# Really not for sure



## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

Really don’t know how to put this but last night I was trying to get my husband in the mood but he declined. My fillings were hurt cause he has never turned me down for it except for the past couple of weeks. He normally has a very high drive. So like most women I guessed that he was turned off by me cause do to stress at work and home I have gained about 7 or 8 lbs. and or I thought that he didn’t love me anymore since he said it several weeks ago and took it back. I went to bed he kept texting me telling me to come in the living room and talk to him. I figured he wanted to appolizie for hurting my filling because he knew how I felt. Next think I know he is forcing his self on top of me and pulling my pants down. He finally got off top of me after several min. and after he seen me crying I was fighting like hell to get him out of me and off of me but nothing worked. When he finally got up I grabbed my pants and went into the bedroom. Now this morning he thinks he has done nothing wrong he said he was just being rough because we have before. When we have been rough in the past there was a safe word and we had talked about it before hand. The whole time he was doing this I was screaming no, begging him to stop and fighting back. But he didn’t care. I have several small bruises on my legs and wrist from where he held me down. He thinks that he didn’t rape me because he didn’t know better and just thought I was playing along when I defiantly wasn’t. I just am so confused I fill that he raped me but he keeps telling me I am being dramatic that it wasn’t because he thought I wanted it. I really fill like I am losing my mind. I just don’t know if I should trust my gut that he did rape me or believe him that I am looking too much into and being dramatic.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you use your safe word?

C


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

yes I tried everything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then your husband is an ass, and yes, from my perspective, he raped you. Honestly, even if you hadn't used the safe word, I would have said the same thing, but it would depend on the limit of your "rough play" before. 

So now the question is, what are you going to do about it?

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Then he raped you. What are you going to do about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He raped you. File a police report and get it on record.


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Then he raped you. What are you going to do about it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't know


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rape is the use of force to have sexual intercourse with someone. 
Yes, what you described is rape.
It sounds like your husband is behaving differently than he has before. Something is wrong when a man treats his wife the way your husband is treating you. If he doesn't think that was a big deal or a problem, he is a dangerous man and I would recommend filing a police report and getting away from him.
If he doesn't even recognize that what he did was wrong, he has some kind of break with reality.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Did I miss a post or something? Did you not indicate in the first paragraph that you were trying to instigate sex from him? So then he texts you to come to the living room where he acts on your instigations and now he's raped you? A bit forceful if your description is correct but did you not solicit sex?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Did I miss a post or something? Did you not indicate in the first paragraph that you were trying to instigate sex from him? So then he texts you to come to the living room where he acts on your instigations and now he's raped you? A bit forceful if your description is correct but did you not solicit sex?


Did you just stop reading after the first paragraph?

What part of crying, screaming no, begging him to get off of her and bruises are you having a problem understanding?


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> Did I miss a post or something? Did you not indicate in the first paragraph that you were trying to instigate sex from him? So then he texts you to come to the living room where he acts on your instigations and now he's raped you? A bit forceful if your description is correct but did you not solicit sex?


When I cam into the living room he got up and hugged me being very sweet and the next thing I know he was throwing me on the couch. I did want it but we had an disagreement and I went to bed after telling him I didn't want it anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, you're the only one that can decide your next steps. And ideally, you'd do it while there's still evidence of your husband's actions (bruises). 

You posted a long time ago about his cheating... Now this... What else has been going on? 

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm gonna look at this as if OP is my mom......or sister......or friend.

CALL POLICE NOW

After that call a lawyer and divorce his ass.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Irrespective of any previous, rough roleplay,, I don't buy for an instant any notion that your hubby can't tell the difference between you acting like a victim and being genuinely angry/afraid.

He's making a pitiful excuse for a violent sexual assault. He rejected your approach - didn't want it on your (mutual) terms then chose to take it on terms that were exclusively his.

We could speculate all day about his power/control 'issues' but, whatever the root of them, the net result is that he's an unrepentant, vile rapist.

It's up to you what you do about it but be aware that if you let him get away with it he'll perceive that as 'consent' to do it again.

If you don't want it to happen again, report him and let him try to convince police and a court that he thought you were 'playing along'. Even if he somehow avoids being charged, at least that'll send him a strong message that you won't be a passive victim of his abuse. The flip side is that by doing nothing you're telling him that you're prepared to tolerate it. Do that and there's a very real possibility that this'll become a regular event. 

If it becomes habitual, you'll find it increasingly difficult to break the cycle and your self-worth will plummet.

Ideally you will report him. At the very least you need to make it clear to him that you'll report it if it happens again. There's no justification for what he did so don't let him kid himself (or you) that there is.

Don't be a victim. Get proactive. I don't know of a single instance whereby coddling a rapist ever improved their behaviour. Better to confront it while you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

I really don't know what to do. I have been married to him for 6years and have a 4 year old with him. If I go to the cops then he will loose his job because he works with my dad and uncles. Then he can't support are child. I tried talking to him all he kept saying it wasn't his fault he thought I was enjoying it. If I push the subject to much I am scared of his reaction. He normally is a low temper guy but since June I have been choked several times, things threw at me and slapped across the face.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well there you go. He pays the bills so he gets to rape and abuse you. Too bad what it will do to your child. Maybe your H will start abusing your kid too. Is this more acceptable than financial hardship?

Where do you live?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Well there you go. He pays the bills so he gets to rape and abuse you. Too bad what it will do to your child. Maybe your H will start abusing your kid too. Is this more acceptable than financial hardship?
> 
> Where do you live?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know with out of a shadow of a doubt that he would not hurt my child. Financial hardship I need to feed my child.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
safe words are absolute. Violate them and it is rape, no fuzzy lines, no questions.

Without a safeword, if a couple has played rough in the past, it is much trickier - which is why rough / play-forced sex without a safeword is such a bad idea. 

What the OP does is entirely up to her, but in my book it was clearly rape.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lulu2010 said:


> I really don't know what to do. I have been married to him for 6years and have a 4 year old with him. If I go to the cops then he will loose his job because he works with my dad and uncles. Then he can't support are child. I tried talking to him all he kept saying it wasn't his fault he thought I was enjoying it. If I push the subject to much I am scared of his reaction. He normally is a low temper guy but since June I have been choked several times, things threw at me and slapped across the face.


You are in danger.
Your child is in danger.
You are an abused woman.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Ugg,, 20 mins till my credit runs out.

Some abusers maintain an 'even keel' - they don't escalate.

Late starters can be a law unto themselves. They might never have abused anyone then there's an 'event' and it triggers something previously suppressed. It might not escalate beyond where you're at now - already bad enough - but, left unchecked, a year from now you could be chained in a basement, eating from a dog bowl and crawling around in your own excrement.

Alarmist? You're already describing significant escalation since it started. Slapping to choking to raping. You're afraid of what he may do next. Slap harder, squeeze harder, rape harder? Fists instead of slaps? Ligature strangulation?

YOU may not report him but somebody will if you wind up in hospital. With you battered and him in jail, what use will either of you be to your kid,,, and what kind of example are you setting in the meantime?

Tell your dad. Have him 'threatened' with loss of employment if he does it again. Have him know that other people know and that there will be consequences to his actions.

If your father can afford employees he can sure support his daughter and grandkid. NO father of any worth would tell his daughter to 'hang in there' with an abuser.

Seriously,, we can't help you if you're not prepared to help yourself.

You initially described a one-off rape. Now you've described an escalating pattern of abuse. Like that abuse, the contents of your posts have gone from bad to worse.

End it while we're reading your posts and before we're reading about you in the papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I now understand more clearly your situation. It would have been nice to have the information regarding past abuse issues (choking, slapping) because I have heard tell of couples who regularly engage in what I would deem to be overly violent foreplay/sex so I did not see the incident in its true context.

Having said that, I would recommend you sit your H down and explain how is violent mood is intensifying. Use family/clergy or whatever other resources you may have to assist you in making your point. Also, I would tell him that there is now a new permanent safe word which you will use whenever you feel threatened or afraid. The word is "prison" and if he ignores it, then he will get a first hand introduction to a deeper definition of the word which will give it more meaning. I am sorry for your situation and wish the best for you.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Don't be another abused woman statistic, please. He raped you, and in the past struck & choked you, it's game over for him. I agree with others about going to the police, while you still have visible proof of the bruises and if possible I would go and stay with family a few days, with your child.
Some guys think as long as they bring in a paycheck, that they have free reign on their wives. He doesn't love you and you're going to end up in the hospital or worse. The fact that you're afraid of him already plays right into his hands, he has dominance. Time to save yourself, before it's too late and don't think for a minute he wouldn't ever hurt your child.


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## lulu2010 (Jun 6, 2011)

Last night he woke me when he came home from work around 2.
He was acting all I am sorry I understand I crossed the line and acted like he truly realized what he had done. Then after he thinks I am ok with everything he starts making advances for sex. I complete shut him down and walked away filling like he only said sorry so he could have sex. 
Yesterday I was more in shock and confusion. Today ever since his incident last night I keep having anxiety and panic attacks. I am fine when I am in my office alone at work but the moment I walk out and are around people it hits me. 
I am making plans for my child and my safety to leave. He is bipolar and I know this is him on one of his bad places. Once things are leveled out and he is his normal self I will leave when it's safe.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

I'm glad you didn't fall for it, that is exactly what he was after, sex. He wasn't sorry at all. Does he take meds for his bipolar, that can be a rough condition to be around??


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I recommend you go to a domestic violence shelter for advice on a safety plan and an exit plan. Waiting until he calms down may be too late. He has escalated already. The next time he chokes you, he could kill you. Don't think it won't happen. It happens.


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