# Separated- 3 weeks in, painful



## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

It's nearly 3 weeks since my hubby moved out. In January this year I discovered that H has cheated, lied and deceived me. Since then we have been in R till 3 weeks ago. I'm so devastated and upset so I'm likely to be economical with my story. I just wonder if there are any of you guys that come out with some positive feedbacks on separation; does it/can it work? One of the reasons my h has lost patience with me; triggers, not so trusting!! I guess it's difficult to understand why!! We are in a mess financially and of course emotionally of which he hugely contributed to. We have 2 beautiful kids and they are coping well not sure about myself though! I feel lie he's left me to sort out everything including selling of our home and he certainly not keen talking about bills/debts. Last Saturday we had a chat that didn't go very well at all then we were together on Sunday for an activity our son was taking part in and somehow it was fairly positive; better atmosphere, nicer teach other. I fear H might e suffering from depressions as he never dealt with illness properly around 12 months ago; all the symptoms are there. I have advised/suggested to him to go and see our GP but he won't; doesn't want to be stuck with mediation for the rest of his life! I guess he would rather lose his family/marriage! Yes, he's seeing the kids, financially supporting/contributing but if he's depressed how bad can things get; he doesn't seem to have any energy for anything apart from his job. I feel so desperate, confused, hurt and all of the emotions under the sun!! Any advices, suggestions, tips would be most appreciated. Thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Define "working" with regards to separation.

The odds of you reconciling if you're not BOTH fully committed to making it work are very slim. I'd say the odds are much higher that he'll go back to seeking out other women instead. Have you ruled out that he's not cheating on you again already?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

One of the reasons the spouse who initiates separation leaves is because they can longer handle the situation. Therefore, the best you can expect from them is to discuss the terms of the separation and leave them be for the time being. 3 weeks is a really short time to see much results. Really emphasise to him that there is no pressure from you whatsoever to reconcile. Take the time to think things through yourself and stand up on your own two feet and take charge of the situation. Dont every unload your worries to H but rather find friends or counsel who will lend a sympathetic ear. As for his medical condition, just tell him once that you are concerned for his well being and that the children need their father, and leave it at that. Ultimately it is his own problem and he has to take responsibility to get the help he needs; it is not your duty to fix his problems.

In my case I am glad we separated when we did. Our toxic interactions have more or less disappeared completely since then, and oddly enough I feel much closer to W after some of our recent conversations. I'm not taking that as a sign of R in any way but I am encouraged by the improvement in the way we interact with each other. What the separation really did for me was me force me to take a hard look in the mirror and take action on my weak areas.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

I am confident that there is no other person involved. Even the fair itself was a very short one of which H hates himself for it but its done. He recognise his weakness that time. It's true 3 weeks is still early days yet. I've been thinking about seeing a counsellor and yes I have a group of good friends who are willing to listen although I don't talk much with them about my problems. Thank you very much.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Troubledtime, thank you for the advices; really useful and they all make sense. I think it's true that I have been overloading my H with my worries. I think he expected everything to be normal after I discovered about his affair and the reality was the opposite! I will take your advice and see how we get on.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Did he show remorse for the affair? Did he take responsibility for it and not blame you or circumstances? 
An affair is devastating, your reactions were normal, he can't expect you to get over it for at least a few years. It's a slow process.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

He did show remorse and took full responsibility, but he also felt that his work contributed to the stress hence his illness and the affair. He was working on a big project at the time and he was new to the company; first job since bankruptcy. Interestingly, he's at the end of another big project and we have just separated!! It was this time last year he started the affair!


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