# When YOUR friends/family chooses your cheating EX over YOU ?



## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

Ex GF/BF/FIANCEE/HUSBAND/WIFE ?

Who's been there ?

What was their reason ?

Reconciled or not yet/ever?

Your reaction ?

Outcome ?



My neighbor told me a story about an old friend of his


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My husband and I are still together. His aunt and cousin chose his AP over me.


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## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> My husband and I are still together. His aunt and cousin chose his AP over me.


Reason?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chump lady talks about this quite a bit on her website and the consensus there is that people that embrace the affair/AP or even just turn a blind, neutral eye towards it are just added layers if toxin and anguish and are best to be cut out of your life like any other cancer.


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## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

Don’t want to go too into detail but, his ex cheated on him with his high school friend that his parents adored, his ex-‘friend’ still went to family events and was still adored and brought his ex gf. His dad then defended his ex-friend and saying he was jealous of him which ultimately resulted in him flipping out and cutting ties.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Beccagirl said:


> Don’t want to go too into detail but, his ex cheated on him with his high school friend that his parents adored, his ex-‘friend’ still went to family events and was still adored and brought his ex gf. His dad then defended his ex-friend and saying he was jealous of him which ultimately resulted in him flipping out and cutting ties.


That sounds crazier than my family. the situations that I am thinking of, they didn't involve cheating, but still family loyalty should come first. My mother continued to socialise with my brother's ex wife for more than a year, bringing her to family events even as my brother was dating his future second wife.

It might be that FIL has found his sweetspot whenver your husband gets upset about this matter. But there is nothing positive to say about the character of your FIL


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## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Beccagirl said:
> 
> 
> > Don’t want to go too into detail but, his ex cheated on him with his high school friend that his parents adored, his ex-‘friend’ still went to family events and was still adored and brought his ex gf. His dad then defended his ex-friend and saying he was jealous of him which ultimately resulted in him flipping out and cutting ties.
> ...


Im single.

This boyfriend is my neighbors buddy


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## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

This sounds incredibly similar to a post from reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationsh.../my_mom_still_talks_to_my_exbest_friend_even/


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arobk said:


> This sounds incredibly similar to a post from reddit.
> 
> https://www.reddit.com/r/relationsh.../my_mom_still_talks_to_my_exbest_friend_even/


Just proves that there are more than enough mentally damaged people to go round, many of whom seem to think they have the right to give family members **** sandwiches, and expect them to give the thumbs up and smile whilst eating it.


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## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> arobk said:
> 
> 
> > This sounds incredibly similar to a post from reddit.
> ...


Wierd..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beccagirl said:


> Wierd..


What is weird, @Beccagirl?


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> My husband and I are still together. His aunt and cousin chose his AP over me.


Do you know why they chose his AP over you? Do they not associate with you at all?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

BruceBanner said:


> Do you know why they chose his AP over you? Do they not associate with you at all?


Well, they live in another state. They used to live here a few years ago. When my husband was in high school, his ex gf (the AP) used to live with him. His aunt and cousins lived with him at the same time. So they were very close at one point. Then I came along and they remained friends with her. I didn’t mind that, I’m still friendly with some of my exes families. When I discovered the full extent of his affair this past summer, I blew the whole thing up on FB. His aunt and one cousin got angry at me for that, and deleted me from facebook. They remained friends with her and like and comment on her pictures and statuses. The aunt will now talk to me, but the cousin is still angry. I haven’t asked why they’ve remained friends with her. You’d think that given the situation and that I’m family, they would be respectful and not associate with her, even though it’s just FB. But I guess I don’t understand. I haven’t asked because honestly it does hurt a lot. This aunt was my favorite on my husbands side. I wouldn’t say we were super close, but we talked a lot when we were around each other. I understand they didn’t like me blasting him on FB, but I can’t believe they’d remain friendly with her. It's been one of the most hurtful things in all of this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Well, they live in another state. They used to live here a few years ago. When my husband was in high school, his ex gf (the AP) used to live with him. His aunt and cousins lived with him at the same time. So they were very close at one point. Then I came along and they remained friends with her. I didn’t mind that, I’m still friendly with some of my exes families. When I discovered the full extent of his affair this past summer, I blew the whole thing up on FB. His aunt and one cousin got angry at me for that, and deleted me from facebook. They remained friends with her and like and comment on her pictures and statuses. The aunt will now talk to me, but the cousin is still angry. I haven’t asked why they’ve remained friends with her. You’d think that given the situation and that I’m family, they would be respectful and not associate with her, even though it’s just FB. But I guess I don’t understand. I haven’t asked because honestly it does hurt a lot. This aunt was my favorite on my husbands side. I wouldn’t say we were super close, but we talked a lot when we were around each other. I understand they didn’t like me blasting him on FB, but I can’t believe they’d remain friendly with her. It's been one of the most hurtful things in all of this.










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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Beccagirl said:


> Ex GF/BF/FIANCEE/HUSBAND/WIFE ?
> 
> Who's been there ?
> 
> ...


Never went through it yourself? Why all the questions? Do you expect to go through it? 

Been there

They don't tell you a reason. 

No reconciliation and it isn't likely

My reaction was to be permanently emotionally scarred and have my personality change a little. 

I found myself losing my wife, hearing her over the phone while she gave her man a bj on the evening of the day she left, after he used her phone to call me. I honestly believe I had a stroke. My blood pressure was very high. I felt like I pissed my pants, but can't remember, if I did. I found the phone hanging from my hand while standing beside my bed. I tried to raise my right hand and it would only bend a little at the elbow. I had to grab it with my left hand and hold it to my ear. When I tried to speak, I could only feel the left side of my tongue. The right side was there, it was just numb. I couldn't speak clearly enough for my ex to understand me and she thought I was playing some game with her. I was so confused by what happened, I did not call an ambulance or the doctor. I did not know what to do. I could not think. 

I went to the grocery store the next day. I had a list with me with a few things on it. Eggs, milk and some bread or something. I could not figure out where these things were located. I had been going to the store off and on since I was a teen or younger, with my mother. I was 49 when this happened. 

I left the store because I could not even look at the list I wrote on and then the signs in the aisles and figure out if what was on the paper was on the sign. Yes, I could write a bit with my right hand. It wasn't easy, and I didn't know why I was having trouble. Why didn't I know? Something happened to my brain. I still do not know what. 

I left and went to mum's apartment, barely holding back tears. I needed help and instinctively went to her. I knew she could do little, but I could not figure out where else to go. My brother and his wife were standing outside and the screen door was held open and the main door was wide open. My brother and his wife were talking and I asked what was going on. I could not figure out anything. I was a mess, and I did not know why. 

They said they called an ambulance for mum. First thought was, "now, I've lost my mother, too". So, I asked if she was dead. My brother said, "yes". My legs could not hold me up. They helped me inside. I was crying and asking what happened. Mum was on the floor of the living room in a sitting position. I was in the foyer, inside the front door. Her head was hanging with her chin close to or against her chest. I started crying a bit harder. 


My SIL went in and shook her and said, "****, you son is here. Say something, ****". I begged her to stop shaking my mum, cause I believed she was dead. I half hollered through tears, "Leave her alone. She's dead." 


Suddenly, mum moved and said something. I broke down, On The Spot. They called a second ambulance. I spent a couple to three days in hospital. Never checked my brain, though I begged them. They told me I had a nervous breakdown and gave me some pills I later was taken off of when they realized they were making me worse. This all went on for about three of four months after the day my ex left. 


My brother and his wife had no sympathy. They had heard stories from my ex, before she left, which weren't true. They were sprinkled with truth as a good liar does to entice belief. I lived with very little food. I could not take care of myself. I could not remember how to cook, do laundry or any normal thing. I had to learn again and they treated me with disdain and told me to use things that ruined my clothing. I had no idea because of what I truly believe was something caused by an extremely high blood pressure. Aneurysm? I don't know. Stroke? Maybe. 

I lost well over 45 lbs in less than two months. I lost muscle mass. I lost skin elasticity and I aged at least ten years. Many folks think I am ten years older than I am and do not believe my true age. 


My ex saw me recently, and asked my sister if I had cancer because I'd lost so much muscle mass and looked so much older. No, I haven't seen her since June of '11. I've only seen her in traffic in another car and the back and side of her in a restaurant. I made no attempts to contact her since that(june '11). 


Once I healed up a bit, and mum passed, a bit over a year or maybe two later, I quit talking to them. I'd gained enough strength and healed enough to figure out what was going on and made a decision to leave them be and hope they left me alone, too. They have and I am okay with that, till my death. 

We don't know what life has in store, but if we can think and are free to choose our path, we can. 


Some other things happened during this time. Some were terrible and involved mum, while they led to my prolonged recovery and to her having a nervous breakdown, while in a personal care home for having dementia, which her doctor for twenty years said she did not have, while the doctor my brother and his wife suggested she get and basically forced her into seeing, told her she needed to go to a home or have someone come to her home to help. 


I was a mess for a long time and could barely take care of myself. I cried many nights for her and myself, while I begged God for mercy for both of us. Maybe we got it, in the end? 


So, there is your story. Some things are missing, but most is there. You can see some things that changed me. There are plenty more during that time of about two years, or a year and a half. I'm not sure, now. I don't want to think that hard about it.


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## Beccagirl (Dec 23, 2018)

Wow that sucks. Did you ever confront ****head dude or tell your wife for letting dude call??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Beccagirl said:


> Wow that sucks. Did you ever confront ****head dude or tell your wife for letting dude call??


Wife did not know he was going to call. She was busy with his lollipop. She was just a lying cheating self absorbed **** pig who was following her true nature. I had no clue she was like that, until after we married. She was completely sex positive, as they call it today... lol... best way to put it. 

I went through a series of jobs from then until now. I found myself working where he did, in a small shop of maybe 15 employees. I could not confront him directly because I would not only lose my job, but have difficulty finding another. However, I made it well known to him how I felt. In fact, the owner laid me off, but told me, he understood. He gave me a good recommendation for my next job. 

In fact, I worked at the same places I knew the few guys who were her lovers worked. It was quite odd. 

She is less than nothing to me. I do not want to talk about her any more. She is not worth the time and space in my brain. I have a decent life, now. It might not be perfect, but nothing is. It's all about learning to be happy with what you have. 

I enjoy TAM and all the folks I've known for years, here. Some of them will probably appreciate these explanations. I don't remember posting them before. They deserve something. It just took a bit over seven years to tell the main points. I was embarrassed and felt I could have done more, but really, there is nothing you can do, but accept it. They will never feel what they made you feel. Best to cut them out of your life and feel nothing for them. They will see that. Then, live the best life you can. Forget about them and live. Remember them and lose what life you might find joy in. Work hard at it. It pays off, even if it isn't exactly the way you figured.

Edit: Keep hard boundaries about those folks. They don't change. "No", is a wonderful word. Learn how to use it properly. Remember you say it for your health and welfare, not to harm or hurt anyone. That's a key understanding of the word.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Well there are some people who get can get away with anything. Maybe it's because they are just generally likable or people feel good around them or feel good to be accepted by them no matter what. I think we all know people like this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> Well there are some people who get can get away with anything. Maybe it's because they are just generally likable or people feel good around them or feel good to be accepted by them no matter what. I think we all know people like this.


*This personifies my RSXW to a tee ~ a relentless, narcissistic, salesman ~ warm to her family, friends and love interests and icily cold and unconscionably deceptive to all of those whom she chooses to affront!*


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> [/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


great meme. I agree


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *This personifies my RSXW to a tee ~ a relentless, narcissistic, salesman ~ warm to her family, friends and love interests and icily cold and unconscionably deceptive to all of those whom she chooses to affront!*


 Basically a psychopath. 
You should create a comic with her as the supervillain. @SunCMars could help you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Never went through it yourself? Why all the questions? Do you expect to go through it?
> 
> Been there
> 
> ...


Very sad account, 2ndtnuf. I'm glad you made it to today.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> Very sad account, 2ndtnuf. I'm glad you made it to today.


Thank you. At one time, I did not want to make it to today. I have changed those feelings for the most part, with counseling and medication.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Basically a psychopath.
> You should create a comic with her as the supervillain. @SunCMars could help you.


*Even worse, a psychopath with money!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> Very sad account, 2ndtnuf. I'm glad you made it to today.


2ndtnuf 
It sounds like you had a haemoragic stroke. These are caused by massive spikes in blood pressure.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't know it as a BS, but I know it as the spawn of an affair. 

Mom's side of the family stopped speaking to me years ago, before a Thanksgiving while I was in college in fact. They wouldn't even spend Thanksgiving with me, so I spent it serving people in a homeless shelter until someone else there realized I had no where to go and invited me to their family's Thanksgiving. 
Her side was too high and mighty and religious to ever speak to me. I was the best man in dad's wedding. (We'll disregard the fact that their little princess is a cheating THOT because that just muddies the waters for everyone...)

Dad's side is a much sadder story. 
We got into fights. Fist fights, that I started winning. 
It went back and forth for some time, both with him and his family for a few years. But our relationship finally died when we opened a 2nd DNA test and discovered I wasn't his son. (I didn't wan't to believe the results of the first one). 
I haven't seen or spoken to him in years. I used to send him fathers day cards, and wanted to talk to him. His last words to me were "I'm going to forget you." But after years of no response, of nothing but silence, I didn't send him a father's day card this year, or a Christmas card. I have accepted the fact that our relationship is dead. There is nothing I can do to change that. 


The only thing harder than getting cut-off from your family, is when you have to cut off some members for yourself. 
I had to cut out my siblings. I don't know how much they know (never told them we're only half-siblings) but I removed them from my life. I did it because I couldn't mentally and emotionally take seeing them. It was destroying me when I had to see them and to think they didn't know the truth. It worried me to think that they might follow me, as the black-sheep of the family. 
I don't want them to do what I did, and pursue a paternity test. I'm sure my sister put it together since she helped me with the first, and I have no clue what Dad told her regarding it. 
So I'm the villain so they won't follow me. I'm the jerkish, uncaring son that won't see his mother. 


Think I got lost in my thoughts. What was the question again?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I had a client whose family did the 180 on her subsequent to her marriage dissolving as a consequence of infidelity. I did not know the extent to which her family was dysfunctional, but I could glean from several observations that she was the one that they would blame in any family situation. They made her life complete hell during the divorce, and reduced her to tears. I did a little investigating, and had some fairly rotten things on her sibs and her dad. Her brother had several affairs, a DUI and sketchy income. Her Dad was a functional alcoholic. And these fools lined up behind her EXWH to make her life misery. So, my PI had discovered that the brother had two warrants out for his arrest, and was successfully avoiding the law. Dad on the other hand had hit another car while drunk, and fled the scene. These idiots all showed up to my office when we were unlacing the divorcing couple's assets. I had no idea why the hubby's attorney wanted them present except as a way to keep a boot pressed against her neck. 

Every financial contention made by my client was struck down by her Dad, brother and Mom. I finally could take no more. I stood up in the meeting and asked my buddy to enter the meeting. The lawyer for the other side and her family were a little taken aback. I said that he will have a comment to make in a minute, and I went back to the assets that I ascribed to each party. When I got to the cars, the brother stood up and said that they were both purchased by the husband and she had no rights to crap. My buddy stood up, and placed the brother and the father under arrest at the meeting. They looked at my client, and told her she was a ***** for ratting them out and she would pay. I step up, and said, nope, this was not of her doing, I have been watching the show from afar, and how you arseholes were working her. I assume her husband has promised you a whole lot. The mom sits up and says;'You got that right, he wins and we get some money and her car." I state that you are not parents or siblings. I say to my friend, "Officer, arrest these two. The Mom starts bawling. "She had so much and wouldn't share, then the ***** rats on us?" I say she didn't, I did, and they are both going to jail. The husband's lawyer begins to backtrack. I stop him there, and ask the court reporter to read back some of what has been said. I say that you guys took an oath before you made statements on the record. That is PERJURY. I look at the lawyer, and his expression tells me that he knew. I say to him, "Counsellor, I am reporting you to the law society for suborning perjury. I am taking your f'cking license too. The EXWH is next on my list. We will be adjusting our demands at this point. I hope you have enough money. He is looking like a deer in the headlights, and begins begging my client. Oh, I forgot to mention, he was a member of my profession. Perjury, automatically gets you suspended. I made sure that the officer in the room swore out a complaint. I was called as a witness in his suspension hearing. I paid the court reporter to bring HER copy of the minutes of that meeting. My client made out quite well. She no longer has her despicable family to berate and steal from her. She does have most of her husband's posessions, and his partners at his accounting firm had to pay out 50% of his equity to her. He was suspended for an indefinite period. Her brother spent a year in the penitentiary. Her father paid fines that were significant, and was subrogated against by the insurance company of the other driver. I believe he had to buy that person a brand new vehicle. Looked damn good on all involved. Oh the lawyer from the other side was suspended for six months, and sued his clients, for loss of income. My client has a lovely home, and a nice new relationship. Her mother attempted to contact her.....to plead for some money. We sent her mother a legal cease and desist order. Her mother will face harsh penalties for attempting that communication. But, I do know that her family is on the verge of bankruptcy.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@Taxman, I thought you were an accountant, not an attorney?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Thank you. At one time, I did not want to make it to today. I have changed those feelings for the most part, with counseling and medication.


 @2ntnuf Just now reading your last several posts. My heart hurts for you. What a long, difficult path you have traveled. Sounds like you know who you are and what you stand for and how to appreciate life and happiness. Hard to believe someone didn't take better care of you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

sunsetmist said:


> @2ntnuf Just now reading your last several posts. My heart hurts for you. What a long, difficult path you have traveled. Sounds like you know who you are and what you stand for and how to appreciate life and happiness. Hard to believe someone didn't take better care of you.


I haven't quite figured out what has been going on in my family. I mean my siblings and I. I am the baby. My oldest sibling is 13 years older. That would make him 70, later on this year. I will turn 57 after he turns 70. Him and another sibling are one family who grew up differently, in almost a completely different family, when you look at it. I have a sibling who is only 15 months older and we were always strained. We do try and it seems she cares about me. 

However, I've been confronted with, "you got anything you wanted". I asked them to enumerate. They couldn't. What they did say wasn't even true, though they believed their assumptions anyway. I realized there is no sense in trying to make someone believe anything they are convinced is different. I also realized, it isn't simply them, but the whole or most of humanity, that's like that. I think that's why folks complaining about being judged bothers me. I don't know anyone who doesn't, though those who complain the most about it seem to do it more than those who do not. 

Whatever, life is what it is. Can't change others. Can't make them see things they are blind to observing. You just get excuses from the other side that back their preconceived notions and support their denial. I do the same, sometimes. I'm not immune. I do my best not to do that. I'm sure they do, also.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> @Taxman, I thought you were an accountant, not an attorney?


Still an accountant, however I do allow my boardroom to be used by counsel, and I was "second chairing" my client's attorney. I have been trained with some paralegal capabilities, however, this was beyond the pale. I had never had a client's family actually turn on them, and line up behind the ex-spouse. This was literally him buying off her family. I just had to make that purchase absolutely worthless.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Still an accountant, however I do allow my boardroom to be used by counsel, and I was "second chairing" my client's attorney. I have been trained with some paralegal capabilities, however, this was beyond the pale. I had never had a client's family actually turn on them, and line up behind the ex-spouse. This was literally him buying off her family. I just had to make that purchase absolutely worthless.


Your skill piqued my curiosity. Thanks for answering, when you didn't have to. I just took a chance and asked.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

There are millions of stories in the Naked City, and this was one of them. Sorry, favorite detective show from the early sixties, and it always ended that way. I have been waiting to use that line. (Beats the hell out of most TV show closings, where sometimes you are not sure the damn thing is over)


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## jyotisharma2859 (Feb 12, 2019)

I suggest don't choose my cheating ex it's wrong


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

That's simple for me. I would be less family and friends. I would move on with my life and show them that I didn't need people like that in my life.


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