# empowering myself to be me



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

New thread. It's been six months since my H left me and I have finally accepted, truly accepted that he is not coming back. I accept our marriage is over. Getting to this point hasn't been easy. I've dragged my heels plenty of times. I've let go of my H and then grabbed onto him again. Metaphorically of course. Have not seen him in six months. 

I still believe him to be in Mid life crisis. And from what I know and what I've read, he is on his own journey and I need to let him go. My learning has been slow. I have refused to accept the obvious, time and time again. But I am here now, peaceful and calm and accepting. I need to heal me. I keep falling backwards, falling into the victim chair, but I am done looking back and I really hope I don't fall backwards again but I know if I do the TAM warriors will do what they do best and swing a good bit of lumber at me to wake me up as and when required. 


I am still a bit weak and need to build myself up emotionally. (also physically!) My last action on my previous thread was to sabotage myself and I triggered for two days. No more of that, EVER! I need to be my best advocate. Was that a good choice? no! Its time to become the me I want to be. Its time to be authentic and real to myself. I still know evenings are tough for me so I am scheduling up every evening till the end of time. Yesterday I went to a meetup. It was fab, had a great time. Tonight I have yoga. Tomorrow a wicca meetup. Saturday I have either a house warming or another meetup with the same group I went out with yesterday. The saturday meetup is basically bars, drinking and dancing. They're super nice people and I felt so great coming home yesterday so I am leaning to that. Maybe I can do both! Unfortunately no drinks for me at either event as I have to drive home. But I'm cool with that, and as I wrote in my last thread, it's nice to be out with people who don't care if you're drinking or not. My H used to always pressure me to drink, I know now that was to make himself feel better about drinking too much. I wouldn't say he was an alchoholic but he definitely self-medicates. Anyway that's in the past. For real this time. My marriage is over. I accept that now. 

Still no therapy from the NHS, but I'm starting to read more self-help type books now. I'm currently reading and loving 'This is not the story you think it is'. It was recommended by a MLC forum I occasionally visit (but TAM, you will always be my first love!!!) Not even first chapter in and the author is writing about choosing to not suffer. Wow. I've read alot of self-help books in my time, eventually gave it up when I realised nothing in my life changed. Nothing wrong with the books I read, it was me. Fear has been my companion for all my life. Lack of confidence, low self-esteem; these two has also been there. And I've been depressed for probably years, tho the last six months tipped me over the edge. I've been suicidal much of the time too. I hope by taking more positive action, I can move forward now. Today I choose life. Isn't everything down to choice? 

I have a blog too and am using that more often now. I am rejoining my poetry group and have booked to see my personal trainer tomorrow. Ok, I am still broke. No job, home insecure. I have more determination now to deal with all these issues. I am dedicating myself to bettering my life in every possible way. I'm the hero in my story. I also need to be a warrior and learn to fight my corner.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy,

No lumber today


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yesterday when I wrote the above post, I also texted my H,yes maybe unnecessary, but I felt I needed to do that. I basically said what I wrote here. I'm done. Our marriage is over. I'm moving on. Driving back home I get two calls, both from him. He has not called once since he left. Not ONCE. Phone died. I had a chuckle to myself. Phone now charging, but I'm out with the dogs now, then to a meditation group after that so won't be returning any calls shortly. Not really sure what to expect. If he was asking something simple, he would just text. Maybe blameshifting? Full moon two days ago, so anything is possible! LOL 

Edit. Just decided to call now, between dogs and meditation. No answer. Are you kidding me? Won't be calling back, obv. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Congratulations on the new thread and the positive outlook! Onward and upward!!

(Stick to not calling.)


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Congrats, Chopsy! Your new thread is so inspiring, as I still feel so pulled by the past, but am hoping to eventually follow in the same footsteps. Keep up the great work and keep us posted!

All the Best, - A12


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Woo, and indeed hoo.

Glad to see it Chopsy.

I would say never call him again f it can be helped and think twice before answering any calls. Take any needed communication to text or preferably email.

Detach and get that independence!


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Way to go you! I hope to make my own thread one day like this.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I guess everyone gets there eventually; i just reached the end of my patience for drama and bs. I woke up the next day and knew i was done.BF and A12, you'll get there one day too.

Still no response from h. I'm not calling. Before I would have been questioning why hes not returned my call. Obsessing on it. Now I'm meh. Oh well. Not my business. Moving on.

Will be having a chat with landlord on Monday. She mentioned someone has asked her about the house so don't think there will be any room for negotiation. So back to looking for a new home.

Found a job that looks good, ie I'd be good at it. But office closed till Tuesday! Will email cv today. 

It's like my mindset has completely changed. I feel calm and relaxed.i know I will be ok 

Went to meditation group last night. First time. It was lovely! Small group and everyone was very friendly. 

Am going to my older nephew's house warming today. My nephew (have five nephews ranging from 16 to 30+; nephews by marriage) 18, called and asked if he could get a lift. I'll pick him up at the train station and drive him there. I probably won't stay long, going to be a bunch of hippies, not that I'm bothered by hippies. I'm a bit hippie-ish myself. Guess its just that I'm underconfident as everyone is much younger (tho again why does that bother me?) and all know each other. I'm just not very confident yet. It's funny about age as I generally feel I have let go of the ageism. Ageism directed at myself. I'm 48. Yeah I know i don't look it! :rofl: but I am more conscious of how people might perceive me. That's just bs. I need to let that go, judging myself before anyone else gets a chance. I know it's my lack of confidence. Work in progress clearly. So those are my excuses why I won't like this party! Crazy. I'll go and be as open minded as I can. I also think there is another aspect in that I've known my nephew, now late 20s, since he was 15. I met his friends when he was in school and a lot of them were toss pots, so I thought. Anyway my nephew is still friends with most of these kids, now adults I checked the invite list. That coloured my perspective. Again making judgements on people I don't know and haven't seen since they were 15-17 years old.

Had an invite to go out with my local meetup group. They're going bar crawling and clubbing. Sounds awesome but I'm a bit tired and not up to it tonight. Housewarming seems more relaxing and less hiking between pubs in high heels! 
I have a cold, nothing bad,sore throat, sniffles and headache. Going to go make a soup shortly. 

Oh I had a brill session with my personal trainer yestday. Damn he's good. Did a bit of coaching with me while I was getting beat up. Really good workout and he helped me so much thinking through certain things. Did not mention H once. My H and I used to train with the pt. Previously, old Chopsy would have asked if my trainer has heard from H and all that. I thought about it, remembering old me, but let it go and just did my workout. Man I'm sore today! LOL

It just occurs to me now that since letting go of my marriage and my H, I am letting go of other things , or just suddenly becoming aware of what I need to let go. Letting go leads to more letting go, so it seems! All good.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

When you mentioned calling him back, I was looking for the lumberyard, but you made a nice recovery.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

((((APPLAUSE))))! Chopsy, I love your new thread and uplifting updates -- you are doing so great, you're a real example for me. 

My H served me papers yesterday -- finally, after 12 months of waffling. But is was onlt the separation and property settlement papers, so I guess that's just the first round, and there will be actual D papers coming when he gets around to that? Whatever, I went to my CrossFit workout (killer -- hang power cleans, running, and single-arm kettle bell snatches - LOL!). Then (after making a copy of course) I dropped the signed paperwork in the mail. I feel lighter and surprisingly freer already.

I also dumped my entire underwear drawer and bought a whole bunch of my favorite Victoria's Secret panties in every color  This afternoon, I am taking myself to the ballet. My favorite, the New York City ballet, performing in DC at the Kennedy Center. So excited!

The hardest part for me too, is adjusting to being home alone. I have two cats, but the house just seems so empty sometimes with the ghost of my H everywhere. I've started redecorating, and once I complete a total overhall of the interior design look, including replacing all the furniture -- especially what was the marital bed -- I think that will help. 

Good luck with your job search, and keep up the great work! New Chopsy is shining!!!

Cheers,- A12


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

You'll. Have to post pics when you do your redecorating A12! Enjoy the ballet, sounds awesome. Loved that you dumped your knicker drawer!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> You'll. Have to post pics when you do your redecorating A12! Enjoy the ballet, sounds awesome. Loved that you dumped your knicker drawer!


Nothing like new undies to perk a girl up!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Feeling horrendous. Having to miss house warming party. First evening on my own in awhile, too sick to go out. Reminds me why I need to book my evenings up. Feeling lonely and miserable.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Chopsy - 

Sorry you are not feeling well, but I hope you will go easy on yourself. Did you make soup, or can you get some take out? Just put on your coziest loungey clothes and curl up with some magzines or a book, and some nice soft music in the background and a hot tea. Is is just a cold, or a flu bug, do you think? Hope you feel better soon!

Cheers, - A12 (the Ballet was DIVINE! It made my heart soar, just absolutely breath taking!)


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Feeling horrendous.


Dislike! Feel better, sweetie. Remember you are not alone, you are with the best company -- yourself!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks A12 for your posts.its a cold that turned into a bad cold I guess. Felt a bit flu-ish for a while with a solid bit of puking. Not hungry at all. Maybes cup of tea tho. I'll try to be more positive. When I'm like this, I feel sorry for myself and get sad and miserable. I do have a new book SIL lent me, could make a fire and cuddle up. I really appreciate your suggestions. It's so simple, but I'd probably have carried on being miserable. 

I know why I do this, hard to stop myself tho. I was in hospital for months at a time over a couple years when I was 14-16 yearsold. Came out with no friends, overweight due to meds and very depressed. Oh and anorexic too. I was very ill for most of my teen years. Only saw my parents on weekends due to the distance from home to hospital. I fall into lonely and miserable mode too easily. Also t was the only way I got any attention as a kid was to be ill. 
Not sure if this makes any sense.guess I need to be more self-aware.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Great thread!! I hope to get there soon, I know I'm not ready yet. In 3 months, D and I will be moving to our new home and our new life will begin. THIS is where I want to be when that time comes. I've got a lot of work to do in the meantime to get his stupid azz out of my brain 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Take care of yourself, Chopsy, and feel better soon.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm feeling better but have missed my nephew's house warming party and Easter. Been sleeping most of the weekend. 

Just got off the phone with H. He called about the house and some money stuff but he kept me one phone asking questions. Previously I would have tried to keep the conversation going. Not sure why he was trying to engage me.i just wasn't interested in having a conversation with him tbh. It was a bit like a conversation with an elderly aunt. Asked about job hunt, the animals, the car, possible retraining etc. Asked if I was seeing someone on. Uh no. I'm still married! Duh! if I cheat on him then he can feel better about cheating on me. Not going to happen! It was all a bit weird. I got off as soon as I could. 

It's funny, I can see exactly how I would have responded previously. I would have kept him on the phone for as long as possible, and then analysed it after. He mentioned coming to see the animals. I begged him to do that ages ago. Not bothered now. If he wants to, he can I guess. But I'm used to him saying things and not following through anyway. 

After my self sabotage, I've managed to keep busy this week: meetup, yoga, meditation group, saw my personal trainer, went to the cinema. Going to plan my week ahead now. It's given me a big boost being more sociable. 

Thinking of trying to find a cheap class or course, or workout class of some kind.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> I'm feeling better but have missed my nephew's house warming party and Easter. Been sleeping most of the weekend.
> 
> Just got off the phone with H. He said he called about the house and some money stuff but he kept me one phone, asking questions. Previously I would have tried to keep the conversation going. Not sure why he. Was trying to engage me.i just wasn't interested in having a conversation with him tbh. It was a bit like a conversation with an elderly aunt. Asked about job hunt, the animals, the car, possible retraining etc. Weird. I got off as soon as I could.
> 
> ...


First rate Chopsy!

Happy Easter.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Glad you are feeling better, Chopsy! You are doing great! Loving your positive attitude and the sassy new you  

Keep us posted -- love hearing your updates! Fingers crossed for good news this week on the job front.

Cheers, - A12


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Awakening2012 said:


> Glad you are feeling better, Chopsy! You are doing great! Loving your positive attitude and the sassy new you
> 
> Keep us posted -- love hearing your updates! Fingers crossed for good news this week on the job front.
> 
> Cheers, - A12


How are you today?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Good stuff, Chopsy! Happy Easter


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

What was the title of your original thread. I'd love to read your back story. Could really use some inspiration right now and I'm really looking forward to learning from your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

ThanKs Frosty, Conrad and FF for checking in. I'm much better now. Drove my nephew J from the party yesterday to his home as I agreed the day before. Got there, wasn't planning on staying as nephew A and his wife were coming with their 1 yr old preemie, who is still vulnerable to infections and the like, woudn't want to pass that on to him, tho I was gutted to not see him and my nephew and wife. Oh well another time.
Drove home and went to bed. Definitely improving now. Just made a homemade carrot and apple juice. 

Struggling to plan my week, not much going on but that's not good enough. might see if I can check out a drop in fitness class or two. 

Now this will sound ridiculous, but when I was in one of my weak moments, I decided to buy H some easter chocolate! It just seems so stupid now. Anyway, I just remembered I have some gorgeous chocolate downstairs, the nice stuff too. I feel I am a different person to whoever that was who decided he deserved chocolate! At least I am able to reap the benefits! All lovely Lindt chocolate. 

I was also just going to say, if I haven't already, how important it is to re-read the 180 and detachment article. Tail end of last week I was going over both. So valuable to keep reminding yourself of the best tools out there.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Can you add the link for the 180 and detachment article?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> ThanKs Frosty, Conrad and FF for checking in. I'm much better now. Drove my nephew J from the party yesterday to his home as I agreed the day before. Got there, wasn't planning on staying as nephew A and his wife were coming with their 1 yr old preemie, who is still vulnerable to infections and the like, woudn't want to pass that on to him, tho I was gutted to not see him and my nephew and wife. Oh well another time.
> Drove home and went to bed. Definitely improving now. Just made a homemade carrot and apple juice.
> 
> Struggling to plan my week, not much going on but that's not good enough. might see if I can check out a drop in fitness class or two.
> ...


Chopsy,

An Easter "Resurrection" confession.

I haven't paid enough attention to your threads.

No more.

Happy Easter.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Thanks A12 for your posts.its a cold that turned into a bad cold I guess. Felt a bit flu-ish for a while with a solid bit of puking. Not hungry at all. Maybes cup of tea tho. I'll try to be more positive. When I'm like this, I feel sorry for myself and get sad and miserable. I do have a new book SIL lent me, could make a fire and cuddle up. I really appreciate your suggestions. It's so simple, but I'd probably have carried on being miserable.
> 
> I know why I do this, hard to stop myself tho. I was in hospital for months at a time over a couple years when I was 14-16 yearsold. Came out with no friends, overweight due to meds and very depressed. Oh and anorexic too. I was very ill for most of my teen years. Only saw my parents on weekends due to the distance from home to hospital. I fall into lonely and miserable mode too easily. Also t was the only way I got any attention as a kid was to be ill.
> Not sure if this makes any sense.guess I need to be more self-aware.


This is a great thread, Chopsy! I'm sorry you've been sick, but I hope you're feeling better. 

I just had to say that when you're able to make these connections to the past, as you have above, that gives the option of no longer being bound to those reactions. I'm sure that the next time you're not feeling well, you'll also feel less down. This is the new Chopsy. The connection to the 14-16 year old you made me think of IFS therapy -- which is about integrating the 'parts' of our selves. Those parts keep re-enacting coping skills that were maybe useful or effective at the time (usually when we're younger), but are no longer. 

You might want to take a look at this:
About Internal Family Systems

Keep up the great work, Chopsy. I've only been able to go to a couple of Meet-up groups here. Sounds like you have a lot of interesting ones! 

((hugs))


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I also wanted to say that I totally identify with the ageism thing you were talking about, too. I'm the same age you are, and I don't feel it!! That's partially due to formerly being married to someone younger and still having a young son, I think, but also because there's a lot of my own life that I 'missed out on.' I was just speaking to my great-aunt tonight for Easter, and she asked how old I am. She literally yelled 'YOU ARE NOT! I thought you were still in your 30s!' Of course, she's a firecracker at 86, and nobody believes she's that old, either. The point is, I do think that we impose things on ourselves that others don't necessarily see. It is part of that self esteem/confidence thing. It takes a while to get through that, but I have a feeling you will. 

Oh -- and another thing. You think it's good to not have to buy him Easter chocolates? Try not having to buy him birthday and Christmas gifts, too. New boots for me on his last birthday, and perfume for Christmas. :smthumbup:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

age? 

girl paleese...I'm 47...and I'm 'seeing to it'...I'm not looking it or feeling it least of all acting like it... you make it what it is....

it's time to take control chopsy and 'keep' control...not just talk about it... 'do it' daily... and keep doing it...'daily'....


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

AP, definitely wil have a look at ifs, I really want to move on from old coping skills. 

New boots, perfume..sounds like a great tradition to start!

Thanks AP and Stella for kicking ageism out of the ballpark. Btw Stella,caught up with your thread and your two new friends :smthumbup: gives me a bit of hope! 

Had brief-ish chat with h. I asked him to call to discuss plans going forward regarding the house and finances. He said he's happy to pay the rent for another six months. I don't like having to rely on him but seeing as I am just clawing my way out of my depression, more time to think over my options will help me. I don't mind staying here, not too many memories, he was away a lot anyway. I'm going to redecorate soon anyway. In the past, I would have to tried to keep him on the phone for as long as possible after the business chat,asking questions etc. Now, I'm just not bothered at all. In fact he kept me on the phone asking me questions about the animals,the car, job hunt, etc. ????? He didn't get much out of me as I simply wasn't interested in talking. Anyway since when does he give two hoots about me? 

Had chat with landlord yesterday, they're happy to have me stay so that's cool. Relieved I can stay and get my head straight. 

Next priority is a job. I haven't made much effort here due to being so off my head being depressed. Seriously upping my game. Got a couple calls to make today. Printing off more cvs. Am definitely going to find a job this month! 

Was sick all day yesterday, slept all day and all night. Definitely the flu. Definitely better today. Going to shower shortly and take these dogs out for a run. Theyve not had much fun last few days.

Haven't booked much for this week, no yoga, no meditation group, not much in way of meetups. Will book in for personal training session. 

Glad it's April. Maybe the stars will be kinder to me going forward!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Job this month sounds good. Have you look at agencies an recruitment firms like Reeds?

Be flexible in what you'll do and what hours you'll work and there is work out there. First job back is always the hardest. Just get something, then you can look at what you want to do etc once you have an income.

Keep the positive outlook!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Take care of yourself physically, Chopsy, so that you can get over this flu. Sounds like you have a great attitude about job hunting.

And, great job handling the phone call with your H!! :smthumbup:


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Glad you are feeling better, Chopsy! Good luck with the job search, and have a great week! 

I just scored tix to another ballet at the Kennedy center (American Ballet Theater), and have booked several massages coming up. Looking after #1, you know ;-) I've got to check out some meet-ups, because I do need to stop isolating so much outside of wrok, 12-step meetings, and CrossFit -- so thanks for the inspiration on that.

Cheers,- A12


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I heard this song for the first time the night before my divorce. It certainly could have described me earlier in my process, and I thought about how many other TAMers could identify with it, too.
Enjoy!

The The - December Sunlight (Cried Out) - YouTube

December Sunlight

The early morning sun lit up her room
But it wasn’t just a change in the weather
She’d read it in her stars and now she felt it in her heart
Life was gonna start getting better
And there was a time when she would pray
That each teardrop that rolled down her face
Would represent a day of pain for him
But now she’s changing the way she feels
About wasting her time and tears
Cried out, cried out, cried out
Cried out, cried out, cried out

And all the tricks and all the lies
He tried to pull over her eyes
Kept running through her mind
She looks back in disbelief
In confusion and in grief
At what his secrecy was revealing
You can scream into the pillow
You can pray into the night
But you can’t switch off your feelings
Like you’d switch out the light
But she’s changing the way she feels
About wasting her time and tears
Cried out, cried out, cried out
Cried out, cried out, cried out

And now these winter skies
Turn blue and bright
And she feels alive
And wants to drink every kiss
Make up for what she’s missed
And wipe him out of her mind
Some day he’ll have to grow up
And come clean
And listen to the screams
Of his own conscience
Cry out, cry out, cry out
... And she’ll not hear a sound


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Chopsy, keep up the good work girlfriend.

Everyone that comes to this thread is being inspired by your progress.

Go girl,
Stretch


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Glad you are so 'up' and looking forward to the week, Chopsy.

One question: why are you going to redecorate? Wait until you know what the future holds before you embark on this. Your H is saying he will pay the rent for another six months. You don't know yet whether you will be able to stay beyond that, or even if you should. Don't do put dreams and money into a place you may not be in eight months. Wait until you know that you have your own place.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Not to worry Frost,I am only redecorating on a minimalist budget, involving making a few cushions, picking up some cheap prints. Might paint a hall table I have. That kind of thing. Not really redecorating, just making a few changes. Am thinking of changing the sofa covers (they're ikea) so am checking eBay. I just want a change, even on a small scale, things I can do myself to brighten the place up. Nothing permanent.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Omg you are so lucky! Ballet tix, awesome! Once I'm a bit more settled and financially stale, I'd like I do some things like that. Have not been to a ballet in ages. Jealous of your massages! Enjoy, you deserve it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I heard this song for the first time the night before my divorce. It certainly could have described me earlier in my process, and I thought about how many other TAMers could identify with it, too.
> Enjoy!
> 
> The The - December Sunlight (Cried Out) - YouTube
> ...


Thanks Angel, love it. xo


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Chopsy, keep up the good work girlfriend.
> 
> Everyone that comes to this thread is being inspired by your progress.
> 
> ...


Aww shuck! *blushes*

You're too kind! xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Not to worry Frost,I am only redecorating on a minimalist budget, involving making a few cushions, picking up some cheap prints. Might paint a hall table I have. That kind of thing. Not really redecorating, just making a few changes. Am thinking of changing the sofa covers (they're ikea) so am checking eBay. I just want a change, even on a small scale, things I can do myself to brighten the place up. Nothing permanent.


I was just thinking about this yesterday and even tho there is nothing wrong with wanting a change, Ive just realised that this is/can be a type of distraction. I know in the past when my job was hell I threw myself obsessively into redecorating the bedroom top to bottom. It's the same urge as wanting to hide under the duvet and look at cute kitties online all day. Sad but true. 

Already I am slightly obsessive, so need to drop it and refocus on the issues at hand. I get scared and anxious and decorating (and cute kitties) are my crack cocaine. Too much on the line for me to mess about. Thank you Frost for flagging this. I know I have a problem! The first step is admitting it. LOL

Tbh I am struggling. Oh 2x4 the hell out of me someone. I am sick to death of myself. Ok might need a lumber yard. I've blocked my H on Facebook for some time. Good move I hear you say. Then my phone runs out of credit and I need to message him about the dates the rent is now due. (I later found out the landlord had done this but didn't know at the time) so I unblock him - he's still unfriended at this point, I've not lost my mind! I do this so I can send a message to him. Do not look up his profile. But if you know FB, the profile pic comes up and it's him wearing an atrocious novelty st patricks day hat, the kind of thing he used to scorn and laugh at, and looking totally wasted. No surprise, his OW is a drinker too. I believe there is probably a lot of drinking going on. My H is probably an alchoholic. He always over drank in our years together and I was usually the sober one or near sober one that said lets go home now and he was the one who always said lets have another! Guess he doesn't have that problem anymore.

I can't help being concerned and sad about that pic. It says so much. I know the OW got him that hat and took the pic. She's Irish. SIL tells me she also posts on H's page posing as him saying all sorts of ridiculous things. I'm almost 100% certain she posted the pic as his profile shot. Not that it matters. I'm actually embarrassed for him. 

Well anyway my point being is my H's mother was an alchoholic and died at 48, the same age I am. I wonder sometimes if my age had any bearing in him leaving? He told me he left the IC too, she wasn't much good according to him. Probably asked him some difficult questions. I am holding back from going all CD (and consequently getting lumber beatings on TAM) that he should wake up and sort his drinking. Yeah I know nothing would make a difference anyway and I am a reformed CD now! LOL It just sucks to see your WH self-medicating to the point of damaging himself with booze. And all because he can't face his issues. Well maybe one day he will wake up and face them, and I hope it's before he is in hospital with liver disease, like his mum. I remember those times very well still.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Listen to me.

If he left someone that has the game you have? He's a dumbass.

I'd love to lumber him.

He probably needs to drink to stand her.

Forgive yourself dear.

You are a treasure.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:iagree:

You will find you CAN do this just as soon as you accept you need to and believe you can.

He has downgraded to his own level. Set yourself free!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, its hard to stop caring about someone who you’ve loved. But you know that there is absolutely nothing you could do or say that would change his behavior. This isn’t just because you are his ex. It is the same with any addictive personality. He has to come to it himself, and yes, he may have to hit rock bottom first. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is to stand by and watch them fall. 

And the hardest thing you are going to have to do is let go. This is going to be hard to hear, but its reality. He’s not yours anymore, Sweetie. Let go.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oops sorry for the empty post. Came for some inspiration before going home to face my X for about 2 hours. You definitely inspire me. Keep going. You got this. Read what KC wrote. So true!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Your ex is a doosxhbagg..for craps sake woman...be done with him...mind your own...for months you've talked about changes...deal with those changes...no one is going to take care of you but 'you.' 

Your still relying on him...this has got to stop. Your still peeking in on him...this has got to stop. You still talk to him...this has got to stop. You need a divorce and let him go. 

You need a life of your own.. pay your own rent..pay your own way..and do every dam thing on your own. Period.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Chopsy - 

Just checking in to say hello. How did your week go? Any leads on the job search? Plans for the weekend? I hope you are well. 

Best Regards,- A12


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Listen to me.
> 
> If he left someone that has the game you have? He's a dumbass.
> 
> ...


Thanks Conrad xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Stella for the a$$ kicking, right as usual. I never did look on his home page or anything, just not interested. Just noting how low he has sunk, but not my business. 

Thanks Conrad, Frosty, KC, FF, and A12 for checking in. Taking on all your thoughts and advice. Seriously. 

When I said I was done, I'm done. True, I got caught in a conversation I didn't want to have, that wont be happening again. There will be occasional talks about business and money going forward but that's it. I'm not prepared to listen to any more bs tbh. 

Week has been so-so, getting over the flu has sapped my energy. Ordered Melody Beattie's latest the New Codependency. CD No More was going to take 3 weeks to arrive. Have read several chapters so far, very good. A lot I know already from reading on TAM. I'm already thinking of people who would probably benefit from reading this, but I guess that would be CD! Can't pass my copy on anyway as its on the kindle. 

No yoga this week, it was cancelled. Not much going on generally. Been busy taking the dogs out and making up for my sick days. Worked in the garden today. Have called about a few jobs, sent in a few applications. I've been generally keeping my evenings busy but it's been nice this past week being in. I was a bit worried but it's been great. Made a wood fire every evening, lit a bunch of candles, incense, the works. Low lights. No telly. Very peaceful. The animals seem to settle better too. Played some music. Did a tarot reading for myself. Did a lot of reading. Reading a novel, rare for me. It's an old one someone gave me from their bookcase during a clear out. Which is something. I should do I've been thinking. Keen to have a good clear out and clean up. Going to hire one of those steam cleaners soon to tackle some tough pet stains. Really want to get things organised in the house. It's the office area which is worst. Needs some work for sure.

Got my certicqte for archaeology through the post today. Never went to the ceremony in Oxford, was too low at the time. Not too bothered. It was a lot of work but now can't see myself going back. Im interested in everything which is how i ended up studying archaeology. If I was to start retraining tomorrow, it would be as a life coach and maybe finish my counselling training (have two years to go). Am also interested in holistic therapies. One day I'll get there. 

Still really cold here. Daffodils are starting to come up finally. I have an orchard where I live and there's loads of daffodils in spring, it's really gorgeous. 

Thinking of going to visit a friend this weekend or do something fun.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Sounds great, Chopsy, on all fronts -- good to hear your update, and that are planning something fun for the weekend. You can get back to the yoga when it resumes -- it is sooo helpful on many levels! Well done, young lady!

Warmly, A12


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hey, Chopsy, how are you today?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, checking in to say hi, I read your latest post and I came away envious, it all sounded so tranquil and quiet, good books, good music, a beautiful orchard, daffodils coming up, a wood fire with incense burning. 

Wow. In a few hours, I'll be in terrible Washington traffic, spilling coffee on my pants, swearing and making obscene gestures to other drivers, my blood pressure through the roof. The grass is always greener, eh?

Hang tough, you're doing great.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BW, made me laugh! I'm the same in traffic, little bit of road rage never hurt anyone! I try to think calming thoughts and all that but all the douche bag drivers out there push me over the edge! Watch that coffee! 

Thanks A12 and Frost for checking in. Back to yoga this week. Just saw my mentor this morning, who is my yoga teacher. Damn she's good! Can tell right away I haven't been balancing my chakras.im seeing her for mentoring as is most of the class. She is lovely and sweet in class but in mentoring, she is fierce! Had a great chat, I need to build up my yang (masculine energy) up big time. It's also why I cant hold certain poses in yoga, not enough yang! Yeah, who knew! 

Talked about confronting the h with the debts and get him to suggest how we deal with them. I have low expectations tbh. "I'm doing the best I can" etc. Cop out. Hopefully he will surprise me. Debts are all in my name because I am a douche and he had crappy credit at the time. He mentioned the debts last week when we talked but in a vague, useless way. So am hoping he will be at least confirm he has responsibilities. My mentor wants this going forward so when I see a solicitor for advice, I've got evidence as such. 

She also wants me to look into getting a lodger to help with the rent. Although douche boy is supposed to be paying it, if I got a lodger, I could save that money now and hopefully have a footing to stay if/when he decided to stop. Will have to chat to the landlord obv.

She also wants me to start making a plan or at least thinking about it, say six months down the line. She gave an example of me working part time, with lodger in place, and back at uni studying counselling. I guess I've been so long just surviving, I simply haven't thought of looking ahead like that. Quite exciting tbh! 

Been feeling poorly again today, bit pukey and headache and lingering cough. I have this medical condition called chiari (to add to the others), it rarely bothers me but when I have a cough I get murderous headaches. Dogs are winding me up today! It sucks to be on your own when you're ill. Just to have someone take the dogs out properly (I have taken them out but not enough I guess), and make me a cup of honey and lemon would be awesome. Oh and a neck rub. Oh well, these are the experiences that make you stronger aren't they?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, my, you sound upbeat today, despite feeling poorly. As for the dogs, just let them out, if they come back fine, if not, another problem solved.

And I feel some innappropriate remark coming on about strengethening my yang, so I'll keep it to myself.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Great to hear your update, Chopsy, and that you're getting some helpful advice. Where do things stand with putting an enforceable separation agreement in place, so you don't have to depend on his vagueness? No way should you be saddled with debt that he incurred. I can see how having a lodger might ease the finances, but (speaking only for myself) having a roomate would stress me out. Maybe I have become so used to living alone by now, it would be hardship to share the TV and refrigerator - LOL!

Sorry you're still not feeling tip top, and hope you get back to full strenght soon. I like the idea of a six months plan -- having a focus and purpose with work and school will be energizing and empowering.

Take care and feel better! Cheers, - A12


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You just need a room mate like me that is hardly there and hides in his room on TAM half the time when he is!

Or that is hot as hell. 

Sounds like despite feeling icky your mood is still holding up which is great. You should try some employment agencies. Even if it only results in temp work, it would get you back in the job market.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hey KC aren't you both? Hot and hiding on TAM?  win win!!

BW if only they had run off but they keep coming back! Damn dogs! Btw all inappropriate remarks are welcome! 

A12 not sure either about the lodger, just an idea being tossed around. Now that I'm on my own I do value my privacy. Not making any moves on this any time soon anyway. 

Yeah my mood is holding, feeling quite chirpy despite the yukkiness. Hope that passes by tomorrow. Good idea about the agencies too. going to go to the local college and start an IT course as well. 

Have booked a pt session this week. Have yoga, meditation and a pagan moot as well. Scared of the moot, can be a bit freaky! LOL I have witchy tendencies tho also have Buddhist leanings. Well it's a night out is the way I see it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chopsy, I wish I had found this thread earlier, I may have gotten to where I am sooner! I just posted my own thread about this same issue of finally getting some empowerment myself, so I am really relating to what you are posting.  Its crazy, because I have not actually DONE anything really different, except leaving my ex alone, but I FEEL so much better emotionally! It evidently just takes making up your mind.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You really do sound chipper, Chopsy. Hope you feel better soon.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Hey KC aren't you both? Hot and hiding on TAM?  win win!!
> 
> BW if only they had run off but they keep coming back! Damn dogs! *Btw all inappropriate remarks are welcome! *
> 
> ...


'Balancing your chakras?' 

Girl...you should try 'balancing your 'chakras' the way I been 'balancing' mine....

...then get back to us....  *giggle...


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Witchy tendencies with Bhuddist leanings. Hmmmmmm.... Give us just one example....not stirring a big cauldron and adding Eye of Newt.... .?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: empowering myself to be me*



Chopsy said:


> Hey KC aren't you both? Hot and hiding on TAM?  win win!!


So I seem to be hearing a lot lately. Heh.

Seriously though a lodger could be great for your financial situation. There are a few websites for finding lodgers. They let you specify non smoking, professional only etc etc. You don't have to take in dross if you decide to do it.

And yeah how does that mix of buddhism/wiccan etc play out? Sound interesting to say the least.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

[email protected] Ok I do spells (no eye of newt!) using candles, crystals, incense, and herbs plus intention. I do healing rituals. Meditations. My personal philosophy is Wiccan "harm none" but also take a lot from Buddhism. 
I realised some time ago that I need to make my own rules. So I do! Paganism is the canopy that you find various faiths under like Wicca, Druidism, Odinism, etc Witchcraft is just the spell working craft. Wicca is the faith (nature based). Lesson complete! 

Still feeling rough. Actually worse. Flu type symtoms, albeit mild, come and go. Need a healing ritual! I know I haven't been eating well so that's something I need to rectify. 

Thanks KC for the lodger advice. Shall be investigating. Must admit in nervous about it, but needs to be considered as an option. 

Ok back to bed!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

H just texted he is coming here on Sunday to see me and sort stuff. And that he is filing for divorce. I am so shocked. And hurt. And scared I'm going to have a melt down when I see him. I'm really rally upset now and freaked out.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Chopsy - 

Sorry for the rough news! I'm sure it did feel shocking and upsetting to receive that text. Remind me, had he already signalled to you at any point in the separation that D was his intention, or was there ever any discussion of the possibility of R? He may well follow through, but from my experience, if they have any reluctance or conflicted feelings they can flip flop. Repeatedly. 

As we have seen, a text like that from my H might mean days of high anxiety leading up to the visit Sunday, only to have him end up crying on my (formerly our) sofa about how depressed he is and how he just can't do it, doesn't know what he wants, etc., ending with a hug "good night." Then back to NC and endless limbo with high probability of future repeat scenarios. 

So you never know. Just breathe and try to spend time with friends and family who love you -- and post here as much as needed!

((((Hugs))))), A12


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> H just texted he is coming here on Sunday to see me and sort stuff. And that he is filing for divorce. I am so shocked. And hurt. And scared I'm going to have a melt down when I see him. I'm really rally upset now and freaked out.


It may not seem it but it's good news. No more what if and you knew it was going to be the outcome. i now it hurts when you realise it's for real, it did me. He will be given legal obligations to abide by rather than his best i can when i can BS he gives you now.

As to in person. What, he wants to so you have to? Nope. if you don't feel up to it tell him anything he wants to say can be done by email or via his legal representation. If you don't feel you're up to face to face, don't do it face to face.

Plus I wouldn't trust him to not try and manipulate the responses he wants by doing it in person. He is your enemy in this remember. You don't have to play by his rules.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi Chopsy -
> 
> Sorry for the rough news! I'm sure it did feel shocking and upsetting to receive that text. Remind me, had he already signalled to you at any point in the separation that D was his intention, or was there ever any discussion of the possibility of R? He may well follow through, but from my experience, if they have any reluctance or conflicted feelings they can flip flop. Repeatedly.
> 
> ...


 Thanks so much A12 for the support. I was just so shocked as he has never mentioned D once. Maybe the OW is putting the pressure on, who knows. I'm ok now, whatever the outcome. Nothing I can control anyway. thanks again xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

K.C. said:


> It may not seem it but it's good news. No more what if and you knew it was going to be the outcome. i now it hurts when you realise it's for real, it did me. He will be given legal obligations to abide by rather than his best i can when i can BS he gives you now.
> 
> As to in person. What, he wants to so you have to? Nope. if you don't feel up to it tell him anything he wants to say can be done by email or via his legal representation. If you don't feel you're up to face to face, don't do it face to face.
> 
> Plus I wouldn't trust him to not try and manipulate the responses he wants by doing it in person. He is your enemy in this remember. You don't have to play by his rules.


Hi KC

You make a lot of good points here. I think he wants to come and see the animals. I just had a thought, tho if he thinks he's getting them, then forget it! 

I'll be ok. I don't know what I want, now that you mention I have choices. Will have to think about it. 

I do expect he may try manipulation or blameshifting but I'm on it. Been reading a lot of BW, Regroup, HappyKaty, etc -lots of good advice there. 

Now that the shock has worn off I am happy whatever happens. I never presumed this was the outcome, but if he decides he wants this, so be it. Just worried as I have no income to get a lawyer. Will check my options for legal aid, unless that's been cut too. 

I'd prefer not to gt divorced, not at this point anyway. Oh well.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't have much hope of any money as he is self employed and just won't declare his earnings so little hope of alimony for me I reckon. Wish I could lawyer up big time if he goes ahead, would love to add the OW too.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I don't have much hope of any money as he is self employed and just won't declare his earnings so little hope of alimony for me I reckon. Wish I could lawyer up big time if he goes ahead, would love to add the OW too.


Sorry, Chopsy, I know that was a shock. Now more than ever, you need to find a job. I highly doubt that the outcome of a D will include him continuing to pay your rent. 

Hug.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Miss Chopsy, been following your thread, so sorry about the shock of hearing the D word. Yes, if you can, find a way to see a lawyer, I don't know about there in the UK but here, the fact he's self-employed is irrelevant, he'd be forced to give you some alimony. Just the sheer act of raking him over the coals financially might prove therapeutic.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well he was a no-show. No call or text. If there's a next time I'll be sure to set a specific time so I'm not waiting all day. Not very surprised, he's not seen me in almost seven months, I suspect he was too nervous and anxious to face me. 

SIL told me recently that he told her he and the OW have screaming rows all the time. So unlike our marriage-yes we had fights but always settled the issues without screaming! Such a contrast to my calm peaceful life now. I think if he came back and saw our beautiful home, the garden coming into bloom and and me and the animals so peaceful and settled, he would really be struck by the comparison to his new life with his drunk screaming OW. As BW once said, maybe he drinks in order to live wih her! 

Thinking of dying my hair brown. It's blonde at the moment. LOL deep thinking on a Sunday night! Not much else going on, oh I found out my gas tank is completely empty (duh!) so have called for a refill. I shouldn't have let it run out but I'll cope. 

Job agencies tomorrow. Mentor tomorrow. Stuff to do. Happy Sunday night everyone!


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Well he was a no-show. No call or text. If there's a next time I'll be sure to set a specific time so I'm not waiting all day. Not very surprised, he's not seen me in almost seven months, I suspect he was too nervous and anxious to face me.
> 
> SIL told me recently that he told her he and the OW have screaming rows all the time. So unlike our marriage-yes we had fights but always settled the issues without screaming! Such a contrast to my calm peaceful life now. I think if he came back and saw our beautiful home, the garden coming into bloom and and me and the animals so peaceful and settled, he would really be struck by the comparison to his new life with his drunk screaming OW. As BW once said, maybe he drinks in order to live wih her!
> 
> ...


Good work on the job hunting Chops! im sure you will find something to tied you over

This "visit" you mentioned, i really wouldnt entertain anything further, you are your own person and if you arrange to meet anyone to discuss things then they have the common decency to turn up or at least let you know they have to cancel. Dont let ANYONE esp your ex treat you in this way. He has no right to do this, whatever the reason!!
I would strongly suggest getting a solicitor involved at this stage. This ex of yours is just worried about his financial obligations by the sound of it and cant even be bothered to turn up?? Even if he is or isnt arguing and drinking with hisPOSOW thats not what you need to be focusing on at this stage, its rebuilding Chops !
Deep x


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

100% what Deep said.

Hope the job hunting goes well.

An independent happy Chopsy is going to kick a$$!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

In other news a book I ordered on amazon marketplace arrived today. It is awesome! "the Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Deals with all sorts of abandonment, not specifically marital. Could be childhood or old unhealed abandoments or parental abandoments. So good! I recommend it to everyone. Seriously it makes so much sense of everything I have been through. Wish I had it from day 1. If you have any abandonment issues please do yourself a favour and read this.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'd forgotten about this one. I read it, too. In fact, I think I'll read it again.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> In other news a book I ordered on amazon marketplace arrived today. It is awesome! "the Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Deals with all sorts of abandonment, not specifically marital. Could be childhood or old unhealed abandoments or parental abandoments. So good! I recommend it to everyone. Seriously it makes so much sense of everything I have been through. Wish I had it from day 1. If you have any abandonment issues please do yourself a favour and read this.


Hey There! Amazing, that was one of the many "self-help" books I've loaded onto my Kindle since my separation of just over a year -- and I agree, it is one of the most helpful! I just started another book by the same authors about working on yourself and your inner demons. I really like her accessible, intelligent style of writing and relating. Glad you found that book helpful, too! I need to re-read it, or at least go back over the bits I highlighted, because I am having one helluva time moving on, emotionally. 

Cheers, - A12


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

What's the name of the one you just started, A12?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How did the job hunting go, Chopsy?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, just dropping a note to say hi, hope you're okay. Indeed, I hope the job search is going well. 

I'm watching another show on BBC America, Top Gear, the car show, it's so British, everyone is a smart-azz and sarcastic as hell. 

Hang tough, kid.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Love top gear.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Are you kidding me??? Top Gear?? Jeremy Clarkson?? LOLOLOL I don't mind the actual car and driving bit but Jeremy Clarkson is such a twat! LOL


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, job hunting is a big meh. It's tough out there. I'm trying to stay positive but it does get me down. 

Had my first CBT appt today, but not sure if it's actual therapy or another effin assessment. We shall see. Another appt next tues. it was just the usual assessment stuff today. 

Three hour walk with the dog. Don't even ask how far we went, maybe five miles? But two big hills included. Shattered! So is the dog. Trying to get in shape for our charity walk in may. 11 miles through the Malvern hills. 

BW, I don't blame you for watching Top Gear, but KC seriously you should know better!!!! LOL


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I like to laugh at Clarkson actually. Would I want to have a pint with him? No, he is a tool. But I would sit across the pub laughing at the tosser over there being entertained form a safe distance. 

A tool but I do find him entertaining.

ETA, glad you got out. Its not a good time to job hunt but hunting is a step forward.

Dont underestimate checking on companies websites directly either.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry, the job hunting was a bust today. Something has to turn up soon. Hang in there.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, anything new on the job search? 

And, yes, I thought it was just me, I want to beat Jeremy Clarkson with a shoe.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

It is another of Susan Anderson's (more challenging) books called:"Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns"; 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345514483/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1366412165&sr=1-1&pi=SL75

Best, A12


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How’s it going, Chopsy?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> It is another of Susan Anderson's (more challenging) books called:"Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns";
> 
> Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns:Amazon:Books
> 
> Best, A12



Thanks, A12!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hey Chopsy, how's it going now?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Ditto, how are you, Chopsy?

Best, A12


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi I'm still here. Had some friends over the weekend. I guess Ii haven't had a lot to report here. Have my second CBT appt tomorrow. Low expectations tbh. Hey ho. Going to get what I can out of it anyway. 

Saw my mentor today. She makes a list of things for me to get on with. So this week I need to register for an IT course to start upgrading my skills. The course is free so that's good. I'm also emailing my stbx about the debts and what he proposes we do. And the next step is seeing someone at CAB (free advice agency) then a solicitor. Talked about divorce. I've held out against it for a long time but now facing up to it. Not heard a peep since H said he was coming here, threatening to file. Oh I'm soooo scared! Little boy didn't show up, can't face me. 

Rent has been paid, talked with landlord today. Talked about having a lodger and various other ideas. Nothing confirmed at this stage. She said H confirmed again he will pay rent going forward. I have a small amount of savings to get out and find a new place if need be, from housing benefit. I am keeping it from H as he doesn't help with maintenance whatsoever and I have to protect myself going forward. However when I move, I'm going to insist my stbx will put his hand in his pocket. 

Anyway for now I am here. Garden is full of daffodils. I'm not at all stressed about anything. Even the housing, if stbx decides he's not paying my rent anymore, yes I will need to move most likely. But I know I will be ok. I'm actually feeling strong in myself now.

I don't want my x back. The wh0re can keep him. I haven't called or texted him in ages. I'm done chasing. I need to sort my finances or at least know where I stand. And then I will be filing. The only way I will ever ever EVER consider taking him back is if he has a good 6 months to a year of therapy. Plus all the usual dump the ho, passwords etc. can't see me taking him back and can't see baby boy manning up anyway. I mean that man is f*cked! To be honest I can't ever see him facing up to his baggage. Whatevs. 

When I think back to our marriage I was very unhappy in myself. I was a doormat, I did everything for that man. Codependent much? I'm sure his posOW is ironing all his shirts and booking all his appts making his dinner every night, doing all the shopping, cleaning etc, even making his breakfast and protein shakes for the gym!! :rofl: I mean he had it GOOD. He never will again, not with me! LOLOL I am sooooo done peeps! I just can't see myself sitting around waiting for him to realise his wh0re is a pos skank. I have a life to live! If he wants to file, and tbh, he isn't man enough to do it anyway, I'm like bring it on because I am going to fight my corner. No more doormat. Ever. 

Got some great ideas job wise, feeling excited about everything now. I'm setting some goals now. Seriously, there's no stopping me now.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great to hear from you and even better its such an upbeat update.

Working on improving your skills while looking for work is a great step in the right direction.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I just loved reading this. So happy for you. Keep going!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like you’re taking some good steps along your path! :smthumbup:


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Keep kickin' a$$ Chopsy! When you decide to start dating again, there is going to be one lucky guy out there.

You rock,
Stretch


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Great to see your upbeat post, Chopsy! Keep up the good work and pleanty of great things are in sotre for you  

Best,- A12


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Time for a catch up post! It's been a little over a week. Just had my third CBT appt today. If you're not familiar with. CBT its cognitive behavioural therapy. So it's about looking at your thoughts and tracking them and becoming more active. Got a lot of paperwork to fill out for the next week. Tracking what I do every week, all my negative thoughts, and much more. It's good. I dissed it before I started, but I am finding it useful. I can't say my days are completely full of activities but I am making a start. Went swimming last week, tho I spent most of the time in the sauna, and steam room. Found out about the local college's beauty therapy department, for cheap facials and haircuts etc. I have booked in for a massage tomorrow, cost me £15! Have booked a hair cut too. I'm not too precious about my hair but I hope it's not a hatchet job. I've been informed they have supervisors checking. Did a bit of a hatchet job on myself, dyed my hair brown, well that's what I thought it would be. Turned out red. Bright red. I mean, I love red (ginger) hair but wow, how did that happen? LOL might try and keep it, it's a change anyway and suitsmy colouring. I'm very fair and blonde. 

Have signed up for a two week course, set up the job centre, a introduction to care work. I'm not sure how interested I am in care work, although I've been told there are many different avenues to take. Anyways think it will be useful for me, and apparently there are employers visiting to meet with us and this course has an excellent record for employment following the course.i don't care anymore I just don't want to work in an office.i do want to help people so this is a good way in. starts next tuesday. Very excited. 

Last year before I fell into depression I was planning a photography project of local churches in Herefordshire and Worcestershire, which are early Norman/late Saxon in date and all have carvings known as the Herefordshire School. Very distinctive carvings, lots of animals, beast heads, Sheela na gigs,Celtic knot carvings, etc. I love this stuff. If Ihad continued with archaeology this year, I would have been studying Anglo-Saxon archaeology. Bit gutted tho i definitely wouldnt have been up for all the course work! But I can still visit old churches and ancient monuments. Last Sunday I visited a very old Saxon church, dated to around 800. In this same tiny village there was this church plus a small chapel of the same date! Imagine having two buildings of such an early date in the same village,ok maybe you're not into this, clearly I am! 

So yeah these are the kind of things I want to make more room for in my life. More fun, plus all the usual chores and necessary things. When you're depressed, everything falls off the plate. All the things you used to do, plus even basic things like cooking (still a problem for me), chores, paying bills, socialising.etc slowly I am rebuilding my life. 

Have friends coming this weekend, it's a long weekend here. Looking forward to it!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds amazing Chopsy. You sound like you have been making a lot of progress in your absence.

Care work could be a great avenue back into work. Forget long term, regarding being independant now.. yeah could be great and maybe you could make it lead elsewhere after.

Proud of you!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks for the great update, Chopsy! I'm inspired by your resilience and taking action to help you move forward to a better place. Kepp up the great work! Have fun with your long weekend!

Cheers,- A12


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Glad to hear that others let things slide when depression kicks in. Sometimes its hard to kick your own self in the azz when you're so busy wishing you were kicking someone else in the azz! I'm inspired 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Depression = fear.

Fear = the mind killer.

I so should sprout some tits and become a Bene gesserit.

Sorry, been drinking but yeah. fear screws with all of us. 

Its not fear but how we fight past it that defines us.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Depression = fear.
> 
> Fear = the mind killer.
> 
> ...



No idea what a ‘Bene gesserit’ is (and maybe its better I don’t know!), but your last line is brilliant. It is actually a good description of heroes.

Chopsy, good to hear from you. Things are really looking up! I’m so glad for you.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sorry its from Dune (books and movie).

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Seems familiar to what we tend to do round here ya know.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Sorry its from Dune (books and movie).
> 
> I must not fear.
> Fear is the mind-killer.
> ...


Thanks. I just paraphrased the last line in your last post in another thread. Its well-phrased.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Its not fear but how we fight past it that defines us.


Love this! So true


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Oh and yeah, i totally get to take full credit for the last line, that one was all mine.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, you are indeed sounding more upbeat. That's good. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, blah, blah, blah. 

I lived in the UK for five years, had a partner that was an archeology nut like you, I recall going with him to tour the recreation of a Saxon village in Suffolk, followed by way too much ale in a pub in Bury St Edmunds. 

Keep us posted on your progress!

bW


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Oh and yeah, i totally get to take full credit for the last line, that one was all mine.


That was my favorite part.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BW, was that West Stow? I'd love to go there, was looking at pics of it a few days ago. You probably don't remember it week considering all the beer you had! Bury St Edmunds, by the way, is where St Edmund is supposedly buried. Duh, I know, obvious. No one know where he is tho, so there is another archaeology project, now that Richard has been found, we need to find Edmund! I have a bit of a fixation on ole Edmund. 

I shouldn't really be on my own so much. The crazies won't leave me alone.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, yes, I know only too well about the crazies alone, demons trying to beat you down. Steal your soul. 

Yes, I think it WAS in Stowe, very interesting place, all these ancient burial grounds and re-enactments of a Saxon village from that time. And then I got to tour the beer plant for Abbott Ale there in Bury St Edmunds and they said St Edmund fell into a beer vat and has been flavoring the beer ever since. 

Good times! And we met these two girls in the pub and we went back to their flat in Ipswich and we watched Coronation Street and then we went our to a Chippy and that's all I remember.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> And then I got to tour the beer plant for Abbott Ale there in Bury St Edmunds and they said St Edmund fell into a beer vat and has been flavoring the beer ever since.


So that's where he is! 

[/QUOTE] Good times! And we met these two girls in the pub and we went back to their flat in Ipswich and we watched Coronation Street and then we went our to a Chippy and that's all I remember.[/QUOTE]

Well I am please they showed you a good time! Love that they took you back to the flat to watch Corrie! Sounds like a good night-pub, Corrie, and chips. :smthumbup:

When were you over here? Wish I knew you then, I know THE best place for fish and chips!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I was there 2002-2007. Seems like its getting hard to find a real chippy anymore, newspaper dripping grease onto your trousers. 

That evening ended badly. Turned out they were both married, husbands away at sea, it made me sad to think of it, so we left. My mate was angry, he said, I don't care if she's married, that's her issue. As we were leaving, I heard one of the women say, "Mary, those Yanks were good-looking but not very bright!".


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I went the chippy for dinner last night. We still have them all over the place here.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I'm jealous, KC.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m going to be in England this summer and that’s one thing I’m looking forward to. Last time I was there, we had plaice.....so good.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, how exciting! Where are you going and for how long? Would be lovely to meet up if possible


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Frosty, how exciting! Where are you going and for how long? Would be lovely to meet up if possible


I’m accompanying my Mum as she wants to go but my Dad doesn’t. We will be in Eastbourne, where we are from. Lots of relatives I haven’t seen in years. 

I think you are somewhere near the Welsh border, right? It would be fun to meet up, but I don’t know how much I will be able to get around. Where exactly are you?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You checking out Hastings while there? Always fancied it but never got round to it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> You checking out Hastings while there? Always fancied it but never got round to it.


I would love to, but I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to get around. I am going to be there for my Mum. She and Dad are paying for my ticket, so I want to honor that. Also, I won’t be driving (perish the thought!). I definitely plan to get to Pevensey. Its right next door to Eastbourne and I fell in love with the castle and its surrounds when there forty (ouch!) years ago. Course the surrounds may have changed. But as long as there are still sheep grazing on the castle grounds, I’ll be happy!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Gosh sounds wonderful. Yes I am rather far, Worcestershire, not far from Wales. Sounds like your time will be engaged anyway. I hope Pevensey is exactly as you remember!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just googled Pevensey, looks fabulous!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, how you holding up? 

BW


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi BW I'm good. Been busy, am on a training course at the moment, and haven't had much to post anyway. Just caught up on yours- sooo glad the UK passport has been recovered! Was gutted about the early release. Sucks!  do look after yourself and miss penguin. I'm so glad you've had a little peace while your mrs was in the clink. Hope she doesn't kick off now. Anyway stay safe, both of you! 

Am doing a short course on health and social care. hopefully will lead to a job, with any luck. 

Not a lot of news here. H still with his the OW. Until he gets his head straight he can stay there. I know some people think I should divorce him but as I know he is in a mid life crisis, I am prepared to wait it out. For now. I am detached from him and his drama, just getting on with my life! Oh and getting a life, bit by bit! xox


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chops,

Stop with the abbreviations and call her by her full name.

_*"posOW"*_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Chops,
> 
> Stop with the abbreviations and call her by her full name.
> 
> _*"posOW"*_


lol I remember when I first joined TAM asking what that stood for. I think it was you who explained it to me, Conrad.

Chospy, sounds like you are doing really well. I’m so glad for you.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Indeed, Chopsy, you are sounding more upbeat, no wallowing, as Conrad puts it. I do hope the course you're taking leads to a job. I can't think of a more positive step. 

I hear you about just waiting for now. Early on in my TAM experience I read somewhere that sometimes the best action was simply inaction.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks for the reminder Conrad! Yes indeed definitely pos! if you ony knew the freaky dreams I have about her! Once in a dream I put glue in her shampoo. Wish I could do that in RL! 

Thanks Frosty and BW for your thoughts. Love and hugs to you both! 

Talked to my H last night about finances and the debts. I wanted to be cool, calm and confident, but instead I was overly emotional. He took it all in, didn't argue anything I said. Said I had every right to say what I felt. He said we need to talk face to face, tho I know his guilt holds him back. He said he still has feelings for me and can't turn them off. I'm not taking anything from that, nice as it was to hear, as I know words are just words, and action is what matters in this game. 

I've done a lot of reading on MLC and without a doubt, that's what's going on here. He had just about the worst childhood you can imagine, and he's never dealt with that, and always repressed his feelings. Big time MLC. I feel a lot of compassion and care for him still, I know he's not happy and in full blown MLC. 

I feel fine about our conversation now, but back to NC for me. Back in the oven he goes till his MLC is done.  back to getting a life for me, definitely a work in progress. Not much planned for the weekend, a bit of shopping as is my SIL's birthday on monday. Going bowling and then to Nando's (Portuguese chicken restaurant). My blessed neighbour is cutting my lawn for me as my crapola mower isn't up to the job. Might make him a cake later. 

So just the usual, laundry, cleaning, doggy walk, chillaxing. Might go it for breakfast tomorrow with a meetup group.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Wow, Chopsy, just as I suspected, you have graduated from Wallowing World. good for you.

Hey, if you're baking cakes, send one over here, will you? Not picky as to variety.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> Thanks for the reminder Conrad! Yes indeed definitely pos! if you ony knew the freaky dreams I have about her! Once in a dream I put glue in her shampoo. Wish I could do that in RL!


Motor oil is more effective


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

:rofl: I'll remember that!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Been reading an article about what men really want and have just had an almighty wake up call. I was shocked when he left me and Hooke up with the posOW, and clearly that is of his own doing and I take no responsibility or blame for that. But I realise now I am far from blameless. In the last year, maybe two, I began to let myself go, wore sweats and fleeces, rarely wore makeup or did my hair nicely. I stopped being attractive. I stopped cooking meals. I know I have been depressed for some time,and some of this will be related to the depression. I stopped being interesting. I nagged a lot. I mothered a lot. I complained too much. I stopped socialising and withdrew from people. I remember he would try to get me to go out or do something while he was away on work trips and I just never did anything.

I know I was deprssed, but I still feel devastated how much I let my marriage and my husband down. No wonder he didn't take long finding someone new. Even the skank is probably a better partner than I was. I thought I was a good wife, but now realise how much I let us down. Very sad right now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chops,

You think it's time for an apology?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I feel like maybe it is. I think you might swing a 2x4 tho.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just read a couple threads and I am back to reality. No 2x4 necessary. I'm tired, I got a bit weepy. Ok I fluffed things up for awhile. But I was depressed. Couldn't see it at the time, but I can now. 

Even started writing an email to H, but binned it. Glad I wrote it, got it out of my system. 

Back to NC, back to me working on me! And I'm bloody tired, up way too late (probably why I got all sob story there for a bit), so off to bed. Thank you Conrad for questioning what I was about to do. 

Newbies, take heed and never send emails in the middle of the night or if you in your jams. Best rule I ever took on board. I dont care if youre eobbinb your eyes out, just dont do it. Write your email and save. Read the next day and you'll realise you just dodged a bullet. Has saved me a lot of morning after regrets.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Glad you’re back, Chopsy. I was gearing up to drop a load of lumber on you myself.

No matter what you were going through, it does not okay your H leaving you for another woman. That is not on you. It is on him. 

Besides encouraging you to go out when he wasn’t around, what did he do to help you?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Chopsy- your story is so interesting and in some ways you're stronger than I am. I've done the drunken phone calls to X a couple of times, but have now gone NC for nearly a week and feel so much better. Sadly I've been left with no option but to move house with my 2 dogs, but this I now see as a new opportunity for the future. When my H left me for OM, I was broken, but now my life is changing and he is being left firmly behind!!

Keep strong!


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Chopsy, I still follow your thread altho don't have much to add, you're further along in this game than I am. So glad you caught yourself before the apology email, conrad has a way of doing that eh? 

What makes you believe he is in a mid life crisis?

You sound a lot like me where you think your part of the marriage breakdown, which is a really good thing to acknowledge, is also why he choose posow. Its taken me a very long time to realize that its not, posow was their choice. But I still find it hard to "put the blame" where it belongs because of my own inactions in my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, as I remember he was working all the time, as usual. I also now believe he was depressed too. He did talk to him about stuff, but I don't think he saw the depression as he was so busy and involved in his own crisis, which began around then. I do know that the CHOICE to go to theOW was all his own. There are always options. He chose not to take them.

Hey Phil, thanks for posting! Sounds like you're doing fine, carry on with the NC,it's the way to sanity! Well done on seeing this as an opportunity to change your life. 

FF,thanks for checking in. Last night I just realised how much my actions were affecting the marriage, depression or not. I don't blame myself. I had a weak moment last night, and first thought this morning was THANK GOD (and Conrad!!) that I didn't send that email. It's funny how I can be a weaker person when I'm tired, and back to strong me in the daytime.which is why I have learned (the hard way, natch) that no contact at all after 7pm. 

Why I know he is in MLC? He cycles emotionally,the few times I've talked with him. He has had massive family issues- alchoholic and emotionally abusive mother (his mother did anything for attention, several times saying she had cancer for example), all his mum's toxic boyfriends, as his mum was on benefits, she always drank the food and rent and heat/electric money, so by the end of the weak, often no food. He stole food occasionally. His sister was raped by one of the bfs. He rarely went to school. (went back as an adult to get his A levels), him and sister ended up in a care home for a year at one point. Etc.however that doesn't make it MLC. He's never been able to open up emotionally and represses everything. His sister does the same. He has social anxiety, low confidence, and relied on his work for his self esteem. In 2012 his business went belly up. He had a breakdown. He couldn't talk to me as he once said, because he felt he had let me down so much and I deserved better. He drank himself drunk every day for months. He withdrew, was drinking all the time, met this girl in a bar who offered some no questions, no responsibilities etc. she's a drinker too. 

I question myself too that I'm not just saying its MLC for cheap comfort for myself. I guess I know because everything he says is MLC script. He doesn't know who he is anymore, he feels like he's lost his identity- he's been saying these things for months before d day.

I know he isn't right in the head. The posOW is just a symptom of all this. She'd toxic and I wish he would dump her, even if just to live on his own, which he has never done. This isn't who he is. But I can see he needs to go through the dark tunnel to face up to himself and his many demons. In the mean time I get on with my life. I heal and become the person I want to be, in time, he may come out of the tunnel, but I may or may not be there. I don't know. I'd like to think so but I might decide otherwise at some point. I now have an opportunity to remake my life and although I'd never recommend this route as a way to self healing,it has awoken me to the unhappiness in myself and given me the chance to find out who I really am.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chops,

In the end, they end up doing us all a huge favor.

Waking up is painful, but helpful.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Too true. I needed a big wake up call and I got it! It's what you make of it tho.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> Too true. I needed a big wake up call and I got it! It's what you make of it tho.


My ex-wife clings to the victim chair to this day.

She even filed suit to re-litigate the divorce.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I used to sit in the victim chair but it's not a happy place to be. Wonder what benefit she sees herself getting from it. there's always a benefit of some kind, whether perceived or real. 

Why has she filed suit??? Isn't time to drop it already and move on! Victim mindset. What on earth is she filing for? Hope you have a good lawyer to sort this out.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Damn, Miss Chopsy, your H sounds like some of my old mates, living in a dreamworld, drinking themselves to near death. 

I've said it before, you sound a million times better than just a month or two ago.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks BW. Yes H is also a workaholic, but still drinking= how to distract yourself from your feelings and reality. 

I am getting better, day by day. I surprise myself and I am definitely proud of myself. I am in week 2 of this course, and I am learning a lot. Had an interview Monday, been invited to a training day. Anticipating more interviews. I am good in interviews, tho my cv is crap.if I get a chance to talk, I usually have a good chance. 

Just set up an event on Facebook. I planned it months ago but didn't follow up or set a date. My SIL suggested my birthday weekend so that's when it's on. June 28-30. My birthdays the Monday. I have a field near the house plus large garden so people can camp if they want.hopefully the weather will be decent. I kept putting it off hoping for a decent long range weather report, but decided to just go for it. 
It's and 80s themed party. Cannot wait now.

Have also just made an inquiry and after months of wanting to do this, I am joining a belly dance class. It was that or burlesque,maybe the burlesque another time. 

I'm feeling confident and happy. Making plans and setting goals. I am beyond the 180 now. I rarely ever think of the so-called husband. Our anniversary May27. Maybe we will make it lucky13! LOL at one point I was stressed about what to do, should I call or send a card, all while feeling miserable and sad. Now I'm planning what to do that day- will likely be in London, a Canadian friend of mine is passing through and we want to hit a couple pubs. I'm just done being sad,trying to be nice, living my life in grey. It's funny, the more confident I get, the more I think do I really want my H back if he ever gets his head on straight? I know my value and worth. I know I can get any guy I want. Do I want someone still so messed up he thinks banging some skank is a good thing? That situation is going to blow up soon I reckon. One upon a time I'd make sure to have front row seats to see that, but you know, I'll probably be busy getting on with my life instead. Can't be bothered about his little dramas anymore.

Got stuff booked up every weekend for much of the summer. For so long i sat on the sofa every weekend, now i cant get enough of doing stuff and meeting new prople. Really happy. 

My SIL's birthday this past weekend so we went out for a girly night on Saturday and bowling/dinner out with her and the boys. It's funny how I can see more clearly now- my SIL doesn't have high self worth, she's never told me but u can so easily tell now. She's with a guy who thinks he's won the jackpot, because he has. Hell never gt someone like her again, but she deserves so much more IMO. Have told her before but she doesn't believe it. 

Been reading Happy Katy's thread - there's a confident woman. I am taking notes.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

CD news. My SIL has a former douche bag posting on her Facebook and I told her she should just block the wanker - she found out he wanted her to be his bit on the side!!! I am sooooo tempted to message him and tell him a few choice words. But I guess that would be CD and she should fight her own battles. Right??


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You can give advice as a friend. You can't take the action for them.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I'm feeling confident and happy. Making plans and setting goals. I am beyond the 180 now. I rarely ever think of the so-called husband. Our anniversary May27. Maybe we will make it lucky13! LOL at one point I was stressed about what to do, should I call or send a card, all while feeling miserable and sad. Now I'm planning what to do that day- will likely be in London, a Canadian friend of mine is passing through and we want to hit a couple pubs. I'm just done being sad,trying to be nice, living my life in grey. It's funny, the more confident I get, the more I think do I really want my H back if he ever gets his head on straight? I know my value and worth. I know I can get any guy I want. Do I want someone still so messed up he thinks banging some skank is a good thing? That situation is going to blow up soon I reckon. One upon a time I'd make sure to have front row seats to see that, but you know, I'll probably be busy getting on with my life instead. Can't be bothered about his little dramas anymore.


Hi Chopsy - 

What a great post - so much good stuff, you are doing amazing.

Given your shift in perspective are you planning on filing for D yourself, and having him served papers? Or is this already in process between you and STBXH? Pardon my fuzzy recollection.

Keep up the great work and attitude -- go girl!

Cheers,- A12


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy - 

I too am delighted with your progress. And I have to tell you, "banging some skank" is my favorite line today, at least so far.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> CD news. My SIL has a former douche bag posting on her Facebook and I told her she should just block the wanker - she found out he wanted her to be his bit on the side!!! I am sooooo tempted to message him and tell him a few choice words. But I guess that would be CD and she should fight her own battles. Right??


Right.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Update. Finished the course, now have exams on Monday. No worries, I'm good with exams, and I know what to expect. 

Me and SIL and another friend did our charity walk yesterday, 11 brutal miles through the Malvern hills. My SIL said they should be called mountains. Gorgeous day, beautiful views and we had a good laugh. Dropped SIL at train station then into a hot hot bath over an hour. Am feeling pretty good today, also went out with the dig earlier. Tookmy lad on the walk yesterday. He's getting on and I was a little concerned if he'd be ok. He was a mega star, probably did twice the distance we did. Loved it. And since rejoins my second dog, he is much easier socially, meeting loads of dogs and a bit of a run around. Just cheered me up so much as I've done loads of training to increase his social skills- no socialised as a puppy. Really keen to carry on with his training now and do more doggy social type walks. He even got a certificate at the end, bless his heart. 

Taking it easy today. Tomorrow is rather busy. First aid training in the morning, exams in the afternoon, my nephew is popping by to take the dog out for me as I have to get myself sorted for a ballet that night, have to drive some distance to get there, meeting with five friends, should be a great night. 

Thursday I'm going to a play (free tickets!) with some meetup friends. And camping on the weekend!! So have to get my camping kit out this week, make sure everything is in order. Really looking forward to it, hope the weather will be fine. 

Had a disturbance here the other night, a guy who cut my lawn last year knocked on the door. Said he wanted his money from last year. I said H had paid it and he sad no. He actually threatened to send around someone. I said I'd call H and sort this out. 

I was a blubbing mess, could hardly breathe. Called H, he said he thought he had paid but he was so confused back then and he obviously didn't. He called the guy and paid right away. I was grateful but he never apologised for putting me in this place. I was a bit hysterical on the phone. He later called to check how I was, confirmed it was all paid. We had a bit if a conversation. He is a mess, he sounded very unhappy and said he might be moving, sounds likes he and skank aren't living the dream. I said nothing. 

To be honest, these conversations don't help me, he sounds so unlike himself, he actually sounds like he is just a shell. They don't help me because I am not detached enough yet. 

I just want to be happy now and have lots of great experiences. Done with sitting on the sofa.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and I know now not to answer my door unless I check who it is. I. Live in a very rural area and it's usually my neighbour knocking. Also I need to stay in control enough so I can tell him or anyone else to get the eff off my property or I'm calling the cops.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Good on you, Chopsy. The guy at the door could have been a nutter. 

All the signs are here, my dear. H will come crawling back, only a matter of time. You'll need to decide if you'd even entertain the idea. 

PS. Too many damned dogs in your country.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Rant warning!!! 

Grrr going camping with meetup mates this weekend and wanted to check my tent plus take the dog out for an overnight camp as he's not been outin ages. Cannot. Effin. Get. My. Tent. Up!!! Bit wound up. It needs two people tbh. I have tried over an hour, cannot do it. Wound up. Just saw a tent called the instant tent, wish I could get that instead. Now not sure if I'm going camping, my first time outin years as h refused to go with me. Last time this tent was used was my archaeology dig and he helped me get it up. Frustrated. 

Sorry might seem like a silly rant but I really really wanted to go camping.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, I ust be missing something in your rant - can't you just bring the damnable tent with you to the campsite and then get one of your new mates to help you set it up? 

Or do what I do when I go camping, get drunk and then sleep in the car.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BW, cannot ever imagine my H coming back tbh. He may think of it but his guilt and shame is massive. I do think he is a long way from taking any action. As we all know, words are just words. I'm looking for real consistent actions. None so far to report. 

Sometime I think what would I do if he wanted back. Sometimes I am no way, other times I think maybe but would have to meet a lot of conditions before he steps foot in my house. I'm sure he regrets what he did, he is messed up and unhappy. Depressed I think too. Guess he needs to sort that like I did. Not easy but worth it in the end. I mentioned him seeing a counsellor and he doesn't seem keen. Someone like him, as messed as he is, with all his family history, needs all the help he can get. But thats not my call.

I must admit the more confident I get, the more I know my value, and the more I wonder why I wold go back t someone who treated me like he did. He would have to do something seriously impressive to get me to consider anything. 

Rant over. Realised I hadn't eaten so had pancakes and sausages with maple syrup . Yum! Doggy got some too as I could t eat it all. Been looking online at tents and videos of how to put them up. Ok mine isn't the easiest, but I think I can do it. One pole is broken I think, going to go out and duct tape it I think. I know I won't have a problem on my weekend camping trip as will be friends to lend a hand but I would like to go camping on my own too, me and the lad. And I like being independent too!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

LOL BW. You are so adorable. Love the get drunk, sleep in car idea, saves in the whole tenting palaver! Face palm! Why didn't I think of it. 

I'm being a wee bit ridiculous I know. Just posted I realised I hadn't eaten anything all day (now 4pm) so yeah may have had something to do with it.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Low blood sugar, Chops. Indeed, time to sandwich up.

I hear you about H. Maybe never, only time will tell. But you really seem to be doing better than most on these sad threads....

Reference camping and all that, at least I usually made it into the car, sometimes I'd wake up and my mates were face down on the ground and I'd have to check them for a pulse, see if there was any cash in their pockets.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

:rofl:

Your camping trips sound way more interesting than mine! You're missing out tho - love sleeping in a tent! The few times my H had been camping had sorta been like your experiences too. Tent? Who needs it, gonnna be face down soon anyway! I was shocked when he told me, I was brought up with proper camping, winter or summer, proper kit and all that. I'm happy to go camping with friends but I am also keen to get out on my own. I've usually had my nephews or friends and as I have more kit than anyone, I end up cooking,helping people with air beds and tent catastrophes etc. it would be soooo nice to be chillaxing on my own, no one asking when is lunch! Tho maybe that's not such a bad thing, after today! 

My eating is still rubbish. I am just not hungry hardly ever. I wasn't even hungry an hour ago, but mood had dropped big time.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks for the compliment. I am trying to just be active and busy and trying new things. I know it's also a distraction technique to some extent and also that I'm not quite detached enough with H yet- recent phone conversations have shown me to be too emotional. If he wants to talk, I think it would be best as an email or text. I always make a fool of myself on the phone with him, which really annoys me!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

You're doing splendidly. Keep it up. I understand about getting emotional when you talk to The Old Man - with mine it was perpetual silence, which I hate most of all. She was much better at this Going Dark and 180 stuff than me. I wanted to engage, scream and shout.

Your camping venture sounds like a terrific idea, Chopsy. I hope it all comes to fruition.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks BW xox

Just been on Facebook and my SIL's bf has just posted pics from her birthday, and there are some nice ones of me. So pleased. I KNOW my h will be seeing those and thinking hmmm. LOL cos I look hot! 

Awhile ago someone on here told me to make an effort every day to dress nicely and look good. At the time I was walking - if I was walking, that is - in fleeces and baggy sweats. I wore ball caps to cover my hair- couldn't be bothered. Now it's a rare day I don't put in my contacts and wear makeup. I fuss with my hair. I know I look good. Which is such a boost to the self esteem. When you're as depressed as I was, it almost hurts to get out of pjs or sweats into something nice- even just jeans and a top with no stains down the front. But such good advice, which is why I'm posting it here. I should post more, I read a lot of threads but need to post more. Too busy! In the birthday pics, I'm wearing jeans and a navy and white stripy top which is a bit too big, but still ok, and a sparkly necklace I bought myself. Can't tell you how nice it is to see good pics of myself, another boost to my self esteem! Watch out ego!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just found out h and skank no longer an "item". He just posted on FB about buying washing powder and never done it before LOL almost typed good luck with that


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy 

I want the movie rights to YOUR story. 

BW


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, just checking in, you still going on that awful camping trip? 

Sleeping on the ground, burnt food over a fire, clothes that reek of wood smoke, waking up to those damn birds chirping, where's my gun?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Hi, Chopsy, just checking in, you still going on that awful camping trip?
> 
> Sleeping on the ground, burnt food over a fire, clothes that reek of wood smoke, waking up to those damn birds chirping, where's my gun?


Oh, Bullwinkle.....

Fresh air, S’Mores, glowing campfire embers dancing up into the night sky, the songs of the forest......what more could be more soul-satisfying?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

camping trip in a bit of jeopardy at the moment, as one of my tent poles has split and cracked, will check it tomorrow and hope I can repair or replace asap. BW I'll have to take you camping one day! Unfortunately there are few campsites that allow fires anymore, not the one we're going to which is a bit of a disappointment. Imagine we'll be in the pub most of the evenings anyway!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Sounds good!

Hope you still manage to go, kid. Most evenings in the pub, now that sounds better. I pictured you and your mates huddled against the chill singing Kumbaya. 

Seven or eight gin and tonics, just what the doctor ordered.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'll be flat on my face with seven or eight g&ts! LOL as long as i can crawl back to the tent all will be well. ish. 

haven't slept all night- boo! nothing on my mind, just one of those things. interview today this afternoon. not sure if its my cup of tea, but will find out. oh and I have to get to the library as I have just realised I have two books out, two weeks overdue!! oops!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

How did the interview go, Chopsy?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Yes, Chopsy, let us know what happened.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Frosty, I suspect she's still off on her dreadful camping trip, communing with nature.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Just found out h and skank no longer an "item". He just posted on FB about buying washing powder and never done it before LOL almost typed good luck with that


Hi Chospy - 

How are you doing? Hope you were able to go on your camping trip, and have a good time.

Question: Why have you not yet "unfriended" your WH on Facebook? I know it may sound juvenille, but it took me the longest time to cut that cord -- I did not want to let go of that last little trivial window into each others' lives, despite that we had been separated for a year. Only when he finally moved forward with the D (being finialized Tuesday) after many flip-flops, did I "unfriend" him, and have felt way better ever since. Should have done it a long time ago!

Just for consideration, you may want to cut ties with him on Facebook -- you'd be amazed, it is very freeing!

Hope you are well. Kind Regards,- A12


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Totally agree with A12. Unfriend, block. Buhbye loser. Do it!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi all, back from my epic camping trip in mid Wales! dog was a total star, meeting and greeting new people and doggies, swimming in the Wye every day, long walks, chilling in pubs, sleeping in tents, even going over a wobbly narrow suspension bridge- tho he didn't much care for that! 

I also had a great time, daily long walk, pubs in the evening, breakfast together every morning. weather was fab, amazing scenery, really nice people including one lovely guy who is newly divorced (wife cheated), and is doing what I'm doing, getting a life, getting out and meeting new peeps. nice to have some male attention despite me looking rough as hell, wearing a ballcap to cover the hideous hair! LOL we're both signed up for the dragon boat racing later this summer. 

oh and after my last conversation with H, noticed he is on the meetup website now, has joined two groups. suspect he's not so happy that I'm out there now getting a life! 

jut had some wanker come pound my door, no idea who it is, he knocked front and back for quarter of an hour. tough sh1t buddy, I am not answering! after last week with the gardener guy threatening me, I am taking my personal safety more seriously and seeing as I live alone in the country, this includes not opening doors unless I know who it is! do I give a f*ck, sorry douche bag, no way.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and as for FB, I did block him for some time, then unblocked to send a message when my phone credit was low. He has asked if he could be my friend so I said yes. I do have boundaries and if he goes over those, then I will block no problem. He is single now, the skank is definitely gone.if he gets another skank or goes back, then i will block/unfriend ASAP. I do not need that sh1t in my face.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

LOL just realised its our anniversary, lucky 13! No I did not send or say happy anniversary!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

All I can say is, wow, Chopsy. 

And maybe it's just me but douche bag have to be my favorite two words in the English language.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like you had a fantastic time! I’m really glad. You deserved it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frosty, yes it was fun. Looking forward and planning more fun outings.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, where are you, you've gone missing. Don't tell us you've gone and gotten a life.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi BW I'm here. I did disappear for a bit. Been feeling really down again, meds have been increased, just waiting for the side effects to ease off. Haven't done anything this week. Not. A. Thing. Had a spa weekend last weekend, lovely, good fun. I don't know why but after a positive event/outing, I often slp back into a depressive mood. Yoga tonight and I've promised my SIL a lift so I have to go. 

I slipped away from TAM because it's so embarrassing to fall back down again. Tbh I'm a total mess. I go out and do things now and then but the rest of me is a disaster. Oh well, nothing new. I'm just so tired of it all. I've missed appts too but I'm not getting anything out of that so no bother to me. Hope these new meds kick in soon. Just been one week now. 

BW, thanks for checking in with me, I really appreciate it. xo


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, didn’t ever stay away because you’ve slipped back. Did you think the road would be straight? It twists and curves and winds back on itself. We are here for you wherever you are on your road.

Hug.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chops, Frosty is right, we're here for you, kid. And certainly never be embarassed with this motley crew - I fall down about five times a day and then everyone weighs in on my thread to tell me I'm idiot. Oh, well.

I hope the new meds kick in quick. Hang tough.

BW


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Hi BW I'm here. I did disappear for a bit. Been feeling really down again, meds have been increased, just waiting for the side effects to ease off. Haven't done anything this week. Not. A. Thing. Had a spa weekend last weekend, lovely, good fun. I don't know why but after a positive event/outing, I often slp back into a depressive mood. Yoga tonight and I've promised my SIL a lift so I have to go.
> 
> I slipped away from TAM because it's so embarrassing to fall back down again. Tbh I'm a total mess. I go out and do things now and then but the rest of me is a disaster. Oh well, nothing new. I'm just so tired of it all. I've missed appts too but I'm not getting anything out of that so no bother to me. Hope these new meds kick in soon. Just been one week now.
> 
> BW, thanks for checking in with me, I really appreciate it. xo


I totally get this....its almost as if I feel guilty after I go out and enjoy myself, like I should be staying home, crying, pining away for him. I'm scared of the lumber on here, lol but it helps! 

Ups days and down days, they happen, just have to learn how to deal with both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I think ff has hit the nail on the head. Guilt.

Realise and accept you deserve to be happy. Embrace the freedom you have.

Remember Chopsy, meds aren't a cure. They are a tool for you to use but you still have to put the work in yourself.

Chin up, you'll get there!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Life is ups and downs, Chopsy. You just have to ride out the downs. Use the strategies you have learned to help you through them. Go for long walks with your dogs. Met up with friends. Repeat your affirmations a hundred times a day. Do things you enjoy doing. Be good to yourself. And talk to us. We’re here for you.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Hello Chopsy. Thanks for posting this thread. I am in a similar situation to you. My husband has an alcohol problem and we separated when I found he was having an affair with a work colleague.
I am just over two months into our separation and I move constantly between feelings of anger, regret and sadness.
I just wanted you to know that your thread has helped me today.
We will get through this. I'm glad you have your dogs to comfort you. I have two cats and I honestly think I would rather have them than a drunken, selfish husband!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks For all the support! xox

Percy, I totally get what you mean about the drunken selfish husband! Oh I do not miss that at all! I am almost nine months into this and have learned so much about myself. Our relationship was definitely a bit broken for some time- his drinking, me codependent as hell, depressed. I'm not saying it can't be fixed but tbh I don't think it ever will be as my H is in some kind of lala land with the skank. I go days and days without thinking of him and when I do I think what a loser! He's with her and not me? I'm a catch! And the freedom from not ever having to be responsible for him- his overspending, his drinking (me always driving home sober). Im never ever going back to that again! 

I'm going to be long gone before he wakes up and realises he's lost the best thing in his life- me. he hasn't even been to see me in almost 9 months. He has talked on the phone, very briefly, maybe four times. Whatev, I don't have time for that sh1t anymore. 

So update: been bowling, night out playing pool, night out, still doing yoga, now belly dancing, back in the gym next week. Spa weekend with the girls. Meeting loads of new people. Met a lovely guy I'm getting to know better.  

I'm super motivated now to find a job. And to gt fit again. I'm excited about my life because I have freedom to make my own choices now and be the real me. I'm coming into my own and there is no stopping me now.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

This sounds really upbeat and positive, Chopsy. Good for you. 

If you ever miss driving a drunk home, come to Washington.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'd be happy to ferry you around the bars BW. Hope you're a nice drunk! LOL


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Bit bored, not much going on. Going to go check out a couple gyms tomorrow, need to find a no contract gym as I will likely be moving in October. Well I KNOW I will be moving. Shame I'm not closer to SIL as her and the younger nephew (16) are going to a gym now. Bit too far for regular gym visits tho. Although I am quite slim now, the smallest I've ever been as an adult, I am flabby and saggy everywhere. Got to get back to lifting weights again, ASAP. Might go see my old trainer for a workout plan, I have had a few bad experienced with in house gym PTs. Like the one that told me to lift a teeny weight like 20 times. Umm I want to build muscle? She said you won't get big that way. Wtf? I want big muscles! Hey I'm never going to be huge, I'm female and I'm only 5' tall. But it's bad when you know more about stuff than these so-called PTs. I hate their stupid program's and all the cardio they want you to do. FFS! Totally winds me up. See I'm having a rant now! So I know when I join a gym I'm going to have to waste an hour of my life doing some effin useless induction with someone who wants me to go on a treadmill for an hour and lift pink weights. 
Not.Goinh.To.Happen

Anyway... Rant over. I'm so bloody weak right now, really annoys me so time to do something about it. I checked out the local Crossfit but wow, that is hardcore! I'm nowhere ready for that! Kudos to A12!!!

Looked up p90x but I want to be in a gym. If its at home, I won't do it. Already have loads of fitness DVDs gathering dust. 

Saw H post on FB today about a film he saw on telly. Nobody commented. As usual. Wondr what life's like when no one gives a sh1t anymore because you're a cheating douche bag? Pretty quiet from the looks of things. I just have to laugh because I know I'm on the winning side. You might ask why he's on my FB! He asked, some time ago, to be "friends". I agreed as long as long as he doesn't get in my way. So far so good. I keep thinking of cutting him off but a part of me enjoys the fact that he gets to see me having a life, all the new peeps, pics of me looking fab! But one day I will get bored and just block. And if he ever oversteps then automatic block. What a douche canoe. 

Didn't go out this weekend. Could have gone out with a new friend on Friday but it was a huge group and I got intimidated, see, not quite über confident. Been massively bored. Well I will be checking out two gyms tomorrow, hope to get a workout in, doggy walk somewhere nice. 

Sorry this whole post has been waffle. I'm still in a good place tho.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

The YMCA here is contract free, have any there?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Douche canoe. I like that. I'm trying to actually picture what a douche canoe would look like in my mind's eye. 

Chopsy, I was bored shytless too and my return to my health club really helped a lot, replaces the times I would sit out on my patio drinking bourbon and feeling sorry for myself. Getting in better shape quickly and the social side of it is helping too

And yes, I'm a happy drunk, if you cart me around to the bars I'll buy you a grilled cheese sandwich.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> The YMCA here is contract free, have any there?


Hi thanks for the suggestion, unfortunately the only Y in town is for homeless only, ie no sports facilities. There is one, but it's almost an hour away...


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I think someone on here said douche canoe, or maybe I just made it up! LOL 

A grilled cheese sandwich, that's it? Might have to rethink this deal!  

Was going to check two gyms today but both close early on Sunday, and I just didn't get moving early enough. I'll do I'll do it tomorrow. Can't wait to get back into it tbh. Have already been doing a detox diet last two days. I'm doing better, meals planned, albeit they are mostly non cook or barely cook, ie ready cooked chicken, stir fry stuff, salads, fish etc. my track record over the past 8-9 months has been rubbish- from eating nothing to junk to living on crisps and coke. At one point I gave myself permission to eat what I want as I was really struggling to eat which is how I ended up eating rubbish. 

Anyway I now need to look after myself better which means semi-regular meals and proper food. 

I used to be a food nazi, would you believe it. Oh well back to square one. 

Miserable here, think we've had our summer


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Ah,the beautiful English summer! I fondly recall sitting outside in a beer garden at a pub in Suffolk, in the rain, wearing a winter coat in July. but better that than Washington, it's a malarial swamp here in the summer, a sweltering hell hole. 

Best of luck finding a gym that suits your needs, Chops. And who says crisps and coke are bad for you.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

found out today my husband and his skank are having a baby. I've been sobbing all day. Please don't tell me you told me so. It hurts even more because I really wanted a baby but wasn't able to. And now he has gone and done it with that *****. I'm beyond devastated. I feel like such a loser. I called him back after the shock had worn off, why did he leave me, why did he have to dump me, why did he abandon me for her. I know, I know. I'm just hurting now. I know our marriage was over but I had kept the door open. Now he has truly ****ed himself up. I wish I wasn't so alone, I could really do with a hug now.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I don't know what to say. I remember it being such a big fear for you.

It really is no reflection on you though. Not ever. Please don't think like that.

((hugs))


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m so sorry, Chopsy. It must hurt so much. If I were there, I would give you the biggest hug. This isn’t nearly the same, but it will have to do.

*HUG*


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi guys, thanks for the messages! I am ok. Yesterday I cried my eyes out, today I am RAWR!! 

H texted me not to call his ho a skank. OMG! I texted back in short four letter words so the ****tard could understand. Don't ever tell me what I can or cannot say! of course she is a skank. She sleeps with married men because she is a loser and can't find anyone decent who wants her. I feel sorry for the baby with that lying cheating twat for a father and a lowlife scum skank ho wankstain for a mother. told him shes' going to have to stop drinking- LOL BIG ASK. 

Have told all my friends and family. Tbh I am ready to destroy him. I am ready to clean him out in the divorce court. Unfortunately all my money is going to keeping me and the animals fed. I'll be moving in sept, when I am settled and working, yeah I am going to rip into him. bet the courts will look well on what he has done.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Kick some ass, Chops.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Omigod, Chopsy, this has to be the best TAM posting of all time. 

A woman scorned.....

As Mr. T used to say, I pity the fool.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Aaand I'm back to normal now, well normal-ish! Don't want to be defined by **** crap or put any more energy into it. So, as always, back to me . I've joined a gym today.it's really cheap and My SIL and nephew go there and I wanted to join in with them now and the . Fairy average to cral weights section as expected. Have also been to a bodybuilding gym and thinking of joining that one for a few months. You can pay month to month, no contract, it's got everything! I was turned on to it by the personal trainer at a nearby leisure centre which hardly had any weights and he told me goes to this other place. 

As I am moving in three months, I can't commit to a contract now, or rather I don't want to because I know how freaking hard it is to get out of gym contracts. Excited to be working out again. Probably going to develop my own program. Squats, deadlifts, press ups, rows, bench press for starts. Omg it's going to hurt so much! Will probably do warmup sets for the first week to get back into it. I can't wait to be strong again! 

Yoga tonight, omg it was brutal. I thought yoga was nice and relaxing. Yeah it's relaxing at the end when you lie there unable to move! 
This class is ending July 20 but fortunately she is starting an intermediate class for us diehards in sept. 

SIL and I on our own tonight, no kids or bf. chatted about h, SIL feels so let down by him, says he reminds her of their mother who was an irresponsible, needy, attention seeking alchoholic who always left her to pick up all the pieces after she ran away from something. Just like h. Now there's a baby coming and who knows what will happen. I was saying he is missing everything, he has no contact with family or friends. The boys are 16 and 18 and will be moving out soon into their own lives. My animals are all over 10 years- he used to love them so much - but they won't be around forever. She told the boys about the baby. They were surprised but not shocked. They now feel so distant from him it's like he is a stranger. I feel that way too. 

We also talked men. Shes with a guy now who is nice and helpful and kind and great sex too, but he is only interested in what he knows. So if she mentions something or me and her talk, he just doesnt engage or ask a question or look interested, he just blanks out. My SIL is very educated woman and is a teacher. Her bf is a factory worker. Really nice and he is very devoted to her but she knows she is going to have to let him go. He is going to take it bad. We both know that. Theyve been together three months. Sorry, just writing what I'm thinking about. Talked abut how sh1t men are, TAM men excepted!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy

Glad to hear your doing better. Here's my question:

If SIL is getting great sex from the factory worker guy, why is she dumping him? Keep him around for the poke abouts in the evening she can hook up with sme professor who wants to discuss Chaucer and ****ens. 

BW


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy

Glad to hear your doing better. Here's my question:

If SIL is getting great sex from the factory worker guy, why is she dumping him? Keep him around for the poke abouts in the evening, then she can hook up with some professor who wants to discuss Chaucer and ****ens over tea in the afternoon. 

BW


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I get the intellectual level thing. It's not about professions but being able to talk about things and interact with people. I can just picture him sat there doing Homer Simpson lalala in his head while people talk around him.

Sounds kinda uncomfortable to be around?

As to you Chopsy, good going. Just be a weeble. It's ok to wobble, just don't fall down!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Every time I mention him or ask how he is she just gives me this look, sad I guess. She's had terrible luck with men. I don't think she values herself enough. She deserves so much more. She undersells herself. She quite confident but not with men. 

NM you get it. My h wasn't intellectual but at least he engaged and asked questions. 

I'm fine. Off to get my hair restyled shortly, very excited! Then shopping, just went through my small wardrobe and almost everything is too big. Tired of baggy jeans I have to hoik up all the time! Lots of sales on, hope I can get a few things. 

The strongman comp my former pt was organising has been rescheduled so decided to go shopping instead. Dragon boating tomorrow, well up for it! Rain expected, so much for summer!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Chopsy
> 
> Glad to hear your doing better. Here's my question:
> 
> ...


Yeah that sounds healthy! LOL 

Haha just noticed it didn't let you spell d1ckens!!! LOL


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> I get the intellectual level thing. It's not about professions but being able to talk about things and interact with people. I can just picture him sat there doing Homer Simpson lalala in his head while people talk around him.
> 
> Sounds kinda uncomfortable to be around?
> 
> As to you Chopsy, good going. Just be a weeble. It's ok to wobble, just don't fall down!


Love the Homer analogy, that's it exactly! 

I do have my wobbles but definitely won't fall down!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Good on you, Chops. Hope it was a great Saturday.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

_As to you Chopsy, good going. Just be a weeble. It's ok to wobble, just don't fall down! 
_

Great philosophy, Monk! Love how your mind works.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi all, I'm doing great. I know I wobbled a few days ago but I never fell down! Had a great weekend! Had my hair cut and restyled on Saturday, I totally love it! Sent shopping after but couldn't stick the crowds- it was sooooo crowded. Bought myself a cute ring, that's it! So still wearing baggy ass jeans!  

Today I was supposed to go dragon boating but I missed it as I had to take my cat to the vet-he's fine, just needed an antiobiotic as he has a skin infection. Went to the boathouse, saw them on the river, it was awesome! I can't wait to try it! They train a few times a week so think I will have a go soon. As I was walking up, my friend M who I really fancy, came out to see me and told me off for not being there and then gave me a big hug. We've gotten to know each other pretty well and I do fancy him, but just friends at the moment. He is going through a divorce now. He knows all about my stuff and we talked openly about everything, such a nice change after my H who rarely opened up about anything. He is sooo lovely! We went to a pub after, which was really nice and I met a few new people too. It's ony been 4 months for M since his wife left, and now the divorce has just started and his wife is being a prick already. I keep thinking about when to divorce - now or when I'm more settled. I have a lot on my plate at the moment, so later makes more sense but I am itching to get it started. I can't wait to be free. I know I still have more healing to sort until I am really free, tho I am keen to have a relationship. M is the loveliest guy, we do talk a lot and it's nice to be able to be open about the crap. I do like him but I need to be truly healed I think. As does he. Although its only been 4 months for him, I think he is more sorted in that way than I am. I can't help but be attracted to him, he is gorgeous. Sighhhh 

Oh and I had a tarot reading on Friday night, and it was awesome! She immediately picked up I had been through a devastating breakup. And that I was healing but still had more to sort within myself. Tbh I do feel more healed now and think yeah I'm done, but I think this reading flagged up I have more issues to deal with. 

She said I had a lot of positive things coming my way. Opportunities for work which will come out of the blue, meeting someone and falling in love when I am completely healed, and that it will change my life. 

I invited M to my party but he has a stag do but a couple other people have now messaged me that they are coming. Have to sort the garden, it's a disaster! Going to see if I can borrow my neighbours lawn mower, it's much better than mine. Also house has to be tidied, I've been a bit slack on house cleaning lately.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

What the hell is dragon boating? 

BW


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> What the hell is dragon boating?
> 
> BW


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_boat

http://dragonboatswindon.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/0804161600391z57_dragon_boat.jpg


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks, Fosty. Didn't know it existed, at least on the amateur level. 

Chopsy, sounds like a lot of fun, get liquored up and then ram the other boats, watch them spill out.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I used to do drunken self made rafting in Chester on the Dee. 30 or so poorly made deathtraps, most of which controlled by other inebriated fools.. Hilarious shyt.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Now that sounds like a good Saturday afternoon's outing, NM. Don't even have to worry about pissing yourself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> I used to do drunken self made rafting in Chester on the Dee. 30 or so poorly made deathtraps, most of which controlled by other inebriated fools.. Hilarious shyt.


Can't believe you're still here to tell the tale!!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, I was thinking the same thing, all these drunken azzholes falling into the river, floundering around. But still sound like great fun.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Boys will be boys!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I sometimes wonder what happened to the whackjob I used to be. Then I remember and have a chuckle. 

Tbh, I used to live dangerously for two reasons. To feel anything at all and because back then I wasn't in the least bit worried or even reluctant to die.

I was past being suicidal but was left with no attachment to life. I may well have used stbx as an anchor to avoid self destruct but I became a stranger to myself in doing so.

Hmm weird how one throw away comment like that rafting one can get you reflecting anew.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Ohh, i'm the king of the swingers..*

.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Ohh, i'm the king of the swingers..*

.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Ohh, i'm the king of the swingers..*

.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Ohh, i'm the king of the swingers..*

Tapatalk is posting my comments to random threads! Oops.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Ohh, i'm the king of the swingers..*

.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

LOL what is tapatalk? Doesn't seem to be working too well!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Northern Monkey said:


> I sometimes wonder what happened to the whackjob I used to be. Then I remember and have a chuckle.
> 
> Tbh, I used to live dangerously for two reasons. To feel anything at all and because back then I wasn't in the least bit worried or even reluctant to die.
> 
> ...



So glad you didn't self destruct  xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Not long till my 80s party this weekend! Well up for it! I planned this months ago when I had nothing to look forward to. (its not a bad idea if youre as down as i wss to plan something to look forward to) And all those months ago when I was so depressed and a mess- here I am now, still healing but gaining confidence and self-belief, positive and happy, and so happy about the party, my chance to celebrate how far I've come. 

Also have realised that I'm definitely not ready to be in a relationship. I do fancy someone but I need to completely healed and whole. Getting there


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Good for you, Chops.

I wanna hear some Bananarama and Tears for Fears and some Frankie Goes to Hollywood.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah me too BW, not sure if it's going to happen now. So effin pissed off!! First of all loads of people couldn't come, fair enough. Then the rest don't bother replying, despite me pretty much begging! So my ex brother in law and good guy but seriously most boring person in the world will be there. One friend/acquaintance I don't know well. And my SIL and nephews. Now my SIL just rang and said she might not be able to come because of her bf's mum's birthday party. She'll probably have loads of people at hers and I'll have no one. Ffs it's my birthday too, and after all the crap I've been through, I just wanted to have a party to celebrate the new me. But looks like I'm billy no mates now. You sure find out who your friends are in this.  

I know stuff happens in life and and people are busy etc but I am feeling so crap about it now. Might as well cancel it and go sulk in a pub having a pity party for one.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear that. Yes, indeed, you really do find out who your friends are during this shyt, don't you? I've been there, you plan a big party and a handful show up and they're the ones that are like watching paint dry.

But better the pub than home alone.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry, Chopsy. Have you considered changing the date and just inviting the people who did respond. Maybe it was the date that didn’t work.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I thought about it Frosty but one person has taken a day off for it. Anyway it's my birthday and I'm going to have a party even if I am on my own. Well I'll try anyway. Gutted about SIL. Will see her at yoga tonight so we can talk. Yesterday I was definitely having a pity party, now I'm like I don't care! Going to get some tunes going, have a drink and be a bit silly and dance like no ones there, even if theyre sitting there watching me! Will probably be just two people at the rate people keep dropping out. LOL 

I'd love to have another party sometime when the lovely people who couldn't come could. One day. 

I'm into tarot and astrology etc and it's just turned Mercury retrograde which means things can go wrong basically. Check your dates if travelling, be careful about the words you use as you can be misunderstood, etc. LOVE Mercury retrograde. NOT! Explains a lot doesn't it. 

But I also have Jupiter in my sign (Cancer, and yes it explains a lot about me!) for the next 12 months. Jupiter is the planet of luck and opportunities! Not seen any evidence yet but I live in hope! 

Going to put a cd on and get some cleaning done now. My god the house needs it! Got the Rita Ora cd yesterday, love her. 

Hope you're all having a great Thursday.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Got my cossie today, omg the skirt is so short and totally see through! Got it on amazon. Came with string vest type gloves. And leg warmers but not sure if I will wear them. Wearing knee length leggings under the skirt for obvious reasons! Might go pick up a black or maybe neon coloured cami to go with it and some neon plastic jewellery. Maybe a wig, dunno yet.

Still pissed off and wanting to rant so I'm doing it here. Made a fool of myself already on FB. I've been so effin let down by people who said they'd come and dropped out and those who didn't even repy, like my two nephews! Not gonna be invited again! FFS! Last year they both turned up for the mega surprise party I did for my H (2011), I even gave my one nephew money to get here as he was so broke just starting new job. Now he's making the dosh and can't be bothered to even reply! Ass hole! 

Thinking with my crazy hat on, what if I have another party in late summer, and try and get my best peeps to come, the ones who couldn't make it this time. Or at least get my gang to go out and party somewhere. Reckon I'm going through a mid life crisis, just want to get my party on so bad! What sucks is the few people I know are younger than me but older, if you know what I mean. I have one new friend, she goes clubbing all the time. Might join her. God is that sad? I think it might be a little sad. Everyone my age is settling down and watching effin X Factor or BB on a saturday night. Done so many years of that with stbx, now I just want to live! I guess I have had such a sh1t year and such a sh1t five years with stbx that I just want to celebrate being me and free. 

Bagging up his sh1t today, got my Rita Ora on, should have done it sooner. Yeah I know more room in the closet but I haven't got enough clothes to fill even one side! Hope to change that soon. Gave him a cut off, end of July to come get his crap otherwise I'm selling/ getting rid. Yep even the Strat. Do I give a sh1t anymore, nope! Odds on he won't show. Cos he just can't mtfu, poor baby. LOL

Still haven't cleaned my house, too busy on here and prancing about in my see through skirt! LOL


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Send us a picture of you in the skirt. And another one of you throwing H's SHYT out into the garden.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

LMAO yeah I know you'd like to see me in the skirt! Totally predictable! 

As for stbx's stuff, I've bagged up most of it today. Cleared the wardrobe, books, CDs, etc. he has two big bin bags of shoes! 

Missed my yoga tonight, had a kip on the sofa and overslept. Aren't sofa naps the best? am actually going to have to do some cleaning, not done anything yet! No I have done laundry but that's it. Oh and I painted my toes. 

I don't think anyone is coming tomorrow so I can do some stuff tomorrow like get some crisps, pop, etc. I've asked people to bring booze and BBQ food. I'll make a potato salad and lettuce salad, a couple appetisers and a cake or dessert. No idea what I'm doing, but seeing as hardly anyone is coming, I won't be overthinking it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Party is cancelled. My SIL's bf has planned a surprise party for the Saturday and they had already committed to going. It's my fault, I planned the party for Saturday but the invite said the 28th. I feel a bit sad about it but I've already been disappointed by how no one could or wanted to come. I'm invited to the surprise party so I'm going to that, will have a drink and stay over at SIL's. It's got a disco too and I love to dance. 

SIL said maybe the reason some people didn't reply or want to come (not including those who couldn't come and let me know), was that because this thing with the stbx. I used to say (back when I was depressed and still with h) that people to our parties because of him. He loves to party and sings and plays guitar and acts like a fool and everyone loves it. I used to think that when people came to see us they were really coming to see him. Ok I am beyond that thinking now, but I couldn't help but remember how i used to feel. And maybe some people don't want to come because its just me. Well they can f*ck off and die. My next party will include people who actually like me for me, not because I make great meals while H entertains the masses. So much for my celebration. I do feel like a loser, a little. Total billy no mates here. Well it has clarified for me to who is on my side. 

As for my birthday on Monday, I guess I will go to SIL's (she lives in Birmingham and hasn't got a car- easier for me to go) and we'll have a BBQ or go bowling or just hang out. I don't mind much. Omg this will sound like I'm a crybaby but I'm not, but my h always did big birthdays for his sister. Last year we all as a family and went to Liverpool and stayed in a posh hotel. By the time my birthday came around, he had blown his dosh and so it was a BBQ at home. I don't mind BBQ even tho I prepared and cooked everything, it just seemed always a bit of a letdown after my SIL's birthday. Every year it was like this. H always got me nice pressies and in my family all our birthdays are low key. I guess I just wanted to make this one special because I'm on my own now and celebrating how far I've come. God I do sound sad. It will be fine. I can't have a drink on my birthday as I have to drive but oh well. It's only a birthday isn't it.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> SIL said maybe the reason some people didn't reply or want to come (not including those who couldn't come and let me know), was that because this thing with the stbx. I used to say (back when I was depressed and still with h) that people to our parties because of him. He loves to party and sings and plays guitar and acts like a fool and everyone loves it. I used to think that when people came to see us they were really coming to see him. Ok I am beyond that thinking now, but I couldn't help but remember how i used to feel. And maybe some people don't want to come because its just me. Well they can f*ck off and die. My next party will include people who actually like me for me, not because I make great meals while H entertains the masses. So much for my celebration. I do feel like a loser, a little. Total billy no mates here. Well it has clarified for me to who is on my side.
> 
> As for my birthday on Monday, I guess I will go to SIL's (she lives in Birmingham and hasn't got a car- easier for me to go) and we'll have a BBQ or go bowling or just hang out. I don't mind much. Omg this will sound like I'm a crybaby but I'm not, but my h always did big birthdays for his sister. Last year we all as a family and went to Liverpool and stayed in a posh hotel. By the time my birthday came around, he had blown his dosh and so it was a BBQ at home. I don't mind BBQ even tho I prepared and cooked everything, it just seemed always a bit of a letdown after my SIL's birthday. Every year it was like this. H always got me nice pressies and in my family all our birthdays are low key. I guess I just wanted to make this one special because I'm on my own now and celebrating how far I've come. God I do sound sad. It will be fine. I can't have a drink on my birthday as I have to drive but oh well. It's only a birthday isn't it.


Please don't think that people preferred your STBXH than you! I am now 3 months into separation and I thought the same. My husband is a huge social drinker, the life & soul but I thought I was the only one who saw the misery & self pity behind it. He was a different drunk around people to the self absorbed, selfish man he was at home. I spent so much time desperately trying to fix him I lost myself somewhere. When we split and I started to reach out to people I realised that people who really matter like me for being me & they are well aware that he has a drink problem. I bet people thought better of your husband through association with you, not the other way round.
My birthday was just over two weeks after DDay. I went home to visit my family and cried non stop for 24 hours. I am not proud of this. It didn't help that the OW's birthday was 5 days before mine. He took her on the trip we planned for my birthday & she posted it all over Facebook. Losers.
What I am trying to say is we are better than all of this. Plan another 80's party, go ahead with the one you already planned (some of the best nights I've had post separation have involved 2 or 3 friends), dress up & dance on your own to Wham!, go clubbing with your younger friend (I've been out with work colleagues whose ages range from 18 to 53, age does not matter, we all danced like no-one was watching), you are one of the good people, I bet people will love your company, I bet you will enjoy your birthday - it just seems worse than it is.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

As for his stuff...it's good that you've bagged it all.
My WH left with a bag of random clothes and a toothbrush after I confronted him about the affair. I steadily went through the house, bagged & boxed all his personal stuff and put it in the spare room.
He used his stuff as an excuse to keep calling round. One day I snapped. I told him it was all bagged & he was welcome to it as I wanted it out of the house. Told him to be prepared to make several journeys. He sheepishly carted it from my home to the OW's house (a street away). Took him 6 journeys.
Make him take his stuff or bin it. I put what was left of his clothes in those charity bags that they post through your letterbox.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Percy for your message. About your H being the life and soul, thanks for sharing that, it's nice not to be the only one! No I don't really believe people like him better, I guess I just felt a bit sorry for me. Thankfully I do have this other party to go to, I'll maybe buy a new top or dress tomorrow, something cheapish. I'm looking forward to it now, there's going to be a disco and I love to dance! My birthday will be fine, I know I will enjoy it as I will be with my family. 

That's dreadful about day being two days before your birthday and he took the posOW on the trip! What a thoughtless selfish uncaring man! I was a mess for months. I am nine months in now. 

I had meant to bag his stuff for months and just never did it. Most of its done now. Felt good too. Actually I didn't feel a thing. Total indifference. Gave him to end of July. He's not been to see me once and I doubt he will show up for his stuff. Or maybe he will when he finds out I mean it and I will sell/give away his beloved guitars. 

I actually feel relieved now that this whole party palaver is over. It hasn't been looking good for awhile. Another time. 

Thank you for your kind comments about me being a good person. I am. I hope I find many new friends who appreciate me for me.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

What do we have to do to get an invite to your next party? 

I'll be the token American who talks too loud.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

What's a party without a loudmouth American? The only American I know is back in the states, so you're very much welcome BW. 

Going to have a rant now about shopping, another wasted afternoon. Since I've slimmed down I want to wear clothes that are well fitting , not baggy and huge like everything that's out there. Or else dresses that are cut almost to the neck and are below the knee! I've read somewhere that there's a pattern between skirt length and the economy, when the economy is healthy, skirt lengths go up, when it's crap, they go down. So either you have frumpy dresses or really super short minis and see through tops. Not my style unfortunately! Soo frustrating. And now it's sales, but all shops seem to jam everything so tightly on the rails, all sizes mixed up and so crowded you cant get a look in. I know from experience everything's picked over anyway. I'm an awkward shape so there's no hope for me. Burlap sack it is then. Rant over. 

Yeah apparently this party is smart casual. That's the worst isn't it? If I wear a dress, everyone will be in jeans, if I wear jeans, everyone will be glammed up. My SIL doesn't worry about these things, and told me the same as we were texting back and forth while I was in town,dragging my ass through every store. 

Went to leave, and this family - looked like two teenage girls and their father were standing right behind me whole I tapped in my pin for the car park ticket payment. Seriously like right behind me! The one girl
says do we have to pay? The father says yes we're in England. Americans! I was in a mood already and muttering dumbass Americans, stop hanging over me while I tap my pin in! Like a bit of privacy? And yes you have to pay, you're in effin England or didn't you know? Deep breath. Reckon I have a mood on. Might be time for a glass of wine. Rant over.again. 

Yeah nothing constructive here,just me *****ing about my day.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Btw that was mean to be b1tching. Dontcha just love the censorship on TAM? I f*cking hate it! LOL


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Chopsy, shame about the party.. people suck.

Good that you're still going to get to party!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I'm looking forward to it and am now over the whole party debacle. Sometimes I think I'm having a mid life crisis,I just wanna party so much! LOL I intend to have a good time and act a total fool.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chops

Glad things are working out on all this partying stuff

And remind me never to lean over you muttering in my American accent!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thought I'd better do an update. Had a great birthday weekend, partied hard Saturday and danced like a freak. Got a wee bit drunk, hangover the next day, went for an Indian meal out- so good! Love indian food! I am quite boring and always get a lamb balti, even at the posh place mt sil treated me to. Birthday pressies, cake and champagne. World war z the next day with my awesome family. I only screamed once.  

Yoga tonight, wow that was tough. Keep trying to get my older nephew to come- he's 18. The yoga teacher's daughter comes to class now, she is 17. I joked that if I was a guy I would be at yoga like a flash with all the women in Lycra bending over. LOL

Going out Friday night for ****tails and dancing. Might take a taxi so I can enjoy the evening. Saturday meeting some friends for lunch. I was invited to a BBQ in the afternoon but now my SIL is having a BBQ as its her bf's birthday. The afternoon one will have the usual garden games as well as canoes and rowboats to mess about with. I love any kind of boating so might go down for a few hours then over to SIL after. 

Have texted h if he has paid the rent, so far no reply, he just winds me up so much, wish he would just mtfu one day. I don't mean to come back. But just to man up and face me and get his crap and take responsibility for the debts he incurred in my name. He's an idiot. My mother wasn't even surprised when I told her his ***** is pg. how low can he go? Nothing surprises me or anyone I know anymore. Meanwhile I just get on with my life and am having way more fun than I ever did with him. I feel like I am getting my glow back now. This has been the most useful life lesson ever, ok it hurt like hell at the beginning, but I have learned so much. I love myself now, I know my own worth, I am a caring loving person who deserves the best. I've faced up to my social anxiety (yes I was very anxious before), my codependency, my depression, my anxiety, my fears. Its like I've lost the heavy mask I used to wear in order to be a good wife and supportive (but actually enabling) while plastering all the cracks. I repressed so much. I hated me and I hated my life. I am so proud of what I have achieved and who I am. I have thrown off the mask and am free to be me now! 

I am looking for work but not much for me at the moment. Am also applying for housing associations but don't think that's going to work for me as I would only be eligible for a flat and that won't do with my dog and three cats. A keeping an eye on the rental market. Will probably be moving near Birmingham I guess. Less than three months now. I am starting to clear things out, decide what needs to be binned or sold or given away. There is so much to do! Have made a master list, will try to to work through it bit by bit and not get overwhelmed. 

Supposed to actually be a sunny warm weekend! Our first bit of summer!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Wow, Chopsy, you sound great! You have come a long way in a short time. Keep up the good work.

Oh, and keep the good weather, please. I will be in England in just over a week.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I'm glad you had a delay in updating as I have been a lazy git on other peoples threads.

You seem to be in such a noticably better place and I'm really glad your birthday weekend went well in the end.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks FF. it's weird because it's baby steps baby steps, bad days, a good day now and then and suddenly I had a breakthrough and am enjoying life again.  hope the sun stays out for you FF! How long will you be over?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I'm getting there NM.  I'm just starting to catch up on threads too, TAM is a full time job! LOL


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Night out last night, it was good, but got a bit boring so I came home early. There I am looking and feeling good till one of the 21 year olds, gives me a hug (bit drunk) says I like you, you remind me of my mum. !!!!!!!!!! oh well, who I am deluding, I'm not 21 anymore. Bit of a blow to my delusion that I am hawt and young! LOL oh god I need Botox! 

I just wanted to go clubbing (see I am delusional), but we were in this place with crap music and I wasn't even drunk or tipsy and I just felt bored. 

Today BBQ at SIL, her bf has hired a hot tub! I can't wait! Might actually be too hot for a hot tub today but I won't let that stop me. Staying over with the lad. He is still terrified of their wee kitten, poor lad. She is very curious and want to sniff him and he just freaks out, my poor scaredy baby. I'm making some BBQ beans and a salad so I better get on with it. When the sun shines in Britain, we make the most of it. Tho Brits love to complain about the weather, the minute it hits say 21 everyone is too hot.??? Although Canada has cold winters, the summers are awesome, in fact a bit too hot. It's 30 there now. We haven't hit 20 degrees till this week. 

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! xox


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Thanks FF. it's weird because it's baby steps baby steps, bad days, a good day now and then and suddenly I had a breakthrough and am enjoying life again.  hope the sun stays out for you FF! How long will you be over?


I think that’s the way it goes, Chopsy. Good days, bad days. I still have the occasional bad day, but now its mostly bad moments rather than whole days. And I can usually figure out what’s causing them, focus on the good, and get my emotions back on track. Time really helps. You’re going to be fine.

I will be in England for three weeks. Its been thirty four years since I was last back, so there will be lots of changes. My Nana and all my aunts and uncles have passed away, but I have lots of cousins, some I’ve never met as they were born since my last visit. We’ll be staying in the house where I lived as a young child. I’m really looking forward to it......not the flight (I’m a nervous flyer).....but everything else.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I hope you have a wonderful time FF. how wonderful to stay in the same house you once lived in! I'm sure you will have an amazing memorable trip. Hope the flight it tolerable for you! When do you leave?

I'm doing ok, tho now raising my head above the sand in which I buried it some time ao, and beginning to realise what my reality really is. I've been out meeting new people and am beginning to have a social life, but I have avoided everything else. It has been a distraction for me. I don't blame myself, maybe I wasn't ready to face the truth of my situation. Some of you may know my husband left me with over £30,000 in debts which he rang up in my name only as he had rubbish credit at the time and I had sparkling clean credit. No more. Now I am being chased by debt collectors while he has zero consequences. I intend to call all the creditors and offer a token payment for now until I am working and settled in a new place. But H is going to have to accept his share, I am not dealing with this alone while he scampers off to lala land with no debts or consequences. I realise now he is an addict- gambling, financial, alcohol. And I enabled him. I bought into his lies.i was codependent as hell. At least I am wiser now, but these are the consequences I am facing. And no job yet, tho I am panicking and ready to take anything. I have less than three months till I have to move. I am crapping myself about this, how will I have enough money to move, how one earth will I find somewhere for me and three cats and a dog and me with shot credit. Not exactly the ideal tenant. I keep reminding myself to breathe and not panic and one thing at a time. I am selling everything I own. I have to. I had hoped my h would man the eff up and contribute something or offer to help me, but nothing has transpired- he pleads poverty all the time- and for help with moving expenses, I don't think I can hope to get a penny from him, tho I will push for him to money up. 

Yes I am panicking. All I can do is what I can do and hope and pray everything works out somehow. I have left a message for him, he is avoiding me, but he needs to call and we need to meet and sort this out. I'm determined to chase his pathetic ass until he mans up and faces me. I'm not going to take on everything.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Returned two library books today that were months overdue. I have been feeling very vulnerable today, I almost had a panic attack over it.didnt help when I parked, two guys sitting at an outside table at a pub started yelling crap at me. Anyway books returned,they were very nice about it. So relieved! I know it seems like a small thing but it had grown into something else. 

Just had a mega long Facebook message off douche bag's OW about a message I sent to my husband. She clearly reads everything and uses his phone to text or message me. Get over it lady, I don't give a sh1t about either of you! Meanwhile I have been calling douche bag all day, he is hiding away like a little boy. 

An hour later...I mssaged his OW back, left a longish message,was very nice, told her some home truths about him. She said in her message that he tried to work things through with me. That I had been really difficult to live with and spent all his money, omg, he has lied to her about everything! So I very nicely told her everything and said also don't ever him touch your bank account or credit cards, and that he just left me, never even said a thing, just left like a coward. Oh yes I filled her in on everything. He has obviously woven a story about how evil I am and how I spent all his money! He was the one who bought race horses and fancy guitars without talking to me. I wouldn't say I feel sorry for her but I hope she can protect herself and her baby from him. He is a narcissist and can be oh so charming. I enjoyed that I must say. Oh and I said about the huge debts he left me with and how he will have to take responsibility for his half. That was very therapeutic.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Feeling very angry tonight, at myself for replying to posOW and even being polite. Was I on drugs yesterday?? So angry at me for being a douche, angry at her because I want to rip her to shreds. Her smug sarcastic tone makes me want to puke. Angry at douche boy, as per usual. I think I was in a chirpy forgiving mood. No more engaging with the enemy. I reckon she must be very insecure, having a go at me all the time. 

Sooo can't sleep due to above. Deep breath. Oh and I'm dreading/looking forward to the douche coming her on Friday. That is, if he shows.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

How did you do it. My husband left me 2 years ago and stole 20k, got his girlfriend to arrest me when I was not wrong and left me pregnant and with 2300 dollars with no job before he filed. Still he did not keep to our divorce decree agreement. 

I do not know how you have handled it, but I hate myself.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You go girl! I am in the same place as you are as far as debt my H is trying to leave me with. I had the good credit and his was in the crapper. But my lawyer thinks I can get alimony for however long it is to pay me back for the debt. I am praying this will happen as he makes 3 times as much as I do.

go out dancing for me!!!! I haven't gotten to do that in ages and not in the right frame of mind to be around booze. 

I hope I get to the place u r before the put me ten feet under lol. Your post made me smile. Thank you.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

FOH pleased that's yourself! You are not to blame. 

Thanks Tamara of your kind comment! 

Well my husband is coming over tomorrow, around 1pm. He's going to see his personal trainer before, probably so he can pump up his testosterone before meeting me! LOL 

I haven't seen him in almost ten months so am a bit nervous. I want to come across as strong and confident but also want him to recognise what he's done and how it has impacted me. Plus I have all the bills here for him. Wish me luck! I know he will be freaking out and I'm still not convinced he will show, seeing as he's stood me up once before already. Scared little boy LOL


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I wish you a great deal of Luck. Speaking of that do any of you guys believe in Karma? My mother says that when a man does so many horrible things that they get it back. Do any of you believe you that?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh I believe in karma, for everyone. Good and bad karma. It will be interesting to see if the karma bus has hit my H yet. I will know if I see him.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Good luck with Mister Douche Bag tomorrow, Chops. I understand your mixed feelings about seeing him after all these months. 

If you end up breaking a chair over his head, don't stuff him into the boot of your car, too much forensic evidence.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

haha yeah I'll remember that BW. If I'm a bit nervous, I bet he's bricking it. Not getting much sleep tonight tho. I've got "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'm not ok with that" down pat. Boundaries well up.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I dont like where this conversation is going is good too.

Keep it on track Chopsy. I would keep it away from "what he has done to you". If he doesn't already know, nothing you say will make him realise.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

So right NM. Wish I'd seen this before he showed up. I did everything wrong. I wanted to strong and confident and just sort the debts, but I just couldn't stop asking why. And me telling him how devastating it was for me. By the way he had no answer for why. Just because I guess. I cried for most of the time he was here. I felt so overcome with wanting him back. I made an enormous fool of myself. It was horrible to see him there but cold and removed. He couldn't talk about feelings, he doesn't even miss the animals. And he used to love them so much. Wish I had a chaperone here, like celebs have their pr people to make sure no dodgy questions get asked. Seeing him brought it all back to me. His OW sounds horrible, she yells and screams at him, she has a massive temper, she's clingy and needy. But still he's with her. I had hoped for clarity but I got nothing. I hoped I would find out why. More fool me. Feeling absolutely wretched. Going to take the dog out now and then over to sil's so I don't have to be on my own tonight.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Oops.

Done is done though.

He really is a massive knob.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> So right NM. Wish I'd seen this before he showed up. I did everything wrong. I wanted to strong and confident and just sort the debts, but I just couldn't stop asking why. And me telling him how devastating it was for me. By the way he had no answer for why. Just because I guess. I cried for most of the time he was here. I felt so overcome with wanting him back. I made an enormous fool of myself. It was horrible to see him there but cold and removed. He couldn't talk about feelings, he doesn't even miss the animals. And he used to love them so much. Wish I had a chaperone here, like celebs have their or people to make sure no dodgy questions get asked. Seeing him brought it all back to me. His OW sounds horrible, she yells and screams at him, she has a massive temper, she's clingy and needy. But still he's with her. I had hoped for clarity but I got nothing. I hoped I would find out why. More fool me. Feeling absolutely wretched. Going to take the dog out now and then over to sil's so I don't have to be on my own tonight.


Chops,

He's miserable, but still in the affair fog.

People are their most cruel and cold in that state.

It's not about you - trust me on this.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I envy all of you guys. I wish I could move on but the hate consumes me. My husband left me for his girlfriend stole my savings and refused to give me any support when he was working. I have gotten behind in the rent and he refuses to help me. I am not even sure I can recover. I hate myself for allowing him the power to know everything about me to destroy me. I will probably have to move in with my mother for awhile with the baby. it will be hard I hate having to move back home. I don know what to do. I am in so much pain I really hate him. How he refuse to speak to me. How could he stop loving me and just shut me out like that? Is there a good reason for this type of behavior?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks guys, I am back to normal today. Conrad you said it all. Spot on. NM, yes total knob! FOH, have you got a thread going? Might be an idea. You will get more responses that way. 

Had a nice evening at SIL's, debriefed with her over a glass of wine. She gets it. I do actually have a lot of clarity now. I can see he is totally emotionally vacant. It was tough to see my H, but not myH. An alien,a robot. He seemed to care on one level, ie about money, the car, fixing the treadmill, the practicalities of moving etc. but just couldn't register what I had been through. The posOW is a total band aid, he said they didn't really have a relationship. He stays out with friends. Amazed he has any friends still. He does a good sob story I guess, got them on side. Charming narcissist. 

I'm happy to me, on my own, without him. The next time will be easier. He has more stuff to collect. 

Off to SIL's again, hot tub up and running. Hottest day of the year. Bikini, hot tub, chilled white wine. 

Hope you all have wonderful weekend! xox


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Thanks guys, I am back to normal today. Conrad you said it all. Spot on. NM, yes total knob! FOH, have you got a thread going? Might be an idea. You will get more responses that way.
> 
> Had a nice evening at SIL's, debriefed with her over a glass of wine. She gets it. I do actually have a lot of clarity now. I can see he is totally emotionally vacant. It was tough to see my H, but not myH. An alien,a robot. He seemed to care on one level, ie about money, the car, fixing the treadmill, the practicalities of moving etc. but just couldn't register what I had been through. The posOW is a total band aid, he said they didn't really have a relationship. He stays out with friends. Amazed he has any friends still. He does a good sob story I guess, got them on side. Charming narcissist.
> 
> ...


Enjoy Chopsy- looks like a beautiful hot summer weekend for us all in the UK, something we've not had for years!

Had to engage with my STBXH this week- but not going to let it get to me- like you, off out with friends to a BBQ this afternoon and a few drinkies. Something I would never have done with X.:smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yes I know. Well more likely my ex would get massively drunk and completely embarrass me. Don't miss that! 

Stay strong, don't engage with the enemy!


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh trust me, I try very hard not to. Crips it's 26c outside already!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, so glad to hear you got through your encounter with douche canoe H relatively unscathed. 

My sense is you are almost feeling a sense of pity.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah definitely pity. And frustration and amazement at his stupidity. 
Meh whatever. 

Had an awesome weekend. With my cool nephews (one has pink hair at the moment), with SIL, hanging in hot tub, bit too much wine, soggy crisps and me spilling alf the Hagen daz in the water! Tipsy much? Next day on a canal boat for the afternoon, stopping at a pub enroute. Beautiful day. Unfortunately my dog couldn't find his sea legs, poor lad. 

Back in the hot tub, then I had the genius idea to put in bubble bath so we did. It was awesome! Overflowing with bubbles! 

Back home, feeling quite motivated now, thank you Mars!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Glad you had a good time. However, spilling Hagen Daz......girl, you’ve got to be more careful. That stuff is too good to be squandered like that!

Back to the job hunt? Any movement there?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

working on it Frosty. getting desperate!!

in other news just found out the guy I fancied is now going out with someone else, someone I know. damn. how do I do this dating thing?? feel like only creeps and weirdos are interested. Haven't got a clue. feeling a bit blue


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, as a creep and a weirdo, I resent that.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Chopsy, as a creep and a weirdo, I resent that.


Ah, but Bullwinkle, you have your charming personality!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks, Frosty! That's the nicest thing I've heard for a while. Aren't you over there in the UK now or is that still coming up?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

H called today regarding some debts he will be sending me money for, he sounded just like always, I don't know why but it just broke my heart. He asked how I was, am I eating properly, and taking care of myself. I now just want to call him back so much! I have been cycling a lot lately. I keep saying I am "done", but I'm not. Guess I'm trying to convince myself. Yes even nearly ten months on, it is still so tough. I guess I am just lonely. I've given up on the idea of dating, I can't imagine I will ever find someone anyway. Yep a bit desperate. Dating sites are unbelievably grim. I had an amusing thread on myFB with all the winner names I see on the dating sites. 

On the plus side, the sun is still shining, it s very hot out there, but I love it. Had a good time at SIL's last night, we ahead chicken kievs at the boys' request, wow haven't had those in years! Then watching old IT Crowd episodes and Family Guy/American Dad. 

Been invited to a party tomorrow. My one nephew is taking the train here tomorrow to get a lift with me. I'm taking the dog and a tent. They also have a pool, so bikini too. However there are some people going I'm not do keen on, so will see if I even stay over. I probably will unless they're more vile than usual. 

Making a list of all the things I want to do/achieve in life. Want to set some long term goals and some short term goals. Because I've been in survival mode for some time, it's not that easy to think big. 

Because I am into astrology, I know today is the last day mercury is retrograde, do good time to make plans. Tomorrow all systems go with Mercury forward motion, as well as Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto, actually today is a grand trine - very rare. All water signs too- I am a cancer. So far my horoscopes are saying I should be having an amazing year. Still waiting for that.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chops, did you go to the party? Did you get liquored up and dance on a table? Did you dance around your bag like the girls up in Sheffield?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: empowering myself to be me*



Chopsy said:


> So far my horoscopes are saying I should be having an amazing year. Still waiting for that.


You are having a year of transformation and growth. You maybe won't realise how amazing it has been till you come out the other side. Doesn't mean it isn't amazing though.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Thanks, Frosty! That's the nicest thing I've heard for a while. Aren't you over there in the UK now or is that still coming up?


Sorry, Bullwinkle, forgot to answer your question. I’m over hear now. People here are so nice. They rolled out the good weather for me!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks NM, very cheering! I hope I can look back and realise its been pretty good. 

Frosty, so glad you're getting sunshine instead if our usual "summer"! Hope you're having a marvellous time! 

Nothing to report. Just sitting back and watching an amazing full moon tonight!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I am having a marvellous time, thanks. I guess its back to your normal summer. Its raining! Thunderstorm due! Had planned to visit my Nana’s grave. Any ideas for a plane B??


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went and checked out a house today. Bit pricey and not worth the money. The guy was prepared to give the house to me on the spot, guess I come across as honest and genuine, which is good. But it's not quite right. I'm checking out areas this week, to get a better idea. I'm keeping an eye on gumtree- trying to avoid agents. While also looking for work, trying to clear things out, etc. H still has more stuff to come get. Hope he does that this week. Will text him a reminder. Can't wait to be rid of everything. 

I've totally given up any ideas of dating, just enjoying meetup outings, and time with my family and friends. 

Looking forward to a good weekend. Zombie walk, then shopping and night out with SIL and mutual friend.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Good luck with the house- and job-hunting, Chopsy. 

Mum and I are off to Gosport today to visit a cousin and his wife for a few days. Hope the weather stays nice!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

What the hell is a zombie walk?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> What the hell is a zombie walk?


Let me Google that for you.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

PB, I actually Googled it myself. But I still don't get it. So people want to dress up like dead people and stagger around cemetaries? Count me in.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> PB, I actually Googled it myself. But I still don't get it. So people want to dress up like dead people and stagger around cemetaries? Count me in.


Is it the dressing up, the cemeteries, or the staggering that appeals, Bullwinkle?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Didn't actually do the zombie walk. My SIL was trying to avoid her almost ex bf. However we did go out for a meal and a film after with a mutual friend who had come for a visit. Saw Wolverine. I imagine mostly women go to see that, he is sooooo hot! 

H was supposed to turn up today but called and cancelled. He has more stuff here. I am generally ok but today I triggered over something small I had read on FB (someone else not H) and it was so small but I completely fell apart! I was a total mess. I drove to SIL's with th dog as I couldn't be at home. I'm fine now and I think any small trigger is still going to trigger all the abandoment emotions. Maybe not like d day but bad enough. 

Also this house has such bad energy here, I really hate being here. I suppose it's all my heart break. When I visit SIL, her house has this marvellous energy, so calming and relaxing. I spent the evening chatting and watching my youngest nephew kill zombies. She always insists on feeding me. We had an enormous belly pork dinner, so yum. Dog got a plateful too. we are planning a weekend in Walee next week. SIL is waiting to hear from an interview she had last week. Praying she gets it, she deserves a break. 

I now realise it will take years for me to recover from this trauma. But I don't have many bad days now, just the odd one, so bit by bit I'm getting there. 

Determined to tidy the house tomorrow and make a start on the garden.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> But I still don't get it. So people want to dress up like dead people and stagger around cemetaries?


Well, not cemeteries. Usually populated areas, like in the middle of some city.

Think of it this way... You know how there's all those people who like to dress up in uniform, grab a musket, and perform reenactments of Civil War battles?

It's kind of like that. But, instead of a reenactment of an historical war, it's a preenactment of the zombie apocalypse.

Here's a couple pictures of me and the kids during a Halloween zombie walk from about 4 years ago...


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

like your pics PB! excellent zombies!! 

well insomnia again. Can't sleep due to sheer panic at my sh1t life. its August tomorrow. Im just scared. H keeps making promises to help which don't transpire. I've been cycling emotionally like crazy. triggering big time. Heard today that someone knows something about H that I don't ffs I am sick to death of people keeping his effin secrets! I hate my life right now. Hate this house. The energy is so dark and depressing. Had a meltdown yesterday over something someone said to H (this was a different thing), like it's all fine and normal that H is f*cking a ***** and no one cares. Thats my fear that one day this will all be normal for everyone. They'll be invited out for dinner, everyone will be soooo happy for them. 

I know. I have to get a grip. I am falling to pieces. One day I will come through this. But I don't know how. 

Lets see- I need a new home before end of this month. I have crappy credit due to the thousands H left me in debts. I have to find a job asap. I have to deal with the debts as I am now having people knocking on the door and calling all day. I have no money, no income. H helped with my electric when I was about to be cut off but that's it. I am a mess. I am trying to be strong but tbh I don't know if I am up for it. I keep forgetting to take my medication. I am still sruggling to eat. I am really struggling to sleep. 

sorry this is so down. I am in a bad place right now.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> like your pics PB! excellent zombies!!
> 
> well insomnia again. Can't sleep due to sheer panic at my sh1t life. its August tomorrow. Im just scared. H keeps making promises to help which don't transpire. I've been cycling emotionally like crazy. triggering big time. Heard today that someone knows something about H that I don't ffs I am sick to death of people keeping his effin secrets! I hate my life right now. Hate this house. The energy is so dark and depressing. Had a meltdown yesterday over something someone said to H (this was a different thing), like it's all fine and normal that H is f*cking a ***** and no one cares. Thats my fear that one day this will all be normal for everyone. They'll be invited out for dinner, everyone will be soooo happy for them.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are struggling, Chopsy. I don't have much time, as my coz is taking Mum and me out, so a quick response. 

Will it be 'normal' one day? Yes. That's the way of life. Things change, not always in a good way, but they do. And people adjust to the changes. So yes, one day H and OW will be invited out and everyone will consider it normal. It's hard to think of that right now. But, while its part of your grieving process at the moment, fixing on it for any length of tiIme and in any depth is as productive as regret. It isn't productive. Nor is it healthy. Feel it now, but move on. Don't let it drag you down and destroy you.

Why should you fear them being considered normal? It has nothing to do with you. Your H is showing his true colors. So is she. They are what they are. Let them be. Live your own life and eave them in your dust.

Hug.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> like your pics PB! excellent zombies!!


Thanks! Back in the day, I was involved with a lot of theater productions, and picked up some nifty tricks for make-up special effects.

The torn skin and gore is just toilet paper and liquid latex.

The blood is all homemade... 1 cup corn syrup, 1 tablespoon red food coloring. Dip a toothpick in blue food coloring, shake it off, then stir it into the corn syrup. Then, add powdered baking cocoa one spoonful at a time, until the color looks right, and you get a slightly opaque, thick consistency. As an added, optional, touch, if you are going to use the blood right away (or store it in the fridge or freezer), add a spoonful or two of milk, as well (not too much, or the blood will start looking pink).

It looks great, is perfectly safe to put in your mouth, and it tastes like super-sweet chocolate. Just be careful, it's very sticky and can stain clothing.



Chopsy said:


> sorry this is so down. I am in a bad place right now.


Cheer yourself up... Dress up as a zombie, and go walking around downtown. Laugh as people flee you.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, I agree with Frosty. And reading back through your thread, you've been down before but bounced back. 

I'm guessing that your getting out of that house into a different environment will help. Away from the memories of H, good and bad.

All this talk about zombies, I'm gonna whip up some fake blood and gore from PB's recipe and go stagger around downtown D.C. They'll haul me away but I'll get a free lunch at the nuthouse.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thank you Frosty for taking time out to message me. I appreciate it. And yes you are right. What does it matter, whatever H and pos get up to. I realise I have been focussing on h too much lately, maybe as a distraction from all the things I have to do. Anyway, I am better now. I want to start creating distance with him now, I want to be done. 

Thanks PB and BW, legends of TAM! Yeah it's this house. And mt mind too, making me a bit crazy. But I have to keep focused and keep my A game together. I'n doing a cleansing tonight (BW, since I know you will ask, it involved walking around the house with incense. I have white sage for the job. Also muttering witchy words, like away with you bad energy. Or words to that effect  ) to see if that will help. Two more months. 

I'm thinking of having the boys up sometime (nephews 16 and 18) to help with the garden and paint my wood table and chairs. Get them off killing zombie and drinking too much cider. I know their mother would approve! LOL will probably have to bribe them with cider and pizza, but it will be worth it. I'm never good at asking for help. 

Even tho I still have some rough days and go a bit insane, I know I have grown so much. 

Right, going to go text H to come get his crap by end of next week or else it goes.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had some interesting news today. I was house hunting today and stopped in at SIL's on the way to drop off some kitty toys that my three aren't interested in, and have a cuppa. I was surprised to see the boys gone. She said they had gone to Bristol to see H. He had invited them, it was all last minute. I am so pleased he is reconnecting with them, he has not seen them or spent any time with them since d day. I'm sure they will have a great time, they always used to! 

And apparently posOW is gone. Hopefully forever, but gone for now anyway. I know they have broken up several times before that. 

Yesterday I noticed H had changed his FB pic to one I took of him and the boys at his birthday last he was with us. I commented on it, and he said yeah good times. 

Also SIL said he had said to her "Chopsy is really nice isn't she" and SIL said yes she is!! Also he said he could imagine spending time with the family with me there. I have always encouraged him to not abandon his family and that if he wanted to visit and I was there, I would never make it weird or difficult. 

Anyway there seems to be some movement in the tunnel. I am not going to let this distract me but it is good news he appears to be reconnecting with his family. I am so glad he is away from that toxic wh0re. Hope that's over now.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Its good that he is reconnecting with his family, but be careful not to get your hopes up that he will want to R with you. I would hate to see you hurt more.

As for OW, she is carrying his child, Chopsy. It is unlikely she will be completely out of his life. 

You’ve come so far. Don’t get derailed by false hopes.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, good to hear numbnuts is trying to reconnect with family. I do agree with Frosty that you must get your hopes up too much but I understand how it is, I am the king of false hopes. 

Someday you need to fly here to Washington and cleanse my dwellings of the evil of the Frostine bad air and toxic ghost and aura. I'm picturing you as a much younger version of Angela Lansbury in the old Disney movie Bedknobs and Broomsticks where she gets her Witch degree and learns to fly a broom. 

BW


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, BW, you're so right. For a half day I got a bit obsessed wondering what was going on and how it might impact me. Then someone else gave me the same advice as you lot- ignore and just get on with your life. And as you all know I do have a lot to get on with. 

BW, I'll take that as a compliment! Yes thats exactly what im like! LOLOL you're so adorable! Unfortunately no broom as of yet! I loved that film! Shame I'm not closer, I'd definitely come and do some witchy stuff to F! 

Well had an awesome weekend with friends, went to Cardiff in Wales, had such a good time. Went to a lovely italian and the off for ****tails. 

Back home in the pouring rain, me in sandals all day, no jacket. Dropped SIL off at train station, back home hot hot bath and jams. It's almost 4 in the afternoon. Well it's one of those days. Planning my week- have two houses to check out tomorrow, several calls to make re jobs and cvs. I am determined to get all this sorted in the next few weeks, definitely before end of August. I am super motivated now! And am also gradually clearing the house- stuff for charity shop, stuff to chuck, stuff to sell. Might do some eBay listings today as well. 

Are you still in the Uk Frosty? Hope you're bypassing the rain!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m back home, Chopsy. We drove under all those dark clouds ready to drop their stuff on the way to Gatwick (which, by the way, is a nightmare of an airport!). Nice of you to keep the weather sunny during my visit. That witchy stuff works!

Have a great, productive week. I wish you luck with the job and house hunting.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Glad you had decent weather during your stay, hope it was everything you wanted it to be. 

Yes Gatwick isn't the best. And getting there! The M25 is horrendous! Glad you're home and had a safe journey. It's been pouring rain here all day! 

Thank you, yes I have high hopes this week for a positive outcome!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Glad to hearing you sound more upbeat, Chopsy. 

And while I did advise against getting your hopes up, it is of course possible that H may try to reconcile at some point, or at least make overtures in that direction. You'll need to decide if you could forgive him, given all that's happened. You're right, get on with your life and see where all this leads. 

Meanwhile, if you were here, I'd ask you to conjure me up a grilled cheese sandwich, you know, with the thinly sliced tomatoes.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BW I'm so full of bs I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I don't know how to help shelf any more. I hate my life so much. I have so much rage in me I don't know hat to do with it, I try to make myself sound better than I am but really i am the biggest loser, the biggest sack of shut you ever saw. I'm ok during the day if I am busy birth when home in the evening, I am a mess. If I'm with other people I'm ok. Mostly. Alone at home is the worst, so depressed and sad and angry. Sometimes I reckon I could easily kill him and the *****. I cannot ever imagine being detached enough to not be an emotional mess all the time. I am such a loser, why am in this situation, what did I deserve to gt this?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, you don’t deserve this. And its not on you. You’re in this situation because your H made bad choices. 

I think its always worse at night. Its was for me. But don’t suffer it alone. Come on TAM and pour your heart and your grief out to us. I know the time difference means you may not get immediate responses, but it helps just to get it out.

It doesn’t help that you are in limbo re. housing and a job. Once those are taken care of, I think you will feel better about a lot of things and your life will move forward. Right now you are stuck in a mire of uncertainty. 

You are also having to keep asking him for financial help. This can’t help your self-esteem. You need to get a separation agreement in place as soon as you can. I know you are struggling financially right now, but make that a goal and work towards it as soon as you can. You shouldn’t have to beg for support. 

Hang in there. You are not a loser. You are a very special person with a lot to offer the world. 

Hug.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Yes, Chopsy, Frosty is right, as usual. You are certainly no loser and your life is indeed very much in flux. Resolving your housing issue and a good job will help your sense of turmoil and frustration. 

I'm not going to tell you that you will feel better tomorrow or a month from now. Every evening of my life now, I am overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and anger. And I hate the TAMers who profess all this peace and love and f**king ACCEPTANCE. I may eventually learn how to deal with it all better but I know I will never get completely past it. 

Like the drunks say, Chops, one day at a time. That's it. All you have to do. 

Hang tough and mail me some Walkers Crisps, salt and vinegar.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are you doing, Chopsy?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Yes, Chops, you okay, kid?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm ok, thanks guys. Busy looking at houses, all sh1t mind you, who keeps their fridge in the lounge because there is no kitchen to speak of? Yeah quality for me! And jobs- hours doing applications, had a few interviews,no bites yet. I set a target of a job and a house by end of August! Oh well, must keep going, too easy to get anxious and panicky. Just trying to keep my head focused. Busy selling all my stuff. As H still hasn't forked out a penny, despite all his promises, I know I will have to finance the move and lay the deposit, plus cleaning and carpets etc here when I leave. 

I must admit I got a little excited when he had the boys up. Then I found out he just spent the whole weekend drinking, even tho one is underage at 16 and the other, well, he already likes to drink too much. Oh and he said they went to some really nice bars he knows of. No effin doubt. My H has never deprived himself of anything, always top notch. Typical.

My main problem besides all the real life problems such a housing and work, is my anger. What do you do with it? I have so much rage in me all the time. 

Douche bag is coming he tues to getter the rest of his crap away and help me go through all the junk in this house. If he doesn't show or arrived late so he doesn't have enough time, then I will be making the decisions. End of, soooooo tired of his bs. Just want this over. Once I'm moved, I never have to see him again. 

I'm mostly ok, tho still cycle a lot emotionally. Last week I was so emotional, I was a mess. This week I am calmer tho still all the rage, and just trying to get on with things. 

Whatever he does and whoever he sees,he can start seeing his sits every Sunday for all I care, I will to get involved again. I know I will have to see him and his ***** eventually as his family is mine, and all I have tbh. He is still with her, despite various reports I heard otherwise. Oh and he keeps saying they don't even have a relationship. I honestly don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be completely detached and move on. I'm beginning to realise I have more self worth and value and will never be with someone who doesn't absolutely cherish me. He is a turd. End of.

Frosty, glad you had a great trip over, maybe next time we can meet up! BW I am so gutted you're going. You've been a total star and a true friend.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, sorry to hear it's all such a mess. The turmoil, the uncertainty about job and housing. Anyone would be at their wits end. I do hope Mr. Douche Bag DOESN'T show up so at least you have the pleasure of chucking his kit onto the street or in a tip. 

The only thing I would disagree with you on is the idea of having a fridge in the lounge. What a concept! I'd have it right next to the couch so I could just reach into it for a beer and chicken leg. 

As for the unrelenting anger and rage, I wish I could help you but it's the same for me. Everyone keeps telling to let it go, accept peace into my heart, blah blah blah. Nothing changes it. Only time, I guess. 

Hang tough, kid, and someday when you least expect it, that someone who cherishes you wil enter your life.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

We say to let it go as it tends to show an unhealthy attachment or reliance on them.

In Chopsy's case I still believe the financial situation is the prime driver there. Focus on a job, any job for now. Being able to take care of yourself regardless of his contribution or lack of will be a big boost.

Mind me asking what sort of work youre applying for and how?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

[email protected] re fridge. Typical BW! 

someone suggested kick boxing for my rage. Also read on Stella's thread about using a bat. if he doesnt show tomorrow, I'll be selling or smashing- cricket bat instead of baseball. having said that, all of H's stuff is high end electricals (that man never deprived himself of anything) mostly so will probably be selling, unfortunately. A long time ago a therapist once told me of one of her clients who smashed dinner plates. Bought them cheap= car boot, pound stores- then smashed em. sounds good to me! Better than the "accepting peace in your heart" bs. Maybe when you're in Afghanistan you can blow something up- old computer? 

NM I am totally applying for everything now. I don't even care, as long as I can be independent.

Once I am settled, I can start finetuning what I want. Am also thinking of going back to uni to either finish my counselling qualification or just carry on and get a psych degree. Or maybe massage therapy. who knows, as you can imagine, not really on my agenda right now. 

Have decided today to stop looking at houses. Second time today told I would be perfect tenant but they need someone working. So that is my numero uno priority. Alternating between sheer panic and being super motivated. Can't afford to have a panic attack. I think someone has taken the victim chair, I can't find it!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hang in there, Chopsy. A job will turn up and you will be on your way. I know its hard with pets, but have you thought of looking for employment further afield? 

As for Bullwinkle, what do you mean he’s leaving?!! He’s family. He can’t do that!

And Bullwinkle, I am reading your epic thread. Could you please stop having things happen till I catch up??!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

LOL, Chopsy, smash anything! I've kicked in doors, smashed plates, sobbed like a schoolgirl, worst of all, tried to run down a squirrel in the road just for the fun of it. And, no, I didn't get him. I agree with NM, once you get a job, any job, you'll feel better about everything. And these landlords you speak to, just lie to their sorry faces, tell them you're Chancellor if the Exchequer. 

Frosty, sorry for rushing my thread so much, as we say in Boston, my life has been like trying to cram ten pounds of SHYT into a five pound bag. But Thursday evening will be it, will be done for a while, as I get esconsed back in country again. 

Chopsy, I will keep monitoring your thread from the Stan and have every expectation that you will be rich and famous and sipping wine with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Anyone that is struggling with the anger and bitterness (count me in) and wants to research it on an intellectual level, consider reading "Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce". Gives you some things to look for so that you are progressing through the process in a healthy way.

Personally, I cannot wait for my D to be final so I can at least let my WAW know that I find her despicable and I would be very happy if she would move back to the cesspool where I found her.

Being strong,
Stretch


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

_"If you have given way to anger, be sure that over and above the evil involved therein, you have strengthened the habit, and added fuel to the fire. If overcome by a temptation of the flesh, do not reckon it a single defeat, but that you have also strengthened your dissolute habits. Habits and faculties are necessarily affected by the corresponding acts... One who has had fever, even when it has left him, is not in the same condition of health as before, unless indeed his cure is complete. Something of the same sort is true also of diseases of the mind. Behind, there remains a legacy of traces and of blisters: and unless these are effectually erased, subsequent blows on the same spot will produce no longer mere blisters, but sores. If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: 'I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next every two, next every three days!' and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the Gods in thanksgiving."_ *- Epictetus*

Or, as my mother used to say... "Stop picking at it! You'll just make it worse! It'll never heal, if you keep picking the scabs!"


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> As for the unrelenting anger and rage, I wish I could help you but it's the same for me. Everyone keeps telling to let it go, accept peace into my heart, blah blah blah. Nothing changes it. Only time, I guess.


On a less "blah, blah, blah" note...  

For me, personally, violent distraction never really helped. It would appease the anger, but it would eventually come back.

Rather, I slowed down, took a deep breath, re-engaged my brain, and channeled that violent energy into finding proactive solutions... Having a solid *plan*, being able to *actively* work to eliminate the problems that were causing the anger was what had the biggest effect on allowing me to let it go and stop being angry.

The more effective my actions were, the less angry I became. And the less angry I became, the more effective my actions were.

It made me angry that AXW tried to sucker full child support out of me, after I offered to cover all the kids' education expenses. It made me even more angry that she wasn't contributing to the household bills, and partying while I was going broke. Instead of breaking dishes or hitting punching bags -- which might have felt better, but wouldn't have improved anything -- I gathered my evidence, talked to my lawyer and took the fight to her. We got the judge to rule in my favor over child support, and then got a court order to make help with the bills.

Once I made the decision to do those things and had worked out an effective plan with my lawyer to make them happen... The anger vanished.

Or... more like it changed. I wasn't angry. I was determined. I had a job to do. I had a goal to accomplish.

I could see that she was doing these nasty things, because she was scared. Down in the back of her mind, she subconsciously knew she wasn't being the mother she wanted to be, and she wasn't being as financially responsible as she could be. She was afraid that the judge would see that and take the kids away from her. She was afraid about what would happen when I wasn't there anymore to take responsibility for the day-to-day necessities of adult life. She was scared that her life _wasn't_ going to get better without me, and that it would be all her own fault.

I'm not mad at her anymore. I'm disappointed in her. I pity her. I almost feel sorry for her. But I'm not angry.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

PBar, what an insightful post. Makes total sense. Thank you so much! I guess my anger is mostly about feeling out of control, like H has no consequences and I have no options. But I do have options. And he doesn't hold the keys over me. It's been an interesting couple weeks as I have been finally taking more control over my future- serious job hunting, home hunting, calling the debt collectors and sorting payment plans. I must admit my anger has diminished somewhat, I just didn't realise how closely anger and being in control on your life and taking action are. Action appears to be the best remedy for anger. Love it. Wonderful life lesson. Thank you very much!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well time for an update! I know I'm not on here as often as I once was, busy I guess or not much to report! 

Anyway my big news is I now have a new home to move into! It's not perfect, but has so many nice features and a lovely neighbourhood too. Big kitchen, big garden, three bedrooms, smallish lounge. Great neighbours. Great landlord. Family oriented neighbourhood. Park and canal near by, 8 minutes to my SIL's. Less than that to yoga class. I am very pleased! Deposit paid. No date on move in due to landlord (also the owner and still living there) having to find a home to move to! The house is too small for their growing family. They intend to move second or third week of sept. they are already packing. Obviously with kids, there are school to sort out. They do have a backup house if they can't find their dream home. The reason they're renting is because they tried to sell, but due to the market being so poor, it made more sense to rent it out. They are just lovely. Muslim family with three children. They like to tell me bits about their faith as I have shown an interest. The house has the most wonderful energy. I made the decision on the spot, relying in intuition, the next day I went back and said how anxious I was and they said they were too, as I was the first to view, in fact I called about the house less than an hour after it was listed. And they don't mind about the animals, although in Islam dogs are unclean, but they are willing to overlook this as I want to be a long term tenant. Happy! 

I have been in the most wonderful cheerful mood since then. Tbh I have been very positive in my outlook all this month. I feel more and more detached from the husband. I feel light and energetic. I do have some good planets with me right now which helps. I am still looking for work, and know everything is going to fall into place! 

I am having a party this weekend, at my soon to be gone house. It's a big place with countryside and fields so people are camping. I'm really looking forward to it. 

The last two days I have been busy tidying the garden, yanking out weeds and hacking down brambles. I have now sanded down my wood table and chairs and will start painting them tomorrow. Sky blue. 

My nephews are coming over early Thursday or Friday to help with the painting and garden, help out up a badminton net and lay out the croquet. I think we need to set up two tents for people coming who don't own tents so the boys can do that. SIL is coming over friday evening to help with preparing the food. And the weather looks good. 

Give H till sept 8 to come get his stuff. I told him I am no longer calling him to try and get him to set a date, he is an adult, he knows he has stuff here, so I will no longer be chasing him. And I have gone 180 again. I was having occasional chats with him, but I've decided there is nothing in them for me do I've knocked it on the head. I won't be initiating any more conversations. If he wants to talk, seriously, he knows where I am. 

As far as I know, he is not with the posOW, but who knows, I've heard a few rumours but don't take any notice anymore. He is reconnecting with his family which is good, albeit slowly. I am on my own path, moving swiftly forward. I hardly take any notice of him anymore. Whereas before I used I hang on to every rumour, every word, every text, every message, I just feel more and more detached. 

Am doing a lot of clearing out now, it's very rewarding. I wish I could tip the house upside down and empty it. Well I have done a couple car boots now, and have done ok, sold almost everything! Still have loads to get rid so a few more car boots for me. I'm opening every cupboard and drawer and not holding back. Even thinking of chucking the wedding pics. I hated my weddings pics and the wedding too. It was my mothers wedding more than my own. All for propriety! What I would do differently!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

This is the Chopsy we know and love!

Hi, Chops, just a quick note to say I'm delighted at how things are slowly but surely coming together for you - your new crib sounds wonderful. And it does indeed sound like you're in fact detaching from H, as painful as all that is.

And thanks much for your upbeat note on my sad thread.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks BW! How wonderful to hear from you! Its so not the same here without you! I hope you're enjoying being back in the air. That's cool you can check in now and again, I was so pleased to see you on TAM today. Thanks for checking in on my page. Bit busy, not on TAM so much right now. Yeah I'm chuffed about the house, thinking already what I can do decorating wise. Really hope you can get something in place with your wee one. I think your wife is the evilist on here tbh. One day your daughter will know the truth, that her mother deprived of her talking with her father while he was away for a year. She's not going to gain a lot of points off your back BW, but for your sanity and wee one, do see if tht hotshot lawyer or sister even can arrange something else. How's life out there then? Hope your injury has healed! They are keeping you busy out there, no more injuries ok!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, I’m so glad about the house! And you sound so upbeat. What a great post!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chopsy, sorry for the late reply, it's been crazy busy here, but I did want to thank you for your kind words and support.

IS THIS THE WEEKEND OF YOUR PARTY WHERE PEOPLE WILL BE CAMPING OUT IN YOUR GARDEN? It sounds wonderful, not to mention the opportunity for some drunken debauchery in the wee hours. A bottle of cheap Kentucky bourbon and some Eric Clapton has always worked miracles in my life. You can stir up some special witch's brew in a cauldron while chanting some unrecognizable mantra and turn your ex into a toad.

Keep well, Chops.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frosty and BW. yes the party was last weekend. It was pretty awesome tbh. Way more people showed than I expected, I expected maybe 15 and I had close to 50 so that was cool. Good thing I had loads of food in the freezer to unthaw and cook up. several came from far away which I appreciated. Did an enormous bbq- steak, chicken, burgers, chicken wings, hot dogs, sausages (unloading my freezer!), 7 layer dip (except mine is an abbreviated version missing a couple layers), potato salad, lettuce salad which no one ever touches, plus chocolate fondue, roasted marshmallows (made a fire in the bbq once we had done bbqing), and my sister in law, who came over the friday night before to help, whipped up choux buns with whipped cream filling and chocolate drizzled over. She is a pastry expert!

My two nephews came over friday afternoon and worked their socks off with the overgrown garden, as well as helping me paint my table and chair and bench set. It looks marvellous now, sky blue. They did a superb job. They also cleared and cleaned the conservatory for me. SIL helped me clean the house and prepare all the food. Elder nephew cooked everything. We had so much food and drink in this house! I went to bed around 3, party still going on. Made toasted ham and cheese croissants in the "morning" LOL and later did waffles with strawberries and cream, bananas (my family likes bananas and cream with maple syrup), and left over chocolate from the fondue. Took me awhile to wake up, as I was getting the waffle iron ready, and brushed on some butter, I couldn't figure out why it was smoking so badly, and I am ashamed to say it took me some time before I realised I had the George Foreman grill out instead! Eventually got proper waffles done on the waffle maker! LOL coffee, juice, tea, plus some jackazz brought out Jack Daniels, Southern Comfort and Baileys to put in our coffee. I was hungover like crazy but that Comfort was lush in my coffee!!

Everyone helped clean bless their hearts, finally had house to myself around 5pm. Next party at my new place! 

also had a call on saturday from my new landlord saying they had finally found their new home and were moving the following sunday, therefore I can have the house any time after that! So all of a sudden I am in big time clearout, packing, and panic on the side. 

Bit of an issue with current landlord in that H who does nothing else for me, has not paid August rent yet. They are over from France now and in my face daily, nagging about the rent. I cant pay it. SIL who is hardcore, says dont worry, if it comes to it, they will have to take me to court and I will have to pay £10 a month or something. JUST what I need now!!!! so angry and annoyed with him.He claims poverty. I grilled him, is he paying for some fancy baby bling for his posOW, is he paying for a flat for her or food and bills? Apparently they are not living together now. He denies anything. It doesn't help that H lives in a flat more expensive than the house I will be moving to. GRRRRRRR

SIL just says keep on with what I've got to do- sell stuff, junk stuff, pack stuff. Don't worry about the rent, even if they're in my face, she says just say you can't pay (and it's true, I can't). H seems very very keen to sort this and says he will, but it might take time. I believe him. Not sure if landlord does. Oh well. Still a massive pain in the ass. 

Cannot wait to move and be settled and working- no sign of a job yet but I haven't given up. I apply for probably a hundred jobs a week. I KNOW I will find a job. I don't even care what it is, as long as I can pay my way. Once I am working, I can apply for more suitable jobs and make a move job wise. 

Just spent two days on a short course about interviews. It was very good and useful. Did a rather proper mock interview with the tutor, she says I have nothing to worry about and that I will definitely find a job. Then she looked at me again and said you will be fine, you will find a job. I guess I looked uncertain. She was definitely one of the best tutors I've had. She's Swedish. that helps (I have craploads of Swedish ancestry  LOL)

H has until Sept 8 to come get his stuff. Last chance. No more easy going Chopsy. After that I make my own decisions. 

SIL and I and a few other folk were talking about Halloween. We have convinced loads of people to come to our massive Halloween do. We take it VERY seriously in our family, even back when no one did Halloween, not that long ago (I'm in the UK).She does an enormous party, her teenage boys bring all their friends, yes they are 16 and 18, but still up for it because it is so awesome. Serious apple bobbing, which becomes a bit competitive and by the end, we're either sneaking out the apples, or chucking in crisps and stuff just because we're nasty like that! SIL does a swamp thing dessert which even tho the boys are older, they all love. She also does ghost stories and something called the witches story- all of us in a dark room and her telling a story, and passing around bowls of stuff, saying like this the heart or the guts -bowls of spaghetti, real pigs heart, or various bits pretending to be nasty things, so you put your fingers in the bowl and scream. Loads of fun. Also do competitive donut eating competiton with jam donuts. no hands. 

We all dress up, but it has to be a scary costume, no princesses. Tho we are trying to convince my one nephew to go as zombie Brtiney Spears. Don't ask! Last year I went as the guy in Clockwork Orange. So am thinking about that too in my spare time. One year me and H went as Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovatt. (google if you don't know Sweeney Todd!)

Off the top of my head, I am thinking of The Bride of Chucky. Might have to research that one.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy -

I know who Sweeny Todd is, he's one of my heroes, he garroted rich people, but what the hell is a choux bun?


BW


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> ...but what the hell is a choux bun?


It's a type of French pastry dough... The sort that they use to make eclairs and crullers and beignets such.

The main difference between it and other doughs, is that it uses steam as a rising agent, instead of yeast, baking powders or other chemical leavings.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

well I am now in full panic mode. Have been threatened with eviction as August and Seotember rent have not been paid. I am sole name on tenancy which runs out end of Sept. H promised to pay the rent for me, the one thing he has done for me as I receive not a penny from him. I am currently selling everything I own, in order to raise the money for moving- and paying the first month rent. I am due to give the rest of the deposit tomorrow and that will completely clean me out. I STILL don't a job despite applying for everything I can find. So I am now wondering if I should take this house knowing I can't afford it now. Yes I can apply for housing benefit but that will take a good month likely to process. I guess I shouldn't have had that party, I didn't spend much but now I am beyond broke. I have been so positive and strong but now I know I am in trouble. Tomorrow I will sell my jewelllery - none of it is worth much because I took it in to sell several months ago but held back as I was offered so little. No choice now. Selling the tv, all the games, dvds, chest of drawers, clothing, camera, anything pf any value. I am an idiot. I believed H would help me for the first couple months till i was on my feet but can see now that will not happen. I am very scared. I am a huge fool and am paying for my stupidity now.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You are neither a fool nor stupid. Take some deep breaths. You won’t be evicted tomorrow. Things take time. 

I don’t know what to suggest. Apply for the housing benefit as soon as you can. I know its not a pleasant thought, but perhaps you need to look at declaring bankruptcy. 

Hug.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

i agree with Frost, you need to apply for the housing benefit asap wherever you decide to live if your not working
eviction as Frost points out wont happen overnight but i would start making a plan. If you move into this new place, can you afford the rent on your own with the housing benefit?
Have you looked into Agency work? When i went through a tough time between jobs i managed to get 3-4 days a week off them doing various work, maybe a thought?
Are you servicing any of the debt your ex racked up?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chops, sorry to hear about your predicament. Frosty and DeepThought seemed to have some good ideas. It all sounds like a bad movie. In desperation, you run H down with a car, in a dusguise, of course, trying to collect his life insurance money. But don't do it.

Worst case scenario, come here to Afghanistan, great living conditions, but you'll have to wear a burrkha, hope you're okay with that.

BW


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

chops, hows it all going?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

thanks Frosty, Deepthought, BW. Mwah!! xox 

Oh and thanks for the offer BW, but I'll pass for now! 

SIL pulled me from my panic. She is from Merthyr in Wales, they make em tough there. I am trying to channel her merthyr genes! Anyway yeah she set me straight- said they can't get anything out of you because you haven't got anything, and they know it. She said it's noneof your business, all you need to focus on is getting rid of stuff and moving. Since then, there was a meeting with H and me and landlords. Bascially it was between H and landlords but I was there as it was in my house! He put on the charm and amazingly, they bought it. He even said at one point, he didn't want to let me down and leaned over to squeeze my knee and wink at me! I was like :wtf: ????

anyway he made a payment plan with them- and so far has kept to his word. SIL said to him- she told me- that he should be helping me too- but typical, not a penny. whatever. I will do this on my own. All those promises- I'll help you- just words. Words no longer do it for me. Just actions. 

So I am busy selling loads of crap on gumtree and ebay. Have got rid of loads, still have some bits but the worst is the treadmill to get rid off. It doesn't work right and all the tinkering I am doing with it isn't helping so far. H wanted it- and lord knows he has never deprived himself of anything- so he went and got the best. I dont even know what that thing cost, thousands probably. Nordictrack. and now I am left to get rid of it and probably get nothing for it!

Now the housing sitch is a little bit up in the air. I can't remember if I said that I decided not to take the house I had originally planned to move to. I just couldn't afford it. I was having panic attacks worrying about raising the rest of the deposit and the rent. In the end, I had to pass. I let him keep the partial deposit. SIL says I am too soft. yeah I guess I am!

Amazing how much I've cleared. H has been here a couple times to take stuff- and in the end he takes very little. last time he was here he took a stuffed hippo we bought together years ago- we named him Hastings- I was going to sell him at a car boot, but H wanted him. :scratchhead: h also took a framed pic of the two of us at the races. ?? My mentor says he is feeling nostalgic. Maybe. When he is here, i am all business. It's like- do you want this? can this be fixed? what is this, can I sell it? etc. talk is kept small. I no longer ask questions about him and the skank. Too much emotional energy on my part. I only call when I have to now, and then I keep it brief. He tries to extend the conversation now. I know he is unhappy. He spends his evenings in the pub. Clearly can't stand being with the ho. His fault for letting her stay, he should have sent her packing. But I don't give advice. Easier to keep my mouth shut! 

So it's a weird situation now. H says to landlords how amicable we are. He is lucky. Very lucky. Not everyone would be as "amicable" as I have been. My motivation- him paying the rent and helping me, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I learned that getting angry and raging at him just sucks up energy I don't have. And it doesn't resolve anything. Easier for me to keep things calm. I am not doing any of this for anyone but me. I take care of myself and my emotional energy. He is on the periphery for me. 

My mentor says he will soon be trying to wheedle his way back in. That is not going to happen without an awful lot of therapy on his part, enough to make him a decent human being. At the moment, I don't find him attractive at all. I believe I have truly detached. I don't think of him. I don't call him unless I have to. Sometimes I hate him, but mostly I just feel sorry for him- I know, too soft- and I know this is going to be the making of me. Already I have grown so much and am learning more and more what I am made of. 

I am very protective of myself now and will not let myself be put in a position where someone gets a free ride and I am a doormat. Those days are gooonnnnnne

ok back to the house sitch. So after that whole debacle, I realise what I need is to share a house. There are loads of house shares out there but no one wants pets. SIL says what about her ex bf? He has a big house, lives nearish my SIL and nephews. He likes animals. The big problem- is that he has been living on his own for a loooong time and his house is a tip. And I don't mean just a few newspapers piled up. I'm talking engines and parts of engines, a couple broken motorbikes, a broken fridge (He says " it's a good fridge" SIL, who knows what he's like, says "yeah and it doesn't work!!" The house is FULL of broken crap!!! Upstairs three bedrooms, full of crap- I mean, you can't open the door to the spare rooms. The outside garden is full of crap, as are the two sheds. So he was very open and said he is tired of living this way- and thinks it would be nice to share- and we can split the bills- so he seems very keen. He knows the whole place will have to be pretty near gutted. SIL and nephews have said they will help clear the place. IT's not perfect, but once clear- tho tbh I dont know if he will get rid of the pool table in the kitchen- there is a goodish amount of room. 

I know it will be a good thing for him- he will get his house back and won't be ashamed to have people over- and i am quite good at making a place homely, and don't mind doing some cooking-so it's a win for him. AND as I am in this limbo situation of no job yet, this will give me a chance to get back on my feet. He has met my dog and loves cats. It's just a bit daunting how much has to be done! 

I have done another CV course and am feeling much more confident, this coming on the back of the interview skills course, so I am very confident now of getting a job. Plus, not having a huge rent to pay really helps. It means I can take a part time job or temp job just to get started. We will sit down and write out a proper agreement- but he said if we could split the bills and food that would be a big help for him. 

So I apologise for not being on here often- and sorry for the big panic meltdown from last time!!!!! Probably won't be on much now until I am moved. I don't know when I will be moving but my last day here is Sept 30.

I am back at yoga and that's good. I have also discovered EFT. When I was having a panic over the house, I dug out something on EFT or tapping- my anxiety was at a 10 and after a few minutes tapping, I dropped to a 5. Amazing!! Despite my limboland life- I am pretty happy. As soon as I dropped the house, I felt huge relief. and since then, despite a lot of not knowing what is going to happen- I know I will be fine. I have the odd wobble and then just get on with what I have to do. I have learned so so much about myself and life. Those last few years of marriage were pretty miserable for me. Now I have a chance to rebuild myself!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Gadzooks, Chopsy, you are really putting it all together, girl!

You are doing all the right things, And your mentor is right, your H will eventually start trying to wheedle his way back into your heart and into the bed.

Are you prepared for that day?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Tbh BW I doubt very much that will happen. But you're right, my mentor has said it a few times- that as I am getting myself together and taking better care of me, the more attractive I am to him, who is unhappy and has pretty much destroyed his life. Look I'm not saying he won't try, after all I am looking awesome!  But it won't be so easy this time, I am very protective of myself now He was very upset when I ditched the big house!!- maybe he thought he was going to bunk in with me or have weekends away from the ho? It's my life to do as I see fit, for me, and me only. 

When I look back at my "perfect" marriage (what I thought it was just after dday), I am amazed at how I didn't see it for it was. I was so busy plastering cracks! and codependent much? I am never ever going back to that. EVER! If he truly wants to try with me and is remorseful and all that good stuff, he will have to PROVE it, not just words- and he will need to be facing up to himself and what he has done, as well as being in therapy and working at it. I don't like who he is, I have no respect for him, I don't even find him attractive anymore. The old wink and squeeze ain't gonna cut it anymore! 

Words will no longer cut it alone. I'm all about the actions. I deserve to be treated like a queen, not some disposable bit of crap. I look forward to a relationship built on respect, love, and honour, but I doubt very much it will be with him. There is no going back to what once was. if he is really serious about me then he should be prepared to back it up with actions- starting with dating (no just jumping back in the sack with little old codependent me! She no longer exists, thank god and goddess!! And lots and lots and lots of true remorse (guilt ain't good enough- guilt is all about how bad HE feels!!) and therapy and transpparency etc. At one point I thought he would one day be capable of this, but I highly doubt it now. I said to him once I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and appreciates me- he looked abit guilty and shamefaced. Well he should! he gave me up, without even a word or a fight. I still believe mid life crisis is driving him, which is the only reason I would even consider a relationship with him- but as I stated, there are alot of hoops he would have to jump and prove himself a worthy partner. I will no longer sell myself short!!!!!!!!!

so yeah I am prepared! :smthumbup:

BW it is sooooo good to hear from you!!! Thanks for checking in, I imagine your time is very short online. lots of love and stay safe xox


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Yes, Chops, time on-line here is tough, we all fight over access to it, yesterday a fist fight broke out because we caught one guy looking at HornyHousewives.com when we were all waiting to e-mail children, etc. Selfish git.

It certainly sounds like you are in a much better place than you were a few short months ago, your self-esteem has sky-rocketed and your H's life is in ruins. Yes, perhaps a classic mid-life crisis but you are so right to have extremely strong wickets he would have to pass through before you'd dream of letting him back into your life. But never say never, eh?

Off to the races, we're flying tonite, as David Bowie would say, "commencing countdown, engines on, check ignition, and may God's love be with you."

Talk to you soon, Chopsy, hang tough, some man will be lucky to have you some day soon.

BW


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You sound good, Chops! i’m so glad your housing is settled. Turn that pigsty into a palace! 

Your H is going to realize what an idiot he is.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had a great weekend at the annual family event we call the VGO- video game Olympics! I'm not much of a gamer myself, but I do try. The event was first set up by my H who was invited. He didn't show and called his sister saying he was feeling too miserable. She told me, and I thought yeah posOW has him by the balls! She really didn't want him to come, because of me! Later in the afternoon, he came. Too late to join in. I know it must have been tough to show up, first family event in a year. I avoided him much of the time he was there, I could see right away who turned up-his "fake social self" who likes to pretend to be a "big man", offering to pay for the pizzas we had ordered. I hate that so much. "I Am a big man and will buy you pizza!" so quick to put his hand in his pocket for anyone else, just not me. whatever. I can see through that act totally. It just annoyed me so I stayed out of the way. Kudos to my nephew for inviting him in the first place. Not many would have. 

Came joint last with someone who left half a day early LOL I am crap at games, oh well! It was a laugh, had a grand time with family, hanging with my nephew and wife's wee baby boy, born three months early, he is now a year and a half, still a bit slow developmentally, but starting to say words and trying to walk. He is such a smiley baby! Since I was out first in many of the games, I did a bit of babysitting and playing with all his cool toys. 

H has since messaged me, he will come by wednesday or Thursday to help with whatever needs doing. 

Oh and I went to see the house, how S is getting on with clearing. He has done some, still lots yet to do. We talked money, he said lets split the bills and that's cool. Also if I can help with the clearing and redecorating, because, my god, not only is the house a tip, it is in desperate need of redecorating! He is really looking forward to me moving in, saying how nice it will be to have someone around, which is reassuring to me, that he wasn't just doing this to get back in with my SIL. 

I'm going to start packing this week, have loads of boxes, and start taking over a load a few days this week. Suddenly have so much to get on with!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Wow, Chops, sounds like you had a splendid weekend, family and babies and pizza, doesn't get any better than that. Sounds like things are really comijng together with your new house, you gonna throw a house-warming party at the new crib? Booze and house plants!

H sounds like a real piece of work. Have you figured out if he and his main squeeze (girlfriend) are still together? He sounds really unhappy with his life, probably regrets the shyt out of what he's done. I hope he shows up to help you as promised.

Don't forget to sprinkle some magic powder in the new house, say some incantation, stir up a cauldron of eye of newt, tail of dragon.

BW


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I think him and his posOW are still residing at the same place. But as he said, not together. Shame he didn't just pack her back off to where she came from. Not exactly sure why she is there- she is clearly very controlling and he falls for her manipulations. I guess her being pg and no doubt putting on the manipulations did it. tho he is not happy. In fact he is blimmin miserable. He was texting me from the pub earlier this evening, still out drinking in the pub every evening, presumably to get away from the evil skank. 

Coming up to a year since d day. I plan to be mostly packing boxes! maybe I will do something fun- oh just realised that will be thursday which is yoga night, aka get the sh1t beaten out of me night. Hey ho. Once moved, I plan to be out socialising, trains and buses into town, able to have a few drinks and relax, no murderously expensive taxi back to the sticks! So will definitely be out celebrating my one year survival! pretty proud of myself too! 

Just have the treadmill left to get rid of. That will be the last of the clear out. I started packing today. Bit overwhelming how much yet to do, but I won't worry, just get on with it, and remember how my SIL moves- basically doesn't do a thing until moving day, then a rush job of packing and chucking everything into bin bags! 

I'm going to start hauling stuff up to the new house. and I'll be lashing the whip if he hasn't cleared enough crap out!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Can't say I feel too sorry for him


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I don't feel sorry for him either, but, Jesus, what an existence, hiding in the pub so he won't have to be with his knocked-up POSOW. Like I said a few posts ago, at some point he will come crawling back like a lizard. You ever see the Simpson's episode where Marge makes Homer go live in the treehouse out back and after a few days he knocks on the door and says, Marge, I'm sorry, I'm starving, my clothes are in rags and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman?

If I were moving like you I'd probably get liquored up while I was doing it, one drink per box packed, after a few hours you'll be facedown on the carpet with tape stuck all over you.

BW


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, speak to us, darling!


BW


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Chopsy, I do hope you come back and update us. I just finished your thread last night. I'm at the beginning of my journey but your thread has been very inspiring. I hope all is well with you.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Hopeful, how very kind of you! I'm glad you've found something of use there!

Thanks Conrad and BW for checking in.  appreciate it very much xox

Well, finally, an update. I've moved in with my new housemate, my SIL's ex bf. He is one of these guys who never throws anything out so there are piles of crap everywhere, metal bits,screws and what not on every surface. SIL came over every day after work, bless her heart, to clean the place out. This guy has lived on his own WAAAAY too long. He's a good guy, easy going, likes my dog and cats, doesn't care much about money, tho once I'm working I want to split the bills at the very least. 

Anyway I'm in, and just trying to find room for everything. Im planning on painting my bedroom and the kitchen, which is a ghastly neon yellow. The bedroom has hideous wallpaper. As soon as I'm sorted, I'll be getting the paintbrush out. 

As I'm not working yet, I'm happy to do the cleaning and what not, but when I'm back working, we will be setting up a rule change. 

The move took two days and was a bit of a nightmare. Typical move drama. On the first day, h was supposed to show up to help. Turns out he got stopped by the police for no insurance, tax, or mot (car inspection). I had said before to him you are bound to get pulled over sometime, but he didn't listen. And then he had a flat. Karma bus anyone? He did show up and helped with the move which I appreciate, plus is going to deal with the deposit situation which I am very grateful for as I cannot stand the landlord. She's a total nightmare so I am very relieved to not have to deal with her. 

It's ten minutes walk to my SIL's so that's cool.

Two days before the move, I had an interview and was offered the job on the spot. It's social care, and requires driving around to people's homes. 

I've got a small problem as the day of the move, I went back to clean the house. Then I went to hand the house keys over, and somehow dropped my Saab key fob, which has the chip and is required to start the car. Several trips back and a metal detector have not found it. So my job is on ice till I get the car sorted, as the job requires me to do a lot of driving, not just to and from work. They are happy to wait for me, thankfully. The problem is that I will have to pay for a new ignition system and reprogramming. Which will cost £450 which I don't have. 

I've got no one to ask, H said he's broke, SIL and friends are just getting by. So I'm thinking of trying to find another job so I can try and earn the money required. So far no luck. So my car is still back at the old house and I'm getting grief from them, but that's tough on them. Not much I can do now. 

I'm still thinking that fob is going to turn up. I just hope its soon and not a year from now. I'm trying to be positive about it and am shocked I still haven't found it. 

If it doesn't, I will still get that car sorted somehow!! 

Getting excited about Halloween. I'm going to go as Bride of Chucky. Shame I dyed my hair brown, otherwise I'd be set with blonde hair and roots! LOL I'm going to cut up my wedding dress for it, wear my leather biker. Got my dress out, it's about three sizes too big!! LOL going to belt that in, should be ok. 

Learning my house mate has terrible taste in tv, just non stop American rubbish! Jk.  eh not really...all reality crap, cars cars and more cars. 

But we're getting on fine. The cats and dog are pretty settled now too.

BW, I love that episode. Yeah that will definitely be my H. He is so freakin miserable with psychob1tch. Unfortunately she has his balls on a chain around her neck, I'll bet she tells him what to wear each day, she is so controlling! LOL


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

:rofl:Oh and I thought I'd share a pattern I've noticed. Whenever H calls me, he is in the car. Always in the car. Or pub. LOL seems posOW is a bit insecure, doesn't like H calling me in front of her! LMAO :rofl:

Sorry that amused me. 

Not sure if I told you thus but we had a family video games party awhile ago that we like to call the video games Olympics. Annual event. H was the one to start it all those years ago. 

Anyway he promised to come. First family event he has been to in over a year. Doesn't show. SIL calls, he tells her he is feeling miserable. PosOW doesn't want him to go. Eventually he shows, in the evening. Turns out posOW doesn't want him to be here because of little ole me! LMAO and then I see FB pics of a fancy hotel, turns out she she insisted on coming so he wouldn't stay over at my nephew's (who hosted) and fall prey to my inestimable charms. :lol: H actually told me all of the above! 

LOLOLOLOLOL!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

I find it sooooooo funny that she is soooooo freakin insecure! Pathetic pos. :rofl::rofl:


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Relationships that start like theirs usually have a lot of insecurity. The grass isn't always greener. I suspect your husband is figuring that out. I'm glad you and your pets have a new home. Sounds like you have a big project on your hands to make that place homey. Sorry about your key fob. Sending helpful thoughts your way that you find it.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy, great to get updated on your struggles and triumphs. 

Looking back over your earlier posts, you have really come a long way - you've moved into a nice place that you're happy with, you've got a job lined up, albeit with car issues, a decent roomate, H is miserable - it doesn't get any better than this, Chops, you're living the dream.

Sounds like H is hiding from PosOW if he's always in the car or the pub, not a good sign for him/them. 

Like I said before, kid, only a matter of time, he'll come slithering back like a serpent. And post a picture of you as Bride of Chucky.

BW


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Hopeful, thanks for stopping by! Yes I do believe he is realising what he's done. Recently he said to his sister, my SIL who I am very close with, "Chopsy is really quite nice isn't she!" to which SIL said, yes she is! 

I know he's not happy. I've learned so very much over the last year. I'm happy being me. Despite the lost car key fob,despite sharing with a messy hoarder of a housemate. My H wasn't happy even when with me. He is not happy with himself and no doubt thought it was my fault and decided to try with someone else. 

Tbh, I want only the best for him. He has suffered plenty already. His gf screams and yells and is very controlling and has a nasty temper, as well as being very aggressive. These are H's words.i feel sorry for him.

I have long forgiven him. He's a mess.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BW yes I really have come a long way. I rarely sit in the victim chair and then only for a few minutes. I'm a completely different person now. Stronger, happier, braver. I wouldn't want to go through this again but it has been the making of me. I'm very proud of how far I have come! No more false modesty for me! 

Meanwhile H is very miserable living with psychob1tcn. I have forgiven him and told him that yesterday. I think he is truly amazed at how much I've changed. No longer a needy, weepy, sad depressed victim "poor me"! I now know its up to me to remake my life. And I will. 

I have a feeling he is sticking it out with the pschob1tch, thinking he should try to make this work. But it won't work. As Hopeful said, these relationships never last. Or maybe he is sticking it out until the baby is born. I don't know what will happen. I do expect one day he will come back. But unless he really means it and is willing to jump the hopes I set out for him, I won't even consider it. I have so much more self respect now. Time will tell. But who knows, maybe I will meet someone? Or decide I'm not interested? Right now I'm just happy being me and living the single life.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Chopsy, I'm reading a book suggested by you in the beginning of this thread. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Only a couple of pages in and I like it already. Even though he's still here (He's supposed to leave in a couple of days.). I have been abandoned by him emotionally years ago. No amount of trying on my part could bring him back. I'm ready to start my journey. I've spent to much time already in the victims chair. I'm getting up for me and my children. I hope I can be happy with myself again like you. Did you find your key fob?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, you are amazing! BW is right. You have come a long way. Your confidence just glows right off my computer screen!

Hope the fob turns up. I just had a quick word with St. Anthony, the Catholic saint associated with the return of lost items, about it. Hopefully he was listening!


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi, Chops, read your latest post twice, was amazed at how upbeat it sounded, so full of vigor and confidence. 

Good for you, sweetie, send out another post when you can, they are uplifting to the rest of us poor souls.

BW


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Hey Chopsy. Life on the other side is good isn't it.

You're so much closer to full independence now and that is great to see.

I set fire to my victim chair. I still try to sit in it from time to time buut its no longer the comfy place it was.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks so much for your kind words Frosy, Hopeful, BW and NM. xox

Well I have finally blocked him on FB. Saw him tonight gushing about his wh0re, saying to my SIL what a great auntie she will be. The wh0re gushing back. 

Enough. I don't need that crap. Blocked em both. So tempted to have a good rage at him, but not worth it. So not worth it. 

For the record I am convinced his posOW is flaming BPD. Enjoy! 

Have also texted SIL to not reveal any info about me. I know he calls her for info on me. He aint getting anything on me anymore. He does not deserve to be privy to information regarding me or my life. I also need to tell the boys, as H calls them now and then. 

For those :scratchhead::scratchhead: wondering why I had H on FB, well long story. Me being nice, his request. Yep, call it stupid. Over now, so over. 

As for my car, a friend has offered to help me and I will pay back the loan. So with any luck I will be on the road some time next week. And with any luck, at work soon after! I still have to fill in some forms. 

As for the house, well I don't know if it will ever be home. It's someone else's house. But I've unpacked almost everything now. SIL and nephews came up the other day and helped me get loads in the loft and sorted. 

I'm not ovely happy about my life at the moment, but I accept it for what it is. I am proud of myself for overcoming so much on my own. 

I am not ready for a relationship, tho I do miss it a lot, but one day I hope to find someone who will truly cherish me and appreciate me. 

Feeling sad and rather low at the moment. Didn't think my heart could hurt any more.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Why is your heart hurting tonight, Chopsy Honey? Because of what you saw on FB? You must know that anyone reading that knows exactly what kind of people those two are. 

I’m glad you blocked them. You don’t need that garbage dragging you down.

One day, that special someone will find you and this will all be a bad dream. A bad dream that resulted in the emergence of a self-confident, beautiful Chopsy.

Hug


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

As always, Chopsy, I agree with Frostflower.

Think of this as a minor setback. In a few days it will fade into the black hole of H's misery factor. I was fortunate in that Frostine blocked ME early on with FB, presumably because she didn't want me to see her ridiculous flirtations and mooning. This was partly becasue I used to occasionally comment on things I saw on her FB - I once told her that if you read her FB, there was absolutley nothing on there to indicate she was married. 

My brother says no heterosexual male over 30 should be hanging around Facebook anyways.....


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: empowering myself to be me*

So not worth it. 


Possibly the smallest sentence in your post Chopsy but maybe the biggest too.

You have made so much progress. So you recognise you have a ways to go, that's good too. You have every right to be proud of yourself! 

As for relationships and being happy. The two of course don't always go together. But I believe in fate to a point. I think when you are ready, life presents opportunity. You just have to have the guts to take it when it comes. No need to search or force anything to happen till then.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Its been a week, Chopsy. How are you doing?


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Chopsy: 
Congrats to you for taking a huge step forward and you are my inspiration!!!! I am alot like you, low self-esteem, afraid of what everyone thinks about me. Your words are encouraging and i think I may just get that book you are talking about as well!!! 
Keep smiling!!!


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