# compulsive lying



## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

I have come to the conclusion that my partner loves me but he is a compulsive liar. He is the perfect partner anyone could ever ask for but when it comes to lying that is his ONLY flaw I have noticed. One lie will turn into another. then he will apologize and convince me he will never do it again. and this repeats , he will get better for awhile then do it again. Im looking for a perminant solution. Getting angry and upset does no good. I need a way to make him want to stop lying. Maybe its just easier for him to lie. I don't do anything that would provoke him to lie...
He is to stubborn for therapy.
Will someone please give me some useful advice, maybe something unusual that i may not of heard before.
anything would help


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heatherlindsay said:


> He is the perfect partner anyone could ever ask for but when it comes to lying that is his ONLY flaw I have noticed. One lie will turn into another. then he will apologize and convince me he will never do it again. and this repeats , he will get better for awhile then do it again. Im looking for a perminant solution.


Listen closely, there is NO pernament solution, this "only flaw" is the Mt Everest of every bad thing that destroys relationships. A compulsive Liar needs to be left alone with zero friends & lovers so he can wise up & see that he is only hurting himself, people need to loose all respect for such as these. Do not stay with this man, if you are NOT a liar yourself, you deserve better.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

re: He is to stubborn for therapy.
... Unless you intend to just live with this horrible behavior you have to get him into some kind of therapy. 
Maybe he doesn't like the therapeutic systems he's seen so perhaps he might want to try some kind of 12 step anonymous group or support group such as these: liars anonymous - Google Search
... Unless he gets some help with this behavior you (not him) are stuck........it's your life!
good luck


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

It's a tough one. I can't see any good coming of that habit. The problem is, everything else is ok. It's maybe a squeaky wheel gets the oil kind of thing - just push him into therapy, and keep pushing - and don't take no for an answer. (easier said then done, I know)


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Obviously these aren't little white lies like him saying he hates chicken after telling you he loved your lemon pepper chicken last week.



heatherlindsay said:


> One lie will turn into another. then he will apologize and convince me he will never do it again. and this repeats , he will get better for awhile then do it again.



Many compulsive liars believe their lies to be complete truth, so him admitting them and apologizing is actually a good sign as far as the depth of the problem goes.

My question to you is this, if they aren't little white lies, what are they? 

Lastly are there ever any embarassing lies like he'll tell someone something in your presence that you know not to be true?


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

i dont know if you could consider them white lies for example, last week he told me he went straight to work and he didnt bother going home to cook dinner because i asked him if he ate. but he went to his guy friends before work and didnt tell me because he was smoking, and thought i would get mad. I got mad because he told me he went straight to work and lied about it not because of the smoking, that hes recently been doing. hes never lied about anything serious. but to me lying itself is serious..
it could grow into bigger lies . right now its just growing into more mini lies...and sometimes he will tell me something and he will tell me the story he wants me to hear not the actual story, he will choose what to leave out. I am very understandable and never over react on anything only lying in which i seriously over react because im getting fed up. Right now i could say that I would compare his mentality to a 10 year old boy that lies to his mom sometimes about stupid things like telling her he wore his hood outside in the rain when he took it off after he got around the corner. I dont even act like his mom thats the confusing part. and i dont know how to get him to take me seriously when i tell him he needs to stop.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

This really doesn't sound like compulsive lying to me.

It sounds like either he is in a different mindset than you; where the details are the least of his worries, and to you if every detail to you doesn't add up you need answers to explain them.

or

Your analogy was correct, he's hiding from you like a child afraid the choices he makes are gonna disappoint/upset you.

Compulsive lying needs to be treated for sure, I'm just not so sure that's what this sounds like. The first sign of that to me is that he seems really bad at lying.

Try and think of this as a general marriage issue:



heatherlindsay said:


> and i dont know how to get him to take me seriously when i tell him he needs to stop.


What other areas in your marriage where you've had a problem has he taken you seriously in and was it resolved and was it resolved with positive reinforcement or consequenses or...?

I know it's upsetting to you but try not to take this any more seriously than a normal infraction and it may be easier for you to deal with and nip in the bud.



heatherlindsay said:


> Getting angry and upset does no good. I need a way to make him want to stop lying.


You can't really 'make' a grown man do anything. Does getting angry and upset get him to take the trash out? If so then you guys need better communication lines and he very well could be afraid of telling you things which is leading to the lying.


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Your post made me wonder...what was his upbringing like? 

Were his parents alcoholics or he did he grow up in an abusive environment?

If so you can read about it online, google "adult children of alcoholics". Kids from those environments "learned" to lie, and it becomes somewhat second nature. Usually the lies are almost knee jerk reactions. 

Just a thought! Good luck, Kes


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

compulsive lying = deal breaker

You can't fix what's broken, don't even try 

this is one diamond in the rough that you need to leave in the pile

Move ON


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## penumbra79 (Nov 28, 2010)

This is interesting to me because I feel like I am dealing with that with my husband. We are way more open with each other than a lot of spouses, can tell each other any dark secrets, but still I find him keeping things from me and outright lying when he's asked about something.

You say he is too stubborn for therapy, but he needs -something-. Try having a deep conversation with him about why he feels the need to lie, and what it would take to help him stop since he obviously can't do it on his own. Do it in such a way that he knows you are not judging him, that you just want to help him 'recover' from this potentially dangerous habit. Because, honestly, if you can't trust him implicitly, your marriage may be in trouble.


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