# He file for divorce and I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant



## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

*He filed for divorce and I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant*

About 5 months ago my husband said "he loved me but isn't in love with me anymore" and at this time I was about 3 months pregnant. He said it started years ago (we've been together 8 1/2 years, married 4 1/2) before we were married and his feelings have been off an on. He recently filed for divorce and I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant. 
A little background on him. He comes from an abusive childhood, phsyically and sexually. There has been closure with his father who phyiscally abused him but no closure with his mother (he hasn't talked to her in 19 years) who let her boyfriend's father molest him and he is says it's because of her not saying she is sorry that he feels empty inside. I told him he needs to be the better person and confront her on it and tell her how it is affecting him. Since he grew up in an unstable home with parents never around he has no knowledge on how to act in a relationship, and I'm proud of him for how he has turned out for the most part because he has never abused me in any sort of way. 
Back to our situation. He thought marrying me, buying a new home (we moved in Jan 1 of this year), getting pregnant and me graduating with a Bachelor's degree in Nursing would make him happy. But it didn't. Don't get me wrong, he is excited about the baby. He is always asking how she is doing and about my doctors appointments. But he moved out and comes home to mow the lawn each week (we have about 3 acres of mowable lawn with hills) and to see how I'm progressing. Oh yea, he filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. But also at the same time, we are filing bankruptcy because we still have a mortgage on the other house which we lost our butts on and can't sell and I'm unemployed until after the birth of our baby because the hospital that I interviewed at wants to hire me but I wouldn't make it out of orientation before the baby was born and want me to call back after. So there is A LOT of stress on him because the bankruptcy is only under him and has nothing to do with me. 
I didn't mention that he still hangs out with our friends sister. I also found out that she occasionally stayed the night where he is staying but they didn't share a bed. He tells me he is not sleeping with her. Her sisters (1 is my best friend) and her mom tell her to leave him alone, he is married with a baby on the way. She says they are just friends and nothing is going on between them. I tell my husband, you may not be cheating on me right now but you will sleep with her eventually. I told him that because they talk about their relationships and what is going on, emotional stuff, and it leads to that kind of connection. 
To me, it sounds like he is suffering from depression, but I may be wrong. He tells me he wants to be here at the house with me more because he wants to be there for the baby but does not want me to set up hope that his feelings will return. He says he has some days when he wonders what the hell is he doing. I so deeply want things to work between me and him because I never dreamed of raising our daughter on my own. Both of our families, and I, didn't see this coming and they feel the pain for me. He has been avoiding his family because he "doesn't want to hear it". I have been trying to set my feelings aside and "not care" but it is really difficult.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All I got from that was he's not a man. He's a boy.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

And he's the one who wanted to get pregnant whereas I wanted to wait a little longer so I could start working.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like he is having an affair with your friend's sister. There is no reason for her to be staying at his house for sleepovers if they aren't involved. 

Fact.

Get a lawyer and protect yourself. He does not have your best interest at all. Also, in the future, do not marry someone or get involved with someone who tells you off and on that they aren't sure about you and whether they love you or not. You shoulda hit the door a long time ago.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like he is having an affair with your friend's sister. There is no reason for her to be staying at his house for sleepovers if they aren't involved.
> 
> Fact.
> 
> Get a lawyer and protect yourself. He does not have your best interest at all. Also, in the future, do not marry someone or get involved with someone who tells you off and on that they aren't sure about you and whether they love you or not. You shoulda hit the door a long time ago.


This was the first time he told me he was not sure whether or not he was in love with me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh sorry-- I misread what you wrote. I thought he'd told you years ago but you said he's told you he's been feeling that way for years now.

If that's true, he doesn't know what a committment is and played you the entire time.

Get out while you can.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

At the very least he's having an emotional affair with the other woman, but my gut goes with everyone else since they've spent nights together - its more than likely he cheated on you. Based on what you've said, it sounds like the two of you don't have many assets or money so it may not be necessary to hire a lawyer unless you feel like there is something fishy in the divorce papers. Some lawyers may be willing to look over the paperwork to make sure everything is fine and charge less for that service.

I'm sorry you are going through this while pregnant. Please surround yourself with loving friends and family. Once your baby arrives trust me you won't give a crap about him anymore. Good luck.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Affair. Don't buy the not physically cheating thing either. 

Sorry he is treating you so poorly. What a cad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

You are 7 1/2 months pregnant, he is having an EA with the sisters friend and she is "sleeping over."

Hummm, nothing surprises me anymore. Guess I ought to be happy with what I got and move on.

I am so sorry K11, try to think about the gift you are going to have once the baby is born. You are going to be blessed with the most joyful feeling you have ever known. Gaurenteed! Hang on to that; stay tough for your child.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

I told him he is having an emotional affair. Not only have I told him that by her staying the night is wrong, his friends and coworkers told him the same thing. I'm trying to concentrate on the positive, my child, and move on from there but it so hard. I really want to have a life with him even though I hate what he has done nor should I want to be in a relationship with someone who walks out during the time I need them the most.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

kristen11 said:


> I told him he is having an emotional affair. Not only have I told him that by her staying the night is wrong, his friends and coworkers told him the same thing. I'm trying to concentrate on the positive, my child, and move on from there but it so hard. I really want to have a life with him even though I hate what he has done nor should I want to be in a relationship with someone who walks out during the time I need them the most.


He is showing you what he is capable of in your most important moment of need, can you imagine what can happen when you need him for lesser reasons but important to you nontheless! Either he has gone totally bat sh**t crazy about becoming a father (for which he can get help and recover) or he just absolutely wants nothing to do with you and the baby (I know that sounds harsh) and he wants out. Is there any way you can determine what it is? Can you ask him if he would consider going to counseling if you haven't done that already?


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

*Re: He filed for divorce and I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant*



brighterlight said:


> He is showing you what he is capable of in your most important moment of need, can you imagine what can happen when you need him for lesser reasons but important to you nontheless! Either he has gone totally bat sh**t crazy about becoming a father (for which he can get help and recover) or he just absolutely wants nothing to do with you and the baby (I know that sounds harsh) and he wants out. Is there any way you can determine what it is? Can you ask him if he would consider going to counseling if you haven't done that already?


He doesn't want out of being a father, the baby is all he talks about. Just this past weekend we went together to buy the paint for her room and he will probably be painting the room this weekend in time for the baby shower and the furniture being delivered. 

As for counseling, I asked him if he'd be willing to go. Which at this time, he is not. He spoke to his friends daughters counselor a couple times about some issues, but that person told him things "he already knew".


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

*Re: He filed for divorce and I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant*



kristen11 said:


> He doesn't want out of being a father, the baby is all he talks about. Just this past weekend we went together to buy the paint for her room and he will probably be painting the room this weekend in time for the baby shower and the furniture being delivered.
> 
> As for counseling, I asked him if he'd be willing to go. Which at this time, he is not. He spoke to his friends daughters counselor a couple times about some issues, but that person told him things "he already knew".


Not all counselors are the same. He needs to find one that he feels is workable and can give him so good insight. I honestly believe my W's therapist actually told her to do whatever she wants to do in order to be happy even if that included breaking up a marriage - I sensed it and just have a feeling about it since most of the bad stuff happened a day or two after seeing her. So I would keep asking, very nicely if he would go see one. Maybe even both of you see a MC. Just a thought.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes I just hate this planet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> So I would keep asking, very nicely if he would go see one. Maybe even both of you see a MC. Just a thought.


I _ totally _disagree with this. In order for MC to work, it takes BOTH wanting to go. And no affair can be happening.

He has told her straight up he's not into it, has moved out, abandoned her at a vital time in her life and is mor ethan likely having an affair with sleepover skank. 

The WORST POSSIBLE thing a person can do when someone dumps them is pursue them. And keep aasking them if they'll reconsider and plead and beg and act like they're a doormat.



kristen11 said:


> As for counseling, I asked him if he'd be willing to go. Which at this time, he is not. He spoke to his friends daughters counselor a couple times about some issues, but that person told him things "he already knew".


He's a ghost. Treat him as such. He is not the man you married. Do not pursue him. At all. You already mentioned to him you believe he's having an affair and my bet is he told you were you crazy, it's not like that, they're just "friends." 

Lines straight from a cheater's playbook.

One person alone cannot fix a marraige.

I am sorry this is happening to you right now but you are WAY better off alone with your baby than being with a d-uchebag who will leave you at one of the most important times in your lives.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

JB, ouuucchhhh! Yes, I know she is better off without him. But I was thinking that for the sake of the child, it could be different if he is just having a case of the jitters to becoming a father and that maybe he could be helped. Maybe the bankruptcy is a factor. I do believe when we all fall that we could be forgiven - once!

Truth be told, I never begged and groveled for my W to come back. I let her go gracefully and I went on about healing and moving on. I can just as easily tell her to shove it and then I could go get a good nights rest, while dreaming of playing golf the next day but we are talking about a pregnant mother to be and a child so to me, the situation warrents a decent attempt at saving the marriage I would think. Were the situation different for K11, I would have suggested putting a foot up his a$$ and showing him the permanent door. So I was suggesting giving it one chance. And you are right you can't force someone else to love and care for you so if K11 is abolutely sure there is no fix, then by all means move on. I just wanted to get that out there that I agree with you that begging and pleading is to lower yourself to their actions but just asking to see a MC should be no big deal - it'll either help or it won't but either way, she can say she tried.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But she DID ask him to go see an MC. And he wasn't receptive. He's told her he doesn't love her and ILYBINILWY and has moved out and is having a woman sleep over at his place. 

So what then? She should keep asking him? "Hey, I know you left me while I'm pregnant AND you've filed to divorce me AND I'm 7 months pregnant now AND you're having X sleep over at your new place, and well, I know you told me you won't go to MC with me AND you don't love me AND you're not sure what you want but pretty pretty please can do you do this for me???"

No way. 

If he wanted to be with her, he would be. If it were jitters he'd figure that sh*t out and be back with her. Thus far he's shown none of that. The fact taht he's kicking it with someone else while she's pregnant is... 

Now if he comes around--great. But she needs to figure out how to handle things in the interim. He has already filed for divorce from her. He dropped the bomb on her 3 months into her pregnancy after being active about wanting to get her pregnant. 

He does NOT have her best interest right now. He's in La-La Land. His behavior is revolting.

Lawyer up if he has his own lawyer.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> But she DID ask him to go see an MC. And he wasn't receptive. He's told her he doesn't love her and ILYBINILWY and has moved out and is having a woman sleep over at his place.
> 
> So what then? She should keep asking him? "Hey, I know you left me while I'm pregnant AND you've filed to divorce me AND I'm 7 months pregnant now AND you're having X sleep over at your new place, and well, I know you told me you won't go to MC with me AND you don't love me AND you're not sure what you want but pretty pretty please can do you do this for me???"
> 
> ...


Yes, yes, yes. OK, I won't try to defend an ogre like that. I just thought that since she asked him to see a MC and he spoke with someone that he knows, that maybe a real one would help. I guess I am just a sap for wanting things to work out better for the soon to be child. Like I said, in any other circumstance, I would have booted his a$$ right off!

BTW, hers is one situation where I would definitely lawyer up for the sake of support for the baby.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

JB and BL you both have some good points. I am trying to prepare myself for a life without him but like BL I'm a sap for wanting things to work because he may be having the case of the jitters. He also has a past of people he trusts leaving him all alone causing trust issues and I have never done that to him nor will I do it now. I am also waiting to see what happens when the baby is born. I know I will have a great career once I'm back to work and I will be able to stand on my own and support myself and my daughter. As for not kicking his a**, I want to but I am also trying to remain civil because I have to leagally deal with him for the next 18-19 years. I know I will eventually heal but I'm not fully ready to give up quite yet.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oh man, it never crossed my mind that it would be for 18 years! Woof. Yeah, I guess I would feel it out a bit and see but do not let him treat you like crap. Hopefully, he will make an honest change but you have to prepared to let him go. Good for you for having such a great attitude about getting back to work; you are already thinking in the right direction. :smthumbup:


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

Luckily he hasn't been treating me like crap. He has been told by my family to stop talking to me as often as he does (he has cut back to 2ish times a day) but he feels that he can't do that. He doesn't want to be completely out of the baby's life so he still calls to chat and he texts me right before he goes to bed to tell the baby he loves her.


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