# It’s my fault



## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

I think a lot of people feel losing the person you wanted was a two way street. That makes sense, is fair, and doesn’t make much of any sense or seem fair at all if you were to consider it any other way. 

I’ve never cheated, I’ve never strayed, I’ve never used him for money, I’ve never gotten fat, denied him sex, had an emotional connection, disliked him, thought of someone else when I was with him, hated him, or tried to hurt him. 

I’m rich, if we divorced and I wanted to fight it, I’d be fine. I have zero education, I stopped working when I met him (13 years ago) and have done absolutely nothing in my life other than learned how to make spring rolls and help my child a finalist in his 5th grade science fair. I clean the bathrooms, make breakfast and do an extraordinary job of impersonating the most boring person who’ve ever met. 

It’s not self deprecating. It’s honest.

I lied. I lied when I met him because I liked him. I didn‘t like me. For good reason. I really sucked. 
I dropped out of college, I‘m not very smart, I had sex with horrible people for horrible reasons, my family is trashy, I lived in embarrassing situations….the list goes on and on. I was at a dead end job, he was a visiting where I lived, life brought us together and I lied. 

From the start I lied. I didn’t (honestly) think I’d ever be the end of me, or him, or us, or our lives, but I know I lied because I wanted him to like me. I didn’t think there was a chance someone who was older and successful and hardworking and honest and attractive and funny and smart and sweet and sexy would have wanted me. In a manner, I know I was right. He doesn’t want me and it’s not just because of the lies, but because he didn’t want someone like me. That’s okay. That is what is fair. I don’t want certain things. It doesn’t make me evil. It’s just not what I want. 
So I lied. 

I justified it easily at the time in ways I can’t accurately recall because it was 13 years ago. But I know I lied about sex, who I’d had it with, the strength of my determination as far as growing myself, parts of my family, etc. But mainly sex. I was someone who got used. I let myself get used. I fully participated in being worthless. Ironically, I’ve had sex (without my husband) a small amount. But I lied about it. I lied about it all. The truth came out as the truth does. Drugs, alcohol, parental issues, eating disorders, working stress, insecurities whatever, it all happened.

I have 3 children, my oldest palatably dislikes me, and is inches away from a greater emotion I can’t fathom recovering from. My two youngest are twins and while they are too young to really understand, already understand things are not working, and mommy is the problem. I am. I am issues with alcohol, lying, drugs, understanding basics of life, telling the truth, understanding any sense of work ethic, loyalty, pride, self worth, integrity, who name it - I’m at fault. 

So he’s done. I’m not questioning why or trying to change his mind. I‘m wholly ****ed. I stopped talking to my entire blood family, I have zero friendships, I was high on something and called the police because somewhere in my mind I felt like I was doing something right. It’s a long story. It’s not an entertaining one. 

The man i met was sexy and successful and in shape. He was funny and charming and engaging. He was happy and talkative and friendly. He was proud and interesting and fascinating and intriguing. He was in shape and made good decisions and was kind and helpful and just….good.

The person he is now, I don’t recognize anymore than myself. I want to list the reasons why it’s not my fault, and I can but that’s just the ******** these chats (I’m afraid of) are full of. This is my first. I don’t know. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m wrong or right or he’s wrong or right. No one can judge my life or his based on 11 paragraphs someone who introduced themselves as a liar should make a call. 

I guess I’m making this hard for anyone to write back anything. I myself don’t know what I’m asking. I feel like I’m going to be mad if you tell me it’s okay, and I feel like I’m going to be mad if you tell me anything else. I don’t know what I want you to tell me. I think it might be nothing more than, I heard you. 

I have no family, no friends, no religion, no help group, no secrets, no more lies, no more excuses, no more explanations, no more second chances, no more time outs, no more ways out, no more anything. It’s gone. Everything is gone.

I googled ways to kill my self, but really, I’m not there yet. I hate to think that’s even more selfish. How could I explain that to my kids if I was dead? What am I trying to tell my kids they don’t already know or won’t? 

I just am looking for a reply. A person to talk to. Thanks.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Don't kill yourself. 

You mentioned issues with alcohol & drugs. Why net get those addressed 1st? Perhaps it's time to quit so look into AA & NA or a 28 day program if your addiction is so bad that you will need medical assistance to detox. Those are real, positive steps to take to show your spouse that you are trying to reform. 

Get some IC to address why you lie & to develop your self esteem. Get MC to find your way back to your spouse. Consider family counseling to repair your relationship with your kids.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is ok to think your life is crap and falling apart , 
we all have times we wish we got killed or life ended 
but a few days or weeks later we say it is good to be alive to see this day , 
hitting low spots is normal , no one lives the facebook life , everyone has the side we want no one to know 
just sometimes it can come out , and when it does it looks worst than it was 

When life is falling apart, the one thing you want more than anything is the one thing you can’t have: control. You want to make the pain stop. You want to go back to where you were a year ago or ten years ago. You want to freeze time so you can take that second to just cry or scream or breathe.

But time doesn’t stand still. We can’t bring back people we’ve lost. We can’t force people to stay with us who are desperate to leave. Sometimes it’s even hard to get the screaming voices in your head to quiet down so you can think clearly. Life is damn short. And heck yeah that’s scary. But we can either try to control things we can’t control and spend our entire lives miserable or we can control what we can control and accept that some things are just not in our power and find peace.

But you can’t hide out in the past. It just doesn’t exist anymore. But you’ve still got these moments. You’ve still got your life. You’ve still got this moment to watch the sunset, do silly dance moves, inspire people around you, help people who are suffering, show people what love is, and find happiness in the pain. The world needs you so damn much. But it needs you to live in this moment, so please stop hiding in the past. You don’t belong there anymore. 

what is in the past is in the past yes it had nice things and bad but that is the past now 

When your life is falling apart, there’s often things you don’t really want to do. 
take up what it is that you might like to try your hand at 

Most of the time, when my life is falling apart, I try to be my own heroine and solve problems myself. But being in the middle of the problems doesn’t allow me to have a good sounding board to ensure that I make the right decision. And so, despite attempts to make my problems go away, I usually only make them worse. And that’s when professional help has to come in and save the day. The reason for sharing this antidote is to let you know that it’s totally okay if you need to see a psychotherapist, family or marriage counselor, or some other professional expert to get the help you need. 

Sometimes, you’re so deep in the quicksand, there’s no way you can get yourself out on your own. People are meant to help one another. So don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. It’s better to get an objective look at a situation so that your thoughts don’t lead you down a toxic spiral of untruths. You know what I’m talking about. That moment when your thoughts take over and it’s all negative self-talk about yourself, about the person you might have a conflict with, about the world, the moon, and the stars. Put the shovel in your mind down and get that second opinion on how to pull your life together. You might have to build things back up the slow and painful way, but uphill climbs always hurt when you’re out of shape. 

There are three time periods: the past, the present, and the future. But most people have never experienced the present moment. They’re replaying memories from the past wishing and hoping they could go back. They’re panicking about the future worrying about what’ll happen to them and wondering if they’ll be okay. But you know what moment you’re safe in? This one taking place right now. Right now, all you’re doing is reading an article about what to do when your life is falling apart. What I love about sharing this moment with you is that you recognized that things aren’t going well and you took action by reading this post. You’ve got so much strength in you to do that. You want to take action, 

get your self help for the things you can 
do it and show your children you can do it 
there is help out there but you have to find the help that is best for you your needs and sometimes looking into the past but not seeing the reason of what hurt you , 
we all have different ways of dealing with hurt


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi and Welcome. Come and talk. You took the first step today. Be proud of that.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Don't kill yourself.
> 
> You mentioned issues with alcohol & drugs. Why net get those addressed 1st? Perhaps it's time to quit so look into AA & NA or a 28 day program if your addiction is so bad that you will need medical assistance to detox. Those are real, positive steps to take to show your spouse that you are trying to reform.
> 
> Get some IC to address why you lie & to develop your self esteem. Get MC to find your way back to your spouse. Consider family counseling to repair your relationship with your kids.



Thank you. Thank you from the mess of tears I’m wiping away, simply because you listened and took the time to write back. There is no option for rehab, there is no option for counseling. There is no one there anymore. I literally do not talk to anyone, except for my husband when he is forced to and my children when there is no other option. Do not feel sorry for me, I did this. It’s just the truth. 
I am joining AA. I found a divorce support group online in my area and thought maybe. But then maybe its not the right fit, because I don’t feel like sitting in a semi circle explaining why we just couldn’t get along will touch any line of the circumstances surrounding myself and the lives I destroyed. But thank you. Thank you. Thank you and thank you.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is ok to think your life is crap and falling apart ,
> we all have times we wish we got killed or life ended
> but a few days or weeks later we say it is good to be alive to see this day ,
> hitting low spots is normal , no one lives the facebook life , everyone has the side we want no one to know
> ...


well, I supposed I’’m going to be spending most of my time crying on this website. Thank you. You gave me a perspective on the truth of existing solely in the past. I remember it, try to recreate it, lament it, berate it, excuse it, apologize, justify, blame….whatever. I love the past. I love even the painful parts because they were better than now. And the future is exactly what you said - out of control. 

I’m going to reread your words ten times. And then ten more tonight when I’m alone again. I hide in my house. Isn’t that sad? It’s not because I think they miss me, but because they wonder what is she doing now unless they have me in eye sight. Thank you. Why are you on here? Does this mean you were hurt Too? I am not prying, this is my first message board, and I’m notoriously selfish. It seems proper to ask, I’m sorry if its’ not, but I actually do want to know. You were so kind. So if you have something to share, I have two ears and I really do, really, care about people other than me. Thank you again.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> Hi and Welcome. Come and talk. You took the first step today. Be proud of that.


Thank you. This is like finding friends for the first time. It’s fun. Ha. Thank you. Are you okay? Why are you reading sad things like words I write or spending your time offering a hand to those on the ground?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Jane2021 said:


> well, I supposed I’’m going to be spending most of my time crying on this website. Thank you. You gave me a perspective on the truth of existing solely in the past. I remember it, try to recreate it, lament it, berate it, excuse it, apologize, justify, blame….whatever. I love the past. I love even the painful parts because they were better than now. And the future is exactly what you said - out of control.
> 
> I’m going to reread your words ten times. And then ten more tonight when I’m alone again. I hide in my house. Isn’t that sad? It’s not because I think they miss me, but because they wonder what is she doing now unless they have me in eye sight. Thank you. Why are you on here? Does this mean you were hurt Too? I am not prying, this is my first message board, and I’m notoriously selfish. It seems proper to ask, I’m sorry if its’ not, but I actually do want to know. You were so kind. So if you have something to share, I have two ears and I really do, really, care about people other than me. Thank you again.


 I have a life story it would fill a book more a collection of books 
no one would read it as they would think it was just made up , 
I seem to fall from one fight to the next with often one overlapping the other , 
I don't know how many times I thought that guy was lucky to die or worse , 
by helping others i keep my mind off my battle


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jane2021 said:


> I think a lot of people feel losing the person you wanted was a two way street. That makes sense, is fair, and doesn’t make much of any sense or seem fair at all if you were to consider it any other way.
> 
> I’ve never cheated, I’ve never strayed, I’ve never used him for money, I’ve never gotten fat, denied him sex, had an emotional connection, disliked him, thought of someone else when I was with him, hated him, or tried to hurt him.
> 
> ...


Your story touched me. Sometimes I like to imagine I am the OP (i.e. you the "Original Poster") and think how would I express what you told us to your partner. 

This is what came to mind first.

"When I first met you I was swept off my feet. I wanted to be the person you thought I was, I wanted to live in the truth of your world, because the truth of my world was **** (rhymes with kit).

I was sinking and I realize now how unfair it was to you, but I wanted a savior, a shining knight.

I admire you so much, but I did you a terrible wrong by not being genuine, and honest".

"You did show me that there is a better way to live, a reason to be genuine, and that is a lesson I am grateful to you for, and I will remember it.

For what it's worth I'm sorry, I was selfish and I put my pain on you."

Jane there are a lot of unknowns in your post. 
Where you doing things behind his back, how did he find out, etc?

You know there is a better way now. You are an adult, and you can grow and gain the tools to stabilize your life, and gain your self-respect.

First comes the pain of realization, then remorse, then responsibility, then the hard work of recovery.

You will find respect with others when you do.

You don't know where you fit now.

You have to find and reclaim the person you were meant to be.

You don't do that by looking for it. It comes to you.

As you walk carefully as I described above it will open up to you.

If you start taking these steps maybe 6 months from now you will feel a glimmer of hope.

Follow that glimmer and you will be on the right path for you.

You will be grateful one day you did.

I really wish you well.
Take care!


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a life story it would fill a book more a collection of books
> no one would read it as they would think it was just made up ,
> I seem to fall from one fight to the next with often one overlapping the other ,
> I don't know how many times I thought that guy was lucky to die or worse ,
> by helping others i keep my mind off my battle



I’m dying. I know there are women on buses in countries just hoping to come out alive, rather than raped. I made my kid watch a video of children trying to fight their way to school in places in Africa, because the idea of being eaten is better than having no chance at an education. 
girl, guy, whoever you are ——- I’ feel like I hate emotions. They are a privilege that people who have real struggles have to deal with. This sucks. I am so damn sad. You’re my favorite person right now. Is it hot where you are? I painted today. I like to paint. It was so hot.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

Decorum said:


> Your story touched me. Sometimes I like to imagine I am the OP (i.e. you the "Original Poster") and think how would I express what you told us to your partner.
> 
> This is what came to mind first.
> 
> ...


Please forgive me if I steal you’re exact words. 
Please forgive me, because I would and will if it will help.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a life story it would fill a book more a collection of books
> no one would read it as they would think it was just made up ,
> I seem to fall from one fight to the next with often one overlapping the other ,
> I don't know how many times I thought that guy was lucky to die or worse ,
> by helping others i keep my mind off my battle


I’d like to hear your story. If you want to share.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, he lied too. The person he acted like and bothered to be to impress you isn't who he really is at all. The person you know now is a more accurate version of who he is than the one you first met and fell for. 

Really, I think we all put on our "best self" or who we think the other person wants us to be. You're going to get crucified on here because you lied to him about sexual partners, but past partners are nobody's business, really. I hate that you hate yourself for it and hope you'll just get in therapy to sort out your faltering self-esteem. We all do nutty things when we're young. I mean, until a person reaches their mid-20s and beyond, the part of their brain that can foresee consequences isn't even fully formed. That's why young people are doing crazy things they may regret later (or bless themselves for having experienced later when their lives are more boring). I do the latter. 

There are a bunch of regulars on here who truly believe that a woman who was promiscuous will never be faithful. I know personally that isn't true. Some men just have a lot of ego invested in having sex and are even retroactively jealous or possessive. I sure don't know many women who are, but you'll see soon enough a lot of men are, for whatever reason, whether it's because sex is about the only thing that matters to them or because they are insecure and need a lot of validation that they are the best or the only or whatever sexually, when to most women, that is such juvenile nonsense and shouldn't be that much of a priority and sounds like a personal problem. 

You're punishing yourself. You need to get into either rehab or therapy if you're still doing substances of any kind to excess. Something in your distant background before you ever slept with anyone voluntarily (any childhood abuse or trauma?) has caused you to have some real self-esteem problems. You need to get to the bottom of it because most of what you say you have been doing sound perfectly fine, but not the substances, obviously, especially if you have kids. Go get your own family attorney and get a job and get in rehab so he can't just try to take the kids if he's a mind to. But even if he does, the courts always give a pathway back to a natural parent if they follow the steps. But make a good first impression and start doing all that now. I don't know if you are doing things to endanger the kids or not, but now is the time to rehab yourself either way.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jane2021 said:


> Please forgive me if I steal you’re exact words.
> Please forgive me, because I would and will if it will help.


Well I offered them hoping they would speak to your heart and his, so then they belong to you now.

I have to say something that will be hard to hear.
Looking desperate, needy or imbalanced will not attract him.

You must begin working on yourself for yourself.

If your partner feels betrayed he may not even feel sympathy.

The one thing you can do is face things in such a way, and take actions in such a way that you begin to garner his respect.

You can be broken, you can be remorseful, and there is no need to be overtly independent, but he needs to see that you are choosing to grow, and change through this with or without him.

I'm sure someone has already recommended therapy, also reading related books.

You deserve a support structure, you do, and not just for yourself, but for your children, and others that you will meet.

You have been running away from your pain, and you are fragmented. Its time to put the pieces back together as much as possible.

You cannot make up for a lost childhood, but you can learn to cope, to support others, and to find happiness in yourself.

If you hike say in the mountains you may see the peak or divide as you move toward it. You will get there if you keep moving.

That's a goal you set for yourself, and one you work toward for yourself.

You already have the beginning of a support system here.

I have watched the people here stick with someone year after year, good people who care.

You will see.
Give yourself some time and space to heal and to grow.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Jane2021 said:


> I’ feel like I hate emotions. They are a privilege that people who have real struggles have to deal with.


 for a long time I removed the word friend from my life , 
because friends are a lux that people tend to buy , if you have money
you have friends once the money runs out the friends do too 

the French like to kiss and hug 
but it can be so fake 
that you start to feel it is just to get close to you to stab you in the back 

life is hard filling it with fake people 
fake friends that are only around to profit from you

so I find it is best to make your own rules and be honest to yourself 
so here are mine but in no order as one is not more important than the other 

Fill your life with love. for the people that are important ,Love is the way of life. Love is essential, it is the nourishment of the soul even if they don't love you back ,and cut out the haters 

Listen to your soul, nothing is impossible.
Find your purpose, we are all much better than we think we are many go to school but no one has any training when they leave school but some can turn their hand to anything , what ever you do be good at it be the best you can do ,

Stop comparing yourself to others. 
I used to get this a lot as a kid , why can't you be like x y z , 

Practice forgiveness every day. I feel it is best to forgive dragging it around will drag you down , 
and slowly forget , 

Surround yourself with happy people. 
very important cut out the dead wood sometimes it is good to just find a youtube of someone that can make you laugh , 

Learn everyday,
very important 

It is your attitude that matters. “You are what your deep, driving desire is


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

Decorum said:


> Your story touched me. Sometimes I like to imagine I am the OP (i.e. you the "Original Poster") and think how would I express what you told us to your partner.
> 
> This is what came to mind first.
> 
> ...


I’m two days sober. I’m absolutely miserable, my husband hates me, it’s not in my head, he tells me how much he does and how much he cannot wait to be away from me. He is a good man. He is trying to figure out how to provide for me as we separate. We haven’t officially told our children yet. He is looking at places to purchase near where we currently live so I can have a place. I haven’t had a job in 13 years and have no education or skills. I have no assets or anything in my name. I can’t drive due to a seizure disorder I think has been caused my anxiety and excessive drinking. I will not drink again, likely ever. I don’t see ever recovering from this pain or this sadness. I don’t see a end to anything other than everything I hate. Six months is a good goal. He is planning his new life and I know he’s not telling me to hurt me. He’s not a bad man or mean or hurtful. He’s just exhausted of carrying the weight of a marriage and children and betrayal And ending up with having nothing to show for it except embarrassing memories of a failed relationship that wouldn’t have happened if I had simply been a better human being. 

Why is it so difficult for some to not self sabotage? All I had to do was tell the truth. He wouldn’t’ have been with me, but that is better than this now. I have to live with breaking his heart, and breaking the hearts of our children in a couple weeks when we figure out where I can live (and the poor man has to provide for me….!) and I ruined our family. Because it worked for me? Because I was addicted to drinking to make me feel better? Because I liked partying with him more than I liked working on improving ourselves or carrying about our health?
I”ve provided nothing to him other than children, who he could have had with someone else and loved just as much and instead become the instigator in the crime and attempted cover up of changing a beautiful person into someone who hates himself nearly as much as he hates me. 

How could you not hate someone for tricking you into making choices you’d loath to do on your own. That’s how he feels. It’s been explained to me like if youre backing a car down the driveway, and fail to look behind you first, and you run over your child and kill him——- even if you didn’t want to, or it wasn’t your intention. You chose to drive the car, you chose to not look behind you, and you can never undo the death no matter how sorry you are or how many tears you cry.

Thank you for listening again. I”m using you like a normal person would a journal, but so far a journal has never written back. Although I don’t feel in six months anything will be more than sadder than they are now, there is this new feeling inside that at least he won’t have to see me as often. I am in a bizarre way trying to coach myself into becoming a different person that isn’t selfish and wrapped up in my own sadness and trying to focus on knowing he’ll be happier. My children won’t ever see their parent’s fight again. I won’t be tampering with happiness. I won’t be annoying or nagging or loud or too quiet or too slow or too fast. I’ll be a passing ship, and yes and obligation, but I know eventually I can get out from under that and help him to be free of me financially. It’s going to kill me to see him with another woman, but I’m trying to coach myself into accepting and believing and being a happy happy person. If you love someone who want their happiness. That isn’t with me. So enough with the poor me stuff, and be happy this is a direction we are heading in. Be unbelievably happy he’s kind enough and decent enough and had character and integrity to continue caring for my well being and my health despite that he owes me nothing and should have every right to walk away and leave me with nothing. He’s not like that.

I’m not going to kill myself. Its just the understanding that if something happened naturally, my kids would miss me temporarily but be absolutely fine. His life would be sadder to have to explain to his children I died and then deal with their sadness, but overall - everything would be easier, less expensive, less painful and less pathetic. 

I”m sober and it feels good. It’s sad but I am going to wake up tomorrow on day three caring about others happiness and not mine. That is my goal for six months. To forget me and love others to the best I can. You have good words of wisdom and I appreciate them!.

Sweet dreams and I hope your life is going well for you too.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

well Jane how are you getting on today wish you well and fight a good fight 
i hope you get through today safely


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> for a long time I removed the word friend from my life ,
> because friends are a lux that people tend to buy , if you have money
> you have friends once the money runs out the friends do too
> 
> ...


Replies like this help me in moments of sadness. Thank you.


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## Jane2021 (Aug 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> well Jane how are you getting on today wish you well and fight a good fight
> i hope you get through today safely


It’s my kids bday today. I’m taking moments in the bathroom to scream into a towel and then flushing the toilet and walking out with a smile on my face. 
My husband cannot stand me. The looks on his face and the words he says when no one can hear, or when they can hear and are said in jest are little knives in my heart. I keep smiling because I know I earned every one and I know he’s in pain. He isn’t a mean or hurtful person. He’s sad and so angry and hurt and betrayed and just hates me. So the plan today is to keep being sober AND smiling and being grateful I have children to have birthdays in the first place and be grateful I had a person who made them with me. My children are happy. They won’t be soon - but then they will be again. Life moves on. 

how are you? How is your life? Did you divorce? Is that why you are on here?


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