# Desperately need advice before I make a huge mess.



## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

Long story, TL;DR, high level overview…12 years ago I was a coward. I shamefully married my wife and had great feelings for another person…one who I considered “the one.”
Fast forward to today, my wife and I have a dwindling relationship, sexless, emotionless, roommate type feelings. I’ve asked for counseling, she thinks it’s for quacks.
I’m feeling the relationship draw to an end and ever since then, I find myself thinking very hard about the one. I’m at the point where I want to confess to her but I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of her dismissing me or ignoring me. Please give me a reason to NOT write the one before I ruin multiple lives. Or should I?
Thanks!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Is "the one" married? Has she moved on with her life? If you are going to confess you are in love, or lust, or whatever-you-care-to-name-it with another woman, I'd highly suggest you discuss divorce with your wife first.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Is "the one" married? Has she moved on with her life? If you are going to confess you are in love, or lust, or whatever-you-care-to-name-it with another woman, I'd highly suggest you discuss divorce with your wife first.


Thank you for your reply. No, she is not married. Has she moved on? I don’t know…and I have discussed divorce with my wife. It’s on its way. I’m not sure if the one would even appreciate me telling her.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Banish thoughts of the other woman as "the one." Listen to a country song called _Unanswered Prayers_ about the one who got away. Count all the blessings in your marriage & then double down on making your marriage work. Try getting your wife to therapy on the grounds that you need it & she'd be doing you a huge favor. It's how I got DH to therapy & then once in it he finally saw the value.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Thank you for your reply. No, she is not married. Has she moved on? I don’t know…and I have discussed divorce with my wife. It’s on its way. I’m not sure if the one would even appreciate me telling her.


Regardless if the "one" is available or not, YOU aren't to your wife.

Do that woman a favor and set her free.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I really hope there's no kids involved here


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I prefer life nice, neat, and tidy. So my advice to you would be to end your marriage first. Then, if you still feel so inclined, get in touch with the other woman.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another heartbreaking story of a person who didn’t marry ‘the one’. The Wife must feel her entire life has been wasted, she must feel so undesirable and so sad. What a lousy marriage, all a lie.

You don’t need to confess anything, I assure you she knows and feels how little you feel for her. She’s known it all along, and if she hasn’t cried and cried and told you this, believe me she’s collapsing in the bed when you’re not around. Crying in the shower where you can’t hear her.

Her best years stolen. Her beauty hidden from the world, yet rejected by you. Chained to you. Her marriage is a farce.

Please kindly divorce The Wife and keep her in your prayers. No really, pray that the fella upstairs will send her a man who yearns for her. You put a bird in a cage, clipped it’s wings. I wonder if she’ll ever sing again or know that someone else won’t hide her light from the world.


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

You have been together for 12 years this is not an insignificant time. Yeah there have been ups and downs but you are acting as if you are still 12 years younger and the world stayed exactly the same, over that long period of time. 
Another thing is if you have children I am sure they would be happier if their parents found some form of happiness together rather than a bitter horrible divorce. Remember in a divorce no one wins and the biggest losers are the children. Trust me my father is a divorce lawyer and he has destroyed more lives than he has helped with divorce. 
You have now fixated on this dream of some girl you probably never really knew and it seems like a better option than where you are at now. Trust me she is not what you think she is and who can say you wouldn't be in the exact same spot you are in now with her if you had married her instead.
So I guess a big question is do you want the dream or the woman you spent 12 years with. Your relationship is fixable trust me. It will take you giving up the dream and living in the real world for one. Imagine from your wifes perspective even if you never mentioned this girl, she still knows she is second best in your eyes from day one of the marriage. 
If I were in your shoes I would ask her to have a do over and start from the beginning take her on fun and very different dates than the normal. Then I would sit down with her and ask her what needs she has that you have neglected.
Sex and attraction dwindle in a relationship because we feel like we cannot express what we truly need in a relationship.
My wife and I have been there it took me finally opening up to her and being vunerable and asking her what I was neglecting for her, then she asked me the same and we moved to a much better place where we both are happier than ever and never can imagine being with anyone else. Just yesterday my wife told me how lucky she feels that she found me because I am everything she never knew she wanted. This took me ditching my ego and my fantasies of other girls to get to this and her doing much the same. We both focused on eachother and what the other person needs and now we both of are happy and not miserable like we were a couple of years ago. 

I would like to help you and listen to your story. Message me if you like and I would be more than happy to help you and your relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Long story, TL;DR, high level overview…12 years ago I was a coward. I shamefully married my wife and had great feelings for another person…one who I considered “the one.”
> Fast forward to today, my wife and I have a dwindling relationship, sexless, emotionless, roommate type feelings. I’ve asked for counseling, she thinks it’s for quacks.
> I’m feeling the relationship draw to an end and ever since then, I find myself thinking very hard about the one. I’m at the point where I want to confess to her but I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of her dismissing me or ignoring me. Please give me a reason to NOT write the one before I ruin multiple lives. Or should I?
> Thanks!


Divorce your wife first. As I am sure this relationship with "the one" who you never even had the courage to tell at the time, will be like a fairy tail 12 years later, 12 years older, and after the fact. /s

Here is hoping you spoke to her in the 12 years.

Just like the other post, your poor wife. Here is hoping that women who posted almost the same exact thing is your wife, but I doubt it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

People like this remind me of those who get a puppy for Christmas, and then rehome or dump it 6 months later because it grows into a dog.

Instant gratification.

Why not get a puppy for Christmas it’ll be fun!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Long story, TL;DR, high level overview…12 years ago I was a coward. I shamefully married my wife and had great feelings for another person…one who I considered “the one.”
> Fast forward to today, my wife and I have a dwindling relationship, sexless, emotionless, roommate type feelings. I’ve asked for counseling, she thinks it’s for quacks.
> I’m feeling the relationship draw to an end and ever since then, I find myself thinking very hard about the one. I’m at the point where I want to confess to her but I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of her dismissing me or ignoring me. Please give me a reason to NOT write the one before I ruin multiple lives. Or should I?
> Thanks!


Your wife is likely emotionally protecting herself from you, since you seem to be wanting to end it. 
Have you tried courting her, like you did when you dating her? Maybe if she sees a sincere renewed interest that she might warm to you. She needs to know if you really love her.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

The grass is not greener somewhere else. Your poor wife! 12 years of her life wasted because you are fixated on a fantasy. Try some selfless rather than selfish behavior. I hope you don’t have kids. Also, to me it would be cruel and unnecessary to tell your wife about “the one”. What good does it do for her to know that? At least give her the courtesy to think that when you married her, she was the one. Others may not agree with that but if you are divorcing her anyway, why twist the knife in farther? 

If you have kids, it is worth trying to fix your marriage. If you don’t, then I guess you can divorce your wife and go hunting for the one. Just know that she is probably not the person she used to be, and you will in all likelihood be disappointed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How well do you know this OW? Did you ever date? How do you know she isn't married? Have you ever met her at nice you married? Why didn't you date/ marry the OW in the first place?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> There is no such thing as "the one". There are good ones, hot ones, fat ones, fun ones............but never the one. You settled for your wife, lots of people settle, but they end up where you are now.
> 
> You need to understand that all these years you've been thinking of your dream girl, she probably hasn't thought of you even once. She might not even recognize you if she saw you on a train. Yet all this energy towards some chick that you never even put the baloney pony to.
> 
> ...


Ah, the highly esteemed Dr. Dre who taught Snoop Doggy how to get down. Yes, he is really enjoying his divorce - especially having legal papers served to him at his Grandma's funeral. I'm sure one of his mistresses will console him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Long story, TL;DR, high level overview…12 years ago I was a coward. I shamefully married my wife and had great feelings for another person…one who I considered “the one.”
> Fast forward to today, my wife and I have a dwindling relationship, sexless, emotionless, roommate type feelings. I’ve asked for counseling, she thinks it’s for quacks.
> I’m feeling the relationship draw to an end and ever since then, I find myself thinking very hard about the one. I’m at the point where I want to confess to her but I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of her dismissing me or ignoring me. Please give me a reason to NOT write the one before I ruin multiple lives. Or should I?
> Thanks!


Don't even talk to your so called "one" until your are at least separated from your wife if that is the route you want to go. Your wife says no to counseling, but what will she say to divorce? Do you think she feels like you? I suspect your marriage has suffered because you've never been fully invested in it. What have you actually done so far to improve your current marriage?


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Don't even talk to your so called "one" until your are at least separated from your wife if that is the route you want to go. Your wife says no to counseling, but what will she say to divorce? Do you think she feels like you? I suspect your marriage has suffered because you've never been fully invested in it. What have you actually done so far to improve your current marriage?


Thanks for the reply. Reading through here, there are a lot of assumptions that I just felt like this overnight. That is on me for not giving context. My wife and I were happy for 10/12 years. I suffer from mental health issue related to military service and I do seek treatment via the VA and have since 2015. I'm much better now. My wife is depressed but isn't the type to seek treatment. She self-medicates with alcohol in abundance. Enough so to where I've pleaded with her to stop with me but it's her thing...can't make them. She has gotten physical while intoxicated. Never with the law involved but she has hit me twice. After each time she would go through a month of sobriety. FYI, we do not have kids. 

This has been a long time coming. I've asked for counseling. I've gone to counseling on my own, I've asked to her to speak directly about her feelings. I start and it ends with her saying "I know, I'm sorry...I know" but nothing really changes. 

As far as being more intimate, I've taken her on weekend getaways, I cook dinner, I run bubble baths, I give massages with no reciprocity wanted. I've cuddled, I've tried being more assertive, I've bought toys, clothes, etc. 

I'm honestly at the point that other than an ultimatum, I honestly don't know what else to try. 

As far as the one...we have stayed in contact, nothing more than high school friends, but lately I think back about the newness of a relationship and I am envious of people who have a healthy physical relationship, so I substitute my old flame for lack of intimacy now. 

I'm just...lost.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

Coloratura said:


> The grass is not greener somewhere else. Your poor wife! 12 years of her life wasted because you are fixated on a fantasy. Try some selfless rather than selfish behavior. I hope you don’t have kids. Also, to me it would be cruel and unnecessary to tell your wife about “the one”. What good does it do for her to know that? At least give her the courtesy to think that when you married her, she was the one. Others may not agree with that but if you are divorcing her anyway, why twist the knife in farther?
> 
> If you have kids, it is worth trying to fix your marriage. If you don’t, then I guess you can divorce your wife and go hunting for the one. Just know that she is probably not the person she used to be, and you will in all likelihood be disappointed.


See my latest reply for your questions. Assumptions made due to my lack of context given. Thanks.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> People like this remind me of those who get a puppy for Christmas, and then rehome or dump it 6 months later because it grows into a dog.
> 
> Instant gratification.
> 
> Why not get a puppy for Christmas it’ll be fun!


Helpful.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Another heartbreaking story of a person who didn’t marry ‘the one’. The Wife must feel her entire life has been wasted, she must feel so undesirable and so sad. What a lousy marriage, all a lie.
> 
> You don’t need to confess anything, I assure you she knows and feels how little you feel for her. She’s known it all along, and if she hasn’t cried and cried and told you this, believe me she’s collapsing in the bed when you’re not around. Crying in the shower where you can’t hear her.
> 
> ...


 LuckyLucky,
What a fantastically worded reply. Thanks for sharing. This is kind of how I feel in my marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> This has been a long time coming. I've asked for counseling. I've gone to counseling on my own, I've asked to her to speak directly about her feelings. I start and it ends with her saying "I know, I'm sorry...I know" but nothing really changes.
> 
> As far as being more intimate, I've taken her on weekend getaways, I cook dinner, I run bubble baths, I give massages with no reciprocity wanted. I've cuddled, I've tried being more assertive, I've bought toys, clothes, etc.
> 
> I'm honestly at the point that other than an ultimatum, I honestly don't know what else to try.


Suggestion: (1) Make an appointment with an attorney, and (2) file for divorce.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

JLCP said:


> LuckyLucky,
> What a fantastically worded reply. Thanks for sharing. This is kind of how I feel in my marriage.


While I agree it was well worded, the context I failed to provide has been given in a recent reply to BigDaddyNY. This is not at all accurate in our relationship. This hasn't been an on-going regret of a marriage.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Thanks for the reply. Reading through here, there are a lot of assumptions that I just felt like this overnight. That is on me for not giving context. My wife and I were happy for 10/12 years. I suffer from mental health issue related to military service and I do seek treatment via the VA and have since 2015. I'm much better now. My wife is depressed but isn't the type to seek treatment. She self-medicates with alcohol in abundance. Enough so to where I've pleaded with her to stop with me but it's her thing...can't make them. She has gotten physical while intoxicated. Never with the law involved but she has hit me twice. After each time she would go through a month of sobriety. FYI, we do not have kids.
> 
> This has been a long time coming. I've asked for counseling. I've gone to counseling on my own, I've asked to her to speak directly about her feelings. I start and it ends with her saying "I know, I'm sorry...I know" but nothing really changes.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you wife likely needs to be admitted to a detox program. They will offer counseling within the program and afterwards. I would recommend if you two ever go that route that no alcohol b e in the house from that point forward.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Suggestion: (1) Make an appointment with an attorney, and (2) file for divorce.


That's where I'm at, unfortunately. I just didn't want to get that far until I was positive I could do it guilt free, having tried as much as I can.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

JLCP said:


> Sounds like you wife likely needs to be admitted to a detox program. They will offer counseling within the program and afterwards. I would recommend if you two ever go that route that no alcohol b e in the house from that point forward.


I would love that. I've tried but I'll try again.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> I just didn't want to get that far until I was positive I could do it guilt free, having tried as much as I can.


If you're waiting to be "guilt free" you'll be stuck in this relationship forever. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. The thing is, the marriage is in the toilet. Your wife may be an alcoholic. But unless she honestly believes she is, no program will work for her. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> I would love that. I've tried but I'll try again.


Unfortunately, I know alot about this subject matter. You will need to do what is called an "intervention". This involves you and any other people close to your wife to confront her with her drinking problem along with the researched solution- which is an in-patient detox program that you have found. 
The path forward to getting someone to seek help is not being a co-dependant. That means stop shielding them from the consequences of their actions when they are drinking. The idea is that only when someone experiences the full negative consequences of their drinking will they be willing to seek treatment.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> I would love that. I've tried but I'll try again.


One of the things she would be counseled on would be the fact that she might not be able to mend bridges with some of her relationships. That might be true of your relationship with her. My personal opinion is that you should try to do your best to get her into detox and support her at least as a friend afterward because that is what I think marriage vows are about. I am not saying to stay with her forever but try to help her get well and then decide. Going that route fulfills the vow about taking the spouse "in sickness and in health". However, not all things can be forgiven, so It is up to you to decide if you want to forgive her. One thing that should be on the table for a consequence of her not seeking help is the termination of your marriage. I would present that scenario at the intervention. And, it may come to that if she does not seek help.
As far as this other woman is concerned I really think you should put that on the back burner as others have said and not mention it to your wife. Most people that date do not get married. Chances are that if you dated this other woman, nothing would come of it. There really is no reason to mention your attraction to this woman to your wife. Most people find someone else attractive during the course of a marriage. It is human natureNo reason to talk about it unless or until it is pursued.


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## Spookiestshowintown (Oct 24, 2021)

JLCP said:


> One of the things she would be counseled on would be the fact that she might not be able to mend bridges with some of her relationships. That might be true of your relationship with her. My personal opinion is that you should try to do your best to get her into detox and support her at least as a friend afterward because that is what I think marriage vows are about. I am not saying to stay with her forever but try to help her get well and then decide. Going that route fulfills the vow about taking the spouse "in sickness and in health". However, not all things can be forgiven, so It is up to you to decide if you want to forgive her. One thing that should be on the table for a consequence of her not seeking help is the termination of your marriage. I would present that scenario at the intervention. And, it may come to that if she does not seek help.
> As far as this other woman is concerned I really think you should put that on the back burner as others have said and not mention it to your wife. Most people that date do not get married. Chances are that if you dated this other woman, nothing would come of it. There really is no reason to mention your attraction to this woman to your wife. Most people find someone else attractive during the course of a marriage. It is human natureNo reason to talk about it unless or until it is pursued.


Thanks for the well thought out response. This is exactly my course of action. My current plan is to be very clear and to the point but not mean...obviously. But I'm hoping the bluntness will show her my seriousness and desire for her to change or we will move our separate ways. Regarding the other woman...I know what you mean. I think I confused her with the desire for my marriage to go back to the way it used to be, in the beginning. I honestly don't think I'd jump into any relationship for quite a while if/when my marriage gets to that point. 

Gah, this sucks. I appreciate the words of wisdom.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to do one thing before you attempt the other. Somehow I don't think this is going to work out like you think, if your done your done.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> Another heartbreaking story of a person who didn’t marry ‘the one’. The Wife must feel her entire life has been wasted, she must feel so undesirable and so sad. What a lousy marriage, all a lie.
> 
> You don’t need to confess anything, I assure you she knows and feels how little you feel for her. She’s known it all along, and if she hasn’t cried and cried and told you this, believe me she’s collapsing in the bed when you’re not around. Crying in the shower where you can’t hear her.
> 
> ...


This is purely magnificent.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mental illness, sexless marriage, alcoholism, abuse etc I’d say you are perfectly justified in divorcing. You may be a little off-kilter yourself if you don’t extricate yourself from that situation. 

But I think your fantasies of the chick from your younger days is just that - fantasy. 

She’s not the same person she was 12 years ago. And you’re not the same person you were 12 years ago. 

To be harboring these fantasies that you can confess your love for her and she will come running down the beach in slow motion to you with outstretched arms to embrace each other fall into the sand with the waves slapping over your intertwined bodies is delusional. 

If your marriage is toxic enough that you are better off on your own without her than with her, then that is fair. 

And once you’ve been divorced and on your own for a year or so and have some sanity and order restored into your life, if at that time you still want to see what she’s up to, go ahead and give her a call. The worst that would happen is she asks, “remind me who you are?” And doesn’t even remember you..... or she remembers you but says no and bursts your bubble for good. 

It’s probably normal to think you made a mistake and fixate on what you think might have been as your marriage is crumbling into pieces before your very eyes. 

But realize this is all fantasy at the moment and visions of you and this other chick riding off into the sunset happily ever after is probably closer to delusion than it could ever be to reality.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> Long story, TL;DR, high level overview…12 years ago I was a coward. I shamefully married my wife and had great feelings for another person…one who I considered “the one.”
> Fast forward to today, my wife and I have a dwindling relationship, sexless, emotionless, roommate type feelings. I’ve asked for counseling, she thinks it’s for quacks.
> I’m feeling the relationship draw to an end and ever since then, I find myself thinking very hard about the one. I’m at the point where I want to confess to her but I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of her dismissing me or ignoring me. Please give me a reason to NOT write the one before I ruin multiple lives. Or should I?
> Thanks!


You want a Hail Mary pass in life that seems to me to have less odds of working out than the Powerball. If I was down to my last dollar before I became homeless, would you recommend I buy some food with it for sustenance or would you suggest I buy a lottery ticket?

I'm going to be straight up honest with you. I don't know how long this has been going on with you, but it sounds like that you were triggered by something. Arguement with the wife? Too much work and home life responsibility?

You have a mental snapshot of somebody, who is no longer that person because her old selves have died a thousand times while a new her has a arisen a thousand times as she grew in little ways over the years. What you remember is when you had no responsibilities in life. You were, hand-in-hand, dancing among the tulips with the woman. What you remember would be a ghost of what was and is not what is. She may not even be that person and I can almost guaranteed that she would be horrified, if you tried to reconnect, that you left your wife and family in hopes of starting a new life with her. There would be almost no chance of her wanting you under those conditions.

Here is the price that your wife will pay, if you decide to opt out the marriage for a ghost. She's twelve years older, so she's not going to be able to attract the man that she might have attracted 12 years ago. So, you're forcing her to downgrade her choices in men. You're going to kill her self-esteem.

Here is almost certainly what will happen to you. Your wife will be angry and will want to maximize her divorce settlement, even just for survivability reasons. Her lawyer is going to represent her the best way he can and one of the strategies he will probably use is to find the most man-hating feminist judge in the district, who views maximum financial settlements for the wife to be a norm. You'll be eating peasoup and rice, beans and rice, frozen vegetables and rice, while living in your car. All to chase after a ghost.

My suggestion, for your sake, is to forget about your ghost and focus on your marriage. Apologize deeply to the wife for what she knows has been going on. Promise that you'll be the best husband for her that you can be and you'll be the most committed husband and father that can be. Tell her you went insane. She will probably buy that.

Your future, if you don't do this, is going to be very dim.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Confessions don't get good results. If anything was going to gel with that other one, it would have happened way before now.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Is there any reason to stay in this “contractual relationship”? Could be kids, family pressure of not having a divorce, financial, she is pure evil and you will she will do everything to destroy you if you divorce her?

I say one thing that I learn in life, if you decidedthat leaving is not an option, then you need to make pace with it. Once you choose to accept that you can’t leave, the situation with your roommate will remain, you will actually start to live your life again. Don’t get me wrong, you probably won’t have sex with a real person ever in your life again. LOL but once you make pace with that,focus on other things in your life. You will start to learn how not to care about it as much, learn how not to look at a closed door and wished you have the key for it. Learn that it’s done and there is nothing that you do will change it.

Look. Just like I dream about owning a Ferrari since I was kid, that’s my grail, the poster on my wall, the car in my dream. But I accept that there is no freaking way I could ever own one base on my situation, no matter how many hours I put in my work,how much I want it and think about it till it hurt. None of those will change reality. Just accept it, learn how to deal with it, and move to other things in your life. I still love Ferrari, but owning one is not an option in this life time.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Spookiestshowintown said:


> See my latest reply for your questions. Assumptions made due to my lack of context given. Thanks.


Context is really helpful! Yes, it sounds like there is a whole lot more going on here than your first post suggested. It does sound like treatment is in order for her alcoholism/depression. You said you were happy for 10/12 years - what happened to cause the last two years of unhappiness? Was it a gradual thing or was there a precipitating event?


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