# Its tuff not knowing what to do.



## Cory100 (Jan 21, 2012)

For many years nows my wife and mother have not seen eye to eye. First off I would point out that they dont have to and this is fine, but when it tears at my relationship with both of them its hard. Not to mention my wife's side of the family and I really dont get along. My wife and I really are different people which is great and in some cases can be great for relationship. I am not great with word and really am best through speaking but I would say that all of these things have been going on for years, 4 to be exact. My main thing is I am not happy with this life I have with her. I keep thinking that there is someone else out there. I am just worried what life will be like after this marriage. i came here to this site to get some advice on what to do. Overall my wife hates my family and it hurts on my end when I put alot of effort to be kind to theres. Over Christmas she told them how much she does hate them right infront of there face after opening presents. its tuff. Please help.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your family do something to your wife? What is her problem with them?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had those thoughts with someone once. It was my cue to get out of that relationship. (long term and a child).

Seeing that you're married, what do you want from your marriage? What would makes things right by you?


----------



## Cory100 (Jan 21, 2012)

My mom is a very outgoing person. My wife feels she is a person that lies and makes people feel bad about themselves as she say or in better words manipulative. The fact is every little thing my mom does such as the way she talks the way she acts everything she does she says she hates. I think its crazy. I thank you guys for helping get this out as there have been alot of things that have led up to now and your asking good questions to help get this all out. I want a women who no matter my faults loves me and shows it through help rather than treating me like a child all the time which is what it feels like with the women i am with now. Everything I do she tells me its the wrong way or to do it this way. My parents pointed this out that she does this thing and its true. I dont feel really attracted to my wife any more and I want a woman who will love me for me and not try to do what the current woman in my life says " I need to raise you because your parents didn't do there job" To be Honest I really want a girl i can be with that I dont want to leave her side or let her hand go from mine. A girl I do everything with and even when times are hard we still can be happy. Maybe i am dreaming but I want to be happy with someone.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like your wife is an unhappy person. Has she always been this way? Could she be seriously depressed?

Have you told her that you do not like it when she puts you down?

The only person you can change is yourself. Unless your wife agrees to get counseling and/or gets medical help for depression (if she has depression) she will not change. 

So now you need to decide if you can live with her the way she is. 

You can make boundaries. For example you can tell her that you will not accept her mistreating your family. If she is going to insult and mistreat them you will not take her to visit them any more. And if she starts to bad mouth them in front of you will just walk away from her.

When she puts you down... tell her 'stop it' and walk away. Do not argue, do not try to defend yourself. Just walk away. 

Those are just a few ideas.

Or if you do not want to stay in your marriage, file for divorce.


----------



## Cory100 (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you EleGirl for your words. My wife and I are high school sweethearts but after 4 years of marriage I am wandering if its time to end it. Your right that the only person that can change is yourself. I couldn't agree more. The way I feel is that I should be eager to help her, to give and give in any way possible as a husband should to a wife. I think I stay with her because I am afraid of what to do after divorce. Going back to dating... going back to single life. Any way these are some more thoughts that are in my mind. I am a self employed person. Maybe this means I am very selfish and focused on what I do. Maybe its with me but I still know I am not happy. Funny enough I am in the wedding business. Stange right... As far as the parents goes they will not help or talk to my wife anymore, and I cant stand it that my wife does not like or support them as I do theres.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well wedding are big parties.. it’s the marriage that comes after the big party that is the issue…. 

I, like you, think that a person should do everything possible to help their spouse be the best person they can be. But there is also a time to realize that you have done all you can do. There is a time to move on.

You did not answer my question on if she has ways been unhappy? If not, when did she change? What was going on at that time? 

What have you done to help her to date? Have you taken her to counseling? Have you encouraged her to see a doctor about depression, other mental health issue?


----------



## Cory100 (Jan 21, 2012)

Sorry I missed the question , She is unhappy, depression runs in her family. Her mother has shock treatment and other things to help her with it. I have asked her about counseling but she feels like it wont help anything or she just says it costs to much. We have not talked about her depression much at all. When we have she just pushes it off and get defensive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If depression and serious mental illness runs in her family having children with her might not be very wise.

My husband has some issues with ADD and now depression. I finally told him that he is destroying our marriage. So he is either a very mean/self-centered person or he has a serious problem and needs help. He either had to seek help or leave. 

I made an appointment for him. He went. We both talked to the pshyciatrist. He's been on meds for a while and is doing better. I still am not sure if it's enough better. But I am giving him some more time.

You have to decide what you are willing to deal with. Mental illness is a hard one.. very hard.


----------

