# Parenting and alcohol (future kids)



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

So my H drinks 4 to 6 beers a night, I have discussion in the addiction section but it didn't get a lot of responses.

Can you have kids and still drink that much? Any experiences? I have said that I think it is too much and I don't want babies with a man who does that and he has said he would slow down with the beer. Dads out there? Do you drink, does your wives put up with that?

He is high-functioning drinker (don't know if alcoholic) has a good job, brinks bacon home we own our house and cars. 

I am just confused, my parents never drunks, his did and still are successful people. The man in his family actually drink more than he does. 

My parents took anti-depressants at harder time but didn't drink. 

It is hard to make a decision, I don't want the dad of my kids drinking every single night but also don't want to be controlling and throw out potentially good dad.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Someone else posted recently about their fiancé saying that once they had kids, the drinking would slow down or stop. The responses were pretty unanimous that if he was serious about stopping, he'd do it without the kids being a factor. 

My thoughts... Having kids isn't like to fix a bad marriage. It will magnify the problems. So unless you like the thoughts of being a single parent while your husband either goes out to the bar or drinks himself into a stupor every evening, don't do it.

He doesn't currently see his drinking as an issue. That isn't going to change without input from somewhere that impacts him directly. Kids are not that impact.

C


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every single night does seem like a lot. Not to mention all the health issues he's going to have from it. And you become 'immune' to it over time and start needing more to get the same buzz, if that's what he's attempting.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I am a high function alcoholic myself. Before I met my wife, I stopped drinking all together. 

I went many years...almost 8 years without a drop...
I started again and drank one drink a week.

then all hell broke loose and started to drink a bottle of wine almost every day.

For a few months, I stopped and went to A.A.My wife would rather see me home instead of a meeting.

As an alcoholic, I cant control the amount that I drink.

I work, pay bills, cook, clean, spend time with my daughter, I exercise, I am not mean when I drink.

my wife, who is a non drinker, doesnt seem to have an issue with it.

However, if she wanted me to stop, I would.

I do think about it a lot. I know I should stop.

As for you...Feeling lonely...

if you have an issue with his drinking, he should stop...IMO, he would only have an issue with it if he is a problem drinker.

FWIW..He is trouble waiting to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

question, does he get drunk?

every time we get an ASAP(army substance abuse program) brief, they tell us that people who have a couple drinks every single night are healthier in just about every way than those who dont drink at all. then they go on to say that alcoholics drink to get drunk, they usually dont drink just a few beers. 

i know 4-6 beers per night is more than that, i drink a couple shots of vodka a night(on top of each other, not throughout the whole night), im a pretty small guy, and it doesnt get me drunk(course, i still dont drive). of course, i dont drink to get drunk, i drink because a buddy suggested i take a couple shots when i study my languages. 
it actually helped me stay motivated(made it less of a drag) so i just made it a regular thing.

when was the last time he got drunk, or did something dumb like try to drive after he had been drinking?


----------



## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Every Alcoholic I've ever known drank because they enjoyed drinking and didn't stop until they passed out or ran out of booze.

Your husband doesn't sound like that to me. If it isn't causing any problems other then you worrying about it might cause problems, I'd stop worrying about it. That's just me though, but I think alot of people in life make things into problems that aren't really problems.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The thing about alcohol is it has a cumulative effect on your system, those 4 to 6 beers a night are just building blocks to long term issues, both the risk of alcoholism and other health issues. There are plenty of studies that say a couple of drinks is OK, but your husband is drinking more than that. And there are plenty of functioning alcoholics out there, but I don't think most of them will get thru their lives without some sort of drinking related issues.

But that's just my opinion, but I do consider myself a bit of an expert, I was raised by addicts and am the only one in my family that managed to escape long term addiction, but not before I caused plenty of damage and heartache to others.

When you're newly married and planning a life it's easy to get caught up in plans and dreams, and you want to believe everything your spouse tells you, love is blind for sure. But in reality you need to look at how your spouse lives their present day to day life because more than likely those current traits are just who and what they are. If you are concerned about your husbands drinking he should make the effort right now to fix that, for him to say he will wait until after you have children is just ridiculous. If he has no issue with his drinking and you do then you have some serious decisions to make about the future. Maybe it will never be an issue, maybe he can slow down as he claims and you live happily ever after, only you can make the decision to risk it or not.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Frankly, I'd tell him that you're giving him a chance to go one year without beer. If he can do that, you'll stay with him. If he doesn't make it, you're going to move out.


----------



## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

It might help to better understand why he drinks that much so consistently. When I drink that much it is because I can't handle life. I need to shut down and give my brain a break. Unfortunately it just delays solving my problems and makes me more dependent on the crutch.

Depending on his size and the strength of the beer, it may be nothing at all. But if he's smaller or the beer is stronger craft beer, that much alcohol that consistently over the long term will affect his brain and body.

Be especially wary if he's taking anything for stress or anxiety or depression and mixing that with alcohol. That can be a deadly combination.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

There is a reason he feels the need to drink every night you and don’t know it. Maybe even he doesn’t realize why. While it may be 4-6 beers a night eventually it will grow to a larger amount. Alcohol and other addictive substances, it always becomes more. You build up a tolerance etc. 

Your questioning whether he can be a good father and drink, you want to start a family. He will not quit drinking once a child is in the picture do not kid yourself at all. He may not ever go past the 4-6 beers but he wont give it up. He knows you have issues with it and he has shown indifference to your concerns. He wants you to drop the subject so he appeases you and says at a later date he will quit. He is choosing a six pack over you every day.

Don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t mean you are the problem at all. Next time ask him why he has to drink to be with you? You spend most of your time as a couple together in the evening and every evening he drinks why? Why is it so hard for him to spend time with you and not drink? I don’t want to sound like you are the issue please understand that. But he is choosing to drink over your happiness each and everyday, why do you think that will change with the added stress of kids around?

I live in a community where drinking is a way of living. Many of my friends drink every night just your spouse and most started just like yours, then on the weekends it became more and starting earlier in the day. It can become a big problem. I don’t drink at all anymore, gave it up years ago. I also grew up with a full blown alcoholic mother who started with just the couple of beers everyday so I am overly sensitive to the issue. She now drinks 2-3 bottles of vodka everyday.

You have an issue, he doesn’t want to deal with it or work anything out with you. He just wants what he wants. Isnt that the real issue, he doesn’t care if it bothers you or not? Im not saying he has to stop drinking completely but if he cant even give you a night or two without it…some sort of compromise.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> question, does he get drunk?
> 
> every time we get an ASAP(army substance abuse program) brief, they tell us that people who have a couple drinks every single night are healthier in just about every way than those who dont drink at all. then they go on to say that alcoholics drink to get drunk, they usually dont drink just a few beers.
> 
> ...


Alcoholics do not drink to get drunk, mostly. They drink to maintain their ability to cope. They get dt's and withdrawl if they don't drink. Many alcoholics can only function "normally" with a few drinks in em. My ex's late brother made first chair in Viola for a prestigious orchestra, while blasted. He had to be blasted, or he wouldn't have been able to perform.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey there, Lonely,

Learn from my mistakes.

I met/dated my ex 2 years, and didn't know that every night after I left he was putting back a 6 pack. 
When we married, he did not want me to stay up with him. He wanted me to go to bed alone, so he could have his "alone time." I resented going to bed alone and began staying up anyhow. It was then that I found out how much he was drinking. 
I eventually told him I thought it was a lot, and he got very defensive. He refused to get it checked into in counseling. He was also addicted to cigarettes, and he promised to stop smoking when I became pregnant. But he lied and snuck out at night to go buy cigarettes. 
I did not grow up with alcoholism, so when he got defensive and talked his way out of it, I did not have anything to compare it with, so I took his word for it. I am way too trusting, I have found. I should have trusted my gut, and so should you.
Long story short, he got 2 DUIs. Then he lmost lost his teaching job when he drank his leftover wine right before leaving for school one day and they smelled it on him. They gave him the choice between detox and resignation. So he has been dry for a long time now (8ish years?) but it has destroyed our family, we divorced, lost our home, and it contributed to the awful rift I have with my older son. I have 2 boys, who both very likely carry the gene for alchoholisim. Ex's dad, granddad, and 2 brothers are/were alcoholics. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have dated or married him. 
My recommendation to you is:
1. Use birth control. Do not get pregnant until you have become well versed in alcoholism and have made up your own mind, guided by professionals, not your husband, on what YOU want to do. Do not involve him too much in your journey of learning. If he has a problem, he will deceive you if it means protecting himself from having to get treatment/having to admit the problem. He may even try to get you to go ahead and have a baby to entrap you. Don't do it.
2. Find a counselor with a specialization in addictions, and go learn from them. Go to AL Anon meetings, and talk to people who are living with addicted family members. I was astounded to find that all they excuses and reactions he gave me were classically typical, down to exact expressions. 
3. If you suspect he has a problem (which I do, just based on the amount he's drinking,) ask him to go to counseling. If he won't that's a red flag.
4. Be strong. It is a LOT LOT LOT easier to get out now and start over with someone healthy, than to have children, have problems, and end up losing so much more later and damaging everyone involved. 
5. You are so smart for coming here to ask before having kids.God, if only I had known to do that.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Hey there, Lonely,
> 
> Learn from my mistakes.
> 
> ...



good points. 

when it comes down to it, if it is unacceptable behaviour it doesn't matter how he is using alcohol.

to op: 
you have the right to be heard. if he is blowing off your concerns now, then he will blow them off later. don't let him do that. 
that doesn't even have anything to do with alcohol. its good old fashioned respect, which you have a right to demand.


----------



## johndz (Dec 19, 2013)

Well, I never had problems with drink. 
I used to drink weekends when I was single, and I never had been a problem
When I married, I drink even less.
Now I just drink in some party one or two beers, and the most important thing I think we have to protect our youth from vices, so I try to give a good example. I rearely drink, I never get drunk


----------

