# How was your dating life after divorce?



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

I have been seperated from my ex-wife for almost a year now (hard to believe) and we offically divorced in March. It was a very amicable divorce, nothing messy. In the begginning when we were seperating there was drama and fights but nothing anymore. We share a 2 year old daughter together and we co-parent fine. I keep communication at the bare minimum, I will not respond to her unless its something about our daughter/schedule/help. No hard feelings towards her just wanted to move on as fast as possible and we dont get along when we talk so whats the point? Anyways, my dating life has been not very good since seperated. I have had two “relationships”….the first one was very soon after we seperated so it didnt work out cause I was coming off as desperate and probably just not myself all the way around. She was gorgeous and nearly perfect and she dumped me out of the blue, it hurt worse than seperating from my ex wife. A month later i joined an online dating site (Bumble) and met someone a week later. We hit it off great and spent about 3-4 months hanging out and talking. She was ready to date but I wasnt, I didnt think she was the one because of some of her qualities I did not like. We still talked cssually until about 2 weeks ago and I cut it off completely. Have talked to probably about 15-20 women on online dating sites but none have gotten to even a first date. Some ghost me, i ghost some, some just die out quickly. I live in a smaller area close to Chicago (1 hour from city, 30 mins from suburbs) so this is where I get most of my matches from so thats why dates arent coming quickly. Not a lot of friends so I dont go out locally much and when I do its just the same people you know and have no interest in them or no interest in me. Most of my friends dont live in this area anymore or have GFs/wives so they dont go out. I thought after a year I would have found somebody already and it is stressing me out/giving me anxiety. I am a 28 year old man, have a child and want more and obviously want to get married again. Am I freaking out over nothing? How was your dating life after divorce? I know this is a long post, just venting lol thank you for reading and any advice would be helpful. I almost feel like there is a ticking time bomb on my dating life and time is running out, even though im still 28 and fairly young.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MattOly94 said:


> I have been seperated from my ex-wife for almost a year now (hard to believe) and we offically divorced in March. It was a very amicable divorce, nothing messy. In the begginning when we were seperating there was drama and fights but nothing anymore. We share a 2 year old daughter together and we co-parent fine. I keep communication at the bare minimum, I will not respond to her unless its something about our daughter/schedule/help. No hard feelings towards her just wanted to move on as fast as possible and we dont get along when we talk so whats the point? Anyways, my dating life has been not very good since seperated. I have had two “relationships”….the first one was very soon after we seperated so it didnt work out cause I was coming off as desperate and probably just not myself all the way around. She was gorgeous and nearly perfect and she dumped me out of the blue, it hurt worse than seperating from my ex wife. A month later i joined an online dating site (Bumble) and met someone a week later. We hit it off great and spent about 3-4 months hanging out and talking. She was ready to date but I wasnt, I didnt think she was the one because of some of her qualities I did not like. We still talked cssually until about 2 weeks ago and I cut it off completely. Have talked to probably about 15-20 women on online dating sites but none have gotten to even a first date. Some ghost me, i ghost some, some just die out quickly. I live in a smaller area close to Chicago (1 hour from city, 30 mins from suburbs) so this is where I get most of my matches from so thats why dates arent coming quickly. Not a lot of friends so I dont go out locally much and when I do its just the same people you know and have no interest in them or no interest in me. Most of my friends dont live in this area anymore or have GFs/wives so they dont go out. I thought after a year I would have found somebody already and it is stressing me out/giving me anxiety. I am a 28 year old man, have a child and want more and obviously want to get married again. Am I freaking out over nothing? How was your dating life after divorce? I know this is a long post, just venting lol thank you for reading and any advice would be helpful. I almost feel like there is a ticking time bomb on my dating life and time is running out, even though im still 28 and fairly young.


you’re desperate. Just date casually until you are happy being single. Don’t waste fine on women you know you wouldn’t marry, if marriage is what you want. This isn’t a decision you want to rush: don’t ask me how I know. I’m divorced and date women I once considered far out of my league. Not in a hurry to marry again.
What was wrong with your first wife?


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> you’re desperate. Just date casually until you are happy being single. Don’t waste fine on women you know you wouldn’t marry, if marriage is what you want. This isn’t a decision you want to rush: don’t ask me how I know. I’m divorced and date women I once considered far out of my league. Not in a hurry to marry again.
> What was wrong with your first wife?


I am fairly happy being single. Never get too down or depressed. Just miss having a partner and that physical/emotional connection day in and day out. My ex-wife and I had some big differences in how we viewed things, there was some resentment, kids played a factor, etc. nothing was majorly wrong with her or me, we just stopped getting along


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MattOly94 said:


> I am fairly happy being single. Never get too down or depressed. Just miss having a partner and that physical/emotional connection day in and day out. My ex-wife and I had some big differences in how we viewed things, there was some resentment, kids played a factor, etc. nothing was majorly wrong with her or me, *we just stopped getting along*


As will be true of 99.9% of other women out there. You may be better off being single.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think your outlook reeks of total desperation. You’ve been divorced a few months and your already looking for another wife? You have a two year old daughter that needs your attention. Date and have fun. Look for a gf, not a wife. Your daughter has a mother already, you don’t have to supply another for her. You’re only 28 and should have life by the balls. If you’re not in shape, get in shape. Meet new friends and find some hobbies. Most of the women your age are going to have baby rabies. You already have a two year old. Chill and relax. This is not a competition.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think your outlook reeks of total desperation. You’ve been divorced a few months and your already looking for another wife? You have a two year old daughter that needs your attention. Date and have fun. Look for a gf, not a wife. Your daughter has a mother already, you don’t have to supply another for her. You’re only 28 and should have life by the balls. If you’re not in shape, get in shape. Meet new friends and find some hobbies. Most of the women your age are going to have baby rabies. You already have a two year old. Chill and relax. This is not a competition.


I can understand how my views are coming off as desperate lol not necessarily looking for a wife but I am looking for a girlfriend and honestly I look to see right away if she has the qualities I want long term and if she would make a good wife/mother etc i think the online dating has really been too overwhelming for me….you spend time trying to get to know someone and it just doesnt work out for various reasons, very up and down


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Many partners have big differences in how they view things, but manage to stay together. Did you and your (ex)wife try to work things out at all? Or did you just say, 'forget it, we're done?" I guess it doesn't matter much because you and she are done.

Like others here, I don't see the urgency to get married again. If your goal was to be married, it probably would've been easier to work with what you had than to start over from square one. If being married wasn't the end-all-be-all for you, maybe just date around and have fun, and work on improving whatever in yourself needs to be improved. Your first dating partner post-divorce probably picked up on your desperate, time-ticking, emotional rebound vibe and decided she wanted something else. We're always the last to know about the vibes we throw out there, and it's easy to get into a trying-too-hard mode, which is where you are now. 

Before I got married, I was lonely, depressed and desperate too. I should've had life by the balls at 25, but I didn't. If I lived that time again knowing what I know now, I would've kicked *** and taken names. You have an opportunity to do that now, and don't have the distraction of being with a partner who is a constant source of conflict.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You obviously married young and haven’t been divorced long. Don’t be in such a rush to get back into a relationship. This time — and stage of life — will never come around again. Enjoy it. I’m on the opposite end of life from you, divorced after a very long marriage, and I don’t want another relationship so I just casually date now and then. No complaints. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don’t rush it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

MattOly94 said:


> I can understand how my views are coming off as desperate lol not necessarily looking for a wife but I am looking for a girlfriend and honestly I look to see right away if she has the qualities I want long term and if she would make a good wife/mother etc i think the online dating has really been too overwhelming for me….you spend time trying to get to know someone and it just doesnt work out for various reasons, very up and down


OLD is like job interviews. Remember to hire slowly but fire quickly. Also, if you are just chatting up a new prospect but thinking of wife/mother material, you are scaring them away.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

hub49 said:


> Many partners have big differences in how they view things, but manage to stay together. Did you and your (ex)wife try to work things out at all? Or did you just say, 'forget it, we're done?" I guess it doesn't matter much because you and she are done.
> 
> Like others here, I don't see the urgency to get married again. If your goal was to be married, it probably would've been easier to work with what you had than to start over from square one. If being married wasn't the end-all-be-all for you, maybe just date around and have fun, and work on improving whatever in yourself needs to be improved. Your first dating partner post-divorce probably picked up on your desperate, time-ticking, emotional rebound vibe and decided she wanted something else. We're always the last to know about the vibes we throw out there, and it's easy to get into a trying-too-hard mode, which is where you are now.
> 
> Before I got married, I was lonely, depressed and desperate too. I should've had life by the balls at 25, but I didn't. If I lived that time again knowing what I know now, I would've kicked *** and taken names. You have an opportunity to do that now, and don't have the distraction of being with a partner who is a constant source of conflict.


It was more so my ex-wife giving up and saying we were done. I was wanting to work through it and keep trying. She had children from a previous marriage so I was a step father and i had major conflict with her almost teenage daughter. Long story but it built up a lot of resentment when my ex-wife never had my back (she worked nights so I took care of her 2 children and our baby daughter) so there was always something going on there. We had different views on going out, she wanted to be selfish and go out whenever she wanted and leave me with the kids but when I wanted to go out it was a fight and a guilt trip if I was able to go out. Things like that. It was time to split but I was rather desperate to keep the family together and keep trying but she was not. It hurt like hell in the begginning but I moved on after a few months and am in a good place about it now. i learned a lot about relationships/marriage for the future and will put it to good use when i get the opportunity now


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> OLD is like job interviews. Remember to hire slowly but fire quickly. Also, if you are just chatting up a new prospect but thinking of wife/mother material, you are scaring them away.


Yeah theres been a time or two I have come off as pushy and it scared them away. I have learned my lesson and have backed off quite a bit. Will spend a few days talking and if there is something there I keep going but if not I jump ship. Big problem is a lot of girls dont put in the effort for conversation so its a challenge to keep it going. Just a few days ago this girl gave me her number and we texted for about 6 hours pretty much just me trying to get her to talk…like what was the point of giving me your number? Lol


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

MattOly94 said:


> Yeah theres been a time or two I have come off as pushy and it scared them away. I have learned my lesson and have backed off quite a bit. Will spend a few days talking and if there is something there I keep going but if not I jump ship. Big problem is a lot of girls dont put in the effort for conversation so its a challenge to keep it going. Just a few days ago this girl gave me her number and we texted for about 6 hours pretty much just me trying to get her to talk…like what was the point of giving me your number? Lol


Texting should be minimal. A day or two. Talk on the phone and set up a first date, if you are interested. Also, pick like 5 must haves and go from there. My list did not include wife/mother abilities. But I had 5 non starters on my list.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MattOly94 said:


> Big problem is a lot of girls dont put in the effort for conversation so its a challenge to keep it going. Just a few days ago this girl gave me her number and we texted for about 6 hours pretty much just me trying to get her to talk…like what was the point of giving me your number?


What are you doing texting a chick you just met for 6 hours? You just ain't being much of a challenge Dawg. Here's a trick. You talk to her on the phone for 10-20 minutes, tell her to call you back tomorrow and if she doesn't, she's not into you. If it were me, I'd have a lite date, such a lunch or coffee during that first call or I'd scratch them off my list.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I agree with the others, you are being way too desperate and needy. You are trying to recover what you have lost, not start anew with someone else based on their own merits and your own unique connection. 

Noone wants to be a replacement or a fill-in. 

You need to work on yourself and get yourself the best you can be physically, professionally, emotionally and spiritually. Be good with yourself being single. 

When you accomplish that, women will be coming to you and you will have your pick of the litter. 

Don't try to replace your wife. Get out and meet and get to know a variety of women on their own merits and enjoy their company for their own qualities and don't try to check off boxes in attempt to find a replacement wife. 

When you have yourself built up, which may take a few years, someone special will rise to the top. 

Pursue excellence in yourself. Don't chase girls. 

When you acheive excellence in yourself and you are a high value man, they will come to you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I divorced many years ago, had a few short term relationships then met someone organically who was 14 yrs younger and stunning. 4 years together. Got engaged last year, also broke up last year during lockdown. 😆

I'm 36. I thought it was all over for me. Then went online and realised I could date women in both 20s and 30s. But I wasn't ready, I kept one I liked around as a friend and side flirt, but went dark and celibate, just focused on work.

6 months ago I had an organic encounter at work that revved my engine again and I was back in the game at full swing, but not with her, too risky. I have very specific preferences yet matched with maybe ~150 women over 5 months. I'm still dating, ghosting and being ghosted, encountering the same disappointments. 

All I ended up with now is a non-exclusive non-official "FWB" that I stick to rubber with, but she's still a solid 9. She's 26, I'm 36. I still have fresh matches coming and new dates lined up. So mate, you really have plenty of time at 28.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> Texting should be minimal. A day or two. Talk on the phone and set up a first date, if you are interested. Also, pick like 5 must haves and go from there. My list did not include wife/mother abilities. But I had 5 non starters on my list.





VladDracul said:


> What are you doing texting a chick you just met for 6 hours? You just ain't being much of a challenge Dawg. Here's a trick. You talk to her on the phone for 10-20 minutes, tell her to call you back tomorrow and if she doesn't, she's not into you. If it were me, I'd have a lite date, such a lunch or coffee during that first call or I'd scratch them off my list.


With the abundance of scammers in online dating, phone numbers aren't always exchanged easily, it's normal to text all the way until first date then exchange numbers then. Easier to disappear too if no chemistry.

Some women prefer to text first until they feel more comfortable as well, others are happy to meet up quickly. I adapt to both, I actually prefer the former, it saves me time, effort and money if an incompatibility is identified sooner. 

Physical dating can be exhausting and can be a big waste of time. Rather have 1 quality date then 10 sh-t ones.


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## Garama (2 mo ago)

I wasn't lucky enough unfortunately


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

There was a comment you made in your originally post that I want to address and it is not about dating, it is about your communication with your ex. You see no reason to communicate with her unless about your child as you say it just brings on arguments. One of the things I notice about a man I date is how they treat their ex, what they say about their ex and what kind of relationship they have with their ex. That comment alone would make me think twice about dating you. 

Also, you say your ex called it quits and there was issues about you each going out and problems with the step daughter. To me this seems like an inability to work through issues. I would also see that as a red flag if I were getting to know you. These things that happened your your marriage will only repeat themselves. I think what you need is time to wort out who you are, what your part o the downfall was in the marriage and take responsibility for your part before heading head long into another relationship.


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