# Is it just me?



## jojo2020

Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles. This has only been exposed within the last 4 yrs. We have 3 daughters between the both of us but none together; they have all moved out by now. He lives as a blank, emotionless, sneaky alcoholic and I don't know which way to turn at this point, all I know is I don't want to give up but I am getting worn out. He blames it all on me and almost has me believing its true...…

Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage?
Its consuming my everthing


----------



## hubbyintrubby

I'm not quite clear what exactly you'd be "giving up". 

The lies? The deceit? The blame shifting? The sneakiness? The lack of emotion for you? 

All things I'm sure you could live without.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

I agree with HubbyinTrubby...what is this great "loss" you'll experience by ridding yourself of a nasty, verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic who can't even be HONEST with you, who blames YOU for his **** behavior, and who can't even show you the *respect* most of us show the common stranger out on the street? 

Sorry, I can't see even a *shred* of the possible "loss" to which you are referring. 

Call me crazy, but I only see the positives of ridding yourself of this toxic person so you can live a healthy, positive, authentic life without him.


----------



## aine

jojo2020 said:


> Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles. This has only been exposed within the last 4 yrs. We have 3 daughters between the both of us but none together; they have all moved out by now. He lives as a blank, emotionless, sneaky alcoholic and I don't know which way to turn at this point, all I know is I don't want to give up but I am getting worn out. He blames it all on me and almost has me believing its true...…
> 
> Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage?
> Its consuming my everthing


I have been on that roller coaster, the broken promises, the teetotal days, the relapses, the AA starts and stops, the attempts to control the chaos. 
I have learnt one thing and that is you cannot fix an alcoholic and in the majority of cases if they don't work a program they will relapse and it never gets better but progressively worse.
This is not your fault, do not listen to him. Why would you listen to a person who chooses to lie to himself? They will lie, make you believe you are the one with the problem, etc.
Best thing is to get yourself into *Al-Anon* to help you, you cannot help him.Surround yourself with a supportive community.
Live your life independently of him.
Do you have a job? do you have your own finances?
Stop managing his life, stop covering for him, making excuses for him, of course only to the extent it will not affect you.
Read M*alorie Beattie's Co-Dependent No more.*
Alcoholism is a family disease, we enable them. You must stop the enabling and become free. That is what I did, he sorted himself out but I retain a healthy dose of reality and wont hold my breathe cause I know there will be relapses but is no longer my problem. 
I would also suggest you go and join *Sober Recovery.com* for tons of wisdom and support there. 
Do not talk to family and friends who are not aware of alcoholism, noone understands what is like unless they lived with one.


----------



## jojo2020

First and foremost, thank you for your feedback thus far, I think being my first post as a new member, I didn’t cover all the reason that keep me there; from the outside looking in, any fool can see that it’s just easy to LEAVE! 

Throughout these last 10 yrs, besides his false promises and multiple attempt and my tiring efforts to do anything needed to help him, I helped raise his daughter that he had FULL custody of, I played a very active roll in his close knit family (who turns a blind eye to his issue) in their mother’s battle through lymphoma until she passed. I have taken on the responsibility of helping his father (who lives a stones throw away) while the other siblings moved on since their mothers passing. 

All of which sounds like excuses to me and I have worked so hard on MYSELF to push through this. 
I do work, full time. I am NOT dependent on him financially at all. 

I AM ALONE! I need some input on this! I am just falling apart, I’m tired and I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, should I continue and honor my commitment or just let it all go!


----------



## lifeistooshort

Was your commitment to be a doormat and to put up with abuse, lies, and alcoholism?

If so then yes you should "honor" your commitment.

If not then you should probably get out.

See how it looks when you think of it like that? I've never understood this idea people cling to of "honoring" commitments to a partner that clearly doesn't honor theirs. I honored my pledge to forsake all others when I married my ex....unfortunately he didn't honor his pledge to forsake all others, so I left (one of many reasons).

I'm going to guess that wasn't what you actually committed to, so what is the real reason you don't want to go? You're getting some kind of payoff here.....figure out what it is and you will have your answer.


----------



## wilson

Is your H the first close person with a drug or alcohol problem you've had to deal with? This kind of problem is not really curable. Rather, it's a chronic situation that needs to be continually managed. Even if he gave up alcohol today, it's likely he'll relapse even if he does everything right. To stay clean, he'll need to continually take steps to ensure he keeps the urges at bay. That takes a lot of effort. Many people find it very easy to slide back into old habits.

Based on what you've shared, I don't think it's worth trying to work it out. With only 10 years of marriage and no shared children, it's not really worth all the effort you'll have to put into this. The rest of your relationship will be rocky and filled with all these same kinds of lies. It's totally understandable that you want to help him get better, but you will be sacrificing a lot without any guarantee of a positive outcome.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's a hard circumstance, sorry you're going through these difficult times.

And two lives do get intertwined with families and even the good times that are shared, of course they do. The easiest isn't always the best action, the hardest not always the worst choice. 

Much depends on the whole package of which only you know all the details. A good amount of thought before permanent decisions make positive outcomes more likely. 

Good for you, you're evaluating things as a whole.

Just to gather a bit more information. 

What is defining H as an alcoholic? 

Is it constant over-drinking and irresponsibility resulting from that?

Is it because he drinks everyday after 5:00pm?

Is it because he starts every morning with a drink, and drinks every hour of every day?

Is it because he'd like a couple drinks in the evenings but has been forced (by you or whoever) to stop even a couple after 5, which then makes him then have to hide it fir a couple evening drinks?

Is he drinking way way too much and gets abusive to you or family?

Who's providing the / what is the definition of "you're an alcoholic" being assigned here?

I'm not asking because I'm saying he's not but to clarify perhaps the depth of the problem and why he's being forced to hide his drinking. 

Some folks define drinking three evenings a week to moderation as being an alcoholic. 

Some folks say once or twice a week makes one an alcoholic. 

Generally having to drink every morning and every day to excess is the no doubt phase and calls for one response from family, especially the spouse. 

Now he may be a raging alcoholic, I'm not doubting you but trying to get a couple more details before offering any input.

Hang in there. Whatever the outcome you can and will get through it.


----------



## Spicy

Are you still in love with him?
Do you want to save the marriage or are you done?


----------



## jojo2020

Well, as far as me honoring my commitment to him isn’t just “in our marriage”, I just feel like- he’s dealing with this but that doesn’t give me the right to throw him away! now please don’t mistake what I am saying as I am making excuses for him. I am not the wife who enables this situation by no means which brings me into what defines him as an Alcoholic. 

His drink of choice is VODKA, his is high functioning. Works and manages to hide it from most of his daily life. As far as a social life, HE HAS NONE! He drinks alone, he drinks it straight and out of the bottle and also has it in plastic water bottles hidden everywhere so it’s always at reach; I find them all over and confront him. 

He is the first person I have ever had to face that I love, with addiction and I have been and am still willing to hear the good the bad and the ugly bc at this point, emotionally I have been torn apart and pieces back together ... BY THE SAME PERSON, over and over! 

I left last year for 6 months and he took that very hard with promises of changed, we reconciled and since I have been back, it’s been worse. 
He isn’t physically abusive, he doesn’t cause harm to anyone BUT HIMSELF.. he won’t drink and drive! I know somewhere in there, there is a good man but I’ve scarified myself FOR WAY TOO LONG! I’m admitting this! 

To answer whether or not I do still love him or not... Idk what it is anymore, I know fully that I can’t love him, I don’t even love myself right now! 

Again, I am so thankful to have found a community to be able to share this and be able to hear some feedback


----------



## wilson

Being an alcoholic is not something that most people can just tackle on their own. He will likely need some sort of external help. He needs to do something like get into rehab and then maintain some sort of ongoing therapy like AA. See if you have a local AlAnon meeting you can attend. That's a support group for people who have an alcoholic in their life. It will help you learn what it takes to recover and help you deal with all this no matter what happens.

It's totally understandable you want to help and work through this, but don't make it your life's mission. If he doesn't want to get better, then don't waste your life trying to get him to see the light.


----------



## BluesPower

Let me just say this... 

I had things like you have going on, I thought that the world would stop if I did not hold it together. 

I should have left my wife 15 years at least before it did. I wasted at least 15 years of my life for no reason. What because I thought I could save the world... 

Got some news about that, you can't, no one can. 

Further, what you will find out after you leave is that you are actually doing more damage to him by enabling him and helping him through his life, than you would be if you just left. 

Please don't do what I did. I barely survived. Literally, it all most killed me. Get out now...


----------



## Spicy

Thank you for the honest answer. In my own way, I understand what you mean about not being sure.

You are someone that has taken your vows seriously, and tried to help him. When they won’t help themselves, eventually you hit a wall.

The more we understand you and your situation, the better advice we can give. I’m not someone who has any experience with substance abuse in a relationship, so I won’t have a ton more to add. 

I do have a GF whose husband sounds similar to yours. His longest period of success was when he actually checked into a full blown rehab. If memory serves, it was about a month he was away. This was hard because of work, kids, family, but everyone made the sacrifices and they had the best part of their marriage/kids childhood after that. Maybe that could be something you suggest or even use as an ultimatum.

I’m very sorry you find yourself here. I feel bad for him too, I imagine it would be very awful to be addicted to something that is ruining your life and relationships. Cyber hugs from me!!!!


----------



## jojo2020

To answer * hubbyintrubby * question-


I have asked myself this question a million times over the years... I wish the answer was as easy as just typing it! &#55357;&#56866; 

Thank you though; I def need to be reminded that I am facing this from all directions.


----------



## Spicy

Also, under “Focused Topics” there is a forum here on TAM for “Addictions and relationships”. 

It may be helpful for you to read (and perhaps post) in there too.


----------



## Prodigal

jojo2020 said:


> Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles.


Why are you looking for the bottles? What does that solve? I hope you will begin to realize that it's an exercise in futility. Alcoholics are very creative in finding ways to drink - no matter how many bottles you find.



jojo2020 said:


> Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage? Its consuming my everthing


I was married to two alcoholics. Both are now dead. Perhaps you should realize you are becoming as sick as the alcoholic. Nobody should be "consuming" you. That's your decision and nobody else's.

Feel free to ask me any questions. I've lived through it all. BTW, you should be attending Al-Anon to gain the tools to take your focus off the drunk.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@jojo2020, you would be very wise to listen to @Prodigal, she can be a very valuable resource for you.


----------



## jojo2020

Prodigal said:


> Why are you looking for the bottles? What does that solve? I hope you will begin to realize that it's an exercise in futility. Alcoholics are very creative in finding ways to drink - no matter how many bottles you find.
> 
> I was married to two alcoholics. Both are now dead. Perhaps you should realize you are becoming as sick as the alcoholic. Nobody should be "consuming" you. That's your decision and nobody else's.
> 
> Feel free to ask me any questions. I've lived through it all. BTW, you should be attending Al-Anon to gain the tools to take your focus off the drunk.


Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY! It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart. NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND! I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels. Again, this is my first .. I ve never dealt with an alcoholic but I do drink (sociability when I am with other drinkers) I don’t judge and I am very open minded. All these questions are the same I continue to ask my self; please know that I am not turning here for someone to make that decision for me. Just some neutral insight and maybe others who have gone through some of this and seen the other end is all I am hoping for. 

Just in the last 20 hrs here, I have read some true honest and helpful advice that I will continue to take and keep with me as I start towards this journey of TAKING BACK MY LIFE


----------



## Prodigal

jojo2020 said:


> Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY!


Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable.

Think about that. You aren't managing your life very well. You certainly aren't going to succeed at trying to manage his. Getting overly-involved in an addict's life is the hallmark of codependency. For your own sanity, get back on your side of the street. Respect his right to drink. 



jojo2020 said:


> It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart.


It tears you apart because you allow it to do so. I started attending Al-Anon in 1996. It is amazing to see the peace of mind people acquire when they step away from the addict. 



jojo2020 said:


> NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND! I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels.


Yeah, you are spinning your wheels. You're also driving yourself nuts. NOBODY can "lend a hand" in getting an alcoholic sober. Nobody. Both of my husbands were found dead. They succumbed to alcoholism. I respected their right to make their own decisions, no matter the consequences. Look at the fact that he hides bottles. He doesn't want to quit drinking. Wanna get an alcoholic really mad? Stick your nose in their addiction. They will protect it to the death. Sadly, many do. 

I'd suggest you give Al-Anon a try. It's suggested you try six different meetings. I'd also suggest you check out the Sober Recovery forums. There is a particular discussion board on that site called "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Those of us who are recovering from exposure to alcoholism need to find experience, strength, and hope from others who have walked the same path.

And P.S. - There is no such thing as a "functioning" alcoholic. Trust me, their ability to function goes downhill as time goes by. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I watched what it does.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jojo2020 said:


> I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death....


Ah, here lies part of the problem. Its not your decision whether or not he drinks himself to death, its HIS. Please stop thinking you have any control over what he does, because you dont, and if he wants to drink himself to death, it really isnt your business. I know it doesnt make logical sense. You and your feelings are of no concern to him. But you can make the choice to no longer be a witness or a participant to his self destruction.


----------



## BluesPower

> I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death....





3Xnocharm said:


> Ah, here lies part of the problem. Its not your decision whether or not he drinks himself to death, its HIS. Please stop thinking you have any control over what he does, because you dont, and if he wants to drink himself to death, it really isnt your business. I know it doesnt make logical sense. You and your feelings are of no concern to him. But you can make the choice to no longer be a witness or a participant to his self destruction.


Yeah, listen to 3x... 

I did what you are doing, until I had a stroke... Then for the first time in years, I had clarity... Also, after the stroke, she got 2 Dui's in to weeks. Or was that before? I don't remember.

However, laying in the hospital bed I realized, if I keep doing this I am going to die.

That will wake you up. That was the beginning of me starting to live a healthier life, for me and my happiness. 

And you know what if she OD's for some reason that is not my fault, it is not my responsibility. I will comfort my kids as best I can, but that is about it.


----------



## jojo2020

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, listen to 3x... .
> 
> That will wake you up. That was the beginning of me starting to live a healthier life, for me and my happiness.
> 
> And you know what if she OD's for some reason that is not my fault, it is not my responsibility. I will comfort my kids as best I can, but that is about it.


i was somehow praying that it wouldn’t ever have to come to that! The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!


----------



## BluesPower

jojo2020 said:


> i was somehow praying that it wouldn’t ever have to come to that! The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!


Now I think you might be getting it. It will take a while to really get it but you have to start somewhere...

Let me tell you this part of the story. When my fiancé moved in, and of course we had to deep clean and throw away a ton of stuff... 

My F brought me 5 bottles of pills that she had hidden. 5 different times, from 5 different rooms... I think that really sunk in with me at that moment, she never would have changed, ever. I tried it all, rationing her meds so she would not abuse them, the whole gambit, until I realized how crazy that was. 

The good thing was F actually had a glimpse of the hell I had been through so I guess it is good that she found them.

It never would have mattered what I did, she was a addict and was going to stay that way.

Being out of that marriage is the best thing I have ever done. I cannot believe I stayed so long in the first place...


----------



## MattMatt

Someone I knew.

Yeah, highly qualified professional, very, very lucrative field. Wealthy, nice properties, boats, various vehicles, family.

He drank himself to death by age 52.


----------



## Prodigal

jojo2020 said:


> The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!


I realize how painful this is. The person you love starts slowly slipping away. It is a tragedy. To this day, I still have moments of such a strong sense of loss it overwhelms me. My husband was a highly educated, meritoriously decorated Army officer. Brilliant man. Kind, thoughtful, gentle. And then the alcohol took over. 

I had to go into the apartment where he lived the final nine weeks before he died. The very first thing that struck me was, "There was no humanness left in the man." His body died from acute alcoholism, but his soul had died long before. What I saw was shocking and downright gruesome. That is why I left him five years before he died. I could no longer watch him destroy himself.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. You will become as crazy and sick as the addict if you stay. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the reality of addiction.


----------



## Openminded

You can’t fix him. Only he can do that and he doesn’t want to. What does that tell you about your future life with him?


----------



## EleGirl

jojo2020 said:


> Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY! It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart. NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND!* I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels.* Again, this is my first .. I ve never dealt with an alcoholic but I do drink (sociability when I am with other drinkers) I don’t judge and I am very open minded. All these questions are the same I continue to ask my self; please know that I am not turning here for someone to make that decision for me. Just some neutral insight and maybe others who have gone through some of this and seen the other end is all I am hoping for.
> 
> Just in the last 20 hrs here, I have read some true honest and helpful advice that I will continue to take and keep with me as I start towards this journey of TAKING BACK MY LIFE


If this (the underlined part) is your stance on this situation, then you need to step back and let him basically hit rock bottom all on his own. What I mean by that, you are enabling him. You think that you are not, but I can see it in what you write. Enabling does not mean that you help him drink to much. It means that you make it easer for him to continue. You are his strength and his buffer from reality.

You need support and you need to learn a new way of dealing with him and his addiction. Someone here suggested that you attend Al-Anon meetings. I also highly suggest this because you will get the support that you need and you will learn what you need to do.

I also suggest that you get the book *Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie. This author has other books on the topic, but this is her original book and the first one to read.

If there is any chance that he will fix himself, it will only happen once you stop holding him together.


----------



## SunCMars

The alcohol is his wife.
The alcohol is his friend.
The alcohol is his confessor.

At the end, the alcohol will be his undertaker.

Take that to the bank.

It will kill his liver.
It will kill his heart.
It will give him cancer, long before St. Peter calls his name.

You can wait to bury him or you can leave your card, telling him you will see him off at the end.

Oh gosh, and not while he yet lives, and slowly, pitifully dies.


----------



## sunsetmist

Wow, everyone has given you such great and eye-opening advice. But you, all of your life, have been strong, persistent, caring. Now we are telling you that all the energy you have will not fix him. He is not likely to do so, but he will not get the chance as long as you keep enabling.

It will be difficult to 'let go'--you just don't do that. BTW: you really no longer have a marriage--it has become more a game of 'Hide and Seek' mixed with 'To tell the Truth'. Let go of the guilt underlying your hesitation now that you better understand. I am so sorry.


----------



## jojo2020

EleGirl said:


> If this (the underlined part) is your stance on this situation, then you need to step back and let him basically hit rock bottom all on his own. What I mean by that, you are enabling him. You think that you are not, but I can see it in what you write. Enabling does not mean that you help him drink to much. It means that you make it easer for him to continue. You are his strength and his buffer from reality.
> 
> You need support and you need to learn a new way of dealing with him and his addiction. Someone here suggested that you attend Al-Anon meetings. I also highly suggest this because you will get the support that you need and you will learn what you need to do.
> .
> 
> If there is any chance that he will fix himself, it will only happen once you stop holding him together.


I went and got that book as soon as I got off of work last night. I also searched a few pod cast to listen to while I’m unable to read. Love over addition seems to be quite resourceful. I am noting tip from everyone as a daily reminder, I’m also journaling, I ve on and off journaled for many years. Last night was my first night working on NOT focusing on HIM and his drinking and more on myself and the first day of the rest of whatever my life will become but read everyone’s advice, it sums up to one thing, I NEED TO GET A GRIP ON THE REALITY OF THIS and I think the best way that is going to happen will be by getting ahold of myself. 
I have lost completely the person I once was


----------



## wilson

jojo2020 said:


> Last night was my first night working on NOT focusing on HIM and his drinking and more on myself and the first day of the rest of whatever my life will become but read everyone’s advice, it sums up to one thing, I NEED TO GET A GRIP ON THE REALITY OF THIS and I think the best way that is going to happen will be by getting ahold of myself.
> I have lost completely the person I once was


It's funny, but it almost seems like the way you're expressing things is as if you have something like an addiction. So in the the way an alcoholic might describe how compulsive drinking is to them, the way you talk about dealing with your H and his problem is similar. Try to be aware of that as you go forward. You need to take steps to distance yourself from the situation so your mind can be clear. The more you get involved and the closer to it you are, the stronger its effect will be and the easier it will be to get pulled down. In the same way that an alcoholic may have to stay away from bars to avoid temptation, you may need to disconnect from your H.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Just be aware AA isn't the only option. Do your own research, use what's helpful, discard the rest 

Some groups say you "HAVE TO DO" this, that, but take what helps only, and don't be afraid of remaining your own person when reaching out to friends and/or groups.

The one thing that may be a good first step, it's up to you, is imagine the "what if" scenario of are you able emotionally and financially to stand on your own two feet if you had to.

A person that is individually solid makes the best partner, so that would actually benefit you both. 

Food for thought. Remember, you can do this.


----------



## SunCMars

Leave the man, but do not hate him.

He is now a shell of a man, a wisp, a whiff of the past.

When very young, I saw what alcohol can do to the ones you love.

Alcohol robs a person of their humanity and turns them into a fleshy and helpless alcohol converter.

At some point of no-return, they need to be institutionalized to get the monkey off their back.

Believe me, there is no going cold turkey at that point, the drink is stronger than the strongest will.

The strong willed, will try, and the will.....it simply cannot win on its own.

Sorry for your situation.


----------



## jojo2020

wilson said:


> It's funny, but it almost seems like the way you're expressing things is as if you have something like an addiction. So in the the way an alcoholic might describe how compulsive drinking is to them, the way you talk about dealing with your H and his problem is similar. Try to be aware of that as you go forward. You need to take steps to distance yourself from the situation so your mind can be clear. The more you get involved and the closer to it you are, the stronger its effect will be and the easier it will be to get pulled down. In the same way that an alcoholic may have to stay away from bars to avoid temptation, you may need to disconnect from your H.


IT ISNT FUNNY! It is an addiction. I am working full time, trying to stay 100% focused as my job requires my full attention. Without letting anyone there know my personal life, it take the rest of my attention. I do worry all of the time. Again, this is all very new to me and is ALL sort of addiction based! This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I have been doing the only thing I have known how and as I try to move in another direction, I am trying to figure out how to put it all into place and live a somewhat normal life.


----------



## EleGirl

jojo2020 said:


> IT ISNT FUNNY! It is an addiction. I am working full time, trying to stay 100% focused as my job requires my full attention. Without letting anyone there know my personal life, it take the rest of my attention. I do worry all of the time. Again, this is all very new to me and is ALL sort of addiction based! This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I have been doing the only thing I have known how and as I try to move in another direction, I am trying to figure out how to put it all into place and live a somewhat normal life.


This is what codependency does. The need to hold things together becomes more important than own needs. Keeping his addiction from destroying everything leads to focusing on his needs and ignoring your own needs.

It's like you are trying to hold the world together. And the harder you work to hold it together, the more it crumbles around you. This is what addicts do, they suck the life out of those who are around them.


----------



## jojo2020

EleGirl said:


> This is what codependency does. The need to hold things together becomes more important than own needs. Keeping his addiction from destroying everything leads to focusing on his needs and ignoring your own needs.
> 
> It's like you are trying to hold the world together. And the harder you work to hold it together, the more it crumbles around you. This is what addicts do, they suck the life out of those who are around them.


This pretty much sums it up. It’s what it has all become. I can’t tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened, but this is where we are now! He thinks I’m crazy for even “wasting” so much time worrying about his drinking. He says “he is fine and he likes life the way it is” however, he has CONSTANT anger in every word, every look and says he doesn’t like where he is in life right now and ITS ALL MY FAULT! He can’t even have fun anymore around me bc I’m always watching him.... I DO ALWAYS WATCH, we have no couple friends, we do nothing together. The only ones we get together with is HIS family and they know but it’s kept quiet and they don’t “SPARK THE BEAST”!
I on the other hand, will.... but never in front of others! So he basically doesn’t like that i address when it becomes a problem and they start talking behind his back


----------



## BluesPower

jojo2020 said:


> This pretty much sums it up. It’s what it has all become. I can’t tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened, but this is where we are now! He thinks I’m crazy for even “wasting” so much time worrying about his drinking. He says “he is fine and he likes life the way it is” however, he has CONSTANT anger in every word, every look and says he doesn’t like where he is in life right now and ITS ALL MY FAULT! He can’t even have fun anymore around me bc I’m always watching him.... I DO ALWAYS WATCH, we have no couple friends, we do nothing together. The only ones we get together with is HIS family and they know but it’s kept quiet and they don’t “SPARK THE BEAST”!
> I on the other hand, will.... but never in front of others! So he basically doesn’t like that i address when it becomes a problem and they start talking behind his back


I can "tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened", it happens to all of us the same way. 

It is the frog in the pot of water example. When you slowly turn up the heat the frog does not notice. So over time the frog boils to death and dies. 

That is how this stuff happens. It is insidious. It happens so gradually the we don't notice, and one day we wake up and realize the insanity that we are living in. 

I still can't believe how I was thinking at the time. It is a form of abuse, some of it self inflicted, but not all. 

The lucky ones at some point gain some clarity and realize they have to get out of the situation...


----------



## Uriel

Jojo…

I feel for you, and am sorrowful your dreams seem like they are crumbing apart. They are, and you have no control…any & all control measures you put into place…it just slides down deeper. You see…you are enabling his behavior. There is a difference between permissive will and perfect will. None of this fate is your fault…he makes the decision himself to lift the glass and press it against his lips. 

You call him the alcoholic, but nothing and I mean nothing will begin to change until “He” calls himself an alcoholic. Then and only then can something happen. Again at this point it becomes his decision if he wants to do something about it.

My recommendation…and it’s just a suggestion, NoMore NoLess. Buy the “Big Book” of alcoholics anonymous (AA). I suggest you purchase this book locally at place where they have AA meetings, also pick up a schedule of meetings. You can find these places by doing a web search, asking a clergy, even police officers know something and locations. 
*Now…if you like for a reason of understanding…read the first 164 pages. Then press forward with faith (not Hope yet). Go and see an attorney about separation/divorce grab one of his business cards 
*Now…sit down with your husband. Give him the Book, meeting schedule, and hand him the attorney’s card AND tell him you can no longer go on living like this.
*Then get your butt to an Al anon meeting, or a spiritual women’s group within your local community. 

It seems you have three options:
1.	Keep going the way are, accept it and keep supporting it…do nothing, blog about, post about, etc…
2.	Ignore it, for the sake of your sanity 
3.	Give my suggestion a try…even half ass’ly to start, you don’t have to follow it verbatim…but a will-ness to try my suggestion.

Good Luck and God Bless


----------

