# Wife says it's over, cyclical relationship pattern advice?



## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Together 6 years, married 3, with 5yr old twins. I love her, she loves me, but my pattern of emotional neglect and our pattern of non-communication have wrecked things for good. She says she wants to go for good this time, our marriage is a "terminal dog with cancer that we've tried everything for, just needs shot humanely".

I'd apprecaite advice on anyone who has been in a similar situation, how to figure out this cyclical relationship pattern stuff, and if there is any recovery here - or how to move forward single again if thats really gods will.

Things came to a head last night. We are very busy individuals but the last few months have been neglecting the little time we have for each other. We've both rejected each others attempts to communicate by bringing up the latest transgressions. We talked, she says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but that our marriage is dead and since every time we've worked things back on track it only lasts for a couple months then I mistreat her constantly again. 

The cycle we've experienced is we work hard on our marriage for a few months and things are good, then we get busy with work or school or projects and work on our own stuff.
Then I'm not meeting her needs so my cute ineptness or forgetfulness are suddenly malicious acts, and my playful verbal jokes are all attacks and criticisms. We'll still be doing shared activities and parenting and occasionally have a good time together, but everything I do is overshadowed by something and resentment starts to grow. She will remember very few nice things in hindsight and only 'a million paper cuts'.
Then our communication starts to be stonewalled, I'd rather stay home than do a family event, and we're painful to be around each other.
Then something happens, some stupid comment or rude action, and a week or so later she presents her realization that we are not meant to be, that our marriage is unsavable, she will separate or divorce.
Then a few weeks of silence.
Then we see each other while swapping kids, start talking, acting decent and not fighting. 
Over a week to a few months, we eventually dig into the latest reason of the breakup, make a plan to resolve the issues, commit to coming back together stronger than ever.
Cycle up, the whole cycling taking a good 1-1.5 years.
The issues coming to head as physical fights the first time, then verbal fights/abuse, then physical/emotional abandonment when she was sick, then emotional abandonment and alcoholism, now emotional/physical abandonment.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

When we were talking and she saying its over, we dug into finding her submissiveness/tolerating the beginning irritating stuff (and softly rebuking it and telling me to stop, in what I perceived as a playful manner), is the same behavior she learned at childhood from dealing with her abusive dad, and seeing in their marriage. My overbearing/withdrawing stuff (stepping on her overly soft nature, absorbing in work/projects, avoiding conflict by stonewalling/leaving) are exactly what I saw my dad do. So this is some deep set stuff that neither of us are even really conscious of at the time, or know how to resolve if we do. 

So we have our small circle, which ties into the bigger cycle of our parents.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

We both don't want to leave the home (she would like me to leave which is the only thing she's said so far that I've gone against, I'm rolling with the rest everything for now for the sake of peace), so she's putting a second bed in the bedroom and treating me cold as hell, but at least we're both here for now and the kids are good.

I told her I don't want the cycle to repeat either because it hurts us both so much each time, the hopelessness of that the reason for a permenant divide. I have told her I believe in our marriage however and will do whatever I can to preserve/maintain our family. We agreed we both love each other so dearly, and that we really weren't doing much to consiously hurt each other, but it sure happened. I proposed a longer term counseling (1yr, as her concern is we'll drop out after a few months), she rejected. 

I proposed since we're likely living together for about 9 months as divorce goes thru, to arrange ourselves as amicable roommates. This worked for her, which I hope will allow us to build trust and friendship, a firm base for a later reconciliation - mean while I can get individual counseling and show her and myself I can live with her without being a jerk for more than a few months. I love my wife and family and do not want to lose this, but cannot go through causing her pain over and over.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Instead of worrying about the marriage, the two of you should seek help to deal with your past issues. Whether you stay married or not, each of your issues is keeping each of you from being in a healthy relationship. If you recognize some of your issues, it is a good thing, and it is a start. Now you have to undo the past and retrain yourself to behave differently. If you can't be around each other long enough without regressing, I suggest you do separate, as it sounds really unhealthy, and your children will suffer from the constant tension. Splitting right now might be the best for them because you two together will make the situation and environment worse. You two around each other might trigger resentment and negative emotions. 

I just got caught up, and one of you should move with a child custody agreement in place. This is the unhealthy environment I was talking about. Children need stability to grow into healthy adults.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm reading a book right now that you might find helpful, OP. It's called _Hold Me Tight_, by Sue Johnson. 

She says that "the way to enhance or save a relationship is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other and to reestablish emotional connection." 

Maybe take a look at it on Amazon and see what you think.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Thanks for the quick reply 

Yeah we've really just come to that conclusion we're dealing with reoccuring past issues almost more than anything else.

Yeah I told the story in the hardest light for the sake of not being a sugar coater. I should say we are really excellent together in parenting tasks and the kids see us interacting in healthy ways - the problems only really pop up when we're alone. I'm not sure what things look like moving forward but as long as we remain happy cordial individuals in front of the kids (and retain the possibility of individual growth and potential for reconciliation), I'm not inclined to move. We're not rocking the boat so as to provide the continued steady loving environment for them too. 

Hope that helps explain things and provoke further insights, thanks again!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

To help get pass past resentment, you need to develop an open communication style. You need to have an understanding and connection with each other. Your past and still need to be dealt with. Imagine it as a wall, stopping each of you from forming a connection. Even if you were to start a new relationship, you two will fall into the same trap.

If you find yourself from approaching an argument, you need to disengage. Ask her to stop before things are said that can't be unsaid. When you communicate, you have to convey your emotions from your pov, because you can't make the other feel the way you do. You have to own your own emotions. You have to learn to negotiate and ask her for help to find a solution to a conflict. Each of you have to learn to listen, because what one person feels is what feels true to them, and should not be easily disregarded. If your arguing, you are no longer listening. So when she says something, confirm that you understand what she is saying, and she should do the same in return. Understanding and connection is part of love. It helps build and strengthen a bond.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Groovy, thanks bud.

Well it's been like 11 days and I'm actually feeling pretty good about life now. Crazy. I said my piece that I understood what she's said, I understand what my part in this is and for my part I'm sincerely sorry, and while I don't agree this is a solution I respect her choice.

I'm finding my peace in my own spiritual program and accepting life as it comes. Feels pretty good! Seeing me happy seems to have pissed her off and she's gone NC(as much as possible, we have kids to swap) which frankly is fine, it kinda sucks for both of us, but at this point what she does is none of my business really. 

I let her know I thought this was something hasty we'll end up regretting, but I respect her choice and will do whatever I can in love to not make it an advisarial process (I don't care to drag out an expensive court battle, and we can pretty well agree on 50/50 property as well as joint kids). It just doesn't seem smart to add the bitterness and resentment (and cost! god the lawyers are expensive, and we have literally zero money) by using the process, when we agree on an even split. I do regret lowering my 'emotional shields' long enough to tell her it's not that I wouldn't fight FOR her, it's that I won't fight HER.

I've taken an even greater let-go-and-let-god attitude towards my life over the past week, it feels great, I'm finding myself much less selfish and much more loving towards the world in general. woohoo! 

To top it off, I got to put in an app today for my new home. It's awesome, and a nice place I'll be excited to call home with my kids (part time). I'm working on not stressing about having to rent a moving truck next week and deal with whatever issues she brings when I get some stuff, but plan on approaching it sensibly kindly equitably and with love, so I kinda know it's going to work out how it should (and will document it all for the judge for later!)

Don't get me wrong, I still love her madly and would jump at the opportunity to reunite each other and the family - I just don't see anything I can do or say to bring that about - so I'll not worry about it and concentrate on being the best and happiest me (man/dad) I can be, regardless of how this goes.

Life is good


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

I'm also reading a book if you're into reading, it's called Love and respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

It's all about the "crazy cycle" of wives not showing their husband respect which in turn causes the husbands not to show their wives the love they want which causes the women not to show respect and it goes on and on and on. 


I agree with Mr. fisty though about individual counseling.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Cool, thanks mrsc2012. my stbxw sent me back the christmas gift I gave her (a mystery novel), I think I'll return it and pick that 'Love and respect by Emerson Eggerichs' one up


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

And you know what..I'm feeling pretty done being down about this divorce, beating myself up over my own failures and shortcomings, and speaking negatively about my life.

You know what..I'm awesome! I'm loyal, spiritual, blessed, grateful, religious, loving, caring, determined, focused, strong, manly, resourceful, happy, warmhearted, a great provider, a great father, I'm honest, adventurous, intelligent, inquisitive, intimate, attractive, sexy, a great lover, well educated, friendly, healthy, earth-connected, skilled, hard working, a great leader, giving, I'm free, I'm forgiven, I'm loved. I am a great husband. 
I've experienced great successes and horrible failures, I've learned wonderful and difficult lessons, these mold me but do not define me. 
Life has its ups and its downs and this is normal. I vowed to share these with one person for better or worse forever, and I'm not the one breaking that, and there's nothing I can do to make my wonderful, hurt, and confused wife not. 
I'm accepting with love and respect. I'm choosing to forgive. I'm willing to remain still cautious but approachable, and I'm inclined to stand alone in faith, with hope for restoration after the papers are signed, satisfied and whole, as a matter of spiritual and moral principle, both for and with a clean conscience. That is my choice, likely a harder of paths, but one I trust I can lead in happiness and peace and without regret.

I'm awesome, and so are you! 
Good night


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Wow when it rains it pours. I lost my job today (due to economy), so financially out of options I just txt'd STBXW to let her know I'm moving back home.

Situation out of my control which lets us not lose everything financially, and gives me a chance to continue my Plan A of not doing anything to hurt her, doing everything I can to meet her needs, and being the great husband I am, while I still am. Plus I get to be there for and with my kids!  I have no clue how this will go though as supposedly my presence hurts her...any words of advice?

Times like this I have no doubt there is a God behind it all. Wish me luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

den-dad said:


> Wow when it rains it pours. I lost my job today (due to economy), so financially out of options I just txt'd STBXW to let her know I'm moving back home.
> 
> Situation out of my control which lets us not lose everything financially, and gives me a chance to continue my Plan A of not doing anything to hurt her, doing everything I can to meet her needs, and being the great husband I am, while I still am. Plus I get to be there for and with my kids!  I have no clue how this will go though as supposedly my presence hurts her...any words of advice?
> 
> Times like this I have no doubt there is a God behind it all. Wish me luck.


Oh, this is NOT going to end well....

If you go back, what makes you think she suddenly wants to work on things? She is going to want you to get a job and get out as soon as possible. You are delusional, no offense.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

Plan A isn't about her at all, it's about me doing what's right. 

I've also revised my thinking on the approach, and will simply bring the information to her instead of asking/demanding.

I don't think she wants to work on things right now, nor do I want to try to force that.


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## den-dad (Dec 21, 2014)

And it's a non-issue as I brought the issue to her in peace as a simple disclosure of facts and concerns, she said she doesn't have any ideas on the issue, but wouldn't be OK with me being there, and I said OK I can agree on that. Peaceful interchange, very nice!


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