# Is it worth it?



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Are there any BS out there who stayed and worked on the marriage and are glad they did. I feel like **** today ... I can't stop the mind movies and I just want to curl up and die so I don't feel the pain anymore. 

I'm scared that all this is pointless, from now on in our decade long relationship is permenantly damaged, we were happy a year ago and the years before that but will we ever be happy enough in the future to justify all this ****ing pain! 

I love him and I know he has deep remorse and guilt for what he has done, not only the affair but for checking out of our family for the last year. I feel his pain as much as I feel my own and I can see the period of depression he has been hiding, lasting before all this ****ing mess. I hate this, its not fair. I didn't deserve any of this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are some that stayed and worked through it... 

::Sending out the bat signal::


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I hear the pain in your post and I am so sorry. My W didn't get phyiscal with her OM, but fell in love, and it hurt so bad. I can say that 7 months later I am very glad I decided to work it out, but if she had gone physical also with him, I don't think I would have forgiven her. I would have gone cold and begun the scorched earth approach. 

However, there are many people on this board who have gone through exactly what you have and have made it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am only 5 months out from D Day and I wonder the same thing. Things are getting better, we are talking, we are enjoying our time together. We have our good days and our bad ones. We have been married for 29 years. I still check the emails and phone logs... it is going to be a long road


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## dee515 (Nov 30, 2011)

I wonder the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes.
Do something good for yourself.
It will make you feel more secure.
Not everything you get in your marriage needs to come from your spouse. Your spouse will tend to follow your lead in helping you get what you need. I know it seems unfair to be putting so much energy to make repairs to yourself when you're not the one who did all the damage, but you know what? I decided it's a false assumption to think that anything is going to be fair. It makes things a lot easier. I decided I wanted a good marriage, and on the days when I don't feel like I am getting much in the way of bolstering up, I give it to myself. When my spouse sees how little it takes to make me happy, or the specific ways, it makes it easier for him to know what to do. The thing with the OW in his case is that she was ephemeral, it was from all accounts I got, an EA, by phone and email. So it was easy for him to make her happy, just words or attention or the power she got knowing that she was taking him away from me emotionally or in her case, had a grip on him first, the advantage (in her mind) of years of acquaintanceship. What I'm saying is that the betraying spouse just found it easier to feel some self-esteem by making someone happy. So on some days, you can improve your lot by helping things along. It's the kind thing to do, at first it seems selfish, like you want something done for you, some little thing, out of reparation or his/her sense of guilt. But it's not like that. Everyone needs to feel needed. By doing something for yourself, you can alleviate the sense of betrayal by being there for yourself, regardless of the marriage, and also demonstrate for spouse what it is you need to feel valued. 

The sense of accomplishment and understanding as a couple that you get from working through it, if there is a feeling of connection to begin with, that was sullied by life's 'trash' or the complications of some one else's troubled existence (spouses or OW/OM for instance) is well worth it. Even if there is failure, the sense of stability gained personally by trying cannot be repossessed even by the most punitive divorce decree.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Happily with fWH over here. It's been a long rough road, and we aren't done yet, but today our relationship is far better than it was leading up to D day. I am so glad we are together right now.

Dday#1 was March 13 2010 and #2 was Nov 6 2010. I've been told year 2 is harder than year 1, but haven't found that to be the case so far.

I attribute where we are today to him. He has done SO much work on himself and on us. I've done my fair share, don't get me wrong, but I would have had to do that work anyway, whether with him or not. He could have chosen to say to hell with me and just continued on his merry way without me, but he didn't.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ishe - not sure if you've read Almostrecovered's story or not but if you haven't you may find it helpful. Hopefully he'll chime in here shortly. Link below.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html

Since I'm the cheater (EA) I'm not really qualified to post my own opinions in this thread but based on what my wife tells me she's glad she stayed. She's even said to me that it was "worth it" to get the great relationship we have now. 

You've got to accept that the marriage you had is over. What the one you have now looks like it up to you and your H. If he is genuinely remorseful, takes full ownership of what he did, and does the things necessary to help you there is a chance the marriage ahead of you can be better than the one you left behind.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm 18 months out myself, not yet fully reconciled (on my part anyway), but working on it. But like Gabriel, a PA is my deal breaker. It does get better, and it does help to have a remorseful and transparent WS that is doing the heavy lifting and is committed 100%. Even with that going for me, it wasnt until the 8 month mark that I began to heal.

Going on this site and others and reading the stories was a constant trigger for me, most likely for all of you as well. It wasn't until almost the 1 year mark were I was able to read these stories without triggering too badly.

This is why you won't see that many people here who are in R because they are unable to read the stories here without triggering, which would set back their healing. A good many of the members here are the newly betrayed, and are only a few days to a few months out from DDay.

The rest of us are regulars here who have healed to the point of not being triggered so much by individual stories here. Although, I have to admit, there are some with some residual anger, myself included sometimes. 

But it does get better with time, provided that nothing gets swept under the rug.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for all the great replys everyone, I suppose I just needed reassurance that I was doing the right thing by staying. We have our first MC session on Thursday and since H is not the type of guy to go in for anything like counselling it says a lot to me that he is willing to try. 

Thanks again everyone one this site has been a real lifesaver
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Yes it can be worth.
But it depends on the two of you,everyone is different.
'IF" and in my mind and situation,that 'IF' is as big as the milky way (not the candy bar silly). IF he will not do it again and IF you are able to develope trust again. What do you think,you know him and yourself? Can he be trusted? Can you or will he allow that trust to really begin to plant and grow?


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

ishe? said:


> Are there any BS out there who stayed and worked on the marriage and are glad they did. I feel like **** today ... I can't stop the mind movies and I just want to curl up and die so I don't feel the pain anymore.
> 
> I'm scared that all this is pointless, from now on in our decade long relationship is permenantly damaged, we were happy a year ago and the years before that but will we ever be happy enough in the future to justify all this ****ing pain!
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry for your pain and I know exactally where you are coming from -- I'm sharing your shoes with respect to my WW. I was in a funk for a long, long time thinking when is this going to end? Can you really recover trust/respect after it's been lost? If I climb Mt. Rebuild Our Marriage will it be all for nothing ultimately only I'll be 5 years older?

In my case I didn't really even get the remorse/guilt -- at least you have that! That's huge! In my case I can't even think about true R without the remorse. And although I still love my WW, in my case the only viable card I have to play is the "D" card (I don't consider the "C"uckold card viable...) 

So you have two viable cards to play: "R" or "D". What do YOU want? If you play the R card then the challenge and work will involve dealing with the mind movies, rebuilding trust/respect, and ultimately striving to rebuild a marriage stronger than the one you had. There are no guarantees, however. BTW, there are no guarantees with "D" either! Investing yourself emotionally in anyone leaves you open to the possibility of being hurt/betrayed. The affair will be a scar for both of you that you will always carry. You will never forget it totally. But you do have the choice of letting your scars define you or not. Learn from them. Understand what life is trying to teach you and come to terms with it. For yourself. If you're BOTH willing to put in 100% to do this then it is possible but it will take time. Both cards have their pros/cons like most things in life...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It works for some people but not everyone. And those that it does work for, it's not an easy trip. Everyone who says, OMG we're soooooooo much better than we were before. Of course it's better, the other partner isn't cheating anymore.

But the love is never the same in that each one holds back a little something for fear of being hurt. The love is still there but there's always a little bit held back just in case. And then there is the spot checks from the BS from time to time.

I'm more than happy my wife took me back. She's a wife that almost any good husband would kill for, loving, caring, takes care of the house, kids, cooks, cleans, respects the in-laws, everything. I mean, guys would probably pay to take my wife to be theirs. She's close to 40 but looks like she's in her early 30s still, could even pull of late 20's, china doll face and not overweight at all after 3 kids.

But, she would have been better off IMO if she would have moved on and found someone else. I'm lucky to have someone like her who stuck it out and worked it out with me. I would have left in a heart beat if she had cheated.

Is it worth it, I don't know because I was the cheater and she'll never say to me or anyone else if it was worth it or not. Although once she did say that she should have left and not let everyone talk her into staying in the marriage (that was 3 or 4 years after D-day).


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