# Hold on this is gonna be a wild ride



## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

If I were to list all of the outside challenges to our marriage, I would break the internet. IE would only display 'internet is full - call CantGetRight. I'm going to stick to the big stuff but it still may be a lot. 

We have been married for 16+ years. I am so very fortunate to have married my best friend. For the first ten years of our marriage it was just us. We wanted children desperately. We got them in a big way. Our triplets were born the morning after our tenth anniversary. We were so good at parenting back then. We lived by the schedule and it worked. Most of all, we appreciated each other. Love is an understatement; it was always so much more than that.

When the kids started mother’s day out, (can see the early changes with 20/20 vision now) Michelle found the outside world again. She was social and involved. At three, the kids could be a part of the public head start program so we signed them up. It was more difficult for her to remain social because she had nothing in common with the people they were attending school with. We simply live in two different worlds.

This is when I can first see the early signs of social retreat. The more the children were away, the more she stayed in. Financially, it was tough but I have a decent income so we got by. More money is always better but we weighed the price of that and decided it was better for her to remain home to take care of the kids when they were not in school. Life wasn't as good as it ever was but we remained hopeful and committed. It worked for us.

Almost two years ago I began having health issues. I had severely damaged discs in my neck. It took three months or so before I was unable to cope with the pain and I began seeking treatment. (enter train wreck) My father in law was taken from us in October that year in an accident. There were no goodbyes, just gone. He meant a so much to my wife and me. How can we move on when there seems to be so much heartache around us? 

Life never gives you the option to stop while you’re still living it. In November I had a medical procedure to look more closely at the damage in my cervical spine. The doctor that was performing the procedure had a needle in my spine when he stuck my sciatic nerve. When the pain hit, I was in tears immediately. The doctor then left the room, with the needle still buried in my nerve and went for help. I lay on the table and asked God to forgive me for my sins and to please take me because I couldn't bear this pain. I'll spare you the rest of the details but it got worse from there. It was traumatic to put it mildly.

Three days after Christmas I had surgery to fuse three vertebrae together. The surgery was great. Physically I was much better. Emotionally, I was a time bomb. I began seeing a psychiatrist in February. He is amazing. He instantly recognized the signs of PTSD and began treatment. I was put on a low dose of Paxil to stabilize my mood. The first two weeks were great. Then I found out that I don't metabolize Paxil well and after two weeks of good times my body had very high levels of the drug still in my system. We stopped Paxil and took a couple of weeks and then started an even lower dose of Abilify. Picked up the prescription at Walgreens and never saw that the pharmacist filled it for 20mg instead of 2mg. I was supposed to take 4mg a day and was taking 40mg. 30 mg is the highest dose the manufacturer suggest. Needless to say, it was not pretty after being on the high dose for 6 days. Somehow we made it through again. I have some lingering effects from the Abilify episode and worse Walgreens insurance company took a single statement that I made and more or less dismissed the claim. I had no choice but to hire an attorney. I fear we will end up in court before it’s over. Walgreens sucks donkey balls! (sorry but they do)

All of that and we were still able to cling tightly to each other. But, Michelle is slowly feeling blame set in towards me because she has yet to properly grieve her father’s death and even though the things that happened to me were not in my control, I am to blame for that. I wish I knew how to help her grieve but I cannot begin to understand the pain she feels. I will never be able to get it the way she does. I can only try to be there for her.

For the last six months it has been very strained for the both of us. I'm back seeing my psychiatrist and Michelle is seeking help as well. I am afraid we are running out of time. She blames me for everything else now too. She says that I yell all the time. Most of the time I don't say anything at all because I am scared of the repercussions and the kids certainly don't need to see us in turmoil any more than they already have. Lately things have really come to a head. We were in the car with the kids the other day and there was a small misunderstanding. She was yelling at me and I didn't yell back. She did, however, accuse me of yelling at her and when I explained that she was the one yelling, she told me that she yelled because of something I did. It was my fault that she yelled yet she constantly reminds me that I make the choice to yell and that no one is to blame but me. She refuses to take responsibility when she yells because somehow it's always my fault she had to yell.

There are a bunch more like situations of hypocrisy. I won't bore you with them all but they all end with me being totally to blame and her not taking responsibility for her own actions. I own every one of mine and she has written proof. I am not afraid of accepting my faults and I am working very hard to resolve them. I haven't raised my voice in three days and we have had some very tense discussions. 

I just need to get through the next few months with her while we work this out. I have made my commitment to her. I will not move. When she is ready and remembers how deeply I am in love with her, I'll be right there where she left me. 

I leave her love notes on the mirror with pictures from our past. I try my best to never let her forget the love we share and the good times we have had together. It gets really hard to have to take the fall all the time though. We have not had three consecutively peaceful days in almost a year. 

My heart belongs to her forever. I just need a little more time for her to see. Any thoughts are welcome.

--john


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh that is a train wreck of events. Time, you both need time. We can't control these kinds of tidal surges, the waves just keep coming and coming. You go on auto pilot to navigate and keep your head above water. return to basic impulsive, self protective responses because the emotional pain and physical pain prevent a reasoned response. 

Time, time will allow you both to slowly crawl out of the water, get to dry land, dry off and start living again. The trick is to not eff everything up while this is happening and it sounds like you are doing a lot to keep the eff ups from drowning anyone. Good Job!

You're in therapy, and she is too, right? Plan a nigh out each week, better yet, get a hotel room every Friday night. Maybe you can use it for romance eventually but it sounds like what you both need is to simply leave the troubles and stresses completely behind and relax together. Take long baths together. Sleep in and have breakfast in bed. Find a way to get away with your wife regularly, preferable out of your house so the distractions of dishes, laundry, phone do not exist. Rely on family and friends to take the kids. She may hesitate and resist, that's the impulse when life is out of control, to hunker down and keep everyone close. But that is not the way to heal and live again.

I've been where you are. Give it a full year to get out of the water and another year to dry off. You will make it through.


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

Thanks and no thanks but really thanks. We did have a really good connection this past weekend and a lot of understanding took place, at least on my part.

Honestly I could deal a lot better if I felt like she was paying attention to what I say. 

example:
I garden professionally 6 months out of the year. It is my second income. I have always had a second job of sorts. I am a network administrator so I had several side gigs working for other companies. The time required was very rarely regular but when they were down I was involved sometimes every hour I wasn't at my day job. 

My gardening brings me great pleasure because it is so very analog. I get to meet new people and share a gift that brings me great joy and satisfaction. She constantly complains about the time I spend there until the money starts coming in. Then it doesn't matter what I do. Times aren't tight anymore and she has some freedom. 

So this weekend I was tired of hearing the you never spend time with me. I asked her to consider spending time with me in the garden so that I can share something that I am very passionate about with her. I only put one restriction on it. I hate surprises. With Triplets I have enough natural surprises so I try to avoid them if possible. I told her give me some heads up so I can plan. First time se told me a 5:30 pm as I walked in the door. I have had numerous talks with her about giving me a few minutes to switch gears. 

We had a blow out fight over me basically objecting to her first attempt. I went back later that evening and formally invited her to the garden the next day and all was good. The weekend passes and poof Monday 5:30 pm and the same statement. 

I have three kids and a wife I now have to manage while I am working on the things on my list. We plant 2.5 acres and it's just me and my friend who work it. I want her there so bad. I want her to be a part of it with me. I just don't want to feel ambushed. 

Like a sap, I just said 'great' the second time. I'm probably training to do all the things I dislike by giving in. 

I just need a time machine or more patience. Either one is nearly impossible.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh, I'm laughing cause the complaining your doing about your wife is the same stuff Mr. Pink has to suffer through.

Deep breath...

It'll all work out. Parenting is hard, parenting triplets... 3 times the joy, 1/3 off your life span!


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

8 hours can change a life. This is the ****tiest promise I'm ever keeping. I said a wild ride. Here we go.

no need for too much backstory on this one is pretty straightforward. I came home with from the garden with an idea on the way we can be charitable as a family and do something together. She obviously had another idea about how things would go and didn't seem so receptive to the idea. That didn't bug me one bit because I will still take my children with me and do what I need to do to make myself feel good.

Then the fit hit the shan. She said she blamed me because she has not greived her dads passing. I had to get some clarity and she placed the blame on me twice more. My entire demeanor changed but the tone of my voice never changed. She got a very raw and unfiltered response. I got sick so to speak. My spine gave out and had to be fixed. A doctor gave me every reason under the Sun to believe I was going to die. And I got screwed by couple anti psychotic medication and a company it doesn't care about people only money. I always had hope that these days but pass. What I learned tonight I don't have any control over that. Just like I didn't have control over any of those events that happened to me. She has been blaming me for the last 2 years for everything that's wrong in the world. Tonight I understand why she has been blaming me for everything. She couldn't tell me she had not grieved her dad because she lied and told me she did. So instead of blaming me for what she's mad at me about that I had no control over she blamed me for every thing else.I can't fix that one for her because I didn't do anything wrong. For that matter I havn't done anything wrong up to now either. You can't blame me if you been manipulating me.

don't ever lie to the people you love that hurts more than anything else
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Ask her how you could help to give her grieving time, and try to make it happen. Does she need time alone? Maybe you could take the kids on a mini vacation.

Try not to be defensive with her, but instead look for solutions to problems together.


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

I was so pissed off at her last night. I mean seriously how could you possibly place blame on me for something you were avoiding. I was so wrong. 

PTSD is something that defies understanding. I spent so much time mired in the how of the situation. How could she do this to me? Stuck in the WTF of my existence. WTF is going on with her cause this isn't anything like the person I knew?

I was so blinded by the me, me, me that I could not see that this person was suffering not just with me but just like me. How could I have been so blind to not recognize that she is not just dealing with her dad or me or all of the distractions and noise. She is dealing with post traumatic stress just like me. How could she not be? She was right there with me. I just never saw the way these events effected her much like they did me.

Hope is so hard to hold on to but nobody can steal my hope for us anymore. The black part of my heart has been set free. I can't be angry with her because she is sick and be mad at her at the same time for being angry at me for getting sick.

I have hope, so much hope. PTSD has some amazing treatment options. I have witnessed their power. I have been changed by them. EMDR therapy sounds so kooky if you read about it but if you are able to connect with your therapist correctly you can pass through years of therapy in a single session. It's a lot like fast forward for your pain. It doesn't fix grief, but grief is handicapped by pain. She has some difficult moments ahead of her but at least she wont have to do it alone.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Absolutely beautiful!


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

There so many things in life that at first glance seem impossible. The trick is to understand that nearly nothing is impossible. Someone will eventually do everything and we'll just make up new stuff. I just have to remember to ask myself if I am the guy who's gonna do what others deem impossible.

Climbing a mountain would be amazing. Climbing Everest would be life changing. But if I never do either of those things, I won't be sad. I'm not passionate about climbing mountains. I don't love it and the closest I've ever come is a few harder than average hiking trips. I'm not in love with climbing mountains.

I am in love with my wife. For her I would climb mountains, move them if I had to. For better or worse... in sickness and in health that's just drunk talk. Most people would run screaming if you had to really understand the level of dedication it takes to have a happy marriage before they said I do. 

It can be a lot like climbing Everest in a blinding snow storm. It will have winds so strong they can push you back down the mountain even though your heart is still stuck right back where started sliding. Sometimes just when you can see the top again, avalanche. Do I stop climbing? Hell no. I've seen the top of our world and I love the view.


--eff this is gonna be hard


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Me like straight talk better than metaphors.

I think you said things were good?


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

OK. Straight it is. I write like I think. I'm far to much of an optimist so I dig for insight.

Good will always be a relative term. She admits she blames me. She is aware that her behavior is not always appropriate. However, she is still trying the same old tricks. It's worse now because they don't work on me anymore. She is furious that I don't participate now. But worse, I won't get mad and give her reason to make it my fault. 

She left the house this weekend an hour and a half late for a kid birthday party with a different non embroidered towel because the other one she was working on was messed up. When I turned my nose up to her very obvious ploy to argue and (presumably) eventually make her issue my fault, she looked just like a 2 year old jumping up and down and screaming no. I swear I didn't even snicker until I was out of the house

It's gonna be hard for me to stay sane enough to remind myself, when it counts, if she doesn't get fed she might lob the mother of all bombs at me. 

She once let the air out of all four tires on a car because the driver stole her spot. It didn't matter that the spot was already in BFE.

The deal is I love her with no buts. If she doesn't change a thing, I'm not moving. Someday she will see who I am. 

Its hard but this is nothing ... before we dated I was her wing man. No ****. I waited then and I've got too many reasons to be right here.


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