# Can't get over past issues



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Me and my husband had a little bit of a rough start toward the beginning of our relationship and even though things are mostly better now, I can't seem to get over some of our past issues. He is 10 years older than me. He had gotten married before when he was about 22. It only lasted 4 or 5 years. They didn't have kids or anything. It wasn't long after the divorce when we met. She was pretty much his first serious relationship and I think he ended up asking her to marry him after just a year of dating. So my husband and I started out just talking to each other online. At first I don't think he was really looking to get into another relationship so soon but that's what it turned into. It didn't take long before we realized we had a lot in common and we really enjoyed talking to each other. 

Eventually he started visiting me which I guess is when we officially started dating. He would come to see me usually a few days out of every month. During this time, things were going great. It felt like a fairy tale to me. He was the first guy I'd ever dated and I would have never guessed that I would be lucky enough to find the guy that I wanted to marry without having to go through a ton of other guys first. It just felt right. He was older than me so of course he was a lot more mature than guys my age, he treated me with respect, I loved that he was so caring and compassionate. He had a home and a stable good paying job. Everything was perfect about him as he seemed to love me just as much as I loved him.

We had both even talked about marriage and that we both could see ourselves marrying one another. The first time that he came to visit me he even gave me a promise ring... Which to me was basically him showing his commitment to me, leading me to believe that the next step would probably be an engagement ring. Even though I loved mostly everything about him, the fact that he had been married before did bother me, even though he told me that if he had known he was going to meet someone like me, he would have never married her and he would have just waited for me. He would tell me not to compare myself to her but I guess I was so insecure I couldn't help it. I would imagine what their wedding was like, how he proposed to her, etc...

I think I would have wanted to marry my husband anyway but the fact that he had been married before made me want to marry him even more. I know this isn't normal but it's like I was in competition with her. After he had been seeing each other for about a year, I couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore and I hated only seeing him a few days every month so I decide to move. It was very difficult on my parents because I was their only daughter and they didn't want to see me go. As a matter of a fact they're never had to experience any of their kids move out. I have 2 brothers who are in their 30s and still live with them. I think if it was up to them none of their kids would ever leave. Despite how devastating it was for them, I left anyway because I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he was the most important thing to me. 

At first my parents were being overprotective as usual and didn't want to give him a chance even though he gave them no reason not to. I finally pretty much forced them to meet him because I knew if they met him just once they'd see he's not who they thought he was. I was right, they met him once and they thought he was great. But then when I started talking about moving, they started trying to do all they could to get me to stay. They even tried introducing me to other guys and trying to break me and my husband (my boyfriend then) up. They tried to make it extremely difficult for me to move, they wouldn't let me take my car with me (which they supposedly bought for me) and they were just making everything so stressful and complicated. At one point I got so frustrated with them that I thought it would be easier to just do what they wanted, and I ended up telling my boyfriend that I thought it would be better if we just started seeing other people because it wasn't going to work. He was very upset and said he didn't want to see other people. Apparently that wasn't really what I wanted either because it wasn't too long after that when I moved to be with him. I got to a point where I decided I wasn't going to let me parents ruin it for me and that I'd do whatever I had to do. I thought moving to be with him despite all the hell my parents put me through would be enough to show him that I truly was committed to him.

Well after I moved, that's when things got a little rough. I ended up finding some old wedding pictures from when he was married before (after he told me he had gotten rid of them) and they just made me more jealous and insecure. It wasn't long after this when I started pushing marriage a lot. We had been dating for a little over a year and I moved 400 miles away to be with him. I wondered what more I had to do to prove to him that I was serious. I would always compare myself to his ex and I'd think "by the time they were dating this long he had already proposed to her. Why am I not good enough? Why was he so quick to marry her and not as quick to marry me?". Months and months went by of me asking when it was going to happen. It got to the point where I didn't even want to think about it because it just made me feel hurt. 

I ended up telling him that if he didn't propose soon that I was moving on. I know I was young and everyone says you have plenty of time to get married, but they way I see it when you meet someone that you feel is right for you, why wouldn't you be in a rush to marry them? You should be ecstatic to get married, you shouldn't be putting it off. As long as you're stable and can take on the financial responsibilities of marriage I see no reason why you'd want to waste time... And I refused to let anyone waste my time. He would always use the excuse that he was just trying to think of a special way to propose to me and that he wanted to be creative but does it really take that long to figure out a special way to propose? I never bought it and I always thought he was just putting it off. Finally he did end up proposing but then the problem was that he was hesitant to set a date. And he didn't really want to help me with any of the arrangements like the cake, flowers, etc... He just seemed uninterested. Nearly a year after we got engaged we got married. 

The problem is that even though things have been much better since all of this, I seem to still be bothered by some of our past issues. I have some resentment toward his dad because he used to live with my husband. He offered to let him stay there because he had just went through a bad divorce and he was supposedly paying so much child support that he couldn't afford his own place. So my husband being the generous guy that he is, let his dad stay with him and didn't make him pay any rent or bills. He had been there for a couple years when I moved in. I didn't care that much, I just wanted him to be gone by the time we were married and my husband even agreed that it would be best if he left by that time. I think it's fine to want to help your parents but he had helped plenty already and I just feel that it's best for a newly married couple to have their own space. I feel that if I was in my husbands place and he had moved to another state to be with me, I would have told my dad to leave, that is if my dad didn't volunteer to leave on his own.

I would think that most parents would assume that their newly married son/daughter and their spouse would want their own space. Instead I had to pretty much force my husband to get his dad to leave. The whole time we were engaged I would ask "is your dad looking into other options as to where he can live yet? He knows we are getting married and we both agreed we want our own space once we are married". He would say "we don't even have a date set yet. He doesn't know when we are going to get married". But yet he was so hesitant to set a date and it took forever to finally agree on one. Even after we did set a date, he still wouldn't talk to him about it. He just kept telling me things to appease me for the time and literally waited until a week AFTER we came back from our honeymoon to sit his dad down and talked to him. Shortly after, his dad did leave and move in with someone else but I was hoping he would have left a bit sooner. Who wants to come home from their wedding or their honeymoon to their father In law sitting on the couch? Not very intimate or romantic if you ask me. 

He later admitted that he didn't want to talk to his dad about moving because he was hoping I'd eventually shut up about it and be ok with it. It upset me because I felt like he was putting his dad before me. Why didn't HE want our own space as much as I did? He told me that he did but apparently he wasn't being 100% honest. And it also made me resentful toward his dad that it had to come to that point. I didn't know why he didn't leave on his own. Clearly he could tell that I wasn't thrilled with him being there. Like I said I'm all for helping parents but he's a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself and figuring out other options which is exactly what he did. At some point I think you have to let your parents worry about themselves and start a worrying about what's best for you and your marriage.

The problem is, even though his dad is gone, I still have some bad feelings toward him and every now and then I will make a negative remark about him in front of my husband. I know this is wrong and I should be able to get over the past but for some reason I can't. My husband did get his dad to leave and I did get what I wanted but it just bothered me how it happened. It made me feel like he cared more about his dad than what was best for us. He looks at it more like I just care about myself and that once you get married that I think you should just say "screw you" to your family if they need help. That's not the case. I think you can help them but not to to the point where it's interfering with your marriage.

Last night we were talking and I finally got him to admit that the reason he was hesitant about marriage was because he didn't feel it was the right time. He says you can meet the right person but that doesn't mean that it's he right time to marry them. Plus the fact that I was young, he thought I might change my mind or that maybe I didn't know for sure what I wanted. And apparently the one time that I told him that we should see other people really stuck with him, even though I only said it out of frustration and I obviously didn't mean it. Personally I think he feels that he got married too soon before and he feared making the same mistake. He was also taking anti depressants around the time we got married so he says that being depressed and not being right in the head also played a part in all of this. I just can't help but to look back and think of how forced everything was. Why did I have to pressure him to make his dad move or why did I have to threaten to leave if he didn't propose? Why didn't HE want to marry me as much as I did him? I just don't understand the whole " the time wasn't right" thing. How can I help to get over the past and just be happy with the way things are now? Do you think two people aren't meant to be married if one has to threaten the other? I have a million things running through my head and I just want to be able to move on. Sometimes I feel insecure and I doubt his feelings for me and I think it stems from some of the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship, such as the whole marriage thing. 

I know this is long and some people will probably tell me I was wrong for pressuring him but I'd rather have done that than to have someone waste my time. Any input at all would be great.
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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Anyone??
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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You resent him for not leaping to marry you and kicking his dad out. He resents you for pressuring him to marry you and basically holding the threat of breaking up and seeing other people over his head to make him do what you wanted. 

You're really pushy and he's too weak to stand up to you overtly. He is showing you that he will agree with you out loud to keep you happy but will drag his feet and demonstrate how he really feels with his behaviour. 

I don't know what to tell you. You don't sound anywhere near mature or intuitive enough to deal with someone like this successfully.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm not going to deny that I'm maybe a little immature but I do think I've matured somewhat in the past few years. I was only 19 when I got married and I'm 23 now. For example, I don't really compare myself to his ex anymore and I've kind of just accepted that it's part of his past. It's nothing that an be changed and she means nothing to him anymore so it's pointless to be jealous. But at the time, I didn't think I was being overly jealous or immature at all. I will admit though that I'm probably still somewhat immature. Maturity comes with age and experience. At the time I met my husband I was young and I had no experience in anything really. 

I don't know if I agree with the intuitive part. When he was making up excuses as to why he hadn't proposed or why he hadn't made his dad move, I think deep down, my intuition was telling me something wasn't right and he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I think that's why I never dropped it and would keep bringing it up. 

Put yourself in my place. If you moved that far away to be with someone and then they seemed hesitant to marry you despite the fact that they had previously talked about marriage before, wouldn't you take it personally? I know pressuring him wasn't a good idea on my part either but it's not like I just came out of nowhere and said "marry me now or I'm gone!". This was something that we had talked about before.. He gave me the impression that he was very interested in marrying me and loved me very much. But then I move to be with him and suddenly he starts acting like there's no big rush. If he had have told me to start with something like "sure I want to get married but not anytime soon" then we would have been on the same page to start with and there would have been no confusion. In that case I might have asked "ok how long do you have in mind?" And if I felt that it was an unreasonable amount of time, I might have just moved on and tried to find someone who shared the same desires and wants as me. But instead I feel like he wasn't totally honest and he just kind of strung me along so he wouldn't lose me. I think that's wrong. He should have been honest but instead I feel like he has just always told me what I want to hear to temporarily solve the issue. It's much better to just say what's on your mind to start with so the issue can be solved from the start instead of dragging it out.

Do you think I'm wrong in feeling like he cared more about his dad than me? Anytime I say anything about his dad, his response is always "but that's my dad!". I'm so sick of hearing that. I feel like saying yes he is your dad and you're his son which means he's supposed to love and care about you as much as you do about him. So you shouldn't be afraid to ask him to leave! If he cares about what's best for you and your relationship as much as you do about him, he will completely understand and he will just be grateful that you've helped him as much as you could. This was another situation where he strung me along to avoid losing me instead of being honest. Had he have just said from the beginning "I care more about helping my dad than doing what you think is best for us" then I probably would have said well then you go be with daddy and I hope you two are very happy together! Good riddance. But that wasn't the case, he was dishonest, hoping I'd just forget about the whole thing and everything would be fine. 

So if you ask me, I think if he resents for pressuring him into doing things, he kind of brought it on himself. He was the one who said he would do certain things and didn't follow through. Of course I'm going to pressure him.... Had he said how he really felt, there would have been no pressure because most likely I would have just left and not wasted my time. Agree or disagree? 

It just bothers me because I always dreamed of the day someone asked me to marry them and I thought it would be this amazing special thing and that I'd be so shocked. It was still special but I can't say I was that shocked.... Instead it was more like gee it's about time. Obviously he did marry me but it would have been nice if he had have been a little more enthusiastic about it. Do you think I'll eventually get over it? Because some of this stuff happened years ago and I still think about it. And do you really think that he just didn't feel it was the right time or do you think he was unsure that I was the one for him?
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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

You are young, I can understand his hesitance in asking you to get married, I can understand your parents issues as well. I also know how annoying it can be to be told you are young and don't know anything.

I married at 19, and being honest, the only person I thought about at that age was me. I had no understanding of how my behaviour and actions impacted on other people, especially my husband. I considered that I was right all of the time. It has been a long and rocky road to get to nearly 26 years of marriage.

I suggest that to avoid another divorce in your husband's life that you both go to marriage counselling to learn about the other's needs and desires in a safe environment. There you may also learn how to focus on what is important and put aside your past issues. Too many women focus on the proposal and the wedding, without realising a marriage takes far more work than either of those events.

If you won't go to counselling, do yourself a favour and read some books on men and women, attempt to understand your husband, not change him into what you think you need. I'm sorry, but all I see ahead of you at the moment is heartache unless you can learn. I know, because I was just like you many years ago.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Each and every action has a consequence. You are learning that now unfortunately. 

You are young, impulsive and lack patience when it comes to something you desire.

You got everything you wanted but its not as fulfilling as you thought it would be is it?

So sorry you are here.

You're so young.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

He actually asked me yesterday when we were talking about this if we need to go to counseling. I guess he's noticing that there are certain issues that keep coming up that I can't seem to get over and he's getting tired of talking about them. I just always thought that as soon as I got him to marry me and take care of the dad situation, everything would be perfect but it's not. It's not really as enjoyable getting married if you feel like you had to threaten them into it. The other day I made a comment about his dad and he got really defensive and angry just like he always does when it comes to his dad, and he asked me "why do you love talking crap about my dad?". I thought about it and I think it's because I still feel threatened by his dad.... Because at one time I felt like he cared more about him than me. That really hurt considering I did pretty much anything and everything to be with him and make him happy, even if it meant making my parents unhappy by moving away. 

Again, if my age was a main concern for the hesitance to me, I don't know why he didn't say that to start with. Actually from what I remember, when we first very started talking, I told him that I never really picture myself getting married until at least early or mid twenties... Because people need time to get experience so they don't settle down with one person and feel that they missed out . I remember him saying something like "I don't think it matters. I don't think you'd feel like you were missing out on anything if you found the right person."

Turns out he was right because the more I got to know him, I realized he was the right person and I didn't see the need to get experience with anyone else. He seemed to feel the same until I moved and then it all changed. Maybe he really did feel the way that he said he did but then changed his mind... I wish he would have told me though. He could have said I'm concerning marrying you right now because of your age and then like I said, I would have asked him how much longer he wanted to wait, and I could have decided then if it was worth sticking around or not. 

I've really tried to understand him and why he does the things he does but for the most part I don't get it. I see no justification for being deceptive and just telling someone what they want to hear not do I think there's any excuse to continue helping a family member at the risk of damaging your marriage. I do think we will need additional help because it's been this long and I'm still not totally over any of this.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm sure at the time he thought what he was doing was right same as you thought pressuring him into marriage was right.

He's a human who makes mistakes same as you.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Each and every action has a consequence. You are learning that now unfortunately.
> 
> You are young, impulsive and lack patience when it comes to something you desire.
> 
> You got everything you wanted….I just hope it was worth it.


I may be young impulsive and impatient but one thing that I am is honest about my feelings. I can't say the same about my husband. He waited until AFTER we were married to tell me about his true feelings and why he did things the way that he did. My point is if he wanted someone older/more experienced than me and someone who wouldn't mind having "daddy" as a roommate for the rest of their life, he would have been better off to have just told me that so that we both could have found someone more compatible for each other. Instead he would just tell me whatever he could thing of to shut me up for the time being and then he would wait until I was at my breaking point until he would do what I wanted. I'm confused to be honest and I don't know if it was worth it or not. I love my husband and I want it to last but like I said, it clear we are going to need some help so I can get over this:
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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he discovered after living with you that you needed to grow up some before he married you and that's why he was slow to propose. It's entirely possible he thought he was ready until you moved in and he decided otherwise. So your intuition wasn't necessarily wrong. But pressuring him wasn't the solution. What you should have done was leave. But perhaps you didn't want your parents telling you that they told you so. 

Men don't communicate the way women do. Some don't communicate at all. And his parents are always going to be extremely important to him. He didn't want to have to ask his dad to leave. So he didn't propose when you thought he should and he stalled about his dad. In the grand scheme of things you are far more fortunate than most people here. 

You'll get over it if you choose to. Holding resentments is not good for you or for your husband. Let it go. And read some books about marriage. They'll come in handy down the road.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Maybe he discovered after living with you that you needed to grow up some before he married you and that's why he was slow to propose. It's entirely possible he thought he was ready until you moved in and he decided otherwise. So your intuition wasn't necessarily wrong. But pressuring him wasn't the solution. What you should have done was leave. But perhaps you didn't want your parents telling you that they told you so.
> 
> Men don't communicate the way women do. Some don't communicate at all. And his parents are always going to be extremely important to him. He didn't want to have to ask his dad to leave. So he didn't propose when you thought he should and he stalled about his dad. In the grand scheme of things you are far more fortunate than most people here.
> 
> You'll get over it if you choose to. Holding resentments is not good for you or for your husband. Let it go. And read some books about marriage. They'll come in handy down the road.



Well I did threaten to leave. Had he have been a little more direct with me about how he was really feeling, I most likely would have. It is possible he could have started questioning whether I was mature enough or ready enough after I moved in. Although, now that I think about it, even a few months before I moved in, I remember asking him about it just to get an idea of when it might happen and he never had an answer. I remember the christmas before I moved in he was talking about taking me to the jewelry store to get me a "present". I got all excited thinking he was going to let me pick out an engagement ring and he denied it but I thought he was just trying to surprise me. Turns out I was wrong... So i think he actually was unsure of himself even a little before I moved in. I just tried not to make a big deal out of it because I just figured that he would do it sometime soon.... He kept telling me that he would but I started to realize that saying and doing are two different things.

And you're right. Part of me didn't want to go back home because I was so frustrated with my parents that the last thing I wanted to do was go live with them. And I didn't want to hear their crap about how they told me it wouldn't work. So they did play a part in why I wasn't quick to leave.

I realize his parents will always be extremely important to him but I think he needs to learn to set boundaries and to not let it get to the point where his parents are jeopardizing our relationship. I will go ahead and tell you, he does far more for his parents than they do for him. And he acts like he's obligated to do anything and everything for them just because "that's my mom" or "that's my dad". Like I said, they should care about him as much as he does about them. So i feel like if they want him to do something for them and he lets them know that he's not comfortable doing it and that it's causing conflict in his life, as a loving parent, they should tell him they understand. Maybe he thinks they won't understand and that's why he can't ever say no to them... If that's the case then they must not care too much about him so why should he be bending over backwards to please them? I do realize I'm more fortunate than a lot of people here and I'm thankful for that... But my marriage definitely still has room for improvement. I just hope you're right and that I will eventually be able to move on. 
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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Should isn't something I think about much. Yes, maybe he should have been more upfront with you, but equally you should have realised that marrying someone who wasn't 100% into the idea would be a problem later. 

And he didn't want to ask his dad to move out. So he was torn between trying to keep you happy and doing what he wanted to do. So he vacillated. And it is your lack of understanding of these kinds of pretty normal motivators and human actions that signal your youth and lack of experience. 

That's the issue with getting married so young. It's not necessarily about choosing the wrong person - my husband and I got together at 18, although we didn't marry til 30. It's about lacking the necessary characteristics to make a successful marriage, some of which can and do come with age and experience. Not always of course, there are plenty of obtuse 40 year olds around. 

So try counselling, but if you can't let resentments go then that will end your marriage. And probably any other relationship you have in the future.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Should isn't something I think about much. Yes, maybe he should have been more upfront with you, but equally you should have realised that marrying someone who wasn't 100% into the idea would be a problem later.
> 
> And he didn't want to ask his dad to move out. So he was torn between trying to keep you happy and doing what he wanted to do. So he vacillated. And it is your lack of understanding of these kinds of pretty normal motivators and human actions that signal your youth and lack of experience.
> 
> ...


I understand and for the most part I agree with you. I don't see this working unless I can let some of this stuff go. If I was him and I had to keep hearing about issues of the past I would get pretty sick of it too. I think it's been going on for too long and it's time to do something about it. 

I am starting to understand that age does sometimes play a part in making a successful marriage. A few years ago I would have never said that. But I still think that anyone has the capability to save their marriage no matter how young or old as long as they're willing to admit their faults and try to work on it. I think a lot of people think it's easier to just move on and get with someone else. I don't think that way. I've always wanted it to work between us... That's why no matter how much crap I went through, I still kept hanging on. I always had hope that things would work between us.

Another thing I'm learning is that it's important to marry someone with a similar family background. My husband and I don't have that. My parents have been very financial stable all of my life and I've they've never had to ask me for anything. It's the other way around with his parents. They're the ones that always need his help... Which is fine, but like I said I think there should be boundaries. I figured once we got rid of his dad that I wouldn't have to deal with anymore family problems but again, I was naive and I was wrong. Now I'm starting to realize that if it's not his dad it's going to be his mom. He gave her $1000 a couple years ago because she was about to lose her house. She's not any better off now than she was then. Her SS stopped coming sometime earlier this year and since then she's had no income. She doesn't have a job and isn't looking. I don't even know how she still has her house or is able to pay her bills. I'm guessing she's getting money from other family members... I know her dad helped pay some of her bills at one time. Everytime we come over to visit her she sends my husband out to buy her cigarettes which I completely disagree with. It's not just about the money... A pack of cigarettes is only a few bucks. It's just I don't like to see his family taking advantage of him and besides all he's doing by buying them is contributing to her bad health. 

It's just a lot to deal with and it's not something I'm used to. So if by some chance something ever did happen between us (although I don't plan on it) I would definitely learn my lesson and get with someone who has a similar background. That's one good thing that comes with having experience... You learn what you like and don't like. You learn from your mistakes.
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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

This is just what I could understand of your posts, so here it goes...

Your H was honest with you later, that he was not sure about marriage being too soon, after you lived together and coz of the suggestion of seeing other people. Yes, he probably could have said so earlier, thought maybe your constant pushing (not sure how you brought the topic before marriage) might have made him feel that talking to you might not work well. Not everyone is totally direct, and some are only more direct when they feel that the other person is safe to trust. So that this sense of safety is earned, we can't simply take it as expected/granted just coz we have a relationship with someone. If we make someone feel unsafe to be vulnerable, then they'd hesitate to reveal their feelings all the way. So he could be honest and stay firm with not marrying yet 'till he is ready; but then you were also not very understanding. Also, this man had bad experience before that it could have made him hesitant; and then he might also be afraid that you'd go so he complied to the pressure of marrying. It could also be that he delayed the marriage as he wanted to see if you two are really good together. Or he might have delayed it so that his dad would not be put out of the house so fast.

As for his family, I don't know you guys so I don't know if his family is using him. But you must realize that family is family, and asking him to choose you or his family is hard. But he ended up choosing you and married you in the end - for a man that had bad experience with marriage before and cares for his family, he still chose you. Bad experience makes one more hesitant, and yet despite all these he chose to make you happy. Also, you have a man that cares for his family, a man that has good values and principles. Also, you could return his effort to make you happy with some understanding - you might not like how you won the situation, but it happened already, so you could at least also put effort like he did, at least to not make things difficult for him. Just coz you don't feel alright with how it happened doesn't mean you are right to still make it difficult for him. Talking bad about his dad or any family member when there's no need anymore, or when there's no such need to disrupt their relationship, is being selfish. A mature partner would not mess with our relationship with family, if not actually contributing to make them better, for the sake of our happiness. Your H would not be happy to be in bad terms with his family, he value his family.
(Also, while it is of course nicer for a couple to have their own place, putting a family member in need out of house just for the sake of privacy doesn't feel right :/ this might be a personal preference, thought both me and my husband would be ready to have any family member sharing our home for a while if any is in real need, unless they are difficult to live with...)

Lastly, no matter how you resent the fact that the marriage was forced, it already happened. I guess that your resentment might be caused by insecurity of wondering if he actually loved you enough to marry you, yet you might not have many ways to get a strong enough proof to make you secure since marriage happened already.
But thing is, as I said already in the last paragraphs, he could have bailed out from the pressure, specially when he had bad marriage experience plus you pushed him to push his dad away, yet he chose to marry you. I don't know him, but I don't think that a man of his experience and age would simply marry you to shut you up. He could ave broken up with you to shut you up. It feels more like he was hesitant and insecure, and wanted to delay his dad getting out, but in the end he did marry you coz he loves you truly. You need to develop more understanding and appreciation of what he did, and be more understanding of why he chose how to do certain things.
You seem to be growing up at many things already, so believe me, as the years passes you'll find many things not mattering as much as you feel right now.  I used to bother over things that I later, as the years passed, found not relevant. And when you understand his feelings more, you'll realize how much he actually cared about you.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Go to counseling. Think of it as a positive step towards understanding each other better, not as a divorce saving measure. Counseling can be a wonderful thing for couples, and a good counselor will help you learn how to get over the past and give you tools to use for your future.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

OP, even if your husband felt pressured to marry you, that's not the worst thing in the world. He may have wondered if you were ready for marriage and may have been leery about your parents trying to end your relationship. However despite these valid concerns, he decided to take a risk because he didn't want to lose you. That's not a bad scenario in my opinion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Each and every action has a consequence. You are learning that now unfortunately.
> 
> You are young, impulsive and lack patience when it comes to something you desire.
> 
> You got everything you wanted but its not as fulfilling as you thought it would be is it?


Worth repeating.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I am impressed at how much you are reflecting on yourself and your actions. It seems you really have grown in the past few years. Self reflection such as this is an incredibly important sign of people who are capable of learning from past actions, distilling their own meaningful lessons, and making better and better decisions. 

There are some fantastic books out there for marital "bibliotherapy." You'll see them mentioned throughout threads on this site. What most of them have in common is the bottom-line reality that we can only work on ourselves. And sometimes we need help discovering who that self really is! It can be a humbling journey for sure. 

With regard to your H's dad I am reminded of an old saying: The length of a woman's marriage can be calculated by the number of bite marks on her tongue. Or, as my H puts it, "just don't go there." You are correct about boundaries being necessary, but you may be wrong about where those boundaries really are or need to be. The more you push it the more likely you are to end up finding out you're on the wrong side of your H's boundary about that issue.


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