# Wife used to be into a lot, and is now super vanilla. No oral, 69, etc



## bb987 (Nov 13, 2017)

The wife and I were both each other's first sexual partners. Recently, I have noticed many changes in our sex lives, and I am wondering what to do.. I noticed a lot of this after we had a kid, so I would imagine there is some connection. Not sure how to go about these things without damaging our relationship. 

1. When we first got married, we were at it all the time. She was also much more open to different positions and sexual acts - 69, mammary intercourse, blowjobs, getting eaten out, etc. Now, it is basically only missionary, with the occasional doggystyle (which still ends in missionary)

2. From the start, my wife has never liked me finishing in her mouth. Every time she goes down on me (well, when she used to), she would constantly wipe off the tip. I mentioned my desire to finish in her mouth, and she reluctantly agreed a few times, but needless to say, it doesn't get me into it much knowing how much she doesn't like it. 

3. She used to love it when I went down on her, and I loved it too. Now she doesn't let me, claiming that it "is not clean down there". I said we can take showers beforehand but she basically things it is "weird" now. In fact, one time I mentioned how "you used to basically push my head down there to go down on you", she responded "I cannot believe that I would do that". 

4. Sixty nine was great before, because it was the best of both worlds for me (she would let me finish in her mouth only in 69, and I got to go down on her). Haven't done this in years, and I miss it.

5. I will admit, I have gained quite a bit of weight since we got married (30 lbs). She has also put on about 20 lbs since we got married, so we could both lose some weight. 

6. Occasionally we give each other massages, but that is about as adventurous as it gets nowadays. 

I seriously miss our old sex life. Does anyone have any advice?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The best advice anyone can give you about marriage is to communicate. Be honest and talk about it. Own up to the fact that you put on 30 lbs. Tell her you are still attracted to her. Tell her this is something that is important to you. Most of all communicate. Don't attack, don't accuse, don't complain. Entreat. Tell her you miss her, tell her you loved that side of her, tell her you miss that side of her. Go from there.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

As said above - communicate. Talk to your wife (not AT her, ie. no whining, no accusations, don't be negative, etc.).

In any case, this is not atypical. As people age, their tastes sometimes change. When it comes to sex, being less adventurous as we get older isn't out of the ordinary, and doesn't always indicate something is wrong. It may just indicate that she knows what she wants at this point, and what works for her.

True - this can get boring, if one partner still wants adventure and excitement - so this is where communication comes in. Find out why she's no longer interested in the things you used to do with her. Odds are, it's about her and not about you.

FWIW, just reading your one post, I am inclined to think that perhaps your wife might prefer a more loving, romantic sexual experience at this point in her life. I'm not saying that the things you are wanting can't be that, but - 69, finishing in her mouth, breast ****ing, etc. are generally regarded as being straight out of a porn flick, if you know what I mean. You can do all those things (and more) and still have sex be a loving experience, but it depends on your approach and how the two of you view sex in general. My guess, and it's only a guess, is that your wife would rather "make love" than, well, ****.

Ironically enough, I had the opposite problem (which wasn't really a problem!) when I first got together with my now wife. For her, sex wasn't a romantic, emotional, loving thing. It was down and dirty and was about the sex, only. Although I was, and still am, perfectly fine with that, I don't want that every time, either. Nowadays, it's a good hybrid of the two styles, and occasionally it's slow and romantic, or just purely physical when we both want it like that.

In a nutshell, wanting variety in your sex life doesn't just mean different positions. I strongly suspect your wife would like a different type of variety - one that's not simply about getting off.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Communicate with her and tell her just how much the loving consensual sex acts with her of the past absolutely means to you!

But be sure, without equivocation, to hear her feelings out all at the same time!*


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

She actually is "communicating" to you.

Emotionally and sexually... That she is that into you for whatever reason.

She used to be- maybe your 30LBs ?

Up to you to figure it out.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I'll go against the grain.

Overt communication doesn't work. She's not sexually aroused by you. Her libido has succumbed to the typical comfort/familiarity one-two punch combo that has knocked out many a female libido. 

She's communicating with you. She doesn't want a man that comes up to her with hat in hand saying "Please... my love... tell me what I can do to turn on your sexual machine. I... I am at your service, my beloved wife." 

She wants a man who just GETS IT. She's blatantly telling you "Yeah, not into all those sexy things with you anymore. Change."

You shut the F up, you hit the gym, you become a sexier and more confident version of yourself that other women would find attractive. Your wife notices and she realizes she needs to up her game or else she's going to lose you. Or not... and you move on to greener pastures. 

In my years on this planet, I'm telling you this is the only viable solution to your VERY COMMON problem. Overtly communicating your issues and asking her to please have sexual desire again will, at best, result in pity sex. That is worse than no sex. Might as well just go back to porn.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

what are your ages and how log have you been married ?

Do you have kids and if so, what are their ages ?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I fully agree with shaking up the status quo with regards to a stale sex life.

Woman have so much more respect for men that take things into their own hands...figuratively, not literally...eg...taking care of their physical appearance, showing more self respect and confidence.
Woman like emotionally strong men who know what they want and communicate these needs openly and will not settle for crumbs.

It’s not attractive for men to grovel and show lack of respect for themselves.
Women like confident , take charge men who respect themselves enough to take care of the way they look and be confident in the way they act.
As they say....you can’t change her...you can only change yourself.
Your wife will notice your efforts to take care of yourself and be the best version of you and will more than likely wake up and take note for fear of you leaving because she is not meeting your needs.

Regardless of outcome....you will be a fitter, more confident version of you....which will serve you well in the future whether you stay or move on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

dadstartingover said:


> I'll go against the grain.
> 
> Overt communication doesn't work. *She's not sexually aroused by you.* *Her libido has succumbed to the typical comfort/familiarity one-two punch combo that has knocked out many a female libido. *


I thought the bolded when reading his post, too. In my experience, the more aroused a woman is the more open she is to sexual acts. She's feeling passionate, turned on, and _wants_ to xyz. Without that level of arousal, xyz is a no-go.


@bb987

When she was pushing your head down and letting you ejaculate in her mouth, she was doing those things because she was very turned on and they appealed to her in the moment. In fact, she might have been so turned on and in the moment that she really doesn't remember grabbing your head or eagerly tasting your cum.

So, you need to figure out why she's not getting as aroused.

Is she tired? Stressed? Thinking about the 1000 details of running a household and raising kids? If so, she needs to relax, get some rest, and learn to turn off her mommy brain for couple time.

She says "it's not clean down there". That could mean the delicate bacterial balance in the vagina has been disrupted. The disruption of that balance can lead to yeast or bacterial infection. Infections cause odor and discharge. If she's experiencing a problem like that, she needs to see her gynecologist for medication.

Is it the weight or lack of nutrition? That can be fixed by preparing healthy meals, ditching the unhealthy stuff, and exercise.

You need to talk to her. Tell her this is a problem and get to the bottom of it so that you can both do what needs to be done to get things back on track.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If I understand correctly this happened after you had a kid. 

How old is your kid? Could she still be exhausted and stressed?

Is she on birth control now and wasn't before? Any other medication?

Any depression or other issues?

Did you have a kid right away? Could the active sex life just have been directed towards that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What are your ages and how old is the child?

There is a big difference here if the child is a 4 month old baby vs a 12 year old. 

And your ages are important too.

If she is 28, you have a big problem on your hands. 

If she is menopausal, you're actually doing fairly well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

An additional 30lbs on a man can be enough tosignificantly decrease or even kill a woman's sexual attraction for man.

Don't even talk about it or ask her about it, just assume your weight is negatively affecting her sexual attraction for you and get to the gym and lose it and get buffed up. 

It may only be one component of her loss of sexual response, but it is a component that you can correct.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> I'll go against the grain.
> 
> Overt communication doesn't work. She's not sexually aroused by you. Her libido has succumbed to the typical comfort/familiarity one-two punch combo that has knocked out many a female libido.
> 
> ...


THIS ^^^^^^^

You cannot converse her back to desiring you.

And to be fair to her, she may not even be consciously aware of why she is like this and will not be able to give you any viable information even if you do talk about.

First step is stop bugging her about it and whining about it. That just makes you look weak and pathetic and she'll lose even more respect and desire.

Second step is hit the gym like it's the cure for cancer, world hunger and lost puppies. And start grooming and styling better and dressing better. 

Those things you can control and impact. You can't change things like having children and bills and a busy life. But you can control your physical fitness and how sharp you look. 

When an overweight person asks how they can get a better sexual response from their partner; what they are really asking is how they can turn their partner on without losing weight.

Don't be that guy. Get fit and lose the weight first.

When you are down to your fighting weight and she still doesn't respond sexually, then you can move on to other steps in the process.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Think of it this way - what would you do if she were to divorce you or got killed or something and you were a single guy that wanted to get back on the market, think about what would you do to become more attractive to potential dates and girl friends etc??

think about what you would do if you were single and were wanting to increase your sexual market value - start doing that.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

20 lbs on a woman can significantly decrease her physical attractiveness and 30 lbs on a man can significantly decrease his attractiveness. You probably still find her attractive but she probably looks in the mirror and sees how her body has changed for the worse after child birth. Suggest you both work on yourselves by eating healthier and working out together either at home or preferably at a gym. She is going to like the new work out clothes and social aspect of going to the gym plus the benefits of weight loss and muscle tone all of which will make her feel sexier. You will enjoy your wife looking good in work out clothes and will benefit physically from excersize with muscle tone and fat loss and boosted confidence.

If you had hot sex before you can bring it back. After you have both begun to see positive results in your healthier lifestyle just go for it with her. You want to go down on her just do it, ravage her, make her feel like you cannot help yourself with her you find her so sexy you have got to just take her. Pay her lots of compliments and always tell her how sexy she is looking, comment to her that she has lost weight and looks more toned even if the changes are really slight just to give her the impression that it shows and you find it soooooo sexy you cannot help it. The same woman who was wild with you before is still in there and she would still enjoy all those things again, she is likely just in a funk created by her own self image or momma mode thinking. Break her out of it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear BB;

People change over time, you need to expect that. As was said earlier, you need to talk with her and not at her. 

You need to communicate what you would like and what you miss. You also need to understand that she may have changed. Some men have this Madonna Wh#re thing and some women also develop something much like that. She may view herself now as a mother and not as a lover or sexy woman. Yes, you married and still want the sexy woman you love, but she may not feel that way.

My suggestion is for you and her to get some marriage counseling, maybe with a sex therapist to see if you can both figure out something that both of you can do that sexually excites and satisfies both of you.

Good luck.

P.S. If you think it is bad now, wait until she becomes a grandmother. :surprise:
Work on fixing it now.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife is very submissive to me. But I have seen her be vicious and rude towards men she did not like. Years later I did discover her attitude is based on her judgement of the strength of the man she is interacting with. 

She is a strong woman. She wants only the best man. She is programmed to want a strong alpha male. The better I fit that role the more she throws herself at me, and will do anything for me.

I have become quite good at playing the role, being very aggressive in just the right measure at just the right time to make Mary swoon. I sweep Mary off her feet, figuratively and literally, quite often.

As a result I get anything I want.

Personally I suspect there are many more women who loose respect for their men because their men fail to maintain the alpha male role than we possibly can guess. Or perhaps it is simply that I have met many because I am who I am.

The advice you have gotten to get back in shape is certainly good as a start. 

I saw someone try to learn how to be more alpha once. It did not work well. He was constantly confused between self assurance and overbearing belligerence.


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## bb987 (Nov 13, 2017)

barbados said:


> OP,
> 
> what are your ages and how log have you been married ?
> 
> Do you have kids and if so, what are their ages ?



We are both about 30 years old, been married for 5 years, and have a two year old.


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## bb987 (Nov 13, 2017)

Thanks for all of the replies everyone, I have a lot to work on.

So, I thought I would add some more information. I just weighed myself, and it turns out I am actually 40 lbs heavier.... 

Our current frequency is about two to four times a month. My wife and I love each other very much, and the sex is satisfying for both of us even though the frequency is not as often as we would like. A few weeks ago my wife sat down with me and broke down saying "I am so sorry that we aren't close sexually anymore". I consoled her, and told her we would work on this together.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Many of us are in the same boat, be careful, you'll drive yourself crazy searching for that magic button to change her back but I'm convinced it doesn't exist. The best you can probably hope for is a compromise.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## KatrinaR (Nov 10, 2017)

alexm said:


> As said above - communicate. Talk to your wife (not AT her, ie. no whining, no accusations, don't be negative, etc.).
> 
> In any case, this is not atypical. As people age, their tastes sometimes change. When it comes to sex, being less adventurous as we get older isn't out of the ordinary, and doesn't always indicate something is wrong. It may just indicate that she knows what she wants at this point, and what works for her.
> 
> ...



Well said.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

1. Realize that drop in sex while you have a kid between birth and age 2 is very common. Don't ignore but realize it is common.
2. Realize that 2 - 4 times a month is not terrible when you have a kid between birth and age 2. Don't make her feel like a failure. Express confidence you know she can do ever better.
3. Help her have more time and energy. What can you take off her plate? Does she have time for herself to relax?
4. Lose the weight. Hit the gym. You need less fat and more muscle.
5. Initiate as often as you like, but accept "no" with good humor. "Oh well, your loss." Then do some exercise and come back to the room sweaty and grinning. "Would have loved to get all hot and sweaty with you, but I had fun pumping iron."


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

well....

Maybe she doesn't like the fat rolling off your belly when she goes down on you. Maybe she is self conscious about her own fat or the changes to her vulva and vagina after bearing a child.

Maybe all those gymnastics took time, energy and a sense of abandon she no longer has due to age, weight and responsibilities.

Maybe she was doing some of those things to please you, but now that you are older, established and comfortable with each other she no longer feels she has to do those things.

Maybe her libido has naturally declined. Everyone does it like rabbits when they first marry or get together. 

Maybe she is disappointed in your parenting or contribution to the house. There are few things more sexy to a woman that a man who is a good father to her children or one who sees a mess and cleans it up without being asked.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Focus on losing the weight, dressing better, looking better and being the best version if you that you can be.

Take all the pressure off her and stop bugging her about. 

If she wants want to just cuddle, then cuddle and don't push for sex.

If she does happen to get the horniness one day and wants to have sex, then give her the best that you can.

It will realistically take you several months to lose the weight. During those months keep your mouth shut and focus on getting yourself buffed up and being a good husband and father. 

Once you are at your fighting weight then you can start turning up your flirtation and banter. 

If she responds in a positive manner, then there you go. 

If she does not, then you can get serious about addressing your issues including MC or even considering proposing getting your needs met elsewhere or divorcing.

You have to address and correct the weight issue first however. You can't expect your wife to desire you if no other woman of her league would have you either and at 40 lbs overweight, not many attractive women will have you either.

If you are fit, well dressed, well groomed and look good, you will have other options available and your wife does not want you then, someone else will.


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