# Am I going overboard? Driving me crazy...



## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

***WARNING, some graphic detail below****

I've been married for 17 years, and have known my wife for close to 23 years. We have two kids, a 13 year old and a 5 year old.

My wife has always been flirty with men, and I've learned to live with it / cope by occasionally joking about all her boyfriends. My wife would always get defensive and put it back on me if I ever commented on this.

Sex has never been more than a couple times a month (more would be better) but in the last couple of years has trickled down to near single digits per year. Recently she told me not to initiate it and that she would come to me when she wants it. I have a high sex drive and would have it every day if I could.

About a year ago, I was looking for something in my wife's dresser drawer and found a number of sex toys (dildo / vibrator etc) and some lubricant. I found it surprising that she needed / wanted them considering her apparent (and stated) low sex drive (at least towards me). We discussed it she mentioned she had needs during the day and enjoyed private play. After stressing that I'd be there in a second if she wanted sex (all she had to do was call)...I let it go.

Last week, again looking for something, I came across a bag with an opened box of condoms (about 5 missing) stuffed into the back of the closet, and a bloody and yellow stained towel / rag. Sorry for the graphic detail, but the towel also has some public hairs on it. I had a vasectomy over 2 years ago so we don't need condoms for birth control. There was also a receipt in the bag indicating the condoms had been purchased in another city - AND when my wife and I were out of country on vacation.

This made me dig further; I found a second box of opened condoms in the closet that I didn't buy (again about 5 missing). I also found new sex toys - another vibrator and a mini whip.

By this point I couldn't take much more I had to confront my wife. She knew I was acting bizarrely as well and asked me what was going on. She denied repeatedly having sex with anyone other than me in the marriage. She stated that she uses the condoms on the dildo for lubrication / keep the dildo from getting messy (she tends to bleed a bit from time to time). The out of town condoms she claims a female neighbor next door bought them for her because she was too embarrassed. She bought the second box after she was more comfortable. The towel she uses for clean up after using the dildo. She wanted the towel back right away and I refused because her anxiousness to get the towel back didn't make sense if she was innocent. This angered her further.

I want to believe her but this story seems over the top. In any case, I've seized the towel, and I'm going to have it tested for traces of semen. She is now threatening divorce if I don't drop this....I'm treading a fine line. She feels I'm insecure. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

At the same time I can't stand thinking that she has been putting out to someone else while I was starving for affection and understanding / tolerating her low sex drive. I need to know the truth.

Thoughts / Advice - its been 4 days since my discovery....I'm dreading the day the semen kit comes / but also looking forward to ruling something in / out and moving on.

PS. My wife has been a stay at home Mom until last year when my daughter started full day kindergarten. She works 1 hour a day every other week so she has ample opportunity to cheat if she wanted too.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I'd bet a paycheck those condoms were for a man.

You need to pull the cell-phone records, and get her email and facebook passwords tonight, period.

Sorry to hear your wife is being unfaithful. You came to the right place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. Go buy one and some velcrow tape and tape under her seat. Actually buy 2 and plant one in the bedroom.

I would even get a pen cam and plant it in the bedroom.

This spy gear will confirm her story...or not!

What other red flags do you have like guarding her cell and staying out late with her girl friends?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

You may want to purchase a few voice activated recorders and stash them around your house, I suggest installing a keylogger on your computer(it's not hard).

Do you and your wife have separate computers, and does she have a smartphone or her own cell phone?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

EatingMeAlive said:


> I've been married for 17 years, and have known her for close to 23 years. We have two kids, a 13 year old and a 5 year old.
> 
> My wife has always been flirty with men, and I've learned to live with it / cope by occasionally joking about all her boyfriends.
> 
> ...


Get the towel tested for semen. My guess it she doesn't want you to test for semen. You can get test kits at he drug store. Alot of them turn purple for positive. I'd buy two different brands and test with both.

The condom could be valid. I see alot of people use them on sex toy so you don't have to wash them so much. But the fact that she's so worried about the towel makes me wonder. 

You might have spooked her with the early confrontation. Put a VAR in the bedroom to hear if she's actually using the toys. If you don't hear anything after a week, or two i If you don't hear her using the sex toys, then I think it's a safe bet that she's having an affair. Because If she said she uses them on a regular basis, it's doubtful that she's stop just because you asked her about it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

There is no question your wife is adulterating. 

You can divorce her now, you know what she's been doing.

If you prefer not to divorce her, you can read her the riot act, but she'll probably take it underground. If you think she's doing that you can divorce her.

If you want to stop her from going underground and you want to reconcile, apologize to her, tell her you've been under a lot of stress at work and it's getting the best of you. Be cool and lay low and start the surveillance.

Hidden cam in the bedroom, VAR in car, GPS her car. Keylog her computer. It may take a while for her to start up again since you blew your cover.

While you wait for something to happen, get this book, Married Man Sex Life Primer, and read it tonight. It's about how women lose attraction for men over time and how you can maintain it. Once you read it, you'll understand how you got here.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

i cant see why there would be that much of a mess from getting off really. Ive never heard of a woman using protection on a piece of plastic. These excuses sound weak. U did the right thing to keep the towel to get tested. R the pubes def ur wife's or diff hair colour? I'd be worried if I were u. Wonder if u can get any info from the neighbour?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"Recently she told me not to initiate it and that she would come to me when she wants it."

When she wants it.

A dildo can't always give her what she wants. So if a spouse isn't having sex with you, he/she's getting it from somewhere else. That's the end of story without any and all discussion.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> "Recently she told me not to initiate it and that she would come to me when she wants it."
> 
> When she wants it.
> 
> A dildo can't always give her what she wants. So if a spouse isn't having sex with you, *he/she's getting it from somewhere else. *That's the end of story without any and all discussion.


Not always true; not if he/she doesn't have a high sex drive.

... in this case though, yes, I am nearly certain she is having an affair. 

Why the two boxes of condoms? Both with some missing? If she had a box bought by a neighbor (yeah, right) and she hadn't used them all, why go into the second box? My guess, someone brought it over and/or she had the opportunity to have sex when she wasn't in the house and bought some to use then.

Why the whip? That is a toy used when another person is present. I mean I guess it could be used solo but I doubt it.

Like some others, including you, the real trigger is her anxiety over the towel. No need to get anxious if she is being honest.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You've already gotten good advice.

Her story is a lie.

Threatening divorce because you want to do a test that will turn up nothing and prove her honesty is possibly the hugest red flag of all to me. You would think she would want you to do it to prove her right.

Put a voice-activated recorder in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not home and also one in her car. You should find out what's going on within a week or two.

Putting gps on the car and keylogging the computer are good if you can do them.

Your wife is lying to you but telling you a story that is rather far-fetched. 

She would tell her friend about her need to buy condoms for her toys, but not you? She does not have sex with you, but uses toys instead? Flirting with other men the entire length of your marriage? THIS ALONE, WITHOUT ANY CHEATING, ALREADY IS UNACCEPTABLE AND MUST STOP.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

She's lying 100%. 

Her neighbour bought condoms because she was "embarrassed"? Come on.. She's not a teenager. 

The towel rag. I'm guessing a man is involved in this. Why would she threaten something so huge like DIVORCE over something like this? Her stories don't add up.

She's been getting away with things for waaaay too long!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks for all the feedback, I needed to hear some alternate points of view - any of you women? My wife is making it out that I'm controlling / paranoid but I think I'm being pretty rational given the outrageous nature of her story. 

Hard say if I'll find anything on the sex rag...if they've been using condoms perhaps not...but people get sloppy. I also have the pubic hairs that I can check out if I want to take it as far as DNA testing.

Some of you asked about the whip...she said it had not been used (it and the new vibe were still in the bag from the store) and would start telling me about toys from now on. She did say she felt too self conscious to use the dildo in front of me.

I'm thinking the only reason she's not admitting it is because she doesn't want all the gory details to get out...she's obviously not happy in her life with me. I'm in data collection mode and believe me it will get out if I find something concrete. The VARs are a great idea and I've already got a plan re GPS tracking.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EatingMeAlive said:


> I also found new sex toys - another vibrator and a mini whip.


Which is a big hole in her story right there. A big one. What is her explanation for the whip? Use on herself?? Since she initiates sex so seldom, it's very unlikely she was saving it for a surprise for you.

My guess off the top of my head is that she has certain fantasies involving S&M (did she just read _Fifty Shades of Grey_...?) that's she's unwilling/ashamed to share with you. So she found someone else to explore these fantasies with. 



> The out of town condoms she claims a female neighbor next door bought them for her because she was too embarrassed.


It wouldn't hurt to ask the neighbor if that is true. Although if your wife and the neighbor are good friends, they might have already gotten their stories on the same page.



> I've seized the towel, and I'm going to have it tested for traces of semen.


Here's where I do think you are overreacting. There's no point in testing the towel for semen. Her story doesn't make sense, and even if the towel came up clean for semen, I still wouldn't believe her. So what's the point?



> She is now threatening divorce if I don't drop this....I'm treading a fine line. She feels I'm insecure. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach


Threatening divorce?? :lol: She's already giving you nearly zero sex and intimacy as it is. That's like threatening to take away the keys to the car, when the gas tank is empty anyway. 

Of course you feel insecure/punched in the gut. Having a spouse sleeping with someone else is bad enough - it adds insult to injury if she was refusing to have sex with you. If your sex life has gone into single digits in a year, you have plenty of reason to divorce even without evidence of cheating. 

In the current environment, it's impossible for you to trust her, and while I'm a big fan of reconciliation, that can't even get started until she decides to come clean. Not just with her affair, but with her fantasies as well.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I think in those circumstances I would invite her to file, as a way to call her bluff and bring her to her senses.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She's threatening you with divorce bc she senses weakness and desperation in you.

In the past, she flirted openly with other guys while you played the fool. That lost you respect in her eyes. She cut you off sexually and again, you just threatened to hold your breath until you turned blue.

So it's no wonder that she sees your current actions as more "hold my breath" threats. Unless you are prepared to change you outlook and prepared to end this one-sided marriage you will continue to have no respect from her.

BTW IMO she's has an exciting and fulfillng sex life. With someone else more than likely.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Why would she keep the first lot of condom in a different place from the first lot of toys and lubricant? If she used them together she would keep the, together.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

EatingMeAlive said:


> My wife is making it out that I'm *controlling / paranoid* but I think I'm being pretty rational given the outrageous nature of her story.


She's gaslighting you. She means: Back off, don't investigate further. I'm going to throw this back at you in the vain hope this can all blow over.

If the towel was so innocent she wouldn't have such an attachment to it. She'd just use another one.



> Some of you asked about the whip...she said it had not been used


I bet that wasn't a direct answer to your question. She tells you the truth about a question you didn't pose. Was she intending to use it on herself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's a different take on this. One your 'wife' will not like.

OK... So your wife has not got a boyfriend. Let's accept that proposition, shall we? 

But my response to that is So f...ing what? 

She rejects sexual advances from you, her husband. Using her claimed LD as an excuse.

Yet you know this is bogus as she IS having sex with sex toys.

So she is cheating on you, only not with a human. Ask her if she accepts this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Of course your wife is cheating. But let's for arguments sake say that all the things you found were just for her self pleasure. Does that really make it any better ? You state that you have a high sex drive, and she has basically stopped having sex with you (you stated a few times yearly). 

File for D. Then she will have to actually get a FULL TIME JOB ! Eventually you will meet another woman and be happier and have a regular sex life as well.

She has used you has a provider and not true marital partner.


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## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

Update: Wife came downstairs this morning, all nicey-nicey (puke). I'm going to play it cool and continue to gather evidence. In some ways I wish I hadn't confronted her but it was too much to keep inside.....its done now I guess.

In the interim, I'm also going to pursue the - drop the toys - use me as your toy (or else) suggestion posted earlier. May as well get some sex for a change. Did I mention after the confrontation we had sex? lol

Suspect our R is heading to big D at some point if she is guilty of cheating.....perhaps not right away or even in a few months but if she did cheat I want to get rid of her because I'll never trust her again. I'll time big D to my advantage - or at least thats how I feel right now. She only has the part time work as I mentioned so big D at this point would be financially ruinous for both (more for me!). 

I suspect she is trying to smooth things over to preserve her quality of life (and that of our children) by avoiding the divorce.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

EatingMeAlive said:


> Update: Wife came downstairs this morning, all nicey-nicey (puke). I'm going to play it cool and continue to gather evidence. In some ways I wish I hadn't confronted her but it was too much to keep inside.....its done now I guess.
> 
> In the interim, I'm also going to pursue the - drop the toys - *use me as your toy (or else) suggestion posted earlier.* May as well get some sex for a change. Did I mention after the confrontation we had sex? lol
> 
> ...


Let's hope. that if she is cheating, that she used a condom, EVERY time. You should get an STD test.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Think the guys here are pretty unanimous. There is an issue here of some nature.
yes condoms used on a sex toy is possible and she says its for cleanlines, so why leave a used towel that has signs of blood on it to be use again later? Surely this will transfer germs to her by cross contamination. As highlighted the threat of divorce seems to be sabour shaking and seems to be a way of placing you under threat of the consiquences of looking in to this further. 
Stating she'll come to you when she wants sex, yet shes the one with-holding and then admits to using sex toys for satisfaction....
Id say here only as a thought. Most here feel the condoms are from a male. Is there just a chance that there is a female involved here and not a male. You may test the towel and find a nil response to semem, but if your W is having high jinks with another woman then its not going to show and the condom/toy story (sorry no pun intended) may be true but with a twist in the tail...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Be careful! She might be looking to blindside you by going for a divorce herself! Protect yourself and your children!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Be careful! She might be looking to blindside you by going for a divorce herself! Protect yourself and your children!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^ This.

"Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

To lay it out there, here is what I think has been going on in your 17 year marriage.

Got married. Wife has naturally outgoing personality, and is a harmless flirt.
As time goes by, she sees that you don't confront her when she flirts - even jokes about it .
She begins to push the envelope more and more - what will my husband let me get away with?
You accept her flirting, she keeps doing it, and now she starts getting "solicited".
Maybe while she's being solicited, she is soliciting too.
She cheats with a guy - probably around year 7 - 10 of the marriage, and you have no idea it happened.
It was probably something short term - maybe ONS - and she probably has occasional cheating incidents from time to time.
As the years pass, she probably gets more bold and starts cheating more - but not enough to seriously crimp your bedroom activities. Edit: wait, 1 - 2 times a month IS crimping the bedroom activities. Maybe the timeline gets set back earlier.
Things snowball out of control, and she's now a raging ball of hormones...but she wants NOTHING to do with you since she lost ALL respect for you over time.

That's my guess. The alternative idea is that the so called "50 shades" revolution hit your wife and she ran with it. I'm more inclined to believe that this has been an ongoing thing with her for awhile though, and that she has been intimate with multiple men in your marriage.

Best advice that I think will help you: WHEN you divorce and you meet someone new, lay out some clear cut boundaries from the start (no flirting with men, period!), insist on full 100% transparency between the two of you, spend time together and regularly "date" her, don't try to do "everything" for her, maintain your self respect and make sure you give her respect. As you dig, I don't think you are going to find much of a reason to stay with her. Surely the defensiveness she exhibited when you joked about her "boyfriends" hit too close to home, right?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> I suspect she is trying to smooth things over to preserve her quality of life (and that of our children) by avoiding the divorce.


:iagree: This is *exactly* what she is doing ! Classic cake eater. You deserve better.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

She was embarassed so she asked a neighbor to buy condoms to put on her sex toy to masturbate with? I have a much more logical explanation: while you were out of town your wife and neighbor had a water ballon contest to that got a little out of hand. In the end they ran out of water baloons so the neighbor switched to condoms. One hit your wife really hard, causing her to bleed, thus the bloody towel. In the end they all felt silly and the neighbor forgot the condoms, so your wife brought them home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this, female perspective here, I don't by the condom for the sex toy story. Also, why keep a dirty rag with the evicence? My theory is that they got interrupted and cleaned up and just hid the rag instead of putting it in the washer. I also agree that no toy replaces that one on one contact. I think it's also very cruel to ask you to stop initiating and admit she is using her toys. Has she mentioned anyone name lately? Male or female, sometimes they will speak highy of the AP or the oppisite I'm not attracted to so and so. Ask your kids discretely if anyone has been coming over. Start looking computer, phone, car, under the bed, closets, laundry room. Places you normally don't hang out it in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Too embarrassed to buy condoms....I wonder who bought all the sex toys she uses them on!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op her story does not add up at all. Who did buy the sex toys. I would think that would be more embarrassing than a box of condoms. Asking someone else to buy condoms for the sex toys. Also makes no sense. I would test the towel. If positive you have an answer now. If negative you need to keep looking. If she understands the financial impact of D as you have laid it out for both of. Then she is bluffing on her threat to file in an attempt to make you back off. Expect more sex in your immediate future as she tries to confuse you and keep you happy. It won't last though and you will be back to a sexless marriage while she is using condoms
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you done anything about looking into her phone records yet?

C


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Too embarrassed to buy condoms....I wonder who bought all the sex toys she uses them on!


Let me explain, the other day this leprechaun riding a unicorn.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The advice is, as always, spot on.

Have a good, long, think about if you want to save this "marriage" or not.

Your wife right now will be feeling 3 things:

Panic: You "nearly" caught her. She will think she has gotten away with it, but she will now be much more careful. As someone else mentioned, the rag is obviously from an interrupted session and hastily stashed and forgotten about. She has probably been getting off on nearly being caught in the past. Leaving the toys where they can be found is a symptom of wanting to get "nearly" caught. It increases the thrill and demeans you further.

Relief: She will have discussed this with the posom and he will have calmed her down. She does think she has gotten away with it. "Yeah, the idiot nearly caught me, but I... calmed him down; I'll be more careful. Phew. We can still play hide Mr Wobbly head. How you fixed tomorrow at 11am? I am SOO stressed and horny right now".

Hope: She wants you to catch her. To show that you care enough to stand your ground and show that she is "yours" - just as you are "hers". She is hoping that you will cause a scene. Find the OM. Show him that you care enough about her to "take her back" from the OM. She married YOU for a reason. 

You just raised the stakes on the last one, she has to raise her game now and make it far harder for you to catch her at it. If she doesn't, it's too easy and you haven't really proved anything if you do catch her.

Get busy looking placated and get busy with surveillance. DO IT NOW. Don't order a VAR from China or plan to buy one next trip to Walmart. Get several and get them TODAY. This is the most important thing that ever happened in your life and it is happening NOW.

Get that rag tested for sperm TODAY. There is nothing to stop you except the fear of confirmation.

Accept that the next few months and more likely years your life is going to change beyond all recognition and it is about to hurt like nothing you ever imagined, but doing nothing is just deferring the inevitable and, right now, you can save this if you want to.

Give yourself the choice of saving your marriage. Don't give her the luxury of having a choice. It is all yours to take right now.

Good luck and please keep posting. I wish I had found this site when I was at the same stage as you are at right now. 

Take advantage of the edge you have of the amazing advice you will get on here!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Too embarrassed to buy condoms....I wonder who bought all the sex toys she uses them on!


Hmm. Can just picture the sceanrio:

Wife: Hi neighbour! Could you please buy me some condoms. I'm too embarassed.
Neighbour : Why don't you ask your husband?
Wife : Well, they're not for him... they're for my sex toys


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Of course there will be no sperm if the POSOM is really a POSOW. Has there ever been a hint that your wife might be gay or at least bi?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Of course there will be no sperm if the POSOM is really a POSOW. Has there ever been a hint that your wife might be gay or at least bi?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the condoms really went on the toy but she used it with another woman? I'll stick to occam's razor.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

How does she explain the whip? Does she use it on herself while she's masturbating? How many hands does she have?

Its all BS! I can see using the condom on the toys, not likely but I get that it is done by some. What I dont get is the hidden towel and her outrage over it, that says A LOT!!

What are you going to do when you get the test and find that it has semen on it?

She has it made, she isnt going to give that up easily, dont believe what she says cause she's going to fill you full of whatever she can to keep you off her trail.

Sorry you are here! 

BTW, Im a girl!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Let me explain, the other day this leprechaun riding a unicorn.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not riding in the "requires condoms" sense I hope.



OP, I am not being flippant about the sucky position you find yourself in. It's just that each time I read more posts, I think of something else where your wife's story seems unlikely.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> How does she explain the whip? Does she use it on herself while she's masturbating? How many hands does she have?
> 
> Its all BS! I can see using the condom on the toys, not likely but I get that it is done by some. What I dont get is the hidden towel and her outrage over it, that says A LOT!!
> 
> ...


The whip is explained easily. While the OP was away she converted to Shia Islam. The whip is for self flagellation on the holiday of Ashura.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't buy any ridiculous lies, attempts to gaslight you anymore.
Play dumb, accept the make up/pity sex and start snooping seriously: Phone bills, keylogger in the computer, spyware in the cell, VAR in the car, GPS, money flow... get intel as long in the past as you can.
Talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand. She's a skilled and determinated cheater and a bully. The only way is playing hard ball, calling her bluff.
It seems she's gone for ages, the hopes she reverses this are slim.

The alternative is to embrace the cucold/hotwife lifestyle.

I'm sorry man.


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## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

Ok....so to answer some of the questions from various folks:

- She claims to have purchased the toys after the request to the neighbour friend when she was more comfortable with this type of thing (apparently friends do things without asking questions).
- She claims to have purchased all the toys herself.
- I did ask her about the possibility that it was another female - she says no.
- She says she has not used the whip and is still not sure if she even wants to??? Why buy it? (she didn't have an answer for that).

So just this morning she asked if I was done going through her things. I lied and said yes (I hate doing this but in my case I think its justified and a risk I have to take for piece of mind). She maintains I'm not going to find anything because there is nothing to find and nothing happened other than self masturbation. 

I asked again, why not bring me in instead of the Dildo and she says that when the mood strikes her and I'm not around she wants it and can't wait for me to get home. I have to say I can relate to that (although if I had sex more often I wouldn't have to know).

As you can see, she has an answer for everything....I can't wait to test that towel to see whats on it.

Yes, I am taking various measures to keep an eye on this situation irregardless of what the semen detection test finds.

I also told her on no uncertain terms I won't be her cuckold. Now I'm going revert back to normal spouse mode, hopefully get some sympathy sex, and see what info is uncovered over the next while.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> As you can see, she has an answer for everything....I can't wait to test that towel to see whats on it.


Google gaslighting, just a few entries.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ask her how you masturbate with a whip?

The thing is, you don't need any more evidence. Your wife is cheating on you already. She is denying you her husband her sexuality. That is a grave betrayal of you that you have tolerated. You have no marriage with a wife masturbating to this extent while denying you sex.

The concept of another man can very likely be true. BUT: your problem is you are on defense when you should be on offense. You are getting threatend that she willl divorce you. She must be laughing about how weak you are. She gives you nothing and you are scared that she will divorce you. You need to be the one who stops tolerating this in a wife. 

I would tell her that these are your conditions for continuing in your marriage. 1. She has to communcate to you what her emotional needs are as a wife, and where you are failing to meet them as her husband. 2. You need a sexual marriage. 3. She has to take a lie decector test so you can be assured of her faithfulness. 4. no more flirtatios or frindhsip relationships with men.

If you can't stand up for a decent marriage and a decent wife, your wife will look for a man who can stand up for himself, whether or not she arleady found one is your secondary problem.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> Ok....so to answer some of the questions from various folks:
> 
> - She claims to have purchased the toys after the request to the neighbour friend when she was more comfortable with this type of thing (apparently friends do things without asking questions).
> - She claims to have purchased all the toys herself.
> ...


That's when the condoms likely come out...

Sympathy sex ? Until you value yourself she's not going to.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> Ok....so to answer some of the questions from various folks:
> 
> - She claims to have purchased the toys after the request to the neighbour friend when she was more comfortable with this type of thing (apparently friends do things without asking questions).
> - She claims to have purchased all the toys herself.
> ...


So she purchased all the toys herself once she got comfortable with that. The first lot of of condoms were purchased by a neighbour because she was too shy. Therefore most likely before the toys. 

So when wanting to experiment her first thought was to ask a neighbour to buy condoms, so that when she eventually worked up the courage to buy toys she could be ultra clean with them.

I remember playing this game.

Ok, do you need to know the truth for your own satisfaction, or do you live where cheating can affect her rights in case of divorce. If the latter, start taking legal advice on what proof is needed.

But if it is just for you, as you gather information, at some stage you must confront her. And when you do, only use part of what you know, and use what you hold back to validate the truth of what she says.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she suddenly gets the urge to have sex at -say- 2pm.

But she knows that by -say- 6pm when hubby gets back from work, the urge will be gone so she whips her toys out, has her fun and that's it? Really? 

Ask her how long she stays in the mood for sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

So you got the passwords to all her email, facebook, and went through her phone right?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Have you asked her which friend bought the condoms? Ask the friend yourself to verify this....before she can call and warn the friend of course, if she hasn't done so already.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I think that you've played your hand way to early. If she was cheating(and I think she was), she's not going to again for a while. At least until she either thinks you're over this and not paying attention, or she's going take it underground.

Either way, you've made it much more difficult for you to find out the truth. And she's certainly not going to tell you now, if there's anything more because she knows what you know and she won't confess to anything beyond that.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

EatingMeAlive said:


> She is now threatening divorce if I don't drop this....I'm treading a fine line.


I will never understand this way of thinking. She is hiding things, she is not being honest and at the worst she is cheating . . . so why weren't you the one throwing the D word around?

I would hazard a guess that your passive way of dealing with life (eg accepting that you only have s*x on her terms) is what is causing all of your current issues. She knows she can walk all over you with out any consequences therefore she has lost all respect for you.

The sooner you put your foot down, the sooner your marriage will improve! Women are not attracted to weakness!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She clearly thinks that you are an idiot. You will need to get tested for STD's. You may wish to contact an attorney just to understand your options. She is getting off humiliating and disrespecting you.


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## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

UPDATE: I've got them. Not going to get into the detail on the how or what I have, but I even surprisingly know who the OM is. Still bidding my time to gather more info, but its clearly the beginning of the end. Unfortunately it looks like two families are going to be destroyed.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Well done ! Do not stop until you have the answers that you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Be prepared for the confrontation because she will either cry and beg for forgiveness or turn into a total b!tch and demand that you drop it. When I confronted my wife I was expecting a total b!tch but I got the begging and pleading. Totally threw me off .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Sorry, man. I always hate to hear/see something like that. Infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen, and interspersed in that is 1.) Not having sex/getting affection from a spouse, while they're out giving it up somewhere else 2.) Saying that their lover is better than you at everything. Those two things right there would make the Statue of Liberty walk out of a marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If required this thread can be moved to the private section. A moderator can do this for you. Just ask them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just reading EatingmeAlive's update made my heart sink and begin hammering at the same time. I guess we're all feeling for you and what you are beginning to go through.

Please, keep posting updates. It is an insanely intense time and it can really help (it helped me although I found this place a little later than I would have liked).

Mattmatt: If it is moved would the OP still be able to access the thread - him being under 30 posts and all?


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## EatingMeAlive (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you to all who provided words of support - it really helps.

I'm all for moving the thread if I can still get at it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

EatingMeAlive said:


> UPDATE: I've got them. Not going to get into the detail on the how or what I have, but I even surprisingly know who the OM is. Still bidding my time to gather more info, but its clearly the beginning of the end. Unfortunately it looks like two families are going to be destroyed.


So, even after you confronted her with the what you had found already, she didn't even slow the affair down. Get ready because when you tell her you know, she's probably not going to cry and beg. She's more likely going to get p1ssed at you instead.

Get ass much hard proof as you can before yo confront. You don't want the OM con his wife into thinking it was less than it really is and not paying his dues to his BS.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Make sure you take care of your self while going through this.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

EMA sorry your worst fears are now true. No one wants anyone here to go through what you are about to, but nearly every one of us has. You are not alone.

When you get a moment, get the mods to move this thread to Private, and give us specifics on the intel you have right now and what your plan is going forward.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's immediately.
2. See an attorney immediately to understand your options.
3. Immediately get your finances in check.
4. Expose to everyone.

Your wife is a real piece of work.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry for the confirmation, but it does explain why her story didn't make any sense. Reading TAM will give the benefit of insight and painful lessons learned from the experiences of others who have been where you are now. Armed with the information you can learn here, you will be in a better position to move forward and find the best avenue for yourself to heal. The decision to R or D does not need to be made right away. Expect a load of BS from your wife as you confront her, note- that has been her approach so far.

Good Luck
WD


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> Ok....so to answer some of the questions from various folks:
> 
> - She claims to have purchased the toys after the request to the neighbour friend when she was more comfortable with this type of thing (apparently friends do things without asking questions).
> - She claims to have purchased all the toys herself.
> ...


K so she feels comfortable buying all forms of sex toys but not condoms?????? That's [email protected]#$ don't believe a word coming out of your wife's mouth I am willing to be money you had it right when you said she is just trying to maintain her quality of life. After all she has to have her cake.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

EatingMeAlive said:


> UPDATE: I've got them. Not going to get into the detail on the how or what I have, but I even surprisingly know who the OM is. Still biding my time to gather more info, but its clearly the beginning of the end. Unfortunately it looks like two families are going to be destroyed.


So it's the dad of one of your kids' friends?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Before you confront your Ww you may want to expose this to the OMW (other mans wife) first, show her the evidence then let the OMW confront OM and then Om most likely throw your wife under the bus to save his owm marriage.

See getting the OM out of the picture is half the battle.

Sometimes confronting your wife 1st give the Om time to do damage control so OM can save his marriage and still have your wife.

I strongly suggest you expose this affair to OMW before you confront your own WW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The tactic I mention works good, it shows your wife that she is now dealing with a new and different man here....some one that doesn't need to ask question and look for an excuse from her.

It shows your wife how confident you are and letting her go and no longer willing to negotiate with someone that has been used as a doormat (you you) for way to long!

See, when you now longer are working with her in the disicions you are making and even better is you are now talking to some other chick. It will show her a man that is no longer controled..Your wife will see that her puppet is no longer around to manipulate and laugh at as she spreads her self for another man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In a sence talking to another women period will piss your old lady off, but pile that on with the fact that you are no longer tolorating her crap.....well sir how dare you...how dare you start to stand up for your self and expose this affair for what it really is!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what I mean?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

the guy said:


> Before you confront your Ww you may want to expose this to the OMW (other mans wife) first, show her the evidence then let the OMW confront OM and then Om most likely throw your wife under the bus to save his owm marriage.
> 
> See getting the OM out of the picture is half the battle.
> 
> ...





the guy said:


> The tactic I mention works good, it shows your wife that she is now dealing with a new and different man here....some one that doesn't need to ask question and look for an excuse from her.
> 
> It shows your wife how confident you are and letting her go and no longer willing to negotiate with someone that has been used as a doormat (you you) for way to long!
> 
> See, when you now longer are working with her in the disicions you are making and even better is you are now talking to some other chick. It will show her a man that is no longer controled..Your wife will see that her puppet is no longer around to manipulate and laugh at as she spreads her self for another man.





the guy said:


> In a sence talking to another women period will piss your old lady off, but pile that on with the fact that you are no longer tolorating her crap.....well sir how dare you...how dare you start to stand up for your self and expose this affair for what it really is!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> You know what I mean?


First things first.

Does OP want to save the marriage?

If not, who cares what she thinks?

If so, I think he has to do a but more than talk to another woman!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Eating Me Alive

That was fast work. Always trust your gut.

Now go see an attorney, understand your rights.

Then confront your wife and the OM.

Let his wife take care of him.

Sorry Buddy. I wish your wife was just messing with herself but they rarely do.

HM64


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

If you feel like posting updates, we would like to see them.


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