# Hello



## AndHereSheIs (Aug 26, 2018)

New member here, married but lonely, been married for 25 years, have 3 wonderful children, my marriage has been like a soap opera, with hubby cheating early in our marriage, a separation, a reconciliation for the childrens sake and now I’m feeling empty and lonely. Hubby doesn’t like to talk about our relationship, he just sticks his head in the sand every time I bring it up. We don’t cuddle, we don’t touch, and he is just likes to prentend everything is ok, when it’s not. I don’t love him anymore, I think my love for him ended when I found out he had been unfaithful and if he didn’t come home one day, I wouldn’t care. I think he knows things aren’t right but he’s afraid of being on his own because I handle everything, he probably wouldn’t know what to do. He ignores our finances, and I’m just tired of doing everything. Life will be much simpler if I was on my own, but sometimes I think that it’s not bad enough to leave, but also not great enough to stay. We are both 46. I think maybe because we married so young we didn’t really have time to figure out what we wanted in our future. Anyway, I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to let all these bottled feelings out. I just feel like a need a hug. 🌺


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, sorry you are having a hard time of things.


*Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship * by Mira Kirshenbaum


How old are your children now?

Do you work out side the home? Does our husband? It's not clear from your post.

For a lot of people it's easy to get complacent. Sometimes it takes an explosion (or sorts) to get us moving out the door. So as you imply, you need to decide what it is that you want out of your life. Forget your husband right now. What do you want your life to be like for the next 5, 10, 20 years? How are you going to go about having that life? 

Now what do you need to do to make your life into what you want it to be? It might mean leaving your husband. But it definitely means that you need to change what you are doing.

So let's start there. What do you do for yourself? What are your hobbies? What is your social life like?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Andheresheis, Sorry you feel this way but I think after a long time married and with infidelity in the mix your feelings are perfectly normal. How old are your children? How many times did he cheat in the marriage and how long ago was it?

I think you yourself need to go and talk to a counselor or therapist just to sort through your thoughts and feelings to see what you want to do with the rest of your life. There will be benefits of staying and benefits of leaving. 

Many women reach this point in their lives after rearing kids and if they have spent the best part of their life with a partner who has been unfaithful or not treated them well they will start to have thoughts of an alternative life.

It sounds as if your WH knows that you are having an issue with the status quo, have you brought up his cheating recently, he may be scared to say or do anything cause he knows you may leave him. However, this is the time to look after yourself and stop being the carrier/protector of the marriage. Your WH has to deal with this somehow.

Do you have a good support network if you decide to divorce?


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## AndHereSheIs (Aug 26, 2018)

I have 2 adult children and a 17 year old who is the only one remaining at home. I work part time and love my job. Once my youngest leaves home, I just can’t see us remaining in a relationship, to be honest we are more like room mates than a married couple. I want to be on my own but I can’t afford to right now. I don’t even want to try to fix our marriage, I’ve tried before but it just doesn’t last and I felt like I’ve been just pretending. 


I don’t really have a social life, I am not that keen on going out, but I have lost around 50lbs over the last year, and this has made me more self confident. I confide in my closest friends, and my mum and aunties, but we have moved to another country and have been here for 2.5 years so not close distance to them, I guess the move here was an attempt to see if being in a new environment would fix things, but it hasn’t.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You need to lose another 190 lbs.
Lose your husband.

He does not sound horrible, you have just fallen out of love with him.
As you mentioned, you do not need him except for his salary.

Do not dawdle, get a plan and a timeline in place. 


Find full time work. 
Separate your finances. 
Work on getting your own place. 
File the divorce papers just prior to moving out.

As @aine, {Aunty Aine} has said, "This is the time where men and women look at their place in life and question it's tenability".

If one married early in life, at this stage you become empty-nesters. 
Staying for the children is no longer an issue.

This is where you are at.

Forty six is still young. You can start over. 

Do not do this with the hope of finding a better man, do so to get free of a way of life that is not satisfying.
You do not want to get out of one bad relationship and into another. 
It happens too often!


Continue getting fit and in shape.
Do a lot of walking and other activities. 

Later, once you are divorced you can date again, begin new adventures, do some traveling with friends or a new lover.
Go slow, you have time.


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## AndHereSheIs (Aug 26, 2018)

I definitely am not looking for another relationship.......I just want my freedom. And he isn’t horrible, I’m just tired of being married and putting everyone before myself. You are right, I need to have a plan. I am looking to find full time employment with my current company, and I, hoping something will come up soon. I’m not in a mad rush, and I think my husband may feel the same way, but he won’t admit it. He’s an avoider. 

Thanks everyone for your imput, I really appreciate it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

When you have a husband who actually takes action to lead you to feel valued, you won't mind so much putting others first. Being married to your husband sounds incredibly lonely. 

So, when you constantly do for others, are you frustrated with them...or yourself?


AndHereSheIs said:


> I definitely am not looking for another relationship.......I just want my freedom. And he isn’t horrible, I’m just tired of being married and putting everyone before myself. You are right, I need to have a plan. I am looking to find full time employment with my current company, and I, hoping something will come up soon. I’m not in a mad rush, and I think my husband may feel the same way, but he won’t admit it. He’s an avoider.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your imput, I really appreciate it.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AndHereSheIs said:


> I definitely am not looking for another relationship.......I just want my freedom. And he isn’t horrible, I’m just tired of being married and putting everyone before myself. You are right, I need to have a plan. I am looking to find full time employment with my current company, and I, hoping something will come up soon. I’m not in a mad rush, and I think my husband may feel the same way, but he won’t admit it. He’s an *avoider*.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your imput, I really appreciate it.


I like words, I like avoider. 

He avoids conflict.
He is a procrastinator.
He is that ostrich, his head in the sand, avoiding the inevitable.

He is slow to action.
He lives in a 'void'.

He lives in a hole, cannot find a ladder out.

You are his ladder out. 
When you climb out, his 'void' goes away.

He gets free when you get free.

Passive is this man, a leaf in life's shifting winds.

Your leaf will find its place, a place more to your liking.

When you say you are not looking for a new relationship I hope you are mistaken, being reticent.

For you to shun companionship at forty-six is a travesty.

If true, this speaks volumes. 

...................


If true, so many nights alone, so many strokes never felt.




SCM-


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## AndHereSheIs (Aug 26, 2018)

Well sometimes I just long to be held, without the expectation of sex. That would be nice, but just having my freedom is my priority when I’m finally make the break.......to be able to just cook, clean and work for myself, to not have to tell anyone where I’m goung or how long I’ll be....I’m just tired I guess. In the future if someone comes along, that’s ok, but I just feel like I need to focus on me. Potentially return home in a few years to my parents and care for them as they are both 70 and I really want to spend more time with them. I worry how my children will take it though. My daughter has already sensed it, and asks me if I’m not happy I should leave.....but she’s closest to me so I think she can read me like a book.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I agree with Sunc and your daughter, heck I started over at 50. And you are right, it’s nice to be hugged without the expectation of sex. I wish you the best in your pursuit to find happiness and here’s a virtual (((( hug )))) from an old timer.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

AndHereSheIs said:


> New member here, married but lonely, been married for 25 years, have 3 wonderful children, my marriage has been like a soap opera, with hubby cheating early in our marriage, a separation, a reconciliation for the childrens sake and now I’m feeling empty and lonely. Hubby doesn’t like to talk about our relationship, he just sticks his head in the sand every time I bring it up. We don’t cuddle, we don’t touch, and he is just likes to prentend everything is ok, when it’s not. I don’t love him anymore, I think my love for him ended when I found out he had been unfaithful and if he didn’t come home one day, I wouldn’t care. I think he knows things aren’t right but he’s afraid of being on his own because I handle everything, he probably wouldn’t know what to do. He ignores our finances, and I’m just tired of doing everything. Life will be much simpler if I was on my own, but sometimes I think that it’s not bad enough to leave, but also not great enough to stay. We are both 46. I think maybe because we married so young we didn’t really have time to figure out what we wanted in our future. Anyway, I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to let all these bottled feelings out. I just feel like a need a hug. 🌺


His infidelity killed your marriage--of course, he doesn't want to talk about 'it.' You've gone through the motions for a long, long time--that would make anyone tired and ready to escape.

NOW is a good time to decide whether y'all want to work on the marriage--it takes two--or start over. It takes a lot of courage and energy to change--no matter which way you decide.

My mantra is that you are setting an example for your children that the way you are living is acceptable. Is that what you want?

Nothing is lonelier than an empty marriage....


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