# Sharing sexual past



## firsttimer25 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi there. Thanks for reading this. I am a divorced mom of a 4 year old boy. It's been a long time since I've been in a "relationship" and in the dating world. I need some advice on what's "normal".

I met a great guy -- very financially secure, good looking, appears to have a great heart. I like him. However, i've told him that I need to move slow because I am still getting used to being in this stage of my life. We started talking and texting about 5 - 6 weeks ago. We have gone on our "first date" this week and I had a good time. 

Now he's texting me and asking me to meet for dinner tonight. He also asked that I meet him for 2 lunches and 2 dinners over the weekend even though I've expressed to him that I am not comfortable leaving my son with a sitter on the weekend he is with ME. He said he understands...but now he is asking again. He's asking if he passed the "test" and he's prepared to "reel me in for the long term". I told him I had a wonderful time and I look forward to spending more time with him.

Then yesterday -- he started talking again about his ex fiance. They have been broken up for a year now. He started talking about how insecure she was when they MADE LOVE. I was stunned he texted this. He said that they stopped having sex because she always wanted to keep her shirt on. I just felt SO OVERWHELMED by this information. Is this normal? My ex is certainly not a good barometer of "normal" -- but we never talked like that in the dating stage. Not even when we were married -- I never wanted to know details about previous partners. 

Bottom line this guy has a really good heart. He has a lot of money and he likes to spoil his family and friends. It's exactly the OPPOSITE of my ex. He was a mooch and sucked me dry. So - this new guy feels like a welcome relief. But - while money is nice -- (millionare) -- I can't seem to get past some of this stuff. I know a lot of women would say too bad -- just suck it up -- he's loaded. But, I keep wondering if I am about to step into a landmine. 

Any suggestions would be appreciated.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He may have money and spoil his family, but he apparently doesn't believe in intimacy boundaries. If he blabs about his ex's personal business to a near-stranger, he could just as easily blab about your's. I really don't want my most personal secrets broadcasted. He just volunteered this information and probably has fifty times to someone else. Two lunches and two dinners and he's got plans to make this "the long term" relationship, after just a week of dating?
I'm sure you're great, but that's pretty brisk, isn't it?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sounds like you have met the king of the nice guys. Which is good in some ways and bad in others. Keep the dating contact for now, but read Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books and see if you want to go further.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, you have been talking to him 5-6 weeks and just went on your first date and he's ready to "reel you in"? Tell him to slow down a bit.

Second, my guess is that he is broaching a sexual discussion to gauge your reaction. If you were to tell him you are uncomfortable, he would interpret that as sex between the two of you won't happen for a while.

if you made a comeback like "I make sure I wear nothing when I have sex because I get so sweaty and hot", he would interpret that very favorable.

Based on your reaction (which I think may be a bit overboard with "OVERWHELMED") to what I view as a not-so-bad comment, I think you probably want to slow things down.


----------



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, you have been talking to him 5-6 weeks and just went on your first date and he's ready to "reel you in"? Tell him to slow down a bit.
> 
> Second, my guess is that he is broaching a sexual discussion to gauge your reaction. If you were to tell him you are uncomfortable, he would interpret that as sex between the two of you won't happen for a while.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you're not comfortable, listen to that feeling. 

My boyfriend and I have discussed our sexual histories, but not in specific "we did this and this and that" terms. More in terms of we discussed how many people we've each been with, how old we were the first time, if we've been safe with others, when we were last tested, stuff like that. I did tell my boyfriend a little bit about sex with my ex-husband, only because my ex was sexually abusive and I wanted my boyfriend to be aware of what he was getting into with me. We've been together for a year. 

I did tell him the story of my very first time, only because it was very funny. And I know a little about a couple of his ex-girllfriends, only because they had fetishes or issues that contributed to the break up and so he felt he needed to be sure I didn't have those same things. 

The stuff this guy is telling you doesn't really seem to fall into any of the categories I've mentioned, and even if it did, it's a bit soon for it, since you've told him you want to go slow. 

The pressure to meet when you have your son is a huge red flag for me. When I was dating, I didn't let men meet my kids until we'd been dating at least 6 months (I made an exception for my boyfriend - and he was the only guy who ever met my kids), and if they pushed for it, that was an instant end to it. I feel, as it seems you do, that it's my job to protect my kids, and part of that protection includes not introducing them to men that may not be around for long, or men that might have less than good intentions toward them. 

Money is not the most important thing. If you feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or just plain decide you don't like him, then follow that feeling and don't see him anymore, or limit the time with him. If you decide to continue seeing him, make clear what you won't tolerate: the talking about his ex and sex, pushing to meet your kid, pushing to see you when you've said you can't/won't. If he doesn't respect that, then stop seeing him.


----------



## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

There were two things that struck me in your post. One was the money. I know it's tempting to be taken care of after a blead dry by your ex. However, not all that glitters is gold. When you decide, try not to let the financial part influence you. Does he love children, because you have one already. How about others children?I was with someone once who was nice and generous with everyone then one day, he was nice and generous with everyone but me and everyone told me I had the greatest guy on earth so much that I wanted to puke. Keep your eyes open.
The other thing that struck me was that he texted about his wife's shirt in bed? My husband and I tell each other everything, but that never included what his or my exs did in bed. And what does he mean they got a divorce over her wearing a shirt? Is he kidding? That scares me. Is there more to the divorce than that?It makes me wonder what little infraction he would divorce you over? 

You will be taken out of your comfort zone in the dating world, but if you really are feeling "overwhelmed", then you need to remind him that you need to go slowly that this feels a little fast for you. Is it fast in reality? That depends. For the two of you, it sounds like it. Every relationship is different, so listen to your heart and your mind on this one.


----------



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Sorry, I'll take a different approach. 

It's very possible that for some reason, he thinks that he has found someone who may be a keeper. Most likely, it's because your contact has not been face to face very much, yet way too much texting for only a potential relationship. Maybe, he's attributing characteristics to you that he has hoped to find. He thinks you are the kind've person who would understand, so he's assuming that you'll know why he's telling you this. Regardless, you will have to let him know that he needs to slow it down. Unless he inherited, guys don't genrally find themselves in his position if they are stupid or antisocial.

Once he realizes that you are not this person that he thinks you are, he will probably really slow down on his own. And honestly, if he senses that you would be the kind to go with the flow just because he has money, it'll be over anyway.

Maybe I find myself a little too close to this one, but it is a huge showstopper in a relationship if the guy suspects its about money. I give what some might call lavish gifts to my friends because it makes me feel good to give them something they want, but can't afford, but would never do it if I thought it was the reason we were friends.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'd like to know what your concern is?

Timeframes aside, have you _imagined_ sleeping with this guy?

What is the extent of your physical relationship so far? Anything?

I second AtholK's post. He sounds a little too eager to please, and a little too hopeful about the direction of your relationship. I'm a little baffled that he waited 5 or 6 weeks to take you on a date - or was that your choice?

For context, and this is the honest to God truth, myself and the woman I'm seeing talked a bit about our sexual histories last night.

That was our third date. In the scheme of things, you have probably known your guy longer. We laughed a lot. It was comfortable and playful, and at times serious. The discussion reinforced our connection, and where we see our relationship going. In other words, we are going to have a sexual relationship rather than being buddies. But I also know that she is not looking for her next husband. Were I to say "I'm ready to reel you in for the long term." she would likely be backing off instead of moving forward. We 'click'. Are you clicking with this guy?

My concern is that he doesn't seem to be paying attention to what you are telling him. I can understand him wanting to get to know more about you, and if he has concerns about a potential partner from a sexuality perspective then him wanting to broach the subject makes perfect sense. 

What he did isn't odd - but it does lend the appearance that he isn't doing the things that would be easing your discomfort, instead of increasing it. 

Be up front with him. It may make for some awkward moments, but you will both be better served. If you tell him that his bringing up sex is too much information too soon, you either force a reset on his expectations, or he has the opportunity to decide to move on - same as you.

Good luck.


----------



## firsttimer25 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with a lot that was said here. First off -- I am not saying I'm after his money. I'm not. I'm just saying that he's very successful and bright - and he is opposite of my ex. It makes me feel enticed to hang in there longer..because there are so many good things about him. 

To answer some questions - I did not meet him for 5 weeks because for the first 2 we were just chatting back and forth and then I had to go out of town for 2 weeks and ...then I arrived home the exact day he was leaving on vacation. So we finally got together this week. He is VERY interested obviously. I should point out that he scared me because he offered to fly to the town I was in -- just to take me to dinner (for our first date)... I was there for my grandfather's funeral... it was not the time for me to be going on a first date and he knew that.

It is very true that he is acting so strongly because he says that I have all the qualities he wants in a wife. Of course the question is - does he feel that they are good enough in real life - in person - long term. That's going to take time for him to figure out, of course. 

I have not been physical at all with him. He's a gentleman - didn't even try to kiss me on the first date. I am pleased with that to be honest. The reason I think I was sensitive the information on his ex is that he has talked a lot about her. On our 2nd phone call he kept telling me about the escalade he bought her to drive around and how she was manipulative and threw him out of that car one night because he felt she was driving too fast. yada yada. I don't really know why he felt the need to talk about her so much. He told me that even her father was upset that he dumped her -- and told him that he was the best boyfriend his daughter ever had. etc etc.

He talks about her a lot. The sex information came up when we were texting. I told him that if he liked drama (in joking manner) I was not his girl. That I just don't feed off of it. He then told me a story about how his ex was constantly yelling at him that the coffee was too strong -- that she complained about his home - so he told her to go find a new house and she showed him a 4 million dollar house. He then said that she didn't like him to cuddle her ...and that she was very ashamed of her body. He said she was gorgeous but that she was into plastic surgery and felt she couldn't have anyone look at her body until her arms got firmer and her butt - smaller. He then told me that he stopped having sex frequently with her because she didn't like herself and even wanted to keep the lights off and a shirt on. 

He has never been married before -- he's 42. He does want children -- VERY badly. He even said he's thought of adopting and hiring a nanny for help. He owns his own company and has worked his life away and says he is ready for a family. He wanted to meet my son and take him to dinner. He joked this morning that if I was worried about being away from my son over the weekend (when out with him) that he would just go buy him his favorite truck (my son adores trucks) but he meant (jokingly) the REAL truck. 

He has so much money and he honestly doesn't even understand how real people live and talk. I found that really mean to say...but I am sure he was just joking. But - time with a child can not be replaced with any kind of "toy". I am very sensitive about it -- 

I called him this morning and told him I needed him to slow down a bit. That I really could care less about his money etc...that I liked HIM but that I was worried that rushing this would ruin a very good thing. He seemed to accept that fairly well. He just said -- well know that I am interested. If you want to fly out of town just for the weekend -- I'm game. He offered to book TWO hotel rooms -- just wanted to spend time with me. 

WHY in the world would I have trouble with this? This is the partner I have always dreamed of...my ex never cared about me...or wanted to do these things...now I find the guy who wants it all ...and all I can think about is how much I miss my life with my ex. Not the drama -- but just the fact that it was familiar I suppose...

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well ... we could dramatize this whole thing til we're blue in the face.

If both of you are coming off long term, painful, relationships, his enthusiasm and your reluctance both make sense.

I think you are already aware that the money has little to do with being emotionally compatible. Until you have an answer to that question, I think taking it slow is the best way to proceed.

Be careful of what you wish for I guess, huh?


----------



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

firsttimer25 said:


> He talks about her a lot. The sex information came up when we were texting. I told him that if he liked drama (in joking manner) I was not his girl. That I just don't feed off of it. He then told me a story about how his ex was constantly yelling at him that the coffee was too strong -- that she complained about his home - so he told her to go find a new house and she showed him a 4 million dollar house. He then said that she didn't like him to cuddle her ...and that she was very ashamed of her body. He said she was gorgeous but that she was into plastic surgery and felt she couldn't have anyone look at her body until her arms got firmer and her butt - smaller. He then told me that he stopped having sex frequently with her because she didn't like herself and even wanted to keep the lights off and a shirt on.
> 
> He has never been married before -- he's 42. He does want children -- VERY badly. He even said he's thought of adopting and hiring a nanny for help. He owns his own company and has worked his life away and says he is ready for a family. He wanted to meet my son and take him to dinner. He joked this morning that if I was worried about being away from my son over the weekend (when out with him) that he would just go buy him his favorite truck (my son adores trucks) but he meant (jokingly) the REAL truck. .


I agree with the comment that he doesn't really know how to talk to people, in a sense. Good thing is that he seems to trust you, so it should go well if you tell him there are boundaries with talking about his ex.

Regarding the lavish gifts, it seems that there might be a little of the desire to buy his way to a warm place in people's heart. In the end, he's probably hoping that you'd still think the same if he had nothing.


----------



## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just finished reading Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," so I'll explain it similar to the way he would. This guy is done sport fishing and looking for a keeper. He's narrowed his sights on you and is making plans for your future. 

You've told him repeatedly that you need to take things slow, which is fine, you should go at whatever pace works for you. But don't fault him for making plans and trying to include you in them. He might get ahead of himself again, and you might have to (gently) remind him to slow down but don't get upset about it. Don't ruin a good thing just because you're not familiar with being treated well.

Sometimes things get lost in translation via text and you might not really understand the meaning. If something bothers you, you might have to ask him what he meant. Maybe he is awkward when it comes to dating and unaware that he shouldn't be talking to you so much about his ex? Or perhaps he's using your reactions to the things he says about his ex to figure you out?


----------



## onetimer6804 (Oct 19, 2012)

Atholk said:


> Sounds like you have met the king of the nice guys. Which is good in some ways and bad in others. Keep the dating contact for now, but read Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books and see if you want to go further.


just bought this book.


----------



## amandbaca (Oct 31, 2012)

I did tell my boyfriend a little bit about sex with my ex-husband


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I shared my sexual past with my wife... felt she had every right to know. But, this came far into our relationship, I mean like two-years in. I figured if she was going to marry me she had every right to know what kind of screwed up individual she was about to deal with... 

And, I mean my sexual past is long and extremely diverse. Was my wife shocked and maybe had reservations? Sure, but after nearly 18 years... I think the past is past. 

But, weeks into a relationship, eek... TMI at that point.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I lol'd when I saw that I responded to this thread and couldn't remember doing it. That was 2 years ago!

Thread Resurrection!


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

If it was not for the money you would already know this guy is kinda wierd. If you proceed you will not respect yourself......and the guys wierd!


----------

