# had threesome - he wants more - I don't! HELP!



## cn123 (Mar 8, 2012)

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. A few months ago we have had a threesome with another girl who I worked with - I am bisexual and we had talked about it for a while, since we are quite sexual anyway and were curious, we did it. We were both happy to do it a few times again on seperate occasions after that. 

After those few times I felt that I did not really enjoy it as much anymore and wanted to stop - after a big argument my partner accepted that we would have a break, but during this time he has been chatting with her via social networking sites, but included me in the conversation, so I could see what was being written. I was not really happy with this either, but my partner argued that because I am included in the conversation it is ok!? He is constantly pestering me for when the next time it is that we will do it again!

I like this girl as a friend but not sexually and do not want to do it again!!! I have told my partner this, but we have somehow got into the situation of carrying on the threesome - without me wanting to do it (I know! I should have said: NO! straight away, but I love my partner and wanted to see him happy).

Now, I have had enough and can't bear to see them at it again, so I have told my partner this! MY partners response to this though is that I am overthinking things, I am placing too much emotion on the whole thing, it's just for a bit of fun!! He has even suggested that I get another man involved and that he would be happy to see me ..ck another man!! I feel sick at the thought of another man f..ing me and could never do that! I now feel completely confused - Am I crazy for having the feelings I have? Am I thinking things over too much? Our sexlife is usually amazing, we sometimes do it several times a day and definately don't go without for more than three days!! He even says it is amazing, but that it's nice to have a toy now and again too for a bit of fun!! This cries out to that he is not happy with me, does it not? Please Help??


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## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have had an few encounters myself with this kind of thing. When I first met my husband in High School I was actually dating another Girl. I wasnt sure what gender I did like at this point due to a pervert of a grandfather. This by the way leads to sexual gender confussion, along with potentiol drug abuse, and other issues.
Anywho, I knew I did like girls, and he was okay with that, he liked it..Of course a teenage boy will LOVE the fact HIS girl swings both ways..a) bragging rights. b)every boys/mans dream 2 girls at once!
Needless to say he lucked out on MY sexual preferences.And thats just it..These are YOUR sexual preferences. If YOU dont feel comfortable with a sexual encounter he should care enough for you to respect your boundries in that SHARED experience. To be honest if you werent bisexual would he be out having sex with other people? Probably not? He gets to participate because of YOUR sexual preferences. 
Once it crosses that line; and its no longer a Good sexual experience for you, where does that leave your relationship?
Will he expect this the rest of your lives?
Will you get married and still continue?
But ask yourself two things. 1) Are you having threesomes because he wants you to? and 2) How much do you like other women? 
Because If you like women more then men you should choose the latter. But if you really love this guy, your in it for the long haul, you need to SPEAK UP!! In S&M they have safty words for enough.. WHY would you not have something to say now in this situation? 
Listen we all want to keep our men happy, but clearly you have expressed your feeling to him that you dont want this to continue, so why does he want this so badly? 
What is the motive behind more threesomes? Dispite your feelings of uncomfortablness.
Does this girl seem to like your partner more than she should? and does she know that it is just sex, no strings attached? 
If the encounter has happened several times, them sleeping together is becoming normal to either one or the other? 
So in that where is the line or boundries drawn?
My husband has told me "Every one is entitled to their own feelings, we have emotions for a reason" If you FEEL like this isnt cool then trust thoes feelings, dont let him dictate how you should and shouldn't feel about a shared sexual encounter.
I can tell you from experience that there are a few things going on from his part 1) Guilt. Otherwise he wouldnt want another man to get involved. 2) Aloofness. Playing it off like YOUR the one that acting weird, despite your solid feelings on the matter. 3)Persistence, when a partner is going too far sexually we as lovers expect that trust beween eachother right? For example if my lover and I are "bussy" and I say "hay stop" do I expect them to stop? F*@k Yeah, I Do! That rule pretty much goes for everything. 
You should really have a sit down talk with both that girl and your man, like a serious one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All the respect is gone now. You opened up Pandora's box and you can't shut it again. What will you do if he decides he isn't ok with just you two having sex anymore? He's already telling you that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He wants to have sex with other people.

You don't.

So...you have 2 choices. Stay and act like it's ok, or leave. I'd leave.

Loving your partner and wanting to see them happy doesn't mean you jeopardize your own morals/wants.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well you opened pandora's box so to speak. Most men's biggest fantasy is a ffm threesome. It would be hard after that to realize he's never going to experience it again. I think it's more to do with that than with this particular woman. Lots of guys like to watch their woman with another man. 
Personally I don't get any of it but I think you do need to put your foot down. What are they talking about on these sites? Is it
sexual?
If it was me I'd say "look you have had an experience most men can only dream of. I'm not comfortable with it anymore and it's not going to happen again. You need to accept this and just be happy that you got to do it." also I'd say he needs to stop talking to this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cn123 (Mar 8, 2012)

Thank you so much for all your advice. I feel so much more at ease now, having been able to talk to someone else about it other than my partner!

I will sit down and have a discussion with both parties and hopefully that will put it all in the open.

The only thing I am scared about now though is, that I see this girl every week and because the three of us have become friends, my partner is planning for us all to go to this event together which is quite far away from where she lives and thus she will be sleeping over at our house...which of course means that they will both be expecting something. Which of course won't happen!

We have even planned to go into business together which for me sounds like an amazing oppurtunity, but not in these circumstamces. What do I do? Cut her out of our lives completely, or still be friends. This is so complicated in my head - and everytime I get a comment by my partner that I am overthinking things and placing too much emotion, etc. on this (I have been previously been diagnosed with mental health problems) it makes me think that I am wrong in the head and that it should all be fine and make sense and that it's normal!

I want to cut her out of our lives to overcome this whole issue, but she has become a good friend (I haven't had a close friend in more than 10 years - my partner is usually my best friend.). I don't know how to go about this once I have spoken with them about it and told them that I don't want to do it anymore?

Thank you so much for all of your support - it's my first time on this forum and I am so greatful for any advice.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Tell him you want to see him boned by a guy with a massive ****, when that has happened you might consider doing it again. Fair is fair.

You do need to drastically reduce contact with her and your partner can never contact her alone. This is a budding affair, cut if off.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

...'a bit of fun' is going out to an amusement park or something, not having a coworker come over to have sex...how can this ever turn out positively, when the potential to ruin your marriage and ruin you professionally is there? I feel sorry for women who get talked into doing things they really don't want to do by their partners...regardless of sexual orientation.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The life rule is start as you intend to go meaning don't start things unless you are willing to keep doing it FOREVER. It's easier to NOT do things but a lot harder to stop once started.

You have opened Pandora's box and shutting it will take quite a bit of effort.

Good luck.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO this is why bringing a third party into a sexual relationship is really never a good idea. It will always cause some kind of problem at some point. 

IMO he doesn't respect your feelings on the matter and that should be enough right there. My guess is, he will harbor resentment towards you because you no longer want to do this, and you will harbor resentment against him because he does. I don't see where this is a workable situation any longer.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm sorry but it's wrong for anyone to try to get you to do something by telling you that you have mental problems! That just is so manipulative. Ok so you might have a mental disorder. Lots of people do. That doesn't mean for one second that your thoughts and feelings aren't valid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

Have you discussed this with the other woman involved? Perhaps you can get her on board and agree to end all sexual contact with both of you? 

It's a difficult dilemma, because you have created expectations in him. I like johnnycomelately's idea of telling your partner you'd like to see him boned by a big bloke  - that might put a kibosh on his pestering you. (Or it might not and open a whole new Pandora's box!)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You guy no longer sees himself or you as bonded and exclusive. He now sees her as a viable emotional and sexual partner who he is including in your intimate relationship - both emotionally and in bed.

You thought you were bringing a sex toy into bed for the two of you to play with - but what you got was a third person added to your relationship.

He is now fighting to find ways to keep her in his life and bed.

See the difference - she isn't a sex toy to him. She is a person whom he is now having a relationship with - but in front of you which makes it all ok in his mind.

His offering you a guy - was only as a sex toy for you - he didn't suggest you date and develop feelings for him did he?

I'm sorry but I really don't see this ending well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think the worst part of this is that they involved one of her co-workers, someone she has to see in a professional capacity. I would be so embarassed at work. I just cannot fathom......


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You guy no longer sees himself or you as bonded and exclusive. He now sees her as a viable emotional and sexual partner who he is including in your intimate relationship - both emotionally and in bed.
> 
> You thought you were bringing a sex toy into bed for the two of you to play with - but what you got was a third person added to your relationship.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I was thinking. It's not just sex with this other woman anymore. She's involved in his life now, not just his bed. You are no longer a couple, you are a threesome.

I think it would be an even bigger disaster if the three of you went into business together. You need to get her out of your relationship, not draw her in even further into your lives.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you want to see your husband happy and are 'ok' with threesomes (just not attracted to this girl) then find a new girl for 'some fun'.

I think suggesting this to your husband may tell you the true story. It may be that your husband isn't good with just any girl. It is this girl that he is wanting. 

This means it is no longer about 'just fun'. It is a relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But she doesn't want to have 3somes anymore. That's the entire pont of the thread. She's not down with it.

Sidenote: I fail to see how having 3somes strengthens any partnership/marriage. Yikes.

Shaggy nailed this situation perfectly. He's right. And the doubts you have about him contacting her are probably spot on. You feel uncomfortable because it IS uncomfortable. You saw her fcck your boyfriend. In front of your face. And vice versa. 

O
M
G


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> You guy no longer sees himself or you as bonded and exclusive. He now sees her as a viable emotional and sexual partner who he is including in your intimate relationship - both emotionally and in bed.
> 
> You thought you were bringing a sex toy into bed for the two of you to play with - but what you got was a third person added to your relationship.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Shaggy is right on!


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## kc8 (Mar 12, 2012)

I'm not telling u to leave, as that is not an option if u love the man, he's getting to cheat with no consequences, been there done the whole threesome thing. Ask ur self this during the threesome does he spend more time and attention with the other girl or does he just like to watch you with her? It's time for u to show him how u feel when u see him with her, ask for a threesome, but with him and another guy, he'll change his tune. Right now as far as he's concerned he's not sharing u, men don't like to share their toys with other men. Go as far to pick someone better looking and more fit & will drive him crazy, on the other hand it might actually make him desire u more, because theirs another male wanting what he has. Either way the outcome will be in ur favor. Just my opinion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sidenote: I fail to see how having 3somes strengthens any partnership/marriage. Yikes.


I can see how engaging in group sex of some sort with your partner could strengthen your relationship. You're sharing an extreme experience together and are both forced to confront the issues either of you have with insecurity or trust. 

This is exactly what's going on in this situation, and if the OP and her husband can work through these issues successfully their relationship will be stronger. I really think she needs to straight up give him a direct ultimatum: "I am no longer comfortable having threesomes with this woman, we must stop and confront my issues together or our relationship will be harmed and may not survive the damage."


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

The Bad Santa side of me says that you should talk to your friend and hopefully she'll understand and be on your side. Then offer a threesome with your bf but the two of you get so involved with each other you ignore him completely. When you're done tell him you might be "switching teams" and that you have to rethink your sexual preferences. That might scare him into reality!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ren said:


> I can see how engaging in group sex of some sort with your partner could strengthen your relationship. You're sharing an extreme experience together and are both forced to confront the issues either of you have with insecurity or trust.


Group sex just dilutes the one-to-one relationship. Someone will always be the third wheel.

Group sex should be relegated to the casual sex type of people, married people just eff up their marriage doing this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Anytime you have sex with anyone but your partner you are playing high stakes. It obvious both of you are not say very "Traditional" but to each is own. Typically however it will only last so long feelings of jealousy will emerge in addition to possible feelings for an other person. Once you open up your relationship in such a manner you are allowing so many variables to tear apart this marriage.


You dont want my true honest opinion that is might light heated opinion 

His desire for Threesomes will not stop so now you must deal with this.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> But she doesn't want to have 3somes anymore. That's the entire pont of the thread. She's not down with it.
> 
> Sidenote: I fail to see how having 3somes strengthens any partnership/marriage. Yikes.
> 
> ...


She allowed it thus she opened the can of worms thus she is responsible for this outcome. It wont stop its sad but true i am truly becoming in shock when i post on this site of how people are not aware that their actions in life lead to most of the time their unhappiness. Choices choices


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

kc8 said:


> I'm not telling u to leave, as that is not an option if u love the man, he's getting to cheat with no consequences, been there done the whole threesome thing. Ask ur self this during the threesome does he spend more time and attention with the other girl or does he just like to watch you with her? It's time for u to show him how u feel when u see him with her, ask for a threesome, but with him and another guy, he'll change his tune. Right now as far as he's concerned he's not sharing u, men don't like to share their toys with other men. Go as far to pick someone better looking and more fit & will drive him crazy, on the other hand it might actually make him desire u more, because theirs another male wanting what he has. Either way the outcome will be in ur favor. Just my opinion
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not an option to leave if you love your partner? Boy are you setting yourself up for some major heart ache. It is always an option to leave. No one should take that off the table. In essence what you are saying is when I fall in love my lover can do anything he wants but I will not leave. 

Don't do that. You get treated like sh!t when you are a sure thing. Sometimes your final option is to walk if you have worked hard to solve things and nothing works. 


EDIT

Children are the most important people in the marriage in my opinion. However, one thing to consider is that you can minimize the negative impact on children by putting their happiness first. 

Talking crap about your ex may make you feel good but not your kids, concentrating on a new partner at the wrong time does the same. 

I think the biggest reason for the negative impact on kids is the way the adults conduct themselves. 

Love is not enough reason to stay in a relationship if there is disrespect humiliation, and deception.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> It is not an option to leave if you love your partner? Boy are you setting yourself up for some major heart ache. It is always an option to leave. No one should take that off the table. In essence what you are saying is when I fall in love my lover can do anything he wants but I will not leave.
> 
> Don't do that. You get treated like sh!t when you are a sure thing. Sometimes your final option is to walk if you have worked hard to solve things and noting works. Love is not enough reason to stay in a relationship if there is disrespect humiliation, and deception.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes leaving is also the only way to let your partner know that your issue is THAT serious. Many spouses minimize problems rather than deal with them constructively. That doesn't mean you threaten divorce or separation for every issue. Eventually you end up with a boy that cries wolf scenario. But if a problem is serious and you aren't getting a response you really need to use a hammer to drive home a point.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

you have to put your foot down and tell your husband that you do not want to do this any more , and the reasons why . do you not want to do it with her , or at all ? once you guys talk honestly about it he should respect you and your decision . if he does not then there are bigger issues . also i definitely think that your husband has more things that interest him than fmf . sit down and talk to him about those also .


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Stoney, stop resurrecting so many dead threads - its fine if they are relevant to a topic you want to reopen for discussion, but seems like you are trying to give advice to the OP who hasn't been back to TAM since the day she first came here... save your words for someone who can use it today!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm missing something here. You're bisexual, meaning you've been having sex with other women throughout the 10 years of marriage? But he's not allowed to participate?


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Lon said:


> Stoney, stop resurrecting so many dead threads - its fine if they are relevant to a topic you want to reopen for discussion, but seems like you are trying to give advice to the OP who hasn't been back to TAM since the day she first came here... save your words for someone who can use it today!


unless i read it wrong , and i may have i am new to the site . it says the question was from 3/27/2012 . if im not mistaken that is 3 months ago . if i am mistaken , please instead of just telling me to stop tell me how i know if it is in fact a dead thread . if the post is from march i posted because i did not think 3 months was too old . especially since i saw other posts from much more recent dates .


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Three months ago is a LONG time on TAM.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

so how long is not a long time ago . is it old from when it was posted by the person who posted it , or is it old based on the last response ?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

stoney, look at the date the thread was started, look at the OP's total number of posts and browse through to see if the OP has been keeping up with the replies... the thread was started march 7th, the OP thanked for the comments the next day on march 8th and hasn't been back since, a bunch more comments were posted that last day the OP was here, then of course over the next week the comments tapered off and it has been pretty much officially dead ever since.

I have noticed a lot of resurrected dead threads lately and it so happens that you were the one resuscitating them, which is why I felt compelled to comment here - because sometimes we don't all notice the dates and proceed to give lengthy answers to the long-gone OP, so if you continue to revive dead threads you may get accused of flaming or other trolling activities.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

like i said , i am new to the site and i do appologize for my transgressions , and also in advance for my fute ones . i have not yet mastered posting a comment on a thread as opposed to posting to the op. 
i will do my best to shorten my learning time . and i am always open to help .


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think when you fist come to this site, you do your own inventory of threads and add to ones you would have liked to have participated in when they were fresh (like that one about summer bedtimes that was also untouched for about a month, which you commented on even after my comment on this thread).

Anyway, there are no rules that say you can't, threads remain open indefinitely it just bothers many when we start commenting only to realize it was old and those who we want to read our comment aren't even around to read them.

One thing I like to do if I've been away is in the quick links menu above mark all threads read, so that way you can see which threads are active, and participating becomes more meaningful.


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