# New member and exhausted. Need advice.



## Uxdr (Oct 19, 2015)

First post for me. Seems weird to reach out to strangers for advice, but I'm exhausted and could use some advice and support.
I'm 26, married for 3 years. Been together for 7.

It appears he has no self motivation anymore and it didn't use to be this way. I have to encourage and push him to do almost everything. I try my best to be positive when I ask him several several times to fix something in the house, help with simple chores, ect. When he does take the steps to do things, it takes him forever to complete it. It's been 4+ weeks now and our shower still sits unused because he needs to seal the corners. A task that is simple and can be done in one night.

I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me. Then when I don't ask for help and just do it myself (I am a handy woman) he gets upset because I fixed something and now he "doesn't know what's going on" in his own house. And this my friends, is causing me to become angry and tired. We have fought over this for years. It gets better for a few weeks, then its back to the same "yeah i know" response with nothing being done. I do take into consideration his work schedule and work load when I ask these things. He has time to do these things, but always finds other things to do instead... or just does nothing at all. 

I feel like I have to do everything or nothing will get done. I do all the house keeping, cooking, grocery shopping, house finances and take care of our pets. I do everything (except mow the lawn) on top of my stressful full time job. I'm a go getter. Getting things done makes me feel good and accomplished, but I'm so tired. I ask for help and get little to none. Sometimes I get so angry I just want to leave or make him leave. It's like I live alone sometimes.

I don't know how to motivate him anymore. Our sex life is fine, although I'm more interested in sex than he is. I also don't think sex should be a motivator to help me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband?

How do the two of you get along otherwise? How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just to two of you doing date-like things?

Did your husband used to be more enthused about doing things like chores, cooking, fixing things in the house, etc.?

One thing you can do it so stop doing things for him. For example do not do his laundry if you do it now. At least that's one job off your plate. If you can think of anything else that you do not him, stop doing it.

Your marriage is on the verge of serious trouble. As the resentment builds, a huge wedge will develop between the two of you that will most likely destroy your marriage. So you need to address this now as though your marriage depends on it. That means that you sit him down and tell him clearly what the problem is and what you need from him.

There are two books that I think can help you put this discussion together: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read them, have the talk. Tell him that you need for him to read through the books with you and do the work that they say to do.

If he refuses or does not follow through, then I think you need to push very hard for marriage counseling.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

I completely understand how you feel, my husband works but when he comes home he is off work! I work, take care of kids, house, and I yes mow the lawn. I have also tried to not do his laundry. problem with that is he will throw it in the washer and leave in dryer or make a huge messing the laundry room. I wish I had some advice for you, I hope things get better and I hope some one is able to help you out. Don't feel weird seeking out on this page. I am very new and going through a very hard time and everyone has given such great and helpful advice. We all need someone some time in our lives.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Uxdr, he will not change unless he wants to.*

^^ Repeat that to yourself 10 times.

You're young and clearly self-sufficient. You seem to be a real "do-er." Unfortunately, you're with a man that would rather take his time and do things on his schedule. He's not automatically wrong by living the way he does and you're not automatically right by living the way you do. The reason you are frustrated is that your two ways of living do not coexist peacefully under one roof.

I was in the same kind of marriage for 8 years and funnily enough, when I was 26 I had the same frustrations that you described and I'd been married for 3 years at that point. My ex never did anything that wasn't to his schedule and it frustrated me immensely. I learned that he'd rather live in a pigsty than spend 5 minutes clearing up dishes or empty soda bottles. Needless to say we're not married anymore... for other reasons!

This dynamic is not uncommon. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that he is close to your age? Many men do not grow up and mature in the way that women do. Did your husband have his mom help out a lot? Did he have things done for him often? Was he not held accountable to be responsible about things growing up? Does he leave things as long as possible until you get so frustrated you just "do them" because you think they'll never be done?

Be wary of how your behavior gives him what he wants. If you want things to change it is up to you to adjust the sails. You can only change yourself.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Are there things he does that he might think balance the score? I'm not saying he is right but does he think the workload is unbalanced? Do you similarly stressful jobs?

BTW- I think using sex to get what you want is never a good idea. (even if what you want is completely reasonable).


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