# Children and Funerals



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Apologies if anyone thinks this _really should_ be in Grief & Loss... I wanted thoughts from anyone actively parenting rather than only those involved in a bereavement. 
My mother died very recently and I am an only child and with her considerable age - 90s - there isn't a whole lot of family/friends left! The funeral is largely organised - a crematorium religious service to conform with her beliefs. We will probably inter the urn at a later date near other family members.
I have three children, 24, 21 and 9; and my partner, the 9yo's dad, has fairly strong feelings about young children not going to funerals largely to avoid them being upset by other close adults' distress. This may be coloured by having lost both a sibling and a parent at unexpectedly young ages... though in both instances he was in adulthood.
What does anyone feel about children and death/funerals etc? To be clear, I haven't really made up my mind though was kind of brought up with death by living on a smallholding - though of course that's just animals (!).... but if 9yo doesn't go, by neither does my partner because due to our home circumstances, he'll be taking care of 9yo, house, pets, etc.......


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## panterra1011 (Jul 27, 2011)

I have no actual experience myself but I can offer what my husband has shared with me, and my own limited experience and views on this.

My husband lost his father when he was 6yrs old. His father was sick and died in the hospital. He saw his father shortly after his death and said goodbye in the hospital room, though he admits at the time he didn't fully understand. His mom kept him away from the funeral. He has told me he is kind of grateful for that because he has few memories of his father and is glad to have some good ones from when he was alive. From seeing his father dead in the hospital all he remembers is being confused and not understanding why his dad wasn't waking up. Which, I imagine, is why his mother decided not to take him to the funeral.

In my opinion, this depends on the child. On whether he understands what death is and whether he will be easily upset by being there. I have been to funerals as a child but they were for relatives I didn't know very well, so they didn't effect me at all. Mostly, I remember being bored. Why not ask your son if he wants to go? At 9 yrs old he is old enough to understand death I would think and you can always explain what happens at a funeral so he understands what will be going on. If he seems okay with the idea and wants to say goodbye to his grandmother I see no real reason to keep him away. 

Very sorry for your loss, also.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts to lose the ones you love, even at great age.

I'm not a parent, but my family has had several losses in the last few years of close relatives and this discussion has come up several times. Since we've had children of many ages and personalities, I thought I'd offer my experiences.

The previous poster pretty much has it down. As "mushy" an answer as it is, it ends up being "it depends". 

Was your son close to his grandmother, such that the closure of a funeral would be a comfort? Is he close to those who would attend, so that it would be an opportunity to see people that he doesn't often get to? Does he understand death and what a funeral is? Is the religious aspect of the service important to your family? Can he realistically sit calmly through the services and the niceties that go on without distracting you from what you need to do? (Believe me, even when things are already arranged, there are so many details the day of!)

We've made different decisions for different kids in the family based on all of these things. One went to her grandfathers funeral at 8 or so and when our grandmother passed away several years later, we decided that her sister was too young to go at the same age because she's just a much more sensitive personality. 

What I don't think is that at 9 years old, there is any obligation for him to be there--it's totally a judgment call at this point.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts to lose the ones you love, even at great age.
> 
> I'm not a parent, but my family has had several losses in the last few years of close relatives and this discussion has come up several times. Since we've had children of many ages and personalities, I thought I'd offer my experiences.
> 
> ...


I suppose (deep breath) if I'm honest there's a big element of wanting him there for ME. Given that I have 2 much older ones from my marriage and he's my late arrival with my partner of 10 years, I think maybe it would look strange if one part was there and the other not ... reason being if son doesn't come, partner will 99.9% not come because he will choose to stay at home (different country) to look after son, house, etc. Which in turn means I'll be there alone all bar my ex-husband. Obviously my other two children, but I'll appear 'alone' and I don't relish that. 
He's had little contact with her but did see her for quite a concentrated period quite recently, and when I got home yesterday he had a long cry about losing her. 
Jury's still out. But from your posts and other enquiries, it seems it's very much an individual thing per child.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I have a 9yo son, and recently went thru this same thing back in April when my dad died. I had the same feelings.

I decided we are a family we go as a family. We celebrate the good times and mourn the bad. Death is apart of life. This gave me the opportunity to talk to him about death, spending time with the ones you love while they are here, God and lots more.

He did very well. He comforted me. He also escorted the casket. I ask him if he wanted to do it, he didn't have to. He said yes he wanted to do this for his grandpa.

What a good time to teach him not everything in life is rosey. It's about family, and he is a member of the family. And yes momma cries. I took my young son, and am glad I did. That was a bonding time for J and I, wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It's up to you. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Let us know what you decide and how it turns out.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

4sure said:


> I have a 9yo son, and recently went thru this same thing back in April when my dad died. I had the same feelings.
> 
> I decided we are a family we go as a family. We celebrate the good times and mourn the bad. Death is apart of life. This gave me the opportunity to talk to him about death, spending time with the ones you love while they are here, God and lots more.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

In my circle, we always take the children to funerals. I think it is part of life.

I remember when my grandfather passed away and was in the nursing home many years ago, my cousins came in and seemed shocked at nursing homes and funerals, even though they were in their twenties. I found that strange. 

I grew up going to funerals and nursing homes. I don't want to say it makes it "no big deal," I wouldn't want that anyway, but it helps people realize it is a normal part of life and removes the shock of the environment so to speak.

My cousins always puzzled me. I wondered, do people not have funerals where they live?:scratchhead:


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It depends on the child. I know some children in my family that would be better not to go because they are so sensitive that they would just get way too upset and worked up and it would be more stressful on them than if they stayed home. But there are other kids in my family that, while they may not understand death completely, can deal with what happens at a funeral and can somewhat understand what is going on. 

I remember being 21 years old and breaking down in tears at my grandmother's funeral - and I didn't like her. So, I don't think age is something you can really use to judge. I think you just have to look at your child and decide if you think he can handle it, and talk to him and find out if he even wants to go. He might have decided on his own already that he'd rather not go, or that he absolutely wants to go.


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