# Single Guy Stuck in Affair with Married Woman



## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives. 

I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met. 

Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever).

I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is cake eating.. keeping the two of you on a string. It's a very gratifying thing... to have two people loving you and fight for you. Lucky her. And she can keep this game up for a very long time until one of you takes your game pieces and leaves.

She’s a child therapist and you don’t’ understand why she is not ready to grieve her marriage? Well she does not have to. You are not going anywhere. Her husband is not going anywhere.

By the way, most cheaters tell their affair partner that their spouse is controlling. Now why does a child therapist allow her husband to control her for years? Either it did not happen or she’s really messed up in head. 

You are the transition relationship... the guy that boosts her ego... the guy she gets to rub in her cheating husband's face. How much fun is it to be that guy? 

How do you love someone who is using you this way? Do you know that only about 3% of affairs last once the cheater leaves their spouse? She will dump you either when she’s done punishing her husband and gets back with him 100% or when she’s ready to grieve her marriage and move on.

If she will cheat on her husband with you, she will cheat on you. Are you willing to take the chance on a relationship that as less than a 3% chance of making it?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's a grown up. She's telling you clearly she's not "ready" to leave her husband so she asks you to go underground.
She's a cake eater and using you to punish him.
She's not different than him, really.

Just get away.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You and I should meet so we can talk in person.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am sorry you were sucked in by the lie that her husband and her were "separating" 

Walk away man. There are children in this and you are making it impossible for them to talk. 

You are here asking for help. 
It is a tough board to do that on. I respect you for it.

You know what you have to do already. You have to be the man and walk away. You know this. 

JUST DO IT. 
It must be total no contact and you must be absolute. 

You are being used. She is using you to get back at her husband and keeping you dangling. Cake eating.

Doesn't matter. You have to walk. Be the man that you should be.

Good luck. The heartbreak will be hard but the longer this goes on the worse it will be.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives.
> 
> I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met.
> 
> ...


Cheating is wrong. Do you believe in right and wrong?

If you both are truly soulmates, then you both will end the affair and let her divorce and end her marriage and her life with her husband before she starts a new life with you.

This poor woman is under the utter and complete control of her husband? She is unable to leave him? Yet he cannot control her having an affair with you? Warning, warning, danger Will Robinson, this does not compute. If she is strong enough to have an affair, she is strong enough to leave her husband. If she wants to. If she is still with her husband, that means she does not want to leave him.

You don't have to walk away from her. Stay where you are. Let her divorce her husband and come to you.

Her life with you is a fantasy. You give her all the attention one gets in a new romance. You go to romantic dinners. You gaze deeply into each other's eyes and tell each other how you were made for one another, how you will be together forever someday, in a land where there are no problems with kids, no dirty laundry, no dirty bathrooms to clean. Your love with her is so clean and pure, not the impure love she now suffers with her husband, the evil man who tricked her into marrying her just so he can control her and make her unhappy, which he undoubtedly feels is his only joy on this earth.

Is this the kind of opinion you were looking for?

It looks like she met you, sold you a bill of goods about who she was, then pulled the old bait and switch. She was able to hide her crazy for awhile. Now you are trying to find out which is the real her, and making inane posts like these two pearls:

_Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever)._

_Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well"._

Those two gems make you look like you are in a love-induced stupor. Those are like the kind of things you hear in a hokey movie. Come back to real life. Her husband is not keeping her prisoner. She can leave him if she wants to. Cheating is wrong no matter how you look at it. Maybe you thought you were in a "true open loving relationship" but it doesn't seem she was.

So tell her that you are not a cheater, you don't want to sneak around, and you don't want a woman who is married to someone else. In the process, take a step back and look at this from the persepective of you reading someone else who has posted this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, Sid...now you know the truth so it's time for you to get un-stuck in with the married chick and go find someone who's single.

By the way, you're not really stuck. Right?


EDIT: Oh, and as for her husband "making her life impossible"...well, it's what most betrayed spouses do when they find out their wives are banging other guys. Don't dilute your thinking there. He's got every right if they're working to reconcile to have 100% transparency from his wife. Which she obviously isn't giving him if you're still in contact with her.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife cheated and left me and split our family up. She doesn't understand the emotional impact on me or our oldest child. 

Look, maybe he is controlling. Maybe not. My wife said the same thing about me and it was a bunch of BS. I was "controlling" because I wanted to spend time with her and balance our schedule with the kids. She told the OM all this stuff about me so he wouldn't feel bad. Believe half of what she tells you. 

The sad thing is that no matter what we tell you, you probably won't break contact with her. But just know where this is headed: a lot of heartache for a lot of people.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your the OM in an affair with a married mom.

It's one thing to be on the path to D and having an in home separation and openly dating others, it not good but atkeast it's honest, but you are now nothing but another cheatering OM in an affair with a liar.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point.


So she told her husband she wanted to give up the affair and work on the marriage? Or just wanted to stay married while she had an affair? How would you expect her husband to act, in either situation?

Imagine you are married to this woman and you find out she has cheated on you. You decide to work it out for the sake of the kids. You find out she still is hiding contact with other man. Is it possible that you may react in the same way as her husband, wanting to know her whereabouts, looking at cell phone bills, and asking her to end the affair?

Or would you just say, "ok, let me know when you are ready to grieve our marriage, until then, carry on your affair with other man, I will just keep the status quo until you decide you are ready to finally divorce me."?

How would you react if you were in her husband's position?

I think your problem should be with the person who is committing adultery with you, not her husband.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you see a train wreck heading towards you and you have time to get out of the way. Are you going to stand there and wait for it to hit you? Or are you going to run as fast as you can to get away from it?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If she will cheat on her husband with you, she will cheat on you.


Exactly.I don't see how people don't get this.I went through with my sister who was in an affair with a married man and just knew he would divorce his wife and marry her....Why don't people get that the married person is cheating?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Stuck? You're not legally tied to this woman, don't have kids with her, how exactly are you stuck?

Whatever good faith you entered this relationship in is long gone. I'm not much for ultimatums, but this is a good time for one. Either she follows through on the divorce or you are through with her. Period. 

There's not too many black and white situations in life but this is one. Your banging another man's wife. Do you really want to be THAT guy?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

ing said:


> You are being used. She is using you to get back at her husband and keeping you dangling. Cake eating.
> 
> Doesn't matter. You have to walk. Be the man that you should be.
> 
> Good luck. The heartbreak will be hard but the longer this goes on the worse it will be.


:iagree:

this is a losing situation for you, she is manipulating both of you and using you as a tool to get revenge on her H


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives.
> 
> I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met.
> 
> ...


And you seriously ate all the bullsh!t she fed you?
People will paint their spouses to be pedophiles if it means they can have a few orgasms.

You're fooling yourself if you think that this started as an open and loving relationship. Cake eating that's how it started. You won't ever walk away unless you have enough self respect to do so.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> There's not too many black and white situations in life but this is one. Your banging another man's wife. Do you really want to be THAT guy?


:iagree:


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Everyone thanks for advice...zookeeper I think you are right about ultimatum....just a hard place to reach. Although all the pessimists seem to think that it will be all for naught.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Everyone thanks for advice...zookeeper I think you are right about ultimatum....just a hard place to reach. Although all the pessimists seem to think that it will be all for naught.


I would tend to agree with them. My bet is she will try to string you along with vague promises. That doesn't change what you must do. You are always better off with the truth even though it may hurt.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

You're "STUCK?" Are you a 4 year old? 

C'mon man, you know what you need to do here.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Is this really a woman you'd like to begin a healthy relationship with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> ......She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist.
> 
> ......Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. ........*Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. *Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever).
> 
> I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".


She sure is full of drama. And you believe this nonsense? Maybe she has been watching too many of those "lifetime movies" It's all about the "drama", don't you see that? It's not real. It only becomes real when she divorces her husband and becomes single again and no longer needs to tell you emotional "stories" to keep you interested.


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.


Getting all wound up for the 3% option shows just how foggy you are. You need to walk away from this mans wife, or if you want to know where you really stand grow a pair and go public with the A. Watch how fast your 3 becomes a 0.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She is cake eating.. keeping the two of you on a string. It's a very gratifying thing... to have two people loving you and fight for you. Lucky her. And she can keep this game up for a very long time until one of you takes your game pieces and leaves.
> 
> She’s a child therapist and you don’t’ understand why she is not ready to grieve her marriage? Well she does not have to. You are not going anywhere. Her husband is not going anywhere.
> 
> ...


Not necessarily. Her husband is a serial cheater, yet demands her fidelity?  

In my opinion, her husband is the cake eater. And he has worked out which strings to pull to make his wife dance like a puppet.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Getting all wound up for the 3% option shows just how foggy you are. You need to walk away from this mans wife, or if you want to know where you really stand grow a pair and go public with the A. Watch how fast your 3 becomes a 0.


You know this won't end well and how would you feel if you were her husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> You know this won't end well and how would you feel if you were her husband.


Maybe her husband should be thinking:


> "Well knock me down with a feather! There *were* consequences to me being a serial cheater! Who knew?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Save yourself the headache and drama. 
What she's doing to her husband now with you - will always be in the back of your mind.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe her husband should be thinking:


Forgot about him they are both messed up thanks Matt, I guess they should just have an open marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Forgot about him they are both messed up thanks Matt, I guess they should just have an open marriage.


Not at all. But he would not be the first serial cheater who realises, too late, that dynamiting your marriage might not be a good idea.

And guess what? By continually cheating on his wife he removed the door of the marriage, then complains when there's a nasty draught blowing through the house.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You are not young, you know the deal. You are caught in a trap of making something wrong, right...It's a life lesson you must learn...Letting go of what's not good for you. Drop her like a hot potato. Getting someone else's seconds should not be an exception nor rule. You create and dictate the structures of your own life. You are playing by someone else's rules, making yourself a left over. You are wasting your own time and want to believe it's worth it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Sdawg---lets say you and her do end up---somewhere down the line---you are overlooking one very large factor---her H/maybe XH-----from what it sounds like, even if she ended up with you---he will make your life miserable, and I some how think, he will not quietly go away---you will have to deal with him, every day you are with her----DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT AS YOUR FUTURE??????


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

your mid-stream into some valuable life lessons. Actually, all of you are. This women, her husband, her children... 

Hard to say exactly what it is that _you will learn_ but have no doubt it will help define what you will become. Actually _your choice_ to continue being the 'other man' will redefine who she is, her husband is, and it will also help define what her children become. 

If you would be so kind...

Come back someday and share the lessons you learn someday maybe someone can learn something from your journey. _Then again, maybe they will think thier situation is different too._

It's sad that we will never get the benefit of hearing the lessons everyone else learned because of your choice.


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.


This is after all a forum agsinst cheating.

You would get much more support over on doccool .com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


How do you know that he emotionally abuses her and the children? Do you live with them?

I could fill a huge book with the lies that my son's father told his OW(plural). IT was all justification.

If he is emotionally abusing the children and she is staying than she is as responsible as he for allowing their father to abuse them.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


I would point out that there are two sides to any story. Some people say there are three sides - his, hers, and the truth.

You may only be hearing and seeing one side. In any event, it is unlikely you are seeing everything, you have not lived with them to see what occurred between them every step of the way, what led them to where they are now, and what actions both of them took and didn't take to get them here.

In any event, is it OK to cheat on your spouse if you feel your spouse is emotionally abusive? Or does not give you enough attention?

Someone else just posted this on another thread, I am paraphrasing:

If you feel you are being emotionally abused and you feel your spouse is not giving you enough attention, which of the following should you do and which of the following shouldn't you do:

a. Do nothing.
b. Work on the marriage.
c. Cheat.
d. File for divorce.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. *And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any*.


You don't know anything about the man. All she tells you are lies. All cheating wives and husbands lie about their partners to their OMs. 

Abusive husbands or nagging, selfish harpys for wives are usually good people who're begging for crumbs of intimacy from foggy waywards and getting nothing.

I remember another thread like this. Guy thought they were soulmates. When her husband found out she dropped him like a hot rock and denied everything to do damage control. 

Love conquers all eh? Ok, if you believe that then go confess the affair like Ovid suggested. If you think thats really true, theres nothing stopping you.

Except for your common sense that knows damn well that woman is full of sh!t and would throw you under the bus when the time comes, and we both know this is true.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This is after all a forum agsinst cheating.
> 
> You would get much more support over on doccool .com


Yes, you'll find your "hopeless romantics" there. Irony intended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

So many single women out there who are looking for a soulmate and this guy has to chase after a married woman.........


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


If you read the things my WW said about me to the OM, then looked at the reality you'd be seeing two completely different stories. It was one of the more hurtful things about discovering her A. What you are not getting is that a WS doesn't just lie to their BS they also lie to their AP. They lower their BS in their own minds to justify their actions. The reality is very different. Read about the fog. You're in the fog, and so is she.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".


 It does not matter how it started, it is now an affair. When she goes home from one of your secret dates, she goes home to go to bed with a man other than you, that is why the 3% success rate still applies to your situation. Under these conditions your relationship no longer has a chance to develop in a normal and healthy manner and will always be tainted by the affair aspect of it. When you go to sleep alone every night, you knowing that she is in bed with someone else will eat at your soul and destroy any chance at long term success for the two of you. I as a man could not live like that.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


I think you missed my point. At least the tragic irony escaped you. That's not a surprise, your flying at 50,000 feet. 

I don't have any interest in shoving anything down your throat, or really even trying to reach you. 

Your going to do what your going to do and there is not much that can be said or done that will change that. 

For what it's worth, your story has been told countless times. Everything about it is painfully common, I'm afraid the outcome on the path your on is also very predictable. I know you don't want to hear that and as a 'hopeless romantic' on cloud 9 _you can't_ accept that.. But, I offered anyway. I'm a hopeless realist like that. 

I'm not judging you. If you'd like to continue to communicate and your open to listening, there are things you should be aware of as your taking this journey. You really are in a bad situation, this path does not lead to happily ever after. 

If happily ever after is what you want, It's not hopeless. You have a chance to have everything you want but it's time to make some hard decisions before it's too late.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.


in 2 years you're gonna wake up and still be in love with a married woman. She needs to chit or get off the pot.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I find it funny he thinks her husband is controlling, when their affair speaks to the contrary.

Statistically, abusive and controlling husbands and wives rarely get cheated on. They know when and where their spouse is usually at all times and frequently do impromptu drive by check ups to be certain. 

So yeah you having time to go on dates and have trysts directly counteracts the lies shes spewing.

Let me tell you, my cousin has a very controlling boyfriend. He made her take the office that had the window that overlooked the avenue so he could see her at work, and had her keep the curtains open. One day she forgot to draw them, he drove by and after seeing that he stormed the place yelling and demanding to see her. 

Cost her her job.

now thats controlling. For this woman to have so much free time to be with you, means her husband probably isn't controlling in any shape or meaning of the word. 

Wise up, and like I suggested go open with the affair. 

If shes truly 'leaving him soon' this should be no problem. Then you'd be able to date her in the open. 

So tell me, whats keeping you?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Pit...I couldn't agree more. I can't figure out the lessons yet as well. Well beyond the obvious that 3 people do not a couple make. I guess in my original post i didn't go into how much I struggle as the OM. I do agree that my moral compass has been challenged. *But I also believe love can conquer all sometimes. And no I have zero sympathy for the hubs as lack of attention and emotional abuse to her and children do not merit any.*


Please step back from the fantasy and think rationally. You are the OM. She is a cheating spouse. There are few things you can count on in this situation:
1) Cheater ALWAYS lie. This is axiomatic. You know she is a lying to her husband, her family, her child and you can count on the fact she is lying to you.
2) If she really loved you and wanted you alone, she would have been out of the relationship.

At the risk of seeming harsh, I am going to say it like I see it. She is using you. She is having her cake and eating it too. Unfortunately, you are a willing accomplice in this travesty. You are full of platitudes and magical thinking and you are in for a world of hurt.

It has alrady been said. If she will cheat _with_ you, she will cheat _on_ you.

Get out of this affair. There are countless wonderrful women out there looking to commit to a great guy. Women who honor their commitments. Women who have enough maturity to know what they want and who don't use and abuse the people in their lives.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's intriguing how we can fool ourselves into believing what we want to especially when someone is telling us what we like to hear. 

Sid, you know what you guys are doing is screwed up and wrong but you're afraid of losing her. For that matter down deep you SHOULD know that she is not unique in her behavior. These are the scripts that play out over and over and you are playing your part by thinking this time is different.

If you for some reason think this lady is special then make her choose. It's really very simple but unfortunately not very easy. If she chooses to stay with her husband then you can move on to someone who is your partner alone. Think about it man. You know she's having sex with both of you wheather she says so or not. I wouldn't want to be in that ...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.


The real issue it not about romance. It's about when the old "you don't mess with taken women" which surely was burned in your brain become something posible to you.
Something happened to you to break the rules, it's not reality (the validity of the rules) what changed but your choice of self gratification.

What if this 3% is actually false and the odds are actually 30%. Who cares?
Did the "rule" change depending on the expectation of sucess of intruding in another relationship/marriage? And you excuse yourself becasue you are hopeless romantic? Because if she only could be stronger or wiser enough to see you are her KISA then this love-to-be finnaly would become a reality? 

Good lord.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Well I didn't ask for any validation and certainly didn't get any...however there sure aren't any hopeless romantics in this forum. Yes maybe a bit of fantasyland, but something to be said for the 3%.


Actually you could not be more wrong. The reason we are here is because we are hopeless romantics! Many of had children with our spouses. You can't get more gooey eyed than that! 

What you are experiencing, however intense, is not romance and it is not love of you by this woman. 

You are being used..Unintentional perhaps, but used nontheless


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Oh and I know that 3% looks attractive right now. Against all odds, etc. But that is at 5 years. 
At ten years the chances of the relationship surviving are. [read this slowly] statistically insignificant.

I assume you want a long term relationship at some point. .This affair is just stopping you from finding the person you are going to have it with.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

This thread clearly shows why experienced daters who meet people online clearly state they will not date people who are separated and not divorced.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Dude,
your moral compass isn't challenged, it's cracked and all the fluid leaked out. Now it's stuck on South.

Here's something everyone on this forum learns. Cheaters lie. They lie to their spouse, they lie to the OM (you), they lie to themselves. If she would lie to the man she vowed to be faithful to her whole life you think she would be honest with you? She's promised you nothing.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

And one last thing.
We learn the hard way one constant in this. 

Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie.

She does have sex with her husband. Sorry dude, that is just how it works. Your getting sloppy seconds.

She will try and string you along for as long as possible. 

She has no intention of losing access to her kids and if you continue this affair then she WILL lose at least 50% access.

If you love her. GO!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've just read through this entire thread and keep thinking that I will see some complexity in the problem. I don't, though. This is easy.

You want to find a hopeless romantic here & you've found one in me. What I will say is that the most romantic thing you can possibly do is let this woman go. You do it for her family's sake, you do it for your sake. Most of all, you do it because it is the honorable thing to do. 

There is absolutely nothing more romantic than a grown man standing up for principle and honor.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I've just read through this entire thread and keep thinking that I will see some complexity in the problem. I don't, though. This is easy.
> 
> You want to find a hopeless romantic here & you've found one in me. What I will say is that the most romantic thing you can possibly do is let this woman go. You do it for her family's sake, you do it for your sake. Most of all, you do it because it is the honorable thing to do.
> 
> There is absolutely nothing more romantic than a grown man standing up for principle and honor.


*AD hits the nail on the head.* It's not any more complicated or unique than thousands of other affairs going on right now. And there is nothing more respectable than a man or woman standing up for principle and honor even when it sucks.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I find it simply amazing and appalling that he comes to an infidelity website, seeking advice from those who are the very same people he (and others like him) are responsible for having a need to be here in the first place. Seeking advice from the very people he traumatized, and actually have the nerve to call it romantic on top of that.

What it is is sleazy, amoral, and downright filthy!

Just WOW!


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Kasler... I do know about this man. I have not taken her word for word and believe every single thing she has said. I have had contact with him, I have spoke to her brother and best friends at length and have a good picture of their entire marriage. And you can't make assumptions about her time, schedule or his tactics. Yes he is controlling to a degree that is unbelievable. Cabin_Fever...LOL....Zookeeper you seem to be one of the most level headed on this sight, saying the same things everyone els is but in a way that is relatable..3PUtt, as bitter as you seem to be are don't think you would ever be someone that should be saying anything!!! But overall this has been very helpful.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Not bitter at all. Just integrity driven.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> Kasler... I do know about this man. I have not taken her word for word and believe every single thing she has said. I have had contact with him, I have spoke to her brother and best friends at length and have a good picture of their entire marriage. And you can't make assumptions about her time, schedule or his tactics. Yes he is controlling to a degree that is unbelievable. Cabin_Fever...LOL....Zookeeper you seem to be one of the most level headed on this sight, saying the same things everyone els is but in a way that is relatable..3PUtt, as bitter as you seem to be are don't think you would ever be someone that should be saying anything!!! But overall this has been very helpful.


If he is so controlling, how does she find time to be with you?

Could you give us and idea of say the top 5 controlling things he does


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you posted your story in any other section of the site ?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

By the way the title doesn't make sense to me. *Single Guy Stuck in Affair with Married Woman.*

I think you need to remove the word stuck since it implies some victomness or inability to change it.


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Warlock, I have not posted this in any other section of this site but maybe I am in the wrong one idk?...EleGirl, Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone, demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving, etc, etc. But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Siddawg said:


> EleGirl, Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone


A GPS on a phone is not necessarily controlling. If it was because she’s having an affair and he wants to know if she’s lying to him it’s not controlling. It’s finding out the truth. So we still do not have enough info to judge this one.

When did he put gps tracking on her cell?


Siddawg said:


> demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving, etc, etc.


The above is not being controlling. Legally neither of them can kick the other out of the marital home. 

Telling her to leave is selfish and mean, it’s not controlling. Refusing to leave is his right under the law.

So what are some examples of him being controlling?


Siddawg said:


> But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.


Your writing here makes no sense. What ultimatum is the only alternative after Christman.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Siddawg said:


> Warlock, I have not posted this in any other section of this site but maybe I am in the wrong one idk?...EleGirl, *Controlling examples...hmm...secretly put gps application on her phone*, *demanded that if she wanted to leave after getting caught in his 2nd LT affair (before she ever met me or did anything wrong) that she would have to move out and find place with children because he was not leaving,* *etc, etc*. But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.


How is the gps controlling? It lets him know where she is, but doesn't actually stop her from doing anything, does it? Is she not free to leave him to be with you whenever she wants? Or does he have her chained in the kitchen? Many cheaters accuse their spouses of being "controlling," meaning that the spouse tries to figure out whether the cheater is still cheating, and gives the cheater grief if the affair is ongoing. Is that what you mean by controlling?

He refused to leave the house, but he did not stop her from leaving, after he was caught cheating? How is that controlling? She could have moved out, but she chose not to. Was it not true what he said, that it was his house, and he had the right to stay in it, despite his cheating? We see this situation all the time on this forum, and usually the faithful spouse is advised to detach emotionally and talk only about what is necessary for the kids and financially, until a decision is made whether to work on the marriage or head for divorce.

All I see is a guy trying to stop his wife from having an affair, and his wife apparently going along with it, perhaps not to your liking. Your married woman's husband made no promises to you, your married woman made promises to you, and your married woman made promises to her husband. Your quarrel is with her, not him.

You have not posted anything to lead us to believe he is especially bad, except for his two affairs. Depending on the circumstances, the posters on this site might advise her to leave her husband, or to try to work it out with him, but they definitely wouldn't advise her to take up with you. Nothing personal, but most of the posters here believe you should wait until the divorce is final, or at least be well on the way to a divorce, with a legal separation agreement in place, before starting to date someone else.

If their marriage is doomed, why not just sit back and let it implode, then start seeing her again after they are divorced? Don't you think your star-crossed love will survive for a few months until they finalize their divorce?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> But I must say this site and this board has been helpful to a degree, the ultimatum is only alternative after Christmas and although I am sure she will not leave at this point, I also don't think her marriage will either nor should it.


I don't understand too much the last line but I asume the ultimatum you are talking about is the one you are going to deliver her to get off the fence (stop cake eating) after the holidays (so you feel better of not screwing up vacations for their kids in case she choose you).
So... it's seem you are determined to become a home wrecker at all costs. Well... after Xmas. To save this woman from this monster of a husband...
What a shame.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I don't understand too much the last line but I asume the ultimatum you are talking about is the one you are going to deliver her to get off the fence (stop cake eating) after the holidays (so you feel better of not screwing up vacations for their kids in case she choose you).
> So... it's seem you are determined to become a home wrecker at all costs. Well... after Xmas. To save this woman from this monster of a husband...
> What a shame.


Yes there are two distinct issues here. 
1 Will she or should she work things out with her husband. 
2 Will you and her get together.

The problem is that these need to be dealt with in series and not parallel. As long as she and her husband are still together then you should not be in the equation.

Again right and wrong and what you should do here is very simple but it's not easy for you and it's not what you want to hear. You may keep searching for justification but it doesn't change the fact that you are the OM and she is cheating on her husband. There's going to be very little sympathy on any pro marriage forum for you.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Imo this is quite a a grey area situation (personally I do have some sympathy for you).
For your own sake walk away, she is either stringing you along or doesn't have the personal strength to walk away, if is the latter then she will have to find the strength to leave him herself there is nothing you can do to help her with that.


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## Siddawg (Dec 11, 2012)

Abitlost...thanks one of the few with any sympathy but thats ok. To answer your question she does not have the strength in my opinion. Either way I know what I have to do...after Christmas its goodbye until she makes the decision. Hardest thing in world to do and gonna be tough not to fall back into old patterns.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

You are having a disgusting affair with a MARRIED WOMAN and you don't think you deserve a BULLET to the BRAIN? You are a real slime! That is exactally what the Slime that was messing with my wife will get if it ever happens again!!!!!!!!!!


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