# my wife wants kids i do not



## in need of help (Jul 1, 2010)

we have been married for five years and decided not to have kids before we got married. now my wife has changed her mind and whats a kid and i still do not. we are happy together and have no intrest in parting ways but we have no idea what to do. my reasoning for not wanting kids is i had a rough childhood and raised my brother and sister, took care of alchoholic parents, and my family is a genetic minefield. i have had more than enough responsibilty in life and still do and i am not intrested in any more im finally at a point were i can enjoy life and i would like to do so. any input would be great.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

That's about as savvy input as you are going to get.

I second the notion of having this discussion between the two of you with a therapist. Her reasons for wanting children are valid and important to her - which means that she will marginalize your reasons which are equally valid and important. A therapist will help keep those distinctions in focus.



Hunt Brown said:


> kids are dealbreakers. it's one thing to renege on an agreement about condo vs. townhome, but kids are right up there with fidelity.
> 
> If you don't want kids and you are not going to change your mind... and you don't have to.., then you have to be upfront and honest and tell her that if she wants to have kids, if they are more important to her than your relationship, (and that's not a judgment, it's peferctly okay for her goals and needs to change over time) then she'd best go find a new spouse. Tell her you love her, and will love her, but kids weren't in the deal.
> 
> ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Unfortunately, this is one of those things that can't be compromised. The only possible outcomes are A. You warm up to the idea and decide you want kids. B. You have them because you know how much they mean to her (Which COULD work and you very well could warm up to it afterwards, but this could also go horribly wrong) C. Your wife forgoes her desire to make you happen (Same 50/50 implications as option B though) D. You both realize that you feel strongly about your stances but stay together anyway E. Same as D but you split up.

The good part is you all have a good relationship, so it's not like either of you would be wrong for choosing any of these options. It's going to take a long series of open and honest discussions. Sadly, if both of you feel super strongly about your wish (as most people do), option E is a very real outcome.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you are relying on her to provide birth control, she could change the equation without informing you.

So if you really do not ever want children, it would be best to take measures to never be a breeder--get a vasectomy.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

I agree with michzz. I don't know your wife so I won't accuse her of anything but this type of thing does happen in these situations. If not blatantly she could be more lax about birth control knowing she wants kids. Might want to use some kind of precaution.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Boy are you between a rock and a hard place. Sorry there aren't any options you haven't already figured out but maybe something will come along (here or in real life) to give you food for thought. Here's mine and again sorry it isn't what you want to hear. The fact is, you both will find love again. I know breaking up is not what you want, but if it comes down to that, you may be reasonably sure love will happen again so you needn't fear in that respect. Yes, I know you love your wife, in which case something's gotta give.

Something else to think about:
One thing is she might decide to comply with your wishes. After all, she did agree and I don't imagine she calls herself reneging but simply had a change of heart. And well, a woman's hormones are unpredictable, which is the reason I know you have heard the phrase "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind." So let's say for argument's sake that she does comply, what happens next time? I don't know her age but there are often times twice in a woman's life that she wants to have a child. One time is normally around mid-late 20s and then again in her late 30s - early 40s (or some time in her 40s) when she begins to hear her biological clock ticking. Again, this is hormones. So, it's going to happen again and perhaps more often than just twice depending on how badly she really wants a child. What will you do? Can you really bring yourself to make the hard decision?

And if you spend the rest of your married life adamant about not having children, then what if she begins to resent you? What if she is 35 or 45 or 55 years old and very much resents you for not giving in? Are you willing to handle resentment building up in your wife over the next 5, 10, 20 years? Resentment causes a slew of problems you cannot imagine, and you also don't imagine where the problems are coming from. You won't be able to look back and pinpoint the reasons you are on the verge of divorce at that point in time.

Test yourself to see just how much you love your wife. It's okay if you discover you don't love her enough to give in to baby. It's just a matter of whether you can make the hard decision to let her go. The question is where will you go? Like I said, finding love again likely won't be difficult, but there is the probability that you are less likely to find another woman who never wants children. You will begin to see the pressure of having to give in even though you did not give in to your wife, not even to compromise on just one child.

Moreover, the older you are, the less likely you will find a woman who doesn't already have a child or two. Does not seem fair, does it, that you give up a woman you love so as not to have the responsibility of kids only to end up helping to take care of someone else's kids?

Wow, you really have a lot to think about. And yes, I know I applied a little pressure in favor of your wife. These are your future paths as I realistically see them. But who knows, this just might be a passing thing for wifey and will all be over with this time next week. Don't you just wish?


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## in need of help (Jul 1, 2010)

we have talked about all of the things mentioned above and still are up against a wall with her being 25 this thought probably will come back alot because she has kept it to herself for somtime and also said she does not think it is going away. i also know there are good times with kids but just cant say yes. 

you just gotta love all the crap life throws at ya


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Well,my take is a little different here.I'd say give both of yourselves a fair chance and speak out why having a kid/not having a kid is imp.
I know that you have spoken about not having kids earlier and she agreed do. But,in my opinion, marriage is about facing situations together and many times life throws situations like this where you have already spoken about it. However, life moves on and priorities change. We cannot stick to what we had said earlier. Atleast,she is not cheating you(I hope so) and is just talking this with you to have kids. I think one of you should give in. And,who said you cannot enjoy life with kids? It sure is more responsibilty but definitely enjoyable.


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## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

About the resentment thing, sure your wife might resent you for not giving her kids, but would you resent her for making you have them? just a thought.

Anyway, you guys seem pretty switched on, could you help me?
My wife is 38 and I am 27. She wants kids and needs to have them fairly sharpish. Im freaking and wanna wait. For like 5 years. Not an option I think. What do I do? the way I see it, i have 3 options. 1 Have kids anyway. 2 leave her (i dont really wanna do that and also if i do, in the long run i'd be fine but i wud have ruined her life and she would never have kids) 3. Just refuse to have them and hope we stay together. and she will most likely hate me for it

dont like these options really. Any advice?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Kids are a very big deal. The decision to have them or not have them definitely needs to be mutual. I think the first thing you two need to do is sit down and discuss your reasons (both yours and hers) for wanting/not wanting them. Find out her reasons for the change of heart. Find out how soon she wants to start having them, IF that was what you were to do. If she wants to wait a couple of years, that gives you a little time to think and review your decision and determine if you still feel the same. 

If you are absolutely adamant that you do not want kids, and she is just as adamant that she does want them, then honestly, the best and only thing to do here is to end the marriage, so you can each find someone with whom you share the same idea on kids. For you to have a child that you don't really want could lead to you discovering you do in fact want kids, but it could also just as easily lead to you realizing that your feelings were right and you don't want them, and aside from being unfair to you and your wife, it's also unfair to the child..the child that didn't ask to be there. And for her to give up the idea of having a child will likely lead to her resenting you. 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids; there is nothing wrong with wanting kids. It's a matter of choice. I chose to have kids; I have an uncle who chose otherwise. Some people make their choice, either way, and later regret it. Some make their choice and are quite happy with it. You two have to decide what your choices are and then figure out if they match or not.


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