# Boundaries and Communication



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

For those who seem in a quandary how, when, of if to share with their partner desires, passions and intimate preferences, I can only say my experience with my wife has been positive by being totally open in our sharing with one another. We trust one another and have found we can open up to one another with our deepest desires and found a safe place of acceptance. 
We've found we have opened a wonderful place where we can share on every level - physical, emotional, intellectual - and have discovered new things about each other and ourselves. 
Our intimate sex life is full and each can indulge the other in fulfilling desires. Desires, I might add, that might not be considered standard issue like bondage, erotic tickling, spanking and other spices on the sexual menu.
The key has been communication and acceptance from each for one another. It makes all things possible.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

That is an amazing thing to share. And very important. 

Sometimes things can be embarrassing to discuss, even with your best friend, life partner, spouse (all rolled into one person)

I'm very happy for you and grateful for your being here to give advice as well.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Maneo said:


> For those who seem in a quandary how, when, of if to share with their partner desires, passions and intimate preferences, I can only say my experience with my wife has been positive by being totally open in our sharing with one another. We trust one another and have found we can open up to one another with our deepest desires and found a safe place of acceptance.
> We've found we have opened a wonderful place where we can share on every level - physical, emotional, intellectual - and have discovered new things about each other and ourselves.
> Our intimate sex life is full and each can indulge the other in fulfilling desires. Desires, I might add, that might not be considered standard issue like bondage, erotic tickling, spanking and other spices on the sexual menu.
> The key has been communication and acceptance from each for one another. It makes all things possible.


This all sounds wonderful untill the fight starts.....

I am a pervert, because at 19, I wanted to examine my wifes vagina....closely....

If I watch an interracial porn video, I am craving black penis, and my penis, which delivered literally thousands of PIV orgasms to her over the years, is suddenly my inadequate dic&...

Oh, I forgot one...I am too thick to have anal with her, something she often wanted to try, and when she is in the mood, my finger in her backside hastens her orgasms...But when she is pi$$ed, it is a sure sign I am gay!!!!!

Yes, reveal all, show your soft underbelly, but in the mean time, grow a thick skin, sooner or later you will need it....You pervert 


Yes, when she drops out of the red zone, she retracts her angry words, but boy can she dish out the $hit......


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Woodchuck said:


> This all sounds wonderful untill the fight starts.....
> 
> I am a pervert, because at 19, I wanted to examine my wifes vagina....closely....
> 
> ...


Unfortunately THIS IS what so many are met with here...it's just not so easy...not by a long shot... So many flooded with 

*1.* Very painful Mismatched Libidos ....not understanding each others needs 
*2*. Sexless marriages (10 or less encounters a year)... 
*3.* Inhibitions / Repression from youth interfering with getting out of Vanilla zone..
*4.* Attraction issues 
*5.* Resentment sucking their intimacy dry
*6. *Wives feeling their husbands are Perverts/ sex hounds 
*7.* Brawls over Porn usage ~ women not feeling loved 
*8*. Some addicted to Porn & ignoring their wives
*9*. Meds that have sucked the passion out of their drives for their partner

...and the list goes on & on.

Yes Maneo....it SHOULD be this way... how beautiful if would be ....but it takes 2 willing to put their hearts together & GIVE to each other ....this is how me & mine are also, but even at that... there are still some things he can't seem to step it up in that I would love to experience... but it's OK, we still talk about it all, nothing held back...so there's always hope.... 

We are a couple who DIDN'T open up about the sexual for many years, took a taboo approach & because of this, we REALLY missed each other...just something that should have never been....BECAUSE of a lack of communication in this 1 ever so important blessid enjoyment in life.......









In every other area ...we were as Open as any book could be ...It was our biggest marital blunder. 

Some couples need alot more to wade through before they can get to the "GO" in this receptive communication stage though.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

excellent summary SimplyAmorous. 
And why is it we couples seem to find it so difficult to be open and honest when it comes to sex - listening to and responding to our partner's needs and desires and being able to freely express our own. Why can we share so much on so many other levels and run into a wall when it concerns sex?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Maneo said:


> excellent summary SimplyAmorous.
> And why is it we couples seem to find it so difficult to be open and honest when it comes to sex - listening to and responding to our partner's needs and desires and being able to freely express our own. Why can we share so much on so many other levels and run into a wall when it concerns sex?


I am having trouble with this myself in my realtionship.

I have trouble communicating because I fear it 'ocking the boat' so to speak. That's for two reasons:

A) because in my past relationship it did rock the boat, so I'm still trying to overcome that mental block that was built in me by my ex-wife.

B) My fiancee gets quickly defensive of discussing most things sexually. She tends to take things as being a problem, when it's not a problem, but rather something to work on. This is a reaction from past lovers and her ex-husband, all of whom complained about sex.

Additionally, my fiancee did suffer a CSA experience, and was IMO and hers sexually manipulated during her marriage, so sex has lost some of it's luster so to speak for her. It doesn't carry fond memories in the past and even for a period of time with us. 

I think it's easier to communicate about something you have a fond overall experience with. If you have a great trip to Hawaii, you don't mind at all discussing it, where you'd like to travel next, what you'd have done different, etc. If you went to Hawaii and it poured down rain the whole time, you had a terrible flight and you spent half the time puking due to the flu, not only are you not as likely to talk about it, you're not as likely to look fondly on travelling again in the future.

I think those who have had a better overall sexlife tend to be open to communicating on it, both regarding the past and the future.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> This all sounds wonderful untill the fight starts.....
> 
> I am a pervert, because at 19, I wanted to examine my wifes vagina....closely....
> 
> ...


Ha...sounds all too familiar. The last outburst my wife had, she brought up all of my recent revealings to her...
Oh, all I want is anal, I like to beat off to Asian women, all I ever want to do is f*ck every 5 minutes...then while sarcastically mocking a stripper, she begs me for to come f*ck her while rubbing her breasts and crotch.
Last time this happened, I frustratingly grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to sit in the chair she was standing up from and told her to calm the f*ck down.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think Woodchuck has a point (to a degree). My ex-wife wasn't as bad as he's describing, but she didn't accept any of my sexual desirings either. Heck, to her masturbation was bad, and I shouldn't have been doing it either. I actually had to hid that from her (yes, I was very nieve back in those days), so talking about anything kinky wasn't going to be recieved in a positive way.

After a while you get browbeat into not doing that anymore. It's hard to get out of that. It's been five years and only in the last few months have I really felt open enough to talk about anything I like and want much really. I had an open communication pathway with my fiancee, but I think TAM has really helped me to understand that it really is ok to talk about things openly. That said, I'm still having trouble with it and it's a slow process. I don't know how some people like Woodchuck or Indy, who are with the women who browbeat them in the first place, get back to a place of open communication. I'm with another woman altogether and I find it hard.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Ah, IndyTM, the oft used, highly questionable tactic of using in an argument the deep, personal things shared between husband and wife. What I call "pillow talk" - the sort of "these are my deepest, darkest desires" sort of things. 
The more we open ourselves up to another the more easily we can be hurt.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Maneo said:


> The more we open ourselves up to another the more easily we can be hurt.


And that answers your question for post #5


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Ah, IndyTM, the oft used, highly questionable tactic of using in an argument the deep, personal things shared between husband and wife. What I call "pillow talk" - the sort of "these are my deepest, darkest desires" sort of things.
> The more we open ourselves up to another the more easily we can be hurt.


Therein lies the problem. How do you get to the point that these things do not hurt? How does one person help another to open up?

I was deeply hurt. So deeply it changed my life. What can be done? Educate myself and make the first move away? That seems to be what my ex did. She told me, told me in the beginning she was a runner. What a fool I was not to take that as a serious flaw.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Maneo said:


> excellent summary SimplyAmorous.
> *And why is it we couples seem to find it so difficult to be open and honest when it comes to sex - listening to and responding to our partner's needs and desires and being able to freely express our own.* Why can we share so much on so many other levels and run into a wall when it concerns sex?


Just keep reading here, the few responses you got other than mine speak volumes, how very easily women are OFFENDED by men's desires, repulsed even. 

The battle of the sexes, they do NOT understand each other.. much of this is our hormonal make up, the differences in testosterone is a culprit (our lust hormone). This is a great book all women should take the time to read ...to get some idea how MEN think, fantasize, their sexual dreams & erotic fantasies... 

Men in Love: Nancy Friday: Books



> Men In Love develops a startlingly honest portrayal of what it means to be a man in contemporary America. Here are the unexpurgated dreams, fantasies and fetishes that excite and obsess men today. In creating this historic study, Nancy Friday listened -- without disapproval, apology or censorship -- to the candid responses of thousands of men aged fourteen through sixty.
> 
> She gave them a legitimate arena where they could share their "secret gardens" -- the hidden and forbidden but nonetheless real and true. Much more than a litany of erotica, this unique volume doesn't tell us how men should love. It tells us how men do love -- a stunning insight into the desires that dwell within men's psyches... and their hearts.


Also







is so very personal...it is emotional for many men (the good ones anyway), when their wives repeatedly push them away, it cuts like a knife...the one they love most in this world repeatedly rejects their affection, takes a little flirting as though they are hapless pigs...so they back away. 

We fear speaking our hearts, we fear being judged for our desires if we share...(like many stores on here)....so many are left scrambling how to build a bridge of understanding. Many just back away...tell themselves its not worth the grief. 

Some just want off the merry go round. 

In OUR marriage, it was a combination of ME being "repressed" / too much purity thinking that followed me into my marriage, feeling certain acts were dirty (wanted the lights out, under a sheet, masterbation talk- OMG I would have turned as red as a lobster.. just so taboo... ...plus having my mind on kids & projects (though I LOVED sex, felt it was greatest pleasure on earth), he always felt that from me when we were together, even if we didn't talk about it. 

On his end....He was too quiet & OVERLY sensitive, more than most men...almost needing some cue that I wanted him too - or he might roll over at night, so I didn't know he was suffering. He never caused 1 fight over sex. Not the normal story here by any stretch. 

When I wanted it...I wasn't shy about coming on to him... he always knew if he waited it out, I would be all over him. ( I just didn't crave it AS MUCH as him)... But still....he started to build some silent resentment towards me...he hated my books and I would put the babies in bed with us. He never said a word ! I wasn't the brightest bulb around back then !! 

Like I said, our lack of communicating was criminal... 

We come to learn... he never masterbated waiting for me our entire marriage ... I was shocked!.. he felt like that was cheating (his words)... and here I did ..... so I told him I was a cheater then .... 

Well who the hell knew ! I was thinking he wouldn't want woke up in the middle of the night when I was frisky...and he was thinking I was lower drive !! Again...Ridiculous. Now we are older, our best years are behind us... but thank God we have NOW.

If everyone's story was as silly as ours, it would surely be easier to solve. Now we love to talk about sex, our favorite subject, it never runs dry.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think you are a rare one for your sex SA. No offense to women, but I think in general, woman are much more tight lipped about sex and judgemental about what their spouses suggest. Not all women, and not all men are open to discussing it either, but it seems men are more open to talking about it, and hearing feedback, than women.

As such I think that the issue of sexual communication needs to improve more from a woman's perspective than from men's, on a whole.

I think if both men and women were like you SA, things would be WAY better in this world.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't know that it ever doesn't hurt or at least hold the potential for hurt. 
I think that is the great leap we have to make in love and marriage or some might call it the great risk we take - to trust another to accept us as we open up to them and to trust us enough to open themselves up.
And all too often, as evidenced by the sad tales told in the divorce and other discussion threads in this forum the trust is broken and we wonder if the risk is worth taking.
I think it is.


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