# question



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey how did you find out about your spouses affair?
did they actually tell you themselves?
did another person tell you?
My husband said he doesn't know why he didn't tell me himself, he said he was afraid of the aftermath, he said he couldn't hurt me.....that's almost funny when I hear him say that.....
If you didn't tell what were your reasons.......
Trying to make sense of the questions I still have .....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

He did not tell me but he started acting strange for about two months. Then when we came back from our vacation in Miami over New Years he found out he was going to be fired(he knew this could happen) but he got full severance pay for 6 months, benefits etc. And that night he started sleeping in the basement. For about a month he refused to tell me what was wrong. 

I started checking bank/credit card statements and I saw he opened up another account at the bank without telling me and when I asked him why he opened that account he gave me some lame excuse. Then in Feb we had a talk and he gave me the I have not been happy story. When I asked if there was another person involved he did not look me in the eye and said NO. 

That was a big giveaway. Then I ordered the keylogger and GPS tracker(this second one did not really do me any good because I already sort of guessed his pattern). I got into the cell phone account and the one and only credit card I did not have access to and basically found out everything in two weeks. Confronted him but he still to this day(this was March 22) he denies everything and has not really talked to me about it. No remorse, no I am sorry, no giving reason why he did what he did, why he did not tell me himself. Absolutely selfish and disrespectful. And then he filed for Divorce where I was more for a separation.

And for the questions, I also have many but it does not seem I will be getting any answers any time soon.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I found a love letter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Intuition was the first sign.
I investigated my self and gave her the proof of her infideity. Then she came clean, and boy did she.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Cell phone messages that were undeniable.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

It all starts with their funny behaviour and all you need to do is get the physical proof. And trust your gut feeling. I am yet to find a story where the suspicious spouse was wrong at least on this forum.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My estranged husband began taking nice vacations "alone". He was also doing a lot of texting and having a couple of late nights out every week. He was very distant too. Then months later he borrowed my truck. I began cleaning and vacuuming it a few days later and ran across an empty condom box under the seat. That was the most awful feeling--it confirmed my worst nightmare. Yet, when confronted he denied it was his. That began many months of denial, denial, denial on his part. It was another two years before he would even admit to having affairs.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

second day of a three week family vacation. I found a draft email between her and the OM. Lot's of "I Love You" and "I Crave You" and dirty talk. This was on Aug 23. 

She said she's done but yet agree's to counseling...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Two stages. Stage one was about 3-4 months before I really found out. Wife and I had a fight - can't remember over what. She wound up telling me she didn't love me anymore, didn't know if she wanted to be married. I pressed about if there was someone else, she swore there wasn't. I made a big romantic gesture, she stayed, I asked for counselling but she wouldn't go. 

She was great at hiding it though, our sex life was strong still, no noticable (to me at least) change in our communication frequency or type. Life was normal as best as I could tell. 


Stage two we were on vacation with the kids on a cruise. There was a dance one night and I wanted her to come dance with me. She refused. I could tell something was bothering her. I knew then something was up. Asked again if there was someone else, she swore that no there wasn't. 

When we got home this time though my blinders were coming off. I started snooping, and she sometimes works from home. I didn't know her passwords, but she left her work connection open one day and I went in and read and found proof of the affair. 

When she got home I asked her to come for a drive with me, I drove to a school parking lot near our home, parked, confronted her and finally she admitted to the affair.


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## GlowinWish (Sep 10, 2010)

a day or two after he broke up with me, i saw her driving his car into his parking lot, with him in the passengers seat. i went to his house to pick up some things i had left in his apt and stayed a little longer talking to his best friend about how confused i was over him wanting to break up with me even though i wanted to work things out. he didn't expect i would still be there when i saw him and her driving in. that was the first clue... afterward, we talked again and he maintained that he only dated that girl after we broke up, but then i started finding things in his apt that showed me they had more than just casual dating/sex, but a whole intimate relationship... the straw that broke the camels back was when i found a love poem she wrote him as he slept next to her, and ended it with: "tomorrow will be a great day because...
I love you". I finally confronted him and asked if he f****d her before we broke up and he just looked down and didn't answer. I told him his silence was enough of an answer. Then I asked how many times, and he said he didn't know... I said, "that many?"... still no answer. i told him off, shamed him, ridiculed him. but the joke still feels like it's on me because at the end, he told me she didn't want to get serious with him because she wanted to do other things with herself (go back to school, live her youth after having separated from the father of her BABY, yes she had a baby from another man, something i don't) and ultimately didn't want to get into another serious relationship. now she's back with the father of her baby and i am still with my bf. he has stayed faithful, still feels shamed by what he did to me and knows i did not deserve it.... but i still feel second place to her and that will never go away.... unless by some miracle she one day came after him and he blatantly told her he was stupid for ever even thinking of and then actually leaving me for her because she is beneath me.... i'm a college graduate, responsible, always told i'm pretty... she was 19 with a kid and nothing but a high school diploma... big forehead, crooked nose... but apparently she had SOMETHING i didn't have, right? well i have slowly gotten better at letting it go, though i will probably never fully let what he did go... but not without giving him a lot of hell along with understanding that he is not a "bad" person... just a typical man who saw an opportunity with a young girl who was his neighbor and thought he would never get caught, and went for it.... but if he even shows signs of something like that again, i will be dead to him. but yes, that's how i found out.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Ironically, I started snooping around because my husband's attitude had drastically improved. We had been treating each other badly for a few years and it was during this time that he cheated on me. He had what he calls an epiphany and realized he loved me and wanted our marriage to get better. So, I got curious when he suddenly stopped throwing temper tantrums at the drop of a hat and started asking me to watch movies with him. I was going through his cel phone and found Craigslist bookmarked on his phone. (The page hadn't been refreshed for a couple months, but he forgot to delete it) Everything became very clear to me at that moment. Weird, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I feel like I have either been blessed or cursed with intuition and insight. Both times when my wife was having an EA I knew it was happening. She looked me in the eye and promised me with all her heart that nothing was going on. I had to dig it out of her. No willing confessions. That's what worries me that it will happen all over again someday. The promises which were lies is what hurts the most though.


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## onlylove (Aug 27, 2010)

My gut told me there was something going on and because of that I checked his mobile phone and found texts to/from OW. I love iphones for that reason you can see full conversations. I confronted him and he denied. I made him move out and it was after this he admitted that the affair. He still tells me he has feelings for this other woman but that he has feelings for me as well. Not back home not with other woman and refusing to to go for counselling. Not a pleasant situation but I'm glad it's out in the open. Hated the lies.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Cold, stare you right in the face and lie without any emotion. Damn the LIES!


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

RWB said:


> Cold, stare you right in the face and lie without any emotion. Damn the LIES!


The hardest thing I have ever dealt with. And still dealing.


I suspected my wife's PA about 5 months after she told me she *wasn't sure she wanted to be married anymore.?!?!?!* That *she wasn't sure what she wanted!?!?!?* This after 15 years of being together, 13 years of marriage, with no real reason for divorce. There was no abuse, no addictions, healthy children, we were financially stable. 

After she told me this I began to believe it and live it. I turned into a new man. For 5 months I was being who she wanted me to be, or so I was told. Then at the end of that 5th month, she kept pressuring me to move out for a separation and then move into divorce. I kept thinking that none of this was making any sense. Not one bit and it was driving me crazy. I asked straight to her face if there was someone else. She stared me right in the eye and said NO. And repeated what she had told me initially and continued to tell me for 5 months.

The next day, I found and posted my problems on this site. It was suggested to check her cell. I was so blind, stupid, trusting to the situation and her that I had not even thought about checking her cell phone. And there it was! About a million phone calls and texts per day for the last 7-8 months to some loser/predator boyfriend she had met at the gym!


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## vince325 (Sep 8, 2010)

Gut feeling. I confronted her with how I felt that she was at least having an emotional affair, and she lied, lied extremely well and had me convinced that she must be telling the truth. She made me feel guilty and like I didn't trust her by feeling the way that I did. Something told me to ask for the password for our cell phone account, but after doing a little investigation and coming up with really nothing, I decided to be the trusting husband that I am, and not ask her for the password. About 3 weeks later, I recieved an email from the OM's girlfriend, and she dropped the bombshell. An EA/PA and I was crushed. To this day, I am an avid HATER of Facebook. They were both old schoolmates and after they started to discuss our marriage and he found out she was lonely, he moved in and sweet talked her, and thats all it took. I still can't believe what she has done to me, to her and to us.


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