# Would you do this? See any harm in it?



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm currently in the process of getting a divorce from my W because of her EA and the mistakes we both made dealing with it. I still get flashes of anger about I've pretty much been able to completely separate myself emotionally from her or anything that she does. For the past month we have pretty much only been in contact for matters pertaining to the divorce, but there is the occasional brief joking or recently a "Merry Christmas". But I've pretty much kept to a NC unless necessary policy.

With that said, I picked up the "no more mr. nice guy" book and started reading it on the basis of "it can't hurt" After 2 chapters I find myself wondering "do I really fit these examples?" and questioning if there's I stand to gain much from it.

My stbxw can probably answer "do I fit these examples" better than I, or anybody else can. Since we're still on civil terms, I thought about sending her the first couple of sections and getting her opinion. Whether she would or wouldn't provide this insight, is there any harm in asking?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does the book suggest that you have your spouse read the book and give you feedback?

Take a look at yourself closely. Do you do the things the book is talking about? Surely you don't need some one else to tell you.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Since we don't have kids, or really anything else that would warrant contact, I planned on following through with a complete "goodbye, have a nice life" NC once the divorce is final. Until then, I thought It couldn't hurt to try to get something from her that's solely for personal benefit.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I wouldn't ask my husband to answer things about me during this time. I wouldn't expect the truth. But I've learned that with cheaters, you should never expect the truth. We are on "civil" terms, I guess you could call it. We don't speak with eachother other than to do visitation with our daughter. And even that, I refuse to answer anything he may ask if it doesn't concern our daughter.

I guess its up to you. Personally, you need to answer those questions for yourself, not leave it up to someone else to do it for you. You know yourself better than your stbx does. Believe me.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Does the book suggest that you have your spouse read the book and give you feedback?


The book suggests to do it with a spouse, but I'm quite sure they mean that as a way to improve the marriage. However they do suggest to find "safe" people to work with. I interpret that to mean somebody you think is able to provide you with insight you might find valuable.



EleGirl said:


> Take a look at yourself closely. Do you do the things the book is talking about? Surely you don't need some one else to tell you.


Yes I do some of the things the book talks about, but I'm not entirely convinced I'm the type of "nice guy" they talk about, and second opinions never hurt anybody. 

Yes I do need someone else to tell me if there's something wrong with the way I am with the opposite sex, I'm not a mind reader. The only time she spoke of how I was, was during the EA, which makes them more than likely exaggerations or false accusations. So I really don't have much insight to the truth, and self-reflecting only takes me so far since I'm subject to my own paradigm. I thought there might be a chance she could be more insightful since its over with anyways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ex, or soon-to-be ex's are not necessarily the best source for evaluation of one's behavior. It might be good to ask her. Perhaps you could try just one small topic and see how it goes. She might interpret is as just a way to open up the lines to get her back.

How about asking others you know, like other family?


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

It would just be sending her the list of examples they have and asking "do you think I fit any of these examples?" mainly just to get her opinion. I guess I'm looking for a yes/no overall or a yes/no to each individual example that's specific to how "nice guys" are with the opposite sex. I've already done this myself, but sometimes I'm overly critical of myself cause its better to be safe than sorry. I guess maybe I'd just want to compare her yes/no answers to mine just to see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

try it.. don't think it can hurt. Just do not expect anything from her. If she answers... that's a bonus. If her answers are sincere it's a bigger bonus.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I asked her, told her what I was looking for. She said sure, I e-mailed it, she filled it out and e-mailed it back 2 minutes later. She even offered to look at it again tomorrow and elaborate on some of the answers. I said that's fine with me if she wanted to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Santofimio said:


> I asked her, told her what I was looking for. She said sure, I e-mailed it, she filled it out and e-mailed it back 2 minutes later. She even offered to look at it again tomorrow and elaborate on some of the answers. I said that's fine with me if she wanted to.


Good going~


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