# 15 yos refuses to speak to his father....



## whyowhy

This could be a VERY long story, but I will try to make it brief. We have been married for 16 years, have 3 kids, 15 yos, 12 yos, and 11 yod. I was a SAHM for most of our relationship, which I appreciate. I was going back to school, but due to financials, I also had to go back to work. During that time, my DH's business took a dive as did his ego. We fought constantly over EVERYTHING big and small. He took up drinking in a way that he had never before and long story short, the fights were bad and very, very long, and very very frequent, and in front of the kids. He never hit me, just grabbed me occassionally. I would always try to walk away, but he would always follow me. It was very bad. The yelling was bad, he would go on and on all hours of the night.

Long story short, the kids have lost respect for him. Especially the oldest. There was a time when DH hit him because he was being disrespectful. DH was drunk at the time. DH also recently got a DUI. The oldest found out and that made an already bad situation worse. 

I have graduated and have been working for 2 years. The financials are getting better. His attitude has changed since his DUI and the drinking has lessened. He is kind of trying, but the oldest refuses to speak to him. This causes DH to get angry and frustrated. I try to explain that the oldest is going through a lot trying to deal with the past few years. I try to talk to him and tell him that his father is trying to do better, but he doesn't believe it. DH has had a few relapses and they were bad, but overall he is trying at about a 75% effort which is a lot for him.

Then there is the sex. When DH gets upset with our son, he goes to bed. He is upset that I don't initiate more, but really...how can I initiate with a turned back at 8:30? His attitude around the house is just all around very negative, partially due to the fact that the kids don't respect him. It is hard for me to want to have sex with someone who is so negative. We don't have sex much...like honestly, 1-2 times per month. I'd like to have it more, so would he. It is just difficult to go from such a negative and bad day in our home to romance at bed time. The two just don't go together. 

At times I think about the crap he put us through and have a really hard time getting past the emotional end of it to just initiate anyways. It's really hard. 

He really has never owned up to his end of our problems. He tends to project all of the problems onto me or the kids. 

I never talk bad to the kids about him, I always try to talk him up to them, which makes me seem like an idiot when he has his relapses.

On one hand I feel like an enabler

On the other hand I feel like a bad wife and mother

On the other hand I feel like running away from it all

How many more hands do I have???

Please help me sort through this mess.

Thanks! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Well, I can understand why your 15 year old son will not talk to his father. 

Your son is actually acting appropriately. He’s not pretending that everything is ok. Unfortunately for him he cannot divorce his father… you would have to do that to give him some peace.

Are there any relatives who do not have problems like drinking who would take in your 15 year old? If you do not do something to help him through this you will most likely lose him as soon as he can leave. Why would he want to stay around?
Why are you still around your husband? It does not sound to me like your husband is doing all that well… not with the anger that he seems to still have.

You are allowing your husband to abuse your children. Thus you are abusing them by proxy. Let that sink in.

Why are you still with this man? Have you considered going to Alanon?


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## whyowhy

I don't think he would agree to go to AA. I don't think he thinks he has a problem.
He doesn't usually think he's ever wrong. He hated the classes he had to go to for his DUI.
He has such a HUGE ego that he doesn't think he has a problem he can't control.

Part of me thinks it would be easier to just leave him and start over. He has put me through 
so much crap that I'm over it. 
However, the other part wants to believe it will work especially when 
there are kids involved. I see he's giving a bit of an effort. We don't fight anymore, at least
We fight like adults....except 2 months ago when he aired our dirty laundry
in front of my family AND the kids (yes drinking was involved). But nothing since...except when
He threw a fit over the lack of sex (not drinking and not in front of kids).

I have no idea of what to do or where to begin. In my dreams, things would
be good. He'd get along with the oldest and he would respect him enough
to have a polite conversation. There would be peace in my home.

It's so sad that I have no one to talk to to give me advice that I have
to turn to complete strangers, but maybe it's more objective this way.

Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whyowhy

EleGirl said:


> Well, I can understand why your 15 year old son will not talk to his father.
> 
> Your son is actually acting appropriately. He’s not pretending that everything is ok. Unfortunately for him he cannot divorce his father… you would have to do that to give him some peace.
> 
> Are there any relatives who do not have problems like drinking who would take in your 15 year old? If you do not do something to help him through this you will most likely lose him as soon as he can leave. Why would he want to stay around?
> Why are you still around your husband? It does not sound to me like your husband is doing all that well… not with the anger that he seems to still have.
> 
> You are allowing your husband to abuse your children. Thus you are abusing them by proxy. Let that sink in.
> 
> Why are you still with this man? Have you considered going to Alanon?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whyowhy

My son is very smart. He sees things for what they are and i dont blame him
for how he is reacting. I'm thinking of spending the summer with my parents
with the kids, but there is no where locally my son can go to live. I hate
to put him in a different high school. 

I also hate to loose him. I almost would rather loose the DH!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

Your story takes me back 36 years to when I was a 15 year old boy. I wanted nothing more than to kick the **** out of my father and protect my mother, but I was scared and how do you hit your father? Looking back I tried to direct his anger at me because it's all I knew to do, and trust me I did a pretty good job of making him angry. Your son wants to be a man, he wants to protect you and can't bare to see you hurt, emotionally or physically. But he is conflicted, he see's your husband direct hostility toward you, he see's his father act like a jerk and a bully, but how does he confront and challenge his own father? So he let's him know how he feels by showing him he hates him for what he does, by not speaking to him, by showing him he is disgusted with him, embarrassed by him, and by showing him he has zero respect for him 

I can't tell you how to fix this, but I remember being that 15 year old boy. Your son is pissed and he wants dad to know it. And it sounds like your son is right, do you want your son to grow up thinking that kind of behavior from a husband and father is OK ? I think you should give the boy a hug and thank him for caring.


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## whyowhy

Cooper said:


> Your story takes me back 36 years to when I was a 15 year old boy. I wanted nothing more than to kick the **** out of my father and protect my mother, but I was scared and how do you hit your father? Looking back I tried to direct his anger at me because it's all I knew to do, and trust me I did a pretty good job of making him angry. Your son wants to be a man, he wants to protect you and can't bare to see you hurt, emotionally or physically. But he is conflicted, he see's your husband direct hostility toward you, he see's his father act like a jerk and a bully, but how does he confront and challenge his own father? So he let's him know how he feels by showing him he hates him for what he does, by not speaking to him, by showing him he is disgusted with him, embarrassed by him, and by showing him he has zero respect for him
> 
> I can't tell you how to fix this, but I remember being that 15 year old boy. Your son is pissed and he wants dad to know it. And it sounds like your son is right, do you want your son to grow up thinking that kind of behavior from a husband and father is OK ? I think you should give the boy a hug and thank him for caring.


That is a lot to shoulder for a 15 year old, no matter how mature. So I should
Figure out a way to leave DH asap for the sake of the children... I wish he would just 
leave sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

I understand that you want to keep the family together, because that is exactly what you have been doing FOR YEARS. You are exhausted, and you are probably not aware of it.
You and the DH need MC, and it would probably be good if you could get a family counselor in it. 
So your DH is "better"-how nice. That does not erase the pain that he has caused and the only way for the family to heal if for him to own it, apologize and improve his behavior.
Respect isn't bestowed on a man for being a father. Respect is earned. And your DH is still in the red in that department and your son knows it.


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## whyowhy

Pluto2 said:


> I understand that you want to keep the family together, because that is exactly what you have been doing FOR YEARS. You are exhausted, and you are probably not aware of it.
> You and the DH need MC, and it would probably be good if you could get a family counselor in it.
> So your DH is "better"-how nice. That does not erase the pain that he has caused and the only way for the family to heal if for him to own it, apologize and improve his behavior.
> Respect isn't bestowed on a man for being a father. Respect is earned. And your DH is still in the red in that department and your son knows it.


Agreed. DH has no idea of the pain he has caused. He only sees how today his son wont speak to him. Now our son is getting to the point where he is talking to his father, but he is saying
disrespectful things, like " get out of my way" and telling his father to go to bed!! See DS goes to bed as soon as he gets home from school so be won't have to speak to his father. Then will get up when his father goes to bed. It's his way of avoidin him. But DH stayed up real late last night to confront him

So DS was being rude last night and DH said basically he had better straighten up
or he's taking his phone away. 

I feel SO caught between them. I try to get DS to just be congenial to his father, while I try to make DH see
what he has done to cause all this!!! All while trying to keep the other kids from over hearing and hating him too!! 

DH blames me for everything!!!! Says DS learned all his disrespect from ME!! I just want to scream! He has this so twisted but he'll say IM 
twistin it!!

I didn't screw up his relationship w his son and I can't fix it. I wish to God I could 
Cause Lord knows I would in a heart beat!!

I have a feeling things are about to get real ugly real soon and I dont know 
what to do to prevent it! There is no where we can go, not until summer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needingstrength

WhyoWhy, my heart went out to you. Your story resonated with me so much! My 15 yo is a daughter but she is reacting the same way as your son. I have three sons but they left home as soon as they were able to. I don't want my daughter to leave sooner than she normally would because of her homelife but unless I do something that is what I believe will happen. 
I would advise you to allow your son the opportunity to speak to someone outside of the family, a counsellor or trusted teacher perhaps? My daughter has started counselling and it was only after the counsellor spoke to me with real concerns about D's mental and emotional health that I was able to get D to open up to me and discovered just how deeply our situation (almost identical to yours) has affected her.
I understand how difficult it is for you. D's counsellor made me feel very guilty for not removing her from this situation but although I think it is for the best that we leave, the times when H is 'good' make me feel that I should try to make things right.
I don't really believe I can do that. But until I convince myself that there is no hope I can't seem to find the strength to cut the ties.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are some others out here who know what you're going through and that the Right Answer (and I think we both know deep down what that is) may not be easy but our children must come first.
Probably the only thing I didn't agree with you on was your statement " I almost would rather lose the DH!" In my case, I know I could live without my H but I can't live without my D.


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## unbelievable

Respect is earned and your husband has had 15 years to earn it. I don't generally condone sons disrespecting their fathers but in your case, your son has very much earned the right to be angry. His father is a weak person who tries to bully those about him while a bottle controls himself. I applaud you for attempting to keep the peace in your home. Forgive the pun, but this isn't your beer. Your son's disrespect is a direct result of your husband's addiction. Your lack of enthusiasm about sexual relations is a direct result of your husband's sullen, abusive, selfish demeanor...also a consequence of his addiction. If he wants to get better from others he's going to have to "do" better. He expects love from his family? Was he thinking of his family when he drove DUI? You could very easily be a widow and your silent 15 year old an orphan. Why should anyone respect a man who loves a bottle more than this own wife and kids? Sadly, most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they seriously get help. Apparently the DUI arrest wasn't low enough for him.


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## whyowhy

unbelievable said:


> Respect is earned and your husband has had 15 years to earn it. I don't generally condone sons disrespecting their fathers but in your case, your son has very much earned the right to be angry. His father is a weak person who tries to bully those about him while a bottle controls himself. I applaud you for attempting to keep the peace in your home. Forgive the pun, but this isn't your beer. Your son's disrespect is a direct result of your husband's addiction. Your lack of enthusiasm about sexual relations is a direct result of your husband's sullen, abusive, selfish demeanor...also a consequence of his addiction. If he wants to get better from others he's going to have to "do" better. He expects love from his family? Was he thinking of his family when he drove DUI? You could very easily be a widow and your silent 15 year old an orphan. Why should anyone respect a man who loves a bottle more than this own wife and kids? Sadly, most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they seriously get help. Apparently the DUI arrest wasn't low enough for him.


Needing strength, while I am sad for your situation, I am "glad" to be among friends. It is a very hard decision. I would love to get my son into counseling, just to get it out. I will be looking into somewhere this summer.

Fortunately, things have died down here. I had a long talk with my DS, we realized that what is going on here is that rather than me being th target, HE has become the target! See back a few years ago while I was in school and DHs business tanked, I took a job bartending. This brought in much needed money, but also all of the problems we are facing today. He came to my work, drank excessively, and we fought at home. He would follow me around the house yelling at me and saying nasty things because he was drunk. When i would refuse to talk to him he would say to me "you are destroying this family!"

Now, I don't work at a bar and have a rather sweet and innocent profession, he can't blame me or accuse me for anything. But now that it's my son who won't talk to him he has said those exact words to him after following him around the house!!!! It was an epiphany for my son and I the other night!! He's now the target!! 

See DH won't accept any responsibility for his own actions, so he blames others!! I think that realizing what is going on has helped DS tremendously. It doesn't make having an @$$hole for a father easier, but at least he realizes it's not his fault or doing in any way.

This summer we will be staying with my parents quite a bit. This will give us all the much needed break from him. If I find a job while there, maybe we wont come back...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Even if your name were Jack Daniels, you wouldn't be to blame for an adult's decision to abuse alcohol. If my wife took a job as a veterinarian's assistant, that wouldn't make me give birth to a litter of puppies. Of course, drunks and druggies are great at figuring out how they are the victims of life and everyone else is to blame for the misery their addiction creates. When a 15 year old has a mean drunk for a father, he has three choices: 1. He emulates his father and becomes a drunk himself. 2. He assumes the father's abandoned role of family protector and beats his father senseless or worse. 3. He avoids his father, praying for the day he turns 18.
Seems that your son has chosen the best out of three bad options. The trouble with this scenario is your son will also be father to your grandkids. He can't shield his children from your drunk without keeping your grandkids away from you, too. In a way, your son is doing your husband a huge favor. He's giving him a tiny taste of the very real, permanent abandonment that your husband can expect, should he choose to continue his path. A wiser man would smell the coffee and get some help before finding himself reduced to being just a name decent people only mention in whispered tones.


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## whyowhy

needingstrength said:


> WhyoWhy, my heart went out to you. Your story resonated with me so much! My 15 yo is a daughter but she is reacting the same way as your son. I have three sons but they left home as soon as they were able to. I don't want my daughter to leave sooner than she normally would because of her homelife but unless I do something that is what I believe will happen.
> I would advise you to allow your son the opportunity to speak to someone outside of the family, a counsellor or trusted teacher perhaps? My daughter has started counselling and it was only after the counsellor spoke to me with real concerns about D's mental and emotional health that I was able to get D to open up to me and discovered just how deeply our situation (almost identical to yours) has affected her.
> I understand how difficult it is for you. D's counsellor made me feel very guilty for not removing her from this situation but although I think it is for the best that we leave, the times when H is 'good' make me feel that I should try to make things right.
> I don't really believe I can do that. But until I convince myself that there is no hope I can't seem to find the strength to cut the ties.
> I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are some others out here who know what you're going through and that the Right Answer (and I think we both know deep down what that is) may not be easy but our children must come first.
> Probably the only thing I didn't agree with you on was your statement " I almost would rather lose the DH!" In my case, I know I could live without my H but I can't live without my D.


The other night DS and I had a heart to heart. Bottom-line is this, he doesnt want to be anything like his father, he's afraid if he spends time around talking to him etc., that he will end up like him. My issue with that is that by him (DS) being rude and disrespectful, he actually IS being a bit like him. His dad is actually trying pretty hard lately. He has backed off of him, isnt pushing him to talk, and has been going to church. He's quit smoking and drinking. DS of course is just waiting for DH to have an outburst/ episode again. I feel that as long as DH is trying, he (DS) has to realize he's a human being and not perfect. No one is. 

I feel so stuck in between the two of them.

DS has developed such a disrespectful/arrogant way about him. He has been rude to me too lately. During our heart to heart, he said that was somethig that he doesn't like about himself and is having a hard time controlling it. He blames that on his father. He says that he wants to be a better person than his dad has been. He wants to be a terrific father. I see how he is with his little bro and Sis and I know he will be an amazing dad someday.

I feel like he's battling so many things..his past with his father, his own character flaws, his hormones, etc. I'm sure here's a bunch more that I don't even realize.

I just don't know what to do or to say to either of them anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Sounds like you're hitting all the right buttons. DS acknowledges his behaviors are sometimes inappropriate. One of the main differences between adults and kids is that adults are held accountable for their actions. Kids often get away with doing as they feel but adults have to do what must be done regardless of how they feel. Your DS isn't a man yet so his awkwardness in making the transition is only natural. Another difference between kids and adults is that adults have little use for the notion of "fair". Kids imagine that everyone is supposed to get great parents, great jobs with great bosses; infallible teachers who read minds, etc. Adults live in the real world where some folks have drunks for fathers, cops sometimes make mistakes, the best employee doesn't always get promoted, college grads don't always find work, and "fair" is where you buy cotton candy and ride the merry-go-round.


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## CLucas976

whyowhy said:


> The other night DS and I had a heart to heart. Bottom-line is this, he doesnt want to be anything like his father, he's afraid if he spends time around talking to him etc., that he will end up like him. My issue with that is that by him (DS) being rude and disrespectful, he actually IS being a bit like him. * His dad is actually trying pretty hard lately.* He has backed off of him, isnt pushing him to talk, and has been going to church. He's quit smoking and drinking. *DS of course is just waiting for DH to have an outburst/ episode again.* I feel that as long as DH is trying, he (DS) has to realize *he's a human being and not perfect. No one is. *
> 
> I feel so stuck in between the two of them.
> 
> DS has developed such a disrespectful/arrogant way about him. * He has been rude to me too lately.* During our heart to heart, he said that was somethig that he doesn't like about himself and is having a hard time controlling it. He blames that on his father. He says that he wants to be a better person than his dad has been. He wants to be a terrific father. I see how he is with his little bro and Sis and I know he will be an amazing dad someday.
> 
> I feel like he's battling so many things..his past with his father, his own character flaws, his hormones, etc. I'm sure here's a bunch more that I don't even realize.
> 
> *I just don't know what to do or to say to either of them anymore.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're sticking yourself between them, which is why you feel that way.

as for the rest of what stuck out to me. Your son has every right to shut down to his dad. It really won't matter how much his father is "trying lately" because it's already proven itself to be a pattern, so until that pattern is broken, your son and probably the rest of your family is going to be at attention waiting for the episode. 

Your son is most likely being rude to you lately, because subconsciously, he feels like you're the reason they're still having to deal with a father who behaves as you've described. He blames you for him having to continually live with his father.

What I grew up with, was bad. I hated my mom for making us live with our step-dad and for letting us be treated and talked to like that. I was so mad at her for everything she did trying to keep a "family" that was total bs, and angry that I had to watch her walk around pretending everything was great and that she was happy. I can only imagine how your son feels, considering his situation is worse.

You can't fix the relationship between your son and his father. His father needs to humble himself and go to his son, actually being honest with him, and stick with the "trying" he's been doing.

Frankly, if he has another episode, I have to ask, what are you staying for?


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## whyowhy

CLucas976 said:


> You're sticking yourself between them, which is why you feel that way.
> 
> as for the rest of what stuck out to me. Your son has every right to shut down to his dad. It really won't matter how much his father is "trying lately" because it's already proven itself to be a pattern, so until that pattern is broken, your son and probably the rest of your family is going to be at attention waiting for the episode.
> 
> Your son is most likely being rude to you lately, because subconsciously, he feels like you're the reason they're still having to deal with a father who behaves as you've described. He blames you for him having to continually live with his father.
> 
> What I grew up with, was bad. I hated my mom for making us live with our step-dad and for letting us be treated and talked to like that. I was so mad at her for everything she did trying to keep a "family" that was total bs, and angry that I had to watch her walk around pretending everything was great and that she was happy. I can only imagine how your son feels, considering his situation is worse.
> 
> You can't fix the relationship between your son and his father. His father needs to humble himself and go to his son, actually being honest with him, and stick with the "trying" he's been doing.
> 
> Frankly, if he has another episode, I have to ask, what are you staying for?


Idk. I guess its hard to leave something you've known for so long for the uncertainty that leaving will actually be better. Leaving is such a HUGE decision and likely one that you can't undo. So unless I feel/know it's the BEST decision, I will probably not leave. He is narcissistic and has a hard time admitting he's wrong. When we argue, he hardly let's me talk. He then gets me all upset and says " why are you getting upset?". He's a master manipulator and it's hard to really discuss your side with him. As for him going to DS and "humbling" himself to him. That aint happening. He probably feels that son needs to come to him. He's threatened to shut his phone off because DS told him to stop being an ******* yesterday. Nice stuff I get to deal with in this place. 

Of course he does probably blame me for staying, but it's not easy to just leave with 3 kids. Especially not knowing of its the best choice. That is why people stay in abusive relationships. People actually get themselves killed because it's so hard to leave. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976

so you're justifying staying, by that thought process.

I'm sorry, but you're letting your children suffer and making a bad example of what relationships are supposed to be by doing so.

I know why people stay in abusive relationships, I've watched them my entire life. Your son is going to take off as soon as he can, which is exactly what I did, and what most kids in that situation do. I didn't even start coming back around until my mom had left the man that treated us, her children, the way he did. 

good luck with that.


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## whyowhy

*Re: 15 yos refuses to speak to his father....and me now too!*

Well, now he wont speak to me either. =(

Everything was going well, DS was showing me some of his school work, and DH came in and asked how his day had been. DS exploded and told his father to F off and told him that he wanted to stab him!!!! He really hates his father, he doesn't want to talk to him. I get that, but to go off and say stuff like that. I corrected DS about it. I told him he can be upset and talk about it, but to go off and say things like that are way out of line.

DH has totally stopped drinking and smoking. He poured all the alcohol down the drain. He has been going to church 3X per week and has really changed. It has been almost 2 months and he is really doing well and wanting to get his family back and wants to get his son back.

DS wrote on a piece of paper "nothing has changed." I can't blame him for thinking this...he has heard it all before. But DH has never poured the alcohol down the drain before, quit smoking, AND gone to church either.

All I can think is that he is upset with me for taking his dad's side against him when he threatened him. I mean, he probably thinks that I am ridiculous to even believe DH. I get that and I can understand that. 

So he probably feels alone and that I have abandoned him or something. I still talk to him just like I have, I still tell him I love him, he "listens" to me, but just one word responses now.

He has also stopped eating dinner that I cook now too. I see he's eating though, just after everyone goes to bed.

I think he needs to talk to a counselor to work through his anger issues. His anger seems to be getting out of control and I don't know what else to do. 

Am I completely overlooking something here?

Help!


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## lamaga

Well, Why, I don't think the 15 year old is the one with the problem. And for all the agonizing you are doing here, I don't see you doing much to acknowledge what your son is going through.

I think your DH needs to move out for a while and prove that he can change/has changed. But that's a huge decision and one you are probably not ready for.

I do think you need to find a way to let your son know that his concerns are valid, and that his concerns are heard.


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## dormant

I have no suggestions on how to fix this, but it needs fixed. 

As I grew up, I developed a really bad attitude toward my parents. I'm not sue if I can say it was Hate, but I know sometimes it was for sure.

He was a jerk and she tried to be too over protective. For a reference point, I'll be 59 later this month. In 2005, my dad died of brain cancer and it was truly one of the best days of my life. I'm still waiting to read her Obituary. That will be the best day.

The reason I'm saying this is: If this doesn't get fixed you son will spend his whole life with hatred. In my case, I still at times fantasize about the day I hear she is gone.

Just my 2 cents


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## Cooper

Look at it from your sons perspective, his entire life has been a cycle of broken promises from his dad, so now 15 years into it you're telling him "this time is different, give your dad a break" He has been taught his entire life to not trust or depend on his father because it will only lead to disappointment, that isn't going to change just because you say so. 

So yes, he will be resentful toward you also for not living in reality and forcing him to continue to live that cycle of life. Honestly it may be too late to repair their relationship even if this time "it is different"


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## whyowhy

Cooper said:


> Look at it from your sons perspective, his entire life has been a cycle of broken promises from his dad, so now 15 years into it you're telling him "this time is different, give your dad a break" He has been taught his entire life to not trust or depend on his father because it will only lead to disappointment, that isn't going to change just because you say so.
> 
> So yes, he will be resentful toward you also for not living in reality and forcing him to continue to live that cycle of life. Honestly it may be too late to repair their relationship even if this time "it is different"



Yes, it is probably too late. You're right there. I want to move out, but there's so much involved and I doubt I'll be able to afford it. It would be great of DH would agree to move out. 

I've re-read this entire thread and have come to the conclusion that I'm ridiculous. The crap I have put up with and put my kids through is incomprehensible. I am a weak person who has lived her life in a bubble with blinders on. If something was bad, I'd mostly ignore it. I live the life of an enabler and in denial. It's quite pathetic! The 16 year old version of myself would kick my @$$ for putting up with this.

I wish I could totally afford to move out. Plus I'd need furniture too. I have no idea of how people successfully get out of bad situations. What is the first step? I have 3 kids. Do I take all of them or give them a choice??? Should I move close so they can see their father or far so they don't?? 

I want to scream.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

You're not ridiculous and you are not weak. And you are thinking of going into a very trying situation in which you'll need all your strength, so stop right now with that kind of negative self-talk! 

Can you see a counselor? I don't think you should give the kids a choice, this is a decision you are making as a parent.Lots of people on here have good legal advice, you might repost in the considering divorce section. Don't worry about furniture. There's always cheap furniture around, that's not a concern.

Good luck to you.


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## whyowhy

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

whyowhy said:


> Yes, it is probably too late. You're right there. I want to move out, but there's so much involved and I doubt I'll be able to afford it. It would be great of DH would agree to move out.
> 
> I've re-read this entire thread and have come to the conclusion that I'm ridiculous. The crap I have put up with and put my kids through is incomprehensible. I am a weak person who has lived her life in a bubble with blinders on. If something was bad, I'd mostly ignore it. I live the life of an enabler and in denial. It's quite pathetic! The 16 year old version of myself would kick my @$$ for putting up with this.
> 
> I wish I could totally afford to move out. Plus I'd need furniture too. I have no idea of how people successfully get out of bad situations. What is the first step? I have 3 kids. Do I take all of them or give them a choice??? Should I move close so they can see their father or far so they don't??
> 
> I want to scream.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok so now you have spent a bit of time beating yourself up. We all need to kick ourselves in the butt once in a while. That's it, time up. That's all the time you get for doing this. It's time to move forward. 

No, you do not need to move out. He does.

Go get a consultation with an attorney. Ask for help getting setup so you can do this. The attorney can file for spousal support and child support. They can also file for the court to order your husband out of the house because of the abuse. 

Before you do anything go to center for abused spouses, get yourself an individual counselor. See what they can help you with. 

They might be able to hook you up with an attorney who specializes in cases like yours. See the attorney.

Open up a bank account in your name only. Start putting money away. 

Do you and your husband have savings? A joint checking account? Any kind of investments?

You need a plan before you do anything. I’m sure the good folks here can help you draw up your plan.


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## Double Trouble

Just because your husband has stopped or cut down his drinking doesn't mean that he is better. He still has anger issues which have and will lead to relapses. His first step has to be to admitting to having a problem. He wont do that until he hits rock bottom. Rock bottom me be facing the fact that he is going to loose his wife and kids. You need to stop being the enabler and step up for your sake and your kids and take control of this situation and make a decision that will either end your marriage or save it and leave this guy. If he realizes what he is loosing he will change and make the right decision and get support through AA or counseling. 

As far as you personal are concerned, I recomend what a previous post had said and that is that you seek help and support from Al-anone which is a support group for families of alcaholics and recovery addicts. This will not only help you but will help your son as well. Check out this web site. 

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

Good luck and do something for you and your kids and step worrying about your husband. He needs to help himself at this point.


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## Crazy8

Cooper said:


> Your story takes me back 36 years to when I was a 15 year old boy. I wanted nothing more than to kick the **** out of my father and protect my mother, but I was scared and how do you hit your father? Looking back I tried to direct his anger at me because it's all I knew to do, and trust me I did a pretty good job of making him angry. Your son wants to be a man, he wants to protect you and can't bare to see you hurt, emotionally or physically. But he is conflicted, he see's your husband direct hostility toward you, he see's his father act like a jerk and a bully, but how does he confront and challenge his own father? So he let's him know how he feels by showing him he hates him for what he does, by not speaking to him, by showing him he is disgusted with him, embarrassed by him, and by showing him he has zero respect for him
> 
> I can't tell you how to fix this, but I remember being that 15 year old boy. Your son is pissed and he wants dad to know it. And it sounds like your son is right, do you want your son to grow up thinking that kind of behavior from a husband and father is OK ? I think you should give the boy a hug and thank him for caring.


I've been there too. The only thing is I was 12. And I fought my father. My father was an alcoholic, and he'd get very violent and angry. I knew I'd never win, but something had to be done. He almost killed me a few times. Literally. 

whyowhy - Tell your son to learn from this and to be a better man than this. This is a problem between father and son. I know you're in the middle of it, but you maybe need to step back. If your husband complains about it, tell him he needs to do something about it. There's nothing you can do to repair that relationship. There's nothing you can say. It's their relationship.

I stopped seeing my dad when I was 13 or so. I didn't see him until I was 21. I played college football at the time I saw him. I remember that he was so scared of me. He thought I was going to kill him. I just smiled. Because I could have. And I knew it. More importantly, he knew it. 

The problem is that my dad was such a jerk that I was better off without him. Maybe that's the case with your son. But I need you to understand that that still leaves a scar. It's very painful, and will cause a lot of anger. He needs to be encouraged to take something up to let that anger out too. Mixed martial arts is a good thing. It's not as rough as you think. Football's much rougher. Believe me I know from experience. 

The point is, when I was young and in a similar position, I hated myself. I didn't have a male role model. The only one I had sucked. I left a large hole. It needs to be filled with something. A man gets confidence from his father. When he can't get confidence from his father, he needs to get it from somewhere else. Experience. So he needs a lot of experiences where he accomplishes things and that builds references. 

Confidence is born of a demonstrated ability. Remember that. He needs things that demonstrate ability. Sports did that for me. He needs something.


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