# Fight to save a short marriage?



## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

I've posted my "situation" in the "Going Through Divorce" section (Link) but not sure if it was the correct place to get the correct advice/insight. I've been reading posts from other people here and was able to relate in some ways; so i thought i'd share my story with this section to see if i can get some advice/insight...

I got married last year (March 2011) in India. It was an "_arranged_" marriage. I say "_arranged_" because we meet each other through family, and it was up to us if we wanted to get married or not. The "_arranged_" part is only our families introducing us. When i first meet my _wife_, i thought she is beautiful, from a good family, good education and over all good person. We discussed everything to know if we are compatible. I told her about my past relations, as i believe your past makes you the person you are now. I had asked her if she had a past, and she said no. I had asked her several times (before/after engagement, before marriage) and her answer was the same, NO.

Come March 2012, one night she told me that she had lied to me; and that she had a relation for 3 years before marriage. Shocked I asked her why didn't she tell me before? She said, "caz I might not marry her". I told her if she loved him for 3 years, why didn't she just marry him? She said, "caz he was already married".! This kind of upsetted me, she knew he was married and was still sleeping with him.

...next day i come to my senses and tell her "Its ok, as long as she doesn't love him any more and promises to love me more then him." She replies "I loved you since we first meet and never thought of him after meeting me."

We are pretty young (23 & 26) so i asked her if she was with him for 3 years, when did you break up with him? She said "2 days before getting engaged." I was really really hurt and upset about this. I felt she lied to me about "I loved you since we first meet and never thought of him after meeting me." As i sat there trying to convince my self "its ok, its ok"...

...she then tells me that she had an abortion with him "about" 6 months before getting engaged. At this point I didn't know what to think. A few weeks passed with me being confused. And we finally file for divorce...

Even though we are "divorced" now, I feel like i over reacted. And that I should get her back and remarry her. Even though i feel betrayed, i don't know if i should consider her actions as "Infidelity". I am not sure if her relation went on or no after the engagement. I don't know if i should trust her any more. Should i fight to save this marriage?


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Its sounds a harsh way to end a marriage, but I understand culture and religion probably play a part here, which may make it difficult for westerners to fully understand. However if you believe her that she has been faithful to you and that she loves you then that should be enough, don't spend time worrying about the past, think about the future and who you want to share it with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

A marriage built on a foundation of lies. Goodbye!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No, bad idea. Any woman that can sleep with a "married" man for 3 years is very bad news. And considering that she is from India(which is very conservative), it is even worse. She is most probably hiding more secrets from you and is in for the visa. You are acting incredibly naive. You are 26 , right? 

Listen to your family. If you can, find this guy and expose him.

Everything she told you was a lie. It was a relationship based on lies. You are infatuated with her somehow. Never believe such a person


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

Thank you for the responses.

"infatuated with her" - May be love her? May be it is an "infatuation"

Marriage based on lies, *YES*. but she did come clean (some?) now. Does that not count for anything?

I don't really care about "exposing the guy"; all i care about is my life right now and if this relation should be given another chance.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Pardon me, but it seems that every time you and her discus this, new revelations come out. She has bee trickle truthing you since your engagement, so why do you think she deserves another chance? To do what? Keep telling you more lies? This woman isn't ready for marriage until she can be an honorable person.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NeedHelp_ said:


> all i care about is my life right now and if this relation should be given another chance.


Lies aren't a good foundation to start a marriage, don't you think? If you remarried her, don't you think a lot of your arguments going to to go back to what she did? Even if you stopped talking about it, it will always be in the back of your mind and you will never fully trust her. Do you really want to begin again like that?

Look, you're both still young. It would be better to find another woman and start off with a CLEAN slate.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has at such a young age showed wanton disregard of morals and integrity. Why would you want to continue a relationship with her? Why do you want a life of misery and sadness?

Is your life that boring that you need her type of excitement right now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> No, bad idea. Any woman that can sleep with a "married" man for 3 years is very bad news. And considering that she is from India(which is very conservative), it is even worse. She is most probably hiding more secrets from you and is in for the visa. You are acting incredibly naive. You are 26 , right?
> 
> Listen to your family. If you can, find this guy and expose him.
> 
> Everything she told you was a lie. It was a relationship based on lies. You are infatuated with her somehow. Never believe such a person


They might not be from India. Many friends of mine from the Sikh, Hindu, Muslim communities in the UK get married in India. But are not Indian.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

If you are divorced right now .Then I suggest you read you're post once again.There is absolutely nothing to go on with.
Honestly,I can't imagine how you can consider laying down with someone who with complete disregard for another human being ,goes on banging some who is already married.
Honestly Indian women are extremely discreet when it comes to having affairs. Some that I know of have been having affairs blissfully behind their husband's back for years .
To be hell with her just get on with your life.You're 26 you can definitely land some one much better plus your "ex-wife" is 23 and a moral system already down the tubes.

And next time hire a PI service to do a complete background check on the woman since in an arranged marriage getting to know the complete psyche of the person is impossible.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

NeedHelp_ said:


> I've posted my "situation" in the "Going Through Divorce" section (Link) but not sure if it was the correct place to get the correct advice/insight. I've been reading posts from other people here and was able to relate in some ways; so i thought i'd share my story with this section to see if i can get some advice/insight...
> 
> I got married last year (March 2011) in India. It was an "_arranged_" marriage. I say "_arranged_" because we meet each other through family, and it was up to us if we wanted to get married or not. The "_arranged_" part is only our families introducing us. When i first meet my _wife_, i thought she is beautiful, from a good family, good education and over all good person. We discussed everything to know if we are compatible. I told her about my past relations, as i believe your past makes you the person you are now. I had asked her if she had a past, and she said no. I had asked her several times (before/after engagement, before marriage) and her answer was the same, NO.
> 
> ...


I think at this point it would be a mistake to get remarried. It seems an odd pattern of behavior for a spouse that is in love. I doubt she stopped talking to him after the engagement as well. The reason "I didn't think you would marry me." I can only tell you that she may be willing to be faithful but I know that the abortion thing would be the last straw with me. For personal reasons. Also a relationship based on lies is doomed to more lies. 
It is up to you and how you feel. You should listen to your head and your head. Don't do anything until your head and your heart are on the same page.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

badbane said:


> I think at this point it would be a mistake to get remarried. It seems an odd pattern of behavior for a spouse that is in love. I doubt she stopped talking to him after the engagement as well. The reason "I didn't think you would marry me." I can only tell you that she may be willing to be faithful but I know that the abortion thing would be the last straw with me. For personal reasons. Also a relationship based on lies is doomed to more lies.
> It is up to you and how you feel. You should listen to your head and your head. Don't do anything until your head and your heart are on the same page.


I that is the issue. My head say NO but my heart says YES. 

Actually even my head is some times lost. Even though the relation was based on a lie, she is now trying to come clean... May be she wasn't strong enough to tell me at first?... May be she trust me now which is why she opened up... May i should just leave the past in the past... May be this relation can go stronger if we can overcome this... idk


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

NH, we can't tell you how to live or who to love. If you think you can get pass the lies, then by all means take her back.


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