# Where now?



## Shadytree069

I cheated on my husband 4 years ago. We had moved to a new state. I was selfish. Got caught by texts on my phone. We decided to reconcile. Bought a house and had 2 more kids. 4 kids total. Sex has become strained and he seems not interested. No foreplay, i always intiate, half the time he doesnt want to. Hes unhappy at work. High stress job. On depression meds. He drinks nightly now. He says to help him sleep but also at other times insinuates its me. I think we need to go back to counseling and individual counseling, which he doesnt see the point for himself. He has said in the past few years that he just wishes his life was over and had counselibg then and depression/anxiety meds. I hate to see him living life this way. Hes obviously not happy. He has always felt inadequate due to a narcisstic mother and then my affair added to it. I honestly am not sure what to do? Counseling seems like a first. Will it always be this hard or in a plateau? Idk how to make it right anymore and make him see that i wouldnt have stayed if i truely didnt want to reconcile.


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## Shadytree069

Shadytree069 said:


> I cheated on my husband 4 years ago. We had moved to a new state. I was selfish. Got caught by texts on my phone. We decided to reconcile. Bought a house and had 2 more kids. 4 kids total. Sex has become strained and he seems not interested. No foreplay, i always intiate, half the time he doesnt want to. Hes unhappy at work. High stress job. On depression meds. He drinks nightly now. He says to help him sleep but also at other times insinuates its me. I think we need to go back to counseling and individual counseling, which he doesnt see the point for himself. He has said in the past few years that he just wishes his life was over and had counselibg then and depression/anxiety meds. I hate to see him living life this way. Hes obviously not happy. He has always felt inadequate due to a narcisstic mother and then my affair added to it. I honestly am not sure what to do? Counseling seems like a first. Will it always be this hard or in a plateau? Idk how to make it right anymore and make him see that i wouldnt have stayed if i truely didnt want to reconcile.


Oh also. Married 12 years. Together 15 years.


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## bobert

How did you deal with your affair? Was it swept under the rug or did you seek professional help to deal with it? Most people/sources will say that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, but it really depends on how the infidelity was dealt with. 

I have no right to judge, at all, but having two additional kids four years into reconciliation kind of makes me think the affair was at least somewhat rug swept. Or that the new babies were supposed to keep you together. 

That being said, to me, everything you wrote sounds like it has more to do with your husband's mental health than your affair. The lack of interest in sex could be from his depression and/or the medications that he is on. Saying he wishes he were dead is a huge red flag and that needs to be properly addressed. 

He may need help with addictions/alcohol. His level of alcohol intake sounds like it is a problem, and depending on what meds he's on he shouldn't be drinking anyway. If he needs help sleeping, alcohol is not the way to go. There are medications or therapies that he could try instead. There are apps like "Calm" that are great as well. Experience Calm

IMO, right now he needs individual counseling, not marriage counseling. You cannot fix him. You can support and guide him but it is ultimately up to him to get the help he clearly needs.


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## Shadytree069

bobert said:


> How did you deal with your affair? Was it swept under the rug or did you seek professional help to deal with it? Most people/sources will say that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, but it really depends on how the infidelity was dealt with.
> 
> I have no right to judge, at all, but having two additional kids four years into reconciliation kind of makes me think the affair was at least somewhat rug swept. Or that the new babies were supposed to keep you together.
> 
> That being said, to me, everything you wrote sounds like it has more to do with your husband's mental health than your affair. The lack of interest in sex could be from his depression and/or the medications that he is on. Saying he wishes he were dead is a huge red flag and that needs to be properly addressed.
> 
> He may need help with addictions/alcohol. His level of alcohol intake sounds like it is a problem, and depending on what meds he's on he shouldn't be drinking anyway. If he needs help sleeping, alcohol is not the way to go. There are medications or therapies that he could try instead. There are apps like "Calm" that are great as well. Experience Calm
> 
> IMO, right now he needs individual counseling, not marriage counseling. You cannot fix him. You can support and guide him but it is ultimately up to him to get the help he clearly needs.


We did marriage counseling right after discovery and got pregnant with #3 a couple months post affair. He debated leaving throughout the first summer back and forth and it was almost done by his choice in september that first year but we made it through. Bought a house when baby #3 was 10-11 months old and surprise pregnant with #4. So neither was planned. He did have coubseling after the constant wishing he was dead and added medication etc. He stopped doing counseling as he felt he knows what his problems are and figures they cant fix it for him. I think itd be good for him to have an outlet in a counselor, especially things hes feeling that arent always appropriate to talk with me, or something hed want to have an outside person to listen to. Ive also mentioned to him the alcohol and medication but alas i honestly think he still doesnt care about himself at this point. In my opinion he still should get mental health help. Its hard to see someone suffer and know you contributed to it. I think i may get IC anyways because its draining some days, i know i can't fix him.


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## Shadytree069

Also hard because both my parents were alcholics and you cant tell him that its a slippery slope.


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## bobert

Shadytree069 said:


> We did marriage counseling right after discovery and got pregnant with #3 a couple months post affair. He debated leaving throughout the first summer back and forth and it was almost done by his choice in september that first year but we made it through. Bought a house when baby #3 was 10-11 months old and surprise pregnant with #4. So neither was planned. He did have coubseling after the constant wishing he was dead and added medication etc. He stopped doing counseling as he felt he knows what his problems are and figures they cant fix it for him. I think itd be good for him to have an outlet in a counselor, especially things hes feeling that arent always appropriate to talk with me, or something hed want to have an outside person to listen to. Ive also mentioned to him the alcohol and medication but alas i honestly think he still doesnt care about himself at this point. In my opinion he still should get mental health help. Its hard to see someone suffer and know you contributed to it. I think i may get IC anyways because its draining some days, i know i can't fix him.


So, great that you did marriage counseling. How long did you see the marriage counselor (was it just a few sessions)? Do you feel that it resolved the issues around the affair or is anything unresolved? Did you do individual counseling as well to figure out why you cheated and to prevent yourself from ever doing it again? 

Something that you will have to decide is how long you are willing to live with your husband if he refuses to get help. Just because you cheated does not mean you have to stay with him forever. He does still have to take care of himself and do his part. 

Are you sure he's taking his medication? He shouldn't be doing so poorly if he is medicated. He may need a higher dose, different medication, or an additional medication. Would he be willing to talk to his doctor about that? 

Accidents happen but, if you haven't already, you may want to figure out a better method of birth control. With all the stress and issues your husband has right now, it would not be a good time for another "accident". 

Fair warning... some people here may be very harsh and rude because you are a (previously) unfaithful partner. Just something to be prepared for.


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## jlg07

He sounds clinically depressed -- he needs to see a medical Dr about this soon. Him wishing his life was over -- NOT a huge leap to him MAKING SURE his life is over.


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## BluesPower

First, the MC right after YOUR affair???? Not a good idea, too late now. 

To me it sounds like you guys rug swept you affair. Even though there was some counseling. You don't really talk about all the things YOU did to help him heal after you betrayed and emasculated him. Sounds like you just managed to get pregnant and he was stuck...

If he had issues before he sure has them now. 

He sounds clinically depressed, VERY MUCH SO. He needs professional help. 

But he probably feel bad that he stayed with you overall... Sorry...


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## Openminded

Not everyone can recover from an affair even though they decide to reconcile.


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## Tdbo

I'm somewhat depressed reading this.
I can only imagine how he feels.
Your affair+job he hates+elevated alcohol consumption+depression+ineffective meds=Disaster.
You haven't said much about the counseling or steps you took to correct the damage after the affair, therefore it probably was a rugsweep and not constructively dealt with.
Where to start? Take a shot in the dark and purchase the book "How to Help your spouse Heal from your affair" by Linda J. McDonald. Read it, learn it, implement it. It's probably too late, but you will never know until you try. I agree that he probably wishes he would have bailed. It is a long shot, but if you do so sincerely, you might make some crossroads with him.
If you can make some progress, you may be able to talk him into at least following up with his GP regarding his meds. Between you, him and the doctor, you might be able to sell him on counseling. If you do, find someone who specializes in infidelity trauma. Undergo through a vetting process. Make the process credible: 1) find a male therapist and 2) find someone who will hold your feet to the fire. Let the process play out. You might not like the result.
However, if you focus your concern on him and do so in a sincere and remorseful manner, you might stand a chance.
Best of luck.


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