# Odd question about opposite sex friend



## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

OK, here goes.

My very best friend in the whole world before my husband (as he is now my bestie) is a dude. We were super duper tight. Like he lived with me for a few months in H.S (I'm a small town hick, low income, strange morals, don't ask) We have slept in the same bed together, spent hours on the phone, I love this guy, in a very platonic way. The husband had questioned if I slept (had intercourse, duh) with him a few times, and I told him the truth "no". I've hugged him. Like you hug a friend. That's it. One time he smacked me on the butt in his sleep and I rolled over and was like "DAFUQ MAN?" but he apologized, and we laughed about it. That is as sexual as it ever was. 

ANYWAYS.. fast forward 9 years. OBF (old best friend) has had some trouble, he got mixed up in all sorts of badness and is now clean and sober for 2 years. I know this because he asked for my number via FB, I gave it to him, and he called and told me all about it. He then said he was thinking about moving to my are in a year or so. I'm kind of excited! Like I said, this guy and me are great friends!

Now, I've told the hubster all this, because why hide something that shouldn't be hidden? But I wonder if it's crossing the line. His best friend was a chick, and I'm not sure if I'd want her around (although he slept with her.. once, he said*eye roll*) But I also don't think I'd be against it if I were aware and if we hung out mutually. 


Also know my Hubby knows my "old" best friend. They didn't get along or not get along.. they just were kind of like "hey" but it was only two or three times they met. My OBF thinks My Hubb is the best for "putting up with my crazy face" for so long.

What are the husbands thoughts on this kind of thing? Is it crossing some sort of line?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Given what you wrote, he sees the OSF as a threat to his marriage. there probably isn't much you can do to change that perspective. I really doubt he believes you were not intimate.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> Given what you wrote, he sees the OSF as a threat to his marriage. there probably isn't much you can do to change that perspective. I really doubt he believes you were not intimate.


I honestly don't know if he believes me, I'd say he does, just because I'm not a liar.. I'm not known to lie (OK, I lie, everyone lies. I just lie about stupid stuff like who fed the dog last) But maybe not. 

He (H) hasn't told me he doesn't like me speaking with OBF or anything, I just don't want to push it.. H likes to not speak about emotions until they go KABOOM.. and I was just trying to get male insight.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ask your husband - it's his opinion that matters, and maybe there's a compromise that will work that will preserve your friendship and not harm your marriage. Personally, I know I can trust my wife, and we both have OSF, some of whom are former lovers.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Ask your husband - it's his opinion that matters, and maybe there's a compromise that will work that will preserve your friendship and not harm your marriage. Personally, I know I can trust my wife, and we both have OSF, some of whom are former lovers.


This makes total sense, however.. My wonderful Hubby is suspicious by nature, so if I ask him "Does it bug you if I talk to OSF?" He will think I'm saying "I'm planning on doing something bad. How mad will you be?" It's just the way his mind works.. God bless him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Then ask him if there's a way you can maintain your friendship that would be acceptable to him, maybe include/copy him in ALL conversations and meetings? If not, then I guess you cut off contact with your friend to safeguard your marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Fraught with Danger, is how I would describe your situation. A good deal of the danger lies in your belief that nothing will go wrong. Wake up!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sarantonio said:


> (although he slept with her.. once, he said**eye roll**)


This is funny because it is exactly what I did when you typed this:


> We have slept in the same bed together, spent hours on the phone, I love this guy, in a very platonic way. The husband had questioned if I slept (had intercourse, duh) with him a few times, and I told him the truth "no". I've hugged him.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is funny because it is exactly what I did when you typed this:


Lol.. I can see that. Irony at it's best.

But I'm not lying, I have no reason TO lie. I hadn't heard from my OBF for years, so its not like I'll be heartbroken if I don't hear from him again, I'd just like to, but not at my H's expense.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

“that weird drunk guy that orbited around you is back in town, awesome!!!”, said no husband, ever.


remember boundaries, and transparency are the rule.

Also, your old friend might have changed, and maybe has different thoughts about you now.

hopefully not, but don't be a naive bunny...he's still a guy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So long as you both have opposite sex friends just make sure you're both are on the same page about what your boundrys are and shouldn't be a problem.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is easy. Dump the friend.

The fact that you are posting and know there is a risk of friction in the marriage but still pushing to meet the guy? Wake up this is red flag city.

Longing for having a relationship with another man is something if I was your husband would be very unsettling.

If H asked did you sleep with him means, "I think you slept with him and don't like him"

Not worth it. But my guess is you'll press things anyways. H will resent you if you do. Good luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He could visit us as a couple if Mrs. Conan was in your position.

Mrs. Conan wouldn't cross our boundaries and if her friend from high school did he would commit suicide by Conan.

But that doesn't matter.

What does your husband think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> So long as you both have opposite sex friends just make sure you're both are on the same page about what your boundrys are and shouldn't be a problem.


She said "was" so, I'm wondering if he still has this close female friend.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just caught the part where your H doesn't really care for him.

If I didn't like him and he had been in the same bed as my wife in the past, probably going to be problems.

I'm a bad ass though. The guy probably wouldn't want to come around if he wasn't friends with me as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would suggest that you reevaluate your relationship with your OBF. He got into some real "badness" but is clean and sober now for two years.?. Does your marriage, at this point in time, need this additional layer of complexity? Can it handle it? These are answers only you and "hubster" can make but I would consider it carefully.

You haven't heard from him in years so maybe it might be best to keep it that way. Will the reward be worth the sacrifice? I wish you good fortune in deciding.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> This is easy. Dump the friend.
> 
> The fact that you are posting and know there is a risk of friction in the marriage but still pushing to meet the guy? Wake up this is red flag city.
> 
> ...



First.. Rude. Why would you assume I'll push things? Hate much? 

And I think it's all a valid point. I am sure I am talking myself out of realizing that I should discourage him moving closer. I appreciate the straightforward, and civil answers.

And, no, H doesn't dislike him, he doesn't like anyone at first. His very best male friend included.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sara,

Here's my take on this 

Your H thinks of this guy as a user who has kept you as a backup plan. The fact that your H and he are lukewarm may be as much due to the friend as to your H. Your friend may view your H as an impediment to having you. 

If your H had ex wifes or girlfriends cheat on him in the past it may also add to his sense of risk.

How would you feel if some female from your Hs past had slept with your H, no-sexual he claimed, and had contacted your H recently?

Tamat


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sarantonio said:


> First.. Rude. Why would you assume I'll push things? Hate much?
> 
> And I think it's all a valid point. I am sure I am talking myself out of realizing that I should discourage him moving closer. I appreciate the straightforward, and civil answers.
> 
> And, no, H doesn't dislike him, he doesn't like anyone at first. His very best male friend included.


See how defensive you are over it? Just confirms what I said. I gave you my advice and you did not like the answer. I see big issues with this guy around.

I assumed you would push it as in your posts you are postulating your husband's thought process and already contemplating how to work around it. 

Hate? Not at all. Just posting what I see.

This "friend" of yours screams trouble. He's even using his troubles as a way to get emotions going for you. The whole thing just seems off. Good luck whatever you decide.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Since you asked for a husbands opinion, here is mine. I don't believe that close OSFs have any place in a marriage. Once you say "I Do", you give up the right to have OSFs. This goes for both partners. Just my opinion.

Now if I were in your husband's position, I would ask my wife to keep this particular OSF where he belongs, in the past. Naturally I couldn't force her not to rekindle the relationship, but she would be putting the marriage at risk if she does. Call me insecure, I really don't care, I don't want my wife close to other men, no matter how platonic the relationship was/is. She will literally have to pick him or me.

How do you think your husband really feels about this.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

> I hadn't heard from my OBF for years, so its not like I'll be heartbroken if I don't hear from him again, I'd just like to, but not at my H's expense.


This says to me that this man isn't currently an extremely close or important friend to you. What is your current agreement with H regarding opposite sex friends? How frequent/much to converse, in public or in private? Generally if my H doesn't like the way a guy acquaintance looks at me, or think a male acquaintance has 'other intentions' - I'll respect that and won't give them the time of day (he is better at 'reading' men than I am). How your husband feels about you guys hanging out, should be the yard stick. So you will have to ask him. 

One way of asking, in a non-emasculating way is to say 'do you think OBF has romantic feelings towards me, like he'd sleep with me if he got the chance?" - if the answer is yes, I'd ditch the friend. Because your H would be uncomfortable any time you guys were together.

An _emasculating_ way to ask would be 'do you mind if OBF and I hang out and talk like old times?" translation - "are you man enough to handle me hanging out one on one with this guy I love [platonically] who might possibly want to bone me?". He'd feel obligated to say he doesn't mind, to not appear insecure or threatened by the other man. Ask what HE thinks about OBF's intentions, there's your answer, and it shows you respect your H's opinion.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Saran, I'm not trying to be intentionally harsh here, but you're naive. 

Your obf always wanted you, but respected you enough to not push it, probably because he didn't want to be kicked out. You blueballed him the whole time you were living together and he put up with it. Even if he were gay, he's still a red blooded, normal male. Of COURSE he wanted to sleep with you. Men and women don't cuddle without knowing what it leads to. (Unless, you're one of the married, sexless couples writing on TAM).

When you were living together, did he have girlfriends? Did he keep them? Did you enjoy monopolizing his time because he was your unattached bestie? Subconsciously, I bet you did. 

You're a married woman. That's a status change since you last knew obf. Friends can be transitory in your life. They are not always meant to be permanent. And when you're married, if they are not friends of the marriage, they should not be friends, period. 

My suggestion is, either include your husband in EVERYTHING you do with obf or wish obf well and let him go.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your marriage is most important thing to you,but reading your posts I got a feeling that your "best friend" is above your marriage and your Husband.

Your husband was there for you when you were sick,when you where happy,you shared the same house together and that is what I call BEST FRIEND.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

An OSF is one thing, but a drunk, desperate, drug-addled, poor-decision-making, I-want-to-move-to-be-close-to-you-for-support OSF is quite another.

I don't see your husband being particularly thrilled about this.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> The husband had questioned if I slept (had intercourse, duh) with him a few times, and I told him the truth "no".


Who are you to interpret what your husband / husband to be was asking. He didn't ask "Did your bestie penetrate one or more of your orifices." Yet, that is how you interpreted his question.

Imagine if you were to ever ask your husband "Did you ever have sex with her?" His first thought might "what a mind blowing blowjob she gave me." But since these days many women have downgraded blowjobs to just a handshake, his response to you would be "No," with the "duh" implicit. How would you feel if you were to ever learn the whole truth to that one?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why does your besty want to move near you?

Have you checked out his "story"?

If I were your husband, I would be watching you like a hawk now. Why? Because experience is the best teacher and I would not be believing half your story.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm not against OSF's, per se, but it all depends on the situation.

In this case, there was a closeness between the two of you that is currently now the domain of your husband (and you him). There was emotional support, and basically everything else found in a relationship, other than sex.

For all intents and purposes, you were a girlfriend to him, and vice versa, but not in the traditional way.

Furthermore, and touching upon what others have hinted at here, there is likely no doubt he wanted to, or would have, had sex with you if he had the chance. From your side of things, you didn't want to bring the relationship to that level - but thats YOU.

And that's where I draw the line with regards to OSF's - if one person (or both people) had chemistry, interest, would have dated or would have slept together, but didn't - it's all generally the same as if you had. If the interest or intent was there from even one of you, then it's a threat to your current relationship/marriage and, IMO, shouldn't be a part of your life going forward.

I have/had female friends throughout the course of my lifetime that I had no interest in that way, but they (sometimes obviously) did towards me. And vice versa. Once in a relationship or marriage, these people no longer belonged in my life. I knew it, they knew it. It's just the way things should be, if you take your relationship/marriage seriously.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't any other guys hanging around my wife. Plain and simple.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Men want to have sex with women, most men don't have a BFF that is of the opposite sex that they don't secretly want to sleep with and so your husband can't understand your perspective. In your husbands mind if he had a best friend who was a women he would want to have sex with her so it will be very difficult for him to understand how you could not want to sleep with this guy. Also it is possible that he will question why you need this guy in your life when you have him, he was the one you picked to spend your life with so why do you now need him in your life. I am not saying it is right I am just saying that is how men work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Satya said:


> Saran, I'm not trying to be intentionally harsh here, but you're naive.
> 
> Your obf always wanted you, but respected you enough to not push it, probably because he didn't want to be kicked out.*
> 
> ...


Nailed it.


OP, if you believe your BFF of old did not want to go the distance with you way back when and now I got a bridge to sell you.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

My best friend is a man that my husband doesn't like very much. BUT, he trusts him so he doesn't have a problem with me being friends with him. He doesn't understand why I put up with my friend's flakiness (he's really disorganised and terrible at managing his time - my husband is the sort of person that has to plan everything well in advance, it's obvious they wouldn't get on), but as long as I don't drag him into our 'adventures' he doesn't care.

We spend time together alone and it's no big deal, because:

1) My husband knows he's welcome to come along, he just doesn't want to.
2) My husband has female friends, so there's no double standard
3) We both have unrestricted access to each other's email accounts, social media, etc. Not that we use it (at least not to my knowledge).

There's a clear context to our friendship though. We're both obsessed with a particular, relatively niche activity. We're both self employed and have complementary skills so we've started throwing business each other's way. As we got to know each other we found out we had other stuff in common. It makes sense for us to be friends. My husband doesn't share ALL of my interests, and if I start waffling on about the minutae of something he's not interested in he will roll his eyes and go "can't you save that for Jim?"

I'd be curious as to whether the OP's friendship is that sort of context, or whether it's just some guy that she talks to about stuff. Let's face it, adults lead busy lives and only have room for a handful of REAL friendships. I choose people that add a lot to my life. I don't have time to be chatting to guys because I used to know them when I was younger and had fewer obligations, and I think they're funny. If I was constantly talking to guys about "not much", my husband wouldn't like it, but he knows why I have the friends I do and he supports it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sarantonio said:


> OK, here goes.
> 
> My very best friend in the whole world before my husband (as he is now my bestie) is a dude. We were super duper tight. Like he lived with me for a few months in H.S (I'm a small town hick, low income, strange morals, don't ask) We have slept in the same bed together, spent hours on the phone, I love this guy, in a very platonic way. The husband had questioned if I slept (had intercourse, duh) with him a few times, and I told him the truth "no". I've hugged him. Like you hug a friend. That's it. One time he smacked me on the butt in his sleep and I rolled over and was like "DAFUQ MAN?" but he apologized, and we laughed about it. That is as sexual as it ever was.
> 
> ...


So the real question is "Can a man and a woman be friends without the possibility of sex?"

The answer is: Yes, if either of them is exclusively gay, or one of them finds the other repulsive. Otherwise, no way.

See "When Harry Met Sally" for a more extended explanation.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Maybe it is all platonic for you, but not for him. People do not move closer to "just" friends like this. You had this one instance when he had shown he was interested in you, but you did not reciprocate, and he kept it to himself after that. But he is interested. 

He is sober now and looking for one things that used to make him happy in the past - you. 

Which means this won't be good for him or your marriage. Let him go, so he can let you go and move on with his life, instead of living in the past.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

Wow. This blew up overnight.

So I asked my husband point blank "Do you mind if I talk to Jon?" And he responded "Should it?" I told him no, I don't think so, but I dunno because I'm not him, blah, blah, blah,blah.. (I'm REALLY good at stretching 10 words into 100) and he asked me "are you reading those marriage blogs again?" LOL. THIS is why I love the man. He basically said he doesn't care if I talk to osf as long as it doesn't get in the way of what we are doing as a family ( I feel this sentence will be nitpicked, please don't, I know what my H is articulating) I say, fair enough.

As for why osf is contacting me, I think it's because I'm the only one who won't judge him. Maybe I should have put it more in terms of he feels like a brother, so everybody understands. We both grew up in broken homes with single drug abusing moms.. The only person I could talk to about some of the really bad stuff was him, and visa versa. 

My husband led me away from that type of life, and I think my old friend is thinking if I did it, maybe he can,too.

Also, for whoever asked, yes he had girlfriends, as I had boyfriends.. We all hung out together without weirdness ( minus the one time his gf cheated with my bf. That was awful)


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Sarantonio said:
> 
> 
> > First.. Rude. Why would you assume I'll push things? Hate much?
> ...


Of course I get defensive over this! I'm upset that someone who doesn't know me, my character, or even my dang hair color would assume that I'll "push things" like I'm some heartless harlot that'll do whatever makes me happy. I very firmly put my husband's needs over mine. Not because I have to, because I want to out of love. 

Jeeze Louise.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Sarantonio said:


> Of course I get defensive over this! I'm upset that someone who doesn't know me, my character, or even my dang hair color would assume that I'll "push things" like I'm some heartless harlot that'll do whatever makes me happy. I very firmly put my husband's needs over mine. Not because I have to, because I want to out of love.
> 
> Jeeze Louise.


you are on public forum. People answer based on what you wrote and based on their own perception of what you wrote. So, jeeze Louse to you too


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Sarantonio said:
> 
> 
> > Of course I get defensive over this! I'm upset that someone who doesn't know me, my character, or even my dang hair color would assume that I'll "push things" like I'm some heartless harlot that'll do whatever makes me happy. I very firmly put my husband's needs over mine. Not because I have to, because I want to out of love.
> ...



Lol.. I'll take it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sarantonio,

There is a line you are crossing here which is perhaps not obvious, by having this other sex friendship you are allowing your H to have other sex friendships, and in the long run this may turn out to be very painful to you. You are even giving your H an allowance to seek these kinds of friendships. 

We all know that affairs often start out apparently innocently, but grow and grow into monsters, texting, becomes flirty texting, becomes picture sharing, until it becomes a full on affair.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sarantonio,

opps double post

Tamat


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sarantonio said:


> Of course I get defensive over this! I'm upset that someone who doesn't know me, my character, or even my dang hair color would assume that I'll "push things" like I'm some heartless harlot that'll do whatever makes me happy. I very firmly put my husband's needs over mine. Not because I have to, because I want to out of love.
> 
> Jeeze Louise.


I don't know about other people on the forum, but as far as I'm concerned, the one who is more likely to push things is your friend, not you.

And if you keep in contact with him, I wouldn't be surprised to see you end up here in a year or two with a different question... about getting divorced.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

For some reason, I just can't shake the thought in my head of the Molly Hatchet song 'Flirtin' with disaster'

Pretty much the theme songs for many of the OSF posts in TAM.


OP, so what is your plan? Have you discussed boundaries with your friend so you are VERY clear that there are limits such as texting, etc?

At a minimum I would recommend that. I still believe this friend is far more trouble and risk

In your post you are longing for a connection with him. That's not healthy to me. Your husband, is he a gruff Texan who has a lot of pride? Because as well as you may know him, he may not be 100% truthful about your "bestie". 

Tread very lightly here....


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

I basically plan on talking to him at a bare minimum until the relationship falls off. I want to be there for him, but I don't want to be his crutch either. 

I don't text him. I only accept his phone calls (well only two so far, a few weeks apart) my husband knows, and I don't walk away or anything like that. 

I asked this question here because my husband is very.... Alpha? I guess?.. He doesn't talk about feelings often, and I wanted some input as to what might go on "behind blue eyes" so to speak 

I appreciate all the comments from everyone.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm really wondering why you bothered asking here for advice when you've ignored the majority opinion and are going ahead.

Have you asked your husband what he thinks of your friends intentions, if HE thinks this guy would sleep with you given the chance? That's what matters, seeing as this guy is not a very important person in your life and hubby is.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sarantonio said:


> As for why osf is contacting me, I think it's because I'm the only one who won't judge him. Maybe I should have put it more in terms of he feels like a brother, so everybody understands. We both grew up in broken homes with single drug abusing moms.. *The only person I could talk to about some of the really bad stuff was him, and visa versa.
> *
> My husband led me away from that type of life, and I think my old friend is thinking if I did it, maybe he can,too.


The bolded is a statement that if my wife made to me I'd have problems with if it was about talking to another guy.

That's emotional bonding. 

If the male bestie is the ONLY one who can talk to you about your past struggles at the exclusion of your H, that's a big problem.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> you are on public forum. People answer based on what you wrote and based on their own perception of what you wrote. So, jeeze Louse to you too


The alternative is that you could pay $90 to $120 for someone you don't know to sit in front of you_ in real life _and nod for 45 minutes while talk.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> The alternative is that you could pay $90 to $120 for someone you don't know to sit in front of you_ in real life _and nod for 45 minutes while talk.


And also while having them tell you they don't give answers or suggestions just want the parties to work it out amongst themselves:smthumbup:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Interesting thread. Bottom line IMO:


You are a woman. Your OS (best) F is a guy who is not gay or more particularly likes sex with women. He fancies you and would love to bone you if he could. You can try and convince others that this is not the case but he would truly be one in a million if he didn't.

Now whether your husband is bothered by this or not is up to him. He can sit back and poke fun at "those marriage blogs" or he can turn to them when things go wrong - that is his choice. But it doesn't change the fact that your OSF has a sexual interest in you.

While I didn't have to think twice about the above two points, here is one that I often think and wonder about. While I know that a guy who is "friends" with even a moderately attractive woman will at some stage want to [email protected] her, I wonder if that is true for women. I know that you will deny it but you should really think about it - can you honestly say that you have never (ever) thought about [email protected] your OSBF ? Now a husband that doesn't even consider this might be super trusting or in some other part of the universe, be considered stupid (that is a separate discussion).


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> can you honestly say that you have never (ever) thought about [email protected] your OSBF ? Now a husband that doesn't even consider this might be super trusting or in some other part of the universe, be considered stupid (that is a separate discussion).


IMO, in all cases it can be considered the later, not the former. To be that trusting IS stupid.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Sarantonio said:
> 
> 
> > As for why osf is contacting me, I think it's because I'm the only one who won't judge him. Maybe I should have put it more in terms of he feels like a brother, so everybody understands. We both grew up in broken homes with single drug abusing moms.. *The only person I could talk to about some of the really bad stuff was him, and visa versa.
> ...



I understand what you're saying.. But the main word here is WAS. I speak to my husband about these things, but I'm assuming you're right. He is most likely trying to bond with me. I have no need to. He has a small part of my heart as any friend does, but I get that OSF are frowned upon here. And with all the infidelity posts.. I can see why.

I see it's most likely a bad choice to let him back in my life. I appreciate all the advice and will take it to heart (even though I know you angry posters won't believe me.. Lol)

Thanks to all who intended to help me see that I was lining myself up for trouble!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Sarantonio said:


> I understand what you're saying.. But the main word here is WAS. I speak to my husband about these things, but I'm assuming you're right. He is most likely trying to bond with me. I have no need to. He has a small part of my heart as any friend does, but I get that OSF are frowned upon here. And with all the infidelity posts.. I can see why.
> 
> I see it's most likely a bad choice to let him back in my life. I appreciate all the advice and will take it to heart (even though I know you angry posters won't believe me.. Lol)
> 
> Thanks to all who intended to help me see that I was lining myself up for trouble!


Sara.

My wife actually has many OSFs. I don't have any issues with them. I get along well with them.

However, my wife had a OSF like yours (didn't get into trouble - just was really close years ago). This one I had issues with. There was too much of an intimate connection between the two of them.

They fell out of contact for a number of years and events in life had brought them back into contact.

My wife had asked if I had an issue with her starting the friendship back up. Me, trying not to be controlling said I didn't mind. In reality, how could talking to an old friend do any harm?

If I knew then what I knew now.

I will tell you this "friendship" nearly cost my marriage. My wife became so locked into him that she all about forgot about me.

We are over that, but it caused damage and hurt that can't ever be repaired (or as the phrase goes, you can't unring the bell).

I don't think you are trying to line yourself up for trouble. You simply want something "good" from your past back in your life. But these types of relationships have a very insidious way of creeping in and destroying marriages from within, much like a cancer does.

Keep your plan and let him fade out. I would spare you the drama of my life experience.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sarantonio said:


> I basically plan on talking to him at a bare minimum until the relationship falls off. I want to be there for him, but I don't want to be his crutch either. My thoughts in your first post and his problems.* Do not make his problems become your problems. Be sympathetic but don't be the doormat*
> 
> I don't text him. I only accept his phone calls (well only two so far, a few weeks apart) my husband knows, and I don't walk away or anything like that. *These calls will be more frequent if you stop and call back immediately or answer on first call I assure you it will get worse. Let them go to voicemail. Call back when you have the time. Family first. H first always. *
> 
> ...


Keep in mind that your old childhood bud is probably something far different today.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Saran, I give my advice pretty matter-of-factly and bluntly. The truth is I don't have any expectations of it being followed or not. It's up to you what you do, how others may feel about your choices isn't your problem. 

It's just a forum of free advice, and we do in fact have a number of posters that are fine with osf, and each have a slightly different take on the boundaries that are necessary when having those sorts of friendships.

What I think many here appreciate, is a person that weighs things cerebrally, makes a conscious decision, and is aware and accepting of those possible consequences which may occur. That's just life. We can't make flawless decisions 100% of the time, and rarely do.


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