# some cop guy hit on her....did she do the right thing?



## CantBelieveThis

posting in a new thread, but many of you know my story. We are still in R even thou I have struggled a lot, but slowly moving forward.

So there is this dad (a cop, divorced....his daughter is a very close friends with ours) at our daughters cheerleading club that was getting friendly with her and she told me he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking....wtf?!? 

She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever.....
so the problem - she told me two days later after it happened....she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me. 
The other thing too is that she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going, it was during the trip that she told me about all this. She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going. I was livid with her about this obviously. She kept in touch with me continuously during the trip and said the guy never made a move on her or said anything other than talking about the event and stuff along with other parents there

This issue of her fearing my reaction is not cool with me, and I thought we were passed that....so that in itself is something that disappoints me, so we fought over that a lot since....and I have reminded her that these kinds of things need to be told immediately, regardless of what she thinks my reaction will be or no matter how well does she think she handled it.

I have always been used to guys hitting on her, she is very good looking, great body, gets ask if she is a model, blah, blah...all the time, so not something new or that bothers me a lot....but a freakin cop??? and for him to say is not a prob that she is married?? wtf is going on in this world?!?!
W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.

any thoughts or advice? should I have handled it differently? I was very mad about it for a few days but am ok now for the most part and have made things very clear to her on this and its never to happen again


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## ConanHub

You seem kind of passive to me and I haven't been cheated on. She is still kind of telling you how it is and taking control. I would introduce myself to this walking shytbag and ask him why he thought it was ok to fvck my wife and if his superiors would like to be included in the conversation.

She is still manipulating you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

p.s. Her marriage is still not her top priority. She should have no room for this. Her respect level isn't nearly where it should be for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive

HMM. Maybe she told you to check your reaction? Too passive a reaction, might be taken as permission? This is one of those times a woman wants to feel valued. Owned if you will. Not like property, but like a valuable possession. She shouldnt be talking to him anymore. Period.


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## T&T

I don't know your story, but think she handled it well. Whether she waited a day or two doesn't really matter much does it? If she feared your reaction there most likely is something there...

A Cop? He's a Cop on the job and it has nothing to do with his private life. He's a Cop on the job and an immoral scumbag when it comes to getting laid...


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## happy as a clam

CantBelieveThis said:


> so the problem - *she told me two days later after it happened*....
> 
> *She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going.* I was livid with her about this obviously.


THIS is a problem, especially during R where she should be an "open book." Particularly when it comes to men hitting on her.

I agree with Conan.


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## convert

I agree with ConanHub and Happy as a calm
at a minimum I would at least attend more if not all of these cheerleading clubs.

yes she should have told you before the weekend trip.

could you have gone with her on this weekend trip?


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## NoChoice

OP,
The sad reality is that we live in a world where honor and integrity are mere memories from a bygone era. Position in society has no meaning in today's world whether it be a politician, an officer of the law or even a minister for that matter. We have become such a narcissistic people that empathy is all but gone in our culture today. Responsibility and accountability are non existent and, to quote a famous sportswear maker, if it feels good, do it.Their sales slogan has become our way of life.

I believe that your wife handled the situation adequately, even if she was lax in relaying the events to you. She cannot control who approaches her but only how she handles it and it sounds as though, based on your post, that she made it clear to the man that his actions were unacceptable and out of line. That is the best she can do.


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## ReidWright

she should have been quicker to tell you, but she probably needed some time to think about how to talk to you about it. I assume she understands if it happens again she needs to tell you immediately.

he's a scumbag, and he probably does this with half the wives there. Unfortunately it's not illegal to be a scumbag, and he would probably just end up giving you a lifetime of traffic tickets if you confronted him or told his superiors (who would also laugh).

IF he did it in uniform, that would be different matter.


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## arbitrator

*If it's true, then I'd file a complant with his IA Department! They'll secretly investigate it of their own accord! After all, you already have your wife's word that it indeed happened! 

Please be mindful that it well could have been a covert EA that fastly escalated to PA proportions; after which he finally succeeded in getting your W's goodies, then summarily dumped her, after which she got royally pi$$ed!

If I were you, I'd also be using some spare time in investigating my W's cell phone records, as well as her social media accounts, dating back several months! You might also install a VAR up underneath her car seat to find out if she's still talking to him! 

In legal limbo ~ you've now got "probable cause!" Investigate!*


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## ConanHub

ReidWright said:


> she should have been quicker to tell you, but she probably needed some time to think about how to talk to you about it. I assume she understands if it happens again she needs to tell you immediately.
> 
> he's a scumbag, and he probably does this with half the wives there. Unfortunately it's not illegal to be a scumbag, and he would probably just end up giving you a lifetime of traffic tickets if you confronted him or told his superiors (who would also laugh).
> 
> IF he did it in uniform, that would be different matter.


They might well laugh at you. I am actually effective. No department wants to be represented by a man that thinks it funny to ask married women to fvck. I know a whole lot of officers from many different departments. Want me to ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01

I would confront him about it in front of everyone the next time your wife and daughter go to practice.


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## kenmoore14217

"he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking"

How do you know this is true? Do you believe your wife implicitly? Just asking


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## NoChoice

OP,
Perhaps ask this individual a simple question. His daughter and yours cheer together so ask him "when your daughter grows up and has a husband and family, how would you feel if someone like yourself hit on the mother of your grandchildren with the possible result of destroying your grandkids family?". Then tell him to take the appropriate action against himself.


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## 2ntnuf

Next time she brings something like this to your attention, take her to the bedroom and have sex with her like she is yours and you are claiming her, if she will let you. 

I'm in the camp that, being a cop, he will use his authority and feelings of superiority, as well as the law, in his favor to legally harass you, if you piss him off without some plan or something that grabs him by the proverbial balls. Not sure what that would be, but there are plenty of cops here who can tell you, if they were so inclined.

I think you have to confront him somehow, maybe even just talking to him and showing up at these events, since your wife will be in contact with him from time to time. Although, I do think she handled it well, if you can trust what she said. I also think you could talk with the event coordinator(s) or their authorities concerning the intentions of the organization. This may be a better way. 

Just offering food for thought.


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## ConanHub

OP. If you want advice on how to brutalize a cop just shoot me a pm. I am friends with officers and have ripped a few a new one, even cost one his job, but he blew it in front of witnesses and in uniform. Still a lot of pressure you can bring on this guy and it could get pretty serious for him depending on his actions after you confront him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01

I just think it is a little odd that she waited to tell you after being away with him. Not saying that they did anything but maybe she was hoping that it would. when it didn't and she snapped out of it she told you about the flirting to ease her guilt. It just doesn't sit right with me.


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## Augusto

tell your wife to dress bad around him.


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## alte Dame

I think she waited not because she feared your reaction in general, but because she wanted to go on the trip. If she told you when it happened, it might have put the kibosh on a mother-daughter thing with the OM right there with them.

Manipulation, imo.


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## ConanHub

alte Dame said:


> I think she waited not because she feared your reaction in general, but because she wanted to go on the trip. If she told you when it happened, it might have put the kibosh on a mother-daughter thing with the OM right there with them.
> 
> Manipulation, imo.


Ding ding ding!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

Blacksmith01 said:


> I just think it is a little odd that she waited to tell you after being away with him. Not saying that they did anything but maybe she was hoping that it would. when it didn't and she snapped out of it she told you about the flirting to ease her guilt. It just doesn't sit right with me.


Most cops are alphas. They are trained to be. They have to be. They come in contact with characters who would walk all over them if they were not. This is attractive to many women. They feel protected. It's easy for them, if they have a half-decent reputation, to parlay that into sex with a woman. Still, the woman has to choose to go along. I don't think she did, but without proof, who knows?

Either way, he got to her some, or she would not have brought it up. Whether she was attracted or just felt controlled, I don't know. She let him know, so that seems good. She wanted a response. Did she get it? What decisions did she make about how he is responding? Don't know.

Cops have to work in unison. They are a gang. They have to be. They also have the law on their side. So, imagine a gang of bikers who have proven themselves to the group and received their colors. They fight for them to the death. They do as told. The protect each other first and then find out what is going on. That's what you'd be up against confronting a superior. 

The difference is, they can legally openly carry weapons of all kinds and they have laws which we all approve of in order to protect us. We expect them to protect the innocent. Some, will use their position of authority to take what they want or what they can get. The character of each person, and the authorities over them who set an example, are what stops them. 

Basically, they live by a code and have to, if they want to stay alive and be protected by piers. They protect according to the law and serve their fellow cops, superiors, district attorneys, and judges. 

We need them. Don't get me wrong. I also respect them. I do not respect those who abuse the law or their position. It takes a hell of a good man or woman, to do their job properly and not let themselves be caught up in the power of their position, but it does happen.


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## CantBelieveThis

thanks for all the thoughts.
I am going to the next cheerleading trip in couple weeks and he will be there.....am not sure yet if to confront or not, but at the very least I wont be friendly with him, he will know for sure we arent in good terms.

I do believe the W, she was very detailed on every level and her story did add up so I am not suspicious. They would only have seen each other at the cheerleading club and even when there she is always in touch with me all the time.

And believe me I did give her hell over not telling me right away, I told her that what she did was manipulative and something she should know better about by now. She insisted that was not her intent at all.

it just floors me this guy just asked her to sleep with her just like that, and dismissed her being married as a concern...very likely he sees himself empowered to do that as an officer of the law...sad but i guess its not too uncommon....


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## Locke.Stratos

ConanHub said:


> You seem kind of passive to me and I haven't been cheated on. She is still kind of telling you how it is and taking control. I would introduce myself to this walking shytbag and ask him why he thought it was ok to fvck my wife and if his superiors would like to be included in the conversation.
> 
> She is still manipulating you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree. You seem way too passive and just reactionary. Just curious, how would you have reacted had this occurred in front of you?

Yes she completely f***** up by not telling you immediately, figure out some form of appropriate consequence and reaction that doesn't involve you raging or losing your s*** because that's not constructive.

The fact that she told you days later probably bought up some s*** and anger that you've been dealing with since your D Day. You've written of the anger you've felt towards yourself for how you've handled things since then, how do you feel you should handle this?

I would confront him (preferably in front of an audience a.k.a. witnesses.) and tell him to not hit on your wife or stay the f*** away from your wife. He's an a**hole, let him know.

The least that this will accomplish is indicate to her that you care enough to be that bothered and it'll elevate your attractiveness. You want her to do the heavy lifting so be prepared to do the same. If you're not really committed to this or undecided then perhaps just call it and move on, no one would blame you because it's a lot.


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## drifting on

CantBelieveThis

After my wife's infidelity we have had many long discussions regarding trust. I have told my wife she is to earn my trust back, which she is working diligently at earning my trust. All other aspects of your wife's affair aside for the moment, does your wife believe this has earned trust or knocked it back to some degree? If I understand correctly your wife waited to tell you this over the phone, out of town, and with the guy present at her location. You said she was waiting for the perfect or a good time to tell you as she was afraid of your reaction? Please have her explain how much this has helped you. Please tell her how much you triggered from this. Please tell her how helpless you feel with them together out of town. Please tell her how this has stopped your racing thoughts. Please tell her how this has not elevated your heart into the low two hundreds. Please tell her how you see how rational of a decision this was on her part. Please tell her to stop trying to allow you to heal. 

I could go on for days with how much this helped you. As an outsider and my reaction just to what you posted on this thread, I would say your wife has no respect for you or your marriage. If this were me I would have told her to stay where she is at as that would be most helpful. I would have made two phone calls, attorney and locksmith, you pick which one I call first. This would have triggered me to the point I couldn't reconcile the marriage. No matter if she shut him down she should have told you that moment as he is still walking away. He should have her telling you what he said it should have been relayed to you so fast. 

My wife did this less than three months from d-day, an example of how she built trust back with me. My wife received a text from my sister asking who my primary doctor was and the phone number. My wife asked why she wanted that information. My sister said because I was depressed and most likely needed a low dose anti depressant. My sister said not to tell me but she would make an appointment and take me there as both knew I wouldn't go. My wife said she was very uncomfortable going behind my back and would never deceive me again. My wife then said she was going to forward this entire text exchange to me as she will never keep anything from me again. 

My wife called me and told me she was going to send the conversation she had had with my sister. At first I was upset that the both of them were conspiring behind my back. After a couple hours and not contacting either of them I called my primary doctor and made an appointment. By my wife doing what she did I finally noticed that both care for me and ultimately want what's best for me. This earned trust on my wife's end and my sister had my back. But it was done immediately, my wife didn't wait, she knew the right thing to do and as hard as it was contacted me. This is what your wife should have done, tell you immediately. 

The next cheerleading or whatever event you need to confront him, especially with your wife present. After confronting him you look at your wife and tell her nobody disrespects my wife by telling her they want to have sex as that implies you are easy or a sl-t. As a man this is not tolerable to me that any man treat you in that fashion. Hopefully other parents witness this and now you have tarnished his reputation with the parents and many will not seek out any conversations with him. Then mail a letter to his chief not to complain about him but that you are fearful of retaliation by him in the way of tickets or any other fashion. He will be coached by his superiors to look the other way when you are around. Keep records of the letter and if he gives you a ticket for anything request a court date. At your hearing produce the letter to the judge that you mailed this exact letter to his chief fearing he would retaliate using this method. 

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My wife was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.


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## ConanHub

Amen bfree!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My eye was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting.


I like this approach and would like to do something very similar!!! short and to the point....


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## tom67

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My eye was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.


This is how you should do it when you see him.:smthumbup::lol:


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## drifting on

2ntnuf said:


> Most cops are alphas. They are trained to be. They have to be. They come in contact with characters who would walk all over them if they were not. This is attractive to many women. They feel protected. It's easy for them, if they have a half-decent reputation, to parlay that into sex with a woman. Still, the woman has to choose to go along. I don't think she did, but without proof, who knows?
> 
> Either way, he got to her some, or she would not have brought it up. Whether she was attracted or just felt controlled, I don't know. She let him know, so that seems good. She wanted a response. Did she get it? What decisions did she make about how he is responding? Don't know.
> 
> Cops have to work in unison. They are a gang. They have to be. They also have the law on their side. So, imagine a gang of bikers who have proven themselves to the group and received their colors. They fight for them to the death. They do as told. The protect each other first and then find out what is going on. That's what you'd be up against confronting a superior.
> 
> The difference is, they can legally openly carry weapons of all kinds and they have laws which we all approve of in order to protect us. We expect them to protect the innocent. Some, will use their position of authority to take what they want or what they can get. The character of each person, and the authorities over them who set an example, are what stops them.
> 
> Basically, they live by a code and have to, if they want to stay alive and be protected by piers. They protect according to the law and serve their fellow cops, superiors, district attorneys, and judges.
> 
> We need them. Don't get me wrong. I also respect them. I do not respect those who abuse the law or their position. It takes a hell of a good man or woman, to do their job properly and not let themselves be caught up in the power of their position, but it does happen.




I don't want to totally thread jack here so I will only comment in the alpha part. Cops aren't trained to be alpha, they are trained to immediately grasp control of a situation that is out of control. Many people do this and can without being a cop. Say you have two neighbors fighting throwing punches, the neighbor across the street walks over and separates the two combatants. Is he alpha? Maybe, maybe not, he could be beta but reacted because it was the right thing to do. If an officer doesn't immediately grasp control of a situation it usually escalates that leads to injury. Personally I don't think it's alpha or beta. 

Sorry, thread jack over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

> This is what your wife should have done, tell you immediately.
> 
> The next cheerleading or whatever event you need to confront him, especially with your wife present. After confronting him you look at your wife and tell her nobody disrespects my wife by telling her they want to have sex as that implies you are easy or a sl-t. As a man this is not tolerable to me that any man treat you in that fashion. Hopefully other parents witness this and now you have tarnished his reputation with the parents and many will not seek out any conversations with him. Then mail a letter to his chief not to complain about him but that you are fearful of retaliation by him in the way of tickets or any other fashion. He will be coached by his superiors to look the other way when you are around. Keep records of the letter and if he gives you a ticket for anything request a court date. At your hearing produce the letter to the judge that you mailed this exact letter to his chief fearing he would retaliate using this method.


Yep, this and "there is a time to confront". You can do it. In front of others, it will make an impact. It may even bring a good cop back to acting like a good cop. Triple win in my book.


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## CantBelieveThis

Locke.Stratos said:


> The fact that she told you days later probably bought up some s*** and anger that you've been dealing with since your D Day. You've written of the anger you've felt towards yourself for how you've handled things since then, how do you feel you should handle this?


I agree man, I have been working so hard to put away my anger since her A 1.5 years ago and then all sudden this and now am lacking anger and I need it...its hard to be all over the place like that....


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## Locke.Stratos

CantBelieveThis said:


> I like this approach and would like to do something very similar!!! short and to the point....


Whatever you decide, just do something.


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## 2ntnuf

Locke.Stratos said:


> Whatever you decide, just do something.


This, and if done within your limitations and in a manner that makes you feel like you've done your best without making it worse, you will start to lose your anger and better see what is going on with less obstructions. 

Using that anger to respond appropriately will help you immensely.


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## michzz

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My wife was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.





2ntnuf said:


> Yep, this and "there is a time to confront". You can do it. In front of others, it will make an impact. It may even bring a good cop back to acting like a good cop. Triple win in my book.


I like bfree's way of confrontation.

You can do it in a way that doesn't get the jerk displaying a weapon or squaring off on you if he is a bully.

On the other hand, calling him out directly has its appeal.

On yet another hand, a confrontation can be screwed up if what your wife said to you was not the real story.


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## Jellybeans

I think it's wonderful that she told you and that is he is a TOTAL creep. 

What a total total dlck. SERIOUSLY. EWW.


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## 2ntnuf

michzz said:


> I like bfree's way of confrontation.
> 
> You can do it in a way that doesn't get the jerk displaying a weapon or squaring off on you if he is a bully.
> 
> On the other hand, calling him out directly has its appeal.
> 
> On yet another hand, a confrontation can be screwed up if what your wife said to you was not the real story.


Well, I'm not saying bfree is wrong. I read it as a little passive aggressive, but I easily might not see what others do. I think tone of voice, place and time, choice of words, and audience play a role. His way is man to man and that's good as well. I've confronted men with an audience and without. Pisses them off less if there is none, but those who are the most alpha will consider it a challenge. So, take your pick, I guess. Thanks for making me think.


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## alte Dame

I think your WW enjoyed the attention and is still flattered by it. I think her antennae are up for this guy. Her 'concern' for you was concern for herself, in my opinion. It's a good smokescreen for her real feelings, which are that she didn't want you in the way at all when she went on her trip. 

Just my two cents, but I doubt very much that she is at all sincere in the reactions that you are seeing.


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## adriana

alte Dame said:


> I think your WW enjoyed the attention and is still flattered by it. I think her antennae are up for this guy. Her 'concern' for you was concern for herself, in my opinion. It's a good smokescreen for her real feelings, which are that she didn't want you in the way at all when she went on her trip.
> 
> Just my two cents, but I doubt very much that she is at all sincere in the reactions that you are seeing.



:iagree: I'm getting the same impression.... 100%. Your wife doesn't seem to have learnt much from her affair after all.


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## knightRider

If a man who has contact with my wife, knows she is married, but still hits on her, I would make sure that I have words with him. The other man needs to know that you are not a beta man hiding away. 

Of course you need to know what if any contact she's initiated with the cop. Red flag to me...


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## 2ntnuf

knightRider said:


> If a man who has contact with my wife, knows she is married, but still hits on her, I would make sure that I have words with him. The other man needs to know that you are not a beta man hiding away.
> 
> Of course you need to know what if any contact she's initiated with the cop. Red flag to me...


I was just thinking about this in terms of confrontation. Too bad he couldn't do it in such a way that would get this guy to expose what was happening. 

Listen, if wife doesn't like the attention, she surely could have embarrassed the guy in front of everyone. Right? This doesn't preclude the need to confront in some manner.


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## G.J.

CantBelieveThis said:


> thanks for all the thoughts.
> I am going to the next cheerleading trip in couple weeks and he will be there.....am not sure yet if to confront or not, but at the very least I wont be friendly with him, he will know for sure we arent in good terms.
> 
> *YOU WONT BE FRIENDLY WITH HIM ???
> You need to confront him in front of a lot of people and tell him in a loud voice not to ask your wife to sleep with him as she was offended and she isn't a low life like he obviously is, then turn your back and take your wife and walk away
> 
> Tell her no one talks to you like your a sl-t*
> 
> I do believe the W, she was very detailed on every level and her story did add up so I am not suspicious. They would only have seen each other at the cheerleading club and even when there she is always in touch with me all the time.
> 
> *She did wrong and should tell you with out fail soon as anything happens
> You need to tell her you now think she didn't so that you wouldn't stop her going away for the weekend (if you could have gone then red flag)*
> 
> And believe me I did give her hell over not telling me right away, I told her that what she did was manipulative and something she should know better about by now. She insisted that was not her intent at all.
> 
> *She knows better now and needs to be open or it wont work TELL HER AGAIN*
> 
> it just floors me this guy just asked her to sleep with her just like that, and dismissed her being married as a concern...very likely he sees himself empowered to do that as an officer of the law...sad but i guess its not too uncommon....
> 
> *Doesn't matter what job there are always low life's around who will try their luck, it will diminish as she gets older*


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## lordmayhem

2ntnuf said:


> Most cops are alphas. They are trained to be. They have to be. They come in contact with characters who would walk all over them if they were not. This is attractive to many women. They feel protected. It's easy for them, if they have a half-decent reputation, to parlay that into sex with a woman. Still, the woman has to choose to go along. I don't think she did, but without proof, who knows?


:iagree:

There are plenty of "badge bunnies" out there who are attracted to cops, and yes, many women come on to, flirt, etc, not caring if he was married. It goes both ways.


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## lenzi

CantBelieveThis said:


> she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.
> 
> I was livid with her about this obviously.


This is it right here. She was afraid to tell you because obviously you'd be livid. Why be angry? Why shut down the lines of communication just because you got a hot wife and guys hit on her and she's not sure how to tell you because she's expecting exactly the reaction she got. She did nothing wrong except take care of herself. Would you rather have a fat ugly wife that never gets hit on? Would you rather have a hot wife that doesn't share these details with you?

I sure wouldn't. Stop making it so difficult for you wife to approach you. The only reason- that I can see from what you wrote- is that she's afraid of your reaction therefore she hesitated for a couple of days and I bet those weren't easy days for her at all. 



CantBelieveThis said:


> thanks for all the thoughts.
> I am going to the next cheerleading trip in couple weeks and he will be there.....am not sure yet if to confront or not, but at the very least I wont be friendly with him, he will know for sure we arent in good terms.


You're "not sure" if you're going to confront the guy?

You'll get angry with your wife but not some douche-bag who hits on her even though he knows you're married?

Grow a set. When you see him, take him aside and tell him firmly to stay away from your wife.

*Edited to add:*

I was not aware that she cheated on you 1.5 years ago.

This changes things. I'd be pissed at her too.


----------



## Dogbert

You need to explain to her that by not telling you almost immediately, she was showing no trust in you.

If she wants to regain your trust, she has to trust you and your actions without hesitation. After all is said and done, isn't trust a two way street?


----------



## Wolf1974

Think way too much being made out of the job here. Unless he was doing it on duty his job is irrelevant. I think she did good and I think you did good.

And yes confront next time let him know what asshat he is


----------



## GusPolinski

CantBelieveThis said:


> posting in a new thread, but many of you know my story. We are still in R even thou I have struggled a lot, but slowly moving forward.
> 
> So there is this dad (a cop, divorced....his daughter is a very close friends with ours) at our daughters cheerleading club that was getting friendly with her and she told me he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking....wtf?!?
> 
> She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever.....
> so the problem - she told me two days later after it happened....she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.
> The other thing too is that she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going, it was during the trip that she told me about all this. She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going. I was livid with her about this obviously. She kept in touch with me continuously during the trip and said the guy never made a move on her or said anything other than talking about the event and stuff along with other parents there
> 
> This issue of her fearing my reaction is not cool with me, and I thought we were passed that....so that in itself is something that disappoints me, so we fought over that a lot since....and I have reminded her that these kinds of things need to be told immediately, regardless of what she thinks my reaction will be or no matter how well does she think she handled it.
> 
> I have always been used to guys hitting on her, she is very good looking, great body, gets ask if she is a model, blah, blah...all the time, so not something new or that bothers me a lot....but a freakin cop??? and for him to say is not a prob that she is married?? wtf is going on in this world?!?!
> W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.
> 
> any thoughts or advice? should I have handled it differently? I was very mad about it for a few days but am ok now for the most part and have made things very clear to her on this and its never to happen again


She handled it wrong, IMO. _She should've told you about it *that night*_ AND should've either cancelled the trip or insisted that you to come along w/ her.


----------



## MarriedDude

CantBelieveThis said:


> posting in a new thread, but many of you know my story. We are still in R even thou I have struggled a lot, but slowly moving forward.
> 
> So there is this dad *(a cop,* divorced....his daughter is a very close friends with ours) at our daughters cheerleading club that was getting friendly with her and she told me *he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking*....wtf?!?
> 
> She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever.....
> so the problem - she told me two days later after it happened....she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.
> The other thing too is that she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going, it was during the trip that she told me about all this. She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going. I was livid with her about this obviously. She kept in touch with me continuously during the trip and said the guy never made a move on her or said anything other than talking about the event and stuff along with other parents there
> 
> This issue of her fearing my reaction is not cool with me, and I thought we were passed that....so that in itself is something that disappoints me, so we fought over that a lot since....and I have reminded her that these kinds of things need to be told immediately, regardless of what she thinks my reaction will be or no matter how well does she think she handled it.
> 
> I have always been used to guys hitting on her, she is very good looking, great body, gets ask if she is a model, blah, blah...all the time, so not something new or that bothers me a lot....but a freakin cop??? and for him to say is not a prob that she is married?? wtf is going on in this world?!?!
> W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.
> 
> any thoughts or advice? should I have handled it differently? I was very mad about it for a few days but am ok now for the most part and have made things very clear to her on this and its never to happen again


Police are inherently untrustworthy. Like the majority of the populace, easily corrupted, influenced and manipulated. To think otherwise is simply naive. 

As to the form of his p/u..what..you have never done this? I sure did. Just straight up asking for it worked about 70% of the time. She was taken off guard and out of her comfort zone..He controlled the interaction..She didn't tell you right away...meaning she was sharing a secret with the guy...probably made her feel a bit naughty and probably excited...even if just a little bit. You should understand....this guy, he's not done. 

If you don't take a firm stand with this guy. In front of other people in the group..In such a way that all his actions, past, present and future are called into question...He won. If it was me, an I'm a vicious bastard -I'd confront him softly -laugh it off with him, get closer, make friends, then set him up. Too easy to do with law enforcement as they have a code of conduct they must adhere to...they have rules to follow...you on the other hand -are just some guy -operating without oversight and protecting you family without regards to any particular morals or ideals. You have all the power and control you need----he is in a much weaker position--never forget that. 

Like I said..if it were I, I would seriously **** this guys world all up. But, I'm an immature and wicked man far more attracted to chaos and disorder than polite ideals. I can be and typically am friendly, cordial, respectful and polite -but screw with my family at your peril -

be a surprise....he won't see you coming. 

Or do nothing. Your choice


----------



## YupItsMe

This thread is disappointing all the way around. Way too passive and inappropriate for my taste. 

It isn't fair to anyone to cause a scene at one of your daughters events which are for her and other children not you and your ego repair.

This prick should have been confronted within minutes after you found out about it by looking him up wherever he was.

I would also contact his superior and IA and let them know he was inappropriate with your wife. It could be a pattern. They likely wont give a **** but you need to make it unpleasant to mess with yours so it is not worth doing so.

I also would tell the coach about it so they can be mindful that unnecessary contact would be disappointing and to keep an eye on him harassing other moms

I would also ask the other husbands if he has ever been inappropriate around their wives to undermine the prick with the entire group. 

I would also tell his ex wife that her ex husband is using their daughters events inappropriately as a meat market to sexual harass moms so you can vuck with his custody.

Tell your wife you are sorry he has the picture he can do that to you, you will take care of it and if he says anything else to you tell him to come take it up with me after she asks him if his ex wife knows he is using his daughters events as a place to harass her friends mothers. 

Full court press on this a$$hole. IF you can think of anything else to $hit up his life, do that too. 

Make him pay for his mistake any way you can.

When you confront the a$$hole make sure he knows you told his ex-wife, coach, and all the other husbands what a dirt bag he was. That should make it fun for him to attend these events. 

There is much more you could do that is not appropriate to post here. Please do so

Nobody vucks with mine without paying for it BIGTIME

Also make sure he thinks you are talking about him to the other parents while you work the room at all the rest of these events


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

From what I've read, your wife did fine. If you want to confront the guy, that's fine but no need at this point to do it in a way to embarrass your family. Your daughter will pay her own price for how you handle things. That should be considered. 

You can't expect someone to jump at the moment you expect them to. Just to respect you enough to jump.


----------



## MarriedDude

YupItsMe said:


> This thread is disappointing all the way around. Way too passive and inappropriate for my taste.
> 
> It isn't fair to anyone to cause a scene at one of your daughters events which are for her and other children not you and your ego repair.
> 
> This prick should have been confronted within minutes after you found out about it by looking him up wherever he was.
> 
> *I would also contact his superior and IA and let them know he was inappropriate with your wife. It could be a pattern. They likely wont give a **** but you need to make it unpleasant to mess with yours so it is not worth doing so.*
> 
> *I also would tell the coach about it so they can be mindful that unnecessary contact would be disappointing and to keep an eye on him harassing other moms*
> 
> *I would also ask the other husbands if he has ever been inappropriate around their wives to undermine the prick with the entire group.
> *
> *I would also tell his ex wife that her ex husband is using their daughters events inappropriately as a meat market to sexual harass moms so you can vuck with his custody.
> *
> Tell your wife you are sorry he has the picture he can do that to you, you will take care of it and if he says anything else to you tell him to come take it up with me.


Pretty much all that makes him look weak as hell. The minute he starts seeking outside help and assistance...he is broadcasting that he IS NOT in control of the situation. Not a great message. 

why not just say "A big kid is trying to take my girlfriend....please help me".

OP shouldn't broadcast his weakness. He needs to guard his mate himself....it is HIS mate after all.


----------



## ConanHub

Wolf1974 said:


> Think way too much being made out of the job here. Unless he was doing it on duty his job is irrelevant. I think she did good and I think you did good.
> 
> And yes confront next time let him know what asshat he is


I am ruthless. Cops are far more vulnerable to repercussions from off duty behavior than other vocations. I actually expect higher standards of conduct from law enforcement officers. This guy did this to Mrs. Conan and he probably wouldn't be working in the same region anymore and he damn sure wouldn't be writing me or her a ticket ever again. 

Protect and serve my ass. Once she said no that she was married and he kept up the pressure, it could be construed as harassment. He is a true idiot and no wonder he is divorced.


----------



## MarriedDude

ConanHub said:


> I am ruthless. *Cops are far more vulnerable to repercussions from off duty behavior than other vocations.* I actually expect higher standards of conduct from law enforcement officers. This guy did this to Mrs. Conan and he probably wouldn't be working in the same region anymore and he damn sure wouldn't be writing me or her a ticket ever again.
> 
> Protect and serve my ass. Once she said no that she was married and he kept up the pressure, it could be construed as harassment. He is a true idiot and no wonder he is divorced.


SOOOOO true. The cop is weak and vulnerable. Anyone telling OP that the cop should be feared -well, they don't get it.


----------



## 2ntnuf

YupItsMe said:


> This thread is disappointing all the way around. Way too passive and inappropriate for my taste.
> 
> It isn't fair to anyone to cause a scene at one of your daughters events which are for her and other children not you and your ego repair.
> 
> This prick should have been confronted within minutes after you found out about it by looking him up wherever he was.
> 
> I would also contact his superior and IA and let them know he was inappropriate with your wife. It could be a pattern. They likely wont give a **** but you need to make it unpleasant to mess with yours so it is not worth doing so.
> 
> I also would tell the coach about it so they can be mindful that unnecessary contact would be disappointing and to keep an eye on him harassing other moms
> 
> I would also ask the other husbands if he has ever been inappropriate around their wives to undermine the prick with the entire group.
> 
> I would also tell his ex wife that her ex husband is using their daughters events inappropriately as a meat market to sexual harass moms so you can vuck with his custody.
> 
> Tell your wife you are sorry he has the picture he can do that to you, you will take care of it and if he says anything else to you tell him to come take it up with me.


Then dump that cheating wife after collecting evidence on her and find a woman who respects you and has some self-control? Because, the way I see it, she is wishy-washy. That could be just due to his responses to many of these occasions that he never saw. So, is she worth it or isn't she? I think he has got to know He is worth it. His self-respect is worth the effort, then she can work on being important enough to garner his respect and love, or he can find someone better, and he will if he respects himself. As hot? Not sure, but someone who he doesn't have to constantly worry about. And, he will then know how to handle the few instances that do arise.


----------



## MarriedDude

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> *From what I've read, your wife did fine.* If you want to confront the guy, that's fine but no need at this point to do it in a way to embarrass your family. Your daughter will pay her own price for how you handle things. That should be considered.
> 
> You can't expect someone to jump at the moment you expect them to. Just to respect you enough to jump.


Sooooo...waiting days to tell him...waiting until she is out of town with the guy is fine?

Manipulating both her husband and the situation is fine? 

Seriously?


----------



## MarriedDude

YupItsMe said:


> This thread is disappointing all the way around. Way too passive and inappropriate for my taste.
> 
> It isn't fair to anyone to cause a scene at one of your daughters events which are for her and other children not you and your ego repair.
> 
> This prick should have been confronted within minutes after you found out about it by looking him up wherever he was.
> 
> I would also contact his superior and IA and let them know he was inappropriate with your wife. It could be a pattern. They likely wont give a **** but you need to make it unpleasant to mess with yours so it is not worth doing so.
> 
> I also would tell the coach about it so they can be mindful that unnecessary contact would be disappointing and to keep an eye on him harassing other moms
> 
> I would also ask the other husbands if he has ever been inappropriate around their wives to undermine the prick with the entire group.
> 
> I would also tell his ex wife that her ex husband is using their daughters events inappropriately as a meat market to sexual harass moms so you can vuck with his custody.
> 
> Tell your wife you are sorry he has the picture he can do that to you, you will take care of it and if he says anything else to you tell him to come take it up with me after she asks him if his ex wife knows he is using his daughters events as a place to harass her friends mothers.
> 
> Full court press on this a$$hole. IF you can think of anything else to $hit up his life, do that too.
> 
> Make him pay for his mistake any way you can.
> 
> When you confront the a$$hole make sure he knows you told his ex-wife, coach, and all the other husbands what a dirt bag he was. That should make it fun for him to attend these events.
> 
> There is much more you could do that is not appropriate to post here. Please do so
> 
> Nobody vucks with mine without paying for it BIGTIME
> 
> *Also make sure he thinks you are talking about him to the other parents while you work the room at all the rest of these events*


In other words....broadcast his passive aggressive weakness far and wide?


----------



## Hicks

Your problem is you justified what she did by reacting badly.

What you should do is tell her that if you don't feel she did the right thing in this situation, and that if she does think she did the right thing, then we just have different views on right and wrong in this marriage.

Let her figure out what do do when you don't agree with her. Don't argue her around to your point of view... never works.


----------



## lenzi

2ntnuf said:


> Then dump that cheating wife after collecting evidence on her


I missed the part where she's cheating on him.

*Edited to add:*

Never mind I just read where she had an affair 1.5 yrs ago


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

Idk...it would have been one thing if she was going somewhere with him...the OM for som type of function. But she was going to a function with her daughter, for her daughter and she used the insight from previous experiences to not potentially make what she thought wasn't a mountain...although not a mole hill either, into a mountain and risk uncertainty and embarrassment to her or her daughter. 
She shut the guy down. After the event was over, she told her husband. He can now deal with it in a way he feels is appropriate. The kids had a good time and there was no "did you hear what happened between that girl's dad and that other girl's dad!??!"


----------



## wmn1

actually as a Cop, my superiors wouldn't take it lightly. They couldn't do anything to him over it unless it was affecting the workplace. if it was an affair with one of his co-worker's wives, he could be severely disciplined. However, with that being said, the department would find another way of dealing with him or making his life miserable.

I have mixed feelings on this case. It sounds like she did the right thing in rejecting him but she did take too long to tell you about what he did. That is not a good thing. Now if you were a hot head and her telling you at the scene would have prompted a fight and you getting in trouble, then her waiting would have been ok. But not waiting until after the weekend.

I hate to ask this, are you sure she is as stoic to this guy as she says ?


----------



## 2ntnuf

lenzi said:


> I missed the part where she's cheating on him.


I don't care about your opinion. It isn't your marriage. Don't start baiting in this thread or thread jacking. I won't let it slide, even if others do.


----------



## YupItsMe

MarriedDude said:


> I'm immature attracted to chaos and disorder than polite ideals


I noticed


----------



## lenzi

2ntnuf said:


> I don't care about your opinion. It isn't your marriage. Don't start baiting in this thread or thread jacking. I won't let it slide, even if others do.


Please stay on topic, thanks.


----------



## Locke.Stratos

CantBelieveThis said:


> I agree man, I have been working so hard to put away my anger since her A 1.5 years ago and then all sudden this and now am lacking anger and I need it...its hard to be all over the place like that....


No, the last thing you should do is bury your anger or 'try to put it away'. That's not how emotions work.

You have anger and rightly so. What you went/are going through is an outrage. You have to confront and embrace it, learn to work through it and reconcile those emotions. It's as much a part of you as the hurt, pain, sadness and range of other emotions that you've experienced.

Anger doesn't always have to be expressed as shouting and yelling or blinding rage and fury, it can be a tool for healing and communication.

Keep in mind that the accepted period of time it takes to begin to work through an affair is said to be more or less two years. You're only over halfway there so do not expect or pressure yourself to be anywhere near okay with this.

She should have told you immediately. It was manipulative and deceptive on her part not to and how you feel is understandable.

Instead of having to deal with just the fact that some a**hole hit on her, you're now dealing with the fact that she kept it from you for two days (which is basically reminiscent of an affair in which you're kept in the dark); the fact the she is able to and has no issue keeping important information from you still; that her trust and honesty is still questionable and that she doesn't respect and trust you enough to be truthful with you, in addition to the fact that some a**hole hit on her.

These feelings are further compounded by her adultery, the fact the she has hurt you before and you're feeling that all the work and effort that you've put towards rebuilding the trust, communication and honesty damaged by her affair has meant s***.

Reconciliation is faaaaaaarrr from easy and you're constanlty trying to resolve conflicting feelings of wanting to be a loving husband and thinking if she deserves anything you have to offer and give.

It's okay if you're still not sure if you want this marriage but I would confront the a**hole. I think that you'll feel better for it about yourself and it'll be one less reason for you to be angry over it having happened and over how you handled it. Just be smart about it.


----------



## convert

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My wife was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. *I shook his hand* practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.


OP if you shake his hand be sure to use the restroom first and don't wash your Hands

or maybe pick some dog poop up or something



oh and after you shake his hand --- if you shake his hand be sure to wash


----------



## tom67

Just go there keep your are around your wife and c0ckbl0ck.
Cool as a cucumber.


----------



## DoneWithHurting

CantBelieveThis said:


> So there is this dad ... that was getting friendly with her ... he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking.
> 
> he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care".
> 
> she told me two days later after it happened
> 
> she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going
> 
> She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going.


I would blow my freakin' stack at her. I would never have allowed her to go on that trip. I would have gone instead. I don't know how you can keep any composure about you. "Hey honey, please don't connect this to my cheating on you last year, showing my lack of proper boundaries and caring for your heart but... some guy i've gotten to know and in a position of authority hit on me in a big way like he does successfully with other wives and we're going away together for the weekend and I'll let you know about after I get back." - That's all I would have heard. Good luck.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> Idk...it would have been one thing if she was going somewhere with him...the OM for som type of function. But she was going to a function with her daughter, for her daughter and she used the insight from previous experiences to not potentially make what she thought wasn't a mountain...although not a mole hill either, into a mountain and risk uncertainty and embarrassment to her or her daughter.
> She shut the guy down. After the event was over, she told her husband. He can now deal with it in a way he feels is appropriate. The kids had a good time and there was no "did you hear what happened between that girl's dad and that other girl's dad!??!"


Her actions made it a mountain when it was less than a molehill.



> She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever.....
> so the problem - she told me two days later after it happened....she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.
> The other thing too is that she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going,* it was during the trip that she told me about all this.* She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going. I was livid with her about this obviously. She kept in touch with me continuously during the trip and said the guy never made a move on her or said anything other than talking about the event and stuff along with other parents there


You do understand the flirting happened BEFORE they went on the trip right? She then waited two days,until she was ON the trip, to inform him of all the flirting and propositioning going on. So, IMO, she took ANY mutual decision out of his hands. 

You know:
I'm going by myself.
We are all going together.
No one is going.


----------



## GusPolinski

lenzi said:


> Please stay on topic, thanks.


----------



## DoneWithHurting

ok GusPolinski, staying on topic... - IMHO... No she did not do the right thing and needs a consequence that hurts so she doesn't do it again and OP can rest easy not looking over his shoulder every day.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I didn't read the thread prior to this so I don't know the extent of the initial affair. 
What I read came across to me like a mom put in a position where she was afraid of the reaction she would get from a husband trying to cope with an affair and how it would relate to the trip she was going on with her daughter.
She had to weigh the possible reaction from her husband that could affect her daughter and decide from there.
Lord knows I'm no expert in this.
Lord knows I have a beautiful wife who did have an EA. I am literally just now in the process of reconciliation. It is going well, thankfully.
But both sides have pros and cons...he married someone who is likely to get hit on.
They've had hard times.
She's still likely to get hit on.
She's still a real person and has to make decisions for herself considering his feelings but also her daughters.
He can't monitor her 24-7. She told him what happened.
Idk...you can't live life in anger and jealousy...I mean, you can...but it affects you and everyone around you.
You can definitely handle the situation...and he should. You just don't have to go bsc over an inappropriate comment as long as she didn't play into it.
The cop is a jerk. Society promotes that crap. Then all h*ll breaks loose when people act on it.
Confront...I'm pretty sure once he is confronted...without the need to call the other cops, he won't soon forget it.
You can handle yourself in a way that you don't make everyone else afraid to be around you but that you still get your point across.


----------



## drifting on

CantBelieveThis
"She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever....."

Ouch, I must have read over this in your original post. Would never think of that? She did. It's the "so what, many woman don't care" statement, I wonder what went through your wife's mind when he said that. Knowing she has cheated, I wonder if this statement by him is the reason why she shut him down. Did this statement anger her and she didn't see what he was saying was flattering? Did she wonder if he somehow found out she cheated and that's why he said what he said? Could she possibly think you put him up to saying this to her? You need to know their friendship prior to his statement. From the conversation alone I would be worried about how she felt about his statement above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ripper

I'm thinking the guy has heard or suspects her extramarital activities and figured her for an easy mark.

When she rejected his advance, he couldn't just say "well, you did it before" without torpedoing his chances, so he tries pushing thru her defense with:



CantBelieveThis said:


> he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care".


With everything that has went down the last couple of years, she should have informed you immediately. 

She is still doing whatever she wants to do regardless of how you feel about it. The only difference is that she now is informing you after the fact, where before she probably wasn't telling you anything.

If you haven't already, you might want to look over "Acoa" threads.


----------



## Brem

new here, but thought of this. This comment did not come out of the blue from the cop. There had to be some conversation prior to this, and likely not good, to go from innocent to this extreme comment. I just don't see a man randomly walking up to someone (no matter how beautiful) without first thinking there was a doorway for that type of comment. 

Because of your wife's history, any type of conversation with males you don't know should be done. My guess, this was an inappropriate conversation to warrant that comment and that should be dealt with.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I didn't read the thread prior to this so I don't know the extent of the initial affair.
> What I read came across to me like a mom put in a position where she was afraid of the reaction she would get from a husband trying to cope with an affair and how it would relate to the trip she was going on with her daughter.
> She had to weigh the possible reaction from her husband that could affect her daughter and decide from there.


She waits until there is a huge distance, tells her husband this guy wants to f* me, on a trip where this guy is at and hopes he isn't going to be angry..........



Sorry, there is no way you can spin this where I see your version.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Brem said:


> new here, but thought of this. This comment did not come out of the blue from the cop. There had to be some conversation prior to this and likely not good to go from innocent to this extreme comment. I just don't see a man randomly walking up to someone (no matter how beautiful) without first thinking there was a doorway for that type of comment.


I was trying to avoid this, but it is immediately where my mind went because of the delay.


----------



## Brem

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I was trying to avoid this, but it is immediately where my mind went because of the delay.


I can understand the delay. My husband is a controlling, jealous freak and I get very nervous to tell him certain things. Something like a man hitting on me would send my gut into shambles. 

But, because of her history, there should have been no delay and then to go on a trip with the man without giving her husband an opportunity to assess the situation first...not good.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

It's okay. You don't have to see it, it is just my opinion.
The more angles to consider may spread more light on the subject.


----------



## 2ntnuf

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I was trying to avoid this, but it is immediately where my mind went because of the delay.


Yeah, I forced it out of my head while reading other posts and "giving the benefit of the doubt". I didn't really want him to be shocked and set back. It's hard not to consider this.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> It's okay. You don't have to see it, it is just my opinion.
> The more angles to consider may spread more light on the subject.


I know it is okay, it's why I vehemently disagree with your version in context to the delay and phone call during the trip. 

Fear I get. Fear means you don't tell or you tell when you get back. If she was that afraid of his reaction, wanting to protect the trip, she isn't going to call during the trip to let him stew and make it worse. IMO, it is why people are saying wrong and manipulation.

That's absurd on the surface.


----------



## TRy

CantBelieveThis said:


> W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.


 First, she should not be talking to him at all, even politely. It is OK to be rude to someone that openly propositioned her for sex even knowing that she was married. Second, she does not want you to talk to him because he did not go there without encouragement from your wife, and she does not want him telling you that. Her relationship with this guy is such that he felt that it was she was open for sex with him. She must agree to go full not contact with this guy, as their relationship is no longer strictly platonic. Third, she did not tell you about it until she was on the trip, because she wanted to go on the trip, and because she may not have wanted you to try to go.


----------



## GusPolinski

Honestly, the delay may have been over something as simple as not wanting her daughter to miss out on the trip. Even still, she handled it incorrectly.

CBT, is your daughter especially friendly w/ DBC's (d**chebag cop) daughter?

Also, have you asked your wife for any details w/ respect to the progression of the conversation leading up to the "Sooo... you wanna f*ck?" moment...?


----------



## GusPolinski

CantBelieveThis said:


> W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.


Nonononononono... they shouldn't be talking AT ALL at this point.

AYFKM? HOW does she not understand this?!?



TRy said:


> First, she should not be talking to him at all, even politely. It is OK to be rude to someone that openly propositioned her for sex even knowing that she was married. Second, she does not want you to talk to him because he did not go there without encouragement from your wife, and she does not want him telling you that. She must agree to go full not contact with this guy.Third, she did not tell you about it until she was on the trip, because she wanted to go on the trip, and because she may not have wanted you to try to go.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I see what you're saying and I must have misread that. I had been under the impression she did wait until she got back home. That's my fault.


----------



## yeah_right

Has this cop propositioned every mom on the cheer team? If not, then why is your wife the special snowflake selected? Is she just so beautiful that the cop became smitten? No, she flirted with him just enough that he thought he was "in". If she's already had a previous affair...totally unacceptable.

After my H's EA, I told him that no other woman should ever think she has a chance with him. In the OP's case, the cop should never have felt comfortable enough to verbalize that.

Outside of bars and that one weird time in a grocery store, I have never been openly asked by a guy to fvck him without giving him some indication beforehand that I'm open to his advances.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, the delay may have been over something as simple as not wanting her daughter to


Truthfully, If she told him when they got back I'd believe it was that simple. Adding undue stress during the actual trip, even if she felt guilty, makes zero sense to me.


----------



## Dogbert

There is that trust factor again. She wants you to trust her and her decisions but she isn't willing to extend the same to you. What is wrong with this picture?


----------



## 2ntnuf

I almost posted that the audience may have overheard the conversation and she had to tell something. Maybe some talk with the other parents there that day would be in order?


----------



## GusPolinski

2ntnuf said:


> I almost posted that the audience may have overheard the conversation and she had to tell something. Maybe some talk with the other parents there that day would be in order?


Nah, I wouldn't go there. I'd first make it very clear to my wife that there would be ZERO contact w/ this guy going forward. None. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

Next, I'd confront the guy. The conversation would start out politely and would increase in intensity as needed. If I needed to threaten him w/ going to the head of his department to get my message across, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. I wouldn't lead w/ it, but I'd make sure that he knew that it's on the table. And I'd probably have a VAR in my pocket the entire time (read up on state laws first). Oh, and make sure that your vehicle registration and inspection are up to date before you talk w/ him. 

If, once all of this has been done, he still didn't get the message, I'd probably start talking w/ other parents (especially the other fathers) in the cheer group in order to clue them into the fact that the guy is a d**chebag. That's after, of course, I'd already made good on my promise to file a complaint w/ the head of his department.

BTW, via what means are they still in contact? Do they call/text/FB w/ each other at all or are they in contact solely when at cheer events?


----------



## Clay2013

It doesn't sound good. Do you really trust what she said? I mean lets be honest she waited for two days? Was your birthday coming up? Just exactly when is the best time to tell your spouse these things? I was always under the impression it was right away. The fact your just taking a back seat to this is probably the reason why she feels its ok to continue her behavior. There would be no way in hell I wouldn't go have words with the cop. The next thing I would do is make my way to his station with my wife to report his behavior. She would either stand behind her word and face it or pack her bags. As far as her going around him again well that would be a done deal. I might even go so far as getting a restraining order against him and let him have that on his record.

Her telling you to not do anything. UMMM Hello!!!!!!

What is that telling you? 

If it was me I wouldn't waste another minute of my life on her. She is a cheater and she still has the mind of one as well. Your never going to change her behavior because she doesn't want to change it. 

Life is to short to continue to play these games. If she was really all that worried about your feeling she would have called you right after it happened. 

Clay


----------



## yeah_right

GusPolinski said:


> BTW, via what means are they still in contact? Do they call/text/FB w/ each other at all or are they in contact solely when at cheer events?


I had a cheer kid years ago. Unless the OP's wife or the cop is a team parent, there really should be no need to communicate at all. Most teams don't even want the parents at practices. Dump them at the door and pick them up later. Competitions are a zoo with tons of people and there is no need for them to be hanging out. 

And with the travel competitions, moms will go hang out for drinks. If he's there, she should be finding something else to do. But any straight man who hung with the moms was eyed with distrust anyway. Also, it's a terrible sport for gossip so be assured that moms are already talking, no matter how discreet they think they are.


----------



## 2ntnuf

yeah_right said:


> I had a cheer kid years ago. Unless the OP's wife or the cop is a team parent, there really should be no need to communicate at all. Most teams don't even want the parents at practices. Dump them at the door and pick them up later. Competitions are a zoo with tons of people and there is no need for them to be hanging out.
> 
> And with the travel competitions, moms will go hang out for drinks. If he's there, she should be finding something else to do. But any straight man who hung with the moms was eyed with distrust anyway. Also, it's a terrible sport for gossip so be assured that moms are already talking, no matter how discreet they think they are.


What's a cheer kid? Is that like a cheerleader or a flag waver in the band for the football team? I'm not up on these terms. 

I guess the flag waver is color guard? I'm not sure.

I agree, kids and coaches don't want parents distracting practices.


----------



## Cobalt

I would challenge the cop to a "walk off", Zoolander-style


----------



## yeah_right

2ntnuf said:


> What's a cheer kid? Is that like a cheerleader or a flag waver in the band for the football team? I'm not up on these terms.
> 
> I guess the flag waver is color guard? I'm not sure.
> 
> I agree, kids and coaches don't want parents distracting practices.


I'm assuming this is all-star cheerleading. It's the kind you see on TV with the choreographed routines, crazy stunts and tumbling...not the high school football rah-rah type. All-star cheer costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

They will practice several times per week for a few hours each time. The parents that do stay at the gym sit in a separate area where they gossip (or flirt).

They will compete in several competitions a year. Each competition is an all-day thing (think of the Dance Moms show for an idea). When they travel, they stay in hotels. The moms usually go out to eat in their cliques and then hang out in hotel rooms doing hair or in the bar drinking and chatting.

Plenty of opportunity for shenanigans.


----------



## Cobalt

yeah_right said:


> I'm assuming this is all-star cheerleading. It's the kind you see on TV with the choreographed routines, crazy stunts and tumbling...not the high school football rah-rah type. All-star cheer costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
> 
> They will practice several times per week for a few hours each time. The parents that do stay at the gym sit in a separate area where they gossip (or flirt).
> 
> They will compete in several competitions a year. Each competition is an all-day thing (think of th*e Dance Moms *show for an idea). When they travel, they stay in hotels. The moms usually go out to eat in their cliques and then hang out in hotel rooms doing hair or in the bar drinking and chatting.
> 
> Plenty of opportunity for shenanigans.


My daughter and I watch that  ALDC


----------



## convert

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She waits until there is a huge distance, tells her husband this guy wants to f* me, on a trip where this guy is at and hopes he isn't going to be angry..........
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, there is no way you can spin this where I see your version.


Absolutely

I mean absoooofokinglutly


----------



## convert

Brem said:


> new here, but thought of this.* This comment did not come out of the blue from the cop. There had to be some conversation prior to this, and likely not good, to go from innocent to this extreme comment.** I just don't see a man randomly walking up to someone (no matter how beautiful) without first thinking there was a doorway for that type of comment. *
> 
> Because of your wife's history, any type of conversation with males you don't know should be done. My guess, this was an inappropriate conversation to warrant that comment and that should be dealt with.


:iagree:

I agree I have never seen 




well maybe at a country bar at the end of the night but not a family or school event even in the country or even in my crazy town

I can't imagine going up to a women and asking to have sex and then if she says no what then? do ask if a blow job is out of the question? 
I can imagine it hurts getting punched in the throat


----------



## convert

TRy said:


> *First, she should not be talking to him at all, even politely. It is OK to be rude to someone that openly propositioned her for sex even knowing that she was married.* Second, she does not want you to talk to him because he did not go there without encouragement from your wife, and she does not want him telling you that. *Her relationship with this guy is such that he felt that it was she was open for sex with him. She must agree to go full not contact with this guy,* as their relationship is no longer strictly platonic. Third, she did not tell you about it until she was on the trip, because she wanted to go on the trip, and because she may not have wanted you to try to go.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I wanted to high light this

7 font was the biggest i could choose from


----------



## chillymorn

trust broken with first affair.
not doing too well reestablishing trust since.

Start thinking hard if you want more of this $hit!

only you know if in your heart shes making the grade. listen to it.

act accordingly.


go see a concealer by your self explain whats going on might help you see the big picture. 
good luck.


----------



## convert

and as I said before GO WITH HER TO THESE MEETS all of them

[email protected] block
mate guard


----------



## CantBelieveThis

wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.

1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)

2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.

3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.

4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....

5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.

6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....

7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


----------



## convert

she is on a slippery slope and you need to help her off of it.

GO WITH HER TO EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE MEETS


----------



## 2ntnuf

> ....just my gut tells me this...


----------



## convert

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading..*.she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care*, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


you should always care. this was a sh!t test.

only 1.5 year (18 months) out of dday mam oh man


----------



## yeah_right

Your wife (or you) might want to tell the coach/owner about the situation. From my experience, they don't want anyone or anything to disrupt the money train. Plus, any potential loss of a cheerleader because once the competition season starts, it's a pain to fill in missing spots of the routine. A dad hitting on the clientele is probably not what they want.

A word from the coach/owner to the cop reminding him that this is a sports facility for children and not Match.com might help a lot.


----------



## MarriedDude

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! *She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.*


I promise....I would bet the farm...he isn't done with your wife. 
Be ready when you confront him. Have a plan. 

If it was me...I would get real devious...hell, hearing about the camera already gave me a couple of ideas that would cause him to lose his badge and get a sign in his yard. Make it a fun project. He's making it a fun project to move through the cheer moms. 

Accusations (even a few voiced concerns to the right people) have more power than the truth. That is the sad reality. He chose to work for the public in a high profile position like LE. He then chose to try to bang married women. Choices have consequences. 

Not that I would advocate anything illegal/unethical/etc....


----------



## G.J.

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> *Sorry BUT if he goes then she doesn't and your kid will suffer until you can find anther venue as your wife F--KED UP
> You both have to sit your daughter down and tell her a watered down version of what happened or
> Wife drops her off and can only stay when dad can make it*
> 
> 2. *She admits she screwed up* how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> *It doesn't matter what she says she didn't tell you straight away which is bad enough BUT when she's away for the week end W.T.F. is that about
> Tell her this is the last chance she gets, any more crap about worrying about what you will say doesn't wash and she didn't tell you for her own ends which you need to also spell out, It means she deceived you no matter which way she try's to spin it and she knows why*
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time.She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> 
> *So why the heck didn't she tell you this then....Tell her would she expect you to have told her if the same happened to you by a women ?*
> 
> 
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him,
> 
> *O,M,G, Is she real ???????
> LAST LAST LAST CHANCE DRILL IT IN HER THICK SKULL *
> 
> I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> *So what...How do you know now as she wouldn't want to tell you at the minute as the winds not blowing in the right direction or Russia hasn't admitted to invading Ukraine*
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....
> 
> *After her last trip the other year I guess she would have learnt some thing*
> 
> She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me *she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again,* etc....
> *
> Well it was a complete fail...................*
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> *Ring any bells*
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> *Perhaps some one over heard and she was worried it might get back to you ...who knows anything could have happened the way this has come out*
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.
> 
> *Confront in the presence of the other mums and be loud but not shouting AND KEEP YOUR COOL
> Do not tell your wife before and not in front of D*


----------



## convert

G.J. is right


this last post did not help you wife's case any 

at an absolute minimum you have to go to everyone of these meets (this is the minimum).


----------



## yeah_right

Unless your D is under age 10 AND on a senior level team, or if she's a flyer on a fully-stunting team, there is zero reason for mom to be at the gym. And even in those cases I'm saying it might be ok in case of injury. My guess is it's not this issue because she has plenty of time to flirt. But if she's available by cell, she's still able to drop off and pick up the kiddo without ever getting out of her car.

If she's already had an affair, then handing out her phone number to dudes, texting dudes, getting pics taken by dudes and flirting with dudes is off limits forever.

I was tempted to go read your story, but I think I'll just really dislike your wife...so I'll refrain.

You need to show your face at the gym and competitions, and your W needs to act like a mom and a married woman in front of her child.


----------



## G.J.

Also GPS will show where she goes after drop off if she has to run an .......<cough>errand


----------



## Dogbert

CantBelieveThis said:


> I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


Keep your emotions in check when you confront him. Emotional outbursts show impotence and weakness.


----------



## weightlifter

He doesnt gave a lot of game.

He's shotgunning, banking on his badge.

For some fun... His current interest... Take a pic of them together and too close, ERASE the metadata, send pic to her husband with a little note that barney fife has bedded at least one of the other moms and hes now talking to his wife...

Disrupting a predator player. Send from someplace untraceable.


----------



## GusPolinski

yeah_right said:


> If she's already had an affair, then handing out her phone number to dudes, texting dudes, getting pics taken by dudes and flirting with dudes is off limits forever.



Word.


----------



## Wolf1974

ConanHub said:


> I am ruthless. Cops are far more vulnerable to repercussions from off duty behavior than other vocations. I actually expect higher standards of conduct from law enforcement officers. This guy did this to Mrs. Conan and he probably wouldn't be working in the same region anymore and he damn sure wouldn't be writing me or her a ticket ever again.
> 
> Protect and serve my ass. Once she said no that she was married and he kept up the pressure, it could be construed as harassment. He is a true idiot and no wonder he is divorced.


It wouldn't work but if it made you feel better to try I say go for it


----------



## Ripper

I've heard enough. This is the rest of your life unless you want to lock her in the house. 

She may have been a great spouse up until sometime before her affair, but now its sounds like she is addicted to the ego kibbles outside male attention brings.

If a new member had posted this, even without the back story of infidelity, people would still be screaming that something is wrong.

Sorry man, she should be living at the foot of the cross right now, not seeing how far she can push boundaries.


----------



## GusPolinski

Wolf1974 said:


> It wouldn't work but if it made you feel better to try I say go for it


Wolf, you're an LEO, correct? What course of action -- if any -- would you recommend?

Note that I'm not being at all sarcastic... I'm genuinely asking.


----------



## alte Dame

This isn't at all surprising to me. She admits that she purposely manipulated you. It seemed obvious to me from the start of this thread.

She consciously avoided transparency on this until there was nothing you could do about the trip. I can just hear the wayward voice in her head, 'I really can't handle his drama right now. It will completely mess up our plans.'

She's a piece of work, OP. Transparency and remorse are not things to be manipulated for her convenience. Sorry, but they just are not.


----------



## seasalt

Sounds like she's putting out a vibe that she shouldn't be. Secondly she shouldn't be giving out her phone number and texting with another guy no matter what his excuse. Let him call or text you for information about your family.

Saying she knows she was wrong really doesn't mean anything with her history. She was wrong before and it seems she didn't learn anything.

Think long and hard about how you respond to what she did. No consequences, no behavioral changes.

Good luck,

Seasalt


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

CantBelieveThis said:


> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. *She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera*...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point *she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event,* she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> *She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc.*..and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.


Seriously? He's a dog, but the story you just told makes your wife look pretty dang bad as well.The cynic in me wonders if she WANTS you to overreact. That way, as she knows your anger, you won't believe a damn thing he says.
I am not saying don't protect your marriage, I'm saying cool off and get the entire story.


----------



## jim123

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


She did ok with some improvement needed. You never would have known if she did not tell you. If there was anything more, she would not have told you.

WW needs to shut these down sooner. The picture thing should have been the final straw. Any flirting also should mean NC with the guy.

She needs to send him a NC text and block the number. 

Make sure you confront with other people around so they hear. Tell him you thought he was a friend but you were wrong.

Either you or your fWW should tell him any new attempt will be met with an RO.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

Okay I still don't get all the hate and venom.
They have a real relationship and it isn't always going to be perfect. He can't lock her up and if she is ever going to feel like she can tell him anything, she has to get to that point on her own and with him not berating her and making a scene she does. 
They can divorce and split the rest of their daughter's life together and start all over with someone else and the additional baggage of another failed marriage and more step parents and split holidays or they can find solid ground through these moments.
Unless he has been 100% perfect and always will be...work this out without making her feel like a prisoner and without embarrassing their daughter.


----------



## ConanHub

Wolf1974 said:


> It wouldn't work but if it made you feel better to try I say go for it


Yeah. Because an officer that is actively trying to break up families hasn't compromised his ability to pull over this wife at all.

If OP really wanted blood, this idiot just set himself up. Look good? You actively try to knowingly fvck another man's wife and then pull her over to give her a ticket?

Even if he has laid off, he has set himself up. Appearances matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

wmn1 said:


> actually as a Cop, my superiors wouldn't take it lightly. They couldn't do anything to him over it unless it was affecting the workplace. if it was an affair with one of his co-worker's wives, he could be severely disciplined. However, with that being said, the department would find another way of dealing with him or making his life miserable.
> 
> I have mixed feelings on this case. It sounds like she did the right thing in rejecting him but she did take too long to tell you about what he did. That is not a good thing. Now if you were a hot head and her telling you at the scene would have prompted a fight and you getting in trouble, then her waiting would have been ok. But not waiting until after the weekend.
> 
> I hate to ask this, are you sure she is as stoic to this guy as she says ?


You are correct except if they file an RO which will cost him his job.


----------



## ConanHub

Aside from moron cop, she really should have stopped this guy cold a lot sooner and OP should have had his hackles up when they were texting and flirty photos were being taken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YupItsMe

Drop the hammer on this a$$hole please. He thinks he's slick

**** up his job, his custody and his relationship with the group and ask him if he is having fun yet as you ruin his life. 

Doosh bags get the royal doosh bag treatment. Ruthless balls out no mercy with this prick 

Put this piece if $hit out of business for us all

End of story


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

ConanHub said:


> OP should have had his hackles up when they were texting and flirty photos were being taken.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly? His hackles have been broken and I'll leave it at that. 

I'm still trying to figure out how locked up people go on trips by themselves...??


----------



## YupItsMe

She should have shut him down when he was doing the bull$hit with the camara and giving out her number? 

Utterly inexcusable. 

She still has boundary issues and making good decisions

Zero contact. Nothing less.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

wmn1 said:


> I hate to ask this, are you sure she is as stoic to this guy as she says ?


Boy, your response is going to be interesting when you read the newest post.


----------



## EI

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how locked up people go on trips by themselves...??


Personally, this fWS thinks that the OP's fWS handled this situation very poorly and that there may, in fact, be a whole lot more to this story than the OP is aware of. I see red flags all over it. 

I wanted to state that because, contrary to what some people on TAM may believe, I am not a WS apologist or defender. What I am is a defender of both parties in a marriage acknowledging all of the facts surrounding infidelity, particularly, if they are choosing to attempt an R. 

However, with that being said, would you mind clarifying what you meant in the above sentence? I honestly hope that I'm just so exhausted tonight that my brain is having trouble comprehending what you wrote.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

EI said:


> However, with that being said, would you mind clarifying what you meant in the above sentence? I honestly hope that I'm just so exhausted tonight that my brain is having trouble comprehending what you wrote.


Someone keeps talking about how he can't keep her locked up, but she was out traveling without him.


----------



## EI

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Someone keeps talking about how he can't keep her locked up, but she was out traveling without him.


Thank you so much for responding, philly. I feel so much better, now.  Geeeez, I am tired and I had apparently missed that post.


----------



## Archangel2

intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> I thought of this too. This would explain why he did such an outrageous thing; propositioning a married mother at her kids sport practice...
> 
> Do you live in a smaller community where word may have gotten around that your wife had an affair?


CBT - By chance, is the cop's D a friend of your D. I recall from your other thread that your D called your W a sl*t. Perhaps she vented to the cop's D and he overheard?


----------



## Q tip

why have you not gone caveman...?

MMSLP...


----------



## Sports Fan

Given her stuff up with another bloke the first time any male friends from now on should be off limits. No ifs no buts no maybe's.

There is more here than you know. At the very least there has probably been some inappropriate flirting and conversations before hand.

Dont sit back and let her dictate how you should handle it. This is why she is the way she is. You let her slide the first time.

Take action. Next chance you get confront him. Tell him your wife is off limits and he is not to talk to her again given his complete lack of respect of you and your marriage.

Dont let your wife guilt you but the kids get along etc. He lost that privelage when he asked your wife to fu..ck him.

By confronting him at cheerleading you are showing your wife and him that you will not tolerate this crap.

PS: Mid last year whilst at my childrens sporting event there was also a single father who's child was good friends with mine. I overheard the wife telling him that he was welcome to come over on a kids date.

Now i travel for work and when i got home i told her this guy is not to come over when im not at home.

The following week i went away for the week and i came home on the Friday about 6pm. Guess who was there from 12pm onwards? Luckily for me my parents had visited that day from 10am. They would not leave until i got home.

Point im trying to make is the very next week at kids sporting event he was confronted and told that i have no problem with the kids having play dates but any future arrangements are to be done with me and visiting my wife when im not home is off limits.

Wife was thoroughly embarrased but lesson was learnt. Dont disreguard things i tell her and cross boundaries


----------



## Voltaire2013

Cbt,

If she didn't give him her phone number how in the hell was he texting her? Sorry if this was covered already, I didn't see it. 

Personally I think the bigger issue is your wife, her love of attention and lack of boundaries. The cop guy is a symptom. Attack the disease. 

Cheers,
V(13)


Cheers,


CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


----------



## Wolf1974

GusPolinski said:


> Wolf, you're an LEO, correct? What course of action -- if any -- would you recommend?
> 
> Note that I'm not being at all sarcastic... I'm genuinely asking.


Same as you would do any guy, his job has no bearing on it. I would definetly say you call him out on it, in public, and make it embarrassing. It's what I would do.


----------



## Wolf1974

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. Because an officer that is actively trying to break up families hasn't compromised his ability to pull over this wife at all.
> 
> If OP really wanted blood, this idiot just set himself up. Look good? You actively try to knowingly fvck another man's wife and then pull her over to give her a ticket?
> 
> Even if he has laid off, he has set himself up. Appearances matter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy projecting batman......

He is a loser who is trying to break up a family. Profession has nothing to do with that. Firefighters do this are you going to make a leap they aren't going to come put out your house Fire too??


----------



## ConanHub

Wolf1974 said:


> Holy projecting batman......
> 
> He is a loser who is trying to break up a family. Profession has nothing to do with that. Firefighters do this are you going to make a leap they aren't going to come put out your house Fire too??


Fire fighters don't have the power of state to detain married women that they are trying to fvck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub

OP. Don't feel pressured to do anything outside your comfort zone or ability. I would annihilate this idiot full frontal but I can back my play. No shame in fighting to win. Know yourself and if passive aggressive works for you then use it.

A little embarrassment might go a long way for him. He is using his daughter's cheer activities to treat the mothers involved like fvck buddies. Guy doesn't sound too smart and I bet he has a history of cheating. Might have broken more than just his own family in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

ConanHub said:


> Fire fighters don't have the power of state to detain married women that they are trying to fvck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:wtf:

How does some jerk who made a pass, who just happens to be a LEO, get turned into illegal stops. The jerk made one pass, got rebuffed, and nothing ever happened again. 

If the jerk happened to be regular joe schmoe, no one would give a crap and be all over the OP's WW for not being transparent.

It takes reasonable suspicion and/or PC to make a stop. How did you make the leap to oppression under colour of law where there was nothing at all to indicate that?


----------



## YupItsMe

If you call the guy out at a cheer event the only embarrassment will be the OPs daughter. 

Do none of you have daughters? There is a place for everything and his daughters function isn't it. 

Cut his balls off. Im all for it but anyone that thinks its wise or fair to repair his ego at his daughters events is misguided, self-centered and deeply inconsiderate of the OPs daughter.

Vuck this prick up all you want but don't screw up your daughters dignity at her FUN activity.

WTF?

For the record my daughter is in competitive cheer. We went to an event last week and stayed in a hotel. There was no dad there other than me. I am very confrontational, relentless and would offer no mercy on this piece if chit but not at my daughters event. 

This event was 6 hours from home and an all day event. When the events are closer a few more dads show up but the majority do not attend. 

The idea of causing a scene at a children's event is poor taste and embarrassing for everyone. 

Not cool


----------



## YupItsMe

ConanHub said:


> Fire fighters don't have the power of state to detain married women that they are trying to fvck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: and it happens. Seen it. Heard about it. Not cool. Epic dooshbaggery


----------



## ConanHub

lordmayhem said:


> :wtf:
> 
> How does some jerk who made a pass, who just happens to be a LEO, get turned into illegal stops. The jerk made one pass, got rebuffed, and nothing ever happened again.
> 
> If the jerk happened to be regular joe schmoe, no one would give a crap and be all over the OP's WW for not being transparent.
> 
> It takes reasonable suspicion and/or PC to make a stop. How did you make the leap to oppression under colour of law where there was nothing at all to indicate that?


You telling me this moron didn't just compromise his ability to pull this woman over in the near future in any way? I'll look into it more. I believe a strong argument could be made that this officer's off duty behavior has impacted his ability to perform his duty, at least where this woman is concerned. You want him pulling your wife over after telling her he doesn't care that she is married with children? He wants to fvck her anyway?

Nothing hard might happen but he could definitely be made to feel some heat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974

ConanHub said:


> Fire fighters don't have the power of state to detain married women that they are trying to fvck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And neither does a cop legally so let's not project that he is doing that. He's an ******* cheater like the rest......not violating the law


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

YupItsMe said:


> The idea of causing a scene at a children's event is poor taste and embarrassing for everyone.
> 
> Not cool


No one said he should do it at an event. Still if the issue occurred there, I see no problem with a discussion in the same place. He can use tact and still get his point across.


----------



## Wolf1974

ConanHub said:


> You telling me this moron didn't just compromise his ability to pull this woman over in the near future in any way? I'll look into it more. I believe a strong argument could be made that this officer's off duty behavior has impacted his ability to perform his duty, at least where this woman is concerned. You want him pulling your wife over after telling her he doesn't care that she is married with children? He wants to fvck her anyway?
> 
> Nothing hard might happen but he could definitely be made to feel some heat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I said if it makes you feel better complain but I have investigated these cases before. Unless he is on duty, policy violation, or breaking the law which hitting on a married woman is not then thier will be no complaint taken. Way too much being made out if this guys job. He was on duty then I get it but he isn't so he is no different than any citizen / d bag cheater


----------



## YupItsMe

I guess some people don't get out much.


----------



## YupItsMe

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No one said he should do it at an event. Still if the issue occurred there, I see no problem with a discussion in the same place. He can use tact and still get his point across.


Post 12,15, 22, 23 before I got bored looking and you just vucking said it in your own post. 

Like I said. Not cool. It isn't tactful even if it's polite. You have no idea how he will react so the only tactful thing to do is find a suitable location and his daughters event isn't it.

We disagree but get your facts straight. Are you drunk contradicting what you just said in the same post? WTF?

Somebody confronts me when I am at my daughters event is going to have issues if they don't get out of my face when politely asked to do so. That's not the place caveman or not.

If he reacts badly at an event you have a shot at an endangering the welfare of a child charge and whom do you suppose will get the arrested? the cop?

Next step is child protective services at your house for an investigation of your parenting skills. Yea that sounds real phucking intelligent.


----------



## ConanHub

Wolf1974 said:


> As I said if it makes you feel better complain but I have investigated these cases before. Unless he is on duty, policy violation, or breaking the law which hitting on a married woman is not then thier will be no complaint taken. Way too much being made out if this guys job. He was on duty then I get it but he isn't so he is no different than any citizen / d bag cheater


Heat can be brought in a lot of ways. I am relentless. You're not looking at this from the same angle I am. I would not break any laws either but this guy would be a negative to his department by the time I was done with him. If he immediately got some humility and stopped hitting on women at cheer squad, I would relent. Even if he didn't break the law, I could and would bring relentless heat and embarrassment on him until he was out of my picture. I'm wired that way and get enjoyment from causing creeps discomfort. This guy tarnished his own rep even if he broke no laws. I would just broadcast what he is and see how he held up. I bet he has dirt in his past about this same shyt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

YupItsMe said:


> Post 12,15, 22, 23 before I got bored looking and you just vucking said it in your own post.
> 
> Like I said. Not cool. It isn't tactful even if it's polite. You have no idea how he will react so the only tactful thing to do is find a suitable location and his daughters event isn't it.
> 
> We disagree but get your facts straight. Are you drunk contradicting what you just said in the same post? WTF?
> 
> Somebody confronts me when I am at my daughters event is going to have issues if they don't get out of my face when politely asked to do so. That's not the place caveman or not.


Mostly agree with your other posts but any jack ass asks my wife to fvck at my daughter's event better tuck his tail quick or I will yank it off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe

ConanHub said:


> Mostly agree with your other posts but any jack ass asks my wife to fvck at my daughter's event better tuck his tail quick or I will yank it off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed if there when it goes down but you cant go back to a later event and confront in my view. 

I am also relentless and vicious but a bad move is a bad move and the two scenarios are different. 

I would have looked up this prick as soon as I found out about it and confronted him wherever he was outside of near children.


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## G.J.

Just woke up in the early hours over here in blightly
some thing was just playing on my mind and i couldnt put my finger on it untill..........


Why did she phone when away .
THAT WOULDNT BE THE BEST TIME
Answer is some thing went down....is you D aware of what your wife did the other year if so she may have caught some thing she wasnt happy with and so the wife paniked and phoned you

What time On what day of the weekend did she phone you


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## ConanHub

Hey Wolf. Peace. I dig your POV. I'm confident I could take this guy down, you don't think so. I'm cool with your opinion. 

The WW does have a lot of shaping up to do and I don't want to derail the thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J.

May be worth feeling out D to see what she come up with and if shes aware of her mums prior behavious then she will know what your after so reassure her you guys wont split as that would be her greatest worry if she knows some thing


----------



## YupItsMe

G.J. said:


> May be worth feeling out D to see what she come up with and if shes aware of her mums prior behavious then she will know what your after so reassure her you guys wont split as that would be her greatest worry if she knows some thing


:wtf:


----------



## BobSimmons

I don't get it? Did the cop proposition her in one day or was this "getting friendly" over a duration of time?

One suddenly doesn't just ask a married women straight up (after a couple of hours/minutes of him flirting *she had to have flirted back right, or he wasn't getting shut down..he had incentive*) to sleep with him.

So the question is over how long was this flirting? Why didn't she shut him down if this was over a period of time? If it was in the period of a couple of hours again why didn't she shut it down.

And the not telling until after the event? Not good enough. Not buying the unsure of your reaction, you'd be angry bit. She knows she flirted back and didn't shut it down. Guilt plays a part in this because had this guy flirted and it not been reciprocated and he suddenly popped the question, she knew she would have been in the right and had nothing to worry about from her end. Her conscience would have been clear.


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## italianjob

G.J. said:


> Just woke up in the early hours over here in blightly
> some thing was just playing on my mind and i couldnt put my finger on it untill..........
> 
> 
> Why did she phone when away .
> THAT WOULDNT BE THE BEST TIME
> Answer is some thing went down....is you D aware of what your wife did the other year if so she may have caught some thing she wasnt happy with and so the wife paniked and phoned you
> 
> What time On what day of the weekend did she phone you


Yeah, I think that timing is a very BIG red flag.

She should have told you right away, but once she decided not to tell you, the logical timing would be telling you after the trip, not calling midway through it. Never heard of something like that, it's just too weird IMO.

I agree with G.J. someone saw or heard something that made her want to tell you on the spot, so I think there's something fishy going on.

It might be that your daughter noticed something or it might be somebody else on that trip. Your D was very afraid you might be divorcing, I remember, so she might be keeping her observation to herself to avoid rocking the boat. 

Don't ask anything to your D, she doesn't need to be involved any more than she already is, but watch closely how the relationship with her mother is working these days, if she seems somehow resentful or something...

If there is more or not, your wife is not handling very well her behaviour with opposite sex for a reconciling WS, IMO. 
She has no business giving out her phone number to other men without you knowing, especially if these men have been flirting with her.

I also think it's very unlikely that a man would ask a married woman for sex in this setting if he didn't have reason to think she could have been willing, so the flirting must have been quite heavier than you know IMO.


----------



## warlock07

CantBelieveThis said:


> posting in a new thread, but many of you know my story. We are still in R even thou I have struggled a lot, but slowly moving forward.
> 
> So there is this dad (a cop, divorced....his daughter is a very close friends with ours) at our daughters cheerleading club that was getting friendly with her and she told me he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking....wtf?!?
> 
> She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care". She totally shut him down and told him not to go there again ever.....
> so the problem - she told me two days later after it happened....she says she was most definitely going to tell me (and she did tell me w/o me asking) but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.
> The other thing too is that she was going away with my daughter on a cheerleading trip over the weekend where this guy was also going, it was during the trip that she told me about all this. She didnt want to tell me before going on the trip because she was afraid I would be a mess about it knowing he was also going. I was livid with her about this obviously. She kept in touch with me continuously during the trip and said the guy never made a move on her or said anything other than talking about the event and stuff along with other parents there
> 
> This issue of her fearing my reaction is not cool with me, and I thought we were passed that....so that in itself is something that disappoints me, so we fought over that a lot since....and I have reminded her that these kinds of things need to be told immediately, regardless of what she thinks my reaction will be or no matter how well does she think she handled it.
> 
> I have always been used to guys hitting on her, she is very good looking, great body, gets ask if she is a model, blah, blah...all the time, so not something new or that bothers me a lot....but a freakin cop??? and for him to say is not a prob that she is married?? wtf is going on in this world?!?!
> W doesnt want me to do anything or to approach him, she told me she handled and that he has kept his distance and very respectful since, they only talk about cheer stuff and the kids.
> 
> any thoughts or advice? should I have handled it differently? I was very mad about it for a few days but am ok now for the most part and have made things very clear to her on this and its never to happen again



What the **** ?? And there are a lot of events missing in her narration. Talk to this guy and what is going on. He suddenly asks to f*ck her out of the blue and now only talks about cheer stuff and kids ? Don't believe her narrative

Who is this woman ?? This guy literally spit in your face and marriage by asking your wife to cheat with him and she is being cordial with him like a friend ?? And he describes him as being respectful ?


----------



## ConanHub

OP. Want to apologize for getting sidetracked. I have a hard on for cops that act like shyt. Puts a shadow over their department.

I think the real issue is your wife. Socializing with a scumbag that asks married women for sex is a no no for any marriage, much less, one trying to recover from infidelity.

What is your wife thinking? Seriously! The whole situation does seem suspect and she doesn't even want you talking to this guy? Does she really think continued social contact with this schmuck is healthy? Your W has a long way to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting2014

CantBelieveThis said:


> thanks for all the thoughts.
> I am going to the next cheerleading trip in couple weeks and he will be there.....am not sure yet if to confront or not, but at the very least I wont be friendly with him, he will know for sure we arent in good terms.
> 
> I do believe the W, she was very detailed on every level and her story did add up so I am not suspicious. They would only have seen each other at the cheerleading club and even when there she is always in touch with me all the time.
> 
> And believe me I did give her hell over not telling me right away, I told her that what she did was manipulative and something she should know better about by now. She insisted that was not her intent at all.
> 
> it just floors me this guy just asked her to sleep with her just like that, and dismissed her being married as a concern...very likely he sees himself empowered to do that as an officer of the law...sad but i guess its not too uncommon....


IMO this is all about boundaries, new ones because what happened. Need to remind her that this is a new reality, things will get better if R succeed but never will be the same.

She should never talk to this guy again period. If he is not involved in cheerleaders organization there is not reason to talk to him ever.

Regarding to telling you and when she did it, I would like to share a quote from my country:

"No hagas cosas buenas que parezcan malas"
"Don't do good things that look like bad things"

She should have tell you everything from a second after it happened, she should have never talked to this guy again, and she should have avoid any kind of contact with this guy, maybe no trip ,perhaps for your D, but definitely not talking to him about nothing again. Make her clear that is not on her to hide things to avoid an unpleasant outcome. (If I were her, after all, i would have even offer not to go on this trip and explain it to my D why)

She should never had let the conversation gone as fat as this guy asking her to sleep with him, not even use the married excuse as she knows is not a warraty, she should just turn him down hard, really hard, and walked away.

Sorry to tell you but when a guy makes a move and is not firmly and definitely turn down, he may try it again. talking to this guy again may make him believe he has a chance.

I am pretty amazed that your wife, after all that happened, have this lack of perspective and set you back again.

About this guy, no matter if is a cop or not, call him and tell him that your wife has told you everythign and to not talk to her ever again.


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## Suspecting2014

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. *She felt there was nothing to worry about but *


Like when she was hanging out with her AP before he kissed her…
She needs to understand that things may never be the same, so she doesn’t try to behave like before. 



CantBelieveThis said:


> *she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip*. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.


Cheating comes with long term consequences for the entire family, she should know it at this time.


CantBelieveThis said:


> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....hasnt talked to him much since then, except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order.... *She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry*,


This is very good, in fact she feeling this way is great, but in her current situation it is not enough…



CantBelieveThis said:


> *but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. *


It was your call not hers.
She cannot control what others do, but she must honor what she said she would do.
This is like TT, hiding it to protect you until the trip in on going so you cant do nothing..



CantBelieveThis said:


> *She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc.... *


Tell her that a great struggle you have is about how her actions make your feel, and going in a trip with a guy that asked her to sleep with him without telling you make things worse.


CantBelieveThis said:


> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). *I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever*.
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


To be a team, you need to act like a team, no further oneside decisions and hiding info, and less about this matters.


----------



## Suspecting2014

She knew better, 

It was a selfhish decision and thats all.

The problem is that in her current situation that kind of actions may cost her the marriage.

She was lucky this guy didnt try harder bacause she went on that trip without you saying something to this guy. It would be much more hard to explain to you...

Good luck


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## Stillkindofhopefull

I think he has a pretty good handle on things and they seem to be working it out without all threats of consequences.

There were some good points brought up about why this guy thought he could do what he did. I'd be curious as to what left him a single dad. 

If he did know what she had done in the past, and already had a history of not caring about marriage, then he may have been brazen enough to see friendliness as flirty. In today's society where affairs are so common, particularly if he was cheated on which may be why he has custody of his daughter (apparently), maybe he was jaded enough to think such a stupid act would go by unpunished.
It shouldn't, but there is no need for caveman right now unless he is a caveman and doesn't know how to control himself any different.

Sounds to me like he is listening to her and handling it well enough. If she learns from this then they have made it over a tough, but not insurmountable hurdle and there is a family that will stay together and a daughter that won't be going to school today distraught. That takes strength, IMO.


----------



## bfree

EI said:


> Personally, this fWS thinks that the OP's fWS handled this situation very poorly and that there may, in fact, be a whole lot more to this story than the OP is aware of. I see red flags all over it.
> 
> I wanted to state that because, contrary to what some people on TAM may believe, I am not a WS apologist or defender. What I am is a defender of both parties in a marriage acknowledging all of the facts surrounding infidelity, particularly, if they are choosing to attempt an R.
> 
> However, with that being said, would you mind clarifying what you meant in the above sentence? I honestly hope that I'm just so exhausted tonight that my brain is having trouble comprehending what you wrote.


EI, my wife read CBT's last response and she had the same trepidation. She also wonders why he was okay with his wife giving some guy her phone number even if it started off innocent. She said "I haven't had an affair and I won't give my number out to any man, even ones I work with."


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

That is a good point for future situations for sure.
If their daughters were good friends it is a little more understandable but if they have their own phones then there would still be less of a need. 
If he is a single dad and is involved in his daughters events like a good dad should be, at some point he would need another involved adults number...I can see it both ways on this one but it would be the last one.


----------



## bfree

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I think he has a pretty good handle on things and they seem to be working it out without all threats of consequences.
> 
> There were some good points brought up about why this guy thought he could do what he did. I'd be curious as to what left him a single dad.
> 
> If he did know what she had done in the past, and already had a history of not caring about marriage, then he may have been brazen enough to see friendliness as flirty. In today's society where affairs are so common, particularly if he was cheated on which may be why he has custody of his daughter (apparently), maybe he was jaded enough to think such a stupid act would go by unpunished.
> It shouldn't, but there is no need for caveman right now unless he is a caveman and doesn't know how to control himself any different.
> 
> Sounds to me like he is listening to her and handling it well enough. If she learns from this then they have made it over a tough, but not insurmountable hurdle and there is a family that will stay together and a daughter that won't be going to school today distraught. That takes strength, IMO.


But what consequences has she suffered? If this was me I would seriously have to consider pulling my daughter out of this activity and have the mother explain why. CBT's wife obviously still doesn't know what proper boundaries look like and her actions should have a cost.


----------



## bfree

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> That is a good point for future situations for sure.
> If their daughters were good friends it is a little more understandable but if they have their own phones then there would still be less of a need.
> If he is a single dad and is involved in his daughters events like a good dad should be, at some point he would need another involved adults number...I can see it both ways on this one but it would be the last one.


Yup. But obviously he's not a good single dad if he's using his daughter's events as pickup opportunities.


----------



## convert

OP if you haven't done it already be sure to block the guys number in your wife phone or remove it
or if possible forward it to your phone so when he texts or calls it goes to your phone if that is possible.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I guess my question would be, what consequences should she suffer? She handled a situation that she got herself into...whether innocently enough or not, the best way she knew how...whether it was up to the standards of the readers here is irrelevant IF the husband listens to her, can see her side and agrees with it enough that they can learn from it.

Granted, he is asking for opinions which is why we are all commenting. 

I am guess this has been pretty stressful for her as it is. She doesn't appear to be acting like it was no big deal just because she didn't do what others might think would have been better. I just got the impression she may not have expected his comment and didn't really know how to handle it aside from what she told him which was good. She took time to think and to avoid creating a scene that weekend if she thought that was a valid concern for her and her daughter.


I definitely don't think his daughter should have to pay a price in any way, shape or form. She needs to know very little about this especially since she is already afraid of divorce and she loves both parents and doesn't want to see them fighting or belittled by each other.

I'm a believer that if you are going to forgive, once you do you put it behind you...within reason...you don't continue to shame someone for it if you have truly decided to forgive. So maybe that is one place OP should start. Has he truly forgiven her in the first place?

No easy task.


----------



## azteca1986

BobSimmons said:


> I don't get it? Did the cop proposition her in one day or was this "getting friendly" over a duration of time?
> 
> One suddenly doesn't just ask a married women straight up (after a couple of hours/minutes of him flirting *she had to have flirted back right, or he wasn't getting shut down..he had incentive*) to sleep with him.
> 
> So the question is over how long was this flirting? Why didn't she shut him down if this was over a period of time? If it was in the period of a couple of hours again why didn't she shut it down.


Spot on. For someone in R, supposedly doing everything to regain her husband's trust, she still has terrible boundaries. A healthy reaction from a married woman to being propositioned for sex is to feel affronted. She shouldn't be bothered about remaining cordial. She shouldn't care about his opinions, his friendship or his public image.

The fact is they were flirting. This isn't just some random loser in the street, this is someone who will have to face her over and over again and I doubt he'd make the approach totally out of the blue.

OP ought to get to the bottom of this. She doesn't need to give him _her_ number either. 


> And the not telling until after the event? Not good enough. Not buying the unsure of your reaction, you'd be angry bit. She knows she flirted back and didn't shut it down. Guilt plays a part in this because had this guy flirted and it not been reciprocated and he suddenly popped the question, she knew she would have been in the right and had nothing to worry about from her end. Her conscience would have been clear.


I still, for the life of me, can;t fathom why telling OP whilst she's away at this camp was the best, most appropriate time.

This is still cheater thinking. It's manipulative. It's an attempt to control information.


----------



## Hicks

You shouldnt confront the cop. No good will come of that because as long as your wife has access to him without you he wins. You can't put your money where your mouth is.

This is a lesson for your wife. No male friends. Nothing more than causal chit chat. No friendships. No exchanging of phone numbers. All men who talk to you want to screw you. She gave up this freedom to exchange phone numbers with men when she cheated. If she does not willingly agree, then you have a problem.


----------



## azteca1986

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I am guess this has been pretty stressful for her as it is. She doesn't appear to be acting like it was no big deal just because she didn't do what others might think would have been better. I just got the impression she may not have expected his comment and didn't really know how to handle it aside from what she told him which was good.


It wasn't good, it was weak. An attractive woman has years of experience of shutting down unwanted attention.


> She took time to think and to avoid creating a scene that weekend if she thought that was a valid concern for her and her daughter.


If she has concern for her daughter she should perhaps try and remember that she is the primary example of how married women behave. So far, OP's (f)WW has flirted, given her number to a man she doesn't really know and lied to her husband. Not very impressive from a married woman, let alone one in R.


----------



## bigfoot

CBT, 
As has been said, this story has problems. I've dealt with cops a long time. Bold...yes. Forward...yes. Reckless...only when they are really familiar with or comfortable with someone or, if they have established some sort of dominance over someone and don't perceive them as a threat.

This sounds like the product of some mutual flirting that has progressed and maybe she freaked or reflected on how this could end. Or, maybe this was a preemptive strike in case a bs or bgf or nosy parent caught wind of the flirting and she needed to be able to tell you her version first so you'd believe that nothing happened.

That she disclosed as she did is VERY telling. It shows deceptive and manipulative thought. Maybe even envelope pushing to test your boundaries. 

Confronting the dude is up to you. I never did that mate guarding stuff as to me it was also hostage keeping. Your mate is supposed to tell others to pound sand and let them know she told you. 

As others have said, there is more to this. As you have chosen to R, this is part of the crap that goes with it. Good luck as you handle it.


----------



## bfree

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I guess my question would be, what consequences should she suffer? She handled a situation that she got herself into...whether innocently enough or not, the best way she knew how...whether it was up to the standards of the readers here is irrelevant IF the husband listens to her, can see her side and agrees with it enough that they can learn from it.
> 
> Granted, he is asking for opinions which is why we are all commenting.
> 
> I am guess this has been pretty stressful for her as it is. She doesn't appear to be acting like it was no big deal just because she didn't do what others might think would have been better. I just got the impression she may not have expected his comment and didn't really know how to handle it aside from what she told him which was good. She took time to think and to avoid creating a scene that weekend if she thought that was a valid concern for her and her daughter.
> 
> 
> I definitely don't think his daughter should have to pay a price in any way, shape or form. She needs to know very little about this especially since she is already afraid of divorce and she loves both parents and doesn't want to see them fighting or belittled by each other.
> 
> I'm a believer that if you are going to forgive, once you do you put it behind you...within reason...you don't continue to shame someone for it if you have truly decided to forgive. So maybe that is one place OP should start. Has he truly forgiven her in the first place?
> 
> No easy task.


Her poor boundaries have caused this mess and I'd be questioning whether she can be trusted to act appropriately. Unfortunately infidelity affects everyone, daughters included. If CBT cannot attend these events then I would not allow her to go alone until she proves she can maintain stronger boundaries and be honest and transparent. Nothing about this was innocent. This did not occur out of the blue. She encouraged it in some way and did not keep CBT informed of what was going on. She purposefully kept it hidden and only revealed it after she had gone away with his daughter. She gave him her phone number even after he started flirting and apparently she was aware of his flirting with other women as well. Now, if she hadn't already cheated I would say it was a mistake and he should work with her to try to make better decisions in the future. THIS IS THE FUTURE! If she hasn't learned already when will she learn? I can understand CBT doesn't want to cost his daughter something she loves to do but if he lets this stand without consequences it may affect his marriage going forward. Is this activity worth his marriage? Crying, snot bubbles and apologies are not going to cut it. At the very least I would tell her that if she wants their daughter to stay in this activity she must approach the director or head of the event and lodge a formal complaint against this POS. If she balks or refuses I'd pull his daughter out asap.


----------



## Wolf1974

ConanHub said:


> Hey Wolf. Peace. I dig your POV. I'm confident I could take this guy down, you don't think so. I'm cool with your opinion.
> 
> The WW does have a lot of shaping up to do and I don't want to derail the thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cool dude i wasn't being snarky I just think this isn't about his job...yet. 

I can understand what your trying to say but chances are anyone who acts like this is already an embarrassment at work so nothing new to learn there.

And he won't get embarrassed. Cheater like this don't have that societal embarrassment bug like normal people. 

I do think you confront through and even if that won't embarrassment shows a powerful message you are standing up for what's yours. Never go wrong with that


----------



## thummper

CantBelieveThis said:


> wow so much to read....just adding more things based on all the feedback, hope it makes sense but am not trying to excuse her in any way, she knows she screwed up.
> 
> 1. yes it is all-star cheerleading, its damn expensive as hell and they are tough on them kids. is all year round and now is competition time....lots travel which unfortunately is hard for me to make due to work (plus our other two kids dont want anything to do with it so I end up staying behind with them)
> 
> 2. She admits she screwed up how she handled this, she should have known better but she tells me she thought she totally pushed him away and how she feels confident no guy can talk her into anything like that again. She felt there was nothing to worry about but she was concerned about me blowing up over it and not letting them go on the trip. Due to work reasons I was unable to go.
> 
> 3. Her and this guy had talked before at cheer practices and she has known him for some time. She said a few weeks ago at one competition he was testing a new camera and he got flirtier with her and took some pics of her, telling her he was just testing his camera...she said she wasnt comfortable with that and she told him to delete them which he did. At this point she is aware he is kinda hitting on her but she just ignored him.
> The next practice he asks her for her phone number just in case he needs help with the upcoming cheer event, she does give it to him, I have access to all her texts and what not...there were only a few exchanges and only about the kids and the cheerleading...she did tell me she was texting with him...i didnt really care, he was just a cheer dad and not the only one she knows or talks to
> She said the next time he was talking to her a lot about things in general but with a lot of interest and flirtiness...when she goes to leave he asks her for a hug, she asks why and he says will wont see you again until the event....she tells him "whats going on, what are you looking for, what do you want?" he tells her well i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together.....she tells him...."do you not see my wedding ring? I am happily married and you shouldnt even think that or ask" he said something like I had to try, you are stunning or whatever...she bails out.....*hasnt talked to him much since then, *except maybe a couple times here and there strictly about the girls...she says he has since been very polite and not brought anything up ever.
> 
> 4. I do believe her story, she gave me a ton of details and in a timeline order....She says she felt very confident putting him off and saw no reason to worry, but she knew I would freak out with she going to this competition with this guy having told her that. She admits she made a bad mistake but she tells me she so wanted me to see how she is never going there again with anyone else and how she will never cheat again, etc....
> 
> 5. My problem with this is obviously not telling me right away, which she understand now, but she says she didnt want the trip ruined and miss the competition and she wants me to see how strong she is now against stuff like this and shutting it down right away. She pleads me to see this and how i should be able to trust her more but now she is disappointed in herself because instead of this being the outcome she once again ruined my trust (lots of crying, am sorry, etc, etc). I told her withholding things is never the way to gaining trust, ever.
> 
> 6. I dont have much worry that she did anything with this guy, and I do buy her story....just my gut tells me this...she is in constant communication with me, tells me every place she goes, what she does, whom she talks to.....
> 
> 7. I will confront the POS guy, you guys got me all fired up about that! She told me she can tell he is all over this other single mom parent now, and that he is always talking to other moms even before anything happened with my W.


*Sorry, but she shouldn't be talking to him at all, even for the simplest thing. I don't understand how she can expect you to keep putting up with the dumb things she does.* And she most definitely should never have gone on that trip knowing in advance that the pos was going to be there. I can't believe that he would have given up his quest to bed your wife so easily. Bet there's more you don't know.


----------



## z_man

bfree said:


> If this was me I would seriously have to consider pulling my daughter out of this activity and have the mother explain why.


Should not punish the kid(s) for parental behavior.


----------



## z_man

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I guess my question would be, what consequences should she suffer? She handled a situation that she got herself into...whether innocently enough or not, the best way she knew how...whether it was up to the standards of the readers here is irrelevant IF the husband listens to her, can see her side and agrees with it enough that they can learn from it.
> 
> Granted, he is asking for opinions which is why we are all commenting.
> 
> I am guess this has been pretty stressful for her as it is. She doesn't appear to be acting like it was no big deal just because she didn't do what others might think would have been better. I just got the impression she may not have expected his comment and didn't really know how to handle it aside from what she told him which was good. She took time to think and to avoid creating a scene that weekend if she thought that was a valid concern for her and her daughter.
> 
> 
> *I definitely don't think his daughter should have to pay a price in any way, shape or form. She needs to know very little about this especially since she is already afraid of divorce and she loves both parents and doesn't want to see them fighting or belittled by each other.*
> 
> I'm a believer that if you are going to forgive, once you do you put it behind you...within reason...you don't continue to shame someone for it if you have truly decided to forgive. So maybe that is one place OP should start. Has he truly forgiven her in the first place?
> 
> No easy task.


:iagree:


----------



## 36Shaolin

She handled it totally wrong! When he said he wanted to have sex with her, she should have flipped out and asked him to stay the hell away from her then immeditately tell the cheerleading organization about the incident and have him banned from events.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Wolf1974 said:


> Cool dude i wasn't being snarky I just think this isn't about his job...yet.
> 
> I can understand what your trying to say but chances are anyone who acts like this is already an embarrassment at work so nothing new to learn there.
> 
> And he won't get embarrassed. Cheater like this don't have that societal embarrassment bug like normal people.
> 
> I do think you confront through and even if that won't embarrassment shows a powerful message you are standing up for what's yours. Never go wrong with that


I have to agree. I think it's just a tool to be kept in mind for if/when needed(reporting at work and so forth). I think there has to be some fact finding with this, or there could be mistakes made. For me, it reads like a second D-day. It may not be. It may be simple, but he won't know until he starts talking. Or, he just initially "lays down the law" with his boundaries concerning her activities, and then looks for a few things. 

I don't think he knows if she is being truthful, but does it really matter at this point? Seems like some lines were crossed already. 

This guy should be exposed in some manner. What is appropriate is up for debate. I'm for exposing with the cheer management at minimum. Seems like it's too late to do anything about any kind of ONS. 

Why do you put yourself through this, OP? Would you see your daughter more or less if you divorced? Do you think you would not be able to find a woman who would be as beautiful? Do you think you would have to live in a manner that would be less than satisfying? Are you afraid of embarrassment caused by friends? Would it affect your promotions and pay increases at work? Maybe the lifestyle is more important than your pride? I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know how to ask. 

Seems like a life of looking over your shoulder. If you don't really care if she sleeps around, don't you worry your peers will find out? I guess love.....family ideals....sorry OP. I do feel bad for you. It has to weigh heavy on you, even if you can compartmentalize well.


----------



## yeah_right

Just read a few of the OP's other posts and see that his D is around 15 years old. 

Mom does not need to be at practices. Even if D is a flyer on a senior level team, the gym has both of your cell numbers in case of emergency.

I also think that D has probably seen some inappropriate behavior (flirting/hugging) between these two. At that age and with her mom's history, she's aware. Perhaps she said something to mom during the trip that generated the phone call.

Has anyone considered contacting the cop's ex-wife? I'm sure she would not be pleased to hear he's using his visitation time with their D as a means to get pvssy. She might contact the gym herself if no one else is willing to. The gym owner/coach will have a talk with the cop if no one else will, because this is their livelihood.

This cop is a predator. He might even be too flirty with the girls on the team because the older teams go up to 18. Gym owner is not going to want that liability.


----------



## bfree

z_man said:


> Should not punish the kid(s) for parental behavior.


Children suffer the consequences of their parent's behavior all the time. Will the daughter lose less if they divorce? Lose the cheerleading or lose the marriage? Not much choice in my book.


----------



## YupItsMe

yeah_right said:


> Just read a few of the OP's other posts and see that his D is around 15 years old. Mom does not need to be at practices. Even if D is a flyer on a senior level team, the gym has both of your cell numbers in case of emergency.


:iagree:



yeah_right said:


> I also think that D has probably seen some inappropriate behavior (flirting/hugging) between these two. At that age and with her mom's history, she's aware. Perhaps she said something to mom during the trip that generated the phone call.


Pure speculation though



yeah_right said:


> Has anyone considered contacting the cop's ex-wife? I'm sure she would not be pleased to hear he's using his visitation time with their D as a means to get pvssy.


:iagree:



yeah_right said:


> She might contact the gym herself if no one else is willing to. The gym owner/coach will have a talk with the cop if no one else will, because this is their livelihood.


Its just as likely they wont because they want the money and don't want to upset their monthly payments from the dad. I have seen some unsavory behavior by paid for kids activities that is clearly all about the money. It's a business and the liability thing is the risk that is frequently ignored when there is money on the line and usually that liability so infrequently amounts to anything actionable that it isn't taken as a serious consideration unfortunately


----------



## 2ntnuf

What is his daughter learning now? Does she really see her father much? Seems like the answer is no. He's working all the time. Mum is running around with daughter learning how to do these things just by what she observes by accident. If he was divorced, he'd have to find time to spend with his daughter. She might benefit more from her dad taking her to practice once in a while instead of being gone all the time. He would get to know is daughter even more than he does now. 

He gets relief from always looking for cheating and suspecting her, unless that doesn't bother him. His wife gets to go pursue a life she wants. His daughter, who sounds a little older, would likely understand. I'm suspecting she is not naive enough to believe there is nothing going on and has seen/heard things. 

I don't know. It's not my call in any way shape or form. It's up to him, but there must be a really good reason to keep up the fight. I don't see it, but that's okay.


----------



## z_man

bfree said:


> Children suffer the consequences of their parent's behavior all the time. Will the daughter lose less if they divorce? Lose the cheerleading or lose the marriage? Not much choice in my book.


Yeah, I kind of knew this would be the come back as I thought the same thing as I wrote it. However, your suggestion is a direct punishment to the daughter for wife's/cops bad behavior. Totally unfair to the daughter when the situation can be resolved in other ways. Such as the OP gets more involved with D's cheerleader activities, as it appears he is doing.


----------



## yeah_right

Yup - Sure I'm speculating on the D, but I had a 15 year old D once. She was more aware of life than she let on. She's grown now and tells me about things when she was younger. Interesting stuff. But yes, I have no clue what REALLY prompted the call to OP during the trip.

At the gym I was with, we had an incident where two moms got into a yelling match in the parent room over one's contact with another's H. Coach talked to them both and demanded they stay away from each other the rest of the season. Then he called a parent meeting to discuss behavior at the gym and at competitions and how he would toss out anyone because he didn't need their m-f'in money. One of the yelling moms pulled her D from the team a month later. That gym is still in business all these years later, while others have come and gone. But I will admit it's the only cheer gym I've had experience with.

Bottom line, all-star cheer, select baseball, pee-wee football or whatever your kid's hobby is...it's just that, a HOBBY. Education and health are priorities, paying $5K a year for a hobby to hurt a family is not a priority. If D's grades went down, I'm sure cheer would end. If family had financial stress, I'm sure cheer would end. So if cheer can break up the family...it could end. What are the priorities?

In the case of OP's wife, it may be that she's going to cross boundaries everywhere she goes. That is a much larger issue.


----------



## convert

yeah_right said:


> Just read a few of the OP's other posts and see that his D is around 15 years old.
> 
> Mom does not need to be at practices. Even if D is a flyer on a senior level team, the gym has both of your cell numbers in case of emergency.
> 
> I also think that D has probably seen some inappropriate behavior (flirting/hugging) between these two. At that age and with her mom's history, she's aware. Perhaps she said something to mom during the trip that generated the phone call.
> 
> Has anyone considered contacting the cop's ex-wife? I'm sure she would not be pleased to hear he's using his visitation time with their D as a means to get pvssy. She might contact the gym herself if no one else is willing to. The gym owner/coach will have a talk with the cop if no one else will, because this is their livelihood.
> 
> *This cop is a predator. He might even be too flirty with the girls on the team because the older teams go up to 18.* Gym owner is not going to want that liability.


I have thought of that as well.


----------



## convert

bfree said:


> Children suffer the consequences of their parent's behavior all the time. Will the daughter lose less if they divorce? Lose the cheerleading or lose the marriage? Not much choice in my book.


:iagree:


----------



## thummper

Here's a thought: When the OP does go with the wife and daughter to the next competition, he should make every effort to cozy up to her, little hugs and smiles...*RIGHT WHERE THE POS CAN SEE!!! * Rub his nose in the fact that he'll never be in that position with her. He needs to see that, yes indeed, this woman *IS* happily married and not interested in any kind of extramarital "fun" with a predatory opportunist like the cop. Staking your claim in full sight could be considered satisfactory "punishment" and he'll know without a doubt that she's totally unavailable now or ever.


----------



## G.J.

G.J. said:


> Just woke up in the early hours over here in blightly
> some thing was just playing on my mind and i couldnt put my finger on it untill..........
> 
> 
> Why did she phone when away .
> THAT WOULDNT BE THE BEST TIME
> Answer is some thing went down....is you D aware of what your wife did the other year if so she may have caught some thing she wasnt happy with and so the wife panicked and phoned you
> 
> What time On what day of the weekend did she phone you


O.P.
After going back to sleep last night after waking up and posting the above it seems more than probable some thing happened to cause your wife to phone you

Can you describe how she was on the phone and as close to *exactly what she said and what time* was the phone call and first night or second night as it was a weekend event wasn't it?

Also some one said your D is 15 so it may have been her making her mum phone after seeing inappropriate behaviour they tried to disguise or the guy hitting on her at the bar or even god forbid in her room etc.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I guess my question would be, what consequences should she suffer? She handled a situation that she got herself into...whether innocently enough or not, the best way she knew how...


No, she did not. A guy is talking with you, he asks to take your picture, you realize he is flirting and you give him your number anyway. Even if the texts were innocuous, you had an affair and this boundarywas discussed. She knew there were much better options and she allowed it to escalate to a point where she made her husband feel terrible.



> She took time to think and to avoid creating a scene that weekend if she thought that was a valid concern for her and her daughter.


While I may disagree with some posters I can see their side. Why do you keep altering the story. This escalation has been going on for three weeks. If she came to him with her reservations immediately, we wouldn't be talking negatively. Many of us would see it as a positive step. Funny, it's like some of you think the cheer leading is more important than the marriage.


----------



## bfree

z_man said:


> Yeah, I kind of knew this would be the come back as I thought the same thing as I wrote it. However, your suggestion is a direct punishment to the daughter for wife's/cops bad behavior. Totally unfair to the daughter when the situation can be resolved in other ways. Such as the OP gets more involved with D's cheerleader activities, as it appears he is doing.


I agree that CBT should get more involved with his daughter's activities however I believe he said someone had to watch the other children and that's been his role. I still think that there should be some concrete consequences regarding this mini crisis so that it reinforces how it should be handled in the future. My opinion still stands though that the daughter's cheerleading activities are a small price to pay if this threatens their R.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Oh and let me add one more thing. 
Many people give the advice of:
Quit jobs
Move out of state
Move to another community
Shrink their activities 
Leave teams
Move schools
Divorce
Separate
Expose
ETC.

That entire list can be considered "direct punishment to the child for spouses bad behavior." I'm just not grasping why it is viewed differently in this thread.


----------



## adriana

G.J. said:


> Just woke up in the early hours over here in blightly
> some thing was just playing on my mind and i couldnt put my finger on it untill..........
> 
> 
> Why did she phone when away .
> THAT WOULDNT BE THE BEST TIME
> Answer is some thing went down....is you D aware of what your wife did the other year if so she may have caught some thing she wasnt happy with and so the wife paniked and phoned you
> 
> What time On what day of the weekend did she phone you



Exactly. I've been struggling with wrapping my head aroud it after reading the OP's original post in this thread. When you think about it just doesn't make much sense. :scratchhead:




G.J. said:


> O.P.
> After going back to sleep last night after waking up and posting the above it seems more than probable some thing happened to cause your wife to phone you
> 
> Can you describe how she was on the phone and as close to *exactly what she said and what time* was the phone call and first night or second night as it was a weekend event wasn't it?
> 
> Also some one said your D is 15 so it may have been her making her mum phone after seeing inappropriate behaviour they tried to disguise or the guy hitting on her at the bar or even god forbid in her room etc.



I agree and before the OP does anything he needs to find out what exactly happend and what it the real reason for his wife's "sudden" confession. The gentleman in question may be a total lowlife but I still have hard time believing that he he asked the OP's wife to sleep with him out of blue. I'm afraid there is more to this story than the OP is aware at this point.

On thing is beyond any doubt.... even if this whole incident somehow turns out to be innocent, the OP's wife hasn't learnt much from her affair. She still has a piss-poor boundaries when it comes to men and she still craves their attention.


----------



## wmn1

I agree Adriana


----------



## CantBelieveThis

nothing else happened, I know it sounds crazy for me to say that after all that has taken place before...but like I said she is in touch with me constantly these days and during the time she was away am pretty sure she has told me the whole truth. I have open and complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls, etc...she gives me tons of details about all her doings and whereabouts. I know she chose not to tell me about what this guy said to her, and kept that from me for 2 days, but even during this time, while this was happening, she was in touch with me and had even told me she had spoken to him about the upcoming trip (she just left out the small part about him asking her to sleep with him).

she called me that Sat weekend away just to tell me how the kids were doing as usual and I asked how my D's friend was doing and we started talking about that and she said "there is something I need to tell you....but her dad..." ..you know the story already.

I am not contemplating confronting the POS guy and making a big show in front of everyone at the gym or what not, is just not my type to do that sort of thing, not who I am. But I will confront him alone in a passive-aggressive manner, keep it sweet and direct....

I was very disappointed in her doing this believe me, this went on for 2-3 days of me not even talking to her, she knows very clear now that this is not to happen again, no excuse will be accepted regardless of any and all good behavior prior to.

I love TAM, you guys are awesome....


----------



## GusPolinski

CBT, the bottom line is that she shouldn't be talking w/ this guy AT ALL -- via any means -- from here on out.

How close are your daughters? How old are they?


----------



## G.J.

CantBelieveThis said:


> nothing else happened, I know it sounds crazy for me to say that after all that has taken place before...but like I said she is in touch with me constantly these days and during the time she was away am pretty sure she has told me the whole truth. I have open and complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls, etc...she gives me tons of details about all her doings and whereabouts. I know she chose not to tell me about what this guy said to her, and kept that from me for 2 days, but even during this time, while this was happening, she was in touch with me and had even told me she had spoken to him about the upcoming trip (she just left out the small part about him asking her to sleep with him).
> 
> she called me that Sat weekend away just to tell me how the kids were doing as usual and I asked how my D's friend was doing and we started talking about that and she said "there is something I need to tell you....but her dad..." ..you know the story already.
> 
> I am not contemplating confronting the POS guy and making a big show in front of everyone at the gym or what not, is just not my type to do that sort of thing, not who I am. But I will confront him alone in a passive-aggressive manner, keep it sweet and direct....
> 
> I was very disappointed in her doing this believe me, this went on for 2-3 days of me not even talking to her, she knows very clear now that this is not to happen again, no excuse will be accepted regardless of any and all good behavior prior to.
> 
> I love TAM, you guys are awesome....


So.................. will she be going in future with out you ?


----------



## adriana

OP, I'm not trying to implay that some sort of "sex gimnastics" has happened between them but I simply don't belive that he told her that he wanted to have sex with her without some form of encouragement from her. Your wife is still minimising her own role in this incident.


----------



## Suspecting2014

IMO she managed the cop avances pretty well, the way she used to deal with thesed situations before the A. The thing is that the way she manged this situation with CBT was wrong and manipulative.

I believe she is trying to get things the way they were jlbefore her A. Telling CBT what happened later she tryed to prove him he can trusth her again. This set CBT back about trusth as she kept información from him.

She tryed to take a short cut to gain her life back but there is not such a thing in R. I hope she knows better now.


----------



## 36Shaolin

Why is she even speaking to the cop now? WTF!?! She should have flipped and told him to stay away and never speak to her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting2014

36Shaolin said:


> Why is she even speaking to the cop now? WTF!?! She should have flipped and told him to stay away and never speak to her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree


----------



## 36Shaolin

Suspecting2014 said:


> Totally agree


She should have rejected his advances in a manner that would have made him ashamed to even show his face at the gym. Forget even speaking to her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

36Shaolin said:


> She should have rejected his advances in a manner that would have made him ashamed to even show his face at the gym. Forget even speaking to her again.


In a somewhat loudish voice (at least loud enough that anyone and everyone within 25-30 feet could hear)...

"What did you just say to me? Did you seriously just proposition me? See my wedding ring? I'm married! I don't care if it 'doesn't matter to lots of other women'... it matters to me! Don't ever speak to me again!"


----------



## 2ntnuf

36Shaolin said:


> She should have rejected his advances in a manner that would have made him ashamed to even show his face at the gym. Forget even speaking to her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The first time, three months ago and then immediately told him.


----------



## yeah_right

CBT - I guess at this point you need to get through to her that:

- All communication with this particular man has to stop permanently....immediately. Period.

- She needs to tighten her boundaries so future "oops" moments don't happen again. Make sure she understands that you KNOW she played a part in the problem with this guy and another "mistake" can end R (if you really mean it).

And whether it's public or private, YOU need to have a face to face talk with the cop so he knows your wife is telling you about these things. They're not still sharing a secret.

Good luck!


----------



## warlock07

CantBelieveThis said:


> nothing else happened, I know it sounds crazy for me to say that after all that has taken place before...but like I said she is in touch with me constantly these days and during the time she was away am pretty sure she has told me the whole truth. I have open and complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls, etc...she gives me tons of details about all her doings and whereabouts. I know she chose not to tell me about what this guy said to her, and kept that from me for 2 days, but even during this time, while this was happening, she was in touch with me and had even told me she had spoken to him about the upcoming trip (she just left out the small part about him asking her to sleep with him).
> 
> she called me that Sat weekend away just to tell me how the kids were doing as usual and I asked how my D's friend was doing and we started talking about that and she said "there is something I need to tell you....but her dad..." ..you know the story already.
> 
> I am not contemplating confronting the POS guy and making a big show in front of everyone at the gym or what not, is just not my type to do that sort of thing, not who I am. But I will confront him alone in a passive-aggressive manner, keep it sweet and direct....
> 
> I was very disappointed in her doing this believe me, this went on for 2-3 days of me not even talking to her, she knows very clear now that this is not to happen again, no excuse will be accepted regardless of any and all good behavior prior to.
> 
> I love TAM, you guys are awesome....



Sounds jaded but to be betrayed, you need to trust/


----------



## warlock07

> for example one thing is when I try to tell her that for what she has done I could easily divorce her and leave...but then she tells me thats the easy way out and that strong couples and in love as we are stick it out and work thru things....then am like WTF?? you were going to dump our marriage for some effing loser!!!
> then she tells me that she knows how wrong she was and how thats the worst thing she has ever done in her life and that i shouldnt fix a wrong with another wrong.....so in the end i feel like i failed to make my point across....that she violated our marriage vows completely and for that alone its my choice to leave if I want to and she cant blame me for that.....


 I remember your story now..




> she says if I divorce i would break up the family, will be so hard on the kids, etc, etc....and that she doesnt want to lose me, she has always loved me but that she thought i had changed and was taking her for grantet and didnt want her anymore.
> 
> she took a few days because she says she wasnt sure if I was going to change, she said I had stopped caring for so long she was doubtful I was going to change and she needed some time to see that (yea right, she was in the fog thats all)
> 
> the only thing I go back and forth is that I still love her and love my family together.....but then i go back to how could someone betray me like this, so hard to cope with.....



She guilted you back into R and does stuff like this. Maybe she is an idiot and will never change at a deeper level ?


----------



## Q tip

she must have enjoyed the attention then said no. that is not the correct behavior not even close.


----------



## warlock07

Your first thread is fantastic to read again... This woman is unbelievable.



> How do you think she would react to you asking to level the playing field? How do you think she would react to it?





CantBelieveThis said:


> she says she would understand but would be hurt very bad because she would feel i did it out of revenge, and says the same quote again, "dont fix a wrong with a wrong" (tired of hearing that)





> i spent 40k on a mommy makeover for her (boob job, tummy tuck, arm lipo and some facial stuff). She is incredibly good looking and has an amazing body, guys have always hit on her and always ask her if she is a model and what not....so i feel like i have invested a lot in her in many different ways and i would be giving that away to another.


----------



## bfree

I remember his story now! She hasn't learned a thing. Still falling for male attention.


----------



## Ripper

intheory said:


> I know moving away is drastic. It seems like the best idea. Maybe after you daughter gets out of high school???


I second this, but for different reasons. Get the hell out of Florida. At this rate, she is going to screw up again and maybe you won't be looking at lifetime alimony. Did you ever look into a post-nup?


----------



## TRy

CantBelieveThis said:


> nothing else happened, I know it sounds crazy for me to say that after all that has taken place before...but like I said she is in touch with me constantly these days and during the time she was away am pretty sure she has told me the whole truth. I have open and complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls, etc...she gives me tons of details about all her doings and whereabouts. I know she chose not to tell me about what this guy said to her, and kept that from me for 2 days, but even during this time, while this was happening, she was in touch with me and had even told me she had spoken to him about the upcoming trip (she just left out the small part about him asking her to sleep with him).


 When she can talk to him face to face while on a trip with him while you were not there, please tell me how "complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls" helps you know what was said or done between them while on the trip? Please tell me how "complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls" helped you when they were flirting with each other at practices, such that it eventually lead him to believe that your wife was open to him asking her to f*ck him? 

The truth is that regardless of the fact that you have "complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls", you know nothing about the flirting and other comments that took place between them that lead up to him asking her to f*ck him, just like you know nothing about what they were saying or doing while on the trip without you. The fact that she went on this trip with this guy, without telling you that he asked to f*ck her, because she did not want you preventing her from going on this trip, shows that your marriage and feelings are a low priority to her, just like it was when she had her last affair. Her thinking that it is OK to continue to talk to him for any reason, only confirms this.

You can try to spin this all that you want, but men do not ask a married woman to f*ck them, unless they are given signals from that married woman that although they are married sex with her is a possibility. These types of conversations are not normal for a married woman to have with a man that is not her husband. Your wife was leading this guy on, and because of her past affair experience, knew exactly what was going on. She thought about his offer to have an affair with him, and went on this trip with him without telling you so that she would have the option of deciding if she wanted to go through with it or not. Either he changed his mind or she did, but the option to have an affair was out there for her when she went on this trip, and she did not want to lose that option by telling you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

CBT's thread made me realize how hurtful and miniscule my marital problems were and to move forward. I am not going to say he is perfect, but I stopped reading his other thread because quite a ton of their reconciliation issues were lain at the foot of his anger problems over the affair. So, I stopped posting because people had better ideas and he was taking way to much heat IMO.

Yet, look where we are now. ANOTHER "mistake" with ANOTHER round of "better late than never, she tried to do good." No, she did awful and I hope he calms down before he confronts. 

Why?

Here's how I see the newest part of the story:

*For three weeks, a single dad flirts, takes pictures and chats up a model looking woman. He gets her number, they text a few times, he feels the flirting has been reciprocated and he goes for broke. When she balks he says he doesn't care if she is married. Then she flips out and he moves on to the next young hot woman.*

She was married and gave a single dad, who she felt was flirty, her number. She didn't give off a vibe, she opened the door and told him have a seat anywhere. Then she became angry because he sat on her lap.

All I'll say is, go read his thread.

Edit:
Yes, I left cheater, cop and divorced out because to me they are irrelevant to the situation.


----------



## TRy

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Here's how I see the newest part of the story:
> 
> *For three weeks, a single dad flirts, takes pictures and chats up a model looking woman. He gets her number, they text a few times, he feels the flirting has been reciprocated and he goes for broke. When she balks he says he doesn't care if she is married. Then she flips out and he moves on to the next young hot woman.*


 Did she really balk before she went on the trip with him, or did he or she change their mind while on the trip? Maybe he decided on a younger hot woman after he pitched her. Your version is the best case scenario, and even that is bad.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

TRy said:


> Your version is the best case scenario, and even that is bad.


Oh I agree. My version is using what he, by proxy her, provided in the last update.


----------



## Decorum

GusPolinski said:


> CBT, the bottom line is that she shouldn't be talking w/ this guy AT ALL -- via any means -- from here on out.
> 
> How close are your daughters? How old are they?



:iagree:

He will keep circling until she distances herself completely, he has nothing to lose and you never know.

His continued interaction with her will never be benign.

His consequences = public shame.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I'm sure it is posted somewhere, but how old is his wife?


----------



## TRy

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I'm sure it is posted somewhere, but how old is his wife?


 Old enough to know better.


----------



## alte Dame

Sadly, CBT, I don't think you'll get a moment's peace with your XWW. She cares enough about her looks to get the Hollywood treatment and clearly enjoys the attention she gets.

I think she doth protest too much. She enjoys the flirting and propositioning. It won't end here. She invites it. I feel sorry for you. You're going to spend your married life c0ckblocking.


----------



## Decorum

Speaking of protesting too much. It is so common for a woman to say some guy is, not my type, a jerk, conceited, crude, narcissist, cant stand him and eventually give into him. Actions are what matters not words.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I have not read your previous posts or if I did I have forgotten your situation. When I posted I was basing my opinions on what you posted in this thread only. After reading your post #100 I must say I am inclined to reconsider my stance.

An uninterested woman, especially one who is trying to rebuild trust in a R, would have handled this differently in my opinion. If this individual was emboldened enough to ask her for a hug, as they departed their daughters public practice, because he would not see her again until the meet, he has become way too familiar. My question is why? I believe that your wife showed dubious disdain for his advances and he seemed to agree with my assessment. Try to imagine him walking up to a beautiful woman in a grocery store and asking for sex. The only difference between your wife and the woman at the grocery store is familiarity. He would not be comfortable approaching the grocery store woman but he was with your wife, why?

This is the question I believe you need to find an answer to. Taking this guy down or destroying his career/life may allow you to feel some vindication but it will have little bearing on your relationship with your wife ultimately. The same goes for moving, taking your daughter out of cheer and so on, these are merely situational and do you not truly think that there will be some "cop guy" at your new location? These are symptoms, you need to attack the disease and find the cause.

In light of this new information, I would consider your wife to be either a shrewd seeker of male attention or a woman of limited intellect or perhaps some of both. In any event, her first thought when facing situations like this is not about your marriage and subsequent life together but rather her own need/desire for male attention and adoration. Address this and you address your marital issues, regardless of situation. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

phew...lol, ok Ill do my best to answer anything I can but please do know that I am not justifying anything she did in one bit, she knows very well she messed up and had no room for this at all....



GusPolinski said:


> CBT, the bottom line is that she shouldn't be talking w/ this guy AT ALL -- via any means -- from here on out.
> 
> How close are your daughters? How old are they?


Gus, she doesnt talk to him anymore, at all. She did not tell him not to talk to her ever again, mainly because of the two kids. They are friends, they do not go to school together, but my D is a "flyer" and her friend is a "base" (catcher), they get along well.



G.J. said:


> So.................. will she be going in future with out you ?


yes, I cant go to all the events, just not possible. She knows this and has to be trustworthy or its over.



adriana said:


> OP, I'm not trying to implay that some sort of "sex gimnastics" has happened between them but I simply don't belive that he told her that he wanted to have sex with her without some form of encouragement from her. Your wife is still minimising her own role in this incident.


she is very friendly, has always been....male or female. to someone thats looking to mess around she can come across as a probable target? then there is her looks, her boobs, etc, what have you.....am sure that doesn't help and sends some sort of message.



warlock07 said:


> Maybe she is an idiot and will never change at a deeper level ?


you know....she definitely acted idiotic during the affair and it makes me feel better thinking that now, I have given up on this idea that a cheater is a complex person doing a complex thing, thats BS...they are simply acting like idiots, IMO.
She has changed a lot since then, she has become very humble and respectful of me far more than ever before, and fearful too ,which I think is part of why she kept this from me for a couple days. I told her recently that this could have easily been it, something this simple that could have ended things, even if she did the right thing by shutting down the guy.



intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> So, your wife's AP is currently in jail, correct?
> 
> How large is your town/city/county; population wise?
> 
> Could this cop have heard about the affair through the law-enforcement grapevine? Does he deal with prisoners in the local jail? Could he be friends with corrections workers?


Yes he is in jail, I live in Ft Lauderdale, very large, next to Miami...I think that what you suggested is extremely unlikely.



Ripper said:


> I second this, but for different reasons. Get the hell out of Florida. At this rate, she is going to screw up again and maybe you won't be looking at lifetime alimony. Did you ever look into a post-nup?


I might end up moving due to work reasons anyways. I did look into post-nup and my attorney said they are a waste of time. Regardless, and I have thought about this over a year ago...I dont want someone to be forced to be with me or remain faithful out of the fear and constraint of some legal document. She is free to go anytime, she is actually free to cheat anytime if she so desires, is a free world....I just wont be there, thats all.....and we will split 50/50....no alimony. She knows that if it comes to that, I can and will walk away from her.
Am i wrong in this kind of thinking?



TRy said:


> Please tell me how "complete access to her cell phone, text messages, calls" helped you when they were flirting with each other at practices, such that it eventually lead him to believe that your wife was open to him asking her to f*ck him?


I dont know how to answer this really, I mean am around her, I see her, talk to her....she acts nothing like she did when she was having the affair, very honest, loving, humble...could she be faking it? of course there is always that possibility....I dont think she is up to anything like that thou, I dont even think she flirted like how you are thinking, sorry is hard to explain, its only something you can gather by interacting with such person?


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

It seems to me he is working this out and being reasonable ...which is a necessity to raise a family.

Sounds like he dolled her up but expects her to act like a nun...at least a non-sexy librarian.

If she had a flirty personality before they got married, that is also something harder for her to change.

Then, if you take a flirty personality, put them in a super suit...don't give them the attention they need and want...especially if they are in their younger-mid 30's...

Not sure what he expects. She put a stop to it. She told him. 

I think they both need help but aren't so gone they can't still be happy in the end.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

With that said...the hug...the should have been enough to start to steer more clear. Not a deal breaker but definitely not smart


----------



## G.J.

Originally Posted by G.J.


> So.................. will she be going in future with out you ?





CantBelieveThis said:


> yes, I cant go to all the events, just not possible. She knows this and has to be trustworthy or its over





Tick...Tick...Tick

I really hope nothing happens but a guy like that wont take no if she allowed him to get to the stage of suggesting 
to sleep with her as they must have been friendly and flirting before

Still on the bright side it will give her a good test


----------



## bfree

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> With that said...the hug...the should have been enough to start to steer more clear. Not a deal breaker but definitely not smart


How many "not smarts" add up to a deal breaker? The hug, the phone number, the pictures, the withholding of information from CBT, the going away for the weekend, the knowing he was a flirt and still interacting with him, etc. If it was just a hug, okay. If it was just stupidly giving him her phone number, maybe. If it was just allowing him to take her picture, ummm. Btw, to me the taking of the pictures is perhaps the most telling part of this. It demonstrates to me that she does believe she is all that. That she "deserves" to be admired. That she was entitled to that attention. And CBT I truly hope you don't believe that she was somehow unaware that he was snapping shots of her. She totally knew what was happening and she totally loved it. In my mind that is all it would take to green light an escalation in flirting if I were him. She knew where this was leading and she lead him on. You're just fortunate she smartened up before it reached its climax.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

Idk, what is a family worth these days?

For better or worse. And he helped create the situation when he gave her "super powers" that made her even harder to resist, given that she already had a tendency to be friendly to the potential point of flirty.

So yes, I would stick with her. 

I would humble myself, realize my involvement in it, not excuse hers but if I did agree to forgive her...then I'd truly forgive. You don't hold something you've forgiven over someone else's head. 

You separate them from it. 

Otherwise you create the crazy circle that you see them going around and around in.


----------



## GusPolinski

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> Idk, what is a family worth these days?
> 
> For better or worse. And he helped create the situation when he gave her "super powers" that made her even harder to resist, given that she already had a tendency to be friendly to the potential point of flirty.
> 
> So yes, I would stick with her.
> 
> I would humble myself, realize my involvement in it, not excuse hers but if I did agree to forgive her...then I'd truly forgive. You don't hold something you've forgiven over someone else's head.
> 
> You separate them from it.
> 
> Otherwise you create the crazy circle that you see them going around and around in.


You really should read his other threads.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I think the above post is getting more to the heart of the matter. At least one of them.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

I see two separate issues here.

First, there is the issue that your previously unfaithful wife handled a situation where she got propositioned completely wrong. The correct response would have been for her to tell you IMMEDIATELY afterwards, either in person as soon as she got home from the event, or even by calling you right away. That would have been the normal response to from a trustworthy and faithful wife, after all. For her to not do this is failing to be completely transparent and demonstrate that you can trust her in this reconciliation.

Instead, she waited for a few days, and then called you when she was out of town at another event, where this guy presumably was also in attendance. She says she was afraid of your reaction. I can see three possible things she was afraid of, and you NEED to DEMAND to know which it was. Was she afraid you would forbid her from attending and then the daughter would have to miss the event? That shows she prioritizes your daughter over your reconciliation. Had she told you, you could have worked as a team to figure out what to do, such as having the daughter travel with another girl. Or, she may have been afraid you would be angry. That shows that she’s fine with being deceitful during this reconciliation. Had she told you promptly, you would have nothing to be angry about HER behaviour, only the cop’s. Now though, you are angry at BOTH of them. The third possibility is that she didn’t want to make you trigger about her cheating and was trying to avoid hurting you. That’s more unfaithful thinking – she didn’t tell you about the cheating because she didn’t want to see your feelings hurt, now she’s doing other things to avoid seeing you have hurt feelings, and she doesn’t see that her deception and avoidance is the most hurtful thing. Overall though, she took away your ability to come to a team decision about how to handle the issue, and instead she handled it unilaterally. Not good partnership or reconciliation behaviour. If she can’t understand this and change her behaviour, I foresee the reconciliation failing. She thinks shutting him down is the most important thing, when TELLING you that she shut it down is the key part. For reconciliation to be successful, she’s not just supposed to be proving her monogamy. She’s proving her trustworthiness.

Also, she’s still speaking to the guy? You don’t need to treat people respectfully who have been disrespectful to you in the past. She doesn’t need anything from this jerk, and certainly shouldn’t be providing anything TO him. She needs to cut him off. Any cheer bureaucracy stuff can go through somebody else. He sexually HARASSED her.

The OTHER issue is that there is a guy at these events hitting on married women. I find it hard to believe that he would ask her outright if she’d f*ck him unless he felt there was a chance, otherwise if he really is THAT much of an *sshole, the women there should band together to have him banned from attending. So there must have been something about her history or behaviour that made him feel the door was slightly ajar. Her shutdown of him sounded like the typical ‘say no in a nice way’ that women are socialized to do. Make sure she understands that those rules don’t apply to men who threaten the marriage. She should be fiercely protective mama bear over her marriage.

I don’t know if confronting the guy directly serves much purpose (though I do believe in informing the other parents and coaches about what an *sshole he is – especially since this event revolves around teenage girls. It’s not much of a leap to think that a guy so unethical to target married women would also target teenagers). All that crap about mateguarding and c*ckblocking, that just implies your mate is weak and has poor boundaries. Since your mate is in reconciliation, it’s HER job to improve her boundaries, not for you to leap in and do the hard work for her). If you don’t think she’s capable of becoming a strong mate with good boundaries, just get divorced now instead of waiting around for more d-days. Although maybe this cop is one of those caveman guys who considers women to be part of men’s territory and won’t back off unless confronted by the Y gene? Hard call.

And this notion that because you paid $40k for her various cosmetic surgeries, if you divorce her, you're giving that investment to another man??! If that's her only value to you, no wonder she values male attention in general. And your daughter is learning that her own appearance is the most important thing about her, from both her mother and the cheer environment.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yeah, it is starting again. 

Good luck CBT, I'm not going to watch people blame you because you tried to please your wife's whims.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

To me. It isn't about blaming, it is about considering everything to try to get to the heart of the matter.

But I think I've chimed in enough.

In closing though, family is worth the fight. Fight for your family, not to make a new one. 

Good luck and God bless.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> Idk, what is a family worth these days?
> 
> For better or worse.


He's still married, go ask the cheating spouse.



Stillkindofhopefull said:


> T
> In closing though, family is worth the fight. Fight for your family, not to make a new one.
> 
> Good luck and God bless.


God Blesses people with the ability to divorce as well. So, apparently, the omnipotent one knew where to draw the line.


----------



## turnera

CantBelieveThis said:


> posting in a new thread, but many of you know my story. We are still in R even thou I have struggled a lot, but slowly moving forward.
> 
> So there is this dad (a cop, divorced....his daughter is a very close friends with ours) at our daughters cheerleading club that was getting friendly with her and she told me he eventually hit on her and told her he wanted to sleep with her, that she was gorgeous and he couldnt keep from asking....wtf?!?
> 
> She turned him down and told him she was married and would never think of that....he proceeded to tell her "so what, many woman dont care".


I stopped reading right there. I hope you fixed it in subsequent posts.

Why the HELL did you not get off your chair, get in your car, drive to this man's house, knock on his door, and tell him to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE?


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

He does if the BS heart is too hard so that R is not possible, I know that argument well. Anyway, good luck,


----------



## tom67

turnera said:


> I stopped reading right there. I hope you fixed it in subsequent posts.
> 
> Why the HELL did you not get off your chair, get in your car, drive to this man's house, knock on his door, and tell him to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE?


:iagree::iagree:
No threats just a simple statement.
Oh and record it.


----------



## TRy

CantBelieveThis said:


> I dont know how to answer this really, I mean am around her, I see her, talk to her....she acts nothing like she did when she was having the affair, very honest, loving, humble...could she be faking it? of course there is always that possibility....I dont think she is up to anything like that thou, I dont even think she flirted like how you are thinking, sorry is hard to explain, its only something you can gather by interacting with such person?


 In post number 100 on this thread you said that he told your wife that "i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together". Sorry but men do not say that to married women out of the blue without her having done anything to encourage him to pursue her. For you to say that she did not flirt with him, is you not being realistic in how people interact with each other. 

Notice that he specifically talked about "we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together" just days before your wife went on a trip with him without telling you that he had told her that he wanted to have sex with her? The first of these "upcoming events" was the trip. Telling you about his propositioning her for sex would have taken away her option to take him up on it as she thought his offer over.


----------



## tom67

TRy said:


> In post number 100 on this thread you said that he told your wife that "i think you are hot, etc...and would love to sleep with you, we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together". Sorry but men do not say that to married women out of the blue without her having done anything to encourage him to pursue her. For you to say that she did not flirt with him, is you not being realistic in how people interact with each other.
> 
> Notice that he specifically talked about "we could have some fun at the upcoming events and get together" just days before your wife went on a trip with him without telling you that he had told her that he wanted to have sex with her? The first of these "upcoming events" was the trip. Telling you about his propositioning her for sex would have taken away her option to take him up on it as she thought his offer over.


Shut this down.
Now.


----------



## bandit.45

toonaive said:


> HMM. Maybe she told you to check your reaction? Too passive a reaction, might be taken as permission? This is one of those times a woman wants to feel valued. Owned if you will. Not like property, but like a valuable possession. She shouldnt be talking to him anymore. Period.


Sh!t test.


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Sh!t test.


Ya think???


----------



## bandit.45

Here is the reason this R between CBT and his WW is not going to work...

Neither one of them understands anything about boundaries. Nada, zip, zilcho.......

Why did this cop have her number? 

Why is she going away on weekends when the girls team has all the chaperones they need? 

Cheer dads? CHEER DADS? Are you fvcking kidding me? Try "dirty, perverted motherfvckers who like lurking around nubile teenage girls in miniskirts". 

A horny cop made hornier by the heightened sexuality of all that teenage estrogen. Not a guy I would want my proven cheater of a WW being within a hundred yards of. 

Jeezus H..........


----------



## Dogbert

bandit.45 said:


> Sh!t test.


The manosphere, at certain altitudes, tends to be low on oxygen.


----------



## azteca1986

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> For better or worse. And he helped create the situation when he gave her "super powers" *that made her even harder to resist*, given that she already had a tendency to be friendly to the potential point of flirty.


No. you have this the wrong way round. SHE is the one who's supposed to do the resisting. This is not hard for the vast majority of married people.



> *I would humble myself*, realize my involvement in it, not excuse hers but if I did agree to forgive her...then I'd truly forgive. You don't hold something you've forgiven over someone else's head.


Oh no, not this again. She has already had one PA and was forgiven. Only now she appears to be laying the groundwork for another. She hasn't learned a thing, it seems. He doesn't need to humble himself. She needs to face the fact she can't be trusted around men she doesn't know, then learn and enforce her own boundaries.



Hopeful Cynic said:


> Her shutdown of him sounded like the typical ‘say no in a nice way’ that women are socialized to do. Make sure she understands that those rules don’t apply to men who threaten the marriage. *She should be fiercely protective mama bear over her marriage.*


That is exactly the example I used with one small twist. I told my wife to consider any man that didn't stop with a compliment when she told them she was married was making a direct assault on the happiness of her child. And she should treat them accordingly.

(I did also add that when they call her beautiful, they don't see the wonderful woman and mother that I do - they only see "Potential Adulterous Wh0re". Not a line OP can use, when in R).


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

We disagree but I do like your line about how to handle anything more than a compliment.


----------



## bandit.45

Why would any sane man or woman, wish to remain with someone who does not have the simplest concept of personal boundaries? Why does this woman have to be taught these things? This is basic Mutual Respect 101....

Oh wait! 

Respect....

Respect....


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I want to clarify one thing, I am not saying divorce, that's for you to decide.


bandit.45 said:


> Cheer dads? CHEER DADS? Are you fvcking kidding me? Try "dirty, perverted motherfvckers who like lurking around nubile teenage girls in miniskirts".
> 
> A horny cop made hornier by the heightened sexuality of all that teenage estrogen. Not a guy I would want my proven cheater of a WW being within a hundred yards of.
> 
> Jeezus H..........


Cheer Dads are perverted? LOL. I can tell some of you have not been around these things ever or in a long time. It has nothing to do with kids and the pedo type suggestions flying around this thread. Society has changed and there are a TON of single moms, singled dads and married cheaters, of both genders, at these events. It has become less about the kids and more about hook ups.

I haven't missed a football game, for my sons, in nearly a decade. As support, we go to some of these events. Holy crap, I've watched men and women disappoint their kids because they were to busy flirting and socializing. 

Oops, missed that routine well this lady has Double Ds in a very tight top.
Missed that pass, well he has abs like a washboard in that tank top.

It's a sad stereotype, but a single/divorced dad at a female based event gets plenty of action. My personal favorite is "OMG, you came to support the girls, that's so sweet." No not all, but there are players, of both genders, at these events. It's sad, disgusting and fascinating to watch.``


----------



## turnera

My best friend is a cheer dad. He has no choice but to be one, if he wants to spend more than an hour a month with his daughter. And he's the nicest, LEAST perverted man I've ever met.


----------



## bandit.45

turnera said:


> My best friend is a cheer dad. He has no choice but to be one, if he wants to spend more than an hour a month with his daughter. And he's the nicest, LEAST perverted man I've ever met.


Yeah, take Philly's side.....


----------



## bfree

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I want to clarify one thing, I am not saying divorce, that's for you to decide.
> 
> Cheer Dads are perverted? LOL. I can tell some of you have not been around these things ever or in a long time. It has nothing to do with kids and the pedo type suggestions flying around this thread. Society has changed and there are a TON of single moms, singled dads and married cheaters, of both genders, at these events. It has become less about the kids and more about hook ups.
> 
> I haven't missed a football game, for my sons, in nearly a decade. As support, we go to some of these events. Holy crap, I've watched men and women disappoint their kids because they were to busy flirting and socializing.
> 
> Oops, missed that routine well this lady has Double Ds in a very tight top.
> Missed that pass, well he has abs like a washboard in that tank top.
> 
> It's a sad stereotype, but a single/divorced dad at a female based event gets plenty of action. My personal favorite is "OMG, you came to support the girls, that's so sweet." No not all, but there are players, of both genders, at these events. It's sad, disgusting and fascinating to watch.``


Philly, I am both saddened and disgusted by what you are relating. This world needs an enema.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Actually, to me, that's miniscule. What's worse is the parents living through their children. I had to yell at a parent because he flipped out at his QB son. I mean screaming and berating the kid like he was an adult, in the middle of a game from the stands, while he was playing. A 5th and six grade mix of boys. Also, people bet on games. We showed up after the cops were called to a might mites game, 1st and 2nd grade boys, because parents were fighting.

Sorry, end of my derail.


----------



## alte Dame

(This whole 'cheer Dad' discussion is shedding a whole new light on my BIL's constant traveling out of town to basketball games with his MS (!) son. They regularly get on planes to go to places like Las Vegas for basketball tournaments for 13 year-olds. Whatever happened to the days when you were grateful to have a hoop nailed to a telephone pole? I'm so old...)


----------



## jim123

CantBelieveThis said:


> phew...lol, ok Ill do my best to answer anything I can but please do know that I am not justifying anything she did in one bit, she knows very well she messed up and had no room for this at all....
> 
> 
> 
> Gus, she doesnt talk to him anymore, at all. She did not tell him not to talk to her ever again, mainly because of the two kids. They are friends, they do not go to school together, but my D is a "flyer" and her friend is a "base" (catcher), they get along well.
> 
> 
> 
> yes, I cant go to all the events, just not possible. She knows this and has to be trustworthy or its over.
> 
> 
> 
> she is very friendly, has always been....male or female. to someone thats looking to mess around she can come across as a probable target? then there is her looks, her boobs, etc, what have you.....am sure that doesn't help and sends some sort of message.
> 
> 
> 
> you know....she definitely acted idiotic during the affair and it makes me feel better thinking that now, I have given up on this idea that a cheater is a complex person doing a complex thing, thats BS...they are simply acting like idiots, IMO.
> She has changed a lot since then, she has become very humble and respectful of me far more than ever before, and fearful too ,which I think is part of why she kept this from me for a couple days. I told her recently that this could have easily been it, something this simple that could have ended things, even if she did the right thing by shutting down the guy.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes he is in jail, I live in Ft Lauderdale, very large, next to Miami...I think that what you suggested is extremely unlikely.
> 
> 
> 
> I might end up moving due to work reasons anyways. I did look into post-nup and my attorney said they are a waste of time. Regardless, and I have thought about this over a year ago...I dont want someone to be forced to be with me or remain faithful out of the fear and constraint of some legal document. She is free to go anytime, she is actually free to cheat anytime if she so desires, is a free world....I just wont be there, thats all.....and we will split 50/50....no alimony. She knows that if it comes to that, I can and will walk away from her.
> Am i wrong in this kind of thinking?
> 
> 
> 
> I dont know how to answer this really, I mean am around her, I see her, talk to her....she acts nothing like she did when she was having the affair, very honest, loving, humble...could she be faking it? of course there is always that possibility....I dont think she is up to anything like that thou, I dont even think she flirted like how you are thinking, sorry is hard to explain, its only something you can gather by interacting with such person?


CBT,

Use this as a strong step to R. She was not perfect but did do well. For her to be perfect, she will need your support. She needs your support now.

Do not let this loser hurt your R. Team up with your fww to save your marriage. It is you and her against all those and all things that attack your M.

The reason to confront OM in group is to minimize conflict. Keep it short and simple. Tell him you thought he was a friend but you were wrong. You disrespected me, my wife and my family. Do not talk to my nor me ever again.


----------



## thummper

jim123 said:


> CBT,
> 
> Use this as a strong step to R. She was not perfect but did do well. For her to be perfect, she will need your support. She needs your support now.
> 
> Do not let this loser hurt your R. Team up with your fww to save your marriage. It is you and her against all those and all things that attack your M.
> 
> The reason to confront OM in group is to minimize conflict. *Keep it short and simple. Tell him you thought he was a friend but you were wrong. You disrespected me, my wife and my family. Do not talk to my nor me ever again.*


Perfect!


----------



## CantBelieveThis

intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> Why did you agree to the cosmetic surgeries (breasts, arm & stomach lipo, face)?
> 
> Unless someone has a deformity (ie. cleft palate, scarring, serious injury etc.), it's totally unnecessary and a waste of money that could go elsewhere.
> 
> Did you assure her you desired her without the renovations?
> 
> Is she a very insecure, superficial person in general?
> 
> It sounds like she is. Did she ever consider some type of counseling (sorry, I don't know all the details), to address why she needs all this attention and validation.


having 3 kids did put a toll on her body, plus she had gained weight over the years and had just gotten back to her normal weight, but even then there were sagging skin, drooping, etc....this saddened her and also her best friend and other girlfriends were getting themselves done too...I certainly didnt do it because I think that shallow....and I did assure her I didnt need that from her, she neither insisted or declined for it, but I thought she deserved it. And she has always been insecure about her body and her weight....
She was/is an outstanding mother and until a few years ago she raised the kids pretty much on her own from birth, I wasnt around much, travelling for work all the time, international long business trips where I would be gone 2 weeks at a time, often travelling 2-3 weeks out of the month. I felt she should look her best, never did infidelity cross my mind at that point for one second!! ah the bliss of that fragile innocence!

and yes this type of guy can and would ask a woman straight up to bed her w/o much flirting....hell I used to have friends that were like that. This POS guy is built and ripped so am sure he feels any woman will fall for him.....
I do not believe based on all the exhausting detail she has given me that she was flirting, I think she was just being friendly as she usually is and ignored some of his advances which probably led him to think she was open for something. The pictures were taken w/o her permission, she did tell him to stop and to delete them. 
I am not as concerned about the guy hitting on her, I mean thats not new to me, I have been dealing with guys hitting on her (thou not this aggressive!) since we started dating. Hell a couple years ago (before her A) I had to confront some guy that asked her to go to the beach with her!!! Few months ago she took the car in for service and one of the mechanics there asked her for her number.....anyways, enough of that.
What I am concerned is her thinking of not being honest immediately ,due to her fear of my anger reaction, not cool and she knows this is the last there will be of that.


----------



## GusPolinski

CBT, who is your wireless carrier?


----------



## turnera

Have you told THIS guy yet to stay the hell away?


----------



## VFW

CantBelieveThis said:


> What I am concerned is her thinking of not being honest immediately ,due to her fear of my anger reaction, not cool and she knows this is the last there will be of that.


I wholeheartedly agree, bad news never gets better with age, she needs to know that this can cause triggers in you, when there did not need to be any trigger. Still you have to create an environment where she can tell you something you don't like without blowing up the conversation. That is hard to do, but she needs to feel safe. I'm not talking about you physically harming her, but verbally. 

Additionally, remember this guy seems to have a sense of entitlement, so don't put yourself in situation where you are alone where he could accuse you of something. They don't have to hear what you are saying, but you do need witnesses.


----------



## thummper

Ahh, the trials and tribulations of a husband with a beautiful wife. You know, this must be very hard on faithful women, too, to always have to be diverting unwelcome passes and continually telling other men that they (the women) aren't interested in the men's juvenile attempts to get them into bed. It must get AWFULLY tiresome to feel that your only self-worth is to be some guy's sex conquest, and NOT that you are talented, or good at your job, or a great marriage partner. So many guys figure that if you're a woman, you're fair game. I actually feel badly for CBT's wife. She just can't seem to win no matter what she does, or in the case of the POS cop, what she DOESN'T do. I believe she thought that CBT would have been proud of the way she deflected the clumsy pass.


----------



## 10th Engineer Harrison

Next time some doofus asks your wife for her phone number, tell her to give him yours.

:FIREdevil:

-10th Engineer Harrison.


----------



## adriana

thummper said:


> Ahh, the trials and tribulations of a husband with a beautiful wife. You know, this must be very hard on faithful women, too, to always have to be diverting unwelcome passes and continually telling other men that they (the women) aren't interested in the men's juvenile attempts to get them into bed. It must get AWFULLY tiresome to feel that your only self-worth is to be some guy's sex conquest, and NOT that you are talented, or good at your job, or a great marriage partner. So many guys figure that if you're a woman, you're fair game. I actually feel badly for CBT's wife. She just can't seem to win no matter what she does, or in the case of the POS cop, what she DOESN'T do. I believe she thought that CBT would have been proud of the way she deflected the clumsy pass.



Thummper, a woman with a healthy dose of self-respect isn't going to base her self-worth on what a bunch of horny ******** may or may not think about her. She will also know how to handle this kind of situations. It comes with experiance and most of them can be actually easily delt with without getting confrontional and creating awkward situations. 

I'm sorry but the OP's wife liked compliments and attention, she was getting from the cop, too much to cut him off. She isn't innocent and she isn't a victim. I will say it once again.... she hasn't learnt much from her affair.


----------



## DoneWithHurting

You gave her a nice new set of Man attractors in the form of a Boob Job. What did you expect?
She LOVES the attention.
You did that.
Now you pay... again.

I will never go along with my wife getting one. She has mentioned it but it ain't gonna happen on my watch. If push came to shove, I'd demand a post nup saying a divorce in the next 5 years she gets nothing and has to pay back the Boob Job.


----------



## coffee4me

DoneWithHurting said:


> If push came to shove, I'd demand a post nup saying a divorce in the next 5 years she gets nothing and has to pay back the Boob Job.


That's great!


----------



## warlock07

Dysfunction all around... Don't know what to say.

You won't leave her because she is a trophy wife and you invested too much in her (financially and emotionally). You also cannot leave her because you cannot see her with anyone else.

And why are you so surprised where your marriage is at


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I offer this for thought. My wife has had children and the effects on her body have been relatively devastating from a perspective of what she started with. There is extra weight and when the weight is lost then there is abundant skin. There are stretch marks and scars and let's not forget the role gravity plays in this mix. She once asked me if I thought she needed a breast augmentation and I replied, define need. If you need to attract other men then it is a plausible course of action. She indicated that she wanted it for me. My response went something like this.

When I look at you I don't see scars, stretch marks and sagging but rather I see a body shaped and molded by giving me the greatest treasure I have yet known, my children. Your body gave life to our family and each residual effect, that you call defect, reminds me of that gift. To do anything to that receptacle would forever diminish it's beauty to me.

I have no need nor desire for models and perfect bodies and although I can still appreciate a well built woman's body, it will always pale in comparison to your body and what it means to me.

My point is, perhaps you could have shown her appreciation in other ways, less superficial ways, that would build up her self confidence and self worth as opposed to offering to rebuild her broken down body, to the tune of forty thousand dollars, with the miracle of modern medicine.

I feel you may be discounting or at least minimizing the effect on her ego and her ability to be completely secure in your relationship. I also feel you have downplayed the pride you feel in having a "trophy wife". Just something to consider.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

NoChoice said:


> I feel you may be discounting or at least minimizing the effect on her ego and her ability to be completely secure in your relationship. I also feel you have downplayed the pride you feel in having a "trophy wife". Just something to consider.


thank you for all that...it is difficult to hear but it does make sense....I truly dont see her as a trophy wife, maybe I do and dont even know it...but I have loved her the same since the day we met, with or w/o the body or what not. These day and age is not difficult for women to feel bad about their body and weight, they are constantly bombarded with front cover girls and hell even the name of the cosmetic surgery "mommy makeover"....the rate of this procedures has skyrocketed in recent years.....


----------



## CantBelieveThis

warlock07 said:


> Dysfunction all around... Don't know what to say.
> 
> You won't leave her because she is a trophy wife and you invested too much in her (financially and emotionally). You also cannot leave her because you cannot see her with anyone else.
> 
> And why are you so surprised where your marriage is at


No, thats not the primary reason why I have not left her...my primary reasons are still love and the family, by far. Does it sting that another man will be enjoying her physically after what I have contributed to? you damn right it p1sses me off!!


----------



## thummper

adriana said:


> Thummper, a woman with a healthy dose of self-respect isn't going to base her self-worth on what a bunch of horny ******** may or may not think about her. She will also know how to handle this kind of situations. It comes with experiance and most of them can be actually easily delt with without getting confrontional and creating awkward situations.
> 
> I'm sorry but *the OP's wife liked compliments and attention, she was getting from the cop, too much to cut him off. She isn't innocent and she isn't a victim. *I will say it once again.... she hasn't learnt much from her affair.


I'm sorry as well, but when was it established that she liked the compliments and attention? I know there's been some speculation that she did, but is that truly the case. I don't know these people, of course, but I'm not at all sure that she wasn't totally blindsided by his unwanted sexual proposition. I would be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on that score. However, I fully agree that she shouldn't have withheld that information from her husband. She seemed to be more concerned about possibly missing her daughter's competition than her husband's reaction. I mean NO disrespect, CBT, but I sincerely am beginning to question your wife's level of intelligence. She just doesn't seem to "get it." Had that been *my *wife who went off to an event where the man who had propositioned her would be, there would have been a fairly large explosion! Now he'll always wonder if there might be something happening at the NEXT competition where he cannot attend.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I still think he is doing fine. This sounds real and like they are really trying. If my wife were in her position, she wouldn't have punched him or yelled at him or anything either. She isn't that way. I can imagine her feeling embarrassed and mad and humiliated all at once and handle it about the same way...then take a little bit to process after it was done. 

He has love for his wife, they have a daughter. I haven't read all the previous threads of the past but I do believe in new days ahead.

There is potential here if they invest into each other. Really invest. it be better than they even really imagine if they choose to pursue it. He has to get his anger issues under control. Just for a better life in general he needs to get that under control i think.


----------



## azteca1986

thummper said:


> I'm sorry as well, but when was it established that she liked the compliments and attention? I know there's been some speculation that she did, but is that truly the case. I don't know these people, of course, but I'm not at all sure that she wasn't totally blindsided by his *unwanted* sexual proposition.


That's also speculation.


----------



## Chaparral

azteca1986 said:


> That's also speculation.


Lol, this site lives on speculation.

Doubt she was taking om to seriously before the other dad literally propositioned her. It's a rare individual man that will walk up to a beautiful woman and ask for a f*ck. I expect even someone used to being flirted with was jarred by that. Then confusion set in for her about what to do regarding her husband. I'm not surprised at all it took her a few days to say something. On put her in a no win situation. Plus there were ramifications for the daughters and the team.

When I coached baseball there were several parents that were divorced after cheating. The parents that knew them most of their lives left the on the outside. In smaller communities you can cheat but don't expect to keep your respect.

I don't know how CBT thinks he wouldnt be paying lifetime alimony in Fla though. I doubt you make the same money.

I would definitely talk to Om's ex. I would also show him a page on cheaterville. That couldn't help his job prospects.


----------



## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> I don't know how CBT thinks he wouldnt be paying lifetime alimony in Fla though. I doubt you make the same money.


Well, she IS a nurse. IIRC, she's been working part time, but it's not like she couldn't work full time if she had to do so in order to support herself.


----------



## azteca1986

Chaparral said:


> Lol, this site lives on speculation.





> Doubt she was taking om to seriously before the other dad literally propositioned her. It's a rare individual man that will walk up to a beautiful woman and ask for a f*ck.


It's an even rarer individual who would proposition someone out of the blue, without any sort of encouragement when they a) don't know what their reaction would be (she could kick up a massive stink) and b) do know they will be running into them over and over again.


> I expect even someone used to being flirted with was jarred by that.


Yes. My wife was affronted. It happened walking into a supermarket, coming from someone she'd never met and would never meet again. She told me the same day. The convo began with "What part of wearing a wedding ring on one hand and having my son in the other would give anyone one the idea that..."

She wasn't interested in maintaining a cordial relationship with someone that had just insulted her. That's human nature for you. Of course if she'd been flirting before hand, her reactions and demeanour would be different.


----------



## turnera

My DD24 was our prized possession. We waited 10 years to have her, planned her, and made sure she knew she meant everything to us. That made a profound effect on her self worth. She thinks she's pretty and desirable but she knows she's not drop dead gorgeous. Her best friend's parents were divorced, her mom is a gold-digger, send friend's older sister away to boarding school and told friend that she would have sent her away too, if she'd still had money by the time friend was a teenager; dad lives in another country raising a third daughter; and friend is drop dead gorgeous. Her mom once tried to give her to us. In front of her daughter.

DD24 has a boyfriend so she's not interested in guys looking at her; when she goes to the gym, she doesn't WANT guys to look at her, because she's taken. Her friend is married with two kids, and all she does is go to the gym and then brag about all the guys hitting on her.

See the difference?


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Chaparral said:


> I don't know how CBT thinks he wouldnt be paying lifetime alimony in Fla though. I doubt you make the same money.


its just a promise she made to me, that if we ever divorce she wouldnt seek alimony from me....will she hold up to that if it comes? dont know.


----------



## MyTurn

Well,
she also took vows ...how did that go?


----------



## manfromlamancha

My wife is stunningly beautiful and gets hit on all the time. She is also very outgoing and friendly and can sometimes be perceived to be flirty.

However what these poor sods don't know is she has a whole different "other side" that you never want to face, once she is provoked.

She is very friendly and smily (and has a beautiful smile that could be said to be very encouraging and inviting to other men) so long as she deems the flirtation to be what she sees as respectful. And then when it crosses that line, I need to call in the marine corp to protect the [email protected] from her.

I guess it takes all kinds of different types. This cop [email protected] would have been dog food well before I found out about it.

I would not let him off the hook if I were you - he does deserve some comeuppance.

And still something doesn't pass the sniff-test here - I tend to agree that for him to say what he said, he must have had some encouragement. Or maybe he is a super douche bag!


----------



## ConanHub

CBT. I finally had the chance to review your threads.

I really cannot believe that you have not divorced. Your WW needs a father not a husband.

I was not impressed with your chances to R before because your WW simply did not fully get it. It was like she could not wrap her head around the situation that she had caused and she could not see it clearly. She does not seem capable to see past how her behavior affects her, primarily.

After everything she has put your family through, for her to be not only giving her number to other men but ones that flirt with her and take her picture, to manipulate you by not immediately informing you when another man blatantly says he wants to fvck her, to then go on a trip where hotels and this other man will be involved.

She does NOT get it. I really don't think she is going to get it. 

She certainly has not learned to take your marriage and her respect for you seriously.

I get you love her and find her attractive but she really is not living up to her responsibilities in this R attempt.

Mrs. Conan has been nothing but faithful to me and she would never behave in the way your WW just did. She would risk losing me over the level of manipulation, deceit and lack of respect your WW just showed you in this one incident.

Your approach seems like an angry father over a child that keeps needing correction in the same area. It is not your responsibility to keep correcting your WW in these areas. She needs to grow the hell up and start acting like a wife and mother, not another one of your children.

What books has she read and what counseling has she received?

The reason I keep referring to her as your WW is because I do not see her behaving like a FWW.

For whatever reason, she doesn't fully understand the seriousness of her betrayal and I don't even think she understands the seriousness of her marriage to begin with.

I don't see this getting better. Until she wakes up to the seriousness of her very poor behavior, this ridiculous situation will continue in one form or another, bringing you misery while you constantly babysit her and enforce boundaries that she should have in place as a wife, not to mention a WW.

Right now, you are her parole officer. How is SHE going to change that?


----------



## RespectWalk

I think you know the future, brother. Listen to the little voice. You know what he's saying.


----------



## TRy

Chaparral said:


> I would also show him a page on cheaterville.


 The cheaterville site is no more. They took it down.


----------



## TRy

azteca1986 said:


> *It's an even rarer individual who would proposition someone out of the blue, without any sort of encouragement* when they a) don't know what their reaction would be (she could kick up a massive stink) and b) do know they will be running into them over and over again.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## CantBelieveThis

ConanHub said:


> CBT. I finally had the chance to review your threads.


thanks for taking the time to read thru all that huge mess, honestly to take the time out of your life to read thru that is appreciated.

Its difficult to show on these forums all the good things she has been doing for over a year now thou, I typically post about negative things for the most part ,venting, complaining, etc. She has come a very long way since her A, I probably know this because I know her better than anyone else.
I wish I could somehow describe it better, I know how to read her now much better than ever, I have to say we have learned much more about each other over the past 1.5y than we ever did for the 14y that we been married prior.

She knows she screwed up on this past thing and she pushed it to the edge once again, and she rationalized her actions once again, which she should know doesnt work. I have been very clear with her that nothing like this will be tolerated again, there wont be a chance for any explanations or justifications of any kind, I will just simply walk out. As a matter of fact, I did pack up some clothes and have told her its staying like that neatly prepped ready to go in a moments notice.

I stay with her because I know she is still a good person even with everything she has done, she is a good mother and was a great wife before the A, and is trying to be even better now....I know it sounds crazy but I know there is good in her. I totally agree she is not too smart on certain things, and has done some very stupid things w/o thinking and being selfish, even she admits this up front w/o argument.

She has read 2-3 books, the important ones for the unfaithful partner....and we both have been to IC and MC for months in the past, thou gave it up a month or so ago....am thinking about starting it up again.

I think part of her problem is, that I can see, is that she is so convinced she wont see herself involved in any infidelity again that she believes I should believe the same thing!! but I cannot and will not just trust her that simply. I know this frustrates her that I wont go with that. 
I think this latest incident was a poor and wrong attempt of her to show me that, totally backfired on her. She was thinking I would overlook everything else in the face of her rejecting this POS advances, she was totally wrong. My trust has to come from me based on her actions, not any other way around.


----------



## ConanHub

I almost questioned her intelligence but I know what it takes to get through nursing school.

It has to be her priorities then and an absolute lack of knowledge as to what constitutes boundaries and respect in marriage.

If she doesn't comprehend how lacking she is in regards to marital boundaries and respect then she needs to be a full time student until she has a clue. 

Even if she hadn't cheated, her current level of commitment wouldn't succeed in the majority of marriages.

It isn't just about not letting another man have sex with her. What is the counselor's opinion of her ability to grasp concepts of healthy boundaries, respect and marriage building?

It is like she has no knowledge or even instincts about protecting her marriage. I hope she really wakes up and realizes her extraordinary situation. She would have been divorced and humiliated in the majority of other cases I have seen. She needs to be kissing the ground you walk on because most men in your situation would have left her with a boot mark on her butt.

Does she have a clue as to how lucky she is? I can attest. Most women that have abused and pushed, ignorance is no excuse, as far as her have lost everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013

She clearly just doesn't get it. Your never going to be able to teach her. Sure she can be a good person at heart but she is failing at being honorable to you. I don't think threatening is a good approach. She will just see that as well he is half way out the door anyhow so why not. 

How much more of this can you take. Are you prepare for spending your life wondering if she will ever learn? I am not good at all at feeling like I have to watch someone constantly because of there mistakes. 

I just don't see this working out in the long run. If she was really fearful of anything being interpreted as her cheating why would she not tell the COP to go take a hike publicly. I mean honestly for all she knew someone could have been watching and called you. Her waiting to tell you is serious real problem. This kind of a problem will always make you worry about what she is doing or who she is talking to. 

Sorry man. 

Clay


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

CantBelieveThis said:


> having 3 kids did put a toll on her body, plus she had gained weight over the years and had just gotten back to her normal weight, but even then there were sagging skin, drooping, etc....this saddened her and also her best friend and other girlfriends were getting themselves done too...I certainly didnt do it because I think that shallow....and I did assure her I didnt need that from her, she neither insisted or declined for it, but I thought she deserved it. And she has always been insecure about her body and her weight....
> She was/is an outstanding mother and until a few years ago she raised the kids pretty much on her own from birth, I wasnt around much, travelling for work all the time, international long business trips where I would be gone 2 weeks at a time, often travelling 2-3 weeks out of the month. I felt she should look her best, never did infidelity cross my mind at that point for one second!! ah the bliss of that fragile innocence!
> 
> and yes this type of guy can and would ask a woman straight up to bed her w/o much flirting....hell I used to have friends that were like that. This POS guy is built and ripped so am sure he feels any woman will fall for him.....
> I do not believe based on all the exhausting detail she has given me that she was flirting, I think she was just being friendly as she usually is and ignored some of his advances which probably led him to think she was open for something. The pictures were taken w/o her permission, she did tell him to stop and to delete them.
> I am not as concerned about the guy hitting on her, I mean thats not new to me, I have been dealing with guys hitting on her (thou not this aggressive!) since we started dating. Hell a couple years ago (before her A) I had to confront some guy that asked her to go to the beach with her!!! Few months ago she took the car in for service and one of the mechanics there asked her for her number.....anyways, enough of that.
> What I am concerned is her thinking of not being honest immediately ,due to her fear of my anger reaction, not cool and she knows this is the last there will be of that.


Did you go after the cop? Not physically, but I mean did you approach his supervision or explained to him the blowback he can expect to receive if he continues to give your wife unwanted attention? This guy needs to be put into his place.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I still think you're doing okay CBI. Although I see the rational behind a lot of the advice...and I'm not necessarily disagreeing with it, I believe in grace and understanding for someone that has a remorseful heart. 

It can make you look weak at times...and the line you choose that not be crossed by her is your choice, but I just think that if she is making every effort and you see it in her eyes and heart and it is enough for YOU, then good on you for showing grace, love and forgiveness to your bride. Sometimes strength looks like weakness to all those that can't see what you see or know what you know, but it is strength nonetheless.

Your are the one that decides the legacy for your children. They can learn good and bad things from either side but if you can enjoy your wife and family, and they grow up and can look back at the hard times you two got through, particularly as men looking back on their dad, these decisions will shape their decisions.

It is up to you, but "for better or worse" is in the vows for a reason.


----------



## alte Dame

I think it is admirable that you love your WW so much and that you are giving her another chance.

As a woman, though, I have to say that you potentially misunderstand what her natural reactions to things are. She is faced with a hot, ripped man who is flirting with her. Her first natural impulse isn't to be offended. It's to be flattered and attracted. On top of this, she has already proved that she has weak boundaries, so her next natural impulse is to respond positively to his interest. If she takes offense, it is because she has a learned response as a result of her infidelity..

Your WW's impulses took her as far as a sexual proposition from him and a trip out of town without you with him in attendance. She only told you about his advances once she was safely ensconced in her hotel, and you can't be sure (no matter how much you say you can read your WW) that something didn't happen there to propel her confession.

The fact is that the vast majority of women, married or no, would be flattered by the attention of a man as attractive as the one you describe. Most married women have good enough boundaries not to head in that direction, though. Your WW isn't in that group and I hope you won't fool yourself into thinking that she is. You think she should be offended by his overt expression of interest. I think that's unrealistic. If you were to look into her head and heart, I bet you would find that she really liked his flirting and proposition. This is what you have to address, imo.


----------



## adriana

alte Dame said:


> I think it is admirable that you love your WW so much and that you are giving her another chance.
> 
> As a woman, though, I have to say that you potentially misunderstand what her natural reactions to things are. She is faced with a hot, ripped man who is flirting with her. Her first natural impulse isn't to be offended. It's to be flattered and attracted. On top of this, she has already proved that she has weak boundaries, so her next natural impulse is to respond positively to his interest. If she takes offense, it is because she has a learned response as a result of her infidelity..
> 
> Your WW's impulses took her as far as a sexual proposition from him and a trip out of town without you with him in attendance. She only told you about his advances once she was safely ensconced in her hotel, and you can't be sure (no matter how much you say you can read your WW) that something didn't happen there to propel her confession.
> 
> The fact is that the vast majority of women, married or no, would be flattered by the attention of a man as attractive as the one you describe. Most married women have good enough boundaries not to head in that direction, though. Your WW isn't in that group and I hope you won't fool yourself into thinking that she is. You think she should be offended by his overt expression of interest. I think that's unrealistic. If you were to look into her head and heart, I bet you would find that she really liked his flirting and proposition. This is what you have to address, imo.



:iagree:.... 100%


----------



## lenzi

CantBelieveThis said:


> I think part of her problem is, that I can see, is that she is so convinced she wont see herself involved in any infidelity again that she believes I should believe the same thing!!


This may very well be the case, however she needs to understand that it's not about what she believes.

She gave up that privilege when she cheated that first time.

Now it's completely up to you what's acceptable and what is not, and she must agree to this unconditionally.


----------



## thummper

ConanHub said:


> I almost questioned her intelligence but I know what it takes to get through nursing school.
> 
> Well, there's "intelligence," which she obviously has, and then there's "street smarts," which seem to be lacking sometimes. I really believe that this lady has absolutely NO intention of ever getting into another inappropriate relationship EVER again. CBT has mentioned that she's very friendly with everyone, and maybe her friendliness is being mistaken for something not quite so wholesome. I really don't think that CBT needs to overworry about her fidelity to him. Her not telling him about the clumsy pass was one of those times when she wasn't thinking of the eventual fallout, but was more concerned about having her daughter lose out on the cheerleading competition, one of the lack of "smarts" I was talking about.


----------



## TRy

CantBelieveThis said:


> She knows she screwed up on this past thing and she pushed it to the edge once again, and she rationalized her actions once again, which she should know doesnt work.


 When "she rationalized her actions once again", she was telling you that she does not consider it to be a serious screw up, and by virtue of you giving her yet another chance, it does work. 



CantBelieveThis said:


> I have been very clear with her that nothing like this will be tolerated again, there wont be a chance for any explanations or justifications of any kind, I will just simply walk out.


 You have been just as clear before, and yet here you are again, tolerating the fact that she led a guy on enough for him to think that it was OK to propose f*cking her on the next trip, and her going on that trip without you, and without her telling you about his offer to f*ck her on that trip, thus preserving her option to decide. Ask yourself this, what is about your wife that made him think that she would be open to sex with him? It is clear as day that she is still that person that rationalized cheating on you just 18 months ago, and that you will look for reasons to rationalize giving her chances.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I still don't think that she was going on the trip so she could decide if she wanted to have sex with OM. I think she felt like she dealt with the situation and she wasn't going to not go on the trip because of a jerk and make her daughter miss something as important as that to her. 

His wife handled it. Everyone may not like it, but she handled it. The trip went fine. Both daughters had their trip and competition and at least one of the two adults handled themselves like adults and didn't hook up. 

Idk, I just think this is a completely salvageable marriage.


----------



## ConanHub

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I still don't think that she was going on the trip so she could decide if she wanted to have sex with OM. I think she felt like she dealt with the situation and she wasn't going to not go on the trip because of a jerk and make her daughter miss something as important as that to her.
> 
> His wife handled it. Everyone may not like it, but she handled it. The trip went fine. Both daughters had their trip and competition and at least one of the two adults handled themselves like adults and didn't hook up.
> 
> Idk, I just think this is a completely salvageable marriage.


She did not handle it "just fine" for a faithful wife much less a ww.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J.

A complete fail


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

She didn't handle things "just fine" just meant that the trip itself went fine it seemed.

Not a complete fail. If she did give him what he wanted, or if the husband found out outside of his wife, that would have been a fail.

Idk, I just wonder sometimes what people thought "for better or worse" meant when they were promising life together. It is in there for a reason...

Not that it isn't justifiable in some situations. But we tend to quit so easy these days. This particular marriage...I can still see it working and working well, but that is just me.


----------



## GusPolinski

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> She didn't handle things "just fine" just meant that the trip itself went fine it seemed.
> 
> Not a complete fail. If she did give him what he wanted, or if the husband found out outside of his wife, that would have been a fail.
> 
> Idk, I just wonder sometimes what people thought "for better or worse" meant when they were promising life together. It is in there for a reason...
> 
> Not that it isn't justifiable in some situations. But we tend to quit so easy these days. This particular marriage...I can still see it working and working well, but that is just me.


Careful, dude... you're spilling your beta all over this thread.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I know. But this is the only one!...okay, one other but that is it. I think.

Yeah, this one just struck me as different.

I don't want him to think I'm saying it is no big deal, just not divorce-worthy.


----------



## GusPolinski

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I know. But this is the only one!...okay, one other but that is it. I think.
> 
> Yeah, this one just struck me as different.
> 
> *I don't want him to think I'm saying it is no big deal, just not divorce-worthy.*


Assuming that OP has been given the complete truth by his FWW w/ respect to her interactions w/ the would-be OM, I'd agree.

But still, her reaction to Mr. Douchey McD*ckhole should've been much stronger. Additionally, she shouldn't have waited until the weekend was essentially over to tell OP what had happened, and her doing so did little more than allow all kinds of speculation creep into his thoughts w/ respect to what might have actually happened.

Derp.


----------



## jim123

GusPolinski said:


> Assuming that OP has been given the complete truth by his FWW w/ respect to her interactions w/ the would-be OM, I'd agree.
> 
> But still, her reaction to Mr. Douchey McD*ckhole should've been much stronger. Additionally, she shouldn't have waited until the weekend was essentially over to tell OP what had happened, and her doing so did little more than allow all kinds of speculation creep into his thoughts w/ respect to what might have actually happened.
> 
> Derp.


She did turn him down and did tell her BH. She should have done it sooner, however, after paying this price she would almost be foolish to tell again.

This kind of stuff happens within groups. I have seen it happen, hell it happened to me.

CBT still has not talked to the guy and that is actually the biggest mistake here.


----------



## GusPolinski

jim123 said:


> She did turn him down and did tell her BH. She should have done it sooner, however, after paying this price she would almost be foolish to tell again.
> 
> This kind of stuff happens within groups. I have seen it happen, hell it happened to me.
> 
> *CBT still has not talked to the guy and that is actually the biggest mistake here.*


Agreed.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

Agreed


----------



## Tobyboy

Agreed


----------



## TRy

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I think she felt like she dealt with the situation and she wasn't going to not go on the trip because of a jerk and make her daughter miss something as important as that to her.


 You just do not get it. She deliberately and with full intent did not tell her husband about the other man proposing that they secretly have sex on the next trip, because she prioritized going on the trip as being more important than doing the best thing for her fragile marriage, and the transparency that she promised her husband after he gave her another chance just 18 months ago.


----------



## TRy

jim123 said:


> She did turn him down and did tell her BH.


 The fact that she kept talking to the other man on this trip after he proposed that she betray her husband and have sex with him, allows the other man to stay in her orbit to try again later, since by continuing to talk to him she is showing him that she did not find the offer to f*ck him outrageous or offensive.


----------



## bfree

TRy said:


> The fact that she kept talking to the other man on this trip after he proposed that she betray her husband and have sex with him, allows the other man to stay in her orbit to try again later, since by continuing to talk to him she is showing him that she did not find the offer to f*ck him outrageous or offensive.


Yup


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I may have missed that part...I don't recall reading where she continued to talk to him while on the trip. I just read it that they would still be on the same trip, but not that they continued talking in the process.


----------



## bfree

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I may have missed that part...I don't recall reading where she continued to talk to him while on the trip. I just read it that they would still be on the same trip, but not that they continued talking in the process.


Check the original post in this thread.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I do remember that now, I caught the "never made a move" and didn't focus on the other part. 

Idk, I still think she thought she handled it as best she could...just that from the outside in, it could have been handled a lot better. 

I would think that she surely learned from this. Not sure I could see how anything further could be justified. It does sound like how she handles herself is as much her personality as it is her judgment. Not condoning it, I just think this situation can be handled without the threat of divorce.

Just saw on the news a BS was in a standoff with police over the custody of his two children...ended up taking their lives and his own. 

Not that this case has anything remotely in common with that...just that adults need to be adults and understand what is involved in the commitment they made to each other before they brought children into this crazy world.

Some kid do fine, many don't. And some don't get the choice to even try to be fine or not. Just very sad.


----------



## azteca1986

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I think she felt like she dealt with the situation and she wasn't going to not go on the trip because of a jerk and make her daughter miss something as important as that to her.


Hold on. If this situation was "dealt with" effectively why would there be any risk of daughter not going on this meet? Why is there an automatic assumption that the only solution to the randy cop is that the daughter would be forbidden to go?


> His wife handled it. Everyone may not like it, but she handled it. The trip went fine. Both daughters had their trip and competition and at least one of the two adults handled themselves like adults and didn't hook up.
> 
> Idk, I just think this is a completely salvageable marriage.


No. Married adults give their spouse a heads up when there's a potential threat to their marriage. Then, both of them come up with a workable solution *together*. The fact is no one knows for sure what did or didn't happen, because by the time OP was given a heads up, she was already there (with the randy cop and away from OP) by the time she told him .

"What they don't know, won't hurt them" is affair thinking. OP needs to realise this and his WW has to change her ways.


----------



## ConanHub

azteca1986 said:


> Hold on. If this situation was "dealt with" effectively why would there be any risk of daughter not going on this meet? Why is there an automatic assumption that the only solution to the randy cop is that the daughter would be forbidden to go?
> No. Married adults give their spouse a heads up when there's a potential threat to their marriage. Then, both of them come up with a workable solution *together*. The fact is no one knows for sure what did or didn't happen, because by the time OP was given a heads up, she was already there (with the randy cop and away from OP) by the time she told him .
> 
> "What they don't know, won't hurt them" is affair thinking. OP needs to realise this and his WW has to change her ways.


Yup. Or this marriage is doomed. CBTs wife had better start working and making her marriage and husband her priorities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> Idk, I still think she thought she handled it as best she could...just that from the outside in, it could have been handled a lot better.


 Her poor judgement is why she had an affair 18 months ago. The fact that she is still making these decisions on her own and not with her husband, is why the other man is still in her life and talking to her, and shows that she still thinks like a person that does not understand what it means to be married. She is still an affair candidate, and the other man that offered to f*ck her, knew this just from talking to her and seeing how she thinks.


----------



## bfree

CBT, I'm going to ask something not necessarily related to the affair or to this specific issue. 

Do you or your wife make decisions for the other? For example, would your wife make plans without checking with you first. Like would she invite her sister or mother over for dinner and then tell you after the invite was already extended? Would you invite a friend or relative over and tell her after the fact?


----------



## CantBelieveThis

TRy said:


> Her poor judgement is why she had an affair 18 months ago.


oh no...she had pretty good judgement when she had the affair, she just chose to be selfish and not care about anyone else but herself! she knew what she was doing....as so do must cheaters, I believe.

I will confront this guy, this coming weekend there is another competition am going to so he will be there...I just dont see him any other time, he doesnt go to practices, his D drives there herself.



bfree said:


> CBT, I'm going to ask something not necessarily related to the affair or to this specific issue.
> 
> Do you or your wife make decisions for the other? For example, would your wife make plans without checking with you first. Like would she invite her sister or mother over for dinner and then tell you after the invite was already extended? Would you invite a friend or relative over and tell her after the fact?


no not really, I dont think she does that. However, prior to the A it somewhat common of her to not tell me things that she was afraid were going to hurt me or put me in a bad mood. Ever since the A I told her this had to stop completely, but apparently she had a relapse here! 

Yes I know am giving her yet another chance on top of everything already, this one was a tricky one for me because I dont feel it was enough for me to end things, yet it was wrong even if she rejected the SOB, because I had been clear with her prior on these matters of honesty.



azteca1986 said:


> The fact is no one knows for sure what did or didn't happen, because by the time OP was given a heads up, she was already there (with the randy cop and away from OP) by the time she told him


I see your point, and it makes total sense...but even if she had told me right away would I not be in the same situation anyways? possibly doubting if anything did ever happe even if she did tell me right away? this could be a lose lose anyway you look at it?


----------



## bfree

CBT, have you ever suggested a "state of the marriage discussion" with her. My wife and I sit down at least once a week and talk about anything and everything that might affect each other or the marriage. If you did this with your wife then she would have to repeatedly deny or hide these types of issues. If you had these meetings this type of this might be addressed in a more timely manner.


----------



## G.J.

bfree said:


> CBT, have you ever suggested a "state of the marriage discussion" with her. My wife and I sit down at least once a week and talk about anything and everything that might affect each other or the marriage. If you did this with your wife then she would have to repeatedly deny or hide these types of issues. If you had these meetings this type of this might be addressed in a more timely manner.


This is really good to do 

In my case we sit down every evening for 15/30 mins when the last one gets in and have a talk about the day my
feelings/her feeling etc while having a tea/coffee

Nothing disturbs it

And its great as there are no surprises and hopefully never will be as we see each others day through communication


----------



## adriana

CantBelieveThis said:


> Yes I know am giving her yet another chance on top of everything already, this one was a tricky one for me because I dont feel it was enough for me to end things, yet it was wrong even if she rejected the SOB, because I had been clear with her prior on these matters of honesty.



OP, I didn't get an impression that anyone was trying to persuade you to divorce her over this incident but, for a woman who is on strict "probation" after her recent affair, your wife's conduct is quite alarming.

Stay frosty....


----------



## turnera

I agree with state of the marriage. I suggest it a LOT, especially when couples are having trouble communicating, and that's where you're at. If you might get contentious, use a Talking Stick.


----------



## bfree

turnera said:


> I agree with state of the marriage. I suggest it a LOT, especially when couples are having trouble communicating, and that's where you're at. If you might get contentious, use a Talking Stick.


We tried the talking stick after you suggested it Turnera but we stopped using it. Damn that thing hurts! :rofl:


----------



## yeah_right

CBT - You seem very forgiving and are trying to defend your wife on this thread, but you were the one bothered enough by it to start a discussion in CWI. You know it's not right. If you choose to let it slide, that is absolutely your right. But I hope for your peace of mind, and prevention of future STD's, that you quash both this flirtation, and your wife's behavior permanently. Having fresh boobies and abs does not give a married woman a pass on good morals. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. She deserves to grow up learning what a healthy marriage looks like.


----------



## TRy

CantBelieveThis said:


> I will confront this guy, this coming weekend there is another competition am going to so he will be there...I just dont see him any other time, he doesnt go to practices, his D drives there herself.


 I agree.

Do not tell your wife ahead of time that you will be confronting him. Do it when she is not with you or him. I have a feeling that when you confront him that he will tell you things that she left out.


----------



## sidney2718

CantBelieveThis said:


> no not really, I dont think she does that. However, prior to the A it somewhat common of her to not tell me things that she was afraid were going to hurt me or put me in a bad mood. Ever since the A I told her this had to stop completely, but apparently she had a relapse here!
> 
> Yes I know am giving her yet another chance on top of everything already, this one was a tricky one for me because I dont feel it was enough for me to end things, yet it was wrong even if she rejected the SOB, because I had been clear with her prior on these matters of honesty.


I may be wrong, but does the first paragraph in the quote imply that things she does sometimes put you into a bad mood? 

That possibility makes me think that there is another dynamic going on here. She's afraid of your reactions. I have no idea why, but if it is true I'm sure you have an idea why.

And because she's afraid, she does not come to you with problems because of her fear.

If this is true, there may be a way out of this. You may have anger management problems. Get this checked out and if true, get help. Perhaps then with some marriage counselling the two of you can open up to each other about your problems with each other.


----------



## jim123

CBT

Good luck this weekend time to put it behind you.


----------



## yeah_right

CBT - How was the cheer competition this weekend. Did you see the cop?


----------



## Divinely Favored

jim123 said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> 
> Assuming that OP has been given the complete truth by his FWW w/ respect to her interactions w/ the would-be OM, I'd agree.
> 
> But still, her reaction to Mr. Douchey McD*ckhole should've been much stronger. Additionally, she shouldn't have waited until the weekend was essentially over to tell OP what had happened, and her doing so did little more than allow all kinds of speculation creep into his thoughts w/ respect to what might have actually happened.
> 
> Derp.
> 
> 
> 
> She did turn him down and did tell her BH. She should have done it sooner, however, after paying this price she would almost be foolish to tell again.
> 
> This kind of stuff happens within groups. I have seen it happen, hell it happened to me.
> 
> CBT still has not talked to the guy and that is actually the biggest mistake here.
Click to expand...

I have worked in criminal justice field in Tx. for 16 yrs. I would have already been in his captains office chewing his ears off! It may not be a formal complaint but it would be made clear if the POS speaks to, pulls over or any thing to do with me or my family....We will involve Internal Affairs, file Sexual Harrassment and seek a restraining order against POS. He should run from your wife if he sees her again.


----------



## Divinely Favored

TRy said:


> jim123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She did turn him down and did tell her BH.
> 
> 
> 
> The fact that she kept talking to the other man on this trip after he proposed that she betray her husband and have sex with him, allows the other man to stay in her orbit to try again later, since by continuing to talk to him she is showing him that she did not find the offer to f*ck him outrageous or offensive.
Click to expand...

Since their daughters are friends I wonder how many lunches and dinners they had together. "Mom....let's go eat with friend and her dad!" If the daughter is high school age and I was in that situation my daughter would know exactly what kind of POS friends dad is. Daughter would c*ck block mom's wanna be FWB.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

yeah_right said:


> CBT - How was the cheer competition this weekend. Did you see the cop?


no, he didnt go, his xwife was there instead with their D....next week there is another big competition he will very likely be at....


----------



## toonaive

Divinely Favored said:


> Since their daughters are friends I wonder how many lunches and dinners they had together. "Mom....let's go eat with friend and her dad!" If the daughter is high school age and I was in that situation my daughter would know exactly what kind of POS friends dad is. Daughter would c*ck block mom's wanna be FWB.


Yea, my almost XW did this with one of our sons. The boys were friends, she would go out to dinner with the father, using the boys as cover. This is a real danger.


----------



## convert

CantBelieveThis said:


> no, he didnt go, his xwife was there instead with their D....next week there is another big competition he will very likely be at....


I wonder if it would be out-of-line to talk to his ex-wife about this situation, being the daughters are friends?
IDK just thinking out loud


----------



## Hardtohandle

I simply want to say WTF does it matter if he is a Cop.. 

Being a Cop doesn't give him any special powers, privileges or any other extra ability when to comes to women or whatever you want to call it.. 

He is a man that happens to be a Cop.. WTF does it matter what he does for a living, unless the OPs story reads *"This guy hit on my wife and when I told him to back off he pointed a gun at me and told me to back off because he was a Cop."*

Further how much more does this need to be dragged out before you confront this guy to get the fvck away from your family..

This should have been done the day it happened not weeks later AFTER you found out..


----------



## yeah_right

CantBelieveThis said:


> no, he didnt go, his xwife was there instead with their D....next week there is another big competition he will very likely be at....


Did you get to talk to him at the competition?


----------



## CantBelieveThis

yeah_right said:


> Did you get to talk to him at the competition?


yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


----------



## GusPolinski

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


Uhhh...


----------



## dash74

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


Did you tell your wife you wanted to on a gno till 4am with him and a construction worker, biker, an Indian cheff and you dressed as a sailor

I would after I rented the uniform just to see her face :rofl:


----------



## TheGoodGuy

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


Tied up still? This gay cop must be one hell of a talker.. :rofl:


----------



## michzz

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


After all these posts, this nugget of information?

Not sure I'm buying it.


----------



## tom67

dash74 said:


> Did you tell your wife you wanted to on a gno till 4am with him and a construction worker, biker, an Indian cheff and you dressed as a sailor
> 
> I would after I rented the uniform just to see her face :rofl:


Oh God
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vyd2Y6FDniY


----------



## yeah_right

Riiiggghhhttttt.......


----------



## tom67

yeah_right said:


> Riiiggghhhttttt.......


It's ugh...:scratchhead:
I'm not buying it but I'll wait for the "rest of the story"


----------



## Decorum

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still....


Oh well then he would never bang your wife. Right?

Maybe he is a gay man who is "Bi" curious. er uh ummm...

No gold star for him then.


----------



## azteca1986

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, t*he guy is gay*..will more later too tied up today still....


Sure he is


----------



## yeah_right

Decorum said:


> Oh well then he would never bang your wife. Right?
> 
> Maybe he is a gay man who is *"Bi" curious*. er uh ummm...
> 
> No gold star for him then.



He's more than curious to have already fathered a teenage child.


----------



## tom67

yeah_right said:


> He's more than curious to have already fathered a teenage child.



Switch hitter???


----------



## italianjob

So... He does have a daughter and he asked your wife to have sex with him just a few days ago... But he's gay... Yeah, why not, makes perfect sense...

Can't wait to read the rest of this story, really...


----------



## lordmayhem

azteca1986 said:


> Sure he is


:iagree:

There have been stories here where the WW says the OM is gay, in an attempt to throw the BH off the scent. Then only to find out the OM really isn't gay of course. It's similar to "he's just a friend" or "he's like a brother to me and wouldn't think like that", etc.


----------



## jim123

TheGoodGuy said:


> Tied up still? This gay cop must be one hell of a talker.. :rofl:


Given he has been tied up for days, they are not talking.


----------



## tom67

jim123 said:


> Given he has been tied up for days, they are not talking.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYlDbv7MqE8:p


----------



## thummper

CantBelieveThis said:


> yeah....interesting, *the guy is gay*..will more later too tied up today still....


The only question that comes to my mind is....*HUH!* :scratchhead:


----------



## altawa

Ok, so I hadn't posted on this thread, but......


I am really, really hoping that you posted that as the sarcastic answer your wife gave you to a question you asked her.


----------



## Dyokemm

""yeah....interesting, the guy is gay..will more later too tied up today still...."

So....the guy offered up this info about himself?

Was it before or after you confronted him about asking your fWW for sex?

Something really is off with this whole incident.

There are plenty of cases out there of men who have been M for years with kids who suddenly come out of the closet and get D....a distant cousin of mine actually did this at age 47 about 15 years ago.

But if this is his story, why is he wanting to boink your fWW?


----------



## cgiles

Dyokemm said:


> But if this is his story, why is he wanting to boink your fWW?


Just for be sure he is gay.


----------



## DoneWithHurting

Gay? hahahahahaha

Here's an idea for you... ask HIM for a night of fun and games!
Just hope he doesn't go for it!


----------



## thummper

Now listen here, CBT. Don't you dare leave us hanging. You know you HAVE to get back on here and give us more information about the weekend and his admission. Your wife must *really* be a knockout if someone who admits to being gay is interested in bedding her.


----------



## italianjob

thummper said:


> Now listen here, CBT. Don't you dare leave us hanging. You know you HAVE to get back on here and give us more information about the weekend and his admission. Your wife must *really* be a knockout if someone who admits to being gay is interested in bedding her.


Well, either that or she looks like a man.... :rofl:


----------



## bandit.45

For what it is worth, I we had a gay guy in my old company back in AZ and would brag about how he would occasionally go out and bang a chick with his partner's permission. I guess he was only like 95% gay? 

I guess he preferred men but if a woman was hot enough, and available, he would go after her. :scratchhead:


----------



## convert

CBT, I hope this information didn't come from your wife, because that would be another red flag

and if it came from OM's wife,,,,,well she could have her own motives for spinning a tale


----------



## bfree

bandit.45 said:


> For what it is worth, I we had a gay guy in my old company back in AZ and would brag about how he would occasionally go out and bang a chick with his partner's permission. I guess he was only like 95% gay?
> 
> I guess he preferred men but if a woman was hot enough, and available, he would go after her. :scratchhead:


And if she had a few chin whiskers that was just sauce for the goose.


----------



## yeah_right

CBT - While many of us are having a laugh on what you told us (including me), please don't think we don't care. We do. I think what is being conveyed is that based on the info you've given us before, the cop turning out to be gay makes ZERO sense. 

At this point, I don't care if he told you, your wife told you or another cheer mom told you. Unless you actually witness him french kissing a dude...be very, very suspicious.


----------



## Graywolf2

lordmayhem said:


> There have been stories here where the WW says the OM is gay, in an attempt to throw the BH off the scent. Then only to find out the OM really isn't gay of course. It's similar to "he's just a friend" or "he's like a brother to me and wouldn't think like that", etc.


This or he's bi.


----------



## Tubbalard

So you live in South Florida? A prime spot for cheaters and married women. Your wife gives of cheating and sex vibes, that she could be easily had. 

So if a gay cop wants to sleep with your wife: She's very attractive and he knows she's very sexual. Gay men have great intuition. Ultimately it doesnt matter if he's gay or not, he wants to sleep with your wife and had no problems pursuing her. Your wife is not trustworthy. A few years down the line she will sleep with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

CBT

Have you ever looked at some of your old posts and seen for yourself just how far you have come??

You really should be proud.

Now look at your wife, think of her before the affair, during the affair and after the affair.

Has she come as far as you have?

HM


----------



## BrutalHonesty

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My wife was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.



A bit late perhaps, but i just wanted to say that you're my kind of guy. That's was truly top notch handling of a creep.


----------



## soccermom2three

Is anyone else kind of concerned that something went down? OP hasn't been back since Tuesday or is this his M.O.?


----------



## jsmart

soccermom2three said:


> Is anyone else kind of concerned that something went down? OP hasn't been back since Tuesday or is this his M.O.?


I too suspect that something went down during that trip. Maybe she preemptively confessed about the proposition because daughter or someone saw something inappropriate between them.


----------



## thummper

It's disquieting that CBT would simply disappear. Wonder what's REALLY going on in that situation.


----------



## ConanHub

Damn gay cops with kids hitting on married women.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm

CantBelieveThis said:


> thanks for all the thoughts.
> I am going to the next cheerleading trip in couple weeks and he will be there.....am not sure yet if to confront or not, but at the very least I wont be friendly with him, he will know for sure we arent in good terms.
> 
> I do believe the W, she was very detailed on every level and her story did add up so I am not suspicious. They would only have seen each other at the cheerleading club and even when there she is always in touch with me all the time.
> 
> And believe me I did give her hell over not telling me right away, I told her that what she did was manipulative and something she should know better about by now. She insisted that was not her intent at all.
> 
> it just floors me this guy just asked her to sleep with her just like that, and dismissed her being married as a concern...very likely he sees himself empowered to do that as an officer of the law...sad but i guess its not too uncommon....



I haven't read ahead of this, so I'm far behind, and I also don't know your original story here (it sounds as though your wife was unfaithful?) The post above is also almost a month old, so this has long since passed, but I digress. Perhaps this will be helpful to somebody else down the road:

I would absolutely confront him, 100%. You don't have to be an a** about it, or threatening. Just tell him you know, and that your wife TOLD you.

The other thing that popped in my head, and please forgive me if this is out of line, is that perhaps he knew your wife has been unfaithful to you? Again, I don't know your story, so I'm reaching here.

But to me, even the most alpha men don't come across THAT strong, or blunt, with women they think they don't have a chance with. If your wife's wording of what he said was correct, he wasn't -asking- her. He was telling her what he wanted to do with her. 9 times out of 10, that's reserved for the "sure thing".

And unfortunately, anybody that may know, or has heard through the grapevine, that your wife has been unfaithful will now put her in that category, whether it's true or not. Enough so to hit on her while knowing she's married, and with her daughter nearby, not to mention the distinct possibility that her husband might attend these events occasionally.


----------



## becareful

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I offer this for thought. My wife has had children and the effects on her body have been relatively devastating from a perspective of what she started with. There is extra weight and when the weight is lost then there is abundant skin. There are stretch marks and scars and let's not forget the role gravity plays in this mix. She once asked me if I thought she needed a breast augmentation and I replied, define need. If you need to attract other men then it is a plausible course of action. She indicated that she wanted it for me. My response went something like this.
> 
> When I look at you I don't see scars, stretch marks and sagging but rather I see a body shaped and molded by giving me the greatest treasure I have yet known, my children. Your body gave life to our family and each residual effect, that you call defect, reminds me of that gift. To do anything to that receptacle would forever diminish it's beauty to me.
> 
> I have no need nor desire for models and perfect bodies and although I can still appreciate a well built woman's body, it will always pale in comparison to your body and what it means to me.
> 
> My point is, perhaps you could have shown her appreciation in other ways, less superficial ways, that would build up her self confidence and self worth as opposed to offering to rebuild her broken down body, to the tune of forty thousand dollars, with the miracle of modern medicine.
> 
> I feel you may be discounting or at least minimizing the effect on her ego and her ability to be completely secure in your relationship. I also feel you have downplayed the pride you feel in having a "trophy wife". Just something to consider.


How did your wife respond to what you said?


----------



## becareful

CantBelieveThis said:


> I think part of her problem is, that I can see, is that *she is so convinced she wont see herself involved in any infidelity again that she believes I should believe the same thing!!* but I cannot and will not just trust her that simply. I know this frustrates her that I wont go with that.
> I think this latest incident was a poor and wrong attempt of her to show me that, totally backfired on her. She was thinking I would overlook everything else in the face of her rejecting this POS advances, she was totally wrong. My trust has to come from me based on her actions, not any other way around.


One of the things I've learned is that our hearts betray us when we least expect it. Two people can stand before a group of loved ones and promise to be faithful to one another and to forsake all others. Then when they least expect it, they have allowed a third person into their marriage. The vast majority of people don't go into a marriage thinking they're going to cheat but it happens.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

It's best to encourage your wife to put up stronger boundaries, and to not trust on her ability to resist. That cop have been chipping away at her defenses, one compliment at a time. It's how players operate.


----------



## Decorum

This thread is from April 2015
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

bfree said:


> OP, how are you not mate guarding right now? My wife was hit on by a POS at her work. She handled it and asked me not to make a big scene. I promised her I'd let it be. A few days later I made a surprise visit to her office. I made sure to introduce myself to this scumbag. I shook his hand practically breaking his fingers and said I'd heard so much about him from my wife. Then I told him we'd have to get together some time, maybe spend some time at the shooting range or go hunting. Then I turned and took my wife to lunch. My wife was literally glowing after that and she doted on me for a month. She also gained some brownie points at work because this guy had been a pain in the ass to other women there. We like to think of ourselves as being so civilized. But there is a definite place for the caveman from time to time.


It suddenly clicked why my wife tends to tell other men when meeting them for the first time that her husband has multiple black belts.

I was always kind of embarrassed about it. But what she is doing is saying "look out boys."


----------



## G.J.

Either that or you always buy the wrong size trousers :wink2:


----------



## GusPolinski

marduk said:


> It suddenly clicked why my wife tends to tell other men when meeting them for the first time that her husband has multiple black belts.
> 
> I was always kind of embarrassed about it. But what she is doing is saying "look out boys."


That's badass.

I have a couple of black belts myself.

One of them is even reversible!

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan

GusPolinski said:


> That's badass.
> 
> I have a couple of black belts myself.
> 
> One of them is even reversible!
> 
> :lol: :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At is all about the belt buckle brother.


----------



## GusPolinski

Yeswecan said:


> At is all about the belt buckle brother.


Represent!









_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan

:lol:


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> It suddenly clicked why my wife tends to tell other men when meeting them for the first time that her husband has multiple black belts.
> 
> I was always kind of embarrassed about it. But what she is doing is saying "look out boys."


What is to be embarrassed about? Right now, I am wearing a black belt, as it matches my suit and shoes. I have brown ones, too. 
Do not feel embarrassed unless you have mismatched the belts to your outfit.


----------



## Marduk

Maxo said:


> What is to be embarrassed about? Right now, I am wearing a black belt, as it matches my suit and shoes. I have brown ones, too.
> Do not feel embarrassed unless you have mismatched the belts to your outfit.


Because it suddenly recontextualizes a social situation as a martial one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rubix Cubed

marduk said:


> Because it suddenly recontextualizes a social situation as a martial one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd try to look at it as your wife is proud of you for the accomplishment and she feels protected by you. That's pretty good stuff. I'd love for my wife to be that proud of me, vocally .


----------



## Marduk

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd try to look at it as your wife is proud of you for the accomplishment and she feels protected by you. That's pretty good stuff. I'd love for my wife to be that proud of me, vocally .


Sure. 

But early days while dating she would make fun of a table full of guys just to see what I would do. 

So I'm sensitive to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thound

GusPolinski said:


> That's badass.
> 
> I have a couple of black belts myself.
> 
> One of them is even reversible!
> 
> :lol: :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just use a rope. Ala Jethro Bodine.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

marduk said:


> Sure.
> 
> But early days while dating she would make fun of a table full of guys just to see what I would do.
> 
> So I'm sensitive to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Starting fights because you get an ego boost over men fighting over you is NOT cool. That's no bueno.
Curious though, how did you handle it?


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> Sure.
> 
> But early days while dating she would make fun of a table full of guys just to see what I would do.
> 
> So I'm sensitive to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy crap.


----------



## Maxo

Thound said:


> I just use a rope. Ala Jethro Bodine.


Loved Jethro. A comedic genius. Good at fancy cipherin', too.


----------



## Maxo

Rubix Cubed said:


> Starting fights because you get an ego boost over men fighting over you is NOT cool. That's no bueno.
> Curious though, how did you handle it?


Hope you gave her a shot to the jowls.


----------



## alphaomega

I'm going to play the devils advocate here

It's really about human phychology. Yes, she waited to tell you. But from a phychology a point of view, people get stressed out when they have to discuss uncomfortable topics. And they tend to procrastinate as much as possible. This is the way the mind works. And given the background, it's probably more stressful to discuss these topics from her point of view. 

That being said, she eventually did tell you. So she overcame her anxiety enough to finally discuss the topic. 

That's a good thing. Maybe not the ideal resolution for you, but it is something. 

Breath. Be calm. Remember to both understand, but also not to overthink things to the point where your back on the hamster wheel thinking and justifying things too much.

Listen to her point of view. Explain yours. That's pretty much all we can do anyways. After that, then it's up to you to decide if boundaries are broken or not. 

Yeah. Not much help. It is easier said than done. These things take experience and can throw you for a spin in life. It's not pleasant, regardless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

Rubix Cubed said:


> Starting fights because you get an ego boost over men fighting over you is NOT cool. That's no bueno.
> Curious though, how did you handle it?


Not as well as I could have. But not as badly either. 

Surprisingly, most groups of guys back down when a single guy invites them outside as a group. 

But not always.


----------



## alphaomega

I had two ladies fight over me once, back in the college days. While they stood there screaming at each other, I went and got another whiskey, found my buds, then went to the bar with them, sans girls. 

I'm old as fk now. The only ladies that would fight over me now are some hyena chicks fighting over my dead carcass. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> Not as well as I could have. But not as badly either.
> 
> Surprisingly, most groups of guys back down when a single guy invites them outside as a group.
> 
> But not always.


Holy crap. Shiit tests. Sounds like you flunked. Then,not surprisingly,wound up with a cheater.
Live and learn,eh?


----------



## Marduk

Maxo said:


> Holy crap. Shiit tests. Sounds like you flunked. Then,not surprisingly,wound up with a cheater.
> Live and learn,eh?


Very much not true. 

The couple of times it came to blows, 2-3 guys would end up on the ground or running away. 

And she's not a cheater. I disagree with that label. It's more complicated than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

marduk said:


> Very much not true.
> 
> The couple of times it came to blows, 2-3 guys would end up on the ground or running away.
> 
> And she's not a cheater. I disagree with that label. It's more complicated than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dammit Marduk do you write books for a living, you always seem to leave one little hook question unanswered.

So let me ask...what put an end to her doing this?


And while I asking, anybody know how this thread played out for CBT?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

Decorum said:


> Dammit Marduk do you write books for a living, you always seem to leave one little hook question unanswered.
> 
> So let me ask...what put an end to her doing this?
> 
> 
> And while I asking, anybody know how this thread played out for CBT?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What put an end to her going out all the time was me going out all the time. 

What put an end to her (non romantic) EA was me starting the separation process. 

More to it than that, but this is someone else's thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

marduk said:


> What put an end to her going out all the time was me going out all the time.
> 
> What put an end to her (non romantic) EA was me starting the separation process.
> 
> More to it than that, but this is someone else's thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, no, Marduk I know your story, and I admire how you handeled it.
Sorry if I was unclear. Mine was a more playful question, what put an end to her "volunteering" you for a fight with a table of guys?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

Decorum said:


> No, no, Marduk I know your story, and I admire how you handeled it.
> Sorry if I was unclear. Mine was a more playful question, what put an end to her "volunteering" you for a fight with a table of guys?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I dealt with a bunch of guys and told her it wasn't funny, and she'd be on her own the next time she felt like running her mouth off just to watch me fight. 

What was happening is that she wanted to know that I'd protect her, and that it turned her on. 

And if somebody pisses her off, she'll let them know about it. But I'm ok with that. 

Hell, we were at a hockey game a few years back because a buddy gave me some crappy tickets. A bunch of guys in the row behind us called the ref a vagina. 

She turned around and asked him if he'd ever even seen a vagina. He started to lip her off back and I told him to settle down. His friends all started laughing at him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rubix Cubed

marduk said:


> When I dealt with a bunch of guys and told her it wasn't funny, and she'd be on her own the next time she felt like running her mouth off just to watch me fight.
> 
> What was happening is that she wanted to know that I'd protect her, and that it turned her on.
> 
> And if somebody pisses her off, she'll let them know about it. But I'm ok with that.
> 
> Hell, we were at a hockey game a few years back because a buddy gave me some crappy tickets. A bunch of guys in the row behind us called the ref a vagina.
> 
> She turned around and asked him if he'd ever even seen a vagina. He started to lip her off back and I told him to settle down. His friends all started laughing at him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Sounds like she keeps things exciting for you.


----------



## bigfoot

marduk said:


> Very much not true.
> 
> The couple of times it came to blows, 2-3 guys would end up on the ground or running away.
> 
> And she's not a cheater. I disagree with that label. It's more complicated than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't get this. How old are you? Not trying to criticize you, but SERIOUSLY?! Grown men fighting?? I use to be a prosecutor and I can't tell you how many murder and agg. assault cases my office handled because of stuff like this. Woman insults man. Man responds. Boyfriend or husband jumps in to protect her "honor" or whatever. Some one get's their butt kicked. Sometimes no blows exchanged. Still, within half an hour gunshots and someone was dead or hurt bad. And not always the participants. Usually some innocent bystander or kid.

As far as challenging a group of guys to a fight...well, they must have been a bunch of accountants. No offense to accountants, I know some former thugs who have turned it around. I've seen the so called tough guy boyfriend get laid out. Still, a black belt is no insurance against getting your butt kicked or worse. It does not stop bullets, bats, prevent you from being knocked out, and is virtually worthless once you get taken to the ground. 

Excuse the rant, but I've just seen too much actual death and misery when pissing matches get started because of some woman. Being involved in that kind of foolishness is nothing, IMHO, to be proud about. (yes, I ended with a preposition)


----------



## Marduk

bigfoot said:


> I don't get this. How old are you? Not trying to criticize you, but SERIOUSLY?! Grown men fighting?? I use to be a prosecutor and I can't tell you how many murder and agg. assault cases my office handled because of stuff like this. Woman insults man. Man responds. Boyfriend or husband jumps in to protect her "honor" or whatever. Some one get's their butt kicked. Sometimes no blows exchanged. Still, within half an hour gunshots and someone was dead or hurt bad. And not always the participants. Usually some innocent bystander or kid.


 I was in my mid 20s at the time and not as calm as I am now. 



> As far as challenging a group of guys to a fight...well, they must have been a bunch of accountants. No offense to accountants, I know some former thugs who have turned it around. I've seen the so called tough guy boyfriend get laid out. Still, a black belt is no insurance against getting your butt kicked or worse. It does not stop bullets, bats, prevent you from being knocked out, and is virtually worthless once you get taken to the ground.
> 
> Excuse the rant, but I've just seen too much actual death and misery when pissing matches get started because of some woman. Being involved in that kind of foolishness is nothing, IMHO, to be proud about. (yes, I ended with a preposition)


sure. 

To be fair, I learned martial arts to stop fighting. I grew up fighting. 

Never have I thrown the first punch in a fight.

But I hear you. It was mostly stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> Very much not true.
> 
> The couple of times it came to blows, 2-3 guys would end up on the ground or running away.
> 
> And she's not a cheater. I disagree with that label. It's more complicated than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I say you failed not because you did not prevail in tne fights,but because you allowed yourself to be manipulated.
I am sorry if I mixed your wife up with a cheater. I thought you had mentioned she had done so.


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> I was in my mid 20s at the time and not as calm as I am now.
> 
> 
> sure.
> 
> To be fair, I learned martial arts to stop fighting. I grew up fighting.
> 
> Never have I thrown the first punch in a fight.
> 
> But I hear you. It was mostly stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotta agree. Sounds juvenile. ( and dangerous ). Guys that have to prove themselves like this are messed up.


----------



## Maxo

bigfoot said:


> I don't get this. How old are you? Not trying to criticize you, but SERIOUSLY?! Grown men fighting?? I use to be a prosecutor and I can't tell you how many murder and agg. assault cases my office handled because of stuff like this. Woman insults man. Man responds. Boyfriend or husband jumps in to protect her "honor" or whatever. Some one get's their butt kicked. Sometimes no blows exchanged. Still, within half an hour gunshots and someone was dead or hurt bad. And not always the participants. Usually some innocent bystander or kid.
> 
> As far as challenging a group of guys to a fight...well, they must have been a bunch of accountants. No offense to accountants, I know some former thugs who have turned it around. I've seen the so called tough guy boyfriend get laid out. Still, a black belt is no insurance against getting your butt kicked or worse. It does not stop bullets, bats, prevent you from being knocked out, and is virtually worthless once you get taken to the ground.
> 
> Excuse the rant, but I've just seen too much actual death and misery when pissing matches get started because of some woman. Being involved in that kind of foolishness is nothing, IMHO, to be proud about. (yes, I ended with a preposition)


You are exactly right. I was. PD early in my career,ann,also,saw this type of thing escalate.
And,here you have a guy,who has trained intensively, adminstering beatings to some guys who were out for a good time,minding their own business until some strange woman begins antagonizing them for no reason other than to get her juices flowing as her hero protects her. Just sickening. Who marries a woman like that.. Oh,wait,a guy that beats up overmatched guys who respond to his damsel's taunts.
Sooner or later,Jackie Chan or not,someone is going to break a pool cue over this guy' s head. 
Or,as you mention,he is going to get taken to the ground by some wrestler and shown how kung fu etc is worthless against someone with a ground game.


----------



## Marduk

Maxo said:


> Gotta agree. Sounds juvenile. ( and dangerous ). Guys that have to prove themselves like this are messed up.


I wasn't proving myself. At the time it felt a lot more like I was resigned to my fate. 

I was coming out of a bad marriage with a lot of anger. And a lot of angst. 

It's hard to describe.


----------



## Marduk

Maxo said:


> You are exactly right. I was. PD early in my career,ann,also,saw this type of thing escalate.
> And,here you have a guy,who has trained intensively, adminstering beatings to some guys who were out for a good time,minding their own business until some strange woman begins antagonizing them for no reason other than to get her juices flowing as her hero protects her. Just sickening. Who marries a woman like that.. Oh,wait,a guy that beats up overmatched guys who respond to his damsel's taunts.
> Sooner or later,Jackie Chan or not,someone is going to break a pool cue over this guy' s head.
> Or,as you mention,he is going to get taken to the ground by some wrestler and shown how kung fu etc is worthless against someone with a ground game.


To be fair, I always gave them a way out. 

But I hear you. 

And yes. Ground game is the game for those that know what they're doing. But the vast majority of time it was over within seconds.


----------



## Maxo

marduk said:


> To be fair, I always gave them a way out.
> 
> But I hear you.
> 
> And yes. Ground game is the game for those that know what they're doing. But the vast majority of time it was over within seconds.


Did you disclose your training? Couldn't you have walked away.
One of my good friends, now a fellow golf pro,was the US welterweight kickboxing champ for about 5 years. I asked hin how he would have done against Chuck Norris,who was a friend of his,as was Rick Rufus,and zbill Wallace. He told me that he would have had little problem with Chuck or Bill, and had beaten Rick in a points match,handily.

No one could provoke this guy to fight. He would always walk away.
I respect him. He is no bully.


----------



## WorkingWife

T&T said:


> I don't know your story, but think she handled it well. Whether she waited a day or two doesn't really matter much does it? If she feared your reaction there most likely is something there...


I think it absolutely matters. It sounds like she has cheated on him before. She claims she didn't tell him before the trip because she thought he would be a mess. But she DOES tell him while ON the trip, where the guy is, and he is at home with no control over the situation? If that won't make you a mess, what will?

It sounds more to me like she didn't tell him right away because she didn't want him to go along or nix the trip. The ole "Better to request forgiveness than ask permission..."

To the OP:
I have not dealt with R in marriage but I know a lot of people say you should never spend the night apart. Period.


----------



## WhyMe66

I am not taking sides.


> … a freakin cop??? and for him to say is not a prob that she is married?? wtf is going on in this world?!?!


Putting on the badge does not mean losing human foibles and flaws.


> … but was afraid of my reaction and wanted to wait for the right moment to tell me.


Well, with the history in place it seems like she wanted to do it at the best time. Maybe she wanted to steel herself for the coming storm.


> … and have made things very clear to her on this and its never to happen again


I take it you mean not holding onto the information for so long and not the part about getting hit on-she doesn’t have control over that…

As for the cop-if he isn’t doing this anymore then there isn’t much else to do. If you feel the need you can always call the department’s ombudsman or internal affairs division. Keep in mind, though, that she will be dragged into this and there will not be a whole lot to gain. And there will be retaliation, I promise. Wrong as it is, there will be payback.


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## Marduk

Maxo said:


> Did you disclose your training? Couldn't you have walked away.
> One of my good friends, now a fellow golf pro,was the US welterweight kickboxing champ for about 5 years. I asked hin how he would have done against Chuck Norris,who was a friend of his,as was Rick Rufus,and zbill Wallace. He told me that he would have had little problem with Chuck or Bill, and had beaten Rick in a points match,handily.
> 
> No one could provoke this guy to fight. He would always walk away.
> I respect him. He is no bully.


Always. It was weird though, sometimes that would egg guys on more. 

I'd basically stand in the middle (not good form) and see what they'd do. Not egg anybody on, usually not saying a word. But definitely not walking away either. 

As I said, it was a bad time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

marduk said:


> Always. It was weird though, sometimes that would egg guys on more.
> 
> I'd basically stand in the middle (not good form) and see what they'd do. Not egg anybody on, usually not saying a word. But definitely not walking away either.
> 
> As I said, it was a bad time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kind of like Jack Reacher only with your whacked GF being the provocateur.


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## Marduk

Maxo said:


> Kind of like Jack Reacher only with your whacked GF being the provocateur.


She wasn't whacked. I learned and understood much later what was happening and my part to play in that. 

I don't know who jack reacher is, sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

marduk said:


> She wasn't whacked. I learned and understood much later what was happening and my part to play in that.
> 
> I don't know who jack reacher is, sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Checkout the bar fight scene on youtube re Reacher.


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## T&T

WorkingWife said:


> I think it absolutely matters. It sounds like she has cheated on him before. She claims she didn't tell him before the trip because she thought he would be a mess. But she DOES tell him while ON the trip, where the guy is, and he is at home with no control over the situation? If that won't make you a mess, what will?
> 
> It sounds more to me like she didn't tell him right away because she didn't want him to go along or nix the trip. The ole "Better to request forgiveness than ask permission..."
> 
> To the OP:
> I have not dealt with R in marriage but I know a lot of people say you should never spend the night apart. Period.


I wrote that a year ago and 40 new pages since...


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