# cheaters, did you feel better after confesing?



## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

Im curiuos to know for those whove cheated, did you feel better or worse after confessing?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife says it was a huge weight lifted off of her to tell me. Her conscience was killing her!


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> My wife says it was a huge weight lifted off of her to tell me. Her conscience was killing her!


Thats good for her but how did you feel?! Glad to know or wish she hadnt told?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Most will say they want to know for all of the obvious reasons, but read the forums read the pain, the hate, the lack of trust, the months or years it took for recovery and that's if recovery happened at all.

If your marriage is solid and you or your spouse just screwed up deal with it. If the marriage is already crap and this was just the latest in a series of things gone wrong confessing may be the final straw in either breaking or fixing the marriage.

Reiterate read about the pain in many cases it's much better to not know regardless if you want to know or not!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I wanted to know. My wife held out. I analyze every word. Maybe not immediately but things come to me later. My wife told me she "only kissed a guy" and that "he was probably a virgin". After several weeks of pondering that statement, I couldn't help but think that she used the word "was" as in he is no longer a virgin so she must have f&%#ed him! Also, what relevance was the fact that he was a virgin. It just didn't add up. So I kept at her until she confessed. 

Also, keeping quiet may not be good, because the truth always comes out. Someone finds out and feels obligated to "spill the beans". It's never good to hear from someone else. 

The fortune cookie quote that I carry around in my wallet says "The truth is always bearable when told with compassion."


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

RWB, I hear ya 100%, but it happens. I don't know what your lifestyle is like when you travel for work I've seen the strongest "oak of a man" be tested. It's not hard out when the higher ups start flirting, drinking, and throwing around the cash if your in that mix it can be hard to stop the train once it's in motion. 

I do hear what you are saying though. In my head it's like finding out your cat was hit by a car vs your cat was shot with a pellet gun until it died or thrown in a bag and then in the trash can. One you get over pretty easy the other just pisses you off.

Since I've seen guys that were happilly married faulter not always sex, but fondling and kissing all I can say is it happens. In those instances I think telling would be a horrible mistake. Big difference between that and a longterm affair.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

RWB said:


> Amigo1, BTW, even thought my wife and 6 years and multiple affairs was hard crushing on are marriage, she was glad it was finally over and she could get out from under the trap of her affairs. When she finally told me the truth about everything, she knew that if may cost her everything, marriage, family, friends but she was willing to risk that to finally be honest with me. She had to come to the edge of the cliff to understand the importance of truth. It was the truth that was the turning point for me.


RWB, it must have taken her a lot of courage to tell you about that and I see your point about the marriage not being solid if there was unfaithfulness. How did the firends and family react, do they hate her now?


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Most will say they want to know for all of the obvious reasons, but read the forums read the pain, the hate, the lack of trust, the months or years it took for recovery and that's if recovery happened at all.
> 
> If your marriage is solid and you or your spouse just screwed up deal with it. If the marriage is already crap and this was just the latest in a series of things gone wrong confessing may be the final straw in either breaking or fixing the marriage.
> 
> Reiterate read about the pain in many cases it's much better to not know regardless if you want to know or not!


I agree, I think its sort of like telling an ugly person you think they are ugly. Its just mean and cruel. But I suppose its different for everyone and I do think there are situations like you said, the marriage is in dire need of repair, you want out, or the person will find out anyway where its better to tell.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It is different for each person.

My wife was glad I let her tell me. Every time she wanted to talk about it I refused her. For years I didn't give a sh*t. It showed her I started caring about the marriage, and more importantly about her. 

And yes it did open up the marriage for the better. Some of her affairs were bandaids for my actions so there was guilt that she felt. But the ONS made her feel the worst, not only guilt but worthless and evil. She tells me I saved her, the last 3 years, she was getting very bad, if I didn't confront her something bad was going to happen to her. 

After years of neglegt, her emotions and feelings snowballed to a very ughly, dark and dangerous behavior.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

It does feel better when you're honest about cheating. Keeping it from the person you love is really difficult and it hurts them more if they find out how long you've been hiding it from them for. Best thing is to be completely honest even if it means losing them, they will still appreciate your honesty. Do it now, don't keep it from them any longer, it will hurt them more if you do.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

I wasn't honest when I cheated and the bloke was the love of my life and I ended up losing him for good. Now I regret not telling him because I love him so much and he won't be with me again.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's not a question about feeling better or worse.
It's a question about you want to solve your marriage problems or leave them alone and wait to see them getting rotten.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I wasn't honest when I cheated and the bloke was the love of my life and I ended up losing him for good. Now I regret not telling him because I love him so much and he won't be with me again.


So what happened, you told him and he just broke it off? Wont he go to counseling with you?


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

the guy said:


> It is different for each person.
> 
> My wife was glad I let her tell me. Every time she wanted to talk about it I refused her. For years I didn't give a sh*t. It showed her I started caring about the marriage, and more importantly about her.
> 
> ...


Thats great, Im glad you guys are working it out. Do you think youve forgiven her?


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## AeroXlll (Nov 25, 2010)

I already knew about my w's affair but had to let it continue so that I could get deffinative physical evidence to confront her with. I think that was the hardest thing was have proof of the affair, confronting her about the affair numerous times, and having her denie it everytime until I showed her proof. When she finally started to come clean it did help me, because I had been blaming myself for her actions.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> Im curiuos to know for those whove cheated, did you feel better or worse after confessing?


I kind of agree with MsLonely--it's not a matter of feeling "better" or "worse" so much as it's a matter of facing things and doing something to fix it. For example, during the affair the fact is that most Disloyals actually had wanted their Loyal Spouse to "do that" (whatever it is) for a long time! So the person they really want is the LS. When the LS doesn't hear it or won't do it...eventually someone comes along who WILL and then the Disloyal ends up feeling sort of good (loved, appreciated, noticed, etc.) but also feeling sick over doing what they know is wrong! 

So yep, it feels "better" to finally stop doing what you know is wrong, but it feels horrible to have to bring up and face some seriously painful truths in the marriage. If both people stop "pretending" it's okay and actually face it and work on it--it can really heal the marriage...and that feels "better." If one continues to avoid the problems or just blames the other, that feels "worse."


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> For example, during the affair the fact is that most Disloyals actually had wanted their Loyal Spouse to "do that" (whatever it is) for a long time! So the person they really want is the LS. When the LS doesn't hear it or won't do it...eventually someone comes along who WILL and then the Disloyal ends up feeling sort of good (loved, appreciated, noticed, etc.) but also feeling sick over doing what they know is wrong!


OMG....this is exactly what my husband was doing....

He's been battling an ulcer and kidney stones ever since he's asked for the divorce....he got into this EA because she made him feel good and gave him all the sex talk he needed, but he knows it's wrong and it made him sick.....


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> So what happened, you told him and he just broke it off? Wont he go to counseling with you?


Well, He found out and I admitted it, and he left me, we've tried talking about it but it just ends up in an argument, :-(, I just want him back but I really don't know what to do, I love him so much,:-(.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> Well, He found out and I admitted it, and he left me, we've tried talking about it but it just ends up in an argument, :-(, I just want him back but I really don't know what to do, I love him so much,:-(.


Well maybe theres still hope, maybe he will come around eventually, best of luck to you!


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> Thats good for her but how did you feel?! Glad to know or wish she hadnt told?


I also would like an answer to this if you would. I am doing all in my will and power to get my wife to come clean but she doesn't want to talk about the EA. I wonder after all this if I get her to talk, whether it will make any difference in my bitter thoughts.

Thanks,
M.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

May I point out a couple of things?



> I also would like an answer to this if you would.


This is a query to the comment: 

_"...Thats good for her but how did you feel?! Glad to know or wish she hadnt told?..."_

The answer to this question is most likely irrelevant, because it is asking another person what kind of emotional response they experienced as a result of something that happened _ to them_. That is entirely dependent upon the intellectual state of the person experiencing the emotion - this differs for everyone. Just because it makes someone happy or sad, frustrated or relieved, in no way means you will experience the same emotion! 



> I am doing all in my will and power to get my wife to come clean but she doesn't want to talk about the EA.


This is the danger of the issue: it becomes a battle of 'will and power' (normally stated 'willpower'). This is a battle of wills, and most likely the desired end is not growth in the marriage relationship, but the chance to say "I won!" And both partners are fighting to win the battle. 

This is not growth toward a healthy marriage. When you can find ways to work _together_ you will find that she will be more open to difficult questions, and her answers will be much more forthcoming when there is no longer a battle of wills in the works.



> I wonder after all this if I get her to talk, whether it will make any difference in my bitter thoughts.


This is the big question! On top of that: what if she DOES decide to give you some facts: how will you know it is ALL of them? How will you know they are correct in _any_ fashion? Maybe she'll just get sick of your cross-examination and agree to whatever you ask of her? Suppose she just lets you supply the 'facts' and she agrees to them? _How will you ever know?_

If you state that you'll 'feel' that it is the right answer, then how do you know that this isn't just you fulfilling the necessary criteria (through the use of your spouse) that you have determined will bring about a positive emotional state for you - regardless of reality?

You have no way to tell the truth without witnesses verifying the situation. 

Not unless you have created an environment _together with your wife_ in which you have both established safety and trust. And it may take some time, and it may take some acceptance of smaller, less important facts before dealing with the bigger ones.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> May I point out a couple of things?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


As always, thank you, Tanelornpete.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> Well maybe theres still hope, maybe he will come around eventually, best of luck to you!


Thank you so much..


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

I like what your saying, Tanelornpete, I totally agree, how do ever really know what the truth is, answer is you cant unless you were actually there. Even when we retell things, we often forget details or screw up the story.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

I think it is something that should be considered before going into the affair. Nothing good can ever come of one, and I think that if you absolutely can't control yourself, it should only be with someone that you will be leaving your spouse for. It is unfair to expect your spouse to find out (by confessing or otherwise) and to still love you and want to stay. Tell them if you want out, and if it is just going to be a one night stand and you have no intention of leaving your spouse for this other person - don't do it. 

Just my opnion.


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## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

Very, very, well put. I totally agree.


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