# I need a man's advice (Opened up pandoras box and don't know how to close it)



## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

Okay I'm going to bare all the nitty gritty details, I'm going to say exactly what I did as this was my fault. 

Me and my husband both got married quickly. We got married and everything was wonderful. Had the occasional fight made up everything was honkydoory. Till I had our son. 

My husband was military and had to be medically retired at 29 b/c of the trauma he faced. He want to relocate us to OR he agreed to let me take Micheal (our son) to AL to let my family see him as we were moving across the country

We lost our son in a bogus DHR case in which our soon was suffering from colic and a milky allergy that was blown out of proportion in to a false charge of neglect and my Mother in law had to take him. While this was going on I was so consumed in my own grief of losing him to begin with that neglected my husbands needs. We started fighting acussions started to fly and eventually I asked for a opened relationship. I know Biggest mistake ever. 

through the whole thing I had to have everything my way I was a unloving, mean, cruel, Bleep. I would guilt him and say things that I should never have said. I treated him worse than a dog. ( we have a dog and I treat the dog better than my husband) 

So in june my husbands parents got into a sticky situtation where his step mom had cancer and his dad had no job so ben wanted to attempt to move back up there. and didn't say no

well a heatwave hit and I couldn't go b/c well the dog couldn't fly with us so I told him to go instead. and I have been here since july. 

well a few days ago I told him I wanted to work on our marriage that I didn't want the opened relationship anymore that I wanted to be with only him and he kinda freaked our talks are not as loving anymore in fact they are down right cold. A friend of mine talk to him and told me that he is just wondering if I'm playing games again and that he is testing me but I'm not sure this is so hard being across the country. He told me he still wants me to move up there but he keeps talking bout separating and divorce even though I working on my issues and I'm changing. I know my behavior was wrong, I know that the situation was no excuse I know this and it kills me every time I think bout how I treated him for a year. I still love him very much but I need help on how to approach this.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well first off it's great that you can look within to see what happened because that's something a lot of people have a hard time doing.

I'm in a bad spot in my marriage too and during my not so healthy time of trying to fix it and arguing over it a lot, my wife has given me the green light to sleep with someone else. I have not taken her up on it. But when she did that, it was the first day I really thought the marriage had a good chance of failing. It was like the foundation got blown away with just a few words.

Probably not what you want to hear, but at least to me, that's was sign that you aren't budging and he can take it or leave it.

To come back from something like that... I guess I'd need a lot of help understanding your changes, I'd definitely need to see them in action, for a long time, to know you were committed to things. You might be the "new you", but your husband is going to constantly remember the old you for a long time and you'd have to be willing to bear that with him.

I'm a pretty loyal guy so if I had another woman in my life with your blessing, and you started working your new life and communication with me, I don't know what I'd do with that. He'd need to pick you and just you in time, but if you try to force it too quickly it'd backfire on you most likely. I'd feel like you were toying with my life.

The more he sees the new you and the loving you, the more he's likely to choose you in the end.

Hopefully others can help you more as well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Stand on your own two feet, without any financial assistance.... get your son back. Show h that you have grown and are ready for a grown relationship. Even if it is too late, and he has reached the point of no return.... then you will be the new improved you, and can move on FOR yourself and your son.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You didn't travel with him because the dog couldn't go?

You're STILL treating the dog better. Put it in a kennel?


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## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

I DID treat him like that but I realized what I did wrong and I'm wondering how to approuch the situtation... without loosing him. 

We talked last night and he still wants to be with me but wants to start the relationship over......... I don't want to do what I did last time but at the same time I don't want to do something worse than what I did. We still love each other very much.


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## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

I DID treat him like that but I realized what I did wrong and I'm wondering how to approuch the situtation... without loosing him. 

We talked last night and he still wants to be with me but wants to start the relationship over......... I don't want to do what I did last time but at the same time I don't want to do something worse than what I did. We still love each other very much.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

"We still love each other very much." Wow, what a statement. Your story proves without a doubt that love has been missing from the relationship for a very long time. Other than the first part of the marriage, love has been gone for a first time.

An open relationship does not equal love. It equals lust. The love in your relationship is gone. Admit it.

Can you fall back in love, sure. But do you really think he is still in love with you through all of this?



akmb07 said:


> I DID treat him like that but I realized what I did wrong and I'm wondering how to approuch the situtation... without loosing him.
> 
> We talked last night and he still wants to be with me but wants to start the relationship over......... I don't want to do what I did last time but at the same time I don't want to do something worse than what I did. *We still love each other very much.*


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

akmb07 said:


> I DID treat him like that but I realized what I did wrong and I'm wondering how to approuch the situtation... without loosing him.
> 
> We talked last night and he still wants to be with me but wants to start the relationship over......... I don't want to do what I did last time but at the same time I don't want to do something worse than what I did. We still love each other very much.


then "start over". my marriage counselor stressed that to move forward, you have to put the past in the past.

that means both of you have to work on making the future better. if he can't get past you previous behavior, it won't work out.

btw - you two are better off living apart from relatives and friends and concentrating on each other. family may need help, but you two need to put YOUR family first.


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## 40cal (Sep 2, 2011)

My wife is doing the whole everything is more important here and not there with you thing. i would move with him. my wife wont move with me and Im so close to getting a divorce or a separation or even worst.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious, why did you suggest the open marriage? From you post I picked up the vibe that you did it so that you could be with other men guilt free.

If so, then what has actually changed? Have you decided to love your husband and be fsithful? Perhaps he is thinking your still going to play around, but that you want him to be home waiting for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

I did it b/c of the fighting and in my stupidity I thought it would help seeing as there was so much pressure for us from both of our families to stay together ( and there still is) but still let us explore other options. but this topic needs to go away as I'm getting ready to file for a Divorce. I know now this is not fixable b/c after he agreed to close the relationship and work on what was wrong with our marriage instead of ignoring it he basically started to cheat after begging me to move cross country to be with him to straighten things out. 

they are straight alright its call I'm leaving him I deserve better. Yeah I made mistakes, I did things wrong too hell I even ended a friendship with a friend b/c he asked b/c he thought we were having a EA and we weren't ( I play WoW and other rps with this person nothing more nothing less didn't talk bout problems with this person, didn't talk bout anything outside of WoW or the other rps) 

He sent his new thing 1500 while I was begging churches for food and shelter b/c his refuses to grow up. I know it takes two to break a relationship. I'm not denieing that but I'm done I've graduated to the Divorce forum and that is that so can someone please lock this topic.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You two should not be married. The way you are together is destructive to a marriage vow. That you had even considered an open marriage as a solution is like throwing gasoline on an already bad fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What about your child?


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## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

Our son is staying in the custdoy of his grandmother till I'm on my own two feet again.


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