# Why do I feel this way?



## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either). 
My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are playing with fire and you will all get burnt. In fact you will all go up in flames and so will your marriage. Your choice.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Wifewithwoes said:


> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting


And this is exactly the reason a 3rd person in the marriage is dooming the marriage to divorce for almost everyone.

Your marriage is not your number one priority, getting laid by this other man is. You’re just looking for a way to justify it.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


True story please take heed.
25 years ago a friend decided to invite a male coworker to have a threesome with his wife. A first he and his wife were keen on the idea, believed it would bring in some excitement and enhance their marriage. So on one evening the male coworker turns up at their home. After some chat and getting his wife to know his coworker better, they went to their bedroom for what they considered was going to be an amazing sex session. When they began getting into it imy friend noticed that his wife was enjoying this with his coworker, in-fact my friend simply became an observer his wife treating him as if he wasn`t there. He also noticed that his wife was giving more of herself to his coworker more than she had ever done with him. Once they were done, they sat and had a coffee than the coworker went home. After he left the atmosphere between them could have been cut with a knife, my friend suddenly realising it was a bad idea. He could not erase the image of his wife doing the deed with his coworker, and guess what, four months later he divorced his wife. So although this may appear a fantasy and thrilling in porn movies, it doesn`t work in real life and if in a relationship avoid bringing any third parties into it because usually they don`t end well.
If you feel your husband is not enough for you and you desire more sexually from outside the marriage, then leave your husband and can have affairs with whom ever you like.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


My personal belief is this is not the way married people as supposed to behave. You defiled your marriage the moment you invited someone else in. You like flirting with other men. Not really sure why you are married.


That aside, some real advice. How many times/partners is it going to take for your husband's jealousy to be too much and the marriage collapses. You got away with this first one now you are going to temp fate again?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My advice has always been that if you are going to have a threeway, you have it with two other people you have no emotional involvement with but are just casual with.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Whose idea was this 3-way?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Un trío no es bueno, alguien siempre muere un poco... Es verdad.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

To sum it up in two words: Train Wreck.
If you truly value your marriage, you'll quit while you are ahead.
He has already demonstrated that he can't handle you being with another man.
That's natural, after all you are his Wife. What would your response be if it was another woman there with you, and his reaction indicated that her performance was above your norm?
If you haven't done permanent damage, you may want to do the work to "Buff out" the damage that has been done to his self worth.
The only way a threesome is "Successful" is if there are no attachments of any kind between the three.
You both would be better served by working on spicing up your bedroom with just the two of you.
He may say he wants to do it. His reaction(s) show the exact opposite.
I


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Whose idea was this 3-way?


His idea. He said he wanted to watch after me and him were done and then the 2 of them went on. My H is bi.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Wifewithwoes said:


> His idea. He said he wanted to watch after me and him were done and then the 2 of them went on. My H is bi.


I see. Well, clearly it’s an experiment gone wrong. If it was his idea and you did it at his request, he can’t then blame you for enjoying it. But now that’s expressed that he didn’t react the way he thought, it would be wrong for you to continue. IMO.

ETA: By “you,” I mean both of you. The blame for “trying” this and the responsibility for stopping it are NOT solely on you. It was his idea to start this, it shouldn’t fall only on you to stop it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your husband sounds like he is afraid he’ll lose you if he doesn’t let you have sex with other men. Is that true?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Wifewithwoes said:


> His idea. He said he wanted to watch after me and him were done and then the 2 of them went on. My H is bi.


That puts a new twist on things.
Was the reason he wanted a threesome so that he would have someone to "Play" with?
Or is his issue that you appear to develop feelings for the third?
At any rate, if you really value the marriage, best to ratchet back to an even number.


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Your husband sounds like he is afraid he’ll lose you if he doesn’t let you have sex with other men. Is that true?


No not at all! I would never leave my husband, and he knows that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Is he having sex with men on the side? I’m not accusing or judging, just trying to get the whole picture.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wifewithwoes said:


> My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


Is your husband's coworker gay or bi? 

There is a rule that most people have... don't play where you get paid. There is a high chance that this thing with the coworker is going to go just as bad and the situation with your mutual friend. Your husband could lose his job over it.

Most marriages don't survive what the two of you are doing.


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Is he having sex with men on the side? I’m not accusing or judging, just trying to get the whole picture.


No he is not, he has thought about it but we agreed it would not be something done without the others knowledge if not involvement.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Wifewithwoes said:


> No he is not, he has thought about it but we agreed it would not be something done without the others knowledge if not involvement.


Did he tell you he doesn’t want you to be with another man? What I’m asking is, he told you he has concerns but did he specifically say he didn’t want to do another MMF?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Wifewithwoes said:


> No not at all! I would never leave my husband, and he knows that.


Okay.

You should end this “arrangement” because it will never improve your marriage, but only hurt it. As you’re already seeing. Your husband may have assumed he could handle it but if he’s become jealous over it and it’s causing issues for you both, it’s not worth it to me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If your husband ended up feeling jealous and insecure, and you feel awful, that should be a sign that an open marriage isn't for you. And really, it isn't for most people either.


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Did he tell you he doesn’t want you to be with another man? What I’m asking is, he told you he has concerns but did he specifically say he didn’t want to do another MMF?


No, he has not told me he doesn't want to do another MMF, he says he's just working through his insecurities but I'm fearful that it may make them worse. He told me today that when I ended things with the mutual friend that he feels he is also partially missing out due to him having fun as well as me, and doesn't see why we shouldn't give it another shot.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Wifewithwoes said:


> No, he has not told me he doesn't want to do another MMF, he says he's just working through his insecurities but I'm fearful that it may make them worse. He told me today that when I ended things with the mutual friend that he feels he is also partially missing out due to him having fun as well as me, and doesn't see why we shouldn't give it another shot.


Ugh he’s really putting you in a tough situation. On the one hand, it sounds he wants to try to get over it. On the other, this is dangerous stuff. I’m afraid this is above my pay grade, there are other posters that swing/swap/do threesomes and have open marriages that can probably help. I couldn’t do it myself, I am one of those bad, selfish wives who doesn’t bring women home so my H can have sex with them. 😉. I have never been in a threesome at all, I’m just not wired that way. My only advice would be to not do anything that makes you uncomfortable and keep communications open so you’re both on the same page. That’s the best I can really do.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You are playing with fire and you will all get burnt. In fact you will all go up in flames and so will your marriage. Your choice.


Going to get burned? Already burned beyond recognition. Starting with a marriage to a bi partner, you’ve got to have the strongest of boundaries to survive. How long before the husband’s jealousy taunts him into believing the solution is a male partner of his own, an experience he cannot share with his wife, much as he feels his wife had an experience with the other guy that isn’t found within the marriage?


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ugh he’s really putting you in a tough situation. On the one hand, it sounds he wants to try to get over it. On the other, this is dangerous stuff. I’m afraid this is above my pay grade, there are other posters that swing/swap/do threesomes and have open marriages that can probably help. I couldn’t do it myself, I am one of those bad, selfish wives who doesn’t bring women home so my H can have sex with them. 😉. I have never been in a threesome at all, I’m just not wired that way. My only advice would be to not do anything that makes you uncomfortable and keep communications open so you’re both on the same page. That’s the best I can really do.


I appreciate your insight on this matter.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


You may love your husband, but you are not “in love with him.”

A woman who is actually in love with her husband, is sexually attracted and desires him as a man, and respects him as a man and a husband - is not drawn to this kind of thing.

What you’re doing is stupid and destructive, as clearly evidenced by what has already happened with the first guy.

Not trying to be purposefully harsh here, but just FYI, almost no one respects a cuckold. No one respects a man who allows this kind of thing in his marriage. 

Who’s idea was this in the first place?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There are a number of points from an outsider's view that need to be made.

I find that most males in a marriage that claim to be bi are actually latent homosexuals. You need to explore this with your husband - he may actually be gay and having a hard time coping with accepting it. If not, why does he not want a threesome with another woman? How would you feel about that?

Why are you married to your husband? Are you actually attracted to him or does he offer some kind of safety/stability? You need to be honest with yourself here. Also are you more attracted to these other guys than your husband? Why would you never leave your husband? Would these other men offer you marriage or a stable relationship? Are they married?

Do these men do things with or for you that either you do not do with your husband or can not do with your husband?

Are children involved in this situation? Does anyone have children? What would happen if you got pregnant from any of these other guys?

In order to open up marriages you need to be in an extra strong, honest, trusting and stable relationship with your husband. You are far from this and therefore playing with fire!

Depending on your (honest) answers to the above, the best advice may well be to call it a day and become single again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have no moral or religious issues with consensual nonmonogamy (many here do) and believe that for a few couples it can work and can be fun. 

However it is fraught with many minefields and pitfalls that everyone must be aware of going into it and navigate very carefully throughout. 

How much did you research this and discuss this and come up with ground rules and boundaries etc etc before inviting anyone into your marital bed? 

I have experience in swinging but it sounds like you two were looking to this to be more of some kind of bisexual polyamorous triad or something. 

It's one thing to have a fun 3-way on a saturday night and then send the 3rd on his way after you done with him. 

But to have an ongoing long term thing with 3 is a whole other plane of reality. It takes a very rare set of individuals that can do this on an ongoing basis for any length of time. It's not something that many people will be able to pull off for very long without someone getting the hibbee gibbees at some point. 

You may be better off finding a polyamory forum and discussing these issues there. There is one regular poster here @maquiscat that has had extensive experience in Polyamory but I have not seen him posting here in awhile. He may be able to offer some useful information. 

Otherwise, IMHO you may have already found what works for you - find someone that trips your triggers for awhile and when one or the other of you has had enough, thank them for their time and sportsmanship and send them on their way. 

Looking for a permanent MFM triad with two men that have any degree of heterosexuality at all is like looking for two needles in a field full of haystacks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good for the goose but not the gander. 3way gone wrong in reverse order if you ask me. He should be the one being apologetic.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My army 1SGT used to say this about threesomes:

"Get that **** out of your system before you're married".

Thar always stuck with me.

He and his wife just celebrated 41 years of marriage and are traveling the country together in an RV with their dog. They seem very happy so I assume he knows something about marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wifewithwoes said:


> His idea. *He said he wanted to watch after me* and him were done and then the 2 of them went on. *My H is bi.*





Wifewithwoes said:


> No not at all! *I would never leave my husband*, and he knows that.





Wifewithwoes said:


> No he is not, *he has thought about it but we agreed it would not be something done* without the others knowledge if not involvement.





Wifewithwoes said:


> No, he has not told me he doesn't want to do another MMF, *he says he's just working through his insecurities *but I'm fearful that it may make them worse. He told me today that when I ended things with the mutual friend that he feels *he is also partially missing out due to him having fun as well as me, and doesn't see why we shouldn't give it another shot.*


First of all, I think inviting another person into the marriage bed is a very dangerous game, that to pull off requires far more honesty, trust, and communications skills than I have or could ever dream to have. 

May I suggest that you and your H spend some time with a sex therapist prior to your next 3-some. I think that he really needs to understand just how much of a Voyeur he is, how much he trusts you, how confident he is in his own sexual abilities and how much he wants a bisexual experience. 

From your posts, it is clear that you enjoyed yourself and your concerns are just that he is a bit shaken that reality was kind of overwhelming. If that is the case, then by all means he needs to sort out his feelings. It is good that he has admitted this. Now he needs to sort those feelings out and a sex therapist could help the two of you sort them out.

Some sexual fantasies, should not become realities, unless everyone is really comfortable with themselves and what they want. Please also understand that MM sex is typically fairly risky sex from an STD standpoint. If you and your H do this again, get the two of you and the third tested and practice safe sex methods.

Since you say your marriage is your first priority, but that you really enjoyed your MFM and flirting with another guy, I assume that you are good to go, if your husband is ready to do it again. You may want to consider how you might feel if in your next MFM, the two guys really got off on doing each other and you were the voyeur in an MMF. Perhaps you really need to discuss boundaries with your H. Perhaps you need to role play things until you better test some of his and your hidden emotions and fears.

Good luck. Not my thing, but others seem to make it work.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


Adultry is wrong, no matter if approved by spouse or not.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wifewithwoes said:


> His idea. He said he wanted to watch after me and him were done and then the 2 of them went on. My H is bi.


And you’re OK being married to a bi-sexual man, who wants to **** other men?
And is sort of, but not totally, ok with sharing you with another (preferably bi/gay) man, especially if he can **** the guy after?

This is the man that you love, are “in love with“ and respect as your husband and man?

I’m sorry but your entire marriage is a train wreck and not we’ll suited for success.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Wifewithwoes said:



My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.

Click to expand...

*Jesus, all this nonsense and resentment and anger and frustration you two are causing yourself because you need to have intercourse for so long that your husband felt the need to bring in a pinch hitter. But it went from you needing more than your husband could give you to an "otherwise dull bedroom life." Geez, that happened awful quickly.

What it REALLY sounds like is that you want a sanctioned *affair* with this latest 'catch' you've been flirting with. This isn't about a threesome where you all have your fun and you get that young stud "stamina" that you apparently have to have, and then send him on his way. What you're looking for is a boyfriend and all the excitement and romance that goes with it that eventually leads to sex - and you want your husband to agree to it and happily let it happen.

I think what your husband has discovered - and what you keep trying to GLOSS over - is that his desire "to watch" works better as a *fantasy* than reality for him.

But you go right ahead and keep selfishly sticking your hand in the fire.

Oh for god's sakes - I see much further into your thread you say your husband is bi and wants to go to town on the guy after you're done with him. That pretty much changes things, doesn't it?

I'm just going to say this is a complete trainwreck because you keep wanting to interject emotion into this thing, but maybe you two will eventually figure out how to successfully navigate your alternate lifestyle. Have fun.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’m sorry but your entire marriage is a train wreck and not we’ll suited for success.


But they both have something in common - they both like to get with other dudes. 

There are men that would give their right arm to be with a bisexual woman that would bring a parade of other women into the house to share. 

So while I’m sure there aren’t many women that would be ok with a bi dude, but there’s gotta to be a few out there, especially if they get to enjoy the attentions of the other men as well. 

If they both like to share other dudes, that gives them something in common. It’s just a matter of recognizing and complying with each other’s comfort zones and boundaries.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wifewithwoes said:


> The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life.



Im just throwing this out there as food for thought - any chance that the reason your bedroom life with just your husband is dull is because he’s just not into chicks that much?

If he is mostly on the gay end of the spectrum, that can effect the level of sexual chemistry and passion that he may have with a woman. 

A bisexual man may be sexually functional with a woman, but not really have the same level of desire, passion and intimacy that a heterosexual man would. 

Have you ever been with heterosexual men?


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## Wifewithwoes (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Im just throwing this out there as food for thought - any chance that the reason your bedroom life with just your husband is dull is because he’s just not into chicks that much?
> 
> If he is mostly on the gay end of the spectrum, that can effect the level of sexual chemistry and passion that he may have with a woman.
> 
> ...


Yes I have. Husband is the second openly bi male I have been with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Yes I have. Husband is the second openly bi male I have been with.


Do you think he may simply be more into guys more than girls?

A lot of bi/gay men have married women over the years to try to fit into a societal norm and expectation but their actual sexual desire leans towards men. 

Do you think the reason your private sex life is lackluster and his willingness to outsource your sexual needs is he because he isn’t really up to the task of taking care of a women and he likes having other men coming into the bedroom?

And the big question is whether this will be sustainable for you long term?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


So my take on your situation is this is basically a an amplified and overt form of the “Alpha phuks/Beta Bucks” mating strategy which actually plays out in millions of households all over the world - it is just done clandestinely without the husband’s or BF’s knowledge and consent. 

What I’m seeing here is a good companionate domestic relationship with someone who is a good domestic partner and probably shares an appreciation for decorative pillows and makes a great creme brûlée, but doesn’t really light your fire in the bedroom and often leaves you hanging and dissatisfied. 

So you turn to pinch hitters who are outsourced to take care of your sexual needs and stoke your sexual fires. 

This in and of itself is not rare, millions of women throughout the world do it…. They just do it on the down low. 

What makes your situation less common is both of you have embraced it as a lifestyle choice and something that you have discussed and adapted overtly. 

In some ways it may even be a bit symbiotic in that I suspect your H may tend towards the homosexual end of the spectrum than you or even he himself give him credit. As such, bringing other men into the bedroom is enticing and stimulating for him as well. 

The issue is the very normal response of insecurity and fear of one’s mate falling for another. 

No one is completely free of that or can be completely free of it. It’s something that we all have to manage and mitigate. 

The standard traditional means of managing and mitigating the feelings of insecurity and jealousy and fear of loss as it relates to contact with other people is through rigid monogamy. 

The means of trying to keep one’s mate to one’s self in a world with 4 billion members of the opposite sex is to draw a line in the sand and say “DON’T!!!!” 

Does that system work all the time? If it did, there would be no cheating and no leaving for others in the world. 

But does having some form of open “arrangement” alleviate those concerns or prevent cheating or leaving for others? No it doesn’t. It is simply another management and mitigation style that works better for some than rigid, enforced monogamy.

Each couple will have to determine their own means and methods for dealing with things like desire and attractions and such.

Having a quasi bisexual, nonmonogamous dynamic like this “can” work IMHO. But it will take a lot of communication and a lot of compassion and respect for boundaries and comfort zones. 

….and IMHO it will likely never be a permanent harmonious triad. 

You’d be able to pull it off longer than if it were two hetero dudes. But even bisexual males will eventually butt heads at some point. The more hetero a guy is, the more he will want his own chick.

A hetero or primarily hetero bisexual male will be perfectly happy to come in and pinch hit for awhile. But after having some jollies for awhile, he will either want the female to himself or he will say thanks for the fun and go off to find his own mate.

Only the most desperate and unable to secure their own mate will remain in a MMF triad indefinitely. 

So the big question is whether you can sustain within a relationship with a bisexual male that does not sexually satisfy you, and a parade of other male pinch hitters taking care of your sexual needs? 

A homosexual /bisexual man can entertain a parade of men until he dies. 

A heterosexual man can entertain an endless parade of women until he does.

But the question is can YOU sustain that dynamic for a length of time, or will you eventually need to acquire a mate that is good in both the sexual domain as well as the domestic domain?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Yes I have. Husband is the second openly bi male I have been with.


Why do you think your husband chose a woman for a spouse, instead of a man?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wonder if he was hoping the guy would participate with him if he lured him over there and then is disappointed that he didn't.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Does this thread even belong on an infidelity forum? Fidelity didn't seem to be the goal of the OP, but how to properly swing. I haven't looked, by I imagine there are some swinger forums out there that might be more instructive to the OPs hedonistic lifestyle.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I have no moral or religious issues with consensual nonmonogamy (many here do) and believe that for a few couples it can work and can be fun.
> 
> However it is fraught with many minefields and pitfalls that everyone must be aware of going into it and navigate very carefully throughout.
> 
> ...


Thanks for tagging me. I'll look at the thread tonight or tomorrow. I've been busy with home repairs and still moving in after a year.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wifewithwoes said:


> Backstory: my H of 5 years and I recently tried to have a triad with a mutual male friend of ours. I was very much into it and enjoyed the situation. H was perfectly fine with it in the beginning but as time went on, maybe 2 months, he started getting jealous of the flirting and comments. In the bedroom my H started having performance issues and stated he didn't know why then later admitted it was because he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied. Never the case, I just enjoy intercourse a lot and Stamina wise he feels he cannot keep up so we thought it would be a good work around while we also were looking for another to share our lives with and my H 'likes to watch'. He became so jealous and insecure that he had me break things off with our friend. Which is completely fine, my marriage is my number one priority. My H has a coworker that constantly flirts with me and my H has encouraged me to return the flirting. H is not showing any ki ds of jealousy over this (although he didn't in the beginning of the first one either).
> My issue is, and I feel horrible for this, I enjoy the flirting with the coworker and am starting to want more than just flirting. The experience with the 3 of us when it was with our mutual friend was quite exhilarating and definitely spiced up our otherwise dull bedroom life. I don't know how to feel about this. Any insight would be helpful.


So I read the whole of the thread, and I hope that I can offer you advice from my nearly quarter of a century of experience in Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). I will tell you, as you have already experienced, that a lot here will be telling you that this kind of thing can never work and you are wrong for even thinking about this, yet alone trying it. Thankfully you have seen others who are more open minded even if they themselves have determined that ENM is not for them. Anything that anyone tells you is an absolute in how you are supposed to conduct your marriage and whether or not you are disgracing, dishonoring or disanything it, is coming from bias of their own making. There is no one true way. Your marriage is between you, your spouse or spouses, and your deity if you have one. Their deity and rules do not matter to your marriage. Their social rules do not matter to your marriage. Their definitions do not matter to your marriage. Keep that in mind.

I find it a good thing that you and your husband came to this together, and not as one wanting to impose this on the other and the other just going along. Feel free to correct me, but as I am reading this, you are currently swinging/in an open relationship (depending on how you want to define those terms), but you are hoping to find a long term polyamourous situation as well. I also find it very good that when your husband felt the feelings you describe, he came to you instead of hiding them and letting the resentment build.



> he didn't want to think about me going to another guy if I wasn't satisfied.


This is a very common fear even among the poly. It's part of the myth that society has built that one person should be able to satisfy all your needs and wants. But in the end if that were true, then one child should be enough, and one friend should be enough. For that matter, if your spouse is fulfilling all your needs and wants, why do you need a friend or several friends? Reality is, no one person can satisfy all our wants and needs. Now maybe you can find someone who can fill most of them, and you can live without the others. Maybe your friends fill the rest. Of course in that one idea, comes many misunderstanding of affairs that never actually happen. Now we would all like to think that we are the best there is, at least for our mate(s). But in that we push our expectations of ourselves beyond our limits. Yes we can work to expand our limits and always improve ourselves. But in trying to be the best, we often berate ourselves for not being at the level we want to be, instead of working towards that level.

You mentioned that your husband was bi, and wanted to be with other men as well as you being able to be with other men. So ask him if he feels not satisfied with you since he wants another person? I'm willing to bet he will say that such is not the case. You can then assure him that such is not the case with you. Being satisfied with what you have doesn't mean that you can't enjoy more. At the most it means that if you don't get more, that's not a big deal. You can be satisfied with going to Hershey Park, and still want to go to Disney World. Or even vice versa. One isn't necessarily better than the other, only different. Also, one should not mistake New Relationship Energy (NRE) with long term satisfaction or commitment. Think about what it is like when you get a new game or a new hobby. You tend to spend a lot more time with the new one until it settles in and then the old ones come back and the attention is more spread out.



Wifewithwoes said:


> No not at all! I would never leave my husband, and he knows that.


This is common. The thing is, although his head knows it, his heart isn't so sure, or maybe the other way around. It becomes a conflict in someone. So while he might know it, he is still having doubts. Especially if he feels he is losing his "edge". I am one of the lucky ones. Not only do my wives continue to show me how much they desire me, I have other woman who show their interest in me, whether or not I take them up on it. This doubt might be enhanced if the men flirting with you, are not also doing the same with him. No matter how much a person is dedicated to their spouse or SO, they still want to feel like they are wanted. Even if they would turn down any and all advances, somewhere inside them, it feels good to be desired. So this might be an area where you need to find out how he's feeling. He might need to find out how he's feeling in this area. We are good at hiding things from ourselves sometimes.



Wifewithwoes said:


> No he is not, he has thought about it but we agreed it would not be something done without the others knowledge if not involvement.


It seems to me so far that what you two have done is share a person, not had your side activities. The problem with looking for a third as a couple is that you tend to do what is known as "unicorn hunting". Now typically this refers to a couple who seeks a bisexual female as their third, with the idea that said third would enjoy the couple equally. But unicorn can apply to a bisexual male as well, or if you prefer, dragon is also a common term for the male. The problem with this is that it would be very hard to find someone that will be equally compatible with both of the couple. Odds are that the third person will lean more towards one than the other of the couple. Now if you go into this expecting such, couples typically do a lot better. Sometimes, they find two different people to be the regular thirds; each having one that leans more towards them, even as they still get along and are with both. If you are alright with it, make sure he knows that he can find a guy for him as long as you are aware. Or that the one that you both have, can have alone time with him if you are not in the mood to join in or he's just wanting male only sex. For the threesome to work as a, relative at least, long term, you can't expect to always have all three in the mood and wanting both the others. Sometimes one on one with the third is all that is desired, and that is alright.



Wifewithwoes said:


> No, he has not told me he doesn't want to do another MMF, he says he's just working through his insecurities but I'm fearful that it may make them worse. He told me today that when I ended things with the mutual friend that he feels he is also partially missing out due to him having fun as well as me, and doesn't see why we shouldn't give it another shot.


This is good. He is understanding that the issue is with him and is not blaming you for his insecurities. Now that doesn't mean problems can't arise out of that, but you at least know he is not going to blame you for things not your fault. But unless he can get over the idea that he is not satisfying you, then this problem will probably arise again. He needs to know fully that he is not in danger of losing you. Yes you have made it clear you won't leave him, but there is still that internal conflict in him.

One of the risks that is always a part of swinging/open relationship is the chance of developing feeling for your other partners. However, as noted, it seems that you two are open (no puns intended) to polyamory as well, and maybe even polygamy on a social and/or religious level. As long as you are aware of that possibility and keep on communicating as you have been you should be able to make this work. Even if making it work is you two deciding to leave it at monogamy. Just keep in mind that finding a absolutely compatible partner to you both is hard and rare. And that is fine. In my marriage, my husband and I are not sexually attracted to each other, and he and the woman I am legally married to are not sexually attracted to each other. One wife is sexually attracted to the other, but it is not reciprocated. And yet it works as a marriage for us. Of course part of it is refusing to adhere to stereotypes of what a marriage should be. Ultimately, even in many monogamous marriages, the two are not absolutely compatible. But the key is does the marriage/relationship work?

Hopefully this has been helpful. Feel free to ask questions either here or you can PM me if you prefer. Good luck.


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