# First post-rough 11 years getting harder.



## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

My husband and I married in 1999 after living together happily for 2 years. We were expecting our son when we married, and we were happy about it. 
Two weeks after the wedding, the name-calling started, and only worsened. When my son was born, he freaked out and refused to participate in his care in any way (he was 31 years old, not a kid.) As time went by, the name calling and threats to leave got worse. His family also treated me very badly, and backed up his verbal abuse. When my son was 11 months old, I got pregnant for my daughter.
I loved being a mom, being doing it all alone and feeling resented and disrespected wore on me. The names he called me were so demoralizing. He threatened often to cheat on me if I didnt pay more attention to him, but with a baby and a toddler, no help from him or his family, and my family being 5 hours away-I was soooo busy and totally exhausted. He has OCD too, and EXPECTS a perfect house. He did NOT participate in housework in any way.
Time went by, and his verbal abuse worsened. We had another son. I left once, but he promised to get help, so I came back to find that he refused everything he promised to do. The name calling worsened to the point most people could not beleive, and he started calling the kids names too. He forced my oldest to play AAA hockey, insisting he was going to be an NHL player. He ignored my daughter and youngest son, who has epilepsy, and me. He restricted all access to the bank accounts, and refused to let me see the bills we owed. He bought himself a brand new jeep, and I had a 500.00 car that I drove the kids around in. He bought a new house without talking to me at all, just came home and announced we were moving.
All my clothes I had to buy from resale with money I made freelancing. I could not get a haircut. Meanwhile, he spent 500.00/month on youth hockey. He told me he no longer wanted the kids, that he hated me and wanted me gone ASAP. He had his parents berate me on speaker phone. He locked me out of the bedroom. He and his family regularly laughed at me. My kids begged to leave. We finally did, when he threatened to kill me and began calling me an F-----ing A-----le about 20 times a day.
We left. I got a PPO to make sure he could not follow us to me family's house (he had been divorced before, and broke into her house after she left.) The PPO office suspended all visitation and gave me full rights after I explained the situation. I filed for divorce, even as he was begging me not to.
He decided to get counseling, which I have been begging him to do for years. He begs me to give him another chance. He admits to everything he did and said, and wants to fix it. I was just awarded full legal and physical custody. I am trying to amend the PPO so he can have supervised visits.
My heart is crushed. I do not want a divorce. I do not want the abuse either. My mom is threateneing to call CPS on me if I even think of moving back to my old town (not in his house at this time).
I do not think kids should be without a dad. If he is working on it, I think they should at least be near him. 
My husband wants to reconcile. I told him I need time and prove of his therapy working.
I thought that I could move back to the town we lived in, into an apartment. If I had sole custody, then he could continue in therapy, and we could just have a seperation. If he stops improving, we are always safe not being in his house. 
Of course, my family is FREAKING OUT at me. However, my religous beliefs are anti-divorce if at all possible. My heart tells me not to give up too easily. He was not a cheater, he didnt drink, he always worked and provided for us.
My kids are 11, 9 and 4.
Obviously, I am skipping alot, so I am happy to answer questions.
What should I do? I can barely breathe, I feel so weak and sad right now, and I need to do what is right for my kids!!


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Stay away from him for the time being. The guy is emotional/mentaly abusive and shows all the red flags of being physicaly abusive, I think it is possibly for anyone to change but a change that dramatic is going to take a while a year at least. If you truley want to give him a second chance let him know to contact you in a year.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

I don't write this lightly. this is just my post, but it's your life:

He sounds like the kind of Dad kids are better off without. He is so far over the abuse line that I have to believe this is just a ploy. Even if he is sincere (and I don't see how he could be) it isn't worth it. Don't amend anything. You finally broke free. Keep going. 
Go to personal counseling to figure out why you chose and remained with an abuser like this. Why did you think this was the man of your dreams? Why didn't you realize how dangerous this was, not just for yourself, but more importantly, for the kids? No need to answer here, just discuss with a good licensed counselor. There's hope for you but not if you entangle yourself in that web again.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

hevonne said:


> My husband and I married in 1999 after living together happily for 2 years. We were expecting our son when we married, and we were happy about it.
> Two weeks after the wedding, the name-calling started, and only worsened. When my son was born, he freaked out and refused to participate in his care in any way (he was 31 years old, not a kid.) As time went by, the name calling and threats to leave got worse. His family also treated me very badly, and backed up his verbal abuse. When my son was 11 months old, I got pregnant for my daughter.
> I loved being a mom, being doing it all alone and feeling resented and disrespected wore on me. The names he called me were so demoralizing. He threatened often to cheat on me if I didnt pay more attention to him, but with a baby and a toddler, no help from him or his family, and my family being 5 hours away-I was soooo busy and totally exhausted. He has OCD too, and EXPECTS a perfect house. He did NOT participate in housework in any way.
> Time went by, and his verbal abuse worsened. We had another son. I left once, but he promised to get help, so I came back to find that he refused everything he promised to do. The name calling worsened to the point most people could not beleive, and he started calling the kids names too. He forced my oldest to play AAA hockey, insisting he was going to be an NHL player. He ignored my daughter and youngest son, who has epilepsy, and me. He restricted all access to the bank accounts, and refused to let me see the bills we owed. He bought himself a brand new jeep, and I had a 500.00 car that I drove the kids around in. He bought a new house without talking to me at all, just came home and announced we were moving.
> ...


You have what I prayed for as an abused wife - suspended visitation! It won't get better - he's just at that calm place in the cycle. Stay away. Kids deserve to be safe! You do too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you go back you are as abusive to your children as your husband. 

Who is the adult here, who has the best interest of the 3 humans that you brought into the world? 

Woman up - protect yourself and stop giving to a man power over you who has abused you and your children so terribly. Did you forget you have 3 kids, who will protect them if their own mother, who is busy being a damsel in distress waiting for prince charming, will not? There are no prince charmings, you have a devil on your hands. Look up abuse and the woman who put up with it. 

Woman up and stop being an irresponsible gulible child. You have too many responsobilites for this. Get your dignity and stop being foolish and childish. Act like a responsible woman, fix your serious self esteem issues with therapy. You have very serious problems and you put your self in jeopardy and worse yet your children. 

This man has abused you and your children for over 10 yrs, he lied about who he really was before marriage, and lied to get you back, allowed his family to abuse you. How can you go back to that just on the word of a lying sick abuser?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> If you go back you are as abusive to your children as your husband.
> 
> Who is the adult here, who has the best interest of the 3 humans that you brought into the world?
> 
> ...


Remember your kids begged you to leave him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

Thank you all for our responses. I guess I have a few things to add and clarify.
1) He will be having supervised visitation only, once every two weeks, for two hours. Since we left, my kids have been glad to be here, but have begged to talk to or see thier dad just a little. I understand-my heart breaks for them. Though they were scared before, they still love him as thier dad, and I think that for them to be able to see him in a supervised environment would be good for their hearts. They can see he is OK, he is still there, and they are OK too. He wont be allowed to yell or say anything to upset them there.My daughter cries everynight and now she is having nightmares that her dad is dead-poor baby. 
2)Where we are now is a resort town that is very rural. Every summer, things get crazy with tourists, but as far as jobs-there arent any. Everything here is rural. The small college here does not have my close-to-finished course of study, or even one like it. If I stay here, I have to drop out of college, and try to work a seasonal low paying job.
3) Thank God, my son'd epilepsy has been controlled for almost 2 years now. Because of the type of seizures he had, and the success of control, I have to take him back down to have another EEG. If he is no longer having seizures, we are going to try to wean him off of his medications. Where we are now, not only do we not have a pediatric neurologist, but our insurance is invalid here, so he is not covered. Riding in a car used to be a trigger for his seizures, and if he starts having them again, I will have to drive for 5 hours with him seizing in the back seat to get to our neuro. The thought of that just makes me ill.
4) My lawyer let me know that supervised visits is not permanent unless my H does something horribly drastic. In my state, joint custody is always preferred, and everything will eventually be moved that way if he follows thier rules. Could I let my kids go off with him and be 5 hours away? What if they needed help, and I couldnt get there?
5) Things are not going well here either. The only place or me to stay right now is with my mom. I left her house when I turned 18 because of her extreme verbal abuse of me. After I moved out, she stopped. She hasnt been abusive to me for 20 years, so i thought she had grown past that.
NO. 
She is constantly threatening to call CPS if I dont do everything she asks, even stupid things that CPS would laugh at her for, like insisting that I apply for public assistance on a certain date of her choosing. She has called my older son names like Retard and Wussy, and I jumped all over her for that; but she still does it. We just can't stay here!
6) My son has a speech delay/disorder due to his epileptic syndrome. He needs special education and speech therapy. Here, he is a "waiting list" to get that, but so far is not able to recieve those services. Back where we were, he is already in the program that was working well for him.
7)I also had a part time business that I owned there (child photographer) I did well, and my name was known there. Once I left, I left all my clients as well. Here I have none. 
So, my idea is this: I move back to the city we lived in with my husband, but NOT into his house, into my own house or apartment. PPO stays in place, but he can still have supervised visits, as long as he continues his therapy and treatment. I can go to school, kids have thier doctors and insurance back, we all have our freinds back too. I would rather be Legally Seperated than Divorced if possible, but that remains to be seen.
I am trying to hard to do what is right here! I just dont know, and I want my kids to have the best!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

hevonne said:


> Thank you all for our responses. I guess I have a few things to add and clarify.
> 1) He will be having supervised visitation only, once every two weeks, for two hours. Since we left, my kids have been glad to be here, but have begged to talk to or see thier dad just a little. I understand-my heart breaks for them. Though they were scared before, they still love him as thier dad, and I think that for them to be able to see him in a supervised environment would be good for their hearts. They can see he is OK, he is still there, and they are OK too. He wont be allowed to yell or say anything to upset them there.My daughter cries everynight and now she is having nightmares that her dad is dead-poor baby.
> 2)Where we are now is a resort town that is very rural. Every summer, things get crazy with tourists, but as far as jobs-there arent any. Everything here is rural. The small college here does not have my close-to-finished course of study, or even one like it. If I stay here, I have to drop out of college, and try to work a seasonal low paying job.
> 3) Thank God, my son'd epilepsy has been controlled for almost 2 years now. Because of the type of seizures he had, and the success of control, I have to take him back down to have another EEG. If he is no longer having seizures, we are going to try to wean him off of his medications. Where we are now, not only do we not have a pediatric neurologist, but our insurance is invalid here, so he is not covered. Riding in a car used to be a trigger for his seizures, and if he starts having them again, I will have to drive for 5 hours with him seizing in the back seat to get to our neuro. The thought of that just makes me ill.
> ...


I have to say your plan sounds well thought out and makes sense!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

Thank you! I do not want to risk our safety or security, but I really want to think this out clearly. It really helps to get feedback.
Of course, my husband WANTS a reconciliation, but because of his past behaviors, I cant think of that right now. I suppose if he continues with long term therapy and medication, then maybe we could slowly see how he does, but rushing back into that environment would only cause harm.
Right now, I just want to do whatever it takes to help my kids get through this the best way possible!


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

I think I forgot to mention-we would spend the summer here, and be back in that town by the start of the school year, somy kids can see a counselor here. And, if my husband were going to completely lose his mind, I hope he would do it in that time so we sould know what we were dealing with before we made that move.
Also, I have a congenital heart defect that can get ugly sometimes. I have to be monitored yearly, or more when problems arise. If I get a divorce, I no longer have that insurance. If I am seperated, I still do.


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