# Sexless period to "normal"



## bagelboy (Apr 22, 2008)

Anyone go from a period of having a sexless marriage to a place where things got better or really good or great?

It would be encouraging to know HOW you did it?

There are a lot of horror stories about sexless marriage here but not a lot of "success" stories. (at least in the searches Ive done)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If it's the woman who goes of sex, it is more easily fixed in my opinion: Sexless Marraige?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

yes gone from good times , to bad times and good and now back again. im now in a position of ive told my H i dont want to be with him and to be honest in the past, once we kinda got out of the lull and back into the caring, loving stage - we had casual sex whilst split up and the fun came back and adventure.
at the moment im back to manual handling . but im not feeling emotional or physical for my H at the moment.
my H and i have for several reasons split up over the yrs and there are success stories. 
alot of mine came back through communication , remaining friends and not being able to really let go at the time. 
having space also contributed to us sortin our marriage out at the time.
im just back in the I dont give a sh** mode for him again.


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## bagelboy (Apr 22, 2008)

But if you are now in a position of "Ive told him I dont want to be with him".....that would NOT be "success" to me.

Its sounds like things are not good.

Are you saying that you have had good times but now they are bad just to give an example that it CAN be good?

Personally, I dont know how we are going to get out of this rut.

We have a 14 and 12 year old.....splitting up doesnt seem to be an option right now.






justean said:


> yes gone from good times , to bad times and good and now back again. im now in a position of ive told my H i dont want to be with him and to be honest in the past, once we kinda got out of the lull and back into the caring, loving stage - we had casual sex whilst split up and the fun came back and adventure.
> at the moment im back to manual handling . but im not feeling emotional or physical for my H at the moment.
> my H and i have for several reasons split up over the yrs and there are success stories.
> alot of mine came back through communication , remaining friends and not being able to really let go at the time.
> ...


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

my husband considered himself to be in a sexless marriage even though we were still having sex 1-3 times a month.


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## bagelboy (Apr 22, 2008)

picabu said:


> my husband considered himself to be in a sexless marriage even though we were still having sex 1-3 times a month.


For me that WOULD be pretty close to sexless....

Cant get much closer.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

its not a success story at the moment. but it was a success story b 4 . relationships go up and down. it was a success when we sorted it out, now its just dimmed again. 
at the point now, just fed up of trying.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Think the big question here is why has it stopped !
Our self live took a massive dive after my husbands affair , it took me a long time to respect him again and to stop asking myself what wasnt i doing for him.
That was 6 years ago, we took a long time to recover and it wasnt about blame it was about communicating our feelings.
Its takern me 6 years to make the first move in bed fear of rejection was a big fear of mine .
And for my husband he cant even put into words why ( or hes trying not to hurt me )
but people go of sexs for loads of reasons ,tirdness, hormones its igniting that fire again the more sex you have the more you want and crave .
Its a shame to waste a good sex life by just giving up ..much better to stick with it and find the cause and re ignite the passion


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

My Husband thinks sex once a YEAR is sufficient. Talk about a sexless marriage!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

> my husband considered himself to be in a sexless marriage even though we were still having sex 1-3 times a month.


Sorry, but 1-3 times a month, for most men, is DARN CLOSE to sexless.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

:iagree:

but whats normal ?


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## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

If you are not having sex at least once or twice per week, then there is probably something wrong with your marriage.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

> If you are not having sex at least once or twice per week, then there is probably something wrong with your marriage.


I can agree with that statement, even when we were not having sex nearly as often as we do now, it was still at least once or twice a week.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i'm in a 1-3 times a month situation now, and as a man, i am not happy, it isnt nearly enough


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## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Have you told your wife that it isn't enough?
She needs to know that is not normal.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

now why on earth would a grown woman, who at one time early in our relationship was an everyday or maybe every other dayer, need to be told that once or twice a month isnt enough? she damn well knows it but doesnt want to improve it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> now why on earth would a grown woman, who at one time early in our relationship was an everyday or maybe every other dayer, need to be told that once or twice a month isnt enough? she damn well knows it but doesnt want to improve it.


You know the reason for that. When a woman fancies the pants of you, she wants you. But if that fancying is allowed to falter, then sex becomes an uphill struggle. There's usually resentment in there somewhere...


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

I have a HUGE sex drive. My H is being tested for low testosterone level now. He only did the testing because I threatened divorce. I haven't had any since some time in January. Also, his approach is always the same. Never does anything different. I'm not only in a sexless marriage but when I do get it it's the same every single time. I've talked about it and he said that's how he does it and nothing is going to change. What a drag!!!!!!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wastingtime-
Semen Retention would solve this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4579-semen-retention-101-a.html


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

My H already does that. He has absolutely no drive or desire. We have another problem that I just found out about. He had an outbreak of Herpes (which he obviously got from me) but was too EMBARRASED to mention to me. That is the reason for the abstenance. If he would put his pride aside for just one minute and think about me and how this lack of sex would affect me and our relationship he would have told me right away. Now it's a matter of sitting back and waiting for the MD's test results and then we go from there. 

I told him counseling is a MUST. There is more to this than just embarrassment on his part. I think he has much deeper problems than that and we should get to the bottom of it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wastingtime said:


> My H already does that. He has absolutely no drive or desire.


Not so fast!
When you say he already does that, you need to explain what "that" refers to. I bet he is not doing it in quite the same was as me. Unless you do it right, it does not count, and more importantly it does not work.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

What I mean is he does the semen retention thing. He is very good at control. If he "wants" he can last all night. He has practiced this for years. He was married 3x before and 2 of the 3 cheated on him. From my experience with him it's not that he doesn't last, that's not it. He has no desire or drive left. 

He also is of the mind-set that if it works don't change anything. We have no spontinaity in our sex life (when we had one). He's Great when we do but he just doesn't "want" to.  He isn't good at foreplay. I don't know why but he just thinks once these lube I'm ready (I guess). About 9 out of 10 times there is absolutely nothing different. We've been married for 4+yrs and have never done it anywhere but in the bed. (except once on vacation and that was because I initiated it.)

Point #2 I always (and do mean always) initiate it. He thinks if he touches my breast that's enough to tell me he's in the mood and I should take things from there. Do you get my drift?!? It's like I know EXACTLY what comes next. It's boring and I told him so. His answer . . . that's the way I am! I think this is deep seeded from his divorces and I should have been much more cautious about marrying him. He's a nice guy and is somewhat helpful around the house (sort of) but he has no sex drive or any drive for anything at all in life.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wastingtime said:


> What I mean is he does the semen retention thing. He is very good at control. If he "wants" he can last all night.


That has nothing do to with Semen Retention. See: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4579-semen-retention-101-a.html

It's about having sex but not deliberately not cuming every time. It make men very horny.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

Are you NUTS!!! If I suggested something like that he would go crazy! He doesn't mind making sure I cum and is good about making sure I am satisfied as far as orgasm goes (I mean cum) but for him not go get his would be like the ultimate sacrifice. He's not that kind of guy. He figures he gets what he wants and gives when he's in the mood. The whole problem is he doesn't care enough to do something like this. If he did then he would care about how I felt from the beginning and about foreplay and me always having to initiate etc, etc, etc. He is selfish! So, I appreciate the suggestion and yes it sounds like common sense but that's not the real problem. It is that he really doesn;'t care enough to make any kind of change. He's happy with the way things are. 

I miss the time before we were married when we did it all the time. He was always ready willing and able. It was like being a kid again. We have no kids in the house so the disturbances are minimal. He just doesn't care.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wastingtime said:


> Are you NUTS!!!


It has been suggested 

Anyway, you are feeling powerless when you need not. Use your female skills to turn things around. If you really get stuck, giving him an ultimatum would produce a dramatic change in him. But you can't do that unless you feel you have nothing to lose.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I wish your hubby would try this semen retention thing. Mark suggested it for me and my hubby, and he actually does have documented low T levels, and it was working wonders! He was starting to want sex more, getting spontaneous erections.. etc...

We've put the intercourse part on hold, because of some female problems that I'm having, but I continue to give him oral, and tease him when I can, and he is loving that... 

See if you can't get him to try semen retention. It will make him want sex more . I reallly truly have seen what it does to my hubby.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

Well, I thought tonight would be the first time in over 3 months. Was I ever WRONG!!! He fell asleep on the sofa with the cat while I was waiting for him in the bedroom. He finally came to bed about an hour later. By that time I was so tired I just shut off the light and took a nap. It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm not tired because I'm too frustrated to sleep, AGAIN. This is really screwing up any sleep I get. 

We both are off work tomorrow together. That's not something that happens very often either. I figured I'd sit him down and explain this semen retention thing. It would be worth a try because I'm not getting it anyway, so, if I alienate him it won't be any worse than it is right now.

We don't go for counseling until next week but I'm hoping by then he will have realized how serious this is. I hate to think there is no hope either because I don't give up easy on anything I put my mind to. I really do love him but he just doesn't take things very seriously. He says he loves me, but if he really does, then why doesn't he make any effort? I put myself last throughout all of my last marriage - 27 years! I vowed I'd never do it again but I did. I let him get lazy about sex and I always initiated it. Now it's going to take alot of work by both of us to get things to where we are both satisfied with the way our sex life is ( or isn't:scratchhead.

well, if things don't go well from our little talk tomorrow I'll be bak again tomorrow night! Thanks for listening everyone and wish me luck!!!:smthumbup:


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## bagelboy (Apr 22, 2008)

Im the original poster of this thread. Ive just been watching the replies. I guess its taking on a life of its own.

None of it is really giving me any insight but its a good read I guess..

Bottom line for me, 

I dont really want to have sex with my wife because she has let her body get fat....its a HUGE turnoff to me...and Im also angry because she knows that its important to me.


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## wastingtime (Mar 29, 2009)

You are right and I apologize profusely for not keeping on track. How "fat" has your wife gotten? Is it 10 - 20 lbs or are we talking more like 50 - 70 lbs overweight? There is a big difference on how you could get her to trim back down. Being a female who has gained a few pounds since getting married I can give you a few suggestions if I knew what we are really talking about. 

Also, you say you really don't want to have sex with your wife. Well, is there any other reason besides the weight or is it just that. I'm sure she is still a beautiful woman otherwise you wouldn't have married her in the first place, right? also, she is beautiful inside too. Do you know what caused the weight gain? Is it from meds that cause her to overeat? Alot of meds have that side effect and the person taking them doesn't even know it. For starters if this has anything to do with it get her MD to switch her to something that doesn't have that side effect. 

Also, I would like to know what this woman likes for motivating her. Does she have any hobbies? Does she sit all day and watch TV? does she work and then come home and have to do all the cleaning and cooking too. what's her typical day like? 

Lastly, is it only the weight that keeps you from wanting to have sex with her? If there is something else, what is it.

I'll check periodically today (Sunday) for your answer to the ???'s and then I'll tell you how I would respond to your request for losing weight.


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## sarcasm67 (Apr 7, 2009)

I'm looking for similar advice. how to get back to "normal". My wife and I had settled into a 2-3 times per month before our children were born (3 year old and 1 year old twins). That was not enough for me at the time but sounds amazing now. In the past 1 1/2 years we have had sex once (well tried), she got sore after a few minutes and we stopped. She told me I could go to the bathroom and finish, that sounded horrible to me and I said that it would just depress me. She ran downstairs crying and would not talk further about it.

The lack of sex is bad but in adddition, "sex" is basically her laying there and letting me inside her, that's all. She never touches me and rarely lets me touch her. It really bothers me. I have tried to talk to her about it but she always ends up making it seem like I am telling her she is horrible and she starts crying. 

I know she has body issues, she has gained weight from having children, I still find her incredibly sexy. Being next to her in bed gets me aroused eevery night. She saw a nutritionist (about just not feeling particularly well) and found that her testosterone was too low to measure so she has been on suppliments for that for a few months now. I do not notice a difference although she says she does want it now, she is just too sitred or too sore.

I am not trying to lessen how hard she works as a stay at home mom, but I work 2 jobs to support us, many times late nights and definately get less sleep than she does. I'm exhausted too. 

It feels like this is not just sex drive but also love, I'm really concerned that it is not there from her anymore.

I wrote more than I intended I guess my basic question is given that she gave birth a year ago and had the low testosterone, how long should I wait before thinking this is serious problem.


thanks,


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi sarcasm..

I feel for you. 

first thing, is the kids. She has had two pregnancies, and twins! with a three year old too! You guys are lucky to get any sleep at all I bet.

Well, having a baby, is very very serious stuff, hormonaly for a woman. And in the grand scheme of things, a year is not all that long, when you're talking about all the changes that a woman's body goes through in the 9 months leading up to birth.

Sounds like the docs already have pin pointed that her hormones are out of whack. Not to mention, the exhaustion from raising three kids at home, under the age of three.

Also, there might still be some post partum depression going on? Did she have any trouble with that? some cases can be very mild, but just linger on.

As for the soreness issue... believe it or not, it's not that uncommon, for women to have pain, for even a year afterwards. For instance, my sister, after giving birth, had such severe pain during intercourse, that she all but stopped. She had no choice. It was from all the damage to the muscles, and the tearing when the baby's head crowned. The doc gave her some meds.. they didn't help, he suggested surgery, to correct the problem. I am not sure what the diagnosis was, but there are some things they can do , to correct the painful sex that sometimes follows birth. This pain during sex can be bad enough to make a woman want to stop. Just imagine your penis feeling like it's being torn every time you thrust into your wife.... that is probably what it feels like to her, hopefully not that severe. Unfortunately, it was very severe for my sister.

This is quite possibly the main reason she doesn't want to have sex. My sister's daughter will turn 4 years old shortly, and she Still has pain with intercourse. She and her hubby are having troubles, because of other issues, but the sex thing isn't helping.

Please get her some help for the pain during intercourse, it might help a lot if that were resolved. I know from experience... I tore, down below... with both my children, and they were 8 pounds 8 ounces, and 9 pounds 2.5 ounces respectively... imagine having something that big, come out of you. I ended up with a huge hematoma on my , well, you know.... after my first child, from all the trauma, and the vaccum they used on me , I also tore severly inside, and out... a level 4 tear.... so, I took around 6 months to recover fully, and even then, sex for me was a bit iffy 

I think this is probly a combination of the hormones not being right, the pain during sex, the poor body image because she doesn't look the same anymore, and the sheer exhaustion she is feeling. 
Granted you are likely just as tired, but, you're not at home all day with toddlers tugging at you, without a moments peace. Your wife is in a different position, and so try to understand that since she gave birth, she has likely felt like a totally different gal.

You are doing so well, by telling her that you find her to be still as beautiful as she ever was. That is so very sweet of you, because a lot of husbands are so superficial with their wives, and the minute they gain a pound, are turned off by them. 

I think you two can get past this, if you pin down all the reasons she's been so cold to you, and work on them all, and individually.
Perhaps a therapist could help too?
Don't wait to get her help with the painful sex. That could likely be what is mostly keeping her from wanting it right now. 

Take her out on dates, and court her. let her know just how sexy you think she is. I know you have done these things... just keep up the reassuring, and I think maybe she will come around.

She is a lucky gal to have you. 

please keep everyone updated if you can.


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