# Emotional Affairs



## Need to Move On??? (Oct 21, 2012)

I've been married for over 20 years. About 7 years ago my wife told me that she wouldn't have a problem with me sleeping with other woman, as long as I told her about it. Our marriage wasn't going well at the time, so I thought it was odd that she'd allow this. I wondered if maybe she had cheated on me and wanted to give me a similar opportunity. 

I discussed trying to share this experience together by maybe swapping with another couple. She seemed open to the idea and I suggested we start by chatting on-line first to see if we were comfortable with this idea. 

I began chatting on-line myself and recall going to my wife to let her know that I'd found a few couples who sounded interesting. At this point, she made it clear that she wasn't going to partake in the chatting. I felt confused and a bit angry about how my wife seemed so into this and then she just flat out said forget it.

Since we were having problems with our marriage and I came to enjoy chatting, I started to spend a lot of time on-line. Over the course of the last 5-6 years, I have probably had dozens of what I'd term emotional affairs, some of which have gone on for months and months. Of course, the chat has involved more than just talking about relationships. In many, many instances I've engaged in cybersex. 

I truly appreciate that I am no better than someone who goes out and sleeps with someone other than their spouse. Even though I've tried at times to justify my behavior, I know I am a cheater.

I realize that in order for my marriage to work, I need to stop the chatting. I'm not convinced that just stopping the chatting will solve my marital problems, but I feel like I would be able to focus my energy on finding out if it can be salvaged.

Any advice? suggestions? similar experiences?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Don't really know what you want us to say, other than what you said in your last comment sounds like you are on the right track. 

Don't really understand the whole swapping thing. I wouldn't be able to do it or live with a husband that does it either. Then again, she told you to so...yeah, maybe counceling?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you already know what the problem is and to stop it. So stop it. 

End the cheating, talk to your wife about your marital and try to come to an amicable resolution.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are right....you MUST stop the chatting. Now that you know you are doing wrong it is time to do right. I don't know if you marriage will get better. Something is off. I find it odd that she told you to find someone and agreed to swing but then backed out. Have you talked about it with her?


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## Need to Move On??? (Oct 21, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. My wife and I did try counseling. In fact, we went to three different counselors. It would be easy to say that the counselors weren't very good, and in at least one case that may be true. I still recognize that we needed to be more committed to listening to one another and making the necessary changes to improve our marriage.

I should have noted that she did catch me chatting on-line with a woman who was interested in meeting for real years ago, and she was very upset. I explained that I had begun this on-line affair only after my wife did the about face regarding swinging. I told her I was very confused and unhappy.

In her mind, this was all my fault. I own most of the responsibility, but believe she should have understood why this happened, and the role she played in it.

As our marriage has deteriorated, I haven't done myself any favors though by continuing to chat. I went about 6 months or so, after she caught me, but eventually started chatting again.

As some have noted, I recognize the problem. I just need to stop it and see where things go from here.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I would say it is time to cut the internet connection and spend some time together talking. Cook a great dinner, some wine or beer, light some candles and sit down to talk.


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