# hi im new to this and need advice desperately



## heatbrokenmom (May 6, 2008)

i am 28 and been married for 8 years to my husband. 2 weeks ago he moved out and moved back to his mothers. He says that he doesn't feel the same for me anymore. This is not a shock because we've been having problems but I never thought he would not love me anymore. we have two children, 6 and 4 and my 6 year old is just torn up over daddy leaving. I love him with all my heart and want to work this out and save my marriage but he isn't sure that he can regain feelings for me again. My whole world is collapsing and I feel so helpless. We have both agreed to go to counseling together but i'm so scared it won't work. I'll do anything to fix this and keep my family but I think he's being very selfish right now and isn't really seeing the damage this is causing, or doesn't want to. He told his mom that this will not affect anyone but us but it's affecting everyone. I'm tring to give him space and not push him but it's so hard because I just want him to come home and I miss him so much. Should I give the space and time and quit crying to him when I see him and let the counseling try to work or should I fight for him to come back? Any advice I would be very happy to get.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You ned to land somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. Ask him to take the kids for the day and I am sure they will let him know in there own way they miss him. Beyond that I think the counciling may very well help you but I think you need to find the root of your problem and see if there is some way to fix it. More often then not people just don't fall out of love, there can be a single reason or many.

Don't cry, complain or lay blame on him. Simply ask what he sees wrong and what you can do about fixing it. 

Has there been signs of problems such as Arguments over stuff lately?

draconis


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

As Draconis says, I think you need to aim for a middle ground. No-one finds crying and whining attractive, but on the other hand you do need to let him know how you feel. Ultimately, if he comes back it needs to be because of you, not because of the kids though.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I disagree: I say he moved out because he needed some space and time -- it sounds like you could use the same.

I am not saying go right out and start dating, I am saying work on yourself and anything that YOU feel neglected over. Do you have hobbies or interests that you gave up? Rekindle them. Find out what makes YOU tick again.

You have to be prepared that he may very well reach the decision that he does not want to save the marriage. If that happens, you can either be prepared, or you can be devastated. You said you don't want to sit there crying over him hoping he returns.

As far as "falling out of love", I'm thinking its more of a straw that broke the camels back. There is often a root cause which feeds into other areas of the relationship, but there is also a lot of little things. Really, think of things that might have been the problem and work on fixing them.

But do not beg him and nag him, it will only push him further away.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think you should focus on the problems you say you've been having in your marriage that got you both to this point. If you can really see your role in how things got to where they are and that there are things you could have been doing differently and now would like to, focus on those in counseling and every day life. If he is just fed up with the status quo and doesn't see you wanting to make things different he won't think any differently than he is now. In some cases, it's too little too late for the relationship but it's never too late to make positive changes for yourself so in that sense, it will only help you to look within yourself to make positive change.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Heartbrokenmom

I don’t know if I have enough information about your situation to make a lot of base suggestions but I would encourage you to have hope and faith. Falling back in love can be a long and difficult process. My wife has been out of love with me for several years and we have been actively working on our marriage for nearly a year now. She has still not recovered those deeper feelings of love for me but we have greatly improved many aspects of our relationship. While the past year has been difficult for us both it has had many rewards and great memories. We have enjoyed life together and with our two children. This could take a long time and I want to assure you it can get better for you both. Please look for the positives in your life and take things slow and easy. With time it can get better and I hope you both find happiness together as a couple as quickly as possible. Good luck.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I think that middle ground is always best. I think councilling could help you both. I know it is hurting your children so you need to let them with their dad often. I am a full time stepmom to two beautiful sons. They moved in with us when they were 2 and 4, it was easier on them and they have forgotten most of the bad times during the adjustment of being with my husband and I fulltime. As for marriage it has its ups and downs and if you both want this marriage to work it can. If his heart isn't in this relationship any longer I don't know if councelling is going to work. But you might need one just to help you through this. Stand tall, don't be a weepy lady it isn't becoming to you in the least, and it isn't going to make anything better. Instead of crying focus the energy on helping you and you children get through this tough time. Be positive for yourself and you children. Look at this as an experience that could actually help your marriage last and put your heart into making it better, direct the sad energy to making your life better for you.


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## heatbrokenmom (May 6, 2008)

we argue about everything and mainly it starts with one of his nasty comments about something involving me. And being the way I am I don't let him talk to me that way and give it back. We've been arguing a lot for some time now and I know that is a major problem in our relationship. Now he tells me that he doesn't feel the same for me and that all we do is fight all the time. I still love him very much and him leaving is tearing me apart. I believe that with counseling and help we can get back to being so in love again but he feels it's not going to happen.I think he's making a big irrational mistake and has not given this seperation enough time to really make sure this is right. What do I do now? My gut is telling me to hold on and give this time. I just don't believe that you can't fall back in love again.


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## shane33 (Apr 5, 2008)

From what i have read your problem is in the arguement you guys are attacking each other not bringing up valid points to base an arguement on try useing "I" statements instead of "you" see how it works for you if he is anything like me at all if something is said maybe jokingly or just said but if you flip out over what was said my guard goes up and defences come out and the attack is on before you know it the war is on. For example if he says what are you wearing its funny looking!! instead off saying shove it up ur ass your shirt is stupid looking too!! Try I don't appericiate you talking to me like that or I feel hurt because of that comment please don't say it again. Just try using the I statements and control your temper if something is said take 2 minutes and think about what u are going to say before saying it. I do believe that if you fly off the handel at comments made you are like my wife and when u start to go off we just start to hate the attidued and grow a resentment towards you because it feels like we can not even joke around with you And then it gets to the point where we just won't say anything anymore for fear of another arguement


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I like what Shane said. Another thing I have implemented into a disagreement with my husband is - !!!I never bring up the past!!!, I deal with the moment issue and I deal with it by saying "I feel like this, when this happens" Instead of the "you" did something wrong. I have also learned to not beat a dead horse. If we could both be right on an opinion, I leave the issue after I state my point and he states his point. I try to see it from his angle, and my angle. There is always more than one way to handle a situation. As for your hubby, you have to give him space. If he isn't in love with you and wants out, you can't change him back, you can just look after you.


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## heatbrokenmom (May 6, 2008)

His sense of humor is a bit twisted. The things he says are very hurtful and he zeros in on things that will automatically push my buttons. One day last week we were talking about money and he said to me " Do you want me to add that up for you?" Why would someone say that? It was a smart remark and I do suck at math but, it was still a belittling comment to make. You don't take things that a person is bad at and use it to make them feel worse. I have a strong feeling that things about himself will come up in our sessions that he won't want to deal with and I'm a little worried. I think that besides our marital problems, he may have some issues of his own that he needs to deal with. He says things that are hurtful so in return I do too, but I feel bad about it after but still mad that he said something so nasty to me. He gets irritated with me, says I see things black and white, and he gets frustrated because he's highly intelligent and I'm not. I'm not stupid but I wasn't in special advanced classes in school and my IQ isn't over 180 like his is. I just want to be like, what made you fall in love with me? I just don't get it at all. I don't get any of this.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

You can only deal with your actions. You both need councelling to help you with different options on how to deal with issues. If he is not willing to do this for the relationship then it isn't going to get better. Marriage is a partnership, and he will need to curb his twisted humor and you will have to learn to not lash out. It is a hard road but someone has to be the bigger person if you want your relationship surviving through this. As I said before if he is not willing, it isn't going to get better.


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