# Need advice



## Doris Ruffles (Sep 10, 2011)

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but I'm looking for other people's opinions on what to do about my marriage.

I've been married to my husband for 4 years and we've been together for 6. When we met I was 18 and had just come out of a horrible relationship. I had post natal depression and he was just what I needed. We had lots of fun, and it's been good really until the last year or two. I think partly what it is is things that didn't bother me then are now.

Part of me really wants to leave, but the other part says no, you now have a baby together who needs both her parents, and it isn't really that bad so why not just stay where its easier? 

The problems are really that I don't feel he is enough for me anymore. I'm vastly more academic than he is and he has no ambition. He's a cleaner and shies away from any further education or training. Another problem is is that when I am away from him and I get talking with a more intelligent man - I don't mean this nastily, just someone who I can have a decent conversation wit, not just about his latest score on Call of Duty - I am tempted to cheat. I have cheated a few times, because I just feel unsatisfied. Thing is, he always forgives me because he loves me.

In the bedroom, he never relinquishes control. I'm expected to do it regularly, even though I rarely feel like it. I was abused as a child and have lots of hangups, and though I would like to try s'exual healing, I know I never would be able to with my husband because he would get impatient, and I could never relax enough to get anywhere. He said we could try healing "as long as it always ends in sex". Now I start to resent having sex with him. When we first met I was confused and we used to swing together, which I did enjoy, but now I've had counselling I no longer want to share my body, because it reinforces my sexual abuse mind set. This has really disappointed him and I haven't had the heart to tell him I probably won't want to again, ever. Every time I sleep with another man it makes me feel like a *****, and I don't want to be one ever again.

He's very moody and controlling. I often feels he doesn't want me to be me, he wants the perfect wife to cook and clean and raise the baby. I try to talk to him about how I feel (in this area) but he either brushes what I say aside, or makes me feel guilty by throwing my infidelity back in my face. He's also quite abusive to my 14yr old stepson who has behavioural problems, verbally, used to be physically although he's not really like that anymore. I hate that side of him and quite a few times I've been scared of him. We also both smoke weed, and although I've tried to get him to give up many times, he always buys more and more than a few times it's landed us in financial hot water.

My mother wants me to leave him and move back up to Wales, but I don't know if I want to leave this new city we recently moved to, but the thought of living here alone (as a single mother in my own flat) terrifies me. Equally, I don't want to live in rural Wales anymore where there are no jobs or much to do. I hate myself because I feel like I'm being a coward not leaving, but it isn't bad all the time and I feel like I'd be giving up, having wasted the last 6 yrs. Also I wouldn't want to take our baby far away from him. I just don't know what to do.

I know I have behaved badly, so please don't anyone say this is all my fault because I cheated. That is just a symptom of the whole. Anyone with constructive ideas, I'd welcome them. Thank you for reading.


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## NewlyWedMomy (Sep 10, 2011)

I can relate to so much of what your saying hun and have found my self in sooo many of the same things you've found your self in!

As far as leaving... HONESTLY I believe you should! ANY type of abuse is NOT acceptable! How would you feel if the way he is to your stepson, he started being to your child! Don't underestamate him!!! You deserve the best as does your child REGARDLESS if you cheated or not!!! You need to start thinking about the well being and happiness of your self and your child!! 

Beinga single mother ISN'T the worst thing hun! You become a much stronger women because of it! I was with a man for 2 years whom was abusive and I FINALLY left when my daughter was a a year old! I was a single Mother and let me tell you... I LOVED my life and all the new adventures I took on! 

Do what's right, SAFE, best, and happier for YOU and your CHILD! 

Bets of luck hun!


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