# An Update to “A Tale of Infidelity”



## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Initial post was approximately 10 months ago, since this time I"ve learned that a few details of my original post are false. My WS hadn't and still has not come clean about the, details of the A but rather was more interested in what I knew so she could counter. Here's the back story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53462-tale-infidelity.html 

We’ve been to MC, which was a bust; in my mind we should have explored various details of what lead to the affair. He was more concerned with exploring other issues in our relationship and eventually attacking me. Going was not on the top of my WS’s list, I was the driving force behind setting up the MC. After about 8 sessions we made the decision to stop going. 

About two months after D day I found my WS had not severed ties with the OM, they were still emailing and seeing one another. I finally got in contact with the OMW and turned over everything I had to her. Now with the OMW involved things got a little heated, she found out my WS work number and told her off. 

I recently found a detail that I figured was important because it proved that my WS wasn’t forth coming with all the details as I had asked. In the event to draw the final line in the sand I confronted her with my discovery. As a result she told me she had emailed the OM from her work account, here’s the exchange:

*- From WS to OM, testing the waters I think…*

Hi how have you been?

*- Response from OM to WS with OMW BCC’d. Note the initial response, leads me to believe they’ve never stopped emailing one another:*

Like I said in my email, I'm not doing that entirely great. My life is in shambles because of everything we've done. My marriage is ruined and not sure if it's going to be repaired. But I have to fight to keep it alive. I don't feel that it's right that we communicate anymore as we both have work to do in our marriages and need to focus as such. You have to realize that we've both done a LOT of damage and I'm sure that you do. Over that past couple of months I've done a lot of soul-searching and I have realized where I've gone wrong. So my focus is now on my marriage and family and not to allow any outside influences to get in the way. I love my wife. Now more than ever I think. Although I appreciate your concern in my well being, just know that I'm working to make the bond between my wife and my family stronger. So please for the sake of both of our well being, do not contact me anymore by email or phone. Take good care of yourself and your family as I will do the same. 

_*- OMW now aware of the exchange chimes in directly to my WS:*_

Being that he has told you how he is doing, do us all a favor and focus on YOUR HUSBAND! The four of us know how he is doing. You have nothing more to inquire about. WTF, just let it go! I asked you before how can you go on with your life loving someone else. Obviously, you can't. It is so hard physically being in one place and your heart somewhere else. I am so sorry for you. Frankly, I am sorry for us all. I forgive you and I just pray that you find it in yourself to let my husband go and that God does what is necessary to help our marriages. Emotionally affairs are the worse to release yourself from. The heart will go on, however. This affair is not worth all of us losing our families and/or our lives. Should all of us divorce, the chances of you and my husband getting in a serious relationship is slim to none, really. The sex ran its course, he got what he wanted and if we divorce, it will be on to something new not something he had. My husband is not a person who runs stuff backwards. Sorry. You were worth your weight in Platinum to him saving yourself than giving him sex as a married woman. That would have given him something to desire. Maybe he would have left me for you he does that all the time. Leave one woman for another one because you guys have known each other for a long time, so IDK. Now Basically--Mission Accomplished!

This is stuff I tell my daughter. SMH.
Nevertheless, take care and I pray for you and your husband. He seems like a really cool guy who really loves you and what to be their with his son.
Focus on that and not the well-being MY HUSBAND!

_*- My WS takes offense and decides to respond:*_

You know what I went back and forth if I should even respond to your email then I said WTH why not. I am really not trying to go back and forth with you on this issue however you and YOUR HUSBAND read all into my "HOW HAVE YOU BEEN" email. Believed it or not I am in no shape or form longing for your husband... my husband and I are still weathering this nasty storm together but there is no one else I would rather be in this boat with. I was simply hoping you guys were doing the same nothing more nothing less so please don't feel sorry for me.... it’s not needed.

In response to the other not so nice things your said about me I'm not even going to address it regardless of how true or not true they are because I know you are pissed/hurt and you have a right to be. Again I didn't want to go back and forth I really wanted to keep this short and let you know you don't have anything to worry about if you were worried. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

But you are right about my husband being a cool guy and a great father it take a strong man to endure something like this.

Ok, TAM what gives?! To me this is a slap in the face from both the OM and OMW. I’ve asked my WS how was it she found justification to get upset and respond to the OMW? *YOU SLEPT WITH HER HUSBAND, HELLO!!! * The most you should have said was, I’m sorry to have cause you any grief and I will no longer be contacting your husband. Instead she tells me that this is not him, not the way he talks. He was only talking like this because she was cc’d in the email. Sounds like pride to me, and pride comes before a fall. Two days after reading this I drew the line in the sand. Specifically I told her I hope you got it all out of your system, this is it! You mess up again and I’m out. Now she wants counseling, not because of this but rather because we don’t see eye-to-eye on various non-related issues regarding our marriage and parenting. I told her if you want to see a MC you set it up, I did it the last time when it should have been you. She’s slated to deploy in a couple months, not sure if that’s enough time to put a dent in our laundry list of issues but I’m willing to try. 

My biggest thing is for her to be upfront and honest about what happened while I was away. I don’t want part of the story, I want it all with the exception of the specific details. She admitted the only reason I got the email was because of the potential of the OMW sending it to me. I’ve told her time and time again for us to move on I need you to be totally honest and transparent.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sounds to me like you ww was fishing to start things up again. Why else would she reach out to him? Did she tell you in advance that she was going o contact him? Sorry, this just seems like bs from your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your WW is fake as sh*t. Some false bravado in her reply after being humiliated by the couple.




> Believe it or not I was literally begging for intimacy in our marriage, any kind of intimacy. Initiate a kiss, grab and squeeze my hand in public, being told you love me every now and then, a smack on the butt and sex a little more frequent than 2 – 3 times a month.





> From the portions of facebook messages I read, my wife was the aggressor and I’ve never known her to be this way.. She has nerves of steel, all three of us would be chatting at the same time, she managed to discuss with him how she liked the sex and managed to talk to me about my day and how she loved me.


What did you expect ??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no remorse whatsoever

-fishing to reestablish the affair
-trickle truth
-no heavy lifting


time to file


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Are you sure you really want to reconcile with her?

You've already given her one chance and she's still trying to take advantage of your generosity. Think long and hard before you go ahead with R.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell you are setting up a polygraph and see how far you get. She isn't into being married to you. Thats just how I would take it.

I would totally start investigating soon to see if she was looking for another man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

OTOH, almost all of them do this and still wnat to reconcile.

YOU need to find out if the New Counselor is in agreement with Shirley Glass. Did the two of you read her book.

Have you read MMSLP. Check the links in my signature. Yo must read MMSLP. Both of you have to read NOT JUST FRIENDS.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Why you are not realising the fact that she is dragging you for a while and she is not into the marriage.

You are her Doormat and plan B.

Let her go man, she is not as much worthy of your time and love as you think she is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She's a regular little princess, isn't she?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not only was she fishing, but she soldo told you that she only included you because the OMW might do it. So now you know your wife does not intend to be transparent with her communications. She will only show you what she thnks she might get caught on.

Major major red flag there. She feels entitled to have secret private communications. That's a major problem both in a marriage and 100x bigger with a cheating spouse.

I see zero remorse in her words. In fact she's indignant at being called out by the OMW for her obvious fishing.

So you have a non remorseful wife, who sees the only reason to tell you stuff is that others might expose her secrets and lies to you.

You say she's about to deploy. Given her attitude etc. I have a strong feeling she just might be finding a new guy on deployment.

You might want to prep the D before she leaves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, just reread your first post.

Your now 3/4 of a year past DDay and your wife is still showing no commitment or honesty to you. I'm guessing the sex life is just as bad as it was.

I think you can see this isn't going to get better as you seem to be the only one working on the marriage.

Given the upcoming deployment, I wonder if the fishing was too see if she could start hooking up again.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Why did you stop posting 10 months ago? You are one of the BSs that come here for advice and then run away only to come back to show that its the same or has gotten worse.

You said you were going to retire in Feb 2013, so I assume that you're retired from the Navy now. And now she's on sea duty about to deploy.

Your WW is completely unremorseful, and she broke NC to fish for this OM who is a longtime friend. She had the gall to be offended by the OMW response. Neither is she trying to do any heavy lifting to repair your marriage and the reason is obvious: Her mind and heart still belong to the OM, even if she isn't giving her body to him at the moment.

In your original post, you said you will decide if a divorce is in order. You know that it is, you just want someone to convince you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My best advice is to start divorce proceedings before the deployment. I think I can give a pretty high indication more betrayals are afoot when not together. As painful as it is, time to stop the bleeding and focus in on you and your happiness for a change, and not your betraying spouse.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? Clearly you are the door prize to her. Her actions continue to show that she has very little respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Proceed with divorce and end this farce. Enough is enough.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Why you are not Divorcing her? Why you want to stick around when she is not remorseful or doing the heavy lifting? Why you still allow her to walk over you again and again?

Ten months still you dont know what you are forgiving and trying to move from.
Ten months still you dont have a wife who choose you over her OM.

Ten months still she is fishing OM and getting agitated by OMs and OMWs responses.

You came here earlier run away from TAM, i hope you will hear us this time.

File for D before she is deployed.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that e-mail exchange shows the following:

- She was fishing with him and expected an intimate response, i.e. a continuation of the special secret connection they had that had her as his confidante with the OMW on the outside.

- When she was the one who was pushed to the outside, she reacted petulantly - "How dare you try to sideline me? "

- She writes back in an aggressive rather than apologetic way in order to try to reaffirm her upper hand against the OMW and salvage her wounded pride.

She's a piece of work, OP. I agree with the others that you should start the D proceedings.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I would prep for the D before she deploys, like retaining a lawyer, planning out the expenses,etc. 

But it does you no good to file before she deploys because everything will just be put on hold until she returns from deployment due to the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act of 2003. File as soon as she returns from sea.


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

I'm with the other guys on this. My girlfriend cheated on her ex-boyfriend while deployed... Not looking good!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

civilian98 said:


> FACT - My WS hadn't and still has not come clean about the, details of the A but rather was more interested in what I knew so she could counter.
> 
> FACT - Going to MC was not on the top of my WS’s list,
> 
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There is disrespect and then there's disrespect of the magnitude you've endured. Unless you are a masochist you'll seek fulfillment elsewhere. I agree with everyone else's assessment of your sad situation. 

No remorse, no regret, constant complaining - 
has your conjugal life improved any? Have her promises of the past come to fruition? All those scenarios she told you about? 

My guess is no. When she was relating them to you she was imagining the OM and pretended to be speaking to him. 

Cut your loses. Her deployment will just be more opportunities for her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

She broke NC for one but two is more telling..

The lack of respect she has for OM's is telling, we often think of affairs conducted by the wayward especially when a betrayed husband or wife posts here as a majority of the time only affecting them but little ever about their partners. When your wife conducted the affair not only mentally did she throw you under a bus in terms of respect but she did that with OM's wife..as OM did with you.

So when challenged by someone who has the moral high ground, that lack of respect simply lets her refuse to take it.

Whatever epiphany she had about the devastation she caused through her action by betraying you, should have been likewise for the OM's wife, for his family. The gall to answer back in that manner like this woman had no right to speak to her like that shows her lack of remorse is very much there to see.

If she holds OM's wife with such contempt and is still fishing, what is to stop her from starting up the affair again if given the opportunity?

She knows she's lucky to have you but only as far as that, the boundaries were set, she broke them, you forgave, you set the boundaries for R, she broke them and you're still there. She knows she has a good guy, but she's not really scared to lose you.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

I don't think she's in it for the long haul.
Has she been putting a lot of effort into your reconciling? Do you find her still lacking in areas that you think she should be trying harder on? If so said:


> _My WS told me about a week ago that she never expected us to make it. Feels that we were doomed from the start, but won't elaborate what happened to make her feel that way. I can tell you that the writing has been on the wall since the first year. We don't have a traditional marriage where the W put her new name on her driver's license, credit cards etc. We still have bills that come to the house with her maiden name, she refuses to change them. Unless I'm forgetting something she hasn't put a lot of effort into R. I've talked to her several times about what it take to R, seems like she's been slow to understand. As far as lacking in certain areas she promised provided I help her out more with my son she'd want to be intimate more often, that was a lie. I've been retired since the beginning of March. I run my own business from home, clean the house, do laundry, take and pick up my son from daycare. All she does is to go work and home come and gives my son a bath most of the time. Nothing else..._


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

workindad said:


> Sounds to me like you ww was fishing to start things up again. Why else would she reach out to him? Did she tell you in advance that she was going o contact him? Sorry, this just seems like bs from your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, she never told me. It wasn't until I confronted her about a detail she had hidden from me of which I found out through the OMW. She only told me after the email exchange had occurred, in fact she cc'd me on her response. She admitted she told me about this because there was a chance I could find out from the OMW. I decided a while back to let the OMW in on everything I find out.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Are you sure you really want to reconcile with her?
> 
> You've already given her one chance and she's still trying to take advantage of your generosity. Think long and hard before you go ahead with R.


This is the 3rd chance I've given her. In October after Dday I discovered that she was still communicating with the OM. She admitted that after I discovered the A they never stopped talking. After my October discovery, I let the OMW know. Right now I'm in the process of retaining a lawyer, she's deploying on the ground to Africa. Can't do much while she's on deployment, in the meantime I think I'll file for separation and move back to my home state.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> no remorse whatsoever
> 
> -fishing to reestablish the affair
> -trickle truth
> ...


Interesting thing, I've confronted her several times about her telling me the truth. She asks me what is it that you want to know?! Get's upset that I keep bringing the A up and tells me I've told you all you want to know. Just last week she told me, I've told you so much that if it was a rope you could hang me with it. I told her I'm not in for a hanging just want to start R, can start R without transparency and the truth.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

LanieB said:


> I agree with everyone else. She was definitely fishing. I'm assuming she didn't CC the wife when she sent it. (???) So what if the OM had said, "Oh, it's so great to hear from you. When can we get together? I must see you."
> 
> Those words your wife responded with weren't what she originally thought she'd be saying when she sent the first e-mail. Obviously, she was a little shocked at the response, so she had to switch gears. It's kind of like when someone says, "Hey, do you wanna go out sometime? No? Fine! I didn't really wanna go out with you anyway! I don't even like you!"
> 
> She's definitely not over him, and he's still in her head and possibly her heart. I haven't read your other thread, but I'm sorry you're (still) going through this. This is definitely a set-back in your "R".


I agree 100%.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Not only was she fishing, but she soldo told you that she only included you because the OMW might do it. So now you know your wife does not intend to be transparent with her communications. She will only show you what she thnks she might get caught on.
> 
> Major major red flag there. She feels entitled to have secret private communications. That's a major problem both in a marriage and 100x bigger with a cheating spouse.
> 
> ...


One of her chief complaints regarding me is that I've always felt that our lives should be an opened book. She feels otherwise, feels that we should have secrets. She should be able to lock her email or FB. Since the keylogger she stays off the laptop and computer, refuses to get on them. Says she doesn't trust me because of the way I caught her. As far as her deployment, I agree. This has been something that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time. She was supposed to deploy to Spain but now found out she's going to Africa. Went from being in barracks to sleeping in tents on the ground.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I don't see any redeeming qualities in this woman.

be sure you can do a legal seperation before she deploys

Also, cancel all joint credit cards or get her name removed from the ones you share.

Take half the money you have in any joint accounts and move it into account(s) only you control.

After you've done this stuff to protect yourself financially, then you can get the ball rolling with the lawyer but be sure to tell them what you did on the financial side!


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Why did you stop posting 10 months ago? You are one of the BSs that come here for advice and then run away only to come back to show that its the same or has gotten worse.
> 
> You said you were going to retire in Feb 2013, so I assume that you're retired from the Navy now. And now she's on sea duty about to deploy.
> 
> ...


First of all, I didn't know that I had to come back here every day or once a month to keep folks in the loops. Secondly, along with dealing with this crap, I've been quite busy with a retirement ceremony, moving from the west coast to the gulf coast, running a business and raising my son. 

I took the advice and employed it, meanwhile probably foolishly hoping that things would work. Hoping that she'd replace the blown out light bulb over her head and start to see what I've been trying to tell her. Never-the-less it hasn't work, so the next course of action is D. Got off the phone earlier with a lawyer, now figuring out how to tell WS that I'm out and taking my son with me. 

I believe that you are correct in that she isn't remorseful, I don't even think she knows what remorse is or why she should be remorseful. She told me she was sorry the other day, but it felt like I was receiving an apology from a business partner from being kicked in the shin rather than her acknowledging her failure to uphold our vows.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You don't have to break anything to her. Let her be served. You've done all you can - no to avail. Maybe being served will speak more loudly to her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's clear you are living in a one sided marriage.

She guards her privacy because its what enables her cheating. There is a very good chance the OM isn't her first and nor her last.

I'd get a lawyer a fast as you can.

In the meantime you can lock down money and credit to protect both from her..


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> : OP, I think you know that this marriage is over and that there is no hope for it to come back given the way your wife is behaving. It's time to do what's best for you and your son. I'll bet she won't miss him much if you just give her freedom via divorce. It's very sad.


The part that gets me, is she's crazy about our son. Last night she confronted me with him in tow because I spanked him for something he should not have done. I went into bedroom and went off on her for undermining me in front of our child. He's four, she's shown him more affection than she's shown me the whole time we've been married. I think getting custody of him would hurt her more than me leaving. If I could only prove her as an unfit mother, I'd go after sole custody.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It's clear you are living in a one sided marriage.
> 
> She guards her privacy because its what enables her cheating. There is a very good chance the OM isn't her first and nor her last.
> 
> ...


I agree, I'm busting my a$$ for this woman. No respect...


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i agree that her last communication with OM was a fishing attempt. he didn't take the bait so she figures you're her last resort- her backup plan.

i could only imagine the look on her face when OMW got in on the conversation. she needed to do some damage control and make it sound like you were the only man she wants..... what a hoot. 

she got busted, plain and simple.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You can divorce her when she is overseas IF she agree's to it. She just has to sign the paper.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

civilian98 said:


> Instead she tells me that this is not him, not the way he talks.


All you have to do is look at the REAL reconciliation threads on TAM to know she is right. If he really is trying to save his marriage, he is going to sound 180 degrees different.

That's your wife's pride talking. So, he CC'd his wife? Uhmmm yes, that's what REAL reconciliation entails, it is called zero privacy and HONESTY.

Sorry dude, you've done everything including counseling, she doesn't get it. Time to move on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

civilian98 said:


> One of her chief complaints regarding me is that I've always felt that our lives should be an opened book. She feels otherwise, feels that we should have secrets. She should be able to lock her email or FB. Since the keylogger she stays off the laptop and computer, refuses to get on them. Says she doesn't trust me because of the way I caught her. As far as her deployment, I agree. This has been something that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time. She was supposed to deploy to Spain but now found out she's going to Africa. Went from being in barracks to sleeping in tents on the ground.


She should have a good career at comedy


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