# Has anyone divorced over this?



## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

Does anyone else not have a thing in common with their spouse anymore?

We've been married for 10yrs and I don't think we had much in common before, but lately it's been horribly obvious. We don't like the same tv shows, activities, books, we don't even like to talk about the same things. Honestly, there is NOTHING we have in common but our kids.

I do love him and wish it could work, but I'm starting to have serious doubts. I'm only 41 and keep thinking about the next 20-30 yrs with nothing to even talk about except our kids or what the next vacation might be.

Is it possible to keep a marriage going with this situation?? Any advice on what to do to fix the problem?


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

If you want to keep things together and try to be happy, I would suggest trying to do something about this now, either on your own or with a marriage counselor. Once there is a significant disconnect in a marriage, that can lead to disaster. I'm no expert, but I've seen it happen in my own marriage. We had a lot in common, but other things got in the way, i.e., jobs, small children, etc. That disconnect caused a world of mess, including an affair on H's part. He too kept his feelings about the disconnect to himself until it was too late. Don't do that. If you want it to work, at least try. There may be some new things you would like doing together as a couple; maybe things you don't even know about yet. I understand that you're young and it would better to fly out on your own now rather than 20 years from now. You still may find that you want to fly, but at least give your spouse a chance. Take it from a lot of people on this site - being blindsided when one spouse is convinced that divorce is the only way to go and there hasn't even been an attempt to fix what was broken is horrible.


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## Mom2DecBoyz (Dec 23, 2010)

Thanks for responding! He wouldn't be blindsided, we've talked about this several times. Over the last 5 years we've tried to find things we both like to do together but it usually ends up one of us pretending to like it so then it ends up not lasting. We have searched and searched for something in common to hold onto. We both know divorce may happen, but neither of us wants it to happen.

We just don't know what else to do and we don't want to wait till we are 60 to divorce is that is what is going to happen anyway.

I just don't know about a counselor, I mean we mostly get along fine so there isn't really anything to "fix" there. We just end up kind of lonely I guess because he watches tv in the basement or is on the computer down there and I'm upstairs watching what I like or on the computer so our evenings are usually apart.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I'm thinking about all the marriages I know that have lasted. My parents (until my father's death 8 yrs ago) had nothing in common. Other relatives, Aunties and Uncles etc... I can't find anything they have in common. And yet they last. 

The one thing they all had in common was that they loved each other. They shared joint projects together, such as building a house, raising kids, running a household. They took holidays together, just doing what they want and getting away and spending time together. Just because they didn't go rock climbing or bird watching together, or because they didn't share a passion for motorbikes or the moon, doesn't mean that there was anything that would impact their ability to stay together. Having something in common is probably overrated. When a couple love one another that much, it doesn't matter that there's no external common ground. 

My husband and I have a lot in common. We both play the piano, we share our music and teach one another about different kinds of music, opening each other's minds and tastes in different styles and artists. We love food and exploring different foods together. And where we didn't have things in common, we support one another's interests. And yet we are separated. Having stuff in common doesn't keep a marriage together. It's the ability to communicate, emote, and show concern and courtesy that keeps it all going. 

Just thoughts...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

healingme said:


> I'm thinking about all the marriages I know that have lasted. My parents (until my father's death 8 yrs ago) had nothing in common. Other relatives, Aunties and Uncles etc... I can't find anything they have in common. And yet they last.
> 
> The one thing they all had in common was that they loved each other. They shared joint projects together, such as building a house, raising kids, running a household. They took holidays together, just doing what they want and getting away and spending time together. Just because they didn't go rock climbing or bird watching together, or because they didn't share a passion for motorbikes or the moon, doesn't mean that there was anything that would impact their ability to stay together. Having something in common is probably overrated. When a couple love one another that much, it doesn't matter that there's no external common ground.
> 
> ...


Great post...we forgot the easy communication stuff...saying good morning, kissing one another as we leave for work, stopping what we were doing when the other got home, saying I love you...casual carresses here and there...all of the easy stuff that builds compassion and passion...saying thanks is the easiest thing to say and most often overlooked...I'm learning that now, maybe too late, but I am learning...if you ignore the easy stuff, you'll never handle things when it gets rough...

Beyond the kids, my wife and I don't have much in common...but it really isn't much of a sacrafice to sit down next to her and watch a TV show I really don't care for, I shouldn't be there because of the TV anyways, but because of her...

I'm learning...I hope not too late...even 50 year old farts can mature!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

healingme said:


> I'm thinking about all the marriages I know that have lasted. My parents (until my father's death 8 yrs ago) had nothing in common. Other relatives, Aunties and Uncles etc... I can't find anything they have in common. And yet they last.
> 
> The one thing they all had in common was that they loved each other. They shared joint projects together, such as building a house, raising kids, running a household. They took holidays together, just doing what they want and getting away and spending time together. Just because they didn't go rock climbing or bird watching together, or because they didn't share a passion for motorbikes or the moon, doesn't mean that there was anything that would impact their ability to stay together. Having something in common is probably overrated. When a couple love one another that much, it doesn't matter that there's no external common ground.
> 
> ...


Great ideas. Don't throw a marriage away because you are bored, like my wife did. If you still love him and want it to work, that is a huge step.


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