# I'm new...



## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

Hi everyone

I'm 30 years old, i've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8 (at the end of this month).

We've been on a rollercoaster over the past 12 years. I have always been a faithful, committed and very caring, loving, honest person however in 2007 i had an affair due to the state of my marriage at that time. It was very out of character and something i am not proud of and would never repeat.

Basically our relationship became very one sided. I am married to a chef who works very long hours and in a nutshell his job came first and i was pushed out. No contact unless i called or text him, days off together were becoming far and few between, he became addicted to online poker, which although financially it was under control he used his spare time to partake, leaving less time with me. I spoke to my husband about it all, begged him to pay more attention to our marriage... however nothing changed! I was a married woman leading the life of a single woman!

Someone paid me the right attention at the right time, telling me everything i wanted to hear - that's how it begun! I do feel it that we both had a part to play in my affair, i struggle to know that i became a person i vowed i never would, however i know that i would never have done such a thing if my husband had acknowledged my existence.

I had depression.... but, he forgave me, i forgave him, i got better and we went from strength to strength. We have a beautiful 2 year old and i have a husband who has never thrown my affair in my face!! He is a good man, i am lucky however he's a bit rubbish at being attentive sometimes!!

I have to accept the hours he works, i know that but i do find it hard as i miss him. I also miss the person i used to be - fun, not taking things too seriously, not nagging and snapping over silly things... I know having a baby, being tired (and intimacy is far less due to this), few financial strains.. can all take its toll but i want 'me' back and i think that will make things a little better in our marriage. We are bickering with each other way too much and it's getting us both down. I feel the fun has been zapped and i know i am equally to blame.

I've decided that i am going back to my old self again and see how that affects us. No nagging, i will pick my battles (not nag over a dish :-/ ), flirt more, reserve more time for intimacy, not moan about him watching football, not moan about myself and dieting (more confidence in myself around him)... If over the next few weeks i start bringing out the best in him again and i feel better then i know i need to make sure i get myself back full time in order for us to work properly and for me to feel good. 

I hope to gain something from this forum, as much as my husband and i love each other and our daughter, things aren't as right as they should be.

Thanks for listening, any comments or advice gratefully received.


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## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. How weird, i have just noticed your quote and that is my favourite quote also!!! It's on my facebook page!! 

It's always reassuring to hear from people that have been in a similar position. I do meet my hubby for lunch when i'm off as i work part time now which makes it easier! I am starting to resent the relationship for the person i have become but i know that it's me really and need to get myself back. It's easy to lose your identity when you become a mum as you are constantly being a responsible well behaved parent in front of your child... 

I guess i have got into a rut but having been on a downward spiral in the past i refuse to let myself go there again. It's funny, i see wives/gf giving their partners a hard time and i think 'geez, leave the poor bloke alone', but i am becoming one of those girls and it's time to stop!!!

Thanks again


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Focus on personal growth, continue boosting up the marriage...and it will all work out. 

Go back to school toward a career for yourself!


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## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

Just wanted to say that although it's early days things are going well. I have been flirting with hubby, we have been more intimate and i have bitten my tongue over silly things that before i would have nagged about. I feel better and hubby is being more loving too.

Instead of being emotionally needy and insecure i have been the opposite - all of which have had a positive affect on our marriage!! 

We'll see what the next few days bring but so far so good


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Good for you. I have also been working on letting the little things go and choosing my battles. (I let bitterness fester so every small thing became a mountain to me really hurt us that I would do that)

I think you are on the right path and as someone else already said work on you and things for your self. (I have trouble there too) 

Just gives me hope to see someone else working in the right dirrection.


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## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you Kuriosity. It's been a week now and things are really going well. We haven't bickered or argued in over a week, which is great as we were bickering regularly, and usually over very stupid things.

I've had to bite my tongue over stupid things several times but when the moment passes i realise i did the right thing and feel really good! I can't believe i let a dirty plate or contact lense packets on the sink annoy me, especially as he's actually pretty good around the house.

He's been more loving, as have i, we've laughed and joked and have been really good together again. I have made myself less 'do you love me' and accepted that if he begged me to come home after my affair the chances are he really does love me and i need to stop feeling so insecure. How whiney and annoying it must be to keep being asked that question... ick :-/

The whole thing has so far had a postive affect on me as well as our marriage, i feel less negative, cross, snipey... and i genuinely feel happier.

The other day he took something i said the wrong way. I asked if he was nearly ready so he could come and watch our daughter whilst i got on with some housework. He snapped and told me he was showering! When he came downstairs i explained i was just checking to see how long he would be that was all. He apologised as he thought i was being sarcastic/nagging him, which usually i would be, so i understand why he felt that way. As a result of that there were no 2 hour silences or stomping around the house and we ended up having a lovely day.

I really hope that miserable old lemon faced woman is behind me now, not sure who she was but i really didn't like her!!! Onwards and upwards i hope....


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

Your plan seems solid. Three book recommendations to help enrich your marriage:

Getting the Love You Want
His Needs, Her Needs
The Five Love Languages


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

Spock, of course, is being logical (sorry, couldn't resist!)

Add to the list anything by Allan and Barbara Pease. Great info on how our gender differences can cause chaos, but frequently hilarious. Allan is a body language expert from Australia and books should be available through Amazon.

You will both (when he has time!) enjoy them!

My wife and I both have "OMG, that's you/me" moments when reading Peases' books, but gently and humorously.:smthumbup:


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## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

*Re: I'm new... Ongoing improvements after 12yrs*

I will look into those books, thank you.

Things are going from strength to strength. We celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on Tuesday, after some wine i told him what was going on with my 'going back to my old self' and what i was doing to change. He said how lovely things had been, how he'd noticed i was happier and how we hadn't argued for 2 weeks!! I did remind him that it was not an invitation to leave dirty crockery out and i will revert back to my old ways if i feel he is taking the p**s!! :rofl: He laughed!!

We have been more intimate, he holds my hand again, he pinches my bum as he walks past me, nice phones calls and texts again... it's all going very well. 

Biting my tongue is getting easier :smthumbup: If i have to repeat something i have already told him i say it through gritted teeth with a smile, ending in 'ok darling', which is sarcastically pointing out that i'm holding back from getting cross!! He finds it very amusing


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

the book "boundries" by Dr. Cloud. It is a book I HIGHLY recommend. It made me change my whole way of handling things, and we are all happy as a result~


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## Nala2012 (Jan 21, 2012)

Ok, so this past week has had ups and downs. Hubby has not been pulling his weight and has been snapping at me! 

I pulled him up on it all, basically telling him that when i moaned and nagged him things didn't slide at home, therefore if he wants me to go back to that to ensure his bits get done then i would! It's not easy for me to change so dramatically, so quickly, and with him being like this is making it harder! It's 50/50 and he has to meet me half way! 

Too be honest it made me feel a little better. Before i thought it was all me but this has made me realise it was both of us!

He did apologise - eventually, realising he has been taking advantage of my more laid back nature.

See - there are reasons for nagging and moaning. If you guys did your bit we wouldn't bloomin have to would we!!! haha.

Luckily we've nipped it in the bud but it just goes to show it's not always one sided!!


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## Keren49 (Feb 14, 2012)

Im new here.. I hope Im welcome..


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