# Just need someone to talk to...



## mlj2002 (Feb 21, 2012)

I feel pretty low right now. My husband drank about 8-10 beers tonigt (as usual) and fell asleep on the couch. From the other room I heard him get up and start walking around the kitchen all weird. Then sat back down on the couch and fell asleep again with a cigarette in his hand (not the first time.) I went to check on him and he woke up and whipped a throw pillow at me and said, "How do ya like that, *****." I went to the other room and he sat on the toilet and fell asleep there for about 10 minutes and then came in the room where i was and said to stop ****ing with him and went to bed. I'm still awake till he is definitley sleeping so I hope he dosent bother our son (9yrs old) in the bedroom next to ours (which he never has, but done strange things in other rooms in the past.) I have to sleep downstairs cause he snores when he drinks but I always worry about my son in his room. I'm thinking about getting a baby moniter. But then my son will wonder what its for and what do I tell him. Worried and so sad tonight (and its not the first.) Just had to vent, maybe it would be theraputic. Sorry if this was wrong to tell every detail but maybe someone could tell me it will be ok.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you considered going to Al-Anon? You need some real help in dealing with the alcoholic in your home. 

I don't know what sort of weird things your husband has done that make you concerned for you son... but you have to protect your son.

Perhaps you should sleep in your son's room when this happens. I have no doubt that your son knows that his dad has issues. Kids are far more intune than most give them credit for being. It's healthiest if you speak honestly and openly with your son about his father's problems. So not teach him to sweep them under the rug and pretend they do not exist.

Please go to Al-Anon and get the help you and your son need.


----------



## mlj2002 (Feb 21, 2012)

EleGirl: Thank you for responding to my post. 

Yes, I have considered Al-anon before and again more seriously lately. I could definitley use some help dealing. My husband thinks so also, of course, because he thinks I'M the one with the problem and needs help cause I cant deal with him. (I don't really drink.) But then again, tonight when I told him I was thinking about it, he didn't want me to go cause he thinks they will get it in my head to leave him. I love him very much and he's great when he's sober and I would like to work it out cause I'm not in a financial position to make it on my own or close enought with family to live with them without making my life a different kind of problem. The problem is that one, I have looked at their 12 steps and I am not very religous I see that it's based upon "higher power." Also, I would have to find somewhere for my son to go while I go to Al-anon. It's a good thing that the one in my area is on a night when my husband works (I don't like him babysitting cause he'll sneek the beer) but I would have to have my mom/dad/sister watch him and I don't want to talk about it with them cause they don't understand about what I go through even though I have tried to tell them how it is living with a functioning alcoholic. When he's been good they think he's a great guy and have that assumption for months when I could be going thru a lot at home. When he's been drinking too much lately and I tell my family about it... they think he's ALWAYS bad and act like I have such a jerk husband for months even though he's gotten better (for a little while.) I also don't want to have another thing chalked up on the list of "things they do for me." My mom is the kind that will throw it in your face or bring up "all the times I've babysat, bought our son stuff, took him places, ect." I don't have any close friends either. So despite all of this if I want to go to AlAnon, I have to have them babysit and deal with it. 

The weird things my H has done are things like a few times in the last 16 years... urinated in another room other than the bathroom, couldn't figure out how to turn the door knob or light switch and punch it, ask me weird questions about what happened at his job that day that I have no idea about and insist an answer. Usually if i hear these things going on, I can diffuse the situation and get him back to bed. 

I have slept in my son's room but I don't get a good night sleep, sleeping with him in the twin bed or on the floor.

My son and I do talk about it but I wonder how much he is not telling me about his feelings. 

Thank you again for taking the time to resopond and for your help.


----------



## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

Alcohol always a spoiler. You say that when your husband is sober, he is a great man and I feel that it's true. He is an alcoholic who can only be helped by convincing him to go for counselling together for advice. Trying to curb alcoholism depends on his interest to quit alcohol by talking to him and making him understand the effects of alcohol in your marriage and the weird things he does under the influence of alcohol( when he is sober). Maybe that would bring him to light....and you don't expect him to quit at his own will. It's something that you induce.It's good that your son knows what goes on and that you protect him from his dad's strange acts.


----------



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

My stbxh was the same way. I'd go to wake him up from being passed out on the couch and he actually threw a lamp at me once. It broke. And who cleaned it up......of course, I did. I finally had enough after 6+ yrs of this type of behavior. I filed for divorce. I felt it was healthier for our daughter to NOT grow up in this type of household. Well, it took him getting a DUI on the night before Thanksgiving to finally see that he had a drinking problem. He's been pretty conservative about drinking since then. He says he doesn't want to go back to that. But now, I don't know if I can trust him to stay sober. He will only change, if he wants to. You can't MAKE him - all you can do is use the resources available to show him that he is going to ruin his family. We have to remember to take care of our children, don't let your son think that Dad's behavior is ok.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are more patient than I.

I would have kicked him out or just left.

My father was a drunk. My grandfather was a drunk. I do not hang around drunks. If my husband behaved like your husband, I would leave. No question.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I hope you'll put more effort into going to al-anon. You don't have to be religious to believe in a "higher power". I really think it would help you to talk to people who are going through the same things you are. 

I've known a lot of alcoholics, and it rarely gets better. IMO, you need to start working on getting yourself in a financial position to leave, if it becomes necessary. Career? Community College? Adult School?

I understand that you love him and don't want to leave, I'm just suggesting that you start working toward getting yourself to a place where staying is a choice and not a necessity.


----------



## fearful55 (Feb 15, 2012)

You are right to be reaching out for help and support. It turns out that dealing with some of life's most challenging and painful problems can best be done with the help and support of others. 

One thing is certain...things will not even stay the same if you isolate and do nothing. They will get worse. I'm sorry to have to say that, but I believe it is true.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. With the help of AA (reaching out to others for help and support) I am sober today and have been sober long enough that I've learned much about myself and my disease (alcoholism). 

There's no scientific test for alcoholism. Noone in a white lab coat and a clipboard says, "The test results are in. You are an alcoholic." It is a self diagnosis. I say this because I can't say that your husband is an alcoholic. I can say, however, that I've listened to alcoholics share their experience, strength, and hope at meetings multiple times per week for many years. I've heard your husband's story many times, told by either a man or woman. The speak not only what booze did to them, but also what it did to those who love them. It's a family disease.

Your issue with the "higher power" component of twelve step programs is one that hit home with me. From the start it caused me problems. Early on, I took the suggestion to make use of the word god as an acronym: G.O.D. - Group of Drunks. Now that may seem odd, but the power of the group was something I could already feel. All of the people who got together in support of their common goal "...that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism." I wasn't alone. They understood me and what I'd been through, how I was feeling, all of it. Very powerful, enough so that I could consider the group to be a power greater than myself. That got me over the higher power hurtle enough to put aside my concern and do what was being suggested to me...and one sober day at a time, the miracle happened for me. It was less smooth than that really, but in general, that's what happened. 

My point is that the higher power component isn't a deal breaker. Al-Anon is the place to begin to help yourself and your son. I don't know much about that fellowship except that it will put you in touch with others just like yourself. Whether their story is just like yours or totally different, they have something in common with you. Their lives are impacted by an alcoholic which means that inside, they feel just like you. 

Al-Anon may not be the solution for you, but it's the place to start even if you only begin your journey there. 

There are a million reasons to NOT go to a meeting and only one reason to go: You.

Please find a way...


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I think its time to practice some boundaries. He's continueing to destroy your marriage and you are allowing it. You say you don't have means to leave. Have you consulted with an attorney to find out your options? Your H won't change unless he can suffer some real consequences to his actions. He hasn't yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You are more patient than I.
> 
> I would have kicked him out or just left.
> 
> My father was a drunk. My grandfather was a drunk. I do not hang around drunks. If my husband behaved like your husband, I would leave. No question.


:iagree::iagree:
If my Husband do like yours I would definitely leave him!


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Get to your breaking point; fast. My sons' father was like this, and I recognized early on that I did not want to spend my life babysitting an abusive drunk. The last straw for me: He got up drunk for a pee, but pissed in the baby's dresser, and the piss came through the floors and started dripping on me, downstairs in the living room (old old house). There I was, washing floors, walls, clothing, the dresser, at 1:30 am. He was GONE. Been 18 years. Best move I ever made.


----------

