# Disabled man struggling with life..



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Hi all. married 13 years been together 17 yrs have 3 children. 

Im disabled due to ms and chronic back pain. Wife and i dont work due to my disability and her being my carer. Before i became wheelchair bound i used to do everything around the house but i no can longer can do things and struggle with everyday tasks due to chronic back pain.

My wife knew that im always was going to get worse before our marriage and now as i used to do everything she still expects me to do things around the house like decorating and stuff. Shes very close to her family ( even going to the shops with each other. As they cant go alone) i rarely see mine. She wont ask her family to help tho. But if i ask my dad to help all she does is moan when he has finished so i dont bother anymore. 

As for our holiday (of just us 5) got cancelled due to covid now her family have said that next year they all want to go away together. We are at her mums every year for xmas dinner which all of her family attend. We have only had 1 holiday with just us 5 and our honeymoon which then we only had our oldest so 2 holidays where it was just us and her family havent taggged along.

I dont want to seem rude and dont know how to tell them that i dont want to go on holiday with them and would rather go by ourseleves. But i know my wife would kick off for disrepecting her family. 


Im not sure i want to be here anymore and im only here for the kids as i dont want to upset them and them to resent me for any reason. We havent been to MC as she wouldnt go and everytime i have tried and talked to her she turns everything back on me and makes it all my fault. Im fed up in getting pushed down all the time.

I dont know what to do anymore.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

This sounds like a terrible way to live...does she still take care of you every day, while you have all this resentment built up with her...? No wonder you don't want to deal with it - you sound like you feel powerless and ignored. 
Let me ask you - what do you do for YOURSELF, for YOUR enjoyment...? 
If her whole family wants to go away for Christmas, what is stopping you from staying home with your kids and celebrating without her?

Have you ever put your foot down with her, and stuck up for yourself...? What happens (or would happen) when you do this? Have you ever told her how you feel...??

You have more power in your relationship than you think, it's just a matter of finding out HOW to harness and express it to get YOUR needs recognized and met.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> This sounds like a terrible way to live...does she still take care of you every day, while you have all this resentment built up with her...? No wonder you don't want to deal with it - you sound like you feel powerless and ignored.
> Let me ask you - what do you do for YOURSELF, for YOUR enjoyment...?
> If her whole family wants to go away for Christmas, what is stopping you from staying home with your kids and celebrating without her?
> 
> ...


Yes she is my carer. But does little for me she does more for her family than me. I have a few hobbies i like acrylic painting and fishing but thats only when i get 5 to myself which is rare as im always running the kids around. She tells me she doesnt like driving but then drives her family where they want to go. ( when i bring this up she says im moaning at her and ignores me).

Her family dont want to go away from christmas were always at her mums for christmas every year they are on about going away next july sometime. I have tried staying home before when she went on hols with her family last time but they all turned against me saying i didnt want to spend time with the kids and then the kids gpt upset. So i got dragged along. But no she wouldnt leave me alone as ive tried that and i get moaned at for even suggesting it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Yes she is my carer. But does little for me she does more for her family than me. I have a few hobbies i like acrylic painting and fishing but thats only when i get 5 to myself which is rare as im always running the kids around. She tells me she doesnt like driving but then drives her family where they want to go. ( when i bring this up she says im moaning at her and ignores me).
> 
> Her family dont want to go away from christmas were always at her mums for christmas every year they are on about going away next july sometime. I have tried staying home before when she went on hols with her family last time but they all turned against me saying i didnt want to spend time with the kids and then the kids gpt upset. So i got dragged along. But no she wouldnt leave me alone as ive tried that and i get moaned at for even suggesting it.


So, kick your wife out of the job as "carer" and get a true home health companion who will help take care of you. Then SHE can go out and get a job and pay someone to do the work that you can no longer do. Sounds like she is manipulating the kids to go along with what she wants also. At some point, YOU are going to have to stand your ground and not give in.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s not interested in what you want. She cares about herself and her family. I assume she gets paid to care for you. That’s her job. Right now she’s in control but maybe you could tell whoever’s in charge that it’s not working out. You’d have to be willing to shake things up though because she’s not going to just wake up one day.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Update::-- so today my wife decides to paint the lounge. But says she struggle to paint the ceiling. So i tried to paint it sitting on the floor with an extention pole ( obviously this didnt work) i did offer to pay for a decorator but my wife is the kind of person who wants everything done yesterday. 

And as she wanted the painting done when i told my mum that it was wifes idea to paint. ( me and the kids thought it looked ok the way it was). The wife went beserk on me screamed and shouted at me in front of the kids. So i went upstairs with the kids out of the way. Her mum came over and she gave her side of the story. She then got in MY car and went to her aunties and cried to her about what happened and then her auntie came over and painted the lounge with her. ( so she cant paint it on her own but can paint it with her auntie).

She trying to make me feel bad. Can anyone tell me if i should take the blame?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

No you should take NO blame for this at all. You tried and were not physically able to do it. You offered to get someone to come in. HER inpatience and HER screaming about it in front of the kids and to her family is HER problem. I think/hope you correct that impression with the MIL and Aunt -- You DID try, she just didn't want to hear it.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> No you should take NO blame for this at all. You tried and were not physically able to do it. You offered to get someone to come in. HER inpatience and HER screaming about it in front of the kids and to her family is HER problem. I think/hope you correct that impression with the MIL and Aunt -- You DID try, she just didn't want to hear it.


Dont think the MIL or auntie would listen to me as they would side with her anyway.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You mentioned being moaned at twice. Is that a typically British thing or is your wife from a different culture?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> You mentioned being moaned at twice. Is that a typically British thing or is your wife from a different culture?


Ha ha yeah maybe lol. No my wife is british. If i put how much she moans it would be a few pages full lol so thats shortened


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

I feel as tho im stuck in a rut. 
As the house we are in is adapted for my needs. I know she'd never leave. I dont know how much more of this i can take


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Update::-- so today my wife decides to paint the lounge. But says she struggle to paint the ceiling. So i tried to paint it sitting on the floor with an extention pole ( obviously this didnt work) i did offer to pay for a decorator but my wife is the kind of person who wants everything done yesterday.
> 
> And as she wanted the painting done when i told my mum that it was wifes idea to paint. ( me and the kids thought it looked ok the way it was). The wife went beserk on me screamed and shouted at me in front of the kids. So i went upstairs with the kids out of the way. Her mum came over and she gave her side of the story. She then got in MY car and went to her aunties and cried to her about what happened and then her auntie came over and painted the lounge with her. ( so she cant paint it on her own but can paint it with her auntie).
> 
> She trying to make me feel bad. Can anyone tell me if i should take the blame?


Don't YOU know YOURSELF whether you deserve any blame for that...?? You need to strengthen your sense of deserving to be treated better, and do as the other posters have said, FIRE her as your carer!
Do you go to counseling at all...? Because that might help give you some clarity and self-confidence...


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Don't YOU know YOURSELF whether you deserve any blame for that...?? You need to strengthen your sense of deserving to be treated better, and do as the other posters have said, FIRE her as your carer!
> Do you go to counseling at all...? Because that might help give you some clarity and self-confidence...


No counselling. As wife has always said no and As im not good with face to face confrontation.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I think you need personal counseling for YOU...I think it would be a great way for you to get validation and coping skills for the things you are dealing with!


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Another update.. so as another day goes by it turns out that she sent me to the shop this morning as i told her she wasnt allowed to drive my car anymore. And while i was a the shop she tells me that she locked the dopr and im not allowed back in . So i returned witj the shopping ( left it on doorstep) got me and my Wchair back in the car and drove off for a few hours. When i went back later i found out that she left me a bag outside. ( so she basically kicked me out of the house. Where my name is on the rental agreement as well as hers). .

Ive been trying to get some place to stay tonight but ended up back at somwhere which is not the greatest as its not accessible. But hey i'll live.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

And both her whatsapp and insta are active at 11pm and she is never normally awake at this time. Shes always sleeping earlier.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get a lawyer. Her doing this is AWFUL. You should also call the police. She has no right to kick you out of the home if you are on the lease.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Get a lawyer. Her doing this is AWFUL. You should also call the police. She has no right to kick you out of the home if you are on the lease.


I dont have any funds for a lawyer.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> I feel as tho im stuck in a rut.
> As the house we are in is adapted for my needs. *I know she'd never leave. *I dont know how much more of this i can take





Jamesjones10123 said:


> Another update.. so as another day goes by it turns out that she sent me to the shop this morning as i told her she wasnt allowed to drive my car anymore. And while i was a the shop she tells me that she locked the dopr and im not allowed back in . So i returned witj the shopping ( left it on doorstep) got me and my Wchair back in the car and drove off for a few hours. When i went back later i found out that she left me a bag outside. ( so she basically kicked me out of the house. Where my name is on the rental agreement as well as hers). .
> 
> Ive been trying to get some place to stay tonight but ended up back at somwhere which is not the greatest as its not accessible. But hey i'll live.





Jamesjones10123 said:


> And both her whatsapp and insta are active at 11pm and she is never normally awake at this time. Shes always sleeping earlier.


Could you clarify that earlier, bolded remark? Did you mean she's never leave the house, or the marriage? Did things really deteriorate so much in just a couple day's time that you could have been caught off-guard so badly?

And the car thing, not allowing her to drive your car anymore. What was that all about? Is this a specially-adapted car that allows you to drive, so if she takes off with it, you're essentially grounded? Or is there some other reason she isn't allowed to drive your car?

Have either of you had individual counseling? How did you (your family) manage to adapt to your disability? Or have you just been winging it? What about finances? You can't work, she can't work, where does the money come from? 

Just some questions that might help to understand where you've been and where you are. Things sound really, really bad. I hope things get better for you soon.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Update... i have come back to and resolve the messs. I dont know if this is the right decision or not. 
And i Dont know how long it will last tho. The hardest thing for me was seeing the kids crying as they thought i left them. 

She has apologized for treating me like crap and has suggested we start MC. So we see where that goes now.



But as i dont like going out or seeing people. I dont think thats going to change the situation much.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Could you clarify that earlier, bolded remark? Did you mean she's never leave the house, or the marriage? Did things really deteriorate so much in just a couple day's time that you could have been caught off-guard so badly?
> 
> And the car thing, not allowing her to drive your car anymore. What was that all about? Is this a specially-adapted car that allows you to drive, so if she takes off with it, you're essentially grounded? Or is there some other reason she isn't allowed to drive your car?
> 
> ...


I have a deteriorating condition so she always knew that i was going to get worse. 

She wants me to be the man that she married 13 years ago. Cant people change? 

As for the car issue...
Well as the car is in my name and i pay for it monthly as its to help me get around due to my disability


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You should make sure that your kids understand what happened -- that you DID NOT leave of your choice. Them feeling abandoned by you can have long-lasting effects.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You should make sure that your kids understand what happened -- that you DID NOT leave of your choice. Them feeling abandoned by you can have long-lasting effects.


I have reassured them that i didnt leave i had no choice as i couldnt get in. And that they couldve always come and see me at nans. 

But i do know now tho that if she locks the door again i will be getting all my stuff next time and not returning


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'm not sure how things work in the UK, but here is a suggestion.
Do your medical providers ever ask you in the course of an exam about the state of your relationship?
I ask, because I presently am going through some health issues and recently had 2 trips via squad to the hospital, two ER visits, and spent several days in the hospital. The reason I bring this up, is that I must have been asked at least 5x's/day by nurses, doctors, and even the squad people about the state of my relationship (was I abused, did I feel "Safe", etc.) I answered that I was fine, because my relationship is fine. However, I suppose if I would have said "No," that I probably would have been hooked up with some kind of social worker. If there is a similar mechanism there, perhaps you stating such to your medical provider could lead to a referral to someone who could hook you up with resources, such as counselors, free or low cost legal aid, etc, which could assist you.
You being locked out of your house in your medical state was inexcusable.
You could probably use some personal counseling to learn coping strategies, and perhaps help you to find a path out of this mess. Your wife needs to be dismissed as your care giver, see what you can do to make other arrangements. She can go get a job and contribute financially if you stay together.
She wants MC, huh? I would only agree to that if you get to vet the counselors and make the selection. If I were you, I would look for a male counselor, with some kind of physical disability. Avoid selecting one that she can easily manipulate.
You are definitely not in a good situation, as demonstrated by the course of your posts over the last few months. You need to do what is best for you. Decide whether you are in or out of the relationship, marshal resources, and make a path for better outcomes either way you go.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> I'm not sure how things work in the UK, but here is a suggestion.
> Do your medical providers ever ask you in the course of an exam about the state of your relationship?
> I ask, because I presently am going through some health issues and recently had 2 trips via squad to the hospital, two ER visits, and spent several days in the hospital. The reason I bring this up, is that I must have been asked at least 5x's/day by nurses, doctors, and even the squad people about the state of my relationship (was I abused, did I feel "Safe", etc.) I answered that I was fine, because my relationship is fine. However, I suppose if I would have said "No," that I probably would have been hooked up with some kind of social worker. If there is a similar mechanism there, perhaps you stating such to your medical provider could lead to a referral to someone who could hook you up with resources, such as counselors, free or low cost legal aid, etc, which could assist you.
> You being locked out of your house in your medical state was inexcusable.
> ...


Its going to be a tough few next couple of days but im going to have to ride it out and see where it goes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> I have reassured them that i didnt leave i had no choice as i couldnt get in. And that they couldve always come and see me at nans.
> 
> But i do know now tho that if she locks the door again i will be getting all my stuff next time and not returning


Even if you have to leave, it doesn't mean you leave your KIDS. You should always be able to interact with them and talk to them. You will need to maintain that closeness for them AND you!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Its going to be a tough few next couple of days but im going to have to ride it out and see where it goes.


So, instead of just "riding it out" can YOU investigate legal aid or social services stuff? You should be able to at least research this to get better prepared in case things go south again? Have the number for social services handy, police, legal aid, etc. JUST in case.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

I can get help from social services with housing. But it would take a few years to go through application and then to wait for housing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Tdbo said:


> I'm not sure how things work in the UK, but here is a suggestion.
> Do your medical providers ever ask you in the course of an exam about the state of your relationship?
> I ask, because I presently am going through some health issues and recently had 2 trips via squad to the hospital, two ER visits, and spent several days in the hospital. The reason I bring this up, is that I must have been asked at least 5x's/day by nurses, doctors, and even the squad people about the state of my relationship (was I abused, did I feel "Safe", etc.) I answered that I was fine, because my relationship is fine. However, I suppose if I would have said "No," that I probably would have been hooked up with some kind of social worker. If there is a similar mechanism there, perhaps you stating such to your medical provider could lead to a referral to someone who could hook you up with resources, such as counselors, free or low cost legal aid, etc, which could assist you.
> You being locked out of your house in your medical state was inexcusable.
> ...


THIS is fantastic advice, @Jamesjones10123 - THIS right here is all you need to do!!

When is your next appointment with your doctor...? Can you schedule one if you don't have one already...?? Because that's the best path to take, I think. Your doctor needs to know that the person you rely on for primary care LOCKED YOU OUT OF YOUR HOUSE ALONE because she was angry about something - THAT is WRONG. If it happens again, call the police so you can get back in, get what you need, and leave permanently.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Still not sure i want to be here or what to do.


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