# Quick question, need some advice



## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I shared my story once before. Quick recap. She had an admitted EA/PA (admitted to a kiss and we know what that means). I rug swept it. It happened 10 years ago. I've struggled with my feelings/thoughts ever since. Reading TAM for three months I've finally processed my feelings and established a realistic timeline of events. 

I just handwrote a 6 page letter explaining my emotions, telling her what I thought the timeline was. I also shared with her the actions I wished I had taken on D day. I did say if she had taken a polygraph I feel 100% confident she would have failed. I told her I know she trickle trothed me. I explained the affair fog and why I thought some of her attacks against me were unjustified. 

I tried to express that I wasn't attacking her but I wanted to get this off my chest. 

My question is, should I give it to her? I think there will be some negative reactions (obviously). 

I get home in 3 hours. I would love to hear what some of you think. 

thanks in advance.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

10 years?


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

davecarter said:


> 10 years?


I know...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Give it to her. Then go out by yourself and get a pizza and beer.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Probably felt good to write it out. I don't know about you, I've wrote things out just to get them out of my head. Whether you do or do not give her the letter you may need to visit an IC. You didn't say you did. The time frame... while fresh in your head, may give her a blow. If you did rug sweep it and you feel she may be a repeat offender.. that's another thing. Let us know what you do.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If you can wait 10 years surly you can plan this a bit more.

It looks like you want to do a one and done, I don't know your story (it kind of rings a quite bell somewhere) or your marriage but I do not think you will accomplish what you want, especially if you are hoping for her to "get it".

You put time and effort and emotion into the letter, but have you ever done the 180, have you used some of the helps that are recommended here, gone to IC.

You can have more influence if you time it well with a multi-prong approach. (Maybe you have that IDK but it sounds like you are just being passive aggressive, 10 years passive and 10 minutes aggressive.

I wish you well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So what's bringing this to a head now? Why have you picked now to do this?

It sounds to me like neither of you did what you needed to in order to truly heal from what she did. And now you, as the BS, are paying the consequences.

If you really need her to take ownership of what she did in order for you to continue in the marriage, then give it to her. I would suggest doing so in MC though. Because you'll need that too.

If what she does will not affect your future with her, then don't give it to her.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Perhaps leave it somewhere inaccessible, and then tell her you have written a five-page letter outlining your feelings and such? Then she has time to process the situation And you work toward where you either give it to her, read it to her, tell her about it, rip it up?
It seems to have done you some good, so maybe you can consolidate your gains while determining what to do next.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Give it to her. Then go out by yourself and get a pizza and beer.


So many of us here are cowed by our waywards. Because they are abusive in a number of ways and we are not weak, just not equipped for abuse or even understanding where it comes from. Send it. Get the pizza and beer. Let the chips fall.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

This is awesome advice. I truly truly appreciate it. I guess now that the emotional release of writing it has passed I see the wisdom of sitting on this awhile. 

I tried IC and MC but I was so embarrassed I had trouble admitting what happened and how I felt about it. I just kinda set there in IC shootin' the breeze about work and my parents etc...pretty much everything but what happened. 

There isn't anything going on. I just have some triggers sometimes. Today she stopped by work to say hi. She was on the way to do some Christmas shopping. She looked so gorgeous and instead of being thankful for that I was reminded how she used to doll up when she was involved with him. 

It probably sounds stupid. 

I have been very direct with her many times...probably too many times. She hasn't changed her story once. But there are just some things that don't make sense. After reading other's stories here I kinda feel like I've filled in some details that I was missing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JadedHusband said:


> I shared my story once before. Quick recap. She had an admitted EA/PA (admitted to a kiss and we know what that means). I rug swept it. It happened 10 years ago. I've struggled with my feelings/thoughts ever since. Reading TAM for three months I've finally processed my feelings and established a realistic timeline of events.
> 
> I just handwrote a 6 page letter explaining my emotions, telling her what I thought the timeline was. I also shared with her the actions I wished I had taken on D day. I did say if she had taken a polygraph I feel 100% confident she would have failed. I told her I know she trickle trothed me. I explained the affair fog and why I thought some of her attacks against me were unjustified.
> 
> ...


Talk to her, explain it to her, then give it to her. But stay calm and loving when you do this.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I am sorry, Jaded, for what you have been through. And what it seems you will continue to endure. I understand and understand some of the reasons for eating sh*t sandwiches day after day. With a smile on your face. But how much worse could it get? You are clearly very unhappy with your marriage. Just the post above makes that plain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JadedHusband said:


> I know...


I can well believe ten years.

After all, I came looking for TAM 15 years after my wife's affair.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I just spoke to her on the phone. She was a bit secretive about where she was going today. I told her that coupled with how she was dressed up made me feel a bit insecure. She apologized profusely and said she understood. She asked if I really wanted to know exactly where she went. I said yes. She said she went to Guitar Center to get something I had be asking for lol

That's my trouble with this woman. She is really really great and very sweet and thoughtful. It's just that this horrible ugly thing happened when we were younger and dumber. This woman I have today isn't the one who did that. But she was never able to own up to exactly what she did. 

It's hard to know how to feel sometimes. Most guys would be so grateful for a wife the way she is now. But some guys would still hurt for how she was then when she was 18.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I will feel like a total tool if I lay all this in front of her and see her start crying and hating herself. But my feelings about these things haven't gone away. TAM has helped me express these feelings to myself and part of me whats to express them to her


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JadedHusband said:


> I will feel like a total tool if I lay all this in front of her and see her start crying and hating herself. But my feelings about these things haven't gone away. TAM has helped me express these feelings to myself and part of me whats to express them to her


She may well feel really sick to know her affair is still troubling you.

But if it is, she needs to know.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> She may well feel really sick to know her affair is still troubling you.
> 
> But if it is, she needs to know.


Yes, she needs to know. But it sounds like she deserves a safe atmosphere in which to process it--no accusation or recrimination, just your feelings that there is unfinished business to complete.

I agree with MattMatt--ten years doesn't always seem like a lot of time.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Are you prepared(emotionally)for full disclosure? It's one thing to imagine what happened, than to actually hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Please sit down with her and have your talk. 

Try to be calm and see if you can work together on your marriage.

Do you have kids at home? If you do, try not to have the discussion in front of them.

Try reading some books together, not just friends, for a start.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

It helps to know a few more details like you have shared.

Please have a clear purpose in mind and think it through, "How best to get there".

I think your embarrassment is misplaced, I want to be with a woman I can respect, but her actions speak of her (at that time) not you I hope you will no longer let that influence you.

Many men feel ashamed to stay with a cheater, here again the focus for validation may from others, it's your life do what is best for you and your happiness.

There has been a lot of good points made so far.



Philat said:


> Yes, she needs to know. But it sounds like she deserves a safe atmosphere in which to process it--no accusation or recrimination, just your feelings that there is unfinished business to complete.


I love the spirit of this post, and the advice is spot on.

It sounds like you need to go back to IC and do some real work on yourself (You need this for yourself mostly, to learn to cope with confrontation, being a people pleasure, just fear in general.), this will make a great difference in your marriage, and make you that much more irreplaceable to you partner.

Would full disclosure change your wife? Obviously IC/MC may be important afterward.

This may seem a bit esoteric, but failure can produce genuine change and character. If a person owns it and allows the shame and guilt to bring them to a place where they can see themselves objectively. If a person is acting out of a sense of guilt that is not healthy. It's best if they are acting out of a new maturity they have gained from the realizations that come from owning it.

I think it is possible your wife is acting out of maturity she has gained, we are all a mixture of self interest, needs, and hopefully some virtue (To thine own self be true).


Does she need to own it more? I don't know for herself, but it sounds like you need her to.

Some men can live without all the details and even all the truth if the relationship is worth it and moving in the right direction.

I cannot say what is best for any man, (obviously) but it is up to you to decide what you can live with.

Multi prong
1. Work on yourself, show genuine progress, be irreplaceable, it will make your pain more real to her.
( I have seen it here more than once, as a BS betters themselves and becomes a better partner, their remorseful WS's regret and pain regarding their infidelity intensifies significantly.)

2. Share for the right reasons, in the right time, and at the right place.

3. Be clear about you purpose and reassure her, that she is helping you heal.

4. Maybe do it with a third party present. (MC?)

Have you ever seen the Document that Chaparral posts for a wayward spouse to read?

It may be in the newbie thread.

Think it through you do not want to generate doubt or a feeling of hopelessness. (Will we/We will... never recover from this?/!)

This can be done and if you need it you deserve it.

Take care!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

You see this is such a good example of how wrong this goes 

Everything you are doing here is lead 

by fear FEAR

Fear of what exactly ?

She will get up 
"I've had enough of your questions" 
"you still don't trust me" 
"you've never been happy with my answers "
etc etc 

And what are you afraid of - fear she will leave you ?

Well for one I think if she did that you'd find there's a lot more she has hidden ? 
If she gets angry - the same 

Look at this - she's meant to love and cherish you

IF she does she will understand this instantly. If she understands YOU she will also realize unless you talk this through properly and calmly it will never go away, so* if she has nothing to hide from you* be it ten years or ten days is irrelevant, then she should be happy to sit down and answer your questions - any of them

...without you fearing anything. 

If she has respect for you this should not be a fearful thing for her to do 

You've mentally got yourself into the wrong place for this for justifiable reasons - you need to re asses this point and confidently speak to her


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jaded

There is a time and a place for everything in life.

Now is the time. You pick the place.

Give her the letter. Let her read it.

Preface that the letter is not to hurt her about the past but to let her know the past is still hurting you.

If she loves you like it sounds it does she will understand and comfort you or maybe shed more light if that is what you want.

But you have a part in this too......

Because you are opening up a ten year old can of worms. It will take both of you to close it and be happy.


HM


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Waywards, I am convinced, never realize and don't intend the pain they dish out unless the exact same thing happens to them. Hopefully, that doesn't even happen to them. Here is the post our friend Decorum was referring to I think. Read it together and see if there is some help from it to be had.

_ Wayward Spouse Instructions

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! _


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

JadedHusband said:


> I just spoke to her on the phone. She was a bit secretive about where she was going today. I told her that coupled with how she was dressed up made me feel a bit insecure. She apologized profusely and said she understood. She asked if I really wanted to know exactly where she went. I said yes. She said she went to Guitar Center to get something I had be asking for lol
> 
> That's my trouble with this woman. She is really really great and very sweet and thoughtful. It's just that this horrible ugly thing happened when we were younger and dumber. This woman I have today isn't the one who did that. But she was never able to own up to exactly what she did.
> 
> It's hard to know how to feel sometimes. *Most guys would be so grateful for a wife the way she is now. But some guys would still hurt for how she was then when she was 18.*


Dear JadedHusband,

I've read both of your threads and, frankly, my entire view of your situation changed when I read the *bolded sentences* above.

Generally, I am of the view that the BS should press for as many details as he or she wishes to know. However, in your case, your FWW was only 18 years old when she cheated on you. Not that that excuses what she did but, in my experience (and I've raised four children to adulthood), most people change and mature considerably from their late teens to late twenties. She is not the person she was then and, based on everything you've told us about her, today, she is a good wife and mother.

I was only 22 when I got married. My wife was only 19. I never even came close to cheating on her and have no reason to believe that she was ever less than totally faithful. However, when I think about some of the selfish and stupid ways I behaved in the early years of our marriage, I cringe. Fortunately for me, she put up with me with nary a complaint while I managed -- somehow -- to grow into a responsible adult, build a career, become a good provider, learn to be father and start to treat her the way she always deserved to be treated.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you seem to have a gem of a wife now, someone worth keeping. You need to find a way -- as my wife did with me -- to get over the indiscretions of youth so that you can love and appreciate her now and, in turn, be the kind of man that she can love and appreciate. If you can do this, based on my experience, you have many wonderful years to look forward to.

I don't have any concrete suggestions for how to do this but, maybe, reflecting on how both you and she have changed these past ten years -- who she was then and who she is now, and who you were then and who you are now -- will help.

Wishing you and your family all the best.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

I dislike the letter thing.

My suggestion is that you tell her exactly how you feel. Including that you are grateful to be with her and that you really don't want to bring up the past to hurt or shame her. Just tell her you need her to take a polygraph for you to move past this and then knock it out.

Even if you do this big confrontation with a 6-page letter, there is a 99% chance she will stick with her story and you will be no better off than when you didn't believe her yesterday.

Do the poly and accept the results as conclusive. If she is completely willing or even happy to take the poly then you likely have your answer right there. If she is remorseful and apologetic and then shifts into attack mode as soon as you bring up the poly, then it likely points the other way.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> I just spoke to her on the phone. She was a bit secretive about where she was going today. I told her that coupled with how she was dressed up made me feel a bit insecure. She apologized profusely and said she understood. She asked if I really wanted to know exactly where she went. I said yes. She said she went to Guitar Center to get something I had be asking for lol
> 
> That's my trouble with this woman. She is really really great and very sweet and thoughtful. It's just that this horrible ugly thing happened when we were younger and dumber. * This woman I have today isn't the one who did that. But she was never able to own up to exactly what she did. *
> 
> It's hard to know how to feel sometimes. Most guys would be so grateful for a wife the way she is now. But some guys would still hurt for how she was then when she was 18.


I am sorry as I know you have told yourself this a million times. You want it to be a true statement and want to believe in her more than anything, but the truth is if you truly believed the words, the fear would have subsided. So start back in therapy and get back to dealing with how you feel truly, not the words you throw out to portray how you think you "should" feel.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Just how long do you want to wait for that other shoe to drop?


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

JH,
I understand 100% what you are going threw.It took me 14 years
to understand the triggers and have the talk with my wife.All I can say is that you will feel a lot better and also your spouse will too.I like very much the idea of the letter,wish i had thought of that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the thing Dawg. You have nothing to gain from this quest. If she says again she "only" kissed him, you're not going to believe it. If she says, yes we slept together one time, you're going to feel worse and still wonder if it were more. You probably feel as good right now as youre ever going to feel about it. Anything else is downhill from where you are. (unless she says she concocted the whole thing to make you jealous and you wouldn't believe that. 
Accept the fact that you knew there was an indiscretion on her part, you chose to stay in spite of it and with the knowledge there could be more than what was disclosed, apparently she chose to stay with you and not dump you for the other guy, and most important, you ain't going anywhere no matter what happened. So unless you're really planning on taking the road of a life altering event if you discover it went further than a kiss, why keep digging up bones. If she hasn't continued her activities, you should consider yourself luckier than 90% of the guys who believe they're reconciled.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Let me ask you a couple of questions. Do you think she had sex with the OM? If you knew that she did, would you leave divorce her? 

What cheating spouse says to most of us does not mean crap, they lie, lie and then lie some more. That is what liars and cheats do. Your wife appears to have been remorseful and has been faithful for ten years. That is a pretty good performance record right there. While it was her fault that you got into this mess, so can't change you, these feelings are yours alone. I would suggest that you consider counseling to help you to move on with your life.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Round 1 did not go well. 

She noticed me using this site and asked why. I have a BS reason and left it at that. Yesterday she made a reference to it that suggested I was looking to have an affair. 

Today told her this place for me is a group of people I can tell my problems/thoughts to bc they understand.

A conversation started. She dodged around the known mine fields. Finally it came down to why I was still bothered about it? What did I want to know? "The truth" I said. She said "I will never know the truth because you haven't accepted it yet after all this time. 

She had an appointment with her mom so she will be back in an hour. 

It will be hard to not say "just forget it..."


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You are stuck in an unhealthy way of dealing and she will keep you there if you "just forget it". You shouldn't have to force her and after a decade you should be able to feel comfortable that she is faithful and understands the damage she did to your relationship.

Sorry you are struggling but this won't go away for a reason. Either she has answers that will help you go forward in a healthier way or you have to decide if you can keep living like this. But try dealing with it head on. You've tried the other way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The deal is she's damned if she did and damed if she didn't. Is this just a matter of you lacking confidence that you are the better man.

If she really did just kiss the guy, she probably thinks this isn't anywhere near the big deal you think it is. That also is going to make her wonder what the deal is that you can't get over it. This isn't good for her respect for you, makes you look weak.

You said her story hasn't changed in all these years. That doesn't follow the cheater script. Cheaters can't keep their story straight as a rule.


It looks to me that you only have two choices besides divorce. Get her to take a polygraph, which may be inaccurate and screw everything up. Or get counseling for yourself to help you get through this.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I think the consoling is probably the direction I should go. Yesterday I started looking around for some help. 

When I said back then I should have had her take a poly and I'm certain she would have failed it. She acted like I was asking her to take one now and I said that wasn't what I meant. 

I just mentioned that it is something I wish I would have done and then our reconciliation would be based on the truth instead of lies we agree too. 

There is another situation before we got married where she says an employee of her boss tried to sexually attack her. Now that I disbelieve her other story I wanted to ask her more about this. 

As of right now she's barely talkin' to me lol

I'm not going to go in there and get in a "fight". I will just withdrawl and wait for her to come around. She will...she can never handle silence long during a conflict.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quotes of jadedHusband
> My question is, should I give it to her? I think there will be some negative reactions (obviously).


I read this thread just today and too late for my answer to be considered. *I would have told you to NOT give it to her and then keep your mouth shut about you not trusting her 10 years ago!!! *

It is obvious that you do not trust her now after 10 years of being faithful. Your living in the past and your motivation to tell her how you do not trust her has the possibility of hurting her motivation to be true to you.


> Quotes of jadedHusband
> I did say if she had taken a polygraph I feel 100% confident she would have failed. I told her I know she trickle trothed me.
> 
> She looked so gorgeous and instead of being thankful for that I was reminded how she used to doll up when she was involved with him
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

1812overture said:


> Perhaps leave it somewhere inaccessible, and then tell her you have written a five-page letter outlining your feelings and such?


Why would he tell her that he's written a 5 page letter when he wrote a 6 page letter?

I suggest you tell her she's gotta take the polygraph now. 

If she's got nothing to hide she'll jump right at the opportunity to finally put this matter to rest.

If she knows you're on this site, she knows about this thread and it's probably not such a great idea that she's reading everything being posted here. 

But what the heck- to the wife- give the guy a break and take a polygraph and then you can both move on with your lives. Not necessarily together, but forward.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of jadedHusband*
> I tried IC and MC but I was so embarrassed I had trouble admitting what happened and how I felt about it. I just kinda set there in IC shootin' the breeze about work and my parents etc...pretty much everything but what happened.[/QUOTE]
> So because you were not transparent you suppose that your wife is not transparent. Makes sense but also tells me that you have a problem facing some issues for some reason.
> 
> ...


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Jaded

The problem in your M is communication. You need to be able to talk with her. Stop putting it off and get it done. This is why things are the way they are after 10 years.

Open up to her and ask for her help. Tell her you need the truth>


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Everything makes sense that you all are saying. Im gonna let us both sleep on what happened today. Shes in defense mode and I just rly want to talk. I want her to know the things that I doubt. And see if she offers anything helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Li forgot to mention she went into full counterattack. She said "you're still feel Bad over that but what about all the times you lied in my face?"

I dont know where this is coming from but I guess I will soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Tell her you can talk about those too. So I guess this means that she lied to you.

Get your answers or move on.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

you're getting different points of view on your thread, and you'lljust have to sort through them. My view is that you hold firm with her. Tell her that this IS NOT your problem, it is hers. You don't trust her because she has given you good reason not to. She has to get that straight. 

Tell her You think you can forgive her but you need to know what you are forgiving. put the polygraph on the table and keep it there until she agrees to take it or breaks down and gives you more information.

You worry that you might be ruining a great marriage or driving away a great wife. Guess what. Great marriages don't have these kind of trust issues. Great wives don't cheat. This is your "test" of her. The fate of your marriage should depend on how she does.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Don't worry about her feelings. Man up. Say and take what you want. She will cry and say your the "worst ever" and blah, blah. But in the end she will respect you more. You rug swept the first affair, and she probably feels entitled and doesn't' respect you. 

So change that.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> Li forgot to mention she went into full counterattack. She said "you're still feel Bad over that but what about all the times you lied in my face?"
> 
> I dont know where this is coming from but I guess I will soon
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jaded, you will not get over this. She has indirectly admitted to lying here. You have to bluntly say that you did not believe her then and still don't - that you tried to rug sweep it then but NEED the truth now. If she wants to deal with your (alleged) lies then that is a separate matter. 10 years of being a "model" wife (as far as you know) does not fix this especially when they were based on a lie. Add to this your other suspicion (rape allegation - pretty serious stuff) and you will drive yourself crazy. Firmly demand a poly and start preparing yourself to see this through with real consequences (filing for D) if she does not agree!
FWIW this would eat me up alive too.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> And see if she offers anything helpful
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And what would that be Jaded? That she only kissed the guy? That she wanted to sleep with him? That she did sleep with him?
What can she possibly say that's going to help you?
If you cannot be satisfied, why not just divorce her, set yourself free and find someone who mollifies your insecurities. If your wife is gorgeous, sweet, and thoughtful as you say, she will also little have trouble finding someone to fill your shoes.
Just think. Get rid of her and no more struggling with your feelings/thoughts. No more spending time composing letters explaining how your emotions gets the better of you, how you lived with her despite your belief she's lied about how far it went and how you occasionally hate her. 
I can see right now Dawg, you're going to come out of this smelling like a rose. Don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't handle women.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

White lies, and a PA---are like comparing kindergarten to college

She just does not get it---to her its over and done---she says to herself, I am being the good housewife, I am doing the right things---what she does not understand---is that when she cheated she stepped out of the holy circle that is the mge---and in all reality---she can never step back into that circle----she broke that bond, when she allowed another man to take what only YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE----she understands none of this

If she were truly remorseful---she would not argue with you---she would hold you, and try to help you thru your pain----it is 10 yrs---and the pain is still strong---for you, it may never go away-----------for sure it will never go away, unless she gives you the answers you need, to still/quiet down, your sub--conscious.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I can well believe ten years.
> 
> After all, I came looking for TAM 15 years after my wife's affair.


Well, each one to their own I guess.

*Monica Bellucci* could cheat on me / leave me and I'd be over that in a 1/10th of the time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you lied to her? If If so, why? You both need a truth and reconciliation exercise with a good counsellor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> Li forgot to mention she went into full counterattack. She said *"you're still feel Bad over that but what about all the times you lied in my face?"*





manfromlamancha said:


> Jaded, you will not get over this. She has indirectly admitted to lying here.


Yes. I picked that up too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jaded

She hates the silent treatment.

How about being cool, calm and dispassionate as well as silent.

Lets see where that gets you.

Maybe the truth.

Trust your gut.

HM


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Jaded
> 
> She hates the silent treatment.
> 
> ...



Your right. Sucks to have to play games so to speak. I'm a naturally chatty person. When I go silent. People get really uneasy and start babbling. It has been effective in business and personal realationships.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I'm going to go off a different tangent here and I think some of you will blast me for it. 

But I think OP needs to STFU and accept the fact that he blew his opportunity to get real R years ago through his unwillingness to make his WW face the consequences for what she did. Now, all these years later he's crying and moaning about how he has no sense of closure. 

I felt bad for guys in the same boat, guys like S4E, who rug-swept their wives' affairs and are now facing the ramifications of their own inaction. But I'm starting not to feel that way anymore. 

In this case I side with the WW. She has spent the last few years abiding by a marital system of rules that OP silently acquiesced to. He needs to either suck it up and deal with his resentment through IC, or he needs to let her go, file for D and quit punishing her for an offense that, frankly, the statute of limitations ran out on long ago.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

lostviking,
wouldn't you want to know if something you had done years ago to your spouse,was still triggering you.I get the, get over it feeling it's been 10 years and you forgave her,but if it's still there?All he wants is , to get past thoose feelings which he didn't ask for in the first place. Also he did not giving up on her and the M which is much easier than having to deal with the negative feelings all these years.
Op,
just give her time she might be hert that it still bothers you so
dont sweat it to much.She will come to you when she is ready,just 
remind her that you do love her and you didn't tell her this to hurt her.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MyTurn said:


> lostviking,
> wouldn't you want to know if something you had done years ago to your spouse,was still triggering you.I get the, get over it feeling it's been 10 years and you forgave her,but if it's still there?All he wants is , to get past thoose feelings which he didn't ask for in the first place. Also he did not giving up on her and the M which is much easier than having to deal with the negative feelings all these years.
> Op,
> just give her time she might be hert that it still bothers you so
> ...


All the little dubious things she may or may not be doing are being amplified by his built-up resentment and anger. Any little mistake she makes is going to be compounded and multiplied now because he is hyper-vigilant. 

That is a hell of a way for a man to live, and a hell of burden. He needs to either suck it up and live with his choices or he needs to divorce her as fairly and amicably as he can and find a woman he can live with who doesn't rouse his suspicion with every move she makes.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

LostViking said:


> All the little dubious things she may or may not be doing are being amplified by his built-up resentment and anger. Any little mistake she makes is going to be compounded and multiplied now because he is hyper-vigilant.
> 
> That is a hell of a way for a man to live, and a hell of burden. He needs to either suck it up and live with his choices or he needs to divorce her as fairly and amicably as he can and find a woman he can live with who doesn't rouse his suspicion with every move she makes.


In that case I would say divorce her now because this not knowing is going to eat you alive!


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Jaded:

Are you willing to end your marriage/relationship with this woman if she did sleep with the guy? I'm getting the impression you're not willing to walk away .. if that's the case stop reading here.

You strike me as the kind of guy that is afraid of his wife. You need to change that. If you want the truth, then have her do the dam polygraph. DO NOT ADMIT TO HER that these things aren't very accurate. You want her to believe they are accurate in order to get a pre-test confession out of her. Happens quite often.

Understand that taking this approach, she may be so offended that she walks away from you anyway ... which is why I pointed out that you have to be prepared to lose her. I posted this advice as an option (but I doubt you'll use it).


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Update...

This weekend was a bit of a blur. I'll admit that in the evening hours when I withdrew from the family I got more than a little drunk. This is very rare for me. I haven't drank in a couple years. 

The final sum of everything is I am 99% satisfied with the answers I got from my wife. Finally I receive a telling of the "story" that factors out and makes perfect sense. What's odd is there wasn't much else to admit. I think she was just stubborn or relished keeping me in the dark. I asked her why she dragged this out for so long she insisted that she did tell me all those things before. 

This is a common theme of disagreements in our household. Her telling me she told me something when she did not (or maybe I don't remember).

I don't think any lasting damage has been done to our marriage but she will get her pound of flesh from me for dragging all this back out into the light again. 

One thing that did stick a knife in my heart was she started crying and said "after all these years will there ever be anything I can do to make you think more of me than this?". FFS.. I tried to explain to her the concept of triggers. I told her when I don't know what happened my mind movies make things up that are a ton worse than the actual facts.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Thanks for all the encouragement and understanding you all gave me. 

One thing she did admit that was great to hear it she addressed the concept of "affair fog". She said the attention he gave made him seem a lot more interesting and me a lot more dull than warranted. In hindsight she seems him in a worse light than I do and she said she was very unfair to me when I was trying to make things work. 

She just couldn't see it at the time. 

As someone alluded to earlier she was only 18. 

But having to put my healing on hold to rescue the marriage did lasting damage. It's taken 10 years to finally slay this beast and I won't know if I truly did...time will tell


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hopefuly this will put some closure behind you. Just goes to show how infidelity causes so much anquish. Just look at the length of time in this case.

For me, I got the answers I wanted, but the aftermath of the whole betrayal is what I am trying to sort out.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> Thanks for all the encouragement and understanding you all gave me.
> 
> One thing she did admit that was great to hear it she addressed the concept of "affair fog". She said the attention he gave made him seem a lot more interesting and me a lot more dull than warranted. In hindsight she seems him in a worse light than I do and she said she was very unfair to me when I was trying to make things work.
> 
> ...


I think you have enough to heal your soul and move on, enjoy what you have now and start a new romance with your wife!! All the best.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

But at some point you need to put it behind you and move on. It has been years since this happened and you are either going to kill it for good, or you need to D her and move on. 

If I were you I would never mention it again. If you trigger, so be it. Ride it out and keep it to yourself. Work on making yourself the best husband you can be, and stop dogging her every step. It's time to make a decision.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

LostViking said:


> But at some point you need to put it behind you and move on. It has been years since this happened and you are either going to kill it for good, or you need to D her and move on.
> 
> If I were you I would never mention it again. If you trigger, so be it. Ride it out and keep it to yourself. Work on making yourself the best husband you can be, and stop dogging her every step. It's time to make a decision.


Amen.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Amen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By JadedHusband
> “… she started crying and said "after all these years will there ever be anything I can do to make you think more of me than this?".
> 
> In hindsight she seems him in a worse light than I do and she said she was very unfair to me when I was trying to make things work.
> ...


*JadedHusband
Now will you STFU?*





> By JadedHusband
> But having to put my healing on hold to rescue the marriage did lasting damage.


Get yourself stronger so that you do not have to depend on others to open your eyes after 10 years. When you get stronger you might even stop licking your 10 year old wounds and badgering your wife for her 10 year old mistake when she was 18 years old.





> By JadedHusband
> It's taken 10 years to finally slay this beast and I won't know if I truly did...*time will tell*


*JadedHusband, what YOU DO will tell!*


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

LostViking said:


> But at some point you need to put it behind you and move on. It has been years since this happened and you are either going to kill it for good, or you need to D her and move on.
> 
> If I were you I would never mention it again. If you trigger, so be it. Ride it out and keep it to yourself. Work on making yourself the best husband you can be, and stop dogging her every step. It's time to make a decision.


Im satisfied with the resolution. Now that the emotion of the recent conversations has passed we are both glad that it happened we just wished it would have happened sooner and in a more productive fashion. I think she had to be ready to fully revisit something shes trying to unmake and didnt feel secure enough to talk about it. In the end I decided against giving her the letter. That just seemed too passive maybe even cowardly? It did feel good to write it though. Im happy and count myself lucky to be married to her. It may seem odd but the fact that she is so great made what happened so frustrating. It was just so out of place and and an indelible mark on an otherwise healthy marriage. Of course we have our moments where we frustrate each other but are content most of the time. 

I have no plans to ever end my marriage. I would be a fool to. I do think things will be much better. Being able to discuss it without anger as we did when we made up after the initial argument was nice but nothing I plan on doing again. Thanks for all the advice. Aside for a couple remarks it was all very helpful. TAM is a trigger but its also a great place to gain perspective. It helped me process the BS that I had been handling in a very poor manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Writing letters can be very healing. I have had clients do this and in most cases I then have the client tear those letters up. I do believe in your case you did the correct thing.

I am glad you had this talk with your wife and I hope and pray that your healing continues.


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