# Wife says she doesn't love herself can't live me



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Married 5 years, been together 17
2 daughters in their teens.
She's 38 and I'm 46

Last month out of the blue my wife says it's over. Doesn't love me anymore. Not happy. Went to sleep at a girlfriend house,
Kids were stunned. Traumatized my 14 year old shut her out.
2 days later she is ok. In bed with me . Holding hands .. Kissing. Sex etc
I suggested to her to talk to our 14yr old. She said she'd get over it and if she needs to talk she'll come to me.

Said she is trying to love me again. I suggested counselling. Something we should of done a long time ago since the issue of of problems keeps coming back. I'm someone who talks about my feelings. I don't hold things in. She holds everything in and it exploded. Well her leaving that night was a major explosion.

I'm not a psycologist but to back track 5 months . Her dad was diagnosed with cancer. Terminal. She has a new job. Sales. Very stressed and not making the money she expected. Doesn't want to leave this job because she changed jobs 3 times the previous year.

She wanted to buy a new home with me, then wanted to buy a double home so my parents could move in. She is close to them.

She has a lot going on. 
Our arguments are more misunderstandings than fights and are settled the same day.

Back to now.. 3 weeks in. We've not seen a marriage therapist , she keeps putting it off. We have been talking about the relationship and her needs. She wants more Independance. More alone time for her. Lose weight etc. 

Camping, family activities, going out alone for dinner no kids. All good but she is not the same person. Has become more me myself and I. She still hasn't reached out to our 14yr old. Now my 12 year old is suffering.

Our mortgage is due in September for renewal. She suggested we change banks. Clear all her debts and add in 8000$ so she can get liposuction. All to better her self image. I refused since our relationship is still not fixed and we haven't had therapy to clear our issues.

She snapped and it's over again. Lasted 2 days . She never left the house but came home after work and just crashed. Crying .

Another week goes by. All good . Except for my daughters who finally let her know their feelings. They've been telling me their feelings about their new mommy and they don't like it. My wife changed her hair, color it darker. Did not care what the girls were doing . Stopped texting them during the day like she use to . Just to say hi x. But she is always on her phone texting in the corner of the room.

My daughters crying. Asking for their mothers attention. All my wife has to say is. Everything will be fine. Me and your daddy tried and it's not working. When I get an apartment and have you every second week., all will be good. 

Again it's over. Ups and downs. I asked her what is going on. You are hurting more than just me. 

I feel she is planning an out. Tried to get me to take on her debts. Played me .

I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday. She doesn't want to go. She wants me to go to a separation conselor with her on Friday. 

Her behaviour is off. I'm not sure if their is someone else in the picture. She had no childhood friends. No girlfriends except the wife's of my longtime friends. She has a few new friends at work , but she's been there for 4 months. Not sure they really know her to see theirs something not right. I know she talks to them about this because she takes their advise. One Is a single mom, one is divorced went through a bad one. One never married and a flirt,

In the last month. She wanted liposuction and a tummy tuck. 15lbs to lose.
She dyed her hair, changed makeup to more flashy colors, Brazilian wax job, started tanning, and more skimpy clothes.
Started jogging.

Stopped paying her portion of the bills 45days and counting.

Has become a texting machine.

I'm at a loss. Trying to fix my familly before a bad choice is made. 

She said to me last night. If we can consult individually ( seems I'm to much clingy and giving her too much love. I need to let her breath). As for her she knows the stress is affecting her. Anxiety etc

Then an hour later. Says she made a list of items she wants after the separation. Furniture etc.

I'm at a loss . Need advise


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your in a cycle and do not engage until she reaches out for professional help. And then, you need to stay detached because she needs to work through this and you being a safety net will only cause her to run back to you when she feels that things are too difficult.

If you want this cycle to end, you need to find the strength to end it.

Pretty much, detach from the drama. Remember, you cannot fix her, only encourage her to seek help.


----------



## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

classic red flags - there's probably someone else in the picture..


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Sorry you are here man but if there ever was anyone who hit all the buttons for the signs of having an affair, its your wife, spray tan and all. I'm sure you know that too. Look you need to protect yourself and your children. You need to protect yourself emotionally (and you are an emotional guy so this is critical) by implementing the 180 right now. Stop living in the teenage fantasy world she is creating for herself. The other way to do to get protection is see a lawyer ASAP. A qualified divorce lawyer not somebody's buddy who handled his mom's estate really well or a guy you play golf with. Go make that appointment now, if not for yourself, do it for your children.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

DoneWithHurting said:


> classic red flags - there's probably someone else in the picture..


Yes I agree


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> Married 5 years, been together 17
> 2 daughters in their teens.
> She's 38 and I'm 46
> 
> ...


Affair. The hot and cold cycles are probably due to her and her boyfriend (or girlfriend) breaking up/getting back together.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes sorry you are here. She is most probably having an affair and is very indecisive or guilt ridden. She is like a seesaw. 

Trying to wipe the slate clean (dumping baggage/burdens/children) is a very classic sign. She wants to be fresh and free of responsibilities for her new bf.

You have a long road ahead. My advice is to gather evidence and lay low. The texting is a dead giveaway.


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

She goes to work and comes home on time. No sneaking out at all or going out on her own on the weekends.

If it's an affair .. It's only through texting.
I know my gut questions her behaviour .. But mid life crises .. Shows the same behaviour

And to tell me she wants it to work one hour and separation the next, not too stable 

I even said go stay with a friend. She doesn't want to leave the house


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like mid life to be. May be contemplating life after you. .... may or may not have anyone in mind but I'd say at the very least she's likely considering whether she can do better.

I wouldn't let her jerk you around, I'd tell her either she's in our out and if she's out then have her served. That's your chance to save things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP,

So sorry you are here with this problem. I feel especially bad for your daughters who are confused & hurt by their mother's actions.

I agree with EVG about setting up an appointment with a divorce lawyer for a consultation. Most lawyers do a free initial consultation, so I would suggest seeing a few of them. Learn what your rights are & what your wife's rights are. Knowledge is power in a situation like this. Once you select a lawyer, have them draw up a separation agreement that is fair to the both of you (50/50 custody of the girls, etc.).

Now that you have your separation papers drawn up, you will need to do some snooping to see if your wife is cheating or not or what she is actually up to:

- Buy a Voice Activate Recorder (VAR) & put it in your wife's car. I'm sure she talks on her phone freely while in the car driving to & from work. 
- Install a mobile spy app on her phone, if possible
- Install key logger on her computer or the home computer
- If you have a family plan for the cell phones, start looking at the most frequently texted & dialed numbers. Make a note of them.
- Hire a PI to follow your wife around (if possible)

Now that you have started your snooping to gather any evidence (if there is any), now it's time to draw out the big guns: 
- Implement the 180 immediately (your wife will notice, trust me)

- When your wife comes to you to talk about the marriage...you can show her the business card to your divorce attorney or a marriage counselor. Tell her that if she refuses counseling it leaves you no choice but to serve her the papers you have already drawn up.

Whatever you do, don't allow your wife to keep you around as Plan B....you deserve so much more.

Keep coming back with update, the folks here are good at supporting people in your situation.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> She goes to work and comes home on time. No sneaking out at all or going out on her own on the weekends.
> 
> If it's an affair .. It's only through texting.


you said her new job was sales...are there sales calls (leaving the office)? also, many affairs are lunch time events, or are hidden by coming to work after a morning encounter, or leaving the office early for an afternoon visit. Or, if it's the boss, missing time would just be ignored. The spouse is none the wiser.

Classic red flags. Get access to that phone asap. Get a few VARs, and/or hire a private investigator to figure out what's really going on.


----------



## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_She goes to work and comes home on time. No sneaking out at all or going out on her own on the weekends.

If it's an affair .. It's only through texting._

You 100% sure she is at work the whole time? Not leaving for lunch or maybe not going in the office at all and taking a personal day? I hope not for your sake but i dont think you should be so convinced nothing is going on either.

Could be a mid life crisis and she is acting out and such. I would def try seeing someone to talk about this and your marriage together if possible.


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that. 

It's frustrating to see the pain it's causing them. My oldest told her ... She needs help. My daughter told me wife she doesn't listen to her. She's shelfish. She should leave 

I constantly tell my daughters mommy is going through a tough time. She loves them it's just now she is so overwhelmed with her battle inside her she is not there.

My wife told them she was going to go to therapy with me a week ago. Like I said I booked a session for next Monday. 

She said she won't go. Hopefully she changes her mind.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> She had no childhood friends. No girlfriends except the wife's of my longtime friends. *She has a few new friends at work ,* but she's been there for 4 months. Not sure they really know her to see theirs something not right. I know she talks to them about this because she takes their advise. *One Is a single mom, one is divorced went through a bad one. One never married and a flirt,*


"New" friends, especially of this variety (one single, one divorced, one a chronic flirt) is not good at all. She is getting a lot of bad advice from her single friends who appear (to her) to be having a lot more fun than she is. The sad reality is, any or all of them would probably kill to switch places with her -- good husband, financial security, kids, house, etc.



Derekk77 said:


> In the last month. She wanted liposuction and a tummy tuck. 15lbs to lose. She dyed her hair, changed makeup to more flashy colors, Brazilian wax job, started tanning, and more skimpy clothes. Started jogging.
> 
> Has become a texting machine.


Major red flags. There is another man in the picture. Or perhaps one of these single gals is putting the moves on her and making her question her sexual identity.

Get ready. There's a bumpy road ahead.

Lawyer up. Get your financials in order. Separate your bank accounts.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Derekk77 said:


> She goes to work and comes home on time.
> 
> If it's an affair .. It's only through texting.


Don't be so sure... 

My ex used to bang the boss in the parking lot at lunch. 

Your wife is exhibiting DEFCON 1 affair symptoms.

Start the investigation TODAY. Someone post weightlifter's thread.



Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.


I'm glad you came to TAM because I was as ignorant as you are once. Sure, no good mom would do that. MOST cheating moms would.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.


This is not true, if you read a few threads on here. Cheaters will use any lie they think the BS would buy, if it will help cover their tracks.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.


Sorry OP, but you're far too innocent.

Swearing on kids is a classic maneuver from the cheater's Handbook.


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

She has another man, or she's looking. Sorry.

Almost everyone in an affair swears on their childrens lives. Look for the "cheaters script" in the Coping with Infidelity section. Then look for @weightlifter 's standard evidence thread. Don't confront until you have solid evidence.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Here ya' go.... Read this, take it all in, like it's your new Bible.

@weightlifter's Standard Evidence Post


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> *She goes to work and comes home on time.* No sneaking out at all or going out on her own on the weekends.
> 
> If it's an affair .. It's only through texting.
> I know my gut questions her behaviour .. But mid life crises .. Shows the same behaviour
> ...


You're assuming that she's not able to see her lover at work.

IOW, he or she may very well be a co-worker.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> *She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.*
> 
> It's frustrating to see the pain it's causing them. My oldest told her ... She needs help. My daughter told me wife she doesn't listen to her. She's shelfish. She should leave
> 
> ...


Wow. Nearly every single wayward spouse says _*EXACTLY* the same thing_.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else.


-Said countless spouses in the midst of cheating.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I am not sure if it is OM or mid-life crisis. One thing for sure is that you need to take action now. As been said here, get a D lawer, start protect yourself and your kids financially. By going with D route, you might as well give her necessary kick into the right direction. She just might realize that this is serious, and will be forced to get snap out of it, and finally made a decision. Sitting there and keep guessing is not an option for you.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. Peri-menopause can make women crazy. I know from personal experience....


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You know what I think....

I think she needs to stop her damn lying!!!!


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Derekk77 said:


> 1) Last month out of the blue my wife says it's over. Doesn't love me anymore.
> 
> 2) Not happy.
> 
> ...


That's a list of your WW red flags. If she ain't cheating, then no one is.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

barbados said:


> That's a list of your WW red flags. If she ain't cheating, then no one is.


:iagree: :iagree:

More red flags than China's little army...


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What the fvck is going on around here?


Wives are bailing out of their marriages like rats jumping off burning ships.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What the fvck is going on around here?
> 
> 
> Wives are bailing out of their marriages like rats jumping off burning ships.


Eat pray love and 50 shades of grey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Today .. Good day for her. She talked obliterated our familly camping trip this morning.
It's in August. Invited me and our oldest daughter out to brunch. Youngest one is at a sleep over. 


Like I said . Bi polar,,, mid life crisis, chemical or hormone imbalance

I wish it was she has somene else and that's it. These up and downs and mood swings are driving me insane


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. This is not your wife. This is someone else. You do not know her. You can not trust her. 

She has likely received advice from divorced friends Not to leave the house. This is a legal tactic. 

Failing to act, and waiting for her to "come around" or "snap out of it" will only prolong the situation as well as you and your kids' anguish. 

Being sweet, loving, and patient at this point will only make things worse. 

Find a lawyer and start drafting papers. This is very important, even if you don't end up divorcing. 

Go to the psych for yourself, especially if she doesn't go. Keep going. 

Ask your psych to recommend a good child psychologist.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Derekk77 said:


> Today .. Good day for her. She talked obliterated our familly camping trip this morning.
> It's in August. Invited me and our oldest daughter out to brunch. Youngest one is at a sleep over.
> 
> 
> ...


It could be those things. Sure. Please know though that affair fog looks the same way. Even if just an emotional affair via texts. 

Regardless of the cause, my advise remains the same. She isn't seeking help. She clearly needs it. That is hurting you and your children. She needs to KNOW that you won't put up with it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> Today .. Good day for her. She talked obliterated our familly camping trip this morning.
> It's in August. Invited me and our oldest daughter out to brunch. Youngest one is at a sleep over.
> 
> 
> ...


Are you LISTENING to anything we are saying??

*It IS someone else.*

Bikini wax? Dyed hair? Losing weight? Tanning? "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore?"

What rock are you hiding under???? _(What man -- or woman -- has entered her life that you refuse to acknowledge?)_

Did you check out weightlifter's Standard Evidence Post?

If you feel insane it's because you're doing the same thing OVER and OVER, expecting a DIFFERENT outcome...


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

In my previous message ... She talked about our vacation not obliterated it. Not sure how spell check flipped that.

I am strong and don't fold to her ups and downs. It's tough but I don't flip out and tell her to get the hell out. Reason girls are close to me is because I talk to them like teenagers and not little children that should stay out of it. 

They are affected with her crap and I've told her. She thinks I'm turning out girls against them.

I don't think I am naive ... I think I just see a woman going through a bad spell and not ready to see her ruin everything we have built. 

Like I said if she has someone else.. It would be only me she'd neglect. 

The last 15 days sex has been as good as ever. Only when she snaps into this new her we get disconnected. Today she is not working. Less stress... Less a problem. 

I really appreciate all of you . My first time using a forum to seek guidance and support. I have no regrets and thank you all


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, you and I were cross-posting at the same time.

Hope you saw my last message.


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Yes happy I saw it. 

I have reached out to a lawyer a few weeks ago after her first episode on my rights and my bank is a separate account. 

If in the end I am wrong. I know I tried.
Won't have regrets . The girls see that I am trying. They are old enough to decide where they want to live. 

I won't keep them from their mom but they will know the reason if their parents are not together. And they will know their mother played me.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The thing to understand is that affair behaviour is very similar to bipolar behaviour. Same up and downs, same craziness. This is 99.9% an affair. I know, I've been through both.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

The interest in vacation, invite to brunch, sex, etc, are called "love crumbs".

As in, dropped on the ground to ensure that you keep busy following her around gobbling them up while she eats cake.

ETA, We wouldn't have a term for it if it wasn't common.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

zillard said:


> The interest in vacation, invite to brunch, sex, etc, are called *"love crumbs"*.
> 
> As in, dropped on the ground to ensure that you keep busy following her around gobbling them up *while she eats cake.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

This reminds me of a bad episode of wheel of fortune. Where there is only one letter missing from the puzzle and everyone at home is screaming at the television what the answer is and because the contestant is deaf to the audience he just stands there dumbfounded.










Buzz! Times up! Naggers..... The correct answer is naggers.

Good luck bro... You're as checked out as your cheating wife.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.


ALMOST ALL CHEATERS DO IT. It's just words! If you say it to someone you no longer care about, it means nothing so no harm done.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Derekk77 said:


> She swore on the kids heads that their is no one else. Not sure too many moms would do that.
> 
> It's frustrating to see the pain it's causing them. My oldest told her ... She needs help. My daughter told me wife she doesn't listen to her. She's shelfish. She should leave
> 
> ...


Cheaters lie. You can't believe anything they say, even if they swear on a stack of Bibles.

I say it's 99% likely she is having an affair. There are enough red flags for a Communist Party convention.


----------



## lincolnave (Jan 24, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your concerns and allowing us to attempt to help.

I agree there is something wrong.

Have you calmly asked her if there is anything you could improve (even if it isn't for/with her)? 

Being a better person (not a sucker) is always an option/goal. This time of your life is going to be very difficult, using it as an inspiration to benefit both your self and your girls would be the greatest gift you can give to them and yourself. It might be reflected in your current relationship or not, no promises.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm usually not one to immediately jump to the "he/she is having an affair" train, but in this case...I think it's a good idea that you at least look into it. She does show all of the classic affair signs. Do some digging and even if she isn't cheating, you need to work on the 180. Start working on yourself and stop worrying about her. You have kids that you need to care for and the best way to do that is to work on yourself and be the best person you can be right now.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Derek, it's hard for me to sit here and not accuse you of trolling because you have hit almost every major red fled, and you are either to trusting or else in a betrayed spouse smog from the reality that your W is deliberately deceiving you to have a sexual relationship with someone outside of her husband.

The vacation talk was her trying to set it up to get out of going so she can see her lover instead.

Get it into your head, your W is a liar and a cheater and any idea you have that she is a loyal partner or just struggling with her feelings is purely an illusion. Her feelings are clear, she is horny for this other guy (or guys, or whomever).

Sorry it sucks man, but right now you need to be proactive, go stealth and be angry for the disrespect she is showing towards you.

Gather evidence, see weightlifters thread, get a lawyer, begin separating finances, DO NOT confront her until you have seen firsthand the evidence of her betrayal then use it to blow up her affair if you want to have any chance at knowing the person you thought she was again. Do not blame the OM, hold her accountable to her vows she made to you.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hi, you sound like a wonderful dad! You're great for putting them first.

Don't want to rub salt in the wound,but be vigilant in your observations. Lots of red flags,tons of em,but the fact she had a Brazilian speaks volumes. Good luck.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP, do you know how painful a Brazilian is? 

Only a woman who REALLY wants to impress her man gets one. Most women will be content with shaving if they are only doing it for themselves.


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Vacation talk was me, her and the kids included. 
I also have my brothers families joining us for 3 of the 7 days

I will definetly snoop around. She just stepped out to her moms for an hour or so. I know some of you will say she's meeting him if there is one. 

Before leaving she said she might take me up on seeing the therapist with me on monday. Understand she has something off with herself.


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

She did not hide the Brazilian wax. She got her eyebrows done and the wax was for the summer bikini season. She usually shaves most of it. Thought wax was easier. 

Like I said the 15days between both breakdowns I was intimate with her. 
Cuddling in bed. Holding hands in the car

She has only slept on the couch 2 nights. I told her I'm not on the couch, I am not the one who needs space,


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Use protection if you are having sex with her, and get your poor kids counseling.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Derekk77 said:


> She did not hide the Brazilian wax. *She got her eyebrows done and the wax was for the summer bikini season. She usually shaves most of it. Thought wax was easier.
> *
> Like I said the 15days between both breakdowns I was intimate with her.
> Cuddling in bed. Holding hands in the car
> ...


Is this something she does every summer?


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Hi second time. 
Shave clean yes.. Wax a few years back. 
But when she got her eyebrows done she saw the special in the salon and said why not .


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Derekk77 said:


> She did not hide the Brazilian wax. She got her eyebrows done and the wax was for the summer bikini season. She usually shaves most of it. Thought wax was easier.


Watch.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSXx_A5bhXA


Now think of this on your pubes...


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok derekk77 everyone here is screaming at you she is having an affair......people who have been doing this for years and have seen your EXACT story ohhh 1,298 times. 

but hey you know your wife better than us so why are you asking for help?


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

I hear the affair loud and clear

It may be She is going through a depression or something.which leads to separating, time appart and an affair

If she's not there yet.. And she is going down a path we all know that will end in a ruined marriage, kids that will take a long time to have a smile around her , and her probably meeting a guy .., and that failing hard like they all do.

I'm looking for ways to prevent that step. To keep calm.. Be there strong for the kids... Support her when she crashes.

She's at her mothers for supper. So she says. This is the first time this month she went somewhere after work. Does she usually go to her mothers an hour away on a Wednesday? No 

Who thinks she lied and went elsewhere?


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Call her Mothers...


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Derekk77 said:


> Like I said the 15days between both breakdowns I was intimate with her.
> Cuddling in bed. Holding hands in the car
> 
> She has only slept on the couch 2 nights. I told her I'm not on the couch, I am not the one who needs space,


I am not going to insist that she is having an affair. It would be more effective to help you know what to look for. You said that she spends a lot of time texting. 

Does she tell you who she is texting? 
Is she very protective of her phone? 
If there is a password, do you know what it is? 
Does she wear more revealing clothes to work than she did a year ago?


----------



## Derekk77 (Jul 1, 2015)

Revealing clothes At work no.. 
She occasionally has a lunch gathering with other businesses . She dresses more like the girls she works with. No new clothes just clothes she usually wears out with me. 

Her phone is a work phone . Has a password . Mine does aswell. Says she's texting the girls at the office. 

When I'm in the room she doesn't do it. 
She goes on FaceBook but I see everything. 

As for her moms . She just called from there. Caller id showed her moms number. Eating a little later so won't be home until 9


----------



## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

You are getting almost ALL the classic red flags and you would be astonished how often the TAM army is right in seeing these things with absolute clarity early in the first post when the OP is still thinking "My wife would never do that..." 

Personally... I lean towards her being a walk away wife where she is unhappy and at the end of her rope and simply wants to change her life completely and start again. Some IC might help her figure out the path to take. 

Good thing you were smart and didn't agree to clear her debt and pay 8K for liposuction as cosmetic surgery is another one of the classic "fix me up and watch me go" deals that walk away wives like to cash in on before they leave. 

Try for marriage counseling and hope she opens up and comes back to you and the family. 

I'd snoop in the meanwhile just in case. 

Good luck!


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's seeing someone else. She obviosly wants you to bear the brunt of the big ticket items like liposuction so she can be more attractive to her special someone. Try getting evidence of what's going on, find out who she's texing and get a VAR for her car. Document any violent tantrums. Wait until she files, it will be better for you and your kids.


----------



## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Any way to see those texts? I'd do a VAR in her car as well.

I think if there's an affair on you can find out pretty quickly if you do a little checking.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Just get the VAR already.
Dont touch the work phone. Company can come after you with some big gun lawyer. Btw if they are using work phone for affair... Great leverage if you divorce.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Even though I'm of the crowd that thinks that she is indeed in an affair, let's suspend our disbelief for a second. It may be possible that she is not in an affair, per se, but these "new friends" from work may be steering her in that direction. It is possible that they are showing her the single, party-girl lifestyle, the one that you say she never had. They may have invited her out on a Girl's Night Out, but she probably said no, and they replied back with a dissapointed, flippant: "Oh, I see...". Then they asked her again, she may have declined, and they probably asked back: "Oh, sweetie, do you do EVERYTHING that your husband tells you? Isn't that controlling and abusive?" 

That got the seeds planted in her mind. She now saw these friends going out and having fun without a care in the world, and she probably accepted their invitation later, thinking: "Oh, what would it hurt if I went with them...just this once?" She saw the fun of them dancing and the excitement of the hook-ups with the guys in the bars/clubs, and then one night, she came home to...

...same old, same old with the kids, the house, the chores, and a suddenly boring guy.

So, she began to question if this is REALLY what she wanted, began to question the choices she made in life, began to wonder if there was life out there.

So, when she left that time, she probably was all set to have a fling, maybe be single party-girl for just a few days, but then she got a guilty conscience, and came home and did some "hysterical bonding"; trying to assuage the guilt she felt. But soon, she felt the call of the clubs again, and she started hanging out with the girls again, who are now feeding her stories of their jerk-wad ex husbands or their mush-for-brains boyfriends, and how fun it is to step out on them, and how they're strong women who do what they want, and no man is going to corral them.

By now, she's convinced that this is what she really wants, but her jerk-wad husband and whiny kids are holding her back. So she thinks that she really wants to leave, but she still hasn't gotten all of her "you go girl" ducks in a row yet, so she agrees to counseling with you, when in reality, she's only telling you what she thinks you want to hear, so that she can play for time and get you off of her case until she comes up with her next move.

But, i still think it's an affair...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The worst red flag is that she has drawn away from her own kids. That rarely happens. But sometimes the cheating mother does dump her kids when she is love struck.

I'm wondering if she being played hard by someone that's just wants her for sex and keps reeling her in and pushing her back.

I can't remember one poster that has revealed this many redflags. Aamof, what redfalg has she missed? New underwear he doesn't get to see?


----------

