# Triggers...



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Is there anything I can do to help my H with the triggers? Besides understanding him and reassuring him? I know that my H suffers from everything I did everyday. I try to be here for him as much as I can be, but since we are separated its hard. I was just wondering if there was anything that any of you did or your WS did for you that made the triggers less painful?


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Ensure he knows that he can count on you for reassurance, not blaming, not guilt over your A.

That he can contact you any time, night or day if he needs reassurance or has a question about what happened.

Ensure you have been FULLY truthful to his satisfaction. No trickle-truth.

Ensure that all contact has stopped and you are FULLY TRANSPARENT (passwords to everything, in case he is so inclined to check on you). Don't worry, it will eventually pass once his trust is rebuilt. It will however be a long road filled with the potholes of triggers along the way. You are the AAA there to help him if he gets stuck in one.

Support. Love. Be Patient. BE REMORSEFUL. It will wear you down. That is when you need to be most aware of his feelings. Remember who's at fault here. It is not him, regardless of his past actions, you chose to do what you did.

Good luck. Hang in there!


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Well, there are certain things will will trigger ever time. The Date the A was discovered, the anniversary of D Day, wedding anniversary. These will trigger the BS for years to come. I would put forth the best defense is a good offense. 

In your case, he will always think about the A on these dates. You need to remember that and plan on how to deal with it. He knows it will trigger, you know it will trigger so put a plan together to alter the trigger. You can't stop it from happening but you can alter how the trigger plays out. Do something to make that date something between you 2, rather than his trigger. Make him a new memory for those dates. Dp something to help distract the focus of the day being on past events.

How you go about that it on your shoulders. He is your husband, you know him better than anyone. So put that knowledge to use. Also involve HIM in the process before hand. Communicate what you plan, why you are plannign it and get his feedback. Like so many other situations, communication is the key.

As time goes on, a plan like this will help with the triggers, but will never remove them. 

Just my $.02, for what it's worth.

Q~


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, Wings. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him with the triggers. He'll never forget it. I know some peole have an easier time dealing with infidelity than others but it's my firm belief that the person on the receiving end of cheating will trigger til the day they die. I think Mori is the one who said "Some never recover from infidelity." I think that's very true. It leaves a scar that never goes away.

For me, there has not been a day I since learned of the infidelity that I haven't thought about it --several times a day. 

And I am divorced.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Wings,

I actually began to see the moments (triggers) begin to become less and less frequent when I noticed that the pain inside of me resided in my wife as well.

I know this sounds strange, being as emotional connection isn't something that can be touched or seen...it's hard to explain.

Yet, when I knew...when I was able to look into her eyes and see the pain within her... was the same as mine. The "triggers" became less and less...until one day they were no more.

Are you separated by choice right now?


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I am here for him, I am available at all hours for him. We talk everyday, just seems that nothing I say to him makes it better. I either make him more upset and he just wants to end the marriage. Its me that triggers him. He looks at me and he triggers. So I guess I don't see how I can help him after all. I guess I can wear a bag over my head... Its the lies I told too. They trigger him. I am being open and honest with him. I'm trying to be. I was so messed up some of the things that he has told me I did, I don't remember. I don't remember a ton of things. He thinks I've had a PA with the OMs, when I know I didn't. But because of the the lies, the deceit, the secrecy and that this girl who used to be a friend of ours says I had a PA. No matter what I try to say or remember it makes everything worse. 

anyway kinda went away from the subject.. 
thanks everyone for your input I really appreciate it..
@GM We are separated. He wanted me out.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The only way you can help him with the triggers at all, is to be with him, and hold him, and love him, unfortunately it seems, as if he doesn't want that from you

If you are saying there was no PA, which still doesn't relieve you of the EA,'s or inappropriate behavior, but if you wanna prove there was no PA, which might help somewhat, offer to take a Poly---go to your closest police station, and they will give you info, and who good poly operaters are---possibly that might help


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

A poly might be a good step, i don't know. The problem is that we have no way of judging the true damage done. 

This is the unfortunate reality of reaping what was sown. There are times where it was just too much, for too long and the BS just checks out. 

It is admirable you want to continue to work for the better, and I wish you luck as you seem to be sincere and remorseful, however i'm not the one that needs to believe that. 

Q~


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The lying is definitely worse than the cheating. 

It's the deceit that cuts like a knife.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wingsoflove;425651. Its me that triggers him. He looks at me and he triggers. So I guess I don't see how I can help him after all. I guess I can wear a bag over my head... Its the lies I told too. They trigger him. .[/QUOTE said:


> Bingo. Karma bus came back at you full steam.
> 
> Wings, I've read both your threads and threads posted by your H. EAs are awful enough, even more cruel when you did it with his "friends" and humiliated him even more.
> 
> ...


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Triggers can stick around for awhile. I'm about a yr in and they still sneak up and knock me down. Sometimes it's just something as simple as what was said. Then I start thinking if the OM got to hear the same thing. Can't look at her when they come. His triggers are your cross to bear for the moment.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> thanks everyone for your input I really appreciate it..
> @GM We are separated. He wanted me out.



Wings,

Patients is key here. He has a lot to work through in his mind. If I remember correctly this is still pretty recent? Like in the last 6 months?

It might take quite a long time before he's able to come to terms with the whole ordeal. Try not to push him.

Separation might be his only path to healing.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your replys. It's just that I haven't fully been trueful with you all. It's been a year since my husband confronted me. A year... And I was still lying to him. I am a horrible person. Today I finally told him that one of the OMs and I made out, I had a crush on this other man, even when I still loved my husband. I know you all have been here giving me advice and telling me honestly what I should do in my situation. When I've held back a huge detail. I want to apologize to everyone on this forum. For not being fully open and honest, and taking advice from you when you didn't know the whole story. I am sorry. To my husband I know I can not do anything or say anything to make things better. I'm glad I finally told you, I'm sorry any of this happened and I should've told you in the first place. I pray you find happiness, you deserve that more than anything. I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me for treating you so horribly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Well, don't I feel like an idiot for thinking you were genuinely remorseful just a few posts ago. Did your H catch you in another lie and you got caught or did the OM tell your H?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> Well, don't I feel like an idiot for thinking you were genuinely remorseful just a few posts ago. Did your H catch you in another lie and you got caught or did the OM tell your H?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I finally just told him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> Thanks everyone for your replys. It's just that I haven't fully been trueful with you all. It's been a year since my husband confronted me. A year... And I was still lying to him. I am a horrible person. Today I finally told him that one of the OMs and I made out, I had a crush on this other man, even when I still loved my husband. I know you all have been here giving me advice and telling me honestly what I should do in my situation. When I've held back a huge detail. I want to apologize to everyone on this forum. For not being fully open and honest, and taking advice from you when you didn't know the whole story. I am sorry. To my husband I know I can not do anything or say anything to make things better. I'm glad I finally told you, I'm sorry any of this happened and I should've told you in the first place. I pray you find happiness, you deserve that more than anything. I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me for treating you so horribly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You don't need to apologize to us. Just to him. I believe this will be a death blow to your relationship. Not because of the activity, because of the trickle truth. You had promised him you had come totally clean a while back. Everything should have come out at that point. Now, he will have to wonder again how much more is going to come out. Is this really the whole truth? That question will be in his head even more now than it was yesterday. Ok, you made out with one. What about the others? More than once? How much? Pandora's box is opened. You do seem to be remorseful. I'm not trying to beat you up, but I want you to know what is likely going through his mind. The trickle truth is probably the worst part of all. Because it leaves behind that nagging feeling that more is to come. I'm sorry for both of you. I wish you both the best of luck.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> He thinks I've had a PA with the OMs, when I know I didn't. But because of the the lies, the deceit, the secrecy and that this girl who used to be a friend of ours says I had a PA.





Wingsoflove said:


> Today I finally told him that one of the OMs and I made out, I had a crush on this other man, even when I still loved my husband.



Wingsoflove, you know I have paid a lot of attention to your posts. At first, I thought you may have been my wife. A lot of the things you said fit. I'm just curious. What happened between these two posts? It was just a matter of a few hours. Was it the definition of a PA? You didn't believe "making out" was a PA if you didn't "go all the way"? I understand if you don't want to tell us. I would just like to know if you would be willing to share.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

What happened is yesterday while I was at work I was looking over the phone bill and back on Oct 26 2010, she called me up crying and saying that our friend had confronted her about everything and was saying that she heard that my wife had sex with 2 of the OM though at the time my wife only told me about 1 of the OM because the other one was our roommate. Anyways I paid more attention to all the calls from a few days before and after the 26th only to notice that she had a 3-way conference call on the 27th so I asked her if she had a 3-way call with OM1 and OM2, she said yes.

I told her I couldn't take it anymore, that she had better start telling the truth and telling me things right now. She asked if she should come over and I said sure. When she got to my house I bombarded her with questions and told her just to be truthful with me, I said it over and over and she finally snapped and told me some stuff.

I have a feeling there's a lot more I need to know, and I really do need to know in order to heal because I've been beating myself up over all of this for about a year now. All I ever wanted was the truth. When I had brought up phone bill on Oct 19th, had she just been truthful I could have worked this out, but after all the lies and deceit, I can't.

She has played everyone like a fiddle and everyone has bough everything she has said. All because she didn't want herself to look bad. Since she didn't want to be honest with anyone it has ended up dragging my name through the mud because she told everyone what she wanted them to hear and they believed her.

I only wish she loved me enough to be completely honest with me and tell me everything that happened.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Forsaken, she has clearly been lying. I do believe she did a lot more than make out with the OMs, based on the trickle truth you've gotten. I think you already know this too. Are you sure you want to keep digging? She will only drag it out more, making it even more painful.

Otherwise, are you planning to file, or going to give the situation some time? Either way I'm sorry to hear about what she has continued to do to you, I've followed your posts as much as I could.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm sorry, Forsaken. It's good the truth is starting to come out.

Wings, if you really want him to give you another shot, you MUST TELL HIM EVERYTHING even if it hurts (because yes, the truth does hurt) but the truth will set you both free! No more p-ssyfooting around. Stop being That Woman. That Woman who lies and only tells truth in slow increments. Be honest. If you haven't said everything yet, DO IT NOW. I am with Whip--I'm sure ther eis more to the story(ies) so now is your chance to come clean!!! With every lie you tell or cover up, you are sabotaging yourself (and him). It's totally disrespectful.

Wings--the lying is soo much worse than the actual cheating. So you have had 100 opportunities to be honest so do it finally! Even if you feel ashamed, tell him! I will put it to you this way: each time you lie to him or cover something else or give him just a piece of the truth--to him it feels like you are playing him for a fool! Stop doing that to him! He is your husband and deserves the truth! It is the least you can do for him after everything. It will also help you heal! No more lies! If you can't be honest with him, then you have no chance at truly reconciling. Withholding the truth will just do more damage. You are lucky he even invited you over last night for an opportunity to explain. A lot of men would never speak to you again & would have served you with divorce papers and called out your adultery in the paperwork for the world to see via public records and have never spoken to you again. Put all your cards on the table.

I am sending a big hug to both of you guys!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am sending a big hug to both of you guys!


Me, too.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> What happened is yesterday while I was at work I was looking over the phone bill and back on Oct 26 2010, she called me up crying and saying that our friend had confronted her about everything and was saying that she heard that my wife had sex with 2 of the OM though at the time my wife only told me about 1 of the OM because the other one was our roommate. Anyways I paid more attention to all the calls from a few days before and after the 26th only to notice that she had a 3-way conference call on the 27th so I asked her if she had a 3-way call with OM1 and OM2, she said yes.
> 
> I told her I couldn't take it anymore, that she had better start telling the truth and telling me things right now. She asked if she should come over and I said sure. When she got to my house I bombarded her with questions and told her just to be truthful with me, I said it over and over and she finally snapped and told me some stuff.
> 
> ...


Wow. 

Wow. 

My best wishes and thoughts are with you, Forsaken.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

i almost responded a week ago asking you to forgive the poor woman already. i am so glad i didn't. this woman is not only a liar, she is good at it. she has had too many chances, and must crash and burn before she may change. i don't understand, you cheated on this poor man, with his friends, and all he wanted was the truth and you shat on him again and again. even if you did tell the truth now it would be meaningless because all trust is gone and that truth would just be taken as more lies. you really screwed your life up good now. congratulations, no more tears this mess is your own doing.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I'm sorry, Forsaken. It's good the truth is starting to come out.
> 
> Wings, if you really want him to give you another shot, you MUST TELL HIM EVERYTHING even if it hurts (because yes, the truth does hurt) but the truth will set you both free! No more p-ssyfooting around. Stop being That Woman. That Woman who lies and only tells truth in slow increments. Be honest. If you haven't said everything yet, DO IT NOW. I am with Whip--I'm sure ther eis more to the story(ies) so now is your chance to come clean!!! With every lie you tell or cover up, you are sabotaging yourself (and him). It's totally disrespectful.
> 
> ...


^^^ I agree. Telling the truth is do painful. And fear of hurting someone you are deeply attached to is awful! But Jellybeans is right the truth does set you free. And then you can begin to build again if you both want to. We are all human and few people are inherently bad but good people can do bad things. I believe it's possible to be a better person and learn. Nothing need be in vain and as they say "this too shall pass". its frightening but your story can be told in just twenty minutes or so and it will all be in the open. Then you can start working on what is left. People handle incredible things in a lifetime and worse than this so although it's frightening, sometimes it's good to face fear. Good luck 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

It will be interesting to see if she comes back here again. 

I'm not directly accusing of this but it never, EVER, crossed my mind that someone could join here and use it to manipulate a Significant Other (SO) and all the forum supporters who have built up a rapport with the SO in an attempt to divert attention and possibly play us against that SO. If that indeed has happened, I am no way near as experienced and wise as I foolishly led myself to believe.



Q~


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I sort of saw it like maybe she found out he was on TAM and saw his posts and then when he gave her the last chance to come clean and she still lied then she started posting to garner sympathy/'splain her side of the story so we'd be empathetic and to talk him into staying w/ her and/or using the boards as a means to communicate w/ him with all of us as the referees, counselors. Like maybe she thought she could get enough people sorry for her that he'd take her back or want to listen to her more or give her another out...I can't articulate what I'm trying to say but you get the jist of what I'm saying, right? Apparently she lied again, to us and to him. 

It's weird watching it in real time.

Oh well. I could be wrong. But who knows.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I was going to use her as an example today on a different thread as an example of what a remorseful spouse looks like. I couldn't remember her name off the top of my head and just used "another poster". I was convinced she was for real.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

She lied to her H for almost a year. Why would you think she wouldn't lie to strangers on an anonymous forum? 

I admit, I felt bad for her too. Every chance she's had to come clean and she still lied. Self-protect mode does not go over well when the truth NEEDS to be told.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Be loving, supportive, understanding and give some TLC. That always works when something triggersme.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well I sort of saw it like maybe she found out he was on TAM and saw his posts and then when he gave her the last chance to come clean and she still lied then she started posting to garner sympathy/'splain her side of the story so we'd be empathetic and to talk him into staying w/ her and/or using the boards as a means to communicate w/ him with all of us as the referees, counselors. Like maybe she thought she could get enough people sorry for her that he'd take her back or want to listen to her more or give her another out...I can't articulate what I'm trying to say but you get the jist of what I'm saying, right? Apparently she lied again, to us and to him.
> 
> It's weird watching it in real time.
> 
> Oh well. I could be wrong. But who knows.


I get what you are saying. 

I was actually starting to feel bad about not believing any of the stuff she was saying originally. 

Like I said previously, my best wishes are with Forsaken. Whatever on the rest of it.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Lyn said:


> Be loving, supportive, understanding and give some TLC. That always works when something triggersme.


Lyn, that can work when the cheating spouse is remorseful, honest, and transparent. Unfortunately, the original poster Wingsoflove has continued lying to Forsaken throughout all of her posts here. And to everyone that responded to her, trying to help her. 

She claims she made out with one of the OMs - which will come out to in a few posts (if she returns) "we fooled around.." then "we had sex..."

I bit in hook, line, and sinker. Forsaken, my heart goes out to ya bud. Once you end this marriage (should you choose), I hope you get some counseling for yourself, help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and eventually a future Mrs. Forsaken that will be true to you.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Whip Morgan said:


> Lyn, that can work when the cheating spouse is remorseful, honest, and transparent. Unfortunately, the original poster Wingsoflove has continued lying to Forsaken throughout all of her posts here. And to everyone that responded to her, trying to help her.
> 
> She claims she made out with one of the OMs - which will come out to in a few posts (if she returns) "we fooled around.." then "we had sex..."
> 
> I bit in hook, line, and sinker. Forsaken, my heart goes out to ya bud. Once you end this marriage (should you choose), I hope you get some counseling for yourself, help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and eventually a future Mrs. Forsaken that will be true to you.


:iagree:

Yep, I am equally guilty. Again, like so many betrayed spouses, I for one have a tendency to give the benefit of the doubt. And as much as many warn of how skilled liars Disloyals are, just goes to show how true that is and how easy it is to fall prey to it. 

Mr Forsaken, I truly wish and hope you find happiness soon my good man.

Q~


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Well MrQuatto, RWB said it simply, and the best. I don't remember the exact words, but...

"Cheaters are by definition liars."

Thats what is boils down to. Of course it was easy for Wingsoflove to lie to us (and continue to do so, no way I'm buying she "only" made out with OMs) when she continues to lie to her own husband.

Ugh. If she does come back, what else can be said? Its beating a dead fuc*king horse: be honest, transparent, blah blah blah. Nothing got through to her. I don't think she is as cruel as Shamwow's wife, but she is still pretty vicious.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I am still here.. I know I lied and I know I lied to my H. I don't deserve him, I've lied for so long thinking I was just protecting him. When in turn I was protecting myself. I hate myself beyond all reason. I know you all have every right to not like me. I really did come here for help, I hadnt come to terms with what I've done with the OM. And to everyone who says they won't believe me if I say I didn't sleep with the OM. Well I didn't!! I know it's hard to believe since I hadn't been fully honest with you all. Even when I was giving advice to others I wasn't taking my own. I was still holding back. I finally told him. Yes it's been a horrible year for him and I hope he finds happiness soon as well. I take full responsibility fOr everything. I hate myself, I'm so sickened by myself. I hope you all will be here for him. He deserves support and he deserves happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wings, I must admit I respect your willingness to come back. Moving on.

Your right, about not being believable. I certainly think you're lying about not havin sex with these guys. And all this talk about how you're a horrible person, you hate yourself. Please stop, for two reasons atleast:
I don't believe that you actually have remorse enough for what you did to feel that way.
Sitting around and repeating this isnt going do anything for you - finding IC can. I remember you said money was a problem, I understand. Can you try speaking to your doctor, see if he can refer you anywhere to get further counseling, under insurance ? Or a religious figure, if you're a believer?

I think your H is done with you(and rightfully so) but you still have a life ahead of you. Get the help you need, it will help get you on a better path in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I know no one will believe ever. But I know I didn't sleep with the OM! I do have remorse, I just couldn't come to terms with myself. Yes I do hate myself I will repeat it. I am going to IC now, I still am going to MC too. I'm a messed up person. I'm not repeating to get sympathy or hoping that saying it will make it all go away. I don't know who I was last year, I've never been that way or even this way. I've always told the truth and then all this happened. Ive been so sick just think about how hurt he is. I wish I could take the pain away. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_[


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I know no one will believe ever. But I know I didn't sleep with the OM! I do have remorse, I just couldn't come to terms with myself. Yes I do hate myself I will repeat it. I am going to IC now, I still am going to MC too. I'm a messed up person. I'm not repeating to get sympathy or hoping that saying it will make it all go away. I don't know who I was last year, I've never been that way or even this way. I've always told the truth and then all this happened. Ive been so sick just think about how hurt he is. I wish I could take the pain away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[




As stated before, take a poly test. If your being honest, it should be a clear cut decision to prove your being honest. If your not being honest, youll make every excuse not to.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

1-12-t1 said:


> As stated before, take a poly test. If your being honest, it should be a clear cut decision to prove your being honest. If your not being honest, youll make every excuse not to.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

That pretty much sums it up for everyone here, WOL, poly test, only way hubby will know the depth of the truth. 

If you really loved him and wanted him to begin to believe you, there is nothing you can say anymore, only 1 action to get you moving in the right direction.

Polygraph - take it


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I disagree


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wings, you really have hurt your own credibility to everyone on this board and especially your H. I don't know if R is in his list of options, but if he is saying its over just let him go. You need to find some peace with yourself somehow if you want to fix yourself. Honesty is always the best first step, complete and utter honesty. And of course IC - you have hurt people, you are not perfect, but you still have to learn to love yourself (just as every single one of us).


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

My H's grandpa does polygraphs. I told my H that I would take one. I read the fail rate on them and on your post ALMOST. I know that he is so done. He somehow keeps hanging in there, that tells you how good of a man he is. He keeps trying to push aside my mistakes. Thank you for being there for him everyone!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> ...He somehow keeps hanging in there, that tells you how good of a man he is. He keeps trying to push aside my mistakes.


It tells you how much he has lost, he is trying to heal, let him.


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