# No sex for a very long time



## TerribleMarriage (Dec 11, 2020)

I have been in a relationship for 15 years where we have 3 children, I am 46, she is 49. We got married 7 years ago, which did take 3 months to consummate, she denies this?

For the past decade (or longer) sex at best has been once every 3 months, this year only once. On average 4 or 5 times a year.
I am open to any situation for sex, however my wife does not like sex unless we have been out 'on a date' and I have made an effort, even when I make the effort, I still face rejection. If I mention anything about sex in our relationship it is my fault, verbal abuse is a problem. I have been called vile, disgusting, arsehole (amongst others) many times. I am a strong character and it takes more than words for me to be effected.

My best guess is that she does not like sex or at least sex with me. It had occured to me that she may have been (or is) with someone else, I did at some stage ask (without accusation). The response was that I am paranoid.

The bottom line is that I cannot stay in a relationship like this much longer. It's not just about the sex but the relationship as a whole. I do joke that I am the sperm donor and handy man, there's always a grain of truth in a joke.

I need some advice on whether this is 'normal' as I cannot see the wood from the trees. Any feedback is very much appreciated.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Way not normal.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TerribleMarriage said:


> I have been in a relationship for 15 years where we have 3 children, I am 46, she is 49. We got married 7 years ago, which did take 3 months to consummate, she denies this?
> 
> For the past decade (or longer) sex at best has been once every 3 months, this year only once. On average 4 or 5 times a year.
> 
> ...


Again, it is not normal. Joking about being a sperm donor and handy man does not make guys sexy to a woman.

Technically you are in a sex starved marriage. The bad news is that some of the things you have been doing are probably part of the problem. If you want to have a more "normal" sex life, then you are going to have to go down one of two paths. 

The first is for you to change yourself in such a way that she views you with more desire, that she has to want to change herself so she responds differently to you. This usually involves working with a marriage counselor or a sex therapist to see if you can both make sufficient change to save the marriage. Even then either one of you or both of you may decide you would rather not change and decide to divorce or end your monogamous relationship.

The second path is for you to divorce her and move on. I would caution you that if you don't make serious changes to yourself, you are likely to end up in the same place with any future relationship. Also child support on three children is going to be some heavy lifting for a number of years. 

Good luck.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TerribleMarriage said:


> I have been in a relationship for 15 years where we have 3 children, I am 46, she is 49. We got married 7 years ago, which did take 3 months to consummate, she denies this?
> 
> For the past decade (or longer) sex at best has been once every 3 months, this year only once. On average 4 or 5 times a year.
> I am open to any situation for sex, however my wife does not like sex unless we have been out 'on a date' and I have made an effort, even when I make the effort, I still face rejection.


So for over a decade you rarely had sex with your sexual partner, and despite that 7 years ago you married her and your sex life still continues to suck. Seriously I cannot fathom why you would marry anyone who is loathe to have much sex with you.

Yet you did marry her, so I guess you got what you wanted.



> The bottom line is that I cannot stay in a relationship like this much longer. It's not just about the sex but the relationship as a whole.


That said if you're not happy now, then feel free to end your marriage.

Likewise if you don't want to end your marriage, then feel free to embrace your choice and carry on as you are.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> So for over a decade you rarely had sex with your sexual partner, and despite that 7 years ago you married her and your sex life still continues to suck. Seriously I cannot fathom why you would marry anyone who is loathe to have much sex with you.


Yes, this... very puzzling...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If my wife didn’t hook up on our wedding night and she didn’t have a medical issue or pass out from drinking I would have thought about getting it annulled.

This doesn’t even sound like it’s worth fixing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What are the ages of your kids. Only have sex 4x a year? Are the kids hers or yours from prior relationship?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Personal said:


> So for over a decade you rarely had sex with your sexual partner, and despite that 7 years ago you married her and your sex life still continues to suck. Seriously I cannot fathom why you would marry anyone who is loathe to have much sex with you.
> 
> Yet you did marry her, so I guess you got what you wanted.
> 
> ...


Right???

What is up with these foolish men posting here lately, telling us how they were unhappy for a long time and then chose to MARRY the person *anyway*?

There's no logic in this at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You described a sexless relationship.

You can read books, buy her flowers, cards, do all the housework, etc and nothing will ever change.

You have 2 options. Divorce her or suck it up and live with it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So you had kids with a woman who wouldn’t even barely consummate the marriage????

WTF ?????


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> If my wife didn’t hook up on our wedding night and she didn’t have a medical issue or pass out from drinking I would have thought about getting it annulled.
> 
> This doesn’t even sound like it’s worth fixing.


I don’t think drinking is an excuse. When we were getting married, I made clear to my wife that we would remain in control of our faculties at all times during the wedding day and would NOT be drinking to excess. 

And I made clear that we would leave the reception by midnight no matter how much the party was in full swing and that we would be consummating with vigor on our wedding night. 

Getting too drunk was not acceptable.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Right???
> 
> What is up with these foolish men posting here lately, telling us how they were unhappy for a long time and then chose to MARRY the person *anyway*?
> 
> There's no logic in this at all.


It’s blue pill logic. 

It’s flawed and inaccurate, but there is a blue pill logic behind it.

These betas have been raised up to believe that women want marriage and that if they provide marriage and provide women with what Oprah tells them they want, that the women will love them and have hot, monkey sex with them.

Sometimes even their partners themselves will tell them that their anxieties and moral beliefs are holding them back and that if they were to get married, then they would be able to have sex with them.

( never mind the jocks they screwed at frat parties in college or the players they screwed in the bathroom at the bar that they weren’t married to) 

Then after they are married and still aren’t having much if any sex, they are told that if they have a bigger house and newer car and have some kids, it will make them closer and more loving. 

Before these beta guys finally see the light, they now have 3 kids they’ll have to pay child support on, a whopping mortgage, a couple car payments and now a wife that is screwing Sven From Yoga and she’s been out of the work force for 10 years that he will have to pay spousal support to if he leaves. 

They were set up for failure right from start.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> It’s blue pill logic.
> 
> It’s flawed and inaccurate, but there is a blue pill logic behind it.
> 
> ...


LOL ..... yeah sex can sell anything.... even with no sex.
It’s better than owning a business. No inventory required and only the hope or promise needs to be made..... not delivery.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not normal at all. Why do you think she maybe cheating?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> LOL ..... yeah sex can sell anything.... even with no sex.
> It’s better than owning a business. No inventory required and only the hope or promise needs to be made..... not delivery.


I think it’s bigger than that.

This is a bad bill of goods that has been sold by the great religions, by society and by aunts and grandmothers the whole world over. 

The religions have told people that sex before/outside of marriage is morally wrong. So right off the bat, people can always use the excuse that they can’t be fully sexual until they are married. Anyone can pull the God-card at any time. 

(Again never mind the dudes she’s already screwed from the frat parties and bars and the hunk at the gym) 

Society in general has also told the narrative a woman needs to feel safe and comfortable and have all of her anxieties and worries smoothed over before she can be sexual.

(Never mind the baby booms that have taken place during times of war, famine, plague and various other disasters. The women that got pregnant huddled in the London subways during the Blitz in World War II must have been made to feel comfortable and secure). 

And of course we have our own nosey aunts and grandmothers that want grandchildren and have peddled the downright erroneous narrative that children bring people closer and more loving towards each other. 

This is the blue pill narrative that these “Nice Guys” have been sold and have taken to heart.

Many women have been sold on it as well to the point they really believe that if this guy they feel no attraction or desire for would only marry them and give them children that they would eventually feel desire for them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> It’s blue pill logic.
> 
> It’s flawed and inaccurate, but there is a blue pill logic behind it.
> 
> ...


I have to ask. Are there REALLY women who say to their partner-- a bigger house and newer car will make them want to have more sex/be more loving? If so, why isn't the response from the man, great, what are YOU going to do to increase your salary to pay for it then? Why isn't the response from the men a negative view of her she'd actually say that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I have to ask. Are there REALLY women who say to their partner-- a bigger house and newer car will make them want to have more sex) be more loving? If so, why isn't the response from the man, great, what are YOU going to do to increase your salary to pay for it then? Why isn't the response from the men a negative view of her she'd actually say that?


Yes, there are women that say that.

And the reason some of these men go along with it is that is how they were raised. 

That is Blue Pill logic. Happy wife = happy life. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. How many times have we all heard those sayings?


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## Bailey2 (Dec 13, 2020)

TerribleMarriage said:


> I have been in a relationship for 15 years where we have 3 children, I am 46, she is 49. We got married 7 years ago, which did take 3 months to consummate, she denies this?
> 
> For the past decade (or longer) sex at best has been once every 3 months, this year only once. On average 4 or 5 times a year.
> I am open to any situation for sex, however my wife does not like sex unless we have been out 'on a date' and I have made an effort, even when I make the effort, I still face rejection. If I mention anything about sex in our relationship it is my fault, verbal abuse is a problem. I have been called vile, disgusting, arsehole (amongst others) many times. I am a strong character and it takes more than words for me to be effected.
> ...


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## Bailey2 (Dec 13, 2020)

I have been married 45yr. 30+ of those years lacked love and intimacy. The problem was with my wife's past. She had sex before she knew me. She told me herself, I NEVER asked. We had 2 children and she turned cold. I tried numerous times to talk to her. About 6mo ago she changed. She told me what the problem had been. She had felt guilty because I gave her my virginity. She is truthfully the only girl I ever asked out. Her past meant nothing to me and she will tell you I never said anything to her about it. She convicted herself because of me. She told me she felt unworthy and so guilty. It wasn't me who brought her past into our marriage, she did. I paid a terrible price for what she said "had no effect on her". I stayed the course and are going to enjoy the rest of our lives together. She told me I should have left her. 
I could not for 2 reasons. 1- I vowed to be her husband until death. 2- I loved her. That never changed. I don't know why but it didn't. Now we are fighting her guilt from what she did to me. Maybe there's an underlying issue. She if your wife will open up to you. I waited many lonely years. I am trying not to be bitter. But I paid for what she did.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Livvie said:


> I have to ask. Are there REALLY women who say to their partner-- a bigger house and newer car will make them want to have more sex/be more loving? If so, why isn't the response from the man, great, what are YOU going to do to increase your salary to pay for it then? Why isn't the response from the men a negative view of her she'd actually say that?


I don't understand this at all either...I've actually said the opposite -- I don't care about money and "things", just be happy and be nice to me!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Yes, there are women that say that.
> 
> And the reason some of these men go along with it is that is how they were raised.
> 
> That is Blue Pill logic. *Happy wife = happy life*. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. How many times have we all heard those sayings?


But...this is TRUE...if I'm not happy, NO ONE is happy...Lol!!!!

I guess it's just lucky for everyone around me that I'm almost always happy!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can not grasp the idea of not making love to my wife on our wedding night, not three months henceforth. 

OP, why are you now wanting out from a wife who hasn’t changed since literally the day you married her?

what you are suggesting is crazy.
You loved her when she was refusing you for sex for years. Why don’t you love her now?

Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyy? Did you marry her in the first place?????? 

It’s like buying a car that doesn’t have factory A/C, driving it and painstakingly maintaining it for 10 years, then saying “this piece of **** Has no A/C and I’m hot!!!!” I’m selling this POS!”

it does not satisfy my need for logic. YOU chose her!!!!!!! She’s the same person!


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Get red pilled immediately. You are your own worst enemy.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It’s blue pill logic.
> 
> It’s flawed and inaccurate, but there is a blue pill logic behind it.
> 
> ...



GREAT POST.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@TerribleMarriage,

You don’t have to explain the how’s or why’s to anyone here. It doesn’t matter *right now* how you got to this point, or why you stayed in this situation for so long. (It’s important that you look at sometime, so you don’t make the same mistakes).

The most important thing is to fan the flame of awareness that where you are isn’t “right” or necessary. That you deserve better, and it’s going to be up to you to create circumstances in and for yourself where @better” eventually happens.


But to answer your question, your marriage is not normal. You have been deprived for your entire marriage of one of the most wonderful parts of human experience and marriage. Very likely, you’ve been missing out on even more that most would deem “normal” in a relationship.

Very likely this has been unhealthy, and warped your view of yourself and the world.


I suggest youread “Married and Alone”, by Douglass Weiss, to gain some perspective.


Married and Alone


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can not grasp the idea of not making love to my wife on our wedding night, not three months henceforth.
> 
> OP, why are you now wanting out from a wife who hasn’t changed since literally the day you married her?
> 
> ...


People can get a new car whenever they want as long as they can pay for it. 

Their logic for doing so does not have to appeal to anyone else. 

If he wants a partner that is emotionally expressive and sexual at this stage of his life, that is his prerogative.


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> And of course we have our own nosey aunts and grandmothers that want grandchildren and have peddled the downright erroneous narrative that children bring people closer and more loving towards each other.


Yea, people react strangely when we tell them one of the hundreds of reasons not to have kids is because we like our marriage to survive. They think we have it backwards. Their loss.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StillGoing said:


> Yea, people react strangely when we tell them one of the hundreds of reasons not to have kids is because we like our marriage to survive. They think we have it backwards. Their loss.


I think there is some blue pill logic behind that as well. 

How many times do we hear people say, "if it weren't for the kids, I would have left a long time ago."

To the conventional wisdom, kids bond people and keeps them married. 

Never mind the fact that they are miserable and wish they could leave. 

In the not so distant past, when a couple was having marital difficulty, it actually was recommended to them by aunts and mothers and grandparents to have kids or have another child. 

Children were kind of considered defacto marital therapy in the not so distant past. 

I sincerely hope and pray that those days are long gone and that no one is ever suggesting having children to people having marriage difficulty today.


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