# Wife found my account! In big trouble now!



## qbert (Mar 31, 2010)

Haven't been on here for about a year, but how's this for an update:

My wife found my account on here tonight and read what I vented. It's all stuff we've talked about, but it hurt her to see that I let it all out on here and to see people's replies. I had forgotten I'd even posted all this stuff last year. Wish I hadn't now. Didn't really any help and the venting itself helped temporarily, but the problems persisted and we eventually argued about them or continue to argue.

Anyway, she hated that I put all of our private stuff on here. I hoped the anonymity of the internet would allow me a bit of therapeutic release, turns out it just caused more problems in our marriage.

Well, what I never got around to doing, even though I said I was going to, was posting a thread about how *wonderful she is and how one-sided my original threads were*. They were venting, releasing frustrations, rambling about my side of things. But there was also a lot of real questions I was asking and trying to get real help. And when I asked "Am I wrong here?" I mean that sincerely. I wanted to know if everyone else thought I was wrong because it seemed right to me, but my wife thought I was in the wrong. I was just trying to figure out what to do.

We'd been having a very tough time of things and I was so exhausted from work and a newborn and stressed out about finances and everything else. We were fighting all the time and I was equipped to deal with it.

The real rub of it is we're still having problems, but I feel more equipped to deal with it now. I don't need the forum or the venting now, but I'm back here to say that my wife is a wonderful person. I'm sorry she saw these threads and my venting and felt hurt by it.

I wish I'd have taken the chance to tell her side of things. I will now.

*I've been abusive to her, emotionally and physically. *I'm not a wife beater, but in fights I've held her down screamed at her, I've thrown things, destroyed things, pushed her, put my arms around her throat (to scare, not to actually strangle. Doesn't make it a bit better, tho), and even hit her once (not very hard, not in the face, after she had hit me, but that doesn't make that any better either. Just wanting to be clear of what level I've gotten to. I know it's 100% wrong and can not be justified). I've had horrible anger and stress management problems and when I finally explode, I've in the past *allowed* myself to become a monster.

*I'm admitting these things because I AM going to get them under control. * I want to own these horrible things I've done to learn my lesson. I won't continue to *allow* it. So, for all the stupid things I was venting about, who cares? She has put up with a potentially violent ticking time bomb for years. She's gone from feeling safe for the first time in her life to feeling terrified of me. I'm not a constant force of violence, but just the fact that she never knows what might throw me over the edge is horrible. She deserves better. I love her and I want to give her what she deserves.

As for looking up porn, I had worded things that I DO occassionally look at porn. What I should have typed as I HAVE occasionally looked at porn, which was actually encompassing a lot of older things that we'd already talked about. And I was also talking about it in general without a specific time in mind. I really have never looked at porn like she thinks I have. I've had a few slips that she knows about, but nothing like what she thinks. When she read that I "DO" look at porn, that all became current affairs to her and she took it to mean that I look at a LOT of porn all the time even right now. It's been a very long time.

She thinks I'm just a liar now and that I've always been lying. All I can do is show her that I don't really view everything as one-sided as it seems that I did a year ago and continue to do what I do and not do what she doesn't want me to out of respect for her feelings.

Anyway, she just went to bed angry. I'm sure she'll read this too, so HONEY, I'M SORRY. I should have never come on here and you're right I was one-sided.

I'm so exhausted right now, but at least I said something.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

qbert,

Sounds like you're afraid of her emotional response.

You're not alone.

This is a great collection of thoughts on the matter.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I'd encourage you to read them all.

Taking these principles to heart will lower the temptation she feels to pick you apart and let you know how "annoying" you are. She's fitness testing your relationship 24/7 - and you're coming up short.

I want you to think hard about some of the things you've described. Your venting on here sounds pretty garden variety for someone who gets really frustrated at coming up short.

Start passing these tests and you'll quickly go from a needy clingy apologetic doormat to the man she fell in love with.

There are many here who will assist you on that journey.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

One thing I do is openly admit to anonymous (and sometimes not so much anonymous LOL) venting... I stated to him, that without that ability to vent HE would end up getting ALL my pent up anything in his face... he is not so bothered by it anymore, and I agreed to tell him everything, within reason, that I talk about (the stuff outside of reason I told him is probably stuff that would just get in the way of us) He has in his head that people online know who he is HAHAHA, hell, my facebook friends outside of MAYBE 4 have no idea who he is HEHE

I actually would LOVE if he did the same, if just for the added perspectives of other people!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Qberts wife, if you do come on here & read, please be assured, this place is SOOOO happening with posts, virtually NOONE you know would even grace your husband's posts and even if they did, these problems are so common, your next door neighbor would NOT know it is him or you. 

I would encourage you to come and post your side in all of this, (after this hurt has settled a little)-please know there are many many intelligent gifted people to help dissect and explore these types of issues in marriages, even Paid Relationship Coaches post here in their spare time because they simply LOVE to help people . 

Many who have walked in similar shoes as yourself can offer ideas, steps, a plan to what has helped them overcome , or recommend a book for you & your husband to read together. Some couples come here together & welcome the feedback as they stuggle to find common ground. PLease understand, better for your husband to come & vent anonymously than talking to someone else. Yes, best for him to come to you, but now that it is all out of the bag, work with it. 

We all do and say nasty things when we are angry, hurt , upset with our loved ones, your husband is no different. Some of the outrageous things I have done (with communication online)-even to my husbands face, heavens, if he was not a forgiving man, I am not sure where I would be today. It is worth it to hang in there, if you believe your husband's heart is Genuine.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

qbert said:


> *I've been abusive to her, emotionally and physically. *I'm not a wife beater, but in fights I've held her down screamed at her, I've thrown things, destroyed things, pushed her, put my arms around her throat (to scare, not to actually strangle. Doesn't make it a bit better, tho), and even hit her once (not very hard, not in the face, after she had hit me, but that doesn't make that any better either. Just wanting to be clear of what level I've gotten to. I know it's 100% wrong and can not be justified). I've had horrible anger and stress management problems and when I finally explode, I've in the past *allowed* myself to become a monster.
> 
> *I'm admitting these things because I AM going to get them under control. * I want to own these horrible things I've done to learn my lesson. I won't continue to *allow* it. So, for all the stupid things I was venting about, who cares? She has put up with a potentially violent ticking time bomb for years. She's gone from feeling safe for the first time in her life to feeling terrified of me. I'm not a constant force of violence, but just the fact that she never knows what might throw me over the edge is horrible. She deserves better. I love her and I want to give her what she deserves.
> 
> (



I know this isn't what you're looking for in your post...but what have you done in the last year to make sure you won't physically or emotionally harm your wife anymore? What you've admitted to here is enough to send me out the door for good. I hope you've gotten therapy to deal with the issues that causes you to lose control.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Your post is a reminder of why I encrypt my private journal. It has the tendency to accumulate the negative over the positive, and it would hurt my beloved dearly to read it in one sitting. If I didn't value the reference to be able to look back, I would have destroyed it to prevent any possibility of that happening. Yet, its all things we have talked about, but I am much more civil in person than I am in my journal. I'm also careful of what I put here. Its no secret to her I have an account here, and do occasionally seek advice, and to try to learn from the mistakes of others, but I am always leery of putting laundry up I haven't discussed with her.


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