# "Good" Marriage--but not happy.



## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

Here's the thing: I love my wife, but I hate being married.

We live like brother and sister and she says she's happy with everything. She says, "We have a few small problems".

But that's not the issue, I simply wish to be free and independent. I have no delusions about being single with a hot sex life. I know where I stand on the dating pecking order.
I would never blame her or hurt her and I will be happy to make sure she is financially secure, I just want to be free and independent. 

I do want to pursue romance. I'm 56 and in very good shape, I'm often told I'm handsome and look 40, for what's that worth. But, still, I have no confidence that I'll be appealing on the dating scene. I have this nightmare of seeing myself sitting at the end of a bar creeping out younger women.

I've looked at dating sites and frankly, I'm very discouraged by what I see. Women close to my age are jaded and angry. I don't need that. Its rough out there and I don't want to end up feeling like an awkward teenager again. 

The bottom line is that I don't have the courage to tell my wife how I feel and see her hurt. The future looks bleak and I often think of just ending it all -- life is too damn long. 

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just want to vent.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? What would you be doing different with your life that you "can't" do now?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Is this your first marriage? Do you have children?


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

We've been married 27 years (first marriage).

"What would you be doing different with your life that you "can't" do now?" -----Good question.

I'm not sure, other than dating other women. I miss not having any new beginnings.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So do you lack intimacy with your wife or are you bored and just want a newer model?
In an ideal world what would you want from your wife? Or do you simply not want to be married so you can do what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So your reason for divorce is so you can screw around?


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

lancaster said:


> So your reason for divorce is so you can screw around?


No -- I want a divorce so I can be even more celibate than I am now.

What do you think?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried dating your wife?

C


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So do you lack intimacy with your wife or are you bored and just want a newer model?
> In an ideal world what would you want from your wife? Or do you simply not want to be married so you can do what you want?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage means a loss of individuality, to an extent. Some people are fine with that, but for me, as time has gone on, I just want to be free and independent without having to run everything through another person first. 

We don't like the same things and I don't feel like putting what I like aside anymore.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

lancaster said:


> So your reason for divorce is so you can screw around?


Crass and very unhelpful response. This guy is here to discuss a serious thought process he's going through, and you simply paint him as some sex-hungry hound who just wants out to have sex with someone else. Missing "new beginnings" is a very common feeling, but that doesn't nearly imply that the sole reason he's unhappy is that he can't take a Hooters waitress home.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

WillinTampa said:


> Marriage means a loss of individuality, to an extent. Some people are fine with that, but for me, as time has gone on, I just want to be free and independent without having to run everything through another person first.
> 
> We don't like the same things and I don't feel like putting what I like aside anymore.


Will... could have been my ex-wife who said that, right before she left me.

Truth be said, I may have deserved a wake-up call, being too much invested in work, making money and everyday life... in spite of things like common friends, horses and (lots of) travel w/ or w/o kids we both enjoyed.

Like you, she couldn't even answer the question of what she wanted exactly that she couldn't do while married... I'm an easy going person, not overly jealous, so she could do whatever she wanted to really without me also (well to a certain extent, you know what I mean).

Maybe I was too easy going. Not enough drama. 

She felt she needed something entirely new also, just like quite a few of her girlfriends.

Is she happier now? She just looks exhausted to me. The grass on the other side seems to suck up a whole lot of energy, without me backing her up in all kinds of ways.

So think very hard before you decide to leave Will. I reckon you're truly unhappy now, but you think it's your wife or your marriage that makes you so... are you sure this is the case?

So what if you two like certain different things... does that prevent you from doing them and make yourselves happy?

Think about what you really want. More specific then "something new". Is that impossible to accomplish while staying faithful to / not leaving your wife? 

And by all means, talk to her about what you would like different. Hell, she might even want to join you.

Best wishes.

EP.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you tried dating your wife?
> 
> C


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

WillinTampa

You love your wife
You want to be free and independent
You are 56 and in very good shape, often told you are handsome and look 40
You have this nightmare of seeing yourself sitting at the end of a bar creeping out younger women
You do not know what you would be doing different with your life that you cannot do now
You miss not having any new beginning


The first thing that I would advice is that you get into to see a good therapist
You seem to be desperate to be young again and date other women

Hey amigo! you are 56 years old! Accept the change in age and circumstances because you cannot be in your teens or 20s again. *Face reality and forget your impossible fantasy and accept the good that you have*. You have a good wife and good health.

Unless you have left out something, I see no reason to be so depressed other than you want to be young again.


Get a therapist or someone o help you with what is going on with and you need someone to help you grow up a little more.


PS
I am older than 56


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Counterfit said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


I'm glad you found that funny, but it wasn't meant as a joke.

Since leaving my marriage, I've been struck with the difference between being married to someone and dating someone. How much more effort we put into a new partner's pleasure, interests, feelings, etc, and how with an "old" partner, it's sweats and t-shirts at home, all conversations are about the kids, etc. It's no wonder people "fall out of love" after 20+ years.

So what I'm suggesting he do is spend the time and effort he'd put in a new relationship into that with his wife.

C


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> WillinTampa
> 
> You love your wife
> You want to be free and independent
> ...


Mr. Blunt,

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

However, telling myself that I have no right to be depressed and accepting unhappiness is called:

"Marriage".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have a good woman and you are "unhappy"? Lose your good wife and see how you feel! Figure out some new moves to try on your wife in all aspects. I'll bet with a little effort you can find some things out about her that will be pretty darned exciting. A good woman is incredibly hard to find!
Hang on for dear life......


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> You have a good woman and you are "unhappy"? Lose your good wife and see how you feel! Figure out some new moves to try on your wife in all aspects. I'll bet with a little effort you can find some things out about her that will be pretty darned exciting. A good woman is incredibly hard to find!
> Hang on for dear life......


Actually, a good woman is impossible to find. I've looked at what's out there and its pretty depressing.

I'm not looking to replace her, find someone new, be young again, bla,bla,bla...I'm too old for romance and love . Love for me has always been painful and unrequited. I believe "love" is just biochemistry mixed with physiological needs.

(look up limerence)

We got married because it seemed the practical thing to do at the time. All of our friends were married.

I just hate being married. No matter how good she is, I don't need to be shackled to a sister substitute.

My problem is that I want out but I don't want to hurt her --she's happy (at least that's what she says, I'm not.


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