# Did i push wife too far.



## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Hi folks.You`ll all have to be patient with me because i`ve never posted on any forum before.(still wet behind the ears as they say).
I have been spending an obscene amount of time at this site over the last few weeks. trying to get my head around my current situation and the real threat of divorce, which it seems now is only a matter of time before the papers fall through the letterbox.
My situation is this...I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 9.we have two kids 15 and 12.Although we have had ups and down throughout,I generally thought that things where pretty good, until the sex started to get less and less over the last two years.I became more and more frustrated.She came up with more excuses,and in the end it was like making out with a piece of wood.NO feeling of intimacy from her.I was lucky if she would kiss me, or even hold me.Then around 6 weeks ago I get the dreaded,I still have feelings for you but I don`t love you any more.
I asked her is someone else involved and she assures me that there is not.But is she only saying that because the kids would not want to speak to her if there was.I have a good relationship with them both and they both understand that i didnt want any of this.So why is she trying to destry our family????


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

That is one of natures greatest mysteries Im afraid M o t Edge.
Only she can actually tell you what is going on in her head. We of course can sumise but we cannot be accurate.

If youve had the "no feelings" statement and by the look into your statement you feel there is someone(s) else somewhere you need to firstly gain legal advice. This is because frequently when this ILYBNILWY comes out the other party has had some discussion somewhere and may well have a plan in waiting. Get yourself some good advice, especially where your children are concerned. 

If you do find that there is someone in waiting they need to know - its only fair across all parties. This is because they may well see your wife as the one they least want to be with in this and you will have to protect them from any fall out.
Once you have the advice then aim at the truth. You may want to discuss MC for instance but if shes made a differing life for herself she may not want any of this but just to move on.

Good luck with it


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

How old are your children? If they are young, what business do you have discussing your love life with them?


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Thanks Pault for your reply.I have explained that i was willing to go to any length in order for us to remain a family.but the answer i got was that things had gone too far and she wasnt willing to go any further
To say I am devestated and the kids are is just an understatment.
Can I also say that I have had no real reason at this point as to why this has happened now.only that my wife has had enough.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

man on the edge said:


> Then around 6 weeks ago I get the dreaded,I still have feelings for you but I don`t love you any more.


The dreaded, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY) talk. You're at DEFCON 1 now.



> I asked her is someone else involved and she assures me that there is not.But is she only saying that because the kids would not want to speak to her if there was.I have a good relationship with them both and they both understand that i didnt want any of this.So why is she trying to destry our family????


The most common reason for a woman to give the ILYBINILWY speech is because there is another man in the picture. Maybe she's not having a physical affair, yet. But there's probably a man that she, at a minimum, has her eye on and imagines a future with.

You need to figure out what you're dealing with. Check her phone messages and usage. Check her email and Facebook history. Check her credit card statements for unusual items, like hotel rooms and lingerie.

If necessary, you may want to put spyware on her phone, a keylogger on her computer, and/or a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car.

You should never expect a cheater to admit an affair until she is caught red-handed. That is the time she will come clean. And she will likely swear that it was only the one time you know about. So you need to investigate this for yourself and stop asking her.

In the meantime, go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and start running the Marriage Action Plan (MAP).

Also, go to The Healing Heart: The 180 and run the 180. Sometimes, a preview of a life without your support and the thought that you might actually be pulling yourself together to be more attractive, can motivate a walk-away wife to recommit to the marriage.

Good luck.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

man on the edge said:


> Hi folks.You`ll all have to be patient with me because i`ve never posted on any forum before.(still wet behind the ears as they say).
> I have been spending an obscene amount of time at this site over the last few weeks. trying to get my head around my current situation and the real threat of divorce, which it seems now is only a matter of time before the papers fall through the letterbox.
> My situation is this...I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 9.we have two kids 15 and 12.Although we have had ups and down throughout,I generally thought that things where pretty good, until the sex started to get less and less over the last two years.I became more and more frustrated.She came up with more excuses,and in the end it was like making out with a piece of wood.NO feeling of intimacy from her.I was lucky if she would kiss me, or even hold me.Then around 6 weeks ago I get the dreaded,I still have feelings for you but I don`t love you any more.
> I asked her is someone else involved and she assures me that there is not.But is she only saying that because the kids would not want to speak to her if there was.I have a good relationship with them both and they both understand that i didnt want any of this.So why is she trying to destry our family????



First, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. After 17 years together, this is the LAST place you thought you would be.

Why do people do what they do? OH the reasons can be plenty, but their motivations are generally summed up in one word. Selfish. We want what we want and some people will do what they think they have to in order to get it. She's unhappy, and she should tell you why. She owes you an explanation after all of these years together. 

If I were you I wouldn't let her get away with the ILYBNILWY speech. It's bull. It's disrespectful and dismissive. You are entitled to know why your marriage has fallen apart. Go to her and tell her you want more than that because an "I don't love you anymore" isn't going to cut it. You want to know WHY. You need to know WHY in order to move forward.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Thanks PHTlump.for your advice.It seems all of a sudden I have many things to think about and much advice to take on board.When I was told ILYBINILWY I had to leave the family home and have gone to spend time with my mother.Just couldnt be in the same house..I dont have access anymore either as she has changed the locks.Also it will not be possible to see phone records etc because i dont know passwords etc.But lets just say that i have a sixth sence that there could be at the very least a EA in progress


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

man on the edge said:


> Thanks PHTlump.for your advice.It seems all of a sudden I have many things to think about and much advice to take on board.When I was told ILYBINILWY I had to leave the family home and have gone to spend time with my mother.Just couldnt be in the same house..I dont have access anymore either as she has changed the locks.Also it will not be possible to see phone records etc because i dont know passwords etc.But lets just say that i have a sixth sence that there could be at the very least a EA in progress


WHAT??!! She can't do that. What she did is illegal. 

You better get your rear end back into your home. She has no right to lock you out of it. 

Why are you letting her run you over with a mack truck??


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get back in your house now!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She can't change the locks. It's still your house and the big mistake you made was leaving. 

Your being made to pay for her wrong doings. If she says that "ILYBINILWY", then you tell her to leave and not to come back unless she want's to either fix the marriage or come clean. 

My advice is to let her know that your coming back and if need be, call the police and let them tell her to open the door. She has no right preventing you from living there. I would also get a VAR and carry it with me so there is no way she can make false accusations against you. 

She's the one at fault, not you so let her pay for it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So move back in. She can't keep you out of the marital home. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities. Financially, what is your situation (for both of you)?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

The WAW works at the local hospital and over the last 5-6 mths has been going to work looking vsmart. ive been working way too many hours and spent little or no time at home.this was to pay for a lifestyle i think we could not afford.Always seemed to be buying new clothes etc.racking up debt...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> She can't change the locks. It's still your house and the big mistake you made was leaving.
> 
> Your being made to pay for her wrong doings. If she says that "ILYBINILWY", then you tell her to leave and not to come back unless she want's to either fix the marriage or come clean.
> 
> ...


Call the police she has to give you a set of keys.
Carry a var on you also.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

How old are you both?

What sort of physical shape are you and she in?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

man on the edge said:


> The WAW works at the local hospital and over the last 5-6 mths has been going to work looking vsmart. ive been working way too many hours and spent little or no time at home.this was to pay for a lifestyle i think we could not afford.Always seemed to be buying new clothes etc.racking up debt...


Well she has to look good for the Doc she's trying to bang (or is).

Get back in your house and stop allowing her to play these games with you. Her actions are so aggressive it's hard NOT to believe another man is in the picture.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Thanks guys...I dont think that i could live under the same roof.Its much easier for me emotionally to stay where I am at moment.i have been to see doctor and got time off work while I deal with things.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

man on the edge said:


> Thanks guys...I dont think that i could live under the same roof.Its much easier for me emotionally to stay where I am at moment.i have been to see doctor and got time off work while I deal with things.


That is as may be but she has no business changing the locks so you don't even have access to what is yours. Please see a lawyer and check your specific rights.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

to tryingtobebetter..im in pretty good shape and so is she infact she has lost even more weight just lately but tells me its stress induced..she is very atractive about 5.. 8 and a size 8 Myself 6 1 and slim tto ave build
Just thought that I better mention that I am48yrs and she is 39yrs


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Sorry guys I will have to resume in a few hours time I have a few things I need to do but will be back online soon
With many thanks to you all for your thoughts
Thanks again MotE


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

man on the edge said:


> Thanks PHTlump.for your advice.It seems all of a sudden I have many things to think about and much advice to take on board.


Many of us have been where you are, found help here, and are just trying to pay it forward. Learn from us. This is not the time for trial and error.



> When I was told ILYBINILWY I had to leave the family home and have gone to spend time with my mother.Just couldnt be in the same house..I dont have access anymore either as she has changed the locks.


As others have said, it's illegal for her to just kick you out and change the locks. Also, you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You leaving for a few nights is fine. But, if you move out and stay gone, you may well have ceded the house to her in any divorce. If you want to do that in a divorce settlement, that's fine. But you shouldn't establish that situation by accident without understanding what you're doing.

I also don't recommend calling the police. Talk to your lawyer about getting back in. You telling her that your lawyer told you she can't keep you locked out may be enough. But getting the police involved is almost never a good thing for the husband. Some jurisdictions, by law, automatically take the husband to jail in any domestic dispute. Regardless of whether it is violent. Some criminal lawyers advise men not to call the police, even if THEY are the ones being assaulted by their wives.



> But lets just say that i have a sixth sence that there could be at the very least a EA in progress


Unless you are a naturally paranoid person, you should trust your gut about this. If she is cheating, it will be difficult for you to turn her attention back to you without cutting the other man out of the picture first.

Post on the Coping With Infidelity forum to get ideas on how to proceed. Basically, you should try to find out who the other man is. If he's married, you can expose the affair to his wife. That will end a good many affairs on its own. Most married affair partners will instantly throw their partner under the bus when the affair is exposed to spouses.

However, your wife has progressed to talk of divorce. So her affair partner may be single, or also discussing divorce. So I wouldn't count on that.

I would also expose the affair to her family. Family condemnation can knock some walk away wives out of their fog. If she works with the other man, you could discuss the issue with HR at her employer. Sometimes, employers will threaten termination of employment for adulterous workers.

Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Many of us have been where you are, found help here, and are just trying to pay it forward. Learn from us. This is not the time for trial and error.
> 
> 
> As others have said, it's illegal for her to just kick you out and change the locks. Also, you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You leaving for a few nights is fine. But, if you move out and stay gone, you may well have ceded the house to her in any divorce. If you want to do that in a divorce settlement, that's fine. But you shouldn't establish that situation by accident without understanding what you're doing.
> ...


You will need a lawyer to subpoena the phone records most likely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

The medical field is a hotspot for cheating. I've been down almost exactly the same road with my W that you have, and I know where it ends. Follow the advice given, and although it may be a snake-pit at home, you have to get back in there so you don't legally cede the house and kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What is he supposed to expose to her family or employer? That his spidey sense is tingling? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I'm so sorry to read your story.

Can I ask what happened 2 years ago when the sex started to lessen?

I've known of several WAW. Some have had a man waiting for them but honestly some were just totally checked out of the marriage and waiting for the separation to become a physical one...which yours has now.

In the situations I know of there were issues in the marriage, lots of arguing *but no resolution* and then the wife checks out...no more arguing, no more emotional outbursts.... in fact peace reigns for a while.

The hubby thinks great we're not arguing she must be happy now but then he notices the sex and affection has also stopped/lessened.

The disconnect continues until one of the couple leave...usually the female (in the situations I know of).
My sister was one...she was on her own for 2 years before she dated... 

OP are the two of you doing marriage counselling? Or doing anything proactive to repair/save your marriage?


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

Man on edge

Sorry to hear about your wife. 

You have not given too many details of your married life. Just wondering if your wife is a nurse. 

Also, I don't know all the acronyms yet. What does WAW mean?


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> That is as may be but she has no business changing the locks so you don't even have access to what is yours. Please see a lawyer and check your specific rights.


Hi guys.Sorry about the interuption.Ifeel that i must seek legal advice just to check my rights.she seems to be walking all over me at the moment....doormat springs to mind.i have done nothing wrong to justify this..?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

man on the edge said:


> Hi guys.Sorry about the interuption.Ifeel that i must seek legal advice just to check my rights.she seems to be walking all over me at the moment....doormat springs to mind.i have done nothing wrong to justify this..?


You are handling this all wrong. Moving out is abandonment and can give her the home and the majority of custody of your kids. 
Unless she hates you for doing something to her, then changing the locks is a very bad sign that she is not letting you back in the home. She has no rights to do this. 
Her attitude, lack of explanation, and change of locks, tells me she is having an affair, or she hates your guts, or both.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

talk123 said:


> Man on edge
> 
> Sorry to hear about your wife.
> 
> ...


The WAW Want Away Wife,workes as a research sister,working closely with doctors and consultants about future treatment of patients.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Many of us have been where you are, found help here, and are just trying to pay it forward. Learn from us. This is not the time for trial and error.
> 
> 
> As others have said, it's illegal for her to just kick you out and change the locks. Also, you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You leaving for a few nights is fine. But, if you move out and stay gone, you may well have ceded the house to her in any divorce. If you want to do that in a divorce settlement, that's fine. But you shouldn't establish that situation by accident without understanding what you're doing.
> ...


What makes me think that it could be a co worker is that she does not drive..so that the time she has to have an affair is very limited because of the kids
they normally set off for school the same time she goes to work.
But she does not have a set routine upon leaving work to go home.this gives her sometimes hours to spend as she wishes but with no or little suspition being arroused.I was normally the first to leave on a morning and the last to come home..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You ask "Did I push wife too far?" and yet give no information on what kind of pushing you did. So, how did you push her?

People can't help you if you're not willing to divulge.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Blondilocks raises a good question.

This woman changed the locks of the house on you. That was drastic.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

another thing i need to mention is that i received a letter from her solicitor warning that i should stay away from the family home and her place of employment...
I had been seen driving off on occations. 
Looking for clues was what i was doing...again that sixth sence


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So basically you have a restraining order against you?


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You ask "Did I push wife too far?" and yet give no information on what kind of pushing you did. So, how did you push her?
> 
> People can't help you if you're not willing to divulge.


More her words than mine.because she just couldnt take anymore.
I have over the years tried to do all that i possibly could to keep harmony within the home.ive tried to understand that life is simply not just a bed of roses. and if you need to work on a marriage then thats what you have to do..
Ive had some issues but i have tried to make it work.The biggest was alcohol.ive been a fool to myself by trying to find the answers in the bottom of a bottle many times and over many years..this in itself had led to many argument.but i always felt that my oppinion didnt seem to matter.can a man not have a drink when he comes home from working a 15hrs shift.i was only trying to chill.she always looked down on me for this.even though i tried to stop drinking many times


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> So basically you have a restraining order against you?


No this is just a letter asking me to keep away it has no legal right in england.For her to get a restraining order she would have to apply to the courts..

Also she would have to give valid reason to make it happen...but that is so easy over her,you only have to say you feel threatened..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you're an alcoholic, no, you can't have a drink to chill.

No one enjoys living with a drunk.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So she's fed up with your drinking?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

man on the edge said:


> No this is just a letter asking me to keep away it has no legal right in england.For her to get a restraining order she would have to apply to the courts..
> 
> Also she would have to give valid reason to make it happen...but that is so easy over her,you only have to say you feel threatened..


Not wanting to live with a drunk IMO is a valid reason. Especially if you become violent and/or intolerable company after the drinking starts.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> So she's fed up with your drinking?


Yes but the majority of the time it was only a few drinks before bed. I had to be up for work early in the morning.as i drive for a living.It was mainly on a weekend that i would take it to another level..but isnt that what many other people do.you have to understand that i could not jeopardise my job just for the sake of drinking too much.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Not wanting to live with a drunk IMO is a valid reason. Especially if you become violent and/or intolerable company after the drinking starts.


I have never and will never be violent towards my wife or children.the drink was a way of chilling down not getting wound up..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

man on the edge said:


> Yes but the majority of the time it was only a few drinks before bed. I had to be up for work early in the morning.as i drive for a living.It was mainly on a weekend that i would take it to another level..but isnt that what many other people do.you have to understand that i could not jeopardise my job just for the sake of drinking too much.


Well maybe it's too much for her? She can't understand it. She doesn't want to. She wants you to stop and you say you've tried and can't. What message does that send to her?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation and that you are here.

To be fair, many people on this board have great (not so great) experience to share and to help others in a similar situation.

To benefit from this, you have to be as open and honest as possible (and its the internet so go wild).

Not to kick you when you are down, however even though you don't see your drinking as a problem, maybe there was one? Just asking.

Are there other things that happened in the relationship that would be important to know?

Often times people will give all the details of their situation and everyone gives out a bit of advice based on that....then a "bombshell" is dropped...oh, by the way..etc....that changes the entire picture.

Hope it works out for you. Good luck.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

On many occations i used the drink as a way of escape.she would have that look on her face as if to say your not coming anywhere near me. she would go to bed and leave me sat on my own...sex only ever happened on the weekend mornings.if at all..ther was always just another excuse that i hadnt heard before..


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Noble1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation and that you are here.
> 
> To be fair, many people on this board have great (not so great) experience to share and to help others in a similar situation.
> 
> ...


I think it was good to understand that I was HD and that my wife seemed to be LD.But as ive aged i think i had to deal with this rejection differently over time.It was always on my mind are we truly compatible.but i hoped that my feelings toward her would evetually subside and therfore put us back on a more even keel


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Since your wife already has a solicitor, and wants to keep you away from your home and children, you absolutely need your own solicitor to play hardball. Invest in some recording devices to refute any accusations of violence she may cook up. Any time you and she are in the same place, record the entire interaction and be ready to hand it over to your solicitor.

Good luck.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Since your wife already has a solicitor, and wants to keep you away from your home and children, you absolutely need your own solicitor to play hardball. Invest in some recording devices to refute any accusations of violence she may cook up. Any time you and she are in the same place, record the entire interaction and be ready to hand it over to your solicitor.
> 
> Good luck.


Thanks for the advice. I must get myself a VAR. I was even thinking of leaving one in the family home.just incase it led to any clues of any OM..
She was also very secretive with her mobile.texting at all time but never giving away any info..or just to say it was her mum or female friends..


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Blondilocks raises a good question.
> 
> This woman changed the locks of the house on you. That was drastic.


Yes this was done on the second day after i left the home..


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

man on the edge said:


> Yes this was done on the second day after i left the home..


Also after no more than two weeks apart she started divorce proceedings.Has moved all of the household bills to a separate account.and left me with nothing but debt.and no money to live on
Also that if we do not come to an arrangement for maintenance she will talk to the CSA for a maximum payment
Suddernly I find myself with NO wife and KIDS NO Home (now living with mother) with a ton of debt as my only companion..WTF...Were do i go from here


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

man on the edge said:


> Also after no more than two weeks apart she started divorce proceedings.Has moved all of the household bills to a separate account.and left me with nothing but debt.and no money to live on
> Also that if we do not come to an arrangement for maintenance she will talk to the CSA for a maximum payment
> Suddernly I find myself with NO wife and KIDS NO Home (now living with mother) with a ton of debt as my only companion..WTF...Were do i go from here


You go to a solicitor. You can probably undo everything she has done. Also, change your banking arrangements immediately.

Get a bank account in your name only and deposit your salary into that account. Keep meticulous records of all money that is used for joint benefit since the day she started divorce proceedings.

And don't balk at her demands. Yes, the courts are stacked against you. But, your solicitor can give you advice to protect your interests, rather than just aid your wife in screwing you hard and fast.

This link is American, but the concepts probably apply in the UK.
Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

Good luck.


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## man on the edge (Oct 29, 2013)

Thanks PHTlump..Some sound advice..Ihave much work to do..
Until another day..
Many thanks to all who have posted.
Thanks MotE


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Get you a$$ back in YOUR house ! NOW !! She as ZERO legal rights to either kick you out or especially change locks. 

She is almost certainly cheating on you. 

Dressing up better for work, gave you the dreaded ILYBINILWY crap, and of course stopped having sex and does not want any affection from you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Stop blaming yourself. If there was a problem then two adults should be able to solve it. What she did was take the chicken $h!t way out and I have a feeling there's a reason and the reason is another man.

When she starts getting real private with her phone and is very secretive, then she is hiding something. 

Find an attorney and start fighting back.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Im resident VAR goon. Buy only sony. Get an icdpx312 or icdpx333. Use 44k bit rate. Vor on. Meeting mode. Buy lithium batteries. Posters have had 25 hour recordings.

Need clean up or boost of the resulting file pm me.

Sorry you are here.

Best advice is get them in the house then leave for a while during the evening.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

man on the edge said:


> Were do i go from here


A solicitor's office


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