# Hear me out... am I being verbally abused?



## joujou (Jul 1, 2009)

I've been married to my wife for nearly 3 years, and we're both 25. Since the start of the marriage I have been very unhappy about the marriage, in constant state of depression and stress. And I really need to identify what makes me so depressed about the situation we are in.

I suspect that I am verbally abused and that's what makes me stressed/depressed. Most of the time, we would be discussing something, when we disagree in opinion on what to do (e.g where to go for holiday, what to do this weekend, what to buy or not to buy), I take it as a habit to stay as friendly and calm as possible, not using insensitive language. But it always ends up in her lashing out at me with verbal abuse when she thinks she can't get her way through.

After that, I enter in a state of disappointment, a feeling of betrayal and chronic stress. When I confront her with what she has said (probably half the time), she weasals out and never takes anything back. 

When it is obvious that what she said is pretty damning, she blames me and says that I caused that. She cannot cite one time I told her something offensive, what she complains about is that "I insist" on my way.

The situation just made me very inconfident and caused me so much stress. Surely such sayings are offensive enough? may be I am overthinking what she says? may be I should ignore such things? am I being an emotional puss by getting pissed at that?

Lately I decided to note down instances of what she says and think about why they anger me so much. And probably share them and see what people think.

So, does stuff like this seem like verbal abuse to you? 

"I hate your parents, they never tell you to take care of your wife, and you talk too much to them".

"I cannot trust you, I cannot trust you to take care of me if I get pregnant"

"My parents don't want to come to me if I get pregnant, so you better fuss up and learn to cook for me and stop being so lazy"

"If we ever have to live in X, we better separate". Where X changes over time...

"I do not want to spend anything and I want to save money, lest you decide to leave me"

"Why do you not take me to X country to get treated for Y? if it was your mother, would you not have done that?"

"I do not want to change my name to yours, because I don't want the hassle to change it back if we get divorced".

"Why do you not buy X,Y,Z for the baby when he comes? you always buy stuff for your sister!".

"Why do you not buy a car? You do nothing for the relationship, I am tired of you and your laziness." 

These are sanitised quotes, normally they contain a lot more vitriol.

Normally she bursts out with a string of these. I get royally pissed, the next day she goes to work, and my productivity goes to 0 for the next few days. I just can't get over that. I feel very hollow and disappointed and she feels like everything is normal the next day. I try to leave the stuff behind, but the routine just kills me, it's like that every single time.

I could understand that she may get angry, but I'd expect at least that she takes some of the words back. So the comments about hating me and my parents and that they are worthless just hurt me too much I could not overcome them. After two days, I sat with her nicely and said that I was really hurt by those comments. I expected a "I didn't really mean it, I just got upset because you talked to your mother a lot that day". But no, she insisted again and again that they are bad parents and what not.


Extra info: we both have income, but I take care of all the finances because my income is nearly double hers. I take care of shopping. She cooks probably twice or so a week, good meals. I don't cook much because I always relied on the quick takeaway.

I don't know why she has the chronic belief that men are evil and should not be trusted - she always indicates this.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You indicate you have been in a constant state of depression and stress since marrying her three years ago. 

How were things before the marriage? 

What about intimacy right now? How often? Any changes in that?

What is her primary family network? Raised with both parents? What was her father and mother's relationship like as she was growing up?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Makes me wonder why she got married, doesn't sound like she trusts you or likes you.
Why did you marry her? did she show no signs of this prior to being married?


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## joujou (Jul 1, 2009)

Sandy55, thanks for the fast response. It gets pretty sad when you hit up the first forum you find.

I was ok before marriage, life was good, travelled a lot, got into photography, hobbies, etc... there was the constant need to have "your other half", so I settled after what I thought (and still think) was my love. She looked fabulous to me before we tied the knot.

She was raised with both her parents, her father is as nice as they get, but may a little bit spineless to her mother. Her mother is ok, but she is constantly complaining, and she is the one who got the idea into her kids that their father is not good. She'd complain and complain about him in front of them. 

Ironic is, my wife complains about how her mother is constantly complaining, and behaves in a negative way, but she'd exactly imitate her arguments and her style down to the last words. It's striking, but I don't want to call her out on this.

She fills herself with stories about bad men, she is constantly chatting up with other girls, especially in her family, about how this man betrayed his wife/gf, etc... It's sickening. 

Intimacy, sad sad state. She's practically asexual most of the time. She has had severe vaginismus (no intercourse during the first year), loosening out now. I can get her worked up after abstaining for a few weeks, but I'm tired of it. It's lifeless, it always looks like "ok, I'm letting you do it this time, but quick, and by the way, it has to be in this position (missionary)" almost to millemtric position, no variety. She sometimes indicates that I should just hump her. It feels lifeless, and I always hate myself afterwards. Hormones are strange things.

She is pretty, but she doesn't think she ought to dress well around. She'd wear ugly clothes most of the time. I bought her loads. Took her out on weekend get aways, etc...

I sat with her numerous times about this. I believe good, honest, calm communication is the way to go in a relationship. She just doesn't want to address this. She thinks she is ok with it once a month or so in the manner we have it, and that why bother if she is ok with it? (her own words). Should I just really get over it because she doesn't want it at all? When I suggested counselling she flat out got so offended and lashed out at me. 

I've just given up on intimacy, you can't make a woman want you if she can't be bothered, and it's become too hurtful for me. I've had plenty attention before marriage from other girls because I'm not exactly the ugly type.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I woulpd never tolerate that, I would be long gone.


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## joujou (Jul 1, 2009)

Preso, before marriage she always seems like a sweetheart. She's incredibly smart and clever (she's finishing out a PhD, I know it's a cliche, but she's really smart). 

What can I say, she is beautiful. She was this caring person that constantly asked me if I am feeling good, smiling all around. 

I wouldn't say she tricked me into marriage because people change and I don't believe she did it at all.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I suspected she was going for an advanced degree...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well you said her father was submissive and her mother was Dominant in the house, this is how she see's life and was raised.

Either you will be her whipping boy for life or you should move on.

If your fine with being the submissive one and doing as she tells you, well then buckle up because it has started.

Again, I could never live this way. I would be long gone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Stand up to her. Use "I" statements and lay out what you expect--give it some thought, write it out, rehearse. Stay calm, and tell her everything clearly. Give her the paper too. Keep it simple but clear--"I expect much more respectful communication and treatment from you. This means . . . " and give a few examples. You must be willing to tell her this is non-negotiable, that counseling for the two of you is a must, and you will be moving out if she is unwilling to participate. Then FOLLOW UP. She may test you to see if you are willing to stand your ground, but if you are, she will likely come around. It really sounds like she's just learned disrespectful marital behaviors from her folks and needs to break the cycle, but without a "wake up" call, this might not happen. You could also try telling her the above, without the part about leaving--make the appointments, and then refuse to listen to any disrespectful language. Walk away, shut a door, turn on music/ear buds. She may need individual counseling, too, but try joint first and see what the therapist says. Don't go this alone, and don't rely only on us for help; it takes more! 

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Have you approached her regarding counseling?


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## babyboomer (Jun 18, 2009)

How can you be happy with someone who is treating you with so much disrespect?

You sound like a lovely person I can't understand why she is so spiteful to you.

I believe that if things aren't okay in the bedroom that the marriage suffers. In marriage each partner needs to be sexually loving to the other, not wanting intimacy with one's husband shows there is a problem.

Seek marriage counselling for yourself, you need the support.

She sounds like a completely self absorbed wife who is intent on hurting you and she probably doesn't think she has to do anything to change. She will probably just keep blaming you for everything and that is intolerable.

It sounds very doubtful to me that you are going to find a loving relationship with this woman.

Good luck.


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