# New here



## Jimmy1962 (May 27, 2018)

After 35 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage, I find out my wife had a 9 month sexual affair 20 years ago. She met her lover 5 times for sex. I am devastated.

I had wondered about the other man 20 years ago, he was a customer at my wife's business. I suspected him to be hanging around eying and flirting with her. She had denied it. Fast forward 17 years and my wife and I were in a lawsuit against our daughter, we were getting custody of our granddaughter. I was under a lot of stress and my doctor put me on Prozac. I did not take it long but a side effect was it gave me vivid memories while I slept. Not dreams but vivid memories like you were watching a DVD. I remembered many things about this guy and started asking questions. After writing my wife a heartfelt letter she confessed that they had an affair. She said it was not about me it was about her, she must have said that 100 times. 

She does not know why she did it. Maybe she will find out in therapy. She said they had sex but there was no connection, it was empty, and she now knows that sex without a connection is not for her. We were in a rough time back then. We had a lot stress from our businesses that we hated, and our teenage daughter was into drugs and boys. The stress was almost unbearable. This handsome Adonis Lover (he was a player) was lurking around her business flirting and talking almost daily. 

So I find out now 20 years later. Everything is great now, we have retired and sold those pain in the ass businesses, we spend every moment together just like we did from the beginning of our relationship until my daughter got on drugs. We are close and cuddling lovebirds like we were before, we are US again, everything is pretty good. Now I find out she had a lover, for me it is right now while everything is wonderful. In reality when he was in the picture everything was not wonderful.
The only thing that this guy had to do to have sex with my wife was to talk to her. When she talked, he listened. They talked about silly stuff, nothing important, they just talked. (wife's exact words)

Back then I didn't talk much if at all. I was stressed, pissed, and disappointed in every aspect of my life, I am sure I was miserable to be around. For me my only bright spot thru all of the bad times was my wife and our marriage. I loved her above everything else and I thought that she knew that. To me there was the US that was wonderful, we had a bunch of **** piled on us, but if you dust that off there was still the US underneath. 

Looking back, I wish I had taken her for a walk every afternoon and held her hand, I wish I had dropped by her business with a flower or something to let her know how special she was to me, I knew but she did not.

As much as I want to I can not change the past, oh God how I wish that I could. The only thing that I can do is learn from the past and not repeat it. I want to be a better husband and I want my wife to know that I love her (flaws and all).

The A represents an intimacy hole in the marriage, a break in the continuum of intimacy. She shared with another man a segment of herself that should have been part of the marriage. This other man knows the details and thus owns this segment of intimacy.

2 year update.

This **** is hard! Trying hard to make it. Trying to put the past in the past and concentrate on now. Easier said than done. Things are leveling out. The roller coaster and triggers are not as severe, things are better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When someone finds out that their partner cheated many years ago, for you its as if its just happened. 

I admire you(I think) for being able to stay, I am not sure the trust could be restored for me. The 20 years of lying would for me be as bad as the actual affair. If someone can lie about something so very massive, and hide such an important thing from me for 20 years, I wouldn't be able to trust them about anything else either, especially their future behaviour with the opposite sex.

Good that for you it seems the worst is over, I hope you can trust her more now. A marriage after adultery will never be the same, I am told it can be ok again, but something very special has been lost that can never be reclaimed.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Looking back, I wish I had taken her for a walk every afternoon and held her hand, I wish I had dropped by her business with a flower or something to let her know how special she was to me, I knew but she did not.

As much as I want to I can not change the past, oh God how I wish that I could. The only thing that I can do is learn from the past and not repeat it. I want to be a better husband and I want my wife to know that I love her (flaws and all)."

You realize this is BS -- YOU didn't do this, YOU didn't cause this, YOU couldn't have prevented it. Yes, you were both under stress. Did YOU CHEAT? No. DID you bang your client 5 times? NO. SHE DID. It is 100% on HER that she did this and NOTHING to do with you.

Honestly, for the past 20 years, she has been lying to you. She KNEW that you were dump her, so she willfully covered it up and LIED to you to your face for 20 years. Think about that.

Now that you know, was the POSOM married? Maybe you can pay it forward and let his WIFE know about his cheating....

What has your wife done to correct the issues? How are you sure she never cheated on you again? Why, just because she said so?? See above (she lied to you for 20 years).

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

First of all, stop blaming yourself and saying "if I did this or if I did that". You didn't make her cheat! It was her decision and hers alone. She has to make this right if you truly want to stay in the marriage. The bare truth is that most of you relationship was built on a lie. Now it is up to you if you want to rebuild it


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's about time.

I mean come on dude, you been reading on here an posting stuff from here on there. What are we too blunt for you?

I have been reading your struggles on SI for some time, maybe SI isn't the place fore you. As you said you have been there 2 years and you don't seem to be getting much better. 

Lets start with this - 



> The only thing that I can do is learn from the past and not repeat it. I want to be a better husband and I want my wife to know that I love her (flaws and all)."


You are NOT learning. 


Here is something you won't here on that site. Maybe the problem is not you and has never been you, maybe your wife is just an *******. You need to at least be open to it. As you have describe your wife for 2 years she doesn't even sound like a real person. I believe this is how you feel about here but your thinking on her is not realistic. 

Or maybe you love her too much and she knows this and has taken advantage of that. Seems to me she is a typical cheater who had a good provider and wanted some excitement on the side. Again you need to be realistic about who your wife is. As long as you romanticize her you are never going to heal because the way you think about her makes no sense. 

If she was as great as you say she wouldn't have cheated, but you won't give that up so your mind then goes to, I should have been a better husband. Now she cheated do you think she even puts 10% into thinking she should have been a better wife? This thinking needs to stop. Even if you stay with her, she needs to be loved for who she is not some romanticized picture of what never was. 

You can't have a healthy authentic relationship if one of the people in that relationship chooses to see the other as something that they are not. She may even resent that. 

Seriously dude, you have had your revenge on that guy and you don't feel any better. Maybe it's time to deal with the person who made vows to you. Not saying exact revenge or anything but maybe she really isn't what you heart is telling you she is. Until you start seeing her realistically and seeing her affair for what it was, just some low class selfishness you are never going to heal. Because you are trying to believe the unbelievable. 

Life is short, it's hard to live the rest of your life feeling like you have been taken advantage of, especially when you have. But it's your life.

The first thing you need to do is start being realistic about your marriage. No everything is not wonderful you are in terrible pain?

Let me ask you what is it SO important that everything be great? What's that about?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@sokillme, you refer to an SI post -- url? OR, can you give a TL;DR summary here?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He has the same name on SI. Jimmy gave a pretty good summary of his experience anyway. I am sure if he stays around we will here more. I hope he does.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he is yet another man who blames the OM(he has taken revenge on him) but sees his wife as wonderful and who only cheated because he (the husband) wasn't being perfect at the time and the horrible evil OM took advantage and seduced the poor innocent lady. Hmmm, what a lot of rot, so wrong and so unhealthy. She was just as responsible and yet where are her consequences? The OM suffered it seems but she is still wonderful?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So he is yet another man who blames the OM(he has taken revenge on him) but sees his wife as wonderful and who only cheated because he (the husband) wasn't being perfect at the time and the horrible evil OM took advantage and seduced the poor innocent lady. Hmmm, what a lot of rot, so wrong and so unhealthy. She was just as responsible and yet where are her consequences? The OM suffered it seems but she is still wonderful?


Unfortunately yes, I think his story follows the patter of the KISA type. From reading his posts though I think he is starting to come around. 

This stuff is consistent though.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well Sir, They say misery loves company, and the house is full. 

Spouse's who deflect and denys never are complete or whole. And with your two year update of eating ****( your words). Proves the point, advice here that is given to so many betrayed spouses, when they accept the blame for their spouse have a side piece of tail. 

To, take their losses and move away from their spouse and move forward maybe is what's best, "This **** is hard!" Your words again. Should be a warning to those who attempt in futile results.

I don't see this as the hero sadly, but the opposite. Spouse's what you have come to believe is the lies and betrayal of a spouse. That somehow was to correct the infidilty. But " Trying to put the past in the past" doesn't doesn't pass the smell test does it. It seldom does. If it was on the way to a good reconciliation it would be different and not as hard as you are experiencing. Sure there would be the triggers, but framing it for oneself to be the reluctant cause of your cheating spouse. Still smells of rot.

If it were in the proper mind set would it not be in a giddy and head over heels in hysterical love. Knowing the triggers are meaningless because of your love for your spouse and the love she gives you in return. And at best the triggers are only a mild reminder of the past. But they are not. 

And to those who are contaplating reconciliation should read you post on SI. And see themselves more than likely in the same boat as you, knowing as much as they wanted to save the marriage the cost is personal self humiliation and the lack of fulfillment is never ending.

It is examples such as these to be a fore warning what the future holds. Taking the blame is never what it seems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think its sad when the BS takes it upon themselves most of the blame for the affair. I guess they have believed what the cheater told them, that it was apparently their fault and the OM's fault and not the cheaters. 
Its never the BS fault. The cheater made that choice, in this case several times, to have sex with another. Then they made that choice to leave their spouse in complete ignorance of their betrayal for 20 years and would still be keeping them in ignorance had the OP not questioned them further. 
All marriages go though difficult patches, many of us don't go out and cheat though, we remain faithful and work on things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> He has the same name on SI. Jimmy gave a pretty good summary of his experience anyway. I am sure if he stays around we will here more. I hope he does.


What is SI?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

I also know Jimmy1962 From him posting on SI. He’s made me laugh once or twice. I really do like the guy and his energy. He’s a good guy he was wrong and he wants redemption I don’t blame him. He is focused on the AP rather than his WW.! But it makes sense he loves his wife and I’m sure there’s a part of him that he’s afraid of losing her if he focuses on her part in it like we all think you should. She has even made comments such as “if he can’t get over it and move on from it” then she will be divorcing Jimmy1962 that’s kind of F up. It’s really good to see him here.!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sparta said:


> I also know Jimmy1962 From him posting on SI. He’s made me laugh once or twice. I really do like the guy and his energy. He’s a good guy he was wrong and he wants redemption I don’t blame him. He is focused on the AP rather than his WW.! But it makes sense he loves his wife and I’m sure there’s a part of him that he’s afraid of losing her if he focuses on her part in it like we all think you should. She has even made comments such as “if he can’t get over it and move on from it” then she will be divorcing Jimmy1962 that’s kind of F up. It’s really good to see him here.!


Wow, what she said is so manipulative and controlling and definitely NOT the words of a repentant cheater.
If he isn't in the position of being able to get over it and move on he isn't, its only been 2 years since he found out. He will end up burying his hurt and pain just to keep her, and that will have bad consequences further down the line.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I do think its sad when the BS takes it upon themselves most of the blame for the affair. I guess they have believed what the cheater told them, that it was apparently their fault and the OM's fault and not the cheaters.
> Its never the BS fault. The cheater made that choice, in this case several times, to have sex with another. Then they made that choice to leave their spouse in complete ignorance of their betrayal for 20 years and would still be keeping them in ignorance had the OP not questioned them further.
> All marriages go though difficult patches, many of us don't go out and cheat though, we remain faithful and work on things.


She said it was about her, not about OP. So Jimmy can stop blaming himself and thinking of things he should have done differently.

Of course it was about her, _she_ made the decision to cheat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I do think its sad when the BS takes it upon themselves most of the blame for the affair. I guess they have believed what the cheater told them, that it was apparently their fault and the OM's fault and not the cheaters.
> Its never the BS fault. The cheater made that choice, in this case several times, to have sex with another. Then they made that choice to leave their spouse in complete ignorance of their betrayal for 20 years and would still be keeping them in ignorance had the OP not questioned them further.
> All marriages go though difficult patches, many of us don't go out and cheat though, we remain faithful and work on things.


I have made the analogy before but if we all believe the premise that adultery is abuse then blaming your spouse for your cheating is like the guy with anger issues who blames his wife for nagging him when he beats her. It's total bull****. No one would stand for it, and we shouldn't stand for this as well. Maybe there were problems in the marriage, but as Jimmy tells it he didn't see them, her job was to tell him before she cheated or to end it. 

Besides all this was was a run of the mill midlife affair. Nothing else. By a women who had a pretty good husband who put her on a pedestal, became spoiled and entitled and who continues to be so. This happens all the time to KISA, their damsel becomes entitled and takes advantage of them. I also think they start to resent the inauthenticity of the dynamic of their relationship.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jimmy, I have to be honest - I had to stop reading all your threads over on SI because it was just the same story and the same obsessing over and over and over and over month after month after month after month, with no resolution at all.

And here it is two years later and you really don't seem to be doing much better.

Did you ever stop to think that just* maybe* it's because you're having a hard time DELUDING yourself that your wife belongs up on some pedestal and that you're the one who drove her to cheat on you? Don't you get tired of LYING to yourself and taking the blame for her **** behavior?

Why is it *impossible* for you put accountability on your wife's shoulders - where it belongs?

I guess world hunger is your fault, too? Climate change? Unrest in the Middle East? All your fault as well? 

You feel helpless because you have nowhere for your anger to go because you REFUSE to direct it at the one *who deserves it. *Time to take her down off her pedestal, Jimmy. It's _past_ time.

Your passivity is unattractive and makes you look weak and needy. It's time to take charge and call her out for her actions, Jimmy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot of BS's want/need it to be their fault so THEY can fix it. 

Hence the problem. Your wife made a very willing and consvious decision to cheat (it was 100%) her choice. The other man was only taking what she was freely giving. Therefore you can't fix this only she can.

In essence you've got yourself stuck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lack of intimacy, flowers and hand holding does not equate to a go ahead enjoy an affair. Stop blaming yourself. Your wife should have stated what she felt was missing so you could fix it. Poor choice your wife made.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> A lot of BS's want/need it to be their fault so THEY can fix it.
> 
> Hence the problem. Your wife made a very willing and consvious decision to cheat (it was 100%) her choice. The other man was only taking what she was freely giving. Therefore you can't fix this only she can.
> 
> In essence you've got yourself stuck.


I think this is true. Jimmy thank about this. Maybe you are desperately trying to make this your fault because then you can have some control over it. Maybe for you it's easier to think that you made some mistake and if you JUST don't make it again then there is no chance that she will cheat again. I get it it's scary to realize that your life is at the mercy of who you choose to marry.

But that is not the lesson, the lesson is to do everything you can and get to a point that you will be OK without anyone. Then you can make decisions from point of strength, you can tell people who treat you like crap to go to hell and move on with your life. 

So I know I invited you here, and by now you are probably realizing we are not SI, we are being much harsher on you then would be allowed on the other site. But maybe you need that. Maybe it's why you are not getting better.

How about you try to dialog with us.


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## Stryder (Feb 15, 2018)

I’ve read Jimmy’s posts over on SI. How is the advice here any different than what he’s heard there? There’s nothing in this thread that wasn't suggested there. 

Here: 

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=641065&HL=59923

As well as here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639287&HL=59923

Sokillme, you always post here about how wrong they get it there and how things are so different on TAM - but SI simply has more voices (by sheer numbers) and members are expected to post respectfully and constructively (meaning don’t be a mean **** just to be a mean ****). 

Jimmy’s just looking for the magic answer - the silver bullet to make this feel better. He still hasn’t reached acceptance because his codependency keeps getting in the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jimmy1962 I would suggest counselling for yourself and your wife as individuals and as a couple, too.

You need help to get through this.

Oh, yes. You are responsible for not buying her flowers taking her for walks. But she is responsible for cheating on you and also cheating on your daughter and for exposing you to the risk of STDs.

If you see your marriage as a set of scales, your wife's pan is weighed down whilst your pan isn't.

How can see help you get by what she did?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stryder said:


> I’ve read Jimmy’s posts over on SI. How is the advice here any different than what he’s heard there? There’s nothing in this thread that wasn't suggested there.
> 
> Here:
> 
> ...


Yeah, but I do not give an ethereal example of carnal congress what happens on other sites like SI. :rofl:

Referencing what someone who might or might not be someone who is a member on TAM who is possibly the same person on another site really might not be of value because the majority of people on TAM don't read SI or any other marriage/relationship sites.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> A lot of BS's want/need it to be their fault so THEY can fix it.
> 
> Hence the problem. Your wife made a very willing and consvious decision to cheat (it was 100%) her choice. The other man was only taking what she was freely giving. Therefore you can't fix this only she can.
> 
> In essence you've got yourself stuck.





sokillme said:


> I think this is true. Jimmy thank about this. Maybe you are desperately trying to make this your fault because then you can have some control over it. Maybe for you it's easier to think that you made some mistake and if you JUST don't make it again then there is no chance that she will cheat again. I get it it's scary to realize that your life is at the mercy of who you choose to marry.
> 
> But that is not the lesson, the lesson is to do everything you can and get to a point that you will be OK without anyone. Then you can make decisions from point of strength, you can tell people who treat you like crap to go to hell and move on with your life.
> 
> ...


Agree 100% that this is probably about BS focusing on what he can fix, instead of his wife, whom he doesn't want to see in a bad light. I kind of get this. He doesn't want to shatter the image of the wife of his dreams. The easiest way to do that is to take the blame himself. I am not absolutely certain that this is always the wrong thing to do. If it was truly a one-off thing, if there is no pattern of behavior to suspect the WW might have been capable of such things other times, why not. Trouble is, being able to think like this makes one extremely susceptible to manipulation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Agree 100% that this is probably about BS focusing on what he can fix, instead of his wife, whom he doesn't want to see in a bad light. I kind of get this. He doesn't want to shatter the image of the wife of his dreams. The easiest way to do that is to take the blame himself. I am not absolutely certain that this is always the wrong thing to do. If it was truly a one-off thing, if there is no pattern of behavior to suspect the WW might have been capable of such things other times, why not. Trouble is, being able to think like this makes one extremely susceptible to manipulation.


I tend to see it a little differently. For instance you mention that there is no patter to suspect but I wonder. I feel the type of guy who puts his wife on that high of a pedestal isn't going to allow himself to see his wife's patterns. I think it's interesting that there seems to be this archetype of guy who is very successful (what most would call an alpha type) in his business, probably in other male dominated endeavors such as sports and life. He marries the trophy wife. and sees her as perfect, to fit along with his vision of himself, but he always also sees her as naive almost to the point of infantilizing her. 

She then cheats on him in a very callous and deliberate manner. It's very clear from those of us on the outside that this women was not tricked or duped but was a happily active participant and it may not even be her first rodeo. It' clear that she wanted to do this wholeheartedly. Sometimes the wives even say as much after the fact, yet the husband refuses to see it and places all the anger and blame on the OM. The other man is seen as this Machiavellian who stole their wife's innocence. They are also quick to take the blame for the affair. If they were just more attentive or a better husband it never would have happened. Those of us who think that is bull**** just don't understand that it was convergence of the cunning other man and how bad a husband they were, not that there wife was a tramp. 

I think for these guys it's much easier to take the blame for it then it is to admit that they don't have control of the situation and they never did. They are all about control. Which is a part of the KISA tendencies, often times that is a kind of hedging of a bet, in the sense that the KISA does a lot of his sacrificial stuff to try to ensure that he is loved. It's almost passive aggressive. For these guys need and are used to have control over everything, their business and their life, but to not have control over what amounts to the biggest interpersonal relationship they have, that is too much to face. That would mean this allusion that they have set up in their mind about their marriage and their wives, even themselves would be just that, a figment of their imagination. That right there would be just a bridge too far.

Frankly I think being and allusion, a kind of affectation might cause a lot of resentment in the wives. The whole thing with KISA types is they are not authentic. Not that that is any justification for cheating. I do feel the wives become entitled, but I wonder if they also long for their husbands to see them as who they are and not some barbie. 

Now I'm not saying that is Jimmy situation but it is interesting that there is definitely and archetype and precedence for this kind of thing non the less. It's not the first time we have read the same kind of story and the same kind of self blame. I wonder if there is a little of this and that is why even though it's obvious to all of ud that Jimmy is quick to take the blame even though he will protest that he not. 

But what do I know, I am just some guy posting on a board.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stryder said:


> Sokillme, you always post here about how wrong they get it there and how things are so different on TAM - but SI simply has more voices (by sheer numbers) and members are expected to post respectfully and constructively (meaning don’t be a mean **** just to be a mean ****).


My problem with SI is specifically to do with the Reconciliation board and how they segregate reality from that board by only allowing those trying to R to post on it. It sets up a kind of echo chamber of misery. In that way it truly is surviving and ONLY surviving infidelity. 

Very often I recommend and send WS to that board as I think there are some really great posters over there, though I wish they posted here as they would probably get some good insight from us as well. I would love to talk to Hikeitout or whatever her name is. 

The other boards, Divorce and JFO are also pretty good. Though they are way too quick to ban people tho don't follow the party line, though since the founder passed away that has been less so.


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## Stryder (Feb 15, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Stryder said:
> 
> 
> > Sokillme, you always post here about how wrong they get it there and how things are so different on TAM - but SI simply has more voices (by sheer numbers) and members are expected to post respectfully and constructively (meaning don’t be a mean **** just to be a mean ****).
> ...


But that’s not true. Anyone can post in that forum. There are many divorced members who reply to threads there. Im sure many choose not too because they have no experience with reconciliation. But members with unremorseful waywards (yet continue to believe they are in R) are told their waywards are not deserving of R all the time. No one wants to see a BS continue to be screwed over by a lying manipulator. What they have to do in that forum is post constructively (Found on the description of the R forum). People can’t just post about what an ******* a WS is. They have to offer advice. Many of us don’t have that experience and so can’t offer help. 

But do you see how your fixed mindset is based on flawed information? Hate the site for things that are true - not mistaken beliefs.

Regarding the party line - there are rules that are clearly stated. People scream DIVORCE there all the time. They don’t get banned. Mean ****s get banned. Rule breakers get banned. Hurt people who get off on hurting other people for kicks get banned. I was banned for getting snarky with a mod when I’d been told for the 10th time to stop calling the OW a ***** in the R forum. I just couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t follow the rule about that. I didn’t understand the rule (why it existed). Now that I’m years out from my WS’s cheating - I can see why they have that rule. I wish I hadn’t been a ***** to the mod at the time. thats on me, not the site.

Hey SKM - if SI isn’t your cup of tea that fine. Thankfully we have options. But I always cringe a bit reading the bashing that goes on here that I don’t read there about TAM. Its frustrating to read this stuff that’s not true. There was a member here that cried about being banned there, and yet I could see he was still an active member over there! How can he be banned yet posting and arguing there? Yet everyone piled on the hate, assuming he was telling the truth and was really banned.

It’s not a competition. Read and post where you get the most meaningful help or where you’re most comfortable. Lord knows there’s enough infidelity for both sites to vetch over.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Stryder said:


> But that’s not true. Anyone can post in that forum. There are many divorced members who reply to threads there. Many choose not too because they have no experience with reconciliation. But members with unremorseful waywards (yet continue to believe they are in R) are told their waywards are not deserving of R. No one wants to see a BS continue to be screwed over by a lying manipulator. What members must do in that forum is post constructively. Members can’t just post about what an ******* a WS is. They have to offer advice. Many of us don’t have that experience and so don’t offer help.
> 
> But do you see how your fixed mindset is based on flawed information? Hate the site for things that are true - not mistaken beliefs.
> 
> ...


I think that site does more bad then good when it comes to R. People get banned all the time, many times for just speaking the truth in a way that makes others uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with competition but that site consistently gives bad advice when it comes to people suffering in bad marriages and I feel it i set up to do just that. The person who cried probably was banned from one of the subs not the board itself but who knows. 

For example I think the consensus here would be a little different if Jimmy had made the same post on this board as the first link you posted of his on SI. I think we would be telling him that he feels like a loser because he is staying with someone who was and still is cruel to him. I don't think we would spend a lot of time talking about his feelings. 

Look you know and I know there is no way I would be able to write, "Maybe your spouse is just an *******" over there or "Lots of people who try to R are desperately making a mistake and are probably end up with unhealthy unhappy lives" or "Sometime the act of R is so demeaning that it is almost immoral and certainly giving advice to do so IS immoral", (that's one that I believe wholeheartedly and get a lot of flack for here) and not get banned. I do appreciate that I would be able to write the word ******* there without a bunch of asterisks to hide it though. Ironic. 

In fact I think I got banned for just that very thing. I was on the R board and I suggested to someone poor soul that they were probably were wasting their time and if their spouse had not changed in years they were never going to. I didn't couch it with "you think you might be making a mistake" because in my opinion the time for couching words seem to be over after years. Sometimes bluntness is needed. Not on SI it seems. 

Like I said the WW side can be good depending on the response I really like some of those posters. But the idea that you have to experience something to have an opinion of it is stupid on just it's premise as some times an outside perspective may be an even better source of wisdom especially when you are dealing with the damage that this kind of trauma can do. 

Look if you like the site great. I personally think SurvivingInfideliy does exactly what it's name says, it helps people survive but many times not thrive. In my mind plain truth is needed many times even more then kindness. I think most people who are cheated on need to be empowered even more then they need to be comforted. 

We can agree to disagree until you get banned, and you probably will eventually. >

Lets stop the threadjack I don't want to get banned here either, we have had SI threads on here before if you want to find one of those I am sure people will post in it. Maybe even Walloped will show up as he does time to time when he is slumming.

All I know is just a few days ago there is a BS who admitted that at the very least the guy his wife was cheating on him with was aiming to kill him, cops involved and everything. He was sure his wife had no idea though. Then someone else actually told him how strong he was for trying to take her back. Now this premise is a joke I often make to try to point out the absurdity of some of the thinking when it comes to advice about staying with people who abuse you. _OP: My wife shot me but she is really sorry now and cries. Poster: Seems like a good candidate._ But now I have truly seen it all now. 

That kind of nonsense would never be allowed on here without getting called our for the nonsense it is. I know because I would be the first to call it such. There is nothing strong or noble about that it's foolhardy an stupid. That poster is not thinking in his right mind and someone needs to say so. You probably know the post I am writing about. I dare you to write that sentence I just wrote as a reply on there. Lets see if you get called out and banned. 

Anyway I think OP has left the building, I suspect we were too blunt for him. But maybe he will take some time to think about what most of us are saying.


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## Stryder (Feb 15, 2018)

I suspect Jimmy is doing here what he does there. He is looking for a magic bullet to make this easier. Doesn’t exist though. Jimmy will need to either come to accept that the **** sandwich will always taste like poop or he’ll tire of not being able to accept it and divorce. The time it takes to reach that decision sucks either way, no matter how quick or long it takes.

And SKM, You missed the part where I admitted I’d been banned already a long time ago. I broke the rules and was a **** to the mod though. I was pretty upset it about it for a long time, and then I owned my **** and realized it was my own fault. I started reading again once I got a new computer that didn’t trigger their system. I haven’t read the thread you’re referring to though. I’m beyond the JFO stuff. I’ll take a look for it though.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I told you over there, if you can't forgive then divorce. Same obsessing, same advice, same ignoring advice. She wanted to **** him, she ****ed him, and you can't let it go. So divorce her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jimmy1962 I have moved your thread to CWI.

I hope you get the help you need here.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Jimmy is out plotting his next revenge attack on AP while his wife is at home rugsweeping her A with little to no consequences. This has been the same story I have followed of SI for years.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

@Jimmy1962 I suggest filing for D. and getting your sanity back.
It's a wonderful feeling!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Jimmy1962

Yeah, it’s hard, but keep in mind the average recovery is two to five years. What has your wife done, is she remorseful, what did she learn in therapy? You said they talked about nothing, sex had no connection, yet they slept together five times. Have you explained this to her? Have you explained that some guy comes and talks to her about nothing and she drops her pants and gives her all to him? Five times, if it wasn’t good why keep going back? These are just two difficult questions and views from you that she must be told. It’s not shaming her, she did that, but she has to know your true feelings and views to have a successful reconciliation. I see very hard work in your future, with one change of thought being what you could have done different. By saying that you are taking blame for a situation you had no control over. Learn that this choice was hers completely, what you should be asking her is why she made that choice time and time again.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's the time to face realities, once in the position and pleasure was felt by her, and already compromised her virtue, Jimmy how's that even possible that to the very least of anything less than full submission to the OM, she surrendered to him willingly and completely on the occasions they met. As a man l knowing that when the panties come off so do the inhibitions that stop anything but full and complete task at hand. ENGLISH::: They got it on and more than once but only believing 5 times.

Sorry, but just a bit too passive of a belief, no one disbelieves your pain. It just seems that you do. And wishing it all to go away. Just doesn't work, unless it's rugswept, and l don't think you can either, is why you are stuck. I don't have your strength to rugsweep, handle it or it will handle you.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

@Jimmy1962 

I'll make this short and sweet. As someone who himself found out earlier this year about his W's EA from a few years ago, let me tell you some things you HAVE TO DO If you want healing. 

1. Take her down off of that pedestal. She's human, and has flaws. 

2. She must shoulder the blame. Unless she was raped 5 times, she was more than willing and able, and despite her protests- she enjoyed it. Adults don't generally do things they don't like if they they don't have to do them. She had the power here. 

3. As an addendum to #2, stop blaming yourself. Yes, you are responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for the affair.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maybe some perspective can help.....
{Quote} Faithful Wife.,......

Letting arousal happen when sex isn’t going to happen is just frustrating.


Just for your context.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I am closing this thread. The OP has not returned since he posted the thread. 
@Jimmy1962 if you return and would like to have your thread re-opened, please contact one of the moderators.


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