# Attracted to Coworker



## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

EB123 said:


> But this attraction is something I can’t explain. *It’s stronger than I am*...


It's not.

Go full no contact.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.

Do you love your husband?

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

All good things to know.

Strong attractions happen. I have had several while being committed to Mrs. Conan for 30 years and managed to not stray.

I can put things in their place and attractions are interesting but not to be acted upon. Adults deal with this and make choices.
Choose your husband and your marriage.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision. 

I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision.
> 
> I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.


plus, being Bi, it simply doubles the number of potential cheating partners for them. It is hard enough to keep the guys away from my wife. If she was Bi, I'd have to worry about everyone as a 'potential'


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yeah, you need to discuss this with your husband.
it may be that you are bisexual, and suddenly realize it by way of you being attracted to this other woman.
is the other woman lebian, or bisexual?
would she be interested in three way sex with you and your husband, assuming hubby is up for that?

Generally speaking, workplace affairs are a VERY bad idea. they affect your job performance. and if you ever DO break up, it is like hell to keep going to the same job seeing this person you used to love but now hate for the next 10 years or so....so consider that too.

BTW there are PLENTY of bisexuals who marry heterosexually and NEVER have same sex partners afterwords. they are happy perhaps watching some lesbian porn from time to time. Maybe she can be just a really good friend of yours, but no sex, not even kissing


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is this your first attraction to a woman or have you had them before and ultimately chose your husband over women? 

I think you should have a stronger self-discipline than to have to quit your job over this. If as you say it's out in the open between you two then I think you need to tell her you're not going to interact with her anymore than you absolutely have to and have decided not to go down that path. Then you just do it. 

Does your husband know already that you are bi or at least have had some passing attraction to women whether you acted on it or not?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is this your first attraction to a woman or have you had them before and ultimately chose your husband over women?
> 
> I think you should have a stronger self-discipline than to have to quit your job over this. If as you say it's out in the open between you two then I think you need to tell her you're not going to interact with her anymore than you absolutely have to and have decided not to go down that path. Then you just do it.
> 
> Does your husband know already that you are bi or at least have had some passing attraction to women whether you acted on it or not?


Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You need to t stop interacting with the OW immediately before it turns into an affair. If you feel your self control is going to fail then you have to leave the job. I don't see any other options if you want to stay married to your husband.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Also consider that you may not be cut out for marriage. You don't have a great track record. You married a woman and presumably divorced her. Married and man and now you are falling for a woman. A pattern is emerging.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also consider that you may not be cut out for marriage. You don't have a great track record. You married a woman and presumably divorced her. Married and man and now you are falling for a woman. A pattern is emerging.


My wife passed away. We didn’t divorce.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EB123 said:


> Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.


that is an important point. Your husband knows you are bisexual.

did you ever discuss with him exactly how your marriage sex life was going to go? Like did you ever mention that you might from time to time find a lesbian partner? And how did he react to that, or was there an agreement that you would be monogamous from the start of your marriage to him?

so the biggest impedement to discussing this with your husband, that you are bisexual, he already knows. So why exactly are you NOT discussing this with him?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

This attraction is NOT stronger than you are.

It's called lust. 

You didn't answer Conan's question. Do you have kids?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

sideways said:


> This attraction is NOT stronger than you are.
> 
> It's called lust.
> 
> You didn't answer Conan's question. Do you have kids?


No kids


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

EB123 said:


> Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.


Well then I just think you need to realize that you are in full control of yourself and exercise your self-discipline and put an end to it with her. Anything else is just going to make a big mess. We all get attraction to other people sometimes but that certainly doesn't mean we have to act on it. You just make yourself stop dwelling on it and change your focus.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Talker67 said:


> that is an important point. Your husband knows you are bisexual.
> 
> did you ever discuss with him exactly how your marriage sex life was going to go? Like did you ever mention that you might from time to time find a lesbian partner? And how did he react to that, or was there an agreement that you would be monogamous from the start of your marriage to him?
> 
> so the biggest impedement to discussing this with your husband, that you are bisexual, he already knows. So why exactly are you NOT discussing this with him?


We agreed to be monogamous. 

Good point. I should discuss this with him.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Listen, I don't say this to be mean or judgmental, but you obviously don't know who you are. It would behoove you to get into counseling to figure it out. Don't make your life even more complicated by acting on this attraction. Get into counseling. You owe it to yourself!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@EB123 

I just sent you a private message. Please respond to it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Are you attracted to your husband? 
As in sexual attraction and desire, not he’s nice, stable, fun to be around and not a slob.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.


@ConanHub I assume you _weren't_ attracted to another dude.

I had a similar experience with a co-worker. The attraction was 100% mutual. I could have nailed her, _wanted_ to nail her, but didn't.

It was hard (in more ways than one), but that's what vows are all about.

@EB123 please accept my condolences for your loss.

This is an interesting dynamic.

I would be interested in hearing some input from @maquiscat.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> Are you attracted to your husband?
> As in sexual attraction and desire, not he’s nice, stable, fun to be around and not a slob.


Yes, I’m attracted to my husband sexually.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

EB123 said:


> Yes, I’m attracted to my husband sexually.


Then I think you’ve already received all the advice you need here. 
If you’re attracted to your husband and intend to honor your marriage, then you need to cut contact with this other woman. 
You don’t get to be friends, you don’t get to keep her in your life because that will create unnecessary temptation and problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EB123 said:


> For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
> I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.


How long has your 'infatuation' with this person been going on? How long ago did you tell that peson that you are attracted to them?

It's no unusual for a person to develop an attraction to someone they see often such as a coworker. We really don't have much control over who we are attracted to. But we have 100% control over how we act on it. 

Your best bet is to end all no-work interactions with this person. Since you have already told the person of your feelings you should probably tell them that you don't want this to do further with them and that your friendship with them is over.

Does your husband know that you are attracted to this person?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you want to stay married then make sure you stay away from this lady. No coffees together, no cosy chats, no drinks after work. I have no idea why you told her of your attraction, that was very unwise.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

EleGirl said:


> How long has your 'infatuation' with this person been going on? How long ago did you tell that peson that you are attracted to them?
> 
> It's no unusual for a person to develop an attraction to someone they see often such as a coworker. We really don't have much control over who we are attracted to. But we have 100% control over how we act on it.
> 
> ...


It started around the middle of October. I told her in December that it was difficult to be around her, working closely with her because I’m attracted to her. Admitting that she feels the same didn’t help me at all. 

I don’t think he knows I’m attracted to her.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> If you want to stay married then make sure you stay away from this lady. No coffees together, no cosy chats, no drinks after work. I have no idea why you told her of your attraction, that was very unwise.


Yeah you’re right it wasn’t my finest moment. Not wise at all.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> Then I think you’ve already received all the advice you need here.
> If you’re attracted to your husband and intend to honor your marriage, then you need to cut contact with this other woman.
> You don’t get to be friends, you don’t get to keep her in your life because that will create unnecessary temptation and problems.


You’re right. I’ve got to cut contact.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub I assume you _weren't_ attracted to another dude.
> 
> I had a similar experience with a co-worker. The attraction was 100% mutual. I could have nailed her, _wanted_ to nail her, but didn't.
> 
> ...


Thank you Norman.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

The attraction is there not because you want it there, as many attractions in a sense of recognizing beauty (physical, spiritual) is natural ... it is there and questionable because you have a feeling of wanting to pursue it.

That is the desire that will cause undue suffering in your marriage.

So, this feeling of pursuit is what you need to understand so you can put it in its proper place... our thoughts will often come and go but it is a mistake to invite the harmful ones in for tea.

What is it about this perceived intimacy that creates such a path for loving yourself less?

Some will say to think about your marriage, and that is valid, but there is truth in loving yourself more that will give you better clarity as to why you would want to hurt yourself first by such actions as disregarding the promises made. Your husband will suffer the waves from the action, but the action itself is yours to own.

You know it is unhealthy... if you do not find the why now, this lesson will be repeated.

Honestly... life is trying to teach you something.

Listen.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> The attraction is there not because you want it there, as many attractions in a sense of recognizing beauty (physical, spiritual) is natural ... it is there and questionable because you have a feeling of wanting to pursue it.
> 
> That is the desire that will cause undue suffering in your marriage.
> 
> ...


Wisdom is often overlooked when many fingers point in another way. I would just like to raise my hand and point back at this post and ad that feelings leading you to what you know is darkness are feelings best ignored. Feelings are fleeting, love as a verb, not a feeling is what built everything we have inherited, worth having.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My take on this is pretty simple. There has been a lot of focus on the fact that you are bisexual. In my mind this has absolutely nothing to do with the equation. The attraction to someone is still attraction no matter the sex. The solution is the same in either case. Don’t act upon it ! I understand your plight. We have female friend of my wife that we have known since teenage years. We both are high drive and very well matched sexuality.... the attraction is there but we would never act upon it. I’m The Godfather of her child and I have removed her and moved her from 2 failed relationships so the protection dynamics are there as well. All this being said I honor my wife by choice and commitment. You can do the same.
There is a biased dynamic when it comes to bisexual women and cheating. As a man I get it. It’s sexy ...... but it is still cheating. Some couples work that into there marriage in ways that work for them but that is a real slippery slope and I doubt the success rate is very good.

I really sorry about your previous partner. That must have been very difficult. I lost my dad 4 days ago and while it isn’t the same it is a view in your window.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> I lost my dad 4 days ago


Sorry to hear that


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I have been in this situation but I was in your husband's place. First thing you need to do is tell your husband. If you feel that this attraction is stronger then you are then it is only a matter of time before something does happen. He has a right to now so he can make a decision as to what is best for him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub I assume you _weren't_ attracted to another dude.


Vows are vows and you are faithful or not. 

I'm not really concerned about the rigging.😉


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub I assume you _weren't_ attracted to another dude.
> 
> I had a similar experience with a co-worker. The attraction was 100% mutual. I could have nailed her, _wanted_ to nail her, but didn't.
> 
> ...


a LOT of us have had that temptation, and never bitten the apple.
it really can be tough, but you can soldier thru.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> I have been in this situation but I was in your husband's place. First thing you need to do is tell your husband. If you feel that this attraction is stronger then you are then it is only a matter of time before something does happen. He has a right to now so he can make a decision as to what is best for him.


Or he might be able to help out!
lets say you are attracted by her at work one day, you text your husband and say "i am leaving work early, i need you home RIGHT NOW!", and fulfill your sexual lust with him instead!

someone did say that the fact this is lesbian attraction has nothing to do with it. i somewhat disagree, men often look at their wives being sexually attracted to another woman as less threatening, some even find it sexy. that is why i suggest you discuss it with him. he might, for instance, give you a hall pass, say once a month, to be with her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> Or he might be able to help out!
> lets say you are attracted by her at work one day, you text your husband and say "i am leaving work early, i need you home RIGHT NOW!", and fulfill your sexual lust with him instead!
> 
> someone did say that the fact this is lesbian attraction has nothing to do with it. i somewhat disagree, men often look at their wives being sexually attracted to another woman as less threatening, some even find it sexy. that is why i suggest you discuss it with him. he might, for instance, give you a hall pass, say once a month, to be with her.


I hope he is a better man than that.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> Or he might be able to help out!...he might, for instance, give you a hall pass, say once a month, to be with her.


There is a third option, that might very well work. That is why I'm hoping @maquiscat will pop by.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> Or he might be able to help out!
> lets say you are attracted by her at work one day, you text your husband and say "i am leaving work early, i need you home RIGHT NOW!", and fulfill your sexual lust with him instead!
> 
> someone did say that the fact this is lesbian attraction has nothing to do with it. i somewhat disagree, men often look at their wives being sexually attracted to another woman as less threatening, some even find it sexy. that is why i suggest you discuss it with him. he might, for instance, give you a hall pass, say once a month, to be with her.


Help out with what? Helping his wife cheat? SMH


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I hope he is a better man than that.


sexual norms are a good deal looser, and gender roles relaxed, today. we are looking at this with baby boomer eyes.....so we need to temper our responses somewhat


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Help out with what? Helping his wife cheat? SMH


they are adults.
IF they discuss it, i am sure they can find a path forward.
there are dangers in going that way. but if proper boundaries are set up and adherred to....let them figure it out.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> they are adults.
> IF they discuss it, i am sure they can find a path forward.
> there are dangers in going that way. but if proper boundaries are set up and adherred to....let them figure it out.


Yeah, and you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Yeah, and you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.


i still say to let them hammer out the solution.
She has NOT cheated yet.
He knows she was a bisexual when they married.
In this thread alone, a lot of the pitfalls to allowing her a hall pass were discussed.

what more can we say, let the two of them decide


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It was wrong for you to acknowledge your attraction to your co-worker with her. You should have kept your mouth shut. Now that it's out there, it's more real. 

At this point it is a matter of self-control. You need better self-talk for the rest of the school year. You remind yourself that you love your husband & that you promised him fidelity. You remind yourself that she is completely off limits. Then you do everything in your power to avoid this OW as much as possible. No matter what you NEVER be alone with her, especially involving alcohol. You do not text her. You do not befriend her on social media. You go out of your way to avoid her at all costs. 

As soon as the school year is over, you make plans to change jobs. 

If you are unwilling to do all of the above, kiss your marriage good bye.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> I lost my dad 4 days ago and while it isn’t the same it is a view in your window.


This is terrible...I'm so sorry!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Attracted.
Then told the person you were attracted to her.
Then you dwelled on it and have mulled it over and over and over in your mind when she said she was attracted to you.

Every second spent daydreaming and wishing for this other woman will damage your emotions for your husband.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> I really sorry about your previous partner. That must have been very difficult. I lost my dad 4 days ago and while it isn’t the same it is a view in your window.


I’m sorry you lost your dad. And I appreciate you replying on here. Especially with it being a difficult time for you. You’ll be in my prayers. 

My wife committed suicide, this July will be two years ago. We were together for 23 years. That’s a long time to spend with someone and then wake up one morning and they are gone. 

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t know about that. It does get easier with each passing day, at least in my case. I’ve just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. One day at a time.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EB123 said:


> I’m sorry you lost your dad. And I appreciate you replying on here. Especially with it being a difficult time for you. You’ll be in my prayers.
> 
> My wife committed suicide, this July will be two years ago. We were together for 23 years. That’s a long time to spend with someone and then wake up one morning and they are gone.
> 
> They say time heals all wounds. I don’t know about that. It does get easier with each passing day, at least in my case. I’ve just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. One day at a time.


Sorry but this is a very strange dynamic, to be with a woman for over two decades and then marry a man less than two years after she passed away?

Maybe you haven't been making rational decisions and this attraction is just the latest example?

Have you had any therapy or counseling?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

EB123 said:


> My wife passed away. We didn’t divorce.


My apologies and I'm sorry for your loss.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry but this is a very strange dynamic, to be with a woman for over two decades and then marry a man less than two years after she passed away?
> 
> Maybe you haven't been making rational decisions and this attraction is just the latest example?
> 
> Have you had any therapy or counseling?


I feel like I’ve made rational decisions ConanHub. I certainly have had some very trying years here lately, but I do feel my decisions have been good ones. And yes I have been to counseling after my wife passed.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

EB123 said:


> I feel like I’ve made rational decisions ConanHub. I certainly have had some very trying years here lately, but I do feel my decisions have been good ones. And yes I have been to counseling after my wife passed.


How long have you been married to your husband?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Guys I’ve decided I’m going to go no contact and cut this friendship off. Most all of you suggested that and I agree it’s best. Thanks for the advice.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

EB123 said:


> Guys I’ve decided I’m going to go no contact and cut this friendship off. Most all of you suggested that and I agree it’s best. Thanks for the advice.


Wise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Noman said:


> There is a third option, that might very well work. That is why I'm hoping @maquiscat will pop by.


Why do we need someone to help her to cheat? Wow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> they are adults.
> IF they discuss it, i am sure they can find a path forward.
> there are dangers in going that way. but if proper boundaries are set up and adherred to....let them figure it out.


For most opening the door to adultery isn't an option thankfully.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry but this is a very strange dynamic, to be with a woman for over two decades and then marry a man less than two years after she passed away?
> 
> Maybe you haven't been making rational decisions and this attraction is just the latest example?
> 
> Have you had any therapy or counseling?


Lots of people jump quickly into dating again and a new marriage after being widowed. I dont get it at all myself but it happens quite often. I know a few people who married the year after their spouse died.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Lots of people jump quickly into dating again and a new marriage after being widowed. I dont get it at all myself but it happens quite often. I know a few people who married the year after their spouse died.


Loneliness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Lots of people jump quickly into dating again and a new marriage after being widowed. I dont get it at all myself but it happens quite often. I know a few people who married the year after their spouse died.


I was mostly referring to the switch in gender for a partner.

It is an odd dynamic but OP has been in professional care so that puts my concern to rest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EB123 said:


> Loneliness.


Yes, but not a good reason to jump into dating again while still grieving.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I was mostly referring to the switch in gender for a partner.
> 
> It is an odd dynamic but OP has been in professional care so that puts my concern to rest.


Yes that as well but I guess if you are bisexual it's no different than getting married again to someone of the same sex.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Jumping into dating again doesn't seem so bad. Switching genders AND jumping into marriage so quickly seems ill-advised. 

However, to her credit, the OP has decided to cut contact with this work crush & focus on her marriage so I wish her well with that. She identified the problem, stumbled, reached out for help & is now making the right choice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> sexual norms are a good deal looser, and gender roles relaxed, today. we are looking at this with baby boomer eyes.....so we need to temper our responses somewhat


Sorry to burst your bubble, but mother nature doesn't give a flying hoop, about who, where, when, sexual/social norms are relaxed. Mother nature only cares about about the continuation of the species by natural selection.

Most humans would default to what as a species is the most genetically advantageous for the continuation. It's supposed to be within yourself to naturally, instinctively discriminate and reject that that it's not advantageous.

While in most cultures that instinct is still there, in some of the western cultures that instinct is somewhat waning to the point that we not longer recognize what's advantageous as a specie, but what's is no longer cool in order to appease every new social skewed mores being introduced as part of social equality that is cool, because we are giving them their freedom to allow for example two individuals with down's syndrome to marry and procreate, introducing as time goes by more and more undesirable genetic material into the genetic pool.

We a lot times knowingly mate and procreate with individuals that obviously from the get go have mental illness; continuing with the transfer of those undesirable genes.

It's beyond me why a straight person knowingly marries a person that is homosexual or whatever sexual they might be, when your average outcome is normally that the non straight person eventually, some day will leave the straight sucker for someone of their own gender, not to mention that if there are children involved the effect on those children with the destruction of their family, plus once again the perpetuation of passing non desirable genes.

If you were to go to one of those indigenous, so called "primitive" tribes that still exist, and you see what they do with those individuals that for example have mental illness. You don't see them mating with them, what you most likely will see is that individuals relegated as someone touched by the spirits, and is non touchable. Try to do that in western societies. These "primitive" people don't need a PhD to instinctively know not to mate with someone that does not comfort to what's advantageous to pass on to the potential progeny

Little by little our mighty western world is becoming one of all kind of degenerations being accepted and embraced as cool and normal. We will see in the end where that will lead us as a species.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

EB123 said:


> I’m sorry you lost your dad. And I appreciate you replying on here. Especially with it being a difficult time for you. You’ll be in my prayers.
> 
> My wife committed suicide, this July will be two years ago. We were together for 23 years. That’s a long time to spend with someone and then wake up one morning and they are gone.
> 
> They say time heals all wounds. I don’t know about that. It does get easier with each passing day, at least in my case. I’ve just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. One day at a time.


Thank you so much. Your situation sounds difficult to say the least. Just keep in mind that attraction is normal no matter your orientation. You have to deal with responsibility as best you can. There is another poster in this thread who has been in your husband’s shoes. He said he would have preferred his wife tell him. I believe if you get to the breaking point that you should have a talk with him. I don’t think it will be required though as I’m sure you will do the right thing. 

🤞


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Sorry to burst your bubble, but mother nature doesn't give a flying hoop, about who, where, when, sexual/social norms are relaxed. Mother nature only cares about about the continuation of the species by natural selection.
> 
> Most humans would default to what as a species is the most genetically advantageous for the continuation. It's supposed to be within yourself to naturally, instinctively discriminate and reject that that it's not advantageous.
> 
> ...


MOST people with Down’s syndrome are sterile. Just sayin…. But I get what you mean…


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So where does it end? 

Think about it. How many other people along your journey are you going to be attracted to. Are you going to act on it every time and let the desires of your flesh and emotions control you?

This is what separates humans from animals. 

You also know right from wrong, and if you don't you've got a bigger problem here than being attracted to this woman.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

EB123 said:


> We agreed to be monogamous.
> 
> Good point. I should discuss this with him.


Then you must either abide by your agreement or do the honorable thing and let him know you may not be able to maintain your agreement, but you should also tell him why.so as not to harm him further than what this will already cause.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> MOST people with Down’s syndrome are sterile. Just sayin…. But I get what you mean…
> 
> And that's the crux of my point "MOST", but not all. A percentage of females with Trisomy 21 are fertile, while invariably "almost" all males are infertile, but I gave the example as an extreme to make the point of what's at stake when we choose to ignore mother nature, as we seem to mostly do nowadays.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

EB123 said:


> Loneliness.


So not because you had a burning desire to share your life with him because he is so awesome?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Livvie said:


> So not because you had a burning desire to share your life with him because he is so awesome?


Livvie,
I was answering someone on why many people jump into dating soon after losing a spouse. They want companionship. They want to love again and be loved. They want normalcy when their world has been turned upside down. 

I had several reasons to begin dating 6 months after my wife passed away, and yes, loneliness was one of them, but not the only reason. I married him because I love him, if that’s what you’re trying to ask in your post.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@EB123 , do you love your husband above all else? Before my wife (common law wife for the purists) had an EA, I would have stepped in front of a bus for her, now, not so much. You are already in an EA. Your relationship with your husband is already a lesser connection.

Why not let the man go and find someone willing to step in front of that bus for him? My wife says she will do that now for me and if I had reason to doubt her, I would have been gone already. It's not as healthy as it could have been, where each of us were willing to do so for the other, but her choices determined my disposition.

All you have left to look forward to is this damaged relationship with him and he has all the right in the world to walk because of you "feelings" for another.

Thus, would you step in front of a bus for him? If not, let him find someone who would and for which he would as well.

That part of my relationship with my wife is gone, perhaps forever, perhaps for years, but it's done because of her EA. If she had done less than give me all her devices, all her passwords and offered anything to verify her veracity including polygraph tests and no more (in my case) male friends at all, I would have walked. If we didn't have kids I would have walked regardless. This being said, after I took control my wife said that she knew she was about to loose me and that she realized, too late what I am and for that man she is now willing to step in front of a bus for.

So, would you step in front of a bus for him? If not, don't bother. Stop wasting space in his life and make a hole for someone who deserves his love.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> @EB123 , do you love your husband above all else? Before my wife (common law wife for the purists) had an EA, I would have stepped in front of a bus for her, now, not so much.
> 
> I’m not sure I know what to say to this one. Okay so am I understanding this correctly, your wife is willing to step in front of a bus for you, as you say, has done everything to make it right with you, but you’re not willing to step in front of a bus for her now after her EA and after she complied with all your requests and got back in your “good graces” so to speak?
> 
> Why are you with her then? Isn’t your relationship one-sided? I mean no disrespect in asking, but you brought it up and now I’m curious.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

And to answer your questions, yes I would step in front of a bus for him.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@EB123 , yes, the relationship is one sided, after betrayal I am not able to give her my best. That's the price of betrayal and by telling your EA AP about your feelings for her, you sacrificed your claim to a healthy relationship with your husband. I hope I can one day get to a place with my wife that the feelings would be reciprocal and equal again, but I owe her nothing after the betrayal. Just as your husband owes you nothing after yours.


----------



## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> @EB123 , yes, the relationship is one sided, after betrayal I am not able to give her my best. That's the price of betrayal and by telling your EA AP about your feelings for her, you sacrificed your claim to a healthy relationship with your husband. I hope I can one day get to a place with my wife that the feelings would be reciprocal and equal again, but I owe her nothing after the betrayal. Just as your husband owes you nothing after yours.


This is sad.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

EB123 said:


> And to answer your questions, yes I would step in front of a bus for him.


I can't make sense of throwing the person you'd step in front of a bus for under the bus for another. My mind is too limited for this and the sudden turnaround too. The reason I can't fully give my heart back to my wife is the same. How can a person flip-flop like that? It does my head in.

I just can't get myself to a level of trust with people who have their heart cast in Jello where mine casts it's affections in concrete. Shattered concrete at the moment, but concrete none the less.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

EB123 said:


> This is sad.


It is, isn't it, but it is a result of her choices, not mine. Just as what you are facing is a result of your choices, not your husband's. (Do I need an apostrophe there? I'm Afrikaans, sorry.)


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Is your husband in the dark about this dark attraction?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Is your husband in the dark about this dark attraction?


I haven’t told him.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

EB123 said:


> I haven’t told him.


The poor disrespected ingnoramous fool. He doesn't deserve to know his wife is not his, now does he? He's such a low life he should forever be in the dark that his wife would rather have another woman than himself.

Sh#t why give this man an opportunity to decide if he'd rather be with a woman who loves him or a woman who tells other women how great they are? He's only a man right? He deserves no dignity, no agency.

Lets keep him in the dark and his wallet on tap. It's best for everybody now isn't it. A poor hard working shlob doesn't need to know his wife is salivating for the office hottie, now should he? That's just going to complicate matters.

Yeah, let's keep the poor pathetic creature in the dark. Why does a husband need dignity in any case?
rather validate it with strangers. Cut the BS and feel all better!

There, there now, feeling better?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The poor disrespected ingnoramous fool. He doesn't deserve to know his wife is not his, now does he? He's such a low life he should forever be in the dark that his wife would rather have another woman than himself.
> 
> Sh#t why give this man an opportunity to decide if he'd rather be with a woman who loves him or a woman who tells other women how great they are? He's only a man right? He deserves no dignity, no agency.
> 
> ...


Point taken Dictum.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

EB123 said:


> Point taken Dictum.


Words are garbage action speaks. What are you willing to do about it?


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Words are garbage action speaks. What are you willing to do about it?


Dictum,
I addressed what I was going to do in a previous post.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

EB123 said:


> Dictum,
> I addressed what I was going to do in a previous post.


Cut contact. I saw that; but you will still be around her and your husband will still be in the dark.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I get it, what he doesn't know will not hurt him, right? Except that's never true. You have already transferred affection away from him. It has already hurt.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> It's supposed to be within yourself to naturally, instinctively discriminate and reject that that it's not advantageous.


No

Supposed by whom or by what?

What is natural to you is unnatural to others - that is how humans are. There is no known mechanism for us to "naturally, instinctively discriminate and reject that that it's_(sic)_ not advantageous." How do you think that could happen?

As you say evolution is about the continuation of the species - but evolution is not aiming at anything, it is merely a process in which many different variations occur naturally; some aid reproduction, some don't and most have no immediate effect. Those that aid tend to become common - but common is not universal - otherwise the variations gained by sexual reproduction would cease and our ability to respond to changing environments might be (fatally) limited.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

cp3o said:


> No
> 
> Supposed by whom or by what?
> 
> ...


Common is not common, it is strong. If it were not for "common" you would have not been born, so common actually is respectable.

The "common" are not about to walk silently into this dark night!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, are you bi or lesbian with bi tendencies? You were Afterall, married first to a woman.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As an adult you have to learn to check your emotions at times. OP you say you will put a stop to the interactions with your attraction and that's the smartest thing to do.

Aside from being a married woman you are also a teacher so you have carerre concerns as well. Can you imagine what would happen if a married teacher was discovered to be having a lesbian affair with another staff member? Political correctness aside good chance they would run both of you out of the district.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

cp3o said:


> No
> 
> Supposed by whom or by what?
> 
> ...


No. You are wrong. There are forces within any species that gear towards that that ensures the most successful outcome, whether consciously or directed. 

So that we don't go to far, take humans males for example; on a primeval basis, without specific cultural bias, most of them around the world would prefer and be attracted to the almost hour glass figure of females in order to mate and procreate, now take that female figure and let's say for example that for some biological reason, females with that shape can't after a while procreate, the pressure on males would be to switch to let's say for example to a pear shape female that is fertile every time. Here natural selection is taking place,and in humans is not only instinctive, but also a choice. 

What you are referring to is the random environmental factors that affects most species that can't adapt to the changing factors, like an specialized species, such as pandas. Each species, and sub-species, would only eat a specific type of bamboo. This type of bamboo dies, the panda goes with it too.
We humans have passed that threshold, but the problem with it is that although not longer subjected to random environmental factors (to a point), we still are subjected to many other factors, such as ignoring genetic factors that even a "primitive" aboriginal can tell you that is a no no, such as continuous inbreeding, generation after generation. 
Well, I could go on, but just have to go watch a movie, after that charred octopus and scallops and a bottle of wine. But we can continue tomorrow as to why genetic pressures in humans are being taking into consideration or not by western cultures.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EB123 said:


> For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
> I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.


You most certainly tell your husband. This is an issue and you need to be honest to him about it, even if you are planning to go full radio silence with your co-worker. After you tell him, it is up to you and him as to what happens after that. If your husband is alright with you having a relationship with another woman, but maybe not another man, then work from there. If he wants to be full monogamous, then you have to make your decisions from there. Only you can decide whether you are monogamous or polyamourous. After that you then have to decide what you are willing to do without. This also goes for your husband. If you determine that you are poly but you can live without having other relationships, then power to you. If he decides that he is monogamous but is alright with you being poly (yes such relationships exist), again power to him. Bottom line is that you two have options, and you both have to determine what is best for your marriage, and whether or not it remains a marriage. He might decide that even the potential now for another attraction to be formed will be too much for him. Hopefully not, but it would be a valid decision for him. Communication is key.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Vows are vows and you are faithful or not.
> 
> I'm not really concerned about the rigging.😉


@ConanHub Well _I _sure as hell am! I don't swing that way. I agree about the vows of course.



Diana7 said:


> Why do we need someone to help her to cheat? Wow.


@Diana7 there are many paths in life. Open your mind a little.




EB123 said:


> Point taken Dictum.


@EB123 I would ignore this guy. He's just enjoying beating up on you.

I do think you should tell your husband, though. I don't like being played the fool, I don't think many men do. It doesn't sound like anything really serious has happened to this point, and I think being honest with your husband will make you both feel better: get it off your chest and boost his confidence in you and your marriage.



maquiscat said:


> You most certainly tell your husband......Communication is key.


Ah, the master finally shows up. @EB123 Grok @maquiscat , he walks a different path, but is well worth listening to.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub Well _I _sure as hell am! I don't swing that way. I agree about the vows of course.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's actually much more prudent to ignore someone who plays fast and loos with morals as it suits them. I won't point fingers, just quoting.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Thanks for the advice.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub Well _I _sure as hell am! I don't swing that way. I agree about the vows of course.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's actually much more prudent to ignore someone who plays fast and loos with morals as it suits them. I won't point fingers, just quoting.


@Dictum Veritas whaaaatever, crazy.

I just don't think you're Dictuming very much of the Veritas.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

EB123 said:


> Yeah Norman, I could see that guy has got some issues and is taking them out on me. I’m not replying to him anymore, it’s getting a little creepy tbh.
> 
> And you’re right, I am going to talk to my husband. Thanks for the advice.


@EB123 , agreed!

You seem like a very nice person, I wish you the best!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have chosen to speak with your husband which tells me you have high concern for the situation. I think you are doing the right thing. Just remember that you are about to let the genie out the bottle so choose your words carefully.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cooper said:


> you are also a teacher so you have carerre concerns as well. Can you imagine what would happen* if a married teacher was discovered to be having a lesbian affair *with another staff member? Political correctness aside good chance they would run both of you out of the district.


in today's society????

Probably nothing at all.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Actually, In most school systems, there are two quick ways to get fired: romance and finance.
Dating coworkers is a horrible, horrible idea at a school. Everyone knows both parties pretty closely, and if they break up, causes strain in the work atmosphere, and if they are caught romancing by the kids or other adults, it messes up the work atmosphere too.

Best not to have romance with coworkers period, but especially not in a school. And it’s a den of gossip anyway. Doesn’t need stoking.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Common is not common, it is strong. If it were not for "common" you would have not been born, so common actually is respectable.
> 
> The "common" are not about to walk silently into this dark night!


Is this a persecution complex I see before me?

*Common* - Prevalent, the most widespread or typical etc. etc..


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> There are forces within any species that gear towards that that ensures the most successful outcome, whether consciously or directed.


Nonsense - there is no way that the members of a species can consciously know what would be the most successful way to achieve an outcome.

If by "direction" you mean our evolved DNA - yup - We are DNA factories. Elephants make more elephant DNA, oaks produce more oak DNA, gnats make more gnat DNA and humans make more human DNA. 

If you mean something other than DNA - what?




> So that we don't go to far, take humans males for example; on a primeval basis, without specific cultural bias, most of them around the world would prefer and be attracted to the almost hour glass figure of females in order to mate and procreate, now take that female figure and let's say for example that for some biological reason, females with that shape can't after a while procreate, the pressure on males would be to switch to let's say for example to a pear shape female that is fertile every time. Here natural selection is taking place,and in humans is not only instinctive, but also a choice.


No - 
1- You assume that men only want to mate with women who are going to produce their children - even though they cannot tell whether a women can have children. That is contrary to human behaviour.
2 - You misunderstand "natural" selection - under your scenario natural selection would result in a mainly pear-shaped population of women and men's preferences would become irrelevant.

[/QUOTE]
I hope you enjoyed your film - I suggest next time you have a couple of spare hours you read up on natural selection


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

cp3o said:


> Nonsense - there is no way that the members of a species can consciously know what would be the most successful way to achieve an outcome.
> 
> If by "direction" you mean our evolved DNA - yup - We are DNA factories. Elephants make more elephant DNA, oaks produce more oak DNA, gnats make more gnat DNA and humans make more human DNA.
> 
> ...


I hope you enjoyed your film - I suggest next time you have a couple of spare hours you read up on natural selection
[/QUOTE]

So we don't have to thread Jack, I will just tell you that no, I don't need to read on natural selection. As a trained scientist in the biological sciences, I have studied all about it.

Since this is not the forum for such a topic, I would welcome you to open such topic on the appropriate forum (social forum)? Where scientific postulates can be debated. I would joint you there. Peace.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Update: 

I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there. 

And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EB123 said:


> Update:
> 
> I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.
> 
> And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.


I don't care if you had a full out affair. No one deserves to be hit. And to be hit for only being attracted and mentioning it to the coworker, but not even taking it to an EA, is way beyond the pale. This had better be a one time thing, because if hitting outside a negotiated scene is a regular thing then you need to leave him!


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

His response is an over reaction on every level. You did not cheat. You did what a great spouse should do. You should report him to the police, especially if this is not the 1st time he has hit you. If it is the 1st time and you don't want to report him, make sure he knows that if it ever happens again he will be reported. Is he always this volatile? If so he should seek IC for his anger issues. Give him time, but do not allow him to emotionally or physically abuse you. He is so far over the line. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see that the vast majority of BS do react this poorly when they find an actual affair.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

QuietGuy said:


> His response is an over reaction on every level. You did not cheat. You did what a great spouse should do. You should report him to the police, especially if this is not the 1st time he has hit you. If it is the 1st time and you don't want to report him, make sure he knows that if it ever happens again he will be reported. Is he always this volatile? If so he should seek IC for his anger issues. Give him time, but do not allow him to emotionally or physically abuse you. He is so far over the line. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see that the vast majority of BS do react this poorly when they find an actual affair.


This is a first time. He can have anger issues. Which is why I was on the fence about telling him, but I know I did the right thing in telling him. 
He’s a former cop, retired from the force and is now the county coroner. Makes reporting him and anything being done not so easy in a small town.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

EB123 said:


> This is a first time. He can have anger issues. Which is why I was on the fence about telling him, but I know I did the right thing in telling him.
> He’s a former cop, retired from the force and is now the county coroner. Makes reporting him and anything being done not so easy in a small town.


Hey, good cops don't like bad cops, so report his abuse and take your chances. But it's vital you make a written report that they can't ignore. You can't just tell them but refuse to fill out a report or let them talk you out of it. And you should take a photo immediately of the red mark a hit will leave. Nothing much will happen the first incident, but it might just stop him from ever doing it again. Because once you let that happen, there is more to come once they know you don't do anything about it.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

EB123 said:


> For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
> I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.


So it sounds like you are on the verge of going for it. You are willing to throw away your marriage, career, respect, and possibly her job all for a coworker who you are physically attracted to???

Physical attraction is just a fraction of being successful in a relationship.


----------



## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So it sounds like you are on the verge of going for it. You are willing to throw away your marriage, career, respect, and possibly her job all for a coworker who you are physically attracted to???
> 
> Physical attraction is just a fraction of being successful in a relationship.


I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Based on his reaction the mistrust seed has been planted in his mind. It's going to be difficult for him to rationalize that he has nothing to worry about from now on.
Sorry to be pessimistic, but this might be the beginning of the end as far as he's concerned in the long run.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Noman said:


> @ConanHub Well _I _sure as hell am! I don't swing that way. I agree about the vows of course.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes there are many paths in life. In this case cheating or not cheating.


----------



## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

Rob_1 said:


> Well, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Based on his reaction the mistrust seed has been planted in his mind. It's going to be difficult for him to rationalize that he has nothing to worry about from now on.
> Sorry to be pessimistic, but this might be the beginning of the end as far as he's concerned in the long run.


Yep, the cat is out of the bag Rob_1. And I don’t have any more secrets, just a bruised face.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Hitting is totally not ok. Ever. I think you should file a report, though it’s true other police may not be helpful, and document any visible injuries, as @DownByTheRiver said. If you feel at all in danger, move yourself to a shelter for abused women. Consult a lawyer. Doesn’t sound like he is interested in fixing this, so start planning your escape.

If he comes around, and you actually want to keep your marriage, make it clear that there is a zero tolerance policy for hitting. He needs therapy and anger management and if he ever lays a hand on you again, that is the end. Physical abuse escalates, you could wind up dead. Please take this seriously. Be safe!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

EB123 said:


> Yep, the cat is out of the bag Rob_1. And I don’t have any more secrets, just a bruised face.


If you let him get away with hitting you this time, he might feel entitled next time he's angry to do it again. You cannot let this pass. Is up to you to let it pass this time (which I don't advice),but if he ever tries again, then you know it really is the end.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

EB123 said:


> Update:
> 
> I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.
> 
> And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.


Please do not let him get away with that. No one should stand for being a victim of domestic violence, even a cheater.


----------



## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

To OP, don’t tell your husband unless you plan on leaving him.

Do you love him or still be attracted to him? That’s two total different things.

if you want to stay with your husband, then cut all ties with the other one. No 1 to 1 meeting or communication, state to him 100% clear the feeling is not going anywhere, you love husband, and stop it right here right now. Then plan some weekend trips with your husband, do something new, something exciting. Working on the marriage instead of Thinking about the other one.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DLC said:


> To OP, don’t tell your husband unless you plan on leaving him.
> 
> Do you love him or still be attracted to him? That’s two total different things.
> 
> if you want to stay with your husband, then cut all ties with the other one. No 1 to 1 meeting or communication, state to him 100% clear the feeling is not going anywhere, you love husband, and stop it right here right now. Then plan some weekend trips with your husband, do something new, something exciting. Working on the marriage instead of Thinking about the other one.


LOL, behind a little? She cut ties, told him and got hit for it.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

If you have a bruised face see a doctor, get pictures and file a report. Do it right away. Don't assume the local police will cover it up. There are lots of options outside your town. You know it and they know it. If things go well you do not need to pursue it down the road, but you need solid documentation just in case. He was a police officer so he knows how serious his actions were. If he was not profusely apologizing and asking for forgiveness within a couple of hours, you have a huge potential problem. If this is his reaction to something so small, what would he do if he suspected something bigger in the future.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

@EB123 I am SO sorry to hear about this. I can just imagine what he used to do to suspects.

I completely understand your reluctance to report this because I'm guessing he would be arrested. I know where I live it's a done deal, you hit your spouse and the police are called, you get arrested. My wife's female cousin got arrested for hitting her husband.

I would guess the same would be true if you told your doctor, they are probably required to report it to the police.

At least take some pictures & put them in a safe place. Hmmm, maybe fill out an affidavit and get it notarized?

Please be safe!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So he hit you in a one-off event when he was told his wife was attracted to another person, told the person…….. 
My thoughts are that a slap is one thing, a punch is another. 
I am kind of surprised that she was honest and told her husband and told him she had cut all contact and he reacted by hitting her. I’d have thought he’d be hurt deeply and in shock, but wouldn’t have reacted with violence. But everyone is different. 
It’s up to OP if she feels this is something to go to the police for, or if she feels her husband wouldn’t do that again. I personally think going to the police over a one-off event in a high stress situation and she doesn’t feel in danger, is the thing to do. But if she plans on divorcing him I suppose it would. If she goes to the police and files domestic abuse charges, she is likely to get papers filed on her. I would.
There is no way I’d hit a woman, but getting told you’ve been cheated on is a rough emotional ride. There’s no telling how someone will react. A person may not even know how they’ll react

OP, what are your plans from here? What has been your husband’s demeanor since the incident? 

I think you did right telling him OP. Very sorry you got hit over it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he hit you in a one-off event when he was told his wife was attracted to another person, told the person……..
> My thoughts are that a slap is one thing, a punch is another.
> I am kind of surprised that she was honest and told her husband and told him she had cut all contact and he reacted by hitting her. I’d have thought he’d be hurt deeply and in shock, but wouldn’t have reacted with violence. But everyone is different.
> It’s up to OP if she feels this is something to go to the police for, or if she feels her husband wouldn’t do that again. I personally think going to the police over a one-off event in a high stress situation and she doesn’t feel in danger, is the thing to do. But if she plans on divorcing him I suppose it would. If she goes to the police and files domestic abuse charges, she is likely to get papers filed on her. I would.
> ...


Sorry but even if you have been told your spouse cheated ( which she hasn't)you don't use violence.

Op do you have marks or bruises? If so take photos.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Sorry but even if you have been told your spouse cheated ( which she hasn't)you don't use violence.
> 
> Op do you have marks or bruises? If so take photos.


I thought it was clear that I agree…….


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I thought it was clear that I agree…….


You seemed to be semi excusing it and implying that a slap wasnt as bad as a hit.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

your hubby's not much of a man imho OP. Retired cop eh? Wonder how many skeletons in his closet? I'm willing to bet you're not the first one he's struck.


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

has the other woman discussed an attraction to you? She may not share the interest you have in her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> has the other woman discussed an attraction to you? She may not share the interest you have in her.



This is in her OP:



EB123 said:


> haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.





EB123 said:


> Admitting that she feels the same didn’t help me at all.


So, there's your answer. The other teacher may also be a lesbian or into women too.


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## Longtime Hubby (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> This is in her OP:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks. how’d I miss that?! Explains much.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> This is in her OP:
> 
> So, there's your answer. The other teacher may also be a lesbian or into women too.


OP sounds too much like a guy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Zombie thread. Where is that darn cat!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Unfortunately as usual, the domestic violence on her has continued, as she says in a later thread that he's brutalizing her during sex. She already thinks it's because of her confession. Except it's really not. It's because he enjoys it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unfortunately as usual, the domestic violence on her has continued, as she says in a later thread that he's brutalizing her during sex. She already thinks it's because of her confession. Except it's really not. It's because he enjoys it.


Brutalizing?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Brutalizing?


Yes, in a previous post she said: "folding me up like a lawn chair and pounding away", among other things. She has told him she doesn't like it and he stops. Then drifts right back into it. He has also physically struck her. The guys sound like a real POS.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EB123 said:


> Lately, my husband is all about rough sex. I don't mind roughness from time to time, but folding me up like a lawn chair and pounding away is not very romantic. We’ve talked about it. He tries to change it up he says. I’ve given my feelings on this matter. He will make adjustments and be less dominant, but then within a little while it’s like he’s bored and his dominant side shines through and we’re back to rough sex again. Any suggestions?


This is the entire original post on it.

I wouldn’t call it “brutalizing” but it is more often then EB wants.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

This thread is several months old. I don’t teach with this coworker any longer and I had already cut off all contacts with her. The rough sex thread is a completely separate post. 
Having said that, I am currently separated from my husband and have filed for a divorce.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Glad you are moving forward in a healthy way. Good luck with the divorce.


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