# Kill him with kindness....



## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

How can I avoid the "deep" talks, support my husband while he goes through this, work on my self, and kill him with kindness WITHOUT losing my mind???

Background info.....about a month ago H came to me and said that he was unhappy, had been for awhile, just never thought to tell me. Basically, he says he has no feelings for me. He hasn't left yet. But I think he has one foot out the door. We're both seeing counselors but it is unclear if he actually wants to work this out. He's not sleeping in the same room. He's pretty emotionally closed off now. We had been doing lots of deep talks, but stopped about a week ago while we went on vacation together.

We got home last night, and it seems like we just fell right back into the awkwardness. I'd like to kill him with kindness, maybe play into his love language, but can't get over the fact that I'd really just rather call him a ********* and beat him with a dead fish.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have no advice for you. My H did the same thing in Dec on the 30th. Out of the blue told me he was done. I have done nothing besides kiss his ass and he won't come around. I actually asked him last night to move out cause I can't live like this no more. He said this is my home I'm not leaving. Well it is my home too and I'm not leaving. So he can fix this or I guess we will be living like this for the rest of our lives! He moved me into our new home in October knowing that he didn't want to be with me. He should of told me then he didn't want me here.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Okay, I really shouldn't laugh but the dead fish comment got me.  

I'm in a similar boat, in that I don't know how to act. He's fearful of the deep talks because he's afraid they turn into "those" discussions and arguments. I make things worse because I want him to have faith and want to work to do something to commit to working with me on this marriage, but he's so darn pessimistic and worried about "acting fine" and then everything crumbles down again. 

His love language is words of affirmation, and while I want to leave him notes telling him why he loves me and so on, I'm afraid that I've made things to where it will stress him out because he will feel like I'm expecting him to return the favor and he'll be afraid of me crying if he doesn't. Catch 22. 

I've decided that I need to not go there. We need to just do things to keep busy. Play video games, board games, go out with other couples together, take the kids to do things, but avoid discussing the issues. Because, really, do they get us anywhere? It's just sharing all the hurt feelings. 

I wish you luck with distracting yourself and him. Playing into his love language would be sweet. And maybe he'll return the favor.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Check out that "180" stuff...do a forum search, it sounds like what you need.
Give yourself the kindness, not just him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

Thank you all for your posts!

LonelynLost~ You're right it is SUCH a catch 22. I don't want to do anything that could be perceived as pressure to reciprocate, but I'd still like to occasionally show him that he means something to me.

Credam...~ I think I know the gist of the 180, but can't find anything directly when I forum search. Do you have any favorite sites or threads that you could link?

Thanks again!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Suckerpunched said:


> Thank you all for your posts!
> 
> LonelynLost~ You're right it is SUCH a catch 22. I don't want to do anything that could be perceived as pressure to reciprocate, but I'd still like to occasionally show him that he means something to me.
> 
> ...


go to the "articles" section of the forum, I think it's a thread in there.
I'll try to find it and put up a link here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Here it is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180-new-post.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

Thanks!


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## ncltshw1 (Mar 31, 2016)

Ladies ,kill the man with kindness ..Me and my husband have been having problems ,for years .I saw some texts to an old girlfriend of his for advise and also texted to her our issues and how he was going to either shut down or watch the marriage crumble .Well guess what ,my new makeover had started .I didn't clean the house ,i didn't cook except my own food .I drew me a bubble bath ,i pretty much just said f......this and started doing what i wanted ..We focus so much on a marriage,to the point of stress and when we run to our husbands for a shoulder or for them to meet us half way no where to be found .Just today ,i killed him with kindness ,and his running around in panic asking me ''Whats going on ?why are you so nice ?What happened ,you didn't do this in our 5 year of marriege '' ....'''hahaha well duhh you d.......b [email protected]#$^^ i was in tears no wonder" .
Ladies i am serious ,do a makeover for yourself ...focus on you and make yourself happy ..And i know ,he will cave and start chasing ..because when your running around looking good and your head high ''a strong woman '' ,he will be worried about the heads you will be turning .


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