# Husband having trouble letting go of his past is interfering in our present



## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

His late wife past away 5 yrs ago, we are together 3 yrs. he still reminisces about his past life with her and it annoys me because I wasn't in his life and I clearly don't care to hear about what he did with her . It's time for him to be more respectful of my feeling and move forward and stop living in the past. Agreed? How do I tell him


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's hard to compete with the dead because death has a way of elevating people and wiping away all of their faults. My hb used be really bad about talking about exes and I blew up at him, but only after I'd tried talking to him. 

Hand you tried telling him that you can appreciate that he has good memories but his talking about it with you makes you feel like he's not ready to move on? What will be the consequence if he ignores you and continues to do it? 

You could always share details of your past with him and see how he likes it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

Ty for your advice.. I just want him to be conscientious Of my feelings.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes absolutely, if he is reminiscing out loud with you hearing, disrespectful.

if he needs to ruminate and work things out about himself and her, he needs to take walks and do it in his head.

or come on TAM and do it here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What sort of things does he say, bring up ...reliving...he has to know this isn't so easy *for you*... 

Does he ever catch himself..see the look in your eyes.. and apologize.... then focus more on YOU? 

It's like you are living with a ghost that is ever present.. did they have children? When it's an ex.. often times a spouse will get rid of all photos, removing them from the house... this has to be very different...she will always be a huge part of his heart.. I would ask what happened to her.. but you don't have to answer...

At 5 yrs.. though the memories will enter in -when he hears an old song, places they have been, it can't be helped.. hopefully it has lessened, at the very least -if he could now FOCUS, redirect on the here & now..with you & he making NEW memories together. 

What do you & he enjoy together where he is always in the moment...what brings you both closer, ups the intimacy ? How is the communication.. maybe he needs to see a Therapist to learn to package up his former life, cherish what it was.. but box it...for the sake of what you share now. 

Just speaking out loud here... I have no reference or ideas on how to get through something like this..


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

We actually are so in sync together we have the same personality , his late wife from what I heard about her was a prude didn't get his humor or his beliefs. They were totally different. I'm nothing like her , I'm a spitfire . I'm fun, We get each other , soul mates of sorts. Later in life sorts . She wasn't free sprited like meeeeeee,). They describe my personality as Colorful , which is a compliment.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

So you are fun and his dead wife was a drag? I am called free spirited and colorful, and these were not compliments BTW. 

Just tell him you are so glad you found a man who has such good memories of her, and could he be more prudent in expressing those in your presence.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
when someone you love dies, the memories will never go away. All sorts of things will trigger them. 

As long as he is not comparing her to you, but just remembering her, then I think your best bet is to still offer sympathy for his loss.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oyvey said:


> *We actually are so in sync together we have the same personality , his late wife from what I heard about her was a prude didn't get his humor or his beliefs. They were totally different. I'm nothing like her , I'm a spitfire . I'm fun, We get each other , soul mates of sorts. Later in life sorts . She wasn't free sprited like meeeeeee,). They describe my personality as Colorful , which is a compliment*.


Ok.. what am I missing here... if she was this BLaaahhh ...frigid , humorless & didn't get him, appreciate his beliefs ...it sounds their connection wasn't much to get excited about.. he probably was even depressed living with someone described as this.. especially in the bedroom! 

So WHY would he continue to reminisce the things he did with her to the point of hurting you... does he MISS her...is he trying to communicate something to you.. I guess I don't get it.. 

I was under the impression SHE was the love of his life, a soul mate lost... this is why I answered as I did.. as only that would make sense to me -why a Husband couldn't shake the past.. and still bringing it into his future like that.. .

Unless he has some sort of regrets he needs to work through in regards to her.. maybe how she died.. ??

Who are "they"...his friends, his family ...who spoke of her in this way...sounds she wasn't liked all that much then.


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

You nailed it on the head, The friends they had when they were a couple he discovered sadly , they weren't true friends b/c when we started dating they all slowly started pulling away from him b/c they didn't approve of me. He couldn't comprehend this until one day they out right and blatantly told my husband we don't care for me and if he wants to keep them as friends , he needs to end our relationship. I'm grateful this happened , their true colors can through clearly. They went so far to to diiscredit me to his other grown children from his first marriage. I feel bad for my husband, but it's an eye opener. I've discovered that his sibling didn't care for the late wife, it was nice to discover they adore me . And they didn't have any problem disclosing this to my husband , so that confirmed my intuition . She must have been a very selfish woman in her own way. We moved out of his home that they lived in finally and bought our a beautiful home out of state , I'm hoping some day he will talk less and less of her since there are no more memories , we r in a new home


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

If it's a divorce or a death, no one knows how difficult it is to start over again. The friends you had for many long years as a couple you learn who your true friends are. All of my husbands friends that were his friends only. Welcomed me into their circle as did my husbands sisters and brothers and their spouses. But there friends they had as a couple all deserted him flat! Plus the late wife didn't allow him to socialize with others , only her family and friends. Yes he was depressed for many years till we met, then he felt reborn again and we still have an exciting life, it's fun, but when his kids are around they make him feel guilty that he is enjoying his life. Sad but true


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

One more bit of proof how selfish she was!
Her finally request was that her meet someone that would take good care of her sons and care for her husband and have a wonderful life, but when my husband passes away he should be buried next to her. So when he told me this my first reaction was. How selfish this woman was. So simply put she wanted him to find a ***** that will service him and take **** from her children till his last breath then make sure he lays on top of her in the end. Thank god he doesn't want to be buried if he goes first I will sprinkle some of his ashes on top of her grave and pour the rest in the ocean as he requested when the time come . Hopefully it won't happen for 30 years from now when he will be 90


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

Thank god I am very vocal and opinionated and I sleep very well at nite. I find it difficult knowing how some people can be so intelligent yet not so smart with common sense


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My uncle's first wife, whom everyone loved, died when she was in her late 40's. He remarried two years later to a woman everyone disliked. He recently died. He was married to his first wife for 23 years and married to his second wife for 38 years! He was buried next to his first wife and his second wife will be buried on his other side. How kinky!


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## Oyvey (Jul 1, 2015)

That's sweet and kinky......lol. 
I had a great life before I met my now husband, I was blissfully divorced 15 yrs and loving my uncomplicated life . Then I met my 2nd HB. He has an ADHD adult son with other issues and a 20 yr old that is a want a be know it all. I have no baggage but I was willing to step up and help with his kids whom still don't appreciate me. Sadly.


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## Loveofmylife921 (Jun 28, 2015)

If this is a constant situation then obviously you need to politely and respectfully bring it up to him that, although you respect his feelings for his deceased wife, you are feeling hurt and disconnected from him because this is happening so often. Remind him that it's ok to remember her and the things they did but you don't need to hear about it all the time. Be honest and sincere with him and allow him to remember her but in a different way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Just for clarity here is he reminiscing about her or just his past. They are different. For example I was with my x wife in total 18 years most all of my adult life. Everything of interest happend to me during those years. When I talk about the past: trips, events, milestones and so on she was all part of that. No way to eliminate that from history. I don't dwell on her though but I don't pretend I just dropped on the planet at 36 years old either when I became single. Which is he doing?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just for clarity here is he reminiscing about her or just his past. They are different. For example I was with my x wife in total 18 years most all of my adult life. Everything of interest happend to me during those years. When I talk about the past: trips, events, milestones and so on she was all part of that. No way to eliminate that from history. I don't dwell on her though but I don't pretend I just dropped on the planet at 36 years old either when I became single. Which is he doing?


I would add that for your husband, those years included his kids and their interactions. Me talking about my kids involves a lot of talking about my wife.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Oyvey said:


> One more bit of proof how selfish she was!
> Her finally request was that her meet someone that would take good care of her sons and care for her husband and have a wonderful life, but when my husband passes away he should be buried next to her. So when he told me this my first reaction was. How selfish this woman was. So simply put she wanted him to find a ***** that will service him and take **** from her children till his last breath then make sure he lays on top of her in the end. Thank god he doesn't want to be buried if he goes first I will sprinkle some of his ashes on top of her grave and pour the rest in the ocean as he requested when the time come . Hopefully it won't happen for 30 years from now when he will be 90


WOW!!, you could use an attitude adjustment.


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