# I would like a womens perspective



## boots3236 (Jul 17, 2012)

My wife and I were married at a very young age. We were high school sweet hearts. We have three beautiful daughters with whom I adore and would gladly give my life for.

My Story: Two years ago, my wife began drinking and going out with her friends an awful lot. So much that she he was coming home drunk numerous times. This has been going on for two years now and now it has come to a head.

We have been at each others throats for this entire time. When she drinks she becomes wild and acts goofy and is very loud. I see this and due to my profession, I don't care for it too much and express my disgust in her actions. Well she doesnt like it. 

I admit early on in our marriage I wasnt around a lot, working multiple jobs to make ends meet so that we could survive. Now that we both have stable jobs she wants nothing to do with me(i.e. going out, just she and I, sex, kissing hugging, snuggling, etc.)

She has come to the conclusion that she thought it would be best that she and I no longer stay at the house together. She stays a few nights and then I stay a few nights. I have done everything in my power to try and fix this and she continues to say that she is not ready to change. She doesnt want a divorce, but she needs her space. During this first week of separation, she has told her family that this is working for her. Working as in the sense that she can do what she wants and not have to answer to me. I dont want her to have to answer to me I just want her to love me and love being with me as much as she does with her friends.

She has told me that none of her friends would chose to be with their husbands over their group of friends. The friends are more important. Ive asked her to go to counseling with me but she tells me that the counsellor will tell her she needs to change and shes not ready to hear that. I feel that she doesnt want to give a %100 percent to this relationship to try and fix and now that she is "single" she will like and conclude this 18 year marriage. 

If she doesnt want to get help is there anything I can do? Should I cut my losses and move on? I really dont want to but what should I do? 
Thanks for the help.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sounds like there is another man in the picture.

Needing space regularly comes up on this site and just about all the time it is so for the spouse to run the affair with less chance of getting caught.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you sure she is really going out with the ladies? My estranged husband used to tell me he was out with the guys, his brother, etc. That never was the case. Oh, he was out partying and drinking, but it was with young women. When a spouse wants their space, it's usually because they need more freedom.

You should probably stay put in your house. No need for her behavior to drive you from your house and your children. Besides, how's her current behavior look with children around?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My Story: Two years ago, my wife began drinking


Do you know why this started? What was going on about two years ago? How was your relationship just before then? Did something change?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

boots3236 said:


> My wife and I were married at a very young age. We were high school sweet hearts. We have three beautiful daughters with whom I adore and would gladly give my life for.
> 
> My Story: Two years ago, my wife began drinking and going out with her friends an awful lot. So much that she he was coming home drunk numerous times. This has been going on for two years now and now it has come to a head.
> 
> ...



Of course she isnt giving 100%, much less 1%.
She certainly is crediting her own actions.
If you werent in you werent around much due to being a work-a-holic for your family. I am one for understanding that completely. When you came home after those work hours how much did yo uput into the home?(emotionally-giving affection and being man of the house)
Of course she is going to say its working for her because its something that she is wanting.
After 18 long years of marriage, shes just now deciding that she needs her space....Odd, i think so!
If she is wanting this space, let her have it. I would put your foot down and tell her if she wants that space then she needs to make a final decision on it. Taking turns in your own home to accomidate her sleeping when she chooses is letting her walk all over you. She needs to stay somewhere else, as that makes sense for wanting space.
I hate this is happening to you.
Also, she is just saying that her "friends" would choose their friends over their husbands. Nice little ringer there. To condone how she is currently feeling at the moment. I am very on to believe she is seeing someone else as this is just now an issue of her wanting this so called "space"


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wtf? Not odd?

She wants to play the field! Soo fkn obvious! 

No! Wife's don't pick the friends over the husband! Seriously? That's just her way of fleecing the husband into thinking her behavior is A OK! She wants to go out and party. Without her husband. Simple!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I can understand the transition into changes. 
Space is nice, but to work your way around things and minipulate someone, No. 
Why say you dont want a divorce but want your husband to be relucatant in your actions of doing wahtever you want whenever you want. That is very odd to me.
Just trying to make an easy out for herself, getting him to agree on her space so in turn if it arises in conversation, arguement, she can say admittedly that he was ok with it. Its a trick.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just say no! Why are you putting up with this? Stay in your home everynight. If she doesn't like, TOUGH! Tell her she can choose to be a druken child, in which case you need to divorce her or she can work on getting sobber and improving her marriage. 

You are being taken advantage of. Man up and put an end to this.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Boots ill refer u to a website for u to understand it all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Shes che at ing boots. Hire a pi. Its plainly obvious
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

What do u mean it isnt odd. It isnt odd to you.
That a spouse is recommending each spends days of the week ALONE at home.....without the other. This isnt odd to you. Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Sounds like she is seeing.someone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Even if it did have to do with an "empty nest" syndrome of some sort, it's unacceptable. There is NO reason for Boots to be "booted" from his own home for behavior he finds unacceptable. There is no reason he should expect or allow her to call all the shots. 

Perhaps there's more to the story, and your "time away" was suspicious and drove her away to some extent, but whatever has happened is only relevant if she's willing to work on things. She isn't. 

The only she will become motivated is if she faces a crisis that she wants to avoid.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Why are you allowing your wife to.kick u out of your home????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## entrada (Jul 12, 2012)

docj said:


> Sounds like she is seeing.someone
> 
> yeah, and don't eliminate her friends(females) from the equation for now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife seems to be enjoying the single life.

Help her achieve this by serving her with divorce papers. Sometimes an action this severe can wake someone up.

Also do the following to rule out an affair:

1 - Put a voice activated recorder under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro
2 - Check your cell phone records and see if her number of texts/phone calls has increased dramatically to one or two numbers over the last few months
3 - Put a key logger on your home computer
4 - Move half the money you have in any joint accounts to an account(s) with only your name on them and remove her nmae from any joint credit card accounts. Why should you help underwrite her single life?
5 - Stop leaving the house when she's there. If she has a problem, let her leave. You leaving the marital home (even if for only a few days at a time) could be viewed as abondonment. Aslo, you being there all the time will show your kids that at least you are there for them always.

Good luck!


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

I am not one to assume the worst of people on here, but it sure sounds like she is playing you from what you describe. I would be very suspicious her "friends" are not all female. AND, if she doesn't have any friends who don't want to come home to their husbands than she is hanging with the wrong crowd. Sure, we like to get away from home once in awhile but not like she is. Plus, she's a drunk, I say kick her out and find a better woman.

"Put a voice activated recorder under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro"--by the way, this is (corrected) almost always illegal if you are not party to the conversation!! Don't ever record any conversation without knowing if it's legal there, she can sue your @ss bigtime for it. Plus you could be up for criminal charges.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

boots3236 said:


> Two years ago, my wife began drinking and going out with her friends an awful lot. So much that she he *was coming home drunk numerous times*. This has been going on for two years now and now it has come to a head.
> 
> We have been at each others throats for this entire time. *When she drinks she becomes wild and acts goofy and is very loud*
> 
> Ive asked her to go to counseling with me but *she tells me that the counsellor will tell her she needs to change and shes not ready to hear that*. I feel that she doesnt want to give a %100 percent to this relationship to try and fix and now that she is "single" she will like and conclude this 18 year marriage.


Do I see a cheating spouse in this scenario? Yeah, I do. Do I also see someone who might have kept their drinking under wraps for years, but something triggered the addiction to go full-blown and reveal itself two years ago? Yeah.

The gang she bar-hops with are probably a bunch of alkies too. Birds of a feather and all that .... 

It isn't unusual for an alcoholic to stumble into bed with someone, and forget the entire incident due to blackouts. Does that excuse the behavior? Absolutely not. Bad behavior is just that: bad (and inexcusable) behavior.

I hope the OP shows up again. I think he has more than a wandering wife on his hands. There is the distinct possibility he's dealing with an addict; one who doesn't want to change her drinking patterns.

Either way, it is time to get some firm boundaries in place. She doesn't want to change? Fine. She can leave. The OP has, in essence, allowed his wife to go hang out in bars for the last two years. TWO YEARS.

Time to say f*** this and find out just who she's hanging with and what she's doing. Now - as in yesterday.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A gf back in college told me she "needed space." I found out later that that really meant, "I need to test drive your replacement for a few weeks before I dump you."


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## boots3236 (Jul 17, 2012)

I do appreciate everyones input. Well lets see she is 36 now and is beginning to lose her hair. She was never able to have the party life in the beginning because she was raising our 17 year old. 

During the beginning we did a few things with eachother and as a family. But throughout the years we drifted apart. She never really had any hobbies but the kids. I had fishing. That was my thing, however, I would ask her to join me on tournaments when it was feasible. If there was not a lot going at the location then I would offer the choice of coming or not. This did also take up a large portion of my life. I was pretty good at it and would like to have seen where it would have taken me.

After she acquired her job she was able to connect with all these other women who are in her same boat, so she says. I also took another job, in the same field, and was excelling very well. But she did not like my friends I had there and asked me to return to my original place of employment. So I did. I had acquired my Bachelors Degree while employed and had one asperation when I graduated. She even allowed me to go through almost the entire process, 18 months, and then tell me she doesnt want to leave her mother. So I turned down the job offer.

She wanted me to give up my hobbies and concentrate on the family. I did sold the boat, fishing gear, everything to concentrate on the family and us. Now that Im asking her to do the same thing, Its an emphatic NO!!

As for the cheating, not happening. I've followed her looked through her phone, everything. Not an affair. Because thats what I thought of first. 

She says she wants me to go out and have fun, when Im not with her. How in the HELL can I have fun doing anything when I have this weighing on my mind. 

You know, I have done the pleading begging crying and such and it just doesnt sink into her. After reading other peoples sad stories of learned that Im not gonna do that anymore. If she wants to lead this life then she needs to tell me. Its just a matter of time of how long is she gonna drag this out before she says anything.

Just FYI I have a counselling appt. on Thursday and hopefully they can shed some light on my situation. But again thank you for all your responses. They were all well received.


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