# Unsure if I have legitimate reasons for considering separation...



## Molynbar71 (Aug 5, 2016)

Hi. First time posting, have a lot to say, but will try to keep it short and simple. 
First, we've been married 19 years, 2 kids-13yo girl and 7yo boy. Things were pretty good until the last few years. We've lived on an acreage the past 17 years. It was overgrown and abandoned, we've come a long way in cleaning it up, but there's so much more to do. I can't seem to get hubby motivated to continue and finish things up. Here's a partial list:
*Finish replacing or fixing the existing fencing to make it safe for the horses
*Removing old implements from pastures, to lessen the chances of huge vet bills
*Figure out a weed control plan and actually following through with it
*Finish certain yard areas with junk removal, then landscaping it. (I'd do it myself, but we're talking large rocks, old engine blocks, and years of junk partially buried underground)
*Cleaning up fallen and cut trees. (Again, I've tried to do what I can, but there's a lot of it and I'm onlying one person)
*Put a retaining wall around the above ground pool (it's spot is in a hillside). This project was started 3 years ago. All that has been done is holes dug for the posts. Not once, but at least THREE times due to runoff filling them back up with dirt.
*Three years ago, a bad ice storm ended up breaking off one of the deck stair rails. Still not replaced.
*Same ice storm and above mentioned deck damage caused the string of deck lights to stop working in certain spots. He tells me he's not sure where to start looking for those to be fixed.

I know there's more, but this is what I can think of at the moment. I have brought up these issues-nicely-on different occasions. Not nagging, just casually mentioning every few months or so. I get excuses....I'm too tired, I need help, I don't know where to start, we don't have the money, or he just plain doesn't feel like it. 

He works full time, I work part time, plus I'm the one to do all the housework, bill paying, grocery shopping, appointment scheduling and anything to do with making sure the kids get to where they need to be and their needs are met. We live 15 miles from the nearest large town, so it's not like thelse things can be done just by walking down the street or driving a couple miles.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired of things not getting done, him relying on me to do everything, spending money on his hobbies (which are sitting around collecting dust) when some of it could be used to finish some of these projects, the fact that he prefers staying home to, well, doing anything, including going to the kids activities. He is a difficult person to talk to about any of this, and he goes to the extreme with his solutions. I'm already in therapy, and have asked him several times to go for himself, but he doesn't seem to think he needs to. I feel like I'm stuck living this way...frustrated, irritated, bored and isolated. I have no idea what to do.

Sorry, this ended up way too long....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I was going to ask, "Who's idea was the acreage?" But it really doesn't matter at this point. Having a property like you describe is a ton of work. Doesn't seem like you and your hubby are the type to do what it takes. I know a couple where the wife learned to drive a bobcat and she did all the landscaping work as the husband was working full time. Some guys love doing that type of stuff. 

Answer is to sell the property and move to a place that is much less work. Doesn't sound like your marriage will survive the stress it is causing.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Molynbar71 said:


> Hi. First time posting, have a lot to say, but will try to keep it short and simple.
> First, we've been married 19 years, 2 kids-13yo girl and 7yo boy. Things were pretty good until the last few years. We've lived on an acreage the past 17 years. Who's idea was it to buy the acreage? It was overgrown and abandoned, we've come a long way in cleaning it up, but there's so much more to do. I can't seem to get hubby motivated to continue and finish things up. Here's a partial list:
> *Finish replacing or fixing the existing fencing to make it safe for the horses Who's horses are they?
> *Removing old implements from pastures, to lessen the chances of huge vet bills
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems you need a repair man, not to separate from your husband. Living out in the country in a lot of hard work and sometimes it's really not worth it. Maybe consider moving closer to town so you can be closer to kid activities and have less land to care for. Who's the one who wants the horses? I know they are alot of work and require lot of care something not too many families can give them.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the marriage? Having regular, good sex? Sounds to me you're there just for the kids and the things (house, etc). Do you love your husband? Maybe you need marriage counselling?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My opinion is anything that drives you to the point of considering separation or divorce is legitimate. 

Sounds to me like you are going to need to hire help if you want anything done around your property if you cant do it yourself. Your husband has zero interest in the property and in helping you. The assumption should have been that when you acquire property like this, that you will be putting in the work to maintain it, not sure why he didn't get this. You need to get to the bottom of why he refuses to do his part. This is not a partnership like this. The threat of separation might shake him up to the point that he finally pays attention to what is happening here. 

How is your marriage in other aspects?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Molynbar71 said:


> Hi. First time posting, have a lot to say, but will try to keep it short and simple.
> First, we've been married 19 years, 2 kids-13yo girl and 7yo boy. Things were pretty good until the last few years. We've lived on an acreage the past 17 years. It was overgrown and abandoned, we've come a long way in cleaning it up, but there's so much more to do. I can't seem to get hubby motivated to continue and finish things up. Here's a partial list:
> *Finish replacing or fixing the existing fencing to make it safe for the horses
> *Removing old implements from pastures, to lessen the chances of huge vet bills
> ...


One thing I missed - are you expecting all this to be done by his hands, back and muscles? Or is his role to find and hire paid labor to help?

That list is HUGE. A guy with a full-time job might get it done in 5 years. A guy with a full-time job who wants to be a devoted husband and father could not get it done.

I have acreage, too....

If you really want to transform acreage, you must embrace the job for what it is - full time. What can be sacrificed to get this done? Your choices:

* His full time job
* His attention to you and children
* Some of your bank account

I would choose #3, personally.

Do you actually have horses? That's another full time job, what got sacrificed to have them?

==

The way I did it:
* After months of realizing that any place I liked, wife didn't I finally gave in and said "yes" to one of the places she liked that had acreage. Not as much as I wanted.
* Listed what I wanted to do on the acreage - a lot less than what you listed. Expected to take 2-3 years, not sacrificing every weekend to it, but maybe 1 in 4
* Wife began a mild interior remodel that she was incapable of finishing, and was adamant that we could not afford contractors, despite having gotten no quotes.
* While I worked full time, I did just enough to the outdoors to keep things from falling apart and slugglishly worked through her remodel projects...while she created more.
* I quit work before retirement age, spent one year finishing her unfinished projects and am finally getting to work on the acreage project, figuring it will be another 3 years, since they actually degraded over ten. I'm doing the hazardous parts of most of them, then hiring crews to do final land clearing.

So, it's not like I did it right...


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

so if you pay the bills, can you afford to get this done or is he correct?

if he is correct then it's probably too much (i have a desk job but i'm away from the house for 60 hours a week. i really don't want to spend another 20 working on my house).

if he is wrong and you CAN afford it, pay someone to do it.


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## Molynbar71 (Aug 5, 2016)

OK, hopefully I can answer all the questions and not miss any.

The acreage has been in his family for over 80 years, it was given to us by his dad. We knew what we were getting into, to get it cleaned up. But it's been 17 years. He has 3 or 4 projects started, but nothing gets finished. I've mentioned finishing one before starting another, but that's as far as that's gotten. As far as selling the place and moving closer to a larger town, I'd have better luck convincing him to be an astronaut.

The horses are mine. He's a factory worker and I clean houses and a couple local businesses.

He's spent money on rc helicopters, rc trucks, and old Sears garden tractors. None of which he's messed with for years...to be fair, he uses his bonus money he gets yearly from his job, which is fine, but when it comes down to spending money on fun or spending money on things that need to be fixed, I think the necessity should be first consideration, but maybe my thinking on that is wrong? I don't know. 

There is no money to hire someone, and even if there was, I'd be the one to find them and arrange it. He's a loner and a homebody, with no friends he'd want to ask for help.

I'm in therapy for anxiety and depression. The issues with my husband magnify these things greatly.

I love him, and we get along OK, but I'm just not content anymore, with what's become the norm for us. He's OK with it, but I'm not any longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is it possible to schedule 'work dates'? Define something do-able in one weekend... like maybe the retaining wall. and then make a bit of a party out of it. 

I have about 3/4 of an acre that I'm doing most of the work to get it back into shape. But I need help with some things. That's what I've been doing to get things done that I cannot do by myself. 

I could also start on the projects nearest the house because that improves things for the family and then move out in a circle over time.

It's a lot of work and your husband does not seem motivated. He clearly does not get the feel-goods from doing that kind of work.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hope you don't mind me asking but it may clarify the situation further. Why do you have anxiety and depression? It this caused from the marriage or something else? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Molynbar71 said:


> Hi. First time posting, have a lot to say, but will try to keep it short and simple.
> First, we've been married 19 years, 2 kids-13yo girl and 7yo boy. Things were pretty good until the last few years. We've lived on an acreage the past 17 years. It was overgrown and abandoned, we've come a long way in cleaning it up, but there's so much more to do. I can't seem to get hubby motivated to continue and finish things up. Here's a partial list:
> *Finish replacing or fixing the existing fencing to make it safe for the horses
> *Removing old implements from pastures, to lessen the chances of huge vet bills
> ...



Perhaps you're not paying your slave enough to motivate him...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

DustyDog said:


> The way I did it:
> * After months of realizing that any place I liked, wife didn't I finally gave in and said "yes" to one of the places she liked that had acreage. Not as much as I wanted.
> * Listed what I wanted to do on the acreage - a lot less than what you listed. Expected to take 2-3 years, not sacrificing every weekend to it, but maybe 1 in 4
> * Wife began a mild interior remodel that she was incapable of finishing, and was adamant that we could not afford contractors, despite having gotten no quotes.
> ...


My ex-partner always wanted some horses and some land. She'd go visit people with horses when I first was going out with her, she rebuild their sheds, clean drains/ditches, curry and work their horses.

Many years later you'd still be going out to visit people with those kinds of lifestyle blocks and tell me how wonderful they were doing and all the latest upgrades, buildings, horses, trips those people had been on.....

I was working 10-17 hrs, 7 days a week. One of my business concerns was 80 hectare of farmland that I was making work barely.

She refused to get work when our first child arrived saying she wanted to stay home and be a parent. then later when the business took me further a field she got a paying tenant, then later a part time job (4 hours a week). Didn't visit me much, said she'd help with some of the farm stuff at tight times, and act the princess the whole time, trying to order people around and give directions, not actually helping - unlike with her friends stuff.

And she was still happy to help friends - renovate houses, help move animals, clear effluent lines from yards. Just never our own. And always for free.

And her friends were both on good solid jobs in well paying industries.

she was happy with my working the 10-17 hrs, 7 days "because that was my choices" (to help support family and build future/retirement). And couldn't understand why I would get upset about her hanging out and having fun with her friends, and why I always seemed angry after telling me about her visits and their holidays ( I did 6 years without any leave, not even statutories like New Year or Christmas, as I was the cover person). She eventually increased her job from 4 hours a week to about 16hrs, as she was having to pay for operating the car my parents gave her.
She didn't want me to pay for car expenses "as that would make her feel obligated" towards me, or that I might feel that she should be.

But yeah, as you said. That's a huge amount of work with _zero_ satisfaction or repayment ... why on earth would he want to do it?

Many people dream of the super size garden (Louis the Sun King?) but have no concept of the work, or as my ex-partner's friends, the amount of money they spend on it. (goes double for "part time and volunteer type workers who enough the little coin they bother making)


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Perhaps you're not paying your slave enough to motivate him...


Please.

She works part time AND does all the housecleaning AND all the child rearing while he comes home from work and does NOTHING but sit on his dead ass and cry that he can't do any of the jobs outside.

Maybe science can create a 28 hour day so the OP can do all HER work in the first 24 hours then pick up HIS slack with the extra 4.

"Slave" my ass.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Please.
> 
> She works part time AND does all the housecleaning AND all the child rearing while he comes home from work and does NOTHING but sit on his dead ass and cry that he can't do any of the jobs outside.


But what she didn't say is whose jobs they are. Who had the desire for the land and horses? If he was the primary driver, then yes, this is his stuff. If, on the other hand, all he wanted was a place to raise a family and not the added burden, but she was the one who wanted the land...that's different.

Child-rearing...wow. Glad I did it in my 20s...lotta work, particularly searching your soul for the right way to do it. Could not imagine having the stamina now.

Never understood why folks would intentionally make housework difficult/extensive, though. I can clean the whole house in two hours because I set it up that way. Add 45 minute to prepare a week's worth of dinners.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Is it possible to schedule 'work dates'? Define something do-able in one weekend... like maybe the retaining wall. and then make a bit of a party out of it.
> 
> I have about 3/4 of an acre that I'm doing most of the work to get it back into shape. But I need help with some things. That's what I've been doing to get things done that I cannot do by myself.
> 
> ...


Ele, what about motivational factors related to how they came to own this much property and animals?

I fully embrace the fact that we have acreage to support my business objectives. So, maintaining it is all my work. 

Your 3/4 acre - a joint choice by you and your partner? Or was one of you more emotionally invested?

My desire for the land was to do open-field testing of products I design. I don't need gorgeous gardens, so my "plan" is relatively simple. Get it close to self-maintaining by using indigenous plants. No irrigation allowed.


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## Molynbar71 (Aug 5, 2016)

OK. I'm sorry I asked. As I explained before, the acreage was given to us by HIS dad. All those things I listed are what HE WANTED to get accomplished. Again, he starts things and doesn't finish them, or doesn't fix what needs repair as long as we can get by without it. I'm not asking for fancy landscaping, just to finish what HE started.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Molynbar71 said:


> OK, hopefully I can answer all the questions and not miss any.
> 
> The acreage has been in his family for over 80 years, it was given to us by his dad. We knew what we were getting into, to get it cleaned up. But it's been 17 years. He has 3 or 4 projects started, but nothing gets finished. I've mentioned finishing one before starting another, but that's as far as that's gotten. As far as selling the place and moving closer to a larger town, I'd have better luck convincing him to be an astronaut.
> 
> ...


If he's a loner and a homebody, and the type of guy that never seems to finish anything, those are personality traits that many other people have as well. I'm not saying he deserves a trophy for them, but that's him. Is this totally different than who he was when you dated and married him?

You say you have anxiety and depression and those things magnify it, which makes me believe they weren't necessarily the trigger. It could be that your depression and anxiety magnify those situations; in other words, his behaviors may seem a bigger deal to you than if you were not depressed. I wouldn't make any big decisions while in a depressed state; I don't think a separation or divorce would cure your depression.

How long have you had the depression? You say you have had the land for 17 years. How long did it take for this to become an issue for you?

Are these things really killing your love for him?

It probably sounds like I'm trying to convince you to not separate. I'm really not, but I just wanted to give you some things to consider.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Molynbar71 said:


> OK. I'm sorry I asked. As I explained before, the acreage was given to us by HIS dad. All those things I listed are what HE WANTED to get accomplished. Again, he starts things and doesn't finish them, or doesn't fix what needs repair as long as we can get by without it. I'm not asking for fancy landscaping, just to finish what HE started.


I don't think anyone on here is attacking you. Though as is usually the case, people give responses based on their own life experiences. Just ignore the responses that do not apply to your situation. Or you could reply to those posts, giving more info and thus educate those who are reading about the details of your situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> Ele, what about motivational factors related to how they came to own this much property and animals?.


Keep in mind that according to the OP, it was her husband who wanted the land. It was his family who gifted the land to him. This land is his baby... apparently a baby that he really did not want.

My own motivation does not matter on this thread. This is about the OP.



DustyDog said:


> I fully embrace the fact that we have acreage to support my business objectives. So, maintaining it is all my work.
> 
> Your 3/4 acre - a joint choice by you and your partner? Or was one of you more emotionally invested
> 
> ...


From what the OP has stated, it sounds like most of the land is near unusable and maybe even a bit dangerous with weeds, overgrowth and trash such as car parts spewed on it. 

I think her motivation is to have it cleaned up so that her kids can be safe and it's not a trash heap. That's a pretty reasonable desire.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Molynbar71,

I think that you have very reasonable concerns. It sounds like the idea of having a bit of land sounds good to your husband. He just does not want to do what is needed to maintain the property.

Is he aware that you are as unhappy about this as you are? Have you told him that you are seriously considering leaving him over it?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I must be different than the rest of TAM posters, I don't see any of the projects you listed as being a big deal, singularly or collectively. Most people psych themselves out of a little work thinking it's so over whelming that they don't even start, and OP I wont pull any punches here but you don't sound much different than your husband. If you want something done then do it, claiming to not have the time is BS, make the time. 

A string of lights? Seriously? That's an over whelming project? A stair railing? I see an hours worth of work to fix both. Clearing a pasture? I assume you have a tractor? Put the kids in a play pen in the shade and go to it, it will never get done just staring at it. How about calling a scrap dealer? They will haul it away and maybe pay you some cash. 

You two got the property for free, there's no vested interest in the place that motivates you to get/keep it nice. Sell the place because neither of you wants to put the sweat into it that's necessary, buy a bungalow in town. 

Maybe your husband is lazy, if you hate that than divorce him. In my opinion having property seems to much for either of you, if you're not resourceful and have a "get it done" attitude every day will be a struggle.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that according to the OP, it was her husband who wanted the land. It was his family who gifted the land to him. This land is his baby... apparently a baby that he really did not want.


OK, that explains things. I had not seen that in the OP.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Molynbar71 said:


> OK. I'm sorry I asked. As I explained before, the acreage was given to us by HIS dad. All those things I listed are what HE WANTED to get accomplished. Again, he starts things and doesn't finish them, or doesn't fix what needs repair as long as we can get by without it. I'm not asking for fancy landscaping, just to finish what HE started.


Does your husband know you are conisdering a divorce? Do not blind side him. Tell him you want to go to marriage counseling to see if the two of you can save the marriaage. Do not offer to to "talk" about it again.

Give him the option of counseling or divorce and stick to it. No backsliding either.

It sounds like he has inherited his families habits since the place is staying like they left it.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> Does your husband know you are conisdering a divorce? Do not blind side him. Tell him you want to go to marriage counseling to see if the two of you can save the marriaage. Do not offer to to "talk" about it again.
> 
> Give him the option of counseling or divorce and stick to it. No backsliding either.
> 
> It sounds like he has inherited his families habits since the place is staying like they left it.


Might be worth it to ask why he's attached to the land. Do his interests really go this direction, or does he feel some compelling reason because of family history? I've known far too many people who lead lives that they figured they were destined for due to family patterns...and were miserable in them.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Instead of giving thousands of dollars to a divorce attorney to break up your family, spend that money on fixing up your place. He isn't going to do it. Some men aren't handy around the house or yard. My husband isn't and admits it so we hired people to make repairs around our house. You are in charge of the finances so when you two are paid take some money and put it away for repairs. It sounds like you both made a mistake in buying this place, maybe you should move to a house without so much land to take care of.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP I just saw where you have had this land for 17 years. I know you are frustrated but honestly after 17 years why would you think things are going to change? If your husband hasn't had the gumption to fix the place up by now it isn't going to happen. Thinking it will change just sets you up for disappointment.

What has brought all this to a head now? Your thread title sounds like you want to separate but are looking for validation of your reasons. It's great to have a list of concrete reasons to end a marriage but the truth is being unhappy is as good a reason as any. It should be enough to say I am so miserably unhappy I need to make a change, just make sure your husband/marriage is the cause of your unhappiness before you end it.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> My opinion is anything that drives you to the point of considering separation or divorce is legitimate.





SadSamIAm said:


> Answer is to sell the property and move to a place that is much less work. Doesn't sound like your marriage will survive the stress it is causing.


Agree. If you can't afford to hire help to keep up the property, it's time to downsize.

There is a recent post in another thread from a mod called MEM who posted he wished he and his ex had sold their business since he believes the stress from that experience contributed to their marriage problems.

Depends what is most important to you both. Personally, I would always choose family over material things, but not everyone feels this way.

Good luck.


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