# Don't know where to go from here



## Looking4Solution (Jun 14, 2011)

Not sure if this is the right forum section and if not Mods can move it.
This could be a long post but I'll keep it short as possible. I figure I should start from the beginning to get the best responses. 

My wife and I have been together since 1992. Had twin girls in 93 and actually married in 94. This is her 2nd and my 1st marriage. We started dating during her separation.
We were in our low to mid 20s and both partied pretty hard. After kids we slowed down to the point that neither drink or do drugs anymore,been clean since 2001.

While dating I discovered her to be very jealous,figured after marriage that would dwindle but it didn't. After being accused of cheating day after day it wore on me to the point I started thinking I should end the marriage.Problem was my twin girls were my world and I couldn't. I never cheated but I did get cold and distant,we argued constantly. End of 99 after a fight on the weekends she'd split and say she was staying at a hotel on at least 3 different occassions. We were still drinking at this time. I finally moved out start of 2000. 

2 months later I found a Valentines day card from an ex friend of mine to her talking about wanting to have sex.Him and I were friends till the day I moved out and he quit calling me, I figured out why then. My wife had been babysitting his kid for 3 years or so at that time. His wife and him separated about 6 months earlier due to him cheating.
So I confront her and she says just friends and card was a joke but they did hang out a lot. During this time and the next 6 months I'm trying to work on saving the marriage but this is obviously in the way.
He admits to her that he slept with his ex wife and she gets pissed off. So obviously she has lied to me and there was feelings more then friendship but she still says no sex,which I don't believe but I can overlook it,more so if she'd be honest about it.
Well Sept 00 we get back together after we decide that drinking was a big problem and worked on certain aspects we both need to improve on. Everything was good for 2 years or so even had a new son come into our lives.
From 03 to present can be summed up easily. She spends all her time on the computer playing Facebook games or Guild Wars. She does housework,cooks and takes care of the youngest for the most part but I feel totally ignored. We don't have a lot of money since she doesn't work so we are in a 2 bedroom home and the son sleeps in our room. Since he was 2 she sleeps on the couch because he slept in our bed. I got him a toddler bed and she still stayed on the couch so I let him sleep in my bed,king size. She texts alot and chats on the game alot. I asked if there was someone else but she says no. But there are times guys on the game have sent her computer parts and a monitor when hers failed bc we couldn't fix it right away.
She won't even sit next to me on the couch while watching a movie and if she does sit on the couch its the opposite side. I've made my feelings known many times. Sex? What is that? I can count on my hands the number of times in the past 8 years and its been a good 8 months since the last time. She says the kids are in the way but I've taken days off from work so we could have time alone and she still doesn't want to.

I think she knows my son and I are super close and that I know how much it would hurt him if I left so I will stay and she is right. I'd love to work this out but can't afford counseling which I'm not sure she'd go anyway. I asked one time got no answer because she won't talk about the situation then got mad one day and said I was going to go but now I don't want to.

I just have no clue what to do. I can't live like this, we don't fight and are civil to each other but I need more then a room mate. People used to be jealous of our friendship and now that is not even a good explanation of our life. I hate that my girls see this and constantly tell them this isn't a normal marriage so don't be afraid to get married.
I thought maybe more gestures of love would help so I bought flowers,not even a thank you. Bought high dollar chocolates got a peck on the lips but then she complained that she is trying to watch her weight and the chocolates aren't going to help.

Want to add I've gotten the I love you but I'm not IN Love with you line too.

I can't rant to my friends because I'm the one they come to for help in their relationships. So I started looking found this and here I am for advice.


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## Looking4Solution (Jun 14, 2011)

I see now I should have posted this in General Relationship Discussion. Mods please move.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sounds like your wife checked out long ago. She is filling what is missing with on-line games and guys.

And if you think things will get better with having kids sleep in your room and her on the couch and no counseling, forget it.

I'd start by having your son sleep on the couch and you two in the same bed. or get a bigger place. I know money is tight and a bigger place may be out of the question but you have to do something.

And counseling is absolutely necessary. Try church or something like community help because you two won't be able to do it alone.

As for sex, unfortunately it sounds like there are a lot of other things that need to be resolved before sex gets back to normal.


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## Looking4Solution (Jun 14, 2011)

Thanks...


A bigger place is out of the question unless I move to a bad part of town and I won't put my family in that type of danger. I'd hate to put him with the girls since they are now 18 and want their own privacy. Couch won't work since he goes to sleep before us and the tv will keep him up.

The girls go to college next spring so there will be the extra room but I'm not sure I can wait out another year. She started looking for work but I think its more because she can see my frustration and she knows she'll need to pay bills and rent if I do leave. 

I'll look into churches but we're not the religious type.


The games also have lots of women playing so its not just guys but I know she does text other guys. I don't know if I should be allowed to read the texts but feel like I shouldn't and she'd just erase anything before I got to read them anyway. I did make mention that if I did go for a divorce I'd have all records of texts/emails pulled from servers for the case.


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