# Am I wrong



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

My husband hates his job and decided to quit without talking to me first or having a back up plan for what to do now. I work full time however to pay the bills we need both incomes. We have 2 young children and have strived for years to provide them with the best life possible. Given him quitting his job I know within no time at all we will face repossessions, law suits and bad credit. Tonight when I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed that I've ruined his life, that I'm unsupportive, and that a good wife would have just said don't worry we will make it work. He got so angry when I suggested he reconsider that he even said to shut the "f" up or he was going to "make me". He's never been physically abusive in the past...emotional but not physical. I know he got so angry because I wasn't just supporting his decision, but I'm worried about the future of our family. I want to support his career change, but I would have thought it best to make a plan, continue with his job while he created a plan for changing the career that would still provide financial help to paying the bills. I'm responsible for paying the bills and I know just how far behind we already are...and that in no time we will be facing a situation of devastation. He has always worked hard to provide for our family, however this impulsive decision will harm us all and although I think he feels its his right...I think he will grow to regret this hasty decision and be unable to reverse it if he waits beyond this weekend. Am I wrong and insensitive? How do I proceed from here..respond to his actions?


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

maybe he really got fired?

verbal abuse is never acceptable though.

What are the job prospects in your area, for what he wants to do? maybe he'll find something quick.

if you're a paycheck away from repossessions (new cars?), maybe you both should sit down and examine your finances and lifestyle.

You should always have a safety net of savings for three to six months.

Can your parents or relatives loan you some money until he finds a new position?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2hearts said:


> My husband hates his job and decided to quit without talking to me first or having a back up plan for what to do now. I work full time however to pay the bills we need both incomes. We have 2 young children and have strived for years to provide them with the best life possible. Given him quitting his job I know within no time at all we will face repossessions, law suits and bad credit. Tonight when I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed that I've ruined his life, that I'm unsupportive, and that a good wife would have just said don't worry we will make it work. He got so angry when I suggested he reconsider that he even said to shut the "f" up or he was going to "make me". He's never been physically abusive in the past...emotional but not physical. I know he got so angry because I wasn't just supporting his decision, but I'm worried about the future of our family. I want to support his career change, but I would have thought it best to make a plan, continue with his job while he created a plan for changing the career that would still provide financial help to paying the bills. I'm responsible for paying the bills and I know just how far behind we already are...and that in no time we will be facing a situation of devastation. He has always worked hard to provide for our family, however this impulsive decision will harm us all and although I think he feels its his right...I think he will grow to regret this hasty decision and be unable to reverse it if he waits beyond this weekend. Am I wrong and insensitive? How do I proceed from here..respond to his actions?


I suggest that he mail the bills and watch the account balance. Then reality is obvious. If he's not capable or won't do it then I'm afraid you're running out of options. Eventually he'll either be self sufficient and able to provide for his family or he won't. I have an abrasive spot in my heart for partners who sponge off of the other partner.


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

why did he quit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'd take his access to the money away since it's all going to be on you.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> I'd take his access to the money away since it's all going to be on you.


So you would recommend that advice to men whose wives are SAHMs?


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

richie33 said:


> So you would recommend that advice to men whose wives are SAHMs?


Is she all of a sudden making decisions that can screw the family without talking it over with her husband? Not the same thing at all. You can NOT be a provider and be involved in the decision making process. If you're all of a sudden putting your family in financial distress then everyone needs to take a step back before everything is screwed up. So yes, if the SaHM is all of a sudden making distressing decisions without discussion the advice would apply.


----------



## whataquandry (Jun 2, 2014)

You say he's always worked hard and provided for you and the family, so things must be really awful for him to get to this point. Quitting a job like you describe is very extreme, especially if things are tight financially. Has he shared his frustrations at work with you already and how long has he been unhappy with his job? Has he sought out other opportunities before quitting?
I don't think you are wrong for being upset, I'm just curious to understand the background and what led up to this event.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much notice did he give at work? I too am curious about whether he quit or was actually fired.

How long ago did this happen? Has he applied for unemployment if he can get it?

What's his plan to replace his job?


----------



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

No he was in business for himself- no possibility of getting fired. He had a very profitable pool service for years and then while I was away on a business trip he just decide he was no longer going out- he doesn't feel he can work in the heat anymore and he is just not willing to continue one more day. He has complained for years about hating his job, however he has no college degree and the possibility of starting a new profession that would be provide the same financial stability for our family was slim.
I want him out of the sun as much as he wants to be out....not having another job lined up though is irresponsible to me and selfish. I believe he should have planned this massive exit sold his business not just thrown it away after 15 years! He thinks I'm cold hearted, unsupportive and an out right "b" for not having faith in him....yet today I've been the one doing all the job searching for him...he's shown no initiative?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, I think your husband is irresponsible and dumb to "quit" without having something to call back on. Now, what are you going to do about it?

Personally, I'd give him the bills and tell him that it's his responsibility to keep them paid. Let him deal with the stress of managing the finances. And tell him that as a show of your faith in him, you'll let him do his own job hunt for something he likes. Quite frankly, he needs a big old dose of reality. And if you can offload the stress off yourself at the same time, more power to you!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

2Hearts...you have my sympathies. I can't even imagine having to deal with this.

If I was in your shoes, it would be a deal-breaker. One thing you need to consider that if he stays unemployed for long enough and you end up getting fed up and divorcing him, you could be on the hook for alimony and potentially CS since he could make the argument that he's taking care of the kids more.

Neither partner has the right to unilaterally make the decision not to work. And yes, that also applies to SAHMs. If you do not agree with his decision, he has the responsibility to find another job before he quits his old one.

If he threatens you, that's also a deal-breaker. Its completely unacceptable.

Frankly, I would NEVER support an able-bodied, grown adult. Ever. If it were me, he either found another job before quitting his old one or I'd be filing for divorce.

Partners support each other and make serious decisions as a team. If he can't do that...he's useless to you anyway.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> So you would recommend that advice to men whose wives are SAHMs?


What a ridiculously sexist apples and oranges question. A sahm is an arrangement between the couple. And fyi, men here recommend that sahm's be cut off all the time when hubby's not getting what he wants.

I would, however, recommend this to a husband whose wife unanimously quit her job, knowing they couldn't manage without her income, and when he tried to discuss it was told to "shut the f!ck up or she'd make him". That is apples to apples.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2hearts said:


> No he was in business for himself- no possibility of getting fired. He had a very profitable pool service for years and then while I was away on a business trip he just decide he was no longer going out- he doesn't feel he can work in the heat anymore and he is just not willing to continue one more day. He has complained for years about hating his job, however he has no college degree and the possibility of starting a new profession that would be provide the same financial stability for our family was slim.
> I want him out of the sun as much as he wants to be out....not having another job lined up though is irresponsible to me and selfish. I believe he should have planned this massive exit sold his business not just thrown it away after 15 years! He thinks I'm cold hearted, unsupportive and an out right "b" for not having faith in him....yet today I've been the one doing all the job searching for him...he's shown no initiative?


If he works for himself then this may turn out to be a vacation rather than unemployment. He really needed to put his resume out there and apply for jobs and keep doing his business until something is available. But it's easy for us to take how much a business owner has on their plate for granted. We get vacation pay, holiday pay, sick time, and 40+ hours a week in a climate controlled environment.

I still think he should be the one in charge of the bills so he will understand just how much is coming in and going out.

Personally I think something is going on.
- Someone who's been in business for them selves and doing okay, rarely just quits unless there's a lot more to it. How is his health? Any recent life changing events?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Coming from one of the most sexist poster is a joke.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Coming from one of the most sexist poster is a joke.


Interesting observation. I'm sorry you think my pointing out double standards, which are here in force, are sexist. I've told many a guy that his wife is full of sh!t and he should'nt put up with her, and he can and will do better.
But you're certainly entitled to your opinion, no matter how ill informed it might be.


----------



## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

2hearts said:


> My husband hates his job and decided to quit without talking to me first or having a back up plan for what to do now. I work full time however to pay the bills we need both incomes. We have 2 young children and have strived for years to provide them with the best life possible. Given him quitting his job I know within no time at all we will face repossessions, law suits and bad credit. Tonight when I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed that I've ruined his life, that I'm unsupportive, and that a good wife would have just said don't worry we will make it work. He got so angry when I suggested he reconsider that he even said to shut the "f" up or he was going to "make me". He's never been physically abusive in the past...emotional but not physical. I know he got so angry because I wasn't just supporting his decision, but I'm worried about the future of our family. I want to support his career change, but I would have thought it best to make a plan, continue with his job while he created a plan for changing the career that would still provide financial help to paying the bills. I'm responsible for paying the bills and I know just how far behind we already are...and that in no time we will be facing a situation of devastation. He has always worked hard to provide for our family, however this impulsive decision will harm us all and although I think he feels its his right...I think he will grow to regret this hasty decision and be unable to reverse it if he waits beyond this weekend. Am I wrong and insensitive? How do I proceed from here..respond to his actions?


While I think you are correct that maybe a plan would have been better, it appears as if he's been ready to make a change for a while. Are you going to focus on the way you think he should have done this or on being supportive ? Working in hot weather in the sun is exhausting. I know that from personal experience. BTW he already knows that the loss of income is going to affect you and he, trust me he knows that. You beating him over the head[verbally] with it is just rubbing it in. Maybe a break for a week or 2 will rejuvenate him, how long has it been since you folks had a vacation ? The first reply had a golden nugget there if you care to hear it. That of having a cushion, not blowing your income every week. There is a real stress reliever in having that mentality. 

The other postings are just full of crap. Really your gonna divorce your spouse because he didn't get your OK to quit his job? :scratchhead: Sounds like controlling behavior to me !! Just because he's temporarily out of a job doesn't mean he'll become a bum. How about honoring his hard work in a tough job all these years ? :lol:


----------



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

If there were no kids involved that could be negatively effected by his actions it would be one thing. As the person to pay the bills though, I know next week we will need to pay well over a thousand dollars worth of bills, and yet I have 500.00 in the account. I think maybe if he showed a little concern right now it would be easier for me to be supportive. Instead he's had this whole past week off and has done nothing- the last 3 days that've been home he has watched tv while I've been sulking in our bedroom. I. Truly scared financially for the first time in our marriage. Yeh we've been behind on bills here and there, but never to the degree where I've been facing the power turned off. He is simply showing no signs of distress like I am. I'm dying to know what his plan is, yet each time I start to talk to him about it he screams at me and it turns into a fight. Just as you mentioned he says I'm trying to be controlling....I think I'm just trying to be responsible. I look at my husband as the protector of me and the kids- his quick decision to just quit the business isn't looking out for anyone's best interest including his own....how is that being protective of the ones you claim to love. I would go to the ends of the earth for my family- I wouldn't just quit something if I knew it would hurt them!


----------



## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

So he's sick of a job that's wore him out, your afraid of financial circumstances. Have you 2 communicated that to each other ?
Have you expressed empathy for the work he has done and the toughness of his job ? Or are you telling him to put his big boy pants and get out there and get her done ?! Would I be to forward to suggest that your financial fears are causing you to hurt him ? And that's why he's hurting you emotionally ?


----------

