# Trying to connect emotionally-speaking..any tips?



## Hypothetically (Jun 3, 2010)

Hi there, as I've read through some of the threads on here, I realize that I am a great deal younger in addition to a great deal less experienced than the majority of the posters on this forum. However, I would appreciate any advice from those who could think back to the beginnings of some of their relationships. 
My boyfriend is a great guy, but very much the opposite of me. He's a lot quieter and more creative than me. I wasn't planning to get into a relationship before going off to university, but here we are.  We are both 18 years old; he is my first boyfriend and I am his first respective girlfriend. I've been on a peppering of dates, however. 
We are inching into 2 month territory, so the Honeymoon period is beginning to fade. We recently got into our "first fight", if it can even be categorized as such. It was over something small and insignificant (as I imagine many of these first fight scenarios are), but I feel that we are at an inflection point regardless. Thus far, we've been having fun with the physical part of the relationship, but I want to connect emotionally with him. I've told him this, and we're going to talk tomorrow about "us". I told him that we just haven't been talking about "us" as much as I'd like to. "Us" is so ambiguous. Any ideas on how I could broach the topic of emotionally connecting with him...or any ideas on what we could talk about? 
Also, on a tangential note, I feel that many of the couples from whom I ask advice take a "the first rule about Fight Club is not to talk about Fight Club" mentality. Aren't partners supposed to be open with one another...? Perhaps I'm an open person, but I find that it's easier for me to tell him what's going awry, rather for him guessing around and _maybe_ finding what's going on.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

In a long-term, committed relationship, it is important to be open with one another about issues that bother you. Letting them fester over time can often lead to such great resentment that the relationship cannot recover once the issues are brought to the surface.

I'm not sure whether 2 months qualifies as long-term, but I guess if you both feel you are in a serious relationship, starting to talk in more depth about future plans, dreams, etc. will bring you closer. Some people have a fear of commitment and will back away if the relationship gets too 'close', others begin to feel disconnected if the relationship doesn't progress by a certain point in time...I guess just a talk about where you both stand in that regard?


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## Hypothetically (Jun 3, 2010)

> I'm not sure whether 2 months qualifies as long-term, but I guess if you both feel you are in a serious relationship, starting to talk in more depth about future plans, dreams, etc. will bring you closer.


I'm not sure if it qualifies as anything more than "dating" either (in fact, it's silly to think that as "long term" - it really isn't) but we are going to the same university so it has the potential to turn into a long-term kind of deal. I think this is what bothers me and what I'd like to talk about...


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I do not know you or your boyfriend so what I am saying I can only go based on past experience and personal opinion. Please do not take anything I say as absolute truth, nor please do not take offense, because it's not mean that way, okay?

At 18 years old most guys don't/can't/won't think about long term relationships. At that point of our lives we generally are looking for fun here and now. After only being together for 2 months, talking about long term feelings or relationships aren't something an 18 year old guy is thinking. 

Chances are based on my assumptions here your boyfriend is just enjoying being with you and having fun. At this age generally just having him still being around is about the most you can generally expect. I seriously doubt at this point he even KNOWS how to show you the full emotional love, especially after 2 months.

I know for me and the other guys I know at 18 the last thing on our minds was a long term relationship. Generally we were happy with having day to day stuff. We just don't generally mature the same way as you ladies do.

Again though I don't know your boyfriend, and everyone can be different. I am just going on personal experience here.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> At 18 years old most guys don't/can't/won't think about long term relationships. At that point of our lives we generally are looking for fun here and now. After only being together for 2 months, talking about long term feelings or relationships aren't something an 18 year old guy is thinking.




:iagree:


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## Hypothetically (Jun 3, 2010)

This is the weird thing. I'm more uncomfortable with him and HIS emotions. He's been saying, "You know..you really are a beautiful girl. I love you." and I'm thinking to myself, "Love..love..WHAT??!" That's kind of what I want to talk to him about. 
We've already agreed on pre-marital sex and it's not happening for him in this relationship just as it isn't happening for me. 
I know he doesn't love me. He can't. I didn't love my dog after 2 months. 
I'm confused on what I am feeling. It certainly isn't love. But it should be something more serious..or..I don't know? I enjoy his company but I'm not sure what else to tell him. 
I feel that we should be talking about _ something _ but I'm not sure what.

And thank you for all of the advice! I feel like he and I should be becoming friends too and instead we're just people who hold hands and fool around.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you feel like you aren't friends as well as partners, tell him that. That's a good start toward an emotional connection. It opens the door to discussing what you each feel you need out of a relationship. It also opens the door to discovering whether or not your partner can provide you with those things. 

As for whether or not he loves you...well, I wouldn't say he doesn't. My boyfriend and I knew we were in love with each other on our second date. It can and does happen. You may not return the feelings (yet or ever) but I wouldn't discount his out of hand, either. I definitely wouldn't tell him you think that. Making him feel as though his feelings aren't valid is a sure way to shut him down emotionally and not only sever any emotional connection might exist, but prevent one from ever forming. 

If you're uncomfortable with his declarations of love, simply tell him so...but nicely. "Rob, you're a really nice guy, and I'm having so much fun with you. But I think you're a little ahead of me emotionally, and I think you need to slow down and let me catch up. I appreciate the fact that you love me, but I'm not there yet and I can't say it back. When you say it to me, I feel pressured. Can you give me a little space in that regard?" And then just hope for the best. 

Lots of luck!


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## Hypothetically (Jun 3, 2010)

> If you feel like you aren't friends as well as partners, tell him that. That's a good start toward an emotional connection. It opens the door to discussing what you each feel you need out of a relationship. It also opens the door to discovering whether or not your partner can provide you with those things.
> 
> As for whether or not he loves you...well, I wouldn't say he doesn't. My boyfriend and I knew we were in love with each other on our second date. It can and does happen. You may not return the feelings (yet or ever) but I wouldn't discount his out of hand, either. I definitely wouldn't tell him you think that. Making him feel as though his feelings aren't valid is a sure way to shut him down emotionally and not only sever any emotional connection might exist, but prevent one from ever forming.
> 
> ...


Fantastic advice! I will take it into consideration when we talk tomorrow (especially the part where I tell him about feeling pressured about being told that I'm loved). Thank you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He loves having a girl want to date him. Big difference.

What about just agreeing to 'date' but have no commitments for now?

My DD19 had a bf going into school (he stayed back at home), thought she could make it work. But frankly school changed her too much. Both of you are going to experience SO much that you can't even imagine yet that you're going to be shocked how much things change, even in 6 months. 

Just go with the flow. Have fun with him if he wants to have fun, but don't limit yourself. I kept telling DD19 that college guys are going to be so different, going to school itself is going to be so different, that she just couldn't imagine how different it was going to make HER. And she agrees with me now, a year later. 

So just go into school with an open mind, no entanglements, and a willingness to date but not be exclusive.

As for telling him, my #1 rule for DD19 was always to be completely honest with people, not become someone she isn't just to fit in or get/keep a guy. So tell him the truth. If he doesn't like your truth, then he wasn't for you. The guy who CAN handle your truth is a better choice. You don't want to have to adapt just to keep a guy; it won't work, long term.


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