# Hard time letting go and being friends



## ace0112 (Apr 25, 2014)

Similar to most out here, I have found myself after 16 years of marriage and knowing my husband for 22 years facing the hard truth of separation and divorce. 

He had an affair for 3 months that I discovered and confronted him on end of January. We quickly met with a marriage counselor that we only talked with 3 times before my husband decided he could not work on reconciling but needed individual counseling. So he did that a few times and his advice was to separate, find why he's unhappy, stir the pot. I don't think he got any marriage counseling advice, but he said the light bulbs came on and he has nothing left in his emotional tank for me, and it's been that way for years. He also says there have been things from the beginning of our relationship that he knew might be issues, but he looked past them. He claims he 'fit the mold' and married me, the responsible, smart, pretty, good person. 

If you believe in mid-life crisis', I think he is in one. He had started a new job last fall after many short term jobs that was super stressful and a terrible environment. The kids and I supported him and avoided him because he was always angry, and I believe this was what 'broke the camels back'. Too much financial stress, not feeling like he has succeeded professionally, too much responsibility, daughter just became a teenager, losing hair, and realizing he's not having fun like he did when he was 20 years old. 

Yes our marriage was in a lull, I have realized it does take two and I have some things to forgive myself for not doing better in our marriage. I had the $100k salary before kids, had lots of interests we did together, but when I became a stay at home mom I became the responsible, not spontaneous, losing outside passions, but loved raising my kids and being a great mom. I have had part time work for the last 6 years, but it only brings in $20k so it just helps some. 

We both agree that our couple outings and dates were not frequent enough and that is where he started to 'filter' what he shared with me and began disconnecting. I still felt like I connected with him, he is my best friend and my life partner and I accept the good and the bad and realized that marriages go up and down, and you find each other again. So I've been hanging in there, enjoying our dates and outings now that the kids are older, and was looking very optimistically to the future. He is pessimistic and would always say, I'm worried when the kids go to college that we won't know what to do. 

So we tried the trial separation, and still did family things explaining to the kids that we were working on our issues. After our spring break trip, he suddenly booked a hotel, and set up separation living at his sisters for the next month. The hotel was secretly done, I came to find out his affair person got him hotel points to use for him to be there for a week. She came into town and they went to a hockey game (in our seats, with our friend). So he has reconnected with his affair person. I've confronted him about this and he says "we cut it off, we are just friends, it's light hearted discussions'. Do I believe this, no. He is also back on a business trip in her town and this week. I'm assuming the worst, but he is giving me the "we are just friends' speech again. 

Here are my issues - 1. He did not work on us, we did not try to 'date' to find if we could reconnect. I am just starting to find my outside interests again and feel more like an individual, but that takes time. 2. He did not 'find himself', and feel what it's like to be separated by reconnected with someone that gives him 'new, exciting, interesting'. 3. He hasn't really said he's remorseful for how things were ended, he has said sorry in a conversation now and then, but not really to the degree that I guess I need. 4. He and I agree to take this slow for the kids, and he desperately wants me to get a full time job. 

I know in my mind we are done, he is not trying, he is empty and wants to move on to something new, different, exciting, pushing boundaries. I'm just annoying right now, always discussing reality, finances, kids, and I can't help being jealous and bringing up the other person and why he can't just admit they are more than friends.

To move on, I want to trust him again, I want to be able to respect him for ending our marriage the 'right' way, so that we can be friends and the best co-parents we can be. I'm having a hard time liking him right now by the way he has moved on and not trying. I guess I'm holding on thinking maybe he will try one last time, but in the end, am I the one to say too late?

Thanks for reading, I haven't written all of this down before, and I'm on this emotional roller coaster trying to be friends, but not being able to. 

Any advice on how to get my mind around letting go and moving on would be great. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on what life can bring, but then think about all these dreams and trips and family things we always talked about and I feel that great loss again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He lies so much, so why bother acting nice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turningthepage (Apr 11, 2014)

Hi ace,
Sorry to hear your story. It is normal for you to feel a great loss. On the other hand, with pain comes an opportunity for growth and for you to makes changes in your life.
Yes, marriages do go through lulls but after 16 years he knew this. Sounds like you have decent self-esteem. This is good and will help you in the days to come. 
It sounds like he may be dealing with some depression? Working in many short term stressful jobs can have a terrible effect on someone. Especially a man, where his value and self worth is tied to his work and performance. He would have felt great pressure to take care of the family and always worried about this.
I do believe in mid life crisis! Some people seem to snap and seems to happen to many in their forties. My ex wife seemed to change overnight. We were married 23 years, 22.5 of them seemed great to me. Not so how she remembers it. She turned bitter and hateful and is not the same person at all. 
You ask "Any advice on how to get my mind around letting go and moving on would be great".
"Doing the 180" is about the best process for detaching I've seen. The 180 | Being a Beautiful Mess
Be extra good to yourself and your kids. All the best.


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## Piggy (Apr 24, 2014)

Same issue with me. Turn out he cake eating. 
Wanted to try out the cake from the other side is nice, if not he will crawl back to you


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

He is a coward. You are doing the right thing by self reflecting and looking at your faults....but you did not make him cheat. He is choosing to take the easy way out...let him. Work on you. There are men out there who appreciate God's gift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Same here for me Ace, I know how you feel with so many years of marriage and trying to reconnect. We have been separated for 1 year and 4 months, he asked for divorce in January. H is 43. I believe it is a midlife crisis too, but dont know if I am trying to cover it like this


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

give your H exactly what he wants

when you give defiant people what they want

it rarely ever turns out as they had planned

he threw away all those years for a piece of tail

own your own mistakes and move forward

if he never admits his, he will forever repeat it

btw, what was your H's childhood like?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Don't worry about being friends. Concentrate on yourself, be civil and cordial and be an excellent co-parent. That is all.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Here are a couple words that might describe how your husband is currently behaving:

Jerk; d-bag; coward; a$$head.. I could go on and on but I wont. You wrote the following:

"I know in my mind we are done, he is not trying, he is empty and wants to move on to something new, different, exciting, pushing boundaries."

Let him go and love your children whn his mid life crisis is over he will regret it. Sucks!!

V/R
SOS


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