# Why would a man not take care of himself?



## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

I’ve posted on here before but obviously I’m back because my husband and I are still having major problems. I’m not sure if this is even the right section to post this. 

my husband just doesn’t take care of himself - doesn’t shower every day, doesn’t brush teeth in the AM, gets maybe 1 haircut a year and his hair is always greasy and matted to his head, and has a beard that is wild and he doesn’t groom at all. In fact he doesn’t own a hairbrush and never has? He also doesn’t have any nice clothes or clothing that fits him correctly, and refuses to buy new bc of the cost. All of this has killed my attraction toward him, and no matter how I try, I just cannot get it back and it’s making me so very sad & frustrated! We are in marriage counseling and in my head I tell myself I’m going to give it my all & try to make things work, but when I see him all unclean I just feel so down about it all. I have confronted him about these things but nothing has changed.

Oh, and we haven’t touched each other in 8 months and counting!

I don’t know what I’m looking for, advice?? Thoughts?? It’s so depressing and I feel so much guilt.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

You say you have spoken with him about it...what does he say?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, this is the perfect time to bring it up in counseling, where the counselor can be a mediator. Please bring it up immediately. He just doesn't care anything about hygiene or appearance. He needs to wake up, but he may never. If this hadn't been going on all along, I'd say maybe he was depressed, but this is just bad habits.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Sad lonely girl said:


> I’ve posted on here before but obviously I’m back because my husband and I are still having major problems. I’m not sure if this is even the right section to post this.
> 
> my husband just doesn’t take care of himself - doesn’t shower every day, doesn’t brush teeth in the AM, gets maybe 1 haircut a year and his hair is always greasy and matted to his head, and has a beard that is wild and he doesn’t groom at all. In fact he doesn’t own a hairbrush and never has? He also doesn’t have any nice clothes or clothing that fits him correctly, and refuses to buy new bc of the cost. All of this has killed my attraction toward him, and no matter how I try, I just cannot get it back and it’s making me so very sad & frustrated! We are in marriage counseling and in my head I tell myself I’m going to give it my all & try to make things work, but when I see him all unclean I just feel so down about it all. I have confronted him about these things but nothing has changed.
> 
> ...


Guys like him just don't care, some think it's unmanly to be well groomed and well dressed, I don't know how many chubby, greasy slobs have called me a pretty boy in my life but it's a lot. He is very unlikely to ever change no matter what you do. 

My question for you is why on earth do you feel guilty? Because you're not attracted to an unattractive man?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> He is very unlikely to ever change no matter what you do.


People, in general, do not change UNLESS
1) there is a sufficient reward in the change ( they also must believe they will actually get the reward )
2) the pain of remaining the same is worse than that of changing

What would be his reward ? And what pain is he enduring by remaining the same ?



happyhusband0005 said:


> why on earth do you feel guilty? Because you're not attracted to an unattractive man?


or, did you marry a man you weren't attracted to, thinking you could kiss the frog and turn him into a prince ?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If someone isn't taking care of themselves, especially to that extent, then my first guess would be mental illness. Depression is the first one to come to mind, but not the only possibility.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sad lonely girl said:


> I’ve posted on here before but obviously I’m back because my husband and I are still having major problems. I’m not sure if this is even the right section to post this.
> 
> my husband just doesn’t take care of himself - doesn’t shower every day, doesn’t brush teeth in the AM, gets maybe 1 haircut a year and his hair is always greasy and matted to his head, and has a beard that is wild and he doesn’t groom at all. In fact he doesn’t own a hairbrush and never has? He also doesn’t have any nice clothes or clothing that fits him correctly, and refuses to buy new bc of the cost. All of this has killed my attraction toward him, and no matter how I try, I just cannot get it back and it’s making me so very sad & frustrated! We are in marriage counseling and in my head I tell myself I’m going to give it my all & try to make things work, but when I see him all unclean I just feel so down about it all. I have confronted him about these things but nothing has changed.
> 
> ...



The no brushing of teeth is a major problem. Gum disease and chronic bad breath. That is enough to turn anyone off. Why does he choose to look his worst? Has he explained why?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, was he like this when you were dating?  If not, when did this start?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Sad lonely girl, I'm guessing the reason you guys haven't touched each other in 8 months is because you're revolted by his uncleanliness?

When you've talked to him about it in the past, how does he respond? Does he seem to care and be concerned or does he kind of brush it off? Have you told him that this is slowly destroying your marriage?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sad lonely girl said:


> I’ve posted on here before but obviously I’m back because my husband and I are still having major problems. I’m not sure if this is even the right section to post this.
> 
> my husband just doesn’t take care of himself - doesn’t shower every day, doesn’t brush teeth in the AM, gets maybe 1 haircut a year and his hair is always greasy and matted to his head, and has a beard that is wild and he doesn’t groom at all. In fact he doesn’t own a hairbrush and never has? He also doesn’t have any nice clothes or clothing that fits him correctly, and refuses to buy new bc of the cost. All of this has killed my attraction toward him, and no matter how I try, I just cannot get it back and it’s making me so very sad & frustrated! We are in marriage counseling and in my head I tell myself I’m going to give it my all & try to make things work, but when I see him all unclean I just feel so down about it all. I have confronted him about these things but nothing has changed.
> 
> ...


He is very depressed. 

Is he on medication?

Stop worrying about your marriage and see this as his personal crisis and try to help him.


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> You say you have spoken with him about it...what does he say?


He says he knows & he’s going to start and says things like “I just need to get a shower right after supper before I get so tired” or “I’m always in a rush in the morning” about brushing his teeth.. and then it just never happens.


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Rowan said:


> OP, was he like this when you were dating? If not, when did this start?


I think maybe to an extent, we were long distance for a big part of the beginning of our relationship so I think he obviously cleaned himself up more when We’d see each other on the weekends... But when I eventually moved in with him I started seeing some of his bad habits


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

sokillme said:


> He is very depressed.
> 
> Is he on medication?
> 
> Stop worrying about your marriage and see this as his personal crisis and try to help him.


He says he’s not depressed, swears up and down. I’ve asked him this before. I really don’t think it’s depression. Could be wrong though...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sad lonely girl said:


> He says he’s not depressed, swears up and down. I’ve asked him this before. I really don’t think it’s depression. Could be wrong though...


Many people who have a mental illness, including depression, won't admit to it. You should look up the signs of depression in men, it's not just being sad all the time.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

He wouldn't necessarily know if he was depressed or not. It's not like a broken bone or torn ligament. By its very nature it alters your perceptions and motivation to get help and change.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sad lonely girl said:


> But when I eventually moved in with him I started seeing some of his bad habits


Kiss of death...cohabitation.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Drive to the car wash and then make him get out and walk through 3 times. Be sure they pressure wash behind the ears. If he refuses the wash then go to a divorce attorney.
Why on earth you want to spend your life with a disgusting slob is beyond me.


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