# Saddest Week of My Life



## Losing My Favorite Person (Feb 10, 2012)

My wife of nearly 17 years has decided she wants to end our marriage. We had a loving, joyful, passionate, respectful marriage, and we have three beautiful daughters. Six months ago she saw her ex-fiance at a mutual friend's party, and they began an emotional affair for a month and a half. Since it ended we've both been in individual therapy and couples therapy. However, she just can't get this guy out of her head -- the intense connection they felt for one another was intoxicating. Now that we're facing the practial nightmare of divorce, including the fact that we will no longer be partners and lovers, she's overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. She cries all the time and wants me to hold her.*Yet, she still wants to move forward with divorce*. I'm convinced she's in the midst of a midlife crisis and will not find happiness on her own or with this man (who is married, by the way). She's not open to convincing, but I think time without me might show her how tough life will be apart. What can I do to save our family?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how to save your family........


by preserving yourself and being there for your children.
by being strong and giving her the you made your bed now go take a nap in the wrinkled stained sheets.

by contacting the mans wife so she knows whats up.

by getting your ducks in a row and being prepaired.

by setting up conceling/therapy for yourself and children.

by living well the rest of your life.


Good luck


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oh gosh I'm so sorry your going through this... very painful.

She IS sending such mixed messages about this.
Have you asked her why is she crying and why she wants to held by you.
Certainly not the norm i wouldn't have thought.

Does this not make it more painful for you? You need to be concerned about your own needs/wants...not just hers.

Yes you may be right about time apart... the reality of life without you and the security the family home gives maybe quite a shock.

Hope it works out for you all.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> She cries all the time and wants me to hold her.


That's one thing you should not do. She wants a divorce so bad, tell her Christmas has arrived early this year and you'd prefer if she moved out immediately -- because you are already excited about the prospect of life without having to deal with her mid-life nonsense. That's your only chance. Be a sap and you'll end up sorry.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

My marriage survived my husbands mid life crisis emotional affair. Sometimes it takes really realizing what you have and what you stand to loose. Nothing says you have to divorce this second you could seperate, and see if she wakes up. But you must insist on no contact, and I would tell the other spouse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Contact OMW and let her know whats going on. Hopefully the both of you can keep an eye on things and work on keeping them apart.

I order for any progress in repairing this thing the OM must be completely out of the picture. With the help from OMW you maybe able to achieve this. Then your wife can readdress the divorce with out this out side influence.

You can't control her but if she choses to do this and you can validate she has NC with OM then there may be hope. It sounds like she will not agree to this so then you have to show her the reality of you no longer being around.

It will be tough,and it will seem like you are pushing her further away. At this point she has already stepped out of the marriage and is only using you as a comforter/blanket. Show her the reality of her decision. by distancning your self, not with anger but with calmness and understanding along with indifference that for your own emotional protection you must let her go until she changes this choice to leave you.

Hopefully she will see this confidence in you along with this indifference and it will make her think twice...at least, at the very least commit to a NC with OM while the both of you spend some time in figuring out if this marriage is savagable.

IMO if you continue to comfort her and be her sound board then she will leave you in limbo and it will deteriorate your own emotional health.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The crying she feels is probably shame.

I am not sure what it is with "old flames", facebook, and such. . .if I saw an old flame I would be just more likely to know what happened to her and probably find it interesting and move on from there with my partner.

I agree with notifying the spouse. . .it's not necessarily out of spite or vengenance or to "bum" his spouse out but you must remove him from the situation.

Unfortunately, this isn't the "olden" days where you can go put your fist on his nose, so the most effective way of nillifying him from the catalyzed reaction is to notify his wife.

There are 3 daughter's lives at stake and you are doing no wrong by doing so.

Good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Losing My Favorite Person said:


> she just can't get this guy out of her head -- the intense connection they felt for one another was intoxicating.


This sounds like an infatuation and falling in love with an illusion. What a tragic way to end a marriage. I'm afraid your wife is going to learn a lesson the hard way. 

I agree with other posters here - quit lending her your shoulder to cry on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OM's wife as soon as humanly possible. A guard at both ends is the best. The next time she wants you to console her, hold her tight and tell her no more hugs, soon you will just be someone I used to know.

BTW how do you KNOW its over between them?

How are your daughters treating her?

Remember, she's the cheater, she leaves not you. Demand primary custody. She pays half the bils when she leaves. Seperate checking accts etc. Close joint credit card accts. 

You have to let her know what being on her own means cause it aint pretty, and she needs to get on the reality bus in a bad way.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Boy when I see 17 years my I can relate. Exactly one year ago this weekend my wife of nearly 17 years (at the time) said she wanted divorce. I found she was likely having an EA with a co-worker, certainly an interest in him. We are a year out and seperated, she has said divorce two more time since then. I am still hanging on to give her a chance.

Like you, I believe it is a mid-life crisis, which can take months, sometime years. Having read up on MLC, it can correct after the fog lifts, but no gaurentees.

It is clear they are not the same person's we knew just a short time before and suddenly, they want a new life. I still have people tell me they thought we had the perfect marriage, I thought so too. She changed and only hope she will come back to who she was.

I wish you well. Read Divorce Busters for some insight into MLC's.


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## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

I'm not trying to take away anything from the thorough and heartfelt posts on this thread. There's a lot of great insight here and support.

But in support I must also add:

Fkuck that B!tch.


So sorry, man.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What happened to Losing?

Nice of him to leave us hanging.....


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think he has two posts going at the same time:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-.../39816-saddest-week-my-life-2.html#post586494


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He left the other one hanging too.


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