# Is it worth going back



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I have written on this site before, and was pleased by the comfort and honest advice, that it opened my eyes and gave me the confidence of what I should do towards my relationship.
To make it short, I was married on August 2009 and within 10 months of my marriage; my husband got arrested for drinking, went to AA – continued to drink, and caused a lot of turmoil in the relationship. I had pleaded numerous times for him to stop the drinking, to the point where I am not pleased I had an emotional affair, and he found out. I had lost myself during the marriage, and felt I wasn’t a person he wanted to change for. 

I moved out on my own almost 3 months now, the husband and I still speak, but we revert to the past, I do want to work things out with him, and asked him to Completely stop drinking, he say he will try but he would like to have at least 1 with his family. I told him I will not accept it, but I will do whatever it takes for him to trust me again. I don’t know if I am making the right decision to work things out so fast, or give it time, knowing that I have doubts it will go back to the same cycle of drinking. I want to work this marriage out and have a family, but I do not want to look like a fool at the end of this all. 
Am I holding onto something that will never change?


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## DebV (Oct 20, 2010)

He needs to show he is serious about changing his behavior. At a minimum he should be brave enough if he wants to save your marriage to attend an AA meeting or seek counseling. Good luck!


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Do you want to work this out because you feel you did something wrong, or do you love him?

I can imagine the loneliness that must come with being married to an alcoholic, especially when he does not share your emotion as it relates to the problems it creates in a relationship. When you had your EA, did you want out of the marriage?

I think his expression of the desire to have 1 more drink with his family before he quits drinking altogether is a cop-out. That's sort of like having a good-bye party for a friend. Whenever, that friend moves away he will probably come back to visit for the holidays.

No one knows if someone will really change. It is a matter of determining whether or not you have faith in that person, and whether or not you can handle another let down. How do you see it playing out?

I know that you have read my posts, and I seem like someone who is a bit flaky right now. While you would be right in your assumption, remember that my head is only clouded when it comes to my own situation. To view things objectively, I am usually spot on. It is viewing things subjectively that stumps me up. As it does you too, which is why you are on this forum. If you could clearly see what is best for you, you would not be here.

Exactly how long has your husband been drinking? How much did he drink, and how much does he still drink? Why would he want 1 more with his family? Does his family drink a lot? Tell him to have an O'douls, or a St. Pauli Girl.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Having recently starting taking myself to Alanon... I can say it's fantastic (and free)... It can help you sort out how YOU should treat the relationships around you, and you see some great examples of how other people manage their relationships.

Personally, after a couple months of alanon, I have come to realize that my "reality checker" is off... I have a hard time understanding when to draw the line to disallow something in my world / life, etc... My stbx is still drinking regularly, and hasn't ever mentioned stopping. I'm not sure he is convinced he has a problem. I'm sure he doesn't want to have the last drink.

However, I have a problem. I try to fix everything, make everything right, remove all bad feelings... It's simply not a normal give and take. So, I'm there to learn and share, and it's great. 

Anyway, an idea...


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Thank you all for your great advice,

As for crisis10008 :
Exactly how long has your husband been drinking? How much did he drink, and how much does he still drink?

He ha been drinking way before I met him, while we were dating, I knew he didn't know how to handle it, and when we got married, he told me he would stop, and i believed him, in which he failed numerous times after.
he have 2 in front of me, but with others, he doesn't stop his limit. he lives with his parents know, so he would tell me he have one beer with his family with sports and all. 

I care for him, and I do have feelings for him still, but I am not in love with him as I once were.. But i dont want to go out there and wonder. When he use to drink, he held in his emotions and would talk negatively about me to my friends, and caused alot of turmoil with my friends. to the point my own friends and fam doesnt want him around. So his support system is his friends and family, that blames me for my actions, and not his. 
we still talk, and i told him i wont go back till he stops, but his answers and pleads, is something i have heard before.

As for A-non program, i did try it but after growing up with an alcholic father, i feel it wasn't my fault for their actions, i just blocked it out of my mind. 

life is confusing..


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

No, because he hasn't demonstrated a willingness to change. 

I agree with the poster who said he has to go to counseling or AA. Someone who says something like "I just want to have one more..." will find other reasons to drink in the future. Next time it will be, "well he bought me the shot and I didn't want to be rude" or "I was just being social" or "I just want to be able to go out with the guys like I used to." 

If he won't go get help and work on changing this behavior, then you'll know where he stands. And trust me, you'll be better off. You don't want to spend your life with an alcoholic.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Christine30,

I had not realize that the two of you wer already living apart. The fact that the two of you are separated and he still has not stopeed drinking seriously concerns me as an outsider looking in. It tells me that even the shock and possibility of losing you has not affected his thoughts about his drinking problem. This tells me that he does not love himself either. It tells me that his drinking takes presidence over the possibility of his own true happiness. It appears that the drink is his true love.

Now, with that being said, he has obviously always put you second, as his drinking is what comes first. This may be why you sought the comfort of another man, be it physically or emotionally. I just finished reading an article on abuse, which stated that you can be driven to an affair by being made to feel unimportant by your partner. You're EA may have made you realize that you are not in love with your husband at all. It tells me that you want to find real love. So, I ask you, if you are not in love with your husband anymore and he apparently loves something else more than you, then why do you want to work it out? 

I have to say, I always try to consider the other side of every story, but there is no other side here. It is clear. I am inclined to tell you that I agree with everyone else here. Get out of this marriage and move on with your life. Find someone you can love, who will love you back equally in turn.

Unless you see some miraculous change very soon, I hope from the bottom of my heart that you do not waste your life on this man, this drunkard, who you do not love and simply does not really love you either. Seems like a waste of love and life, doesn't it?


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