# How do you deal with lies?



## prussell_2008 (Apr 16, 2008)

I found out yesterday that for the past two years my husband has been paying my car payments late. Not just a little late, 2 and 3 months late. He has lied to me about it and tried to hide it from me. Two years ago he told me he wanted take over paying the bills. At that time I had everything paid up. I make more money and have always been very responsible. Never have I one time been late on a car payment and I am in my early 40s. Now I have 29 late payments on my record and screwed up credit. I feel lied to and betrayed. I feel like it is a reflection on me when people see that, that really isn't me. I handed over paychecks to him and he used them for what he wanted and didn't bother to discuss anything with me. To top it off, he paid his truck off. The only reason I found out is I arrived home before him (which I do not normally do - he normally comes in and gets the mail and handles it before I get home) and I got a notice in the mail stating a payment was 58 days past due. I feel like my trust in him has been violated. When I try to talk to him he gets angry and defensive. I have cried for two days. I told him I would never pay anything of his late and not discuss it with him first, he just doesn't seem to get how upset I am over this or why I feel betrayed.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you need to seperate your finances and take care of your own bills. There isn't anything wrong with that. My wife and I have seperate bills and seperate bank accounts. We never need to fight about money.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I agree with Drac,

I pay all our Bills for the opposite reason, My wife was paying them late, So I took them over and improved our credit score.

The credit laws just changed on how they figure your score, I would take over your payments as soon as possible, well anything that is in your name.


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## MarriageBuilder (Jan 19, 2009)

I believe the men have to pay the bills.

He ought to take all responsibilities, in my humble opinion.

Unless you are in any financial difficulties. Then i guess you guys have to work things out together? Coming to a consensus perhaps...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You don't say WHY the bills ar late other than to imply he just is not paying them on time.

Are you two juggling bills with not enough money coming in?

Or is he spending the money on himself instead of the bills?

At the very least, take control of paying the overdue bills.

And why would you stay detached from checking on teh status of your bills?

Do this online.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

he gets angry and defensive because he is guilty.
hes very unfair on you.
but my opinion and its not good.
my ex was a constant liar, pretty much about everything in his life. he never changed.
like he was always trying to impress others, never me though, because usually i covered up for his lies, when he got caught out.
im so glad he's not in my life anymore.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

You have learned a valuable lesson. It is never healthy in a marriage to stick your head in the sand and not participate in your finances. Separate accounts, one spouse paying the bills, all that is ok and different systems work for different couples. But it is your responsibility to be aware. It is too important not to be. Your FICO score is who you are in the credit world. And now even considered for employment, car insurance, etc, as well as the interest rate you pay for loans and credit cards. You just handed over your check to your husband and trusted him to do the right thing. My husband wants to do that. He used to have no interest in keeping up with any of it. I told him that money is power. He is allowing me much too much control. Now I still handle everything, but once a month we sit down and go over the big picture. Our total debt and the balance of each loan, our total assets and the balance of each account. It only takes a few minutes. Now he shows an interest and can see where his paycheck is going and how well we are doing. I am sorry your husband did this to you. In time you can repair the damage. Don't ever let anyone have the opportunity to do this to you again.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I did something similar to my wife. It was just because we were tight on money. It wasn't frivolous spending or anything like that. My wife has some depression and other problems, so in my mind, I was "protecting" her from it. She would get so upset over the littlest things, that I thought it would be best if she didn't have to worry about the finance stuff and money problems. I was definitely wrong. Plus, it fell on me initially because I made 90% of our income because she is in school and has a part time job that is basically for gas, food, and other things for her at school and things.

Basically, I still handle the finances, but we are much more open about it. We have separate accounts, but they are both joint accounts. They are at the same bank, and we have online banking, so one log-in and password (which we both know) brings up both accounts, plus our car and house loan immediately so we can both can see all accounts. Plus, 90% of our bills are paid through the banks online banking in the same sight, so you can see all of the bills that have been paid, and all that are scheduled to be paid. She also knows all the the log-ins and passwords for our utilities, like cell-phone, satellite, internet, electric, etc., so if she wanted to, she could see all of those balances as well. She will ask me how we are doing one month, and I'm honest and tell her. If she wants to see, I can bring up our online banking plus a spreadsheet of our bills to show her. 

She really watched me at first, but she started trusting me again. She rarely questions anything now. If what I tell her matches up with our online banking when she goes to look at our accounts, she's happy with it. I got a new job with a lot better pay since then, so that obviously helps out a lot too.


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## Trinity (Jan 20, 2009)

You should look into the view points of Suze Orman and how women should handle money. She is a financial guru. She has very interesting advice for women and their financial security. Here is a website that had a copy of her book for women. 

Women and Money by Suze Orman

She also has many other books too, not just this one for women. My husband and I listened to a set of her CD's she had out at the time, about 8 years ago. Our in-laws gave it to us as a gift. It was the best thing we ever did together. We got on the same page and the fighting about money just stopped.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi there,

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. I can imagine that you are very devastated for numerous reasons.

Since your question was "How do you deal with lies?" I'm going to focus on that. I suspect you already know that you should take over the finances immediately.

I was married to a pathological liar for a brief time. When I realized the extent of the lies, it rocked my world because suddenly I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I can imagine you're feeling this a bit too.

Maybe you can sit down and calmly make a list of questions so that you can qualify the situation. For example: Why did he pay certain bills late? What else might he be hiding from you? What other behavior is suspicious? You get the idea. I would think you can approach him with some of the questions to give him the opportunity to explain his behavior (you've probably already done this). But, try to really let him talk. You might pick up on something valuable. I'd also keep some of the questions for myself, to remind me to be on the lookout for suspicious behavior.

You don't have to find every answer today. You may need to let things unfold and peel back layers to see what's going on for yourself as well as your husband.

I hope this helps in some way.

Warmly,
Kerry


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