# Mismatch of 'drives'



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi all,

I am sure that this is one of the most common subjects raised on these forums (particularly by men), but I feel like I need to vent- and maybe get some advice if anyone would care to help.

I am a married man of 33, my wife is 29, and we have a 2 year old daughter. We have been together for 12 years.

There has always been a mismatch of our sex drives, with me hoping/wanting sex alot more often than she does. I would say, on average, we have sex once (or sometimes twice) a month. When we do, it is nearly always good for both of us.

Up until a few years ago, we used to make love more often, say once a week. But she often did it when she didn't really want to, and in the last couple of years has decided (we kind of agreed) that we would only have sex if she initiated it- that way she would always be 'into' it when it happens. When we had this 'agreement' she said that she would 'take care of me' if quite a time passes and she just hasn't felt the mood for full sex.


The trouble is, from my point of view, things just don't happen enough for me. We normally make love once a month, and she very rarely does anything just for me (i.e. oral) when a long time passes (as she said she would), unless I really hint for it, or just plain ask for it. I hate just asking for it though, as I dont want her to do it grudgingly!

Apart form our love life, we get on reasonably well some of the time- and other times we bicker/argue a lot. The most common argument is over money issues, but sometimes we argue about the lack of sex itself. I know this is obviously a big factor in why she does not come to me more often. But even when a long time passes without argument, she is rarely in the mood.

We both work- me full time, and she works afternoons from 3pm to 8pm. So we are both quite tired quite a bit of the time.

Another contributing factor could be down to something which occurred a few years ago. She was feeling bored with the marriage, and struck up an online relationship with a man. She decided eventually to end this and stay with me. But as a result, I do find it quite hard to trust her with regards to phone and social networking use. This is made worse (for me) by the fact that she has lots of male friends who she speaks to in these ways, and I know that some of them have made advances to her. 

Apart from the online relationship I mentioned, I know that she does not feel anything other than friendship for these male friends. But I do sometimes get angry when I find out that men have said inappropriate things to her over SMS or Facebook. One of her male friends even admitted to being in love with her a few years ago. It does cause me to ask lots of questions, mainly about how they behave towards her. But despite arguments over this in past (quite a lot actually), I have refrained from constantly quizzing her over this kind of thing recently.

Despite me holding back from acting like a detective (RE her male friends) and trying my best not to mention sex when nothing has happened for a while- she still does not come to me for sex very often. very occasionally, I will initiate it, and things work out well, but I choose not to do this very often- as if I do it too often she gets annoyed (because the agreement was for her to make the moves).

Where we used to argue over lack of sex (perhaps by me being sulky, or just moaning about it), if I ever bring it up nowadays she is immediately very very defensive (and admittedly so)- and the conversations go nowhere.

I really do love my wife dearly, and we cuddle in bed almost every night (probably 6 nights a week), so it's not as though we dont have any intimacy in our marriage. And despite having a young child, we do still go out occasionally. I make sure that I compliment her alot- buy her flowers sometimes, run her baths etc. I probably do more of the housework than her, so I am not a lazy husband!

But the lack of sexual intimacy makes me feel very frustrated, and sometimes disconnected from her. It may be an obvious thing to say, but when we are having regular sex, I feel happy and on top of the world. But for her, we need to be happy etc in order for her to actually feel in the mood in the first place. But the most frustrating thing is that even when we ARE getting along really well (& I have not mentioned 'the s word' at all) things rarely happen.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You should never have made such an agreement. It is really the mans job to initiate. You cuddle up every night and it doesnt lead to sex. Doesnt sound right.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Some women just don't get it. Men need sex in a relationship to remain close to us. Give your man what he needs!

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's true that that for some of us the stars have to be aligned, the tide high, the laundry done, the kids in bed and a full body massage has to have happened before we're ready. Or for some of us, you would have had to listen to at least an hour of us go on about what happened at work, or the grocery store, our conversation with our sister or mother, and attentively banter back and forth... you get the idea.

Your concerns about her previous and current interactions with other men are valid. You may be feeling she's giving something away that only should belong to you. An emotional connection with them that only you should have with her. Your lives are busy enough, the last thing you need is distractions with other guys etc. That's not saying she's carrying on with any of them inappropriately right now, but nevertheless it's time/effort being spent outside of your relationship with her and you're not comfortable with it.

The thing about this is when you bring it up to her, she gets defensive and it turns into a fight and I think that's because she's well aware of your feelings and that she's not doing all she can to help the situation. Guilt can make people defensive. 

My husband and I just went through a spell like this... too many other things getting in the way. Work mainly (his not mine) and my assuming he's too tired/stressed to want sex. We both kind of slowed to a snails pace. We've recently come to an agreement to not let our relationship go that long without connecting more regularly. We used to be a 3 times a week couple, and we let it dwindle down to once maybe twice a month if we were lucky. We
were still cuddly and affectionate, but when it came to sex, we both got lazy. No bueno. 

You have to both come to some sort of terms with this. She has to understand that you need this connection from her as much as she needs your attention in other areas. If you are both filling one anothers cup, sex will be more frequent. I don't know how receptive she would be if you put it in those terms, you know your wife best, but somehow she has to understand where you are coming from and how serious your concerns are.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Two things:

1. Call her on her inappropriate on-lin relationships. She had an EA with the guy on line, and it looks like you both swept it under the rug to ignore it. She keeps having other relationships which hurts the connection between the two of you. You need to address this. Go to the Coping with Infidelity section to get advice on this.

2. Call her out on breaking her promise to take care of you. You never should have made it, as you essentially gave her an out on taking care of your needs. She has (intentionally or not) taken full advantage of it. You need to address that now. Some good places to look to help you are the Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. By no means fool proof, they can be helpful, and will certainly help you to improve yourself.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks for the replies guys. I want things to improve sooo much, but trying to talk about it never helps- even if it is something to try & make her feel better, or to maybe try to find out why she hasnt felt in the mood for a while. Having a discussion only delays the mood form popping for even longer- so basically the only way thinhs happen (slightly) more often is if I say nothing at all


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks for the replies guys. I want things to improve sooo much, but trying to talk about it never helps- even if it is something to try & make her feel better, or to maybe try to find out why she hasnt felt in the mood for a while. Having a discussion only delays the mood form popping for even longer- so basically the only way thinhs happen (slightly) more often is if I say nothing at all


Does she outright reject you when you initiate? 

It's funny. I have the higher drive of the two of us, but I prefer him to initiate sex. There was a time where this frustrated him, but we've been married almost 10 years and he has come to understand it's my way. I do intiate, but just not very often. I don't want to approach him if he's exhausted. I like it when he signals me that he's in the mood. 

I'm weird, I know.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Does she outright reject you when you initiate?
> 
> It's funny. I have the higher drive of the two of us, but I prefer him to initiate sex. There was a time where this frustrated him, but we've been married almost 10 years and he has come to understand it's my way. I do intiate, but just not very often. I don't want to approach him if he's exhausted. I like it when he signals me that he's in the mood.
> 
> I'm weird, I know.



She does not always outright reject me, but if no rejection, I can normally tell that she is not really enjoying things. It's different at different times!

Your situation (if I was your hubby) would be perfect for me! A wife who wants sex often, but I get to choose when it happens! He is a very lucky guy


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are the perfect husband. You allow her to flirt with other men, you help out AND you cuddle with her 6 nights a week without expecting/demanding anything in return.

How's that workin for ya?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You are the perfect husband. You allow her to flirt with other men, you help out AND you cuddle with her 6 nights a week without expecting/demanding anything in return.
> 
> How's that workin for ya?



Really helpful, thanks...

She doesn't flirt with these men, they try to with her but she doesnt reciprocate.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Your wife is getting all she needs from her online escapades...this is not good, because it has rendered you...obsolete.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She does not always outright reject me, but if no rejection, I can normally tell that she is not really enjoying things. It's different at different times!


During those times she's less than enthusiastic, what's gone on in the day? What time of day is it? 

Let me ask this... ideally how often would you like to have sex? Is there a way to split the difference? Like if you prefer it 3-4 times, could you be okay with 1-2 times a week? How about in a month?

One time we did a 2 day a week thing. We picked 2 days, and on 1 of the days we each would initiate. For example... he had Tuesday, and I had Saturday. No matter WHAT, those two days we had sex. It gave us the opportunity to look FORWARD to getting together to have that time... I got creative and sometimes would make a game of it, or offer a massage first. It was fun!

We're on a roll right now, or else I would suggest we go back to that. It really jump started us.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Your wife is getting all she needs from her online escapades...this is not good, because it has rendered you...obsolete.



Maybe I didnt explain the whole online thing well enough. She doesnt do that anymore (as far as I know, but I do keep a VERY close eye).

She generally texts her male friends- there is only one who I know has been inappropriate towards her recently. We had a massive discussion about this, and from what I have seen she does not flirt back (but I can't be 100% sure of course).

There is a guy she is friends with at work, who I know she finds attractive, but I think that's as far as it goes (friends only, and I have never seen any inappropriate messages from him).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'd like to add that I think you should initiate more often. She's controlling the pace of your sex life only when you BOTH should be equally controlling the pace. I think you should get some of that control back.

The downside of this is you feeling like she doesn't really want to and it showing... and who wants a partner who just lies there taking it? But I'm afraid if you don't gain more control, this will never end. There has to be a happy medium where you BOTH are getting your needs met. It's not right she's getting hers met (from what you can tell) all the time and you have the short end of the stick. No pun intended. lol


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Really helpful, thanks...


Stop being so nice. Read no more mr nice guy. You have become like a brother to her not her husband. Cuddling 6 nights a week without sex? No way.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> Maybe I didnt explain the whole online thing well enough. She doesnt do that anymore (as far as I know, but I do keep a VERY close eye).
> 
> She generally texts her male friends- there is only one who I know has been inappropriate towards her recently. We had a massive discussion about this, and from what I have seen she does not flirt back (but I can't be 100% sure of course).
> 
> There is a guy she is friends with at work, who I know she finds attractive, but I think that's as far as it goes (friends only, and I have never seen any inappropriate messages from him).


Why are you agreeing to this kind of behavior by her? You admit she already had one inappropriate on-line relationship. Assuming it was just an emotional affair, why do you not have any issue with her continuing to tempt herself with other men in the same way? Why is this acceptable?

By the way, I bet that the slow down in sex correlates pretty closely to her on-line involvement with these other men.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'd like to add that I think you should initiate more often. She's controlling the pace of your sex life only when you BOTH should be equally controlling the pace. I think you should get some of that control back.
> 
> The downside of this is you feeling like she doesn't really want to and it showing... and who wants a partner who just lies there taking it? But I'm afraid if you don't gain more control, this will never end. There has to be a happy medium where you BOTH are getting your needs met. It's not right she's getting hers met (from what you can tell) all the time and you have the short end of the stick. No pun intended. lol



Haha! Thanks for all your replies, you are very helpful. Regarding your earlier post, the times she is less enthusiastic are normally times if I initiate when perhaps we're in a different from normal situation- e.g. we recently had a night in a hotel. I initiated then (by giving her 0ral), which i could tell she did not want to start with, but she ended up having an orgasm.

As for me initiating more- I have been more than I kind of 'agreed' to, and to be honest I do quite often offer to pleasure her only, so as not to seem selfish. She quite often turns this down, but if I just go ahead and do it, she might let me, but I can TELL she's not wanting it to happen (like with the hotel example).

When she does initiate and we have full sex- it is very good, even if we do not like up the earth. it is of course always the best when this happens (so we are both fully into it_ I would just love for this to happen more often).

She does try to get herself in the mood sometimes- e.g. one night she took a vbrator into the bath to see if she could 'get things going', and the other night she came downstairs after a bath, wearing quite revealing clothes and no underwear, (which I only found out later), again to see if she could get things happening down there. When I realised she had no undies on, I of course was a tad confused. I asked if me initiating would have been a good idea, but she said no.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

OK this may be really personal... but how's the foreplay BEFORE you go downtown?

I can't stand it when my husband goes straight to the goodies. Tease me a little first. 

A good book to pick up to understand each other a little better is the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't read it, it will open up a whole new way of looking at your wife and how she operates. I'm a quality time girl, and my husband knows if I hadn't had much of that and he's poking around, I'm not as receptive at first. I've never turned him down for sex, but he does realize when/why I'm less enthusiastic during those times. I'm not a light switch, I'm more of a slow boiler.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> OK this may be really personal... but how's the foreplay BEFORE you go downtown?
> 
> I can't stand it when my husband goes straight to the goodies. Tease me a little first.
> 
> A good book to pick up to understand each other a little better is the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't read it, it will open up a whole new way of looking at your wife and how she operates. I'm a quality time girl, and my husband knows if I hadn't had much of that and he's poking around, I'm not as receptive at first. I've never turned him down for sex, but he does realize when/why I'm less enthusiastic during those times. I'm not a light switch, I'm more of a slow boiler.



If she has initiated things, the foreplay is good- lots of passion, kissing all over, rubbing etc. Sometimes she does not get super excited until I go down though if you know what I mean lol


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why are you agreeing to this kind of behavior by her? You admit she already had one inappropriate on-line relationship. Assuming it was just an emotional affair, why do you not have any issue with her continuing to tempt herself with other men in the same way? Why is this acceptable?
> 
> By the way, I bet that the slow down in sex correlates pretty closely to her on-line involvement with these other men.



I dont believe that ANYTHING is happening with these other men- it was just that one a few years ago. And yes it was just an EA. 
As for what you said about correlation, it doesnt seem so- if she has bene chating alot to friends, she is generally alot happier, and more likely to initiate sex!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> If she has initiated things, the foreplay is good- lots of passion, kissing all over, rubbing etc. Sometimes she does not get super excited until I go down though if you know what I mean lol


It could be she's giving you what she wants from you. Just a thought.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> It could be she's giving you what she wants from you. Just a thought.


Sorry if I've missed the point here, but I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean here. 

BTW I may not be able reply for quite a while, maybe tomorrow. But thanks for all your help so far


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> I dont believe that ANYTHING is happening with these other men- it was just that one a few years ago. And yes it was just an EA.
> As for what you said about correlation, it doesnt seem so- if she has bene chating alot to friends, she is generally alot happier, and more likely to initiate sex!


You are missing the point. She had an affair with another man on-line. Since she very likely did not wake up one day and decide to have an on-line affair, it almost certainly resulted from chatting with him. Since she has already admitted to feelings for a co-worker, why is she continuing the same type of behavior that lead to the first affair? Why do you deem it acceptable? She has already demonstrated poor boundaries once, so which is she putting herself in a position to break those boundaries again? Why does she need to chat with these men?

Are you serious about sex being better after she is chatting? Because it does not match up with your previous posts. You complain about sex being only once a month, but also that she is texting alot with her male friends. If chatting equals sex with you, why are you only having sex once a month?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> Sorry if I've missed the point here, but I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean here.
> 
> BTW I may not be able reply for quite a while, maybe tomorrow. But thanks for all your help so far


When she initiates, foreplay is passionate, long, lots of kissing etc. What I'm saying is maybe she's showing you that she wants YOU to spend time doing more of that with her when YOU initiate.

We tend to give people what we actually want for ourselves.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> When she initiates, foreplay is passionate, long, lots of kissing etc. What I'm saying is maybe she's showing you that she wants YOU to spend time doing more of that with her when YOU initiate.
> 
> We tend to give people what we actually want for ourselves.



Ahhh ok, I get you now haha, thanks. Once a few months ago that did happen, and it was good (I initiated, & a good amount of FP).


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You are missing the point. She had an affair with another man on-line. Since she very likely did not wake up one day and decide to have an on-line affair, it almost certainly resulted from chatting with him. Since she has already admitted to feelings for a co-worker, why is she continuing the same type of behavior that lead to the first affair? Why do you deem it acceptable? She has already demonstrated poor boundaries once, so which is she putting herself in a position to break those boundaries again? Why does she need to chat with these men?
> 
> Are you serious about sex being better after she is chatting? Because it does not match up with your previous posts. You complain about sex being only once a month, but also that she is texting alot with her male friends. If chatting equals sex with you, why are you only having sex once a month?



She has said that she will stop talking to men altogether if it would stop all of my questions. But I know that she is only friends with them. It would make her absolutely miserable if I stopped he from talking to them, which I do not want to do.

What I meant about the other thing is that if we have been arguing over her texting etc, she is much less likely to want sex. But if I let her get on with it (i.e. actually talk to them), just is in a much happier mood, and therefore much more likely to initiate sex.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Its quite funny, after all of my posts yesterday, she only went and 'helped me out' last night (probably because we have been getting on ok for a few days, and me not mentioning sex at all).


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'd like to add that I think you should initiate more often. She's controlling the pace of your sex life only when you BOTH should be equally controlling the pace. I think you should get some of that control back.
> 
> The downside of this is you feeling like she doesn't really want to and it showing... and who wants a partner who just lies there taking it? But I'm afraid if you don't gain more control, this will never end. There has to be a happy medium where you BOTH are getting your needs met. It's not right she's getting hers met (from what you can tell) all the time and you have the short end of the stick. No pun intended. lol


I took this advice on, by initiating things the other night (we had some fun email banter about it first), and this time- it worked! Thanks very much fr your help. 

I wont be trying to initiate every time, but to do it occasionally seems to work


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## sunnylove (Mar 27, 2012)

This may be a stretch, but next time the sex issue comes up, ask your wife, "What if I told you I loved you only once a month?" Men and women feel love in different ways in their relationship. She is denying you the way you feel most loved by her. Ask her if she'd like it if you did the same to her? (Or did it very seldom.) That may be telling her you love her, or taking her out somewhere nice, or telling her she looks beautiful. Ask her what if you only did those things once a month? It IS the same thing.

Some exhausted wives just think their husbands are acting like sex-crazed teenagers, forgetting that sex is how most men feel most connected and intimate with their wives. But because most women feel most connected and intimate in other areas, they forget that their husband may have different needs.

I would explain this to her.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

sunnylove said:


> This may be a stretch, but next time the sex issue comes up, ask your wife, "What if I told you I loved you only once a month?" Men and women feel love in different ways in their relationship. She is denying you the way you feel most loved by her. Ask her if she'd like it if you did the same to her? (Or did it very seldom.) That may be telling her you love her, or taking her out somewhere nice, or telling her she looks beautiful. Ask her what if you only did those things once a month? It IS the same thing.
> 
> Some exhausted wives just think their husbands are acting like sex-crazed teenagers, forgetting that sex is how most men feel most connected and intimate with their wives. But because most women feel most connected and intimate in other areas, they forget that their husband may have different needs.
> 
> I would explain this to her.



Thanks I may try that if get brave one day! lol


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

bizzy79 said:


> She has said that she will stop talking to men altogether if it would stop all of my questions.


That is very magnanimous of her.

It is BECAUSE of her talking to men that you even need to ask the questions.


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