# Will my husband ever want to reconcile?



## singlemomma (Mar 17, 2018)

New here.
My H and I are currently living separately. He wants out of our marriage. He said a lot of things was too much for him. We've had financial instability the past year and a half, and other marital problems that I had no idea that was bad until August of last year. I had to confront him and talk to him why he started sleeping in the spare room, and was acting so distant towards me. He finally told me. He said he was depressed, and unhappy not just because of our marriage, but with his dad's health, mom and grandma moving away to a different state after living all their lives in the state we live in now. In September I had a feeling that he was doing something behind my back. I went on one of his social media and went through his friends list and I saw a new ''friend'' who was a female that I instantly felt uneasy about. I brought it up to him through and he seemed defensive and claimed they were just friends. Few weeks later, I found out from his phone account that she sent him 2 picture messages (I couldnt see what it was) that she had sent to him in the beginning of september. One late night he and I had a talk. The next day I checked the phone records again and found that the same girl called him around 1 am that same night. It didn't look like they had a conversation as it only showed 1 minute. I confronted him about it and he said he didnt know if it was her that called cause he apparently didn't have her number. Fast forward, I finally got him to admit that he had been talking to the girl (a coworker that he works with everyday) after I sent her a nasty text. He said she was just a friend and liked talking to her because of her personality being like his ''before.'' He admitted that he caught feelings for her. I asked what type of feelings, if it was love. He said no it wasn't like that. He told me that when he saw me starting to change such as giving him space, he got confused and told the other girl that they needed to stop talking. He also told me that the girl kept telling him to work things out with me then and that she was not biased (he said she was trying to help him understand my possible side of the story and his.) He cried for a while after he confessed to me. I told him I forgave him and that I still loved him. I gave him a hug. He went outside to smoke a cigarette and found him crying. He was just feeling overwhelming sad. I have not seen him cry as much as he did the whole time that we had been together (almost 6 years together and almost 4 years married.) He moved out a few weeks after the confession because he didn't want to live under the microscope with me and ask him questions and making sure they stopped talking. We were trying to work things out. We went out with friends a few times, even went on dates. Fast forward to November, I gave him an ultimatum to either come home to work on himself and our marriage or kick rocks. He came back a week or so after, but told me he couldn't guarantee anything. We got into a big fight a few days after thanksgiving where i said nasty things that made him very angry, and made things worse between us. I apologized. Then in December we had an other talking. I asked him if he could still see a chance of us working out. He said no. We both were crying and pretty much ''broke up'' that evening. He went out for a drink with his friend. He spent the night at his dad's. He came back the next day after I had been crying, he pulled me in for a hug and I broke down. He cried as well. But he still told me he didn't know if we were still together. But he came back him still sleeping in different rooms. I assumed we were still together because we still told each other we loved each other and gave each other hugs and kisses. He pretty much was in a limbo and I was in it with him. Fast forward to February just 2 days after his birthday he told me that he though we needed to separate because it was affecting my job at the time, and how we were. He said He we needed to see if this could bring us back together because we realize we didn't want to lose each other or realize that we are happier not married, either way he thought separation was the best solution at that point. The next day he ''ended'' things with me. He said this separation is to get a divorce after a year living separately. He told me to let him go, and that he is letting me go and he will continue to move on from me. I was hurt and still am. He told me he still loves and cares about me, but its different. I know for a fact that he is back to talking to the other girl who is in her early 20s while he is on his late 20s. I'm in my mid 20s. He told me he's talked to girls but not pursuing them because he doesn't want to. Yesterday we spoke on the phone and he told me that he assumed that I'm already talking to someone because I bought new clothes and put make up on and getting dressed up (part of my getting a life of my 180.) I told him no, and that Im not ready for that. He told me that he is talking to a female but not trying to get into a relationship and that he isn't ready for it (i guess getting into another relationship.) 

Any advise on what I should do besides taking care of myself and our kids. He also told me yesterday that this isn't easy for him, me, and our kids. He said he is hurting too and misses the kids. I limited his time to come over to see the kids because I wanted to set boundaries for myself as well as wanting my space. Im working on being a better version of myself for me, the kids and him and our marriage and hopefully become a much better wife. He also said yesterday that my giving him space and not talking to him as much hasn't changed anything not even his feelings for me (he still loves and cares about me just different- same thing he said for months now.) What are my chances of getting him back and us reconciling? I know reconciliation takes time and patience, but how he's been being on and off is confusing me and causing me anxiety.

A little help?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. 

Right now you want to be married to him but he doesn't want to be married to you. Some people do change their mind and come back. Most people don't. There's obviously no way to predict what he's going to do. Odds are excellent that he's dating and doesn't want you to know. Are you okay with sitting around waiting to see if sooner or later he gets tired of being single and wants to come back?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He sounds too hopeless and selfish to me.

Sorry, the only advice from me is to separate because he sounds incapable of 
being a real man and being faithful.


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## singlemomma (Mar 17, 2018)

Openminded I want to save my marriage, but I don't want to sit around and wait for him. I doubt he is dating. Then again there is no way of telling. Whenever he comes over to hangout with the kids or drops them off he typically gives me hugs before he leaves. i have a strong gut feeling that he will return, but that is what is making me confused with what i want and need to do for myself. We are still friendly towards each other. The break up wasn't ugly. We actually hugged and told each other we loved each other before we parted ways the day we broke up.


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## singlemomma (Mar 17, 2018)

jorgegene yes i agree that he is being selfish and really is only thinking about what is best for him. I do believe that this isn't want he wants, because he has told me that with the separation agreement that he had drawn out that neither one of us signed yet, that he things the best solution is to eventually get divorced after a year of living separately. He then backed it up with, but I don't know the future. He has said subtle things that contradicts to the other things that he said in the same conversation. He is still confusing me. I wish I was a psychic so I could find out if he would ever come back and whatever he is thinking.


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## singlemomma (Mar 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
> 
> Right now you want to be married to him but he doesn't want to be married to you. Some people do change their mind and come back. Most people don't. There's obviously no way to predict what he's going to do. Odds are excellent that he's dating and doesn't want you to know. Are you okay with sitting around waiting to see if sooner or later he gets tired of being single and wants to come back?



To answer your question on my thread, no I don’t want to sit and wait around to see whether or not my husband will get tired of being single and eventually come back. But he wants to be friends which I agreed for the sake of the kids. I also remember a few weeks ago he said that he isn’t thinking about reconciliation right now or any time soon. He also said that it would have to happen naturally between us. What did he mean by that? Is he stringing me along?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He sound unstable.

Only he can help himself.

Start working on yourself. And don't get your hopes up.


Keep your self busy and active.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He is and has been stringing you along. Dump him. Divorce him. He’s a lost cause.
If you move on with your life, he very well may come back—- if his other ladies aren’t working out. You can find a man who is crazy about you. He isn’t. Put him in your rear view.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he meant is that he'll do as he pleases. Yes, he's stringing you along. You're his Plan B -- in case one or more of the girls he's likely dating -- or plans to date -- might not work out. Then he may decide to come back but he wants to keep his options open for now. 

Don't be friends with someone you want back in your life. It doesn't benefit you. It does benefit him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And stop hugging him. Better boundaries where he's concerned can only help you. 

He's admitted "talking" to girls. He's not going to tell you he's dating them but the odds are excellent that he is. That's a prime reason for separation -- to see what else is out there.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

If he's admitted to "talking" to other women, you can almost guarantee he's sleeping around with some of them. He's just using semantics to try to soften the blow to you.
if you really don't want to wait around until he's outgrown this "dating" phase, then agree to the divorce. He has no respect for you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be treating you like this. He is definitely stringing you along. 
Trust me, I've been the woman who chose to believe her husband was telling her the truth, even when all logical signs pointed to the REAL truth. I had a rude awakening.
You already said he denied what things were with his co-worker and only later admitted to it after you texted her, right? So, what makes you think he'd be forthcoming about anything else? I would say, take what he tells you as a quarter of what the real truth is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He wants you to figure out the real issue. If he tells you, it doesn’t count. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Cake eater!

Having his cake and eating it too.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

singlemomma said:


> To answer your question on my thread, no I don’t want to sit and wait around to see whether or not my husband will get tired of being single and eventually come back. But he wants to be friends which I agreed for the sake of the kids. I also remember a few weeks ago he said that he isn’t thinking about reconciliation right now or any time soon. He also said that it would have to happen naturally between us. What did he mean by that? Is he stringing me along?


He is stringing you along and will until you stop it. Even after a year of separation I bet he keeps playing this game. You don't have to be friends for the sake of the kids but that doesn't mean you must battle and be enemies. Nothing is going to happen "naturally" and that's just a line of nonsense to keep you on the hook. 

In the vast majority of separation's one party waits and one goes to explore a new fun world. Until he is worse to make a decision he will keep stringing this out and keeping all his options open. He's not confused and almost everything he has said is just double talk and generalities for one purpose and keeping his options open. He won't even think of changing until he thinks he is risking something and right now he doesnt. 

It will be hard for you but you must start pushing him away not only for your own well-being but he has to start to reflect the marriage may be at risk. Your lovegoggles need to start coming off too and see what he is really doing before you agree to any sort of reconciliation.


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