# My wife cheated after 15 years, is she still?



## Clawed

Okay, so early this year, I discovered that my wife was cheating on me. She was not too sloppy, but I went with a gut instinct and caught her.

I had a hard time with it, but things seemed to improve SO much in our marriage, until one night she confessed to still having feelings for this married jerkwad, and she left me in a hurry.

I actually still would like to know if she is seeing someone else even though we are no longer living together. She left me to 'find herself' but I assume this is code for 'continuing the relationship.' She has since served me with divorce papers.

So, what is the best way to find out it she is still messing around? Her family is convinced she has done nothing wrong and I want to have some sort of proof.

Thanks for any help, seriously :smthumbup:


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## workindad

Contact married jerkwads wife. She may have something to share with you. Outing his butt to her runs the risk of jerkwad throwing your wife under the bus.

Do you want her back? Are there kids involved?

If no kids, then I'd fast track the D and not give a rip about her parents.

How did you catch her the first time? 

She most likely left to go find herself in bed with jerkwad.


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## DavidWYoung

yes, she is with someone. That being said, you can make up your own story about what is going on and it will be true.

The thing is, your mind will race around until you come up with an answer that you accept. You do not have to stand by a window and watch what happens blow by blow. It doesn't matter, she is now a POS. She has no honor, she is no longer the woman you thought she was, she is now just a POS. Don't waste many hours wondering why. She wanted to do this, it is all on her.

After you come out of the grief stage, step back and focus on you and what your plan for the next five years are going to be and what you need to do to get there.

I know this sounds flippant but you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and understand that she proved to you and everyone else that she is not right for you and you can do so much better than her. Just my two cents. David


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## weightlifter

Drive by her place at 10 pm and failing that 2am tonight.
Take the license plate number.

You should really fill in a bit. Ages, kids, what state you are in, when she confessed the second time and when she left to find herself.


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## tom67

Did you tell the omw yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

workindad said:


> Contact married jerkwads wife. She may have something to share with you. Outing his butt to her runs the risk of jerkwad throwing your wife under the bus.
> 
> Do you want her back? Are there kids involved?
> 
> If no kids, then I'd fast track the D and not give a rip about her parents.
> 
> How did you catch her the first time?
> 
> She most likely left to go find herself in bed with jerkwad.


Sorry, I did keep things a bit brief above for the sake of the reader.

I did out out him to his wife as they lived in close proximity to our house (which we have since sold - last week). 

I actually had an inclination one night as she left for work (3rd shift). I called her right after she left and got the beep signifying she was on another call. I did not confront her then but I should have, because she was on the line with said jerkwad.

I used to want her back, but the infidelity is the first transgression in an ever increasing list. She has cheated, moved out, taking my son out of his school under the guise of 'finding herself' and that she needed time, at least the five weeks it would take for him to finish the school year at the school where her mom teaches. She told me at the end of five weeks she had no intentions of coming back.

I was devastated when I found out about the cheating. I had no reason to believe there were real issues. We were as close as two people could be. I (still) love her so much and I would have done anything for her. My family and friends are floored by all of this. They have said that they always looked to us as inspiration for their own marriages even!

I think I want to know for myself... I want to know if there is a reason for this complete 180 over the past 4 months. I'm still trying to figure things out, not because I feel she is worth it with the way she has treated me, but because I want to be able to put together the pieces. I want to know if she was leading me along this whole time while she evaluated her other options, or if she really does want to be alone - as she states.


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## weightlifter

Ah closure.

Read other thread.

Roughly she moved out june 12 this year.

So do the drive by. Unfortunately since you are formally sepatated you cant var her or her car.

Pi would work but is expensive.

Think you said aridzona. Not sure if infidelity matters.


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## Clawed

weightlifter said:


> Unfortunately since you are formally sepatated you cant var her or her car.


Hey, sorry, I am not sure what this means, can you clarify?


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## betrayed2013

my stbxw did the same thing. Read my threads......it went from questioning a happy marriage out of the frickin blue, to trip with firends, then her feeling better, cuz she was carrying on an affair with a douche from the gym, then was busted, then signed on for a cheaters website to communicate with more scum....then she wanted to sell the house which we did. We both have our own homes now. 5 months into separation she is totally melting down. Asking if we are done for good and if there is any chance to fix whats broken, to regretting everything, to missing me....u get the picture. The fact is, u too will probably experience all of this....she is starting therapy again on monday to see whats wrong with her. She knows she screwed up and has said just last week that "she is paying for it bigtime"........just get ready for it cuz if ur as good a husband as u say u r, she'll realize that she messed up bigtime. How long have u been married and how old are u guys? Midlife meltdown perhaps? If shes in her mid thirties to mid 40's and questioned this out of the blue, then i'd bet she has an idenitity crisis.


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## Clawed

betrayed2013 said:


> my stbxw did the same thing. Read my threads......it went from questioning a happy marriage out of the frickin blue, to trip with firends, then her feeling better, cuz she was carrying on an affair with a douche from the gym, then was busted, then signed on for a cheaters website to communicate with more scum....then she wanted to sell the house which we did. We both have our own homes now. 5 months into separation she is totally melting down. Asking if we are done for good and if there is any chance to fix whats broken, to regretting everything, to missing me....u get the picture. The fact is, u too will probably experience all of this....she is starting therapy again on monday to see whats wrong with her. She knows she screwed up and has said just last week that "she is paying for it bigtime"........just get ready for it cuz if ur as good a husband as u say u r, she'll realize that she messed up bigtime. How long have u been married and how old are u guys? Midlife meltdown perhaps? If shes in her mid thirties to mid 40's and questioned this out of the blue, then i'd bet she has an idenitity crisis.


Sorry to hear that. I now hear so many different stories now that I have been coming to TAM for a couple of months now. I see all of the hurt that results from these things, and that there are so many people that have gone, are going through or will go through this in the future. It's really sad...

Please know that I am not without fault here. We had what I thought was a healthy marriage. We had disagreements every so often and it always seemed we grew closer for having gone through another trial successfully. We both brought some character flaws / baggage to the table but we seemed like a perfect fit despite those things. We also shared the same values, especially morally and spiritually speaking - but we found each other very early in life - we were each other's 'firsts' and by that I mean first bf/gf - period. We have been married for 9.5 years and been together for 15. I am 33 and she is 31.


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## Jasel

File for divorce, try to start detaching, do the 180.


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## Chaparral

Do you have access to any cell phone/text records. How do you know she is still talking to the posom? Does his wife know that? 

How do they know each other?


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## Clawed

Jasel said:


> File for divorce, try to start detaching, do the 180.


Okay, she did end up filing, and it's too bad because being on the receiving end is not much fun. It would have been nice to at least have some control. 

I guess the only thing I can control is the way I come out of this. I never thought I could make it through something like this... but I have had to, I have no choice here. My son is priority 1 right now. I came from a broken home and I never thought my son would have to go through the same. The good thing is that I have lived through what my own parents did and I know in what ways they fell short so I can try to avoid making some of those same mistakes. Kills me though that she created this tumultuous environment for our son. I hate her for that.


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## Chaparral

Btw, you need a junk yard dog lawyer. Also, check out dadsdivorce.com.

Do you have 50/50 custody?

Have you read up on the 180?


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## Clawed

Chaparral said:


> Do you have access to any cell phone/text records. How do you know she is still talking to the posom? Does his wife know that?
> 
> How do they know each other?


Here is the crap part about the phone bill. I was never on it because her dad (another police officer, just like the OM), received special pricing thus he recieved the bill. I wonder if there is a way I can retrieve them.

We will have 50/50 custody but I am the built in babysitter. I bet she would even deny me that if she had to find a sitter anyway. She works 3rd and I work 1st - which did strain the marriage a bit.

I don't know if she is still talking to him. I have not contacted the OMs wife in a couple months or so since it happened. 

Also, I don't know what 'the 180' is but I'm pretty sure I can guess. I am sure I can find posts about it here?


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## Chaparral

Clawed said:


> Here is the crap part about the phone bill. I was never on it because her dad (another police officer, just like the OM), received special pricing thus he recieved the bill. I wonder if there is a way I can retrieve them.


Your attorney can subpoena all relaevant records. Phone, facebook etc. That should be the first thing they do.


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## Will_Kane

Clawed said:


> I was never on it because her dad (another police officer, just like the OM), received special pricing thus he recieved the bill. I wonder if there is a way I can retrieve them.


Are you and her police officers, too?


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## Clawed

Will_Kane said:


> Are you and her police officers, too?


Haha... Actually my wife does work for the City of Phoenix as a civilian but she is a secretary who inputs the officer's reports. She started to have a strange obsession with officers though - usually having an emotional meltdown for fallen officers. She would always talk crap about her coworkers and how they would stalk officers and about how her coworkers all slept around with married officers. Funny, she turned out to be the biggest hypocrite I've ever known. Me? No way... My day job is a customer service manager but I am a wedding photographer who would love to do that full-time. Needless to say, I now very much dislike police officers in general.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1

Clawed said:


> Haha... Actually my wife does work for the City of Phoenix as a civilian but she is a secretary who inputs the officer's reports. She started to have a strange obsession with officers though - usually having an emotional meltdown for fallen officers. She would always talk crap about her coworkers and how they would stalk officers and about how her coworkers all slept around with married officers. Funny, she turned out to be the biggest hypocrite I've ever known. Me? No way... My day job is a customer service manager but I am a wedding photographer who would love to do that full-time. Needless to say, I now very much dislike police officers in general.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's obsessed with cops?sheesh..they're nothing special..I know plenty of them...it's not like they're Navy Seals..


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## Truthseeker1

Check this site out..this shows what "heroes" they are...

Cop Block | Reporting Police Abuse, Brutality, and Corruption

*"Cop Block is a decentralized project supported by a diverse group of individuals united by their shared goal of police accountability.

We highlight the double standard that some grant to those with badges by pointing to and supporting those harmed. By documenting police actions whether they are illegal, immoral or just a waste of time and resources then putting direct pressure on the individuals responsible (ideally while recording and then later sharing), we can work together to bring about transparency and have a real impact.

CopBlock.org is a resource for the education of individual rights through the dissemination of different viewpoints and tactics that seek to curtail the all-too-common rights-violations and unaccountability that today exists.

We do not “hate cops.” We believe that no one – not even those with badges – has extra rights. The failure to realize and act on that is to our detriment. By focusing the disinfecting light of transparency on public officials we safeguard not just our rights but those of future generations."*


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## Shaggy

Post OM up on cheaterville.com

Get yourself the shark lawyer.


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## the guy

Truthseeker1 said:


> She's obsessed with cops?sheesh..they're nothing special..I know plenty of them...it's not like they're Navy Seals..


Cops....I didn't like them when they were busting my skull when I was a kid and i didn;t like them when they were screwing my wife!!!!!

But thats not the point cuz there alot of good cops out there.

My point is you have lost the edge with regards to damage control and even if you had the edge you married into a cop family.

However I would still do the heavy lifting in investigate your old lady but after that...from were I'm sitting she is no longer your problem.

I mean hell brother, she filed, put a fork in it, stop letting your old lady define you!

go find some other chick that will define you...better yet define your self and just maybe you will score a chick that will be loyal.

I think at the end of the day your old lady just ain't worth the trouble...but that just me.

I mean its one thing if she was stringing you along and you were stuck in some limbo bull crap....but DUDE SHE FILED!

Sorry for shouting.


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## Anuvia

betrayed2013 said:


> my stbxw did the same thing. Read my threads......it went from questioning a happy marriage out of the frickin blue, to trip with firends, then her feeling better, cuz she was carrying on an affair with a douche from the gym, then was busted, then signed on for a cheaters website to communicate with more scum....then she wanted to sell the house which we did. We both have our own homes now. 5 months into separation she is totally melting down. Asking if we are done for good and if there is any chance to fix whats broken, to regretting everything, to missing me....u get the picture. The fact is, u too will probably experience all of this....she is starting therapy again on monday to see whats wrong with her. She knows she screwed up and has said just last week that "she is paying for it bigtime"........just get ready for it cuz if ur as good a husband as u say u r, she'll realize that she messed up bigtime. How long have u been married and how old are u guys? Midlife meltdown perhaps? If shes in her mid thirties to mid 40's and questioned this out of the blue, then i'd bet she has an idenitity crisis.


Please tell me that you have no intention of reconciling with her.


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## the guy

Anuvia said:


> Please tell me that you have no intention of reconciling with her.


STBXW=soon to be ex wife

I'm thinking OP is heading for divorce.

It sucks and sh1t happens but waywards have regret just like betrayed have spite.

Maybe some day they can figure it out once the dust clears. Maybe some day OP's spouse can have the degree of submission that is needed to mean what she says. Maybe some day the waywards actions will speak louder then her empty words, when it comes to change.... a change for the better!

But thats just me!


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## lordmayhem

Truthseeker1 said:


> She's obsessed with cops?sheesh..they're nothing special..I know plenty of them...it's not like they're Navy Seals..


They are called Badge Bunnies.


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## Dyokemm

I have 3 cousins who are LEO's and 1 who is a correctional officer.

And though I love them all as family and they will always be my blood, they are (every single one of them) ****y and arrogant and walk around with a sense of entitlement, that they are above the rules mere mortals have to follow.

I have two friends/acquaintances who are LEO's that also have the same attitude.

It disgusts me. 

And it is far worse than any attitude/entitlement I saw during my years as a Navy officer (with a couple of exceptions who were just as bad).

Now, I've never pried into my relatives private lives, but one of the acquaintances was a guy who constantly ran around on his gf's when I still hung around with him often (several years ago now).

His attitude was almost like he deserved it cause his job was so stressful.

To be honest, based on the one known example from my experience and the remarkable similarities in personality, I would not be shocked to hear that any of the LEO's I personally know were entitled cheaters.

And I hate to say this, but most (but not all) LEO's I have ever had to deal with have the same ****y, entitled attitude.

I could see how cheating and justification for fellow officers/relatives would be common in the profession.

At least from my personal experience. 

I know this is very subjective and anecdotal and have never actually seen a study with statistics on whether it is actually statistically true.


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## lordmayhem

Wow, mention that OM is a cop and out come the cop bashers. Yeah, we're all arrogant, entitled jerks.  That must have been why I became a LEO. It comes with the territory I guess. Like I was told in the Academy, people hate us because he have to hold people accountable. 

Frack it, I'm out of this forum for a while.


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## Horizon

Clawed said:


> Sorry, I did keep things a bit brief above for the sake of the reader.
> 
> I did out out him to his wife as they lived in close proximity to our house (which we have since sold - last week).
> 
> I actually had an inclination one night as she left for work (3rd shift). I called her right after she left and got the beep signifying she was on another call. I did not confront her then but I should have, because she was on the line with said jerkwad.
> 
> I used to want her back, but the infidelity is the first transgression in an ever increasing list. She has cheated, moved out, taking my son out of his school under the guise of 'finding herself' and that she needed time, at least the five weeks it would take for him to finish the school year at the school where her mom teaches. She told me at the end of five weeks she had no intentions of coming back.
> 
> I was devastated when I found out about the cheating. I had no reason to believe there were real issues. We were as close as two people could be. I (still) love her so much and I would have done anything for her. My family and friends are floored by all of this. They have said that they always looked to us as inspiration for their own marriages even!
> 
> I think I want to know for myself... I want to know if there is a reason for this complete 180 over the past 4 months. I'm still trying to figure things out, not because I feel she is worth it with the way she has treated me, but because I want to be able to put together the pieces. I want to know if she was leading me along this whole time while she evaluated her other options, or if she really does want to be alone - as she states.


They get a mouthful of *** and we get left with a mountain of questions. My personal belief now, after the last 18 weeks, is that the POS WS's derive some type of perverse power trip watching us BS's floundering around trying to put it together. The only truth that matters is the one relative to you. They are not worth it but those emotional hooks drive us onward and upward to further despair and humiliation. Good luck Clawed.


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## Clawed

To be fair, I have nothing against LEOs in terms of the fact that I respect the job itself. However there are many who give the title a bad name. I've heard that the stress factor plays a big part in that. It doesn't matter, the fact remains that my stbxw messed around with another married man, thereby potentially destroying 4 lives outside of their own (both families have a kid). That is despicable by any standard. My wife denies anything else has occurred but she is far from credible at this point. I know that it's easy to say "What's the difference now?" but I feel I deserve to know the whole truth after what I've been through. I've already taken many steps toward healing, including coming to TAM. The infidelity is as hard to cope with as the divorce itself, though, and to this day, I don't have answers for either one. My wife has given me next to nothing about why either have occurred. That's incredibly hard for someone who really believes in the marriage commitment, and who would have done anything to make things work.


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## JCD

Here is the deal: between her attitude of 'bye' and filing, and her father and OM both being officers, I wouldn't go any farther.

Even a PI might be leery of taking the case since he is probably former law enforcement or has to work closely with law enforcement.

That being said, IF you get evidence instead of pathetic driving around where she might be and throw it at her parent's feet...yeah it will exonerate you but what else will happen?

Much better to get the evidence on the cop and submit this fact in a complaint to their superiors (I mean work superiors, You can find their moral superiors at any dive bar you can find) If they work with one another AT ALL, they look at some kind of black mark on their record and perhaps a suspension of some kind.

IF you do this, then make sure that you mention his name prominently to the secretaries and how this is in reference to a divorce action. Why? It is embarrassing. His fellow officers gossip up a storm. Let them know how unsafe he is around other men's women...AND let the other secretaries know what they might lose. Also, suddenly Cop Dad is faced with the embarrassment that his daughter is a cheating whor*. So there will be some work tension...maybe.

Just get out. Don't call her, don't go by her work or her apartment. If you have visits of the kids arranged, don't meet her or talk to her. Text everything! Be a ghost in her life at best.

All you can do is deny her yourself at this point.

Separate your finances and take as much cash as possible in payment. Get your own bank account and credit cards. Stop access she has to your money. 

Lawyer up.


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## Chaparral

Being willing to do anything to save a relationship is actually bad. It makes you a doormat and unatractive. The one that has the least invested in the marriage controls it. You need to read MMSLP as fast as you can. Men have been programed to act in a way foriegn to biology and their nature. Your wife sees the om as more manly than you. Read the book, you like all of us will be shocked. There is a reason women chase bad boys.

There is a link to MMSLP in my sig below.


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## Rottdad42

Okay I will bite. Clawed I'm a LEO, that being said we had quite a few civilian woman who married cops. Most were single, some divorced. There were a few that were enticed by that within that working environment. Badge bunnies is the term. Myself, unacceptable behavior. I have been gutted by this horror and was always faithful. Never strayed but wearing a uniform, riding a motor gets a lot of attention some not welcome. Your SO has zero excuse for doing this and has taken your good morals and basically 187'd them. At this moment she is fogged, when she comes to her senses she will be a mess. Families are now forever destroyed by this. Way to WW people. For those who are honest, with morals and conviction, suffer beyond repair. Can you "R", maybe it will take a lot of work. Question is do you want to. From my POV, I could never trust her again. "EVER"! For a LEO, we never fully trust anyway, now insert this crap, big hurdle to overcome. BTW, not all of us are stupid like this guy, he just arrogant with a side order of god complex. Good luck.


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## Chaparral

Here is a link to the 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Your wife has gone off the rails. There is no way to change that. Even if she wanted to come back, you will never get over what she has done. Live the 180, let her go find a way to start dating, you will be surprised how much that helps.

Get IC for your self and your child.

See your MD for temporary help, they see this regularly.

Post the OM on cheaterville.com if you have the stones.

Read MMSLP, there is also a blog, Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Read NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY, it can be downloaded for free.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/


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## Chaparral

*Originally Posted by marduk View Post 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!*


----------



## happyman64

Clawed

Read Marduk's statement above about "Letting Go" that Chap provided you.

It is the best advice.

It is ok to hate your STBXW for what she has done to you, your son and your concept of marriage.

Your wife is a cheater and liar. Saying that why on earth would you waste any more time waiting for the truth about why she did what she did.

I get it you were each others firsts. I get it that you guys were together since your teens. The same thing happened to me minus the kid.

I realized after a year I was never going to get the answers I seeked because my Ex was selfish at the core. That was the real reason she did what she did.

Sadly she never was able to answer those questions nor has she ever truly comprehended what she did not only to me but herself.

I moved on. I found the one. You will too!

Because you want to. 

So continue to improve you. Get this divorce over with. Leave her behind where she belongs. Love your boy to the max.

And find a woman that is 10x better than her in every way.

From what you have told us it wont be too hard.

The best revenge is to live well! 

HM64


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## 6301

Clawed.

I know you want answers and I feel bad that she has left but the writing is on the wall. She filed for divorce and your left with a bunch of questions and no answers. 

I had an experience way way back where I got caught up in a situation where my fiancé was pregnant, I was in the military and the guy that got her pregnant was a loser and she told me that the kid was mine, I married her to find out a few weeks later that it wasn't mine and she used me in order to get a dependent ID card and the govt paid for everything and that was 45 years ago. 42 years ago I finally talked to her about what she did and she gave me her story as to why. I listened to it and it stunk to high heaven. She still couldn't be honest but the point is that even if she was, the mindset I had and still have about the incident is that no answer would be good enough. There would and always will be more questions no matter how I phrase them, the long and the short of it is you'll never be satisfied. My advice is to let her go and enjoy your life and your child. 

It's just one of life's lessons and you have to deal with it but the sooner you let go, the better your life will be. I know because for 40 years it plagued me and after hearing her, it didn't matter. Good luck to you.


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## Shaggy

I suggest public exposure of the OM via cheaterville, and possibly her too. In other words boil the bunny.


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## The Middleman

Shaggy said:


> I suggest public exposure of the OM via cheaterville, and possibly her too. In other words boil the bunny.


This! And definitely expose both. You "wife" deserves to be exposed.


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## PreRaphaelite

Clawed said:


> Here is the crap part about the phone bill. I was never on it because her dad (another police officer, just like the OM), received special pricing thus he recieved the bill. I wonder if there is a way I can retrieve them.
> 
> We will have 50/50 custody but I am the built in babysitter. I bet she would even deny me that if she had to find a sitter anyway. She works 3rd and I work 1st - which did strain the marriage a bit.
> 
> I don't know if she is still talking to him. I have not contacted the OMs wife in a couple months or so since it happened.
> 
> Also, I don't know what 'the 180' is but I'm pretty sure I can guess. I am sure I can find posts about it here?


Quit wondering. You know she's been having an affair with this guy, she moves out, she files for divorce, and you're wondering if she stills talks to him? Of course she does, every night in bed because they are 100% still fvcking each other. 

Give her the divorce, and now that you know what the 180 is, do it. Do not contact her, do not ask her to reconsider, and get a good lawyer to protect your assets if you haven't already. 

Ask yourself after all she's done whether she's worth it.


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## Clawed

Okay this is why I'm really glad I came here. I can take the cold hard truth and I'm not just looking for what I want to hear. I love that I get so much great and varied advice without even having to see a counselor - because all my counselor did was listen. Almost no feedback was given. I could've just talked to myself for free.

So I think my plan is to just continue what I have been doing. I have already been seeking counsel and my psychiatrist got me on some good meds to help with the depression. I don't have much contact with the wife. I would have NO contact but we make a nearly daily exchange with our son so I can't cut her out completely. I've been trying to make new friends and start a couple of new hobbies, not the least of which is going to the gym to help myself with the self esteem issues this has caused. I'm back in church and getting myself and my son involved there as well.

The one thing I still do is flip flop on my feelings about her because I see her often and she is as gorgeous as ever. In my mind, there's literally no way a guy like me can trade up from that. As shallow as that sounds, it's a real struggle. However, I know her heart toward me is ice cold and that helps keep things in perspective.

I like the sound of at least outing them at work though. She is so concerned about her reputation as a good girl, especially to her family. She even dropped FB during all of this which is very telling. She is very self righteous and judgemental so I think the biggest threat to her is that her friends, family and coworkers know the truth.

The divorce papers were drawn up and I have had a chance to review them. I'm very concerned about the fact that she checked the box that domestic violence has occurred (not severe - after all, she needs a built in babysitter, so she wants 50/50 custody. My son basically just sleeps at my new place). Anyway D.V. has not occured on any level. Unless she counts me having suicidal thoughts which only occurred after I found out about the infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite

Clawed said:


> The divorce papers were drawn up and I have had a chance to review them. I'm very concerned about the fact that she checked the box that domestic violence has occurred (not severe - after all, she needs a built in babysitter, so she wants 50/50 custody. My son basically just sleeps at my new place). Anyway D.V. has not occured on any level. Unless she counts me having suicidal thoughts which only occurred after I found out about the infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Challenge that absolutely. She's rewriting the marriage history to suit her wishes. Make it absolutely clear that there was no domestic violence. Talk to your lawyer about this before you sign anything and do everything you can to get this stricken from the divorce papers.

If it can't be, tell her that she has to explain in detail and in no uncertain terms just how domestic violence occurred. 

Realize that if she's claiming DV on the divorce, then she probably wants to screw you over. Be prepared and protect yourself. She isn't your wife anymore. She may very well become your enemy. Don't be naive about it.

Don't worry about her being hot. So she's beautiful, so what? Which would you prefer, a beautiful wife who cheats on you or one who's a good woman who may not be a real looker?


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## Clawed

That's exactly what she is doing! She somehow has to justify her actions and unfortunately that means making me the bad guy in all of this. It's the only way she can live with herself. Like I said she does not want a hit to her reputation. Which is exactly why she wants me to sign the papers uncontested.

Believe me, there's no way I'm signing the papers in their current state. I'm not going to allow her to lie about me after all the crap she has put me through. She knows she has the ability to control me though because I've been a pushover our whole marriage. She thinks it's all about money for me too so I'll just sign instead of getting a good lawyer. Apparently she doesn't know me that well because when my backs against the wall I know when to fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad

Do the 180 for you. 

Get a good lawyer proceed with D 

Embrace the chance to rebuild your life without the cheating spouse. 

Post them both on cheaterville.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> The divorce papers were drawn up and I have had a chance to review them. I'm very concerned about the fact that she checked the box that domestic violence has occurred (not severe - after all, she needs a built in babysitter, so she wants 50/50 custody. My son basically just sleeps at my new place). Anyway D.V. has not occured on any level. Unless she counts me having suicidal thoughts which only occurred after I found out about the infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need a LAWYER NOW. D.V. is not a game and can ruin the 50/50 split. Do not sign anything until it is reviewed by a lawyer. 

What you THINK, concerning your importance in childcare, does not matter. 

Yes, she needs a built in baby sitter, but:
What if it is another guy? 
What if is a friend?
What if it is her parents?
What if it is night daycare? They have it in AZ.


If you keep thinking you have the upper hand, you are going to get destroyed. The system is still geared toward women and D.V. will color any judges thinking regardless of gender. Oh, I know Arizona well. The court system, in AZ, SUCKS for men and custody. I was current, received the OFFICIAL letter my CS was done and they "mysteriously" found a year I supposedly didn't pay. This was after they turned everything off.

They have a really good dad network in AZ. I'll see if I can find the website for you.


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## LongWalk

lordmayhem said:


> Wow, mention that OM is a cop and out come the cop bashers. Yeah, we're all arrogant, entitled jerks.  That must have been why I became a LEO. It comes with the territory I guess. Like I was told in the Academy, people hate us because he have to hold people accountable.
> 
> Frack it, I'm out of this forum for a while.


LM, you are too good guy to let this get you down. Hope for a while is only a short while.


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## Chaparral

You need a lawyer or you are going down. She put the domestic violence in to hang you later. Do not believe anything a cheater says. She is trying to squash you like a bug.

Tell your lawyer you want her and her boyfriend deposed.

Ask her who advised her to claim DV? Her boyfriend that's who. You are being set up.


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## MattMatt

Cheaterville for the both of them. And tell his wife.


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## tom67

Chaparral said:


> You need a lawyer or you are going down. She put the domestic violence in to hang you later. Do not believe anything a cheater says. She is trying to squash you like a bug.
> 
> Tell your lawyer you want her and her boyfriend deposed.
> 
> Ask her who advised her to claim DV? Her boyfriend that's who. You are being set up.


Yep and talk to the omw again!


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## Clawed

I actually have a meeting with an attorney Monday to review the papers. Trust me when I say at no point have I ever felt I had the upper hand in all of this. In fact, I know that I'm in a pretty rough spot. My wife will do whatever she needs to to get her way and to try to come out of this smelling like roses. Like I said, if she can paint a picture of me as the bad guy she will. She is trying to - even if it means fabrication in the divorce papers. It sickens me. For her, it just comes down self preservation. She has gotten everything she has wanted so far. She abandoned our new home and knew I could not afford to stay so we had to sell and she got a new place where she could carry on her new life - likely with that POS. She also left me to finish my wedding photography jobs alone even though we were already paid and she got her share of my business profits. God just talking about it makes me so pissed. I deserve so much better than her. I can't wait until this is over because I just want to move on. I even gave up school to start a family with her. Now I have a dead end job unless I can somehow be successful as a full time photog. Which is not easy with everyone who has a camera thinks they're Ansel Adams.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

Clawed said:


> That's exactly what she is doing! She somehow has to justify her actions and unfortunately that means making me the bad guy in all of this. It's the only way she can live with herself. Like I said she does not want a hit to her reputation. Which is exactly why she wants me to sign the papers uncontested.
> 
> Believe me, there's no way I'm signing the papers in their current state. I'm not going to allow her to lie about me after all the crap she has put me through. She knows she has the ability to control me though because I've been a pushover our whole marriage. She thinks it's all about money for me too so I'll just sign instead of getting a good lawyer. *Apparently she doesn't know me that well because when my backs against the wall I know when to fight.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Prove it. Not to me but to yourself.


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## Clawed

JCD said:


> Prove it. Not to me but to yourself.


I love this group! You guys are getting me all kinds of fired up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

I suggest after the meeting the lawyer, why don't you let family on both sides know the truth and mention the oms name. Just say it's unfortunate that she decided to have an affair and end the marriage unless the in-laws hate you of course. And your mutual friends. It's not like she can get any meaner.


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## 6301

IMO the one that told her to check the box on domestic violence was no doubt the OM who is a cop. Who would know better than a cop who has to get involved with these issues from time to time and for anyone out there that is a cop, don't get bent out of shape on what I said. The OM is a cop and a piss poor excuse of one and also a man. 

As far as your wife being a "looker". As they say, "Beauties only skin deep".


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## PreRaphaelite

OP: You need to think pro-actively from now on. Your wife has been several steps ahead of you and now you need to get a step ahead of her.

Consider the situation: she's shagging a cop, she wants to divorce you for him and he's giving her advice on how she can make you look like a criminal. NEVER EVER TRUST A COP. I don't mean that there aren't plenty of responsible cops out there, of course there are, but when their own personal interests become part of it, even good cops will use the sh!tty things that they've learned from the legal system against you.

In addition to seeing a good lawyer and getting this DV thing nipped in the bud, get evidence of your wife's involvement with this guy. Hire a PI if necessary. Once you get the evidence, don't wait. Tell both families and your friends. Once this cop's name is out in the open, then he'll bail because he knows he could get into serious trouble.

You have to play hardball now and think ahead.

Also, BE CAREFUL. Now that the DV is out there, they may try and set you up. DON"T ARGUE WITH HER OR FIGHT WITH HER IN ANY WAY. CARRY A VAR ON YOU IF YOU EVER HAVE TO MEET WITH HER.


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## Shaggy

You can certainly do much better than her - cheating add -1000 to your sex rank.

And you do wedding photography - there isn't a better place on earth to hookup than at a wedding!


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## Clawed

You're right, she has been several steps ahead of me. The reason for that is I was wasting my time holding out hope. That is partly because she led me on by saying she needed time alone to find herself. It is interesting that she kept stressing the 'alone' part. She is so FOS. Is a PI the best way to catch her? Is there anything else I can do? I don't mind spending some money on this but not sure I can afford a PI. I don't want to get screwed in this so I'll do whatever I need to. What is a VAR?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

Shaggy said:


> You can certainly do much better than her - cheating add -1000 to your sex rank.
> 
> And you do wedding photography - there isn't a better place on earth to hookup than at a wedding!


Okay you're probably right. Being a wedding photog seems to have it's perks, I was doing weddings with the wife and I've since been on hiatus because I need a new assistant.

Also- and this is not easy to admit... I have zero experience in flirting, dating, hooking up. I loved my wife more than anything so I was 100% committed since I was 17, I'm 33 now! And maybe I wasn't paying attention but I certainly don't recall a single time where I felt someone was interested in me. Okay maybe not NO interest but until just recently I was extremely introverted. Not so much anymore though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

Clawed said:


> You're right, she has been several steps ahead of me. The reason for that is I was wasting my time holding out hope. That is partly because she led me on by saying she needed time alone to find herself. It is interesting that she kept stressing the 'alone' part. She is so FOS. Is a PI the best way to catch her? Is there anything else I can do? I don't mind spending some money on this but not sure I can afford a PI. I don't want to get screwed in this so I'll do whatever I need to. What is a VAR?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are five to ten years of your life worth if they railroad you? What do you think your job prospects are if you get stuck with a felony DV charge is worth cashwise?

Please recall one little tidbit that your lawyer isn't telling you: the DEBT garnered by both spouses is also split equally...IF you haven't already been served. Maybe you can make that part of the negotiation IF you ever get ahead of her or any leverage.

Get the PI and get proof! Make sure the PI is not a cop or a former cop! If he is, make sure he's bitter about his former profession. Once you have proof, you can drop on them with both feet at work...and now he has to think VERY HARD about his career.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of 'alpha male' in the cop shop and they can't stand losing at all. So things will get interesting.

Leave VARs all over the place in case he gets his friends involved. Get badge numbers. Take pictures. If a cop car tries to get you to pull over, drive straight to a police station or someplace with a visible and obvious camera. This POS is fighting dirty. You need to protect yourself. Banks are great for that. Get a lawyer on retainer. Some civil rights lawyers would LOVE to get a piece of a cop and can teach you how best to defend yourself.

Either sack up or get out. It's that simple.

VAR: voice activated recorder.


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## tom67

JCD said:


> What are five to ten years of your life worth if they railroad you? What do you think your job prospects are if you get stuck with a felony DV charge is worth cashwise?
> 
> Please recall one little tidbit that your lawyer isn't telling you: the DEBT garnered by both spouses is also split equally...IF you haven't already been served. Maybe you can make that part of the negotiation IF you ever get ahead of her or any leverage.
> 
> Get the PI and get proof! Make sure the PI is not a cop or a former cop! If he is, make sure he's bitter about his former profession. Once you have proof, you can drop on them with both feet at work...and now he has to think VERY HARD about his career.
> 
> Unfortunately, there is a lot of 'alpha male' in the cop shop and they can't stand losing at all. So things will get interesting.
> 
> Leave VARs all over the place in case he gets his friends involved. Get badge numbers. Take pictures. If a cop car tries to get you to pull over, drive straight to a police station or someplace with a visible and obvious camera. This POS is fighting dirty. You need to protect yourself. Banks are great for that. Get a lawyer on retainer. Some civil rights lawyers would LOVE to get a piece of a cop and can teach you how best to defend yourself.
> 
> Either sack up or get out. It's that simple.
> 
> VAR: voice activated recorder.


Do it asap!:iagree:


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## Shaggy

1. get and read Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol - ASAP

2. get a shark lawyer, the most aggressive one in town.

3. listen to them. In particular seek 100% custody and accept 50%, see child support from her, and accept giving none.

4. Expose the OM via cheaterviller.com -you want him pissed at her.

the plan here, is that instead of you reacting to her, you get her to react to you.

Once you've got the shark lawyer - offer the following: you'll settle for 50% custody, no spousal support, and you get the house and your pension - and you'll call off the shark. otherwise you'' let the shark loose.


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> 1. get and read Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol - ASAP
> 
> 2. get a shark lawyer, the most aggressive one in town.
> 
> 3. listen to them. In particular seek 100% custody and accept 50%, see child support from her, and accept giving none.
> 
> 4. Expose the OM via cheaterviller.com -you want him pissed at her.
> 
> the plan here, is that instead of you reacting to her, you get her to react to you.
> 
> Once you've got the shark lawyer - offer the following: you'll settle for 50% custody, no spousal support, and you get the house and your pension - and you'll call off the shark. otherwise you'' let the shark loose.


Subpoena the boyfriend and her and have the shark depose them under oath and if he she wants depose others in the dept to see who knew they might just let him go if it get's too hot.


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## Shaggy

tom67 said:


> Subpoena the boyfriend and her and have the shark depose them under oath and if he she wants depose others in the dept to see who knew they might just let him go if it get's too hot.


This! The bf will be pissed that she dragged him into this.


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> This! The bf will be pissed that she dragged him into this.


Maybe someone-I will look- can pm chumplady she really tried to steer carlton in the right direction and her husband does this for a living.


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## tom67

Chump Lady — Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life


----------



## Clawed

okay so obviously time is of the essence here. I've been in possession of the papers for maybe 10 days, but not served. My wife is hoping I'll sign uncontested (I'm guessing that keeps us out of court?). In any case, I'm sure she is getting ancy, and she'll have me served if I don't make a move. With all those suggestions you guys have made, what are the main priorities I should focus on in the next few days?


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## happyman64

Clawed said:


> okay so obviously time is of the essence here. I've been in possession of the papers for maybe 10 days, but not served. My wife is hoping I'll sign uncontested (I'm guessing that keeps us out of court?). In any case, I'm sure she is getting ancy, and she'll have me served if I don't make a move. With all those suggestions you guys have made, what are the main priorities I should focus on in the next few days?


speak to an attorney.


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## Clawed

btw I am supposedly on the hook for child support if I sign. It could be accurate - she makes 4K / year more than me, and she will be paying just over 200 / month for son's health care.


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## Chaparral

Then you should not be paying child support, she isn't planning on you having much if any custody.


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## JCD

If you weren't formally served, reran an attorney and PI now so it's part of family debt. If you can swing it, get her served first. Talk to that attorney and show him your financials and tell him about the cop and the DV complaint. GET AN AGGRESSIVE ATTORNEY because buddy...you are...passive about this. It might be helpful if the attorney did criminal law of some sort to deal with LEO chicanery. 

Have THEM served at work the same day for depositions. Make sure to depose the cops partner if he has one. Do not go cheap on the lawyer. 

Is there NO truth to the DV complaint? You need to be scrupulously honest to the attorney.

And see him now. Go to superlawyers dot com for recommendations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

I hope you realize, its part of this cops game to show your wife how much more of a man he is than you. He is trying to make you look like a weak fool by taking everything you have. They think you will just roll over. Up until now that is what you have done. Think of this as fighting for you and your sons life.

If you don't get on the stick, your son will be calling him dad.


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## Chaparral

Do not let any attorney advise you to play nice, many of them do, many of them are lazy.


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## PreRaphaelite

JCD said:


> If you weren't formally served, reran an attorney and PI now so it's part of family debt. If you can swing it, get her served first. Talk to that attorney and show him your financials and tell him about the cop and the DV complaint. GET AN AGGRESSIVE ATTORNEY because buddy...you are...passive about this. It might be helpful if the attorney did criminal law of some sort to deal with LEO chicanery.
> 
> Have THEM served at work the same day for depositions. Make sure to depose the cops partner if he has one. Do not go cheap on the lawyer.
> 
> Is there NO truth to the DV complaint? You need to be scrupulously honest to the attorney.
> 
> And see him now. Go to superlawyers dot com for recommendations.
> 
> 
> You should know what to do from here OP. Quit being passive. YOu have to show both your wife and her lover that you are not going to let them walk all over you. But you have to do that starting first thing Monday morning.
> 
> You need a good, sensible lawyer on this one.
> 
> And if your wife wants to "talk" to you about it, you have to be very firm. Tell her that your lawyer will be in touch. Don't talk to her yourself.
> 
> Also Chaparral's post is probably right. This is the cop showing your wife how much bigger and better his manhood is than yours.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> okay so obviously time is of the essence here. I've been in possession of the papers for maybe 10 days, but not served. My wife is hoping I'll sign uncontested (I'm guessing that keeps us out of court?). In any case, I'm sure she is getting ancy, and she'll have me served if I don't make a move. With all those suggestions you guys have made, what are the main priorities I should focus on in the next few days?


Lawyer first. 

The three things you talk about first are the DV claim, that she works for the PD as a secretary and her affair partner is a cop. After the discussion with the lawyer, minus the DV Bull, if it looks really good you might negotiate.

Serve them first, it is an Ego Boost. In the grand scheme, first isn't necessarily a huge thing legally. Psychologically, it is HUGE to the partner coming in second. You have had this for 10 days, in their eyes you are weak. They think you will capitulate because you are scared and want her back. Serve them BOTH at work and that changes everything.


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## JCD

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Lawyer first.
> 
> The three things you talk about first are the DV claim, that she works for the PD as a secretary and her affair partner is a cop. After the discussion with the lawyer, minus the DV Bull, if it looks really good you might negotiate.
> 
> Serve them first, it is an Ego Boost. In the grand scheme, first isn't necessarily a huge thing legally. Psychologically, it is HUGE to the partner coming in second. You have had this for 10 days, in their eyes you are weak. They think you will capitulate because you are scared and want her back. Serve them BOTH at work and that changes everything.


If you REALLY want to set him back on his pins, depose his wife as well.

"Were you aware of the relationship between your husband and the plaintiff's wife?"

"How often has your husband visited this woman in her apartment?"

"Are you in an open marriage?"

"How much overtime does your husband claim to work? Can you provide pay records?"

This is a nasty thing to do to a person out of the blue...but I would love to be the fly on the wall when she got home with him...


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## Chaparral

JCD said:


> If you REALLY want to set him back on his pins, depose his wife as well.
> 
> "Were you aware of the relationship between your husband and the plaintiff's wife?"
> 
> "How often has your husband visited this woman in her apartment?"
> 
> "Are you in an open marriage?"
> 
> "How much overtime does your husband claim to work? Can you provide pay records?"
> 
> This is a nasty thing to do to a person out of the blue...but I would love to be the fly on the wall when she got home with him...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is insidious, it would be great to have them all lined up to take turns getting deposed. You reap what you sow.


----------



## Clawed

Yeah, I am passive. Look, I don't know how to be an @- hole like she is. My meds don't help. They have turned me into this totally mellow marshmallow man who has about as much emotional capacity as a robot. I was suicidal a little while after I found out about the infidelity because after a month and a half of us having conversations where she would give me more and more info about what happened, she dropped the bomb that she still had feelings for him. I went off the deep end and committed myself the next morning. That's when she saw her opportunity to leave. She caused me unfathomable amounts of pain...

In terms of DV - never happened at all, which is why this has me scared. I am talking physical violence though, whereas emotional stuff is a different story. I had outbursts of anger and we did fight, though very infrequently (every 6-9 months or so?) . We called each other names, a few got pretty nasty. We always seemed to come away from things much stronger. The good times between us were amazing. We really had so much in common it's crazy! I love the girl. She never gave me a reason not to until the affair.

I'll do what I have to do now. Am I terrified to do it? Absolutely. Do I now see it as a necessity? After getting beat up emotionally here - I can safely say yes. I have an appointment with an attorney tommorow and I have the divorce papers ready along with the child support worksheet. I'm going to make some detailed notes for myself, especially about what has been discussed here. I have to see my wife in a couple of hours as she is picking up my son.

Divorce is ugly. I am hating my life right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hardtohandle

Clawed said:


> To be fair, I have nothing against LEOs in terms of the fact that I respect the job itself. However there are many who give the title a bad name. I've heard that the stress factor plays a big part in that. It doesn't matter, the fact remains that my stbxw messed around with another married man, thereby potentially destroying 4 lives outside of their own (both families have a kid). That is despicable by any standard. My wife denies anything else has occurred but she is far from credible at this point. I know that it's easy to say "What's the difference now?" but I feel I deserve to know the whole truth after what I've been through. I've already taken many steps toward healing, including coming to TAM. The infidelity is as hard to cope with as the divorce itself, though, and to this day, I don't have answers for either one. My wife has given me next to nothing about why either have occurred. That's incredibly hard for someone who really believes in the marriage commitment, and who would have done anything to make things work.



Being in L.E. for almost 24 years now and working a large city on the east coast there is NO EXCUSE.. I have NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ( is that enough never's ) cheated on my STBXW.. Trust me I have had more then my share of chances and straight out requests. 

There is this thing called morality. It sort of like god ( which I don't really believe in ), but nonetheless you can't see it, touch it or feel it. It is something inside you that either you have and accept or toss aside. 

It seems your wife and this POSOM decided not to have any.. 

As far as reporting him, unless you have some proof that he is doing something while on duty with your wife all your doing is making more waves for no reason. It could just backfire on you is all I am saying..

BUT if you have some proof that he is or was doing something while he should be working by all means call Internal Affairs on him and let them know. They will follow him and he will get jammed up or arrested for stealing department time.

But all of that is really useless to you.. 

What your having issues with is letting go. Trust me read my thread in my signature and you will see I had issues letting go as well. In many ways I still do, but the communication is extremely minimal with my wife now.. 

But letting go is hard. I know your thinking this guy with his cop job took her away. He can out macho you with all the cool stuff she sees him do.. 

Well conversely my wife left me for a man 10 years older then me, a foot shorter then me and has NOTHING.. My wife makes more money then he does thanks to me putting her through college. Heck my wife almost makes as much as me..

So Imagine how the fvck I feel. I've been faithful through all my wife's indiscretions or attempted indiscretions. For 19 years I loved and worked to fix my marriage.. Where did that get me ? The hard reality is I have 2 boys that she pretty much abandoned and I have to try to erase 19 years of my life out of my mind..

There is absolutely no clear or simple answer here to help you let go of her and move on. I will tell you straight out getting laid will help you. 

Oddly enough I feel a bit bad for you because in your 30s I don't know how open it is meeting women. I know in my 40s its pretty much your getting laid or not.. There is no guessing.. You know pretty much off the bat if your scoring or striking out.

Nonetheless don't try to figure out if she is seeing someone.. Its hard and easier said then done, but I went through it. 

For me it was easier because she moved out and right in with this other man. So you can imagine what I was thinking they were doing every night while my kids where here living with me. How much fun they had on the weekends that they could go out and come home at any time they wanted because the boys were here with me. 

Go to therapy, if you have friends talk to them. I was fortunate to have many friends at work and off work to look out for me. My mother at 80 years old was even very helpful. My dad left when I was 12 never to come back. My brother who is home with her went through the same thing as me so he was helpful as well. 

I don't hide about my life from anyone.. I will tell anyone who wants to listen. Sometimes you find the best advice from strangers. 

For me it took 7 months to move on. I'm not all fixed or alright but I am functioning and much more rational. I stopped crying about her. 

My biggest issue was dating someone and still living my old life.. I was leading a double life. Part of me wanted my wife back even though I knew she wasn't coming back and the other was trying to date this woman and be normal. 

Eventually something snapped in me and I was able to let go. 

You need to move on even when you don't want to and just move on until you finally get that feeling in you.. 

You will know you have moved on when someone tells you what will happen if she comes back to you and you respond *"What about me ? When does it matter what I want ?"* 

That came out of my mouth when the girlfriend asked me.. You will have defining moments during all of this. You will remember the day and the time when things just click in for you.. When you get over some hurdle in this nightmare. 

Just keep posting and keep talking.. Let your trusted friends and family be your voice, mind and opinion when you can't.. I know I couldn't think straight for a while. Trust your family and friends, sometimes it doesn't make sense to you because of where your head is at. But later on it does.. 

Good luck.. Keep posting..


----------



## weightlifter

Ill get you ky standard var stuff tonight or tomorrow.
Let me tell you a little story. Yea im still marrie an d mine "only" had an EA withnan ex but...

My wife went nuke fit all over me at work one day. Some of my coworkers saw it. One an elderly female tells me that was uncalled for. If i ever divorce she sees me in a nice 35 year old. I was floored.

Im like not sure how well id do. She tells me you are kidding right. That last 40 ish year old customer of yours was openly flirting with you. I had no clue until she showed me the signs. Now i see it all the time. I never flirt back, vows and all, but yea, i love the ego stroke.

Now i get nothing from the twenty somethings but from 35 to 45 i get it alot. Work out. Walk with a little swagger shoulders squared. Learn the signs. Head to meetup.com and get in some mixed sex groups. 

The balance of power shifts from female to male right around your age.

Ugh i hate typing on ipad. Head to meetup.com. Get invited to house parties.


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## Chaparral

Every thing HTH said is true. But.........right this moment you have to circle the wagons and protect yourself or they are going to r*pe you.


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## Clawed

Chaparral said:


> I hope you realize, its part of this cops game to show your wife how much more of a man he is than you.
> 
> If you don't get on the stick, your son will be calling him dad.


With all due respect, I think this is BS. First off, cop has no idea what it means to be a man. He cheats on his wife with a marred woman, and he has a 1 year old daughter. If my wife thinks those are 'manly' qualities, then they deserve each other. I already put him is his place after I told his wife btw.

And calling him dad? Yeah, do you think a relationship built on infidelity from both sides will last? Highly unlikely. Besides, I'm a much better dad than he could ever hope to be and I'm 100% confident in that. I've been a better parent than my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Meanwhile she and her family simply try to buy his happiness, but sweep all of this under the rug. They just stick him in front of the tv or video games while I spend the quality time with him I wish my old man would have done with me. I understand the effects this has on a 7 year old. You know why? I was 7 when my parents got divorced...


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## Chaparral

Try to reread that unemotionally , you are not the only one that has been in this situation. There is a reason she has claimed you have abused herbif you haven't. The odds she came up with yhat on her own are slim. Someone is coaching her. Who but the om would be that deceitful? We know what he is. Do you think its impossible they are trying to take your son away from you? He is a snake, look what he has alrady done. There is a good chance hhis wife will dump him. About 50/50. He will try to keep your wife if he gets dumped.

If that happens they have a 10% chance of lasting 3 yrs, if they last that long they have a 10% chance of a long term realtionship. It eventually works out that they have a 2 or 3% chance og going long term.

In short, watch your back, mthey are up to something. If not you still will be on top of things.


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## LostViking

That's a great attitude to have. Keep telling yourself all these things as you move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Btw, he has lied his ass off to his wife, she wants to believe him and save her family. He wants his cake and eat it too. Only depend on yourself and your gut.


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## Clawed

Chaparral said:


> Try to reread that unemotionally , you are not the only one that has been in this situation. There is a reason she has claimed you have abused herbif you haven't. The odds she came up with yhat on her own are slim. Someone is coaching her. Who but the om would be that deceitful? We know what he is. Do you think its impossible they are trying to take your son away from you? He is a snake, look what he has alrady done. There is a good chance hhis wife will dump him. About 50/50. He will try to keep your wife if he gets dumped.
> 
> If that happens they have a 10% chance of lasting 3 yrs, if they last that long they have a 10% chance of a long term realtionship. It eventually works out that they have a 2 or 3% chance og going long term.
> 
> In short, watch your back, mthey are up to something. If not you still will be on top of things.


I am very open to everything that's been said here. You are 100% right - my wife is definitely up to something. I can tell she wants to stay the hell out of court. She wants to come away from this without having to face everything she's done. That is what I know as fact because that is the kind of person she's always been. She does not accept blame, she didn't through our entire marriage. Meanwhile, I own my mistakes and always went out of my way to make amends. Personally, I believe her dad is behind this. He always preached to me about every little damn thing and you could not refute anything he ever said. He pretended to like me but I always felt uncomfortable around him like he was judging me.


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## 3putt

Clawed said:


> *I am very open to everything that's been said here. You are 100% right - my wife is definitely up to something. I can tell she wants to stay the hell out of court. She wants to come away from this without having to face everything she's done. That is what I know as fact because that is the kind of person she's always been. She does not accept blame, she didn't through our entire marriage. Meanwhile, I own my mistakes and always went out of my way to make amends. Personally, I believe her dad is behind this. He always preached to me about every little damn thing and you could not refute anything he ever said. He pretended to like me but I always felt uncomfortable around him like he was judging me.*


You do realize, of course, that you just acknowledged that all the advice you've received so far as exposure is concerned is spot on........right? 

Think about it brother. 

Get to work. Man up. You CAN do it!

Seriously.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> With all due respect, I think this is BS. First off, cop has no idea what it means to be a man. He cheats on his wife with a marred woman, and he has a 1 year old daughter. If my wife thinks those are 'manly' qualities, then they deserve each other. I already put him is his place after I told his wife btw.
> 
> And calling him dad? Yeah, do you think a relationship built on infidelity from both sides will last? Highly unlikely. Besides, I'm a much better dad than he could ever hope to be and I'm 100% confident in that. I've been a better parent than my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Meanwhile she and her family simply try to buy his happiness, but sweep all of this under the rug. They just stick him in front of the tv or video games while I spend the quality time with him I wish my old man would have done with me. I understand the effects this has on a 7 year old. You know why? I was 7 when my parents got divorced...


LOL. See, now you need to turn this aggressiveness towards your wife and the divorce.


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## Clawed

"as exposure is concerned" I'm sorry, I lost you there. 

Another tidbit maybe not even worth mentioning is at least we already divided assets. That was the easy part. She also made a schdule for our split custody which works perfectly with our schedules. She has said from the beginning she would never keep my son from me, but like I said already, she is not credible. 

The DV thing is the issue I'm ultimately most concerned about. That's huge though, and I take that very seriously.

So tonight, I need to go through all of these posts and jot some things down to talk about at my consultation. I probably should find another good attorney after doing some research so I get a good feel about who will be best for me.


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## phillybeffandswiss

During divorce, don't believe ANYTHING until the ink is dry and it is final. I've seen to many men go through the "she said this..." and when you do something they don't like, the child becomes the bargaining chip.

I'll send you a link in a PM.


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## 6301

Wanna know why she doesn't want this to go to court? Simple. She's going to have to raise her right hand and TELL THE TRUTH! Making a false accusation like domestic violence under oath will put her ass in a sling big time. 

When I was going through the divorce with my first wife, I picked my daughter up from her house and my STBXW made a comment asking me where my daughter sleeps. I said in my bed. She then said with a snotty attitude "And where do you sleep". Well I told her to put her snide remarks up her fat ass and left with my kid.
Month later were at the court house going over the property division and her attorney was getting nowhere with me because I had my ducks in row and was prepared, and he was a nasty lawyer who only represented women and he made a remark that my daughter was sleeping in my bed and the way he said was to imply that I was molesting her. Now were on the third floor in the courthouse and when he said that my lawyer went ballistic and he said it again and by that time I didn't give a rats ass anymore. The nice guy left the room and UGLY MAN appeared. Next thing I remember is coming across the table, grabbing a handful of his neck tie, yanking him over the table and dragging him to a window three floors up. The man who was hearing the case plus two women pulled me off him as I was trying my best to push him out the window and then he starts screaming that I assaulted him and to my surprise, one woman said to him that if it was her she would have completed the job. Now I was in trouble but my STBXW was the one that cooled him down and she apologized to everyone because she told the BS story to her lawyer DON'T DO WHAT I DID PLEASE PLEASE! Although a sheriff's deputy followed me to my truck and watched me drive off, he did tell me that it wasn't the first time someone went after that lawyer. That's not how you do it. Find a lawyer that will hit this situation of DV hard and keep pounding away at her with it and chances are when she see's that she opened a huge can of worms, chances are she'll recant her story before it goes to court. Take it serious because it's a hard thing for a man to be labeled a wife beater. Even if you not. And when the divorce is over, the only contact you will want with her is when you get your kid. She's not worth the salt of your tears if she going the route.


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## tom67

6301 said:


> Wanna know why she doesn't want this to go to court? Simple. She's going to have to raise her right hand and TELL THE TRUTH! Making a false accusation like domestic violence under oath will put her ass in a sling big time.
> 
> When I was going through the divorce with my first wife, I picked my daughter up from her house and my STBXW made a comment asking me where my daughter sleeps. I said in my bed. She then said with a snotty attitude "And where do you sleep". Well I told her to put her snide remarks up her fat ass and left with my kid.
> Month later were at the court house going over the property division and her attorney was getting nowhere with me because I had my ducks in row and was prepared, and he was a nasty lawyer who only represented women and he made a remark that my daughter was sleeping in my bed and the way he said was to imply that I was molesting her. Now were on the third floor in the courthouse and when he said that my lawyer went ballistic and he said it again and by that time I didn't give a rats ass anymore. The nice guy left the room and UGLY MAN appeared. Next thing I remember is coming across the table, grabbing a handful of his neck tie, yanking him over the table and dragging him to a window three floors up. The man who was hearing the case plus two women pulled me off him as I was trying my best to push him out the window and then he starts screaming that I assaulted him and to my surprise, one woman said to him that if it was her she would have completed the job. Now I was in trouble but my STBXW was the one that cooled him down and she apologized to everyone because she told the BS story to her lawyer DON'T DO WHAT I DID PLEASE PLEASE! Although a sheriff's deputy followed me to my truck and watched me drive off, he did tell me that it wasn't the first time someone went after that lawyer. That's not how you do it. Find a lawyer that will hit this situation of DV hard and keep pounding away at her with it and chances are when she see's that she opened a huge can of worms, chances are she'll recant her story before it goes to court. Take it serious because it's a hard thing for a man to be labeled a wife beater. Even if you not. And when the divorce is over, the only contact you will want with her is when you get your kid. She's not worth the salt of your tears if she going the route.


:iagree::iagree::lol:


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## Shaggy

You say your meds make you too mellow to be abressive like her - that's why you hire the aggressive lawyer, to do it for you.

Goals:

1. Hire the aggressive lawyer
2. Drag the OM right smack into the middle of it all. You want to nuke him to his wife, so drag her in too. Make sure you report that you fear harassment and blow back from the cops to your lawyer, and be prepared to document any interaction you have.

If you are aggressive they will stay away from you because they won't want to get dragged into it. Your wife is nothing but a cheat piece of a$$ to this guy right now, what want to do is to make her a painful costly and public ally humiliating piece of a$$ to be with. That will get her dumped ASAP by the guy to save himself.


Do not go along with anything she suggests - she's being guided by someone who has done this before - she's isolated you, given you terms and a few hollow promises.

Sign nothing until your attorney has read it and given you the green light.


----------



## somethingnewmaybe

Clawed said:


> She is so concerned about her reputation as a good girl, especially to her family. She even dropped FB during all of this which is very telling. She is very self righteous and judgemental so I think the biggest threat to her is that her friends, family and coworkers know the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine did the same thing but denied an affair. Just cited that she needed a "break". What a joke.


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## Dyokemm

Do not sign or agree to ANYTHING that has a claim of you committing domestic violence on it. That would amount to an admission in any future custody or legal issue with your screwed up STBxW.

If you have concrete evidence of her affair, put down infidelity for the reason on your response. It won't make a difference in the divorce proceedings, but if she wants to try and label you an abuser, label her a cheat.

She has zero evidence for her claim, you will have plenty for yours. Hers will be removed, yours will remain.

And remind her that one day, you S will grow up and will see what's on the paperwork and will know she blew his life up because she couldn't keep her legs closed to a complete POS who cheated on his own W and child.


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## Blacksmith01

somethingnewmaybe said:


> Mine did the same thing but denied an affair. Just cited that she needed a "break". What a joke.


Same here. On D-day my mother posted on her timeline and busted her out in front of her family and all her friends/co-workers. Two months later she is back on. Now that she has made me out to be the bad guy to them.


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## Ovid

Get the exact same papers drawn up without DV and send them back. Make the divorce easy on yourself.

Hit the weights big time, and cut all sugar and breads out of your diet.

You'll soon be fit and single. Your WWs dating value will only go down with time. Yours will only go up.


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## NatureDave

I am not sure you understand the whole divorce process, so let me tell you how it usually works.

Most states prefer a split-custody solution and somewhere close to 50/50 is what you will end up with unless there are some extraordinary circumstances. For instance, if your wife was the primary care giver and did everything for the kids, then she might have an argument for a greater share if you did absolutely nothing at all. Otherwise, one of you would have to be a crack addict, felon or documented child abuser to have custody taken away from you. So get your documentation in order and show where you do your share to take care of the kids and plan on 50/50 being the best you will get.

Secondly, most states promote equal division of all marital assets and debts (assets and debts acquired since you got married). Assets include the equity in your house, vehicles, savings or investments, retirement). Debts include mortgage, car debt, credit cards, home equity loans, event student loans that were borrowed after the marriage. In other words, the two of you can come to some agreement on HOW to split things, but the court will make sure that when the debts and assets are divided, the net value is equal between the two of you.

It doesn't really matter who "files" first. A petition for divorce is issued by the initiator, then the other responds with a counter-petition. In these petitions, you can ask for whatever you want - just know that it is not necessarily going to fly when it comes to the final settlement. 

After the petitions are filed, each of you will be asked to complete a financial affidavit where you disclose all marital and personal assets and debts. You have to be truthful on these, so there are no "secrets" at this point.

The next step is usually mediation. Mediation is encouraged, and one mediation session is actually required in my state before you can go to court. Mediation does not necessarily mean rolling over and you don't have to go to court to get a favorable settlement. If the two of you can agree to the main points of custody and division of assets and debts, then you get to control the outcome. Go before a judge in court and these decisions can be out of your hands. 

Mediation can be done with or without lawyers. In my case, both my exwife and me had someone representing us. A friend had no lawyers, just a mediator. The mediators are usually very experienced with family law and know the preferences of the court and will advise both of you on what will or will not fly in court. 

Now to alimony and child support. If both of you work full-time, then alimony on either side is very unlikely.

As far as child support, the state divorce laws have a formula based on the custody split and each parents income. If your wife is paying health insurance, then that would be added to her side. From what you say, if she makes only $4K more than you plus $200 per month spent on health care, then you would likely have to pay her roughly half the cost of health care per month.

I personally think it is foolish to try to navigate all of this without a lawyer, but it can be done. The DV box in her petition is troubling and you will want advice on that.

Otherwise, do not agree to anything without having a lawyer look at it first.


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## Clawed

Thank you for all of that info., NatureDave. I took a look at the Child Support Worksheet and although I don't know how they arrive at the total responsibility % for each of us in terms of support, it seems about right. Personally, I think it would be more fair if it was calculated based on income - For instance if she makes 4,000 more than I do a year, it would make sense to take that number and adjust for the 100$ per month I would owe her in healthcare. Because, really, I'm being penalized for him not being on my healthcare plan. I have to still pay nearly $100/month. That being said, it's a drop in the bucket and I would do anything I had to for my son. I just hate that all of her terrible choices have had no negative impact to her. She nearly kills me with her unfaithfulness, leaves for good, and I still pay her child support. She is happy I'm gone and she thinks our son will be just fine, or even better than if we stayed together. I come from a broken home and she does not... I can tell you that it's not easy, he probably will have a hard time with this at some point. I can see it already, and it pains me greatly.

Is it bad that I just want to see her crash and burn?


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Clawed said:


> Thank you for all of that info., NatureDave. I took a look at the Child Support Worksheet and although I don't know how they arrive at the total responsibility % for each of us in terms of support, it seems about right. Personally, I think it would be more fair if it was calculated based on income - For instance if she makes 4,000 more than I do a year, it would make sense to take that number and adjust for the 100$ per month I would owe her in healthcare. Because, really, I'm being penalized for him not being on my healthcare plan. I have to still pay nearly $100/month. That being said, it's a drop in the bucket and I would do anything I had to for my son. I just hate that all of her terrible choices have had no negative impact to her. She nearly kills me with her unfaithfulness, leaves for good, and I still pay her child support. She is happy I'm gone and she thinks our son will be just fine, or even better than if we stayed together. I come from a broken home and she does not... I can tell you that it's not easy, he probably will have a hard time with this at some point. I can see it already, and it pains me greatly.
> 
> Is it bad that I just want to see her crash and burn?


Nope, I think you're finally getting angry. Your wife is a POS and deserves your anger. Put it to work, wisely.


----------



## Clawed

PreRaphaelite said:


> Nope, I think you're finally getting angry. Your wife is a POS and deserves your anger. Put it to work, wisely.


Every time I see her or talk to her, I get more angry. She picked up our son from my new place yesterday. Lately, she will lead in with a question or comment to make it seem like she gives a damn, and then go on to state what she ACTUALLY wants to talk to me about.

Plus, she gives me a suitcase with clothes in it for our son for the school week, and she has a bag of clothes individually labelled for each day of school. Yet, I am the one who took my son to school every single morning when we were together, and I somehow managed to get him nicely dressed each morning. It's like this person has no idea who I am. I certainly don't know who she is... :scratchhead: Maybe I'll throw her for a loop and give him his Thursday clothes on Wednesday. Yikes...


----------



## Ovid

Clawed said:


> Every time I see her or talk to her, I get more angry. She picked up our son from my new place yesterday. Lately, she will lead in with a question or comment to make it seem like she gives a damn, and then go on to state what she ACTUALLY wants to talk to me about.
> 
> Plus, she gives me a suitcase with clothes in it for our son for the school week, and she has a bag of clothes individually labelled for each day of school. Yet, I am the one who took my son to school every single morning when we were together, and I somehow managed to get him nicely dressed each morning. It's like this person has no idea who I am. I certainly don't know who she is... :scratchhead: Maybe I'll throw her for a loop and give him his Thursday clothes on Wednesday. Yikes...


She gave you a mental downgrade to help justify the A to herself. It's part of the history rewrite.


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## Clawed

Ovid said:


> She gave you a mental downgrade to help justify the A to herself. It's part of the history rewrite.


History rewrite? I am not yet familiar with that term, but as soon as you said that, something clicked. My STBX, after leaving me, states that everything had been a lie. All of the nice things she said to me since the affair. All of the times she promised we would get through this, and that she would be forever in love with only me - everything she said just to appease me in those moments. It's as if she is looking back and making excuses for herself in order to feel *exactly as you said* justified for her actions. I'm probably stating the obvious, but I didn't really think about that as being common. I just assumed she flipped her lid. Since she left, I honestly kept thinking to myself "Who the heck is this woman? She is certifiably insane!"


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## doubletrouble

You're getting good advice from the pages I have read. Stay the course with the dogged attorney. 

I've been messed with my a cop neighbor before, and the brotherhood is alive and well in our county. That said, I don't want to lump them all into one bad boy group of haters. But they do have tools at their disposal and they know how to lie, if that's their bent. And they also know WHO to lie to. 

Tread carefully and let your atty carry the big stick.


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## Horizon

Dear Clawed, 

Ovid is spot on. It is the nature of people to re-write history, not just after the event but during.

Some time ago I noted that my WS had, for years, bent the truth when telling anyone about some event in our family. For example if she was on the phone to her Father she would tell him that something which had been my idea was her idea. I wouldn't get a look in. 

She wasn't doing this consciously IMO, it was learned behavior from way back but it's end result was to lessen my status or participation - reduce my significance and raise her own status. 

But more than that, the history re-write will be when the ex tells her side of the story. Every blemish, imagined or real will be amped up. By extension any wayward behavior will be justified in her mind and whoever is listening. The brain dead and blindly loyal will buy it.


----------



## somethingnewmaybe

^
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Poems - If--


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> History rewrite? I am not yet familiar with that term, but as soon as you said that, something clicked. My STBX, after leaving me, states that everything had been a lie. All of the nice things she said to me since the affair. All of the times she promised we would get through this, and that she would be forever in love with only me - everything she said just to appease me in those moments. It's as if she is looking back and making excuses for herself in order to feel *exactly as you said* justified for her actions. I'm probably stating the obvious, but I didn't really think about that as being common. I just assumed she flipped her lid. Since she left, I honestly kept thinking to myself "Who the heck is this woman? She is certifiably insane!"


Yep. Every good memory is bad. Every bad memory is worse. It's funny, in a sad way, all men are controlling when the woman has an affair. All women are sexless, when the man cheats. I mean it is like clockwork with the history rewrites.

I can't think of the poster, but this dude did EVERYTHING I hear quite a few women claim they love. He cooked, cleaned, was great with the kids, listened to her needs, made great money, didn't care about her Girl's Night Outs and was building another house. As a man, we've all head that this is the perfect husband. Man the rewrite that he would talk about was ridiculous. He was a bad communicator, he smothered her, he was to controlling, didn't meet her needs, was trying to buy her love blah blah blah blah blah......

You'll be the meanest, most jealous, controlling and abusive husband ever. Execpt to your face of course.


----------



## Clawed

Man, I treated my wife so well. I seriously loved her with all my heart and I tried to show that with every decision I made. But of course all of that was turned around on me. I was too needy. She was overwhelmed by the pressure this put on her to make me happy. That's just it. ANY positive trait can be spun the opposite way to sound negative. It all comes down to justification.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> Man, I treated my wife so well. I seriously loved her with all my heart and I tried to show that with every decision I made. But of course all of that was turned around on me. I was too needy. She was overwhelmed by the pressure this put on her to make me happy. That's just it. ANY positive trait can be spun the opposite way to sound negative. It all comes down to justification.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, you understand the history rewrite. You just can't process it because it is illogical.


----------



## Ovid

If you want to be with her all the time you're needy. If you give her space you made her feel unwanted. If you give her space but want to know what she's doing you're controlling.

These things are seen in a posative light when you are close, but when the emotional connection is being filled by someone else they're a negative. 

No one wants to be the bad guy, so they must make you the bad guy to justify what they were doing.


The truth is you were boring. Don't get me wrong. I'm not creating a new excuse for the WS. We're all boring compared to a new love interest. Those butterflies in the belly. Guessing where things will go next. With an AP you get all the new love stuff, and the thrill of sneaking around. On top of that it's all a fantasy. You don't have bills to pay, or recent memories of them on the toilet. You cant compete with unicorns, and cotton candy clouds, so don't try. The nicer you are the harder she will have to work at demonizing you. The best thing you can do is distance yourself and push ahead with D weather you want it or not.


----------



## weightlifter

Ovid said:


> If you want to be with her all the time you're needy. If you give her space you made her feel unwanted. If you give her space but want to know what she's doing you're controlling.


LOL I can Id with that one.

If I simplify what I say Im patronizing.
If I dont Im trying to make her feel dumb.

Uh. If she is a cheater there is no such thing as controlling if it is one of the conditions she must meet for R.


----------



## Clawed

Well, I saw an attorney on Monday. I went in so that he would review the divorce papers my wife had prepared. He definitely wants the opportunity to prepare response paperwork. There were a few concerns he had, the biggest is obviously that the domestic violence box was checked - obviously, this was my main concern as well. During the consultation I asked if I should talk about the potential changes with my wife and he said yes. I went to pick up my son yesterday from her house and I said we need to talk about the papers. She got mean and demanded to know why. I told her I could not understand why she would lie in a public document if it was not true. She got defensive and told me she was told to do exactly that and it was because I had thrown things during arguments. She then went on to say that she still wanted split custody so why was it even an issue. She also said that it was during a consultation of her own that she was coached to do so... now, that is where I don't believe her. She told me a while ago that she had one, but then switched gears and said that it was just a paralegal that prepared the documnets for her. She had to tell me, because she wants me to sign uncontested.

Yeah, that's not going to happen. I said I would sign if that was stricken from the record and if I could have a second set of eyes review the child support worksheet. I honestly think she is going to keep it as is. At that point, I think it will get pretty nasty. Now, I don't have any proof at all that she is still seeing someone. Should I even pursue that or wait to see her response and then pursue it. In the meantime, should I have her served instead since she never had me officially served? It's a control thing, right? I'm sure it would mess with her head since she still thinks I would do anything to save the marriage, but right now, I just want to be done with her.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Ovid said:


> If you want to be with her all the time you're needy. If you give her space you made her feel unwanted. If you give her space but want to know what she's doing you're controlling.
> 
> These things are seen in a posative light when you are close, but when the emotional connection is being filled by someone else they're a negative.
> 
> No one wants to be the bad guy, so they must make you the bad guy to justify what they were doing.
> 
> 
> The truth is you were boring. Don't get me wrong. I'm not creating a new excuse for the WS. We're all boring compared to a new love interest. Those butterflies in the belly. Guessing where things will go next. With an AP you get all the new love stuff, and the thrill of sneaking around. On top of that it's all a fantasy. You don't have bills to pay, or recent memories of them on the toilet. You cant compete with unicorns, and cotton candy clouds, so don't try. The nicer you are the harder she will have to work at demonizing you. The best thing you can do is distance yourself and push ahead with D weather you want it or not.


:iagree:

Ovid gets the nod for post of the week. 

This is it in most cases, IMHO. 

History re-writes and unsuspecting believers often make it appear that the betrayed are to blame. 

I would not have known this, until it happened to me.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Clawed said:


> In the meantime, should I have her served instead since she never had me officially served? It's a control thing, right? I'm sure it would mess with her head since she still thinks I would do anything to save the marriage, but right now, I just want to be done with her.


I am not good at legal advice. Hope your attorney is.

Why does she think you would do anything to save the marriage? Maybe that is part of her issue. Maybe she still want to call the shots while she feels she is in control. Just guessing.

My exWW sorta played that game too. She really wanted to make sure she was in control as the D process started. She was still using head games to get me back, and back at me. It was a strange game of "I hate you, don't leave me." I have suspected her personality is in the BPD realm. That is a whole other topic...

She was hot and cold until I let her know I was moving on to dating other women. Looking back on it, maybe it was my way of letting my actions speak for me.

I haven't been closely following your thread. Hopefully you are finally at a point where you are sure that the D is the best path. If you are, I would try to make sure that she knows you are 100% done. Avoid unneccesary communications or contact with her. Let the fire smolder out. It helped me heal when I finally let her go.


----------



## Clawed

Lovemytruck said:


> I am not good at legal advice. Hope your attorney is.
> 
> Why does she think you would do anything to save the marriage? Maybe that is part of her issue. Maybe she still want to call the shots while she feels she is in control. Just guessing.
> 
> My exWW sorta played that game too. She really wanted to make sure she was in control as the D process started. She was still using head games to get me back, and back at me. It was a strange game of "I hate you, don't leave me." I have suspected her personality is in the BPD realm. That is a whole other topic...
> 
> She was hot and cold until I let her know I was moving on to dating other women. Looking back on it, maybe it was my way of letting my actions speak for me.
> 
> I haven't been closely following your thread. Hopefully you are finally at a point where you are sure that the D is the best path. If you are, I would try to make sure that she knows you are 100% done. Avoid unneccesary communications or contact with her. Let the fire smolder out. It helped me heal when I finally let her go.


She knows how much I love her, it just has taken me a while to see that I'm not in love with her, but that I love the girl I used to know - she is far gone.

* * * I just received a text from my wife while I am typing this, that states: *"Hey. If I have him modify it [the divorce papers] to stipulate no physical abuse, are you willing to go down and sign?" ** * *

That was my biggest fear, but if she is willing to drop that, should I do it? Like I said, she is damn scared to fight me, because she knows she has a lot to hide. This would save us both a ton of money. I just can't believe she backed down so quickly. I showed up at her house Monday and said that I would not sign it as is and she was pretty pissed.


----------



## tom67

Clawed said:


> She knows how much I love her, it just has taken me a while to see that I'm not in love with her, but that I love the girl I used to know - she is far gone.
> 
> * * * I just received a text from my wife while I am typing this, that states: *"Hey. If I have him modify it [the divorce papers] to stipulate no physical abuse, are you willing to go down and sign?" ** * *
> 
> That was my biggest fear, but if she is willing to drop that, should I do it? Like I said, she is damn scared to fight me, because she knows she has a lot to hide. This would save us both a ton of money. I just can't believe she backed down so quickly. I showed up at her house Monday and said that I would not sign it as is and she was pretty pissed.


If it's a no fault state and she takes that out and doesn't put anything else in then go for it but have your atty look at it


----------



## Nucking Futs

Clawed said:


> She knows how much I love her, it just has taken me a while to see that I'm not in love with her, but that I love the girl I used to know - she is far gone.
> 
> * * * I just received a text from my wife while I am typing this, that states: *"Hey. If I have him modify it [the divorce papers] to stipulate no physical abuse, are you willing to go down and sign?" ** * *
> 
> That was my biggest fear, but if she is willing to drop that, should I do it? Like I said, she is damn scared to fight me, because she knows she has a lot to hide. This would save us both a ton of money. I just can't believe she backed down so quickly. I showed up at her house Monday and said that I would not sign it as is and she was pretty pissed.


Your response should be "Go ahead and have your lawyer modify it and send it to my lawyer for review." Don't even think of signing it until your lawyer has looked it over and the calculations she used for support. If I'm not mixing up threads she makes more than you so you should qualify for alimony, that may be why she's rushing you to sign.


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## Dyokemm

I'd bet money its either POS or her toxic dad who are coaching her, and they told her to just drop that since you did not raise any other objections and get this over as fast as possible so her dirt can stay hidden.

Have your lawyer review it and then sign if that claim is off.

Then once the final papers are filed with the court air her and POS's dirty laundry for all the world to see (fb, Cheaterville,etc.) if it gives you a sense of justice and closure.

They are scum that deserves to be outed for the wretched human beings they are.

I can't believe they let trash like POS even wear badges in society.


----------



## Ovid

Clawed said:


> She knows how much I love her, it just has taken me a while to see that I'm not in love with her, but that I love the girl I used to know - she is far gone.
> 
> * * * I just received a text from my wife while I am typing this, that states: *"Hey. If I have him modify it [the divorce papers] to stipulate no physical abuse, are you willing to go down and sign?" ** * *
> 
> That was my biggest fear, but if she is willing to drop that, should I do it? Like I said, she is damn scared to fight me, because she knows she has a lot to hide. This would save us both a ton of money. I just can't believe she backed down so quickly. I showed up at her house Monday and said that I would not sign it as is and she was pretty pissed.


If take this. Save money and make it go away fast... Just tell her you want someone to look at it first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatureDave

Clawed,

Please take this from someone who has been through it....

Two words...radio silence! What this means is that you STOP negotiating and trying to reach an agreement with her on what to sign and when. Do not give away your strategy or cave into hers.

You have a lawyer, let him do his job. 

Do not agree to anything, do not discuss anything further. 

DO NOT GIVE HER LEVERAGE WITH THE DV ISSUE. It is bogus and everyone knows that. It is NOT a negotiating point.

Anything she proposes as terms for a settlement, you answer "That's interesting, we will consider it. Let me run it by my lawyer."

Or even better, answer that it is out of your hands. Just cut her off and tell her to have her lawyer run it by your lawyer.

Bottom line, anything she proposes to you personally is in HER interest, not yours.


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## NatureDave

One last thing, you keep trying to save money by doing things without a lawyer.

A GOOD LAWYER WILL SAVE YOU MONEY! This settlement will last a lifetime, you want to get it right. Pay the man, let him do his job with your direction.


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## 6301

No doubt who coached her. It was her cop BF. If it wasn't then my guess is that the lawyer asked then said let's put it down anyhow. In other words Let's throw **** at the wall and see what sticks. My money is on the BF. He's no doubt thinking that he's going to be her knight in shining armor. 

I agree with Nucking Futs. Tell her to have her lawyer send it to yours. That's what your paying him to do.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Clawed said:


> She knows how much I love her, it just has taken me a while to see that I'm not in love with her, but that I love the girl I used to know - she is far gone.
> 
> * * * I just received a text from my wife while I am typing this, that states: *"Hey. If I have him modify it [the divorce papers] to stipulate no physical abuse, are you willing to go down and sign?" ** * *
> 
> That was my biggest fear, but if she is willing to drop that, should I do it? Like I said, she is damn scared to fight me, because she knows she has a lot to hide. This would save us both a ton of money. I just can't believe she backed down so quickly. I showed up at her house Monday and said that I would not sign it as is and she was pretty pissed.


Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance.
Sun Tzu 

Get a lawyer dude.


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## Shaggy

What about,naming her OM in the divorce,and telling his wife?

You seem to be preparing to roll over and take the bone she is offering.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> What about,naming her OM in the divorce,and telling his wife?
> 
> You seem to be preparing to roll over and take the bone she is offering.


Money comes and money goes. You should serve her at work, just for that special effect.


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## Clawed

This is so overwhelming! On one hand I just want this to be over with so I can move on with my life. On the other hand, part of me wants to make this a little more difficult for her because of what she's put me through. Wouldn't I want to out her and the POSOM when I'm in the clear or is it just petty at that point? She is obviously not happy that I haven't signed yet. I will talk to my lawyer. I wonder if she can be served at work if she works third shift. Also I already talked to the wife after I found everything out. Actually she might be the only one with actual proof of the affair. Not looking forward to seeing her in one hour. Do I just not say anything? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Clawed said:


> This is so overwhelming! On one hand I just want this to be over with so I can move on with my life. On the other hand, part of me wants to make this a little more difficult for her because of what she's put me through. Wouldn't I want to out her and the POSOM when I'm in the clear or is it just petty at that point? She is obviously not happy that I haven't signed yet. I will talk to my lawyer. I wonder if she can be served at work if she works third shift. Also I already talked to the wife after I found everything out. Actually she might be the only one with actual proof of the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are in control now that's why it's driving her nuts.


----------



## tom67

You could use a special process server to serve her unless in your county you have to use the sheriff's office first. Check into it.


----------



## Shaggy

Clawed said:


> This is so overwhelming! On one hand I just want this to be over with so I can move on with my life. On the other hand, part of me wants to make this a little more difficult for her because of what she's put me through. Wouldn't I want to out her and the POSOM when I'm in the clear or is it just petty at that point? She is obviously not happy that I haven't signed yet. I will talk to my lawyer. I wonder if she can be served at work if she works third shift. Also I already talked to the wife after I found everything out. Actually she might be the only one with actual proof of the affair. Not looking forward to seeing her in one hour. Do I just not say anything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd be doing the exact opposite of anything she wanted me to do.

She seems kinda desperate and in a hurry - so drag it out. Make it slow, and name the OM.


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

Shaggy is right.

Have your attorney review. That is worth it in the long run.

Next thing you will find out is your wife is in a rush to be with the OM because she is knocked up or wants to be with him.

So take your time.
Use your attorney to review.
Then sign the docs.

Your wife is no longer in control but that does not mean she will start telling you the truth.

HM64


----------



## the guy

Your lawyer is going to tell you to "play nice".

You can out her after the D is finalized, but then again she is going to screw you coming or going...so tell your lawyer you want to out this betrayal and all you want is what is at stake in the judges eyes. 
Nothing!


Sir I reccommend you make it a point of record why you are divorcing. It won't mean crap as far as who gets what but at the end of the day that is one thing that sticks with you and that is point of record.....


The point is if you don't make it a point that you are divorcing cuz she screwed around then in the end no will know..no one can say she did...... it goes away!

Some guys have alot to lose, other don't....


----------



## warlock07

So she was using the DV accusations as a bargain tool?


----------



## Clawed

warlock07 said:


> So she was using the DV accusations as a bargain tool?


Like I said, supposedly she was advised by an attorney to indicate there was DV. She does believe that in the loosest sense of the word that there was. Might there be someone else behind it? Maybe...

Well, the one truth that has come out of all of this is that I am much better off without her. For some reason, I was totally blind to this up until just a couple of days ago. Now, I never want to go back. I feel this huge weight has been lifted from me. I don't care at all if she is with someone else. It just means that she is someone else's problem now.


----------



## Chaparral

You still need to put him on cheaterville.com. There will be people that need to know about him and when they google his name, his cheating ass will be near the top. Hopefully, you will have the stones to do the right thing for the other people /familes he may harm.


----------



## Clawed

Chaparral said:


> You still need to put him on cheaterville.com. There will be people that need to know about him and when they google his name, his cheating ass will be near the top. Hopefully, you will have the stones to do the right thing for the other people /familes he may harm.


No, believe me I will. It may or may not help, but he certainly deserves that. He is a low life piece of trash. My wife is no better.


----------



## tom67

Clawed said:


> No, believe me I will. It may or may not help, but he certainly deserves that. He is a low life piece of trash. My wife is no better.


When you do put the link on here and we'll take care of the rest.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Clawed said:


> ...Well, the one truth that has come out of all of this is that I am much better off without her. For some reason, I was totally blind to this up until just a couple of days ago. Now, I never want to go back. I feel this huge weight has been lifted from me. I don't care at all if she is with someone else. It just means that she is someone else's problem now.


Just catching back up with your thread. The quote above is a significant point in your emotional state. Now is the time where you start feeling good again. Don't get me wrong, it is not a cake-walk, but your future is now wide open.

In hind-sight it is amazing how we so desperately want our WS back immediately after d-day, and now it is like we are hoping a garbage truck will come take our trash away.

Very glad to see you have made it to this point.


----------



## Squeakr

Clawed said:


> Like I said, supposedly she was advised by an attorney to indicate there was DV.



I would have my attorney pursue this and find out what legal claim they have to make this. IF it is indeed false and they knew this, nor had no supporting proof, then it would seem that you would have some sort of legal actions to take against the attorney for suggesting this. They have a due diligence to provide the best service and support to their client, but also remain within the confines of the law. If such claims were knowingly made at the suggestions of the attorney then it would seem that they would ultimately be responsible and if untrue have breached some code of conduct or arm of the law.

If she went rogue and did this against the attorney's recommendation then she would be the responsible but if the attorney knew it was false and fabricated then they should/ would be held to some sort of professional misconduct by the bar association I would think. This is my $0.02 and some of the real attorneys on here can correct me if I am wrong.


----------



## Clawed

Lovemytruck said:


> Just catching back up with your thread. The quote above is a significant point in your emotional state. Now is the time where you start feeling good again. Don't get me wrong, it is not a cake-walk, but your future is now wide open.
> 
> In hind-sight it is amazing how we so desperately want our WS back immediately after d-day, and now it is like we are hoping a garbage truck will come take our trash away.
> 
> Very glad to see you have made it to this point.


I really do feel like this is another 'landmark' in the divorce process. I thought I was in a very good place before this. I already accepted my wife as gone, but the difference between then and now is that if now she were to want to come back, I would not allow it. Part of me was still holding fast hope. Part of me was still holding onto the the girl I fell in love with when I think we can all agree that she no longer exists.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Clawed said:


> I really do feel like this is another 'landmark' in the divorce process. I thought I was in a very good place before this. I already accepted my wife as gone, but the difference between then and now is that if now she were to want to come back, I would not allow it. Part of me was still holding fast hope. Part of me was still holding onto the the girl I fell in love with when I think we can all agree that she no longer exists.


I totally relate. I struggle to "hate" anyone. It seems that we need to try to hold on to some of those fond memories, and at the same time, protect ourselves from the fake person that they are/were.

The idea of a woman/spouse that you thought you knew is difficult to part with. You are correct, she didn't exist.

When you start future romantic relationships, this knowledge will be likely influence your choices. It can be an asset, or hinder you depending on your mindset. Use your knowledge with wisdom.

What I am saying is you are now at a new beginning. Continue to look ahead. It will be good for you in the long run.


----------



## Clawed

Lovemytruck said:


> I totally relate. I struggle to "hate" anyone. It seems that we need to try to hold on to some of those fond memories, and at the same time, protect ourselves from the fake person that they are/were.


You know what? I think it's great to hold onto those wonderful memories you create over the course of a relationship. After all, when I think about my marriage, I can look back with very little regret. Could I have done some things better? Absolutely! But I loved my wife and we shared some really good times. I know we were meant to be together, even if only for a season. My wife looks back on the marriage and does not feel the same way - she said that after I found out about the affair (an obvious rewrite). So, she might feel like she wasted 15 years. Meanwhile, I LIVED them to the fullest!


----------



## Squeakr

Great attitude you have Clawed.


----------



## Lovemytruck

I think that accepting the good and the bad is healthy and honest. I deeply loved my exWW. I now avoid her to keep the peace. Just enough contact about stuff to remind me why a D was the best decision.

Hope you will get to this point too. No regrets. I am very happily married to a second wife now. It is different. I am different, but it is still very sweet.

Keep moving forward.


----------



## happyman64

Clawed said:


> You know what? I think it's great to hold onto those wonderful memories you create over the course of a relationship. After all, when I think about my marriage, I can look back with very little regret. Could I have done some things better? Absolutely! But I loved my wife and we shared some really good times. I know we were meant to be together, even if only for a season. My wife looks back on the marriage and does not feel the same way - she said that after I found out about the affair (an obvious rewrite). So, she might feel like she wasted 15 years. *Meanwhile, I LIVED them to the fullest*!


Clawed

A good friend of mine went through something very similar with his wife. Married 9 years, 2 young daughters under age 7. 

He got full custody, the house.

His Exw is mad as hell that he took everything. He is upset that she still dates the POSOM.

She has rewritten their marriage but we both know she would jump right back into a relationship with him in a heartbeat.

I told him this, "Wait and see how mad she gets when she realizes you got the best years out of her and the rest is downhill for her, no money, no house and she pays you child support. Hell, she lives with mommy and daddy and they despise her for what she did to you and the girls."

Well guess what. Now she is really mad and even crazier to deal with. Because reality smacked her in the @ss.

You just wait Clawed.

HM64


----------



## Hardtohandle

Clawed 

The reason they are going for the DV is they are afraid of what issues it will cause him if you bring him into court work wise. 

Many unsavory things might come out. The job might find out they were messing around while he was on duty.. He can get jammed up big time. 

So they are trying to make it where your this bad guy and can't be trusted with what you do or say. 

Rat him the fvck out to his job if you can.. Make I.A follow him around. They might not catch him messing around but they might get him another way. 

I would carry a voice recorder on you all the time. Just make sure arizona is a one party state, otherwise just tell them your recording the conversation plain and simple.

As much as I hate Ovid for what he says because he just tells the straight and honest truth without sugar coating it. He is right. 

Many times when he would post in my thread I would would just wish he was a bit more gentler with me and just let me down a bit easier. I wanted to choke the sh1t out of him then, but now I want to hug the guy. Tough love straight and simple. 

I hear many of my words coming from your mouth as well. All you did was love the girl and she fvcks you over.. Trust me I don't get it either.. 

6 months from now you will be singing a different tune. You will see how fvcked him and her will be.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Hardtohandle said:


> Clawed
> 
> The reason they are going for the DV is they are afraid of what issues it will cause him if you bring him into court work wise.
> 
> Many unsavory things might come out. The job might find out they were messing around while he was on duty.. He can get jammed up big time.
> 
> So they are trying to make it where your this bad guy and can't be trusted with what you do or say.
> 
> Rat him the fvck out to his job if you can.. Make I.A follow him around. They might not catch him messing around but they might get him another way.
> 
> *I would carry a voice recorder on you all the time.* Just make sure arizona is a one party state, otherwise just tell them your recording the conversation plain and simple.
> 
> As much as I hate Ovid for what he says because he just tells the straight and honest truth without sugar coating it. He is right.
> 
> Many times when he would post in my thread I would would just wish he was a bit more gentler with me and just let me down a bit easier. I wanted to choke the sh1t out of him then, but now I want to hug the guy. Tough love straight and simple.
> 
> I hear many of my words coming from your mouth as well. All you did was love the girl and she fvcks you over.. Trust me I don't get it either..
> 
> 6 months from now you will be singing a different tune. You will see how fvcked him and her will be.


FYI Arizona is a one party consent state, so as long as you are one of the people involved in the conversation it's legal for you to record it. You do not need to notify the other parties to the conversation that you are recording it.

The recordings from a car var need to be kept to yourself since you're not a party to the conversation.


----------



## Clawed

Hey guys! I had a really great day most of yesterday. 

Today, however, I am falling back into thinking about the infidelity. My mind keeps going places I do not want it to go - for some reason, I am thinking about what "might" have happened that I don't know about. What is wrong with me? She does not deserve this much control over me, she committed the wrong but I am the one paying the ultimate price.

For those that have been there: Does it ever get better? She was my only love, so getting betrayed by her feels like the end of the world. Does anyone have any suggestions about what books I might read or activities I can try? Anything to ease the pain and deal with it more effectively.

Thanks in advance everyone ~


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## somethingnewmaybe

I haven't cared enough to look for an affair, but her behavior matched nearly every story here. I wonder the same thing. Was she putting me at risk? What cold, heartless people.


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## Ovid

Clawed said:


> Hey guys! I had a really great day most of yesterday.
> 
> Today, however, I am falling back into thinking about the infidelity. My mind keeps going places I do not want it to go - for some reason, I am thinking about what "might" have happened that I don't know about. What is wrong with me? She does not deserve this much control over me, she committed the wrong but I am the one paying the ultimate price.
> 
> For those that have been there: Does it ever get better? She was my only love, so getting betrayed by her feels like the end of the world. Does anyone have any suggestions about what books I might read or activities I can try? Anything to ease the pain and deal with it more effectively.
> 
> Thanks in advance everyone ~


We've all gone through this. It does get better with time. You just need to muddle through in the beginning. After that you can start hobbies and other activities to help build yourself up.

Weight lifting is the best thing ever for the beginning stages. It helps you deal with it, but it also helps build you up and rebuild your confidence.


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## Lovemytruck

Clawed said:


> Hey guys! I had a really great day most of yesterday.
> 
> Today, however, I am falling back into thinking about the infidelity. My mind keeps going places I do not want it to go - for some reason, I am thinking about what "might" have happened that I don't know about. What is wrong with me? She does not deserve this much control over me, she committed the wrong but I am the one paying the ultimate price.
> 
> For those that have been there: Does it ever get better? She was my only love, so getting betrayed by her feels like the end of the world. Does anyone have any suggestions about what books I might read or activities I can try? Anything to ease the pain and deal with it more effectively.
> 
> Thanks in advance everyone ~


Yes, it does get better! It takes time. More than most of us want to burn.

I agree with Ovid's ideas on this.

I also would add that you need to get social. Get off of the couch, out of the house, and have fun with friends. Don't be a wet towel, and dwell on your pain. GO HAVE FUN!!!

Date when you feel good enough. Once the D is your path, decide when you are comfortable to date. Don't date with a need to burden her, date for fun!

Find some guys that are like you. Hang out with them. Go do stuff with them. Sports, outdoor activities, etc. It is amazing how much you will forget your pain when you replace it with friends and fun.

Reading was good for me too. I read TONS. TAM, books, internet crap, all of it. Lol! Read about attraction. Read about stuff to make you more confident in yourself.


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## 6301

Clawed said:


> Hey guys! I had a really great day most of yesterday.
> 
> Today, however, I am falling back into thinking about the infidelity. My mind keeps going places I do not want it to go - for some reason, I am thinking about what "might" have happened that I don't know about. What is wrong with me? She does not deserve this much control over me, she committed the wrong but I am the one paying the ultimate price.
> 
> For those that have been there: Does it ever get better? She was my only love, so getting betrayed by her feels like the end of the world. Does anyone have any suggestions about what books I might read or activities I can try? Anything to ease the pain and deal with it more effectively.
> 
> Thanks in advance everyone ~



The only thing I can tell you is that the more you dwell on it, the harder it will be to let go. 

In all honesty you'll never be satisfied with any answer you get. I know this for a fact because I'm still trying to figure out what happened to me way back in 1968 when my fiancé stabbed me in the back and had another man's baby. This is now 2013. Forty five years later and even though back in 08 she finally told me and believe me she was a bogus as ever. Remembers what she wants to remember and points to everyone else for blame rather than being an adult and saying that she was plain selfish and only thought of herself.

I have put it behind me. Forty five years does that but every once in a while I here something that triggers a memory and I think about it and after the thought goes through my head, I keep thinking that I'm so glad that I got away from her and her lies. My life is so much better. Yours will be too in time but find something that can occupy your time and the memories that do come back will be easier to cope with. Good luck.


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## Hardtohandle

I know you don't see it now, but they go through there own issues and guilt. Only when I calmed down did I see my Ex wasn't a monster and has some issues. She would have never left our kids like she did. My Ex was a caring woman and always looked out for me and my kids.. 

But I couldn't see it then. I was too torn and broken.. Heck I couldn't see my own kids were hurting. 

This sh1t just doesn't make you think straight.. Trust me I really, really wish I knew a short cut, a magic pill to ease this pain and trauma, but there just isn't. 

If I didn't have my kids I would have ran away.. I would have been GONE.... I would have disappeared off the face of this earth for all intent and purposes. And honestly there was a point even with my kids I was gonna do that. I couldn't bare seeing her.. It hurt too much.. I couldn't bare her being with someone else..

But this sh1t doesn't make you think straight..

My only honest thought is I would want my wife to come back on her own accord. I don't want to convince my wife why she should come back or why we are worth it.. She should know that on her own..


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## Clawed

Good advice, thank you. I have already done some of those things. I started with the gym right after D-Day because my self-esteem was destroyed. It was never super great to begin with either, but I was comfortable because I thought I had the unconditional love of my wife. I still try to go regularly, minimum 2-3 times / week. It helps, but Carpal Tunnel can make it bit challenging to push myself as I would like to.

I think getting more social would be the best thing for me. I moved from NY to AZ to be with my wife 14 years ago, so I need to start building some friendships of my own out here. Maybe I'll check out Meetup.com again and take up a new hobby or something. I was very excited to get out there, be social and try new things when I got out of the hospital because I had a new lease on life, but I also thought at that point that my wife would come back, she said she was feeling optimistic...

Dating should be really interesting. That's all I have to say about that.


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## Clawed

H2H: Yeah, I think it's natural to be so inwardly focused that I have no idea what she is going through - I just don't know that I care, call it selfishness. I cannot help but WANT to see her crash and burn at this point.

I do care very much about what my son is going through though. I see some changes in his behavior that concern me, but I am trying to be the best possible dad despite everything. I expected her to be the better parent through this because I thought I would be too much of a mess, but I think I provide him with more stability than she does.

I guess I just have to be prepared to have those hard days. I have been great lately, so I did not expect to crash so hard today. You're right, you cannot think straight. When all of the hurt and pain come rushing back, it's extremely difficult to control.


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## awake1

Clawed said:


> Hey guys! I had a really great day most of yesterday.
> 
> Today, however, I am falling back into thinking about the infidelity. My mind keeps going places I do not want it to go - for some reason, I am thinking about what "might" have happened that I don't know about. What is wrong with me? She does not deserve this much control over me, she committed the wrong but I am the one paying the ultimate price.
> 
> For those that have been there: Does it ever get better? She was my only love, so getting betrayed by her feels like the end of the world. Does anyone have any suggestions about what books I might read or activities I can try? Anything to ease the pain and deal with it more effectively.
> 
> Thanks in advance everyone ~


Our stories are very similar. 

Yes, it gets better. 

For me the roller coaster lasted about 4-5 months. It was always come and go. In and out, in and out, in and out. Then one time it went out and never came back in. 

I just assume there's a lot more that i'll never know. In fact, i'm fairly certain there's more. I'm sure in most cases there is. 

But eventually you reach a point of almost saturation and "wearing it out". You've thought, wondered, questioned, rationalized etc so much so long you get tired of the whole thing. 

It's a natural part of the healing process and a way for your mind to make sense of things. 

It's not the end of the world, its just another bump in life. Your mistake was placing too low an importance on yourself, and too high an importance on her. 

married man sex life primer and no more mr guy are the two most recommended. 

I'd also add guys night out with friends. Lots of them. Socialize and make new friends. Mingle with different kinds of people. This can be a time of possibilities or a time of stifling depression. Go talk to girls. 

She took your past, make a choice that she doesn't get your future. I gave enough for my years of being a dedicated husband. The sacrificing is over. 

Buy yourself things. Treat yourself, take care of yourself. Make yourself a priority. 

I think what's lost in all the pain is the opportunity to rebuild your life better than it was.

And you may never see it, but the same deep seated issues that caused her cheating will *never* let her have a good life until they're addressed. She will self sabotage.


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## Shaggy

You may find you feel better when you are taking action or are in the drivers seat. Personally I do not react well when others set the agenda or schedule.

That's why you doing things such as shaming the OM can be helpful, it puts you in charge, and it causes grief for him and her - win-win!


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## Clawed

Well, I am still here - which is a victory of sorts for me. I have not given in to the feelings that would have normally caused me to spiral into a deep depression.

I just wanted to give an update: I was served divorce papers finally (at work), right before going on vacation. I came back and filed a response and now I am waiting... I don't even know what is supposed to happen next.

The good news? Well, I picked myself back up and have started to change my life. I'm still going to the gym and I decided to coach my son's soccer team this year. I also decided to hire a business consultant (one of my past bride clients) to finally help get my photography business back off the ground. It's really exciting stuff!

I think about her still, but almost entirely in a negative light. I feel sorry for myself now and again because I have a pretty difficult time talking to and meeting women. I know I have a lot to offer but I am incredibly shy and it's been way too long since I have been single.

Oh well, our house is gone, I have had no contact at all with anyone in her family and even our exchanges are cordial and I don't show her any weakness. It's about all I know how to do, but there is still a lot of pain. My life is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought I would retire in that home we were so incredibly blessed with, and spend my the rest of my days with the woman I chose to marry.


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## bandit.45

When a wayward chooses to unilaterally end the marriage it is always painful. 

You will survive: stronger, better, wiser and able to help others who are going through the same heartache. Nice thing about Arizona is there are plenty of single women looking for men like you. 

I'm a bit shy too, but I find most women here are very open and responsive as long as you smile and show self confidence. If you are in the Phoenix area then you are in luck friend. Go to the right places in Scottsdale on a Friday night and you'll find a smorgasbord of honeys. 

PM me if you want to chat.


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## Clawed

For some reason I am having a hard time pulling the trigger on posting the STBX on Cheaterville.com. Is it the right thing to do, or should I let God / Karma sort out the trash?


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## happyman64

Why is it hard?

She cheated. 
She lied. 
She hit you with domestic violence accusations. 

Post her on CV. 

I would not think twice. 

When is your divorce final?

Is she still banging the married cop?

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

happyman64 said:


> Why is it hard?
> 
> She cheated.
> She lied.
> She hit you with domestic violence accusations.
> 
> Post her on CV.
> 
> I would not think twice.
> 
> When is your divorce final?
> 
> Is she still banging the married cop?
> 
> HM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't misunderstand me, it's not because I don't WANT to, I'm actually just worried about the legal ramifications if she were to come across it. Can she do anything about it?

I filed a response probably a month and a half ago, waiting for things to be finalized, mediation first. 

And honestly, I don't care if that dirt-bag and her are still seeing each other. Have not cared in probably two months - vermin like that deserve each other. Better that than someone worth a damn comes across either one of their paths. Which I get it - it's a good enough reason alone to get their faces on there


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## LongWalk

Write the CV so that it is very factual with no emotion. That will give them nothing so sue about. The truth is not libel.


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## weightlifter

Sample CV entry.

OM is in a sexual relationship with a married woman. Relationship ran from time x to time y. Activities included PIV sex, Anal, farm animals and chainsaws. He is known to have had one other relationship with a married woman which was also discovered and was a factor in both womens' divorces.

attach 
Pic of wifes car at his house with caption indicating date

Censored pic of OM's wang showing pubic area but not wang. Tattoos rock for evidence in this case. 

A censored selfie

etc


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## missthelove2013

the way i would look at it...

she served ME divorce papers...she is NO LONGER messing around, she is moving on...


I would do the same


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## Clawed

missthelove2013 said:


> the way i would look at it...
> 
> she served ME divorce papers...she is NO LONGER messing around, she is moving on...
> 
> 
> I would do the same


I have moved on ~ I am living and LOVING life!!! Never better, in fact. 

There is not ANY aspect of my life I would change. I am seeing someone else right now and it's a pretty damn crazy relationship, but I'm having a blast with it anyway.

As far as the ex goes, she is a frigid *****, and although she is pretty hot normally when she is happy, she is pretty damn ugly these days. She looks unhappy at all times. Is it bad that I LOVE that? Everything in my life is better than what it was. I obviously miss the constant companionship I had, but it's really kewl that I get so much more time to work on myself, and when I need a companion, I have one.

Still don't know if it's totally final, but mediation is done, we agreed on everything (except the DV, which was dropped) so I still have money in the bank! She didn't even go after my retirement!


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## tom67

Clawed said:


> I have moved on ~ I am living and LOVING life!!! Never better, in fact.
> 
> There is not ANY aspect of my life I would change. I am seeing someone else right now and it's a pretty damn crazy relationship, but I'm having a blast with it anyway.
> 
> As far as the ex goes, she is a frigid *****, and although she is pretty hot normally when she is happy, she is pretty damn ugly these days. She looks unhappy at all times. Is it bad that I LOVE that? Everything in my life is better than what it was. I obviously miss the constant companionship I had, but it's really kewl that I get so much more time to work on myself, and when I need a companion, I have one.
> 
> Still don't know if it's totally final, but mediation is done, we agreed on everything (except the DV, which was dropped) so I still have money in the bank! She didn't even go after my retirement!


Good to hear!
Living well is the best revenge.


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## Clawed

tom67 said:


> Good to hear!
> Living well is the best revenge.


It is, and I honestly thought I would be the one hung up on this for the rest of my life and she would quickly move on and be 100% happy.

It appears that isn't the case at all. I am 100% happy (even despite being in a weird dating situation). It seemed like everything changed as soon as I made up my mind to fully move on. I think she knew I was still clinging to hope. So the moment I started being incredibly happy around her and I got involved coaching my son's soccer team, she seemed to get bitter. There's also no doubt she knows I'm with someone else.

Things are getting better every single day as my marriage becomes more of a memory. I have good memories, but now, It's time to make some incredible new ones - and in the past 3 or 4 months - I have made some *great *ones.


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## LostViking

Clawed said:


> It is, and I honestly thought I would be the one hung up on this for the rest of my life and she would quickly move on and be 100% happy.
> 
> It appears that isn't the case at all. I am 100% happy (even despite being in a weird dating situation). It seemed like everything changed as soon as I made up my mind to fully move on. I think she knew I was still clinging to hope. So the moment I started being incredibly happy around her and I got involved coaching my son's soccer team, she seemed to get bitter. There's also no doubt she knows I'm with someone else.
> 
> Things are getting better every single day as my marriage becomes more of a memory. I have good memories, but now, It's time to make some incredible new ones - and in the past 3 or 4 months - I have made some *great *ones.



She never expected you to move on so quickly. She expected you to spend the rest of your life pining away for her, spending each day in agony for her, until you died miserable and alone in the cold, unfurnished back room of a hovel on some nameless avenue. 

You showed her, in the most deliberate way possible, that this was not the case. 

Waywards hunger for control more than anything. Take that control away and they are blind and lost. 

I'm happy for you my friend.


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## happyman64

Good for you Clawed.

Sounds like your wife "finding herself" did not work out for her.

She is only going to get uglier.

Live life.

HM


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## weightlifter

Congrats dude!

Did you ever do a cheaterville entry?

Is she still dating barney fife?

GENERICALLY what is crazy about your dating situation?


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## Clawed

weightlifter said:


> Congrats dude!
> 
> Did you ever do a cheaterville entry?
> 
> Is she still dating barney fife?
> 
> GENERICALLY what is crazy about your dating situation?


Did not do a CV entry, but I plan to in order to potentially protect someone else from getting involved.

No idea who she is dating, and could not care any less 

My girlfriend (actually going to be former) is clearly not good at relationships. You will get a kick out of this! She is former military and a former police officer, lol. That should have been my cue to get the hell as far away from her as possible. She does not know how to show any meaningful emotions and has no ability to own any mistakes she makes, exactly like the ex. So as much as I want to find out about "her amazing sexual abilities" (literally all she talked about from date 3 is what kind of crazy stuff she is into) that she brags about - I won't be hanging around long enough for that.

Onward to better things! I know that I do not have to settle anymore


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## nogutsnoglory

Clawed said:


> Did not do a CV entry, but I plan to in order to potentially protect someone else from getting involved.
> 
> No idea who she is dating, and could not care any less
> 
> My girlfriend (actually going to be former) is clearly not good at relationships. You will get a kick out of this! She is former military and a former police officer, lol. That should have been my cue to get the hell as far away from her as possible. She does not know how to show any meaningful emotions and has no ability to own any mistakes she makes, exactly like the ex. So as much as I want to find out about "her amazing sexual abilities" (literally all she talked about from date 3 is what kind of crazy stuff she is into) that she brags about - I won't be hanging around long enough for that.
> 
> Onward to better things! I know that I do not have to settle anymore


Keep her around long enough to use those handcuffs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

nogutsnoglory said:


> Keep her around long enough to use those handcuffs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


haha, it's very tempting, but I honestly think she is crazy... certifiably. We shall see, might make it all the better


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## NovellaBiers

Clawed said:


> Did not do a CV entry, but I plan to in order to potentially protect someone else from getting involved.
> 
> No idea who she is dating, and could not care any less
> 
> My girlfriend (actually going to be former) is clearly not good at relationships. You will get a kick out of this! She is former military and a former police officer, lol. That should have been my cue to get the hell as far away from her as possible. She does not know how to show any meaningful emotions and has no ability to own any mistakes she makes, exactly like the ex. So as much as I want to find out about "her amazing sexual abilities" (literally all she talked about from date 3 is what kind of crazy stuff she is into) that she brags about - I won't be hanging around long enough for that.
> 
> Onward to better things! I know that I do not have to settle anymore


Do you reckon this applies to male police officers too?


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## workindad

Great progress I am happy for you. 

All the best
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clawed

NovellaBiers said:


> Do you reckon this applies to male police officers too?


What specifically do you mean? This? *"She does not know how to show any meaningful emotions and has no ability to own any mistakes she makes."*

I have had a few close individuals in my life that are in law enforcement, and WITHOUT EXCEPTION, they are the same. I'm not saying there can't possibly be some out there that do not fit the mold, but in general, you bet they do. A terrible breed. I respect their job, but if they use their job as an excuse to be like that, I have no respect for them as individuals. AT ALL!


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