# movin MIL in



## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

We're gonna be moving in a few weeks, to a bigger house, to move my husband's mom in, my family says Im crazy and making a big mistake. I've tried to explain a hundred thousand ways that I dont have the heart to say no, when I know she has no where to go. Ive put my foot down to my husband that she cant tell us what friends we can and cant have over, or that we cant drink, or to tell me how to raise my child. I dont want to feel like Im living at home all over again. 

My MIL suffers from bipolar disorder, shes suicidal, COPD, shes on Oxygen, mood swings, but yet, she takes meds for all the things listed. Her and my husband have had their differences in the past, shes up set because we refuse to move my BIL in, but she understands why. I dont want my child in an environment surrounded by drugs and violence. 

Am I crazy? Will this be a mistake? My family wont support this, they only bring me down...


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## Josh145 (Nov 10, 2009)

I suggest you read what you posted a few times, it sounds to me like you're going to have a very unhappy home in short order.

If it were me I'd be exhausting all my other options before it came to moving her in.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow. i dont think you are crazy, but maybe a little naive to what you are getting yourself into. I know there were promises made about her behavior but if she has bipolar i think you're going to learn very quickly that those agreements will slowly shatter. 

I would suggest that you start looking for a place she can go, just in case things go downhill. and dont blame your H when they do.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

that's just it, there's no where else she can go, none of her siblings will take her in, they claim they don't have room. Her youngest son is too stuck on himself and his habits to even worry about getting a job and taking care of her, so its falling back on my Husband, Ive lived with her before, and when shes not around certain people, shes real easy to get along with. 

We thought about looking for her an income based apartment or something, but she gets paranoid and she doesn't have a vehicle, so we had to think of something else, and this is it... Im willing to give it a try, I don't have the heart to say no, and I wouldn't want my Husband to tell me I couldn't move my mom in if she didn't have anywhere to go... I just hope this doesn't come back to haunt me...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

amberlynn said:


> We thought about looking for her an income based apartment or something, but she gets paranoid and she doesn't have a vehicle, so we had to think of something else, and this is it..


so there is some place she can go, she just doesnt want to. I get the whole 'driven by guilt' thing. i let my sister stay with me for a few months because i felt bad for telling her no. stupidest thing i ever did. i hate her now, she hates me, and we dont talk. 

i hope it does work out for you. if it doesnt, im sure it'll just be a learning experience and everything will work out just fine.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> We're gonna be moving in a few weeks, to a bigger house, to move my husband's mom in, my family says Im crazy and making a big mistake. I've tried to explain a hundred thousand ways that I dont have the heart to say no, when I know she has no where to go. Ive put my foot down to my husband that she cant tell us what friends we can and cant have over, or that we cant drink, or to tell me how to raise my child. I dont want to feel like Im living at home all over again.
> 
> My MIL suffers from bipolar disorder, shes suicidal, COPD, shes on Oxygen, mood swings, but yet, she takes meds for all the things listed. Her and my husband have had their differences in the past, shes up set because we refuse to move my BIL in, but she understands why. I dont want my child in an environment surrounded by drugs and violence.
> 
> Am I crazy? Will this be a mistake? My family wont support this, they only bring me down...


With her personal issues I think your making a big mistake.
How old is she? why can't she go into an assisted living or nursing home? 

OMG... bipolar disorder, shes suicidal... that alone says this is NOT a good idea.
I hope at least, maybe your house is large and she can stay on one side of it. Maybe you can also see to getting her a personal attendent through some community based assistance program or medicade... rather than try to do all her care yourself, which will only add to problems with her mental illness history of bipolar and suicidal. 
 be ready for surprises......... after she moves in...........
its a scary thing your doing although I know you have good intentions... because of the problems she has mentally....
this could prove to be one of the worse ideas ever for you and your family.




Josh145 said:


> If it were me I'd be exhausting all my other options before it came to moving her in.


yeah I agree...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I've got the hebbie jebbies just reading this stuff.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Your intentions are good hon, but this is going to end badly. She and your H already have a rocky relationship, or have had one in the past. Bipolar and suicidal, NOT a good mix. You may want to research the types of aid she is entitled to, maybe an assisted living facility would better suit her, and many offer transportation to and from appointments, shopping days, etc. I just don't see this ending in a good way for you OR your child.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

This does sound like a scary situation to agree to. If you've already agreed to it, maybe word it as a trial arrangement so you don't feel stuck should things go south.

Many assisted and/or independent living places are based on what you can afford and they also provide meals, room cleaning, etc. Some even rides to the hospital and are close enough to walk to shops, etc. Might be worth looking into just in case.

BTW, very nice of you, Amberlynn. I used to have the 'nice lady syndrome' but am learning to say 'no' as I get older


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Thanks for all the feed back and support. Shes a little on the hefty side and after years of smoking, she gives out of breath if she walks too far, even tho we are moving right behind a grocery store, she wouldnt be able to walk there. 

Her and my husband have both had their ups and downs together, but in my honest opinion, its her youngest son thats caused the most damage to her. He's tryin to talk her out of moving in with us and moving in with people she doesnt know so he can be with his girlfriend. He's not even worried about her well being. 

We're signing a lease tomorrow on a house we looked at Monday, and the lady that owns it, wants all 3 of us to sign the lease, so if things go sour, we'll be stuck in it for a year. 

Shes able to care for herself, shes just never lived on her own, she gets paranoid that someone is gonna break in on her, and she doesnt wanna be far away from her grandson.. 

Im willing to give this a try for my husband's sake, I wouldnt want him to tell me I couldnt move my mom in if something happened, so Im not gonna tell him he cant move his in. I just hope all this doesnt come back to haunt me..


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Be sure you get a deadbolt for every room in the house..... get a smoke alert alarm for every room too...
and any other safety device you can afford ( survillence cameras to watch her, even while she sleeps) in case she goes from suicidal to homocial and decides to crawl into the kitch one night while everyones sleeping and turn on the gas on the stove.... or sneak into someones room at night and hurt them.... maybe not even intentioanlly as she is suicidal, which means she has some severe mental health problems...

or some other such situation you may find yourself in .. as she will most likely do VERY ODD things and quite a few times too !!!. Also if you have pets, get rid of them NOW... as she could slip the dog the pills she decides not to take.... hurting or killing it.

Your going to be sorry for doing this... helping someone as unstable as she sounds... by letting her int your home, and your not trained professionals in medical or mental health... your life is sure going to be chuck full of surprises, most all not good.

I have worked with people like you describe her, the things they can come up with will blow your mind....
as will the trouble they can get into... even though you dont think she is capable because of her being overweight / long time smoker ( guess you mean she has COPD or something like it)
as you said, as she most likely can do more than you think she can.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Ive lived with her before, and shes really not that bad, shes been told she will have to smoke outside due to i dont want her smoking around my son, and she respects that. The front porch is screened in, so she wont have to worry about bugs bothering her, or if its raining. 

She visits a mental health dr every 3 months, and they make regular visits. She does have COPD and shes on Oxygen at night to help her sleep. I dont think she would do anything crazy, shes only tried to kill herself twice and thats been many years ago, back when my husband was still a child.

Shes an okay person until her youngest son pushes her buttons, he knows just much it takes to get on her nerves and he will just keep on at her until she explodes. Hes told her he hates her and wishes she would die, so I honestly believe thats why she is the way she is. Im hoping that getting her out of that environment will change her attitude, and her mental status. Shes been mistreated by both her kids, put down and stepped on by family members, so I think this may have a lot to do with whats wrong with her.

I dont think she would do anything to hurt us, we're the only ones that has been there for her when she needed us. I was the only one that would take her to the dr when she needed to go, or to the hospital when her oxygen level got too low and she couldnt breath, so maybe this is a good change for her. I sure hope so, for my family's sake anyways...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

It sounds like... she may not only be elidgible for a personal attendent as she may qualify for MEDICAIDE...
but also would greatly benefit from one. Medicaide is like a welfare system for old people ( sometimes young ones too), its not medicare ( certain guidelines must b emet) which is something else.

I dont know if this opportunity for her to get that will be compromised because she lives with you... for your benefit, draw up a monthly RENTAL lease with her... 
if at all possible.... not as her carrying the lease or on it, except as a DEPENDENT.... 
so she can qualify for personal care help and services... to not become a burden on you as sometimes people can, more so since you have small children ( ? ) I think you said you did.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Heres an update on this situation, we met with the lady last monday on a house, signed the lease last wednesday and moved in that night, my MIL isnt moving in for a few months but she DID sign the lease.... not sure where this is gonna go or how its gonna go, but we're stuck here for a year. 

Shes on medicade, medicare and AARP, shes okay with my kid, she knows shes not allowed to spank him in any kind of way due to her harsh nature that she has from time to time, the smallest thing gets on her nerves but its only cause she lets it. 

This house is big enough to hide from her or to hide her if things go bad, but I have faith that all things will work out for the best. I do love my bigger house, and so does my little one, central heat and air spoils me


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good luck, Amberlynn...I'm glad you have a little time to settle in before your MIL joins you.

She's on oxygen and she smokes?! That baffles me!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

swedish said:


> Good luck, Amberlynn...I'm glad you have a little time to settle in before your MIL joins you.
> 
> She's on oxygen and she smokes?! That baffles me!


thanks! yeah she smokes and shes on oxygen... the drs ask her if shes tryin to blow herself up... but shes hard headed, cant tell her nothin... she doesnt smoke around it, she smokes outside...but its bound to happen..sooner or later..she's gonna go boom... wont stop her from smokin tho lol.. sadly enough


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

So, heres an update for those thats been followin this thread, my MIL moved in about a week ago. She was home with her mom when she passed away and couldnt bare staying there along. 

So far things are going okay, shes helpped around the house, doing little things here and there to keep her mind at ease. She continues to say that she feels like she imposing on us, which is totally not the case. 

My son keeps her on her toys, follows her all over the house, if she so much as gets outta his site, he hunts her down. I cant say I know what shes going thru, cause I dont, but I feel so sorry for her, her mom is all she had, and now shes gone, wish there was a way we could help her thru this, and show her shes not imposing. 

We have tried to make her feel at home, decorated the fire place mantel with christmas stockings, even put one up for her, but she just sits and stares off into space, like shes high or something... Im at a lost as to help her feel more at home.. I know her mom would rather see her here with her son, then in the projects on the bad side of town...any advice on how to help her feel more at home and not like shes imposing?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Amberlynn,

I am sure she is still shocked and mourning her mom's death and that's probably taking more of a toll than the move to your house. If she is doing little things around the house, just thank her for helping out so she feels less of an imposition. Probably the more she is able to do, the less she will dwell on her mom's passing.


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