# DDay was yesterday- advice for the cheater?



## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts). 

I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.

Our kids are too young to understand what is going on. They think Daddy is being mean to Mommy, and I sobbed to them today that it's Mommy's fault that Daddy left and Mommy hurt him really bad but he loves them both more than anything in the world. I'm not sure if they didn't understand because I was crying so hard, or if they truly are just too young to grasp it. He is gone for days at a time for work quite often so it isn't new to them to be alone with Mommy for a while. I just want them to understand that I did this, and that Daddy isn't the bad guy just because he is angry at me.

He's embarrassed of the people I've told. I felt the need to expose my wrongdoing to save him from blame, but as a result, I've made a fool of him should he decide to take me back. "What kind of pu**y would take his wife back after she's been f****** 3 different men?" He said. So now he doesn't want to face any of those people because he will feel like the town idiot. I told my parents because they've dealt with my father's infidelity for years and my bad decisions are going to affect them too; I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again. (I don't have siblings)

I left a broken up message for his Mother to apologize to her for disgracing her son and her family. She called me back and I'm supposed to go see her tomorrow. She only knows about the one. I asked my H if she knew everything and he said that if he had any chance of forgiving me he would have to lie to himself and everyone else for the rest of his life that it was just one man and not three. Should I call him again and ask if I'm supposed to lie to her to save him further embarrassment? I don't know what to do....

Meanwhile, he is continuing to stare at these messages and make them relationships in his mind, and actual sexual intercourse, among God knows what else. He is misconstruing some of the messages because he isn't saving the whole conversation and it seems like I was emotionally involved and screwing 3 guys rather than sending dirty pics and messages that in my mind were more along the lines of fantasy/porn/role playing... without my H's consent of course, and NO I am NOT saying it was OK, I am a cheater and I know everything I did was wrong. It's just that he's killing himself making it this bigger more devastating thing and I can't ask him to stop... I have no place. He's doing exactly what I did to justify what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. I made our marital issues and arguments all his fault and bigger in my mind than they actually were and used this sexting as an outlet to escape and seek attention and affirmations. If you've ever sexted someone as a means of cheating... it doesn't just start out of nowhere- it's a conversation, a how are you, how are things going in your marriage- that question is where all the trouble begins. BTW, You should NEVER tell someone of the opposite sex how things are in your marriage unless they are truly EFFING FANTASTIC and that is your final answer.... 
I never wanted a physical relationship with anyone, I just wanted to be heard, and attention and to feel wanted and needed so at the time, I had a "mad at my husband box" in my mind that I compartmentalized every bad thing and used it as means for needing an outlet. The outlet began (with 2 of the 3 OM) with that darn question- How are things in your marriage?
Anyhow I tried to explain to H that I've needed help for years, before I even met him, and have been bottling so much and have made poor decisions over the past year with these 3, and as a result that have ruined both of our lives.

I have my very first IC appointment on Monday- he won't go. Entirely up to him.

In the meantime, how do I get him to stop obsessing over the messages and practically trying to memorize them? He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years. I know it can't be healthy but I have no room to tell him he should do or not do anything. I don't can't bear to see (or know now that he's gone) that he is torturing himself intentionally. TIA...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He said he was just making sure he really knew the person he's been married to for 5 years.


That's wise of him. Quite obviously he had a mental picture of you. That mental image is now dead and he will replace it with another. Very likely one that is much closer to reality than the other one.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So...kinda hard to follow. 

But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
Then he finds out it was 3? 

Or you told him it was 3 guys?

And I assume it was all an EA with all 3 of them? Just with the usual sexting and passionate stuff that these things tend to develop? 

Well, this is not good. 
Because he is disconnecting. 
When the BH stays in the house, and is upset, or showing any emotion at all, you have a chance. 
When they leave the house, that is a bad sign. That tends to mean divorce. 

Honestly, all you can do, is wait. 
Wait for him to come home. 
Apologize to him everyday. And be ready to hear every insult and a few new ones from him. 
Don't bad mouth him to anyone. 
Take responsibility. 
And try to be as loving as you can. 
And if he comes home, follow him around like a puppy dog. 

But honestly, until he comes home and we get a better picture of his mental state, we can't really be sure what to tell you other than the usual advice we give. 

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work?
How did you meet this OM?
Because you need to start transparency. 
That means:
giving him all your passwords to everything if he doesn't have them already, and telling him everywhere you go. 

If you work and you met the OM at work, you need to quit your job. 

You need to show him that you are willing to cut out anything that he doesn't like to get him back.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You can't get him to do anything. He is in the process of absorbing everything to decipher if you are telling the truth about Non-PA. The only thing you can do is get the therapy you need and allow him the time and space to grieve, make his own decisions and maybe seek his own counseling, until he is ready to deal with it with you and your therapist. Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you are living in a small town, the more people who know or think they know what has been going on, the tougher it will be for him to not think everybody knew but him. 
What you have done is submarine your marriage and it will be up to you to convince him of the limits your actions went. (if you can)


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Juicer said:


> So...kinda hard to follow.
> 
> But you TT him to believe it was only 1 guy?
> Then he finds out it was 3?
> ...



I've told him about all three. So today was another DDay essentially. I gave him all passwords yesterday and have no contact with any of the three. Total transparency, yes. 

I do work FT, but I don't have any issues with my work environment. Unless there is a happy hour- a work related happy hour has never been an issue, but I've quit drinking as of yesterday so that's the only change that will be required for my work.

Two of the OM I knew from my past, one I considered a friend. Until I told him yesterday that we were no longer friends and that my marriage is the most important thing in my world, even though I've known that OM longer than my H. Third OM was a 2 week sexting "fling" with a complete stranger I met from another country. NC with him either. 

I followed him around like a puppy while he was in the house today but he can't look at me. I disgust him. His words.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Since it offends him, don't tell his mom anything more. Just stick with what was already said.


But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> But I should ask him first right? What if he decides to tell her more, when she calls to check on him, and then I lie to her tomorrow thinking I'm saving him from embarrassment. I don't want to lie any more!! But the LAST thing I want is to continue to humiliate him.


Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Tell her "You're going to have to ask H for that. I promised I wouldn't say anything more. And until he says it's okay that's all I'm going to say. "


But then that will let her know there IS more and will prompt her to ask him for the rest of it, forcing him to admit to her that there were 3 and not one, which is exactly what he said today that he didn't want, if he wished to try to move forward. Which is what I'm hoping for...


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

I'll have to call him to ask... I just want to do whatever he wants me to do and honor him instead of continuing to humiliate him.

My oldest child (4) just told my mother that Daddy was really mean to Mommy today and that he made her cry and broke her bracelet. I tried telling her that it was OK and just because Daddy was mad doesn't mean he was being bad. I guess I can just tell them that Daddy is on vacation this weekend... I'm taking them to see him tomorrow.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First let me tell you that I had EA/sexting affair myself so I know where you are. 

Here are the answers in a greatly condensed format.

1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.

2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.

3. Be stable. Be there for him as he wails through the roller coaster of emotions that you have set him on. I know this is hard, I know you're struggling to but you have to do this. You have to give him what he needs to recover from the wound you inflicted, part of that is giving him a place to vet his feelings and emotions. The more you can do that and keep your emotions in check and simply say you're sorry and reassure him the better.

4. Do whatever he ask and give him whatever he needs unconditionally and gladly. No matter how many times he ask the same question be glad to answer it and for God's sake make sure the answer is always the same (presumably because it's the truth!!). This is the only way the BS can begin to believe they have the truth.

5. Own your sh!t!! Stand up and be held accountable. Accept and pay the prices of your actions willingly. Don't shirk or hide from the nasty parts of what you did, you did it, own it. Don't equivocate. 

6. Do not communicate, contact, facebook stalk or in any other way have anything to do with any of the OM for the rest of your life. To you they never existed. 


To successfully do all of the above you have to genuinely be remorseful, you can't fake it. Remorse is the corner stone of reconciliation. He's on a roller coaster, just stay the course and give him some time to come to terms with what you've dropped on him. He may want to reconcile, he may not - you don't get to decide that - but the more of the above you do the better the odds are that when he gets over the shock he'll at least consider it.

Good Luck.

Sig.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I would highly advise against telling any more lies, regardless of the motives.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You lied on here too in your older post, right ? You lied about not lying too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You have a chance of fixing this thing. All is not lost..But you come across as a flake..he cannot trust you until there is a long term commitment from you. do you realize that?


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> 1. Be totally honest - totally - this is zero fail - no secrets. If you have to go to the bathroom he knows about it.
> 
> 2. Be totally transparent. The obvious is passwords and what not. The less obvious to be transparent personally. Your thoughts, mind, feelings and emotions are an open book to him. Tell him how and what you're feeling. Answer his questions openly.
> 
> ...


Thank you Sig. I am totally on board with all of that. Doing it now, willingly. That's part of why I felt I needed to tell my parents and apologize to his mother. I own it. I did this. Regardless of any shortcomings that may have initiated my downfall- HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. I made this mess.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You lied on here too in your older post, right ? You lied about not lying too.


I didn't lie on here in my older post. I was explaining what was happening in my life at that present time. If I hadn't even told my H at that time the entire truth, why on earth would I be compelled to tell complete strangers?? After I had told him, and everything was out in the open, I followed up to my original post.

I apologize if I seem like "a flake" to you. This is all EXTREMELY difficult to express and I'm typing as things are happening and progressing. I am going to a therapist (a profession I've always felt wasn't actually helpful) for my first time in 30 years to finally get the help that I needed 7 years ago. I don't talk about my feelings or problems. This is very new to me, and I'm trying to deal with it with a safe behavior.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> I'm sorry, I will try to be to the point. I posted my story yesterday (I sexted). Since then, he's restored my phone and saved tons of deleted messages and keeps looking at them (including pics of the OM body parts).
> 
> I trickled all the truth today. Laid it all out there. 3 men. No physical relationships (I kissed one in a moment of total drunkenness but failed to end the "friendship" until yesterday), but to him, it may as well have been all physical due to the nature of the pictures and conversation, and I totally understand that. He is completely raw and embarassed. I've made a fool of him. He was willing to try after he learned of the one OM. But when I came out with everything today, he left.
> 
> ...


I don't mean to be confrontational, but you will feel much better after you really come clean and tell your husband the truth - that you have been having sex with these guys. He has seen the messages with his own eyes. He knows what he is reading. This story is no more believable than the one you told yesterday.

Here's the thing. Guys post on this forum all the time about, "do you think my wife is cheating on me" and they practically caught their wife in bed with another guy - and they still don't believe it. The natural reaction of betrayed husbands is to wishfully think that their wife is NOT having an affair, no matter how bad the messages they uncover are.

So you sexted these guys continually for how long? Months? Years? You've known one longer than you knew your husband? And you've met up with these guys in person? And never had sex with any of them? Even though, your husband is reading the messages between you and them and he is CONVINCED that the messages say you DID have sex with them?

And you pulled the "only kissed" and "just one time" lines on your husband? Those lines are classics around here. Let's just say that a cheating wife confessing to "just kissing" and "only one time" has proven to be false about 100% of the time.

Now, about the two best friends. You meant to say that you told them you got caught, right? Because you don't expect us to believe that they did not know about your cheating on your husband, do you? They were your partners in crime. You had to tell them that you got caught. Heck, your husband is still searching though the messages. What if he finds your friends' affairs somewhere in those messages? You had to warn your friends that their gigs may be up, too.

Can you see how your story is not believable? Theoretically true, but not believable.

Are you still willing to take the polygraph? You said you were willing yesterday, but if you did, you would have failed the question about more than one affair partner. So are you ready for the polygraph now?

Here is my advice to you: Call off all appointments and stop all outside conversations with friends and family until you tell your husband the truth. Don't see his mom. Don't tell any more people about this. Stop trying to dissuade your husband from looking at your messages. He is going to look through those messages, he is going to talk to other people, and he is going to find out the truth, anyway. Just give it to him straight now and save him the pain of having to piece it together from old deleted messages and embarrassingly ask other people to confirm what he's found.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I apologize if I seem like "a flake" to you. This is all EXTREMELY difficult to express and I'm typing as things are happening and progressing. I am going to a therapist (a profession I've always felt wasn't actually helpful) for my first time in 30 years to finally get the help that I needed 7 years ago. I don't talk about my feelings or problems. This is very new to me, and I'm trying to deal with it with a safe behavior.


You need not apologize to me about anything..You owe nothing to me..All I meant was that you need to show some consistency..Your husband needs to trust you..He needs to have some confidence in you to try to reconcile with you. So stay strong


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

This is what you posted yesterday - that he read your texts sent to friends talking about your excitement over other man:

_*He has read texts that I've sent to friends talking about OM from the beginning when I was acting like a wh*** and excited to get attention. So now he thinks I had feelings or a relationship with him, and thinks that I am trying to water it down.​*_
This is what you posted today:

*I was trying to be open and honest. I've told my 2 best friends what I've done... he doesn't want to face them ever again.​*
Are you going to tell us that you told some friends about your sexting affair with OM#3, but did not tell your best friends?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

For some reason I really don't blame you. With todays technology, and social networking, it is just too easy to get involved as you did. You made some serious mistakes in judgement, because you allowed yourself to get caught up in it...

Now that you know your weekness you csn avoid these things in the future

I think you have made a good start, and I feel your next move should be to offer to take a pollygraph....Just the offer may be enough to satisfy your H that it was not a PA.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I don't mean to be confrontational, but you will feel much better after you really come clean and tell your husband the truth - that you have been having sex with these guys. He has seen the messages with his own eyes. He knows what he is reading. This story is no more believable than the one you told yesterday.
> 
> Here's the thing. Guys post on this forum all the time about, "do you think my wife is cheating on me" and they practically caught their wife in bed with another guy - and they still don't believe it. The natural reaction of betrayed husbands is to wishfully think that their wife is NOT having an affair, no matter how bad the messages they uncover are.
> 
> ...


I thought I was clear, but I swear on my children I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE!!!! It was not physical!! I will GLADLY take a polygraph. Yesterday when I said I would, I was referring to the topic at hand. The one guy. However, EVERYTHING is on the table now. There's nothing to hide- I'm not concerned that he will recover anything else. I'm concerned that he will dwell on what he does recover and it will be a cloud of constant torment.

One OM I have not seen in at least 6 years. The OM I called my friend, surprised me at a girls birthday celebration. He and another mutual friend of our group showed up to a bar after the girls took me to dinner. It was unexpected, I was already drunk from dinner, and drank a ton more, shots, etc. and I kissed him. Once I snapped out of it, I literally got my purse and grabbed a cab that was sitting outside the bar. I have not seen him since (5 months). Before that, I saw him maybe once a year. I don't live near these people, so there's no running into them.

My two best friends did not know what I was doing. They would have been ashamed. As they are now. There is no gig to be up for them. They were just as surprised as my husband. One lives 6 states away from me and the other lives 2 hours. I don't talk to them or see them every day. Like I said, I don't talk about my problems... I talk about work, television, my kids.

I already "gave it to him straight". I'm not telling him to stop doing anything, I'm just concerned for his already broken heart that the constant staring at another man's privates isn't going to help him in any way.

Wow... now I see why the therapist said to stay off these boards.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> now I see why the therapist said to stay off these boards.


Yeah, he needs for you to go to some more of those se$$ions.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> This is what you posted yesterday - that he read your texts sent to friends talking about your excitement over other man:
> 
> _*He has read texts that I've sent to friends talking about OM from the beginning when I was acting like a wh*** and excited to get attention. So now he thinks I had feelings or a relationship with him, and thinks that I am trying to water it down.​*_
> This is what you posted today:
> ...


Ah, yes now I see where the confusion is. Entirely different friends. I told two people that are not classified to me as "best friends" about OM #3, yes. My "best friends" have not known about any OM... at all. These are not people I confide my darkest secrets to. This is too dark. My other two friends that I decided to share the OM story with, have a history of failed relationships and cheating has been involved. It felt safe to talk to them as opposed my "best friends". So sorry. This is hard without names I guess... I should have been more clear.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Yeah, he needs for you to go to some more of those se$$ions.


Yes, precisely why I've never been to one... All for the $$$, dragging out your problems into a never ending cycle of talking and is anything ever accomplished??? My usual take on it... but I've not been, so I am hopeful and open-minded now that it will be different.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> I thought I was clear, but I swear on my children I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE!!!! It was not physical!! I will GLADLY take a polygraph. Yesterday when I said I would, I was referring to the topic at hand. The one guy. However, EVERYTHING is on the table now. There's nothing to hide- I'm not concerned that he will recover anything else. I'm concerned that he will dwell on what he does recover and it will be a cloud of constant torment.
> 
> One OM I have not seen in at least 6 years. The OM I called my friend, surprised me at a girls birthday celebration. He and another mutual friend of our group showed up to a bar after the girls took me to dinner. It was unexpected, I was already drunk from dinner, and drank a ton more, shots, etc. and I kissed him. Once I snapped out of it, I literally got my purse and grabbed a cab that was sitting outside the bar. I have not seen him since (5 months). Before that, I saw him maybe once a year. I don't live near these people, so there's no running into them.
> 
> ...


Now you're going to give us the "swear on the lives of your kids" line, too? Another classic around here.

If it is all as innocent as you say, why does your husband believe you had sex with these men after he read your messages to and from them?

You don't have to convince me of anything, but I don't have to believe what I think looks like a lie, either. You have to convince him, but he is NOT going to believe what HE thinks looks like a lie. And he is the one actually READING your messages witht the other men.

Maybe you should schedule a polygraph, have them ask you the questions about "is three the correct number?" and "did you have sex with anyone beside your husband while married?" and give your husband the results. Maybe it will help him believe you. I am being serious about this. I think it's a much better idea than getting a therapist to try to convince him he is wrong about what he is reading.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Relax SK and take in what everyone tells you. There is some good in all of it. I came here and posted as a cheater myself so I know how it feels. Consider it all, take what is helpful or constructive and dismiss the rest. Never forget this is the Internet, where everyone regardless of intent or qualification has an equal voice. 

As far as your H goes there is nothing you can do other than be supportive, this journey is his and watching him take it is part of the price you have to pay. All you can do is accept that it is his to take and accept whatever consequences come of it. You can't take this away from him, minimize it for him, or do it for him - all you can do is tell the truth, support him, say you're sorry, and hope he finds his way to want to reconcile. 

That's all you can do I'm afraid. 

Please stay on the board. There are a lot of people who want to help even us cheaters.


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Now you're going to give us the "swear on the lives of your kids" line, too? Another classic around here.
> 
> If it is all as innocent as you say, why does your husband believe you had sex with these men after he read your messages to and from them?
> 
> ...


How/ where do you schedule one?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Yeah, he needs for you to go to some more of those se$$ions.


Right over her head.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Assuming there was nothing physical, you've nonetheless humiliated, emasculated and betrayed your husband. There is another thread here right now somewhere about the trauma experienced by someone who's been cheated on. You've traumatized your H. He thought you were one type of person & suddenly you're simply not. Instead, you're someone that he can't understand or respect.

This is definitely traumatic for him. You shouldn't be telling anyone without his say-so. He needs to process this and decide how he wants to proceed.

If you read more in this forum, you'll see many, many stories about affairs like yours. I still don't know WTH possesses someone to do what you did. If someone can ever explain that to my satisfaction, I'd love to hear it. For me, the closest anyone ever gets is plain selfishness.

So, get ready for the roller coaster. Your actions have blown up your world. You have to hope that your H will agree to talk to you once he's had some time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> How/ where do you schedule one?


Just google it. It's easy to find one. Apparently there is a big demand for this service.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here

Also read
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners


The Wayward basics: 
*NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty *- This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
*Communication* - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair* – This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. This is great starting place for information and advice and support. You need to become somone safe to be with even it menas protection from yourself and your weakness.
*No Destructive Behaviours* – no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Chose wisely your friendships, more, find out what real friends mean. Get rid of toxic influences.
*Stand Firm in your Commitment* – Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Sorry you find yourself in this mess. I'm not going to doubt the veracity of your story, except to say if there was more to it, and it was physical, you absolutely need to level with your H and get tested. And he needs to know, so he can get himself tested too. To not do so is risking his health.

That said, if it's sexting and EA -- just like any kind of cheating you have to be transparent and most of all, be humble. Humility, consistency, honesty, patience.

It sounds like you're in a panic, and you may want your H to comfort you, to tell you how it's all going to play out. He doesn't know and it's unfair to ask him. You're going to have to do the heavy lifting here.

It's totally his decision on R, and you're powerless. But that's how it feels (1000x more so) to the betrayed spouse. He had no choice about your actions -- none. He gets to be the chump. 

I do commend you though for taking responsibility and not blameshifting this to your H. I really do think you've got your head screwed on straight there -- I read so many times on these boards cheaters who turn it on the BS, justify, don't own it around their families, or their kids. So -- hey, that's a good start.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

what you fail to understand is that you not only trickle-truthed your husband, but you tt'd the posters who were trying to help you. now, just like your husband, nobody believes you. 

i don't believe you were gonna tell your husband about the "other 2," unless he threatened to backtrack your communications. you were forced to admit to it.

not tryin' to bash.....it's all there in b&w.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sk0625 (Nov 29, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> what you fail to understand is that you not only trickle-truthed your husband, but you tt'd the posters who were trying to help you. now, just like your husband, nobody believes you.
> 
> i don't believe you were gonna tell your husband about the "other 2," unless he threatened to backtrack your communications. you were forced to admit to it.
> 
> ...


Not bashing. You're right. I didn't want to hurt him further. I was hopeful that I could work it out in MC rather than throw it at him now. But it didn't happen that way. So I told him and may as well have shot him while I was at it. I don't deserve him. But he deserves not to be lied to. I don't deserve the beautiful kids he blessed me with. But kids need their mother. So I'm still breathing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

just put it out of your head about "ending it".....your life, i mean. 

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.....THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE!

the ball is basically in his court now. what you need to do is make it count while you're still there.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi there, I know how you feel, it's real scary. I had an EA and told hubby I wanted to date the OM and left our home for a few days..did not even want to see the OM after I left and luckily came to my senses and hubby took me back home. Like you I told my church preschool coworkers and my friends. I admitted everything and owned it all. That is very very good. It tells me you are totally serious about being done with it and being with your husband. The thing is, it is totally his choice and you need to tell him that. Tell him you know and understand why he may not want to forgive you. As others said, give him all info and all passwords and give him your phone,, computer all access to everything you do if he comes back. He will take a very very long time to get over it if he does. We are 9 mo in R and still he has days he feels so appalled that the woman he loves, trusts and counts on the most did this to him. He sometimes feels like he wants out of the marriage. Counselling will take years. It looks like you know you were wrong and that you have learned a big lesson from this. It's hell, you created it and you cannot put him back together again but never ever give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sk0625 said:


> I didn't want to hurt him further. I was hopeful that I could work it out in MC rather than throw it at him now.


You didn't want to hurt him. Good, you are not a sadistic. BUT that was not why you didn't confess. You hid it to control, manipulate him, to preserve you ass... You know, why do I know you know? --->


> But he deserves not to be lied to.


Exactly. Lies = Control


> I don't deserve the beautiful kids he blessed me with. But kids need their mother. So I'm still breathing.


Stop the pity party. Put on your big girl pants. Start respecting yourself so you can respect him and everyone else.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think you understand that the betrayal you did is what is hurting him. Whether these men actually had physical sex or not doesn't matter. You betrayed your marriage by giving and getting sexual stimulation with these 3 men.

It's not porn, since porn doesn't invoke another person, it's just a pic. What you did gave sexual pleasure to three other men.

Your molecules may not have touched, but your sexual passion did.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Assuming there was nothing physical, you've nonetheless humiliated, emasculated and betrayed your husband. There is another thread here right now somewhere about the trauma experienced by someone who's been cheated on. You've traumatized your H. He thought you were one type of person & suddenly you're simply not. Instead, you're someone that he can't understand or respect.
> 
> This is definitely traumatic for him. You shouldn't be telling anyone without his say-so. He needs to process this and decide how he wants to proceed.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OP :

I hope in IC you can determine why you are so self-destructive.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As to polygraph---your best info/advise on poly, would come from your local police station----but---poly should be at the request of your H, so leave it alone, until/unless he requests it, and let him set it up.

You are gonna get all kinds of opinions, and all kinds of people coming at you---it is all based on what they went thru, and their take on adultery----read it all, take what you want/need from it, and do what you think is best for you

If someone accuses you of something---you do not have to defend yourself to them, just read what they say, analyze what the say, and use their info, if it helps, if not discard it

The only person on this entire planet, you need to deal with is your H, and what his wants and needs are----but do remember one thing, thru all that your H, does do, and go thru, with and without you---he has NO right to abuse you.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

jnj express said:


> As to polygraph---your best info/advise on poly, would come from your local police station----but---poly should be at the request of your H, so leave it alone, until/unless he requests it, and let him set it up.


Her being pro-active and voluntarily coming forward to take the poly is going to send a clear message to the husband that she does want to reconcile and hasn't go anything to hide. it could go a long way in restoring the trust.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

she can volunteer to take it---but it is the H, who needs to ask for the poly, and set up his line of questioning----all she is doing is responding, her showing the willingness is fine, but the poly is part of the H's ballgame


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> There is another thread here right now somewhere about the trauma experienced by someone who's been cheated on. You've traumatized your H. He thought you were one type of person & suddenly you're simply not. Instead, you're someone that he can't understand or respect.


Is this what you were talking about alte Dame? The OP should read this because it is probably exactly how her husband feels right now.



Beowulf said:


> I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.
> 
> A person who has an affair does indeed have to deal with a lot of pain in the aftermath. They have to reevaluate their own identity and who they really are and their willingness to cause so much suffering to their loved ones. The statements “it’s just not in me to cheat” and “I could never do that” are in direct conflict with their actions. They have to come to the painful conclusion that they indeed are not the absolute good person they thought they were. They have to realize that there was something in them that allowed them to be selfish and cruel to the person or people they most cherished. And the scariest part is that they have to realize that since they’ve done it once they can do it again. Those self examinations are extremely difficult but necessary if the WS wants to become the person they always thought they already were and hope to actually become.
> 
> ...


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Glad you posted that, was a long time ago Beo wrote that but such a good reminder for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Glad you posted that, was a long time ago Beo wrote that but such a good reminder for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I read that I was blown away. That is exactly how I felt when I found out my ex was cheating on me. Powerful and accurate. That's why I am so in awe of WS that are able to R. There is so much to overcome but they never give up or waver.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bfree said:


> Is this what you were talking about alte Dame? The OP should read this because it is probably exactly how her husband feels right now.


Yes, I've read this post a number of times here because it's so raw and truthful. So many people say that the experience of infidelity is the worst pain of their lives, and so much of the reaction on the part of the BS that we read here seems to me to be severe PTSD.

So, OP, you can't predict exactly how your BH will eventually respond, but you should be aware of his outrage, disbelief, shock, pain, and grief.


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

I dont blame him. This is a sad situation. Do people not think about their kids?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lionsguy22 said:


> I dont blame him. This is a sad situation. Do people not think about their kids?


From what I'm seen they only think of themselves.

Never a thought of those who will be harmed, the lives disrupted.

Only what they can get for themselves.

No matter how shallow or temporary it may be.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Juicer and Sig hit it on the nose. Reread their posts. And Beo's old post still stands strong. 

SK0625, I was the victim to my WH's sexting, massage parlors, and girlfriends. His life exploded. Most people will say I'm straight up stupid, but I did not divorce him... I kicked him out of the house and cut communication with him for 2 months. I went through my own hell and back. 

This is what has helped me deal with the trauma and this is what you should do: 

1) Be transparent. As the others have said before: give him all your passwords to everything: email, phone records, bank accounts, etc. EVERYTHING. He should know every single thing you do throughout the day, every person you speak to, every text message you send. Give him free access to your phone, computer, email, etc. each time you see him. Never ever ever ever tell him a lie. At all. No matter how small. You must not lie about ANYTHING. 

2) Constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY reassure him that you are in this for the long haul, you will NEVER betray him again, NEVER lie to him about anything (even the most minute detail) ever again, and will do whatever the heck he asks you to do in an instant. If he says "change your phone number" - do it. If he says he wants to move to another state, do it. I'd even go so far as to say, if he wants you to quit your job and get a new one- do it. Reassure him that you will do ANYTHING to make it work. ANYTHING. 

3) Expose yourself. Tell your family (and his) what you did. Tell your closest friends if necessary. Own up to it. Deal with the consequences of your actions. Go through the hell. He must be able to see that you are taking responsibility for your actions without him having to ask you to do so. You have to do it on your own. 

4) Retreat from anyone whom he might possibly see as a threat. Obviously, these 3 men are gone from your life forever - they never existed. Anyone else that he might potentially see as a problem- cut them out. Now. Never look back. 

5) Go to counseling regularly. And stick with it. Like glue. Be religious about it. Go every single week and make sure he knows you're going to it every single week. He needs to see that you are trying to change yourself. 

6) Get off Facebook and every single social media website out there. For now, the only thing that matters in your life is your husband. 

7) Do the puppy dog thing - follow him around- kiss his a$$- constantly tell him you're sorry and that you love him more than life itself. MAKE IT KNOWN HOW REMORESEFUL YOU ARE. Keep in mind, he won't reciprocate. He just won't. But you have to keep at it. Tell him anyway. All day long, every day. 

8) Go through the ups and downs with him. He will have good days and bad days (as I do). He will rage on you again and again for your actions. Take it. And don't EVER attack him. You'll have to be the punching bag for awhile and you must deal with his anger, confusion, and distress. Let him feel these things- he has to. 

Everything else, he has to do on his own. You can't make him realize anything. He will have to realize it on his own. He has to go through the 5 stages of grief. I did. I'm actually still going through it now. Let it ride. But under no circumstances, can you EVER fall off the path again. If you do, then its surely over. Permanently. If you act accordingly, then there's a chance to save it. But don't push him. That's the worst thing you can do. Let him feel the grief.

As far as looking at the sext messages, after many many hours of reading them, he will stop. He will hit a wall. He will realize that no matter what else he reads, it doesn't make any difference. He will become exhausted reading them and feeling all the horrible emotions that come with reading them. Let him read, let him hit the wall on his own. 

Good luck.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

sk0625 give us an update, keep talking here. We are here to help you and you will get alot of good advice if you stick around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*Will_Kane* is pointing out very complicated/unrealistic items in your story that no doubt your husband is thinking as well.

I think you are trying to manage your lies/deceit - seems like there is more TT to yet occur. Somewhere in your mind, you are micro-managing what truths to share, how to share them, and what to avoid talking about. This is natural for someone who cheats.

Have you fallen into the logic trap of "Well if I tell that I did have a full PA, he'll leave me for sure!" Don't listen to that voice, it will steer you very very wrong. Might clinch a divorce. 

Only a few days out? Let him obsess, he needs to address and work through these issues. 

I really wish you luck, but you need to fully face & admit to your most embarrassing actions.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK now from the BS side of this. What he is doing is having mind movies of you doing all those things with these other guys. He is thinking that you have done things with these guys that you have not done with him. This will take a great deal of time for him to cope with these things.

My wife was more open with that other POS then she ever was with me. I am betting the same thing happened with you. I begged my wife for years to send me a dirty photo..... never happened but she sent naked pictures of herself and a video of herself showering.

I am only talking about this because you feel your own pain but you cannot understand the extent of his.

You also have to know that if you do R with your husband then it will be a new marraige becuase the old one is dead. You have to understand you made the choices you killed it and it will take a lot of hard work to rebuild something. 

Our Dday was 7/8 2012 and we still have a long way to go and we are still in MC

Yes while we are tough guys have very weak egos and this is the hardest thing for us to deal with. I would suggest you tell him about this site and you are on it. Good luck and I hope and pray you guys can R.


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