# crazy infidelity



## sarahmc (Sep 9, 2012)

help me understand,..

I know someone who is engaged to be married in 1 week. He's been with his fiance for 10+ years, engaged for two. Now the day is finally approaching, he is STILL cheating on her. He's cheated on her with at least 3 women (that I know of, probably more), in the course of their relationship, and now it's ONE WEEK before the wedding and he has *no intention or desire to stop*. He wants to keep having his affair after the marriage and he states that just because he is married, nothing changes.

What is going through his head?? Why is he even getting married? Does he love anyone?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Cheater!


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

I'm curious are you the one he's having the affair with? To answer your question I have no idea what's going through his head. You could tip off the bride but she may choose to not believe you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

This post is too vague. Who exactly are you to this couple? Are you one of the OW? How did you come across this information?

What's going through his head is simple. He wants to cake-eat. He is being selfish, wanting to remain single and have a little wife to come home to for domestic support.

If I were you, and I know that you don't have much evidence (if you have any at all), I would let the bride know. She deserves to know the type of man that she is marrying. 

At that point, she can call off the wedding base on your information. She will probably want to investigate, building evidence so she can feel comfortable to confront him. No one wants to marry a cheater who is remorseless and has no intention on reforming. 

Or, she will bury her head in the sand and she will marry him. If she does, it is on her because she knows. In a few years, the late nights at the office, the frequent trips somewhere will aid up. She might, then, be strong enough to gather proof.


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## richard931 (Aug 26, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> help me understand,..
> 
> I know someone who is engaged to be married in 1 week. He's been with his fiance for 10+ years, engaged for two. Now the day is finally approaching, he is STILL cheating on her. He's cheated on her with at least 3 women (that I know of, probably more), in the course of their relationship, and now it's ONE WEEK before the wedding and he has *no intention or desire to stop*. He wants to keep having his affair after the marriage and he states that just because he is married, nothing changes.
> 
> What is going through his head?? Why is he even getting married? Does he love anyone?


you need to tell his to be bride someway


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## Frostrose (Aug 1, 2012)

You need to tell the bride.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> help me understand,..
> 
> I know someone who is engaged to be married in 1 week. He's been with his fiance for 10+ years, engaged for two. Now the day is finally approaching, he is STILL cheating on her. He's cheated on her with at least 3 women (that I know of, probably more), in the course of their relationship, and now it's ONE WEEK before the wedding and he has *no intention or desire to stop*. He wants to keep having his affair after the marriage and he states that just because he is married, nothing changes.
> 
> What is going through his head?? Why is he even getting married? Does he love anyone?


What is going through your head?
What is it that you want to accomplish by posting here?


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## sarahmc (Sep 9, 2012)

i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

sarahmc said:


> i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.


Why isn't it your place?
Imagine that was YOUR daughter marrying that creep!!
Come on. Do the right thing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.


I don't see why it isn't your place. It is the place of anyone who knows. This poor girl is about to make a huge mistake, marrying someone who she doesn't even really know. Telling her is the decent thing to do.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

You could let her know without her knowing where it's coming from. I still think you are one of the many ow he's been with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> help me understand,..
> 
> I know someone who is engaged to be married in 1 week. He's been with his fiancé for 10+ years, engaged for two. Now the day is finally approaching, he is STILL cheating on her. He's cheated on her with at least 3 women (that I know of, probably more), in the course of their relationship, and now it's ONE WEEK before the wedding and he has *no intention or desire to stop*. He wants to keep having his affair after the marriage and he states that just because he is married, nothing changes.
> 
> What is going through his head?? Why is he even getting married? Does he love anyone?





Something about this just seems a bit odd to me.


Are you saying that only you and one of his close family members is aware of his cheating?

If you are only one of 2, how is it you came to learn this? 
Did he personally tell you?
Has he tried to sleep with you?
Have you slept with him?
Are you just close friends?
How well do you know his soon to be wife?
If you were his soon to be wife would you want to know what is going on?


If more people know about this you could send an anonymous letter to her detailing what you know, possibly without revealing you identity. If only a couple know about it, he will no doubt know it was you who told her. Personally I think she has a right to know what is going on. It should be her decision if she can still go through with the marriage.

If you have any sense of compassion for this poor woman you would tell her. This guy is scum and he needs to be outed. He could be transferring disease to his future wife, and could end up endangering any future children they may have.

It sucks to be in your position. Only you can decide if YOU can carry on knowing you could have helped this woman out.

Sorry if this is straight forward. I am not trying to hurt you. Just how I think. Good luck. Keep us posted.


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## sarahmc (Sep 9, 2012)

> If you are only one of 2, how is it you came to learn this?
> Did he personally tell you?
> Has he tried to sleep with you?
> Have you slept with him?
> ...


I'm at least one of four people who knows. As far as the OW's are concerned, it's what he and another friend have told me. I can't believe everything I hear that's why I say "atleast" 3 other women. I haven't met all of the OW'S. Just one. I've even witnessed him in action...and with a person I don't even consider an "OW" even though if I was the fiance, what they did was enough for me to call off the wedding.

We're close friends..but he's never brought his fiance around to our little circle at work. In the 10+ years, no one's ever met her. 

His brother knows everything (probably more than me). I've met him many times. I say it's not my place to say because why would she believe me and shouldn't he say something instead?

There are 4 people who know about all this, I'm one of them. 

I agree someone should say something,...but i just can't, our office will blow up.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If you're not wanting or "can't" tell his fiance,, then why are you here looking for advice? 

If you will be able to go to the wedding and watch him marry someone he doesn't truly love,, how can you have that on your conscience? 

YOU know right from wrong ( I hope).... do the right thing.


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## sarahmc (Sep 9, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> If you're not wanting or "can't" tell his fiance,, then why are you here looking for advice?
> 
> If you will be able to go to the wedding and watch him marry someone he doesn't truly love,, how can you have that on your conscience?
> 
> YOU know right from wrong ( I hope).... do the right thing.


Yeah I know. Tough spot. I TRIED to talk him out of hurting more people and stop living his lie and call off the wedding. He knows what he's doing and how he is digging a hole so deep. I even asked him if he loves her and he said NO. This isn't a scenario you come across hardly ever...it's not typical, even for cheating. I wanted some insight.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

If you are willing to disregard our advice, then I have to ask what do you hope to accomplish by posting here? You know why he's cheated; he's selfish and wants a married life and a "wild" sexual life. 

There is two paths here: to do the right thing or to do the wrong thing. The wrong one is to sit by and do nothing while this woman marries this person, oblivious to whatever he is doing.

The right path is to tell her, regardless of the consequences. You could tell her in person. You could send an anonymous note (which might not be believed). There is a moral obligation when you see something wrong you do whatever you have to and be a stand up individual.


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## sarahmc (Sep 9, 2012)

If it was the other way around and the fiance being cheated on was my friend, then I would definitely tell her. But he is the friend,...I wanted him to out himself, for everyone's sake. He comes to me complaining about how unhappy he is...:scratchhead:


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

sarahmc said:


> If it was the other way around and the fiance being cheated on was my friend, then I would definitely tell her. But he is the friend,...I wanted him to out himself, for everyone's sake.


Not too good of a friend....

If he's getting married to this woman, wouldn't she be becoming your friend also?...... Unless there's more to the story you're not telling???? 

How good of a friend is he to you? If you have good morals you would be telling her...


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Then, you will be waiting a long time. A cheater rarely outs himself, especially with the information you provided about him. He has no reason to do it. He doesn't love her, and he doesn't want to stop.

Your loyalty to your friend and your occupation will basically set up a woman for hurt in the near or far future. Infidelity can cause life-long wounds to the BS (betrayed spouse), both sides of the families, and any future children. There are STDs, PSTD for the BS, and emotional turmoil if they have any children.

There are things that transcend friendship. Especially if you can stop someone else's (an innocent) pain in the long run. If she can get out now and/or confront him, it will save her pain from a serial cheater.

And if this friend expects you to keep this secret, then he is no friend. A friend would not want another person to harbor their deceptions.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

A question to ask yourself is: 

would I want someone else to tell me if my spouse/partner/fiance is a serial cheater?

the golden rule...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You are enabling evil. What he is doing is evil, not just selfish. That is unless th bride knows and condones his behavior. Would you want someone to tell you that the man you were about to marry was an unrepentant cheater? Why or why not?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Why is he getting married? or even in a relationship for that matter? He clearly doesn't love this woman and possibility of losing her isn't that bothersome. I don't see why the fallout would be so big if you told her. It's not like he cheated in the past and pledged to amend his ways.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.


Do it anonymously. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I side with everybody before me, the bride must know. She can't possibly be happy with someone this inconsiderate.
If you feel you can't talk to the bride about her fiance's affairs, do as Will_Kane said.
Send a letter, an email something with as much information to prove it as you can gather.
The bride needs to know.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ok, as my wife slid into her affair, making bad choices, she had a circle of friends in whom she confided. So there were a number of people around who knew, and said nothing to me. That hurts. They never discouraged her either, about the strongest statement I know of is that she should be sure that she wants to do what she was doing. What a crock, but understandable I suppose. Most people have no clue what's going on in an affair. Saying that to a cheater is like telling a meth addict to be sure that they really want that next hit. The worst part? One of those friends supplied her apartment, and lied to me about my wife's whereabouts when I went to where my wife was supposed to be, to make her admit the affair. That is not a friend, that's a damned enabler, doing I don't know what, trying to drag others down to the gutter to make themselves feel better, I don't know.

So I am in the tell camp. I am so far in the tell camp it wouldn't matter who or how I told. I refuse to be a party to that kind of deception, to allow someone else to inflict that kind of suffering on the person they are supposed to love and cherish. I tracked down the OMW and let her in on the secret as soon as I was certain my marriage would survive the turmoil that resulted.


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Maybe God is giving you a test!!!!!!!!! Karma is a *****!!!!


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Gee, you must work with my ex-husband.




> i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.


How gutless of you. 

Really, what would YOU want if you were that woman? Your office will blow up? Really? Your coworkers' f*cking around is an incendiary device? Is he f*cking around with a coworker? Then you owe to common decency AND your employer to out this crap. They could be on the hook for a lawsuit. If he's anything like most serial cheaters, he's using company resources (email, phone, etc.) to conduct his affairs. Employers frown on that sh*t. How do I know? My husband sues guys like your coworker for a living. Earns a good living at it.

Oh, and also, once upon a time, I was that clueless bride. There were people who CAME TO MY WEDDING who KNEW my now ex-H was cheating on me. No one told me. They were gutless, like you. 

What did it cost me? A move to another state, horrific financial loss, humiliation, trauma to my child, and searing emotional pain I cannot begin to describe to you. 

YOU could PREVENT this. And you choose not to. 

I'm not saying she would believe you, but present her with the names of the others that know and it's pretty d*mning. At least she was forewarned. I would've NEVER married if I'd known. NEVER.

Having character isn't easy. It's the tough calls that define us. Clearly you're upset about enough to post it anonymously here. Find your guts and out the mother*cker. 

Also, you need a better class of "friends." He's not a friend. He's a sociopath to keep doing this to innocent people.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> i know this guy - coworkers for a long time. It's really not my place to tell the bride. He has at least one close family member who knows about all this and they're not saying anything either. just dumbfounded.



It is your place to tell the bride. 

At the wedding they even ask the guests for anyone who objects to the marriage to speak up now.

Please speak up before the wedding. 

Save this women from being incredibly hurt by her spouse, later. 

She has a right to know. 

A lot of people knew about my STBEH's affair, but later they said they were afraid to tell me. 

I am angry at them for this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sarahmc said:


> If it was the other way around and the fiance being cheated on was my friend, then I would definitely tell her. But he is the friend,...I wanted him to out himself, for everyone's sake. He comes to me complaining about how unhappy he is...:scratchhead:


If he is complaining about how unhappy he is to you, you two are having an emotional affair. 

Tell him that cheating is sleazy and that you do not befriend cheaters.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Thanks for coming here and sharing this with us. It is your first step in the right direction. I know your mind is baffled and you are confused on what the right path is and you are seeking advice/help in this regard. 

You have come to the right place. Your friend is a bad person for what he is doing. You have to think to yourself would you appreciate if this was your fiance and your friends/his friends didn't tell you he was cheating on you? 

The biggest issue here is that your friend is going to cause himself heartaches and pain in his future and you are letting him do this. 

Lets put aside the cheating for a moment. If you really cared for your friend, you would do the right thing and break up this wedding, or he is going to have a really bad outcome: Financially, Socially, and Physically. Remember once they tie the knot 50% of all his worth/assets are the brides and vice versa. Also, if they have kids and they end up with a divorce, think of the future kids, think of your friend's well being. 

I understand he doesn't love this woman, why is he commiting to a failed relationshiip and then will have to pay int he end to divorce? It is very very stupid. Help your friend, tell his fiancee, anonymously if you must.

Create a fake email account. DO IT, or you will regret it because your friend is going to get burned.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

I just realized this thread is from last week. So the wedding has probably happened, the OP isn't going to come back on the thread because she is... gutless.

And, yeah, she's probably got a thing going with the co-worker. EA or PA. How could you be friends with such a person?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really do need to tell her.

If good people do nothing, evil will prevail.

The idea of creating an anonymous email account is a good one.

Send her the names of those you know he has cheated with. If you have their contact info put that in the communication as well.

Or, if you do not know her email... have someone hand deliver a type written note to her... where she works is better than at her home because he won't be there. 

Put yourself in her shoes... how would you feel if people knew that the person you were marrying was doing this... and all it would have taken is for one person to let you know. But instead all the people who knew sat on their arses and did nothing.

Who are what is called an accessory.. you know of what he is doing and do nothing. You are enabling his behavior as is everyone else who helps him hide it and who give him moral support but not tell him that he was 1 week to tell her or you are going to.

How can you even call someone a friend who is harming another person in the way he's harming his fiance?

No one would ever even have to know that you told her....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chumplady said:


> And, yeah, she's probably got a thing going with the co-worker.


That's how I read it. That OP is one of the OW and is upset he's marrying someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chumplady said:


> I just realized this thread is from last week. So the wedding has probably happened, the OP isn't going to come back on the thread because she is... gutless.
> 
> And, yeah, she's probably got a thing going with the co-worker. EA or PA. How could you be friends with such a person?


Yep... I am always amazed that people will be friends with the scum of the earth...


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

chumplady said:


> I just realized this thread is from last week. So the wedding has probably happened, the OP isn't going to come back on the thread because she is... gutless.
> 
> And, yeah, she's probably got a thing going with the co-worker. EA or PA. How could you be friends with such a person?


When I read this last week and was responding, I got a familiar vibe as well. Who wants to doom someone to a lifelong cheat? Who would argue so hard for their point of view?

One of the OM. Probably mad that she couldn't get him away from his BS, but he is still willing to have her and the others on the side. Yuck.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Chances are the bride would have done nothing, anyway; she would have married him and hoped that he would change after the wedding.

I was at our local last Saturday, celebrating our wedding anniversary. In walked a bunch of guys, out on a stag party. They seemed to be having such fun, a little rowdy, but nothing crazy. Then the manager of the pub comes over to us and tells us (why, I don't know) that the groom to be had been in the week before, drunk as a skunk, trying to get some girl to get a hotel room with him. So unless he met and proposed to his bride within the last week, he's a cheating scumbag. No one is going to tell her, either, I'm sure.


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