# Love but not in love.



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I dont think I explained m situation properly so here it is.

I have been tourturing myself over the choice.

When we met we were completely inlove. But after about 4 months I found out he was on really strong anti depressants because his father told my husband to kll himself. 

Imagine! My maternal instincts kicked in to overdrive and I made it my mission in life to help repair the very bad relationship between him and his father.

It slowly did repair.

BUT He was an actor and basically wasnt working. My father cracked it and screamed at him and me and out of fear, anger, I dont know I broke up with him.
Then I cried and cried because I thought another relationship isnt working.
We got back together but he just wouldnt work. But he was so sweet and such great company that when he begged for me to give it another try, I relented.

Eventuially he got a jobm, did some training and ended up with a great job.

We had, obviously some great times. 

One night, we were having a great chat over wine and I said, we should jst get married.

He agreed and we were engaged.

But then out of work, in work, fights and break ups.

The wedding postponed and re-set.

Then a few months prior to the wedding his father got terminal cancer.

By this stage we had been tgether for three years, and been through ups and downs and ups and downs...

But, because of that love that you fell for someone that you let into yuour life was so strong, combined with the torture that my fiance was going through, I couldnt cancel.

Also all ogf my friends didnt like him and vice verca!

The whole relationship has been difficult since the beggining.

Now, we've been married for 2 years next month and I am so confused I dont know what to do. Because I tryuly love the guy, just dont feel sxually attracted to him.

At all.

But I am wondering if that mutual respectand love that we have created together is enough. God knows alot of people go through life without even that, right?
That initself is somethingsacred, right?

But I think about being with an out going guy who is fun and layed back and not so restricted as my partner. 

I would never go there while I am married, and I have been propsitioned many times. 

I want to know, I guess, whether love, and no passion is normal in marriage and whether I am just being an idiot for thinking that passion and fun and mutual connectedness is something that you should have forever, and not just for the first few months.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

I think common is a better word than normal. It's common to see more couples in marriages love each other, but lack the passion in the relationship. I don't beleive this is normal or a way to sustain a marriage for the long term, and it's one of the reasons why divource rates are so high (1 in 2).

The reason why people loose the passion in the relationship is, the focus moves from loving the person and doing anything for them to giving love when it's only given back or when they try to figure out what they can get out of the relationship. I've written up about this on another forum. I describe it as the 4 levels of relationships. Something that everyone needs to know if they're to have a passionate and fulfilling relationship. You can read more about it - here.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

overitnolove said:


> But I am wondering if that mutual respectand love that we have created together is enough. God knows alot of people go through life without even that, right?
> That initself is somethingsacred, right?
> 
> But I think about being with an out going guy who is fun and layed back and not so restricted as my partner.


It seems like it is not enough, since you are already looking outside the marriage. I would imagine he wouldn't be satisfied with a wife that isnt attracted to him. 

You're relationship is going to be complicated b/c you dont know what you want. You react to situations, but you do not act.


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