# Calling all Christians who HAVE been divorced



## mentallydrained

Recently new to this TAM. Have made several post under different topic areas hoping to hear something that will trigger that "light bulb." After this weekend, I believe this area is now an option.

I grew up Baptist. My grandparents built church I grew up in, mom and dad married in it, were youth pastors for many years. H and I married in as well. Over years, elders changed, youth groups diminished, and eventually, we all parted ways of the church. I still have my beliefs and faith. Although like most, my faith is not practiced within the church and as most..lean on it more so when in need. Kind of like my H now.

H and I together 18 years, married 12 of them. Last time he went to church was elementary age. He's 51 now. Due to me growing over years, not being sexual involved with him and some other long story issues, H has decided Church is now the answer. He contacted long time friend, who's faith and christianity is very strong. He and his wife divorced several years ago after 20some years of marriage. One of those relationships everyone was shocked over. Never would have guessed in millions years. He has since moved on to new wife, still strong faith and remarried. With that example, H feels it's our answer now, the church. I however, feel it's not. Why? Honestly have no clue. My experience within in the actual 'church' is hypcrits. Know way too many that feel because they show up and attend every Sunday, they portray they are better than others, the strong ones, the strong faith, living Gods word. When in reality the are like all other humans, lying, cheating, spreading the drama, the gossip, pointing the finger and talking about there other 'christian friends' and doing it all while UNDER the roof of God, called Church.

Again, I have my beliefs, I believe in heaven and hell. I do believe God has a purpose for me and others. I do believe things happen for a reason. For my H to feel the church is our last resort, is not what I believe and I have no idea way. Is it that I'm so far gone that I know the right thing to do and cannot find strength to do it? Or am I ashamed to be under Gods roof because of how my feelings have changed for my H and *I * now am the hypocrit under the roof? 

I'm some what 'old traditional' when it comes to church. A lot of this new contemporary is a little uneasy for me. I enjoy the music, the not having to feel you need your 'Sunday Best Clothes" to go. H said to me today, God has plans for us, I just pray they are together. I'm just lost in that. He told me earlier on if I need out, he would walk from both me and daughter. That killed me! Having resenting toward me is fine, but our daughter? Move out of state from our daughter who is the apple of his eye? I pray God's plan is for him to NOT feel that's right thing to do if it came to that. A part of me in him saying that makes me even more distant from him. That's not the guy I married. The guy I married would not do that. HOwever, he did walk away from his son, not fighting for him when his mother moved him out of state. Felt it was easier as he was the disciplinary and son hated that. So, guess I"m foolish to think he wouldn't daughter. 

He says if can't have us both in life to complete him, want's nothing at all. Maybe he's wanting strength in God for himself? Like I need help in liking myself? I don't know. Sorry so long and rambling...but my question here is...what Christians have had divorces, felt it was the right thing and/or did you feel it was a sin, against the faith, against the church? Again, feeling I'm the hypocrit now going to church with these feelings.


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## mentallydrained

Mommy22..thank you for time to responde regarding:


> I see a lot of things you're using as walls to protect yourself and mask the pain.


 Your right. I've been told by counselor's the same. I think for several years now, I've been hiding behind this 'mask' and have become comfortable per say to stay behind it and to keep everyone else 'happy'.


> Furthermore, going to church with baggage doesn't make you a hypocrite, it makes you human. You've no need to feel shamed by that.


 Thank you. I guess I needed to hear it this way. My husband doesn't understand this part of what I have been around in way of the church.



> My question is: why would you opt for divorce over trying to fight for your marriage? What are you afraid is going to happen? Fighting for it when your husband desires that could reap wonderful rewards. I think you should try. You're sure to have regrets if you don't.


 I'm not opting for divorce. I see my heading of post has initiated that thought. I know in my heart that are many things to work on and obviously, I'm not to that point completely or I would think I'd be able to do it. He's a very loving and kind man. I know that. Right now on the surface, he wants things to be the way HE is comfortable and what HE likes. He doesn't feel friends are important or should be important. He feels we (Him, me and daughter) is all that's needed. He likes us having our own world with no outsiders. We have what I feel are friends/acquantences. We do things in groups once in a while, but now all of a sudden, he doesn't want much of that either. If I have friends, they have to be 'approved' and she him respect of our family. I feel I've been so passive for so long, and all of a sudden I don't want to be that way. I'm in that 'who am I' mode? Like no identity. He thinks if I just learn to like what and who I am as is since he does, then everything will be fine. At times I feel my marriage is making me fat, ugly, unattractive. He does what he wants inway of his second job/hobbie. He always has time for him and the things he enjoys. He enjoys staying home and working night to day. For years it's been his schedule, his timeline, etc. Not in a mean way. I don't know. Yes, I am going to work on this. But just curious as to those who have strong faith, christians, if divorced how it worked, how they felt, etc. with thier faith.


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## cb45

IF I READ U RIGHT...

Neither u nor yer H should be talkin' divorce. H is a believer,
and (granted) u r a (dormant) believer as well. so the un-
yoked doesnt apply here. compri'? U both are wrong to 
think/talk this way. Pride/stubborness/unforgiveness are 
major road-blocks here to eliminate 1st, w/ *H>S>* help.

Life goes on if divorce happens, but i think many give up the
beaufiful gifts God had in store for them if they had stayed the
course. Blame to the divorcer 1st n foremost. 
Now unyoked is a whole 'nother story...

Maybe yer H is trying to say he holds his love for God 1st
and foremost, and will give up u and daughter if nec.
Maybe he's lookin' for a copout; i dont know as i'm not there
to hear/see him say/act so. He shouldnt have to say this to
u, as u should know, be aware of it.

M22 covered hypocrits well enuff. no additions nec.

I think u need to get to a Spirit filled church where u can get
injected more quickly/easily with the power of the *H>S>(*holySpirit)!
[Have u ever experienced it? Have u ever been "born again" as they/we say?] No church is perfect, but *H>S>* is better than not/none. U'll know it when u feel/see/hear it.

OR u can wait and the pain n suffering coming yer way WILL 
make u cry out for it someday (soon?).
why not let today be the day? 

For tommorrow is not promised u, u do remember/know this dont u E.W. ???

I have many worship songs to share, but i think this one applies
most of all, unless you're heart is truly too hardened (i pray not)
and too wretched to receive beautiful redemption/forgiveness now.

crank yer speakers for best effect/results!

here's the link:

YouTube - chris rice:untitled hymn (come to jesus)-with lyrics


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## 4sure

I divorced my then husband many years ago. Why? He was abusive. I went to the elders for help, and was made to feel it was my fault. Since he slapped me around it had to be my fault, right? He was an alcoholic, and a mean spirited man. 

I had to leave. For many years I thought God didn't love me, and wouldn't forgive me. All because of some old men in the church. I have since then realized this was wrong. God loves me and I am forgiven. I too don't attend church. I have had to many bad experiences. 

God doesn't live in church He lives in ones heart.


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## mentallydrained

4sure said:


> I divorced my then husband many years ago. Why? He was abusive. I went to the elders for help, and was made to feel it was my fault. Since he slapped me around it had to be my fault, right? He was an alcoholic, and a mean spirited man.
> 
> I had to leave. For many years I thought God didn't love me, and wouldn't forgive me. All because of some old men in the church. I have since then realized this was wrong. God loves me and I am forgiven. I too don't attend church. I have had to many bad experiences.
> 
> God doesn't live in church He lives in ones heart.


Thank you. That is what I believe, God is in the heart. I'm not against the Church. My husband is on this mission of thinking the actual "church" is what is needed to follow faith and that if we go to church, there is no way we can not make it as it would be a major 'sin'. I have explained many good Christians with strong faith I'm sure have been divorced. In no way am I saying that is my ultimate choice. I'm just struggling emotionally with myself and feel if I don't work on self, there is no hope for the marriage. He isn't allowing me to work on self unless it's what he feels is needed to help him feel better.

God does work in mysterious ways. I was baptized and saved when younger. I believe that is eternal. I don't believe because I've strayed or sinned, I need to be 'born again'. Do I need to sit back, adjust and get back on the right path of God...Yes. But what if me feeling this strong urge of independence is a sign? A reason? My husband had majorly strong reservations of marrying me. Due to our age difference and me with children. What if that is all coming to head now as an "I told you so"? We are so different now when it comes to socializing. Makes me want to walk away and that does hurt. I do love him and care about him. But is he enough still? Will church help with that? He wants me to find friends..in the church, the church he is comfortable with. Again, things that will help our marriage based on what HE feels may be right.

I don't know. Very very confused.


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## greenpearl

I don't believe in churches. I believe in wisdom.

I do think there is a lot to learn in the Bible.

God is the great example of love. 

Jesus is a great teacher. 

All the New Testament teaches us how to be good and happy people. It really helps us understand who we are.

Proverbs are great to seek help too. 

I have compared people in church with a class of students. We go there to learn from God and Jesus, our teachers are God and Jesus, people there are all learning. Some of them learn well and apply it into their lives, some of them are just bad students, they sit there and day dream, they don't learn. We just need to focus on ourselves, we just need to make sure that we learn and benefit from God's words. 

I do a lot of studying and reading at home. I learn a lot. I also benefit a lot from studying the Bible.


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## striving

Just want to say so glad for this forum (found it last night) where we can share and talk.

Ditto everything on mommy22. I'm so sorry you've been burned in a church before. I would urge you to take your focus off of people, who are broken and messed up, and put your focus on Christ. It also makes me mad and sad when people like you reject God because of what they see in messed up sinners who try to follow God and aren't very good at it. It's really tragic. As said above, remember that the "church" is not by any means a perfect place with perfect people. Maybe God would use YOU in that group of people as an example of what a true Christ-follower is meant to be...who knows.

And ditto on the above with your husband. It seems like there is still so much hope and opportunity there. I am married to a pastor who doesn't care at all about our marriage (again, I must look to God, not to a person)...so if I were you, I would grab on to that chance to work up a plan and a compromise with your husband, to really talk it out and figure out how to both find a place in the church where you can grow and belong.

Best wishes.


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## mentallydrained

striving:


> It also makes me mad and sad when people like you reject God because of what they see in messed up sinners who try to follow God and aren't very good at it.


Please understand I don't, or at least don't think I do, reject God. I guess I reject the 'church'. I enjoy chuch in way of singing, listening to scripture (if preached in mannor I can relate and understand). I use to sing all the time byself when young and with my mom growing up in church, sang in the contatas, that was fun too. I guess I'm confused or at a crossroad of because I DO know my husbands motives or reasonings of why he does things. Since I have no friends of my own, I feel he wants to find a church for me to 'get friends' he approves of or is comfortable with. 

He has already advised me his friend has informed the pastor of the church we did visit of our problems. When we left the sermon, my H started crying when greeting the pastor. The pastor told him to call him and set up to meet. When I see H cry, I cry. So pastor then came to me and said same thing. H now feel she has this 'connection' with this pastor and church. I said to him, 'is it possible you feel this connection becuase he was already 'tipped' off about the situation' he responds with 'maybe'. All of this he feels after knowing the pastor told his friend he won't 'councel' him or us as he feels his priority to help those that are members of the church. So, what changed? The tears of my H made the pastor feel bad? Made him see the hurt my H has and decided it was the right thing to do or say after already telling our friends no since we aren't members? That the stuff that confuses me, bothers me.

I told H if this is truly what he wants to do to help himself feel better, by all means that's what I want and I will go to what ever church he is comfortable with. I want him to feel good about self as well. I don't know why it bothers me. I just feel so mental over it all.


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