# I see no other way, but divorce



## radtek56 (Mar 22, 2010)

This may be long....Married 35 years to highschool sweetheart. dated 5 years before. I got married at 19 to get away from my overbearing father. It wasn't until later that I realized my husband is very much like my father. Surprise!
My husband is quite conservative, opinionated, verbally abusive at times and has a history of extreme jealousy that spans our lifetime together. I can say with a clear consience that the many, many accusations over our 40 year relationship are unfounded. These are all figments of his imagination. Because of this, I have never had any friendly relationships with men. ie: He recently accused me of having an affair with my brother-in-law who lives five states away because he was snooping in my email and found a friendly letter written to me and the rest of the family. Nothing flirty, nothing sexual at all!
His humor ranges widely on the side of sarchasm and I find him no longer funny or amusing. We have sex regularly, and I've tolerated it for many years. He makes a decent salary, but has always complained whenever I purchased anything for myself. If I buy shoes or clothing, I usually hide it from him. On rare occasions that I do show him something I recently bought, he only comments negatively. His obsessive compulsive habits are driving me nuts also. 
To make a long story short, I have found I cannot be open & honest with him about anything anymore. I recently had dinner with 2 married girlfriends. Unbeknownst to me one girlfriend invited a guy friend to have a drink with us before dinner. I didn't share that with my husband, because although it was completely innocent, he would give me grief about it. We have very little in common. He golfs, I don't, I'm spiritual, he's non-spiritual, movie interests are opposite, etc. When we try to do things together it rarely ends up to be a fun outing. 
On the other hand, there are times he can be very loving and thoughtful, but I've learned his loving and thoughtfulness will only last until the next angry outburst. He's been faithful to me, I know this, and he claims he loves me more than anything. 
I wanted a separation 13 years ago but he tried to change his ways and succeeded for a time, but it didn't last. I know he loves me but I am not in love with him and haven't been for at least 20 years. I'm tired of treading lightly around him all the time. I want out, I want to be me..to have the freedom to be who I am...to feel that my way of thinking is not always wrong. We are going to LasVegas soon, and I'm figuring this will be the last test of our marriage. If we end up not getting along on this trip, I'm leaving, scary as it may be. My husband is not my best friend, my "soul mate" or my confidant. The only thing we have is a history. If this disrupts the family, so be it. If I don't fight for myself now, I never will. Sorry so long winded, there is NO ONE I feel I can confide in about this.
Any insight would be graciously accepted.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Have you discussed your unhappiness with him? I guess that might be a problem. If it were me, I would tell him that I was worn down from not being able to deal with his personality and if he would like to be happily married, we should go to counseling. Seems boring and lame in relation to your frustration, but I'd give him a heads up and she how he responds. His response will likely make up your mind, but do not take a bit of nonsense. I was married to a domestic terrorist for years and wound up alone in counseling since he dropped out. The doctor taught me some valuable techniques in how to modify his behavior. I didn't have confidence it would work, but it actually did and things improved. Later on, we had children and he could not keep his temper and refused to take necessary medication, so in order to protect them, I divorced him.

It sometimes seems that walking away is best. Learning how to not have to walk on eggshells anymore is liberating.

Just an opinion,

Lyn


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