# My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?



## GotMilk0302

Hello all. I'm just going to spill my guts out and if anyone has any advice, I'm more than willing to listen.

About a year and a half ago my husband paid to have sex with a stripper. He took his brother out to a strip club (I didn't know about that) and took the stripper to a hotel and had full blown out sex.

He told me he took his wedding ring off before going into the club so he would have better chances of taking someone home. 

He took this money out of our children's mouths (no really. Money was tight and we were having trouble meeting ends so to speak).

He says he doesn't know when the idea came to him to do this, but that he did get the idea of what it would be like to be with someone else.

He said he didn't know if I was the one for him (we've been together 10 years--married for less than one when this incident occured). We have two children. He says now he does know and wants us to be happy together.

He confessed all this because he said the guilt was eating him alive. He was borderline crazy jealous over everything I did--projection he said on his part. 

I want to leave. I want to stay. I don't know anymore. This is someone I gave 1000% trust to. I would have assumed he would have murdered 80 people before believing he was a cheater. His parent's marriage busted up over cheating. The whole time we've been together, he's always said cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone.

And now he's done it to me. I don't know what to think or feel. A part of me wants to get out. Now. A part of me wants to stay. A part of me doesn't know. 

He says he's sorry. Really sorry. He says he won't ever do it again, that he feels terrible but he knows we can get past this. It's been two weeks since he told me and I'm not any closer to being past it. I'm still so hurt and angry. 

Advice?


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## badbane

Get tested for STD's. If he paid for one he's probably paid for more. Your husband obviously is out of control sexually. It would be one thing if he was pursuing someone he was emotionally attached to. This is just straight up sexual dysfunction. Get tested and get out. 

If you decide to stay with this man demand that he turn over all electronic devices, with passwords, email accounts, text messages , phone bills. You need to know a hell of a lot more than just what he has told you. You need to operate like your Husband is a stranger. Don't believe anything he says until you have concrete proof in your hands.


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## Hope1964

Why would he confess now? My guess is that someone threatened to tell you, or you were bound to find out some other way. The STD testing is imperative.

My husband got a bj from a hooker in June 2010.

I suggest that your husband go to see a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) and be evaluated for sexual addiction, because there are probably a whole lot of other behaviours that you do not know about.

He should move out. You need time to recover. He should be willing to hand you his balls on a silver platter right now. There are YEARS of recovery ahead of you - either he is in it for the long haul or he's outta there. Have a read at my story - we're 3 years out from the first D day and it's been super tough.


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## GotMilk0302

He says this is the one and only time. How do I know that? Our sex life was fine before hand--once a day average. 

This wasn't a "wasn't getting any" situation. 

STD test is done. Waiting on the results.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> He says this is the one and only time. How do I know that?


You don't. That's the whole point. You cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth, and until he GETS that, you can't reconcile. That's why I say kick him out. He deserves it, and you need time. 

He needs some serious help. He needs to truly want to change, and the only way he can do that is with help, from a professional. CSAT's are trained to extract the truth - many use polygraphs. If your husband isn't willing to submit to that, then he's still lying.

Stop thinking about your husband as he was. That was a lie. You do not know this man. This man is capable of depths of deceit you have never dreamed of.

It really really sucks, but it's true


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## skyblue44

Hi,

First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what happened to you. Secondly I say - and this might sound harsh - it takes two to tango.

Have you thought about why your husband might have gone and done that? Im not saying anything (lack of intimacy, confidence, etc) on your part justifies his behaviour but it might have given him the push to do something so awful that he has regretted.
The fact that it has been hurting him as well should be a bit ofma condolence, in a sense that he recognised he made a mistake. Sadly as you also have two children, his self gratifying behaviour doesnt exactly make him Daddy of the year! Do the children feel the difference in his behaviour (if there is any)? Children are funny like that, they sense things as Im sure you know. 

Moral dilemma here is the following, are you going to stay with someone who so betrayed your trust for the possible sake of the children, your life together, your love for him? Or are you going to leave him, start a new life on your own with your two children ( I dont know your work situation) ?

I would do the following: and this is speaking from experience, give him a chance, tell him as it is, no sweet talk, be a super confident and awesome woman that couldnt care less about him ( on the surface), love your children, take good care of them as they might feel something is not quite right between the two of you, tell him this is his one and only chance, if he doesnt prove himself to you, you are history as men are queuing to be with someone like you (even if they arent). Try to go to a counsellor together, who can help you overcome this.

Have you also done an HIV test! Also just a general examination by your gyneocologist to ensure no herpes etc has been passed onto you. DEMAND that he goes and gets tested for all STD's, HIV, etc too! Make him show you the results.

Good luck to you, there is a lot to think through here. Also what works for one person might not work for another. Focus on yourself and your children and things will change!


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## GotMilk0302

He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.

Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends. 

The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.


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## Hope1964

skyblue44 said:


> Hi,
> 
> First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what happened to you. Secondly I say - and this might sound harsh - it takes two to tango.
> 
> Have you thought about why your husband might have gone and done that? Im not saying anything (lack of intimacy, confidence, etc) on your part justifies his behaviour but it might have given him the push to do something so awful that he has regretted.


This is WAY off the mark. There is NEVER blame to be placed on the BS when a WS chates. NEVER. To even imply blame to a BS when they've just found out is horrible.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.
> 
> Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends.
> 
> The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.


Again, he is a proven liar. You can't believe anything he says. The ONLY thing that counts right now are his ACTIONS going forward.

Why are you saying what you are about your housing situation? Are you saying you can't kick him out?


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## PHTlump

My advice is to wait. You've had your world turned upside down and you're reeling. You're not going to make a good decision right now. Whether you stay married, or divorce, you need to do it after sober reflection and you need to be 100% committed to your course of action. You should probably wait for several months before you decide what you ultimately want to do.

At a minimum, he needs to sleep in another room. He could also move out. This is for him as well as for you. You both need for him to experience some form of punishment. If you immediately sweep this under the rug and put on your best happy face, he will feel like he got away with it.

I think your attitude, at least the one you project his way, is that you intend to divorce him in a few months unless he can give you reason not to. Offer to work with him in therapy and a renewed focus on your marriage. But let him know that you expect a lot of heavy lifting on his part before you will consider staying married to him.

Also, he should be an open book to you. I mean total transparency. You should know where he is 24/7. If he leaves work, he texts you. If he stops for gas, he texts you. If he's going out with friends, well he can't do that. For quite a while, his world should be you and your children. He should either be at work, or with you and/or your kids.

The sad thing is that you will spend quite a few months or years doubting everything he says or does. The only way he can assuage your doubt is to give you all the reinforcement you need. If he lets you put a GPS tracker on his phone, then you can be confident that he's not visiting bars or hotels because you can check up on him.

Check the thread on surveillance for more tips on how to check up on him.

Good luck.


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## GotMilk0302

That's exactly what I'm saying. The house is in his name through his work. If anyone leaves it will have to be me.

I've been apartment looking but it's scarce up here (Think really northern Canada). I'm scared to death of this. 10 years with this man is all I know. My oldest child has autism and isn't dealing well with anything. He does sense something is wrong. He's acting out in school and his grades are slipping. 

His actions? His actions are He cries a lot. Gets angry at me sometimes for being so upset "it wasn't an affair..it was just a one time thing that didn't mean anything.." swings from "Maybe we should separate" to "Please don't leave". He wants to hug and cuddle and have sex and everything be the way it was before. I can't stand to have him touch me honestly. He got mad at me this morning because I put a password on my phone. I don't trust him not to sniff through my phone (nothing on there but a lot of crying to my friend).


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## ATC529R

I could not forgive someone that planned something this hurtful in advance........

there may be exceptions like you cheated or betrayed him in some way....but other than that it is unforgiveable IMO

and to top it off he wasn't even man enough to carry the guilt. he dumped that on you as well.


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## Hope1964

OK putting a password on your phone isn't a good idea. But that's the least of your worries right now.

Why can't you tell him to move out and see what he does? My bet is he gets mad, because it sounds like he really has NO idea of the seriousness of what he's done here. He is minimizing it. And if he does move out, then great. My husband meekly moved out and set himself up in an apartment, while continuing to pay the mortgage in our house, because he GOT IT.

At the VERY minimum, he should be sleeping in the doghouse.

Stop being afraid to stand up for yourself!!!

Please read the links in my signature. I think they all apply to your situation.


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## thatgirll007

You need to get to a counselor - stat! You're H just sounds all over the place and it is just too much for you to have to be his lifeline when you're reeling yourself. 

Who knows what's going to happen? You don't have to know that right now. There's a freedom in that, too, GotMilk. You get time to figure things out. You may decide to stay or you may decide to go, but you don't have enough information to make that decision right now.

When my H left, the going advice was not to make any decisions for a year. It felt like a really long time, but it was actually very good advice. 

You need to establish some boundaries, process what has happened, assess your H's behavior and its reflection on him and your marriage, and then make decisions.

But most importantly, take care of you.


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## Hope1964

I agree that you do NOT need to decide anything right now. Kicking him out is to give yourself the space you need without his drivel in your face all the time.


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## skyblue44

Hope1964 said:


> This is WAY off the mark. There is NEVER blame to be placed on the BS when a WS chates. NEVER. To even imply blame to a BS when they've just found out is horrible.


As I clearly said in my post it doesnt give him the right to do that and my take on it might prove too harsh to someone, bam...hello someone!  

I am not blaming her, of course not. But sometimes there is more to a story. I believe she posted here to get advice, opinion, point of view. We are all different, think differently. One can only try to take away what they seem to suit them best from these postings and do what they feel is best for them and their family.

I have been through a similar situation with my partner and after the initial anger, pain, frustration, etc I forgave him, because that suited us best. I forgave but never forgot. Our relationship has become stronger for it, we are an awesome team, and been for many years. It is partially thanks to me having this sudden urge of confidence, etc...It's not say I trust him, I dont trust anyone, not even myself. As we are human beings, we behave incredibly different under pressure and in different situations.

I now understand he did what he did to see what it is like to be with someone else, are you childhood sweethearts that he feels like he hasnt had enough experience with others?!

It also sounds like it would be difficult for you to separate as you are pretty tied there with his work. no family, etc...

I still say, knowing it is very fresh, allow yourself a few days to feel angry, sad, hurt, etc...then try to get strength from whatever helps you and make fundamental changes that will surprise him. Take it from there....

Once again I would like to say I am not accusing you of any wrongdoing, I am merely trying to figure this situation out and perhaps help a bit along the way, even if it is by giving a perspective many frown upon.


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## GotMilk0302

I did tell him to move out on Friday. He told me this was his house. I told him I wasn't yanking Oldest out of school because he couldn't keep it in his pants. 

He is minimizing. I'm reacting badly. It's all a very big disaster that I am in no way prepared to deal with.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> I did tell him to move out on Friday. He told me this was his house. I told him I wasn't yanking Oldest out of school because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
> 
> He is minimizing. I'm reacting badly. It's all a very big disaster that I am in no way prepared to deal with.


So he moves into another room then. Preferably the basement, on the floor, with a thin blanket.

He really doesn't get it here. STOP having sex with him.

Why do you think you're reacting badly? Your WORLD just caved in on top of you.

Is there ANYONE that can take the kids for a day or two? What if you called your parents and told them what happened? Not necessarily the details, but that your husband has been unfaithful and you need them right now.

Where did you live when this happened?


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## GotMilk0302

No sex, no touching no nothing. I won't even say I love you back even though he says it eleven million times a day. He's in the basement on the futon but he keeps trying. He thinks that if we go back to the hugging, kissing, sex times then everything will fall back into place and his life will be happy again. So he keeps at me and at me until I blow up and it's another fight. 

I live in a tiny town in Northern Alberta. My family is in Texas. It isn't financially feasible for them to come at this time or for me to go there due to Oldest still being in school. 

Right now we have this somewhat co-existance happening with him professing every time he looks at me that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave (unless we are fighting then he says maybe we should separate). I'm trying to do my normal things (work, kids, house, dog, whatever) and he's making it near impossible. 

I've seen a mental health counselor twice. When he broke the news to me, a few days later we were talking and he said if I left he would probably kill himself. I told him that wasn't fair.

He tells me that our family's happiness is in my hands. That I'm the only one that can save "us". That I have to make the decision to forgive him and get past it.


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## skyblue44

Hope1964:"STOP having sex with him." 

Couldn't agree more. The emotions are not in the right place...It can damage you even more.

Dont let him make your feel like you absolutely have to forgive him in order to help the family, etc...You will do all that in your own time. Forgiving helped me, not my partner. I felt better after that, I did it on my own terms. 

You should see a marriage counsellor together.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> When he broke the news to me, a few days later we were talking and he said if I left he would probably kill himself. I told him that wasn't fair.


 Classic manipulation. And also pure and utter bullsh!t.



GotMilk0302 said:


> He tells me that our family's happiness is in my hands. That I'm the only one that can save "us". That I have to make the decision to forgive him and get past it.


This is also pure and utter bullsh!t. HE is the one who can save it, NOT you. HE is the one who blew things up by sticking his penis in another womans vagina. DO NOT fall for this crap.

Tell him that he either steps up to the plate here or you are DONE. Does he make good money? If so, why can't he pay for your parents to come up? Tell him it's either that or he moves to a hotel, or you start D. You have GOT to exert some consequences here, or he's going to gaslight you and keep rugsweeping.

Have you read the links yet?

BTW I am in Alberta also  Edmonton.


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## PBear

Just because the housing is in his name doesn't mean he can't move into another place. It's not like someone from his workplace stops by every week to check in on him, do they?

What about suggesting to him that he move into an extended stay hotel or something? Realistically, neither of you can force the other one out. But if he's truly remorseful, he'll do what he needs to do to help you heal. And if that means living without the comforts of home while he gives you space, then so be it. 

Would you say one of you is the primary care giver to the children? Stability for the kids should be a high priority as well. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotMilk0302

I'm north of Slave Lake 

I know it's all bull****. Yet he keeps at me. He wants me to say "We can do this! We can get past this!" and I don't know if it's true or if I even want to anymore. 

The reality is my marriage has sucked for a very long time. And it's sucked because of him and his attitude towards marriage. He wanted the fun single life with a wife and kids.To do and go wherever whenever.

He's been insanely jealous almost our entire marriage (now I know why...). He's forever saying he's "scared" that i will find someone else. He's horribly jealous over any male friends I have. It's been a very long road of bitter disappointment being married to this man.

Kids=me. I am the primary caregiver. His job takes him away from home for weeks at a time. I've been a SAHM for years before finding my job (which I do from home to stay with the 3 year old). Our 3 year old doesn't want hardly anything to do with him and our 6 year old is terrified of him. He's never hit them, he just yells a lot.


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## Hope1964

So. It really sounds like you'd be better off without him, sorry to say. You sound done.

Where would YOU like to live?


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## PBear

What he means is HE can get past this. You get to decide if you can get past it. 

If he's gone for weeks at a time, it makes even more sense for him to move into a hotel temporarily. Are there any of those around? And if I was you, I'd be talking to a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities. For example, what your financial situation would be if you got divorced. And whether you'd be able to move to civization. Once you get the facts, you can make decisions. On the plus side, if you work from home, I'm thinking you could work from home no matter where you live? That gives you a bit more flexibility. 

Btw, I'm also from Edmonton, but I've lived in Grande Prairie and I've had summer jobs that involved travelling all over NW Alberta. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotMilk0302

I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.

Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change. 

My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.


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## skyblue44

Huh, he doesnt sound like an ideal husband, lover, soul mate, best friend, father at all.

Making your children scared of him is just about the worst thing he can do to them. My mother stayed in a marriage where the guy yelled a lot, I was petrified of him, which resulted in me never learning how to stand up for myself (luckily that changed), suffered from extreme anxiety, insomnia as a child and I still bear the scars of that period. 

By you saying you are your children's primary caretaker I think it is fair to sayit means a lot to you how they grow up, what people they become. It is a toxic environment for them, not worthy of saving by the sounds of it.

Overly jealous people are that way because they themselves are doing something they shouldnt be. Had a boyfriend who was crazy possessive, jealous, etc...turned out he cheated on me 26 times over a 6 year period! Shocking, hey? Needless to say as soon as I learnt of his antiques I moved out and restarted my life from zero with no help from anyone. Was hard but I never felt that empowered and strong in my life! The weight lifting off my shoulders was huge!

Try talking to your parents about where you could possibly move to, if they could help you out financially at the beginning, just until you settle? Talk to your best friends, siblings, who should truly show their support to you in a moment of need. 

Dont be afraid of coming across as someone who cant manage on her own, or might be seen as a failure (as I was by my own mother!) ask for help, more people are willing to chip in than you think!

Letting go of this man might just be the single most valuable thing you will ever do in your life. There are organizations that help women who are divorced, single mothers....research these too. Claim benefits if need be and you are entitled to them.

If he is jealous, your marriage has been bad for some time, he cheated on you with a prostitute, he yells a lot, your child is scared of his/her own father (the man who should protect him/her and make him/her feel safe) what exactly is keeping you with him?

Love? Being used to him, to the situation? Afraid of moving on? Not wanting to separate the children from their father? Feeling lonely and scared?

I usually do an exercise when I have to decide something that I am rather confused about. I get a piece of paper out and make two columns, negative and positive. Then I give myself 10mins on each. Arguments for staying with him and arguments against it.
If the negativ part is longer you know what to do.


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## nevergveup

Well,he is repeating exactly what happened in his parents marriage.
Strange how i've seen this happen many times with friends.

There's no excuse your husband can give you that justifies
him cheating on you.

Until he takes, full blame for doing this to you he will never change.

I'm so sorry for you.You just have to decide to stay with him
or divorce him.He has two small kids,sad this is so wrong.


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## Tall Average Guy

GotMilk0302 said:


> I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.
> 
> Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.
> 
> My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.


One thing that seems common is that the betrayed goes through a roller coaster of emotions, particularly in the beginning. From being done to can't imagining life on their own and then back to being done. Making a decision during one of those peaks will cause you to doubt yourself during one of those valleys.

Part of taking your time is allowing these to settle so you feel better about the decision that you make.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and wish you luck.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.
> 
> Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.
> 
> My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.


Have you read my story? And the other links? I was done on D day. Kicked him out. Lived apart for a few months. but that was the kick in the pants he needed to step up. It isn't something that can't be undone, IF you choose to later, and IF he steps up. Which I highly doubt he will.

I second the suggestion of getting a lawyer.


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## skyblue44

GotMilk0302 said:


> I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.
> 
> Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.
> 
> My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.


If you read my last posting about a partner of mine who I literally gave my life to by leaving my country and family behind only for him to cheat on me like there is no tomorrow then you will see you can overcome anything! I got out of that with truly no money and nobody standing by me, not even my friends as they deserted me in my moments of depression. I had a nervous breakdown that saw me end up in hospital, that was a wake up call that told me: Was I really born for this? Seriously? 
I left the hospital, went to pscyhotherapist for years, got a job, accommodation and slowly my life was back on track, found new friends, etc...

You are a woman, a mother, a daughter. None of those roles require you being treated disrespectfully. 

Listen to awesome music that inspires, it helped me a lot. If you are religious pray for strength to make this change happen. Start running or some exercise if you are not doing anything in that area. Do whatever it takes, never ever let anyone tell you that you cant do something. Unless you try you will never know and live with the regret of not trying forever. Not to mention with the possible resentment from your children for making them live through this horrendous period.


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## GotMilk0302

The normal drivel. He says he was stupid back then. That he was blind to our family. That he knows what he has now and he wants to do whatever it takes to make it up to me (and the kids). He wants to change, he wants to go forward. 

He said his parent's divorce really screwed up his head. That he had a lot of hurt and anger inside. I've heard enough excuses to last a lifetime.

I'm terrified of change. This is what I know. What I'm use to. The idea of different puts me in a panic.


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## Hope1964

You said you talked to a couple of counselors. Maybe it's time to talk to them again, in addition to the lawyer. Give yourself that push.

Don't think of change as = bad. Think of it as = GOOD. You want to make positive changes. You want to take steps UP.


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## Openminded

GotMilk0302 said:


> He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.
> 
> Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends.
> 
> The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.


Moving on is difficult work. And takes a very long time. Years usually. Getting trust back is tough.

And he will need to do the heavy lifting --- meaning whatever it is you need from him to heal your marriage.

Many people successfully reconcile and you can be one of them.


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## GotMilk0302

I do. I'm tired of living like this. It isn't just his infidelity with a hooker. It's a lot deeper than that. 

I told him I wish he had kept it to himself. That while things were not great, they were not this. At this moment if I was truly honest with myself, I don't want to live here anymore. Not right now. Maybe not ever. He says he's changed but I haven't seen it. He's nicer to the kids, that's about it. 

I don't eat anymore. I've lost weight. My head hurts all the time. I got drunk last Friday (I'm not a huge drinker). We fight all the time. My kid is being affected, my work is being affected. It's horrible.


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## PHTlump

First, if he's not doing everything you ask, then he's not serious. By refusing to move out temporarily, or at least to give you some space by moving into another room and leaving you alone, he's simply asking you to sweep this under the rug. That's not helpful. If you allow him to sweep this under the rug, you'll hate yourself for not standing up for yourself when you had the chance. And he'll feel emboldened by getting away with minimal consequences for cheating on you.

So, I would give him a list of requirements that you have in order to work on your marriage. Tell him that if he refuses to work on your list, then you will definitely divorce him. And if he does work on your list, then you might divorce him. And that's the best he can do right now. The best he can hope for is that you're willing to consider staying married to him.

Stop fighting with him. Stay cool. Try to keep your kids calm. If he yells, ask him to leave. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's calm.

Good luck.


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## Hope1964

GotMilk0302 said:


> I told him I wish he had kept it to himself.


No you don't. not really. Plus by telling him this, the chances he will ever admit there's more went from almost zero to negative a hundred.


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## Love2326

PHT is right. If he's not doing everything... EVERYTHING you ask... he's not serious about R. 

I thought about my situation long and hard last night (it's similar to yours... prostitutes, sex forums, massage parlors, sexting) and this is what I came up with, which directly applies to you: 

You love him. You would have loved him until the day you die. You gave your life to him. You trusted him. But HE KEEPS HURTING YOU!!! He has done it over and over and over again! It's SO hard to love someone who keeps hurting you! 

I stuck in it for 6 mo after DDay becuase: 1) the initial shock rendered my thought process in a state of chaos and I needed time ot digest and comprehend what he did, and 2) I thought I was a strong enough person to possibly R and get over it. Except he did it again. And again. He continued to hurt me. He continued to put me last place to his friends, his parties, and even his cell phone. I came in LAST PLACE. He always put himself first, then came everyone else, then came his possessions, then came me and the marriage. There is a word for that... its "SELFISH."

I swear, there's only so much a person can take before they have to step back and protect themselves from this person who keeps hurting them. I am now that person. I will not R with my WH. I am done. He has abused me and even though I love him beyond belief, I cannot take another second of this hurt. I'll have to start over and find someone who won't hurt me like this. 

I suggest you think long and hard about what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate. Sure, change is scary as h*ll, but if you're ever going to be happy again... if you're ever going to stop this pain... you pretty much have no choice. Change your plans.. your old life had him in it. Take him out and create a new life for yourself and your kids. Hang in there. It's an impossibly difficult process, but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


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## skyblue44

Sometimes its worth remembering that when we think and feel that we are in love with the person who constantly hurts us, in fact we are in love with the idea of a great husband, a stable family home, the safety it provides and not the man himself.

Think about this, when your children grow up, would you like them to continue in a relationship like yours if it hurts them? I am guessing not. So then love and respect yourself enough to get out of it. 

I so hope you will manage for the sake of your own self worth and sanity, not to mention your children.

He just doesnt sound like he is ready to fully cooperate, he should be on his tiptoes waiting on you, like my partner did when I gave him an ultimatum and showed I am strong not like before.

If you choose to work it out, you must be prepared to give him an ultimatum that you are not scared to follow through should the time come. 

If you choose to leave think about the amazing times ahead with your children that wont be spent in a toxic environment. Invest in all your family's and friends' help.


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## OhGeesh

Good luck that's a tough one!! I would say he seems sincere why would he say anything if no? I for one have always been in the ingnorance is bliss camp especially for ONS, so why he would say something is beyond me!

The guilt would seem to be real yet almost as selfish as the act itself. 

The other qualities you describe aren't nearly as endearing! Good luck in your choice  I truly believe it was meaningless to him. Guys can be idiots sometimes and what he imagined in his mind was obviously a farce. Good luck to the both of you ESPECIALLY YOU!!


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## Tigger

It sounds like you just need a break to think things over. Do you have any friends near by you can stay with for awhile?


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## DavidWYoung

Well, you can talk us and we will listen. , First off, you are going to HAVE to understand that CHANGE will happen in your life. Like it or not, it is going to happen. How you deal with the change is what makes you the person you are.

Second, I would recommend you wait on baling from the marriage. Get you head together and see what your options are. See how you feel about your husband in about four months.

Keep us posted on what is going on.

Just my 2 cents David


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## Patty K

Hi I have the similar story. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 children. I found out 4 days ago that he had sex with a hooker when he went on vacation (Vietnam) It was 3 months after the wedding. I found the text msg that he was bragging to his friend that he had 3 girlfriends over there and a booty call. I asked him about it he said it wasn't true he was just bragging until my biggest fear question was " you didn't...did you?" I didn't even have to say the whole sentence but I already saw the answer in his eyes. He said ha had a hooker once. I asked him how did he do do this to me. He said he never considered me as his wife for the first few months. My visa was going to be expired he wanted me to stay so he did me a favor, he never wanted to be married that young. Yes, the marriage is for immigrantion purposes but we were dating and fell in love with each other was real. At least for me it was. The part that hurts even more is that he was not sorry about it, if he can turn back time he would have done it anyway. 
Am I overreact? I don't have any clue what's to do! All I know is I felt like I got locked up in this torture chamber ever since. Every time he comes near me my brain keep picturing him with the hooker. Am I gonna leave and threw these 11 years away or stay in the torture chamber until I get over it. What would you do.


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## Patty K

Hi I have the similar story. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 children. I found out 4 days ago that he had sex with a hooker when he went on vacation (Vietnam) It was 3 months after the wedding. I found the text msg that he was bragging to his friend that he had 3 girlfriends over there and a booty call. I asked him about it he said it wasn't true he was just bragging until my biggest fear question was " you didn't...did you?" I didn't even have to say the whole sentence but I already saw the answer in his eyes. He said ha had a hooker once. I asked him how did he do do this to me. He said he never considered me as his wife for the first few months. My visa was going to be expired he wanted me to stay so he did me a favor, he never wanted to be married that young. Yes, the marriage is for immigrantion purposes but we were dating and fell in love with each other was real. At least for me it was. The part that hurts even more is that he was not sorry about it, if he can turn back time he would have done it anyway. 
Am I overreact? I don't have any clue what's to do! All I know is I felt like I got locked up in this torture chamber ever since. Every time he comes near me my brain keep picturing him with the hooker. Am I gonna leave and threw these 11 years away or stay in the torture chamber until I get over it. What would you do.


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## harrybrown

Will he go to affair -recovery .com?

Seems like he should be willing to pay for it.

You can find the company online. Maybe that could help.

Sorry for your pain.


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## Hope1964

Zombie thread alert


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