# I'm pretty sure my wife is having an emotional affair



## awesomo (Aug 11, 2012)

So, this is my first post on this forum. I was referred to this site by another forum, trying to figure out what to do with making my wife realize she's having an emotional affair. I JUST realized that she was having one today. 
Background: Anyways, I'm in the Navy so I'm gone a decent bit to begin with. When I returned from my deployment to Afghanistan this past October, I noticed a lack of connection between my wife and I. I chalked this up to me being gone for the past 7 months, if any of you have deployed before this is pretty common for the most part. But it wasn't until she started to treat me poorly... every ****ing day, that it was beginning to get on my nerves. Again, I just got back from deployment so I thought she was stressed out from having a 2 yr old and a then 10month old constantly on her by herself. 

While I was gone, she told me she wanted to start to work and help provide for the family. I told her it was a good idea and that I'll support her 100% in her endeavors. She got a job as a Personal Trainer, and she works with a bunch of guys who attempt to get in her pants. Those f****s are all gone, ESPECIALLY this one ****er who my wife seriously lusted after (we actually went to counseling at HER own suggestion because of this). However, she did develop a relationship with this one guy and at first it seemed innocent (my wife didn't really have any friends in the area other than me before this guy so I was like woo yay friend for my wife; this is the guy she's having the emotional affair with). 

So we go to counseling, and it doesn't really get us anywhere. My wife then went to counseling on her own which helped her get out of most of her immature behavior. And it wasn't until we started doing the "Love Dare" that we started to get better. One of the dares was to tell your spouse 3 things that bothers you. I told her that she spent WAAAAYYY too much time on her phone texting her friend (the emotional affair guy). She got pissed and went on the defensive saying she had to talk to her clients and what not, I told her I got that, it's just don't text that guy as much. She winds up listening and not being on the phone all the damn time and we got better. We were on a good streak on the dares then all of a sudden she stopped and reverted to her phone texting the guy again. That was the beginning of another low point for us.

We had a discussion about this and how she was unhappy, and suggested we start the Love Dare over. Again, we do it and we're getting better. She stops using her phone as much and we actually have sex something that we hadn't done in a loooooong time. But, lo and behold, it turns sour... again. I noticed that it gets better when she's not using her phone and worse when she does. I had another talk with her, and she said that it's not that she doesn't think about doing the dare, it's that I'll always be here, and so I'm casted to the side. 

So, literally 2 nights ago, I go plug her phone in and her convo with the guy goes HIM - i want to take a shower with you
HIM -it'll save on water lol
so on and so forth. IMO, HIGHLY inappropriate. I confront my wife about this in the morning and she gets all defensive saying that it's an inside joke, he's like a brother, etc, etc. And now she barely talks to me.

Today I went to go birthday shopping for my wife, went to a bookstore to look for another relationship book, and that's when I came across one on emotional affairs. I flipped through it, and realized it pertained directly to MY current situation. I looked back on what my wife has told me about the guy, who I know and he actually told my wife not to hook up with the guy she lusted after so I kind of trusted him being friends with my wife, and she said that he changes how he acts around her whenever I'm in the gym, he's in a crummy relationship, they ***** to each other about me and his girlfriend, and how everyone at the gym thinks that they're f***g, and her clients are shocked to find out that I'M her HUSBAND! Anyways, she said that he came up to her and bragged about how long he lasted when he was banging his gf, and how he said that he wanted to go to a sex shop with her. AGAIN, things that I find inappropriate to tell a married woman.

I need some advice on how to handle this. There are a few things though that I DON'T want to hear. Divorce and divorce. When I said the words "For better or for worse" I meant that, and I have a commitment to myself, my family, and God to uphold that. Thanks ahead of time! yes, the other man is a coworker of hers, and they still work together


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EA for sure, but I wouldn't rule out a PA with the current other man or her previous clients.

Which phone is she using? You might be able to get the deleted texts, which may uncover far more then you know.

Also place a voice recoder in her car, you'll be able to listen to her phone convo's, once again it may uncover a lot.

How busy is she at work? Can she take quick breaks for sex? Maybe in a back room or in her car in the parking lot?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, that's lousy to put it mildly.

Are you absolutely sure that there is nothing physical going on between the two of them? 

There are two paths you could take right now. One is to just be quiet about it for a couple of weeks while you do some snooping to find out if the affair is an EA, or if it's also a PA (physical affair).

The other path is to just act on what you know right now. If this is what you want to do there are pretty well prescribed steps to take. 

One thing you could do is to get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harely. It's very good and a quick read.

She has to end the affair and go to no contact. This is done by her writing him a no contact letter. This letter basically tells him that her relationship with him is wrong and not fair to you, so she will have no further contact with him. He will have to quit her job as working with him will lead to more contact with him. 

She has to give you the passwords to her cell and all online accounts and has to agree that you can look at them at any time you want.

She will need to be accountable for all of her time.
The two of you should continue counseling.

Those are the things to start with. Others will be along with more.


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## awesomo (Aug 11, 2012)

i've looked at her texts before, and there were some inappropriate jokes about her which were funny but that doesn't excuse it. she doesn't have enough time really to do that. and IF she did, i would be able to tell because she would be really, really, really depressed and not want to do ****. i know this because she was like that bc she lusted after a FORMER coworker of hers. i want to resolve this issue without spying my wife to the best of my ability.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sticking a head in the sand approach has never worked before but good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

awesomo said:


> i want to resolve this issue without spying my wife to the best of my ability.


Think of it as fact finding then. How do confront what you don't know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope your wife doesn't know your stance with regards to divorce. 

If I was your wife i wouldn't give a damb about what I did and who I did it with, hell your not going any were so why not do what I want.

But thats just me.

The point is with out consequences for when boundries are crossed, then whay have boundries at all?

It suck bro but most guys here that try to "nice " there way thru there wifes crap end up getting screwed over for a long time until they get feed up. Its the fellas that won't stand for any crap and show the tough love that gets them tru.

I'm not saying a guy has to be an ahole and controling, but one needs to be calm and firm with there resolve in not tolorating sharing there wifes.

It will always be up to there wives if they will except the protection we have to offer for the marriage. If the wayward refuses this protection and labels it controling then the wayward can continue and the only recourse a betrayed has is to except it or let them go....again a consequence for inapropreite behavior.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Give her a copy of Not Judt Friends by Shirley Glass and without telling anyone tell his gf what he is up to,


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok, you are unwilling to consider divorce, unwilling to gather information that you could use to change your situation and "you can tell". 

I only have one recommendation for you. See a urologist and have your balls cut off. They are just empty wieght that you aren't using. Seriously dude! Man up! your wife is in an emotional affair (at least!) and you have already decided you are going to put up with it. You have taken the only real weapon you have off the table. You are being a doormat and until you respect yourself enough to demand fidelity and mean it, you won't have any chance of having it.

Good luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@KanDo, thats some pretty harsh words, lets at least save that until page 2 of his thread....for Christ sakes he just got here, so lets save the 2x4 to the head


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Alot of folks have gone thru the same crap you are going thru and have made the same assumptions...only to find out that the women they married has turned in to an alien and is no longer that same girl they married.

See folks here aren't as emotionaly connected to your story and when they see the things you are looking past and have made the same mistakes it frusturates them.

Getting burned by a spouse you though you knew has a habit of make you one a pit ....lets say rubbed the wrong way.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

awesomo said:


> i want to resolve this issue without spying my wife to the best of my ability.


Ok. Then stop looking at her phone and stop asking about other guys. She would never ever cheat on you. Issued resolved. It's that simple. Trust her...yeah, that's the ticket.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She's already done it with him. Read bff's thread. Or you can follow Lord Mahem's (tongue-in-cheek) advice and bury your head in the sand. 

This script is repeated hundreds of times on this forum. If you want the truth, you have to spy on her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

awesomo said:


> I need some advice on how to handle this. There are a few things though that I DON'T want to hear. Divorce and divorce. When I said the words "For better or for worse" I meant that, and I have a commitment to myself, my family, and God to uphold that.


 Your wife knows that you will never divorce her no matter what she does. That is why she feels free to cheat on you. She even tells you that the other man (OM) wants to go to a sex shop with her and you take no real action. She tells you that her relationship with OM is such that he is grumpy when you are around and her clients are shocked that you are her husband, and still you do nothing. She is cheating on you and will continue to do so because she has nothing to lose. She knows that you will continue to ignore the obvious because you do not want to find out what you do not want to know. You are in an open married and are sharing your wife.

Bullies only pick on kids that they know will not fight back. I am sure that the kid getting beat up can say that he is only turning the other cheek, but that does not stop the bully from kicking his ars everyday now does it?

Bottom line. I call bull to you letting your wife cheat on you because you are honoring your marraige vows. You are not in a real marriage. The only way for you to get one is to be willing to end it if your wife is not willing to be faithful.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes she has had an affair or two. EA / PA. You don't know for sure.

But the thing that boggles the mind is that she has these close guy friends at all. She has proved she should not be in contact with these guys period.
This would be unacceptable if you were not in the Navy. So just flat forget about it under your circumstances.

Why do you put up with it?

She could keep to just being a PT for women. I mean come on how many of these guys chose her because they want her and know her husband is gone? It sounds like she is encouraging at least some of them. So the word gets around.

I would insist she find a more marriage friendly way to do her job or get a different job. Again she proved she cannot handle this.

If you are not done with deployments you have a serious problem to deal with for sure.

You ask for advice but you immediately shoot down the reasonable things it takes to have a marriage. Sorry dude, either you manup and protect your marriage or be a cuckold. Your choice.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I looked back on what my wife has told me about the guy, who I know and he actually told my wife not to hook up with the guy she lusted after so I kind of trusted him being friends with my wife, and she said that he changes how [he acts around her whenever I'm in the gym, he's in a crummy relationship, they ***** to each other about me and his girlfriend, and how everyone at the gym thinks that they're f***g, and her clients are shocked to find out that I'M her HUSBAND! Anyways, she said that he came up to her and bragged about how long he lasted when he was banging his gf, and how he said that he wanted to go to a sex shop with her


If you don't MAN UP then you can kiss your wife goodbye. Why don't you approach the OM? Are you scared of him? And set some ground rules with your wife because she has had an EA before in the past. Bottom Line Cut the contact out and go to counseling or you'll lose your wife. If she is won't do that then she is basically saying I have no respect for you and the marriage. The OM feels that you are no threat and continues to pursue your wife, and your wife just makes excuses to let him continue while you watch and do nothing. You are enabling them to continue.


> When I said the words "For better or for worse" I meant that, and I have a commitment to myself, my family, and God to uphold that.


 You should tell her this because if she doesn't feel the same way then both of you are setting yourselves up for failure.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Close male "friends", husband on the high seas for months... Husband unwilling to hear the word "divorce". 

I would do a bet crazy time on this one, but its too sad for that!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Another BS who is afraid to face the truth......sad.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The good news is................you are going to get what everyone here is telling you. You are going to man up. Read Married Man Sex Life, it will explain why these men have a hold on her and why she is ok with disrespecting you. Also, read No More Mister Nice Guy, another book that will give you insight into why she is disrespecting her marriage.

Now the bad news.................. if you don't act quickly and figure it out now, some other man is going to be raising your kids and taking good care of your wife.

BTW, though you may not divorce her, she will certainly divorce you for what she thinks is a more manly man.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> The good news is................you are going to get what everyone here is telling you. You are going to man up. Read Married Man Sex Life, it will explain why these men have a hold on her and why she is ok with disrespecting you. Also, read No More Mister Nice Guy, another book that will give you insight into why she is disrespecting her marriage.
> 
> Now the bad news.................. if you don't act quickly and figure it out now, some other man is going to be raising your kids and taking good care of your wife.
> 
> BTW, though you may not divorce her, she will certainly divorce you for what she thinks is a more manly man.


i doubt she will divorce him, she is a major cake eater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

awesomo said:


> i've looked at her texts before, and there were some inappropriate jokes about her which were funny but that doesn't excuse it. she doesn't have enough time really to do that. and IF she did, i would be able to tell because she would be really, really, really depressed and not want to do ****. i know this because she was like that bc she lusted after a FORMER coworker of hers.* i want to resolve this issue without spying my wife to the best of my ability*.


Ever wonder why every decent country in the world has an intelligence service?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

awesomo said:


> i want to resolve this issue without spying my wife to the best of my ability.


This is like a guy telling me "I want a body like Schwarzeneggar without lifting weights and I want to do it on a diet consisting of pizza exclusively."


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

One beta-**** right after the other


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

zsu234 said:


> One beta-**** right after the other


The situation with men in the USA has been a long time in the making, but we don't hear much from the alpha BH crowd here. They're out of the marriage and on their way to the next woman as soon as they find out. Guys who worry about kids and their crazy wives and keeping the family together are not defined as Alpha.

Having said all that, I don't understand this urge to remain in the dark. When my wife was flying red flags from every yardarm, I was just plain too stupid and ignorant (and brainwashed) to really put it together. If someone had pulled me aside and explained the facts of life to me, I think I would have acted to get solid facts, not buried my head in the sand.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I don't understand this urge to remain in the dark.


I don't get it either. If it was me i would dig across the Earth's crust, mantle and core to get to the truth of it. Being afraid of what they might find isn't a feeling i can relate to!


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## ReturnOfTheKitty (Aug 11, 2012)

Some men are in denial, its pretty natural a reaction for a recently betrayed spouse. Some men don't ever wake up from this state and that is more alarming. But you know what they say - ignorance is bliss. I njust hope Op wakes up and gets his act together


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