# Odd behavior



## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

I bought a house for my wife of 14 years a few months ago, our first one. She was happy but not gleeful.

(Our marriage is a cold pathetic excuse where we pretend for the sake of the children, and my wife I am certain is high-functioning BPD, so I mostly avoid conflict.)

Not long after we bought it, my wife gained a swagger. Her confidence skyrocketed and she practically struts around the house singing to the point of annoyance. Even my oldest child is wondering What the hell? This has gone on for two months at least.

In the past I have witnessed her do this when she becomes insecure and puts on a strong happy face show for the kids, but never for this long to this degree. It feels unnatural.

This is in the context of me growing even more distant from her, and mounting debt that she must know is a threat to our ability to keep this house. She won't even tell me credit card balances.

After two months of this it finally dawned on me last night: Maybe she got some emotional boost from an extramarital flirtation?

I say flirtation because there are NO other signs. She leaves her phone everywhere and the kids use it. She's mostly home when she doesn't work (she barely works PT). I detect nothing else suspicious. She basically sits around on her phone, shops, and watches TV just like always.

If is it NOT that then I am really wondering what her thinking is? Maybe she's gotten what she wants (a house) and just assumes it'll be hers if we separate or divorce?

OR, if she has been flirted with, it may have dawned on her that if we divorce, she will have suitors lined up and that feels pretty damn good to her.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

reboot said:


> I bought a house for my wife of 14 years a few months ago, our first one.


Not WE bought a house for ourselves and family?


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

twoofus said:


> Not WE bought a house for ourselves and family?


Actually, "We bought an interest loan that gave us the right to live in a house that we will own in 30 years assuming we can keep paying the mortgage, which increasingly appears unlikely in the coming year."


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I'm not sure there is an affair now but after 14 years of a cold excuse for a marriage, there's not much doubt there could have been one in the past from either side. Have you sought comforts of the opposite sex, even if you thought it was harmless in the past? Not enough info to go on there but something obviously isn't right, as you said so yourself.

Does she use a tablet or computer at home other than the phone? Those would be other places to check.

This doesn't sound like fun but I'm not sure this sounds like a (current) affair?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And you let her have Credit Cards?

You let her keep track of the Credit Card debt?

You did mention she has acted in some vaguely similar way in the past when she has felt insecure. Maybe she sees that CC debt and the insecurity is just getting worse. Just an an idea, maybe.

People around here never seem to notice I say maybe a lot, so I have to say it several times in the same post nowadays. So maybe she is feeling more insecure than before.

I think the flirting thing is perhaps, note the word perhaps in there, perhaps more likely, though. 

A neighbor. That's what springs to mind. I bet neighbors love to peruse the new gal on the block for potential daytime play. Just sayin'. It is a possibility.

Note, I am only saying it is a possibility. God, when will people consider things are possible, and stop thinking every suggestion is a statement declaring something must be so.

Back to your flirty girl. You should put a camera up somewhere to watch your property during the day. Hey, you might catch a thief.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> And you let her have Credit Cards?
> 
> You let her keep track of the Credit Card debt?
> 
> ...


yeah this too. Maybe a nice lead in to dealing with the money issues along with the marriage issues in one foul swoop is to go to counseling, then bring up the money issues so there can be sort of like a mediator on dealing with the money situation and you won't look like the bad guy because that's the last thing you need at this point, especially if she is not keen to listening to you.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

I've not had any affairs. I have seen her in the past when she feels rejected or about to be abandoned, she goes into a sort of panic and did flirt with someone in front of the children and expressed no guilt over it.

No other computers or tablets of phones.

We may need to go to marital counseling again to get some clarity.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

reboot said:


> I've not had any affairs. I have seen her in the past when she feels rejected or about to be abandoned, she goes into a sort of panic and did flirt with someone in front of the children and expressed no guilt over it.
> 
> No other computers or tablets of phones.
> 
> We may need to go to marital counseling again to get some clarity.


I think this is necessary on so many fronts. It seems like you are definitely onto the situation of this marriage going nowhere, where it should be headed together.

Marriage counseling, if anything will help with the clarity but also if this marriage is salvageable. A lot of people don't go into MC because it could have the negative effect of driving the marriage apart further but I don't think there's much harm here, what's bad is already bad and you can get your clarity or direction on maybe even making steps to figuring out why it's cold and helping things in the best case scenario.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just be aware you are never going to get the truth in words.

People lie all the time.

As a disclaimer I will say I have been lied to more than the average person, I think. My wife lies. My answer has been to stop asking her questions, and never believe anything she says, ever. We each have our burden.

I have to say tossing out unverified words as a source of information actually is refreshing, because everyone lies.

Consider, if your wife is doing something wrong what chance is there she will tell you about it? She will claim she is innocent. If she is not doing something wrong she will decry her innocence. No matter what, her words will say she is innocent. So why bother asking?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not enough dust to make dirt..

And a large pile of dust requires tears to make it solid.

Tears of fears.
Tears of sadness.
Tears of joy?

To me?

She is skittering along, care free.

No, few:
Cares about you.
Cares about sex.

As I have said in the past, going from no sex to sexpot, fleeting cheating is preposterous.

But, this is TAM. And preposterous is spelled out every day, from the lowly, the illiterate. 
From would-be Poet Laurette's.

The timing is clue.

When all else points to somewhere else, panties with semen appear.

Like clock work. 

Time will tell.

@reboot will crash our CPU's, our preconceived notions...or he won't.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Not knowing the balances on cc debt you are both responsible for since you are married is a ticking financial disaster waiting to happen, assuming there is debt she is hiding. How can you both maintain the new house if you don’t know the total financial picture?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

reboot said:


> Actually, "We bought an interest loan that gave us the right to live in a house that we will own in 30 years assuming we can keep paying the mortgage, which increasingly appears unlikely in the coming year."


You need marriage counseling AND financial counseling. Honestly, I'd hire the financial counselor first and then, based on what is discovered in terms of debt, bring that up in the marriage counseling.

Honestly, I don't even know how this kind of thing happens. She barely works, you are the breadwinner, and yet you have no idea what your combined debt is? You know, the debt you're expected to pay for her AND would be stuck with in event of a divorce?

Have you considered telling her she has two options: 1) Stop shopping and agree to disclose all debt and then work to reduce said debt or 2) Get a full time job with a salary that is commiserate with the lifestyle she'd like. If she doesn't like those options, there's always option 3) divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, just remember, Odd behavior decays into Nod behavior. 
The spouse bringing on a boring snooze. 
Maybe, ..... hopefully not, a snot full of high test booze shutting down one's senses.
@reboot, it seems, is running on fumes. A passionless, widely spaced molecular torpor.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Let me get this straight. Your wife is racking up credit card debts and won't show you how much they are? I'm not sure about where you live, but in my community property state, you'd be liable for these debts and will get half of them when you divorce. 

I would fundamentally insist on financial transparency for both of you. You guys needs to know what your financial condition is and what you can afford. Ignoring the problem will just let it get worse. If she doesn't agree to this, you can safely conclude that she sees you as her underwriter and that when you are no longer a financial asset, the "love" will be gone.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The fact that you do not know the balances of her credit cards is more alarming than her behavior, frankly.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> The fact that you do not know the balances of her credit cards is more alarming than her behavior, frankly.


Alarming but I know so many cases like this strangely! Yet another reason why it's so sad my marriage is coming to an end. Both good parents in our respective roles, great with finances, the perfect life on the outside looking in but something missing from one of us.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Maybe she's just crazy?


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Some great points and provocative suggestions.

I have no doubt my wife has a problem with impulsive spending. The bigger problem as I see it is she does not express any willingness to even entertain that issue, much less seek help. This seems to apply to every issue she has.

As you know, individuals get credit card offers. She got more than one and signed up. Thankfully they are not huge balances due to our poor credit (once perfect, but poor because we went through financial ruin once already). We actually signed up for the first ones to rebuild our credit. Still, for our situation, they're huge.

I am working hard on my communication skills and emotional regulation, but frankly we need a mediator for pretty much any hot button topic unless I can convince her to use email.

The difference now is I am done living like this. I just cannot do it. I know I should have realized that 10 years ago, but this is my reality and I need to act in the present.


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## smokefire05 (Aug 24, 2017)

You have more urgent issues to address, frankly singing in the house doesn't crack the top ten.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

smokefire05 said:


> You have more urgent issues to address, frankly singing in the house doesn't crack the top ten.


You're right. I started realizing just in the past 48 hours that what I am doing is stirring up my imagination and paranoia as a side effect of failing to deal with the critical issues head on. I simply need to stop hiding in a closet working my imagination into a froth. I need to face the problems like a man.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

reboot said:


> You're right. I started realizing just in the past 48 hours that what I am doing is stirring up my imagination and paranoia as a side effect of failing to deal with the critical issues head on. I simply need to stop hiding in a closet working my imagination into a froth. I need to face the problems like a man.


Maybe she's happily singing around the house because she bought something spendy and you haven't discovered the bill yet.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not nearly enough to go on. This could be anything.


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