# Stabilizing your life: How long will it take?



## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I started subscribing to a free newsletter DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups and I know we have all asked the questions when will this end etc..... so I just wanted to share the information below. The website is tied into some Christian foundations so don't want to offend anyone but just share the basis of this newsletter. 

So far I have enjoyed having the emails come to me daily. It feels like my daily dose of therapy. I am saving all of them and read them constantly as I focus on caring and recovering during this process.

Stabilizing Your Life: How Long Will It Take?
Day 13

Each person's recovery experience is unique, and there is no guarantee on how much time it will take until you feel whole again. Although you cannot be certain about the date, you can be certain about the healing, and in order to heal, you must take some specific steps. The first step, as we have said before, is to point yourself in the right direction. Second, make a commitment to moving forward. Third, acknowledge that what you are experiencing is normal. The fourth step is to understand that you must go through the recovery process.

"Let the pain run its course," says Rob Eagar. "As humans we are so focused on wanting to feel good all the time. Then when hurt and pain come into our lives, we do anything to get rid of it. Understand that it is going to hurt for a while. Having that realization helped me to face my pain and to be able to say, 'Okay, this is how it's going to be.'" 

An important part of your healing is based on your understanding that recovery is a process, and it is a process you must go through, despite the pain.

"Give me understanding that I may live" (Psalm 119:144). 

Lord, I did not choose this pain, and I am so tired of it. Help me to understand that there are no shortcuts in divorce recovery. Help me realize that I must walk this journey of healing no matter how long it takes. Amen.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Wow, this is great. Keep these pearls of wisdom coming ;o) That is exactly how my situation played and coninues to play out.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

d1221:
Oh the pain, in the beginning, was just terrible along with the deceit, the casting aside, lies and the dissolving of trust. I know all of us who have had this happen to us feel the same way. 

I am in my 3rd month and the pain has lessened but today is not a good day because my STBX had been kind numerous occasions yesterday and it sparked my hope. We are stuck in the same household until the house sells. And sometimes it is hell. I know he is still texting and talking to the EA and it hurts when that thought pops up in my mind.

I was confused over his kindness because he hadn't talked to me for days and days since we signed the papers. And suddenly, he prepares a meal (that I like) and does other things. I would rather not talk and keep the distance. This kindness hurts more.

Anyway, good luck with any decisions you make and keep posting.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Sparkles422

I see how the mixed feelings could be overwhelming. Hang in there and do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. I am so over the lies he even lied about how long he has been with his girlfriend and his address I needed for mail purposes. He has moved in with her and thinks I dont know I am just over it.

The house is in my name so I am preparing to rent it. Once I do, I wont come back here. I work a couple of hours away and we were seeing eachother every 3to4 days until he started faking being in a marriage with me for months but pics prove differently whatever now...

I can see how it would be hard staying in same household.

I am changing locks tomorrow he is suppose to get the rest of his stuff, my mom says I am being too nice I just dont have the energy for all of that I just need my peace so I can continue to heal in spite of all this that feels like it gets worse finding out more stuff about spouse that keeps lying.

Hang in there....the kindness of your H keeps you on an emotional rollercoaster ...sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I guess it won't begin to feel like it is stabilizing until the actual D starts. Right now I am feeling worse each day, not better


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sad, I hope it starts to be better for you. I have not finalized mine but I think I am getting better everyday - except today. I am a bit confused today. We went out to make some home improvement purcashes since we now have the house to the market and on the way home, she reached out and held my hand while I was driving. She started shedding tears. I comforted her and told her we were giong to be alright - I tried to make her smile by saying to her that I know where she is at - Can't stand to live with him, Can't stand to be without him! She did get a little better after that. I am just really making a mistake especially after I had already started doing so well? I dunno. I am sure it's over for us but we should end up being good friends. It's really the best scenario for me I think. I just hope we don't get hurt seeing each other with another mate in the future.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My H and I went together today to a wake for the Mom of mutual friends, we knew we would talk afterward, didn't take long. While we were in the car on the ride home, we reviewed some things we had talked about at MC. He came into the house when we got here, made tea and sat with me to talk. He is still saying he is going through with the D, can't see anyway that we could be together. He continues to think we should go to couples counseling, as that will help us both with relationships. I said again that it makes me think too much about how we could work this out if he just committed to it. He said he can't. I just want to love him, I don't know what else to do.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sad. I am so sorry; i understand, to me it feels like despair at times. I am still puzzled though, by the fact that your are stiil going to MC after all this. Itseems like there is something else making him wwmant to go; and i.domt believe it has to do with learning how to live adter the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I know, that is what I am thinking now, so I offered to go back to see the MC today and he said he thinks I was right, a break for a few weeks, then go back. But we are going to talk on our own this week. I also just learned that he told a friend tonight that we are getting divorced.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Geez sad, I just saw my last post. I swear I wasn't drunk when I typed that. What was I doing? Seeing double typing on my cell phone! LOL.

Well, I know about telling friends. It's uncomfortable, it's embarressing. My stbxw broke it to her family before she spoke to me about it. I felt betrayed but hey, I'm over it now. From there we went to the kids, my parents, and my sister. In that order. And then came the freinds. It's like a runaway freight train, like a frickin' nightmare on steroids! I guess once you get to the friends, there's no stopping it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Stable? Eh, I felt stable about 2 months after separation once my wife asked me for a divorce. At that point I had already mourned the loss of our marriage, my friend, 10 years of ignorant innocence ext...Once she asked for a divorce I resigned myself that this was happening and really it was a good feeling. I certainly did not want it, but being out of limbo was like being set free. 

Am I healed and all better at the 4 month mark? Oh definitely not. 

That will take time. I will say that keeping myself busy the first couple months seeing friends, taking trips was a huge help. I still spend a lot of time on the go now, but I can also lounge at home and not constantly grieve. Dating has helped a great deal. (Even if it is friendly and not romantic) 

My two cents


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well Oak, I am glad to hear the dating did help some. That is my plan because I need to have the interaction with someone else. You never know maybe someday, dating will become romantic. At least I will strive for that down the road. For now I am glad to see someone mention dating. Most everyone else on here (not all of them) seem to want to stay as far away from a relationship as possible. I do am not a loner but I am not co-dependant either. If I think about, i have actually been pretty independant for over 20 years now. I did just about everything around the house. Yes, she helped a lot but there is nothing that I did not take care of.

Anyway, thanks for mentioning the dating even if at least it was getting the hell out of the house.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Bright, 

Glad you feel that way about dating. For me it was not difficult to start dating, but I am being careful whom I choose. Even though my ex would probably not care, I did not want to have a sexual relationship while I was still married. Just did not sit right with me. A couple times I reallllllyyyy thought that might change, but if I can make it to Friday (when my divorce is final) I will have met that goal lol...

The other reason I say friendly versus romantic is because I am like a crack addict right now. I was in love for 10 years. I CRAVE that companionship, even though I too consider myself pretty independent, especially these days. I do not want to fall for someone simply because I am vulnerable, and I do not want them to fall for me when I clearly am trying to keep things casual and not exclusive. 

So. I will be separating my dates into casual flings that can be fun and good company but without strings attached...and into the friendly dates with people I want to have a longer term relationships with, but I will not take it to a sexual level unless they fully understand where I am.

Complicated? You betcha. Surprisingly a lot of people do understand and are willing to be members of one of those groups. I just tell them upfront my expectations.

Unsurprisingly I also meet some that immediately see "Tall, handsome, recently divorced, able to commit, good job" and hold on as tight as they can! Flattering, but not what I want right now. I'm a decent guy, but I have my issues and I sure as hell have my baggage right now. The better I protect myself the more I protect them too.


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