# My wife's massages and my grief



## mattverg89 (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay this seems a little nutty but my wife loves when I give her back massages. I guess she says it's the way I massage her back and she will swear up and down that they help. Now i'm not sure whether she says that just to try and keep my morale up, or just to try and make me feel better about myself.

My situation is that I DREADDDDDDD giving back massages. It's nothing personal but my entire life I never gave or received back massages, so they mean nothing at all to me. I have received very seldom a massage but they don't seem to do anything for me at all period, so i've developed a careless attitude about it.

Every time she asks me to massage her I get this bad attitude and I just try to find or think of any way possible to get out of it.

Don't get me wrong sometimes I like being able to try and help her out (she's got a permanent pinched nerve in her back). But most times than not I just dread dealing with the massages.

I just haven't found anything convenient about them. I don't know what to do to make her happy (towards massaging) and make myself more comfortable with the idea.

Is there anything I can do to try and boost my own morale so that I would feel more confident and feel more of an urge to want to give her massages? I'm in a loss with this massaging business.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I love massaging my wife. Most of the time it turns into a full body nude massage but not always. She loves it.

Not sure why you dread this. It is a form of intimacy. This falls into the foreplay area as well. For sure you are meeting one of her needs if not your own.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I am in exactly the same boat.
Sometimes I feel that her reward for being with me means that I have to massage her back.
My job is very physical and my hands are tired and they hurt.

I usually will massage her until my hands ache and then stop. I tell her that's it, all you get.
I do it because it makes her happy and I remind myself that she does an awful lot for me to make me as happy as I am.


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## mattverg89 (Sep 24, 2011)

Hm, maybe more nude massages would be a home run for me lol...

I guess my other issue is she always asks me at the last minute when we're about to crash so maybe I just need her to adjust her time of asking me when to massage her.

I understand that massages are a way of showing intimacy which I think is partially why I feel bad when I think about it at times.

I also thought about correlating massages to foreplay but I was worried that it might make me seem too, sexually active than she is? I wouldn't want to bore her out or get her tired of it...


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## amanda s. (Sep 24, 2011)

So when I first read this my initial thought was... You jerk, she's in pain... but then I took two steps back & realized, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL but the difference is my fiance' always wants me to scratch his back AS I'M TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP. I can't fall asleep well as it is & once I'm snoozing I am woken very easily... So he falls asleep in five minutes because he has someone to scratch his back & I'm awake for hours. He has a very physical job & works outside all day so I don't mind but I wish he would request his nightly back scratches while we are sitting together on the sofa watching our shows before bed instead of after I've just gotten comfy...

Maybe discussing this with her will help out... explain to her you know she is in pain & that's why you do it but think of a different time. You may hate them but she loves them, COMPROMISE... different massage time & you'll put more effort into them 

Good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

mattverg89 said:


> Hm, maybe more nude massages would be a home run for me lol...
> 
> I also thought about correlating massages to foreplay but I was worried that it might make me seem too, sexually active than she is? I wouldn't want to bore her out or get her tired of it...


what does this mean? Do you mean you feel you should hide the fact that you have a normal desire to have sex with your wife! I don't think it's the back rubs that you don't like, don't you think the problem is that you are aroused and think you should not be? 

Where did you get the notion that having a higher sex drive than you wife makes you want too much? It is just a common difference in sex drives and needs compromise as is frequently the case in many good marriages. So you have a problem if you have not worked that out up until now. I just don't understand what you are thinking . 

You have a bigger problem than you are revealing here I think. She has a pinched nerve but there are other ways that she can get relief. Not everyone with a pinch nerve has a person giving them a daily message. Your reaction is severe and I think you should share this with her and stop the messages and have her seek a medical solution. 

She can use heat and medication. Given your reaction, I think you would not be selfish to stop. At the same time, you need to address the other serious issues in your marriage. Your hint about sex seems way off, since it is a normal response. To feel you need to hide it is dysfunctional and something that needs to be addressed, like yesterday. I think from the was you mentioned it almost as an aside in indicates the depth of your self-sacrifice.

Physical therapy, meds, exercise and non invasive surgery should be considered. Can you give more info?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm not in the same boat. Anytime I can bring that type of sensuality into a relationship the better. Nothing is more sexy than a woman in tight panties face down on the bed while I rub her body all over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> I'm not in the same boat. Anytime I can bring that type of sensuality into a relationship the better. Nothing is more sexy than a woman in tight panties face down on the bed while I rub her body all over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mattverg89 said:


> Hm, maybe more nude massages would be a home run for me lol...
> 
> I guess my other issue is she always asks me at the last minute when we're about to crash so maybe I just need her to adjust her time of asking me when to massage her.
> 
> ...


This is very confusing. Sounds like some sort of power play going on in the relationship. For many guys, a good massage is part of foreplay. Also, if she doesn't reciprocate in a way that you like at other times, then there is an imbalace that should be addressed.

Not sure why being more sexually active than she is is such a bad thing. If she doesn't like sex, then just tell her that you are wired in such a way that putting your hands on her body for a massage affects you, so if sex is out of the question, so are massages. I'm not even suggesting that massages should be followed by sex every time. Massages are intimate acts for many guys. Part of a very intimate relationship, in general. If they are on the table regularly, then so is sex. That's your story... hint, hint. Throw some tantric mumbo jumbo into it.

Seems to benothing in life that my wife enjoys than a good foot massage. They can be a little annoying sometimes, after 24 years of them, but its all about the fact that she enjoys them, and is extremely thankful.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Halien said:


> This is very confusing. Sounds like some sort of power play going on in the relationship.


Agreed, it doesn't sound like the massage is actually the issue, more what lies behind it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Buy your wife an awesome massage chair.

Problem solved.


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## mattverg89 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well as far as my wife's back issues, she has undergone some kind of surgery for her back as well as many variety of heat pads and medicated pads, the list goes on. So she's settled to use pain meds to relieve some of the pain periodically as well as the massages from me to "apparently" help her out as well. Unfortunately the medical procedures have pointed her to a road of no return with her back. Ah yes and she's tried physical therapy and came out worse...

I've gotten some interesting input on here which i'm going to put to work and I feel it'll solve itself out:

1. Is the timing. It seems that it would make more sense to do things earlier rather than the last minute before going to sleep.
2. Understanding that her needs may carry an impact within our relationship that I wasn't correlating too well with. I expected the relationship to balance even like a balancing scale, but I am noticing that sometimes things outweigh more than another.

So in turn, my best effort is to include some sort of foreplay with the massaging at times to kind of spice things up and other times just understand that she appreciates it and it is what makes her happy.


Otherwise i'll just buy the massage chair :smthumbup:

Thanks for the input though from everyone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why not gift her with a massage gift certificate at your local spa center?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

If this was me, I would be looking into why I'm annoyed with helping my wife through her pain. Just doesn't sound right IMO. Should be something you jump at if the relationship is good. This isn't something you should be resenting.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There are such things as tantric furniture. Liberator makes the Stage System which is a glorified large firm pillow that one person lays on and the other can easily straddle with his or her legs down. This is a pretty good hybrid massage platform.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> I'm not in the same boat. Anytime I can bring that type of sensuality into a relationship the better. Nothing is more sexy than a woman in tight panties face down on the bed while I rub her body all over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not that sexy if they never reciprocate.


or when you ask for them to return the favor they do a half a$$ job while rolling their eyes.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> There are such things as tantric furniture. Liberator makes the Stage System which is a glorified large firm pillow that one person lays on and the other can easily straddle with his or her legs down. This is a pretty good hybrid massage platform.


Been to their store before to pick up my order. :smthumbup:


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## mattverg89 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well thanks to everyone and their support. I feel that most of my confused thoughts have been ironed a little bit more than they originally were and I feel that i've got a solid understanding on how I need to approach the scenario and deal with the circumstances, as I had stated in my previous post.

In the meantime, i've found this video which has also helped me understand my ordeal a little bit better as well... LMFAO - Sexy and I Know It - YouTube

Thanks again for the help


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

She's in constant pain, that can't be pleasant. (I have some sympathy towards this as I have constant back pain from a damaged disc--but only when pregnant. The interesting thing is that the damage is in one area, but I end up with pain all over from compensating for the damage.)
Has she looked into alternative medicine at all? I get that physical therapy hasn't helped, what about massage therapy, chiropractic, acupressure, etc? Chiropractic has helped me a lot. Some folks feel that the alternative things are totally placebo effect, but if it's all in my mind and it works, the important thing is that it works.
She wants the massage at bed time because that's when the pain is the worst--all the muscles hurting from making up for the damaged area all day long. Maybe moving bed time up an hour or half an hour would be helpful, so that you're not in go-to-sleep-or-have-sex mode?


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