# Can't get another woman out of my mind / seeking validation from others



## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

Hi all,

I posted here a while back and got some good advice (already picked up some books and am reading them when I can) but am still struggling and not sure if there are others that have had this happen to them before.

I am married, and my wife is perfectly happy with me. We have two young children. We have been together since 2005 and have never once wanted to spend time with anyone else. I won't lie I used to walk around and if I saw an attractive girl I would think she is attractive and move on. I also used to believe people thought I was a good looking person.

January this year I started really enjoying the feeling and thought of this other woman that I thought was smiling/interested in me. I did not cheat but believe it probably was an emotional affair. Long story short despite us getting along for a while things eventually got sour. (more me asking lots of personal questions, not looking confident, asking what is wrong with me, etc). 

I knew deep down this was a good thing. I can't have feeling for someone who is not my wife. But I have no idea why I am struggling. Although we were not dating, she seems happy and content and will eventually be seeing someone. It makes me feel low, no good, ugly, etc. I don't have her on social media, but feel the urge to check. It's almost become a "what is wrong with me". I have been posting my picture on various places to get ratings on my appearance which haven't come back as good as I had hoped. Which then leads to feeling ugly and insecure.

Anyway - none of this was ever an issue and don't know why this feeling of being dumped by someone who I was never dating has destroyed me. I've been dumped before in my earlier years and kind of figured they won't be as happy without me (I know that sounds bad). I want to get back to what I used to be, but have no idea why I can't. 

I know this sounds terrible but really don't know how to get out of this. Hoping someone out there has insight.

Thank you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sometimes you may need something to help you break a cycle of thoughts and reset your emotions. Think of ways you can "redirect" you mind towards something that attributes to your wellbeing.

May I suggest adopting a rescue cat or dog?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

your bored in your marriage. how about putting effort into time with your wife she thinks your good looking.

that girl new you were fishing and that you were married. its a turn off to most when a married person is fishing for action. especially when its wimpy fishing.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## cynthiaow2 (Jul 18, 2017)

You've reactivated your youthful mood which I find normal and entertaining. You're still thinking of that girl because you imagined a certain kind of 'life' with her which never happened, that hurts but move on cuz you are married. Very often people want to be the first to leave a relationship to avoid the hurtful feeling of rejection . That's what she did and your reaction is perfectly normal. 

Get over it and start working on your marriage to bring back the youthfulness you're missing. Update your closet, dress good, look good and feel good! 

When you look good you know! You don't need someone in a pajamas sitting behind a computer to validate you on social media. Cheers!!


Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

cynthiaow2 said:


> You've reactivated your youthful mood which I find normal and entertaining.


I also giggled at your angst. A guy I worked with once brought in his very hot wife. I was like, dang! And EVERYONE was like, dang! He was like, what? Cuz I guess he was once the equivalent hotness. But we saw this vaguely cute bald guy with a smoking hot wife. He said, I guess I've lost my mojo. Things change or apparently did for him. It's a sad fact of life.

Work out. Eat well. Do good works. Work on an attractive personality and that raises your score much faster than plastic surgery.

Tinder is a dating site based on just a picture, pass or fail (as I understand it - never tried it.) Is that really all there is to a relationship/life? Not for me.

Love,
Used to be much hotter but still cute enough


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

How about growing up.

A bunch.

No longer see this OW. You are having an emotional affair. That is cheating. Stop now. Complete No contact, dude. And no excuses. 

Take that energy and give it all back to your wife. 

Failing any of this, you will pay the price. The pain
you will inflict on others because of your simple greed and selfishness is unbounded and unforgiveable. 

Wake up, dude. You know better.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Sometimes you may need something to help you break a cycle of thoughts and reset your emotions. Think of ways you can "redirect" you mind towards something that attributes to your wellbeing.
> 
> May I suggest adopting a rescue cat or dog?


We have 2 cats that love to be pet and fed lol. I would love a dog someday, just not in the cards right now with the 2 cats and 2 young kids. But I used to own a dog, was my buddy so letting go was another issue of mine when he passed (took a really long time).


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> your bored in your marriage. how about putting effort into time with your wife she thinks your good looking.
> 
> that girl new you were fishing and that you were married. its a turn off to most when a married person is fishing for action. especially when its wimpy fishing.


The thing was is although yes I was fishing, I was hoping we could be friends. I realize people will scoff at that but I thought outside of her being a good looking woman that she was nice, and had similar stuff going on. And I don't think she minded the talking, she even said the texting and conversation was nice for her. But like I said then it got to be bad when I looked weak for sure. But the self-confidence demons showed up and I had to ask poignant questions.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Aren't you concerned that someone from real life might see these pics and recognize you? How would you explain to your wife that you want to know how strangers on the internet feel about your looks?
> 
> Did you get specific feedback from these sites about your appearance? Maybe you need to lose weight, as an example. Well, that is something that you can actually take care of in reality.


My wife knows I am having a rough time with my looks right now. So I have told her this part before. She was more disappointed that I would feel the need to seek validation and such. Most kind of said average looking - nothing bad but nothing great. Then I started thinking about first impressions, never really getting women approaching me growing up and the self-worth just plummited.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

cynthiaow2 said:


> You've reactivated your youthful mood which I find normal and entertaining. You're still thinking of that girl because you imagined a certain kind of 'life' with her which never happened, that hurts but move on cuz you are married. Very often people want to be the first to leave a relationship to avoid the hurtful feeling of rejection . That's what she did and your reaction is perfectly normal.
> 
> Get over it and start working on your marriage to bring back the youthfulness you're missing. Update your closet, dress good, look good and feel good!
> 
> ...


Thank you - I certainly do feel like the dumpee and wish I didn't care as much. I have a good life, hurting my marriage would be a terrible thing for me, yet here I am thinking of her and wish she could see how great I was. It's pathetic but the thoughts come in.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

Dannip said:


> How about growing up.
> 
> A bunch.
> 
> ...


I do agree. But I should say I don't have contact with her now. I deleted all of our texts, messages, whatever. I had been doing quite well with it, getting back to myself, not caring, etc.

Unfortunately it must have been a mutual friend liking a photo and I saw her on FB. All those old feelings came rushing back and literally knocked me down to where I didn't want to do anything. I thought she looked really pretty and just instantly made me feel low as I am not good enough.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I've seen lots of pretty girls with ugly guys. 

Its their confidence and sucess their attracted to. and then they cheat with the pool boy. Lol

You think too much. Acceptance is a good thing. You are what you are and thats all there is to it. Accept the things you can't change and make the most of what you got.

If you do the oppsite you will drive yourself crazy.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So hows your wife doing?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not uncommon, but dangerous. 

Its great when someone finds you attractive - a huge ego boost. Also as you get older, you want the happiness and freedom of youth - a happiness and freedom which may never have actually existed. 

A new person is exciting - you don't know much about them, so you fill in the blanks with a person from your fantasy, not their reality. 

These all can conspire to produce a very strong sense of attraction. They may have felt it as well for many of the same reasons. She may have realized before you did that this was going in a dangerous direction. 


The sort story is that it was a fantasy. You have not lost something real, just a fantasy you wrapped around a person. 

If you have a good marriage, then enjoy it - you are luckier than many. Fix the problems. Remember how much you love your wife and treat her that way. Feel free to fantasize, just keep the fantasies well separated from real people.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> I've seen lots of pretty girls with ugly guys.
> 
> Its their confidence and sucess their attracted to. and then they cheat with the pool boy. Lol
> 
> ...


I am doing the opposite now and yes it is driving me crazy. It's bad, almost like I wanted her to be into me and now that she isn't I want to know if others do as my self-worth is damaged (I am considering this as payback for being terrible). It's a lot harder walking around when you are low on yourself and believe no one thinks you are attractive. Then, boom I think of the OW, picture her with other people, and have a tough time accepting that I am not on her level. I don't know if any of that makes sense...


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Not uncommon, but dangerous.
> 
> Its great when someone finds you attractive - a huge ego boost. Also as you get older, you want the happiness and freedom of youth - a happiness and freedom which may never have actually existed.
> 
> ...



Ya i've been working on it that's for sure. But again still can't forget about this person. I'm guessing if I could feel that ego boost from someone else who was attractive I could feel better about myself. I was never approached much growing up (more on the shy side) and believe this is lending itself to things a bit. I should have just left it at thinking this woman was pretty but that was it. And now I just can't help but think this good looking woman thinks i'm not on her level.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wake up. 


WAKE UP.


Direct this energy into your marriage, into being a supportive half of the team that your wife is part of. The rest is superficial nonsense. Granted, that might be where you're at. If you can wake up though, do so.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

charles12345 said:


> I do agree. But I should say I don't have contact with her now. I deleted all of our texts, messages, whatever. I had been doing quite well with it, getting back to myself, not caring, etc.
> 
> Unfortunately it must have been a mutual friend liking a photo and I saw her on FB. All those old feelings came rushing back and literally knocked me down to where I didn't want to do anything. I thought she looked really pretty and just instantly made me feel low as I am not good enough.


Ok then. How about "Be a Man". Be strong. You rule your emotions not the other way around. 

Go to the gym and start really working out. 

Facebook? You let pixels on screen dictate your feelings? You had better start looking into what it takes to be a man - what responsibility looks like.

Report back what you discover about yourself.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

You need to own up and move on from the other woman. There will be a grieving period. There really is no validation for a married man to fantasize obsessively about another woman. It will feel like any other unwanted break up in your heart but this isn't sustainable. You can't compare her to your wife and the all the life (married chores) that comes with being married.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

Hi all,

Feel like I should provide a little update. Things have been getting better, but sometimes they are bad. The good news is in a few weeks I will probably never see the other woman again. I know this is the right thing to do, but still feel sad (which yes I know is wrong). I am very hopeful that this will get me back on track. Every time I see her it feels like I am re-opening a wound and feel so low about myself.

It's weird as life just doesn't feel as exciting. It was thrilling when I thought she was interested in me. I have thought other women were attractive before, I have been rejected before, but have never had this much of an issue getting over things. I have no idea what my problem is.

My wife and I have gotten out on our own which has been nice but then its back to the grind of life again. I almost feel like I am running away from my problems and that the other woman will be happy as well, which again hurts. I can't feel good about myself. 

Anyway the worst is I just have no idea why I am not happy and why I got hurt this bad. I've been with my wife (dating & married) for over 10 years now and have always looked forward to getting out, talking, watching shows together, etc. Now things feel like a grind.

Anyway sorry for the long post. Figured i'd update in case someone else someday goes through this.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I really am. It's a terrible feeling to miss someone you're not supposed to be involved with in the first place. The fact that it wasn't a legit relationship doesn't make missing her any less painful, does it? 

May I suggest, try imagining what your life would have been if you went with her, but only imagine the bad parts, the parts where you would have clashed. Of course, this can only really be done when you've gotten enough distance from her to be able to see her as less than perfect.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does your wife know about this affair? 
An affair is like a drug, you are an addict. Regular life doesn't seem so pretty after the fantasy affair world. 
Your wife cannnot compete with a fantasy. 

To get back into your marriage you should be spending about 20 hours a week of alone time (no kids, no tv) start there. Do it consistently every single week.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Well, Charles, as a women who has a husband who does exactly what you are doing, I can tell you it is devastating. My husband fished like you for years. I saw glimpses of it over the years, but refused to believe my husband would do such a thing. Years later, it was all confirmed. 10 years later, he has started the same nonsense. Now he is again distant, and he tells me he does not like where our marriage is right now. Of course he does not. I do not trust him one inch, so no, he does not get close to me. 

You are ruining your marriage. If you walk into a barber shop enough times, eventually you will not like your hairstyle and get a haircut.

Be a man now and decide if you want your marriage or not. If not, make a clean break and have some mercy. What you are embarking on is a death by a thousand cuts for your wife. 

And what the other poster said: Grow up.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

charles12345 said:


> It's weird as life just doesn't feel as exciting. It was thrilling when I thought she was interested in me. I have thought other women were attractive before, I have been rejected before, but have never had this much of an issue getting over things. I have no idea what my problem is.
> 
> My wife and I have gotten out on our own which has been nice but then its back to the grind of life again. I almost feel like I am running away from my problems and that the other woman will be happy as well, which again hurts. I can't feel good about myself.
> 
> Anyway the worst is I just have no idea why I am not happy and why I got hurt this bad. I've been with my wife (dating & married) for over 10 years now and have always looked forward to getting out, talking, watching shows together, etc. Now things feel like a grind.


I know it sounds cliche, but that's life, and that's marriage (for most, anyway). Couple that with lower self esteem, and you get situations like this.

Look, my life is a grind, too. I have to remind myself of the good things every now and again, just like anybody else. I also use mile-markers throughout the year as things to look forward to - vacation, birthdays, christmas, etc. And on a smaller scale, I play recreational sports, so I have something to look forward to a few times a week. Hell, even tv shows give me something small to look forward to! It all breaks the monotony of daily married life, most of which is unexciting and mundane, but necessary.

Like you, growing up I was never great with women, in terms of them flocking to me, or me having the ability to pick someone up at will. The women I dated and married all happened organically. I'm a true "once you get to know me" kind of guy - NOT a "I saw you from across the room" dude. I'm not ugly, I just don't give off that vibe that some people do. It sounds like that's your deal, as well. MOST people don't have that "it" factor, trust me. In fact, the vast majority of us are quite average and unremarkable to most people.

So the odd time a woman has been forward with me in my 40+ years of life, it's felt nice. Unfortunately, I've never been available when this has happened, so... oh well. I've taken that interest and made it a positive - because it is. Somebody found me attractive! Awesome! But for most, that's good enough. It is for me, anyway. There's no need to follow up with something that either isn't going to happen, or if it does, can completely ruin what you currently have.

In my twice-married life, there has been exactly one woman who I, still to this day, wonder "what if?". She's not better than my wife, or even my ex wife. It's not a case of "Would my life have been better? Did I make the wrong choice?" - it's simply a "what if?". There's actually nothing wrong with that. My attention is, and always has been, focused solely on my partner. Quite simply, you can't help having chemistry with someone, despite having a perfectly good partner already. What you CAN help, however, is chasing that chemistry to areas you shouldn't be going to. And worse, making comparisons, often negatively slanted to your partner.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

charles12345 said:


> The thing was is although yes I was fishing, I was hoping we could be friends. I realize people will scoff at that but I thought outside of her being a good looking woman that she was nice, and had similar stuff going on. And I don't think she minded the talking, she even said the texting and conversation was nice for her. But like I said then it got to be bad when I looked weak for sure. But the self-confidence demons showed up and I had to ask poignant questions.


Being friends with a single lady who you find attractive is always a bad idea. Privately texting and talking to such a lady is also a bad idea.


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## StepTalkSucks (Aug 17, 2017)

Why are you seeking validation from others? Why is it important to you to have others think you're good looking?

If you know the answers, great.... but the bottom line, is that you need to feel attractive. Maybe you can enlist your wife in helping you with that.... even just telling you, literally... hey babe, looking good... might do wonders to boost your ego and sense of accomplishment in the attractiveness game.

Sometimes I feel ugly, fat, bloated.... but I'm told I'm nice looking. Everyone has a bad day...bad week...bad month... figure out what it is that is making you feel not so good about yourself, and turn it around. It does no good to complain you're overweight, for example, if you're pounding back the mcdees and sitting around on the couch... DO something about it. 

Most importantly, keep your wife in the loop. Often, when middle aged men start taking better care of themselves, it's because they want to attract outside attention... even if for purely innocent reasons (as in, they want to feel attractive because others will look).... but eventually, friendships born out of attraction become a very dangerous relationship...and that's usually where the affairs happen.

The ONLY one you should be trying to impress, is your WIFE. But...remember that it's not her responsibility to make you feel good about yourself - you need to love yourself enough to feel good about yourself, all on your own. It's not some hot chick that smiles at you that's going to bust apart that feeling of self-loathing... it's your own sense of worth.

Good luck.


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