# If you ever lost your sexual desire for the man in your life,



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

why do you think that happened? Whether it was for a husband or a boyfriend, what changed?

I am hearing about how women feel passion for the man in their life at the beginning of the relationship, but then it leaves the building at some point thereafter. I have heard women say that it is because of having little kids, or illness, and I am guessing there are other reasons, too.

From what I read on TAM, men often seem very upset about the departure of desire, and some want the women to get it back already, and as quickly as possible. They don't want just availability, but true enthusiastic desire. 

Yet women may find it difficult to force that to happen. And sometimes they themselves don't know why. 

If you know why it happened to you, or have heard a friend or family member tell why it happened to her, please feel free to share. Thank you.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

I think it came down to losing respect for him. He has since regained it and I am on fire for him these days. 

Explaining why is going to get me into a lot of unnecessary trouble. I struggled with how to answer this without saying exactly what happened, and realize that it's actually pretty simple. I was downright disgusted for a little while.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

With my exH, I lost desire because of the quality of the relationship. Without going into detail, he was exceedingly controlling, jealous, (ironic, as he was the cheater of the marriage), very materialistic, and knowing better now, also abusive. I was young and right out of university, hadn't been in any long term relationships, and foolishly married him within a year against the better judgement of many family and friends....he was a flashy passionate good-looking man and a smooth talker, something my older siblings immediately recognized but I valiantly insisted was his 'sincerity'. At one point I suggested a longer engagement since we had been together under a year and my family was upset about me being with him....he hit the roof....I think it was because had we dated a little longer I would have seen more of his true colors and we would never have made it down the aisle. . 

I've been with my current H about 13 years. Polar opposite of my ex, they would never get along if they met even without me in the picture. My H is a "nice guy" but having been with an A-hole I very much know I hit the jackpot with him. The desire has only increased


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

His actions told me I wasn't important and that my feelings didn't matter to him.

I didn't really want sex with him after I woke up to the message his actions were sending to me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, we're all in agreement that the men are responsible for their own victimization. In our marriage vows, there's always the escape clause, "if you really feel like it." 

After you have lost that loving feeling, do you still accept the fruits of his labor? Do you still expect him to trudge off to work and bring the proceeds home?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I lost a lot of respect for my husband when he let me take care of everything. I felt like he was another child in the family, I was his mommy. Just because I am capable of taking care of everything doesn't mean I want to.

A man who can't be bothered to clean without being told, maintain his home without being begged, parent his own children, maintain his other relationships, it is almost impossible to respect this. Resentment built up pretty quickly for me. We were only eighteen when we got together, I think he needed time to mature. 

Thankfully he has done a great job of changing that behavior, I've let go of the resentment and we are in a good place.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have never lost desire for my husband ...I didn't, however, need sex or crave it as often as he did in our past.. .and we missed each other more than we should have....but I always wanted him.. I always had enthusiasm ...he may have had to get me started on occasion back then... but it's like today... I need to get him started now sometimes.... but when he got me going.. I was there 100%...loving it.. and this always made me feel on top of the world..

I have never felt resentment towards my Husband ... I think this is the #1 culprit for women loosing desire in their marriages... loosing respect was mentioned..when a woman looses respect... there is a* resentment* there too....

And it could be over ANYTHING... something hurtful said in a moment or did (and we stuff -carry it for years).. lack of emotional needs/ affection being met, maybe he is a lousy listener and all he wants to do is "FIX"... too controlling.. wants too much monkey sex... his missing her love languages, fighting, his not being home enough, maybe he doesn't help her enough around the house, or with the kids, bla bla bla.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> So, we're all in agreement that the men are responsible for their own victimization. In our marriage vows, there's always the escape clause, "if you really feel like it."
> 
> After you have lost that loving feeling, do you still accept the fruits of his labor? Do you still expect him to trudge off to work and bring the proceeds home?


hmmm...well,I still f**ked him even though I didn't want to f**k him anymore and even though he wasn't meeting any of my needs. 

He accepted the fruits of my labor. He still expected me to trudge off to work and bring the proceeds home. 

I was responsible for my own victimization because I let him treat me this way for so long before I woke up and left him.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> So, we're all in agreement that the men are responsible for their own victimization. In our marriage vows, there's always the escape clause, "if you really feel like it."


who said all men? A few women gave their reasons. No one said all men, you are the only one implying that. 



unbelievable said:


> After you have lost that loving feeling, do you still accept the fruits of his labor? Do you still expect him to trudge off to work and bring the proceeds home?


Well, like SB, he accepted the fruits of my labor, I went to work, cleaned the home, did the laundry, took his ailing parents to medical appts, cared for his kids when it was his access weekend, while he went out and perused dating sites, flirted and f*cked others. Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long."

If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere? The alternative would be for the man to agree to a life of celibacy, which he very likely never signed up for. Congratulations for having the decency to leave a man you no longer held respect or affection for. If only more would follow your example.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere?


If a husband has decided to withhold emotional connection and refuses to show his wife she matters to him,why would he feel offended if his wife sought those things elsewhere then? Why would he feel offended that she simply couldn't stand the thought of his touch after years of being neglected by him emotionally even though all his needs were being met?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> "Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long."
> 
> If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere? The alternative would be for the man to agree to a life of celibacy, which he very likely never signed up for. Congratulations for having the decency to leave a man you no longer held respect or affection for. If only more would follow your example.


For the record, I didn't withold or use it as a weapon.....(did I lack enthusiasm...hell yes, guilty of that, which is what happens when u lose attraction) The only time I would refuse is when he'd go out at night, (presumably for "drinks" with the boys), leave me with his kids, then show up very late and want a romp. My argument was I'm all for sex if you want to stay and spend time with me....nope. Wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted and then f*ck with no effort in the relationship. I got offended because I wanted to address the issues and have a great marriage....I could have had an affair too.

Mind you, my ex was not a typical guy, I really think he had a problem with monogamy....I found evidence once we separated that he had been screwing around even in the early days when we were at it all the time. So likely he's not even a good example


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

2) He lied to me. Lied about everything from his employment, to what his favorite *COLOR* is.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long."
> 
> If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere? The alternative would be for the man to agree to a life of celibacy, which he very likely never signed up for. Congratulations for having the decency to leave a man you no longer held respect or affection for. If only more would follow your example.


OMG seriously? I NEVER withheld from my H, yet he still went out seeking an affair....I'm sorry, TWO affairs...that I know of. I was the one that initiated sex most of the time, I was the one that wanted sex every single day. 

The ONLY reason I am still here is because I love him. He is working on his side of the issues, which had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. It was all HIM. He has admitted to several issues on his part that he knows he has to work on. 

I'm so sick of hearing some people on here solely blame the wife in all situations when these threads are brought up. A lot of women don't just quit having sex with their Husbands because they think it's funny. A lot of us want to be affectionate and want our husbands daily. Believe it or not, marriage is a two way street....who freaking knew?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

My drive became extremely low for the 2nd and 3rd years of marriage. It got to the point where my stomach would sink whenever my husband would reach for me. I found out after the fact that it was the bc pills. After year 3 when we decided to have kids, about 3 months after I stopped the pills my drive came back.

It became so depressing to me to feel that way toward my husband because I knew I loved him so much, I could not figure out why my desire for sex was not there. I was so distraught that I talked to my Mother about it and she told me basically to talk myself through it, whenever he approached me. Remined myself how much I loved him and how much I wanted to please him sexually. That's what got me through it.

Now I have periods of LD, ever since I had my baby. They come and go and I can't figure out what makes me switch like that. I am nursing but I know that's not the reason because other times my drive is way up there. the difference with before, is that I don't stay in the LD state for more than a few days, and after getting started, it feels so good that it's like I never didn't want it. Also, it really helped being here on TAM to understand that men need sex to feel loved and that sex IS the emotional connection for men. 

I could be wrong, but I honestly feel that if a husband is being supportive, loving, affectionate, is focused on pleasing his wife and on being a good husband to her, that she will not refuse him sex. I'm not talking about doing stuff in order to get sex, I'm talking about loving and cherishing his wife because that is what he vowed to do. I think women will sense when a man is doing what he is doing in order to get his needs met, as opposed to doing it because he wants to treat his wife good. Plus this by SA:



> And it could be over ANYTHING... something hurtful said in a moment or did (and we stuff -carry it for years).. lack of emotional needs/ affection being met, maybe he is a lousy listener and all he wants to do is "FIX"... too controlling.. wants too much monkey sex... his missing her love languages, fighting, his not being home enough, maybe he doesn't help her enough around the house, or with the kids, bla bla bla..



For the record, all during my LD time periods, I have never once turned down my husband for sex. Not once.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> OMG seriously? I NEVER withheld from my H, yet he still went out seeking an affair....I'm sorry, TWO affairs...that I know of. I was the one that initiated sex most of the time, I was the one that wanted sex every single day.
> 
> The ONLY reason I am still here is because I love him. He is working on his side of the issues, which had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. It was all HIM. He has admitted to several issues on his part that he knows he has to work on.
> 
> I'm so sick of hearing some people on here solely blame the wife in all situations when these threads are brought up. A lot of women don't just quit having sex with their Husbands because they think it's funny. A lot of us want to be affectionate and want our husbands daily. Believe it or not, marriage is a two way street....who freaking knew?


staarz21 -

Your's is a common situation too. A successful male whose needs are met... Sexual needs met too... Still is on the prowl proving his "power" with other women.

But many of the TAM guys have gotten blown out by wives who were well taken care of, but cheated on them, in many cases without remorse and providing a much better experience for the OM.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

My husbands drive gradually became lower and lower after our first year of marriage, to the point where we now have sex once a month at best (initiated by me). We have discovered recently that he has depression and that is the main cause. It's been hard not to take all of those times that felt like a 'rejection' personally though, and I'll admit I've lost some of my desire over time. 

I rarely initiate these days and somehow I've come to accept that this is the way it is for now.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

FTR, I am not now, nor have I been in a sexless marriage. Even when he was being an asshat, prior to discovering his cheating we had a lot of sex and BJs to completion because MY drive is high. However, I couldn't help but notice:



unbelievable said:


> After you have lost that loving feeling, do you still accept the fruits of his labor? * Do you still expect him to trudge off to work and bring the proceeds home?*


:rofl:

Assuming that she brings nothing to the table in terms of income and or labour amiright?! It's not like most families today generate two incomes. 

And it's not like SAHM's make any contributions by letting the man advance a career he wouldn't achieved had they both had to work and care for the children equally. That doesn't matter.

Because you know... only the men's contributions financial or otherwise are worth a damn and they have a God-given right to easy punanny. Us women need to know our places and do our part and spread our legs whether we work or not or he treats us nice or with respect or is faithful because he has the fruits... and things and does labour and things and stuff. 

Some women ARE dead fishes in the bedroom and if you ended up with one, I am sorry. Still, the gentleman doth _project _too much methinks. Not protest, by all means complain all you want but project. I would be grumpy too without a screw. But the above quote combined with this one:



unbelievable said:


> "Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long."
> 
> If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere? The alternative would be for the man to agree to a life of celibacy, which he very likely never signed up for. Congratulations for having the decency to leave a man you no longer held respect or affection for. If only more would follow your example.


^Did I just read what I think I read because if I did...:slap:

It appears that you assumed that she withheld sex. Further, that you ignored the fruits of her labour: cooking, cleaning working full time all the while still having sex with her cheating husband. Then discounted her pain altogether by saying (paraphrasing here) that at least _she had the decency to leave him _so he didn't have to suffer from celibacy in their marriage?!

Did I read that right? I hope you didn't intend for it to sound that way but if you did GMAFB. Nevermind the fact that her husband was a cheating d0uche bucket, just be happy that she had the decency not to let _him _suffer.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

delirium said:


> My husbands drive gradually became lower and lower after our first year of marriage, to the point where we now have sex once a month at best (initiated by me). We have discovered recently that he has depression and that is the main cause. It's been hard not to take all of those times that felt like a 'rejection' personally though, and I'll admit I've lost some of my desire over time.
> 
> I rarely initiate these days and somehow I've come to accept that this is the way it is for now.


Wow... What do you think has him "depressed", sometimes feeling powerless in our situations can do it to us, and it shuts everything down with it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I crave my SO as much as I did when I met him 4 years ago, and I hope that never changes...

However, I've overhead women talking about the following things that have caused them to lose desire for their partners:-


Feeling taken for granted


Feeling disrespected


Diminished emotional intimacy


Partner's lack of attention to personal hygiene


Failure to keep certain (controllable) bodily functions private


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

treyvion said:


> staarz21 -
> 
> Your's is a common situation too. A successful male whose needs are met... Sexual needs met too... Still is on the prowl proving his "power" with other women.
> 
> But many of the TAM guys have gotten blown out by wives who were well taken care of, but cheated on them, in many cases without remorse and providing a much better experience for the OM.


Yeah. I totally understand that. I think everyone here has been burned at one time or another. Why else would we be here? Projecting that onto others is lame though.

I do feel really terrible when I read that someone (be it male or female) was cheated on when they did everything to try to make it better. I have been in that situation for a while now and I know how it feels. I don't go around thinking all men are like my H though.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Yeah. I totally understand that. I think everyone here has been burned at one time or another. Why else would we be here? Projecting that onto others is lame though.
> 
> I do feel really terrible when I read that someone (be it male or female) was cheated on when they did everything to try to make it better. I have been in that situation for a while now and I know how it feels. I don't go around thinking all men are like my H though.


Yeah, it sucks. All we can do is hopefully make better choices in mates and circumstances. Personally I'd almost prefer that a new mate has cheated themself and also been cheated on and knows that they never want to do that again, plus it would be important that a strong sexual and intimate need is important to them as well. I know that's important to me and don't want to have to figure that out with someone, after some age, you already know. 

We all have been cheated, it's up to us to live a much better life, and we will be cheated and marginalized again, but hopefully not by our relationship partners. We do the best that we can.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Wow... What do you think has him "depressed", sometimes feeling powerless in our situations can do it to us, and it shuts everything down with it.


I think partly that. We're both in school right now and he's working full time (I have stayed home with our daughter for the past year) and I think all the financial responsibility really stresses him out.  

He told me he's always felt this way, and he's just buried it. His parents divorced when he was young and his mom went through a depression for several years. They moved a lot (10-15 times?) while he was growing up and switching schools so often caused him some self esteem issues. His family didn't encourage opening up or talking about feelings. 

These are all things I knew about, but had no idea how much of an affect it had on him. I don't think he knew either until he was in a situation (marriage) where he's somewhat forced to be open and intimate with another person on a regular basis and that is really difficult for him.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> "Once the latter was discovered, I packed up the fruits of MY labor and left....he got to keep his. I blame myself for putting up with it far too long."
> 
> If a wife has decided to withhold sex and affection, why would she feel offended if her husband sought those things elsewhere? The alternative would be for the man to agree to a life of celibacy, which he very likely never signed up for. Congratulations for having the decency to leave a man you no longer held respect or affection for. If only more would follow your example.


Why do we feel the need to define blame on situations that happen over months or years, and are made up of many if not hundreds of actions by both parties. 

Resentments, which is probably one of the most toxic elements to any long term relationship, happen over time. Sometimes they are based around one persons bad behavior not being fixed and resentment is built up in the other's mind. Other times, someone can build resentment because they allow something to build up and never discuss it. 

Loss of desire in a LTR is such a dynamic situation, you're not going to solve it in one paragraph.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

delirium said:


> I think partly that. We're both in school right now and he's working full time (I have stayed home with our daughter for the past year) and I think all the financial responsibility really stresses him out.
> 
> He told me he's always felt this way, and he's just buried it. His parents divorced when he was young and his mom went through a depression for several years. They moved a lot (10-15 times?) while he was growing up and switching schools so often caused him some self esteem issues. His family didn't encourage opening up or talking about feelings.
> 
> These are all things I knew about, but had no idea how much of an affect it had on him. I don't think he knew either until he was in a situation (marriage) where he's somewhat forced to be open and intimate with another person on a regular basis and that is really difficult for him.


Sex and lavishment from his wife will help him if sex is important.

The other thing that needs to be done is cut out any fully negative factors out of the life.

Alcohol makes depression worse, cut that out or way down.

Empower yourself over your life as much as possible by planning, goal setting and scheduling.

He needs to do some FUN activities where he is not WORKING. Something to stimulate the mind and be free.

Working out produces endorphins also eats up stress. Accumulated stress results in depression.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> My drive became extremely low for the 2nd and 3rd years of marriage. It got to the point where my stomach would sink whenever my husband would reach for me. I found out after the fact that it was the bc pills. After year 3 when we decided to have kids, about 3 months after I stopped the pills my drive came back.


I was the same on Depo. Plus bat sh!t crazy. Another friend and I would joke that Depo made great bc because the woman never wanted it and the man was terrified of her.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> If a husband has decided to withhold emotional connection and refuses to show his wife she matters to him,why would he feel offended if his wife sought those things elsewhere then? Why would he feel offended that she simply couldn't stand the thought of his touch after years of being neglected by him emotionally even though all his needs were being met?


This is so perfectly explained. To me anyways...Thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> If a husband has decided to withhold emotional connection and refuses to show his wife she matters to him,why would he feel offended if his wife sought those things elsewhere then? Why would he feel offended that she simply couldn't stand the thought of his touch after years of being neglected by him emotionally even though all his needs were being met?


:iagree: Sex (to include fidelity) is not the only thing that is an important part of marriage. It's not the only thing that is promised when we take vows in marriage. However, it seems to be that some think it is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I was the same on Depo. Plus bat sh!t crazy. Another friend and I would joke that Depo made great bc because the woman never wanted it and the man was terrified of her.


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