# What do you do when your wife leaves the house after a fight and you are missing her, but you do not feel that you did anything wrong?



## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

My wife 34 and I 29 moved to our new house a month ago. She has depression and mental health issues and I always feel she wants to start a fight to yell at me and just get it out. It is like a pattern that happens once a month but during the last few months we started fighting like 2 or 3 times a week and sure our romantic life was on pause. I always took the blame because she knows how to throw it on me and I love her, and I am weak in arguments and don't like to fight in general she calls me the peacekeeper so I apologise and we move on. We moved to a new house and we both have full time jobs and busy during the week and with the unpacking and furniting our new home. She started complaining that I don't love her anymore so we got into a fight and I told her that I don't want to talk to her now and I left the house for a few hours when I came back she was in our bedroom, she showererd which was not easy for her to do before and she was half naked. I was not really in any mood to go to her and even see her so I went to sleep in a different room. She came down angry and started asking me if it is fair that I left without telling her where I was going when she told me that she is going to the store after our fight. Then I told her I am tried of fighting and I want to go to sleep. She kept repeating the same argument that it is not fair that I left without telling her where I am going when she did tell me where she is going. I apologized from her for doing that and I told her that she is right and it is not fair and I am tierd now and would like to sleep. She said so you don't want to put any efforts in the marriage (this is so not true) I said not tonight I am tierd let me go to sleep. So she got super mad and took my phone and keys and asked me to leave our house and I said no I am not leaving anywhere. She ran upstairs and tried to throw my staff outside I tried to stop her by grabbing her arm but I failed and she broke my phone and asked me to leave again and I said no. She went and called the police, they came were very polite I told them what happened and she told them her side of the story and they could not do anything so they just left. She took her stuff and left to stay in a hotel since we don't have any family or friends in this area, that was 2 days ago. We did not talk, text or anything. I miss her but at the same time I am ready for anything. I don't feel I did anything wrong and I am in a tight spot and not sure what to do.

PS we do not have kids yet.


*Update after 3 days of no-contact: she sent me and email telling me where she's staying and telling me to come in when I am ready to talk.*


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I am not condoning what she did. But your with someone with mental health issues. She feels emotional, and she comes to you irrationally looking for validation and looking for support. It’s not fair to you I know. When you leave, I’m sure it makes her feel even more like you don’t love her. 

I understand why your mad. But she was looking for support, and you received it as you did something wrong and your bad and you can’t do anything right, so you get mad and defensive and you just want to leave. 

You need to try to think of the problem, and tackle it together as a team. Not blame each other or attack each other. The problem is she doesn’t feel loved. The problem is NOT you don’t make her feel loved, your not a good husband etc. when she comes to you telling you she doesn’t feel loved, sit down with her, listen to her, tell her your sorry she feels that way and you don’t want her to feel that way. Because that’s the truth. Then work the problem out. Don’t let her manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. But most of the time, we just need to be assured that we are loved and we do matter.

This is who she is. She has emotional issues. You guys have to learn how to fight and handle these situations. She can improve, and you can improve. But you guys really need to be on the same team fighting the problems together.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> I am not condoning what she did. But your with someone with mental health issues. She feels emotional, and she comes to you irrationally looking for validation and looking for support. It’s not fair to you I know. When you leave, I’m sure it makes her feel even more like you don’t love her.
> 
> I understand why your mad. But she was looking for support, and you received it as you did something wrong and your bad and you can’t do anything right, so you get mad and defensive and you just want to leave.
> 
> ...


 Thank you so much for your advice. I agree but I don't have the energy right now to talk to her because I am afraid she is going to blame me and I am not able to fight back or explain to her anything. At least right now but definitely when I feel like I am able to talk and handle a conversation with her I will reach out.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Calling the police is extreme. Heck, even just _breaking your phone_ is extreme. Catering to her "emotional" problems isn't going to solve HER dysfunction. And yes, calling the police screams that she is in no shape to have a healthy relationship.

I'd either request she begin intense individual counseling, or divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Girl power gave good advice...
I’ll add this:
Her calling the police on you—- that’s a deal breaker in my opinion.
She needs to get on some medication and if this is how she acts ON medication you should leave her. The longer you stretch this out, the worse you will be financially.
Personally, I have no desire to be married to a person with severe mental health issueS. Too late, you love her, right?
Well police calls will get you out in prison.
At this point you should consider seeing an attorney. Gotta protect yourself, or you can’t really protect your wife either.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you so much for your advice. I agree but I don't have the energy right now to talk to her because I am afraid she is going to blame me and I am not able to fight back or explain to her anything. At least right now but definitely when I feel like I am able to talk and handle a conversation with her I will reach out.


I think that you guys need to have a serious sit down chat. You can acknowledge her emotional problems and her feelings of not being loved, and comfort her by telling her that’s not what you want her to feel. BUT then tell her that what she did is not ok. Period. And that you are going to establish some boundaries. 

I know your tired, but sweeping it under the rug is the worst thing you can do. It’s time open have a serious conversation with her. Maybe even therapy.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you so much for your advice. I agree but I don't have the energy right now to talk to her because I am afraid she is going to blame me and I am not able to fight back or explain to her anything. At least right now but definitely when I feel like I am able to talk and handle a conversation with her I will reach out.


It’s a difficult situation because you need time alone, and time alone probably makes her more mad, and makes her feel like you don’t care about her. If you really need time alone, I think the least you can do is text her telling her you love her, but right now you need space and can’t dive into the nitty gritty. This way, she gets a little validation, and you get your space


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Has she always been like this? Because if calling the cops and breaking stuff is not unusually for her, you need to stop enabling her, and separate from her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

My take on this is that you have become the punching bag for her emotional swings. Not standing up for whats right and just apologizing to end the fight has set a bad precedent in the relationship. Maybe she feels better when she is able to put you down. This will only continue. This is 1/10 of what it will be after kids.

This is a major red flag that you are headed down a massively bumpy road in this relationship. It is fortunate that you have this information pre-kids. Think hard about this. There are a lot of great women out there who do not act like this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mental illness is not an excuse for her to act like that, or for you to enable her. I'm married to someone with mental health issues so I get it, to whatever extent. The thing is, your wife is getting worse instead of better and that's not okay. 

Everyone has bad days. The other day my wife was struggling a lot, had a stop at being pissed off on the rollercoaster of emotions, and directed it at me. It rarely happens, I knew why it was happening, and held her, kissed her, told her I loved her, and didn't fight back. Handling it that way is fine when it's more of a one-off. With your wife, this is happening several times a week. She NEEDS to get help for that. 

She NEEDS to find a therapist, NEEDS to do the work on herself, and she NEEDS to either get on medication or talk to her doctor and have her medications adjusted. Mental illness or not she is an adult and she is responsible for herself and her actions. You are not responsible to fix her, nor can you. 

It's not acceptable for your wife to break your stuff, and it's absolutely not okay for her to call the cops on you. That's more than "she's just emotional, she's just having a bad day". That's in the territory of getting dangerous for you. What's next? She calls the cops saying you beat her and you're kicked out of your house or in a jail cell? Don't assume she won't do that... she's not far from doing it. 

You need to start setting boundaries. It's not acceptable for her to act like this. It's not acceptable for her mental illness (sounds like more than depression, btw) to go untreated. If she won't take care of herself and better herself for the marriage, then you do not have to stay with her. She does not get to use mental illness as an excuse, neither should you. 



> PS we do not have kids yet.


I would strongly advise holding off on kids until her mental illness is better controlled, and you have a plan with her doctor on what she will do about her medications during pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Calling the police is extreme. Heck, even just _breaking your phone_ is extreme. Catering to her "emotional" problems isn't going to solve HER dysfunction. And yes, calling the police screams that she is in no shape to have a healthy relationship.
> 
> I'd either request she begin intense individual counseling, or divorce.





Livvie said:


> Calling the police is extreme. Heck, even just _breaking your phone_ is extreme. Catering to her "emotional" problems isn't going to solve HER dysfunction. And yes, calling the police screams that she is in no shape to have a healthy relationship.
> 
> I'd either request she begin intense individual counseling, or divorce.


Thank you! By the way when she called the police she said" He grabbed me by the arm and she does not feel safe with me being here" Thank god when they came in and saw that I am calm and stable with a broken phone they believed my story which is the truth and just said to be apart and calm down. Prior to our relationship 3 years ago she spent some time going to counseling and even the beginning of our relationship but then she stopped because we moved. She take her medications (3 as I know) but sometimes she forgets and I doubt that they are working


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> It’s a difficult situation because you need time alone, and time alone probably makes her more mad, and makes her feel like you don’t care about her. If you really need time alone, I think the least you can do is text her telling her you love her, but right now you need space and can’t dive into the nitty gritty. This way, she gets a little validation, and you get your space


Thank you "Girl_Power" I will send her an email explaining briefly that I need space and honestly at this time I am not sure if my love for her will be more powerful that my desire to leave and end this nightmare.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> Has she always been like this? Because if calling the cops and breaking stuff is not unusually for her, you need to stop enabling her, and separate from her.


With me this is the first time, she tried to throw my clothes outside in the past and when I went to get them she locked the door from inside. Calling the cops is the first time and I said to her "I am not leaving you can call the cops" so she did. Definitely I have to stand up for myself and be away from her at least for the time being.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What was her goal in taking your keys and phone? I don't get it. Did she want to throw them out a window so you would have to go outside long enough for her to lock the door? Or was she insisting that you leave with no car and no communication? Because either one of those is bad but stranding you is dangerous and bad. You need a cash stash, and an abuse escape plan.

I strongly advise abused partners like you to separate and divorce. You need to be alive first. If you continue to live with her you won't be.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My plumber grabbed his wife's phone and threw it against the wall breaking it. Never touched her. The wife called the police, he was arrested and got a felony on his record which affected his license to do business. Your wife was lucky the cops just walked away.

You don't have kids. Exit stage left. You are in for a world of hurt if you stay with this person. Until you are able to get away, get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you when interacting with her. You don't want her manufacturing claims against you.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

re16 said:


> My take on this is that you have become the punching bag for her emotional swings. Not standing up for whats right and just apologizing to end the fight has set a bad precedent in the relationship. Maybe she feels better when she is able to put you down. This will only continue. This is 1/10 of what it will be after kids.
> 
> This is a major red flag that you are headed down a massively bumpy road in this relationship. It is fortunate that you have this information pre-kids. Think hard about this. There are a lot of great women out there who do not act like this.


Thank you! I am really a good husband and she herself says that multiple times but I feel she is bipolar in the morning of that day when we had the fight she said I am so happy, you did everything (Made breakfast, cleaned the snow off her car, was nice and loving all day long) in the afternoon she brought a topic and I said I will work on improving regarding this topic but she won't take my words at all and she kept saying you won't improve, your words mean nothing.... and then I was like hey you are not really putting any efforts except complaining about me you are selfish and ignorant and I don't want to talk to you right now" that's how we started with that fight.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> Mental illness is not an excuse for her to act like that, or for you to enable her. I'm married to someone with mental health issues so I get it, to whatever extent. The thing is, your wife is getting worse instead of better and that's not okay.
> 
> Everyone has bad days. The other day my wife was struggling a lot, had a stop at being pissed off on the rollercoaster of emotions, and directed it at me. It rarely happens, I knew why it was happening, and held her, kissed her, told her I loved her, and didn't fight back. Handling it that way is fine when it's more of a one-off. With your wife, this is happening several times a week. She NEEDS to get help for that.
> 
> ...


Thank you! yes I am not even thinking of sleeping with her in the near future. I am honestly not attracted to her anymore. All you advice here helped me realized that I need to sort my feelings and work myself out of this financially and emotionally


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> What was her goal in taking your keys and phone? I don't get it. Did she want to throw them out a window so you would have to go outside long enough for her to lock the door? Or was she insisting that you leave with no car and no communication? Because either one of those is bad but stranding you is dangerous and bad. You need a cash stash, and an abuse escape plan.
> 
> I strongly advise abused partners like you to separate and divorce. You need to be alive first. If you continue to live with her you won't be.


Thank you! she was trying to throw them outside so I will go to get them and by that time she will lock the door. Yes it is time to do that otherwise worst things is going to happen to me if I keep going this way plus as you said I am no longer happy in this marriage.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you! By the way when she called the police she said" He grabbed me by the arm and she does not feel safe with me being here" Thank god when they came in and saw that I am calm and stable with a broken phone they believed my story which is the truth and just said to be apart and calm down. Prior to our relationship 3 years ago she spent some time going to counseling and even the beginning of our relationship but then she stopped because we moved. She take her medications (3 as I know) but sometimes she forgets and I doubt that they are working


Hell no. Leave her.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> My plumber grabbed his wife's phone and threw it against the wall breaking it. Never touched her. The wife called the police, he was arrested and got a felony on his record which affected his license to do business. Your wife was lucky the cops just walked away.
> 
> You don't have kids. Exit stage left. You are in for a world of hurt if you stay with this person. Until you are able to get away, get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you when interacting with her. You don't want her manufacturing claims against you.


Exactly, she tried to influence that I grabbed her arm and it is not safe for her to stay near me. Thank god the police were understanding and they saw that she was hysterical and I was calm with a broken phone so they believed my story. I got the recorder on my phone in case she called me and in case I am with her in the same room. I will be working my way out. Thank you for your advice!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you! I am really a good husband and she herself says that multiple times but I feel she is bipolar in the morning of that day when we had the fight she said I am so happy, you did everything (Made breakfast, cleaned the snow off her car, was nice and loving all day long) in the afternoon she brought a topic and I said I will work on improving regarding this topic but she won't take my words at all and she kept saying you won't improve, your words mean nothing.... and then I was like hey you are not really putting any efforts except complaining about me you are selfish and ignorant and I don't want to talk to you right now" that's how we started with that fight.


To be honest you’re not the most emotionally intelligent person. You guys are just incompatible.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Has she always been like this? Because if calling the cops and breaking stuff is not unusually for her, you need to stop enabling her, and separate from her.


In a nut shell, Girl_power is dead on. Your W needs to consult a doctor to assure mental stability. Your W might have anger issues and this needs to be addressed as well. I also appears you two have not practiced arguing fairly. Raising voices need to go.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> To be honest you’re not the most emotionally intelligent person. You guys are just incompatible.


I am not. I was in a fewer relationships in my life then her, she was married before plus she has 5 more years of life experience on top of mine so yes I am not emotionally intelligent!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you! By the way when she called the police she said" He grabbed me by the arm and she does not feel safe with me being here" Thank god when they came in and saw that I am calm and stable with a broken phone they believed my story which is the truth and just said to be apart and calm down. Prior to our relationship 3 years ago she spent some time going to counseling and even the beginning of our relationship but then she stopped because we moved. She take her medications (3 as I know) but sometimes she forgets and I doubt that they are working


You got pretty damn lucky with the cop's reaction. I wouldn't expect to be so lucky next time. 

Moving is absolutely not a reason to stop therapy. She should have had a new therapist lined up before the move, then started immediately. 

For her meds, either she isn't taking them at all or they are not working. Keep in mind though, medications will not fix her issues. She needs to be using a combination of tools.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Thank you! I am really a good husband and she herself says that multiple times but I feel she is bipolar in the morning of that day when we had the fight she said I am so happy, you did everything (Made breakfast, cleaned the snow off her car, was nice and loving all day long) in the afternoon she brought a topic and I said I will work on improving regarding this topic but she won't take my words at all and she kept saying you won't improve, your words mean nothing.... and then I was like hey you are not really putting any efforts except complaining about me you are selfish and ignorant and I don't want to talk to you right now" that's how we started with that fight.


So, don't say someone is bipolar because they have mood swings like that. That's a guaranteed way to piss someone off, and it's not what bipolar looks like. People with bipolar typically do not cycle that quickly.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobert said:


> So, don't say someone is bipolar because they have mood swings like that. That's a guaranteed way to piss someone off, and it's not what bipolar looks like. People with bipolar typically do not cycle that quickly.


And telling your wife they are selfish and ignorant and you don’t want to talk to them... probably not the smartest thing to say.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> And telling your wife they are selfish and ignorant and you don’t want to talk to them... probably not the smartest thing to say.


Right. I should not have said that to her. I said that because she will keep complaining and stand still in the fight for hours and won't stop and if she do not hear what she wants (which I truly don't know what she wants to hear) but definitely I should not say that to anyone especially her.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> So, don't say someone is bipolar because they have mood swings like that. That's a guaranteed way to piss someone off, and it's not what bipolar looks like. People with bipolar typically do not cycle that quickly.


Absolutely. what I meant it to say that it is extremely hard for me to keep on with her moods. In the morning she is happy and praise me as a great husband and saying things like "omg I can't believe you did this for me", "you a great husband", "how can I pay you back when I do something for her" .... and then she will start an argument that she knows we fought about in the past a few hours later.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Absolutely. what I meant it to say that it is extremely hard for me to keep on with her moods. In the morning she is happy and praise me as a great husband and saying things like "omg I can't believe you did this for me", "you a great husband", "how can I pay you back when I do something for her" .... and then she will start an argument that she knows we fought about in the past a few hours later.


I understand what you meant, and a lot of people use that same bipolar line. I've even done it before I was thrown into the world of mental illness. It's not accurate though and kind of makes the speaker look like an idiot or uneducated.

Even doctors can have a hard time diagnosing someone. My wife has two doctors at two different psych hospitals and they've spent a year arguing about what her diagnosis is. One says she absolutely has x mental illness and the other says she absolutely does not. So don't bother trying to decide what your wife has or does not have. Regardless of her diagnosis, it's not being properly treated (by her own doing) and that's the most important piece of info.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DeanG said:


> I feel she is bipolar in the morning of that day when we had the fight


Has she been diagnosed as bipolar or with any mental disorder by a licensed medical professional?

Or is her mental state simply your opinion.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No kids? Mental Illness? 

divorce and feel relief.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> Has she been diagnosed as bipolar or with any mental disorder by a licensed medical professional?
> 
> Or is her mental state simply your opinion.


She was not diagnosed as bipolar by a medical professional before (That was a wrong word that I used to describe her mood swings and it is completely wrong and I am sorry for using this word). She is professionally diagnosed with depression and anxiety.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You don't have to be sorry but I can't help but wonder if the mood swings are more due to the rapid deterioration of the marital state as well as your inability to communicate effectively and de-escalate conflict.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Trident said:


> You don't have to be sorry but I can't help but wonder if the mood swings are more due to the rapid deterioration of the marital state as well as your inability to communicate effectively and de-escalate conflict.


Well the thing is we have been together for 3 years married for 1.5. We lived together for almost 1 year so far but moved 3 times due to relocation so there is a lot of stress due to that fact and the buying a new house and getting everything in order. I am sure that my inability to communicate effectively and de-escalate the conflict helped fueling the situation but what makes me wonder is that at least during the first 2.5 years we did not have such kind of repetitive arguments it all started to happen like 6 months ago and kept escalating.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Well the thing is we have been together for 3 years married for 1.5. We lived together for almost 1 year so far but moved 3 times due to relocation so there is a lot of stress due to that fact and the buying a new house and getting everything in order. I am sure that my inability to communicate effectively and de-escalate the conflict helped fueling the situation but what makes me wonder is that at least during the first 2.5 years we did not have such kind of repetitive arguments it all started to happen like 6 months ago and kept escalating.


So the question is... what are you going to do now?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Maybe you can't communicate well, but that is absolutely not an excuse for her to break things and call the cops crying spousal abuse.



DeanG said:


> it all started to happen like 6 months ago and kept escalating.


For all we know, she stopped her medications at that point.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

There is so much fail here it's probably above everybody's pay grade to render any help.
You said you just moved into a new house. Is this also a geographical relocation from family. Do you have any family close by to help you out?
I say this because you aren't safe in this house with her. You are only one step away from jail at this point. Her next call to 911 will probably result in your removal from the house.
She broke your phone, this is domestic violence in and of itself. 
You need either a VAR or a new phone so you can record at a moments notice.
This isn't her first day like this. Why on earth did you just buy a new house and move in if this is the condition of your marriage?
No kids, If you were my son, I'd tell you not to spend one more minute with her.
You can't fix her. This only gets worse, not better.
To my fellow poster, flip the genders here and if this was a young wife saying her husband did this, would anyone suggest staying in this mess?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're either going to accept that this is how she's going to be or you're going to decide you deserve better treatment and change the locks. Mental illness isn't an excuse for expecting someone to just put up with your 
Horrible behavior.

The real problem is you don't know what you want. For some reason you think you deserve this kind of treatment and don't deserve some peace in your life and someone who you can peacefully exist with.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> So the question is... what are you going to do now?


I will send her a BRIEF email to explain that I need some time away from her and I will get a lawyer in the picture from my side only in case things are going south.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> Maybe you can't communicate well, but that is absolutely not an excuse for her to break things and call the cops crying spousal abuse.
> 
> 
> For all we know, she stopped her medications at that point.


She does not take them consistently and for the last 3 days since she is not staying home she does not have them with her because they are here in the cabinet.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

shortbus said:


> There is so much fail here it's probably above everybody's pay grade to render any help.
> You said you just moved into a new house. Is this also a geographical relocation from family. Do you have any family close by to help you out?
> I say this because you aren't safe in this house with her. You are only one step away from jail at this point. Her next call to 911 will probably result in your removal from the house.
> She broke your phone, this is domestic violence in and of itself.
> ...


Thank you for your advice. We completely moved to a different side of the country. I don't have any family or friends here. She does, but her family are not that supportive (like they won't let her stay at there place) not because they don't like her but because they have their own problems. I got a new phone. The reason why I stayed with her because at some point we were happy and she improved a lot from the day we met but for some reasons and maybe my own behaviors and the stress of moving (since I was alone responsible of all the logistics) she started to feel left out and her mental status deteriorate quickly. I realize and agree that I cannot change her but I thought I will have a chance to maybe make the situation acceptable but it looks like I was completely wrong.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're either going to accept that this is how she's going to be or you're going to decide you deserve better treatment and change the locks. Mental illness isn't an excuse for expecting someone to just put up with your
> Horrible behavior.
> 
> The real problem is you don't know what you want. For some reason you think you deserve this kind of treatment and don't deserve some peace in your life and someone who you can peacefully exist with.


It is right I am confused and I don't know what I want and I have low self confidence at times. Right now I am sure I realize what I want. I want to end this endless loop and get out! it will be good for me and her


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DeanG said:


> It is right I am confused and I don't know what I want and I have low self confidence at times. Right now I am sure I realize what I want. I want to end this endless loop and get out! it will be good for me and her


Do you think maybe you're a little codependent? Realize that she may just be someone you can care about but not live with. I think most of us have someone like that. but just because we care about someone doesn't make us obligated to put up with whatever they dish out. It is healthy to have boundaries and to demand the best for yourself. Obviously this isn't very healthy for you. 

You need to just get her out of your house and where you're not sharing money with her and let her worry about taking care of herself. Then as long as you keep a good boundary you can still meet her out someplace so she doesn't just try to move in and be friends with her or whatever.


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you think maybe you're a little codependent? Realize that she may just be someone you can care about but not live with. I think most of us have someone like that. but just because we care about someone doesn't make us obligated to put up with whatever they dish out. It is healthy to have boundaries and to demand the best for yourself. Obviously this isn't very healthy for you.
> 
> You need to just get her out of your house and where you're not sharing money with her and let her worry about taking care of herself. Then as long as you keep a good boundary you can still meet her out someplace so she doesn't just try to move in and be friends with her or whatever.


Yes I am. I take care of her and everything around the house but I am definitely co-dependent and scared of being alone


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## DeanG (Feb 3, 2021)

*She just sent me an email 2 lines saying where she is staying and telling me to go there when I am ready to talk.*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife is a giant barnacle on the happiness of life. How you could even consider anything different than an immediate divorce is beyond me. How can you hate yourself enough to keep carrying on like this ???


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DeanG said:


> *She just sent me an email 2 lines saying where she is staying and telling me to go there when I am ready to talk.*


The reply email should say.....”I am ready to talk.....to a lawyer”

Your entire life is filled with nothing but her jerking your chain.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DeanG said:


> She just sent me an email 2 lines saying where she is staying and telling me to go there when I am ready to talk.


That doesn't erase all the issues that are going on here so don't go rug sweeping things. It's not safe for you at this point. You need to figure out what you need from her before talking to her, either divorce or terms for staying together. Things cannot keep going like this. 

IMO... If she is not going to find a new therapist and go regularly, you cannot stay in this marriage. If she is not going to find a new psychiatrist and have her diagnosis AND meds adjusted, you cannot stay in this marriage. If she is not going to go back on her meds AND stay on them, you cannot stay in this marriage. If she does not want to work on herself and take care of herself, you cannot stay in this marriage. 

She is not a healthy or safe partner right now, and that will not change unless she puts in the work. Also, she cannot just say she will do it. You need to see action, and don't jump back in until she's been consistently doing the work for at least 6 months. 

It sounds like you also need to find a therapist so you can work on yourself. Whether you stay together or not, unhealthy people cannot have a healthy marriage/relationship. You may benefit from marriage counseling later on (if you stay together), but you both need to do the individual work first.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DeanG said:


> Yes I am. I take care of her and everything around the house but I am definitely co-dependent and scared of being alone


Book: Codependent No More


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DeanG said:


> *She just sent me an email 2 lines saying where she is staying and telling me to go there when I am ready to talk.*


Nope, no way. You tell HER to get her arse home now, so that you two can sort this ****show out. Actually don't do this, for YOUR safety. It was an absolute dog act of hers to call the police on you - you won't be so lucky next time.

Mental Health is not an excuse for appalling behaviour. It's become the go to, for justifying just about anything and I for one am so over it. 

She was happy for a while when you first got together because her mask was on. She was on her best behaviour and probably was feeling happy and light - new love does that. As time goes on however, it's exhausting to keep up the charade and the mask starts to slip. You're now seeing who she really is.

I think you should divorce and walk away as its a short marriage and there are no kids involved, but if you want to give it one last shot, you need to make certain things conditional on that - therapy and consistency in taking her meds for a start.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Take a good look. This’ll probably get worse. Maybe take a hard look at why she’s divorced? I’ll bet she was abusively crazy and her husband dumped her.

Some women will tell you she has mental issues so you must cater to her and take her abusive behavior. Throwing your stuff out side, taking your things then calling the cops on you. Is over the top abusive. If you do that you‘ll get more of what you’ve gotten. You teach people how they can treat you.

My advice. You had no idea what you married. This is just a sample. Get out now before you end up with her having you arrested. Think it can’t happen? BEWARE.

I hope you wake up. You need to.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I haven’t read all of the posts, but here’s a simple way to handle situations when someone is very emotional (either party).

You can calmly say, ‘I don’t want to fight again, I can see that you’re upset and I’ll get upset too, so I’m going to leave for a few hours and when I come home let’s both talk about this when we’re both feeling better’.

And, ‘I feel so tired now and we’re not resolving anything, I’m really sorry, can we go to sleep now and talk in the morning when we’re both rested?’

Use your body language to show that you’re listening and receptive and use ‘we’ words. The key being here that you are stopping the fight that’s coming. you’re showing that you’re hearing her and care about her feelings. Because she could very much really be frustrated and wanting to be heard - it reads to me that she’s screaming for you to hear her.

So first steps, stop the fight without shutting her down, let her know you’re not brushing her off, and when she’s calm, be ready to listen. Let her know what’s coming every time you need to step away.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

DeanG said:


> Exactly, she tried to influence that I grabbed her arm and it is not safe for her to stay near me. Thank god the police were understanding and they saw that she was hysterical and I was calm with a broken phone so they believed my story. I got the recorder on my phone in case she called me and in case I am with her in the same room. I will be working my way out. Thank you for your advice!


Without revealing too much about my background, I have some experience with police arriving at scenes like these where DV has and it’s the calm demeanour that the police are looking out for when determining who the abuser is. They will also pay attention to certain words and the story-telling. It’s fairly textbook. 

This is just a story that I’ve read online, I wasn’t there to listen to the stories of who abused who and to witness who was able to be calm in front of the police.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another one... police look out for who is calling who mentally ill/crazy/unwell.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man but you’ll more than likely get a replay with the police. Will you be lucky next time?

False DV is not uncommon.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Sorry man but you’ll more than likely get a replay with the police. Will you be lucky next time?
> 
> False DV is not uncommon.


Sometimes. But they are highly trained and know every time who the abuser is. In serious situations, one person shows fear, and one person is calm when the police arrive. It is a marker, that the presence of authority figures induces calm in one person... and frightened emotions in another.

The person who is ‘was able to stay calm when the police arrived’ is the one they’ll be watching closely.

You cannot turn off fear. It’s primal.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ask any cop and they’ll tell you they constantly get called to the same house about domestic crap. There will be an instant replay with you ending up in jail if you let her back. Bank on it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Luckylucky said:


> Sometimes. But they are highly trained and know every time who the abuser is. In serious situations, one person shows fear, and one person is calm when the police arrive. It is a marker, that the presence of authority figures induces calm in one person... and frightened emotions in another.
> 
> The person who is ‘was able to stay calm when the police arrived’ is the one they’ll be watching closely.
> 
> You cannot turn off fear. It’s primal.


They know every time? Nope. Sorry but false DV claims happen.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> They know every time? Nope. Sorry but false DV claims happen.


Oh yes they do happen. But the real ones predictably follow a pattern.

The false ones don’t go very far.

Do you have some background here to back up your knowledge? Work in law, the police force, or Family Violence?

Someone is seeing a counsellor for diagnosed depression anxiety, someone has called her bipolar.

Someone knows she has no family to stay with, if she ever needs to.

Someone is thanking god the police believed him when he was ‘able to be calm when the police arrived.

Someone has said many times they want to leave and the love has died for her... but then said they are scared of her leaving.

What scares you about her leaving?

How did you manage to stay so calm when authority figures arrived and you did nothing wrong?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Luckylucky said:


> Oh yes they do happen. But the real ones predictably follow a pattern.
> 
> The false ones don’t go very far.
> 
> Do you have some background here to back up your knowledge? Work in law, the police force, or Family Violence?


Ive been around many police departments. I’ve moved 8 times. Had to call in law enforcement on sevearal occasions. You have county, city and state police departments all with varying degrees of trainning.

Your statement that they know every time is false.









False Allegations of Domestic Violence: More Common Than You Think


False allegations of domestic violence are a problem in the U.S. Find out the statistics and what you should do if you're falsely accused.




www.aggressivelegalservices.com


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

DeanG said:


> I will send her a BRIEF email to explain that I need some time away from her and I will get a lawyer in the picture from my side only in case things are going south.


'In case things are going south', are you kidding me!
2x4 coming to knock some sense into you. This **** is so far south, you're a days ride north to get to the Panama Canal!
I wish you well, I hope you take some of the advice you've been given.
I WOULDN'T SPEND ONE MORE NIGHT UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH THIS WOMAN IF I WERE YOU!!!


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

No kids, mental illnesses... RUN!! If you end up with a DV charge (you were very lucky to escape that one), it will affect you in many negative ways for the rest of your life. Her local family won't let her stay with them; let that soak in. With someone like this, you could end up dead.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Ive been around many police departments. I’ve moved 8 times. Had to call in law enforcement on sevearal occasions. You have county, city and state police departments all with varying degrees of trainning.
> 
> Your statement that they know every time is false.
> 
> ...


You’ve been inside as the victim or perpetrator? So you’re not a Police Officer or work in the Courts?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, I was going to reply, but then I read the reply that @Girl_power wrote, and that's pretty spot-on. I also agree with @Evinrude58, in that if she's on meds and acts like this, she need to go talk to her doctor again to try something different. If she's not on meds, I feel like she needs to be.

You need to try to bear in mind that you've married someone knowing that she has mental health problems, and with that comes a whole bunch of extra that you guys need to work through on top of "normal" marital problems. I also would let her know that her calling the police on you is a dealbreaker (unless you're beating her senseless, that is). If that were my spouse, I would tell them that if that happens again, they will be moving out permanently.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I wouldn't give her a second chance with the cops thing. She will probably brush up on how to make it stick next time.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, hitting a woman is a deal-breaker, no woman should have to tolerate that, make false accusations of domestic violence to get control or punish a man is also a deal-breaker. You should establish a comprehensive False Claim of Domestic Violence because she wants to be in control and may perceive that is one way to get control and bring you into line. 
If you stay, you need to be able to yell at her when she yells, not be forced to apologize when she's wrong, establish a balanced relationship and not be afraid of her. Perhaps those things cannot be established but they are a starting point for any reconciliation.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Small correction, establish a false claim of domestic relations folder, I would not take the risk of her filing charges in retaliation.


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