# question for truly remorseful waywards



## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

How common is it during the process of R for the WS to initially get defensive/distant when there is a trigger only to come back within a few minutes and talk? 

I ask this because we have been in R for 9 months and mostly things are going well, the triggers are not as frequent but when they occur, especially if my H is just getting in from work or is stressed about something else he initially reacts by getting tense and somewhat distant but then we talk and he apologizes and says he understands my point that I need his reaction to be more empathetic and less about him feeling like we are decending into a bad place. He does not walk away without talking to me. We always seem to resolve it. 

He says he feels worried when I trigger because he thought we were doing so well. I tell him that I know he wants me to be back to normal but I can't help it when I trigger and the most loving thing he could do when I do trigger is to tell me once again he is sorry and that loves me and to hug me. But I feel even worse that I have to tell him that's what I need. I feel that he should just know/want to do that.

I just don't know if it's normal for the WS to react the way he does from time to time during R. It doesn't happen every time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Timing is everything. The fact that some one wants to talk to me about how shameful and humiliating something I did and wants to talk about it can be overwelming after I just came from a place were i would have killed the person that cut me off on my way home from work.

Or....after dealing with making money or lossing money and my betrayed spouse came up and wanted to know something about my evil horrible thing I ddi to someone I love would be hard.

Hell on a good day its hard to deal with the one thing I thought I would never become...but with that said .....

I have to say my WW and I get alot more acomplished when talking about the talkm before the talk happens helps.

I would allways tell my WW in the morning that in the evening I wanted to talk abot OM #1 OR OM #19.

This gave her chance to recall her memeory bank...since OM #19 was ONS or OM#1 happened 13 years ago.

The point is even with a trigger it worked for us to be forwarned about what needed to be adressed.


This crap is painful and betrayed ...hell yes but the wayward if truely remorseful it some serious crap also.... I know my old lady didn;t grow up wanting to cheat just like I didn;t grow up hitt women.....its jst as painful to talk about the evil thing we did as its is to talk about the evil thing that were donr to us.

The important thing is its talked about and finding the right time is more effective then standing on top of his car as he pulls in the garage...wanting to talk about triggers.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

My WH doesn't get too defensive, but he does get a little distant and at a loss for words, right at the moment that I hit him with a trigger. But he always comes to his senses and apoligizes to me and tells me he loves me. 

What I have to watch out for in my WH is, at times when I trigger he plays the victim role and says things like, "I don't like him" and "I am a bad person"


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> I tell him that I know he wants me to be back to normal but I can't help it when I trigger and the most loving thing he could do when I do trigger is to tell me once again he is sorry and that loves me and to hug me. But I feel even worse that I have to tell him that's what I need. I feel that he should just know/want to do that.


I am a BS, and I can point out that even though you really feel this way, it is nor fair to your partner. Humans are not mind readers, we need to actually say what we need from each other. Expecting the other person to just know, and to hold it against them when they fail at just knowing contributes to the bad conditions conducive to affairs IMHO. So don't resent him, tell him plainly what you need, what will help you.


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> How common is it during the process of R for the WS to initially get defensive/distant when there is a trigger only to come back within a few minutes and talk?
> 
> I ask this because we have been in R for 9 months and mostly things are going well, the triggers are not as frequent but when they occur, especially if my H is just getting in from work or is stressed about something else he initially reacts by getting tense and somewhat distant but then we talk and he apologizes and says he understands my point that I need his reaction to be more empathetic and less about him feeling like we are decending into a bad place. He does not walk away without talking to me. We always seem to resolve it.
> 
> ...


Being a bs myself I can't say how a WS should be reacting to your triggers several months past dday. I do however think that for as long as it takes he/she should be doing very thing in their power to offer you reassurance that they are truly sorry for hurting you and that they love you. I don't think you should have to ask to be held when your having a hard time with triggers, it should be a given.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

completely_lost said:


> I don't think you should have to ask to be held when your having a hard time with triggers, it should be a given.


I'll agree that yes it can definitely feel like it should be a given. The thing is, both people are in a very highly charged situation. The signals the WS is getting from the BS can be pretty mixed, very confusing. 

I know that sometimes when I felt overtaken by emotions, I really probably could have used hugs, and calmness, and reassurance, but I let it be known in no uncertain terms that she was the last person on earth that I would turn to, because she was the one causing those feelings. Should she have disregarded me and held me? I don't think so. Did I need to be held? Very much so. 

I suppose the best advice for the WS is to try to be unwavering in your commitment to your spouse. If they are sending mixed signals, you need to be the steady one. Be calm, offer all the support you can. Dig deep, because your partner is digging deep to try to overcome the betrayal. If your BS gets upset, try to work through it. If you can do that, it will help immeasurably.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you everyone for replying. I agree that our spouses can't read our minds and I always tell my husband when he does something that upsets me and I also tell him when he does something that makes me happy. This particular trigger happened about 30 minutes before he came in and he walked in on me crying. I usually do try to time our talks to more convenient times. 

I have been specific with him in the past about how loved it makes me feel when he grabs my hand for no reason or how much it would mean to me to get an unsolicited hug if I am feeling down. No words even need to be spoken. The thing is he has said to me that he knows sometimes that I am sad but he avoids asking me at those times because he doesn't want to stir the pot (bad sign I know). That is what bothers me and I have told him it's a problem and sends a message. 

My husband is a conflict avoider and I am a recovering conflict avoider. Talking about unpleasant things is a new dynamic for us and he seems to be struggling more than me to get to a place of good communication....and I was the one betrayed. I made it easy for him initially because I asked very few questions. I didn't feel ready to ask the questions then but now, 9 months later, the questions are coming and I think that confuses him a little bit. He may have thought he was done answering questions. 

There are a million things great and small that my husband could do to make me feel special but in order for them to have the desired affect he needs to come to it on his own and be genuine and sincere. It would mean absolutely nothing to me if I told him what to do and he complied....and he would probably do whatever I asked. I am holding out hope that as we move forward he will find ways on his own to make me feel loved. 

Also, EverRain, that is another issue we have. My husband turns it around to be about him too. How he is a terrible husband or how he doesn't like to talk about it because he is ashamed. I always have to redirect and tell him that he can't try to make it about himself, I need to vent my pain and not feel like I have to somehow make him feel better. I do not believe he does this consciously. 

Just as a side note. I believe that the way my husband deals with conflict is due this incredibly screwed up childhood. Alcoholic mother and a father who was abusive to her. They always fought and they would both become violent. He truthfully thought they may one day kill each other. They didn't censor themselves in front of him. He learned to just be quiet and agreeable. No excuses just an explaination about his development.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I totally understand the value of it coming from within, as opposed to as a result of your prompting. There are obvious hurdles for your husband. He is going to have to learn to face them and overcome them, for the good of the relationship. Conflict avoidance is not a strategy that is going to work out in the long run, you know that, it should be apparent to him too. Does your husband come on this forum? It would probably be good if he read this thread. It might be less threatening, less personal to talk about it with outsiders at first, like you are.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

No he does not come on this forum. This is just for me 

I always try my best when I speak with him to make it easier for him to be open and honest. Sometimes I even write him letters. It's therapeutic for me to write things out.

I am working on being less dependent on him (emotionally and finacially). He supports me in that effort which is good. It's tough to change when you are 45 and have been emotionally battered by infidelity. It's been a real gut punch. But I am doing my best.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I hear you, both on the writing (great way to really sort out your thoughts) and the change. It has been a year this week for me. I feel like I have been in almost constant fight or flight mode up until a few days ago, like I've been living in a constant meat grinder. We made lots of progress in some ways, and it felt like none in others, or that I would go backwards sometimes. I feel like I'm moving on again now, I found this forum a couple weeks ago, and it had been tremendously helpful.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I feel hopeful and confident about the future, that I'm letting go of the past, and doing what needs to be done now to have a great marriage, a great life!


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