# The wayward wife



## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Hello!

I should have posted on here earlier; this has been a rough year. My wife and I met when we were 18 and 15 (1999) me being older. We had a bunch of rough patches in our teens and early 20's. We got married in 2006, had our first child in 2007, and second in 2011. We laugh together, I only work 40 hours per week, she had been a stay at home mother, I helped with the chores, built a decent career, bought a home, managed finances and we have a always had an active sexual relationship.

She suffers from fits of depression in the fall and winter and she is upbeat and optimistic in the spring and summer (she has never sought treatment aside from a few months of therapy and both of her siblings are bipolar). These depressed times make her very jealous and needy, so since we have been married I have severed ties with a lot of friends and have become emasculated which made me insecure and probably not very attractive to her. I hate to bring this up because she hates when I do, but I think it's relevant.

The year before we got married she had a one night stand and told me that she was unsure of her identity, and wanted to be independent. She wanted to leave me to move in with her brother. We didn't have children at the time, so I didn't put up a fight. She wanted to see me often while she was gone, so I stayed most weekends with her. She returned to live at our apartment the following spring, and told me she wanted to be my wife. We married and had children, they're great, well rounded, and smart. A few years ago we decided to an abortion, she being afraid because of how little patience she has with the two and me because we were barely scraping by financially. We both immediately regretted it and were ashamed. The following year she was pregnant again and we thought we could redeem ourselves, we became excited, and told everyone.

Unfortunately the pregnancy was ectopic and my wife went though some grueling and painful surgeries to terminate it. We were both devastated and I wasn't fully there for her. I know it was more painful for her than I, but she also wasn't for me. She doesn't come out and say what she needs or how she is feeling. The following year my wife's super awesome, loving grandmother whom we both adored and my wife was closest to passed away. She became depressed, emotionally and detached this lasted until late winter of this year. Last year I landed a good job and our financial burdens were melting away. We bought a great home and things seemed to be going well. 

This spring she had a one night stand with a complete stranger. She told me a week after, she seemed excited. We argued that night and in the end I told her that it was just sex and I could forgive her, but she said she was obsessed and wanted to see him again. She wanted to be "polyamorous" and see him and me. I was tried to stand my ground, but she said she would leave. I was upset she said she wanted a divorce. She was showing no remorse or sympathy. I was weak and caught off guard. So this is when my weakness consumed me. I fell into depression, slept very little, lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I would come home and she would be super happy and I was a wreck. She urged me to see someone else, so I could see how exciting it was. So, I met someone, talked to her for a couple of weeks via text and had a friendly date at a bar (I came straight home after). Well this was a ticket for my wife, so she started scouring dating sights and craigslist of all places. The woman that I met was very physically attracted to me and in my weakness and desire, I slept with her on our second date. 

My wife then met someone, went to a bar with him and drove home at 2am drunk, and had slept with him. I was furious! Not only that she slept with, but also she was so drunk she could hardly walk. Our affairs went on for a couple of months, all the while she had this crazy sex drive, and we continued to have sex. She didn't have a lot of self doubt and her normal awkward insecure self vanished. But now she is returning to normal with the self doubt, negative self loathing, our affairs have ended, and she doesn't talk about it or her feelings. I have regained my confidence and want closure, so today I came home (we have about 15 minutes between me arriving from work and her leaving for work) I told her I want closure now while I am strong. She says she has the urge to leave, but loves me and doesn't want to lose our friendship. I told her that I don't know how I'll feel, but she has to make a decision. I asked her to get to the core of that urge, so we can either rebuild our relationship or she can go. I'm at a loss. 

Please help


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)




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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

I should mention that the man she had a one night stand with said that he was ashamed and didn't want to see her again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1) Paragraphs are pretty cool.

2) Pull the plug on your sham of a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Thanks for the cynicism, Gus. I love her, we grew up together, we have children, and she can't financially take care of herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Asleep,

You need to find the OMs your WW has been sleeping with and expose them to everyone especially to their wives and girlfriends.

You also need to tell everyone about your WWs affairs and yours, esp. your children and your WW parents. 

Get a timeline for these affair from your WW and then a polygraph.

If the woman you slept with has a husband or boyfriend you should make your apology.

There has to be consequences for your WWs actions.

I don't need to tell you you made your situation 10x worse by cheated, your WW turned you into her.

I'm not in favor of divorce but extraordinary measures need to be taken.

Tamat


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Tamat,

I will not tell my children!
The other people involved knew we were married and were single.
Polygraph? I don't get what that will show.
I don't want my wife to stay because she is full of guilt and misery. I want her to be happy and healthy. I guess I should be more clear than please help.
How can I convince her to get help and see things clearly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Asleep,

The reason I am asking you to expose is so that you no longer have to carry around this horrible secret that is eating you alive. You did not cheat but yet you have to pay for her crime. This is what I call the reverse victimization of infidelity.

When someone robs a bank we put it in the news with the guys face, yet that's only money, how much more than money is lost when someone breaks up a family?

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Asleep,

There were no consequences for her cheating on you before marriage and you are now paying the price.

I understand this when my W cheated on me before we were married I "just let it go" , or so I thought but the fact is that she never again loved me the way she once did and my rugsweeping did not make it go away.

Tamat


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's a serial cheater and is damaged goods. Any woman that trolls Craigslist for a stranger to have sex with is trash. I know it hurts but she is no longer the woman of your youth. 

You see the haughty attitude. That "confidence" is from all the sexual experience she's having with many strange men. She is now thinking she can snap her fingers and get a man but she, like most women, confuse their sex rank with the marriage rank. Yes many men will be willing to take a few helpings of some free, probably very wanton, sex. Not many men will take an adulteress woman with kids and support her and be there for her psychotic episodes but your wife thinks you are easily replaceable.

I recommend that you see a lawyer ASAP for advice.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Get the books

"Surviving an affair"

"fall in love stay in love"

"his needs her needs"

By Dr Willard Harley


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Thanks for the cynicism, Gus. I love her, we grew up together, we have children, and she can't financially take care of herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, that explains it. Hence, I'll sanction giving her a hall pass. After all my man, you ain't goin anywhere and she knows it. In the mean time, check out the cuckold sites. The guys in your shoes swear by um.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Thanks for the cynicism, Gus. I love her, we grew up together, we have children, and she can't financially take care of herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then why are you here? You can't fix her. If you're going to stay you'd better stock up on good quality condoms so you don't catch anything.


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Keep the cynicism coming, guess I need the comradery more than anything


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Thanks for the cynicism, Gus. I love her, we grew up together, we have children, and she can't financially take care of herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You love her. That's sweet. Love isn't enough. She has a host of issues she isn't seeking treatment for and, on top of that, she seems to be naturally non-monogamous. 

You grew up together. So what? People don't stay children forever. You were 15 and 18. The human brain doesn't even fully develop until age 25. You aren't the same people you were back then.

You have children. Ok, so make the divorce amicable and co-parent the kids from separate non-dysfunctional homes.

She can't support herself. Not your problem. Perhaps she should have thought about that before risking her marriage along her and her children's financial stability and security for some exciting ego kibbles and new d!ck.

I have been where you are. I met and married exH as a teenager. We had kids. We both had affairs. The marriage was a sham and I eventually ended it. One of the best decisions I ever made.

ETA: Pure Michigan, eh? Gotta love the Murder Mitten.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I now pronounce you Psychologist and Wife. You may now counsel the bride.

Hey, OP, you think she'd like me? I'm tall, dark, and handsome. You want a PM of my info?

Kidding, relax. Yeah, she needs a vacation..............................in a psyche ward.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Tamat,
> 
> I will not tell my children!
> The other people involved knew we were married and were single.
> ...


This is your KISA showing through......you are trying to be the 'fixer' for your WW and her problems.

The simple fact is you can't do anything to convince or 'fix' your WW.....only she can.

All you CAN do is set firm demands/boundaries for what it will take for you to remain in this wreck of a M and try to repair it together.

And if she is unwilling to meet your demands.....you HAVE to detach, file for D, and begin to move on without her......make it clear to her that the M is over and you will NOT be keeping a friendship with her after her betrayals....who needs friends like that?

If you want any chance of getting her to come back to the M and make real efforts to repair it AND fix her issues, then she HAS to see that you are DONE and life as she knows it is about to come to a crashing halt.

If she has any true love for you and desire for your M and family, she will know that the only way for her to keep those things is to respect the boundaries you are insisting on.....if she doesn't have those feelings and desires, she will let you move on.

I know that will hurt.....but trust me, it's better than staying in limbo or continuing a M with an active WW.

Find the strength and do it!!

Time to put your foot down and stop the madness in your M and family life.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Not sure who is worse, a bipolar chick who sleeps around and tells her husband to do the same because it's so great or a husband who says "ok dear".


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Stop with the "[email protected]@sy" etc. Is that how you view your daughters? You are going from deficit to another deficit. Some of your answers you have already given: Two sisters bi-polar, depression in the fall and winter. Read @Uptowns posts on BPD. Not because your wife is but many of the outward behaviors are similar. Think cluster B personality traits. This is not to say she is somewhere in the cluster B group, but rather you need to check it out. 

Finally you need to give yourself a reality check on who you are and what your values are. A former president once said he had no idea what it meant to be a man until he had daughters. Your children are living in chaos, but your primary attention there. Start by not accepting the chaos your wife and you are causing - period.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Tamat,
> 
> I will not tell my children!
> The other people involved knew we were married and were single.
> ...


Counselling and therapy. Possibly with a psychiatrist, rather than a counsellor or a psychologist. 

By the way, that winter depression? It's Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD) and it can be a brutal condition. Even more so for the family of the person so afflicted.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Seasonally Affect Disorder (SAD) ... How we deal with it.

A couple of 7 minute sessions each week at a tanning salon throughout the short day season.

Lots of Vitamin D supplements.

Change all of the lights in your house over to Daylight bulbs and keep as many on as possible.

This has worked for us.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

cyn•i•cism
ˈsinəˌsizəm/
noun
noun: cynicism; noun: Cynicism

1. an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self-interest; skepticism.
"public cynicism about politics"
synonyms:	skepticism, doubt, distrust, mistrust, suspicion, disbelief; More

OP,
I fail to see how you feel that posters are serving their own interests by telling you to separate yourself from this destructive, unhealthy arrangement you call a marriage. You came here for opinions and insight did you not? Why then would you discount same?

The difficult truth you must face is that your W is a child mentally and to some extent so are you. Marriage requires a level of maturity that you two have not yet attained and therefore sustaining this arrangement is not feasible. The reason your W was so "excited" during her affair period was that children often respond that way to a new toy. However, the novelty eventually wears off and the child is then left with the same unfulfilled, empty feelings as before their "new toy" high.

As adults, we realize that the excitement and adventure of the "new toy" is fleeting and we focus more on the sense of security and comfort that comes from commitment. You, to a certain extent, and your W apparently much more so, have not reached this level of understanding. There is very little one can do to affect growth in another. It can sometimes "jolt" a person out of their immature behavior if they are suddenly faced with the loss of something they value highly but it is the exception and not the rule.

It is for this reason and others that some here say to exit your arrangement. As long as your W has and thinks with the mind of a child your desire for a real relationship will not be possible. Therefore, you must make your decision based on what is in the best interest of your children first and you second. You cannot "save" your W when her underdeveloped intellect sees nothing to be saved from so you must do what is best for those in your charge.

As a mother and W she goes out and gets falling down drunk, goes to a strangers house and has sex. Do you really believe this to be the proper behavior of a responsible parent or does it seem more akin to what one would expect from an irresponsible child? If you stay with this woman this will be your life until she matures which, by the way, may never happen, so you must decide if that is acceptable or at least tolerable. It is regrettable but true.

I can almost guarantee you that you will tire of this life at some point and find that your need for a mature partner to interact with will outweigh your "love" for this child. Unconditional love is very rare indeed, therefore when one continually gives love getting nothing in return it becomes impossible to sustain those feelings as the person begins to feel devalued and disrespected. The feelings of love are replaced with feelings of resentment and utter frustration.

Some have suggested counseling but in order for that to be effective your W must first come to realize that she needs counseling. As long as she is convinced that she is acting and behaving in a way befitting a mother and wife then no amount of persuasion will alter her perceptions, only growing up can accomplish that. I would advise that you perhaps give some thought to seeing a counselor and work on bettering yourself.

Think of a life with someone who respects you and places your needs and the needs of the children ahead of her own. It is conceivable that you could find such a woman. Consider your choices carefully but realize that if you decide to stay with her you are most likely only postponing the inevitable.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Hello!
> 
> I asked her to get to the core of that urge


I'm single so when I have the urge to have chocolate cake I just go for it. Chocolate cake is delicious and it makes me happy, even excited.

If I had a partner I would ask her if she wanted some, maybe she's a fitness addict and chocolate cake might ruin her abs so she'll ask me to take the chocolate cake out of the house so it won't tempt her, but I will say no. In fact I will eat that chocolate cake right in front of her, very slowly, savoring every bite, looking at the piece of cake like it's the most delicious thing in the world while she eats her carrots. 

In the end I will be happy with some chocolate cake in the fridge just waiting for me. My partner..not so much.

I suggest you start to learn how to bake and make you some chocolate cake/any other cake.

Then you can have chocolate cake and she can have dudes.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OK, your vent has been heard, so what advice do you want or are you looking for. Lets look at what you have stated:
(1) your wife cheated on byou twice before you did anything. You do nothing and accept it and forgive her with no consequences.
(2) she decides she wants a non monogamous marriage. You do nothing and accept her screwing anyone she feels like. By the way, any woman that will lie down and spread her legs easily can get the ego kibbles of men chasing her. So she's happy as hell banging whoever she wants to
(3) you reaffirm her decision to screw other men by having affair(s) yourself
(4) and now you decide that that is not what you want to do.

You are certainly entitled to all of the above. The big problem is now you have a wife who
(1) knows she can do ANYTHING she wants to, ANYTIME she wants to, with whoever she wants to, and guess what your reaction is going to be???NOTHING .

When someone comes on any of these forums facing infidelity or expressing a desire to get out of it, it is useless tto give them advice when they make tghe statement

"I WILL, NEVER LEAVE MY WIFE"

So far, you have not told anyone what YOUR expectations are. So why is it cynical to tell you she is a serial cheater??? Because it is not what you want to hear????

You do not necessarily have to divorce her but if you have any hope of convincing her to alter her behavior boundaries that you will not accept crossing have to be put in place. 

If you are willing to accept her doing this again, I suggest a polyamory forum.


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

I was referring to gus's paragraph comment when I mentioned cynicism, and I wasnt upset, just returning the sarcasm. Thanks nochoice your words were the best and most critically thought out that I've received. I am seeing a therapist, she said the same thing about my wife, but feels differently about me. I am aware that my wife and I share a parent/child relationship. I know what I have to do. I guess I reached out to this forum for support while making the decision and following through. I saw the rapport created in the post "my wife left last tuesday" and I thought that's what I need. So thanks to all of you, even the not so kind of you. Maybe I need the harsh comments as well.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> You also need to tell everyone about your WWs affairs and yours,* esp. your children *and your WW parents.


WTF?????

Who sits their children down and burdens them with such incredibly intimate, PRIVATE marital issues? About the last thing any 12 year old kid WANTS to hear is how his mommy had sex with some guy in the backseat of his SUV or how daddy went out and had sex with a woman after having dinner with her. 

Who* DOES* that to a child? :scratchhead:

OP, obviously your wife has serious mental issues. Perhaps she needs to be medicated and if she already is, then maybe she needs her medication changed or readjusted. It sounds as though you fell into this pit she's created and started mirroring her behavior because you didn't know what else to do and since you couldn't stop her, you joined her.

I don't know what the magic cure for this is but it sure ain't dating sites and hookups at the local watering hole. I do get the sense that you're so lost in the forest at this point that you can no longer see the trees. I get it.

You need to step back and make a wellness plan for yourself. You can't MAKE her do anything but you can at least control your own behavior. And that starts with YOU becoming emotionally healthier. Heal yourself first then do what you need to do.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

I think they meant tell them that they are now involved with other people and that's why they're splitting up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> I was referring to gus's paragraph comment when I mentioned cynicism, and I wasnt upset, just returning the sarcasm. Thanks nochoice your words were the best and most critically thought out that I've received. I am seeing a therapist, she said the same thing about my wife, but feels differently about me. I am aware that my wife and I share a parent/child relationship. I know what I have to do. I guess I reached out to this forum for support while making the decision and following through. I saw the rapport created in the post "my wife left last tuesday" and I thought that's what I need. So thanks to all of you, even the not so kind of you. Maybe I need the harsh comments as well.


If TAM had existed when my wife had her affair, doubtless the advice to me would have been to just let her go. 

It would have been sound, sensible advice.

Would I have followed it? Probably not! 

And we've still together after 27 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Mattmatt are you happy that your marriage made it this far despite the past?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Mattmatt are you happy that your marriage made it this far despite the past?


In general, yes. We have our problems, but who doesn't?

Basically our situation was that my wife came to me and told me she still loved me but was going to have an affair with a former boyfriend. But that she would come back to me. Which she did. 

A while later I stupidly had an idiotic, drunken revenge affair. 

Somehow we got through it all. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> If TAM had existed when my wife had her affair, doubtless the advice to me would have been to just let her go.
> 
> It would have been sound, sensible advice.
> 
> ...


FWIW, there are plenty of us that still think you should divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A loyal, moral, committed, and loving wife only spreads her thighs for her husband and for nobody else!

That being said, end this sham of a marriage!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, there are plenty of us that still think you should divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, yeah. But the only problems are caused by wife's High Functioning Asperger's and my anger issues. 

So it's complicated. A bit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

@asleepinthedeep 

Welcome to our club, I'm sorry that you're here. With everything thats happening to you no doubt you're in an emotional mess. You are no doubt struggling to see a way forward, you have a lot invested in this marriage, kids, house, a wayward wife that is broken now. You come to TAM looking for some support and the words may seem a bit harsh and you're taking a hammering while you're down.

But try as hard as you can to look at this situation from outside the ring for a moment, if what was happening to you was say happening to a friend or a relative for example what would you advise them? try and look at this situation objectively without the pool of emotion clouding your judgement

If you value your marriage you have to be prepared to lose it. 

You may not want to file for d, I get that, but you should at least seperate so you can get your head straight, and by that I mean she needs to leave not you. Do not, I repeat do not leave the home. 

Your WW wants to go and play the field, ok by all mean you go ahead that but not in our home with our kids, you need to lead by example where your kids are concerned and put down some strong boundries with this woman, she clearly has no respect for you.......if you want to regain respect then start by growing a pair and taking some action.

Trust me brother if you keep on THIS road you're on you will watch the slow and painful death of your marriage, your self respect and it will do you more damage then has been if you don't take action. Prepare for D, go and speak to a solicitor and set out your options......Good luck and keep posting


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does your wife have mental health issues or a non-mental condition that can impact on her thinking like being ASD, perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Well, yeah. But the only problems are caused by wife's High Functioning Asperger's and my anger issues.
> 
> So it's complicated. A bit.


Respectfully, that's a load of crap.

Her autism provides a direct insight into the way that she truly felt -- and still feels -- about OM and her time spent w/ him. I won't rehash that because it's probably pretty painful for you to read.

Additionally, your "anger issues" wouldn't be an issue at all if you'd started the divorce process in the hours and days after she announced her intention to embark upon an affair.

You settled, Matt.

You deserved better, and you still do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Her and I have questioned this in the past, because autism is also prevelent in her extended family, and her nephew has Asperger?s. Although it wouldn't explain the sudden boost she has in the spring (the boost this year was the most intense while we've been married). There was a lot of stress in the months leading up to this year. The kids were sick a lot, she had trouble sleeping, and she went back to school. 

She has a very hard time socially. sometimes its painful to watch her interact with people when she is down (very awkward and she will question what she said for days), but when she's up she could lead a seminar. She obviously has a hard time with empathy as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Does your wife have mental health issues or a non-mental condition that can impact on her thinking like being ASD, perhaps?


Doesn't matter, IMO.

His response should be the same regardless -- kick her to the curb, OP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Her and I have questioned this in the past, because autism is also prevelent in her extended family, and her nephew has Asperger?s. Although it wouldn't explain the sudden boost she has in the spring (the boost this year was the most intense while we've been married). There was a lot of stress in the months leading up to this year. The kids were sick a lot, she had trouble sleeping, and she went back to school.
> 
> She has a very hard time socially. sometimes its painful to watch her interact with people when she is down (very awkward and she will question what she said for days), but when she's up she could lead a seminar. She obviously has a hard time with empathy as well.


I have a family member who is ASD. She is not a promiscuous woman. 

Your wife is immoral and has no boundaries. That is why she cheats. She cheats because she wants to. 

Has she been evaluated by an educational psychologist to determine if she has ASD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

I don't think she has asd. I beleive that she is bipolar like her brother and sister. She has not seen a professional. She was seeing a therapist, but abruptly stopped and said that it was bs. She never shared what they talked about. I assume it was bs to her because the therapist said something that she didn?t want to hear. I doubt she was telling her everything, because she is not fully self aware and she never really opens up to anyone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> I don't think she has asd. I beleive that she is bipolar like her brother and sister. She has not seen a professional. She was seeing a therapist, but abruptly stopped and said that it was bs. She never shared what they talked about. I assume it was bs to her because the therapist said something that she didn?t want to hear. I doubt she was telling her everything, because she is not fully self aware and she never really opens up to anyone.


Okay so she's mentally ill. Did you know that going into the marriage, or was that a little detail she conveniently forgot to mention to you?

Still, there are millions of bi-polar sufferers in the world who do not cheat on their spouses. Again, quit grasping for excuses for her bad behavior.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Doesn't matter, IMO.
> 
> His response should be the same regardless -- kick her to the curb, OP!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless it is a treatable condition?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Part of the problem is that you two met and began your relationship as teenagers - and tried to commit from there. I know some do this successfully, but for someone with bipolar, etc, it's a bad formula. She clearly needed to sow her oats by seeing what it was like to sleep with other men, and felt you should do the same.

This isn't a marriage, Bud. This is two kids who never got a chance to grow up correctly, and now real problems are surfacing.

You have to decide whether you want to hit the reset button with her and move forward in an adult relationship, or, just cut ties and do this the right way with someone else.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Unless it is a treatable condition?


Lack of morals is not treatable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Her and I have questioned this in the past, because autism is also prevelent in her extended family, and her nephew has Asperger?s. Although it wouldn't explain the sudden boost she has in the spring (the boost this year was the most intense while we've been married). There was a lot of stress in the months leading up to this year. The kids were sick a lot, she had trouble sleeping, and she went back to school.
> 
> She has a very hard time socially. sometimes its painful to watch her interact with people when she is down (very awkward and she will question what she said for days), but when she's up she could lead a seminar. She obviously has a hard time with empathy as well.


High Functioning Asperger's can have problems with empathy.

Or do weird things like laugh like a drain at a human tragedy and then sob when they hear the story of a poorly kitty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Lack of morals is not treatable.


https://www.thebraintumourcharity.o...ffects/personality-changes-and-brain-tumours/



> Disinhibition - loss of inhibitions or restraints and behaving in socially or culturally unacceptable ways



OK, I admit it *is* unlikely. But as people in the world of theatre say: "Leave no turn unstoned."


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

My wife has some bi-polar issues, but is medicated. She's quite stable. But when she was into heavy drinking last year - she was out of control of her self, etc.

You cannot beg or cry your wife back. It hurts a lot, etc. Everyone betrayed has gone through this pain.

You have to go D to maybe save what you have... or live with having an open relationship. Try to set boundaries there.. but who knows... its not working so well before.

I did kink mine out of my home. After that, we finally started working on ourselves and each other. But that doesn't happen to everyone. Lots of variables to consider.

Getting married at 18 or so... I say, usually doomed.

Talk to each other, see what is truth and what each of you want or willing to give - with HONESTY. If its not going to work out - go your own ways.

But she doesn't seem to believe she needs to see doctors, maybe take meds and stabilize. She'll get worse then.

PS: one of my friends has just started taking anti-depressants/etc. She says SHE FEEL GREAT, not so gloomy anymore.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Tamat,
> 
> I will not tell my children!
> The other people involved knew we were married and were single.
> ...


Your wife's a narcissist...all the hallmark traits of one. She is jealous, so you cut off friendships. She cheats and lies, and claims it's because she's depressed. She projects onto you. You feel to blame for much of the marital issues. She is a narcissist...she could be depressed, but her main issue is narcissism, and unfortunately, she won't change. This is why you had problems so early on in your relationship you said, and why she cheated early on. I highly recommend looking into narcissistic personality disorder, it will help you see what you're in love with. 

Being honest and sitting down with her to talk things out, she has no respect for you nor the marriage, because that's how narcissists are. You are codependent, and while you may be in love with her, you are codependent. Narcissists tend to gravitate and attract codependent people who will do as they say...

Hope you start remembering that you matter in all of this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Unless it is a treatable condition?





MattMatt said:


> High Functioning Asperger's can have problems with empathy.
> 
> Or do weird things like laugh like a drain at a human tragedy and then sob when they hear the story of a poorly kitty.


Doesn't matter, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did she ever give you a written timeline of her A"s?

has she been tested for stds? (craiglist, yuck)

Has she stopped and when will she start again and bring you an std and another baby for you to support that is not yours?

If you are serious about staying, then she has to go to counseling. try affair recovery, you can find them online.

But someday, you will wake up and find that you must respect yourself and file for D. Keep the kids with you and she can go live with her craiglist lovers.

and do let her parents know.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Please help


Dump her. She wants an open relationship, you clearly don't.

Unless you actually want to share your wife's vag like a timeshare.


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

Harrybrown, the craigslist hookup didn't happen, I flipped. I then secretly checked and monitored her internet traffic on her computer and phone while she was sleeping and at work. It has stopped for now, she seems to be feeling ashamed and regretful. She hasn't voiced it, but I know her moods well enough to know. 

She was just checked for std's. She can no longer have children, the pregnancy issues we had left her unable. This brings up another issue that I forgot to mention. Last year at her check up the doctor said that she was showing signs of early menopause, which is common in her family and the loss of her fallopian tubes could contribute as well. She shrugged it off and said that she would not take meds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@asleepinthedeep
Both of you had affairs. Not good. 
Have you considered that both of you may be trying to escape from the reality of the abortion and ectopic pregnancy? 

Did either of you participate in counseling services after these events? 

Seems like both of you are avoiding discussing the topic and some people unfortunately cope with grief by living a wild lifestyle, this includes sleeping around. 

What happened since? Has she given you any clear answer to whether she wants to continue the marriage? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> @asleepinthedeep
> Both of you had affairs. Not good.
> Have you considered that both of you may be trying to escape from the reality of the abortion and ectopic pregnancy?
> 
> ...


 @MrsAldi is right.

Grief counselling might help for the two of you. Plus couple's counselling and individual work with a counsellor, too.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Lack of morals is not treatable.


Or character


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Lack of morals is not treatable.


Yes it is! Many people convert at a certain point in their lives, and see what they did wrong. Change their lives.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Or character


Umm...5, 10 or 20 years in prison will change your morals, character and just about everything else....of course this is for the large majority, there is always the exceptions, and will always be.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Umm...5, 10 or 20 years in prison will change your morals, character and just about everything else....of course this is for the large majority, there is always the exceptions, and will always be.


No clue what point your making here are you comparing marriage to prison :surprise:


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Umm...5, 10 or 20 years in prison will change your morals, character and just about everything else....of course this is for the large majority, there is always the exceptions, and will always be.


Are you still on the inside?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

asleepinthedeep said:


> Harrybrown, the craigslist hookup didn't happen, I flipped. I then secretly checked and monitored her internet traffic on her computer and phone while she was sleeping and at work. It has stopped for now, she seems to be feeling ashamed and regretful. She hasn't voiced it, but I know her moods well enough to know.
> 
> She was just checked for std's. She can no longer have children, the pregnancy issues we had left her unable. This brings up another issue that I forgot to mention. Last year at her check up the doctor said that she was showing signs of early menopause, which is common in her family and the loss of her fallopian tubes could contribute as well. She shrugged it off and said that she would not take meds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife went through early menopause. She tried hormone therapy but it did not help. She suffered fits of severe depression that lasted for months. It was years before she was able to return to a relatively stable state of mind. I do not know if the early menopause had anything to do with this, but if it did, you are in for a long, rough journey.

Given your previous marital history and your wife's urge to have one night stands and her stated desire to have an open marriage, you have to decide if this is acceptable and if it is not, you should end this marriage so you can both be happy.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it seems you are both waywards, so I do not see a high ground to take here. I guess live a polyamorous lifestyle, TRY to set some boundary rules, and see how it goes.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> No clue what point your making here are you comparing marriage to prison :surprise:


Lol....no never being on the inside, thankfully . ...I was just trying to point put there are things that can happen in life that can definitely change your morals and character. ....


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Apparently still no resolution .?

OP, are you still accepting the open marriage ( polyamory) she has decided you will have.???

All the clinical information and opinions mean nothing. 

What is your plan?? To continue to share her, or get out of infidelity??

Stop making excuses.


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## delta88 (Mar 9, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> cyn•i•cism
> ˈsinəˌsizəm/
> noun
> noun: cynicism; noun: Cynicism
> ...


This is on the money, thanks for posting that nocharge. It is mirroring my situation and see my own lack of mental age something that needs to be addressed. 

OP you are trying your hardest, just like I was, to stay on the road of misery even though it makes little sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

No more infidelity! Her whole outlook has changed. She seems to be returning to "normal". I felt like the parent of a crazed teenage daughter for a while there. We are unsure of what happened, we have kicked around the idea of seeking professional help (psychologist). Seems like a depression may be coming on. We have a lot of growing up to do and self awareness to attain. Not sure if we will weather the storm together, but we are working on ourselves.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

asleepinthedeep said:


> No more infidelity! Her whole outlook has changed. She seems to be returning to "normal". I felt like the parent of a crazed teenage daughter for a while there. We are unsure of what happened, we have kicked around the idea of seeking professional help (psychologist). Seems like a depression may be coming on. We have a lot of growing up to do and self awareness to attain. Not sure if we will weather the storm together, but we are working on ourselves.


She sounds bipolar.

Buckle in, because this ride ain't over yet.

And you can bet that there will be more infidelity. From here on out, though, she'll likely at least _try_ to conceal it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

asleepinthedeep said:


> No more infidelity! Her whole outlook has changed.


A bold statement. Also very short sighted to assume that any change is permanent at this point.



asleepinthedeep said:


> We are unsure of what happened, we have kicked around the idea of seeking professional help (psychologist).


Being unsure about what triggered "the change" shows that you really do need to seek professional help. I would do more than "kick around the idea of professional help". You have to identify and understand the root cause of her infidelity to have any hope of her avoiding this behavior in the future. For you, you need to be able to recognize the signs she displays when another episode is approaching. You both need a outside third party to do this. Good luck. I really hope you both can heal from this and be happy together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

asleepinthedeep said:


> seek professional help


That is the ticket.


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## asleepinthedeep (Sep 23, 2016)

By stating no more infidelity I meant that I've come to a strong enough place to put my foot down and put that boundry back in its place. I also know that although she feels the same right now, her ideals and moods change with the seasons (literally). I agree about seeing a psychiatrist, it's what I've wanted for years. All of this has multiplied the need. It's too bad that I slipped and fell in this too. I shouldn?t have let her words and actions take me down with her, I guess we live and learn.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you confirmed she is no longer in contact with the AP?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

asleepinthedeep said:


> By stating no more infidelity I meant that I've come to a strong enough place to put my foot down and put that boundry back in its place. I also know that although she feels the same right now, her ideals and moods change with the seasons (literally). I agree about seeing a psychiatrist, it's what I've wanted for years. All of this has multiplied the need. It's too bad that I slipped and fell in this too. I shouldn?t have let her words and actions take me down with her, I guess we live and learn.


So basically you have said enough is enough. Did you tell her the consequences of stepping over the boundary you have established? Have *YOU* decided on what the consequences will be if she continues to cheat?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

asleepinthedeep said:


> By stating no more infidelity I meant that I've come to a strong enough place to put my foot down and put that boundry back in its place. I also know that although she feels the same right now, her ideals and moods change with the seasons (literally). I agree about seeing a psychiatrist, it's what I've wanted for years. All of this has multiplied the need. It's too bad that I slipped and fell in this too. I shouldn?t have let her words and actions take me down with her, I guess we live and learn.


So reading your posts it''s pretty easy to see this will be you life as long as you stay with your wife. She is not going to change, right now she want's to be faithful again however eventually someone will sweep her off her feet and she will cheat again. There is no point in trying to convince you that there is a better life out there for you. Truth is it's your life and something about this situation must appeal to you. So I think the best advice that can be given to you is do what you need to to accept the fact that your wife will be surprising you from time to time with the revelation that she has slept with another man. Hope an pray that that man doesn't infatuate her enough that you are forgotten. How about hot wife, at least then you can bond over her infidelities, and maybe have some control over the situation. 

The overall point is if you don't change the situation won't change because you wife ain't changing, it's not in her nature.


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