# Emotional affair? Need help



## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hello everyone. I'm new here and really need some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
My husband and I have been married 5 years and have three kids. Throughout this marriage I have found him occasionally communicating with his ex girlfriend from a long time ago. I discovered a couple years ago that he had saved a few of her old pictures to a file on his computer. The pics were old but he didn't save them until 2012.(I saw the dates on when they were saved). This was my first experience with him possibly still having something for his ex but I brushed it off. He said it was no big deal and he didn't know why he saved it. Last year I had our third child and almost died during the delivery from blood loss. My son also almost died and has ended up having lots of problems and we were in the nicu a good bit after he was born. During one of those hospital trips I stayed the night at the hospital and found out later that my husband had gotten drunk at the hotel that night and emailed his ex, just confiding in her and telling her about his mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer and just venting everything wrong with his life to her. I found the email and when I questioned it he said he was just very drunk and wanted someone to talk to. 
That was about 14 months ago. About 6 months ago I found my husband in his car at 1 AM talking to someone. He said it was his dad but I later discovered it was again his ex. She had called him drunk and confessed that she had never fully gotten over him and still loved him. During the time my husband confessed to her that he was basically only with me bc of the kids. He later said he didn't mean that and it wasn't true(that he was only with me for th kids). I told him to never talk to her again and made him block her on his phone. 
Thought we were done with this. But last week I found on his snapchat that he has hidden her screenname under a guy friends name in hopes id never see it. They had talked through snapchat for 37 days straighten, every single day. He swears nothing love related or sexual ever came up but that she was just someone he was talking to about world evens and life in general. Just random stupid stuff basically. I texted the ex and she told me it was totally innocent as well and said it was just random things. 
I've caught my husband too much with this. I'm tired of it. What am I supposed to do??? He says he doesn't even love her at all and doesn't know why he talks to her because he doesn't want to be with her. He said it kind of makes him feel good to talk to her knowin she has feelings for him still and would probably be with him if she had the chance. And he also said sometimes he still feels bad for her because he screwed her over so bad before me and him got together. Said he has a soft spot for her still but nothing more. 
What is everyone's opinion? Emotional affair even though it's denied that anything like that was ever discussed? Advice please. ((


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Definitely at least an EA, and possibly a PA.

Is he using SnapChat on his phone?

What kind of phone does he use?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My opinion is he is a lying cheater. Definitely EA, and like Gus, I wouldn't rule out a PA. 

Don't believe anything he or she says. Look at the actions. 

Are you ready to kick him out of he has any further contact with her? If so, lay down the ultimatum. But be prepared to follow through. 

Then go mouth shut and eyes open. They were having DAILY contact. If he stays in contact it won't be long until he slips up. 

If it was just talk as they say, then it should be easy enough for him to go cold turkey. If they have a PA going, he won't stop. If you see further contact, don't confront immediately. Gather evidence, then talk to a lawyer.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Haybank1548 said:


> Said he has a soft spot for her still but nothing more.
> What is everyone's opinion? Emotional affair even though it's denied that anything like that was ever discussed? Advice please. ((


My opinion is that she is the one who has the soft spot for him, so to speak.

Or to put it another way, I'd bet it is physical.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes snapchat on his phone. An iPhone. He thought since he hid it under a friends name that I would never know. But luckily I knew her screenname and instantly knew what was going on. I asked him to move out last week so it's just been very strange and empty inside. The ex hasn't lived in our town in many years but has also recently moved back. Great!! When me and her talked she said she didn't want to be the one to break up a family and she would remove him from her snapchat right away because it'd be no big deal for her to do. I dont know for sure but I think this past time is the first time they've continuously talked every single day. 37 days in a row. He isn't living here now and he says he wants us back and knows he messed up but I have lost all trust in him. So you all would consider this an EA? That's what I thought too but my mind is just in all different directions. I want to believe him. I always want to believe him. I want to believe it was no big deal and that he will easily stop talking to her. According to him it seems a lot of the time he reaches out to her when he's been drinking away from our house. So in any aspect I don't know how I could ever trust him again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Haybank1548 said:


> Yes snapchat on his phone. An iPhone. He thought since he hid it under a friends name that I would never know. But luckily I knew her screenname and instantly knew what was going on. I asked him to move out last week so it's just been very strange and empty inside. The ex hasn't lived in our town in many years but has also recently moved back. Great!! When me and her talked she said she didn't want to be the one to break up a family and she would remove him from her snapchat right away because it'd be no big deal for her to do. I dont know for sure but I think this past time is the first time they've continuously talked every single day. 37 days in a row. He isn't living here now and he says he wants us back and knows he messed up but I have lost all trust in him. So you all would consider this an EA? That's what I thought too but my mind is just in all different directions. I want to believe him. I always want to believe him. I want to believe it was no big deal and that he will easily stop talking to her. According to him it seems a lot of the time he reaches out to her when he's been drinking away from our house. So in any aspect I don't know how I could ever trust him again.


I _believe_ that Wondershare Dr. Fone will retrieve messages and pics from SnapChat.

And again... yes, _definitely_ an EA. Possibly more.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ahh I wish I could get his phone long enough to do that. I've tried to do wondershare on it in the past and just could never get it long enough to complete it. Thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Haybank1548 said:


> Ahh I wish I could get his phone long enough to do that. I've tried to do wondershare on it in the past and just could never get it long enough to complete it. Thanks


Tell him to hand it over to you so that you can perform data recovery in order to verify that what he's telling you is true. If he refuses then you'll have your answer.

That said, if you're intent upon doing it w/o his knowledge, answer these questions...

1) Do you have the e-mail address and password associated w/ his Apple iTunes/iCloud account?

2) Do you have the password for the e-mail account associated w/ his Apple iTunes/iCloud account?

If the answer to #1 is "Yes", then you can use Wondershare to recover from iCloud backups for his device.

If the answer to #2 is "Yes", you can intercept the e-mail that gets sent to him to notify him that someone has logged into his Apple account.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Well, it is clear they still love each other- or love the attention they provide. Has it gone physical? Impossible to say so I'm not going to spectate.

But the big issue to me is that he has lied repeatedly and destroyed all ability to trust him. He has also made it crystal clear to you that he is going to continue his relationship with her no matter what you say or do or whatever promises he makes to you. Essentially, you are his #2 woman.

So what to do?

If holding the family together is paramount to you, you will have to learn to accept him strictly as the children's father and that he has a wife that isn't you. When the kids are older you can then maybe go and find true love. Maybe even take a separate bedroom. Just concede them to each other and learn to cope the best you can. Some people have done this. Thy find hobbies of their own and friends of their own and let their betraying spouse have their fun until the kids are grown.

The other option is to retain an attorney before he hides all the assets, divorce him and make a better life for you and the kids. It may not seem like it but a better life is out there.

It really sucks to lose a spouse to someone else. Even worse when all you get is a barrage of non stop lies. Just know this- he is never, never, never going to change or stop seeing this other woman. Never. Act accordingly for you and your children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's time to draw a line. One more contact and I'm filing for divorce.

I told my husband when we married that if he ever cheated, he'd never see me again. I asked him recently, 35 years later, why he never cheated, and he brought up that one comment. He'd been remembering it the whole marriage.

He knows you'll still stay with him; he just has to hide it 'fairly' well so there's no big blowup, and you'll keep putting up with it.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are all right. I have tolerated it too long. He told me that she made him feel desired and wanted and it was an escape but the difference is that I'm the one he loves. Gee, thanks! Ha.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> It's time to draw a line. One more contact and I'm filing for divorce.
> 
> I told my husband when we married that if he ever cheated, he'd never see me again. I asked him recently, 35 years later, why he never cheated, and he brought up that one comment. He'd been remembering it the whole marriage.
> 
> He knows you'll still stay with him; he just has to hide it 'fairly' well so there's no big blowup, and you'll keep putting up with it.


Turnera, this is great advice. You're one of me very favorite posters, but with the greatest of respect I would beg to offer a counterpoint to it. 

He has made it very clear he will not accept the line. So why draw it and continue the charade? He has repeatedly lied and has made it clear he is going to see her no matter what. It seems to me that by doing so it makes a mockery of the whole situation. It also places Haybank1548 in the position of having to spy, chase and then catch them. Seems beneath her to do so at this point. She's got enough on her plate with the kids and all.

They are going to see each other and that has been decided. Therefore, I think, 'what is the best advice moving forward knowing they are a couple?'

So I will maintain it's learn to cope with it or get out of the marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Haybank1548 said:


> You are all right. I have tolerated it too long. He told me that she made him feel desired and wanted and it was an escape but the difference is that I'm the one he loves. Gee, thanks! Ha.


And the lies continue.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Feed him some mud pie instead.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I am shocked nobody said anything about why the ex would suddenly move back to their hometown after talking for 37 days straight. Not a good sign to say the least.

I can tell you when I learnt about my STBXH emotional affair I felt the same as you. Never thought I would be this negative but here is what I know after my experience , after he was caught he begged for me back. But while we were working on our reconciliation not once, not twice, not three times, but four times he either had another PA/EA. I also snooped back five years and found more evidence of other EAs.

So if the ex is back in town and you can't get your hands on his phone cause he is protecting it like a hawk then he is lying. Don't be weak like me and give him chance after chance to break your heart. Draw up the rules and stick to it, he gives you his phone to check with wondershare, he writes a no contact letter to the ex, and he gives you all his email passwords. If he doesn't want to do that then good riddance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> Turnera, this is great advice. You're one of me very favorite posters, but with the greatest of respect I would beg to offer a counterpoint to it.
> 
> He has made it very clear he will not accept the line. So why draw it and continue the charade? He has repeatedly lied and has made it clear he is going to see her no matter what. It seems to me that by doing so it makes a mockery of the whole situation. It also places Haybank1548 in the position of having to spy, chase and then catch them. Seems beneath her to do so at this point. She's got enough on her plate with the kids and all.
> 
> ...


You misunderstand me.

I MEANT it when I told him I would disappear if I ever caught him cheating. My fragile ego couldn't handle all the dispair and worrying involved. I'd just walk away.

IMO, the OP needs to make it CLEAR that the instant she finds proof of him cheating or even contacting this woman, she is GONE.

And she needs to MEAN it. And DO it.

Only then will she have any real power over the future of her marriage.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are Plan B. He already told his ex that he stayed in your marriage because of your children. She moves back in your town. They communicated straight 37 days. He is having both EA/PA affair. He ignores your threats. See a divorce attorney. You deserve a better life than the one you have which is filled with drama and angst. Sorry that you are here.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> You are Plan B. He already told his ex that he stayed in your marriage because of your children. She moves back in your town. They communicated straight 37 days. He is having both EA/PA affair. He ignores your threats. See a divorce attorney. You deserve a better life than the one you have which is filled with drama and angst. Sorry that you are here.


Exactly right. I learnt first hand he is lying to her just as much as he is lying to you. He wants both of you! Now show him he can't.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get a lawyer and file divorce papers, no more ***** footing around, if that doesn't jolt him into reality then he is as good as gone.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you all for reading my post and giving me advice. I'm in such a dark bad place and just feel so lost and alone. I've lost all trust in him and just about everyone. Makes me question if anyone can ever really be trusted. I'm glad he moved out so I have space to think, but it's a lot emptier than I thought. All I think about is this and that makes me so mad that he could screw me over like this when I've been through so much. How can he say he still feels sorry for her and their break up many years ago when I have almost died and been such a loyal and devoted mom and wife? I've never crossed any lines of marriage and never thought about it. I've been unhappy at times but never thought to go find my ex and start texting him. It is a horrible feeling to feel betrayed. The worst part is that I have no trust at all not an ounce. I would have to spy constantly and that stresses me to think about. I suspect also that he knew I was a stay at home mom and he pays the bills and that maybe since he's doing all that that I would just accept it and feel kind of trapped. I do feel that way sometimes but I know that's no way to live. The ex was already planning to move back. Of course I know this because of previous times ive found out they were communicating. So I knew she'd be here this summer, just didn't know if catch my husband talking to her! *sigh-
I told him I wanted to do the wondershare thing. He hadn't responded but I sent it late last night. The thing is I've told him before about wondershare and he knows what it is and I've told him in the past I needed to test his phone to make sure he wasn't lying and he couldn't let me do it. He said there were some things on there, not related to that, that he didn't want me to see and that he didn't want me to use against him if we get divorced. Haha wow I sound so stupid now that I'm actually reading what I just wrote. I know, it sounds pretty pathetic.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Haybank1548 said:


> You are all right. I have tolerated it too long. He told me that* she made him feel desired and wanted and it was an escape *but the difference is that I'm the one he loves. Gee, thanks! Ha.


WARNING!!! WARNING!!!!! THIS is only the tip of the iceberg. THOSE words right there are the reason most everyone has an EA- bc they don't turn to their partner, they turn to a third part to get these needs fulfilled.

This is most definitely an EA at very very least. And believe me, an EA is catastrophic to your marriage. He is giving his emotion to another woman and to make it worse its an Ex- super dangerous bc there is way too much familiarity. This is a worst case scenario bc he's been in this for what sounds like YEARS!

Go silent, do as you 've been instructed and find all info possible- completely silently. Since he wont hand over his phone or email he's absolutely lying about every word he says.

IS she married or in a relationship? If she is expose her!!! Hard and without warning. Second, as others have said serve him with D papers- this will either shake him into reality or let you know hes gone for good so you can move on.

AND you do not sound stupid. You trusted your H. He didn't deserve it. NOW you know you cant trust him, what you do from here will tell what youre made of.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

About a week or two before I found him talking to her on snapchat, he was also really harsh to me when we would argue. Criticizing me a lot and poking fun at some of my downfalls I have due to having anxiety, just really loud and angry and hurtful worlds...not usually how he is with me at all. At one point when we were fighting he said how tired he was of me and he was just tired of all of this and getting "burnt out". I found out he's been talking To her a few days later. I kept thinking "what is wrong with him??? Why is he being like this to me?" I guess now I know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Haybank you are not pathetic, you are in a difficult position with 3 young kids. You need to act fast and put in place a plan of action. Your H is in an A fog and the reality of what he is doing has not hit him. You need to follow the usual steps that you see on the forum.

1. tell all family, his, yours, as well as all friends about what he has just done. Don't keep this a secret, especially tell his parents what he is doing, make his world uncomfortable.
2. Go to a lawyer asap and see what your rights are, file divorce papers asap, if you get a head start here it will be an advantage seeing as you are a SAHM, do not tell your WH
3. get a support network for yourself in place (i.e sisters, close friends)
4. Consider IC to get you through this as the days ahead will be dark (but not forever)
5. Assume your WH does not have your best interests at heart, he might think he can do this for a while and you will take him back, do not be his plan B. He is lying through his teeth and it is highly likely that this is already a PA or heading that direction
6. Does his OW have a SO? If so try and contact them and let them know what is happening. If she is from the area and has parents, tell them too, blow this up.
7. Do the 180 on him - no contact, no discussion about anything, no help, no nothing, only factual business like stuff such as house, children and finances

For a man to do this when you have 3 young kids and plan it over a period of time, says alot about him. Stay strong and keep posting.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Well, he is already hiding, and will just end up getting a burner phone, or mp3 player/tablet that can run snapchat.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Haybank1548 said:


> About a week or two before I found him talking to her on snapchat, he was also really harsh to me when we would argue. Criticizing me a lot and poking fun at some of my downfalls I have due to having anxiety, just really loud and angry and hurtful worlds...not usually how he is with me at all. At one point when we were fighting he said how tired he was of me and he was just tired of all of this and getting "burnt out". I found out he's been talking To her a few days later. I kept thinking "what is wrong with him??? Why is he being like this to me?" I guess now I know.


Please try and address our questions so we can help you.

A couple of us have asked
1. if she has a Husband or Boyfriend.?
2. Where is her family located?
3. What about your Husbands family? Do they know? if not tell them immediately. ALL OF IT.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

I do not think she has a boyfriend. She was with a guy for awhile last year but they broke up last November sometime and that is when she called my husband drunk saying no guy compared to him nomatter how hard she tried.
I do not know about her family living here. I don't know where she is living or anything 
I have asked my husband to tell his dad but he refuses because his dad works constantly and is always super stressed and he said this would really stress him out. I don't know if I should be the one to do that...I really wish he would. I hate to bring drama to his family because they're all great people.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Haybank1548 said:


> I do not think she has a boyfriend. She was with a guy for awhile last year but they broke up last November sometime and that is when she called my husband drunk saying no guy compared to him nomatter how hard she tried.
> I do not know about her family living here. I don't know where she is living or anything
> I have asked my husband to tell his dad but he refuses because his dad works constantly and is always super stressed and he said this would really stress him out. I don't know if I should be the one to do that...I really wish he would. I hate to bring drama to his family because they're all great people.


HB,

You must stop being the nice guy here. That is absolutely what your h is counting on!!!!

The first thing you do to a spouse that you are trying to pull out of an A is EXPOSE them!

Secondly do some investigating- find out where her family is. Does she have a fb, LI, etc?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Haybank1548 said:


> Throughout this marriage I have found him occasionally communicating with his ex girlfriend from a long time ago. I discovered a couple years ago that he had saved a few of her old pictures to a file on his computer. He said it was no big deal and he didn't know why he saved it. I stayed the night at the hospital and found out later that my husband had gotten drunk at the hotel that night and emailed his ex, when I questioned it he said he was just very drunk and wanted someone to talk to.
> About 6 months ago I found my husband in his car at 1 AM talking to someone. He said it was his dad but I later discovered it was again his ex. During the time my husband confessed to her that he was basically only with me bc of the kids. He later said he didn't mean that and it wasn't true
> last week I found on his snapchat that he has hidden her screenname under a guy friends name in hopes id never see it. They had talked through snapchat for 37 days straighten, every single day. He swears nothing love related or sexual ever came up
> He says he doesn't even love her at all and doesn't know why he talks to her because he doesn't want to be with her. Said he has a soft spot for her still but nothing more.
> ((


Apparently she mean enough to him for him to put his marriage in jeopardy by lying & continuing to talk to her. When it's clearly causing problems & hurting his wife. I would bet it's physical or he would've stopped already. The way I'm seeing it, She means more to him than his marriage & his family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Haybank1548 said:


> Hello everyone. I'm new here and really need some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
> My husband and I have been married 5 years and have three kids. Throughout this marriage I have found him occasionally communicating with his ex girlfriend from a long time ago. I discovered a couple years ago that he had saved a few of her old pictures to a file on his computer. The pics were old but he didn't save them until 2012.(I saw the dates on when they were saved). This was my first experience with him possibly still having something for his ex but I brushed it off. He said it was no big deal and he didn't know why he saved it. Last year I had our third child and almost died during the delivery from blood loss. My son also almost died and has ended up having lots of problems and we were in the nicu a good bit after he was born. During one of those hospital trips I stayed the night at the hospital and found out later that my husband had gotten drunk at the hotel that night and emailed his ex, just confiding in her and telling her about his mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer and just venting everything wrong with his life to her. I found the email and when I questioned it he said he was just very drunk and wanted someone to talk to.
> That was about 14 months ago. About 6 months ago I found my husband in his car at 1 AM talking to someone. He said it was his dad but I later discovered it was again his ex. She had called him drunk and confessed that she had never fully gotten over him and still loved him. During the time my husband confessed to her that he was basically only with me bc of the kids. He later said he didn't mean that and it wasn't true(that he was only with me for th kids). I told him to never talk to her again and made him block her on his phone.
> Thought we were done with this. But last week I found on his snapchat that he has hidden her screenname under a guy friends name in hopes id never see it. They had talked through snapchat for 37 days straighten, every single day. He swears nothing love related or sexual ever came up but that she was just someone he was talking to about world evens and life in general. Just random stupid stuff basically. I texted the ex and she told me it was totally innocent as well and said it was just random things.
> ...


What are supposed to do isn't at issue here.

It is what HE is supposed to do.

He should go no contact with her and start treating you like his Queen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

I had written him a long message last night just cause I've been so sad and have so many questions still for him. I didn't get any sleep last night so I texted and told him to wake up and give me the answers I need. He called me and said I was asking the same questions over and over and he's getting all mixed up trying to answer them because they're always the same. He told me I was becoming obsessed over this. I just hung up on him. I feel like I needed that today. I cannot believe he screws me over and HE has the attitude with me today. I do ask the same questions but only because I feel like I'm not getting a full answer. You'd think he'd be really sympathetic and do anything I wanted and be ready to do whatever I needed to heal. That was not the case with this call. He acted almost annoyed like I'm the wrong one. Unbelievable. He's texted but I'm going to be strong


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You should not have told him in advance of the Wondershare thing. Now he can completely reformat his phone and (correct me if I'm wrong, Gus) that information will be gone.

With him being out of the house and her being back in town, I'm not so sure this thing hasn't gone physical already.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Believe it or not, he is following the Cheater's Script to a T. EVERY cheater does exactly what he's doing. Try to remember that he is an addict right now - he is addicted to the PEA chemicals flowing through his body that he gets with contact with her - the same chemicals that made the two of YOU feel that way about each other when YOU were dating.

And just like every other cheater, if you want him back, YOU MUST EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. You have to tell his dad, his mom, his siblings, anyone else whose respect he craves. I know that's a scary thought, but you came here for advice, and that's the advice you need to hear, because it's the only thing that has a chance at stopping the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy; depend on people like you keeping quiet out of fear. But your marriage can survive his anger; it can't survive another woman. 

Tell everyone who matters. Ask them to talk to him about what he's throwing away. Ask them to tell him they won't welcome her as your replacement (if that is how they feel; they may not; but ask anyway). Tell them that if he will agree to end contact with her, you're willing to look at ANY issues he has with you and address them - and if after that he's still not wanting to stay married, you will walk away; but it's not right or fair to do it while he's in the addiction of an affair.

Then sit back and see what happens. It's the only chance you have to save your marriage.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

He moved out already! He acts like you're bothering him. See a divorce attorney. He has already checked out. No sense in being clingy and demanding. He has chosen. Unfortunately, it is not you. Be strong and start protecting yourself.


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Does anyone know if the Wondershare Fone data recovery is only able to recover data you deleted on just that particular phone? I know that probably sounds like a dumb question but I just wasn't for sure. It would only be texts sent or received from that one phone right?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Haybank1548 said:


> Does anyone know if the Wondershare Fone data recovery is only able to recover data you deleted on just that particular phone? I know that probably sounds like a dumb question but I just wasn't for sure. It would only be texts sent or received from that one phone right?


Uhhh... you can run it against multiple devices. You'd either need to connect each of the devices to the computer on which you're running WDF or, if you're running WDF against either local iTunes or iCloud-based backups, you can run it against any backups that happen to be present.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

The reason he wants you to stop asking 'the same questions' and that 'you're confusing him' is because 1. He doesn't want to talk about it, because he doesn't want to fix it. 2. Because what he's told you is lies. Therefore he doesn't want to talk about them. He doesn't want to keep repeating his lies - you just need to accept them and shut up....And if he keeps talking about them he'll get tripped up. It's difficult to remember the made up 'facts'. 

You've given him plenty of ultimatums and he's shown you what he thinks of them. Don't humiliate yourself by giving him another.

You've also confronted him on all you've found. So now he knows how to hide it better. If you take him back he will not change and will hide things far better because he knows what you're looking for. You've also told him about wonderfone. He's refused you on that already. And is now busy trying to find out how to avoid capture through that avenue. 

The only option you have now, whether you want to save your marriage or not, is to go nuclear. Expose him to all, expose her if you can. And proceed with divorce. Show him you are not to be messed with. This is the only thing that will pull him back to earth, have a renewed respect for you, and make him make the decision you've been trying to get him to make since you discovered his long standing continued relationship with his ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Haybank1548 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well, we did the wonderfone last night. He was so weird about it and nervous. I only did the free trial so the data recovery of his deleted Texts were kind of messed up and not all there and skipped around on the convo. But right as he was about to unplug it I managed to find a text to her saying "see you soon" and she said something like "just fair warning I'm a mess down there". (I know, gross. What a turn on!!" I demanded my husband tell me the truth and he said that 1.5 years ago we got in a big fight and he was Out of town visiting a friend and got drunk and decided to start texting his ex and they ended up face timing and talkin inappropriately(that's why he said it was said "see you soon"). I believed him but still had that gut feeling. Sure felt like something more. Today I told him the data recovery system would only recover files from his current phone and he did not have the same phone 1.5 years ago when he claimed this happened. He changed the story and said ok actually it happened back this February while he was out of town again with a friend gambling. He said he thought it would sound better if he said it had happened a while back so that's why he changed the dates. Still didn't feel right. I've been looking on his computer and have found several things that I think he was sending her(just random things) and then BAM. I saw a picture of a copy of a receipt booking his hotel for out of town where he was going to do some classes for his job. What do you know....the town he went to take the course was right close to his ex!!!! I knew he had gone to take those courses but I was assured by him that of course I had nothing to worry about. Now this isn't confirmed by my husband yet but I'm just about positive I know the truth. I think it's safe to say the "see you soon" was in January when he was out of town right by where she lived. So I'm betting they had sex. Wow! I'm devastated. He will likely deny his but I know it's true


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

let them have each other, they deserve each other. don't ever think their relationship will be blessed. God don't bless mess. is the truth, i saw it many times.

i know exactly how you feel...please know that the pain will not last for ever. 

in the end you will get out of this stronger.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
What you must do now is face the reality that your H is that in name only. He has been playing you for along time now and thinking he can keep you fooled. Without remorse and regret reconciliation is simply not possible. By kicking him out you have probably assisted him in seeing her. Not that it would have mattered, he was going to see her anyway.

I regret to say I agree with most here that you have very little chance of this marriage working. In fact, in his current mindset you have no chance at all. He must grow up in order to have any chance of seeing his bad behavior and that is next to impossible. Believing he has changed is merely fooling yourself. If he had changed you would know it, for sure. He is trying to lie his way through marriage while still having the freedom to follow his impulses. He is not H material. The sooner you can accept this the sooner you can move on and find a real man and have a real family. You deserve it and your three children do as well. Good fortune to you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sorry to say, but what you wrote is no surprise. The only surprise is that he gave you his phone...though he was backed into a corner wasn't he. He refuses, it's a total admission (like it was last time but you didn't listen to his complete admission back then). He gives it you, there's a small chance nothing will come up. I'm afraid that what you've found is not all there is. Of course there's more! (Sorry. Gross I know. Please see it though). He will only admit to what he's been found out on. Anyone who's been with an unremorseful cheater, this scenario is all too familiar. They only admit to what you know. If they were truly sorry, they would act differently, sorry, and remorseful. He is unremorseful. Not just now, but also before. The fact he has stuck two fingers up at all your ultimatums and continued regardless. He has no intention of stopping and never did.

The worst thing you can do is stay with him while he continues. As an above poster said, you leaving him won't push him further to her. He was going to be with her anyway. Just remove yourself from the sordid equation. 

I really feel for you, it's a sh1t place to be. It's clear you are still in denial about what he is and what you have to do. That time will come I hope. You have to go nuclear. This is the only way he will really see the effects of his actions and feel the full effects of what he's done. Don't give him a cotton wool soft landing by allowing him to be rewarded by you not dealing with this situation properly and effectively. 

He will gain respect for you if you deal with this properly. Yes he might (will) get angry, but he'll have a renewed respect for you. He won't respect you if you fall for his manipulations and give him a soft landing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He's been seeing her for at least 1.5 years that he's admitted to. You don't continue a 'relationship' over that time with no contact other than 2 fvcks. There's a lot more to this.

How long has he been back in contact with her? 

How many days holiday from work does he have? Does he work away a lot? Does he suddenly seem shirt on holidays even though he hasn't taken many?

He's a liar and deceitful man. I'm sorry you found yourself with him. It's one of the worst situations ever when it's your own little family thrown away by the one person who should be protecting it. Men like him are stunted children grown into pretend adults, selfish, manipulative. Not worth the energy of the breath it takes to say 'fvck off'....ooh can you tell I'm seeing my man right here????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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