# Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish



## SrACallahansGirl (Sep 23, 2010)

Sorry, I know this is long, but I need to get it out. So my fiance Travis just got home here to Scott AFB, IL outside St. Louis a week and a half ago from a 6 and a half month deployment to Afghanistan. He's a Senior Airman in the Air Force and is a Security Policeman. He's 24 and I'm 22. Ever since he's been back, all he seems to do is want to sleep all the time and he doesn't show any interest in me anymore. He comes home from work and just collapses on the couch like he has no energy left in him. Now he usually doesn't even have the energy to change clothes, he'll just fall asleep on the couch in his BDU uniform for several hours. He normally sleeps in our bed in his boxers, and not on our couch in his BDUs. He doesn't even seem to have the energy to get undressed and changed when he gets home. When I try to wake him up, he just yells at me and tells me to give him a break because he's so drained and had a long day. He tells me the whole time he was in Afghanistan he hardly got any sleep because he was constantly on security patrol duty around the base perimeter or something like that and he wasn't able to sleep very good. Now that he's back home he's been assigned to working guard duty on the Main Gate for the base here. He just complains that he's so mentally and physically drained, wtf? He also is constantly walking around yawning, half asleep, and groggy like he's a zombie or something.

I try asking him about some of the things he saw on his deployment and he just doesn't want to talk about it. He said a lot of it was classified and he was told by his commanders that he could get in trouble or even court-martialled if he discussed some of the things that his squadron did there. But I'm his fiance, I don't get why cant tell me things. I mean its not like he's in the Army or the Marines and saw a lot of combat, like I said, he's just a Security Policeman in the Air Force, it's not like they see a lot of combat anyway right? I don't get what could be so secretive about that. I just don't understand why he doesn't seem interested in me or anything else, he just wants to sleep all the time and complain that he's tired.

I love him to death, we've been together for 3 years and we've got a lot of history together, but ever since he got back he's changed. I just wish he'd be the way he was before the deployment and show some interest in me and act like a nice guy again instead of being so fatigued and touchy about everything. Sometimes when I talked to him on the phone when he was there, he sounded like he was getting choked up and just wanted to cry, I could hear it in his voice. That broke me apart. I understand he needs time to readjust, but we've been apart for 6 and a half months. He could have the decency to at least give me some intimate attention. That isn't too much to ask for. I don't like it when he is too tired to be intimate with me. He's been home for nearly 2 weeks now, he should be fully rested by now. I want my Airman back the way he used to be before this deployment, I don't like how its changed him.

I do love him, and I understand he's fatigued. I just think he could at least be a little more friendlier and intimate with me right now. He's a really good, caring guy. The way he is now is not like his normal self. He was always so physically and mentally active before this deployment. He was at Bagram when he was in Afghanistan. They were doing extremely long shifts 7 days a week. How would you react if your fiance / husband came home from work, and just collapsed on the couch, not even changing out of his uniform, and fell asleep for several hours from the moment he got home until really into the night? My mom suggested maybe I just maybe pull his combat boots off at least, put a blanket over him on the couch and just lay there and snuggle with him and just be thankful I can hear him breathing and his heart beating since he came back alive. I don't see what that's going to do when he's asleep though. He's been home now for nearly 2 weeks, and its getting old now. I'm sick of seeing him constantly looking like a half asleep zombie. I mean this is a guy I intend to spend the rest of my life with and I love him so much, but am I possibly being too selfish and unsympathetic towards him after what he's been through? I'm so frustrated by it all. I just want him to be like he was before he went to Afghanistan.
-Vanessa


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that he CAN be like he was before he went to Afghanistan. Imagine that the whole time he was gone, you spent all your time helping crack babies in the slums while dodging bullets from drug lords.

Make sure he's getting help from a psychologist. And give him time.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

Agree VEHEMENTLY with Turnera!
I am ex military, and there is just no getting around the fact: guys back from deployment need time to "deprogram". He's in his cave mode right now, and trust me, he will be back. It will take time, but he will come back, as long as he feels that he has a supportive you to come back to.
If he doesn't want to talk, don't make him-it really IS classified and he could get in some deep trouble for telling. And yes, he most likely saw things that just never made it past the censors and onto the news. And please, PLEASE, PLEEEEEAAAAASE don't tell him that he was "just" a security policeman, and that he didn't see combat. You will make him feel that he "wimped out" by being Air Force and that he has no right to be depressed, that he doesn't deserve respect and gratitude. If he senses this attitude from you (he may already), then he will continue resisting and drawing away from you, and he may decide to find someone who won't bust his b***s for being "just" a security policeman.

I was Army, and perhaps the way he is feeling towards you may now be summed up in a bumper sticker we had:
"No one loves a soldier until the enemy is at the gates."

So again, give him time and show him that you are on his side. If he sees that you are willing to do that, he will be back.


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## Helen1965 (Sep 11, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*



SrACallahansGirl said:


> My mom suggested maybe I just maybe pull his combat boots off at least, put a blanket over him on the couch and just lay there and snuggle with him and just be thankful I can hear him breathing and his heart beating since he came back alive. I don't see what that's going to do when he's asleep though.


I could not agree more with your Mom. Help him out with those heavy combat boots of his, I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would be trying to sleep in those. Plus you don't want your couch ruined do you? Lay there next to him and cuddle up to your Airman honey. He needs you more than ever now. He is still adjusting to being back home. His heartbeat and you hearing him breathe are the greatest things he can give you right now, because he made it back in one piece, maybe not mentally, but physically. There are many military wives/girlfriends/fiances/husbands, etc who do not have the luxury you do of having there partner at home with them alive. Many just have a photograph or a memory to hold on to.

It does not matter if he is asleep, he is home with you. Let him get his sleep. Especially with the shifts you described the Air Force had him doing, and he's straight back at work now on the base, he needs as much sleep as he can get. 

Eventually things will improve, but for now just say not a word, lay there next to him, and just rest your head on his chest and be thankful he is home with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

I've done two tours in Iraq, each a little over a year. It's a different world and it does take time to readjust and feel "normal" again back in the world. Whether you're Marine, Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, or a contractor, you're a target over there. An IED doesn't care what branch you're in or whether your job is killing the enemy or scrubbing coffee pots. 
The best way I can explain this is that over "there" things feel "real". Just driving from one place to another means cheating death. You're always scanning, always listening, always very aware of what's going on around you. You get back to the world and nobody back here seems interested in anything you consider important. You go from being 100% alert to 99% B.S., listening to people talk about Lindsey Lohan, who's going to win Top Chef, who gets the best gas mileage, etc. While other people text each other and listen to their Ipod in their car, you scan the roadside for IEDs and feel like an idiot for doing so. While everyone else "oohs and aahs" during 4th of July fireworks, your heart is racing and you're looking for something to dive under. I've been back over a year and thought everything was cool. Last week, I was outside helping my wife wash one of our dogs. Another dog slid on her frisbee across the driveway. My back was turned and I only heard it. Swear to God, it sounded just like the accelerant of a rocket and I jumped. Felt like a freak. Luckily, it's not my first time to the rodeo and my wife understands I'm not crazy, just a vet.
Guess the point is, we don't come with "on" and "off" switches. He's acting strange because he's been to a strange place and had to adopt strange ways to stay alive. It'll take some time for him to shift gears and start acting "normal" again. He's probably not used to eating without wearing body armor and carrying an M4. Probably not used to really sleeping (that deep sleep civilians take for granted). Even when he slept over there he had to be prepared to haul a%^ at any second, armed, clear-headed, and ready to go.
The Army has programs to help vets adjust and I'm sure the Air Force does, too. Most adjust on their own with a little time. The behavior you describe sounds pretty typical for returning vets. Thanks for his service and to you for your sacrifice. We're not always easy to love or understand. In many ways, I think military spouses have it harder than we do.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*



unbelievable said:


> I've done two tours in Iraq, each a little over a year. It's a different world and it does take time to readjust and feel "normal" again back in the world. Whether you're Marine, Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, or a contractor, you're a target over there. An IED doesn't care what branch you're in or whether your job is killing the enemy or scrubbing coffee pots.
> The best way I can explain this is that over "there" things feel "real". Just driving from one place to another means cheating death. You're always scanning, always listening, always very aware of what's going on around you. You get back to the world and nobody back here seems interested in anything you consider important. You go from being 100% alert to 99% B.S., listening to people talk about Lindsey Lohan, who's going to win Top Chef, who gets the best gas mileage, etc. While other people text each other and listen to their Ipod in their car, you scan the roadside for IEDs and feel like an idiot for doing so. While everyone else "oohs and aahs" during 4th of July fireworks, your heart is racing and you're looking for something to dive under. I've been back over a year and thought everything was cool. Last week, I was outside helping my wife wash one of our dogs. Another dog slid on her frisbee across the driveway. My back was turned and I only heard it. Swear to God, it sounded just like the accelerant of a rocket and I jumped. Felt like a freak. Luckily, it's not my first time to the rodeo and my wife understands I'm not crazy, just a vet.
> Guess the point is, we don't come with "on" and "off" switches. He's acting strange because he's been to a strange place and had to adopt strange ways to stay alive. It'll take some time for him to shift gears and start acting "normal" again. He's probably not used to eating without wearing body armor and carrying an M4. Probably not used to really sleeping (that deep sleep civilians take for granted). Even when he slept over there he had to be prepared to haul a%^ at any second, armed, clear-headed, and ready to go.
> The Army has programs to help vets adjust and I'm sure the Air Force does, too. Most adjust on their own with a little time. The behavior you describe sounds pretty typical for returning vets. Thanks for his service and to you for your sacrifice. We're not always easy to love or understand. In many ways, I think military spouses have it harder than we do.


Unbelievable,
Can you point SrACallahansGirl to some information sources? I’m thinking things like support groups for Vets wives, PTSD, emotional trauma for Vets, what to expect when a Vet returns home etc.

Cheers

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

SrACallahansGirl,
You may not know it but you are in need of support right now. You’re in a situation you haven’t been in before and struggling to come to terms with it. Your husband has returned somewhat a changed man and you were expecting him to just shrug his shoulders about his experiences and carry on with life as normal.

It’s not like that, is it?

What you are doing, the way you are currently handling the situation is to minimise and trash what he’s been through. That’s not the way to go if you want “your husband” back.

So please seek out help. Seek out a support group for Vet’s wives and seek out information about how best to help and support your husband. He needs you to be supportive now. The very worse thing you could do is minimise and trash what he’s been through. Believe me it will make things 10 times worse for him and he may never forgive you.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

Real Warriors: Resilience, Recovery, Reintegration
National Center for PTSD Home
Vet Centers at Real Warriors

She should also talk to the administrator at his unit or his chaplain. The Army has a variety of reintegration programs, including really nice weekend retreats (at nice resorts) for returning soldiers and their families. These are free to the soldier and include seminars both can attend to help smooth over the weirdness of redeployment. (Hey, who else is going to pay you to take your wife to a $200 a night resort?) I haven't been, but many of my soldiers have and they had a ball. Anyway, we've been at this Afghanistan thing for over 9 years and all branches have lots of experience dealing with redeployment family issues.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

Yes, you are being selfish. The guy needs to see a doctor - both medical practitioner and psychiatrist - but you are too busy being selfish and making his problems all about you to recognize he is the one who needs help and advice.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

What these people before me have been saying is right on the money. I have many, many friends who have gone "to the sandbox" and even if you don't see front line combat, you come back changed....for a while. 

Here is a link the VA put together for Veterans and the General Public about all kinds of topics: coming home from war...women's issues...what is PTSD...you name it! It might be a little helpful for you if you read this particular page on "Returning from War" It's got info for the folks coming home and for the folks at home who have been waiting. 

Here's what I have seen myself, and bear in mind I am not a veteran. I know for a fact that while the folks are deployed, they are LUCKY if they get 4 hours sleep a night...and they sleep often in their clothes, lay down in the sand, use a rock under their head. Even on a base as a security guy, there are people constantly coming and going, freaking out, emergencies, and if they are called they sometimes have to go for days and days on end with no sleep. It's not like us here at home in the USA, where we work and then get to go to bed every night. So when he says he's exhausted, he's probably not exaggerating at all. 

I can also speak from experience when I say that there are things that occur over there that truly can not be spoken of again. The fact is that, even on a base, there are things your finance has seen that are very painful--possibly seen men die, had their blood on his hands, lost men he considered friends, and maybe had to kill someone himself. He may have had to make the split second decision to kill or never be able to return home to you. Those are things that people see happen over and over when they're deployed, and no matter how tough they are...it hurts them in ways that we over here can not really imagine and that they really can not seek "help" for or they could be considered unable to continue and be discharged. In addition to just being too painful to remember, he took an oath to uphold certain promises, and one of those promises is that some things are classified. That truly and honestly means that unless they are unclassified he seriously can not tell you--even if he wants to! Those things that he knows, he is not allowed to tell and will take them to his grave, and it's no disrespect to you. He is honoring his promise to never tell a living soul what he saw or heard that day. 

Finally, I leave you with a story. I personally know a man who grew up next door to a beautiful, long-haired girl. They knew each other their whole life, and he loved her for his whole life. When she was 18yo he asked her dad for her hand, and her dad said he approved if he could support her. So he enlisted and became a career military man. He eventually achieved a decent rank but loved serving with "his men," and I can tell you, no one loved his wife and was as faithful and true as he was. He was smart, funny, a kidder, and focused on one thing--getting through his deployment to get home to his girl! He went through 3 deployments, and while he was gone, she had a baby boy, and then beautiful girls. On his the last deployment, his squad was called to clear out a house that was suspicious. They had no reason to believe it was anything other than an empty house, but they went, and they were ambushed. He was shot in the head --but he did not die. He wanted to live long enough to get home to his girl! So they flew him home, and he lived ... for four months. After he died, we were pretty sure his girl would die too for grief, and boy I'll tell ya she struggled because it's hard to see the man you love with a big hole where the back of his head should be...but she was doing about as good as you might expect. Then one night something occurred that was just ... to be honest I can't say. Let's just say it was AWFUL. She committed suicide after that; it was too much for her to bear. And now her kids have lost their mom, lost their dad, and they are too young to understand why or what happened. 

So yeah...take off his boots, cover him with a blanket, and if you believe, *THANK GOD* that he came home to you in any kind of okay shape. You are so blessed you have no idea.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

fwiw, thanks to all of you posting who have served.


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## SrACallahansGirl (Sep 23, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

Thank you all for the support. I don't think honestly that my fiance has PTSD, if he does, I have yet to know. It's weird because when he got off the plane at the base, as soon as he saw me, he just grabbed me, hugged me for what must of been the longest hug I've ever received in my life, and he held onto me like it was the last time he was ever going to see me in his life. Then he just lost it and broke down in public in tears crying on my shoulder and said there wasn't a day that went by wear he didn't stop thinking about me. But in the car as I was driving him home, he just was kind of in a trance and just stared into space. It's just he keeps sleeping constantly, so I hope he will be back to a normal sleeping habit soon once he's recuperated. I understand it takes time. 

The other thing is we've only had sex 2 times in the last 2 weeks he's been home. I know that might be a little too detailed, but he just seemed too tired to get into the mood, and he just seems to have no energy for that either. Is this considered normal to even be too tired for sex? 

Oh, and, you a Unbelievable, you are are right, Travis told me he had to sleep every night with an M-4 at his bed side within arms reach, and he had to adjust to eating MRE's with body armor on. He said it took awhile to get used to. Thank you for the support guys, and sorry if I give the impression that I sound selfish. I love him more than anything, we've dated since Freshman year of high school, and he's now 24 and I'm 22. I worry so much about him.
-Much love, Vanessa


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Fiance back from Afghanistan & shows no interest in me, just sleeps. Am I selfish*

Vanessa, You aren't selfish. War is basically insanity and you aren't from that world. Peace is your reality. Danger and insanity are his realities. If you were dropped onto the surface of mars, you would experience some changes. When you got back home, you'd experience changes again. Folks who knew and loved the "old" you would find your behavior strange and maybe frightening. His body is home but it might take a little longer for his mind and soul to catch up. Less than 2% of Americans nowadays know what it means to believe in something strongly enough to kill or die for it. As weird as he seems to you right now, he's a rare find. You may not believe he has PTSD, but honestly, neither you or I are qualified to make that judgment. It doesn't only hit the hooah hooah guys who kick in doors and are often under fire. Most of the people who have been diagnosed with it are from the support ranks. Having had my little taste of it, I would be amazed if a normal person could go there and come back without any psychological scars of having gone through the experience.


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