# Transition is now complete (I think)



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Well, the 2 yr mark on my divorce is approaching and I've finally finished turning my life upside down. Amazing how much I've changed and how much my life has changed due to the decision to marry a specific person and have a child with her. Looking back on my life 2 yrs ago I almost don't even recognize it nor do I recognize the person I was. 

This morning I gave up my last part of me that has been around since my childhood yrs. I've changed jobs, moved to a different town, started over deep in debt and was clinging onto dear life not to have to dive into bankruptcy. That was all one yr ago. Now, I have money in the bank, I'm still deep in debt but it is slowly being chipped away month by month, and I'm moving forward with my new life. This final decision to give up something that has been a part of me for so long was tough but it was also necessary. Kind of scary to be honest because what defined who I was for so long is no longer going to be a part of my life. What is next? Where do I go from here? What will be my next move and next adventure? 

I remember talking to a friend of mine three years ago about the future and I recall saying that "I will be here doing what I am doing for the rest of my career." And I really believed that! I loved my job, loved where I was in life, but....Was unhappy in my marriage. I was a 3rd wheel in my marriage. Didn't listen to my gut. I'll never do that again. Instead, 5 yrs later she found someone else and decided to go another way rather than working on our relationship. To be honest, I can't really blame her. 

I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage but none of it was unrepairable. Matter of fact, I tried my butt off for the last year to make things better. Tried too hard and did a lot of wrong things but at least I tried. I CAN live with that. Yes, I lost in the end but I cannot dwell on that anymore. 

It is still hard only seeing my daughter half the week. I miss her terribly when she is away but I also know that I need to start putting myself out there and finding new interests and making a new life for me. I've tried to hold on to my old life for too long now instead of making this final decision to cut ties with it completely. This decision really came about a year too late. It did serve a purpose in helping me to cut back on my debt. 

Now I have more free time. I'm taking some classes, trying to get another advanced degree to be fully certified to teach the college level courses I'm currently teaching but that is temporary. And to be honest, I'm looking for something different to fill my time. I just don't know what it is at the moment. 

Sorry for the long post. Just thinking through my computer and kind of reflecting while at the same time wondering what the future is going to hold now that I've made this final decision to cut ties with my past. Guess I will have a lot of time to think about the next stage of my life now, eh?


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, I am really impressed by all the hard work and self reflection, I guess that is all any of us can hope for or do, out best! I am sure, for you, just like for me, there is something great around the corner and all this work is about being ready when it shows up. Your daughter will realize all the effort it took to stay in her life and appreciate it when she is older. And the truth is, they are adults a lot longer than they are kids. Chin up and keep moving forward.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Thanks, Stillhoping. My daughter and I have an amazing relationship. She feels ok to just be herself around me but I catch her every now and then trying to do and say thing to "please" me. I try to make a point to tell her that I don't want her to do that. I don't want her to feel she has to say or do things to make me happy and then go to her mom's and say other things. 

A few days ago I was talking to a buddy and I caught myself saying "my daughter's mom" instead of my ex. That is the way I look at her now. She's no longer my ex. Just a stranger that happens to be the mother of my daughter. 

Self reflection is good....to a point. I've caught myself reflecting too much on the past where I get stuck in the past, if that makes sense. I'm an analytical person so I have a need to try to figure out how things work and why they don't. Sometimes....there just aren't answers and I'm getting better at accepting that. 

Still a ways to go. Starting to search for homes. Yr one of the divorce and I was living in a little 1 BR apt, yr 2 and I'm in a 2BR apt, now I'm looking for cheap homes to fix up and flip. That will be a HUGE step for me. 

One major change for me has been the dating scene. I'm a bit worried because I've kind of lost the desire to even look. I'm ok being by myself even though it does get lonely sometimes. Just cannot imagine getting married again and I really don't have a desire to waste a bunch of time sifting through the dating games. I had accounts on POF and match at one point but I deleted them. Deleted my facebook page as well. Guess if it is meant to happen then it will. For the first time since my divorce I actually don't care if it does. If I find someone that enhances my life then wonderful but it is not a priority right now. Anyone else get to this point?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise - 

I go through phases. I'll concentrate on DIY stuff and friends and will be very busy for a while and then something will hit me - an invite to a cookout where I have to go alone, or a new movie or theater production I want to see or a restaurant I want to try... and not that I can't call a female friend but those are times I get a sudden wave of loneliness where I really just want a male DATE - the holding hands walking into the building, glancing at your partner across the room and smile/wink knowing they are ready to leave or have the twinkle that tells me they are having a good time. I think it's that feeling of connectedness that I miss. 

Usually those times are when I tend to reach out more often - try to make eye contact in public places (my friend tells me I tend to go everywhere with a purpose and don't notice the men so I have to practice) and generally just try to put myself out there.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Paradise,

" Just cannot imagine getting married again and I really don't have a desire to waste a bunch of time sifting through the dating games. I had accounts on POF and match at one point but I deleted them. Deleted my facebook page as well. Guess if it is meant to happen then it will. For the first time since my divorce I actually don't care if it does. If I find someone that enhances my life then wonderful but it is not a priority right now."

My divorce isn't final yet and I already feel like this. I'm 48, and its just too hard. I was talking to this one guy who had custody of his three small children, and that scared the daylights out of me. I'm content being on my own now, and if it happens, it happens.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

HeartbrokenW said:


> My divorce isn't final yet and I already feel like this. I'm 48, and its just too hard. I was talking to this one guy who had custody of his three small children, and that scared the daylights out of me. I'm content being on my own now, and if it happens, it happens.


 I try to be content and even try to tell myself I don't need anyone, but I'm not quite there. I long for romance and love and sometimes feel, as each day passes, that is one less day in my life to enjoy it. I've always been a hopeless romantic. I think my idea of love is more poetic and imaginary then real. Maybe there is no person out there for me. It still hurts to see couples out in public displaying affection for each other.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I am really to the point where I don't need anyone. Like I said, I barely even think about it anymore. Been a LONG time since I've been with anyone. 

I am happy being alone. Nice to be able to do as I please. I'm just kind of worried that I'll never let anyone into my life again. Not saying that is a good or bad thing at the moment.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Paradise said:


> I am really to the point where I don't need anyone. Like I said, I barely even think about it anymore. Been a LONG time since I've been with anyone.
> 
> I am happy being alone.


:iagree: This is where I'm at. Years ago, when I was broken up and newly single I dated like a crazed woman, looking to replace what I had. That neediness and obsession led me to marry my then-best friend, my husband. I was so damn needy and dependent. All my choices were based on that neediness, that loneliness and desire to have someone in my life.

It led me to 24 years of a bad marriage where for the last 10 years I dreamed only of ending it. 

Now I'm nearly there but most importantly, I don't care about being alone. I enjoy it and as I look forward I really don't want to be committed to anyone person. Quite the opposite I'm looking to make some major changes to my life and having another person in my life isn't something I desire. I don't want anyone influencing my choices and actions.

I want to be free to do as I want, when I want. After 24 years of being trapped by marriage and parenthood freedom is what I most desire. While I'd like to go out and date and have fun, it's not a huge priority for me. IMO, that's an indication of being in a GOOD place, not a bad one. 

Being content with your own company and keeping yourself busy and happy is an indication that you've moved on from a bad marriage and are in a better place. I'm enjoying myself more now than I ever did while being married. 

Heck, I've just spent the last 2 days by myself skiing and eating alone and being on my own. I loved every minute of it! Well, except the falling down on a double black diamond trail and sliding about 400 yards head first and getting my ribs all bruised but we won't go into that. Ouch.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Paradise said:


> Thanks, Stillhoping. My daughter and I have an amazing relationship. She feels ok to just be herself around me but I catch her every now and then trying to do and say thing to "please" me. I try to make a point to tell her that I don't want her to do that. I don't want her to feel she has to say or do things to make me happy and then go to her mom's and say other things.
> 
> A few days ago I was talking to a buddy and I caught myself saying "my daughter's mom" instead of my ex. That is the way I look at her now. She's no longer my ex. Just a stranger that happens to be the mother of my daughter.
> 
> ...


This is completely normal. I would even say healthy for the first year...even two. There are just so many changes and adjustments, emotions, the last thing you are thinking about is finding someone new. I was happy to be alone, not to have to think or worry about anybody but myself and my kids for a change. I loved it. I had absolutely zero interest in dating the first year. Starting opening up to it the during the second year but didnt actively look. I think people who jump right into a relationship or who start frantically dating are avoiding to a large degree. Its important to get your bearings and learn to be comfortable/content on your own before finding someone new. You have alot great things going on....but one day you will start to miss having someone. You will get back out there and be so much better off for all the time and work you put into yourself.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

inarut said:


> This is completely normal. I would even say healthy for the first year...even two. There are just so many changes and adjustments, emotions, the last thing you are thinking about is finding someone new. I was happy to be alone, not to have to think or worry about anybody but myself and my kids for a change. I loved it. I had absolutely zero interest in dating the first year. Starting opening up to it the during the second year but didnt actively look. I think people who jump right into a relationship or who start frantically dating are avoiding to a large degree. Its important to get your bearings and learn to be comfortable/content on your own before finding someone new. You have alot great things going on....but one day you will start to miss having someone. You will get back out there and be so much better off for all the time and work you put into yourself.


I hope you are right! lol...Another post on here mentioned something about comparing yourself to your ex and I think for a while I was doing that. I was trying to find someone because my ex left me for someone else and he immediately replaced me in all of the things that I use to do. Hard on the ego and I do believe I was trying to find someone else quickly just to show that I was worthwhile. I don't think like that anymore. I don't compare myself to my ex and could care less that she married the moron a year after the divorce. He'll figure things out soon enough. We'll see where they are at when the debt continues to pile up and the money runs out. 

Anyone else tired of paying for your marriage and divorce? Geez, seems like an endless process. I look at all of the money I could be saving or spending on things I want to do right now but instead and constantly using it all to pay bills and debt. Ugh....I think non-stop about ways to decrease it quickly but it's going to take a few more years. I'm getting impatient. I do believe, if I can find a beat up house that is less than my rent at least I'll have something to take my mind off of the debt a bit. 

Baby steps, I know....It will all happen eventually and then I'll be in a really good place but darn it's a long road out of this mess.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I became the proud owner of nearly 30K in debt when my marriage ended. Coupled with 30K in child support. I assumed all of the debt, because most was in my name, and she had no way to pay it. Didn't have a job.
Divorce isn't cheap, and it isn't easy. It has been nearly 5 years, I'm down to the last 5K of that debt. My credit rating still hasn't fully recovered from the beating it took back in 08.

Being at the place where you can acknowledge that you don't need someone is a pretty good indication that you are ready to have someone.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Paradise said:


> Anyone else tired of paying for your marriage and divorce? Geez, seems like an endless process. I look at all of the money I could be saving or spending on things I want to do right now but instead and constantly using it all to pay bills and debt. Ugh....I think non-stop about ways to decrease it quickly but it's going to take a few more years. I'm getting impatient. I do believe, if I can find a beat up house that is less than my rent at least I'll have something to take my mind off of the debt a bit.
> 
> Baby steps, I know....It will all happen eventually and then I'll be in a really good place but darn it's a long road out of this mess.


The last 3 years have taken a real toll on my savings. First my drunk of a husband left me with a pile of bills and I had to get my own place and live on my own, support the kids, etc. That emptied out my savings for moving, etc. 

Then he pulled a repeat performance with my son this past December. I spent a ton of money getting my son clothes, a new computer, paying for Christmas, buying my daughter a new car and now I'm pretty much the sole wage owner and support for my family. 

My husband is crying poverty after having blown through at least $100k of inheritance money (none of which I had any legal claim to anyway ) in the past 2 years. Now he's saying that he might not HAVE a place for our son to come visit him in! :wtf: He is such a piece of work..:slap:

I don't know why this man has such a hard understanding the concept of GETTING A JOB but I've given up. If he can just take my son off my hands from time to time and keep his debts (and I'm sure he has are many) to himself then I'll consider myself lucky. 

With the exception of cosigning my daughter's car payment and a no interest loan to buy my son's computer I'm debt free. We have no assets but not mutual debts either. He's on his own. I just want to get the hell away from him before whatever creditors he has realize that he was married the past 24 years. Fortunately his debts, loans and property are ALL in his name. We have been completely separate financially and physically for over 2 years. Now it's just a few weeks before it's legal too. 

I don't have much in the way of savings but I'm not in debt. Even my credit cards are clear. My credit rating is good. Guess I'm luckier than a lot of people. I paid to file ($275) for divorce and it looks like that will be what it costs for the entire divorce. Basically we are agreeing just to divorce. He is free to be poor and eventually I'll be free to live my life on my own. My plan is when my kids are out of the house I'm going to downsize dramatically and decrease my spending. I'll never make much more money than I am now so my only hope is to cut expenses. Fortunately I can live simply and be happy. 

It's about all I can ask for at this point. If he can be a father to my son then it's good. What else can I do? I can beat him to a bloody pulp and drag him thru the mud legally and emotionally but he'll be no good to anyone then. He's lucky that I'm not angry or vengeful. I'm just being very pragmatic and practical about all this. 

At least this way he's can still be a factor in my son's life. If he can take him for a good portion of this summer I'll be happy. If he can't give me money directly then he's helping in a roundabout way by taking my son to live with him from time to time..provided he remains sober. 

Plus I need him to take the steel doors off my Jeep when the warm weather comes.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Deejo said:


> I became the proud owner of nearly 30K in debt when my marriage ended. Coupled with 30K in child support. I assumed all of the debt, because most was in my name, and she had no way to pay it. Didn't have a job.
> Divorce isn't cheap, and it isn't easy. It has been nearly 5 years, I'm down to the last 5K of that debt. My credit rating still hasn't fully recovered from the beating it took back in 08.
> 
> Being at the place where you can acknowledge that you don't need someone is a pretty good indication that you are ready to have someone.


I'm right there with you. I have worked like crazy to cut my debt but it is frustrating. I am doing it right, though, and I know I just need to maintain the course. Figuring 2 yrs and I'll be completely debt free. 

And I'll take your word for the "ready to have someone." I'm happy not having anyone and my daughter and my financial recovery have been my primary priorities anyway.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

1 week and my D is final, 10 months after dday. Uncontested, so the whole thing cost me $1300.00. I got the house and my daughter most of the time. Honestly, what she did still hurts, but it's now a dull ache, not a stabbing pain.

I love my freedom, being debt free, saving money and doing what I want to. I'm 51 and know I don't need another romantic relationship. Someday I might WANT one, but lots of work still left to do on myself. 

STBXW is now unemployed, living off credit cards, no job prospects and driving an uninsured, unregisterd ****box. Evidently prince charming isn't cutting it financially. She even invited me to dinner last week while he was at work! Insane. i have to admit, i'm enjoying watching her crash and burn. Whatever she suffers won't equal the 1000 deaths she put me through. 

I'm working toward indifference though, every day I get a bit closer.

You're doing well, Paradise. I'm happy for you.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

maincourse99 said:


> 1 week and my D is final, 10 months after dday. Uncontested, so the whole thing cost me $1300.00.


:scratchhead: Uncontested and still $1300? Why so much? I'm assuming it'll cost me only $300. The cost of filing plus gas. 



> I love my freedom, being debt free, saving money and doing what I want to. I'm 51 and know I don't need another romantic relationship. Someday I might WANT one, but lots of work still left to do on myself.
> 
> STBXW is now unemployed, living off credit cards, no job prospects and driving an uninsured, unregisterd ****box.


Ok, you sound like you are in the same state of mind as I am. Your STBXW sounds like my STBXH so why don't we do the ultimate dastardly deed and introduce them to each other? They sound like real soulmates. They can share the same cardboard box under the bridge. :rofl:


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_scratchhead: Uncontested and still $1300? Why so much? I'm assuming it'll cost me only $300. The cost of filing plus gas. 

Ok, you sound like you are in the same state of mind as I am. Your STBXW sounds like my STBXH so why don't we do the ultimate dastardly deed and introduce them to each other? They sound like real soulmates. They can share the same cardboard box under the bridge. :rofl_



I guess I live in an expensive state (in New England). That was the best price I could find, and the guy was pretty good, it all went my way. In fact I snuck in there that I can buy out her share of the house for $6000.00 within 3 years and she has to accept. I don't think she even read the divorce agreement. 

You're STBHX sounds like one of those "fun" guys, live in the moment. My STBXW is currently living with a guy like that, 16 years older than her, an "Italian wine expert", loves gourmet restaurants and the finer things in life. 

He drives a 12 yo mercedes that is so beat up now it fools nobody. Such a douche. My daughter told me that recently his car broke down and it took him 2 weeks to get together the money to fix it. He had to take the bus to work. 

Now when my STBXW finally tires of his act, we'll match her with your STBXH, as long as he talks a good game, lies and worships her, he's in business


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

maincourse99 said:


> I guess I live in an expensive state (in New England). That was the best price I could find, and the guy was pretty good, it all went my way. In fact I snuck in there that I can buy out her share of the house for $6000.00 within 3 years and she has to accept. I don't think she even read the divorce agreement.


I live in one of the most expensive states in the Northeast. You got a lawyer? That explains it. We had no lawyer. Nothing. But we have no property, no assets and our debts are completely separate. There was no real reason TO get a lawyer except to harass each other. I wanted to keep it between us from the very beginning and make this as simple, inexpensive and quick as possible. Seems that's what has happened. 

I could've made his life miserable and he could've done the same to me but all we would've done is made each other crazy. I told him, "we can be like two armies throwing bombs and artillery at each other and all we'll wind up with is two smoldering piles of debris". So I decided to just let things go and so did he. 

We checked the box that gave us the divorce and we are working out the details on our own. Neither of us really want the courts and state involved in our business. It was a mutual agreement. End result: The cost of our divorce was the amount it cost me to file. $300 if you factor in the gas it cost to drive back and forth. Usually we drive in together and trade off who drives to save on gas costs. 

Yes, I know it's bizarre but it definitely helps that we are basically divorced in mindset, if not legally yet. Now that he's sober and working on himself I'm more of a mind to work with him, not fight against him. We need to work together to parent our son. That's my main priority now. 



> You're STBHX sounds like one of those "fun" guys, live in the moment. My STBXW is currently living with a guy like that, 16 years older than her, an "Italian wine expert", loves gourmet restaurants and the finer things in life.


Actually NOW he's being pretty practical, since he doesn't have any money.  Sure wish that had been the case before. He did an excellent job of convincing me that he had a million dollars in the bank at one time. Seems that wasn't the case. He could have it hidden somewhere but since it's inherited money I can't get at it anyway. I'm thinking that's not the case now though. 

I guess he did live in the moment. All the drinking didn't help either. He def has issues. It's a shame because he wasted all that money and had opportunity to set things up. Instead, he's looking at being homeless I'm hoping he will stay sober and get his act together enough to help out some with my son financially. 

His behavior these past 3 years and spending sprees are not something we talk about much anymore because I'm pissed off about it and he doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong so we'll never agree. I can't say I didn't take advantage and enjoy some of the the things he did with him either. I definitely was a partner in his crimes but he was the driving force. It's water under the bridge at this point anyway so there's no reason to rehash it and just get pissed off as a result.


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