# I kicked him out



## Destroyed712 (Mar 13, 2012)

After I typed up our long cheating history yesterday, I went through this forum for hours reading. Somethings pissed me off others made me cry.

I ended up texting my husband and telling him he is no longer welcome in my home. 

He stayed in a hotel, I confirmed on my bank account. He has nothing other then his military uniform he wore to work yesterday. 

I do not think he'd have someone in his room. This place is very small (600 people between soldiers, civi's and depts) He know's he'd be blown in. Plus I dont suspect him cheating since we've been here. I think it was strictly a deployment thing. 

But I needed some time to gather my composure. Is it bad that I felt GREAT last night without him here. I thought about it less? I slept well without my nightmare medicine. Woke up on time to get the kids to school without feeling still tired. I felt like a new woman. 

For the last 9 years of marriage i've felt guilty doing anything for myself and after talking to a really good friend last night she said to me "When you start feeling guilty doing things for yourself, that's the point you've stopped caring about you!" So today for the first time in my entire life, I am gong to go get my hair professionally done. 

There was a part of me that wanted to tell him to come home. But I stood my ground. There was guilt on my part for making him go. 

I thought that him being alone, in a quite environment would maybe trigger him to act. And he did text me saying he went and got a notebook and had been writing for hours. 

When do I let him come back? What do I say? I think another night apart will do us well. Because I like feeling this amazing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I went back and read your first post so now I know about your situation.

If you want to let him back, you do it only after he has agreed to do things like work on your marriage, engage in 100% transparency, answer all of your questions. 

He has to write her a no-contact letter that tells her that he their affair was a terrible thing he did to you. That he loves you and is staying with you to work on his marriage. And he does not want any further contact from her. He gives the letter to you and YOU mail it to her. 

If you know who her husband is you tell him about the affair. You said that her husband already knows about the affair? Does he know about all the other guys as well?

Only after he agrees do you accept him back in the house. If he says no, then you file for divorce. Let him know that you are playing for keeps. You are no longer going to be the cheated on wife who he and his lover push around.

By the way, that woman is a piece of work.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I agree with EG


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## Destroyed712 (Mar 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I went back and read your first post so now I know about your situation.
> 
> If you want to let him back, you do it only after he has agreed to do things like work on your marriage, engage in 100% transparency, answer all of your questions.
> 
> ...


I think when I first told my 'story' I wasn't including everything as i was really really angry and Just getting it out that he cheated and all the negatives. 

He did not write a No contact letter, but he did call her. On speaker. Told her that she was the worst mistake of his life. She ruined his life and took advantage of him and me. He ended all contact with her for sure, he has no problem with me going in emails, texts etc. He doesn't use the computer, he is not on social networking. She is deployed again and we have since changed stations. 


Her husband knows about every single guy. When I first contacted him to tell him about them, he denied it. He stuck up for her. He was also a soldier, deployed with them. F-ed up! He was trying to save her career as he later expressed to me. He stuck up for her. He was blind. He was mad at me. That's okay, I am fine with that. Since then, they have filed for separation and she is openly 'seeing' another one of the guys she was sleeping with in Iraq, who also had a wife and kids at home. 

My husband has cried more tears then I can count. He says he is sorry. It got to the point he was crying so bad he gave himself bloody noses. He was laying on the garage floor just limp. He has never given me an anniversary card. EVER. One day he hands me one. I open it. then he hands me another. and so on.. for 9 cards. Each with something different written in them. To make up for each anniversary where he didn't get me one. He began to write me a letter last night at his hotel stay. I went and got in touch with myself today, chopped my hair off, went a new color. I smiled all day. I swung by his office randomly. He wanted a hug. I felt nothing when hugging him. He gave me the 14 page letter, that is just a start. Where he accepts blame, says i spoiled him, he took me for granted etc. How he loves us, we are everything, he doesn't understand how or why he could do this to someone who means everything to him. And more of course. 

Now, I see these things. Do these things mean he is actually trying? Maybe. You all might see this as a sign of yes he is. and i understand that!

I however see it as BS. I am so hurt and angry I refuse to see it any differently at this point. I know this is within myself. I have to deal with that. 

I don't think he deserves to see a tear, he isn't worthy of my tears. I have the fear of letting him back in just to do it all over again. He swears he will never. My thoughts are once a cheater always a cheater. 

I'm not being opened minded right now. I'm withdrawn, im holding back. I am just hurt and sad. 

My marriage I once thought was.. is no longer. I don't have the husband i once had. Can it be better? Can it be worse? I am trying to factor everything in and really think things through clearly before making any decisions. 

I never thought I'd be pouring my heart out to a million strangers around the world, but damn does it ever feel good!

BTW I came home to a bouquet of flowers at my door with an apology card as well that he delivered sometime while I was out today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes those things mean that he is trying, trying to work on recovery and trying to make it up to you.
If you want your marriage, you have to make it safe for him to do this. I completely understand your feelings, but you have to make it safe for him to work on the marriage, to be honest with his feelings and for him to be honest with you on what he did in the past and what he is doing in the present.

It is not true that once a cheater always a cheater. From what I have seen and read, most cheaters are not serial cheaters. The cheating is related to one particular time in their life and once it all comes out they do not repeat. 

Many couples say that their marriage is very different than before and better. 

At this point I encourage you to give him and your marriage a chance. Do not slip back into who you were before. You are now a much different woman and growing into a much stronger one.

If he ever repeats, that’s it. That is the end. One chance is all a person gets, IMHO.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

don't forget to expose to the OW's husband and her CO


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband was making promises and shedding tears the day after I kicked him out but I couldn't stand to see him. We were separated for over 5 months and I didn't even see him in person for over 2 months.

The marriage you had is over. Whether you can forge a new one depends not only on whether you are willing, but what he will do to prove over and over and over that he is truly remorseful.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree with Elegirl completely. I must caution you to give yourself time to absorb everything and let it all settle. There is no reason to rush anything, just think it all out, decide what you truly want, and realize some days will be more emotional than others. 

My H cheated, and we have managed to build a great post affair marriage. But it certainly is not for everyone, and some people just can not do it. I don't blame them, it is truly a life changing and painful thing. But it is possible. 

Have you sat down and thought about what you need from him in order to "try" to stay in the marriage?


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## Destroyed712 (Mar 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> don't forget to expose to the OW's husband and her CO


Thats the thing. She HAS been exposed. And she is proud of what she has done. I made my husband himself call his grandmother who thinks highly of him and tell her. And my dad. I'm a daddy's girl. My dad wanted to kill him. 

The entire army company knew. They didn't give a sh!t. She brags. I am at a loss. Every single person knows. 



Hope1964 said:


> My husband was making promises and shedding tears the day after I kicked him out but I couldn't stand to see him. We were separated for over 5 months and I didn't even see him in person for over 2 months.
> 
> The marriage you had is over. Whether you can forge a new one depends not only on whether you are willing, but what he will do to prove over and over and over that he is truly remorseful.



My husband was crying and all this before i kicked him out. This isn't really new. I am stubborn. I have my guard up so he can go to hell right now. 

I really have to sit down with myself and get deep inside to figure out what i need/ want/ have to do. No one can decide besides me.


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## Destroyed712 (Mar 13, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I agree with Elegirl completely. I must caution you to give yourself time to absorb everything and let it all settle. There is no reason to rush anything, just think it all out, decide what you truly want, and realize some days will be more emotional than others.
> 
> My H cheated, and we have managed to build a great post affair marriage. But it certainly is not for everyone, and some people just can not do it. I don't blame them, it is truly a life changing and painful thing. But it is possible.
> 
> Have you sat down and thought about what you need from him in order to "try" to stay in the marriage?



Congrats on being strong enough to stay! As I stated above I really need to get in touch with me to figure it out as I am the only one who can. 

I have sat down and tell him. He has heard every single thing you can imagine. He says he agrees, he will do anything to keep our family, anything to stay married. Even said he would get out of the army, become a stay at home dad so I could pursue my career. Give up his car, cell phone. Basically live a ****ty life. So, yes he agrees that he doesn't deserve **** but If certain things were actually put into play, don't you think he'd be miserable causing him to stay again? And if i hear "I don't know" one more time Im going to freak.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if the CO ignored the exposure then you go up a rung in the ladder and ask his CO why he ignored disciplining a blatant policy offense

if that doesn't work you write your congressman


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Destroyed, seems to me that you are behaving in a very normal and positive way. The emotional lift that you feel comes from having found direction and set out upon it. Whether you take him back or not will be your decision. This is your call. If you decide to allow him to come back, please see an MC to help with these issues. The old "forest for the trees" adage really applies here.


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