# It’s over - but no one has started the process…..



## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

It’s over and we are discussing separation and divorce:

I’m posting here to vent, heal, and read your opinion…..

Background:


This is both of our second marriages. We are both independently financially secure. We have no children together and our children from the prior marriages have completed college and are living on their own. We are in our mid 50s. 
We have been married for 12 years and we’ve lived in separate bedrooms with very limited intimacy for the last 3 year. Prior to that we were having marital issues (disagreements, hurt feelings, and resentment) for several years. 
We tried counseling several times but nothing worked and all attempts ended after a few sessions. We have given up on the hope for anything to change and now so many things have been said that neither one of us feel we could ever reconcile (ever!). It’s over and we both know it. 
As of a couple of months ago we have completely stopped all intimacy and there is no physical touching at all. We barley see each other while in the house together. We barley communicate at all, maybe a couple of txt messages a day. We both want to proceed with separation and divorce but neither of us are moving forward. Our home is silent and loveless. We now both live in separate areas of the house, come and go as we want, have separate bedrooms and bathrooms (as we have for years). And don’t plan any activities together. It’s one step away from toxic and feels horrible. 

I’m not 100% sure where she is in the process but I feel I’ve already gone through the stages of grief and I am accepting our imminent divorce and looking forward to the future. I feel she is in the same place. It took me a couple of years to get through the grieving steps but I do feel I have gone through them now, and we are still living under the same roof!

The problem is that neither one of us has made a move to separate or file and I actually don’t want to be the one to lead. Why? - I am still asking myself that….. Some of it is based on my Christian faith (although I’m a hypocrite and already divorced once). Part of it is I know how painful and difficult the process is but the last few months together are getting unbearably uncomfortable so staying much longer will probably start to be worse than delaying the inevitable. She also wants to divorce and I don’t know her reasons for delaying other than her Christian faith and I think she is still planning how to get back in the workforce to secure benefits and some income. Again, she is financially secure with monthly income form personal real estate investments and she has a very large investment portfolio and cash reserves. We have no debt other than a small mortgage remaining on the house. 

I’m just stuck, frustrated, lonely, and stubborn. Not a good place to be but I know it’s only temporary. I’m not depressed or angry, I've accepted. I So I’m venting, healing, and interested in what comments you have.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can understand the Christian aspect as really there is no Biblical reason to end the marriage,(sexual immorality and abandonment are the two reasons given in the Bible), but this living in limbo surely isn't helping anyone. You either need to pray and persevere and work hard at MC again and put real effort into getting back to the fact that you loved each other and choose to marry each other in the first place, or sell the house and separate. There is no real reason to have to get a divorce unless one of you wants to marry again, but at least you could get your own homes and be at peace.
Have you both spoken to your pastor about this??

We are both Christians and both previously divorced through no fault of our own. Married 16 years now, but if heaven forbid we did ever separate I doubt either of us would divorce. Neither of us want to marry for a third time, and its so expensive.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

The lack of sexual intimacy is a basic Biblical reason to end your marriage, so you don't need to justify anything to God. HE KNOWS. It's possible that this marriage was something He wanted you to have to teach you more about yourself, and it wasn't intended by Him to last your whole life. So if you have any guilt about it, DON'T. Just DROP that.

I was/am in a similar situation. I have lived with my STBX for about one year since knowing our marriage was over. We also are remote and basically roommates, and it does feel BAD. You have got to move forward, because if you don't, your situation is NOT "temporary". 

I had that uncomfortable conversation with him early last summer, and we sorted everything out easily and I filed a quick, cheap, no-fault divorce. 

YOU MUST ACT. Or else you are just staying in one place...a place you don't even want to be. 

There still was some sadness for me while filing and signing everything, and a weird feeling that I'm actually NOT going to be married anymore. But the sense of freedom and hopefulness is absolutely worth it.

You cannot start the next chapter of your life without closing the book on the one you are staying stuck in right now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have yourself stuck. Indecision is pretty common. Until you change that you’ll just keep yourself in limbo.
Is that how you want your life to be?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Just file. With both of you having assets and no joint children it could be a quick process. Why let things fester?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The person who files is the one who controls the process. 

File and move on.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

I spoke with my wife this evening. We’re going to sit down and do a high level assessment of our marital property acquired over the past 12 years of marriage to see if we can peacefully split our home and joint assets. She doesn’t want the house but I do.

She spoke to an attorney this week but hasn’t taken any action. I haven’t contacted one yet.

She said if we can agree high-level then we can sit down with a professional (mediator) to review our math and division calculation/results. If that pans out then we will mutually (and agreeably) settle the property. She would sell me the house for $1, move out, and I would keep the house. After that the divorce filing and process can be handled by our attorneys and we won’t need to appear in court since all matters are settled. We would just need to wait for the 90 day waiting period. 

Any problems with this process, assuming we land on an agreeable split of the marital assets?


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Justaguy321 said:


> It’s over and we are discussing separation and divorce:
> 
> I’m posting here to vent, heal, and read your opinion…..
> 
> ...


Punch out now.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

Jackba57 said:


> Punch out now.


Did you see my update in post #7. Do you see any problem with this approach? She feels the same way I do…..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Justaguy321 said:


> Did you see my update in post #7. Do you see any problem with this approach? She feels the same way I do…..


Sounds positive. Presumably you have other assets she will have if you get the house?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

As long as she doesn’t change her mind and get greedy. I’d go as fast as possible.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Justaguy321 said:


> I spoke with my wife this evening. We’re going to sit down and do a high level assessment of our marital property acquired over the past 12 years of marriage to see if we can peacefully split our home and joint assets. She doesn’t want the house but I do.
> 
> She spoke to an attorney this week but hasn’t taken any action. I haven’t contacted one yet.
> 
> ...


I think you may be a bit too easy. I watched my brother in law get eviscerated by his ex-wife’s lawyer. He now lives in a hovel. She’s big six figures, two homes. Get a lawyer and defend yourself if your divorcing.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> As long as she doesn’t change her mind and get greedy. I’d go as fast as possible.


I married a woman with more money than me. I do have the executive income but she has a college degree, was working professionally until 2 years ago, and has passive income.

I just want the house and out. The math should work.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Justaguy321 said:


> I married a woman with more money than me. I do have the executive income but she has a college degree, was working professionally until 2 years ago, and has passive income.
> 
> I just want the house and out. The math should work.


Just don’t get the idea she is fair about it. Work it.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

Jackba57 said:


> I think you may be a bit too easy. I watched my brother in law get eviscerated by his ex-wife’s lawyer. He now lives in a hovel. She’s big six figures, two homes. Get a lawyer and defend yourself if your divorcing.


I do plan to have a lawyer and if she brings one in early so I will be prepared. I did make it sound easy, but she will be exiting with a lot more money than she came in with and I am the one directly responsible for a majority of her gains. She can not, and will not, deny that fact - it’s easy proof…..


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Just remember, third marriages fail at even more of an alarming rate the second, which is higher than the first. Don’t add to the statistics.

If you can do it peacefully and fairly, get it done quickly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you have an agreement pay a lawyer to draw it up and file properly. You can both sign and it's quick.

That's what ex and I did. He didn't want a divorce but he was heavily invested in image management and was terrified I'd tell people about his trash ex gf that he had on the side.

I paid the lawyer and he told me it's quite easy of you already have an agreement.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Just remember, third marriages fail at even more of an alarming rate the second, which is higher than the first. Don’t add to the statistics.
> 
> If you can do it peacefully and fairly, get it done quickly.


Maybe I should skip the third and go straight to the fourth,….😜

“If you can do it peacefully and fairly, get it done quickly.” - Yes, I want all three but will settle for any two….👍🏻


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

We spoke again this morning. She hasn’t hired a lawyer but has consulted with two. She said she is also agreeable and greatly wants a peaceful, fair, and fast settlement and divorce. Neither one of us want to fight. Even though I am cautious and not being naïve, I do trust what she says and we have picked this Tuesday to sit down to do a “high-level” assessment of our marital property/gains. we want to agree peacefully to decide where we need further professional help with calculations where our “high-level” opinions might differ and/or should have a professional eye evaluate. We do have some rather complex pre and post marital properties/investments to evaluate so some outside help will be needed before we actually settle. We will both need legal counsel to review and advise each of us before our final settlement is penned but neither of us want a fight, so I’m cautiously optimistic. 

Instantly the mood in the house has changed and we engaged in friendly conversation. The “almost toxic” environment is at least temporarily gone and our friendship and love of person is present as we both are at peace knowing it’s inevitable and we need to move on in our separate ways. There was no issue with infidelity or “fault” on either side (I’m certain of this) during our marriage, we just determined that we are wrong for each other and need to divorce. We tried, prayed, and grieved over the past 5-6 years (1/2 of our marriage). I feel so much better today, although divorce is a hard thing to “look forward to” and the situation is sad. In the beginning there was so much love!……..


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

Thank you all for the replies! I will update again as things proceed and I will continue to read your comments.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Good luck to you. It sounds promising.

I remember my sit down. We got a sitter for the kids and planned several hours. The first question she asked was what custody I was looking for. I said joint legal custody, 50/50, no child support either way. She laughed and said she’d give me every other weekend and a dinner with my kids Wednesday nights from 6-8pm. She wanted full child support (about $2400/month). We ended the “talk” in less than 3 minutes and the gloves were off. The rest is history. I hope you guys can agree to the major issues.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Good luck to you. It sounds promising.
> 
> I remember my sit down. We got a sitter for the kids and planned several hours. The first question she asked was what custody I was looking for. I said joint legal custody, 50/50, no child support either way. She laughed and said she’d give me every other weekend and a dinner with my kids Wednesday nights from 6-8pm. She wanted full child support (about $2400/month). We ended the “talk” in less than 3 minutes and the gloves were off. The rest is history. I hope you guys can agree to the major issues.


That is exactly how my first divorce went including the support amount back in 2002! Exactly! It also ended that way since she remained in the school district and she was a stay at home mom during the marriage…… 

We have already discussed the “framework” to make sure our “sit down” would be productive. Again, cautious but optimistic……


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Sounds exactly what’s happening inside my house, silent, nothing, except that we have kids staying with us. LOL

anyway, sounds like the only reason no one is leaving the house is because no one started the process. I don’t know what you are waiting for? Just get some advice on how to start, then proceed with it.


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## Justaguy321 (Aug 20, 2021)

Update:

Our discussion last Tuesday didn't go exactly as I had hoped and we ended up not being able to finish. Later that week I drafted a division of property proposal and sat with her to review. I felt it was fair and I presented it with detailed calculations and facts. She understood all of my points and thought it appeared fair. she asked for a few weeks to review and seek advice. She also asked for some of the background material I used for the calculations.

The next day I provided all of the background material she requested and she told me that she did share it with other(s) and she/they thought it could work. She realized what I asked for was fair and that it would save us a lot of time, effort, and money if we could agree between ourselves. Our estate has some very complex personal and business components. I think we both see that she stands the chance of receiving less and I am fine with taking only what I have asked for. 

At this point I feel we might have an agreement. I spoke with my attorney and reviewed the proposal with him. If my wife does agrees with the proposal, he would write the final settlement agreement for her attorney to review. Once executed he would include the settlement agreement with the divorce filing.

To be continued......


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Justaguy321 said:


> It’s over and we are discussing separation and divorce:
> 
> I’m posting here to vent, heal, and read your opinion…..
> 
> ...


Bear in mind she has a plan for the end. She's just not telling you. You will be blindsided you don't open your eyes my friend. What's your plan?

She's getting her ducks in a row. Do not doubt that one bit.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Justaguy321 said:


> Update:
> 
> Our discussion last Tuesday didn't go exactly as I had hoped and we ended up not being able to finish. Later that week I drafted a division of property proposal and sat with her to review. I felt it was fair and I presented it with detailed calculations and facts. She understood all of my points and thought it appeared fair. she asked for a few weeks to review and seek advice. She also asked for some of the background material I used for the calculations.
> 
> ...


Outstanding!

Just don't get hornswoggled.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I can understand the Christian aspect as really there is no Biblical reason to end the marriage,(sexual immorality and abandonment are the two reasons given in the Bible), but this living in limbo surely isn't helping anyone. You either need to pray and persevere and work hard at MC again and put real effort into getting back to the fact that you loved each other and choose to marry each other in the first place, or sell the house and separate. There is no real reason to have to get a divorce unless one of you wants to marry again, but at least you could get your own homes and be at peace.
> Have you both spoken to your pastor about this??
> 
> We are both Christians and both previously divorced through no fault of our own. Married 16 years now, but if heaven forbid we did ever separate I doubt either of us would divorce. Neither of us want to marry for a third time, and its so expensive.


So, Diana, my wife and I are both Christian and this is a 2nd marriage as well. I am wondering how to reconcile staying together unhappily. Like....if you technically do not get divorced, but still live separately and do not interact....but technically stay married for religious reasons....does it really count? I mean yes legally you are married but is it even a marriage in the biblical sense anyway??

Serious question-- I know you have expressed your faith and wanted to get your thoughts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MODERATOR NOTE: Please continue your debate on religious topics in the religious forum and not in somebody else's thread. Thank you.


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