# Ultimatum After 1 Year



## 2tontom (Jan 9, 2015)

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking opinions on my situation.

I was recently given an ultimatum by my girlfriend of 1 year (13 months to be exact but it was an on-and-off again relationship). 

I began dating her knowing that she was an international student living in the US on a student visa. Immediately after we began dating, her aunt (who lives here in the US) proposed the idea of having a green card marriage. If the relationship were to fail, I would be offered a lump sum of cash. I immediately said no as I value the sanctity of marriage and will only marry for love. 

We both agreed to continue dating to see where the relationship goes. When we started dating, I was also overwhelmed due to caring for my mom during her cancer treatment. The GF wanted to help since she wasn't working. She wanted to come over everyday. When she came to my mom's house to "help," all she did was keep my mom company. My mom remained fairly independent during treatment and did some cooking herself. I did all the cleaning and heavy work. The GF mostly watched movies and accompanied my mom on her daily walks. 

Arguments began around 1.5 months into the relationship. It began one night when the GF complained about being tired and stressed for coming to my mom's house everyday to help (keep in mind she wasn't working or doing anything else at this time). To show the GF that I cared and appreciate the help, I told to her to stay home and get some rest and come back when she felt better. This was not what the GF wanted to hear. She interpreted my words as me not wanting to spend time with her. She actually wanted me to beg for her to stay. All I wanted was for her to get rest and feel better, but I was told I'm inconsiderate and inappreciative of her help. Work and taking care of my mom was stressful enough so I decided to call it quits. 

After a 2-month split, we reconciled at got back together. By this time she had a job. Things were ok for 3 months until the pressure came on again about marriage for her green card. I explained that pressure will breed resentment and I was not ready considering our rocky and short relationship (around 4.5 months of actual dating by this time). She allegedly understood my explanation but was apparently under pressure from her mother back home to get her documents. 

Since then, we've had arguments almost every week about the littlest of things. For example, she was shopping for decorations for her workplace in which she would be reimbursed. At the point of sale, she realized she forgot her money in her car and asked me to pay. Not carrying cash, I refused informing her that it was for HER workplace and that SHE would get reimbursed, not me. This did not sit well with her and resulted in another breakup. We reconciled again.

In another instance, I brought up the idea of a prenuptial agreement (family assets). She was offended by this (which I can understand) and called the relationship off again. These are just examples off the top of my head, but we have been on and off too many times. All reconciliations involved me begging for her back.

Here we are now, I was given an ultimatum to marry her for the green card so she can stay in the US where we can "continue to date." Otherwise she will leave. She said she loves me and has no intentions of divorcing and wants to spend her life with me. She said marriage will resolve our problems since she will not have pressure due to her immigration status. Although I love her, I'm not ready for marriage due to or rocky relationship and her constant threats to break up. When I expressed my concerns, she said the break ups were a test to see if I loved her and because she was tired. If I don't marry her, she will leave and marry someone else. 

All she has to do is go back to school in order to legally stay in the US. But her younger brother is in the process of coming over as well. She also wants to bring her mother over.

I truly love her and don't want to lose her. She's not perfect but neither am I. I understand that she has a brighter future here than in her home country, but rushing into marriage is not the solution. I'm really lost. What would you do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're nuts if you marry her under pressure, and under these circumstances. Your relationship is horribly unstable, and it seems very likely she's simply marrying you for her green card.

C


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

There are MANY signs of incompatibility, so I think you're smart to avoid rushing into marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Not only should you NOT marry her, you should RUN, far far away from her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This really reeks of something!!! I would tread very carefully here - the prenup is just a basic precaution you need to take. Think in terms (down the line) of diverted funds etc.

How sure are you that she is really "in love" with you. Believe me I have seen this play out many, many, many times before. I have got to ask where your gf is originally from - as you well might know certain countries are (in)famous for this kind of behaviour from their girls. The girl comes across - has a "green card" marriage - once secure, mothers, siblings, cousins and even close friends are helped across - funds are diverted and often, infidelity down the line is rife. I do not mean to rain on your parade, just sharing what I know.


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

So wrong so many ways...You are right to be cautious. Don't marry her. If you're having sex (well yeah, of course) don't leave birth control up to her. You'll end up with an anchor baby.

I'd extricate myself as quickly as possible and with as much kindness and understanding as possible, but with absolute resolve. 

This isn't a match made in heaven. It'll lead you to the other place...where it's hot, and you get poked with pitch forks a lot and those are the good days.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2tontom said:


> Greetings all,
> 
> I'm here seeking opinions on my situation.
> 
> ...


If she's being honest w/ respect to her true intent regarding marriage, she shouldn't have any problem w/ a pre-nup.

I'd let her leave.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Don't know how many times she has to tell you what she's really interested in. She wants legal status to remain in the U.S. Not really about school, not really about work. She intends to start bringing over family members. You are a means to an end. Once she gets what she wants, I suspect she will find you increasingly uninteresting.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

2tontom said:


> In another instance, I brought up the idea of a prenuptial agreement (family assets). She was offended by this (which I can understand) and called the relationship off again. These are just examples off the top of my head, but we have been on and off too many times. All reconciliations involved me begging for her back.
> 
> Here we are now, I was given an ultimatum to marry her for the green card so she can stay in the US where we can "continue to date." Otherwise she will leave.


Let me get this straight. You have know her for only 1 year, she breaks up with you "on and off too many times", all reconciliations involved you "begging for her back", she will not sign a prenuptial agreement, and she is demanding that you marry her immediately? Are you kidding me, why do you even need to post to this site to ask for advice on what to do? Date her maybe, marry her now, no way.

When you said you understood why she was offended by a prenuptial agreement, I knew right then that you are not thinking clearly. If you are foolish enough to marry her now before you are ready, and before she has proven to you the ability to not dump you at a drop of a hat, not only should you demand a strong prenuptial agreement, but she should be very be OK with it since you would only be marrying her at this time to help her out and not because you were ready. Under these circumstances, if she is not very OK with a strong prenuptial agreement, then you know she intends to take you to the cleaners in the eventual divorce. She cannot have it both ways. Either she gives you the normal amount of years needed for you to marry her, where she could show you by her actions over time that a strong prenuptial agreement may not be needed, or she rushes the marriage and signs a strong prenuptial agreement.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop begging her back. She wants to get married, if you don't that's perfectly ok but you keep her from finding someone that wants to marry her. It's a crappy thing do to.....you know you don't want what your partner wants and have no intention of going along with it but refuse to let them go. Leave her alone so you can both find someone compatible.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He needs to get real legal advice if he's crazy enough to consider marrying her. I'm not a U.S. citizen, but my understanding is that he would likely have to sponsor her. A pre-nup would be overridden by that sponsorship. And if there's kids involved, he'd still be liable for child support, even if he managed to keep spousal support under control, as the needs of the children would be prioritized over a pre-nup as well.

I am not a lawyer, though...

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't get the problem here. Just let her go; you don't want to marry her and for very good reasons, but you want what you want on your terms so you keep trying to hold onto her. Just call it a day, it's not fair to her either.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

She's using you.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

Don't do it you will get caught and risk going to prison
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have only known her for 13 months. That is not long enough to know a person before getting married. 

The first 18-24 months of dating is the honeymoon period. It's when you don't see a person clearly for who they are. What is see is through rose colored glasses. 

If what you have described is through rose colored glasses, the reality is far worse. 

You do know that what they are proposing is illegal, right? To marry a person to get them a green card is illegal.. especially when there is a promise of money exchange. You could go to prison for doing this.

She and her family are bad news. They are using you. Please do not go through with this marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Not only should you NOT marry her, you should RUN, far far away from her.



Running is too slow. Let me elaborate...

First of all if she's here on a student visa is she actually going to school? Making progress? Staying current with the myriad of forms USCIS requires (been there done that got the green card btw). If she's overstayed her visa already or working without an EAD she could have far bigger issues.

Second, where is she from? The constant green card bickering makes me suspect Eastern / Central European or Western Asia . Slight chance for China or Southeast Asia. I have my reasons for asking... I'm European - hey how do you spell Lichtenstein ?) that fact may be a good indication as to whether she's a green card hunter or not.

Third, getting past the marriage interview is not easy those days... Take a look here: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/fiance-marriage-visa-book/chapter13-20.html (my wife would fail a lot of those and we've been married three decades :rofl: ). I've seen couples bring in 2 inch thick wedding albums to interviews. 

Fourth, her behavior is way out of line. Even if she was born and raised in my imaginary hometown of Paducah her behavior would raise more red flags than a May 1st parade. It's hard to diagnose PD's remotely so ask her to do a few couples counseling sessions. If you're the Rasputin type like me just tell her your church requires them.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> She intends to start bringing over family members. You are a means to an end.



Pretty much. That's why I asked where she's from... But sponsoring family members those days is years away for many countries, decades for some.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You were never anything but a green card to her and her family. There's a word for people who sell themselves. Try it on for size.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't marry anyone with an ultimatum, especially one relating to the green card. You have big issues and differences. In addition, you should ask yourself whether you can live with her tribe or not. Her mother would be living with you for a lifetime. In addition, you'll be liable for 7 years each of committed sponsorship liabilities. These include monetary support, living arrangements, and medical liabilities. 

Don't string her along. End your relationship.


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## 2tontom (Jan 9, 2015)

john117 said:


> Running is too slow. Let me elaborate...
> 
> First of all if she's here on a student visa is she actually going to school? Making progress? Staying current with the myriad of forms USCIS requires (been there done that got the green card btw). If she's overstayed her visa already or working without an EAD she could have far bigger issues.
> 
> ...


She is currently enrolled in school and has since quit her job. She was working under an authorized OPT program with an EAD. So she has maintained her student visa status.

She is from Vietnam. I'm of Vietnamese decent and have heard from friends and relatives of people they know who have been used for a green card.



Blondilocks said:


> You were never anything but a green card to her and her family. There's a word for people who sell themselves. Try it on for size.


Never intended to marry for money the money. I have a career that pays well. I want to marry out of love and readiness.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

2tontom said:


> I began dating her knowing that she was an international student living in the US on a student visa. *Immediately after we began dating, her aunt (who lives here in the US) proposed the idea of having a green card marriage. If the relationship were to fail, I would be offered a lump sum of cash.* ... Arguments began around 1.5 months into the relationship. It began one night when the GF complained about being tired and stressed for coming to my mom's house everyday to help (keep in mind she wasn't working or doing anything else at this time). ... After a 2-month split, we reconciled at got back together. By this time she had a job. Things were ok for 3 months until *the pressure came on again about marriage for her green card.* ... Since then, we've had arguments almost every week about the littlest of things. ... *I was given an ultimatum to marry her for the green card so she can stay in the US where we can "continue to date." Otherwise she will leave.* She said she loves me and has no intentions of divorcing and wants to spend her life with me. She said *marriage will resolve our problems since she will not have pressure due to her immigration status.* Although I love her, I'm not ready for marriage due to or rocky relationship and her constant threats to break up. When I expressed my concerns, she said *the break ups were a test to see if I loved her and because she was tired.* ... All she has to do is go back to school in order to legally stay in the US. *But her younger brother is in the process of coming over as well. She also wants to bring her mother over.*


There's nothing to be lost about; read the parts I bolded in what you wrote. All she wants is a green card and her family with her. As the other posters have said/implied, you are a means to an end. As for the breakups, her explanation is bogus. She's feeling the heat from Mama about getting a green card, and it's affecting her badly. A stable relationship doesn't need testing from EITHER side.

I know you love her, but it's time to let her go. You don't deserve these mind games and this jerking around. And you certainly don't want to go to prison for marrying someone just so they can get a green card. Find a woman who will love you for you — not just your citizenship.


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

Don't rush into Marriage. I understand you love her and don't want to lose her but marriage is a big deal and as someone else stated the signs of incompatibility are already showing. 
Good Luck with you decision!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

End the relationship. You're being manipulated.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

Stop having sex. It's good birth control. The real advantage with no sex is you think with the calculating mind and you are going to have instant relief. Do not be a white knight. If you do not know what that is Google it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

More like Green knight  tho green cards haven't been green in like forever... Mine weren't.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

I have done the white knight thing and it literally almost killed me off from the stress. As for a green knight, a fellow where I used to work did that and in two years he was divorced.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Westwind said:


> I have done the white knight thing and it literally almost killed me off from the stress. As for a green knight, a fellow where I used to work did that and in two years he was divorced.



Here's a good visual... I found my old green card somewhere 

View attachment 31722


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

OP, your girlfriend does not respect you. I am sorry you find yourself here, but there is no basis to continue a relationship. Ask yourself honestly, what is love if it means being forced to respond to pressure and manipulation?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Considering OP has not returned we can only theorize the message was received loud and clear...

In general that's why I'm not a fan of marriage with extended families not present and accounted for and huge cultural gaps. Been there... Etc.


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## 2tontom (Jan 9, 2015)

john117 said:


> Running is too slow. Let me elaborate...
> 
> First of all if she's here on a student visa is she actually going to school? Making progress? Staying current with the myriad of forms USCIS requires (been there done that got the green card btw). If she's overstayed her visa already or working without an EAD she could have far bigger issues.
> 
> ...


She is from Vietnam. She was working with an EAD and currently enrolled in school to maintain her student visa status. 



Blondilocks said:


> You were never anything but a green card to her and her family. There's a word for people who sell themselves. Try it on for size.


Never and don't have any intention to marry her for money. I'd only marry for love and readiness. 



john117 said:


> Considering OP has not returned we can only theorize the message was received loud and clear...
> 
> In general that's why I'm not a fan of marriage with extended families not present and accounted for and huge cultural gaps. Been there... Etc.


I made my decision and told her "no." She said our relationship is over. A series of insults followed but now she wants to "compromise." 

She has since turned on her charm and trying to take advantage of my compassion. She says I would be abandoning her with my decision, leaving her alone since she doesn't have anyone here in the U.S.. Yet, she is living with an aunt (free of charge). For some reason, she doesn't consider this aunt family.


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## 2tontom (Jan 9, 2015)

Greetings all,

I have since told her "no." She ended the relationship and said "goodbye." After a series of insults, she now wants to "compromise."

She is trying to take advantage of my compassionate nature (as others have said, manipulation). She says I am abandoning her because she doesn't have anyone here in the U.S. Yet, she's living with an aunt (free of charge). For whatever reason, she doesn't consider this aunt family. 

Although I feel really bad for her, I have to stick to my decision.

Edited to add:

Thanks to all for chiming in. Not sure why my multi replies are not posting.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't get sucked into to rescuing her. Green card marriages are legal. More importantly, in this heightened homeland security period, harboring an illegal alien and someone you don't know is crazy. This is not worth your future. Show some compassion to yourself first, you owe more to yourself. 

It is probably best not to communicate with her further. She will make her way in life, she seems persistent and capable without you. 

I don't understand why you did not walk away when it was clear she wanted to use you for a green card. Do you understand? It's something you should try to understand before getting into another serious relationship.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Not only should you NOT marry her, you should RUN, far far away from her.


:iagree:

3X - you must be a carpenter, because you just hit the nail exactly on the head!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Westwind said:


> Stop having sex. It's good birth control. The real advantage with no sex is you think with the calculating mind and you are going to have instant relief. Do not be a white knight. If you do not know what that is Google it.


GREAT advice, Westwind.

Don't EVER let "Woodie" think for you. He will ALWAYS get you in trouble.....


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## prettygirlpa (Dec 17, 2014)

She is trying to manipulate you to get her way, and when she doesn't get her way she breaks up with you. Do not marry her or you will be miserable and you will have to deal with her mother too when she comes over, because you know she will want her mom to stay with you guys. 
Run!!! And find someone better.


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