# I think my wife cheated on me.



## metluser

Hello everyone.

I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number. I asked her if she was texting anyone and received lies in response. Afterwards I looked up this number through some services online and found out that it was some guy. I confronted her the second time on this issue and asked her to show me the messages if she has nothing to hide and if he is just friend to her. The thing that hurts is that she lied the first time I asked her...

I also know that they went out for lunch a couple times and she never picked up her phone during the time she was out for lunch with this guy. She did tell me about that after the fact, that she went out with him.

I told her like a million times if there is nothing to hide from why do you hide your texts, lock your phones and etc... I do admit I went a little head over the heels with this and might be a little possessive.

So I think I have done something I should not have, I did snoop her sky conversation with this guy and emails. And oh man! She does call him babe and he calls her bonita... her signatures in emails are "your bonita". I did confront her on this one, I could not hold it back...... and she said that they were just emotional friends and that it is nothing for her.... I also saw in one of the emails that she is trying to let him go. The guy tells her that she loves her.... Never saw anything about love from my wife though..... never saw anything about sex either... just that they guy said that she gave him some moments that he wanted all his life. But I can believe that this level of communication can exist without some kind of intimacy. She swears that she never crossed this line and gets pretty defensive about it, something among this line - "how could you ever think I would do this! I am not a hoe"

I just can't believe it. It hurts so much right now! I feel so betrayed... I am freaking ready to die for this women on any day and this is what I get back.... I just don't know what to do now. I asked her to stop any conversations with that guy if she wants to get our marriage out of this situation, she said she did but I know she did not(she thinks I am an idiot??). I lost all my sleep, I can't be productive anymore.... All I think about is this situation.... I really don't know how to recover now... I am thinking about just going away...
I just don't know what to do next...


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## EleGirl

You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.

The first step is that she has to write him a no contact letter and send it to him with you witnessing the send. If you search the internet you will find samples of what a no contact letter should have in it.

Does she work with this guy?

Is he married?


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## EleGirl

More help.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ded-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html#post208407


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## JCD

If it isn't important, she can drop him....now. Because it is important to you.

But of course it's important to her...and make sure she acknowledges that fact.

My wife had to have SEVERAL talks to me about emotional affairs before I finally made some admissions.


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## The Cro-Magnon

EleGirl said:


> You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.


They met for lunch. 
His wife and this guy were physically meeting.
And she wouldn't answer her phone to OP whilst doing so.


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## EleGirl

The Cro-Magnon said:


> They met for lunch.
> His wife and this guy were physically meeting.
> And she wouldn't answer her phone to OP whilst doing so.


This does not mean that they were absolutely having sex.


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## jnj express

What is it your wife doesn't understand----married women do not go off and have lunch with single men

How do you know your wife didn't cheat, physically, with this guy when they had lunch----do you think she is gonna tell you----get your head out of the sand-------of course she is gonna deny anything happened---but you know what----as a married woman---SHE DOES NOT GO OUT AND HAVE LUNCH MULTIPLE TIMES WITH OTHER MEN-------that is the same as spitting on her vows, and spitting on the ring you gave her---or did she take the ring off, as she had lunch with her lover

She has absolutely NO REASON to be texting this guy---how many times in a monthe do you text your best friend----maybe 15 or 20 times----if there is something important, then maybe more---but 1000 times to anyone is way out of the norm----and if the other guy is throwing terms of endearment at your wife---she needs to stop, and stop YESTERDAY

You do not have to defend yourself----you are doing no more than protecting the mge, and your family--------

You tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but you certainly control what you do---and you tell her, she stops, or as far as you are concerned this mge, just may be over-------you WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN A MGE WHERE SHE IS TALKING TO OTHER MEN

Set up your boundaries---and make sure they have actionable consequences----you can read the various threads here, and you will get an idea of what boundaries/consequences to set up

But one thing is for sure----this contact she has with her lover stops RIGHT NOW, ON ANY AND ALL LEVELS---OR YOUR MGE IS DONE------and make sure she knows/understands your feelings on the matter.


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## The Cro-Magnon

EleGirl said:


> This does not mean that they were absolutely having sex.


OK. Whatever helps him sleep at night.


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## martyc47

EleGirl said:


> This does not mean that they were absolutely having sex.


I agree. Some members here have never seen people meet without banging, but it happens. But I would not completely rule it out, either.

For me, just being at the lunch and making that time a priority while avoiding communication with the husband would be crossing a line. For others the line might be hugging, kissing, petting, oral, penetration. They could have done anything from nothing to a handshake to whatever the imagination allows.


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## EleGirl

martyc47 said:


> I agree. Some members here have never seen people meet without banging, but it happens. But I would not completely rule it out, either.
> 
> For me, just being at the lunch and making that time a priority while avoiding communication with the husband would be crossing a line. For others the line might be hugging, kissing, petting, oral, penetration. They could have done anything from nothing to a handshake to whatever the imagination allows.


:iagree:


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## keko

EleGirl said:


> This does not mean that they were absolutely having sex.


Correct. It does NOT mean they had sex 100% guaranteed but it does mean 99% they did.


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## Chaparral

How long married, kids?


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## Chaparral

Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything! 

Like | Talk with a Live Online Counselor


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## Chaparral

You need todo the 180 now. She is just lying about evreything. Who told you he was single, cheaters lie about everything. You already know she lied about stopping contact.

Put a VAR in her car. If she doesn't let you see her texts and emails you know what she is doing.


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## Thor

metluser, welcome to TAM.

First, STFU with your wife. You made the same mistake many of us made, which is confronting without any real proof. So now she knows you are on to her. Even if it was a bit of an emotional thrill which is now over, she knows it was wrong. It may have been more, but whatever it was it crossed the line and was some form of betrayal. That is why she lied.

So STFU and let her think things have calmed down for you.

Next, never ever reveal your sources of intel. If something is going on or was going on, she will hide it deeper underground making it harder for you to detect.

Third, install a bunch of intel gathering tech immediately. You need to know what the facts are of what you are dealing with. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Put a keylogger on the home computer if she does anything on it. Consider something on her cell phone to capture her texts so you can see what she is sending and receiving. Review credit card bills and phone bills online to look for trends or anomalies. In just a couple of days you will have hard data on what is really going on.

It sounds like she maybe got a bit interested in this guy but backed off when he got more serious than she did. Perhaps she liked the flirty attention.

Let's assume that is all it is for now. This is your wake up call! Time to do 2 things. One is establish new specific ground rules. The other is to get on track to fix your marriage. New ground rules should be established using a constructive wording. You want to protect your marriage and you want to avoid even the appearance of outside relationships being questionable. Therefore you two establish transparency. You both have all passwords to all accounts. All email, cell phones, social media, and online financial and phone types of accounts. We in this house have a master list we both have a copy of. No locked devices such as phones or iPads. Second, you both agree to report any questionable advances by another person. If a woman makes an advance, you tell your wife. No deleting of messages. Ditto for her. 

Fixing your marriage means telling her you value your marriage and you want to work on making the relationship stronger and better. Nobody is perfect so both of you can learn to be better partners. You can do self-help books like "5 Love Languages", "Getting the Love You Want", and "Passionate Marriage". You can go to a good marriage therapist.

If your marriage was getting stale and she was starting to look around, this event could be just the perfect thing to get you two back on track for a great marriage. Don't panic yet! But do get that intel tech in place pronto and monitor for a couple of days. Cool your conversations with her about being worried about this other guy. Give her enough rope to hang herself if she is out there cheating. If she's not cheating it will be beneficial for you to have cooled off and taken a more positive approach.


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## metluser

EleGirl said:


> You wife is having what is called an emotional affair. At least it does not sound like it has gone physical yet.
> 
> The first step is that she has to write him a no contact letter and send it to him with you witnessing the send. If you search the internet you will find samples of what a no contact letter should have in it.
> 
> Does she work with this guy?
> 
> Is he married?


That is what I thought at first. And asked her to stop any communication if she wants to rebuild my trust. The fact is I know that she has not stopped it and now I don't know. I know about new skype accounts, new emails and etc... It is sad and funny I think she thinks I am a fool and can't see it....


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## metluser

keko said:


> Correct. It does NOT mean they had sex 100% guaranteed but it does mean 99% they did.


See, I think the same way after everything I saw.... but she will never admits no matter how I talk to her. Also she gets really defensive when I say that I think she might banged him. Something among the line -> I am not a hoe! are you crazy!.... and stops talking to me, because you see she wants to show me that I have offended her.


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## LetDownNTX

metluser said:


> See, I think the same way after everything I saw.... but she will never admits no matter how I talk to her. Also she gets really defensive when I say that I think she might banged him. Something among the line -> I am not a hoe! are you crazy!.... and stops talking to me, because you see she wants to show me that I have offended her.


You need to go hard core 180, she thinks you're stupid. She will never admit to anything you dont have solid proof off and if you keep telling her you know and telling her what you know she is going to take it farther underground.

If she asks if you think she' a hoe...UM YEAH!! You're teasing another man while you are married to me...thats pretty "HOEish"(if she honestly isnt having an affair with him, which I dont believe)!


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## metluser

chapparal said:


> How long married, kids?


1,5 years no kids... I do admit I was stressed out last 3-4 month. I drained my savings to buy a house and furnish it. And I admit that I did not give her as much attention and passionate sex as I used to during this months, but we all have ups and downs and we talked about it, and I thought we were working trough this.... But now this is just completely out of the line. 

Right now she is trying to blame me. She says that I behaved the wrong way that I did not give her quite enough of romance and etc..


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## metluser

LetDownNTX said:


> You need to go hard core 180, she thinks you're stupid. She will never admit to anything you dont have solid proof off and if you keep telling her you know and telling her what you know she is going to take it farther underground.
> 
> If she asks if you think she' a hoe...UM YEAH!! You're teasing another man while you are married to me...thats pretty "HOEish"(if she honestly isnt having an affair with him, which I dont believe)!


Sorry but what do you mean hard core 180?


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## OhGeesh

metluser said:


> That is what I thought at first. And asked her to stop any communication if she wants to rebuild my trust. The fact is I know that she has not stopped it and now I don't know. I know about new skype accounts, new emails and etc... It is sad and funny I think she thinks I am a fool and can't see it....


It's posts like this that prove to me that people in affairs are really ina FOG cause they just don't research.

If she was smart she only contact at work through work which you can't trace. Then download messenging apps to be used over a wifi network and delete them before she gets home. There is no app you can put on a phone to track that and it doesn't show on a bill.

Just gather evidence and then present it once you are 100% sure!!




> 1,5 years no kids... I do admit I was stressed out last 3-4 month. I drained my savings to buy a house and furnish it. And I admit that I did not give her as much attention and passionate sex as I used to during this months, but we all have ups and downs and we talked about it, and I thought we were working trough this.... But now this is just completely out of the line.
> 
> Right now she is trying to blame me. She says that I behaved the wrong way that I did not give her quite enough of romance and etc..


I hate reading stuff like this!! It doesn't make it justified at all, but if your spouse isn't the first in your life everyday there is always some else willing to be. She/he feels lonely, sad, not appreciated, and here comes "player" and he is giving her/him everything she is missing at home. Doesn't make it right in the slightest and I hope your evidence gathering is going well. We have to be aware of that stuff in our marriage.

I know guys who go hunting, fishing, games, every weekend leaving their wife home with the kids. They are playing with fire imo.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Most cheaters swear on their mothers, their children and their lives that they did not cheat.

Now, I am not saying your wife did cheat. You have to find a way to get more information. You need a source, either a friend, or someone. The truth always comes out, one way or another with enough time.


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## warlock07

The Healing Heart: The 180

read the link


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## metluser

chapparal said:


> You need todo the 180 now. She is just lying about evreything. Who told you he was single, cheaters lie about everything. You already know she lied about stopping contact.
> 
> Put a VAR in her car. If she doesn't let you see her texts and emails you know what she is doing.


I now know who the guy is. I know most of his background, relatives and etc... you can buy that info online.


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## metluser

OhGeesh said:


> It's posts like this that prove to me that people in affairs are really ina FOG cause they just don't research.
> 
> If she was smart she only contact at work through work which you can't trace. Then download messenging apps to be used over a wifi network and delete them before she gets home. There is no app you can put on a phone to track that and it doesn't show on a bill.
> 
> Just gather evidence and then present it once you are 100% sure!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I hate reading stuff like this!! It doesn't make it justified at all, but if your spouse isn't the first in your life everyday there is always some else willing to be. She/he feels lonely, sad, not appreciated, and here comes "player" and he is giving her/him everything she is missing at home. Doesn't make it right in the slightest and I hope your evidence gathering is going well. We have to be aware of that stuff in our marriage.
> 
> I know guys who go hunting, fishing, games, every weekend leaving their wife home with the kids. They are playing with fire imo.


Thanks for your advice! Gathering is going well.
I think I have a plan in my mind.

1) Go hard core 180.
2) Gather the evidence - thought it does contradict to some of the rules of 180.
3) Show her all of the evidence along with filled out divorce papers.

By the way after I saw a couple of their conversations and all of the words they have exchanged. I told her that if it will continue that we will be done with her once and for all. She swore that it will not continue.
It does continue! What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


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## metluser

chapparal said:


> Originally Posted by marduk
> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
> 
> Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:
> 
> 1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.
> 
> 2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.
> 
> 3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.
> 
> 4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…
> 
> 5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.
> 
> 6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.
> 
> 7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.
> 
> 8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.
> 
> 9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.
> 
> 10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.
> 
> 11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.
> 
> So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
> 
> Thanks for everything!
> 
> Like | Talk with a Live Online Counselor


Thanks for you post! it did open my eyes on some of things.


----------



## mahike

She may take this underground. If you have not exposed this the OM's wife it may continue. Get the Var for her car. Since you are now looking at phone bills she may get a burner phone or start using FB or google chat

Stay cool and calm


----------



## AngryandUsed

You have been given a good advise.

Like Thor said, you jumped the gun.

She knows that you are watching and it is likely that they will take their affair further underground. It will make evidencing more difficult.

Go to stealth mode.

Stop taking all the blames like you were not giving her attention.....

If there were issues in the relationship, she should talk to you. Work on the issues with you were, together.

Stay strong.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

mahike said:


> She may take this underground. If you have not exposed this the OM's wife it may continue. Get the Var for her car. Since you are now looking at phone bills she may get a burner phone or start using FB or google chat
> 
> Stay cool and calm



Exactly. Never reveal your sources, and never reveal how much you know. Trickle her with what YOU know, all the while telling her you know and you want her to TELL you or else she leaves or you leave.


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


Find whatever evidence there is as fast as possible or else the longer you drag it out the deeper its going to hurt you on the long run.


----------



## Shamwow

metluser said:


> Thanks for your advice! Gathering is going well.
> I think I have a plan in my mind.
> 
> 1) Go hard core 180.
> 2) Gather the evidence - thought it does contradict to some of the rules of 180.
> 3) Show her all of the evidence along with filled out divorce papers.
> 
> By the way after I saw a couple of their conversations and all of the words they have exchanged. I told her that if it will continue that we will be done with her once and for all. She swore that it will not continue.
> It does continue! What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


Good plan, stick to it. And since you gave her a hard boundary, she agreed, and then broke it immediately (contacting OM), you must follow through on the D. She doesn't think you have the cojones. She will respect D papers. And either will accept them or realize the gravity of what she's done...and continues to do. The 180 is your best friend here, stay strong and collected in front of her, no begging, crying, no emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metluser

Shamwow said:


> Good plan, stick to it. And since you gave her a hard boundary, she agreed, and then broke it immediately (contacting OM), you must follow through on the D. She doesn't think you have the cojones. She will respect D papers. And either will accept them or realize the gravity of what she's done...and continues to do. The 180 is your best friend here, stay strong and collected in front of her, no begging, crying, no emotion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. No emotion. And I will take her trough the D as soon as I gather enough. And you are correct she is 100% that I don't have the cojones! 

Thanks for the support guys and gals! I will keep you posted on the situation.


----------



## OhGeesh

metluser said:


> Thanks for your advice! Gathering is going well.
> I think I have a plan in my mind.
> 
> 1) Go hard core 180.
> 2) Gather the evidence - thought it does contradict to some of the rules of 180.
> 3) Show her all of the evidence along with filled out divorce papers.
> 
> By the way after I saw a couple of their conversations and all of the words they have exchanged. I told her that if it will continue that we will be done with her once and for all. She swore that it will not continue.
> It does continue! What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


Good for you man!!! Even if the D doesn't go through it will prove to her once and for all that you not only have Cajones' she also is CLEARLY 100% IN THE WRONG!!


----------



## badbane

From your OP i would say this isn't just a EA. I mean the I love yous and all that usually come after the sex. Not in all cases but usually. You did jump the gun but if you need advice I have a big thread on evidence gathering you can reach by the link in my sig. Ask questions there and many people will be glad to help. You found and exposed their main method of communication. 
You want to find out if the phone is still the main method of communication. IF the texts are gone and she doesn't worry about her phone anymore. Then she moved onto another method of communication be it a burner phone, email, or using skype or another messaging service that uses data rather than sms.

Right now you need to play like everything is normal (the hardest but most vital part). Then gather evidence you know the guy it seems so you should be able to find out if they are meeting. From your OP you told me that they have met in person for a "casual lunch" and his familiarity with your wife is much more than just some guy she is attached to.


----------



## Thor

metluser said:


> By the way after I saw a couple of their conversations and all of the words they have exchanged. I told her that if it will continue that we will be done with her once and for all. She swore that it will not continue.
> It does continue! What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


ShamWow is correct. She violated a clear boundary. If you don't enforce the stated consequences she will never respect you.

The fact she continued contact is prima facie evidence she is cheating. The contact itself was cheating.

Presenting her with D paperwork is the only hammer you have left. 

If you go to her nicely and ask her to try to help fix the marriage she will not respond the way you hope. Read around here and other sites and you'll learn she is literally an addict right now. A brain chemical high. Like an alcoholic or a pain pill addict she isn't going to see your logic and just give it up.

Really with the short time you have together and with no kids, you are far better off to get this thing properly sorted one way or another.


----------



## walkonmars

Her user name "your bonita" (your beauty) is very disrespectful to you it should have been "metlusers bonita". 

Her user name invites trolls and tells them she's ready to play. This may not be the first guy.

Keep to your plan - it's a good one. But I think you are not going to like what you find. Prepare yourself mentally to be shocked. 

At your age she should be totally focused on you. Your marriage is very young and if you don't act with determination it won't last long. Be strong now and avoid years of regret. 

Even if this works out fine for now DO NOT have children with this woman for at least a few years.


----------



## metluser

Thor said:


> metluser, welcome to TAM.
> 
> First, STFU with your wife. You made the same mistake many of us made, which is confronting without any real proof. So now she knows you are on to her. Even if it was a bit of an emotional thrill which is now over, she knows it was wrong. It may have been more, but whatever it was it crossed the line and was some form of betrayal. That is why she lied.
> 
> So STFU and let her think things have calmed down for you.
> 
> Next, never ever reveal your sources of intel. If something is going on or was going on, she will hide it deeper underground making it harder for you to detect.
> 
> Third, install a bunch of intel gathering tech immediately. You need to know what the facts are of what you are dealing with. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Put a keylogger on the home computer if she does anything on it. Consider something on her cell phone to capture her texts so you can see what she is sending and receiving. Review credit card bills and phone bills online to look for trends or anomalies. In just a couple of days you will have hard data on what is really going on.
> 
> It sounds like she maybe got a bit interested in this guy but backed off when he got more serious than she did. Perhaps she liked the flirty attention.
> 
> Let's assume that is all it is for now. This is your wake up call! Time to do 2 things. One is establish new specific ground rules. The other is to get on track to fix your marriage. New ground rules should be established using a constructive wording. You want to protect your marriage and you want to avoid even the appearance of outside relationships being questionable. Therefore you two establish transparency. You both have all passwords to all accounts. All email, cell phones, social media, and online financial and phone types of accounts. We in this house have a master list we both have a copy of. No locked devices such as phones or iPads. Second, you both agree to report any questionable advances by another person. If a woman makes an advance, you tell your wife. No deleting of messages. Ditto for her.
> 
> Fixing your marriage means telling her you value your marriage and you want to work on making the relationship stronger and better. Nobody is perfect so both of you can learn to be better partners. You can do self-help books like "5 Love Languages", "Getting the Love You Want", and "Passionate Marriage". You can go to a good marriage therapist.
> 
> If your marriage was getting stale and she was starting to look around, this event could be just the perfect thing to get you two back on track for a great marriage. Don't panic yet! But do get that intel tech in place pronto and monitor for a couple of days. Cool your conversations with her about being worried about this other guy. Give her enough rope to hang herself if she is out there cheating. If she's not cheating it will be beneficial for you to have cooled off and taken a more positive approach.


Thanks Thor! this is good advice. I am gathering intel right now and now I think I am finding out the truth that hurts.

Also I talked to her about the ground rules! she did agree to everything. But my sources tell me now that this is simply another lie.


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Her user name "your bonita" (your beauty) is very disrespectful to you it should have been "metlusers bonita".
> 
> Her user name invites trolls and tells them she's ready to play. This may not be the first guy.
> 
> Keep to your plan - it's a good one. But I think you are not going to like what you find. Prepare yourself mentally to be shocked.
> 
> At your age she should be totally focused on you. Your marriage is very young and if you don't act with determination it won't last long. Be strong now and avoid years of regret.
> 
> Even if this works out fine for now DO NOT have children with this woman for at least a few years.


Oh no. I will not be able to have a children with a person I can't trust.

To be honest this is what I am afraid of... the regret I will have in the future(could've, should've)... I know that I will know the truth, I just don't know if I will be able to fix it.


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Her user name "your bonita" (your beauty) is very disrespectful to you it should have been "metlusers bonita".
> 
> Her user name invites trolls and tells them she's ready to play. This may not be the first guy.
> 
> Keep to your plan - it's a good one. But I think you are not going to like what you find. Prepare yourself mentally to be shocked.
> 
> At your age she should be totally focused on you. Your marriage is very young and if you don't act with determination it won't last long. Be strong now and avoid years of regret.
> 
> Even if this works out fine for now DO NOT have children with this woman for at least a few years.


"You Bonita" is her signature in her email account that is specifically opened for communication with this guy.


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> "You Bonita" is her signature in her email account that is specifically opened for communication with this guy.


Shameful. I wonder if he gave her that name - or does she use it with you?


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Shameful. I wonder if he gave her that name - or does she use it with you?


Nah it is the name he gave her.... I don't speak Spanish.. so...


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> Oh no. I will not be able to have a children with a person I can't trust.
> 
> To be honest this is what I am afraid of... the regret I will have in the future(could've, should've)... I know that I will know the truth, I just don't know if I will be able to fix it.


There are hundreds if not thousands of young women that are within your driving distance. You are young and have a job, you will have no trouble finding a loyal woman to fall in love with. A woman who will love only you, one who will be a true partner. 

Not looking for one now will be the regret if your wife returns to her wayward ways in 15 yrs when you have two kids, one with a fever, and your wife texting away. Then you will remember the things we said today.


----------



## Chaparral

You could just tell her "Hey bonita, do you know how many women around here are looking for a good man that would die for them and not cheat?"


----------



## TDSC60

Lies, secret email accounts and skype accounts. She is taking her affair underground. Trying to find secret ways of communication that you cannot monitor or find.

Plus - going out for lunch with him - Dude!! Your wife is going on dates with another man? How can you be OK with that?

She is deep into this affair. She will never tell you the truth until she is caught red-handed. Even then she will only admit to what you can prove.

You already have enough evidence of her cheating in my opinion. 

Go on line and print out divorce papers. Fill out your part and hand them to her. Tell her you have had enough of her lies. (paperwork is not official until it is filed with the courts. So this is more of a "shock therapy" move.)

See what happens.


----------



## Cubby

metluser said:


> 1,5 years no kids... I do admit I was stressed out last 3-4 month. I drained my savings to buy a house and furnish it. And I admit that I did not give her as much attention and passionate sex as I used to during this months, but we all have ups and downs and we talked about it, and I thought we were working trough this.... But now this is just completely out of the line.
> 
> Right now she is trying to blame me. She says that I behaved the wrong way that I did not give her quite enough of romance and etc..


Of course she's blaming you. That's all part of the predictable script. She likes being with her predator-other man. In fact, she likes it a lot. Her brain is being flooded with the pleasurable dopamine chemical. But there's a problem. The logical part of her brain says it's wrong. Now how does she resolve that conflict going on inside her brain? Here's where her rationalization hamster will come to the rescue and declare that it's your fault.


----------



## KanDo

metluser said:


> Thanks for your advice! Gathering is going well.
> I think I have a plan in my mind.
> 
> 1) Go hard core 180.
> 2) Gather the evidence - thought it does contradict to some of the rules of 180.
> 3) Show her all of the evidence along with filled out divorce papers.
> 
> By the way after I saw a couple of their conversations and all of the words they have exchanged. I told her that if it will continue that we will be done with her once and for all. She swore that it will not continue.
> It does continue! What is stopping me from leaving right now is that I really want to be 100% sure that she has cheated even though the fact that she lied again is already a huge deal. My mind tells me that she did, but at same time I really really don't want this to be true.


*Please!* You already know *everything* your need to know. You are making up excuses not to act. She continues in an emtional affair and is lying about it! You don't need to now that it has been physical (I'm confident it has). It doesn't matter. She is disrespecting you and chosing her affair partner over her marriage. Gather up your cajones and take a stand for yourself. She doesn't respect you and never will if you don't respect yourself. Do the 180. File and expose. If she repents, you can consider recovery. If not, you are better off. You story is no different than mine or countless others. (if you want a preview, you can read my tale in the link from my signature). 
Please don't go another day without action. The wayward spouse will just take it further underground.

Good luck


----------



## metluser

TDSC60 said:


> Lies, secret email accounts and skype accounts. She is taking her affair underground. Trying to find secret ways of communication that you cannot monitor or find.
> 
> Plus - going out for lunch with him - Dude!! Your wife is going on dates with another man? How can you be OK with that?
> 
> She is deep into this affair. She will never tell you the truth until she is caught red-handed. Even then she will only admit to what you can prove.
> 
> You already have enough evidence of her cheating in my opinion.
> 
> Go on line and print out divorce papers. Fill out your part and hand them to her. Tell her you have had enough of her lies. (paperwork is not official until it is filed with the courts. So this is more of a "shock therapy" move.)
> 
> See what happens.


Yep that is what I think as well. It is all silly bull**** these friendly lunches and etc...


----------



## GutPunch

metluser said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number.
> 
> 
> Ouch....looks to familiar to me. That's how I busted my wife. Had the number stored under a girls name. Type the number in a facebook search and here comes dude.
> 
> You need to set boundaries and have severe consequences pronto


----------



## jfv

Metluser, you gave her a hard boundary (no contact) and she crossed it. What consequences are you giving her for this?


----------



## Tony55

You need to keep in mind that you aren't just talking to her, you're talking to both of them, and they're both responding to your inquiries. Do you understand? Everything you're saying to her is being discussed with him, he's her confidant now, not you, it's them against you.

*I wouldn't tolerate this, it wouldn't matter to me what they've done, after discovering 1000 texts and lies. She's his chick now, treat her that way.*

T


----------



## metluser

jfv said:


> Metluser, you gave her a hard boundary (no contact) and she crossed it. What consequences are you giving her for this?


I am going to proceed with Divorce now. Today something popped up that I will not tolerate... She was talking **** about me behind my back with this guy yesterday on skype. She did made some kind of monster out of me.... which is a complete lie. Also she told him that after I confronted her the first time she was lying with an ache in her heart and could not stand me..... WTF??? we had a bonding sex right after that fight!.... 

Here is one part of the congo:

The Wife to this Guy:

could u please get off my head?)

my mind still denies to believe that it could be seroius for u...

i mean, i should just let u go and build your happiness with someone else....but my soul is crying if i think i would lose u..


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> I am going to proceed with Divorce now. Today something popped up that I will not tolerate... She was talking **** about me behind my back with this guy yesterday on skype. She did made some kind of monster out of me.... which is a complete lie. Also she told him that after I confronted her the first time she was lying with an ache in her heart and could not stand me..... WTF??? we had a bonding sex right after that fight!....
> 
> Here is one part of the congo:
> 
> The Wife to this Guy:
> 
> could u please get off my head?)
> 
> my mind still denies to believe that it could be seroius for u...
> 
> i mean, i should just let u go and build your happiness with someone else....but my soul is crying if i think i would lose u..


We all knew she was belittling you to him and everyone else. It gives her a "right" to conduct herself unfaithfully.

Make her dreams come true. Cut her loose. Watch her dreams evaporate.


----------



## tom67

walkonmars said:


> We all knew she was belittling you to him and everyone else. It gives her a "right" to conduct herself unfaithfully.
> 
> Make her dreams come true. Cut her loose. Watch her dreams evaporate.


Play it cool don't tell her you are filing and serve her at work, BAM right upside the head surprise. Expose her to her family and friends now keep silent on the d jmo.


----------



## Ostera

This thread is killing me.. I hated seeing the calls to her xh on her phone, then denying or 'not remembering' making them in the middle of the night..

I really hope your situation doesn't turn out like mine. Somewhere, there has to be a success story .


----------



## metluser

Well it is pretty clear to me why she is afraid to lose me. I make enough money to pay all of the bills and she does not have to worry about any financial aspects of our lives.


----------



## metluser

In fact she goes to school right now for my money that I earn! and that guy is from her school.....


----------



## TDSC60

metluser said:


> I am going to proceed with Divorce now. Today something popped up that I will not tolerate... She was talking **** about me behind my back with this guy yesterday on skype. She did made some kind of monster out of me.... which is a complete lie. Also she told him that after I confronted her the first time she was lying with an ache in her heart and could not stand me..... WTF??? we had a bonding sex right after that fight!....
> 
> Here is one part of the congo:
> 
> The Wife to this Guy:
> 
> could u please get off my head?)
> 
> my mind still denies to believe that it could be seroius for u...
> 
> i mean, i should just let u go and build your happiness with someone else....but my soul is crying if i think i would lose u..


Sickening. Soulmate crap.

Tell her that you only want her to be happy - that you do not deserve to have her as your wife (you deserve better). Now get the f*ck out of your house and go be happy somewhere else without you.


----------



## TDSC60

metluser said:


> In fact she goes to school right now for my money that I earn! and that guy is from her school.....


You are the bank and security.

He is her soul mate, confidant and lover.

Let him have her - ASAP.

You will be much better off in the long run and much happier without her and all the drama she brings.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

metluser said:


> I am going to proceed with Divorce now.




Actions speak louder than words. You can always turn back whenever you want but as of now keep her as plan b and D as plan A.


----------



## TDSC60

If it has not been mentioned before.

If you have joint bank accounts, then open up a new one in your name only. Have you salary deposited into the new one. Cancel any joint credit cards. Get new ones in your name only. If you have life insurance - change the beneficiary to NOT HER.

Do not pay for any more classes for her.


----------



## walkonmars

Is he a student or staff member?


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Is he a student or staff member?


Student. I can not even imagine where she could cheat physically... I mean really how low could she get???


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> Student. I can not even imagine where she could cheat physically... *I mean really how low could she get???*


Read some threads. I think you're in for a very rude awakening.


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> Student. I can not even imagine where she could cheat physically... I mean really how low could she get???


She would never cut class to go to a park or hotel right? Check your credit card statements, ATM withdrawls, etc.


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> Student. I can not even imagine where she could cheat physically... I mean really how low could she get???


Do you ever watch or read the news? This crap happens on a daily basis! This kind of behavior lost it's shock value half a century ago. You need to pull your head out of sand and take a look around.

Seriously.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> Read some threads. I think you're in for a very rude awakening.


Yes I know. there are multiple places.... to this moment I just refused to believe that it can be her. You know what I am gonna go ahead and just post that Convo I was able to intercept from yesterday... I don't really care anymore...

I think it is pretty clear what is happening... Papers are ready don't know if there is anything more that I need at this point.....

From this convo it sounds like I am some kind of possessive psycho and will kill them both.... riiight... they are talking about "mistake"....

the wife
12/26/12 2:14 PM

he found out about mail.com accoun

account
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:15 PM

How?
the wife
12/26/12 2:15 PM

via internet router

and he knows about this skype account

he knows everything
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:16 PM

Are you serious?
the wife
12/26/12 2:16 PM

but he can-t sleep because he doesn't know what was in our 800 texts and skype chat

he got only pieces of chat in skype

feels as i am in a trap
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:18 PM

Baby do you need me to stop talking to you until we go back to school? Or until you go back to school and see you there?
the wife
12/26/12 2:18 PM

are u going to take classes?
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:19 PM

Im not, but I'm still going to school to see you!!
the wife
12/26/12 2:19 PM

you are crazy

))

i wish i could tell you all this in person

my mind tells me to stop all this cause it is super risky eve i am texting now...
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:21 PM

Why baby??
the wife
12/26/12 2:21 PM

but my soul is crying
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:21 PM

Can't imagine being without you!!
the wife
12/26/12 2:22 PM

his condition to me is STOP ANY INTERACTIONS wih yiu..

you

how was your christmas?
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:22 PM

All these days, even though I'm w my family all happy, I'm sad by the inside cause I haven't heard anything about you
the wife
12/26/12 2:23 PM

ohh....
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:23 PM

It was ALMOST amazing! Yoy were the only person missing so it could be the BEST one!!

What about yours?
the wife
12/26/12 2:24 PM

fighting all day long and then lying in my bed with terrible ache inside me

all i need to know you are happy...

we have to stop talking until we get back to school...
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:41 PM

And I can't even sleep, just cause I'm waiting to hear about you!

Are you sure baby? If that's what you want ok, I will miss you like crazy!

Crying
the wife
12/26/12 2:53 PM

i have no choice despite of i want it or not....we must stop all the conversations...for our sake..
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:56 PM

Our?? I don't think that's my sake... But I will respect what you choose!
the wife
12/26/12 2:57 PM

it's for our sake...otherwise...i am afraid what could happen..i am scared
Another Dude
12/26/12 2:59 PM

Listen The Wife... I will do whatever keeps yoy safe! And if the hardest decisions will keep you safe, then I will follow them as you say! I JUST KNOW that some day not to far we will be together because I won't give up on you!!!
the wife
12/26/12 3:00 PM

he keeps threatening he will do smth to u in case u don't leave me..even at school...

that's why i am following these conditions...i must keep u safe!!
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:01 PM

Then I will face him! But I repeat myself... I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU!!!
the wife
12/26/12 3:02 PM

ohh..Another Dude, why is everything about me so complicated???!! i hate myself in such situations..
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:05 PM

And I'm so sorry for making you go thru this, but now, I'm following my feelings!!!.The Wife, Bonita I fell for you, badly!!!
the wife
12/26/12 3:06 PM

why are u saying that??!! by the way, that what makes him go nuts that u said in your last e-mail ..that you love me...he can't admit it!
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:09 PM

Baby because the reason why you can't live happy is my fault!!! I'm glad he knows it now, so he can have a tiny idea of serious I'm being!!!

How* serious
the wife
12/26/12 3:10 PM

that is not your fault...stop saying that..i am the one who let all this happened..
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:13 PM

I don't care whos fault was it... I'm happy we made that mistake, because so far, you've gave me the moments that I've wished for t happen!!
the wife
12/26/12 3:14 PM

our passion for romantic gonna kill us one day....
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:18 PM

If we die together, I wouldn't care!!!
the wife
12/26/12 3:18 PM

you are loco....))
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:19 PM

Haha por ti mi vida! =)
the wife
12/26/12 3:20 PM

u can not imagine how sick he is..

i didn't realize till last Monday..
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:23 PM

Why? What did he do?

That fight?
the wife
12/26/12 3:24 PM

i am living in the hell for ten days already..he involved even my mom in it..
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:24 PM

By telling her, or how?
the wife
12/26/12 3:25 PM

yeap, today i was listening to her for 3 hours how bad wife i am...

i know..i know. that i am not the best wife ever..but there is a resonn for it...

*what a bad wife i am

babe, i have to leave now..do not respond after this message..
Another Dude
12/26/12 3:29 PM

That's what I've told you all this time! There is always a reason for people to do something others don't like! Like being ”a bad wife”. I actually think you are the greatest wife, except your husband doesn't see it like that, because he does not appreciate you and does NOT deserve the great woman you are!!!
the wife
1:45 PM

This message has been removed.


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> She would never cut class to go to a park or hotel right? Check your credit card statements, ATM withdrawls, etc.


Yes I checked all of that. Everything seems to be alright. The attendance list is fine as well. THough you know she could have left earlier with him.


----------



## keko

Can she access your bank accounts? 

Do you have any valuable items inside your house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metluser

keko said:


> Can she access your bank accounts?
> 
> Do you have any valuable items inside your house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well there are some valuable things in the house. I really don't need any of those things...

Financially the only thing that I share with her is discover credit card....


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> Well there are some valuable things in the house. I really don't need any of those things...
> 
> Financially the only thing that I share with her is discover credit card....


Cancel it....now.


----------



## walkonmars

Ohhhh, isn't that just toooo sweeeet! He thinks she the greatest wife ever!

Save that text and wait a year after they've been married. Send it to him then and watch him choke on his own words as he wonders why Bonita is late this time.

Such immaturity.


----------



## kenmoore14217

MT, she's got a big lead on you as of now. You need to cut finances immediately if not sooner!! Don't tell her, just do it. Start putting stuff away, hidden somewhere else that she can't get to. You are now in some sort of combat and you need to take care of yourself. Just because you make a lot of money doesn't mean she can't tap it!!!!! BEWARE


----------



## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> Ohhhh, isn't that just toooo sweeeet! He thinks she the greatest wife ever!
> 
> Save that text and wait a year after they've been married. Send it to him then and watch him choke on his own words as he wonders why Bonita is late this time.
> 
> Such immaturity.


I know it's not funny to the OP, but I actually LOL'd at that middle school drivel.


----------



## metluser

I know! I know! it does sound like middle school drivel... which makes it even harder to believe that she would be sold on this BS... Well apparently I had no idea with whom I am sharing my life...

I just found out that she deleted him from that secret skype account. Though also I found out that she created another facebook page... and took this guys last name there.... As sad as it is I do admit that it sounds almost comical... Oh yeah and the password that she chose was love{guysName}2012.... Goodness Gracious! how can anyone in their 25-28 years can be this immature.


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> I know! I know! it does sound like middle school drivel... which makes it even harder to believe that she would be sold on this BS... Well apparently I had no idea with whom I am sharing my life...
> 
> I just found out that she deleted him from that secret skype account. Though also I found out that she created another facebook page... and took this guys last name there.... As sad as it is I do admit that it sounds almost comical... Oh yeah and the password that she chose was love{guysName}2012.... Goodness Gracious! how can anyone in their 25-28 years can be this immature.


LOL....happens everyday pal.

So what do you want to do? The POSOB schoolboy wants to talk to you? Make it happen. He's just posturing for your WW. If you were to actually approach him, he'd tuck tail and run like the coward he truly is.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> LOL....happens everyday pal.
> 
> So what do you want to do? The POSOB schoolboy wants to talk to you? Make it happen. He's just posturing for your WW. If you were to actually approach him, he'd tuck tail and run like the coward he truly is.


I actually tried to call him at the beginning of all of this BS.... you know just to find out who the hack was texting her. He never picked up the phone never responded. No nothing.... I guess because he already knew that I confronted my wife about this... I guess she told him.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> LOL....happens everyday pal.
> 
> So what do you want to do? The POSOB schoolboy wants to talk to you? Make it happen. He's just posturing for your WW. If you were to actually approach him, he'd tuck tail and run like the coward he truly is.


The fact that she lies to me drives me nuts and that she gets sold on such BS also drives my crazy! There so many guys that would want to have my wife because she is attractive, I was always cool about that because somehow I was sure that she would not respond to any of that. 

I made a mistake confronting her to early without gathering much information.

Quite a lot of events in like 5 days.... Like I said completely out of the blue...


----------



## weightlifter

you are going for the d right? she is gone you know. lessee male with good income aged 25 to 28. nah. no demand for those.
ya know the payment on next semester is due soon... just sayin.... oops forgot.


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## metluser

I am still going to proceed with D though.


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## TDSC60

metluser said:


> I am still going to proceed with D though.


Wow. That convo was even more sickening than the other one you posted.

She is not just in a fog. She is over the next mountain and across the river gone.

You are, and will be the monster now. She even hints that you might get violent and she MUST protect HIM. What garbage. So they both agreed to stop electronic communications until school starts back so they can be with each other in person.

Take your divorce papers to a lawyer and file them with the court and have her served. 

Make sure all finances are separated and she cannot access anything.

Tell her the internet connection at the house is screwed up and unplug the modem and take the router for "repairs". If her phone is on your account cancel it.

Women like this and her POSOM make me sick.

If you know his name - put him on cheaterville.com.


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## Acabado

> I don't care whos fault was it... I'm happy we made that mistake, because so far, you've gave me the moments that I've wished for t happen!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:14 PM


Any doubt it's a full blown PA?


----------



## 3putt

No matter what happens from this point forward, let's blow this little prick out the water for what he is and at the same time blow this little fantasy world that your WW created for herself sky high.

You in? Or am I wasting my time?


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## metluser

I am done with her once and for all. Serving her with papers...


----------



## loveisforever

metluser said:


> See, I think the same way after everything I saw.... but she will never admits no matter how I talk to her. Also she gets really defensive when I say that I think she might banged him. Something among the line -> I am not a hoe! are you crazy!.... and stops talking to me, because you see she wants to show me that I have offended her.


She has behaved like a ***** already by going out with OM many times with a good deal of messages following up.

The way she defended herself-trying to pretend to be offend-is a common technique a liar would use, which means she has already has the affair: How dare you can confirm with me without showing me your hard evidence!

She thinks only them (she and OM) has the hard evidence. You? Not a chance!


----------



## TDSC60

metluser said:


> I am done with her once and for all. Serving her with papers...


When she learns of the divorce, she will want to talk about it. She will lie and deny all. Do not engage in any arguments or discussion. Just tell her you know everything and are through with her. 

Next will come the tears, denials and more lying to you. Then it will be anger and threats and how it is all your fault and you drove her to fulfill her "needs" elsewhere. 

Then you will be the worst husband on the face of the earth. All the things she has been saying about you to her friends and POSOM, she will say to you.

Don't argue with her. Be indifferent. Stay strong. Don't cave. You will have a better life without her around.


----------



## loveisforever

metluser said:


> Student. I can not even imagine where she could cheat physically... I mean really how low could she get???


Below what you want to believe for yourself.


----------



## loveisforever

metluser said:


> I know! I know! it does sound like middle school drivel... which makes it even harder to believe that she would be sold on this BS... Well apparently I had no idea with whom I am sharing my life...
> 
> I just found out that she deleted him from that secret skype account. Though also I found out that she created another facebook page... and took this guys last name there.... As sad as it is I do admit that it sounds almost comical... Oh yeah and the password that she chose was love{guysName}2012.... Goodness Gracious! how can anyone in their 25-28 years can be this immature.


"how can anyone in their 25-28 years can be this immature."

Do you understand that they are behave like a couple in their honeymoon? Do you still believe PA is hard to believe? You are not facing reality if you think they are now only ridiculous and immature.

They are playing tricks on you.


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## jim123

Kick her out. Send her to her parents. Do not help her with school. Do it before the holdiay. Do not mess around. Let her read what you have. Who cares if you are going to file.

He can have her. Move on. There are a lot of good women at there. She will have another moment after she hits 30. Let go now.


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## metluser

I truly think I will be better of without her now. So do you think I should go to a lawyer? I have the divorce papers required by the district court filled out myself today. Marriage is quite short also and I've been paying for her school for 1,5 years since we were married.

You know one thing I recollect now is that this marriage was always about her! all I heard from her - "I..", "Mine...", "I...", "My feelings...". Just made me realize how manipulative she was. 

It is really hard for me to admit that I am doing this... Just a week ago it seemed to me that we were happy or.... but again only to me.


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## jnj express

Don't even bother with her scum lover---let her have him---see how fast that relationship blows up, when they have to FACE REALITY----of paying bills, handling emergencies, working a job

Her lover probably doesn't even work

Dry her up financially, BUT---tell her she will pay half of all bills in re: everything---home, car, all insurances, necessities to live-------if she leaves, she pays for her own apt., but is still responsible for half of all marital bills---cancel any CC, with her name on it----go completely dark on her----you go NC, on her---no more arguments---no nothing---SHE DOES NOT EXIST---by law she will be entitled to live in the marital home if she wants to---fine---put her in a small room, somewhere in the house with all her belongings thrown into that room

Make sure you file for the D, and stay the course----do not under any circumstances---become mr. nice-guy, or lovey-dovey---cuz she will try to worm her way back in, by attempting to manipulate you with sex----she does not wanna lose her cushy lifestyle---and she knows what will be in store, if you do follow thru with a D.


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## metluser

So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...


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## Shaggy

Post the OM on cheaterville.com tonight.


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## sandc

And tell her madre pronto.


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## warlock07

metluser said:


> So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
> Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...


She will be meeting her bf to tell him how she was busted and discuss her future plans . Don't expect her to come back for a while. She idealized him and their relationship while demonizing you. The affair is physical.

And yes. "she is a hoe". She got caught red handed and is trying to save face by attacking you. Prepare yourself for attacks on your character and your failing as a husband in the next few days.


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## Will_Kane

metluser said:


> So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. *Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. *Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
> Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...


Do not underestimate what she will do to perpetuate her lie or keep from being labeled a cheater. She already told other man she is afraid for her own safety and his safety. She seems a little crazy from what you are posting. Also like she acts first and thinks later. Dangerous. We know she was not really afraid of you or for other man's safety, but she has shown you that she is willing to lie about it. Be ready just in case.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and keep it on you at all times. Record all of your conversations with your wife. This possibly could save you from big problems later.

If the police show up, remain as calm and unemotional as possible. Keep your hands in sight, if you are going to take your wallet out, tell them, "I'm going to take my wallet out of my pants, OK?" before you do it. In other words, demonstrate to them that you are not a threat. If you have the incident they are responding to on the recorder, let them know and play it back for them. No matter what, stay CALM and UNEMOTIONAL, even if they arrest you. Getting excited and emotional will not help you no matter what.


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## tom67

Call her mother and everyone else asap and tell them the truth.


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## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Call her mother and everyone else asap and tell them the truth.


Call her mother and everyone else asap and tell them the truth


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## tom67

chapparal said:


> Call her mother and everyone else asap and tell them the truth


Like a friend told me, just read the black parts


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## ArmyofJuan

metluser said:


> So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
> Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...


Not necessarily, sometimes a BS has to do things the hard way to prove to themselves they tried to save it even if the battle was already lost from the beginning. This is how you learn.

I have a little experience in this kind of behavior though.

She is a narcissist and manipulator. Because of thier ego and entitlement issues, their first reactions tend to be aggressive like this is order to force their will. They threaten and try to turn the tables on you even though they are in the wrong. It's almost always their first knee jerk reacts because they are cornered and defensive. The best thing you can do is ignore it.

I know a guy like this, he spends his first week trying to destroy this woman’s life when she doesn’t give in to him. It always fails and the next week he starts the kiss a$$ routine where he is sending flowers/money undoing all the damage he did the week before and begging her back. He has literally done this a hundred times over the course of 6 years that he has been with his mistress (he is a serial cheater and on his 3rd or 4th D filing but still married I think). 

Go silent and wait. There is a good chance she’ll come crawling back if you hold your ground BUT knowing she is this way I’d be heading to a D full blast. She is not a good W and nobody should put up with her nonsense. You are asking for a world of hurt if you stay with her no question. She is dishonest and resents you, don't waste your time with someone like this.


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## Cubby

Why do I have this nagging feeling that when the wayward wife now goes to the other man (boy?) he's not going to be quite as enthusiastic about his "love" for her as he was when everything was done in secrecy. It's just not going to be the same.


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## Thor

Yes you need a lawyer. If everything goes smoothly it won't cost much. Your future is on the line here, so don't be cheap.

This is now an adversarial situation, and she is going to do her best to harm you. Beware the false allegations and her calling 911. As has been advised by others, get a VAR and have it on you at all times. See if you can legally change the locks on your home to keep her out. Secure all of your evidence with backups she cannot get to.

Dadsdivorce.com has a lot of good info which you might find helpful.

You can try to ask her for an uncontested divorce. Present her with a court acceptable document with your terms, and make them reasonably fair so she might be tempted to sign it. Offer to quietly go away if she makes this simple and quick. Be polite and avoid harsh words in this conversation (if possible).

It is worth a try. But if she fights, you need to have a shark on your side.


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## keko

She'll be back don't worry. 

But don't expect her to apologize and take the blame for her actions. She'll blame you for invading her privacy and ending the marriage.


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## Numbersixxx

metluser said:


> I truly think I will be better of without her now. So do you think I should go to a lawyer? I have the divorce papers required by the district court filled out myself today. Marriage is quite short also and I've been paying for her school for 1,5 years since we were married.
> 
> You know one thing I recollect now is that this marriage was always about her! all I heard from her - "I..", "Mine...", "I...", "My feelings...". Just made me realize how manipulative she was.
> 
> It is really hard for me to admit that I am doing this... Just a week ago it seemed to me that we were happy or.... but again only to me.


Your relationship was basically a host-parasite symbiosis. Remember, a parasite needs a host, but the host doesn't need the parasite.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

chapparal said:


> Call her mother and everyone else asap and tell them the truth




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## TDSC60

Consult an attorney. Usually the first consult does not cost anything. You might want to consider an initial retainer just to keep the attorney handy. 

You might be able to get through the divorce without one, but I have seen judges and the courts do some crazy things.

The attorney will protect your interest and give you a heads-up about what to expect.

Why are divorce lawyers so expensive? - They are worth it.


----------



## TDSC60

metluser said:


> So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
> Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...


You got those joint credit cards cancelled and bank accounts separated- right?


----------



## metluser

TDSC60 said:


> You got those joint credit cards cancelled and bank accounts separated- right?


Bank accounts were already separate. CC is cancelled. Passwords are changed everywhere.


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## tom67

metluser said:


> Bank accounts were already separate. CC is cancelled. Passwords are changed everywhere.


Very good now have you exposed to friends and family.


----------



## Almostrecovered

metluser said:


> how was your christmas?
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:22 PM
> 
> All these days, even though I'm w my family all happy, I'm sad by the inside cause I haven't heard anything about you
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:23 PM


by family does he mean his parents or is he married?


----------



## metluser

tom67 said:


> Very good now have you exposed to friends and family.


I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.

I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


----------



## tom67

metluser said:


> I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.
> 
> I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


This was her doing not yours you did the right thing by exposing that will be the only shot at getting her back is to show consequences for her decisions DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.
> 
> I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


And you heard this straight from her mother's mouth?


----------



## GutPunch

Don't feel bad for telling the truth. You are the victim here. She needs the jolt to wake her butt up. She willl try to bully you first and when that doesn't work here comes the I Love You's and sex. Don't take the bait.


----------



## sandc

metluser said:


> I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.
> 
> I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


Don't sink to her level. Revenge affairs never help. They only make you feel worse. You are honorable and keep your promises no matter who or what your wife is.


----------



## Jibril

metluser said:


> I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.
> 
> I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


As others have said, do NOT feel bad. As the old adage goes, "You reap what you sow." SHE did this, not you. All you're doing is making her take responsibility for her actions. Of course she's going to be mad. She expected you to sweep this all under the rug and allow her to keep up appearances. Now her family know her for the cheating snake she has become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000

Ok so I am just responding to the original post before reading the rest of this. Then I will read the rest.



metluser said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number.
> 
> Very *inappropriate* at the least but likely unfaithful. This indicates obsession. Not good no matter the sex of the individual frankly but this being an opposite sex friend it by iteself indicates a serious problem. An EA. The next thing to do would have been to take a closer look at the messages. I believe in transparency so you should have had access to her accounts anyway. If not, that IMO is not a good policy. However that would nopt deter me from doing my duty as her spouse to protect the marriage. No only my right but my responsibility. There is no provacy such as this in a monogamous marriage.
> 
> I asked her if she was texting anyone and received lies in response.
> 
> OMG. So now she is solidly into being *unfaithful*. This is an indicator that she full well knows she is in an affair and is trying to hide things. No innocent we are just friends here. This is not just a problem with poor boundaries. That would be inappropriate. It is has progressed to *unfaithful* at the least.
> 
> Afterwards I looked up this number through some services online and found out that it was some guy.
> 
> I wonder who the guy is. How they met. No doubt this is discussed in the rest of the thread. Of course with just what I have read so far she must go NC with this guy. No contact whatsoever. But indeed this would drive me to want to investigate further. For me a PA is a dealbreaker so while it is urgent to sepearate them it is important to gather evidence to see if reconsiling is worth the effort.
> 
> I confronted her the second time on this issue and asked her to show me the messages if she has nothing to hide and if he is just friend to her.
> 
> Well I am all cool with the confrontation and wanting to see the messages. However the lying and number of messages indicates more than a friend.
> 
> The thing that hurts is that she lied the first time I asked her...
> 
> It should not only hurt. It is unfaithful and indicates your wife is sharing herself in a way with another man that is not compatible with a monogamous marriage.
> 
> I also know that they went out for lunch a couple times and she never picked up her phone during the time she was out for lunch with this guy.
> 
> I see this as dating. Some folks think this is fine. But what matters is *your* marital boundaries. One on one alone time with an OSF. I have no idea what boundaries you guys agreed to in your marriage. My guess is you have none. Just shoot from the hip and all sorts of assumptions. Many peoples false boundary is that if it feels ok it is ok. Of course that is a cheaters boundary.
> 
> She did tell me about that after the fact, that she went out with him.
> 
> Oh so you already knew about this guy? Too bad she did not tell you before she went out to lunch with him. Of course she may have been seen with him. Also notice how you phrased this -- "that she went out with him". Hmmm going ... out.
> 
> I told her like a million times if there is nothing to hide from why do you hide your texts, lock your phones and etc...
> 
> Ok so this is an ongoing issue. She has a separate life from yours. This is not her first rodeo. I see this as a spouse who is not 100% into the marriage. She is not as married to you as you are to her. Now you see why she hides things.
> 
> I do admit I went a little head over the heels with this and might be a little possessive.
> 
> Horse [email protected] Don't be a wuss. You should be sharing your wife with another man. Knock these weak thoughts out of your head. You have been conditioned to fear being a man and being assertive. You fear being called jealous insecure and controlling. Stop that.
> 
> So I think I have done something I should not have, I did snoop her sky conversation with this guy and emails.
> 
> Really? You should not have? Who says? Not only did you have a right to do so, it was on your shoulders to do so. A confident quality man and loving husband would have done this.
> 
> And oh man! She does call him babe and he calls her bonita... her signatures in emails are "your bonita". I did confront her on this one, I could not hold it back...... and she said that they were just emotional friends and that it is nothing for her....
> 
> Total [email protected] This is a full blown EA at the least. Possibly more. It is headed for more.
> 
> I also saw in one of the emails that she is trying to let him go.
> 
> Right. I am trying to cut back on my cocain use. So I know hjow tough that is.
> 
> The guy tells her that she loves her....
> 
> No doubt. He at bleast wants to bang her but he may have fallen in love with her. This happens when we date other people.
> 
> Never saw anything about love from my wife though.....
> 
> She may just be in it for the attention and the sex.
> The cake eating. Hanging with a guy who loves her is *cheating*. Though I have seen people on TAM who insist this does not matter. LOL.
> 
> never saw anything about sex either...
> 
> EAs are emotional. They cause there damage at this level. Then they can go romantic and / or sexual. You do not wait for penetration to stop the affairs. This is brain chemical stuff. It is how the planet was populated and why the world keeps making kids even when there is not enough food.
> 
> just that they guy said that she gave him some moments that he wanted all his life. But I can believe that this level of communication can exist without some kind of intimacy.
> 
> Yes this is all about intimacy. Wow they have already had moments that he wanted all his life.
> 
> She swears that she never crossed this line and gets pretty defensive about it, something among this line - "how could you ever think I would do this! I am not a hoe"
> 
> Well she indeed has crossed all sorts of lines. She is playing just the tip. The thing is that once the brain chemicals start going there is no rational thinking. Yes she is cheating. She is your wife and she is sharing herself with another man to an extent that is no longer faithful. Be prepared for it is just sex. But for she is invoking we are just friends.
> 
> I just can't believe it. It hurts so much right now! I feel so betrayed... I am freaking ready to die for this women on any day and this is what I get back.... I just don't know what to do now.
> 
> You tell her this unacceptable and she must go complete NC with this guy. No compromise. And this means no contact in any way whatsoever. So who is this guy? There will need to be exposure.
> You will require 100% transparency. So complete access to ALL of her accounts. Be prepared for secret accounts and a burner phone. Also be prepared for trickle truth.
> 
> If you do not have children you may end up having to walk away.
> 
> I asked her to stop any conversations with that guy if she wants to get our marriage out of this situation, she said she did but I know she did not(she thinks I am an idiot??).
> 
> Well if she continues to lie then you have your answer. See a lawyer. How old are you guys?
> 
> I lost all my sleep, I can't be productive anymore.... All I think about is this situation.... I really don't know how to recover now... I am thinking about just going away...
> 
> This does not go away. It is a cancer to your marriage. Drug addiction does not just go away. There is much damage to your marriage right now.
> 
> 
> I just don't know what to do next...


----------



## TDSC60

The pain is normal. You have to mourn the death of your marriage and the lose of someone you though loved you. All normal. You may have regrets about the choices you made in confronting her and exposing. Don't. She gave you no choice really.

The anger will return shortly when you begin to rethink the affair timeline, the lies, the deception, the plans to go underground and meet in person when school started back. How she was protecting him from you. How her "soul cried and ached" when she lied to you because she wanted to shout her love for him from the roof tops.

Stay strong. You are on the right path. Don't get side tracked by her lies and deception.

You do know she went straight to him when she left right? Just one more instance of disrespect and deception toward you. It shows she has no feelings or empathy for you. It is all about her.


----------



## 3putt

Jibril said:


> Now her family know her for the cheating snake she has become.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now we don't know for a fact what her family knows, do we? Which is why I asked HOW he knew.


----------



## Entropy3000

metluser said:


> Yes I know. there are multiple places.... to this moment I just refused to believe that it can be her. You know what I am gonna go ahead and just post that Convo I was able to intercept from yesterday... I don't really care anymore...
> 
> I think it is pretty clear what is happening... Papers are ready don't know if there is anything more that I need at this point.....
> 
> From this convo it sounds like I am some kind of possessive psycho and will kill them both.... riiight... they are talking about "mistake"....
> 
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:14 PM
> 
> he found out about mail.com accoun
> 
> account
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:15 PM
> 
> How?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:15 PM
> 
> via internet router
> 
> and he knows about this skype account
> 
> he knows everything
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:16 PM
> 
> Are you serious?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:16 PM
> 
> but he can-t sleep because he doesn't know what was in our 800 texts and skype chat
> 
> he got only pieces of chat in skype
> 
> feels as i am in a trap
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:18 PM
> 
> Baby do you need me to stop talking to you until we go back to school? Or until you go back to school and see you there?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:18 PM
> 
> are u going to take classes?
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:19 PM
> 
> Im not, but I'm still going to school to see you!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:19 PM
> 
> you are crazy
> 
> ))
> 
> i wish i could tell you all this in person
> 
> my mind tells me to stop all this cause it is super risky eve i am texting now...
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:21 PM
> 
> Why baby??
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:21 PM
> 
> but my soul is crying
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:21 PM
> 
> Can't imagine being without you!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:22 PM
> 
> his condition to me is STOP ANY INTERACTIONS wih yiu..
> 
> you
> 
> how was your christmas?
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:22 PM
> 
> All these days, even though I'm w my family all happy, I'm sad by the inside cause I haven't heard anything about you
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:23 PM
> 
> ohh....
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:23 PM
> 
> It was ALMOST amazing! Yoy were the only person missing so it could be the BEST one!!
> 
> What about yours?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:24 PM
> 
> fighting all day long and then lying in my bed with terrible ache inside me
> 
> all i need to know you are happy...
> 
> we have to stop talking until we get back to school...
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:41 PM
> 
> And I can't even sleep, just cause I'm waiting to hear about you!
> 
> Are you sure baby? If that's what you want ok, I will miss you like crazy!
> 
> Crying
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:53 PM
> 
> i have no choice despite of i want it or not....we must stop all the conversations...for our sake..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:56 PM
> 
> Our?? I don't think that's my sake... But I will respect what you choose!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 2:57 PM
> 
> it's for our sake...otherwise...i am afraid what could happen..i am scared
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 2:59 PM
> 
> Listen The Wife... I will do whatever keeps yoy safe! And if the hardest decisions will keep you safe, then I will follow them as you say! I JUST KNOW that some day not to far we will be together because I won't give up on you!!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:00 PM
> 
> he keeps threatening he will do smth to u in case u don't leave me..even at school...
> 
> that's why i am following these conditions...i must keep u safe!!
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:01 PM
> 
> Then I will face him! But I repeat myself... I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU!!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:02 PM
> 
> ohh..Another Dude, why is everything about me so complicated???!! i hate myself in such situations..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:05 PM
> 
> And I'm so sorry for making you go thru this, but now, I'm following my feelings!!!.The Wife, Bonita I fell for you, badly!!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:06 PM
> 
> why are u saying that??!! by the way, that what makes him go nuts that u said in your last e-mail ..that you love me...he can't admit it!
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:09 PM
> 
> Baby because the reason why you can't live happy is my fault!!! I'm glad he knows it now, so he can have a tiny idea of serious I'm being!!!
> 
> How* serious
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:10 PM
> 
> that is not your fault...stop saying that..i am the one who let all this happened..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:13 PM
> 
> I don't care whos fault was it... I'm happy we made that mistake, because so far, you've gave me the moments that I've wished for t happen!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:14 PM
> 
> our passion for romantic gonna kill us one day....
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:18 PM
> 
> If we die together, I wouldn't care!!!
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:18 PM
> 
> you are loco....))
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:19 PM
> 
> Haha por ti mi vida! =)
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:20 PM
> 
> u can not imagine how sick he is..
> 
> i didn't realize till last Monday..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:23 PM
> 
> Why? What did he do?
> 
> That fight?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:24 PM
> 
> i am living in the hell for ten days already..he involved even my mom in it..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:24 PM
> 
> By telling her, or how?
> the wife
> 12/26/12 3:25 PM
> 
> yeap, today i was listening to her for 3 hours how bad wife i am...
> 
> i know..i know. that i am not the best wife ever..but there is a resonn for it...
> 
> *what a bad wife i am
> 
> babe, i have to leave now..do not respond after this message..
> Another Dude
> 12/26/12 3:29 PM
> 
> That's what I've told you all this time! There is always a reason for people to do something others don't like! Like being ”a bad wife”. I actually think you are the greatest wife, except your husband doesn't see it like that, because he does not appreciate you and does NOT deserve the great woman you are!!!
> the wife
> 1:45 PM
> 
> This message has been removed.


So I would be done now. I mean I would stop paying for everything and move on. Do not look back.

I see you are moving on. I would get out of there. Not so sure you are safe.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> And you heard this straight from her mother's mouth?


Nope I just know here mother well, her ex husband was a cheater so she knows what I feel...


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> Nope I just know here mother well, her ex husband was a cheater so she knows what I feel...


Okay, let me rephrase the question more directly: Did your WW tell you this?


----------



## metluser

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok so I am just responding to the original post before reading the rest of this. Then I will read the rest.


Thanks for your response! I am seeing a lawyer today going the D path.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> Okay, let me rephrase the question more directly: Did your WW tell you this?


Yeah she was pissed that got her mom involved. Her mom knew about this all along... Because I thought she could help me at the beginning to show her daughter that it is really a cheating.


----------



## metluser

Well she just asked what she could to change my mind. I said you can disappear from my life.


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> Yeah she was pissed that got her mom involved. Her mom knew about this all along... Because I thought she could help me at the beginning to show her daughter that it is really a cheating.


Call her mother. I think you'll be surprised at just how in the dark she is about all this.


----------



## Acabado

metluser said:


> Well she just asked what she could to change my mind. I said you can disappear from my life.


Reality hit home.
No money, no school, no future with OM, stuck at home with BW-Mom...


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> Well she just asked what she could to change my mind. I said you can disappear from my life.


Told ya! 


Now she'll end up on your door steps asking for your forgiveness with crocodile tears and/or desperate sex attempts, don't fall for it.


Have you changed the locks on the house?


----------



## metluser

keko said:


> Told ya!
> 
> 
> Now she'll end up on your door steps asking for your forgiveness with crocodile tears and/or desperate sex attempts, don't fall for it.
> 
> 
> Have you changed the locks on the house?


No I have not. I am pretty sure she is entitled to live in the marital property until the divorce is over? Or am I wrong? If she will decide to do that, I will have to move out until it is over.


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> No I have not. I am pretty sure she is entitled to live in the marital property until the divorce is over? Or am I wrong? If she will decide to do that, I will have to move out until it is over.


She is but you're not really limiting her access. 

The old locks were broken and you had to replace them at the last minute, since she wasn't home you didn't had the chance to give her the new keys.


----------



## Chaparral

metluser said:


> I guess her mom already told her that she behaved like a hoe... she is quite pissed.
> 
> I feel bad now I feel like getting as low as she did...


I don't understand. Youfeel bad because you stood up for yourself ..............like a man? Dude .......take back your life........do not be a walked on wussy!


----------



## GutPunch

> she will decide to do that, I will have to move out until it is over.



Do not leave the house


----------



## warlock07

Any bets on how she will call him crying in the next few hours (or days ?)

She need to pay the semester fees sooner or later.


----------



## metluser

Just got an appointment with an attorney. The 2d of January, could not get anything earlier. Well they said the divorce should be pretty easy since it is just 1.5 years.


----------



## keko

warlock07 said:


> Any bets on how she will call him crying in the next few hours (or days ?)
> 
> She need to pay the semester fees sooner or later.


I would pay to see her face after OM dumps her or declines to help her with her tuition. :rofl:


----------



## Cubby

keko said:


> I would pay to see her face after OM dumps her or declines to help her with her tuition. :rofl:


Ha ha....and to think that just a couple of days ago her secret affair was so exciting and thrilling. Not much fun now.


----------



## Chaparral

Put her stuff in garbage bags. Is her mom nearby? It's true she has the right to be there but most people don't know/push it. Change the locks. All you need is screwdriver usually. Often time the wayward wife comes in while you are not there and takes your stuff. This happens a lot.


----------



## TDSC60

metluser said:


> No I have not. I am pretty sure she is entitled to live in the marital property until the divorce is over? Or am I wrong? If she will decide to do that, I will have to move out until it is over.


Change the locks - all the locks. You have the right to protect yourself. Remember OM said he will "face you". You don't want her giving him a key to enter your house in the middle of the night or when you are at work.

When she finds the locks changed, you can say you don't trust OM and you can let her in whenever she wants but she needs to call first and schedule the visit since she is the one who left.

Is the house and mortgage in your name only or is her name on either?

She may eventually demand to stay in the house until ordered out by the courts, but it does not have to be in the same room as you. 

Change the lock on your bedroom and any office that you keep important paper in.


----------



## RClawson

Met,

My heart goes out to you. This is tough to take at a young age and a relatively new marriage. You are gaining a great deal of wisdom through this experience and other than getting rid of your dead weight this is the only other benefit. 

Please do not get jaded on relationships because of this, but let it provide a framework and foundation for who you will share the rest of your life with. Be honest and frank about your expectations. Lean on the folks here because they will help you out.


----------



## Chaparral

Get the book Married Man Sex Life Primer . It's not a sex manual. You need to read this now. You can download it at amazon.com . It will give you the answers as to why this kind of thing happens.


----------



## metluser

I just found out something.... guys and gals... I am just hurt so much! I can't see her and hear her anymore! If there was only her left in the entire world I'd rather **** a pile of manure all the time! I just feel so dirty that I fell for this **** and had bonding sex with her after I found out about text messages... If I had a doubt in my mind before... there is no more! and I know for sure what I am doing right now. Changing the locks tomorrow and meeting with attorney on the second of Jan...

All I want in the future is to be able to trust....


----------



## Acabado

I'm sorry man. Total NC with her. except for logistics if you are doing the D on your own.
Really, pack all her stuff and unload it at her Moms.
Stop the snooping. it doesn't mak sense anymore.
Hit the gym, hang out with friends.


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> I just found out something.... guys and gals... I am just hurt so much! I can't see her and hear her anymore! If there was only her left in the entire world I'd rather **** a pile of manure all the time! I just feel so dirty that I fell for this **** and had bonding sex with her after I found out about text messages... If I had a doubt in my mind before... there is no more! and I know for sure what I am doing right now. Changing the locks tomorrow and meeting with attorney on the second of Jan...
> 
> All I want in the future is to be able to trust....


What was it?

Also get tested for STDs right away.


----------



## walkonmars

Anger is okay - but channel it into positive actions as suggested: trash bags to MIL, change locks, go dark. 

Don't put another ounce of effort into her. Not another thought. Go out with friends. Set the D in motion and take a week off if you can. Go skiing or to a resort - even for a few days. 

Get yourself in better physical shape and channel your anger there too. Set some personal goals.


----------



## librarydragon

chapparal said:


> Originally Posted by marduk
> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
> 
> Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:
> 
> 1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.
> 
> 2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.
> 
> 3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.
> 
> 4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…
> 
> 5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.
> 
> 6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.
> 
> 7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.
> 
> 8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.
> 
> 9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.
> 
> 10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.
> 
> 11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.
> 
> So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
> 
> Thanks for everything!
> 
> Like | Talk with a Live Online Counselor



Holy hell! This post, though long, bears repeating. You nailed it. Bottle it and sell it


----------



## metluser

So I guys and gals! I am drunk right now so pardon for my curses and bad english.

When I confronted her she stayed for a for three days at my friends' house... Because I said she was unfaithful...

And one of this days when I drove to their house and talked to her about our marriage and this situation for about 10-15 minutes trying to fix our marriage. After that she left my car and came back to the friends house. My good friend was not asleep... and she noticed that right after I left, her boy(lover) drove up to the house and picked her up and she came back at home at 6am...... I did not know about this for a couple of days and now I know this.... They came to me today and told me about this... 

Many of you guys and gals went through this bull**** and only you can feel what I feel right now that is why I think a lot of you are on this forum.... I am a freaking grown man and I am crying like a pathetic baby right now. Not because of losing her but because of losing someone that I loved, let the person be a fake or completely none existent person... I don't know


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Anger is okay - but channel it into positive actions as suggested: trash bags to MIL, change locks, go dark.
> 
> Don't put another ounce of effort into her. Not another thought. Go out with friends. Set the D in motion and take a week off if you can. Go skiing or to a resort - even for a few days.
> 
> Get yourself in better physical shape and channel your anger there too. Set some personal goals.


Really good advice! I am going to take a coupe of weeks off and ski for 4-5 days. I live in Colorado so this should be great even though I am a horrible skier)


----------



## walkonmars

Put the booze away. (in the cupboard, I mean!) and get some rest.
Be sure to lock up the house tight or she will show up w a broken down pick up truck to clean you out.


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Put the booze away. (in the cupboard, I mean!) and get some rest.
> Be sure to lock up the house tight or she will show up w a broken down pick up truck to clean you out.


I really don't care at this point. she can take all of this **** from the house except for my laptop... 

I am going to cancel our joint account with Verizon tomorrow also... And block her number if she decides to message me or call me. All of her **** is in the front yard in the garbage bags... To avoid her I am staying at my friends house today... Uhh oh I just feel so dirty and low that I had sex with her after all of this bull crap...


----------



## JCD

walkonmars said:


> Put the booze away. (in the cupboard, I mean!) and get some rest.
> Be sure to lock up the house tight or she will show up w a broken down pick up truck to clean you out.


Yes, this is the downside of just running off and hitting the slopes.

At the very least, get a video recording of your house and what is in it so your wife and her Mexican friends can't come by and loot the house while you are gone.

If you wish to do this for your mental health, make the recording, leave a copy with a friend or stored in a server somewhere and have your attorney freeze the assets of the house and accounts (after you pull out enough for your debauch, of course) so she ISN'T allowed to pull anything from the house when you are gone. See if you can make a motion about 'fear of your safety' with those texts she has (might not be the best idea since she is making the same accusations on the texts)

Then she is in contempt and she's a thief. Well, she's already contemptible, but legally as well.


----------



## tom67

JCD said:


> Yes, this is the downside of just running off and hitting the slopes.
> 
> At the very least, get a video recording of your house and what is in it so your wife and her Mexican friends can't come by and loot the house while you are gone.
> 
> If you wish to do this for your mental health, make the recording, leave a copy with a friend or stored in a server somewhere and have your attorney freeze the assets of the house and accounts (after you pull out enough for your debauch, of course) so she ISN'T allowed to pull anything from the house when you are gone. See if you can make a motion about 'fear of your safety' with those texts she has (might not be the best idea since she is making the same accusations on the texts)
> 
> Then she is in contempt and she's a thief. Well, she's already contemptible, but legally as well.


Come on you have to change the locks.


----------



## metluser

JCD said:


> Yes, this is the downside of just running off and hitting the slopes.
> 
> At the very least, get a video recording of your house and what is in it so your wife and her Mexican friends can't come by and loot the house while you are gone.
> 
> If you wish to do this for your mental health, make the recording, leave a copy with a friend or stored in a server somewhere and have your attorney freeze the assets of the house and accounts (after you pull out enough for your debauch, of course) so she ISN'T allowed to pull anything from the house when you are gone.
> 
> Then she is in contempt and she's a thief. Well, she's already contemptible, but legally as well.



Sorry guys did I say that he is Mexican??? in no way I am in against mexicans or anything like this..... I do not hold anything against any nationality or race...


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> Sorry guys did I say that he is Mexican??? in no way I am in against mexicans or anything like this..... I do not hold anything against any nationality or race...


Ignore the Mexican part of that comment but the rest of it is what you should do if you were to leave the house right now.

Also stop consuming alcohol. It's just going to make things much worse.



metluser said:


> My good friend was not asleep... and she noticed that right after I left, her boy(lover) drove up to the house and picked her up and she came back at home at 6am...... I did not know about this for a couple of days and now I know this.... They came to me today and told me about this...


Count yourself lucky to have such friend and for him/her to clue you in on what happened. When all this affair/divorce crap is over take him out for a drink or something.


----------



## jnj express

You said you have gone to stay with a friend for a while---make sure you DO NOT vacate your home---if this D., gets ugly and she has a bulldog for an tty, he/she will go after you for ABANDONMENT-----stay NC, on her, and make sure when it all falls apart for her, and IT WILL---you do not let her manipulate you into allowing her back---for she will make the attempt, you can count on it------cuz her lover cannot take care of her, as you have been, and she is gonna start to want things she is not getting

Tell her to come get her belongings, give her a time to pick them up by---and if she doesn't, w/in your time frame---- then anything she has purchased with marital money---give to the SALVATION ARMY, you can give her the receipt---see how she enjoys dealing with that---"but since she abandoned her belongings---you thought they might help someone in need"

Time to treat her for what she has become---remember, this person you now deal with---IS NOT THE GIRL YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED!!!!!


----------



## metluser

jnj express said:


> You said you have gone to stay with a friend for a while---make sure you DO NOT vacate your home---if this D., gets ugly and she has a bulldog for an tty, he/she will go after you for ABANDONMENT-----stay NC, on her, and make sure when it all falls apart for her, and IT WILL---you do not let her manipulate you into allowing her back---for she will make the attempt, you can count on it------cuz her lover cannot take care of her, as you have been, and she is gonna start to want things she is not getting
> 
> Tell her to come get her belongings, give her a time to pick them up by---and if she doesn't, w/in your time frame---- then anything she has purchased with marital money---give to the SALVATION ARMY, you can give her the receipt---see how she enjoys dealing with that---"but since she abandoned her belongings---you thought they might help someone in need"
> 
> Time to treat her for what she has become---remember, this person you now deal with---IS NOT THE GIRL YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED!!!!!


Yeah that is what I thought everything that was purchased is gonna go to Salvation Army.


----------



## warlock07

Don't do something stupid when you are drunk. that can land you in jail while she loots your home..


----------



## JCD

Going with the odds. How many people from the Iberian penninsula are in America?

Could be South American. Could be Philipine or Puerto Rican. But he's a native spanish speaker trying to pull a Ricco Suave to screw your wife.

And you are lying on the floor taking it wrapped around a bottle of booze.

Don Corleone said it best.


----------



## metluser

JCD said:


> Going with the odds. How many people from the Iberian penninsula are in America?
> 
> Could be South American. Could be Philipine or Puerto Rican. But he's a native spanish speaker trying to pull a Ricco Suave to screw your wife.
> 
> And you are lying on the floor taking it wrapped around a bottle of booze.
> 
> Don Corleone said it best.


I am pretty sure he already did unfortunately. She allowed this to happen, cowardly..... instead of talking to me and working on the marriage. Everyone of our friends are quite shocked with this...

Our mutual friends are on my side and she gets nothing from them anymore.... Blocked from every single cell number also...


----------



## metluser

warlock07 said:


> Don't do something stupid when you are drunk. that can land you in jail while she loots your home..


I will try not to. I am at a friend's place so I think I am good.


----------



## tom67

metluser said:


> I will try not to. I am at a friend's place so I think I am good.


Please have a good sleep and get back to your place in the morning


----------



## happyman64

Get some sleep Metl.

Today will be a new day.

Remember this:



> Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth.


Go find someone worthy of you!

Your wife obviously is not. Be glad you were not married long or had any kids with her.

Hm64


----------



## warlock07

Brace for a lot of emotional assault and blackmail from her in the next few days. Take sometime before you make the final decision.. 

Keep your friends around.


----------



## dgtal

metluser said:


> Sorry guys did I say that he is Mexican??? in no way I am in against mexicans or anything like this..... I do not hold anything against any nationality or race...


As usual in this forum. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD

JCD said:


> Yes, this is the downside of just running off and hitting the slopes.
> 
> At the very least, get a video recording of your house and what is in it so your wife and her *Indeterminate Nationality Spanish Speaking Friends* friends can't come by and loot the house while you are gone.



Here, since you are focusing so much on the supposed racism, I fixed that for you.

Now that that is taken care of, are you actually going to listen to any of the advice that more...enlightened poster have given you which is almost indistinguishable from mine?


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

metluser said:


> Really good advice! I am going to take a coupe of weeks off and ski for 4-5 days. I live in Colorado so this should be great even though I am a horrible skier)




Keep yourself distracted!


----------



## weightlifter

Methinks your friends are your best resource for the emotional part. This board for the technical part.

Go to the gym, bulk up, find a hotter one with some actual loyalty. Success is the best revenge.


----------



## sandc

JCD said:


> Here, since you are focusing so much on the supposed racism, I fixed that for you.


Good, 'cause my wife is from the Philippines and she doesn't speak Spanish. For the record.


----------



## metluser

Guys and gals she just crashed her car into my car.... Police came gave her reckless driving ticket.... This woman is freaking crazy...... How the **** I did not notice this before....


----------



## metluser

I think she said that I was a monster... now I am afraid from myself and my friends.... This is a freaking drama thriller.....


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> Guys and gals she just crashed her car into my car.... Police came gave her reckless driving ticket.... This woman is freaking crazy...... How the **** I did not notice this before....


Were you in your car when she crashed?

If you were get an order of protection ASAP
She's batshhit crazy.


----------



## jim123

Yes get an OP (order of protection) Also show them the skpe where she is painting you as dangerous to the OM. Tell the police you are concerned what she and om will do.


----------



## warlock07

Did she crash it on purpose or was it an accident ?

Suicide threats are probably a stone throw away. Be prepared to call 911 if that is the case.


----------



## sandc

Bunnyboiler and you're the bunny. You are so lucky you found this out now rather than 10 years from now. Run for your fricken' life!


----------



## metluser

Suicide messages -> Check...

Deputies are at the house and checking on her if she is ok...


----------



## metluser

warlock07 said:


> Did she crash it on purpose or was it an accident ?
> 
> Suicide threats are probably a stone throw away. Be prepared to call 911 if that is the case.


She said it was an accident.


----------



## warlock07

I can be completely wrong but your wife comes across as someone with a personality disorder.

Just make yourself aware of this stuff, so you can make a informed decision. 

Look at this link 

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Borderline personality disorder:
Histrionic personality disorder: 
Narcissistic personality disorder :

read more about these 3 if you can and check if the patterns match.

Or if you are seeing a therapist, discuss with him about your wife so that you can handle her manipulations(intrinsic) better.


I am not a qualified professional so take this advice for what it is worth.


----------



## metluser

warlock07 said:


> I can be completely wrong but your wife comes across as someone with a personality disorder.
> 
> Just make yourself aware of this stuff, so you can make a informed decision.
> 
> Look at this link
> 
> Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Borderline personality disorder:
> Histrionic personality disorder:
> Narcissistic personality disorder :
> 
> read more about these 3 if you can and check if the patterns match.
> 
> Or if you are seeing a therapist, discuss with him about your wife so that you can handle her manipulations(intrinsic) better.
> 
> 
> I am not a qualified professional so take this advice for what it is worth.


In fact I was reading about this right now. I think you are right on...


----------



## Numbersixxx

metluser said:


> I think she said that I was a monster... now I am afraid from myself and my friends.... This is a freaking drama thriller.....


How is she making you a monster in this? She is delusional.


----------



## walkonmars

Tina Swithin: Communicating With A Narcissist: Using The Narc Decoder

Article on problems related to divorcing a person with NPD. Couldn't hurt for you to know some of this -just in case.

From the article:
"Since narcissists believe that the world revolves around them, or that it should, they think they can reinvent reality and no one should question them. Even though they know that what they're writing or saying is stretching the truth, they think that they are so clever about it that they will fool the recipient into going along with them."


----------



## dogman

metluser said:


> In fact I was reading about this right now. I think you are right on...


Personality disorder!!!

If you find this to be true...

Get out of this relationship ASAP, regardless of details. Save yourself, no joke.


----------



## keko

Dude watch your back. Either her or her lover could try to kill you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThreeStrikes

She definitely sounds like one of the Cluster B personalities. Narcissist with a histrionic flair.

You won't win this one, Met. Let the other guy take her off your hands.

Sorry, you bought a lemon.


----------



## jim123

Do not play around. She is telling OM you are dangerous, why? Her story to him will be you crash into her. Show the police everything. OM is eating this stuff up and it is not good to you.


----------



## Shaggy

You need to take this very very seriously and act with an RO. Your wife is going to escallate things if you don't.

You once thought she was faithful - and now you know that's not true.

You once thought she was caught and remorseful - now you know it was another lie by her.

Don't get caught again giving her the benefit of the doubt - you get burned every time.


----------



## jim123

She is not rational and who knows what the om is buying into. She has sold the OM that he is in danger. There is not rational reason for that other than possibly making the affair more excciting. OM may try to prove his love and do something he should not.


----------



## Chaparral

Or her fairy tale fantasy life just came crashing down and she's freaked out because her go to guy husband has dumped her.

She crashed his car because he let her go, not because he won't let her go. Classic WW behavior.


----------



## Chaparral

Have her next semesters bills been paid?


----------



## Thor

Be sure to call 911 immediately every time she makes any kind of threat. Get this stuff documented. It also conveys to her that you are not going to be manipulated or frightened.

Have a VAR on you at all times. Back up the recordings off site in several places so she cannot destroy your evidence.

If you own any weapons get them out of the house. Guns, knives, bayonets, swords, etc. Once she is not living in your home you could consider a self defense weapon but again be sure you have that VAR going at all times to defend against false charges.

Have you ever seen someone fired from a job because the boss doesn't like them? They have to create a record, so the boss writes up the employee for something bogus. The employee is innocent so he doesn't fight it. He figures just lay low and it will blow over. Then the 2nd write up happens and he has no real defense because he is already a known problem as shown by the first write up. Then comes strike 3 and he is fired.

Don't be that employee in this divorce! Don't let anything slide. Document everything and CYA with VAR.


----------



## Chaparral

I don't think I would get rid of my weapons with your out of control wife and her nutty boyfriend on the loose.


----------



## metluser

No weapons in the house. Everything is recorded on the VAR. Cops came twice, when she crashed my car + when she wrote some suicidal texts to me... I will try to call her mom and ask her to talk into moving back with her to NC... I think her OM dumped her or she dumped him.... She did not contact him or anything like that.


----------



## metluser

She realized that she lost me at this point and does not know what to do... Writes text messages about love and how she will not be able to be in this world with out me... She is trying to push my compassion buttons...


----------



## Chaparral

metluser said:


> She realized that she lost me at this point and does not know what to do... Writes text messages about love and how she will not be able to be in this world with out me... She is trying to push my compassion buttons...


Send her copies of her texts to the OM. Ask her what happened to her soulmate.


----------



## Chaparral

Maybe boyfriend didn't think a married girfriend that wrecks a car on purpose is all there.


----------



## bfree

Batsh!t crazy women may be fun to play with but they aren't much fun when things go bad. You are seeing this now. I'm sure her AP is seeing this as well. She is toxic to be around. Go dark with her. Maybe she will get help but its no longer your problem.


----------



## tom67

chapparal said:


> Maybe boyfriend didn't think a married girfriend that wrecks a car on purpose is all there.


Get a friend to live with you for the near future change the locks but you need someone else there NOW! This is life and death. Is the car still in driving condition? Did the police recognize how she was acting and suggest anything?


----------



## walkonmars

She's upset that she is losing control over you. She loved it when you were all concerned about her. Perfect control. Hubby wringing his hands, boytoy holding hers and kissing her asss.


----------



## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> She's upset that she is losing control over you. She loved it when you were all concerned about her. Perfect control. Hubby wringing his hands, boytoy holding hers and kissing her asss.


Yep, went from having her needs met by 2 men to none in a day.


----------



## TDSC60

I'm a little confused over who is living where at the moment. I thought she was out and you were in the house. Then I saw where you were staying with friends.

You need to be in the house and she needs to be NOT in the house with you.

And don't fall for any of her BS. She is just upset that she lost her free ride and financial support. 

Her soul still aches for him. (Almost threw up in my mouth typing that).

Stay strong and watch your back. When the suicide threats and "I can't live without you" doesn't work, she and her "soulmate" might try something physical or destructive.


----------



## tom67

Don't want to see your story on "deadly wives" or whatever other shows like that on the ID channel. Watch yourself!


----------



## jim123

Do not be too sure about no men at the moment. OM is only a student and can not support her. This is a lifestyle hit.

You do have to tie off the OM end. Show the cops the skype about the conversation where she is talking about you being a danger to OM. Tell them you are concerned that he make think everything is true. Once they stop by him, he will be gone.

You also want all this on record now and not try to explain later. The one who files first always controls the story. Always take control.


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> She realized that she lost me at this point and does not know what to do... Writes text messages about love and how she will not be able to be in this world with out me... She is trying to push my compassion buttons...


These are going to cloud your judgement and even put the decisions you've made into doubt. You'll feel sorry for her and try to look for ways to take her back. 

If possible block her number or just don't read her messages at all.

Contact the cops that came to the house and ask them for a order of protection. Tell them you're afraid she's going to hurt you and you need their help right away.


----------



## Chaparral

keko said:


> These are going to cloud your judgement and even put the decisions you've made into doubt. You'll feel sorry for her and try to look for ways to take her back.
> 
> If possible block her number or just don't read her messages at all.
> 
> Contact the cops that came to the house and ask them for a order of protection. Tell them you're afraid she's going to hurt you and you need their help right away.


You need the EPO mainly to keep her away from you. She is likely to try and make it looks like you have beat/hurt her.

This isn't to say the two of you can't get back together though I wouldn't.


----------



## bfree

chapparal said:


> You need the EPO mainly to keep her away from you. *She is likely to try and make it looks like you have beat/hurt her.*
> This isn't to say the two of you can't get back together though I wouldn't.


True. Even if she has been cited for the "accident" she could still try this. If a woman has visable bruises (self inflicted?) the cops will arrest you even if its purely precautionary. It doesn't matter what you say. But if she is violating a RO they will arrest her.


----------



## warlock07

metluser said:


> She realized that she lost me at this point and does not know what to do... Writes text messages about love and how she will not be able to be in this world with out me... She is trying to push my compassion buttons...


Handle this carefully. Is she someone to do something rash to prove a point ?


----------



## walkonmars

warlock07 said:


> Handle this carefully. Is she someone to do something rash to prove a point ?


Just to be sure call her mom and tell her to check on her daughter by phone. And if there is no answer to call the police for a welfare check. Don't get directly involved.


----------



## Thor

chapparal said:


> I don't think I would get rid of my weapons with your out of control wife and her nutty boyfriend on the loose.


I would only get rid of weapons while she has access to the home. Or at least deactivate them and make sure everything is locked up. One worry is her getting to them and the other is making a false statement. When the cops show up and she says he was threatening her with a XYZ he can tell the cops there are no guns in the house and even show them the empty gun safe.

This doesn't protect him totally. The mom of my best friend growing up thought her husband was cheating. She waited until he fell asleep on night then stabbed him in the chest multiple times with a large kitchen knife.

Once a STBX is out of the house it is a different scenario altogether.


----------



## 3putt

Met said there are no weapons (well, guns anyway) in the house. Wish he would post to say he is alright.


----------



## metluser

I went to the house to get some of my stuff... She was crying a begging me to stay, and that life has no meaning for her... I was almost sold on this. It was so hard..... After I left.. I know that she called her OM and talked with him for 35 minutes....


----------



## metluser

warlock07 said:


> Handle this carefully. Is she someone to do something rash to prove a point ?


Well she crashed her car into mine last night...


----------



## metluser

TDSC60 said:


> I'm a little confused over who is living where at the moment. I thought she was out and you were in the house. Then I saw where you were staying with friends.
> 
> You need to be in the house and she needs to be NOT in the house with you.
> 
> And don't fall for any of her BS. She is just upset that she lost her free ride and financial support.
> 
> Her soul still aches for him. (Almost threw up in my mouth typing that).
> 
> Stay strong and watch your back. When the suicide threats and "I can't live without you" doesn't work, she and her "soulmate" might try something physical or destructive.


I really don't want to stay in that house. It will be way harder for me to cope with this crap...


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> I went to the house to get some of my stuff... She was crying a begging me to stay, and that life has no meaning for her... I was almost sold on this. It was so hard..... *After I left.. I know that she called her OM and talked with him for 35 minutes....*


You knew this was going to happen right? Her meal ticket has dumped her so she needs to find another one right away, without losing another minute.



metluser said:


> I really don't want to stay in that house. It will be way harder for me to cope with this crap...


Sorry if I missed it but is the house mortgaged or leased under your name?


----------



## 3putt

metluser said:


> I went to the house to get some of my stuff... She was crying a begging me to stay, and that life has no meaning for her... I was almost sold on this. It was so hard..... *After I left.. I know that she called her OM and talked with him for 35 minutes....*


Hardly surprising. She's reaching out for whatever lifeline she can get her adulterous little hands on. You didn't bend, so she reached out to Plan B. 

Man, so sorry for what you are having to go through here. You okay? I know you've had one rough 24 hours.


----------



## loveisforever

metluser said:


> I went to the house to get some of my stuff... She was crying a begging me to stay, and that life has no meaning for her... I was almost sold on this. It was so hard..... After I left.. I know that she called her OM and talked with him for 35 minutes....


Classic!

Predicable!

Make sense to her! 

It also proved that you had difficulties in understanding her when you 'was almost sold on this".

Do not allow that inner weakness fog your decision from now on!


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> I went to the house to get some of my stuff... She was crying a begging me to stay, and that life has no meaning for her... I was almost sold on this. It was so hard..... After I left.. I know that she called her OM and talked with him for 35 minutes....


It would be funny if it was a movie and not real life. Destroying real people.
You have to believe she spent most of the 35 minutes trash talking you to the OM who lapped it all in like the cur he is.


----------



## Shaggy

Here is what you do, 

Option 1. Record these I can't live without you messages and send them to the OM.

Option 2. Next time you encounter her and leave, you know she's going to call the OM. Do then you should start texting him some side comments like.

Wow, have you noticed all she talks about is herself?
Her, her, her, I guess you'll have to get used to it, I'm done wasting my time on her,
....

And so on. Keep texting him, heck even call hum for say 30 min when you think they are talking. Just really annoy him.


----------



## metluser

3putt said:


> Hardly surprising. She's reaching out for whatever lifeline she can get her adulterous little hands on. You didn't bend, so she reached out to Plan B.
> 
> Man, so sorry for what you are having to go through here. You okay? I know you've had one rough 24 hours.


I am doing alright. Some of the worst moments of my life so far. But my friends help me to cope with this. Horrible Christmas and horrible new year...


----------



## metluser

keko said:


> You knew this was going to happen right? Her meal ticket has dumped her so she needs to find another one right away, without losing another minute.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry if I missed it but is the house mortgaged or leased under your name?


Mortgage is on both of us as a title.


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> Mortgage is on both of us as a title.


Do you want to keep the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metluser

keko said:


> Do you want to keep the house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nah I hate this house now. Let it be gone for good from my life...


----------



## walkonmars

metluser said:


> Nah I hate this house now. Let it be gone for good from my life...


Didn't you just buy it?


----------



## keko

metluser said:


> Nah I hate this house now. Let it be gone for good from my life...


Get the divorce done right away so you'll either put it up for sale or short sale. The sooner you get rid if it the less likely for your credit to take a hit.

Does your stbx have a decent credit to take over the mortgage or would her parents help her out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metluser

walkonmars said:


> Didn't you just buy it?


Yes I did. But it is easier for me to earn money for another place and buy it later if I need than to keep this one and leave in it. I thought about renting it maybe... But this is the least of my concerns right now. If she wants equity from this house, I'll let her have it.... I just don't want her to bother me anymore... Even though I worked really hard to earn the money... It seems to me like nothing right now...


----------



## metluser

keko said:


> Get the divorce done right away so you'll either put it up for sale or short sale. The sooner you get rid if it the less likely for your credit to take a hit.
> 
> Does your stbx have a decent credit to take over the mortgage or would her parents help her out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will sell it. The last time I talked to her she was ok with that....
Meanwhile I will minimize my spendings and pay the mortgage so that I don't hurt my credit.


----------



## warlock07

Talk to a lawyer


----------



## Tony55

Metluser, you saved yourself a whole lot of future agony by wrapping this thing up nice and quick, good for you. She'll continue to attempt to pull you back into the marriage, and maybe even succeed, that's up to you, but one thing is certain, she now knows you'll bring down a hammer on any bad behavior swiftly and decisively, and that earned you a lot of respect. And whether a woman knows it or not, respect for a man is a major component in the attraction scale. So regardless of how bad you may feel, give yourself a pat on the back, you did good.

T


----------



## metluser

Tony55 said:


> Metluser, you saved yourself a whole lot of future agony by wrapping this thing up nice and quick, good for you. She'll continue to attempt to pull you back into the marriage, and maybe even succeed, that's up to you, but one thing is certain, she now knows you'll bring down a hammer on any bad behavior swiftly and decisively, and that earned you a lot of respect. And whether a woman knows it or not, respect for a man is a major component in the attraction scale. So regardless of how bad you may feel, give yourself a pat on the back, you did good.
> 
> T


Thanks!


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

So what's up, how's everything working out for you?


----------



## metluser

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> So what's up, how's everything working out for you?


It is going alright. The papers are filed. 

She is trying to get me back right now. 
She says that she will do anything to prove that she did not have physical affair with him... To me it looks like he dumped her or something. By the way this guy tried to call me a couple of times.


----------



## tom67

metluser said:


> It is going alright. The papers are filed.
> 
> She is trying to get me back right now.
> She says that she will do anything to prove that she did not have physical affair with him... To me it looks like he dumped her or something. By the way this guy tried to call me a couple of times.


Wow you did the right thing by not answering but I wonder what bs he would have said. Oh well water over the bridge she was your problem anyway. Take care of yourself and thanks for the update.


----------



## Tony55

metluser said:


> It is going alright. The papers are filed.
> 
> She is trying to get me back right now.
> She says that she will do anything to prove that she did not have physical affair with him... To me it looks like he dumped her or something. By the way this guy tried to call me a couple of times.


Yeah, don't take his calls. If by some chance he gets a call through, just cut him off before he says anything and say,_ "Are you out of your mind??? Do you realize how dangerous it is to reach out to me? Disappear. Don't try to contact me again."_

He won't call back.

T


----------



## metluser

tom67 said:


> Wow you did the right thing by not answering but I wonder what bs he would have said. Oh well water over the bridge she was your problem anyway. Take care of yourself and thanks for the update.


I know a lot about this guy now from my sources, hard to believe that she would ever think about dumping me for this guy.

One thing I know now that he is illegal here in the States.


----------



## tom67

Gee I guess the grass isn't looking greener for her?


----------



## sandc

Personally I like Tony's approach. If he calls again simply say, "If I were you I'd disappear because I'm about to disappear. And if you're smart, that scares you. Because I'll be in your blind spot. And I have nothing better to do since you took my wife from me you slimy son of a b!tch."

With apologies to Jack Reacher.


----------



## metluser

tom67 said:


> Gee I guess the grass isn't looking greener for her?


Yep, I guess so...


----------



## Toffer

metluser said:


> I know a lot about this guy now from my sources, hard to believe that she would ever think about dumping me for this guy.
> 
> One thing I know now that he is illegal here in the States.


Report his azz to INS then!


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## JMGrey

Toffer said:


> Report his azz to INS then!


Agreed. _La migra_ is your best revenge in this case.


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## SoulStorm

metluser said:


> It is going alright. The papers are filed.
> 
> She is trying to get me back right now.
> She says that she will do anything to prove that she did not have physical affair with him... To me it looks like he dumped her or something. *By the way this guy tried to call me a couple of times*.


Probably prompted by her to convince you nothing physical happened.
I know you don't buy it and I wouldn't either.
It is very rare that affair partners spend all night together and nothing physical happens after talking to each other for hours on end.
She did something with him.
She will lie and do anything to get you back now. Keep your guard up.


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## The Middleman

metluser said:


> She says that *she will do anything to prove that she did not have physical affair with him...*


Really now! Did she explain to you how she was going to accomplish this?


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## keko

Don't answer that guy's calls, ever. Nothing good will come out of it.

Actually don't even talk to your stbx or her family, when she calls just text her back saying talk to my lawyer. 

Going dark on her is very crucial in these early days.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Seriously how does she think she can show you she didn't do anything with him? Is she gonna open her ***** and say "Smell it hubby"? 

Does she know that you know about the affair and about the online conversations? How on earth can someone lie so brazenly after getting caught, I can never understand.

Btw, he effed your life up, why are you keeping the fact that he is an illegal covered up? It's not the time to play a frigging white knight. Make him see that what he did has consequences.


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## Cdelta02

If you want him deported:
1. Report to INS
2. Report to Cops
3. Report to your congressman
4. Report to your senator
5. In all the above, in your letter, CC your local news stations.
6. Write to a few news stations about how you have reported a crime and ask them to check if action was taken.
7. Wait a few weeks (3-4) then repeat 6.

Nothing puts the fear of God in politicians than knowing that someone brought a crime to their notice and they did nothing about it AND that the news agencies know about it...


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## weightlifter

Isn't there a bounty on being the first to report an illegal? 

Emote evil laugh. 

Revenge is a dish best served cold.


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