# I don't know what to do anymore



## desperatehousewive (Dec 16, 2011)

Dear all,

I am from the Netherlands, but because of anonymity-reasons, I decided to post on this site. There could be some spelling mistakes of course, I hope you will forgive me for that 

I have the feeling this will be a very long story, but here we go. 

When I was 19, I met my ex-boyfriend (name B). We met each other in secondary school and at that time he already had some problems with drugs. Smoking weed is legal here in the Netherlands, I still don't know why but ok  Although he smoked weed on a regular basis, we had a good relationship and were very happy together. When I was 22, we decided to move in together. 

Two years ago (when I was 24), we decided that I would stop taking the birthcontrol pills since B and I were together for 5 years and everything was going fine. However, we received around that same period the news that his mother had cancer and would die soon. A hectic period began, we took care of her for some months until she died.

After she died, something changed within B. I believe that he could not cope with the intense feeling of losing her. He began smoking weed even more and decided to start his own business to get his mind off things. In the same month he started his business, we moved to another city to be nearby his father and my parents.

That was a year ago. 

Moving to a new city and a new house can be a wonderful thing to do together, to make a fresh start. However, I never had the feeling that this was something that we did together. B was so occupied with his new business that I felt really alone. Also, around that same I had no more classes at university since I started to work on my thesis for my MSc.

For about 3 months, I spent my days alone in our new house trying to work on the thesis and looking forward to the evening when B would come home. Unfortunately, he always came home very late. Around 11 in the evening mostly. I remember feeling really lonely at that time, but I didn't want to bother B with my feelings, since his mother just died 6 months before.

So I turned to my own mother. Remember, we moved to this new city to be nearby the father of B and my parents. However, my mother didn't pay much attention to me, although she knew I felt very lonely. I had some conversations about that with her and tried to explain to her that I felt that she didn't care for me anymore.

Some weeks after that I turned out that my mother fell in love with someone else. This resulted in a very painful divorce between my parents after 37 years of marriage.

Well, this was my life 6 months ago... I felt so terrible and had no support from B or from my parents (although I don't blame either of them for that!). Then I started to play online games, for distraction. To get through the lonely days. 

While playing these games, I met another man (name G). He lives in London. I remember that we discussed the meaning of life while we only knew each other for two days. The conversations we had lasted for hours and very personal topics were being discussed. G told me about the difficulties he had to face in his life and I him mine. Because I told him about them, my difficulties suddenly became real. 

I remember a specific day 3 months ago. At that day I felt so bad I couldn't even get out of bed. I called B, who didn't pay attention to me, and that made me feel even worse. Then G called me and he made me laugh. Laughing, I didn't know I could do that! Later that night, B came home and I caught myself of wanting him to be gone so I could talk with G instead. For about 2 weeks, I would talk with G when B was asleep and I can still feel the feeling of guilt I experienced. 

Soon, G admitted to have a crush on me. He told me that he didn't believe in the concept of a relationship anymore and that I gave him hope again. I could only admit that I had a crush on G as well. Altough I didn't look for it and surely didn't want it. The contact I had with G made the state of my relationship with B crystal clear. This relationship was already dead long before I met G, but falling in love with him made me realize it. 

I ended up in a rollercoaster of mixed feelings. Why wasn't the life I led with B enough for me? Why did I had to destroy everything we worked so hard for during the last 7 years? Wouldn't there come better times for him and me? 

I called my father and discussed my doubts with him. Together, we decided that it would be best for me to take a break from B so I would be able to listen to my intuition without being influenced by his presence. My body felt relieved after he was gone, the panic attacks I used to experience when he was around suddenly disappeared.

Yes, I had terrible panic attacks around that time.

I am writing this now, on the 16th of december and it B moved out around 10 weeks ago, after a relationship of 7 years.

I will continue this post later today...


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## desperatehousewive (Dec 16, 2011)

*Part II*

So here is the second part of my story.

As I wrote in the first post, this year has been pretty bad. The death of the mother of B, the moving to a new city and house, the stuff with my parents, the bad relationship with B. Yes, it was so much that I couldn't even cope with it in a healthy way. Playing games became a distraction and I suppressed my feelings.

The contact I got with G (3 months ago) changed this. It seemed that all the feelings which had been suppressed finally were released. I felt so many emotions (anger, sadness, etc) and this resulted in having panic attacks. I went to see my doctor for this and got some medications for sleeping.

During the past 3 months, I let my feelings guide me in every decision I make. Rationality is almost never involved. So, if something feel good, I give in with that feeling and if something feels bad, I just don't do it. Having B around was too much for me, so I made the decision that he had to leave.

After he left (10 weeks ago), I immediately went to London to see G. He fell in love with me and we had a wonderful time together. After all the bad things that happened to me this past year, he was something which made me feel good, actually the only thing which made me feel good.

G is a person who has autism, the high-functioning sort of it. He is a very intelligent man but has some serious problems with communicating. Also, he suffers from a depression for the last 12 years. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. This makes him somewhat complicated to live with 

When I met G, he was on 20 mg of antidepressants. He was still on that when I met him for the first time. However, the day after our first meeting, he started to lower the dose of the antidepressants to 10 mg. I don't know if it has anything to do with the change in the medications, but he suddenly withdrawn.


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## desperatehousewive (Dec 16, 2011)

*Part III*

After G started to withdraw, I became scared of losing him. After all, this 'thing' between G and me was keeping me alive. So I said to him that he had to make a decision regarding us. I asked him to have a relationship with me. He said that he couldn't decide about that at that moment. So I suggested to just spend some time together to get to know each other.

Two weeks later, I went to see him again for a weekend. Again, we had a wonderful time. He told me that he had strong feelings for me but that the rational part of him told him that a relationship would not be wise. He said that he didn't want to commit to me because there might be a chance that a relationship wouldn't work and that would hurt him.

3 weeks ago I went to see him for the 3rd time. I stayed with him for a whole week and this time it wasn't so much fun. He keeps telling me that he wants to take it easy with me. First build a friendship together and maybe we could be together in the future. He says that he can't commit to me because he is not at all happy with himself and with his life, so having a relationship with me would take too much energy (energy which he doesn't have).

My question to you is how to deal with this man. What should I do now? I want this so desperately, and I don't know what to do. Now, he even claims that his feelings for me are not the same anymore. Could this be influenced by his depression? He went from 10mg to 5mg of antidepressants this week. 

Thank you all very much for reading, I'm looking forward to any reply.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you really want a man whose feeling for you are built on the amount of a drug in his body?

G does not want an ongoing relationship. He already told you that. He does not want the responsibility. He cannot handle it. Always believe it when a man tells you thinks like this. So you deal with him by believing him.

He liked the idea of an on-line, distant relationship with occassional visits. No commitment. That's all he can handle.

Further, there is a good chance that you are not the only woman he is doing this with. Are there times when he is busy and unable to interact with you over the internet or phone? Does he make excuses about things he has to do for a few days.

I know a guy who does this with several women at a time. He will have 5 or 6 chat windows open chatting with 5-6 women at a time. He's severly ADD/HD. So he can hadle the many chats at one time. 

He tells all the women the exact same things. Each woman thinks she's the only one. And yes they come to visit him... he carefully plans the visits so that none of them know about the other.


Try something... start a new online profile and meet him as your new profile. Talk to him at the same time as both of your profiles. See how he interacts with the fake person in your new profile... this was by the way how I figured out what this guy I know is up to. 

If you do the fake profile, pre prepared and do not blowup telling him it's you. Let him have the time to either prove he is an honest man or to prove that he is a cad.


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## desperatehousewive (Dec 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you really want a man whose feeling for you are built on the amount of a drug in his body?
> 
> G does not want an ongoing relationship. He already told you that. He does not want the responsibility. He cannot handle it. Always believe it when a man tells you thinks like this. So you deal with him by believing him.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your reply. I am pretty sure though that he is not doing this with other woman. I mean, he is autistic, he doesn't feel much need to interact or communicate with others at all. 

You told me that he liked the idea of an on-line, distant relationship with occassional visits. No commitment. That's all he can handle... Do you think that there is any chance that this will grow into something more?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

DesperateHousewife (DH) - Interesting name-handle for someone who has never married. 

Do you research on high functioning autism. You will find that they don't do well in close, interpersonal relationships. This is why they keep people at a long arm's distance. Relationships with them will be happily sporadic at best, and on the other end, sporadically horrible.

The medicine adjustment is telling to me (BTW, I'm not a real doctor, nor do I play one on TV - I have a son who is high functioning autistic). Their high intelligence is often inversely offset by their social skills. Real charmers when not in person - but not so much when in regular personal contact. 

His meds help him to be "grounded in reality", yet at the same time, also somewhat impairs his ability to "emote" (and his libido too). He maybe adjusting it down to see if he can get some of his emotability back - but it will come at a steep price when his disorders disabilities swing into fuller bloom due to the reduced meds. 

This will most likely end in heart break from you. Listen to EleGirl's advice too. It won't hurt to weed that possibility out. Many disorders (high functioning autism often co-occurs with other disorders - like ADD/ADHD, etc.) He could be a cad, and this up and personal stuff maybe crimping his style.


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