# Love Him, Hate Me, About to Snap...Help?



## redchair (Jan 29, 2010)

I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years and have been together for 9.5 years. Before we ever met, I struggled with self-esteem issues because, long story short, my mother just really hated me. But I pride myself on rolling with all of that and being strong despite it. 

My husband is beautiful and caring and smart and kind and silly and weird and I love him more than anything, but he just doesn't support me and it is spiraling me into a severe depression. In some ways I think it's because we're too different, inherently...we've got a real Dharma & Greg thing going on. 

I treat him like the miracle that I believe him to be. He has trouble even telling me that I'm pretty. He treats everything I do like it's a nuisance and expects me to be perfect in ways that he is not. I try talking to him and we hash out our issues with one another and I strive to change my part of the happiness hindrance (believe me, I know I'm not perfect), but he does nothing in return. He has been hurting my feelings in the exact same ways for 9+ years! He even admits that he hasn't done anything because when things start to improve even a little, he figures it’s fixed and forgets all about his half. 

He has also told me that when I am not yelling at him, he doesn't pay as much attention because he doesn't think the issues are as urgent. And when I’ve had enough and I do yell at him to get his attention, he acts all hurt and tells me how painful it is to have a wife who is always yelling. He keeps things from me and lies to me about the dumbest things and, even when he is caught, will hold so tightly onto that lie for days. Then, after he has admitted to it, will later deny that he was ever dishonest. 

I hate myself because I am turning into a shrew and that is stressful and depressing and I break out and gain weight when I am stressed and depressed. And he doesn't act attracted to me when I'm happy and fit, so it gets worse when that's not so much the case. I feel like I'm going crazy and he says we will get counseling, but then never does anything about it. I hate who I am in this marriage. I am not the strong woman that I used to be. And he isn't a bad man, he's just a bad partner. I cannot continue giving 100% in my job as partner, when he, admittedly, only puts in 30%. I feel like I could snap at any moment…and after all I’ve been through, I’m just not ready to go down like that.


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## bbelmont (Feb 8, 2010)

Im not sure if youve already tried this, maybe you have, but you should tell him what you just posted, verbatim. you could even just link him to your post and get his reaction, act upon those results. you could even write him a note and leave it for him to find when your out so he has time to digest what he sees its not just a sudden argument and he cant use the "your yelling at me" cop out.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

good idea bb!! I might try that with my H... I've thought about it but there is rarely a time that he is home when I'm not, usually I'm home and he is not or we're both home; maybe I'll write one and hold on to it until there is a time.


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## redchair (Jan 29, 2010)

Yes, I have done this--not the linking to this post, but I have told him exactly this. I have said it calmly, over the phone, in letters, in emails...And he acknowledges everything. Which is almost more hurtful: he knows exactly what he does, but he just won't change it. And, still, he gets mad at me for nagging on and on about it, which in turn somehow makes all of our problems my fault. We have something in our house that we call "The Evil Wife That Lives In Your Head"...which basically means that he takes every bad moment between us and morphs it into this horrible witch that lives only to torture her poor, sad husband. Which I don't think is fair at all. And I am terrified that, one day, that distorted image is going to completely replace any good feelings that he has about me. I know it's a defense mechanism to protect himself from having to face his own transgressions and peg it on me instead, but I'm just not strong enough to carry anyone's extra bad opinions of me-I have enough of my own. (ew, that sounded melodramatic--apologies)


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