# Wife Asking for Seperation Looking for Advice



## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

I am brand new to the forums as of today and this is my first post sorry it is so long but want to paint the full picture. I wish it was on better terms. I have been in a relationship with my wife since 1984, and we were married when in 1989. We have 3 kids, 21 year old daughter, 19 year old son and a 10 year old. My wife and I have had a rough couple of years, losing our house, filing for bankruptcy, and being forced to move in with my Father in a cost saving venture. Since we moved in life has been hell for all involved. The kids seem to be able to cope but my wife and I both have to deal with the stresses of living under another persons roof and under their terms. Up until about a year ago my wife was employed working 20 hours a week at a job. This time she resigned her job because of poor working conditions there (and that much is true, the place was horrible). Needless to say this stressed out finances more. Fast forward to March this year. My wife decided to get back into the job market and took a 40 hours a week job at a former employer. great job, good benefits, sounded great. The weekend before she was to start she decided to go hang out with some of her friends from this place at a bar and have a few drinks to catch up. No big deal. A little back story at this point. Our sex lives has been very cold since we moved in with my Dad and I can understand that I guess. So anyway, she comes home from the bar at 3:00 AM and wakes me up (I was on the couch sleeping) via several texts asking me to come into the bedroom, that she's lonely. She was very amorous and we enjoyed a great night of love making (which is very rare). After working at this new job for only a week, I began to notice her complaints about the job. Its too far to drive, too much gas, too much wear and tear on the car, and by Tuesday of the second week she quit the new job. 

The night of the 25th of march, she went out with these same people from work again, she didn't stay too late and was home around 11:30 PM. My oldest daughter said she was clearly either very buzzed or drunk and she went to bed (I worked night turn I was not home).. Once again in my mind no big deal really. Things began to get weird the week of the 27th of March. She was acting differently and even the kids noticed. It was hard to put a finger on it but her behavior had changed, not in a dangerous or bad way, just different. Tuesday when I got home from work in the morning, I found her getting ready and dressed and I asked her where she was going. She told me to the grocery store to pick up a few things and she would not be long, I asked to go along and she said, no it would be a quick trip and she would be back soon. 2 and a half hours later I get a call from her at the store saying she just walked in because she ran into a friend (named a person that I know is a friend) and that she tied her up for that long. the conversation was pleasant and she said she would be home soon. My senses began to pick up that all was not right. The following day, she texted me in the morning that she has a headache and a sore throat and was going to the Doctors office. I once again said I would go along and she said, no that’s OK It's just a sore throat and she wasn't sure when she would go. I woke up around Noon and asked her how the appointment went and she said she had waited there a long time and it was busy so she left and she was on her way to my sons school to pick him up. I won't go into detail but the time line she gave me based on the doctors office and the school and back home did not add up. Something was going on for sure. This prompted me to do some intelligence gathering, dishonest perhaps but hind sight is 20/20 and it proved worth it in the end. That night I purchased a car GPS tracking device and placed it in the car. I also began to check her e-mails as she leaves this logged in all the time. I found a message from a male worker at the job she quit implying that he had been at the last outing at the bar and apparently made a pass at her or worse, I am unsure. Her return comment was to the effect that its OK we were drunk and you are harmless. My natural suspicion was that this guy had the hots for her and was sort of given an OK to keep it up by her blowing this off as two people being drunk. 

The following day, when I was heading to bed in the morning ater work she informed me that she was "going out for a while" which I calmly said OK to. I heard her converse with my older daughter who asked where she was going only to be rebuffed with a "It's none of your business" type answer. She left the house in the car with the tracker. I calmly went to our computer and logged on and tracked the car to a local hiking trail parking lot about a mile and a half from the house where it parked and stayed there. I was in panic mode. I pulled my daughter aside and asked her "Is anything going on with you Mom that I should know about". She said no and asked what was going on. I tried to shield her from the truth of what I thought but she insisted on knowing. So I told her. She became upset and I tried to tell her we had no idea what was going on yet and to calm down. The car stayed there for a half hour. I decided to do a drive by of the car to see what was up. the car was there with no one in it. I came back home and my daughter became more concerned. eventually she said she was going down to confront her and find out what was going on.

She arrived an pulled in and there my wife was sitting in a SUV with another man. This truck was there before, I just was not aware of it. My daughter went nuts calling her a **** and worse. it was a bad seen. My wife stated they were just talking and that it wasn't what it looked like. My daughter came home hysterical. my wife called and said she wanted to talk to me when she got home. I came outside to talk to her and we had a long emotionally charged conversation. She claims that she has been unhappy for years and that she has wanted to leave me several time only to be stopped by me in the past. These episodes at the time were perceived by me as her just wanting to go to her Moms for a night to cool down. I never had any clue she was talking truly leaving the marriage. This guy in the SUV was a local township police officer that she had become friends with do to mutual activated with our kids. She said he was divorced and giving her advice on things (what kind of advice I will never know). She mentioned needing her own space and that she had lost herself along the way and needed time to find herself again. this was all very alien to me. Our conversation was cut short as my youngest one needed picked up. She stated that nothing should be revealed to her until later and we needed to keep up appearances. It was very difficult to do this knowing what was going on but I agreed. 

The following day was this last Friday and once again she stated that a member of her little friend group was having a birthday and she ask if she was allowed to go. I said you’re an adult, you don't need to ask me, so she left telling my youngest and myself that she wouldn't be long and to save her a plate of dinner. the tracker followed her to the bar in question. Good. I didn't like it considering the events but what could I do. 6 hours later around midnight she left the bar and headed for home. I thought, Ok she was out later than she said but no big deal. that is until instead of making a left at the highway exit to come home, she turned right into the office park complex. The tracker showed her pull into a back parking lot. My oldest daughter once again became very upset. the car sat for 15 minutes or so until my daughter once again said she was driving down to confront her again. once again a bad seen as it was the same cop, now on duty in a marked patrol vehicle with her in the front seat with him. yelling and fighting ensued. The officer made some comment about "not wanting the kids to get hurt" and left. My daughter and wife were down there for an hour and a half. During this time, I texted this officer as I had his mobile number from her phone after the first incident. I asked him man to man to call me and to let me know what was going on and that I wanted what was best for my wife.

He called me back and I asked him what the deal was in a very calm and cool way. he said nothing physical was going on and that they were just talking. She wanted information about how his divorce went and was intrigued by the fact that he and his ex are best friends now after their divorce. It was a very awkward conversation. I asked him what their intentions were, if this was the start of a relationship. His reply was honest and a bit shocking to me. he stated that "Karen is a wonderful women. I would never do anything to break up your marriage or date her while you are married, but if you were divorce I would consider asking her out on a date". So at least the guy was man enough to say he had an interest in her. He did say that he would not speak for her and did not know her thoughts on this. I told him that I had to accept my wife's word that indeed nothing physical was going on but that the situation still sucked and look very bad for a married women to be found not once but twice in a vehicle with him sneaking around. I also now have no doubt about the fake doctor appointment was a ploy to meet him as well. he did state that they has seen each other over the past three days which would conform this as well. I did not demand him to not speak to her as this was pointless I felt, I just asked that they not sneak around and upset my daughter anymore, and I stated that I loved my wife and wanted to save the marriage. 

She came home after this and I of course wanted to talk. She wanted to wait until the next day but in my confused state I needed answers. It was huge blow out, her very angry and repeating the all that she needed space and that she as going to leave as soon as she got a job and a place. She didn't want a divorce just time to sort things out. I was very emotional and expressed my remorse over her grievances. She was right on many of them. nothing much was settled that night other than she was upset and was leaving, that I had let her down too many times and she was done trying. 

Saturday we exchanged e-mails that basically said much of the same thing. She acknowledges that some of the fault lies with her but that she can't undo the damage that was done. And she needed time and a place of her own. She stated she didn't want me completely out of her life and would still be there for me whenever she could (whatever that means). I have backed off since this letter was received to give her space and tensions have seemed to die down.

A few questions or comments.

1) I find the whole sequence of events from the night of love making early in the month to getting the job to quitting the job to taking with this cop along with all these bar nights with friends to be very odd. Does this pattern make sense to anyone? Has anyone seen this before? How did that turn out?

2) I find it odd that she would blow off the advances of another man at the bar (although she sounds like she was not interested) when before she would have told this guy off then and there and never talked to him again.

3) I feel something had to trigger this behavior. Still wondering what sent her to run n to this cop behind my back, not once, not twice but three times. I have no doubt that they are now playing it cool until things calm down and that they are texting or talking on the phone now.

4) I find it very odd that she would need to speak, in person, for 3 days, at several hours a clip, to this cop. How about a phone? This strikes me as odd and concerning. Not saying anything is going on but it smells funny. I want to take her word but knowing that this guy was an interest in her is disturbing and I am sure will tilt any advice he is giving her. Of particular interest is the fact that she promised my daughter that she would not sneak around with this guy, only to be busted the very next night doing the same thing.

5) I have made the mental connection that she is going to leave and needs time to heal, however she is very reluctant to discuss the timeline of all this. My understanding of separations is that rules need to be set that both parties can agree to. I get he feeling she wants an open ended separation with no end in site.

6) She has always been bad with money. I have the bad feeling that her moving out on her own will be very difficult on her and my 10 year old. She doesn't realize the amount of work I did for the family, seems to discount it, but she will be flying solo. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing for me wanting to save the marriage. My fear is she want to live the single life for a while yet is going to expect me to pick up the extra bills she can't afford. That hardly seems fair to me and will not be a true separation.

7) Why would she quit a perfect job for her if she needs a job to move out on her own? Very odd to me.


Feel free to comment with advice and/or questions.


Dean


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

Deaner, sorry to welcome you to this site in your condition.
I'm a newbie here... was divorded from 1st wife after an Emotional Affiair (EA) which turned physical (PA). It sure sounds like your wife is having an EA with the other man (OM). It starts with a shoulder to cry on, then commiserate about how bad the marriage is. This makes your item 2. make sense; didn't want a random guy.
There are threads here (sorry, don't know how o post a link) about the 180 and Plan A. Those present you as a positive alternative to the OM. Getting into counselling (MC) is a good idea if she will agree. IF the disloyal spouse (DS) agrees to work in marriage, she will have to go No Contact (NC) with the OM, and open up to transparency of her phone. The situation also sounds like the
"walk away wife" (google it) where a problem has built up over a long time, and now is her action plan, long brewing.
I didn't know any of this when my ex started the EA, sure wish I had. Now I work at making sure my 2nd marriage never has such a problem. This site helps.
----
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

OK an update as of this morning. I came home from work and made a big mistake and may have blown it. 

She texts me and asks "May I go for a walk", to which I replied "you don't need to ask." I should have left that alone. Instead then I add, if your going to see Justin (the cops name) just let me know. To which of course she had a very violent reaction telling me "whatever I need to get the F out of this house", then of course my oldest daughter arrived at the same time (I was not home) and basically asked her the same thing, "Are you going to see Justin today". Much fighting and drama. Not what i wanted and yes I know I am supposed to be letting her have her freedom, it's just very frustrating to see this happen.

Not sure if I should make a stand that this is unacceptable or if I should say it's all over. just getting a bad feeling. Mind is playing tricks on me.not sure of my next move. The problem is, she is not financially ready to move out on her own (she doesn't have a job), and every day that she stays here makes her worse as far as feeling trapped.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Question to all of you and be firm but fair. Do I throw down the gauntlet and demand this EA stop. She of course is in full blow denial that it is anything of the sorts. I fear that if I place my foot down she will just throw in the towel and Divorce me, not the outcome I want. Seriously want to save this marriage.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Deaner said:


> OK an update as of this morning. I came home from work and made a big mistake and may have blown it.
> 
> She texts me and asks "May I go for a walk", to which I replied "you don't need to ask." I should have left that alone. Instead then I add, if your going to see Justin (the cops name) just let me know. To which of course she had a very violent reaction telling me "whatever I need to get the F out of this house", then of course my oldest daughter arrived at the same time (I was not home) and basically asked her the same thing, "Are you going to see Justin today". Much fighting and drama. Not what i wanted and yes I know I am supposed to be letting her have her freedom, it's just very frustrating to see this happen.
> 
> Not sure if I should make a stand that this is unacceptable or if I should say it's all over. just getting a bad feeling. Mind is playing tricks on me.not sure of my next move. The problem is, she is not financially ready to move out on her own (she doesn't have a job), and every day that she stays here makes her worse as far as feeling trapped.


You have ever right to request she respect the marriage if she chooses not to you have every right to request she leave immediately. No job - no finances - no apartment - too bad. You can't make her do anything but you can set your boundaries of what you'll tolerate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Throw her out !!!!!!!!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You should insist on no contact with the OM. That's mandatory. Otherwise you may want to help her pack her bags.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want to share your wife with this EA b/c you are afraid to put your foot down is up to you it, I can see how your scared of the out come.
I for one don't like sharing b/c EA's are the gate way to PA. The the out come of your marraige will be the same as if you *did* put your foot down now, it just takes longer for you to get fed up with the affair.

Basicly put your foot down now or later soon you will be putting your foot down one way or another, its up to you...now or later.

In my experience I put my foot down later and found solice in my work. My cheating wife just went from one guy to the next for years. See this kind of thing will snow ball on you, if you don't address it now. She will soon get fed up with the cop and then find someone else, hell you'l have so much resentment built up and you will continue to bury your self with something that will satisfy you, and the cicle will continue...for years. maybe if your lucky they will fall in love with each other and leave you and give you a chance to move on. See my wife stuck around... why in the hell should she leave she getts her bottoys and has the secerity and stability of a husband.

Well enough about me, I strongly suggest you put your foot down now sooner then later f*ck the out come and man up. Not doing so will only bring you more grief in the future. It did for me man I should have put my foot down 14 years ago, maybe it would have only been one man instead of 20.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

Since the last incident of her going to a walk with this guy, I have no indication of any actual contact with the guy, although I am quite sure that they call each other and text each other all of the time. I figure they are laying low until the heat cools down. I will also be interested in seeing what her plans will be for this weekend as the weather will be nice. 

Today I got home from work and things went well. My wife and my 21 year old daughter went for a day of shopping for Easter gifts so I felt secure that at least she was going to have someone with her. About 10 mins. after they left the house, my phone rings. It's my wife. She sounds very happy and we talk pleasantly for about 10+mins. about my youngest softball team and things related to that. We end the call with neither of saying I Love you and that's it, still I felt a sense of normalcy that I needed. 

My hopes were dashed later in the day when my daughter tells me that they stopped by a town home community to see them. Clearly she is still on target to leave. 

Having a lot of trouble sleeping and dealing with all this. Not sure how to act in front of her. Always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing now. Nothing has been clearly explained, no dates set for her leaving, no end in site for any of this especially the pain I am going trough. It is hard to put on a happy face for everyone (including my wife).

I read about the plan 180 and that seems so hard to do at this point. It has not even been a week since I had the bomb dropped on me.

Sorry to sound so whinny but this is so hurtful and just need some help with ideas here. I want to save this relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deaner said:


> Question to all of you and be firm but fair. Do I throw down the gauntlet and demand this EA stop.



Absolutely. If the affair continues you have ZERO chance of recovering your marriage. Fact.


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## Deaner (Apr 4, 2011)

OK guys, as we speak she has left to go walk on the trail again with the cop ( I was sleeping when she left). She is lying by omission because she just said that she was going for a walk to "get in shape" according to my eldest daughter (who is now all upset again). At this point she has seen him in person 5 out of the last 8 days that I am aware of and for multiple hours at a time.

I plan on dropping the gauntlet on Friday. i will have more evidence collected by then as to the phone log from the cell phone company to show how often they speak, can't really do anything about texts.

I have convinced the oldest daughter that she needs be confronted ala an intervention for a drug addict. My 19 year old son will be brought up to speed today so he can render an opinion as well. A line must be drawn. I am steeling myself to the fact that she is going to leave. She will not handle an ultimatum well and will leave. But I want this to happen as if I am still working on things or trying and she is bailing on us.Called an attorney this morning for a phone consultation and expect a call back today. 

I am bad at speaking (part of my issue overall). I need some examples of non vulgar, focused statements I can fire at her to make her either end this or move out pending a divorce. 

Time is ticking guys, help me out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do not reveal your sources re: her affair. Do not tell her you have contacted an attorey. Just tell her you are aware and something like this: "Wife, I am aware that you are having an inapproproriate relationship with Cop Man and I refuse to live in an open marriage. If you do not end all contact with him and sever ties, I will take appropriate action including up to and filing for divorce."

Then you have to MEAN it. 

If she leaves, then let her go. This is about getting your self-respect back and letting her know you won't tolerate being a third wheel in your own marriage. If he's married, you tell his wife/girlfriend TODAY.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Simply state the facts
1. you wont share her
2.you will move on
3. you will not control her

don't tell her about the lawyer until papers are drawn...you can always retract them.

Remember you are not being controlling it is her choice. You are just stating that you and only you can control what makes you happy. If she joins you great but you diserve to be happy and that is something you can control.

Of coures it will make make you happy if she does the NC and she chooses her marraige and the promises she made years ago infront of others, but you have to protect your self from the possibility of her "relationship" from getting phsyical (whitch it will if not already).
So you will move on before she comes to you with "I didn't mean it to happen". So you will break it off with her before this happens.

She is fogged in so you will need to repeat your self.

So what you want to say is you are not controlling her and you are protecting your feeling. *BOUNDRIES*


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I am in a similar situation she told meno to trial sep yesterday told her I want the phone records, she said she would get them for her friends told her its either with me or through legal. I want to know I have a good relationship with her family do if it is true do I expose it to everyone?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Always expose the affair, and do it with proof. First of all you want to make it as inconvenient and uncomfortable as possible. This will strain the affair. The point is to acheive no contact between the two of them. Until the affair is split up there is no chance for the marraige. The influence of the OP must be terminated.

Eposing the affair also brings it to the light of day. This takes away the exciting taboo and the thrill of secrecy of it all, there by putting another strain on the affair.

Exposing the affair puts pressure on the affair no only by you but by others as well, like parents, sibling, friends, employers, and pastors. If both parties in the affair are exposed it doubles the pressure, especially if the OP is married w/kids.

Exposing the affair with evidence also prevent the DS from rewriting history and making you out to be the bad guy in why the marraige fell apart.

To be clear the exposure of the affair has nothing to do with the courts or the devorce..they could care a less. The point is to make the affair as uncomfortable to continue there by (hopeful) disolving the relationship.

I my case when I showed my wife the evidence it shed a bright light on the shameful and humiliting behavior she had and made her reexamine her dicisions and looking/reading the reality of what she was doing under the cover of darkness made the guilt and embarrasment. a reality...something she couldn't block out of her mind when she solbered up.

She aggreed to NC and has recommited with out reservation to give her self back to me. So the exposer was limited to our adult daughter (who drew the last red flag in her affair) the MC and close friends.

I still have the evidence and will us it if she ever screws up again.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

thanks guy, and need a like a button for that post. Guess once I get said evidence willbe the hardest part of my journey telling her dad, who is the one man I respect and look up to, now to find a way of telling him without upsetting him.


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