# I think my husband is a sex addict.



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I'm new but I have things to say and I have nowhere to go with this. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years now. Both second marriages for us. I should have seen the warning signs before we got married. I should have known in "intimate" conversations when he told me about him having different women every night at his old house. I should have said something about the email that I got from a woman that we were supposed to have a threesome with that she told me they met for lunch alone "which he said he would never do" and that she felt bad that they kissed and he "played with her woman spot". I should have done something before and now I feel like this is what I get for not having done anything. I knew he was a very sexual person before we got married. He liked a lot of different things. He liked that I was bisexual and gave me the impression that we could do that sometimes. I didn't know that he would put up numerous ads on craigslist "looking for a long term relationship" with us. He ruined that for me. I don't even like sex at all now with anyone. He emails and texts these females all the time and when I say anything, his reply is that he doesn't want to bring me into the conversations until he knows that they are real and are serious about meeting us. Now how do I know that he's not meeting them on his lunch breaks still? I found out that he kissed a girl that he has been long time friends with and she was in the process of a divorce and we were all just hanging out a few times either at her place or ours and then I found text messages about all she had to do was say the word and he would move away with her. We have kids!! Really? She since got back with her husband and has blocked both of our phone numbers and Facebook's. He told me that because I didn't notice. I found more texts the other day with a woman he works with and was saying some crude things like "I bet you never thought I could make you squirt" and "I may have to live with never tasting you again". But now he deletes everything only from her. I found on our cell account all the incoming and outgoing between them starting at around 4:30 in the morning almost constantly until 9-10 at night. He doesn't know that I know his pin on his phone. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally sick that it has now made me so physically sick. I can't eat, I'm in a constant state of nausea and I can't sleep and when I can, I have constant nightmares. And he hasn't changed. Still comes home and kisses me hi and stays home and does what he does in the garage or the backyard. He's just been at this new job for a few months and twice he has texted me that he had a dinner thing or a golf thing after work and that it's all just PR. He doesn't drink or play golf. He makes fun of golf player. I don't know how to confront him and tell him I found the messages and that I have no trust in him. When we have fights about sex, it always backfires on me and I'm the bad guy. He says he would never leave me and he doesn't want a divorce. He treats my 2 kids like his own and has from date 4. He gave my son his truck when he got a driver's license. He taught them both water sports. Told them whatever they want to do, tell him and he will help them get it done. Now my oldest is in the Navy like he was. They both think the world of him and if I leave, what is that going to do to them? His daughter has seen her mother go thru 3 marriages since my husband divorced her and now she doesn't want to get married or have kids. So what other image will she have if we get divorced? But how can I keep living and him doing all this behind my back and destroying my life? I contemplated suicide a few times but I just can't because I can't leave my kids alone like that. I need to be there for them but I can't do that if I am as miserable as I am. I can't find any counselors in my area to talk to. They're first appointments are booked 3-4 months out. I can't go to an ER because then it will be on my record and my husband will have to give up all his guns. I have no real trustworthy friends to turn to. I am so lost!!!!!!! I need direction. I need something. I never should have been nosy. I should have just left everything alone.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EMH, people will be along shortly. You cannot stay in a marriage just for the fairly grown up kids. You WH may have a problem with cheating or sex addiction, you have to let him know you know everything and if he doesn't get help you are leaving. He can go to SAA. In any case it would be a tough uphill climb. 
You can find a counsellor in a church or some such place, if you try hard enough or online. Call a local charity, or help line. But start getting your ducks in a row to get away from him. Please go and be tested for STDs and do not have sex with him. Tell your kids if they are old enough. They will be supportive.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sounds like he's just a cheater. Are you financially about to leave?


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I wish I was but I'm not at the time. I just spent most of my savings to take my dog to have surgery. I have to work for a while to get my savings back up but I also don't have anywhere to go yet. I have no car, 2 boats, 1 son and a dog. My oldest is stationed in Tx for a couple more months and then who knows where once he gets his orders. My youngest sons dad likes 1.5 hours away so I need to stay close to him for our son. I just feel so stupid. My ex husband cheated on me towards the end of our 10 year marriage but I didn't care cuz we were both on the way out anyways. But we were never really in love. It was more of a situation. This is know is real b/c I never felt like this with anyone and I told myself for many years that I was never going to get married again. I was happy being single and having my own house and all that. Now I feel stuck.


----------



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Come up with a plan to get unstuck. Get all your ducks in a row and execute. Get into IC if you are not already. 

Wait why can't you go to an ER? For the suicidal feelings? You need to take care of yourself more than care about your cheating husband's guns.


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I am going to see a counselor on monday. I finally found one. I would never leave my kids like that. It's more that I just want to unsee what I have seen, unread what I have read.


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I tried to find and have emailed what I thought was the local SAA email but I haven't gotten a reply and the number I had was disconnected. Addiction runs in his family. His dad and brother are on meth, his sister anything she can get her hands on and his mom is addicted to dieting fads.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sell boats, in fact sell everything you can possible to build up enough money for first months rent and damage on an apartment close by where your work is or along a bus lane to get there. 

A 2 bdrm apartment shouldn't require too much savings if you have some things you can sell. 

He's a serial cheater. He will not change.


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I work from home so I can move anywhere. We already been trying to sell the big boat as it is. But that might be where I would live. It has a bed, kitchen and bathroom. I was hoping that I could give him everything, love, trust, emotional support, everything a wife should be. He's been told numerous times that he lucky and that every husband should have a wife like me. I don't feel like I am. Like what am I missing that these other women are giving him?


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

My main issue is how I can move on once I move out. I know I'm going to end up with serious trust issues. How do I live again? I can't fathom the thought of flirting with anyone ever again. How can I go out with girlfriends and have fun? I feel guilty going to lunch with some of them if he isn't with me now. I don't go to events cuz I can't have fun without feeling guilty. I can't even "take care of myself" (sexually) without feeling like I am betraying him when I know he does it all the time. He just hides it from me since I walked in on him a few years ago. It sounds stupid I'm sure. But my mind is a constant whir.


----------



## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

emh430 said:


> My main issue is how I can move on once I move out.


In my opinion that isn't your main issue right now. I think you need professional help to prioritize and organize.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

emh430 said:


> My main issue is how I can move on once I move out. I know I'm going to end up with serious trust issues. How do I live again? I can't fathom the thought of flirting with anyone ever again. How can I go out with girlfriends and have fun? I feel guilty going to lunch with some of them if he isn't with me now. I don't go to events cuz I can't have fun without feeling guilty. I can't even "take care of myself" (sexually) without feeling like I am betraying him when I know he does it all the time. He just hides it from me since I walked in on him a few years ago. It sounds stupid I'm sure. But my mind is a constant whir.


Just go to him and say I want out. We tried but its just not happening for me anymore. No hard feelings. Let sell everything and split it down the middle. And we both will save apile of money. With the fastest outcome.

If you fight me on this the cats out of the bag! All this bull**** behind my back will be out and the lawyers can settle it. 

Then don't give him a chance to respond. Turn around and walk away. 

Do your home work . Make a list of assets. Look on zillow and see what your house would sell for. 
Start a budget for if you keep the house and renting an appartment . See what you have to work with.then come up with a plan.

Be warned he will probably try to swoon you back if you lay this no bull**** down on him.


----------



## emh430 (Aug 16, 2017)

I would need to get to his lawyer before him because he's the best in town. Very expensive but I can work around that. If I don't, I'm screwed. My husband makes 5 times what I do, if not more. Which is another fight we have all the time. I live paycheck to paycheck and he's sitting ever so comfortably. He can see mine and our sons bank accounts cuz he had to set them up thru USAA and if he sees my account low, he gets mad that I didn't tell him so he can move money to me. So I try not to spend anything if I can help it. We fight about me being a slave and a martyr about the house being clean. He says it doesn't have to be perfect. I'm literally the only one that cleans. Maybe all the fights is what made him find someone else. Wow. Reading all these comments and really thinking about things is really helping me big time. Thank you all!!


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He's in an active affair with his coworker right now. Nothing he says means anything. He'll find whatever reason he can to make you the bad guy. It's to help himself justify why he's sleeping with another woman.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

@Hope1964


----------



## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

emh430 said:


> My main issue is how I can move on once I move out. I know I'm going to end up with serious trust issues. How do I live again? I can't fathom the thought of flirting with anyone ever again. How can I go out with girlfriends and have fun? I feel guilty going to lunch with some of them if he isn't with me now. I don't go to events cuz I can't have fun without feeling guilty. I can't even "take care of myself" (sexually) without feeling like I am betraying him when I know he does it all the time. He just hides it from me since I walked in on him a few years ago. It sounds stupid I'm sure. But my mind is a constant whir.




I'm so sorry your going through this. I can understand how you feel like you have no where to turn. Many people like you have made it through and so will you..
Try your best to take advantage of whatever you can to help you through it. Take whatever steps you can to make your escape whether it be fair or unfair. Every dime you don't need to live on, hide it. Grab a few bucks from hubbys wallet and pockets whenever you can. Make up a story as to why you need money for something but instead hide it. 
I wish you the best. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

emh430 said:


> I work from home so I can move anywhere. We already been trying to sell the big boat as it is. But that might be where I would live. It has a bed, kitchen and bathroom. I was hoping that I could give him everything, love, trust, emotional support, everything a wife should be. He's been told numerous times that he lucky and that every husband should have a wife like me. I don't feel like I am. Like what am I missing that these other women are giving him?


The first thing you have to realize and this applies to every cheater. Their cheating is nothing to do with you. It is a reflection on their character not yours. His family background has probably contributed. You have probably been a sterling wife, cheaters do not care about what they have at home, they cheat because there is a defect in their moral compass.


----------



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

emh430 said:


> I would need to get to his lawyer before him because he's the best in town. Very expensive but I can work around that. If I don't, I'm screwed. My husband makes 5 times what I do, if not more. Which is another fight we have all the time. I live paycheck to paycheck and he's sitting ever so comfortably. He can see mine and our sons bank accounts cuz he had to set them up thru USAA and if he sees my account low, he gets mad that I didn't tell him so he can move money to me. So I try not to spend anything if I can help it. We fight about me being a slave and a martyr about the house being clean. He says it doesn't have to be perfect. I'm literally the only one that cleans. Maybe all the fights is what made him find someone else. Wow. Reading all these comments and really thinking about things is really helping me big time. Thank you all!!


Do THIS, act first on the lawyer even if you don't actually go through the divorce. If the income disparity is the case then you may be able to get substantial alimony.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Oh wow.. I'm sorry as it must be tough... You have not done anything- he needs help as he is an addict. I think you need to get to a therapist who can help you with this. I'm sure there are support groups for spouses of addicts just so you know you are not alone. Not so sure I would let on to him as to what's going on until you get a plan going. He may want a second chance which probably wouldn't last long and like you mentioned how could you trust him again. Your kids will understand and want whats best for you. This is good that you work and from anywhere so really think about where you want to live. I'm thinking selling that boat and moving into an apartment close to your sons dad. As soon as you get your plan in motion you will start feeling better.


----------

