# secret bank account



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Hi ..Have touched on this subject lightly in the relationship forum but thought it would be more appropriate here. My husband has always been very controlling with money and feels because he earns more he gets the last say on how it's spent. When our children were small he insisted i earn an income even though financially we were ok. Since i wanted to raise my children myself i decided to do home daycare which allowed me to achieve that. When we moved in to a new house i asked him if we could buy some living room furniture since we didn't have any in the old house. He said there was no money for that and if i wanted furniture i had to save for it myself. My daycare money covered groceries and a few other things and that was it.

I didn't want to take on extra daycare kids as 1. I didn't want too many kids in the house that they wouldn't get enough attention 2. My husband earned more than enough. A few months after i had asked to buy furniture, he announced that he wanted to buy a boat. When i questioned why there was money for a boat and not for furniture he said that was his money that he worked overtime for and it was none of my business. Meanwhile i was the one taking care of the kids and the house while he was gone long hours earning this overtime. Was i resentful you bet i was. Not long after that i was looking through the desk for one of my son's birth cert, and came across a passbook for a bank we don't usually bank at. I opened it and saw there was a huge anmount of money in it. When i asked him about it he again said it was none of my business that it was his money he'd earned through bonuses and overtime.

I didn't make a big deal about it because i was one to keep the peace so my kids didn't have to grow up in a volatile environment, there was enough other things he yelled at without that. Needless to say my resentment grew. A few years later because of all the emotional and verbal abuse that we had encountered i took my boys and left for 6 weeks. He begged and pleaded that things would be different, so we moved back. Things were different for a while but soon went back to the old ways, even after we attended some counselling sessions together. 

I was feeling really disappointed that things went right back to the way they were because i went back thinking things were really going to be different. That summer i found him very distant and aloof and didn't seem into the marriage. When signing onto the computer one day a different e mail account popped up in his name. Since he uses the same password for a lot of things i tried it and it worked, i was into something i wish i didn';t have to see. He had been signed up for the last few months on dating sites and search for sex sites. I was so shocked but it certainly explained the distant behaviour.{ It was very hurtful that he wrote he loved to give massage, yet i love massage but he never gave me one}. He said that because we were arguing that he figured i didn't love him anymore.So when i'm finding secret accounts and then find he's signing up for dating sites just because we were fighting over something of course i'm going to be suspicious. He promised it wouldn't happen again just like he promised he wouldn't open another account without telling me first. I have no problem him having his own savings account but why the secrecy.

Fast forward a few years and i have discovered 2 more accounts opened by him on the sly. I asked him why he didn't tell me about them and he said it was his money and it was nothing to do with me, and he said if he left it in the joint account then we would never save anything. There has been a substantial amount in the joint account that has barely been touched. Needless to say i don't trust him anymore, even if he is saving for legitimate reasons the deceitfulness is really getting to me now and i told him he'd ruined the trust between us. When i asked him previously if he had any other savings accounts he said no. Since i had seen a bank card in his wallet when he paid for something with his credit card, one that i didn't recognise.Isaid well what do you have at such and such a bank, he said oh yeah a savings account. So he tried to lie about it. 

An incident from last summer makes sense now. My husband told me the bank wanted us to use separate passwords to access our joint account rather than the same number. I hadn't set mine up yet and the bank was closed and i needed to get onto the account to see if a cheque had cleared. I asked my husband for his password and he said no wait till the bank opens on Monday. I asked him since he didn't want to give me his password could he at least get me onto the account for me so i could check it out. He said no as it was his personal stuff on there.I thought marriage was supposed to be a partnership. To top it all off he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and i'm making a big deal about nothing.

The deceitfullness and promises of change which don't happen are not sitting well with me. I'm tired of being the nice guy just to keep the peace. I feel that he doesn't respect me enough to tell me he's opening different accounts for whatever reason he has. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am the bread winner for our family.
My wife handles all the money. No secrets.
We've been doing this for 30 years.

Get him back in counseling long enough for him to reveal all his secret stashes of money, then get a lawyer and take half of it.

Or, tell him that you demand that he pay you to cook, clean and take care of his half of the kids.
Charge about $25.00 an hour...


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He is deceitful. He has lied to you many times. And I also suspect he has been unfaithful. When people have affairs, they have expenses to cover. Your husband doesn't want you to see those expenses hence the need for secret bank accounts. Does he have credit cards you don't know about?

The point is you can't continue on like this. Either he agrees to counseling until everything is satisfactorily resolved, or you consider leaving. In the mean time make sure you document all of his secret bank accounts.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keylogger the computer with Spector Pro (google it) and see what you uncover.

Print off everything.

Agree with 827Aug that he's probably cheated on you.

Decide what want to do about him. Seeing he's fixated on money, I suspect he would find the whole alimony / child support / division of assets a very adverse proposition.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Also seeing you said that he had a large amount of money in these accounts and is high sercetive. You need to rule out that he isn't engaged in something illegal to get that money.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

this is so mean. i could think of nothing wose than hidding money. he tells you to work so you can but food??!!!

i dont understand, you dont have a couch, but he has a boat!!!! all money is your bussiness, his money is your money too.

either, his is planning for the day when he can bounce, and you would never even know how much oney he had.

an other thing seperate bank accounts so he can set up any internet account, have porn or "laides of the nite", like at the bunny ranch. you would not see the charges, and he wouldnt have to jump through hoops hidding his spending

what is the purpose of partner ship? to share everything... if you press him for answers you will not get it from him, if you investigate, or hire a PI you might find out something you cant unsee.

think long and hard about who you could handle this situation.

best of luck


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would be really angry if my boyfriend pulled crap like your husband is pulling on you. 

He may be earning the money, but in a marriage, or any joint relationship like it, it belongs to both of you. He is providing for your entire family, not just himself. And leaving you and the kids with no furniture to sit on while he goes out on his brand new boat is just wrong. 

Normally, I'd be all for talking it out and trying to fix it, but I think on this one, I agree with DanF: get him in counseling to find all his money and then take half of it in the divorce. 

Hidden money, dating site memberships, secret emails...sorry, but he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be married to.


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Thank you everybody for your words of wisdom. I must however clarify that we have a living room and family room so we do have furniture to sit on in the family room. I wanted to decorate the living room as it was empty. Other than the boat he doesn't really buy much for himself but our whole marriage he's been fixated on saving for retirement. I'm pretty sure if he was saving for both of us to retire he would't have the need hide money. I am definitely considering going back to school now that my children don't need me like they used to. 

After 15 years of staying home to daycare i'd had enough of being at home so i decided to get a job outside the home. I wanted to be available to my kids if they were sick or had an appointment so i needed a job with some flexibility. I started a housecleaning business as that allowed me the freedom to rearrange my schedule if the need arose for the kids. So i feel i have definitely contributed financially and have been both mother and father to my children at times. Unfortunately being out of the working world for so long leaves me limited choices for employment if i don't go back to school. Four years ago i asked my husband what he thought of me going back to school so i could get out of the house cleaning and he said that i was selfish and only thinking of myself not him and the kids, and that housecleaning was good money. He said i hate my job too but i can't just quit and do something i like. If he really wanted to he could but he likes the money .


----------



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

With the secrecy and hidden dating sights, its very likely that he is hiding money as getaway money. So many guys do this, but if you two ultimately divorce, it can be found. Do you live in a state/territory that tends to split all assets equally? If so, it's possible that he naively thinks this would be hidden in a divorce. As others said, get a key logger and find everything you can before confronting.

I'd strongly recommend some specific agreements if you confront him and ultimately decide to stay. Things about your ability to review all paychecks and their allocations. 

My sisters ex tried this with her. When he left, he had the divorce agreement set that everything would be split, but the lawyer found the hidden money. 

For reference, I get good bonuses as part of my job. My wife and I discuss these. Needed furniture always goes before my man toys.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow..this man places no value on you whatsoever. Go to school anyway..on his dime. HE is the one being selfish for not supporting your efforts to improve on your education. I have a feeling that you're going to need to be able to support yourself some day. 

And yes..document, document, document! Not only the secret accounts, but his little "visits" to the dating sites. Even if you're in a no-fault state, you need that information handy. 

Honestly, it sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive marriage. My jaw hit the computer desk at his remark that you're selfish. He's trying to make you feel bad about wanting to better yourself. Don't buy it, please. A good husband would support you 100% in your efforts towards improvement. 

Please start protecting your future.


----------

