# Need advice for dealing with angry husband



## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We were brought together by the lost of our spouses to cancer. He is 11 years older than me. At first we had a long distance relationship that I wanted to keep that way cuz I needed time after losing my 1st husband but he was all in and pressured me to move to Texas to be live with him and it was so exciting to have someone new want me and you all know how new relationships feel anyways I agreed and quit my job pissed off my roommate and sister and took off. After one month I already knew it was a mistake but I had left my life behind so I am a hopeless romantic that always looks for any sign of hope that it will get better. 
Now I am miserable 9 years later still staying with the most unhappy person I have ever met. I married him thinking maybe this would make him happy but it's just gotten worse since then. I have almost left him several times but when I do he guilts me saying he will do something to himself. Part of me knows he is to selfish to do that but he is not well he has bad diabetes and heart and WILL NOT take his meds unless I give them to him. So I know he will just let himself go like that and become a huge burden to his sister and daughters. 
I met him as a career woman that made a decent living for myself and my first husband set me up pretty well, however, he has depleted all of what my first husband left me and has moved us around so much with he job that I no longer have my career so now I am financially tied to him which is what he wants. However, I do still have my home that my first husband left me and my Mom and cousins say they will help me till I get back on my feet. 
So here I am, now that you know the circumstances here's why he drives me crazy and is so exhausting. Yes, he works and comes home every night which he reminds me of often as if I should be thankful that he does that... is that not a basic requirement of a husband. When he gets home he comes in yelling or throwing things then when I look at him like what the hell he gets mad at that saying, now, he is in a bad mood and from there the rest of the evening is like that with him slamming things down and leaving shoes clothes and whatever he has snacked on where ever he wants, barely saying anything other than a complaint about something whether it be diner, TV, or some comment I made. 
He can not stand for me to be happy unless he is the reason. I am suppose to be totally thrilled and thankful that he might have taken the garbage out, which is the ONLY occasional help I get, I even have to pay someone to mow the grass. He is a huge slob that can't even hit the toilet and wont clean it up after! Oh, and because of his illness we have not had sex in 6 years and it is hell if I ever bring that up. He has a limited number of time some what got me off but is so rough I am sore for a week and gets pissed if I say anything and hatefully says well at least you can get off I forgot what it feels like, as if it's my fault. 
Well through all this he is a totally different person to everyone outside the house. They all think he is a loving, kind man and some people call him a big teddy bear. If they only knew the real man.
I want to leave so bad but feel obligated I am a very loyal person and I do not take my vows lightly. Should I just suck it up and deal after all I did have my Happy Life with my first Husband that was wonderful and gave me the self value that no matter how hard it tries I will not let hi take from me.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

*Re: Need advice*

Your husband does sound like a miserable person from what you have wrote. You are very co-dependent on him. Your entire life revolves around him. His bad moods & negativity are ruining your life. You allow him to manipulate you to the point where he threatens self-harm if you leave him.

Leave him. You have a home to go to & a supportive family.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Need advice*

9 years together, 6 with no sex and a very pissed off, moody, slob of a man and you ask, "should I just suck it up and deal?" How's it been working for you so far, the sucking it up and dealing part?

What do you want? Are you getting what you want? Is there any chance of you getting what you want with this man? Those are the questions you should ask yourself.

Being a hopeless romantic isn't an excuse for being silly or careless with decisions that impact your life. You know better, so you should be doing better.


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

*Re: Need advice*

Emerald, you are soo right. The last time I saw a therapist was 7 years ago and she warned me and told me do not marry this man. He got angry when I told him I was seeing a therapist and I haven't been back since. She told me that I mistake loyalty for my co-dependency and he is one that seeks out people like me. It's is just so hard to let go but I have found a job back home and I am going but now he is getting transferred fairly close to there and says he'll come home on weekends. I thought I could just get a break from him without calling it quits but now he is following me!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

*Re: Need advice*



TLC CONFUSED said:


> Emerald, you are soo right. The last time I saw a therapist was 7 years ago and she warned me and told me do not marry this man. He got angry when I told him I was seeing a therapist and I haven't been back since. She told me that I mistake loyalty for my co-dependency and he is one that seeks out people like me. It's is just so hard to let go but I have found a job back home and I am going but now he is getting transferred fairly close to there and says he'll come home on weekends. I thought I could just get a break from him without calling it quits but now he is following me!


He is not going to let you go so stop hoping for it.

If you want to get a divorce, you will have to file.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Just so you know, you are NOT responsible for his reaction if you were to decide to leave etc. So if you decide to leave and he threatens self harm, thats on him. I'm by no means saying self harm is ok or right, but I am saying you are not responsible for what he chooses to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know you never should have married this man, isnt 9 years in misery enough punishment?? Get out. Get out now. Dont fall for the guilt bullsh!t. He is a grown man, responsible for himself. Life is too freakin short to live this way any longer. Get yourself OUT.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Your post is easier to read if you broke it into paragraphs instead of one long wall of text.


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

The last time I saw a therapist was 7 years ago and she warned me and told me do not marry this man. He got angry when I told him I was seeing a therapist and I haven't been back since. She told me that I mistake loyalty for my co-dependency and he is one that seeks out people like me. It's is just so hard to let go but I have found a job back home and I am going but now he is getting transferred fairly close to there and says he'll come home on weekends. I thought I could just get a break from him without calling it quits but now he is following me!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

This man is controlling you. These are common traits of someone who is controlling and abusive. He gets off on making you suffer. He will continue to do everything in his power to isolate you from everyone. That's why he blew through your money. So you couldn't go anywhere. to him you are just a possession. Your best bet is to leave him behind and find someone else.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

You can do things in baby steps and see what happens along the way. Leaving him right now will be a huge step for you. Am I right?

Step 1
Go see a therapist, if he doesn't agree with it....tough ****. He should want you to be ok mentally.

Step 2
Own that currently you LET him treat you this way and have all along. Stop enabling his sh*tty behavior. The therapist in step 1 will help you move in this direction.

Step 3
Eventually you will get stronger and stronger, he will either realize his short comings and decide for himself to correct them, or you will decide to leave him.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

do you have children (i.e. with first husband)? if so how do they get along with your 2nd husband? do they visit you?


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

*Re: Need advice*



Emerald said:


> Your husband does sound like a miserable person from what you have wrote. You are very co-dependent on him. Your entire life revolves around him. His bad moods & negativity are ruining your life. You allow him to manipulate you to the point where he threatens self-harm if you leave him.
> 
> Leave him. You have a home to go to & a supportive family.


:iagree: Be wise and listen.


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## rabbcfga (Sep 12, 2013)

I thought I could just get a break from him without calling it quits but now he is following me!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TLC CONFUSED said:


> I want to leave so bad but feel obligated I am a very loyal person and I do not take my vows lightly.


You can leave and still keep your vows. Leaving him is not the same thing as divorcing him. You didn't take a vow to live in the same house with him. 

Think of it this way - if he's so angry all the time, then you aren't doing him any favors by staying under the same roof with him, not to mention concerns for your own mental health.


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

No wasn't able to have kids. He has 2 daughters and 3 grandkids from his 1st wife.....I am number 5


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

Thanks for the advice, I am leaving. I'm not saying it's over but I do need a break and I am writing him a letter, cuz I can't talk to him because before I know it I am apologizing to him for feeling this way. In the letter I will be very detailed as to why I am leaving but will give him the chance to do some soul searching and realize what he is doing. He would always talk about how badly his mother and sister treated their husbands yet he is the same if not worse. I hope he can realize how he is with me as I assume he was with his other 4 wives before me. I want to work it out and maybe this will be the shock move I need to take to really make him see how serious I am, I had a serious discussion about this last year and things were some better for about 2 months but then right back to where we are now and it does seem that each year gets worse so this I know has to be it. I have to make him prove to me that he will work with me and truly change of it will be over for good. 
I know many of you think I should just go and stop wasting time but that is so hard to do. My brain tells me that but my heart wants it to be ok.


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

Ok new development in this...I have told a few people I am moving home. And now out of the blue this guy from my school days is messaging me that he wants to hookup. Wow, I really don't think I have the energy right now for all that but he is going on how much he wants me. If I follow through with leaving my husband but not divorced is it still cheating. I know in God's eyes cheating is cheating but in Gods eyes marriage is till death do you part and if divorced you are still cheating if you get with someone else. So I'm not a huge religious person but I do believe and love God and try to do right by him. I feel like he is finally putting things in place for me to leave and I'm scared that if I hook up with this guy I will spoil my blessing and lose his favor again, but on the other hand is God providing him as well. My sister says no it is Satan and I will lose again if I go down that path. ??????


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously, THE LAST thing you need right now is to get involved with another man! Separated or not! He is already throwing you red flags by being pushy and manipulative about getting together! Run the other way!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TLC, you don't need ANY man in your life, ok? You are too codependent to be able to pick a healthy man at this point. You'll just keep picking losers like this one. 

Just move home, reconnect with your family and friends, thank them for letting you back in, and start going to therapy. It's the only way you will ever be happy.

_You don't need a man to be happy._


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TLC CONFUSED said:


> Ok new development in this...I have told a few people I am moving home. And now out of the blue this guy from my school days is messaging me that he wants to hookup. Wow, I really don't think I have the energy right now for all that but he is going on how much he wants me. If I follow through with leaving my husband but not divorced is it still cheating and if divorced you are still cheating if you get with someone else.


Whoa!! Slow down some. Right now, you don't even know which direction your husband will take. What is your hurry here??



> I know in God's eyes cheating is cheating but in Gods eyes marriage is till death do you part


And yet your husband has *four* ex-wives himself....


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

Thanks, guys you are right! I messaged him back and told him no it will not happen now. I do have to get myself straight it was just tempting because it's been so long since I had that kind of attention and it made me feel good but I know I have to let my brain lead me right now and not emotions, I just need reinforcement to keep that in sight. :iagree:


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## TLC CONFUSED (Sep 10, 2013)

:scratchhead:So now that my husband sees I am really leaving, he is back to mister nice guy. This roller coaster is driving me crazy I know it's only cuz he wants to make me feel guilty and feel sorry for him so that I will end up apologizing for the way I feel. Even though I know this...it does still work. It makes my resolve to tell him exactly how I feel and what he has to do to make us work fade into the back ground like always until he pushes me again, he knows just how far to go until I explode. I am still leaving but I wanted him to understand this is a separation until he gets it straight but he just thinks it's cuz of the job and my Mom, and that he will be joining me soon. How do I tell him how it really is when he is now being nice to me???.:scratchhead:


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TLC CONFUSED said:


> How do I tell him how it really is when he is now being nice to me???.:scratchhead:


The fact that he is nice to you now means little but it is at least a first step in the right direction.

Now, insist that you both go to marriage counseling. In that format it will be easier to tell him "how it really is".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

By having a lawyer draw up separation or divorce papers and hand them to him. AFTER you've moved out.


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