# Will scheduled sex bring back the connection?



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

We are currently on the outs but are considering getting back together and actually working on making the relationship good. A lot of discussion has happened this last couple weeks and we've been talking about things we never have before. The biggest challenge I think is the sex ... for the last two years we only have sex every couple months when I initiate it. This is actually quite a surprise because getting into the relationship I never felt as sexually compatible with someone as I did with him so thought to myself "Wow ... this is going to be fun!" I think a lack of communication and some very big mis-understandings lead to this but there's no going back and fixing that so here we are not into each other any more. This past while we've been pretty much just like roommates.

I am only somewhat into him anymore and I can't speak for him but I am guessing he is not into me at all (last time he initiated was 2 years ago). When I do initiate he doesn't deny me nor has problems maintaining an erection or anything though. I have been doing a lot of reading on how if it's possible to get the spark back and there's a concept that seems strange to me and was wondering if anyone knew if it actually worked.

The thought is to have scheduled regular sex even though we aren't hot and heavy for each other any more and that brings the intimacy and sexual connection back after a while. Has anyone gone through this process? Does it really work? If it does how long before it does? If we decide to give our relationship another chance I really want no part of it if we can't repair our sex life dysfunction. 

The idea seems very unsexy and unemotional to me but if it works I'd be willing to give it a try. I think back to previous relationships I was in where after the initial infatuation I stopped being into them so broke things off and the idea of making myself have sex with them is kind of ewww. 

If I can get some kind of confirmation that this actually works I was thinking of proposing maybe we make a rule that sex would happen a minimum of twice a week - once my choice, the other his choice. 

Feedback please.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're not into each other and you've been clinically sexless for years. And here you are considering getting back together. Why on earth would you do that? You must realize it will never get better. Why sentence yourself to a life like that?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm also wondering if your energy couldn't be spent finding a more suitable partner.

Having said that - H and I have tried scheduled sex these past few months. I didn't like the idea of it - but the reality of it was actually quite arousing. As long as both people are committed to going through with it and being bound by the agreement. I found it helped on non sex days because there was no wondering and waiting. It also helps on sex days because you know it's coming up and the arousal can start very early.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"If I can get some kind of confirmation that this actually works"

I do not think that you could get guaranties that any thing would work because it all depends on the individuals and their willingness to make it work. 

Why, if you have been sexless for two years than what's the motivation to change? If you do not find him sexually desirable why try to force the issue?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

tpb-

My wife and I have been going through a really rough patch with many issues...sex being the main issue.

My wife and I agree that we no longer have that lust type of love. We have been together 22 years now and "scheduled" sex seems to work the best. 

We don't mark it on the calendar, but we both know that we skip 2 nights between sex. If I am really agressive and let my wife know I want sex, I just let her know way ahead of time.

Is it romantic? no not at all

We are a long way off before we D

What I do know is that when we are having rgular sex, even though there is no real emotional connection, I am happier. Mostly because I love sex. For me love has nothing to do with it.

To answer your question, it does bring intimacy into the marriage.

Are yall married?

Any children?

Id try the scheduled sex for 6 months and see what happens...if anything, yall may have fun trying. maybe the problem was neither one of you wanted to initiate...scheduled sex takes the pressure off..

Just my thoughts.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

(Searches lab for clipboard)

Scheduling sex works to the extent that one partner is not actively avoiding it and issuing rain checks faster than Black Friday specials. Set a goal of x/month and track it via spreadsheet or calendar.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You won't find a single member her who will agree with your idea at all. If you are not married and don't have kids, continue down the path of separating. 

Just because you are friendly and seem to be getting along as you both process what went wrong, doesn't mean you will ever be right for each other. 

Find a man who is actually into you.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I see I should have thought my post out more before publishing what I did actually. This was a little reactionary relaying some of my fears. I do apologize because I sure didn't think out how I posted this.

For all the talking we have done lately I haven't been ready to talk very much about the sex except that I told him without it I don't feel loved. I skirted actually getting into a conversation about why we don't have sex because I wasn't ready for it although I think I'm ready to now. I know from my side I have felt very insecure and undesirable when I noticed that I was the only initiator so gradually initiated less and less. Because our relationship morphed into this sexless thing I'm a little sexually shut down right now and I'm not into sex period although normally I am a regular perv. For me this is because of my own insecurities that I am thinking the cause of him not initiating is he's not into me.

Since I haven't been ready to go down that path and hear him say that out loud I really don't know. It could be he is just not an initiator or less of an initiator than I am so when I slowed things down he thought I was rejecting him or that he was upset with me over things so didn't feel like having sex with me. I really don't know. I am only going on speculation here and posted really what my worst fears were and how hopeless it felt as I was typing it. 

I do totally agree with the comments that if it's dead ... let it die. 

But what if it's not dead and was just baggage crap in the way ... I do still desire him and lets now suppose he still desires me (I'm ready for this talk now; it will happen in the next couple days so then I'll know). We are at this very awkward stage now where sex is not the spontaneous thing it was before so let me rephrase ... 

Hypothetically if we still desire each other but have lost that sexual connection ... can scheduled sex bring it back.

Again I apologize. I had just been reading a bunch of other posts and articles and did not phrase what was on my mind well. Btw did I mention I don't communicate very well


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi!

I've seen this advice on several "challenges" and couples advice forums....and I guess I can see why it is recommended...However...sex isn't something that you should have to force...I would think it would be a bit "stiff" if it were planned...almost not even fun...More like work I guess....Anyway, everyone is different and best of luck!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Speaking from the married with children perspective my answer is Yes. 

Yes scheduled sex does help with build intimacy better than not having ANY sex.

At least there is a window of opportunity where a couple can be close together , communicate (even if just physicallly) and hopefully please each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I much prefer scheduling dates to scheduling sex. The trick, though, is that just like when you were dating the dates need to, more often than not, end with sex. So, a nice dinner or a movie or a walk through the park, or a couple rounds of bowling or laser tag or whatever. Talk, flirt, enjoy each other's company, have fun together. Then segue that fun evening into a little more fun in bed. 

That approach just works better for me than, "Hey, it's 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday. Time to finish folding these socks, have him turn off NCIS, and go have sex." I need the build-up, the connection on other levels, the time and attention involved in dating, in order to get revved up for the sex that comes after.

But yes, scheduled sex is better than no sex at all, and will help maintain at least a physical connection. I just don't think it's ideal, long-term. I think it is, or should be, a stop-gap measure while a couple works out how to improve their relationship to the point that they don't have to schedule sex.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

A lot of us who are in a relationship with an Low Drive person schedule sex. 

I am so sorry to hear your guy is an LD. That must be especially tough for a woman because guys are supposed to have fire in their eyes and chase after their woman.

Do not take it personally.
It is most likely not him being "not in to you", If he was not into you he would not have been there in the first place. 

Most likely he just has a very low drive and was also maybe lazy and does not understand your needs. You where initiating more than enough to satisfy his needs and so why should he? But it is possible he has other medical or psychological problems.

My wife and I have sex regularly on Sunday. It is not exactly a schedule but an understanding. She benefits because she is the type of person who makes lists whereas I am more of a tumbleweed.

I think you should try it but also consider that your need for him to initiate is important to you so give him the task of initiating on a regular schedule. 

If he can't see that you have legitimate needs and try to meet them than he has some real problems.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

IMHO scheduled sex is usually used by couples that both desire an active sex life, but life's responsibilities keep getting in the way. Things like kids, jobs etc. my wife and I have sex every third day. It's not really scheduled and firm, but generally what we shoot for. 

In your case, although scheduled sex may cause you to have sex more. I believe it probably won't bring you closer together emotionally unless you fix the underlying problems that are keeping you both apart in the first place. Find and fix those, and I believe the sex will fix its self. 

If he genuinely wants to have a closer relationship with you for himself (not you), I would take the love language test and the emotional needs quiz to find out what your needs actually are and how you each feel love. Then I would probably get in counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

good thread. I would love to hear from a LD person regarding how they viewed scheduling sex and how it impacted the relationship over the long haul.

I'm the HD person, but scheduled sex sounds like a real put off. Sort of like pity sex or "to shut him up and make him stop asking" sex. After years of rejections 90% of the time, I've actually stopped asking or initiating. I havent figured out a good long term solution, but for now changing my expectations has really helped me cope with the sexless aspect of our marriage. Regardless, I wonder how the LD person feels about scheduled sex... :scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

This is a really depressive subject. Yes, scheduled sex will improve or maintain a connection. The only way it will not is if the LD dreads doing it. All LD's will not avoid pleasing their mates, some will enjoy pleasing their mates and meeting their needs, they just don't have as much desire as an HD.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

tpb-

Way back in my previous single life, sex was scheduled...My goal for the date was sex. I was always on my best behavior. It did make things easier for me when the gf's initiated.

Is your bf LD? I think you said that he just didn't want to initiate...

When I want sex with my wife, I draw hearts along with xoxoxo on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. When I do that, we both will set the stage for that. For me, I make sure I have a close shave. It is different being that we have a 10 year old. The blanket on the couch comes in handy.

So scheduled sex can still be romantic with foreplay. If we are too busy for that, we will still have scheduled sex. Then its more for release than anything else.

If he is the one you want to be with and you are both want the same thing, then why not...

If you are both staying out of convience, well...in several years you will be roommates who have occasional sex. My wife and I are there...Roommates who co-parent and have scheduled sex in order to keep the marriage going.

Your not married and y'all have no children. If you love each other, give it a shot.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I'm the HD person, but scheduled sex sounds like a real put off. Sort of like pity sex or "to shut him up and make him stop asking" sex.


I am not the LD but...
I would think this depends on the LD. I think that my wife is helped because of the consistency. She is not the sort of person who likes unknowns. Some people are just fairly routine and operate better when they know what is expected in advance.

There are two different kinds of duty sex in my view. 
One the LD partner likes sex and understands the need somewhat but simply does not need it as much as the other. This is my wife. She enjoys the sex and she will have sex with me even if it was not her idea and almost always ends up enjoying it once it gets going. But the more I would push her beyond her natural need the worst she would respond. 

The there is the other type who for whatever reason does not enjoy it and makes it painfully obvious.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I actually don't think my guy is LD. He does enjoy his porn. Plus the outs we are on right now is a result of him crossing a line. Until I have his perspective I am guessing. Not sure if I will actually ever know his angle on this. Our communication has improved dramatically but I'm not expecting miracles. I'm not sure what went wrong sexually with this relationship from his angle. 

So before you say it ... maybe there is a porn addiction. I know. Actually so long as we can get our sex to a level that I need I don't care ... I like porn too! I do know sex often causes him discomfort as his knees are buggered and when we do get intimate (once every few months) he is like an energizer bunny and really puts himself out there. The last time I actually got pretty rude to him during the session which I attempted to apologize for but not sure if I apologized correctly. A few times when I have initiated he's turned it from an us thing to a him thing. Every time he has done this I feel completely heart broken in that it can be a him thing anytime and anywhere but if after months I break down and get all pushy with him ... I'm in desperation mode. The last time I was a little hurtful as he got me so very very close and then wanted me to finish him off. I kind of said something like "right now i don't care if that's what you want ... i'm getting taken care of". I felt just sick about saying such a thing. In the morning I tried to give him a good morning bj to make up and was denied. I tried talking about it later and was shut down. Before you give me **** on this understand that this was the first time i have ever gotten harsh with him like this. 

So the long and the short of it is I don't know what has been going on with him. Not sure what it is and I really don't know if I will ever find out. This conversation that's coming ... who knows what will come up.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

tpb-

I am all about trying to stick it out until there is no hope. You're the only one who can decide that...

When we we in our slump and I wanted to kick it back in gear, I just text her "I want to fvk tonight" she text back "OK". That's when the scheduled sex started up again...

Sometime talking about it doesn't always help. Sometimes the truth may come out and it may hurt.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

We have done the scheduled sex thing and are now way past it, it worked short term but soon it too fell victim to the underlying problems.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"The last time I was a little hurtful as he got me so very very close and then wanted me to finish him off. I kind of said something like "right now i don't care if that's what you want ... i'm getting taken care of"." 

That is not rude. He was rude for stopping before you where finished. That is just plain selfish and inappropriate. 

Personally all I think you can do is lay down some rules for him and if he can not or will not than he is a jerk. (but yes if his knees are a problem find other positions)


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

tpb72 said:


> I see I should have thought my post out more before publishing what I did actually. This was a little reactionary relaying some of my fears. I do apologize because I sure didn't think out how I posted this.
> 
> For all the talking we have done lately I haven't been ready to talk very much about the sex except that I told him without it I don't feel loved. I skirted actually getting into a conversation about why we don't have sex because I wasn't ready for it although I think I'm ready to now. I know from my side I have felt very insecure and undesirable when I noticed that I was the only initiator so gradually initiated less and less. Because our relationship morphed into this sexless thing I'm a little sexually shut down right now and I'm not into sex period although normally I am a regular perv. For me this is because of my own insecurities that I am thinking the cause of him not initiating is he's not into me.
> 
> ...


Scheduled? Well not in terms of “if it’s Wednesday it must be foreplay” but yes I do let Ms. Spin know when I kiss her good bye in the morning that I’d be up for some loving in the evening. With work, children and other civic/social obligations plus just being tired – I think you pretty much have to. At least in our rodeo arena, that’s how it is.

Love, marriage, family and sex are all dynamic factors constantly in flux. Fortunately or unfortunately, those points in life where you can spontaneously have sex under the stars on a beach in the middle of nowhere are tempered by those times in your lives where you're working 60-70 weeks, homework, swim meets and etc.

I’d recommend giving it a shot, it helped with us. The magic of spontaneity may not be there but the anticipation is special too.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Still haven't had a chance to talk. He has a real stupid on call job so that's also been a contributing factor to our sex lives. 

I'm not yet sure if he's moving out at the end of the month or working on our relationship. It's driving me crazy! I told him to get out ... spent a weekish crying ... next weekish hating him ... the third weekish analyzing my part in our failings. Talked to him that I made some mistakes and felt that I also didn't communicate well and work on our relationship as much as I should have and would be willing to go there. Seconds before this conversation he was worried about finding a place to live so this came out of no where for him. Told him to go off and think about it. We haven't had a chance to pick up the conversation but I don't think he's actively house hunting atm.

In the mean time started thinking that maybe we shouldn't because how do we fix the sex and that is THE root cause for my issues. That is where this post was born.

I have been very comforted by your responses that it is possible and in some cases necessary to make sure there is time spent on the woohoo. Also I am comforted in this whole topic to know that this seems to be a very common issue and I am not alone. 

Thanks all, I needed this.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

tpb-
I have said many things to my wife out of frustration. Most of which I should have just kept my mouth shut. We can never erase the things we say that hurt others.

Communication is a challenge to so many relationships. Sometimes I think I am communication challenged...

Do you really want your bf to move out?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Your needs in the relationship should be a given.

No guy would want to be taken almost there and then stop for who knows when or how long. 

Maybe I can try to give him some benefit of doubt and assume that he is just ignorant of how women work and what their needs are 

-but that itself shows that he is selfish and never really cared to learn.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

tpb72 said:


> I see I should have thought my post out more before publishing what I did actually. This was a little reactionary relaying some of my fears. I do apologize because I sure didn't think out how I posted this.
> 
> For all the talking we have done lately I haven't been ready to talk very much about the sex except that I told him without it I don't feel loved. I skirted actually getting into a conversation about why we don't have sex because I wasn't ready for it although I think I'm ready to now. I know from my side I have felt very insecure and undesirable when I noticed that I was the only initiator so gradually initiated less and less. Because our relationship morphed into this sexless thing I'm a little sexually shut down right now and I'm not into sex period although normally I am a regular perv. For me this is because of my own insecurities that I am thinking the cause of him not initiating is he's not into me.
> 
> ...


Yes I think it could bring back the connection....having more sex with a spouse releases more hormones, specifically oxytocin (men and women release it). It's called the bonding hormone. 

On another note though, why do you think he is LD? Does he have any unresolved anger towards you? Could he be in an affair?

I feel that no relationship is completely without hope, even until the end.

Good Luck!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

tpb72 said:


> We are currently on the outs but are considering getting back together and actually working on making the relationship good. A lot of discussion has happened this last couple weeks and we've been talking about things we never have before. The biggest challenge I think is the sex ... for the last two years we only have sex every couple months when I initiate it. This is actually quite a surprise because getting into the relationship I never felt as sexually compatible with someone as I did with him so thought to myself "Wow ... this is going to be fun!" I think a lack of communication and some very big mis-understandings lead to this but there's no going back and fixing that so here we are not into each other any more. This past while we've been pretty much just like roommates.
> 
> I am only somewhat into him anymore and I can't speak for him but I am guessing he is not into me at all (last time he initiated was 2 years ago). When I do initiate he doesn't deny me nor has problems maintaining an erection or anything though. I have been doing a lot of reading on how if it's possible to get the spark back and there's a concept that seems strange to me and was wondering if anyone knew if it actually worked.
> 
> ...


We are advocates of scheduled sex. A lot. 3 of 4 times a week. If you miss out on one or two, it is no problem at all because you know you will get plenty in the days after that.

In our case we started this because at some point we had grown apart a little, and we both would like more intimacy and love.

So we took action and now we kind of celebrate (doing this for many years now) every time we do it.

Instead of obligatory sex, it feels like a total liberation, because you do it so often you don't NEED to have sex, which is what we hear from other couples when talking about such a subject. They HAVE to do it now and then, because there is so little opportunity in their busy lives. 

Once you schedule this special time, the rest gets planned around it, one shorter night, one longer night. No problem.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm with most of the respondents on here - No it won't.

If you 'connect' with each other emotionally but never find the time to be physically intimate because of work, children etc etc then making the effort and time to have sex will go along way.

But, if you are not connected and are only having scheduled sex because you feel you ought to...then forget it, walk away before it gets too complicated; children, joint mortgage etc


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## liveandlearn (Mar 19, 2009)

tpb72 said:


> ... He has a real stupid on call job...


This jumped out at me. In your mind do you really call the things he does or the things in his life "stupid"? Do you really feel that way? You don't have to answer here, but that kind of contempt could be a factor in not having/feeling/maintaining a connection between two people. If my husband called anything in my life "stupid", I doubt he'd be seeing much intimacy from me.


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