# Husband leaving me for a co worker



## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

Hi,

I am 41 years old and a stay at home mom. My husband of 12 years has decided to leave me for a co-worker. Last week I ran across an email from them and of course I called him and asked what was going on. When he came home he told me that he loved both of us. This person sits right next to him at his office. He told me this has been going on for 5 months. I'm so confused because he has never even been late home from work. All of our time is spent together as a family. We don't even argue. I went through the phone logs for the past year. He has only called her twice. Once when I was out of town at my friends house. Then one more time in June. The day after the first phone call his mother died unexpectedly. He and I got on a plane and we were gone for 2 weeks. The other phone call to this woman was on the day we came home. After I confronted him about this woman he left. Told me that we were 2 ships not going to the same port. Really? So, ever since last thursday he has been at her home with her 3 and 4 year old. He told me he can talk to her and not me. That they have more in common. Of course they do. They work together. He is supposed to come over here tonite to give me closure. I'm so upset about this. He told me that he has to do this for himself. What does that mean? I have asked him to please do marriage counseling. He said he didnt know if he could give her up? Someone please help me. I honestly have absolutely no clue how to handle this. I have devoted my life to my family. And until last week I thought he did too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ricki,

The moderators should likely move this one to the Coping with Infidelity forum. There are many people there with broad experience in situations exactly like this.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

okay. whatever it takes im really lost


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ricki said:


> okay. whatever it takes im really lost


Help's on the way.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Well Ricki, I'm sorry you're going through this sis. You'll find that a lot of the posters here will offer you some quality advice, the sad part is not a lot of people listen because a lot of the advice is counter intuitive.

Go to the 180 link on my signature and also read the Just Let them go link. You need to adopt the the 180 and there will be one of two outcomes, one, your husband is going to come running back to you at which point you can either chose to divorce him or reconcile. Two, you're going to be in a much better position to divorce him because . And if you're going to take option two, since you're a stay at home mom, you'll get to milk him to the last penny. So you're the winner either way

Be strong now, you will be alright


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Ricki said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am 41 years old and a stay at home mom. My husband of 12 years has decided to leave me for a co-worker. Last week I ran across an email from them and of course I called him and asked what was going on. When he came home he told me that he loved both of us. This person sits right next to him at his office. He told me this has been going on for 5 months. I'm so confused because he has never even been late home from work. All of our time is spent together as a family. We don't even argue. I went through the phone logs for the past year. He has only called her twice. Once when I was out of town at my friends house. Then one more time in June. The day after the first phone call his mother died unexpectedly. He and I got on a plane and we were gone for 2 weeks. The other phone call to this woman was on the day we came home. After I confronted him about this woman he left. Told me that we were 2 ships not going to the same port. Really? So, ever since last thursday he has been at her home with her 3 and 4 year old. He told me he can talk to her and not me. That they have more in common. Of course they do. They work together. He is supposed to come over here tonite to give me closure. I'm so upset about this. He told me that he has to do this for himself. What does that mean? I have asked him to please do marriage counseling. He said he didnt know if he could give her up? Someone please help me. I honestly have absolutely no clue how to handle this. I have devoted my life to my family. And until last week I thought he did too.



Hi Ricki sorry you are here I would start working on yourself and taking care of your children and get ready to get a job or go back to school. Maybe discover some new hobbies such as exercising, or whatever and I would go ahead and talk to a atty, see what spousal support and child support you can expect maybe open a separate account at the bank under your name, I feel this is a time of action doing something rather than doing nothing. You could go ahead and file and I would expose the affair to everyone he knows including his company I am sure they would be real interested to know what is going on on company time rememeber by filing you sending a message that you are serious and you consider a marriage between 2 people not 3 hope that helps


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

read A/R's thread it will help you

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Here's the thing though. If she goes to HR and tattles on her H and this OW, her H could be fired and then she won't get alimony or the financial support she will need.

We have to be careful about advising BSs to do this. 

You definitely should, however, expose the affair to the OWs family, your H's family and friends, etc. It's like pouring hot water over an ice cube.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

He wrote me an email yesterday telling me all this stuff how we are 2 different boats. How he cant give me what i need. He said all of this is because of him. I really have asked everyone that does know us and of course no one ever had a clue he wasnt happy. I dont even think I can look at him tonite. The email from yesterday was not written by my husband. He knows that all I have to do is call his boss and this woman is a contractor and this will start throwing a wrench into his happy life with her. I feel like I have to wake him up somehow. I know that my vision is clouded because of shock but, I'm not stupid. The craziest thing to me..I guess maybe I could understand more if our intimacy had stopped. But, we were together the night before. When I saw him after I caught the email he looked terrified when he got home. I know his job is important to him but, this is behavior that no one expected. He is the most selfless person I have ever met other than his mother. That which I told you passed. He has been broken since that day. Do you think this could have something to do with this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sounds like he's in lala fantasy land

when you engage in something as destructive and hurtful as an affair you have to justify it to yourself as righteous and in order to do that people will often rewrite marital history, exaggerate problems greatly and even vilify their spouse

the crap he's feeding you is his way making the very wrong thing he'd doing into a right thing- don't buy it, this isn't your fault in the slightest


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Here's the thing though. If she goes to HR and tattles on her H and this OW, her H could be fired and then she won't get alimony or the financial support she will need.
> 
> We have to be careful about advising BSs to do this.
> I mentioned what I would do and thats me I wouldnt put up with this crap for one second and if he gets fired oh well eventually he will have to find a job or go to jail for child support issues
> ...


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I can't believe one word of this. He is the type of person that hates confrontation and hates to be wrong. I feel like he's running. He said it's easier for me to talk to her. You think? Considering I had no clue. In the email he said I care for you and wish you no harm. What does that mean? I will take care of you so that you can get on your feet. Until right now he has spent every single night at home. I just can't imagine him involving other children.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ricki said:


> I can't believe one word of this. He is the type of person that hates confrontation and hates to be wrong. I feel like he's running. He said it's easier for me to talk to her. You think? Considering I had no clue. In the email he said I care for you and wish you no harm. What does that mean? I will take care of you so that you can get on your feet. Until right now he has spent every single night at home. I just can't imagine him involving other children.



more crap in his head to justify everything

he pictures that you and he will still be friends with each other and probably even you and OW will become fast friends too


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Ricki said:


> I can't believe one word of this. He is the type of person that hates confrontation and hates to be wrong. I feel like he's running. He said it's easier for me to talk to her. You think? Considering I had no clue. In the email he said I care for you and wish you no harm. What does that mean? I will take care of you so that you can get on your feet. Until right now he has spent every single night at home. I just can't imagine him involving other children.


I have to agree with you he cant face you in person so he hides behind a email Research affairs and their cause and effects on people the affair releases some chemicals in the brain similar to drugs its like he has become a different person this is what is known as affair fog and as long as he is with her he is in it


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I need to wake him up. And the things I have found out about her is completely crazy. He is going from a loving home to something I cant believe. I feel like the only reason he is coming over here tonite is to keep me somewhat happy because of the whole job issue. He told me on Wednesday dont you threaten my job. I dont know what he expects me to do


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

His colleagues respect him. Or so he thinks. Don't you think that if he is so in love that he would want the world to know?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Implement the 180....I would not even allow him to come over.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

exposure tends to wake most folks up who knows it depends on how deep he is and are you willing to forgive him once he decides to come home ???


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Ricki said:


> His colleagues respect him. Or so he thinks. Don't you think that if he is so in love that he would want the world to know?


I would thank so


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Well really, I would expose it to his job. You gotta throw a 'real world' wrench into his foggy mind and that would be it. 

And I wouldn't let him know you are going to do that either. 

I also suggest getting a voice activated recorder and have it hidden to pick up the conversation he has with you tonight, in case you need to go back and re listen to what he says. 
Tell him a marriage is between 2 people and until he cuts off all contact with the home-wrecking wh*re-you are done. 180 baby all the way, it's the only way.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So he lies and cheats and then threatens you if you expose? Forget his threats. And I am truly sorry you are here. It sucks.
What do you want? Because apparently you think you have to decide right now, and you don't. So what if he's coming over tonight. The A was on his timetable, and life after that is solely on yours.
Want to stay in the marriage and R. OK, then he needs to show real remorse, transparency and accountability.
Had enough of him? OK, protect yourself and your family.
You do need to go see an attorney (you never have to file, but you will get good information about where you stand) and an MD (get tested for STD, talk about counseling, depression, etc.)
He is not thinking clearly, he is making bad decisions.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> exposure tends to wake most folks up who knows it depends on how deep he is and are you willing to forgive him once he decides to come home ???


I totally agree...that is what happend with my H's EA..once I let our son know what was going on..that did it. Make H realize what the hell was I thinking??


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

okay so what do ya'll think of this? His moms funeral was one month ago. He spoke at her funeral and i had to stand there with him and finish where he left off. I had all of these words framed for him with a picture of him and her as a little boy. The first lines are..mom you showed me how to love life, and be a wonderful family. You showed me how to be a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. Here is where i am lost


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I want to save my marriage. I want to do whatever possible to save us. He is trying to ruin his life for some reason


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Then do the 180....I do not see any other options for you. Something drastic has to occur to shake him out of this.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Ricki, you can't save your marriage if he does not want to save it. He is in denial. My god, you have children with him and he's not even thinking of them right now. He's not even thinking of you!! He's only thinking of himself...........and how not to lose his job. Do not listen to his threats. Make notes of everything he says; not sure if it will hold in court or not. I would definitely contact his HR dept. and find out what their policy is on employee relationships. Some companies have no policy on it, but some do. Find out!


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I feel like today is my only shot. And Im not even sure I can look at him


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm very sorry that you at this place. Please listen to all of the advise you are given here. Everyone here has been through it and they know what they are talking about it. I can only add this, the 180 is very difficult to implement at this stage. It will go against everything you think you should do. You will want to change his mind and remind him of the past. You will want to try to convince him that this is a huge mistake. Please fight these urges. Your emotions are your worst enemy right now. Implementing the 180 is your only chance of fixing this and yourself. I speak from first hand experience. I didn't listen to the advice because I convinced myself that my situation was different my husband would be reasonable and would listen to me. He was not rational and neither is your husband. I made a huge mistake. Please don't make the same one.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

SO as they work together..if you told you tonight that yes I want to save our marriage..would you trust him to do the right thing and stay away from her even though they work right beside each other??? Would that heal everything him simply saying those words??


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

no..he is set to be laid off and so is she in december. the plan that was unfolding is that he would be working from home and officed out of another location. I feel like if i wouldnt have stumbled upon this email he would be working from him and this would have ended. it might be wrong what im thinking but i truly am blown away with his actions


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You have a PM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the only chance you have is to expose the affair at his work. It will cause grief, but will it be more grief than a divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Why do I have the feeling that the OP just wants to brush this under the rug and quickly move on...I really hope that is not the case. Please at the very least maybe get into some good MC'ing.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Ricki said:


> I can't believe one word of this. He is the type of person that hates confrontation and hates to be wrong. I feel like he's running. He said it's easier for me to talk to her. You think? Considering I had no clue. In the email he said I care for you and wish you no harm. What does that mean? I will take care of you so that you can get on your feet. Until right now he has spent every single night at home. I just can't imagine him involving other children.


I recognize this picture. My FWH started feeling guilty and was trying to back out. The OW would tell him what to say and put new ideas about how bad our marriage was in his head. Your H is feeling guilty and figures if she talks for him he won't have to deal with his own crap.

Way are you talking to that woman? I talked to the OW but trust me it wasn't a "tell me what we need to do" conversation. It was more like a "but the H*** out!" conversation.

Tell him you're not married to her, you're married to him, and if he wants out then he is going to have to deal with you himself. Oh, and ask him just how much money she's already getting from him. Sound like a single mom. My H OW wasn't a single mom but was certainly in charge and in it for the money. 

Start doing whatever it takes to take care of you and the kids. If he decides to stay with her let her pay for him. He should be paying for you and the kids. Make him!


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I have no clue what he wants. Honestly after this I dont know anything.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. If you love your husband you need to fight for him and that includes fighting dirty. He could be suffering with depression and it could be clouding his judgment. This other woman is probably poison and has Been messing with is mind and emotions. Confront your husband and do it soon. It may be worth pointing out facts like 75% of relationships born from extra marital affairs fail within12 months. He may think this will be different though and I guarantee that the othe 75% thought exactly the same the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Nigel said:


> I'm sorry for your situation. If you love your husband you need to fight for him and that includes fighting dirty. He could be suffering with depression and it could be clouding his judgment. This other woman is probably poison and has Been messing with is mind and emotions. Confront your husband and do it soon. It may be worth pointing out facts like 75% of relationships born from extra marital affairs fail within12 months. He may think this will be different though and I guarantee that the othe 75% thought exactly the same the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mate, when they're neck deep in an affair facts and figures make no bloody difference.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Mate, when they're neck deep in an affair facts and figures make no bloody difference.



On its own no, I agree but as a combination of measures under the heading of "fighting for your spouse " it will have an effect. It did with me.!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ricki, I am in almost exactly the same place as you - around the same age, husband with a coworker (except he didn't tell me I found out) I'm a little further down the line than you, and have no kids, but know EXACTLY how you feel. Feel free to ask me any questions and I'll advise as best I can.....


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

okay..did you tell his job? he came over last night..that was a complete joke..honestly, he looks like he is having a nervous breakdown.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, God, Ricki. I am sorry you had to look for us, but glad you found us.

Just about everyone here has been betrayed in one way or another by a spouse, so we know a little of what you are going through.

We'll be here for you with practical tips, advice and a shoulder to lean on when it gets tough.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ricki said:


> okay..did you tell his job? he came over last night..that was a complete joke..honestly, he looks like he is having a nervous breakdown.


Actually, he might be...


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ricki, no I have been strongly advised as I'm divorcing to not tell his work, as it would mean I could loose spousal support.
For you, you have to decide if you want to save your marriage or if you are done with him - hard I know, so maybe wait a little while before doing anything regarding his work.
If you want to save your marriage, everyone seems to agree that exposing the affair is the best thing to do. I'm sure people on here will advise you on that. If you want to divorce, then I wouldn't tel his workl to protect yourself and your children financially. You can always use it as leverage to get what you want.
Again if you want to save your marriage (and he does sound horribly confused which I think is actually a good thing at this stage - he seems to still really care and just be very torn) there is a lot you can put into practise right now. The 180 is good (look this up on here) and Plan A and Plan B from, I think, divorce busters.
These are very hard to do at this early stage, but do seem to work. I made all the mistakes and pushed him further away, but to be honest, I'm OK with that as I don't tolerate cheating, but definitely read up on them and do them now if you can for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm here to listen and help if you need it....


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

How am I supposed to expose the affair if it is at work? I mean of course I can to family and friends. But he left my bed and went straight to hers. she sits right next to him at work. He has never never done this before. He told me a year ago he was depressed...his mom just died tragically..could this be a mid life thing?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ricky, hold off just for a bit, but you can tell his boss and HR and write something along the lines of 'My husband x and his coworker x are having an affair. I am aware of issues with sexual harassment lawsuitsand would hate for that to happen at your company. I also desperately want to save my marriage and love my husband very much, and would appreciate your help in stopping this affair'

Someone else may be able to word better, but something along those lines. Yes it could quite possibly be a midlife crisis, I've read numerous times of this happening after the death of a close family member - spouses reassess their lives, etc. Depression is also another big factor.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Ricki said:


> How am I supposed to expose the affair if it is at work? I mean of course I can to family and friends. But he left my bed and went straight to hers. she sits right next to him at work. He has never never done this before. He told me a year ago he was depressed...his mom just died tragically..could this be a mid life thing?


By telling a manager / boss / human resources / personnel that they are in an affair.

While consensual co-worker affairs rarely rise to the level of creating a hostile environment (such that THEIR co-workers could sue the company for sexual harassment) such interactions are frowned upon because they harm company morale. They also are viewed, and rightfully so, as huge resource drains as the two of them email, call, text, and spend loooong lunches together etc. all to the harm of the company. In this economy, companies care a lot about their bottom line, and there is not a lot of tolerance for this sort of thing. (It's especially bad if there is any way their work colleagues can suggest that these two are getting any sort of favors or advantages due to their relationship, but that is usually only the case where one of them supervises the other.)

As Bentley's Mom says, the issue is that if he is fired, then you won't get any spousal / child support until he gets another source of income. However, your RIGHTS to income from him under the law are unaffected by his job status. And that includes telling the pure and simply truth to his employer, such that he is fired.

This is a decision you will have to make, you know all the variables.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

As far as a mid life crisis, well; life is tough for everyone. Bad things happen. Disappointments. Stress. Twists and turns that we didn't expect. Responsibilities that weigh us down. EVERYONE has them. Everyone.

The issue is, how do we handle life? We can do it gracefully, with as little harm to other human beings as possible, out of the simple respect that LIFE IS TOUGH FOR THEM, TOO. Or, we can do it selfishly, maximizing the hurt and damage to others as we go.

Now, some people are selfish about how they handle life, but get this: they STILL don't choose to have an affair as their selfish way of reducing anxiety / stress / depression. They do something else selfish, like spend too much money, or spending time with their (non-sexually attractive) friends, or they become workaholics, bulimics, or they gamble, cut themselves, watch too much porn, or drink, do drugs...the list goes on. And many, if not most, of those people would be _appalled_ at the idea of cheating.

So you see, we can say it's a midlife crisis. But that doesn't get you anywhere, because it doesn't explain his poor boundaries in marriage.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

He is definately messed up for sure. Regardless of if he stays with me he needs some help. I could see the absolute guilt and pain all of him. He was here for 4 hours. I said what do you want me to do? When do I need to move? He said I want nothing to change for you and Hannah. He said I will do everything as normal. He didn't take anything else from the house and he gave me the gps. I asked him if he had told his dad and sisters...and he said yes...I said what did they say ...he didnt want to go into that. I have never seen him looking so weak. I woke up this morning and of course none of his family knew anything. They said we have been trying to call him for 4 days with no answer. I told them. That was horrible to do considering they are grieving right now.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Ricki said:


> He is definately messed up for sure. Regardless of if he stays with me he needs some help. I could see the absolute guilt and pain all of him. He was here for 4 hours. I said what do you want me to do? When do I need to move? He said I want nothing to change for you and Hannah. He said I will do everything as normal. He didn't take anything else from the house and he gave me the gps. I asked him if he had told his dad and sisters...and he said yes...I said what did they say ...he didnt want to go into that. I have never seen him looking so weak. I woke up this morning and of course none of his family knew anything. They said we have been trying to call him for 4 days with no answer. I told them. That was horrible to do considering they are grieving right now.


I will be interested to see how he reacts now that his family knows. It is tough to expose the affair to the WS's family but the truth is there is never a good time to do that. But it is essential so that they can support you and hear the truth, so that they aren't fooled that he just happened to meet the new GF AFTER the two of you separate / divorce. So that they will help you protect your kids from interacting with her and put pressure on him to choose / end the affair.

Right now it's very difficult to say whether or not this is an "exit affair" (where he wants out of the marriage and she is actually an excuse) or whether he is simply infatuated like the vast majority of cheaters, i.e., crossed marital boundaries with inappropriate conversation and became infatuated.

I'm sorry, I forgot, have you researched her at all? One woman turned out to have been fired from her prior job because of sexually inappropriate behavior at the work place. Sometimes people are criminals, married with kids etc when they say they aren't. Other people have super-religious family that will give them the boot if they find out you're trying to steal someone else's man. You just never know until you look. If, that is, you want to break up the affair, otherwise, no need to bother.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

I have researched her the best I can. She is 34. She has a 3 and 4 year old from different fathers, lives in an apartment. The whole thing is so strange. So he told me she gets him, that its easier to talk to her. Well of course it is. There is a connection that he cant describe. The weirder thing...He has never spent one night away from home until now. Not even late coming home from work. I went through our phone bill..Because i thought...if i loved someone soooo much i would spend every second wanting to talk to them right? and until now our marriage had no trust issues. He called her one time on june 7th...then his mom passed away...then he called her one more time on june 23rd. I checked for the whole year and found nothing. its crazy. absolutely crazy. i mean it looks like maybe this has been going on for only a few months. and thats what he told me too...he said this went way too fast


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## WonderingWhat'sNext (Jul 25, 2012)

I know you still love him but I think you should leave him. It will take time to heal, but you'll have your self-respect. Life is too short to live in an awkward situation. I think marriage is breaking down in general (in society). Definately get angry, but try not too harbor too much hate over time. Definately don't trash him to your kids, it will mess them up when they have their relationships later in life.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass will help you a lot in terms of seeing how these things happen.

Infatuation takes about 2 weeks, especially between people who already know each other.

They either don't need to call one another, because they see each other all day at work; or they text each other (have you created an ONLINE account for the phone to see those? Not the words, but the date / time / location of exchanged texts. Verizon wireless provides them but ONLY online and only for the past month). Or they could be using any number of texting aps / methods, or they could have secret email account that they use. Or he has a burner phone that he keeps in the car (which is why a VAR helps even when you think it won't).

The classic emotional affair (for a man) is "rescuing" someone. I know it's strange but there are plenty of men like him, I recall one woman not long ago whose husband was on his SECOND affair with yet another single mom with young kids.

My H also had an affair with a married woman with a young boy, she had married her H for his status / family / money / connections / to please her relatives and she was miserable (poor widdle thing). So my H let her vent and sympathized and listened to her complaints about how she had to work full-time and do all the housework, etc etc etc. Like a slave, she was. When she wasn't going to the gym and hanging out at coffee houses while her four-year old was in full time daycare. Ahem.

However, while my H was clearly not remotely interested in her son (I read tons of emails spanning years between them that he had tried to delete), it always concerns me when I read on the forum about men taking up with women with young children. I just have to put that out there because...I just have to, just in case it rings a bell with someone who is reading. Not saying that is an issue in the case.

Anyhow, intimate conversation, probably about her horrible ex's and how lonely she is, is incredibly inappropriate for a married man to engage in with a woman who isn't his wife. Dr. Harley in his well-respected book, His Needs / Her Needs, says that these types of conversations are off-limits because when they include an expression of care (not love, just care) it leads almost inexorably to infatuation.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

He is a computer I.T. guy. so there is no telling what i would find if i knew how to crack into his emails. He has changed his passwords as of today. I turned up the heat. Well, not me but everyone. He wont talk to anyone. He goes to work and goes directly to her house to hide. What kind of a woman wants a man like that? Especially a woman with 2 little kids. Honestly I feel like he is being the biggest child about this. After last night I havent tried to talk to him. I feel like I am dealing with a coward. It's stupid. He changed both of his email account passwords and left the bank alone.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Ricki said:


> He is a computer I.T. guy. so there is no telling what i would find if i knew how to crack into his emails. He has changed his passwords as of today. I turned up the heat. Well, not me but everyone. He wont talk to anyone. He goes to work and goes directly to her house to hide. What kind of a woman wants a man like that? Especially a woman with 2 little kids. Honestly I feel like he is being the biggest child about this. After last night I havent tried to talk to him. I feel like I am dealing with a coward. It's stupid. He changed both of his email account passwords and left the bank alone.


Oh, I can think of lots of reasons why a single mom would want a married man. In fact many women find committed men intensely attractive because it means "he's a good dad and provider"; he's a proven commodity, so to speak. I know, it's ridiculous but there it is. (And I do not mean to suggest that single moms are so desperate as to steal a guy. That's just what this woman is doing.)

As far as the bank, you better start protecting yourself financially. I mean, is he helping HER out with rent, groceries, utilities, toys, etc.???? That's money that's supposed to go into YOUR children's mouths, savings, college tuition, whatever. Have you talked to a lwyer yet? sorry I might have missed that.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

There is no way is he helping her. Our finances are not even good enough for him to help himself. lol. I was about to go back to work because our daughter is going to be a freshman. He NEVER pays any bills. It has always been me. He receives the same about on his paycheck every single payday. He is just over there hiding. He hasnt touched any money.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

and as far as the cell phone we have sprint


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## AlyssaMariahWilliams (Jul 25, 2012)

Hey there. I read your post and actually started to cry. Only because the same thing happened to me. But , when I caught him, I went psycho on him and got in touch with the woman and told her about me and how he was. apparently he had told everyone that he worked with that he was single. He didn't even wear his ring. I found messages from him to another girl about her. I know what you're going through. Trust me. It hurts. But if you put out there what he did , and let that girl know how he can be, she won't go for it. and everyone will turn, and he will start to realize. That's what I did, and everything worked out for me. I was just so fed up, and honestly I was hardly using my brain. I feel your pain, girl.

-Lyssa.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you created an online acct for the phone or are you looking at paper bills?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ricki said:


> He is a computer I.T. guy. so there is no telling what i would find if i knew how to crack into his emails. He has changed his passwords as of today. I turned up the heat. Well, not me but everyone. He wont talk to anyone. He goes to work and goes directly to her house to hide. What kind of a woman wants a man like that? Especially a woman with 2 little kids. Honestly I feel like he is being the biggest child about this. After last night I havent tried to talk to him. I feel like I am dealing with a coward. It's stupid. He changed both of his email account passwords and left the bank alone.


Coward is absolutely right. Mine has not once talked to me about it or come round and faced me since final discovery of where he was living. He says he won'y have 'emotional discussions' witj me/ Really? After what he did.
Sigh, silly and stupid it is. Make sure you at least contact a good divorce lawyer, serving him papers may also jolt him out of it and at least you know where you'll stand. Most give free conusltations, call the best in town too so he can't use them.


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

the saddest thing about this...is my daughter and i know the people he works with. they know he's married. they know all about us. This is something that is unheard of when it comes to him. Shacking up and bed hopping.. He doesnt believe in any of this. I did find out this chick does something in her spare time called " spoken word poetry" . She goes to these dive bars in houston. As far as my cell phone bill...I was looking online..but, he changed his account passwords today. His best friend from childhood has been begging him to call him...he has drove everywhere looking for my husband and he wont call or do anything. Who does that sort of thing?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Good that his BF is trying to get through.

Now you see why the popular term for inftuation on the forum is 'the fog.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

The longer I sit here and watch him destroy himself I ask myself what kind of a man do I want in my life? To me he isnt acting like a man. I could sit here and say all kinds of crap about him..or this girl..but, honestly its my husbands fault. He says that he struggles to talk to me. Whatever. I was talking to his childhood friend and he said that he goes through these stages. Where he runs and hides. And me personally I dont get it. I truly think that people deserve the truth even if its not what they want to hear. I appreciate the important people in my life. By the way he is acting he for some reason has chosen to only do something for himself. I know this isnt the way my husband has ever acted before and I can't to to reason with this behavior. I am an adult. I do believe in you reap what you sow. After seeing him yesterday and him telling me to change absolutely nothing as far as the house..He is destroying himself. Wanting me to just sit here...keep my mouth shut at his work...and change nothing. I told him the path you are choosing is hard and lonely and if I could stop you I would. But, this is your choice. What happens from here on out...its all because of you...to me you are a weak cowardly cheater...who quit on everything for a fling...you are in a complete cloud...and im not sure if we will be here when you wake up. I said we have too much invested to be acting this way. But, you have to look at yourself in the mirror not me. I did say I will make sure that I give you and your gf as many bumps in the road as possible


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, he needs you as a fallback in case things don't work out with her. And we cross-posted a moment ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

If I knew that someone had dropped everything...or that my phone was blowing up with people looking for me...There is no way I would do that to people. To me that is selfish. All of this is selfish. That isnt who my husband is. That is why everyone is on full alarm that there is a problem. I couldnt treat anyone like that. Good friends are so hard to find. He's lucky to have people that give a crap. He said yesterday..why would you want me? like it was a pitty party..I said right now i'm not sure if i do. but, i do want to finish what i started get some counseling and see if this can be saved. I said you preach to our daughter...if you start something and realize you dont like it...you finish it...regardless...and what are you doing right now? I said you are doing everything that you dont stand for..I feel like he is running in shame...like a baby


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And since you're thinking in this vein, filing for D will sometimes shake someone out of their affair. Have him served at her house, and Texas does make an exception for adultery, otherwise it's no fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ricki sounds like he needs help and fast. If he isn't talking to family and friends for a start. He sounds very very confused possibly through grief, and subsequently isn't acting like himself. This sounds way beyond an 'affair fog'.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Ricki sounds like he needs help and fast. If he isn't talking to family and friends for a start. He sounds very very confused possibly through grief, and subsequently isn't acting like himself. This sounds way beyond an 'affair fog'.


I agree that the grief may be exacerbating it, but this is still infatuation.

See, now she's rescuing him by consoling him in his grief. That is the precise exchange of caring that Dr. Harley discusses in His Needs / Her Needs as creating a powerful infatuation. Not love, because they don't know each other well enough for it to be that.


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## Vizion (Jul 21, 2012)

Ricki, I dont have any advice for you but this breaks my heart and I wish you the best. stay strong girl


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

he isnt talking to anyone...he goes to work...shuts off the phone...and hides..on sprint i activated this family friend finder...he changed the password to sprint...but luckily...i activated it and its seperate from sprint...he literally walks out the door...shuts it off...and disappears...his poor friend has been looking for him everyday at the last address that i had tracked him...just to get to him ...to let him know look...what you are doing is wrong...honestly...i feel like maybe this girl is pregnant...i really have no idea..his friend told me that this is what he does..he hides in shame..but because of everything..the death..the fact he told me he was depressed a year ago...he is set to be laid off from him job on dec 15th, financial troubles...and to top this off...his dad lives in SYRIA... he isnt from there..his mom was from south carolina...and dad lives there...i truly truly think he has cracked...just gone...i saw it yesterday...i said i love you..but if you leave now..everything i do is because i love you..and im trying to help you see through all of this..he said..i cant believe your going to ruin everything for me..he said i know im not doing the right thing...but, my brain just doesnt feel right or something..does that make any sense ?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Here's hoping his friend finds him and talks some sense into him.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Now, some people are selfish about how they handle life, but get this: they STILL don't choose to have an affair as their selfish way of reducing anxiety / stress / depression. They do something else selfish, like spend too much money, or spending time with their (non-sexually attractive) friends, or they become workaholics, bulimics, or they gamble, cut themselves, watch too much porn, or drink, do drugs...the list goes on. And many, if not most, of those people would be _appalled_ at the idea of cheating.
> 
> So you see, we can say it's a midlife crisis. But that doesn't get you anywhere, because it doesn't explain his poor boundaries in marriage.



I had severe depression after a severe family trauma and it ended up with me having an ea at work with a colleague. The ops story sounds similar in some ways to mine. There is the very real possibility that her h is suffering the same. Let me tell you as somebody who was in that position, depression is not an excuse it is a reason. Unless you have been at the bottom of the barrel and can't think straight or reason things in your head it's an awful place to be in and in that state youre weak, vulnerable susceptible to malicious interference by predatory women or men! My wife fought every step of the way for me and she won. I owe her everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

So here's an update on my situation..Today was a crazy day..I decided no to send the letter to his HR because to be honest I love him. And no I dont want to destroy him. But, I did pick up the phone and call some people..I called some people he works with. I called a lady that used to be our neighbor and told her what has happened. She told me that this girl is kinda that way. If you know what I mean. I told her listen I dont want to send this letter. But, please dont keep this quiet. I need it to be out there. I need him to be mad at me. And he's mad. lol. He sent me an email saying that if roxanne or I lose are jobs he will not take care of us. That I brought his personal business to work. He threatened a restraining order because I called his job. So I sat here and cried thinking I had pushed him further away. Then I said...hell no...This girl is dictating all of this. So, before I responded the way I wanted to..I called an attorney. I asked what do I do? We went over several things. He said what do you want. I said I want to save my marriage. He said tell this woman whatever you want. Let her have it in your response to that email. So, I did. My last paragraph was awesome too..Reciting some texas laws and also showing her that we are in for a long ride that I am willing to take for my marriage. I also told her in regards to work..They brought this to their work by using their work email. and then i said your geniuses


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Well done Ricki, 
I got threatened with a restraining order as well - it's just anger as you are telling the truth. They always get mad, it's a common reaction, he will calm down. His little secret is out now, of course he's mad! How dare his wife stop his 'fun'.
Keep us posted, stay strong


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## Ricki (Jul 23, 2012)

where do i find this 180 thing on here? I'm actually going to meet with my attorney on monday..and tomorrow I am going to the doctor. I really dont want to contact my husband anymore until he wants to talk to me. The restraining order is stupid. Whatever happens to him is his choice not mine. They did this. I just wanted this chick to realize that I'm in this for my husband. To me she is pathetic. She will get sick of this I hope. Plus, walking around as a home wrecker at work is hard. knowing people are talking about you. Now they have to be super super careful...lol..I like to think that maybe just maybe I sucked a little bit of fun out of the whole thing. Do ya'll think I put a little water on their fire?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 

16. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

30. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

31. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

32. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yes you have p****d on their parade! Things will not be rosy with them. Good you are seeing an attorney and yes, try the 180 now, too. You have exposed, step 1, you are doing the 180, step 2 and then serve him those papers, step 3 (even if you don't continue it's a good jolt to him). All the right things to do to try and save your marriage, by most accounts. Plus you are doing it in the very early stages, this is great, most people leave it too late. Best of luck with this, you sound like you have a smart head on you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

More power to you Ricki! Hope you saw lordmayhem posted the 180 for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Ricki if you really want to save your marriage keep up the pressure.

Keep up the pressure at work.

Keep up the pressure with his family to help you get him out of the Affair fog.

At the same time meet with the Attorney. Know your rights.

Make sure he keeps paying the bills. 

Also do not forget to take care of your mental and physical health.

And re-assure your daughter that no matter what happens all will be ok in the end.


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