# Asexual wife here..being disrespected a lot..



## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

I am 25 and have been married for close to two years. I was always aware I was repulsed by sex and any touching whatsoever. My husband has always been FULLY aware of it as well. I've never made any secret of it or pretended I was into things when I really wasn't. I had never heard of asexuality until recently but now it all makes sense. I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral. I hate it so much but I do it anyway. Regular sex feels like rape to me. I've never had any sexual abuse of any sort in my past. Sex is always painful and makes me feel gross. I have no desire ever...never have. I'm not gay either. I am even more repulsed by females.

The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen. I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place. I feel so so humiliated. I even said many times.. do it at home (I'd still hate it), not in public. However, he says okay but never listens to me. I'm not sure what to do. He did this today. I am tired of being "careful" about what I wear. Meaning, not wearing tight fitting clothes because he won't stop touching me. It makes me cry sometimes. If I express how I feel and cry about it, I get ragefully yelled at. So I keep it inside.. I go into the lavatory and cry. How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse. While I was driving today he started grabbing at my chest. I told him to quit it. He started saying " They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them." When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally. 

Then comes the other issue.. when I've been grabbed at all day long and feel so used and disgusted.. I cannot fathom offering sex. I just can't do it. So I'm offering it less often now. I told him probably 300 times that grabbing turns me off and makes it far less likely that we will have sexual time. Not sure why he isn't listening. Lots of times he laughs at me. When we discuss these issues he tells me he isn't as high drived as he used to be.. although, I see no difference.

Occasionally he will act shocked that I hate sex and touching. It's a mystery to me because we've been together for close to 10 years and I've ALWAYS remained the same on the issue.

A month ago I had an experience with him the frightened me. It's still bothering me often. We were in the kitchen and he started grabbing me (I had been sick with a migraine and sleeping the whole day. Throwing up, etc.). I asked him to stop and said I felt nauseous (from the migraine). He pushed me against the wall and tried to shove his hands into my pants. I tried to get away and yelled for him to stop. I said please please just stop I don't feel well. He wouldn't stop. I dropped to the floor in attempt to get away. He held me and wouldn't let me go.. still trying to put his hands in my pants ( FYI- this has NEVER been acceptable behavior in my book and he knows this.). My eyes filled with tears and I said STOP I AM SICK PLEASE JUST STOP! He pushed his way past me, went upstairs and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Was I wrong here? I ended up apologizing to just end the fight. Is this abuse? I feel like crying as I'm typing this.

I am unclear whether I am in an abusive marriage or not. What is the proper way to deal with the grabbing? It's not as if he doesn't get sex and it's not like I've ever changed and suddenly decided I don't like sex.. it's always been this way (almost 10 years as I said.). Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help!


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Yeah that is pretty much sexual assault.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Bad scene indeed. Get out of the marriage.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I am of the opinion that marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship, and so if you consider yourself asexual you should not be married, or at the very least you should find someone to marry who also identifies as asexual. 

Yes your husband's behavior is abusive or getting close to it. But I can't see how the two of you are ever going to be happy together given that he has a normal sex drive and you have none, and view sex as an irritating chore. If you are 25 and been together for 10 years then I'm guessing you starting dating when you were both around 15? Over that time he has progressed from being a pubescent boy to a man that wants and needs regular sex. Meanwhile you have come to identify as asexual. You are no more compatible than a gay man and a straight woman. You should go your separate ways.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

east2west said:


> I am of the opinion that marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship, and so if you consider yourself asexual you should not be married, or at the very least you should find someone to marry who also identifies as asexual.
> 
> Yes your husband's behavior is abusive or getting close to it. But I can't see how the two of you are ever going to be happy together given that he has a normal sex drive and you have none, and view sex as an irritating chore. If you are 25 and been together for 10 years then I'm guessing you starting dating when you were both around 15? Over that time he has progressed from being a pubescent boy to a man that wants and needs regular sex. Meanwhile you have come to identify as asexual. You are no more compatible than a gay man and a straight woman. You should go your separate ways.


I agree with this.

It sounds like he has grown and changed but you have stayed exactly the same and he wanted you to grow and change with him.

Hating touch and sex makes you very incompatible.It's going to be tough for you to find a partner who is similar but it's not impossible. you can't be with just any guy while having this issue.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Before I get to your post, I have a question. Why did you get married if you knew you had zero interest in sex? I'm sure you knew that sex was a part of marriage, that would explain why you have sex as much as you do with your husband.

As for your post, your husband is a ****ing *******. Period. You shouldn't have apologized to him, you should have had him charged, locked up, and told the fellow inmates what he did so they can go to town on him.

I don't care if you had never had sex with your husband, ever, and told him there was no hope for sex ever again either, he had zero right to do what he did. He would have the right to divorce you, but not the right to assault you.

I hope that you consider the possibility of divorce and that he gets his @$$ kicked. Then I hope the two of you either find a peaceful and mutually fulfilling middle ground for your marriage or you both find new people to satisfy your needs.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am so sorry for both of you...

Have you had professional help? It sounds like you may be a high functioning autistic, or have aspergers, both could explain your aversion to touch...

Have you ever experienced an orgasm, or any physical attraction to anyone?

Please end this relationship, In the long run it is cruel to both
of you...


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

east2west said:


> I am of the opinion that marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship, and so if you consider yourself asexual you should not be married, or at the very least you should find someone to marry who also identifies as asexual.
> 
> Yes your husband's behavior is abusive or getting close to it. But I can't see how the two of you are ever going to be happy together given that he has a normal sex drive and you have none, and view sex as an irritating chore. If you are 25 and been together for 10 years then I'm guessing you starting dating when you were both around 15? Over that time he has progressed from being a pubescent boy to a man that wants and needs regular sex. Meanwhile you have come to identify as asexual. You are no more compatible than a gay man and a straight woman. You should go your separate ways.


I understand what you're saying but I didn't have too much of an issue giving into it as long as I was still being respected. Like, I'm sure going to the shopping centre with me is not his ideal idea of fun but he went along with it anyway to make me happy because he loves me. So, I sort of thought of sex as the same thing. It's not what I prefer to do, but he was good to me, so I would do what he liked in return. 

I had THOUGHT the situation improved. He stopped getting angry over sex as much as he had. I THOUGHT he gained more respect for me but then he started grabbing me and not listening when I asked him to stop. So that's where the problem became huge for me.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

east2west said:


> I am of the opinion that marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship, and so if you consider yourself asexual you should not be married, or at the very least you should find someone to marry who also identifies as asexual.
> 
> Yes your husband's behavior is abusive or getting close to it. But I can't see how the two of you are ever going to be happy together given that he has a normal sex drive and you have none, and view sex as an irritating chore. If you are 25 and been together for 10 years then I'm guessing you starting dating when you were both around 15? Over that time he has progressed from being a pubescent boy to a man that wants and needs regular sex. Meanwhile you have come to identify as asexual. *You are no more compatible than a gay man and a straight woman*. You should go your separate ways.


This... especially the bolded.

JenTee, you should leave. Now. And let him find another woman who actually has a sex drive and likes sex. While you go look for an asexual man to match your own nonexistent drive. You're being disrespected because you have grossly disrespected your husband by staying married to him even though you know you are asexual.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I understand what you're saying but I didn't have too much of an issue giving into it as long as I was still being respected. Like, I'm sure going to the shopping centre with me is not his ideal idea of fun but he went along with it anyway to make me happy because he loves me. So, I sort of thought of sex as the same thing. It's not what I prefer to do, but he was good to me, so I would do what he liked in return.
> 
> I had THOUGHT the situation improved. He stopped getting angry over sex as much as he had. I THOUGHT he gained more respect for me but then he started grabbing me and not listening when I asked him to stop. So that's where the problem became huge for me.


I'm not going to defend him because I think he is behaving like a caveman a$$hole.HOWEVER,I imagine he must be very disappointed that you haven't "grown out" of this asexual behavior.maybe he needs to be educated on the issue in order to gain understanding and compassion?

Also,he probably has tons of pent up frustration,anger,hurt,feelings of rejection at having an asexual wife who only makes love to him out of obligation.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Before I get to your post, I have a question. Why did you get married if you knew you had zero interest in sex? I'm sure you knew that sex was a part of marriage, that would explain why you have sex as much as you do with your husband.
> 
> As for your post, your husband is a ****ing *******. Period. You shouldn't have apologized to him, you should have had him charged, locked up, and told the fellow inmates what he did so they can go to town on him.
> 
> ...


Because we connected on a different level. As more than friends for sure. I realized sex is part of a relationship as well as a marriage. I was always repulsed by it but had hardly any issue of just doing it for him as long as I was being treated respectfully as a whole. He didn't complain too often. Just sometimes when I was dealing with things such as a death in my family and was not wanting to do anything for a few months due to my depression. I think that's understandable? 

I do know I shouldn't have apologized. I did it out of fear and just wanting that whole ordeal to just go away and be forgotten about. I was REALLY in shock when it happened. I was also so sick and not even thinking right that I just wanted to cry myself to sleep.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Asexuals either need to marry other asexuals, or not get married at all. It is total and complete foolishness for an asexual to marry a sexual person. It's akin to a homosexual man marrying a heterosexual woman, and being upset that the woman won't respect his right to have sex with other men.

Get a divorce. Move on. Staying in this marriage is unfair to both of you.

If you guys love each other as human beings, that's beautiful. Then just be friends, and marry other people who are sexually suited for you.


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## larcenciel (Nov 28, 2012)

Get a lawyer and get out. 

There's nothing for you to feel bad about here and this guy is seriously abusing you. He's physically assaulting you, forcing you into sex you don't want, and humiliating you in private and in public.

That is abuse.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I am so sorry for both of you...
> 
> Have you had professional help? It sounds like you may be a high functioning autistic, or have aspergers, both could explain your aversion to touch...
> 
> ...


I most certainly don't have autism or asperger's. I do have anxiety and depression. I have seen therapists many times with no results.

I have, a few times.. but I really didn't care either way about it. I sort of thought "Ok that was sort of a waste of time." Also, I don't find ANYONE physically attractive. I do find personalities attractive but not in a sexual way.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Zzyzx said:


> This... especially the bolded.
> 
> JenTee, you should leave. Now. And let him find another woman who actually has a sex drive and likes sex. While you go look for an asexual man to match your own nonexistent drive. You're being disrespected because you have grossly disrespected your husband by staying married to him even though you know you are asexual.


I have NOT disrespected him. He was fully aware of how I was. I flat out said.. I don't mind giving you pleasure if I receive pleasure in other areas of life.. ie: intellectual conversations, going out to dinner, laughing, sight seeing. He smiled and said " that works for me."


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm not going to defend him because I think he is behaving like a caveman a$$hole.HOWEVER,I imagine he must be very disappointed that you haven't "grown out" of this asexual behavior.maybe he needs to be educated on the issue in order to gain understanding and compassion?
> 
> Also,he probably has tons of pent up frustration,anger,hurt,feelings of rejection at having an asexual wife who only makes love to him out of obligation.



He asked me a few years before marriage if I ever thought my sex drive would change.. I said "absolutely not". He said "well okay as long as you give it up once in awhile" and laughed about it. I was under the impression that it was not a big deal.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

JenTee said:


> He smiled and said " that works for me."


Obviously it doesn't work for him anymore.People change.Like I said,he was likely thinking it was a phase when you were young and now that you're older you aren't getting any better and he's ready to flip out from frustration.His actions are very immature and show signs of someone who is dealing with emotions they are not equipped to handle or explain.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Obviously it doesn't work for him anymore.People change.Like I said,he was likely thinking it was a phase when you were young and now that you're older you aren't getting any better and he's ready to flip out from frustration.His actions are very immature and show signs of someone who is dealing with emotions they are not equipped to handle or explain.


He is very immature in many way which is also a challenge to deal with. 

I'm puzzled as to why he recently told me his drive is lower and sex is not a #1 importance to him anymore. Maybe he thinks grabbing is more his thing now? Or maybe he's viewing it as less traumatizing for me? I really have no idea.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Zzyzx said:


> You're being disrespected because you have grossly disrespected your husband by staying married to him even though you know you are asexual.


He married her knowing that she was asexual. If she lives up to what she said she was going to be in the marriage, that's not her disrespecting him, that's him being an idiot for expecting her to change.



jaquen said:


> Asexuals either need to marry other asexuals, or not get married at all. It is total and complete foolishness for an asexual to marry a sexual person.


It's equally foolish for a sexual person to marry an asexual person, but the husband did just that. I'd say they both should have avoided this marriage on that basis.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get Out


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

JenTee said:


> He is very immature in many way which is also a challenge to deal with.
> 
> I'm puzzled as to why he recently told me his drive is lower and sex is not a #1 importance to him anymore. Maybe he thinks grabbing is more his thing now? Or maybe he's viewing it as less traumatizing for me? I really have no idea.


Sometimes we say things and do things for people we love without realizing just how tough it will be to follow through with what we've said/promised.

He's a young man.Sex may not be his #1 priority but it is pretty darn important.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wonder if he's been reading about women who really need to taken by an alpha man to get excited, you know all the Shades of Grey crap... And that's why he was so aggressive with you?

His touching you is also something that many sites talk about as a way to turn up the sexual response in your spouse. Unfortunately you hate being touched.

He's obviously try. He's desperate for a physical relationship and he is trying to enage you , his wife and partner.

From his view he is trapped in a no win situation. He wants to be with his wife and be a good faithful husband, but you do not want sex,or even to be touched by him.

If you are unwilling to seek help to find out why you reject what most people need to feel happy and loved, then you should divorce him and let him be free to find true love.

He won't like it,he made a commitment to you for life and he will feel guilty and horrible for getting divorced because he needs a loving affectionate wife, but if you are unwilling to find out why you despise affection, then you both are putting each other through hell.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sometimes we say things and do things for people we love without realizing just how tough it will be to follow through with what we've said/promised.
> 
> He's a young man.Sex may not be his #1 priority but it is pretty darn important.


I'm able to follow through on my part. He seemed to make it like it wasn't a big deal to him so maybe he wasn't being truthful.  He's usually the type person to say what he means though.

He told me recently it used to be his #1 but now he sees there's more to life than just sex. I took that as.. I'm doing a good job in keeping him happy so keep up the 2-3 times a week. Maybe I'm misreading it?


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I have NOT disrespected him. He was fully aware of how I was. I flat out said.. I don't mind giving you pleasure if I receive pleasure in other areas of life.. ie: intellectual conversations, going out to dinner, laughing, sight seeing. He smiled and said " that works for me."


JenTee, if your husband took you on knowing how you felt, then I suspect he hoped you would grow out of it. Very little else explains his behavior now. I stand by my advice to get divorced. Cuz it will never. ever. get. better as long as you remain asexual. If you see no change in that, then it's best to cut ties.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I have NOT disrespected him. He was fully aware of how I was. I flat out said.. I don't mind giving you pleasure if I receive pleasure in other areas of life.. ie: intellectual conversations, going out to dinner, laughing, sight seeing. He smiled and said " that works for me."


I wonder if at the time he said that he realized that it really meant.

YOu compared giving sex to him as equivalent to him going shopping with you. He does not like the shopping but he does it because it's what you want.

But you see, to be fully statisfying sex must be passionate for both parties. To have someone just service you for sex is actually very hurtful over time. Most men and women could not take that for very long at all.

You apparently cannot help the way you feel about sex. He cannot help that he has a normal sex drive and wants a partner who is actually engaged in the love making. Without both parties being into the love making, the one who is starts to feel reject and even like their partner finds them replusive. It's extremely hurtful.

However he has now crossed the line into being abusive. Maybe it's his strange way of trying to handle the rejection. Maybe he did not realize how hurtful it would be. But now things are not good. He is mistreating you and has been basically assualting you.

It would not be healthy for him to try to learn to live with a woman who has no sex drive. He has a strong sex drive.

So divorce is probably your only mentally healthy option here. Then you can find an asexual or near asexual man to be in a relationship with. And he can find a woman who has a high sex driving. Having matching sex drives is extremely important in marriage.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I wonder if he's been reading about women who really need to taken by an alpha man to get excited, you know all the Shades of Grey crap... And that's why he was so aggressive with you?
> 
> His touching you is also something that many sites talk about as a way to turn up the sexual response in your spouse. Unfortunately you hate being touched.
> 
> ...


We've talked about Fifty Shades of Crap and how we think it's a crock of nonsense (no offense, just my/our opinion). So I doubt that has anything to do with it.

He has always known I'm the opposite.. the less you touch me, the more open I'll be to sex.

I will have to strongly disagree with you about seeking help. I am asexual. You can't tell a gay man to go to counseling to figure out why he doesn't touch women. This is sort of like that if you get what I'm saying? It's a sexual orientation. You cannot just make it go away. I have always been fine with compromise so we can both meet in the middle and be happy.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'm able to follow through on my part. He seemed to make it like it wasn't a big deal to him so maybe he wasn't being truthful.  He's usually the type person to say what he means though.
> 
> He told me recently it used to be his #1 but now he sees there's more to life than just sex. I took that as.. I'm doing a good job in keeping him happy so keep up the 2-3 times a week. Maybe I'm misreading it?


In my opinion you should be appauled for how you have handled sex in the marriage. To be asexual and still have sex a few times a week is impressive. 

I still think you were wrong to get marrried, but inside the marriage you have put forth a lot of effort to provide for your husband despite your adversion to doing so.

I do agree that divorce may be a very real option for you. Firstly, your husband is getting physically abusive. It might be a desperate move by him to be 50-Shades-of-Grey-ish, but whatever it was, it was abusive. That is a worrying issue that may continue and if it does, will likely only get worse. Secondly, your husband is a sexual man. If sex is important to him now, it will be in five years, and in 50 years. Do you really want to 'endure' sex two times a week for 50 years? That's 5,200 sexual episodes you'll have to 'endure.' 

Getting divorced and finding a live in roommate may work out better for you.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Zzyzx said:


> JenTee, if your husband took you on knowing how you felt, then I suspect he hoped you would grow out of it. Very little else explains his behavior now. I stand by my advice to get divorced. Cuz it will never. ever. get. better as long as you remain asexual. If you see no change in that, then it's best to cut ties.
> 
> Good luck.


I see your point but he asked me a few years ago if I thought it would change and I told him absolutely not... no chance. I couldn't have made it any more clear. He had been with me around 7-8 years at that point so I think common sense would tell him I've been that way 7-8 years so why would it change now.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JenTee said:


> He has always known I'm the opposite.. the less you touch me, the more open I'll be to sex.


You may want to revisit that thought, considering how much butt pinching, sexual touching and now violent agressive behavoiur you've alluded to in this thread. I think he doesn't take you seriously at all regarding touch, or he's passive agressively (and now just agressively) acting out his frustration on the matter.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JenTee, if you really want to stay married to him, have you discussed the concept of an open marriage?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> In my opinion you should be appauled for how you have handled sex in the marriage. To be asexual and still have sex a few times a week is impressive.
> 
> I still think you were wrong to get marrried, but inside the marriage you have put forth a lot of effort to provide for your husband despite your adversion to doing so.
> 
> ...


Thanks!  I was 100% into making this work and putting in effort.

I wouldn't have an issue enduring all of that is the disrespect stopped. I could handle it just fine. I have no issue giving in this marriage. I just feel I should have the right to my own body and not have someone touch me if I say to stop. Aside from that and the aggressive episode.. I would be okay with it.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> You may want to revisit that thought, considering how much butt pinching, sexual touching and now violent agressive behavoiur you've alluded to in this thread. I think he doesn't take you seriously at all regarding touch, or he's passive agressively (and now just agressively) acting out his frustration on the matter.


Most of the time he seems to find it hysterical to make me angry. He laughs. It's almost like an immature 5 year old.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> JenTee, if you really want to stay married to him, have you discussed the concept of an open marriage?


Neither of us would be ok with that. Not him and not I.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I see your point but he asked me a few years ago if I thought it would change and I told him absolutely not... no chance. I couldn't have made it any more clear. He had been with me around 7-8 years at that point so I think common sense would tell him I've been that way 7-8 years so why would it change now.


The reason it would change now is becuase 7 years ago he was 18 (assuming he's your same age). At 18 few people realize what they will be like at 25 or 30 etc.

Just like you think that people need to accept your being asexual, you have to accept that he is a man who is maturing to have the sex drive of a full grown man.

The human brain does not finish developing until a person is 26.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The reason it would change now is becuase 7 years ago he was 18 (assuming he's your same age). At 18 few people realize what they will be like at 25 or 30 etc.
> 
> Just like you think that people need to accept your being asexual, you have to accept that he is a man who is maturing to have the sex drive of a full grown man.
> 
> The human brain does not finish developing until a person is 26.


I do accept that but he has told me the opposite. He's told me his drive has decreased.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I have NOT disrespected him. He was fully aware of how I was. I flat out said.. I don't mind giving you pleasure if I receive pleasure in other areas of life.. ie: intellectual conversations, going out to dinner, laughing, sight seeing. He smiled and said " that works for me."


No he was not "fully aware" of the reality of asexuality, regardless of what he said, what he promised, or what he thought he could handled.

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that most people are woefully ignorant when it comes to asexuality as a real identity. They either have never heard of it, or even if they do, they don't really believe in it. It is arguably least understood, least discussed sexual identity.

Many people involved with asexuals believe that they will be the exception to the rule, or that the person isn't really devoid of sexual attraction, they just haven't outgrown it yet. This is very common.

So, fair or not, the burden of making sound, rational, intelligent decisions about relationships falls almost solely on the asexual person. That is why the vast majority of asexuals need to be realistic and not get involved in relationships with sexual people. Even agreeing to offer sexual favors in exchange for non-sexual activities, and respect, is a horrendous set up that will eventually collapse. It's like marrying a starving person, an walking around with trays full of food all day long that you only reluctantly allow them to sample, begrudgingly. Eventually their hunger will take over.

You should never, ever have agreed to marry this man, and he should never have agree to marry you. Ever. It was going to be torturous for you both from day one. You both made a very selfish decision, and you need to end this marriage because it will only get worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Most of the time he seems to find it hysterical to make me angry. He laughs. It's almost like an immature 5 year old.


What he is doing is being aggressive. It's actually a form of passive aggression. It sounds like he’s not comfortable challenging you openly on the asexual part. So he’s ‘kidding around’ and being ‘funny’ but grabbing you in public, etc. After all how could you possibly be upset with him if he is just kidding around and teasing you?

The fact that he’s doing this in a sexual manner to me says it’s your lack to responsiveness to his sexuality that he’s upset with.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The reason it would change now is becuase 7 years ago he was 18 (assuming he's your same age). At 18 few people realize what they will be like at 25 or 30 etc.
> 
> Just like you think that people need to accept your being asexual, you have to accept that he is a man who is maturing to have the sex drive of a full grown man.
> 
> The human brain does not finish developing until a person is 26.


It wasn't 7-8 years ago, it was after 7-8 years together. He'd have been 22-23 then. Not much better, but I agree with the OP, if she hadn't changed at all in 7-8 years, what in the world did he think would change in another 7-8 years?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> No he was not "fully aware" of the reality of asexuality, regardless of what he said, what he promised, or what he thought he could handled.
> 
> The unfortunate fact of the matter is that most people are woefully ignorant when it comes to asexuality as a real identity. They either have never heard of it, or even if they do, they don't really believe in it. It is arguably least understood, least discussed sexual identity.
> 
> ...


You are SO right. People are far more accepting towards the fact of someone being homosexual rather than asexual. I always get the old "You haven't had the right partner yet." spiel. 

I do see what you're saying. This is a huge reason I waited 7-8 years before getting married. I'm fine with compromise and he seemed to be also. I do think that many people would view 2-3 times a week as an above average sex life for married couples. I have also failed to mention that sometimes HE is not in the mood for sex...because he's tired, not feeling well or just too lazy. I always initiate it as well.. he never does. Not that I would turn him down a lot or ever have.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Your husband knew who and what you were all about before he married you. You were honest and open and your behavior has been consistent for your entire relationship. You've done nothing wrong IMO. Your just being you.

Maybe he thought he could change you or maybe he thought he could live that way. He must have loved you very much to still have wanted marriage with no passion or desire... I know I couldn't do it.

His 'assault' on you shows the level of his frustration and resentment. While i understand it somewhat, it's totally unacceptable for him to frighten and try to force himself on you. 

Has this been discussed? It was abusive and must never ever happen again. You need to feel safe in your home...with your husband.

So what now OP? Can you both live like this for the rest of your lives? That's (hopefully) a really really long time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you rarely turn him down and are always initiating, don't you think that is giving a conflicting message to your husband regarding you being asexual? Maybe tell him he has to initiate in the future, at least most of the time?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What he is doing is being aggressive. It's actually a form of passive aggression. It sounds like he’s not comfortable challenging you openly on the asexual part. So he’s ‘kidding around’ and being ‘funny’ but grabbing you in public, etc. After all how could you possibly be upset with him if he is just kidding around and teasing you?
> 
> The fact that he’s doing this in a sexual manner to me says it’s your lack to responsiveness to his sexuality that he’s upset with.


That sounds very very likely. I never thought of that before. He irritates me purposely with other things too and laughs. Dumb things like turning the TV up loud and pressing the gas pedal hard to get a reaction from me. He just finds it amusing..but I don't.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I am 25 and have been married for close to two years. I was always aware I was repulsed by sex and any touching whatsoever. My husband has always been FULLY aware of it as well. I've never made any secret of it or pretended I was into things when I really wasn't. I had never heard of asexuality until recently but now it all makes sense. I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral. I hate it so much but I do it anyway. Regular sex feels like rape to me. I've never had any sexual abuse of any sort in my past. Sex is always painful and makes me feel gross. I have no desire ever...never have. I'm not gay either. I am even more repulsed by females.
> 
> The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen. I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place. I feel so so humiliated. I even said many times.. do it at home (I'd still hate it), not in public. However, he says okay but never listens to me. I'm not sure what to do. He did this today. I am tired of being "careful" about what I wear. Meaning, not wearing tight fitting clothes because he won't stop touching me. It makes me cry sometimes. If I express how I feel and cry about it, I get ragefully yelled at. So I keep it inside.. I go into the lavatory and cry. How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse. While I was driving today he started grabbing at my chest. I told him to quit it. He started saying " They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them." When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally.
> 
> ...



Knowing that sex is part of marriage, why did you got married? You can not realistically think that your husband would be satisfied just by holding your hand?
Have you ever consider therapy?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> It wasn't 7-8 years ago, it was after 7-8 years together. He'd have been 22-23 then. Not much better, but I agree with the OP, if she hadn't changed at all in 7-8 years, what in the world did he think would change in another 7-8 years?


That's what I'm saying. There's no possible way I could've been more clear and more direct.. plus waiting an ample amount of time. He could've left whenever he wanted and chose not to. Same as I could but I had no issues with the sex to satisfy his need.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> But you see, to be fully statisfying sex must be passionate for both parties. To have someone just service you for sex is actually very hurtful over time. Most men and women could not take that for very long at all.


Ele hit the nail on the head. I think the duty sex you are "enduring" is hurting him a lot and this touching and groping and forceful stuff that he is doing is his way of hurting you back.

I know you think you are doing some kind of good deed. But it just doesn't work that way. It's not like going shopping. I believe that you are asexual because a straight person would never make that analogy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> In my opinion you should be appauled for how you have handled sex in the marriage. To be asexual and still have sex a few times a week is impressive.


I don't agree with this. It's like a gay man coming on here and saying that he's endured sex with his wife for years, 2-3 times a week. I highly doubt you'd get too many people saying "I applaud you for putting up with that vag for so long! Good for you!".


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Your husband knew who and what you were all about before he married you. You were honest and open and your behavior has been consistent for your entire relationship. You've done nothing wrong IMO. Your just being you.
> 
> Maybe he thought he could change you or maybe he thought he could live that way. He must have loved you very much to still have wanted marriage with no passion or desire... I know I couldn't do it.
> 
> ...


Thanks!

There are passions.. but not on a sexual level. For example.. a non sexual back rub for me is very stimulating in a way. Nothing is ever sexual though.

No, I was and still am really afraid to bring it up. I've sort of swept it under the rug (I know this is 100% WRONG). I fear the argument we will have. He does have some rage issues (always has even before me.) but he's never hit me or anything other than the situation I described. I wouldn't say I feel like it's going to happen again but I am afraid of his angry side.

I'm not sure. I suppose I will try to get the message across in more of a firm way although, that may be difficult.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I don't agree with this. It's like a gay man coming on here and saying that he's endured sex with his wife for years, 2-3 times a week. I highly doubt you'd get too many people saying "I applaud you for putting up with that vag for so long! Good for you!".


:iagree: :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> It wasn't 7-8 years ago, it was after 7-8 years together. He'd have been 22-23 then. Not much better, but I agree with the OP, if she hadn't changed at all in 7-8 years, what in the world did he think would change in another 7-8 years?


All I can think of is that he was an immature young man who did not realize that things would not change.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I don't agree with this. It's like a gay man coming on here and saying that he's endured sex with his wife for years, 2-3 times a week. I highly doubt you'd get too many people saying "I applaud you for putting up with that vag for so long! Good for you!".


I think they were saying the are impressed with my continued dedication and effort. That's how I took it anyway.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Memento said:


> Knowing that sex is part of marriage, why did you got married? You can not realistically think that your husband would be satisfied just by holding your hand?
> Have you ever consider therapy?


As I said, asexuality is not a disorder or a disease. It's a sexual orientation. Therapists can't wish it away. 

If you read, I did know sex is part of a marriage and I was willing to do it and fine with it. The grabbing and physical restraint was my issue.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I don't agree with this. It's like a gay man coming on here and saying that he's endured sex with his wife for years, 2-3 times a week. I highly doubt you'd get too many people saying "I applaud you for putting up with that vag for so long! Good for you!".


You don't have to agree. I'd also point out that gay man, like I pointed out to the OP here, that it was foolish to get married in the first place and that he shouldn't have done. But the fact is the gay guy got married and put forward the best effort possible to make it work on all fronts and that should be applauded.

I slam the decision to get married the same as you do Jaquen, but I won't slam the effort to make it work.



EleGirl said:


> All I can think of is that he was an immature young man who did not realize that things would not change.


Exactly.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I think they were saying the are impressed with my continued dedication and effort. That's how I took it anyway.


Well put.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if at the time he said that he realized that it really meant.
> 
> YOu compared giving sex to him as equivalent to him going shopping with you. He does not like the shopping but he does it because it's what you want.
> 
> ...



What she said. Your husband likely didn't know to what he was agreeing years ago, and is now at the end of his rope (and acting inappropriately, just to be clear).

The two of you need to separate before you have children or live long enough together to regret the time spent. You're asexual, and you're not going to change because it's clear from your responses that you have no interest in ever becoming sexual. 

I very, very rarely say things with absolute certainty, but your marriage is doomed. Don't drag it out needlessly.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

JenTee said:


> As I said, asexuality is not a disorder or a disease. It's a sexual orientation. Therapists can't wish it away.
> 
> If you read, I did know sex is part of a marriage and I was willing to do it and fine with it. The grabbing and physical restraint was my issue.


No, your issue is that your are nonsexual and your husband is not. And that is a monumental problem!
My guess is he thought he could change you. He cant! And he is getting increasingly frustrated and angry.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I do see what you're saying. This is a huge reason I waited 7-8 years before getting married. I'm fine with compromise and he seemed to be also.


Regardless of how he seemed, he is not fine with the compromise. At all. He is a sexual person who is becoming angry, frustrated, and is totally rebelling against your sexual reality.

JenTee, you need to STOP listening to what he says. You are clinging desperately to his words in the hopes that you'll find some kind of compromise, or common ground. I guarantee you that you will not. Expecting your husand's sex drive to decrease is akin to expecting yourself to wake up one day and start craving sex. 



JenTee said:


> I do think that many people would view 2-3 times a week as an above average sex life for married couples.


You are asexual, so this might be hard for you to get. Sex is about far more than the number of times you manually have it in any given week. Most people have sex not just for physical release, but even more so, emotional , and psychological, connection. They don't just want 2-3 times a week of duty sex.

Again, use the gay man as an analogy. How many women would be happy if their gay husband endured sex with them 2-3 times a week? And his answer to the complaint was "well we're having it more than a lot of married couples".

Who cares? He's still gay, he still does not fundamentally desire his wife, and the sex SUCKS because it's ultimately totally disconnected.

What advice would you give to that sexually starving woman who is married to the gay man, even if he gives her 2-3 sex sessions a week of totally disconnected sex?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Thanks!  I was 100% into making this work and putting in effort.
> 
> I wouldn't have an issue enduring all of that is the disrespect stopped. I could handle it just fine. I have no issue giving in this marriage. I just feel I should have the right to my own body and not have someone touch me if I say to stop. Aside from that and the aggressive episode.. I would be okay with it.


Very few people that I know are OK long term with a partner who is repainting the bedroom in their mind every single sexual episode. Just being there feels like a big compromise on your part, but it will never be a satisfying experience for a mate who is not asexual.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> What she said. Your husband likely didn't know to what he was agreeing years ago, and is now at the end of his rope (and acting inappropriately, just to be clear).
> 
> The two of you need to separate before you have children or live long enough together to regret the time spent. You're asexual, and you're not going to change because it's clear from your responses that you have no interest in ever becoming sexual.
> 
> I very, very rarely say things with absolute certainty, but your marriage is doomed. Don't drag it out needlessly.


He's nice many other times.. just as always. That's where the confusion comes in and I'm not sure what to do.

We will never have children, that's something we have always been adamant about.

Just so you know.. it's not an option to become sexual anymore than it is an option for you to become gay or straight (I don't know your orientation so please don't be offended). Also, if you think I haven't tried to get into sex a billion times, you're wrong. You can try to no avail and it's just not how you are. You cannot force yourself to feel a certain way. I cannot force my husband to be indifferent to sex and I'd never suggest or even think of that. It's just how he is- a sexual person.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I most certainly don't have autism or asperger's. I do have anxiety and depression. I have seen therapists many times with no results.
> 
> I have, a few times.. but I really didn't care either way about it. I sort of thought "Ok that was sort of a waste of time." Also, I don't find ANYONE physically attractive. I do find personalities attractive but not in a sexual way.


Please don't be offended by my suggestion. High functioning autistics, and those with aspergers are often very brilliant people, with part of the brain turned off, so they don't relate to touch and communication as others do...I am not saying rain man, more like Temple Grandin...Please see 

My wife has depression and anxiety, but is also a very huggy person....

Temple Grandin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Please don't be offended by my suggestion. High functioning autistics, and those with aspergers are often very brilliant people, with part of the brain turned off, so they don't relate to touch and communication as others do...I am not saying rain man, more like Temple Grandin...Please see
> 
> My wife has depression and anxiety, but is also a very huggy person....
> 
> Temple Grandin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Oh no I wasn't offended!! 

I gotcha. I'll check out the link.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> He's nice many other times.. just as always. That's where the confusion comes in and I'm not sure what to do.
> 
> We will never have children, that's something we have always been adamant about.
> 
> Just so you know.. it's not an option to become sexual anymore than it is an option for you to become gay or straight (I don't know your orientation so please don't be offended). Also, if you think I haven't tried to get into sex a billion times, you're wrong. You can try to no avail and it's just not how you are. You cannot force yourself to feel a certain way. I cannot force my husband to be indifferent to sex and I'd never suggest or even think of that. It's just how he is- a sexual person.


You're just making my point for me. If you disliked sex but wanted to like it, there would be hope for progress. You have not and will never have any sexual interest, and that is utterly incompatible with a mate who is not asexual.

You can either end the marriage or open it up. I don't see any other reasonable choices.

Would an open marriage be unthinkable to you?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> You don't have to agree. I'd also point out that gay man, like I pointed out to the OP here, that it was foolish to get married in the first place and that he shouldn't have done. *But the fact is the gay guy got married and put forward the best effort possible to make it work on all fronts and that should be applauded.*


If you would honestly say the same thing to a gay man who came here and said that, then I totally take it back.

As long as there is no double standard in the view, since technically they are the same circumstances.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> You're just making my point for me. If you disliked sex but wanted to like it, there would be hope for progress. You have not and will never have any sexual interest, and that is utterly incompatible with a mate who is not asexual.
> 
> You can either end the marriage or open it up. I don't see any other reasonable choices.
> 
> Would an open marriage be unthinkable to you?


No, that would never be an option.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

JenTee said:


> No, that would never be an option.


You are depriving your husband of something that apparently he does not want to be deprived of. How exactly is your marriage supposed to work? By throwing him a bone, once in a while? And you feeling violated every time you have sexual contact with him? Is that the life you want for you and him?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If you would honestly say the same thing to a gay man who came here and said that, then I totally take it back.
> 
> As long as there is no double standard in the view, since technically they are the same circumstances.


I would. I think there are two issues of debate here; getting married and the marriage itself.

I don't think anyone should get married into a relationship that goes contray to their sexual beliefs, regardless of if you are gay, asexual, straight, etc. If you were someone who wanted to only engage in foursomes and were marrying someone who wanted a monogamous marriage I'd say the same thing -stay single or find someone who is like-minded.

That said, that's not what our OP did so since she committed herself to the marriage she should be required to give her best effort to the marraige, the same as all of us. I'd say that having sex 2-3 times a week is a good effort for an asexual person.

Btw JenTee, a couple of things. Firstly, 2-3 times a week is average to slightly above average for an average marriage. Secondly, I agree with what other posters have said, sex without passion isn't as fulfilling as you'd like and doesn't always meet the needs of one/both people. Sex isn't just about an orgasm, it's about closeness and emotional connection with your mate. If it was only about an orgasm, why would any man ever get married? We are born with two hands


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> No, that would never be an option.


15 minutes browsing the topics on this board should give you all the evidence in the world that even people who are in better situations than yourself ultimately become frustrated and resentful of a spouse with whom they are sexually incompatible. 

This is your future. He'll be here one day telling us about his 15 year marriage to an asexual woman and wondering if we think he should cheat or divorce.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Jen, pardon the question, but, do you masturbate or have you ever masturbated?

T


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

OP,
I think I have to agree with EG's assessment on this. Yes...your husband entered into this marriage having full disclosure about how you felt about sex. And I'm sure that he willingly went along with the situation due to a number of factors:


His love of you and wanting to be with you
The thought (especially to a young man) that as a married man he would have almost guaranteed sexual release several times a week (based on your committment to provide him that release regardless of how you felt about sex)
Deep down denial that you were truly asexual (yeah, she says that now but I'm sure she will change later on)
Lack of self-awareness that this could truly be a problem later on in life
Embarassment or denial of the possibility of standing up and saying "Nope, sorry but asexual feelings will not be compatible with my sexual drive."

As other posters have said, you should have never gotten married to begin with. However, once married, I too applaud your efforts at trying to please your husband despite your personal feelings. Despite your best efforts to accomodate him sexually, "duty" sex will hardly ever work out in the long run. As a young man, I'm sure all he could think about was "gettin' me some" and as long as you were willing to provide it 2-3 times a week, he was good. But with growing older comes at least a little bit more maturity (although that sounds a bit suspect in your husband's case). It sounds to me like with that aging process, your husband has made an unconcious assessment of the current state of the relationship and he doesn't like what he sees. He sees/hears/reads about other couples where the wife is passionate and reciprocates the lust from her husband. I'm thinking that deep down he is now wishing that he could have that in his life. 
He intellectually knows that he went into the marriage knowing your stance on marriage. Therefore, he can't openly come to you and now say "I want you to be more sexual". He knows that will not fly and will fall on deaf ears, even though it is likely what he wants to say. He also doesn't want to come off looking like an idiot for asking for something that he knows full well he can't have. So instead, he (likely without even realizing it) acts out in a passive agressive manner and does stupid stuff like the incident you described. 
Obviously, all of this is opinion based soley on what I am reading here. You sound like a very nice person in a bad situation. Your husband also sounds like he might be a nice guy even if he is a bit immature and has an anger problem (he needs help with that). Unfortunately, I do not see a happy ending (pun not intended) here. His likely resentment will continue to build and over time, it will destroy the marriage and possibly your lives. Unless something drastic changes (you all of a sudden becoming a lusty sex goddess or him taking depo privera shots), the duty sex that you provide him will eventually cease to be sufficient.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

OP deserves to be respected... Maybe the husband can accomplish that, maybe he can't.

OP's husband deserves a wife who will desire him romantically, not like a friend but like a woman who will ache with the desire to make love to him... The OP can never provide him with this...

Did he know this and still get married? Yes. Do people who know cigarettes are bad still smoke them? Yes.

OP, you are toxic to him whether he has chosen to damage himself of his own will or not. You, however, are sentient unlike a cigarette, and can choose not to damage him, allowing him to pursue a real romantic relationship with a heterosexual woman.

He's not the sharpest for thinking you'd change, but you're not the kindest for knowing that you won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I think it is worth noting that if the OP is asexual, then it isn't really reasonable of us to expect that she would understand how straight people think.

We need to be needed.

Her H is going to have to take some responsibility for knowing what his wife does and doesn't need.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

east2west said:


> I think it is worth noting that if the OP is asexual, then it isn't really reasonable of us to expect that she would understand how straight people think.
> 
> We need to be needed.
> 
> Her H is going to have to take some responsibility for knowing what his wife does and doesn't need.


Agreed, but drawing from this, does it matter debating whether her husband is able/willing to meet her needs if it is revealed to be certain she will never be able to meet his needs, despite his hopes that she would change or despite his illusion that duty sex would be fine by him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since you have no children, then get an annulment along with a job so you may live your life anyway you wish.
He can then find a normal woman who might just appreciate the actions you abhor.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

hookares said:


> Since you have no children, then get an annulment along with a job so you may live your life anyway you wish.
> He can then find a normal woman who might just appreciate the actions you abhor.


Wait... Was it posted somewhere that the OP doesn't have a job? Is the husband's the sole income?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Wait... Was it posted somewhere that the OP doesn't have a job? Is the husband's the sole income?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't see mention of it if she as one. In any event, once she is rid of him, she'll likely need a second one if she does in order to make up for any contributions she has grown accustom to having him provide.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

hookares said:


> I didn't see mention of it if she as one. In any event, once she is rid of him, she'll likely need a second one if she does in order to make up for any contributions she has grown accustom to having him provide.


My bad... Though it wasn't posted, I'd really like to know now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

hookares said:


> Since you have no children, then get an annulment along with a job so you may live your life anyway you wish.
> He can then find a normal woman who might just appreciate the actions you abhor.


As a lady who LOVES sex in all its forms and gets freaky-deaky on a regular basis, I don't think many women would like to be held down and groped by their husband, especially with a migraine. He certainly crossed the line with his actions there.

OP, I don't think there is anything WRONG with you, but can you really please and fulfill your husband? On top of that, you might eventually harbor resentment over having to share your body in a way that you find unpleasant. 

You say an open marriage is out of the question, which I understand. What other solutions have you guys discussed?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> My bad... Though it wasn't posted, I'd really like to know now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband works but I receive money from the state due to my physical condition (nothing that would have any affect on sex). I also have a trust fund which is more than enough for the rest of my life. (Please don't take that as bragging as I am not that sort of person.) I would be a-ok financially so that's no issue for either of us.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> 15 minutes browsing the topics on this board should give you all the evidence in the world that even people who are in better situations than yourself ultimately become frustrated and resentful of a spouse with whom they are sexually incompatible.
> 
> This is your future. He'll be here one day telling us about his 15 year marriage to an asexual woman and wondering if we think he should cheat or divorce.


Correct! However, I am yet to see (maybe I haven't looked enough) a situation where the husband or wife was direct and upfront about the sexual issues. The typical thing I see is people who were married and then it came as a surprise. There were no surprises here. That's where I think my situation differs.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Correct! However, I am yet to see (maybe I haven't looked enough) a situation where the husband or wife was direct and upfront about the sexual issues. The typical thing I see is people who were married and then it came as a surprise. There were no surprises here. That's where I think my situation differs.


That doesn't matter Jen. You think it does, but it really never will matter. Your husband assumed he knew what he was getting himself into, but he was dead wrong. Saying that there were "no surprises" isn't going to make your husband's natural, healthy need for sex disappear anymore than it's going to suddenly make you desire sex.

Please, please listen to the advice on here. You two are still very young, and you have no children. Thanks to a generous trust, you don't have to worry about the financial implications of being on your own. It can be a relatively clean break for the two of you. You guys need to end this madness now before there is far more pain, anger, resentment, and heartbreak, because that is where you are headed.

Better to divorce or annul now in your 20's, than in your 40's or older after he's cheated on you, or worse, raped you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Correct! However, I am yet to see (maybe I haven't looked enough) a situation where the husband or wife was direct and upfront about the sexual issues. The typical thing I see is people who were married and then it came as a surprise. There were no surprises here. That's where I think my situation differs.


You have the words he spoke years ago vs. the actions he's taken recently.

Which do you think is a better reflection of reality? If it makes you feel better to know you did the right thing being honest and up front, and that he made the mistake, then by all means just about everyone probably agrees with you.

You cannot ignore reality or wish it away.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Does the question about whether you ever stimulate yourself sexually complicate your claim to asexuality, or do you just not want to answer it?

T


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Does the question about whether you ever stimulate yourself sexually complicate your claim to asexuality, or do you just not want to answer it?
> 
> T


Do you masturbate to gay porn?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> As a lady who LOVES sex in all its forms and gets freaky-deaky on a regular basis, I don't think many women would like to be held down and groped by their husband, especially with a migraine. He certainly crossed the line with his actions there.
> 
> OP, I don't think there is anything WRONG with you, but can you really please and fulfill your husband? On top of that, you might eventually harbor resentment over having to share your body in a way that you find unpleasant.
> 
> You say an open marriage is out of the question, which I understand. What other solutions have you guys discussed?


I'd be willing to up the sex to 4-5 times a week if that would make it better. I have asked him again and again if he's happy with the frequency and quality of the sex. Each time he looks at me with honest eyes and tells me yes and asks why I keep bringing it up. I've told him well you do grab me a lot and he will say something like .. Yea because I want to. :/ I've even asked if me not being into sex as much as he is bothers him. Every time he says "As long as we do it I don't care." A lot of times he's even said he wanted the sex but wanted to get finished quickly to get back to his movie or video game. That's a regular occurrence. It made me think we were compatible because more than half the time he wanted it but just wanted to orgasm and get back to whatever he was doing. He's still that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Does the question about whether you ever stimulate yourself sexually complicate your claim to asexuality, or do you just not want to answer it?
> 
> T


Sorry I didn't see your question. I'm on my phone now. I have stimulated myself and I really got nothing from it. Once I was done I felt it was a waste of time. I couldn't understand why people care one way or another about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Do you masturbate to gay porn?


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> You have the words he spoke years ago vs. the actions he's taken recently.
> 
> Which do you think is a better reflection of reality? If it makes you feel better to know you did the right thing being honest and up front, and that he made the mistake, then by all means just about everyone probably agrees with you.
> 
> You cannot ignore reality or wish it away.


I'm not a quitter and I'd rather work on it than just give up. We are compatible on many other levels. I do know that there's noway at this point that my husband would want a divorce. Truthfully, we get along great aside from the grabbing. I will admit that I do keep things inside more than I should due to his anger issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> No
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was addressed to Tony55, not you.

It was an attempt to get him to understand that asking an asexual person if they masturbate is akin to asking a _completely_ heterosexual person if they masturbate to gay pornography. No, because it doesn't compute in either sexual identities.

I think people need to stop asking asexuals things like "Do you masturbate", "Do you think you can get over this", or saying "You need a counselor", or other things that are actually pretty ignorant.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That was addressed to Tony55, not you.
> 
> It was an attempt to get him to understand that asking an asexual person if they masturbate is akin to asking a _completely_ heterosexual person if they masturbate to gay pornography. No, because it doesn't compute in either sexual identities.
> 
> I think people need to stop asking asexuals things like "Do you masturbate", "Do you think you can get over this", or saying "You need a counselor", or other things that are actually pretty ignorant.


Oh sorry my phone doesn't display everything! 

I agree. People don't understand asexuality and assume I am psychologically screwed or that I am actually a lesbian. Neither of those things are true. Asexuality is it's own orientation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi OP,

Are you an affectionate person? Do you cuddle with your husband and kiss and hold hands, sleep in same bed, etc?


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'd be willing to up the sex to 4-5 times a week if that would make it better. I have asked him again and again if he's happy with the frequency and quality of the sex. Each time he looks at me with honest eyes and tells me yes and asks why I keep bringing it up. I've told him well you do grab me a lot and he will say something like .. Yea because I want to. :/ I've even asked if me not being into sex as much as he is bothers him. Every time he says "As long as we do it I don't care." A lot of times he's even said he wanted the sex but wanted to get finished quickly to get back to his movie or video game. That's a regular occurrence. It made me think we were compatible because more than half the time he wanted it but just wanted to orgasm and get back to whatever he was doing. He's still that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he is not being truthfull or just dosn't realise that a life of indifferent sex for the person who loves you will build resentment and thats what destroys marriages.

Not many men ...unless their gay or asexual want to be married to some one who os asexual.

time to move on for both of your happiness!

good luck but don't be suprised when you finally meet some one who brings out your sexuality! you just haven't met them yet.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> Are you an affectionate person? Do you cuddle with your husband and kiss and hold hands, sleep in same bed, etc?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> Are you an affectionate person? Do you cuddle with your husband and kiss and hold hands, sleep in same bed, etc?


No, I'm not very affectionate. Never have been. My husband sees this as normal because his mother is the same way. That's never been an issue. I won't push him away if he hugs me or anything but not too touchy feely. I do ask him for hugs often and we hold hands all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'm not a quitter and I'd rather work on it than just give up. We are compatible on many other levels. I do know that there's noway at this point that my husband would want a divorce. Truthfully, we get along great aside from the grabbing. I will admit that I do keep things inside more than I should due to his anger issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not my place to counsel you on what you should or should not do, other than to warn you that you should be prepared for failure regardless of your intentions. 

IMHO, your marriage is a very long shot for long term success. Be honest and frank with yourself and your husband, including putting under the microscope every aspect of your hopes and aspirations for the future of your relationship. Your particular challenges do not allow for guesswork or assumptions.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

sweaty teddy said:


> he is not being truthfull or just dosn't realise that a life of indifferent sex for the person who loves you will build resentment and thats what destroys marriages.
> 
> Not many men ...unless their gay or asexual want to be married to some one who os asexual.
> 
> ...


It's possible he's not being truthful however, that will be the first time that he's not upfront about his feeling.

No, I'm sorry but you're not understanding. It doesn't matter who the person is, I will never be sexual. Just as some guys will never like women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

If it's something he used too, then it might be okay. It astounds me that some people just aren't affectionate but they do exist.

Does he really believe you are asexual? I mean, you do have sex with him and oftenish, so maybe in his mind, he just thinks you're messing with him. Like you're the rule and he's the exception. Sort of how he messes with you with the groping and driving fast.

It's not like you just lay there like a real doll. You move and make noises, so you're body is saying one thing while your mouth says something else? Which do you think he believes?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I have stimulated myself and I really got nothing from it. Once I was done I felt it was a waste of time. I couldn't understand why people care one way or another about it.


So after you stimulated yourself and got nothing from it, you never did it again?

Is it safe to say that, aside from the time you mentioned, you never masturbate, ever?

T


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm just curious, why would you be against an open marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> If it's something he used too, then it might be okay. It astounds me that some people just aren't affectionate but they do exist.
> 
> Does he really believe you are asexual? I mean, you do have sex with him and oftenish, so maybe in his mind, he just thinks you're messing with him. Like you're the rule and he's the exception. Sort of how he messes with you with the groping and driving fast.
> 
> It's not like you just lay there like a real doll. You move and make noises, so you're body is saying one thing while your mouth says something else? Which do you think he believes?


I think from previous talks we've had throughout the years that he knows I don't enjoy sex but also knows I give it to him out of love. He's said stuff before such as "Well you do it because you love me so much and you know I enjoy it." Which is absolutely correct. So I figured we were on the same page.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I think from previous talks we've had throughout the years that he knows I don't enjoy sex but also knows I give it to him out of love. He's said stuff before such as "Well you do it because you love me so much and you know I enjoy it." Which is absolutely correct. So I figured we were on the same page.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think that's kind of sweet. But I think he got a wrong idea from you somehow. He wouldn't do something to you he knew he wouldn't get away with, and for some reason, he thought he could get away with doing that horrible assault on you.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

prettynothing said:


> I think that's kind of sweet. But I think he got a wrong idea from you somehow. He wouldn't do something to you he knew he wouldn't get away with, and for some reason, he thought he could get away with doing that horrible assault on you.


I agree. I have no idea why he did that. It was bizarre.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Do you masturbate to gay porn?


I'm not sure what your point is Jaquen, can you explain it?

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Sorry I didn't see your question. I'm on my phone now. I have stimulated myself and I really got nothing from it. Once I was done I felt it was a waste of time. I couldn't understand why people care one way or another about it.


This whole thing about being asexual probably has something to do with your body not producing hormones and brain chemicals the way most people do.

For most people, when they save sex (or masterbate) they get a rush of chemicals that go throught their bodies and brains that make a person feel very very good. Like taking a really good drug. The after affect can last for hours if not days.

When people are having sex, it's not just the orgasm that causes the chemicals to flow... it's also watching your partner's level of excitement and causing more excitement in your partner. It's the touch, the feel, the smell... everything enhances this.

That's apparently what you are missing. Since you don't get that you cannot understand.

It's kinda like being served a great chololate cake that once you take a bite tastes like sawdust....


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

JenTee said:


> :/ I've even asked if me not being into sex as much as he is bothers him. Every time he says "As long as we do it I don't care."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just don't think he's being honest with himself. His resentment is starting to show.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jen,

Do you know if he has watched any porn?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This whole thing about being asexual probably has something to do with your body not producing hormones and brain chemicals the way most people do.
> 
> For most people, when they save sex (or masterbate) they get a rush of chemicals that go throught their bodies and brains that make a person feel very very good. Like taking a really good drug. The after affect can last for hours if not days.
> 
> ...


Thank you! That's a great explanation!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Jen,
> 
> Do you know if he has watched any porn?


Yes, he always has. I've never minded. We talk about it. It's no big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This whole thing about being asexual probably has something to do with your body not producing hormones and brain chemicals the way most people do.
> 
> For most people, when they save sex (or masterbate) they get a rush of chemicals that go throught their bodies and brains that make a person feel very very good. Like taking a really good drug. The after affect can last for hours if not days.
> 
> ...


Reminds me of the episode of House where the patient claims to be asexual but it turns out that he has a tumor near his pituitary gland inhibiting the production of hormones.

Not to expose too much of my ignorance about asexuals, but have you ever seen a doctor or had any tests done for conditions that might kill your sex drive?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

You must understand that your duty sex will not suffice. Many of us with a LD wife have turned to frequent masturbation and porn. It works for a short time but becomes frustrating. He is frustrated. He may try to be stoic about it all, but he is crumbling. I cannot keep my hands off my wife, you cannot fault him for wanting to grope, fondle, squeeze, pat, rub and manhandle his wife. 

OP, after reading all your responses it is clear you are not internalizing anything anyone has been telling you. You may not like what we all have to say, but you asked. The current situation is not working for you or him. *YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIND A SOLUTION TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.*

One other dynamic I highly suspect is at work here is he is not leaving *because* of the trust fund. In these times I could see it being very hard to leave a situation of financial security. Is that what you want?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'd be willing to up the sex to 4-5 times a week if that would make it better. I have asked him again and again if he's happy with the frequency and quality of the sex. Each time he looks at me with honest eyes and tells me yes and asks why I keep bringing it up. I've told him well you do grab me a lot and he will say something like .. Yea because I want to. :/ I've even asked if me not being into sex as much as he is bothers him. Every time he says "As long as we do it I don't care." A lot of times he's even said he wanted the sex but wanted to get finished quickly to get back to his movie or video game. That's a regular occurrence. It made me think we were compatible because more than half the time he wanted it but just wanted to orgasm and get back to whatever he was doing. He's still that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe the next time he grabs you too roughly, you could take his hand and move it so he is stroking your thigh or arm gently, then reinforce it by saying "I love it when you touch me like this." That way he knows what is acceptable and he gets to touch you. 

Do you initiate any touches or kisses? Sorry if you answered this already. It may not JUST be the sex he is missing, but the kissing, touching, and affection. 

Have you checked out any asexual resources? I know there is a website with a forum on asexuality.org. You aren't the bad guy here, in fact, it is wonderful that you are trying so hard to meet his needs.  To me, that is what makes a marriage awesome, the willingness to fulfill your mate to the best of your ability.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

east2west said:


> Reminds me of the episode of House where the patient claims to be asexual but it turns out that he has a tumor near his pituitary gland inhibiting the production of hormones.
> 
> Not to expose too much of my ignorance about asexuals, but have you ever seen a doctor or had any tests done for conditions that might kill your sex drive?


Nope. It's not only a matter of no sex drive. I am also repulsed by it. I've felt this way my whole life. Since I was 11 or 12 at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> You must understand that your duty sex will not suffice. Many of us with a LD wife have turned to frequent masturbation and porn. It works for a short time but becomes frustrating. He is frustrated. He may try to be stoic about it all, but he is crumbling. I cannot keep my hands off my wife, you cannot fault him for wanting to grope, fondle, squeeze, pat, rub and manhandle his wife.
> 
> OP, after reading all your responses it is clear you are not internalizing anything anyone has been telling you. You may not like what we all have to say, but you asked. The current situation is not working for you or him. *YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIND A SOLUTION TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.*
> 
> One other dynamic I highly suspect is at work here is he is not leaving *because* of the trust fund. In these times I could see it being very hard to leave a situation of financial security. Is that what you want?


I'm not sure what you mean by not internalizing anything? 

That's an extremely inaccurate assumption to make. He has a VERY high paying job that fortunately requires minimal work and minimal stress. He doesn't need my money for a single thing not does he want it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Maybe the next time he grabs you too roughly, you could take his hand and move it so he is stroking your thigh or arm gently, then reinforce it by saying "I love it when you touch me like this." That way he knows what is acceptable and he gets to touch you.
> 
> Do you initiate any touches or kisses? Sorry if you answered this already. It may not JUST be the sex he is missing, but the kissing, touching, and affection.
> 
> Have you checked out any asexual resources? I know there is a website with a forum on asexuality.org. You aren't the bad guy here, in fact, it is wonderful that you are trying so hard to meet his needs.  To me, that is what makes a marriage awesome, the willingness to fulfill your mate to the best of your ability.


Thanks!!!  That's a great suggestion and I'm going to try that. I feel that there's a very good chance of that working. 

I do initiate hugs and give him some kisses. Not constantly but at least once a day.

I did join aven awhile back and the people were very close minded towards me. They didn't seem to approve of me trying to make it work. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*Jen is avoiding facing the truth, so I'll spell it out.*

She claims she tried stimulating herself, and didn't know what the big deal was. I asked if it's safe to say that she never masturbates.

She ignored the question. Why?

Because the answer doesn't suit her belief about herself. She masturbates, and when she does, she pictures something in her mind, we all do, and if she were to reveal the truth, that she does masturbate, then it follows that she will have to admit to what it is she imagines, and once she admits to imagining *something*, her claim to asexuality gets tossed out.

Whatever we imagine most often, when we masturbate, is what we are sexually; some people can't face that.

T


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *Jen is avoiding facing the truth, so I'll spell it out.*
> 
> She claims she tried stimulating herself, and didn't know what the big deal was. I asked if it's safe to say that she never masturbates.
> 
> ...


Stop being so rude. I didn't see your question. On my phone I can only see them if they are on the bottom of the page when I refresh it. I wasn't ignoring anything. Please stop making moronic assumptions about me. I have tried masturbating to straight porn. As I said, I just wasn't into it. I'm not sure why anyone would tell me I'm not facing the truth? What? I'm here typing out everything straight from my heart. I'm sorry you are unable to believe that people are asexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I'd also like to add, asexual DO masturbate. If you think I'm wrong go read a forum. You can be asexual and masturbate. I chose not to because it does nothing for me.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'd also like to add, asexual DO masturbate. If you think I'm wrong go read a forum. You can be asexual and masturbate. I chose not to because it does nothing for me.


And on that forum, what do those asexual people say they imagine when the masturbate? They must be picturing something in their mind, what is it they say they are thinking of?

T


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Tony55 said:


> *Jen is avoiding facing the truth, so I'll spell it out.*
> 
> She claims she tried stimulating herself, and didn't know what the big deal was. I asked if it's safe to say that she never masturbates.
> 
> ...


T - jen has answered this question...more than once...from several different angles.

She did give masturbating a go, didn't get any enjoyment from it...doesn't bother anymore.

Let it go dude!


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> And on that forum, what do those asexual people say they imagine when the masturbate? They must be picturing something in their mind, what is it they say they are thinking of?
> 
> T


It depends on the person. Some also watch porn. They get off on fantasies but don't want to make it a reality because they are repulsed. If you're interested you can search "asexuality forum" and you'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by not internalizing anything?
> 
> That's an extremely inaccurate assumption to make. He has a VERY high paying job that fortunately requires minimal work and minimal stress. He doesn't need my money for a single thing not does he want it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Definition of INTERNALIZE

: to give a subjective character to; specifically : to incorporate (as values or patterns of culture) within the self as conscious or subconscious guiding principles through learning or socialization
— in·ter·nal·i·za·tion noun
Examples of INTERNALIZE

They have internalized their parents' values.
First Known Use of INTERNALIZE

1884

I stand corrected regarding the trust fund. Are you happy? Do you want to be happy? It seems you want to make him happy..Alas you *cannot*. It seems like you are looking for a fairy tale. As has been stated by others. It does not matter what he says, look at his actions.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> T - jen has answered this question...more than once...from several different angles.
> 
> She did give masturbating a go, didn't get any enjoyment from it...doesn't bother anymore.
> Like most asexuals as far as i know.
> ...


Thank you. I really don't understand his hostility towards me and my sexuality. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> Definition of INTERNALIZE
> 
> : to give a subjective character to; specifically : to incorporate (as values or patterns of culture) within the self as conscious or subconscious guiding principles through learning or socialization
> — in·ter·nal·i·za·tion noun
> ...


I am happy other than the grabbing issue and the other incident I mentioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Tony...are you hiding in her bedroom?! 

Jen, kissing once a day is a start, now try making a point to do it 3 times a day. Because it may not naturally occur to do those things, you want to make it a habit. Rub his back or caress him while you are watching TV. How much time do you spend together without the TV, computer, cell phones or any other distractions?

After sex, hold his hand, cuddle and make it intimate. That whole get in and get out thing he does is NOT going to make sex pleasurable for you.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Tony...are you hiding in her bedroom?!
> 
> Jen, kissing once a day is a start, now try making a point to do it 3 times a day. Because it may not naturally occur to do those things, you want to make it a habit. Rub his back or caress him while you are watching TV. How much time do you spend together without the TV, computer, cell phones or any other distractions?
> 
> After sex, hold his hand, cuddle and make it intimate. That whole get in and get out thing he does is NOT going to make sex pleasurable for you.


Lol!

Thank you. Those are excellent ideas and I will make a point to do this. I think you're right. I should put fourth some more effort in certain aspects! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> It depends on the person. Some also watch porn. They get off on fantasies but don't want to make it a reality because they are repulsed. If you're interested you can search "asexuality forum" and you'll see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm well aware of the rare occurrence of what pop culture now describe as asexuality. I'm also aware of the dangers a young person my inadvertently put themselves in when they're too quick to own something that sounds right to them at the time, IE: cutting, asphyxiation, etc, etc.

You may or may not suffer from the phenomenon called asexuality, I don't know, I was trying to make that determination so I could try to help you with your marital problem. I'm here acting in good faith, I certainly have no reason to do otherwise. 

If you truly never masturbate, then there's a good chance you are asexual, and if so, you have a long hard burden ahead of you, one that you will probably want to talk with a professional about.

On the other hand, if you do secretly masturbate, and during that masturbation, you imagine something, anything, I don't care if it's imagining a door, then you're not asexual.

You're distressed because of your sexual relationship with your husband, you've come here for help; don't be too quick to make assumptions about someones intent. Some questions will strike a nerve, I understand that, but remember, it is you, who is asking us for help.

Your humble, moronic servant,
T


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> I'm well aware of the rare occurrence of what pop culture now describe as asexuality. I'm also aware of the dangers a young person my inadvertently put themselves in when they're too quick to own something that sounds right to them at the time, IE: cutting, asphyxiation, etc, etc.
> 
> You may or may not suffer from the phenomenon called asexuality, I don't know, I was trying to make that determination so I could try to help you with your marital problem. I'm here acting in good faith, I certainly have no reason to do otherwise.
> 
> ...


Yes, and my question was not whether I'm asexual or not or if I masturbate. That's not what I was asking for input on. You are incorrect. Asexual people DO have fantasies. I personally do not but many do. Once again, I am not "secretly masturbating". I have NO interest in that. I'm using the label "asexual" because for my whole life I was repulsed by sex, not into it, saw no point and all of that. I recently learned the term asexual and realized that's why I feel this way. It's not as rare as you're making it out to be. Many many people are in the closet or think they're mentally defective because of closed minded individuals telling them they cannot possibly hate sex. Well guess what? People viewed homosexuality the same way for many years and now it's recognized as a normal occurrence and is widely accepted. I'm not some singular weirdo that nobody relates to. Many people are asexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> Once I was done I felt it was a waste of time. I couldn't understand why people care one way or another about it.


You didnt get off then? There is NO WAY a person can have an orgasm and not feel SOMETHING about it...

You should see a doctor. The entire point of genetic life is to reproduce and evolve... Seriously... that is the ONE thing all genetic life strives for and has in common... 

Asexuality is NOT an orientation, its a disorder... and lucky you jen, we live in a time when this disorder can OFTEN be fixed.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> It's not as rare as you're making it out to be.


yes it is.


> Many many people are in the closet or think they're mentally defective because of closed minded individuals telling them they cannot possibly hate sex.


Hating sex and being asexual are not the same thing.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> You didnt get off then? There is NO WAY a person can have an orgasm and not feel SOMETHING about it...
> 
> You should see a doctor. The entire point of genetic life is to reproduce and evolve... Seriously... that is the ONE thing all genetic life strives for and has in common...
> 
> Asexuality is NOT an orientation, its a disorder... and lucky you jen, we live in a time when this disorder can OFTEN be fixed.


That's a very ignorant thing to say. It's not a disorder. Just because I'm different than you doesn't make me disordered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> That's a very ignorant thing to say.


 No, its an educated thing to say...



> It's not a disorder. Just because I'm different than you doesn't make me disordered.


You are pretending that all "differences" are equal... Sorry, but having no sex drive IS a disorder... a TREATABLE disorder... So why not see a doctor?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> No, its an educated thing to say...
> 
> You are pretending that all "differences" are equal... Sorry, but having no sex drive IS a disorder... a TREATABLE disorder... So why not see a doctor?


It is NOT a disorder. Go educate yourself instead of attacking my sexual orientation. Pure ignorance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Yes, he always has. I've never minded. We talk about it. It's no big deal.


The reason I asked if he watches porn is that something I've heard some men who have wives who do not really enjoy sex say. They have said that one of the reasons that they like to watch porn and get off on it so much is that the porn actresses appear to be so into the sex, so animated, so excited. 

I'm wondering if watching the porn is showing him something beyond your relationship.

If you lived in a world where all he knew about sex was what the two of you experience he might not be doing some of the things he's doing. But he lives in a world that has TV, movies, every kind of porn imaginable.. freely available. So he knows that there is more.

Porn affects what men expect from their partners quite a bit. I'm 63. When I was young oral sex was not the norm. Hardly anyone expected anal sex... it was even illegal in a lot of states. I'm sure that there are a lot of things that men get from porn that they then expect from their partner. 

Your husband could be similarly affected. 

A thought just came to mind. Could he be watching porn that is... well rape porn? Just a thought.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Don't know how to respond here. I dont understand how anybody can marry somebody who doesn't like sex. It's just a dumb move. Why propose to someone who won't be a proper wife? On the other hand...why agree to the proposal if you know you can't provide a basic component of marriage? 

I'm stuck here.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The reason I asked if he watches porn is that something I've heard some men who have wives who do not really enjoy sex say. They have said that one of the reasons that they like to watch porn and get off on it so much is that the porn actresses appear to be so into the sex, so animated, so excited.
> 
> I'm wondering if watching the porn is showing him something beyond your relationship.
> 
> ...


Very true! I do know he viewed porn regularly before we started dating (we were friends for 5 years prior). I've looked at the porn in his computer history and it has always appeared normal. He seems to watch the ones with girls that have large butts. That's the only common theme I've noticed lol. Never anything rape or creepy in any way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> It is NOT a disorder. Go educate yourself instead of attacking my sexual orientation. Pure ignorance!


Im suggesting you go see a doctor about your disorder... Asexuality is no more an orientation than Atheism is a religion...

That you are missing the ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR for all organic life is indicative to some mental or chemical problem... Just because there are others with your disorder( and no, people who are simply ashamed or disgusted by their sexual drive are NOT asexual) does not mean that it is not a disorder.

You tried masturbating and didnt get off... Your attitude towards sex seems to have stopped developing before/during puberty... 

I know Im not giving you the coddling that you wanted but seriously, have you seen a doctor about this? It could be the best thing that has ever happened to you.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

FryFish, with each of your posts like this, you're sounding more and more ignorant

Honestly



FryFish said:


> Im suggesting you go see a doctor about your disorder... Asexuality is no more an orientation than Atheism is a religion...
> 
> That you are missing the ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR for all organic life is indicative to some mental or chemical problem... Just because there are others with your disorder( and no, people who are simply ashamed or disgusted by their sexual drive are NOT asexual) does not mean that it is not a disorder.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> Im suggesting you go see a doctor about your disorder... Asexuality is no more an orientation than Atheism is a religion...
> 
> That you are missing the ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR for all organic life is indicative to some mental or chemical problem... Just because there are others with your disorder( and no, people who are simply ashamed or disgusted by their sexual drive are NOT asexual) does not mean that it is not a disorder.
> 
> ...


I don't want any "coddling". My question that I asked here was not a debate on my asexuality. You need to educate yourself. It is recognized as an orientation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> FryFish, with each of your posts like this, you're sounding more and more ignorant
> 
> Honestly
> 
> ...


Yep!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Thank you. I really don't understand his hostility towards me and my sexuality. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I defy you to find a single statement of hostility towards your sexuality in this thread. I have read it all. Everyone is very sympathetic to your sexuality. Accept it, embrace it, he happy with it. 

Some of us are frustrated with your refusal to accept that you do not belong married to a sexual human. It is very clear that this relationship as it stands is torture to your husband. Is that what you want ? Do you really think you married a priest? We applaud your desire to make it work. A few hugs and kisses is a far cry from what he needs.

Your husband really seems like an overall great guy in a bad situation. After YOU end this marriage there is a chance you can be very close, loving friends. I suspect his eventual new partner will accept this relationship when they know the true nature of it. 

You two are high school sweethearts and it will always remain as such.

EDIT: in the time it took me to type that out someone has attacked your sexuality. That is unfortunate and in my opinion has no place here. No one knows your sexuality like you do. That person has a unique view on sexuality from what I have read.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> I defy you to find a single statement of hostility towards your sexuality in this thread. I have read it all. Everyone is very sympathetic to your sexuality. Accept it, embrace it, he happy with it.
> 
> Some of us are frustrated with your refusal to accept that you do not belong married to a sexual human. It is very clear that this relationship as it stands is torture to your husband. Is that what you want ? Do you really think you married a priest? We applaud your desire to make it work. A few hugs and kisses is a far cry from what he needs.
> 
> ...


Sorry but people referring to me as "disordered" is really offensive. The insistence that I'm hiding self stimulation was hostile. 

As for the rest, I have only mentioned the problems here. My husband is very good to me in many ways and we get along well aside from the grabbing issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> FryFish, with each of your posts like this, you're sounding more and more ignorant
> 
> Honestly


How so? Children are asexual... the point of puberty is to give us the drive to reproduce. So if someone makes it through puberty without that drive, they are effectively broken.

Not to mention the fact that this disorder is TREATABLE AND IS BEING TREATED FOR MANY MANY INDIVIDUALS!

If you dont have the drive I seriously suggest you talk to a doctor about it to see if the issue is hormonal.

Males with a LOW(not even talking about a complete LACK of a sex drive, just a low one) sex drive are labeled with having a disorder... a disorder that is often COMPLETELY CORRECTED via testosterone shots...

Its not an insult and pretending it is and refusing to seek help is just irrational.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

> Sorry but people referring to me as "disordered" is really offensive.


 If you choose to be offended. But it is not meant to be offensive... statements of fact can hurt... but I am not trying to attack you... Im trying to help... Have you seen a doctor about your "_sexuality_"?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> If you choose to be offended. But it is not meant to be offensive... statements of fact can hurt... but I am not trying to attack you... Im trying to help... Have you seen a doctor about your "_sexuality_"?


I'm not asking for help with my sexuality. That was not the point of this thread. If you have nothing to add except sarcasm and attacks then find a new thread to comment on. Your opinion on my sexuality is not wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Ok... you wanted help with your marriage yes?

Alright, either seek help for your "sexuality" problem or get a divorce... 

because your husband doesnt share your disorder and there is no way that you can effectively FAKE it for the rest of your life.

Your marriage IS GOING TO FAIL! No way it wont. Your husband will divorce you or cheat on you.

Those are the sad facts. Sorry if they offend you.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Stargate and Fry, why are you trying to define this woman's marriage and her sexuality? Do you think telling her she is disordered is going to make her see the light and turn into a sex machine? She clearly finds it offensive, so maybe...a lighter touch? 

A few kisses and hugs are merely a START to a healthy sex life with her husband. If his love language is touch, then she will be communicating her love in a way that he will understand. 

Jen, you are repulsed by sex. Is it the fluids, the sounds, what? And again, how much time do you guys spend alone without distractions? Do you think if you had sex as often as your husband wants, but in a manner that you find pleasing, sex might get better?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Hi Jen

Reading your post I have some questions.

When you say that sex is painful to you, do you mean physically so or mentally?
How often do you two have actual intercourse?

Regarding the constant groping of your body, you wouldn't be into that even if you weren't asexual. That sh*ts annoying when someone is always trying to cop a feel of your breast or butt. Especially since it sounds like he does it in "ooh this is so squishy" immature way. You should be able to get dressed, go out in public and wear niceclosthes without having to feel like someone is always trying to put their hands down your skirt/shirt.

The laughing, when you tell him that all the groping turns you off, is childish. And you should tell him that. Why a man would do things to turn of an asexual wife even more is beyond my comprehension.

That incident with you in the kitchen, that was assault babe. He has/had absolutey no rght to do that to you. Don't sweep this under the rug. You need to make it crystal clear that you wll absolutely not be sexually assalted in your own home. He needs to understand with absolute certainly that the next sexual assault will have him explaining himself to the police. Sexual assault is nothing to rug sweep.



JenTee said:


> I am 25 and have been married for close to two years. I was always aware I was repulsed by sex and any touching whatsoever. My husband has always been FULLY aware of it as well. I've never made any secret of it or pretended I was into things when I really wasn't. I had never heard of asexuality until recently but now it all makes sense. I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral. I hate it so much but I do it anyway. Regular sex feels like rape to me. I've never had any sexual abuse of any sort in my past. Sex is always painful and makes me feel gross. I have no desire ever...never have. I'm not gay either. I am even more repulsed by females.
> 
> The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen. I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place. I feel so so humiliated. I even said many times.. do it at home (I'd still hate it), not in public. However, he says okay but never listens to me. I'm not sure what to do. He did this today. I am tired of being "careful" about what I wear. Meaning, not wearing tight fitting clothes because he won't stop touching me. It makes me cry sometimes. If I express how I feel and cry about it, I get ragefully yelled at. So I keep it inside.. I go into the lavatory and cry. How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse. While I was driving today he started grabbing at my chest. I told him to quit it. He started saying " They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them." When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> How so? Children are asexual... the point of puberty is to give us the drive to reproduce. So if someone makes it through puberty without that drive, they are effectively broken.
> 
> Not to mention the fact that this disorder is TREATABLE AND IS BEING TREATED FOR MANY MANY INDIVIDUALS!
> 
> ...


Children are not asexual. I was not asexual at age 7. I knew what I liked and had very many erections relating to females.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Stargate and Fry, why are you trying to define this woman's marriage and her sexuality? Do you think telling her she is disordered is going to make her see the light and turn into a sex machine? She clearly finds it offensive, so maybe...a lighter touch?
> 
> A few kisses and hugs are merely a START to a healthy sex life with her husband. If his love language is touch, then she will be communicating her love in a way that he will understand.
> 
> Jen, you are repulsed by sex. Is it the fluids, the sounds, what? And again, how much time do you guys spend alone without distractions? Do you think if you had sex as often as your husband wants, but in a manner that you find pleasing, sex might get better?


I think that will be a good realistic start for me. I am more than willing to try. 

Everything honestly. The sounds and the fluids. I think sexual organs are the dirtiest part of a person's body. I can be totally off with that but that's how I perceive it. We spend a decent amount of time without distractions. We go on walks, out to dinner and sometimes we just sit at the table, have some tea and have long talks about everything.  I think the thing that bothers me most is he doesn't respect my boundaries when I'm sick. I do get frequent migraines and he seems to push the limits often. If he were to agree to completely stop with the sexual touching when I'm sick, I'd be less adverse to sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aribabe said:


> FryFish, with each of your posts like this, you're sounding more and more ignorant
> 
> Honestly


We know that hormone imbalances or low hormones can make a person completely lose interest in sex. It can also make them be repulsed by the thought of having sex. 

I think that asexuality, like most things has many causes. Each person is unique.

I don't think it ignorant to talk about what might cause asexuality. Now Jen does not want to talk about that so that's fine as well.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Marriage concerns with no sexuality is almost like claiming radiator problems while not owning an automobile...

Why not have stayed friends? Why not open up the marriage? If I had no desire to pleasure my wife sexually, only a willingness to endure it frequently as part of some economy, why would I have a problem with another man doing it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Hi Jen
> 
> Reading your post I have some questions.
> 
> ...


I mean physically. I am unable to be aroused so its dry and hurts. We've tried lubricants but that didn't help much. I am small down there. I'm also tense each time.. Very tense. 

We have intercourse a few times a month. The rest is BJ's which he had told me he preferred. I also prefer it because it isn't painful for me. 

That's good to know that I'm not off vase on that. I have told him "hey grow up. It's not funny to make me angry and chuckle about it like a child" but I haven't seen any change in the behavior after I said that. 

Yea I do really know that what he did was wrong. It hurt my feelings a lot. I'm afraid to talk to him about it because I know I will cry and he sometimes reacts horribly to me sobbing. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Hi Jen
> 
> 
> Regarding the constant groping of your body, you wouldn't be into that even if you weren't asexual. That sh*ts annoying when someone is always trying to cop a feel of your breast or butt. Especially since it sounds like he does it in "ooh this is so squishy" immature way. You should be able to get dressed, go out in public and wear niceclosthes without having to feel like someone is always trying to put their hands down your skirt/shirt.
> ...


Speak for yourself, my wife very much enjoys the attention and "sexual harassment". After she gets home from work she takes off her bra and putts on some booty shorts. She loves the attention, I pay her nice big, round butt and firm small natural breasts. 

Yes he had no right to do what he did in the kitchen. *That is exactly why this marriage must end. *


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We know that hormone imbalances or low hormones can make a person completely lose interest in sex. It can also make them be repulsed by the thought of having sex.
> 
> I think that asexuality, like most things has many causes. Each person is unique.
> 
> I don't think it ignorant to talk about what might cause asexuality. Now Jen does not want to talk about that so that's fine as well.


She obviously has the resources to see the best doctors money can buy, and claims she has sought medical advise. She has accepted her sexuality, why cant you? Case closed. 

She has not accepted the inhumane situation she is enforcing her poor husband to endure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StargateFan said:


> Children are not asexual. I was not asexual at age 7. I knew what I liked and had very many erections relating to females.


From what Jen said, many asexual people masterbate. So apparently asexual people can get erections.. 

I just read a tiny bit about asexuality. There is apparently not a consensus in the medical community about the topic. Some define is as a person who is not sexually attracted to either males or females. It does not mean that they cannot have sex, or orgasm and do not enjoy it. It means lack of attraction.

Others define it differently. Not sure.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

None of the definitions I checked of asexuality describe it as being "repulsed" by sex...they all say "lack of interest". The difference is huge and makes me wonder whether you are actually asexual, or if there is something else going on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StargateFan said:


> She obviously has the resources to see the best doctors money can buy, and claims she has sought medical advise. She has accepted her sexuality, why cant you? Case closed.
> 
> She has not accepted the inhumane situation she is enforcing her poor husband to endure.



I think that you need to back off. I have not attacked Jen's sexuality or her acceptance of her sexuality. 

Discussing sexual orientation is not attacking a person.

I think that Jen sounds like a really sweet young lady. Why on earth would I attack her for anything?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you need to back off. I have not attacked Jen's sexuality or her acceptance of her sexuality.
> 
> Discussing sexual orientation is not attacking a person.


Yes, you have been very respectful. I will no longer be replying to anyone's opinions on my sexuality. I'm not here to debate it. There's different kinds of asexuals: repulsed, not repulsed, ones who engage in fantasies, ones who masturbate, etc. 

If anyone wants to debate that, by all means go to an asexuality forum and get their input on it. I am done with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Aw thanks! You're pretty sweet yourself!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I mean physically. I am unable to be aroused so its dry and hurts. We've tried lubricants but that didn't help much. I am small down there. I'm also tense each time.. Very tense.
> 
> We have intercourse a few times a month. The rest is BJ's which he had told me he preferred. I also prefer it because it isn't painful for me.
> 
> ...


What does he do when you are sobbing?


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Cool, so you dont want to discuss the main reason your marriage is broken... 

What is this thread about then? Are you seeking advice on HOW to break up or how to fake happiness.... Or are you just seeking advice on how to convince your husband that he doesnt need sex.

You say you experience physical pain during intercourse... That IS treatable...

and this is my last post in your thread.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What does he do when you are sobbing?


He shuts down sometimes and ignores me. Other times he will get very angry and yell at me. He threw the tv remote across the room one time.  That was frightening. Other than that and the other instance he hasn't behaved in that manner. He just gets angry and tells me to quit crying and says he doesn't want to listen to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StargateFan said:


> Speak for yourself, my wife very much enjoys the attention and "sexual harassment". After she gets home from work she takes off her bra and putts on some booty shorts. She loves the attention, I pay her nice big, round butt and firm small natural breasts.
> 
> Yes he had no right to do what he did in the kitchen. *That is exactly why this marriage must end. *


Her husband grops her in public. That is harrassment because she as asked him to not do it but he continues.

As for the groping in private, she has told him that she does not like it and she does not want him to do it. But he will not stop. 

Therefore his groping is indeed harassment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> He shuts down sometimes and ignores me. Other times he will get very angry and yell at me. He threw the tv remote across the room one time.  That was frightening. Other than that and the other instance he hasn't behaved in that manner. He just gets angry and tells me to quit crying and says he doesn't want to listen to it.


Well that's not good at all. So you are now afraid to speak your mind because of his angry outbursts and him ignoring you. IT's his way of controlling the situation. It's not healthy.

If it happens often it's actually a form of emotional abuse.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well that's not good at all. So you are now afraid to speak your mind because of his angry outbursts and him ignoring you. IT's his way of controlling the situation. It's not healthy.
> 
> If it happens often it's actually a form of emotional abuse.


I know it's not good. He's admitted he deals with it wrong and says he gets so angry. I hold back a lot unfortunately. It seems as though I can speak my mind if he's in a very good mood but that isn't as effective because the issue isn't bring addressed at the time it's happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

The "playful" gropes are easy to redirect. If it were just that, I'd say he could learn to touch her the way she likes. The aggressive behavior is VERY scary. Holding her down and violating her is not the way to say "hey babe, think you're looking hot today!"

Sounds like you have an aversion to sex, not just lacking the drive. I know there is material out there on turning around a sexual aversion, literally step by step guides. Would that interest you? Gaining a sexual drive for your hubby?

Then while you are working on that, your condition for HIM could be him proactively working on his anger and empathy. 

I could be way off base with my advice, but I just want to throw some ideas out there.

Annie


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If your wife enjoys your consant groping and "sexual harrasment" that's your and her business. And its awesome if your thing

However, most women don't enjoy being groped and disrespected in public,and clearly Jen does not. 



StargateFan said:


> Speak for yourself, my wife very much enjoys the attention and "sexual harassment". After she gets home from work she takes off her bra and putts on some booty shorts. She loves the attention, I pay her nice big, round butt and firm small natural breasts.
> 
> Yes he had no right to do what he did in the kitchen. *That is exactly why this marriage must end. *


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

She gets emotionally abused and we would recommend that he stop that... Of course...

Is she ever going to start desiring him sexually? As I understand asexuality, no... 

No doubt he needs to respect his wife, but will he ever have a wife to respect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I know it's not good. He's admitted he deals with it wrong and says he gets so angry. I hold back a lot unfortunately. It seems as though I can speak my mind if he's in a very good mood but that isn't as effective because the issue isn't bring addressed at the time it's happening.


Sometimes it's good to wait until things are calmer to discuss them. I guess it depends on the issue.

I might help both of you to go to MC (marriage counseling). Maybe he could look into some resources to learn about anger management.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Yes, you have been very respectful. I will no longer be replying to anyone's opinions on my sexuality. I'm not here to debate it. There's different kinds of asexuals: repulsed, not repulsed, ones who engage in fantasies, ones who masturbate, etc.
> 
> If anyone wants to debate that, by all means go to an asexuality forum and get their input on it. I am done with this.


I can't for the life of me understand why someone would WANT to be asexual. And though you will deny it, you DO....your defiance in even considering there might be something else at work here proves that. So it leaves me wondering what sort of payoff you get from labeling yourself asexual. :scratchhead:


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> The "playful" gropes are easy to redirect. If it were just that, I'd say he could learn to touch her the way she likes. The aggressive behavior is VERY scary. Holding her down and violating her is not the way to say "hey babe, think you're looking hot today!"
> 
> Sounds like you have an aversion to sex, not just lacking the drive. I know there is material out there on turning around a sexual aversion, literally step by step guides. Would that interest you? Gaining a sexual drive for your hubby?
> 
> ...


Yea I'd be up for at least trying. I am always willing to try. I do have a huge adversion for many reason I think. I'm just like that plus he has done plenty of things that have made it worse. I'm fine with occasional playful groping but when it's 15 times in an hour like today and in public.. I have a huge problem with that. It then makes me cringe anytime he does it even once. But, it's not usually once and it's always followed by immature comments that a 14 year old boy would say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes it's good to wait until things are calmer to discuss them. I guess it depends on the issue.
> 
> I might help both of you to go to MC (marriage counseling). Maybe he could look into some resources to learn about anger management.


Our health insurance in currently pending to my husband getting a new job. He would never agree to any counseling.. I know that positively. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Our health insurance in currently pending to my husband getting a new job. He would never agree to any counseling.. I know that positively. :/


Well if he would not go to counseling, you could do things that effect a change in the way he reacts so that you are not so scared to state your mind.

There is a book that is very good on the topic, "The Dance of Anger". It has some techniques to use that are very helpful.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well if he would not go to counseling, you could do things that effect a change in the way he reacts so that you are not so scared to state your mind.
> 
> There is a book that is very good on the topic, "The Dance of Anger". It has some techniques to use that are very helpful.


Thanks! I love reading and I'm very interested. I will check that book out! I really appreciate all of your help! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

From OP

*Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help*

She has also stated she has a trust fund and never has to worry about supporting herself financially. She has stated her husband makes "VERY" good money and does not have to work hard for it. If she wants MC, pay for it. If her husband won't go, divorce him. 

I am starting to smell a troll. I could be wrong, but the inconsistency must be recognized. 

EleGirl: neither I nor JenTee accused you of attacking her sexuality. JenTee has accused FishFry of attacking her sexuality. Read the thread. 

How can I back off when she will not back off her poor husband ?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> From OP
> 
> *Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help*
> 
> ...


I have no money for it because my insurance is pending. I'm not going to pay $150 an hour when I can wait for my insurance and only pay $25. That is what I was referring to. I don't throw money around like its going out of style. I conserve what I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I have no money for it because my insurance is pending. I'm not going to pay $150 an hour when I can wait for my insurance and only pay $25. That is what I was referring to. I don't throw money around like its going out of style. I conserve what I have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you, this situation can obviously "wait" for it. Money is much more important than your marriage.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> I agree with you, this situation can obviously "wait" for it. Money is much more important than your marriage.


Please can you just stop picking on me? I'm not here to be bullied. Nobody said money is more important. Please leave me alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StargateFan said:


> From OP
> 
> *Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help*
> 
> ...


I obviously misunderstood your post…. I thought you were on my case for discussing the possible causes of asexuality. Sorry about that... 



StargateFan said:


> How can I back off when she will not back off her poor husband ?


Well cut her some slack here. Thus far he as been a willing participant in this. If it's bothering him he needs to growup, grow a back bone and deal with it in a healthy manner.

Many asexual people are married to non-asexual people. Some make it work.

But it seems that Jen's marriage might be starting to unravel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StargateFan said:


> I agree with you, this situation can obviously "wait" for it. Money is much more important than your marriage.


Come on. You have no idea how much money she has, what their financial situation is or how long it might take to get this new insurance in place. 

She also said that her husband will not go to counseling so she could have more money than Warren Buffet but it would not help for this.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I obviously misunderstood your post…. I thought you were on my case for discussing the possible causes of asexuality. Sorry about that...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No harm. Out of respect for you I will back off. I am still smelling a troll.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> she pictures something in her mind, we all do,



I do grow weary of people talking in absolutes on this board.

No all people do not picture something in their mind. I know that I never fantasized during masturbation for the first decade, or more, of my masturbatory life. I simply enjoyed the pleasure. Fantasy didn't come into play for me until well into my 20's.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Come on. You have no idea how much money she has, what their financial situation is or how long it might take to get this new insurance in place.
> 
> She also said that her husband will not go to counseling so she could have more money than Warren Buffet but it would not help for this.


You are correct about the husband, but she was very explicit about how well to do they were financially. She just does not see the value in spending it on this marriage. She views this as his problem not hers.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry but I just sense a sort of weird "defiance" if you will. Or maybe, steadfast defense. Maybe...a conscious decision to stand up for her "right" to be asexual.

That's ALL Im getting here. It's disturbing. The fact that people think nothing is "wrong" with that stance is mind boggling. To me, that's the ONLY thing wrong with OP's situation. But I've been accused of being tactless before and I could be falling into that trap again.

But honestly people...am I the only one reading that story? Like he should just accept status-quo cause it aint gonna change from OP's end?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Jen, your primary complaint is that you husband grabs on you, and does so in a childish way, he giggles or laughs, and he grabs on your butt, and likes to say it's squishy, and he does this over and over, and does it in public; that isn't normal behavior.

Yet, you say about his watching porn;

_"Yes, he always has. I've never minded. We talk about it. It's no big deal."_

Then you go on to say;

_"He seems to watch the ones with girls that have large butts."_

So, your husband has a fetish for big squishy butts, and you have no problem with him resorting to porn to satisfy this fetish.

Here's the problem, you think that what he's interested in when he's looks at porn, shouldn't translate itself into what he really desires in real life... but it does, and its manifesting itself in this silly, childish butt grabbing thing he does.

Why is he this way? I don't know, but it seems like he's somehow repressed, or immature, or acting out in unhealthy ways.

The fact that he says he's ok with your lack of interest in sex, is strange in itself, why would he feel this way? Is he lying? What's going on in his head?


You need to see a doctor, not about your "sexual orientation", you need to visit with a good gynecologist and discuss the following...

_"I mean physically. I am unable to be aroused so its dry and hurts. We've tried lubricants but that didn't help much. I am small down there. I'm also tense each time.. Very tense."_

While your with the Dr, mention this...

_"I think sexual organs are the dirtiest part of a person's body."_

_"The rest is BJ's which he had told me he preferred. I also prefer it because it isn't painful for me."_

and this

_"If he were to agree to completely stop with the sexual touching when I'm sick, I'd be less adverse to sex."_

I think discussing the physical pain is important, I also think that at least mentioning your perspective on the sex organs is something he/she may or may not think is important, but you should at least find out.

On the husband front, you need to be careful that he's not going completely down the porn rabbit hole of delusional unhealthy sexual thinking. He shouldn't treat sexual touching as a childish, giggly affair.

T


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm sorry but I just sense a sort of weird "defiance" if you will. Or maybe, steadfast defense. Maybe...a conscious decision to stand up for her "right" to be asexual.
> 
> That's ALL Im getting here. It's disturbing. The fact that people think nothing is "wrong" with that stance is mind boggling. To me, that's the ONLY thing wrong with OP's situation. But I've been accused of being tactless before and I could be falling into that trap again.
> 
> But honestly people...am I the only one reading that story? Like he should just accept status-quo cause it aint gonna change from OP's end?


I also am noticing a complete lack of concern for his happiness. The duty sex ( mostly BJ ) does not count. We all know there is no happiness in that.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> I also am noticing a complete lack of concern for his happiness. The duty sex ( mostly BJ ) does not count. We all know there is no happiness in that.


I'm definitely sensing a "it's his problem to fix" vibe, which is something most of us do when we're young and encounter the first issues in our marriages. I mean, I can't possibly be contributing to the problem, can I? You mean everyone doesn't see the world the way I do? 

This is not a problem that's going to get fixed "if only he'd stop touching my butt inappropriately".


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I do grow weary of people talking in absolutes on this board.
> 
> No all people do not picture something in their mind. I know that I never fantasized during masturbation for the first decade, or more, of my masturbatory life. I simply enjoyed the pleasure. Fantasy didn't come into play for me until well into my 20's.


There's always the exception to the rule, or, perhaps, you can't recall that far back. I assure you, most people have a mental picture of something when they masturbate, but that's a moot point now in this thread, Jen has made clear she doesn't take part in that activity.

_Note: Jaquen, you make your points in whatever fashion suits you; I'll do the same. I've refrained from shooting holes in your theory of sexuality only because this isn't your thread._

T


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I suspect your unavailability is kind of a turn-on. If you two want to stay married, he can accept your strange predilection, and you don't mind engage in relations you don't particularly like, then talk about it. 

For curiousity, having your back rubbed, or having a nice dinner, or a show, doesn't create a feeling of closeness. How do you feel about holding hands or him putting his arm around you. 

I don't think the words abuse and illegal are appropriate when he is trying to deal with a strange situation, inappropriately maybe. There are differences in a marriage. If my wife takes $20 from my wallet that is not theft, if she checks my computer, that's not computer piracy, and if he touches her that is not criminal assault. 

If its unsatisfactory, you get divorced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I'm sorry but I just sense a sort of weird "defiance" if you will. Or maybe, steadfast defense. Maybe...a conscious decision to stand up for her "right" to be asexual.
> 
> That's ALL Im getting here. It's disturbing. The fact that people think nothing is "wrong" with that stance is mind boggling. To me, that's the ONLY thing wrong with OP's situation. But I've been accused of being tactless before and I could be falling into that trap again.
> 
> But honestly people...am I the only one reading that story? Like he should just accept status-quo cause it aint gonna change from OP's end?


No one is suggesting that he should accept status quo. 

Well Jen sorta does.

But no one responding to her has said that yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> I suspect your unavailability is kind of a turn-on. If you two want to stay married, he can accept your strange predilection, and you don't mind engage in relations you don't particularly like, then talk about it.
> 
> For curiousity, having your back rubbed, or having a nice dinner, or a show, doesn't create a feeling of closeness. How do you feel about holding hands or him putting his arm around you.
> 
> ...


Actually once a wife or husband says no, and the other continues to force the sexual advance to the point of using physcial force... yes it's assault and could be rape depending on how far it goes. It's hard to prove.

Everyone has the right to refuse sexual advances and expect their boundaries to be respected.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

First, your husband is immature in terms of his own sexuality. I think he is struggling to establish his own sexual identity. This is a separate problem that really is best handled through lifestyle experiences. The unusual nature of your sexual relationship is likely retarding his "sexual emotional" development, contributing to his immature behaviors. Individual counseling for him may be in order.

I, too, feel that your story (or at least your perception of the story) is shifting through the thread. At the beginning of the posts, you were having sex two to three times a week. Later, you say intercourse is a couple times a month with the rest being BJs. 

I know this is all sexual activity. But there is a difference between the two. I can understand why a guy in his mid-20s would be frustrated with this - despite his earlier statements. His immaturity in sexual relationships is making it difficult to process these emotions of frustration.

I know you don't want to talk about the sexual orientation stuff. One interesting thing I noticed is that you did not even know of the asexual identity for several years. You simply did not have the sexual urges that are common for most people.

I'm wondering if the "asexual" tag becomes a convenient label that helps to explain everything away. You can't be expected to have interest in sex because "that's the way you are." Let's just say that this "asexual" tag becomes quite convenient for you. No more exploring or wondering about alternative treatments. You have a friend/hubby. You have your own financial security. You're set up. Why rock the boat?

The only suggestion I'm making here is that maybe, just maybe, you settled for the "asexual" label because it helped to explain so much and absolved you of responsibility of looking at other alternative explanations. 

I sense you love your husband and -with the exceptions of some of frustrations and sexual immaturity - that you love your life with him. At the same time, I think it's fair to recognize that the symptoms of asexuality do put a strain on the relationship.

With this in mind, what would it hurt to just go to a doctor/gyno and collect some more information on yourself and how your body works. What if they would find that you mislabeled yourself and that you could have a sexual drive with some modest medical support? 

If you're asexual, that's fine. It's who you are. My hunch, however,is that you settled for this explanation because it fits and is convenient to you and your lifestyle. If you love your husband, as you say that you do, a couple of doctor visits could produce life-changing results for you and your spouse. 

Best of luck.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The title of this thread is not "I need help with my Asexuality!".

You people need to stop. Some of you are egregiously ignorant, at best. At worst you're being downright hateful. 

This woman's accepted sexual orientation is "asexual". Whether you agree with that as a legitimate sexual identity is completely and totally irrelevant to this thread. She has not stated a discomfort, or shame, about her orientation, and she has NOT asked a single one of you people for assistance with "curing" her asexuality. 

If a homosexual or bisexual person had begun this thread, and a large percentage of it had been spent attempting to tell a gay man or a lesbian that they needed to cure their sexuality, this thread would have exploded in war, and been shut down by now.

If you can not have respect for this woman's sexual identity, stay the hell out of the thread.

If you'd like to debate the legitimacy of asexuality as a sexual orientation, start your own damn thread.

The behavior in here, especially over the last several pages, is appalling. 

Shameful.



Tony55 said:


> There's always the exception to the rule, or, perhaps, you can't recall that far back.


I am in my early 30's. Yes, I'd have such a tough time recalling so far back into my early and mid 20's. 

The point is, don't speak in absolutes. 



MarriedTex said:


> I, too, feel that your story (or at least your perception of the story) is shifting through the thread. At the beginning of the posts, you were having sex two to three times a week. Later, you say intercourse is a couple times a month with the rest being BJs.



Totally wrong. The woman said at the very beginning of the thread, in her original post:

* I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral. 
*

Her story didn't shift anywhere. Some of you just didn't bother to read what she actually said, or are so gung ho to "cure" her asexuality that you are seeing discrepancies where there are none.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

jaquen said:


> The title of this thread is not "I need help with my Asexuality!".
> 
> You people need to stop. Some of you are egregiously ignorant, at best. At worst you're being downright hateful.
> 
> ...


I agree some people are being ignorant about asexuality... 

It's silly to think she will change or needs to change.

However, is her asexuality as far as being off-topic here?

We can assume her husband is 100% heterosexual... Being such, we can assume that the obligatory sex borne of duty and not of desire that he's receiving is an illusory nourishment that he and she believe is meeting his needs, but, as he is being damaged on the inside from not having such a basic marriage feature, it might be beginning to reflect this toxicity in his tantrums, his rage, or otherwise bizarre behavior. If he was more honest with himself (or as he might discover with the right friends, family, counselor, etc.), he'd know what you and I know. His sexual needs are being fed by styrofoam rice cakes... He's deluded into thinking that her duty sex is good enough for him meanwhile the toxicity building inside will begin to surface in the form of hate and disrespect... For her and himself... Much like a heroin addict might all so easily inject himself only to throw the syringe on the floor afterward and stomp on it angrily, out of disappointment that the drug is harming him and out of disappointment in his own weakness to do what's right for himself.


I think the topic of asexuality is unavoidable in discussing his actions... Of course, again, I agree some people are bit clueless as to how it works...

Another issue... How would we feel about a gay man who insists on being married to his straight wife while being opposed to her wife receiving sincere heterosexual satisfaction outside the marriage, insisting that she take his obligatory sex and like it? Wouldn't that be a bit odd? Things like that are what are pinging some users' troll detectors...

Why doesn't she explain why she'd be so opposed to allow her husband to pursue a meaningful heterosexual encounter on his own with a heterosexual woman?


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

JenTee,

I have read every single post in this forum, and I am filled with dread for you. I am honestly surprised that people would focus so much on the amount and quality of the sex in your relationship and ignore the real issue here- this man is abusive. From what you've told me, he has been emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive. You've mentioned that you are afraid to bring up certain things to him or even cry in front of him because of his reactions and anger.

Please listen to me, JenTee. I have been there. I know what it is like. I know how hard it is to admit these things, and even harder to get out of that situation. This isn't about your sexuality- I know that no matter how much or how little a person enjoys sex, your husband's behavior towards you is unacceptable. I'm not saying it's a certainty, but with abusive behavior, there's a very real chance it could get worse. If you stay where you are, in this situation, you could get seriously hurt, worse than you already are.

I too applaud you for trying so hard to stay in this marriage and to try to make things work when your husband clearly is not returning that effort. And I understand that you guys do have a lot of good times and that in the past, things were nice and this wasn't a problem. Truly, I do. It's always hard to face the fact that the person you loved (and probably, still love very much) has changed and are no longer the gentle, respectful person you grew to know. And it can be tempting to think that those times will come back if you can only get over this hurdle.

I know because I have been in that exact same boat, and thought those things, but in the end we only have what is, and not what was. And in this case, your husband is not truly being a husband. Would a husband knowingly, repeatedly humiliate his wife? The woman he swore to protect and love? Would a husband force himself on his wife, overpowering her while she protests due to physical pain? Is that caring for her, in sickness and in health? Truly, those are the actions of a rapist, and you deserve so much better than that. 

It may be hard to think about, when you have been together for so long, but you will not be alone. I don't know how many people you have opened up to about this, and I would not be surprised if this is the first time you've told anyone. But your friends, your family will support you. They will care for you the way your husband should and is failing to do. 

Please, at least get some distance between you two and spend some time away from him. I know a divorce might be difficult to contemplate, but even small steps can help. I have never even visited this forum before today, and I likely never will again, but I wanted to make sure you heard this from someone. And if you want to talk, want help, anything, you can call me. My number is *****. My email is *****. I don't even care what kind of crazy people try to contact me after I post that because that is how little that sort of thing matters compared with making sure you have help if you need it. Don't hesitate about using either of those methods of reaching me- seriously, I will sleep better knowing that you have me as a resource should you need one.

Finally, good luck with all of this, congratulations on reading my ridiculously-long post if you still are, and I really, really hope you come out of this ok.


EDIT: I have been informed that I can actually PM my contact information directly to Jen, and avoid having it displayed publicly on the web, so I have chosen to do that. I've left the rest of the post the same, and have just replaced the contact info with ***. Thank you, strugglinghusband, for bringing this to my attention.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Totally wrong. The woman said at the very beginning of the thread, in her original post:
> 
> * I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral.
> *
> ...


Matter of interpretation here. "Giving in" - to me, at least - implies intercourse. The "almost always performing oral" part was interpreted by me as doing this in addition to intercourse.

I recognize it can be interpreted differently. But subsequent posts complimented OP for having sex multiple times a week despite her condition. She never indicated that these subsequent posters were mistaken until she started discussing the couple times a month for intercourse.

Either way, my primary point still holds. I have no doubt she believes she's asexual. But this is a pretty defining characteristic that influences the course of her life and her relationship with her husband. It would be a shame to not do everything possible to confirm that this is the root of her outlook. It's easy to wave the hand, say "I'm asexual", and go about you business without doing anything more.

But if there's even a 1% chance that the symptoms she now ascribes to "asexuality" are instead related to some type of hormone imbalance that could be remedied, doesn't she owe it to herself (if not her husband) to explore that more fully?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

CC
you may want to delte your phone number and email and you can send her a PM...to many freaks in the world.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> I agree some people are being ignorant about asexuality...
> 
> It's silly to think she will change or needs to change.
> 
> ...



I agree with all of this, and have approached all the same issues.

The asexuality absolutely is part of this discussion, it's the crucial center point of it. It must be factored in.

But this thread has become a monument to how NOT to handle people with non-heterosexual orientations. She has made it clear, ad nauseum, that she embraces asexuality as her sexual identity, and is not searching for ways to alter that. Nothing worthwhile to the OP's cause is coming out of the "cure the asexual" lynch mob.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> Matter of interpretation here. "Giving in" - to me, at least - implies intercourse. The "almost always performing oral" part was interpreted by me as doing this in addition to intercourse.


But none of our given interpretations matter at all, considering that this woman stipulated from_ post one_ that their sex life comprised mainly of her giving him oral sex.

To say that she's changed her story is false.



MarriedTex said:


> I recognize it can be interpreted differently. But subsequent posts complimented OP for having sex multiple times a week despite her condition. She never indicated that these subsequent posters were mistaken until she started discussing the couple times a month for intercourse.


That's a matter of your interpretation. I wouldn't personally correct their assumptions as "mistakes" because my wife and I look at oral sex as "sex". We don't view penis-in-vaginal sex as the main defining aspect of sex. I read a recent study that showed a surprising amount of people consider oral sex to be in, and of itself, a full sexual experience.

So if this woman stipulated from the very beginning of the thread that she considers oral sex as full sex, she's not going to correct anyone as being "mistaken". Only someone who looks at PiV sex as the only legit definition would read this thread and assume she was misleading anyone. That's your baggage, not hers. She was always upfront.



MarriedTex said:


> It would be a shame to not do everything possible to confirm that this is the root of her outlook. It's easy to wave the hand, say "I'm asexual", and go about you business without doing anything more.


Are you asexual? How do you know it was "easy" for her to just wave her hand, and viola, I'm a happy asexual? 

This is what I'm talking about. This is none of your business. The OP has made it beyond clear that she is not here to debate about her sexual identity, and has asked you people several times to let it go. And you just will NOT listen.

She is not open to your attempts to steer her away from her sexual identity, anymore than a gay woman who has accepted her identity would be welcome to post after post of "have you tried threapy", "maybe you just haven't found the right, good d*ick yet". She has very politely requested you all stop trying to convert her into a sexually oriented person. And yet your persist on challenging her very personal decision, unwelcome, and uninvited.

It's rude, and it's very disrespectful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Keeping in mind that there is a real and clinical difference between having no libido and being repulsed by sex. My wife is utterly repelled by sex. As a result I have learned to have no libido. Not low, zero. No 'self service' no porn no idle thoughts. Nada. I can think about it intellectually but that's it. It's simply no more important than resenting what the color orange is if you're blind.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you are repulsed by sex, then you should not be a wife, Period.

Know this, and live this. Don't let a man make the mistake of marrying you. You will be happier.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I honestly don't believe you are looking for an advice, but for validation. You dismiss every idea/opinion that differs from yours.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Jen, your primary complaint is that you husband grabs on you, and does so in a childish way, he giggles or laughs, and he grabs on your butt, and likes to say it's squishy, and he does this over and over, and does it in public; that isn't normal behavior.
> 
> Yet, you say about his watching porn;
> 
> ...


I do have regular gyno appointments. I was put on BC pills at one point to see if that would change anything. It didn't change a single thing sexually. All it did was make me an angry emotional mess. The dr asked once if I was sexually active because I seemed unusually "tight". I told her I was but not often because I didn't enjoy it and wasn't into it. She told me she hears that from older woman constantly. She suggested BC pills. I tried three different kinds. None of them did anything for me sexually. I stopped taking them because they increased my depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> I suspect your unavailability is kind of a turn-on. If you two want to stay married, he can accept your strange predilection, and you don't mind engage in relations you don't particularly like, then talk about it.
> 
> For curiousity, having your back rubbed, or having a nice dinner, or a show, doesn't create a feeling of closeness. How do you feel about holding hands or him putting his arm around you.
> 
> ...


I do sense sometimes that it's almost a game to him. Like he enjoys the "chase" but goes about it the wrong way. I'm not sure, I could be totally wrong. He had one gf before me. He told me she was a sex fiend (at 15 years old) and he was turned off by her sexual aggressions. 

Yes, we hold hands often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> First, your husband is immature in terms of his own sexuality. I think he is struggling to establish his own sexual identity. This is a separate problem that really is best handled through lifestyle experiences. The unusual nature of your sexual relationship is likely retarding his "sexual emotional" development, contributing to his immature behaviors. Individual counseling for him may be in order.
> 
> I, too, feel that your story (or at least your perception of the story) is shifting through the thread. At the beginning of the posts, you were having sex two to three times a week. Later, you say intercourse is a couple times a month with the rest being BJs.
> 
> ...


No, I specifically said it was mostly oral. We say "sex" regarding both. Maybe most others don't, I'm not sure. That's just how my husband and I talk about it I guess. My story hasn't shifted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Op- I have only read the first few pages....

You said therapy is out of the question, but you guys need to find a way to sit down to really discuss these issues. Not about trying to change your orientation, but about understanding where you both stand on these issues. You also need to really re-evaluate your marriage.

The thing is, you don't deserve to feel disrespected, but he also doesn't deserve to not have a healthy sex life either. It's unfair to both of you. I honestly think that there is no way you will ever fully understand his sexual needs and urges, nor will he fully understand the lack of them in you.

You are young, with no kids, you really need to get a handle on this before you get in any deeper.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Lack of sexual desire can stem from multiple sources.

One of these is asexuality. Another is emotional imcompatibility with your spouse. A third could be a medical condition.

It is not rude or disrespectful to point out any of these alternatives. 

It is not the same as trying to "turn" a homosexual - or heterosexual for that matter. When presented with the "symptoms" of either of these, there are no medical alternatives that will suddenly make you more interested in the other team.

That is not the case with "asexuality." The commonality of symptoms with other medical factors that can limit libido makes it worthy of exploration. 

Fact is, OP doesn't want a divorce & doesn't want an open marriage. And she is rightfully fearful of his apparently growing abusive nature. In short, she liked it the way it was. But he's changing and does not have the emotional skills to productively express his frustration. 

Something needs to change. If she's asexual, fine. Recognize that and let the guy go. Despite his early promises, it's not a tenable long-term situation for his own mental well-being.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The title of this thread is not "I need help with my Asexuality!".
> 
> This woman's accepted sexual orientation is "asexual". Whether you agree with that as a legitimate sexual identity is completely and totally irrelevant to this thread. She has not stated a discomfort, or shame, about her orientation, and she has NOT asked a single one of you people for assistance with "curing" her asexuality.
> 
> ...


_"This woman's accepted sexual orientation is "asexual". Whether you agree with that as a legitimate sexual identity is completely and totally irrelevant to this thread. She has not stated a discomfort, or shame, about her orientation, and she has NOT asked a single one of you people for assistance with "curing" her asexuality."_
*Yet, the title begins with the word asexual; she meant the thread to take into account her identity as an asexual.*


_"If a homosexual or bisexual person had begun this thread, and a large percentage of it had been spent attempting to tell a gay man or a lesbian that they needed to cure their sexuality, this thread would have exploded in war, and been shut down by now."_
*If a homosexual started this thread, and was having sexual troubles in his heterosexual marriage, his homosexuality would be point of discussion here.*


_"If you can not have respect for this woman's sexual identity, stay the hell out of the thread."_
*I'm sorry Jaquen, that isn't going to happen, I suggest you get used to the idea. What you perceive as disrespect, is in actuality, an effort to help this woman in finding out if there are underlying issues that might have brought her to this point in her life, married, yet repulsed by sex, and disrespected in her marriage.*

T


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I agree with all of this, and have approached all the same issues.
> 
> The asexuality absolutely is part of this discussion, it's the crucial center point of it. It must be factored in.
> 
> But this thread has become a monument to how NOT to handle people with non-heterosexual orientations. She has made it clear, ad nauseum, that she embraces asexuality as her sexual identity, and is not searching for ways to alter that. Nothing worthwhile to the OP's cause is coming out of the "cure the asexual" lynch mob.



Definitely... Makes perfect sense, but there is also a mob that is telling her that the topic of asexuality is irrelevant and implying that once the topic of abuse is resolved, the only topic that's important, everything will be peachy afterward...

A lot of what you and I are saying will continue to be ignored while they focus on how to cure her sexuality and on how to resolve his anger and emotional abuse, meanwhile the hydra regrows its heads...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The title of this thread is not "I need help with my Asexuality!".
> 
> You people need to stop. Some of you are egregiously ignorant, at best. At worst you're being downright hateful.
> 
> ...


Amen! This thread really is reminding me of when my cousin came out of the closet as a homosexual. My grandparents shouted at him saying he needed therapy and to speak to a priest. They insisted he could learn to be attracted to women and that all of his homosexuality was a disorder that could be corrected with counseling. This is not how I intended for this thread to go at all. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> I agree some people are being ignorant about asexuality...
> 
> It's silly to think she will change or needs to change.
> 
> ...


I did explain this. I already said this is not something either of us would be interested in. It goes against our marital beliefs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> First, your husband is immature in terms of his own sexuality. I think he is struggling to establish his own sexual identity. This is a separate problem that really is best handled through lifestyle experiences. The unusual nature of your sexual relationship is likely retarding his "sexual emotional" development, contributing to his immature behaviors. Individual counseling for him may be in order.


I agree that he is stunted in his sexual maturity, and that their relationship has much to do with it. I believe the lack of sexual intimacy has prevented him evolving. There are so many issues here that real counseling, both individual and marriage, is needed.

Jen, you have posted that not only are you not interested in sex, but that it disgusts and repulses you. You think sex organs are dirty. In addition, it is painful, you have little or no natural lubrication and thus must use bj’s to take care of your husband. I don’t care how loving you are or how great of an actress you might be, but this comes through. To him, sex is not bonding but about you getting him off.

This is not what happens to most men. We may start off with sex as a physical release, but as we grow with our partner, it becomes much more than that. For most of us, it becomes our primary way to receive love from our partner. It is an intimacy that is both physical and emotional, where we get to be open with our partner in a way we do with no one else.

Unfortunately, you husband is not learning that. But I suspect he realizes he is missing something, but does not know what it is. It was difficult enough for me to understand this change while with a women who did enjoy sex. I imagine it is quite difficult for him to understand. Add to it that he is intellectually trapped because you were so honest. He is frustrated by his circumstances, yet knows it is due to his decision. He wants to be okay with things, but he actually is not, as demonstrated by his wrongful actions.

To be clear, I am not blaming you for this (well, maybe a little in that the two of you really should have gone through some intense counseling before marriage to explore this). But at the end of the day, he has changed. I think his actions make clear he is not happy with the choice he made. So get to counseling ASAP (and if your finances are what you say they are, a couple hundred bucks extra a month is much cheaper than a divorce). There is a ton on the table that I don’t think a message board can truly help with.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ConcernedCitizen said:


> JenTee,
> 
> I have read every single post in this forum, and I am filled with dread for you. I am honestly surprised that people would focus so much on the amount and quality of the sex in your relationship and ignore the real issue here- this man is abusive. From what you've told me, he has been emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive. You've mentioned that you are afraid to bring up certain things to him or even cry in front of him because of his reactions and anger.
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much. I appreciate your heartfelt post more than you can imagine. I will be emailing you shortly. I will write in the subject line so you know it's me! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Amen! This thread really is reminding me of when my cousin came out of the closet as a homosexual. My grandparents shouted at him saying he needed therapy and to speak to a priest. They insisted he could learn to be attracted to women and that all of his homosexuality was a disorder that could be corrected with counseling. This is not how I intended for this thread to go at all. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Before you celebrate his post too much, understand that he and I feel your asexuality, which we understand, will always be the crux of the other problems...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Jen, you do have the desire to please your husband sexually, becuase you know it is one of his needs and you do that in a loving way..correct? just not in the manner that he is trying for, the direspecting you, the groping etc.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> Matter of interpretation here. "Giving in" - to me, at least - implies intercourse. The "almost always performing oral" part was interpreted by me as doing this in addition to intercourse.
> 
> I recognize it can be interpreted differently. But subsequent posts complimented OP for having sex multiple times a week despite her condition. She never indicated that these subsequent posters were mistaken until she started discussing the couple times a month for intercourse.
> 
> ...


I DID specifically define that it was mostly oral. Not sure how I could've made it any clearer. I view oral, regular intercourse and anal as "sex". If your view differs-ok then. 

I didn't just wake up one day and say "Hey I think I'll be asexual." It's NOT that way at all. I'm not needing some sort of label. Maybe people here wouldn't have been so harsh if I said "I don't like sex and never will"? I have no clue why being asexual is such a disorder or issue on this forum. If I were to say I was a lesbian or a gay male would I get people scolding me and telling me to go to counseling? I doubt it. I had these feelings on sex forever. I never knew there was an actual orientation it definition to how I felt. That is why I use the term asexual.. Because I am asexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I did explain this. I already said this is not something either of us would be interested in. It goes against our marital beliefs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you have to accept that he might become more and more toxic to you... Part of typical marital beliefs includes sexually wanting your spouse too, but given your orientation, we have to rule that out too... You've married someone heterosexual... You have to be ready to adjust some of your beliefs in my opinion... He needs to stop abusing you, and he needs to have a happy heterosexual experience or be might continue to be abusive... Abuse is something you cannot accept, and duty sex is something he shouldn't either... You will both brew a vat of abuse unless you both are ready to consider unconventional options that might deviate a bit from your preplanned beliefs... You should consider this at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> But none of our given interpretations matter at all, considering that this woman stipulated from_ post one_ that their sex life comprised mainly of her giving him oral sex.
> 
> To say that she's changed her story is false.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. That's exactly what's going on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Memento said:


> I honestly don't believe you are looking for an advice, but for validation. You dismiss every idea/opinion that differs from yours.


No, I don't. If you read you'll see I openly welcomed suggestions. I received some very good advice of redirecting the touching to something that my husband and I can both enjoy. More intimate touching was suggested as well. I have said a billion times I want to work on my issues. I'm not looking for any sort of validation on anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I did explain this. I already said this is not something either of us would be interested in. It goes against our marital beliefs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


JenTee, I think it would be a big help to tell us what you're thinking at this point.

We know that you've embraced your asexual orientation.

We know that your husband is a sexual person, and his physical actions are telling us that he's becoming even more overt with his sexual needs.

We know that the two of you are not welcoming of a sexually open marriage.

We know that he is becoming more aggressive, is displaying anger issues, and is touching you inappropriately despite your repeated protests.

Despite repeated advice to divorce while you're still young, and can do so with little financial consequence, you say divorce isn't on the table.

So, at this point, what do you believe needs realistically to happen?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> _"This woman's accepted sexual orientation is "asexual". Whether you agree with that as a legitimate sexual identity is completely and totally irrelevant to this thread. She has not stated a discomfort, or shame, about her orientation, and she has NOT asked a single one of you people for assistance with "curing" her asexuality."_
> *Yet, the title begins with the word asexual; she meant the thread to take into account her identity as an asexual.*
> 
> 
> ...


If I had written "Wife who hates sex being disrespected" would it really have made a difference? What's the problem with saying asexual?? For the life of me I cannot understand why people are so angsty about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Jen, you do have the desire to please your husband sexually, becuase you know it is one of his needs and you do that in a loving way..correct? just not in the manner that he is trying for, the direspecting you, the groping etc.


Correct! I could deal with the groping at home as long as it wasn't a constant, every five minutes thing. The public groping is what really gets to me. It's humiliating. I get bizarre looks from people. He does it at really inappropriate times.. Examples: walking to a table in a restaurant, family functions, in the supermarket, walking down a crowded street, in the middle of a shopping center. He does it and then laughs. The more I complain.. The more he laughs. If I ignore it he does it until I snap at him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Correct! I could deal with the groping at home as long as it wasn't a constant, every five minutes thing. The public groping is what really gets to me. It's humiliating. I get bizarre looks from people. He does it at really inappropriate times.. Examples: walking to a table in a restaurant, family functions, in the supermarket, walking down a crowded street, in the middle of a shopping center. He does it and then laughs. The more I complain.. The more he laughs. If I ignore it he does it until I snap at him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suspect he is angry at this situation and you, and taking it out on you. His behaviour is completley inappropriate, but the anger will show up one way or another. You both need to get to counseling to get to the root of it. I do think he needs individual counseling on this.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

JenTee said:


> No, I don't. If you read you'll see I openly welcomed suggestions. I received some very good advice of redirecting the touching to something that my husband and I can both enjoy. More intimate touching was suggested as well. I have said a billion times I want to work on my issues. I'm not looking for any sort of validation on anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You welcome suggestions that goes along with what you want to hear. You want to continue to stay married to someone who is not nonsexual like you. How is that fair to any of you? I cannot imagine feeling (as you put it in the first comment) "rapped", frequently. It is illogical, no matter how much you want your relation to work.

I think your husband secretly thinks you might change, one day. I don't believe you will, because that is not who you are.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> JenTee, I think it would be a big help to tell us what you're thinking at this point.
> 
> We know that you've embraced your asexual orientation.
> 
> ...


Realistically, I believe on a compromise. If he would stop the public groping I'd feel a lot better about everything. I'm at a loss on how to get him to stop it. I've talked to him about it countless times. I'm afraid to get too loud with him or too upset because of his anger issues. Maybe I'm being too much of a push over. I'm also not entirely sure that this has something to do with our sex life. In the past, if he ever had any issue with it, we talked, resolved it and that was it. I'm an easy person to talk to. I don't get angry or upset, I try to solve the issue so we can both be happy. If it's more sex he wanted or different sex, I would be more than willing to try. Anytime I ask he says our sex is just how he wants it. So I don't know what to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Memento said:


> You welcome suggestions that goes along with what you want to hear. You want to continue to stay married to someone who is not nonsexual like you. How is that fair to any of you? I cannot imagine feeling (as you put it in the first comment) "rapped", frequently. It is illogical, no matter how much you want your relation to work.
> 
> I think your husband secretly thinks you might change, one day. I don't believe you will, because that is not who you are.


I should've been more clear on that. I feel that way because I feel disrespected by the groping and him never listening when I say to stop it. There's been plenty of times when I have not felt raped because he has respected my boundaries and not humiliated me in public. I'm not into the sex because it doesn't interest me but I was happy to go along with it because I know he enjoys it. Bottom line- if he has acted disrespectful, I feel uncomfortable having sex with him.. When he respected my boundaries- it was not a huge issue to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Memento said:


> I honestly don't believe you are looking for an advice, but for validation. You dismiss every idea/opinion that differs from yours.


Well the main bit of advice she has received is to go straight for divorce. I don't think she dismissed it but she is still hoping for some other solution. And we are trying our best but all we can think of is to find a "cure" for her asexuality, a notion which is understandably offensive to her.

But if being asexual is analogous to being gay, then divorce and perpetual unhappiness are really the only two options. She mentioned that she already tried a site dedicated to asexuals, and got the same response from them.

Jen, you seem comfortable enough with your own sexuality, but don't understand your husbands at all. You think that if you can just get him to stop the groping that everything will be fine. But everything is not fine on his end, that's what he is telling you with his actions. He doesn't really believe the asexual story. He knows (he is correct by the way) that treating you in the asexual way you would like to be treated is just going to make his life even more miserable and repressed than it is already. By acting up like this he thinks he will either wake up your latent sexuality, or push you away completely. Either outcome would be better for him than staying in the cage that you currently have him in. 

But you are here asking for advice on how to keep him in his cage. Like one of those people who raise tiger pups as pets, and then once the animal becomes an adult, gets mauled, killed and eaten. 

If the two of you don't separate, I think it is just a matter of time until he either has an affair, or he assaults you for real.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I suspect he is angry at this situation and you, and taking it out on you. His behaviour is completley inappropriate, but the anger will show up one way or another. You both need to get to counseling to get to the root of it. I do think he needs individual counseling on this.


I have suggested counseling for his anger a few times. He said "I don't need that. I wouldn't take it seriously. They won't tell me anything I don't already know." When he was a child, he saw a therapist and was put on medication (I don't know what kind) for his defiance. He told me he told the psychiatrist whatever they wanted to hear. He also pretended to take the meds but hid it up his sleeve and flushed it down the toilet when his mother wasn't looking. I'm not against counseling for myself. I have been to therapists plenty of times. Some previous people were mentioning therapy as a way to "cure" asexuality and that's what I'm not interested in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JenTee said:


> If I had written "Wife who hates sex being disrespected" would it really have made a difference? What's the problem with saying asexual?? For the life of me I cannot understand why people are so angsty about it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The issue people are having, and that you seem to be failing to grasp, is not your asexuality (OK, some are, but not most) - it's that you don't understand your husband's needs, and you never will. Likewise, he's unlikely to ever understand your repulsion to his needs. Those two realities are starting to collide in ways that most of us could have predicted from the outside. 

You're trying to make a marriage work but neither of you even speaks the same language. I applaud you for trying, but you're just nibbling at the edges of the elephant in the room. Neither his sexuality nor your asexuality is the problem - the problem is that mixing them is like dumping oil into water. 

You and your husband are going to have to spend the rest of your married lives together doing things for each other that you do not like, perhaps even find repulsive. It's no small task, and it wears you down over time. You may have not lived long enough yet to understand this, but it's true nonetheless. Your husband is starting to show cracks in the armor already.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Realistically, I believe on a compromise. If he would stop the public groping I'd feel a lot better about everything. I'm at a loss on how to get him to stop it. I've talked to him about it countless times. I'm afraid to get too loud with him or too upset because of his anger issues. Maybe I'm being too much of a push over. I'm also not entirely sure that this has something to do with our sex life. In the past, if he ever had any issue with it, we talked, resolved it and that was it. I'm an easy person to talk to. I don't get angry or upset, I try to solve the issue so we can both be happy. If it's more sex he wanted or different sex, I would be more than willing to try. Anytime I ask he says our sex is just how he wants it. So I don't know what to think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you understand that compromise sex 100% of the time will possibly damage both of you no matter how much sex you're willing to try and no matter how many times he has sex with you? Are you willing to explore this possibility to truly end the abuse he's doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

east2west said:


> Well the main bit of advice she has received is to go straight for divorce. I don't think she dismissed it but she is still hoping for some other solution. And we are trying our best but all we can think of is to find a "cure" for her asexuality, a notion which is understandably offensive to her.
> 
> But if being asexual is analogous to being gay, then divorce and perpetual unhappiness are really the only two options. She mentioned that she already tried a site dedicated to asexuals, and got the same response from them.
> 
> ...



She might be content with her sexuality, but he sure isn't.
In a few years, or sooner, we just might read his post here about how he got married very early and didn't know what he was getting into when he married someone that was asexual. And also that he lost his prime years with someone who was disconnected from him sexually, all along. 

Lets be realistic, how many people out there are willing to sacrifice their sexual lives?


ps- how is being alone "perpetual unhappiness"? Why not look for an asexual man?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

east2west said:


> Well the main bit of advice she has received is to go straight for divorce. I don't think she dismissed it but she is still hoping for some other solution. And we are trying our best but all we can think of is to find a "cure" for her asexuality, a notion which is understandably offensive to her.
> 
> But if being asexual is analogous to being gay, then divorce and perpetual unhappiness are really the only two options. She mentioned that she already tried a site dedicated to asexuals, and got the same response from them.
> 
> ...


I'm quoting this in the hope that it does not get ignored...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Realistically, I believe on a compromise. If he would stop the public groping I'd feel a lot better about everything. I'm at a loss on how to get him to stop it. I've talked to him about it countless times. I'm afraid to get too loud with him or too upset because of his anger issues. Maybe I'm being too much of a push over. I'm also not entirely sure that this has something to do with our sex life. In the past, if he ever had any issue with it, we talked, resolved it and that was it. I'm an easy person to talk to. I don't get angry or upset, I try to solve the issue so we can both be happy. *If it's more sex he wanted or different sex, I would be more than willing to try.* Anytime I ask he says our sex is just how he wants it. So I don't know what to think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The problem is that you can't fake not being digusted and repulsed by sex. I really think that is the root of the problem. He wants a partner who actually likes having sex with him. Unfortunately, that will never be you (that is a fact, not a judgment). So how do you address that? What compromise is there?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I have suggested counseling for his anger a few times. He said "I don't need that. I wouldn't take it seriously. They won't tell me anything I don't already know." When he was a child, he saw a therapist and was put on medication (I don't know what kind) for his defiance. He told me he told the psychiatrist whatever they wanted to hear. He also pretended to take the meds but hid it up his sleeve and flushed it down the toilet when his mother wasn't looking. I'm not against counseling for myself. I have been to therapists plenty of times. Some previous people were mentioning therapy as a way to "cure" asexuality and that's what I'm not interested in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not advocating therapy to "cure" you. I am advocating therapy to deal with the disconnect that you have with your husband. I would not accuse him of having anger issues, because that will trigger his defiance. I would tell him that you need counseling because you don't feel heard in the relationship and want another opinion on the matter. I would then suggest you each have individual counseling at the same time to work through this as well. Don't diagnose, just tell him that there are issues that you both need to work through.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> If I had written "Wife who hates sex being disrespected" would it really have made a difference? What's the problem with saying asexual?? For the life of me I cannot understand why people are so angsty about it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now come on Jen, let's not be ridiculous, you can clearly see that this was in response to a point that Jaq made. The was no anger or angst, expressed in my post.

Jaquen: "She has NOT asked a single one of you people for assistance with "curing" her asexuality."

Tony:*Yet, the title begins with the word asexual; she meant the thread to take into account her identity as an asexual*.

Take a deep breath, Jen, back off the paranoia a bit.

T


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Memento said:


> ps- how is being alone "perpetual unhappiness"? Why not look for an asexual man?


I meant to say that divorce was one option, and staying in a perpetually unhappy marriage was the other option.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> She has not accepted the inhumane situation she is enforcing her poor husband to endure.


First, I don't view the husband she has descirbed as 'poor'. I'd use words like immature, overly emotional, abusive and disrespectful before I used poor. Second, she is not forcing him to endure anything. He is. She was upfront about her sexuality and, despite this, she has more than compromised by offering him sexual opportunities roughly three times a week, which is an astonding rate for an asexual person. He is the one who chose to marry someone who is a self-declared asexual, he commited himself to this situation, and he is the one who is forcing himself to 'endure' it.



JenTee said:


> He shuts down sometimes and ignores me. Other times he will get very angry and yell at me. He threw the tv remote across the room one time.  That was frightening. Other than that and the other instance he hasn't behaved in that manner. He just gets angry and tells me to quit crying and says he doesn't want to listen to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This right here is a big problem and should be the bigger reason at the moment to consider leaving. Having sexual problems is one thing, but being fearful of physical violence is another. You shouldn't have to worry that your partner will slam you to the ground or chuck a remote control around the room. THIS should be the prime issue of concern for you at the moment, his violence and rage. Are you sure you're safe?

I thought I quoted several other posts from this thread but they seem to have gone missing, so I'll just add a few points.

Firstly, for the most part Jaquen is pretty bang on on his assessment of things in this thread. As always, good job Jaquen.

Secondly, I'm appalled by people's views towards Jen's asexuality, seemingly blaming her for how she is. Asexuality is something she is comfortable with, and isn't something she sprang on her husband. Stop wasting her time with efforts to 'cure her' or chastising her for her lack of libido.

Thirdly, I'm also appauled at how many in this thread have defended the husband here. Jen has noted he has assaulted her, has anger issues, belittles her in public by groping her, throws things, refuses counselling and acts very immaturely. If Jen was a LD person, we would all be pointing the finger at this man and telling her she needs to get him to shape up or to ditch his sorry @$$. Yet, because she is asexual, he is a "poor husband" who is being "tortured" in a realtionship and deserves so much more?

Please, the only thing he needs is a boot to the skull and to get his ass chewed out about how not to act. In or out of a relationship no one should act the way he is. His actions should be attacked, not referred to as seemingly justified by some posters.

Finally, while I have myself said that I think Jen and her husband were foolish to marry, they are married. If they want to divorce, they can. All of us posters sitting her posting 15 pages about how they should divorce, their marriage is doomed, they are foolish to keep trying, etc. are downright out to lunch. I do as well question if a marriage can survive this and I might have advised divorce myself but please remember, this marriage began under the undrstanding that Jen was asexual, so this isn't a new thing. If the husband misunderstood what that meant, that's his cross to bear and he can decide if he wants to leave or stay. He however isn't on this board, Jen is, and she wants to make the marriage work and has ruled out divorce, so let it go and either focus your efforts on helping her find ways to help the problem (such as EleGirl suggesting a redirection of touch which Jen said she will try) or just stop posting. Being the 110th person to say she should divorce will not be the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I have a few questions for Jen. If you were told there was a way to overcome your asexuality, would you want to, or would you prefer to be asexual? (NOTE: I only ask to gain perspective on your thought process towards sex and your husband, not to try and 'cure you' or something, so please don't take that as an insult, it is not intended as one.) Also, once you are financially able to, will you take counselling for yourself, even if your husband doesn't want to go? I think it could be beneficial to get another perspective on things regarding marriage in general. 

Finally Jen, I have to admit I know almost nothing about asexuality. Would it be ok if I PMed you some questions I have? I don't want to distracted from this thread, but I am having trouble understanding asexuality.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Please, the only thing he needs is a boot to the skull and to get his ass chewed out about how not to act. In or out of a relationship no one should act the way he is. His actions should be attacked, not referred to as seemingly justified by some posters.


I disagree somewhat. I completely believe that his actions are wrong, and yet still can understand and have compassion for both of them. I think that there is a real possibility that his sexual maturity has been stunted by this relationship. I also supect that he did not truly understand what he was getting into. 

Understanding the underlying reasons is not to excuse or justify them, but rather to help address this problem. As terrible as they are, I think his actions are symptoms of a larger problem that they both need to really work through. If the husband refuses to do this, then I don't know that Jen has many options apart from divorce.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I agree that his actions are symptoms of a larger issue. My point was there are better ways to ellude to this larger issue than pinning your wife to the floor.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Thirdly, I'm also appauled at how many in this thread have defended the husband here. Jen has noted he has assaulted her, has anger issues, belittles her in public by groping her, throws things, refuses counselling and acts very immaturely. If Jen was a LD person, we would all be pointing the finger at this man and telling her she needs to get him to shape up or to ditch his sorry @$$. Yet, because she is asexual, he is a "poor husband" who is being "tortured" in a realtionship and deserves so much more?


We are explaining his behavior, not excusing it. If he had been the one posting this story we would say tell him very firmly that forcing himself on his wife is unacceptable. But the appropriate course of action, due to their incompatibility is to lawyer up and get a divorce, find a new woman that likes sex.



> Please, the only thing he needs is a boot to the skull and to get his ass chewed out about how not to act. In or out of a relationship no one should act the way he is. His actions should be attacked, not referred to as seemingly justified by some posters.


You really think a "boot to the skull" can make two people with differing sexual orientations compatible? 



> Finally, while I have myself said that I think Jen and her husband were foolish to marry, they are married. If they want to divorce, they can. All of us posters sitting her posting 15 pages about how they should divorce, their marriage is doomed, they are foolish to keep trying, etc. are downright out to lunch. I do as well question if a marriage can survive this and I might have advised divorce myself but please remember, this marriage began under the undrstanding that Jen was asexual, so this isn't a new thing. If the husband misunderstood what that meant, that's his cross to bear and he can decide if he wants to leave or stay. He however isn't on this board, Jen is, and she wants to make the marriage work and has ruled out divorce, so let it go and either focus your efforts on helping her find ways to help the problem (such as EleGirl suggesting a redirection of touch which Jen said she will try) or just stop posting. Being the 110th person to say she should divorce will not be the straw that broke the camel's back.


I think one of us has misread her story. My understanding was that he asked before marriage whether her sex drive would ever increase and she said no. But she also said that she only recently started reading about asexuality and identifying her self as asexual. So the asexual designation came about after marriage, unless I am misunderstanding the story.

The other day I posted a situation of mine on TAM and everyone kept telling me I was being an a$$. I kept waiting for someone to take my side but no one did. After 20 or 30 responses like that I reached the conclusion that they were right, and they were. So I don't know about your last straw theory.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I have a few questions for Jen. If you were told there was a way to overcome your asexuality, would you want to, or would you prefer to be asexual? (NOTE: I only ask to gain perspective on your thought process towards sex and your husband, not to try and 'cure you' or something, so please don't take that as an insult, it is not intended as one.) Also, once you are financially able to, will you take counselling for yourself, even if your husband doesn't want to go? I think it could be beneficial to get another perspective on things regarding marriage in general.
> 
> Finally Jen, I have to admit I know almost nothing about asexuality. Would it be ok if I PMed you some questions I have? I don't want to distracted from this thread, but I am having trouble understanding asexuality.


Oh boy, brace yourself, you said the A word, everything else in your thoughtful post will now be ignored.

T


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Amen! This thread really is reminding me of when my cousin came out of the closet as a homosexual. My grandparents shouted at him saying he needed therapy and to speak to a priest. They insisted he could learn to be attracted to women and that all of his homosexuality was a disorder that could be corrected with counseling. This is not how I intended for this thread to go at all. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think it would be right if your cousin married a woman and could "put up with" giving her oral 2 days a week if she treated him with respect?


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I hate it so much but I do it anyway. Regular sex feels like rape to me. Sex is always painful and makes me feel gross. I have no desire ever...never have.





JenTee said:


> I understand what you're saying *but I didn't have too much of an issue giving into it *as long as I was still being respected.


:scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee, did you classify yourself as asexual before, or after, the wedding?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

east2west said:


> We are explaining his behavior, not excusing it. If he had been the one posting this story we would say tell him very firmly that forcing himself on his wife is unacceptable. But the appropriate course of action, due to their incompatibility is to lawyer up and get a divorce, find a new woman that likes sex.


This was referring to the people alluding to him as the 'poor husband', not those with genuine regard for the OP or for the marriage. To many were simply sympathizing with the husband, IMO. I do not lump you in with that group.



east2west said:


> You really think a "boot to the skull" can make two people with differing sexual orientations compatible?


Did I say it would? No. I'm just saying that when a husband acts like that he deserves to be treated accordingly.



east2west said:


> I think one of us has misread her story. My understanding was that he asked before marriage whether her sex drive would ever increase and she said no. But she also said that she only recently started reading about asexuality and identifying her self as asexual. So the asexual designation came about after marriage, unless I am misunderstanding the story.


It's possible you may be right on this. My understanding was she had stated she was asexual, but she may have been saying she was not sexual at all. Either way, when it comes to sex itself, it's the same outcome; she doesn't want it nor gets anything out of it and I think we can both agree that message was conveyed to her husband by her.



east2west said:


> The other day I posted a situation of mine on TAM and everyone kept telling me I was being an a$$. I kept waiting for someone to take my side but no one did. After 20 or 30 responses like that I reached the conclusion that they were right, and they were. So I don't know about your last straw theory.


I'm only referrig to this thread, not all threads in general.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Jen, I've been thinking about this thread since I posted the first time today. And I admit that I am one of the people ignorant to asexuality. But I took a moment to step back and try to re-read your post through your eyes as much as possible.... The bolded areas really stuck out to me:




JenTee said:


> *The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen*. I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place. I feel so so humiliated. I even said many times.. do it at home (I'd still hate it), not in public. However, he says okay but never listens to me. I'm not sure what to do. He did this today. *I am tired of being "careful" about what I wear. Meaning, not wearing tight fitting clothes because he won't stop touching me. It makes me cry sometimes*. If I express how I feel and cry about it, I get ragefully yelled at. So I keep it inside.. I go into the lavatory and cry. How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse. While I was driving today he started grabbing at my chest. I told him to quit it. He started saying " They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them." *When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally *
> 
> *My eyes filled with tears and I said STOP I AM SICK PLEASE JUST STOP! *
> 
> *I am unclear whether I am in an abusive marriage or not. What is the proper way to deal with the grabbing? *It's not as if he doesn't get sex and it's not like I've ever changed and suddenly decided I don't like sex.. it's always been this way (almost 10 years as I said.). *Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help! *


Regardless of myself or anybody else's thoughts on your husband and his behavior, if you feel abused why would *you* stay? Forget about the fact that he knew this about you before marriage, look at his actions now, and I don't see them changing. Especially if therapy is off the table.

Regardless of my personal views on your situation, I encourage you to really look at these things and come to a decision that will help you better lead a healthly and fulfilling life, for *yourself *


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Oh boy, brace yourself, you said the A word, everything else in your thoughtful post will now be ignored.
> 
> T


Are you being purposefully obtuse Tony?

Not one single person in this thread has objected to general discussions about asexuality. Obviously Jen intended for asexuality to fold into the conversation from the get go.

You seem to either be clueless about, or purposefully obtuse to, the idea that discussing how asexuality impacts Jen's marriage is NOT in the same ballpark as having a general debate about whether Jen is actually asexual, or not. Considering that she's asked you, and a couple other people, time and again to stop addressing her about changing her sexual orientation, and you persist anyway, is terrible.

Stop making this woman's thread all about your thwarted efforts to have a general debate about the merits of asexuality. If you want to discuss the topic so badly, start a thread.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

JenTee said:


> I do have regular gyno appointments. I was put on BC pills at one point to see if that would change anything. It didn't change a single thing sexually. All it did was make me an angry emotional mess. The dr asked once if I was sexually active because I seemed unusually "tight". I told her I was but not often because I didn't enjoy it and wasn't into it. She told me she hears that from older woman constantly. She suggested BC pills. I tried three different kinds. None of them did anything for me sexually. I stopped taking them because they increased my depression.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's clear that you have made efforts on the medical front. This is all that can be asked of you in this regard. As we move through the thread, we're just trying to isolate different variables. It is clear that you have explored this path. That is good for you & your husband.

One side note, however, you say the BC pills "increased your depression." How extensive is your depression now? Are you currently seeing a professional to address these depression issues? And are you taking any anti-depressant medication? While they wouldn't completely explain your situation, these medications can contribute to a decrease in libido, as well.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> While they wouldn't completely explain your situation, these medications can contribute to a decrease in libido, as well.


She has not seen a decrease in libido.

She doesn't have a libido. 

She never has had a libido.

Anti-depressants can't suppress a libido that has never existed.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

This was directed at me...



jaquen said:


> Not one single person in this thread has objected to general discussions about asexuality.
> 
> Considering that she's asked you... ...time and again to stop addressing her about changing her sexual orientation, and you persist anyway, is terrible.
> 
> Stop making this woman's thread all about your thwarted efforts to have a general debate about the merits of asexuality. If you want to discuss the topic so badly, start a thread.


Get your facts straight my friend:

She has complained numerous times about the discussion of her asexuality.
I've never asked her to change her "sexual orientation".
And I've never tried to debate the merits of asexuality.

I'm not sure if you, Jaquen, are just confused, or slightly delusional, I'm going to guess a little confused, but you should be careful with your accusations, you need to be sure they have merit, otherwise, you're just adding to the noise that clouds the issue.

T


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

jaquen said:


> She has not seen a decrease in libido.
> 
> She doesn't have a libido.
> 
> ...


Hey, hey, settle down now. I'm just exploring different paths that may help shed different light on the situation.

For all we know, she could have been taking anti-depressants for the past decade. If so, that could have had an impact on libido from the very beginning. 

I'm asking these questions in the spirit of trying to help. I'm not interested in fighting.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> This was directed at me...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sorry I even tried.

Clearly a lost cause. 

Take care.



MarriedTex said:


> Hey, hey, settle down now. I'm just exploring different paths that may help shed different light on the situation.
> 
> For all we know, she could have been taking anti-depressants for the past decade. If so, that could have had an impact on libido from the very beginning.
> 
> I'm asking these questions in the spirit of trying to help. I'm not interested in fighting.


I apologize. It was a knee jerk reaction to the constant, and very ignorant, comments about this poster. I feel exceptionally bad at the reception she's getting on the topic of her asexuality, as much of it is steeped knee deep in ignorance.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

^^^ Agreed Jaquen. I fear the OP has left for good over that poster abuse.

She should have said she was a LD spouse instead of an asexual wife. She would have received much more support and being asexual is LD anyways.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> ^^^ Agreed Jaquen. I fear the OP has left for good over that poster abuse.
> 
> She should have said she was a LD spouse instead of an asexual wife. She would have received much more support and being asexual is LD anyways.


Agreed, LD and Asexuality are just two steps along the same spectrum. Bottom line results are pretty much the same.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I apologize. It was a knee jerk reaction to the constant, and very ignorant, comments about this poster. I feel exceptionally bad at the reception she's getting on the topic of her asexuality, as much of it is steeped knee deep in ignorance.


Explain the "*deep ignorance*" that everyone has displayed here Jaquen. Tell the posters here exactly what they were* ignorant* about, do it in the spirit of fairness, qualify your statement. Don't do a Sean Hannity or a Glenn Beck on us, don't just throw out ridiculous charges and show up again tomorrow with more ridiculous accusations, own what your'e saying, explain it.

T


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> ^^^ Agreed Jaquen. I fear the OP has left for good over that poster abuse.
> 
> She should have said she was a LD spouse instead of an asexual wife. She would have received much more support and being asexual is LD anyways.


Low does not mean non existent. They are not synonyms.
Most people have a very hard time understanding the concept "asexual". It is not something they can relate easily. But in all fairness, I don't think she was open to advice. She was looking for assurance.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Explain the "*deep ignorance*" that everyone has displayed here Jaquen. Tell the posters here exactly what they were* ignorant* about, do it in the spirit of fairness, qualify your statement. Don't do a Sean Hannity or a Glenn Beck on us, don't just throw out ridiculous charges and show up again tomorrow with more ridiculous accusations, own what your'e saying, explain it.
> 
> T


Excuse me, but some of us like Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck! Not that any of that matters here. But this just adds to the point jaquen made.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Memento said:


> Low does not mean non existent. They are not synonyms.
> Most people have a very hard time understanding the concept "asexual". It is not something they can relate easily. But in all fairness, I don't think she was open to advice. She was looking for assurance.


I don't mean to imply they are synonyms, rather, that they can have the same affects on a husband, which is why she initially came in here looking for help. Whether asexual or LD, what she is offering, and what so many posters clamoured on, was essentially 'duty sex.' I feel that she could have had a much more favorable response by claiming LD though, not saying she's asexual.

I agree that many people have a tough time understanding asexuality. I do as well, which is part of why I asked to PM Jen to ask her further questions on the issue. I didn't try to find a 'cure' for it which is what several posters seemed to do.

I do believe she was looking advice also, but she was left to spend most of the time defending her asexuality. In the year 2012 I find it odd than anyone should have to defend their sexuality.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Memento said:


> Excuse me, but some of us like Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck! Not that any of that matters here. But this just adds to the point jaquen made.


And his point is what Memento? Explain his point to us. Do it for the OP and the rest of the people here who don't understand.

T


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> And his point is what Memento? Explain his point to us. Do it for the OP and the rest of the people here who don't understand.
> 
> T



"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities." Albert Einstein


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> This was referring to the people alluding to him as the 'poor husband', not those with genuine regard for the OP or for the marriage. To many were simply sympathizing with the husband, IMO. I do not lump you in with that group.


I stand guilty of using "poor" language. There is no excuse for his abusive behavior or his public groping against her will. He has become an abusive husband and refuses therapy.

The husband is very young and immature. If he were mature then he would realize he needs to leave. The OP is young and seems to have a higher level of maturity and should realize it is now her responsibility to end this relationship. It has devolved into an abusive relationship. It will continue to be an abusive relationship. 

My only sympathy to the husband is that he does not truly understand what he has gotten himself into and his wife refuses to let him go.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Jen, I feel like you aren't being 100% honest with yourself or your husband. If he knew how you were from the beginning why are you having sex with him at all? Did you also tell him that you would essentially put up with sex just to make him happy? At the young age the two of you were at if that is the case, he probably thought nothing of it because he just saw sex as sex and if he was getting it what did he care about his partners intent. So now he could be feeling that you don't enjoy it but you do it for him so how is the groping any different. He isn't used to reading signals from a partner that is engaged or disengaged in his advances because you are never fully engaged with him. So now you are telling him you don't enjoy it but he is possibly seeing it as another thing he wants that you don't so in his mind why can't you just get past it as well.

Also, look at this long term. This is still a fairly young relationship, how long do you really think you can keep having sex when you don't enjoy it? A lot of women who start off in a marriage having and enjoying it end up 20-30 years down the road NEVER wanting to have sex. Then their husbands end up sexually frustrated and fed up. You are starting off not wanting it. Can you really keep this up for 30 years? It isn't fair to your husband and it isn't fair to you.

You said he knew how you were. Well I think you need to sit him down again and start that conversation over. Tell him that you don't want to be groped ever again. That you don't want to be having sex. And stop having it because you don't want to do it. Ask him if he can live with that. Because there is no way you will keep this up for the next few decades.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I do believe she was looking advice also, but she was left to spend most of the time defending her asexuality. In the year 2012 I find it odd than anyone should have to defend their sexuality.


So, Kingsfan, you actually believe that she HAD to defend her sexuality? Have you over looked the many posts in which people tried to offer support and understanding and tried offering explanations and suggestions? She had many opportunities to engage in deep discussion, her aggressive defensiveness, in fact, was an obvious sign of her own internal conflict.

Correction on the defense of a sexuality. To be true to the implied absence of any sexually driven orientation, there is no sexuality, and as such, nothing to defend.

T


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I don't mean to imply they are synonyms, rather, that they can have the same affects on a husband, which is why she initially came in here looking for help. Whether asexual or LD, what she is offering, and what so many posters clamoured on, was essentially 'duty sex.' I feel that she could have had a much more favorable response by claiming LD though, not saying she's asexual.
> 
> I agree that many people have a tough time understanding asexuality. I do as well, which is part of why I asked to PM Jen to ask her further questions on the issue. I didn't try to find a 'cure' for it which is what several posters seemed to do.
> 
> I do believe she was looking advice also, but she was left to spend most of the time defending her asexuality. In the year 2012 I find it odd than anyone should have to defend their sexuality.


From the perspective of finding acceptance for her sexual orientation, unfortunately I think she found the wrong board. TAM has proven time, and again, that a large swath of posters here are totally clueless when it comes to non-traditional sex, and gender, behavior and identity. 

But it's unfortunate because she isn't likely to get a lot of support either on asexual forums. Many who consider themselves asexual will never take well to an asexual allowing a sexual person to use their body. The proud, and out asexual, doesn't embrace conformity, so some are very likely to look down on her decision to provide sex for the sake of her husband, to her own potential detriment. It would be like going to a forum for gay people and asking for advice on how to please your opposite sex spouse. That wouldn't fly.

So the woman is understandably stuck between rock and a hard place, in both her marriage, and in an attempt to seek any kind of major embrace, and understanding.

I will say this; in regards to putting in serious thought into getting out the marriage, I do think TAMers in this thread have, on the whole, offered very sound, very logical advice. Even if Jen isn't in the place to receive it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> So, Kingsfan, you actually believe that she HAD to defend her sexuality? Have you over looked the many posts in which people tried to offer support and understanding and tried offering explanations and suggestions? She had many opportunities to engage in deep discussion, her aggressive defensiveness, in fact, was an obvious sign of her own internal conflict.
> 
> Correction on the defense of a sexuality. To be true to the implied absence of any sexually driven orientation, there is no sexuality, and as such, nothing to defend.
> 
> T


Yes I do believe she did. Did I say she had to defend it every post for 18 pages? No, but some people have focused far to much on her sexuality (or lack there of in your opinion) and not on the issue at hand.

For the record, I myself would be rather agressive as well if I started a thread about my relationship with my finacee and I had to spend a good portion of it explaining or defending my sexuality and not focusing on the issue for which I came here in the first place.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I will say this; in regards to putting in serious thought into getting out the marriage, I do think TAMers in this thread have, on the whole, offered very sound, very logical advice. Even if Jen isn't in the place to receive it.


On this I do agree. That said, I think a lot of that advice should have been dropped when she made it clear that divorce wasn't an option. She clearly had strong beliefs to not entertain the notion of divorce. It'd be like pushing a virgin to have sex before his wedding day. It's good advice as we all know the perils of waiting until your wedding night to find out if everything matches up there, but it's advice which likely should be mentioned once and left at that as there is deep reasoning why someone would wait until their wedding night to have sex.


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## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

RE: open relationship



JenTee said:


> Neither of us would be ok with that. Not him and not I.


"I don't want to have sex with you, but I don't want you having sex with anyone else either."



It is he who needs to divorce. What sexual person can possibly be happy with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them? Divorce is not an option? Then neither is happiness... bottom line.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

FeedbackLoop said:


> RE: open relationship
> 
> 
> 
> "I don't want to have sex with you, but I don't want you having sex with anyone else either."


If a LD spouse in a sexless marriage said that, would it still be confusing to you?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I do believe she was looking advice also, but she was left to spend most of the time defending her asexuality. In the year 2012 I find it odd than anyone should have to defend their sexuality.


Hmmm. On the contrary, I think skins are a little too thin on this discussion.

Asexuals make up an estimated 1% of the population. That puts them in full-on 3 sigma territory. As there is not even consensus among the psychiatric community on the causes, diagnosis, or treatment (if necessary) of this orientation, it is reasonable to question what I presume from reading the discussion is a self-diagnosis. 

The folks over at Sinclair have this to say:

"Disinterest in sex also may be due to a sexual dysfunction; that is, a psychological or organic condition that blocks normal sexual behaviors and responses. Specifically, in the case of complete disinterest in sex, the condition may be diagnosed as sexual desire disorder.

In sexual desire disorder the individual has a persistent absence of sexual fantasies or desire for engaging in sex. Further, the individual exhibits an intense aversion to either heterosexual or homosexual genital sexual contact."

Given what you've read so far, does this not sound like a reasonable path to at least explore?

If I come to a forum and ask for advice on how to commit suicide, I should not be too surprised if some of the advice comes back not as "go jump off a bridge" but instead as "perhaps there's a reason for your depression that you haven't explored".

We don't know her or her history, and so far, I think most folks have been reasonable in their inquiries into her orientation.


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## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> If a LD spouse in a sexless marriage said that, would it still be confusing to you?


Yep. She may be perfectly compatible with him non-sexually, but if sex is worthless to her, then she shouldn't care who he's having it with.

Come to think of it, repulsion to sex, absolutely no divorce... could an extreme repressive religious upbringing be the root here?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

FeedbackLoop said:


> RE: open relationship
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're new to TAM it looks like.

Unfortunately this isn't uncommon at all. Lots of people on this board have low drive spouses who expect total faithfulness, regardless of how little sex they're doling out. And the inverse is true as well; lots of people here saying they could never see themselves seeking outside satisfaction, or a divorce, even when faced with spouses who refuse to give adequate sexual attention.

Jen, in this regard, is in plentiful company.


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## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You're new to TAM it looks like.
> 
> Unfortunately this isn't uncommon at all. Lots of people on this board have low drive spouses who expect total faithfulness, regardless of how little sex they're doling out. And the inverse is true as well; lots of people here saying they could never see themselves seeking outside satisfaction, or a divorce, even when faced with spouses who refuse to give adequate sexual attention.
> 
> Jen, in this regard, is in plentiful company.


Common as it may be, I certainly don't understand it. If my wife is vegetarian and refuses to have meat in the home, I'm heading out for a steak from time to time.

The OP should have only married another asexual person. She's basically no different than a homosexual man who marries a heterosexual woman. Its cruel to the woman even if she knows about the repressed homosexuality - and this too is not uncommon among folks who believe being gay is a sin.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cletus said:


> If I come to a forum and ask for advice on how to commit suicide, I should not be too surprised if some of the advice comes back not as "go jump off a bridge" but instead as "perhaps there's a reason for your depression that you haven't explored".


Really? We're equating asexuality now to suicide? Dear God.

No. The bottom line is that if a person is perfectly content in a sexless existence, there is no "help" that needs to be offered. The world is not improved, or made worse, one way or another by Jen's lack of sexual interest.

That's what is so incredibly baffling about all these ridiculous challenges to her sexuality; they are made from a seat of judgement that supposes that her lack of libido is somehow a moral wrong that she is obligated to correct.

She has never stated that her asexuality is shameful, wrong, or in need of correction. So the debate about asexuality, and attempts to get her help, are misguided, at best, because there is utterly zero reason to push them.

Her husband made the mistake of marrying her, and she him. That will eventually be remedied one way or another. Her asexuality is only a detriment as it pertains to her marriage. 

This board is filled to the brim with spouses of LD individuals. Most of those LD people don't seem to be in any kind of angst over their drives. It's actually the sexually charged folks who are steeped in all the angst, heartbreak, confusion, and pain.

Truth be told LD, and asexual, people who have accepted their lot seem to be perfectly content. As long as they get out of relationships with people who are hurt by their state, there is NO reason to attempt to offer help.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> On this I do agree. *That said, I think a lot of that advice should have been dropped when she made it clear that divorce wasn't an option.* She clearly had strong beliefs to not entertain the notion of divorce. It'd be like pushing a virgin to have sex before his wedding day. It's good advice as we all know the perils of waiting until your wedding night to find out if everything matches up there, but it's advice which likely should be mentioned once and left at that as there is deep reasoning why someone would wait until their wedding night to have sex.


In your own words you have stated that he is *abusive*. You seriously would drop the advise that she not escape an abusive relationship ? 

Who else here suggests she stay in an abusive relationship? Who else thinks it is OK to not keep advising an abused spouse to not leave? 

Stand up and identify yourselves.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Hmmm. On the contrary, I think skins are a little too thin on this discussion.
> 
> Asexuals make up an estimated 1% of the population. That puts them in full-on 3 sigma territory. As there is not even consensus among the psychiatric community on the causes, diagnosis, or treatment (if necessary) of this orientation, it is reasonable to question what I presume from reading the discussion is a self-diagnosis.
> 
> ...


Once again I'll say that all of this makes sense. That said, I'll also once again say it's a moot point considering why she came here. She wanted advice on her relationship with her husband, not to delve into why she's asexual. Even if she's not asexual by clinical definition, she is to herself, so it's really a waste of time debating. She wanted help with a specific issue and advice on what happened with her husband. Yet a thread which should have been focused more on what her husband gets out of sex (and isn't) and how she may be in an abusive relationship was morphed into her masturbation tendencies and whether or not she is truly asexual or could be 'cured'. 



FeedbackLoop said:


> Yep. She may be perfectly compatible with him non-sexually, but if sex is worthless to her, then she shouldn't care who he's having it with.
> 
> Come to think of it, repulsion to sex, absolutely no divorce... could an extreme repressive religious upbringing be the root here?


If you think that marriage vows mean nothing to LD or asexual spouses you may want to read up more around here. While I agree that forcing a spouse to go without meaningful sex is wrong (unless he willingly agrees to it like in this thread), that is rarely the thought of a LD spouse.

I do agree that religion could be a factor here though.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> In your own words you have stated that he is *abusive*. You seriously would drop the advise that she not escape an abusive relationship ?
> 
> Who else here suggests she stay in an abusive relationship? Who else thinks it is OK to not keep advising an abused spouse to not leave?
> 
> Stand up and identify yourselves.


No I will not drop it. That said, I'm not going to say it 100 times either. Some posters in this thread have stated several times that she get a divorce.

Of note, most of those who said she should get a divorce did so based on the sexual compatibility of her and her husband, not on the abuse. In fact I'd wager the number of people who said she should get a divorce due to abuse is very close to the number of people who said she should get a divorce to free her husband from the burden of a sexually unfulfilling marriage.

I have stated several times in this thread, including recently, that she has an abuse relationship and THAT should be the focus of her attention, not the issue of sexual compatibility. Don't paint me as someone who supports abusive relationships, if you've read my posts at all in this thread you'll know that's not how I feel. Read my first post in this thread for example. To label me as someone who supports or encourages people to stay in an abusive relationship is wrong, misguided, insulting and clearly ill-informed.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> No I will not drop it. That said, I'm not going to say it 100 times either. Some posters in this thread have stated several times that she get a divorce.
> 
> Of note, most of those who said she should get a divorce did so based on the sexual compatibility of her and her husband, not on the abuse. In fact I'd wager the number of people who said she should get a divorce due to abuse is very close to the number of people who said she should get a divorce to free her husband from the burden of a sexually unfulfilling marriage.
> 
> I have stated several times in this thread, including recently, that she has an abuse relationship and THAT should be the focus of her attention, not the issue of sexual compatibility. Don't paint me as someone who supports abusive relationships, if you've read my posts at all in this thread you'll know that's not how I feel. Read my first post in this thread for example. To label me as someone who supports or encourages people to stay in an abusive relationship is wrong, misguided, insulting and clearly ill-informed.


Fair enough.. I was wrong to label you as such. My apologies. 

I disagree that she does not need to hear it a 100, 1000 or 100,000 times. 

You may have a more effective approach to getting her to this realization. I sure hope it works.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Maybe I'm dense, but I would say the abuse stems from the lack of sexual compatibility. And as the sexual incompatibility is not going to change, the risk of further abuse is increased.

Accepting that she is asexual, she can't change. Accepting that he is sexual, he can't change.

Sometimes you just have to move on from a relationship that never can work. That's the theme I've heard in this thread and I believe it to be correct.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> Fair enough.. I was wrong to label you as such. My apologies.
> 
> I disagree that she does not need to hear it a 100, 1000 or 100,000 times.
> 
> You may have a more effective approach to getting her to this realization. I sure hope it works.


I don't profess to have a more effective approach at all. I don't think there is a standard effective approach to handling someone in an abusive relationship to be honest, other than pointing out the abuse (which I have done as have many others) and hoping they eventually take the blinders off.

In this thread though, more people advised divorce due to sexual issues, not abuse issues. If anything the abuse this woman is facing was swept under the rug largely in this thread which is a shame and why I think that if she had claimed to be LD and not asexual it likely would have been given more focus. It seems in many threads for LD people posters seek to find what causes them to be LD and focus on the other spouses behaviour first. In this thread though her asexuality was focused on and in some causes almost seemingly used as a reasoning behind the husbands lashing out physically and violently.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Really? We're equating asexuality now to suicide? Dear God.


It's an analogy. Settle down.



jaquen said:


> No. The bottom line is that if a person is perfectly content in a sexless existence, there is no "help" that needs to be offered. The world is not improved, or made worse, one way or another by Jen's lack of sexual interest.


Seems to me that her marriage might in fact be considerably improved if she were not completely asexual. It's a partnership, not two people living parallel lives in the same house.

I don't presume to say that she should do anything. She's clearly unhappy in some parts of her marriage right now. IF, and that's a huge IF, there's an underlying undiagnosed cause for her orientation, physical or psychological, then both she and her husband are suffering for it. A reasonable person doesn't throw out possibly reasonable solutions in a dogmatic stance. Especially a person who won't consider other possible solutions like divorce or an open marriage.



jaquen said:


> That's what is so incredibly baffling about all these ridiculous challenges to her sexuality; they are made from a seat of judgement that supposes that her lack of libido is somehow a moral wrong that she is obligated to correct.


I'm not seeing that at all. I see folks who pretty much figured out early in the conversation that her marital issues have several causes, the primary ones being her husband's immature sexual behavior and her own aversion to the act. I've also seen ample evidence of folks offering suggestions on all fronts. That the poster doesn't like some of the advice given doesn't render it completely wrong or meaningless. 

When I pose a question here, I expect and hope that I get honest opinions which I might not have considered. I am completely uninterested in what you *think* I want to hear.



jaquen said:


> This board is filled to the brim with spouses of LD individuals. Most of those LD people don't seem to be in any kind of angst over their drives. It's actually the sexually charged folks who are steeped in all the angst, heartbreak, confusion, and pain.


It's caused my own LD spouse more angst, heartbreak, confusion, and pain than you can imagine, because we are in a marriage and because it causes me AHCP.

It sounds like you're making a case for the LD spouse to be absolved of all burden to work on the mismatch issues in a marriage, but I don't think you believe that.

Personally, I think the OP has gone the distance in offering sex as frequently as she has, given her orientation. But were I in her shoes, I'd damn well want to know that I had exhausted all possible causes before I gave up on what the other 99% of the world, including my husband, considered one of life's greatest gifts.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Maybe I'm dense, but I would say the abuse stems from the lack of sexual compatibility.


I get what you're saying, but I do disagree. The asexuality might be causing the anger he's feeling, but we all have a resonablity to control our emotions and display them appropriately. If he decided to get angry about the sex and in turn get involved in a hobby or go out with the guys, that's fine. If he's choosing to get abusive, that's not. The abuse is his fault saolely and has no blame in the OP.

Once again, if she would have said she's LD, would anyone say that his abuse stems from lack of sexual compatibility or would they call a spade a spade and label him as an abusive spouse who can't control his anger?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> A reasonable person doesn't throw out possibly reasonable solutions in a dogmatic stance. Especially a person who won't consider other possible solutions like divorce or an open marriage.


This is the only thread not involving medical issues I have ever seen on TAM where the concept of an open marriage was deemed as a solution.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cletus said:


> It's an analogy. Settle down.


Don't tell me to settle down.

It's a bad analogy. Period.



Cletus said:


> Seems to me that her marriage might in fact be considerably improved if she were not completely asexual.


But she is completely asexual. Whether that is real, or as a result of some other hornomonal/mental issue is irrelevant. She classifies herself as asexual, she has expressed no problem with that classification, and she is not seeking aide to "cure" her orientation.



Cletus said:


> A reasonable person doesn't throw out possibly reasonable solutions in a dogmatic stance. Especially a person who won't consider other possible solutions like divorce or an open marriage.


Fair enough. However, on the inverse, a reasonable person doesn't continue offering help to a person who has stated that they aren't looking for help, and don't believe they are in the position where help is even necessary. 





Cletus said:


> It's caused my own LD spouse more angst, heartbreak, confusion, and pain than you can imagine, because we are in a marriage and because it causes me AHCP.


Which is why I expressly said "*most*", not all.



Cletus said:


> It sounds like you're making a case for the LD spouse to be absolved of all burden to work on the mismatch issues in a marriage, but I don't think you believe that.


Yes, if you knew my post history here, you'd probably laugh that you ever thought I'd advocate LD spouses being absolved of all burdens in their marriages.

That's not what I said in the post you quoted, at all. I said that there is nothing inherently wrong with a LD, or asexual, persons in and of themselves. If they are comfortable, alone, or in a relationship with someone else of the like, then there is no reason to provide solutions, or take action.

It's when they are in a relationship with a sexual person that the problem arises.

People trying to offer "fixes" to the OP's asexuality, going as far as to tell her it's a disorder, are out of line. She's already made her choice. She accepts her asexuality, and has no intention, or desire, to get to the root of her so called problem.



Cletus said:


> But were I in her shoes, I'd damn well want to know that I had exhausted all possible causes before I gave up on what the other 99% of the world, including my husband, considered one of life's greatest gifts.


Which, in case you missed it, she has done.

And the solution is that she has accepted, and embraced, herself as an asexual person.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> This is the only thread not involving medical issues I have ever seen on TAM where the concept of an open marriage was deemed as a solution.


Well, it wasn't my idea, but to paraphrase Sherlock Holmes:

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

It might be a solution akin to amputating your leg at the knee to relieve your foot pain. On the other hand, it might be seen as a wonderful solution to someone who would just as soon not be bothered by sex.

And I think most of us agree that the OP is going to get to the point one day, sooner rather than later, where offering up her body for an act she finds disgusting becomes an unendurable burden.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Well, it wasn't my idea, but to paraphrase Sherlock Holmes:
> 
> When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.


I want to fly but flapping my arms, jumping up and down and trying a running take off haven't worked.

I guess I should try jumping off a cliff, it's all that's left.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I want to fly but flapping my arms, jumping up and down and trying a running take off haven't worked.
> 
> I guess I should try jumping off a cliff, it's all that's left.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I want to fly but flapping my arms, jumping up and down and trying a running take off haven't worked.
> 
> I guess I should try jumping off a cliff, it's all that's left.


Buy yourself a squirrel suit and a parachute and give it a shot. You might just enjoy it.

The best wing suit /skydive from you tube PART1 - YouTube

At this point, folks are grasping for lesser-of-several-evils solutions to an intractable problem. They don't all have equal merit.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Is it me or is the OP utterly oblivious to the concept that in order to have satisfying sex-life you need to know that your partner is enjoying you and getting satisfied by you? I'm not buying that her husband still is in the mindset that 'sex is sex' in which his partners desire for sex and him do not matter. 

Everytime sexual disfunction in a relationship is discussed one particular glaring problem that arises, irrelevant of gender, orientation, age,etc, is that the sexual person is feeling unloved, unwanted and have their self-esteem shattered. I have read the entire thread and I can't find the OP ever addressing this particularly essential aspect of a sex-life although it has been brought up by others multiple times. All I see is that she says that her husband is fine with the sex-life as it is and considering how immature this guy seems to be I doubt he has the capability to express his desire for a normal sexual relationship in a healthy way.

If all you can give him is sex out of obligation then how is he ever going to feel satisfied? There's a problem in your sex-life that cannot be repaired and I think not very much people would ever feel happy with a compromise about the issue. I'd rather break up/divorce my partner if she wouldn't enjoy our shared sexlife. What would be the point of trying to work on it? It wouldn't be much different from using a prostitute to just get over with it. Totally the opposite of what a sex life between two lovers should be like...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Buy yourself a squirrel suit and a parachute and give it a shot. You might just enjoy it.
> 
> The best wing suit /skydive from you tube PART1 - YouTube
> 
> At this point, folks are grasping for lesser-of-several-evils solutions to an intractable problem. They don't all have equal merit.


Ahh, but that's not flying now is it? Same thing with an open marriage. By TAM's accepted view on open marriage, it's not a good thing and generally viewed as a death sentence. The same should apply here, regardless of the asexuality of the OP.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Ahh, but that's not flying now is it? Same thing with an open marriage. By TAM's accepted view on open marriage, it's not a good thing and generally viewed as a death sentence. The same should apply here, regardless of the asexuality of the OP.


Assuming TAM had an accepted policy on a marriage between an asexual and a typical heterosexual, I'll go way out on a limb here and guess that the wording would be identical.

Do you trade one death sentence for another to save the relationship? That's up to the individuals to choose what they consider fatal. I'm not sure I could do it either.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I get what you're saying, but I do disagree. The asexuality might be causing the anger he's feeling, but we all have a resonablity to control our emotions and display them appropriately. If he decided to get angry about the sex and in turn get involved in a hobby or go out with the guys, that's fine. If he's choosing to get abusive, that's not. The abuse is his fault saolely and has no blame in the OP.
> 
> Once again, if she would have said she's LD, would anyone say that his abuse stems from lack of sexual compatibility or would they call a spade a spade and label him as an abusive spouse who can't control his anger?


It doesn't matter at all to me whether they are incompatible because he is HD and she is LD or if it's because he is sexual and she is asexual. Incompatible is still incompatible. Abuse is still abuse. He is still acting up out of sexual frustration, and it is still inexcusable. They should still get a divorce. 

The only distinction worth making is that if she is LD there is the possibility that she could change. But if she is asexual there is no possibility of change.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi, I've been busy all day. I have read through some things and will address some points that people have asked. If there's more you want me to answer.. I will be glad to. I'm just not going to go through 10 pages of posts and reply individually. I hope everyone understands.

~ I was never on any anti depressants. My depression is controllable. I do have days where I'm very very down but it's infrequent.

~ I DO know that no sex=no love, low self esteem and many many other issues to some people. I'm not saying anyone is incorrect.. all I'm trying to say is that thus far in my marriage, my husband has always been upfront and told me when there's something he wants changed. He HAS in the past told me he didn't like how I just laid there during sex. I DID improve and he told me he was very very happy with the change. I have continued to do so. He continues to act happy afterwards and all of that.

~ I learned the term "asexual" within the last few months. Throughout my relationship we referred to him as sexual and me as nonsexual. The definition of my feelings towards sex were never changed by using the term "asexual" versus calling it "nonsexual. He was always aware that I'm not the only person in the world who viewed it this way. He never acted as if I was crazy or strange or "disordered" as some of you called me.

~ Do I think I could endure years of sex that I'm not into? If I'm respected, YES. I am a people pleaser. I like to see him happy. The issue is that I'm not receiving respect right now or at other times that I mentioned.

~ I don't want a divorce. Please stop. It's been mentioned a hundred times and I'm not going to say "hey people on a forum told me to get divorced because I'm asexual so I'll call the lawyer tomorrow!" No, just no. I wanted constructive advice on the grabbing and the possible abuse. I know my asexuality is part of it but I wasn't asking for a debate on it. My sexual orientation or whatever I want to identify as is my personal business. If you're too close minded or have some sort of resentment or phobia of asexual people, please take it elsewhere. 

~ Almost all areas of my marriage have been happy and great except what I mentioned. Is it a big issue? Yes. People do overcome huge issues. Some people strongly disagree on how to raise children, religious beliefs, financial situations and much more. They overcome it.. maybe I can too? I'm sure as hell going to try. I didn't get married to just throw in the towel and give up so quickly.

~ As for the abuse, I came here asking as I was unsure if it was abuse or not. I am hearing loud and clear that is it. Point taken.. I get it now. Will I continue to accept that sort of behavior? No, I won't. I will not stick around to have some hold me down against my will. That isn't right and I see it now.

~ As for his anger, I think I'll need to find an appropriate time to try and discuss it with him better. I will be afraid. I'm not sure how it will go. 

~ People are suggesting I'm trolling this forum?? What? That's ridiculous.

~ I do care about his feelings. If I didn't care I would just go on about my business and not consider asking for help. 

~ I do have religious beliefs but they aren't strong and I was not raised in a strict household.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Let me be the first then to congratulate you on having a plan, being proactive, and doing what you think you should in a difficult situation.

Best of luck to you in working this out.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Let me be the first then to congratulate you on having a plan, being proactive, and doing what you think you should in a difficult situation.
> 
> Best of luck to you in working this out.


Thank you! I appreciate that! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

It is good to hear you will not stick around for abuse, but you have been sticking around for abuse. That is if you do not succumb to battered wife syndrome, or survive the next incident.

It is not ridiculous for some to suspect a troll at work here. Some of us want to believe it is, because we cannot understand how you can believe this will work.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> My sexual orientation or whatever I want to identify as is my personal business.


Well, to be fair, it's this threads business now, you made it so. 

From your very first post you identified your lack of sexuality with the treatment you got from your husband, if you didn't already make this connection, you wouldn't have pointed it out in your first post.


I had never heard of asexuality until recently but now it all makes sense. I give in to sex any amount between 1-3 times a week. Almost always me performing oral. I hate it so much but I do it anyway. Regular sex feels like rape to me.

Sex is always painful and makes me feel gross.

I have no desire ever...never have. I'm not gay either. I am even more repulsed by females.

The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen.

How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse.

"_They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them_." When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally.

Then comes the other issue.. when I've been grabbed at all day long and feel so used and disgusted.. I cannot fathom offering sex. I just can't do it.

I had THOUGHT the situation improved. He stopped getting angry over sex as much as he had. I THOUGHT he gained more respect for me but then he started grabbing me and not listening when I asked him to stop. So that's where the problem became huge for me.

I'm puzzled as to why he recently told me his drive is lower and sex is not a #1 importance to him anymore.

The issues you are having with your husband are based in some perverse sexual inclination on his part, add to that his inclination for big butt porn, and his being grabby with you, and you being a person who is repulsed by sexual contact, and you have a volatile situation.

Options not available are:

Divorce
Work on sexual repulsion
Therapy (for him)

*That leaves one avenue of attack; he needs to change his behavior.*

Some of the things you can try:

Explain to him that looking at porn doesn't help the situation.
Tell him you will not tolerate being groped in public.
Find information online that discusses his fetish and read it with him.

I'm not sure there's much else you can do.

T


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hey jen.. sorry you feel the need to defend yourself and your sexuality here, shame people could have stuck to the questions you asked... especially after you asked and asked again so nicely..

If any particular knuckle-dragger starts to offend you can block them...so you don't see their posts at all. It makes ignoring them incredibly easy.

It's in your profile.. under ignore posters or something like that.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Let me apologize if my anything I said was in an offensive manner. I hope this thread doesn't in anyway stop you from coming back.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Hey jen.. sorry you feel the need to defend yourself and your sexuality here, shame people could have stuck to the questions you asked... especially after you asked and asked again so nicely..
> 
> If any particular knuckle-dragger starts to offend you can block them...so you don't see their posts at all. It makes ignoring them incredibly easy.
> 
> It's in your profile.. under ignore posters or something like that.


Thank you! I was looking for a way to block people and I couldn't find it! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> Let me apologize if my anything I said was in an offensive manner. I hope this thread doesn't in anyway stop you from coming back.


Thank you! It's much appreciated! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Well, to be fair, it's this threads business now, you made it so.
> 
> From your very first post you identified your lack of sexuality with the treatment you got from your husband, if you didn't already make this connection, you wouldn't have pointed it out in your first post.
> 
> ...


Incorrect. He was never angry over sex. If he had an issue, he let me know and it was resolved.

Also, he doesn't have a "fetish". That's the porn he likes to view. You're pretty quick to label him as having a fetish. Yes, he views porn. He doesn't sit there on a daily basis doing it for hours. The amount he views it has been consistence and hasn't increased. I don't see anything wrong with looking at porn. Millions of people do it without any negative impact on their marriage. 

I do need the groping to stop. I already mentioned that I've told him this several times without a result. It may be my own fault for saying it in the wrong manner. I'm not sure .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Have you thought about your ability and willingness to offer him compromise sex to be appearing to please him on the outside but be damaging him and/or you on the inside, despite his sharing that he's fine with it and even despite his own conscious mind maybe? What if the perpetual sex to please him lacking your own desire is warping his feelings and twisting them at his unawares, making him an angry, groping, sexually immature, and abusive husband? Do you believe this is simply not a possible dynamic... If you can at least address it as possible, do you have any idea on how to solve that or are you willing to ask for advice/counseling for you (him, ideally) on what can be done about this specifically?

If someone is telling you there's something wrong with you for being asexual, ignore them... If people are questioning why an asexual woman would want to sexually tie up (you're not okay with him going outside the marriage as you said) a heterosexual man and believe he should be satisfied with the sex offered to him by a non-heterosexual member of the opposite sex, I think you need to seriously pay them some attention... Good luck... You don't deserve to be abused and as such should be considering EVERY possibility that might lead back to abuse, whether it's physical groping abuse or resentment-caused emotional abuse...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Have you thought about your ability and willingness to offer him compromise sex to be appearing to please him on the outside but be damaging him and/or you on the inside, despite his sharing that he's fine with it and even despite his own conscious mind maybe? What if the perpetual sex to please him lacking your own desire is warping his feelings and twisting them at his unawares, making him an angry, groping, sexually immature, and abusive husband? Do you believe this is simply not a possible dynamic... If you can at least address it as possible, do you have any idea on how to solve that or are you willing to ask for advice/counseling for you (him, ideally) on what can be done about this specifically?
> 
> If someone is telling you there's something wrong with you for being asexual, ignore them... If people are questioning why an asexual woman would want to sexually tie up (you're not okay with him going outside the marriage as you said) a heterosexual man and believe he should be satisfied with the sex offered to him by a non-heterosexual member of the opposite sex, I think you need to seriously pay them some attention... Good luck... You don't deserve to be abuse and as such should be considering EVERY possibility that might lead back to abuse...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I said I was unsure of why he behaves in that way. It could be a number of reasons. I don't know which one and I won't know until he tells me or realizes it himself and tells me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> Yes, I said I was unsure of why he behaves in that way. It could be a number of reasons. I don't know which one and I won't know until he tells me or realizes it himself and tells me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No you won't know that, but at least you're not blind to the possibility...

Of course, he would need to share that... It's a shame he cannot see a counselor either... 

Any chance he could post here? Probably not... Doesn't sound like the type, if you'll excuse my presumption.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> No you won't, so at at least you're not blind to the possibility...
> 
> Of course, he would need to share that... It's a shame he cannot see a counselor either...
> 
> ...


You're right. No chance at all. He's mostly into gaming and watching anime and that's all. He's not a forum browsing type of guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> You're right. No chance at all. He's mostly into gaming and watching anime and that's all. He's not a forum browsing type of guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow... I love gaming and anime!

TES V: Skyrim takes up my time most these days on the gaming bricks, and I am a Ghost in the Shell, Neon Genesis, Cowboy Bebop, and Fist of the North Star anime fanboy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Wow... I love gaming and anime!
> 
> TES V: Skyrim takes up my time most these days on the gaming bricks, and I am a Ghost in the Shell, Neon Genesis, Cowboy Bebop, and Fist of the North Star anime fanboy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha! My husband is into COD and Halo. He plays allll the time. I've never minded. I used to be heavily into every Super Mario game!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

Hey, Jen! I saw your reply, and I'm glad you liked my post. I was really worried about coming on too strong or seeming like I was overreacting. Glad that wasn't the case. You seem like you could use some more kind words, with this situation. I went to look for your email, but I didn't see it. Possibly you could send it again? Or I could resend my email. I'm actually on Internet on my phone right now, so phone is an option too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ConcernedCitizen said:


> Hey, Jen! I saw your reply, and I'm glad you liked my post. I was really worried about coming on too strong or seeming like I was overreacting. Glad that wasn't the case. You seem like you could use some more kind words, with this situation. I went to look for your email, but I didn't see it. Possibly you could send it again? Or I could resend my email. I'm actually on Internet on my phone right now, so phone is an option too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey! Thanks! I didn't send one. Just as I was going to email you I had to leave the house. I'm on my phone now also. I will try right now to send you an email from my phone! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> ~ I don't want a divorce. Please stop. It's been mentioned a hundred times and I'm not going to say "hey people on a forum told me to get divorced because I'm asexual so I'll call the lawyer tomorrow!" No, just no. I wanted constructive advice on the grabbing and the possible abuse. I know my asexuality is part of it but I wasn't asking for a debate on it. My sexual orientation or whatever I want to identify as is my personal business. If you're too close minded or have some sort of resentment or phobia of asexual people, please take it elsewhere.


It's not really surprising that you wouldn't consider divorce. As far as you are concerned this groping stuff is the only thing wrong in the ten years you have known each other. Everything else is great. But what you can't see is that you are not the one with the unfulfilled needs in the relationship. He is.

I watch this forum pretty closely and at least a few times a week there are posts from men who are in your husband's situation. Wife has no interest in sex, never has, but I always thought it would get better someday. Now it has been X years, and I can't take it anymore. X could be 1, 5, 10, 20 or 30.

They always get told the same thing. It's not going to get better, if you can't take it anymore then get a divorce. And they say, but she's my best friend, mother of my kids, everything else is great, but I'm still miserable. And we say, well you'd better plan to stay that way your whole life. A lot of the time, they choose to leave. That is how important sex is to sexual person.

It is very likely that sooner or later he will outgrow this period of thinking "I'm ok with you being asexual as long as I get some bjs". If he has some maturity he will merely leave you for a sexual woman, and if he doesn't do that he will probably hurt you physically, and possibly wind up in jail.

It just seems to me that being asexual you don't understand the forces of nature that you are dealing with.


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

Awesome, looking forward to it!  No hurry though, I didn't mean to rush you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ConcernedCitizen said:


> Awesome, looking forward to it!  No hurry though, I didn't mean to rush you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you reminded me. I can be forgetful sometimes!  I sent it. Let me know if you don't receive it for some reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I've been following this thread since it popped up on tumblr this morning, and I'm very intimidated to post given the reception to asexuals/non-sexuals here, but I'm going to give it a go. 

OP, if it helps you see my perspective, I'm also a 25 year old asexual woman in a long term relationship with a sexual man (For those curious, in my case, my partner did not know this about me when we first met because, while I have always been asexual, I had no name for it at the time and just thought I was "broken". I am not, I am just different. We are both committed to our relationship however, and since we've finally been able to pinpoint _why_ I am the way I am, we've worked together to find ways to make our relationship work in such a way that we are both happy and satisfied. Neither of us feels 'trapped' or 'used'.).

From my perspective, based on what you have written, no matter how well you connect on an emotional level with this person, you're in an abusive relationship that is being crippled by a severe communication problem. 

Your non-sexuality has nothing to do with it; NO person, whether they be heterosexual or gay, should have to put up with someone putting their hands on them when they don't want them to and have that person continue to do so when they've been asked to stop. 
My own partner and I are _very_ affectionate with each other (grabbing butts, hugging, kissing in public, etc), but we both respect the other to stop immediately if it is asked of us to do so. If you don't have that level of respect from your partner and you cannot communicate how much this bothers you to him, you don't have much of a relationship. 

I've read all of your posts about not wanting a divorce and that you don't think he will go to counseling, but I feel like you two need to talk to some form of third party to overcome some of your communication barriers. I am a firm believer that asexual/sexual relationships CAN work, but they are hard. If one person is being disrespectful, abusive and will not put down the gaming controllers to work on bettering his relationship with you, you are better off without him.


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## ConcernedCitizen (Nov 29, 2012)

Wow, EntirelyDifferent, I don't know how you do it, it's like you know all the things I'm thinking and say it way better!! I think you bring a much needed perspective to this space, and I hope people listen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I've been following this thread since it popped up on tumblr this morning, and I'm very intimidated to post given the reception to asexuals/non-sexuals here, but I'm going to give it a go.
> 
> OP, if it helps you see my perspective, I'm also a 25 year old asexual woman in a long term relationship with a sexual man (For those curious, in my case, my partner did not know this about me when we first met because, while I have always been asexual, I had no name for it at the time and just thought I was "broken". I am not, I am just different. We are both committed to our relationship however, and since we've finally been able to pinpoint _why_ I am the way I am, we've worked together to find ways to make our relationship work in such a way that we are both happy and satisfied. Neither of us feels 'trapped' or 'used'.).
> 
> ...


How does it work? For the sexual person I mean? And how do you know that that can work over the long term? I'm just curious, I don't mean to be judgey or anything.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Haha! My husband is into COD and Halo. He plays allll the time...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DOOMed


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Incorrect. He was never angry over sex. If he had an issue, he let me know and it was resolved.


Those were your words, not mine. In your post, #8, you stated...

"I had THOUGHT the situation improved. He stopped getting *angry over sex *as much as he had. I THOUGHT he gained more respect for me but then he started grabbing me and not listening when I asked him to stop. So that's where the problem became huge for me."

T


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Those were your words, not mine. In your post, #8, you stated...
> 
> "I had THOUGHT the situation improved. He stopped getting *angry over sex *as much as he had. I THOUGHT he gained more respect for me but then he started grabbing me and not listening when I asked him to stop. So that's where the problem became huge for me."
> 
> T


I was referring to the time in the kitchen when he held me down. 
After that incident he didn't grab me for a few days and then it started up again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

JenTee said:


> "Also, he doesn't have a "fetish". That's the porn he likes to view. You're pretty quick to label him as having a fetish. "
> 
> "I do need the groping to stop."


Fetish may be too strong of a word, but if he fixated on feet, we wouldn't hesitate to call it a foot fetish.

Two things tell me he's fixated on butts, particularly large butts: 

_"I've looked at the porn in his computer history and it has always appeared normal. He seems to watch the ones with girls that have large butts."

"I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place."_

As I mentioned before, his behavior seems childish, and it seems to happen often, and apparently it's an issue with you. I doubt this kind of behavior will be something the two of you can resolve on your own.

T


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

east2west said:


> How does it work? For the sexual person I mean? And how do you know that that can work over the long term? I'm just curious, I don't mean to be judgey or anything.


I don't mind answering questions, although I don't want to derail the OP's thread. Keep in mind though, I can only speak for MY relationship, not every asexual/non-sexual's, but after discovering the term and realizing that this was what described me entirely, my partner and I sat down and had a very hard, very _open_ conversation about what this meant for us, both now and in the future, and even addressed things like whether or not we should continue our relationship. It was incredibly difficult to talk about, but the conversation helped us stay on the same page and realize that we didn't have issues we couldn't overcome.

We discussed at length what having intercourse meant for us, and we discovered things we were both doing that were hard on the other person, as well as ways we could compromise and have more fun with it. 
I don't ever have sex with him out of any sort of obligation. I learned early on that he could tell when I wasn't into it, and he hated it. (I do wonder if that is not a much bigger issue with the OP's husband than the OP realizes. )
We do usually wind up having it several times a week, though. I don't get much out of it at all, but I enjoy bringing that level of pleasure to a person that I love dearly, and I never get a sense of "this is just a chore I have to endure". 

There have been times where, like the OP describes, sex has felt like rape for me and I cannot physically handle intercourse, so sometimes a week or two goes by without sex. But, through a big dose of creativity, a trip to the toy store, and more communication, we have discovered ways to be intimate and get him what he needs _without_ actual intercourse.

The other thing is I am more open to the possibility that there may come a time where an open relationship might have to happen for our relationship to survive. Do I want that? Not really, no. But I feel like it's realistic in our situation to keep an open mind in that regard.

*shrugs* it's hard sometimes, but it works for us. 

As for knowing if it can work over the long term...does anyone honestly know that for sure about their relationship, no matter the orientations of the people involved? I know lots of straight/gay couples that broke up unexpectedly after being together for years for one reason or another. Nothing is certain.
However, the two of us are 100% committed to each other and our relationship for the long term, and we make steps daily to ensure we are successful. Like I said, it's not easy, but we both feel that we have met the person we are meant to be with, and despite a few obstacles here and there, it's worth it.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Jen, how are you doing today? Your thread has certainly expanded since last night! 

I don't want to get into the whole discussion that those guys have going on. I'm way more action oriented.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

I'm going to bed now but I will do my best to respond to everyone tomorrow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I'm going to bed now but I will do my best to respond to everyone tomorrow!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do yourself a favor and try to keep you hands from under the covers.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I have NOT disrespected him. He was fully aware of how I was. I flat out said.. I don't mind giving you pleasure if I receive pleasure in other areas of life.. ie: intellectual conversations, going out to dinner, laughing, sight seeing. He smiled and said " that works for me."


He was wrong. He didn't realize what he was getting into.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What would you like to see happen?

And how exactly do you think the two of you can get there?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This is a very sad thread.

I only got to page 11 and I had to stop.

Jen wants a normal life. Marriage is part of a normal life. She wants a life partner who can help with the little things in life that marriage helps. She wants affection, but doesn't understand passion. Excuse me, she's REPULSED by passion.

Her husband, save for his recent outbursts, seems like a reasonably stand up guy. He sees a person who is normal except in one (rather important) area and for whatever reason, took a shot at marrying her. WELL.

Neither are particularly foresightful or realistic. That old adage "A woman marries a man sure she can change him and a man marries a woman hoping she'll never change...and both are disappointed" is turned on it's head here. He wanted her to change...and she wanted him to stay the young dumb boy who was satisfied as long as he got in rocks off.

Allow me to use a shopping analogy.

Your husband takes you shopping. He smiles. He points out sale items. He offers you cretinous opinions about clothes you show him because he has absolutely no understanding of fashion, color, style or the message any bit of clothing means. He doesn't have a clue.

But here is the thing. *You know he absolutely LOATHES ever minute of it.* Not finds it distasteful. Not 'eh'. HATES it. So he is faking it. For you. He's told you MANY times that he'd rather have a root canal than go shopping with you and he will never EVER change.

But...HE has the only credit card in the family. It's biometric so he NEEDS to be there...buying you clothes while he hates it. Because 'both of you are against open finances'

Does that in any way impinge on the enjoyment you get out of your shopping experience?

It would with me. Now fast forward 8 years. He's still sitting there with his fake ass smile and suggesting you visit MORE stores...like Peas in a Pod. Like MuMuLand.

Except despite what the ladies might tell you, shopping isn't a biological imperative. Sex is.

One doesn't have to be married to be normal. I am not sure this is fixable. Learning to 'fake it' better will just unfairly raise his expectations about what you really feel.

So the choice is you pretending for the rest of your life to feeling something you don't understand. (Explain 'shadow' to a person born blind)

Or he accepts a passionless marriage. All the back rubs in the world (which I thought you said you didn't like either) isn't going to make that up.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JCD said:


> This is a very sad thread.
> 
> I only got to page 11 and I had to stop.
> 
> ...


You're saying what a few of have been saying... How many blind people insist on going to the IMAX 3d movies every night? How many deaf people ask to go to music concerts every weekend? How many people terrified of heights ask to go skydiving every weekend?

Sex is not shopping... Sex is not watching a movie... 

There are people who don't like children and don't have any... How evil those are who bring them into the world without desiring them... Would we praise the parents if they committed to faking their love for these children, pretending to care about their school play? Would we understand a parent explaining that though they lack every desire to raise a child they have the right to and insist on raising them? 

Would it make sense to hear of a person who finds nothing cute in a pet to hear that he or she insists on buying one and on faking their desires to play with them?

I don't like pets, so I wouldn't buy one.

Some adults don't want children, so they don't have any.

Some people are homosexual, so they don't marry an opposite-sex heterosexual.

What makes an asexual person desire, no insist, to be married? 

Wanting a life partner? I have many life-long friends... They are not going anywhere. I don't have to feign agreement to a contract of committed sexual love with them to spend time with them... 

Asexual people should have as many life partners, roommates, friends, etc. as they want... There's no need to "marry" and give in to sex they have NO desire for... Unless...

A. Financial/Resource/Estate advantage

B. Social programming, especially for women where they MUST be married

C. Wish to have a standard home for children they wish to have... Even though there's no requirement to be in a sexual contract with anyone to conceive/adopt so I don't know...

How long until the husbands of asexual women get fed up with NEVER feeling the desire of a woman, a feeling the likes of which nothing can compare? If these husbands succeed in suppressing that right implicit in their heterosexuality, are we to praise them for putting that aside for life to make a relationship that is OPTIONAL, neither one needs to be under sexual contract if he or she doesn't want, "work"? At what point do we indicate donating to the poor isn't as noble when you're the robbing them first?

How is this relevant?

How many dads and moms do we have here? What do our children do sometimes when they are trying to tell us something and we're half-listening because we're busy getting dinner ready or balancing our checkbook? Sometimes they raise their voice, sometimes they drop/break something... What do children do when they're getting tired of doing their homework... They start doing it wrong "by mistake." Their feelings start to trickle out...

How would an adult express being fed up? He might end a relationship... He might start sabotaging it... He might ruin it so the other person ends it, satisfying their conscience framed by social programming that they must "make it work." Anger, resentment, abuse... It's all related and needs to be talked about if anyone truly wants to help the OP be protectied from abuse patterns for her husband or otherwise.

At 18 if you would have told me sex 5 times a week with a pretty girl for life but she'll be faking the sexual desire while loving you platonically, I would have said where do I sign?

At 25 and up, ehhh No thanks... 

Dangerous territory and the OP needs ideas...

The feeling of a woman desiring me sexually is beyond words and has inspired most of our poetry and songs throughout history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

OMG i can't believe what you're going through for 10 years of so called MARRIAGE!!!..If you don't have kids till now,Best is to avoid the A******!!!.Sorry feel so sad about you & Bad about your *******!!!


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

JenTee said:


> I DO know that no sex=no love, low self esteem and many many other issues to some people.


No, not "no sex". Any sex that's not coming as a natural desire for the act itself and the one you're doing it with. It's your husband that will have to accept that he's never going to fullfill someone sexually. That's quite a large burden and I haven't heard anything on whether he can accept that or not. TBH I couldn't...

This guy said it perfectly:



JCD said:


> This is a very sad thread.
> 
> I only got to page 11 and I had to stop.
> 
> ...


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## romaniticallydenied (Nov 29, 2012)

May I offer another perspective on the OP's husband? I'm a sexually driven man married(13yrs) to a woman who I'm pretty sure was sexually abused as a child. She has a sex drive once a year or so but it never actually involves me. Unlike the OP she never said anything about not liking or wanting physical contact. I consider myself a romantic fellow, very much concerned with my wives' intellectual and emotional needs, but also my mother taught me the reason for making love is to please your partner- this imperative is not just taught it is human to please and know we have pleased our partner especially the one we are married to! I have read a lot of comments on "what an arse" the OP husband is but I can relate completely with him I'd say. My wife generally has sex to obligate my drive... I felt for a many years if I said "no I cant" she would never ever have sex with me again or feel rejected because I knew she was doing it for me. So I went along with the "volunteer rape" and that's what it feels like to me because she isn't emotionally involved even if she pretends. If the person you are married to spends the rest of your life faking it just because they think its helping you they are horribly mistaken. I can't even put into words the anger, frustration, confusion and maybe more shockingly for some respondents on here the guilt, at the whole situation at wanting and desiring my wife at not being able to fulfill her sexually or intimately(and no matter how educated one may be generally the physical is included in this imperative) at her not wanting what I have to offer. Guilt permeates our relationship like a vile poisonous stench creeping along the floor waiting to kill all semblance of humanity in us. Have we went in circles(the argument has never changed no matter how its approached) for years about physical touch, yes. Does she constantly twist every conversation we have into one about sex, yes! Have I gotten so frustrated I have been belligerent, rude, harsh, and very much inconsiderate of her feelings (hind sight condemns us all) yes. I can't say for sure but I have a very solid belief that the OP's husband is a VERY good person, but is so lost at his failings to be able to be what he feels, needs and wants for his wife that its driving him in the wrong direction because he cannot cope with it. And its all good and pleasant that she told him she doesn't like physical touch, but as several have said we are human, and we always foolishly think "they don't mean that, i need that so they must to" or well "I love her and I can work through it". *Jen* you really might consider asking him if he feels guilty for wanting you, I know I turned to porn(not healthy in any relationship sorry, it warps reality, creates a false fantasy land and tears any grasp of reality out of a relationship) because the guilt of wanting my amazing, beautiful wife and knowing she rejects that was worse than the fake fantasy land I could conjure up! So before you all go calling OP's husband an abusive arse consider this we all agree to things we don't grasp the enormity of or that can quickly drowned us before we grasp whats happening. The need to be physically wanted and needed both in giving and receiving affection is strong in males, but even more so in those of us with a strong sex drive- and though some may only be concerned with "getting there own" many of us associate more with pleasing our partner than ourselves... I cannot speak for a females drive, i'd say its human though for a majority of humanity.


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## ladynsniffer (Oct 19, 2012)

This situation is sad. I see no hope here and before it gets worse, this couple needs to go their separate ways. It's weird in a way. The OP turns her husband on all the time, so much so he wants to grope her ass in public and she doesn't want it. Yet, there are many millions of women who try hard to keep their husbands sexually attracted to them.

All he gets is "mercy" sex. He wants more. Her presence creates lust in him. It should be a happy ending with lots of passionate sex. Instead, she is turned off and he gets frustrated. Anger rises. Very bad situation. The OP is trying to fight off basic biology. She has to face the fact that she obviously stirs up his lust when she is near him.

I don't see any solution except breaking up. If she is never near him the situation is resolved.

Marcus


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

For all the asexual women posting here... Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homesexual man marrying a woman. Seems like a good idea at the time, but in the long term it can't work out.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hicks said:


> For all the asexual women posting here... Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homesexual man marrying a woman. Seems like a good idea at the time, but in the long term it can't work out.


*Well, actually, it is different, the homosexual enjoys the sensations of sex with humans.*

T


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Hicks said:


> For all the asexual women posting here... Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homesexual man marrying a woman. Seems like a good idea at the time, but in the long term it can't work out.



Marriage is a two way street though; I have not lied to my partner or kept anything from him, so it's not like I hoodwinked him into marrying me and then yelled "Hah! Fooled ya!" You have no idea the intricate dynamics of our relationship, so how can you sit there and tell me for sure it will not work? I am genuinely curious here.

My marriage to a sexual man not harming you in any way, shape, or form, so why should it matter either way?


And Tony55, an asexual _can _enjoy sex with humans as well. Asexuals as it is defined on sites like AVEN is simply people that do not feel sexual attraction to other people. That doesn't mean the 'parts don't work', as it were.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Assuming TAM had an accepted policy on a marriage between an asexual and a typical heterosexual, I'll go way out on a limb here and guess that the wording would be identical.
> 
> Do you trade one death sentence for another to save the relationship? That's up to the individuals to choose what they consider fatal. I'm not sure I could do it either.


And no one is asking you to is the point. This woman is fine with being in a marriage and doing something she doesn't want to do (have sex). 

How many times has the advice "fake it till you make it" been given to LD women on these boards? LD women who do fake it until they make it are applauded for taking their husbands needs into consideration. Just because she won't 'make it' doesn't mean her marriage is doomed for either divorce or an open marriage. 



east2west said:


> It doesn't matter at all to me whether they are incompatible because he is HD and she is LD or if it's because he is sexual and she is asexual. Incompatible is still incompatible. Abuse is still abuse. He is still acting up out of sexual frustration, and it is still inexcusable. They should still get a divorce.
> 
> The only distinction worth making is that if she is LD there is the possibility that she could change. But if she is asexual there is no possibility of change.


Once again, I never said they shouldn't divorce. I said we should stop hounding her on the issue. Even I said in my first post in this thread that I think she should consider divorce. But consider divorce due to the abuse, not due to her asexuality which is what far to many people have focused on here.



Interlocutor said:


> What if the perpetual sex to please him lacking your own desire is warping his feelings and twisting them at his unawares, making him an angry, groping, sexually immature, and abusive husband?


Again, this is a failed argument. The lack of 'willing' sex is not what is making him abusive or sexually immature. He is. I can cut off two different people in traffic. One gets mad but lets it go, the second follows me for 15 blocks and tries to break my back window with a tire iron. Me cutting them off didn't force either reaction, they own abilities (or inabilities) to control their anger did. If the husband is abusive, that's not her fault, nor the lack of sex fault, it's his fault. People need to stop linking the two together and state he needs to work on controlling his emotions.

Even the OP has said she'd be willing to work on things if he'd just communicate what he wants/needs, rather than get abusive.



Hicks said:


> For all the asexual women posting here... Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homesexual man marrying a woman. Seems like a good idea at the time, but in the long term it can't work out.


I swear this is 1989 and we are talking about gay rights. Asexual people (especially women) shouldn't marry someone? Because they can't enjoy sex, they should forgo the priviledge of marriage?

I myself wouldn't marry an asexual person, but I'm not going to say they can't do so either. If they find someone who loves them enough to want to devote their entire lives to being with them, that's their choice to marry someone as long as they are upfront about their sexual oreientation, which the OP was. She never hid anything from her husband and even went against the grain for him from what asexual people normally want to do and agreed to have sex three times a week. If he isn't happy in the marriage due to sex, that's his fault as he agreed to it and is only getting what he knew he would be getting in the first place.

I find it very unsettling how many people in this thread heap the blame on the OP for not 'setting her husband free.' The husband got into this marriage on his own accord (odds are he proposed to her even since most of the time it is the man doing the asking), was told well ahead of time that the sex would be likely infrequent and without passion, witnessed over 7-8 years prior to marriage that her views on sex wouldn't be changing and is getting everything he signed up for while having an asexual wife who is willing to discuss sex with him WAY more than most LD wives we read about around here. If he is having buyer's remorse, he should be the one checking into a divorce, not the OP who has only been upfront and honest since day one.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Again, this is a failed argument. The lack of 'willing' sex is not what is making him abusive or sexually immature. He is. I can cut off two different people in traffic. One gets mad but lets it go, the second follows me for 15 blocks and tries to break my back window with a tire iron. Me cutting them off didn't force either reaction, they own abilities (or inabilities) to control their anger did. If the husband is abusive, that's not her fault, nor the lack of sex fault, it's his fault. People need to stop linking the two together and state he needs to work on controlling his emotions.
> 
> Even the OP has said she'd be willing to work on things if he'd just communicate what he wants/needs, rather than



It's not a failed argument... Get any human driver and have him perpetually cut off daily and some will snap after a day, some after a year, but all will snap.

Poke a man with a stick once and he might snap. Another man might not care. Poke that guy once every five minutes and he will snap eventually too.

Have a man sign himself under a sexual contract and give him attraction-less sex daily... A healthy heterosexual will just be happy forever? To say my argument is a failed one assumes many rare and uncommon characteristics for our OP's husband, whom we have been told is heterosexual... An explanation, not an excuse... He should have opted for ending his marriage before ever being an arsehole to her of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> And Tony55, an asexual _can _enjoy sex with humans as well. Asexuals as it is defined on sites like AVEN is simply people that do not feel sexual attraction to other people. That doesn't mean the 'parts don't work', as it were.


I didn't say the parts don't work, I said in response to Hicks' statement, _"Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homosexual man marrying a woman."_ that the comparison to homosexuals is an inaccurate comparison because homosexuals enjoy the sensations of sexual interaction with other humans.

*In the context of the original poster, this is particularly true, any homosexual comparison completely misses the mark.*

In your case, _EntirelyDifferent_, I don't know, I have to assume if you like and enjoy sexual stimulation with other humans then you're probably just not as asexual as you believe.

T


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> What if the perpetual sex to please him lacking your own desire is warping his feelings and twisting them at his unawares, making him an angry, groping, sexually immature, and abusive husband?





kingsfan said:


> Again, this is a failed argument. The lack of 'willing' sex is not what is making him abusive or sexually immature.


*Kingsfan, you can't possibly know this to be a fact, Interlocutors' question is reasonable. It, by no means, is a failed argument.*

The OP is searching for help with her husbands behavior, a lot of his problematic behavior is sexual in nature, groping, pinning her to the wall and reaching in her pants, giggling about grabbing her but in public. Any discussion about sexual dysfunction in the marriage is pertinent to the issue.

T


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> It's not a failed argument... Get any human driver and have him perpetually cut off daily and some will snap after a day, some after a year, but all will snap.
> 
> Poke a man with a stick once and he might snap. Another man might not care. Poke that guy once every five minutes and he will snap eventually too.
> 
> ...


If you get cut off in traffic every day, you should change your route so you don't get cut off everyday. If someones whacking you with a stick every five minutes, get up and move.

The husband should be getting up and move if the lack of meaningful sex is causing his anger, not allow it to bring him to a snapping point.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *Kingsfan, you can't possibly know this to be a fact, Interlocutors' question is reasonable. It, by no means, is a failed argument.*
> 
> The OP is searching for help with her husbands behavior, a lot of his problematic behavior is sexual in nature, groping, pinning her to the wall and reaching in her pants, giggling about grabbing her but in public. Any discussion about sexual dysfunction in the marriage is pertinent to the issue.
> 
> T


In essense, yes it is a fact. I did not dispute that the sexual issues may be causing his anger, in fact I have stated so several times. It is his own failings that cause him to act out that anger in a societally unaccepted way, in this case by means of such actions as pinning his wife to the floor and throwing a remote across the room. The fact that his action of pinning his wife to the floor could very likely constitute an assault charge proves that his actions aren't acceptable.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

There might be the odd the couple that can make a relationship/marriage between incompatible sexual orientation work but generally I think it's safe to say that you're just asking for trouble when going along with it. But all in all, yeah it's the husbands responsibility to deal with what he got himself into.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> Marriage is a two way street though; I have not lied to my partner or kept anything from him, so it's not like I hoodwinked him into marrying me and then yelled "Hah! Fooled ya!" You have no idea the intricate dynamics of our relationship, so how can you sit there and tell me for sure it will not work? I am genuinely curious here.


On these boards we hear from a lot of unhappy marriages where it is quite obvious they should not have ever been married due to sexual incompatibility. Often times this has been known for many years or decades but the poster never took action out of guilt or a misguided belief that things will improve, or the childish idea that sex is not that important. So when we see someone in that situation who is still young and has their whole life ahead of them, we normally feel like there is an opportunity for the poster to dodge a huge bullet that could ruin their entire life. 

These incompatibilities take a lot of different forms. The most obvious is a mismatched sexual orientation. There are also mismatched sexual drives. Mismatched genitals. Mismatched fantasies and fetishes. Any of these are quite likely to sink your relationship with your chosen partner. It is easy to be naive about this stuff when you are the age of the OP. She thinks she has a lot of relationship experience because she has been with the guy for 10 years. But the difference in the sexual mind of an 18 year old and a 25 year old is huge. More so than she can possibly realize.



> My marriage to a sexual man not harming you in any way, shape, or form, so why should it matter either way?


None of us are being harmed. But it is hard for us to believe that your husband is not being harmed. That's why people are making those comments. Maybe there is something we don't understand. But it's also possible that there is something you don't understand. The site is called "Talk About Marriage". I don't think opinions over what types of people should marry each other should be out of bounds.



> And Tony55, an asexual _can _enjoy sex with humans as well. Asexuals as it is defined on sites like AVEN is simply people that do not feel sexual attraction to other people. That doesn't mean the 'parts don't work', as it were.


The idea of forming a non-sexual personal attraction to someone, marrying them, and then enjoying having sex with them, all without ever being "sexually attracted", is just a total brainf0ck to me. It sounds kind of like what gay men do when they marry straight women. They have erections and orgasms. I'm sure they feel good on some level. But find me a woman who wasn't hurt to learn her husband of many years was gay all along. I'd love to see a whole thread on this topic. But for the purposes of this discussion, the OP's parts don't work in a way that allows her to enjoy sex, so it would be off-topic here.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> If you get cut off in traffic every day, you should change your route so you don't get cut off everyday. If someones whacking you with a stick every five minutes, get up and move.
> 
> The husband should be getting up and move if the lack of meaningful sex is causing his anger, not allow it to bring him to a snapping point.


That's kind of part of my argument, that he leave before he snap, mentioned many many times... So it was not a failed argument. I mentioned that again even in the post you are replying to here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> That's kind of part of my argument, that he leave before he snap, mentioned many many times... So it was not a failed argument. I mentioned that again even in the post you are replying to here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then perhaps we are arguing the same point. All I'm saying is it's the husbands duty to remove himself from the situation since he's the one unhappy about it, not hang around and get beat with a stick ever five minutes until he snaps in a violent outrage. Some it would seem tend to think it's the OP's job to end the marriage for him. The husband is a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants to stay or not, and he should decide without resorting to violence.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then perhaps we are arguing the same point. All I'm saying is it's the husbands duty to remove himself from the situation since he's the one unhappy about it, not hang around and get beat with a stick ever five minutes until he snaps in a violent outrage. Some it would seem tend to think it's the OP's job to end the marriage for him. The husband is a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants to stay or not, and he should decide without resorting to violence.


It appears to me that the husband is taking a passive aggressive strategy to get her to end the marriage. This is putting her at a big risk. But an even bigger risk is that the husband contains himself, for many many years, and then springs for divorce when they are in their say forties. It's much easier for a man to find a new woman in his forties than it is for a woman to find a man. Perhaps this is less of a concern for the OP since she is asexual? I don't know.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can we please reframe the conversation as to assist the OP's current circumstances in dealing with the disrespect her husband has perpetrated, irregardless of her sexuality?

Being asexual is a factor. Asexuality isn't the topic.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then perhaps we are arguing the same point. All I'm saying is it's the husbands duty to remove himself from the situation since he's the one unhappy about it, not hang around and get beat with a stick ever five minutes until he snaps in a violent outrage. Some it would seem tend to think it's the OP's job to end the marriage for him. The husband is a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants to stay or not, and he should decide without resorting to violence.


I advocate Jen be the one to leave, if anyone does leave, because she simply seems to be the more aware party between the two.

What her husband is telling her, that he's fine with their sex life, that he accepts her asexuality, that his sex drive is decreasing, isn't matching is actions at all. Even if I believe Jen is being very naive about her husband's sexual needs, she is intuitive enough to note a disconnect between his behavior and his words.

When it comes to the matter of asexuality, as unfair as this might sound, the burden of action is on the asexual's part in most cases. Why? Because try as you might, most people can not even begin to understand asexuality. It's much more likely that a person will simply assume, despite being told otherwise, that they are the exception to the rule, or that the person isn't _really_ asexual (we see that in this thread).

In a perfect world, all things considered, the husband in this scenario should be in tuned enough with his needs, and realistic enough to know that those needs will never be met. But if that's not the case, then the burden falls on the party who has more insight.

From the information given I don't have any reason to gather that this man is remotely mature enough to make any of the tough decisions needed to remedy this situation (be it leaving, seeking counseling, etc).


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then perhaps we are arguing the same point. All I'm saying is it's the husbands duty to remove himself from the situation since he's the one unhappy about it, not hang around and get beat with a stick ever five minutes until he snaps in a violent outrage. Some it would seem tend to think it's the OP's job to end the marriage for him. The husband is a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants to stay or not, and he should decide without resorting to violence.


You make some validpoints. However he is not on this board, OP says he will not join or post on this board, will not get MC or IC, has anger issues, is getting abusive, spends all his time playing video games. (= Not a mature adult )

There is a big difference in what he _should_ do and what he _will_ do. I think most here are in agreement that the husband needs to move on, but that is NOT going to happen. (at least not until the situatiion spirals out of control and someone gets hurt) Therefor the OP really has only one option. Take control of the situation and lead. He is not going to hear or listen to anything we say, nor does he hear or listen to anything she says. Unfortunately the OP only wants to hear unicorn solutions.

Since she is so against a divorce, at _minimum_ she needs a separation and hope that triggers the husband to work on his issues and come to terms with his decisions.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> Marriage is a two way street though; I have not lied to my partner or kept anything from him, so it's not like I hoodwinked him into marrying me and then yelled "Hah! Fooled ya!" You have no idea the intricate dynamics of our relationship, so how can you sit there and tell me for sure it will not work? I am genuinely curious here.
> 
> My marriage to a sexual man not harming you in any way, shape, or form, so why should it matter either way?
> 
> ...


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Jen won't leave. She should but the problem is that the husband is the one that is losing out not her. Jen is merely giving up her time doing something she doesn't want to do. She doesn't want sex and finds no emotional connection, right? She isn't giving up something real and tangible because it means nothing to her so it doens't hurt her to do it, it's an inconvenience she puts up with. It's like being forced to eat vegetables as a kid. Yeah you thought it was gross but you were able to suck it up and swallow it down because it was over quickly. Why would she divorce over something that is meaningless to her?

Even though sex may make up only, idk, 2-3% of your week when you look at time spent, For those of us that do have fulfilling sexual relationships we know that it is a major life component in terms of emotional and physical gains that last far beyond the 15-60 min of the actual act itself.

She doesn't think anything drastic needs to change besides his behavior because from her point of view everything is just fine if he would simply stop grabbing her and being pushy. So she disregards suggestions that they aren't compatible because things are going pretty great for her. She just is minorly inconvenienced a few times a week. 

Her husband needs to change things because she has absolutely no incentive to do so. She is not looking at this with an honest eye from his perspective. She latches on to him saying things are fine because that is what she wants to hear. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are telling her things are NOT fine.

Jen, you are focusing on the small issues (him grabbing you or getting angry). But what people are trying to point out to you is that the small issues are not a threat to your marriage. Your imcompatibility is the HUGE threat. It's not why you started this thread but it IS the problem.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Jen, considering your husband isn't open to counseling and you're committed to holding the marriage together, I think you're going to need some creative approaches to finding out what's really going on in his head.

One idea, crazy as it sounds, maybe you can have someone befriend him through COD and over time this person can strike up conversations with him about girls, etc, you never know, guys like to talk about girls with other guys, there's no telling what he'd reveal. (I know that's a complicated thing to pull off, I'd do it for you but my COD skills probably wouldn't make many want to befriend me, I was better at real life soldiering).


Does he get into any online chat groups?
Have you double checked his online activity to get a clear idea of what he's up to?
Check his phone?
Any friends of his that you can confide in?

Let me ask you this, you talked about being afraid he'll lose his temper if you confront him. In the 10 years you've known him, aside from the incident when he tried to reach in your pants while restraining you, and throwing the remote, has he ever directed any other violence toward you?

T


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I advocate Jen be the one to leave, if anyone does leave, because she simply seems to be the more aware party between the two.
> 
> What her husband is telling her, that he's fine with their sex life, that he accepts her asexuality, that his sex drive is decreasing, isn't matching is actions at all. Even if I believe Jen is being very naive about her husband's sexual needs, she is intuitive enough to note a disconnect between his behavior and his words.
> 
> ...


I agree that the husband is likely not in tune enough to decifer what is the problem, or possibly not mature enough to act on it.

As far as ending the relationship though. I think what's being advised is she leave based on what this message board is thinking is wrong with her husband. Let's all remember here, the only actual poster here that has had any dealings with her husband is the OP. All of our information on the husband is second hand, and coming from his wife who believes that he would not support a divorce at all. We can advocate a divorce all we want, but that choice is something that really should fall to the person who is suffering; allegedly that is the husband.

When LD spouses come on here complaining that their husbands (or wives) are nagging them for sex, we all advise that they have more sex. 'Fake it until you make it' if you can't be into it. Here, an asexual spouse is doing what we would have advised a LD spouse to do and, even though she really is having as much emotional connect sexually as that LD spouse would be, we are suggesting she divorce herself from a mariage she is happy in (assuming she can get her husband away from his physical behavoiurs). It has the real feel of a double standard.



StargateFan said:


> You make some validpoints. However he is not on this board, OP says he will not join or post on this board, will not get MC or IC, has anger issues, is getting abusive, spends all his time playing video games. (= Not a mature adult )
> 
> There is a big difference in what he _should_ do and what he _will_ do. I think most here are in agreement that the husband needs to move on, but that is NOT going to happen. (at least not until the situatiion spirals out of control and someone gets hurt) Therefor the OP really has only one option. Take control of the situation and lead. He is not going to hear or listen to anything we say, nor does he hear or listen to anything she says. Unfortunately the OP only wants to hear unicorn solutions.
> 
> Since she is so against a divorce, at _minimum_ she needs a separation and hope that triggers the husband to work on his issues and come to terms with his decisions.


I agree she needs to take charge and lead. Leading doesn't have to mean divorce or even seperation. All she can do is demand two things:

1) Demand respect for herself and her needs (IE cut back on the grabbing in public and no more angry displays of violence)
2) Demand to know what is really bothering and solutions to that problem

Beyond that, it's back on him. If she changes her mind and feels divorce is an option, so be and she should at that point pursue that options if she chooses, but for now it's not an option.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Then perhaps we are arguing the same point. All I'm saying is it's the husbands duty to remove himself from the situation since he's the one unhappy about it, not hang around and get beat with a stick ever five minutes until he snaps in a violent outrage. Some it would seem tend to think it's the OP's job to end the marriage for him. The husband is a grown man and can decide for himself if he wants to stay or not, and he should decide without resorting to violence.


Read my posts carefully... Our arguments are really the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Read my posts carefully... Our arguments are really the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since you are also responding to me, I suggest we both read 'carefully' in the future with one another.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I agree that the husband is likely not in tune enough to decifer what is the problem, or possibly not mature enough to act on it.
> 
> As far as ending the relationship though. I think what's being advised is she leave based on what this message board is thinking is wrong with her husband. Let's all remember here, the only actual poster here that has had any dealings with her husband is the OP. All of our information on the husband is second hand, and coming from his wife who believes that he would not support a divorce at all. We can advocate a divorce all we want, but that choice is something that really should fall to the person who is suffering; allegedly that is the husband.
> 
> ...


She claims she has done those 2 things. Husband clams up. The only thing that will pry open that clam is ACTION.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Asexuals either need to marry other asexuals, or not get married at all. It is total and complete foolishness for an asexual to marry a sexual person.


Seriously?

I am an asexual who has sex. My 1st marriage lasted 22 yrs. to a sexual man (ended over his temper - my choice) who loved & adored me & produced 2 beautiful daughters. The marriage wasn't perfect as I am sure your's isn't either.

But according to you, I should never have married or married an asexual man.

My current husband is VERY low drive in his early 50's. He is experiencing some impotence due to age & health issues. He is content with sex a couple of times a month. We have been together over 4 yrs. & are actually very happy. An HD woman would give him anxiety attacks at this stage in his life.

But according to you, I should never have married or married an asexual man.

I know that you would NEVER post in an open forum that homosexuals should NEVER marry or make ANY disparging remarks about homosexuals.

Well sir, asexuality IS a sexual orientation whether your believe it or not.

How does it help to tell the OP she should never have married? That is not her issue here.

OP:

I do think your husband is frustrated & angry with you & is being very childish & immature about it. It may be about sex, IDK. I hope you can get him to agree to marriage counseling.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> As far as ending the relationship though. I think what's being advised is she leave based on what this message board is thinking is wrong with her husband.


I can't speak for anyone else, but I advised she leave independent of anything her husband did. Even if her husband's behavior was even tempered, I still think that it's a very bad idea for the OP to be married to this man; the vast majority of asexual with sexual partnerships will not work. It's like a gay person married to a straight person; yes you can find a rare exception where this works, but most of the people I'd advise to just move on. They're young, they don't have kids, and she's financially stable without him; they are prime candidates for divorce. I advocate an exit because the incompatibility on an extremely important matter is extreme, and she's made comments about feeling raped and violated during intercourse, and disgusted by sex on the whole, all huge problems. The sexually aggressive behavior, and the anger issues, are just kindle for an already raging fire.



kingsfan said:


> When LD spouses come on here complaining that their husbands (or wives) are nagging them for sex, we all advise that they have more sex. 'Fake it until you make it' if you can't be into it.


I don't advocate LD partners "fake it until you make it". I actually believe most of the severe cases of HD patterns with LD partners I see on TAM really shouldn't be together. haven't seen one shred of evidence to expect that LD partners ever "make it" on any wide scale, consistent basis in most marriages.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I've been following this thread since it popped up on tumblr this morning, and I'm very intimidated to post given the reception to asexuals/non-sexuals here, but I'm going to give it a go.
> 
> OP, if it helps you see my perspective, I'm also a 25 year old asexual woman in a long term relationship with a sexual man (For those curious, in my case, my partner did not know this about me when we first met because, while I have always been asexual, I had no name for it at the time and just thought I was "broken". I am not, I am just different. We are both committed to our relationship however, and since we've finally been able to pinpoint _why_ I am the way I am, we've worked together to find ways to make our relationship work in such a way that we are both happy and satisfied. Neither of us feels 'trapped' or 'used'.).
> 
> ...


Hi! I am so envious! Your relationship sounds amazing. I'm very happy the situation works so beautifully for both of you.  

I agree. I think a lot of people have missed that point. Regardless of my sexuality I shouldn't be held down when I'm saying stop. It was dead wrong. I am going to bring up this issue with him when I feel like the time is right (in the very near future).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Hi Jen, how are you doing today? Your thread has certainly expanded since last night!
> 
> I don't want to get into the whole discussion that those guys have going on. I'm way more action oriented.


Hey I'm pretty good. How are you? I've been paying extra attention to my husband in physical way: kissing, hugging, etc. He has been enjoying it very much.  Yes, and thank you so much for all of your kind words! You are a sweetheart!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Seriously? I am an asexual who has sex.



Are you "disgusted" by sex like the OP is? Is intercourse a "rape" experience for you? Do you feel violated every time a man gets on top of you and inserts his penis into your vagina?



Emerald said:


> My current husband is VERY low drive in his early 50's. He is experiencing some impotence due to age & health issues. He is content with sex a couple of times a month. We have been together over 4 yrs. & are actually very happy.


Your husband is a "VERY low drive" man. Of course that situation is going to be very compatible with an asexual woman who isn't "disgusted" by sex, and in a "rape" situation.



Emerald said:


> I know that you would NEVER post in an open forum that homosexuals should NEVER marry or make ANY disparging remarks about homosexuals.


You don't know what you're talking about. Considering that I have said several times in THIS thread that homosexuals shouldn't marry heterosexual people.



Emerald said:


> Well sir, asexuality IS a sexual orientation whether your believe it or not.


Hilarious. Again, did you read any of the other posts in this thread? 

When you do perhaps you'll realize how hilarious this post is.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> This is a very sad thread.
> 
> I only got to page 11 and I had to stop.
> 
> ...


I understand your analogy. Truthfully, there's been several instances where he loathed shopping and still did it anyway. Obviously I know sex and shopping are on totally different levels. 

I do enjoy back rubs. He will give them to mr occasionally but I do give them to him daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

romaniticallydenied said:


> May I offer another perspective on the OP's husband? I'm a sexually driven man married(13yrs) to a woman who I'm pretty sure was sexually abused as a child. She has a sex drive once a year or so but it never actually involves me. Unlike the OP she never said anything about not liking or wanting physical contact. I consider myself a romantic fellow, very much concerned with my wives' intellectual and emotional needs, but also my mother taught me the reason for making love is to please your partner- this imperative is not just taught it is human to please and know we have pleased our partner especially the one we are married to! I have read a lot of comments on "what an arse" the OP husband is but I can relate completely with him I'd say. My wife generally has sex to obligate my drive... I felt for a many years if I said "no I cant" she would never ever have sex with me again or feel rejected because I knew she was doing it for me. So I went along with the "volunteer rape" and that's what it feels like to me because she isn't emotionally involved even if she pretends. If the person you are married to spends the rest of your life faking it just because they think its helping you they are horribly mistaken. I can't even put into words the anger, frustration, confusion and maybe more shockingly for some respondents on here the guilt, at the whole situation at wanting and desiring my wife at not being able to fulfill her sexually or intimately(and no matter how educated one may be generally the physical is included in this imperative) at her not wanting what I have to offer. Guilt permeates our relationship like a vile poisonous stench creeping along the floor waiting to kill all semblance of humanity in us. Have we went in circles(the argument has never changed no matter how its approached) for years about physical touch, yes. Does she constantly twist every conversation we have into one about sex, yes! Have I gotten so frustrated I have been belligerent, rude, harsh, and very much inconsiderate of her feelings (hind sight condemns us all) yes. I can't say for sure but I have a very solid belief that the OP's husband is a VERY good person, but is so lost at his failings to be able to be what he feels, needs and wants for his wife that its driving him in the wrong direction because he cannot cope with it. And its all good and pleasant that she told him she doesn't like physical touch, but as several have said we are human, and we always foolishly think "they don't mean that, i need that so they must to" or well "I love her and I can work through it". *Jen* you really might consider asking him if he feels guilty for wanting you, I know I turned to porn(not healthy in any relationship sorry, it warps reality, creates a false fantasy land and tears any grasp of reality out of a relationship) because the guilt of wanting my amazing, beautiful wife and knowing she rejects that was worse than the fake fantasy land I could conjure up! So before you all go calling OP's husband an abusive arse consider this we all agree to things we don't grasp the enormity of or that can quickly drowned us before we grasp whats happening. The need to be physically wanted and needed both in giving and receiving affection is strong in males, but even more so in those of us with a strong sex drive- and though some may only be concerned with "getting there own" many of us associate more with pleasing our partner than ourselves... I cannot speak for a females drive, i'd say its human though for a majority of humanity.


Thank you. This is very good point that I haven't thought of. I will bring this up to him. This could quite possibly be the reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Since you are also responding to me, I suggest we both read 'carefully' in the future with one another.


No need I feel, but I appreciate your sentiment... I understand all of your posts clearly and think they're great. Of course, should I need clarification or suffer a misstep reading them, I will ask you so you can explain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

ladynsniffer said:


> This situation is sad. I see no hope here and before it gets worse, this couple needs to go their separate ways. It's weird in a way. The OP turns her husband on all the time, so much so he wants to grope her ass in public and she doesn't want it. Yet, there are many millions of women who try hard to keep their husbands sexually attracted to them.
> 
> All he gets is "mercy" sex. He wants more. Her presence creates lust in him. It should be a happy ending with lots of passionate sex. Instead, she is turned off and he gets frustrated. Anger rises. Very bad situation. The OP is trying to fight off basic biology. She has to face the fact that she obviously stirs up his lust when she is near him.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I'm not one of those millions of women. I am just myself. I personally don't think groping in public is an appropriate behavior whatsoever. Many others don't either judging by the looks we've received. I could understand coping an occasional feel when nobody is looking or something but boldly out in the open is not acceptable. Nobody wants to be in a restaurant with their children, eating spaghetti and see a man grab his wife's butt or breasts. It's just the wrong place, wrong time. It's not only disrespectful to me, it's disrespectful to others who are in the same location.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> No need I feel, but I appreciate your sentiment... I understand all of your posts clearly and think they're great. Of course, should I need clarification or suffer a misstep reading them, I will ask you so you can explain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's nice when pages long discussion can wind down into an agreeable solution and a compromised meeting of minds. I think that, in general, is what I like most about TAM.

It was very educational discussing this topic with you and others, as always.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> EntirelyDifferent said:
> 
> 
> > Marriage is a two way street though; I have not lied to my partner or kept anything from him, so it's not like I hoodwinked him into marrying me and then yelled "Hah! Fooled ya!" You have no idea the intricate dynamics of our relationship, so how can you sit there and tell me for sure it will not work? I am genuinely curious here.
> ...


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Hicks said:


> For all the asexual women posting here... Please don't marry any more men. It's no different than a homesexual man marrying a woman. Seems like a good idea at the time, but in the long term it can't work out.


You're so wrong. There's MANY asexual/sexual relationships that work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Unfortunatley for you....Your's is not one of them!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JenTee said:


> You're so wrong. There's MANY asexual/sexual relationships that work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be fair, technically, you could make something work sometimes because of your efforts, and sometimes in spite of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Sorry, I'm not one of those millions of women. I am just myself. I personally don't think groping in public is an appropriate behavior whatsoever. Many others don't either judging by the looks we've received. I could understand coping an occasional feel when nobody is looking or something but boldly out in the open is not acceptable. Nobody wants to be in a restaurant with their children, eating spaghetti and see a man grab his wife's butt or breasts. It's just the wrong place, wrong time. It's not only disrespectful to me, it's disrespectful to others who are in the same location.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And who said it was appropriate in public ? Nobody. You still will not face the issue of why he is acting this way.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Jen, considering your husband isn't open to counseling and you're committed to holding the marriage together, I think you're going to need some creative approaches to finding out what's really going on in his head.
> 
> One idea, crazy as it sounds, maybe you can have someone befriend him through COD and over time this person can strike up conversations with him about girls, etc, you never know, guys like to talk about girls with other guys, there's no telling what he'd reveal. (I know that's a complicated thing to pull off, I'd do it for you but my COD skills probably wouldn't make many want to befriend me, I was better at real life soldiering).
> 
> ...


Yes! He has many guy friends on the game. They talk about all subjects. I know they discuss women. Not sure how in depth though. I do check his phone. He's got nothing to hide. I've never seen anything bizarre or alarming. To give a better perspective that I haven't mentioned. He's a former drug and alcohol abuser. He's been sober for many years now. I stuck by him despite these issues. I am confident he won't relapse. He is mortified at the things he did in the past. Very very ashamed and can't believe he was ever that way. I would know anyway being his job does a butt load of random drug screening. He is pretty antisocial. Does not have any friends/doesn't want any. He prefers to have his COD friends because there's a common interest they share plus it's not a face to face conversation which makes him uncomfortable. He's awkward socially even with his own family. By the way, this is all stuff he's said, not just my assumptions. It takes him two years or more to even be comfortable chatting with coworkers at his workplace. 

Those were the only issues of violent like behavior. The only thing coming close in comparison was him getting angry, storming out of the house and leaving in his car and ignoring my calls for an hour. This was when he had recently sobered up so it could be related to just that and nothing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> You're so wrong. There's MANY asexual/sexual relationships that work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Jen, what is your definition of "work out"? 

Because the disconnect people are having is that sexual, moderate to high drive people, who crave and need sexual connection, passion, and desire, are not going to thrive with an asexual person.

Sure they might stay together, but that's not my definition of "work out". 

Your marriage is already showing serious signs that things aren't working out, even if you both don't believe in divorce.

People here are concerned that there are serious red flags in your marriage right now that this isn't working, and they're hoping you guys find a way to part before all of this explodes and hurts you, and him.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

JenTee said:


> You're so wrong. There's MANY asexual/sexual relationships that work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry I just disagree with that. Sex is rightly considered a basic human need and to rob someone of the opportunity to have a healthy sex life is morally wrong. Granted your husband was stupid to think that you would change, but I still think he is living a tragic life and if he is a little 'gropey' that is small beer in comparison to what you are doing to him.

The sex drive is located in the hypothalamus, along with other basic drives like the need for sleep, hunger and thirst. Your husband is not wrong for having a sex drive and it is not okay to expect him to deny himself for the rest of his life or endure the humiliation of you doing it out a sense of duty.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Seriously?
> 
> I am an asexual who has sex. My 1st marriage lasted 22 yrs. to a sexual man (ended over his temper - my choice) who loved & adored me & produced 2 beautiful daughters. The marriage wasn't perfect as I am sure your's isn't either.
> 
> ...


Thank you. It's a shame people are so close minded about asexuality. It hurts my heart. Telling someone not to marry because of their orientation is really discriminatory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Are you "disgusted" by sex like the OP is? Is intercourse a "rape" experience for you? Do you feel violated every time a man gets on top of you and inserts his penis into your vagina?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, it's not hilarious. I don't recall who but someone was insisting I was disordered because asexuality is a disorder and not an orientation. That's what this poster was referring to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> No, it's not hilarious. I don't recall who but someone was insisting I was disordered because asexuality is a disorder and not an orientation. That's what this poster was referring to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am aware.

What is "hilarious" is Emerald accusing me of not recognizing asexuality as an orientation when I've been your staunchest defender in this thread in that regard, going head to head with most of the more ignorant posters regarding your sexual identity.

For her to try and educate me on asexuality as a legit orientation IS funny.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I am sorry I just disagree with that. Sex is rightly considered a basic human need and to rob someone of the opportunity to have a healthy sex life is morally wrong. Granted your husband was stupid to think that you would change, but I still think he is living a tragic life and if he is a little 'gropey' that is small beer in comparison to what you are doing to him.
> 
> The sex drive is located in the hypothalamus, along with other basic drives like the need for sleep, hunger and thirst. Your husband is not wrong for having a sex drive and it is not okay to expect him to deny himself for the rest of his life or endure the humiliation of you doing it out a sense of duty.


Jen isn't doing something to her husband. He is. She is also not depriving him of anything. If anyone is depriving him of something, it's himself. Jen was completely upfront about herself regarding sex, yet he still signed on. If he's now upset with the sex, it's his own fault, not Jen's.

If the car dealer tells you the car has no engine, and you still buy it, is it his fault for depriving you of driving your automobile?


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> And who said it was appropriate in public ? Nobody. You still will not face the issue of why he is acting this way.


I felt as though this poster was implying that public groping is something most would enjoy. That makes no sense. I am facing the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I am aware.
> 
> What is "hilarious" is Emerald accusing me of not recognizing asexuality as an orientation when I've been your staunchest defender in this thread in that regard, going head to head with most of the more ignorant posters regarding your sexual identity.
> 
> For her to try and educate me on asexuality as a legit orientation IS funny.


Ahh ok gotcha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Jen isn't doing something to her husband. He is. She is also not depriving him of anything. If anyone is depriving him of something, it's himself. Jen was completely upfront about herself regarding sex, yet he still signed on. If he's now upset with the sex, it's his own fault, not Jen's.
> 
> If the car dealer tells you the car has no engine, and you still buy it, is it his fault for depriving you of driving your automobile?


This is what I feel as well. I'm in noway saying I don't see the problem and I'm unsure of why people keep accusing me of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

JenTee said:


> This is what I feel as well. I'm in noway saying I don't see the problem and I'm unsure of why people keep accusing me of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's because you expect him to live his life without a fulfilling sex life, and that is not fair. Why wouldn't people feel strongly about that? His naivety doesn't warrant a lifetime of suffering.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Jen isn't doing something to her husband. He is. She is also not depriving him of anything. If anyone is depriving him of something, it's himself. Jen was completely upfront about herself regarding sex, yet he still signed on. If he's now upset with the sex, it's his own fault, not Jen's.
> 
> If the car dealer tells you the car has no engine, and you still buy it, is it his fault for depriving you of driving your automobile?


If the buyer does not understand that a working engine is essential to driving a car, then yes it is the sellers fault for taking advantage of an uneducated buyer.

Furthermore, we all deserve a marriage partner that will care more about our needs than a typical used car salesperson. When you marry someone you should consider not only whether they make you happy, but also whether you can truly make them happy.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> It's because you expect him to live his life without a fulfilling sex life, and that is not fair. Why wouldn't people feel strongly about that? His naivety doesn't warrant a lifetime of suffering.


No, I don't expect that which is why I try my best to please him because I want to. Making him feel good makes me feel good. I don't think he was being naive. I was upfront about everything for 10 straight years. He could've left and still can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

east2west said:


> If the buyer does not understand that a working engine is essential to driving a car, then yes it is the sellers fault for taking advantage of an uneducated buyer.
> 
> Furthermore, we all deserve a marriage partner that will care more about our needs than a typical used car salesperson. When you marry someone you should consider not only whether they make you happy, but also whether you can truly make them happy.


Yes, and I had always made him happy. Maybe now it's different, I'm not sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Thank you. It's a shame people are so close minded about asexuality. It hurts my heart. Telling someone not to marry because of their orientation is really discriminatory.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again you miss the point. Nobody is telling you you should not marry. They are telling you you should not marry a sexual being. You might do very well with an asexual.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

JenTee said:


> No, I don't expect that which is why I try my best to please him because I want to. Making him feel good makes me feel good. I don't think he was being naive. I was upfront about everything for 10 straight years. He could've left and still can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


'Doing your best' does not constitute a fulfilling sex life. I would hate it if my wife had sex with me out of a sense of duty. 

If he is a good enough man to live with the jail sentence that you have served him, you should cut him a break on his mildly inappropriate behaviour.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> 'Doing your best' does not constitute a fulfilling sex life. I would hate it if my wife had sex with me out of a sense of duty.
> 
> If he is a good enough man to live with the jail sentence that you have served him, you should cut him a break on his mildly inappropriate behaviour.


It's no jail sentence. He can leave if he wanted to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> It's because you expect him to live his life without a fulfilling sex life, and that is not fair. Why wouldn't people feel strongly about that? His naivety doesn't warrant a lifetime of suffering.


I don't think she expects him to live without a fulfilling sex life at all, hence why she has had sex with him multiple times a week for likely years. The thing is, he has expressed repeatedly that he's happy with this despite her asking (repeatedly from the sounds of it) if he's sure of this. You can lead a horse to water.... It's his life, and it's his call to decide if he's unhappy and wants to leave, not her's. Her job is to do the best to make him happy and she has by the sounds of it. If he's not happy, he needs to say so. 



east2west said:


> If the buyer does not understand that a working engine is essential to driving a car, then yes it is the sellers fault for taking advantage of an uneducated buyer.
> 
> Furthermore, we all deserve a marriage partner that will care more about our needs than a typical used car salesperson. When you marry someone you should consider not only whether they make you happy, but also whether you can truly make them happy.


Sorry, but if someone shows up trying to buy a car and you repeatedly ask if they are ok with this model, and you even let them test run it repeatedly and they still say yes, they want it, at some point you are allowed to wash your hands of blame. The OP let her husband test run this relationship for almost a decade before marriage (if I have my timeline correct). How much more time behind a wheel do you need before understanding the car doesn't work for you? We aren't talking about them having some casual 5 minute talk a day or two before marriage, we are talking about day in, day out involvement with this woman for 7-8 years before they even got married.



StargateFan said:


> Again you miss the point. Nobody is telling you you should not marry. They are telling you you should not marry a sexual being. You might do very well with an asexual.


Like all other forms of sexual orientation, one person should be allowed to marry another who makes them happy and whom they can spend the rest of their life with. She did that. Apparently her husband MAY not have. Her being asexual has nothing to do with who she can/can't marry. It's on the other person to make the decision if her asexuality is compatible with them.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> 'Doing your best' does not constitute a fulfilling sex life. I would hate it if my wife had sex with me out of a sense of duty.
> 
> If he is a good enough man to live with the jail sentence that you have served him, you should cut him a break on his mildly inappropriate behaviour.


Would you hate it as much if your wife told you pre-marriage that she would only give you duty sex as that was all she was willing to provide? 

If so, why would you marry her?

Btw, that's pretty terrible to conclude some of his behaviour is 'mildly inappropriate'


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Yes, and I had always made him happy. Maybe now it's different, I'm not sure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what people are saying.

The decisions that he made as a young teen/early 20 something might have been based off a man who had no idea at all what he was truly signing up for by agreeing to be with what you called a "non-sexual" person.

There is the very strong possibility that things are different now because he's just grown up. He is not a boy any longer, her is a virile, sexual man. What he was willing to endure in the past might not be good enough now.

The question is, what do you think can be done about your husband's burgeoning sexuality? If he admits to needing to feel passion, desire, and deep sexual connection, which is pretty typical, how will you respond?



JenTee said:


> It's no jail sentence. He can leave if he wanted to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But that's not really easy, right, according to you? You made it clear that neither one of you believes in divorce.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Would you hate it as much if your wife told you pre-marriage that she would only give you duty sex as that was all she was willing to provide?
> 
> If so, why would you marry her?


I would like to think that I wouldn't be that stupid, but, as I said, I don't think he deserves a lifetime of passionless sex.



kingsfan said:


> Btw, that's pretty terrible to conclude some of his behaviour is 'mildly inappropriate'


The only reason she is viewing this as assault is because she is repulsed by his sexuality. I have done similar things to my wife and she either laughs and playfully slaps me away or gets in the mood.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I would like to think that I wouldn't be that stupid, but, as I said, I don't think he deserves a lifetime of passionless sex.
> 
> The only reason she is viewing this as assault is because she is repulsed by his sexuality. I have done similar things to my wife and she either laughs and playfully slaps me away or gets in the mood.


As I said, I had a migraine, had been throwing up ALL day. Wasn't able to even keep water down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

JenTee said:


> This is what I feel as well. I'm in noway saying I don't see the problem and I'm unsure of why people keep accusing me of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because your husband has a huge list of psychological issues and you expect him to make mature rational decisions.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

I have tried to no avail to be respectful to everyone here yet I have gotten attacked by some people here because of my sexuality. I am done with this forum and website. Peace!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> I take back everything I said about divorce. You don't need divorce! You need the Witness Protection Program,
> 
> It is no longer an issue of him just taking you down with him when he implodes, it is a question of how *many* innocent people he takes down along with you.


Let's not be too hasty with the crystal ball. The guy might just be somewhere on the autism spectrum or horrifically socially undeveloped. Hell, I'm off-the-scale introverted - too much time around other people drains me like nothing else. I haven't come to work with an A-K and a bandoleer over each shoulder. 

Yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> This is what I feel as well. I'm in noway saying I don't see the problem and I'm unsure of why people keep accusing me of that.


I agree Jen, you are have been upfront. You are doing what you think is the right thing in your marriage. He has accepted this by staying.

You are not making him stay.

He is on the other hand acting out in some rather agressive ways that are of concern.

But, now it's your problem because of this behavior. You might very well be the one who has to do something, like end the marriage (i know you do not want to) if he was not seek the help he needs and do what he needs to stop this behavior.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I am aware.
> 
> What is "hilarious" is Emerald accusing me of not recognizing asexuality as an orientation when I've been your staunchest defender in this thread in that regard, going head to head with most of the more ignorant posters regarding your sexual identity.
> 
> For her to try and educate me on asexuality as a legit orientation IS funny.


I agree this was indeed absurd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Like all other forms of sexual orientation, one person should be allowed to marry another who makes them happy and whom they can spend the rest of their life with. She did that. Apparently her husband MAY not have. Her being asexual has nothing to do with who she can/can't marry. It's on the other person to make the decision if her asexuality is compatible with them.


Seriously ? Have you looked at all the issues this guy has ? I agree it is up to a mature adult to make these kinds a decisions. He is not a mature adult. He is a dysfunctional child in a young mans body. He is a ticking time bomb ! 

I have issues. He has ISSUES.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Jen was reaching out for help, she hinted to the core of her problems in the title of her thread, she knew, at least subconsciously, that the way she felt about sex and the disrespect she felt from her husband were connected.

Jens' title had two main themes, Asexual and Disrespect, those two items were not to be questioned, no discussion of her sexuality, or the disrespect shown her, were to be questioned... she wanted help, but she didn't want help, but she wanted help.

Jen has real biological and psychological sexual issues that aren't going to be explained away with a label, someone, will hopefully, eventually, help her with this, it isn't going to happen with positive reinforcement of the label, nor without digging deeper into what makes her tick, and it certainly isn't going to happen unless she's cooperative with the process.

Her husband has issues, no doubt, and I'm sure they've fed off of each others insecurities to establish the relationship they have now, but what seemed to be working for them in the past, is coming to a slow painful halt.

T


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

JenTee said:


> The issue I have is continuously being disrespected. I will ask him to PLEASE not touch my sexual areas but he doesn't listen. I'm talking about.. we'll be walking down the street and he won't stop touching my ass. He will shout "Your ass is so squishy" and things like that in the middle of a public place. I feel so so humiliated. I even said many times.. do it at home (I'd still hate it), not in public. However, he says okay but never listens to me. I'm not sure what to do. He did this today. I am tired of being "careful" about what I wear. Meaning, not wearing tight fitting clothes because he won't stop touching me. It makes me cry sometimes. If I express how I feel and cry about it, I get ragefully yelled at. So I keep it inside.. I go into the lavatory and cry. How should I handle this? The grabbing seems to be getting worse. While I was driving today he started grabbing at my chest. I told him to quit it. He started saying " They are only there for one purpose- me to touch them and stare at them." When I hear that it makes me wish I had no breasts. Literally.
> 
> Occasionally he will act shocked that I hate sex and touching. It's a mystery to me because we've been together for close to 10 years and I've ALWAYS remained the same on the issue.
> 
> I am unclear whether I am in an abusive marriage or not. What is the proper way to deal with the grabbing? It's not as if he doesn't get sex and it's not like I've ever changed and suddenly decided I don't like sex.. it's always been this way (almost 10 years as I said.). Therapy is not an option as I have no money for it and he would never ever agree to that. Ugh! Help!


When he "grabs" you, is he hurting you? You don't mention pain or bruising, so it sounds like he could be attempting sexual playfulness with you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

JenTee said:


> You're so wrong. There's MANY asexual/sexual relationships that work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but none of them are marriages.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

johnnycomelately said:


> I have done similar things to my wife and she either laughs and playfully slaps me away or gets in the mood.


I take it back. I just re-read her original post and I realise I skimmed the part about assualt in the kitchen. I have never done anything like that to my wife. I was thinking about bum-grabbing.

I am sorry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why is the OP's husband inappropriately groping her?

It's becuase he is sexually frustrated. That's what sexually frustrated men do to their wives. Why is he frustrated? Becuase he knows Jen feels raped when he expresses a natural sexual love toward her. 

She assocates sex with Hate, he associates sex sith love...


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

JenTee said:


> Hey I'm pretty good. How are you? I've been paying extra attention to my husband in physical way: kissing, hugging, etc. He has been enjoying it very much.  Yes, and thank you so much for all of your kind words! You are a sweetheart!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You seem like a very sweet gal! I'm happy to even help you just a little bit. If you have to put some people on ignore, do it! Just don't leave because of a few strident people. Come back Jen! 

Annie


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

OP is gone folks. 

Nicely done. Wow.

Will reopen at request of Original Poster.


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