# Ladies, What do you need in terms of Emotional Support?



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think I get it...just want first hand accounts of what the term
Emotional Support means in day to day interactions. Is it a
requirement in your spouse?

Can you define it so a male 5th grader would understand it please?

Thanks T2FO


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PERFECT! I teach 5th grade.

Emotional support to me isn't daily. 

Daily, I want a friend. A REAL friend. Text me little silly texts once in a while about stupid things happening in your world. Connection. In the morning, chat with me in the bathroom a bit. not a lot, cause we're both not morning people, but make a connection. Hug and kiss me before you go to work. Come home and chill with me...don't even need to say anything...just chill. Or tell me you need some time to unwind--- give me a hug and take your moments. Hold my hand while we sit on the couch. Include me in your life, random thoughts, etc. Friendship. Connection other than about house stuff/bills/etc. 

For emotional support, I need someone to listen when I talk and not feel responsible for my anger/sadness/etc. I try to make that clear, that I just need to vent, so please don't get offended when I vent, and please don't think I'm angry at you  In fact, get angry along with me for a moment and help me tell my issue to EFF OFF! lollll Then offer some advice if I ask, but usually, venting is enough for me and I promise not to take up more than 30 minutes of our time at home. Mirror my emotions for just a moment and allow me to vent...that's when I'll figure out my own problem and then thank you for listening.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Generally women get emotional support from many places... their Mom, maybe sisters, their girlfriends, to some extent their grown daughters. As for me, I am not close with my Mom, no sisters, and I simply enjoy my husband more so than my girlfriends, though they are wonderful too, HE has always been my best friend. I go to him 1st if I am feeling down- about anything & everything. I don't really want anyone else, and he is very receptive of my needing to talk, vent , and would drop anything for me--Even more than I would have him drop! We don't do texts, I don't bother him at work, it could be distracting to him. I only call if an emergency, If I break down, or to get an important message about plans changing. 


The *thought *and *heart *is there --and THIS is what gives me that "peace". He does not make me feel "brushed off", less important than anything else going in his life, our life, that doesn't mean I need his every moment. 

BUt when I am down..... I NEED him to listen, to HEAR me, to give me TIME , to talk things out with me. His hugging me, touching me, holding me during all of this just makes it all the more fullfilling to the soul & somehow just LIFTS my cares/worries right off of me. He does all he can do- and with a loving attitude, not like he is trying to get away or he has more pressing things to do, places to be, etc. 

Thankfully I do not get "down" too much at all these days. When I couldn't conceive it was ALOT more, those were our HARDEST times. I was sad AND angry, even a basketcase at times, he had his hands full with me. That was a good 18 yrs ago now. 

It is THE KNOWING in our hearts, the Feeling that our husbands has our backs, we are his #1 concern -along with the kids of coarse -this keeps us at peace, floods our beings. To know that if we cry out for him, he WILL be there, if at all humanly possible. He won't belittle me or call me needy or anything like that. 

I do not feel I am a "needy" woman because he satisfys this craving within me and he never makes me feel that way.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks,

I pretty much felt that was it... I pretty much do most all that with my wife. As far as not solving her issues but just validating her feelings. I'm as steady as they come and anything she asks of me I do and prioritize it. She knows I'll do anything she asks without complaints. Sadly we just don't hug enough once in a while I get in a comforting hug for her in but usually they are just random hugs. My wife doesn't appear too vulnerable...shes a tomboy at heart not a typical girly girl shes pretty grounded. We do text back and forth but our work schedules are so out of balance. I do believe I'm her best friend however she just isn't sexual right now with me  

Any thoughts ladies? Is there more I should be doing emotionally for her? As we reconnect?


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Is there more I should be doing emotionally for her? As we reconnect?


TFO...

Patience, man.

You're doing the 180, right? (at least for the last few hours) Stop trying to do things for her and focus on doing things for _you_.

You have to let go of the idea that you can fix this. Focus on yourself, and stop with all the planning/worrying/fixing/talking.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OOE said:


> TFO...
> 
> Patience, man.
> 
> ...


Just doing research... lol


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A couple quick observations based on what I have seen:
1. Half the time your W doesn't say thank you when you do nice things for her. 
2. You are already worrying about what "she" wants/wanted emotionally 2 years into a sexless marriage and ONE day into what you are calling a 180
3. You have talked about how everything will be "great/wonderful" come November when you two resume having sex. You have been saying this for quite some time now. 

There is a reason for (1). Because you are doing "too much" for your W and instead of those acts coming across as "I love you", they come across to her as "Do you love me"? And that seems insecure and weak to her and those qualities KILL desire. Now you are going from doing too much - which she didn't really like - hence the lack of "thank yous" to a 180 because you are angry and hurt. Crowding her by constantly trying to "fix" the marriage has only shut her desire down more. 


You were so over the top about how November was going to be great. The thing is I think you TALK to your W a LOT. And I believe you listen when she talks about her day and that you are supportive. I also believe you were too afraid to ever really ask her some serious and scary questions about your marriage. 

I don't think you ever asked your W: "Are you committed to this marriage? Do you truly still want to be married to me?"

Because that conversation - if she says "Yes" to those questions, leads quickly to:
1. I don't feel loved without a physical aspect to the marriage 
2. If you don't love me enough to want to make me happy sexually, how do you believe this marriage can survive?
3. I need to know WHEN you intend to demonstrate that you care about how I FEEL by making an effort to resume our love life. 

And then you give her space to breath, to decide and you steadily deprioritize her so she can see you MEAN it. Because your biggest issue is that your bold statements and your real world actions do NOT align. And she will NEVER respect tough talk that is always followed by fearful requests for her to forgive you. 

I hate to say this - but if my W crowded me like you are crowding yours it would KILL my desire for her. And if I crowded her that way she would biatch slap me into the next state. 

Just sayin.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Just doing research... lol


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> A couple quick observations based on what I have seen:
> 1. Half the time your W doesn't say thank you when you do nice things for her.
> 2. You are already worrying about what "she" wants/wanted emotionally 2 years into a sexless marriage and ONE day into what you are calling a 180
> 3. You have talked about how everything will be "great/wonderful" come November when you two resume having sex. You have been saying this for quite some time now.
> ...


Mem... 

I will respond. First thank you.

Now,

I think you have a slightly distorted view of what has been going on.. so let me clarify.

There was a six month period where it was essentially go with the flow "better man" type stuff. I'm not buying her flowers all the time just occasionally. I'm not following her around like a puppy dog saying "Do you love me?" I stopped saying or writing ILY months ago so in many ways I've done a lot of the 180 steps already. During that six months it was very cool temp on my part just trying to see what changes would happen.

Then we got into a conversation and I noticed it was all the same old stuff. Plus it had beEn going on another three month period sans sex. So I decided to try a different approach.

I pretty much told her talking was over. We heard each other and need to figure out if we are moving closed or further apart to divorce and left it hanging.

Then I read NMMNG and say the celibacy test. I decided to try that and guess what it worked. Some of her "wall" came down and I wasn't acting any different still doing just over 1/2 of the housework, upbeat and happy.

Then she disrespected me and gave me an opportunity to throw some reality check her way and restate my sexual desire level that I thought was middle of our frequency. Left that hanging.

Now I did a 180 due to lack of results in my mind this weekend we should have gotten busy. 

Yes I have asked her if she is committed to our marriage about 1.5 years ago...the answer was Yes most definitely. 

If she comes to me to talk i can ask her again... pretty sure the same answer. Although I like the follow ups.

I'm cutting out the extra nice stuff as part of the 180. As that might have been too much
based on her return.

I still think its working just taking a bit longer than I thought.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, I pretty much need it daily. 

My husband is my best friend. He sits and listens to me with his full attention and responds when I'm talking to him. He tells me his most inner dreams and desires frequently. My husband is very kind and caring. He always puts my needs before his. He helps out with a positive attitude whatever I ask him to help. Most importantly my husband is very affocinate with me, which I need. He takes time every night without the kids interrupting to talk, hold hands and snuggle with me. My husband is always upbeat and happy/smiling everyday through out the day. We all love it when he is home and were together. My husband never turns me down ever when I initiate, even if it's everyday. He says "I love you" everyday.

We never argue. In the last 13 years, he has never raised his voice towards me. We have been married 12 wonderful years. Neither one of us ever nag at one another. It's amazing how well we get along day after day. We are never annoyed with each other. I'm the luckiest woman to have him as my husband. My husband puts a lot of effort in our marriage and raising our children. I do let him know how much I appreciate everything he does for the kids and I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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