# oldest story in the book but still hurts



## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

we've been together 16 years, married for 12 and after many unsuccessful pregnacies had a gorgeous, beautiful, precious love of my life daughter 5 years ago...as a couple we've grown distant physically and emotionally over past few years but together we love our daughter immensly, and that seemed enough for me...turns out not for her. 6 months ago I saw a text from a co-worker professing his love for her, her response was a "sad face". I confronted her that I "knew" something was going on and she swore on our daughter and her late father nothing was going on...that was powerful for me so I gave her benefit of the doubt, i was wrong, she has been "seeing" this same guy for past 6 months...I found a secret yahoo account where they mail each other back and forth. There isn't a "smoking gun" e-mail trail proving actual intercourse but a few texts suggest it strongly. I consulted an attorney and saw a counselor and am planning to confront her after Christmas (didn't want to ruin it for my daughter)...BUT I am so so so sad about not seeing my daughter everyday AND it looks like they have broken up. Recent e-mails say she is still married, has a daughter and doesn't want the drama being found out would cause. She's been nice and warm since then but I can't look at her without getting angry and the "acting" is killing me. Am I wrong for still wanting a divorce? Am I being selfish where my daughter is concerned? I don't think the underlying reasons as to why she strayed will change because we just don't have passion for each other anymore...thoughts? And thanks


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Talk to each other before you act on divorce. It doesn't make sense that you are mad when you say that you don't have passion for her anymore. If that was true, you wouldn't care so much. 

Find out what you both want, and even what you wanted before you found out about her affair.


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## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

Thanks, that's a valid point-It's hard to pinpoint why I get angry and at the same time describe why we don't feel any sort of passion for each other...my anger comes from knowing our daughter is going to be hurt by us not being married, it also comes from knowing she texts this guy when I'm home with her or with my daughter...I do plan on confronting her after xmas to see what we both want, it's possible she'll be relieved and can move on as well, but I doubt it...she's going to blame me for pushing her into an affair


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Either way- divorce or reconciliation- you still have to confront her and deal with this issue head-on. 

And no... you're not being selfish for considering divorce. This is one consequences(the other being reconciliation) when it comes to infidelity.

If you DO want to try and reconcile, you must deal with the loss of passion in your marriage by going to counseling. When all options are exhausted, and you still feel divorce is the only outcome, then so be it. Don't feel pressured into staying in the marriage for any other reason than loving your wife. If you do, this will only bring resentment and animosity between the two of you. What kind of life is that for you and your child if the parents don't show her true love between two people- a parents love for one another.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As one who had an affair, it's an individual choice. No one pushes anyone into something like that.

You could approach her and say calmly that you are aware of her affair and can somewhat understand why it happened. But it hurts just the same. We need to talk about lots of things.

Then go from there. Both of you have to agree to be 100% honest regardless of the pain of what you each may hear and realize what is really happening with your marriage.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If she blames you, then you have your answer for sure. Divorce. She has to own her sh!t. You have to come at her with both barrels. Say this to her. "I know you have been having an affair. I am divorcing you." That and nothing more. Then observe her response if its blame shifting, dump the skank. If she becomes a mascara and snot running mess, there may be hope. Remember she lied to your face. And you had to find out for yourself. So you cannot trust a word she says. Get a keylogger and multiple vars so you can record what happens when you lower the boom. You need to be careful, because adulteresses will bring false charges so she can get you kicked out of the house. I would also separate finances. Shock and awe my friend. Shock and awe.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You aren't wrong at all. 

Frankly. Ignoring it and rug sweeping will mean that it will fire back up with him or another guy. 

Talk to her about it and if it is done and over good. But you still need to deal with the why and how it happened. You'll need marriage counselling to recover the marriage 

Even if she says it is over remember it can fire up again so demand full details and transparency from her. If OM is married you need to call her and talk with her. Fo not warn your wife about doing it. She didn't warn you of the affair. You don't warn her about talking to the OMW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know, familiarity breeds contempt. I could just be that when you confront her and you both realize what's at stake that the passion returns, it's called hysterical bonding. It certainly doesn't happen in every instance but it does happen, it all depends on if you are both willing to reconcile and if so willing to do the things necessary. On the other hand divorce is also a reasonable outcome. Infidelity is rough. 

Me personally I would try not to go into it with a predetermined outcome. I'd see what she had to say, how she behaved and make the decision that felt right when it feels right to do so - there is no rush. Either way the marriage you had is over. Even if you decide to reconcile it will be a different marriage than the one you had. If you love each other and she is genuinely remorseful, takes accountability for what she did, and does what you need to reestablish some peace of mind then there is the possibility that your new marriage could be better than your old one.


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## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

Thanks Her Too - I've had a few weeks to let the emotions roll through me and I've talked to a couselor 3 times so I think I'll be calm...

It it - I'm embarrased to admit this but she admitted 4 months ago to hiding close to $150,000 from me in a seperate account that has only her name on it...I know all about it and my atty says there's no way for her to shift it without the potential of losing it all due to fraud...I do think she'll become a mascara snot running mess, but in my heart I think it'll be less about me and more about the "shame" of divorce, going it alone, etc....you're right, she looked me right in the face and swore nothing was going on, I tried to be the best husband I could after that because I KNEW that something had at least on an emotional level started...wasn't enough until she broke it off a few days ago...


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If she was hiding money from you she was already planning to dump YOU. Now you have to figure out just why her plans have changed.
Maybe she's hanging on to you to have a baby sitter until she can find a different love interest?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

hookares said:


> If she was hiding money from you she was already planning to dump YOU. Now you have to figure out just why her plans have changed.
> Maybe she's hanging on to you to have a baby sitter until she can find a different love interest?


O yes she is ready to move on . The affair is nowhere dead or she has picked up another OM. Affairs don't stop just like that its an addiction.

Read the newbie thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


Ensure you have secure the mails and the evidence of her moving monies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well if she's in contact with him then it ain't over, she must quit her job
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

pasadenasad said:


> we've been together 16 years, married for 12 and after many unsuccessful pregnacies had a gorgeous, beautiful, precious love of my life daughter 5 years ago...as a couple we've grown distant physically and emotionally over past few years but together we love our daughter immensly, and that seemed enough for me...turns out not for her. 6 months ago I saw a text from a co-worker professing his love for her, her response was a "sad face". I confronted her that I "knew" something was going on and she swore on our daughter and her late father nothing was going on...that was powerful for me so I gave her benefit of the doubt, i was wrong, she has been "seeing" this same guy for past 6 months...I found a secret yahoo account where they mail each other back and forth. There isn't a "smoking gun" e-mail trail proving actual intercourse but a few texts suggest it strongly. I consulted an attorney and saw a counselor and am planning to confront her after Christmas (didn't want to ruin it for my daughter)...BUT I am so so so sad about not seeing my daughter everyday AND it looks like they have broken up. Recent e-mails say she is still married, has a daughter and doesn't want the drama being found out would cause. She's been nice and warm since then but I can't look at her without getting angry and the "acting" is killing me. Am I wrong for still wanting a divorce? Am I being selfish where my daughter is concerned? I don't think the underlying reasons as to why she strayed will change because we just don't have passion for each other anymore...thoughts? And thanks


No one sends an email to a co-worker saying "I love you" just based on at work interaction. Your instinct are right, something much deeper is going on. Now that you have found the secret email account I don't think you need to have it spelled out.

She has lied to you - repeatedly. She is still lying to you by maintaining the secret account.

You are not wrong for wanting a divorce. You are not being selfish. If you think that staying in a loveless marriage with a lying, betraying, secretive spouse will be better for your child than divorce - you are wrong. Kids can sense the tension between parents. Your daughter will be better off in the long run.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for many (myself included). You must do what is best for you to have a chance at being happy. Your daughter will be much better off with a happy father - not one who feels trapped.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I'm embarrased to admit this but she admitted 4 months ago to hiding close to $150,000 from me in a seperate account that has only her name on it


Dude...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

So why has she not returned the cash? Or do you need to file a report of theft ? If is both your monies it stays in a joint account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

You are very close to my situatiom My D-day was end of october I have been undercover acting since. Let me say its extremely difficult to play yourself pre discovery. In my case my stbxw (takes a bit to get used to typing that) is from another country and her dad lives with us too! my daughter is the reason I went underground I continued to investigate discovered multi-cheating and on ongoing A my feelings have been batted around like a ping pong ball I went into a fog myself and considered an R with a serial cheater/patho liar!!! I somehow forgot that she had texted four different people that she didn't love me. she says it and is testing me but her actions don't line up. I know its over I have filed for D but got delayed by Christmas I am planning on confront as soon as papers are filed I wont tell her she is getting served but this acting bit I can't keep up its time for cards on the table as far as I know what she's done and played me like a grand piano. you might be able to save yours read up on the 180 as mentioned above and almost recovered story. educate yourself do free consultations with A dad's attorney. This site has been an enormous help to me - it can be very addictive we are in hell no doubt but the people here are the best. Don't know if I can help but feel free to message me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You need to demand that your name be put on the account now. If not, divorce. It's community property either way. So you'll get half of it unless she spends it right now.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Pasadena---are you in rose bowl pasadena??

You know what is really sad---is not whether she has physical contact, its that she has replaced you, in her life, and done it with deceit, conniving, sneaking, lies---That's what really hurts

She has a family, and she sneaks off to be with HIM, or she sneaks time to talk/text HIM

Also if she is hiding money---WHY---why would she need a grubstake of 150 K---or was there more, and where did it go

Seems your daughter's mother, cuz she sure doesn't act like any wife i know---has been decieving you for a very long time

In the end---you must do what is best for you and your daughter----her mother does not figure into the mix anymore


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

myself, just stealing the money aolone would do it for me...that works out to over a 1000.oo per married month...can't handle a thief


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Where did she get 150,000 bucks from??? She may be waiting till after X-Mas to kick you out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A book that may be able to bring your family back together is "His Needs Her Needs" multitudes of people swear by this book and how good it is. Good luck on saving your family.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

$150,000! 

It's xmas time. She's giving you a last Xmas together with your daughter before moving on?

Get a lawyer now. 

See if your lawyer could get a lien or court order or something against that so she cant dispose of it. Your lawyer may need to file a divorce to get that lien/freeze.

Dont expose to her till you can get your finance separated and secure.

You have to prepare. Prepare hard.

When you hit, hit strongly.

Hopefully she does not have too much of a headstart against you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

secure the money, then insecure her. At least she had the foresight to save money in the event she cheated and you wanted to divorce her. Very considerate.


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## pasadenasad (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you TDSC - I believe that you are absolutely right..

Blind - I'm sorry you're going through same thing, I think we both know what we need to do

JNJ - Yes, I live around the rose bowl area, south pasadena technically

Thanks to everyone for offering your advice and support...merry christmas to all


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Pasadenasad,
I really want to respond you privately but I have to wait because I have used up all my private messages. I am alarmed.....like really alarmed about the 150,000. In all the time I was having an affair that didn't cross my mind. I was afraid that he would be ruthless in a divorce because my H is wicked smart and would use everything he could to legally punish me. But we're on the road to reconciliation (hard but rewarding) so that thought hasn't crossed my mind in a very long time.
Please do everything you can to look into the money. That level of deceit is alarming....you got to ask yourself what else she is capable of?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can delete PM's to make room


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