# Strangeness of No Contact 1.5 yrs. Later



## rgol

I have visited this site off and on over the last five (5) years once my marriage started to go sideways; I chronicled it somewhere on the forum. It ended. She moved out 18 mos. ago, we divorced two months later. Sold the house 6 mos. ago. Done. We were married 22 yrs., together 25 yrs. overall.

I employed NC, cut off a lot of 'the network' and worked on myself...Today, I am happy in a new place, on a new professional career track, have some new friends and have had zero problems dating. My EW and I did not talk much last year after the divorce except regarding our college-aged child and the dog which we shared custody. Since the beginning of this year, we have talked less. There has really been no need. When I do have to interact with her, it just makes me thankful I do not have to take care of her sh*t anymore; I like my freedom. She still triggers negative emotions in me, no doubt, but I truly have no desire to be with her. 

So, the dog passed in March and the NC really sunk in; I do not see her, hear from her and know anything about her whatsoever. Most people with ex-spouses would say that is great, right? Yet, lately I have started to backslide into some sadness. I am 52 and spent half my life with this person. We have a child together. Now, it is just the past...as if it did not exist. She has moved on. I thought I had, but now grief seems to be making a comeback. I question if any of it was real. Did she love me at all? Does she care? It seems so strange.

Again, I do not want her back or wish to be friends with her. Still, her memories and energy exist in things I have. I am rambling here...It is just weird. 

Rob


----------



## 3Xnocharm

It sounds pretty normal to me. Let yourself feel the feelings, but just dont let yourself live there, or allow yourself to do anything self destructive like start reaching out to her. Even when its for the best, divorce is hard. It means everything you thought your life was going to be is now gone, and even with a BETTER life, the memory of what you had hoped for can creep up and make you feel sadness or regret or whatever. So think of these feelings like one of those sparkly crystal rocks... when you happen to find it and take notice of it, pick it up and look at it... ponder it for a minute.. then chuck it over your shoulder. You have no use for a rock.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I get it. I have no contact with my first husband, who I have kids with, and it hurts. I don’t even really want to have contact with him as we just don’t have anything to say anymore...but since when we were young together and our kids were little, we both always thought we would be discussing and sharing what our children go through in life all the way into their adulthood, now that we do not do that I feel the loss of what that could have been. The only other person who knows and loves your children as much as you do, and you can’t even discuss the milestones with them.

I could reach out to him and establish a friendship. But it wouldn’t be worth it overall. So I don’t. But I still wish it was just something we could do naturally and easily.


----------



## Marc878

Nostalgic feelings can crop up but you're only good path is hard nc. They'll pass just like anything else if you let them.

In your situation there is zero need for any contact. Time will fix the rest


----------



## Andy1001

Get another dog. 
Better still,get two.


----------



## Absurdist

Hi rgol. I remember you well. Your story hit a nerve in me. My wife and I are both cancer survivors. She took care of me and I took care of her.

Your ex was having at least an emotional affair when she got cancer. You took her in, took care of her and loved her. She takes advantage of all that love and care only to dump you again after she healed. I was so mad on your behalf I was spitting bullets.

But you handled all this like a champ. I remember that your job ended and you took a good severance package. It’s good to see you are on a new career tract. Mega congrats to you.

Grief is a funny thing and it’s one of the stages you are experiencing here. You are grieving the loss of what once was but no longer exists. These feelings can come out of nowhere even though you are many months removed from the person. It proves that rgol is a contemplative normal human being. As with anything else in life, these thoughts and emotional forays into the abstract will ultimately pass when acceptance comes full bloom.

You’re a good man rgol. As with everything in life “this too shall pass”.


----------



## skerzoid

rgol said:


> i have visited this site off and on over the last five (5) years once my marriage started to go sideways; i chronicled it somewhere on the forum. It ended. She moved out 18 mos. Ago, we divorced two months later. Sold the house 6 mos. Ago. Done. We were married 22 yrs., together 25 yrs. Overall.
> 
> I employed nc, cut off a lot of 'the network' and worked on myself...today, i am happy in a new place, on a new professional career track, have some new friends and have had zero problems dating. My ew and i did not talk much last year after the divorce except regarding our college-aged child and the dog which we shared custody. Since the beginning of this year, we have talked less. There has really been no need. When i do have to interact with her, it just makes me thankful i do not have to take care of her sh*t anymore; i like my freedom. She still triggers negative emotions in me, no doubt, but i truly have no desire to be with her.
> 
> So, the dog passed in march and the nc really sunk in; i do not see her, hear from her and know anything about her whatsoever. Most people with ex-spouses would say that is great, right? Yet, lately i have started to backslide into some sadness. I am 52 and spent half my life with this person. We have a child together. Now, it is just the past...as if it did not exist. She has moved on. I thought i had, but now grief seems to be making a comeback. I question if any of it was real. Did she love me at all? Does she care? It seems so strange.
> 
> Again, i do not want her back or wish to be friends with her. Still, her memories and energy exist in things i have. I am rambling here...it is just weird.
> 
> Rob


ptsd?


----------



## rgol

Thanks. Yes, you are correct about my back story. Thank you. I am realizing that grief is not linear; it comes back around and will continue over time but with less of an impact each iteration.


----------



## BluesPower

I was not going to post on this one... I don't even like thinking about it. 

First, you will get over this.

I have been done with her for a while, however she still calls sometime. Of course she had to get a job after the divorce which she lost for whatever reason. 

Of course she is sick, a usual and does not have my insurance which, hey, I do feel sorry for her. 

On the other hand, I am so happy that she is out of my life for the most part I don't have to talk to her at all. 

Sometimes there is something that I have to know about one of our kids that is grown, but still is younger. 

Even after everything she did, I still feel sorry for her troubles. 

But I just hate when I actually have to speak to her. No I don't love her at all, and I just kind of pretend that that part of my life did not actually happen, except for the kids of course...

Anyway, this will subside over time, it just does...


----------



## Chuck71

rgol said:


> Again, I do not want her back or wish to be friends with her. Still, her memories and energy exist in things I have. I am rambling here...It is just weird.
> 
> Rob


I recall a similar thread but can't place which one it was. It's hard not to reflect on your life....which

we all tend to do as we get older, without running into "her." You have two portions of your life in the rear

view....your childhood and your M. Impossible to get around either. Nothing is more nice than 

strolling down memory lane. I don't think you have any regrets, you just feel you are sometimes

running into her in your trip. You can't help that. Anytime I reflect upon my life....if it is anywhere

from the summer 1997 to early 2013, somewhere my XW is in the memory. Anything from 

summer 1991 to summer 1996....my college sweetheart is somewhere in it. Because at one time....

she and I were connected, as was me and XW, and as were you, OP and your XW.

Think of it this way....you knew her at her best, when she was healthy (emotionally), vibrant, caring.

Now....whatever she is...you do not know and care not to. This fall will be seven years since my DDay.

XW still makes reaches. I am light years beyond done with her, and she knows it. But she still tries.

Why? Because that is her way of saying she is sorry and that she didn't own her POS tendencies... and

that she is desperate. My last post on my LaD thread goes into detail about it.

Go out and make new memories.....engage in those hobbies you loved but never had the time for

when you were tied up being a dad and a H. What did you like to do as a teen?


----------



## Spicy

This sounds very normal to me. I have a good relationship with my XH, and we are still coparenting a teen.

I think about how things will be when she is out of the nest, and there is really no longer need for contact. It makes me sad. We have nearly 30 years of history and friendship. Over 20 of it spent married. Lots of shared memories, and outside of my parents, no one knows me better than him.

I do hope we remain friends, and family. I can see past the misery I was in with him, and remember the good. I am happily remarried now to a man that also “gets” my relationship with my XH, and they are friends of sorts too. Hopefully someday there will be grand babies to share. I also hope when he is ready, he finds love again.

So, I think you are massively normal. You are losing contact to one of the closest people you will ever have in your life.


----------



## WasDecimated

It's been over 6 years of NC for me. After the divorce she was still calling and texting. One day I told her to never contact me again, and I hung up. I did this because her continued contact was preventing me from healing and moving on. Our kids are older and living with me so there has been no need for any contact regarding them. They have phones so she could communicate with them directly. The NC was the right thing for me to do. It was what I needed. It has helped me to recover emotionally although I don't seem to have any interest in dating.

Our oldest was married recently. As parents, we were both in the wedding. I maintained NC as much as possible at the wedding and made it a point to always appear happy, smiling and engaged with friends and family. This was the first time I've seen XWW in 6 years. She didn't look that great, for which I'm grateful. She's aged a lot and gained weight. She was parading some new boyfriend around as well. Honestly, he wasn't what I would have expected to see her with. She has obviously lowered her standards. 

I would never entertain taking her back or even having a friendship with her after what she did to our marriage and family. I have struggled for years to get to a better place emotionally and now I seemed to have slipped backward into that fog of sadness. 

I know I shouldn't feel sad. I fully expected to be hit by a rush of emotions at the wedding so I tried to prepare myself well in advance. I do enjoy my life now and feel a sense of liberation and stability. Any attraction I once had for her is long gone. Maybe its seeing that she's moved on. I suppose I would have felt better if I was in a relationship and was accompanied by someone. I can't help thinking about what could have been or where our lives would have been be now is she would have been faithful.

Yes, NC is strange, but for me, necessary. I'm sure I will feel better after I give myself time to emotionally reset.


----------



## Tilted 1

rgol, yup l see it as anger, mindyou not in a bad way at all, but look she took your youth, your expectations, your sanity, your dreams, and sadly some if your will. Now in some instances beyond 50 we start to evaluate gains and losses of the life we have lived. There is none sometimes we feel regret but what it is " shame " possibly thinking somehow you should have done something different, said something, handled it different don't beat yourself up! You passed the test! Your wonderful children are your proof and legacy. They are the benefactors, of what not to do in their lives. Congratulations you did it now the rest is just dessert for you taste all the pies and sweet rolls because you already ate the main course. 

Do what the sign reads "EAT LAUGH AND LOVE" 
you earned that medal the rough way. This just shows yourself you are a good human, father and man. You are ok, now go and enjoy, the sweet things of life.

Tilted


----------



## mapman965

Guess it's a day for the semi-newbie to resurrect some threads.

rgol, you hit it here when you said this:


rgol said:


> I am realizing that grief is not linear; it comes back around and will continue over time but with less of an impact each iteration.


With coronavirus and staying at home, I have a lot of time to think. Sometimes my brain is my worst enemy. Lately I've been thinking about the end of my marriage, now 2 years ago. It dredges up negative feelings about my XW, and I end up kind of chastising myself and getting down on myself for re-introducing all of the anger. But it's so true--grief isn't linear. In fact, in these times it seems to be magnified for me. I imagine what life would be like were we still together, if our family was still intact. How we would be riding all of this out? But I'm imagining a world that existed before knowledge of my XW's cheating. Knowing what I know about her now I'm glad to NOT be riding this out with her.

I'm old enough to know this when I see it--it's mild depression. Usually takes me a few days to figure that out, then once I've called it out I realize that it will pass. I acknowledge it will come back at some point in the future, but the time between each episode gets longer and the feelings are less extreme.

You have to let yourself feel and give the feelings their due, but don't wallow. Go about your business--at least as much as you can with everything shut down!


----------



## MattMatt

This is a zombie thread and is now closed.


----------

