# How do we trust each other?



## hisgirlalways (Jun 11, 2020)

Ok! First off I'm new here so hi. My fiance used to be a frequent visitor and we use to have fun discussing various topics on here. Anyway moving on, from the beginnings.

My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years (known each other for 7.5) and have 4 amazing kids ages 4mo to almost 6. (My oldest was 6 weeks old when we started dating.) We have both had some unfaithfulness and I want nothing more than to get some of what we had back.

I started it. I used to talk to 2 of my exes and vent my frustrations to them. As time went on I did talk about leaving my fiance with them because I was so unhappy at one point. I talked to them on and off for years. Nothing physical ever happened. I even told them I couldn't do that to my fiance. Talking **** is one thing, getting physical, nope. Everything was messages. I was also drawn to talking to them becsuse i was getting less and less attention from my other half. 

Then I found out I was pregnant with our youngest. He wasn't happy or mad. He just didn't care. After finally getting him to talk he told me, he knew I was talking to these other two and he didn't believe the baby was his. My heart ached. I told him I would never be physical with anyone but him but he didn't believe me. He knew everything I had told them and he believed I was cheating physically as well. He made me feel like scum. And I deserved it. I spent months trying to get his trust. 

Then one week I had a really bad gut feeling something was up. I took his phone one night when he was asleep and took a look. He was on about 5 or 6 dating apps, taking to over 20women and making plans for our kids to have a "playdate" with other women's kids during my work hours. He was claiming he was a single father if 2, and one of them he talked to daily and I still remember how she made him smile. (It still makes me ache.) I went livid. My hands started shaking so bad I couldn't navigate his phone. 

I woke him up and we stepped outside I asked if he was talking to other girls and he flat lied. I called him out on it and then he confessed. He told me he started it like the day after he told me about mine. I was like 'so these last few months when you were reminding me how you cant trust me and making me feel like **** for my awful actions, you were getting it on with all these other women?' He said he was never physical and I told him "i wasn't either and you didn't believe me." 

It was that moment right there when I truly knew how much I love him. I didn't was to leave him. I wanted to fix the problem. I realized in that moment I would do anything I could to help my relationship get back on track.

I held my tummy, our unborn baby girl, and I remember telling him we were doing a paternity test. I wanted there to be no question in his mind that she is his. 

That was right before Halloween 2019

So here we are. Paturniry test of course confirmed what I already knew. I told him I have nothing to hide anymore. I haven't talked to anyone since everything happened and he claims he hasn't either. 

BUT, he told me the other day that if he wants to look something up and not be in his browser history then he will just use an incognito window and he isn't being very affectionate when I try to love on him or when he is it's like I cant be facing him. 
So now I'm all paranoid and back to square one!! Lol

He spends a lot of time on his phone, just like when I caught him. But also manages to miss most of my messages and calls. 

I am trying. I work 10-12 hour shifts most days and I still make him coffee before I leave, make him dinner when I get him, watch what he wants, and surprise him with the little things that matter. Like new socks lol. All I want in return is affection and a reason TO trust him instead of reasons why I SHOULD trust him.

I really need advise. I love this man. I really really do. I made mistakes but I really am trying to make it work. He is an amazing dad and great with me when he chooses to be.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well it sounds like you both had some very poor boundaries. How about marriage counseling do you think he would be open to that? The phone thing isn't good even if he isn't cheating. Do you guys ever do anything as just a couple? Do you think you can?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Apparently you can't get back what you had but you might rekindle a new affection IF and only you BOTH want it and _try hard_. 
He has run out of love for you and is interested in new connections. 

You said you used to vent to your exes about your fiance. What were you unhappy about before you started stepping outside the relationship?


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## hisgirlalways (Jun 11, 2020)

By now I font even remember what I use to vent about. It was probably petty. 

I'm not convinced yet that hes ran out of love for me. When I tell him I dont feel loved or that he doesn't love me, he always assures me he does love me, wants to stay with me, and hes not trying to make me feel so sad. 

We use to be able todo things together all the time. But more kids also means less time away from them. I still try to find even small things to do together when there is a tiny chance.

I don't know how to get him to cut back on his phone. It's horrible, I'd rather him smoke more than always be reading or listening to a video. Isn't that sad. Lol

We have talked about counseling in the past but it's never been affordable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@hisgirlalways I would suggest marriage counselling sooner rather than later.

You set the agenda for this mess, hopefully an outsider who is qualified and experienced can help you both get back on track.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

When he saw you talking your Ex about leaving to go to the Ex. That killed a lot of love and trust. 
Staying in contact with an Ex is most times a slippery slope for a relationship.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

There's only one way you two will ever trust each other, and that is to stop contacting all these outside people. 100% stop. Use complete openness with each other, no hiding, no secrets.

Then, resolve that you both are going to seek to have your needs met, and meet the needs, of each other. 100%.

In time, if you are both faithful to this program, your trust will be built on a firm foundation.

See, counseling was affordable. You just have to do it. If you do it, you will need no counselor.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

You don't. Tell him to get a divorce and DNA tests.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

When did you get engaged?

When did you last tell your ex that you would leave your fiance?

Did you send pics to your ex, tell him you love him, or sext?

What was the length of the secretly texting exes? Months? Years? How frequent? Daily? Weekly? Monthly?

Is it correct that you only knew you wanted him when you realized he was cheating on you?

The reality is that you can't trust a liar until the liar becomes consistently honest for an extended period of time. You have to catch them being honest, doing and saying what they claimed. The extent of egregiousness of the cheating will affect how long the consistent honesty one will have to be to earn trust. That goes for both you and him. Any behaviors that were involved in the cheating will set back reaching a comfortable level of trust.

Based on the little detail you provided, my assumption is that the egregiousness of your secrecy, saying you would leave him, and how long it went on is a stumbling block to any quick resolution in trust. Likewise, with him exhibiting secrecy behaviors, I don't see you trusting him any time soon.

Do you have a wedding date set?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think it really depends on what you said to your two ex’s. If he was reading it, there is no taking it back. Especially the part of you wanting to leave. There are something’s that can’t be repaired.


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