# ladies need advice on sensitive sexual issue with my wife



## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

I am trying to find relief or understanding about my self and wifes sex life so that i can somehow feel more comfortable because this is tearing at my core,
My wife says she never has liked sex and doesn't want it, this issue has been here for two years and i can't seem to get resolution to the problem because she goes into screaming defensive mode and bashes me hard because she feels that bringing up the matter is putting her down, i do not push that often i have waited it out to see if it would get better but it hasn't. she says she has no libido, it is like a burning hot poker, the pain she has feels equivilant to kicking me in the testicles, so we don't do it.
I love her, desire her, and am trying desperatly to control the want to be close to her like that because i always am rejected which is taking a toll on me mentally. Sex is not everything at all i know, but i want to be intimate with her, she has been to the doctor in regards to that and they say there isn't anything wrong except she has a tilted uterous and that was a long time ago. She also at times says she has a chemical imbalance due to stress we had incured over a year ago.
How do i feel better? she loves me and has said so but she is not the mushy type so i can't expect anything until she wants it which this year has been 3 times.
About me, i clean, cook, work, take our child to the bus and pick her up everyday, bathe her, feed her, i show my love to my wife with baths, love notes occassionaly, flowers, listening, etc. i truly have worked hard at being a good husband, so we have talked about, during her anger, alternative intimacy such as oral or just touching and she supposedly said ok but again, when she is in the mood which could be next year for all i know.
Really hard on me and for some reason i can not take my focus off of this issue because it is unresolved, any advice would be appreciated.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like she needs to go to a doctor before you can work on anything. Meds and counseling....
first.

After that, she may get better.

Maybe not a bad idea for you to go to ind. conuseling too


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Was your wife ever raped?

her stating that it feels like a painful hot poker makes me wonder if she is dealing with an emotional issue.


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## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

Purple,

I will tell you that I have a tilted uterus as well. There have been times where the pain was SOOOOO bad that I couldn't stop crying. When I SAY PAIN - It is like the inside being torn to shreds. That's how bad it hurts. 

Now, I have come to realize the following 1) It only happens at certain times of the month 2) that I tend to shy away from sex because the pain is so unbearable 3) There are positions to avoid when it hurts (sometimes this doesnt even help though) 4) My husband resents me for it

I haven't quite figured out what times of the month cause the most pain so I am always afraid when he wants to have sex. I am not sure how much it is going to hurt or if it will be the kind that feels really good. It's always an uneasy feeling not knowing. 

I hope this helps you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if there is a legitimate medical issue i would most certainly be sypathetic to that, but she has to get help for it and both of you need to gain an understanding what it is and how it affects her. shutting sex down really shouldn't be the only solution


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

no never raped however there has been sex issues in the past i.e. my daughter was molested a couple years ago, and she had inappropriate touching issues with a cousin when she was young, she said she has always not liked sex and resents her parents for allowing her to date at such a young age. I hate that this issue comes up alot with people and myself because you think it would be a beautiful thing between two people, but i have understood her issues and have been patient and understanding as much as one could be, but being rejected on the very few times i have tried and the anger that seems to come out from me trying, hurts.
She is one to deal with issues herself, she went to a councelor and dropped them. Other than that issue I feel we have a great relationship she just throws VERY big stones in a defensive manner when i try and work out this issue with her. She feels it is to benefit me because she has no need or want for it.
I was kind of hoping someone had went through or felt similiarly to what i had described my wife was going through, and wondered if there is another approach or something that i should be doing that i am not, to open her up a little to this. She did say in a large roar, in between screaming, that she knows that i have been patient, so i kind of am feeling that maybe she feels guilty for not being intimate in that way, and that when i bring it up i am somehow as she puts it "putting her down" just by bringing it up.
i approach it as how wonderful she is, how i love her, and would like to address the issue and never through at least my lips mean to degrade or make her feel less although as i said just bringing up the issue may make her feel inadequate and that is not at all my intentions.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Marriage without sex is not really marriage. you can have a roommate or friend and not have sex, so why be married? 

If the stakes are high, she MAY decide to get the help she needs. But you need to figure out what YOU want--are you willing to go to the wall on this and make it clear that the stakes ARE high? Do not issue an ultimatum unless you mean to follow through--nothing could be a bigger waste of time and energy. But if or when you feel this type of marriage will not continue to work for you, tell her. If you leave it too long, you might not be willing to work on things with her-and you will probably be tempted to cheat, thinking it is the perfect solution--sex on the side, and you still have your wife and family. It is not. Sex and love belong together for a married person. Good luck.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

My question is - WHY would you marry someone who does not like sex..and then have a problem with it when she tells you she does not like sex? What were you thinking? You would change her mind? Be more satisfying then any other? Let her see you with another woman - I did not say have an affair. Just let her see that another women may find your company enticing. See if that gets her juices boiling.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

A tilted uterus can be extremely painful, no wonder she doesn't want to have sex! She might have to have surgery to get to that point where intercourse is tolerable, even pleasurable. 

To me, it sounds like she gets so mad because she is just so frustrated. A basic human function is next to impossible to her, not only can she not enjoy is, it's excruciating. Denying she ever liked it to begin with is a way to cope. Can't miss something that you never liked right? Well, she probably does. 

The suggestion that you should "be seen" with other women as a way to get her to want to have sex with you is about the worst thing I think you could do. The only result that will get is hurting her. 

Does your wife enjoy oral sex at all?


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

Nightshade thanks for the "positive" input, it seems to hurt afterwards but we have discussed that and are going to try that route. Funny to me how most people want to play games and say SEX or i'm out, or cheat! or other non intelligent suggestions, no offense. I am religious and i married my wife because i love her and will spend the rest of my days with her, changing people is not like changing cars, with that mentality we will never truly feel the type of love that people who have been married 40 plus years feel.
I just needed advice as to how to communicate with her about this issue and some of you gave great advice. It is a touchy issue as i think nightshade has touched upon and i was wondering how in a "loving" manner i could approach this subject so as not to set off her defensive mode.


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