# Am I ruining my wife's life and happiness?



## Andronofon (Jun 15, 2014)

Hi. This is my first post. I usually dont reach out to strangers this way, but I feel this is the only way to get impartial advise that friends and family never can give.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We moved overseas almost immediately after the wedding as I was offered a brilliant, once in a lifetime job opportunity. Although I knew she would be leaving her family behind, I hoped that she would enjoy and embrace the experience and we would be happy and successful. She has hated living here since we moved. We made friends but mostly these were just my colleagues and my wife did not feel part of the group, although nobody intended to exclude her. 
Her feelings about the place meant that I couldn't put in the time and effort required to be successful at my place of work, which requires a lot of dedication. 
She has let me know that I brought her to this place and she wishes she could go back and undo the past 8 years and have her youth back. There is a 10 year age gap between us and I know I have a more future-focussed outlook on life.

I feel incredibly guilty for taking this young, happy, attractive woman and robbing her of the experiences that most women get in their 20's. Instead, we moved to Europe and ended up in the work-home-work rut because she was so reluctant to mix with people. As we don't have our own seperare friends, we do everything together then have nothing to talk about. When I did go out with my friends but without her, I was accused of flirting with my women friends purely because I didn't say anything much about them (there was nothing to say) so I don't go out anymore.

I know I am rambling. I know my wife is a negative person and there were signs of that before we got married. But there was also a lot of laughter and happiness which has now been replaced with frustration and passive aggressiveness. And I know it is this place, where I brought her to, which has done this and therefore my fault for being selfish all those years ago.
How can I make amends for what I have done so that she isn't unhappy for the rest of her life? She won't tell me what she wants and says that I will decide for her, regardless.
Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thank you.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

We don't have enough details to fairly advise you.

I suggest counseling for the both of you to figure out if the marriage can last or if you should split.

With regards to the job opportunity, rarely are they a brilliant, once in a life time opportunity.

I am a high career flier. I have had many "once in a lifetime" opportunities and have taken some, passed on others. If you're good you will have multiple options. If you're not that good, rarely do you get that lucky for a singular opportunity that can change your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like she wants you to recognize you were "wrong" and agree to move back. Do you want to do that?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

You had a good run, doing things that you wanted to do, and that would make you happy. It can be a lot to ask of someone to uproot them from their friends and family, expecting them to just start over again.

Maybe for the next chapter of your lives together you could let her take the lead, to do what she wants and that would make her happy.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Andronofon said:


> I feel incredibly guilty for taking this young, happy, attractive woman and robbing her of the experiences that most women get in their 20's. Instead, we moved to Europe...


Honestly, you make it sound like Europe is some third-world, undeveloped barbarian culture. I bet most sophisticated European women would take pause at your comments. There are MANY 20-something American women who would have jumped at the chance to live abroad in Europe for awhile with the man they love, meet new and interesting people, learn new languages, travel, etc.

The real problem (as you've already pointed out) is your wife is a negative person who chose to see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full. You state that the signs were there before you even got married.

You didn't "steal" her youth from her; she "wasted" her youth by moping over what most people would see as the chance of a lifetime.

Is this someone you still want to be married to? I second the recommendation to see a counselor.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You don’t give enough information.

How old are the two of you?

The country you moved to makes a difference. Europe is a big place. Some countries are easier to live in than others. 

Does she have a job? Or is she home alone most of the time?

You say that you two do everything together outside of work. How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you? I mean fun things.

She accuses you have flirting with female friends when you are out. Why are you out with female friends?


.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My husband moved us to France and then India in the last decade. France can be a hard place to fit in for an American. I know I was scared to do much socially.

When we had the opportunity to go back to America, I jumped.

The first day we were in India, I cried. I mean sobbed deeply. I literally begged dh to buy the kids and me tickets back to America. He said no, that I just had to give it time. 

I cannot say either was exactly a deliriously happy experience, though we learned a lot. We saved money in both of those places (because we stayed home all the time; everything was so expensive in France, and in India our son was diagnosed with cancer, so it was more practical to stay home), so I was grateful for that. We fixed up our house in America with that money.

Because of the positions my husband had in those countries, he now has a better job than he would have without those experiences.

I would encourage you and her to take a long range view of this. Point out the benefits to her. 

One big difference between her and me, though, is that I was not attached to my parents and siblings at all, so that was not a problem. I just missed the easy American lifestyle, and all the freedom and diversity we have here.

And offer her the chance to split up, if that is what she truly wants. Not everyone can just give up their family of origin, and cling to a spouse. And it may be that that is what is needed to accept a life abroad.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Need more info on the situation.

I'd be curious as to whether she knew about this great opportunity to travel to Europe for your career well before the marriage, just before the marriage or very shortly after the marriage. Timing will be a big deal. If she knew well enough in advance, then she made an informed decision to go to Europe with you only to regret it later. However, if she just found out right before or right after - and especially if you told her this is how it was going to be and she had to suck it up - then her resentment could be building to the point that she just leaves you or cheats on you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date her before you got married? 

C


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Offer to move back to the States.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

As someone who lives in Europe( it is a third country I have lived in), I can tell you that it does not matter where you live, what matters is that you are a happy and content person.
Your wife strikes me as someone who is not happy deep down within herself and is blaming her inner problems and insecurities on the place you live in.
What also worries me is the fact that she does not communicate what bothers her with you.
Unless she starts discussing her problems with you or a therapist/councilor, I see trouble in your marriage ahead.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It seems that this marriage has been about you and your wants/needs. Was she completely on board with moving or did you inform her that you were going? She says that no matter what she says you'll decide, suggesting that you make the decisions and she doesn't feel that she has a voice.

And your comment about your superior maturity is pretty condescending; if she was so immature why did you marry her? Hotness? A mature partner understands that the wants/needs of both partners need to be considered for the marriage to be successful. Is your marriage an environment where your wife can come to you with wants/needs that conflict with yours and are still given equal voice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I watched a House Hunters episode where the wife REALLY REALLY didn't want to move to her husband's new job location. And he knew it. So he made a deal with her: (1) she could choose any house she wanted in the new city, it was ALL up to her, and (2) her mom could move with them to help watch their toddler and so she could have some companionship. This woman was really unhappy to be away from her home and extended family, but the husband really bent over backwards to make it as easy on her as possible. I thought that was pretty cool.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I just want to add that as much as I disliked living in France and India at times, I learned things from doing it that I just could not have any other way. And our kids did, too.

I'm really glad dh did not give in to my wanting to leave India on the first day. I literally had to be forced to stay there. But I would have missed out on so much if I had gotten what I wanted.

I hope you and your wife can take the long term view, OP. She has been given an opportunity that not everyone gets. I hope she can learn to appreciate it. Please stress this to her.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i have been in europe and the mideast enought to realize that the CULTURE is VERY DIFFERENT. Most countries are NOT very welcoming to foreigners.

Why dont you come home? Move back to her hometown, and she will be happy as a clam in mud.


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## Andronofon (Jun 15, 2014)

Hi All. Thank you for all the replies. I'll try to answer/respond to all the points raised - sorry if I miss some.

Age. I'm in my 40's. My wife is in her 30's. 
I learned about the job offer a few months before we were married. She was very supportive as she knew what a great opportunity it is for someone in my field. Imagine a Catholic being offered a position in the Vatican. Well, it's along those lines (except nothing to do with religion!) But since then, she has said that she only agreed because she thought I would leave her, or resent her for not allowing me to take the opportunity - which I guess is true - I'm human and had ambitions which I was working towards before I met her. I shouldn't be expected to give them up at the very last minute because I met her, should I ?

Location; We live in a nice European country (I don't want to give too much away for identification reasons). It's a nice place, but can be difficult to get things done. We could have a great social life - we're surrounded by many different nationalities. So I don't know why not to embrace this and go with the flow! 

Superior Maturity: I never said I feel superior. I am more mature and have the feeling that I need to be able to provide for both of us in our old age. This is something which I know my wife never thinks about - not because she is immature, but I think it is something she's not yet thought about or doesn't want to think about. She was quite sheltered from such life-facts by her parents. 

Pre-marriage dating: We were together 3 years before getting married. 

Jobs: She's currently unemployed, but this started whilst she was working. I know unemployment can have a very negative effect on ones outlook. But I am in the process of making a transition, giving up a very good job and looking for one in a place where she can also find work more easily. It's not easy and it takes time.

Time together: We spend virtually every evening together at home. Fun things? There's not a lot of fun things to do where we live. And as she doesn't like my friends, it is even harder. We've made some friends who we mutually get on with, so that has helped. But it's taken some years to find these people that have made a positive impact on our lives.

Female friends: I wasn't out with "female friends". I was out with friends. Some were male. Some were female. The alternative would be to go out with only male friends... which is probably worse as I could be accused of hitting on women during a 'boys night out'. 

Move back: This is one of the options on the table. For me, it's difficult. My parents would be too far away and I probably would never see them again if we moved back "home". However, it is a possibility if it means we can both move forward with our lives and careers. I wouldn't say the move here was 'wrong' as Openminded says. It's been very educational, very positive for both our careers and we have met some very nice people who we will keep in touch with. If we'd not taken this opportunity, it is impossible to say if life would be better or worse. I know I would have regretted not doing it. But now I also regret doing it for my wife's sake. :-/

We have contacted a councillor and will give that a try. I don't know if counselling works or not (interested to hear of others experiences). 
I guess it depends as much on the councillor as it does on the 'patients'. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel that I'm a reasonable person. When she does have a good time, and is happy, I see again the person I fell in love with. She has a great smile and beautiful eyes. But I don't want those things to disappear when we're just having a normal time! Of course, nobody is happy all the time. But there is a difference between not being happy and being unhappy. 

Thanks again for your replies. Sorry if I didn't address all of the points.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are looking at external reasons why she is so unhappy but you also need to consider that she may be clinically depressed. Happiness comes from within & some people can be happy living in a cardboard box. Be careful owning all of her unhappiness because that is enabling. She also seems resigned to letting you make all of the big decisions for her life which makes me wonder why she feels she has no voice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As someone with a 19 year age difference with my hb i'm of the opinion that the younger partner must be a strong personality for there to be real equality, or the older person will naturally assume the lead role. I sense that's what happened here: you're older, you had big plans for your life, and your wife just fell into your life. That's not a knock on you, it's natural for this to happen. It would've happened to us too if I wasn't a type A steamroller.

Here's the real flaw in your thinking: you feel you shouldn't have to give up these big plans because you got married. Not true at all...once you become a couple her wants and needs become equally important and it's clear they weren't. Your wife from the very beginning felt saying no and speaking her piece wasn't allowed if it conflicted with what you wanted. You've admitted as much.....You have to balance your wants with her wants, and if you don't move in this direction your marriage may not survive, and even if it does you'll have a miserable wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Having a good paying job is great but money is worthless if you are miserable. If I knew that moving back home would have saved my marriage I would have pulled the wagon myself. JMO


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