# I can't imagine ever loving or trusting him again...



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I am in a crazy situation I have tried to find someone who can give me advice, but I can't find anyone who can relate to what I am going through. My husband had multiple affairs a decade or so ago, but I only just found out more of the truth recently. I knew something was wrong back then, he treated me so poorly, ignoring me, being dismissive, and verbally cruel. He would get so angry when I didn't want to have sex, but it was impossible to desire someone who treated me like crap. He was very controlling with the house, didn't want me to throw anything away to the point that he would wig out if I even tried to recycle the newspapers. He was flying high with his career back then and thought he was entitled to have whatever he wanted from me. Meanwhile, I was struggling with pregnancy losses, the resultant depressions, and a very challenging oldest daughter. I gave up my career to stay home with the kids and I eventually gave up on entertaining because I was embarrassed about the house and he never really helped me with anything around the house. In a fit of contrition, he confessed to one affair seven years ago. I couldn't handle it because at that point we were struggling financially and had elderly, sick parents to care for as well as the kids. I took over the finances and saw what a mess everything was and I went out and got a job. A few years ago, after both our mothers had passed away and the kids were older and more independent, I finally came up for air and started to take better care of myself. I started exercising, lost 20 pounds, connected with old friends and made new ones. I am now in a masters program to get my teaching license. I also became emotionally involved with someone online through a music fan website I joined. My husband suddenly decided that he did care and wanted a relationship again. At that point, we hadn't had sex in five years other than the one time on our 25th anniversary, which was because I thought we should try again. It was that occasion that made me realize that I didn't love or desire him anymore. This happened, by the way, before I started my emotional affair. So, I find out a few months ago that husband had been spying on me with keyloggers on my laptop and the home desktop computer. He had most of the emails and some texts between myself and my friend. I understand on the one hand, because he did it two summers ago with my phone and I said I would stop. I did for a while, but then I started up again. In hindsight, I think I did it because I couldn't handle husband wanting me to love him again and maybe it was my way out, I really don't know. I am in therapy now to try to figure it all out. What I am sure of is that I can't love this man again after everything that's happened. I feel sorry for him now, he has changed some in that he's stopped drinking. But his multiple addictions (did I mention the drinking and online porn?), and his passive aggressive personality have permanently changed my feelings. Plus, I don't think he really loves me, it's just all about control. He couldn't stand me finding some happiness with someone else, even though he didn't care himself. He never tried to make up the affair to me and when I finally got him to be more honest, he confessed to three affairs, but I know there were more. I need to leave but I am afraid for the kids (my youngest is still in high school) and I worry about the finances and that, at 56, I am too old to start over. Sorry for the length here and I hope this makes sense.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your affair is likely an escape from the reality of your marriage. You should make yourself a priority for your own sake. Don't let the fear of something different stop you from leaving, you have the ability to improve your own life, and your proving it by getting your masters. You have to ask yourself, is it better to be alone, or in this miserable marriage. You can move on if you allow yourself to. Don't let his misery drag you down with him. Your outlook on life may change once you leave, and leave his negativity behind.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Is the OM out of your life completely? Like zero commucation? Has been told not to contact you again?

Until that has happened, there isn't much else you can say here that will be relevant to your marriage. An affair will cloud every aspect of your judgements, and you can't look at your husband or your marriage objectively in any way, shape or form and are doing yourself and your family a selfish disservice.

I'm not saying that the marriage should or shouldn't be saved, I'm just saying that you can't have an honest conversation about it with the OM still in the picture.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Thanks for the responses, you are both right. My marriage has been miserable for so long, I don't see how we can ever be truly happy together. He still won't tell me the truth about his affairs and the financial cheating and yet he spies on me because he can't stand the thought that I am seeking some happiness with someone else. He even admitted that for a while, he figured that it was a case of what's good for the goose is good for the gander and it wasn't until he says he saw that he was losing me that he decided to start spying. The thing is, I believed him every step of the way...when he told me that there was only one woman and when he said he wasn't spying on me. The pathetic thing is, this OM lives on the other side of the world, in Australia. The chances are slim to nil that we would ever see each other and, aside from some inappropriate flirting, we kept it to a friendship, knowing what our situations were. I have not told him to never contact me again, but in the three months since I deleted the gmail account, I haven't contacted him. It's hard, because I do miss his friendship, but I don't want to have the decision on whether or not to leave my marriage to be clouded by this infatuation. 
I'm just so sad and hopeless right now and it's the Holidays...


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Ok... I want to say this because you've now said it twice and I can't figure out why. I believe just about every husband on earth wouldn't be able to stand the thought of his wife seeking happiness with someone else. I sure as heck don't want my wife pursuing anything with another man. If I did, why would I still be married to her?

I get that his affairs/cheating from a long time ago hurt you enormously, and that sucks. If you're still suffering from it now, you should definitely be working with an IC to help process through that. With that said, your attitude sounds really dismissive of the effects of your own affair as well. I mean, you're insulting him for his being upset about your EA simply because the OM is on the other side of the world, as if feelings can't travel. I don't see how that would make it hurt any less to be honest. 

The truth is, he should have every right to have access to most every aspect of your life because of the EA. (Just as you should have been given similar rights when his prior affair came out) You're angry that he's "spying", but the only reason he is spying is because you betrayed his trust via sneaky ways. It only makes sense that he would be distrustful and wanting to spy on you.

If you want some advice, here it is.

1. Make sure you never contact the OM again, or respond to him if he contacts you.
2. You need to sit him down (perhaps in MC if you think that would be better) and as directly as you possibly can, tell him exactly how bad this has gotten for you. That the marriage is on the rocks, that you're doubtful that it can be saved, and the reasons for that.

While you've probably tried to drop hints and allude to him that the you're unhappy or the marriage is suffering, you can't just assume that he's gotten the picture. I'm guessing that things haven't changed much in many years, and that he's grown somewhat accustomed to your general unhappiness, complaints, etc. IF there is a chance of him changing (and there is!) then he needs to be walloped over the head with the reality stick and told exactly what the current situation is.

Then you'll find out if it's possible. He'll either go into "rescue mode", trying to do everything he can with ears (finally) wide open trying to save the marriage now that he knows it's on the precipice of failure, or if he genuinely doesn't care, he'll give up. You indicate that you feel that he doesn't care, but I bet he might surprise you.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You feel sad and hopeless because you have stifled yourself with fear. You are so anchored in your fear that you can't make any decisions. Not all of your reasons for NOT leaving are as big and insurmountable as you are making them. 

Even claiming that you cannot find anyone to talk to is blown out of proportion because there is always someone to talk to. If you don't have insurance to cover counseling, there are state-run family clinics that are free, and there are counselors available at various domestic violence shelters.

You're making everything worse than it is. It is not impossible to leave and if the fear of starting over is because you don't want to face any possible hardship, then go ahead and resolve to stay where you are because it's easier. But even the hardship you fear is still just fear. It likely won't be as hard as you think it will. And besides, if you are so extremely unhappy, it would seem anything you have to face would be worth it just to get out of this awful marriage.

Your husband will have to pay child support and probably spousal support too. That, along with your own income, means the finances won't be as bad as you fear.

When it comes to children, they do adjust. Yours won't be the only child of divorce on the planet. But, if you want to sacrifice for the child's sake, then conclude to wait until s/he finishes high school to get the divorce. I do know that divorce can affect some kids, but kids should never be the reason to stay married. Your teenager cannot bear the burden of the kind of responsibility that you are dumping on his or her head. The responsibility for your marriage is yours and your husband's.

In the very least, you can begin making a plan. Sitting there complaining, being unhappy, and too paralyzed to make decisions won't help the situation if you don't make any effort. So, start a plan. One that you will execute in 1 year or in 2 years, your decision, but do something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're obviously very smart, and doing the right thing by leaving the OM behind. So start focusing on how you are going to get out of this marriage. Plan to leave when the youngest graduates. That will give you time to do it right, and it will give your marriage at least a slim chance of being resurrected. I've seen many men do complete changes once they realize the wife really WILL leave them. And that's usually what it takes - knowing you're leaving. In other words, make your plans, but keep the door open.

Oh, and please break your posts up into paragraphs. It's really hard to read such huge blocks of text.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Thanks for the helpful comments and I promise to break this up into paragraphs. 

I think what makes it so difficult for me is that I keep second guessing myself. On my low days I think that I will be sorry that I left him, that I'm too old to start over, that I won't find anyone better, that I'll miss my old life. I also think that until I can stop thinking about my EA partner, I won't be able to make a clear decision about my marriage. 

But, on my strong days I can see that our marriage has always been so difficult, that, the bottom line is we don't make each other happy and we seldom have. We are very different and I am so tired of trying to make it work. Right now, it feels like my blood pressure spikes whenever we are together. He looks at me with such disappointment and sadness, I end up feeling like a bad person for wanting a separation. 

Then I get angry because, heck, I don't know many women who would have put up with the multiple affairs, porn addiction, and alcohol abuse. He didn't respect me and I just can't see myself falling in love with him again. That is what he truly wants and he is trying in his own way, but it is too little too late. 

My therapist thinks that we should separate for at least a year or more. She says it usually takes that long to resolve the kind of long term problems we have. 

If I didn't care at all about his feelings it would be a no brainer, I'd be gone. I guess I was looking for an easy exit, but there really isn't any such thing, is there? How do people get through this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have every right to feel as you do about your husband. Your husband is a serial cheater. The two of you have not been intimate for at least 5 years now. The chance is very high that he is still cheating. What makes you think that he is not? Sure he admits to only affairs that happened a long time ago. Why should be admit to more recent affairs that you have obviously not found out about?

Since you cannot make up your mind on what you want to do, I agree with your counselor. A separation for at least 1 year makes sense. You need to space to figure out what you want to do and whether or not you even want to consider staying in this sham of a marriage.

A separation might be a lot less disruptive for your child. While he will still be spending time with both of you separately as he would in a divorce, there is not the finalization that comes with divorce. Then if you move to divorce, by that time he will be more used to the idea.

How old are your children?

Do you think you can get your husband to move out?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Thanks for your support, EleGirl. My children are 24, 21, and 16. The oldest is living at home right now, she can't seem to get started with her life after college. She is working part-time, but needs to be working more and move out. She's a sweet, wonderful girl who helps me a lot at home, but she sees what's going on with me and her father and it isn't good for her to be home so much. 

The 21 year old is away at college and much more independent, and my son is a busy high school student who struggles with ADHD. They all know we are in couples counseling, I wanted to be upfront about that with them so that a separation wouldn't come as a complete surprise. 

I know what I have to do, I just have to get the courage and the energy to make it happen. As an interim step, I am going to try to get him to move into the basement. If he won't, then I will do it myself. Then, when I am finished with my courses in May, if I still feel the same way, then I will move to formalize the separation. 

I just wish I didn't feel so alone right now. That's what's making me want to still reach out to my EA partner, but I know that it wouldn't be good for me. I have to get through this with a clear head.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you do need a clear head right now. It is hard when you feel you have no one to talk to. A support group might help.

Another thing that might help is writing/journaling. I find this to be as helpful as talking to people. The way I do it is that when I have something bothering me I get on the computer and start typing in MS Word.. just furiously type what's going though my mind. Usually by the time I'm done, I have come up with some solutions and the issues don't seem to big anymore. The funny thing is that I never keep these mind dumps.. I just delete them. When I do that, it's like throwing away the problem.

Perhaps this would help you.

Also, make sure that your husband does not have a key logger on your computer. Get anything he has on there removed and tell him that it's time for him to stop the snooping.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do people get through this? A step at a time. I was ten years older than you when I filed to end a 45 year marriage due to infidelity. I have not for a moment regretted getting out. Yes, my life is very different than it used to be (far less materialistic for one thing). I date but I can't imagine living with someone again. My life is for the first time all about me. 

My only regret? Not getting out when the first cheating incident occurred 30 years ago. I obviously can't get that time back but life is very good on the other side.


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