# Doomed From the Start



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

Here's a breakdown of how we got to be married with a child. 

My husband and I were high school classmates. We weren't friends, only cordial. He was in fact friends with my best friend, who 10 years later is still my best friend. 

He would ask her for an introduction, asking if she would hook him and I up, but I always declined. He just wasn't my type.

A few years after high school, we ran into each other and talked briefly about what we were doing with our lives, again he wanted more than a friendship, and I declined.

A year after that point, we connected on Facebook. Again he wanted more that a friendship, but this time I actually took time to get to know him. After looking at how much he changed physically since high school, I was attracted. We lived 600 miles away so we began a long-distance relationship. 

During that time we had a great connection. A bond that was strong even though we were not physically together, and after a few months we made plans that I would move to where he lived after I graduated with my degree, 4 months after that point. Keep in mind that we did not long distance date for long, 3 months maybe, so we were rushing. One day out of the blue he stopped answering my calls and emails. He wouldn't reply to my text or Facebook messages. About a week of me non-stop calling and worrying, he changed his Facebook status to "engaged" to another woman. I was heart-broken. He would not give me an explanation as to how this came about. The last 
thing I knew, we were having a great time and making plans for the future. For him to up and dump me for another woman with no explanation, hurt me.

So I let it go.

It took a few months to get over the hurt but I moved on with my life. Cut off any possible ties with him; blocked him on Facebook, changed my number, deleted any traces of his email or phone number.

Fast-forward two years after this. I moved south and was in a completely different place in my life. I was living at a hotel in a new city, I had a good job, I had a new and amazing relationship with God, and I was overall happy. Though my living conditions were not ideal, I refused to give up and go back home after having a falling out with the family member I was suppose to roommate with did not want me there. I made the best out of my situation, and did not have a stress in the world. My relationship with God was the only thing I needed, and He kept me at peace, assuring me that things would work out fine.

I also had a male friend. Whom started out as just a friend. He was an awesome man I can talk to, who was also rooted in church. I felt like he was a friend I needed because its so easy to get distracted by what the world has to offer, and lose sight of God's path for you, and he helped he stay on track. Over time it turned into a mutual attraction. We never went past that point. I had some issues I needed to deal with, I came from a troubled past looking for love in all the wrong places. My 
father wasn't there, my mother neglected her children to chase boyfriends, I was molested by my brother, and had way too many sex partners than I would like to admit. Sex was my issue. What this time in my life forced me to do was face my issue and deal with it. So there were times that my flesh wanted my friend, but he helped me to realize I'm worth more than what's between my legs. That made me want to be a better person, not for anyone else, but solely for me. It just took someone to show me. That's what attracted me to him.

In the course of turning over a new leaf, I unblocked everyone on Facebook. Not with the intent of re connection, but to let go of any negative feelings for anyone. I was at peace with myself and felt as if I had nothing to hide. Not long after, my ex reached out to me. He explained how he had been looking for me over the past two years (he would give my best friend messages which I would ignore) and how sorry he was for how he acted. He explained that we was told from a mutual friend that I was cheating on him (which wasn't true) which made him leave. I was upset because instead of talking to me first, he ran with it. We rekindled our friendship and of course he wanted a relationship. I had doubts about it, and people around me encouraged me to leave the past in the past. I can admit, my flesh took over cause all I could focus on was sex, and the brief bond we shared over calls, pictures, and emails. So I allowed him to come back into my life, only this time would be different, he 
would come to the state where I lived.

Still a lot of people didn't think this was the best to do, but I did it anyway. Once my male friend found out that I was getting back with my ex, I believe he was hurt, but accepted it. He still wanted to be friends, and even wanted to meet my ex. He never got angry or made me feel like I betrayed him. My ex gets here and the first night, we had sex. It was our first time being in the same space and romantically evolved at the same time. 

Within 7 days, I knew I had made a mistake!

I had the overall feeling that this is not what God had planned for me. I took over and tried to make decisions on my own. I wasn't praying, and I was slipping back into old, bad habits (sex, cursing, etc) At the same time my ex came with more baggage than I was aware of. I knew he had two children with an ex, but I didn't know that he had never met the youngest who was 3 at that point. He drank beer everyday, rarely attended church, had poor hygiene, didn't like to keep a clean house, had an ex-girlfriend calling my phone being disrespectful, was emailing another ex-girlfriend about how their relationship ended badly, and was very insecure. He did not want me to remain friends with my male friend, he felt like everyone loved him and nobody wanted us together. I tried to reassure him that he was the one I choose, and I make my own choices, but it was never good enough.

I was not willing to accept all of his baggage. He is an emotional manipulator. I told him I didn't want to be with him and he threaten to kill himself, he said he took a bottle of pills and would "wait for death" silly me, I fell for it. I would explain my concern about an issue and he would always find a way to twist it and 
make me feel guilty. He would try to make me seem crazy by saying one thing, than later swearing it was never said. I believed he played the victim card a lot, and I always looked like the villain. 

After two weeks, I was done. I missed what I had before, I was convinced that God made it clear that I made a mistake, I was not willing to deal with the drama anymore. In two weeks he came and turned my world upside down, in the worst way, and I was done. We had the conversation, he didn't want to leave, but I explained he didn't have a choice.

THEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!

I was literally on my way to work so I could buy his bus ticket online, and that little voice told me to stop at Rite Aid and get a pregnancy test. Both test were positive....

At this point everything changed for me. It was no longer about me, and I had a child to think about. I didn't want my child to grow up without a father like I did, so I told him about my pregnancy and asked him to stay. I felt like we needed to give this an honest try. I was excited about being a mother ( I love kids) and felt as if I had to make the best out of this bad situation. He had no job, and no family in this new city, so we were forced to keep living together. A few months later he asked 
me to marry him, which I declined. I felt like we were in no shape to marry, and honestly, I didn't want to spend my life with someone like him. I went to visit my family back home and was kinda talked into marrying him. I come from a family of single mothers, so everyone felt that it was the best thing to do for our daughter. 

Still in the mindset that I needed to make the best of this situation, I came back and married him. I felt that this life I never wanted was my punishment for stepping out on my own faith, instead of God's will. From the time he got here, I was never able to get back to that spiritually happy place. I was never able to forgive myself and seek God for forgiveness. I was never able to get back to that place, and I beat myself up about it everyday. That was 2 and a half years ago.

Fast-forward to the present. Our daughter is 2 and amazing. She is the best thing I've ever been blessed with. She is the light that keeps me moving. 
My marriage on the other hand has not changed. The issues of emotional manipulation have not changed, they've gotten worst, taking a serious toll on my emotional health, we argue in front of our daughter, though I've never caught him cheating, he is was too friendly with females. He only makes female friends, and just like in the beginning, I could tell him that it makes me uncomfortable and he's find a way to make me guilty. There I many times where I feel a recorder or third person is needed at our arguments so they could witness how he try to make me out to be crazy. He'd say things and swear to life that they were never said. He'd never take responsibility for his actions, and his issues are always someone else's fault. Trying to talk to him is impossible. He'd twist it and completely miss my point. Anytime 
I would disagree with him, it was a big issue. It could be something minor such as what to make for dinner. Putting on the happy face was completely exhausting. I did not trust him, I had no desire to be married to him, and I felt emotionally abused. He does not respect my feelings and everything has to go his way. He would make himself out to be the worst person in the world, using my guilt against me. He'd also use sex against me. I could never initiate with him, he'd always turn me down, saying my approach is too aggressive. No matter how much I changed, or toned it down, we would only have sex when he wanted to. Coming from a sexual past, that did a big number on my self esteem. Just like with every other issue I have in the marriage, my approach is never good enough. No matter how much I try to tweak it, say it different, write it, hint it, there is no way to get him to understand my point. It will ALWAYS turn to him being a victim.I'm in a marriage that I didn't want to be in to begin with. I got married because I felt like I had to for our child. I've tried over the past three years to forgive myself and try to be happy in the marriage, but the truth is I can't forgive myself because I'm not happy. Everyday I suffer to live in a life that I'm not happy with. To make matters worst, is he knows this! Starting at 4-6 months into our marriage I told him that this isn't what I wanted. He would make nice for a few months, have sex with me, and I'd fall into the trap again. It would only last a few months then I'd be back to feeling the same way, for two reasons. 1) he'd make me feel guilty about wanting to leave him 2) I feel that we will use our daughter against me. He has two sons with an ex, and one of them he has never met to this day. Partially at his fault, and some at hers. I think he feels like I will take our daughter from him (with my past I could never) He makes me feel like I have to stay married for her. He knows that if I had not got pregnant, we would not be together at all. 

At this point I am drained. I've lost myself over the past three years. I'm only 26 and feel as if I've wasted so much time. I've tried asking for counseling, going to church together, praying together to we can get to a healthy space. But he only jumps on the band wagon when I reach my breaking point. I don't believe his actions are sincere. He does these things temporarily to get me back in his good graces then its back to emotional drama. We had this discussion several times since we've been together, and I feel like we need time apart. He refuses to let go. I'm tired of the back and forth, I simply don't want to be with him. I never have. I'm tired of living this lie. He says that I won't be happy with him because I won't let the past go, but he fails to realize is I can't. I've tried. My heart won't let me forgive myself. I love my child more than life, but I don't believe she was brought here to bring us together. Marriage should be two people who want to be together forever, not one person feeling like they have to be marriage for a child. 

I've forgiven my parents, and my brother. I hold on to nothing from my past, expect this. It has a hold on me.

I've learned so much about myself in the last three years, and I thank him for bringing the lessons and our daughter into my life. All I'm asking for is space and time, and he will not give me either.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

SO many people in your shoes. Including myself! Im sorry, but no one changes unless they want to. 

PRAY!!! PRAY ALOT!!! AND GO BACK TO GOD!!! HE WILL GUIDE YOU! YOU KNOW IT. 

The light that you had in your life was lost because you gave it up for him. Bring the light back and let HIM guide you. 

IT is hard, but do it for your stability and your childs stability. GOD is the only MAN we need in our life. 

Don't get me wrong, I am anti-divorce, but I am going through one myself for the exact same reason!! I felt I was reading my story in your (ofcourse details are bit different) but the emotional manipulation is abuse at its worst!!! No bruises to show. But a horrible emotional toll on your mental stability. 

PRAY. 

PM if you ever want to talk. NO ONE HERE CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOU. FIX YOU AND DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER.


----------



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

mishu143 thank you so much for your kind words. So inspiring, and exactly what I needed. 
I needed to know that in spite of how he tries to make me feel, I'm not crazy, my feelings are valid, and confirm what I needed to know. God was there all along, and you're right, I have to seek him. 
Thank you so much!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Deema said:


> mishu143 thank you so much for your kind words. So inspiring, and exactly what I needed.
> I needed to know that in spite of how he tries to make me feel, I'm not crazy, my feelings are valid, and confirm what I needed to know. God was there all along, and you're right, I have to seek him.
> Thank you so much!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im glad you could find peace in my messege. But remember I am human just like you. I will pray for you. 

There are hard days and there a good days. and sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good, but remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we will see it soo enough, when GOD wants us to. 

Sometime I just remind myself that all this is to prep me for a better future. Like I am being trained on how to handle myself better. And to better prepare for whatever life throws at me. 

Take care of your baby girl.... She is the most important thing you have. Forget everything else!! Really. Just the babe. She is our future and how you raise her will make her the adult she will be. GOD will guide you. You know it. I know it. We are both women who felt that light, people may think we are nuts for saying so, but I know exactly the peace you speak of and I spend everyday trying to gain it back. Keep at it. You will get it. 

Read Psalm 23.... Read it over and over again. Right now it helps me realize that through the grief and battles I am going through he will help me through them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you married him to do the right thing. And now you see it wasn't the right thing. Divorce him and devote the rest of your life to your daughter (and SOMEday meeting the right guy); let him stand on his own two feet and stay in his daughter's life...or not. It's not your responsibility to give up your life and happiness to try to force this guy to be a good dad.


----------



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

I agree with you 100%

I've tried to find a way to so without hurting his feelings, but he acts like he will not let go. 

Maybe i'll have to do something different, like just go


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not up to him to 'let go,' if you don't want to be with him.


----------



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> It's not up to him to 'let go,' if you don't want to be with him.


I don't, but as I mentioned above, is an emotional manipulator. I would end up feeling bad or guilty for wanting the leave. It's not fair, but I just have to except that it is what it is and stop putting myself through the emotional stress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Too long.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's an emotional manipulator because, it works. Stop letting it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Deema said:


> I don't, but as I mentioned above, is an emotional manipulator. I would end up feeling bad or guilty for wanting the leave.


So?

Are you going to be an adult who takes control of her life or a child who lets an abuser dictate it?


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Listen to turnera!! She is wise!! and helped me a lot getting over the guilt I felt just like you. The guilt comes from the emotional manipulation!!

DONT ALLOW IT ANYMORE!!! ONCE YOU CUT OFF, it will be VERY HARD and he will PUSH all your buttons and try very hard to make you get back under his control. Onc eyou leave it will be easier to not let it get to you. 

But it is hard, I understand, you just have to be stronger!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thing is, you move out. If he really loves you and wants you in his life, he can THEN learn what it would take on HIS PART to become a man you'd consider being with again. It would then be UP TO HIM to change and be worthy of you. 

NONE of that will EVER happen if you stay there. He has no reason to change if you stay...so he won't.


----------



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

Lol... clearly I'm not a child.

I've realized exactly what I need to do after venting about my situation and realizing that I am not as crazy as I was made to feel by him. 
Venting about how my situation makes me feel does not make me a child, maybe emotionally abused.

I'm setting up a few things to make this possible, bottom line is I decide my fate and I refuse to babysit anyone else's feelings. 

I'm looking forward to the changes coming my way.


----------



## Deema (Apr 25, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Too long.




You can always skip this thread lol.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Deema said:


> Lol... clearly I'm not a child.
> 
> I've realized exactly what I need to do after venting about my situation and realizing that I am not as crazy as I was made to feel by him.
> Venting about how my situation makes me feel does not make me a child, maybe emotionally abused.
> ...


:iagree: I don't think people who have been emotionally abused realized how easy it is to get sucked up and guilted into feeling you are doing the wrong thing by contemplating your choices. Take your time. You are the only one that has to live with them. 

I don't think you are being a child. I went through the same thing. It is a really hard thing to go through. Sometime I wish I had bruises to make it easier to leave, but thank god I didn't and I was still able to see clarity. 

But Deema, like you I dealt with it for a long time, I think that when one gets sucked in for so long, you forget to get out of the fog to see a clear picture of what is really happening. And when you finally do get through that fog it is scary and it is very STRESSFUL. You are not being childish. It is part of the process. Atleast it was for me.


----------



## marumarku (May 1, 2014)

Wow it looks like you are married with an Passive Aggressive person. I am not an expert, but he sounds like one.

I feel related to your story in the part of the relationship with God. I got away from God too. Now that I am going through a hard situation I feel like I need God more than ever, and I want it to stay like that. 

This website said that if you are a Christian, you can divorce a guy if the guy is not Christian...well you can read this:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...ld_a_christian_view_marriage_and_divorce.aspx

This is information about passive aggressive people:

Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men | Every Now and Then

Life with Passive aggressive Personality Disorder

The Passive Aggressive Man: It is All About Control | Divorced Women Online

I wish you the best, and stay strong for your little girl and for yourself. Pray to God, go to church, and get around nice people. 

(((HUGS)))


----------



## marumarku (May 1, 2014)

mishu143 said:


> Im glad you could find peace in my messege. But remember I am human just like you. I will pray for you.
> 
> There are hard days and there a good days. and sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good, but remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we will see it soo enough, when GOD wants us to.
> 
> ...


I really like your comment! Im gonna print it...I feel like you...that God is training me for the future and he has great plans for me. I just need to let him do his work by trusting him.


----------



## marumarku (May 1, 2014)

can you read my post please...I need advice...thanks 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/189594-please-help-feeling-bad.html


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

marumarku said:


> I really like your comment! Im gonna print it...I feel like you...that God is training me for the future and he has great plans for me. I just need to let him do his work by trusting him.


I am truly humbled that you liked my post. Thank you. I hope you find peace in your situation. I am trying everyday.


----------

