# 25 Years Together - 3 Weeks To End It



## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

Hope people here can help me out. I am not writing this as a saint but my life has crumpled very quickly. Some my fault some hers. I have had a three week roller coaster of anxiety, depression, anger, suicidal thoughts, humiliation, resentment, fear, excitement, hope, guilt, terrible mean behavior (by both of us), and hopelessness. I am a 43 year old male. Married for 13 years but together for 25. Two kids (8 and almost 3). I need non-family or friends thoughts on my marriage and the current end state it's in. It's pretty rambling but there is so much I can't help it. I am having an anxiety attack just writing this.

Our issues are sub standard and infrequent sex (to the point we have had none in 3 years), denying of any physical contact (her to me - most of the relationship), verbal abuse (me to her first due to her acute Agoraphobia issues then more to the strain of no physical contact), build up resentment of decisions made through the 25 years, my successful career and her not doing anything at all with her life that she is happy with.

Within a few years of dating I essentially became chained at the waist to her when she got Agoraphobia. It was overwhelming for a 21 year old. I had to do everything with her and for her. I would have emotional collapses when I had any time to myself. I lost most of my good friends but we loved each other. We had tons in common. I never thought of leaving her which I know may sound weird to some. The Agoraphobia eventually lead to verbal abuse from me in the form of lashing out in fights (cursing her nastily). We even had some physical confrontations here and there when she would block me from leaving the house and having a moments peace. The Agoraphobia over the years improved (thanks to the invent of the cell phone which helped me get out as long as I had it on). The long build up resentment on both ends has always remained and is brought up in nearly every fight. We fight it seems every 3-6 months. One huge monster fight where everything awful come out. Then it settles down and things appear to be back to "normal". Normal still being not good. 

Because of the Agoraphobia all the work we did was self employed. We sold antiques online, used the money to buy rental houses and I became successful at an art career (what we both went to school for). She has done nothing with her personal interests but is a great mom and takes care of the finances and house as well. We were together 24/7, 25 years so now we have pretty much exhausted anything to talk about save the kids and specific business. The last 8 years have been really bad. We snipe all the time, are bored with each others conversations, don't want to talk about anything personal. If she says it's blue I say it's red and vice versa. With the kids we are fantastic but as husband / wife awful. Sex has been infrequent, boring and workmanlike for most of the relationship. We have our orgasms but it's never really fun. The last 10 years the sex has been extremely infrequent. The last 3 years it has dropped to ZERO. On top of that (and in some ways even more important to me) she now refuses all physical contact. I have always been a hand holder, arm around the waist, kisser, etc and she has not. It was a bad match. What was infrequent with this has become completely gone now. So the now gone Agoraphobia fights have been replaced with the sex/ physical contact fight. She says she cannot have sex or touch me because I have said terrible things to her. I say terrible things to her because she kept me isolated/ mentally destroyed and denies me any human touch. Dog chasing his tail. 

Bringing it up to the last six months. We moved to a new area. From a one bedroom apartment (yes, I admit two kids in the room with us didn't help with the sex but there is downstairs when they slept and the intimacy was still fully denied). New house is huge, beautiful, kids have their own rooms, seems like a great new start. Still no sex at all, no physical contact save kiss pecks when we moved in and on her birthday. I look at online porn just to feel something. I still work in house on the art and now drive an hour away to deal with our rental properties. She takes care of our 2 year old (8 year old is in school). She decorates the house and plays around on an iPad all day. We still barely talk and had, like clockwork, our big blowout. We appear happy to everyone (family, friends and the new people in town). I should also mention I started having slight chest pains a few years ago. They have progressively gotten worse. I have a clean bill of health. It's stress and depression. I frequently think about the future and having this same old same old continue on. Freaking out about not touching a woman again, no sex, just having a good kid and money marriage. 

I start talking to the mother of one of my son's friends at the playground after school every day shorty after moving here (yes, this is going there). Nothing weird we just clicked great and enjoyed talking to each other each day. No conscious flirting. If we texted it was about kids and normal stuff. Absolutely nothing going on. My chest pains and depression get worse. In mid-January (4 1/2 months after moving to this place) she makes some off hand nasty remarks about her husband to me in relation to some thing her son is taking after him (she has three kids BTW). She then texted me later that evening apologizing for saying it and tells me she is in the middle of getting divorced which is why it blurted out. I tried to write some nice things to help her out thinking this is what people do when people mention a divorce. Again, no flirting or weird stuff. I mention the text to my friend that evening joking to him that his other newly divorced friend should move here since there seems to be a bunch of single moms. He mentions this at the dinner table that very night with his wife and my wife. My wife flips out saying that the woman was clearly flirting with me and has suspected it for some time (I'm thinking what the hell are you talking about). I explain the context of the text. Still pissed off. My friends leave. BIGGEST FIGHT EVER. I'm told I must be up to something since I didn't back her. The fight blows up into our usual issues but with a new twist and tons said by her. This time she tells me she is standing up to me for the first time (not true, been nasty for awhile in fights) and proceeds to laundry list everything awful about the 25 years with me. Very vicious stuff; my fault solely we were stuck in the one-bedroom place for so long (it was the economy), I held her back from ever doing anything (she made NO effort. I still do not know what she truly LIKES to do), hates my job and resents me because people think my job is cool and she has nothing to say when they ask what she does, hates that I have an easy time making friends with the neighbors and new people in town, I'm a lousy kisser, bad at sex, tried to abort our daughter(!) because we had yelling fights during the pregnancy and a whole crapload more. I've never said stuff like this to her in a fight. I was strictly an ******* who who spit out the C word but didn't shred her down to the bone. She accuses me of an affair, tells me to leave. I don't as I did nothing wrong and it's my house too. This fight I do NOT fight back. I'm too wounded. The next few weeks things are tense. She freaks when she hears my text, spies into my computer, keeps bringing up the woman, tosses me a few more times. I spend this time finally thinking I really cannot live another year, ten, twenty in this. My chest pains get really bad. I start to think about the woman and how, wow, maybe I really do like her. She talks to me and we get along great. I start getting a real crush on her. My wife and I continue to fight. Hey, let's make a deal to each change but we never do. I wait out some contact, months go by and I finally lose it again. I know this is the same thing. I'm done. My kids have to be better off having me not die of stress and having us be happy people not just happy parents. So we fight again about the woman and same issues again two weeks ago. She tells me to leave. I go to the school to pick up my son and I tell the woman that her text got me in serious trouble. She tells me she meant nothing by it and is sorry. I tell her it's OK because it helped me finally feel I needed to get the hell out. I then tell her I wish she had been flirting because I found her attractive. She is taken back, I apologize, go home. Next day I'm still in house, we fight one more time. I go to the school to pick up my son and the woman pulls me aside. She tells me she does like me (she claims the text was still not a flirt that she would not have done that to what she thought was a happily married man). We start talking about each of our marriages with amazing match ups in terms of the intimacy, sex and "roommate" feelings. I go home, pack some clothes and go to my sister's house. Been here two weeks now. Seeing my kids, wife and I fighting. We have both had mental breakdowns, lost tons of weight. I have been suicidal, started to see a therapist (who could not believe we last 25 years with our baggage and intimacy problems). I go from feeling great about leaving for my sanity and health to panic about my kids and ruining the "family unit". I freak about being alone for the first time ever as I will have to get my own place. I feel guilt that I imploded everything just know I would have a miserable life if I did not. Even worse, I am out of control. I started seeing the woman. Her kid is in my kid's class! She is divorcing but still married! I'm freaking still married! I never saw anything like this in myself. I NEVER cheated during that 25 years. We have not had intercourse but have given each other orgasms. It was the best, most intense moments I've ever had. Better than anything with my wife in all 25 years. We are clicking sexually, emotionally and we already know we can talk for hours from our playground time. This is a huge mess for the kids now at school. I'm humiliating my wife and her husband (though no one knows). I cannot deal with all these emotions and back and forth. I don't think we can reconcile and I feels like I don't want to. She is seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow (Valentine's Day to boot). I have to get one ASAP. Have not been able to stop talking to this new woman even though I have repeatedly tried. We text and call and have seen each other 3 times. Her husband called my wife a few times furious and called me today. He doesn't care about his wife as they are over but he's pissed at me about his kids being friends with mine. Told e to never talk to them again. I can't argue with him. I'm an outta control nut right now. 

This is where I am now. I am an awesome father. I know I will be there for them forever but still feel terrible about it. I feel terrible about my wife because her life is completely changed. I don't think she expected me to leave after 25 years. She may have felt those things she said to me but I think I turned her world upside down too fast. I feel terrible for this in marriage relationship I have started in these crazy circumstances but we are nuts for each other. I can't understand how my wife would want to continue this after the stuff she told me. I know I cannot feel close to her ever again. I am an insane mess. 

Please rip me, tell me I'm right for getting out or offer anything else to save my sanity. I literally don't know what to do anymore.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Wow.

don't beat yourself up 
take a step back and collect your thoughts.

make a list of priorties.

get your ducks in a row financialy 

go see a lawyer so your prepaired for her lawyer.

tell the pretty lady you want to back off until she and you are divorced.


be prepaired for your wife to want to get back together.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Like chiilymorn says...wow!

I'm normally VERY pro-marriage but you've been living a lonely hellish life by the sounds of things.

Get your divorce, custody, finances sorted.

Make sure your eating well, getting enough sleep (if you can)getting some exercise and some sort of stress release.

THEN you can live happily ever after... I hope you do...sounds like you deserve some happiness!

Just get things in order first.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you been prescribed anything for your anxiety?

Home and school for your kids two important areas to prioritize right now. At home, things have to be as calm and orderly as possible. This may be an area to take up in IC. How to get along with your wife through out this process to make the best outcome for the kids.

You might consider that it is time to stop giving in to impulse. You know that the massive conflicts with your wife has got to stop don't you. For the sake of your kids.

Then school. This thing with this woman is bad bad bad. This involves your kids and their world. It is important that they don't deal with the humiliation of every one at school knowing their business. 

There is no such thing as no control. You have had control for 25 yrs. Hang on for a little longer, don't shrew up in the home stretch. 

I'll tell you what I suspect about this woman. She contributed to the problems in her marriage so if she is blaming her husband then run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. 

She is using you. You are an exit strategy and maybe you'er even naive enough to get into a serious relationship with her. Security security. Zip it up and clear your head. 

Stop seeing this woman. Work on stabilizing your life and your kids lives. There'll be time to start dating. 

Don't jump into anything now. Your picker is as bad now as it was when you met your wife 25 yrs ago. You need a period of reflection and then entry into the dating scene. 

Don't marry the first woman to give you an orgasm. Orgasms from women are not so hard to come by these days so don't rush. Don't forget to ask about some meds to calm you down.


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## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Wow.
> 
> don't beat yourself up
> take a step back and collect your thoughts.
> ...


In my up moments where I felt charged by my decision I did work through how I would be dealing with my finances. I think I will be safe. I will be able to cover all my bills, still give my kid's a great life and hopefully myself. 

I have a lawyer's name I got from a relative who is also a lawyer (not a divorce lawyer). The relative said that I probably have time and can wait out the first response from her lawyer. He thinks our child and financial decisions sound fairly easy and will probably go through a mediator rather than a big lawyer battle. I believe that as well. The finances are tied to how the kids will ultimately live so I think we will be fair.

I am on my sister's couch. Two weeks in. I was thinking of going to an efficiency but I now think that would be a bad idea. Single room will feel like a prison and would be no place to take my kids to hang out with me. I think I will look for a temporary apartment so I have rooms to walk into and my 8 year old has a room to sleepover in. When I know what is happening financially and the end time is near I will look to buy a three bedroom place so both kids have a room with me.

I also have a free-lance art job which I have done nothing with he past three weeks. I have spoken to my bosses and they have been supportive but I have to get my brain working again and get back on this. It would be huge to lose this job. So that is another reason to get a place fast. I can't get set up here and work properly. I hope I can work. My thinking is overwhelming me.

I'm seen my kids almost every day. I take my 8 year old to school and have picked him up a number of times as well. I have been told by my wife I'm not allowed to leave the car when I pick him up because of the other woman. So I have done that. I'm getting a few hours in after school with them. The kids are the worst part by far. I know I will now see them by possibly 2/3rd less weekly. My son so far seems to be handling it fine. My wife's dad came up this week and is now staying there. We have not said anything negative to the kids about each other (well, I know on my end). I saw her dad today for the first time since he came up. I assumed he was going to yell at me or something but he only smiled, gave me a wave and said hello. It was really sad and upsetting. 

My wife's texts to me this past few weeks have gone from raving mad to calm. I don't know if she is just accepting all this now, is happy about it or is calming down to attempt to bring me back. No idea.


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## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Like chiilymorn says...wow!
> 
> I'm normally VERY pro-marriage but you've been living a lonely hellish life by the sounds of things.
> 
> ...


Lonely in marriage but not hellish since my kids are amazing. And I DID have good times with her. I love her family. But I just can't live as a roommate and business partner anymore. I want way more. 

I know if I went back a few things would happen: 
1. I'd have to accept her version of how things were for the 25 years which I know not to be true and refuse to do.
2. I will continue to be punished in the intimacy department. I'd say even more so but it couldn't get any lower anyway! I also know I am no longer attracted to her at all. Clearly she feels the same. Really realizing I have not been for a number of years. Any attempts at intimacy will just feel forced and fake by both of us. If there is one definite thing I'm taking away from having some time with the other woman is that my wife is not the proper sexual match for me and clearly never was (and I was not to her).
3. I could just continue the happy dad, do my work routine but I will be depressed, get more chest pains and die early. Doesn't seem fair or smart to either of us and the kids will know this to be BS at some point. My son actually asked me a year ago why me and his mom never kiss. Totally killed me. I know he must sense this stuff. He's seen the blow-outs as well. The big question for me has been this: What is the better trade off for the two kids? Fake "happy" mom and dad childhood where they will have us dotting on them but they will see fights and us miserable with each other or having each of us apart, dotting on them and (hopefully) seeing us both very happy. This is tough as I don't know if either of us will actually end up really happy after this. The future is scary either way!


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## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Have you been prescribed anything for your anxiety?
> 
> Home and school for your kids two important areas to prioritize right now. At home, things have to be as calm and orderly as possible. This may be an area to take up in IC. How to get along with your wife through out this process to make the best outcome for the kids.
> 
> ...


I melted down a few days into leaving. I drove myself to the hospital as I was having a huge panic attack. Hands and neck were going numb and thought I was going to pass out. I was given Clonazepam there. I used up what little they gave me. I've had no other medicine since (probably about a week). I'm seeing a therapist but I think I have to see a psychiatrist to get medication? I don't know I've never been on any medication in my life. 

I agree, the thing with this woman is huge and bad. Possibly the right woman but at the worst time and in the worst circumstances (mother of his friend!!). I feel like I'm in a movie. I keep thinking about that film "Little Children". It's insane to me. But...I really, really like her. I talked to her more than my wife during the past 5-6 months due to our playground time. We could talk non-stop. I'm highly attracted to her and I know after our brief encounters that she is a sexual match for me. 

I also know exactly what you are saying. My family has cautioned me as well. My wife says she is gold digging me. I feel confident she is not but it's a really bad time. I have told her I need some serious time to clear my head, deal with all this. She has been helpful with calming me down and making good suggestions but she is NOT giving me any space after I asked for it. She text me all the time and calls. I continue to go to see her which is stupid on my part. I am high on this. I told her I feel confident I'm not going back to this marriage, that if we like each other like I think we do then weeks and months is not going to kill us and she also has to deal with her marriage coming to it's real end. This is bad on both are parts. I do see that I may be her "Prince Charming" at the end of her marriage. I'm trying to be realistic but this is really tough. I feel sad and guilty that I'm more upset about possibly losing her than the end of my real 25 year relationship. 

Also, the kid issue is nuts. My wife wants to switch my son to another elementary school. My son and the woman's son would be in the same class for two more years until middle school. That sounds like a disaster. My wife says she will be humiliated if he stays at that school. No matter what I have screwed that part up. He made some friends, has been doing good at school and now will have to switch next year. I'm going to have to live with that. He is very friendly and I have no doubt he will adjust but it's so not fair to him. A huge issue for me to deal with. I know if I see this woman in the future I will have to keep the kids out of the relationship for a long period of time.


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## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

BTW, thanks for the comments from everyone. Hearing things from non family and friends (or my wife or other woman) is what I need. Their comments all come with baggage and in some cases based on what THEY want to see happen rather than what I need or even what should happen.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm confused.... you're separated with the intent to divorce, she's separated with the intent to divorce.... so what's the problem? Why are you beating yourself up? You went 25 years not cheating on your wife and you only took up with another woman once you were out of the house (and, I assume, had decided to divorce?). That's called getting a divorce and moving on, not cheating on your wife! Slow down and calm down. Make sure you have a good attorney.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> tell the pretty lady you want to back off until she and you are divorced.


People date while separated but not legally divorced all the time... yes he could slow down but I don't see why he has to cloister himself either. He hasn't lived in 25 years!


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## Slamjim (Feb 13, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> I'm confused.... you're separated with the intent to divorce, she's separated with the intent to divorce.... so what's the problem? Why are you beating yourself up? You went 25 years not cheating on your wife and you only took up with another woman once you were out of the house (and, I assume, had decided to divorce?). That's called getting a divorce and moving on, not cheating on your wife! Slow down and calm down. Make sure you have a good attorney.


This is all true. The beating myself up isn't all about the other woman though. Even with all this over 25 years I surprised myself by just up an accepting the invitation to leave this time. It always just ended with us settling back into things until the next blow-up so I really didn't have a period of time where I made plans to leave (even though I've thought about it before). The decision was so sudden. It's been a seriously insane three weeks. None of this was easy especially with the kids involved. 

I'm feeling better and better about this decision. Here is something I was shocked by today. I went to the therapist and spoke in detail about the relationship with the woman (among other things). At the end of the session I flat out asked her if I should stop seeing her and she said no and thought it was a good thing for me if I was dead sure on divorce. I was not expecting that. Matches your take on this. I assumed she would be telling me to be more cautious and slow like some of the other posters here.


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