# Need Help...we keep going around in circles



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

My husband and I are in counseling to try and overcome our issues with finance. We were doing pretty well for awhile until this week. 

A little background: We both work, he makes double what I do. We have two kids. About 7 years ago he was doing all the finances, checkbook, etc. (I know bad idea). I decided to get involved and shortly thereafter found out he had been gambling and losing a lot of our money. We went through a very difficult time, counseling etc. but have moved past this and have had a better time of it. But what we can't get past is our differences on spending and finances. 

We pretty much don't spend a lot (me less than him), but decided to take a vacation this year..in a few months. We paid off half of it and still have half on a credit card (2k). My husband gets a salary but has commission checks quarterly. When he got the last commission check last month, we decided we would use it to pay off the rest of the vacation. 

I am linked to mint.com which tracks our spending etc. A week ago I got a notice that we had overspent on clothes to the tune of $800+ this month. I brought it up to him, but he brushed it off. I was thinking that maybe mint had miscategorized some of the "clothing" items so I went into our account and checked. It was actually $900 that was spent on clothes. (I probably spent $100 of that) I thought that was excessive and was upset that he spent this without paying off the vacation first. I sent him a text just confirming that we had spent this much just as a "heads up". 

This turned into a HUGE fight, including him telling me I shouldn't be addressing this while he's at work, and him showing me later that day just what he had bought for all the money (clothes for kids, himself and me). I told him that wasn't the point...the point is that we haven't paid the vacation off and he is spending the extra money on other stuff. He always has an answer for any spending I question...usually that "well all our bills are paid" and "I'm going to be getting more money in 3 months".

He also told me if you don't like how I'm handling it, you take over the finances, to which I told him that we both have to do it so we both know what is going on. 

I'll admit that sometimes I have been on his case about spending lesser amounts, and I have learned to let that stuff go. Probably a kick back to the time we went through with the gambling stuff and credit card debt...I felt like I had to keep a close watch. 

By the way, we have a retirement plan but are WAY behind for our age. We have a small emergency fund but nothing where it should be. I have argued this point before too, but he just doesn't feel the same way about it that I do. 

Anyway we are now fighting again and I don't see any end to this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like your husband may have simply replaced a gambling addiction with a spending addiction. His overreactions to your questioning suggest that he is covering up -- somewhere deep down he feels guilty but denial is pushing him to react in anger because he has not faced that he has a problem.



> He also told me if you don't like how I'm handling it, you take over the finances, to which I told him that we both have to do it so we both know what is going on.


Nice in theory, but you can't trust a spending addict to manage finances. So in a way he's right -- you should take charge. At least he's letting you put everything on Mint as opposed to hiding it from you (although it couldn't hurt to make sure -- maybe you can sign both of you up for a credit reporting/protection service and then you'll find out if he opens any other cards).

Also, if you think I'm correct and he has a spending problem, encourage him to seek help. There are groups for that.

I also think you need to be firm about your budget. "We spend x much per month on clothing. I don't care if it's for me, you or the kid. I'm returning everything over that amount, so choose what you want to keep."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Another suggestion: stop paying for vacations on credit. Instead, have an account where you put away a certain amount per month toward vacations, and you don't get to take a vacation until you've saved enough. Vacations are not a necessity.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you & your children? How long have you been married?

Your funds are tight as you are putting your vacation on credit. You should not purchase anything that you cannot afford on your credit cards.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi John

Thanks for your response. You bring up an interesting point with the addiction. The problem with my husband is he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with his spending...in fact he feels entitled to it because he makes good money and gets commissions, etc.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi Roselyn,

Kids are 9 and 11. We've been married 18 years. The only reason we put part of the vacation on credit card was to get it booked before prices went up...then we planned to pay it off that month with his commission check.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Do you actually have a detailed monthly budget that you've worked out together? When you have that it can save a lot of arguments -- you just point to the budget and say "We agreed to spend this much."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bluezone said:


> Hi John
> 
> Thanks for your response. You bring up an interesting point with the addiction. The problem with my husband is he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with his spending...in fact he feels entitled to it because he makes good money and gets commissions, etc.


Of course this way of thinking is wrong, but you don't need me to tell you that. No matter what your means are, you have to stay within them. There is no such thing as "I can spend whatever I want because I make good money." Think of all the athletes and entertainers who make tens of millions per year and still wind up broke because they don't manage their money well.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi John,

I have made up budgets before and he has stuck to them begrudgingly. Right now we kind of just pay the bills (out of all our money), then whatever is left we spend. 401K is taken out at work, etc. Then he gets commission checks quarterly, so when that money comes in we usually allocate it to something we need like house repairs, vacation, or something like furniture, etc. and we also keep some aside in case we run short on any month. 

There has to be a better way to do this so I don't lose my mind and he is ok with it. Maybe an allowance fund for both of us so we know exactly what we can spend on "non necessity" items? Not sure if this would help, but willing to try...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bluezone said:


> Hi John,
> 
> I have made up budgets before and he has stuck to them begrudgingly. Right now we kind of just pay the bills (out of all our money), then whatever is left we spend. 401K is taken out at work, etc. Then he gets commission checks quarterly, so when that money comes in we usually allocate it to something we need like house repairs, vacation, or something we need like furniture, etc. and we also keep some aside in case we run short on any month.
> 
> There has to be a better way to do this so I don't lose my mind and he is ok with it. Maybe an allowance fund for both of us so we know exactly what we can spend on "non necessity" items?


That's a pretty good idea. Each of you gets a discretionary amount for whatever you want, separate funds, no argument about how it's spent. 

If you're paying the bills, contributing to 401k and not getting into or carrying debt (I'm not clear whether you are), you're not doing too badly. If retirement savings is the concern, up the 401k contribution, and that will force you and him to spend less. 

WRT the vacation, I still think it wouldn't be a bad idea to force yourself to save until you have enough to pay for it rather than pay on credit. The slight one-time savings in price does not seem to have been worth it here, and in the long run if you have the money set aside, you'll be ready to pounce on the cheaper deal with cash rather than relying on credit.


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