# Mixed Marriage (Spender / Saver) - Do These Ever Last?



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

DH and I have been married 18 years. I am the saver (always have been). He is the spender (always has been).

Over the years, DH has curbed his spending habits. This is good!

But at his core, he is still a spender. Every time we do NOT spend (or buy, or purchase, or order) - he gets upset and feels deprived. 

Yes, he can see the big picture when I sit down and show it to him. Yes - he can agree in theory that we really do need to put money toward future goals.

But in practice? There is a lot of *****in' and moaning about "sacrifices" and how he "never gets to...".

I don't know what to do any more. I have learned over the years that there will NEVER be enough money to satisfy all the things he wants. It does not matter WHAT we spend - he is always looking for the next thing.

It's extrememly frustrating. And, of course, he is extremely frustrated with me.

Will this ever get any better?

Does anyone else have a "mixed-marriage" that has improved?

Or do these relationships always go south?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Been married for 21 years to a spender/gift guy. I'm the frugal one.

We're actually doing well with this now. I've learned to lighten up/be less controlling and he's learned to communicate his REAL needs instead of trying to fill them with "stuff".


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## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> he's learned to communicate his REAL needs instead of trying to fill them with "stuff".


Hmmm....

That's very interesting. I've often wondered if the endless need for more "stuff" was actually a symptom of something else.

Just curious - what sorts of "real needs" emerged ?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Flower25 said:


> Hmmm....
> 
> That's very interesting. I've often wondered if the endless need for more "stuff" was actually a symptom of something else.
> 
> Just curious - what sorts of "real needs" emerged ?


Sadly his self esteem was pretty low, he felt unloveable and unworthy. As a result he pushed me away and kept me at arm's length preferring 'stuff' over intimacy with me. The 'stuff' was safer and wouldn't hurt him like his parents and I did. 

Bottom line he just wanted to be loved but before that could happen I had to make him feel 'safe' first. He was scared of me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Flower25 said:


> Will this ever get any better?


Not until he goes to CONSISTENT therapy to get to the root of why he masks his issue with stuff.


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## ggtam000 (Aug 9, 2012)

i think it is tough. i met a girl who lost job and divorced and parent just bought her new condo and a brand new luxury car. She was 31 so I think it is come on. She dwells like there is unlimited resource around her and people around her she provide.
Worst thing is she says it is not a problem with her and keep purchasing even though she is in trouble. 

I think spender should be with spenders and eventually goes together on wellfare and frugals should be with frugals. 
For me I am a moderate, i like to spend when I am doing well at the same time save certain amount. In rough time, I reduce my spendings. My gf has no respect for money. I hate that.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

I am the saver (only because we don't have the income now to spend like SHE wants). Kind of convinced it will never change. I am self employed so I always feel like I have to keep making more to feed the hungry tiger.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm the saver and my husband is the spender. Been together 8 years and have become very happy.

Early in our marriage we often fought about money, more specifically what to do with the money we made. The key for us to get past the power struggle was to understand the other person's needs or motivations to save or spend. We both grew up watching our parents struggling financially but responded differently. I can't save enough - I could sit on a pile of money and still worry about not having enough. My husband has the needs to enjoy the money he makes. The more money he makes, the more he'll spend.

It was my wonderful husband who started to 'do' things my way and agreed to save more to make me happy. I followed his suit and 'loosened' the purse string here and there. As a couple, we oscillate between saving and spending. We would save aggressively for a period of time, then indulge ourselves with luxury items (usually pay cash) and go back to saving after that. Of course I wish we could save more and he probably wants to spend more. But somehow we strike a good balance. We still talk about money a great deal, but the talks are usually 'discussions' and not 'arguments'.

I would recommend MC for you two. Sounds like your husband spends to fulfill some emotional needs.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to establish common financial goals. If there are no goals to work toward, your husband will resent you holding the purse strings.

Prepare a budget keeping your goals in mind and also allow some discretionary spending money for each spouse. My husband always blew his while I saved mine but it didn't bother me as that was what it was for.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to establish common financial goals. If there are no goals to work toward, your husband will resent you holding the purse strings.
> 
> Prepare a budget keeping your goals in mind and also allow some discretionary spending money for each spouse. My husband always blew his while I saved mine but it didn't bother me as that was what it was for.


:iagree


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I was the saver in our M, We have a piece of property we own and I wanted to build a little house on it and rent it out. The idea never got support from my stbxw, she always complained about everything and was never happy. It was always about "keeping up with the Jones", instead of doing without the latest and greatest everything for a few years so we could get ahead. It would have yielded about $800 a month, and after a couple years of rent history the income could be recognized and used as leverage to attain yet another rental. 10 years and 2-3 rentals later one of you doesn't have to work anymore.


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## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

We are both savers. I couldn't imagine not being able to control the flow of money. Just that would drive me to divorce especially if the spending party was putting us in debt. IMO it just doesn't work. Think about the kids!

GINGER


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> Not until he goes to CONSISTENT therapy to get to the root of why he masks his issue with stuff.


:iagree: Often the root is located back in one's childhood.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I would never, in a million years, marry a spender. I'm VERY conservative with money. I didn't take out loans for school, saved to pay for my car up front, have always paid credit card balances in full. Even though I inherited a house from my parents (so it wasn't my own effort), I have never paid a penny in interest for anything in my entire life.

Avoiding a spender is probably the most basic filter that I look at women through (maybe being a non-smoker might be more important).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ntamph said:


> I would never, in a million years, marry a spender. I'm VERY conservative with money. I didn't take out loans for school, saved to pay for my car up front, have always paid credit card balances in full. Even though I inherited a house from my parents (so it wasn't my own effort), I have never paid a penny in interest for anything in my entire life.
> 
> Avoiding a spender is probably the most basic filter that I look at women through (maybe being a non-smoker might be more important).


I just noticed your other thread in the Ladies section...and want to reply to it, I am almost the epitome of you - but in female form... I refuse to pay interest on anything....for me that is flushing $$ down the toilet...If we don't have the cash -it does not get bought...We'd have to be starving...

Have only paid interest on our dream house..I pay every credit card in full & make $300 a year off of them in addition. 

Our house loan was originally for 14 yrs, we paid if off in 7...and have been debt free since our last son...

I am even a little cheaper over my husband...but he is a saver too....we've never had a fight over money since we've been together...even though most would consider us Lower Income for how large our family is. Our kids are careful with $$ too...and it's great to see...this is one area that will help them go further in life, so I feel.. giving them "peace of mind". 

I could not be married to a frivolous spender... unless he had $$ to burn...I'd be a thorn in his side.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just noticed your other thread in the Ladies section...and want to reply to it, I am almost the epitome of you - but in female form... I refuse to pay interest on anything....for me that is flushing $$ down the toilet...If we don't have the cash -it does not get bought...We'd have to be starving...
> 
> Have only paid interest on our dream house..I pay every credit card in full & make $300 a year off of them in addition.
> 
> ...


And you're a woman that most men dream of marrying. I wish I could like this 1000 times.


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