# Relationship advice needed



## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

My wife an I have been married for about 4 years now and have 2 kids. I have noticed that our relatioship changed a bit after the first couple of years and more so after the kids. I work and go to school full time while she is a stay at home wife taking care of our children. 

My wife has family 11 hours drive away and she has been constantly asking (at times demanding) that she wanted to stay 2-3 with her family this summer. Although I was reluctant I agreed that I was fine with her staying two month with her family during the summer and now that she is gone and I don't have school I am feeling lonely and depressed because I miss my family. I have friends and can keep myself busy but I dont feel like it and I just want to be with my family.

I called her and begged her if she can cut her stay maybe a week or two weeks short since I really miss them and I also wanted time to spend with them since school will start in a couple of weeks after they are suppose to come back. She got upset of her asking to come back and told me that she doesn't see me that often due to school and work anyways she wants this time to spend with her family.

When i'm busy with work and school is to provide for my family for present and the future. It is not like i'm on a long extended vacation. I'm feeling and to be honest have been feeling for a while that my love for her is not the same as her love for me. I don't know if I should not think anything of it since I was ok with it to begin with or if I should really be worried that she is not into me anymore for her to just ignore my plead to come back a little early???


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think its very possible that the intense loneliness and sadness you are feeling now you wife may feel fairly often. You are away much like she is away now.

When she gets back talk to her about how you feel. Ask her in a way that she'll respond to about if you love her more than she loves you. However, be prepared for her to have issues she hasn't really come to you with.

It's very very telling that she responded with your request for time with telling you that you are often gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

trust me when I tell you this, your marriage is in danger. stop pleading and begging. show some confidence that you want her back and you need her with you now.

Listen to her and acknowlodge her feelings or someone else will. Sometime we can be too nice and with that it is easy to lose respect from our spouse.

You can't control her , but you can inform her that the marriage is in trouble and it is in the families best interest to get home and fix it with you.

You need to show her that you are bettering your self for you and as far as you see this marriage is in trouble and needs immedaite attention. Her excusses will only deepen the problematic marriage.

Stop treating her like a wife and treat her like a women. Your excusses of work and school will only lead to more resentment. 

Be her best friend or someone else will. What are your priorities?

Stop being wishy washy and tell your wife that you want a change. You cant control her and you don't want to, but you are asking for her to make the dicision to either come home and help you repair this marraige or stay and let you move on. Are you prepared to make that kind of stand? Or you can stand by while she manages you instead of being the alph male that wants to protect his marriage.
She is totaly resenting your agenda. Rework your program with her in mind.
Time management buddy...your loosing your wife!

After being the great father and provider I lost being a lover. I treated her like a wife and someone else treated Mrs. the guy like a women. And this went on for years. Please address this now before the resentment builds so much that you loose each other.


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## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

First of all I would like to say I normally did not go for advice but the post above could not have been more true and I appreciate the advices I get from others even more because I feel that I can relate to what others have gone through before me and can only hope that It can help me before it is too late.

I'll try to keep it short since a lot have happened since I posted my original post but following back up on my original post I did not demand my wife to come back from her extended vacation early that summer but instead elected to let her stay the amount of time we agreed prior to her leaving. A week after she came back our marriage got into a real jeoprady when I caught her sexting a a very close friend and relative of mine that lived in canada who she new long before we even got married. I knew that they kept in touch as friends and I have been suspicious of the two before and we have fought about him before but it was over minor things and she used to say that I was blowing it out of proportion and that she didnt want him and that I was being Jelous. We have been through too much to list on here but I have tried to make the relationship work and after a few short splits we have gotten back together. 
I let her go back to canada this past summer to help her sister who was having a baby. This time it was completely different she tried calling me all the time and I was the one not intrested as the feeling of betrayel was still within me and I acted as I just didnt care. We got into a unrelated argument where a I brought up the person she was sexting and she was devestated and stoped calling me. In response I went to canada picked up my kids and we have been apart for 5 month which during that period she started calling me and wanting to get back together we finally got back together and I picked her up. 

As of now she has been a good wife and being more attentive to me and in return I have worked my schedule around so that I can be around her an the kids more often but to this day I have a hard time forgetting what she did. The worst part is even though I was suspicious of them not In my wildest dream did I expect her of cheating and even though I just seen the sexting and that is all she admited to but because of the betrayel and my lost of trust for everyone living she may have very well been having an affair and I just don't know about it. 
Bottom line is I don't want to have another regret It seems that our relationship is going very well but what she did to me is killing me inside but I dont show it and although I have forgivin I can't simply forget. The fact that we have been split and back together multiple time shows me that I don't want to be without her but It seems that more and more that I'm with her because she is the mother of my kids and I don't want that to be the basis of our relationship. I need any advice from anyone who can help I simply live the rest of my life like this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Huanito, welcome back.

Your post over in the other thread was a masterful summation of how the loss of trust affects a person and the marriage.

I think you should confront the issue head on. By that I mean you have to get everything out in the open and discussed. It seems you are holding back because you want to keep the family together. Or, in other words, you are making it a priority to avoid divorce.

I did the same thing. The marriage was horrible after the first child was born, but I made it my Prime Directive to avoid divorce. Doing so gave away any and all influence over improving the marriage. She learned I would give in on anything. I would avoid the big issues because they could lead to divorce. I gave in on little things before they became big things, because big things could lead to divorce.

Your wife sexting is an affair. It may not have been a physical affair, but it was an infidelity. As such you need to go through a proper reconciliation process. I recommend the book "After the Affair" for both of you. 

As a consequence for her dishonesty and cheating, she must submit to whatever monitoring and verifications that you need in order to rebuild the trust. So far you have put it on yourself to relearn to trust her, but she has not earned that trust through her actions. You have it upside down, probably because you want to avoid blowing things up into a divorce.

I suggest you get the kids DNA paternity tested. Do tell the lab the father might be a relative of yours because they need to know that to do the right testing. Also I think she should do a polygraph. Normally I am not a fan of those. In your case I think it establishes to her that a serious thing has happened and it is going to take a serious effort on her part to rebuild. It also can give you a data point which helps you believe she has told you everything. It does not erase her lies, but it does let you know she has told you the full truth now.


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