# Is it wrong to want a lower libido?



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I find myself asking this question because I don't really know what else I can do. I've tried everything else, but the bottom line is my wife, despite her claims of being "more sexual than I realize," is happy with our sex life. I am not, and she knows this, but she doesn't seem to care.

So I'm going to be starting a medication in two days, and though sexual side effects are rare, I find myself hoping that it will lower my libido. Not as a way of "punishing" my wife, but just so that my libido would match hers.

Has anyone with the higher drive ever successfully lowered their libido to match their partner? If so, how did it work out? Am I grasping at straws?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Castration is always an option.
I actually read about it. People have actually done this to lower their libido.
"Hey look honey, I have no balls" 

No, don't do that. Talk about crazy.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

What medication? If it's an SSRI, don't take it for the sole purpose of lowering your libido.

I had similar hopes when I started my SSRI, but what I found out was that a lot of our relationship problems (not all) had ties to my depressed behavior, and that improving my mental state did two things--it improved our overall dynamic, and also helped me see that a lot of the rejections (again, not all) were self-caused.

My libido took a small hit, but not much. If I were in the same frame of mind and were only taking it to lower my libido, I would have been disappointed.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> What medication? If it's an SSRI, don't take it for the sole purpose of lowering your libido.
> 
> I had similar hopes when I started my SSRI, but what I found out was that a lot of our relationship problems (not all) had ties to my depressed behavior, and that improving my mental state did two things--it improved our overall dynamic, and also helped me see that a lot of the rejections (again, not all) were self-caused.
> 
> My libido took a small hit, but not much. If I were in the same frame of mind and were only taking it to lower my libido, I would have been disappointed.


SSRI actually INCREASED mine, substantially. Go figure.
Narcotics of any kind will kill libido. That I know.
I had horrible back problems and was popping narcos. The last thing I wanted was sex.
Thankfully, that's over.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Seppuku said:


> I find myself asking this question because I don't really know what else I can do. I've tried everything else, ...


Obviously, you haven't tried divorce for some reason. I did, and while it didn't lower my libido, allowed me to satisfy it elsewhere.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Yes


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Here's something else to consider before taking that step. Are you just missing the sex, or are you missing the emotional connection that comes with the sex? If it's the latter, then lowering your libido will not result in a happier marriage. 

You'll just be removing your desire for the thing that brings you emotionally closer to your spouse. With no path to that connection left, how are you going to get your emotional needs met? How are you going to deal with lingering resentments? How are you going to move past the knowledge that you had to resort to medicating yourself just to survive in a marriage, and the NEW resentments that may well bring?

Killing your drive will only do that. It won't fix what's wrong in your marriage.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Here's something else to consider before taking that step. Are you just missing the sex, or are you missing the emotional connection that comes with the sex? If it's the latter, then lowering your libido will not result in a happier marriage.
> 
> You'll just be removing your desire for the thing that brings you emotionally closer to your spouse. With no path to that connection left, how are you going to get your emotional needs met? How are you going to deal with lingering resentments? How are you going to move past the knowledge that you had to resort to medicating yourself just to survive in a marriage, and the NEW resentments that may well bring?
> 
> Killing your drive will only do that. It won't fix what's wrong in your marriage.


That's a very good point. 

I told my wife a few months ago that I don't just need the physical aspect of sex. I need the connection. It's like a drug! Quickies don't do it for me any more if we don't have meaningful sex mixed in with the quickies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to hittin' it the shower before work, but I can't live on those alone.

I was on SSRI's for PE for about 2 months and it made my sex drive go UP. My ability to have sex for as long as I wanted, for the first time in my life, made me want to have sex all the time. I felt like a porn star, minus the large tool.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> Here's something else to consider before taking that step. Are you just missing the sex, or are you missing the emotional connection that comes with the sex? If it's the latter, then lowering your libido will not result in a happier marriage.
> 
> You'll just be removing your desire for the thing that brings you emotionally closer to your spouse. With no path to that connection left, how are you going to get your emotional needs met? How are you going to deal with lingering resentments? How are you going to move past the knowledge that you had to resort to medicating yourself just to survive in a marriage, and the NEW resentments that may well bring?
> 
> Killing your drive will only do that. It won't fix what's wrong in your marriage.


It's not an SSRI, and I'm not taking it for anything related to libido. It is specifically listed as not having any sexual side effects actually, but I guess I can hope.

We do connect emotionally on many levels - in fact, lately there seems to be a distinct lack of connection during sex.

The problem for me is that I just feel horny all the time, and she is almost never in the mood, regardless of my approach. She likes to cuddle, and for the most part it's a kind of torture for me because any, and I mean any, physical touch from her garners a bodily reaction that I'd rather do without at this point. If she brushes up against me I can feel the blood flow change. Forget about it if her foot touches mine in bed.

A short time ago I came to bed completely naked for 10 days straight, and she didn't touch me once. I don't mean sexual touch, I mean touch at all, even if I was cuddled up to her. I tried setting the mood with lighting and music, massaging her, kissing her body gently, being forceful and "taking" her, and each time I was repudiated.

I'm not sure that I would take a drug specifically to lower my libido, but right now I would kind of be happy if that were a side effect. If my libido goes up, I think I'll truly go crazy.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> ...So I'm going to be starting a medication in two days, and though sexual side effects are rare, I find myself hoping that it will lower my libido. Not as a way of "punishing" my wife, but just so that my libido would match hers.
> 
> Has anyone with the higher drive ever successfully lowered their libido to match their partner? If so, how did it work out? Am I grasping at straws?





Seppuku said:


> ...We do connect emotionally on many levels - in fact, lately there seems to be a distinct lack of connection during sex.
> 
> ... She likes to cuddle, and for the most part it's a kind of torture for me because any, and I mean any, physical touch from her garners a bodily reaction that I'd rather do without at this point.
> 
> ...


At the worst of my Sex Starved Marriage, I thought about this. I also thought about chastity games with my wife and other things. But the point at that time was my wife was angry at me and didn't want to please me at all. So lowering my libido would have just made what little we had more liveable.

Ultimately, I decided I wanted to try to fix the root problem and not cover over the symptoms. Masking your libido with drugs, either perscription or other is not a real solution to a real problem. 

I urge you to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. Tell her how you want to feel more connected to her. But also work on you, your codepence on your wife for your happiness and above all your self image of as a man.

good luck


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> I urge you to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. Tell her how you want to feel more connected to her. But also work on you, your codepence on your wife for your happiness and above all your self image of as a man.
> 
> good luck


I have done all this, multiple times. The gist of what I get is that she is happy with our sex life - I contend that just because she is happy doesn't mean that I am happy, but she minimizes my feelings and feels that I'm "making a big deal out of nothing."

I don't want to make her out to be some kind of sex-hating monster; when she is turned on, there is almost nothing that can turn her off. it's just that this happens so infrequently that when it does happen, I feel like things will finally change, and this time will be different. But nope, the libido goes up and down when it wants, and it's unpredictable.

Sometimes I get to the point where I can't focus, so I will ask for a HJ or something, and she does do it.

But also, when we do have sex lately (past two months or so) she hasn't had an orgasm. I want to take my time and please her, but she just wants me to orgasm. She says it's because she just wants to please me, and while I understand the sentiment, I want to please her too. When she does that, it makes me feel like she just wants me to hurry up, like it's a chore and she just wants me to finish. 

I wouldn't say that I am dependent on my wife for happiness. I do feel unhappy because of the situation, but I have plenty of happiness in my life. I just want her to want me, and lately it doesn't feel like she does. It was great for a while, but I'm starting to feel like I did in years past when I was pretty much denied 95% of the time.

Reading this back I can see how it sounds; it's hard to convey the complexities and dynamics of a relationship without painting the other person in a bad light, and I'm not doing such a good job. She has a stressful job and we have a stressful life, that factors in as well. I'm able to turn it off and put the stress to the side, she isn't so good at it, so for the most part I start by trying to take her mind off of her job, and whatever else is going on.

I start my medication in two days, so hopefully that will help me gain some perspective. Because getting one half-hearted HJ in the past 2.5 weeks is friggin depressing.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hit the gym. Get into fabulous shape.

Push yourself at work. Earn a raise.

Do not accept pity sex if there are no hot mutually satisfying sessions in between. Tell her you would rather masturbate than be serviced unenthusiastically.

If she is still happy with your sex life, despite lack of frequency, you will have a difficult decision to make. But you will be better positioned to handle it successfully no matter what you decide.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> I have done all this, multiple times. The gist of what I get is that she is happy with our sex life
> 
> ..I don't want to make her out to be some kind of sex-hating monster;
> 
> ...


I really think that I can understand your pain. I didn't mean to minimize it or the complexity of your situation.

Pleasing my wife sexually gives me great pleasure and feelings of pride as a husband and man. 

On the other hand, I needed to learn that my wife has a different level of sexual need than i do. I had to learn that she feels as strongly about pleasuring me as I do her. For me to withdraw sexually is to deny her that pleasure. I had to learn that sometimes she really wants to give me the gift of her body, feel that she is capable of arousing me and hold me while I climax in her arms. It is not greedy or wrong to indulge your wife's desire to please you.

Be greatful for your HJ, for a long time my wife would not touch me anywhere or have any sex with me. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me, but it was her anger at me. You don't seem to have a wife that is angry at you, as an HJ is better than nothing, she just sounds LD. 

Congratulations on helping her deal with her stess. That is a wonderful gift to her.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you. medication or not.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

What a sad question. Are you sure you want to stay in this marriage? It might be better to find someone that matches your sex drive more. Shame on her for minimizing your feelings. It is a big deal for you and she should care about how you feel.

Switch things around, she enjoys cuddling, what if you rejected her every night when she wanted to cuddle. How would that make her feel, probably the same as you feel when she rejects you sexually. Then when she brings it up tell her "Why are you making such a big deal about it?" She is not going to change, you are giving her what she wants and is content so there is no reason for her to change.


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