# In need of advice ASAP!



## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

I am dating an older woman (10 yrs older) that I am in love with and absolutely brings a smile to my face when I see her every time. We use to work together at my previous job where she currently still works. However, she has five kids from two previous failed marriages. She is still technically married but separated and wants to get divorced soon. She has one son with her current husband who really hurt her financially and physically. She is also trying to renovate her entire house and there are several projects going on and I have been helping her some as well which I do not mind because I really care for her tremendously and love her without a doubt in my heart. However, there is a lot of craziness right now that surrounds her and I am not sure if this is something I can handle and want. I want to be the man she has been looking for and I want to be a good male influence in her and her kids’ lives, since her kids are always fighting and there is clearly lack of male leadership from their father. I am starting to get stressed out and not sure what I should do? It would kill me if I didn't have her in my life. If she was with my from the start she would be my wife without question because it feels so right just being with her but I am just a little stressed about the fact she is still technically married and has a kid with him and with other drama going on with her other kids who do not listen and are brats along with her gutted house. I love her tremendously and want to be with her and help her and love her but I am just so confused on what to do....and if this is my future? She has been asking me if this is what I want and I keep finding myself without an answer. She has helped me out in a few ways but I want to be a man and not so indecisive about stuff especially with her. I am so confused and not sure what I should do? I really do love her but it is very challenging...at least for now. I have been praying for guidance but I don't know. I know this is a lot and I am sorry but just looking for some answers.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

OMFG.

I got chills down my back because your situation cuts a little too close to my _first _love.

At 18 I was, I suspect, younger than you are now. But the other parallels are so eerie.

She was six years older.
She was married, but separated and seeking divorce.
She had five kids, from two failed relationships (including the marriage).
I adore her kids.

We were so in love. It burned really hot, and really passionately.We use to fantasize about if only we'd met at another time, in other circumstances. The circumstances got even more complex, and Jerry Springeresque, in ways that I don't even feel like sharing.

I know that I then was in a different stage than you are now. But ultimately, as much as I did love her, I couldn't do it. It was totally against my morals to be involved with a married woman, no matter how much I loved her, and no matter how in shambles her marriage was before we met. It was eating me away, and it caused serious conflict with us.

The DRAMA was just so freaking intense, and never ending. It crushed us in the end.

Right love, wrong lives.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I agree with Jaquen. 

Do not do this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This woman needs to put her life in order before she involves any other people in it. You don't need to be husband #3 and join the current chaos and misery. If you do so, you're probably going to end up being ex husband #3.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Still married 
Divorced once before
5 children
Son "physically" abuses her
Other children are "brats"
Gutted home w/several projects going on
10 years older

What DO you have in common with this woman?

Is she utterly charming? Great sex? If so, be very careful - she could be bipolar.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Can you just slow it down some? You are just dating, not living together or engaged right? This doesn't sound like you have to make an immediate commitment. In fact you can't if she's still married.

You didn't give your ages. But if you haven't had kids of your own, starting off cold with 5, with 2 different fathers is a HUGE commitment. And the drama is unlikely to subside much, particularly with a soon to be Ex that was physically abusive.

You said she keeps asking if this is what you want and you don't have an answer. Really that is an answer in itself. It doesn't mean you have to break things off, just maybe slow down. She should want you to be sure, and if she loves you the way you love her, she should be willing to give you plenty of time to come to your own decision.


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

Jaquen,

We honestly do have the same situation only I am 29 now and she just turned 40 and I will be 30 soon. Everything you just said is exactly how I feel about her and Ive even discussed that if I were 10 yrs old or if she was 10 yrs younger we would be married and have our own family. I have no doubt in my mind she would be my wife. I disagree with being with a woman who is still technically married, i really do not like that at all but I just love her so much. I am not doing this just for sex or fun or anything like that it is truly love. I genuinely care for her tremendously. It would pain me so much to know if she wound up with someone else. I really feel like we should separate until her marriage is finalize and over completely. I would like to have a son in a few years but her time is getting smaller by the day and she said she would do it but I am not doing anything until her divorce is final. I am just so confused because I feel like our lives are a little different and I for how I truly feel about her. There are a lot of challenges right now and not sure if this is GOD testing me or if I am just making a dumb decision being with her or if she is suppose to be my future?? It is almost a mirror image of your story Jaquen. Very erie.


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

I greatly appreciate all the feed back. I really do thank you all. But she is not a psycho or bi polar. She has a lot of craziness in her life. You guys are right it is A LOT to take on right now with all those kids but they really need some good male influence in their life because they really need some discipline and a father figure. But I am stressing myself out right now if this is my future or not. No definitely not engage or living there. I know I am probably doing bad enough in GOD's eyes by dating her but I definitely am not doing that yet...wouldn't even think about it until her situation is resolved completely. It just sucks that the person you think is your soul mate and love indefinitely is in a whole different situation than me. I am more laid back and like chill and my time but I am just so confused. Should I be a man and give up my life to help her and her kids or do I do my own thing without her???


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MrJam said:


> Jaquen,
> 
> We honestly do have the same situation only I am 29 now and she just turned 40 and I will be 30 soon. Everything you just said is exactly how I feel about her and Ive even discussed that if I were 10 yrs old or if she was 10 yrs younger we would be married and have our own family. I have no doubt in my mind she would be my wife. I disagree with being with a woman who is still technically married, i really do not like that at all but I just love her so much. I am not doing this just for sex or fun or anything like that it is truly love. I genuinely care for her tremendously. It would pain me so much to know if she wound up with someone else. I really feel like we should separate until her marriage is finalize and over completely. I would like to have a son in a few years but her time is getting smaller by the day and she said she would do it but I am not doing anything until her divorce is final. I am just so confused because I feel like our lives are a little different and I for how I truly feel about her. There are a lot of challenges right now and not sure if this is GOD testing me or if I am just making a dumb decision being with her or if she is suppose to be my future?? It is almost a mirror image of your story Jaquen. Very erie.


Why marry a woman that already has two kids from different dads?

Why marry a woman that is divorcing her 2nd husband, do you want to be no. 3?

Why marry a woman that is to old to have a kid of your own?

Never date a married woman.

She is not divorced.


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

Ok, first I am not marrying her or anyone now or anytime soon. I don't want to be nor do i think i will be no 3 if we did get married. Your right I disagree with my being involved while she is still married. It eats at me still but I am afraid to lose true love. Maybe I am just an idiot??


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There was a guy named broder62(i think). Look at his older threads. This woman sounds like bad news. You think 2 marriages fail without any issues from her ? And stop the relationship until she gets divorced. No, it is not enough that she is separate from her husband. honestly, she sounds like too much baggage. You are too much in love to see objectively ? How long are you seeing her? What does your family say about this relationship ?


Edit: It is not true love. Come on, man!! Why did her relationships end ? Let me guess it. They abused her, right ?


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

Yes they abused her. The first one was an A hole who mentally and physically abused her and there is proof of this....the second one she kicked out after learning he was a drunk bum who hit her. She has a big heart. Just was unfortunate she had the wrong guys. Im not saying I am perfect but I know I love her. Yes, there is a lot of baggage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MrJam said:


> Jaquen,
> 
> We honestly do have the same situation only I am 29 now and she just turned 40 and I will be 30 soon. Everything you just said is exactly how I feel about her and Ive even discussed that if I were 10 yrs old or if she was 10 yrs younger we would be married and have our own family. I have no doubt in my mind she would be my wife. I disagree with being with a woman who is still technically married, i really do not like that at all but I just love her so much. I am not doing this just for sex or fun or anything like that it is truly love. I genuinely care for her tremendously. It would pain me so much to know if she wound up with someone else. I really feel like we should separate until her marriage is finalize and over completely. I would like to have a son in a few years but her time is getting smaller by the day and she said she would do it but I am not doing anything until her divorce is final. I am just so confused because I feel like our lives are a little different and I for how I truly feel about her. There are a lot of challenges right now and not sure if this is GOD testing me or if I am just making a dumb decision being with her or if she is suppose to be my future?? It is almost a mirror image of your story Jaquen. Very erie.


All of this, and then some:

I asked her to marry me during our relationship. So she was my fiance for a brief time.
And she got pregnant (we lost it).

It was a _*nightmare*_ situation. It was also the last situation that I would have ever found myself involved with. I was just so, so in love with this woman at the time that I was compromising myself left and right just to hold on to her.

I'll tell you the truth. I have a very real, very intimate relationship with God. I use to talk to him about everything, and then I realized that I was being open with everything BUT my relationship with this woman. One night, while visiting my friend, the enormous weight of the whole dysfunctional situation (which, trust me, has even more bizarre details that I haven't shared), and all the horrible decisions I'd been making in the name of love, came crashing down on my head. I just wept before God, confessed everything, surrendered, and asked him to help.

Within three months everything was done. As much as I loved her, my life didn't really begin again until we were over and I was free. It wasn't her, but we were both making some egregious choices to justify staying together.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Just something to SERIOUSLY consider...it's entirely possible that there is something wrong with both ex-husbands and they REALLY WERE/ARE a**holes.

That being said, you would HAVE TO admit that there is then something WRONG WITH HER to keep choosing/allowing these men to be in her life!

You need to SLOW DOWN, STEP BACK, and do some REAL HARD soul-searching. It's EASY to believe HER SIDE of the story...that they're both a-holes. You're only hearing ONE SIDE of the story...HERS. The reality is she's either LYING TO YOU, OR she's refusing to acknowledge her OWN CONTRIBUTION to these failed marriages. Either she's NOT such an angel to live with, or she has REAL SERIOUS PROBLEMS in relating to men appropriately. If she hasn't gotten any PROFESSIONAL help, then she is NOT GOING TO CHANGE the way she deals with them. You think that because YOU'RE A NICE GUY that things will work out well with her because this time she's not choosing an a-hole. But if ALL SHE'S EVER KNOWN is a-holes, then she will NOT be comfortable in a relationship with you until she screws it all up and creates the DRAMA she is so obviously comfortable with.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't see this ending well. The best indication of future behavior is PAST behavior. Two bad marriages. Multiple badly-behaved children. Chaos and drama from A to Z. She seems to thrive on upheaval. Her house is a wreck. Her marriage is a wreck. Her ex-marriage is a wreck. Her children's behavior is a wreck...ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE HERE? She may complain about it a lot, but she seems to be attracted to/addicted to the DRAMA. You'll be sorry you got sucked in if DRAMA is NOT YOUR THING.

[some well-meant MOTHERLY advice]


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is bad on so many levels. You'll be a lot of pain if you continue. 

Never ever married someone who has to get divorced first. Never think you can change her or how she raises her kids. Never think you will die without someone. That's just what popped in my head without much deliberation.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Let's see.......

5 kids.....2 previous failed marriages....What's the common denominator here?

Until you resolve your feelings about all of this, please be sure to not get her pregnant! You'd be stepping into a huge instant family and your gut is trying to tell you something!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yea this lady must have a beer flavored vajaja or something but you've got to break this spell bud. 

It's does not make sense no matter how hot she is. You want to jump in and get shredded and it's still worth it then go ahead and get your instant gratification. The interest rate on this relationship will be pretty high though.


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

Jaquen,

wow this is crazy. I got her pregnant as well earlier this summer. She kept complaining about some stomach pains and was feeling sick so I took her to the hospital and turns out she was pregnant only a few weeks. I remember I was stressing severely about this. I felt like I really messed up and we were not ready for this by any means. I do pray to GOD almost daily about things and especially this. I prayed a lot to GOD to just make his will more important than mine/ours and whatever is the best way of handling this is what I will do. Few weeks later, she miscarried. I was a little upset but I was also relieved. Shes not divorced yet and there are just some other factors that would need to be worked out before a child could be brought in the picture. I keep praying now that I just want to do the right thing and make sure I handle it the right way. Whatever GOD's will is and whatever he wants for my future is where I am at now. I love her so much that it would kill me if I couldn't see or talk to her but I want to do whatever it is I need to do. I think maybe stepping back like you guys say is probably a good awnser. Yes, I agree she needs to get some things in order in her life and maybe some mental help but I am serious and take my word for it she is not crazy or psycho or someone who likes to cling to drama. She just cares about her kids and getting her house back in order for her kids and wants a drama free caring man in her life. she tells me this all the time. She is on a verge of a meltdown with all the stress in her life right now and I feel like if I leave now that will just be the cherry on top and I dont want to do that and I would love to be there for her and help her. Just suxs that when you love someone like this and it feels right but maybe its not right. that is why I am confused and just want to do what is right. Thank you all for your input.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Do you have family? parents? what do they say about your relationship?


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

I do not have any kids but my dad knows. He hasn't really said much. He probably doesn't agree with it though. I am hiding it from my mom right now because she know who she is. They have talked before but she is not one of my moms friends my mom just knows who she is and I don't know how she will react. I have stressed to my mom that we are very good friends and my mom does know that. I normally do not go for older women with kids but with her its different. I am only involved because of how my feelings are for her. They are pure and genuine and i know for a fact that I love her. She brings me joy. Yes, I so wish she didn't have all that baggage and we could have our own life together but I am not sure if I should give up my life to be with her and help her and be the man in her life shes been looking for. I want to be a man but there is just so much confusion in my head about this. I love her dearly and she will be in my heart forever and shes tired of all the drama and stress in her life and shes told me if I wasn't around right now she would probably be in a mental ward. This just really suxs. I don't want to push her off the ledge if I leave or break things off for now and I am afraid I will lose her as a result because I just really enjoy seeing her and talking to her and she does make me happy minus everything else.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think you plan to go in and fix all of her problem. I'm sorry but that's not how it works. I get it. The world feels right when you are with her but let's look at some of the problems.

First off do you know what happened with her two failed marriages. You can only know her side of things but it's happened twice already. That's a huge problem.

Have you ever tried to raise kids? Step kids are harder than your own too. Do you think she will let you step in and say what's what with the kids. And do you think they will love you and understand you are thinking in their best interest. Well that's not how it works either. you will be the bad guy and she will be good guy and they will resent you even if she's the one who gets strict because of you. The parent HAS to be the primary disciplinarian at least to start out with.

She has 5 mind you FIVE kids.

She is still married. That's enough to make you wait in it's self. Want's to get a divorce is a phrase. Having a divorce is an action. A homeless guys wants to be a millionaire but that does not change anything.

So she's in financial trouble and you are helping her renovate her house. Are you even sure she'll want you around when that's done. Sounds like a good deal for her to have you around right now.

You say there is lot's of craziness. Apparently there's more that we don't see then and THAT IS SCARY.

You said you want to be the man she has been looking for and want to be a good male influence in her and her kids’ lives. You should be the man you are proud of and if she's smart then that's what she'll like in you. You will have to realize though that won't have much influence with her kids for a long time. And if she lets them treat you disrespectfully then you'll be stuck either being disrespected or standing up and them resenting you.

Kids always fighting? Again you think you can change that? That's her job to have already done.

You said It would kill me if I didn't have her in my life. I hope that's a figure of speech. Either way it sounds like a very weak emotional position to take into a relationship. This sounds more healthy: She would make my life better and I want her to be happy with or without me.

You say there's drama and her kids are brats? I don't understand how you could dive deeper in to that situation.

It's good you are praying for guidance. Just remember god may tell you what to do but he won't do it for you. Maybe he sent you here for that very reason.

To me you are letting infatuation drag you into something that YOU KNOW is screwed up and not very smart. Fight it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MrJam said:


> Jaquen,
> 
> wow this is crazy. I got her pregnant as well earlier this summer. She kept complaining about some stomach pains and was feeling sick so I took her to the hospital and turns out she was pregnant only a few weeks. I remember I was stressing severely about this. I felt like I really messed up and we were not ready for this by any means. I do pray to GOD almost daily about things and especially this. I prayed a lot to GOD to just make his will more important than mine/ours and whatever is the best way of handling this is what I will do. Few weeks later, she miscarried. I was a little upset but I was also relieved. Shes not divorced yet and there are just some other factors that would need to be worked out before a child could be brought in the picture. I keep praying now that I just want to do the right thing and make sure I handle it the right way. Whatever GOD's will is and whatever he wants for my future is where I am at now. I love her so much that it would kill me if I couldn't see or talk to her but I want to do whatever it is I need to do. I think maybe stepping back like you guys say is probably a good awnser. Yes, I agree she needs to get some things in order in her life and maybe some mental help but I am serious and take my word for it she is not crazy or psycho or someone who likes to cling to drama. She just cares about her kids and getting her house back in order for her kids and wants a drama free caring man in her life. she tells me this all the time. She is on a verge of a meltdown with all the stress in her life right now and I feel like if I leave now that will just be the cherry on top and I dont want to do that and I would love to be there for her and help her. Just suxs that when you love someone like this and it feels right but maybe its not right. that is why I am confused and just want to do what is right. Thank you all for your input.


If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were involved with the same woman. Your girlfriend and my ex are even the same age.

My ex likewise came from a background with a lot of abuse from other men. She clung to me because no man, even me at 18, had treated her with so much respect and love.

I was hooked. Her family originated from another country and we were talking about relocating there as soon as her divorce was final. I was ready to give up everything for her; my dreams, my home, my education, _everything_.

It would have been the worst mistake of my life. 

Be very careful.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The silver lining? Her situation is so disfunctional that you be running away even if you play house for a little while. Plus you can't marry her. That's a blessing in disguise.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

MrJam said:


> I am hiding it from my mom right now because she know who she is. They have talked before but she is not one of my moms friends my mom just knows who she is and I don't know how she will react.



Hmmm.... I would say that speaks volumes


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## Pyroguy (Aug 28, 2012)

You know...some women are so eager to get married, that they grasp on to the first man who comes around. This may be why she picked such losers twice in a row, followed by the extremely poor judgment to go on to have children with these guys. She may be nice and sweet up front (to "win" a man willing to marry her), then become something else afterward, or at least revert to her true self when the marriage certificate is signed.

At 40, her time to safely have children is fast approaching, and many would say that time has in fact passed. Not only is carrying the baby to birth less likely to succeed without problems or miscarriage, the likelihood of mental disabilities such as Down syndrome increases greatly. Try and add such a situation as that to the current mix of problems! If you want children of your own, you should probably not attempt this with a woman at that age. Sorry.

I married a woman with two boys, one almost 5, the other 12. It was a challenge, but not impossible. The advantage was that the biological father had very little contact. My wife allowed me to set the rules and expected the boys to follow my lead (however, I always taught them to honor their real father, as the bible teaches). We were both divorced, but have been married now for 18 years. What am I getting to? FIVE children, already acting badly? Let me give you a bit of advice...don't even think about it. You're way too young be become an "Instant Dad" of FIVE unruly children. The bliss you are thinking you will have will be very short lived, I'm afraid.

You fell in love. Great. But so what? You'll find someone else, closer to your own age. And you'll make a great life and children together. Yes, it would hurt for a while to walk away from this person, but I guarantee the sun will still rise tomorrow morning, the sky will not fall, and you'll make it past the grief of walking away. As others have said about too much baggage, not only is there a lot of that here, but it looks like an entire moving truck of it.

Not advice you want to hear, but all of this is well-meant. I'm almost 50, two marriages, and stepchildren. I would pass...she needs to fix her current marriage, as that would be best for her and her children. You need to step aside, get out of her vision, and let that situation resolve itself within their family. Right now, even though you mean well, you're a hindrance to all concerned for the right things that need to take place.

Good luck to you.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MrJam said:


> Jaquen,
> 
> wow this is crazy. I got her pregnant as well earlier this summer. She kept complaining about some stomach pains and was feeling sick so I took her to the hospital and turns out she was pregnant only a few weeks. I remember I was stressing severely about this. I felt like I really messed up and we were not ready for this by any means. I do pray to GOD almost daily about things and especially this. I prayed a lot to GOD to just make his will more important than mine/ours and whatever is the best way of handling this is what I will do. Few weeks later, she miscarried. I was a little upset but I was also relieved. Shes not divorced yet and there are just some other factors that would need to be worked out before a child could be brought in the picture. I keep praying now that I just want to do the right thing and make sure I handle it the right way. Whatever GOD's will is and whatever he wants for my future is where I am at now. I love her so much that it would kill me if I couldn't see or talk to her but I want to do whatever it is I need to do. I think maybe stepping back like you guys say is probably a good awnser. Yes, I agree she needs to get some things in order in her life and maybe some mental help but I am serious and take my word for it she is not crazy or psycho or someone who likes to cling to drama. She just cares about her kids and getting her house back in order for her kids and wants a drama free caring man in her life. she tells me this all the time. She is on a verge of a meltdown with all the stress in her life right now and I feel like if I leave now that will just be the cherry on top and I dont want to do that and I would love to be there for her and help her. Just suxs that when you love someone like this and it feels right but maybe its not right. that is why I am confused and just want to do what is right. Thank you all for your input.



Have you had many other relationships? Are you looking for a replacement mother? Be honest with yourself about this. You sound super inexperienced for a 30 year old. You also sound very guilty about what your doing. Listen to your guilt in this case. Do you know what your guilt is actually saying? 

*DON'T THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY ON THIS WOMEN! * 

Dating an older women can be fun because they know what they want in a man. Usually that translates to great sex without the complications of a younger women. I did this two times in my 20's and it was fun and freakly while it lasted. However, it never works out because your lives are on different paths or tragectories. She's wrapping up her second family and you're looking to start one. She is looking at years of dealing with her ex and their children. She will only have so much energy to spend and you will only get the bits and pieces. Are you OK with being her second priority? Would you be OK with a women who didn't always put her children first? So you either accept a women of questionable character or you accept her emotional scraps. 

Your judgement is impared at this point because your little brain is in full overide. Take a huge step back and look at this logically. If her son is attacking her there is reason behind it given he's not mentally ill. Behavior like this is usually the result of some really bad parenting and she is at least 50% to blame for this. If he is mentally ill then that will become your problem or you may end up producing another mentally ill child. It runs in families. Look it up.

The amount of chaos in her life should be a huge red flag for you but somehow it isn't. Take a break from this relationship and evaluate it carefully. Your future is in the balance.

Peace


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

She is working two jobs now one is very labor intensive and the other is just for a few hours on saturday to restore her credit and be able to get things back on even keel since her current husband, who she kicked out, did not work and did not pay the mortgage for three months and was drinking constantly. the final straw was when he hit her the second time. she immediately threw him out of the house and was lucky he did not go to jail. he took the baby with him and she wants the baby back and now shes just trying to pay bills and take care of her other kids and trying to get her house in order so all her kids can be comfortable. she has a nice big home in a nice neighborhood but just needs some work. shes been busting her butt to get all this done even though it is a slow process. she truly is a kind hearted hard working woman....and this is me stepping back knowing how hard she works since I have known her for about six years and use to work with her. She already told me she wants a divorce and will never trust him again because he broke her trust and they are supposively going to be talking at the end of this month about their situation and divorce when he comes in town to have a birthday party for the son that's involved. Yes, I agree she has a history of marrying the wrong men. she strongly agrees that she messed up the first time and the only reason why it took her so long to get out of the first one was because she was afraid of her children since he was such a loser dad and man all together, and I know he is because of other people that had to deal with him that are not friend's of hers or anything and I have heard stories from other people outside of who she knows and just how he treats his kids is a big sign as well. I am not trying to judge here but the guy is a subpar parent. but anyways, she thought her second and current husband was different and thought she found a good guy to have a family with and things seemed to be somewhat ok for the first two years then things just took a 180 degree turn. she gave him a son when she was 36 figuring this would be her last time being pregnant and settling down with a man. that is why there are five kids and two marriages. yes, she has a lot of drama right now and yes probably red flags but I am just telling the truth. so far the kids seem to be liking me but they are always cussing and fighting with each other and they disrespect their mom and shes tired of it. shes trying to do the best she can right now but it just seems like everything is taking a toll and I don't want to loose any connection with her at all. she really brings me joy but yes five kids is a lot and i have never raised any kids nor have any of my own but i am not ready just yet to have my own child. I figured if I don't have my own child at least I can be a good male influence in these kids lives and be a good man to her because that s what I want to be. I know I am not being a good man by being involved with a married woman but I was just so confused because I really do care for her and love her and just wanted to be happy and she makes me happy. I just remember the bible also saying that you must give up your life for Christ and help others and I want to help her but if I walk away from this am I being selfish of myself and going against what the bible says or am I just doing what is right???? I am reading everyone's response and really focusing on what you guys say. I greatly do appreciate all the feedback.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If there isn't a passage in your bible about condoms, there should be (sorry, not trying to offend anyone) because if you have a child with this woman you'll be trapped 

Take the appropriate precautions if you're still going to have sex with this woman!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is too Jerry Springer for me.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MrJam said:


> She is working two jobs now one is very labor intensive and the other is just for a few hours on saturday to restore her credit and be able to get things back on even keel since her current husband, who she kicked out, did not work and did not pay the mortgage for three months and was drinking constantly. the final straw was when he hit her the second time. she immediately threw him out of the house and was lucky he did not go to jail. he took the baby with him and she wants the baby back and now shes just trying to pay bills and take care of her other kids and trying to get her house in order so all her kids can be comfortable. she has a nice big home in a nice neighborhood but just needs some work. shes been busting her butt to get all this done even though it is a slow process. she truly is a kind hearted hard working woman....and this is me stepping back knowing how hard she works since I have known her for about six years and use to work with her. She already told me she wants a divorce and will never trust him again because he broke her trust and they are supposively going to be talking at the end of this month about their situation and divorce when he comes in town to have a birthday party for the son that's involved. Yes, I agree she has a history of marrying the wrong men. she strongly agrees that she messed up the first time and the only reason why it took her so long to get out of the first one was because she was afraid of her children since he was such a loser dad and man all together, and I know he is because of other people that had to deal with him that are not friend's of hers or anything and I have heard stories from other people outside of who she knows and just how he treats his kids is a big sign as well. I am not trying to judge here but the guy is a subpar parent. but anyways, she thought her second and current husband was different and thought she found a good guy to have a family with and things seemed to be somewhat ok for the first two years then things just took a 180 degree turn. she gave him a son when she was 36 figuring this would be her last time being pregnant and settling down with a man. that is why there are five kids and two marriages. yes, she has a lot of drama right now and yes probably red flags but I am just telling the truth. so far the kids seem to be liking me but they are always cussing and fighting with each other and they disrespect their mom and shes tired of it. shes trying to do the best she can right now but it just seems like everything is taking a toll and I don't want to loose any connection with her at all. she really brings me joy but yes five kids is a lot and i have never raised any kids nor have any of my own but i am not ready just yet to have my own child. I figured if I don't have my own child at least I can be a good male influence in these kids lives and be a good man to her because that s what I want to be. I know I am not being a good man by being involved with a married woman but I was just so confused because I really do care for her and love her and just wanted to be happy and she makes me happy. I just remember the bible also saying that you must give up your life for Christ and help others and I want to help her but if I walk away from this am I being selfish of myself and going against what the bible says or am I just doing what is right???? I am reading everyone's response and really focusing on what you guys say. I greatly do appreciate all the feedback.


I'm not religous but it occurs to me that you only refer to the sections of the bible that fit your justification for sleeping with a married women. 5 kids, 2 failed marriages, you got her pregnant, the kids are violent. If your not a troll then you're just plain stupid. Sorry but you come off this way.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MrJam said:


> She is working two jobs now one is very labor intensive and the other is just for a few hours on saturday to restore her credit and be able to get things back on even keel since her current husband, who she kicked out, did not work and did not pay the mortgage for three months and was drinking constantly. the final straw was when he hit her the second time. she immediately threw him out of the house and was lucky he did not go to jail. he took the baby with him and she wants the baby back and now shes just trying to pay bills and take care of her other kids and trying to get her house in order so all her kids can be comfortable. she has a nice big home in a nice neighborhood but just needs some work. shes been busting her butt to get all this done even though it is a slow process. she truly is a kind hearted hard working woman....and this is me stepping back knowing how hard she works since I have known her for about six years and use to work with her. She already told me she wants a divorce and will never trust him again because he broke her trust and they are supposively going to be talking at the end of this month about their situation and divorce when he comes in town to have a birthday party for the son that's involved. Yes, I agree she has a history of marrying the wrong men. she strongly agrees that she messed up the first time and the only reason why it took her so long to get out of the first one was because she was afraid of her children since he was such a loser dad and man all together, and I know he is because of other people that had to deal with him that are not friend's of hers or anything and I have heard stories from other people outside of who she knows and just how he treats his kids is a big sign as well. I am not trying to judge here but the guy is a subpar parent. but anyways, she thought her second and current husband was different and thought she found a good guy to have a family with and things seemed to be somewhat ok for the first two years then things just took a 180 degree turn. she gave him a son when she was 36 figuring this would be her last time being pregnant and settling down with a man. that is why there are five kids and two marriages. yes, she has a lot of drama right now and yes probably red flags but I am just telling the truth. so far the kids seem to be liking me but they are always cussing and fighting with each other and they disrespect their mom and shes tired of it. shes trying to do the best she can right now but it just seems like everything is taking a toll and I don't want to loose any connection with her at all. she really brings me joy but yes five kids is a lot and i have never raised any kids nor have any of my own but i am not ready just yet to have my own child. I figured if I don't have my own child at least I can be a good male influence in these kids lives and be a good man to her because that s what I want to be. I know I am not being a good man by being involved with a married woman but I was just so confused because I really do care for her and love her and just wanted to be happy and she makes me happy. I just remember the bible also saying that you must give up your life for Christ and help others and I want to help her but if I walk away from this am I being selfish of myself and going against what the bible says or am I just doing what is right???? I am reading everyone's response and really focusing on what you guys say. I greatly do appreciate all the feedback.


MrJam I believe you, like me when I was in an equally Jerry Springeresque situation, knows full well and good that it's neither healthy, nor right.

You are searching desperately for answers you already have because the bottom line is you're in love, and you don't want to give that up. When you're in love like I was, and like you are now, sometimes you're just willing to give up your morals, your self respect, and even your basic common sense to have it. But all you're doing is trying to find ways to justify that which is beyond justification. If you didn't already know that you were stuck in a BAD situation, and were wrong, you wouldn't even be here.

You know what you need to do. You just haven't find the strength, courage, and resolve to do it, no, but you know exactly what the right thing to do is.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> MrJam I believe you, like me when I was in an equally Jerry Springeresque situation, knows full well and good that it's neither healthy, nor right.
> 
> You are searching desperately for answers you already have because the bottom line is you're in love, and you don't want to give that up. When you're in love like I was, and like you are now, sometimes you're just willing to give up your morals, your self respect, and even your basic common sense to have it. But all you're doing is trying to find ways to justify that which is beyond justification. If you didn't already know that you were stuck in a BAD situation, and were wrong, you wouldn't even be here.
> 
> You know what you need to do. You just haven't find the strength, courage, and resolve to do it, no, but you know exactly what the right thing to do is.


I wasn't planning to comment any more but jaquen that was too eloquently spoken for me not too. :iagree::allhail:


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## MrJam (Sep 3, 2012)

this is painful.....


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MrJam said:


> this is painful.....


Love hurts sometimes.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

You are a rebound, odds are once the dust settles you're gonna get dumped. It's never a good idea to get serous with someone fresh out of a D. 

She is attracted to a-holes and is with you right now because you are the type of guy she needs at the moment. When she is on her feet again she'll be looking for another a-hole to tickle her fancy.

This is way too much for you to deal with and odds are it won't end well. You can ride it out and keep in mind it won't last or cut and run while you still have your sanity.


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