# Can a mixed couple survive



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The title of "Can a mixed couple survive" I am referencing myself as a divorced man with two children, and my girlfriend has no children coming from a single background.

We've been dating almost 19 months now. I'm very upset at a conversation we just had so I need to vent. Like I said we've been dating 19 months, living together the last 2 months. I have my children, Son (11) Daughter (8) three days a week they live with us.

The constant argument seems to center around the money I spend on my children, or rather how I spend it. I have my child support which comes out of my check; then after that my ex wife and I pretty much split costs of things.

My girlfriend was raised where her dad just paid child support and not much else, and my dad did the same.

I just did back to school shopping, and for some of the clothes I got my kids name brand clothes (albeit at a great cost), and my son is into these special Nike socks that I've bought for him as a treat.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I have talked about marriage, but now she said she is scared because of losing control of her money if we get married, she mentioned my child support and the things I spend on top of that. I can't afford to spoil my kids but I get them extra things once in awhile. I also try to mix in non brand name things too.

My GF constant makes small remarks that we won't be able to afford a house in the future if I keep doing things like this.

We have a lease until next May. I love my GF and I want my future with her, but I also don't want to feel like I have to account for how I spend my money on my children. Maybe she is jealous that she can't have these things, I don't know.

Is this always going to be an issue since she doesn't have children of her own? She now says she wants to wait until the kids are much older to get married, which I'm fine with.

Suggestions


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you and your GF sat down and done a budget? Making sure there's mutually agreeable amounts for kid stuff, savings for a house, etc. 

C
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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

We have not yet. I guess what gets me is that I dont tell her how she can spend her money
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe if you made sure that money was being set aside for some of the "joint" expenses (trips, down payment, wedding rings, etc), you could each be left with pool of discretionary funds that could be spent without being questioned by the other person. You could also talk to a financial counselor to get some more ideas on money handling. 

My thoughts... You two just need to get on the same page with regards to finances. Your issues aren't big. YET. But they will become big issues in a short time. 

C
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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

PBear,
I think the money issues are what she uses to address other issues. My daughter that is 8 sometimes acts younger than she needs to, and I've been doing better trying to correct that issue.

A lot of it stems I think from her being single for pretty much all her life. She can control what she does, when she does, etc. Even her job allows her to basically make her own hours.

I'm different. I was with my ex for 11 years. I now work retail, my schedule is very regimented. 

We have a difference of opinion on some things that I don't think came to light until we moved in together.

I think she is an amazing person, I love her more than I ever loved my ex wife. We get along so very well on most issues.

Unfortunately the issues we disagree are the big ones (isn't that always how it works out?).

I've survived a lot in the last few years, so have the kids. My kids have formed a great bond with her. They love her.

I know if we didn't work out I would survive, but not going to lie financially it's already tight, I don't know how I'd make it.

Also, I'm 37 and I feel like with my GF it might be my last real chance to experience love without being jaded.

If we didn't work I feel like I would become a hermit, just live for my kids, and that's it. Sad as it is but that is what I would have to do.

I just hope I'm not reading too much into this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Disagreeing with a partner about his/her children can be a relationship killer. It's very close to the top of the list. Just be prepared so you can deal with it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Disagreeing with a partner about his/her children can be a relationship killer. It's very close to the top of the list. Just be prepared so you can deal with it.


So is finances...

How was your GF's financial picture before you? How does it compare to now? How old is she?

C
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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Disagreeing with a partner about his/her children can be a relationship killer. It's very close to the top of the list. Just be prepared so you can deal with it.


Yep top three relationships killers that lead to divorce:

Finances
Sex
Raising kids

OP you have two out of three here. Now what I suggest is pre martial counseling and either during that process ,or as a seperate endeavor, work with a financial advisor and come up with a budget you can both agree on.

If after this she still won't understand and compromise then she will punish you and your kids. Don't put your kids through this. Find a woman is will accept your position and that you need to provide for your kids


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Proud:
Don't paint yourself into a box by thinking that you will be jaded and not have a chance to find another compatible person for you. That is the path to accepting things in a partner that you will look back on later and say, "Why did I ignore those red flags?" 

I would suggest having your GF spend time individually with each child so that she comes to love them as you do, and to see them as her own children. Then she will not begrudge money spent on them.

Do not marry her until this is resolved to your satisfaction.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm just going to throw out what my thoughts would be if I were in a situation like this. I've always been pretty independent, I was married and with my ex for about 10 years, but have never been into the whole kid lifestyle. So, I probably have a similar take on things that your girlfriend might not have gelled into words yet.

First off, there's a whole world of difference between tolerating a guy's kids and financing them. Dealing with them being around a few nights on a regular basis--fine, whatever--but in a co-habitation situation, my concern would be that I'm either going to end up paying for all the stuff kids need and want when they're in my home or else I'll end up filling the budgetary gaps when the guy I'm with spends all his cash on his kids. And while yes, that's expected to a certain degree if you agree to date a guy with kids, it's not an expense I've ever been willing to sign up for. If I wanted to pay for kids, I'd have some, you know?

Have you and your GF discussed having kids? Does she want them at all/ever? That's a big thing, because it sounds like you're barely making it with the kids you have. So if she wants kids, she's going to need to figure out how to make that work from a budget standpoint, and that's not a good feeling to have going into a relationship. On the flip side, if she's never wanted kids, then stepparenting her way through the tweens and teens is going to be difficult. As a woman that has never wanted children myself, I can't imagine a more challenging issue in a relationship. 

Last point--priorities. Kids are high on the list, but in a new relationship, she has to be too. If your extra cash is going for kid "treats" what kind of budget do you have for "treats" or dates with her? Obviously, some months are just hard (like back to school time!) but overall, if the times you go out are with the kids and not as much one on one, then that's going to be a pretty big problem too. I don't think anyone would expect it to be dollar for dollar, hour for hour exchange, but it should feel equitable overall.

Frankly, it sounds like a lot of potential conflict. While it's admirable that you are so involved with your kids, just remember, it doesn't seem to be a lifestyle that she was anticipating or that she had the chance to "grow into" since she wasn't a part of things from their birth onward.

You've got your hands full with all of this. I would say some family therapy to get expectations and ground rules negotiated would be a good thing. I would also want a Co-habitation Agreement drawn up and notarized that outlines who is responsible for what, financially and operationally--but I think that's a good idea anytime you move in with someone.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

I think the others have put down some very good ideas. From my talks years back with a remarried mother of 2 this is what she did with her 2nd husband: they kept their money separate, but the bill payment was allocated between the two. I want to say he payed the mortgage and taxes and she paid all the household bills. I never asked about the kids expenses, but she did have a pretty good job, so I would expect she was able to pay for most of those as well. What it really comes down to is it's something that you need to work out with her. 

I just know that there is no way I would co-mingle my income with a spouse again, there is no way I would ever give someone that much control over me again.

-M


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A part of me thinks that if she knew this was the deal BEFORE she moved in with you, then her getting upset now is odd.

I say put the wedding off until you can work this out.

COg is right in the sense that because she does not have children of her own, she can't fully relate to you on that level. How old is she? Does she want children one day?

I am a child-free woman, too, and I realize the experience has got to be different for a parent, inevitably. I went on a date with a man recently with a teenage-d daughter. He looked at me like I had three yes when I said I don't have kids. I feel like he thought that was weird.

So: discuss and make a plan together and what is ok/what's not ok, etc. Negotiables, non-negotiables.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I certainly understand and support taking care of your children. However, it occurs to me that you pay child support to the custodial parent so that they can provide food, clothing, shelter, and other normal needs. You provide food and shelter when they are with you, extras, and split certain other costs.

So, I wonder if you should be spending as much as you do on clothing, unless your agreement calls for it. That should be the custodial parent's responsibility.

As for your gf, create a budget, and have separate accounts. Put your agreement about expenses and who is responsible for what in writing. Figure out how you will save for your future together, which includes planning for a house. Until you are married or have a purchase contract on a house together (if that's the plan), do not mingle funds for these plans.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your input. We had a hard talk last night. We both know we love each other deeply. However as rational adults we are trying to figure iut if we are going to be able to succeed in our life together. Neither of us want to lose each other. We have 10 months left on our apartment lease which is another issue. I looked hard at my spending and I feel that maybe ive beem buying brand name stuff as a way to compete with my ex wife. I do want to have a future with my gf. That means that my kids will be fine with non brand name stuff as well. 

This is all so hard because I dont want to feel like I have to justify how I spend my money on my kids but I also know if I were here id be worried too. God im all torn up. Its tough when love sometimes might not be enough. I know realistically id survive if we broke up but I dont want to imagine that
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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't think she is the right one for you. This is WAY too complicated and you aren't even married yet. In her mind, she is competing with your kids; not good.

Besides, why get married? Why not just continue to live together? Have a "commitment" ceremony instead of a wedding. No mess to extract yourselves from if it ultimately doesn't work.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

proudwidaddy said:


> Thank you everyone for your input. We had a hard talk last night. We both know we love each other deeply. However as rational adults we are trying to figure iut if we are going to be able to succeed in our life together. Neither of us want to lose each other. We have 10 months left on our apartment lease which is another issue. I looked hard at my spending and I feel that maybe ive beem buying brand name stuff as a way to compete with my ex wife. I do want to have a future with my gf. That means that my kids will be fine with non brand name stuff as well.
> 
> This is all so hard because I dont want to feel like I have to justify how I spend my money on my kids but I also know if I were here id be worried too. God im all torn up. Its tough when love sometimes might not be enough. I know realistically id survive if we broke up but I dont want to imagine that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This CAN be done...
Just approach it from a sensible angle.
Money is only a ***** if you mismanage it. If you have your expectations set well and know your limits...then it shouldnt be a show stopper.
Within reason.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Thats one thing we talked about. .just dating and being a couple for awhile. I love her, she knows that. Shes said she doesnt need to be married to know that she wants to be with me.
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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

At least you are able to have a hard talk with each other. Does your spending on your kids impact your finances as a couple and/or your financial objectives? The fact that you pay support AND buy stuff is great and admirable - maybe another parent would appreciate that - but it's also unnecessary. 

It's great you are trying to be objective - ARE you trying to compete with the mother? Are you spending out of guilt? Because you can certainly tell the kids that you already contributed your share of back-to-school expenses and that you gave it to their mother to spend at her discretion. After all, that's how support works.

You say money is tight yet you do this. Are you still able to save? Is saving important to the GF yet she sees you spending money unnecessarily? Would this be the case if it were a hobby instead of kids?

If you work out a budget you can both stick to, noone has to rush into marriage. Even she is willing to stay together without marriage. But after that, she might want to consider you'll be contributing toward college, or helping them furnish their first house or car, etc... just because they turn 18 doesn't mean you'll stop spending money on them.

Don't hang on because you think this is likely the last good relationship. If you hang on, do so because you think these are issues you can work out. There are banks that offer "buckets" for funds; there are money management programs you can buy. If you are able to communicate, come up with a plan and stick to it, then this can still work. But the plan has to be honestly agreeable to both of you - one cannot become resentful of the plan they agreed to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Shes said she doesnt need to be married to know that she wants to be with me.


Well, sh*t. Even I want to marry her now! LOL

That's like my ideal relationship!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did either of you survive BEFORE moving in together? Ideally, your expenses wouldn't be significantly more when you move in together? 

C
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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

P bear the issue as I understand it from her point of view is trying to understand why I have to buy the type of stuff...ie name brand versus non name brand stuff. Both of us are tight with bills prior to moving in.

Im so scared and confused and the thought of losing her hurts more than my divorce. 
Please people send prayers or good thoughts up for me. I need to make financial changes for my own well being so maybe this is the universe sparking changes
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So since you pay child support, why isnt your ex using that to buy the school stuff? Isnt that what support is for? I can see you buying them something a little special, maybe a certain pair of shoes they wanted, or a certain backpack...that kind of thing. But my opinion is that you shouldnt be funding the whole thing. My daughter's dad hates shopping, so he would usually give me a little extra in my support payment for back to school. So your GF has valid concerns, to a point. Kids are expensive, no matter how you work it. I agree with sharing the bills but keeping separate accounts as well. And no need to rush the whole getting married thing either, it sounds like she is content with how things are now.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

There's nothing easy about the situation you have described because it's very hard to determine what her true motives are. The behavior in and of itself would be very hard to accept - I too am a divorced father who pays child support and spends money on them when I can. If I were hearing that from my girlfriend it would definitely raise some red flags. I do know one thing from experience, glaring issues present before marriage do not suddenly change (or get better) after marriage.

As a side note, cohabitation is not a good way to prepare for marriage. Study after study have shown that couples who live together have more instances of domestic abuse, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and are more likely to get divorced. Money is also one of the most common things that married couples argue about. A girlfriend who worries about the money you spend on your children - what do you think will happen when she is the wife? Meeting with a counselor could be very helpful if you truly want to build a life with this woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

WolverineFan said:


> A girlfriend who worries about the money you spend on your children - what do you think will happen when she is the wife?


:iagree: I'd hate to say but it is a red flag. Love is so important but we have all learned that love on its own does not miraculously "fix" problems, which can be perhaps resolved or can only get worse as the relationship matures, realistically speaking. Whatever happens, I wish you all the very best.


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