be smart. just dont really know what to do loking for advice


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

*Re: hi im a 30 you male whose wife cheat while delpoyed*

My friend this is something that you have to answer for yourself. You have been handed a really crappy bit of information. The first thing you need to make certain happens is no contact. You and your wife need to focus on each other. You need to decide if you can live with your wife knowing she has had someone else in her. If you can't save yourself the additional pain and anquish of working on a marriage while over coming infidelity. 
There is no excuse for this. Nor is there an excuse for hiding it. However lets be honest with the scenario, at the time you two were not married. Also you both were essentially separated for 7 months geographically. She came home to you married you and has been faithful....... 

I can't tell you what's best for you but I know for me and many people going through this can tell you what's coming. There's going to be a lot of pain, lots of questions, more pain, more questions, and hopefully on her side she is answering questions and being honest accepting her failures and being there for you while you process this. however there are plenty of folks that couldn't accept this and would walk away. But if you walk away from a good 5 year marriage and a kid because of one mistake when honestly you both should have separated or put the relationship on hold until the deployment was over. Then that's what you have to do.


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

thanks for the advice man it almost all makes sense.
and for my wife she says she tried to hide it and swore to never tell. she says she has moved on from that as it was 5 years. Its just for me because i found out 3 days ago its like ti just happened. and i find it makes it hard to commuincate with someone who has moved it into there distant past. and just the fact that she never told me i would like to hope if i was in her place i would have told her. we got engaged right after but wernt married for like a year and half after that ample time to come forward and bit the bullet. its the dishonesty and hiding thats got me the most troubled. Im not walking away just trying to make this immediete pain and anger im feeling dissipate and resolve as soon as possibe


oh and also she was only gone 3.5 mounts quite a baby tour for military ppl and inside the green zone of kabul AKA danger level not as high


thanks


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How long have you known this now?

Yikes, what a mess. I'm sorry this happened to you and your child. Plus the trickle truth makes you wonder what else she is going to slowly tell you. This crap is one of the reasons I think honesty about sexual histories is important...(head gesture toward current glory hole thread.)


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

i have known for about 1 week. and some days im completely fine with my wife and other i just dip down into pain and anger and seeking answers on every little thing.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She cheated while engaged to you. She admitted to you something happened only after an email popped up. She wanted to tell you bad news was coming before you heard it from someone else. She minimized. You went along with it as you loved her and believed her to a point. 

But it's obviously been gnawing at you for years because 5 year's later she comes clean. I imagined you now know her so well her lying to you is a flashback that you could not ignore, you pressed her hard and she folded. 

Know this, if that email never popped up she would have kept that little detail a secret to her grave. She would have justified it with what you don't know will not hurt you, But it is really her protecting herself from you knowing the truth. Note how she blames everyone thing and everyone but herself for making poor choices. After you had warned her, with an engagement ring sitting in a bag feet away. She went dark and ignored you for three days because she knew you weren't going to suddenly pop up. She knew she could pull the wool over your eyes and you would be none the wiser. 

I seriously doubt those 2 only hooked up while on the holiday btw. Plenty of time to fool around on base. 

Then the email popped up and so begins the slippery slope. 

So ask her how in the world are you suppose to trust her ever again? What is she going to do to regain that trust? 

Ask yourself will you ever get over her lying to your face ?


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

ya it is extremy dificult tp rebuld trust. i have spent the last couple nights thinking any possible question to ask cause my mind cant rest without knowing every single detail. often times the detaiils are painful but i have to knwo to move on. she has been asnwering questions pretty admirably telling her anything i want to know even if it makes her cunfortble. and i know she hurting right now to. see fully ackwoledge her actions and concealment were wrong


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She cheated while engaged to you. She admitted to you something happened only after an email popped up. She wanted to tell you bad news was coming before you heard it from someone else. She minimized. You went along with it as you loved her and believed her to a point.
> 
> But it's obviously been gnawing at you for years because 5 year's later she comes clean. I imagined you now know her so well her lying to you is a flashback that you could not ignore, you pressed her hard and she folded.
> 
> ...


What Brooklyn brings up here is questions you are probably going to want to ask. Minimizing , rug sweeping have happened. There is no doubt that you have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg on this. No one here will judge you for staying or going. I highly recommend starting a new physically intense hobby for those times that you have the urge to physically harm your wife or yourself. I busted up a small driveway with only a sledge hammer, it was greaaaattttt.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

davidpete1517 said:


> ya it is extremy dificult tp rebuld trust. i have spent the last couple nights thinking any possible question to ask cause my mind cant rest without knowing every single detail. often times the detaiils are painful but i have to knwo to move on. she has been asnwering questions pretty admirably telling her anything i want to know even if it makes her cunfortble. and i know she hurting right now to. see fully ackwoledge her actions and concealment were wrong


Look I know you are hurting but this isn't going to go away soon. Try an focus on you right now meaning, try to sleep, try to eat, try to work, shead some man tears. honestly your going to be stuck on the events while your mind will suddenly have epiphanies.

For me I was at work one day and while sifting through all the crap after discovery day, and realized that something about the story didn't sound right and bam. Took a break, called my wife. Told her I knew she was full of * long string of expletives forming some sort of a sentence inserted here". Then came home and she gave me more of the truth. Shead a tear or two, went to the back yard and started busting up concrete. that lasted about a month. Then the started a divorce proceeding which finally got my wife to deal with her mental issues "OCD/Clinical Depression/PTSD". Now there was around 3 or four years in there of other events. The point being this is a marathon not a sprint.


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

i know the route was of all this was selfisnes. she was having fun say an attractive guy and stuff happened. She says she didnt tell me when she got back because she knew i would take it badly and didnt want to lose me. i just cant trust her to tell me complete story now. i know the guy she cheated on me with not personally but i can acces his name on our military system for his phone number. i just can decide if i should call him and ask me to give him his version im not sure if he will try to protect her or what they have had no contact since the deplyment or so im told

wish i had a concrete slab to bust apart right bout now


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## davidpete1517 (May 23, 2018)

also her friend who deployed with her also ****ed one of the guys they hungout with when my wife did. she had a date to be married when she came back from deployment.Unaware if her spouse knws but i doubt it unsure if i should contact her and let her know i know and that she would maybe tell her spouse. but i would feel like i shouldnt interject myself


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

davidpete1517 said:


> i know the route was of all this was selfisnes. she was having fun say an attractive guy and stuff happened. She says she didnt tell me when she got back because she knew i would take it badly and didnt want to lose me. i just cant trust her to tell me complete story now. i know the guy she cheated on me with not personally but i can acces his name on our military system for his phone number. i just can decide if i should call him and ask me to give him his version im not sure if he will try to protect her or what they have had no contact since the deplyment or so im told
> 
> wish i had a concrete slab to bust apart right bout now


She didn’t tell you because she wanted to keep ****ing around.

DNA your kid.

File for divorce regardless of the results.

When her friend’s husband asks you why you filed, tell him it’s because she was ****ing around on you before you even married and is likely doing it now as well.

Oh, and that his wife was doing — and may very well _still_ be doing — the same thing. And probably with the same guys.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You seem to have your head on straight.

She lied so she could get married.

Do you really think it was just a weekend in Cyprus? She was working out with the guy for 3.5 months. I guess the point is, you'll never know. Do you think it wasn't all planned? It seems too much to believe.

You did find out a few things about your wife, though. She is willing to have some fun if she doesn't think she'll get caught. And she will lie to protect herself and get what she wants.

The miliary marriage is not easy, most of all because of the deployments. So if you can't be away for 3.5 months and stay faithful, how do you live when there is another deployment, for either of you?

If there is any bright side, and I'm not sure there is, but it looks like she never thought about leaving you. There was no "love" with the other guy. Just a friends with benefits arrangement it seems.

Possibly another bright side is that she kind of confessed. You asked again, she finally gave at least some truth. But I wonder, maybe you never let it go, so she got sick of it, and thought that if she finally told you something you might finally let it go forever. You kind of knew, or you wouldn't be asking 5 years and one daughter later. She knew that, maybe she admitted because she wanted you to finally stop asking. If she admitted this, you'd finally let it lie (no pun intended).

She definitely didn't think through anything, from the beginning, til now. Knowing what you know now, 30 years from now, will you still be wondering what really happened, the extent of the sex and lies, the extent of how planned or unplanned it was?

I understand the problem - you were tricked into getting married, but you didn't find out the lie until 5 years later and things are going "well" (from your point of view) and you have a daughter. I would guess that the way your wife thinks about your marriage is way different than the way you think about it.

I think knowing the truth might help. Is there a way she could take a polygraph about the extent of sex and planning? Polygraph is a tool. Used together with other tools, frequently cheaters come clean with more lies.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I am so sorry about this

If I could offer a few suggestions, you need to sit her down ASAP and tell her that you need to know everything right now. Also tell her that you are also booking a polygraph test for her to verify her answers.



You already know that she had another guy inside her when she was on a baby deployment. What was it, 3 months before she was screwing him? Is that a dealbreaker for you? Can you tolerate the thought of what she did at least twice while you were stateside being faithful to her?

Good luck


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Your wife is a big girl, so there's no use in her gaslighting or making excuses. She lied about cheating and lied to marry you. I'd bet that there's more to the story than she admits. Anyhow, deployed female personnel are notorious for cheating, way more than females at home. 
See a lawyer right now and do your 180.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Your wife needs to now prove herself even if it means you can still end up leaving.
The environment didn’t make her cheat. You weren’t sexually rejecting her. She has her own issues thay justified her cheating and then lying to you for years. 

The lies is what’s going to end up eating you alive. And like most people said, cheaters lie and minimize. She was willing to take this to the grave. Today it was only one time with this dude, then it was a second time etc.
No one should tell you what to do, and no story is alike, but one thing cheaters have in common is that they lie and minimize because they can’t cope with what they did. 

Good luck to you. Just remember that she chose to cheat. I’m sure you could have done the same, but you didn’t.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would talk to her girlfriend and tell her you want to know her version of events. Let her believe you won’t eat her out. 

Also do the polygraph no matter what. It is just to hard to believe it was only two nights. It’s hard to believe she even told you he was there for the vacay though too so maybe that’s true. The one thing you will find here though is they NEVER start out with the whole truth. They trickle the truth out over time. When everything makes sense you will have most of the truth. Right now you don’t.

Who was the email from. Why haven’t you read it? Have you gone over her phone bills with a fine tooth comb?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your wife’s answers are bs. 

Many service men and women deploy every day and never cheat on their SO.

Your girlfriend at the time chose to get drunk with and **** this guy she had a RELATIONSHIP with. Stop being the fool, she was in a relationship with him the entire time. She had feelings for him and everything. He was her bf during the deployment, I have seen it myself when I was deployed for a year. So when she was buying her engagement ring planing to marry you she was doing everything a gf and bf does with this other guy. You now what they say, what happens on deployment stays on deployment. You’ve been played a fool. I wonder what other hot and sweaty things they got up to for a work out. 

The thing that gets me is this sounds like one of the shortest deployments I have ever heard of. She couldn’t even stay faithful for that short amount of time. You have such a winner.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would let the other husband know of his wife’s “faithfulness”. He has a right to know who he married.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

This may not be a popular opinion but I think this meant nothing to her. I was Marine infantry many moons ago and also deployed to a combat zone. The environment creates some situations where you behave in ways you NEVER would back in the world. If she's been a great wife and you have no reason to doubt that then get the answers you need about this one time thing and then let it go and live a happy life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have been on my share of overseas deployments. This sort of behavior is rampant. 
The males are relentless. 
The females are pestered, day and night.

Sometime the females give in to 'one' guy. Just so the others leave her alone.

A smart lady will latch on to a strong male who knows his boundaries.
Who will protect her. Even that is fraught with danger.

She will then be subject to snide innuendos and lies about her actions.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Your wife’s answers are bs.
> 
> *Many service men and women deploy every day and never cheat on their SO.
> *
> ...


I would agree with the bolded quote. Most of the men do not cheat. From what I saw, at least a third of the women did cheat. That is what I saw and heard. It might be higher. The officer ranks are even higher. I would say that 40-50% of the female officers cheated.

Keep in mind, the ratio of men to women is high. Depending on the type of unit. Combat arms or Support units. Combat arms units had no females or maybe had a few in the HQ's section. I am sure this has changed. I retired over ten years ago.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Davidpete,

If I were you, I would want the truth regardless how painful the truth will have on your life. It is my thought; your wife is not giving you the complete truth because she wants to maintain her marriage without any repercussions. I would contact the affair partner and have a conversation with him. I would also contact your wife’s female friend and ask for additional information. You need all the information you can acquire to make the best decision for you and your family.

Best,
Dreamer


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

Your wife betrayed you two ways. First by cheating, and second by hiding it so you wouldn't end the engagement. She gambled that you wouldn't find out; and now she's counting on her deceit paying off - because so much time has passed.

In these type of delayed Dday situations I've always advised BS's to make the decision to R or D, based on what they would have done if they found out immediately. If you wouldn't have married her then, why would you reward her with R for lying and deceiving you for 5 years?

That's the logical approach, but of course I realize that logic and emotions are often at odds after being married a number of years. I offer this as just something to think about.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

badmemory said:


> OP,
> 
> *Your wife betrayed you two ways. First by cheating, and second by hiding it so you wouldn't end the engagement. She gambled that you wouldn't find out; and now she's counting on her deceit paying off - because so much time has passed.*
> 
> ...


And there was a third. She brought a baby into this world without you knowing she cheated. Having a kid changes a whole lot. You could have easily ended the engagement or divorced her before prior, now you have to consider custody. But, that's your situation thanks to a cowardly cheater.

You are going to have a hard time trusting this woman ever again. If you decide on divorce, go for atleast 50/50 custody of your daughter. You will come out the other side quicker than trying to R which could be a lifelong struggle.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Here are my thoughts on this:

Your wife cheated on you when deployed for a relatively short period of time. Real lack of moral fibre here with plenty of false justification for doing it (from both, you and her!).

I too believe that it started in Afghanistan and finished in Cyprus. They had sex many, many times.

She only came clean when you found out (even though 5 years ago your gut was screaming at you).

She deceived her way into a marriage with you and kept up the deceit very easily (should tell you something about her).

She appears to have been a perfect wife for the last 5 years but only because she was not put in a situation where she could succumb to temptation and get away with it. Who knows when she will do it again (or when she will get the next chance to cheat and get away with it).

You can never trust her fully after this - not only for cheating on you but also because of the effortless way in which she lied to and deceived you.

She is not relationship material - hell, I am not even sure she is deployment material.

It is a shame that you have a child with her, but this will eat away at you for ever and the resentment will get worse over time.

She is still lying to you to protect herself and so I do not think there is any real remorse here and so I do not think this "marriage" is worth saving.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sorry dude, but you still do not have the whole story.

She was emailing you most of the time how much she enjoyed working out with the guys. These "workouts" were more than running and lifting weights. She is trickle truthing you. Taking him to bed two days in a row while "drunk" makes no sense, unless a lot more went on during the entire time they were together. "Drunk" is just an excuse.

I know it has been five years but can you remember the email she cried over? When did she get caught kissing this guy? During the 3 day R&R or while they were in Afghanistan?

If you accept what she is saying, then you can expect her panties to fall if she has a couple of drinks and you are not around. She is saying that she screwed him twice in the 3 days just before she came home to you. Not a lot of self control there.

At the very least you now must keep a more watchful eye on your wife. Is it worth it?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So sorry you are having to deal with this. You just got served a major **** sandwich. 

You aren't alone. We've been through something similar.

It doesn't sound like she is in an active affair, so if she has been a good wife to you, been a good mom, kept her vows, then I don't think this is a lost cause. Keep talking about it. Ask what you need to ask. She needs to always answer truthfully and to the best of her ability. Schedule some counseling if you think it might help.

Is she willing to take a poly? If so, you might want to get that scheduled just for your own peace of mind. Make sure she has been faithful to you during the marriage and that this was a one time deal. 

In short, the trust in her and the marriage is broken, but it can be rebuilt if you guys want to do it. It will just take time to work through it and rebuild.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Co-ed deployments are the biggest bunch of bullsh*t the armed services ever instigated.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The ability to lie to your face then marry you and have your child is a very poor character trait because she knowingly stole your ability to choose your future with her over the past 5 years. Even if you work this out there are pretty good odds that it will happen again in the future because she's already shown she's the type of person that can cheat and be comfortable trying to cover up her actions instead of dealing with the consequences. If you decide to move forward with her just do it knowing the type of person you are married to and don't delude yourself into thinking it's a one time thing. I'd personally tell her you get a free pass to even things out and you won't tell her if/when you use it (this is so you can regain equal power in the relationship). Or, if you think you can't get past this (you need to have her earn it rather than assuming reconciliation is on the table) then just divorce her and start with a clean slate with someone else.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

davidpete1517 said:


> i have known for about 1 week. and some days im completely fine with my wife and other i just dip down into pain and anger and seeking answers on every little thing.





davidpete1517 said:


> i know the route was of all this was selfisnes. she was having fun say an attractive guy and stuff happened. *She says she didnt tell me when she got back because she knew i would take it badly and didnt want to lose me.* i just cant trust her to tell me complete story now. i know the guy she cheated on me with not personally but i can acces his name on our military system for his phone number. i just can decide if i should call him and ask me to give him his version im not sure if he will try to protect her or what they have had no contact since the deplyment or so im told
> 
> wish i had a concrete slab to bust apart right bout now


she knew you would have never married her. 

Hate to bust the bubble but did you ask your loving wife when it actually started?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The ****ing each other I mean. Because it wasn’t at the resort.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DavidPete,

Have your W write out a detailed timeline for the affair/affairs , then take her to get a polygraph.

Got to the inspector general and report these soldiers. Bypass their commanding officer.

Expose the OMs to their spouses, families, so, facebook, linkedin etc. Don't threaten or warn do it all at once suddenly and massively.

DNA your child too, and get a post-nuptual.

Tamat


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

You married a cheater and have no kids. Your relationship is built on a lie. Had you known you wouldn’t have married her. She is cheater. 

You know what you should do.


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## satphil (Feb 13, 2017)

^^^^^^

Don't think I'd bother to take advice from some one who had not read the post, he has a baby daughter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

davidpete1517 said:


> thanks for the advice man it almost all makes sense.
> and for my wife she says she tried to hide it and swore to never tell. she says she has moved on from that as it was 5 years. Its just for me because i found out 3 days ago its like ti just happened. and i find it makes it hard to commuincate with someone who has moved it into there distant past. and just the fact that she never told me i would like to hope if i was in her place i would have told her. we got engaged right after but wernt married for like a year and half after that ample time to come forward and bit the bullet. its the dishonesty and hiding thats got me the most troubled. Im not walking away just trying to make this immediete pain and anger im feeling dissipate and resolve as soon as possibe
> 
> 
> ...


She has moved on from it??? :wtf:

Well, bully for her as we Brits say! 

She has forgiven herself for cheating on you and putting you at risk of STDs and HIV?

Well... damn!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Of course all the multitudes of the scorned Tammers jump on this thread and advise D. I would say: unless you have been in the military and been on a deployment, you wouldn't understand the dynamics at play.

Some places are worse than others, but if you think you might die, it changes your thought process. And feelings of loneliness don't help either. They were not married, nor engaged. Even the military won't prosecute if there is no proveable adultery.

But prior to walking down the aisle, you both should have cleared the air on your past behavior, agreeing to move ahead and forsake all others from the past. Come clean during pre-marital counseling with the minister. He can help.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

How are you doing? I know that it is hell!!!

I would strongly recommend that you tell her that you are going to book a polygraph session for her to verify that it was only the one guy and that it only happened that one weekend.

Also, what are you going to do about the friend that was also ***ing around with the other guy. Her husband should know. At the very least she is no friend of your relationship by not stopping your future bride and encouraging her to remain silent.

Has wife cut all contact with her?


Good luck with whatever you decide and do


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Have you researched the pos? Was he married at the time? If so, the wife has a right to know who/what she married


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

TAMAT is 100% correct


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

*Re: hi im a 30 you male whose wife cheat while delpoyed*



badbane said:


> She came home to you married you and has been faithful.......


Nobody knows this but her. Not you, not OP. Husbands can't watch their wives 24/7.



badbane said:


> I can't tell you what's best for you but I know for me and many people going through this can tell you what's coming. There's going to be a lot of pain, lots of questions, more pain, more questions, and hopefully on her side she is answering questions and being honest accepting her failures and being there for you while you process this. however there are plenty of folks that couldn't accept this and would walk away. But if you walk away from a good 5 year marriage and a kid because of one mistake when honestly you both should have separated or put the relationship on hold until the deployment was over. Then that's what you have to do.


She kissed this guy once and then had sex with him two times after. OP's wife is of poor character (impulsive.) and not marriage material.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> DavidPete,
> 
> Have your W write out a detailed timeline for the affair/affairs , then take her to get a polygraph.
> 
> ...


 QFT and to make sure it got read and hopefully followed.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

dreamer2017 said:


> Dear Davidpete,
> 
> If I were you, I would want the truth regardless how painful the truth will have on your life. It is my thought; your wife is not giving you the complete truth because she wants to maintain her marriage without any repercussions. I would contact the affair partner and have a conversation with him. I would also contact your wife’s female friend and ask for additional information. You need all the information you can acquire to make the best decision for you and your family.
> 
> ...


Lmfao. The female friend likely won't tell OP ****. And if she does she will likely tell him the bare minimum. Birds of a feather flock together.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

DNA the kids, just to make sure. Also make sure they're not still talking, which might be a thing.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

davidpete1517 said:


> im just looking for advice both me and my wife are currently in the military. she was deployed to aghanistan for 4 month 5 years ago. At this point we had been dating for 7 months and just moved into together the relationship was going great. when she arrived in afghanistan the only guys she could find her to talk to were force protection or generaly infantry f your not familiar . anywa her female friend from the base she worked at back home {iknew her friend as well} and her started working out with the these two force protection guys. she always told me it was becaus it was only because they were all a similiar age.anyway as the tour progresses she keeps telling me how she enjoy wokring out with these two guys. At this pint i let her know to be careful for in an extreme envirnment things can happen you dont intend. so at the end of the tour they are getting ready to head to cyprus for 3 days at a resort to decompress, I tell her alot of bad stuff happens when everyone suddenly is able to drink all they want and dont make any stupid decisions. wel over the course of the next few days i barel hear a word from but i do ask her if she did anything stupid she said no she loves me. so she rrives home three days later the first month back is good .life is back to normal. but thn after reading an email at works she starts crying and said she hd been caught kissing the guy she had been workoing out with and hanging out with in afghanistan. i got mad but said we would get through. i proposed 1.5 mnths later on new years. fast forward 5 years and one baby daughter later. after asking some questions she finally admits what happened in cyprus . she went out with everyone started drnking then flirting with that guy thy eventually snuck back to her room and had sex . then she woke up the next day and went drinking that and night and ended up sleeping with him again. Also she had picked out her engagement ring in afganaistan and it was in her luggage in her room. so after finidng this all out i just dont know what do ever since she came back i have not doubted her faiftfulnes over the last 5 years. She states it was the environment of being overeas in a compound for 3.5 months. our relationship was strong before and on deployement i thought it was strong throughout we discussed getting married . I just dont know what to think now i know it was 5 years ago but i cant shake the thoughts right now. I remeber giving her alot of warning about the leave in cyprus im military as well i said people make stupid decisions be smart. just dont really know what to do loking for advice


Well I guess you know if you have read around her very long that you were stupid then to believe her, and frankly you are stupid now to believe her. No, buddy, unless you get her poly graphed, you can assume that she had an affair while deployed. Then lied to you for 5 years. 

Is your daughter yours, for sure?

You need to find out EXACTLY what went on and then decide if you want to be married to her anymore.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: hi im a 30 you male whose wife cheat while delpoyed*



badbane said:


> My friend this is something that you have to answer for yourself. You have been handed a really crappy bit of information. The first thing you need to make certain happens is no contact. You and your wife need to focus on each other. You need to decide if you can live with your wife knowing she has had someone else in her. If you can't save yourself the additional pain and anquish of working on a marriage while over coming infidelity.
> There is no excuse for this. Nor is there an excuse for hiding it. However lets be honest with the scenario, at the time you two were not married. Also you both were essentially separated for 7 months geographically. She came home to you married you and has been faithful.......
> 
> I can't tell you what's best for you but I know for me and many people going through this can tell you what's coming. There's going to be a lot of pain, lots of questions, more pain, more questions, and hopefully on her side she is answering questions and being honest accepting her failures and being there for you while you process this. however there are plenty of folks that couldn't accept this and would walk away. But if you walk away from a good 5 year marriage and a kid because of one mistake when honestly you both should have separated or put the relationship on hold until the deployment was over. Then that's what you have to do.


Even though you started out with the "there is no excuse" opener, this sounds a lot like minimizing. They were engaged. No excuse is 100% right statements like "you weren't married" water down that one essential core fact. 

I disagree. Many people suffer geographic separations during engagements. Moreover, married people get deployed. They do not put their marriage "on hold" during this time. Either you are committed to each other or you are not. 

So, she has been faithful (as far as we know) since then. But what happens the next time they suffer a geographic separation? It happens to many couples for a variety of reasons, including many not associated with military service.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“She’s been faithful ever since she was last unfaithful.”

First, that is _technically_ true. But that doesn’t mean that OP can even _pretend_ to know when she was last unfaithful.

I’d advise him to assume it was 5 minutes ago and kick her to the curb.

Second,

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

*Re: hi im a 30 you male whose wife cheat while delpoyed*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Even though you started out with the "there is no excuse" opener, this sounds a lot like minimizing. They were engaged. No excuse is 100% right statements like "you weren't married" water down that one essential core fact.
> 
> I disagree. Many people suffer geographic separations during engagements. Moreover, married people get deployed. They do not put their marriage "on hold" during this time. Either you are committed to each other or you are not.
> 
> So, she has been faithful (as far as we know) since then. But what happens the next time they suffer a geographic separation? It happens to many couples for a variety of reasons, including many not associated with military service.


Really.... I was responding according to the information given and not attempting to jump to conclusions. I am sorry you felt like it was minimizing but leading with there is no excuse and laying out a possible reason why the events unfolded the way they did is not minimizing. Yes many people suffer geographic separations during engagements, however I don't have empirical data but I would bet there I could find a correlation between the number of failed marriages and frequency of separation and length of separation. There is no excuse why one person should cheat on another. However the sad fact is it happens. Hopefully we are here to give the Betrayed a shoulder here to cry on, advice to move forward, provide hints at whats to come, and give tough love when necessary. I believe the worst time to put a ring on it right before your significant other gets separated for long periods of time. Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. If they had taken a break instead of move the relationship forward then they could have resumed their relationship without the added pressure of time away surrounded by men and tons of opportunities to cheat without the Betrayed having any means to know other than a few phone calls a week. It's just not a good idea and it's advice I'd give my friend if they were in the same situation.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I will say that this shows ultimate disrespect to you. To lie to you constantly for five years, marrying you and having a child with you, says to me that she sees you as less than, or someone to be disregarded at times. She was deadly selfish, and she continues to be so. I would recommend instituting divorce proceedings against her. Then, contact the spouse of the guy she banged. She deserves the truth. Take control of this situation. She lied, she disrespected. If she is still in the military, see if this will tie a can to her career. I still am of the impression, the military frowns on this behavior. Judging by the number of posters on several of these sites, who are current or retired military, I would venture to guess that at the least, it is a career limiting infraction. 

She seems to think that putting one over on you was a good thing. Prove her wrong, it is in your best interest to give her a severe amount of consequences for this huge fuÇk-you!


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

I feel your pain, it's been many years si ve my husband cheated on me , it came out ten years after the original affair, he had sex with one women from a bar twice whe working out of town and another woman a few years later a one night stand. I'm sure he would never have told me except he had shared the fact that he had cheated on me with a couple of guy friends one night and a bar and 9ne of them shared it with his wife so it became public knowledge in the small town we were from, and somehow I didn't hear about it for ten years, it was swept under the the rug with the usual groveling and swearing it will never happen again and promising to be the best he could be. To make it shorter after many years I kept catching him lying to me and keeping secrets, it all hit the fan again. He swears he never cheated again but I really dont know, when someone you love can look you in the eye every day for years and lie to you its hard to put your guard down. We went to counciling and It has really helped with communication skill, but it's the unanswered questions that eat a rsy me every day. My advice would be to make sure you have all of your questions answered, don't sweep it under the rug. It will come out again if you can't find some peace knowing you have all the details you need to feel like you can put it away. I hope you have better luck then I have had.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well...

She was a lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish, self loving wh*re.

A really important question is.... Has she changed?

If so, How do you know? How can she prove it and can she redeem herself?

What say you OP?


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

I think you should polygraph her. If she was unfaithful that one time then maybe consider reconciliation. If she continued her infidelity beyond that vacation then I think you should file for divorce.


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