# To cheat or not to cheat



## Pantone429c

I married the love of my life right out of college great marriage for the first 7-9 years then the sex started to taper off....yada yada yada....dozens of stories just like mine.

The advise given here is to get divorced or at least serve papers and be legally separated.

Well we all have reasons to stay in a sexless marriage.
The children is one reason.
We like our life style 
Some couples cannot afford to live separate 
Some like myself do not want to reward poor behavior.

Imagine being in a loving relationship lots of sex, we have no children together. I don’t particularly like her family and rarely see them. I do not have much family as i was an only child

The company I work for prefers their executives to be married for image sake.

My personal point of view is this; I have a great marriage, a beautiful wife who is well educated, she holds two masters
and speaks several languages. We rarely argue and never fight. My lawyer tells me despite all her credentials 
She has never held a paying job so she will most likely get 1/2 of my stuff.

How is that fair? So I travel a lot and have 2 lovers one here in the States the other one a different continent.

What could go wrong



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## Wolfman1968

Pantone429c said:


> So I travel a lot and have 2 lovers one here in the States the other one a different continent.
> 
> What could go wrong
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



What could go wrong? 

How about a disease, for starters?

We can talk about the morality of it, etc., but what about a good-old-fashioned STD? Like herpes or HPV?


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## oldshirt

In your first post one month and one day ago you state that you and your wife both said that you each wanted to have sex with each other more. 

In some of your other posts you state that you aren't cheating. 

Could you please clarify and provide more background and detail.


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## sandcastle

You could get out of your Pantone 429c grey range and pick a different color unless being Eeyore suits you.


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## chillymorn69

Maybe shes already cheating on you.


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## TJW

Pantone429c said:


> My lawyer tells me despite all her credentials
> She has never held a paying job so she will most likely get 1/2 of my stuff.
> 
> What could go wrong


If she finds out about your 2 other lovers, and decides to divorce you, she will most likely get MORE than 1/2.


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## GusPolinski

Not.


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## manfromlamancha

You started off a previous thread, provided a tiny bit of information and then dropped off when questions were asked prior to giving advice. As EleGirl pointed out in your last thread that passion in a marriage can be rebuilt. She asked some very relevant questions and you disappeared (almost as if you didn't want to explore that route).

Now you're back asking if its OK to cheat !?!?!?

Your story so far: you married Susan the love of your life. Sex dwindled off ? Over what period ? Was there real passion to start with ?
Any way... you both came back together and decided you did want sex with each other. And then you implied that you were not attracted to her anymore and were guessing that maybe she was not attracted to you too. Definitely worth exploring before doing anything foolish.

This was all in your first thread.

Now you want to know if it is OK to cheat? And the justification you give is to do with preserving your wealth!?!?! Well, even without the information that was sought, IT IS NEVER OK TO CHEAT! Very simple and clear hopefully. If you do, it makes you a [email protected] and I am sure you do not want to be that.

How about starting with answering some of EleGirl's questions from your first post.


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## SentHereForAReason

manfromlamancha said:


> You started off a previous thread, provided a tiny bit of information and then dropped off when questions were asked prior to giving advice. As EleGirl pointed out in your last thread that passion in a marriage can be rebuilt. She asked some very relevant questions and you disappeared (almost as if you didn't want to explore that route).
> 
> Now you're back asking if its OK to cheat !?!?!?
> 
> Your story so far: you married Susan the love of your life. Sex dwindled off ? Over what period ? Was there real passion to start with ?
> Any way... you both came back together and decided you did want sex with each other. And then you implied that you were not attracted to her anymore and were guessing that maybe she was not attracted to you too. Definitely worth exploring before doing anything foolish.
> 
> This was all in your first thread.
> 
> Now you want to know if it is OK to cheat? And the justification you give is to do with preserving your wealth!?!?! Well, even without the information that was sought, IT IS NEVER OK TO CHEAT! Very simple and clear hopefully. If you do, it makes you a [email protected] and I am sure you do not want to be that.
> 
> How about starting with answering some of EleGirl's questions from your first post.


This reminds me of when people call Dr. Laura and they don't like the answer to the first question they had and so they kind of just ignore it and keep asking questions hopefully they will get a validating answer for .....


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## SunCMars

You asked the wrong question....

It is not what could go wrong, what is wrong?
It is what could go right, what is right?

You know neither.
Right from wrong.

You do know money.
That you value.

Value more than right.


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## NickyT

What do you want from us? Absolution?


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## uhtred

I'm in a not very dissimilar situation. I won't fault you for cheating if you are stuck in a near sexless marriage. I understand the feeling that an important part of your life has been stolen from you.

That said, I don't recommend it. Just divorce instead. If you start a relationship with a woman where the sex is good, I think you will find it so much better than your current life that you will end up divorcing anyway. Might as well do it the clean way. 

Still, as I said, I'm not faulting you.


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## sa58

Maybe your wife is smarter than what you think.
Maybe she all ready knows about your cheating.
Maybe she does not want to have sex with you 
because of fear of STDs.
Maybe she is just waiting until she has enough 
evidence to take over half your income.
Maybe she knows since you stated she is
beautiful, loving, highly educated (two master degree)
that after she divorces you for cheating she will
have no problem finding someone else. AND BETTER!!
You should seriously take a look at what you are
going to lose and try and fix it first. If it cannot
be fixed, divorce first then find someone else.
Since your job prefers you to be married,
do not treat your wife as arm candy or window
dressing.


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## jorgegene

personally, in that situation, i would take on a mistress. that mistress in my case is my right hand.

btw, i was once in a sexless marriage like you, so i took on that mistress. that's the right way, either that or leave IMHO.

life is never fair, and we just have to keep on, without cheating on ourselves, or others.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Pantone429c said:


> I married the love of my life right out of college great marriage for the first 7-9 years then the sex started to taper off....yada yada yada....dozens of stories just like mine.
> 
> The advise given here is to get divorced or at least serve papers and be legally separated.
> 
> Well we all have reasons to stay in a sexless marriage.
> The children is one reason.
> We like our life style
> Some couples cannot afford to live separate
> Some like myself do not want to reward poor behavior.
> 
> Imagine being in a loving relationship lots of sex, we have no children together. I don’t particularly like her family and rarely see them. I do not have much family as i was an only child
> 
> The company I work for prefers their executives to be married for image sake.
> 
> My personal point of view is this; I have a great marriage, a beautiful wife who is well educated, she holds two masters
> and speaks several languages. We rarely argue and never fight. My lawyer tells me despite all her credentials
> She has never held a paying job so she will most likely get 1/2 of my stuff.
> 
> How is that fair? So I travel a lot and have 2 lovers one here in the States the other one a different continent.
> 
> What could go wrong


So basically what your post tells me is that you don't actually care about your wife's feelings as a human being, and you aren't willing to put any effort into fixing the intimate part of your relationship. You got her in the first place because she was useful for your image and for sex. Now that the sex is dwindling, you want to replace her except that you aren't willing to accept the financial consequences, so you are outsourcing just the sex part?

Women are people too, not just a resource to toss away when it starts to age and operate less smoothly.


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## FalCod

Whatever. If I believed your story, I'd think you were a loser.


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## naiveonedave

why is a woman with two masters degrees not working? If you were to D, you would really want her to have a job nominally equivalent to yours to avoid alimony. Also, alimony is less the shorter the marriage, so D now to save $.


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## Pantone429c

Wolfman1968 said:


> What could go wrong?
> 
> 
> 
> How about a disease, for starters?
> 
> 
> 
> We can talk about the morality of it, etc., but what about a good-old-fashioned STD? Like herpes or HPV?




That is of concern but everything in life (at least fun stuff) comes with some risk. 




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## Pantone429c

sandcastle said:


> You could get out of your Pantone 429c grey range and pick a different color unless being Eeyore suits you.




Interesting way to pick a screen name, Pantone #s. Maybe I should of gone with 711C as it better suits me.



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## Pantone429c

oldshirt said:


> In your first post one month and one day ago you state that you and your wife both said that you each wanted to have sex with each other more.
> 
> 
> 
> In some of your other posts you state that you aren't cheating.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you please clarify and provide more background and detail.




When I first found this site and decided to wade in was because of another man ....his Handle is lonelygent (something like that) and his story was very similar to how my wife had been treating me up until approximately 1 yr ago. I think her attitude towards me has changed because I no longer pester her for sex and I had also fundamentally changed as man. I not a better man, but I am a very happy man 




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## sandcastle

Pantone429c said:


> Interesting way to pick a screen name, Pantone #s. Maybe I should of gone with 711C as it better suits me.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


You clearly are on a different level than the non- Pantone users here.

Rock on.


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## oldshirt

Pantone429c said:


> When I first found this site and decided to wade in was because of another man ....his Handle is lonelygent (something like that) and his story was very similar to how my wife had been treating me up until approximately 1 yr ago. I think her attitude towards me has changed because I no longer pester her for sex and I had also fundamentally changed as man. I not a better man, but I am a very happy man
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


OK but that doesn't really answer my question or provide any meaningful background info. 

Are you or are you not having sex with your wife at this time? (as in have you had sex a number of times in 2018)


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## toblerone

Pantone429c said:


> How is that fair?


i like how you list the reasons other people might not get divorced, tell us that none of that applies to you, and decide that you'd rather cheat than give her a couple years worth of alimony.

not like you can't afford it dude, you'd just rather cheat to spite her.


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## Pantone429c

oldshirt said:


> In your first post one month and one day ago you state that you and your wife both said that you each wanted to have sex with each other more.
> 
> 
> 
> In some of your other posts you state that you aren't cheating.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you please clarify and provide more background and detail.



Up until a couple of years ago I wasn’t cheating. When I am home (the State that I live in ) with my wife I am 100% a husband. 

Sex, yes but I don’t enjoy duty sex ...we are naked in bed she was all over me and then she changes ..... starts pulling away from me.

I ask what is wrong and she says she is no longer in the mood maybe in the morning. I say that won’t work I am playing golf in the morning. She says well maybe is you were to go down on me I’ll get back in the mood.
( The me from 3 years ago would get right on that). The current me says ...... I have a better idea, You give me some head and maybe that will put you back into the mood.

Needless to say she was a bit flustered... the following day we had a long and somewhat heated conversation about what I was willing to put up with and what I was sick and tired of . I have had some sex with my wife this year and it has felt like duty sex ( If My cell was on the night stand I might of got on facebook)


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## Pantone429c

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe shes already cheating on you.




Honestly ? I don’t care!


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## Not

Pantone429c said:


> I married the love of my life right out of college great marriage for the first 7-9 years then the sex started to taper off....yada yada yada....dozens of stories just like mine.
> 
> The advise given here is to get divorced or at least serve papers and be legally separated.
> 
> Well we all have reasons to stay in a sexless marriage.
> The children is one reason.
> We like our life style
> Some couples cannot afford to live separate
> Some like myself do not want to reward poor behavior.
> 
> Imagine being in a loving relationship lots of sex, we have no children together. I don’t particularly like her family and rarely see them. I do not have much family as i was an only child
> 
> The company I work for prefers their executives to be married for image sake.
> 
> My personal point of view is this; I have a great marriage, a beautiful wife who is well educated, she holds two masters
> and speaks several languages. We rarely argue and never fight. My lawyer tells me despite all her credentials
> She has never held a paying job so she will most likely get 1/2 of *my stuff*.
> 
> How is that fair? So I travel a lot and have 2 lovers one here in the States the other one a different continent.
> 
> What could go wrong
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


The bolded reveals a lot in regards to how you think.


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## Pantone429c

toblerone said:


> i like how you list the reasons other people might not get divorced, tell us that none of that applies to you, and decide that you'd rather cheat than give her a couple years worth of alimony.
> 
> 
> 
> not like you can't afford it dude, you'd just rather cheat to spite her.




The vast majority of opinions here when talking about a sexless marriage is either Live with it, work it out through MC or some other way or divorce. I am pointing out that there is a 4th option.

I reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the way I was being treated.

I tried MC ......i was willing to do anything to make our marriage work.

Divorce is not an option for me for many reasons ....money isn’t one of them.

The 4th option is to find a woman who fills the void or several women if necessary.






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## Pantone429c

sa58 said:


> Maybe your wife is smarter than what you think.
> 
> Maybe she all ready knows about your cheating.
> 
> Maybe she does not want to have sex with you
> 
> because of fear of STDs.
> 
> Maybe she is just waiting until she has enough
> 
> evidence to take over half your income.
> 
> Maybe she knows since you stated she is
> 
> beautiful, loving, highly educated (two master degree)
> 
> that after she divorces you for cheating she will
> 
> have no problem finding someone else. AND BETTER!!
> 
> You should seriously take a look at what you are
> 
> going to lose and try and fix it first. If it cannot
> 
> be fixed, divorce first then find someone else.
> 
> Since your job prefers you to be married,
> 
> do not treat your wife as arm candy or window
> 
> dressing.




It is a two way street, my wife uses me in a similar way “window dressing”. All her friends, mostly over educated snobs.





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## Pantone429c

Hopeful Cynic said:


> So basically what your post tells me is that you don't actually care about your wife's feelings as a human being, and you aren't willing to put any effort into fixing the intimate part of your relationship. You got her in the first place because she was useful for your image and for sex. Now that the sex is dwindling, you want to replace her except that you aren't willing to accept the financial consequences, so you are outsourcing just the sex part?
> 
> 
> 
> Women are people too, not just a resource to toss away when it starts to age and operate less smoothly.




Wow! That is an interesting spin......totally wrong. Now if I were t(e kind of guy who didn’t care about her feelings she probably wouldn’t be the way she is. 

As I see it the nice guys are the ones women walk all over. The husband that is working 10-16 hrs daily, the husband that would like to go fishing but has to work weekends because his wife refuses to work period.


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## Pantone429c

TJW said:


> If she finds out about your 2 other lovers, and decides to divorce you, she will most likely get MORE than 1/2.




In for a penny


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## Hopeful Cynic

Pantone429c said:


> Wow! That is an interesting spin......totally wrong. Now if I were t(e kind of guy who didn’t care about her feelings she probably wouldn’t be the way she is.


You're cheating on her. How can you possibly convince us that you care about her feelings?



Pantone429c said:


> As I see it the nice guys are the ones women walk all over. The husband that is working 10-16 hrs daily, the husband that would like to go fishing but has to work weekends because his wife refuses to work period.


So don't let her walk all over you. If she won't work, don't work yourself extra to make up the difference. Just limit the household spending till she gets frustrated.

"Sorry honey, we can't afford those clothes/makeup/haircuts for you. Sorry honey, we can't afford a trip like that. Sorry honey, we can't afford that car. None of that is possible on my single income."

Marriage is teamwork.


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## chillymorn69

Hmm

If you got it all figured out then why did you post on here?

I have been on this board for quite awhile and others that gave their opinion have also. We have lived it read about it and seen it play out numerous times! 

You can lead a horse to water.....

So now I will give you what you came for..... your right man yea just hook up on the side f her. 


Now you can sleep easy tonight. No guilt.

But don't be suprised when you look back after you get caught and your world gets knocked off kilter.

Then you will be on here giving the same advice that you didn't take yourself.


Good luck.


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## Pantone429c

naiveonedave said:


> why is a woman with two masters degrees not working?  If you were to D, you would really want her to have a job nominally equivalent to yours to avoid alimony. Also, alimony is less the shorter the marriage, so D now to save $.




She doesn’t need the money, she does some volunteer work. 
I do not want a divorce.
My wife is content in her life 
As am I
Divorce isn’t always the answer, it is not my answer that is a fact.


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## sandcastle

What is the Pantone # of the year?


The mistress talk has become boring.


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## Pantone429c

NickyT said:


> What do you want from us? Absolution?




You do not have that kind of power.


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## NickyT

Pantone429c said:


> You do not have that kind of power.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



There was no point to your post as far as I can see. You didn't ask for advice. You openly admitted to and attempted to justify your cheating. My question is simple: What do you want from us?
Possible answers that I can think of:
admiration
approval
absolution


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## Natthewife

A she's already cheating and being just as careful and smug as u are 
B she does get half everything when this all comes crashing down which it will. 

If she's not already cheating I pray u slip up, again which u will and she takes u to the cleaners. 

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## threelittlestars

So why cheat? Just be honest, Honey i dont ****ing want to **** YOU anymore. im GOING TO GET (ME) sum wheres else. 

Classic, selfish entitled *******..... Im sorry for your wife, because YOU DONT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.


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## AKA Broken Arrow

I'm not going to judge your life choices but your company prefers their executives to be married? That's just weird and it's certainly not a reason to stay married IMO.


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