# Toothless and Unemployed



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

:frown2:I don't know what to do anymore but don't want to be in limbo and miserable anymore.

We sold our house and bought another one almost 6 hours away. I was to quit my job and find one closer to the new house. Unfortunately, my husband lost his job January of last year, the month before I was to quit my current job. 

I now live at a friend's place, work at the same city where we sold our home and pay all the bills for the new house until he finds a new job and we can pay off the big bills so I can afford to quit and find a job in the city where we moved to.

Three months later he had all his teeth removed and got dentures. He had really bad and crooked teeth and was tired of dealing with them. He asked me about having it done and I flat out told him I had no problem with it so long as he wore them. His mother never wears her's and I find that absolutely disgusting. He knows this also.

He does not wear them. I cannot kiss him on the mouth as it turns my stomach to stick my tongue in a toothless mouth! I also don't like to watch him gum food to death or talk without his teeth. He says they are uncomfortable and won't stay in. I tell him he needs to go back to the dentist and get them refitted. He says I don't understand as I still have all my teeth. We had a huge fight about it in August last year.

It is now almost 18 months later and he still does not have a job and still does not wear his teeth. He is also still insisting that I take care of everything like I did when he was out of country because "he doesn't want to be bothered with it."

I had to drive over there one weekend to take one of our dogs to the vet to get her shots, rear dew claws removed and spayed because he wouldn't take her. I told him to take her back the following Monday to have her bandages checked. He took her back during the vets lunch hour and couldn't be bothered to wait for the vet to return in less than an hour. Needless to say, when he took the dog back on Wednesday, the vet insisted on keeping the dog for a week and a half because the dog had messed up the dew claw removal wounds so badly and he wouldn't keep her from jumping and running. It cost another $350 for the vet stay.

I also had to bring our other dog back to our old city because she was depressed because he wouldn't walk her anymore so she would just pee where she was at and not move.

This is my third marriage. The first two lasted less than 3 years. I still love this man deeply but don't know what to do. He won't listen when I tell him straight he needs to find a job even if it is minimum wage and he needs to go back to the dentist to get his dentures fitted properly so he can wear them. I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on my marriage just because he is unemployed and toothless but I also don't want to be the one who has to deal with everything, the only one that works and then have to deal with his toothlessness. 

I realize I am not as attractive as I used to be as I now weigh 200lbs instead of 160lbs. I have started walking our other dog in the morning and evening and paying much more attention to what and how much I eat trying to lose the extra weight. I have been trying to stay busy with friends (female only) so I am not worrying about this situation so much but now I don't just don't know what to do. Please help.:crying:


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Does he wear his teeth when he goes on job interviews?


----------



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

He hasn't been on any job interviews yet even though he says he has applied for jobs.


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Make sure he knows to wear his teeth when he goes on his first interview.


----------



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

I have told him he needs to wear them in public but who knows if he will/does or not. He has a tendency to do whatever he wants and damn the consequences.


----------



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

The unemployment and not wearing his teeth really bother me and I am thinking of calling it quits but on the other hand, isn't this the part where "for better or worse" come into play?


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Nobody follows their vows. When things get tough in a marriage, people get divorced.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lglyn1 said:


> This is my third marriage. The first two lasted less than 3 years. I still love this man deeply but don't know what to do.


Here's the problem.

You.

YOU have a problem picking loser men who are worthless husbands. 

Why aren't you spending your time on a therapist to find out why you have no self esteem instead of spending it on a deadbeat loser man?


----------



## lglyn1 (Jun 10, 2015)

Wow.

I would not call my H a deadbeat. He retired from the Navy after 21 years. It took him six months to find a job with a government contractor and was with them for 10 years. The last two years he spent working for them in the Middle East instead of being let go because his project was done.

I have been with him for 20 years of which 18 we have been married. He has a daughter by his previous wife and made sure he paid child support until she was 18 and tried to see her whenever his ex would let him.

I don't understand the unusual behavior that he has started to exhibit since he was fired last January. Friends have suggested I dump him and a co-worker has suggested I tell him. I have told him and he does not listen. I don't really want to start over again but don't want to be in a relationship where I carry the burden all the time either. 

I do strongly love him. He still has a wonderful sense of humor. He can fix almost anything but just won't fix anything for me. He is very good at any kind of home improvement but won't do any of the improvements I would like and just shoots them down as being stupid. 

When we sold some items, the money I told him to keep for his vehicle he deposited in the bank in his account but I had to travel to him to get the money I needed to pay some bills as he wouldn't put it in the bank for me.

Yes, he can be a real ass but I new he could be when I met him. 

I am just really confused and don't understand what the hell is going on. I do not nag at him to find a job. When he talks about this or that that needs money to be done, I tell him that will have to wait until he gets a job and I can get a job where the new house is. 

I AM JUST SO CONFUSED AND TIRED OF WORRYING ABOUT THIS BUT CAN'T SEEM TO QUIT!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, you are giving HIM your power. If you don't like something DO something about it. 

I don't know why, but women for some reason grow up thinking they have to convince a guy to DECIDE to give them what they want. When in reality, the woman has just as much right, just as much strength, just as much power as the man.

If you don't like something, do something about it. 

Start by reading about boundaries and consequences. It's how humans learn. If he is harming you by not taking care of himself and not working, make it clear. Make it clear you won't STAY with a man who harms you and won't take care of himself.

He does this crap (or doesn't do stuff) because YOU have no boundaries and HE has no consequences.



> “An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”
> Harriet Lerner
> 
> Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy.
> ...


http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's a super simple suggestion:

"Hubby, I have decided I'm not longer willing to pay all the bills for the new house where I can't even live because you haven't bothered to get a job. I will pay for MY expenses, and you feel free to make whatever arrangements you need to make for YOUR expenses. I am no longer willing to be your neglected meal ticket.

So effective with my next paycheck, it is being deposited in my personal account where you don't have access. I don't want to ruin my own credit, so I have taken my name off X, Y and Z utilities, and you will need to find a way to pay for them if you want to use them. "

The end. 

He is an adult. He chose to move there and do nothing. So allow him to experience the consequence of "doing nothing"--namely losing the house and sitting there in the dark with no water. He'll learn quickly: work or he doesn't eat.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Perfect.


----------

