# What makes a spouse Plan B?



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I was reading NewlyMarried2014's thread and didn't want to high jack it but the theme of being "Plan B" kept arising.

What makes the BS Plan B? Is it because the WS was involved with another person and went back? Is it because the WS decided to go back home on their own.....etc?

Just throwing it out there for discussion.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

It would be my argument that the determining factor of a person being Plan B would be attributed to the BS only being the "chosen one" because they got dumped by their AP, or because that relationship didn't work out. 

It's all semantics... I think the point of it all, is that essentially no one wants to be made to feel like they are not wanted... that they wanted to be with "you" more than anyone in the world... that's why they married you, right?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some people have affairs looking to move on, while retaining the benefits of their existing spouse. They are looking for someone to replace their spouse, but until such time as they do, the spouse is the default back-up person. The spouse isn't plan A (the one being pursued or sought), they are plan B (Back-up in case things don't work out this time).


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

The way I look at it Plan A is a normal fun connected marriage (with different levels)


Plan B is EVERYTHING ELSE (UNACCEPTABLE while married)

Acceptance
Outsourcing
Ending
Working on it

So depending on your overall choice that dictates Plan B

I chose to go

(Plan A-)------->Plan B (working on it)------> (PLAN A+)


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I consider myself a plan B. I would say after connecting the dots from 30 years ago and hearing re written history last summer I know that I am.

I believe Pepper gets the gist of it. Dude pursues girl. Girl resists. Dude wears her down finally gets her pants off and eventually dumps girl. Girl runs to him anytime he reaches out. 

I have stated this before but in my own case and at the point I am in my life now I think it is so sad. They played games with each other and their timing was screwed. They had a chance to marry but their egos would not let each other "win" (whatever in the hell that means). 

In his case he married a beautiful girl (I dated her very casually) to spite my W. He left her a couple times and divorced her. It crushed her and she ended up in a mental facility off and on and I do not believe she ever really recovered.

My W married me (you see I fit much better her pre conditioned world of the type of guy she was supposed to marry) and I had no clue what had gone on, when we married, but I have been twisting in the wind emotionally for almost 3 decades.

In the past year I have come to peace with most of it although we will revisit it all again this summer so I can finally put it to rest. I truly feel sad for them because I think they were well suited for one another but they were to proud to overcome the petty things they let stand in their way.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When the cheating spouse gets dumped by the AP and begrudgingly attempts to stay with or return to the BS.

When the cheating spouse gets caught, but refuses to end contact - attempting to buy time to make a decision between the AP and BS.

When the CS attempts or is seeking an exit affair.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

The only way you can be someone's plan b is ONLY if you allow it


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Some people have affairs looking to move on, while retaining the benefits of their existing spouse. They are looking for someone to replace their spouse, but until such time as they do, the spouse is the default back-up person. The spouse isn't plan A (the one being pursued or sought), they are plan B (Back-up in case things don't work out this time).


Hi Happy

You can attest to the fact that if you want the definition of Plan B all anyone has to,do is read my thread.

The wife is in this ongoing relationship living in hotels with her AP but tells me she wants to be my friend. She says she looks at me as and loves me as me as a brother (even though we were having amazing sex until the day she ran). Enjoys doing everything with me but is in love with her AP he has romanced her like she feels she deserves. It is a deep mature love that is why the fact that he is fat and ugly does not bother her. She then says that if they break up or he drops dead,she would come back to me and never ever run again..Now that's plan B


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Some people have affairs looking to move on, while retaining the benefits of their existing spouse. They are looking for someone to replace their spouse, but until such time as they do, the spouse is the default back-up person. The spouse isn't plan A (the one being pursued or sought), they are plan B (Back-up in case things don't work out this time).


:iagree:

To me this is different than and independant from 'cake eating'. Cake eating is when they want both the afair partner and betrayed spouse in thier lives. 

Both suck, and the distiction is all symantics. But it's interesting from an communication standpoint to see how the term means something different to different people.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I always think of people as radiating an energy. There is a limited amount, so it’s focused in various areas of their lives. When it comes to the energy used for a relationship, you should be the focus. Not other friends, not out there looking around… you. 

That means you are the first person they want to share their day with, you are the one they want to be around as much as possible, you are where they’ve invested their energy. Not someone else. If you are getting the scraps, you are on a maintenance program as a fallback. 

All you need to do is look where they spend their energy. If it’s on another person or meeting that other person; You are Plan B.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

SteveK said:


> Hi Happy
> 
> You can attest to the fact that if you want the definition of Plan B all anyone has to,do is read my thread.
> 
> ...


Are you guys still together? I mean are you taking her back under her conditions? Really sorry this is happening to you. Hugs!


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

So even after the affair ends and things go back to normal, if they do it again, that means the BS is still (or has never stopped) being Plan B? Or is that cake eating?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

asia said:


> So even after the affair ends and things go back to normal, if they do it again, that means the BS is still (or has never stopped) being Plan B? Or is that cake eating?


It more than likely means that the BS, knowing that they were a plan B, made a huge mistake in accepting it and hoping things would change.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Truth of the matter is everybody is plan B. Do you think you'd be in the picture if your spouse had met a super good looking, rich individual who was crazy about them before you came along.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

badmemory said:


> It more than likely means that the BS, knowing that they were a plan B, made a huge mistake in accepting it and hoping things would change.


It's all in my thread about my WS serial cheating so no need to dive back into that rabbit hole.

But I'm wondering if being Plan B has always been his thing. Of course he says differently but I can't help be feel it sometimes. He has been doing well with no further contact with the main OW. But he still travels for work, he still has the same numbers and email addresses (although he needs to retain them for business purposes). 

Is it part of the second year thing I'm feeling. D-Day is in a few months and it will be our second year getting over the latest OW. I am not going to leave him now that he's put in all the effort but I don't want to be what "he" is settling for. Ugh!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

asia said:


> I don't want to be what "he" is settling for. Ugh!


And you shouldn't be. You should be the one he chooses above all others. That is what it was supposed to be when you married. He screwed it up. If he won't put in the effort to make you feel like you are number one, then he is making a huge mistake.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

xakulax said:


> The only way you can be someone's plan b is ONLY if you allow it


Not necessarily true. I was a plan B and had no idea until she left me years later for another guy. She told me she had always loved me and we were soul mates blah blah blah...all lies.

It wasn't that their was another man that was the plan A. She was her own Plan A. No one she loves more than herself. NO ONE


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Acoa said:


> :iagree:
> 
> To me this is different than and independent from 'cake eating'. Cake eating is when they want both the afair partner and betrayed spouse in thier lives.
> 
> Both suck, and the distinction is all semantics. But it's interesting from an communication standpoint to see how the term means something different to different people.


This was me before she ran. My wife was planning on staying with me for two more years, sleeping in my bed, and having sex with me, while sneaking to meet him every time I traveled and talking on a cell phone he shipped her from Israel for 1-2 hours a day. 

When I caught her the last time and left her a confrontational message she ran. I kicked myself everyday for this, but now I realize that until she broke free of me and got to explore life with him she would stay in the fog. 

Now I am Plan B, when they finally break-up she expects to come back to me!! yeah right!!:scratchhead:


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

asia said:


> Are you guys still together? I mean are you taking her back under her conditions? ]It is her conditions as much as I deny it. She wants to move home to help me , so we can get out of debt and then divorce, but she refuses to end her relationship with her POSOM. I just am hoping with a semblance of whats left of me emotionally that we can reconnect, plus her OM is afraid of that.[/B] Really sorry this is happening to you. Hugs!


Do I know you:scratchhead:

Anyway, she is still living with him. She is going with him from 4/11-16 to see his American family and friends. 

then as of now she wants to move home for an in-home separation.

I am competing against the life he is offering her. She says she no longer wants any responsibilities. she wants to be free a free spirit. She has turned into a 19 year old girl from 1969.

When the fog lifts who knows. All of the therapists involved say if I take her back she will hurt me again because she will run again.

I think I need to start to look for a companion while she is in the fog. Not to make her jealous but so I move on.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

asia said:


> It's all in my thread about my WS serial cheating so no need to dive back into that rabbit hole.
> 
> But I'm wondering if being Plan B has always been his thing. Of course he says differently but I can't help be feel it sometimes. He has been doing well with no further contact with the main OW. But he still travels for work, he still has the same numbers and email addresses (although he needs to retain them for business purposes).
> 
> Is it part of the second year thing I'm feeling. D-Day is in a few months and it will be our second year getting over the latest OW. I am not going to leave him now that he's put in all the effort but I don't want to be what "he" is settling for. Ugh!


I feel your pain. You see I think even though I am mad I chased her off, I knew she had this two year plan to leave me when S-15 graduates HS.

I am not going to Post on this thread anymore its bordering on a thread-jack!!


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Steve, I so sorry you've been through all this. I really hope you meet a wonderful woman who will bring you happiness. The arrogance of these cheaters really is breathtaking.To use that wonderful American expression ... it really burns my arse!


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Obviously, I can't get into my ex-husband's head, but it seems to me that he swung between me and the delightful rodent girl, with whoever was being the sweetest being plan A for the day. It was a game I had no idea I was participating in. Really screwed up stuff.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

SteveK said:


> Hi Happy
> 
> You can attest to the fact that if you want the definition of Plan B all anyone has to,do is read my thread.
> 
> The wife is in this ongoing relationship living in hotels with her AP but tells me she wants to be my friend. She says she looks at me as and loves me as me as a brother (even though we were having amazing sex until the day she ran). Enjoys doing everything with me but is in love with her AP he has romanced her like she feels she deserves. It is a deep mature love that is why the fact that he is fat and ugly does not bother her. She then says that if they break up or he drops dead,she would come back to me and never ever run again..Now that's plan B


Geez SteveB, that surely sucks. 

I'd be cutting of ALL contact with her. Even if you have kids and you have to see her I wouldn't even engage in such a conversation or listen to her crap. All you have to do is stare ahead and say nothing or better still, laugh in her face every time she tries it on.

Maybe you can say, *only once* though:
"Honey, I ain't ever going to be your plan B. So you better be very nice to OM and make sure he doesn't break up with you. If you break up with him, it will be a shoulder shrug from me. Let's hope he lives a long time too." 

Don't entertain her or her bullS $*** for a second. That's what WS are like to the last, selfish and arrogant, 'me' first no matter what. And that's how they always were, BS just didn't see it at the time. 

All the best SteveB and I hope you go on to meet someone whose moral compass isn't pointing south - if you haven't already.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

asia said:


> It's all in my thread about my WS serial cheating so no need to dive back into that rabbit hole.
> 
> But I'm wondering if being Plan B has always been his thing. Of course he says differently but I can't help be feel it sometimes. He has been doing well with no further contact with the main OW. But he still travels for work, he still has the same numbers and email addresses (although he needs to retain them for business purposes).
> 
> Is it part of the second year thing I'm feeling. D-Day is in a few months and it will be our second year getting over the latest OW. I am not going to leave him now that he's put in all the effort but I don't want to be what "he" is settling for. Ugh!


When we R we never again trust the way we did before we knew our spouse was capable of cheating. I went through 30 years of R and then I went through D. I found D brought far more peace than R but some do R successfully. 

In your case, your husband didn't shut down the OW's most recent communication in the manner in which he should have. His first sentence should have said "Stop contacting me". It didn't. And as I recall he didn't tell you she had contacted him. So I can see why you would wonder about Plan B.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> When we R we never again trust the way we did before we knew our spouse was capable of cheating. I went through 30 years of R and then I went through D. I found D brought far more peace than R but some do R successfully.


You know what Openminded? Well done for having finally divorced, because it takes guts, especially after 30 years.

One year of D is better than 30 years of marriage with a loser WS IMO. 

You said it. . . "peace" which is what you get when you don't have to watch your back, or see the mind movies, or see a liar, and the worst kind right after serials are Trickle Truthers, or you don't have to do what is the hardest thing at all, backed up by stories on here - trying to fall back in love with the loser WS again. . . because this isn't what you settled for in the first place. It's second best by a long shot. 

R rarely if ever works IMO. 'Successfully' is when BS comes around to feeling the love they felt before D-day, the love someone should feel for a spouse. And who wants to build a new marriage that is often spoken about. BS wouldn't have built a marriage with them in the first place if they knew what WS was really like. 

Sorry all you in R out there. My view is very biased but written for you especially SteveB, because when you described what your WS was doing and saying it got me very mad for you. How dare she. She is about as far from R as any WS could be. 

Finally I'm coming around to think that almost no WS deserves a second chance. 

Sorry folks for the rambling post. 
I felt like a rant. Take care of yourself SteveB. You deserve better.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

xakulax said:


> The only way you can be someone's plan b is ONLY if you allow it


And what about if you don't know about it? What if you are lied to over and over so you have no idea what the truth actually is? What if you "allow" nothing because you don't know any of it?

So what exactly are you allowing?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

SteveK for your sake I hope to god you're not allowing her to go on a trip, bang his brains out then come home to a nice warm separate bed.

Why haven't you packed her bags and sent them to his place?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> And what about if you don't know about it? What if you are lied to over and over so you have no idea what the truth actually is? What if you "allow" nothing because you don't know any of it?
> 
> So what exactly are you allowing?


When you live in a small community and you are the only one who doesn't know about the affair(s), you really aren't permitting any kind of behavior by your cheating spouse.
I think some guys are only on the scene because of their ability to be a good provider. This becomes apparent just as soon as the BS is the place the cheater turns to when they fall on hard times financially.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I felt like Plan B. She had a PA, wrote to him that she loved him more than mere words could express, blah blah vlah LOTS of that kind of thing. He was married though, damn. Apparently he figured out his W was less fvcked up than his AP (now my W). 

I told her I'm sorry she didn't get to be with the man of her dreams. 

I have never had kids of my own, ergo none with her, so what's there to stick around for? More of the same?

She's remorseful, I believe she means it, full of guilt and self-loathing (good, keep it up, I feel like saying sometimes), but I fall into deep, deep rabbit holes multiple times in a day because of her affair. 

That keeps me in the Plan B mode. Regardless of how bad she feels or what she says. Why? Because she CHOSE to cheat on me. She did it on purpose. Now what, I'm the last man standing, so I'm golden?


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

the spouse...of course...allowing him/herself TO BE plan b


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