# How do I turn off the caring for a cheater??



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

STBXH came to the house yesterday to pick up his mail and told me he just came from doctor and has melanoma. Surgery scheduled for Thursday. My eyes filled and I looked away. He also had tears in his eyes when he was telling me. 

My heart wanted to hug him and offer a ride and comfort but my head and the wall I built up to protect me from anymore hurt prevented me from doing anything but talk to him very business like. I wished him well and talked about general items.

Even after all this time and hurt, I still feel like a wife wanting/should help him through a difficult time. Guilt like although he was the one who chose to cheat and destroy all hope of repairing my marriage. 

Final divorce is scheduled for Jan 10.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He chose his path. There's not much you can do about that.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Aug - Very true! Just head and heart are in two different stages.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am so sorry Frustrated
It is rather a two edge sword situation. If you show care and compassion you two may start developing feelings for each other again. Which from what I gather, you do not want to do anymore. If you close your heart, you will feel guilty.
I would suggest to treat this as if he was a stranger.
We are allowed to show compassion and feel sorry when a tragedy befalls a stranger. 
Protect your heart but do not let it turn into stone.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

ne9907 - Thanks - I agree with the double edged sword. I am very traditional by nature and always believed in marriage and the vows I took. Better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health good times/bad - The betrayal and the cheating were so devastating and hurtful - I don't trust him any longer and therefore protect my heart. I have been faithful and loyal to him during marriage and separation because I am still married. Regardless of filing for divorce, my personal belief is you do not date until the marriage is over legally. 

I hope I soon find a new love again to trust and open my heart again. I look forward to that day!! 
try everyday to forgive my ex and live a happy life for my child and myself but it is hard when I feel


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Focus on yourself first. Do not hurry to find someone else to love or you may end up making the same mistakes.
Learn to be happy with being alone, find out what makes you happy and love will find you! 
GOod luck!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

It's normal. Like mentioned before, be careful and don't fall into a possible trap. At the same time though he hurt you, he was your husband and you cared for him. You don't have to run up and hug him but show that you understand that he's received devastating news and that you sympathize. You don't have to be heartless. 

I got off the phone with my stbxh an hour ago...he called out of the blue. He was stressed and like old times he called me to calm himself down. He told me about some rough crap he's been given from family members which hurt him and I felt bad for him and expressed sympathy. I listened to him but didn't go all "aww babe I hate that they're doing this to you. I wish I could protect you from your family." He cheated on me as well and hurt me but I took my vows seriously and as much as I'd like to turn off all emotions, I can't right now. I probably never will because through the BS we had good times and he was my first love. I'm slowly getting to where I accept all that I'm feeling and that it'll just get better with time. 

And believe it or not tonight's hour and a half conversation helped me a lot. I really do wish him the best...


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You cannot rescue him. How do you move on? Learn to love yourself. Are you in IC?


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I did IC for a while but know longer. Pretty much repeats the same genre each week which is just common sense.

I am extremely proud of myself for surviving the worst time of my life while my 18 yr marriage fell apart, maintain a high stress job, raise a 13 yr old entirely on my own, solely keep up all mortgage payments and all bills while moving forward. Most women would NEVER fbe able to do it. Not without a lot of help!

I was just confused how to care for stbxh with drastic health news. Thankfully I went to beach on vacation this weekend with some family and 
Cleared my mind. Got an email from ex tonight asking about child and whether she knew of surgery. I answered and wished him luck and said I would say a prayer for him. Short - sweet - to the point!


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

It's a type of caring that remains for you similar to how you care for a family member. You are afraid to show physical compassion most likely because you don't want to confuse him or yourself that it is still the husband/wife relationship. 

Maybe it will help if you think of your emotions and responses like you would give a brother. After the number of years you have invested, even with the betrayal or whatever dynamics caused the marriage to fail, it is normal to sympathize for him. Your interactions with him have been on track to eliminate confusion or hope for him of marital reconciliation.


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