# Seriously?



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So for those that don't know me I am HD and H is LD. I have been exploring ways to get our intimacy to be more frequent. 

This just happened, and it is just a sample of what frustrates me...

I have been teasing him for a couple of days saying "I'm gonna get you" and flirting with him other ways. Hoping it will lead up to some weekend sex, which is my only chance to get it, if at all. I've also dropped hints about trying to learn a few new things I want to try on him.

So we were sitting on our couch next to each other and I said, "what are you looking at?" To which he said, "mufflers, what are you looking at?" I said "anal beads from a sex toy store."

Ok, if I had uttered this sentence to any one I have ever dated or pretty much any man I know, they would have been all over that. My H went in to make a sandwich. 

It's reactions like this that diminish my hopes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I could not live with that. I simply couldn't, no matter how wonderful he might be in every other area of life, I could not tolerate that disinterest. 

I don't know if @Holland knows of you or your sitch, but she went through a sexless marriage and tried for YEARS to tap into her husband's sexual interest. She finally gave up and left him. Then she met Mr Perfect in every way and has been married to him for a while now. 

I think men like this either have a physiological problem, or they have a control/passive aggressive problem.

I could not ever live with a man who did not return my desire.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I could not live with that. I simply couldn't, no matter how wonderful he might be in every other area of life, I could not tolerate that disinterest.
> 
> I don't know if @Holland knows of you or your sitch, but she went through a sexless marriage and tried for YEARS to tap into her husband's sexual interest. She finally gave up and left him. Then she met Mr Perfect in every way and has been married to him for a while now.
> 
> ...


It scares me that you might be right...I posted this because it was a very simple situation, and I couldn't even imagine that he wouldn't take immediate interest in what I was doing. I was wrong. Again...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> So we were sitting on our couch next to each other and I said, "what are you looking at?" To which he said, "mufflers, what are you looking at?" I said "anal beads from a sex toy store."
> 
> Ok, if I had uttered this sentence to any one I have ever dated or pretty much any man I know, they would have been all over that. My H went in to make a sandwich.
> 
> It's reactions like this that diminish my hopes.


I don't know, if my wife surprised me with something like anal beads while I was in the middle of trying to understand auto-repair schematics and labor estimates, my brain would probably become discombobulated. 
@Spicy imagine I was your husband and even more HD than you. I ask what you are up to, and you explain that you are trying to help your dad understand his explanation of benefits the insurance company sent him for his physical therapy he needs from a recent accident. Then I look at you and say, well I'm thinking about this kinky urethral catheter I got for you! 

..odds are just getting up and making yourself a sandwich as opposed to unleashing armageddon upon me would be the humane thing to do. 

Perhaps you are trying too hard! Keep it simple and make it super easy for him to please you sexually. Try asking him to take a bubble bath with you while you enjoy playing with some waterproof toys. If he joins in the action great, if not just enjoy him holding you.

Badsanta


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

@badsanta makes a great point.

I am more HD than my H and I find when I try too hard it does the opposite affect. 



Sent from my iPhone


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Try not to get frustrated with him. 
He may not be into anal. 
I found the best way is to find out what hubby is interested in is talking after sex he's more open then.
Does he watch porn? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

LOL!

And there in lies the difference between men and women. My sympathies Spicy, that sucks, really. 

I'd say almost all men go through life knowing that if they wanted to make such a statement it had better be with the right women, at just the right time. And still, the chance of rejection might be 50/50 at best. Pick the wrong women (99.9999998% of the pop.) and a 911 call is likely .

The women knows she'll get a smile at worst 9 out of 10 times. She generally knows she ought to be prepared to follow through as well, that's a different issue...


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So for those that don't know me I am HD and H is LD. I have been exploring ways to get our intimacy to be more frequent.
> 
> This just happened, and it is just a sample of what frustrates me...
> 
> ...


Men just don't switch that easily from just words. Now, if you had given him something to LOOK AT when you said that, like your a&&, I'd wager his reaction would've been much different. Could be wrong, but I do know that men are very visual.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Men just don't switch that easily from just words.


Some do... :wink2:

Every time my wife starts a sentence with "want to..." I usually end up dialing back the desires because the sentence ends with another house project. :laugh:


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> @badsanta makes a great point.
> 
> I am more HD than my H and I find when I try too hard it does the opposite affect.
> 
> ...


I didn't think joking with him about looking at sex toys was trying hard, but I will process what you guys are saying. I was simply flirting and thought maybe I would get a sassy sexy reply or glimmer of interest. He wasn't doing some research project, just browsing also. Anyway...maybe it is being perceived as trying to hard.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Try not to get frustrated with him.
> He may not be into anal.
> I found the best way is to find out what hubby is interested in is talking after sex he's more open then.
> Does he watch porn?
> ...


Anal is what he jokes about the most, so I thought I would see what stuff there was available. This was not a planned conversation either..lol just happened but I was disappointed that he didn't engage about it at all.

He used to watch a lot of porn. He was single until 40, with some relationships sprinkled in there. Doesn't watch much if any now. Unless he is watching it when I am asleep.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Men just don't switch that easily from just words. Now, if you had given him something to LOOK AT when you said that, like your a&&, I'd wager his reaction would've been much different. Could be wrong, but I do know that men are very visual.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


I agree to some extent, but also know that many men don't get into playing in sh*t, either their own or their spouse's. So, everyone is different. Oh, and I know there is supposedly none.

The statement was ambiguous and could have gone either way. She is being the aggressor, so, I'd have to wonder. Not that there is anything wrong with being the aggressor, but men don't usually read minds that well.

Lose respect and lose desire, in some relationships. 

Why is it that some women know the ways to act and what to say to make a certain man desire shoot through the roof and others do not? 

Maybe what he needs is so "perverted or twisted", :laugh:, you haven't been able to draw it out because you aren't even close? There are levels and types of things that are a turn on, while other things which seem related are a turn off. 

OR

Maybe he's a missionary type guy with little need for exploration and your suggestions a turn off?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Men just don't switch that easily from just words. Now, if you had given him something to LOOK AT when you said that, like your a&&, I'd wager his reaction would've been much different. Could be wrong, but I do know that men are very visual.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


Exactly!!! I fully expected the next word out of his mouth to be "Let me see!!!"


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I agree to some extent, but also know that many men don't get into playing in sh*t, either their own or their spouse's. So, everyone is different. Oh, and I know there is supposedly none.
> 
> The statement was ambiguous and could have gone either way. She is being the aggressor, so, I'd have to wonder. Not that there is anything wrong with being the aggressor, but men don't usually read minds that well.
> 
> ...


Yeah, if you had read my other posts this would all make more sense. I'm trying to figure out how to be more aggressive because it doesn't come natural.


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Exactly!!! I fully expected the next word out of his mouth to be "Let me see!!!"


Nah, he was already looking at eye candy...car stuff. So his attention was WAY elsewhere. He likely needed and would've responded to, DIFFERENT eye candy...ie) his wife's naked a&&.

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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I agree to some extent, but also know that many men don't get into playing in sh*t, either their own or their spouse's. So, everyone is different. Oh, and I know there is supposedly none.
> 
> The statement was ambiguous and could have gone either way. She is being the aggressor, so, I'd have to wonder. Not that there is anything wrong with being the aggressor, but men don't usually read minds that well.
> 
> ...


True, that anal beads may just not be his "thing". Need to find out what his "thing" IS, and head in that direction. But maybe do so WITH visuals. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Mr A was very peculiar when it comes to telling me about what his turn on were. 
He'd never talk about it during a regular conversation, I got little bits of info here & there out of him during pillow talk. 
Ask him after sex what did he like when he watched porn previously. 
Don't be disappointed with him, if he's never used toys before he may be not interested in them yet. 
My advice would be to take the lead in the bedroom, order what toys you desire & tell him what you need nicely & see if he follows! 
If he refuses tell him jokingly he'll get less special treatment if he doesn't participate! 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I didn't think joking with him about looking at sex toys was trying hard, but I will process what you guys are saying. I was simply flirting and thought maybe I would get a sassy sexy reply or glimmer of interest. He wasn't doing some research project, just browsing also. Anyway...maybe it is being perceived as trying to hard.


As someone earlier said, maybe anal beads turn him off? Find his "thing", what turns him on, and head in that direction, but do so WITH visuals. Hell, if nothing else, walk up to him and slap a tit in his mouth, or drop your drawers and rub it on his hand. If THAT gets no response, then your H has bigger issues than you are equipped to handle and he likely needs a therapist or a Dr who can figure out if there's something physically wrong such as low testosterone. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> As someone earlier said, maybe anal beads turn him off? Find his "thing", what turns him on, and head in that direction, but do so WITH visuals. Hell, if nothing else, walk up to him and slap a tit in his mouth, or drop your drawers and rub it on his hand. If THAT gets no response, then your H has bigger issues than you are equipped to handle and he likely needs a therapist or a Dr who can figure out if there's something physically wrong such as low testosterone.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


> That would do it for me!

That's beautiful...sniff, sniff...:crying: :grin2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Did it look like this?


I now realize I've always imagined using them the wrong way all these years... :surprise:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I now realize I've always imagined using them the wrong way all these years... :surprise:


OMG I added a photo from Miley Cyrus' Wrecking ball and had to delete my post. That turns that video into a whole new meaning!!!! Even I was grossed out....

Badsanta


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

LMAO. Yeah that's quite a video! Too funny!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Spicy said:


> I didn't think joking with him about looking at sex toys was trying hard, but I will process what you guys are saying. I was simply flirting and thought maybe I would get a sassy sexy reply or glimmer of interest. He wasn't doing some research project, just browsing also. Anyway...maybe it is being perceived as trying to hard.


I don't know if "trying too hard" is the exact phrase I would use, but something I figured out way too late in life, is that there is something *un*sexy to many men about a partner who is too eager. Or who is pursuing them.

Sure everyone is different and some men in here would love to have their wife flirt with and pursue them. But if he's LD and you're saying "I'm gonna get you" all week and "looking at anal beads" when he asks what you're doing when he's not thinking sex at all, that may actually be a turn off to him.

Actually pursuing the woman seems to reinforce the idea that he desires her in many men's minds.

Have you tried looking good without looking like you're trying (like wear something flattering and skimply but not overtly sexual like lingerie). Just be around, close to him but not flirting or saying anything suggestive. Let it go on days without any hints from you?

Sorry, you've probably tried that. I don't know what to suggest you do differently. I assume if you're HD and he's LD if you were to just ignore him and not flirt he might happily go on browsing mufflers for days.... I just know that for many people, just knowing the other person is super eager/available can cause reflexively be a turn off.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@badsanta, 

"kinky urethral catheter" is this a for realz? If so, just what does it do? And, why? If not, try sticking to the Jello fantasies. lol Less chance of getting hurt.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> @badsanta,
> 
> *"kinky urethral catheter" is this a for realz? If so, just what does it do? And, why?* If not, try sticking to the Jello fantasies. lol Less chance of getting hurt.


It is kind of a hybrid of water sports (people that like to include urination as part of sexual play), and a medical fetish (people that like to pretend to be a nurse or doctor during sexual play). A rather unlikely combination, but there are likely those out there that would really be into it. The reason I chose that was to try and think of an idea that is likely just as repulsive to an HD person as anal beads would be to an LD person.

Right now I'm reminded of a comedian that said if we could actually smell what was going on in all of the porn we watch, that there would be infinitely less porn in the world!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Poor Spicey, you can't win for trying.

You wrote this in your first thread



> says he has never been with a woman that likes sex. I'm the first. He also says once a month is plenty for him. I would be ok with a couple times a week.
> 
> Here are the other things that are challenging to me:
> 
> ...


To recap: 
1. Your husband has a very low sex drive, for a man with a normal level of testosterone.
2. He has never been with a woman who liked sex so he never developed his love making skills. 
3. He has shown little to no interest in YOUR body but is very happy to have HIS body attended to.
4. The only sex position he wants is cowgirl. The one in which the women is doing a lot of the work and the man has a built in very sex visual to keep himself stimulated.
5. You thought being more aggressive might work, but it hasn't.
6. You're now being told that you're trying too hard.

Spicey, your husband is sexually selfish and boring. You're going to have to communicate to him, very clearly, that the sex life you two have been having for the last two years (the whole of your marriage) will not work for you. He needs to understand what exactly you want from him. And you're going to have to spell it out.

Honey I want us to have sex a few times a week. I want to feel desired by you and you can show this by flirting with me, by initiating sex more often, by showing interest in touching my body in ways that turn me and build my arousal. For instance touching my breats this way... Touching my lady parts this way. I would love it is you gave me oral sex as often as I give it to you.

You can make all that sound nice or break it into chunks for different conversations but you're going to have to say those things to him. If you do not see improvement you likely never will.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Well, that back story is illuminating 

I liked AP's post. I'd add something to think about. You've basically got a flip flopped situation here. You are in the position of the male in a normal relationship and he has the position of the female. I'd doubt you'll be able to get him to behave like a male with that low a sex drive. You may be able to cajole him in to more frequent activity but you are always going to be pushing him. Can you live with that?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Poor Spicey, you can't win for trying.
> 
> You wrote this in your first thread
> 
> ...


Yes, you hit the nail on the head...you get my situation exactly. I have said the things you mentioned...all of them....in convos together, and separate. In my attempt to be more aggressive I was telling him what to do with my breasts and had him put them in his mouth. I think that is all he did...have them sit in his mouth. I'm dumbfounded here. 

He said in another conversation he has never had sex that was more than 5-10 minutes. In trying to determine things he might like or fantasies he wants to try etc, all I got out of him is the stuff I do that doesn't "do anything for him" (kissing him, kissing his neck, licking/sucking his nipples etc.). Granted, I do want to know this, and have noted all of the above, but basically we are back to just porn sex. Only touch his d!ck, balls and a$$. The "other girls" never did any of this other stuff.

He knows I love to kiss, (he doesn't like it) but whenever we do, he acts like he can't breathe. He stops every few seconds to breathe, never letting their be any build up. 

Yet, when we first had sex he kissed up a storm, and had no breathing issues...interesting huh?

After this weekend I am so beyond frustrated with him. We were messing around, and he came while I was giving him a HJ. So I said, we are not done, I need to cum too. I got out my vibe but he was so ambivalent toward it all that I couldn't cum...though I tried a while. Once I gave up he actually said "Wow, you don't give up easy, do you? You did that forever!" (AKA less than 5 minutes). WTF? Who says sh!t like that???? GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

I agree with you Anon Pink, he is selfish and boring in bed!!!!

Annoyed, annoyed, annoyed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My sexual experience has been abnormal, I guess. I get/got plenty of sex from anyone I've ever bend with. The ladies were always ready, with the small exception of my ex wife in our early years. That was only because it was extremely HD, and knew I was unreasonably wanting it every night and morning which was too much for 99% of people--- even me now. But she was fine with every other day or so and wanted it more as she aged, not less.
So hearing if all the women not wanting sex is foreign to me.

A few comments to OP:

My fiancée has a higher drive than even me. She does shove things in my face, etc. I don't like it if I'm not really "ready", as in haven't had any in a day or two. She's come in the living room naked in the evening and asked to play, after having had sex that morning---I wasn't "recovered" and felt pressured and it was kinda a turn-off. Just the opposite of how I'd feel if I hadn't done anything in a couple of days.
I personally don't think anything would work if he's as LD as you say. Turning on some porn in front of him might, but that's a dangerous road to start on, I think.

I really think he needs to see a dr and get checked out. Once a month for a man is really, really low desire if he's not super old.
If he masturbates, I think that is extremely detrimental with his LD already. And it also desensitizes him, I think. Nobody's V is as strong as a man hand, lol.
That could easily make it difficult for him to climax.

You might try some back rubbing and lead into some other rubbing and see if he gets aroused.

I doubt the sudden nudity or anything else really shocking would work when he's not wanting it. Maybe if you had a truly spectacular body..... Like a model or something-- prolly not even then...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You know what I neglected to piece together?

If your H has never been with a woman who liked sex, it may not have prevented him from developing skills. If HE liked sex, HE would have discovered ways to get his partner to like sex more.

So I suggest that his perception, "none of the women I've been with have liked sex" is actually blame shifting. The real truth is that he has never been good at sex so he has never had a partner who liked sex...with him!

Spicey, you picked the wrong man for husband #2.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> You know what I neglected to piece together?
> 
> If your H has never been with a woman who liked sex, it may not have prevented him from developing skills. If HE liked sex, HE would have discovered ways to get his partner to like sex more.
> 
> ...


I (and he) agree with you yet again...he says often that the women probably didn't like it because he was a bad lover. I would never say those words to him because I want to build up his confidence, not tear it down...but I think that is very likely the case. None of his relationships lasted, and why the women didn't like sex, was because he hasn't bothered to learn anything or try anything. 

I love him so much, and if I can get over being UBER annoyed like I am right now with him, I think I can get back on trying to see if I can make anything work...he says he wants to do "whatever it takes to make me happy". We shall see. 

Like many ppl on TAM, this is our only challenge. We are so well matched in all other areas. I know all couples face challenges, and this is ours. I wish I didn't care...but I do, and I freakin love sex. And I damn well want it with my freakin hot husband!!!!


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I read this whole thread and I just can't relate to Spicey's husband here. If my wife blurted out "looking at anal beads" while I was reading about Mufflers, I'd be like .... "Oh do tell me more. What type of beads are these?" And I'm at all turned off by anything anal. So even if she blurted out something that's a "turn off" I'd still perk up.
I guess I'm just too much of a pervert to pass up the topic of sex.

The closest I can come up with is when I've been in relationships where the woman is higher D than me (it seems literally impossible but it has happened,) I've taken it for granted and essentially gotten bored with it. It's about as interesting as having another salad. But I rarely ever passed it up and put . I was also open to anything that sounded disgusting as something I could turn into something that wasn't (I might turn a suggestion for anal play into something I like) or find a way to make it interesting to me.

I mean, I just don't get it. I'm so motivated by sex I'll go down for an hour just to make sex last longer.

I have to wonder, is it possible he's gay?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Spicy, go buy some new underwear that shows your curves, cut just above your pubic bone and shows a little cheek in the rear (maybe a little camel toe) Try them on and ask him how they look. 
If he ignores you, you've got the wrong man and it ain't gonna get no better. If you want to keep him around after that, with the fire in your blood, you may need to find someone that can handle it. Chances are that's what's gonna happen eventually. 
There is little as painful as a being hot for loving and a spouse not interested.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Spicy, go buy some new underwear that shows your curves, cut just above your pubic bone and shows a little cheek in the rear (maybe a little camel toe) Try them on and ask him how they look.
> If he ignores you, you've got the wrong man and it ain't gonna get no better. If you want to keep him around after that, with the fire in your blood, you may need to find someone that can handle it. Chances are that's what's gonna happen eventually.
> There is little as painful as a being hot for loving and a spouse not interested. Its a craving that gets worse until satisfied.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Spicy said:


> I (and he) agree with you yet again...he says often that the women probably didn't like it because he was a bad lover. I would never say those words to him because I want to build up his confidence, not tear it down...but I think that is very likely the case. None of his relationships lasted, and why the women didn't like sex, was because he hasn't bothered to learn anything or try anything.
> 
> I love him so much, and if I can get over being UBER annoyed like I am right now with him, I think I can get back on trying to see if I can make anything work...he says he wants to do "whatever it takes to make me happy". We shall see.
> 
> Like many ppl on TAM, this is our only challenge. We are so well matched in all other areas. I know all couples face challenges, and this is ours. I wish I didn't care...but I do, and I freakin love sex. And I damn well want it with my freakin hot husband!!!!



Spicy I'm sure your husband is a fantastic guy, who just happens to suck in bed. But there's also something else at play here, aside from the very pertinent facts that he walks the line of being asexual and when he does let it out of his pants it's only for his enjoyment. 

You've got no boundaries. 
The man is selfish.
The man doesn't seem to care how it hurts you that he remains uninterested in you sexually. He is uninterested in your body and uninterested in your pleasure. If he ever cared about any woman's pleasure he would have developed skills to give that pleasure. But he tosses up his hands and says "I'm not good at sex I don't know what you want from me but it better not be better sex cause that isn't happening because I'm no good at sex." 

Okay then.

Why aren't you listening to him tell you who he is?

Why do you love a man who doesn't care about your pleasure?

Let me tell you how this ends. One of two ways...
1. It doesn't. You keep hoping and trying and he keeps saying he sucks.
2. You but a limit down, a firm and enforceable limit and you make plans to exit.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Spicy, go buy some new underwear that shows your curves, cut just above your pubic bone and shows a little cheek in the rear (maybe a little camel toe) Try them on and ask him how they look.
> If he ignores you, you've got the wrong man and it ain't gonna get no better. If you want to keep him around after that, with the fire in your blood, you may need to find someone that can handle it. Chances are that's what's gonna happen eventually.
> There is little as painful as a being hot for loving and a spouse not interested.


Hope she gets something like this reaction.

How do they look?! :surprise: humina humina humina have to...never mind, I forgot what I was thinking. I hate when that happens. :wink2:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Spicy I'm sure your husband is a fantastic guy, who just happens to suck in bed. But there's also something else at play here, aside from the very pertinent facts that he walks the line of being asexual and when he does let it out of his pants it's only for his enjoyment.
> 
> You've got no boundaries.
> The man is selfish.
> ...


She loves him and takes too much responsibility for making him happy. She figures, as many women, if he doesn't want her, it must be something she is doing wrong, or not doing. Her looks, clothing, makeup, etc. 

Unfortunately, that isn't the case in many of these. It seems highly unlikely in her case. 

It's within the spouse who has the issue. 

Love clouds all of that sensible thinking for her. 

She still wants to try, though. At least, for a little while. I think time limits aren't such a bad idea. Along with good strong plans that involve both of them, I think there is at least a small chance.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Spicy I'm sure your husband is a fantastic guy, who just happens to suck in bed. But there's also something else at play here, aside from the very pertinent facts that he walks the line of being asexual and when he does let it out of his pants it's only for his enjoyment.
> 
> You've got no boundaries.
> The man is selfish.
> ...


I agree with Anon, you need to set boundaries. You will be the best judge of what boundaries to put in place. Sleeping in separate bedrooms, moving out temporarily.

The point is, you're allowing him be selfish, rewarding his behavior by treating him well. He needs a serious kick in the nuts, and will then have to decide who he loves more. Himself, or you.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

BioFury said:


> I agree with Anon, you need to set boundaries. You may be the best judge of what boundaries to put in place. Sleeping in separate bedrooms, moving out temporarily... whatever you think will get his attention, and put him in a painful state.
> 
> The point is, you're allowing him be selfish, rewarding his behavior by treating him well. He needs a serious kick in the nuts, and will then have to decide who he loves more. Himself, or you.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

And, what the heck is going on with TMB? Can you no longer edit posts?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I disagree with moving out. When that happens, the marriage is over. You may as well give him divorce papers if you are going to move out.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I disagree with moving out. When that happens, the marriage is over. You may as well give him divorce papers if you are going to move out.


I'm not moving out, that isn't an option on the table.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Spicy, go buy some new underwear that shows your curves, cut just above your pubic bone and shows a little cheek in the rear (maybe a little camel toe) Try them on and ask him how they look.
> If he ignores you, you've got the wrong man and it ain't gonna get no better. If you want to keep him around after that, with the fire in your blood, you may need to find someone that can handle it. Chances are that's what's gonna happen eventually.
> There is little as painful as a being hot for loving and a spouse not interested.


He loves sexy panties, especially those that sneak up the bum a little. I shower every night before bed, and always wear sexy panties. He enjoys looking at what I have on each night, and exploring them. He always comments on them. But I know he doesn't like night sex, (says he is too tired, he has a very stressful job) so it generally doesn't go any further.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Spicy said:


> He loves sexy panties, especially those that sneak up the bum a little. I shower every night before bed, and always wear sexy panties. He enjoys looking at what I have on each night, and exploring them. He always comments on them. But I know he doesn't like night sex, (says he is too tired, he has a very stressful job) so it generally doesn't go any further.


I can understand he's tired & stressed at work. 
My husband works 12+ hours & night shifts. 
Our sex is limited to his days off, it's once a week usually. 
Since I've started my therapy my drive is increasing where before I didn't mind weekly. 
Also before I had been focusing all the attention on him & no return for me. 
So he doesn't get anything if he doesn't participate in what I want to do. 
Maybe you need to stop spoiling Mr S for a while. 
If he's getting everything handed to him easy he's not going to make an effort. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Damn girls, I show don't know what's ailing your husbands. I've been everything from a revenue agent, CPA, tax attorney, business owner to a college professor, and I ain't never been under enough stress to ignore sexy panties. Sides that, gently working those things off has been probably the best stress reliever I can name.
With me at least, the more stress get thrown at me, the more a need a woman, warm and willing, to help dissipate that stress.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Low d and high d marriage--- gotta be rough.

I disagree with all the ultimatums.

Talk to the guy and explain your needs. He says he wants you happy.
He may just not be capable of making you happy sexually, and I think that's likely. He doesn't sound interested in sex. At all. Once a month? That's like 75 year old sex appetite. 

You really need to accept that you will likely never be satisfied sexually with this man. If you can't accept it, it may cause you a lot of heartache.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Think I'd become dry as the Sahara desert if I had to practically beg my significant other for sex. You really need to decide if you can live like this forever, because sex should be a mutually rewarding thing, not something you have to go through all this trouble to 'get.' Sex isn't ''everything'' in a relationship, but it strikes me as it is important to you, and if it simply isn't to him, you need to find a way to either cope with it, or move on. Can't really see him changing.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> She loves him and takes too much responsibility for making him happy. She figures, as many women, if he doesn't want her, it must be something she is doing wrong, or not doing. Her looks, clothing, makeup, etc.
> 
> Unfortunately, that isn't the case in many of these. It seems highly unlikely in her case.
> 
> ...




Bingo.
My H is lower drive than me and when he turns down my advances I come away, as a gut reaction, it has to be me. Am I not attractive to him anymore...like wth?
But it is a matter of him not being into it...for whatever reason.
I know you are frustrated and I don't blame you. 
Has he been checked out medically? 


Sent from my iPhone


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just know that you are not alone. 

I don't have any answers for you, or even suggestions....but I've been there. My ex was very macho, verbally. He talked with sexual innuendos, commented on women in general, watched porn, etc.. SEEMED like a sexual guy. But he'd only give it up once a week and would not try new things. Anything I tried- lingerie, oils, massages, positions, etc- was scoffed at, and even laughed at. 

For 23 years. He didn't change. I didn't know way back then about red flags, or HD/LD (he SOUNDED HD). I just kept trying things, to no avail. And yes, my self esteem took a hit. 

He ended up leaving. Said he was tired of doing the whole "marriage thing" and wanted some variety. LOL...all talk till the end! 

Now, I have my perfect match. For the past ten years it's been ridiculously awesome sex....every day! 

So really, my message is do what you can, don't get down on yourself about it, and eventually you'll either give up (I did quit trying and just eventually took what I could get with subtle hints and pushes that still didn't do anything) and you'll adjust to his way. Or one of you may get tired of having to work so hard for something so basic...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Just know that you are not alone.
> 
> I don't have any answers for you, or even suggestions....but I've been there. My ex was very macho, verbally. He talked with sexual innuendos, commented on women in general, watched porn, etc.. SEEMED like a sexual guy. But he'd only give it up once a week and would not try new things. Anything I tried- lingerie, oils, massages, positions, etc- was scoffed at, and even laughed at.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Oops. That was supposed to be an edit. Not a quote.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have seen this so many times in discussions. I've lived it. 

HD/LD is absolutely miserable and rarely gets better if there is a really difference in base desire. Sex means very different things to natural LDs and HDs. The LD cannot understand how you feel, nor can you understand how he feels. 

It sucks. no good way out


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Spicy said:


> He loves sexy panties, especially those that sneak up the bum a little. I shower every night before bed, and always wear sexy panties. He enjoys looking at what I have on each night, and exploring them. He always comments on them. But I know he doesn't like night sex, (says he is too tired, he has a very stressful job) so it generally doesn't go any further.


I know personally my sex drive is at it lowest around 11PM, which is coincidentally the only time of day my wife is interested in sex. Men produce testosterone while sleeping, so it's highest in the early morning hours around 4-5AM. Personally I wake up horny, may stay that way throughout the day, but it generally wears off by night.
Tire+Low Drive=Ambivalent about sex.
That being said, if it's been a few days I always rally for some.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I've read that about the testosterone being high early in the day.

However, around 3-5 pm my drive is usually high. And if it kicks in then, it's usually low that night and I don't even want any.

I wonder about it all. Sex drive is weird stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Grrrrrrr......Ughhhhhhhh..... This post makes me a blend of pissed off and green with envy. 

I'm the male version of you - I try to make snarky sexual innuendos during the day thinking, "this will get her cranked up for later" and then she sits on the couch with the damn dog on her lap.

Or

I'll make a sexual comment (maybe not anal beads - but hey - I'll give it a shot and see what happens)- and I get this frowned up face like I just farted in church. 

I miss my GF who would have let out a "Whoooo --- do say" and been good-to-go.

Why do we not settle down with the ones we were suited for all along? :-(


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Low d and high d marriage--- gotta be rough.
> 
> I disagree with all the ultimatums.
> 
> ...


I guess what I can accept is not nearly as much as I want, but more than he would naturally want. Like once a week...I could live with that. The man is hot, and he is well equipped and damn, has soooo much potential!!!!! 

If I can figure out how to tap into it, I guess I would probably be unbearable to be around then :grin2:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Spicy mi lady, you ain't doing anything wrong. You put a feast before him and he just doesn't seem to have an appetite. What more can a woman do Mon Chéri? He may be hot with a lot of potential, but you may have to face it that he's all hat and no cattle.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Just know that you are not alone.
> 
> Now, I have my perfect match. For the past ten years it's been ridiculously awesome sex....every day!
> ...


I am SO happy you found your perfect match. I truly am!

Here's my thing...I was married over 20 years to a man who 5 years in became severely depressed, anxious, paranoid, suicidal, on and on. I am happy by nature. I know he couldn't help it. Plus the things he could do to help, he wouldn't follow through on. It was a terrible life for me with him. Trying to protect the kids, make sure their world stayed happy in spite of how my world was, being texted hundreds of times a day by their dad and his overwhelming emotional problems. But I poured my soul into him every, single day...until I had no joy left. Then when I ran out of joy, I could help him no more. I felt like such a failure to him and our kids. I was SO exhausted from sadness....

When I looked for a new mate, a man that was happy was at the top of my list. My hubby wakes up genuinely happy and sings every morning of our lives. Although he has a high stress job, he stays happy most of the time. I love this SO much.

I dated the guy who was my sexual equivalent after I split from my first husband. The sex was MIND BLOWING. He was a piece of sh!t. That's not to say that someone great with the same sex drive wasn't out there...but the fact is, I'm totally in love with my husband...he is who I picked. Even though he drives me bat sh!t crazy in this area...I'm devoted to him and us. So will keep trying my best, and hope he will too. I am thankful to be able to vent on TAM and also get ideas from you all.

Thank you everyone for replying!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jarhed said:


> Grrrrrrr......Ughhhhhhhh..... This post makes me a blend of pissed off and green with envy.
> 
> I'm the male version of you - *I try to make snarky sexual innuendos during the day thinking, *"this will get her cranked up for later" and then she sits on the couch with the damn dog on her lap.
> 
> ...


Obviously, your wife isn't into the coarse approach. Try the subtle flirting approach. Try complimenting her.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Spicy mi lady, you ain't doing anything wrong. You put a feast before him and he just doesn't seem to have an appetite. What more can a woman do Mon Chéri? He may be hot with a lot of potential, but you may have to face it that he's all hat and no cattle.


You are kind. I try...and try and try...I wish I was a bigger fan of vibrators lol, but damn this girl loves the real deal. 

Where's the beef.>


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

JamesTKirk said:


> I know personally my sex drive is at it lowest around 11PM, which is coincidentally the only time of day my wife is interested in sex. Men produce testosterone while sleeping, so it's highest in the early morning hours around 4-5AM. Personally I wake up horny, may stay that way throughout the day, but it generally wears off by night.
> Tire+Low Drive=Ambivalent about sex.
> That being said, if it's been a few days I always rally for some.


Same. Especially as the ravages of time begin to wear on me, I find that my daily T cycle becomes more pronounced. It's not as easy to rally for a late nighter these days. Morning is a much better bet.

There's a reason guys like messy bed-hair on a lady first thing in the morning.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

uhtred said:


> It sucks. no good way out


Half right. It sucks, and only good way forward is to get out.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jarhed said:


> Grrrrrrr......Ughhhhhhhh..... This post makes me a blend of pissed off and green with envy.
> 
> I'm the male version of you - I try to make snarky sexual innuendos during the day thinking, "this will get her cranked up for later" and then she sits on the couch with the damn dog on her lap.
> 
> ...


Some women use sex to get the ring. It's as simple and as sad ...as that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> So for those that don't know me I am HD and H is LD. I have been exploring ways to get our intimacy to be more frequent.
> 
> This just happened, and it is just a sample of what frustrates me...
> 
> ...


Are you sure he is not gay? I don't mean that as a joke.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Winners make sacrifices, and if you are truly important to your husband, he will make sacrifices to be sure you're happy and satisfied.

If his job is stressing him out, making him tired, etc. then find him a new job. I don't care if it's his calling, he can pursue his calling in some other way, that leaves him capable of pleasing his wife when he gets home.

In truth, people like your husband drive me nuts. If something's important to you, then bulldoze through mountains to get it. Don't you dare tell me how important I am to you, then do nothing but sit there and offer up excuses for why you can't do what's necessary. I call people like that liars.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I may have missed it, but what happens if you initiate in the morning? I think this merits a conversation. Ask him how many times per week he'd be interested in having sex. Ask him if there's anything he likes that would get him in the mood more. Ask him if there's anything you can STOP doing that would help get him in the mood. See if he gives you real suggestions or if he's just trying to blow you off. 

If it's stuff you can work with, and you want to stay with him, I'd say table sex for a bit. Engage if he initiates, but don't initiate yourself. If you need release, do it yourself. During this time, you need to work with your husband. Honestly, he sounds like'd he'd be horrible to have sex with, so I don't know why you're so pressed about it. Train him to become someone that's decent at sex. Work on one or two skills at a time. Learning how to kiss can take a lot of time. That would be important to me. And yes, breasts. Train him in seduction and foreplay. And tell him to dispense with that "are you there yet?" attitude, like yesterday.

I hope you can work it out, but it's sounds like he's giving less than even a half-assed effort at pleasing you. Is he a good husband in other ways? Does he have low self-esteem or a low sex drive, is he inexperienced, passive aggressive, or is he just a selfish jerk? Is it possible he's holding resentment about something you've done?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> I may have missed it, but what happens if you initiate in the morning?
> 
> I hope you can work it out, but it's sounds like he's giving less than even a half-assed effort at pleasing you. Is he a good husband in other ways? Does he have low self-esteem or a low sex drive, is he inexperienced, passive aggressive, or is he just a selfish jerk? Is it possible he's holding resentment about something you've done?


Thanks for the great reply. Let me answer your questions.
If I initiate in the morning, we have much better chance at success. I just don't love morning sex because of morning breath, and it's usually a quickie. He often reminds me this is when works best for him.

He is a great husband in all other aspects. He has good self esteem, other than about his sex skills. He has low sex drive, he is ultimately VERY inexperienced. He is not passive aggressive. He can be slightly selfish, but definitely not a jerk about it. I think mostly the selfishness I notice is from him having lived alone for most of his life, and adapting to a wife and kids. He isn't holding resentment toward me.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Spicy said:


> If I initiate in the morning, we have much better chance at success. I just don't love morning sex because of morning breath, and it's usually a quickie. He often reminds me this is when works best for him.


In that case, please reframe this issue. You guys do not have a sexual mismatch. You have a stubborn / selfish problem. You want sex EXACTLY when and how you want it. 

If your H is willing to give you morning sex, and you turn down the morning sex over morning breath, that is not HIS fault. Put some mouthwash or a toothbrush and a cup of water or even a bowl next to the bed. 30 seconds later you are ready for morning sex. If he is willing to give you morning sex and you don't want a quickie, set the alarm for a little earlier so you guys have time for more than a quickie.

Seems to me the core issue here is that you are insisting on having sex at night when he is tired after a full day of work, and when his T level is lower than when he wakes up. And then complaining that he doesn't have more energy and more T at bedtime. Many men don't. That isn't your H being a selfish jerk. That is you being inflexible and refusing to accept biological reality.

My advice: grab what is apparently readily available, rather than complaining that it isn't exactly what you want.

Also, you say he is inexperienced and unskilled. Speaking as a guy who is also inexperienced and unskilled, I think this may be the door into his sexuality. Make it a game. Make it fun and playful. You are going to teach him how to be a better lover. Yes, that means admitting he isn't perfect already. But come on, he must know this. Which is probably one aspect of why he resists more frequent sex. He knows he isn't all that good at it. You can't address this seriously and earnestly: today I will teach you lesson 47-b on how to be a better lover. You need to be like BadSanta. Comic. A little goofy. Explain that you guys will have "play dates". But 12 flavors of jam at the dollar store and see how each one tastes on various parts of your bodies. Go to the party store and gets some costumes or props. Teach him better technique not by lecturing him but by inventing games that motivate both of you to try new things. Together.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

FWIW, my STB ex and I had this issue, and my problem was, we rarely had "free moments" to act on it. If no one was home, and we could just hang it all out? Sure, maybe, but with the kids around, our best option was hushed quiet sex. Who wants to be teased with all kinds of fantasies and flirting and teasing, only to have the option of waiting until the kids MAY be asleep to have your basic run of the mill "sshhhhhhh, keep it down!" sex???


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Thanks for the great reply. Let me answer your questions.
> If I initiate in the morning, we have much better chance at success. I just don't love morning sex because of morning breath, and it's usually a quickie. He often reminds me this is when works best for him.
> 
> He is a great husband in all other aspects. He has good self esteem, other than about his sex skills. He has low sex drive, he is ultimately VERY inexperienced. He is not passive aggressive. He can be slightly selfish, but definitely not a jerk about it. I think mostly the selfishness I notice is from him having lived alone for most of his life, and adapting to a wife and kids. He isn't holding resentment toward me.


Okay, so I think you should keep him, if in other respects he's all good. You're never too old to learn, and I think you should let him know how his selfish behavior is affecting you. I think Holdingontoit has some good suggestions for how to combat the morning breath issue. Maybe have a long session of morning sex on days that your husband doesn't work and try to be satisfied with quickies on mornings when he has to work. Can you try to incorporate regular vacations, and pay attention to three-day weekends and other times when he won't have to work? Since he seems to have a sensitive, but predictable drive, you'll have to do some planning.

But like I said before, it doesn't sound like sex is very fun for you. It made me sad to read. Is quality as important to you as quantity? Do you view sex as mainly a bonding issue, so the quality doesn't matter as much?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> In that case, please reframe this issue. You guys do not have a sexual mismatch. You have a stubborn / selfish problem. You want sex EXACTLY when and how you want it.
> 
> If your H is willing to give you morning sex, and you turn down the morning sex over morning breath, that is not HIS fault. Put some mouthwash or a toothbrush and a cup of water or even a bowl next to the bed. 30 seconds later you are ready for morning sex. If he is willing to give you morning sex and you don't want a quickie, set the alarm for a little earlier so you guys have time for more than a quickie.
> 
> ...


Wow, I don't recall ever saying my husband was a selfish jerk...I don't think that at all. Also, where did I say I turn down morning sex? I don't refuse morning sex. I have never refused sex with my husband. I will gladly take any sex I can get, it simply is my least fav because of being a quicky (aka me not getting to cum) with bad breath. As has been stated he is LD...so his desire for morning sex comes around monthly at best, usually every other month. Based on your reply this is probably because I am a stubborn, selfish, complainer of a wife.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Nah, he was already looking at eye candy...car stuff. So his attention was WAY elsewhere. He likely needed and would've responded to, DIFFERENT eye candy...ie) his wife's naked a&&.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


sounds like how my h has been for a while. i can be naked and shaking my boobs in front of him and he will maybe give them a squeeze but goes right back to what he is doing. if i walk around naked, i get a couple glances, but nothing else. maybe you should kick this loser to the curb.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> But like I said before, it doesn't sound like sex is very fun for you. It made me sad to read. Is quality as important to you as quantity? Do you view sex as mainly a bonding issue, so the quality doesn't matter as much?


We do travel often. I hope for vacay sex, but it rarely happens either. 

Quality is important to me. I do view it as a bonding issue. We always feel so much closer as a couple after we have made love. Ultimately I don't care if either of us even cum every time. I just want to be close to him in this intimate way. Don't get me wrong, I love cumming, but what I crave the most is the kissing, caressing, passion. I love feeling him in me, and I love giving him pleasure more than all else.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Spicy said:


> We do travel often. I hope for vacay sex, but it rarely happens either.
> 
> Quality is important to me. I do view it as a bonding issue. We always feel so much closer as a couple after we have made love. Ultimately I don't care if either of us even cum every time. I just want to be close to him in this intimate way. Don't get me wrong, I love cumming, but what I crave the most is the kissing, caressing, passion. I love feeling him in me, and I love giving him pleasure more than all else.


you need to start thinking about you more girl. its not all about the man in a marriage. my husband failed to realize this and we just could not make it work any longer. take control of your sexuality, and marriage or this will never change.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> you need to start thinking about you more girl. its not all about the man in a marriage. my husband failed to realize this and we just could not make it work any longer. take control of your sexuality, and marriage or this will never change.


Good advice, thank you. You are right.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> sounds like how my h has been for a while. i can be naked and shaking my boobs in front of him and he will maybe give them a squeeze but goes right back to what he is doing. if i walk around naked, i get a couple glances, but nothing else. maybe you should kick this loser to the curb.


I don't care what car, kayak, boat, shotgun or WHATEVER I'm looking at. If my wife came by me naked and gave me the "Green Light" I'd drop whatever was in my hand and saddle up!! I call BS ----- something is wrong with this dude. He either has a medical issue, is gay or has a GF. This is not natural!!


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

jarhed said:


> I don't care what car, kayak, boat, shotgun or WHATEVER I'm looking at. If my wife came by me naked and gave me the "Green Light" I'd drop whatever was in my hand and saddle up!! I call BS ----- something is wrong with this dude. He either has a medical issue, is gay or has a GF. This is not natural!!


not bs at all, he claims he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression as result of the issues we had gone through. i actually went as far as to put a voice recorder in his car under the seat to see if he was cheating, but found nothing. he told me when we were fighting at one point that i should be happy that he shut himself down since thats what i wanted. that wasn't true, i wanted him to give me time to get back to a state where i could be intimate with him and he just couldn't give that to me.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jarhed said:


> I don't care what car, kayak, boat, shotgun or WHATEVER I'm looking at. If my wife came by me naked and gave me the "Green Light" I'd drop whatever was in my hand and saddle up!!


That's pretty much my sentiments and I'm a damn site older than these cats. That car, boat, shotgun will still be there later. (you may not be able to say that about a wife who keeps getting turned down)


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> not bs at all, he claims he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression as result of the issues we had gone through. i actually went as far as to put a voice recorder in his car under the seat to see if he was cheating, but found nothing. he told me when we were fighting at one point that i should be happy that he shut himself down since thats what i wanted. that wasn't true, i wanted him to give me time to get back to a state where i could be intimate with him and he just couldn't give that to me.


Your affair and years of your rejection of him might have had a small part in this, eh????

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> That's pretty much my sentiments and I'm a damn site older than these cats. That car, boat, shotgun will still be there later. (you may not be able to say that about a wife who keeps getting turned down)



I'm in my mid 40's and I want it every day! If my wife walks by and her legs are showing I'm making a pass. Bends over to pick something up, gets out of the shower - she feels she is only there for sex and gets pissy with me. I've tried to explain that it makes me feel closer to her, but she thinks I'm full of it.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Spicy, I'm the one that said your husband was a selfish jerk based on what seemed like his half-hearted efforts at foreplay and getting you off when he didn't want to have sex. Holdingontoit must have attributed my comments to you.

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. 

I have a pretty high sex drive, but over time, events with my husband have all but killed it. Like lostandhelpless, I needed mental and emotional time to feel comfortable being vulnerable with him, and things were getting worse and worse until he finally understood it and stopped pushing. I think most spouses would agree that sex given willingly is often more pleasurable than sex given into after browbeating, whining, and guilt tripping. Usually the "LD" partner needs non-sexual intimacy to feel loved and feel in the mood for sex. You're going to have to talk to your husband and get his perspective. My husband assumed I was uninterested in sex because I resented him because it was taking a long time for our house to get finished when it was really because he was failing at commitment, as well as being selfish and immature to boot. No matter how many times I told him, he preferred to believe it was because of the house (something that wasn't really ABOUT him) rather than things he actually had control over. He got it, though, when I yelled in his face and called his bluff about leaving. Things definitely improved after that, but shortly after that there was the EA D-day, so...

K. Talk to your husband. Are there things other than intercourse that will satisfy your need for intimacy? Is once every other month his ideal frequency of sex? What's yours? What can you live with? What can he live with? Can you meet in the middle and both be satisfied? I think you should make a list of your minimum requirements for successful intercourse or intimacy, and one for your ideal session of intercourse or intimacy, and share them with your husband. If your husband isn't good at sex, it might not be realistic to expect to be able to orgasm with him (ever), so make provisions.


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