# my husband told me he is BI-CURIOUS, Please HELP



## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

hello, this is my first post, and I would really appreciate your inputs. I have been married to my husband for over 7 years and been together for 10 years, I am 31 years old and he is 33 and he's a very good looking man, we have 2 beautiful sons. however, we have been going through a rough time in our marriage, a lot of arguments, no sex ( maybe 2 times a month if I am lucky even I beg him to have sex with me), and this morning he told me that he believes he is Bi-curious at least, and he thinks of other men when he masturbates ( he said that he hates masturbating because he cannot help but thinking of other women and men). part of me is sad that it took him over 33 years to come out with his sexuality, and the other part of me feels cheated of all those years. he asked me to go to a gay bar with him, because he needs my moral support, he said that he doesn't want the leave the bar with another guy but just wants to explore and mingle,I think I want to go there to help him with his sexuality but at the same time I don't know what to do!!! I am very sexually open minded, but I also feel lost. any ideas?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ideas? You could put on a fake moustache, a strap on dildo, and dress up like a man. Make him take off his clothes and give him anal sex.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

This is a tough one.

Have you two sat down and talked it out?

Is he wanting to explore that other side of his sexuality - with you? Or with someone else? How does that make you feel?

Is he wanting to continue to maintain your marriage and your sexual relationship? What are his expectations of you and you of him?

Best wishes.


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## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

We did talk about it, he wants to explore that other side of his sexuality but he says with baby steps only. He wants to continue our marriage and our sexual relationship, and I am open for his other side as long as I don't feel neglected BUT 

I do feel neglected ( sexually), I have a high libido, and masturbating night after night is just boring and frustrating for me and I am not really OK with just having sex twice a month and he has a very good body, and to be honest I rather not share him with another guy, so should I just accept it? I don't want to loose him but then how can I compete with another guy as I am a woman?

Even though I told him that I would go to the gay bar with him, I am sure I will loose my cool if I see him flirting with another guy.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

No, you should not just accept it. It is a boundary for you. You need to be honest - with yourself and him.

To say he wants to do baby steps, means that in time he could be fully walking, then running. How does that make you feel?

Alas, I cannot tell you what you should do. Only you can determine that.

But do not be afraid of saying what is in your heart to him. Do not be silent.

_"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." ~Adlai Stevenson_

God Bless.


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## Jtaylor33 (Dec 2, 2011)

how did this end?


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## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

Jtaylor33 said:


> how did this end?


Oh we are in the process of getting divorced, i believe in honesty and now knowing that he knew about this even when we got married means he lied to me like every ****ing day,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

NALLA80 said:


> Oh we are in the process of getting divorced, i believe in honesty and now knowing that he knew about this even when we got married means he lied to me like every ****ing day,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry to hear that, but you are doing the right thing for yourself, but also for the both of you. Lying isn't something I can deal with either, especially about something so fundamental to a relationship.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

My wife of ten years (together 16 years), decided that she was bi/lesbian. It's best that you find this out now, before you waste too much time and life chasing something that just doesn't fit.

I shouldn't say "decided". I had a gut feeling for many years that she was attracted to women but I ignored it to my detriment.


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## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

adv said:


> My wife of ten years (together 16 years), decided that she was bi/lesbian. It's best that you find this out now, before you waste too much time and life chasing something that just doesn't fit.
> 
> I shouldn't say "decided". I had a gut feeling for many years that she was attracted to women but I ignored it to my detriment.


I don't know if it makes sense but I feel relieved, do you feel that way too? 
I mean after a while, all I was thinking was about why he was not interested in me at all, I did try everything from sexy lingerie to toys, but nothing would arouse him towards me, It really broke down my self esteem because I kept thinking that there is something wrong with me that I cannot get him excited to have sex with me, not knowing I was just the wrong gender to begin with. For that I don't think I will ever forgive him. Like you said, I kept on chasing something I could never have, on top of that, he had the guts to ask me to go to that gay bar/lounge with him. 
did you decide to stay with your wife? if so, do you find it hard to work it out?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Bi is fine.

But if he's never wanting sex with you, that doesn't sound 'bi'.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

PS: Have you asked how he plans to handle being 'bi' in a monogamous marriage?


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## NALLA80 (Oct 9, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> PS: Have you asked how he plans to handle being 'bi' in a monogamous marriage?


Actually, we are in the process of getting divorced as I have no intention of handling him being "bi" in a monogamous marriage. First he didn't disclose that fine print to me prior to our marriage so that is a huge lie. Also he doesn't want to have sex with me, at least not on a regular basis, that is besides the fact that he actually asked me to go to that gay bar/lounge with him as an emotional support. so I am pretty sure he is not BI but just Gay , plus he told me he cannot stop thinking about some random guys giving him head while he is just standing at the supermarket checkout line while he would try to find every excuse to avoid receiving oral from me. which married man would refuse to get oral from their wives? of course I do blame myself for ignoring the signs because there have been signs.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

NALLA80 said:


> Actually, we are in the process of getting divorced as I have no intention of handling him being "bi" in a monogamous marriage. First he didn't disclose that fine print to me prior to our marriage so that is a huge lie. Also he doesn't want to have sex with me, at least not on a regular basis, that is besides the fact that he actually asked me to go to that gay bar/lounge with him as an emotional support. so I am pretty sure he is not BI but just Gay , plus he told me he cannot stop thinking about some random guys giving him head while he is just standing at the supermarket checkout line while he would try to find every excuse to avoid receiving oral from me. which married man would refuse to get oral from their wives? of course I do blame myself for ignoring the signs because there have been signs.


Sorry...

Tend to agree - I don't think that's Bi.

Sounds like divorce is the right way to go.


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

Its depreciating to note , when there is a fine feminine woman at your part n care , some crap a**, is finding it pleasurable to be with his crap h*m*s...and trying to take her along for his a**.. **ks

PS : Sorry for the vocabulary...


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Let me add a post on here and share something that I am very uncomfortable sharing. I do this because this one stirs a lot of emotions, but when we remove the emotions and look at it, there may be more to understand than most people have realized.

If you search on Google or Bing for a study conducted at Boise State University about women's sexuality, you can find a number of news stories citing a study that says that 60% of heterosexual women have some lesbian curiosity. Understand the wording there: This is 60% of HETEROSEXUAL women have some lesbian curiosity. If you can find a story that goes into the details of this study, you will find that it varies with age and varies in degree. The percentage is lowest with younger women, and highest with women over 40, and many women over 40 who have never had any bisexual curiosity before develop some curiosity after 40. So far as degree goes, some women fantasized about a make-out session with another woman, some fantasized about other sex acts, etc. Some pursued it to actually find a lesbian partner. Of those, some experienced it and decided they didn't like it. Some decided they did. The responses were very broad. One thing for sure is that the lesbian curiosity did NOT mean she had suddenly turned off to men and decided she wanted women from then on.

So why was I even looking at such a study? or why did I even search? Here is where the uncomfortable parts comes in, but here, I hide behind the anonymity and try to make a point of sharing as openly and honestly as possible. So here goes:

I found it because I couldnt' find such a study on men, but stumbled across it when looking. I was dealing with a desire that I didn't want to acknowlege. When I got over 40 myself, I found that there were times that I had a bicurious fantasy. What may seem strange to some is that I never really wanted to be with another man. I did not find another man attractive, and it was repulsive to think of kissing or touching another man or anything like that. The fantasy that I'm talking about was about giving another man oral sex. However; everything around that was repulsive to me. 

I did find as I explored places where people shared their experiences honestly that I really wasn't that unusual in any of that. There are other men who have similar fantasies, and some have taken it much farther. Like the women in the Boise State University study, I found it seemed to be more prevalent as men got above the age of 40, but was not at all unusual in younger men, either. I found that other men over 40 also expressed that they never thought they would have any bisexual curiousity, but it developed within the last few years for them. Interestlingly, many of them were happily married and did not want to change that.

In curiosity, I actually watched some bi porn. As soon as it became anything anal, it repulsed me to the point that I couldn't watch anymore. I also found that, although interesting, oral sex would have to be reduced to nothing more than a mouth and a penis to not be completely repulsive to me. And when I thought about it I didn't really want to do that despite what happened in my mind sometimes. Some people had a much stronger curiousity than I did as I found on other message forums. Some were there just trying to hook up and explore that desire, and others were there just because it felt good to actually be able to admit it to somebody who would understand, but they didn't want to explore their curiosity. 

Even if my curiousity was stronger, it would be pretty simple to decide whether or not I wanted to explore it, and the principle doesn't change from heterosexual situations. I've been really tempted by other women. I've never really been tempted by a man - just curious. I've never cheated on my wife with another woman because I love my wife, don't want to hurt her, and am not willing to jeopardize her - stepping out on her would jeopardize her health and her welfare. When it came to any curiousity, if it had become stronger, still, I love my wife, don't want to hurt her, and am not willing to jeopardize her - stepping out on her would jeopardize her health and her welfare. Pretty simple. I have a GREAT thing with my wife and the family we have together. Stepping out might provide a moment or two of pleasure (not sure it would in the case of a man), but whether it provided pleasure or not, it would ruin everything I have and jeopardize everything I love and everything that keeps me happy. Bottom line: I'm in love with my wife and with her is where I want to be.


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

Women often indulge in it , without any feeling of repulsion...but a certain beauty in it...

Men on the other hand , are not much for it, except for the h.*m*s..some of who can be Bi , by situations esp knots...and some men , do it , in high libidos..


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There's a difference in "curious", as in fantasizing...and carrying it out.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> There's a difference in "curious", as in fantasizing...and carrying it out.


Indeed there is.

I'll say that the benefit from my experience above is that when my wife shut up about her fantasies for many years, when I finally got her to open up again, she admitted she didn't think she could tell me because they involved other people. She also said she didn't really want to do them, but they were fantasies. From my experience, I recognized VERY WELL what a fantasy was that you didn't really want to carry through on. Hers were not lesbian - at least not the ones she told me ... her mind is still her own. However; hers would have made me very uncomfortable had I not done some introspection and known how fantasies are.

I tell her that in the real world, I'm not going to share her with anybody, and don't want her to share me with anybody in the real world, but in the fantasy world, we can role play and act out her fantasies. She seems to enjoy that security, and seems relieved that she can open up to me freely. And role-playing has been nice .


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