# My Wife hates my family too....



## SeekingWifesTrust

...and that is why she does not trust me. I love her deeply and want things to return to what it was just a short time ago.

core of the problem:

I have already disowned my mother due to issues with my wife and recently had a problem where I allowed my uncle's wife to stop by our apartment two weeks ago. The original plan was for my 4.5 months pregnant wife and I to meet my uncle's wife from Seattle with her daughter and daughter's friend who are looking at colleges in NYC. We were going to go to a small dessert shop, but it turned out that getting a seat would be impossible, so my uncle's wife suggested coming to our apartment instead. My wife had a cold, but was not horribly ill - she already agreed to come out after all. My uncle's wife did ask if that would be ok given that my wife was pregnant and not feeling 100%. This was my huge blunder.

I asked my wife if it was ok for them to come - I did say that it was 1000% cool to say no. She gave me a really angry look, but said it was ok, so I told my uncle's wife it was ok. Afterall, when I lived in California, they let me stay at their house 20 times or so overnight. After I hung up - World War ****ing III. "You should have said NO! You have a sick pregnant wife. Have you no consideration? And the nerve of your uncle's wife to invite herself! She just lost a lot of points. If you ask me if it is ok, then you are making me the one who has to say no - making me the bad guy!" 

Then I was put cleaning duty since they would be coming in two hours. I went on a cleaning rampage - even put the couch cushion covers in the washer and dryer to remove all dog fur and any faint dog smell there may have been. I went out to get fancy cupcakes and drinks for our guests. I thought my wife was overreacting - I thought the house was just fine and that we need not do anything that takes longer than 5 minutes to prepare. She is incapable of that - she only shows the house if it is utterly spotless and she can be a good hostess. I really screwed up I guess. 

When they arrived, we had our game faces on and they stayed for about 90 minutes and left.

Yesterday after a nice Japanese dinner out, we were taking a taxi home and she brought this situation up again. She mentioned my uncle's wife had been so rude to suggest coming to my apartment where my pregant wife was - I always thought she was nice enough and had hosted me many times, so I defended her a little bit. Things escalated and it became a huge fight. Now my wife is furious and does not trust me because I defended another non blood family member that I see once every 3 or 4 years that I never thought of as rude. I am supposed to always be on her side 100%. I get that now. I have apologized, but I think I may have crossed the Rubicon. She is telling me that she has nobody on her side anymore. She is threatening to go back to Japan to have the baby there. She has been crying and sulking all day - my birthday - yay.

********

Further background - We decided to get married in OCtober of 2010. My wife generally hates to be around my mother for a number of justifiable reasons. I initially defended my mother (HUGE ERROR!), but eventually it became indefensible. When I announced our marriage, my mother said she wished I would not marry my wife. Things escalated rapidly to the point where she called my wife a b**ch and a c**t. I banned my mother for life. My initially defending my mother has been a source of tension to this day - and is probably part of the reason for my wife having a short fuse with any other member of my family.

WHat to do to get her trust back - trust that I am her number one partner and that nobody comes before her?


----------



## EleGirl

Are there other times when your wife demands that you 'be on her side'? Or was it only these two times?


----------



## SeekingWifesTrust

Pretty much these two times. Outside of dealing with my family there is only one other issue. I do next to no housework. I go to work from 6:00am to about 745pm. She is a housewife. So I come home to a nice homecooked meal and I have to walk the dog, so there is very little down time to even consider housework. On the weekends we always have date night (though less often now that the pregnancy makes her less up to it). We do no housework over the weekends. She is crying right now in the bedroom and sulking - like she knows the marriage is over. She has done so much to support me (BIG TIME) and feels I have betrayed her with no support.


----------



## EleGirl

I assume that you are the sole breadwinner? If you are and you work long hours then it makes sense that you do little to no housework.

That might have to change once you have a baby. She will need down time where you take care of the baby and so a few things to help.

Why do you work 13 hours a day.

IMHO, she's making too much out of this thing with your aunt. In the future don't put her on the spot about inviting people over... she's not a relaxed person.

She is also pregnant. So she might be reacting much more than she normally would. Why not make her a cup of tea, or whatever she likes to drink and take it to her. Then go lay down with her and hold her, tell her you love her, ETC.


----------



## SeekingWifesTrust

Yes - sole breadwinner - I edited the post above to indicate that. She generally does not complain that I do not do housework, but she gets a strong sense that I will not be helping much with the baby on arrival. That is why she wants to go back to Japan where her support network is. We were originally planning on flying her parents here to help with the newborn while I am at work.

"In the future don't put her on the spot about inviting people over... she's not a relaxed person."

Point taken. Part of our argument last night was me saying, "Fine I will always say no because I never know what the correct answer is and 'no' is much safer."

13 hours per day of work - I quit my job at an investment bank because pay is rapidly declining. I went to a hedge fund where there is still some juice. My new job started in October. I still need to make a strong impression because job volatility is extremely high and a lot of hungry people would love to replace me. I am not wealthy though - I had a lot of school debt after my phd with my job starting in August 2005. 2007-2009 were very bad years for me and I am now recovering.


I have tried lying down in bed with her telling her how much I love her. She doesn't seem to care...they are just words afterall - not actions - like I said, the trust that I have her back 100% is gone. We have a big fight usually once every 4 months or so - not sure if that is normal or not...but this time it seems more serious.


----------

