# 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Evening peeps....

Where/How do you even start...been lurking finally signed up....posted some...last few years been tough...

Cliff notes...I guess newest to oldest is fine for now....

tonight....we spoke about 6-8 weeks ago...decided we want to stay together..."and walk in to sunset together no divorce......went out to eat...not a comfortable situation told her I would 'buy" our lasts meal together...

6-8 weeks ago copied and printed from here some postings about married but just roommates for now...couple of days later we "talked about it... short version ..I wasn't going to proceed as roommates...

I pushed it tonight...I was pissed not at the w but in general maybe some at her...

more cliff notes...
had to take a buyout in 2013 been with co 30+ years....excellent package no choice to take it... took my first summer off in 30+ years.crawled into the bottle...but still was able to function...basically went to the lake every day...normally ****ed up after I did my walk and worked out...wife working PT and my package is paying the bills plus cobra medical...

we became empty nesters and thoroughly enjoyed it... ....like gets in the way both adult children (34 and 26) move back home)..I had not issue except this time I wanted to treat the as tenants to avoid as BS since they were adults... (no issue as of today 4/1/17 paying rents etc. on time as needed..

Wife 55 me 58 ...don't think anything is going on but this forum has opened my mind after being married a long time...I think this ones on me...I haven't found anything on her phone or email and I asked again flat out tonight...says no...I have no reason not to believe her...

more: had to move my elderly mother in with us in Jan .2017..sdhe's still her tonight...shes on WC after falling and breaking her hip in 7/2015...after caring her for 6 months in rehab let her move home until she wasn't able to live by herself any longer..

Wife put up with a ton of **** prior to my company closing down and relo (need to be careful here)...she packed up the house in order to moved but "package" was offered in lieu.. neither one of us was happy with that..company moved is back and payed all the expenses... 

Anyways...after my drunk fog cleared I felt something is right or maybe this isn't the way I want to live anyone...I've paid all expense up until 2017...2 collages...cars vac. etc.. (issue)...Since my mom got hurt I've been the one to run to the hospital...arrange surgeries etc...wife has a decent relationship ship with her but certainly not easy for the wife..


Any way I've ranted on...looks like I'm done and have to babysit on top on top of it...

I've been sober for 16 months until tonight....but I feel that I can go back to my contacts and meetings and be OK...for what ever that is......finally selling marriage is done after 36 years and opening a bottle after a long tuff time...is will IDK how to describe it..

Spell check sucks and for all you " " others on this site.. I have no intention of hurting myself...just sucks I have to sell off my toys 79 z...bikes...etc...Really sucks I have to sleep on the couch tonight....wife in our bedroom and I will give her respect for the week end...both about children in their "leased" rooms...mom in my office with a pull out...and I guess either I'm on the couch or sleep on the weight lifting bench..,

I just tried to proof read this and wasn't able to...I asked the mods to delate this in the near future if I want do right know I need something...I'm ok being alone but it pisses me off...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Get some sleep, clear your head... talk in the morning.

We'll be here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

i too took a buyout from one of the big automakers.

Tried to retire. Cannot sit still for a minute. I worked another 15 years at various companies. Being a technical person, and friendly I had no problem job hopping. Lucky me. 

You do end up doing contract work when you go this route though! It was never for the money...always for the challenge. I fear no learning curve. I get along with white and blue collar types.

Have you considered getting another job? Beats drinking yourself into a stupor.

Leave your good wife alone. Do not heap crap on her. 

You are like room mates? How come?

Start chasing her around the dining room table again. Start romancing her again. 

Old women are great in bed once you get them wound up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry, I'm not following why this is ending....


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, I'm not following why this is ending....


Wait until he sobers up and tries again...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry.

Sober up and post again please!

LOL! Been there brother!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, I'm not following why this is ending....


...because he's taking responsibility for everyone else but himself?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@ZedZ,

Get to a meeting this morning. No judgment. Everyone falls. 

This is something you deserve for yourself.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

You can't delete your threads and a moderator won't do it either.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Greetings....
No change today so far....just keeping my distance...elderly mother is busting my balls....


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, I'm not following why this is ending....



Seemed to grow apart to room mate status...I'm not willing to accept just being roommates...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So what are you going to do about it?

End it or eliminate the distractions and give it more attention?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stixx said:


> You can't delete your threads and a moderator won't do it either.




Yes they do. You have been here long enough to know that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ZedZ said:


> Seemed to grow apart to room mate status...I'm not willing to accept just being roommates...




Do you understand your role in making that happen or it is all your wife's fault?


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Yes they do. You have been here long enough to know that.


And you say this because................................


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Do you understand your role in making that happen or it is all your wife's fault?


Yes...of course I understand my role in all of this....I am the one that no longer wants to live like this...I'm fairly sure if I didn't bring it up it would of been sweep under the rug....and life would just continue on... I'm no longer willing to accept that...I'm kind of pissed with the lack of support here...it may just be me...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ZedZ said:


> Yes...of course I understand my role in all of this....I am the one that no longer wants to live like this...I'm fairly sure if I didn't bring it up it would of been sweep under the rug....and life would just continue on... I'm no longer willing to accept that...I'm kind of pissed with the lack of support here...it may just be me...




Well maybe because your initial post was unclear as to what you want. 

The roommate thing is very common in long term marriages. 

Are you asking for advice in how to remedy that? Getting pissed at people trying to assist you is not helpful


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Not sure what I'm asking....even knowing the answer to my question (36.5 and my choice) still hurts...I don't want to come across as getting pissed....just kind of aggravated.. lots of things running thru my head....just glad I found this place and have an option...,


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Many of us in LTRs have found ourselves in similar situations. (Been there, went through the roommate thing) Forty plus years now, and loving it. 

You know what you won't accept. You need to decide what you want and what you'll do for it. It will have to include putting you and then your relationship first. Not your mom and kids. 

How long has it been where it's only about the two of you? 


Here read these first. They may help you chose. Get to a meeting too.

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

His Needs, Her Needs

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

we lost the empty nesters last August last...both kids "renters moved back within a month of each other last summere....I had to move my mom in Jan 2017...had no choice....no doubt I'm aggravated right now....I pushed for an answer ...I got it....and not willing to accept right now... will have to but nit right this moment... the more I re read this I think I'm completely ****ed up...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I know what the term "roommates" means, but what does "roommates" mean to you in your relationship... for some it is all else but sex ignoring all the intimacy around them but the physical of varying levels, but thought that without the PIV there is no love... for others it is two entirely separate lives in different beds that intermix maybe for a meal of two through the day/week and that's it.

What does your day/week/month/year as a roommate look like?


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

no piv...seems like we can't talk to each other...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Without sarcasm... Do you think she likes to live this way either? 

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

ZedZ said:


> no piv...seems like we can't talk to each other...


What is(are) her love language(s)?

I would guess your's is physical touch... do you have another?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Zed, if you are a member of AA and had alcoholism as you have alluded to in previous posts, are there issues surrounding that? Usually when someone eventually works up the courage to go to Al-Anon as your wife did it means things are very bad at home. Your wife may be thinking along the lines that she kept the family together, took care of things while you are buried in a bottle, now you are making demands for some 'loving.' However, you have failed to see that your behaviour has trampled over her for years and that is the one thing you are not going to get because she is resentful.
How do I know, because I am married to a RA who put me and the kids through alot of ****. We have an active sex life as he has done it all, gone to individual counselling, therapy, hypnosis, and marriage courses and marriage counselling. 

He is still sober over a year later but knows that the deal breaker is going back to the bottle. We too are empty nesters, sex is good because I like sex and my christian faith has taught me that men are so different from women in this regard, if I withhold it's like him withholding conversation and affection from me and I cannot imagine anything worse.

I also think all the people in the house has frustrated your view of your future, with your wife. You should not use your wife and lack of sex as the scapegoat. You will probably end up living alone taking care of your mother, is that what you really want?

However, I understand where your wife is coming from, she has to heal, get therapy, you do too, it is not enough to stop drinking, you may not realize it but you have left a swathe of damage behind you, which is often difficult to repair.

So my question to you is, what have you done to work on yourself? If you leave now without having worked on yourself those issues will come back to haunt you.
What have you done to help her heal from the devastation your alcoholism wrought?
What do you do daily to show you love her, do you know what her emotional needs are?
Marriage is not just about you, now you have to do the heavy lifting, it is possible, if you put your mind to it and you could have an awesome marriage into your retirement years


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

This is a really thought out good post.....I appreciate it...lots of truth in it... we talked about this (marriage) 4 months ago...roommate issues...agreed to work on it...(sober 16? months prior to her telling me she wanted a separation....) I agree it was toxic at times....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Exactly what in your life is FUN?
You've got a sick mother and two grown people living in your house. 
You ar mad at your wife?

Did she move her sick mother in?

You are a recovering alcoholic with a sudden career loss, both grown kids moving back home----and you're thinking of divorcing the only thing I see that's good in your life?

You need to get away with your wife and start making being around YOU fun and e citing again.

You sound like you are really hard to live with to me. And until you get your wife happy to see you, glad she married you, and trusting you again, you aren't getting any sex. It's just how it is.

If you are just ready to leave after 37 years...,,,, your marriage is doomed. Prepare to be a retiree with nobody in a few years.

My advice: find a way to get some help with your mom and get your kids living on their own, and spend some time taking your wife on a fun trip and reconnecting.

You need a major 2x4 upside the head. Do you really think your wife should be happy? What are you willing to do to change both your lives.

For God's sake, man, you are supposed to be the leader in your family. Nobody is supposed to coddle you.


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