# Where do I begin?



## hurt10/1/11 (Oct 2, 2011)

I just found out on Friday that my husband has been having an affair. This happened purely by accident and I am absolutely devastated. We have been married for 8 years and have a daughter. I have gone through a whole range of emotions since then. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it and said he would end it. He sent me the correspondence that he had with her telling her it was over. I know that I don't want the marriage to be over but I don't even know where to begin sorting out my thoughts or what comes next. I have chosen not to know any details of his affair except what I already know, which is enough. He has seemed to be remorseful for his actions or maybe he's upset because he got caught. I don't know. I just know that I'm feeling so much pain right now. Any advice on where to begin would be appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurt10/1/11 said:


> I have chosen not to know any details of his affair except what I already know, which is enough.



Bad idea

while the nitty gritty details may be more harmful than good (like they did x sexual position or how OW does a BJ, etc), the overall story, length, how they met, where they met, how they communicated and arranged meetings, his feelings, and all sorts of stuff like that needs to be addressed instead of simply swept under the rug. This affair has to be attacked head on or else it will happen again.

This what most of us recommend needs to be done to have a successful R:

1) No contact whatsoever with the OW. I know you saw the correspondence stating that it is "over" but your husband needs to also write a NC latter stating that he will never contact her and she should not contatc him. If she ever does contact him, he must ignore it and tell you right away.

2) Your husband must be completely transparent. That means he must give up all passwords, allow you access to his emails and phone whenever you ask, inform you of his whereabouts, etc. You must also verify everything by using spy equipment like keyloggers, VAR's and GPS and phone spyware.

3) Your husband must show complete remorse. He has to admit 100% blame of the affair. That means no blameshifting or gaslightng as to what happened. Yes you will need to address marital problems eventually but the affair comes first and there was no problem in the marriage that is reason for his cheating.

4) You must let him know the consequences of what will happen if he doesn't follow 1-3, that you will divorce him.


Of course IC and MC is always a good idea IF your husband is not continuing his affair. You both need to start opening the doors of communication. 

I suggest you read the welcome newbie link in my signature as well.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Bad idea
> 
> while the nitty gritty details may be more harmful than good (like they did x sexual position or how OW does a BJ, etc), the overall story, length, how they met, where they met, how they communicated and arranged meetings, his feelings, and all sorts of stuff like that needs to be addressed instead of simply swept under the rug. This affair has to be attacked head on or else it will happen again.


Agree 100% with AR here. I would add that the BIGGEST reason you need to know the above is so that the mind movies aren't worse than the truth.

Trust me, THEY WILL BE if you don't address this.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know it is hard to hear what these people are saying but the man you married is not here right now.

He has lied to you, disrespected you He almost certainly will lie to you again. Many, many times.

Knowing the details will help. Your mind will invent things and actions far worse than anything they actually did.

If you think he is not remorseful. He isn't. 
You know him best of all and only you can judge, but be very , very careful to trust but verify. That is why having complete access to email accounts, phone records, GPS on the phone. 
He should object to none of this if he is remorseful. he broke your trust and now has to rebuild it. 

Go slowly.. Nothing is going to happen overnight. Nothing wil be solved without a lot of work and your husband must WANT to do the majority of it.


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## hurt10/1/11 (Oct 2, 2011)

Thank you for helping me to see that I need to know details. Since I posted this I have begun asking questions of him about it. Not things I wanted to hear but I did it anyway.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I second the exposue of the OW if she is married or has a SO, do NOT tell your husband you will expose her, he may warn her and she will paint you as a crazy jealous wife who is lying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Bad idea
> 
> while the nitty gritty details may be more harmful than good (like they did x sexual position or how OW does a BJ, etc), the overall story, length, how they met, where they met, how they communicated and arranged meetings, his feelings, and all sorts of stuff like that needs to be addressed instead of simply swept under the rug. This affair has to be attacked head on or else it will happen again.
> 
> ...



"You must also verify everything by using spy equipment like keyloggers, VAR's and GPS and phone spyware."

You cannot let him know you are doing this in case he really hasn't stopped the affair (happens all the time, just hides it better) or he starts it up again.

Sorry you have to be here, good luck and be strong. Whatever you do keep standing up for yourself.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Sorry to hear that another heart has been torn apart. It is devistating to hear that our spouces are unfaithful. If you have a close friend or family I would reach out for support. Going through this alone is horrible...I know this as I am going through it alone...I work out of town and found out a little over a month ago....and my H did continue to speak with the OW after disclosure...so be vigalent...and talk to a D attorney to find out your options just in case...that is what I am doing...there is a web site called Affairrecovery.com that has some good articles....you may want to check it out....good luck to you


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

hurt10/1/11 said:


> I just found out on Friday that my husband has been having an affair. This happened purely by accident and I am absolutely devastated. We have been married for 8 years and have a daughter. I have gone through a whole range of emotions since then. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it and said he would end it. He sent me the correspondence that he had with her telling her it was over. I know that I don't want the marriage to be over but I don't even know where to begin sorting out my thoughts or what comes next. I have chosen not to know any details of his affair except what I already know, which is enough. He has seemed to be remorseful for his actions or maybe he's upset because he got caught. I don't know. I just know that I'm feeling so much pain right now. Any advice on where to begin would be appreciated.


Hurt,

Let me start of by saying how sorry I am to hear of your situation. I am very glad you found this forum, it is by far the best place on the web for affair related topics.

What do you need to do now? What's next?

Well the simple answer is to tale care of yourself first and foremost.

What does this mean?

It means to take a few steps back and really analyse the situation using your logic and reasoning. This is easier said than done...but it is so very important.

First realize that you are going to be living in a very reality from what your used to...this is nothing to fret over...just don't pretend that you're not. Here are some examples;

1. Trust: the trust you once enjoyed in the marriage is now shattered. Do not trust your husband at his word. You are going to have to fight your natural instinct to trust your spouse. I know hie said he ended the affair...you even read some correspondence. This is a good sign...but that's all it is. You have to realize that everything your husband tells you must now must be verified! Verified by his actions, verified from your investigation and then verified some more. There is no way around this....if you trust without verification you are asking to get burned again.

2. Do not think about tomorrow: Meaning; it is way to soon for you to be thinking about complete recovery and restoration...just take each day as it comes. Your main focus should be on YOU and YOU alone...what he wants, needs, thinks is second to what YOU want, need, think. YOU have to become a little "selfish" and really hone in on exactly what you need.


By far the most important thing you need to do is to work on getting your feet back on solid ground. You emotions are running full speed ahead. This is going to lesson the chances of you making good decisions...try and remove the "emotional you" and rely on the "logical you." Take your time..there is no reason to rush anything at this point...get yourself centered first.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

So sorry to hear you are going through this, but please listen to all the advice above. These lovely people know what they are talking about and their advice has been so much help to me in dealing with the aftermath of my husbands EA. They have truly helped me to survive this past couple of months.

good luck to you x


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## hurt10/1/11 (Oct 2, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I am here and up and have my feet on the floor. This is not how I thought that our marriage would go. In my heart, not out loud, I am committed to trying to work things out with him and I know that I have a long way to go. I've done much else but think through everything that has happened. Today I am going to do something for myself and hopefully put this away for just a few hours and focus on me and what I truly want.


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