# Close to throwing in the towel



## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

I have other posts on here regarding my relationship. Just an update to that - We are still together (23 years) & it's been over a year since I first posted. My H still has his other friends & still texts them all the time. He told me he will always have them & I have to except it. These are girls that I don't know & he will not allow me to know. He knows every person I text either from meeting them or by me showing him a picture...male or female. I don't hide anyone from him. 

So, things in our relationship have stayed the same. We are room mates in everyway in my eyes. We don't hug, share kisses, hold hands, cuddle, sit by each other on the couch, or have sex. We hang out & go to dinner. It's been this way for over a year & a half. He kisses me on the cheek in the morning because he doesn't like lip gloss or lipstick. We kiss once at night before I go to bed alone. He says love you once in the morning after he kisses my cheek and that's it. I say me too. It doesn't have that feeling like it used to. 

I wrote him a letter 4 weeks ago detailing my feelings about all of this. He felt that we needed to change SOME things but not everything. When he was having his episode of doubts with our relationship in 2010, I was trying everything I could to get us back where we felt like a couple. Obviously, it didn't work because we've settled into the same old routine. Back to the letter, as I said he agreed that we needed to work on us & being more affectionate towards each other but again nothing has moved in the direction of better. I am worn out from our past to the point that I feel like he should make the moves & I reciprocate. Maybe I am selfish but I want him to show me that he cares & loves me. 

He text me the other day that I seemed distant. I said I know & that nothing has begun to change since I had written that letter. He said it will take both of us & he hoped that I was being influenced by outside people to feel like I do. I thought about what he said & took 2 hours to reply back. I told him I wasn't being influenced & that our relationship hasn't been strong in a very long while. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel today but I was very close. I said I didn't like him thinking I couldn't have my own feelings & said I've just kept things inside for a long time & I'm tired of feeling unhappy, crappy and unsatisified....not myself. I said maybe I need time apart to see if there still is an us AND NOT just business trip time apart. When he is gone, I am happy. I don't feel tension. It's a relief that he's not there. He's gone 3-5 days when he travels. My H wasn't thrilled about the idea of separating. He started asking tons of financial questions. That's all he said.

The one thing he didn't say & hasn't said since I mentioned separating was I love you ... in a true from the heart, I don't want to be without you, lets make this work way. No hugs, no kisses .... 

Just wanted to vent and get some advice. 

Thanks.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

My marriage ended up in similar way. We grew apart because we neglected communication, coupled with a lack of intimacy. We ended up as roommates with children.

Now, however, my W is of the opinion that any last chance is too little too late.

It is extremely sad and frustrating when only 1 side is up for the challenge to save the marriage. To change. To act different and influence his/her spouse. To create a different and stronger relationship.

I'm sorry for your situation.

Separating rarely leads back to marriage. My W said she enjoys her independence. I'm not around, so she isn't miserable. The guilt she felt around me has been removed. So, all of my requests/promises/admissions mean little to her. She doesn't have the loving feeling and is scared to let any of that back in.

I encourage you to communicate your needs/wants/desires. Hear his.

In the meantime, self-reflect. Question your part in the marriage. And gauge his responses.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

Jayb said:


> She doesn't have the loving feeling and is scared to let any of that back in.
> 
> .


That's what bothers me the most (well, almost the most) in my situation. My wife says she doesn't love me as a husband anymore, but occassionally she lets slip that she is scared to try to work things out and fail. I know she is hurt, but I would hate to see love lost because we were too scared to try.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What type of relationships does he have with these women online? If he won't give them up because they are "innocent friendships," then do you have access to checking out what is going on? If it is truly innocent, then he should be willing to be open about them. 

It is one thing to take a stand and say a relationship is just friends; it is another to hide what is going on in that friendship. I haven't read other posts from you, so I don't know if you caught him in an EA or flirting or something otherwise NOT innocent. If you did, then his behavior is inexcusable, and he will never respect you for taking it. If the problem is really on your side--insecurities that you look to him to satisfy (which won't work b/c they come from inside you), then you can get help with that.

Can you provide a short summary of what transpired in the past, and what context he has these friends in?


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## Valerie50 (Mar 30, 2012)

When you are in a marriage, there should be no real secrets especially friends of the opposite sex that you are not allowed to know who they are. If I came right out and asked my H to show me his e-mail or text messages, he should have no problem showing me. If he does then he is probably doing something that he knows I would not approve of. Find out what this is about, why won't he let you know who these woman are? We have one life and only we can make ourselves happy. There is nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to be happy. I am in a unhappy marriage but I choose to stay for now, it is much easier to give advice than to take my own. Good luck.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

sounds like my situation. my wife wantsnothing to do with me. I told her I would grow as a person and show her love. Im still growing and have no contact with her. my sister works with her and says I may have a long shot. her brother called me a month ago and said she gets mad at him for no reason and that she just stays home. truth is wheter she comes back or not it wont stop me from growing. I accepted my faults and my progress begn months ago. I wont conctact her till in my heart I know I did all I could. I write to her everyday and have over 6 mmonths worth of letters in a shoebox. I'm just scared that she wont ever come back because my love is so strong that I will be alone for the rest of my life, I value marriage and if she doesnt well that doesnt affect my value system. enough about me. 0869 sounds like your at the edge. change takes time and dedication. FOR BETTER OR WORSE SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. TILL DEATH DO US PART TO LOVE AND TO HOLD RESPECT AND HONOR. he is not respecting you


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

njdad said:


> That's what bothers me the most (well, almost the most) in my situation. My wife says she doesn't love me as a husband anymore, but occassionally she lets slip that she is scared to try to work things out and fail. I know she is hurt, but I would hate to see love lost because we were too scared to try.


I understand the fear. what happens in a year when I lose my job (again)? Or, if she loses hers? Or, I have to work longer hours. Little routines that drastically change can affect the family dynamic. Will I withdraw? Will she pull away?

And then the misery could return. Then, do we call it quits again? Take the family on this ride again?

These are serious hurdles to face when reconciling. I understand this.

But, I understand the flip. No last chance means you'll never know. You'll never know if we could love each other stronger and come closer to each other. You'll never know what we can experience together on various occasions.

It really is a list with a line down the middle. Left side labelled past. Right side labelled future. 

And, our children will be affected by either decision.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

ferndog said:


> sounds like my situation. my wife wantsnothing to do with me. I told her I would grow as a person and show her love. Im still growing and have no contact with her. my sister works with her and says I may have a long shot. her brother called me a month ago and said she gets mad at him for no reason and that she just stays home. truth is wheter she comes back or not it wont stop me from growing. I accepted my faults and my progress begn months ago. I wont conctact her till in my heart I know I did all I could. I write to her everyday and have over 6 mmonths worth of letters in a shoebox. I'm just scared that she wont ever come back because my love is so strong that I will be alone for the rest of my life, I value marriage and if she doesnt well that doesnt affect my value system. enough about me. 0869 sounds like your at the edge. change takes time and dedication. FOR BETTER OR WORSE SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. TILL DEATH DO US PART TO LOVE AND TO HOLD RESPECT AND HONOR. he is not respecting you



Vows and commitments may have been valued at one time, but are no longer. Unhappiness causes decisions to be made. However, happy marriages do not make spouses happy. Rather, happy spouses make a happy marriage.


My W may even still have doubts and regrets, but STILL proceed in her ways out of stubborness/hurt/guilt. The pain of returning to our M is greater than the pain of leaving.

That's such a shame.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Its obvious your husband has checked out of relationship and you still you still love him. I don't think you can continue like this. You need to dig down deeper and ask yourself why he is not interested in you and start addressing those problems, why is interested in the other women and not you? If you want to get his attention I would try stop being accommodating (household chores, etc), stop talking about relationship unless he brings it up, decrease talking in person on phone, etc, start making changes your routine. Do 180s. "Get a Life", go out with friends, act like you are moving on but don't talk about it. Take steps at self improvement, diet, work out, new clothes, etc. Let go of any anger over the "unfairness" that you have to fix things alone and accept you may have a 50/50 chance at best that it work out.


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot that you share your experiences. It's helpful too.

Looking at myself, I know I have been a push over when it comes to anything he wanted. I never said "No" or if I tried to say no, my words were turned around or we argued to the point of me giving into him. I didn't stand up for myself. I was always scared of being alone because he's always had a thing for women. By a thing for women, I don't mean chasing tail (I don't know if he has ever cheated physically but EA's yes...he admitted that) but he stayed in strip bars for about 7 years of our relationship, he would get on dating websites since being married to see what was going on, porn and just pictures of girls in general are big deals to him. We've been married for 13 years and about 7 years ago, I found photos and video he took on his cellphone of a naked girl in the bathtub. He was over at her house one night. That was a rough time BUT we are still married. I didn't stand up for myself out of fear of being alone. I'm tired of that fear when it's probably not even the case. I was immature at the time thinking he was my one and only. Silly me!?!? 

He doesn't list me as his wife on his FB page but lists every other member of his/our family as his family. I have caught him on the phone with other women from time to time throughtout our relationship. We haven't worn our wedding rings in years! 

Regardinging these women he texts now, I don't know the relationship he has with them. He won't tell me. It's not my business as he says. That's his life separate from me that he insists on having. We are married, nothing should be separate especially relationships with single women, right?

I'm his only GF/wife. He had sex with another person prior to us getting married but that's it. I think sometimes maybe he needs a break more than me. But he says he loves me and doesn't want to separate or divorce. If that's the truth, then why does he want a separate life from me? 

I look back at our life and we have had some fun times no doubt but looking forward to the next 20-30 years, I don't know if I want him as my spouse. I'm not in love with him. He feels like just a close friend now. =/


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, Tennessee, but I don't know what you're waiting for! You've been on this site for a year contemplating divorce/separation; how long were you contemplating it before you arrived here?

In that year, NOTHING has changed (at least not for the better). He is still having EAs (and possibly PAs? This from a guy who in the past hung out in strip clubs and had a personal video of a naked woman he took at her house?!? All while MARRIED to you!)

He has a personal/emotional life with single women that you are NOT ALLOWED to infringe upon.
He pretends he's not married (to you) on FaceBook.
You two no longer have an intimate relationship (neither sex nor hand-holding).
You are happy, relieved, stress-free when he is gone on trips.
He has agreed to make SOME changes, but not the most important ones: fidelity and commitment.
When you suggested a separation, his only concerns were financial.

I think you KNOW what you should do.

You wanted to vent and get advice. My advice? Hire the best damned divorce attorney in your area. You've been unhappy for a long time and your husband is unwilling to step up and engage in your marriage. He is playing 'single' while keeping you around (on the side, the far side, the back-of-the-bus side) so he won't take a financial hit in the 'nads. Pick up your dignity, your fair share (I'm not saying to screw him over, but make sure he doesn't screw you over) of the marital assets, and head out to the door to a new life. It will be as wonderful as you make it!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Valerie50 said:


> When you are in a marriage, there should be no real secrets especially friends of the opposite sex that you are not allowed to know who they are. *If I came right out and asked my H to show me his e-mail or text messages, he should have no problem showing me. If he does then he is probably doing something that he knows I would not approve of. * Find out what this is about, why won't he let you know who these woman are? We have one life and only we can make ourselves happy. There is nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to be happy. I am in a unhappy marriage but I choose to stay for now, it is much easier to give advice than to take my own. Good luck.



Funny, because a week or so before I found the "evidence" of my wife's EA, I told her I have nothing to hide, come right now and look at all my email accounts, etc. She responded the same.

Fast forward 3 weeks, when she changed her password on her phone and only by the grace of God did I guess it on the 2nd try.


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thanks SlowlyGettingWiser.... =) 

I know what I should do. A year and nothing has changed or ever will change. The blinders are off and I see what our marriage has become. I appreciate your words. I've been afraid of the first step, the fear and the uncertainty but I do feel like I am stronger than I was a year ago.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Tennessee!

Glad to see you again!!!! Sometimes it takes a while; I know. Now that the blinders are off, you can SEE which way to go. Make your OWN timetable. Nobody knows how fast/slow you need to go except you. YOU will know when it's time to take the first step. YOU have acknowledged the problem and know which direction to head. You'll feel stronger as you regain your dignity and sense of outrage (how DARE he treat you so crappily! I'm indignant FOR you.)

There'll be ups and downs; stay on the boards here and gain strength and wisdom from people who have been there before and people who are travelling a parallel journey to yours.

We're here for you, girl! Keep your eyes on your future goals: peace, dignity, happiness and whatever YOU choose to make of your life.

...sending you LOVE !!!


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## twl142 (Apr 15, 2012)

Jayb said:


> My marriage ended up in similar way. We grew apart because we neglected communication, coupled with a lack of intimacy. We ended up as roommates with children.
> 
> Now, however, my W is of the opinion that any last chance is too little too late.
> 
> ...



I am in a similar position to Jaybe, but it's my husband who has found he enjoys the freedom and independence of living on his own. 

I've acknowledged and apologised for neglecting our marriage and taking him for granted and asked him to tell me what he needs/wants/desires. Apart, however, from saying he wants time and space he will say little else about what he wants from me or our marriage and has pretty much stopped contacting me.

There is no anger or bitterness, he's just completely emotionally withdrawn and uninterested. 

Have self-reflected and been actively working on improving myself, keeping busy with hobbies/friends/work etc but find things are getting more difficult. Despite not believing in divorce and wanting more than anything else to make my marriage work I'm beginning to doubt whether there is any hope and if I should just focus on rebuilding my life without him.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

twl142 said:


> I am in a similar position to Jaybe, but it's my husband who has found he enjoys the freedom and independence of living on his own.
> 
> I've acknowledged and apologised for neglecting our marriage and taking him for granted and asked him to tell me what he needs/wants/desires. Apart, however, from saying he wants time and space he will say little else about what he wants from me or our marriage and has pretty much stopped contacting me.
> 
> ...



Sometimes I wonder if our spouses, who are so uninterested, cold, etc., to us, are capable of loving anyone either now or in the near future.

It doesn't have to be like that. Here we are, willing and able to do whatever it takes to improve our end.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

0869 your story could be mine. I'm in the exact same situation. My husband treats me like a roommate. He has secret contact with other women and discusses our marriage with them. He thinks I am being unreasonable and trying to control him when I asked him to stop and focus on us instead of these other women. He tells me nothing, shares nothing, we have not had sex for 8 months, he is completely emotionally dead when it comes to me and our marriage.

We'e been in MC for about 9 months and nothing has changed. he will not try any of the things the counselor has suggested. He blames me for everything that has happened and constantly tells me it would be different for him if he was with someone else.

He tells me he does not need to consult me about anything he does. He does tell me he still loves me though.

He has secret email accounts, he won't "friend" me on facebook, goes out on a whim for hours on end and tells me nothing he does is any of my business. We have a small child so ending it is a big decision for me. I am scared of the future also, but I cannot continue to live like this. I need to be loved by my "husband". I need fulfillment too, I need to feel like I matter to someone.

I hate where I am right now as I know I have to end it because he is never going to change, but my fear is holding me back. I've been a stay at home mom for so many years and I've looking for a job for over 6 mths and nada... I am worried financially too. I have no family in the States. Just friends.

I can't believe my wonderful husband and marriage has turned to s*^t. It was so good for many years. It makes me sad beyond belief.


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