# Is it normal to feel this way



## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi everyone! I'm new to this site and really enjoy reading everyone's post- there is alot of great people on this site! Glad I found it.

Ok, so here's my story. I was married for 14 years, I have two stepkids (ex was married before) that are 21 and 19. We have one daughter together who is now 13. When we were first married, I begged my husband for attention, holding hands, romance, sweet words, cards, appreciation, etc. Didn't happen. My husband was a very negative, judgemental person. We didn't have alot of friends to hang out with because he didn't like anyone. For awhile I was a homebody but became very social when my daughter was in elementary school and I got involved with PTO, coaching soccer and softball. I made alot of great friends and got to know many people. BUt my husband hated it, said I never had time for him and didn't show him any attention (hmmm funny isn't it). About 5 years ago things got really bad, I drank alot so I didn't have to deal with him or our problems. Well he took advantage of me several times, I was literally passed out and he decided that he was gonna get sex. I literally felt used the next day but he told me that it was a wife's duty to please her husband. From that point on, our relationship took a dive. I literally pushed him away, didn't want him around me or to touch me. I focused everything on my daughter. I cannot even count how many times we said we were going to get a divorce but always worked it out. This past year we separated (Oct 2012), we did counseling (individual and together), but it was just too late, the marriage was over. We separated in May 2013 and for the most part it was amicable. 

I bought a house where my daughter and I live (my daughter doesn't like to go to her dads often). Everything was on the right track but then I started losing friends because I finally decided that I was going to stick up for myself and because some were hanging out with my ex at bars, while I chose to stay home and take care of my child. I have a very low self-esteem after spending years being degraded and put down by my ex. I worry what other people think of me and am not confident in myself.

My problem is, I started seeing someone, he's a great guy, we hit it off right away, he was everything I wanted. Very romantic with flowers, sweet text messages, very affection and giving. I never thought I would want another man to touch me again after my ex, but this man gave me that desire back and the sex was fabulous. But things have gotten rocky and I'm not sure what to do. 

The romance is few and far between, the text messages have ceased, the sex is now just sex and not as often (although it's hard because he lives an hour away and we don't see each other alot). Is it wrong for me to want more? I don't expect it 24/7 but it seems he no longer wants to work towards our relationship. I don't want to be in a rut relationship ever again, I want to be pampered, loved, and cherished and I'm the type of person that gives it right back! When I love, I love with everything I got and am willing to pamper, love and cherish the person i'm with. Is it wrong to expect it in return?


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

No I am divorced and have been


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

No-it isn't wrong for you to want more. Reread your last paragraph: if this was a friend of yours asking you this question, what would you tell her? You have answered your own question.

Have a chat with him. If things don't improve, there are so many other good men out there who will treat you well and cherish you. You may be hesitant to give this relationship up, but I think it might be because he is your first after your divorce and it was really good in the beginning. Be good to yourself~


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

*Never settle*, R72. This should be your new mantra. If you've been out of the dating scene for a while, you will probably be in for a surprise. Unfortunately, there are people out there who have what seems to be a type of radar that hones in on someone who is hurting. 

Take some time before you get into another relationship, and get to know yourself. You have been hurt, you feel rejected. It takes time to heal from those things. If you've been in an abusive relationship (even emotionally abusive), you might really benefit from IC, or maybe a support group for women coming out of abusive relationships where you can talk with others who will understand and help you heal. I go to one at my local YWCA. 

Take this time to work on that self-esteem first, so that you are OK with yourself with or without a man. That's absolutely essential before you try another relationship. It will help you recognize whether or not a particular man is really healthy for you, or just able to read signals you are giving off and saying and doing things so that he can get what he wants. You don't need another bad relationship!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

At this time you are a single woman who gets to make your own choices, if the relationship isn't what you are looking for just end it and move on. Just because he is a great guy (or was) doesn't mean you are a good match long term, that's what dating is all about.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You are doing all the right things and of course it's not wrong to want a caring, loving and respectful relationship. Don't worry about the failed relationship, after a rape (or two or three) it's no surprise that the relationship would end in divorce. Why would anyone want to stay married to someone who commits that kind of crime? And then justifies it by framing it in a way that makes you look in the wrong, if he was really entitled to sex he could have got it the normal way - by being in a mutually responsible and caring relationship, not waiting for someone to be drunk and unable to speak for themselves! But people, men and women both, are human and it's possible you are triggering off of normal variation of behavior in your new man. You have to advocate for what you want, and sure it's not the same when you have to ask for it, but you could maybe just tell the guy how much it means to you, and how wild/excited/sensual/wanted it makes you feel when he shows you those little affections in different ways, and that you want to keep all aspects of your relationship especially the physical one, exciting. This lets him know what he needs to do to turn you on, it's really no different than telling your partner where you like to be touched during lovemaking. If he doesn't listen to you and fails to understand then yah, maybe time to move on. No sense staying with a guy who isn't going to be working 50-50 on a mutually satisfying relationship during the first year out? Find someone who is more on the same wavelength and is willing to listen. On the other hand, I wouldn't expect the same level of attention after the first couple months, that kind of effort is really difficult to keep up with. Just like I wouldn't want to have to do my hair, pretty up, dress super attractively all the time, shave even when I don't really have time, etc. People need time to just be slovenly a bit, in physical terms and in emotional terms, having time off from all demands and just having down time from all the social human stuff that's imposed upon us in our modern world. One person is not really capable of fulfilling every single emotional need, it's just unrealistic. Probably you have to prioritize and figure out over time just where you want to draw the line and set your standard.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Thank you Homemaker_Numero_Uno!!! 

Wow you made me really think and it all makes sense!! I feel much better!!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

72, sounds like the new guy played you and once he got what he wanted was like "meh". Unfortunately it's fairly common, there are a lot of players out there that target single mom's for some new nook.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not wrong to want a reciprocal relationship.

Cut this guy loose if he's not making an effort.


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