# Wife has 'given up' OM and wants us to get spark back but...



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

She says she doesnt know how, wont read books, refuses to go to counseling and doesnt even search online.

She thinks we should just talk between ourselves and spend time with each other but I've seen no real effort on her part to do anything.

She had a 3 month EA, and the slept with OM twice. Its been 2 months since the first occurance and I've told her that I need some sign that she wants the marriage to work or I'm walking.

I've suggested doing the various love buster surveys etc. and she say she will but never does.

Is she just getting over the OM or am I being led up the garden path?

The words sound good but I'm fed up of hanging around.


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi Indy,

My wife had a 7-month EA with a co-worker and when I found out about it she took two-months off of work to work on our marriage. Things definitely improved during this time. She has been back to work for a few months, working with the OM, and things have started to slide back and I have given her the ultimatum: our marriage or your job. My point is that until the affair fog is truly gone, your attempts to rekindle will likely be useless. I am in a similar place as you - fed up and frustrated. Your wife truly has to want to work on the marriage and you can not force her to. I assume she knows how you feel and that you want the marriage to work, but as I have come to realize, it can't be at the expense of your self worth and self-esteem. My wife says she wants to work on the marriage, but I know there is still something holding her back. Until that is truly gone, the recovery can not begin. You have to ask yourself how long you can keep trying, without losing yourself in the process. It has been 7-months since I was blindsided with my wife's EA and I have decided for myself that I am going to move on with or without her. With her in a supportive marriage or the same with someone else. I understand that you love your wife, as I do, but if you are the type of husband who is willing to look at himself and change to be a better man, some other woman will be there down the road to fully accept it and your life will be better for it. Sorry to ramble, but there are others who have been where you are, like myself, and life seems to be too short to not have a healthy and positive relationship. The relationship you have with your wife is supposed to be sacred and not 'shared' with someone else. Your wife needs to take full responsibility, apologize, and commit herself to your marriage 100%. I don't see my wife doing that so I am preparing myself to move on - if only in spirit.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

frustrated001 said:


> Hi Indy,
> 
> My wife had a 7-month EA with a co-worker and when I found out about it she took two-months off of work to work on our marriage. Things definitely improved during this time. She has been back to work for a few months, working with the OM, and things have started to slide back and I have given her the ultimatum: our marriage or your job. My point is that until the affair fog is truly gone, your attempts to rekindle will likely be useless. I am in a similar place as you - fed up and frustrated. Your wife truly has to want to work on the marriage and you can not force her to. I assume she knows how you feel and that you want the marriage to work, but as I have come to realize, it can't be at the expense of your self worth and self-esteem. My wife says she wants to work on the marriage, but I know there is still something holding her back. Until that is truly gone, the recovery can not begin. You have to ask yourself how long you can keep trying, without losing yourself in the process. It has been 7-months since I was blindsided with my wife's EA and I have decided for myself that I am going to move on with or without her. With her in a supportive marriage or the same with someone else. I understand that you love your wife, as I do, but if you are the type of husband who is willing to look at himself and change to be a better man, some other woman will be there down the road to fully accept it and your life will be better for it. Sorry to ramble, but there are others who have been where you are, like myself, and life seems to be too short to not have a healthy and positive relationship. The relationship you have with your wife is supposed to be sacred and not 'shared' with someone else. Your wife needs to take full responsibility, apologize, and commit herself to your marriage 100%. I don't see my wife doing that so I am preparing myself to move on - if only in spirit.


Very true & good!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

OK so we finally did the emotional needs survey, I actually scored very highly and the areas I didn't do well in are things we both agreed I am making good progress on.

She says she knows in her head the OM isnt a good idea but still has feelings for him. Says she is trying to transfer what she feels for him back to me.

She says she loves me and wants to get back to how we used to feel for each other. She smiles at me a lot, says we need to spend time together so why do I still feel like something isnt right?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hate to be the devil's advocate here, but it may be she is just biding her time, until she can be in the best position to dump you. Just a possibility, and she may very well be on the up-and-up with you(EAs are like drugs, it will take time until she is totally "clean and sober"), but don't totally discount the possibility. In the meantime, are you working on YOU?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The ONLY way that she is going to stop her affection for the OM is to completely stop all contact.
I sort of agree with F-102, she's trying to decide which way to go and keeping all options open.
I would demand that she quit working with the OM. If she values her marriage, that's not too much to ask.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I'm working on myself and actually feel pretty stable. The thing that bothers me is that she has never talked to me about what happened - its always me asking her. Even if I do get her to talk after a while she doesnt want to talk any more.

She smiles all the time and talks about lots of other things just nothing emotional.

she has suffered from really bad anxiety and depression and says she isnt ready to start talking about this stuff just yet.

I'm tempted just to say I dont care as its been rough for me too and that you need to start talking to me or its over. She likes hugs and jokes with me but no affection, no sex.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Update and plea for some views!

So I kept pushing her on the commitment thing and eventually she told me she couldnt commit and that she couldnt even trust herself.

I said if she cant commit then there is no chance of saving the marriage and we should just divorce and get it over with. She said fine and then told me how she felt nothing for me, her feelings for me were dead. I remained quite calm and throughout and just told her that of course she felt that way about me when she was 'in love' with someone else.

within the space of 2 hours she was looking at me with puppy dog eyes, hugged me, asked if it was really over (to which I said yes). She kept this up and despite my desire to get closure and end it I just couldnt be the one to initiate the split. We had 10 good years, a gorgeous daughter and still do love each other.

Then during the week through no prompting from me she started crying and told me all about how she had been feeling and that she never let the OM go. Said she was sorry and that the though of divorce woke her up, said for the first time everything came into focus. She also realised that she did love me that way but had hidden the feelings away.

Sounds good but then a couple days later, she started going hot and cold again, went back on things she said she was going to do. By this point I'd had enough and told her she obviously wasnt commited and should go her own way. She didnt put up much of a fight and still seems to be thinking of moving out.

Sooo, just a bit confused right now. I'm being very calm and happy. She is also being caring, still sleeping in the same bed and cuddled this morning. Keeps asking why I'm so happy, even said is it a plan that if I act this way she wont move out. I just joked it off and said I knew she loved me and would figure it out.

Not really sure how to play it :scratchhead:, do I act super cool - no hugs, chatty conversations etc like a 180 so she sees what she would miss? OR do I keep the Mr Happy approach and offer support and hugs (worried that this makes it look like I'm OK with the situation)?

Any insight welcome


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

My advice? Listen to the advice already given.

You are being strung along.

Waiting for your woman "for a sign," or "to decide", or "to make commitment" etc? May as well wait for the cows to come home.

Let me ask you this, if in her "judgment" she has engaged herself in an EA and PA, then why you thinking to wait for her "judgment" for your marriage or not?

Stop this waiting! Get a hold of yourself!

Your woman has shown in action what her "judgment" will bring.

She has told you black and white in words she does not "trust herself". What more you want or need on this earth?

Decide YOURSELF what you want, and then act on YOUR OWN decision.

You want your woman to work on marriage? Insist on it.

You want your woman stop messing with other man? Insist on it.

You want to cut your woman loose and move on? Insist on it.

You want marriage counciling? Insist on it.

You want divorce? Insist on it.

All the waiting around in the world for your woman "to decide", this will do only one thing, your woman will feel she is not worth fighting for and she WILL end up in the arms of some other man. Take that to the bank.

So, simply this, what do YOU want?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Basically you're acting like a whiny Beta with her, rather than acting with any force of personality.

Read my site asap.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

LOL

OK then, so how would an Alpha male tell his wife that he doesnt want to seperate or divorce when she is on the fence because she thinks she is in love with the OM?

There are 2 people in this marriage and I cant make it work by myself.

I know exactly what I want but my wife is on the fence and I cant knock her off it she has to choose which side to come down to.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Indy,
You don't seem to grasp the basics here. 

You put a little pressure on her and she freaked. Instead of staying the course you returned to puppy dog mode. So lets face facts here: She wants BOTH - you as her safe/boring financial safety net and emotional comforter and HIM as the hot sexy guy. 

Funny thing isn't it. A big part of the "sexy" factor is she CANNOT control him. Otherwise they would be together and you would be out on your ass already. 

The fact is she can easily control you just by crying and being ambiguous. If you want her to value YOU, you need to have the balls to escalate the instability. The reason 180's work is because suddenly YOU are now the guy she can't control. 
phase 1 - one week
a. move out of the bedroom tonight
b. stop saying ILY - stop all physical contact
c. if she initiates an ILY/Hug smile - look confused and say - when you are ready to tell me you have gone 100 percent NC with the OM your privileges will be restored. Until then - hands off and stop insulting me with the i love you "too" crap. 

phase 2 - SHOW NO FEAR/SADNESS/ANXIETY - radiate calm and determination - 2 to 4 weeks until you have actually moved out:
a. tell her you have found an apartment and will be moving out on X date - and make that date "soon" - let her cry/beg etc. and stay calm. Repeat the phrase - "when you are ready to call the OM with me on the phone and tell him you are done - we can talk about my plans - not before"
b. go to LC - only discuss schedules/kid stuff etc. stop 
explaining when you will/will not be around except for times during which you have child care responsibilities
c. Do NOT let her discuss the "relationship" with you. Rinse and repeat the refrain "when you are ready to call the OM and end it...."
d. Pack your stuff a few days before moving - do NOT discuss the move with her - "just do it" - hey it works for Nike
e. You can cry ALL YOU WANT I know I would. But only when you are far from her and can get rid of the red eye before you see her. 

phase 3 - you are out of the house and in LC - 4 weeks later you escalate with:
a. Text her a short note asking if she would prefer a mediator or lawyers for the divorce
b. If she ignores - let her know you will be filing within a week
c. File
d. Do not agree to work on anything unless she ends it with the OM
e. Be calm and polite - do NOT rescue her from any messes during this time

This is actually your best chance of regaining self respect, regaining her respect and regaining her. You cannot get the last to happen without the first 2. 




Indy Nial said:


> LOL
> 
> OK then, so how would an Alpha male tell his wife that he doesnt want to seperate or divorce when she is on the fence because she thinks she is in love with the OM?
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Indy Nial said:


> LOL
> 
> OK then, so how would an Alpha male tell his wife that he doesnt want to seperate or divorce when she is on the fence because she thinks she is in love with the OM?


Take the word "love" out of this equation.

Your woman is sexually attracted to this affair man.

She is financially needing you.

These two scenarios, they are nothing in common.



> There are 2 people in this marriage and I cant make it work by myself.


It WILL not work until you decide what YOU want, and then YOU act and behave based on that alone.

Forget waiting for your woman to decide. That is a smokescreen, nothing more.



> I know exactly what I want but my wife is on the fence and I cant knock her off it she has to choose which side to come down to.


Incorrect analogy.

You're on one shore, the affair man on the other shore, your woman in the dangerous river between holding on to rope provided by you while she swims to the affair man.

Stop giving her rope!

Pull it in. 

If she let's go, it's her choice.

If she hangs on, it's her choice.

Regardless, your decision to pull in rope, it must be done either way!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Advice from MEM11363, I can only agree wholeheartily.



MEM11363 said:


> e. Be calm and polite - do NOT rescue her from any messes during this time


This is gold.

These "messes", they will come.

Oh yes, they will come.

Listen to MEM11363 advice!


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Thanks guys that sounds like a good plan and get the principles I need to apply.

The thing is, how do you know she is sincere? She has told me many times she doesnt talk to him but then the other day he called the house, then when I asked her she said she 'hardly' talks to him. Its the whole unknown bit that I'm getting fed up with. I guess I could list out some conditions that she has to abide by?

I'm also not sure on the moving out bit, i think that would stand against you in divorce court.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get her to agree to a legal seperation in writing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So she "sort" of talks to him. Is that similar to "he doesn't put it all the way in" so it isn't sex?

She has CLEARLY not gone NC with this guy. She is clearly going through the cycles of:
- talking to him and getting hot and bothered
- freezing you out
- realizing you are getting upset - but not really feeling afraid because you have lost her respect
- cooling it off with him
- being nicer to you 
- repeat from the beginning

Is the OM married? Does his W know what is happening? If it were me I would contact HER and let her know that her H is pursuing your W. 




Indy Nial said:


> Thanks guys that sounds like a good plan and get the principles I need to apply.
> 
> The thing is, how do you know she is sincere? She has told me many times she doesnt talk to him but then the other day he called the house, then when I asked her she said she 'hardly' talks to him. Its the whole unknown bit that I'm getting fed up with. I guess I could list out some conditions that she has to abide by?
> 
> I'm also not sure on the moving out bit, i think that would stand against you in divorce court.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Indy,
> You don't seem to grasp the basics here.
> 
> You put a little pressure on her and she freaked. Instead of staying the course you returned to puppy dog mode. So lets face facts here: She wants BOTH - you as her safe/boring financial safety net and emotional comforter and HIM as the hot sexy guy.
> ...


I also agree with MEM11363 and bigbadwolf that is what a man should do.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Well, just went upstairs and moved my clothes etc out. She didn't even ask what I was doing. After I finished I calmly told her that I was swapping rooms with our daughter until she ended it with the OM, if she wasnt willing to do that then she needs to move out.

The response? A very unconcerned "OK"

I was hoping for a bit more of a reaction, we'll see what happens. Do you think I need to explain the reasons more? Maybe in a letter? One of the things she claims stops her from committing to the marriage is that she no longer feels a connection with me, does she not realise that's because she disconnected from me to have feelings for the OM?

Anyway, I'm keeping silent about anything other than polite conversation.

I'm going to follow the plan but not moving out.
1) cant afford it
2) it can be viewed as abandoning the family home


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

No, explain no more. She knows damn well why.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you the primary breadwinner?



Indy Nial said:


> Well, just went upstairs and moved my clothes etc out. She didn't even ask what I was doing. After I finished I calmly told her that I was swapping rooms with our daughter until she ended it with the OM, if she wasnt willing to do that then she needs to move out.
> 
> The response? A very unconcerned "OK"
> 
> ...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> phase 1 - one week
> a. move out of the bedroom tonight
> b. stop saying ILY - stop all physical contact
> c. if she initiates an ILY/Hug smile - look confused and say - when you are ready to tell me you have gone 100 percent NC with the OM your privileges will be restored. Until then - hands off and stop insulting me with the i love you "too" crap.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
The verbiage I use is: "When you are ready to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty, we can talk. I won't take crumbs; I won't accept anything less than 100% and you'll need to prove to it to me with actions, not promises." 




> phase 2 - SHOW NO FEAR/SADNESS/ANXIETY - radiate calm and determination - 2 to 4 weeks until you have actually moved out:
> a. tell her you have found an apartment and will be moving out on X date - and make that date "soon" - let her cry/beg etc. and stay calm. Repeat the phrase - "when you are ready to call the OM with me on the phone and tell him you are done - we can talk about my plans - not before"
> b. go to LC - only discuss schedules/kid stuff etc. stop
> explaining when you will/will not be around except for times during which you have child care responsibilities
> ...


I actually have a small correction because you're right...if you move out it can be construed as abandonment of the marital home, which can lead to her getting "exclusive use" and more custody of your children. So my suggestions would be like this: 
phase 2 - SHOW NO FEAR/SADNESS/ANXIETY - radiate calm and determination - 2 to 4 weeks until you pack her things and have her move out:
a. tell her this is the MARITAL HOME and as such, there will be no connection with the adultery in this home. There will be no texting, cellphone calls or emailing from a lover in the MARITAL HOME. Since your children have their beds here, their school here, their friends here and their neighborhood here, they WILL NOT be moving out (so she has no illusions about getting an apartment and taking the kids). Since you have honored your MARITAL VOWS and brought stability to the family while she's trying to tear it apart, and since you are still to this day standing steadily for your marriage and for your family...YOU will not be moving out. Since she has abandoned the marriage for a lover... would she prefer you to leave her things in the yard or shall you call her mother to let mom know to expect her? There will be NO ADULTERY in THIS HOUSE! Make the date "soon" (she has maybe 2-3 days to decide or you'll just put her out) - let her cry/beg etc. and stay calm. Repeat the phrase - "when you are ready to call the OM with me on the phone and tell him you are done - we can talk about my plans - not before"
b. go to LC - only discuss schedules/kid stuff etc. stop 
explaining when you will/will not be around except for times during which you have child care responsibilities. Assume you will be the custodial parent, since she is the one leaving the marriage...not you.
c. Do NOT let her discuss the "relationship" with you. Rinse and repeat the refrain "when you are ready to call the OM and end it...."
d. Pack HER stuff a few days before moving - do NOT discuss the move with her, do not "remind" her, do not threaten - "just do it"! She can end the affair or she can end staying in the marital home--which does she pick...now.
e. You can cry ALL YOU WANT I know I would. But only when you are far from her and can get rid of the red eye before you see her. 



> phase 3 - you are out of the house and in LC - 4 weeks later you escalate with:
> a. Text her a short note asking if she would prefer a mediator or lawyers for the *legal separation*.
> b. If she ignores - let her know you will be filing within a week
> c. File *for legal separation as custodial parent, asking her to pay you child support*.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: ...with the slight suggestion to file for legal separation, not divorce. YOU are about reconciling the family and marriage (if possible) and if anyone is going to go the divorce route, let her do that dirty work. Meanwhile you would file for legal separation to protect yourself, the marital assets, and to be sure the best interests of the children are court enforced. This way it's not YOU being a meanie (as she'll try to make you out to be) but SOCIETY ... an objective, third party JUDGE saying that she can't just abandon her family without some consequence.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

The level of deception and how big a doormat I have been are hitting home.

Remind me why i'm giving her more time? The false hopes have been going on for months.

Right now divorce sounds good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> The level of deception and how big a doormat I have been are hitting home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It can be quite mind boggling. The more that time goes by the clearer things become. Acceptance of the deceits and lies, that people can be that way, can be very difficult but acceptance is needed to go forward.

Once we accept it all then we can see the damage, the impact of the all lies and deceits. The “affect” it all has on the person we are and how it caused us pain at our very core.

Once we understand all that lot such that it becomes “knowledge” about our life’s partner then we can make the decision as to whether to stay or leave the marriage.

Bob


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I've calmed down a bit now, did phone her up and had a bit of a rant, told her she needed to choose or I'd choose for her!

So whats the right balance to strike here? I need to be pleasant to be around but less available?

She came into the room yesterday morning and started pecking my face with kisses and asked how long I was going to stay in the room for, I said "till I have 100% of you".

I discovered she has been calling the OM, she just calls the number and hangs up, then he calls back. That way it doesnt show up on the phone records. Makes me mad that she is now calling him, told her I knew but might need to get the legal seperation sorted out soon.

What options should I go for? length, conditions, etc? I am the sole bread winner.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> I've calmed down a bit now, did phone her up and had a bit of a rant, told her she needed to choose or I'd choose for her!
> 
> So whats the right balance to strike here? I need to be pleasant to be around but less available?
> 
> ...


Well they say an Englishman’s home is his castle. She wouldn’t be in my castle while making any connection to another man. That’s a serious no no for me.

I think you are doing very well.

Bob


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The right "balance" to strike is that you are 100% committed to honoring the vow you made with her, and you expect her to honor the vow 100% with you in order to stay in the marital home with you.

Look at it this way. Your home, you, being the your kids--that makes up the side of "the marriage." When two people marry, you get their issues and illnesses and quirks....AND you get their affection, sexuality, income, the help raising kids, the emotional support, the companionship, spirituality, social life etc. That's ONE side. 

The other side is "the affair." That would be her and the OP. While she was in "the marriage" she was missing out on affection and emotions, so she went to "the affair" to get those two and added some sexuality. But she thinks she can stay in both "the marriage" (to get those needs) and in "the affair" (to get those other needs). After a while she thinks of divorce but even then she probably thinks "the marriage" will continue meeting those needs after a divorce! How may Disloyals have you heard of that said, "Let's be friends after the divorce!" and "I need you to do this FOR THE KIDS." Likewise many Disloyals think the OP will meet those other needs seamlessly because "they are my soulmate and they understand me" 

So you have the two sides in your mind right? What you are telling her is that at the wedding, she made a promise to stay on the side of "the marriage" only and you expect her to keep her promise. To keep her promise, she has to give up "the affair" 100% and the benefit to her will be that she gets her needs met that you can provide...AND you now can see that you neglected the affection and emotions and you can even meet those too! 
-OR-
She has to make a conscious decision to pick the side of "the affair", break her promise, and lose the benefits of "the marriage" (namely the house, you, time with the kids, and all the needs you do meet). As long as she's in "the affair" you are not willing to provide her with her needs. 

This is why we call it "Carrot and Stick" rather than Plan A; because you show her that you get it and CAN meet all her needs (including affection and emotions) and stop all the behaviors that hurt her (Carrot) but you will not meet those needs if she chooses the affair and she will face the consequence of her choices (Stick). See it now?

So you are like a lighthouse on a cliff, shining out light "Here how to get home honey. Here's how to rebuild our marriage. I know we made mistakes but we can work together to fix it. There's light at the end of the tunnel." On the cliff by the lighthouse are the benefits of coming to safe harbor: the home, being with the kids all the time, building a loving marriage. 

She is the ship in the middle of the storm. She's lost and directions are all mixed up. She can't tell whether to turn left or right. And the affair IS the storm--it's tossing her around. YOUR part is to shine the light to guide her, and HER part is to see the light and turn toward it. 

Now this is all allegory and metaphor, but does that help clarify things? If she is continuing the affair, via contacting the OM, then the cost for making that choice is NOT being at home, NOT having her bills paid, NOT being there to kiss her kids goodnight. She is leaving the marriage--you are still standing firmly for the marriage, in the marital home, with the the family. You will protect the interests of the family and the marriage--you would welcome her to be part of that--but you will NOT protect or contribute to the adultery. If that's her choice it is 100% up to her to shoulder that responsibility. So you're firm and steady and dependable and stable; and you demonstrate that you realize you made mistakes and you demonstrate what you've learned or how you would be different. Show her with actions that you have already changed (don't tell her...SHOW her). You be who YOU should be and allow her to experience her choices (benefits if she chooses you, costs if she chooses infidelity...and there is no such thing as "I'm confused...let me think about it." Nope! 100% off affection and loyalty to do the right thing--now or move.)


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I agree with the whole this is a married home but my wife seems all over the place. One minute she is laughing with me touching me, the next she is cold and distant. The other day she asked we'll still be friends if we break up, I just stared at her and said No!

Not too long ago I did tell her to move out and that I was cutting her off from my income. I told her that if she rejects me and the marriage then she is on her own. She started getting all worked up and accused me of being nasty, saying it was her money and her home, I had no legal right, she had nowhere to go, etc. 

She does take good care of our child, I'm at work all day so would struggle get to/from school anyway. There is no family nearby for either of us and we've only been here a year so not many friends to rely on.

I cant exactly physically remove her from the house and I know she wont go willingly. I'd love to chuck her stuff onto the street but the practicalities make it a nightmare to follow through and maintain.

Let me guess I'm being 'too nice' right?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LOL Well sort of yes. If you say to yourself, 'Well she is a good mother, and I have no way to get the kids back and forth to school...." what you're really saying is that in exchange for the services she provides, you're willing to put up with her committing adultery on your dime. 

Is her name on the mortgage? Is her name on the title/deed? Then by legal definition, you can not "kick her out" and refuse her access to the property until a judge determines exclusive use (which would be when divorce or legal separation is filed). But what you can do is say, "I can not forcibly make you move out, but I can stop financially supporting adultery. Thus, if the house is 50/50 your home, so are the bills associated with it. Beginning December 1st you will need to pay your half of the mortgage, electricity, water and heat. I will no longer pay for your cell phone service, since that's how you contact your lover--you'll have to do that. I will no longer pay for internet so you can sit on IM and send sexual chats to another man. I can go without internet, and I'd be happy to spend that time with you! You will be welcome back in our marital bed when you are coming to ME, to OUR BED, to honor our vow. If you want to be with that other man (assuming you don't have a guest bedroom), you can always choose the couch or the floor!"

Regarding getting the kids to school--let me ask you this: how do you suppose so many women work full-time and get their kids to school and back home? What might a widower do if his wife were to die suddenly? Would the kids suddenly stop going to school while he worked? No. If you were alone, raising the kids as a single dad with primary custody, you would do what single moms have done for generations: FIND A WAY!! Talk to your employer and see if you can work 9am-6pm, drop the kids off at 8am and then commute to work! Carpool with the lady next door: you drive kids TO school, she brings them home FROM school. Hire a nanny. See if there's an after-school program at your kids' school. Find a way! 

Does that make sense? Instead of thinking, "Yeah but..." think of options you **could** do so you could do it.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Yeah. I know, where there's a will there is a way. I guess I keep hoping that one she will 'wake up' I think I'm scared that if I annoy her then I'll push her even further away.

Actually the house is in my name but she has put money into it. We always joked that it was my house which she never liked so I said there is no way i'd use it against her. Having said that, she promised never to commit adultery so....

I need to rethink what I'm willing to do to save this marriage. It does sound like I'm compromising my values.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Honestly? This part is SO scary--risking it all. It feels very much like you're pushing them right into the arms of their lover! 

Here's reality though. She's already there. She's mostly trying to skate at this point--have her cake and eat it too. If you were to act like we're suggesting, it's not you telling her what to do or anything either. You're just saying, "I will only accept a spouse who gives me 100% of her affection and loyalty, like she said she would in the marriage vows. I actually expect that, and I won't accept crumbs." Then she's completely free to make up her own mind or not. 

The fact is, if you two divorce it will not be easy. She will lose some things that are near and dear to her such as being able to kiss her kids goodnight every night, spending "the Holidays" with the kids (half the time they'd be with you), and some of your other good points too. She's not seeing those "costs" right now, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. 

BTW, you can check with an attorney but if it's your name on the house, you are the owner. I could see being fair and giving her the deposit money back. I could even see giving her her portion of the equity relative to her deposit proportion (like if she put in 20k and you put in 25k, she'd get 45% of the equity you'd get 55%). But you are the owner, and as such you may have the right to place her things outside the property and change the locks (aka "kick her out"). I'm thinking the "come up with half the costs" route may be nicer and more your style, plus getting to the point of kicking her out might be better saved for when the affair is ongoing and rubbed in your face blatantly. 

Sooooooooo...on a different, side topic, were there any particular Love Extinguishers you identified and have stopped doing?


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Update:

@ affaircare - Love Extinguishers : All taken care of, she agrees. this is all about her trying to be happy.

So I moved out of the bedroom, wife didnt care, OM gave her a mobile phone which she hid from me so they could send texts to each other. At this point I concluded that I didnt need her respect and I wanted a divorce, I'd had enough.

Told her I knew about the phone and that I wanted a divorce, she said she didnt want one but was in love with the OM. She wanted to commit to our marriage but couldnt find the strength. Told she cant have both so she said she would give him up.

Did a bit of research on the medication she is on (paxil) and found lots of stories with startling similarities to my own. Discussed this with her and felt like we were getting somewhere.

Things continued off and on for a bit until she dissapeared 2 nights in a week, returning around 6am. She claimed no sex had happened, their relationship 'wasnt like that'. Told her that if she wanted my help then he had to go once and for all and that she had to start taking control of her life.

The last week she didnt come back again! This time I didnt bother confronting her, just ignored her. She started following me saying she was ill, needed help, had been having suicidal thoughts, went to see OM and got smashed. Told her she had blown her chance with me, we were done. She kept getting crawling on the floor and grabbing my leg and begging for help. Eventually left and she tried hugging me, told her to get off and went to work. She then kept calling me, texting me, told me it was me she loved al along. She then did a couple of things that she had promised many times before, one of which was to end it with the OM. This was the most genuine I'd heard her in a long time so agreed to give her another chance.

Since then there is a difference in the way she talks to me, feels like there is actually a connection that has opened up. Having said that I would have expected a lot more reassurances, apologies, effort on her part to spend time with me, etc. I havent seen any of this. Maybe she needs more time? We do hug a lot and she says she loves me but I want her to convince me that she is serious this time.

Right now I dont know wether to divorce her or give it another go. Its Christmas so I will spend it as a family. I do love her and am attracted to her but she just doesnt show much remorse or appreciation that I'm with her.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Has she written a No Contact Letter to the OM that you have signed off and mailed? Has she consented to a 24 hr schedule with random checkin with you as to her whereabouts? Has she blocked the OM phone and email and Face Book if she has one? Do you have all the methods the OM could contact her covered? 

Do you believe she is remorseful? 

Do you have any idea of what emotional need the OM was fulfilling that you now need to fulfill?

You have a long hard road but I think you have a chance .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Update:
> 
> @ affaircare - Love Extinguishers : All taken care of, she agrees. this is all about her trying to be happy.
> 
> ...



I reckon this is all based on something OM has "done". That it hasn't anything to do with what you've done or who you are.

Somehow she’s been somewhere very deep with him and she’s very frightened of what she’s seen. I also reckon she’s come up for fresh air, safety and security with you and once she’s “recovered” she’'ll go back to OM for more punishment.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Indy Nial: Reading all your posts I agree with AFEH ..



> Somehow she’s been somewhere very deep with him and she’s very frightened of what she’s seen. I also reckon she’s come up for fresh air, safety and security with you and once she’s “recovered” she’'ll go back to OM for more punishment.


Protect yourself, don't mess around, , if divorce is your route do it properly. Sometimes you have to walk away.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Nothing's been fixed at all, she's just falling back on her security blanket and money. It'll just happen again once she finds someone else or the OM starts looking like a knight in shining armor again.

File and move on at this point. If she truly wants to work things out, maybe at a later (I mean waaaaayyyy later time) when things have calmed down and you've had enough time away from her to think things through clearly. You'll never be able to make a decision that benefits you with her around. Seeing her all the time will always make you choose the wrong decision.

You might find it surprising that as the more time to spend away from her, the more clear things will look and you'll be able to make a clean break without hesitation. Cut off the cancer before it spreads and makes you a bitter, bitter person where you'll start to treat everyone as somebody that could stab you in the back.

Just think about this, if you were poor and had no money, how fast do you think she would be out the door already? If you can truly say that she would stick it out with you then there's hope. If you have to sit there and think about it then you probably already know your answer.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Lie detector test and STD tests no matter how much she denies it!!


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Update again - this one is a classic.

So as it was Christmas and for the sake of our daugheter we spent it together. She kept saying how much she wanted the marriage to work and would prove that to me if I gave her the chance. I did. We did french kiss a few time Christams day after a few glasses of champagne and I was starting to feel like we were bonding more. Still wasnt getting the attention that I was hoping for but put this down to 'small steps'. Kept expressing how conflicted I was and repeatedly asked her to be honest with me.

So New Year's Eve rolls along and there is a party at a friends house, we go and the OM is there. We had spent the evening cuddling up in front of the fire saying how 2011 would be a fresh start for us, felt good for a long time. Things started off fine we were sitting round playing a game, she was on my lap and we were joking around. She had a few drinks and then moved to sit next to him (not good), sat with her and she was still touchy feely with me so rode it out but then she got up and dissapeared into a room. The OM got up and went in the same room, by this point I was pretty drunk so wasnt quite beleiving what I saw. He then came out 10 mins later, the lights were off and she was in there so asked her what the hell was going on. She then told me it was him she wanted to be with and the she was in love with him! I couldnt beleive what I was hearing but she kept saying how they wanted to be together, I told her to at least come back home with me and think this through but she refused. I told if she went ahead with this there was no return, she said fine. She then asked the OM and me to go talk somewhere, I reluctantly followed and then sat there while she told me in front of him how much she loved him, not me, how she had never felt this way etc. I said fine, lets sort out the divorce then. She then said she was going to move in with him, we would split daughter equally etc.

I then left about 11:30 very drunk and very pissed off. Went home by myself and went to bed while everyone else welcomed in the New Year! I didnt sleep at all then at about 7am there is a knock on the door - guess whos back! I ask her what she wants and that she should go back. She then tells me with a big smile on her face that its me she wants, they didnt even kiss and that its well and truly over with the OM. Says she woke up and all she wanted to do was be with me, I was her other half, there is no way she would ever be happy with anyone but me. She tells me everything she said last night was nonsense, she thought she meant it but had a 'breakthrough' and realised how much she really loved me.

I'm still drunk and very tired at this point so just go back to bed she follows up and repeats what she said. I dont know why but she says the right words, words that I'd been wanting to hear for a long time so we hug and suddenly everything seems right again. She then sends a lengthy text which she asks me to read before sending. Its very firm and black and white that despite the feelings she has nothing can ever shake the deep bond she has with her husband. She then phones him to make sure he read and understood the message. she then gives me the mobile he had given her and tells me to take it to him and ask him to leave us alone. I do and he looks pretty much forlorn and promises to stay away.

It isnt until I later on in the evening that I start thinking that I havent really had time to process anything. She asks how can I cuddle her after what she has done and realise she has a point. I tell her I need to think things through but am too hungover to think about anything. I wake up the next day and for some reason check her phone records, she called him again in the evening. I ask her about this and she says she just wanted to make sure he was OK. I ask her what is going on, why does she even care? I get a blank look. At that point my gut is twisting, she makes more promises asks me to at least give her a month.

I leave, go for a long drive and process what has been going on. The only conclusion I can come to is that there is just no way this marriage stands a chance. I've been gone a fair few hours but no texts or phone call asking me where I am. When I get back she is very quiet and withdrawn, I know whats coming so ask has she made a decision. She then tells me she wants a divorce because she doesnt love me any more! I ask what yesterday was all about and she tells me none of it was true, she is just scared but that she needs to take a chance.

Just feeling numb right now and struggling to beleive the amount of crap I've swallowed and how someone that I have been a lover nad best friend to for almost 11 years can do this to me.

Bottom line? Trust your gut and your head, your heart just leads you through fairy land.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Update again - this one is a classic.
> 
> So as it was Christmas and for the sake of our daugheter we spent it together. She kept saying how much she wanted the marriage to work and would prove that to me if I gave her the chance. I did. We did french kiss a few time Christams day after a few glasses of champagne and I was starting to feel like we were bonding more. Still wasnt getting the attention that I was hoping for but put this down to 'small steps'. Kept expressing how conflicted I was and repeatedly asked her to be honest with me.
> 
> ...




OK, I gotta ask, What the Hell are you doing? She's stringing you all over the UK, and you're letting her! DROP HER ASS already! She apparently doesn't love you or your daughter or respect either one of you! MAN! Don't you think you deserve better than this cheap *****? I _know_ you do! Plus she's exposing you to STD's including AIDs!

If she really wanted you, she'd have gone NC with the OM by now! The reason she's stringing you along is so she doesn't lose her meal ticket! Also she's using you as her "backup plan", you're her "fallback" guy incase things don't work out with her and OM, that's all! Don't allow her to blame and manipulate you anymore for her actions, or her affair!

Get a very good Lawyer, because you're going to need it in the UK!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I'm just waiting for the next juicy update, still got my bag of popcorn waiting for it.

You should have slammed the door in her face and gone back to sleep. BTW 10 minutes in a room with OM alone and in the dark, I'll give you 1 guess what they were doing.....


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Thats f - up is all I will say on this. 


:wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> She says she doesnt know how, wont read books, refuses to go to counseling and doesnt even search online.
> 
> She thinks we should just talk between ourselves and spend time with each other but I've seen no real effort on her part to do anything.
> 
> ...


Hey Indy Nial, just a reminder of your very first post. You wrote that in November, and since then have had two full months for her to demonstrate she is choosing the marriage and choosing you. What she has succeeded in doing is continuing her affair for two more months at basically no consequence to her. 

Now I would like you to think about something for me. Can you think of one thing you really would like to do? I have an example for myself that I'll use, and that is that I would really like to take the time every night to read my Bible. Now, if I really, ACTUALLY do want to do that...do I wait for weeks doing nothing? Do I avoid it and not change anything? Or do I start pretty much right away and do something different...say tonight? And even if tonight doesn't go perfectly, I'll try something new again tomorrow night? Or if I don't start right this minute, do I at least learn more and plan HOW to do it so I can do a good job? When you really want to do something, does it take you two months? 

No. Not really. If you want to do it, you pretty much do it right away. If you DON'T really want to do it but you don't want to say "no"...then you'd hem and haw and avoid, huh? 

Sound familiar? 

So here's my suggestion--bearing in mind that I am pro-marriage: Right now your wife doesn't really want to end the affair. Know why? She has some of her needs met by you and some of her needs met by the OM, and there has basically been no consequence to her. When you train a dog, you can train it by doing something positive (a treat) when it does the action (like going potty outside), and reinforce that by doing something negative when it does not do the action. I'm not saying your wife is a dog, but the theory on a basic level is similar! 

So your "something positive" would be demonstrating to your wife that you realize some of your actions were harmful, you're willing to change, and you're able to change right now. In other words, you can do the things that kindled love in the first place, and you can also identify and stop doing the things that are sort of putting that flame of love out. At the same time, the "something negative" would be letting her know that you expect her to live up to her vows to forsake all others and give you 100% of her affection and loyalty today, or you will pack her things and call her mom to come get her. There's no more "thinking about it" or "I just need time"....nope. She's had two months to end this and do it right, and any woman who's going to be with you is going to be 100% faithful! 

Up to this point she's strung you along and enabled her affair by going to you--you get hopeful--give her a chance--she goes back to OM--back and forth, on and on. So as of tonight, that is over. Either she writes (not emails...not texts) the No Contact Letter, changes her phone number, and gives you all her passwords etc. TONIGHT, or she packs and you call her mom TONIGHT. 

Okay?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Darth is right. She is a train wreck. Get her out of your house asap. Cut off all finances and go dark.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

This is all just so surreal, cant process it, haven't slept properly since New Years. Not because I'm in pain, simply because its all so crazy. Makes no sense.

- tells me there is nothing this other guy does that I don't
- admits that I've made changes to myself and can see those
- there are no major marital problems
- says we had a great marriage and that for 10 years she never looked at another man

This is literally and purely about the 'in love' feeling she has for this guy. They both seem to think they are in some fairy tale. She also tells me that she cant sleep with the OM sober, says she has to be totally drunk 

She still wants a divorce because she is so in love with him, more than anyone. I also want a divorce, just want off this crazy roller coaster and signed the paperwork etc. Letter will be sent out this week.

I came back this evening and had a weird talk with her. She says she loves me, do I love her? Tells me she cares deeply for me (had to laugh at that point) and wants me to be happy! Then that if I want to move out of the house and find an apartment the OM will pay the mortgage on our house until it sells!!

During this talk out 7yr old daughter is running round asking us not to divorce, writing down 'Do no devorse'. Breaks my heart. Feel like I'm in some bizarre dream.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That's certainly crazy frustrating. I'd suggest to you that affair care's strategy is the right one. Right now, you are letting her insanity control the pace of things, which is a mistake.

This is really about you controlling the pace. First off, why on earth would you have stayed at a party where the other man was at? That's not cool. Second, her and him going into the other room together would have created rage in me, and both of them would have known it. 

To me this speaks of a bunch of passive behaviour. Ask her to leave RIGHT NOW. Tell her that you don't want to be around her. Tell her that you'll decide what happens next and that the OM can go f*ck himself. Take charge. It's time for you to control your own life! Make it clear to her that the OM is an enemy and any fantasy she has of you all getting along is dellusional.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I came back this evening and had a weird talk with her. She says she loves me, do I love her? Tells me she cares deeply for me (had to laugh at that point) and wants me to be happy!


FOG-BABBLE TRANSLATION: I want you to do "be happy" so I can soothe my conscience and not feel so miserable about what I've done to you purposely. I want you to "find someone else" too so I don't feel like my adultery hurt people. Plus, then I can sort of blame my adultery on you!



> Then that if I want to move out of the house and find an apartment the OM will pay the mortgage on our house until it sells!!


FOG-BABBLE TRANSLATION: In my foggy affairland, if you would only go away discreetly (fade, stage left) then I could have OM step right into your place and we would be star-crossed lovers who fought against obstacles to fulfill our destiny of being together! (Please read "What's Going On in Affairland" on our site--especially the "Affair Fantasy" part). 

In real life so far, she has managed to string both of you along and prolong her affair for two more months. She's done a good job. Now, she wants to continue having no cost to her, and in fact, you step out so the OM can just seamlessly step into your spot. To this I say a resounding *NO!*

NO! This home is the MARITAL HOME. If she wants to break her marital vow, then SHE has to pack and move out...preferably tonight. The cost is HERS, not yours.

NO! Your 7yo does not move with her. This is the 7yo's HOME and the 7yo is not leaving the family--mom is. So the 7yo stays in his/her home, bed, neighborhood, school, etc. and if her mother doesn't want to keep her vow and wants to break up the family, then the cost to her is that she loses the privilege of putting her child to bed at night at least part of the time. The cost is HERS, not yours. 

NO! You do not move out of the marital home. You want(ed) to stay in the marriage. If she has made the decision to break her promise to you and break up the family, then she bears the burden of packing, finding a place, paying for the deposit, getting furnishings for the child to stay over, etc. The cost is HERS, not yours. 

Are you kind of seeing where I'm going with this? So far, she has been able to have some of her needs met by you in exchange for crumbs, have some of her needs met by the OM, and had no real cost/consequence for choosing to break her vow to you and destroy her family. So far the message to her is "It's okay to do this. It may hurt a few people a little but really, you won't have to do anything hard. You can completely get away with this." I *strongly suggest* that you change that and pronto! Allow her to experience the natural consequences of her choice to divorce!! It is the only way she can learn that divorce will cost her!!

Please, Indy Nial, she is an adult. Give her the respect of letting HER deal with the cost of HER choices! That is the most loving thing you can do for her--let her grow up.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

You're both right, just been in shock lately. Told her last night that I couldn't do this anymore. We're not friends and that she destroyed everything we worked so hard to build over the last 10 years. Said what she was doing was sick and I didn't know how she could live with herself. Told her to move out as I didn't want to be around her.

She didn't respond, so went to bed. 10 mins later she storms up throwing all kinds of accusations at me, my fault, etc. Calmly told her that I have changed and was willing to face up to any shortcomings. She walked off saying the damage had already been done. I didn't bother chasing her and went to sleep.

In the morning she quietly asks if we are repairble. I remind her what she said last night, she tells me she didn't mean it. She then comes over to me puts her Hands on either side of my head, looks me in Tue eyes and says this is crazy we love each other. Comes back a few mins later and sits next to me carresing me,.resting her head against mine, the whole time I'm just sitting there not saying a word. She then says can we really let each other go.

I get up and get ready to leave the house, she stops me and asks for a hug, I look her in the eyes and say no then walk out the house.

Don't forget to tune in next time for more insanity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This is getting GOOD!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She sees that she may very well come out of this little fantasy of hers empty-handed.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Need some advice...

I've asked her to move out and she flat out refuses. I've tried explaining to her how it makes me feel to know she is throwing our marriage away and spending time with the OM but still trying to live in OUR home. She said she waould sort something out but when I told her she couldnt take our daughter with her she refused to move out.

I've told her its insane for us to live under the same roof, hasnt she done enough damage, etc. She said why dont I move out? I told her that as long as she was in contact with the OM then I wanted nothing to do with her, she wasnt my freind just someone I used to know.

The problem is that our house isnt exactly big, not easy to avoid each other and there is a bit of an atmosphere, I dont know how long I can keep this up. Sure she has screwed me around and I should be mad as hell but I do still love her (no idea why) and find it hard not want to talk, hug her.

The divorce could take awhile and this is going to drive us both up the wall, cant have a good effect on our daughter.

My wife seems to think she is doing nothing wrong, its her house too, she isnt having sex with anyone and she stopped drinking.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If that house is legally yours, then put her stuff outside or in storage (pay for a month of storage and hand her the key).

Change the locks on your place.

File at least for separation or divorce, include a petition about child custody.

Get all of this on the record and going. Even if you somehow get back together.

What she did New Year's was quite toxic and ON PURPOSE.

Snap out of it, she is not a good wife and never will be.

PROTECT YOUR KID, YOUR HOME, YOUR ASSETS, YOUR LIFE.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

The house is in my name but my legal advice has been there is no way I can kick her out as she is entitled to it by default. Its not going to look good in court if I kick my out of work, single mother with no income onto the streets!

Its not like I can physically remove her and things would get very ugly very quickly.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have to go completely dark with her. Spend time with your daughter. Give her no financial support what so ever. Put the house up for sale asap. Short sale if necessary. You must not leave. She will not leave. What other way is there? Your daughter will start to really suffer if the interaction you are having with your wife continues.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Agreed, you don't leave the house! She cheated, she leaves!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She keeps insisting to you that she is 'sick'. Insist that she undergoes an evaluation.

She needs to be uncomfortable. You need to be the source of that discomfort.
Open your own bank account, limit her access to funds. Disable internet access when you aren't home. Start ACTING like you are going to put a stake in the heart of this thing. The fact that she simply expects you to tolerate this crap is absolutely beyond the pale.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

As you have mentioned, you can not "force" her out of the house. Well..okay let's be blunt. You COULD. You could pack her things into a box, put the box in the yard, and change the locks while she's at work...but that would be pretty darn drastic. 

I usually recommend that you pack some luggage, calmly, then call her parents or sister and say "<Wife> has been committing adultery for X months now. I've tried to work with her to end the affair, and asked her to do the right thing, but she refuses to end the affair, so will you please come get her? She will need a place to stay while she's committing adultery, and that will not be here in our marital home in front of the baby/children. What time can you be here to get her?" 

By doing this, you sort of accomplish a few things. A) She can't say "I have nowhere to go!" Yes she does...her mom or sister's house. They're coming to get her. She will not be "in the street." B) You make it clear you won't accept adultery in the marital home...VERY clear! C) You allow her to experience the consequence of her choice. She has the choice to do the right thing and continue to enjoy the benefits of you (including the home)...OR she has the choice to continue the adultery in which case it is the OM's job now to take care of her. Soooo...let him step up! What? You mean she expects a commitment and expects him to pay her bills and whatnot now? Shoot--he only wanted into her pants! And she will see that faster when she's in the position to lose the benefits of you. Can you see that?

Finally, if she absolutely refuses to leave--I mean after all, you can not tie her up and drag her away--then her items are in the living room, she's not in your bed, you close down joint accounts and credit cards and open your own personal account, and she is on her own. Now is the time for YOU to step to the plate and arrange for child care for your child, and arrange to get them there and picked up as if you were a single father. 

SHE is choosing to leave the family. Give her the respect of allowing her to see what her choice will cost and what it will be like. It's not the "Affair Fantasy" she has in her head. Okay?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> In the morning she quietly asks if we are repairble. I remind her what she said last night, she tells me she didn't mean it.


That's the SECOND time she said that. You are her meal ticket and even though she stopped loving you she still needs you. She is scared to go out on her own and that fear is motivating her to kiss you butt.




> She then comes over to me puts her Hands on either side of my head, looks me in Tue eyes and says this is crazy we love each other.


Another lie, if she actually loved you she NEVER would had said all those things before, it would never had crossed her mind.



> I get up and get ready to leave the house, she stops me and asks for a hug, I look her in the eyes and say no then walk out the house.


Good.

Look, the affair won't be over for a long while yet. It takes months, if not a couple of years of NC to get over an affair and she is still deep into it. Your only real option is to run like hell and don't look back. She loves to lie to you and is only concerned with herself. She has no respect for you and you shouldn't have any respect for her. Time to get angry at the situation and protect yourself by getting away from her.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

So thought I'd update, no major stories I'm afraid just lots of surreal moments.

So I filed for divorce, don't forget she is the one that told me 3 times now she doesn't love me and wants a divorce. As soon as she got the letter she sent a text saying "you'll soon be rid of your disgusting ***** of a wife, hope you're happy"

There have been plenty of I love you's to me, hugs, things like what am I doing, I'm making a huge mistake, etc. The other day she told me she was getting very religious then said did I want to grow old with her? I just laughed.

She has now told me that the OM is going to rent her a house that she can live in and will move out in a couple of weeks with our daughter, he wont be living there for awhile. She still maintains the only times she has had sex with him were when she was drunk. She seems to think this makes it OK. (if its even the truth)

My emotions are stabilising, I know that divorce is the right thing to do. I've done absolutely everything to save the marriage but she jut isn't interested. After all the stuff she has put me through I just don't see how I could trust her. I'm also starting to realise just how much she has messed me around when she knew the whole time she wasn't interested.

So why do I still care? I dont think I'm "in love" but I do love her. I know she loves me but the affair rush is too much for her to let go. Whatever happens I know I need time to get over this emotional period of my life and I don't see how I can do that with her in my life.

Most of the time I feel fine, strong and in control, I'm civil to her but not distant. Yet I have moments where I remember the 'old' wife and want a hug and talk to her, try and make her see sense. 

I've joined a gym and am able to start thinking about other things other than the constant WTF is happening to me. I think once she has moved out I'll get hit by the reality and mourn what I've lost but at least it will be progress. Living under the same roof as her makes it impossible to move on and get that closure.

I've told her I want nothing to do with her once she moves out but do I keep the door open if she wants to come back? Maybe a year or 2 apart is what we need to sort ourselves out and start again? I don't want to lose our family home or be separated from my daughter but I don't feel there is any other option than to divorce. The idea of separating so she can test out if she really wants the OM with me as a fall-back is not something I could tolerate.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You need to prepare yourself. She IS going to offer to come back after she moves out. But that will be driven by the desire for financial security - not love. Sorry - but all of her "back and forth" has been driven by her desire to feel love "with the OM" and her fear of losing the security of your financial support. Full stop. That isn't going to change. While you cannot stop her back and forth you can stop tolerating it. 

Prepare yourself to follow the LC approach. In fact stick with that from today forward. You can discuss "terms of divorce, schedules, etc. but that is it". NOTHING about feelings, the wish for a different outcome. You are purely a human ATM to her. Sorry man - wish it wasn't so. The most important thing for you to do immediately after she moves out is to start dating. You don't need to jump into a heavy relationship - just go meet other women and have fun. But no matter what in your next relationship, insist on respect and end it fast if you aren't getting it. 




Indy Nial said:


> So thought I'd update, no major stories I'm afraid just lots of surreal moments.
> 
> So I filed for divorce, don't forget she is the one that told me 3 times now she doesn't love me and wants a divorce. As soon as she got the letter she sent a text saying "you'll soon be rid of your disgusting ***** of a wife, hope you're happy"
> 
> ...


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

What's LC? Anyway, its not about the money the OM is better off financially than me. He can afford to rent 2 home and will cover all her legal fees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

"limited communication" - you only discuss terms of divorce, and schedules. 




Indy Nial said:


> What's LC? Anyway, its not about the money the OM is better off financially than me. He can afford to rent 2 home and will cover all her legal fees.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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