# paranoia/anxiety : is there help?



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'll be blunt. I'm an anxious person who was abandoned by a mentally abusive alcoholic father.

In college I was date raped (I went to the cops and my parents knew) but counseling was not a thing, decades before "me too".

Five years ago our family dealt with betrayal by a family member(not immediate family)/

I am currently in therapy. I attend sessions weekly.

One of my greatest fears is being left by my husband, who I love dearly. He has not shown any signs other than what I think are my reading into things that aren't there.

Some of these things are keeping his phone face down. I did ask why and the answer was to give people attention and avoid distraction. He said he does this at work , also.

However, sometimes he picks up the phone half way to check a text and puts it down. I find that dodgy. I've explained that. I also feel stressed when he quits texting people or exits out of a screen. Those things are signs of lying, from what I've read. On the other hand, I've never caught him in a lie. Ever. We share our location on Find My Device, I know his passwords, he's not late, etc.

Other than the screen thing, I have no suspicion. I do know he's frustrated by my anxiety, which makes me more anxious.

I've told him, rationally and calmly, that the truth is always better than a lie. All I want people to do is be honest. The answer is "that's what I am". And I'm good with it for days or weeks. Until I see what I perceive is a smile at a text, etc.

So, my question is : can anxiety cause a person to not believe the actual truth, and rather make their "perception" or "story" into their reality? 

I want to have complete trust. I want to stop this. But I keep thinking "am I being played for a chump?"

How do I get to a place where I am comfortable trusting and realizing if I'm naive or being suckered, it's not on me? And I know my huband isn't an ass. My anxiety causes issues that I want to to away.

I'm at the point of going on meds, which we've discussed. He's not a fan of taking meds without trying other things first. I have: running, praying, trying to think rationally, etc.

It doesn't always work.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Holy ****!, I'm going through this exact same thing with my wife. It's horrible and creates a ton of distress!! I was cheated on in my previous marriage and have some ptsd issues I'm currently dealing with, so I have been quite sensitive to things that trigger me.

Some of these things that are contributing to my relationship anxiety are her phone habits (we also know eachothers passwords), and how she dresses for work - though it's not like she's wearing revealing clothing, it's all my thoughts.

One thing to keep in mind is that the anxiety is in your head and it's not his fault nor yours. There is a difference between anxiety and "gut" feelings, and medication can help but it is not the end all be all - a good therapist that specializes in trauma is a much better option, especially considering your past.

You are not alone, I hope this helps.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I place both work phone and pers phone facedown everytime, on purpose, with no hidden or nefarious intent.

If work phone, in a meeting, I don't want other attendees seeing who is contacting me and for what, it's often business actions not intended for all.

Personal phone; I choose not to react to every ding or buzz or sound the phone makes. If important a family member or friend knows to call if an urgent matter.

Wife has all passwords given to her by me on purpose and she can use or hold my phone anytime.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thanks Ragnar. That makes sense.
Benbutton, I believe my feelings are anxiety and "what are you texting in the other room" thing. He does have a team he has to contact frequently. I say I won't ask. I start the day without asking. and then the feelings build.

I have been running, going to therapy, and trying to be mindful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It doesn't sound as if you have anything to worry about to me. Hopefully the counseling will help. What sort if medication might you go on?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

snowbum said:


> Thanks Ragnar. That makes sense.
> Benbutton, I believe my feelings are anxiety and "what are you texting in the other room" thing. He does have a team he has to contact frequently. I say I won't ask. I start the day without asking. and then the feelings build.
> 
> I have been running, going to therapy, and trying to be mindful.


Here's the thing, you have his password and if he hasn't changed it what could he possibly hide? I take it you also have access to the phone bill records, if so you can see if text messages are being deleted, so not much to hide.

I get it, there are so many possibilities of how someone can cheat, but unless there are some red flags you have to try and trust your husband, as a lack of that can erode your marriage.

I suggest you read some infidelity posts here, you will discover how the vast majority of cheaters exhibit major red flags. Now, if your husband changed his password and walked around with the phone attached to him 24/7 - that would be a red flag.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

snowbum said:


> can anxiety cause a person to not believe the actual truth, and rather make their "perception" or "story" into their reality?


Yes. Check out Cymbalta.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Here's the thing, you have his password and if he hasn't changed it what could he possibly hide? I take it you also have access to the phone bill records, if so you can see if text messages are being deleted, so not much to hide.
> 
> I get it, there are so many possibilities of how someone can cheat, but unless there are some red flags you have to try and trust your husband, as a lack of that can erode your marriage.
> 
> I suggest you read some infidelity posts here, you will discover how the vast majority of cheaters exhibit major red flags. Now, if your husband changed his password and walked around with the phone attached to him 24/7 - that would be a red flag.


I have read some. to answer your question about the phone: it's not always with him, but very often. He's an upper level lead and has to monitor things. I know things break, been there to see it happen. So while I have his pw, he has some things that others say raise flags: Google voice and phone number. I call and text both. Family uses Voice, work uses other. So that's a legit use, but CWI suggest it's a red flag. Having said that, he will leave his phone on the table, dresser, etc. Then again, at times he's hanging on to it. So again, me looking for things because my brain does that or gaslighting? That's my conundrum.

I don't read texts or email. Not doing that. Some would say to do that, but I'm not going there. I know I should assume the best. Assume that my "doubts" are my hypervigilance and let it go. It's frustrating to us both. Dh says he loves me and wouldn't cheat. Family is very important to him, honesty is important, doesn't associate with shady people, so I'm very certain it's in my mind.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You can always ask him to look, or better yet has he ever offered? My wife offered, it helped tremendously by her just doing that.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I never asked him to look. He's got high target info (work) on his phone and I don't want to snoop. I know that corporate can ask for emails/texts etc and misuse of work platforms would result in being fired. Most of the time he'll say who texted. I'm trying not to ask. When I did a few days ago he said "people" or "team". I've met the 7 guys on the team. Obviously many more people work there. From what I've observed from encounters with coworkers, they are all professional. 

Part of this is his new position and me feeling like as he climbs the ladder, I'm "less"than. That is me saying that. He says it's not true. I've gone out with people from work a handful of times and had people over here. I think it's hormones and feeling older.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

And yes this is a red flag, he wouldn't want me looking. More so because he's never been shady about where he is, feels he should be trusted as he is committed. Could i look ? Sure. Would I say "hey, I want to read your texts and emails. " No.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Stop reading stuff that makes you paranoid.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Stop reading stuff that makes you paranoid.


Very good advice. I will follow that.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I was about to make the same suggestion - stop reading CWI.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree with RR. My phone is usually put face down on purpose. It's just a habit. It's not all the time, but usually. When things light up, it's a distraction, so if I'm not in a position to answer someone or read things, I tend to do that, especially when I'm talking with someone in person.

Absent other red flags, I think you are fine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I'll be blunt. I'm an anxious person who was abandoned by a mentally abusive alcoholic father.
> 
> In college I was date raped (I went to the cops and my parents knew) but counseling was not a thing, decades before "me too".
> 
> ...


Paranoia can certainly cause you to have unreasonable fears. That said, I don't think having an antennae up about any mate has the odds totally against you. I mean, many people do cheat. The best indicator to me is if your husband is real ethical in other ways, such as he doesn't try to loaf at work; if he tells someone he'll be there, he'll be there; he is fully engaged in the marriage, does his share of things and doesn't seem bothered by it; isn't overly focused on sex, which would include watching a lot of porn, but that's not the center of his universe. Obviously if sex if the top priority for a person, that is a high risk they'll be willing to betray someone and lose the other parts of their relationship to do so. 

You are in therapy. Your therapist should be able to tell if you are a paranoid personality by tests if nothing else. Many people are a bit paranoid. 

It only takes a person about 20 minutes off their day to cheat if they really want to. In that time, they can have a prostitute meet them no matter where they are and be getting oral sex in their car or elsewhere. So no amount of monitoring can prevent a person from cheating. If you feel his time is accounted for and your sex life is good, he's not complaining for lack of, you may be imagining things. However, lots of people are real paranoid about their mate's phones. There can be any number of reasons for deleting texts. I, for example, routinely delete all texts as soon as I'm done texting that person. I hate clutter. Others on here will say there is no reason to delete a text except cheating. While for some that might be true, for uncluttery people like me, that is ridiculous! Also, I don't believe that unless someone has already been caught cheating, that anyone should have to show their private texts or emails with friends. I believe people need an outlet other than their mate and that it's unhealthy not to have it. 

What you don't want to do is create the thing you fear most. That's what happens with insecure people. They overreach and drive their mates further away. I mean, if the mate is innocent, he's getting NO appreciation for being a dedicated mate. You can't really know if he's innocent or not, unless you just believe in his character that much to know he wouldn't do something to hurt you. 

So don't create a problem unless you have a real good reason. Are you able to see his phone bill or credit card bills without breeching privacy? If so, have a look and see if there's anything suspicious on there. 

Meanwhile, treat your anxiety, get on meds, see how things shake out. Good luck.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

snowbum said:


> So that's a legit use, but CWI suggest it's a red flag.


So you’re still essentially “shopping” for an answer to a likely irrelevant question. It’s like shopping for a news channel that only offers views of things you agree with.

What do you want? You have to ask yourself if, deep down inside, you want out of your marriage. Trust me, that’s what your husband is sometimes thinking.

It doesn’t take long for someone with anxiety to realize they can get the answers they “want” by feeding TAM the required recipe. You might be doing that without realizing it.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'll be blunt. I'm an anxious person who was abandoned by a mentally abusive alcoholic father.
> 
> In college I was date raped (I went to the cops and my parents knew) but counseling was not a thing, decades before "me too".
> 
> ...


If you have access to your husband's phone and accounts, he's doing everything he can to reassure you that your anxiety is misplaced.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It can also be a red flag when one spouse obsessively monitors, assures etc, and also has a traumatic past that they hold over another partner’s head.

Now, unless you have good reasons, going by past behaviour of his, to be reasonably anxious, then I understand. 

For you, and for your own future, you are responsible for your treatment, and also being very transparent about YOUR CURRENT feelings. You have a duty towards your loved ones to tell them, ‘today, I’m not feeling the best. This is not your fault, this is what I need, this is what I don’t need. Right now, I’m not ok, but tomorrow, later, I hope I’m going to feel better. Could you please help by cuddling/letting me rest/giving me space/seeing the doctor with me’ or whatever you need to get through your anxiety. 

What you don’t do, is drive your family away by certain behaviours and then saying, ‘I had a traumatic past! That’s why I’m like this!’. This helps YOU by staying in the present and moving through the past traumas, and focussing on the future and the times where you will feel better. By staying in victim-mode, you keep yourself stuck. You really wouldn’t like him to be a certain way towards you, out of guilt, for example. That’s not authentic for any of you, is it, it’s not ideal. It will liberate you to get through things minute by minute so that your past doesn’t have people lathering sympathy on you, just because of your past trauma. That’s where your perpetrators win, and you lose. Does this make sense? 

Look into some family therapy, or proper trauma therapy.


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## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

To me, it doesn't appear that you have anything to be concerned about. Hopefully, the counseling will be beneficial. However, given your history, a good therapist who specializes in trauma is a much better option. I hope this helps to reassure you that you are not alone.


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