# What to do next - dating an old crush while being separated



## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back. 

A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple. 

We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right. 

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that she was pretty clear that she does not want to get involved until you are divorced. She might be ok with it if you have filed for divorce. Has she said anything like that?

She might be avoiding you because she likes you enough to be breaking some of her own boundaries. She obviously does not want to date a married man and she does not want any men at her house when her daughter is there. But her daughter was there and she let you come over. She was obviously not comfortable with it but wanted to see you.

So file for divorce. Start moving on with your life. That way seeing your does not cause Ann to break her boundaries.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I think I would take a step back, date a few other women...a lot of other women. You need to have lots of different experiences so you can learn to recognize healthy interactions. Not saying she's not healthy, but there are a few things in your post that would give me pause before pursuing anything further with her.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm in agreement. The fact that you are not divorced is the problem. I'm sure she would never want to feel like the reason you didn't work things out. If you think you really like this lady then you should finalize your divorce and date some. Most people need a year minimum to work on themselves. If you can't recognize your shortcomings in your marriage then you aren't ready to think about another relationship


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds like she really likes you, so go ahead and back off for now and let her lead. Get your divorce filed.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

I completely understand that she doesn't want to carry things further until I'm officially divorced because I feel exactly the same way. I just want to hang out like we have and just enjoy each other's company for now. At the same time, I'm worried that I may run the risk of pushing things too fast or scaring her off.

Aunt Ava, thanks for your reply. What things, specifically, are causing you to pause?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Things that give me pause...



cainsim74 said:


> To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well. You were both single, and both had crushes on the other? Nothing developed, hhmm.
> 
> A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to a 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture- and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child support. Why isnt he paying support? Great that he is so involved with his daughter, what's his relationship with Ann like?
> 
> ...


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

AuntAva - thanks for the detailed response and I appreciate you taking so much time and thought into your replies.

I need to back up and explain that we've been friends for 9 years and I developed a crush on her right about a year after I met her. I even went over to her house one night to tell her but she had a friend over at her house and I aborted the mission and, as fate would have it, I started dating my wife a few weeks later. I didn't realize she had a crush on me at the time. That's basically why things didn't happen before.

The situation with the real dad is weird. On one hand, he adores his daughter and spends a great deal of time with her. On the other hand he won't spend a dime to help out which puts her in a very difficult situation. She's had no relationship to the dad since before her daughter was born beyond co-parenting and they were never married.

I really do feel like I'm getting mixed messages. On one hand, I get that things can't go any further than they have but have to say, I really haven't pushed this thing until the last week. Before that, I was only following her lead and was taken aback when she was talking about going on trips together, saying it would be her best b-day present if I went to the concert, bringing up the fact that her best friend say that we should get together, ect.

I am really trying to back off until she contacts me. I don't understand why this seemed to crash so hard I said I missed her that day even though she was saying she had the same feelings.

One thing I don't want is to give her the impression that I'm saying "screw you, you didn't let me sleep over at your house" by not contacting her. I'm worried that, if she gets that impression, she will really decide to not have anything to do with me.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I am not confused at all as I have been in a similar situation I think she really likes you and when you are around its easy to bust the boundaries but when you aren't she probably feels guilty. This would also explain why she is not responding and not wanting to hang out. She doesn't want to be tempted to do something she will regret. Since you are not helping keep things within the boundaries she is really morally ok with, it's all on her shoulders so avoidance is the easiest path. It's what I'd do. Just my 2 cents


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

cainsim74 said:


> To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms.


If it truly is over, and you really care about this new woman, you will be doing three people a favor - you, the new woman, and your wife - if you went out today and filed for divorce. Oddly, all your problems in the post go away if you do that.

What's holding you back?

Is there any chance you still have some tiny bit of hope for you and your wife and she's the backup plan?


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

happysnappy - how did you deal with your situation? Did you just stop contacting her all together? I'm worried about taking that approach and appearing stand offish.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

Acorn - My wife is working hard at getting the divorce papers drawn up and we're trying to get this done as fast as possible. No- I don't see my wife and I ever working things out at this point so there's no backup plan at all.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

cainsim74 said:


> Acorn - My wife is working hard at getting the divorce papers drawn up and we're trying to get this done as fast as possible. No- I don't see my wife and I ever working things out at this point so there's no backup plan at all.


OK, well, that's good.

I think you should 100% focus on the divorce, even if that means taking the lead on getting these papers done yourself.

My advice with regard to the new woman would be to be receptive to any communication she sends you, but don't initiate any of your own until you have officially filed.

Also, I am with Aunt Ava in that I think the new woman has some things she will need to work out herself...they are just not known to you yet. The "time out" might help you to see them!


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I cut all contact. I think you could talk to her and tell her you understand why she's uncomfortable and respect that and as soon as your divorce is final you will let her know. If she is still interested then great!


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

The situation i was in was not a divorce issue but other personal things that I thought he needed to handle before I would be ok dating him. It never happened and over time we have become just friends. I was clear about my intentions and he hasn't ever pushed it again. If he did i would disappear again.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

I still don't get it in many ways. Really, if you look at it, she's the one who's initiated 90% of everything. She's the one who first asked me out, started talking about going on trips together, got in touch w/ me when I came back from vacation, asked me multiple times about my "situation", talked about being compatible, called me back to her house to spend the night, said me showing up to the concert as her best b-day gift, texted me back after spending the night with her and said she had a good time hanging out with me for 2 days, and then texted me this ""You make me smile. I am into you, for sure". Let's look at what I did, I texted her and said I kinda missed her over the weekend and assumed I could spend the night. I feel like texting her that I was missing her was the ultimate crime right now and the whole thing's good as dead and everyone's telling me to back off.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Maybe she thought she was ok with it and freaked out?


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

It sounds like it to me. I've had this happen to me so many times is ridiculous. It seems like the key is to act uninterested, treat them as if you could care less and then they'll never get you out of their mind.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Until such time that the ink is fastly dried upon the divorce decree, I would greatly recommend a "no dating status." You owe that out of respect to your marriage and those vows which you made for it!


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I would just back off and consider it a done issue. If she wants to pursue something after the divorce is official then let her. But you won't get anywhere by being eager with her at this point.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't agree with no dating if you are 100% sure it's over. 
She sounds confused. She probably feels like she wants to have sex and date but it's against her morals. She doesn't trust herself with you alone. And she probably has a friend talking in her ear saying "you're just a rebound, what if he takes his wife back? What if you are what keeps them apart?"
She's totally into you but she doesn't like the situation morally. Just let it go for now. 
There's not much else you can do. 
I know it feels amazing to connect with someone after the pain of your marriage ending. But I had to start my new relationship with my now husband with legal divorce crap and fights with his ex. Just take care of the divorce first. 
Trust me there will be a time when the D takes over your whole life. You need to deal with it and mourn your marriage and then if shes still around, maybe it will happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

diwali123 - I think you're 100% right and, as painful as it is right now, I have to retreat and not contact her unless she contacts me and just try to get this divorce finalized sooner than later.

As much as I feel a bit led on, I have to show her a lot of respect for going with her morals (which makes me like her that much more-Aaaaaghh), she's said over and over she doesn't want to be "that woman" and I wouldn't want her to be "that woman" either.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

So basically, it looks like asking to stay the night was the deal killer. I finally got a text from her 4 days later saying "
I'm sorry, things are weird now. I should have never let you come over when **** is home. It's my #1 of being a mom. Never, ever will a guy be at our home when she is home. This is her safe place, and that means no over night guests unless I have prepared her for it. That situation made me realize that I need to take things waaaaaay slow. And maybe I'm still not ready to let another person into our lives".

I apologized and said totally understood told her I was going to ask her if I should leave her alone. and that I felt like I crossed the line. She said we would call me on Wednesday night and said "We are cool, I promise. Lets just chill for a minute and kind of start over" 

She never called and by midnight, I just said I was going to make myself scarce. All she said in the morning was "I was already asleep". 

So with that, it's a big F*** the whole thing she won't hear from me again. I can't see for the life of me why people like dating. It's never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like $#%^.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

So more developments on that. I finally got a reply from her and I feel like a complete *** and I'm still completely confused. She replied with a long text saying she had a completely horrible week and he hasn't even spoken to anyone for at least a week. Her daughter got very sick and this time of year is the anniversary of her step dad's death 2 years ago. She's still grieving deeply over his death as she and him were very close and she considered him to be his real father. I seem to remember in the last 2 years, she has had similar periods of seclusion and I should have taken this into account. She told me she wasn't in a good space to have our talk and to not take things so personally. I completely apologized again saying that I got consumed with the idea I ****** her off and that I was trying to get relief from the guilt and that I would back off and whatever happens, I still wanted to always be friends like we have been. She said thank you, promised we were cool and said she would call me soon to go out for a beer but couldn't put a time frame on it. That was exactly a week ago and there hasn't been any contact at all. The good thing is that I haven't felt the urge to call her. 

On one hand I do feel like I can't be too hard on myself for being a bit neurotic about this as it was only 4 days before when she said she "was into me for sure", said the ONLY thing that was keeping us together was the fact that we were married, and that "we'd have been f***ing all over this damn house by now" and then total communication breakdown. On the other hand I'm pretty disgusted at myself for badgering her and my lack of "cool". My paranoid side is throwing out all sorts of scenarios from here on out - "She saw something in me that she didn't like and got second thoughts", "she's using this as an excuse to blow me off", "I won't hear from her again, and the next time I see her she will be indifferent and avoid me", "she likes some other guy"... My rational side is saying "keep waiting this out, keep work on yourself and prepare yourself for the worst". I really want to have a chance to ask her best friend what I should think, expect, do but I don't know if that would be wise either. 

This is just agonizing and frustrating - I have a hard time believing she would give me this many signs and then retract all that just as quickly and pretend we didn't share anything.


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