# Does your husband *not* care about your weight?



## jld

I have read several times here on TAM about husbands who lose attraction for their wives when the wife is over a certain weight. They may not even be able to get erect.

My weight has been up and down over a forty-five or so pound range since I met my husband. Yet his attraction is constant. 

For that matter, my mood never affects his attraction, either. His desire is consistent, regardless of what I say or do.

From what I read here, it looks like a lot of work to try to keep some men happy. Dug keeps himself happy. Good thing, because I would probably give up if it were too hard to please him.

Anybody else out there with a low maintenance husband? Do you like it that way, or would you prefer a challenge?


----------



## Lila

My husband *says* he doesn't care about my weight but I know that he does. I've been heavier and lighter than I am now, and I noticed a drop in his sexual attractiveness to me when I was heavier. 

He knows that I'm never going to look the way I did 20+years ago but I think it helps that I try....I work out and try to watch what I eat. Having said that, if he were to come to me today and tell me that he's lost attraction to me due to my weight, I'd set him free. I'm doing the best that I can at this point in my life. If he needs more, he's going to have to find it with someone else. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## peacem

Mine doesn't care (or so he says) but he encourages me to lose weight for health reasons. I think being a little over weight shouldn't affect attraction either way. But when someone goes from being slim to morbidly obese within marriage I can understand how attraction can be lost. 

I think confidence and making the most of ourselves is sexy. Obesity tells me that someone has just given up.


----------



## Spicy

I know mine cares. He only ever dated certain "types". He knows what he likes...
My XH was very low maintenance in this regard.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

I've weighed 110 my whole adult life. I'm 5' tall so that's a good weight and allows me lots of curves - I'm not 'stick thin.' 

I honestly don't think my body has the capacity to be overweight as I can eat whatever I want and have done so my whole life and have remained the same weight.

My husband has made remarks about worrying that I'll 'gain weight' if I'm eating lots of stuff and I laugh at him because my weight doesn't change no matter what I eat and hasn't for years. 

I honestly think if I somehow did get overweight, he'd try to be diplomatic about it but he wouldn't be overly attracted to me. He'd probably have to drink me pretty. :grin2:

.


----------



## Celes

I've always been about the same weight. I'm petite and slim. But I suspect my husband wouldn't mind if I put on some weight. Before me he had been with women 20-30 pounds heavier. I think he'd only have an issue if I gained a huge amount.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Some men don't care, some men see the bride they married, regardless of weight changes up or down, regardless of age.......i recall looking at my wife when she was pregnant and i she would constantly be telling to back down because i found her so beautiful, and even now in our 50's i find her beautiful, and sexy.


----------



## browser

If a guy wanting his wife or girlfriend to be attractive, and being turned off by a 45 pound weight gain makes him "high maintenance" then you can officially add me to the list.



jld said:


> From what I read here, it looks like a lot of work to try to keep some men happy. Dug keeps himself happy. Good thing, because I would probably give up if it were too hard to please him.


If Dug was turned off by your weight, wouldn't that be somewhat of a motivator to exercise and watch your diet? Seems like there would be numerous advantages- you'd be in a happy relationship, you'd have regular sex, you'd be thin and healthy.. versus being fat, unhealthy, and alone. Consider that if you had to start over again, many if not most guys would not be attracted to a woman who is 45 lbs overweight.


----------



## jld

browser said:


> If a guy wanting his wife or girlfriend to be attractive, and being turned off by a 45 pound weight gain makes him "high maintenance" then you can officially add me to the list.


I have no doubt you are on the list, browser.



> If Dug was turned off by your weight, wouldn't that be somewhat of a motivator to exercise and watch your diet? Seems like there would be numerous advantages- you'd be in a happy relationship, you'd have regular sex, you'd be thin and healthy.. versus being fat, unhealthy, and alone.


I don't think so. I think the desire to lose weight has to come from within.

Just as a reminder, this thread is a question to the ladies.


----------



## jld

Lila said:


> My husband *says* he doesn't care about my weight but I know that he does. I've been heavier and lighter than I am now, and I noticed a drop in his sexual attractiveness to me when I was heavier.
> 
> He knows that I'm never going to look the way I did 20+years ago but I think it helps that I try....I work out and try to watch what I eat. Having said that, if he were to come to me today and tell me that he's lost attraction to me due to my weight, I'd set him free. I'm doing the best that I can at this point in my life. If he needs more, he's going to have to find it with someone else.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


That must be disillusioning, to hear his words, but not see his actions match them. 

I think just letting him go, if it were to come to that, would be the wisest course of action. It respects each person.


----------



## jld

peacem said:


> Mine doesn't care (or so he says) but he encourages me to lose weight for health reasons. I think being a little over weight shouldn't affect attraction either way. But when someone goes from being slim to morbidly obese within marriage I can understand how attraction can be lost.
> 
> I think confidence and making the most of ourselves is sexy. Obesity tells me that someone has just given up.


I don't think we can dictate attraction. If it is not there, it is not there.

It is probably easier if the attraction is based on the person's essence, though.


----------



## jld

Spicy said:


> I know mine cares. He only ever dated certain "types". He knows what he likes...
> My XH was very low maintenance in this regard.


Do you prefer your new husband's being higher maintenance?


----------



## jld

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I've weighed 110 my whole adult life. I'm 5' tall so that's a good weight and allows me lots of curves - I'm not 'stick thin.'
> 
> I honestly don't think my body has the capacity to be overweight as I can eat whatever I want and have done so my whole life and have remained the same weight.
> 
> My husband has made remarks about worrying that I'll 'gain weight' if I'm eating lots of stuff and I laugh at him because my weight doesn't change no matter what I eat and hasn't for years.
> 
> I honestly think if I somehow did get overweight, he'd try to be diplomatic about it but he wouldn't be overly attracted to me. He'd probably have to drink me pretty. :grin2:
> 
> .


Would it bother you if he were not attracted to you? Or that he would have to be drunk to feel attracted?

I think it is great when a person is consistently the same weight. Makes life much easier!


----------



## Faithful Wife

jld said:


> I have read several times here on TAM about husbands who lose attraction for their wives when the wife is over a certain weight. They may not even be able to get erect.
> 
> My weight has been up and down over a forty-five or so pound range since I met my husband. Yet his attraction is constant.
> 
> For that matter, my mood never affects his attraction, either. His desire is consistent, regardless of what I say or do.
> 
> From what I read here, it looks like a lot of work to try to keep some men happy. Dug keeps himself happy. Good thing, because I would probably give up if it were too hard to please him.
> 
> Anybody else out there with a *low maintenance husband*? Do you like it that way, or would you prefer a challenge?


I wouldn't call Dug low maintenance, because you have had to do a lot of work to get him to support you emotionally the way you need it sometimes. It does not come naturally to him to give you what you naturally want, so you've had to talk and sometimes fight or beg him for that attention. If he was truly low maintenance, you wouldn't have ever had to do those things, either.

In fact, some women would consider the steps you've had to take to get him to give you the emotional support you need to be way too high of a maintenance job to do to keep a guy would might give up.

OTOH, there are really so many men who will keep up a constant line of desire for their wife, regardless of her mood or weight (within reason), and we hear from them a lot, too. I don't think it is that uncommon for a man to feel about his wife (and would agree this is a low maintenance man in that sense, one who desires their wife without her having to "do" anything).

I think what we need and want out of relationships that personally fulfills us is very different, person to person, woman to woman, man to man. I personally wouldn't want a man who wanted me "no matter what", because I would feel this is completely impersonal and that it is just a reflection of his natural sex drive and nothing to do with me specifically. I want to be specifically wanted (and I want to want my man specifically).


----------



## jld

Celes said:


> I've always been about the same weight. I'm petite and slim. But I suspect my husband wouldn't mind if I put on some weight. Before me he had been with women 20-30 pounds heavier. I think he'd only have an issue if I gained a huge amount.


I have read this, too, that 100 pounds often gets a different reaction than 20. Though, that is certainly an individual call.


----------



## Faithful Wife

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I honestly don't think my body has the capacity to be overweight as I can eat whatever I want and have done so my whole life and have remained the same weight.


Obviously you can see why we cannot be friends, then. :grin2:


----------



## jld

Faithful Wife said:


> I wouldn't call Dug low maintenance, because you have had to do a lot of work to get him to support you emotionally the way you need it sometimes. It does not come naturally to him to give you what you naturally want, so you've had to talk and sometimes fight or beg him for that attention. If he was truly low maintenance, you wouldn't have ever had to do those things, either.


That is an interesting way of looking at it.



> In fact, some women would consider the steps you've had to take to get him to give you the emotional support you need to be way too high of a maintenance job to do to keep a guy would might give up.


Hey, I am liking this response better and better.  Dug, watch your maintenance needs, buddy! 



> OTOH, there are really so many men who will keep up a constant line of desire for their wife, regardless of her mood or weight (within reason), and we hear from them a lot, too. I don't think it is that uncommon for a man to feel about his wife (and would agree this is a low maintenance man in that sense, one who desires their wife without her having to "do" anything).


That could be. It is the ones who seem much higher maintenance who stand out to me, I guess, as they are so different from Dug.



> I think what we need and want out of relationships that personally fulfills us is very different, person to person, woman to woman, man to man. I personally wouldn't want a man who wanted me "no matter what", because I would feel this is completely impersonal and that it is just a reflection of his natural sex drive and nothing to do with me specifically. I want to be specifically wanted (and I want to want my man specifically).


That is an interesting thought, that it is impersonal. 

I don't think it describes Dug, though. I think he loves me, specifically, very much. He just is not picky about it.


----------



## jld

Xenote said:


> Some men don't care, some men see the bride they married, regardless of weight changes up or down, regardless of age.......i recall looking at my wife when she was pregnant and i she would constantly be telling to back down because i found her so beautiful, and even now in our 50's i find her beautiful, and sexy.


This is sweet, Xenote. This thread is for the ladies, but the post is appreciated, anyway.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I honestly don't think my body has the capacity to be overweight as I can eat whatever I want and have done so my whole life and have remained the same weight.
> 
> .


You're one of the lucky ones! :allhail:


----------



## Celes

jld said:


> I have read this, too, that 100 pounds often gets a different reaction than 20. Though, that is certainly an individual call.


I can understand it. I'm not attracted to fat. I have always been attracted to slim men (think soccer player build). My husband has gained 25 lbs since we got married. I'm still attracted to him but I'd prefer he lose it. I've never mentioned anything to him though. He already would like to lose weight and he's been exercising and eating healthier. If he doesn't manage to lose it, I'd still be okay with it. 

If he gained another 25-50 lbs though, I would have a hard time wanting sex with him. And I love him to pieces. I don't think I would ever leave him over it though. 

Luckily he's super cooperative when I take the lead on food and exercise. Which I've been doing lately, packing healthy salads for his lunch and waking his butt at 5:30 am to go to the gym with me :grin2:


----------



## jld

Celes said:


> I can understand it. I'm not attracted to fat. I have always been attracted to slim men (think soccer player build). My husband has gained 25 lbs since we got married. I'm still attracted to him but I'd prefer he lose it. I've never mentioned anything to him though. He already would like to lose weight and he's been exercising and eating healthier. If he doesn't manage to lose it, I'd still be okay with it.
> 
> If he gained another 25-50 lbs though, I would have a hard time wanting sex with him. And I love him to pieces. I don't think I would ever leave him over it though.
> 
> Luckily he's super cooperative when I take the lead on food and exercise. Which I've been doing lately, packing healthy salads for his lunch and waking his butt at 5:30 am to go to the gym with me :grin2:


25 lbs. on a soccer player would probably indeed make a difference. It sounds like he is working on it, though. And you are a great example!

Dug has been around 200 lbs (6'2") the whole time I have known him. He is lower now, around 190, as he has been doing a lot of cycling the last year. 

It does not affect my attraction, though. What affects my attraction is how attentive he is.

What surprises me is that I have had a much wider weight range, and am much shorter, and it has never affected him at all. There is really nothing "fair" or "equal" about it. It is just how it is, I guess.


----------



## tigerlily99

jld said:


> It does not affect my attraction, though. What affects my attraction is how attentive he is.




This is exactly how I feel about my H. And not just his attentiveness to me but his attentiveness to himself.
If he's eating well and making the effort to exercise and be healthy my attraction level toward him goes up several notches even if he hasn't lost a pound.

As to your original question, I do think that weight effects my H's attraction level to me but I don't want to find out how much weight because I've gained plenty since our wedding day (then I was thin as a rail) and he hasn't complained or seemed less attracted to me at all. In fact seemingly the opposite at times!


----------



## jld

tigerlily99 said:


> This is exactly how I feel about my H. And not just his attentiveness to me but his attentiveness to himself.
> If he's eating well and making the effort to exercise and be healthy my attraction level toward him goes up several notches even if he hasn't lost a pound.
> 
> As to your original question, I do think that weight effects my H's attraction level to me but I don't want to find out how much weight because I've gained plenty since our wedding day (then I was thin as a rail) and he hasn't complained or seemed less attracted to me at all. In fact seemingly the opposite at times!


Lol! Yeah, some guys are more attracted to extra weight.

How do you feel about that, if your husband is in that group?


----------



## MrsHolland

I used to think all men wanted stick figure women, wish I knew then what I know now.

I don't think MrH would lose his desire for me if I gained weight, I am very curvy (not fat) and he can't keep his hands off me. It took some time to get my head around as I had convinced myself I was obese after years of rejection from the idiot I married first time. I am an Aussie size 10 - 12 so about a US size 8 - 10. The average size here is 14 so I am not skinny and not fat, just right 

Anyway as I said I really don't think he would lose his desire for me if I gained some weight, the bigger issue would be me losing desire I think. I enjoy looking and feeling sexy and being over weight is not conducive to that.

I would not call MrH low maintenance, to me that means not connected, I would call him non judgemental and a man that can appreciate what he has right in front of him. He is happy to be happy


----------



## Affaircare

As I understand it, some male humans have an emotional need for a physically attractive level on their spouse, and for other male humans that need just is not as strong. I am a short, plump little person (envision a Hobbit or female dwarf), and my Dear Hubby LOVES it! I think I've maybe gained 10 lbs. since we met, so he was attracted to me the way I am, and I've roughly stayed the way I am--namely, I was not and have not ever been a "thin" person around him. He acts like what turns him on about me is my mind, my actions, my personality, my sense of humor...ME. And being attracted to my essence translates into being attracted to my physical expression. Thus, I'd say he didn't have as much of a need for "physically attractive"--not that I'm NOT attractive, but more like it's not biggie. I was "okay as is" when he met me, and seem to still be "okay as is." 

On the other hand, I know many male humans who have a STRONG need for their spouse to stay physically attractive, and so many ladies take that as SUCH an insult, but I don't understand why. I mean, if he was attracted to you "when you first met" staying physically attractive would be maintaining what you have, not being some media-definition of "perfect." Why is that such a bad thing to desire from your spouse? I think it's reasonable for one spouse to want their spouse to keep putting in the effort to keep their looks good. Okay--we become moms, we age, but there's no reason not to keep our hair done up, our makeup on, or our clothing enticing. From what I can tell, there are female people who have this same need: if they married a "handsome, rugged" type, they hope he stays handsome and rugged even as he ages and goes through life! So see what I mean? Some people just need it and other people don't.


----------



## jld

MrsHolland said:


> I used to think all men wanted stick figure women, wish I knew then what I know now.
> 
> I don't think MrH would lose his desire for me if I gained weight, I am very curvy (not fat) and he can't keep his hands off me. It took some time to get my head around as I had convinced myself I was obese after years of rejection from the idiot I married first time. I am an Aussie size 10 - 12 so about a US size 8 - 10. The average size here is 14 so I am not skinny and not fat, just right
> 
> Anyway as I said I really don't think he would lose his desire for me if I gained some weight, the bigger issue would be me losing desire I think. I enjoy looking and feeling sexy and being over weight is not conducive to that.
> 
> I would not call MrH low maintenance, to me that means not connected, I would call him non judgemental and a man that can appreciate what he has right in front of him. He is happy to be happy


Maybe low maintenance was the wrong term? I was just trying to describe men who do not need a wife to weigh a specific weight for them to feel attracted. 

You have a good guy there, Mrs. Holland. 

You know, no matter where I have been weight-wise over the last nearly 24 years, it has never turned me off to sex. I feel loved no matter what. I wonder if that is part of why my sex drive was never affected.


----------



## jld

Affaircare said:


> As I understand it, some male humans have an emotional need for a physically attractive level on their spouse, and for other male humans that need just is not as strong. I am a short, plump little person (envision a Hobbit or female dwarf), and my Dear Hubby LOVES it! I think I've maybe gained 10 lbs. since we met, so he was attracted to me the way I am, and I've roughly stayed the way I am--namely, I was not and have not ever been a "thin" person around him. He acts like what turns him on about me is my mind, my actions, my personality, my sense of humor...ME. And being attracted to my essence translates into being attracted to my physical expression. Thus, I'd say he didn't have as much of a need for "physically attractive"--not that I'm NOT attractive, but more like it's not biggie. I was "okay as is" when he met me, and seem to still be "okay as is."
> 
> On the other hand, I know many male humans who have a STRONG need for their spouse to stay physically attractive, and so many ladies take that as SUCH an insult, but I don't understand why. I mean, if he was attracted to you "when you first met" staying physically attractive would be maintaining what you have, not being some media-definition of "perfect." Why is that such a bad thing to desire from your spouse? I think it's reasonable for one spouse to want their spouse to keep putting in the effort to keep their looks good. Okay--we become moms, we age, but there's no reason not to keep our hair done up, our makeup on, or our clothing enticing. From what I can tell, there are female people who have this same need: if they married a "handsome, rugged" type, they hope he stays handsome and rugged even as he ages and goes through life! So see what I mean? Some people just need it and other people don't.


Don't you think that to him, you *are* physically attractive, Affaircare? It is not like there is just one definition of that, right?


----------



## happy2gether

I'm one of those husbands, I love my WIFE regardless of her weight/shape. I am equally attracted to her now as I was way back when we were both skinny 23 years ago, actually probably more. Our kids constantly say we are "gross" and "embarrassing" because we hold hands/kiss/grab each other's butts in front of them. 

As a matter of a fact just now before I read this thread I randomly text her and told her I am ready to go home and snuggle in bed. Hey, I mean it and it earns brownie points(literally she will fix me brownies if I ask).


----------



## jld

happy2gether said:


> I'm one of those husbands, I love my WIFE regardless of her weight/shape. I am equally attracted to her now as I was way back when we were both skinny 23 years ago, actually probably more. Our kids constantly say we are "gross" and "embarrassing" because we hold hands/kiss/grab each other's butts in front of them.
> 
> As a matter of a fact just now before I read this thread I randomly text her and told her I am ready to go home and snuggle in bed. Hey, I mean it and it earns brownie points(literally she will fix me brownies if I ask).


Sweet post, happy. It is a thread for ladies, but thank you for sharing that. 

Lol, maybe I should start a thread over in Men's on this, so the guys can chime in freely . . .


----------



## Red Sonja

MrsHolland said:


> I had convinced myself I was obese after years of rejection from the idiot I married first time.


I had the same problem after being married to my sexless-wonder of an XH for 28 years. My weight has never varied more than +/- 10lbs for my entire adult life. However that man could “smell” 5 extra pounds on me and would comment on it. Add that to the 25 years of sexless-ness and other criticisms and I had been brain-washed into thinking that I must be “gross” … you know, fat with warts and a hunchback that I couldn’t see in the mirror.

For the record, I am currently 5’9”/155lb/US size 10 with boobs and an hourglass figure. I get more male attention than I want or can handle, who knew?


----------



## MrsHolland

jld said:


> Maybe low maintenance was the wrong term? I was just trying to describe men who do not need a wife to weigh a specific weight for them to feel attracted.
> 
> You have a good guy there, Mrs. Holland.
> 
> You know, no matter where I have been weight-wise over the last nearly 24 years, it has never turned me off to sex. I feel loved no matter what. I wonder if that is part of why my sex drive was never affected.


I feel loved by MrH and much of this comes from him not being judgemental, that I why I believe if I put on some weight he would still love and desire me. This man has held my hair while I vomited, takes care of me when I am sick, nothing is too much to ask of him, he is kind and engaged with my children, he goes above and beyond to see me happy and smiling. He forgives me when we fight, he puts up with my idiotic behaviour.

The issue would be with me, I thrive on feeling and looking sexy, it is important to me. I am a tad f.ed up by my first marriage and spent many hours wondering why my ex was not all over me, I am attractive and kept myself well. I still at times let the past hold me back. But MrH has opened my eyes to many things. He calls me beautiful and sexy everyday, with meaning. I feel more beautiful today than I did in my 30's and that is mostly due to him. He does not judge me, I have however spent a life time judging myself.

Maybe that is why your drive has never been affected, it sounds like MrJLD is also a non judgemental man.

And yes MrH is a good guy, it sounds like you have one too


----------



## MrsHolland

Red Sonja said:


> I had the same problem after being married to my sexless-wonder of an XH for 28 years. My weight has never varied more than +/- 10lbs for my entire adult life. However that man could “smell” 5 extra pounds on me and would comment on it. Add that to the 25 years of sexless-ness and other criticisms and I had been brain-washed into thinking that I must be “gross” … you know, fat with warts and a hunchback that I couldn’t see in the mirror.
> 
> For the record, I am currently 5’9”/155lb/US size 10 with boobs and an hourglass figure. I get more male attention than I want or can handle, who knew?


OMG hello twin sister. Although I am the short arse one at 5'3"

It is like an amazing revelation when you awake from this type of existence. I was sure I was a hideous ogre but as it turns out I'm not.


----------



## Giro flee

My weight hasn't varied much over the years, been an athlete most of my life. I don't think Mr Giro would be as attracted to me with more than twenty extra pounds. I think he likes an athletic build. Mr Giro can go up and down a little bit depending on how busy he is at work. I always love him, the way he treats me is what makes me love him. However, I've never seen him with an extra 100 lbs.... I hope nothing would change because he'd still be him, just heavier.


----------



## Lila

jld said:


> That must be disillusioning, to hear his words, but not see his actions match them.  I think just letting him go, if it were to come to that, would be the wisest course of action. It respects each person.


Fear is a strong motivating factor for him. I think he sees and treasures the strengths I bring to the relationship. He doesn't want to give those up so he tries to convince himself that weight gain isn't an issue. 

At the end of the day, perfect partners do not exist. My attitude is accept me in my entirety, warts and all, or not at all. But if a thinner woman is what he needs, then I hope it's worth giving up all of the other things I bring to the table. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

It's the habits and behaviors that would impact attraction for both of us... not solely the number on the scale or extra bit of weight.


----------



## jld

Lila said:


> Fear is a strong motivating factor for him. I think he sees and treasures the strengths I bring to the relationship. He doesn't want to give those up so he tries to convince himself that weight gain isn't an issue.
> 
> At the end of the day, perfect partners do not exist. My attitude is accept me in my entirety, warts and all, or not at all. But if a thinner woman is what he needs, then I hope it's worth giving up all of the other things I bring to the table.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


I love your strength of spirit, Lila! Another very good post.

Do you think it would ultimately have to be you leaving, if you felt the above were true, that he were not truly accepting and genuinely attracted to you?


----------



## Lila

jld said:


> I love your strength of spirit, Lila! Another very good post.
> 
> Do you think it would ultimately have to be you leaving, if you felt the above were true, that he were not truly accepting and genuinely attracted to you?


Yes, it would be me leaving in the above scenario with one exception. If there were other issues in the marriage in addition to the physical attraction ones. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## jld

Lila said:


> Yes, it would be me leaving in the above scenario with one exception. If there were other issues in the marriage in addition to the physical attraction ones.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


Iow, you are willing to live with his (possible) lack of genuine unconditional attraction and his (possible) lack of transparency regarding it?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. Just trying to clarify.


----------



## alexm

Also a guy (sorry JLD!) but I wanted to chime in and fully agree with AffairCare's post.

I'm one of those guys who is sexually attracted to the person, I guess, as opposed to the physical body. But at the same time, I have no real issue with those men (OR women) who have a type.

To echo AffairCare's post, more or less, all men (and women) have their own hierarchy of what attracts them to a partner. Where the physical falls on that hierarchy will vary from person to person. I guess the trick is finding out where these things rank with your partner, so as to know whether it may or may not be an issue later on down the road.

Both women I've married each lost significant weight while I've been with them (one from 155 to 95lbs, one from ~200 to 145 :surprise: ) I can honestly say I was no more or less attracted to either of them, so it's clear that physical (or more accurately, weight) means little to me.


----------



## jld

alexm said:


> Also a guy (sorry JLD!) but I wanted to chime in and fully agree with AffairCare's post.
> 
> I'm one of those guys who is sexually attracted to the person, I guess, as opposed to the physical body. But at the same time, I have no real issue with those men (OR women) who have a type.
> 
> To echo AffairCare's post, more or less, all men (and women) have their own hierarchy of what attracts them to a partner. Where the physical falls on that hierarchy will vary from person to person. I guess the trick is finding out where these things rank with your partner, so as to know whether it may or may not be an issue later on down the road.
> 
> Both women I've married each lost significant weight while I've been with them (one from 155 to 95lbs, one from ~200 to 145 :surprise: ) I can honestly say I was no more or less attracted to either of them, so it's clear that physical (or more accurately, weight) means little to me.


Hi, Alex. I started a thread in Men's for men who would like to share their thoughts on this subject. This thread is specifically aimed towards the ladies. Thanks for understanding.


----------



## jld

Just to refocus on part of the original question that has not had many responses . . . 

Is anyone here married to a man whose attraction is not affected by your weight, but you wish it were? If so, why?


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

I can't participate in this one because my husband cares. Now ask me if I care that he cares. That's another topic.


----------



## jld

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I can't participate in this one because my husband cares. Now ask me if I care that he cares. That's another topic.


----------



## Lila

jld said:


> Iow, you are willing to live with his (possible) lack of genuine unconditional attraction and his (possible) lack of transparency regarding it?
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. Just trying to clarify.


I don't believe in unconditional attraction, especially when it comes to men, so yes, I'm willing to live with that. 

I think everyone has their limits on what they are willing and not willing to accept. H is no different. 

I think his problem is that he won't communicate honestly with me because he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of brutal honesty, primarily hurting my feelings especially since he knows I'm doing all that I feel like doing, with regards to exercise and diet, at this point in my life. 

The ironic thing is that I'm more confident in my heavier body today than I was in my skinnier body 20 years ago. And I'll tell you from experience, confidence is an aphrodisiac to many men. If my husband doesn't or can't appreciate me for who I am today, I guarantee there are others out there who will. 

As far as living without transparency, I have learned to judge his actions not his words, or lack thereof. It's the warts that make up who he is. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## Anon Pink

I think 'most' men aren't really that effected by weight gain of their spouse. I think men, in general, see the person they married and their attraction is based on that person showing up. If that person happens to have more meat on her hips, less definition between waist line and bust line, they don't really see it.

What I think men react to is how their spouse carries herself when she has gained weight. If a woman feels unattractive she wears clothing that hides her body, both inside the home and outside. A woman who feels negatively about herself is less flirty, less open to acting in a sexually alluring way, and even has a lower sex drive in general. Her confidence is gone and there is nothing sexier than a confident person. 


This is what I hang my hat on when I am discouraged about weight gain or signs of aging. My husband has never said anything about weight gain, nor about weight loss. He has only ever responded to my confidence level. If I'm feeling confident he is attracted and he keeps his distance when I'm feeling neurotic about my appearance.

So, @jld while my husband has never said he is affected by weight gain, (and he has never said he is affected by an appropriate weight  ) it is clear to me that he is affected by my confidence vs neurotic body image.


My husband started gaining weight a soon as we got married. In the beginning it bothered me because the fine characteristics of his face that I found irresistible were disappearing with the puffiness. His belly didn't bother me, I missed his face. But as the years wore on and he continued to expand I gave up but for the most part I never really saw his belly and forgot to look for the face that initially attracted me. His smile, the smile I thought so engaging and so perfect, was a thing of the past. Unless I looked at old pictures, I completely forgot that he used to have a smile that I thought so wonderful. We've had MANY conversations about his weight gain and they started out, back in our early days, very gentle. I would tell him how I missed his face, missed his smile and didn't like how the puffiness obscured his face. Now I just ask him to make sure his life insurance is up to date and all our financials are put together because when I am a widow I will need to be able to mourn his loss without the anxiety of trying to figure out where our money is and how to access it. Both of our fathers died in their early 60's from heart attacks. My husband is 58. Our time is limited without substantial weight loss on his part. He has worked so hard to ensure our comfortable retirement and it is not likely to include him. That is tragic.


----------



## jld

anon pink said:


> our time is limited without substantial weight loss on his part. He has worked so hard to ensure our comfortable retirement and it is not likely to include him. That is tragic.


----------



## Affaircare

jld said:


> Don't you think that to him, you *are* physically attractive, Affaircare? It is not like there is just one definition of that, right?


 @jld, 

This is a great question! I think for some people, attraction starts physically and then spreads into all the other aspects of who the spouse is. For my own Dear Hubby, I completely agree that from what I can tell, he is physically attracted to me. I observe this based on how he acts and how he looks at me! So his definition of physically attractive includes what I got! 

However I don't think his definition of an "attractive" person starts with their looks, if that makes sense. Honestly I think he's attracted to my mind, sense of humor, and generally easy-going personality....and because all that is so much the way he likes, he also finds the exterior "within acceptable perimeters" :grin2:


----------



## tigerlily99

jld said:


> Just to refocus on part of the original question that has not had many responses . . .
> 
> Is anyone here married to a man whose attraction is not affected by your weight, but you wish it were? If so, why?




Ok yeah I guess I sort of missed that. Yes I do believe my H's attraction is not affected by my weight. (It could be, but I won't be gaining anymore weight!)

My attraction is effected by MY weight. If I feel fat or out of shape I don't feel sexy. Therefore I'm less inclined to act sexy or to be the initiator of sex.
So in the long run, even if he is still attracted to me with extra weight, it effects him.

I don't know if I really wish he were different in this area. I think I would want him to be more direct, less afraid to upset me by being honest. Then I would believe him when he acts super attracted to my body and not be tempted to write it off as him 'just being horny' and wanting some.

That being said, I do have self esteem issues and have always found something wrong with my body even when I was 'perfect'.
I imagine he is afraid to trigger my insecurities by saying anything. 
But in the end it's what I believe about myself that really matters because he seems very happy with me, from when I was too thin to now, being more curvy and having a belly.

I think you also asked earlier @jld how it made me feel to consider that he may prefer me bigger.
I actually think it's not a body type for H, just whatever body *I* happen to be in, that he loves.


----------



## jasmine31

edit: deleted 
jasmine31


----------



## jld

Wow, very nice, heartfelt post, jasmine. 

It is pretty clear your body is not ugly to your husband. We women are so hard on ourselves. 

I love how he waited to have sex with you until you were ready. He just enjoyed spending time with you. That is how it should be.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think everyone is affected by weight, it's just that some have a much wider range of acceptable than others. 

Taking an extreme example, I think most would find 700 pounds unattractive. But many people are fine with a particular +/- range.

And even the range could vary based on other factors, like how you carry it, why it's there (ie did you get sick or just laze on the couch all day) and how much they like you. 

I know I don't carry extra weight well because I'm short and my face tends to blow up first, but I know people who can carry an extra 20 pounds and still look pretty good.


----------



## kag123

A couple of quick thoughts...not in any particular order. 

In my marriage, I believe my H is much more affected by my mood rather than physical appearance. I suffer from depression/anxiety (diagnosed and under treatment) and when I am at a low point I feel his attraction wane. I don't blame him, fwiw.

My H is the one who struggles with weight more so than I do. I have a faster metabolism than he does. He has gone up and down 60-75lbs during the course of our marriage and it's a struggle for him to maintain his weight where he wants it. His whole family is like that. So, I think he feels like he wouldn't dare speak a word to me about what I weigh knowing his own struggle and the (unfortunate) shame it brings him. I think the way he feels about himself impacts his drive more than how he feels about my physical appearance. I tend to go up and down around 15lbs which keeps me in the same clothing sizes, I just feel blah when I am heavier and have that bit of extra fluff. 

Health is big for both of us, and I tend to feel that people who overly emphasize physical appearance are a bit shallow. We have watched people close to us lose their independence, health and ability via various health problems. I am having some serious health problems at the moment myself. When you see that, you tend to focus on just loving that you have a body that can still walk, think, breathe! Who cares what it looks like! When I meet or read about someone who is very picky about appearance I think they probably haven't had to witness the struggles of someone who is disabled or fighting for their life. 

My husband has health problems that are affected by his weight. My struggle is helping him keep his weight down so he can have relief from the symptoms. I do not like making him feel shameful about himself so I struggle with this, honestly. I love him and want him to feel loved, not judged. I haven't figured out how to deliver the message of care and concern without it sounding like I am judging him.


----------



## katiecrna

My husband cares about my weight. In a healthy degree. Right now I am 10ish lbs heavier than I usually am. He doesn't care, he hasn't lost attraction for me. I think it will require me to be very heavy for it to affect his desire.
I think it's also my actions/lifestyle that he likes or doesn't. He likes me to be productive. He doesn't like a lazy, laying on the couch in my pjs eating chips vision lol. 

Also about weight.... some women can look great with some weight. Some women when they gain weight it distribute evenly and nicely and it doesn't look bad. I have the body type that I need to be skinny. If I gain weight it goes right to my face and my hips and it looks gross. Like very pear shape. So for me, I just look better thinner. Some women look amazing with weight. I do not.


----------



## jld

I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.

I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.

Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.

I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.


----------



## samyeagar

jld said:


> I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.
> 
> I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.
> 
> Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.
> 
> I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.


I think that "weight" is often used as a catch all term, a misnomer if you will, where "appearance" would be more appropriate. Those two are often tied closely together, but are really two different things. If a person puts on weight where it is distributed evenly across their body where their overall appearance, or as Dug put it, their "shape" doesn't change much, then weight has little impact. However, if the same amount of weight targets a specific area such as the belly, then you end up with a very different overall appearance.


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.

I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...


----------



## jld

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.
> 
> I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...


How about just asking him?


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

jld said:


> How about just asking him?


Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you _really_ mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.


----------



## Wolf1974

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you _really_ mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.


Maybe not a Great word choice of fat but I don't see an issue with telling your spouse that they are gaining weight and you are not as attracted to them.


----------



## jld

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you _really_ mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.


So you don't believe him?


----------



## arbitrator

*As a spouse, I would absolutely love my W's heart, soul, and body for what it is!

Having said that, whenever I greatly felt that my spouses maintenance as well as the physical appearance of their body began to imperil their health, such as obesity or a rise in cholesterol or any other negative health factor, then that is where I would have to put my foot down!

And conversely, if I did the very same thing to imperil my own health and well being, I would pray that my spouse would have both the gumption and the assertiveness to lovingly tell me about it!

That's exactly what a loving, caring marriage is supposed to be all about!*


----------



## *Deidre*

My fiance and I are very attracted to each other physically, and both of us are into working out/eating clean, but I'd like to believe that if I were to ever gain maybe 20 lbs or something in our marriage, he'd still be attracted to me.  Sometimes I see couples, the husband is super fit, and the wife is very over weight, or the other way around, and they both look disconnected...the husband walking far ahead of the wife, etc. I can't help but think that if one person is really into fitness, and the other is very unhealthy and overweight, it has to affect the relationship.


----------



## TaDor

For health reasons, we should ALL try to eat better and exercise. Sorry, but men are more picky about weight than women are.
My "wife" hovers around 104lbs. With her build, she gets freaked out when she's 110 or higher. I still don't know how she does it.
Myself, I'm currently 230lbs and about 50lbs over-weight, but I've lost 8 lbs in the past 6 weeks and will continue to do so with the goal of 180lbs.
I feel better, I move better and I am healthier to be that low for our family, our son - I want to last a while.


----------



## veganmermaid

Color me jealous! I'm 5'2 and usually about 98lb. My husband is very picky - if I dip below 95, I'm too bony; if I stray above 105, he starts watching what I eat. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

jld said:


> So you don't believe him?


No, I suppose I don't, or at least I don't know either way whether I do. It's never occurred to me to think of it as disbelieving him, or to be in any way hurt over whether he is or isn't lying to me. I don't consider it malicious deception, if it is deception at all. As I said, most men just don't tell their wives they've gotten fat.


----------



## jld

EllaSuaveterre said:


> No, I suppose I don't, or at least I don't know either way whether I do. It's never occurred to me to think of it as disbelieving him, or to be in any way hurt over whether he is or isn't lying to me. I don't consider it malicious deception, if it is deception at all. As I said, most men just don't tell their wives they've gotten fat.


I think you mentioned in one of your threads that you have had an eating disorder? If that is the case, you may have disordered perceptions of your body, and how other people, including your husband, see it. That could be depriving you of peace and contentment with your body, and trust in your husband.

Also, is it possible that you and your husband just have low sex drives? If you are both are naturally low drive people, you are just low drive people. There is nothing wrong with that, especially if you are both fine with it.


----------



## jld

veganmermaid said:


> Color me jealous! I'm 5'2 and usually about 98lb. My husband is very picky - if I dip below 95, I'm too bony; if I stray above 105, he starts watching what I eat.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How do you feel about his "pickiness"?


----------



## veganmermaid

jld said:


> How do you feel about his "pickiness"?




I'm ambivalent about it, I guess. I've had an eating disorder since I was 11 or 12 (it developed in response to trauma) so I would have issues around this subject regardless... it makes it difficult to pursue true recovery, though, because as part of that process generally one overshoots the healthy bmi range when gaining weight / repairing the body / fixing one's relationship with food. It's a powerful demotivator for me, obviously. He's come to therapy / my R.D. appointments and I'm always trying to get him to come see my MD with me.


----------



## browser

RichardT said:


> Click this link to find out more: [Commercial link removed]


-Spammer reported-


----------



## thefam

Hi @jld !

He says he doesn't. But I don't believe him. I think its impossible for a gym rat/fitness nut to not care about the weight/fitness level of their partner.

He claims he only gets involved because I b*tch and moan about it when I'm overweight. Now on this l-o-n-g journey of weight loss after childbirth.


----------



## Daisy12

I'm 5' 9" and weight 160 pounds, would like to be 150 pounds and am trying to get there. My husband never use to say anything to me about my weight which has been up and down our whole marriage, 4 kids, health issues with multiple surgeries. His sex drive has never changed even when I was heavy, but once he did mention that he was not as attracted to me when I was heavier. That comment has never left me and still bothers me at times, so men be careful about how you bring up the subject of your wife's weight and vice versa for woman with heavy husbands. Words can stay with you forever.


----------



## jld

thefam said:


> Hi @jld !
> 
> He says he doesn't. But I don't believe him. I think its impossible for a gym rat/fitness nut to not care about the weight/fitness level of their partner.
> 
> He claims he only gets involved because I b*tch and moan about it when I'm overweight. Now on this l-o-n-g journey of weight loss after childbirth.


Hi, tfam!

Why do you not believe him? Has he shown you in any way that his attraction level is lower with the baby weight?


----------



## samyeagar

Daisy12 said:


> I'm 5' 9" and weight 160 pounds, would like to be 150 pounds and am trying to get there. My husband never use to say anything to me about my weight which has been up and down our whole marriage, 4 kids, health issues with multiple surgeries. His sex drive has never changed even when I was heavy, but once he did mention that he was not as attracted to me when I was heavier. That comment has never left me and still bothers me at times, so men be careful about how you bring up the subject of your wife's weight and vice versa for woman with heavy husbands. *Words can stay with you forever*.


For sure they can. Not sure I will ever forget the first time I my wife and I ever hugged...her first words were "Damn, you're scrawny." Still bothers me at times too.


----------



## thefam

jld said:


> Hi, tfam!
> 
> Why do you not believe him? Has he shown you in any way that his attraction level is lower with the baby weight?


Oh no not at all. But he is extremely HD so not so sure I would notice. 

However I just can't see a fit partner not caring if the other is unfit. Not saying he wouldn't love me and continue to treat me well but I think he would still want me to be fit. It happened before I had kids and he was VERY INVOLVED in "helping" me get back on track.


----------



## jld

Daisy12 said:


> I'm 5' 9" and weight 160 pounds, would like to be 150 pounds and am trying to get there. My husband never use to say anything to me about my weight which has been up and down our whole marriage, 4 kids, health issues with multiple surgeries. His sex drive has never changed even when I was heavy, but once he did mention that he was not as attracted to me when I was heavier. That comment has never left me and still bothers me at times, so men be careful about how you bring up the subject of your wife's weight and vice versa for woman with heavy husbands. *Words can stay with you forever.*


Sometimes it is our interpretation of words that hurts us the most, Daisy. Have you ever thought about bringing up what he said to you, and talking through it now?


----------



## katies

veganmermaid said:


> Color me jealous! I'm 5'2 and usually about 98lb. My husband is very picky - if I dip below 95, I'm too bony; if I stray above 105, he starts watching what I eat.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


WTH? He doesn't own you. I would be furious over this.


----------



## jld

thefam said:


> Oh no not at all. But he is extremely HD so not so sure I would notice.
> 
> However I just can't see a fit partner not caring if the other is unfit. Not saying he wouldn't love me and continue to treat me well but I think he would still want me to be fit. It happened before I had kids and he was VERY INVOLVED in "helping" me get back on track.


I just read your post to Dug, and he thinks you might be reading more into it than your husband actually means. Do you think maybe he thought it bothered *you*, and he wanted *you* to be happy, so that is why he tried to help? Whereas to him, you are just perfect however you are?

Dug is a lot more "fit" than I am, and he does not seem to care. 

I am not sure men need equality in fitness. It seems like when they love and are attracted to a woman, they just accept her the way she is.


----------



## Mr. Nail

thefam said:


> Hi @jld !
> 
> He says he doesn't. But I don't believe him. I think its impossible for a gym rat/fitness nut to not care about the weight/fitness level of their partner.
> 
> He claims he only gets involved because I b*tch and moan about it when I'm overweight. Now on this l-o-n-g journey of weight loss after childbirth.





thefam said:


> Oh no not at all. But he is extremely HD so not so sure I would notice.
> 
> However I just can't see a fit partner not caring if the other is unfit. Not saying he wouldn't love me and continue to treat me well but I think he would still want me to be fit. It happened before I had kids and he was VERY INVOLVED in "helping" me get back on track.


So how is your refusal to believe your husband affecting your marriage, your self esteem, and your body image?


----------



## thefam

Mr. Nail said:


> So how is your refusal to believe your husband affecting your marriage, your self esteem, and your body image?


It's my issue and I realize that. After the birth of my 3-year old I became obsessed with being healthy and fit. I lost all of my pregnancy weight and more and was down to my pre-marriage weight. Then I had 2 back-to-back pregnancies (middle child just turned 1, baby is almost 2 months). Both pregnancies I gained a lot so I am extremely anxious to get it all off. I have lost 15 lbs and I have about 45 more to go. But I do realize that I have to do it consistently but slowly while maintaining my overall energy level and enough calorie intake for breastfeeding. I don't feel as if I have low self esteem. I just feel obsessed.


----------



## thefam

jld said:


> I just read your post to Dug, and he thinks you might be reading more into it than your husband actually means. Do you think maybe he thought it bothered *you*, and he wanted *you* to be happy, so that is why he tried to help? Whereas to him, you are just perfect however you are?
> 
> Dug is a lot more "fit" than I am, and he does not seem to care.
> 
> I am not sure men need equality in fitness. It seems like when they love and are attracted to a woman, they just accept her the way she is.


You're probably right, I'm probably projecting how I feel into how he feels. 
I feel obsessed and as I give it some thought, probably a bit of vulnerability.


----------



## blahfridge

I have never been heavy, but was a little rounder by almost 20 pounds about six years ago. When I lost the weight, my H suddenly became interested in me again. But it was more because he figured out that I know longer cared if he was interested or not. It's amazing how some men will chase a wife who is disinterested, but take for granted the same wife that begs for some crumbs of attention. He sniffed out that their were other men out there who wanted me, so now he's decided he wants me all to himself. I believe a husband should cherish his wife no matter what her size, as long as she takes reasonable care of herself. Nobody is perfect.


----------



## jld

thefam said:


> You're probably right, I'm probably projecting how I feel into how he feels.
> I feel obsessed and as I give it some thought, probably a bit of vulnerability.


Where do you think the vulnerability comes from?


----------



## thefam

jld said:


> Where do you think the vulnerability comes from?


Childbirth. Which is strange because I felt a surge of empowerment after my first childbirth.


----------



## jld

thefam said:


> Childbirth. Which is strange because I felt a surge of empowerment after my first childbirth.


Hmm, interesting. Not following how your body image is related to this, though?


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Affaircare said:


> As I understand it, some male humans have an emotional need for a physically attractive level on their spouse, and for other male humans that need just is not as strong. I am a short, plump little person (envision a Hobbit or female dwarf), and my Dear Hubby LOVES it! I think I've maybe gained 10 lbs. since we met, so he was attracted to me the way I am, and I've roughly stayed the way I am--namely, I was not and have not ever been a "thin" person around him. He acts like what turns him on about me is my mind, my actions, my personality, my sense of humor...ME. And being attracted to my essence translates into being attracted to my physical expression. Thus, I'd say he didn't have as much of a need for "physically attractive"--not that I'm NOT attractive, but more like it's not biggie. I was "okay as is" when he met me, and seem to still be "okay as is."
> 
> On the other hand, I know many male humans who have a STRONG need for their spouse to stay physically attractive, and so many ladies take that as SUCH an insult, but I don't understand why. I mean, if he was attracted to you "when you first met" staying physically attractive would be maintaining what you have, not being some media-definition of "perfect." Why is that such a bad thing to desire from your spouse? I think it's reasonable for one spouse to want their spouse to keep putting in the effort to keep their looks good. Okay--we become moms, we age, but there's no reason not to keep our hair done up, our makeup on, or our clothing enticing. From what I can tell, there are female people who have this same need: if they married a "handsome, rugged" type, they hope he stays handsome and rugged even as he ages and goes through life! So see what I mean? Some people just need it and other people don't.










this is a beautiful post...to the testament to so many couples...and really... as sensitive as it may seem, with all the model bodies everywhere we look, bombarded with billboards / bra commercials, etc...that it only matters to whom we are with.. no one else. 

And here you show the understanding to the other side of the coin (one I like to say Harley devoted a chapter on in "His Needs/ Her Needs")- some have no need, a little need and some have it nearing the top...we're just not all wired the same.. 

My husband is one who cares but would never say anything to hurt me... Threads here bring up many discussions (we had this one years ago)....so I've asked : What if I gained too much... he admitted he'd always LOVE me...but the DESIRE would take a dive... 

I can't say it bothers me...as I am particular too! he knows if he starts to gain.. I will starve him & feed him cardboard.. so it's all good.


----------



## Mr. Nail

thefam said:


> (middle child just turned 1, baby is almost 2 months)


I just realized you have Irish twins like we do. You need to take it a bit easy on yourself. My wife took 6 years before she was willing to have a 4th. Having two pregnancies that close together really takes it out of you.


----------



## ChargingCharlie

My wife is a bit overweight (she lost 50 lbs about five years ago, but gained it back) and I'd like to see her lose it - that said, I'll take that over our neighbor who's in her early 30's and has the body of a middle school girl (and she has a couple of kids). 

I love some curves over a woman who I can't see when she's standing sideways.


----------



## thefam

Mr. Nail said:


> I just realized you have Irish twins like we do. You need to take it a bit easy on yourself. My wife took 6 years before she was willing to have a 4th. Having two pregnancies that close together really takes it out of you.


Just wondering if I'm the only spouse who has a very fit partner and that causes you to in turn be obsessed with ,,, i won't say matching their fitness level but at least not being overweight and/or out of shape. I'm talking about cases where your spouse has not said or implied he has a problem but just them being fit causes you to be obsessed with it? I swear I am handling 3 kids and Irish twins and all that entails much better than Im handling slowly and patiently taking the weight off. 

I have a friend who had a 1 and 2 year old back to back and she keeps telling me to give myself18 months. I should listen to her because she completely got her killer figure back by taking it slow. Maybe im just shallow and don't want to admit it.


----------



## TheCuriousWife

I'm self conscious about my weight. Since I am so sickly I was a twig most my life. Now I am 155 pounds and 5' 7". :/ Size US 9. 

I wouldn't consider myself fat, but I hate my stomach pooch. My husband says I look fine, but I know he would be upset if I gained anymore. He is super healthy, doesn't drink soda, eats salad everyday, works out everyday, etc. I have a desk job, and love junk food. I've recently started going to the gym, and would love to get down to 135. 

So my husband doesn't speak ill of my weight, but there is some implied pressure there since he is so fit and healthy, and I am a flab. I think my weight makes me more unhappy than it makes him though. I am happy to have some curve now, but I also feel so squishy compared to when I was a size 3.


----------



## Middle of Everything

jld said:


> I have read several times here on TAM about husbands who lose attraction for their wives when the wife is over a certain weight. They may not even be able to get erect.
> 
> My weight has been up and down over a forty-five or so pound range since I met my husband. Yet his attraction is constant.
> 
> For that matter, my mood never affects his attraction, either. His desire is consistent, regardless of what I say or do.
> 
> From what I read here, it looks like a lot of work to try to keep some men happy. Dug keeps himself happy. Good thing, because I would probably give up if it were too hard to please him.
> 
> Anybody else out there with a low maintenance husband? Do you like it that way, or would you prefer a challenge?


I know I am probably going to regret opening this door, but here goes....

I agree that a little weight fluctuation not affecting ones attraction is a good thing. We are humans and we age. We aren't machines.

But your mood never affects his attraction? REGARDLESS of what you say or do?? How is that good? How does that not make you little more than a sex doll that he uses to get off? Regardless of what you say or do? STILL has the same desire and attraction? If it works you for and Dug I guess......


----------



## lifeistooshort

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm self conscious about my weight. Since I am so sickly I was a twig most my life. Now I am 155 pounds and 5' 7". :/ Size US 9.
> 
> I wouldn't consider myself fat, but I hate my stomach pooch. My husband says I look fine, but I know he would be upset if I gained anymore. He is super healthy, doesn't drink soda, eats salad everyday, works out everyday, etc. I have a desk job, and love junk food. I've recently started going to the gym, and would love to get down to 135.
> 
> So my husband doesn't speak ill of my weight, but there is some implied pressure there since he is so fit and healthy, and I am a flab. I think my weight makes me more unhappy than it makes him though. I am happy to have some curve now, but I also feel so squishy compared to when I was a size 3.


I think that's often true even if the fit person is totally fine with their partners size.

Just being in the presence of a fitter person can make one feel judged even when no judging exists.

Case in point: I'm a runner......usually 30-45 miles per week and am pretty competitive. I run sometimes on my lunch hour and as my company is small and lot of people see me running. 

I can't tell you how often I've gotten in the elevator with someone and they'll look at me and say:

"I should run".

"I wish I could run".

"My knees hurt".

"I should go on a diet".

I swear I haven't said a word and am not thinking anything about them.....just knowing I run makes them feel judged.

I think it activates peoples' insecurities.


----------



## Ol'Pal

All husbands care. End of story.


----------



## browser

Ol'Pal said:


> All husbands care. End of story.


Blind one's might not.

Just say'en.


----------



## anonmd

Ol'Pal said:


> All husbands care. End of story.


Not true, some do and some don't - within reason. 

Like JLD my wife has varied 40 or 45 pounds over 20 years and it makes little difference to me. I can't say it makes zero difference, but not much. Attitude on the other hand...


----------



## notmyrealname4

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm self conscious about my weight. Since I am so sickly I was a twig most my life. Now I am 155 pounds and 5' 7". :/ Size US 9.
> 
> I wouldn't consider myself fat, but I hate my stomach pooch. My husband says I look fine, but I know he would be upset if I gained anymore. He is super healthy, doesn't drink soda, eats salad everyday, works out everyday, etc. I have a desk job, and love junk food. I've recently started going to the gym, and would love to get down to 135.
> 
> So my husband doesn't speak ill of my weight, but there is some implied pressure there since he is so fit and healthy, and I am a flab. I think my weight makes me more unhappy than it makes him though. I am happy to have some curve now, but I also feel so squishy compared to when I was a size 3.





A cute, curvy owl 

With how sick you get sometimes, Curious, it might not be a bad idea to have an extra 10 pounds to keep you built up a little bit. Not saying it's okay to be fat; just that with your medical history, I wouldn't be trying to starve or hyperexercise.


----------



## jld

Middle of Everything said:


> I know I am probably going to regret opening this door, but here goes....
> 
> I agree that a little weight fluctuation not affecting ones attraction is a good thing. We are humans and we age. We aren't machines.
> 
> But your mood never affects his attraction? REGARDLESS of what you say or do?? How is that good? How does that not make you little more than a sex doll that he uses to get off? Regardless of what you say or do? STILL has the same desire and attraction? If it works you for and Dug I guess......


I read this to Dug. He said, "I love you. Why would your mood or your weight affect my attraction to you?"

Some men are just not bothered by these things, MoE.


----------



## TheCuriousWife

notmyrealname4 said:


> A cute, curvy owl
> 
> With how sick you get sometimes, Curious, it might not be a bad idea to have an extra 10 pounds to keep you built up a little bit. Not saying it's okay to be fat; just that with your medical history, I wouldn't be trying to starve or hyperexercise.


lol. When I get sick I stop eating and loose about 10 pounds. But when I feel better again I eat like a cow and gain it all back. 

My lowest weight was 105 pounds after 10 days in the hospital. But that was back before we were married and when I normally only weighed about 125. So you can see how going from 105 to 155 makes me feel like a chunky money.


----------



## Ol'Pal

browser said:


> Blind one's might not.
> 
> Just say'en.



I stand corrected :nerd:


----------



## Itwasjustafantasy

Not my husband. Or not quite as much as many other men. I think he cares more about his own physical ppearance than mine. He used to do bodybuilding contests and more recently strong man contests (unfortunately due to an injury that is now over) and so he is very aware of how he can manipulate his diet and exercise to obtain the results he wants to see in himself. 
With that said, he and I have discussed this issue at length (mainly because I have brought it up, much to his annoyance) and he does admit that he would not find me physically attractive were I to reach 200lbs. or more. But the main reason is because he knows that there is no way I'd be a happy person should that happen. What he wants the most is for me to be happy and confident in my own skin. He knows that if feel ashamed of my appearance, I won't feel sexy and thus our sex life would suffer greatly. That is his primary concern in regards to my weight.


----------



## browser

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> he does admit that he would not find me physically attractive were I to reach 200lbs. or more. But the main reason is because he knows that there is no way I'd be a happy person should that happen.


That's not it.


----------



## Itwasjustafantasy

browser said:


> That's not it.


So you know my husband better than I do? Fine. I do know that men in general care more about the physical appearance of their spouses. Gaining weight for the most part is something one can control (not easy but barring most genetic/health issues, manageable). If my husband cares so much about my weight, I shudder to think how much he cares about what will inevitably happen to my body as I age. That I cannot control (and I seriously wouldn't ever consider plastic surgery, ever). I will be all wrinkly, my boobs will probably sag, etc etc. Yikes. Will he have to replace me for someone much younger then? 
I know we are only talking about weight here but weight is part of one's physical appearance. 
In any event. I am glad I don't care about physical appearance whatsoever and I know I will continue to find him ridiculously sexy as he gets older. But that's just me. Perhaps that is one big fear I have that he will not feel the same way about me when I am 60 or beyond. :frown2:


----------

