# Wife texting other man!!!



## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

Hi everyone, I am new to this site.

I wont drag this on any longer then need be. My common law spouse is texting another man. I nailed her on it a few months ago when she forgot to delete her messages. They were talking in a sexual way, asking questions about each others sex life, she never said anything about not being happy about her sex life. I know the guy well, we hang around sometimes but he is not from the area, he lives 1 1/2 hours away. My spouse is good friends with his girlfriend. I am not sure if she is aware of the texting between my spouse and her boyfriend.

When I nailed her on it, she said it was just for fun "nothing is going on". Last week I noticed his name on her text list again but she is deleting the messages. Could she be deleting the messages so I dont get angry when there is really nothing other then good fun going or could it be more then just a good laugh.

Basicaly my question is, how should I go about dealing with this issue. Should I ask her face to face? Should I try to secretly talk to his girlfriend to see what she knows about it? or Should I ride it out for a bit and keep track of what is going on.

Also for all you tech people out there, her cell is under my name, is their anyway that any texting from her phone could be forwarded to my cell without her knowing?

Thanks in Advance


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Tell her to stop all contact with this man immediatly.. remove him from her phone.. remove him from email or anything else she has him added on. 

You can't have her texts forwarded as far as i know.. but you can look up online and see if she is still texting him. it will say a phone number by every incoming and outgoing text. if they are his number then you know shes still talking to him.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Ok, I went through something similar to this though what I went through consisted of my wife texting 3 guys more than any spouse should or really any human because it was way out of control. In a 6 month period my W and 1 guy texted each other 5600+ times and talked on the phone around 1200+ minutes (all which was behind my back, like an hour after I had left for work). Her and a 2nd guy were texting about 1600+ and talked for about 200+ minutes, and the 3rd guy she texted around 1600+ times as well but they didn't talk on the phone.

The bad part is that you should have tried to keep this knowledge from her for a while to try to learn more about the situation because she is now like a gazelle in the middle of a field but she has stopped grazing because she now believes that she has heard a possible preadator in the area. So you have to just kind of drop it for a while and try not to act suspicious, I know it's easier said then done.

Start investigating asap. Don't bring anything up to anyone until you have some solid proof, or unless you KNOW that you can trust them because sometimes someone you trust can help you out with investigating or they can give you their opinion from their point of view because we may not notice strange behaviour thats going on around us that a 3rd party person might have noticed.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Or go about it this way; Talk to her, ask her if something is wrong with your marriage. You may think everything is all good but there could be something lacking so make sure to explain to her that she shouldn't hold back because if there is a problem you guys need to work together to fix it and that if something is wrong you want to get on top of it now because your marriage is your top priority.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If she has a smartphone, then you can install software on her phone to read her texts, listen to her conversations, track her movements via GPS, read her email, and even use her phone while it is off as a bug for conversations in the room. Google "cell phone spy" for options.

It sounds like something is going on. I would use the phone software first. If you demand no contact, she may become suspicious and hide her activities (such as by buying a pre-paid phone).


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I apologize for jumping right to the whole "start snooping" talk, I just kind of feel like I'm talking to myself because of your situation and thats my normal reaction to it all since D-Day and if I could go back in time I would have held off a while longer to try to figure out details about what was being said and going on. All I have are numbers and thats it, I don't have anything kind of evidence that supports or denys the accusations that have been made against my W. So I have been stuck at a stalemate for 6 months and just left in limbo with nothing but my thoughts and phone bills, and trust me without any kind of detailed evidence this whole thing has been haunting me. I'm left here with so many questions that will never fully be answered.

You may have caught this early enough to just stop this kind of behaviour without any kind of mental or emotional trama, thats why I said that you should talk with your wife to see if somethings wrong.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tyler75 said:


> Also for all you tech people out there, her cell is under my name, is their anyway that any texting from her phone could be forwarded to my cell without her knowing?


Yes but you need a court order.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

Thanks,

I am hoping she forgets to erase the messages one day, she already done it once, thats how I knew it was going on. If I can find something on there just one more time thats when I will sit her down. I also noticed today in her contacts she has changed his name to his girlfriends name, her name is in their twice and one of them is his number. She must be getting suspcious that I am on to her. She has been home now since october on maternity leave, she is really bored being home. Maybe he is just entertainment while I am at work. They have no way of hooking up, it would have to be a really screwed up bull**** story that she would have to tell in order for them to be able to hook up some how. For now I know for sure nothing more then texting has been going on.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If it's an iphone there is a way of retrieving deleted texts. Google retrieve deleted texts iphone.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

A low-tech way of tapping her phone would be to hide a voice-activated digital recorder where she uses her phone in private (her car, her bedroom, etc.). This can give you one side of her conversation. Of course, if it's just texting, you'll have to resort to the phone software to secretly forward the texts to you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Tyler75 said:


> Maybe he is just entertainment while I am at work. They have no way of hooking up, it would have to be a really screwed up bull**** story that she would have to tell in order for them to be able to hook up some how. For now I know for sure nothing more then texting has been going on.


How can you be sure they're not together? She's at home while you're at work. Is anyone else at home with her to verify that he's not coming by? I know you said he's 1.5 hours away, but that's close enough to take a day off work once in a while and be at your house from 10AM to 3PM.

I would go one of two avenues right now. Either ramp up your detection methods by using the software/recorder, or confront her. She's hiding her contact with another man. That's not remotely OK. If there's nothing to hide, she should be willing to show you all her texts. The fact that she deletes her texts and hides him under another name tells me that she is guilty. If you confront her, she needs to send him a no-contact letter, you need to tell the OM's girlfriend what is going on, and she needs to delete/block him from her phone/internet contacts. She also needs to provide complete transparency in the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well since OM has a girl friend, and once you can get some hard proof..say something you can copy and print out you can give the OM the evidence, or at best lie about having it. 

Point is with evidence it gives you the power to black mail. You can confront the OM with out ever letting your spouse know. Simply let him know that as long as he breaks off all contact with your W and even if she continues to contact him and he does not respond the evidence you have will not get out.
In addition as long as your wife does not find out about this conversation or if any body should ever mention this conversation to your wife the evidence will remain silent from his girl friend and his family.

The thing is it can be a b*tch to control your wife, but the leverage you will have against OM will be....or should be good enough to have the OM do the breaking up instead of your wife. He may have more to lose, there for no matter how many time your wife tries to contact him, the OM will or should do the distancing, and your wife... hopefuly will never know why.

So the trick...does the OM have more to lose if this thing is exposed? Do you have the evidence that will convince OM that it's not worth his time with your W.

Some time a little man to man talk works, but only if your wife doesn't find out about it.

Sometime you just have to blow the whole thing out of the water....expose to everyone and make it as inconvienent and as uncomfortable for the affair to continue.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Tyler75 said:


> Basicaly my question is, how should I go about dealing with this issue. Should I ask her face to face? Should I try to secretly talk to his girlfriend to see what she knows about it? or Should I ride it out for a bit and keep track of what is going on.


Right now.. Go gently. Calm down. This is not going to be solved TODAY. or next week. I really stuffed up this bit and am now separated..

Take a good look at your partner. Is the connecting with you? I mean do you recognize her when you talk to her? If you do then this is good. If you have no idea what I am talking about. This is also good

The texting is bad. Just check your phone records. No need to get all hi tech. slow down.. slow down.. think..


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

You can wait until she's asleep in the middle of the night and check her phone.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies everyone,

From what I read on here so far, I think I am better off to wait this out a little and hope she slips up. I am not worried about him coming here while I am at work, this house should have a revolving door on it. Their is always people stoping in unannouced during the day, her mother, aunt and cousin just to name a few.

I did notice last night when I was looking threw her cell, that he is the one doing most of the texting. Out of 35 texts only 6 were outgoing. The messages are deleted but i can still see who she is texting. Maybe he is more into this then what she is, it may have started out as a good laugh but now he wants to take it to another level. I would love to find out a little more before I nail her on it. I know she will slip one day and forget to delete. She is very forgetful.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude... you better put a stop to it NOW! I think you should make her chose right now, so you don't waste your time. This WILL lead to a PA if you don't act.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I am really sorry to hear that you have to suffer this way right now Tyler75. 

I agree with other posters here and the relationship science backs up the need for a healthy relationship to have protective boundaries. 

80% of married partners are having sexual affairs and most of these start because boundaries are not set up and high risk situations identified and planned for in advance, to prevent things from getting out of control through emotional leading to sexual affairs. 

On the other hand, I've seen partners really learn from,strengthen and affair-proof their relationships when things like this or worse happen!

However, I would recommend a gentler approach. You're feeling hurt and maybe anxious because of these behavioral choices your partner's making right now. |It's easy to get overwhelmed emotionally when confronting a partner with these sensitive issues. 

If you're to anxious or aggressive in any way you may set your self up for fueling her detachment further propelling her into the problem behaviors. 

I'd suggest a positive pro-active strategy, where you gently learn the skills needed to strengthen and protect your relationship together while deepening your connection and repairing your emotional injuries. I wise person once explained to me that a welded structure can be stronger than the original. 

I'd suggest asking your partner to spend a week or so having a date night with you at home, where you read the best available relationship book on the market (Hold me Tight) by Dr. Sue Johnson (the best relationship researcher and therapist in the world right now). You can usually get the book in your local library so you don't even have to pay for it. 

Really make a date of it each night. Get rid of distractions, make a nice dinner, and then set up a very comfortable place (maybe soft relaxing music in the back ground) and take turns reading to each other.

Split each chapter in the book in 2 parts. You always read first, gently and slowly. Then let her read to you. 

At the end of each chapter there is a guided conversation which is based on EFT couples therapy (the best available counseling in the world right now). This will gently guide you to through a non 
-aggressive conversation with your partner that will really help you to address the issue of meeting your core relationship needs, yours and hers. You may be surprised to learn what's driving her texting etc. 

The book will also start to teach you how to communicate effectively as a couple, a skill, like driving that becomes automatic once you practice. You need the right teacher though, and you have to be careful in a relationship crisis. Like driving without learning how to drive, people can get hurt. Once you learn how to drive properly, it becomes automatic and you and your passenger (s) are much safer. 

You can also read or listen to books written by Dr. John Gottman on couples communication (he's the second best relationship researcher in the world). There are some great youtube videos by both experts.

I'm an award winning mental health and relationship expert at justanswer.com, with years of private practice experience with couples and families. Please let me know if I can help you with any further information or resources. 

Your Online Marriage Coach,
- Duddy.


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## blisswalker (Apr 25, 2011)

Tyler75,

This is very typical act of someone who is to nice and has no control over the relationship. Tyler75 you need to get back control, but at this point you need damage control. 

Search the entire net and you will come across the same problem. Partners slowly building emotional attachment to others due to lack of attachment in the relationship.

Want a really good piece of advice that no one will give. Make a massive joke of it, when you see her texting, smile and make jokes.

"man that guy cant get enough of your texts, i bet he saves it and prints it out and plasters it on his wall"
"Has he texted you that he loves you yet?"

Make a massive joke of it. Belittle it. Laugh and smile. This is the most effective thing you can do. If she gets angry and mad, laugh even more. This is the response you want.

What your slowly doing is killing the attraction she has for this guy and it increases yours. Yours showing that not only are you not threatened but so confident that its just a joke to you. 

I get so mad at the amount of guys and girls that allow stupid texting get to actual cheating.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

I agree with you blisswalker, I was actually thinking that same thing the other day. This guy she is texting is only 23 or 24 at the most, he cant keep a job because he is use to his family supporting him. He is lazy and a major womanizer, he has 2 kids with two different woman. 

When I do confront her, I think I am just going to tell her to stop all comunications with him and that if she thinks the grass is greener on the other she will just be walking into swamp grass and she will drown. I have a pretty good income, she doesnt have to work. If she was with him she would need 2 jobs to support his lazy ass.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> If she has a smartphone, then you can install software on her phone to read her texts, listen to her conversations, track her movements via GPS, read her email, and even use her phone while it is off as a bug for conversations in the room. Google "cell phone spy" for options.
> 
> It sounds like something is going on. I would use the phone software first. If you demand no contact, she may become suspicious and hide her activities (such as by buying a pre-paid phone).


You should know that this is illegal. BTW.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Tyler----you know da*n well something inapropriate is going on---you are common law---so you consider yourself married---well married women, DO NOT CARRY ON WITH OTHER MEN, in any way shape or form---if they do they are cheating

Stop giving excuses for her-----she is disrespecting you---you told her to stop once already, and all she did was to go underground

Its time for you to stop messing around---YOU DO NOT NEED TO WAIT---You and her both know she is cheating---put a stop to it now

Tell her with very icy calm, no arguing, no discussion on her part---she either deletes the other guy from her life, or she can go out on her own, and take care of herself as any single woman would do

You are taking care of her in all ways, so you do not have to put up with her disrespect----I do not know the law in re: common law--but I would guess it is simpler than a regular divorce situation

All you need to do, is take a very firm, hard line----tell her either it ends, or she can leave---and hand her the want ads, as you do---cuz she is gonna have to work one to two jobs to make it on her own

I promise you she does not want to be on her own-----You just need to take some action---up to now you have been nice, and lovey-dovey, and done nothing so she hasn't stopped---she fears no consequences from you--so why should she stop

You do not need to do anything else, at this point in time---just law down the law-----set up boundaries, as to her use of electronics

Tell her "I understand I cannot control what you do---but by the same token, I will not share you--and I will not have you disrespecting me, our child, and our mge, by associating with other men---either get back into the mge---or leave and good riddance to you"

It should take her about 10 seconds, to know that she had better get with it, as the guy she is talking to, certainly isn't gonna take care of her


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

If she tries to explain her way out of it - hold up your hand for silence and then just turn around and walk away. Nothing to discuss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back in the day I would have hired someone to hurt the kid, but know, I would tell mommy and daddy that if little johnny doesn't stop messing with my wife, little johnny wont be seen again.

Especialy the kids dad, he may beable to relate. 

On a serious note when you confront your wife be prepared to confront the kid. Expose the hell out of it when the time comes.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

Thanks guys, I am going to confront her this weekend. I am going to wait until my step daughter is gone to her fathers. I would not want to get her in the middle of this. My daughter that I have with her is only 6 months old, she dont know what an argument is yet. I know she is going to get really pissed off when I do bring it up, she always does when she knows she is in the wrong. I was going to wait until I found something on her phone but that could take for ever. The fraustration is building up inside and I have to let it out. I read enough that I know it is going on, that will have to do. The fact that I know she has his name changed in her phone to his girlfriends name is enough proof. I figure her jaw will drop when she finds out how much I really do know. If she tries to tell me that it is all for fun and that his girlfriend knows about it, I am picking up the phone and calling her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Call the girl friend first. if you don't the OM will be doing some major damage control. 
Once the girl friend knows then tell your wife.

Your wife is going to give all kinds of BS, so you may as well let the girl friend know 1st.

It could very well happen that your W tells the OM, then the Om tells some BS story about some guy is going to call and don't believe him.

It seems he's the one doing most of the contacting, he should be dealt with 1st then your wife.

Thats my $0.02


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I agree with the guy, if your going to say it now and you think theres any chance that you will feel like you have to pick her phone then you mine as well call the guys g/f first and let her know whats going on and that you are going to talk to your W about it. That way if your W doesn't get it through her head and thinks she is going to continue, then hopefully at least his g/f can put this all to a halt on her end. 

Plus don't you think the OMs g/f kinda has the right to know? I mean you want to know right? I think she deserves to know about it just as much as you..

Good luck man. If you need anymore advice let us know and keep us up to date.


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## ArmyQueen23 (May 3, 2011)

There is a program that lets you track all her cell phone activity even up to location. It forwards all her text,phone calls,pics, everything. It does cost some money thou depending on what all you want. I will get back to you with the website


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

I have noticed looking at the phone records online that there hasent been any texting between them for 5 days. They might just be taking a break or maybe his g/f found out. I guess there could multiple things going on. Maybe texting is getting boring and the actual cheating could start. Good thing Friday is soon here, my step daughter leaves for her fathers after school on friday. I cant hold this in much longer.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Take the OM out , call his girlfriend, keep him busy defending his patch. Do not put any value in the break they most certainly have a routine and this is normal for them or they have gone underground. 

Whatever happens do not accept any explanation of we are friends etc..that bull and she knows it, script for a wayward is to lie, lie and lie again.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

She could also be changing the sim card our and using another one when not around you or she has a hidden throw away phone. 

If she has a smartphone like a Droid or iPhone look for chat software. 

Agree with Eli-zor - take OM out call the GF!!!

Regardless - stay calm when confronting her. Try to have a witness or have a recorder on you for your own protection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

luckyman said:


> You should know that this is illegal. BTW.


It may or may not be admissible in court. Are you a lawyer? I know that cell phones (radio waves) are treated differently than land lines in telecom law. So it may be legal to bug a cell phone where it would be illegal to bug a land line.

However, if you are the owner of the phone and your wife is the primary user, it may be legal to use the software without her knowledge.

In any case, if I were looking for the truth about whether my wife was cheating or not, I would not worry about the law.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

Thanks for the info about spy software, I dont think it is needed, i do believe I have all I need to confront her. Her phone does not have a SIM card, its just an old LG wine. Nothing high tech about it. 
I stopped at the house at lunch time today and there they were the OM with his GF and his sister. I found that very odd, also his GF was talking to me in a way she normaly don't she said "Hi sexy did you miss me" and "I sure missed you". I am starting to wounder something, this might be far fetched. They are a very sexual couple she is a sex toy salesperson. Could it be posible that the GF is in on this too and maybe they are working on trying to get us into a foursome or swap. Maybe that is why they are working on her because normaly the female would be the hardest to convince. She said before I left that my spouse and I should come up there some weekend and stay overnight.

Maybe I am just thinking way to much!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No you aren't, that was way to innapropriate. So now your screwed. The OM, GF and your W are heading for a threesome.

What is the deal are they old friends, do you want them in your life?
Is your W bi?

make out with the GF in front of your W, see what happens, She may get pissed and never want to hang around these folks again.

Bad advise, I know, that will just add fuel to the fire.

Good luck on Fri. you both need to sit down and talk about the whole thing. Her texting, GF coming on to you, the whole aspect of what may happen if she continues with these poeple. The whole aspect of both of you engaging with them..in any way.

In my experience my wife was hard to convince, but folks are different. Typically the GF would come on to you then its your job to convince your wife. So it seems the boy friend has come on to your wife, GF came on to you and now you have this very serious talk you must have with your W.

Again there are a ton of ways this can go down, the bottom line is it can be unhealthy for the marraige.

There are a ton of variable that can become of this sitch. and none are healthy for the marraige. The thing is, is your W in on it or is she just as in the dark as far as the swing thing? 



Again theres alot to talk about this Fri.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Wow! Your story is so bizzare that it seems like it came right out of a movie... I don't even now what to say because I'm dumb founded as I sit here and watch the plot thicken.

Good luck... Thats all I got...

Keep us up to date. I'll try to scramble this around in my brain until I think of some kind of advice.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Tyler75 said:


> I have noticed looking at the phone records online that there hasent been any texting between them for 5 days. They might just be taking a break or maybe his g/f found out. I guess there could multiple things going on. Maybe texting is getting boring and the actual cheating could start. Good thing Friday is soon here, my step daughter leaves for her fathers after school on friday. I cant hold this in much longer.


Or one of them has another phone or are using computer instead.


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## Tyler75 (Apr 29, 2011)

To answer some of "the guy" questions. No my spouse is not bi, maybe she is bi curious and just never told me that she is. They are not old friends, we met them while me and her were together. He is actualy the son of a good friend of mine. I am starting to think that my spouse is in the dark as much as me on some aspects.

Forsaken, I know that last part sounds bizarre about the swapping. That part is just me thinking of what might be going on. I could be 110% wrong, and probably are. Today is Friday, some sort of discusion will be taking place this evening. 

I will update you all at some point this weekend when I can get to a computer while she aint around.

Cheers


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I would say if your wife brought it up, nip it in the bud. DON'T SWAP!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its Fri. and I hope you have that talk you had mentioned.

I have a feeling that once you and your wife discuss the possiblity or at least the assumtion that theses kids want to swing it my shed some light on it.

I keep thinking that fight fire with fire and tell your wife about the GF. I'm thinking if W feels some threat from the GF she may back off on the relationship IDK.

Some how get these folks out of your marriage. The fire with fire thing can back fire but the strong arm routine may just cause your wife to contact this kid deeper underground.

I mean does your W really want to assoiciate with these poeple when she thinks it will end up breaking up her marraige? Who knows, but you need to take the action you see fit in protecting your marraige.

You can't controll your W but you can controll what you will tolorate so if she wants to contact these kids then you have the choice to move on. Just like she has the choice to keep in touch with them at the risk of loosing her husband.

Please do not loose sight that you diserve happiness and it is so unhealthy to go through life thinking you will do anything for any one when they won't do the same for you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I believe that honesty is the best policy. Sit her down, cell phones off and address the issue head on. Sticking your head in the sand and hoping it stops or that she makes a mistake so that you can catch her is enabling the behavior.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only proplem is the cheating spouse doesn't play by those rules, with regard to honesty, so all us betrayed spouses have to find the proof first so they stop dening it.

It sucks but damed if you do damed if you dont

You confront her and she denies and takes it deeper underground,
or they continue to get closer and closer as we try to get undeniable eveidence.


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## sayitasitis (Feb 16, 2013)

**** his girl and break her phone (show her a lil temper)... bdw old post wanna knw wat happ.... u still married to her?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

ZOMBIE THREAD! IT'S EATING MY BRAINS!

And wow it never got solved, I love a happy ending.


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