# Lies and an inappropriate relationship



## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years. Completely and totally in love and have never once suspected anything wrong with our relationship.....until now.

A month ago I got a text from an anonymous number that said ask your boyfriend about xxx yyy. He is cheating on you and they are hiding each other. You can imagine how my heart sank. I asked him and he said she was an old co-worker (worked with her 5 years ago) and that they occasionally text each other. He said every couple of months she reaches out to see how he's doing. I asked him if there was anything else to this relationship, did they have feelings for each other, was there any other communication and did I have anything to worry about? The answer to all of those questions were No. He said she knew about me and my children. I was extremely hurt that she knows all about me and I know NOTHING about her!

Fast forward 2 days later I received screenshots of multiple emails between him and the past co-worker from an anonymous number. This is what the emails consisted of:

Her: I probably shouldn't be telling you this since you are happy and in love, but I can't stop thinking about you
Him: I'm truly sorry. I understand the struggle 100% I really do
Her: I wish I could turn off these feelings but I can't
Him: You can't help the way you feel, I understand and it's ok

A day goes by and he's out of town:
Him: I am out of town and I made eye contact with a woman that reminds me of you
Her: Glad that you are thinking of me. Oh I love (city) would you send me some pics
Him: Sure! (sent pics)

Her: I wish I could be the Tin man and not have feelings, but I can't stop thinking about you or get over you. I know you're happy and you've found the one but I can't help it how I feel about you.
Him: You can't help the way you feel. I never wanted to hurt you or for you to endure any pain, I'm truly sorry. You could NEVER be the Tin man.

I confronted him and asked him why he lied. He said he thought it would be easier. He didn't just lie one time, he lied multiple times about multiple things. I am so hurt. I don't know who he thought it would be easier on! 

He has sworn to me that he did not cheat and that the interaction meant nothing. He said they did not have a past relationship, they did not have sex in the past and they did not meet up. He said he was always clear with her about me and our relationship.

He is very, very sorry. There have been many tears between us. So much heartache. He has apologized many times and swears to me that nothing like this will ever happen again and he will never put himself in this type of situation again. As far as I know he has never lied to me until now. He said he was just as blown away by her confessing her feelings as I was because she had never indicated before that she had feelings for him.

This is where I am: We are in our late 30's and we don't communicate with someone that doesn't give us something. 
The very thoughtful words that he used: I'm truly sorry, you can't help the way you feel, I understand the struggle, I never wanted to hurt you, are something that you say to someone you care about. Right? I'm so hurt by those words!

I told him it was important to me for him to figure out WHY he communicated with her, why he continued talking to her after she confessed her feelings. Why did he lie to me? Why did he jeopardize my trust and our relationship for a woman that supposedly meant nothing? He said he got nothing out of the conversations and wasn't looking for anything because I give him everything he needs and wants. Then more apologies from him.

How do I trust this man again?

The past 4 weeks I have been reading on how to forgive, how to move past lies, how to trust again. He has given me every reassurance in the world of how much he loves me and how I complete him. I want to forgive him, but I'm not sure I can but I am trying.

I am moving past the anger stage. Now, I am just running those words he used through my head and how another woman could feel this way about him and he didn't know that it was a terrible idea to continue communicating with her. He said because he was not receptive he didn't think of how it would make me feel. Not until now-when he saw how hurt I was. How's does someone not think about their partner and how they would feel?

I feel like he did everything right with her and everything wrong with me. 

Do his words sound like there was more to this than what he is telling me? Do you consider this cheating or at the least an emotional affair? How do you recover from lies and deception? Do you believe there was a past relationship? (I'm stuck on her words: I can't get over you) Where do I go from here? 

Thank you SO much for reading and any advice or insight would be very helpful. My heart is just hurting


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"A day goes by and he's out of town:
Him: I am out of town and *I made eye contact with a woman that reminds me of you*
Her: Glad that you are thinking of me. Oh I love (city) would you send me some pics
Him: Sure! (sent pics)"

Convo initiated by him. The bolded is all you need to know. He's lying about not being interested in her.

I'm guessing the fisherwoman is the one who sent you this info. She did you a favor. Because, it tells you that not only is he interested in her, he's also out there making eye contact with other women that stirs him.

Do you really want a man who is so desperate for ego kibbles that he actively seeks them?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> "A day goes by and he's out of town:
> Him: I am out of town and *I made eye contact with a woman that reminds me of you*
> Her: Glad that you are thinking of me. Oh I love (city) would you send me some pics
> Him: Sure! (sent pics)"
> ...


I am VERY bothered by that as well and there really is no good explanation for that, is there? He said it was innocent and he was just making conversation. 

I feel that he encouraged and continued the communication because it made him feel good. He won't admit that and it's very important for me that he does. He says that he will never do this again, but how can you guarantee that when you won't even admit why it happened to begin with.

Thank you for your honest and straightforward response. I appreciate it


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here’s what you do:

Dump him because he blew it. 

That’s it. Don’t twist yourself into knots about this. Don’t argue or negotiate boundaries with him. 

Just leave and find someone with integrity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to go no contact with her.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Here’s what you do:
> 
> Dump him because he blew it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your honest opinion and advice. He did blow it and because of that I don't trust him.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> He needs to go no contact with her.


He has said that he blocked her number and her email and there is no way for her to contact him. I don't have any proof of that other than his word.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you live together?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> Thank you for your honest opinion and advice. He did blow it and because of that I don't trust him.


If you’re heading for marriage as a goal in your life, then dating, living together, engagement, etc are all trial runs at the real deal. You’re testing to see if he’s the right one for you. 

I think you just found out he’s not. 

A lack of integrity is a character flaw. He can fix it, but it’s really hard, will probably take getting dumped to understand, and even if he does the work you’ll never be sure because people without integrity lie to cover it up. 

I’m sorry. This sucks. I know this advice sounds cavalier, but it really isn’t. I’ve been married twice, divorced once, and been in a number of LTRs. One of the things I’ve learned the hard way is to call the ball as soon as you have the facts, and don’t waiver. Just act. Ripping the band aid off quickly hurts badly, but for a far shorter amount of time than just trying to peel it back slowly.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you live together?


No, we don't. We see each other about 4-5 times per week


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> If you’re heading for marriage as a goal in your life, then dating, living together, engagement, etc are all trial runs at the real deal. You’re testing to see if he’s the right one for you.
> 
> I think you just found out he’s not.
> 
> ...


I don't believe your advice is cavalier. I believe it's honest and I agree with you about the lack of integrity. I am just shocked by it because I never would have expected any of this. I really do appreciate the clear view and you have really given me a lot to think about


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> I don't believe your advice is cavalier. I believe it's honest and I agree with you about the lack of integrity. I am just shocked by it because I never would have expected any of this. I really do appreciate the clear view and you have really given me a lot to think about


People without integrity are great at lying. 

So great, that they often believe their own lies. Hence, they’re hard to spot. 

Once you do, you need to get them out of your life as soon as possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Then perhaps you need to go no contact with him? 

Any idea who the anonymous person is?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> No, we don't. We see each other about 4-5 times per week


Perfect. Easy. 

Text him “boyfriend, we are over and I do not wish to discuss it. I’ve put all your stuff in a bag and it will be outside my door at 6Pm, so I suggest you pick it up before someone else does. I won’t be at home, so don’t bother ringing the bell. I’m blocking your number right after I send you this, and I would appreciate you not trying to contact me again. I sincerely hope you have a good life and learn the importance of honesty in future relationships. Goodbye.”

Done.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And you don't give him trust, he is to earn it but l agree. It's an EA and you got the text from the other woman's BF. And l don't think he has a shot in hell with you but as Matt Matt said he would start IC and you meet up with the Counselor 1 a month, he writes a letter of no contact and when you read it and accept it he signs it and You! Mail it. And then if you choose the route of staying with him, Don't say any more to him but watch him like a hawk. 

Because if you remain in his face about this he will take it underground, and buy a burner phone. And continue to contact her. So if your going to stay and want to give him a chance. The letter and lC is the least he can do. Sorry it sucks for you to be here.

Tilted


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Then perhaps you need to go no contact with him?
> 
> Any idea who the anonymous person is?


I’d beware someone that suddenly comes out of the woodwork and wants to date you. 

Being told the truth is good, but being manipulated into being single and available so someone can get in your pants is bad.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I must have missed he's just a boyfriend dump the dud. He's not worth 1 tear from you, or your unhappiness.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Then perhaps you need to go no contact with him?
> 
> Any idea who the anonymous person is?


That is definitely want I'm trying to decide.

I think the anonymous person is her. She knows who I am. Clearly. I found her on FB and we have mutual friends. I believe it was her way of breaking us up to get to him. She, of course, is married with 2 children.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Perfect. Easy.
> 
> Text him “boyfriend, we are over and I do not wish to discuss it. I’ve put all your stuff in a bag and it will be outside my door at 6Pm, so I suggest you pick it up before someone else does. I won’t be at home, so don’t bother ringing the bell. I’m blocking your number right after I send you this, and I would appreciate you not trying to contact me again. I sincerely hope you have a good life and learn the importance of honesty in future relationships. Goodbye.”
> 
> Done.


You make it sound so easy. Ugh! I wish it was that easy.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> He needs to go no contact with her.





nicknacksnack said:


> That is definitely want I'm trying to decide.
> 
> I think the anonymous person is her. She knows who I am. Clearly. I found her on FB and we have mutual friends. I believe it was her way of breaking us up to get to him. She, of course, is married with 2 children.


Your a smart cookie, you really are, you know what to do like 23 1/2 hrs ago.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> That is definitely want I'm trying to decide.
> 
> I think the anonymous person is her. She knows who I am. Clearly. I found her on FB and we have mutual friends. I believe it was her way of breaking us up to get to him. She, of course, is married with 2 children.


Once you go no contact, drop her husband a note. Anonymously is ok.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> You make it sound so easy. Ugh! I wish it was that easy.


It will be easier once it’s done and over. 

The fact that it’s hard for you is what he’s banking on to get away with this - now and in the future. 

It’s also what future dudes will do if you allow it. This inability to detach and move on is the vulnerability these kinds of people look for.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Once you go no contact, drop her husband a note. Anonymously is ok.


This is good advice... 

Look, I know that you love him or think you do. But DATING, not even living together, is a tryout for marriage. He failed. Badly... 

I know this hurts, but you got to dump him yesterday and inform her husband. 

It is the right thing to do, for him and you...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't think I would dump him for this....is it that woman who sent you the screenshots? Clearly, she is the one who is trying to get him away from you, and she thinks she can accomplish that by making you think he's being unfaithful to you. HE HASN'T BEEN. That's great!! She's been trying to entice him away, and he's resisted - he even told her he doesn't want her, because you are "the one"! Great answer!!

I think he screwed up, definitely, but he clearly loves you very much. I'm sure he feels bad that she keeps throwing herself at him and he has to keep rejecting her, and him lying to you could have been simply because he didn't want to scare you over something that he knew wasn't a real issue - there's a chance he's learned a valuable lesson here! Great, again!!

The trust part is going to be harder. Don't push yourself to fully trust him again right away - you've been hurt, it's ok to take some time to figure out your feelings about all this, AND to find out if you can trust him again. My husband has done some questionable things that have shaken my trust (not about other women, but it's the same feeling), and I've been able to let them go and recognize that he's a human being who is capable of making mistakes, but he still loves me and I love him, so much! There's no need to give up yet!!


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I must have missed he's just a boyfriend dump the dud. He's not worth 1 tear from you, or your unhappiness.


This is interesting to me. Does it make a difference that he's JUST a boyfriend and not my husband? No judgement just curious


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Once you go no contact, drop her husband a note. Anonymously is ok.


I have been wanting to do this since I found out. Their FB's are so deceiving


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> This is good advice...
> 
> Look, I know that you love him or think you do. But DATING, not even living together, is a tryout for marriage. He failed. Badly...
> 
> ...


Thank you for honest advice. I do love him, very much. But, it certainly doesn't excuse any of this and you're right he did fail.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This one isn't that hard. If you were married, I'd think there would be more pause, but you aren't even living together.

This man is a player. 

He got burned by this woman, who is probably going to try to ruin all of his relationships for awhile. He teased her, is continuing to tease her, so she's messing with his life.

You don't want to be a part of this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

nicknacksnack said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > I must have missed he's just a boyfriend dump the dud. He's not worth 1 tear from you, or your unhappiness.
> ...


No legal entanglements.... the break is clean and easy but mostly that’s a mans directive. It’s nick nack patty whack ..... instead of.....nick nack patty has his sack


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't think I would dump him for this....is it that woman who sent you the screenshots? Clearly, she is the one who is trying to get him away from you, and she thinks she can accomplish that by making you think he's being unfaithful to you. HE HASN'T BEEN. That's great!! She's been trying to entice him away, and he's resisted - he even told her he doesn't want her, because you are "the one"! Great answer!!
> 
> I think he screwed up, definitely, but he clearly loves you very much. I'm sure he feels bad that she keeps throwing herself at him and he has to keep rejecting her, and him lying to you could have been simply because he didn't want to scare you over something that he knew wasn't a real issue - there's a chance he's learned a valuable lesson here! Great, again!!
> 
> The trust part is going to be harder. Don't push yourself to fully trust him again right away - you've been hurt, it's ok to take some time to figure out your feelings about all this, AND to find out if you can trust him again. My husband has done some questionable things that have shaken my trust (not about other women, but it's the same feeling), and I've been able to let them go and recognize that he's a human being who is capable of making mistakes, but he still loves me and I love him, so much! There's no need to give up yet!!


Yes, I do believe it was her, but I have no proof of that. 

Thank you for your advice and your insight. I really appreciate it. Much of what you've said has been playing over and over in my head. I really haven't doubted his love for me, but he has royally messed up in a lot of ways. 

I know we mess up and make mistakes, but I'm not sure I can recover from this one. I feel like I'm doing a lot of work trying to forgive him and he's just saying I'm sorry, I love you, and this will never happen again. I just don't know if I can trust him again.

Thank you again for the positive words


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> Thank you for honest advice. I do love him, very much. But, it certainly doesn't excuse any of this and you're right he did fail.


You loved the person he was pretending to be. 

Not who he really is. 

You have a better idea now who he really is. 

It’s like going to the fridge to eat some awesome leftover pizza and opening the Tupperware to find it’s all moldy and gross. 

You don’t eat it anyway. You don’t put it back in the fridge. You throw it out and put the Tupperware in the dishwasher with “sanitize” turned on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes, I do believe it was her, but I have no proof of that.
> 
> Thank you for your advice and your insight. I really appreciate it. Much of what you've said has been playing over and over in my head. I really haven't doubted his love for me, but he has royally messed up in a lot of ways.
> 
> ...


People without integrity generally do mess up in all kinds of ways - not just with their relationships. With all aspects of their life. 

Once you’re willing to lie to get away with something wrong but you want it anyway, you’re eventually in for a world of trouble. 

Best to leave him to it on his own. This is probably a tip of the iceberg scenario. He likely has other troubles in his life - work, finances, taxes, drugs, booze, whatever. It shows up, and they lie their way through it. Until they can’t get out of it any more, and then it’s often the people that love them that end up footing the bill.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marduk said:


> People without integrity generally do mess up in all kinds of ways - not just with their relationships. With all aspects of their life.
> 
> Once you’re willing to lie to get away with something wrong but you want it anyway, you’re eventually in for a world of trouble.
> 
> Best to leave him to it on his own. This is probably a tip of the iceberg scenario. He likely has other troubles in his life - work, finances, taxes, drugs, booze, whatever. It shows up, and they lie their way through it. Until they can’t get out of it any more, and then it’s often the people that love them that end up footing the bill.


I totally agree with Marduk here.
If you really like who he COULD BE? Help him become it, leave him. 
It's the best thing you could do for his virtue....might wake it up.

Send him "12 Rules for life" as a parting gift.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marduk said:


> People without integrity generally do mess up in all kinds of ways - not just with their relationships. With all aspects of their life.
> 
> Once you’re willing to lie to get away with something wrong but you want it anyway, you’re eventually in for a world of trouble


Great point ......very very very true !!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes, I do believe it was her, but I have no proof of that.
> 
> Thank you for your advice and your insight. I really appreciate it. Much of what you've said has been playing over and over in my head. I really haven't doubted his love for me, but he has royally messed up in a lot of ways.
> 
> ...


You're welcome, and I hope everything works out for you, not matter what choice you make!


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> People without integrity generally do mess up in all kinds of ways - not just with their relationships. With all aspects of their life.
> 
> Once you’re willing to lie to get away with something wrong but you want it anyway, you’re eventually in for a world of trouble.
> 
> Best to leave him to it on his own. This is probably a tip of the iceberg scenario. He likely has other troubles in his life - work, finances, taxes, drugs, booze, whatever. It shows up, and they lie their way through it. Until they can’t get out of it any more, and then it’s often the people that love them that end up footing the bill.


I asked for it and I got it. Thank you for your honesty. These are some things I didn't expect to hear. I am grateful for saying not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> I asked for it and I got it. Thank you for your honesty. These are some things I didn't expect to hear. I am grateful for saying not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.


I suggest that this ends today.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe she lied to him about you so she is showing you what he really is?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> This is interesting to me. Does it make a difference that he's JUST a boyfriend and not my husband? No judgement just curious


Sure it does, if your married then because he took some vows to what your struggling with currently. And as a wife and husband commitment is made. And if the other was to reform and change to be true to you. Maybe but not always. I do not even entertain that idea of a cheating spouse needs a second chance not at all. Because as l believe it's a character flaw and will be repeated again and again. 

But an EA is, almost worse than physical because she gave her heart to another instead of giving it to me. But that's where l draw the line. Your not me and l was giving you choices that works for you, and not me. Is why it makes a difference if married vs not married.

Tilted


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> People without integrity generally do mess up in all kinds of ways - not just with their relationships. With all aspects of their life.
> 
> Once you’re willing to lie to get away with something wrong but you want it anyway, you’re eventually in for a world of trouble.
> 
> Best to leave him to it on his own. This is probably a tip of the iceberg scenario. He likely has other troubles in his life - work, finances, taxes, drugs, booze, whatever. It shows up, and they lie their way through it. Until they can’t get out of it any more, and then it’s often the people that love them that end up footing the bill.





Tilted 1 said:


> Sure it does, if your married then because he took some vows to what your struggling with currently. And as a wife and husband commitment is made. And if the other was to reform and change to be true to you. Maybe but not always. I do not even entertain that idea of a cheating spouse needs a second chance not at all. Because as l believe it's a character flaw and will be repeated again and again.
> 
> But an EA is, almost worse than physical because she gave her heart to another instead of giving it to me. But that's where l draw the line. Your not me and l was giving you choices that works for you, and not me. Is why it makes a difference if married vs not married.
> 
> Tilted


I see. Thank you for the further explanation.

Do you view this as an EA? I've been cautious about using that word because I'm unsure. What I read is conflicting. He was not romancing her, did not meet her, etc. But, he did so much wrong and lied.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

@faithfulwife, you might be able to offer this one some insights and words of wisdom, female to female.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> I see. Thank you for the further explanation.
> 
> Do you view this as an EA? I've been cautious about using that word because I'm unsure. What I read is conflicting. He was not romancing her, did not meet her, etc. But, he did so much wrong and lied.


EA vs PA doesn’t matter. 

Dishonesty is what matters here. Don’t focus on romance vs sex vs feelings and all that stuff. 

Focus on the dishonesty and what that means about his character.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

> Now, I am just running those words he used through my head and how another woman could feel this way about him and he didn't know that it was a terrible idea to continue communicating with her. He said because he was not receptive he didn't think of how it would make me feel. Not until now-when he saw how hurt I was. How's does someone not think about their partner and how they would feel?


It's because he's emotionally immature. Someone who is almost 40 should just inherently know he shouldn't be doing these things and that these things will hurt you. But personally, I think he's lying. He did know. He did them because they felt good and he thought he could get away with it. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, but his plan was to hide his obviously immoral actions so you wouldn't find out and get hurt. 

You're here on a marriage site where people have had the same relationship for decades and know what it takes to go the distance. People who lack integrity won't be good partners. Many people here have learned that lesson the hard way. If you're going to spend your life with someone, you want that person to have a strong sense of integrity and will do what's right because it's the right thing to do. 

Even if this woman disappears, you will likely never be certain that some other woman won't catch his eye. Certainly that can happen in any relationship, but now you have evidence of his morally weak character and lack of integrity. If you stay with him, be sure you realize you are starting from a low place. He will need to grow and mature enough to not be that kind of person anymore. And since you're in your late 30's, you have enough life experience to know how likely that is.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> This is interesting to me. Does it make a difference that he's JUST a boyfriend and not my husband? No judgement just curious





nicknacksnack said:


> I see. Thank you for the further explanation.
> 
> Do you view this as an EA? I've been cautious about using that word because I'm unsure. What I read is conflicting. He was not romancing her, did not meet her, etc. But, he did so much wrong and lied.


Anytime your partner married or not give the attention to another instead of you. (Love with hope w benefits) and it's ok to call things what they are.... Yes call it a EA! When did he text you last and tell you he locked eyes with another woman and thought or you? What a piece of crap! Totally playing you NNS, no other way to see it. Just consider your self lucky you missed the bullet this time.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

wilson said:


> It's because he's emotionally immature. Someone who is almost 40 should just inherently know he shouldn't be doing these things and that these things will hurt you. But personally, I think he's lying. He did know. He did them because they felt good and he thought he could get away with it. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, but his plan was to hide his obviously immoral actions so you wouldn't find out and get hurt.
> 
> You're here on a marriage site where people have had the same relationship for decades and know what it takes to go the distance. People who lack integrity won't be good partners. Many people here have learned that lesson the hard way. If you're going to spend your life with someone, you want that person to have a strong sense of integrity and will do what's right because it's the right thing to do.
> 
> Even if this woman disappears, you will likely never be certain that some other woman won't catch his eye. Certainly that can happen in any relationship, but now you have evidence of his morally weak character and lack of integrity. If you stay with him, be sure you realize you are starting from a low place. He will need to grow and mature enough to not be that kind of person anymore. And since you're in your late 30's, you have enough life experience to know how likely that is.


You, should really read this again. And it put things in perspective for you our pain and suffering. Helps people who are unsure, some meaning to make hard choices. And with being said add this to your memory, as what not to accept in the new man you will find in the future. 

NEVER GIVE BLIND TRUST, No that's not the way you should be your husband will show you things and do things each and everyday that encourages and displays. His love for you and you do the same for him. And when your at your greatest happiness, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A man of integrity would have responded to her that he is in a committed relationship and to not contact him again. Then he would have BLOCKED HER. Instead he engages her, which shows that his ego is stoked by her attention. Not good... kick him to the curb.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you
> 
> 
> .


Read 3x's signature: again and again. Until you really really believe it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Seriously consider what @Marduk said about the iceberg. Having inappropriate conversations with a woman, keeping it secret, lying when asked about it, all show that he has poor boundaries, is a secret keeper, and is a liar.

These character flaws will not only show up when he is in a romantic relationship, as you have experienced already, but in other areas of his life that will eventually also affect you if you continue in a relationship with him: work, chores, how he spends his free time, finances, and other areas.

In addition, his choice of words are bait to keep her coming. 



> Him: I'm truly sorry. I understand the struggle 100% I really do
> 
> Him: You can't help the way you feel, I understand and it's ok
> 
> ...


Add to that, SHE IS MARRIED AND HE KNOWS IT!!

And, How does he "understand the struggle 100%." What the heck is he talking about??

This guy has red flags flying all over the place. He needs to find his boundaries, and quit lying...and lose you.

His behavior is just a tiny indication of how your life would be with him if you stayed together. RUN!!


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> A man of integrity would have responded to her that he is in a committed relationship and to not contact him again. Then he would have BLOCKED HER. Instead he engages her, which shows that his ego is stoked by her attention. Not good... kick him to the curb.


QFT^^^^^^

He is toying with her, they are dancing a dangerous dance. 
Who cares whether its defined as an EA? Did he lie about it? Were you devastated by it? Then it's an affair, no matter books say.

This man survives on ego kibbles thrown by other women. DO NOT MARRY HIM. and please leave. 
Fast forward this 10 years and you are going crazy as he gaslights you, tells you its all in your head or that "it didn't mean a thing" to him.

As Marduk says, rip the bandaid off, fast. Go completely NC and tell him to come pick up his s**t. 

Even if it was the other woman texting you, do you seriously want to get involved in this kind of soap opera drama?
This is the kind of crap that goes on in high school ffs and he's 40! He's not going to change.

You know its wrong. You know that he has broken your trust. You wouldn't post here if you didn't want the absolute truth. Many of us have lived many years in relationships, both good and bad.

We can see this disaster waiting to happen.
Save yourself. Get out now. There is someone out there who will love you and NEVER play those games with your heart.
People make mistakes. This was a concious choice on HIS part to continue a texting relationship with this woman. And she's MARRIED with two kids. Clearly neither of them has boundaries.
Let her have him. They deserve each other


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

nicknacksnack said:


> I see. Thank you for the further explanation.
> 
> Do you view this as an EA? I've been cautious about using that word because I'm unsure. What I read is conflicting. He was not romancing her, did not meet her, etc. But, he did so much wrong and lied.





Marduk said:


> EA vs PA doesn’t matter.
> 
> Dishonesty is what matters here. Don’t focus on romance vs sex vs feelings and all that stuff.
> 
> Focus on the dishonesty and what that means about his character.


See this is the point. It does not matter. 

I'll go farther, I think he was probably physical with somebody if not her someone else. 

Here is the bottom line, it really does not matter, however, 1) You cannot believe what he says, and 2) you just really don't know if this or anything else was EA/PA, do you don't know what you don't know. And because of #1 above, you never will unless you polygraph him... 

It might be worth a chance if you were married or had kids, then you would have some incentive to figure this out and save the relationship, but you don't have that. 

So why try to save it. 

Run Forrest Runnnnn!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He obviously enjoyed the attention and that’s usually how affairs start. It’s possible that he will never do this again. It’s also possible that he will. What you do know is that he’s susceptible to attention from women other than you. I lived a similar life. The man I had always thought was so honorable turned out to be anything but. The question is, who is yours really?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Has your bf offered to do anything ie Cut contact with this woman? Send her a letter of no contact if necessary? Be transparent with his communication devices? or does he have a get over it already kind of attitude?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marduk said:


> @faithfulwife, you might be able to offer this one some insights and words of wisdom, female to female.


I'm not FW, who of course has her own brand of excellent advice, but I am a woman with an ex hb who bull****ted in much the same way with an ex gf.

OP, get rid if this guy....he lacks integrity. My ex secretly kept contact with an ex our entire 13 years together, and when caught also lied and gave bull**** excuses.

Claimed it was her contacting him.....yet I found many instances of him contacting her. Also claimed he hadn't talked to her in years, "didn't remember", blah blah.

I knew he was full of **** and divorced him last year. I recently found evidence that he's been communicating with her non stop.

Does that sound like one who hadn't spoken to her in years?

He was lying just like your guy is. You've only a year in...don't waste any more time on a guy who lacks integrity. It's time you can't get back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BluesPower said:


> See this is the point. It does not matter.
> 
> I'll go farther, I think he was probably physical with somebody if not her someone else.
> 
> ...


This is exactly the issue I had with my ex. I don't know if it was physical, but I do know that he was dishonest and that was enough.

Love doesn't make up for dishonesty.

And now I have further evidence that he never cut contact with her.

Dishonest people have character flaws. 

Love doesn't change that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Dishonest people have character flaws.
> 
> Love doesn't change that.


So perfectly put, @lifeistooshort. I hope you don't mind that I put it in my own thread so as not to forget it. (it is as a quote, so you get the credit.)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nicknacksnack said:


> I see. Thank you for the further explanation.
> 
> Do you view this as an EA? I've been cautious about using that word because I'm unsure. What I read is conflicting. He was not romancing her, did not meet her, etc. But, he did so much wrong and lied.


Yes. A classic EA.

Lucky you found out what he is now, rather than years later, after children, etc.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not FW, who of course has her own brand of excellent advice, but I am a woman with an ex hb who bull****ted in much the same way with an ex gf.
> 
> OP, get rid if this guy....he lacks integrity. My ex secretly kept contact with an ex our entire 13 years together, and when caught also lied and gave bull**** excuses.
> 
> ...


Bingo. Nicely put.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You said that they worked together 5 years ago. Could they have had an affair then? Maybe they have texted on and off since then. 

When he said 
'I never wanted to hurt you or for you to endure any pain, I'm truly sorry. You could NEVER be the Tin man'. Why was he apologising or saying he never wanted to hurt her if nothing happened? It doesn't make any sense at all unless they actually did have an affair. 

As for who sent you the text, could it be her husband? Maybe he found out. If not then send her husband the messages you posted here and ask if he knows anything about what is gong on. Its also possible that its an old work colleague. I don't think you can assume that it is her sending the text. Why would she after all this time?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think some people get off on leaving tracks.

When I was dating my husband I figured out he was still seeing his friend. Every time he mentioned attending a concert that I didn't attend with him, she liked it. He once mentioned 3 concerts on one entry on his wall. I went to one of those concerts with him. she liked it. So he finally stopped listing the concerts that he went to on his FB wall. I found this out when I raised the issue with him. He outed himself mention the concert that he did not mention on his wall. Go figure.

I think the incident suggests that some EA/PA partners are not going to remain quiet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Adelais said:


> So perfectly put, @lifeistooshort. I hope you don't mind that I put it in my own thread so as not to forget it. (it is as a quote, so you get the credit.)


Of course not!

Glad you found it valuable.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry that I am late to the party. I have said words like that to someone that was a friend only. Didn’t know she had feelings for me. It hurt knowing that I hurt her. That was the end of our friendship. I have been where your bf is. 

I see people often that remind me of friends. My wife and I will both ask “is that ————“. 

Do what is best for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Another thing is this anonymous number could be her trying to separate the two of you.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> A man of integrity would have responded to her that he is in a committed relationship and to not contact him again. Then he would have BLOCKED HER. Instead he engages her, which shows that his ego is stoked by her attention. Not good... kick him to the curb.


I agree with you and I don't know why he didn't do that. There really is no good explanation


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

wilson said:


> It's because he's emotionally immature. Someone who is almost 40 should just inherently know he shouldn't be doing these things and that these things will hurt you. But personally, I think he's lying. He did know. He did them because they felt good and he thought he could get away with it. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, but his plan was to hide his obviously immoral actions so you wouldn't find out and get hurt.


I agree with this. I think he liked it and I think he thought he wouldn't get caught


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> I agree with you and I don't know why he didn't do that. There really is no good explanation


Sure there is.

He's not a man if integrity.

Nothing more to this.

Is love going to make up for that?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Openminded said:


> He obviously enjoyed the attention and that’s usually how affairs start. It’s possible that he will never do this again. It’s also possible that he will. What you do know is that he’s susceptible to attention from women other than you. I lived a similar life. The man I had always thought was so honorable turned out to be anything but. The question is, who is yours really?


I believe he did too. He won't admit that though and it's important to me that he does, but I'm not counting on it.



NextTimeAround said:


> Has your bf offered to do anything ie Cut contact with this woman? Send her a letter of no contact if necessary? Be transparent with his communication devices? or does he have a get over it already kind of attitude?


He has cut contact with her and has been very apologetic. He hasn't made me feel anything other than he is sorry. Yes, he gave me all passcodes and passwords to everything.



MattMatt said:


> Yes. A classic EA.
> 
> Lucky you found out what he is now, rather than years later, after children, etc.


I was so hesitant to call it this, but thank you.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You said that they worked together 5 years ago. Could they have had an affair then? Maybe they have texted on and off since then.
> 
> When he said
> 'I never wanted to hurt you or for you to endure any pain, I'm truly sorry. You could NEVER be the Tin man'. Why was he apologising or saying he never wanted to hurt her if nothing happened? It doesn't make any sense at all unless they actually did have an affair.
> ...


My gut tells me that they had something going on then. He says no, but I just feel it. Telling someone you can't get over them suggests there was something to get over. It doesn't make sense otherwise. 

I assumed it was her because he was basically turning her down.



ABHale said:


> Sorry that I am late to the party. I have said words like that to someone that was a friend only. Didn’t know she had feelings for me. It hurt knowing that I hurt her. That was the end of our friendship. I have been where your bf is.
> 
> I see people often that remind me of friends. My wife and I will both ask “is that ————“.
> 
> Do what is best for you.


Thank you for your insight. I really do appreciate that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

So...

Dumped him yet?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I think what really bothers me is that he led her on for no reason other than his own selfish and he's far too old to not know better. He knew it was wrong otherwise he would have been transparent about her from the start. In your shoes, I'd have a hard time continuing the relationship.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> So...
> 
> Dumped him yet?


No, I haven't


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> No, I haven't


The longer you put off the more he knows he has the power.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

nekonamida said:


> I think what really bothers me is that he led her on for no reason other than his own selfish and he's far too old to not know better. He knew it was wrong otherwise he would have been transparent about her from the start. In your shoes, I'd have a hard time continuing the relationship.


This is where I am. I think we all make mistakes but the fact is he hid it, lied about it, and claimed he didn't know that it would hurt me.

Examining right now if I can continue the relationship. 

Thank you for insight I appreciate it


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> The longer you put off the more he knows he has the power.


I know, you're right. He knows I am struggling with whether I can continue the relationship or not. It is just heartbreaking to think about


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He has shown himself to be what he is. Untrustworthy and despicable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he never expected to get caught. He’s not going to admit to more than you know because he’s aware that doesn’t benefit him. 

I think you’ll stay but, at the very least, you shouldn’t trust him the way you once did. That’s just asking for trouble.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Marduk said:


> So...
> 
> Dumped him yet?


I always despair when dumping is the only option. I'm trying to see what similarities there are between the OP's and my situation. I stuck with him and now we are surging towards 10 years together. 6 of them married. Some people say, why did you stay with him since people are supposed to be on their best behavior in the beginning. so there are all sorts of expectations that are not always suitable.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Openminded said:


> No, he never expected to get caught. He’s not going to admit to more than you know because he’s aware that doesn’t benefit him.
> 
> I think you’ll stay but, at the very least, you shouldn’t trust him the way you once did. That’s just asking for trouble.


You're right. He's not going to admit to more. Why should he? He doesn't have the emails any longer, so there is no way for me to know the full truth.

I absolutely do not trust him right now and I'm not sure if I stay, how I will get that back. I really have been focusing on saving the relationship, reading in depth about the steps of forgiveness, and how to rebuild. It is not easy. The further I get into it the more I hurt, the more questions I have, and I keep coming back to the same thing...you don't lie and deceive the people who love you and the ultimate rule has been broken when you bring another person into your life. 

I have not made a final decision. Being here and hearing so much of what I didn't expect to hear has truly been beneficial and eye opening


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> I always despair when dumping is the only option. I'm trying to see what similarities there are between the OP's and my situation. I stuck with him and now we are surging towards 10 years together. 6 of them married. Some people say, why did you stay with him since people are supposed to be on their best behavior in the beginning. so there are all sorts of expectations that are not always suitable.


Why did you stay with him? Were you married? Do you regret the decision?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well recovery of the text is easy. Use this app and it will recover deleted text and other info.....

https://www.fonelab.com/ios-data-recovery/


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years.................


To you it probably seems like a huge decision. The reality is that you don't have much investment to lose. Just a thought.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Now the thing is will he be honest enough to let you do this to clear himself. That's a whole different animal.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

tilted 1 said:


> well recovery of the text is easy. Use this app and it will recover deleted text and other info.....
> 
> https://www.fonelab.com/ios-data-recovery/


thank you!!!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I really do wish you the best, and only you really know this we here are just giving you reference and strength.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Keep in mind your having to run phone cracking software on someone your only dating .......

Doesn't sound like a good way to get started.

I know its easy for me to throw rocks from a distance but this isn't the way you want to get started.

With that said, their are couples out there that have overcome much more than this, but to me your current investment is so small. No need to take the risk.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I really do wish you the best, and only you really know this we here are just giving you reference and strength.


Thank you so much! I am grateful for the advice, honesty and food for thought. I am truly taking all of it to heart. I have copy and pasted so much of what people have said here, so that I don't lose my way through this. I am very thankful for the support


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Nick Nack Patty Whack give a dog a bone ..... something something something .... you get screwed.

The End.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

NNS, I have a different take on this, your BF will get it and know you will never ever tolerate this behavior ever. And sets the standard of him be truthful and faithful from this point forward. Some times it just take our feet to the fire before we change and go whew.... That was a close call for me to screw up my relationship to the one l love.

It's your call, and sometimes one of you have to be the one to put boundaries that are rock solid. Personally l agree that his ways will not change. It is truly a character issue. He's just not strong enough for your love. Or worth it .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Imagine you are in a relatively new relationship and he lies to your face. Imagine what it’s going to be like 10 yrs down the road, married woman with kids and he needs his ego kibbles. I’m sorry but he will cause you a lot of pain.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What sort of long-term discussions about your relationship have you had with your BF? Have you talked about living together, getting married, etc? Or was it more you guys have been dating for a while and enjoying what you have in the moment?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

People can fall for other people with out that person knowing it. 

He should have stopped things at the point he knew that she had feelings for him. She was a friend, don’t know for how long. He could have been trying to soften the blow or he enjoyed the attention. People do stupid things for no other reason then they don’t know what else to do. I will not crucify someone with out knowing why. The ow obviously knows he is in a committed relationship because he has told her so.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

nicknacksnack said:


> I really have been focusing on saving the relationship, *reading in depth about the steps of forgiveness*, and how to rebuild. It is not easy. The further I get into it the more I hurt, the more questions I have, and I keep coming back to the same thing...you don't lie and deceive the people who love you and the ultimate rule has been broken when you bring another person into your life.


See this is the basic problem, right here in bold. (the part about forgiveness, if it did not "bold" properly)

Your forgiving him is not the issue. The issue is "His actions have to SHOW" that he is worthy of forgiveness at any level. 

So if you want to read about something, then you should be reading about infidelity. How to deal with it like the stuff on this site.

And, in general, the "rules so to speak" say that if you are not married, and you have no kids then you run. 

If you don't want to run then look at how he builds back the trust with you through being open an honest about EVERYTHING... 

So a NO NO would be getting a new phone at the worst possible time so that no texts can be retrieved, as just one example of what he is doing wrong.

See where I am coming from?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nns, another question has he tried hysterical bonding yet? You know trying to hook up with you?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> NNS, I have a different take on this, your BF will get it and know you will never ever tolerate this behavior ever. And sets the standard of him be truthful and faithful from this point forward. Some times it just take our feet to the fire before we change and go whew.... That was a close call for me to screw up my relationship to the one l love.
> 
> It's your call, and sometimes one of you have to be the one to put boundaries that are rock solid. Personally l agree that his ways will not change. It is truly a character issue. He's just not strong enough for your love. Or worth it .


I have definitely set boundaries and we have discussed what is acceptable and unacceptable. Of course some of it is just common sense but he claims he didn't know how hurtful it was until now. I hear you on the character issue. Honestly I was not looking at it as character, I had been looking at it as situational. So, I do see now that it's an issue.



wilson said:


> What sort of long-term discussions about your relationship have you had with your BF? Have you talked about living together, getting married, etc? Or was it more you guys have been dating for a while and enjoying what you have in the moment?


We have talked at length about our relationship, forever, and long term commitments. We got serious pretty quickly and have definitely expressed that we both see this relationship going further to marriage.



ABHale said:


> People can fall for other people with out that person knowing it.
> 
> He should have stopped things at the point he knew that she had feelings for him. She was a friend, don’t know for how long. He could have been trying to soften the blow or he enjoyed the attention. People do stupid things for no other reason then they don’t know what else to do. I will not crucify someone with out knowing why. The ow obviously knows he is in a committed relationship because he has told her so.


I agree with you. He should have stopped things and he should have never let it get to that point. He did tell her several times that he was in a committed relationship and he was in love and happy. I do, however, wonder how much further it would have gone if I hadn't found out.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> See this is the basic problem, right here in bold. (the part about forgiveness, if it did not "bold" properly)
> 
> Your forgiving him is not the issue. The issue is "His actions have to SHOW" that he is worthy of forgiveness at any level.
> 
> ...


Yes, I absolutely do see where you're coming from. I have been trying very hard not to categorize this as infidelity because he didn't actually sleep with her. But, I see now that I should have. 

I will read further. As far as what I've read he has done all of the "right" things to give him forgiveness: apologized, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness, is transparent, etc. 

Thank you for your advice and insight. I do appreciate it very much.



Tilted 1 said:


> Nns, another question has he tried hysterical bonding yet? You know trying to hook up with you?


Yes, he has. A week after it happened he told me that he feared me not being ready. I desperately needed that and felt that it connected us back again. That probably sounds crazy, but that's the truth


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr.Married said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years.................
> 
> 
> To you it probably seems like a huge decision. The reality is that you don't have much investment to lose. Just a thought.


Think about the next 25 years. 

Waking up at 3am after a decade or two of marriage, kids, and a mortgage to someone you know wasn’t right is soul crushing. Night after night, with a lot more than 2.5 years of dating to unwind. And takes lawyers and therapists and years and thousands of dollars to do.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

nicknacksnack said:


> Why did you stay with him? Were you married? Do you regret the decision?


We were dating at the time. He knew his "friend" only a couple months more than he knew me. She had a boyfriend as well. 

We finally had the talk. By that time I had already decided that I could not get serious about him while she was still around. If so, we could still go out but I would be dating other men. His reaction to that was immediate and offered to send an NC e-mail. 

If you stay with him, just observe his actions. Does he act as if he really wants to be with you. Is he transparent with his communication accounts? Unless you notice activity between him and this woman I wouldn't ask him de-friend her just yet. In fact, I would be curious to see what her next move might be. My husband passed on wishing her a happy b-day. And 2 months later, she passed on wishing him one as well. The year before when she knew about me, she was all over his wall on his b-day.

Some signs that he's still in touch with her. Online activity on each other's profile. His hassling you to pay for stuff ..... particularly more often than usual. Generally annoyed / agitated. Doesn't appear that he wants to be with you.

If you do choose to stay with him, wait 6 months before you show those messages to her husband.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes, I absolutely do see where you're coming from. I have been trying very hard not to categorize this as infidelity because he didn't actually sleep with her. But, I see now that I should have.
> 
> I will read further. As far as what I've read he has done all of the "right" things to give him forgiveness: apologized, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness, is transparent, etc.
> 
> ...


Sorry, hysterical bonding is when the abuser sucks them back in to their world. And it's not good for you. Boy he's up to all the tricks to suck you back in .


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> We were dating at the time. He knew his "friend" only a couple months more than he knew me. She had a boyfriend as well.
> 
> We finally had the talk. By that time I had already decided that I could not get serious about him while she was still around. If so, we could still go out but I would be dating other men. His reaction to that was immediate and offered to send an NC e-mail.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate the advice. He said he already blocked her phone number and email address and deleted all the messages, they were not friends on FB. I did not ask to confirm this by seeing it. But, he did give me the passcode to his phone and his email and FB account. 

I will continue to watch his behavior and obviously I will be hyper alert if I decide to stay in the relationship. 

Thank you again


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Sorry, hysterical bonding is when the abuser sucks them back in to their world. And it's not good for you. Boy he's up to all the tricks to suck you back in .


UGH!!!! I had never heard of this term until today when you asked me. I'm currently reading about it. Thank you for mentioning this as it is an eye opener


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You see cheaters follow a pattern and script, and very very seldom do they change. This is why we already know pretty much how it will unfold for you and losing years of your life believing he will change. You may get one out of countless couples 

But why? Would you want to regret and resentment will become you friends and once they join your life....... Well let's just say this you will never be the same woman. Because he will have sucked all the goodness out of you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> I really have been focusing on saving the relationship, reading in depth about the steps of forgiveness, and how to rebuild. It is not easy.
> 
> Has he been focusing on saving the relationship by reading in depth about what character flaws, or wounded places cause him to cheat on a loved one (even if it is flirting) hide it, minimize and lie about it? Has he started counseling to figure out why he would carry on in a way that risks losing you?
> 
> ...


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> You see cheaters follow a pattern and script, and very very seldom do they change. This is why we already know pretty much how it will unfold for you and losing years of your life believing he will change. You may get one out of countless couples
> 
> But why? Would you want to regret and resentment will become you friends and once they join your life....... Well let's just say this you will never be the same woman. Because he will have sucked all the goodness out of you.


*I understand what you're saying. I am seriously questioning if I can even forgive him and ever trust him again. This is not easy. 
*


Adelais said:


> I really have been focusing on saving the relationship, reading in depth about the steps of forgiveness, and how to rebuild. It is not easy.
> 
> Has he been focusing on saving the relationship by reading in depth about what character flaws, or wounded places cause him to cheat on a loved one (even if it is flirting) hide it, minimize and lie about it? Has he started counseling to figure out why he would carry on in a way that risks losing you?
> 
> ...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

We here know that. And you are here because you yourself needs the confirmation that what you believe to be true is. So l believe he will not change and will continue this type of behavior, and the only thing that changes is you may have children then. That's the only difference.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Forgiveness isn't for him... it is for you and for you so you can think calmly about the important decisions that will follow.

Many think of forgiveness as an act that follows, and it can be, although also a self-healing tool that tells the other person "I have decided you are not allowed to hurt me anymore" in a loving yourself more kind of way.

Trust has many aspects, but trust of the heart is led with actions and his actions do not mirror his words, that will be a hard one to let go.

Could he have learned a lesson?

Perhaps... not sure one can turn off the ego kibbles overnight with such overt evidence, especially when he is "catching the eye" of more than one woman in his desire for attention.

Heavy lifting is called that because it takes a lot of work and effort... a break would not hurt either of you and help give you the clarity you may be looking for.

The doubt you have is actually pretty healthy... it is there for a reason.

Listen to it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, people show you who they are when you're not looking or they think there are no consequences.

This guy has shown you who he is....you just aren't quite ready to believe it. He didn't think he'd get caught so he behaved in line with his true self.

He's love bombing you now because he's at risk if losing you, but that's what it took. He's not a man of integrity and you will now spend your life wondering. He's now putting on an act.

I know....I was there. And like you I really wanted to believe his bull**** that he hadn't talked to her and wouldn't again, but I never trusted him again.

I get it....you love him and very much want to buy his bull****. You'll navigate this at your own pace.

Just understand that the issue isn't whether he's blocked her....the issue is his character. You wouldn't be in this position if he was a stand up guy.

My ex gave me the same bull****...he didn't know why he did it/he wouldn't talk to her/blah blah. 

I know why though....its because he's a shady guy, just like yours.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Forgiveness isn't for him... it is for you and for you so you can think calmly about the important decisions that will follow.
> 
> Many think of forgiveness as an act that follows, and it can be, although also a self-healing tool that tells the other person "I have decided you are not allowed to hurt me anymore" in a loving yourself more kind of way.
> 
> ...


Yes you are right. I've been trying to focus on forgiving him so that I can get past this anger and hurt. It has not been easy at all.*

I guess I don't understand the ego boost that he needed because our relationship has been so perfect until now. How the f*** could he do this to me??




lifeistooshort said:


> OP, people show you who they are when you're not looking or they think there are no consequences.
> 
> This guy has shown you who he is....you just aren't quite ready to believe it. He didn't think he'd get caught so he behaved in line with his true self.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing. It's like you got right inside my heart. It's so devastating. I believe that he lied because he knows that he went too far and now won't admit what he got out of the communication. Is it important for me to know WHY for the healing and forgiving process? I feel like it is but he says it meant nothing and he can't say that it did when it didn't


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> Is it important for me to know WHY for the healing and forgiving process? I feel like it is but he says it meant nothing and he can't say that it did when it didn't


I may be wrong, but I think what you are really asking is "Is it important for _him to tell me the truth of his WHY_ for the healing....?"

You know the why. He is not in a place to be truthful with you, and may not even be being truthful with himself.

If you can accept that he is not the type of person who can get inside himself, you may be able to forgive him. That doesn't mean that you should stay with him, because his avoidance runs deep and will hurt you again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Thank you for sharing. It's like you got right inside my heart. It's so devastating. I believe that he lied because he knows that he went too far and now won't admit what he got out of the communication. *Is it important for me to know WHY for the healing and forgiving process? *I feel like it is but he says it meant nothing and he can't say that it did when it didn't".

Is it sufficient to say that he did it because it because he enjoyed it? He enjoyed it because it made him feel a. important; b. sexy; c. powerful; d. attractive; e. naughty; f. available ... Any or all make him seem insecure and a cad so, of course, he is going to deny. 

The question goes back to you: do you want a guy who actively seeks ego kibbles from other women? Even though the relationship with you was going swimmingly? Is he bored and just afraid to admit it?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Adelais said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Is it important for me to know WHY for the healing and forgiving process? I feel like it is but he says it meant nothing and he can't say that it did when it didn't
> ...


That is what I'm asking. I agree with you that I believe he did it because it felt good. I dont believe that we have people in our lives for no reason. For some reason, I feel like I need to hear that. I guess I want his admission that this was all about his ego and not that something was truly wrong in our relationship. I have run the gamut of why and I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't something that I wasn't giving him. I'm not blaming myself or taking responsibility for it but i feel its natural to wonder did I do something?




Blondilocks said:


> "Thank you for sharing. It's like you got right inside my heart. It's so devastating. I believe that he lied because he knows that he went too far and now won't admit what he got out of the communication. *Is it important for me to know WHY for the healing and forgiving process? *I feel like it is but he says it meant nothing and he can't say that it did when it didn't".
> 
> Is it sufficient to say that he did it because it because he enjoyed it? He enjoyed it because it made him feel a. important; b. sexy; c. powerful; d. attractive; e. naughty; f. available ... Any or all make him seem insecure and a cad so, of course, he is going to deny.
> 
> The question goes back to you: do you want a guy who actively seeks ego kibbles from other women? Even though the relationship with you was going swimmingly? Is he bored and just afraid to admit it?


No, I dont want a guy like that and it seems to be the only logical explanation, he enjoyed it and was encouraging it without actually "cheating"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes you are right. I've been trying to focus on forgiving him so that I can get past this anger and hurt. It has not been easy at all.*
> 
> I guess I don't understand the ego boost that he needed because our relationship has been so perfect until now. How the f*** could he do this to me??
> 
> ...



I was you about 2 years ago....that's how I know what's in your head.

At the time a friend told me that I'd never trust my hb again.

Took me another year to realize that was correct.

Take the time you need. Unless you're looking for kids there's not a huge rush, except in the time you can't get back.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I was you about 2 years ago....that's how I know what's in your head.
> 
> At the time a friend told me that I'd never trust my hb again.
> 
> ...


The bolded part is huge if you stay in a relationship with him and later on he lies again.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And cheaters lie, deny, GASLIGHT-(Look this up also) and keep truth from their victim's. It's partly because they are cake eaters,- (look this up).


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> And cheaters lie, deny, GASLIGHT-(Look this up also) and keep truth from their victim's. It's partly because they are cake eaters,- (look this up).


Thank you Tilted. I absolutely will look those up.

Thank you all for continuing to come back and talk with me. I cant tell you how much clearer things are for me now. Thank you!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes you are right. I've been trying to focus on forgiving him so that I can get past this anger and hurt. It has not been easy at all.*
> 
> I guess I don't understand the ego boost that he needed because our relationship has been so perfect until now. How the f*** could he do this to me??
> 
> ...


You’re asking two questions. 

How he could do this to you: by lacking integrity. 

Why he would do this to you: because he wanted to. 

Been there, done that. Spent years looking into it, talking to cheaters, talking to therapists, talking to betrayed people. 

And it really is that simple.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You may have thought your relationship was perfect but obviously he didn’t. There are always people who want to hold onto the relationship they have but they also want another relationship on the side. I was married to one of those people for a very long time. I don’t recommend it. Your bf may change or he may not. You don’t know which it will be and that uncertainty can eventually be a relationship killer.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Openminded said:


> You may have thought your relationship was perfect but obviously he didn’t. There are always people who want to hold onto the relationship they have but they also want another relationship on the side. I was married to one of those people for a very long time. I don’t recommend it. Your bf may change or he may not. You don’t know which it will be and that uncertainty can eventually be a relationship killer.


Cheating often has nothing to do with the relationship and always has everything to do with the cheater’s integrity.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're not married and your relationship is only 2.5 years long. He clearly wasn't all in the way you have been. You say that you two were madly in love, but he isn't as in love as you or he wouldn't be fishing around with someone else.

They say that the simple 'why' is that he wanted to, but that really doesn't help. All that does is make you realize that what he wanted in those instances wasn't you. It was her. He can say that it didn't mean anything, but that's just more self-absorption. It sure as hell means something to you.

I think you should break up with him. He is showing you who he is. You should believe him. Find a better man.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Marduk said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Yes you are right. I've been trying to focus on forgiving him so that I can get past this anger and hurt. It has not been easy at all.*
> ...


I'm starting to see that now and the more I read the more I believe it



Openminded said:


> You may have thought your relationship was perfect but obviously he didn’t. There are always people who want to hold onto the relationship they have but they also want another relationship on the side. I was married to one of those people for a very long time. I don’t recommend it. Your bf may change or he may not. You don’t know which it will be and that uncertainty can eventually be a relationship killer.


You're right he obviously didnt value it otherwise he would have never done that and certainly wouldn't have lied about it.



alte Dame said:


> You're not married and your relationship is only 2.5 years long. He clearly wasn't all in the way you have been. You say that you two were madly in love, but he isn't as in love as you or he wouldn't be fishing around with someone else.
> 
> They say that the simple 'why' is that he wanted to, but that really doesn't help. All that does is make you realize that what he wanted in those instances wasn't you. It was her. He can say that it didn't mean anything, but that's just more self-absorption. It sure as hell means something to you.
> 
> I think you should break up with him. He is showing you who he is. You should believe him. Find a better man.


You're exactly right. It did mean something to me and hearing I dont know and it meant nothing just feels like lies and totally diminishing the major impact this has had on my trust of him and our relationship


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Could it be that because he was 'just fooling around' enjoying his entertaining ego boost and not considering anyone else and how they might be affected, it really did not mean anything to him? You know he will lie if necessary. This is the character issue that keeps popping up. 

He will get tired of dealing with this if he is not absolutely, positively remorseful. There is always a poly if you want more insight.

Since she sent the evidence--trying to break you up, how would you feel if he turned to her if you split? (Have you had the number traced?) Is lack of trust heavy enough to let go--only you know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

nicknacksnack said:


> Yes, I absolutely do see where you're coming from. I have been trying very hard not to categorize this as infidelity because he didn't actually sleep with her. But, I see now that I should have.
> 
> I will read further. As far as what I've read he has done all of the "right" things to give him forgiveness: apologized, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness, is transparent, etc.
> 
> ...


Honey, he doesn't have to sleep with anyone else for it to be infidelity, it is crossing boundaries, it is hurting you, it is giving to another what rightfully is yours in this relationship, it is not being engaged emotionally with another. He either knows what he is doing or he doesn't care, both are major red flags in my opinion. In addition, you got serious very quickly, that in itself is another red flag. Many abusive relationships start of thus, then the abusive spouse does things like your boyfriend to test the boundaries and see how much you will tolerate and then claim ignorance when they are confronted. If you let this go, what boundary will he test the next time?
Honestly, you have no kids, you have only invested a few years, I would run for the hills.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Could it be that because he was 'just fooling around' enjoying his entertaining ego boost and not considering anyone else and how they might be affected, it really did not mean anything to him? You know he will lie if necessary. This is the character issue that keeps popping up.
> 
> He will get tired of dealing with this if he is not absolutely, positively remorseful. There is always a poly if you want more insight.
> 
> Since she sent the evidence--trying to break you up, how would you feel if he turned to her if you split? (Have you had the number traced?) Is lack of trust heavy enough to let go--only you know.


Not that the lies are not hurtful and absolutely horrible, I was really looking at the offense as the worst thing. However after reading and engaging here I do see that the lies make this situation a much deeper problem. A character problem. 

He has been completely remorseful and extremely genuine. I can tell. I'm not sure that is enough. 

The number was all zeros. I'm not sure how she did that. I dont have detailed billing on my cell phone bill but I guess I need to contact the cell phone carrier to see what they can do.

I don't think he would turn to her but I cant be sure of that 



aine said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, I absolutely do see where you're coming from. I have been trying very hard not to categorize this as infidelity because he didn't actually sleep with her. But, I see now that I should have.
> ...


I agree with you. This doesn't fit into all of the categories of an EA but I know now that doesn't matter. He engaged in an intimate way with another woman.

I am reading about boundaries and honestly I keep asking myself do I really need to set boundaries with someone I love. Shouldn't he know right from wrong?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> Not that the lies are not hurtful and absolutely horrible, I was really looking at the offense as the worst thing. However after reading and engaging here I do see that the lies make this situation a much deeper problem. A character problem.
> 
> He has been completely remorseful and extremely genuine. I can tell. I'm not sure that is enough.
> 
> ...


I've sadly and regrettably been in his shoes. He absolutely knows right from wrong. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew it was wrong to betray you while he was doing it. He was not concerned about it in those moments he was doing it. He may have regretted it while he wasn't actively engaged in communicating with her, but not enough to stop doing it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nicknacksnack said:


> He has been completely remorseful and extremely genuine.


Yeah, most of them do put on a pretty good show of 'remorse' - begging and crying and getting down on their knees or getting into the fetal position to SHOW you how they *feel* your pain. 

And, a lot of betrayed spouses actually mistake a cheater's REGRET for remorse, like you've done. He simply regrets having been caught and possibly losing you. Don't *mistake* that for remorse, however. HIM crying and begging is not remorse.



nicknacksnack said:


> He has said that he blocked her number and her email and there is no way for her to contact him. I don't have any proof of that other than his word.


Honestly? The chances that he's cut contact with her are extremely doubtful.

There are SO many damned ways to contact each other that I can't even count them. KiK, SnapChat, WhatsApp, Viber, Google Hangouts, chat functions in most online game apps, secret email accounts, cheap burner phones, secret hidden social media profiles used for reaching out, connecting and communicating...do I need to go on? Just because he blocked her on the avenues of communication that you KNOW ABOUT and are now monitoring does not mean he's cut off contact with her.

And for what it's worth, they're always "oh so sooooooorrrrryyyyyy" *when they're caught lying*. This guy is no different than the rest of them when they're caught. No different at ALL.
*



Shouldn't he know right from wrong?

Click to expand...

*Of COURSE he knows the difference between right and wrong. That's why he's LIED to you all these years about his special secret _friendship_ with her and why he LIED to you when you found out and confronted him about it. And that's also why he's very likely lying to you about how he's never, ever going to contact her again. He will and already has. He's NOT going to just block her out of the blue and not tell her why, and he's also not likely going to just stop communicating with her. And if he thinks it was actually her sending you the screenshots, you can BELIEVE he's been in touch with her telling her how much trouble she got him in. But he's been in touch and will likely continue - I'd bet the farm on that one. He'll just use different methods of communication that you *don't* know about and aren't monitoring, is all.

We see this type of deceit played out every single day on message boards like this. It's rarer than frog's hair when a cheater actually tells the 100% unvarnished truth about ANYTHING. You'll see. You'll find out more and you'll also likely catch him in more lies.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ...*And that's also why he's very likely lying to you about how he's never, ever going to contact her again. He will and already has. He's NOT going to just block her out of the blue and not tell her why, and he's also not likely going to just stop communicating with her. And if he thinks it was actually her sending you the screenshots, you can BELIEVE he's been in touch with her telling her how much trouble she got him in. But he's been in touch and will likely continue* - I'd bet the farm on that one. He'll just use different methods of communication that you *don't* know about and aren't monitoring, is all.
> 
> We see this type of deceit played out every single day on message boards like this. It's rarer than frog's hair when a cheater actually tells the 100% unvarnished truth about ANYTHING. You'll see. You'll find out more and you'll also likely catch him in more lies.


You can take this to the bank.

You are the dupe. They know the truth of everything - your BF and the OW. You are the odd man out. He will lie to you to protect himself and try to keep you from leaving him.

Please don't be a chump. If you stay with him and you find out the real truth, you will kick yourself.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Bottom line, he's going to keep doing this.

Maybe a year from now, or two years from now, or maybe even just in a couple of months, you'll notice he's texting with another mysterious woman, or lingering too long with his eyes on someone nearby.

Dude. Is. A. Player.

Players don't make for good long term partners.

People can change in this regard. Players do sometimes settle down. But he's fresh off of the game. It's gonna be a battle. You are better off finding someone who isn't prowling around.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> .
> I am reading about boundaries and honestly I keep asking myself do I really need to set boundaries with someone I love. Shouldn't he know right from wrong?


NNS, yes of course you do all adults do this so spelling it out is what required, especially now in these times. And this way there is no shadow of a doubt. Love has nothing to do with boundaries ( in his mind) nothing at all. It allows your other to cross lines in his mind and then claim he didn't think it would bother you. And this is the reason you are here trying to defend that dud, you still want to call your BF.

Spelling it all out and do this have him write things down that he has as boundaries and you write yours then you both make choices but you really need to rethink keeping the dud.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Did you consider him marriage material? 
If so, did he pass the 5 As? Doesn’t sound like it.

https://youtu.be/VaImIgDiDLA


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP--

My wife and I are in our second marriage for both of us, and we have some perspective. Some of our kids are older than you. So I don't want to pry, but I wonder if there is another issue complicating your decision.

You posted that you were in this relationship for 2.5 years, as though it was a long time. You stated, I believe, that you were 39. I'm not trying to be personal, but is it possible that there is a bit of the "biological clock" factor in here? I know that for some women, as they approach 40, they start worrying about being able to marry and have children. Even if they have children from a prior relationship, they may want one with the new relationship. 

As a result, some women get into that "sunk costs" mindset. (Info on that here:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost). They feel this may be their last chance, and are therefore hesitant to cut their losses because they have invested too much of their childbearing years in the relationship. As a result, they may cling to a situation for fear of not having another relationship/marriage in the time allowed by their biological clock.

I don't want to presume anything. I am just throwing out a possibility to see if you might agree that it could be affecting your decision.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Not that the lies are not hurtful and absolutely horrible, I was really looking at the offense as the worst thing. However after reading and engaging here I do see that the lies make this situation a much deeper problem. A character problem.
> ...


I am having a hard time believing that anyone would not know that it was wrong. I completely understand what you're saying


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > He has been completely remorseful and extremely genuine.
> ...


Thank you for mentioning this. I hadn't really thought about the difference of these two and it's a very interesting distinction. I am seeing what I believe is remorse but it very well could be regret. That is something I will read and explore. 

I have thought about him contacting her after the blow up. I was so emotional I honestly didn't think of so many things that have been mentioned here. I didnt think to ask to see that he blocked her, etc. I just said cut off contact and he said done. I have checked his phone for other communication and haven't found anything suspicious. I'm not saying there isnt I'm just saying I haven't found anything. 

Thank you for the sound advice


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Gabriel said:


> Bottom line, he's going to keep doing this.
> 
> Maybe a year from now, or two years from now, or maybe even just in a couple of months, you'll notice he's texting with another mysterious woman, or lingering too long with his eyes on someone nearby.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I'm weighing right now. Can I stay and chance that or just cut loose. I dont want that life that's for sure


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > .
> ...


I'm not defending him. I am just trying to be honest and share all if what happened and what I see and feel. 

I am not defending any of his actions. All of it was wrong from beginning to end. 

I have been reading more about boundaries and how you have to have them especially after a situation life this. 

Thank you for your advice


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

BigbadBootyDaddy said:


> Did you consider him marriage material?
> If so, did he pass the 5 As? Doesn’t sound like it.
> 
> https://youtu.be/VaImIgDiDLA


Thank you so much for this video!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Late here, but..My god!!the amount of people here projecting to the point that its now a lynching mob.

To the OP: between the person that sent you the e-mail and the lynching mob here it's becoming obvious that the poor sap of your boyfriend is doomed. Just based on a few nothings. I believe that the other woman already won, because it's pretty obvious that it was her who sent the e-mail with the intention to get you to dump him.
His sins were those of lying about it, but I don't see where was he cheating on you; on the contrary, he was delicately letting her know that he has not interest on her.
Now the part I did not get: was he her coworker while he was already in a relationship with you? If yes, then his fault for not cutting this right away. If not, and she's just letting him know now, then where is the cheating, emotional affair, and all the other horrible traits already assigned to him by the lynching mob here?

All I see just based on few emails interactions that the most he is guilty of 
is of getting some ego kibbles, and hiding it from you/ lying; but not the unfaithful, lying, deceiful monster that he had already been portrayed to you in this forum. 
Not one is perfect, we all have pluses and minuses, character wise. Please, decide for yourself. Take a look at the whole picture; if this is obviously a deal breaker to you then by all mean end the relationship, but please, do it for the right reasons, not because he was already trialled and condemned in this court.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> OP--
> 
> My wife and I are in our second marriage for both of us, and we have some perspective. Some of our kids are older than you. So I don't want to pry, but I wonder if there is another issue complicating your decision.
> 
> ...


Thank you for such a thoughtful post! I do have children from a prior marriage and cannot have any more children so that is not a factor in my decision but thank you for asking. 

I do, however, understand what you're saying about a clock ticking. I did always picture myself married with a lifelong partner. So after my last marriage failed I did seek a partner. Met my current BF after some time and I thought very early on that he was the one. 2.5 years is not a lifetime but I feel we have shared so much in that short period of time. There is a part of me that would mourn this relationship and fear starting over but I'm certainly not opposed to doing it because of this situation


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Late here, but..My god!!the amount of people here projecting to the point that its now a lynching mob.
> 
> To the OP: between the person that sent you the e-mail and the lynching mob here it's becoming obvious that the poor sap of your boyfriend is doomed. Just based on a few nothings. I believe that the other woman already won, because it's pretty obvious that it was her who sent the e-mail with the intention to get you to dump him.
> His sins were those of lying about it, but I don't see where was he cheating on you; on the contrary, he was delicately letting her know that he has not interest on her.
> ...


Thank you! I really appreciate such a thoughtful post. 

He was her co-worker 5 years ago. They havent worked together since then so he knew her before me. 

I've felt deep down in my soul that he did not physically cheat on me. I think the conversation was inappropriate and crossed major lines and I'm hurt from the words he used and the fact that he lied to me. 

Coming here was to hear different perspectives and I've received so much good information and advice and I certainly appreciate it. I know in the end the decision is mine and I will weigh all of the information and make the best decision I can.

Some responses have been a bit extreme but I think they are coming from a place of experience. 

I appreciate a different perspective from you. Thank you so much for the insight and great advice!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@nicknacksnack: thank you for the information about the time frame when they worked together. 

Now, based on the information presented by you here we don't know if there ever was anything between them at the time, and before he met you. 

Now, let's suppose for argument's sake that something happened between them at that time, these series of messages that were sent to you recently, based on the verbiage would indicate that your boyfriend, seriously erred (consciously or not) in the boundaries aspect, and that would be inappropriate, because his duty should has been to let her know in not uncertain manner that he was not interested and to cut it out, plus lying to you, still this wouldn't be cheating, but I would categorize it as an inappropriate behavior. If like I say in the previous post she just now let him know of her feelings for him, then most likely he didn't know how to let her down upright. A lot of people are very incapable of being upfront in these types of situations and they just go "being nice". Now, I'm not saying that's the case here, but is a possibility. Think about it and match it against what you know about your boyfriend's character and personality. 

Best wishes in your search for happiness.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> Thank you for such a thoughtful post! I do have children from a prior marriage and cannot have any more children so that is not a factor in my decision but thank you for asking.
> 
> I do, however, understand what you're saying about a clock ticking. I did always picture myself married with a lifelong partner. So after my last marriage failed I did seek a partner. Met my current BF after some time and I thought very early on that he was the one. 2.5 years is not a lifetime but I feel we have shared so much in that short period of time. There is a part of me that would mourn this relationship and fear starting over but I'm certainly not opposed to doing it because of this situation


NNS, 
Well you being married prior, should alert you to this type of issues he his having. Yes the mourning is a human thing. But the cost of never being completely sure of monogynous relationship on his behalf . Because you will become the marital police, and always have doubts when he's away or distant at time or you may not even know because he was able to fool you already. Just saying.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But starting over is unnerving, and takes a strong person to do. But as l see it you value yourself so low, it is affecting your judgement now. And because of that you will to put your child/ren at risk for them to care and love this figured you are willing to keep. If he should continue his ways until at a point in the future crosse's the line of no return but then it will be a new marriage and it will never be the same original one but a new one will have to be made.


I do not change my stance of me being part of the so called MOB, it doesn't offend me the least because if all the post you but sure there's that chance it wouldn't happen but the odds are against him from his type of character personality. 

If you don't mind why did your marriage fail? Was it you or him that wanted out? How long was you married?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, didn't see in the texts that he was physically cheating, or even that he wanted to.

What I saw was lying and hiding. This wasn't an issue of privacy. This was an issue of secrecy, which is a death knell of any intimate relationship. You can't minimize the lying and sneaking around. It is a betrayal of the trust that he assured you of. It's not 'just lying.'

I would cut my losses if I were you.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> But starting over is unnerving, and takes a strong person to do. But as l see it you value yourself so low, it is affecting your judgement now. And because of that you will to put your child/ren at risk for them to care and love this figured you are willing to keep. If he should continue his ways until at a point in the future crosse's the line of no return but then it will be a new marriage and it will never be the same original one but a new one will have to be made.
> 
> 
> I do not change my stance of me being part of the so called MOB, it doesn't offend me the least because if all the post you but sure there's that chance it wouldn't happen but the odds are against him from his type of character personality.
> ...


I dont value myself so low. I wouldn't stay because I dont think I have any other choice or think that I'm not worthy of better. My self confidence is ok despite this situation and has absolutely nothing to do with whether I stay or go. 

I was married 14 years. I wanted out. My ex was an ******* and very hard to deal with, lazy, and just overall not a good person. We did MC several times over 5 years or so. I just couldn't stay married to him anymore. I wasn't happy and was not in love with him


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for such a thoughtful post! I do have children from a prior marriage and cannot have any more children so that is not a factor in my decision but thank you for asking.
> ...


I hear you. That is one of my biggest fears and questions if I decide to stay. Will I ever not worry be able to worry or check up on him


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> @nicknacksnack: thank you for the information about the time frame when they worked together.
> 
> Now, based on the information presented by you here we don't know if there ever was anything between them at the time, and before he met you.
> 
> ...


Thank you I appreciate your perspective. Much of what you've said is what he has said. I'm trying to sort out all of it and figure out exactly what this all meant to him. I know what it means to me. As you said, he seriously erred and definitely crossed boundaries


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## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

nicknacksnack said:


> He has said that he blocked her number and her email and there is no way for her to contact him. I don't have any proof of that other than his word.




Have him show you that he blocked her on his phone. Of course he could easily unblock her later - but if he shows it to you right when you ask without doing anything on the phone first, that might be a positive sign. Otherwise you've likely caught him in a lie.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Married-Man said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > He has said that he blocked her number and her email and there is no way for her to contact him. I don't have any proof of that other than his word.
> ...


He did block her. I asked him to show me last night and he had


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

In the process now of recovering the emails! Will update once I read them and process


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> In the process now of recovering the emails! Will update once I read them and process


That's good to hear.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

nicknacksnack said:


> In the process now of recovering the emails! Will update once I read them and process


yeah, I'm interested, too. When I matched what I was experiencing in real life to the messaging that was going on between around those times, what an eye opener.

On our 5th date, we went to a big picnic of group I belong to. Throughout the day, of course we moved around, picking up our meals, going to the bathroom, talking to other friends. He and I left the picnic to go to a pub. then seemingly out of nowhere, he started to tell me that when we first met I was really coming on to him. He couldn't get rid of me, what an insult. The feeling that I was left with was that, well, he must have options.

Of course, he was texting with his so called friend that day. That mush have emboldened him.

I hope you will share with us the messages matched up what was going on between you and him.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Ok here is the nitty gritty

About 7 weeks after we met

Her* How are you?

Him I'm good, how are you?

Her I'm ok life is a bit crazy but other than that its life*

Him I'm sorry to hear it's been crazy.* How's work?

Her same ole same ole

Him Oh I remember the same ole same ole

Her How is life treating you?

Him Great I met an amazing woman!**

Her Really? Do tell

Him She's simply amazing! She's a professional,* smart, beautiful,* and I think she is in love with me. A perfect combo! I havent told her yet but I'm definitely in love with her.

Her Wow! I'm happy for you. I didn't know you were looking*

Him I wasn't but took a chance at online dating and I met her*

Her How perfect could she be if she's online dating?

Him Well I guess as perfect as me since I was online dating

Her Well you know what I mean*

He doesn't respond*

The next year is check ins every 6-8 weeks and not worth mentioning. She usually asks about me in one way, shape or form and he always is complimentary*

Her So are you still in that relationship?

Him yes I am

Her Things for me haven't been great. You remember how my husband is, nothing ever changes

Him I'm sorry to hear that*

Her Can we talk?

Him Sure, what's up?

Her Can you just listen when I need you to?

Him I can do my best*

Her I just need you because you've always been such a good listener*

Him Thank you. I can try to be a good listener

Her Are you happy?

Him Yes, why?*

Her Just wondering*

Him Are you happy?

Her No. No not at all

Him I'm sorry to hear that. What can you do to make yourself happy?

Her Want me to tell you?

Him Yes if you'd like*

Her Steal you and have you all to myself*

Him I'm truly sorry but I am very happy and in love with my gf

Her I'm just joking! I was just playing around*

Him Oh ok*

Her No, I'm not. That was defense mode. I meant what I said but I'm embarrassed to admit that to you

Him It's ok I understand*

Her You do?*

Him I do understand*

Her Could we maybe have coffee or lunch?

Him I don't think that's a good idea

Her Why? We are friends. Is your girlfriend really that jealous??????

Him Actually no she isn't but I don't think she would like that

Her She wouldn't want you having lunch with a friend?????

Him No, not with a female friend.* She doesn't even know that we talk

Her She doesn't need to. We aren't doing anything wrong just 2 people having friendly conversation*

Her Are you there?

Her I hope everything is ok with you. I miss talking to you

Her Did I do something?

Him Hey, no just really busy at work

Her Do you get an hour for lunch?

Him Yes

Her Want to meet for lunch?

Him I don't think that would be a good idea. I cant do that. I was being honest when I said I was happy and I love my gf

Her I know but lunch is not a crime

Her I can't stop thinking about you*

Him I understand I really do. I know it's a struggle and I'm sorry

Her Does that mean you are thinking of me?

Him I just mean I understand what you're saying

Her I know you're happy and I should walk away but I can't. I have had a crush on you since the first day I met you. Do you remember that day? OMG I remember everything about it.* I also remember how good you smelled*

Him Yes I remember.* It was a very long time ago*

Her And yet we still stay in touch*

Him Yes we do*

Her That makes me happy

No response from him*

A couple of days later*

Her How are things with you?

Him I'm good thank you. Hope you're doing well

Her I could be better*

Him I'm sorry

Her You could make it better if you had lunch with me. I need a friend right now.*

Him I would be happy to talk to you but I cant have lunch

Her I will wear you down and you will!

No response from him*

A few days later*

Her Hope I didn't scare you away

Him No you didn't

A bunch of work talk*


Then the conversation that I've already posted.*


Her I hope you made it home safe from your trip

Him I did thanks*

Her Thinking about you all the time 

Him I don't know how to respond to that

Her You respond I've been thinking about you too

Him I am truly sorry that I don't feel the same as you. I really don't want to hurt you but I really am happy in my relationship*

Her Then why are you still talking to me?

Him I don't know*

Her I think I know but you just don't want to admit it

No response from him


Her Hope everything is ok

Her I wish I didn't feel the way I do but I can't help it. I just cant get over you

Him I'm truly sorry

Her I know that the only way I will ever be happy is if you are in my life at least in some capacity*

No response from him*


Her You ok?

Her You want to talk?

I received the text and no more emails from him

Her emails the last couple of weeks
Her So unlike you not to answer I hope you're ok

Her I hope nothing has happened between you and your gf

Her I'm here if you want to talk

Her Are you and your gf ok?

Her Just know that I'm thinking of you I'll be here when you're ready to talk

Thoughts?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s certainly a very pushy “person” But he should have shut that down immediately.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Openminded said:


> She’s certainly a very pushy “person” But he should have shut that down immediately.


Agreed

Never any doubt about how she felt about him


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Her Then why are you still talking to me?

Him I don't know*

Her I think I know but you just don't want to admit it"

Even she thinks he's being coy.

This guy reminds me of my BIL. He so wants to be seen as Mr.NiceGuy that he puts everything and everyone ahead of his wife. Insecurities.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "Her Then why are you still talking to me?
> 
> Him I don't know*
> 
> ...


I'd ask if your BIL is my ex but you said wife, not ex wife.

Same thing.....wanted so badly to be seen as a nice guy with a perfect image that everyone came before me.

Extremely insecure.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow is she ever pushy! Wtf! And I think the thing that kills me the most, is that she’s married, and never seems to have a single concern about what her husband would think about her having lunch with another man! The only thing she ever mentions is the girlfriend. Your boyfriend was very much being a Mr. nice guy, andshould have blocked her after that crap. So he gets mixed reviews from me… Points for not giving in, and stressing how much he loves you… But also points taken away for not cutting her off immediately. 

She’s a slimy pos skank. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Like I previously said: there are a lot of people in this world that don't know how to react and they just freeze in embarrassment, and act just nice.

It is like when somebody dies and these kind of people can't said a word to the bereaved out sheer embarrassment, and at the end they don't say anything, sad.

You should make it clear to him that he needs to man up and demonstrate that he has balls for a reason, and tell her off if she ever contact him at all in any other way, since supposedly he has her blocked. 
He should let her husband know about what kind of a wife he has.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's pushy, definitely, but she's also 'off.' It's completely clear that he didn't reciprocate - at all - and is unclear why he didn't just ghost her. She's unbalanced and he probably felt like he had to handle her carefully. He didn't manage it at all. She blew up his life with the woman he says he's in love with.

I'll be honest that the texts/emails make me want to say that you should give him a chance. His crime was that he handled an imbalanced person the wrong way.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also find he is weak in the way of being direct and solid.Or just maybe she was his plan B, married or not. He played it safe and that's the disgusting part of the whole thing. I couldn't trust this. Why? For all the reasons l said before.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I'm departing a little bit from the crowd here. 

Given the extended text exchange you have posted, it seems to me that he did NOT cheat on you physically, nor would I really call this an emotional affair either. In my book, for things to reach an "emotional affair" level there should be signs that an emotional connection is forming and that EMOTIONAL intimacy is being fostered which should be the exclusive domain of the spouse/significant other (things like revealing deep concerns, emotions, fears, highs and lows, etc.). These are the things that create a bond between two people. The emotional intimacy usually reserved for the spouse is transferred to another person.

I don't really see much of a bond being formed here. Clearly, your boyfriend isn't good at shutting things down; he seems to be like the typical female who has one or more "orbiters" hanging around that she insists are "just friends" but the orbiter is secretly hoping for more. That's a VERY common scenario with females; this seems to be the gender reversed case. 

It shows that he doesn't have a good sense of boundaries/convictions to enforce the boundaries. He kind of knows he shouldn't be doing this, but he doesn't seem very skilled (or even motivated) at shutting it down. Maybe on some level he kind of likes the attention. 

So, on the one hand, I DON'T think that, as a sin of commission, this qualifies as an absolute "crossing of the line/destruction of the relationship" type of thing--THIS TIME. However, as a marker of his ability to hold and enforce boundaries, this may be a deal-killer. His "nice guy" personality seems too reluctant to shut it down altogether, and he doesn't take the next step of telling you what is going on to help strengthen his resolve. As a result, I think he could become vulnerable to a similar situation in the future, or even have one that progresses further down the rabbit hole. I'd be afraid this personality tendency could be too ingrained in him to ever change. Thus, you'd spend the rest of your life being "policeman" to his "nice guy/weak boundaries" personality. 

So you have to ask yourself. Is this what you want for your future?

Dating is the time to shop around for a life partner. Don't you think you could do better?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband was one who didn’t shut down women who were obviously interested in him. My guess is that he enjoyed the attention plus he was very much a Nice Guy. Our marriage ended because one of those “friendships” eventually went too far and I found out. Did he regret not shutting it down? Absolutely — when it was too late. 

People with weak boundaries are a risk. Could your bf have learned from this? Certainly. Will he be able to shut it if something similar happens? That’s always the question.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> The next year is check ins every 6-8 weeks and not worth mentioning. She usually asks about me in one way, shape or form and he always is complimentary*


I noticed that about my husband's ex friend, always asking about me, generally and specifically. 

My ex husband would actually frame these inquiries as a sign that she must like me since she's asking about me. Of course, my parents are that naive ........... or that deceptive.

It was only later in life that I realize how much material you can give a person in a normal conversation. I've finally learned to say, yes, I'm fine. How about you?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow is she ever pushy! Wtf! And I think the thing that kills me the most, is that she’s married, and never seems to have a single concern about what her husband would think about her having lunch with another man! The only thing she ever mentions is the girlfriend. Your boyfriend was very much being a Mr. nice guy, andshould have blocked her after that crap. So he gets mixed reviews from me… Points for not giving in, and stressing how much he loves you… But also points taken away for not cutting her off immediately.
> 
> She’s a slimy pos skank.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He definitely should have. I don't know why there was any question about what the right thing was to do. 
She definitely is a POS!

Thank you!


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> It's pushy, definitely, but she's also 'off.' It's completely clear that he didn't reciprocate - at all - and is unclear why he didn't just ghost her. She's unbalanced and he probably felt like he had to handle her carefully. He didn't manage it at all. She blew up his life with the woman he says he's in love with.
> 
> I'll be honest that the texts/emails make me want to say that you should give him a chance. His crime was that he handled an imbalanced person the wrong way.


Yes, very true and he lied. That's why after reading this I don't understand why he did except that he knew he should not be talking to her especially after she was very clear about how she felt.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I'm departing a little bit from the crowd here.
> 
> Given the extended text exchange you have posted, it seems to me that he did NOT cheat on you physically, nor would I really call this an emotional affair either. In my book, for things to reach an "emotional affair" level there should be signs that an emotional connection is forming and that EMOTIONAL intimacy is being fostered which should be the exclusive domain of the spouse/significant other (things like revealing deep concerns, emotions, fears, highs and lows, etc.). These are the things that create a bond between two people. The emotional intimacy usually reserved for the spouse is transferred to another person.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking the time to go into such detail. I truly to appreciate it. 

I think you're right in that this comes down to boundaries. He definitely has boundary issues. I also believe that if I hadn't gotten that text he would probably still be talking to her. That realization really bothers me. This situation has certainly made me look extensively at other parts of him and our relationship. 

It bothers me that he tells her that I don't even know that they are talking. He KNOWS he is hiding it and she knows he's hiding it. Wouldn't that have made you go "Oh wait that doesn't seem like the right thing to be doing". 

I am reading about boundaries and those that struggle with them. I need to see if this is something much more complicated and deeper than this situation.

Thank you again!


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

I found her husbands profile on Facebook and sent him a message telling him I had information about his wife that I would like to share with him. I asked him for his email address and he immediately replied "Interesting...please share with me" and gave me his email address. 

I sent ALL of it to him


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nicknacksnack said:


> I found her husbands profile on Facebook and sent him a message telling him I had information about his wife that I would like to share with him. I asked him for his email address and he immediately replied "Interesting...please share with me" and gave me his email address.
> 
> I sent ALL of it to him


She had it coming. She underestimated you when she messaged you. ("anonymously" of course)


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "Her Then why are you still talking to me?
> 
> Him I don't know*
> 
> ...


Yup...fosters resentment


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> She had it coming. She underestimated you when she messaged you. ("anonymously" of course)


Yes she did. I also did not tell my boyfriend that I sent it to him. 

It was also very telling that in the last couple of weeks she asks him twice if everything is ok with me and him. Almost like she thinks it might not be. Very telling.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you. That was the right thing to do. Her husband definitely needs to know. Yes, I think your bf would have continued on if you hadn’t found out. Him telling her that you didn’t know they were in contact sent her a message that they had a secret and that maybe she had a shot. These things often don’t start bad but they certainly can end bad. My long marriage was a casualty of just such a situation.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

nicknacksnack said:


> I found her husbands profile on Facebook and sent him a message telling him I had information about his wife that I would like to share with him. I asked him for his email address and he immediately replied "Interesting...please share with me" and gave me his email address.
> 
> I sent ALL of it to him


Good for you. You did him a service.

What I read from her texts was stalkerish. Your BF lied about the contact, but I think he was trying to manage her in the hopes that she would just go away. If I had someone after me the way she was I would treat it very gingerly, afraid she would do something even crazier.

He should have told you. He should have brought you in so that the two of you could deal with it as a united front. He shouldn't have kept it hidden.

It's up to you what you do at this point, of course. If it were me, I would likely take it as a lesson on honesty and boundaries for him and try to reconcile the relationship. Just me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Interesting how both my ex husband and my mother always pull the "I just couldn't be rude" routine when they continue to interact with people who are rude or have hurt in some way.

My mother suggested that I organize a graduation party for myself. She never told me that she was inviting the one professor I told her I had problems with ...... he promised a reference for a summer programs and then didn't do it. On the many visits to the uni --she's an alumna -- I had introduced them. She told me she just couldn't rude. How would he have known that i was having a party anyway?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Good for you. That was the right thing to do. Her husband definitely needs to know.


Absolutely he does! Because he as "husband" is not even a blip on her radar!


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

So he followed up with a bunch of questions and clarification. I told him about the anonymous text I received and he said this sounded exactly like something his wife would do.

He is a bit shocked as he was under the impression that they were very happy and had a good marriage. He said up until now he had no idea. 

He also said that he had her laptop and was currently running through her laptop for other emails and had access to her iCloud and would be checking that to see if there is anything suspicious. He said he would let me know if he found anything further from my boyfriend, etc. 

He was very appreciative that I reached out to him. Sounds like from what he's saying this may be a deal breaker for him 

Thanks to all of you for the nudge to do that!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Good job nicknacksnack!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Good thing that you came here Nicknack. Most other message boards would have told you to mind your business.

Of course, usually someone who says that does quite the opposite.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> So he followed up with a bunch of questions and clarification. I told him about the anonymous text I received and he said this sounded exactly like something his wife would do.
> 
> He is a bit shocked as he was under the impression that they were very happy and had a good marriage. He said up until now he had no idea.
> 
> ...


You did the right thing.
I'll bet $100 this ain't the first guy shes hit up.
A betting man would say she's laid down with someone else other than her husband. She's talks like a veteran. 
After reading through the emails 3 times I would not be so quick to trash it all, .....That being said he's not innocent.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> Good thing that you came here Nicknack. Most other message boards would have told you to mind your business.
> 
> Of course, usually someone who says that does quite the opposite.


I really am too! I have gotten such good advice and I would not have thought about half as much as I've been told. He deserved to know


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > So he followed up with a bunch of questions and clarification. I told him about the anonymous text I received and he said this sounded exactly like something his wife would do.
> ...


You're right. While he did a lot of things right, he did a lot of things wrong. He lied and I cant ignore that. He also carried on conversations with her for over 2 years and hid it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nicknacksnack said:


> You're right. While he did a lot of things right, he did a lot of things wrong. He lied and I cant ignore that. He also carried on conversations with her for over 2 years and hid it.


Right, this. And how would he feel if the tables were turned and YOU had been having secret conversations with another man, for YEARS, who clearly had feelings for you and hit on you constantly? Pretty sure that would go over with a big ol THUD...


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Her husband has been burning up my email. 

Apparently there were texts between them and he sent me those. Nothing anymore incriminating than what I've already seen. BUT, they definitely started emailing to hide the fact that they were communicating. Not good

So far he seems to be the only one that she latched on to. 

He said she has a lot of selfies and some with cleavage etc. She also has Audio files in her Notes section that basically consist of her saying how much she wants "someone" (no name is used) and how hot and sexy he is.

She also has screenshots of my FB and the few pics that I had that are Public and of course my profile pic which is me and my boyfriend and I'm cropped out

When I found her on FB after I looked at her I blocked her


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > You're right. While he did a lot of things right, he did a lot of things wrong. He lied and I cant ignore that. He also carried on conversations with her for over 2 years and hid it.
> ...


Exactly! That breaks my heart that he could even do that to me. I have always been very transparent and if any man has ever shown me attention or made a side comment I have told him, not to get a reaction, but to simply be honest and forthcoming. Unfortunately, he did not afford me the same respect


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

nicknacksnack said:


> Her husband has been burning up my email.
> 
> Apparently there were texts between them and he sent me those. Nothing anymore incriminating than what I've already seen. BUT, they definitely started emailing to hide the fact that they were communicating. Not good
> 
> ...


OMG!! Full blown stalker psycho!! 

Were those selfies sent to your bf? Can I just say her husband rocks? I hope he puts her out on her ass.


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> nicknacksnack said:
> 
> 
> > Her husband has been burning up my email.
> ...


He sent me screenshots of the text and I dont see any pics between them. 

He sent me a few of the pics and they are definitely a bit over the top. He said he definitely never got any of them 

Did I mention that she and I favor each other A LOT? Sigh

He is taking screenshots of everything!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your bf obviously has a type. Which one of you did he meet first?


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## nicknacksnack (Oct 4, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Your bf obviously has a type. Which one of you did he meet first?


He met her first. Almost 3 years before he met me


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It will be interesting to see how your boyfriend reacts to you contacting the husband. If he knows about the contact ( without you telling him) then it’s obvious that he’s still in messaging with her in some way. 
Look for any signs from your boyfriend that he knows about you contacting her husband. If he is in any way angry or tries to defend her then you know he has feelings for her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

nicknacksnack said:


> You're right. While he did a lot of things right, he did a lot of things wrong. He lied and I cant ignore that. He also carried on conversations with her for over 2 years and hid it.


Really 2 yrs hid it and you will want him around. Well guess what the so called friend will be divorce and you need to watch as she comes for your bf. 

Added: Unless you stand tall and don't eat his crap lines and promises. Leave it at the curb. Go on with your life for goodness sake. Think of your children.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

nicknacksnack said:


> Her husband has been burning up my email.
> 
> Apparently there were texts between them and he sent me those. Nothing anymore incriminating than what I've already seen. BUT, they definitely started emailing to hide the fact that they were communicating. Not good
> 
> ...


Send the husband here....He needs a 2x4!


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