# Verbally Abusive Husband



## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

My husband is bi-polar (I'm convinced). He has tons of stress, due to owning our own construction (type) company (don't want to get too specific. He'll be nice for a period of time, but totally preoccupied when home because of the business. When he's really stressed, he'll rant and rave, yell and scream and cuss and insult. Mostly it is directed at me, but sometimes our teenage and older children. We have 4 - 21, 19 (in college) and 16 and 14 (at home and in high school). Here is the latest example in 24 years of marriage, with many, many more hurtful examples:
We went on a trip together to visit my sister and so he could get away from the business. Afterward, I flew home and he flew to his brother's house for a few days. The night I got home, a parent of one of my son's friends came by because she needed (construction) advice. She was very pushy about me calling my husband right then and there. I told her I wouldn't do that because he'd be mad. After many minutes of this begging, she left. My husband texted me to say hi and "what are you doing"? I told him about the situation, thinking maybe he could text one of his employees and let them know she had left messages at the office and that they should give her priority. He did that. Then, the next morning, I get several ranting and raving texts about how "ignorant and stupid" I am for telling him about that and ruining his trip. It went on and on, very hurtful. If he had been home, he could have turned over furniture and thrown things and slammed doors. I have IBS, so when he gets like this, it sends me into a nervous stomach attack. I want to leave, but I've been a stay-at-home mom with part time jobs that pay nothing, for 21 years. I have a degree, but I'm unemployable now at age 47 and no experience in the field. I also don't want to mess up my kids' lives. We also own 2 homes that we'd have to sell because I could not afford to stay in this one and wouldn't want to (too big). I'm stuck I'm afraid, and don't know what to do.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This is the only advice I can give you as I have no experience with people with bipolar.
So I will stick to what I do have experience in:

You are not exactly unemployable, you have a degree and have done part time jobs. You just need to work on your resume to reflect what you know. 

It is very common for women to go back into the work field after many years of not working. You wont be the first, and definitely not the last.


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

Very Sad said:


> I want to leave, but I've been a stay-at-home mom with part time jobs that pay nothing, for 21 years. I have a degree, but I'm unemployable now at age 47 and no experience in the field. I also don't want to mess up my kids' lives. We also own 2 homes that we'd have to sell because I could not afford to stay in this one and wouldn't want to (too big). I'm stuck I'm afraid, and don't know what to do.


I'm probably going out on a limb here a little bit but I'd say your husband has got himself a problem. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It's not like it's "OK" for him to be verbally abusive as long as he's not physically abusive (at least, you didn't mention him being physically abusive toward you).

Do you want your kids to think it's "OK" for a man to be verbally abusive? If you have sons, do you want THEM to be verbally abusive like Dad? If you have daughters do you want them to think it's OK to be verbally abused because Mom was? It's not a healthy situation for anybody.

Meh, I don't know. As a man (*checking contents of underwear just to be sure*), yep, as a man, I just find the verbal abuse completely intolerable behavior. I don't think I ever cussed at my wife or called her names. We had some fights to be sure. You fight about the topic at hand and then "move on" with your life.

My suggestion in a situation like this is "leave". And I don't mean that in a mean or snotty way. Leave to save yourself and your children.

Maybe then Mr. Meanie (your husband) will learn the lesson that all men learn which is "sometimes you just have to calm down and bite your freaking tongue".

Shockwave


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Bipolar or no bipolar, he doesn't wear his butt for a hat with his customers or with the banks he must obtain credit from. He doesn't wear his butt for a hat when he talks to the police. He wouldn't be free and in business if he did. He can control his childish outbursts. My wife has bipolar (at the very least). She can go off at the drop of a hat but there is a limit to what i will tolerate and she knows it. Threats, assaults, or destroying property? People get paid to deal with those kinds of folks. I'm a husband, not a mental health care provider or a prison guard. I have neither the training nor the inclination to deal with an out-of-control nut case, especially in my own home. I deal with violent and crazy people all day at work. Not going to do it at home. I know she's got an illness and I'll be supportive and help her manage it within reason. I won't be a punching bag or a prisoner in my own home. I won't be threatened or disrespected. A jail is only about 5 miles from my house and a mental hospital is about 8 miles away. Either would be an appropriate address for violent, out-of-control people.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are only as stuck as you think you are! Stop making excuses and start making a plan to leave this jerk. (I remember you posting before!) Has it occured to you that your kids are probably sick and tired of living with his sh!t too? They are plenty old enough that they will understand and be able to adjust, and I would be willing to bet that they would be super supportive of a decision to leave. My dad was like this and I hoped for divorce my entire childhood.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Well, my kids will complain about him, but then defend him at other times and say things like, "He has a problem, so just ignore him and don't let it bother you."


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

I know I need to leave. 26 years (married 24) of this is way too much. I guess I need to come up with a plan. It is going to be terrifying. I have $30 in my bank account, and nowhere to turn. I have started a part-time job (walking dogs - doesn't pay a whole lot, but I'm hoping to work my pet portraits into it- I'm an oil painter and because animals are my passion, so I wanted a job I loved for once.) So, I may have to get a second job. I know he's going to be a huge jerk - take my health insurance, life insurance, cell phone, car, etc etc etc that he holds over everyone's head. My only saving grace is that we have two homes (one we can't sell because it needs work and my husband runs the business out of the basement), so we could sell this house (me taking the equity) and I could give him the other house. Then, I could invest it and try to live off of it and work as well. Guess it is time to come up with a plan.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Has a doctor dxed him with bipolar?


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## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

If you want to leave, a counselor at your local domestic violence shelter can help you with options for leaving and figuring our what to do about your financial situation. They will likely have referrals for attorneys who have dealt with this kind if thing before. Abuse is abuse and is unacceptable regardless of the mental health condition driving it (and no, he doesn't have to had hit you for you to use the dv resources, but he would be considered a violent and dangerous abuser with your description). The dv conselors have a lot of experience dealing with women in your situation and can be a lot of help. They can also help you make your plan and find a safe way to leave. 

If you would like to interact with many women who have overcome a lot of the same financial challenges with leaving a man like this, the Physical and Emotional Abuse support group on the Daily Strength support site is a wonderfully supportive place filled with lots of people who have dealt with what you are going through ( you should be able to google it and find it, just remember to clear your browsing history if you visit).

Whatever you do, keep your plan to yourself, don't let him know about any of it and don't tell anyone who may tell him.

I wish you the best.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Very Sad said:


> My husband is bi-polar (I'm convinced).


Perhaps he is bipolar, Sad. Once you've ruled out drug abuse and a hormone change (e.g., midlife change), the two remaining common causes of emotional instability are strong traits of _bipolar _disorder and _BPD_ (Borderline Personality Disorder).

I nonetheless have two concerns: One is that the behaviors you describe in your other threads sound far closer to BPD than bipolar. Namely, your H's temper tantrums sound closer to the event-triggered hissy fits that are so typical of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits). In contrast, bipolar changes typically take two weeks to develop and the mood usually lasts for several weeks. 

My other concern is that, even if your H does have full-blown bipolar, a recent large-scale study found that half of the bipolar sufferers also suffer from BPD. I therefore suggest you read my description of 12 differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers and BPDers. Of course, you will not be able to determine whether your H's issues satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having one disorder or the other. Only a professional can make such a diagnosis. You certainly are capable, however, of learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders -- especially given your training with a BA in psychology.

My post is located at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. If that description of BPD and bipolar traits rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Sad.


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## Mentalprision (Aug 10, 2013)

I feel for you and pray you get the strength.I just wanted to tell you to make sure he doesn't see what you are planning,if he is like my husband he might check computer history and stuff.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks. I'm only on my iPad for this, but I do get rid of my history on both daily (usually every time I sign off). I was trying to figure out money this morning. I figure I'll need about $4000/mo to survive (and that's just with my two high schoolers, so two college kids would be on their own). I'd get about $1000/mo child support and alimony. There's no way I can make it on my own unless I move away.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Well the kids arent' babies anyway, that is some help. Where could you move away to? Would it be worth it for some happiness and peace?


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Well, I would only move somewhere where I know people - either an hour away, where my best friend lives (who is a youth leader and could tell some kids to watch out for my kids in school) or a state away, where my mom and cousins, aunts, etc. live. My son is adamant he doesn't want to leave his school, and it is a really great school. I'm thinking at this point, he's gonna have to leave and figure out a way to pay for both houses for four more years. Then I can sell this one and move away.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

After 24 years, you should be (no prenup...) getting half of everything acquired since the marriage, child support for a few years, a portion of his eventual social security, and part ownership in the business. Health care may be problematic, but Obamacare may help. Prior to the divorce, you should be getting a generous (be pessimistic about expenses) temporary alimony (maintenance). (I am not a lawyer.) 

Mildly crazy and abusive people still tend to behave rationally, so it might pay off well to slightly pad the temporary alimony so that he has an incentive to proceed with the divorce. (Besides, hand to mouth budgets are a bad idea anyways.)

Albeit, with self-owned businesses, it might pay to familiarize yourself with the family finances.

--Argyle


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

ShockwaveRider said:


> I'm probably going out on a limb here a little bit but I'd say your husband has got himself a problem. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It's not like it's "OK" for him to be verbally abusive as long as he's not physically abusive (at least, you didn't mention him being physically abusive toward you).
> 
> Do you want your kids to think it's "OK" for a man to be verbally abusive? If you have sons, do you want THEM to be verbally abusive like Dad? If you have daughters do you want them to think it's OK to be verbally abused because Mom was? It's not a healthy situation for anybody.
> 
> ...


I agree. Abuse is abuse. He needs to get help and you need at least a separation (with an ultimatim that he get help and stop being abusive as the only way to get you back, if he cannot stop being abusive, then he will need to be divorced).


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Ugh.. I'm sorry. I was in a similar relationship and I would definitely go see a professional to figure out what the steps would be in leaving.

You are not powerless, and you gave up your career to raise his children, so you deserve compensation for that.

The one thing I would say is that you need to know what the finances are and how to access them QUICKLY. My STBX cleared me out and I am going in today to try to figure out what my options are.

As for work, well there are plenty of women who are going back to school, and some states offer grants for retraining for jobs that are in high demand.

I wish you luck, I know this is really hard.


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## whispersofme (Sep 18, 2013)

I've mostly lurked on TAM but the folks over in the "Thinking of Separation or Divorce" area could really give you some great advice (from what I have seen on other threads). I will give you some sound advice: GET OUT NOW before it gets worse -and it will. Trust me, I've been there, bought the towel and threw it out!

Mine was both physical and mental and even though it lasted all of 6 months BUT the point is the same if it had been 60 months, 6 years or more - it gets worse. To this day, and it has been over 24 years since I was married to he-who-will-not-be-named, if I see him or a member of his family I turn into a bowl of jelly and will hide to avoid them. Violence very seldom calms down unless there is a serious desire of the abuser to change & they go get help. 

Protect yourself by having an escape plan w/important documents copied (including his financial status), make sure your car keys are close by (or make several copies and stash them around the place), have a mobility bag (military speak for grab and go clothing and essentials). Get a savings account he has no access too - and keep copies/records of everything! Make sure that others know of your fears - and keep records of any altercations. If he starts getting abusive dial 911 or whatever your country has for emergency services. If he leaves marks on you or the children, take pictures. If need be, get a VAR (again visit the other forum there are more experienced and talented folks over there)

Being finacially independent is scary but you can do it!

You have a degree - so you are marketable and it might be a step down financially but you can work it out. Some women do not even have a high school diploma but they make it all on their own. 

You have talent - you have made the first step in marketing your skills - this is great! Keep it up. :smthumbup:

Seriously, think of things in this aspect - you have four children that have witnessed you being treated in a very demeaning and violent manner. They have also experienced it somewhat - do you want them to learn it is ok to treat others in that manner? Do you want them to think it is ok for someone to treat them in this manner? If you would not want your children doing this or having it done to them you need to remove them from the situation (your husband). 

That first step is always a doozie and it is scary but what is scarier - living in fear of your life or living your life in the manner you see fit? IE being your own woman? I feel for you in your situation and I hope that your situation improves.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You have to be ready, I suggest going to the Abused Women's Center first, they can point things out that you need to do first.


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