# Not sure what to think



## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

I have a situation that I am feeling uncomfortable with, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not.
My DH is a general manager over 2 manufacturing plants and has a very demanding position. He works very closely with the controller, who is female and is about his age. About a year ago, I noticed that he was making contact when I was not present. He does have a 24/7 job, but for some reason he makes sure I am not around during his phone calls to her outside of office hours. He does not seem to have that issue with his other employees, he will call and text them frequently in my presence. Also he travels quite a bit and she is usually the first person he will make contact with once his plane lands. I noticed again this morning while he is traveling, that he made sure he called her and sent her texts but I have not heard a word from him. We do share a cell phone account, and he knows that I see any activity. The contact between them is not overly excessive. I have admittedly, gone through his phone to make sure there was nothing amiss. I have found nothing that would raise any red flags.
However, there is a bit of a backstory to this. About four years ago, he did have an inappropriate relationship with a coworker.
What tipped me off, was he started sleeping with his phone and I noticed that there were a huge amount of texts to a certain number. He had set up a fake email account so they could email each other without my knowledge. The relationship ended when she left the company, and we moved out of state a few months later. To this day, he will admit nothing. I will never know the extent of the relationship.
I fear I am being overly paranoid and jealous due to our complicated history. Last week, out of the blue he sent me flowers and he never does that. My fear is that he was doing it out of guilt.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Listen to your gut.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears you H is doing it again. The first affair appears to be rug swept. Time to start digging in on the first affair because your H current behavior is a huge red flag.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Based on his previous behavior you have cause to be suspicious. Inappropriate behavior doesn't usually change until they're caught, confronted - and they chose to go to IC and make themselves a safe partner. 

Is the OW married? 
Is he more distant or critical of you?
Do you have access to his texts? Do they repeat at certain times or use certain phrases? Does he text her early in the AM and late at night?

He's learned not to send texts from the account you share. They can talk at work, take late lunches together, and use a private email account. They may have agreed to a certain innocent looking business text that is code for - check our email account.

Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in what ever room he goes into in order to talk in private and/or his car.
Review his charge account activity for suspicious lunches or gifts.
Finally, consider just hiring a PI to follow him at certain times when he's likely to be with her (Friday lunch?). They have technology that can listen to conversations in restaurants and take photos in dark parking garages.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> Based on his previous behavior you have cause to be suspicious. Inappropriate behavior doesn't usually change until they're caught, confronted - and they chose to go to IC and make themselves a safe partner.
> 
> Is the OW married?
> Is he more distant or critical of you?
> ...


I have access to everything including his work email. When I went through his phone, I looked at his work emails and saw nothing. I also searched his phone for private email accounts and found none. Almost all of the texts and phone calls during work hours. And yes, the OW is married.
He has not changed his behavior at all. When this happened before, he became very distant and wanted nothing to do with me. He is not acting this way now.
Right now my anxiety is at an all-time high because he is starting to travel again. I have been checking the cellular account periodically for the past few days, and there are quite a few phone calls and texts, but all during office hours. What is hurtful to me, is he will literally send me one text during the day and that’s it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beth57 said:


> I have a situation that I am feeling uncomfortable with, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not.
> My DH is a general manager over 2 manufacturing plants and has a very demanding position. He works very closely with the controller, who is female and is about his age. About a year ago, I noticed that he was making contact when I was not present. He does have a 24/7 job, but for some reason he makes sure I am not around during his phone calls to her outside of office hours. He does not seem to have that issue with his other employees, he will call and text them frequently in my presence. Also he travels quite a bit and she is usually the first person he will make contact with once his plane lands. I noticed again this morning while he is traveling, that he made sure he called her and sent her texts but I have not heard a word from him. We do share a cell phone account, and he knows that I see any activity. The contact between them is not overly excessive. I have admittedly, gone through his phone to make sure there was nothing amiss. I have found nothing that would raise any red flags.
> However, there is a bit of a backstory to this. About four years ago, he did have an inappropriate relationship with a coworker.
> What tipped me off, was he started sleeping with his phone and I noticed that there were a huge amount of texts to a certain number. He had set up a fake email account so they could email each other without my knowledge. The relationship ended when she left the company, and we moved out of state a few months later. To this day, he will admit nothing. I will never know the extent of the relationship.
> I fear I am being overly paranoid and jealous due to our complicated history. Last week, out of the blue he sent me flowers and he never does that. My fear is that he was doing it out of guilt.


So he has previous form for such bad behaviour? Go into SuperSpy mode.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Beth57 said:


> I have access to everything including his work email. When I went through his phone, I looked at his work emails and saw nothing. I also searched his phone for private email accounts and found none. Almost all of the texts and phone calls during work hours. And yes, the OW is married.
> He has not changed his behavior at all. When this happened before, he became very distant and wanted nothing to do with me. He is not acting this way now.
> Right now my anxiety is at an all-time high because he is starting to travel again. I have been checking the cellular account periodically for the past few days, and there are quite a few phone calls and texts, but all during office hours. What is hurtful to me, is he will literally send me one text during the day and that’s it.


check the trash folder or draft folder, people forget.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

What business reason is there for calling her when he first touches down?
Or is he just saying that he's back?

If you can afford it, hire a PI. It's not as expensive as you think and it saves time and a lot of stress. It also provides solid proof.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Beth57 said:


> *... but for some reason he makes sure I am not around during his phone calls to her outside of office hours. *..... Also he travels quite a bit and she is usually the first person he will make contact with once his plane lands. I noticed again this morning while he is traveling, that he made sure he called her and sent her texts
> 
> He had set up a fake email account so they could email each other without my knowledge. The relationship ended when she left the company, and we moved out of state a few months later. To this day, he will admit nothing. I will never know the extent of the relationship.
> 
> I fear I am being overly paranoid and jealous due to our complicated history. Last week, out of the blue he sent me flowers and he never does that. My fear is that he was doing it out of guilt.


You are right to be feeling this way due to his past inappropriate behavior.

The bolded part is what's mostly concerning. What's so important to share with her outside of office hours? And why do it privately?

Definitely red flag. Also, those flower he sent you ...are a sign of wanting to give a you a false sense of relief.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Does she do any traveling at the same time he does?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

invest in a PI and a VAR. Plant the VAR in his car and his office at home.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I feel bad for the guy. He has done nothing out of the ordinary to raise suspicion but his paranoid and insecure wife is searching and wanting to find something to validate her baseless made up paranoia - or is it guilt ? I think she needs a job or hobby to focus on herself and her value in the marriage instead of looking and hoping to find something wrong with him. 

Maybe she is the one looking to or being unfaithful ? Sounds more likely to me.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

If I were you, FIRST I would make sure he knows when he lands, etc, he needs to text/call you first, you are his wife after all. SECOND, I would also ask him WHY the need to walk away when they call/text. Be sure to let him know you have absolutely NO problem with them talking, but you do have a problem with the secrecy. He should make such calls in front of you, especially given the past history. If he gives you half-a**** answers, make sure he doesn't leave the convo and badger him until he answers. If you feel something isn't right, it probably isn't.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Whether anything is going on or not, this kind of worry and paranoia is what happens when someone cheats. The trust is never fully the same. Betting she wouldn't even be thinking about this if it didn't happen before.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> Whether anything is going on or not, this kind of worry and paranoia is what happens when someone cheats. The trust is never fully the same. Betting she wouldn't even be thinking about this if it didn't happen before.


You are correct, I would never have given this a second thought had it not happened before. I realize that I sound paranoid, but being lied to blatantly for 18 months will do that to you. As for feeling sorry for the guy, that’s laughable. He created these problems by cheating, he made that decision all on his own.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Beth57 said:


> You are correct, I would never have given this a second thought had it not happened before. I realize that I sound paranoid, but being lied to blatantly for 18 months will do that to you. As for feeling sorry for the guy, that’s laughable. He created these problems by cheating, he made that decision all on his own.


I don't think you sound paranoid at all. There are justifiable reasons for you to be concerned.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

2&out said:


> I feel bad for the guy. He has done nothing out of the ordinary to raise suspicion but his paranoid and insecure wife is searching and wanting to find something to validate her baseless made up paranoia - or is it guilt ? I think she needs a job or hobby to focus on herself and her value in the marriage instead of looking and hoping to find something wrong with him.
> 
> Maybe she is the one looking to or being unfaithful ? Sounds more likely to me.


You are kidding right? There are more red flags in this than the marches in Beijing in the PRC. Pluzzzzzz, she has every right to be on guard, it is not his first rodeo either!


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## MMH (Jul 19, 2018)

Beth57 said:


> I have a situation that I am feeling uncomfortable with, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not.
> My DH is a general manager over 2 manufacturing plants and has a very demanding position. He works very closely with the controller, who is female and is about his age. About a year ago, I noticed that he was making contact when I was not present. He does have a 24/7 job, but for some reason he makes sure I am not around during his phone calls to her outside of office hours. He does not seem to have that issue with his other employees, he will call and text them frequently in my presence. Also he travels quite a bit and she is usually the first person he will make contact with once his plane lands. I noticed again this morning while he is traveling, that he made sure he called her and sent her texts but I have not heard a word from him. We do share a cell phone account, and he knows that I see any activity. The contact between them is not overly excessive. I have admittedly, gone through his phone to make sure there was nothing amiss. I have found nothing that would raise any red flags.
> However, there is a bit of a backstory to this. About four years ago, he did have an inappropriate relationship with a coworker.
> What tipped me off, was he started sleeping with his phone and I noticed that there were a huge amount of texts to a certain number. He had set up a fake email account so they could email each other without my knowledge. The relationship ended when she left the company, and we moved out of state a few months later. To this day, he will admit nothing. I will never know the extent of the relationship.
> I fear I am being overly paranoid and jealous due to our complicated history. Last week, out of the blue he sent me flowers and he never does that. My fear is that he was doing it out of guilt.


He’s cheated and given the opportunity, he’ll do it again. Ultimately, you’re in control. I would figure out if it’s really worth staying with him. Only you know the answer. It’s a difficult reality, but if you stay, you’ll never trust him...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Out of curiosity, did you send him a good morning text?

I travel all the time and hardly ever call my wife. She has proven over the years that I am not a priority in her life. She has taken me for granted and admitted to this. She “said” that I am a priority but actions say otherwise. I don’t call because I really don’t believe she cares if I do or not.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Out of curiosity, did you send him a good morning text?
> 
> I travel all the time and hardly ever call my wife. She has proven over the years that I am not a priority in her life. She has taken me for granted and admitted to this. She “said” that I am a priority but actions say otherwise. I don’t call because I really don’t believe she cares if I do or not.


Most mornings if he travels I do text. And I will send him a good night text. He does not do the same for me. It gets old because I feel like I’m chasing him.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

MMH said:


> He’s cheated and given the opportunity, he’ll do it again. Ultimately, you’re in control. I would figure out if it’s really worth staying with him. Only you know the answer. It’s a difficult reality, but if you stay, you’ll never trust him...


It is a difficult reality. I stay because of my son, who is 13 and autistic. He adores his Dad and the thought of hurting him is more than I can stand.


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## coffeecurlsss (Oct 5, 2018)

I feel like you have a reason to suspect. You can get into FBI mode, follow your gut but don’t confront him if you don’t have any proof (yet). When we are being sneaky we make mistakes. Look at the drafts and deleted messages or spam or a different folder. If he text her first is maybe because she had already sent a message? Try to message him too, even if you have nothing new to say you can ask him to let you know when he lands , see if you reaching out first makes a difference. I’m not sure if you could get anything out of the social media account since everyone seems to have a perfect life there. If there’s a room he’s talking to where you can’t hear him that’s where you want to invest in a recording device. Don’t want to make you a paranoia freak, but clearing your doubts will help you, and hopefully you are not right but usually your gut feeling is always right.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you have no leverage.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

So last evening, while he was in the shower I was able to look at his phone. I looked at all the text messages that went on between the two of them while he was on his business trip. It was all work related, with friendly banter in between. There was nothing that would raise any real suspicion. However…
When he had his “inappropriate relationship”, He and his “friend” were calling each other besties, meeting for lunches and having talks out in the plant. Again, I don’t know the extent of that relationship.
I know there is a friendship issue that is missing in our marriage. I have always said to him I want to be great friends besides marriage partners. I feel like that’s important and essential. 
We don’t have that friendly banter between the two of us. Things changed for us when our son was diagnosed with childhood leukemia and then autism six years ago. Life for me became very serious and it changed the dynamic in our marriage. 
I know something needs to change, because this current work relationship could possibly go the same way as the other. 
I am open to any advice anyone could give me. And thank you for listening. This has been cathartic to get this off my chest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Out of curiosity, did you send him a good morning text?
> 
> I travel all the time and hardly ever call my wife. She has proven over the years that I am not a priority in her life. She has taken me for granted and admitted to this. She “said” that I am a priority but actions say otherwise. I don’t call because I really don’t believe she cares if I do or not.


@ABHale , she may well be thinking exactly the same thing about you. Have you ever told your wife ‘my love it would be lovely to wake up to a text from you?
My husband spent years travelling for work. I try to call, he’s busy, I don’t hear from him. I ’m at home juggling the house, kids, dogs and a job, it would be nice if he made the effort to call me regularly. Now i don’t bother and I no longer need him to keep in touch. If you feel like this bring it up with your wife. I brought it up but things didn’t change much, so now I really don’t care.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Who initiates the business texts? I don't understand why a plant manager is in constant contact with the accounting dept. What is the business reason for them to text every day? Are they discussing the budget?

When his plane lands does he text you too? 

Can you provide examples of the 'banter'?
Who initiates the banter?

Have you checked the weekend texts (if any)?

Are there any comments about marriage, spouses, or kids? 
Is there any indication that either knows details about the other's home life?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> Who initiates the business texts? I don't understand why a plant manager is in constant contact with the accounting dept. What is the business reason for them to text every day? Are they discussing the budget?
> 
> When his plane lands does he text you too?
> 
> ...


He is actually the General Manager. So he is responsible for everything, including the financial portion. But, I have often wondered about that myself.
It seems as if he is the one initiating most times. The banter that I saw yesterday, he had said casually to her that if the airport had a bar in it, he would be drinking. I do know for a fact that yesterday he had a very bad work related day. He did share that with me.
When his plane lands, more often than that not I will not hear from him. When I have scrolled through the texts, I never see any comments about family or children. There are some texts on a few weekends, but they are very sporadic. I have not looked at those.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

So the OW reports to your husband the General Manager?
How many texts per day, week or month?

I'm a retired accountant. I don't understand why the General Manager initiates texts to her daily/regularly (on business) and especially on the weekend. For example, telling her he just landed isn't urgent (unless he's heading to a meeting). 

Sounds like he initiates and continuously 'checks in' with her even though there's no urgent business reason. 

IMO he has a crush on the woman and acts out by texting her. EAs/PAs are pretty much fantasy so maybe he's convinced himself they're star crossed lovers (i.e., she'd be interested - but she's married). 

Since she doesn't initiate, it sounds like she's not interested - but he's the boss. 

1 - IMO, you need to take photos of the texts (including date and time) to establish a pattern of him reaching out to his employee unnecessarily. For at least a month.

At this point it may be harmless. However, it's a slippery slope and not something any spouse should have to live with. If he needs a friend, it shouldn't be his employee and it should be a guy.

Also the employee may not want his attention so it's unfair to her too. She may fear telling the boss to stop (especially since the texts are not flirty).

2 - Does he take her out to lunch or do they travel together at all?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

She doesn’t report to him. She reports to the VP of finance. But technically he is accountable for the finances of the plant. 

The texts and phone calls are mostly done when he travels. I do have a sneaking suspicion that they have lunch together when he is in the office. It’s just a hunch. They do not travel together. I know this because I will call her office phone when he is out of town to see if she answers.

You bring up an excellent point. The phone calls are usually 20-30 minutes in length while traveling. It makes no sense because he doesn’t make that much contact with the other managers that report directly to him. Texting yes, phone calls no.

Forgive me when I say this, but it makes zero sense from an attraction standpoint. She outweighs me by at least 100 pounds, and is not even remotely attractive. I know that outward appearances are not important, and I mean no disrespect by that statement, I am simply stating a fact.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not saying that he’s having an affair but you’d be surprised at how unattractive affair partners sometimes are. This very probably isn’t about physical attraction anyway. He would likely say, if you asked him, that she’s a work friend and nothing more. That might even be the truth. But some need is being met for him or he wouldn’t bother with the amount of attention he gives her.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Beth57 said:


> The texts and phone calls are mostly done when he travels. I do have a sneaking suspicion that they have lunch together when he is in the office. It’s just a hunch. They do not travel together. I know this because I will call her office phone when he is out of town to see if she answers.
> 
> The phone calls are usually 20-30 minutes in length while traveling. It makes no sense because he doesn’t make that much contact with the other managers that report directly to him. Texting yes, phone calls no.


To me these things are suspicious. I would ask him outright why he speaks to her but not other managers who he should have contact with? I think communication is key here. Not sure if you spoke to him about this yet, but you can't let it go until he gives you answers.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How likely was he physically attracted to the previous OW?

Are the phone calls during normal office hours (when she's in her office)?

What is the purpose of his travel? Is there some specific problem, people, or financial issue he's dealing with that would be of concern to her?

What do you know about her? For example: what would they have in common, similar upbringing, health problems, kid issues, ...? 

Is she a lot younger than him?

An affair partner just has to be good enough to satisfy whatever he needs. From your description of her (plus the fact the relationship is primarily texting & phone calls), he's probably not interested in her looks - but rather how she and/or the sound of her voice makes him feel. Maybe she's just a good listener or just mirrors his thoughts & feelings & concerns or makes him feel young - and so he feels a special bond with her. 

If he's discussing business with her that's fine - but if he's getting some personal emotional needs satisfied by her (i.e., shutting you out), that's cause for concern. Why ? because he's married and should be nurturing his marriage by sharing/turning to his life partner. 

A voice activated recorder in his home office may give you a clue as to what they talk about.
A PI may be able to 'hear' what they talk about over lunch.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I agree with the others who say appearance of a potential affair partner really doesn't matter much. That person is fulfilling a need that is missing in the marriage.

In this instance, it sounds like what is being fulfilled is fun and a release from focusing on serious adult responsibilities (your autistic son).

You said life got serious after your son's leukemia diagnosis and then his autism diagnosis, and rightfully so.

Is all of your attention spent on your son? Not judging AT ALL here. Just asking questions to get a feel for your relationship with your husband. Do you two have date nights? How's your sex life? How much time do you two spend alone together? Do you feel like all of your attention is spent on your son?


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> How likely was he physically attracted to the previous OW?
> 
> Are the phone calls during normal office hours (when she's in her office)?
> 
> ...


It is somewhat possible that he may have been attracted to the previous OW. I finally saw what she looked like when she tried to friend me on Facebook a few years ago. She was not what I would call attractive at all. In fact I was shocked when I saw her. They bonded over the fact she had a daughter with health issues, and their mutual love of sports.

The phone calls are usually during office hours, but their have been a sporadic few on the weekends. Not many, and that was awhile ago. The times that he does call her in the off hours, he makes sure that I am not around. Usually when he goes for his morning walks.

The purpose of his travel is that he runs 2 plants, one in NC and one in TN. Once a month he travels to the TN plant. The NC facility does the financials for both plants, which is where they are both based out of.

I really don’t know much about her, except she is married with 3 grown children and her husband is a police officer. She seems rather matronly. She is around the same age as I am.
I looked at the phone again last night more throughly. The original texts were still there and I found nothing else.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> I agree with the others who say appearance of a potential affair partner really doesn't matter much. That person is fulfilling a need that is missing in the marriage.
> 
> In this instance, it sounds like what is being fulfilled is fun and a release from focusing on serious adult responsibilities (your autistic son).
> 
> ...


We spend very little alone time together. Long story short, when my son was in active treatment for Leukemia, his airway got permanently damaged from chemo. He now has a tracheostomy and more than likely will have it forever. So anyone who stays with him must be able to provide emergency trach changes and know CPR. We do have nursing, but it’s hard to find one on the weekends. Now that my son is a teenager, he loves being in his room, so we can have a few hours in the evenings, but it’s not ideal.

I try very hard to focus on my husband when he is here, and make him the priority. I stay at home with my son, and he has plenty of attention from me all day, but in the evenings I make sure that I am paying attention to my husband. Our sex life is not great, that is not because of me. He works 12 hour days and is exhausted during the week, so it is few and far between.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I don't believe this is an affair yet. This is laying the foundation. He may not consciously be aware of it. He is aware he does it when you are around because it causes discomfort to him. He is aware of that. He is connected with her. He is getting enjoyment of sharing information with her, along the lines of a friendship of opposite sexes. Almost always the dynamic of a male-female friendship is different than a male-male friendship. Women friends will do things for male friends that a male friend never would, which males would not be open to it from other males, but enjoy it from a woman.

I really despise the moniker of "work wife" but I have seen male-female co-workers say this to each other, and not any of it being romantic or sexual. However, I always believe that those relationships easily could fall into the romantic and sexual at any time. There are men and women who are nowhere near "work spouse" but at the same time having much different dynamics than male-male friendships at work.

My point is that your husband is getting something out of that friendship. It is more than simply a co-worker or superior-subordintate relationship. She is making him feel better somehow. He wants to share with her. At this time, I don't believe it is romantic or sexual, but it could change quickly. Or it may never change. Maybe her physical unattractiveness to him allows him to always be just work friends with her. Maybe she is not interested. Maybe she just humors him because he is higher up in the pecking order in the company.

It seems you have some problems in your relationship with him, mainly being that it seems you are afraid to push him because he might leave, and then you feel you are stuck. I really believe you should be quiet about it, and keep looking and listening for escalation or de-escalation. Right now, it seems he is not doing anything other than friends. Yes, closer friends than the other managers, maybe than any other employee in the whole company. But still friends at this time I believe. But could change.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> I don't believe this is an affair yet. This is laying the foundation. He may not consciously be aware of it. He is aware he does it when you are around because it causes discomfort to him. He is aware of that. He is connected with her. He is getting enjoyment of sharing information with her, along the lines of a friendship of opposite sexes. Almost always the dynamic of a male-female friendship is different than a male-male friendship. Women friends will do things for male friends that a male friend never would, which males would not be open to it from other males, but enjoy it from a woman.
> 
> I really despise the moniker of "work wife" but I have seen male-female co-workers say this to each other, and not any of it being romantic or sexual. However, I always believe that those relationships easily could fall into the romantic and sexual at any time. There are men and women who are nowhere near "work spouse" but at the same time having much different dynamics than male-male friendships at work.
> 
> ...


I tend to agree with you. You are 100% correct that I do not want to push the issue. Not because I am afraid he will leave though, but because my son will be so terribly hurt. He has been through too much. I am fine being on my own. I also hate the moniker work wife. But that is exactly what she is, and I have in the past made reference to it. If it makes a difference, this has been going on for 2 years. There has been no escalation, it seems to wax and wane. I think what brought me to this forum at this point, was all the communication that went on last week. When he called her instead of me when his plane landed I reached my breaking point. Especially after finding out that the flight was quite turbulent and scary. It should have been me that he called. Every fiber in my being wants to confront him, but I am honestly afraid if I do he will take it underground. Also, he is the defensive type and it could very easily end up in screaming match.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You're smart not to confront him. Any chance for marriage counseling?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Beth57 said:


> I have access to everything including his work email.


No, you have access to what he *WANTS* you to have access to. I'm sorry, but this isn't rocket science. The man KNOWS you monitor his phone and all his accounts. Unless he has to wear a helmet in public because he's a danger to himself, then he's _intelligent_ enough to know better than to stupidly leave anything on his phone for *you* to find. That's just common sense. His phone is what got him caught last time, correct? And he knows you have access to everything including his work email, correct?

Then he'd have to be a complete moron to use *any* of those venues if he were up to no good. That's just a no brainer.

You're being incredibly naive thinking that just because you found nothing on his phone that MUST mean he's done nothing and you're just being 'paranoid.' 🙄 🙄 🙄

It's very possible he has a burner phone or even more likely, he's just resorted to what most cheaters do - using a method of communication with her that *you* don't know about. He could be using one of the numerous texting/chatting/calling apps out there (KiK, Snapchat, Textnow, etc. etc.) that you can easily hide on your phone or better yet, simply uninstall each night before coming home and reinstall when you leave for work the next day.

I honestly get the impression that you're afraid of finding out the truth and I totally get that. It just seems you prefer to delude yourself by believing your gut is 'wrong' just because you weren't able to find anything on his phone.



Beth57 said:


> I know something needs to change, because this current work relationship could possibly go the same way as the other.


Sadly, what needs to change is your naivete. I'm just being honest. You believe you 'caught' the last affair before it went physical but I think that's what you want to believe. And now you're once again talking yourself out of what your gut has been telling you for a while, now. But how do you delude yourself into belieiving everything is just fine and dandy when you know he'll only call this woman when you're not around to hear their conversation? What kind of story will you tell yourself in order to continue believing he's innocent?

Stop ignorning your gut. I *guarantee* you that your gut will always be more honest with you than your husband will ever be.


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## Beth57 (Jun 10, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> No, you have access to what he *WANTS* you to have access to. I'm sorry, but this isn't rocket science. The man KNOWS you monitor his phone and all his accounts. Unless he has to wear a helmet in public because he's a danger to himself, then he's _intelligent_ enough to know better than to stupidly leave anything on his phone for *you* to find. That's just common sense. His phone is what got him caught last time, correct? And he knows you have access to everything including his work email, correct?
> 
> Then he'd have to be a complete moron to use *any* of those venues if he were up to no good. That's just a no brainer.
> 
> ...



I decided to take a bit of time off from all of this, but I agree with everything you said. My gut has been telling me this for months. And yes, I’m scared. Who wouldn’t be? But I’ve survived worse than this and I can do it again.

I don’t think I can deny this anymore. He is pretty much thumbing his nose at me, and using the work excuse. This chick may be as big as a barn, and unattractive, but apparently there is something about her that he finds appealing.

A bit of an update, we found out yesterday that someone at his work could have possibly infected my husband, this woman, and 2 other employees with COVID. My husband has been on vacation all week, and she called him yesterday to tell him. He was on the phone with her in the garage and I walked in on the conversation. We won’t know anything until Sunday at the earliest. I guess that is his excuse for leaving the house and calling her for 20 minutes this afternoon. I call ********. You should be talking to your wife, and worried about our medically fragile sons health.


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