# Sexless Marriage (This time the WOMAN wants it!)



## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

I heard that before me, my husband was very sexually active. He would never give me an exact number and to this day he knew mine (4) but I never got to hear his. That bugged me a bit, but on the other hand, did I really want to know? Yes and no. So maybe no wasn't so bad.

From the start when we would have sex he would tell me I was like CHERRIOS. It's nice to have it for breakfast but if you have it every morning you'll get bored. Basically he was saying he just felt like I lay there and it was boring sex, etc. That, and I didn't want it very much then. We were in college, we both didn't want to have a kid early, etc.

Then problems started happening in the relationship which didn't help towards the sex problem as well. He was never a MAKE UP SEX guy at all. He wanted to be far away from me after we fought.

We've always had our problems throughout the years with communciation, etc and now we are seeing a marriage counselor, which is going really really well! 

I'll put it this way, we conceived our daughter in April of 2014 and didn't have sex again until MAY of 2015! First he wanted it in the beginning of pregnancy but I was sick, then he didn't want it when he could see me growing because he was afraid he would "hurt the baby" (I believe all excuses) ... 

We have had sex twice since she was conceived now and it's the end of July 2016. We are both in our early 30s, and I always wanted it. The stars had to be aligned in order for us to do it, or he was too tired, or he doesn't like to during the week when he has work the next day ... just seems to be excuse after excuse.

Then, his brother got married and his wife told me that SHE was having similar problems! That his brother also didn't want to have sex very often. She thought that was more of a self image situation. My husband doesn't really suffer from poor self image, but I sure felt better that he was his brother as well and I didn't feel like it was all me.

Don't get me wrong, he calls me beautiful almost everyday, tells me he loves me everyday, as I do the same to him. But when it comes to him initiating sex, good god I don't even REMEMBER when the last time he did was. It happens when I basically TELL HIM to take off his pants .... ridiculous. Doesn't make me feel very good, I'll tell you that. Maybe I'm boring. I am self concious, and sex shy I would say ish. But I've CERTAINLY gotten better... I would even be willing to have some fun with him if he'd initiate and open up and be fun with me. Come to think of it ... HE'S BORING ... but I don't even think of it as an issue because I'm just happy to be getting some! Woah, that's sad!

Suggestions. Anyone going through something similar?

Oi


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Heeter first off sorry you are here.
When you mentioned his brother right then I thought possible childhood sex abuse.
Tread lightly but it could be.
Or was it a very strict household or strict religious belief.
Just throwing ideas out there.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Drag his arse to ic or mc nip this now.:smile2:


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## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

No childa abuse. His parents were VERY liberal. They actually brought sex up and would talk about it openly from when they were young. We think this could have been it and they were sex-ed out.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Heeter I wish I could help but I am in the same situation only genders reversed ,maybe its a control thing or how is his body image I am of the opinion that Ws problem is body image but won't admit but am only guessing its a heavy load to be yoked unevenly
Just of late I have come to think that maybe we should be re married again later in life either to reignite the bloom of romanceor find a new mate of like mind
But good on you for trying to initiate IMO a good sex life creates a caring loving relationship even if makedos are on the menu just as long as the desire is satisfied,its a thumbs up from mehttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/confused.gif


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Have you had a serious sit down talk with him about it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What does he do for a release.. porn.. how often does he masturbate.. have you opened this conversation? Sometimes bad habits get formed.. with the pregnancy, he started to self serve.. and got stuck in this habit .. while intimacy has slowly came to a crawl.... if there has been silent resentments..these too will need to be worked through.. listening to each other.. finding your way back to each other.. 

Intimacy re-visited. I'd look up some spicing books on amazon...and go through them together..


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## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

So many times. Each time it seems to push him farther away from wanting to solve it because it's "shoved in his face"


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## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

He won't answer me on the masterbation ... where, when etc....


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

So, basically he won't discuss it? 

If that's the case you have a decision to make.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

I know that's really hurtful, because love-making is so necessary in marriage, to some degree.
To be honest, I would wait and pray, and hopefully he will come around to wanting you again.
OR continue to be the initiator for the rest of your lives.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think you posted the same in two threads. Its easier to have a discussion in one thread, suggest you close or move one of these.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Check his internet history and see if there are any women in his chosen porn genre.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

OK, since we are all having to guess since he is not talking, and I hope I won't offend you by asking, but is it possible that he might be attracted to men not women? The research says that men's sexuality isn't fluid like women's but I have known of at least two couples where this emerged as the issue for the husband right at about your husband's age. Whether these men were deeply closeted or just discovered this fact, I don't know but your husband's behavior is so off the norm for a straight man that I wonder if this might be what you are dealing with. And I don't think just because he has a history with women in the past (supposedly) that you should foreclose the possibility of SSA. Again I don't want to unnecessarily scare you but on the other hand I do believe you need to stop blaming yourself for his behavior. You don't need to go spicing things up when he is not even coming to the table. This is on him. There is some issue here that he isn't talking about and it might be any of the issues others have raised in their posts. Or something else entirely. But you aint the problem kid! So don't go beating yourself up for it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

minebeloved said:


> I know that's really hurtful, because love-making is so necessary in marriage, to some degree.
> To be honest, I would wait and pray, and hopefully he will come around to wanting you again.
> OR continue to be the initiator for the rest of your lives.


No offense, minebeloved, but this is the WORST possible advice I think I've ever seen on TAM. Wait, pray, and HOPE he will come around to wanting her again?

Horrible, horrible, horrible advice. If she follows your advice, she will continue to become more and more frustrated, and at the same time his neglect (yes! This is neglect!) will eat away at her self-confidence, feelings of attractiveness and desirability, and sense of self-worth. She will start to ask herself, what is wrong with me? Why am I not enough for this man? And this will bleed into the rest of her life, and impact her parenting, perhaps her relationships with other people.

OP, part of me wonders why in the world you would have married a man who compared sex with you to Cheerios. That was an incredibly cruel thing of him to say to you. He stays as far away from you as possible after fights, he won't touch you, he won't initiate... in fact, he _*makes excuses*_ for why he cannot have sex with you. And when you've tried to talk to him about this issue, he pulls even further away from you because you've "pushed it in his face."

There is something very, VERY wrong with your husband.

He is depriving you of the most important component in marriage: intimacy. He is clearly denying you physical intimacy, but he's also refusing emotional intimacy as well (his refusal to talk about it). The two of you are married; the two of you need to be able to talk about sex. 

I recommend doing 2 things:

1) Start doing the 180. I doubt that he is cheating on you, which is what the 180 is for. However, a partner who refuses you sex can be very damaging to you psychologically. (I know, I've been in a very similar position. My ex was emotionally abusive, and was using his refusal of sex as a way to punish me [for slights against him that I didn't even know I committed] and as a way to try to control me. It nearly destroyed me. I'm still recovering--and before him, before my marriage, I was a very confident, self-assured woman.) So I want you to take care of your self-esteem and your sense of self in general. So do the 180.

2) Drag his a$$ to MC and try to fix this sh!t. If he won't do it, leave him and file for divorce, because your marriage is over anyway. If he doesn't care enough about you, your marriage, _or your daughter_, to face this problem and work to save your marriage, he doesn't deserve you. I know that you probably don't want your daughter to grow up in a "broken home" (gawd, I HATE that phrase), but growing up with one functional, happy parent is much better than growing up in a dysfunctional family, because she will re-create your relationship with your H when she looks for a mate.

Honestly, though--I don't think that MC will work, but it is literally *your only chance* of saving this marriage. Because he's not going to miraculously one day wake up and spontaneously come to the conclusion, "I have been neglecting my wife's needs for far too long, so I think that I need to fvck her brains out every day from now on!" Not gonna happen. He needs to open his eyes to the fact that he is destroying his marriage--and you need to open your eyes that you've allowed him to do so. You BOTH need to change your behavior to save this marriage, or you need to get out--unless you like being miserable. You need a professional to help you do that. Very few couples manage to successfully do it on their own, and that only happens when both couples are open-minded and committed to doing the reading and doing the work. And right now, your husband isn't. He won't even talk to you about it. That's why you need a professional.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Sometimes I get caught up with my work, my weapon systems, training, my truck, my motorcyle, being a husband, exercising, yardwork, housework, and raising my 2 boys (12 year old and 8 month old) in an alpha lifestyle, that I forget it requires that I get caught up with my wife as well. My wife is hot, but I get so involved in my day to day activities that sometimes I take her presence for granted. I have to be the absolute best at everything I invest my time in, absolutely. Long term intensity is exhausting and I find it difficult to find enough time in the day to get everything I want completed. Because of this, I not only forget to set exclusive time aside for my wife but I sometimes find I forget how. She too is an Alpha in her circles and because of this, we constantly disagree. The constant disagreeing sometimes adds to the difficulty in giving her that time in my day. But because we disagree so much, we have so much to talk about (we don't argue). She has figured out a way to remind me when I've neglected her enough, she draws a line that absolutely dominates everything I've got going on in my mind...

...she puts on some sexy dress, or low cut top with sexy short shorts, accompanied by high heel boots or high heel shoes and I immediately lose myself to her. "Resistance is futile".

All of these items are articles of clothing that I have picked out. She is willing to wear whatever I have chosen. Sometimes, whatever she is wearing allows her to play a different part. Our relationship seems to be renewed with every new character she takes on. She is versatile and can take on many roles. Stunning outfits coupled with her demeanor, remind me that I've got to remain on my "A Game" all the time. Not so much for fear of losing her, but just for the simple fact that she always deserves my best. Sometimes, she even lays out an outfit across the bed early in the day to signal me that we have overlooked investing time in ourselves. When I see these outfits layed out, I immediately find myself outside uncovering our ride and washing it up and detailing it in anticipation for an eventful date later in the evening.

Men are predominantly visually stimulated and it might help if you provide the husband some eye candy of his own creation. It will be hard to resist what he already knows he can't resist. This is how my wife gets me. Give him free will and have him go out and pick some stuff out. He'll provide you with valuable information you might have never discovered on your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Apexmale said:


> Sometimes I get caught up with my work, my weapon systems, training, my truck, my motorcyle, being a husband, exercising, yardwork, housework, and raising my 2 boys (12 year old and 8 month old) in an alpha lifestyle, that I forget it requires that I get caught up with my wife as well. My wife is hot, but I get so involved in my day to day activities that sometimes I take her presence for granted. I have to be the absolute best at everything I invest my time in, absolutely. Long term intensity is exhausting and I find it difficult to find enough time in the day to get everything I want completed. Because of this, I not only forget to set exclusive time aside for my wife but I sometimes find I forget how. She too is an Alpha in her circles and because of this, we constantly disagree. The constant disagreeing sometimes adds to the difficulty in giving her that time in my day. But because we disagree so much, we have so much to talk about (we don't argue). She has figured out a way to remind me when I've neglected her enough, she draws a line that absolutely dominates everything I've got going on in my mind...
> 
> ...she puts on some sexy dress, or low cut top with sexy short shorts, accompanied by high heel boots or high heel shoes and I immediately lose myself to her. "Resistance is futile".
> 
> ...


Very strange.... so you ignore your wife except when she gets in some costume that you bought for her? 

You might want to look into the idea of no-sexual intimacy. It's as important as sexual intimacy. You want to be the best at everything? Meeting your wife's needs is something that should be high up on your priority list.. way before your weapon systems, your truck, your motorcyle, exercising, yardwork, housework

I can understand that, you having never been married to a man like the OP's husband that you do not understand the kind of man she is married to. Generally, it would not matter what kind of eye candy she tried on him.. he's not interested in live woman.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Very strange.... so you ignore your wife except when she gets in some costume that you bought for her?
> 
> You might want to look into the idea of no-sexual intimacy. It's as important as sexual intimacy. You want to be the best at everything? Meeting your wife's needs is something that should be high up on your priority list.. way before your weapon systems, your truck, your motorcyle, exercising, yardwork, housework
> 
> I can understand that, you having never been married to a man like the OP's husband that you do not understand the kind of man she is married to. Generally, it would not matter what kind of eye candy she tried on him.. he's not interested in live woman.


Keyword... "sometimes" I should have posted it in all caps then.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

What does your marriage counselor say about the sex problems?

I see a guy who complained about vanilla sex prior to the baby and just kept distancing himself afterwards. The no sex during pregnancy is common as hell (it happened to me with our first). That said, if he was already distant and then developed (or channeled) that into a Madonna/***** complex... well, that would explain a lot.


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