# Live porn/chat and porn in general



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Most of you know my story. 14 yrs married, completely sexless for 6, back to having sex again for almost a month. Baby steps toward recovering our relationship. I know he's not going to just start loving me again overnight.

I know internet porn pretty much was his mistress during those 6 yrs (and even before that). He got pretty good at erasing evidence once he knew I knew. I figure he was watching at least 2-3 times per week based on how often he was clearing his history and internet files/cookies. 

Last night I decided to snoop on his computer to see if he had been watching porn since we have been having sex again. He has - about once a week. One time I was out of town - fair enough. 

This last time though, he forgot to clear his history and I got a look at what he's actually looking at. Live sex cams where a woman does stuff online and men chat with her (I have no idea if he was doing any chatting). I had come to grips with the fact that men look at porn and it's just images - but this live thing really hurts me. Especially since he rejected me for sex that evening - although we had sex the following morning. Now I know why.

Should I just let it go and be happy that he's having sex with me and slowly building intimacy again. I want to set some sort of boundaries with the porn - like no live porn/chat but I feel like I should let it go since we are on such thin ice as it is and he would know I was snooping if I brought up the live porn topic.

In addition to the live porn thing (is that common?) how often do men look at porn while in a healthy frequent sex relationship? We have sex about 3-4 times a week - I would prefer daily but I don't want to push him and every other day seems good for him. I am the agressor 80% of the time.

Just trying to determine if I should feel threatened by all this. Reassurances by those of you of the opposite sex that this is normal behavior would go a long way toward easing my mind.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Personally I would draw the line at live porn/chat. But if you can wait until you have a more solid foundation, then pick a time and place that will be the least threatening for him.

You said you initiate sex 80% of the time, and that it's been a struggle in regard to intimacy in your relationship. It sounds as if you are making all the effort. Are you really going to remain happy in a one-sided relationship?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Personally I would draw the line at live porn/chat. But if you can wait until you have a more solid foundation, then pick a time and place that will be the least threatening for him.
> 
> You said you initiate sex 80% of the time, and that it's been a struggle in regard to intimacy in your relationship. It sounds as if you are making all the effort. Are you really going to remain happy in a one-sided relationship?


No, if it remains one sided I won't be happy. But there have been signs lately that he might be changing a bit so I remain hopeful. At some point I will start backing off of initiating so much and see if he steps up.

I agree that I should wait a bit longer to talk to him about porn boundaries. I was hoping he wasn't doing the porn thing now that he was having sex with me (silly me) but I can see how it would be hard for him to give that up after so many years. At least it's not as frequent.

We still are very tenuous, and who knows if our marriage will survive after being so dead for so long. At least he's trying right now.


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## qbert (Mar 31, 2010)

I'm a man who's not really that into porn. Though I watch it occasionally.

I don't want you to just accept it if it really hurts you. Never accept something that hurts you.

I will say, though, that I think for men (maybe not all, but I would be one of them) and probably women, too, think porn has nothing to do with the relationship and it doesn't feel like cheating, either.

For example, I only have eyes for my wife. I would never cheat, not only out of respect for her, but I'm just not interested in being with anyone but my wife. If I watch porn, it's just that horny feeling of watching sex. I could even see watching the chat thing and still being able to disconnect it from reality. I don't know, maybe your husband is attracted and thinking about a particular woman and that's dangerously close to cheating, but maybe he's just watching 'sex' and not thinking so much about it. It's not INTIMATE the way making love to my wife is. It's just a release. Like if I punch a punching bag, it's not because I'm imagining smashing a particular person's face in, it just feels good to release that energy, that aggression, etc. If I stay up late to watch a regular movie by myself, it's not just because I don't want to spend time watching it with my wife, it's just a relaxing thing to do and a nice release to spend time by myself.

Does he know that you know that he watches porn? If so, maybe ask him why he does it (in a non-judgemental, angry way) and I bet you'll get a straight answer. Ask him if it has anything to do with his attraction to you, too.

I really hope this clears up for you. I don't want you to be hurt anymore by it. I'm sure your husband wouldn't want you to be hurt either.


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## qbert (Mar 31, 2010)

I should also say that when I DO look at porn, I'm imagining my wife there, not the woman in the video. And all of my fantasies are my wife.


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