# When things aren't working.



## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

I feel like such an awful person for even asking for advice on this but I don't want to approach it the wrong way with my husband...

Ok, so we have a foster son that is two years old. We're the first home he's ever been in. He was never physically abused (to our knowledge) but on an emotional level, WOW. From what we've figured out from his behavior, nobody ever paid attention to this kid. Bio mom is always testing positive for meth and opana, (not sure how she affords both, she doesn't have a job). 

Anyway, always fed junk food, soda and cookies and chips and drive thru, that sort of crap, and always left sitting on the couch watching TV. This boy came to us having no clue how to be a kid. It's heartbreaking. 

The problem is, however, he HATES MY CHILDREN. He won't play with my son (3) or my daughter (5). He literally used to scream in terror when they were in the same room. It's just with kids though. My oldest, (12) he gets along with fine. Loves the dogs, and all the adults in the family. But he won't fool with the younger two, and its turning into a huge deal. His attitude towards them is no different than it was five months ago. 

Its not for my lack of trying, either. We do playtime when both boys are home together, I've got two different therapists coming twice a week to do types of play therapy with him, and they incorporate my three year old into it. I've tried finding toys both boys like mutually so they can play together, or at least parallel play. He simply refuses. 

On a behavioral side, he is an angel. For my husband. And parents. And grandparents. For me, however. He will scream when I shut off the TV, when I take his cleared dinner plate, or his empty sippy. He'll kick me and scratch me when I try to bathe him. He refuses to nap and when I check on the kids during the night he's wide awake. I don't understand why he doesn't sleep, or how he's able to go like he does without sleep. 

But then hes a sweet little brat and I love him to pieces. When he's not kicking or screaming or scratching me he's loving on me or following me around the house. 

I know that all of this is pretty normal for a foster kid. He's been through more than I could even imagine for such a young age. 

But mom isn't making any progress, visit rights got taken because she hasn't seen him in two months, and shes not trying to get help with the drugs and is talking signing over custody. 

My husband is talking adoption (already!) And I'm over here like, no friggin way. He hates my kids. I'm honestly beginning to feel like he'd be better off in a home with no other kids and I've had so many people tell me that I can't give him the attention he needs because I have to divide it between everyone. I've fostered for a while now and I've never doubted my parenting abilities and I'd honestly rather find him a new home now instead of waiting months from now when moms parental rights are terminated to say no, he needs to go. Like he should be in a pre adoptive home now. But my husband disagrees every time I've mentioned the remote possibility of replacing him, and I don't know how to handle it. At this point I think it's doing him more harm than good to be here with kids he hates/fears. 

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to tackle this one? 
Sorry for the novel.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

don't adopt when you have the feelings you do and he has the behavior issues. do what is best for your family and this little foster child but you and your husband have to find common ground.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is so far out of my realm of expertise, but I applaud you for being a foster parent. I honestly have no advice to give....just lots of empathy because I'm sure this must be so hard.


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

Don't feel bad, its out of my realm of expertise as well. I have no grasp at all on how to handle this.


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

Maneo said:


> don't adopt when you have the feelings you do and he has the behavior issues. do what is best for your family and this little foster child but you and your husband have to find common ground.


The problem is finding the common ground. He has every faith that this little dude will snap out of this behavior. I'm cautious in the sense that I can't agree that adoption is the best move if I'm going on the assumption that one day he may eventually like the other kids. That wouldn't be fair to any of them. But how do I make the husband see that.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have no experience in any of this so take everything with a grain of salt. But thoughts...

He's acting out with you because you are the new mom, and he likely learned that he had to act that way with his bio mom to get any sort of attention. In a way the acting out is also a compliment to you because it means he feels comfortable around you. He's just little and doesn't understand how to properly connect. 

Another thought...was his mom using drugs during her pregnancy with him? Any chance his behavior could be linked?

What about any other developmental issues?

What does his therapist say? 

Do you have connections with a family counselor of any kind via fostering? 

This sounds so difficult. A two year old really doesnt have the ability to strategize behavior and also can't tell you why he's so reactive around the other younger kids.


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

I'm not sure about drug use during pregnancy. I think this is a new thing, but I do know she had an open case with her other son back in '12, but she lost total custody of him. The way I understand it is that she stopped fighting to get him when she got pregnant with the boy I currently have, like she was okay with just trading one for the other. 

The fostering agency I'm licensed through is kind of blowing it off as normal two year old behavior, but the local department of child service is actually making referrals for another in home therapist for him so I'll at least have documents of his behavior. His current therapist is just as confused by the situation as I am.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mrs H,

Great post. 
You use the term 'my' children, not 'our children'. Is your H the bio dad of your 3 kids? 





MrsHousewife said:


> I feel like such an awful person for even asking for advice on this but I don't want to approach it the wrong way with my husband...
> 
> Ok, so we have a foster son that is two years old. We're the first home he's ever been in. He was never physically abused (to our knowledge) but on an emotional level, WOW. From what we've figured out from his behavior, nobody ever paid attention to this kid. Bio mom is always testing positive for meth and opana, (not sure how she affords both, she doesn't have a job).
> 
> ...


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

To my youngest son, yes. My daughter is his step daughter but he may as well be her father, she's never laid eyes on bio dad. My UAE of "my children" was just maternal protection kicking in.


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