# Wife's hidden affair while deployed but "Fixing"



## MorallySound (Feb 14, 2012)

When i returned from my 7 month deployment, my wife was really standoffish, not nearly as excited to see me as she has been on my previous deployments, and buried in her phone, also, we went out right away, rather than go home and have long awaited reunion sex. this lasted for a month or so, with the exception of this one time we had sex, (with a condom for her health.. she had a bladder infection) and it was not the same. We've known each other for a long time, have had an awesome marriage, shes smoking hot, and I'm in very good shape and weve had alot of sex in the past, anyhow, it was not the same. I've confronted her about it and she just said we got disconnected and had to reacclimate, which is true in the sense of a long absence, but it was just off. I asked her about cheating and she looked me right in the face and denied it. Well, I was in her email to get a document for some bills and taxes and stuff, and found months and months of correspondence between her and some other guy about love and romance and sex and the kind of emails i typically get when im away. Because of which, since I have a strong upbringing in the sanctity of marriage and god and being "morally sound" and giving everything to your family, i immediately began packing my things for the inevitable, unfortunate divorce. but our history, the amount ive invested, our house, and how sincere she was about being remorseful and apologetic, and all the stuff, the isms, the stuff thats "us" somehow enabled me to go through "some time" sort of probation and schedule counseling to try and fix it. I'm just very torn on the basis of principal and feel ill be unhappy with her and unhappy without her. Its very out of character and weak of me, but it seems necessary. We've had fun since then, had an awesome vacation, but as well as it seems, sex isnt the same, i guess it takes time, but i still do all the same things good husbands should do, whether it be financially, romantically, cooking, cleaning, being a gentleman, with the expectation of having spontaneity and her having sexual initiative and doing "favors for me" I'm still very much in love with her, but still so jealous and disgusted, and cant get any retribution, I have a very succesful career, i get paid well, I daytrade and i dont want to throw it away for premediatated assault on the other guy, since im incapable of hurting her, besides my words, and it seems like a downward spiral. I don't want to start again with someone else, but id like to have an awesome marriage like i used to. I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of, its very difficult and i hope counnseling will help dig deeper, but I'm very against divorce and also very much so against adultery. I really just came here to vent, and maybe get constructive advice besides "just leave the *****' if possible


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi MS sorry you are here I feel you 2 options either accept it and have an open marriage
Or fight like heck for your marriage. I feel that marriage is between 2 people and would 
Not want anymore in my marriage I think you need to confront her on what info you have and also 
And if you want to Recover or Divorce make a decision it is your God given option
According to the bible. If you chose recovery I would start with Installing a keylogger on her computer
Unbeknown to her. I would gather as much info as you can including info on the OP
This would be used for exposing the A. Also I find out if OM is married etc and give them a call 
Do not let yr ww or the om know what you are doing. I would expose the affair as soon as possible to everyone that you and ww know parents etc set some guidelines on what you would like in the marriage such as no other parties in the marriage no contact for life of affair party etc. Others will be be shortly to offer their advise again this is your decision to make if you want to continue the marrriage or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

She is infected with the devil's poison is beyond saving/helping and is unfit as a "wife" you can leave or you can continue to toy and play with your own heart. She has shown lack of concern empathy, and everything else that makes a good marriage. There are millions and loads of other women out there and if you truly believe you are a good man than you should deserve better as good men and good women deserve better than people who are infected by the devil and live life all wrong.

All in all best of luck there is no need to save this "marriage" (imo) and you did come to this forum to seek opinions of others. Lets hope your pain will go away and you can find happiness.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi MS sorry you are here I feel you 2 options either accept it and have an open marriage
> Or fight like heck for your marriage. I feel that marriage is between 2 people and would
> Not want anymore in my marriage I think you need to confront her on what info you have and also
> And if you want to Recover or Divorce make a decision it is your God given option
> ...


According to the bible infidelity is one of the biggest sins and within betraying the spouse ties into a lot of other sins and corruption and wrong "Evil doing" in the world. Would you not agree that they are infected with a poison?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

MorallySound said:


> When i returned from my 7 month deployment, my wife was really standoffish, not nearly as excited to see me as she has been on my previous deployments, and buried in her phone, also, we went out right away, rather than go home and have long awaited reunion sex. this lasted for a month or so, with the exception of this one time we had sex, (with a condom for her health.. she had a bladder infection) and it was not the same. We've known each other for a long time, have had an awesome marriage, shes smoking hot, and I'm in very good shape and weve had alot of sex in the past, anyhow, it was not the same. I've confronted her about it and she just said we got disconnected and had to reacclimate, which is true in the sense of a long absence, but it was just off. I asked her about cheating and she looked me right in the face and denied it. Well, I was in her email to get a document for some bills and taxes and stuff, and found months and months of correspondence between her and some other guy about love and romance and sex and the kind of emails i typically get when im away. Because of which, since I have a strong upbringing in the sanctity of marriage and god and being "morally sound" and giving everything to your family, i immediately began packing my things for the inevitable, unfortunate divorce. but our history, the amount ive invested, our house, and how sincere she was about being remorseful and apologetic, and all the stuff, the isms, the stuff thats "us" somehow enabled me to go through "some time" sort of probation and schedule counseling to try and fix it. I'm just very torn on the basis of principal and feel ill be unhappy with her and unhappy without her. Its very out of character and weak of me, but it seems necessary. We've had fun since then, had an awesome vacation, but as well as it seems, sex isnt the same, i guess it takes time, but i still do all the same things good husbands should do, whether it be financially, romantically, cooking, cleaning, being a gentleman, with the expectation of having spontaneity and her having sexual initiative and doing "favors for me" I'm still very much in love with her, but still so jealous and disgusted, and cant get any retribution, I have a very succesful career, i get paid well, I daytrade and i dont want to throw it away for premediatated assault on the other guy, since im incapable of hurting her, besides my words, and it seems like a downward spiral. I don't want to start again with someone else, but id like to have an awesome marriage like i used to. I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of, its very difficult and i hope counnseling will help dig deeper, but I'm very against divorce and also very much so against adultery. I really just came here to vent, and maybe get constructive advice besides "just leave the *****' if possible


she is incapable of being in a true relationship that has commitment your wife lacks commitment and is not capable of a consummate love. She has failed in that sense and its out of the realm of possibility that she will ever change her narcissistic behavior and stray from her hedonistic point of view on the world along with no morals. In addition her behavior is a huge indicator of her lack of compassion, lack of empathy and lack of love, trust, or any credible skills that are valued in a partner or that go hand in hand in creating and making a consummate love a true love.Your wife is not the person you thought she was and you deserve much much better than her without a doubt you deserve much better. Her behavior is destructive to herself and to those around her this includes your children. There are loads of women much better on the face of the earth. Such a shame that your wife has shown her true self to you and especially this late in your marriage. Loads of women as they are far more oppressed than men so there are i guarantee you loads and millions of women who want nothing more than love a good marriage or a good man in there life and to be loyal yet so many cannot have that sadly.

TS do not worry God will judge us all when we die and your "wife" will be judged for her wrong actions and one of the biggest sins of all infidelity that and the lying and selfishness also fueled by lust is a perfect example that this woman your "wife" is filled with with the devil's poison and is beyond helping. As to if god punishes or how he does that is beyond me or any human to know however you will be held for what you have done.

Best of luck to you and you will meet another woman and please use more judgement and follow your gut you will and can meet an amazing and loyal woman. Who is capable of being an actual wife.


So ask yourself TS do you deserve better?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Her values are totally at odds with you. You picked the wrong person to marry. I guarantee you she was having unprotected sex and putting your health at risk for STD's when you did have sex with her finally. She clearly has no problem lying right to your face. She loves the lifestyle you provide and had no problem screwing another man behind your back for a period until you came home and still lied to you. She has played you for a complete fool and there have been no consequences to her actions.

You sound like a guy would not have any problems finding a woman who truly loves and respect you and respects the importance of the marriage vows. Sorry but your wife has none of these characteristics. Her actions have shown that down deep she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MorallySound said:


> I don't want to start again with someone else, but id like to have an awesome marriage like i used to. I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of, its very difficult and i hope counnseling will help dig deeper, but I'm very against divorce and also very much so against adultery.


You can never have the same marriage you used to have. She is not the person you thought she was.

So you can learn who she really is and you can try to build a new marriage with her. It might work.

But listen to your gut as you go through this process. You indicate that at this time your fundamental belief system is in conflict with hers in a profound way. Give marriage therapy a chance, but don't settle for marriage out of some kind of moral opposition to divorce. She has already broken that covenant with you, and you are no longer obligated by your vows to stay with her.

I suggest you talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights and obligations are at this point. It will be information for you. There is no obligation to divorce just because you talk to the lawyer. Information is good.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The one thing that hit me in the face from your post is:

*I've made assumptions about her in the past, and recently found she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and does not have the same kind of character i can be proud of*

If she has that attitude toward marriage then she will not hesitate to cheat again. Can you remain married to her knowing this? Can you see a future with her while waiting for the next guy to come along?

Your views on marriage and divorce are admirable and mirror my own. I am not one of the crowd that yells divorce at the drop of a hat because some mythical "need" is not met. But infidelity is the one thing I could not accept and remain married.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MS,

I think you need to take a firm stand with your wife.

Do you think this affair is a EA or a PA? Have you gotten more information on the OM? Is your wife still in contact with him?

It sounds like your wife does not put the same value on the marriage as you do. If this is a different view than what she had when you got married then it could be the fog of the affair causing her to skew her views.

If you want to try to R you need love, truth and respect from her.
You also need no 3rd parties involved.

Install the keylogger and check her phone. You need to do this without tipping her off so you can verify the truth of her statements as well as her actions. Actions in these A's count more than words.

Also trust your gut. She has been lying to you for a while.

If it was an EA/PA she has put your health at risk too.

If she is willing to go to counselling great! But she needs to commit to No Contact with the OM or you are just wasting your time.

You can have a new marriage with your new wife if she is willing to do everything to R. But your old marriage and old wife are gone soldier.

Stay strong and get tough. Get as much info as you can. Command & Control my man.

Good Luck,

HM64


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Wow, that sucks MS. You will get great advice from the guys here. The silver lining in your story is that you found out right away (relatively speaking). So YOU get to make the decision. You are in CONTROL of what happens next. You could be like some of us finding out years later and everything you have done since their affair seems hollow. 

So clear your head, take the advice, give yourself some thinking time and make a choice. Are you AD? If you are, how will you get through the next deployment without going crazy? 

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lots of people fall into affairs without even planning to, and it changes them - at least temporarily. If the cheater gets caught, called out, and ends the affair, many of them CAN get back to the person you used to know.

Is she telling you she'll never contact him again? Is she handing over her phone/computer whenever you ask to see them? Did she tell you her passwords? Does she let you know where she's going? Will she go to a marriage counselor with you?

If yes to all these, you have a chance to save your marriage. She will have to be remorseful, but that may take a while, as the PEA chemicals that gave her the 'high' of the affair start draining out of her brain.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

dump her, son.

while you were dodging bullets, she was having her fill.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is the fixing part? You know you won't ever trust her again, nor should you. She cheated, and now that you caught her you know that SHE is just another cheap easy cheater. Those you can fnd anywhere so the thing you would be dumping is easy to replace. No real loss frankly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MorallySound,

What exactly has your wife done to show you remorse? Did she write a NC letter to the OM? Has she opened up her life to you? Given you access to her cell, computer, Facebook and email passwords? Have you installed a keylogger to make sure she is not still in contact with him? Have you placed any VARs (voice activated recorders) in her car or around your house so you can verify that she is really back with you? Basically, other than cry and say she's sorry and "do favors for you" what hard work has she put in to win you back and make you fall in love with her again?

Understand that in your mind the woman you knew as your wife died the day she had her affair. What has this new woman done to make you want to marry her? Because like it or not this is a new relationship you're in and you may just not like this woman enough to marry.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

MorallySound said:


> but id like to have an awesome marriage like i used to.
> she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper


Despite your commitment to "marriage" at some point you need to be realistic. I don't think, with her apparent attitude, you are going to have a awesome marriage. It kinda looks like the honeymoon is over. Believe me, life is too short to keep putting an effort into something that refuses to produce a return. You're a daytrader and know that. I found it much more mollifying to have a marriage you can work with rather than one you constantly have to work on, notwithstanding the cheating.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Morally Sound,
You already have the views in this forum. I echo them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Don't pressure yourself into either divorce or reconciliation. You need time for your emotions to settle down so that your head can make a life altering decision you can live with. Inform your wife that until further notice, the marriage is on probation.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Did she sleep with the other guy


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is the other man? Is he still around? Sex has gone South? Has she been tested for STD's? Bladder infection, condoms? What hae you done to see if they are still in contact? Kids?


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## MorallySound (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks for all the input, i see many of you are trying to help, and give me unbiased counsel, even though i still feel naive, as far as how she is now, she has given me access to her camera,phone,emails, facebook, told the OM never to talk to her again, as have I, and appears to be acting like her old safe in terms of being a caretaker and a good wife, I still unfortunately deal with the "movies" and imagination of the previous sexual encounters, She says they were using protection, and is willing to get checked for STD,HIV, etc. she is trying to be more open about her feelings, and wants me to "remarry her" I understand it takes time, but I am a results oriented person, and think I may just be impatient, but rightfully so, ill keep everyone posted on our progress when we start counseling, but if anyone has any other tips for rebuilding love,romance,trust,marriage etc, kind of like in the movie fireproof, or anything productive, i look forward to hearing it. also, she now tells me everhwere she goes and with whom, since i found out, she hasnt done anything without me besides work, she just stays at my side and tries. it appears that she is trying but it is very difficult for me to forgive the unforgiveable


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

MS,
Nothing is unforgivable. Forgiveness is for you, not for her. Forgiveness is so you can let go of the bitter feelings and move on emotionally regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. Your wife made a huge mistake, was caught, and now appears to have repented of her sins. You should forgive her. Your life with her will now be in a trust but verify state. I would trust what she says but verify it by another means. This may be looking at FB, randomly checking her cell, email, GPS on her car, etc. After a while of truth, trust MAY start to rebuild. 
Affairs are an addiction and since she has tasted the "high" of an affair, she may relapse. That will be your biggest concern. You have to weigh the pros and cons with staying in a relationship with a cheater. People can change but they must want to. Do you have kids? If not, then leaving will be easier.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good Luck MS,

You have to let her do the heavy lifting.you will get plenty of advice on where to go get good information for R.

You need time to process all of this crap and your emotions. Time is your friend right now. And make your wife get checked. She is probably not being honest about the condoms. But do it anyways just to be sure.

Remarriage takes commitment and my friend she needs to recommit. I am glad you guys are getting counseling.

You are both in my prayers and thoughts.

Stay strong and keep both eyes open.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to stay and forgive here is a set of instructions that may help. Also the book "His Needs Her Needs" should help you reconnect. There is another book called "After The Affair" ( I think) that other folks here reccommend also.

Print this off and read it with your wife, it really can help.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sorry man, but I keep going back to the "she thinks marriage is just a piece of paper" comment.

She does not appear to hold marriage in the same light and with the same respect and commitment as you do. You can R or D but you can never fully trust her again with this attitude towards marriage.

Up to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Understand that you won't start feeling safe again, or stop reliving the triggers, for at least another year, or two.


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## MorallySound (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks again for the input, that long paper was very helpful for me to understand what im feeling, and ive given it to my wife to read, I definetly think I'm experiencing hysterial bonding, and its terrible for me to not have her facilidtae that, Im trying to stay positive, and acknowledge it isnt my fault, I feel like a mess right now, and just wasting away, its a shame shes so selfish, but ive set a date in my head and just trying to be rational and judge her actions and what she says day by day and eventually just tally it up, see if shes capable of R or if d is my only option. Ill keep posting on here, and thanks everyone again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please read the following



> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> ...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

MorallySound said:


> Thanks again for the input, that long paper was very helpful for me to understand what im feeling, and ive given it to my wife to read, I definetly think I'm experiencing hysterial bonding, and its terrible for me to not have her facilidtae that, Im trying to stay positive, and acknowledge it isnt my fault, I feel like a mess right now, and just wasting away, its a shame shes so selfish, but ive set a date in my head and just trying to be rational and judge her actions and what she says day by day and eventually just tally it up, see if shes capable of R or if d is my only option. Ill keep posting on here, and thanks everyone again.


These mind movies will play in your head for awhile, They really hurt. I hate to tell you this but you need to get tested yourself. I understand about the military so go to a clinic and not your base doctor. Also you guys need to be in MC and as soon as you can. Try going through your church if you are worried about your CO finding out.

I am sorry you are going through this crap and while you are serving our country. All my best.


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