# Life isn't about waiting for storms to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.



## confused59 (Jun 28, 2011)

* This post is NOT intended for those looking for answers, there are many great people on this site to help you with that* 

Many of you know my story, for those that don't I'll give a quick synopsus (doubt spelled right). D day was just over 4 weeks ago. I found out my WW was having an EA. she told me she wasn't happy anymore and needed to find herself. She left and i've been left to my own thoughts. You guys/gals helped me figure out more than i wanted to know. Somtimes an EA can be just as hard and sometimes harder than a PA. the amount of deceiving and lying can be overwhelming. you can't make comparisons on this site of whose been hurt more, because we've all been hurt.
However, over the last few weeks i've learned a few things. First i'll start by saying again, this site helped me a lot. i can't thank a lot of you enough for the support you've given me. i felt compelled to start a thread about something else though.
I've been on the site for a while reading peoples stories and they can be very hard to read, especially when you have been through something similar. i feel i havn't been in this situation long enough to give as solid advice as i've been given. however, i want to talk about something different...forgiveness & acceptance.
not for a wayward spouse, but yourself. This does not help people that are in the thick of it though. If i read this, even a week or two ago, i would have told me to go [email protected]$k myself. 
I've read the threads and there is a lot of sadness in them, just like mine. this is not for people who are in the grips of desparity. this thread is for the ones who have/are dealing with their sadness and moving on (one way or another). If this doesn't apply to you, maybe you can come back to it at a later time.
the biggest thing i've learned is that life isn't fair. you can get sh$t on.... thats the way it goes. but i want to bring up something positive. i would like you guys/gals tell how there are good things that can come from this. sometimes i get on this site and leave because there is so much pain. 
Don't get me wrong, i still have A LOT of pain, but i have learned that i can't change someone, i can't make someone love me as much as i love them, i can't go back in time and change the way things turned out.
So, i would like to know what you have learned, not about your S, but about yourself. I have been working on myself lately and i've come to realize that i just need to shut the [email protected]$k up and live. To just realize you make your own fate. I don't know what the future holds, don't know if my WWS is in it or not, but that i'm in it and i need to always keep moving.
So... again, what have you learned? I have had so many negative thoughts in my head lately, i think we need to be reminded of the positive things. This is no Dr. Phil moment, but a chance to help each other with looking to the future. I don't know what the future holds for me, but, at this point i think it is always good to be reminded about the positive things in life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I woke up this morning to rain and thought about an upcoming camping trip I have and wondering about what I will do if it rains (I have a canopy, but there is still getting between the tents and canopy, to the restrooms, to the water spickot...) I started thinking about my rain gear and how if it's hot that's not so great and how muddy it gets...and then I said, oh gee, you are so overthinking it, just put on a bathing suit and flip flops and dance in the rain like you did when you were a kid, and who cares if the other campers see you, you'll probably make people happy that it's raining and even start a trend. I think I'll bring my boom box and some batteries so I don't have to go without music when I dance.
I dance at home in the kitchen when I am cooking and doing dishes, so what's the difference except for no walls and the rain.

Anyway, I'm on the same page. Dancing in the rain is a-okay, especially when it's a deliberate choice.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I'm the wayward so maybe you're not wanting to hear from a cheater, but there has been a lot of positive that has come out of my EA. To answer your question specifically, I learned about myself that I had become an arrogant, insufferable, ass and that I didn't like myself very much and had to be next to impossible to live with. Screwing up as badly as cheating on someone who I dearly love sucked all of that arrogance and BS out of me. I am today a much humbled man from what I was before my affair. That's just the positive to me personally, there's more for my wife and our marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And then you get pneumonia and die or at best, slip in the mud and fall on your teeth So much for Hallmark.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh please Runs Like Dog, if I didn't die from being in anaphylaxis with ARDS for the entire spring seasons of 2008, 2009 and 2010, I sincerely doubt some rain and mud are gonna do me in. I'm not exactly unsteady on my feet. What with rock climbing and ice climibing and dancing in high heels with slippery soles, I can probably handle it. But if I think of it, I'll wear my helmet, okay?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I found out I'm a lot stronger emotionally than I ever thought. Infidelity was one of my worst fears and my DS tells me I'm handling it with dignity and grace. Even our MC commented on my level of maturity and rational thinking during such a tumultuous emotional experience. Sure, I was a mess and didn't get off the couch for a week, but I really do feel like a stronger person already because of my H's affair.

I also learned I need to take a more active role in living my life. I don't want to wake up in 10 years thinking, "How the _*bleep*_ is this my life?" One can't plan every detail of their future, but goals and direction can help bring dreams closer to their reality.

One of the lyrics in the musical Chicago is, "You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like." My H's affair opened my eyes and made me realize I only liked the life I was living, but it wasn't the life I'd like. Now I'm taking steps to make sure I do both in the future.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Saffron said:


> ...
> I also learned I need to take a more active role in living my life. I don't want to wake up in 10 years thinking, "How the _*bleep*_ is this my life?" One can't plan every detail of their future, but goals and direction can help bring dreams closer to their reality.
> 
> One of the lyrics in the musical Chicago is, "You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like." My H's affair opened my eyes and made me realize I only liked the life I was living, but it wasn't the life I'd like. Now I'm taking steps to make sure I do both in the future.


This is what I'm struggling with, I wish I just knew what I could do or say to spur some action. I know life is awesome and there are so many things I want to do, just paralyze or something any time there is an opportunity. Every time I see something awesome it just makes me more depressed because I have a lifelong pattern of repressing it and knowing it'll never happen. It is sooo depressing, I know I need to change somwhow but just can't figure it out, can't be pushed into change, can't be draggerd into any kind of change, I'm always perfectly "content" with things the way they are, contentment is a breeze, its joy thats elusive.

I've been spending half my time coming to justifications to end it all. I am really darn close, but at least I also take some solace knowing that I am perfectly incapable of suicide even if I wanted to, there is the whole responsibility thing, but mostly I'd be either too lazy or too cowardly to even try. The biggest sadness comes from being lonely and wanting companionship and love, have always been except for a few brilliant moments, those ships have sailed though and have realized that as is, is a 1 in 10 year event, not really looking forward to waiting it out or forcing myself to change, afraid its going to be like it always has for the rest of my long boring life.

So what can a totally innefectual, content, boring guy with no real passion do to actually spark some kind of passion? Never tried drugs - neither recreational or pharmaceutical, maybe that would get me over the impossible hump? What will it take me to dance in the rain knowing I have a perfectly adequate shelter to use?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Oh please Runs Like Dog, if I didn't die from being in anaphylaxis with ARDS for the entire spring seasons of 2008, 2009 and 2010, I sincerely doubt some rain and mud are gonna do me in. I'm not exactly unsteady on my feet. What with rock climbing and ice climibing and dancing in high heels with slippery soles, I can probably handle it. But if I think of it, I'll wear my helmet, okay?


It's a metaphor.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, yes, but someone has to challenge them!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Lon said:


> So what can a totally innefectual, content, boring guy with no real passion do to actually spark some kind of passion? Never tried drugs - neither recreational or pharmaceutical, maybe that would get me over the impossible hump? What will it take me to dance in the rain knowing I have a perfectly adequate shelter to use?


Don't go for a chemical solution. Pick an activity--any activity--and start trying it out. Get good at it, join an interest group of others who do that activity, make friends.

If you don't click with anyone, stick with it, get better at it. Give it time. Make a conscious effort to be a fun person to be around.

Learn the art of small talk. Be open to positive people. Shy away from negativity.

It's not too hard.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Lon look out behind you.
What's that song, Cupid's got a gun?
Doesn't matter who you are, sooner or later love is going to hunt you down and get you, ready or not. It's just a matter of time. 
I think what you describe is fear, rather than depression or apathy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HNU, thanks for the vote of confidence... I will admit that yes, on top of my depression and apathy there is also a lot of fear piled on top 

Life is damn comfusing right now too.

As for love interests I kind of feel like I'm in high school again, and its not entirely a "good" feeling, feels so restrictive in some way. Plus I just want to get my life in order, get divorce done, freshen my wardrobe, tidy my house, get some rejuvanation somehow etc. These are the kind of endless excuses in my arsenal of self-defeat.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Haha, didn't mean it that way.
Just that I recognize it because I'm familiar with it!
Fear is okay, it is not a negative thing. 
But it's something you have to hold hands with for a while to get comfortable with. Fear provides information about the situation, that is all. Panic, well, then you have to decide do you hold your ground, do you run, or if you are me, is it possible you are confusing panic with an allergic reaction and just need Benadryl.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I know you didn't mean it that way, I was actually sincere when I said thanks for the vote of confidence - I did feel it, but then I just layed on the heavy cynicism in my reply. I definitely need to start taking baby steps right now, I have a lot of confidence in myself, just don't get very far with it yet around others. Not sure how much of it is deep-seated personality issue vs the betrayal, but either way I know I have to start practising with it. I used to just convince myself I need not even face fear, could just ignore it and go on, but I realize now it still contained me and I'm frankly done with that life, just trying to muster the courage to break free.


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## longlost (Jul 26, 2011)

michzz said:


> Don't go for a chemical solution. Pick an activity--any activity--and start trying it out. Get good at it, join an interest group of others who do that activity, make friends.
> 
> If you don't click with anyone, stick with it, get better at it. Give it time. Make a conscious effort to be a fun person to be around.
> 
> ...



I would agree. The best way to go about it is to fill your time with something that makes you feel good about yourself - and the best way to do that is to go out an volunteer to help other people. That's what I did, and it did more to help me heal than anything.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

My divorce was a long time ago, but I learned that I am sufficient by myself. I do not need another person to complete me. I learned that there is more than 1 person for me, that I do not have just 1 soul mate in all the world. 

I am grateful for the humbling experience of divorce, and I am a better wife to my current husband because of this. I learned that compromise is not a dirty word a marriage, and that people do not always tell you what they are thinking, and that you must give love in a language that the person can understand. You have to learn your spouse's love language, or he will not appreciate your efforts to contribute to the marriage.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

I agree with longlost. Focusing on self or the lack of doing so, is what has hurt us the most. We gave our all to the other person and it didn't pay off - OUCH! I'm now living for ME and if he doesn't want to board the HAPPY TRAIN, oh well.. HA! Dancing in the rain sure sounds like fun to me. Can't wait to try it!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I was in a meeting today with some consultants. As they were leaving, one said, "You can't always avoid the storm. You just have to learn to dance in the rain." I immediately smiled and thought of this thread. I told her that I had just read a post extremely similar to what she had said. If you can learn to dance in the rain, just imagine what you can do in the sunshine!


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