# Letter to the OW/OM



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

If I were to contact the OW in my case, can someone give some examples of how to write a letter to her?

I want to write it because I think it will make me feel better. I don't expect a reply from her. I don't want to use vulgarities in it either. This woman knew my H was married and had a son. In fact my H has been texting her photos of our son. Should I mention something about our son in that letter as well? My husband was her superior at work.

I know she is not 100% to blame for the affair but I feel she is still has some responsibility for the demise of my marriage.

I know some people think I should not go down to her low life level but I feel strongly that I should contact her. She was there when I confronted my husband about the affair. She is also in a process of divorce that was initiated by her before her husband knew(but suspected) of the affair.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I honestly don't know. I talked to the OW in my H's affair, but I messaged her and asked for nothing but the details from her side. And that was it. I didnt' inform her of anything and I didn't ask for an apology or anything. I hope someone can come in here with some better advice for you, and good luck with the letter. Thats a tough one.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I know some people think I should not go down to her low life level but I feel strongly that I should contact her.


It is entirely pointless and a waste of time to confront her. But writing a letter to her isn't irrelevant. All you need to do is tell her that you love your husband and intend to fight for your marriage, that you have many years committed to one another, and that ending a marriage with infidelity is disastrous for both parnters in the marriage and the future of the affair.

Sign it and leave it at that. Never talk to her again. Ever.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think it all depends on what your spouse told her...I personally do not see what good it would do, nor do I see it as taking the low road, I mean, shouldn't the fact that your husband did this to you be enough?..do you expect a heartfelt answer from her?..maybe if she did respond, would it bring more questions and pain?..it just seems that someone like that is never going to be forthcoming or feel any guilt, or at least enough to make a difference, I myself have no feeling what-so-ever to question the OM, but if you think it will make you feel better or heal faster, then do it...good luck.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

It may make your feel better, but if she responds it may only raise more questions in your mind. 

The only reason I ever talked to OM about any of it was I had talked to him before I found out about the affair. Not that we were friends but I felt I could get a better truth from him than my wife.

Tread lightly, If your only reason is to make yourself feel better, I say leave it alone.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

notreadytoquit

I know how you feel exactly. I have been back and forth on this one a 100 times for the past 6 months. In my situation I have felt very invisible to my wife’s affair partner and feel this person has no regard for me or our marriage or realize what he is doing to us. I have talked this out with my therapist a few times now and have even written a few letters but never sent them. It made me feel better to write the letters and get what I wanted to say out. After I wrote the letters I gave my self 3 or 4 days to see how I would feel. By the time a few days went by I would feel better and felt I would not gain anything by contacting the other person. In fact it could make you feel even worst.

Just my 2 cents everyone is different
JAR


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Very good advice Jar. I see very little purpose to trying to reason with, or to get help from the Other Person. They are 'in love' with your spouse, for crying out loud. Your spouse has told them who knows what about you - and they see your spouse as a 'soul mate.' They have spent time covering up an affair, helping your spouse lie, cheat and deceive. What on EARTH makes anyone think they will somehow 'see the light' once you start some communication with them? Did your spouse 'see the light' immediately? How long did that take? How long will it take your Disloyal, fog-bound spouse to come up with some new reason for why things are better with the Other Person - based upon the 'control' you are trying to exert over them by interfering with 'true love'?

The ONLY letter you should ever send to the Other Person is simply a statement that of who you are, and that you side with marriage and against cheating. And then abide by the concept of No Contact thereafter.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

OH YEA... I had several of those that were written and not sent, to both my wife and OM.

Sometimes I would write it with pen and paper, others an email, others a document on the computer. I ended up deleting almost all of them.



> The ONLY letter you should ever send to the Other Person is simply a statement that of who you are, and that you side with marriage and against cheating. And then abide by the concept of No Contact thereafter.


Definitly - She is probably not going to care anyway.


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

Would it be appropriate for a man to contact the OM in an EA? If a co-worker sent inappropriate message to your wife would it be ok to threaten him physically?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

notreadytoquit, I think I understand how you feel. You are angry, hurt, betrayed, and probably feel pushed to the side and replaced. I know you alternate between crying uncontrollably and desperately wanting to scream. What is happening to you is just awful, and you want them to know how you feel. You want them to know how wrong they are and how wrongly they have done you. You want them to know you did not deserve this and your son did not deserve it either. You want them to know they had no right to break up your family. You want them to know they wouldn't appreciate this happening to them if they were in your shoes. You want to give them both a piece of your mind. It's only natural to feel this way.

You say you feel she is partly responsible, but I'm afraid you're wrong about that. She has no responsibility to you whatsoever. Your husband is 100 percent responsible in this matter, just as if the OW didn't exist. So you should have nothing to say her. It isn't a matter of stooping to her level. It's about valuing your own soul and not handing her your dignity on a platter. What is happening to your family is of no consequence to her, and you cannot expect a letter from you would make it so. You cannot make her see what she's done to you and your family because she does not care, but you don't want to give her the satisfaction of feeling superior to you nor opportunity to flout you and squeeze your heart even tighter once you bear your soul on paper. Don't sell yourself short to her. Even though you are devastated and in spite of being so completely torn up inside, maintain an air of dignity for her, your husband, and the world to see. Keep your tears silent, keep your wits about you, and don't do worse damage to yourself than others have already done.

"_If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;_"
- Rudyard Kipling

She does not you know you and your husband has said terrible things to her about you. (I know that hurts, but it's true). I think it's best that you not give her any reason to think she knows more than he told her. You don't want to give her any kind of ammunition because even the most innocent letter will be turned around backwards when she is finished talking about you and degrading you. Don't give her one bit of who you are.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Wonderfully said, Susan. Thank you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> ... You say you feel she is partly responsible, but I'm afraid you're wrong about that. She has no responsibility to you whatsoever. Your husband is 100 percent responsible in this matter, just as if the OW didn't exist. So you should have nothing to say her. It isn't a matter of stooping to her level. It's about valuing your own soul and not handing her your dignity on a platter. What is happening to your family is of no consequence to her, and you cannot expect a letter from you would make it so. You cannot make her see what she's done to you and your family because she does not care, but you don't want to give her the satisfaction of feeling superior to you nor opportunity to flout you and squeeze your heart even tighter once you bear your soul on paper. Don't sell yourself short to her. Even though you are devastated and in spite of being so completely torn up inside, maintain an air of dignity for her, your husband, and the world to see. Keep your tears silent, keep your wits about you, and don't do worse damage to yourself than others have already done.
> 
> "_If you can keep your head when all about you
> Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;_"
> ...


*SUSAN!! HEAR-HEAR! Well said! QFT (quoted for truth)*


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh Susan, I know what you mean... there are days when I think like you but then there are days when I feel like punching in the face both my H and the OW. I never thought he would turn into this heartless monster aka the evil twin.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think the advice given here is right on, especially if you don't know the OW. 

For me, I did know the OW - one of my very good friends. So, I did write a letter. I led my H read it (who was speechless, just said WOW, that's really good - send it.) So, I did. Of course, it upset her immensely, and HER hubby ended up calling me! Felt I was blaming her entirely, not my H, etc. I prefaced the letter saying it wasn't an attack - just what I need to say, get off my chest, etc. (not to brag but the letter was brilliantly written! ) 

Do I regret it? Not in the least. It made me feel better, got off my chest what needed to be said. Led to me meeting OW for 1:1 meeting to let her give her side.... It's all good. 

But again, my situation is "unique" in that I knew the OW I think and we had history. You know? I think it's different for everyone.


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