# x day



## toolatedad (Oct 23, 2012)

I have been discovering for a month so I'm not sure when D day was. But, today was exposure day. I was fortunate t find this site a few weeks back and I think I have handled things well but I am always open for other ideas. 

My wife and I have just had our 16th anniversary, we have 3 kids in middle and grade school. I'm 47 and she is 41. We have had a rocky marriage for the last 5 or 8 years. I would always try to please but it was never enough. Three years ago I caught her trying to meet other guys on line and having an EA with one. We went to marriage counseling and things seemed better. I know now that I only got trickle trooths out of her and I swept it under the rug wanting to get back to "normal".

A few months ago he told me we would likely end up divorced didn't want it t be a surprise. I was hurt and withdrew. Then last month she tells me she does not want to have sex anymore as she dose not want to fake it. For some reason this has a more profound effect on me than any of the numerous threats of divorce or the I'm not happy talk. 

I start IC. And so does she. I learn a few things and think that maybe I can change and really work on the relationship. 

Then as I start working with her on some of the things that I learned, I big in to notice other things. She stays out late with the "girls". She goes shopping in one town but the car GPS has directions to another. New clothes bought for a trip out of town and they never cone back etc. Etc. 

I dig in and find that she is in love with another guy. I find the guys name and his wife and 3 kids. 

Given her past cheating and how poorly I handled it. I went a bit stronger this time. I went back and forth on who to expose to, finally ending with her parents, OMS and OM dad. I sent them all emails/fb messages jus before I confronted my wife. I told her that I new about the A and that I had contacted my lawyer and then proceed to smash a wedding picture and threw my ring in the trash - I know a bit dramatic but no amount of reading can prepare you fr the emotions of that moment. I then left for a few hours and came back to a room in our basement. 

I do not want to divorce but I will if she is not ready to recommit to our marriage. To include NC , true remorse, complete openness etc. 

I have left her with the opinion that I am going for the D regardless. I will need t talk to hr more as I kinda stormed out tonight to let her know that I would be open to R if she could put I the work - but given the FOG. I dot know if she will want t now. 

Hoping for the best and sad for my kids. I think she ma be too deep I the fog. Should I come out and ask for a NC letter or just wait to see if she even wants to R. 
Thanks for an thoughts or support. Even thought this is m first post our all have been helpful already. Thanks .


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look, don't be too quick to jump to recovery yet. She would need to really be remorsefull. So far you haven't described any remorse and she is a serial cheat. You exposre before confrontation was good. Please follow the 180 for now, consult your attorney and wait to see what transpires.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

There may be other men you don't even know about during your marriage. A STD test would be a good idea.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

toolatedad said:


> My wife and I have just had our 16th anniversary, we have 3 kids in middle and grade school. I'm 47 and she is 41. We have had a rocky marriage for the last 5 or 8 years. I would always try to please but it was never enough. *Three years ago I caught her trying to meet other guys on line and having an EA with one*. We went to marriage counseling and things seemed better. I know now that I only got trickle trooths out of her and I swept it under the rug wanting to get back to "normal".
> 
> *A few months ago she told me we would likely end up divorced didn't want it t be a surprise*. I was hurt and withdrew. Then *last month she tells me she does not want to have sex anymore as she dose not want to fake it*. For some reason this has a more profound effect on me than any of the numerous threats of divorce or the I'm not happy talk.
> 
> ...


If you haven't exposed to the other man's wife, do it now. As soon as possible. That is the key to breaking up your wife's affair, which is based on a fantasy life with the other man that involves no chores, crying children, or day-to-day hassles, just sex, I love you's, and a fantasy of a perfect life together untouched by any of life's realities. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

If your wife blames you for any exposure you've made, let her know that you were fighting for her and fighting to save your marriage and you were only telling the truth; it is not your fault if she is ashamed of her actions and wants others to believe the lie she is living. Tell her that you cannot control her, only yourself, and what you are willing to accept or not accept in a marriage.

Then let your wife know that you want to save the marriage, but not at the price of your dignity and self respect. *Let her know that you want to work things out, but you are not willing to be anyone's second choice, and you are not willing to tolerate cheating in your marriage*.

Tell your wife you are truly sorry for any legitimate faults that you have and that you truly want to improve yourself and improve your marriage. Let her know that you will work on improving yourself whether you try to reconcile or not. But emphasize that, although you love her and want to stay married to her, you will seek divorce if she doesn't agree to your conditions.

Lay out all of your conditions - no contact letter, transparency, counseling, resumption of sex - whatever you need. Make sure it involves real actions on her part and not just words.

Tell her she has to make a choice immediately. If she agrees to your conditions, work on the marriage. If she agrees to your conditions, get a voice-activated recorder for her car and keylog the computer and monitor her for at least a few weeks until you can see that she really has ended contact with the other man. Don't tell her you are doing this.

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, then file for divorce and tell her you wish her the best. Tell her that she should pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Offer to help her pack and load up her car or drive her over there. Talk to her only about the divorce settlement, financial matters that need to be discussed, or the kids. In the meantime, tell her she cheated, so she should move out or, at the very least, she should be the one staying in the basement. She broke the marriage vows, not you. Do not engage her in arguments or long drawn-out discussions. Do not cry, plead, or beg. Show her only the calm, cool, confident you that will be able to move on with your life without her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Good job exposing.

Only question is why you are in basement and not her.

Have you also cut her off financially and stopped baby sitting so she can be freetown go out and cheat?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
No More Mr Nice Guy
The 180 degree rules


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