# Is sexting with strangers cheating?



## Eric P (5 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.

We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit. 

When I confronted her about it, she said that she has no emotional connection to them and that it is not cheating because they are not physically together. I say she is.

What do you think?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


Yes, it's cheating.

It is also a slippery slope. At some point, the online attention may not be enough for her and she may take it further.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

An alcoholic begins with one drink. 

She needs to stop now. Totally unacceptable for a married woman or man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife sexting with anyone other than you is a form of cheating, in my opinion.

So you’re aware, cheaters say all kinds of things to back pedal and diminish what they’re doing. Her “excuse” isn’t uncommon.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Your wife sexting with anyone other than you is a form of cheating, in my opinion.
> 
> So you’re aware, cheaters say all kinds of things to back pedal and diminish what they’re doing. Her “excuse” isn’t uncommon.


Exactly this. She's minimizing her behaviour by saying it isn't emotional or physical, ignoring what is IS.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you've been married 21 years and sex died out after your daughter was born, I'm going to assume that much of your marriage has been sexless.

Add to that the real possibility you are married to an alcoholic who is now indulging in online tickle-and-slap. Well, you've got the perfect recipe for disaster.

Having your child exposed to this nonsense is not good.

What do you want to do about this. And, yeah, it IS cheating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Yes.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Very much so.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


I think you way too patient.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You’ve got multiple serious issues going on here.

But first I have a question. What do you mean by “ incredibly aroused all the time” exactly?

Does that mean you’re having sex together now?

or does it mean she is double clicking her mouse all the time and still rejecting you sexually?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. .......She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


I think it is an Emotional affair form of cheating. 

She may say that there is no emotional connection, but I don't believe it. She is correct that there is not a physical cheating, but sexting for the purpose of sexual arousal is cheating and investing time that could be spent with her husband with other men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


It had my ex wanting and getting a divorce when I found out about it after 4 months of it. So you can guess my opinion.
She is flat out lying about there being no emotional connection. If there weren’t, she wouldn’t find it any fun, now would she?

You should deal with it just as severely as you would catching her in bed with another man.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Eric P said:


> sexting random men she met through Reddit.


 I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus , 
men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books 

she is using this as porn , 
no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

random men is the important thing here if it is the same man all the time , scream stop like if you have a fixation on one actress and start having sex with your wife and thinking of the actress or lady gaga , 

some women have the same fixation on male singers


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus ,
> men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books
> 
> she is using this as porn ,
> no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


I'm just asking, are you actually serious in this response? I hope not because it's so morally maligned with anything contributing to other than a simple animalistic society worthy of inhabitation by rabbit dogs only, that thinking you advised this in jest is the one way I can make sense of it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if she is sexting those men I am guessing if you checked her phone she has been sending them nudes....and if she has then ask her is that is cheating ?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus ,
> men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books
> 
> she is using this as porn ,
> no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


Comparing porn to romance novels is like comparing shooting a bullet to throwing it. It’s absurd. 😂


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus ,
> men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books
> 
> she is using this as porn ,
> no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


Of course there are men who never look at porn. Just as there are many women who don't read rubbishy erotic or romance books.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's far from ideal, but *if *you now have sex and *you are happy about that*, why get bent about how her libido gets triggered - as long as she never meets any of them or focuses on a particular one?

Or, you can finally choose to dump her now that she does want sex, and start over.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

To me, the question isn't whether sexting is cheating. It's why you didn't head for the door because of the heavy drinking and no sex!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

It’s a an ambiguous grey area as to whether it’s actually “cheating” and it also depends on what you mean by sexting.

That that said, what’s not ambiguous is that it is completely unacceptable behavior, and a potentially existential violation of the marriage.
It cannot be tolerated.

Dude, your wife won’t **** you, is not attracted to you and doesn’t respect you. Which also means she’s not in love with you.

Why have you tolerated a sexless marriage with a woman who doesn’t desire you?

1. Sexless marriage is not a marriage, and it’s not acceptable.
2. Sexting other men is not acceptable, and cannot be tolerated.

#2 is easier to address than #1 but you need to fix both of these, or get out of this miserable marriage.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> It's far from ideal, but *if *you now have sex and *you are happy about that*, why get bent about how her libido gets triggered - as long as she never meets any of them or focuses on a particular one?
> 
> Or, you can finally choose to dump her now that she does want sex, and start over.


Yeah, well, no fine. You know the most stimulating sex organ is the brain. You are advising him to accept that his wife wouldn't give him access unless her mind is filled with the images of other men.

Only a weak man would accept the scraps of another man left on the table.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> It's far from ideal, but *if *you now have sex and *you are happy about that*, why get bent about how her libido gets triggered - as long as she never meets any of them or focuses on a particular one?
> 
> Or, you can finally choose to dump her now that she does want sex, and start over.


That is absolutely insane. 
No, he should not tolerate his wife sexting (sharing sexual experiences/energy) with other men just so they can turn her on enough that she’ll actually touch him.
1. Because it’s disgusting and pathetic.
2. Because it will escalate to more than sexting.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sounds like she is testing the waters....If she gets too deep , she will drown with someone else and it won't be you. How do u know she hasn't met any of these men ?
Get ahold of her phone and look at the phone bill if possible. She may have already given some guy her number. ?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

It’s cheating. I divorced my wife over sexting, sending and receiving nudes and phone sex. To this day I don’t know if they physically met and I don’t care any longer. Problem solved.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Yeah, well, no fine. You know the most stimulating sex organ is the brain. You are advising him to accept that his wife wouldn't give him access unless her mind is filled with the images of other men.
> 
> Only a weak man would accept the scraps of another man left on the table.


It has already been established that he's weak, having put up with her drinking and a sexless marriage for a long time, so for him this may be an upgrade! Is he going to be strong now that he's getting some? I doubt it. He'll be weaker. So, given that, he may as well enjoy it - until he grows a pair and kicks her out. That could happen, but it seems unlikely.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> It has already been established that he's weak, having put up with her drinking and a sexless marriage for a long time, so for him this may be an upgrade! Is he going to be strong now that he's getting some? I doubt it. He'll be weaker. So, given that, he may as well enjoy it - until he grows a pair and kicks her out. That could happen, but it seems unlikely.


I was once a newly betrayed. It sucks, you never expected it, you ignored red flags and warning signs, you don't know what to do and your reality is shattered. From a view above the forest, you are correct. OP is still on the forest floor. Let's give him a rope from above. He'll either climb it or not. If he doesn't, then we can agree in full on your point.

We are not separated by sentiment or belief, but by making that sentiment and belief relevant to a given point of time being the present.

So many men today are the product of a broken society. Let's grab them by the collar, not hang them by it, until they refuse to wake up.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

100% cheating…. Just wait until she finds out one of those guys are close by


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## boredwife303 (5 mo ago)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> When I confronted her about it, she said that she has no emotional connection to them and that it is not cheating because they are not physically together. I say she is.
> What do you think?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus ,
> men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books
> 
> she is using this as porn ,
> no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


Yeah, well except for the fact that she is actually interacting with these random men and porn is something that is watched. Kind of a major difference there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Yeah, well except for the fact that she is actually interacting with these random men and porn is something that is watched. Kind of a major difference there.


the church web site on this " Pornography is any depiction, in pictures or writing, that is intended to inappropriately arouse sexual feelings " so they lob the two together in the same way.sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal. 








Difference between romance novels, porn lies in emphasis


Romance novels get a bad rap. A lot of people believe that romance novels are essentially glorified porn for women. It isn't socially acceptable for women to be watching porn, so we as the fairer sex should assume porn is gross and instead read it under the acceptable guise of a romance novel.I've r




www.kstatecollegian.com





What we have is “textual porn,” words and usually a thin plot _meant to arouse_ and conjure lustful images, if not actions. While the medium is different, the end of the action is the same as your standard visual porn.

Again, at the unfortunate end of the spectrum, you have texts such as _50 Shades_ that glorify sexual violence, brokenness, and victimhood instead of integrity and any kind of selfless, disciplined love. Just like the “fantasy” women of visual porn, the men in these novels are often caricatures of real masculinity and use their strength to dominate instead of serving the woman before them.

Whether textual, photographic, or cinematic, porn takes what should be an intimate gift between spouses and offers this union up for disordered self-gratification. We can hide behind excuses and rationalizations, but whatever the format the goal is the same


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the church web site on this " Pornography is any depiction, in pictures or writing, that is intended to inappropriately arouse sexual feelings " so they lob the two together in the same way.sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, romance novels don't involve slavery or rape, so again, shooting a bullet vs throwing it. I can concede they are both sexual in nature; I write to vent sexual energy (this whole mid-life resurgence is frankly kinda making me mad) so I can't deny there is a sexual component to it. But I disagree that it gives women the same kind of unrealistic expectations that porn gives men. No woman, even the porn star herself, can compete with a 22 year old perfect body for long. Romantic stories happen in your head and are emotion-based, rather than being a visual interpretation of what women are now supposed to be. So porn is to romance novels as seahorses are to the Portuguese Man-o-War. They both float in the sea, but only one will leave you scarred.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


Monogamy is in all areas, physical and emotional. Can't have your cake and pie together. If it's something a couple talks about before hand and agrees to add some spice to their lives, same as live camping, then to each their own. If it's found out, well that opens up a whole big can of worms. Cheating is cheating. Sin is sin.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

frenchpaddy said:


> the church web site on this " Pornography is any depiction, in pictures or writing, that is intended to inappropriately arouse sexual feelings " so they lob the two together in the same way.sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What I stated in rebuttal to your post has nothing to do with the differences nor similarities of porn vs romance novels. It is the difference between porn/romance novels vs. actual interaction with another that matters.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m thinking hit and run. OP didn’t want to hear it was cheating because he wants to rugsweep, forgive and forget. 21 years married, this ain’t her first rodeo. Happy wife makes happy life 🤮


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is the important part of your post , random men on Rabbit , it is animus ,
> men use visual porn women use books , most books of a romantic type like FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY and mills and boon novels are sold to women , this is women's porn All Books
> 
> she is using this as porn ,
> no different to if you look at porn at times , and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


Sure it's porn, porn she is creating. Big difference between making and consuming porn IMO. First nude pics, then masturbation video and how long till another person is involved. 


@Eric P It is cheating. I'm assuming when you say that she was aroused all the time that means you've been having sex. To me that sounds like she is just using you as her sex toy. She obviously has a libido, just no desire for you. She found that the attention of random men whacking off to her get's her hot and you are slightly better than a vibrator and available. You were, are and will continue to be her tool.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


It really depends on your boundaries. To some it will be considered cheating, others it won't. For me, it's not necessarily cheating, but highly inappropriate.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

How do you know she’s "only" sexting?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> ...and I think there is not a male poster here that can say he has never looked at porn ,


Yes, when single, from time to time.
No and never while in a relationship.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

IMO it IS infidelity.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Eric P said:


> My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We started having problems after our daughter was a few years old. We moved back to be near her family (which she didn't want), my wife started drinking heavily, and finances became tight. She held a lot of resentment towards me and we stopped having sex.
> 
> We moved again and I thought things were getting better (still no sex). Then, all of a sudden about a month ago, she became incredibly aroused all the time. I discovered later that she had started sexting random men she met through Reddit.
> 
> ...


When it comes to cheating, cheating is cheating! No way to candy coat it. Either both parties are faithful emotionally and physically, or they are not. When either withdraw in anyway in a relationship, something is wrong. We must observe each other for this and be attentive to the others needs/issues.we had an old saying the Navy, horse play leads to sick bay. We cannot be a couple if we are distracted by others with our emotions. We submit ourselves willingly to each other body, mind and soul. When there is a change in this philosophy a problem has happened, the breakdown starts. When either looks outside to fulfill a need, then there is work to be done. We come up with all kinds of names to cover infidelity, but it is still the same beast. Some can easily be dealt with, some cannot. In this issue, there is a line between a friendly text exchange having sex with them. The line has been crossed and you must figure out the why and if it can be repaired. Being a soft Weiner will not get it done. You must stand your ground. You must lead by example and be willing to do what it takes. It's a world with lots of new ways to screw up our relationships. Don't roll over and be a door mat. Stand up and have a back bone and quit being a jelly fish.. move, lead or follow...but do something. Don't just sit the fence.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

24 years ago I got hooked up in this crap in it's beginning. Was no texting yet, was a chat room. Hey fantasy right? No talk, no pics...it's not cheating. ********. I destroyed my wife's heart when I revealed what I had done. It took years for her to regain any form of trust in me and for me to become her hero again. I cheated on her plain and simple. She has even said she would have gotten over a physical affair better. People can rationalize anything they want if needed. Cheating is the same whatever form it takes.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Everything you do with other people that you cannot do in the presence of or with the full heartfelt approval of your SO is cheating. PERIOD.


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## JustAnj (7 mo ago)

It's cheating if you have not had a conversation with your partner about having a open relationship and it's boundaries if it's a compromise that can be made. 

Anything outside of the relationship that has not been communicated and agreed on is cheating. Remember two people are in a relationship not one.


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