# Ways to improve yourself without destroying others



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

There are so many threads on TAM which people state they have improved themselves with using RP, MMSL, or other sources. Unfortunately, these sources tend to cause bitter men to distrust the female gender even more. This thread is to prove that there are other sources of help for men who are having trouble in their relationships.

The Selling Of Masculinity


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think mindful and spiritual practices are good ones for any gender. Get your mind sorted out first. Get your own beliefs figured out and decide which ones are serving you best. Get your values figured out the same way.

I don't want to link or recommend any here because it is far too personal and specific for people.

But learning to meditate is the main key to most of these types of practices. You can really find clarity of purpose and get guidance when you learn to meditate and do it often. Everyone benefits from this. Relationship stuff will naturally receive the benefit too, the more you learn yourself and become peaceful with who you are.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Take evening courses at your local university or community college. NOT online . You'll thank me for it. 

Start doing a sport that encourages mindlessness. Fishing or Cycling . Plenty of time to think and reflect.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

john117 said:


> Take evening courses at your local university or community college. NOT online . You'll thank me for it.
> 
> Start doing a sport that encourages mindlessness. Fishing or Cycling . Plenty of time to think and reflect.


If you think cycling is a mindless activity, you are not pedaling fast enough.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Duguesclin said:


> If you think cycling is a mindless activity, you are not pedaling fast enough.


I'm not out there to win the yellow shirt (*). I'm there to clear my mind of things. My standard pace is 12mph and I can go at it for 3 hours easily. Not bad for a late 50's geezer on a hybrid bike if you ask me. 

This and my city's superb bike trails allow me to really put 5% mental energy to cycling and 95% to self reflection. You'll be amazed how much thinking you can do in 3 hours.

* I already have one from the tour de France two years ago my daughter bought me one


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think mindful and spiritual practices are good ones for any gender. Get your mind sorted out first. Get your own beliefs figured out and decide which ones are serving you best. Get your values figured out the same way.
> 
> I don't want to link or recommend any here because it is far too personal and specific for people.
> 
> But learning to meditate is the main key to most of these types of practices. You can really find clarity of purpose and get guidance when you learn to meditate and do it often. Everyone benefits from this. Relationship stuff will naturally receive the benefit too, the more you learn yourself and become peaceful with who you are.


Whoot!


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This is an useful article for men and women

How to Handle Being "Just Friends" - Paging Dr. NerdLove


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I learned to meditate years ago while taking yoga classes, it is an excellent way to clear the mind of the junk and stress of the day. It makes me more content and focused. When you collect stress, anger and depression from things that happen at work or home, you are not free to collect positive things like fun, contentment and joy. This is why depressed people lose interest in things that they used to enjoy, because their minds are filled with the things making them depressed. Meditation can help with this.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Walking is something we can do everyday...

Walking as Meditation: Quiet Your Mind as You Improve Your Health | Huffington Post


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This is one woman's journey in self-improvement ...

8 Unexpected Lessons I?m Learning on My Healing and Liberation Journey ? Everyday Feminism


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> Walking is something we can do everyday...
> 
> Walking as Meditation: Quiet Your Mind as You Improve Your Health | Huffington Post


My wife walks a lot every day... All it does for her is time to rehash old issues...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

john117 said:


> techmom said:
> 
> 
> > Walking is something we can do everyday...
> ...


That's interesting John. Yes it would seem that if a person is making it their goal in life to stay on track with the same beliefs forever....then to keep drumming it into your mind everyday is one way to do that.

But how do know what she is thinking though? Are you just assuming?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A few years ago we used to walk together. she would either listen to very loud music or talk for hours on end one sided about the same sh!t over and over again. This summer she took one of the girls with her and the same thing happened. Dd2 was more stoic about it and tolerated it, often offering advise based on her pretty good rational thought. Dd1 simply texted "somebody please shooooot me" type messaged to me 

The subject of discussion is always the same with the girls too. Me, the cat, dating, school... But in a way that prohibits discussion. Dd2 was able to pump much useful information from her at my request


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i'm distrustful of formulas and movements.

improve yourself by learning who you are and what you love. i don't think there are any pop formulas or movements for this.
you've got to try a lot of stuff and figure out what your passion is. 

Freud once was asked what it was to live a fulfilling life. his answer was 'to love and to work'. i think he got that right, mostly.
but i think to understand what that means, is not to simply go through the motions of working and loving.

but rather to find a work that is passion. and to learn to truly love at a higher, mature level. in buddhism to subjugate the self to others around you.

i think the best way to find that is to pursue your own path and not follow the crowd.
you must learn to listen inwardly to yourself and in these crazy days of technology and pop culture, it's not easy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's just say not all of us psych types like good ole' Sigmund all that much 

Not as much the love part - I love my cat, does that count? - but the work part as well... Let Herr Freud work extra long shifts at a burger joint and let's see if he agrees with passion...


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## Sephirox (Sep 18, 2016)

There are many forms of improvements, but for most people I've talked to they mostly focus on spiritual, physical and mental improvement, which is super vague but more so like improving your daily mindset to become a more positive person, and to be able to wake up everyday motivated and mentally happy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The more I improved myself - education and self awareness wise - the more I turned negative towards other people. Negative as in, "wtf are they thinking / doing / saying". 

The road to self improvement is not a scene out of The Sound Of Music, and the destination isn't a scene from there either. Becoming more self aware allows you to examine thoughts you never would have before, only because now you sense more and have more bandwidth to process more...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

john117 said:


> My wife walks a lot every day... All it does for her is time to rehash old issues...


So it is fine for you to spend hours cycling and being mindless but not for your wife to do similar?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We usually cycle together. But she has to think about where she's going, while for me it's more automatic ie mindless. The end result is that we may be on the trail for two hours a day and not exchange one sentence.

Which is good for both of us . After 2 hours cycling she'll still walk or run another half hour on the treadmill. 










We've had an awesome weather streak, 10+ days in the low 80's and no rain, and I have spent my evenings working on house maintenance projects while Dr. J2 is on the trail. Not that I'm complaining.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> So it is fine for you to spend hours cycling and being mindless but not for your wife to do similar?


I think the issue is with personal differences and approaches. Just cycling, walking, yoga, etc is not guaranteed to help, it depends on the person and their approach. The issue is not the hours spent or the particular activity.

This often makes it difficult to recommend a particular activity for a particular person. Do something your friends do, then you have company. Do something you enjoyed as a child, then you have good memories. Find something that needs a little concentration, but not too much. Find something you can start at comfortably, but which can challenge you to grow.

As a teenager my best mental exercise was cutting firewood. It was hard, boring, sweaty physical work, great for burning off teenage energy and giving me a peaceful place to relax and think. I enjoyed it so much I had to ration the wood so I had more to look forward to tomorrow. Others looked at is as hard, boring, sweaty physical work that they wouldn't be interested in for any amount of money. If forced to cut wood they will complain and get increasingly unhappy. 
The difference is mental state. I particularly liked the mild danger of cutting firewood, you had to pay some attention or you may cut yourself, so no dozing off. But it didn't need full concentration, so I could relax somewhat mentally.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I spend a lot of my running time thinking about things, many of which p!so me off. But it's a way for me to relieve stress and irritation.....usually when I'm done I feel much better.

Sometimes I think about work problems and sometimes I reflect. The key to running a lot of miles is to occupy your mind. 

As for the original topic, I think we all should strive to be the kind of people we want to be. I can't imagine how any decent person really feels good about themselves when treating another poorly.

Just be the person you want to be and if your partner doesn't appreciate that it's on them. 

Unless you want to be a selfish, manipulative jerk.....then it's on you.

One this is certain though: you can't ever be better by bringing another down. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Improving yourself is a valid goal. However, we need to be aware of our intrinsic value too. It's the need to see our own value that concerns me most. Yes, be all that you can be, but also be aware you always have value.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'd consider 'improving' as the things that life reflect back to me that don't feel congruent.

Getting to my congruence often comes as lessons and is discovered through listening, having support and then just trying stuff out - different ways of approaching and handling things. Sure, that can feel uncomfortable at times but that's what makes it necessary.

It's the actions (or sometimes even the inaction) that creates my personal growth; to keep moving forward.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

techmom said:


> There are so many threads on TAM which people state they have improved themselves with using RP, MMSL, or other sources. Unfortunately, these sources tend to cause bitter men to distrust the female gender even more. This thread is to prove that there are other sources of help for men who are having trouble in their relationships.


You keep calling on us to trust you and abandon our ego. Why would any sane person trust that? Don't you have your own self improvement to work on? Really us Guys (x chromosome deficient individuals) have methods that work for us. How is abandoning the pursuit of female relationships "destroying" you? I don't believe that feminism will suffer if men refuse to buy diamond rings and prom dates for them. In fact I'm pretty sure someone will be chiming in soon to say that they don't want those things.



MrsHolland said:


> So it is fine for you to spend hours cycling and being mindless but not for your wife to do similar?


Some days I meditate while swimming, some days I rehash. I can easily distinguish the difference between these two.

If an empty mind is the goal there are several drugs and a few surgical procedures that can achieve that. Alcohol is popular.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't recall anyone here saying that RP, MMSL, or others are the only sources/ways to improve one self, so I don't understand what you are trying to "prove" as most people understand there are many resources out there. Just b/c they choose the one that fits them best doesn't prove or disprove anything...

Aside from that, I would put taking care of or improving your health as a priority, whether it be at the gym or other activities.


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