# Not Sure What To Do



## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

My husband of ten years gave a stranger my cell phone number to flirt with me. I did not know about it and when things did not go as planned he confessed to it. I don't know how to feel about this. I am angry he gave my information to someone to a stranger. I am angry he would gamble our children's future (we have three small children). I am sad he doubted us. He has always been my rock and I am still stunned and confused he would do this.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Was he doing this to test your loyalty to him, or as some weird fantasy game that he misjudged?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Unfortunately the most popular fetish is to watch your wife have sex with another man. They watch it online and masturbate to it. It becomes all consuming for them, but how to get a loving wife to do it? Real life is not like porn with paid actors and a script of some sort plus positions that look best on camera and not for comfort.

My guess is that your hubby was hoping that you would like the flirting and his next step was going to be to tell you it is OK with him if you want to have sex with that stranger if he can watch. Sounds strange but Google "Husband wants to watch me have sex with other men.". You will find a lot of posts and articles about this. The problem is that they get trained to be aroused by watching it in porn where it is not really their wife and they do not feel any emotions about it. 

I think it is objectionable to have your wife have sex with another man to feed your fetish. He will want to be in control since it is his fetish, not yours. Some wives do it out of fear that if they do not, their husband will cheat on her. Others do it to stop their husbands from nagging them about it. What he sees online and thinks everyone is doing does not translate well in reality. He may get jealous or mad because you enjoyed sex with a stranger more than him and let the guy do things that your hubby is not allowed to do. Sex with someone new is always more exciting than with a long time spouse. I have had sex with married women whose husbands wanted them to have sex with other men and than come home and tell them all about it. What the wives said about their husbands to me was not very complimentary to their husbands. Most eventually felt used and that their sexual pleasure was just a side effect of their husband's fetish. They also grew to resent their husbands for not loving them enough to want them all to themselves like the husbands of their friends. Most posts about sex online are fantasy and guys are buying into them thinking a lot of couples are doing it. I always ask them if they know a single person in real life who wants to watch his wife with another guy? they exist but I only ran into 3 of them in 47 years. They all are divorced now and it is not as popular in real life as they think.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

I asked him if it was loyalty test, he said no. He said he did it to get me out of my 'funk.' He thought the attention from another guy might give me an 'ego' boost and get me interested in sex again. He said that it only suppose to be some innocent flirting, no actual meeting. He said that he was confident that I would not respond. Our love life has not been great. We have only been together once in the last five years. I have been going through some stuff, anxiety depression. I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and I have been drinking more than I should. The medications I was taking left me with no sexual desires and we have three small children that make alone time almost impossible. He said that he was feeling lonely and depressed and over time developed a fantasy of me with another man. He said that he use to chat with guys online about me and he got off on it. He said that he was finally convinced by someone he met to give out my number. He says that it was only suppose to be texting and that he told the other guy that nothing would happen because I would not be into it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

I am closing your other thread. Only one thread per subject, please.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okay, so what your husband did was a total **** move. I couldn't ever imagine a scenario where I would do something like that.

That said, sex once in five years is totally unhealthy. If my wife decided our sex life was over, my marriage would not have lasted past the first year, let alone five. I am assuming the way you phrased your various issues that you have been the one refusing.

You are likely losing your husband. Now, given his actions, maybe that is not such a bad thing. But given your actions, if he were my friend, I would tell him he needs to find a wife capable of intimacy. 

Sorry you are here.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

He says he is very sorry for doing it and admits now it was very stupid. He started seeing a therapist. I know he does not want to lose me. I have not really talked to him about it yet, I'm still confused and trying to deal with it. I think what really hurt him is that after showing him little to no attention I started sexting with the other guy. I was surprised I responded, but I started getting into it. He saw what I was texting and became very hurt and jealous. He told me he wasn't upset or angry with me, but asked me to stop. When he found out I was still texting the other guy, he confessed everything to me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I doubt your husband is telling you the truth. If you haven't had sex with him in five years and he's playing around on porn/swinger type sites there's a good chance he has found sex else where.

I would bet he teased you with another man to gauge your reaction, if you would have taken it further (and I think that's what he wanted) that would have opened the door for him to be involved with other women. I think he has given up the chance of sex with you and is looking for you to give him the green light to have sex with others. He doesn't know how to directly broach the subject that he needs sex so he is being subversive about it. 

I see you added another post so I wanted to edit mine. You responding and sexting the other guy changes things. Now your husband sees it's not sex you're uninterested in but sex with him, that's stings him a bit, he didn't expect to feel jealous or hurt.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

He says he never cheated on me with another person, at least not in person and I believe him. He says that he only wants to be with me. If he wanted me to cheat he would not have tried to stop it. I don't think what I was doing would have led to a physical encounter but he did not want to find out, he confessed almost as soon as he saw what I was doing, I really don't think he wanted me to cheat. What he doesn't know is that I did cheat on him last weekend with someone else. I have not handled this well and have been drinking a lot. I went out with a girlfriend last weekend and got very drunk and slept with someone.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Confused_42 said:


> He says he never cheated on me with another person, at least not in person and I believe him. He says that he only wants to be with me. If he wanted me to cheat he would not have tried to stop it. I don't think what I was doing would have led to a physical encounter but he did not want to find out, he confessed almost as soon as he saw what I was doing, I really don't think he wanted me to cheat. What he doesn't know is that I did cheat on him last weekend with someone else. I have not handled this well and have been drinking a lot. I went out with a girlfriend last weekend and got very drunk and slept with someone.


I love how you started this thread to cast blame on your husband. Guy has had sex once in 5 years. He has probably tried just about every trick in the book. You admitted to sexting that other guy. So technically, his plan did work right? To get you interested in sex. But you just aren't interested in sex with your husband. 

Now you go out and bang some strange like its no big deal. Your woe is me attitude is complete BS. You treat your husband poorly and play the victim at the same time. Why are you still together? Just divorce him and let him go on his way. Or what, does he pay all of your bills and you have nowhere to go? Staying for kids even though you obviously do not love your husband?

Cut the crap excuses about "I was in a tough spot. Life has been hard" hey guess what, life is hard for everyone. That doesn't give you an excuse to be a complete POS.

So to answer the question "not sure what to do" you should confess to your husband just like he confessed to you. Hey, he already gave you the conversation starter... "Hey honey, you know how you have that fantasy about me sleeping with another man? Well I took you up on that offer last weekend. Isn't it hilarious babe? How I've given some random guy as much sex over the past five years as I've given you, my own husband? Well, let me tell you all about the sex, I did it for you after all"


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yeah, I think I'm just going to sit back and watch how this one plays out.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Confused_42 said:


> He says he never cheated on me with another person, at least not in person and I believe him. He says that he only wants to be with me. If he wanted me to cheat he would not have tried to stop it. I don't think what I was doing would have led to a physical encounter but he did not want to find out, he confessed almost as soon as he saw what I was doing, I really don't think he wanted me to cheat. What he doesn't know is that I did cheat on him last weekend with someone else. I have not handled this well and have been drinking a lot. I went out with a girlfriend last weekend and got very drunk and slept with someone.




Sorry, but none of this sounds like a real thing thing to me. I have a feeling I’m reading a bad version of a Dan Brown novel (is it even possible) with a cliffhanger at the end of each post...
My sympathies to both of you if it is real.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

Sadly, this is true. My husband regrets everything he has done. He is seeing a therapist to work out his issues. He wants us to go to couples counseling and he thinks I need to see someone for myself. He says he still loves me and wants to try to work it out. I still don't what I want and I have asked him for space. I still have not really talked to him about this.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Confused_42 said:


> Sadly, this is true. My husband regrets everything he has done. He is seeing a therapist to work out his issues. He wants us to go to couples counseling and he thinks I need to see someone for myself. He says he still loves me and wants to try to work it out. I still don't what I want and I have asked him for space. I still have not really talked to him about this.


Oh you are a special kind of twisted horrible person. He is in therapy working out his issues to fix the marriage while you go bang other guys. Just tell him the truth. You obviously don't love him, so I can't imagine you are really scared to lose him at all. Maybe you are scared to lose his money, not him though.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do the honorable thing and just release him!

Legally end this charade and sham of a marriage!*


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm curious--how do you justify withholding sex from your husband for FIVE years?? Three young children + a few anxiety meds is not an excuse for depriving someone of a normal healthy sex life within marriage.

Knowing that you recently gave a complete stranger the one thing that you wont even give your husband, I would suggest filing for divorce. For your husband's sake.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> I'm curious--how do you justify withholding sex from your husband for FIVE years?? Three young children + a few anxiety meds is not an excuse for depriving someone of a normal healthy sex life within marriage.
> 
> Knowing that you recently gave a complete stranger the one thing that you wont even give your husband, I would suggest filing for divorce. For your husband's sake.


 I don't think she's too concerned about her husband's 'sake'.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Confused_42 said:


> Sadly, this is true. My husband regrets everything he has done. He is seeing a therapist to work out his issues. He wants us to go to couples counseling and he thinks I need to see someone for myself. He says he still loves me and wants to try to work it out. I still don't what I want and I have asked him for space. I still have not really talked to him about this.



Do YOU feel regret for what you have done? Are you looking to escape your marriage? Have you cheated other times? If you're so busy and stressed how the hell did you find the time to meet someone and have a hook up? Affairs aren't accidents like dropping your toothbrush and saying opps, even a quick hook up takes planning and deceit.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

If any of you have been following this thread, there is something you should know. Everything I have written is true, but I am the husband in this story, not the wife. I wanted to get a different perspective on all of this. I know what I did was incredibly stupid and I really screwed everything up. The one thing I did not mention is that she is an alcoholic and her drinking has put me through a lot over the years. I am not trying to excuse me actions, but before you judge me please consider what I have been through over the last five and even longer is you throw in the drinking and shading stuff she did in the beginning (also I am not 100% sure she slept with someone last weekend, but all signs point to it). I know now there were several better options for me to take. I feel so stupid for doing what I did and I don't know if I can forgive myself. Maybe many you are right, maybe I was dumb for sticking around, I just had hope that she would snap out of it someday. Despite all the bad stuff, there was a lot of good. I feel horrible for my three children, I think I ruined their childhood. I know I want to work through it and will try anything, but I think she is moving on. It only happened three weeks ago and she already has an add on match.com. She told me that I am not the person she thought I was and she is disgusted by the idea of me chatting about with other guys. She doesn't think she can ever get passed it. She also is angry that I gave a stranger her number because he might have harmed her. I agree with everything she says. She also told me that she never envisioned a world in which we were not together. That killed me because she did not act like it, but also because as bad as things were she still believed in us and now I killed that. I think I could get past it if it was just us. I think I could find someone to make happy, someone without all the drama, someone that would appreciate me and care about my happiness and well being, but there are two things holding me back and it is killing me. One is that despite everything I still really love her. When she is not drinking she is the most amazing woman. The other is our children. I can't imagine them growing up in a broken home, they still so young. I am tearing up now just writing that. I know I should have thought of that before I did what I did. I have so much clarity now and I now know what I should have done, but now it is too late. My kids are my world and I am the one who spends the most time with (she is a wonderful mother, except when she drinks) and I can't imagine losing them. Plus all they know is mommy and daddy together, how could I have been so selfish and stupid. Sorry for rambling, I just have no one to talk to about this. I am seeing a therapist, but it is only once a week and it is hard going a week and not being about to talk about it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I knew something was off. You can get different perspectives whether you post as you or your wife or your dog. Makes no difference. 
Playing this game (pretending to be someone else) will just put off giving you useful advice because they will feel stupid.
Sounds like you are a little bit bored I’m afraid.
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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Man with a normal sex drive that hasn’t had sex but once in 5 years is probably turned on by just about anything. So talking about his with online is just an enter active type of porn IMO So no sex with hubby but you go out and use intoxication as an excuse to have sex with a stranger. Were you sober enough to remember to us a condom? It amazing how people use alcohol to justify doing things they know are wrong. So now you have done that .....what’s next?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

So she is great when not drinking but she is also an alcoholic so that begs the question ......What is she not drinking? 


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Oops “WHEN” is she not drinking


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

She does have bouts where she is sober or only drinks a little. Most of the time I would classify her as functioning.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You chose to marry someone who isn't good wife or mother material. This thread highlights why I would never get married again after a divorce. I would think I'm either incapable of being a good husband and father, or incapable of choosing a good wife and mother. Truth is, you picked someone who isn't worth a crap. She is a drunk, which means she isnt a good mother. We've been over how she isn't a good wife. So there you go. 

Divorce and move on with your life.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

You would think differently if you knew her. She works with children and adults with disabilities and is amazing with them. She can be the sweetest person.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Confused_42 said:


> You would think differently if you knew her. She works with children and adults with disabilities and is amazing with them. She can be the sweetest person.


Throughout history, there have been a lot of caring murderers. Lots of great family man type guys who kill people for a living. They go home and kiss their wife and children and have dinner. Ask about their day and what they learned in school. All this, hours after murdering someone who owed the wrong person money and weren't paying up. 

Extreme example? Sure. But it illustrates the point either way. An alcoholic isn't fit to be a good parent, I don't care what their day job is. A woman who withholds sex from her husband for five years, goes out and gets drunk and bangs some random bar patron, isn't a good wife. I don't care what kind of pedestal you try and place her on. 

Hey, its your life. If you want to live in a sexless marriage knowing she can easily go out and have sex with random people and won't ever entertain the thought of having sex with you, enjoy that lifestyle. 

One question, would you wish your situation on one of your kids?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Confused_42 said:


> He says he is very sorry for doing it and *admits now it was very stupid. He started seeing a therapist. I know he does not want to lose me.* I have not really talked to him about it yet, I'm still confused and trying to deal with it. ......
> 
> 
> ...I think what really hurt him is that after showing him little to no attention *I started sexting with the other guy. I was surprised I responded, but I started getting into it.* He saw what I was texting and *became very hurt and jealous. He told me he wasn't upset or angry with me, but asked me to stop.* When he found out I was still texting the other guy, he confessed everything to me.



Danger Will Robinson! https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=8&v=sEpJJb6WDdc

You have small children....got into sexting with someone not your husband and when your H found out he confessed that he gave the guy your cell phone number? Lady, it is good that your H is in counselling, but you need to get some as well. 

I mean someone should sit both of you down and say "What could possibly go wrong?" (and not let you leave until you explain that a lot of bad things could have happened.


Now that more information has come out the two should run to a marriage counselor and AA group as soon as humanly possible, they both need professional help IF their marriage can be saved.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Confused_42 said:
> 
> 
> > He says he is very sorry for doing it and *admits now it was very stupid. He started seeing a therapist. I know he does not want to lose me.* I have not really talked to him about it yet, I'm still confused and trying to deal with it. ......
> ...


Read the rest of the thread... Then come back and comment. I am interested to see the change in your response.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

An update on my situation. This all went down two and a half weeks ago. She still is not really wanting to talk about this. She stopped wearing her ring and told me that I'm her mind we are separated. When I mentioned couples counseling she said that she doesn't think she can sit down with me and talk about it. She is still drinking and I just found out she is now online dating. While she says we are 'separated' she continues to live in our house which I pay for and maintain. I also do the majority of raising our children. I know I did something stupid and says she doesn't think she can get over it. How about all of the **** she has done to me? I am sick of playing the victim. She has never once apologized or owned up to anything she has ever done to me. She is acting erratic and needs help. I think it is time a grew a pair and told her what she needs to hear. She is an alcoholic who needs to help. She is a danger to herself and our children. I am willing to work with her in counseling, but if she wants to be single and date around then she needs to move out.


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## Confused_42 (Oct 21, 2017)

Am I wrong or is two weeks a little soon to be trying to date? She is ignoring her/our issues and giving herself a new distraction. She is very attractive so I am sure she is getting lots of attention online, but those guys have no idea what a mess she is.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Confused_42 said:


> Am I wrong or is two weeks a little soon to be trying to date? She is ignoring her/our issues and giving herself a new distraction. She is very attractive so I am sure she is getting lots of attention online, but those guys have no idea what a mess she is.


She says you are separated, so pack her chit and move her out. Yes, grow a pair. She has walked all over you for years and you have just put up with it. She lost respect for you due to that and stopped having sex with you 5 years ago. 

Go on Google and search 'the 180' and read it. Learn to live by it. 

First step, go see a lawyer and work on protecting your share of the assets. Next, move her out. Make a big show of packing her bags for her. If she asks what you are doing, keep it short and sweet. "You said we are separated, so I'm moving you out" she is the one cheating, not you. She moves out, not you! 

File for divorce as soon as possible. Have her served and keep to the 180. Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? You know how the pirates "keep to the code" always? The 180 is now your code. If you ever wonder what steps you should take, if you are feeling lost and unsure of your next move, remember "keep to the code"

Just because you file doesn't mean you will have to go through with it. But you have to plan as if there is no doubt in the matter when around her. 

The first step is to get yourself out of the situation you are currently in and out of infidelity. Go see a lawyer like yesterday. Read the 180, and always remember "keep to the code"

You are waking up finally to the truths of your marriage and the woman she has become. Welcome back to the light. The sun is still shining out here and always will be. Keep posting, it helps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused_42 said:


> If any of you have been following this thread, there is something you should know. Everything I have written is true, but I am the husband in this story, not the wife. I wanted to get a different perspective on all of this. I know what I did was incredibly stupid and I really screwed everything up. The one thing I did not mention is that she is an alcoholic and her drinking has put me through a lot over the years. I am not trying to excuse me actions, but before you judge me please consider what I have been through over the last five and even longer is you throw in the drinking and shading stuff she did in the beginning (also I am not 100% sure she slept with someone last weekend, but all signs point to it). I know now there were several better options for me to take. I feel so stupid for doing what I did and I don't know if I can forgive myself. Maybe many you are right, maybe I was dumb for sticking around, I just had hope that she would snap out of it someday. Despite all the bad stuff, there was a lot of good. I feel horrible for my three children, I think I ruined their childhood. I know I want to work through it and will try anything, but I think she is moving on. It only happened three weeks ago and she already has an add on match.com. She told me that I am not the person she thought I was and she is disgusted by the idea of me chatting about with other guys. She doesn't think she can ever get passed it. She also is angry that I gave a stranger her number because he might have harmed her. I agree with everything she says. She also told me that she never envisioned a world in which we were not together. That killed me because she did not act like it, but also because as bad as things were she still believed in us and now I killed that. I think I could get past it if it was just us. I think I could find someone to make happy, someone without all the drama, someone that would appreciate me and care about my happiness and well being, but there are two things holding me back and it is killing me. One is that despite everything I still really love her. When she is not drinking she is the most amazing woman. The other is our children. I can't imagine them growing up in a broken home, they still so young. I am tearing up now just writing that. I know I should have thought of that before I did what I did. I have so much clarity now and I now know what I should have done, but now it is too late. My kids are my world and I am the one who spends the most time with (she is a wonderful mother, except when she drinks) and I can't imagine losing them. Plus all they know is mommy and daddy together, how could I have been so selfish and stupid. Sorry for rambling, I just have no one to talk to about this. I am seeing a therapist, but it is only once a week and it is hard going a week and not being about to talk about it.


It's against forum rules to create two accounts. usually we mods ban anyone with two accounts, especially those do so to attempt to fool us. It's not appreciated at all.

You cannot lie, pretend to be your wife and get good replies because you are still posting from your own perspective. 

I'm closing this thread and banning this account. If you try another stunt like this your other account will be banned too.


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