# need some advice



## johnsunny (Dec 21, 2011)

I haven't been perfect because i do get out of hand in arguments... but I work, do all laundry, dishes, bath the kids majority of the time, try to keep the house organized, do majority of homework with them, trash, clean the yard and my wife is SAHM, no job, and the kids are at school all day. I make good money, but my wife constantly spends our money with no consideration of our budget. She had a drug problem a few years ago which drained us financially, which she blamed on me for "neglecting" her when really she pushed me away because she was a bit abusive. I let all of this go on, I worked multiple jobs at once and I've been waiting for her to get it all together so we can move forward. She's lied in the past to get money and since then I haven't been able to trust her. She has had medical issues this year and last which is terrible to say, but I don't believe them sometimes. She just can not come through for me and get proper receipts. I have put her down in arguments but I think it's because I just don't love her anymore. She also tries to put me down... In arguments she says crazy stuff like she's cheated on me, and wants to kill herself. I just really don't know how to leave because she says that she's going to make my life hell and I just don't know how to deal with her and what the kids will go through... They're 7 and under. I obviously don't want her to do anything to herself, and this relationship is not going any where. We've been together total 10 years, married for 2.

Someone just talk because I can't talk to anyone.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Sorry to hear you are in that situation. 

From what you describe your marriage is quite toxic. And all of those arguments are doing your kids no good. At the same time you should never not "get out of hand in arguments". It takes two to tango. She can be a raving lunatic, but you are engaging her.

Your W telling you she will kill herself is a way of her controlling the situation. It sounds like she needs serious help. Try to get her into IC.

If you are thinking on divorce... have you thought on what custody sharing you have in mind?

With you being a very involved father, you have a good chance of obtaining 50/50 shared custody. But you would need to prepare for that, and get all your ducks in a row. Document your involvement with the kids. Get an mp3 recorder, and wear it on you at all times. Don't engage her at all. Go to dadsdivorce.com, and take a look at "The List". Read it, live it.


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## johnsunny (Dec 21, 2011)

Def 50/50...

In arguments, I try to leave but she throws herself in front of the door and hits me, then when I try to move her out of the way, she gets very dramatic and accuses me of hitting her and beating her. She tries telling our kids that I beat her... It's crazy.

I do get heated in the argument but it's really after she's pushed me so far. I try to keep it cool but I just don't how to anymore after all of this. I used to be really laid back. She used to kill me in arguments because I just would let her go off, but now that I say things back and try to defend myself so to speak, it's abusive and I beat her according to her. I can't win.

It's like I stay because I feel bad for her or something. I know if I suggest her getting help, she'll probably be defensive and blame everything on me.

I know I'm not perfect, but when I look myself in the mirror every day, I know that I've tried.

I forget to say that I cook a majority of the time as well. It's like I just don't need her anymore...

She complains that we don't have enough sex... 1 time per week, but sex is the least thing on my mind and it's the number one thing on her mind. Her priorities are upside down.

How do you get through to someone like this?


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Get an mp3 recorder right now. This will protect you in case she calls the cops on you.

Have your mp3 recorder running 24 hours. Next time she hits you, you don't move her out of the way, you don't touch her. You simply call the cops and report her for domestic violence. You call and you explain what happened. 

This will calm her down and keep her from doing this again to you. And this will also be invaluable if you two cannot agree on the custody split.

On the flip side, this is what she could do to you:
* She can call the cops on you (it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do)
* She can accuse you of domestic violence. (She is already making those claims, she is already thinking along these lines, she is several steps ahead of you).
* She can get an order of protection, and keep you away from your house, and your kids
* She then establishes status quo as the primary caregiver of your kids.
* She requests and is awarded custody of your kids, and you can only see them every other weekend.

So... that is what you should work to avoid happening. So stop procrastinating. Don't tell her your intentions, or what you are planing on doing. And start protecting yourself and your kids future. Again, go to dadsdivorce.com.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

not good get professional help...your kids are going to suffer more than you realize...they hear EVERYTHING do it for them first!


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