# Question Re. Intercourse



## Cookie133 (Sep 3, 2017)

Hello, I have a very simple and direct question to ask all the ladies out there! Please respond (and no, this is not a joke!)

I am pushing 40 and have only recently been able to have intercourse with my husband of 3 years (he is my first and only---I remained a virgin until I got married because I believed in saving myself for my husband, then it turned out I had vaginismus and it took me all this time to overcome it). Now I can finally have intercourse without feeling pain (just still some discomfort) but before I do that, I will have to take about 5-10 minutes to "widen" myself with a vaginal dilator first so that it will not hurt when my husband penetrates me. If I don't do that then the initial penetration will still be painful (because when I use the dilator to widen myself, I still feel pain but once I have pushed it in then it is fine).

I talked about this with my husband tonight and he thinks that the initial penetration for women will ALWAYS hurt a tiny bit because from his experience with past girlfriends, he noticed they would still either make a face or hold their breath or somehow indicate discomfort, even just for a second. I am not sure if that is true because if it is, then that means it will have to hurt every single time for the rest of my life everytime my husband penetrates me? I still prefer to "prep" myself with the dilator before intercourse because it's like a security blanket for me that ensures I won't have any pain during intercourse and I won't have to get all nervous about it. But I would hate to have to be in pain upon penetration every single time. You ladies who have been having intercourse for decades, please tell me this isn't true! :crying:

(Oh by the way men can comment too of course as you may be able to tell me things that your wives told you so please do share!)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

3 years??? Ugh. 


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I assume you use plenty of lube? The vagina is designed for a baby to pass through it, so there really shouldn't be any pain with an average size penis as long as it is well lubricated. 

My gut feeling is that you are anxious about sex and penetration and I suspect you 'clam up'. It is the same when I have a smear test - I get very nervous and I generally find it painful - the nurse tells me I need to relax. You need to use lots of lube, lots of foreplay (please tell me you have lots of foreplay), and above all totally relaxed. Try having sex right after bathing together or oily massage. Using a clitoral simulator before penetration is also a good idea. 

(I have never had pain on penetration so I don't think your husband is quite right about ALWAYS)


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

How often have you guys had sex? I dont want to make assumptions here...

Are we talking dozens of times (which would signify you do have something to deal with) or a handful of times which might mean you still just need to give it time

I am fairly certain the first few times a women has sex it could be slightly uncomfortable... I know your 40, but in the sex game you could be a first timer....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Cookie133 said:


> I talked about this with my husband tonight and he thinks that the initial penetration for women will ALWAYS hurt a tiny bit because from his experience with past girlfriends, he noticed they would still either make a face or hold their breath or somehow indicate discomfort, even just for a second.


Unless your husband is unusually well endowed, I think it's more likely that he - and the other women he's been with - have been doing it wrong. 

I don't mean to sound flippant. But to be honest, unless you're a virgin or very recently were, or have some complicating medical condition, normal consensual sex should not be painful. It's far more likely that you and your husband are not having enough foreplay to get you really turned on and/or need to be using a quality lubricant. Do you orgasm during intercourse? Many women don't, so make sure he's taking care of you in other ways, preferably beforehand so that you are turned on and a bit relaxed. 

Mostly, though, I think the two of you could probably benefit from watching some sensual couple's porn and doing some research online. I think you two may simply be a bit uneducated.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

No, pain during consensual intercourse is not normal for women.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rowan said:


> Unless your husband is unusually well endowed, I think it's more likely that he - and the other women he's been with - have been doing it wrong.


Not necessarily. Her H said ex's held their breath, made faces, or "somehow indicated discomfort". He may have been misinterpreting. When I am aroused and being penetrated, the intensity of _finally_ being filled causes me to "make faces", breathe differently, gasp, moan, and/or grip whatever I can reach (shoulders, love handles, ass, hands) and I have had men pause to ask if they were hurting me or if it felt good, so I can see how he'd interpret those signs as discomfort.

No, OP, discomfort during penetration is not the norm.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Sometimes when I have sex with my wife, even if she's really wet, it feels like she hasn't 'opened up' completely and I can't penetrate her fully. She doesn't seem to be in discomfort because of it, though. It's a little uncomfortable for me. I have to kind of keep pressing at it until it loosens enough to get in.

I think if you have regular sex or... uh..dialations, it will get to the point where you've loosened enough to not have it feel like this all the time.

If you are still experiencing discomfort throughout sex, that may be another issue though.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My question is you have a method of using a dilator to prep yourself. Why not turn it into a sex ritual with your H or a form of foreplay or role playing. Turn lemons into lemonade. Put on a show for your man and as you are doing it tell him how much you want him inside you. 

I think you got great advice from many women on their experience.

Talk to a really good OBYJ to see if there is any scar tissue or other factors, or he could prescribe larger dilators.

Also find a good sex therapist and spend some time if there are things they can teach you and your H.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Cookie133 said:


> I talked about this with my husband tonight and *he thinks that the initial penetration for women will ALWAYS hurt a tiny bit because from his experience with past girlfriends, he noticed they would still either make a face or hold their breath or somehow indicate discomfort, even just for a second*. I am not sure if that is true because if it is, then that means it will have to hurt every single time for the rest of my life everytime my husband penetrates me? I still prefer to "prep" myself with the dilator before intercourse because it's like a security blanket for me that ensures I won't have any pain during intercourse and I won't have to get all nervous about it. But I would hate to have to be in pain upon penetration every single time. You ladies who have been having intercourse for decades, please tell me this isn't true! :crying:
> 
> (Oh by the way men can comment too of course as you may be able to tell me things that your wives told you so please do share!)


As has already been said, he's likely misread those situations. Or he's just never really gotten the hang of foreplay.

Women, as you should know, take longer to fully warm up to penetration. You have extenuating circumstances that requires even further stimulation. But even women who do not require dilators prior to intercourse aren't (usually) just "ready to go". Foreplay not only increases natural lubrication, it also, well, dilates the vagina.


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## Cookie133 (Sep 3, 2017)

A big thank-you to everyone who took time to comment and give me advice. You have been very kind and helpful. Everything you said has been taken into consideration. I feel very reassured. Thanks again! xoxo


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He could do some oral and gently use his finger to widen you some before enterning making sure your aroused to help you to be ready.

Lots of kissing and then more kissing mybe a glass of wine or two to relax you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No its shouldn't be painful, not sure where he got that idea form, but make sure that you use a good lubricant and that he gets you warmed up first so that you are wet. 
Once you get more relaxed you will be fine I am sure.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Cookie133 said:


> A big thank-you to everyone who took time to comment and give me advice. You have been very kind and helpful. Everything you said has been taken into consideration. I feel very reassured. Thanks again! xoxo


I hope you come back to update us again.

Have fun!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

No pain isn't normal. If it is your first time it can be painful. If it is the couple times right after tight maybe painful. But short of the first 3 times should not be painful unless you are lubed, he is just ridiculously big, or you have a medical condition.

You know vaginismus is the tightening of the muscles making sex uncomfortable. So you are having anxiety and trouble with muscle tightening. So using the dilator isn't a bad idea. But good foreplay and good orgasms should eventually reduce this if your vaginismus is caused by anxiety. For some women they aren't sure what causes it.

It isn't orthodox but I'd recommend reading fifty shades of gray. Some people use it to help connect their bodies responses to their mental responses.

Is you spouse more experienced? Does he understand and give foreplay? Some men do, some men don't really know how, others just don't care about their partners pleasure. I can tell he's had sex doesn't mean he knows what he's doing. 

It is unusual for women to orgasm early in their sexual experiences but if he knows what he's doing it's possible.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Cookie133 said:


> Hello, I have a very simple and direct question to ask all the ladies out there! Please respond (and no, this is not a joke!)
> 
> I am pushing 40 and have only recently been able to have intercourse with my husband of 3 years (he is my first and only---I remained a virgin until I got married because I believed in saving myself for my husband, then it turned out I had vaginismus and it took me all this time to overcome it). Now I can finally have intercourse without feeling pain (just still some discomfort) but before I do that, I will have to take about 5-10 minutes to "widen" myself with a vaginal dilator first so that it will not hurt when my husband penetrates me. If I don't do that then the initial penetration will still be painful (because when I use the dilator to widen myself, I still feel pain but once I have pushed it in then it is fine).
> 
> ...


My wife has never experienced pain. I would give her cunnilingus or use my fingers first if she liked that but she doesn't. She just wants to go straight to PIV; but even then, I still start slowly.

She usually prefers me on top but she's been on top once before. Have you considered maybe having him let you take control?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

alexm said:


> As has already been said, he's likely misread those situations. Or he's just never really gotten the hang of foreplay.


I'm betting it's the latter.


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