# Please help, I’m losing my husband…



## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

My husband has been losing interest in me and it is getting to a point that feels like there is no return. At this point I’m not sure what to do to spark his interest in me. He has no desire to spend time with me, he does not seem to be attracted to me anymore, the intimacy has changed, I seem unable to make him happy, etc. Right now, we feel more like roommates than spouses. 

I am not willing to give up on my marriage or take the easy path out than so many seem to take. I know it is a rough patch in our marriage. Maybe things were getting stale. 

What can I do to get my husband more interested in me so we can start working on this?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am sorry to have to say this but there is probably a good chance that he is having and affair. You need to go into detective mode.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

How old are each of you?
Do you have kids?
How long have you known each other & been married?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


said every betrayed spouse, ever. 

anyway, if you are certain its not an affair, then we will need more details. any life changing events? unusual stress? health issues? 

has he voiced any legitimate complaints about you or something you have done?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Have you talked to him about it? How long has it been going on? There could be another reason. For example, he might have ED and he's too embarrassed to start something he can't finish, even if he desires you. Are you still getting along well as friends?


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

We have been married for 11 years, together for 14 years. We have 4 children (ages 4-11). I’m 29 and my husband is 42. 

I know that he is not having an affair. Not a chance. We haven’t had any life changing events or major health problems. His father did pass away, however that was after this problem started and he was not very close to his father. We have been renovating his fathers house, and trying to decide if we are going to keep it or sell it. There has been some stress, but nothing terrible. Something that we have fought about lately is having another child. For a while I have felt like I want one more, he is totally done. His decision is mostly due to age. I am okay with that decision, but it has caused some stress and disagreements. 

He does complain about things that I do (or don’t do), which he never use to do. For example, if I cook something wrong he will complain about it where before he’d never say anything. If something isn’t working for him intimately, he stops the whole thing rather than changing it up or saying nothing. We don’t have similar hobbies, it hasn’t been an issue before. If I wear something that he doesn’t like he points it out. All of the above in a rude way, not constructive. 

It feels like he is bored of me. We do not have many common interests. He has expressed interest in me picking up one of his hobbies, like golf. I’ve tried it, I’ve done lessons, I’ve gone with him, it’s not something that I’ve been able to pick up and I just frustrate him. He no longer wants me to go with him and wants that time as part of his personal time. That in itself is fine. 

We have talked about it, at least I have tried. He tends to say that nothing has changed, it’s just the way it is, or that I’ve given up on trying. To him I’m not putting in effort anymore, even though I feel like I am putting in more. It has been going on for about a year. I don’t think ED is a problem. We do have intimacy, it’s just different. It doesn’t feel intimate anymore, if that makes sense without going into personal details. 

I don't really feel like we are friends. More like roommates who live together but have no relationship outside of that. We don't fight a lot. Outside of everything above we probably get along fine. It just seems like I'm his last resort.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Porn?

How much porn it he watching?


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

He says that he watches once or twice a week, just enough to get the job done.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

I recently separated from my husband after a long uphill battle. I thought he wasn't having an affair, and technically he wasn't, but he left me and two months later latched onto a younger woman. It was only supposed to be a trial separation but the point is that I never thought he was capable of even that so even though you think you know someone they can turn around and supprise you. So it's still a possibility that he's not being faithful sorry to say it. But either way, I hope you find a way to save your marriage, good luck.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

brennan said:


> He says that he watches once or twice a week, just enough to get the job done.


He says!

Who the heck is going to say differently when there neglecting their partner?

And if your desiring more then he should be having sex with you instead of using porn.


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

He might be having an affair. Even if it's just an emotional one. Still counts as long as things are said. I never understood why people can clearly see situations in which bad things can happen but then exclude themselves from it by thinking that it magically cannot happen to them. I hope that it's not happening, but realistically, you need to understand that it is still a possibility unfortunately.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

brennan said:


> He says that he watches once or twice a week, just enough to get the job done.


He needs to stop doing this and focus all of his sexual energies and desire on you.


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

Also try focusing on your life. If he's lost interest (not accusing)but a lot of the time it's because women tend to forget who they are or lose their identities a bit. Pursue your interests, be passionate, the women he originally fell for and if it was going to work then it will work. THat's all you can do. At the end of the day, you still cant control what others do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Do yourself a favor check your phone bill. Listen, I hope will all my heart you are right and he isn't having and affair. It's just I have read hundreds of threads in the last 2 years and they could be pretty much the same post as yours.

So do yourself a favor, check your phone bill, check his computer. And if he has a smart phone check his text and see if he has any strange apps on it. 

Again I know this is painful and very hard, but the patterns are all the same. Unfortunately it's common and they all follow the same pattern.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP:

What things are important to him? Job? Sex? Hobby? Friends?  Are you sure you know?

What things are important to you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@brennan

Are you a stay at home mom (SAHM)?

The help you need is much more than we can give on this forum, but I have some book suggestions.

If you are a SAHM: *The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands*


*Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner Davis

In Divorce Busting, pay extra attention to the chapter about introducing change into the environment... you need to get his attention again. It tells you how.


*"Love Busters" * & *"His Needs, Her Needs"* -> the links to these two books are in my signature block below. Read them in this order and do the work that they say to do. Once the two of you are getting along better, see if you can get him to read the books with you and do the work with you.


You can also hang around here and we can give you moral support and input, and we hope you do.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Stress and having 4 kids and wanting another kid can put him over the edge.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yeah, I thought my spouse wasn't having an affair either after experiencing the same thing you are right now, but my story is pretty much the same as Silverbird, but he didn't bother waiting months. Three weeks after I left the house so we could "work on the marriage" he was shagging his "just a friend" in our bed. Five days after that was our 13th wedding anniversary. That's how little he could give a toss. Tell me a year ago that he was capable of that, I wouldn't have believed you. No way, I would've thought, even basic human decency would stop him, but alas, it didn't.

Anyway, the point is, you are possibly on the road to your own private hell. Brace yourself and believe that you can get through it. Start thinking about what you would do if the worst happened. Plan ahead.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

the only things i can think of that might make sense based on the info you have provided is 

1) he is having an affair. simplest possible explanation based on the information you have given.

2) he has unresolved issues with his father

3) he is getting old and resents your youth. 

beyond that, i cant see much that makes sense.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all let’s back up here.What the hell was a twenty eight year old man doing dating a fifteen year old teenager.
Also it seems you were pregnant when you got married.Did he feel he had to marry you.
I always think in these situations to follow the money.Does he resent maybe having to share his inheritance with you or is he thinking about the single life.
You seem very confident that he is not having an affair,is there actual proof of this,is there a physical problem that prevents this happening?You need to provide more information to get the best advice.


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## LostAndy (Mar 9, 2018)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


Trust the comments, you will be the last to know because you TRUST him and don't want to believe he is having an affair. But, if he has no interest in YOU, then he must have interest in SOMEBODY. Sorry, but it seems people cheat. Good news, he's a he, and it could just be a sexual affair.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He most definitely resents you, as evidenced by his behavior.

In your opinion,what may be some of his reasons for this treatment? I mean the intolerance and "boredom" you described?

He may not be having an affair, but he may be eyeing or in the initial stages of engaging with someone else.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Do yourself a favor check your phone bill. Listen, I hope will all my heart you are right and he isn't having and affair. It's just I have read hundreds of threads in the last 2 years and they could be pretty much the same post as yours.
> 
> So do yourself a favor, check your phone bill, check his computer. And if he has a smart phone check his text and see if he has any strange apps on it.
> 
> Again I know this is painful and very hard, but the patterns are all the same. Unfortunately it's common and they all follow the same pattern.


I don’t want to snoop on him like that. Marriages are supposed to be about trust, no? I don’t want to believe that there is even a possibility of him having an affair. I could see it, but I don’t want to. It is something that has worried me at points in our marriage, for nothing other than my own insecurities. He’s spent years telling me and promising me that he would never stray form the marriage. For him to turn around and do it… He wouldn’t. 



annierose7995 said:


> Also try focusing on your life. If he's lost interest (not accusing)but a lot of the time it's because women tend to forget who they are or lose their identities a bit. Pursue your interests, be passionate, the women he originally fell for and if it was going to work then it will work. THat's all you can do. At the end of the day, you still cant control what others do.


I have made an effort to get back into things that interest me, but with 4 children it is hard. 3 of our children are homeschooled. He is happy to see me going and doing things that I want to do, if I find the time to do it. I will have to put more effort into that.



chillymorn69 said:


> He says!
> 
> Who the heck is going to say differently when there neglecting their partner?
> 
> And if your desiring more then he should be having sex with you instead of using porn.


For most of our marriage I haven’t cared whether or not he watched porn. In the past few months I have cared, because he is choosing that over intimacy with me. He normally has a very high sex drive. 



jlcrome said:


> Stress and having 4 kids and wanting another kid can put him over the edge.


It is possible that a number of small stressors have added up and are causing a lot of stress. I have dropped adding one more child to our family. He's totally against the idea, so we are done. I'm ok with that. If it is just a lot of built up stress, what can I do to help that?



breeze said:


> Yeah, I thought my spouse wasn't having an affair either after experiencing the same thing you are right now, but my story is pretty much the same as Silverbird, but he didn't bother waiting months. Three weeks after I left the house so we could "work on the marriage" he was shagging his "just a friend" in our bed. Five days after that was our 13th wedding anniversary. That's how little he could give a toss. Tell me a year ago that he was capable of that, I wouldn't have believed you. No way, I would've thought, even basic human decency would stop him, but alas, it didn't.
> 
> Anyway, the point is, you are possibly on the road to your own private hell. Brace yourself and believe that you can get through it. Start thinking about what you would do if the worst happened. Plan ahead.


I'm sorry that your husband did that  It's not somewhere that I even want to let my mind go. 



Andy1001 said:


> First of all let’s back up here.What the hell was a twenty eight year old man doing dating a fifteen year old teenager.
> Also it seems you were pregnant when you got married.Did he feel he had to marry you.
> I always think in these situations to follow the money.Does he resent maybe having to share his inheritance with you or is he thinking about the single life.
> You seem very confident that he is not having an affair,is there actual proof of this,is there a physical problem that prevents this happening?You need to provide more information to get the best advice.


I was pregnant when we married, but he did not feel forced to marry me. All of our children were planned and we planned on getting married. We married as soon as we could. I don’t think this is related to money. 

He just isn’t the type of man to have an affair. He works a lot, when he’s off work he’s usually either out with friends or at home. There is no time for his to be having an affair. It's not as if he goes off and disappears for days at a time.



LostAndy said:


> Trust the comments, you will be the last to know because you TRUST him and don't want to believe he is having an affair. But, if he has no interest in YOU, then he must have interest in SOMEBODY. Sorry, but it seems people cheat. Good news, he's a he, and it could just be a sexual affair.


How is that good news?  “just a sexual affair”. Just?



uhtred said:


> OP:
> 
> What things are important to him? Job? Sex? Hobby? Friends? Are you sure you know?
> 
> What things are important to you?


A year or two ago I would have said sex, hobbies and alone time. Sex was a daily occurrence and he would get frustrated if we went a couple days without. He spent a lot of time on his hobbies, mainly golf. Either on the course or doing things at home with his swing or equipment. He puts a high value on alone time at home, always has. 

Now, I would say his job, hobbies, friends and our house. He puts a lot more emphasis on his job now than he did before. He was promoted to a different office, and is a lot happier there. He spends more time with friends now than he did before. He works a lot and use to come straight home but now he goes out with friends after work 2-3 times a week. He works with a male friend who he has known most of his life. He still puts a lot of emphasis on his hobbies, but has less time to do them. He has never been a handyman. Recently he has taken to doing a lot of projects around our house, after we started renovating his dad’s house. 

Things that are important to me was a bit harder for me to think of. My life revolves around our family. Spending time with him, which doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Intimacy with him, I feel less bonded to him when we don’t have that connection. Our kids and their home-schooling. I put a lot of effort and time into it and it is very important to me. It’s something that my husband seems to have no interest in. 



EleGirl said:


> @brennan
> 
> Are you a stay at home mom (SAHM)?
> 
> The help you need is much more than we can give on this forum, but I have some book suggestions.


I am a stay at home mom. Our youngest three kids are homeschooled, our oldest started public school last fall. 

Thank you for the book recommendations, I am going to order the first two and start there.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Combined post with above.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brennan said:


> Combined post with above.


You didn’t answer my question what was a twenty eight year old doing dating a fifteen year old but that’s ok.
You seem to be under the impression that your husband has to disappear for days on end before you would even consider that he is cheating.
Nothing could be further from the truth.Most affairs happen in the workplace and you seem very naive if you think because he tells you he is out with friends that he actually is with friends.
You need to start investigating.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> You didn’t answer my question what was a twenty eight year old doing dating a fifteen year old but that’s ok.
> You seem to be under the impression that your husband has to disappear for days on end before you would even consider that he is cheating.
> Nothing could be further from the truth.Most affairs happen in the workplace and you seem very naive if you think because he tells you he is out with friends that he actually is with friends.
> You need to start investigating.


How do most affairs happen at the workplace? Everyone that he works with knows he is married, his company has a non-fraternization policy, and all of the offices are glass. Everyone can see everything. 

I have seen messages to and from his friends. He'd be stupid to use them as an alibi, I could just ask them if he was out with them. They are all married, they wouldn't support him having an affair.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

While I certainly hope this isn't the case, the fact that you are adamant about your H not having an affair is to your absolute detriment. You are being naive. Classic signs of being critical of your clothing and cooking. I get that you don't want to snoop, but if you did, you might see why he's acting the way he is.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> While I certainly hope this isn't the case, the fact that you are adamant about your H not having an affair is to your absolute detriment. You are being naive. Classic signs of being critical of your clothing and cooking. I get that you don't want to snoop, but if you did, you might see why he's acting the way he is.


I don't want him to be having an affair...  There has to be a different reason for his actions. It's just a bad patch. He wouldn't have an affair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're in the bury your head in the sand phase.

Until you pull your head out of the sand and are willing to entertain all possibilities, including affairs, nobody can help you. 

Something to consider: what you call "the easy way out" is actually the much harder path. What you're doing is the easy way...you don't have to make tough decisions, you don't have to turn your life upside down by kicking him out, etc. Burying your head in the sand is the easy way....you don't even want to "snoop" because you don't want to know.

Doesn't get much easier then that.....you don't have to deal with anything.

Kicking him out or telling him you're almost done might actually wake him up, and it is much harder then the path of denial you're on right now. If he's having an affair there might be steps you can take to break it up.

You can't do anything because you don't know what you're dealing with.

But covering your ears and pretending not to hear changes nothing.

And anyone who thinks workplace affairs don't happen has clearly never been in the workplace.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


I'm just going to sit back and watch this thread play out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

brennan said:


> He says that he watches once or twice a week, just enough to get the job done.


""getting the job done" means that he is draining the tank on his own and leaving nothing left for you. 

Your husband is having an affair and has shifted his time, energy, affections and connection over to the mistress. 

What we don't know at this time is if the mistress is a flesh and blood person or is porn. 

And porn makes a mighty powerful mistress. She doesn't want another mouth to feed and set of diapers to change. She doesn't get angry when he sits around doing nothing or is out with friends all the time. She doesn't ask him to go see her parents or siblings or hang out with her friends. She doesn't want him to rub her feet. She doesn't nag him to do more with the kids or help her take care of them. she doesn't need to vent and complain about all the things that irked her off during the course of the day. She is always there ready, willing and able to indulge him even if there are dirty dishes in the sink or no clean clothes in the house. She doesn't need cars or houses or hot tubs. And she doesn't care if he leaves his dirty underwear and socks laying around. 

All Mistress Porn wants is for him to spend more and more time and energy transfixed in front of the screen. 

You can put your head in the sand all you want, but your husband is being unfaithful and is cheating you out of the love, affection, attention and sexuality that you deserve. The mistress may be porn, or it may be a real person. But his time, attention and affections are going elsewhere while you go without. 

You need to do an honest and sincere and legitimate investigation to see if there is another flesh and blood person involved. That does NOT MEAN ASKING HIM. He will just say no. An investigation means getting into his phone records, email accounts, social media accounts, looking through the house for a hidden cell phone, checking bank statements and credit card accounts and putting a voice activated recorder in his car (many WS's talk to their AP in the car)

Once you have made a thorough and legitimate search for another woman and can legitimately rule that out - then you need to address the porn. 

Treat the porn as you would another woman and either toss him out and get the best child support and spousal support and asset division that you can in the divorce. Or demand that he stop the affair dead in it's tracks and reconcile a happy and healthy relationship with you. 

Porn is an affair. It is an affair every bit as much as with a flesh and blood person, it is just with an electronic screen instead. It may be a computer but the results and effects are the same. 

He is getting satisfied and satiated a number of times a week with a computer and leaving you out in the cold with nothing. How is that not like an affair?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> brennan said:
> 
> 
> > We have been married for 11 years, together for 14 years. We have 4 children (ages 4-11). I’m 29 and my husband is 42.
> ...


Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one doing the math here!

So when you started dating, you were 15 and he was 28, and you got married when you were 18 and he was 31? You had your first child when you were 18? Before or after the wedding?

So you're now about the age he was when you met. Would YOU date a 15-year-old boy?

You did a lot of maturing over the 14 years of your relationship, from age 15 to 29. Him, from age 28 to 42, much much less. You've changed, he hasn't. I think this relationship began on shaky ground, and never stabilized.

And maybe it's the cynic in me, but tell me, is your 11-year-old a girl? She might just be reaching his desired maturity level in a partner. There may very well be an affair going on, in your own home, under your own nose, with your own child.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I honestly hope you are right about him not cheating, but don't give this more free time by not taking an active role in finding out what is behind his disatisfaction with you and the marriage.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one doing the math here!
> 
> So when you started dating, you were 15 and he was 28, and you got married when you were 18 and he was 31? You had your first child when you were 18? Before or after the wedding?
> 
> ...


*NO.* Absolutely not. Don't even go there. My husband is not a pedophile and would never harm any of our daughters. Absolutely not.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He started a new job, is spending more time working, goes out 2-3 times a week with co-workers....

If he's not in an office affair, then he likes someone he works with and is at least having a one-sided EA. At least.

Sorry, but I would check his phone. These things play out like they're following the same script.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
on your list of things that are important to him, sex seemed to disappear (unless you missed it, or I misunderstood). Has he been turning you down for sex, or has he stopped asking, or have you been turning him down (possibly with very good reasons). Is there any sexual mismatch between you - do you enjoy different things in bed?

Sex is an important bonding agent in a marriage. Sometimes when it goes bad, other things just sort of fall apart.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

brennan said:


> *NO.* Absolutely not. Don't even go there. My husband is not a pedophile and would never harm any of our daughters. Absolutely not.


He, at 28, started dating you when you were 15. That's not normal.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're in the bury your head in the sand phase.
> 
> Until you pull your head out of the sand and are willing to entertain all possibilities, including affairs, nobody can help you.
> 
> ...


How am I supposed to accept that easily that my husband of 11 years, my children’s father, is having an affair? 

I can’t kick him out of the house… He’s my children’s father. Maybe a serious talk could be beneficial but I can’t kick him out of his own house. If I snoop and find nothing that makes me the bad guy for trusting internet strangers over my husband. 

When would he be having an affair? He can’t at work, there is just no way. Can’t there be another explanation for his behaviour? 



oldshirt said:


> ""getting the job done" means that he is draining the tank on his own and leaving nothing left for you.
> 
> Your husband is having an affair and has shifted his time, energy, affections and connection over to the mistress.
> 
> ...


I’d rather he be watching porn than having sex with another woman. Either way I’m not satisfying him enough, but at least with porn he wouldn’t be with another woman. It would be easier to protect my family and put an end to it. If it’s just porn he’d tell me if I ask. He doesn’t hide the fact that he watches porn. 

I don’t know what WS’s means. Or AP. 



Bibi1031 said:


> I honestly hope you are right about him not cheating, but don't give this more free time by not taking an active role in finding out what is behind his disatisfaction with you and the marriage.


Peoples opinions here are messing with my head. I came hear knowing that he wasn’t having an affair. This post wasn’t “my husband is having an affair”, I wanted to get the spark back. Now I don’t know what I think. 



alte Dame said:


> He started a new job, is spending more time working, goes out 2-3 times a week with co-workers....
> 
> If he's not in an office affair, then he likes someone he works with and is at least having a one-sided EA. At least.
> 
> Sorry, but I would check his phone. These things play out like they're following the same script.



What is EA? I cannot see how he would have an affair at his workplace. He works with one of his closest friends, who has no tolerance for cheating. The whole office knows that he is married and our kids have been there. He would be fired for having a relationship with a co-worker and there is no privacy in that building at all. I am not saying that he’s not, I’m saying that I cannot see it. 

I don’t have access to his phone, he has work information on there. 



uhtred said:


> OP
> on your list of things that are important to him, sex seemed to disappear (unless you missed it, or I misunderstood). Has he been turning you down for sex, or has he stopped asking, or have you been turning him down (possibly with very good reasons). Is there any sexual mismatch between you - do you enjoy different things in bed?
> 
> Sex is an important bonding agent in a marriage. Sometimes when it goes bad, other things just sort of fall apart.


Sex has disappeared from his priority list, in my opinion. We use to have sex every day and that was very important to him, he needed it. He initiated 90% of the time. Now I initiated most of the time and maybe 50% of the time he will take me up on the offer. Other times he’s “not in the mood”. When we do have sex he doesn’t have problems. It’s more like the opposite. He takes a lot longer, which in itself isn’t a problem, but it seems like I'm not doing it for him anymore. His likes seem to have changed, nothing I do is good for him and he wants different things. Even though we are being intimate, it doesn’t feel intimate. 



Hopeful Cynic said:


> He, at 28, started dating you when you were 15. That's not normal.


It may have been unconventional but that does not make him a pedophile. Even by definition, because a pedophile is interested in prepubescent children.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brennan said:


> How am I supposed to accept that easily that my husband of 11 years, my children’s father, is having an affair?
> 
> I can’t kick him out of the house… He’s my children’s father. Maybe a serious talk could be beneficial but I can’t kick him out of his own house. If I snoop and find nothing that makes me the bad guy for trusting internet strangers over my husband.
> 
> ...


Please calm down,take a few deep breaths.
The reason so many here are telling you that your husband MAY be cheating is because we have seen it all before.Working late,going out with “friends”,loss of sex drive etc are classic signs of a wayward husband.
You need to start quietly investigating and your first move should be to check his phone and personal laptop or tablet for excessive messaging or calls.
EA=Emotional affair.
AP= Affair partner.
WS= Wayward spouse.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It may be that he is losing interest in you because you are older now. Your body would have changed after giving birth. Has he expressed that he is still attracted to you since you became a mother?

I'm not trying to be nasty. My own experience with a spouse going for someone 16 years younger than me who didn't have his children has certainly affected my view of the world, but it does beg the question.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

brennan said:


> Something that we have fought about lately is having another child. For a while I have felt like I want one more, he is totally done. His decision is mostly due to age. I am okay with that decision, but it has caused some stress and disagreements.
> 
> .


Could this be the reason? He's afraid of getting you pregnant? Are you on any birth control?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So pretending it's not happening makes it so?

Is that what you plan to teach your kids?

Who cares if you snoop and find nothing. You're married and shouldn't have secrets from each other. 

Burying your head and hoping he comes around almost guarantees he won't. 

Your refusal to consider all possibilities is contributing to the failure of your marriage. Sometimes adults have to do hard things and make hard decisions.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Please calm down,take a few deep breaths.
> The reason so many here are telling you that your husband MAY be cheating is because we have seen it all before.Working late,going out with “friends”,loss of sex drive etc are classic signs of a wayward husband.
> You need to start quietly investigating and your first move should be to check his phone and personal laptop or tablet for excessive messaging or calls.
> EA=Emotional affair.
> ...


But it doesn’t necessarily mean he is having an affair, right? He works more because his new position is more depending. He spends more time with friends because he now works with a close friend of his and they share many mutual friends. 



breeze said:


> It may be that he is losing interest in you because you are older now. Your body would have changed after giving birth. Has he expressed that he is still attracted to you since you became a mother?
> 
> I'm not trying to be nasty. My own experience with a spouse going for someone 16 years younger than me who didn't have his children has certainly affected my view of the world, but it does beg the question.


He isn’t losing interest in my because I’m not a teenager anymore… This is why I didn’t even want to post ages. If anything, I feel like he is losing interest because I’m not old enough. We didn’t have problems following the births of any of our children. Our youngest is 4 and these issues started 2 years ago at most. 



lucy999 said:


> Could this be the reason? He's afraid of getting you pregnant? Are you on any birth control?


It’s possible, and something that I should talk to him about. He is adamant that he does not want anymore kids. He would get a vasectomy if he wasn’t nervous about the procedure. He knows that I’m open to one more. I have an IUD. It could explain some things. I can talk to him about it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

brennan said:


> When would he be having an affair? He can’t at work, there is just no way. Can’t there be another explanation for his behaviour?
> 
> . . .
> 
> ...


Look, we are not posting these things to mess with your head. We are posting our ideas and information from roads well traveled with infidelity so that you can see this might be a reason. I am not saying he is having an affair, but I see some red flags Indicating as such. The criticizing your clothing and cooking. His going out with his friends at night. Does he use his work phone for personal reasons? If so, does the Company allow that? And, it doesn't make one whit of difference if his Friends and coworkers are against infidelity. It also doesn't matter that the kids have been to the office. None of that matters. 

And again, this is not said to mess with your head, but to make you realize to Never Say Never. I cannot tell you how many people I've seen on this forum say, oh s/he would never have an affair. Where would s/he find the time? Only to find out that s/he was. you would be amazed at when and where people have affairs if they want to bad enough.

What does your H do for lunch every day?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are describing an experience that points to your husband's losing interest in you and no longer being sexually attracted and engaged.

There are lots of reasons for this:

- He finds you a mismatch for his intellect.
- He finds you a mismatch for his interests.
- He is changing/growing with his life and work and is outgrowing you; i.e., the two of you are growing into incompatibility for him.
- He is attracted to someone else & you look like Plan B to him.
- The monotony of family life means that you are not doing it for him anymore.
etc.

It can be any or all of the above. He can be deciding that he's not attracted to you, which makes an affair more likely, or he could be interested in an affair, which makes you less attractive. Chicken and egg.

All we are saying is that anything you try to do to rekindle his interest will be in vain if he is in an affair. Therefore, you should check that first.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> Look, we are not posting these things to mess with your head. We are posting our ideas and information from roads well traveled with infidelity so that you can see this might be a reason. I am not saying he is having an affair, but I see some red flags Indicating as such. The criticizing your clothing and cooking. His going out with his friends at night. Does he use his work phone for personal reasons? If so, does the Company allow that? And, it doesn't make one whit of difference if his Friends and coworkers are against infidelity. It also doesn't matter that the kids have been to the office. None of that matters.
> 
> And again, this is not said to mess with your head, but to make you realize to Never Say Never. I cannot tell you how many people I've seen on this forum say, oh s/he would never have an affair. Where would s/he find the time? Only to find out that s/he was. you would be amazed at when and where people have affairs if they want to bad enough.
> 
> What does your H do for lunch every day?


I don’t know how to accept the idea of him even possibly having an affair. 

His phone is his personal phone, but it has his work email and documents on it. It is allowed, but his phone has to be password protected and no one else can have access to it. He brings his work laptop home most nights, but that is also password protected and locked in his briefcase. He only uses that for work purposes. 

I still don’t see how none of it matters. His friends wouldn’t cover infidelity up for him, his workplace doesn’t allow fraternization and surely someone would have noticed something by now, meaning he’d be fired. I understand the behaviour side of the suspicion, but not the how/when/where possibilities. 

He usually walks across the street to a sandwich shop, then takes it back to his office and eats while working. 



alte Dame said:


> You are describing an experience that points to your husband's losing interest in you and no longer being sexually attracted and engaged.
> 
> There are lots of reasons for this:
> 
> ...


Are those problems solvable? 

Where am I even supposed to start if I cannot just ask him for the truth? I don’t know how I’d know if he was having an affair or not. It's not like I'm going to walk in on him with another woman, I'm always home.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Are you putting your husband's needs first, before the children's and your own?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

brennan said:


> He isn’t losing interest in my because I’m not a teenager anymore… This is why I didn’t even want to post ages. If anything, I feel like he is losing interest because I’m not old enough. We didn’t have problems following the births of any of our children. Our youngest is 4 and these issues started 2 years ago at most.


I think that you need to see this moment of reflection and questioning as an opportunity. It took me way too long to see my own opportunities. I am struggling right now to not be defined by my failed marriage, or by the choices someone else has made, or even by my motherhood. That road leads to the wrong places.

Who are you really? If you take your husband and your children out of the equation, who are you? Does your husband see a partner, or does he merely see a wife and mother of his children (note that the last is not the powerful wording people pretend it is, it is merely a bi-product). What else do you have in your life that is interesting, that inspires you, that makes you want to get up in the morning?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I would start then by having a come to jesus talk with him. Tell him you've noticed these changes, talk candidly about it, especially his not wanting anymore children and you wanting one more. Go from there.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> Are you putting your husband's needs first, before the children's and your own?


I have seen the information about putting yourself first, followed by your marriage, then the children. I don’t know how well I do that. If I am in dire need of some “me time”, I try to make that happen. If my husband and I are having a moment and one of my children wants me to play with them, they are told to wait. I’m sure it is a lot less now, because he no longer has the desire to spend time with me and doesn’t seem to notice things that I do for him. A few weeks ago I arranged for our children to spend the night away from home and surprised my husband with a date night. He had no interest. We went out for dinner, I was dressed nicely and he dressed down. Literally, he changed out of his work suit, which wouldn’t have been ideal but better than ripped jeans and a D&D t-shirt. When we got home he was “too tired” to spend more time with me and went to his office until 3AM. 



breeze said:


> I think that you need to see this moment of reflection and questioning as an opportunity. It took me way too long to see my own opportunities. I am struggling right now to not be defined by my failed marriage, or by the choices someone else has made, or even by my motherhood. That road leads to the wrong places.
> 
> Who are you really? If you take your husband and your children out of the equation, who are you? Does your husband see a partner, or does he merely see a wife and mother of his children (note that the last is not the powerful wording people pretend it is, it is merely a bi-product). What else do you have in your life that is interesting, that inspires you, that makes you want to get up in the morning?


I am a wife and mother. If I was stripped of those, I don’t know what or who I would be. I know that’s the wrong answer. In a way, that is what I have always been. I get up every morning to be with my daughters. That’s what I love and what I’m good at. When they have all grown and moved out of the house, I think I’ll feel lost and empty. 



lucy999 said:


> I would start then by having a come to jesus talk with him. Tell him you've noticed these changes, talk candidly about it, especially his not wanting anymore children and you wanting one more. Go from there.


I am going to try and speak with him about it again, hopefully tonight. We have spoken about it, but he dismisses the problem, blames it on me, or says it’s just how it is now. I’m okay with not having any more children. I’d love one more, and feel like there is one more for our family, but it’s not something that I want more than my family. I would never break up my family over it. We already have 4 amazing children, it’s not like we have none. I do think that may have something to do with his behaviour change so it is worth talking about.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

You mentioned his father died & him having to deal with the estate?

He could be dealing with past angst of unresolved issues with his dad.

Not to mention he could be realizing his own mortality. Having to go thru a parents belongings and deal with them can depress a person. You realize that your father worked his whole life, raised a family, and now is 6 ft under. You start questioning where/what you want to do before YOU are 6 ft under.

Doesn't mean you don't love your wife & family, just a lot on your mind.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> We have been married for 11 years, together for 14 years. We have 4 children (ages 4-11). I’m 29 and my husband is 42.
> 
> I know that he is not having an affair. Not a chance. We haven’t had any life changing events or major health problems. His father did pass away, however that was after this problem started and he was not very close to his father. We have been renovating his fathers house, and trying to decide if we are going to keep it or sell it. There has been some stress, but nothing terrible. Something that we have fought about lately is having another child. For a while I have felt like I want one more, he is totally done. His decision is mostly due to age. I am okay with that decision, but it has caused some stress and disagreements.
> 
> ...


So you were 15 and he was 28 when you started dating?

I’m done, Sorry but damn. 

Your not the young little girl anymore is what I think the problem is. You will know if it’s true by what porn he watches. I can’t imagine any other reason why your husband has lost interest. Your young and beautiful, just not young enough.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sounds like the communication channels are not as open in the marriage as they need to be. 
Marriage counselling is the only thing I can suggest might be way to find out what is really going on.
It sounds quite likely he is cheating. Partner blaming is a common result of the guilt that arises from cheating. 
An deeply insecure cheater simply cant handle being the bad person and seeks blame elsewhere.
Even if he is not cheating, he is still shifting blame for the situation caused by a breakdown (or total lack) of communication, allowing resolution of issues in your relationship.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

He's having an affair.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


I used to think that, and now I'm divorced. 

It's not for any of us to say that he's having an affair, but never think that your husband is incapable of it. For many here, that is a natural leap to make for your situation. There are a lot of broken hearts and hurt souls on TAM. You can do everything right and still lose your husband. You can't control his actions. All you can do is be the best wife that you know how to be, that is the only thing you can control. If that's not good enough for your husband, then that's his loss and there wasn't anything that you could ever do to change it.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> He needs to stop doing this and focus all of his sexual energies and desire on you.




I’d find out what kind of porn he is watching, so that you know what excites him.
Also have him get his testosterone checked.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brennan said:


> How am I supposed to accept that easily that my husband of 11 years, my children’s father, is having an affair?
> 
> I can’t kick him out of the house… He’s my children’s father. Maybe a serious talk could be beneficial but I can’t kick him out of his own house. If I snoop and find nothing that makes me the bad guy for trusting internet strangers over my husband.
> 
> When would he be having an affair? He can’t at work, there is just no way. Can’t there be another explanation for his behaviour?


Now, can there be another explanation? Yes there can. One is that he likes 15 year old girls. You have become too old for his tastes in females. Especially now that you have all the responsibilities of 4 children.

Have you ever looked at the porn that he uses? How old are the females?

Looking again at the cheating angle... and I'm not suggesting that absolutely he's cheating. 

He goes out with friends from work sometimes? how do you know who he is out with? That could be time for an affair. And just because the people he works with are married, it does not mean that he cannot cheat. For all you know a lot of them are cheating.

You think that doing some snooping would make you the one in the wrong? Nope. There is something very wrong in your marriage and you need to do every thing to find out what, that includes some snooping.

In marriage privacy means that you get to close the door when you are on the toilet. There is no other privacy. Everything you both do should be 100% visible to the other. Trust but verify.

Just about everyone who gets married thinks that their spouse would never cheat. Yet there is infidelity in at least 50% of marriages.

And there is something more for you to consider.. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html It's a long thread, but read to first few pages as they have a lot of info that might help you.

I'm sure you have heard that some women choose to make their marriages sexless. But I'll bet you have never heard that just as many men chose to do the same thing. They get tired of their wife and just don't want sex with her anymore. Look at the statistics in the above thread.

If I were you, I'd try the things in the books I suggested. At the same time you need to be making changes to be more independent so that you can leave this marriage if it does not get better fairly soon.

You can start pursuing some education/training and he can help out with the children more so that you can do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brennan said:


> I don’t know how to accept the idea of him even possibly having an affair.
> 
> His phone is his personal phone, but it has his work email and documents on it. It is allowed, but his phone has to be password protected and no one else can have access to it. He brings his work laptop home most nights, but that is also password protected and locked in his briefcase. He only uses that for work purposes.
> 
> ...


Don't bother asking him for the truth about an affair. If he is having an affair he will lie and tell you that he's not cheating and never would.

When I was married to my son's father, I thought that he would never cheat. Then one day I was emptying his trash that was buy his desk at home and a letter fell out of it. It was a letter from his affair partner. That's how I found out that he was cheating. We were married for 14 years and together for 20. It turned out that he was cheating for all 14 years that we were married.

I remarried a few years after divorcing my son's father. I was absolutely sure that my new husband was the most honest person I had ever met. I thought that because I double checked everything I could. And people who knew him raved about how honest and wonderful he was. After 2 years of marriage, realized that he had left his computer unlocked when he went to bed the night before. And someone was trying to chat with him. I thought it was his mother who is deaf and so she uses chat often. So I sat down to chat with her. It was not his mother. It was one of his girlfriends who he had been dating the entire time we were dating, engaged and married. Yep, he had more than one.

After that I really snooped. He spent a lot of time on his "work" computer and it was full of chats and emails to women. I got it all.

He told me that he would never trust because I snooped. My reply to him was "You can always trust me. I will always do what I must do to protect myself and my son. And if that includes snooping on your cheating ass you better believe I'll do it." He never brought that up again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brennan said:


> I’d rather he be watching porn than having sex with another woman. Either way I’m not satisfying him enough, but at least with porn he wouldn’t be with another woman. It would be easier to protect my family and put an end to it. If it’s just porn he’d tell me if I ask. He doesn’t hide the fact that he watches porn.


Porn can be as damaging to a relationship as an affair. It is literally addictive.






https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

brennan said:


> Are those problems solvable?
> 
> Where am I even supposed to start if I cannot just ask him for the truth? I don’t know how I’d know if he was having an affair or not. It's not like I'm going to walk in on him with another woman, I'm always home.


Yes, it's solvable. But you need to get to the truth somehow. You need to find out what the problem is. He would be the preferable source.

I'm assuming that you're in good shape. If so, then I'd recommend trying to sit your husband down and get to what the issue is. If after multiple attempts he won't open up to you, I'd go to a marital counselor. Find one you like, and then invite him to go with you.

You could also benefit from reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He went to the office until 3 a.m. on date night??!! Really??!! Do you know that for certain, other than him telling you?


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> You mentioned his father died & him having to deal with the estate?
> 
> He could be dealing with past angst of unresolved issues with his dad.
> 
> ...


His father did pass away, yes. He passed away after these problems started, but it could be contributing. He and his dad never got along, even when he was dying my husband didn’t go to visit it. His father was an alcoholic, a cheat, and abusive. He has mentioned that he’s “halfway” over his life, he is 42 his dad was 70. We don’t ever really talk about his dad. 



ABHale said:


> So you were 15 and he was 28 when you started dating?
> 
> I’m done, Sorry but damn.
> 
> Your not the young little girl anymore is what I think the problem is. You will know if it’s true by what porn he watches. I can’t imagine any other reason why your husband has lost interest. Your young and beautiful, just not young enough.


These comments are really pissing me off. 



poida said:


> Sounds like the communication channels are not as open in the marriage as they need to be.
> Marriage counselling is the only thing I can suggest might be way to find out what is really going on.
> It sounds quite likely he is cheating. Partner blaming is a common result of the guilt that arises from cheating.
> An deeply insecure cheater simply cant handle being the bad person and seeks blame elsewhere.
> Even if he is not cheating, he is still shifting blame for the situation caused by a breakdown (or total lack) of communication, allowing resolution of issues in your relationship.


Our communication could be worked on. Any tips on getting an unwilling spouse to go to counselling? 



Pantone429c said:


> I’d find out what kind of porn he is watching, so that you know what excites him.
> Also have him get his testosterone checked.


Is that just a blood test? He wants a vasectomy but not enough to go through with the procedure. 



EleGirl said:


> Now, can there be another explanation? Yes there can. One is that he likes 15 year old girls. You have become too old for his tastes in females. Especially now that you have all the responsibilities of 4 children.
> 
> Have you ever looked at the porn that he uses? How old are the females?
> 
> ...


He does not like teenage girls… No. I don’t have a clue what type of porn he watches, but it’s not going to be teenage girls or child porn. No. The women that he points out as attractive in movies/tv shows are women in the 25-35 age range. We don’t talk specifics about what porn he watches. He is not watching teenager porn.

He goes out with one of his male work colleagues, who he has known for most of his life, they meet up with other mutual friends or go with other friends from work. I’ve asked who he goes out with or who was there, and it is always males or wives. I’ve seen his messages occasionally about plans. I have never caught him in a lie. 

He would get fired if he was have any relationship with someone at the workplace. 

I will read that thread when I get a chance. I ordered the books as well.



lucy999 said:


> He went to the office until 3 a.m. on date night??!! Really??!! Do you know that for certain, other than him telling you?


To clarify, he went to his office at home not his work office. He works from home occasionally.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

So you are home schooling 3 kids yourself?

Is he not making enough money (working all those hours) to afford you some time? Maybe get the kids out of the house a little?

Maybe hit the gym and start working on yourself... be more attractive?
Have you gained significant weight since kid 1? 


I knew a guy that always had 'guys nights' on friday nights... he dedicated that day for himself when he met his girlfriend... and when his girlfriend turned into his wife he continued to have "friday nights" out with the guys. When he started to have affairs he would just do them on friday nights b/c his wife was already accustomed to him having those days with the guys... she never suspected that he could possibly have changed the participants on that day. In closing: Just because your husband says he has golf time, friend time, work time... it doesnt mean he is actually doing that....


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

OP do you and him have date nights?

If other men friends and their wives are going along to do things and hang out, why can't you come?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I have waited to weigh in, since there are plenty of wise and compassionate and straight-up advisors here, but the porn is an issue. It could be a precursor to a full-blown sexual affair with someone, or the two could be happening simultaneously, as they were with my exh. I am convinced he had a series of one night stands and then turned to porn and then pursued the woman he is currently with, now married to. The fact that your h disappeared to his home office until 3 am is a huge red flag. My exh had kidney stones. A very clumsy doctor put in, and took out very painfully, a stent in my h's private part to prevent the quarter-sized kidney stone from passing until surgery could resolve it. My h was never the same. He had ED. He tried using viagra but sex was difficult; the viagra often didn't work, his chest and face would go red, and we later found what I had already believed, that along with the kidney stones he had blood pressure and heart problems. 

The fact that your h mentioned that he is 42 and "half way" through life is also a big red flag. Many affairs are the result of a man or woman trying to get his/her youth back. 

And you really DO need to listen when people tell you that when your h starts criticizing you for something, your hair, your clothes, your cooking, he's looking elsewhere. On a midlife crisis website, there is a post about a man who claimed he lost interest in his wife because she purchased bagged salad and not fresh lettuce. Yeah. When they've decided they have a problem that they have to look outside the marriage to resolve, no effort you make will convince them of better options to resolve their issues. My h told me if he loved me, he wouldn't have ED. Several years later when I mentioned that to him, he acted shocked and swore he never felt that way (in midlife crisis, at its worst when they're coming unglued, they say and do things like that, and later don't remember). But that was long after he'd left me, shacked up with the *****, and everyone knew and he was operating under the guilt (and the excitement and secrecy of the affair had ended). 

He always liked to play internet spades or other games, but he began staying on the computer until 2 or 3 am. He is a man who usually didn't like to go to bed by himself at night and didn't want me staying up to read or watch tv. Then he got to the point where he wasn't coming to bed with me. He would shout at his partners on the internet spades game and make a lot of noise if he lost. I always thought that was odd, but I realized later it was to convince me he really WAS playing internet spades (and he was, but he also had his porn sites open). After he moved out, after confessing to a physical affair, when I cleaned off the computer I found all the porn. I had access to his emails and he was subscribed to several dating sites and a porn site. 

My exh has bipolar disorder. He would swing widely between flights of fantasy/mania and deep deep depression. At the height of his combined guilt for cheating on me and his ecstasy from the secrecy and the excitement, he told me that if he couldn't have sex with a woman, he didn't want to live. In the midst of all this I lost a little bit of weight (I was never heavier than a healthy appropriate weight) and was down to my high school weight and even though he found that attractive, he was fully invested in the affair. He swore he never intended to marry the woman or support her and her child, that is exactly what he is doing now. He tried to cling to me like a drowning man and wanted me to hang on to him but he wasn't capable of saying no to her, fully leaving her, and he let the family confront him and demand that he honor any intentions he had to her. I didn't want to be the one to end our marriage in part because I wanted him to make his own decisions and take responsibility for his actions; and as I learned during this period when I was solidly convinced he had bi polar, I didn't want him coming back to me later and acting like a victim because I ended our relationship. That was naive and stupid and the end was the same. You can only expose the affair if there is one (even with porn), but should only do that when you have proof and let the chips fall where they may. You've been given a lot of advice about where to look and how to investigate if he is cheating; after that, you have a choice and so does he. Don't be afraid of those things. Don't be afraid to speak up and ask questions. I didn't; I thought I was just giving him space because I was clueless and thought he would work through his issues like a man. 

And "oh my husband would NEVER have an affair"? I was the poster child for that mantra. And now I'm divorced and he's married to his affair partner and raising/supporting her last child (the one that the father wouldn't support until paternity was proved), and helping out her two adult children. interestingly she hooked up with him right about the time the child support for the two older ones was ending and she had a three-year old whose daddy wouldn't pay up until it was proved the child was his. This is her fourth marriage. Often people in affairs affair down, but that's a subject for another day. My point is, you could be Barbie and it wouldn't matter. 

I didn't find this site until after most of this had happened; I was reading midlife crisis forums, where the advice is not the same as you get here. Looking back, if I'd found this place and done was suggested, I would have saved myself about 4 years of angst and would have been able to focus on and complete my PhD dissertation. Being in denial, putting my head in the sand, and believing that he was just having problems and issues and that giving him enough space (and trusting him to use the space I gave him to resolve his issues with his health, both mental and physical) cost me more than my marriage. I am not responsible for his affair, but I live with the consequences of not acting sooner when there was incontrovertible proof.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

brennan said:


> Literally, he changed out of his work suit, which wouldn’t have been ideal but better than ripped jeans and a D&D t-shirt. When we got home he was “too tired” to spend more time with me and went to his office until 3AM.


 @brennan, I truly mean no disrespect but you have said over and over he is not having an affair. Why the heck is he going to his office until 3AM when he could be spending time with you? Does he work a night shift usually? Is it a requirement of his job? If not, there is literally NO reason he should be there until Stupid O'clock.

Are you SURE he is going to the office?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Satya: she clarified the office room in their own home...he didn't leave the house


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's talk about 28 year old men that pursue 15 year old girls for a moment. 

It is easy for a girl to be flattered and smitten and think that the reason an adult male is pursuing her is because she is prettier and cuter and sexier and sweeter than women of his own age and so there for he is smitten with her. 

But that is not it. 

The reason a 28 year man pursues a 15 year old girl is because the adult women his age are wise enough and experienced enough to know that he is not good partner material and they have his number and they don't give him the time of day. 

A 28 year old man that pursues a 15 year old girl wants someone that he can manipulate and control and who he can BS and tell her anything she wants to hear and have her buy it. 

There is kind of an unhealthy and dysfunctional Daddy Syndrome between the two where she implicitly trusts his judgement and buys off on what he says. 

She takes his word for everything without looking into it or evaluating it for accuracy as a child implicitly trusts a parent. 

An adult man pursues a teenage girl because she will make a good 'wife-appliance' that does what he says and that he can placate by just telling her what he wants her to think and what he wants her to believe: and she will simply accept it and carry on with her wife-appliance duties while he scams and schemes and gets away with whatever he wants. 

This has been coming to fruition in your marriage. You have been the perfect wife-appliance that believes his stories and falls for his manipulations. 

He is showing every red-flag and sign of cheating in the book, but you buy hook, line and sinker that he would never do such a thing because........ he said he wouldn't. 

Cont......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

But what is going to naturally occur here is you are invariably become an adult. 

You are going to learn to see for yourself and connect the dots. You are starting to see for yourself that his words and his actions don't jive. You are starting to think for yourself.

The reason you are clinging on so tightly to your head-in-the-sand believe that he isn't cheating, is because you know he is. You child heart wants to believe that your Daddy-Figure is all good and is taking care of his little girl; But the growing adult women in you is figuring out he is a snake in the grass. 

You have reached the age and maturity level and experience level of the adult women that wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole back when you were a star-struck teenage girl.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What I and the others are urging you to do is grow up, be an adult and actually investigate his activities and his where abouts for real and not just ask him and not just take his word for it. 

Find out the truth as an adult woman and mother.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.


Oh my gosh If i had a dollar for every time I have seen this posted with a follow up a few weeks or months later that they were in fact cheating.

Ostriches stick their head in the sand as you are. Your husband being older than you... Yes this is a problem. Im sorry but i agree 28 to 15.... No...no way that was mentally healthy for him to do. You on the other hand are still very naive. (Not a criticism) 

Some of the advice and observations are pissing you off, let us analyze that a moment... Often this is because you know they are right but don't want them to be right because that would mean either your actions or your husbands actions were wrong 11 years ago. Who can fix that now? No one. But how you can work through it is acknowledge it. (And you are right, it is not pedophilia, and i agree that is likely not his problem.) 

But your husband is cheating on you. (affair?) but he is cheating, why? You are being lied to. Cheating means to deceive or to use tactics to hide truth... He is not being honest with his time, he is not being honest about anything, and there is your pass to not trust him. To snoop... 

Trust is important in a marriage, but you know what is MORE important? HONESTY....


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Brennen,

You wrote, *His father was an alcoholic, a cheat, and abusive.*

While he might hate that his father was a cheat, the fact that his father WAS a cheat puts him at risk of doing so himself. It's all the small learned behaviors and attitudes he picked up from his father as a child. Sometimes the more we dislike something the more it influences us because it fills so much of our consciousness. 

My W hated her fathers serial cheating but it was a large early influence and likely something that in moments of weakness turns her on. 

BTW I would guess many of the posters here were very shocked to find out that their spouse or SO had cheated on them and assumed they would never do anything like that. 

Tamat


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

All you have to do is be on the look-out. Nowadays it's really easy to cheat. At work it's professional but perhaps a 2-hour lunch or even an afternoon off will give him time. It happens so just be aware. He could also tell you he is going out with his friend but then meet up with someone else. It doesn't have to be with someone at work, it could be someone he met off the internet or even out at a bar.

Your right, it could be from his dad passing away, too hectic at home or even watching too much porn. My spouse watches it as well. Maybe you can entice him to come to bed instead of doing his 'porn thing'. Do house projects together. Or maybe suggest a weekend getaway to get your spark back. 

Just keep an open mind. I personally wouldn't like a locked phone, laptop AND briefcase-- but that's because my spouse keeps his phone unlocked and on the counter and anyone can use his computer.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I think you should explore the "I want to have another kid, but he doesn't" thread of this story.

First, he may be avoiding intimacy to reduce chances of another kid in the family. 

If you have four kids under 11, three of them home-schooled, my hunch is that you have to be 110% focused on family / kid issues all of the time. And with all that you're doing, you're lobbying for a fifth child? He must be wondering if he's ever going to get out of "kid family" mode and into a more sustainable long-term routine. He might see light at the end of the tunnel with the youngest being four years old, but then he has a wife that wants to re-set the family clock once again. 

My hunch is that he's just tired of the responsibility of being the provider, of being a dad. (Even good dads get tired of shouldering the responsbility.) His dad's passing at what would likely be an early age has him potentially realizing that his whole life if going to be spent in family rearing mode. And he has a wife that want to do nothing but keep him in family rearing mode for another five years longer than is the case now.

Even guys who like having their family can get tired of the dynamic. If you're a home-schooling Mom aspiring to expand family further, he probably thinks he's facing a binary choice. Have another kid and kill his chances of ever moving past the family mode. Or hold the line and deal with the disappointment of a spouse he doesn't want to disappoint.

His answer in this case is to just ignore it all - including you - and try to focus on himself a bit. There's nothing more disheartening to a guy than doing a ton to support a family & create a family life and then be essentially told by your spouse that it's not enough. You want more. You want more kids and more time as a stay-at-home supermom. He's detaching because he needs to say "no" for his own sanity but is either resentful (or maybe disappointed in himself) that he has to say no.

Having a large family is great and provides many joys through a lifetime. But there is also the matter of "having too much of a good thing." I would advise that you take a hard long look at the reasons why you want another child and how that addition changes the family dynamics now, five years from now and a decade from now. My hunch is that hubby is taking a look down the road, not liking what he is seeing and trying to figure out a way to make it through day-by-day. You're asking for more than he can give.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I feel trepidation in posting to your thread.

I think you are so naive my rough edges can only hurt.

However, I just can’t help but observe your belief his friends would not cover for him having an affair is astonishingly naive.

They are his friends. Friends don’t rat out friends. I would be really surprised if they would even go so far as to speak up on your behalf.

They probably help him cover, if he asks. I bet not one of them would refuse to lie to you if he said he needed them to.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Can I ask how you met your husband.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

In all honestly, once attraction and interest are lost, there's not much hope in getting it back. Zero intimacy as well isn't a good sign. I suppose you guys could try couple's counselling, or maybe individual counselling to see where you each want to be. This is what happened to my STBXH and I: we grew apart until we were nothing more than roommates. I tried for awhile, but he rarely had time for us, so I gave up. By the end, we had little intimacy, zero spark, and we were pretty much strangers living together. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and move on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You asked what you can do and this is what I would try:

- Rethink the homeschooling; consider putting your children in a school and getting a job for yourself. Being the reliable stay-at-home person while he is out feeling important in his new job is not a good dynamic.

- Hit the gym and focus on being very healthy; take care of you.

- Read up on the 180 to help you detach a bit; this will level the emotional playing field somewhat, which would be a good thing in all cases, I think.

- Settle on a strategy to investigate whether he is involved in an A; check phone/phone bill; read up on red flags for infidelity to educate yourself.

Sometimes, the spouse who is 'out and about' while the other spouse is at home all the time becomes patronizing and bored. Don't let someone treat you that way. Stop letting him make you feel insecure. Do this by finding the determination to grow yourself. Focus on interests that are solely yours. Rediscover your self-confidence.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Speaking from the big age difference side. Me 21 and him 36. Looking back he wanted someone young, dumb and naive..... that was me. I bought into it all. We were married 16 years, he cheated for 7 of those years. I knew something was wrong, couldn’t put my finger on it however so I blamed a lot of it on me, hell he was blaming me all the time. 

It’s okay to pry into his business, I recommend it. If you find nothing all the better, you can look at what else is going on. My ex had a clause in his job regarding cheating and that didn’t stop him. Stop being naive!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> So you are home schooling 3 kids yourself?
> 
> Is he not making enough money (working all those hours) to afford you some time? Maybe get the kids out of the house a little?
> 
> ...


Homeschooling our children was a joint decision. The schools in our area are terrible. We live in a large city (700,000) with many schools and almost all of them have poor ratings. There are two good schools in the area, however we do not live in those districts. We have considered moving, but have not found the right house to push us to make the move. My husband is very picky when it comes to house buying and it would add onto my husbands commute to work, up to and hour each way depending on traffic. Homeschooling was the best choice for our family. Our oldest is in public school, which was her choice. I have a friend come over twice a week, who is a teacher, to work with my two middle children for 2-3 hours. Aside from that, yes I am the one who does the homeschooling my husband does not play a major role in that. He is out of the house for 10-12 hours a day, sometimes up to 14 hours. 

I have suggested hiring a part-time nanny, even for a few hours a week, but my husband does not want to. Financially, it’s not a problem, my husband just does not think it’s necessary. 

I have gained weight from when we married to now. I was 18 years old and barely 100lb before getting pregnant. I lost most of the pregnancy weight immediately with my first and second. I was 110 after two kids. I gained 70lb while pregnant with our 3rd daughter, lost 50 of it within a coulpe weeks. Left me around 130lb. Got pregnant with our 4th, weighed 145 after birth. I struggled to get the weight off and now sit 135. I wasn’t going to stay 100lb forever, and 135 is considered a healthy weight, but I’d like to be less or at least tone up. My husband is attracted to very thin women. 

But if he has been lying about what he’s doing, he could be years into lying and cheating… 



Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> OP do you and him have date nights?
> 
> If other men friends and their wives are going along to do things and hang out, why can't you come?


We do not have date nights anymore. We use to. Once a week we would go out for a few hours. I don’t go out with his friends often for a few reasons. We often don’t have a sitter for the kids, I prefer not to be around his friends, and he likes that alone time. 



oldshirt said:


> Let's talk about 28 year old men that pursue 15 year old girls for a moment.
> 
> It is easy for a girl to be flattered and smitten and think that the reason an adult male is pursuing her is because she is prettier and cuter and sexier and sweeter than women of his own age and so there for he is smitten with her.
> 
> ...


My husband is not a parent figure to me, he is my spouse. We do not have a daddy-daughter relationship, that is disgusting. He does not control what I do and he doesn’t manipulate me. He is not some horrible man that is only with me so he can manipulate and control me all these years. He is my husband, regardless of anything else. 

Why or how we ended up together is irrelevant at this point. 

I am suppose to trust him. I shouldn’t ever have to doubt him. It’s not fair that I’m having to doubt him. I feel like a terrible wife for even considering snooping through his things. I wouldn’t be able to snoop even if I wanted to. His cellphone is locked and I’m not allowed to access it, it has confidential details on it. He has a laptop, which he uses only for work but when it’s at home it’s locked in a briefcase. He has a desktop computer that he uses for personal use, but I don’t know the password because I’ve never needed it. It is not as if I could simply go into his phone and find texts to another woman. 



TAMAT said:


> Brennen,
> 
> You wrote, *His father was an alcoholic, a cheat, and abusive.*
> 
> ...


My husband saw the damage cheating did to his mom and sibling. He swore he would never do it. Wouldn’t seeing that and the damage it does, make him LESS likely to do it to himself and his family? 



MarriedTex said:


> I think you should explore the "I want to have another kid, but he doesn't" thread of this story.
> 
> First, he may be avoiding intimacy to reduce chances of another kid in the family.
> 
> ...


I have never told my husband that he is not enough of a provider for me or our kids. That is not true at all. He loves our children and loves being a dad. 

He doesn’t want another child because he is happy with our family dynamic and doesn’t want another child at his age. I am accepting of that. He doesn’t want a large gap (12 years) between our oldest and youngest. He is 13 years older than his sister and always felt like a 3rd parent not a sibling/child. 

I do not want another child to sit at home and keep popping out kids. I never imagined having 5 children. We both agreed that we wanted 3-4. I have a strong feeling that there is one more for our family, there isn’t and that’s okay. 



Ursula said:


> In all honestly, once attraction and interest are lost, there's not much hope in getting it back. Zero intimacy as well isn't a good sign. I suppose you guys could try couple's counselling, or maybe individual counselling to see where you each want to be. This is what happened to my STBXH and I: we grew apart until we were nothing more than roommates. I tried for awhile, but he rarely had time for us, so I gave up. By the end, we had little intimacy, zero spark, and we were pretty much strangers living together. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and move on.


We still have some intimacy. It’s just not how it use to be and not nearly as often as it use to be. I don’t want to reach the point of no return. Is it too late anyway? He thinks counselling is a waste of money, and time. 



ABHale said:


> Can I ask how you met your husband.


He is the older brother of a friend of mine.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Am I just a complete idiot? I can't even respond to half of the responses without being horribly repetitive or realizing that I sound stupid. Of course his friends would cover for him, they are _his_ friends.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> Am I just a complete idiot? I can't even respond to half of the responses without being horribly repetitive or realizing that I sound stupid. Of course his friends would cover for him, they are _his_ friends.


Not an idiot, just like everyone that comes here saying my spouse would never do that. 

Not saying your husband is cheating, you just need to know it’s possible.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just keep eyes and ears open. Also check and see what type of poem he is looking at. Might give you a clue to what’s going on.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Just keep eyes and ears open. Also check and see what type of poem he is looking at. Might give you a clue to what’s going on.


How am I supposed to know what porn he is looking at?


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

brennan said:


> We do not have date nights anymore. We use to. Once a week we would go out for a few hours. I don’t go out with his friends often for a few reasons. We often don’t have a sitter for the kids, I prefer not to be around his friends, and he likes that alone time.


He works 10-12 hours a day, and is often gone up to 14 hours of the day. He likes being with his friends, and he likes being alone. Where the heck do you fit into his priorities here? 



> It is not as if I could simply go into his phone and find texts to another woman.


Easy. Log in to your online cell phone account. But my guess is you are not 'allowed' to know the log in information to that, as well as his phone, laptop, or desktop. 



> My husband saw the damage cheating did to his mom and sibling. He swore he would never do it. Wouldn’t seeing that and the damage it does, make him LESS likely to do it to himself and his family?


When I met my ex-husband, he was in the midst of consoling his heartbroken mother, who's husband had just left her for another woman.

10 years later he left me in the very same way.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> How am I supposed to know what porn he is looking at?


Check his search history. 

You can also set a cam up for where he looks at it. 

See what you can come up with. Do you know when he does it? Does he look at it with his phone or computer?

I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I’m 48 and have never lost interest in my wife. Even with all of our problems. No infidelity as far as I know but you can betray your spouse in other ways.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

brennan said:


> My husband saw the damage cheating did to his mom and sibling. He swore he would never do it. Wouldn’t seeing that and the damage it does, make him LESS likely to do it to himself and his family?


I hope for your sake that he isn't a cheater

My ex of 10 years, saw her dad flee to another country to find his love he found on the internet (he was with her mum at the time too). She was so hurt by this

My ex was always the "I would never cheat, and I would tell my friends spouse if they got cheated on even if I lost that friendship.". Know what happened? She ended up having her own affair


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

Primrose said:


> He works 10-12 hours a day, and is often gone up to 14 hours of the day. He likes being with his friends, and he likes being alone. Where the heck do you fit into his priorities here?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He is gone for 10-12 hours a day, SOMETIMES 14 hours. He works 5 days a week, with Sundays and Wednesdays off. 

Our typical schedule on workdays use to look like this:
-Husband woke up at 6:00AM and left for work at 7:00AM
-He always left a coffee on my nightstand before leaving for work, if he had time he started or made breakfast. (This is now as extinct as the dinosaurs) 
-The kids and I woke up at 7:00AM and onwards. 
-My husband would come home between 6-7PM most nights. 
-We’d have dinner as soon as he came home.
-Spend time as a family until 8:00, when bedtime started.
-While I was getting the younger two kids into bed, my husband would spend 1:1 or 1:2 time with our older two girls for up to an hour (9:00PM).
-My husband would have time to himself until about 10:00PM.
-He’d run a bath for me, I have a bath every night, and I’d relax in the tub until around 10:30PM. 
-He’d come join me, we’d go to bed and watch a show together and went to sleep around midnight. We cuddled, talked, were always intimate. Some nights he’d come to bed earlier and we’d have more time together or he’d sit with me while I bathed. 

Now 9PM to midnight is his alone time. He comes to bed and goes right to sleep. In the morning he walks out the door without saying good morning or goodbye. If I don’t call or text him during the day I’d never hear from him. I typically get no response or one word responses, no real conversation because “he has nothing to say”. 

Most of his days off were spent as a family, and as a couple. Now most of his days off are spent as alone time, sometimes all day long, or out with friends. 


Our cellphones are on different plans and carriers. I asked on a live chat how to see that information, outgoing calls (number and duration) and outgoing texts (numbers only) will be on the bill if downloaded online in PDF format. Incoming calls and text numbers are not shown. I don’t know his login information, because again I’ve never needed to know it. I don’t think it would reveal much. He uses his phone for work and makes frequent calls. He is going to have a long list of outgoing calls. What am I supposed to be able to tell from just looking at a number? 



ABHale said:


> Check his search history.
> 
> You can also set a cam up for where he looks at it.
> 
> ...


I don’t know how to check his search history. I don’t have access to his cellphone or computer. I know that he does it in his home office, at night, because he will randomly close the door for a while, then go to the washroom to only wash his hands, return to his office and leave the door open. That’s all I know. I’ve asked him before what he looks at and he said it varies.

What am I suppose to do with a camera....

I feel horrible having a husband that I cannot keep interested. I can literally get naked and throw myself at him and he has no interest. Given the choice, I always come last now. To anything.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

It seems like everyone cheats...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> It seems like everyone cheats...


Not everyone. Use some of that from earlier for yourself now. 

Educate yourself on what you can do. Talk with people that care help you. If your husband has turned a blind eye to you then make him take notice. Talk with a divorce lawyer, free consultation, and find out your rights. Then tell your husband, get help with the problem or we are divorcing. And stand by what you say. 

Any man would love to have a wife as dedicated as you. Wish my wife was, would have gone a long way in healing the wounds. 

Talk with people.


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

ABHale said:


> brennan said:
> 
> 
> > It seems like everyone cheats...
> ...


If he is having an affair is there any way to come back from it? Will he ever want me more than... her? Will he stop? How do I win my own husband back...☹


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can't win him back. He has to choose to repair the marriage. Right now he just seems to be avoiding it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Man, he's got his **** locked down tight. @brennan, the very least you should do is talk to him about the elephant in the room.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Brennan:

I don't know whether he is having an affair or not, but you need to figure out what is going on with him.

Have you formulated a plan yet?

We are here for you.

HUGS


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Not everyone cheats.

This site has a very dense population of people who have been cheated on.

But those who have not been cheated on perhaps don’t experience what you are experiencing. You need to hear from people who have gone through what you are going through. Even though that means you hear about a lot of cheaters.

If you try to only communicate with people who never had a spouse cheat on them, they probably just wouldn’t understand anything you’re talking about. 

Somewhere I read over half of all marriages experience infidelity. Maybe as many as three quarters. And most marriages which do actually do reconcile. Is it successful? Well, who knows. Most I hear about aren’t.

My wife had a One Night Stand affair, as it’s called. I think we have successfully reconciled. I think it can be done. But it’s very hard.

And reconciliation from a long term affair would be completely different, in my opinion. Much harder.

We do wish you luck.

But please don’t let hope cloud your reasoning.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Does he have a home computer (not work laptop) that he uses often? It might be linked to his google account and share the same history.

You could try to pretend your PC is broken one day while he is at work and ask him for his password so you can log in to do "important thing XYZ" 
If you have a desktop - Just loosen your monitor cable or something so there is no image... 
If you have a laptop - let the battery run out and 'plug it in' but have it loosely connected on the brick so it is not charging (most laptop chargers have a brick between the wall outlet and the inlet to your laptop)


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## brennan (Mar 11, 2018)

This is stupid. No. He would never hurt me or our children that way. He's not having an affair. He'd never do that. I'm a bad wife for not trusting him and for publicizing our problems. I'm so worried that I'm nauseated, for nothing. He'd never have an affair. I'm an idiot.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Brennan, you are not an idiot. We don't know for sure what he is up to. But we know he is not treating you right. We need to find out why and what changed and what we can do to get this marriage back on track. Burying your head in the sand will not help.

We hope he is not cheating.

You need to figure out what is going on.

Start investigating.

You deserve to know what is up with him?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

brennan said:


> This is stupid. No. He would never hurt me or our children that way. He's not having an affair. He'd never do that. I'm a bad wife for not trusting him and for publicizing our problems. I'm so worried that I'm nauseated, for nothing. He'd never have an affair. I'm an idiot.


You are most definitely not a bad wife. There is a problem in your marriage and you are using whatever avenues you have to diagnose and deal with it. There's nothing bad, and nothing to be ashamed about, with trying to figure things out so you can make them better. Please do not rebuke yourself here. 

If your husband is cold and neglectful, that's a problem, and such things rarely get better on their own. Even if you're 100% sure there's no affair, hopefully something in the last seven pages of posts has given you some insight? Unfortunately, I have nothing to personally add to what has already been offered. I just felt compelled to post to tell you you need not feel bad about anything you've done here. Doing so will only diminish or even destroy your chances of figuring out exactly what's going on here and how to deal with it. 

Please stay strong and keep searching.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tell him you've decided to be more involved in family finances, in case something ever happens to him. God forbid a tragic auto accident. You want to get a list of accounts and passwords so you can pay bills online, should he go unexpectedly in the hospital.

See what he does. Stand your ground. These are normal questions for normal families. If he says he's got that covered, without you knowing accounts, balances, passwords, life insurance policies, etc., he's lying.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

brennan said:


> This is stupid. No. He would never hurt me or our children that way. He's not having an affair. He'd never do that. I'm a bad wife for not trusting him and for publicizing our problems. I'm so worried that I'm nauseated, for nothing. He'd never have an affair. I'm an idiot.


Says every betrayed spouse that has ever started a thread on here. 

You aren't worried "for nothing". You are worried because his ACTIONS tell you otherwise. They tell you that you are at the bottom of his priority list. Work, friends, and alone time come before his marriage. Porn comes before sex with his own wife. 

You aren't a bad wife for feeling vulnerable and insecure. It is his ACTIONS that have brought you here and have made you feel this way.

Now it's up to you what you will do about this. Maybe he's not cheating on you with another woman. But it's very obvious, in just your handful of posts, that he is no longer faithful to the longevity of your union.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You sound like an intelligent, compassionate person. 

Get to know your finances, that can't be stressed enough.

Beware of folks (not folks here) but friends that might tell you to do things that would make your life go rapidly off the rails...use good judgement.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> If he is having an affair is there any way to come back from it? Will he ever want me more than... her? Will he stop? How do I win my own husband back...☹


No one knows this but your husband. 

Talk with him and ask what is going on because you feel like you have failed in some way. Try to get him to open up. 

Do not say anything about separation or divorce. Do not put him on his guard if you decide to divorce.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

brennan said:


> This is stupid. No. He would never hurt me or our children that way. He's not having an affair. He'd never do that. I'm a bad wife for not trusting him and for publicizing our problems. I'm so worried that I'm nauseated, for nothing. He'd never have an affair. I'm an idiot.


Your not a bad wife B. You would never of doubted him if he never gave you reason. 

I don’t believe he has just stopped having sex. 

Take a break and look at what is going on from an outside perspective. 

Why is it porn and not you he looks to?

Figure it out. This is not the way it’s supposed to be. 

He has a willing and able wife that wants to be with him intimately and he is choosing porn and his left hand, really. 

Your not a bad wife for trying to find answers to your problems. Your trying to fix your marriage and no one can blame you for that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Not everyone cheats but it is unusual for a man to choose a computer over a woman who wants to have sex. 

This does point to either porn , an online emotional affair, physical affair. Less likely but possible, physical issues like low testosterone, gaming addiction, or built up resentment for an unknown reason. He is entering midlife. 

If talking with him openly about how you miss being physically intimate, and emotionally connected isn't an option or doesn't help fix the issue then I'd demand marriage counseling. 

You know something is wrong. I doubt this is an only you problem and he certainly isn't working to fix the problem by hiding in his work room and he isn't working most likely 3 hour every evening.

Also he comes home eats dinner hangs with the kids then has 3 hours of me time. 2-3 nights a week he hangs with friends when is your me time?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

brennan said:


> He goes out with one of his male work colleagues, who he has known for most of his life, they meet up with other mutual friends or go with other friends from work. I’ve asked who he goes out with or who was there, and it is always males or wives. I’ve seen his messages occasionally about plans. I have never caught him in a lie.


Just curious @brennan, can YOU go and meet him sometimes on these nights out? Sounds like you two don't get a chance to have much fun together (although I see you did try with the date night, and not sure why he blew you off. Being tired, and yet going to a different room in the house doesn't bode well). You'd have to get a babysitter, but maybe it will show you are interested in him/his "things" since you don't like golf!

Also, you posted a timeline of what your typical day used to be. Did you ever ask him WHY he's changed that? Why doesn't he leave you coffee in the morning anymore? Why does he go off for all night instead of spending time with you? Why does he want to watch porn instead if being with you each night? Talk with him, and DON'T let him deflect the conversation. Try to stay calm and ask him to honestly answer. You may not like the answers, but you do deserve to get them....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

brennan said:


> If he is having an affair is there any way to come back from it? Will he ever want me more than... her? Will he stop? How do I win my own husband back...☹


If he is having an affair, why the hell would you WANT him back?? After the betrayal and the utter disrespect... he will only end up doing it again! Have more self worth than that. 

Sadly, you have really allowed him to set you up as a sitting duck. You are completely dependent on him, no real identitiy of your own, and he has you completely closed out of his life and his business. Why have two phone carriers, who does that?? Closes himself in his office, no questions from you.. no access to laptop, locked out of his phone, bank accounts, etc... 

I hope for your sake he isn't cheating, but all these things and other red flags sure the hell point that way. Please don't be a fool.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

brennan said:


> He isn't having an affair. He would never do that.




My wife thinks the same thing.

If you were not willing to give him sex then I’d say .....what did you think was going to happen? That doesn’t look like the case.......I am in my 40s
Normal testosterone levels and I’d have sex with my wife every day if she were into it......sounds like you are willing so have him get a blood test. 

If his testosterone is normal then something else is going on probably has very little to do with you.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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