# Fear of loss



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I seem to have two different ways of seeing our trials these few years

For me, my love for her has grown stronger, to know what we've overcome everything that has come our way, and even though we have got close to a split, we've prevailed regardless and I feel more confident in 'till death do us part'

However, for wifey, it seems the near-split experiences has affected her more negatively, and instead of feeling more confident, she feels more insecure.

It's not an issue nowadays considering the effort I've made to change and end my annoy-wifey routine, as well as the passion we have been having since that change, still, it's hard not to notice that the experiences have been rather traumatising for the missus

Why is that? Is it a gender thing?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, it's an upbringing thing. You behave and react based on how you were raised. Read the book Emotional Alchemy; it'll help you both see how you still use the same methods that worked for you in childhood, and how to stop doing that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> The missus and I seem to have two different ways of seeing our trials these few years
> 
> For me, my love for her has grown stronger, to know what we've overcome everything that has come our way, and even though we have got close to a split, we've prevailed regardless and I feel more confident in 'till death do us part'
> 
> ...


If she really has been traumatised by the experience then unless she works through her emotions and resolves them to her satisfaction, she will in the future have PTSD.


PTSD is said to be there if the person hasn’t resolved the emotions occurring from the traumatising event within FOUR weeks!

That is, in the future if there’s anything that happens to remind her of her traumatising experience she will again feel all those same negative emotions as she did the very first time they happened. That’s what happens when people with PTSD are triggered.


She really does need to work through and understand exactly why she was traumatised. But as you are the person who in effect traumatised her, you really cannot help her! Because you are way to close to the problem.

If she can’t work through her emotions by herself then she needs a guide. This is what an IC/Psychotherapist does. So the very best gift you can give her is IC.


Try and make sure it happens. Because as sure as eggs are eggs these things come right back and hit you in the face in five, ten or twenty years time unless they’re sorted.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Were you the one who's wife is a former escort? I wonder if she has trouble because she's seen so many men in the past that were having relationship troubles and that they went to her to "self medicate". Because of her former profession she sees men, relationships and marital problems through a very harsh lens than most people don't have. I'm not judging her at all, don't take it that way. I just think she may need some consideration for how her past colors her view of the present. It can't be easy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> The missus and I seem to have two different ways of seeing our trials these few years
> 
> For me, my love for her has grown stronger, to know what we've overcome everything that has come our way, and even though we have got close to a split, we've prevailed regardless and I feel more confident in 'till death do us part'
> 
> ...


I think it's likely that she lacks confidence in herself. It could be a gender thing, as women's hormones are bound to fluctuate, sometimes we don't know what's coming down the pipe. If she has let out of control behavior have the upper hand in the past, it's going to take her a while to build trust in herself. It might just not be about you. Except if you think that your feelings should be her feelings, then it is about you, but not in a good way? If you see her feelings as a problem, then they will become a problem. If you accept them, then so long as you have the feelings that you want, what's the difference?
She can be allowed to feel however she wants. It's not likely you can change them by wanting her to think differently. Feelings are what feelings are. They are not right and they are not wrong. What matters is if they cause her a problem, then she can deal with it. If they cause you a problem, then you deal with it. Somewhere in there is some kind of middle ground, where you are together and you feel differently, each according to his or her own.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Interesting... well, to be honest, I never really wanted to walk away, I just felt I had to, and I always tend to do what I have to do, regardless of how I felt. The aftermath of it I seem to deal with it differently to her, but what you said makes sense too I guess. She knows this about me too... but I was hoping that understanding will help her realise that just because I was ready to walk - doesn't mean I love her anyless. It doesn't seem to help however... As for upbringing it makes sense too, she has never had to deal with complete abandonment unlike me - hence I'm more 'hardened' in a sense then her.

As for counselling, she's too stubborn to go to counselling! I've already tried especially through our trials to get her to counselling, for her; she thinks she has no issues! It's cute, but I guess it's not healthy, for her, she feels her god is the only counsellor she needs - or her mum -.- grrr. Her past does color her view of the present even if she doesn't admit it fullheartedly yes, she still relies on her religion to overcome her own shame and guilt, which has caused us a lot of problems in the past.

But I guess I can't really help her in this eh?
Either than continuing to be less of an ass?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds more like a personality/insecurity thing rather than a gender thing.

She seems insecure about lots. Just keep encouraging her with little "I like the way you.._____" (cook my fav meal for me) (do your hair like that) (laugh when we watch a funny movie).. (smile when you're happy).. etc 

Tell her she has a wonderful smile when she's really happy inside. Tell her how you wish you could see that smile all the time. ETC... just little things to make her feel like she is on your mind even when she's not around. Just keep trying to build that confidence.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So, I should sing this song for her?

Bodyrockers - I like the way you move - YouTube


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sure...! (Or post it to her facebook page/ text it to her .. etc).

Of course, I meant telling her the way you like things about her.. in more than just a sexual way. You know what I mean - everyday life stuff.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

It's not a gender thing. You were the one who cried divorce. And you looked like you meant it. Over some stupid, insignificant issues. After putting her through all kinds of **** on and off. 

Of course the effect on her is going to be different from the effect on you. She's more often been the one on the receiving end of late.

Of course she's still insecure. You shift every few months. She's probably waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What she needs is consistency. Sustained consistency. Show that you've put your nonsense behind you. I'm guessing it will take time to work, years even. But it's the only way I can think of to disprove some very rational fears.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Chelle D
Hmmm..Out of many, the one quality she has that I truly appreciate is her strength, but judging from her reactions to my encouragements it's almost like she wonders when's the next time I'm going to 'test' that strength, heh

It's very hard for me to express my complete admiration for her, to be honest this whole vulnerability thing is still new to me. Music expresses how I feel better then I can express myself, unfortunately, not many songs out there that can express how I feel (women are sexualised in media), and pretty much all the 'strong women' songs is with a lady praising herself not a man praising her... oh well

I'll think of something lol

@Dymo

Yes, and that's what I'm doing... just wonder if there's anything I can do to help, though I do wish she sees things my way sometimes. I've expressed how serious I am about my own changes, and she is happy - we don't talk about the past really, as we are having quite a lot of fun together nowadays.

But she's not really good at hiding her fears, but maybe only because she's under the same roof as me. She has improved on her part as well, think I'll focus on those attributes and continue to encourage them...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read His Needs Her Needs?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There's still pain in her, despite her smiles and laughs nowadays...

Bringing it up with her makes her brace herself, seems she's now paranoid of "the 'we need to talk' talks"
Breaking the cycle is what I've committed to do, and she's seeing that... but I guess it's no easy fix, guess only time heals wounds 

I just wish she can see things in a different perspective that's all
And hell even if I was to break it off with her in the past I doubt I would ever meet anyone like her again


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Time only heals if you're on the right track


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you're not doing the 'one-hour a week' talk? Many counselors suggest you schedule one hour a week for your relationship talks, and you both vow that that hour will be SAFE - ie, both of you get to say what you feel and think and the other will NOT jump in to defend themselves or fight back. It makes that hour safe, and not to be feared. Anyone should be able to handle one hour of not having to defend yourself.

Then you go away and think about what was said in that hour, and when the next 'hour' comes around, you can discuss what you've thought and learned. 

It does two things. It makes your hour safe and productive, and it helps reduce the stress the other 99% of the week, so that you can focus on improving your marriage. And having fun!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Safe talks? Well I don't know about that, I don't see how even those talks can be safe at times... sometimes it still just stings, and when it stings sometimes one just has to let it out (or keep it in and harbor resentment) =/

Yes I do love her, always have. And if I had actually walked I doubt I would be able to move on, she has zero competition now and I doubt she'll ever have competition in the future (even though at times she doesn't believe it when I say it)

I had a think about this though and I realised that while she has proven to me her strength, commitment and trustworthiness throughout all the trials, I've done nothing but prove to her my coldheartness, ability to walk, and ability to break our vows of marriage by using the D word...

As much as there's all this 'harden up' 'man up', 'respect yourself' principles that I've adopted since I was a child, sometimes I do wonder who really is the rock of our family, she stands up for herself but remains true to her commitments and refuses to give up hope. Meh, a part of me still really holds a lot of deep admiration for her, sad how I've treated her in the past though

But on the positive side, if we never had these trials, I wouldn't have such an impression of her as I do today, wish she can see some positives to all of the past... thats all


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try a talking stick - whomever holds the stick has the right to speak and the other CANNOT interrupt. That lets the speaker say his whole piece. Then you hand the stick to the other one, and THEY get to say their piece. If either person ignores the rule and interrupts, the other person gets up and leaves the room.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I don't see how even those talks can be safe at times... sometimes it still just stings, and when it stings sometimes one just has to let it out (or keep it in and harbor resentment) =/


 Spoken like a 6 year old.

How do you keep it in if you keep talking?

I gather you're not willing to do the hard work then?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's just how it is, and I'm being realistic as sometimes hurts and pains are swept under the rug for the sake of peace and focusing on the positive sides of marriage

Not everything can be solved by talking or bringing up old wounds, this in particular


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What if you haven't resolved what caused the wounds?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Then we'll argue/fight about it until we come to an agreement, which we've already past that stage -> we're on the "aftermath" atm


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